1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,810 So, we're driving to the show? 4 00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:20,603 Yup. 5 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:21,604 With the wife? 6 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:22,605 And the kids. 7 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:23,690 [groans] 8 00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:26,025 Hi, Jack. 9 00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:29,612 Hi, James. 10 00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:33,033 Remind me again why we're doing this? 11 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:37,912 This Ireland trip is about the family being together and discovering our roots. 12 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,247 Thanks, sweetie. 13 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:41,833 Well, I just discovered I don't wanna go. 14 00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,126 [cooing] 15 00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,794 Walter, you're part of this family whether you like it or not. 16 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,380 Hey, look what I found smooshed under the seat. 17 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,717 This old, unopened letter to you, Walter, 18 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,343 -dated 196-- -Give me that. 19 00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:56,681 Oh. Hey, Audrey, what's this extra baby seat for? 20 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,600 For when Bubba J passes out? 21 00:00:58,683 --> 00:00:59,809 [Walter] What the hell? 22 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,603 [chuckles] You'll see. 23 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,063 [Peanut] "You'll see"? 24 00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:05,732 -What does that mean? -[Walter] What is this? 25 00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:07,150 [Peanut] Another baby? 26 00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:11,446 Speaking of Bubba J, has anybody seen him lately? 27 00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:13,990 -[Walter groans] -Oh, he wanted to ride on the roof. 28 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,617 [chuckles] 29 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,077 [rock music playing] 30 00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:21,956 [chuckling] 31 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,795 [Bubba J mimicking car engine] 32 00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:32,175 [Bubba J] I'm making a left turn! Whoo! 33 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,067 Well, we're here. 34 00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:53,988 Well, we must be in Ireland. These bugs taste like beer. 35 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:54,906 [chuckles] 36 00:01:57,408 --> 00:01:59,119 [audience cheering] 37 00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:02,956 [Achmed] Greetings, Irish infidels. 38 00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:08,169 Please welcome to the stage, the biggest infidel ever, 39 00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:12,090 Mr. Jeff Dunham! 40 00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:28,481 What a warm welcome. Thank you for being here this evening. 41 00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:29,732 I wanna start by saying-- 42 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:32,902 People are saying, "Why in the world did you go to Dublin, Ireland, 43 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,363 to do your Netflix special?" I'll tell you why. 44 00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:39,242 I got a ventriloquist dummy in the third grade, started practicing, doing shows, 45 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:43,037 through elementary, junior high, high school, paid my way through college. 46 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:46,249 Did almost 20 years of comedy clubs throughout the U.S. and Canada, 47 00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:49,586 then turned into small theaters, then big theaters, then giant arenas, 48 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:53,423 and all around the world, and here we are. This is all because of folks like you. 49 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,633 Thanks for making that happen. There you go. 50 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:56,926 [audience cheering] 51 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,643 Are you ready for the reason you're here? 52 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,979 Are you ready for the little people in the boxes? 53 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:09,314 [audience cheering] 54 00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:16,654 All right. 55 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,199 Thank you. 56 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:25,038 The first guy I'd like to introduce I think audiences enjoy, 57 00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:29,500 because everyone knows someone like this, in your own family or where you work. 58 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,669 Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter. 59 00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,504 [audience cheering] 60 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,346 Oh, shut the hell up. 61 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,765 [groaning] 62 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:47,977 -How you doing tonight, Walter? -Who the hell cares? 63 00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:50,772 Lighten up a bit, we're in Dublin. 64 00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:52,565 Oh, yay, Dublin, yay. 65 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,192 [audience laughing] 66 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:57,779 You know, I've heard the Irish pay more attention to our American politics 67 00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,113 than most Americans do. 68 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,406 Yeah, seems like it. 69 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,785 Yeah. But you watch just for the comedy. 70 00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:05,161 [audience laughing] 71 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,248 [audience cheering] 72 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,878 So, in the U.S. presidential election, you guys know everything. 73 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:16,256 Do you know who the real loser was? 74 00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,507 -Who? -Bill. 75 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,008 [chuckles] 76 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:19,926 Why is that? 77 00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:23,012 Because now, Hillary is home every single night. 78 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,055 [audience laughing] 79 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,724 [chuckling] 80 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:34,399 And with Trump in office in the U.S., Jeff, now, be prepared. 81 00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:36,901 -For what? -Soon José Jalapeño, 82 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,362 your Mexican guy, will be out of the show. 83 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:40,822 [audience laughing] 84 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,451 [audience cheering] 85 00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:51,749 Poor José. You're gonna have to settle for an American pickle on a pole. 86 00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,876 [audience laughing] 87 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,837 Wrapped in bacon and deep-fried. 88 00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:59,966 Hey, did you notice in the trunk there, I'm building a little wall? 89 00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:01,175 Did you see that? 90 00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,343 [audience laughing] 91 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,513 Yeah, keeping that little bastard on his side. 92 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,059 And I'm gonna get Jeff to pay for the wall. 93 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,269 [audience laughing] 94 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,230 [audience cheering] 95 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,487 You know, Walter, José is legal in the U.S. 96 00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:23,197 Oh. 97 00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:25,867 Then I guess I'll build a little gate. 98 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,830 Yeah, little fucker would probably dig right under it. 99 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:32,832 Using his stick. 100 00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:36,419 Wait. He can pogo right over the thing. 101 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,796 Doing, Doing, Doing, ole! 102 00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:43,217 And you know what else? The racial stuff is worse than ever. 103 00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:45,303 I don't know if it is here, but it is there. 104 00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,304 -That's right. -Yeah. 105 00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:50,016 Can you even use your African-American character, Sweet Daddy Dee, anymore? 106 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,854 Wait, I'm sorry. We're in Ireland, yeah. It's obviously not African-American here. 107 00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:56,856 They don't say African-Irish, do they? 108 00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,941 [audience laughing] 109 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:00,276 They just say black. 110 00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:01,903 Oh. Oh, that's a lot easier. 111 00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:06,532 I don't wanna offend anyone anywhere, but can I just please say black? 112 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:09,243 -Okay-- -I am not Northern European-American. 113 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,704 I don't care. I'm freaking white. 114 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,499 Or off-white, or pink, I don't know. 115 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,169 All I know is there's black, brown, red, yellow, white. 116 00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,338 I don't care. Just mow my lawn. 117 00:06:20,421 --> 00:06:21,255 What? 118 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:22,924 [audience laughing, then cheering] 119 00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:24,550 [Jeff] Walter. 120 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,511 [Walter] What?! 121 00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:28,638 I said "white" last. 122 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,890 Get the white guy to mow my lawn, I don't care. 123 00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,059 The white-trash cracker from the trailer park. 124 00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:34,393 [audience laughing] 125 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,020 And don't call me racist. 126 00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:38,981 -All right, why not? -Because calling someone racist is racist. 127 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,567 I'm actually an I-don't-give-a-craprican. 128 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:46,322 Slightly less angry than the I-don't-give-a-shitricans. 129 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:50,451 Now, whatever you do, stay away from the I-don't-give-a-fuckricans. 130 00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:51,494 [audience laughing] 131 00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:53,079 They have meetings. 132 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:58,000 Back to what I asked earlier, can't you use Sweet Daddy Dee anymore? 133 00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,253 Yeah. I've been using him in some of our videos. 134 00:07:00,336 --> 00:07:02,380 Okay, but he's not on the tour bus right now. 135 00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:03,422 -Not now. -Okay. 136 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,049 Well, when you do bring him back, 137 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,136 just make sure you don't put him in the back of the bus. 138 00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,138 [audience laughing] 139 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:15,601 Yeah. 140 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,983 Black puppets matter. 141 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,693 [audience laughing] 142 00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:28,114 On a different subject, you say one of your daughters is getting married? 143 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:31,159 -Bree, my oldest. Getting married soon. -Oh, good. That's great. 144 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,618 [audience laughing] 145 00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,078 You were adopted, right? 146 00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:36,122 -Actually, I was adopted. -Good. yeah. 147 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:38,708 Are you sure? 148 00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:39,625 Yes, I'm sure. 149 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:43,087 Or is it just something your parents said to make themselves feel better? 150 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,672 [audience laughing] 151 00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:47,675 -No, I was adopted. -Okay, okay. 152 00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:51,345 Are your biological parents gonna walk your daughter down the aisle? 153 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:53,347 Why would they? 154 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,266 Well, they're good at giving kids away. 155 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,310 [audience laughing] 156 00:07:57,393 --> 00:07:58,644 [laughing] 157 00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:01,856 That's a good joke. 158 00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,153 No, Walter, I'm giving her away. 159 00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:08,863 Yeah, see? It's genetic. 160 00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:10,072 [cackles] 161 00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,037 The tradition is for the bride's father to give her away. 162 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,040 Yeah, you're gonna be going, "Here you go, pal. Good luck." 163 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:21,209 Not even close. 164 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:22,335 But come on, seriously. 165 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,670 When the bride's parents are divorced like you, 166 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,381 it's gotta be hard for the father to keep a straight face 167 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,926 -when talking to his future son-in-law. -How's that? 168 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,053 You're gonna be saying, "You realize, son, 169 00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:34,680 she's related to that bitch in the corner." 170 00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,098 [audience laughing] 171 00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:40,144 No, no, it's fine. 172 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:43,314 If you say it, it's a lawsuit. If I say it, it's comedy. 173 00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:44,774 [audience laughing] 174 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,655 -What do you think? -I really can't comment. 175 00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,574 Oh, you're still paying, aren't you? 176 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,493 [audience laughing] 177 00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,912 Keep telling jokes, puppet boy. 178 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:03,626 So, are your daughter and her new husband gonna have kids soon? 179 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,044 I have no idea. 180 00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:07,463 -Oh, please encourage them to do that. -Why? 181 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,508 So, I can make fun of you for having your own kids and grandkids 182 00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:12,051 that are the same age. 183 00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:13,844 [audience laughing] 184 00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:15,471 How screwed up is that? 185 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,890 "Here you go, son. Go change your uncle's diapers." 186 00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:24,855 -But seriously, more kids at your age? -Why not? 187 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,817 Because by the time your boys are old enough to play ball with, 188 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,653 your actual ones will be hanging down to your ankles. 189 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:31,946 [audience laughing] 190 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:34,323 "Dad, wanna play kickball?" 191 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,534 [mimics impact, then groaning] 192 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,995 "I already am." 193 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,668 -So, you really are adopted? -Yes, I am. 194 00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,712 You ever tried to find the other ones? 195 00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:50,006 -My birth parents? -Is that what they're called? 196 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,757 -Birth parents? -Typically. 197 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:55,386 Yeah, they're the ones that had you, took one look, and then dumped your ass. 198 00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:58,264 -I don't think that's how it went. -Sure, it did. 199 00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,558 They handed you to a nurse and went, "Run!" 200 00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,268 [audience laughing] 201 00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:03,185 I don't think so. 202 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,521 Or maybe they got freaked out when you cried 203 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,232 and it sounded like it came from the kid lying next to you. 204 00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,942 [audience laughing] 205 00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,574 I guess we'll never know. 206 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:18,951 So, you never met your birth parents? 207 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,328 -No. -Right. 208 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:21,787 So, when were you born? 209 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:22,705 April. 210 00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:24,165 1961? 211 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:25,499 -'62. -What? 212 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:26,792 April 1962. 213 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,044 -In Dallas? -Right? 214 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:29,962 No, I meant I was in Dallas. 215 00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,673 [audience laughing] 216 00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:36,052 -Okay. -For a few days. 217 00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,181 -Uh-huh. -In '61. 218 00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:44,435 You and your wife. 219 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:45,895 No. 220 00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,563 [audience laughing] 221 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,148 Just me. 222 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:52,068 Um... 223 00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,820 But you and your wife were dating at the time. 224 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:55,738 No. 225 00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,239 [audience laughing] 226 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,407 I hadn't met her yet. 227 00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:04,580 Uh, were you dating anyone in July of '61? 228 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,956 -No. -Oh, good. [chuckles] 229 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,375 Yeah, yeah. 230 00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,168 I'm not sure you call it "dating." 231 00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:11,962 [audience laughing] 232 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,340 -What? -Just watch the video. 233 00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:18,594 [funk music playing] 234 00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,766 [Walter] It was the summer of love. 235 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,434 And love was free. 236 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,729 Unless you were paying for it. 237 00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:32,525 I was very popular with the ladies. 238 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,322 Hey, baby. 239 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:41,117 Wanna get down and feel the funk? 240 00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:44,537 [coughs] 241 00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,208 -[Jeff] Walter. -[Walter] Calm down. 242 00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:50,292 It's not what you think. 243 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,752 -We're jumping rope. -What? 244 00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:57,842 Well, that's enough jump-roping for tonight. Whatever-your-name-is. 245 00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:00,636 This rock's gotta roll. 246 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,351 I'll never forget you. 247 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,772 [audience applauding] 248 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:18,904 Dad? 249 00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,032 Bastard? 250 00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:23,909 [audience laughing] 251 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,080 -And who was the woman? -I forgot. 252 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,081 -You forgot? -Yeah. 253 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,041 Then what made you bring this up now? 254 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:34,044 That old letter that Peanut found in the back of the car, 255 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,713 it had a photo with it. 256 00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:38,924 -Of who? -Well, looks just like you. 257 00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:40,885 -What? -You wanna see it? 258 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:42,219 All right. 259 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,014 [audience laughing] 260 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,565 So, you're saying you think you could be my-- 261 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,817 -Well, that's awful. -How do you think I feel? 262 00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:01,530 I could have an adult son who still plays with fucking dolls. 263 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,073 [audience laughing] 264 00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:06,368 -Your wife's younger than you, right? -Audrey is younger. 265 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,621 -How much younger? It does. -Doesn't matter. 266 00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,122 How much younger? 267 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:13,125 Eighteen years. 268 00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,002 [audience whooping] 269 00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:20,049 I actually like you a lot more now, Jeff. 270 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,717 [audience laughing, then applauding] 271 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,850 -So, was it love at first sight? -Pretty much. 272 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,686 I wanted to say to her, "Where you been all my life?" 273 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,146 Yeah, and she would have said: 274 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,607 "Well, for the first half, I wasn't even born yet." 275 00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:37,775 [audience laughing] 276 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:42,947 Eighteen years. When you were 21, she was 3. 277 00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:46,075 You should be a registered sex offender. 278 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,871 What was your pickup line when you met? "Hey, kid, want some candy?" 279 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,414 [audience laughing] 280 00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:54,833 Seriously, what did you do on your first date? 281 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,253 What, you take her shopping for school supplies? 282 00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,880 You helped her with her homework? 283 00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:02,925 -We have chemistry. -Class together. 284 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,176 [audience laughing] 285 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:06,929 Poor Audrey. 286 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,013 Why "poor Audrey"? 287 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:11,267 You know, whenever anyone sees a younger woman with an older man, 288 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,936 they automatically think she married him for his money. 289 00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,938 -That is not what happened with us. -No? 290 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,899 No. In fact, when Audrey and I met, she had never heard of me. 291 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,568 She had no idea who I was. 292 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,821 Of course not. Her parents wouldn't let her watch the comedy channel. 293 00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,447 [audience laughing] 294 00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,244 She is more familiar with Sesame Street. 295 00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:35,082 What, you sweep her off her feet by doing Cookie Monster impressions? 296 00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:39,169 [as Cookie Monster] "Oh, I love Audrey. 297 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,130 [audience laughing, then applauding] 298 00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:49,096 Do you want a kiss or a cookie?" 299 00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:53,058 [as Count] "You're one, two, three times older than your wife." 300 00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:57,146 [in normal voice] "Rubber Duckie, you're the one." 301 00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,773 [as Audrey] "Oh, Jeff, make it talk." 302 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,150 [audience laughing] 303 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,029 [in normal voice] I'd love to have been there 304 00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,238 the first time her father had met you. 305 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,115 He would have sounded like Scooby-Doo. 306 00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:09,491 [as Scooby-Doo] Huh? 307 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,786 Uh-oh. 308 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,289 [in normal voice] Her mother would have sounded like Shaggy. 309 00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,290 [as Shaggy] Zoinks. 310 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:19,627 [in normal voice] Then you got married and had kids right away? 311 00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,921 -We waited a few years. -Oh, yeah. 312 00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:24,590 Sometimes, you gotta let it build up, don't you? 313 00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,758 [audience laughing] 314 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,010 [sighs] 315 00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:31,430 But I think you're doing the parenting thing a little late. 316 00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:32,806 I like being an older dad. 317 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,517 Why? Because you all get to wear diapers together? 318 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,186 [audience laughing] 319 00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:38,354 [Walter sniffing] 320 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,190 "Okay, who pooped their diaper? 321 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,901 Dad." 322 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:48,739 I've heard of parents trying to bond with their kids, but you're taking it too far. 323 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,867 There's great things about being an older parent. 324 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:56,163 Oh, yeah. At the movies, you get child and senior citizen discounts. 325 00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:57,373 [audience laughing] 326 00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,708 Well, I guess they have good parents. 327 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,670 Thank you. Did you have a good relationship with your parents? 328 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:03,921 Uh, kind of hit and miss. 329 00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:05,881 Sure. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. 330 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,093 No, hit and miss. Sometimes I got hit, and sometimes they missed. 331 00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,427 [audience laughing] 332 00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,846 -It was different back then. -Sure. 333 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,599 Back then, time out meant Mom had knocked you senseless. 334 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,853 -What about your dad? -Oh, she hit him, too. 335 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,480 [audience laughing] 336 00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:25,734 By the way, did I hear you call yourself middle-aged? 337 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,403 -That's right. -And you're 55. 338 00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,530 -That's right. -Yeah, being optimistic there, 339 00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:30,906 aren't you, chachi? 340 00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,077 Middle-aged, middle, the center, halfway. 341 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,663 You are not gonna make it to 110. 342 00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:38,872 [audience laughing] 343 00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:43,711 And if you do, your kids are gonna be like, "Dad, it's time to die. 344 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,923 We're in our 70s now, we have our own problems. 345 00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:50,467 Just fucking die." 346 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:51,635 [audience laughing] 347 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:57,641 It's gotta be weird, though, all the songs that get stuck in your head. 348 00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,893 -Like what? -The Beatles and the Teletubbies. 349 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,687 [audience laughing] 350 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,105 Baby, you could drive my car, 351 00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,399 and the wheels on the bus go round and round. 352 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,819 So, do you ever fall asleep with the kids? 353 00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:10,320 I do, and it's very sweet. 354 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:13,157 Yeah. Not exactly what you imagined when you fantasized 355 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,117 about sleeping with twins, was it? 356 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,077 [audience laughing] 357 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:18,912 "Who's your daddy?" 358 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,292 -Say good night, Walter. -Thanks, Dublin. 359 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,460 That's Walter. 360 00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:26,295 [audience cheering] 361 00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:27,671 [laughs] 362 00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:33,343 Thank you. 363 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,182 So, there's another reason that we're here in Dublin doing this show. 364 00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,809 I am adopted, as Walter talked about. 365 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,979 And recently, I did the DNA thing where you'd check your background 366 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:48,150 of where you're from, and I found out that I am a huge percentage 367 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,693 of Irish descent. 368 00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:50,819 [audience cheering] 369 00:17:55,908 --> 00:18:00,412 And my act always reflects what's going on in my real life. 370 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,499 I have my three older daughters, and now my two toddler sons, 371 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:07,044 and we have a blended family, and there's a lot of things to joke about. 372 00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,754 A lot of people can relate to that. 373 00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:11,673 That's what this special is all about, it's all about family. 374 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,593 But we came to Ireland, because you guys are great audiences, 375 00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,512 but also because I'm following my roots. 376 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:19,139 Also, Audrey and I have done due diligence about this. 377 00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,265 We're happy about it, 378 00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:23,519 but we know there a lot of babies here in Ireland that need homes. 379 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:26,563 And so, while we're here, we're gonna be adopting an Irish baby. 380 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,107 [audience cheering] 381 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,820 [audience laughing] 382 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,493 And his name is Seamus. 383 00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:51,797 Hi, Seamus. 384 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,674 Little baby Seamus, so cute. 385 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:55,717 Goo, goo, goo, goo. 386 00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:58,345 Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie-coo. 387 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,226 Touch me like that again and I'll bite your fucking arm off. 388 00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:06,478 [audience laughing, then cheering] 389 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,495 -I'm sorry. I thought you were a baby. -I am. 390 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:28,083 -You sound quite a bit older than that. -That's what a few pints a day 391 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,334 will do to you. 392 00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,713 -Pints, you mean beer? -That's right. 393 00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:35,841 -What happened to drinking from a bottle? -Oh, now you're talking. 394 00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,092 [audience laughing] 395 00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,720 I take whiskey as well. 396 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,432 -No, a baby bottle. -I don't care what it is. 397 00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:47,561 If it's 90 proof or better, I'll take it from a fucking tin can. 398 00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:48,854 [audience laughing] 399 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,691 -Don't you wanna be breastfed? -Don't we all? 400 00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:53,901 [audience laughing] 401 00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,196 [audience cheering] 402 00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:05,871 But, Seamus, why did you start drinking alcohol so early? 403 00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,539 Oh, well... 404 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:11,501 Uh, I saw the size of my John Thomas. 405 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:12,878 [audience laughing] 406 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,589 -Your what? -My winky. 407 00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,676 -Oh, well, that will change. -I hope so. 408 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,846 What if a woman looked at you when your knickers were down and said, 409 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,681 "Well, that's a cute one." 410 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,016 [audience laughing] 411 00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,769 You'd be hammered all the time as well. 412 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,897 -You'll be fine. -If not, later in life, 413 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:35,067 I'll have to drive a really nice sports car. 414 00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:39,238 [audience laughing] 415 00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:41,990 Wait a minute. I have a nice sports car. 416 00:20:42,532 --> 00:20:43,408 Oh, I'm sorry. 417 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,244 [audience laughing] 418 00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,996 Well, at least you have a big head. [laughing] 419 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:54,586 Do you know who the first person to comment on that was? 420 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:55,963 -Who? -My ma. 421 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,633 -What did she say? -Oh, something along the lines of: 422 00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:01,760 [screaming] 423 00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:06,181 I think a C-section might have been a bit easier. 424 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:08,767 -Really? -Well, it's the difference 425 00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,271 between you opening a convertible top and getting out of the car that way 426 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:15,274 versus having your arse shoved out the keyhole. 427 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:16,608 [audience laughing] 428 00:21:21,154 --> 00:21:23,865 Well, I hope you're happy with Audrey and me adopting you. 429 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,368 Sure. And if it doesn't work out, 430 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:29,288 I'll just go live with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. 431 00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:30,414 [audience laughing] 432 00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:34,209 They need a kid from Ireland to complete the collection. 433 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,922 I guess you don't know, Seamus, but they're divorced. 434 00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,507 Oh, well, too bad. 435 00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,926 I'm probably too white for them anyway. 436 00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,469 [audience laughing and groaning] 437 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,347 Oh, fuck you, that's a good joke. 438 00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:48,807 [audience laughing, then cheering] 439 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:58,400 What do you like to play with? Was that a baby rattle I heard? 440 00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:01,528 Actually, I think that was Walter's artificial hip. 441 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,406 [Walter] Asshole! 442 00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,949 [audience laughing] 443 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:10,203 Look, Seamus, have you been enjoying everything with us so far? 444 00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:12,581 Oh, I like all your friends in the trunks. 445 00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,334 -I've asked the guys to leave you alone. -Why? 446 00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:18,295 I don't think they'd be a very good influence on a baby. 447 00:22:18,378 --> 00:22:20,964 Everything's fine. If not, I'd kill you. 448 00:22:21,048 --> 00:22:22,215 [laughing] 449 00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:25,844 -That's what I mean. -If you think that's dark, 450 00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:29,222 you should see what Bubba J's been doing with the breast pump. 451 00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:31,349 [audience laughing] 452 00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,852 I'm never drinking from that thing again. 453 00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:37,814 -By the way, who taught you to curse? -Peanut. 454 00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:40,192 Babies should not curse. 455 00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:42,444 I know. That guy's an asshole. 456 00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:43,904 [audience laughing] 457 00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:46,740 -Say, is Achmed around? -He is. Why? 458 00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,951 I wanna show him how I can set off a bomb in my nappy. 459 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,664 I could clear this room right now. 460 00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:58,335 Are you looking forward to living in the United States? 461 00:22:58,418 --> 00:23:00,545 I don't think I'm going to care for your pubs. 462 00:23:01,004 --> 00:23:02,339 Our pubs? Why is that? 463 00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:03,507 They close. 464 00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:05,217 [audience laughing] 465 00:23:05,592 --> 00:23:07,302 Who the fuck does that? 466 00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:10,222 Look, is there anything you'd like to do, 467 00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,265 or see right away when you get to the U.S.? 468 00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,017 I'd like to see Mount Rushmore. 469 00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:16,895 You know about that. That's the giant mountain carving 470 00:23:16,978 --> 00:23:18,897 with four of our most famous presidents. 471 00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:21,024 Can you name our presidents by their heads? 472 00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:23,902 [audience laughing] 473 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:26,404 Is this a Bill Clinton question? 474 00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:28,448 [audience laughing] 475 00:23:33,161 --> 00:23:34,037 [audience applauding] 476 00:23:38,166 --> 00:23:40,794 So, at this age, you already know about politics? 477 00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:43,588 -For sure. -What do you know about Donald Trump? 478 00:23:43,672 --> 00:23:46,216 I think he could have been my mom's doctor. 479 00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:49,678 -Why is that? -How do you think I was born? 480 00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:50,971 He grabbed her by the pu-- 481 00:23:51,054 --> 00:23:51,972 [shouts] 482 00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:57,352 But from what I could see, I liked him better than his opponent. 483 00:23:57,435 --> 00:23:59,271 -Hillary Clinton? -That's the guy. 484 00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:00,564 [audience laughing] 485 00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:02,691 -No, she's a woman. -Really? 486 00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:05,944 -Mm-hm. -Maybe I am drinking a wee bit too much. 487 00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,281 And I like all your news channels. 488 00:24:09,364 --> 00:24:11,491 What's the one with all foxes on it? 489 00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:13,118 -Fox News. -Yeah. 490 00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:15,328 The one with all the young ladies and their huge-- 491 00:24:15,412 --> 00:24:16,371 Ah-ah. 492 00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:18,832 --personalities. 493 00:24:18,915 --> 00:24:19,749 [audience laughing] 494 00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:22,377 Hanging out. [laughs] 495 00:24:23,545 --> 00:24:26,548 I watch ten minutes of that, and I'm starving. 496 00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:28,049 [audience laughing] 497 00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:34,890 -That reminds me. I got a joke for you. -All right. 498 00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:38,101 Do you know why chicken breasts don't have nipples? 499 00:24:40,937 --> 00:24:42,606 -Why? -Because if you froze them, 500 00:24:42,689 --> 00:24:44,608 they'd poke a hole in the package. 501 00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:45,859 [audience laughing] 502 00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,278 [Seamus laughing] 503 00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,912 Say, you never told me what happened to my real mother. 504 00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:59,414 Oh, I thought you knew. She gave you up for adoption. 505 00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:02,083 Oh, she did, now? And why would that be? 506 00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:05,670 I was told that the main reason was because she was an alcoholic. 507 00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:06,880 That was the best part. 508 00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:12,177 -What? -Her milk tasted like Baileys Irish Cream. 509 00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:13,929 [audience laughing] 510 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:17,224 -And you know why they took me from her? -Not exactly. 511 00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,935 She tried to make me her designated driver. 512 00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:21,686 [audience laughing] 513 00:25:22,562 --> 00:25:26,358 And by the way, why did you keep pulling your diaper off last night at the hotel? 514 00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,653 Uh... Sometimes, the boys need a little air. 515 00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:31,404 [audience laughing] 516 00:25:31,988 --> 00:25:33,031 We were in the lobby. 517 00:25:34,991 --> 00:25:35,867 Boys' night out. 518 00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:37,535 [audience laughing] 519 00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:41,998 [audience cheering] 520 00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:47,045 -Say, I've got another one for you. -What? 521 00:25:47,128 --> 00:25:50,090 Do you know what a baby calls a topless woman? 522 00:25:50,173 --> 00:25:51,591 -What? -A free bar. 523 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:52,926 [laughing] 524 00:25:53,635 --> 00:25:55,595 -Walter told me that one. -Oh, he did? 525 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:58,265 [Walter laughing] 526 00:25:58,348 --> 00:25:59,557 [audience laughing] 527 00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:01,601 Uh, you do know we have twin boys at home 528 00:26:01,685 --> 00:26:04,396 -who are gonna be your new brothers. -Oh, sounds lovely. 529 00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:05,814 I hate to drink alone. 530 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,858 They don't drink alcohol. 531 00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:10,568 Baby steps. 532 00:26:12,153 --> 00:26:13,530 Are you sure they're twins? 533 00:26:13,613 --> 00:26:15,740 -Of course. -Maybe you're just seeing double. 534 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:20,537 That happens to me a lot. The other day, I thought I'd hit the mother lode. 535 00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:21,913 -How is that? -Four nipples. 536 00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:23,081 [audience laughing] 537 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,875 -And you say your boys are twins. -They are. 538 00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:27,794 You told your wife to make it a double. 539 00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:29,087 [laughing] 540 00:26:29,587 --> 00:26:30,588 What are their names? 541 00:26:30,964 --> 00:26:33,675 -Jack. -Oh, as in Jack Daniels? 542 00:26:34,592 --> 00:26:35,719 Sure. And James. 543 00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:37,554 Like Jameson Whiskey? 544 00:26:38,555 --> 00:26:40,682 I love this fucking family. 545 00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:41,599 [audience laughing] 546 00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:43,310 [audience cheering] 547 00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:51,609 So, Seamus, can you walk yet? 548 00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:54,279 No, not yet, but I can do the pub crawl. 549 00:26:56,698 --> 00:26:58,950 -I don't think you should be in a pub. -Why not? 550 00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:02,287 I can barely hold my head up, I keep falling over, and I can't walk. 551 00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:04,581 I fit right in. 552 00:27:05,915 --> 00:27:07,917 How can someone your age be at a pub? 553 00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:10,920 Oh, all the drunks just think I'm a leprechaun. 554 00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:12,505 [audience laughing] 555 00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,716 I got thrown out of the pub the other night. 556 00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:17,552 -What did you do? -I tried to show off my lucky charms. 557 00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:22,474 To make it worse, I yelled that they were magically delicious. 558 00:27:23,641 --> 00:27:26,561 And that's Seamus, our new Irish baby. 559 00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:28,146 [audience cheering] 560 00:27:29,731 --> 00:27:30,565 They like it? 561 00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:39,866 So, this next guy is from somewhere down south in the U.S. 562 00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:41,868 Please, help me welcome Bubba J. 563 00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:43,411 [audience cheering] 564 00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,378 [laughing] 565 00:27:51,711 --> 00:27:55,256 -How are you doing, Bubba J? -I'm doing pretty good. 566 00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:56,424 [audience cheering] 567 00:27:57,384 --> 00:27:59,886 -What do you think so far? -Well, I've been listening, 568 00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:02,597 and I think this is one of the best audiences 569 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,516 we have ever had. 570 00:28:04,599 --> 00:28:06,017 [audience cheering] 571 00:28:10,855 --> 00:28:14,109 -Well, that's nice of you to say, Bubba J. -Well, yeah, I'm drunk. 572 00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:15,985 -So, I actually don't know. -Okay. 573 00:28:16,444 --> 00:28:17,362 -You're drunk? -Yeah. 574 00:28:17,445 --> 00:28:19,781 I've been in the trunk with that Irish kid. 575 00:28:20,323 --> 00:28:22,158 [laughing] 576 00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:25,286 He talks funny, but he can drink me under the table. 577 00:28:26,413 --> 00:28:27,747 [laughing] 578 00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:28,873 [yells] 579 00:28:33,336 --> 00:28:34,546 The hell is that? 580 00:28:35,588 --> 00:28:36,548 Oh, it's me. 581 00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:39,592 It's your baby picture. 582 00:28:40,093 --> 00:28:42,387 I thought those photos are supposed to be cute. 583 00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,557 I look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. 584 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,016 [audience laughing] 585 00:28:47,642 --> 00:28:51,354 Hey, that reminds me. I was on the tour bus a little earlier today. 586 00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:53,690 -Yeah. -I was talking to the other guys. 587 00:28:53,773 --> 00:28:57,193 They're talking about some guy around here they saw who was in his 50's. 588 00:28:57,277 --> 00:29:00,238 -Yeah? -He and his wife just had twins. Ha, ha. 589 00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:02,240 How stupid is that? 590 00:29:03,658 --> 00:29:06,619 Hey, I wonder who drools more, him or the kids. 591 00:29:06,703 --> 00:29:07,787 [wails] 592 00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:12,000 Yeah, you can give him a baby shower, but at his age, that'd be a sponge bath. 593 00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:13,001 [laughing] 594 00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:16,045 And when he takes his kids to college, folks will be like: 595 00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:19,382 "Hey, it's parents weekend. Why'd you bring your grandpa?" 596 00:29:19,466 --> 00:29:20,925 [Bubba J and audience laughing] 597 00:29:23,344 --> 00:29:25,764 -What? -Bubba J, you're talking about me. 598 00:29:26,806 --> 00:29:29,309 You took your grandpa to parents weekend? 599 00:29:31,019 --> 00:29:34,272 No, I'm the 55-year-old guy that has baby twins. 600 00:29:34,647 --> 00:29:36,232 [Bubba J squeals] 601 00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:40,069 Does your wife know? 602 00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,738 [audience laughing] 603 00:29:41,821 --> 00:29:43,656 She had the twins. I'm the father. 604 00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:45,909 -Oh, good for you. -Thanks. 605 00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:49,537 Yeah, I forgot I went and visited your boys the other day. 606 00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:51,414 -How did that go? -Well, like I said, 607 00:29:51,498 --> 00:29:53,541 I forgot. I was drunk. Surprise. 608 00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:57,378 But I do remember they are good-looking little boys. 609 00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,589 -Thank you. -And your wife is pretty, too. 610 00:29:59,672 --> 00:30:02,383 Well, thank you. And I'm sure your wife is beautiful as well. 611 00:30:02,467 --> 00:30:03,968 [chuckles] No. 612 00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:05,512 [audience laughing] 613 00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,014 -No? -Well, maybe after a six-pack. 614 00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:09,182 [laughs] 615 00:30:09,724 --> 00:30:11,059 How about after five beers? 616 00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:12,685 Too soon, too soon. 617 00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:15,730 But your wife really had twins? 618 00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,649 -She did. -Which one of them's yours? 619 00:30:19,526 --> 00:30:22,111 -They both are. -Oh, you dog. 620 00:30:23,404 --> 00:30:26,699 You know, come to think of it, I got twin kids of my own. 621 00:30:26,783 --> 00:30:27,784 You have twins as well? 622 00:30:27,867 --> 00:30:28,868 -Uh-huh. -I didn't know that. 623 00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:30,954 -Yeah. -Well, are yours easy to tell apart? 624 00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:33,248 Not really, but I'm getting better at it. 625 00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:36,584 I know Tommy is 9, and Mary is 3. 626 00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:37,877 [audience laughing] 627 00:30:38,503 --> 00:30:39,838 And she's black. 628 00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:42,966 Your daughter is black? 629 00:30:43,049 --> 00:30:46,135 Yeah, that was a tough one to explain to my wife. 630 00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:47,345 [audience laughing] 631 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,141 [audience applauding] 632 00:30:58,314 --> 00:30:59,148 Wait, what? 633 00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:03,695 Well, I had to swear up and down that I had not slept with a black woman. 634 00:31:08,616 --> 00:31:10,827 Bubba J, your wife gave birth to the child. 635 00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:13,788 I know, and she's gonna be pissed off when she figures out 636 00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:15,915 that kid might not be hers. 637 00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:17,208 [audience laughing] 638 00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:23,548 Hey, are your twins attached? 639 00:31:23,923 --> 00:31:24,883 [laughs] 640 00:31:25,925 --> 00:31:27,218 No, they're not conjoined. 641 00:31:27,302 --> 00:31:28,595 [laughing] 642 00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:30,430 What? 643 00:31:30,930 --> 00:31:33,141 -They're not conjoined. -Conjoined? 644 00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:38,938 I like that. "Here come them Dunham boys. Conjoined, conjoined, conjoined." 645 00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:40,231 -But they're not? -No. 646 00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:43,776 That's too bad, 'cause you could have had all them two-for-one specials. 647 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:49,157 When you go out in public, you'd never have to say, "Stay together." 648 00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:53,119 'Cause they're already conjoined, conjoined, conjoined. 649 00:31:53,369 --> 00:31:54,829 No, they're not Siamese twins. 650 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,539 No, they're American twins. 651 00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:58,291 [audience laughing] 652 00:31:59,626 --> 00:32:01,210 [audience cheering] 653 00:32:05,256 --> 00:32:08,760 So, for twins, did you, "chica, womp, womp," in a twin bed? 654 00:32:13,973 --> 00:32:15,808 No, Bubba J. That's not how it works. 655 00:32:16,225 --> 00:32:18,895 The kind of bed you have does not impact the child. 656 00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:21,314 I don't know. My brother's a queen. 657 00:32:21,814 --> 00:32:23,149 [audience laughing] 658 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,743 -And my sister's king-sized. -Oh. 659 00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:35,995 [as Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey. 660 00:32:37,121 --> 00:32:38,873 -[in normal voice] Why did you have two? -Well-- 661 00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:40,124 In case you dropped one? 662 00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:42,752 -No. -My mama swears 663 00:32:42,835 --> 00:32:44,796 I was not the twin she dropped. 664 00:32:45,713 --> 00:32:47,090 Oh, so, you're a twin as well? 665 00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:48,591 [chuckles] No. 666 00:32:49,884 --> 00:32:51,844 You said you weren't the twin she dropped. 667 00:32:51,928 --> 00:32:53,429 Right, 'cause I wasn't a twin. 668 00:32:55,390 --> 00:32:56,224 Duh. 669 00:32:57,809 --> 00:32:59,769 -So, she did drop you? -Well, yeah. 670 00:33:01,437 --> 00:33:03,481 You're not real smart, are you, Jeff? 671 00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:07,819 -Are your twins identical? -No, they're fraternal. 672 00:33:07,902 --> 00:33:09,487 Oh, they're in a sorority. 673 00:33:10,071 --> 00:33:11,572 [audience laughing] 674 00:33:12,573 --> 00:33:15,118 I'd love to have more kids of my own, but my doctor said 675 00:33:15,201 --> 00:33:17,203 my squigglers are too drunk to swim. 676 00:33:18,329 --> 00:33:22,166 Yeah, they're like drunk drivers veering off the road and crashing into bushes. 677 00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:23,751 [audience laughing] 678 00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:36,973 So, Bubba J, did you date a lot of women before you got married? 679 00:33:37,056 --> 00:33:38,099 Just my wife. 680 00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:40,768 Oh, good for you. You married your childhood sweetheart. 681 00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:43,479 Oh, no, I didn't marry my dog. 682 00:33:43,563 --> 00:33:44,981 [audience laughing] 683 00:33:45,732 --> 00:33:47,775 I meant the first girl you fell in love with. 684 00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:50,236 Oh, you know, she had her stomach stapled. 685 00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:51,779 Oh, she's a big girl? 686 00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:54,365 No, she's a centerfold in a magazine. 687 00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:55,408 [audience laughing] 688 00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:07,336 Say, did your wife boob-feed your kids? 689 00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:09,547 [chuckles] Breastfeed. 690 00:34:09,630 --> 00:34:10,923 [giggling] 691 00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:13,259 You said breast. 692 00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:16,054 -Yes, she did. -In public? 693 00:34:16,137 --> 00:34:17,388 -Not a lot. -Mine did. 694 00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:18,806 -Yeah. -I tried not to look. 695 00:34:18,890 --> 00:34:20,558 -Right. -You're not supposed to look. 696 00:34:20,641 --> 00:34:22,602 -Right. -You're a pervert if you look. 697 00:34:22,769 --> 00:34:24,604 -Right. -That's where my wandering eye 698 00:34:24,687 --> 00:34:25,730 comes in handy. 699 00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:27,398 [audience laughing] 700 00:34:28,441 --> 00:34:32,111 I'm looking over here, but I'm also looking over here. 701 00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:35,490 Whoo! Look at that! [laughs] 702 00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:39,619 So, you got two toddlers at home and also two kids in college. 703 00:34:39,702 --> 00:34:41,287 -That's right. -Think about this. 704 00:34:41,370 --> 00:34:42,872 Which ones throw up more? 705 00:34:42,955 --> 00:34:44,624 [Bubba J and audience laughing] 706 00:34:46,709 --> 00:34:47,794 [Jeff] Hmm. 707 00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:57,720 -So, it's five kids from two marriages. -That's right. I have a blended family. 708 00:34:58,137 --> 00:34:59,097 That ain't blended. 709 00:34:59,222 --> 00:35:02,892 I got a cousin who has a kid that's half human and half donkey. 710 00:35:02,975 --> 00:35:03,893 [laughs] 711 00:35:04,727 --> 00:35:06,229 That's blended right there. 712 00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:10,858 Their Christmas card looks like something went horribly wrong at the manger. 713 00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:15,279 -The manger? -Well, I think it's a manger, 714 00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:18,741 'cause every time somebody looks at the picture, they go, "Jesus Christ!" 715 00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:20,118 [audience laughing] 716 00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:23,037 [audience applauding] 717 00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:29,877 Anything else going on? 718 00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:32,421 Well, I'm no longer looking for work. 719 00:35:32,672 --> 00:35:36,884 -Oh, good. So, you found a job? -No, I'm just no longer looking for work. 720 00:35:38,261 --> 00:35:39,929 Is there a job you're interested in? 721 00:35:40,012 --> 00:35:41,472 -Well-- -What do you like to do? 722 00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:43,975 -I like doing this. -You like talking to people? 723 00:35:44,058 --> 00:35:46,602 -Uh-huh. -Well, are you up on social issues? 724 00:35:46,686 --> 00:35:49,397 Well, one time, I caught something from a girl, 725 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,024 and it itched, so I had to get a shot. 726 00:35:55,862 --> 00:35:56,696 What? 727 00:35:56,904 --> 00:35:59,407 Not a social disease, a social issue. 728 00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:02,201 Oh, I thought those are the same thing. 729 00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:03,244 [audience laughing] 730 00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,830 It itched, and that was an issue. 731 00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:07,623 [audience laughing] 732 00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:09,834 Especially socially. 733 00:36:11,586 --> 00:36:13,462 No, issues within the community. 734 00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:16,257 Oh, yeah, she's spread it around the whole damn community. 735 00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:19,927 In fact, I feel like scratching right now. 736 00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:23,431 But my arms ain't long enough. 737 00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:27,560 [audience laughing] 738 00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:32,440 Look, Bubba J, have you ever gotten a job? 739 00:36:33,274 --> 00:36:34,859 You mean, from that girl? 740 00:36:38,654 --> 00:36:39,572 [laughs] 741 00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,700 [audience cheering] 742 00:36:46,329 --> 00:36:47,663 No, a paying job. 743 00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:49,665 Well, I offered her ten bucks. 744 00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:54,212 Look, Bubba J, you like talking to people, and you care about them. 745 00:36:54,295 --> 00:36:56,297 -Yeah. -You pay attention to the community. 746 00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:58,633 -Sure. -Well, you could be in politics. 747 00:36:58,716 --> 00:36:59,967 -I could? -Absolutely. 748 00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:02,887 -I really do like to get things done. -Really? 749 00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:05,306 No, I'm just fucking with you. I don't care. 750 00:37:06,515 --> 00:37:08,684 Look, aren't you worried about Big Brother? 751 00:37:08,768 --> 00:37:10,603 Well, yeah, that guy's also my uncle. 752 00:37:15,858 --> 00:37:18,736 -Wait, your brother's also your unc-- -Don't even try. 753 00:37:20,488 --> 00:37:23,241 It's like arithmetic, it will F you up. 754 00:37:24,784 --> 00:37:27,286 Look, Bubba J, in politics, you have to give speeches. 755 00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,288 -Can you do that? -Oh, yeah. I memorized one. 756 00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:32,792 Ahem. I did not have sex with that woman. 757 00:37:32,875 --> 00:37:34,460 [audience laughing, then cheering] 758 00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:44,804 Bubba J, that reference is almost 20 years old. 759 00:37:44,887 --> 00:37:45,846 -Really? -Yeah. 760 00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:46,973 Oh, okay. 761 00:37:47,056 --> 00:37:50,101 I did not have sex with that little girl. 762 00:37:52,895 --> 00:37:53,771 Oh, shit. Too far? 763 00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:54,981 -Too far. -Okay. 764 00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:58,442 Do you have any experience with debate? 765 00:37:58,526 --> 00:38:01,112 Oh, sure. I use de-bait to catch the fish. 766 00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:02,446 [laughing] 767 00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:11,956 And then I can pull up some chain-link between the U.S. and Mexico 768 00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:13,791 and hire a secretary of defense. 769 00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:15,584 [laughing] 770 00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:18,004 I'm killing. This some funny shit, right here. 771 00:38:19,005 --> 00:38:22,591 Look, Bubba J, if you were in office, would you reduce the unemployment rate? 772 00:38:22,675 --> 00:38:24,051 Well, yeah, by one. 773 00:38:27,388 --> 00:38:29,307 -'Cause I got the job. -I know. 774 00:38:33,269 --> 00:38:35,688 -What about everyone else? -I'd make another speech. 775 00:38:35,771 --> 00:38:38,607 Ahem. Get a job, you lazy bastards! 776 00:38:40,067 --> 00:38:43,779 Look, Bubba J, with your appeal, I think you could reach out to young people. 777 00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:46,949 Well, my uncle tried that. He got put on a list. 778 00:38:47,033 --> 00:38:48,200 [audience laughing] 779 00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:55,541 I'm saying, you should get out and press the flesh. 780 00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:57,793 -No, that's what he did. -No, no... 781 00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:01,130 You don't know what "press the flesh" means? 782 00:39:01,213 --> 00:39:04,759 Well, one time, I sat on my own nuts. Is that it? 783 00:39:06,052 --> 00:39:07,553 I don't know how I did it. 784 00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:09,847 It must have been hot out. 785 00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:12,641 Ain't never been the same, you know. 786 00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:15,436 That's when my eye went crooked. 787 00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:16,687 [audience laughing] 788 00:39:17,146 --> 00:39:19,023 I was drunk when it happened. 789 00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:23,277 I'm pretty sure that's where the phrase "beer nuts" came from. 790 00:39:24,195 --> 00:39:27,448 -Say good night, Bubba J. -Thanks, Dublin! 791 00:39:27,531 --> 00:39:29,658 [audience cheering] 792 00:39:31,118 --> 00:39:32,203 -Good job. -Thank you. 793 00:39:38,250 --> 00:39:40,544 Well, thank you. 794 00:39:41,754 --> 00:39:43,964 Ladies and gentlemen, I have said it before, 795 00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:46,509 and I will say it again with pride. 796 00:39:46,675 --> 00:39:49,720 Please help me welcome the world's favorite terrorist, 797 00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:51,889 Achmed the Dead Terrorist. 798 00:39:51,972 --> 00:39:53,265 [audience cheering] 799 00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:09,824 Greetings, Irish infidels! 800 00:40:13,786 --> 00:40:15,037 Good to see you, Achmed. 801 00:40:15,121 --> 00:40:19,083 Oh, it is good to see you, too, infidel number one. 802 00:40:20,042 --> 00:40:22,002 Thank you. You're in a good mood. Why? 803 00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:24,463 -I cannot believe I am here. -Why? 804 00:40:24,547 --> 00:40:28,467 Because I was detained at your airport for days. 805 00:40:28,551 --> 00:40:29,969 [audience laughing] 806 00:40:30,553 --> 00:40:31,720 Why were you detained? 807 00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,559 -Seriously? -Well-- 808 00:40:36,642 --> 00:40:40,604 I was detained, because everyone here thinks I look like a terrorist. 809 00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:43,858 -But you are a terrorist. -That's racial profiling. 810 00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:47,945 -But in this case, everyone is right. -You are violating my rights. 811 00:40:48,028 --> 00:40:50,906 -What rights? You're a terrorist. -It's in your constitution. 812 00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:53,200 -We're not in the United States. -Same shit. 813 00:40:54,660 --> 00:40:57,663 -What--? -Freedom of the pressing of buttons. 814 00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:01,917 -No such thing. -Freedom to assemble shit and blow it up. 815 00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:02,960 [audience laughing] 816 00:41:03,043 --> 00:41:04,170 -Wrong-- -Stop laughing! 817 00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:06,755 What happened at the airport? 818 00:41:06,839 --> 00:41:09,842 I'm in line, and the Immigration guy goes, "We are vetting you." 819 00:41:09,925 --> 00:41:11,552 I never heard that word, "vetting." 820 00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:13,637 I thought he was gonna kick dirt on my dog. 821 00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:15,681 -Wait, you have a dog? -Yes. 822 00:41:15,764 --> 00:41:17,641 -What kind? -The pain-in-the-ass kind. 823 00:41:18,350 --> 00:41:19,935 -What's his name? -Little Bastard. 824 00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:23,731 -Why'd you name him that? -I think it's funny to say: 825 00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:25,107 "Come here, Little Bastard." 826 00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,444 -Is he a good dog? -No. 827 00:41:28,527 --> 00:41:30,905 -Why? -He's always trying to play fetch with me. 828 00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:35,367 -That's good. -No, not with me. With me. 829 00:41:35,659 --> 00:41:36,785 It's not funny. 830 00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:37,953 [audience laughing] 831 00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:41,165 If I yell, "Fetch, boy," he grabs my leg and runs like hell. 832 00:41:41,665 --> 00:41:42,666 Stop laughing! 833 00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:45,586 You think the sand on me is from the desert? 834 00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,214 No, Little Bastard buried my ass in the fucking beach. 835 00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:49,590 [audience laughing] 836 00:41:50,466 --> 00:41:51,550 It's not funny. 837 00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:52,760 [audience applauding] 838 00:41:57,723 --> 00:42:01,185 -So, what happened at the airport? -The Immigration guy yelled at me. 839 00:42:01,268 --> 00:42:03,145 He goes, "Why are you in this country?" 840 00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:05,439 -What'd you say? -It scared the crap out of me. 841 00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:07,399 I panicked and just blurted it out. 842 00:42:07,483 --> 00:42:08,984 "I'm here to blow up shit." 843 00:42:10,694 --> 00:42:13,405 -That's when he detained you? -And he did a cavity search. 844 00:42:13,948 --> 00:42:15,324 It's not funny. Look at me. 845 00:42:15,407 --> 00:42:18,869 Find a place on me where there's a cavity that I can hide stuff. Nowhere! 846 00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:21,455 I didn't even have cavities in my teeth. 847 00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:25,334 -Really? -No, I floss after every meal. Yup. 848 00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:28,128 -Well, how about under that? -Don't touch my turban. 849 00:42:28,212 --> 00:42:29,880 -What's under there? -Under where? 850 00:42:29,964 --> 00:42:31,465 [audience laughing] 851 00:42:34,593 --> 00:42:36,136 What are they laughing at? 852 00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:37,930 -Well, I said, "under there." -Yes? 853 00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:39,348 And you said, "underwear." 854 00:42:41,642 --> 00:42:43,060 [audience laughing] 855 00:42:43,143 --> 00:42:44,478 What are they laughing at? 856 00:42:45,062 --> 00:42:47,439 You said you have underwear on your head. 857 00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:49,650 That's not even a sentence. 858 00:42:50,776 --> 00:42:51,819 -Underwear. -Where? 859 00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:53,195 No, underpants. 860 00:42:53,654 --> 00:42:55,531 What? I don't wear underpants. 861 00:42:55,906 --> 00:42:56,824 Don't look. 862 00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:57,825 [laughs] 863 00:42:58,450 --> 00:42:59,910 I free no ball. 864 00:43:01,620 --> 00:43:03,122 [Walter laughing] 865 00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:04,540 [audience laughing] 866 00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:12,881 So, how'd you get away from Immigration? 867 00:43:12,965 --> 00:43:15,175 Easy. I put my leg in Little Bastard's mouth 868 00:43:15,259 --> 00:43:16,510 and yelled, "Fetch!" 869 00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:20,097 He dragged me all the way here. Here I am, yay. 870 00:43:20,889 --> 00:43:22,141 But now I have a headache. 871 00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:24,101 -Are you getting sick? -Just a headache. 872 00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:26,562 -You could be getting sick. -It's just a headache. 873 00:43:26,645 --> 00:43:28,355 -It really could-- -Read my lips. 874 00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:29,982 I mean... 875 00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:32,943 Shit. Read my teeth. Read my damn teeth. 876 00:43:33,527 --> 00:43:35,863 -It's just a headache. -Have you had enough water? 877 00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:37,156 What? 878 00:43:37,531 --> 00:43:39,950 Some people don't realize how important water is. 879 00:43:40,034 --> 00:43:43,704 It's really important. And sometimes if you don't drink it, you get dehydrated, 880 00:43:43,787 --> 00:43:46,999 You don't know it, you get a headache. It's really good for your skin. 881 00:43:47,082 --> 00:43:48,167 [audience laughing] 882 00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:49,335 Silence! 883 00:43:50,085 --> 00:43:51,420 I kill you! 884 00:43:51,503 --> 00:43:52,421 [audience cheering] 885 00:43:57,134 --> 00:43:58,594 Oh, thank you. 886 00:43:59,011 --> 00:43:59,928 Thank you. 887 00:44:00,262 --> 00:44:01,263 Thank you. 888 00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:03,766 Silence, I kill you. Silence, I kill you. 889 00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:05,100 Silence, I kill you. 890 00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:08,395 Silence, I kill you. 891 00:44:08,937 --> 00:44:10,564 Achmed, why do you always say that? 892 00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:12,441 -What, "silence, I kill you"? -Yeah. 893 00:44:12,524 --> 00:44:15,402 Because "hush, hush, or I give you a noogie" wouldn't cut it. 894 00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:17,112 [audience laughing] 895 00:44:17,196 --> 00:44:18,614 How's everything else going? 896 00:44:18,697 --> 00:44:22,451 Well, I am angry, because Facebook won't let me on Facebook. 897 00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:26,914 -Because you're a terrorist. -No. Because I don't have a face. 898 00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:28,415 [audience laughing] 899 00:44:33,337 --> 00:44:35,798 -Maybe I need more water. -Maybe. 900 00:44:41,303 --> 00:44:43,472 -Anything else bothering you? -I don't know. 901 00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:46,433 My 72 virgins are driving me crazy. 902 00:44:47,559 --> 00:44:48,894 -Why? -Why? 903 00:44:48,977 --> 00:44:53,440 Do you know what happens when 72 women all live in the same place together? 904 00:44:53,982 --> 00:44:56,735 We suicide bombers are actually killing ourselves 905 00:44:56,819 --> 00:44:58,821 just to get away from the angry virgins. 906 00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:02,449 So, this has been a while that you've had them. 907 00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:04,535 Is it still 72 virgins? 908 00:45:05,536 --> 00:45:06,453 [groans] 909 00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:09,081 I'm working on it. 910 00:45:10,624 --> 00:45:11,792 I'm exhausted. 911 00:45:12,543 --> 00:45:13,877 I just wanna play golf. 912 00:45:15,379 --> 00:45:18,382 -Oh, you play golf? -I wish. I don't have the equipment. 913 00:45:18,465 --> 00:45:19,800 [audience laughing] 914 00:45:20,300 --> 00:45:22,136 -No clubs? -No putter. 915 00:45:23,762 --> 00:45:24,847 No balls. 916 00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:28,225 Not even a bag. 917 00:45:28,308 --> 00:45:29,309 [audience laughing] 918 00:45:33,313 --> 00:45:34,690 [audience cheering] 919 00:45:38,610 --> 00:45:40,529 -What are they laughing at? -Never mind. 920 00:45:40,988 --> 00:45:44,116 And all of those women, I am not getting any younger. 921 00:45:44,199 --> 00:45:46,201 I'm like the tired popcorn guy. 922 00:45:46,577 --> 00:45:48,871 -What? -"Come on, get it while it's hot." 923 00:45:51,123 --> 00:45:54,251 Do you at least enjoy being with the 72 virgins? 924 00:45:54,334 --> 00:45:56,879 Yes, but I can never remember all their names. 925 00:45:57,463 --> 00:46:00,299 If you don't, how do you call out to one of them individually? 926 00:46:00,382 --> 00:46:02,342 Hey, you, in the burka. 927 00:46:02,801 --> 00:46:04,178 [audience laughing] 928 00:46:04,803 --> 00:46:06,805 Then they all turn around at the same time. 929 00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:09,600 It's like prairie dogs with hats. 930 00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,605 If I had a hammer, I could play the world's largest game of whack-a-mole. 931 00:46:14,688 --> 00:46:15,981 [audience laughing] 932 00:46:21,820 --> 00:46:22,905 Whack-a-virgin. 933 00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:26,533 Hey, wasn't that a Madonna song? 934 00:46:30,746 --> 00:46:33,499 I understand your first wife was with you in the beginning. 935 00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:35,584 And at the end. [mimics explosion] 936 00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:40,297 -So, what first attracted you to her? -Her goatee. 937 00:46:42,341 --> 00:46:43,967 She had that much facial hair? 938 00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:46,762 No, no. She had a little animal that went: [bleating] 939 00:46:48,347 --> 00:46:50,807 -I see. -No, no, you don't wanna see. 940 00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:54,019 -How's that? -My first wife was not a pretty woman. 941 00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:55,354 -No? -No. At the mall, 942 00:46:55,437 --> 00:46:58,023 Santa Claus looked at her and went, "Ho-ho-holy shit." 943 00:46:58,106 --> 00:46:59,816 [audience laughing] 944 00:46:59,900 --> 00:47:02,444 -But your first wife-- -I didn't care about her looks, 945 00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:06,448 because on our first date, I got pretty far with her. 946 00:47:09,576 --> 00:47:13,205 -You mean you, like, kissed her? -Oh, a lot more than that. 947 00:47:14,164 --> 00:47:17,751 -Really? -Yeah. I got to look at her ankle. 948 00:47:17,834 --> 00:47:19,670 [audience laughing] 949 00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:29,972 -Her ankle? -Oh, yeah. Just thinking about it... 950 00:47:30,055 --> 00:47:31,515 [moaning] 951 00:47:32,849 --> 00:47:35,185 ...gives me a big nothing. 952 00:47:36,603 --> 00:47:37,479 -Really? -Yeah. 953 00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:39,648 -Maybe I need more water. -Maybe. 954 00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:43,819 You know, I think comedy and suicide bombing have a lot in common. 955 00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:45,070 -How's that? -Timing. 956 00:47:45,153 --> 00:47:46,154 [audience laughing] 957 00:47:47,155 --> 00:47:49,533 Think about it. I kill you. [mimics explosion] Perfect. 958 00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:51,785 I ki-- [mimics explosion] He fucked up. 959 00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:56,206 So, was your wife one of the 72 virgins? 960 00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:59,668 No, no, no. She was long before them. And then she divorced me. 961 00:47:59,751 --> 00:48:01,962 -I'm sorry. -It's okay. I got the goat. 962 00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:06,258 -How have things been going lately? -Oh, not [bleating] bad. 963 00:48:06,341 --> 00:48:07,593 [audience laughing] 964 00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:09,553 Oh, that gets the laugh. 965 00:48:10,929 --> 00:48:14,725 I'm actually dating someone who is not one of the annoying 72. 966 00:48:14,808 --> 00:48:17,561 -Really? -Oh, yeah. She is also a suicide bomber. 967 00:48:17,644 --> 00:48:19,771 -You have a lot in common. -Yeah, she's dead. 968 00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:23,775 And when I say I wanna jump her bones, that's all she's got. 969 00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:28,447 Yeah, us having sex sounds like a horse on cobblestones. 970 00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:32,659 [audience applauding] 971 00:48:35,287 --> 00:48:37,956 When I give her a back rub, it sounds like a xylophone. 972 00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:40,334 [mimicking xylophone] 973 00:48:41,001 --> 00:48:45,005 So, if you get 72 virgins, what does a female suicide bomber get? 974 00:48:45,422 --> 00:48:46,256 Crock-Pot. 975 00:48:47,883 --> 00:48:49,593 -Non-stick. -That's great. 976 00:48:49,968 --> 00:48:52,554 But she is a very interesting woman. 977 00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:55,641 She claims she has edible underwear. 978 00:48:57,768 --> 00:48:59,478 Oh, you have heard of this. 979 00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:04,232 Yes, but what flavor edible underwear would a female terrorist have? 980 00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:05,359 Cherry Bomb. 981 00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:06,860 [audience laughing] 982 00:49:14,534 --> 00:49:17,079 -You get it? It's like two jokes. -Yeah. 983 00:49:17,162 --> 00:49:19,498 Hey, speaking of that, how are your twins? 984 00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:21,667 [audience laughing] 985 00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:24,836 -Oh, shit. They turned on me. -Yeah, they did. 986 00:49:25,545 --> 00:49:26,922 The boys are fine, thank you. 987 00:49:27,005 --> 00:49:30,217 But your wife getting pregnant, that must have been surprising. 988 00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:31,218 -Surprising? -Yeah. 989 00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:35,097 You know, like finding out a landmine still works even though it's really old. 990 00:49:37,182 --> 00:49:39,559 Chica, chica, womp, womp. [mimics explosion] 991 00:49:41,269 --> 00:49:43,939 The two new little Dunham terrorists. 992 00:49:44,439 --> 00:49:46,983 -They're not terrorists. -Just wait. 993 00:49:47,901 --> 00:49:50,487 -All kids are terrorists. -No, they're not. 994 00:49:50,570 --> 00:49:52,864 Hey, when you're holding one of your little boys, 995 00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:55,742 you never know, any second he might go off. Boom. Stink bomb. 996 00:49:57,202 --> 00:49:59,663 -What are their names? -Jack and James. 997 00:49:59,746 --> 00:50:01,790 [laughing] 998 00:50:01,873 --> 00:50:04,626 You are so fucking white. Oh, my God. 999 00:50:04,710 --> 00:50:06,044 [audience laughing] 1000 00:50:06,670 --> 00:50:08,463 Jack and James? 1001 00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:09,923 [audience applauding] 1002 00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:17,055 Sounds like a nursery rhyme for two gay kids. 1003 00:50:18,181 --> 00:50:22,477 [singing] Jack and James went out the door To fetch a pail of lattes 1004 00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:25,981 What are your kids' names? 1005 00:50:26,064 --> 00:50:28,191 Achmed Junior, Achmed Junior Junior Junior, 1006 00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,318 Achmed Junior, JR and Steve. 1007 00:50:32,362 --> 00:50:34,531 -Steve? -One of the virgins is white. 1008 00:50:36,783 --> 00:50:39,453 One of my boys is getting ready to go through puberty. 1009 00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:41,496 -That is a tough age. -Yup. 1010 00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:42,414 They never listen. 1011 00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:45,959 -You have to repeat things over and over. -Like what? 1012 00:50:46,042 --> 00:50:49,087 The same things my father used to say to me all the time. 1013 00:50:49,171 --> 00:50:51,548 -What's that? -"Stop pulling on your dynamite. 1014 00:50:56,553 --> 00:50:57,721 It's gonna go off. 1015 00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:01,224 And then you'll be blind." 1016 00:51:01,308 --> 00:51:02,392 [audience laughing] 1017 00:51:03,059 --> 00:51:04,519 [audience applauding] 1018 00:51:09,399 --> 00:51:11,109 Achmed, when my girls were young, 1019 00:51:11,193 --> 00:51:13,361 one of their favorite games was "got your nose." 1020 00:51:13,445 --> 00:51:15,030 You ever play...? 1021 00:51:15,113 --> 00:51:16,156 [audience laughing] 1022 00:51:17,407 --> 00:51:20,327 I am seriously going to kill you after this show. 1023 00:51:21,495 --> 00:51:23,413 So, Achmed, what were your parents like? 1024 00:51:23,747 --> 00:51:27,667 Well, after my father went to work, I didn't see much of him. 1025 00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:29,419 [audience laughing] 1026 00:51:34,299 --> 00:51:35,133 Where'd he go? 1027 00:51:35,217 --> 00:51:37,844 Over there, over there, up there, down there, over there. 1028 00:51:39,095 --> 00:51:39,971 That's... 1029 00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:41,807 [audience applauding] 1030 00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:45,435 That's terrible. 1031 00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,854 Yeah. So, now, whenever there's a sandstorm, 1032 00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,356 I'm like, "Dad." 1033 00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:50,941 [audience laughing] 1034 00:51:51,691 --> 00:51:54,986 Achmed, there's been a curiosity about you in the past ten years. 1035 00:51:55,070 --> 00:51:58,532 I get questions about you all the time. Are you gonna tell your life story? 1036 00:51:58,615 --> 00:51:59,866 -Like in a book? -Yeah. 1037 00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:02,077 Oh, that'd be great. Once upon a time... 1038 00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:03,245 [mimics explosion] The end. 1039 00:52:04,746 --> 00:52:06,081 If you could go back in time, 1040 00:52:06,164 --> 00:52:08,708 is there anything you'd do differently or change? 1041 00:52:08,792 --> 00:52:10,210 I'd cut the other wire. 1042 00:52:10,293 --> 00:52:11,837 [audience laughing] 1043 00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:13,171 It's not funny! 1044 00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:16,383 Well, did any good come of your death? 1045 00:52:16,466 --> 00:52:20,929 Well, it was near a hospital, so technically, I'm an organ donor. 1046 00:52:21,012 --> 00:52:22,389 [audience laughing] 1047 00:52:26,268 --> 00:52:29,938 Yeah, for the hospital staff, it was like a gross Easter egg hunt. 1048 00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:36,278 But now with no skin, I can't get the tattoo I always wanted. 1049 00:52:36,361 --> 00:52:38,864 -What tattoo was that? -Skull and crossbones. 1050 00:52:38,947 --> 00:52:39,990 [audience laughing] 1051 00:52:40,073 --> 00:52:41,032 Not funny! 1052 00:52:42,117 --> 00:52:43,577 Or maybe a face! 1053 00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:46,329 -Covered with water! -Maybe. 1054 00:52:47,455 --> 00:52:50,542 Damn it. Remind me not to blow myself up anymore. 1055 00:52:51,251 --> 00:52:53,003 Well, things could be worse. 1056 00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:54,337 How could they be worse? 1057 00:52:54,421 --> 00:52:57,340 Well, I could've found out my mother was a whore 1058 00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:59,217 and my real father is Walter. 1059 00:52:59,301 --> 00:53:01,303 [audience laughing] 1060 00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:05,682 [laughing] 1061 00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:11,563 Sucks for you! 1062 00:53:12,105 --> 00:53:15,358 Achmed, one of the biggest topics now that everyone is worried about 1063 00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:18,278 is that scary group who wants to take over the world. 1064 00:53:18,361 --> 00:53:20,113 Yeah, the Kardashians. 1065 00:53:20,196 --> 00:53:21,406 [audience laughing] 1066 00:53:26,578 --> 00:53:27,454 No. 1067 00:53:31,833 --> 00:53:34,836 -No, ISIS. -Oh, those guys. 1068 00:53:35,170 --> 00:53:38,506 -Were you ever in ISIS? -No, I was in a smaller fringe group. 1069 00:53:38,590 --> 00:53:41,384 We just blew up things. We called ourselves the Tali-bam! 1070 00:53:42,969 --> 00:53:45,013 But I love the Kardashians. 1071 00:53:45,096 --> 00:53:46,598 -You do? -Oh, sure. 1072 00:53:46,681 --> 00:53:48,558 That is one scary-ass family. 1073 00:53:49,643 --> 00:53:51,269 I cannot stop watching their show. 1074 00:53:51,853 --> 00:53:53,688 Really? Who's your favorite Kardashian? 1075 00:53:54,230 --> 00:53:55,106 The black one. 1076 00:53:56,858 --> 00:53:58,360 No, that's Kanye. He's West. 1077 00:53:58,902 --> 00:54:00,654 I'm pretty sure he's south. 1078 00:54:02,155 --> 00:54:03,698 -Not the direction. -No direction? 1079 00:54:03,782 --> 00:54:05,492 -Not that direction. -Which direction? 1080 00:54:05,784 --> 00:54:06,660 None. 1081 00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,912 -None? -Well, one direction. 1082 00:54:08,995 --> 00:54:10,205 He's in a boy band? 1083 00:54:10,288 --> 00:54:11,581 [audience laughing] 1084 00:54:11,665 --> 00:54:13,041 No, I said he's West. 1085 00:54:13,124 --> 00:54:15,210 Well, I guess. He's certainly not north. 1086 00:54:15,293 --> 00:54:16,670 -No, that's his daughter. -No. 1087 00:54:23,718 --> 00:54:25,512 [audience cheering] 1088 00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:31,142 His daughter is up north? 1089 00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:32,519 No, his daughter is North. 1090 00:54:32,602 --> 00:54:33,937 That's what I said. 1091 00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:35,605 His daughter is North West. 1092 00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:39,526 He's quick. 1093 00:54:41,361 --> 00:54:43,154 -No. -Is he still west? 1094 00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:44,197 -No. -Now no? 1095 00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:45,407 No, he's a West. 1096 00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:46,992 What are you, Italian? 1097 00:54:47,867 --> 00:54:50,370 [in Italian accent] "I don't a-care if he's a-north or a-south." 1098 00:54:51,413 --> 00:54:53,415 No, he's West, but he's not out west. 1099 00:54:53,498 --> 00:54:55,500 His daughter is North, but she's also West. 1100 00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:57,919 So, she's North West, and the whole family is West. 1101 00:55:01,631 --> 00:55:05,176 [in normal voice] You've finally started experimenting with crack, haven't you? 1102 00:55:05,260 --> 00:55:06,761 [audience laughing] 1103 00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:09,431 -But Kim is Kanye's wife. -Yes. 1104 00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:11,349 -And where is she? -I don't know. 1105 00:55:11,933 --> 00:55:13,560 But you know everyone else is west. 1106 00:55:15,145 --> 00:55:16,563 -She is, too. -A-ha! 1107 00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:18,231 Wait. 1108 00:55:18,314 --> 00:55:19,399 [laughing] 1109 00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,402 -Do you know who Kim's stepfather is? -No. 1110 00:55:22,485 --> 00:55:23,778 She's a lovely woman. 1111 00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:25,405 [audience laughing] 1112 00:55:25,989 --> 00:55:27,490 Stop screwing with me! 1113 00:55:28,283 --> 00:55:29,492 I kill you from here! 1114 00:55:31,953 --> 00:55:33,079 Not funny! 1115 00:55:35,373 --> 00:55:37,625 And you're making it worse, because I'm hangry. 1116 00:55:37,834 --> 00:55:40,462 -You mean hungry? -No, hangry. I'm hungry and angry. 1117 00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,131 You're looking a little thin. 1118 00:55:44,340 --> 00:55:45,216 Silence! 1119 00:55:46,468 --> 00:55:48,636 -Did you eat today? Oh. -Just breakfast. 1120 00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:50,889 -Cereal. -What's your favorite breakfast cereal? 1121 00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:52,307 Life. 1122 00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:53,850 [audience laughing] 1123 00:55:53,933 --> 00:55:57,353 And then I usually add a few grape nuts just so I can say I have some. 1124 00:55:57,437 --> 00:55:58,938 [audience laughing] 1125 00:55:59,022 --> 00:55:59,939 Not funny! 1126 00:56:01,107 --> 00:56:03,485 -You like any ethnic foods? -Mexican. 1127 00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:05,403 -Oh, I love Mexican food, too. -Yeah. 1128 00:56:05,487 --> 00:56:08,698 So, if you like Mexican, do you like soft or crunchy tacos? 1129 00:56:10,158 --> 00:56:11,659 [audience laughing] 1130 00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:19,375 Uh, in this instance, are you using taco as a metaphor? 1131 00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:20,627 [audience laughing] 1132 00:56:21,628 --> 00:56:24,839 Because your answer will determine my answer. 1133 00:56:27,008 --> 00:56:28,259 -No. -Crunchy. 1134 00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:29,177 Okay. 1135 00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:31,763 -Yes. -Soft. 1136 00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:37,852 I bet there's some school dropouts here that are very confused. 1137 00:56:38,728 --> 00:56:41,481 "I thought a metaphor was a new kind of Mercedes." 1138 00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:42,565 [groans] 1139 00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:46,903 "The Mercedes Metaphor class. It's like something else." 1140 00:56:50,406 --> 00:56:51,533 [laughing] 1141 00:56:54,577 --> 00:56:58,164 You know, in all honesty, sometimes in these places, I don't feel safe. 1142 00:56:58,248 --> 00:56:59,666 -A little outnumbered? -Yeah. 1143 00:56:59,749 --> 00:57:00,583 I understand. 1144 00:57:00,667 --> 00:57:03,002 I should have some sort of signal if I need help. 1145 00:57:03,586 --> 00:57:07,048 Well, I saw in a movie once where they told a guy to blink really fast 1146 00:57:07,132 --> 00:57:08,299 if he felt in danger. 1147 00:57:08,383 --> 00:57:10,343 Oh, okay. [panting] 1148 00:57:10,426 --> 00:57:12,637 [audience laughing] 1149 00:57:18,351 --> 00:57:20,061 Son of a bitch! 1150 00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:25,650 Bubba J's arms are too short and I don't have any fucking eyelids! 1151 00:57:26,151 --> 00:57:27,735 Maybe I need more water! 1152 00:57:27,944 --> 00:57:29,529 Maybe. Say good night, Achmed. 1153 00:57:29,612 --> 00:57:31,531 Thank you, Dublin! 1154 00:57:31,614 --> 00:57:33,199 [audience cheering] 1155 00:57:36,244 --> 00:57:37,412 I kill you! 1156 00:57:42,542 --> 00:57:44,335 And now for our last guy this evening. 1157 00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,129 He's purple, he's wacky. 1158 00:57:46,212 --> 00:57:47,922 Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut. 1159 00:57:48,006 --> 00:57:49,424 [audience cheering] 1160 00:57:55,597 --> 00:57:57,432 -How are you, Peanut? -Good. How are you? 1161 00:57:57,515 --> 00:57:59,934 -I'm fine. -That's good. That's good. 1162 00:58:00,018 --> 00:58:01,060 [laughing] 1163 00:58:01,144 --> 00:58:05,398 Two infants at your age, how the hell did that happen? 1164 00:58:05,482 --> 00:58:07,192 [howls] 1165 00:58:07,734 --> 00:58:10,570 Didn't anyone ever tell you about the birds and the bees? 1166 00:58:10,653 --> 00:58:13,615 Yup, but nobody mentioned the birds and the dinosaurs. 1167 00:58:13,698 --> 00:58:14,741 [laughing] 1168 00:58:15,450 --> 00:58:17,619 I wonder what their first words are gonna be. 1169 00:58:17,702 --> 00:58:19,996 -Mama? Dada? -More like, "Grandpa." 1170 00:58:20,079 --> 00:58:21,122 [laughing] 1171 00:58:22,081 --> 00:58:24,459 Don't worry, you'll probably be deaf by then anyway. 1172 00:58:25,335 --> 00:58:26,169 Grandpa. 1173 00:58:27,253 --> 00:58:29,756 Hey, you can all share the same mushed baby food. 1174 00:58:30,548 --> 00:58:32,217 -Or eat your shit. -Stop it. 1175 00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,595 -Is it hard to tell the twins apart? -Not at all. 1176 00:58:35,678 --> 00:58:38,181 But soon, it'll be hard for you to tell anything apart. 1177 00:58:38,264 --> 00:58:41,726 "No, Dad, that's a toilet plunger. That is not a dog dish on a stick." 1178 00:58:42,810 --> 00:58:44,229 At your age, playing catch 1179 00:58:44,312 --> 00:58:47,106 means trying to stop Daddy from falling down the stairs. 1180 00:58:47,774 --> 00:58:49,734 -You got no balance. -Stop it. 1181 00:58:50,235 --> 00:58:52,195 I got to watch them take their first steps. 1182 00:58:52,278 --> 00:58:54,697 Yeah, they get to watch you take your last. 1183 00:58:54,781 --> 00:58:55,823 [audience laughing] 1184 00:59:04,290 --> 00:59:06,626 The great thing for them is when they misbehave, 1185 00:59:06,709 --> 00:59:08,711 you won't remember what they did wrong. 1186 00:59:08,795 --> 00:59:12,799 "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times some shit." 1187 00:59:12,882 --> 00:59:15,218 -[laughing] You're senile. -Stop it. 1188 00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:18,263 I can't wait to take them to their first game. 1189 00:59:18,346 --> 00:59:19,889 What, bingo? [laughing] 1190 00:59:21,224 --> 00:59:22,892 -'Cause you're in a home. -Stop it. 1191 00:59:23,768 --> 00:59:26,271 Will they be riding on the back of your motorcycle? No. 1192 00:59:26,354 --> 00:59:28,648 The back of your electric scooter. Yay! 1193 00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:32,110 "Come on, Dad, let's run over the extension cord again." Yay! 1194 00:59:32,193 --> 00:59:33,778 Thump, thump, yay! 1195 00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:37,115 You don't have to take them to Disneyland. You can just put them on your chairlift. 1196 00:59:37,198 --> 00:59:39,450 [buzzing] 1197 00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:41,411 -You can't use the stairs. -Stop it. 1198 00:59:41,494 --> 00:59:42,537 [laughing] 1199 00:59:42,912 --> 00:59:43,871 Stop it. 1200 00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:44,998 Play hide-and-seek? 1201 00:59:45,081 --> 00:59:49,127 No, because you'll forget what the fuck you're looking for. 1202 00:59:49,210 --> 00:59:50,587 [audience laughing] 1203 00:59:51,379 --> 00:59:53,464 [audience cheering] 1204 00:59:54,048 --> 00:59:55,091 [laughing] 1205 00:59:58,803 --> 01:00:02,098 You'll be so old by the time your sons are ready to hear the sex talk, 1206 01:00:02,181 --> 01:00:03,391 you'll be saying to them: 1207 01:00:03,474 --> 01:00:05,768 "When a man and a woman love each other very much, 1208 01:00:05,852 --> 01:00:07,353 the man takes a blue pill. 1209 01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:11,024 Waits for it to kick in, 1210 01:00:11,107 --> 01:00:13,484 then lowers the railings on his hospital bed. 1211 01:00:14,819 --> 01:00:17,363 Throws his legs over this side and breaks his hip." 1212 01:00:18,364 --> 01:00:20,700 Wow, breaking your hip right after taking a Viagra. 1213 01:00:20,783 --> 01:00:24,454 "Well, before we put a cast on that, sir, we're gonna have to wait four hours." 1214 01:00:25,246 --> 01:00:26,748 -You got a boner. -Stop it. 1215 01:00:27,790 --> 01:00:29,917 Just do not ever give them that talk. 1216 01:00:30,001 --> 01:00:32,420 No one wants to hear the sex talk from their grandpa. 1217 01:00:32,795 --> 01:00:34,088 I'm not their grandpa. 1218 01:00:34,172 --> 01:00:36,966 Hey, if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck... 1219 01:00:37,550 --> 01:00:39,052 -You're a fucking duck. -Stop it. 1220 01:00:40,136 --> 01:00:41,971 -Might fucking quack. -Stop it. 1221 01:00:42,055 --> 01:00:42,972 [laughing] 1222 01:00:43,598 --> 01:00:44,557 Stop it! 1223 01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:46,684 I feel sorry for your boys, 1224 01:00:46,768 --> 01:00:48,978 'cause when they're old enough to go to school, 1225 01:00:49,062 --> 01:00:51,689 other boys will be saying, "My dad can beat up your dad." 1226 01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:54,275 They'll be saying, "We can beat up our own fucking dad. 1227 01:00:55,276 --> 01:00:57,779 Just have to knock him out of his wheelchair first." 1228 01:00:58,988 --> 01:01:00,490 Then you'll be laying on the ground yelling: 1229 01:01:00,573 --> 01:01:04,035 "Help! My 5-year-old sons kicked my ass and I can't get up!" 1230 01:01:04,118 --> 01:01:05,787 -'Cause you're weak. -Stop it. 1231 01:01:06,537 --> 01:01:08,456 -You're gonna get them a dog? -Eventually. 1232 01:01:08,539 --> 01:01:09,582 No, get them a dog now. 1233 01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:12,168 Get them the Shar-Pei, one of those full-defurred dogs. 1234 01:01:12,251 --> 01:01:13,252 Why that kind of dog? 1235 01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:14,504 Well, when they're teens, 1236 01:01:14,587 --> 01:01:17,215 everybody will be used to having some blind wrinkly thing 1237 01:01:17,298 --> 01:01:19,384 wandering around the house bumping into walls. 1238 01:01:19,926 --> 01:01:21,302 -You. -Stop it. 1239 01:01:22,220 --> 01:01:23,429 -But they're healthy? -Yes. 1240 01:01:23,513 --> 01:01:25,515 -Good, 20 fingers and 20 toes? -Yes. 1241 01:01:25,598 --> 01:01:28,101 -Two bats and four balls? -[chuckles] Yes. 1242 01:01:29,227 --> 01:01:31,312 -You'll bring them on the tour bus? -Probably. 1243 01:01:31,396 --> 01:01:33,564 Be like us and make them sleep in the suitcase? 1244 01:01:33,773 --> 01:01:35,608 -'Cause you're an asshole. -Stop it. 1245 01:01:36,651 --> 01:01:38,820 Just make sure you teach them how to tell time. 1246 01:01:38,903 --> 01:01:39,987 I will. But why? 1247 01:01:40,071 --> 01:01:42,490 So, they'll know when to give you your medication. 1248 01:01:42,573 --> 01:01:44,075 [audience laughing] 1249 01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:45,660 -Are they talking yet? -Not yet. 1250 01:01:45,743 --> 01:01:47,829 But we're starting to watch everything we say, 1251 01:01:47,912 --> 01:01:50,289 'cause eventually, they repeat everything they hear. 1252 01:01:50,373 --> 01:01:52,667 What are they gonna get in trouble for saying? 1253 01:01:52,750 --> 01:01:54,210 Prune juice. 1254 01:01:55,503 --> 01:01:57,755 Osteoporosis. 1255 01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:00,425 -Funeral arrangements. -Stop it. 1256 01:02:01,843 --> 01:02:03,761 Have you kid-proofed the house yet? 1257 01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:06,389 -Everything but a couple of antiques. -What, you and your mom? 1258 01:02:06,472 --> 01:02:07,765 [laughing] 1259 01:02:07,932 --> 01:02:09,767 -'Cause you're both old farts. -Stop it. 1260 01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:14,105 Think of how old you'll be when you teach them to drive. 1261 01:02:14,188 --> 01:02:15,898 -It'll be fine. -No, it won't. 1262 01:02:15,982 --> 01:02:19,485 They'll learn to drive if their indicator is always on. 1263 01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:23,823 When they graduate from high school, you gonna give them wheels? 1264 01:02:23,906 --> 01:02:26,075 -Probably. -What, the ones off your walker? [laughs] 1265 01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,120 -And two fucking tennis balls. -Stop it. 1266 01:02:29,787 --> 01:02:33,166 So, with the kids in the house, is the chica, womp, womp, kind of affected? 1267 01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:36,419 -A little bit. -Yeah, now it's: chica, womp, womp, womp. 1268 01:02:37,044 --> 01:02:39,881 You used to have on music like Sade and Luther Vandross. 1269 01:02:39,964 --> 01:02:43,134 Now you do it to the sounds of the baby monitor. 1270 01:02:43,217 --> 01:02:45,386 Chica, chica, womp, womp, [crackling] 1271 01:02:46,721 --> 01:02:50,016 You light candles, but now it's to get rid of the smell of the diapers. 1272 01:02:50,099 --> 01:02:51,350 -Yeah. -Not just the boys'. 1273 01:02:55,396 --> 01:02:57,982 What are your wife's signals when she's ready for love? 1274 01:02:58,065 --> 01:03:00,902 Does she coyly wipe the spit off her shoulders? 1275 01:03:01,486 --> 01:03:02,653 "Hey, Daddy. 1276 01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:06,365 I can change your diaper. 1277 01:03:07,658 --> 01:03:09,202 Want something to drink?" 1278 01:03:12,246 --> 01:03:15,041 Oh, like you have never thought of that. 1279 01:03:15,833 --> 01:03:18,461 Are you gonna be one of those really cautious dads? 1280 01:03:18,544 --> 01:03:21,214 -What does that mean? -Kids wearing knee pads and helmets. 1281 01:03:21,297 --> 01:03:22,673 -Probably. -I mean, you should. 1282 01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:24,717 You didn't have that when you were little. 1283 01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:26,052 -No. -Probably affected you. 1284 01:03:26,135 --> 01:03:26,969 No. 1285 01:03:29,013 --> 01:03:30,515 [audience laughing] 1286 01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:35,061 Jeff. 1287 01:03:36,604 --> 01:03:38,147 You're talking to me. 1288 01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:39,816 [audience laughing] 1289 01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:48,699 This isn't real. 1290 01:03:51,369 --> 01:03:54,247 I know. It's hard for you to accept, isn't it? 1291 01:03:56,415 --> 01:03:58,209 You should've worn the fucking helmet. 1292 01:03:58,292 --> 01:03:59,418 [audience laughing] 1293 01:04:01,379 --> 01:04:02,547 [audience applauding] 1294 01:04:09,804 --> 01:04:11,430 What are you--? What are you doing? 1295 01:04:12,390 --> 01:04:13,891 Being annoying. 1296 01:04:15,810 --> 01:04:16,894 This is awkward. 1297 01:04:18,521 --> 01:04:19,480 I know. 1298 01:04:21,524 --> 01:04:22,608 I don't like this. 1299 01:04:23,693 --> 01:04:24,777 Exactly. 1300 01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:27,905 If I were any closer... 1301 01:04:29,156 --> 01:04:30,616 I would be in you. 1302 01:04:30,700 --> 01:04:32,410 [audience laughing] 1303 01:04:35,037 --> 01:04:38,332 -Back off. -I can kick your ass. 1304 01:04:40,209 --> 01:04:41,252 What is wrong with you? 1305 01:04:41,335 --> 01:04:42,253 [laughing] 1306 01:04:42,336 --> 01:04:43,212 Stop it. 1307 01:04:46,424 --> 01:04:48,134 [audience laughing] 1308 01:04:59,645 --> 01:05:01,272 What the hell is that?! 1309 01:05:01,856 --> 01:05:03,149 Is that my hair?! 1310 01:05:04,108 --> 01:05:05,276 Put it back! 1311 01:05:10,990 --> 01:05:13,659 -Give me it back! -You know how this works, right? 1312 01:05:14,911 --> 01:05:16,829 -What? -You have a hole in your head. 1313 01:05:19,165 --> 01:05:20,082 Is this gonna hurt? 1314 01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:21,834 I hope so. 1315 01:05:22,793 --> 01:05:23,628 [Peanut] Wait, 1316 01:05:23,711 --> 01:05:25,880 -I just asked you if this is gonna hurt. -Yeah. 1317 01:05:25,963 --> 01:05:28,174 I bet no one has ever asked you that before. 1318 01:05:28,257 --> 01:05:29,634 [audience laughing] 1319 01:05:37,683 --> 01:05:40,353 Okay, here's one. This is the one you've heard a lot. 1320 01:05:40,436 --> 01:05:41,395 Is it in yet? 1321 01:05:41,979 --> 01:05:43,272 [audience laughing] 1322 01:05:45,858 --> 01:05:47,234 Say good night, Peanut. 1323 01:05:47,318 --> 01:05:49,320 Thanks, Dublin! 1324 01:05:49,403 --> 01:05:50,905 [audience cheering] 1325 01:05:53,491 --> 01:05:55,409 [Black Star Riders' "Soldierstown" playing] 1326 01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:11,926 ♪ They know he's bound for Soldierstown It's written on the moon ♪ 1327 01:06:12,009 --> 01:06:15,846 ♪ They're pulling all the shutters down Listening fearful of his tune ♪ 1328 01:06:15,930 --> 01:06:19,684 ♪ He'll sing his song of sixpence Break his fist upon a door ♪ 1329 01:06:19,767 --> 01:06:23,562 ♪ They know the score in Soldierstown He's journeyed here before ♪ 1330 01:06:23,646 --> 01:06:27,149 ♪ There is no choice, no compromise Give up one of your kin ♪ 1331 01:06:27,233 --> 01:06:30,736 ♪ To save the other children To save your bone and skin ♪ 1332 01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:34,490 ♪ Tonight's the night, you must decide Which son will stay or go ♪ 1333 01:06:34,573 --> 01:06:38,953 ♪ The devil rides in Soldierstown His boots cut through the snow ♪ 1334 01:06:45,918 --> 01:06:49,755 ♪ A shadow falls on windows Praying that he'll pass ♪ 1335 01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:53,467 ♪ Listening for the death knell Of his breath upon the glass ♪ 1336 01:06:53,551 --> 01:06:57,096 ♪ You all must lose a finger If you wish to save a hand ♪ 1337 01:06:57,179 --> 01:07:00,975 ♪ The stranger chants a mantra That the townsfolk understand ♪ 1338 01:07:15,614 --> 01:07:19,243 ♪ Now every son and daughter Has been taken in the night ♪ 1339 01:07:19,660 --> 01:07:23,330 ♪ Condemned, they say, to slaughter If they dare to take the fight ♪ 1340 01:07:23,414 --> 01:07:27,209 ♪ It's midnight out in Soldierstown There's a knock upon the door ♪ 1341 01:07:27,293 --> 01:07:30,671 ♪ The youngest pushed out in the snow To save the other four ♪ 1342 01:07:30,755 --> 01:07:34,550 ♪ You can hear the screams in Belfast town Or so the story goes ♪ 1343 01:07:34,633 --> 01:07:38,179 ♪ You can trace the sets of footprints In the deepest winter snows ♪ 1344 01:07:38,262 --> 01:07:42,308 ♪ There's nothing here in Soldierstown Save misery and pain ♪ 1345 01:07:42,391 --> 01:07:46,353 ♪ The crops all failed in Soldierstown They never grew again ♪ 1346 01:08:16,133 --> 01:08:19,762 ♪ The stranger, though misunderstood Had to come to save their young ♪ 1347 01:08:19,845 --> 01:08:23,349 ♪ To steal them from their poverty Turn their faces to the sun ♪ 1348 01:08:23,432 --> 01:08:25,309 ♪ To a place where law And love were taught ♪ 1349 01:08:25,392 --> 01:08:27,144 ♪ And peace, it overflowed ♪ 1350 01:08:27,228 --> 01:08:30,898 ♪ One night a soulless father Met the stranger on the road ♪ 1351 01:08:30,981 --> 01:08:34,652 ♪ I'll fight until one of us dies He screamed into his face ♪ 1352 01:08:34,735 --> 01:08:38,280 ♪ "I admire your noble notion" Said the stranger, touched by grace ♪ 1353 01:08:38,364 --> 01:08:41,992 ♪ But first please let me show you Where the young you gave me play ♪ 1354 01:08:42,076 --> 01:08:46,330 ♪ In meadows filled with laughter Growing wiser by the day ♪ 1355 01:09:00,761 --> 01:09:04,849 ♪ One day your son may save you all From the hell of Soldierstown ♪ 1356 01:09:04,932 --> 01:09:08,561 ♪ "But take him back," the stranger cried His patience wearing down ♪ 1357 01:09:08,644 --> 01:09:12,481 ♪ A stranger came to Soldierstown When 20 years had passed ♪ 1358 01:09:12,565 --> 01:09:17,444 ♪ Looking for his father Breathing slowly on the glass ♪ 1359 01:09:27,580 --> 01:09:31,417 ♪ There is no choice, no compromise Give up one of your kin ♪ 1360 01:09:31,500 --> 01:09:35,129 ♪ To save the other children To save your bone and skin ♪ 1361 01:09:35,212 --> 01:09:38,632 ♪Tonight's the night, you must decide Which son will stay or go ♪ 1362 01:09:38,716 --> 01:09:42,678 ♪ The devil rides in Soldierstown His boots cut through the snow ♪ 1363 01:09:42,761 --> 01:09:46,223 ♪ You can hear the screams in Belfast town Or so the story goes ♪ 1364 01:09:46,307 --> 01:09:50,019 ♪ You can trace the sets of footprints In the deepest winter snows ♪ 1365 01:09:50,102 --> 01:09:53,439 ♪ There's nothing here in Soldierstown Save misery and pain ♪ 1366 01:09:53,814 --> 01:09:58,235 ♪ The devil rides in Soldierstown He's smiling once again ♪ 1367 01:10:14,460 --> 01:10:16,420 ♪ The devil rides in Soldierstown ♪