1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Created and Encoded by -- Bokutox -- of www.YIFY-TORRENTS.com. The Best 720p/1080p/3d movies with the lowest file size on the internet. World of Warcraft - Outland PVP (EU) - Torporr (name) 2 00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:28,027 MAN: To recover contents such as shoes, socks and undergarments. 3 00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:30,863 And now an item of special note. 4 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,740 Barring any change in the weather, 5 00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:36,368 the softball game between the 133rd and 4th Infantry Divisions 6 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:39,413 will resume as scheduled at the Ban Mi Thout Park, 7 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:42,583 corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon. 8 00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:45,878 Please make a note of it. Ahem. Excuse me. 9 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,213 Those men who lost equipment in last week's rains 10 00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:50,924 are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer. 11 00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:52,259 Lieutenant Schneer... 12 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,678 Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts 13 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:59,475 to make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones. 14 00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:02,561 Bookworms, Headquarters Support Activities Saigon 15 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,690 operates libraries at six locations in the Republic of Vietnam. 16 00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:08,817 American personnel can check out a book 17 00:01:08,985 --> 00:01:14,031 in Ku Bai, Da Nang, Phung Tao, Saigon, Bien Hoa and San Treng. 18 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,450 If you can't stop in and select your own books, 19 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,535 write to the HSAS Library. 20 00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,288 Ask for the books by author, title and subject, 21 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:24,333 and your selections will be mailed to you. 22 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,710 With the holiday season rapidly approaching, 23 00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:29,838 those personnel wishing to spend Christmas cards home... 24 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,716 Wishing to send Christmas cards home to the States 25 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,677 are asked to do so no later than August 13th 26 00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:38,097 due to a yearly mail rush at that time. 27 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:39,306 Don't disappoint your... 28 00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,475 [STATIC BLARING] 29 00:01:41,684 --> 00:01:43,769 [PLANE ENGINE ROARING] 30 00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:51,902 LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: So take your liberties, 31 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,904 but watch the liberties you take. 32 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,907 Lost luggage. 33 00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,327 The Armed Forces sincerely regrets any inconvenience 34 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:03,580 due to luggage lost on transport carriers. 35 00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:05,165 Personal missing luggage... 36 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,292 That should be personnel missing luggage. 37 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:11,296 - Are asked to drop a card to Major Gerald Kleiner over at the 5th. 38 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:14,216 The card should be no larger than 4-by-5 inches 39 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,969 and should describe the contents of your duffel. 40 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,805 Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel, 41 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,141 as all duffels look alike. 42 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:23,767 Those personnel with lost bag... 43 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,979 MAN 1: Yeah, that's right, man. MAN 2: Hurry up, man. 44 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,151 MAN 3: All right. 45 00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:34,194 MAN 4: Hey, sarge, where are the women? 46 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,490 - Airman Cronauer? - You got it. 47 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:39,741 Welcome to Saigon, sir. 48 00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:42,411 - Careful, you could put an eye out. - God, it's warm, huh? 49 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:46,748 CRONAUER: Warm? No, this is a setting for London broil. 50 00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:49,918 GARLICK: I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque-Garlick, sir. 51 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:53,213 CRONAUER: Well, first thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name. 52 00:02:53,381 --> 00:02:55,340 GARLICK: Heh-heh-heh. I like you already, sir. 53 00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:56,592 Actually, what I am, sir, 54 00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:58,510 is your Armed Forces Radio Saigon assistant 55 00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,471 who's in charge of orientation and billeting of enlisted personnel 56 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:02,931 and company clerk. 57 00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:04,641 CRONAUER: I'm impressed. 58 00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:06,268 [ENGINE GRINDS] 59 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:10,689 - It's already started. - I understand. 60 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,316 [GARLICK LAUGHS] 61 00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:20,199 ["DREAM ON LITTLE DREAMER" PLAYING ON RADIO] 62 00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:52,147 LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: This is AFRS, Radio Saigon. 63 00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:55,692 AFRS Radio is owned and operated by the United States government 64 00:03:55,860 --> 00:04:00,322 and operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540 at 749 megahertz. 65 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,616 Jesus, that guy's as boring as whale shit. 66 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:06,787 Not really. See, the purpose is to inform you as to the radius of the radio waves. 67 00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:08,038 Mantovani? 68 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:10,999 They play Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs. 69 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,293 General likes easy listening. I have to inform you... 70 00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:16,880 Mayday. Dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock, stop the car. 71 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,299 GARLICK: I can't, sir. CRONAUER: You don't understand. 72 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,885 I've been on a Greek island with women who look like Zorba. 73 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,096 I never thought I'd find women attractive again. 74 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,098 Now that I do, you won't turn the car around? 75 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:29,184 - Thanks a lot. - You have a very important meeting. 76 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,478 There she is again. How did she get ahead of us? 77 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,105 GARLICK: That's another person, sir. 78 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:35,941 She's beautiful and quick. Speed up, check her stamina. 79 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:39,903 This is incredible. Oh, my God. They're quick, they're fast and small. 80 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,530 [CRONAUER LAUGHS] 81 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,408 I feel like a fox in a chicken coop. 82 00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,207 MAN: We got a new man coming in. 83 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,667 Don't you understand, Dick? 84 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:56,378 DICKERSON: No, sir, frankly, I do not understand. 85 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:59,548 Would you kindly lower your tone, please? 86 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:03,427 Yes, sir. I run this show, general. 87 00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,804 If anything screws up, it's my ass in the mower. 88 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,307 I deserve to be notified of any changes that are made. 89 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:11,393 Nobody's arguing that with you. 90 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:16,064 Look, I caught his show on the Isle of Crete, and this guy is funny. 91 00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:20,444 I damn near busted a gut laughing at him. And the troops, they love him. 92 00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,906 This is a tempest in a teacup. Much ado about nothing. 93 00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:29,119 For crying out loud, man, this isn't brain surgery. 94 00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,914 Don't get crazy over this, Dick. We're only talking about a damn deejay. 95 00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:36,752 There is no such thing as "only" anymore. Not now, not in Saigon. 96 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:42,674 Lieutenant Steven Hauk is our immediate supervisor. 97 00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:45,093 He's a little goofy, but he's okay. 98 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:49,056 Sergeant Major Dickerson, ha, that's another story altogether. 99 00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:51,808 He was a commander of an elite special forces unit. 100 00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:54,061 He came to us because of prostrate problems 101 00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:56,938 and some sort of social infection that doesn't go away. 102 00:05:57,732 --> 00:06:01,485 Plus, I think he got shot in the ass, but I can't confirm that. Heh-heh-heh. 103 00:06:01,652 --> 00:06:04,237 Anyway, he's the man that you don't want to aggravate. 104 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:05,864 CRONAUER: Are you always this happy? 105 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:07,574 TAYLOR: Cronauer. - Sir. 106 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,327 At ease. I'm General Taylor. 107 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,621 - Hi, general. - Real pleasure. 108 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,582 Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me. 109 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,752 I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here. 110 00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:22,339 - Garlick, have you put on some weight? - I don't think so, sir. 111 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:26,134 My son, the shadow of your ass would weigh 20 pounds. 112 00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:28,053 GARLICK: I'll work on that, sir. 113 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,806 You're not supposed to address the general saying hi. 114 00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:34,059 CRONAUER: Is that a new rule? GARLICK: No, old rule. 115 00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:41,817 - That's Lieutenant Hauk in there. - Who's the guy with the ears? 116 00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:45,112 How you doing? You could fly to Guam with those. 117 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:49,699 Um, Airman Cronauer, sir. 118 00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:53,286 You know, it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while. 119 00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:56,081 - Sorry. HAUK: Thanks. 120 00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,708 I understand you're pretty funny as a deejay. 121 00:06:58,876 --> 00:07:02,087 And, well, comedy is a kind of hobby of mine. 122 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,424 Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby. 123 00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:08,927 Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes. 124 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:11,555 - Really? - Yeah. 125 00:07:11,722 --> 00:07:13,807 And perhaps some night, we could maybe get together 126 00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:16,226 - and swap humourous stories for fun. CRONAUER: Yeah. 127 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,937 Why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records. 128 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,022 That'd be a hoot, heh. 129 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:22,732 - That's a joke, right? - Maybe. 130 00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,818 - I get it. CRONAUER: Mm-hm. 131 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,535 Where's this man's paperwork? 132 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:39,666 - Right here, sergeant. - Thank you, sir. 133 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,293 Hmm. 134 00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:45,714 United States Air Force. The hat does give you away. 135 00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:53,805 This is not military issue, airman. What sort of uniform is that? 136 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,098 Cretan camouflage. 137 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:58,768 If you wanna blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks, there's nothing better. 138 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:03,648 That is humour. I recognise that. 139 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,568 I also recognise your species of soldier. 140 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:10,363 I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces. 141 00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:15,535 But not before his humour cost the lives of three very fine individuals. 142 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:18,205 - I hope... - You shut your fucking hole. 143 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:21,458 You're in Southeast Asia now, pal. You got your cushy little assignment. 144 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,793 There's nothing I can do about that. 145 00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:27,839 I n time, you will make me forget it. 146 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,675 You stay out of my way, there'll be no problem. 147 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,344 But if you toy with me, 148 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:36,139 I'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child. 149 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,933 Am I being fairly clear? 150 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,643 - Yes, sir. - Sir? 151 00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,561 I work for a living, airman. 152 00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:44,523 You will address me as Sergeant Major Dickerson. 153 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,150 Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson. 154 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:56,576 He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes. 155 00:08:56,911 --> 00:09:00,705 Hello, hello, hello. This is your chaplain, Captain Noel, 156 00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:02,332 [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING ON TAPE] 157 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,210 Your radio programme of personal beliefs. 158 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,713 Great and manifold are our blessings today. 159 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:14,219 This great, godly miracle of radio really gives me the opportunity 160 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,471 to speak to you on the air. 161 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:19,432 Sir, it's time to rise. 162 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,479 My God, it's Mardi gras, and I'm on the main float. 163 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:27,190 Come on, sir. I n a couple of weeks, this'll be easy for you. 164 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,526 - Oh, let me go back to bed. - You gotta get up, sir. 165 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:33,196 - God, what time is it, Edward? - It's 5:30. 166 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:35,574 Five-thirty, it's very early. I may have to hurt you. 167 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:38,285 - Call me in five minutes. - No, we have to get up right now. 168 00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:40,161 - And you have to get on the air. - Oh. 169 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,122 - Come on, sir. - Fine. 170 00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:44,541 MAN [ON RADIO]: - Has signed Les Crane to a talk show. 171 00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:46,793 GARLICK: It's just down the hall. CRONAUER: Yeah. 172 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,462 - You must be nervous, sir, huh? - I'm not even in my body. 173 00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:51,881 GARLICK: Don't worry, it'll go great. This way, sir. 174 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:54,009 MAN [ON RADIO]: - Despite a letter of intention. 175 00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:15,780 We still have a few minutes before your show begins, sir. 176 00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:19,075 When it's time to read the news, you just take it off these machines here. 177 00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:21,036 But regardless of what you read, airman, 178 00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:22,954 the Department of Defence wants final say. 179 00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:26,207 So every item's checked by these two guys in here. 180 00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:30,045 Guys, I'd like you to meet our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer. 181 00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,692 That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz. 182 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,486 - Guy Monaco. 183 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,404 He's impeccably clean. 184 00:10:56,572 --> 00:11:00,283 This man has cleaning products shipped in from Wisconsin. 185 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:04,204 He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you, I'd think about suicide. 186 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:07,707 Sir, I really don't think that you wanna use any of those records, sir. 187 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,959 We have a selection right here that's prepared... 188 00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:13,546 I've been looking forward to meeting you. Listen, could you do me a favour? 189 00:11:13,714 --> 00:11:15,548 Can you say something funny right this minute? 190 00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:17,550 - I doubt it. - Ha-ha-ha. 191 00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:19,427 I'm with you, man. I'm on your frequency. 192 00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:23,223 Hey, let me ask you a question. What is the appeal of Joey Bishop? 193 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:26,559 I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny and he's not funny. 194 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,603 Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, 195 00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,730 but my father's nice and he's not funny either. 196 00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:33,233 Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me. 197 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,568 I ncidentally, you're on the air in about ten seconds. 198 00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:37,696 Nine, eight, seven, six... 199 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,742 Hey, this has been Fiction and Fact from Marty Lee's almanac. 200 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:44,703 And now direct from Crete, 201 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:48,873 welcome the silky smooth sound of Airman Adrian Cronauer. 202 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:57,215 [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. 203 00:11:57,425 --> 00:12:00,427 Hey, this is not a test. This is rock 'n' roll. 204 00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:03,263 Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ. 205 00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,640 Is that me, or does that sound like an Presley movie? 206 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:09,352 [SINGING AS ELVIS PRESLEY] Viva Da Nang, oh, viva Da Nang 207 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,647 Da Nang me, Da Nang me Why don't they get a rope and hang me? 208 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:15,984 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late. 209 00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:19,571 It's 0600. What's the O stand for? "Oh, my God, it's early." 210 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,323 Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz? 211 00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:25,910 Thank you for "silky smooth sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee. 212 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:29,372 "Good morning, Vietnam"? What the heck is that supposed to mean? 213 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:33,877 I don't know, lieutenant. I guess it means good morning, uh, Vietnam. 214 00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:37,714 And who gave anyone permission to program modern music? 215 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,133 Freddie and the Dreamers. 216 00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:41,760 [SONG PLAYING AT HALF-SPEED] 217 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:46,806 [SLOWLY] Wrong speed. We've got it on the wrong speed. 218 00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:51,144 For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right. 219 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,481 Let's pull her right back down. Let's try it faster, see if that picks it up. 220 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:56,149 [RAPIDLY] Let's get it up on 17, 18... 221 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,984 [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] 222 00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,737 Those pilots are going, "I like the music, I like the music." 223 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,782 Oh, still a bad song. Hey, wait a minute. Let's try something. 224 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:06,242 Let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better. 225 00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:09,871 [SPEAKING BACKWARDS] Freddie is the devil. Freddie is the devil. 226 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:11,080 [GASPS] 227 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:12,916 [HUMS "THE TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG] 228 00:13:13,083 --> 00:13:15,126 [AS ROD SERLING] Picture a man going on a journey 229 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,336 beyond sight and sound. 230 00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:19,839 He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarised zone. 231 00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:23,760 [SCATS] 232 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,012 [IN NORMAL VOICE] What is this demilitarised zone? 233 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,514 What do they mean, police action? 234 00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:29,808 CRONAUER: Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn, 235 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,227 "She looks pretty to me." Whatever it is, I like it 236 00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:35,355 because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino. 237 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:38,650 What is a demilitarised zone? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz. 238 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,735 [AS GLINDA] Oh, no, don't go in there. 239 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:42,362 [SINGING IN DEEP VOICE] Oh-he-oh 240 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,571 Ho Chi Minh 241 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,282 [AS GLINDA] Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon. 242 00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:48,326 You're among the little people now. 243 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,537 [SINGING AS MUNCHKIN] We represent the ARVIN Army 244 00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:51,746 The ARVIN Army 245 00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:54,833 Oh, no, follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. 246 00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,043 [AS WITCH] Oh, I'll get you, my pretty. 247 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,504 [IN NORMAL VOICE] It's the Wicked Witch of the North. 248 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,006 It's Hanoi Hannah. 249 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:05,760 [AS WITCH] Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too. 250 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,804 [CACKLES] 251 00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:12,141 [AS HANOI HANNAH] Oh, Adrian, Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian? 252 00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:13,768 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Hannah, you slut. 253 00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:17,522 You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it right now. 254 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:21,943 You know, he's really funny. You know, he's like a Marx brother. 255 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,154 And which Marx brother would that be, private? Zeppo? 256 00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:29,200 - I don't find him funny at all. - Zeppo? Isn't he the one with the hat? 257 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,160 Hey, hi, can you help me? What's your name? 258 00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:33,997 [SOLDIER] Roosevelt E. Roosevelt. [NORMAL] What town are you in? 259 00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:36,332 [SOLDIER] Poontang. [NORMAL] Thank you, Roosevelt. 260 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:39,669 What's the weather like out there? [SOLDIER] It's hot, damn hot, real hot. 261 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:41,004 Hotter things is my shorts. 262 00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:43,131 I could cook things in it. Crotch-pot cooking. 263 00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,217 [NORMAL] Tell me what it feels like. [SOLDIER] Fool, it's hot. 264 00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:48,887 Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot. 265 00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:51,014 You can be a little... I saw... It's so damn hot. 266 00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:53,766 I saw one of those guys, their orange robes, burst into flames. 267 00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:55,560 It's that hot. You know? 268 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,354 [NORMAL] What's it gonna be like tonight? [SOLDIER] Hot and wet. 269 00:14:58,522 --> 00:15:01,524 That's nice if you're with a lady, ain't no good if you're in the jungle. 270 00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:03,860 [NORMAL] Here's a song coming your way right now. 271 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,863 "Nowhere to Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas. 272 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,115 Yes. Hey, you know what I mean. 273 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:11,826 ["NOWHERE TO RUN TO" PLAYING] 274 00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:14,871 Too much? 275 00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:18,708 Thank you, Marty. "Silky smooth sounds," get out of here. 276 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:40,813 [CHANTING IN DISTINCTLY] 277 00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:51,699 That is not what we program here. 278 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,829 CRONAUER [ON RADIO]: This is AFVN, rocking you from the Delta to the DMZ. 279 00:15:57,039 --> 00:16:00,208 AFVN better than AFVD, which means you have to get a quick shot. 280 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,794 We're moving on right now. 281 00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:05,421 ["I GET AROUND" PLAYING ON RADIO] 282 00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:08,967 CRONAUER: Here's a riddle for you. 283 00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:11,886 What's the difference between the Army and the Cub Scouts? 284 00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,722 Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery. 285 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,112 CRONAUER: Hey, I'm Adrian Cronauer. I'm on again at 1600. 286 00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,155 Why? Because I have to, it's the Army. 287 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,657 Talking out in the field today. 288 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,742 Hi, what's your name? [SHOUTS] Bob Fliber! 289 00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,203 [NORMAL] Bob, what do you do? [SHOUTS] I'm in Artillery! 290 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,330 [NORMAL] Bob, can we play anything for you? 291 00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:42,250 [SHOUTS] Anything! Just play it loud, okay? 292 00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,051 CRONAUER: I have to admit something to you. 293 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:54,512 I just came from Crete with women that look like Zorba. 294 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:57,223 Whoo! Thank you. Those... 295 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:59,308 [AS GOMER PYLE] Those girls are just so pretty. 296 00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:01,060 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Are you in Vietnam? 297 00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:04,439 [AS GOMER PYLE] Yes, I am. Surprise, surprise, surprise. 298 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,941 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Why'd you name your daughter Linda Bird? 299 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,110 [AS LYNDON JOHNSON] Linda Dog would be too cruel. 300 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,611 Arf! Easy, girl, easy. 301 00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:13,239 Pick them up by their ears, it doesn't hurt them as much. 302 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:15,700 [AS GOMER PYLE] Oh, you're going to hell for that one. 303 00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,244 CRONAUER [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Here's a coincidence: 304 00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,872 Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders, actually the same person? 305 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,540 You be the judge, our lines are open. 306 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,710 We've got our traffic report up there on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. 307 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:28,546 How's it going up there? Adrian, it's not going exactly well. 308 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,840 There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there. 309 00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:33,384 It's not a very pretty picture. There's horns everywhere. 310 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,345 I don't know what to say. We're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm 311 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:39,515 and try and cook him down, maybe a little barbecue. 312 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:45,730 ["GAME OF LOVE" PLAYING ON RADIO] 313 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:02,497 CRONAUER: We've got a special man in the audience today, it's Mr. Leo. 314 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,332 He's a fashion consultant for the Army. 315 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,667 [EFFEMINATELY] Adiran, I'm just very happy to be here. 316 00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:08,002 I want to tell you something. 317 00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:11,047 You know, this whole camouflage thing for me doesn't work very well. 318 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:14,008 [NORMAL] Why is that? [EFFEMINATELY] Well, I can't see you. 319 00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:16,719 Heh, heh. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid. 320 00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,679 For me, I want to do something different. 321 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:22,308 You go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash. 322 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,310 You know what I mean? 323 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,732 [AS LAWRENCE WELK] Thank you for that lovely tune. 324 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,318 That funky music will drive us till the dawn. 325 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,779 Let's go. Let's boogaloo till we puke. 326 00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:37,281 [IN NORMAL VOICE] That's it for the Adrian Cron-Hour. 327 00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:39,367 I'm gonna take myself out of the driver's seat, 328 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,994 but I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Excitement. 329 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,790 A man with limp, damaged hair, but nevertheless a fireball. 330 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,460 Dan Levitan. 331 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:57,426 This is AFRS, Radio Saigon, and yours truly, Dan "The Man" Levitan. 332 00:18:57,594 --> 00:19:01,305 Greetings and salutations to any and all servicemen in the area 333 00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,724 and thanks so much for joining us. 334 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,810 [ALL CHEERING] 335 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,855 - All right! Yeah! Yeah! - Ladies and gentlemen! 336 00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:13,526 Yeah, he's funny. I know funny and this guy is funny. 337 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,528 Sensational. 338 00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:19,323 - At ease. - Hell, we already are. 339 00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:20,825 Just cool your tongue, airman, 340 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:24,412 because I intend to take issue with your performance. 341 00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:29,125 First of all, don't make fun of the weather here. 342 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,794 And don't say that the weather is the same all the time here, 343 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:33,045 because it's not. 344 00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,381 I n fact, it's 2 degrees cooler today than yesterday. 345 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,217 Two degrees cooler? Me without my muff, God. 346 00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:39,427 [DREIWITZ LAUGHS] 347 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:43,639 DREIWITZ: I tell you, this guy's funny. - I'm trying to run a meeting here. 348 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:47,810 You know, I hate the fact that you people never salute me. 349 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,855 I am a lieutenant and I would like salutes occasionally. 350 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,900 That's what being a higher rank is all about. 351 00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:58,237 Second... 352 00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:01,073 - Programming taste. - Programming taste. 353 00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:05,620 Frankly, I found your "I love a police action" remark way out of line. 354 00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:08,706 How can you have the gall to compare the conflict here in Vietnam 355 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,250 with a glass of cappuccino coffee? 356 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,253 Well, I was... It just comes up, I was just trying to be funny. 357 00:20:14,421 --> 00:20:15,671 - Funny is good. - Yeah. 358 00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,215 Funny is good. 359 00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:20,092 But then do it by using comedy and humour. 360 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:22,970 Not police action and coffee remarks. 361 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:27,141 Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music. 362 00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:29,018 Not wild stuff. 363 00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,103 Those we would find acceptable here 364 00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:36,108 would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani. 365 00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:37,318 Percy Faith. 366 00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,570 - Percy Faith, good. - Thank you. 367 00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:44,742 Andy Williams, Perry Como and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra. 368 00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:49,038 - Would Bob Dylan be out of line? - Way, way, way out of line. 369 00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:54,168 Former VP Richard Nixon will arrive here this week. 370 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:57,213 Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the PC. 371 00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,465 He likes to say PC instead of press conference. 372 00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:02,718 - The lieutenant loves to abbreviate... - And if you do... 373 00:21:02,886 --> 00:21:05,763 And if you do happen to speak with him, 374 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,349 please be polite and to the point at all times. 375 00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:09,725 Affirmative, sir. 376 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,520 Affirmative, sir. Good. 377 00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:18,109 Okay. Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November? 378 00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:23,489 Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but turns out he won't come. 379 00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:27,535 - Why not? - He doesn't play police actions, just wars. 380 00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,829 Bob likes a big room, sir. 381 00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:31,455 [ALL LAUGH] 382 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:35,293 - That is not funny. - How about if it escalated? 383 00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:45,761 - How about if what escalated? - The Vietnam conflict. 384 00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:47,805 The Vietnam conflict? 385 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,266 We are not going to escalate a whole war 386 00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,893 just so we can book a big-name comedian. 387 00:21:53,061 --> 00:21:55,521 We can get Tony Bennett or Trini Lopez. 388 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:59,400 I got it. Jerry Vale. He closes the Copa on the 18th. 389 00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:02,445 - Is that date firm? - I got it from my niece. 390 00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:04,113 Come on, this is not the Catskills. 391 00:22:04,281 --> 00:22:06,574 Get somebody good, The Beach Boys. Don't dick around. 392 00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:09,076 We tried, but their agent says they're still on the beach 393 00:22:09,244 --> 00:22:12,121 and they won't be off the sand till November. Ha-ha-ha! Bada-bing! 394 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:14,790 Well, didn't somebody wearing my uniform 395 00:22:14,958 --> 00:22:17,126 and bearing a striking resemblance to myself 396 00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:20,087 just say that that kind of music was inappropriate? 397 00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:22,715 Sorry, sir. I haven't been to sleep. 398 00:22:24,676 --> 00:22:27,303 - The former VP will be here on Friday. GARLICK: Ha-ha-ha. 399 00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,764 I expect every minute of the VP's PC 400 00:22:29,973 --> 00:22:32,975 to be taped and broadcast within 12 hours of his arrival. 401 00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:34,477 Something funny, Garlick? 402 00:22:34,644 --> 00:22:36,979 Perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of us. 403 00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:41,025 No, sir. The former vice president is a delight, sir. 404 00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,526 Excuse me, sir. 405 00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:44,862 Seeing as how the VP is such a VI P, 406 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:47,823 shouldn't we keep the PC on the q.t., because if it leaks to the VC, 407 00:22:47,991 --> 00:22:50,242 he could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP. 408 00:23:00,128 --> 00:23:03,923 - I would like to leave the room now. - Oh, uh, yes, sir. 409 00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:08,803 [ALL LAUGHING] 410 00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:13,391 KIRK: Oh, what a dude. 411 00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,563 [DREIWITZ AS HAUK] And if you do... 412 00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:21,982 [ALL AS HAUK] And if you do... 413 00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:27,738 Eddie Kirk here, and Ray Conniff jubilee coming up in just a few moments. 414 00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:31,242 I call it a jubilee. Actually, it's a Ray Conniff featurette. 415 00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:35,663 Three, maybe four, back-to-back Ray Conniff classics. 416 00:23:58,019 --> 00:24:00,396 GARLICK: We're here, sir. Jimmy Wah's. 417 00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:05,693 This is the place where we like to hang out, sir. 418 00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:08,696 CRONAUER: Real homey, in an opium kind of way. 419 00:24:08,864 --> 00:24:11,657 - Earl, Earl, Earl. - That's Jimmy Wah, he owns the place. 420 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:14,034 Hi, hi, hi. 421 00:24:15,328 --> 00:24:17,413 Now you say hi to me, then you smile. 422 00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:18,664 [IN UNISON] Hi. 423 00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,667 Hey, you two Earl. What about couple beer? 424 00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:24,336 We'd love a couple of beers, Jimmy. 425 00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:28,132 CRONAUER: Either of our names Earl? - He calls everybody Earl. 426 00:24:30,051 --> 00:24:32,178 Is it me or is Jimmy light in the loafers? 427 00:24:32,345 --> 00:24:36,390 Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan. 428 00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:39,393 He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor. 429 00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:42,271 - For three years, he's been trying. - Walter Brennan? 430 00:24:42,439 --> 00:24:44,857 You know, Walter Brennan from The Real McCoys, the TV show? 431 00:24:45,025 --> 00:24:48,152 [AS WALTER BRENNAN] Well, well, well, Luke. Well, well. 432 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,572 Anyway, there's this guy from the 1 st Battalion, 2nd I nfantry, 433 00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:55,075 who swore that he could get him naked photographs of the actor. 434 00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:57,953 I've been trying to tell him that it's no-go, but he won't listen. 435 00:24:58,121 --> 00:25:00,039 God. Nude photographs of Walter Brennan. 436 00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:01,373 Here your beer. 437 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,250 - Thank you, Jimmy. - Right. 438 00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:06,170 Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing? 439 00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:10,925 - No, and it doesn't look good, Jimmy. - He look good to me. 440 00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:19,308 - Ba Muy Ba beer, best beer in Vietnam. - Ba Muy Ba beer, only beer in Vietnam. 441 00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:21,227 Try it. 442 00:25:21,728 --> 00:25:24,438 - Oh, what happened? - What happened? 443 00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:26,482 - Formaldehyde. - Oh. Heh, heh. 444 00:25:26,650 --> 00:25:29,610 We put in just a touch of formaldehyde for flavour. 445 00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:31,403 Some people get sick, yeah. 446 00:25:31,571 --> 00:25:33,864 So if you have to be rushed to a hospital, 447 00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:36,325 then when you return, I give you a free salad. 448 00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:39,453 Well, that seems fair. It really does. 449 00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:42,748 - You'll get used to it. - Maybe. 450 00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:44,333 There she is. 451 00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:47,044 Any girl who wants me this bad, I can't let her down. 452 00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:48,671 - The hunt is on. - What is wrong? 453 00:25:48,838 --> 00:25:51,799 - I gotta catch her before she accelerates. WAH: You can't go yet. 454 00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:54,426 - You have to taste my spicy chicken... GARLICK: Sir. 455 00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:55,678 - Cooked with... 456 00:25:55,845 --> 00:25:57,846 Hi. How's Lynn doing? 457 00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:00,474 I'm sorry. You look like Lynn's friend from Toledo. 458 00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:02,726 Let me make it up to you by buying a cup of coffee. 459 00:26:02,894 --> 00:26:04,603 Also, tea would fall into that category. 460 00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:10,776 I not think be not correct of way. Please, okay? 461 00:26:11,611 --> 00:26:14,321 - What'd she just say? - She said no, sir. 462 00:26:14,489 --> 00:26:17,074 CRONAUER: Oh, Edward, I'm in love. Think she likes seafood? 463 00:26:17,284 --> 00:26:20,035 I'm... She's getting away. Edward, get the jeep, get the jeep. 464 00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:22,371 Okay. It's blocked in by a truck. 465 00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:25,583 - Stay here, sir, I'll talk to the guys, okay? - We don't have time. Taxi. 466 00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,460 - Bikes, we'll buy bikes. - We won't buy bikes. 467 00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:30,421 There's actually no rubber on these tyres. 468 00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:34,383 Oh, picky, picky. Let's go, Edward. Yeah, the chase. 469 00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:38,178 [BICYCLE BELL RINGING] 470 00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:45,060 Sir! Sir, we have to get some dignity here. 471 00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:46,937 A little dignity! 472 00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:50,733 Sir! Sir, I tell you, this is not safe! 473 00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:58,198 Sir! 474 00:26:58,408 --> 00:26:59,950 Sir, sir! 475 00:27:23,475 --> 00:27:25,559 [TRUCK HORN HONKING] 476 00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:53,962 - Good afternoon, class. STUDENTS: Good afternoon, Mr. Sloan. 477 00:27:55,256 --> 00:27:58,717 SLOAN: Last time, in our last class, we read Chapter 3. 478 00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:01,595 Should've gotten the one with the training wheels, pal. 479 00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:04,223 I was almost killed. 480 00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:07,142 A truck's bumper was this far from my nose. 481 00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:11,772 My whole life passed before my eyes, and it wasn't even interesting to me. 482 00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:14,733 How am I gonna get to first base with this girl? 483 00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:19,488 SLOAN: I want to buy some butter and some cheese, please. 484 00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:22,074 It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does. 485 00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:25,953 Stamp collections, pulling chickweed from my dad's dichondra plants. 486 00:28:26,121 --> 00:28:29,248 Arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage. 487 00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:32,376 Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull. 488 00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:35,796 - I find that very alarming. - Edward, stay with me on this. 489 00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:37,881 How am I gonna get this girl to go out with me? 490 00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:40,092 You're not. This is a very different culture. 491 00:28:40,260 --> 00:28:42,803 You would need very specific family-sanctioned introductions 492 00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:45,723 - in order to talk to this girl... CRONAUER: Shh! Listen. 493 00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:52,438 - It read for my the book. - I've never heard rhymes like that. 494 00:28:52,605 --> 00:28:55,232 God, I've gotta be with her, at least till she learns my name. 495 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:57,192 You think the teacher would be able to date her? 496 00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,862 - Possibly, but you would need... - Just what I wanted to hear. 497 00:29:00,029 --> 00:29:03,365 - Specific introductions. 498 00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:06,910 SLOAN: What we're gonna talk about today is shopping. 499 00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:10,497 Shopping for dinner and the things you buy during, uh... 500 00:29:10,665 --> 00:29:12,624 I n your shopping trip. 501 00:29:13,877 --> 00:29:17,629 Specifically... Excuse me. 502 00:29:19,007 --> 00:29:20,132 Can I help you? 503 00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:23,677 Yes, I have two months to live and I would like to teach before I die. 504 00:29:30,977 --> 00:29:34,021 I don't think you understand me, Sparky. Ahem. 505 00:29:34,397 --> 00:29:36,565 It's all yours, you got it. 506 00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:43,989 Hello, class. My name is Adrian Cronauer. 507 00:29:44,157 --> 00:29:46,366 And I'd like to get to know all of you 508 00:29:46,534 --> 00:29:49,453 by having you write down your name, address, 509 00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:52,206 your home and work phone on paper, and passing it forward. 510 00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:55,125 Sergeant Sloan our teacher. You're not supposed to be in here. 511 00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:58,629 I was sent here on very strict orders from a colonel. 512 00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:02,132 First thing I'd like to know is what subject this is. 513 00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:04,593 - Is it English? CRONAUER: Yes, it is. 514 00:30:04,803 --> 00:30:07,554 And how lucky for me. Thank you very much for playing. 515 00:30:07,722 --> 00:30:11,934 Now, let's start off with the fact that English is a fantastic language. 516 00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:15,229 Let's try a little phrase, uh, I like to call: 517 00:30:15,396 --> 00:30:17,397 "My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble. 518 00:30:17,565 --> 00:30:20,400 Hey, nah, hey, nah, my boyfriend's back." Can we try that one? 519 00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:23,862 Can we try, "My boyfriend's back"? Anybody? 520 00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:28,116 She's not for you. 521 00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:31,119 Why do I feel like the miracle worker up here? 522 00:30:31,287 --> 00:30:32,913 [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY AS HELEN KELLER] 523 00:30:33,540 --> 00:30:36,542 GARLICK: This is a nightmare. CRONAUER: I don't know. 524 00:30:36,709 --> 00:30:38,502 Even saying that means I don't know dick. 525 00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:40,963 I can't really teach English. 526 00:30:41,130 --> 00:30:43,799 Didn't have to pick up the phones until he comes back. 527 00:30:43,967 --> 00:30:48,470 I can only tell you about how you can talk on maybe the real streets of America. 528 00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:51,348 If you're walking on the streets of New York and someone says, 529 00:30:51,516 --> 00:30:52,933 [FLATLY] "Hey, excuse me. 530 00:30:53,101 --> 00:30:55,978 I would like to buy some cheese and some butter." 531 00:30:56,145 --> 00:30:58,105 [IN NORMAL VOICE] No. No, come on. 532 00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:00,232 Basically, we talk, "Hey, man, what's happening? 533 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,818 You look hip today. Slip me some skin." 534 00:31:02,986 --> 00:31:04,611 If someone in America comes up and says, 535 00:31:04,779 --> 00:31:06,321 "Slip me some skin," don't be afraid. 536 00:31:06,489 --> 00:31:08,323 They're not a leper, they're not gonna go: 537 00:31:08,491 --> 00:31:10,951 No, it means like, "Hey, baby, slip me some skin." 538 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,162 It's a greeting. It's like, "How are you doing? Slip me some skin." 539 00:31:14,330 --> 00:31:17,165 Here's how you do it, "Slip me some skin." Put your hand out there. 540 00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:20,168 Then you go. "Yeah, there's some skin." Now you do it to me. 541 00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,296 Yeah, now, then you say, "Groovy, yeah." 542 00:31:22,463 --> 00:31:23,672 Say that. 543 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,173 MAN: Groovy. - Yes. 544 00:31:25,341 --> 00:31:27,217 [STUDENTS LAUGH] 545 00:31:27,385 --> 00:31:28,760 Baby. 546 00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:31,054 If something's really nice, you say it's groovy. 547 00:31:31,222 --> 00:31:32,639 Doesn't mean you're like going: 548 00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:34,474 No, it means groovy. Try that one. 549 00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:38,061 Say, "Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove." 550 00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:40,939 Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove. 551 00:31:42,275 --> 00:31:44,359 [BELL RINGS] 552 00:31:45,653 --> 00:31:48,030 - See you later. - Mr. Cronauer, I really liking you. 553 00:31:48,197 --> 00:31:50,073 - Well, I'm liking you too. - Thank you. 554 00:31:50,241 --> 00:31:52,576 - You teach American thing okay. CRONAUER: Okay. 555 00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:54,036 WILKIE: Play game of softball. 556 00:31:54,203 --> 00:31:57,539 Okay, yeah, well, we'll try and do that if we get the equipment. 557 00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:02,210 - You forget the girl. - Oh, I'll let her say no. 558 00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:04,546 She's say no. That's what walking away from you means. 559 00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:07,132 I'm interested in the girl, not in you playing "Dear Abby." 560 00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:08,884 I know because she's my sister. 561 00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:12,179 I would, however, love to buy you lunch, maybe look at a family album. 562 00:32:12,347 --> 00:32:14,598 - Come on. - I not like you, sir. 563 00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:17,184 Why not? I got a great personality, you ask anybody. 564 00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:19,853 You phoney, like American and French before you. 565 00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:22,606 Here to get something, leaving when you not get it. 566 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:25,025 You come into my class, so maybe we like you. 567 00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:27,694 You come for the girl, you get her, you go. 568 00:32:27,862 --> 00:32:30,113 Okay, Sherlock, yeah, I bribed my way to meet the girl. 569 00:32:30,281 --> 00:32:33,825 You got me, bang. But, hey, I like the class, so I'm gonna stay. 570 00:32:33,993 --> 00:32:36,244 Let's be friends, okay? Come on. 571 00:32:36,746 --> 00:32:39,873 - Come on, come on. - You like me because of my sister. 572 00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:43,085 No, I like you because you're honest. Because you're shorter than I am. 573 00:32:43,252 --> 00:32:46,213 We look like a before and after picture. Come on, let me buy you a beer. 574 00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:48,882 Sometimes your face look like a fish in the Gulf of Thailand. 575 00:32:49,050 --> 00:32:51,885 That's true, it's very true. That's an insult, isn't it? 576 00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:56,223 TUAN: You can buy me lunch, but please forget about my sister. 577 00:32:56,391 --> 00:32:58,266 I know Americans. 578 00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:02,354 You see a girl with the type breasts they like and they put her in a fancy car, 579 00:33:02,522 --> 00:33:06,149 and they buy her some expensive food, and then lie about money. 580 00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:07,859 And then try and take her into a bed. 581 00:33:08,027 --> 00:33:11,321 CRONAUER: So, what's wrong with that? TUAN: It's more devout here. 582 00:33:14,283 --> 00:33:16,952 CRONAUER: Any food on this street that doesn't give you diarrhoea? 583 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:18,328 TUAN: You wanting some? 584 00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:24,209 What the hell is this? 585 00:33:25,044 --> 00:33:28,005 Oh, she pour nuoc mam noodle soup with fish ball. 586 00:33:28,172 --> 00:33:30,007 Didn't know they had balls. 587 00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:33,176 Eat. 588 00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:35,512 I can't, it's still paddling. 589 00:33:35,722 --> 00:33:38,932 No, it okay. I not tell you okay otherwise. 590 00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,308 You like it. 591 00:33:41,060 --> 00:33:44,146 You see? You don't trusting me. 592 00:33:44,772 --> 00:33:48,734 I trust you, man, it's just that I can't eat something that looks like a cesspool. 593 00:33:48,901 --> 00:33:51,570 You mad I not trust you, but true, you not trust me. 594 00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,322 You want be my friend, you trusting me. You would eat it. 595 00:33:54,782 --> 00:33:58,869 Hey, I'll be... I wanna be your pal. Here, okay, I'll eat it. 596 00:33:59,078 --> 00:34:01,496 Dig in. Mm-mm. 597 00:34:03,541 --> 00:34:07,753 Jeez! Shit! God. Oh, hot. 598 00:34:07,962 --> 00:34:09,713 My... Ow. Shit. 599 00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:12,424 - This stuff is burning the hair off my feet. - Hot? 600 00:34:12,592 --> 00:34:14,593 No, hot? No, it's fucking great. 601 00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:16,803 [COUGHS] 602 00:34:17,805 --> 00:34:20,307 - She say it's a little spicy. - A little, yeah. 603 00:34:22,518 --> 00:34:25,395 Isn't that funny? You like that too? 604 00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:27,397 A little of this: Whoo-whoo-whoo. 605 00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:30,901 She likes the Three Stooges. [AS CURLY] Hey, Moe, hey, Moe. 606 00:34:31,110 --> 00:34:33,570 Oh, me like that you're silly. 607 00:34:38,034 --> 00:34:40,952 - You old enough for this place? - I think so. 608 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:44,539 Hi, Earl, good to see you again. 609 00:34:44,707 --> 00:34:48,668 - Look at the new friend. - A little too young for you. 610 00:34:48,836 --> 00:34:51,463 I want to show you something very nice. 611 00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:54,424 - Oh, really? - It look wonderful. 612 00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:57,052 - I can confide you? - Sure. 613 00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:03,183 Look at the shape of that soldier ankle, the way it so elegantly curve into his boot. 614 00:35:03,643 --> 00:35:08,063 Help me get some photo of those ankle, I give you my bar. 615 00:35:08,231 --> 00:35:11,233 You're a very sick man. You know that, don't you? 616 00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:13,860 Thank you. 617 00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:16,404 Oh, God. 618 00:35:16,572 --> 00:35:21,952 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new voice of Saigon, 619 00:35:22,161 --> 00:35:26,123 Adrian Cronauer. 620 00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:27,332 Cronauer! 621 00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:29,292 Not enough for the car, yeah. 622 00:35:29,502 --> 00:35:31,670 - What happened? CRONAUER: It didn't work out. 623 00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:34,506 I wanna introduce you to someone right now from my English class. 624 00:35:34,674 --> 00:35:36,216 This is Tuan, the guys. 625 00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:37,676 - Hey, Tuan. - How you doing? 626 00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:39,177 - Guys, Tuan. - Have a seat, man. 627 00:35:39,345 --> 00:35:42,639 Pull up a floor here. Hi, Tuan, long time no see. 628 00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:46,935 - Terrible, that's terrible. - Those are gorgeous gals. 629 00:35:50,314 --> 00:35:51,773 I've... I'll never have them. 630 00:35:51,941 --> 00:35:54,776 I've wanted girls like that, but I've had trouble as a young child. 631 00:35:54,944 --> 00:35:57,863 Who the hell gets laid as a young child? And stop calling them gals. 632 00:35:58,072 --> 00:35:59,698 Cowgirls are called gals. 633 00:35:59,866 --> 00:36:02,742 Those are gorgeous French-Vietnamese B-girls. 634 00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:05,495 Don't ruin it by conjuring up images of Dale Evans, all right? 635 00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:07,956 Can you believe the shape of those gals? Girls. 636 00:36:11,127 --> 00:36:12,377 Shape of the blue. 637 00:36:12,545 --> 00:36:14,296 No, those behinds were designed 638 00:36:14,463 --> 00:36:17,048 by a Jewish scientist in Switzerland, Dr. Feintush. 639 00:36:17,216 --> 00:36:18,258 Dr. Heimlich Feintush. 640 00:36:18,426 --> 00:36:21,428 We're trying to meet them, but nobody can come up with any good lines. 641 00:36:21,596 --> 00:36:23,471 Wait a minute, try this one, try this one. 642 00:36:23,639 --> 00:36:26,850 Oh, girls, girls, come on over. Your loss. 643 00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:28,101 Pardon me, girls? 644 00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:30,562 Excuse me, girls. Hello, hello. 645 00:36:30,771 --> 00:36:32,564 Come on, yes. 646 00:36:33,065 --> 00:36:37,235 [SINGING] Here she comes, Miss Southeast Asia 647 00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:40,197 Say, we're not supposed to fraternise with these girls. 648 00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:41,448 It says so in the memo. 649 00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:43,617 No fraternising with these girls in the memo. 650 00:36:43,826 --> 00:36:46,620 Forget memos, forget memos. These are pretty women coming. 651 00:36:46,829 --> 00:36:48,371 CRONAUER [SINGING]: Here she comes 652 00:36:48,539 --> 00:36:51,041 KIRK: It's working. McPHERSON: Oh, yeah, this way, please. 653 00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:52,417 CRONAUER: Thank you. - Hey. 654 00:36:52,627 --> 00:36:55,295 - Hello, I'm William Holden. KIRK: Right here. 655 00:36:55,504 --> 00:36:57,505 This way, this way. 656 00:36:57,673 --> 00:36:59,758 CRONAUER: Merry Christmas. McPHERSON: Bingo. 657 00:36:59,926 --> 00:37:02,552 CRONAUER: Merry Christmas. If you believe in Santa... 658 00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:03,803 How come I don't get one? 659 00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:07,182 Dan Levitan. You've probably heard my radio show. 660 00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:08,934 WOMAN: Hi. LEVITAN: What's your name? 661 00:37:09,101 --> 00:37:11,061 LEVITAN: My name is Levitan. Can you say that? 662 00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:12,562 SERGEANT: Who brought in the gook? 663 00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:14,231 LEVITAN: Levitan. WOMAN: Levitan. 664 00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:17,817 I said, who brought in the fucking gook? 665 00:37:17,985 --> 00:37:19,110 WOMAN: Levitan. 666 00:37:21,155 --> 00:37:22,697 WOMAN: I love you. 667 00:37:22,865 --> 00:37:24,950 CRONAUER: A khaki eclipse. TUAN: I better go now. 668 00:37:25,117 --> 00:37:26,618 That's all right. I did. 669 00:37:26,786 --> 00:37:28,745 Hey, come on now, if you kick out the gooks, 670 00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:31,331 you have to kick out the Chinks, spics, spooks and kikes, 671 00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:34,501 and all that's gonna be left in here are a couple of brain-dead rednecks, 672 00:37:34,669 --> 00:37:36,044 and what fun would that be? 673 00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:37,879 Now is when I stop talking. 674 00:37:38,047 --> 00:37:40,340 Come on, let me buy you a couple of beers. How about it? 675 00:37:40,508 --> 00:37:41,633 - Are you crazy? - I might... 676 00:37:41,801 --> 00:37:42,842 - Shut up. - Okay. 677 00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:44,636 SERGEANT: Get him out of here. 678 00:37:44,845 --> 00:37:46,513 Hey, hey, hey. 679 00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:48,390 Hey, hey, hey, come on now. 680 00:37:48,599 --> 00:37:51,017 You gotta prove something, knocking around Vietnamese kids? 681 00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:53,728 This is a GI bar. We don't like gooks. We don't want him here. 682 00:37:53,896 --> 00:37:55,855 You just get him out. 683 00:37:56,023 --> 00:37:58,400 Everybody say "gook," but it's all right. 684 00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:01,111 - Jump in any time, okay? - We're there. 685 00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:03,280 I gotta tell you something, you know. 686 00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:07,117 I've been all around the world, seen a lot of places and a lot of people. 687 00:38:07,326 --> 00:38:10,578 I have never ever, in my travels, come across a man as large as you 688 00:38:11,872 --> 00:38:15,834 with as much muscles, who has absolutely no penis. 689 00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:19,045 He mean that as compliment. 690 00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:21,798 Oh, shit. 691 00:38:21,966 --> 00:38:24,592 That's it for you, asshole. 692 00:38:25,928 --> 00:38:27,137 Call police, quick. 693 00:38:29,223 --> 00:38:32,809 MAN 1: Hey, hey, man, hey! MAN 2: Get him. 694 00:38:35,938 --> 00:38:37,230 Talk. 695 00:38:37,398 --> 00:38:39,691 These two were physically abusing a Vietnamese national. 696 00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:42,319 - I thought since we were here to... - So you start a brawl. 697 00:38:42,486 --> 00:38:45,989 Turn the place upside down. Real intelligent solution. 698 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,283 Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look 699 00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:52,787 to have a man under my command start a fucking bar brawl? 700 00:39:02,048 --> 00:39:05,967 - You're not gonna last long here, pal. - You can always send me back to Crete. 701 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,095 Oh, you think this is a joke? 702 00:39:09,263 --> 00:39:11,264 I can come up with alternatives other than Crete. 703 00:39:11,432 --> 00:39:12,766 I'm real good at stuff like that. 704 00:39:12,933 --> 00:39:16,227 I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet. 705 00:39:16,395 --> 00:39:18,646 You don't think I can come up with something good? 706 00:39:18,814 --> 00:39:21,066 Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives? 707 00:39:21,233 --> 00:39:22,442 Not without slides. 708 00:39:22,985 --> 00:39:26,446 A bar brawl, that's one, Cronauer. 709 00:39:26,864 --> 00:39:30,700 You better stay cool. You better not get involved in anything. 710 00:39:30,868 --> 00:39:34,079 You better not even come within range of anything that happens, 711 00:39:34,246 --> 00:39:36,623 or your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower. 712 00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:39,501 - Am I being fairly clear? - Yes, sir. 713 00:39:39,668 --> 00:39:43,421 Sir? Do you see anything on this uniform indicating an officer? 714 00:39:43,589 --> 00:39:45,757 What does three up and three down mean to you, airman? 715 00:39:45,925 --> 00:39:47,842 End of an inning. 716 00:39:50,179 --> 00:39:51,554 Sergeant major. 717 00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:55,183 Now, you get the hell out of here right now. 718 00:40:03,567 --> 00:40:05,652 [DREIWITZ SCATTING REVEILLE] 719 00:40:07,196 --> 00:40:09,864 CRONAUER: Jesus, enough. 720 00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:12,200 Please, I'm... Bag it! 721 00:40:12,868 --> 00:40:15,745 Wake up, Mr. Sleepy Head. You are late. 722 00:40:30,177 --> 00:40:32,971 Gentlemen, what can I say but hi. 723 00:40:33,139 --> 00:40:35,557 - Hi. - Hi. 724 00:40:35,724 --> 00:40:38,977 Okay, which one of you guys is throwing his voice? 725 00:40:39,603 --> 00:40:41,438 Oh, censor, censor, censor. 726 00:40:41,647 --> 00:40:44,107 Join the Army and mark things. 727 00:40:44,608 --> 00:40:46,568 Hey, what kind of news are you leaving me there? 728 00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:49,779 "Nixon, Singapore, Lake Erie." Come on. 729 00:40:49,947 --> 00:40:51,656 Come on, you're on in like two seconds. 730 00:40:51,824 --> 00:40:54,492 It's time for Adrian Cronauer. 731 00:40:54,660 --> 00:40:58,830 [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. 732 00:40:58,998 --> 00:41:02,250 Hello, campers. Remember, Monday is malaria day. 733 00:41:02,418 --> 00:41:04,210 Time to take that big orange pill 734 00:41:04,378 --> 00:41:06,129 and get ready for the Ho Chi Minh two-step. 735 00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:34,491 We're back. Here's the news. 736 00:41:34,658 --> 00:41:36,826 All the news that's new and approved by the U.S. Army, 737 00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:38,703 the sweetest-smelling army in the world. 738 00:41:38,871 --> 00:41:40,830 [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] 739 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,958 "Great Britain recognised the island state of Singapore." 740 00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:45,418 How do you recognise an island? 741 00:41:45,586 --> 00:41:47,587 You go, "Hey, wait. No, don't tell me, wait, wait. 742 00:41:47,755 --> 00:41:50,715 Didn't we meet last year at the Feinman bar mitzvah? 743 00:41:50,883 --> 00:41:52,008 You look a lot like Hawaii. 744 00:41:52,176 --> 00:41:54,469 Didn't we meet last year at the Peninsula Club?" No. 745 00:41:54,678 --> 00:41:57,388 "Pope Paul VI celebrated a Mass in Italian." 746 00:41:57,556 --> 00:41:58,723 Call me crazy, he's in Rome. 747 00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:00,391 I wanna kiss his ring and have it go: 748 00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:01,601 [WHISTLES] 749 00:42:01,810 --> 00:42:04,562 "The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today." 750 00:42:04,730 --> 00:42:05,813 What is a protective dike? 751 00:42:05,981 --> 00:42:07,106 A woman by the river going, 752 00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:08,816 [IN DEEP VOICE] "Don't go near there"? 753 00:42:08,984 --> 00:42:11,319 Don't go near there. Get away from the river, stay away. 754 00:42:11,487 --> 00:42:14,155 [NORMAL] I know we can't use "dyke." You can't even say "lesbian." 755 00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:16,157 It's "women in comfortable shoes." Thank you. 756 00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:18,826 Here's the weather. We're gonna go to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt. 757 00:42:18,994 --> 00:42:20,078 Roosevelt, how's it going? 758 00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,872 [SOLDIER] I'm with somebody. Don't come bother me right now. 759 00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:24,582 [NORMAL] Can't you give us weather? 760 00:42:24,750 --> 00:42:26,918 [SOLDIER] Not now. I'm trying to score, back off. 761 00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:29,712 [NORMAL] What's the weather like? [SOLDIER] You got a window. 762 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,048 [NORMAL] We'll go to someone else for the weather. 763 00:42:32,216 --> 00:42:34,884 We have to go to Washington to Weather Central to Walter Cronkite. 764 00:42:35,052 --> 00:42:36,386 Walter, what's the weather like? 765 00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:39,597 [AS WALTER CRONKITE] I want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, 766 00:42:39,765 --> 00:42:42,725 what it is, what it shall be, what it was. 767 00:42:42,893 --> 00:42:45,061 Weather out there today is hot and shitty 768 00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:48,064 with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. 769 00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:50,441 Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy 770 00:42:50,609 --> 00:42:52,819 with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. 771 00:42:53,028 --> 00:42:56,573 CRONAUER: Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a waggon round up. 772 00:42:56,782 --> 00:42:59,158 [IN NORMAL VOICE] We're gonna hit some songs at you now. 773 00:42:59,326 --> 00:43:00,952 Coming your way. 774 00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:04,956 What the hell was that? Crappy weather, shitty weather? 775 00:43:05,165 --> 00:43:06,666 - Comedy, sir. - Comedy? 776 00:43:06,834 --> 00:43:09,460 No, no. This is not comedy. Comedy is fun. 777 00:43:09,628 --> 00:43:12,255 - It's antics, hysterical-type things. - Hysterical-type things? 778 00:43:12,423 --> 00:43:14,215 Airman Cronauer requesting you to elaborate. 779 00:43:14,383 --> 00:43:17,594 Antics, damn it. Comedy of errors, like the Keystone Kops falling down. 780 00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:20,597 - General wackiness like that. - Falling down, that's a sight gag. 781 00:43:20,764 --> 00:43:24,183 - How would anyone see you fall? - No, no, no. Not literally falling down. 782 00:43:24,351 --> 00:43:26,728 McPHERSON: Wouldn't work on radio, sir. - See, sir? 783 00:43:26,937 --> 00:43:30,815 What I mean is in the spirit of the Keystone Kops. 784 00:43:30,983 --> 00:43:32,483 Sir, it wouldn't work, I don't think. 785 00:43:32,651 --> 00:43:35,695 I don't think anybody would see you fall through a radio, sir. 786 00:43:35,863 --> 00:43:37,530 If a field radio... 787 00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:38,781 What are you doing here? 788 00:43:38,949 --> 00:43:41,993 - I thought I'd come and help smooth... - Don't help and don't smooth. 789 00:43:42,161 --> 00:43:43,620 And you. 790 00:43:43,787 --> 00:43:44,829 You are not funny. 791 00:43:44,997 --> 00:43:48,916 But you are a maniac, and you'd better start changing your life. 792 00:43:50,252 --> 00:43:51,878 CRONAUER: Sir? 793 00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:54,339 Thank you for that constructive criticism. 794 00:43:54,506 --> 00:43:57,216 It's a privilege to take comedy notes from a man of your stature. 795 00:43:59,136 --> 00:44:00,637 Fine. 796 00:44:01,388 --> 00:44:03,181 Just don't let it happen again. 797 00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:09,646 [SIGHS] 798 00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:12,649 I n the dictionary, under "asshole," it says, "See him." 799 00:44:12,858 --> 00:44:14,233 Why am I here? 800 00:44:14,401 --> 00:44:17,487 We're gonna play some music for you right now. Here we go. 801 00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:20,865 Here's a little James Brown coming your way. 802 00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:23,701 Baby, help me, please. 803 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:25,995 ["I GOT YOU (I FEEL GOOD)" PLAYING ON RADIO] 804 00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:45,014 [SCREAMS] 805 00:44:45,974 --> 00:44:47,850 [AS JAMES BROWN] Back again. 806 00:44:48,602 --> 00:44:50,061 [LAUGHS] 807 00:45:15,421 --> 00:45:17,964 Sugar and spice. Ha, ha. 808 00:45:18,132 --> 00:45:20,133 So nice, so good. 809 00:45:22,219 --> 00:45:24,303 [SCREAMS] 810 00:45:25,055 --> 00:45:27,306 Tell them, James. Hurt them now. Ha, ha. 811 00:45:27,474 --> 00:45:30,893 Good God, help me. Work through it. 812 00:45:39,528 --> 00:45:42,071 Oh, sir, Walter Cronkite lives in New Jersey. 813 00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:44,574 - It was a joke, sir. - Yes. 814 00:45:44,742 --> 00:45:46,868 - Sarcasm, sir. - Up in Bergen County. 815 00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:49,203 KIRK: A form of humour, sir. LEVITAN: Hackensack. 816 00:45:49,371 --> 00:45:51,789 KIRK: Yes, sir. LEVITAN: How the hell do I know? 817 00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:53,541 KIRK: We're happy with him too, sir. 818 00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,668 Yes, I'm sure that wasn't Walter Cronkite. 819 00:45:55,836 --> 00:45:58,379 KIRK: I will tell him, sir. - Didn't I speak to you before? 820 00:45:58,547 --> 00:45:59,839 Okay, sir, thank you. 821 00:46:01,884 --> 00:46:05,928 CRONAUER: Very good. All right, now. All right, let's recap now, okay. 822 00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:09,432 If someone is not telling the truth, you say that they are full of... 823 00:46:09,641 --> 00:46:12,393 STUDENTS [IN UNISON]: Shit. MAN: Shit. 824 00:46:12,561 --> 00:46:15,021 Okay, if someone is making you angrier and angrier, 825 00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:16,647 therefore, you have... 826 00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:20,151 STUDENTS [IN UNISON]: Pissed me off. MAN: Pissed me off. 827 00:46:20,694 --> 00:46:23,404 Okay, join the others if you can. All right, let's see. 828 00:46:23,572 --> 00:46:26,866 If you say that, hey, some people in a car, some gypsies, they cut you off. 829 00:46:27,034 --> 00:46:28,117 All of a sudden you... 830 00:46:28,285 --> 00:46:31,913 STUDENTS: Flip them the bird. - A bird. 831 00:46:36,627 --> 00:46:39,879 Very good. Okay, now we got a special situation right now. 832 00:46:40,047 --> 00:46:41,380 There's a Puerto Rican waitress. 833 00:46:41,548 --> 00:46:44,258 She comes over, brings you a red soup. She's got some tomato soup. 834 00:46:44,426 --> 00:46:47,011 Oh, she slips, she spills it on your brand-new gabardine pants 835 00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:48,888 that you paid more than a coloured TV for. 836 00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:51,140 You're a little angry, so you say to her... Minh? 837 00:46:51,683 --> 00:46:53,601 Uh, look what you did. 838 00:46:53,769 --> 00:46:56,854 And goddamn it and stupid and crap. 839 00:46:57,064 --> 00:46:59,273 That's stupid, you don't call someone crap. 840 00:46:59,441 --> 00:47:01,734 No, you step on crap. You don't call it to a person. 841 00:47:01,944 --> 00:47:05,863 - You can step on crap. I know you can. - Yes, but they can be full of shit, he said. 842 00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:08,574 No, no, you see, you step in shit, you can be full of crap. 843 00:47:08,784 --> 00:47:12,245 I'm pretty sure you can step on crap. I once saw it in a French movie. 844 00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:14,038 How can some person look like a shit? 845 00:47:14,206 --> 00:47:16,165 - It impossible. CRONAUER: Let's stop with that. 846 00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:18,626 We can stop with the debate on the great caca right now. 847 00:47:18,794 --> 00:47:21,587 Let's try a very special situation. Wilkie, something special, okay? 848 00:47:21,755 --> 00:47:24,173 You go into a restaurant, okay? A waitress comes up to you. 849 00:47:24,341 --> 00:47:25,967 You're wearing your best new suit. 850 00:47:26,134 --> 00:47:29,011 She comes up, she spills soup all over you, looks at you like, 851 00:47:29,179 --> 00:47:31,305 "I'm sorry. What're you gonna do about it, asshole?" 852 00:47:31,473 --> 00:47:33,432 What do you say to her? What would you say? 853 00:47:33,642 --> 00:47:37,228 They spilled something on your pants, what would you do? 854 00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:40,439 I do nothing. 855 00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:45,653 Come on, Wilkie, it's cursing class. 856 00:47:45,821 --> 00:47:47,738 You're getting pissed off. What would you do? 857 00:47:47,948 --> 00:47:49,907 I just remain reticent. 858 00:47:50,117 --> 00:47:53,160 Okay, she goes in the kitchen, she gets a knife, she starts stabbing you. 859 00:47:53,328 --> 00:47:55,246 She's stabbing you. She's putting forks in you. 860 00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:57,123 She's got spoons in your eyes, Will. 861 00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:00,126 They're starting to cut you with knives, putting spoons in your eyes. 862 00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:02,044 What would you do, Will? What would you do? 863 00:48:02,212 --> 00:48:04,714 I'm waiting to die. 864 00:48:08,093 --> 00:48:11,304 Mr. Cronauer, we like your lessons better than the book's. 865 00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:14,098 - Soon we play baseball? - When you teaching us softball? 866 00:48:14,266 --> 00:48:17,101 We have to have training. When I think you're ready, I'll try. 867 00:48:17,269 --> 00:48:20,313 - Where are you come from? - Queens. Bayside, Queens. 868 00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:23,149 - What are queens? - Tall, thin men who like show tunes. 869 00:48:23,650 --> 00:48:27,403 No? Big men with moustaches named Mary who wear mascara. 870 00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:30,239 [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] 871 00:48:33,076 --> 00:48:34,452 Yeah. 872 00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:36,078 [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] 873 00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,080 What is a lakai? 874 00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:43,586 Relax already, crazy American. 875 00:48:44,755 --> 00:48:47,006 I made a date with you and Trinh tomorrow. 876 00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:50,176 - You did? - Nearby the larch tree, near Viet Hoa. 877 00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:53,512 By the food and flower vendors where you burn your mouth on the noodles. 878 00:48:53,722 --> 00:48:55,348 - Where's that? - The noodles, remember? 879 00:48:55,515 --> 00:48:57,350 - When you burn your mouth. - Oh, gosh, yeah. 880 00:48:57,517 --> 00:49:00,019 But I warn you, you not like it when you get there. 881 00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:01,479 You say it ridiculous. 882 00:49:01,647 --> 00:49:04,398 Why? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 883 00:49:04,608 --> 00:49:07,318 Hi. 884 00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:11,864 Oh, God, this could be very ugly. Hi. 885 00:49:12,824 --> 00:49:14,867 Chaperons. 886 00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:20,122 I n Vietnam, family often come to meet someone, to meet someone. 887 00:49:20,290 --> 00:49:24,794 Hello, hey. Well, the gang's all here, huh? Ha, ha. 888 00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:27,338 Oh, God, help me. This is wonderful. 889 00:49:28,382 --> 00:49:32,051 Well, you know, you're very beautiful. 890 00:49:33,845 --> 00:49:35,638 And you're also very quiet. 891 00:49:35,806 --> 00:49:39,392 And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. 892 00:49:39,559 --> 00:49:42,812 I go out with girls who talk so much you can hook them up to a wind turbine 893 00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:45,189 and they could power a small New Hampshire town. 894 00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:48,901 You talk, I think, very much. 895 00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:52,405 Well, you see, I'm not used to going on a date with a grand jury, 896 00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:54,198 and it makes me a little nervous. 897 00:49:55,325 --> 00:49:58,202 I don't want makes you nervous, Cronauer. 898 00:49:58,370 --> 00:50:00,913 I know you very nice. 899 00:50:01,289 --> 00:50:08,254 And for trusting, you is the best of the gently of what you say 900 00:50:08,422 --> 00:50:12,842 of never to be for both the same and another. 901 00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:17,972 Well, I had you there, babe, but then you lost me at the end. 902 00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:25,229 Hey, hey. Hey, Uncle Phil. 903 00:50:25,439 --> 00:50:28,733 Here you go, there you go. Hey, got one? For you. 904 00:50:28,900 --> 00:50:32,445 Hey, there we go, for you. Here we go, for you all. 905 00:50:33,113 --> 00:50:34,989 Knock yourselves out. 906 00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:37,742 What's one-thirteenth of a dollar among friends? Come on. 907 00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:39,952 No problem. 908 00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:42,038 They're having a great... 909 00:50:46,585 --> 00:50:51,464 Hey, listen, I know there's no way. 910 00:50:53,258 --> 00:50:56,635 But it doesn't mean we can't have a few laughs. 911 00:50:57,179 --> 00:51:02,725 Hey, I'll take whatever you can give because I'm just happy to be with you. 912 00:51:02,893 --> 00:51:05,186 You want to see a movie or something? 913 00:51:06,772 --> 00:51:09,899 - We must to ask the people. - Hey, it's no problem. 914 00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:13,152 Attention, shoppers. People, people, settle. 915 00:51:14,154 --> 00:51:16,322 CRONAUER: "Under the Boardwalk," you know that one? 916 00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,366 "Shout" by the Isley Brothers, you know that? 917 00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:23,496 - You know any American songs at all? - "Puff the Magic Dragon." 918 00:51:23,663 --> 00:51:26,332 You know "Puff the Magic Dragon"? Will you sing it? 919 00:51:26,958 --> 00:51:31,712 [SINGING] Puff, the Magic Dragon Living by the tree 920 00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:33,172 That's wonderful. 921 00:51:33,340 --> 00:51:35,758 Hey, 12, please. Um... 922 00:51:36,343 --> 00:51:38,010 [BOTH SPEAK IN VIETNAMESE] 923 00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:41,347 [SINGING "BEACH BLANKET BINGO"] 924 00:52:02,577 --> 00:52:04,662 [DUBBED IN VIETNAMESE] 925 00:52:15,048 --> 00:52:17,133 [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] 926 00:52:19,636 --> 00:52:21,262 My thoughts exactly. 927 00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:40,906 Why can't I read this? It's what's going on here now. 928 00:52:41,074 --> 00:52:43,284 They'd never approve of that being released. 929 00:52:43,451 --> 00:52:46,036 That's censorship, Edward. That's not what America's all about. 930 00:52:46,204 --> 00:52:47,705 We're not in America, sir. 931 00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:50,875 Can we please not get into this right now? You're in the middle of a show. 932 00:52:51,042 --> 00:52:53,377 You could put amphetamine freaks to sleep with this shit. 933 00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:55,838 "Got an agreement on Guam." Sounds like bird droppings. 934 00:52:56,006 --> 00:52:57,089 Here's something exciting: 935 00:52:57,257 --> 00:52:59,592 "Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill." A children's story. 936 00:52:59,759 --> 00:53:01,760 - I'm reading this. - No, I can't let you do that. 937 00:53:01,928 --> 00:53:04,263 Edward, don't you ever do anything that's not by the book? 938 00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,098 Not when I get into trouble. No, I don't. 939 00:53:06,266 --> 00:53:09,643 Eddie, sometimes you got to go out of your way to get into trouble. 940 00:53:09,811 --> 00:53:12,563 It's called fun. What's that? Come on. 941 00:53:12,731 --> 00:53:15,816 Take some chances once in a while, Edward. That's what life's all about. 942 00:53:16,318 --> 00:53:19,737 - Find anything? - No, I'll have to make something up. 943 00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:22,323 Hey, we're back. 944 00:53:22,490 --> 00:53:25,284 That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest single: 945 00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:26,535 "Walkin' in the Wind." 946 00:53:26,703 --> 00:53:28,245 And now here are the headlines. 947 00:53:28,413 --> 00:53:29,872 [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] 948 00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:31,373 Here they come at you right now. 949 00:53:31,541 --> 00:53:33,834 Pope actually found to be Jewish, Liberace is Anastasia, 950 00:53:34,002 --> 00:53:35,502 and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. 951 00:53:36,171 --> 00:53:39,256 The East Germans today claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. 952 00:53:39,424 --> 00:53:42,301 Also, the pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. 953 00:53:42,469 --> 00:53:45,054 An incredible thing. Yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. 954 00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:46,639 That's right, Pope-on-a-Rope. 955 00:53:46,806 --> 00:53:49,099 Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you. 956 00:53:49,267 --> 00:53:51,393 Ethel Merman today uses a test to jam Russian radar. 957 00:53:51,561 --> 00:53:53,062 Here's a brief test of that jamming. 958 00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:56,649 [SINGING AS ETHEL MERMAN] Oh, I've got a feeling 959 00:53:56,816 --> 00:53:59,318 That love is here to stay 960 00:53:59,486 --> 00:54:01,153 When asked for a reply, the Russians went, 961 00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:03,197 [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "What the hell was that?" 962 00:54:03,406 --> 00:54:04,448 [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] 963 00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:06,116 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's a news flash: 964 00:54:06,284 --> 00:54:09,119 Today, President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. 965 00:54:09,287 --> 00:54:10,955 The bill basically said that his daughters 966 00:54:11,122 --> 00:54:13,040 could not drive in a convertible on highways. 967 00:54:13,250 --> 00:54:15,542 Hey, we got a great show coming your way today. 968 00:54:15,710 --> 00:54:17,628 Former Vice President Richard Nixon's in town. 969 00:54:17,796 --> 00:54:19,755 That's right, the big Dick is here. Get ready. 970 00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:21,840 I think there's an incredible coincidence here. 971 00:54:22,008 --> 00:54:25,135 I think he sounds exactly like Mister Ed. You be the judge. 972 00:54:25,303 --> 00:54:27,388 [AS NIXON] I tell you this. [NORMAL] Now, listen. 973 00:54:27,555 --> 00:54:29,181 [AS MISTER ED] Wilbur, come in the room. 974 00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:31,392 An incredible coincidence, some more songs. 975 00:54:31,559 --> 00:54:35,396 Moving on, moving on into the dawn with the dawn-busters, yeah. 976 00:54:35,605 --> 00:54:37,690 ["IT'S ALL RIGHT" PLAYING ON RADIO] 977 00:54:47,200 --> 00:54:49,326 The requests will be taken pretty soon. Requests? 978 00:54:49,494 --> 00:54:51,912 Where am I gonna take requests? Where can you call from? 979 00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:56,041 [SOLDIER] I'm in a phone booth out in the DMZ. I'm trying to call you right now. 980 00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:01,964 [IN VIETNAMESE ACCENT] Lock 'n' loll, baby. Lock 'n' loll. 981 00:55:17,147 --> 00:55:18,647 Vee. 982 00:55:21,651 --> 00:55:23,986 Again, we've got our friend from military intelligence. 983 00:55:24,195 --> 00:55:28,240 Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here? 984 00:55:28,408 --> 00:55:32,703 [SLOWLY] We found out that we can't find them. They're out there, 985 00:55:32,871 --> 00:55:37,624 and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy. 986 00:55:37,792 --> 00:55:40,252 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, what do you use to look for them? 987 00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:42,880 [SLOWLY] Well, we ask people, "Are you the enemy?" 988 00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:46,050 And whoever says yes, we shoot them. 989 00:55:50,513 --> 00:55:54,683 It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie. 990 00:55:54,851 --> 00:56:00,481 They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that. It's very difficult for me. 991 00:56:04,319 --> 00:56:06,945 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. Is it true that you've actually...? 992 00:56:07,113 --> 00:56:10,074 You're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing? 993 00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:11,909 [SLOWLY] Nerve gas? 994 00:56:12,077 --> 00:56:13,911 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes, have you used any? 995 00:56:14,079 --> 00:56:17,915 [SLOWLY] Well, once, yes, on myself. And it had no... 996 00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:19,333 [SCREAMS] 997 00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:20,918 - No effect on me. 998 00:56:21,086 --> 00:56:22,544 I've had no actual... 999 00:56:22,712 --> 00:56:25,381 [SCREAMS THEN SPEAKS GI BBERISH] 1000 00:56:25,548 --> 00:56:28,926 Whoa, big dogs. Big dogs landing on my face. 1001 00:56:29,094 --> 00:56:30,677 I don't know what that means. 1002 00:56:30,887 --> 00:56:34,973 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, that's it for me. That's the end of the Adrian Cron-Hour, 1003 00:56:35,141 --> 00:56:39,478 but I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Warmth, Dan "The Tan" Levitan. 1004 00:56:39,646 --> 00:56:42,398 Ha, ha. Thank you so much, Adrian. 1005 00:56:42,565 --> 00:56:46,193 Adrian Cronauer, Gls, a wacky and welcome addition... 1006 00:56:46,361 --> 00:56:48,112 Nixon's press conference. 1007 00:56:48,279 --> 00:56:51,115 Well, wait till you hear it. He's this far from sincerity. 1008 00:56:51,282 --> 00:56:53,117 Oh, no, man, listen. Let me just feed my face. 1009 00:56:53,284 --> 00:56:55,828 Just a moment, come on. 1010 00:56:58,832 --> 00:57:02,126 - Where do you imagine you're going? - Just gonna get a little something to eat. 1011 00:57:02,293 --> 00:57:03,377 You don't have time. 1012 00:57:03,545 --> 00:57:05,879 You'll stay here and drink instant beverage or something. 1013 00:57:06,047 --> 00:57:09,133 We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4 p.m. 1014 00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,468 I've been on the air for four hours. I'm hungry. 1015 00:57:11,678 --> 00:57:13,387 That's a joke, right? I get it. 1016 00:57:13,847 --> 00:57:16,640 No, I'm actually hungry. 1017 00:57:16,808 --> 00:57:19,393 Well, I'm actually giving you an order. 1018 00:57:23,356 --> 00:57:27,568 Oh, it's an order. I n that case, gentlemen, let's edit. 1019 00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,614 Thank you. Mm-mm. 1020 00:57:32,782 --> 00:57:34,616 Campbell's. 1021 00:57:34,826 --> 00:57:36,034 Aha! 1022 00:57:36,202 --> 00:57:39,913 Earl, oh, you again. No more fighting, okay? 1023 00:57:40,123 --> 00:57:42,624 Oh, you got it. James, nice, shiny green suit. 1024 00:57:42,792 --> 00:57:44,293 You look like an Oriental leprechaun. 1025 00:57:44,461 --> 00:57:50,591 You like it? I got it in Hong Kong, home of the shiny green suit. 1026 00:57:52,385 --> 00:57:54,595 NIXON [OVER RADIO]: There is no place for neutrality 1027 00:57:54,762 --> 00:57:56,763 or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam. 1028 00:57:56,931 --> 00:58:01,268 As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind... 1029 00:58:01,436 --> 00:58:02,478 Hey. That's Nixon. 1030 00:58:02,645 --> 00:58:05,105 NIXON [ON RADIO]: - Whether the Vietcong will be defeated, 1031 00:58:05,315 --> 00:58:07,900 NIXON [ON TAPE]: And that this war will be won. 1032 00:58:08,067 --> 00:58:10,194 Mission does involve... I think very appropriately. 1033 00:58:10,361 --> 00:58:11,945 - As you have suggested, give and take. 1034 00:58:12,113 --> 00:58:14,948 CRONAUER [ON TAPE]: Well, I didn't make that suggestion, sir. 1035 00:58:15,116 --> 00:58:18,494 NIXON [ON RADIO]: The United States has no right to give. 1036 00:58:18,661 --> 00:58:21,121 Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape? 1037 00:58:21,289 --> 00:58:22,414 I don't know, lieutenant. 1038 00:58:22,582 --> 00:58:24,124 NIXON: - Territory to the Communists. 1039 00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:26,710 CRONAUER: Thank you for that concise political commentary, 1040 00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:29,296 but I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal 1041 00:58:29,464 --> 00:58:30,672 for the men in the field. 1042 00:58:30,840 --> 00:58:32,758 How would you describe your testicles? 1043 00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:34,551 NIXON: They're soft, they're shallow 1044 00:58:34,719 --> 00:58:36,386 - and they have no purpose. - Oh, my God. 1045 00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:38,222 CRONAUER: What, sir? - Oh, my God. 1046 00:58:38,389 --> 00:58:40,390 NIXON: They lack the physical strength. 1047 00:58:40,558 --> 00:58:43,310 CRONAUER: How would you describe your sex life with your wife, Pat? 1048 00:58:43,478 --> 00:58:45,395 NIXON [ON RADIO]: It is unexciting sometimes. 1049 00:58:45,563 --> 00:58:47,356 CRONAUER: Have you considered a sex change? 1050 00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:48,690 There is an operation that... 1051 00:58:48,858 --> 00:58:50,859 Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this. 1052 00:58:51,027 --> 00:58:52,694 CRONAUER: - A very well-hung Chihuahua. 1053 00:58:52,904 --> 00:58:57,157 Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, it's rumoured that you smoked marijuana. 1054 00:58:57,325 --> 00:59:00,786 Are you planning, sir, to take some of the marijuana back to the United States? 1055 00:59:00,954 --> 00:59:02,037 How would you do that? 1056 00:59:02,205 --> 00:59:06,166 NIXON [ON TAPE]: By plane, by helicopter and also by automobile. 1057 00:59:06,334 --> 00:59:09,169 CRONAUER: I was wondering if you could do your Mister Ed, because... 1058 00:59:09,337 --> 00:59:12,798 Cut that thing off. I said cut it off. 1059 00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:14,383 GARLICK: Sir. 1060 00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:16,843 - Where is Cronauer? DREIWITZ: Still eating, sir. 1061 00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:19,388 I want to see him ASAP. 1062 00:59:20,056 --> 00:59:21,390 What, sir? 1063 00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:25,394 - As soon as possible. - VG, sir. 1064 00:59:25,562 --> 00:59:27,521 We interrupt to bring you an emergency selection 1065 00:59:27,689 --> 00:59:29,815 of the Benny Goodman Orchestra. 1066 00:59:30,024 --> 00:59:32,359 HAUK: We simply need to consider taking him off the air. 1067 00:59:32,527 --> 00:59:33,986 TAYLOR: Lieutenant, we get hundreds, 1068 00:59:34,153 --> 00:59:36,572 maybe thousands of calls and letters each week, fan mail. 1069 00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:40,993 He's the first man in the history of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail. 1070 00:59:41,578 --> 00:59:45,497 Every GI in this country is glued to his radio twice a day 1071 00:59:45,707 --> 00:59:49,293 at 0600 hours and 1600 hours to hear that lunatic. 1072 00:59:49,460 --> 00:59:52,754 Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. 1073 00:59:52,922 --> 00:59:56,633 He did a very off-colour parody of former VP Nixon. 1074 00:59:56,801 --> 00:59:58,135 I thought it was hilarious. 1075 00:59:58,344 --> 01:00:03,056 Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man. 1076 01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:06,310 Bullshit. I know Nixon personally. 1077 01:00:06,477 --> 01:00:09,938 He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilise the Sinai. 1078 01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:12,065 I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, 1079 01:00:12,233 --> 01:00:14,401 and I consider him a good, close personal friend. 1080 01:00:14,569 --> 01:00:17,237 Let's get down to business here, general. What is going on here? 1081 01:00:17,405 --> 01:00:19,197 We've got a mounting crisis in this country. 1082 01:00:19,365 --> 01:00:21,158 We've got a deejay that the men dearly love. 1083 01:00:21,326 --> 01:00:24,703 If you two have personal problems, solve them, will you? 1084 01:00:24,871 --> 01:00:32,461 Thank you, lieutenant. 1085 01:00:37,925 --> 01:00:39,217 Speak your piece, Dick. 1086 01:00:41,012 --> 01:00:42,679 Due respect, sir. 1087 01:00:42,847 --> 01:00:45,807 I have over 15 years command experience in this Army. 1088 01:00:45,975 --> 01:00:48,018 Do you really expect me to run this radio station 1089 01:00:48,186 --> 01:00:50,103 with nothing to say and no way to do it? 1090 01:00:50,313 --> 01:00:51,855 Right now, yes. 1091 01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:56,401 Yes, sir. 1092 01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,824 DICKERSON: This is not over yet. 1093 01:01:07,121 --> 01:01:08,205 Why you still here? 1094 01:01:08,373 --> 01:01:10,666 Sparky. Sitting back, having a cup of formaldehyde. 1095 01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:13,710 You say after you go out with Trinh, you meet me to talk about her. 1096 01:01:13,878 --> 01:01:16,254 - Nothing to discuss, she doesn't like me. - Yes, she do. 1097 01:01:16,422 --> 01:01:17,964 - No, she don't. - She do liking you. 1098 01:01:18,132 --> 01:01:20,258 She want to meet you today. She's not far from here. 1099 01:01:20,426 --> 01:01:23,261 - I can't, I gotta be back on the air... - You have to meet her today. 1100 01:01:23,429 --> 01:01:26,431 - Otherwise, you miss your big chance. - I don't wanna miss my big chance. 1101 01:01:26,599 --> 01:01:27,641 Yes, come, we go. 1102 01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:29,893 Sound like you learned English from Tonto. "We go." 1103 01:01:30,061 --> 01:01:32,229 TUAN: Come on. - Okay. 1104 01:01:33,731 --> 01:01:35,857 I still can't believe she really wants to see me. 1105 01:01:36,025 --> 01:01:37,109 Yeah. 1106 01:01:37,276 --> 01:01:39,820 I guess that beach movie really impressed her, huh? 1107 01:01:39,987 --> 01:01:42,322 I gotta get her something. 1108 01:01:42,990 --> 01:01:44,324 - What about bananas? - No. 1109 01:01:44,492 --> 01:01:48,036 No, that doesn't say the right thing. You're right. How about...? 1110 01:01:50,206 --> 01:01:52,749 [WOMAN SCREAMING] 1111 01:02:00,842 --> 01:02:03,510 MAN: Oh, my God! 1112 01:02:04,262 --> 01:02:06,138 [SIREN WAILING] 1113 01:02:09,559 --> 01:02:11,435 [WOMAN CRYING] 1114 01:02:14,814 --> 01:02:16,356 God! 1115 01:02:28,453 --> 01:02:29,786 [SOLDIER BLOWS WHISTLE] 1116 01:02:44,886 --> 01:02:47,137 DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Four-twenty-seven as far as... 1117 01:02:51,225 --> 01:02:54,269 Oh, my bar! Why? Who do that? 1118 01:03:02,570 --> 01:03:04,279 MP 1: Get back. 1119 01:03:05,948 --> 01:03:07,407 MP 2: Dead. 1120 01:03:08,951 --> 01:03:12,954 CRONAUER: You can't just leave them. - This boy's gone, soldier. 1121 01:03:20,880 --> 01:03:22,714 MAN: Let's go. MP 1: Come on, get back. 1122 01:03:23,341 --> 01:03:25,133 Get back. 1123 01:03:31,182 --> 01:03:33,892 DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Fire 4, there's a fire in the landing 1124 01:03:34,060 --> 01:03:35,811 on the outside of the building. 1125 01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:49,533 Hey, where's he going? 1126 01:03:53,996 --> 01:03:55,288 What do you think you're doing? 1127 01:03:55,456 --> 01:03:57,290 You're forbidden to read anything not checked. 1128 01:03:57,458 --> 01:03:59,626 - What? I was there. - Airman, you know the rules. 1129 01:03:59,794 --> 01:04:02,128 If this is legitimate, it must go through proper channels. 1130 01:04:02,296 --> 01:04:04,923 Listen, it's an actual event. Where do you think this came from? 1131 01:04:05,091 --> 01:04:07,592 I just wanna report the truth. It'd be a nice change of pace. 1132 01:04:07,760 --> 01:04:11,513 - What's going on here? - Sir, will you listen to me? 1133 01:04:15,059 --> 01:04:17,394 Not official news. Far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen. 1134 01:04:17,562 --> 01:04:19,187 - It did happen... - You shut your mouth. 1135 01:04:19,355 --> 01:04:21,815 What are you afraid of? People might find out there's a war? 1136 01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:23,483 This news is not official, airman. 1137 01:04:23,651 --> 01:04:26,695 You want everyone going under the assumption it's safe here. It's not. 1138 01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:28,822 The fighting's not in the hills. It's downtown... 1139 01:04:28,990 --> 01:04:32,450 I said it is none of your goddamn business. 1140 01:04:35,079 --> 01:04:36,663 I see your point. 1141 01:04:37,164 --> 01:04:38,665 I'm sorry. 1142 01:04:39,250 --> 01:04:42,919 I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners. I get a little dizzy. 1143 01:04:44,130 --> 01:04:46,131 Thanks for setting me straight. 1144 01:04:47,508 --> 01:04:49,092 It'll be okay. 1145 01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,428 DREIWITZ: - Coming up at the top of the hour. 1146 01:04:51,596 --> 01:04:53,471 That about wraps it up for me, Marty Lee, 1147 01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:55,599 filling in for my buddy, vacationing Eddie Kirk, 1148 01:04:55,766 --> 01:04:58,310 who, despite all your requests, will return tomorrow. 1149 01:04:58,477 --> 01:05:01,730 Right now, it's once again time for the King Kong of Saigon, 1150 01:05:01,898 --> 01:05:04,190 Adrian Cronauer. 1151 01:05:10,823 --> 01:05:16,328 [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. 1152 01:05:16,537 --> 01:05:18,955 Hey, I know it's not the morning, but that's my trademark 1153 01:05:19,123 --> 01:05:20,790 and "good evening" sounds too depressing. 1154 01:05:20,958 --> 01:05:22,626 Hey, we're going right now to the news. 1155 01:05:22,793 --> 01:05:24,878 [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] 1156 01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:30,133 From England, today, Princess Margaret threw a shoe. 1157 01:05:30,301 --> 01:05:31,384 Easy, Madge. 1158 01:05:31,552 --> 01:05:33,678 Also Elizab... Queen Elizabeth, Liz... 1159 01:05:33,846 --> 01:05:35,639 Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor. 1160 01:05:35,806 --> 01:05:40,143 She's still married after six months. Way to go, Liz, hey. 1161 01:05:42,355 --> 01:05:45,649 All right, in Saigon today, according to official sources, 1162 01:05:45,816 --> 01:05:47,567 nothing actually happened. 1163 01:05:47,735 --> 01:05:51,321 One thing that didn't officially happen was a bomb didn't explode at 1430 hours, 1164 01:05:51,489 --> 01:05:53,865 unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's Café. 1165 01:05:54,075 --> 01:05:57,160 - Get him out of there. - Three men were unofficially wounded. 1166 01:05:57,328 --> 01:06:01,122 And two men whose identities are still not known were unofficially dead. 1167 01:06:01,290 --> 01:06:03,625 - Break the goddamn door down. CRONAUER: Police, ambulance 1168 01:06:03,834 --> 01:06:06,503 and fire department responded at what's believed to be unofficial 1169 01:06:06,671 --> 01:06:07,963 at this present moment. 1170 01:06:08,714 --> 01:06:10,131 Turn the power off in that studio. 1171 01:06:10,299 --> 01:06:11,925 McPHERSON: It's... - Turn it off now. 1172 01:06:13,177 --> 01:06:15,428 I just wanted to think that you should... 1173 01:07:00,349 --> 01:07:02,183 DICKERSON: The man should be court-martialled. 1174 01:07:02,351 --> 01:07:05,603 You think this is the most serious set of affairs I have to address? It's not. 1175 01:07:05,771 --> 01:07:08,857 I can't believe you're gonna pass on this. The man is a goddamn subversive. 1176 01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:11,109 TAYLOR: He made a mistake. DICKERSON: Mistake, sir? 1177 01:07:11,277 --> 01:07:13,945 I don't wanna be around when he broadcasts U.S. Troop movements. 1178 01:07:14,113 --> 01:07:17,323 I run the station according to strict guidelines set by military intelligence. 1179 01:07:17,533 --> 01:07:20,243 Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms. 1180 01:07:20,453 --> 01:07:22,412 Sir, the man is a walking keg of dynamite. 1181 01:07:22,580 --> 01:07:24,581 I n the eight weeks he's been on the air, general, 1182 01:07:24,749 --> 01:07:26,583 he's disobeyed orders as to style and content. 1183 01:07:26,751 --> 01:07:29,753 He's read unofficial news. What's he gonna be like in six months? 1184 01:07:30,463 --> 01:07:33,089 What's he gonna be like when he's ten times as popular, general? 1185 01:07:33,257 --> 01:07:35,383 How easy is it gonna be to get him off the air then? 1186 01:07:35,551 --> 01:07:37,844 CRONAUER: Who will do the Cronauer show? 1187 01:07:38,429 --> 01:07:41,931 Well, Hauk can do it, sir, till I find a replacement. 1188 01:07:43,601 --> 01:07:45,310 Okay, for now, suspend him. 1189 01:07:45,519 --> 01:07:47,353 Sir, you've made the correct choice. 1190 01:07:47,563 --> 01:07:52,484 [AS ED SULLIVAN] Here she is, Diana Ross and the Suprawns. 1191 01:07:53,277 --> 01:07:55,862 [SINGING AS DIANA ROSS] Set me free Why don't you, babe? 1192 01:07:56,197 --> 01:07:58,323 Set me free Why don't you, babe? 1193 01:07:58,532 --> 01:08:02,577 You don't really need me You just keep me steaming on 1194 01:08:02,745 --> 01:08:05,330 [AS ED SULLIVAN] Let me introduce the members of the band. 1195 01:08:05,498 --> 01:08:07,415 Larry, Pisces. Thank you very much. 1196 01:08:07,625 --> 01:08:09,209 [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] 1197 01:08:09,376 --> 01:08:12,128 - What'd he say? TUAN: He say you drink too much already. 1198 01:08:12,296 --> 01:08:14,631 Well, tell him I drink so I can be this funny. 1199 01:08:14,799 --> 01:08:18,968 [BOTH SPEAK IN VIETNAMESE] 1200 01:08:19,303 --> 01:08:21,262 TUAN: It's not funny at all, he said. 1201 01:08:21,430 --> 01:08:23,932 Tell him, thanks. It's nice to bomb in another language. 1202 01:08:24,141 --> 01:08:27,602 You will sick if you drink some more. Come on. 1203 01:08:29,772 --> 01:08:33,066 My village not too far from here. You could come there for resting. 1204 01:08:33,234 --> 01:08:35,151 You could see how we live. 1205 01:08:35,319 --> 01:08:36,569 Listen, Sparky, 1206 01:08:36,737 --> 01:08:39,906 I don't think seeing your little production of Our Town is gonna cheer me up. 1207 01:08:40,074 --> 01:08:43,159 - You see Trinh there. - I'll drive. 1208 01:08:43,369 --> 01:08:45,370 Red leather, yellow leather, red leather. 1209 01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:47,872 Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather... 1210 01:08:48,040 --> 01:08:49,874 Sir, sir, reading the news is one thing, 1211 01:08:50,042 --> 01:08:52,585 but this stuff you wrote, it's not funny, sir. It's sad. 1212 01:08:53,045 --> 01:08:54,462 Sir, I'm begging you. 1213 01:08:54,630 --> 01:08:56,589 Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood. 1214 01:08:56,799 --> 01:08:58,758 I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it. 1215 01:08:58,926 --> 01:09:01,344 I've got pages and pages of great material. 1216 01:09:01,512 --> 01:09:03,096 Right, Abersold? 1217 01:09:03,264 --> 01:09:05,598 I'm afraid you're gonna be hitting bottom, sir. 1218 01:09:05,766 --> 01:09:08,643 If it isn't funny, then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it? 1219 01:09:08,853 --> 01:09:10,770 I was thinking of something else. 1220 01:09:11,355 --> 01:09:14,232 Thank you for your support. Now I've got a show to do. 1221 01:09:14,817 --> 01:09:18,403 - Sir, you're not funny. Ask around. - Ask me. 1222 01:09:18,571 --> 01:09:20,613 Sir, with all due respect, I think you're gonna... 1223 01:09:20,781 --> 01:09:22,407 You might lay an egg. I mean, a big egg. 1224 01:09:22,575 --> 01:09:24,576 I mean, I know funny, and I don't think you're it. 1225 01:09:24,743 --> 01:09:28,246 But, hey, such is life. Me, I'm not much with power tools. 1226 01:09:29,582 --> 01:09:31,916 Hey, that was the great exciting sound of Petula Clark. 1227 01:09:32,126 --> 01:09:35,420 - Beach Boys. Those were guys. - Of the Beach Boys. 1228 01:09:35,588 --> 01:09:37,714 Hey, that wraps it up for me, Marty Lee Dreiwitz. 1229 01:09:37,882 --> 01:09:39,632 Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment, 1230 01:09:39,800 --> 01:09:42,302 but, boy, do I have a surprise for you. 1231 01:09:42,511 --> 01:09:44,179 Don't build him up. You'll let them down. 1232 01:09:44,346 --> 01:09:47,223 DREIWITZ: Please welcome to the microphone, the lieutenant of laughs, 1233 01:09:47,433 --> 01:09:50,435 the officer of oral, the Westmoreland of wit, 1234 01:09:50,603 --> 01:09:53,271 swinging Steven Hauk. 1235 01:09:54,940 --> 01:09:58,067 Hello, Vietnam, and greetings. 1236 01:09:58,235 --> 01:10:01,070 Soon, the news. Then... 1237 01:10:01,238 --> 01:10:04,282 [IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT] Lieutenant Steve, Lieutenant Steve? 1238 01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:07,702 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Who's that? [AS FRENCHY] It's your old pal Frenchy. 1239 01:10:07,912 --> 01:10:09,662 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Frenchy, let me ask you, 1240 01:10:09,830 --> 01:10:11,039 do you like good food? 1241 01:10:11,207 --> 01:10:14,626 [AS FRENCHY] Oh, but of course, the French love good food. 1242 01:10:14,835 --> 01:10:18,296 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, then I guess that would make you an Eydie Gorme. 1243 01:10:18,464 --> 01:10:19,505 [BICYCLE HORN HONKS] 1244 01:10:19,715 --> 01:10:22,050 [AS FRENCHY] Oh, Lieutenant Steve. 1245 01:10:22,218 --> 01:10:24,135 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, Frenchy. 1246 01:10:24,303 --> 01:10:26,721 [AS FRENCHY] Oh, Lieutenant Steve. 1247 01:10:28,098 --> 01:10:31,226 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Frenchy... You know, I really shouldn't kid Frenchy, 1248 01:10:31,393 --> 01:10:32,810 because sometimes he Stan Getz... 1249 01:10:32,978 --> 01:10:34,020 [BICYCLE HORN HONKS] 1250 01:10:34,188 --> 01:10:35,730 - Mad at me, and he could Al Hirt me. 1251 01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:37,357 [BICYCLE HORN HONKS] 1252 01:10:37,524 --> 01:10:40,109 [AS FRENCHY] Lieutenant Steve, let's play some music. 1253 01:10:40,277 --> 01:10:42,820 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay, Frenchy, what would you like to hear? 1254 01:10:42,988 --> 01:10:46,491 [AS FRENCHY] Well, uh, I love a good polka as much as the next man. 1255 01:10:46,659 --> 01:10:48,493 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, a good polka it is 1256 01:10:48,661 --> 01:10:51,579 for my good friend Frenchy. 1257 01:10:51,747 --> 01:10:53,831 [POLKA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] 1258 01:10:59,129 --> 01:11:01,547 I think some apologies are in order. 1259 01:11:01,757 --> 01:11:03,758 [BLOWS WHISTLE] 1260 01:11:12,226 --> 01:11:15,228 You're not gonna continue this broadcast, are you, sir? 1261 01:11:56,186 --> 01:11:58,855 CRONAUER: What are they doing? - Oh, they're Buddhists. 1262 01:11:59,023 --> 01:12:02,191 They're sitting for peace, wisdom and knowledge. 1263 01:12:02,860 --> 01:12:05,153 They're waiting for enlightenment. 1264 01:12:15,122 --> 01:12:17,206 [OXEN MOO] 1265 01:12:22,004 --> 01:12:25,715 This man lose one son from blasting American mine. 1266 01:12:27,634 --> 01:12:30,553 His father and brother was killed by French long ago. 1267 01:12:30,721 --> 01:12:33,181 I think that's not fair to him. 1268 01:12:41,023 --> 01:12:42,899 [RELATIVES SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] 1269 01:13:13,639 --> 01:13:15,723 [BABY CRYING] 1270 01:13:31,949 --> 01:13:33,032 CRONAUER: Look. 1271 01:13:34,326 --> 01:13:36,661 It's cool, no big deal. Look. 1272 01:13:36,829 --> 01:13:40,206 [SINGING NONSENSE] 1273 01:13:50,884 --> 01:13:51,926 Look, up there. Pull. 1274 01:13:52,094 --> 01:13:53,136 [MIMICS GUNSHOT] 1275 01:13:53,303 --> 01:13:54,762 Pull. 1276 01:13:54,930 --> 01:13:57,014 [MIMICS ENGINE] 1277 01:14:14,575 --> 01:14:17,827 You not understand, you not. 1278 01:14:18,412 --> 01:14:22,582 We no future together, Cronauer. 1279 01:14:22,749 --> 01:14:26,711 My country maybe no future. 1280 01:14:29,465 --> 01:14:31,799 Hey, I like you. I just wanna be your friend, okay? 1281 01:14:32,342 --> 01:14:36,137 - I know it sounds dumb. - I not can do this, Cronauer. 1282 01:14:36,930 --> 01:14:40,099 No. No friend, Cronauer. 1283 01:14:41,560 --> 01:14:43,769 Not comfort for me. 1284 01:14:43,937 --> 01:14:51,194 My brother, okay, friends, but Vietnam ladies, not friends. 1285 01:14:53,155 --> 01:14:55,114 Please, okay? 1286 01:14:56,366 --> 01:14:58,534 - Not friends. - Of course. 1287 01:15:08,754 --> 01:15:10,463 Great week. 1288 01:15:42,120 --> 01:15:44,247 SERGEANT: Move out. Go. 1289 01:15:45,958 --> 01:15:49,669 Get off. Go, go, go. 1290 01:15:54,049 --> 01:15:56,759 That's about as good a polka as you'll ever hear. 1291 01:15:56,969 --> 01:16:01,055 No, I don't think that Cronauer is going to be back in the air, sir. 1292 01:16:01,265 --> 01:16:04,058 - You want Cronauer back on the air. - You want him back? 1293 01:16:04,226 --> 01:16:05,810 We want Cronauer... 1294 01:16:06,019 --> 01:16:07,979 We've gotten duffel bags filled with information 1295 01:16:08,146 --> 01:16:09,772 asking for Cronauer's reinstatement. 1296 01:16:09,940 --> 01:16:12,984 The men all hate Hauk. They want Cronauer back. 1297 01:16:13,151 --> 01:16:17,029 He's an exhilarating personality, and polkas are just no substitute. 1298 01:16:17,197 --> 01:16:19,198 I think that I see a pattern forming here. 1299 01:16:19,408 --> 01:16:20,866 Sir, these letters are unequivocal. 1300 01:16:21,034 --> 01:16:23,786 E.g., "Hey, Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck." 1301 01:16:23,954 --> 01:16:26,956 That's pretty much to the point, sir. Not much grey area in this one. 1302 01:16:27,165 --> 01:16:29,292 GARLICK: We got one call from some guy in Wichita 1303 01:16:29,459 --> 01:16:31,460 who thought Hauk was visionary and interesting. 1304 01:16:31,670 --> 01:16:35,965 The other 1, 100 calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick. 1305 01:16:36,133 --> 01:16:37,675 That's a direct quote, sir. 1306 01:16:37,843 --> 01:16:40,595 I've taken 90 calls this morning. They just don't like Hauk. 1307 01:16:40,804 --> 01:16:42,138 GARLICK: From a Marine in Da Nang: 1308 01:16:42,347 --> 01:16:45,933 "Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls." 1309 01:16:46,101 --> 01:16:50,146 I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me. 1310 01:16:50,355 --> 01:16:53,482 I think the troops are trying to tell us something, fellas. 1311 01:16:54,151 --> 01:16:57,069 HAUK: Sir, if it is my programming choices, I can change. 1312 01:16:57,237 --> 01:16:58,654 I've been broadcasting the polkas 1313 01:16:58,822 --> 01:17:00,698 because I thought a certain segment of the men 1314 01:17:00,866 --> 01:17:04,076 weren't represented by Cronauer's broadcasts of rock 'n' roll. 1315 01:17:04,244 --> 01:17:07,204 But I can easily play an occasional Gary Lewis record. 1316 01:17:07,414 --> 01:17:10,207 It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas. 1317 01:17:10,375 --> 01:17:14,420 Military politics. Nothing personal. The men like him better than they do you. 1318 01:17:14,630 --> 01:17:18,341 He maliciously and with purposeful intent read unofficial news. 1319 01:17:18,508 --> 01:17:23,179 No, no, no. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes. 1320 01:17:23,347 --> 01:17:25,973 Now, this thing is a delicate balance over here, 1321 01:17:26,141 --> 01:17:28,809 and I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey. 1322 01:17:28,977 --> 01:17:30,895 The men want him back. I want him back. 1323 01:17:31,355 --> 01:17:34,482 Sir, you heard from the men who don't like my humour, 1324 01:17:34,650 --> 01:17:36,609 but what about the silent masses who do? 1325 01:17:36,818 --> 01:17:40,821 And as far as polkas, they are a much maligned musical taste. 1326 01:17:40,989 --> 01:17:43,741 You don't know whether you're fucked, powder-burned or snake-bit. 1327 01:17:43,950 --> 01:17:47,244 I don't care about polkas. They're rioting in Hue. 1328 01:17:47,412 --> 01:17:49,997 We're bringing in thousands of troops every month. 1329 01:17:50,165 --> 01:17:52,416 Terrorism's on the uprise in Saigon. 1330 01:17:52,584 --> 01:17:55,378 The problems of this country have not one goddamned thing to do 1331 01:17:55,545 --> 01:17:57,880 with whether you play polkas or don't play polkas. 1332 01:17:58,048 --> 01:18:01,092 The men want him back. I want him back. 1333 01:18:01,259 --> 01:18:03,344 Reinstate the man. 1334 01:18:04,346 --> 01:18:08,808 Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny. 1335 01:18:10,060 --> 01:18:11,268 Thank you, lieutenant. 1336 01:18:21,363 --> 01:18:24,031 - There you are, sir. - Please, don't call me "sir." 1337 01:18:24,199 --> 01:18:26,575 It just came down the pike. You're back on the air, sir. 1338 01:18:26,743 --> 01:18:30,162 - I'm not going on. - What do you mean, you're not going on? 1339 01:18:30,372 --> 01:18:32,748 If you don't understand, you should take my English class. 1340 01:18:32,916 --> 01:18:34,125 I'm not going on. 1341 01:18:35,210 --> 01:18:38,629 You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed. 1342 01:18:40,340 --> 01:18:41,757 You'll be bored, you know. 1343 01:18:41,925 --> 01:18:43,884 - What are you gonna do? - I don't know. 1344 01:18:44,094 --> 01:18:47,680 I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil. 1345 01:18:47,848 --> 01:18:50,766 Or I may just stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records. 1346 01:18:50,934 --> 01:18:52,935 Try and find some hidden meaning. 1347 01:18:53,103 --> 01:18:56,063 Because, basically, I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius. 1348 01:18:57,065 --> 01:18:59,984 Genius? What are you saying to me? 1349 01:19:00,152 --> 01:19:01,318 I'm saying I'm through, Ed. 1350 01:19:01,486 --> 01:19:03,863 I'm tired of people telling me what I can't say. 1351 01:19:04,030 --> 01:19:07,199 "This news isn't official. That comment is too sarcastic." 1352 01:19:07,367 --> 01:19:08,993 I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon. 1353 01:19:09,161 --> 01:19:11,537 And there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of. 1354 01:19:11,705 --> 01:19:13,581 So fuck it. 1355 01:19:13,915 --> 01:19:15,458 Sorry. 1356 01:19:16,418 --> 01:19:18,794 - Is he all right? - No, Phil, he's not all right. 1357 01:19:18,962 --> 01:19:23,174 A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right. 1358 01:19:27,637 --> 01:19:29,722 - Sir. - Garlick. 1359 01:19:30,766 --> 01:19:34,393 I'd like you to collate these one-minute spots prior to broadcast. 1360 01:19:34,561 --> 01:19:37,104 You have a problem with that, young man? 1361 01:19:38,315 --> 01:19:40,232 Absolutely not. 1362 01:19:40,400 --> 01:19:43,068 - I live to collate, sir. - Good. 1363 01:19:44,237 --> 01:19:45,821 So do I. 1364 01:19:46,031 --> 01:19:48,574 [CRONAUER HUMS "GET A JOB"] 1365 01:19:48,784 --> 01:19:52,119 - Get a job. - Get a job, again. 1366 01:19:53,330 --> 01:19:56,123 "Get a job." Right. We got it, you're cooking now. 1367 01:19:56,291 --> 01:19:58,375 - Sir? - Edward. 1368 01:19:58,585 --> 01:20:00,669 GARLICK: I'd like an explanation. 1369 01:20:00,879 --> 01:20:04,799 - On anything in particular? - A lot of people went to the mat for you. 1370 01:20:04,966 --> 01:20:09,970 Thousands of guys wrote in, called in, trying to get you reinstated. 1371 01:20:10,138 --> 01:20:12,264 And I literally think that you owe it to all of them 1372 01:20:12,432 --> 01:20:14,767 to get your ass back on the air. 1373 01:20:15,268 --> 01:20:17,770 If you haven't noticed, the Army doesn't really want me, Ed. 1374 01:20:17,938 --> 01:20:20,356 Been harassing me since the day I got off the plane. 1375 01:20:20,732 --> 01:20:22,191 So what? 1376 01:20:22,359 --> 01:20:24,485 It's the guys in the field that matter, remember? 1377 01:20:24,653 --> 01:20:26,070 Those are the guys that are dying. 1378 01:20:26,279 --> 01:20:29,448 Edward, I tried to tell the truth and they kicked me off the air. 1379 01:20:29,616 --> 01:20:31,909 I screw up once more, Dickerson sends me into the field. 1380 01:20:32,077 --> 01:20:33,285 I come home in a box. 1381 01:20:33,495 --> 01:20:35,746 What you do is important to a lot of people. 1382 01:20:35,956 --> 01:20:38,874 Forget it, will you? Listen, I give up. 1383 01:20:39,084 --> 01:20:42,753 I'm gonna phone it in, okay? Enough bullshit. I'm out of here. See you. 1384 01:20:42,963 --> 01:20:45,047 - I'll buy you some lunch. - Can't let you do that. 1385 01:20:45,215 --> 01:20:46,674 CRONAUER: If I don't get to class, 1386 01:20:46,842 --> 01:20:49,176 there's gonna be Vietnamese speaking in choppy sentences. 1387 01:20:49,344 --> 01:20:52,429 - Look, we gotta talk now. - Not now, man, come on. 1388 01:20:52,597 --> 01:20:54,348 I can't believe you. 1389 01:20:54,516 --> 01:20:56,392 What? That's it? 1390 01:20:56,560 --> 01:20:59,562 You're gonna leave the fucking thing. Leave everything fucking hanging. 1391 01:20:59,729 --> 01:21:01,522 People are depending on you. 1392 01:21:01,690 --> 01:21:05,985 Edward, please. That's two nasty words in one year. 1393 01:21:06,152 --> 01:21:09,113 - Forgive me. - Hey. 1394 01:21:09,322 --> 01:21:12,408 CRONAUER: You wanna give me a ride, or am I gonna have to buy another bike? 1395 01:21:12,576 --> 01:21:13,659 You're pissing me off. 1396 01:21:25,714 --> 01:21:28,799 SOLDIER 1: What the hell's the holdup? SOLDIER 2: Check it out. 1397 01:21:34,097 --> 01:21:35,264 Garlick, will you cut it out? 1398 01:21:35,432 --> 01:21:37,892 You're beginning to sound like a priest in a '40s movie. 1399 01:21:38,059 --> 01:21:41,562 "We are not firing you. The boys are depending on you." 1400 01:21:49,195 --> 01:21:51,989 - Gentlemen. - What are you doing, Ed? 1401 01:21:52,532 --> 01:21:53,699 Hey, guys. 1402 01:21:53,909 --> 01:21:55,367 Guess who the hell I got in here. 1403 01:21:55,577 --> 01:21:57,244 - Don't do this. SOLDIER 3: Groucho Marx! 1404 01:21:57,412 --> 01:21:59,830 SOLDIER 4: Senator Dirksen! SOLDIER 5: Hey, Curly! 1405 01:22:00,040 --> 01:22:01,582 SOLDIER 6: Moe. GARLICK: Guess again. 1406 01:22:01,791 --> 01:22:03,375 Oh, bag it, bag it, Garlick. 1407 01:22:03,585 --> 01:22:07,588 The fellow I got in here is the gentleman, 1408 01:22:07,756 --> 01:22:11,425 - the one and the only king of the airwaves, - You're a dead man. 1409 01:22:11,593 --> 01:22:13,093 GARLICK: Adrian Cronauer. 1410 01:22:13,261 --> 01:22:16,096 SOLDIER 7: Peterson, get up here, man. I think we got Cronauer here. 1411 01:22:16,264 --> 01:22:20,017 Hey, Cronauer, say, "Good morning, Vietnam." 1412 01:22:20,644 --> 01:22:23,395 Oh, give me a break, man. It's too hot for radio shit, okay? 1413 01:22:23,605 --> 01:22:25,314 - Come on. - Come on. 1414 01:22:25,482 --> 01:22:27,399 How do we know it's Adrian Cronauer? 1415 01:22:27,567 --> 01:22:30,903 Okay, I'll give her the best shot. 1416 01:22:31,071 --> 01:22:35,908 [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. 1417 01:22:36,076 --> 01:22:37,701 SOLDIERS: Yeah! 1418 01:22:38,328 --> 01:22:39,578 All right. 1419 01:22:39,746 --> 01:22:40,913 - All right. - Cool. 1420 01:22:41,122 --> 01:22:42,164 Yeah. 1421 01:22:42,332 --> 01:22:43,707 - All right. - We love you, Cron. 1422 01:22:43,917 --> 01:22:46,335 - All right. - Yeah. 1423 01:22:46,503 --> 01:22:49,171 All right, this is Adrian Cronauer. I'm on at 6:00 and again at 4. 1424 01:22:49,339 --> 01:22:52,341 We'd like to welcome you to Vietnam, the country that is more stimulating 1425 01:22:52,509 --> 01:22:55,094 than a strong cup of cappuccino or an espresso enema. 1426 01:22:55,303 --> 01:22:56,470 That one's coming at you now. 1427 01:22:56,638 --> 01:22:59,556 First, our fashion report from Special Forces Sgt. Ernest Lee Sincere. 1428 01:22:59,766 --> 01:23:00,849 [EFFEMINATELY] Thank you. 1429 01:23:01,017 --> 01:23:04,186 I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle. 1430 01:23:04,354 --> 01:23:06,522 Why? Because it matches with the green, I don't... 1431 01:23:06,690 --> 01:23:09,233 The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me. 1432 01:23:09,401 --> 01:23:11,860 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's a news flash coming right now. 1433 01:23:12,028 --> 01:23:13,070 [MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE] 1434 01:23:13,238 --> 01:23:15,280 We can't afford the teletype. 1435 01:23:15,448 --> 01:23:17,533 Here it is, coming for you now. Quick news flash. 1436 01:23:17,742 --> 01:23:20,494 Former President Eisenhower, actually cartoon character Elmer Fudd. 1437 01:23:20,662 --> 01:23:21,704 He was quoted as saying, 1438 01:23:21,871 --> 01:23:24,707 [AS ELMER FUDD] "Thank you, America. It was fun being president." 1439 01:23:24,874 --> 01:23:27,084 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Gina Lollobrigida has been declared 1440 01:23:27,252 --> 01:23:28,794 the Italian national mountain range. 1441 01:23:28,962 --> 01:23:31,672 [AS GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA] Look out, I don't see the sun anymore. 1442 01:23:31,840 --> 01:23:33,716 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Let's play a little game. 1443 01:23:33,883 --> 01:23:35,759 Who can tell me who sang the song "My Guy"? 1444 01:23:35,927 --> 01:23:37,469 - Where you from? SOLDIER 8: Boston. 1445 01:23:37,637 --> 01:23:39,430 Boston. You know who sang the song "My Guy"? 1446 01:23:39,597 --> 01:23:42,599 SOLDIER 8: Yeah. Shit, I can't think of it. - Thank you for playing. 1447 01:23:42,767 --> 01:23:44,727 "Yeah, shit, I can't think of it." That's right. 1448 01:23:44,894 --> 01:23:47,438 You don't win the case of fish balls and lizard testicles. 1449 01:23:47,605 --> 01:23:50,733 Thank you for playing anyway. Here it is right now. What's your name? 1450 01:23:50,942 --> 01:23:52,359 Patrick O'Ma... O'Malley. 1451 01:23:52,569 --> 01:23:54,194 [IN IRISH ACCENT] Patrick O... O'Malley. 1452 01:23:54,362 --> 01:23:55,738 I don't know. I'm just so happy. 1453 01:23:55,905 --> 01:23:58,198 I'm O... O... O... O'Malley. He's good... Oh, he's good. 1454 01:23:58,366 --> 01:24:00,492 I mean, I don't know. It's the Irish boy. 1455 01:24:00,660 --> 01:24:03,746 I'm just so full of semen. I haven't gotten laid yet. 1456 01:24:03,913 --> 01:24:07,207 I'm certain that I'm a Catholic boy, and I don't know when I'll be getting laid. 1457 01:24:07,375 --> 01:24:08,625 I'm just going off to Vietnam. 1458 01:24:08,835 --> 01:24:11,003 - [NORMAL] Where you from? O'MALLEY: From the Village. 1459 01:24:11,171 --> 01:24:14,423 [EFFEMINATELY] Nice to have you here. Nice to have you here in Vietnam. 1460 01:24:14,591 --> 01:24:17,926 Obviously, you just said, "I'll join the Army, and be with people in green." 1461 01:24:18,094 --> 01:24:19,762 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Hi. What's your name? 1462 01:24:19,971 --> 01:24:21,430 - Jimmy Wilkes. CRONAUER: Wilkes. 1463 01:24:21,639 --> 01:24:23,140 - Where you from? WILKES: New York. 1464 01:24:23,308 --> 01:24:24,767 Oh, two boys joined together. 1465 01:24:24,934 --> 01:24:27,936 All of a sudden, "Well, I got drunk. All of a sudden, I went for a tattoo. 1466 01:24:28,104 --> 01:24:30,606 Next thing you know, I'm on a fucking truck. What happened?" 1467 01:24:30,774 --> 01:24:33,025 It's like, "Wow, baby. I don't know what's going down." 1468 01:24:33,193 --> 01:24:35,861 You're both from New York. Nice to have you, you like hanging out? 1469 01:24:36,029 --> 01:24:37,821 - Where you going to? - Nha Trang. 1470 01:24:38,031 --> 01:24:40,157 You gotta be careful, Jack. That's some heavy stuff. 1471 01:24:40,325 --> 01:24:42,493 That's like Newark after dark. You gotta watch out. 1472 01:24:42,660 --> 01:24:44,578 That's some heavy shit going down, baby. 1473 01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:46,914 You'll feel like George Wallace campaigning in Harlem: 1474 01:24:47,082 --> 01:24:49,625 [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] "Hi, have you seen my face?" 1475 01:24:49,793 --> 01:24:52,169 [IN NORMAL VOICE] What music do you like? Little Anthony? 1476 01:24:52,337 --> 01:24:53,587 SOLDIER 9: Yeah. SOLDIER 10: Stones. 1477 01:24:53,755 --> 01:24:56,632 SOLDIER 11: I like James Brown. - You like James Brown. Yes, sir. 1478 01:24:56,800 --> 01:24:58,592 [AS MICK JAGGER] Oh, you like Mick Jagger? 1479 01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:02,679 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Do you think he looks like a negative of Little Richard? 1480 01:25:02,847 --> 01:25:03,889 Really, and that hair. 1481 01:25:04,057 --> 01:25:05,307 [AS MICK JAGGER] All right. 1482 01:25:05,517 --> 01:25:07,518 Gentlemen, I don't know... Oh, my God, these lips. 1483 01:25:07,685 --> 01:25:10,395 My God, they're moving. I'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death. 1484 01:25:10,563 --> 01:25:13,023 Look out, I'm singing, everybody. I'm singing. 1485 01:25:13,191 --> 01:25:15,317 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, get out of here. Watch out. 1486 01:25:15,485 --> 01:25:18,070 - Where are you from? - I'm from, uh, Cleveland, man. 1487 01:25:18,279 --> 01:25:20,864 Cleveland? Vietnam's not that much of a change for you, then. 1488 01:25:21,032 --> 01:25:22,741 Aw, no. Ha-ha-ha. 1489 01:25:23,910 --> 01:25:26,411 You guys take care of yourself because you all look like, 1490 01:25:26,579 --> 01:25:28,747 "I don't know what's gonna happen, man. I don't know." 1491 01:25:28,915 --> 01:25:31,917 - What's this thing on your helmet? SOLDIER 12: Why don't you try it out? 1492 01:25:32,085 --> 01:25:34,586 Well, "Why don't you try it out." Look at this, look at that. 1493 01:25:34,754 --> 01:25:38,465 It says... What sizes you got? You got large, medium and Caucasian. 1494 01:25:38,633 --> 01:25:40,926 Look at this thing. A little Italian party favour there. 1495 01:25:41,094 --> 01:25:43,262 Oh, no, Bozo, boys and girls. 1496 01:25:43,429 --> 01:25:45,931 Look at this thing. This is going like, "Yeah, check it out." 1497 01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:48,892 Hold on, how big is this thing? Hold on, how big is this? 1498 01:25:49,102 --> 01:25:52,479 Black man's going, "It's just for the tip. That's all I need is the tip." 1499 01:25:52,647 --> 01:25:55,524 It's a bathing cap. I just like to put a bathing cap. 1500 01:25:55,733 --> 01:25:57,693 Remember, this is the Vietnamese word "Con Dum." 1501 01:25:57,861 --> 01:25:59,653 Look, Italian moon launch. 1502 01:25:59,821 --> 01:26:02,739 There. Whoa, jeez, it almost blew up in my face. 1503 01:26:03,491 --> 01:26:05,409 There's prophylactic everywhere, man. 1504 01:26:05,577 --> 01:26:08,662 It's not a pretty picture. There's pieces of rubber all over his face. 1505 01:26:08,830 --> 01:26:10,164 I don't know what to say. 1506 01:26:10,331 --> 01:26:11,957 You guys, be careful. What's your name? 1507 01:26:12,167 --> 01:26:14,209 - My name is Lewis Striker. CRONAUER: Striker. 1508 01:26:14,419 --> 01:26:15,961 - Thank you. SOLDIER 13: Sean Donum. 1509 01:26:16,129 --> 01:26:17,421 - Donum. SOLDIER 14: Jay Snyder. 1510 01:26:17,589 --> 01:26:20,591 Feels like the Mouseketeers show. Annette, Cubby, Roy. 1511 01:26:20,758 --> 01:26:22,843 Well, you guys, you take care of yourselves. 1512 01:26:23,011 --> 01:26:24,261 I won't forget you. 1513 01:26:24,846 --> 01:26:27,014 All right, guys, let's say goodbye to the radio star! 1514 01:26:27,182 --> 01:26:28,307 We're out of here. 1515 01:26:28,474 --> 01:26:30,517 SOLDIERS: All right! 1516 01:26:33,229 --> 01:26:35,355 Bye, bye-bye. 1517 01:26:36,816 --> 01:26:39,776 [SOLDIER'S YELLING INDISTINCTLY] 1518 01:26:51,122 --> 01:26:52,664 SOLDIER 15: We love you, man. 1519 01:26:54,000 --> 01:26:55,125 All right! 1520 01:27:02,133 --> 01:27:05,260 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1521 01:27:20,526 --> 01:27:23,654 [SOLDIERS CHEERING] 1522 01:27:50,598 --> 01:27:54,768 CRONAUER [YELLS ON RADIO]: Good morning, Vietnam. 1523 01:27:54,936 --> 01:27:58,146 Hey, it's another delightful day here in vacation land. 1524 01:27:58,314 --> 01:28:02,651 [AS GLINDA] Everybody, time to get up. Get up, wherever you are. 1525 01:28:02,819 --> 01:28:06,655 [IN NORMAL VOICE] That's right. Rise and shine, rise and shine. 1526 01:28:06,864 --> 01:28:09,032 Got some songs going out right now to a couple of guys 1527 01:28:09,200 --> 01:28:11,785 on the road to Nha Trang. You know what I'm talking about. 1528 01:28:11,953 --> 01:28:15,664 Hey, Mr. O'Malley, O'Malley. You know, the Irish Dolby twins. 1529 01:28:15,832 --> 01:28:16,957 They're out there. 1530 01:28:17,125 --> 01:28:20,210 Special song going out to you right now. 1531 01:28:21,129 --> 01:28:23,213 ["WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD" PLAYING ON RADIO] 1532 01:29:01,794 --> 01:29:03,587 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1533 01:30:27,505 --> 01:30:29,589 [SINGS "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"] 1534 01:30:31,884 --> 01:30:35,720 That was Louis B. Armstrong, the great Satchmo. 1535 01:30:39,016 --> 01:30:41,351 DICKERSON: Wanna interview some Gls in the field, sir, 1536 01:30:41,519 --> 01:30:43,854 and play those tapes on the radio? 1537 01:30:44,021 --> 01:30:45,814 God only knows what they'd say, sir. 1538 01:30:46,023 --> 01:30:49,317 It involves Cronauer, which makes me suspicious immediately. 1539 01:30:49,527 --> 01:30:53,363 An Loc. And Cronauer would definitely be going along? 1540 01:30:53,531 --> 01:30:55,449 Hold on a minute, sir. 1541 01:30:59,579 --> 01:31:02,330 G2, Corporal Tiser, sir. 1542 01:31:03,332 --> 01:31:05,083 One moment. 1543 01:31:06,127 --> 01:31:07,878 SOLDIER: Yes, sir. 1544 01:31:09,797 --> 01:31:12,591 Route 1 A, sir, is the only route to An Loc, sir. 1545 01:31:12,800 --> 01:31:15,677 - Does that road have a secure status? - No, sir, it does not. 1546 01:31:15,845 --> 01:31:19,473 - That road is Victor-Charlie, sir. - It is definitely not a friendly area. 1547 01:31:19,682 --> 01:31:21,391 Negative, sir. It is not. 1548 01:31:21,559 --> 01:31:25,187 It is hazardous and has been for about 48 hours. 1549 01:31:25,354 --> 01:31:27,814 Heavily fortified and considered very unsafe, sir. 1550 01:31:28,608 --> 01:31:30,066 Thank you. 1551 01:31:33,779 --> 01:31:37,908 Sir, I recommend we issue a 24-hour pass. 1552 01:31:54,842 --> 01:31:57,969 CRONAUER: So this is the country where they grow rattan love seats. 1553 01:31:58,429 --> 01:31:59,679 God, is it hot. 1554 01:32:00,264 --> 01:32:04,309 What a country. Heat, humidity, terrorism. 1555 01:32:04,477 --> 01:32:06,394 Still, it's better than New York in the summer. 1556 01:32:06,896 --> 01:32:09,856 Hey, fellas, how's the cough-drop business? 1557 01:32:17,949 --> 01:32:21,034 You know, we haven't passed too many checkpoints since Chon Thanh. 1558 01:32:21,244 --> 01:32:24,704 CRONAUER: Why do you make every town sound like a Mexican restaurant? 1559 01:32:25,289 --> 01:32:27,332 "Britain imposed an oil embargo on Rhodesia today 1560 01:32:27,500 --> 01:32:30,418 after that country's unilateral declaration of independence. 1561 01:32:30,586 --> 01:32:34,256 Gambia, Singapore and the Maldive Islands join the United Nations. 1562 01:32:35,299 --> 01:32:37,926 Seretse Khama becomes the first premier of Bechuanaland. 1563 01:32:38,135 --> 01:32:40,720 DREIWITZ [ON RADIO]: All-star rookie Pete Rose's three hits..." 1564 01:32:40,888 --> 01:32:42,681 CRONAUER: What do you think you'll do, Ed... 1565 01:32:42,848 --> 01:32:44,182 ...when you get out of the Army? 1566 01:32:44,350 --> 01:32:46,434 GARLICK: I learned enough about radio stations. 1567 01:32:46,602 --> 01:32:48,770 Maybe I can work in a station back home or something. 1568 01:32:48,938 --> 01:32:51,147 GARLICK: Give me your best shot. Lay something on me. 1569 01:32:51,315 --> 01:32:53,316 Give it a go, give it a go. 1570 01:32:53,484 --> 01:32:56,653 This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon. 1571 01:32:56,862 --> 01:32:59,447 Now funkify it. Give me some real funk. 1572 01:33:00,533 --> 01:33:03,743 - Give it to me, Edward. - This is Eddie Garlick, com... 1573 01:33:03,911 --> 01:33:06,997 Good morning, Vietnam. 1574 01:33:17,967 --> 01:33:22,929 You're listening to Eddie Kirk on AFRS. I have a big special... 1575 01:33:33,399 --> 01:33:35,483 [KIRK SPEAKING IN DISTINCTLY ON RADIO] 1576 01:33:36,235 --> 01:33:39,529 KIRK [ON RADIO]: "Shuffle Off to Buffalo," "The Sidewalks of New York." 1577 01:33:39,697 --> 01:33:42,032 "Chattanooga Choo Choo," "Meet Me In Chicago," 1578 01:33:42,199 --> 01:33:46,745 "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," of course, "Moonlight in Vermont," 1579 01:33:46,912 --> 01:33:49,414 and many, many more, but we need to hear your requests. 1580 01:33:49,582 --> 01:33:52,417 So send in your postcards to Eddie Kirk, right here. 1581 01:33:52,585 --> 01:33:54,461 [SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] 1582 01:33:54,629 --> 01:33:56,087 Hey. 1583 01:34:00,968 --> 01:34:04,387 You fine. How you are? 1584 01:34:04,555 --> 01:34:06,431 Take you home. 1585 01:34:07,266 --> 01:34:08,725 You come out. 1586 01:34:08,893 --> 01:34:10,060 No problem. 1587 01:34:10,269 --> 01:34:14,064 Take you home. Safe now from VC. 1588 01:34:27,703 --> 01:34:30,455 Hi, this is Marty Lee Dreiwitz at Cronauer Control Centre. 1589 01:34:30,623 --> 01:34:33,166 Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment 1590 01:34:33,334 --> 01:34:36,670 and I'll be filling in until he arrives, hopefully, sometime this morning. 1591 01:34:36,837 --> 01:34:39,130 Right now, let's play a song from Adrian's own playlist, 1592 01:34:39,298 --> 01:34:40,382 one of A.C.'s favourites. 1593 01:34:40,591 --> 01:34:42,676 ["BABY PLEASE DON'T GO" PLAYING ON RADIO] 1594 01:34:51,185 --> 01:34:54,229 It's going to be an exciting day of listening and learning, 1595 01:34:54,397 --> 01:34:57,691 so please, tune in. 1596 01:34:57,900 --> 01:35:02,112 "Sukiyaki," "Volare," "The Portuguese Washerwoman," 1597 01:35:02,279 --> 01:35:09,536 and "Third Man Theme" on the Kirk I nternational... 1598 01:35:10,079 --> 01:35:12,163 [SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] 1599 01:35:21,215 --> 01:35:22,882 [SENTRY SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE] 1600 01:35:27,513 --> 01:35:28,596 What's up? 1601 01:35:28,764 --> 01:35:30,890 I try to find Cronauer. He don't show up in class. 1602 01:35:31,058 --> 01:35:33,017 He didn't show up for work today either. 1603 01:35:33,185 --> 01:35:35,228 You know anything about this? 1604 01:35:35,604 --> 01:35:38,064 Listen, jerk off, we're here fighting for your country. 1605 01:35:38,232 --> 01:35:40,525 Now where do Cronauer go? 1606 01:35:40,693 --> 01:35:42,777 An Loc. His pass say An Loc. 1607 01:35:42,987 --> 01:35:46,030 An Loc? Shit. 1608 01:35:58,544 --> 01:36:00,336 CRONAUER: You okay? GARLICK: Yeah. 1609 01:36:00,504 --> 01:36:03,757 - Yeah. You okay? - No. 1610 01:36:05,968 --> 01:36:07,886 Come on, pal, we'll make it. 1611 01:36:08,053 --> 01:36:10,138 - Well, how about that? - Hold on. 1612 01:36:12,808 --> 01:36:17,061 - The VC, the fucking VC. - Tell me something I don't know, okay? 1613 01:36:31,952 --> 01:36:33,953 GARLICK: How far you think we've gone? 1614 01:36:34,121 --> 01:36:36,873 CRONAUER: Ten, 15 miles? 1615 01:36:37,041 --> 01:36:39,709 GARLICK: You think we've reached Cambodia yet? 1616 01:36:40,002 --> 01:36:42,796 CRONAUER: How can you fight a war in this shit? 1617 01:36:43,214 --> 01:36:45,590 I don't know where they are. I don't even know where am. 1618 01:36:45,758 --> 01:36:47,759 Can't see dick. 1619 01:36:47,927 --> 01:36:49,594 Like hunting with Ray Charles. 1620 01:36:54,767 --> 01:36:57,477 TUAN: It okay! You can come out now! 1621 01:36:58,229 --> 01:37:01,564 Didn't you hear? I cannot find you unless you talk to me. 1622 01:37:01,732 --> 01:37:03,399 It's too dangerous staying here. 1623 01:37:03,609 --> 01:37:05,819 You don't believe it's me? 1624 01:37:05,986 --> 01:37:07,362 Okay. 1625 01:37:07,530 --> 01:37:10,031 Flip them the bird. 1626 01:37:10,241 --> 01:37:11,658 Tuan? 1627 01:37:11,867 --> 01:37:13,618 Hey, there you are, Cronauer. 1628 01:37:14,161 --> 01:37:17,539 - How the hell you find us, Sparky? - Your jeep. 1629 01:37:19,375 --> 01:37:22,001 We're obviously not in Cambodia. 1630 01:37:22,795 --> 01:37:24,879 [ENGINE TURNING] 1631 01:37:25,339 --> 01:37:26,464 GARLICK: Try it again. 1632 01:37:26,632 --> 01:37:28,925 [ENGINE TURNING] 1633 01:37:29,218 --> 01:37:30,885 CRONAUER: Shit. GARLICK: One more time. 1634 01:37:31,053 --> 01:37:34,389 [ENGINE TURNING] 1635 01:37:35,057 --> 01:37:36,307 Goddamn it. 1636 01:37:36,475 --> 01:37:38,935 Our jeep gets blown off the road and his van won't start. 1637 01:37:39,103 --> 01:37:40,895 That's great. 1638 01:37:41,063 --> 01:37:42,814 You know why we ended up in the same place? 1639 01:37:42,982 --> 01:37:44,649 - Why? - Your limp pulled us to the right, 1640 01:37:44,817 --> 01:37:48,778 we're going in circles. Stick with me, I don't wanna go around again. 1641 01:37:51,407 --> 01:37:54,409 CRONAUER: We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto. 1642 01:37:57,204 --> 01:37:59,289 [HELICOPTER WHIRRING IN DISTANCE] 1643 01:37:59,790 --> 01:38:01,583 Listen. 1644 01:38:09,383 --> 01:38:10,550 Somewhere over there. 1645 01:38:13,971 --> 01:38:16,014 There it is, man, yo! 1646 01:38:18,559 --> 01:38:20,018 [CRONAUER YELLS] 1647 01:38:20,185 --> 01:38:21,269 Taxi! 1648 01:38:21,478 --> 01:38:25,273 Yo, GI! Hello, sailor, hello! 1649 01:38:26,692 --> 01:38:27,859 Hey! 1650 01:39:04,688 --> 01:39:06,272 LEVITAN: To avoid razor-burn problems, 1651 01:39:06,440 --> 01:39:09,776 always rinse you razor with cold water instead of hot. 1652 01:39:09,944 --> 01:39:13,112 You skin will look and feel a whole lot better. 1653 01:39:13,280 --> 01:39:15,657 That's it for Hygiene in the Heat. Tomorrow we'll... 1654 01:39:15,866 --> 01:39:17,158 DICKERSON: Welcome back. 1655 01:39:17,326 --> 01:39:19,077 Well, thank you, sergeant. I've missed you. 1656 01:39:19,244 --> 01:39:21,120 [CHUCKLES] 1657 01:39:22,039 --> 01:39:23,831 I'm informing you that you're out of here. 1658 01:39:23,999 --> 01:39:26,626 I want your bags packed and ready to go tomorrow afternoon. 1659 01:39:27,461 --> 01:39:29,921 You don't have the power. I'll take this to the authorities. 1660 01:39:30,130 --> 01:39:31,839 I am the authorities, you moron. 1661 01:39:35,844 --> 01:39:39,472 Oh, I got your pansy-ass in a sling now, Cronauer. 1662 01:39:39,640 --> 01:39:40,974 Who's Tuan? 1663 01:39:41,141 --> 01:39:43,101 The guys who flew you in radioed they picked up 1664 01:39:43,268 --> 01:39:45,144 a South Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick. 1665 01:39:45,312 --> 01:39:47,063 Who is this South Vietnamese boy? 1666 01:39:47,231 --> 01:39:49,816 He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life. 1667 01:39:49,984 --> 01:39:51,067 A friend? 1668 01:39:51,235 --> 01:39:52,610 Your friend is a VC terrorist. 1669 01:39:52,778 --> 01:39:53,820 [SCOFFS] 1670 01:39:53,988 --> 01:39:55,655 Yeah, and my mother is a werewolf, right? 1671 01:39:55,823 --> 01:39:58,116 Tuan is also known as Phan Duc Tho. 1672 01:39:58,283 --> 01:40:00,451 He's currently wanted by the South Vietnamese police 1673 01:40:00,619 --> 01:40:02,704 in connection with several bombings in the area, 1674 01:40:02,871 --> 01:40:05,665 including the one at Jimmy Wah's. 1675 01:40:05,833 --> 01:40:08,793 Surely, you're familiar with that incident. 1676 01:40:09,336 --> 01:40:11,504 Do you ever wonder how a young South Vietnamese boy 1677 01:40:11,672 --> 01:40:14,799 gets into and out of VC-held territory? 1678 01:40:14,967 --> 01:40:16,384 It's dangerous out there. 1679 01:40:16,552 --> 01:40:18,636 Things just jump out at you. 1680 01:40:18,804 --> 01:40:21,973 And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch. 1681 01:40:22,141 --> 01:40:23,433 And what about Jimmy Wah's? 1682 01:40:23,600 --> 01:40:25,435 Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out 1683 01:40:25,602 --> 01:40:28,104 just moments before the whole place blew up? 1684 01:40:28,272 --> 01:40:31,441 Or are you normally not that inquisitive? 1685 01:40:33,944 --> 01:40:36,404 Friends of Phan Duc Tho. 1686 01:40:36,572 --> 01:40:41,284 These three were executed shortly after this photo was taken. 1687 01:40:45,414 --> 01:40:47,373 Your friend is next. 1688 01:40:49,626 --> 01:40:51,878 I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one. 1689 01:40:52,046 --> 01:40:53,713 There's not too many high-ranking officers 1690 01:40:53,881 --> 01:40:57,008 who would be sympathetic to a serviceman with links to terrorists. 1691 01:40:57,176 --> 01:41:00,011 The Army is kind of quirky that way. 1692 01:41:00,179 --> 01:41:02,680 A conviction on a charge of treason against the United States 1693 01:41:02,848 --> 01:41:05,683 carries with it penalties on the stiff side, if you know what I mean. 1694 01:41:06,977 --> 01:41:09,395 I have arranged for an honourable discharge 1695 01:41:09,563 --> 01:41:11,773 provided you leave without incident. 1696 01:41:11,982 --> 01:41:15,193 - Ten-hut. - At ease. 1697 01:41:18,906 --> 01:41:20,740 Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing. 1698 01:41:20,908 --> 01:41:23,826 Goddamn it, I like you, son. I like what you do. 1699 01:41:23,994 --> 01:41:26,954 Most of all, I like what you've done for the men. 1700 01:41:27,164 --> 01:41:29,123 But facts are facts. 1701 01:41:30,250 --> 01:41:32,085 This could give the Army a black eye. 1702 01:41:32,252 --> 01:41:35,129 I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son. 1703 01:41:35,339 --> 01:41:39,133 Sir? What about the show? 1704 01:41:40,094 --> 01:41:41,969 TAYLOR: We'll handle it. 1705 01:41:42,888 --> 01:41:45,098 I'm sorry, son. 1706 01:41:49,394 --> 01:41:51,020 Why'd you do this? 1707 01:41:53,273 --> 01:41:57,151 I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humour. 1708 01:41:57,319 --> 01:41:59,904 I don't like what you say or how you say it. 1709 01:42:00,072 --> 01:42:01,697 From now on, the fighting men of Vietnam 1710 01:42:01,865 --> 01:42:03,825 will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear. 1711 01:42:03,992 --> 01:42:05,743 You're on a DC-8 from Tan Son Nhat Airport 1712 01:42:05,911 --> 01:42:07,537 tomorrow at 1830 hours. 1713 01:42:08,038 --> 01:42:10,790 I recommend you pack quietly. 1714 01:42:10,958 --> 01:42:13,709 That's all I have for you, airman. 1715 01:42:24,596 --> 01:42:26,389 You know, 1716 01:42:26,598 --> 01:42:30,268 you're in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in history. 1717 01:42:36,066 --> 01:42:38,276 Whoa, there, Dick, put the brakes on. 1718 01:42:38,443 --> 01:42:41,070 I wanted to wait until the airman left to talk with you. 1719 01:42:41,238 --> 01:42:43,573 Uh, Dick, I'm transferring you. 1720 01:42:43,949 --> 01:42:46,242 - Transferring me, sir? - Mm-hm. 1721 01:42:46,410 --> 01:42:48,244 Where to, sir? 1722 01:42:48,412 --> 01:42:49,579 You're going to Guam. 1723 01:42:49,746 --> 01:42:51,539 Guam, sir? There's nothing going on in Guam. 1724 01:42:51,707 --> 01:42:52,790 Why Guam? 1725 01:42:52,958 --> 01:42:56,878 Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times because I thought you was a little crazy, 1726 01:42:57,045 --> 01:42:59,922 but you're not crazy, you're mean. 1727 01:43:00,090 --> 01:43:01,632 And this is just radio. 1728 01:43:05,888 --> 01:43:07,972 [CHUCKLING SOFTLY] 1729 01:43:11,101 --> 01:43:14,729 "More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history." 1730 01:43:14,897 --> 01:43:16,981 That's funny. 1731 01:43:26,617 --> 01:43:27,950 WILKIE: Hey, teacher. 1732 01:43:28,118 --> 01:43:30,203 When are you gonna teach us to softball? 1733 01:43:30,370 --> 01:43:32,788 Listen, I gotta talk to you. Now. Come on. 1734 01:43:32,956 --> 01:43:34,957 - Mr. Cronauer, I must... - Oh, Minh, not now. 1735 01:43:35,125 --> 01:43:37,460 - You gotta tell me where your brother is. - I don't know. 1736 01:43:37,628 --> 01:43:40,838 Listen, his life is in danger. You gotta tell me where the hell he is. 1737 01:43:41,048 --> 01:43:42,465 - No, I don't know. - Bullshit! 1738 01:43:43,258 --> 01:43:46,302 Listen, no more games, okay? 1739 01:43:46,470 --> 01:43:48,054 The Army knows about your brother. 1740 01:43:48,222 --> 01:43:51,098 I have to leave the country because of my association with him. 1741 01:43:51,266 --> 01:43:54,769 They have pictures of him. If they find him, they will shoot him. 1742 01:43:54,937 --> 01:43:57,563 If you wanna continue to have a brother, you take me to him now! 1743 01:44:00,609 --> 01:44:02,693 [CAR HORN HONKS] 1744 01:45:03,588 --> 01:45:04,630 Tuan. 1745 01:45:04,798 --> 01:45:05,965 [BOY SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] 1746 01:45:10,387 --> 01:45:12,596 Phan Duc Tho! 1747 01:45:16,476 --> 01:45:18,311 Get back here! 1748 01:45:58,060 --> 01:45:59,727 [CROWS] 1749 01:46:19,539 --> 01:46:22,375 I know about the bombings, Sparky. 1750 01:46:23,043 --> 01:46:24,919 No wonder you hauled ass. 1751 01:46:32,427 --> 01:46:34,553 You were my friend. 1752 01:46:36,973 --> 01:46:39,100 I trusted you. 1753 01:46:42,729 --> 01:46:44,688 [YELLS] You hear me? 1754 01:46:45,607 --> 01:46:49,318 TUAN: You naive man, Cronauer. You take a stupid side. 1755 01:46:49,528 --> 01:46:52,488 Now you have to go. It's better off. 1756 01:46:52,697 --> 01:46:55,658 That's not the fucking point! 1757 01:46:56,493 --> 01:46:58,202 You understand me? 1758 01:46:58,954 --> 01:47:04,250 I fought to get you into that bar, and then you blow the fucking place up! 1759 01:47:05,168 --> 01:47:06,961 Listen. 1760 01:47:07,129 --> 01:47:11,090 I gave you my friendship and my trust 1761 01:47:11,258 --> 01:47:14,677 and now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy. 1762 01:47:14,845 --> 01:47:17,346 Enemy? What is enemy? 1763 01:47:18,765 --> 01:47:21,684 You killing my own people so many miles from your home. 1764 01:47:21,852 --> 01:47:24,562 We not the enemy. You the enemy. 1765 01:47:25,355 --> 01:47:29,525 You used me to kill two people. Two people died in that fucking bar. 1766 01:47:29,693 --> 01:47:31,944 Big fucking deal. 1767 01:47:32,487 --> 01:47:34,738 My mother is dead. 1768 01:47:35,157 --> 01:47:39,452 And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead. 1769 01:47:39,619 --> 01:47:41,871 Shot by American. 1770 01:47:42,873 --> 01:47:46,542 My neighbour, dead. His wife, dead. 1771 01:47:46,710 --> 01:47:48,461 Why? 1772 01:47:49,171 --> 01:47:51,505 Because we not human to them. 1773 01:47:51,673 --> 01:47:54,091 We only little Vietnamese. 1774 01:47:57,679 --> 01:48:01,056 And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Loc. 1775 01:48:08,398 --> 01:48:10,024 Wait... 1776 01:48:10,525 --> 01:48:13,027 We're here to help this country! 1777 01:48:13,195 --> 01:48:14,570 The fuck you going? 1778 01:48:23,955 --> 01:48:26,248 It's unbelievable. 1779 01:48:26,583 --> 01:48:32,421 Five months in Saigon, my best friend turns out to be a VC. 1780 01:48:33,089 --> 01:48:36,675 This will not look good on a résumé! 1781 01:48:51,233 --> 01:48:53,526 - You guys mind if I drive? - Be my guest. 1782 01:49:06,289 --> 01:49:07,748 [ENGINE GRINDS] 1783 01:49:09,042 --> 01:49:10,251 It's a simple rule. 1784 01:49:10,418 --> 01:49:13,546 If the engine's humming, it's already started. 1785 01:49:13,755 --> 01:49:16,382 Never fail you. You guys mind if we make an unscheduled stop? 1786 01:49:16,550 --> 01:49:17,800 I got something I gotta do. 1787 01:49:17,968 --> 01:49:20,302 MP: If you attempt to deviate from the planned schedule, 1788 01:49:20,470 --> 01:49:22,221 you're under arrest, Cronauer. 1789 01:49:23,348 --> 01:49:25,140 CRONAUER: Okay, everybody, let's play ball! 1790 01:49:25,350 --> 01:49:27,685 Go into conference. That point. That fence. 1791 01:49:27,852 --> 01:49:30,354 - Okay, here we go. MP: No batter. No batter. 1792 01:49:31,439 --> 01:49:33,607 Heading north. 1793 01:49:33,775 --> 01:49:36,527 Let's go whether it's a double or a daiquiri. 1794 01:49:37,571 --> 01:49:38,654 WOMAN: Come on. 1795 01:49:38,822 --> 01:49:41,448 CRONAUER: All right! Thank you. 1796 01:49:43,618 --> 01:49:46,620 A little conference here, Wilk. A little conference, time-out, everyone. 1797 01:49:46,788 --> 01:49:51,292 This, Cronauer, not a real baseball. It much smaller and harder than this one. 1798 01:49:52,127 --> 01:49:55,087 You got me there, Wilk, because... I'm sorry, we have no budget, you see. 1799 01:49:55,255 --> 01:49:58,048 And I gotta get on a plane and we have to do with what we can. 1800 01:49:58,258 --> 01:49:59,800 - Give me your hand. - Thank you. 1801 01:49:59,968 --> 01:50:01,468 - Thank you. - Thank you all the same. 1802 01:50:01,636 --> 01:50:03,387 Thank you all the same, and... 1803 01:50:03,555 --> 01:50:04,847 - You wanna take the ball? - No. 1804 01:50:05,557 --> 01:50:07,391 Okay, we gotta play, Wilk. You're pitching. 1805 01:50:07,892 --> 01:50:10,352 I want to turn in the ball to the original place. 1806 01:50:10,520 --> 01:50:12,021 Okay, let's take one more ball here. 1807 01:50:12,188 --> 01:50:14,231 - This one's a better one. - No. No. No need. 1808 01:50:14,816 --> 01:50:17,276 We haven't got a real baseball, Wilk. Bear with me, okay? 1809 01:50:17,444 --> 01:50:19,320 - We haven't got the money, pal. - Anyway. 1810 01:50:19,487 --> 01:50:22,323 - Okay, that one, okay? - I said that this a very good substitute. 1811 01:50:22,490 --> 01:50:24,658 Okay, let's just play with the substitute, then, okay? 1812 01:50:24,826 --> 01:50:26,076 - Okay. CRONAUER: Okay. 1813 01:50:26,244 --> 01:50:28,329 - That's a deal. - It's a deal? 1814 01:50:28,538 --> 01:50:31,206 Take the ball, will you? I'll give you money if you take the ball. 1815 01:50:31,374 --> 01:50:32,708 - No. I'm sorry. - No? 1816 01:50:32,876 --> 01:50:34,376 - Okay. - I'm... 1817 01:50:34,544 --> 01:50:37,546 Can we have...? Is there a psychiatrist here? 1818 01:50:38,423 --> 01:50:40,341 [CROWD APPLAUDING] 1819 01:50:42,052 --> 01:50:43,093 [CROWD CHEERS] 1820 01:50:46,931 --> 01:50:48,807 Yeah! Run, run, run! 1821 01:50:48,975 --> 01:50:50,434 MP: Okay. 1822 01:50:50,644 --> 01:50:52,770 He's not out till you have both halves of the ball. 1823 01:50:53,563 --> 01:50:55,189 Keep your eye on the fruit. 1824 01:50:55,398 --> 01:50:58,317 That's it, eye on the fruit, Minh. Eye on the fruit, on the fruit. 1825 01:50:58,485 --> 01:51:01,320 - Yeah, go, run, Minh! Run! - Come on, come on, give me the ball. 1826 01:51:01,529 --> 01:51:02,655 Minh! 1827 01:51:04,199 --> 01:51:05,824 Keep going! Keep going! 1828 01:51:06,034 --> 01:51:07,284 She's actually going home. 1829 01:51:11,915 --> 01:51:14,708 - That's it. We're having a good time. MAN: All right! 1830 01:51:20,924 --> 01:51:24,259 Wilk, Wilk. Look, you got a base, take it. 1831 01:51:47,409 --> 01:51:49,118 Yes! 1832 01:52:05,844 --> 01:52:07,720 CRONAUER: You all played a good game. 1833 01:52:08,888 --> 01:52:09,972 Yeah, me too. 1834 01:52:10,181 --> 01:52:11,515 Hey, hey. 1835 01:52:11,683 --> 01:52:18,188 When you look like Goliath so like you beware of some David. 1836 01:52:18,398 --> 01:52:20,482 [SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE] 1837 01:52:20,734 --> 01:52:22,776 MI NH: Thank you. 1838 01:52:24,362 --> 01:52:28,782 Oh, Mr. Cronauer, we say thank you for your fine teaching about softball. 1839 01:52:28,950 --> 01:52:31,034 And we learned a lot from you. 1840 01:52:31,202 --> 01:52:33,495 And we wish you good luck and success. 1841 01:52:33,663 --> 01:52:34,997 - Thank you, Wilkie. - Thank you. 1842 01:52:35,165 --> 01:52:37,750 - Thank you. - Thank you, thank you. 1843 01:52:45,967 --> 01:52:48,761 - Can you give me a minute? MP: Oh, okay. 1844 01:52:50,555 --> 01:52:54,141 Man, he's gonna say goodbye to the whole goddamn country now. 1845 01:53:03,234 --> 01:53:06,862 I want to say goodbye before you go. 1846 01:53:09,282 --> 01:53:14,745 To tell you, thank you for being so kind. 1847 01:53:15,789 --> 01:53:20,501 So many things not happen the way you want them. 1848 01:53:22,170 --> 01:53:27,758 You're so good person, and I could not with you. 1849 01:53:29,594 --> 01:53:31,386 We are so different. 1850 01:53:32,096 --> 01:53:34,848 I say tomato, you say cây tomat. 1851 01:53:56,663 --> 01:53:58,413 See you. 1852 01:54:05,129 --> 01:54:07,005 [ENGINE GRINDS] 1853 01:54:08,007 --> 01:54:09,758 Staggers the imagination. 1854 01:54:10,510 --> 01:54:13,720 - Makes me unique, doesn't it? - What a plus. 1855 01:54:14,639 --> 01:54:16,348 Flip them a bird! 1856 01:54:39,289 --> 01:54:41,540 SERGEANT: Left, right! 1857 01:54:58,391 --> 01:55:00,559 SOLDIERS: One, two, three, four. 1858 01:55:01,477 --> 01:55:03,395 Three, four. 1859 01:55:08,192 --> 01:55:10,652 SERGEANT: Left, left, left, right, left. 1860 01:55:10,820 --> 01:55:13,906 Left, left, left, right, left. 1861 01:55:17,285 --> 01:55:20,871 - Three, four. - The left, left, left, right, right, right. 1862 01:55:40,642 --> 01:55:42,684 It was a pleasure making your acquaintance, sir. 1863 01:55:42,852 --> 01:55:44,561 Thanks. 1864 01:55:44,729 --> 01:55:46,980 CRONAUER: Will you cut that out? We're the same rank. 1865 01:55:47,190 --> 01:55:49,149 What will I do without you, sir? 1866 01:55:49,317 --> 01:55:51,693 [IN BRITISH ACCENT] Well, you carry on, Montesque. 1867 01:55:51,903 --> 01:55:54,363 "Carry on, Montesque. Carry on." 1868 01:55:54,530 --> 01:55:58,158 I like that. Makes me feel, uh, British or something. 1869 01:55:58,368 --> 01:56:00,786 [IN NORMAL VOICE] I got something here for you. 1870 01:56:00,954 --> 01:56:02,204 I want you to play this. 1871 01:56:02,372 --> 01:56:04,164 It says goodbye to everybody staying behind. 1872 01:56:04,332 --> 01:56:07,668 GARLICK: I'll take care of it pronto, sir. - You could get in trouble for that. 1873 01:56:07,835 --> 01:56:09,252 Requisitioned for a name change. 1874 01:56:09,420 --> 01:56:11,546 "Trouble" is actually my new middle name. 1875 01:56:14,842 --> 01:56:17,678 I'm gonna give you the old chuck on the shoulder now. 1876 01:56:18,137 --> 01:56:20,681 It's a stupid thing to do, isn't it? 1877 01:56:21,599 --> 01:56:23,517 You take care. 1878 01:56:24,227 --> 01:56:25,727 All right? 1879 01:56:25,895 --> 01:56:27,229 Your fly is open. 1880 01:56:27,397 --> 01:56:28,730 Made you look. 1881 01:56:52,463 --> 01:56:56,049 [YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam. 1882 01:56:56,217 --> 01:57:01,471 This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon. 1883 01:57:01,639 --> 01:57:03,890 It's 1629 hours here in Saigon 1884 01:57:04,058 --> 01:57:06,101 and Airman Adrian Cronauer is going home today. 1885 01:57:06,269 --> 01:57:08,603 But he left a farewell message for all you guys out there 1886 01:57:08,771 --> 01:57:10,772 still sweating it out in the fields. 1887 01:57:10,940 --> 01:57:14,443 So without further ado, here's a farewell extravaganza. 1888 01:57:14,610 --> 01:57:18,655 CRONAUER [YELLS ON TAPE]: Goodbye, Vietnam. 1889 01:57:18,823 --> 01:57:22,784 That's right, I'm history. I'm out of here. I got the lucky ticket home, baby. 1890 01:57:22,952 --> 01:57:26,288 [CRONAUER SINGING "RAWHIDE" ON TAPE] 1891 01:57:26,456 --> 01:57:28,999 Yeah, that's right. The final Adrian Cronauer broadcast. 1892 01:57:29,167 --> 01:57:31,877 And this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon. 1893 01:57:32,045 --> 01:57:34,087 Remember, the people who brought you Korea. 1894 01:57:34,255 --> 01:57:35,422 That's right, the U.S. Army. 1895 01:57:35,590 --> 01:57:39,885 If it's being done correctly here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army. 1896 01:57:40,053 --> 01:57:41,261 [SLOWLY] I heard that. 1897 01:57:41,429 --> 01:57:43,638 [IN NORMAL VOICE] You're here, good to see you. 1898 01:57:43,806 --> 01:57:48,310 [SLOWLY] I'm here to make sure you don't say anything controversial. 1899 01:57:48,478 --> 01:57:50,562 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Speaking of things controversial, 1900 01:57:50,730 --> 01:57:53,356 is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in Vietnam? 1901 01:57:53,524 --> 01:57:57,277 [SLOWLY] No, it's not a problem. Everybody has it. 1902 01:57:57,445 --> 01:57:58,612 [EFFEMINATELY] I don't know. 1903 01:57:58,780 --> 01:58:00,113 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Leo, Leo. 1904 01:58:00,281 --> 01:58:02,491 [EFFEMINATELY] Adrian, take care of yourself. 1905 01:58:02,658 --> 01:58:04,659 I just want you to know one thing, 1906 01:58:04,827 --> 01:58:08,246 if you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes, don't forget pumps. 1907 01:58:08,414 --> 01:58:11,374 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. Thanks for these. Oh, these are special. 1908 01:58:11,542 --> 01:58:13,043 [EFFEMINATELY] They're ruby slippers. 1909 01:58:13,211 --> 01:58:15,587 Put these on and say, "There's no place like home. 1910 01:58:15,755 --> 01:58:18,882 There's no place like home," and you can be there. 1911 01:58:19,050 --> 01:58:22,260 [IN NORMAL VOICE] I hope. I hope we all could.