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[upbeat music plays]
♪ Doctor, my eyes have seen the years ♪
♪ And the slow parade of fears ♪
♪ Without crying ♪
♪ Now I want to understand ♪
♪ I have done all that I could ♪
♪ I've seen the evil and the good ♪
♪ Without hiding ♪
♪ You must help me if you can ♪
♪ Doctor, my eyes ♪
♪ Tell me what is wrong ♪
♪ Was I unwise ♪
♪ To leave them open for so long? ♪
♪ 'Cause I have wandered through this world ♪
♪ As each moment has unfurled ♪
♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ To awaken from these dreams ♪
♪ People go just where they will ♪
♪ I never noticed them until... ♪
Hey. You don't know me.
I don't know you.
Katie, voice-over: Twice in my life,
I've had to deliver bad news to someone I'd never met.
Hey...
The first time involved a cat
that ran out in the middle of my driver's test.
This time was a bit trickier.
Hey...
[rings doorbell]
Are you waiting for me to say something?
No.
I don't know where to start.
Well, why don't you start from the beginning?
OK. OK. Um...
[telephone rings]
[music playing loudly]
Hello.
What?
Grandma.
Turn that down!
Grandma, what's the matter?
Katie: My grandfather always told me--
never pick up the phone on the first ring.
What?
Katie: And now he was dead.
What? What happened?
I was the first one my grandmother called.
I waited until I could see straight
before I broke the news to my dad.
He's sort of a famous actor.
You may remember him as the Spiffy peanut butter kid.
My dad's the one with the spoon in his mouth.
What is it, Son?
Something is stuck to my tongue.
[laughter]
Must be weird to have your career peak at 8.
Hey, folks.
How many towels can I get for you today?
How many have you got?
Katie: Now he works mostly in obscure foreign films.
All right, but...
only if I can watch.
Man: Keep looking at them.
That's it. Oh, yeah. Get turned on.
He's removing her clothes. He's massaging her breasts.
Let me see that in your eyes.
You're surprised. Down go her pants. Ah!
Maybe you're gonna get caught.
They're not supposed to be doing that.
[ring] I'm sorry. That's me.
Hello. Don't answer that.
Look sexy.
Oh, hey, sweetie.
Smoky eyes...
I want to see envy. You want to be that guy.
What?
You want it.
He did?
That's it. Touch yourself.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'll call them. I'll call them.
Dearest Judge--
Excuse me?
My client...
Name?
Uh...Lace.
Miss Lace...
was engaged in a consensual servicing
of an entrapable member.
Are you an attorney?
Touché, Your Highness.
[cell phone ringing]
Talk to me.
Counselor.
What?
Whoa.
OK. Now put the eggs down
without breaking them and without using your hands.
Come on, guys. We're--
What's he doing?
Watch.
We don't have time for this, guys. All right?
No good can come of this.
Nice. Can we go now?
Do a shoulder stand.
Guys, come on. We've got this funeral.
Grandpa's not going anywhere.
Get in the car.
Get the bowl onto the table without spilling.
[crash]
Oh...
This is why your mother left us.
She was a hack.
I've seen better moms on TV.
I know.
I don't even know why we're going.
I mean, he was your dad.
Maybe he left you something.
Probably left it all to wifey.
Nana.
I know.
He picked the perfect time
for this one, didn't he? Huh?
Huh, Burt?
You know it's 2 weeks before his birthday,
the one day that was more important to him
than his goddamn job,
and now he's managed to fuck this up, too.
Sorry.
[sighs]
Nice work, Pop.
Is everybody coming?
Yeah. The asylum will be full.
I can't believe Grandpa's not gonna be there.
I know, sweetie.
[beep]
You're doing the right thing.
You're fully experiencing the loss.
And when you're ready, take a deep breath in...
[inhales deeply]
Like that.
Try to really maximize the feeling.
Feel it really intensely.
And then as you exhale...
[exhales]
Just try to let those feelings go, OK?
He just died.
Yeah...I know.
But believe me, it's the way
your grandfather would have wanted it.
To be dead?
Oh, where can she be?
Where's my little tubby turtle?
I'm not a turtle. I'm Katie.
Well, I'm looking for someone
to help me eat...
I will, Pom Pom.
A hot-fudge sundae.
You OK?
Come on. Let's go find your grandmother.
Don't see why you want to wait.
[door opens]
They have a right to know.
No. It's my decision now.
Fair enough.
Man: Hello? Mom?
You have an appointment with the parson tomorrow.
I don't think so.
Man: There she is.
Danny boy.
Hey, Lance.
Good to see you, Son.
Grandma.
Oh, baby.
Oh... you know what?
He loved you and your daddy
more than anybody else in the family.
I know that's not true, but thanks.
No. Really.
He couldn't even remember the names
of his other 2 children.
3 children.
Oh. Always thinking of others.
Hey, Mom.
Woman: Burt. Burt, did you grab...
I have to go.
Are you sure you're OK?
I feel as if I finally have a chance
to do something with my life.
Good.
Aah!
Alice. Glad to see you.
Lance. Katie, Katie, Katie.
Oh, Alice. What are we gonna do?
I think I'll just take my old room
and then...Danny.
Hey, Alice.
Oh, I was just waiting to see you on television, huh?
Well, you may not have to wait very long.
I actually--
Right. I'm just-- Mother...
God! I'm trying to get to the sorrow.
I really am, but I still feel so angry.
I mean, I want to just grab him and shake him
and say, "How dare you?
"How dare you go out that back door
"with your little suitcase?
I mean, where in God's name are you going this time?"
I'm OK, though. I'm OK. I'm sorry.
Oh! I've never heard you say that word.
Well, we don't have to make a talk show out of it, do we?
Burt!
Don't tarry. Don't tarry.
Hi, Burt. Hi, kids.
Hey, Burt.
We've had a very difficult trip.
So we should probably just consider
what everybody wants to eat,
and that way, we can just make one dish
that suits the group...
Katie, voice-over: Alice and her husband Burt
had managed to produce 3 silent children.
Alice: My tribe only eats bread and American cheese
in various forms, so I mean...
I could make this dish I think everybody might enjoy,
this little casserole that I like to make.
I'm sort of famous around my house for making it.
Have you said hello to your grandmother?
Let me take a look at you three.
Stop looking like she's gonna bite you.
She's not gonna bite you.
Stop it. Stop feigning those fake little twitches
that you're doing. We've talked...
Katie, voice-over: my grandmother always said
she wished Alice came with a mute button.
Alice: If you think it's any better
at any of your friends' house,
if you think it's any better at their house,
you can just pack your bags and move in with them.
[no audio]
[doorbell rings]
Ah, that's better.
All right, treat everybody
with respect, OK? Let's try not to be
the biggest freaks in the circus.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
He wants us to say, "No, thank you,"
instead of "Eat my ass jello."
hey, stop it. All right?
Stop it, for Christ's sakes.
Where do you guys learn that shit?
Mom... sorry about Dad.
Yeah...mmm...
You remember the boys.
How could I forget them?
Hey, G.
So, what did he leave us?
Your grandfather's will won't be read
until after the funeral.
Talk about being early.
Seriously, man.
God, dude. You always hit me first.
He pushed me.
Hey, Skipper.
Hey.
Alice: Oh, why do terrible things always come in threes?
I see Alice is already rifling through the drawers.
No. I'm looking for ingredients.
I'm going to make us all dinner tonight.
Hmm...
Hey, Uncle Skip.
Hey. Hi.
Hey, boys.
Hi, Katie.
Katie, voice-over: Uncle Skip and the twins
were a little heavy with hormones,
but they were at those ages.
I used to have an Aunt Lily, too,
but they scared her away.
Family legend says it was
the night before their eleventh birthday.
What the hell is that?
It's your birthday cake.
I was hoping it would be a surprise.
I'm more than surprised.
I'm shocked.
This isn't what we ordered.
You don't order your mother.
I spent 2 days making--
We ordered an erotic cheesecake.
Excuse me?
You're excused.
We'll fix it.
Oh, no. Oh, God.
[Lily crying]
Oh...what?
What?
They ruined it.
Well, it is their birthday, right?
Where did they even hear the term
"erotic cheesecake"?
Somebody's got to teach them these things, right?
What..."things"?
That you can make a cheesecake
look like disembodied breasts?
Or an ass.
[piano playing]
Katie, sweetheart, I want you
to eulogize your grandfather.
Oh, Grandma, I don't think I can make a speech.
I wouldn't know what to say.
If it were me, I would want you
to say something that made some...
sense out of my life,
something that honored me.
Hey, what about Dad?
Or Skip? Or Lucy?
Your grandfather wanted you.
And you boys are going to
have to help with the burial.
Your father left very specific instructions.
OK.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, ladies.
You remember Skip?
Yeah.
And these are his 2 boys...
Tim and Jim?
Close enough.
Hi, guys. I'm, uh...
Lucy's life partner, Judy.
Lesbians. Lesbians.
Alice: I really can't believe you brought her.
Hello, Alice.
No, it's just I thought you'd come alone. It's family.
Are you starting already?
Oh, no. It just... it didn't occur to me
to bring my sex toys. Did you bring any sex toys?
You wouldn't know a sex toy
if it left a battery in your vagina.
Oh. My vagina, as you were
so whimsically about to refer to it,
has served as sacred passage
for 3 anatomically correct children.
So...
Bad image. Erase, erase.
So, who needs a drink?
Let's drink.
Katie, voice-over: My family still observes
the cocktail hour... with a vengeance.
This isn't about you, so...
Are you talking to the sex toy?
I'm sure you're a very nice...lesbian.
Is that the preferred term?
No. No. We prefer "whore."
I think all women do these days.
Well...
I guess I owe you an apology.
Are you working up to it?
So...
What do you girls do?
What do you mean, "what do we do"?
For fun.
We eat out, go to the movies.
Oh, normal stuff.
Drinks.
Ladies.
Thank you.
What did you think we did?
No, I didn't have a...
I wasn't thinking of something,
and I just...I...
I don't know what you do.
Do you think we spend all night
triple-tonguing our cheese pots?
Ah...
It's my father's funeral,
so if you could muster up
just a little bit of respect, that would be...
Don't worry...you know. Don't worry about Alice.
You think she's gone, she comes back, you know...
like herpes.
Thanks, Skip.
So, how are you and Lucy doing?
Well, I mean...
This is just awful.
I know. I hate being around my family, too.
Oh.
Yeah. But, I mean...
How are you doing... you know...
physically?
Physically?
Well, yeah. I mean, like you said...what is it?
Triple-tonguing. What is that?
Is that a thing...
What are you doing?
Go talk to your mother.
You talk to her. She's a downer.
She's a widow.
She was a downer first.
Just go talk to your mother.
Excuse me.
OK.
Do you need a punch?
Do you want me to punch you?
You have real problems.
You don't do that. You don't throw
a lemon at me in front of a lesbian.
Nice going.
Danny: Me nice going? "The triple-tongue thing"?
Hi.
My dad died when I was 11.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
What size are you?
Me?
Come upstairs.
This is the dress I wore on the boardwalk
in 1956.
It's... it's so elegant.
It's yours. I wore it once.
It was a great night,
maybe the best night of my life.
It's a lucky dress.
I couldn't.
Oh, please.
Take them all.
I know we haven't spent that much time together,
but I already know I like you better
than I like Alice.
Ha ha!
And besides, Katie and Lucy aren't my size.
Thank you.
[indistinct conversation]
[stammers]
It's a little bit runnier than usual.
Think I just didn't put--move it.
Put enough cheese in it.
This looks like it fell out of a horse.
Thanks, but I already had my mucus course for the day.
Listen. You shut your spit cave,
you foul-mouthed little shit fucker
before I beat the living snot out of you.
I'm going down to Doc's to pick up some lobster,
if anyone wants in.
Yes, please. Good idea.
Yeah, it's a good idea.
Get some big ones with big meaty claws.
As a side dish, it's fine.
Well...
God, it's so good to get out of there.
Katie, it's good to see you.
Oh, Luce, I'm so sorry.
Yeah. Well, it's OK.
Nobody else in the family
seems to give a crap.
Yeah, I've noticed.
So, you coming?
Where?
To the wedding.
What wedding?
Isn't that what you're sorry for?
I'm sorry about Grandpa.
Oh, Katie, nobody blames you.
Two for dinner?
No. I called in an order for Collins.
Let me check on that for you.
What wedding?
Judy and I are getting married.
Really?
Vows and everything.
Congratulations.
I sent you an invitation.
No, you didn't.
It's OK. Everybody in the family
is pretending they didn't get it.
I didn't get one.
I distinctly remember weeding
the family invites out early. No.
I went to the...
I put them... wait.
I mailed them. I know it.
Ah!
I am such a bonehead!
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Oh! Well...
Here you go.
What are you doing down there?
It's Ryan.
Little Ryan from the be--aah!
What are you doing? He could hear you!
Hi.
Katie, voice-over: Little Ryan...
my childhood friend.
Since before I can remember,
we spent our summers together.
♪ Two fire-filled car mats ♪
♪ Never could heed that warning ♪
♪ Stay in the sky ♪
Katie, voice-over: He always acted like he had a crush on me,
and I always acted like I didn't notice.
It seemed like nothing could ever come between us...
until the last night of last summer.
♪ A peculiar ride ♪
♪ 'Cause this is our last chance ♪
♪ And to that big mistake ♪
♪ We are bound to make ♪
Katie, voice-over: His parents were off
camping somewhere with his little brother,
and everything was perfect--
the flicker of the candlelight,
the gentle dancing of the rain on the roof,
the familiar sound of a car door slamming.
[car door slams]
Katie. Katie. Katie!
Katie, voice-over: I never meant
for anything to happen between us.
I couldn't let there be any witnesses.
Woman: I could heat up some lasagna
if you boys are hungry.
Oh, hi...Katie.
Nice to see you again.
Let's hear it.
No.
Come on. Do it.
No.
One last time.
OK.
This one's for Dad.
Something is stuck to my tongue.
Oh! There it is.
Wow.
If I ever...
Single bullet.
To my left eye.
This is a good time.
How can this be a good time?
Your dad just died.
My family could use a little good news.
Trust me.
Hey, everyone, I have an announcement to make.
We sent out some invitations--
or at least, I thought we did--
and I was actually getting pretty angry at all of you.
I suspected some sort of--ah.
Anyway, myself and Judy--
"Judy and I."
Judy and I would like to--
[sniffles]
What is it, Fred?
It's Ted. Ha ha ha!
What are you laughing at?
I don't know.
But I can't wait to find out what
you 2 vaginiuses are up to.
What did you just say?
Nice vocab word.
What did he just call us?
Vaginiuses.
It's a compound compliment.
You see what I put up with?
How can you tell me not to scream my fucking head off?
You're losing it.
No! These are the people that you want at our wedding?
Oh, is one of you getting married?
We both are.
To who?
To each other.
Ha ha ha.
Awesome!
How many friends can we bring?
Alice: Ha ha ha.
Oh, this is so rich.
Katie: I think it's great.
Very great.
Congratulations, really.
So, where's the wedding happening?
In a dream?
No, Alice. In a town hall.
Oh. Look, I just think it's sad, all right?
Two women pretending to be married.
I pretended I was married for 12 years.
And I think that marriage is based
on commitment and communication
and not necessarily the presence of a penis.
Thank you.
Excuse me. My children are here, all right?
Watch your language.
What, are you worried they're gonna repeat it?
Burt, are you gonna stand for this?
Do you hear what's going on here?
[Burt laughing]
I...uh...
Burt. Burt. I mean...
At least Burt and me know
how we're supposed to fit together.
"Burt and I."
Is that what this is all about?
Is that what everyone in this fucked-up family
needs to know-- how we go together?
Well, we often start by gently kissing...
Oh, I am not doing this.
I said I am not doing this.
Fred: Aw, come back!
Aunt Lucy was really making her point.
So, Luce, since you're having people perform,
you know, fake ceremonies and stuff,
why don't you just have them
announce you queen or president?
Shut it.
Fred and Ted: All right!
OK.
Because, I mean, there are programs--
Shut your goddamn mouth!
Who just cast a spell on you!
Oh, here we go!
Make you less afraid of male genitalia.
Shut it!
Whoa! Whoa!
When did you get so much stronger than me?
Shut it.
Oh, I forgot. You're not.
Aah!
Table.
Wuss.
Oh, no.
Whoa!
[screaming]
[doorbell rings]
Guys!
All right. That's almost enough.
Danny: God.
I love this family.
And you didn't want to come.
Katie, voice-over: One thing about being
in such a theatrical family--
it's easy to lose track
of everything that's happening offstage.
Grandma.
[knocking]
Grandma, are you OK?
Grandma: I'm all right.
Katie: Open up the door.
Mom.
Clear. What?
Clear!
Ow!
Alice: What happened?
What did you do?
I just slipped, and I spilled all this stuff.
Somebody please get me a glass of water.
Get her some water.
I'm fine. Are you hurt?
Can you get up?
How did you fall down?
She slipped.
Thank you all so much.
Grandma, what are you doing?
Mom! I knew it!
[P.A. announcement]
Stop it.
Just stop it.
I am not doing anything.
Man: Collins.
I'm Dr. Rice. We pumped your mother's stomach.
Alice: It was an accident.
How did she accidentally chug
half a bottle of sleeping pills?
She was cleaning them up.
With her mouth?
We need to keep her for the night,
but she's going to be fine.
She recently lost her husband, and she slipped,
and I think she got confused with--
Lucy? Little Lucy Toothy, is that you?
It's been so long.
Samantha, hi.
Alice.
How are you?
Great. Just great.
When can we take her home?
Well, like I say, just overnight,
and then tomorrow we'll sign her out
and you can take her home.
Well, I think...
Could you keep her for another day,
just to be safe?
Oh, my God.
Bite me.
[telephone rings]
Skip.
Hey, Sis. Did they puke her?
All right, I'll spread it.
All right. Bye.
She unswallowed.
Oh, thank God. Poor Grandma.
Yeah.
She just wants to be the star of the funeral.
No, she doesn't.
Hey, Elvis killed himself because someone
was gonna write a book about his underwear wrestling.
What?
What are you doing?
Grandma asked me to speak at the funeral.
Huh. Nobody asked me to speak.
Do you want to?
Because I have no idea what to say.
Just say...
[sighs]
He was away so much,
it was weird to have him around.
[pouring cereal]
I just want to say something
beautiful and poetic.
Pop loved poetry.
He did?
Yeah.
All the ones about Nantucket.
I think his favorite was about
a little handicapped girl--
There once was a girl who was crippled
by the weight of her overgrown nipple.
Katie, voice-over: I needed to talk to someone
who saw Grandpa clearly.
♪ As I remember your eyes ♪
♪ Were bluer than robin's eggs ♪
♪ My poetry was lousy, you said ♪
[knock on door] Katie: Dad.
♪ Where are you calling from? ♪
♪ A booth on the midway ♪
Dad, are you in there?
[knocking on door]
♪ 10 years ago, I bought you some cufflinks ♪
♪ You brought me something... ♪
[turns down music]
Dad, the door is locked, and I need to talk.
Katie?
Dad?
Fuck!
Coming.
Dad.
Coming.
Fuck! Fuck!
Ah!
Dad.
Coming. Coming, sweetie.
Goddamn it!
Is that a joint?
Ah!
Dad?
Yes, boys?
So, uh...how's that book going?
It's hot.
Can we...help you with anything?
Maybe, uh... intern with you?
You can rub my feet if you want.
Mom has that appointment with the parson tomorrow.
Yeah. Well, don't worry,
because I'm gonna spring her.
She was trying to kill herself.
Yeah. It's pretty common.
In fact, after Scandinavians,
it's the over-70 crowd
that is the most suicidal.
Well, shouldn't we be doing something to help her?
No. Mm-mmm.
Because once people have their mind made up,
there's really very little
that you could do to stop them.
There's got to be something we can do.
Do you remember that game against Easton?
Oh, yeah. They were a very tough team.
No, but do you remember...
Naomi in the hotel with the oow-oow-oow?
Do you remember?
"Oh, look at how silly and normal I can act
when I'm not persecuting my sister."
[mock laughter]
So...
How often do you smoke?
You know...
Never in the morning.
Dad.
I know. That was really lame.
I just...
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
You're mourning.
Yeah.
What?
You're mourning.
Yeah. Yes. I think I am.
Yeah.
You'd think I'd be over it by now.
Well, Dad, it just happened.
No.
He's been dead for years.
What?
If I just would have gotten
that stupid toothpaste commercial.
That was the moment.
I swear to God.
What are we talking about?
I was the choice
for this toothpaste campaign.
I was the guy, and I just...
I could not say the line.
I literally... I couldn't say it.
"It's the breath freshiest."
I just...
OK. I can't believe I just said that.
I have never been able to say that before.
It's like a tongue twister for me.
"It's the breath freshiest."
Oh, my God!
Ha ha...
Fuck.
Um, Dad, are you OK?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. It's just...
I just feel sometimes
like I've spent my whole life
in this waiting room
at an audition, you know,
and they finally called my fucking name,
and I just...
And then somebody else stood up, you know,
and they got my role,
and they've been living my life,
and I'm just groping.
I've just been stumbling around
in the dark ever since then.
[sighs]
Your mom knew. Your mom knew.
She always said,
"We have to get out of acting, Daniel."
Mom was an actress?
No.
You just said, "we have to get out of acting."
No. I must have... misspelled something.
What?
You told me Mom was a social worker
who died of caring too much.
[stifling laughter]
I said she...
What did I say she did?
Ha ha ha.
Dad, did you lie to me?
No, no, no, no.
No?
No. No.
I probably was just... protecting you.
So, Mom was an actress?
Well...
Is there anything I could see her in?
No.
No?
No. Well...
Uh...
What kind of movies did Mom make, Dad?
Honestly, it's not that bad.
She never used her real name.
Katie: Do you have any...
Do you have any Cookie Tushala movies?
I'll check, but we're probably all out.
Is that Katie Collins?
Hi.
Hi, Katie. I haven't seen you
since you were at the house with...
You're in luck.
And this one's possibly her best,
just for its utter lack of story.
We heard about your grandfather.
Oh, yes. We didn't know him very well,
but we're very sorry.
Oh, thanks so much.
Yeah. That'll be $3.50.
Does Ryan know you're here?
Oh. Wait till he hears who we saw renting...
Vagina Town.
Ha ha. Thanks.
It's a classic.
Ha ha ha.
How would I know?
[doorbell jingles]
Katie, voice-over: All of my life,
I've wished I could see my mother.
Be careful what you wish for.
[gunshots]
[doorbell rings]
[western music playing]
Man on videotape: Howdy, ma'am.
Fred: Coming.
I just rode into town from a long ride on the trail.
We didn't see this town
on any of our trail maps, ma'am.
Ryan: Hey, dudes. I'm looking for Katie.
She's here somewhere.
Cousin Katie!
Woman on videotape: This here town
is unlike any other town.
Man on videotape: Yes, ma'am.
This is a very unusual town you have here.
Woman on videotape: I hope you boys
know how to ride bareback.
Holy Jesus! His penis!
Katie, voice-over: Most people don't even like
to think of their parents having sex with each other,
much less with multiple bad actors.
I had to do something.
Alice: Morning.
Katie: Morning.
Coffee?
No.
Other families have these sort of problems,
but they don't talk about them, all right?
I mean, I'm sorry. I live in the real world.
I work hard at raising a decent family.
Oh!
You don't see me prancing around in my pajamas all day,
starting up pillow fights with my topless girlfriend.
What are we talking about?
It won't work. Everyone knows
that the only gay relationships that last
are between people of the same height.
Did you and Lucy ever get along?
Well, I guess.
Well, when your grandfather was around, of course.
He kept the peace?
No, no, no.
He just kept us on eggshells.
He had us all so desperate for his approval.
Well, look at your father.
He made a career out of it.
Morning.
Morning, Danny.
Everybody sleep OK?
Never.
Danny: Hey, did we have a blackout last night?
That's what I heard.
We sure did. I couldn't even find my room--
What?
You found my room all right.
It was dark.
So you hid in my closet?
With your kids?
We were lost.
Hey, you guys, listen to this.
Tell me how it sounds.
"Grandpa made us aware that there is
a whole world of opportunity out there."
He did?
Who are we talking about?
Grandpa.
Tell her about the time
that Dad built us that swing.
That was Carl, the neighbor.
Alice: Mr. Grabby.
Mr. Grabby built the swing?
Mmm. Oh, he was so creepy.
He'd put his hand on your shoulder
and announce, "You're it."
Then he wouldn't run away.
He wouldn't even take his hand away.
Right.
Um...hi, you guys.
There was a lot of paperwork,
and I had to pull some strings
and sign a lot of names,
but she's back.
Grandma. There she is.
Hi, Mother.
Try it again, I'll kill you myself.
Alice.
Well, I have to get back to work, so...bye.
Thanks, Sam.
What happened, Grandma?
Nothing happened.
I was just a little confused.
About what?
I thought the vows we took were forever.
Katie: They were.
It's just that your forever
was longer than Grandpa's forever.
Hi, everybody.
Hi. Hey, Ryan.
How are you?
Good. Um...
I'm sorry about your grandfather.
Hey. You know...
He died. Ha ha.
Yeah. Um... you know, it's...
You can't, uh...
You want to, like, go for a walk or...
So...
Still driving a taxi?
Yeah. Yep.
To save up money for college.
Are you mad at me?
No.
Really?
Really. I mean it.
You're a great kid.
Um...thanks, Coach.
No, I just... I just think that...
What happened last summer was--
What?
What happened?
At your house.
Oh, you don't mean...
that time when you attacked me
at the movie theater,
and then you came over to my place
and took all your clothes off
and then ran out without saying good-bye.
Is that what you're talking about?
Katie.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Salmon.
Salmon who?
Salmonella.
What are you doing?
Science experiment.
How many eggs does it take
to make them say something?
Speak, young cousins.
Burt, you see what's going on here?
Burt.
Oh. Uh...
Uh...
Ha ha ha.
Uh...
[egg cracks]
What has Alice done to all of you?
Now, this is my favorite.
Cherry, inlaid olive,
and real brass fittings.
At just $32,000,
it's quite a steal.
Just $32,000?
How much does it cost
to stick him in a garbage bag?
Mother!
What does he care?
Mom, it's just unbelievably disrespectful.
This isn't even going in the ground.
What?
What do you mean?
Danny: Dad wanted us to float him out
in a flaming boat.
I'm not sure that's legal.
Great.
Well, my kids are not staying for that.
Why doesn't he want to be buried?
I don't want to be buried.
No. This is not about you.
I hate bugs.
Yeah, I have to admit, I don't exactly get
the whole cemetery thing myself.
A cemetery is like
an old-age home for the dead,
a place where you can visit your loved ones
without the bother
of daily care and maintenance.
Daily care?
Oh, you'd be surprised.
[door opens]
Ah, Parson Banke.
Sad business. Sad business.
This is the surviving Collins family.
I'm Alice Collins.
Hi. I'm Daniel.
Daniel. Hi.
Hi.
They're mourning the loss of their beloved Edmund.
Ah. Ah.
I didn't know Edmund
as well as I should have.
Perhaps if we had ever met...
Katie.
Katie. Katie.
Katie, Katie, Katie, I'm sorry.
I don't want anything that may
or may not have happened between us
to affect our friendship.
You mean that?
Yeah. I don't have any friends like you.
So we'll be friends?
Yeah. Always were. Right?
Thank you.
Well, I don't know why everything
has to be such a production with this family.
We didn't need to buy one.
The basement's loaded with boxes.
You don't bring your own, Mom.
But we did buy one. We bought a box.
So it's over.
It looked more like a shipping crate, but...
Your father would have wanted a bag.
[dialing]
Look, could we just try to act normal
for the next 2 days?
Would that be possible?
Does that include you,
or are you just telling everybody else what to do?
Look, don't cast me in the role
of crazed control freak, all right?
Then stop auditioning for it.
I just wanted to put
my dead father in a nice box.
You want to put everyone in a box--
the ineffectual mother box,
the struggling actor box.
People put themselves in boxes.
I just label them.
Like the rebellious teenage lesbian box
that you're still stuck in at 35.
Stop it. Stop it!
Ladies.
Don't start your shit with me!
Don't tell me what not to say!
Aah! Something is stuck to my tongue!
Try not to worry so much.
Everything is gonna work out for you kids.
And always remember to brush before bed.
[screaming]
Uh, guys...
[P.A. announcements]
So, that was really lucky.
You guys were right there, hmm?
Yeah. Um...
It was lucky.
Um, you guys.
Sam.
Is she gonna be all right?
Um, she's...she's gonna be fine.
She snapped a few bones,
mostly shoulder and face,
a couple of ribs.
They slapped her in a halfie.
Oh, well, that's good, right?
Can we see her?
Not until she hardens,
and even then, it might not be a great idea.
She might want to be left alone,
because usually people are kind of embarrassed
after an accident like that.
It wasn't an accident.
Well, it is what it is.
So, why don't you guys go home,
and then I'll give you an update
when I get off of work.
Did she say anything before she jumped?
"Brush your teeth."
Oral hygiene freak.
Lucy: Shh!
I heard something.
Malice.
Yeah, what ever happened to Alice?
Yeah. Who dumped her in the bitch tank?
[laughter]
She wasn't like this when we were kids.
Judy: Wait a second. We're talking about Alice here?
Yeah. Alice was fun and mischievous.
We're talking about your sister Alice?
Yeah.
We had a dress code in high school.
We had to wear skirts, blouses, little vests.
And Alice talked a bunch of girls, maybe 20,
into protesting it, so they come to school,
and they're wearing jeans and hot pants,
and the headmaster lost it.
He suspended them, so the next week...
Next week?
What's next week?
Sweetie...
[laughter]
You were telling a story.
Yeah, you were telling a story--
Alice and the dress code.
Oh, God. We had a dress code in high school.
We had to wear these little uniforms--
No, no. We got this part.
With the...with blouses and things like this.
And Alice talked a bunch of girls, maybe 20--
Fast-forward.
And they come to school
wearing hot pants and jeans.
And so the next week,
they come to the school wearing the uniform,
but they had crewcuts.
[both laughing]
You weave quite a yarn.
No. She was my hero. I'll have some.
You've had quite enough, my darling.
I don't know if your grandparents ever told you,
but I used to go up there and hang out
when you weren't around,
till your grandfather hit me with a rock.
Yeah. You coming?
He said he thought I was a crow.
I was not his favorite person.
What am I gonna say about him?
What would you want people to say about you?
What could you say about me?
What would I say about you?
When I die... I want to be cremated.
Oh, me, too.
Yeah, me, too.
I want you to take my ashes,
and I want you to mix them with the ink
that the government uses to print money.
[laughter]
Yes. And then I'll be everywhere.
[laughter]
Mom said that Dad
wants us to put him in his little rowboat.
I'm not kidding.
And light it on fire
and launch him out to sea.
Ha ha ha.
Good thing he didn't want us to eat him.
You know what I would say if he was here?
I would say, "Hey, Dad.
"Hey, Dad, you have another kid.
"You have another kid.
Remember me? Remember the Skipper?"
[deep voice] "Oh, no. No.
"That's my boy. That's my Danny boy.
He's my boy, my Danny boy."
Well, what about me? Look what I can do.
Look what I stuck to my face, Dad. Huh?
Can I be your boy? Can I be your boy?
I'm right in front of you!"
This is good shit.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's drizzling.
It's nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, Sam, thanks.
Thanks for helping us so much.
Oh, anything for you, Alice.
Oh, that's nice. All right.
Do you want to hear something really pretty?
A song. I've been listening to it.
Yeah. OK.
On the way here.
I still think this treehouse
needs a second story.
That was one of our better ideas.
Who knew... that wood paneling
wouldn't make a solid floor?
You know.
Everybody.
Yeah, exactly.
And they kept telling us.
Yeah.
We had a dream.
We did.
Ha ha ha.
I still dream about you.
[light rain falling]
[thunder]
[music playing on radio]
Hey, what ever happened to that guy
that you were going with in college?
Um...oh, nothing.
Mmm.
Hey, Alice.
You remember when your father
walked in on us in the basement?
Were we doing this?
Kind of.
Were we doing this?
Um...sort of.
♪ Come running to me ♪
♪ When things get out of hand ♪
[thunder rumbling]
♪ Run into me ♪
♪ When it's more than you can stand ♪
♪ I said I'm strong ♪
What are you guys doing there?
Just looking.
He's fogging up my window.
Stop.
What is that?
Ryan: We've got to go inside. Come on.
Be careful.
What are you guys looking at?
That's Samantha's car.
I love you guys.
Oh!
Aah!
[shouting]
[alarm clock buzzing]
[buzzing stops]
Good morning.
I...
You...ha ha ha.
OK. Um...
Is Alice up?
Are you leaving?
Yes.
OK.
Morning.
Where is she?
I don't know.
She didn't leave with Samantha?
Morning.
Where's, uh...
We don't know.
Well, did she leave--
Skip: No, she didn't.
I saw her get out of the car,
and I saw her go towards the woods.
And then she just became a...
tiny...screaming...
Katie: I'm sorry.
There are only 2 hours before the funeral,
and I really need some help here.
Skip: Are you dressing up for this?
Hey, hey, hey, you guys.
Could one of you please tell me
one nice thing I can say about your dead father?
He often called me Andrea for no reason.
I was Barry.
Wait a minute. What about...
Remember Thanksgiving,
and that crazy lady broke in the house?
Yes, that woman with the red hair.
Yep, yep, and remember.
She took the leg off a turkey
and started banging it on the table
and screaming something about Easter?
That's...Easter. That's right.
You remember how cool Dad was?
He leapt over the table, swept her off her feet,
and carried her out the front door.
"He protected us."
What else?
Why don't you...
read a passage
from Death of a Salesman?
Ha.
I don't know any.
I do.
Put up your hands. Goddamn you!
Put up your hands. Ha.
What do you think you are, better than everybody else?
You don't know everything!
You don't know, you big ignorant, stupid...
Put...put up your goddamn hands!
Put up your hands. Attention must be paid.
[doorbell rings]
You ratted on us!
You ratted on us.
Skip: Shut up!
Hi, Katie.
Ryan. How's your leg?
It's...you know...
broken.
I'm sorry.
It's OK. Uh, here.
What's this?
The answer to your question.
Could we go inside and talk
before you read that?
It's kind of... crazy in there.
Could we maybe meet tomorrow
before I go back to school or something?
You don't want me to...
come to the funeral?
[sighs]
I'm gonna go.
Danny: Katie.
Katie.
What?
Katie.
What?
Do you see my cell phone?
No!
[beeping]
Uh!
I knew you'd kill yourself
if you missed your husband's funeral.
Mmm...mmm...mmm...
Of course they're all gonna be there.
OK, you're ready.
Mmm!
OK, here we go.
Mmm...
Yeah, I am hurrying.
Nurse.
Uh, I just have to get her down to x-ray stat.
I didn't order any x-rays.
There.
And now...
[imitating drum roll]
Ta-da!
And for you,
a hat...
and...
It's a look. OK.
Let's run some lights.
[organ playing softly]
Touch him.
You.
Looks like he's gonna say something.
"Could somebody please scratch my nose?"
[both laughing]
We're gonna need more gas.
I definitely don't want to do this twice.
I'm just asking everyone
to stop at my office after this.
It's on the way to the lake.
Sure.
Katie, I'm just asking--
Did you invite any of his coworkers?
Well...your grandfather was more of a family man.
So it's just us?
Well, where's your grandmother?
You didn't hear?
Grandma.
What in the world happened?
Are you OK?
Mmm...mmm...
She said she's fine.
Mmm...mmm...
She's happy to be here.
I don't know. He looks different to me.
[sighs]
It's hard to picture him without a twinkle in his eye.
He really loved you.
He did.
[sighs]
Something stuck to my tongue.
Nice touch.
[Parson clears throat]
Bye, Dad.
[electronic feedback]
[crying softly]
Why...
do people have to die?
[sighs]
I...
I...I, uh...
My uncle died recently.
He was really... really the one who...
rai...
He raised me.
[sobbing]
Jimmy. Jimmy. Uncle Jimmy.
Jiminy Cricket.
[stammering incoherently]
[playing piano]
♪ I am not in love ♪
♪ But I'm open to persuasion ♪
♪ East or west ♪
♪ Where's the best ♪
♪ For romancing? ♪
Lucy: This is bullshit.
No. I'm sorry. Screw her.
Come on, Luce.
No. She has made a business out of persecuting me.
And I'm supposed to sit here at my father's funeral
and watch her fuck-sing at Samantha?
Screw that.
[Alice singing]
Jesus, Luce!
What is wrong with this family?
Well...
I hadn't heard Alice sing
since you were a baby.
She had a little trouble with the high notes.
Is it too much to ask that we bury my grandfather
with a little honor and dignity?
I think it is, sweetie, yeah.
Lance: You all know how I felt about him.
He was somebody I considered to be
a very close personal friend.
I have here his last will and testament.
He leaves his house at 132 Rolling Drive
to his beloved wife Charlotte.
He leaves $1,000 cash to Kate for expenses.
He also left a videotape
that he instructed me to play for you.
What about his money?
He had no other assets. I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
Hello, everybody. Surprise!
[sighs]
Ha ha ha!
Before I leave, I just want to say good-bye
and say a few other things as well.
First, I'm not a salesman.
Hell, I couldn't sell nose plugs to a proctologist.
I never did a day's work in my life.
I never knew how to do anything,
except a little acting maybe.
That's where my Danny boy got it from.
There's something stuck to my tongue, too.
Of course, Jerry was the one with the film career.
What I'm trying to tell you is...
there were 3 of you.
He always forgets me.
One in Rhode Island,
one in Mexico, and one in South Carolina.
Ha ha ha!
If you think raising 3 families is a lot of work,
you try doing it
without letting them find out about each other.
Oh, that's a killer.
Talk about leaking money.
Ooh, when I was 20,
I inherited millions,
and now...I'm up to my prostate in debt.
Ha ha! It was a crazy life,
but I loved it...
because I love my 3 wonderful wives
and my 9 precious--
Lance on videotape: 11.
11?
[laughing]
11 children? My God.
No wonder I couldn't get your names straight.
Anyway, I've had a great life.
Mmm!
A full life...
3 full lives.
You should all be so lucky.
Katie Collins, I'd like you to find
my other 2 families
and inform them of their loss.
Mmm!
Remember, I was just as big a part of their families
as I was of yours.
If I've learned anything, it's to be true to yourself.
Lookit.
He clocked them.
All the way from the grave.
All this time, I thought you were his favorite.
Well, I mean, you were his favorite one of us.
We could have been his second-favorite family.
I left something in the...
We could have been his third.
Congratulations on the thousand bucks.
Thanks.
What makes you think they know what they're doing?
This is actually the kind of stuff they're good at.
Maybe we should watch from over there.
Yeah.
♪ Love is but a song we're singing ♪
♪ Fear's the way we die ♪
[coughs]
I never knew.
None of us did.
No. I mean, I knew your family
was, you know... a little...
But I had no idea.
♪ Though the bird is on the wing ♪
♪ And you may not know why ♪
You know, Sam, I think
I'll catch up with you later.
I'm gonna have a word
with my brother there.
OK.
♪ Everybody get together ♪
♪ Try to love one another right now ♪
Dad, a little assistance.
Listen, guys...
My pop never told me...
He never told me...
how much he--
Don't.
What?
You were gonna say the "L" word.
I just want you to know--
Dad, we know how you feel.
Don't cheapen it with words.
I don't want to be like him.
So leave us better instructions.
Now, could you push?
I love you guys.
Dad! Dad!
I know. It felt weird, but I did it.
The fuse!
Oh, great.
No worries. We came prepared.
Oh, great.
[inhaling deeply]
Hey, do you remember Harry Barnes?
Don't give me crap about that.
I'm not in the mood. I don't want to--
I'm not giving you crap about it.
You remember him, right?
How could I forget him? He tortured you.
"Hey, here comes peanut butter boy..."
or crunchy-munchy face or roasted-toasted...
Yeah, I know. I just...I wanted...
What?
I just wanted to thank you.
I just want to thank you for that.
Thank you for looking after us,
protecting us.
Really.
[inhaling]
He had a glass jaw.
[laughing]
What? He did.
Glass jaw.
He did.
You clobbered that kid.
No.
Yes. You had
an unbelievable right hand, Alice.
Alice, please.
You dropped that boy.
You did. You--
Ha ha ha!
Ow. That...
Ow!
I hope you hurt yourself.
That really hurt.
I can't remem--
When was the last time
that the 2 of us just hung out like this?
I can't remember.
Lucy...I think
you owe your sister a big apology.
I don't have a sister.
Did we miss anything?
There's nothing left to say.
He ended it all.
Well, let me see what you got here.
You want a Twizzler? You sure?
Mm-hmm.
I can remember the day that you were born.
I can. I remember the doctor coming in
and saying, "It's a girl."
I thought, "Finally, a baby sister.
I'm gonna have a friend for the rest of my life."
Friend?
You've been making me feel bad about myself
for the past 15 years.
I know. It wasn't about you.
Oh, I was there. It was all about me.
Well, maybe I thought I was helping you.
Maybe you didn't think.
All right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lucy.
I'm so sorry.
For what?
For not being there for you,
for not being on your side.
That's...I wasn't on your side.
Yeah. Well...
Dad?
You ready, sweetie?
No.
There's a lot of good stuff here.
You know, just maybe skip the part
about him being a salesman, you know.
You ready?
No.
Uh, everybody. Can we gather?
Katie's going to honor what's left of our father
with a eulogy.
Dad, lighter.
Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.
We don't have a bagpipe player.
We know the words.
[twins imitating bagpipes]
how many laws you suppose we're breaking here?
Yeah, I should be preparing a defense.
Um...we have gathered here today
to honor my, uh... grandfather, Edmund Collins--
Shut it.
[twins stop imitating bagpipes]
Edmund was more than just a great father.
He was a great...guy.
Use your aim, guys.
Grandpa had the playful habit
of showering us with unusual nicknames.
Grandpa protected us while he was off...
[laughs]
And even though he wasn't always around,
let's face it, more than anything,
my grandfather was a family man.
[Alice laughing]
Sorry.
[all laughing]
Move me over there.
Ha ha ha. What's so funny?
Your father's dead.
Maybe he wasn't the man we all thought he was,
but he's the reason we're all here.
So...go ahead and laugh.
He made me laugh.
Just remember,
this is the last chance you have
to say good-bye to your father.
Katie, I gave you a job to do.
Get over here.
And just speak from your heart.
[arrows continue splashing]
All right, Katie.
"Did you really leave me again?
"After all the seasons I spent waiting,
"watching out the window,
"listening at the door,
"waiting for the news of your return,
"for the news that you realized
"that someone important was waiting for you?
"A whole lifetime I've been waiting.
"I can't believe you're not coming back.
"I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting.
I can't believe you left me again."
Grandpa didn't leave because of you.
It was because of you that he kept coming back.
I hope you all realize that.
[thud]
Skip: Nice.
♪ Papa was a rolling stone ♪
♪ Wherever he laid his hat was his home ♪
♪ And when he died ♪
♪ All he left-- ♪
So, after it stopped raining Grandpa,
I caught a ride here.
[sniffling]
I'm so honored and touched.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
No wonder Edmund was gone so often.
It's hard to believe. It really is.
Poor Barbara.
What do you mean?
I don't know what to say.
You're not Barbara?
Edmund was the best neighbor I ever had.
[crying]
Rod Stewart: ♪ Crying ♪
How'd it go?
Oh...
Pretty well, I guess.
I was starting to think maybe
you ducked out the back on me
or something.
Ha ha ha!
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I don't cry ♪
♪ Laughing ♪
♪ Laughing sometimes does somebody some good somehow ♪
♪ Somehow ♪
Wait. Stop the car for a second.
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I'm laughing now ♪
♪ That's why I... ♪
I'll explain on the way.
♪ I'm laughing now ♪
♪ Loving ♪
♪ Loving never did me no good nohow ♪
♪ Nohow ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ Can't love you now ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ Can't love you now ♪
"This tape will explain what this note cannot."
[gunshots]
"Vag...in...
a...Town."
What's a vag?
♪ You know I've never been much like you ♪
♪ And so whatever, I guess we just can't compare the 2 ♪
♪ And so you got to stay tried and true ♪
♪ Stick around for now, it's gonna be all right ♪
♪ You've got the grace, and I've got the time ♪
♪ You call me your revelation ♪
♪ Hold me in anticipation ♪
♪ And all I got is a fascination ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ I guess I kind of got lost in myself ♪
♪ And what's ahead of me is better ♪
♪ But it's not for me to tell ♪
♪ I got a feeling it's just as well ♪
♪ Take a ride, is what you see inside OK? ♪
♪ And everything shines in the light of the day ♪
♪ You call me your revelation ♪
♪ For you ♪
[applause]
Alice: So, I think that brings us to the toasts,
and I think we should toast my sister
and my new sister-in-law.
So I think the lovely and articulate Simon
will do the honors, right?
Skip: Big Skip.
Big Skip. Well, come and prove it.
[applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, here they are.
We're here for these 2 lovely ladies
on this momentous occasion.
And we're all happy for them.
Oh. Oh, I have a perfect joke for tonight. Yes, I do.
It's not dirty. It's not a dirty joke!
It's not a dirty joke. Just let people have--
It's a simple joke.
These 2 gym teachers walk into a hardware store--
That's it. All right.
[electronic feedback]
♪ You call me your revelation ♪
♪ Hold me in anticipation ♪
♪ And all I got is a fascination ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ You call me your revelation ♪
♪ Hold me in anticipation ♪
♪ And all I got is a fascination ♪
♪ For you ♪