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Lizzie: "Chapter one, Charleston, south Carolina.
"Chelsea tried to keep her gaze from slipping back
"to chance Peters' face,
"to those rugged plains..." Rugged plains?
No, no, that was cliff in the night was hard.
"Chapter one,
"Chelsea grasped the large black iron gates
"of chance Peters' mansion.
"They were stiff and heavy. They moved..."
Nah.
"Chapter one, Charleston, south Carolina.
"Chelsea tried to keep her gaze from slipping back,
"back to chance Peters' bald, puffy face. She..."
Wait a minute, that's Gus I'm thinking about.
Oh, Gus, my little brother.
What am I gonna do about you?
You're cured! You've made it through!
Why can't you see it?
Gus, you've got a whole new life.
Don't waste it. Take a chance!
Gus, you need to fall in love.
J' it's been so long since I've been loved
j' confidence I need more of
j' if she ever finds me out
j' will she want me?
J' I play these games to hide my fears
j' sayin' what she wants to hear
j' if she finds out who I am
j' is it over?
J' is it over?
J' don't tell her it's me
j' it's just a masquerade
j' don't tell her it's me
j' I've got to find a way
j' till only love remains
j' she only wants the fantasy
j' this man that I appear to be
j' how can I go on like this?
J' am I crazy?
J' don't tell her it's me
j' it's just a masquerade
J' don't tell her it's me
j' I've got to find a way
j' till only love remains
j' time and time again
j' I ask my heart
j' to tell me when to go to her
J'and tell her that it's me
j'and when I open up my heart to her
J' will she be there to understand
j' this love that's in
j' my hand? J'
Gus: Get 'em, taff. Death to the invaders.
They threaten your territorial integrity, they die.
Hmm...
This is it, Gus.
The final, absqute last delivery.
As of today, no more meals on wheels.
I'm gonna force you to go out.
Not to eat.
Why not to eat?
Don't be obtuse.
Gus, you don't look that bad.
Oh, yeah. I look swell.
What about that toupee I got you?
Oh, the toupee!
Oh, yes.
Yes, indeed, the toupee.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only...
Microwave lounge singer!
J' let the record show, hey!
J' I took the blow
j' and did it my way j'
ah!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You've been a beautiful audience. I love you, don't change.
Gus...
Your hair is going to grow back,
and you're going to look great.
I'm gonna look like Mr. Potato head.
No, you're not. You're getting better.
The swelling's going.
Gus, what you've been through
has put character on your face.
And the kind of woman you want
responds to that a lot better than some pretty boy.
You're gonna be swamped. Trust me.
Ugh! Eternally upbeat.
Do you realize how much you sound like mom?
Well, I'm not just saying that.
As viveca lamoureaux,
I have a professional obligation
to know what women want.
Lizzie, you write romance novels.
Exactly.
I have to know the secret desires of American women
if I'm going to fulfill them.
Trish asked about you.
No.
No, no, no.
Do not even consider going into matchmaker mode.
Lizzie: Oh, great, look at this.
Hungry-man, cup-a-soup, cup-a-stew, cup-a-noodles.
Do you mind not indexing my garbage?
What's this?
Oh, please, by all means, review my mail.
Get well cards?
When you're through, my diary's upstairs.
"Dear Gus, this is the first fan letter I've ever written.
"I'm so glad you're on the road to recovery
"and doing the cartoons again.
"I really missed them while you were in the hospital.
"Well, that's about all.
"I just wanted you to know
"how many people are out here rooting for you,
"and how much enjoyment you bring us.
"All the best, Amanda Fairchild."
She sounds nice. Mmm-hmm.
Well, it seems to me that an enterprising single guy
could find a date amidst all those thousands of adoring fans.
Thousands of adoring fans.
Lizzie, I do obscure cartoons for an obscure magazine
read by obscure people leading obscure lives.
Don't make me into Gary trudeau.
And I don't want to date.
I know. That's your problem.
You wanna go directly from "hi, I'm Gus kubicheck,"
to adjoining burial plots.
Hey, my body still glows like a night-light
from the radiation therapy, okay?
I'm not ready to jump out there
and be bachelor number one.
I'm sorry.
I just...
Want you attached, you know.
Here.
I was so scared for so long, Gus.
It was hard. It was really, really hard.
I just want you to be happy,
so you'll be around a long time.
I will.
I promise you, I will, lizbo.
I know, I know, I know.
I know I've been too much of a recluse.
Even before I got sick,
I wasn't exactly Mr. Swingle.
No.
Gus: I'd like to meet somebody.
Sagittarius, right?
Libra.
Scorpio. I knew it, I knew it.
I looked at you and I said "scorpio."
I mean, there's something about you.
I'm pretty good at identifying it.
Most people aren't.
The first two, you know, I was just...
'Cause you could easily be one or the other,
or the third, which you are, indeed.
I think you'll remember that I did say that.
I'm not a secretary, I'm a writer.
Mmm, mmm-hmm. Ajournalist.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Senorita! Excuse me.
It's still dos para uno, si? Yeah, still two-for-one.
Okay, then mas. Muchos mas margaritas.
Oh, no, I've had enough.
No. No, es bueno. Es bueno!
Come on, it's happy hour. Let's get happy.
You're not running off on me, are you, Elise?
It's Emily.
Huh?
My name, it's Emily, not Elise.
Emily. Emily! Emily, of course!
That's what I meant, Emily.
Great name.
How about dinner?
Elise...
Trout: Emily, Emily, come on!
You know that I'm right.
It'd be a perfect assignment for you.
"The loveboree."
You can nail viveca lamoureaux
and her sisters of the dripping pen of love.
Emily: Viveca lamoureaux?
And it's not just a great opportunity for the paper,
it's a perfect piece for you.
You know, one of your patented sensitive, empathic profiles.
What do you say? Are you interested? Hmm?
You people with your natural energy. How do you do it?
We sleep, trout, we occasionally sleep.
Oh!
So, do you have a number on this woman?
What, you want me to write the piece for you?
Mr. Renault! My client... one moment.
Woman: Hello, grackle. Man: Mr. Renault!
Woman: One moment, I'll connect you.
Coffee time.
Man: Renault!
Let's just take a quiet moment out
for ourselves, shall we?
I need to see Mr. Renault right now.
Huh?
Mr. Renault, please.
You know, there's something I've been thinking a lot about lately,
almost uncontrollably.
What kind of father do you think I'd make?
Depends on the species you had in mind.
No, really, I'm serious. I mean...
Don't you ever think about, like, continuity?
Like the great ongoing drama of human life,
of man, of woman, of child...
Maybe a little family?
Well, yeah. Now that you mention it, I do. A lot, actually,
which is why...
Mr. Renault, my client...
Your client is blowing smoke.
You cannot libel garbage by saying it stinks!
Jesus!
Discussion closed!
My lawyer will contact you on Monday morning.
Man on pa: At 4:00, viveca lamoureaux
will be reading excerpts from her novels
passion's price and the night was hard
in the grand ballroom.
At 5:00, babette wilcox
will be delivering her lecture "get it up"
from her book the a to y of sexual tension.
Viveca lamoureaux.
"His name was chance Peters, his touch was magic."
Are you waiting for someone?
Yeah, viveca.
You're not wearing a nametag,
you must be a reporter, too.
I used to write for the herald.
Woman: Beth, Beth.
Lizzie potts. Who are you covering this confab for?
The grackle. Emily pear.
Would you move it?
Have you ever been to a loveboree before?
No, uh-uh.
Not exactly something I'd like
to make a lifelong habit.
Viveca lamoureaux? Where do they get these names?
I wonder if she'll be another one of those tootsie look-alikes?
So, you're doing a feature story?
You cover the lifestyle beat?
Your beat. What's your beat?
What? Oh, used to be police.
L'amour is my beat now.
Viveca lamoureaux was my mother's maiden name.
You're... oh, god.
Would you laugh again?
Laugh? Listen, what I was saying, I didn't mean it.
I wasn't referring to... Oh, god, I am so sorry!
I just want a great big hole to open up and swallow me.
Don't worry about it. We're used to condescension and insults.
Are you married?
What a way to start an interview.
Married? No.
Involved? Seeing anyone steadily?
Depends on what you mean by "steadily."
I was. I mean...
He wants us to see other people.
That's pretty unsteady, I guess. Why?
Uh, research.
I've been married so long, I don't wanna lose touch
with what today's single woman is looking for in a man.
So, how did you start writing romance novels?
On yellow legal pads with bic fine-point pens.
So, what are you looking for in a man?
Money? A great body? Terrific sex?
None of those things hurt,
I guess.
Do they?
I don't know. What am I looking for?
Um...
A pair of warm feet on a cold night,
someone who cares about me,
someone that I care about.
Integrity. That's what I want.
You just don't find a lot of integrity out there.
Am I still speaking for today's single woman?
Okay. Could I interview you for a while?
Yeah, sure. I've got everything I need.
Oh, one last question...
What are you doing for dinner this Saturday?
Man on pa: Country and western harlots to the green room, please.
Mitchell: Lance, gray, hawk, Thorn...
All those characters were based on me?
Lizzie: Yes. Emily...
You mean, I was rod in the night was hard?
Mitchell: Wow, I never knew that.
Lizzie: We looked at the house, and I had to have it.
I knew it'd be an inspiration for my work,
but it was urine yellow everywhere,
so we had to change that.
I wanted to restore all the moldings
and the cottage cheese ceiling.
Mitchell: Chance Peters? Lizzie: Yes.
Let's go upstairs.
Mitchell: I was chance Peters?
I was chance Peters in passion's price?
Lizzie: You go on ahead, Emily.
Jeez, kilorad!
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, I love you, too.
Go on. Go on.
Go on!
Lizzie: Oh, don't mind kilorad.
He doesn't like anyone but my brother.
I wonder where he is. He's never late.
When he says he's going to do something, he does.
He's just that way.
Good going, Liz. Start me out easy,
like with playmate of the millennium.
Not too intimidating.
Lizzie: When I saw him doing the ceilings,
I called him "Mitchell-Angelo."
Beautiful.
Oh! Shoot!
Well, listen, while I think of it.
You said you wanted to read through
the viveca lamoureaux oeuvre.
Wow! Uh-huh.
You wrote all these?
Yeah, every sizzling word.
Take your time,
return them when you're through.
Lizzie, I could use some galley help.
Emily: Hello.
What's your name?
My name's Emily.
Is that your doggy?
What's your daughter's name?
Annabelle, or piglet.
Mostly piglet.
Does she talk? Mitchell: No.
Yes.
No.
She does so speak.
Just because you can't understand what she's saying.
Mitchell: Oh, one word. She says one word, "unkow."
Not "dada," not "mama, unkow."
Lizzie: Is it my fault she likes Gus?
She's three and she grunts.
Oh, you're so... she's a little preverbal.
Maybe "unkow" Gus doesn't have all these
super-baby expectations.
Oh, super-baby?
We should have called her "clarabelle." What?
You know, the clown with howdy doody with the horn.
Emily: Poopsie, you're back.
What do you have in your mouth?
Annabelle, what do you have in your mouth?
Show mommy what you have in your...
Piglet, what has mommy told you
about putting mineral oil compounds in our mouth?
They dissolve oil-soluble vitamins,
that means vitamin deficiency and disease.
Give mommy the bolt.
Piglet, the bolt, please.
Thank you. You, oh!
Well, think of it this way, she likes you.
She's giving you a present.
Come on, in the bathroom.
Bedtime soon.
Gus: Piglet. Unkow.
Piglet, don't tell them I'm here.
Piglet! Don't tell mommy I'm here!
Piglet!
Piglet.
I'll just run this out to the laundry room,
have it back for you in a jiff.
Don't go anywhere.
Piglet!
Annabelle: Unkow!
Piglet.
Yes, yes, we'll draw later.
Where's mommy, piglet?
Lizzie?
Lizzie, you in there?
Look, you have to count me out.
I can't go through with this.
I can't get the rug on right.
Lizzie?
Oh, gosh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry!
I thought you were my sister!
Oh, god!
The soup turned out really well this time, dear.
Mmm. It did, didn't it? You know,
I think that my ginger-to-coriander ratio
that I'd been working with
was skewed just a little bit too heavily towards the ginger.
Mmmhmm.
Dinner music! That's what we need.
A little dinner music.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Much better.
Okay, moving right along.
Lizzie, if you'll clear, it's time for the...
Lizzie tells me you're a writer.
Huh?
Lizzie tells me you're a writer.
You're a writer? Yes!
She tells me that you're a cartoonist.
That sounds very interesting. It does?
Yes.
It is.
It is. It's very interesting.
So, is it hard coming up with ideas all the time?
Well, actually, I work for a weekly magazine,
so I don't have to come up with a new idea every day.
And you?
Do you come up with your own ideas, or...
Well...
Sometimes I come up with my own ideas. Mmm-hmm.
And then sometimes my editor comes up...
Oh, editors!
And a lot of times we come up with ideas together.
Uh-huh.
So, cartooning. Mmm-hmm.
Have you always wanted to be a cartoonist?
Well, actually, it's the same...
With me, it was the old story.
Doodled my way through school,
thinking I was studying to be a lawyer,
but actually, I was learning cartooning.
Ta-dum!
Mitchell: All righty.
We'll start with our guest of honor.
There we are. Hold on, more coming.
There we are. And one more.
It's the traditional three-scoop serving.
Well?
Very interesting.
A little salty.
Kind of like chewy tears.
A little gritty.
A little Sandy. What exactly is this?
Jellyfish salad.
All right. Gus, you're next.
All righty.
There's one...
Number two...
And that traditional third scoop.
Whoops. There we are.
Mitchell, Mitchell.
Say, "cheese."
Mitchell: Cheese.
Emily!
First door on the right!
Well, that was an unmitigated disaster.
I wouldn't call it that.
What would you call it when the guest of honor blows her tentacles?
Look out there.
What do you see?
Mitchell: I see the poor schnook who's crushed by humiliation
and hacked off at his sister
for putting him in the most embarrassing social situation
of his life.
Lizzie: Okay.
It got off to a little rocky start.
I think a spark has been lighted here tonight.
A spark that, with a little judicious fanning,
will turn into an all-consuming,
all-forgiving, mutual Blaze of passion.
Sweetheart? Mmm-hmm.
You have been reading too much viveca lamoureaux.
Electronic voice: You're busted.
So, it's going to be
yet another warm, human story,
affirming the dignity of even the sorriest of lives.
Well, they didn't turn out to be bubble-brains.
Perfect. Leave it to you to find a rhodes scholar
at the loveboree.
Fulbright. Hmm?
Lizzie potts, she was a fulbright scholar.
Finno-ugric language patterns in the urals.
That's before she found out
she couldn't make a living in linguistics
and switched to journalism. Oh.
That was very shrewd.
Got into journalism for the bucks.
Very canny, indeed.
Emily: Yeah, that's why she switched to romance novels.
I can't see him all day?
Emily: A fulbright scholar writing romance novels.
She's written an armful.
A fulbright scholar?
That's what the people want to read about.
The intelligentsia behind passion's price.
Trout, I have to write what I see.
Yeah, well, shouldn't you be doing it
for guideposts magazine or something?
Electronic voice: You're busted.
Quit playing crusty editor.
I'm the best writer you have who's brain-damaged enough
to work for what you pay, and you know it.
I like it when you're feisty.
Let's stop seeing other people, hmm?
I thought we weren't even gonna discuss this issue again.
Rule change. You always do that.
Where were you Saturday night?
Oh, I see. We should be seeing other people,
except when "we" includes me.
Where, hmm?
Why should I tell you anything?
Because you want to.
Come on, baby, tell your little dog your big dog's home.
Don't speak to me in blues lyrics. You always do this!
You're only interested in me when some other man wants me, too,
and you lose interest when you have me.
No, it's sick. I'm not a yo-yo.
That's the old trout. This is the new trout.
Come on, Emily. The whole time we've been apart,
I haven't been able to think about being with anybody else.
I want us to be together.
Hmm?
Mmm...
You know that now you've got the king bee buzzing around your hive.
Bzzz!
Trout, don't! You know that now, right?
Emily: "Chelsea stopped and put her canteen
"to her ripe, sun-plumped lips.
"Only then did she notice
"that a lone, broad-shouldered man on horseback
"was silently watching her.
"A slow, arrogant smile spread across his male lips,
"causing an instinctive spasm to uncoil
"from Chelsea's most secret female core."
Ugh!
Lizzie, please. "Secret female core"?
Emily: "His masterful male hands
"found the passion-hardened centers of her breasts.
"Chelsea's bones seemed to melt.
"He pressed her to him,
"to the unyielding wall of his chest, his loins.
"She felt the swollen evidence of his male arousal
"and the inevitability of surrender
"to the need throbbing within her secret core.
"'Yes, ' she gasped.
"'Oh, yes, chance. Yes, now.'"
Yeah, be right there!
Lizzie: Emily!
Emily?
It's me, Lizzie.
Hey! I brought you some chicken soup.
How you feelin'?
I didn't wake you up, did I?
No, I was getting up.
I feel better. Good.
You know, we never finished that interview.
Interview? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, yes, the interview. Would you like a cup of coffee?
Oh, can't drink coffee.
I'm naturally wound up a bit too tight.
Well, I'll just...
Lizzie: I thought we could get into some of the issues
that we touched on the other day.
The role of romance novels in readers' lives.
Course, there are also the arguments
that romance novels are porn for housewives.
We could explore that issue as well.
And the origin of the romance novel.
Is it a descendent of the brontes and Jane Austen,
as some contend?
Or, as I'm inclined to believe,
is it a corruption
of the 19th century dime novel and melodrama?
I believe we can see a direct line
from the regency novels to...
Um, can I get you anything?
No! Annabelle!
Don't play with the space heater coil!
Piglet, if you breathe gas,
it will tie up all your available hemoglobin,
and there'll be none left for oxygen transfer.
Your lips and nail beds will turn cherry red,
and you'll die of carbon monoxide poisoning.
I like to acquaint her with consequences.
Are you ready?
Uh-huh, yes.
No, I need a notebook and a pencil.
Oh, use this.
I keep it with me to dictate ideas at stoplights.
Thank you.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, yes. I stayed up late last night
and I read passion's price.
You did? What'd you think?
Well...
Aren't you a little worried about raising false expectations?
I mean, your hero, chance Peters, he's too perfect.
So, you'd prefer a more realistic hero.
A sweet, average-looking, everyday guy
with tons of integrity. Of course!
You leave that handsome rogue fantasy behind in high school.
Well, I am so glad to hear you say that,
because at this point Gus is hardly a dream babe.
Gus? Um... but, he...
I was speaking in the abstract,
not about anything realistic.
Oh, I don't think it's at all unrealistic.
I think you have a very good chance with Gus.
Lizzie, I don't know how to tell you this.
Gus is such a nice guy, a terrifically nice guy.
But I'm sort of involved with someone already.
You are?
Well, yes, sort of.
I'm just not interested. I'm sorry, it's my fault.
Well, I bet you'd be interested if he had a sardonic smile
and thick wavy hair.
Well, he doesn't have any hair at all, does he?
No.
And neither would you if you'd almost died of hodgkin's disease
and had a year of radiation
and chemotherapy.
Oh, god, Lizzie, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
I mean, I thought he might be sick, but radiation...
Normally, he's quite good-looking. It's not looks, Lizzie!
When you meet someone and they're the one, you just know.
Looks really don't have that much to do with it.
Right.
You'd have fallen for Gus like a ton of bricks
if he'd been devastatingly handsome and treated you like shit.
I would not have!
Now don't get mad just because I don't wanna...
Annabelle! Spit that bug out.
"Handsome rogue fantasy."
"Left it behind in high school."
Annabelle, listen to your mother.
There is none so blind as she who will not see.
Ga-ga!
"Ga-ga," indeed.
It's about time some people had their eyes opened.
Hey!
There's the little piglet!
Hiya, honey. How you doing?
You're smitten with Emily, aren't you?
What? It's true, right?
And, Gus, she's not gonna give you the time of day.
Did you talk to her? What did she say?
Gosh, Lizzie!
Why do you keep sticking your nose in my...
I'm your brother, not your retarded son!
Lizzie: Forget it. We don't have time to split hairs.
She's going to get married, Gus, if we don't act fast.
Married?
To who?
Gus.
I can make Emily fall in love with you.
I'm not kidding.
What have I been doing for the past five years?
Creating heroes for women,
millions of women, to fall in love with.
Gus, you can be one of those heroes!
Oh, come on.
All right, all right.
But as sure as I'm standing here,
you're gonna lose her.
Lizzie, leave my love life to me, okay?
Why, so you can adore her from afar?
Not that I'm even thinking about agreeing with you...
But what have you got in mind?
Just a few small changes.
The little details that women love.
Muscles, for instance.
I can work out on my own. I already plan to.
I know, I know. I was just thinking that if you had a coach
and an all-out intensive program...
I can handle that, Lizzie.
Gus, I wasn't even implying that you can't.
I would simply act in a supervisory capacity to help you.
And improve
a couple other minor areas.
Like what? The way you dress,
speak, wear your hair, when you've got some.
The way you chew,
the fact that you wear pajamas to bed.
Gus, pajamas aren't gonna get it.
I would suggest
a pair of bikini briefs.
Colored, maybe even a teal.
Stop!
I'm not gonna discuss
teal jockey shorts with my sister.
You're never gonna get her to go out with you.
But out!
I'm a big boy now!
I'll choose my own undenlvear.
And I'll get Emily pear to go out with me.
Hello?
Hi, Emily. Gus here.
Sorry, who is this?
Gus kubicheck.
Lizzie potts' brother from the jellyfish night.
Oh, Gus!
Yeah, from the jellyfish night. Hi.
Hi.
Uh...
A friend of mine gave me some tickets
to a concert...
Um...
The cowboy junkies,
and I was wondering if you'd like to go?
With me. If we could go together.
Well, um...
I'm having some oral surgery done.
Oh, oral surgery.
Ooh, that's painful, huh?
Yeah.
Well, a little after that is...
The Beijing acrobats,
which are a fascinating group of Chinese.
Well... I've seen...
I'm taking cajun cookery class.
And I already paid.
And there's about 18 lessons, so...
We're making crawfish etouffee.
Oh, really? That's very good.
That's very tasty.
Um...
Maybe another time.
Oh, okay.
Sorry. Oh, it's okay.
Bye. Oh, okay. All right. Well, bye.
Lizzie: Hello? Okay.
But no teal briefs.
Lizzie: First, and most basic, is attitude.
Women like men who are a little dangerous,
the lone wolf, the...
Oh, oh, oh! I've got it! Lobo!
Gus: Lobo? Lizzie: Lobo!
Lizzie: Since time is of the essence here,
what we're gonna need is instant devastation.
That means you have to be foreign.
What accents can you do?
Uh, French.
I am lobo. I hunt alone.
I need no one.
Try Spanish.
I am lobo. I hunt alone.
I need no one.
I'll have to give it some thought.
Come on, come on, move it, Gus. Come on!
Come on!
All right, look, we gotta work on the tan.
Take your shirt off.
The only thing that women like better than muscles are brown muscles.
Put it on! Put it on!
Quirk, flare, clench, squint.
Are you doing this, Gus? Yeah, yeah.
Quirk, flare, clench, squint.
The only accent you're going to be able to get away with
is one that nobody's ever heard before.
Lobo is going to be from New Zealand.
A kiwi.
Listen, absorb, repeat.
Taffy! Come over here.
Taffy.
Come here. Good boy.
Yeah, yeah, that's a good little boy.
"And a man needs
"a bit of home in his pocket
"when he's a rootless wanderer
"questing through..." Taffy, come here.
"Questing... questing through this savage... savage world
"in search... search of..."
Hey, wait, baby. Going our way?
Yeah, yeah, you're ready for stage two.
Stage two? What's wrong with me now?
Nothing, nothing.
Cosmetic transformation only.
Man: Uh-uh.
No.
Lizzie: Hmm. Man: No.
Oh!
Man: No. No.
No.
Yes!
This is so sleazy.
I only have $2, and I pumped 23.
But I can return the rest to you tomorrow.
No, you don't do that, do you?
Well, let's see. Do you take credit cards?
Sears?
No. Uh...
Well, I have this old watch, it's...
Wrong place and real wrong time, girlie.
Don't move or say anything, or I'll kill ya.
She bought it. From a distance.
But I didn't speak.
I am lobo. I hunt alone.
I need no one.
I am lobo. I hunt...
Gus: No, you're not leaving.
What do you mean I'm not leaving?
I'm getting out of here, this is dangerous!
You're not getting out of here, you're lobo!
I am not lobo! God, I'm in trouble.
This guy's huge. This guy's huge!
All right, just find a weapon, find a weapon.
No, not meat snacks!
This? You'll hit him over the head, he'll eat it!
Put that away. All right, find something, find something.
Be smart. Pickled eggs, no, pigs feet, no.
Gotta get something. You gotta save this girl.
I'm not gonna save this girl.
Just calm down, relax. You can do this.
Emily: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
I thought he was gonna kill me! Did you see that gun?
If you hadn't come along the way you did.
I thought you were gonna leave!
Clerk: I'm gonna get the police to pin a medal on your chest, boy.
Put you on the front page of the paper.
Police? You a genuine hero, boy.
I gotta get out of here.
Vince! Vince!
Oh!
Leave her! You're hurt! The police are coming.
No authorities. Authorities?
Are you wanted? No, no.
But I'm up a gum tree with the green card drongos.
Green card? You're an illegal alien.
Come on, come on.
All right.
Gus: I'm sorry your dress got soaked.
Emily: Oh! Oh. Oh!
Oh, your hand!
Let's see.
Okay, this, this might sting a little.
Better? Mmm-hmm.
I coulda rang for a bloody cab
from any one of those booths we passed.
Emily: Oh, right. And just abandon you?
Would you like a drink?
Maybe something for the pain?
Have you any whooskey?
"Whooskey"?
Whiskey.
Any particular kind of whiskey?
Whatever you've got.
I'll just go inventory the liquor cabinet.
Okay, let's see.
We have
Frangelico, Kahlua, grand Marnier, and coco ribe.
They all sound great, you choose.
What? Was that you?
I am lobo. I hunt alone.
I need no one.
Haven't you got anything with a bit of hair on it,
with a bit of bite to it?
Emily: Okay.
I've got some gin. Oh, but I don't have any tonic.
But I do have some caffeine-free diet sprite, I could mix that in.
Just the gin, please.
A large glass, if you will.
"Rootless wanderer, yearning void...
"Searching through the yearning void..."
Spirits for the spirits.
It's an old maori custom,
some would say superstition.
But this little fella hasn't let me down yet.
So he always gets his nip first.
Looks like something off of easter island.
Really?
It reminds me of home.
And a man needs a bit of home in his pocket,
when he's a rootless wanderer
questing through this savage world in search of...
What?
Of a way to fill the yearning void within himself.
Who knows? Mmm-hmm.
Here's to ya, miss Emily pear.
How did you know that? What?
My name.
The, uh...
The magazine. Oh.
You seem to be searching for something, too.
What are you talking about?
It's in the eyes.
All in the eyes.
What I see in yours
is deep doubt
behind a facade of assurance.
There is not.
I'm very sure about trout, it's what I want. It's time.
Marriage, is it?
Isn't that what you saw?
I only see what a person's feelin'.
Even if they don't always know themselves what that is.
Well, you missed on me.
Because I am very happy about marrying trout, very sure...
My ankle, oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that!
Oh, please don't pass out. Please don't pass out.
Oh, you passed out. Oh, no!
Wake up. Please wake up.
No, you're right.
Just rest, relax. Don't wake up.
Just...
Oh, god!
Oh, god! Oh!
Hello?
Oh, hi, trout. No, I'm awake.
I just haven't spoken yet this morning.
Trout, could I call you back?
There's jehovah's witnesses on my porch, gotta go.
Hello!
How's my little patient doing?
Hello?
Lizzie: There was a robbery?
You stopped a robbery?
Gus: And then
she kissed me.
Oh!
She kissed us.
She kissed him!
You know, deep down, I really didn't think she was gonna go for lobo.
I thought you might feel that way.
That's why I've called in a sensuality consultant.
Sensuality consultant?
Now, mostly at my workshops
I talk about how to establish and heighten your sexual tension.
I'll assume here that we can move straight to the heightening.
Look, I really appreciate you coming by, my sister...
Does frank and open discussion of human sexuality embarrass you?
No, no, of course not.
Well, yes, yes.
Look, this is not the problem. Good!
Then if you'll just hold your questions
until after my presentation.
Making love is like building a barbecue fire.
These areas here and here are your charcoal.
Now, you don't want to involve these areas
until you've got a good hot fire roaring.
And how do we do that?
Come on, goose. Weren't you ever a boy scout?
Sure, sure, but we never...
I mean, we may have wanted to.
With... I don't know.
Oh! Oh, oh.
Sticks in the shape of a teepee.
Babette: All right! Very good.
Kindling. We must have kindling.
And here, these are our kindling areas.
Arms.
Neck.
Fingers.
Instep.
Instep?
An kles.
Now, to make a woman truly yours,
you've got to have that slow burn.
Let me demonstrate.
Do you see this, what I'm doing with my tongue?
Observe closely. I'll demonstrate again.
No. No! Absolutely not!
I don't want this lobo jerk doing that to Emily with his tongue.
What's the shouting about?
I should've stayed last night. She kissed me.
Not everyone is emotionally secure enough for my presentation.
Excuse us just a minute.
Gus, Gus!
You know the magic ingredient.
The heroine must believe that the hero is unattainable.
Emily can't know that she can have you until the last page of the book.
But that isn't fair to Emily.
She's gotta come after you, or none of this is gonna work.
She'll marry trout, and both of you will be miserable
for the rest of your lives. But why?
Why is she gonna come after me? She doesn't even know my name.
Our name. His name!
She's going to come after you
because we've given her a plausible excuse.
Oh!
The... the plastic gewgaw.
Your personal totem.
Returning it is the right thing to do.
People always do the right thing,
when it serves their purposes.
Thank you so much, babette, that was fabulous.
Babette: We didn't even get to the climax.
Lizzie: No. Well...
Man: Trout, come on, we gotta do this, man.
Yeah, Thursday.
Oh! Trout.
I have to get these proofs to Jeff.
How about dinner tonight?
Dinner? Tonight? Hmm?
Let me think about it.
You're being awful distant lately.
Me, distant? No.
It's you. You're the one who's distant,
thinking about other people.
Babycakes, what is this?
It's nothing. I found it.
Oh. I like it. Let me have it.
For an engagement present.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the man
supposed to give the woman an engagement gift,
something in the form of a ring?
Mmm. I'm getting to it.
I'm getting to it. I wanna find just the perfect one.
In any event, it isn't mine to give.
I have to find the owner and return it to him.
Him? Them.
It's the right thing to do.
Trout? Trout, did you want me?
Yeah.
Hmm.
Nothing had better have happened to that bike.
Don't worry.
Oh, shit, there's Emily!
Miss Emily pear.
Didn't expect to see you here today.
Guarding me bike, are ya?
Where did you...
No. I wanted to return this to you.
You left it, but I don't know your name.
Sorry. I was a bit scatty last night.
Lobo. Lobo marunga.
Where are you going?
You can't ride that bike with your ankle.
Do you have to go?
Hop on.
What? Hop on.
Well...
Now do this.
This? Right.
Arms around here. Right.
What are you doing?
I thought you'd show me the scenic wonders hereabouts.
Oh, no, I have to get back to work.
J' talk to me of this old language
j' talk to me your animal talk
j' talk to me of this old language
j' talk to me your weathervane talk
j' only your eyes can see me
j' only your lips can tell
j' only your ears can hear me
j' nobody knows me, nobody knows me
j' nobody knows me so well j'
Oh!
I could get arrested if I let you leave town
without teaching you the shag.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not much of a dancer.
Well, it's not much of a dance.
Now, if you can walk,
you can do the shag, okay? Uh-huh.
Just one-two-three, one-two-three, back, up, that's it.
Okay? Ready?
One-two-three, one-two-three, back, up.
One-two-three. Good, you're doing great!
Emily?
My name...
It's...
It's lobo.
I know. I like your name.
I like it a lot.
Gus: Emily?
Give me your hand.
Now, if you ever feel like calling.
If it wouldn't compromise your betrothal.
I like you, Emily pear.
I like you a lot.
Maybe too much.
Gus: Hello? Emily: Lobo?
Gus: Uh...
Emily: Is lobo there? Gus: Uh...
Yeah, he's lifting some weights right now.
I'll go get him.
Hi!
Oh, I wouldn't have called, except for...
I do appreciate that.
Well, I mustn't keep you.
You're leaving?
Uh, wait.
Could you drop me off?
My car, something's wrong with it...
The battery or the universal joint, I don't know.
Anyway, a friend of mine needs me to return some stuff,
and I was wondering if maybe... all right.
I'll just go.
Yes, yes, yes!
Stuff! I need some stuff!
Where's some stuff?
Some stuff!
Come on!
Actually, no, I'll just wait right here, if you don't mind.
Oh, come on. Lizzie's a character, you'll like her.
To tell the truth, I'm not much on characters.
Solid citizens, the ordinary, tax attorneys...
Much more my cup of tea.
Oh, lobo, come on, you'll have a good time.
It'll be lots of fun.
Coming.
Annabelle, sweetheart, don't stick your tongue in the wall socket.
If you complete the circuit,
electricity with a frequency of 60 cycles per second
will flow through you, paralyzing your respiratory organs
and damaging the central nervous system.
A character.
Coming!
Come in!
Hi. I brought you back your books.
Lizzie, I want to introduce you to a friend of mine, lobo.
Lobo, this is Lizzie. She's a writer.
"Lo-Bo," is it?
Yes, lobo.
Oh, kilorad.
Friendly pooch, eh?
He likes you. Lizzie, didn't you say that this dog
didn't like anyone except your brother?
Um, he's, uh, he's opening up.
Okay. I tell you what,
you two just have a seat, and I'll be right back.
Lo-Bo...
Where did you say you're from?
Bavaria?
New Zealand.
Auckland. Ah.
What did you say you wrote?
Suspense thrillers?
New Zealand. I've always wanted to visit New Zealand.
The maoris, the sheep...
Oh! The lure of the faraway and exotic.
Gus: Quite.
Well, it's all so... so romantic.
Unkow! Unkow!
Baby belle, hello.
She's still not talking?
Emily: Oh, no actual verbalizations per se.
There is the odd word.
Unkow!
Cute little nipper.
I must remind her of this, uh...
Gus? Oh, no, you guys don't look anything alike.
Gus has brown eyes, and his hair...
Well, the joker must have something going for him.
Loved by dogs and small children.
Can't be all bad, can he?
Oh, he's very sweet. I don't really know him that well, but nice.
A very, very nice guy.
Oh!
Oh, kilorad!
Come on, boy.
Let's go. Oh, boy, whoa! Here we go.
Here we go, boy. Here we go. That a boy.
Be back in a jiff.
Yeah.
Milk's in the kitchen, honey.
I reckon she wants me to draw a bit, eh?
Hey, Gus!
Mitchell: Hey, Gus.
You got the hog fixed, huh? Looks cherry, dude.
Gus, you in here?
Hey, there you are, Gus.
Guess... guess what I just saw?
A motorcycle.
A large chocolate motorcycle,
right in front of my house.
Hello, Emily. Nice to see you.
I see that you've brought a complete stranger
who I've never met before in my life into my house.
This is nice. Nice surprise.
Mitchell, I'd like you to meet my friend lobo marunga.
Lobo, this is Lizzie's husband Mitchell.
Lobo? Lobo marunga?
Annabelle, light of my life.
I see that you've met our visitor from a foreign land.
Unkow!
Emily: How did you know that?
Uh...
How did I know what?
Emily: That lobo was foreign.
No one mentioned it.
He hasn't spoken.
Um...
Well, uh...
He is, isn't he?
You are, aren't you? You are, aren't you?
Very much so.
See, there you go.
Yes, but how did you know?
Body odor?
Uh, yes, body odor.
Yeah, uh, it was his body odor. He didn't smell American.
It was more of a foreign smell, yeah.
Hmm. Mitchell: I noticed it right away.
I'm surprised you didn't pick up on it.
I could use a drink.
I don't think Lizzie approves of you.
Why?
She had some crazy notion about me and her brother.
Really?
She told me not to fall in love with you.
Good advice.
It may already be too late.
I really better be pushing on now.
Gay?
Diseased?
Married? Oh!
Lizzie!
Lizzie! Lizzie!
I cannot do this anymore, it is over!
Over? Gus!
You are inches away from where you wanna be.
Once she's consumed by the whirling vortex of desire,
there'll be no turning back.
You can reveal who you really are,
and she'll be so far gone, she won't even care.
She loves you, Gus, and you love her.
She loves beard stubble
and a pair of contact lenses.
Marriages...
Long, happy marriages have been based on less.
It's over, Lizzie.
I'm pulling the plug on lobo.
This is not fair to Emily!
I have to tell her!
Emily: Trout, listen to me.
Trout: You're breaking off the engagement!
Yes!
No! Yes!
I think we should see other people.
See other people?
Why would you wanna see other people?
Emily, you're the only one for me!
Look, I know that this is very painful for you, okay?
It isn't easy for me.
There's someone else, isn't there?
Trout: Of course! Of course!
I should have known.
Emily: What? What?
Trout: Your stories have been late.
You never miss deadlines!
Deadlines? How can you talk about deadlines?
I always meant more to you as a writer than a lover.
Emily, honey, baby,
how can you say that to me, the king bee?
Emily, what we had was so precious.
It was so fine.
Emily, you were the best thing that ever happened to me.
Oh, trout!
Mmm.
You will still write for me, won't you?
I just couldn't bear to lose you entirely.
Of course, trout.
Okay.
Come on, it's time to go.
Come on, baby, one for the road, hmm?
Emily: Trout, try to control your grief, okay? Come on.
It's time to go.
Come on.
Emily: See ya.
Mandy, I told you to stay down.
Oh, like it's real comfortable
being squished back here for an hour.
Did you do it? Did you break off the engagement?
Did you? 'Cause if you didn't,
I think daddy's gonna have to seriously rethink investing in the grackle.
Yes, I did. I did it.
I told you I'd do it, I did it.
We're finito, all right?
I just couldn't leave her in an hysterical state, that's all.
Oh, cool! Yeah, keen-o.
No, trout! No more "one for the road"!
Forget this!
This is very, very demeaning!
Emily. Lobo!
I have something to tell you. No, I have something
to tell you, to ask you, two questions.
Are you gay?
Gay? No, I am not... oh, great!
Are you free of disease?
I've got an ingrown toenail, but, Emily, I am...
Don't talk. That's all I wanted to know.
God help me, I don't care if you're married.
I know that you're leaving,
I know that we'll only have this one night,
but I want it, lobo. I want the memory.
Emily...
You're leaving?
I have to go.
I know.
Oh, Emily...
Please don't cry.
I didn't wanna hurt you. Please don't cry.
What happened to your voice?
Emily, I don't have to go. You don't?
No.
But it would involve a few changes.
I'd have to become an American.
A green card marriage, yes!
Everybody's doing it nowadays.
And my accent, Emily... it's perfect!
It's amazing how you can do such a bland,
white-bread American accent!
Lobo?
That's not my real name, Emily.
Most people call me Gus.
Gus?
I'm afraid so. Gus kubicheck.
Gus kubicheck!
Oh, god! Emily.
Am I hallucinating? Emily, please...
Emily, please. Please, god, help me!
Emily, I never wanted to hurt you!
Get dressed!
Gus: Emily. Get dressed!
Look, look, I never wanted to hurt you!
That was the last thing I... oh!
Please, look...
Okay, okay, okay, it was wrong, right?
It was wrong! I mean, I wasn't in my right mind.
Get dressed!
Look, Emily,
I never, ever believed in love at first sight.
Keep dressing!
Then I saw you. Boom! I was down for the count.
Emily, please. Emily...
Leave! Emily!
Emily, please! Emily, look!
Please, just listen to me! Get out!
I thought I was gonna die for two years,
and then I find out I'm gonna live!
I've got a whole new life. Get out!
I'd wasted so much of my old one being timid,
not taking any chances!
And I wanted you in my life so very much.
So very much, I just became obsessed with you!
And then when I found out
that trout was gonna marry you, I went crazy!
I had to save you from him!
Look, Emily, please, look!
When Lizzie told me that I could become a different...
Lizzie?
Emily...
Lizzie was in on this? Emily, please, I'm sorry!
Of course! She made you into chance Peters.
Emily, please!
Emily! Emily, please! The handsome rogue fantasy!
Please, please!
No, don't you dare! Emily!
Emily, just let me explain.
Emily, last night was the most important night of my life.
I love you, Emily!
I just...
I just wanted...
I just wanted you to love me.
Emily: Oh!
Lizzie, I'm very, very unhappy about this!
Annabelle?
Is that you?
Annabelle?
Annabelle, pick up the phone, Annabelle!
Lizzie, you betrayed me, you humiliated me,
you made me a pawn in some warped game,
you plotted against me!
I plotted for you. For you. Big difference!
Not to me!
You just wanted to show
that you were right and that I was wrong.
That I was stupid enough to fall for one of your romance heroes.
Well, you proved your point.
I hope that you are very, very happy.
Now, look,
I'll admit you waved a red flag in my face,
but I wouldn't have done anything about it
if Gus hadn't truly, totally fallen in love with you,
and if I hadn't been so sure you'd be perfect together.
Well, who gave you the right to make a decision like that?
No, Lizzie, I could never, ever forgive you.
Well, join the club.
Gus told me the same thing.
He did? Mmm-hmm.
Told me I meddle too much
and ruined his only chance for happiness.
Well, you do.
You meddle too much.
That was the old Lizzie.
From here on out, all you moths
can find the flame on your own.
Lizzie potts is frying her own fish exclusively.
Well, I am still really, really angry,
so you tell your brother that I resent...
Tell him yourself. He won't speak to me anymore.
All right. I will.
What's his number?
He's leaving for New York.
New York? Mmm-hmm.
What is he going there for?
Oh, something about a fresh start, I don't know.
I don't ask, he doesn't tell.
Well, how long do you think he'll be gone for?
Couldn't say. All I know
is that he gave me a savings bond for Annabelle
to give her when she's graduated from high school.
High school? Mmm-hmm.
That's a long time. Mmm-hmm.
Well, it'll all be history soon anyway.
At 5:00 sharp,
when he leaves his place on caliche drive...
909 caliche drive.
Yeah, history.
So, you hate me.
In the abstract, yes.
But you're a hard person to hate in the flesh.
See ya.
J' ooh, whoa
j' take me back
j' I can't deny
j' the lovely love we made last night
j' I was afraid
j' until I realized
j' it was always you givin' joy to me
Gus!
No! Not now!
Come on, baby. Come on, baby!
Just one last trip,
and I promise then you can die.
Come on. Yes!
Yes!
J' don't ask me why
j' I suddenly realize
j'a little bit of heaven's glory
j' is shining in your eyes
j' don't ask me why
j' I suddenly realize
we can get him!
Ah!
Come on!
J' is shining in your eyes j'
Gus!
Ooh!
Oh!
Not now!
Oh!
Boss hog, darlin'.
Thanks.
Yours is quite, um...
Quite massive. Massively nice.
Thank you. Don't let it get away from ya.
What are you, crazy?
Emily: Gus! Gus!
Gus!
Lady, you're gonna have to move.
You can't park here. I realize that.
You cannot park here. Could you just hold this for a second?
Lady, you can't park here.
Emily: It's an emergency. I understand that.
I'll be right back. I'm sure it is. Lady.
Lady! Oh, lady!
So, is the flight from New York on time?
Could you please check the monitors?
Man on pa: U.S. air flight 204
now arriving at gate 78.
Emily!
Gus!
What...
What are you doing here?
I'm going on a trip. What are you...
Your hair! Yeah.
You look good as a brunette.
I do? Yeah.
I am. I am... I am a brunette.
Gus, we need to talk because I think I love...
Man: The line moved.
What were you saying? Nothing.
Did you wanna say something?
Well...
Uh...
Emily: Don't go!
Emily, I have to go. Gus, you can't go.
I... I... I think I love you.
Me? Emily, that wasn't me.
Gus, it was you!
It was you I danced with.
It was you drawing with Annabelle.
And last night was...
Okay, listen.
If you could tell me that that wasn't you holding me last night,
then I will leave and you'll never see me again, okay?
Oh, Emily...
Uh, this might not be so bad,
but it's going to hurt like heck when I staple the boarding pass on.
Oh. Sorry.
Emily, come with me.
One more, please, Emily pear.
To New York?
New York? Who's going to New York?
You are, Lizzie told me.
No, I'm going to kalamazoo for Randy grauer's wedding.
Kalamazoo?
Oh, I can't go to a wedding like this.
You're right. You're a little overdressed for kalamazoo.
Man on pa: Attention, please.
Last call, us. Air flight 1673
to Dayton and kalamazoo...
That's us... is leaving gate b1.
So, Lizzie told you I was going to New York.
Yeah. She meddles.
She meddles too much.
Emily? Yeah?
Emily pear,
I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.
You think that happens in real life?
I hope so.
All right, two points for the Gus-buster!
Oh, amore, amore.
Unkow Gus did it, oink-a-iita.
Of course, we helped a little, didn't we?
Yes, we did.
Can you say "aunt Emily"?
Unkow!
Unkow Gus and aunt Emily.
Annabelle: Aunt Emmy.
You spoke!
Oh!
Oh, piglet, you spoke!
Unkow, aunt Emmy!
"Mama." say "mama."
"Dada." "dada" is easy.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh!
Lizzie: Oh, wait, wait.
"Chapter one.
"His name was lobo, lobo marunga.
"His scent was a heady mix
"of earth and fire and...
"Sheepfi
J' don't tell her it's me
j' it's just a masquerade
j' don't tell her it's me
j' I've got to find a way
j' till only love remains
j' time and time again
j' I ask my heart
j' to tell me when to go to her
j' and tell her that it's me
j'and when I open up
j' my heart to her
j' will she be there to understand
j' this love that's in
j' my hand?
J' don't tell her it's me
j' it's just a masquerade
j' don't tell her, don't tell her it's me
j' I've got to find a way
j' don't tell her it's me
j' I've got to find a way
j' till only love remains j'