Keep your hands off me!
- I'll be with you in a moment. - Don't walk away.
- Doctor, I can't feel my arm. - Just a minute.
- I can't feel my arm. - I can't feel it right now either.
- Can someone feel his arm? - I can't feel it.
Don't touch my hair.
Kiss the boo-boo. Kiss the boo-boo.
- Hey, you're still here. - Yeah, I'm still here. Can you believe it?
Save me some coffee, you savage.
What is this, Alfred Hitchcock Presents?
- What's the problem? - Gunshot wounds. Shoulder, abdomen.
We've been paging you. You on California time already?
- I was in Radiology working on my tan. - Pulse, 120.
Get this guy typed and crossed, huh?
Okay, question: Beverly Hills, beautiful women and plastic surgery...
what do these three things have in common?
Me, in less than a week.
Okay, don't worry about his shoulder. He's probably bleeding internally.
Call Dr. Sotto, tell him to prep for O.R. I'm out of here tonight.
Convince me I'll be nostalgic for here when I'm at the Halberstrom Clinic.
- Halberstrom? - Cosmetic surgery for the rich.
- I'm not in it for the money. - Half a million salary when he's partner.
That high-profit stuff makes it possible for us to do reconstructive surgery...
on the needier patients. You're a saint.
- Got another customer over there. - I'll do it. My going-away present to you.
- What's the problem? - Too much fun. Substance unknown.
Okay, stay with us. Stay with us. What'd you take, man?
Bluebirds, dillies, love boats?
I heard Halberstrom might not even hire anyone this year.
Well, I'm not anyone.
Mulready, some of the guys are having a going-away bash for me tonight.
- If you're interested, I'd love... - Not in this lifetime.
- Clean up. - Thanks.
Come on, what do you say, guys? Dinner. Think about it.
Come on, it's my last night. A couple of lousy beers?
- Take care, man. - Guys...
I'll send you a postcard.
What?
At the risk of sounding schmaltzy, I just wanna tell you...
that you're a schmuck. I hope I never see you again.
Thanks, Tommy. I know how hard it was for you to say that.
You're a good doctor, Ben. I just thought you were gonna practice real medicine.
Think I'm making a mistake going to Halberstrom?
No. Cosmetic surgery is clean...
you make tons of money, nobody dies.
What's wrong with that, right?
Right.
Bye, Ben.
Oh, come on.
Look out.
All right, okay. Can I just ask you...
where am I now?
Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm okay. I'm okay.
Accident. Woman in the middle of the road with a cow!
All right. I'm okay.
Damn, my car. Oh, man, the whole front end is shot!
Am I glad you're here.
Is that a '56 or a '57 Speedster?
Fifty-six.
Hey, come on, get out. Will you get out of the car!
Get away from there.
- Took three weeks to build that fence. - I'm sorry.
Does this have a Super 90 engine or a 1600?
It wasn't really anybody's fault.
My insurance will probably pay for the fence...
and that should be fine. Okay?
- Won't be the same. - This ain't a kit car, is it?
No, it ain't. It isn't.
My name is Ben Stone.
I'm a medical doctor. I'm a surgeon.
Awesome. Who thrashed the fence?
I'm Ben Stone. Here's the address of my clinic in L.A.
- Did he say he's been stoned? - He says he's from L.A.
You can send a bill there or we can use plastic.
I'm not really from L.A. I'm just on my way to...
- You're lucky I was passing through. - What's in the trunk? Pot?
I'm a surgeon. Come on, will you get away! Get away from the car!
- Sorry. - Not you, the dog.
The finest fence I'll ever put up.
I know a Willie Stone in Stanton. Is that family of yours?
- I understand what you're trying to do. - This the new Mazda?
And I'm not putting up with any small-town bullshit.
Where's the dang engine?
Get away from this car! You don't even know where the engine is.
Got you.
Look, I'm sorry about what happened...
but it was an accident, okay? It was nobody's fault.
Get me to a phone. I'll call a Porsche mechanic in the next big city.
I'll get my car fixed, be on my way, and you can go back to doing...
whatever it is you do.
All right, I admit it! I flattened the damn fence!
What are you gonna do, lock me up?
Court finds the defendant guilty of crimes under code 453-19...
reckless driving, and 466-2, reckless endangerment.
- This is insane. - No, this is Grady.
Your Honor, there were cows in the middle of the road.
Now, I told you my insurance company would pay for a new fence.
I built that fence myself.
Neither you nor your insurance can pay me for a fence I built myself.
Next best thing would be a fence that you built.
- These hands are delicate instruments. - I doubt you could build a good fence.
Therefore, since you're a licensed physician...
and we are a town in acute shortage of medical care...
You wouldn't. Your sentence will be 16 hours...
of community service...
served as resident doctor at Grady Memorial Hospital.
I have to be in Los Angeles by Tuesday, so I don't...
Thirty-two hours.
- This is extortion! - You want 64 hours?
No.
Court is adjourned.
All rise.
- I am so fucked. - Watch your language, doc.
You're in the buckle of the Bible belt here. Try saying "fudge" or something.
- "Fiddlesticks" too strong? - Depends.
Don't you worry about your automobile, doc.
I always wanted an excuse to buy me a set of metric tools.
Sh... Sugar.
Hey.
I'm Dr. Benjamin Stone.
Nurse Packer. I'm assuming Judge Evans told you.
Fine. Here's what I need.
Comfortable bed, hot shower, warm meal, locker to put my stuff in...
Could you show me some kind of identification, please?
I'm wearing glasses there. I wear contacts now.
My hair's a little shorter.
That's a mustache. It's a bad picture.
If you could direct me to the physician on call tonight, I'll speak to him.
"When to call me:
If you've been stabbed, shot, poisoned, separated from an appendage...
knocked or beaten unconscious, run over by a tractor, mower...
or generally about to bleed to death. Otherwise, leave me alone."
Signed, Dr. Aurelius Edsel Hogue, M.D.
I'm in The Twilight Zone.
Zwieback and vitamin C in the upper cabinet if you're hungry.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is the best you can do?
No.
Oh, good, you're awake. Welcome to Grady. I'm Mayor Nicholson.
The second I heard a big-city doctor was in town...
I left that rehearsal, hightailed it over here...
see if I can make you more comfortable.
- We can do better than this. - Better than this?
Say, these your duffles?
I'm not claiming that Grady's no Paris, France, but we got two gas stations...
got us a Winn-Dixie, got us cable TV. Like tennis?
We got a new tennis court at the high school. You doctors play golf, though.
- Learning how to surf, actually. - Isn't this pretty?
We had this fixed up for a doctor we got through the want ads years ago.
- No one's been in it for a while. - Mayor Nicholson.
I'm on my way to California. Don't be thinking I'm staying here.
No, no, of course not.
Well, maybe not. Give old Grady a chance...
she might sneak up on you like a bee in a bottle.
Surprise!
- Welcoming committee. - I hope you're hungry.
Evening, ladies.
Ben Stone, this here is Miss Violet and Miss Lillian and Miss Maddie.
Ladies, this here is Ben Stone, M.D.
Fried chicken, boiled peanuts and sweet potato pie.
Catfish, biscuits, butter beans and watermelon.
Hungry-Man dinner. I'm a bad cook.
Well, I guess I'll just say adieu and come chauffeur you in the morning.
No, wait, wait, wait. Come on.
You can't leave me here...
in the middle of nowhere with them. It's getting late.
Don't worry. Only one of them horny. I'm not telling you which one.
Your face.
You want a cocktail?
So anyway, the high-profile, high-profit work...
just makes it possible for me to do the more important...
reconstructive surgery for needier patients.
And get a big house on the beach.
It's hard to believe. A man as good- looking as Dr. Stone should be married.
Maybe he ain't found his Adam's rib yet.
Maybe he indulges in the love that dare not speak its name.
- Lillian. - Will I go blind?
- It's moonshine, right? - Well, ouzo, actually.
- We took a cruise to Greece. - Not me. I wasn't invited.
It was one of those golden-agers tours.
Sunset Tours, honey.
- They ate the brains out of a goat. - Not me.
- We ate dog. - I didn't eat no dog.
You don't know that you didn't.
Dr. Stone, there's a legend about friendship quilts.
That's bunk.
Folks say that the first person to sleep under a friendship quilt...
will meet the one they're gonna marry.
Dream about the one they're gonna marry, and it's bunk.
What a fine hand he has.
Dr. Stone?
Oh, God.
Hello.
Hi.
- Good morning. - Is something wrong?
No, no, no.
I'm a doctor.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Hey, I'm sorry. Would you...? Do you want this?
If you're a doctor, I don't have anything you haven't seen before.
You can blink now.
All the boys from the state legislature come here, do their recreating.
Boy, can they litter. Presidents come here during the fishing season.
On purpose?
One look at all this, Ben boy, I'm sure you're saying to yourself:
"I have come to Grady at the most beautiful time of the year."
But, boy, these dogwoods, azaleas, when they blooming...
they can't hold a candle to the nuclear explosion of color come fall.
Nick, you're the mayor. You have the authority to commute my sentence.
Could you do that?
I'll make it worth your while. I get back to L.A., we could...
Why on earth would I wanna do that?
How am I gonna convince you to stay here if you're not here?
We need a doctor, you need patients.
Get off the interstate, Ben Stone.
Right?
Don't let the signs of prosperity and urban sprawl in downtown scare you.
We're still the same sleepy little paradise...
that big-city shrinks recommend for patients with nervous disorders.
It's the calming effect of Grady's natural ozone.
Fact, there's a world-class mental hospital up the road.
That's a comforting thought.
Ben Stone, do you like coffee? If you like coffee, we won't go in here.
- Is that him? - That's him.
- He's young, huh? - Come on, let's go.
Boys, this here is Ben Stone...
a Hollywood physician who's gonna spend a few days with us.
Ben, this is Mortimer, John, Aubrey. Probably don't want to shake his hand.
Sorty in the corner. Sorty got a cow that sings.
- You remember Cotton, Miss Lillian. - Hollywood. La-la land.
- Beverly Hills, actually. - Whatever.
- Well, William's been a movie star. - It was just an Army training film.
Come now, you were the star. You played the lead role.
It was about VD. I was the bacteria. Had a big scene with penicillin.
Yes, a death scene.
Take a load off, doctor. This will stop your worries.
Or start them.
So, what do you think of our town?
- I haven't seen all of it yet. - Yeah, you have.
Opportunity abounds here.
Growth rate was up .3 percent last year.
- There's no crime. - By the way, we are the county seat.
Fellas, no point in beating a dead horse to death. That's all in the brochure.
Ben Stone, we are prepared to offer you a permanent position...
as medical practitioner supreme in the Grady metropolitan area...
the squash capital of the South.
The salary's $27,000 per annum, and plus housing.
Twenty-seven thousand?
- You see, Nick, I told you... - Hold on. Thirty thousand.
Look, you people don't even know me.
I noticed right off that he double-knots his shoelaces.
- Excellent credentials. - Shows he's careful.
Anyway, don't you already have a doctor?
We got Hogue. The problem with Hogue is...
- He's old. - Old and wholly unpleasant.
Point is, he's not going to be around forever.
Thirty-five thousand?
But that would take a unanimous vote of the whole city council.
- All in favor say, "Aye." - Aye.
- I abstain. - You always abstain.
Look, I appreciate your problem...
but I'm not the answer.
I got a big job interview on the West Coast.
It's very important I get there in the next couple of days. Plastic surgery.
The truth is, they can probably pay me about 20 times what you can afford.
There's a lot of similarities between Grady and Los Angeles.
They're just bigger, is all.
- What do I owe you? - Ten bucks.
- Ten bucks for coffee and toast? - Got you.
Tell you what, why don't you wait to make up your mind...
till after the squash festival, huh?
All I'm saying, Ben Stone, is give Grady a chance. I bet you'll like her.
Yeah, well, nice meeting you all.
Thanks.
- Howdy, nurse. How you doing? - Doctor's lounge is down the hall.
You can change in there, then Lou will show you around. This is your time card.
You gotta be kidding.
- Local call? - I don't know anybody local.
Pay phone's in the waiting room.
Yeah, it's... No, it's a collect call from Dr. Benjamin Stone.
Stone.
Come on, do you mind? This is a...
personal call. I guess so.
Yeah, hi. Yes, this is Dr. Stone. Actually, that's why I'm calling.
I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it on Tuesday.
I just... There was a...
A medical emergency in...
They don't have a doctor, so I volunteered my services.
I'll need to stay until the situation stabilizes.
Yeah, medically speaking.
You're interviewing other doctors? Friday?
Yeah, okay, Friday. I can do that. No, thank you very much. And thank Doctor...
That was better tap-dancing than I've seen on Star Search.
If you tell me you're here for a physical, you're gonna make my day.
It's unprofessional to flirt with the patients.
I'm just on my way to Beverly Hills. Plastic surgery.
Not that you need any.
Nice try.
So is this the GQ look for young urban doctors?
Well, I've spent the last two years doing 18-hour days in the ER.
I find these are pretty comfortable.
You don't like them?
No.
Okay, fine. Well, I really enjoyed our time together here...
but since you're obviously not a patient, and I'm not getting anywhere...
tell me where I can find a guy named Lou, drives an ambulance?
I'm Lou.
Where did all these people come from?
Folks hear there's a doctor on duty, they come running.
Any old doctor.
Send them in.
Okay, Mr. Tidwell.
What the hell have you got on your foot?
That's a poultice.
- Nurse Packer! - I got a hold to Doc Hogue on the CB...
and he said that that will hold me till I came in.
- You did this on purpose? - Yes.
It's chimney soot, biscuit flour and lard. Doc Hogue said...
Wipe that crap off Mr. Tidwell's foot, please, and clean that wound out.
- You allergic to penicillin? - Don't know. Ask Doc Hogue.
Doubt Doc Hogue knows it's even been discovered.
Okay. Nurse Packer, I'm gonna wash this with Betadine...
close it with a butterfly, give it a sterile dressing.
You sure you ought to be doing that so darned fast?
I hope so, Mr. Tidwell...
because je suis fini.
Okay, Mrs. Owens, if you could please get up on the table...
put your feet in the stirrups.
We're just here about our mail.
It's from my sister. We don't read.
- This ever happen before, Mr. McClary? - Hell, yes. It happens.
This ain't nearly the biggest one I ever took.
I had a hook in my thigh once. It must have been, I'd say, like...
Oh, excuse me, I... Yeah, well...
- Fishing's a dangerous business. - Well, it can be.
"And after the cow died, there just wasn't any reason for him to go on.
Meanwhile, Ellen's got herself mixed up with a Pakistani gentleman...
who nobody can understand what he is saying.
Not even Ellen."
I don't see any toxic striations.
Red streaks.
You sure it was a black widow?
Here. I kept it in some T.P.
Oh, dear Lord, it's escaped.
- There it is. - Wait, there he goes.
- Here he goes. Here he goes. - Step on it.
"She thinks Ray's having an affair with the pastor's wife...
but Ray swears it's his scrub-up rash."
Ray is a nut, I'm telling you.
It's like a blurred spot in my vision.
Out there. No. There. No. No, there.
I'm cured.
"The pastor's wife got busted for growing marijuana...
out behind the rectory.
So she'll be spending a spell up in Tupelo at the minimum-security prison."
That's it?
What about Ellen and the Pakistani?
Nurse Packer? Nurse Packer.
Where's Doc Hogue? The boy can't breathe right, and he's turning blue.
I'm the doctor here.
Nurse Packer, you've got to call Doc Hogue.
- Please. - It's all right. I'm the doctor.
- How long has he been like this? - All afternoon.
- What's his name? - Zeb.
Hey, Zeb, this is going to be a little cold, all right?
I just wanna hear your heart.
Does your tummy hurt?
All right, take him down to the examination room. I'll be right there.
You know where that is? Right there, okay?
Have Zeb get up on the table for me.
- Call Hogue. Get him here. - He doesn't like to be disturbed.
I really don't care. Forget Hogue. What's the referral hospital?
- Athens General. - Call Athens General.
We have a cardiac emergency. Tell Lou to fire up the ambulance.
No, forget it. They have a helicopter. Tell them to send it.
- Get me Zeb's medical history. - I better call Dr. Hogue.
Damn it. Listen to me, Hogue is not here. I'm here.
You do it.
Here's the situation.
Your son is turning blue because he has an abnormal mitral valve.
It's causing a back flow of blood in his heart. We may have to operate.
We'll send him to Athens General.
Dr. Hogue said you should give the boy a Coke.
He says he's probably got a bellyache and that you should give him a Coke.
Listen, doctor, I've got a boy here in cardiac crisis.
You can't treat that with Coca-Cola or Bisquick. We have to use real medicine.
I'm sending him to Athens General. You're his doctor...
so get your fat ass out of bed and go with him!
- How long will the chopper be? - Should be here any minute.
- Where's Stone? - Dr. Hogue.
What the hell kind of snot-nosed puppy doctor are you anyway?
Wake me up, scare these folks out of their skivvies.
Mitral valve regurge.
I've had a lot of experience with it in ER. I've even assisted in surgery to correct.
God only knows how long he's had this, but you overlooked it. Check his color.
Nurse Packer, get that crap off the boy.
Gene, you gave him the bismuth subnitrate, didn't you?
- At first we thought... - You gave him too much as usual.
Turned him three shades of blue.
- Bismuth subnitrate? - Homegrown antacid.
You hear a heart murmur?
No, it's hard to detect.
You been sampling your daddy's chaw?
That will be 65 cents.
Well, nice work, Hollywood.
You were about to open the chest of a 6-year-old boy...
to cure a case of diarrhea. Now, listen up, smart-ass.
Next time I tell you how to treat a patient of mine...
you better damn well do it, doctor.
I doubt you'd know crap from Crisco.
Hey.
Yeah, right.
Shit!
Wait. Wait. Hold your horses, doc.
Now, what if I walked in in the middle of a hernia operation...
see some poor gentleman's guts all over?
- You killed my car. - I resent that.
That car was my life, Melvin. That car was my baby.
You want me to stop now? I can put it in some boxes...
ship it out to Hollywood for you. No skin off my nose.
You and me called it an oil pump casing.
Lane had two years of the German language in high school.
Doc, let's step into my office.
I don't need a car. I'm moving to Los Angeles.
- What do I need a car for? - Lash yourself to the mast.
Fella up in Oregon has an oil pump he could air-express to us tomorrow.
Two hundred thirty-nine bucks, plus shipping. Only one problem.
Oregon exploded.
No.
He don't take credit. Or checks.
And tomorrow being Saturday, you can't just wire some cash to him.
Okay, Melvin, let me ask you this.
How do you propose I pay for this?
Well, I was hoping you'd pay me.
Then I can trade him for a front rocker assembly I got from a '68 Nova, but...
- You don't take credit or checks. - No, sir. I apologize.
How long will this guy in Oregon wait?
I imagine I could stall him till Sunday noon.
Now, he got another taker in Arizona, but I was first.
Stall him.
- Hi, doc. - Hi, doc.
- Morning, doc. - Morning, Ben Stone.
Howdy, y'all.
- Dr. Stone. Dr. Stone, I presume. - Yeah, that's right.
- Hi. - Hi.
Say, you're much taller than they said you were.
I'm sitting on a stool.
And you are?
Dying to get out of this town. How about you?
- Here's your breakfast. - I haven't ordered yet.
Compliments of the house. Don't let old Hogue scare you off.
We know you weren't aiming to kill that boy last night.
Wait a minute, you're not planning on staying in Grady?
- Only as long as I have to. - Thank God.
For a second, I thought they got their hooks into you too.
- Wait, you don't like Grady? - No.
So how come you don't leave?
With you?
Is that a proposition, doctor?
I better eat this before it's cold. Nice meeting you.
Thanks, Lillian.
"Prosser on Torts." "Civil Procedure." A little light reading this morning?
Did I invite you to sit down?
No, but you were going to. Southern hospitality and all.
- Now what? - Now let's talk about you.
Okay. I like my privacy. I'm a vegetarian.
I'd appreciate it if you'd take that slab of ham to the counter with you.
- It gives me the willies. - I didn't order this slab.
Now I suppose you'll say something cute to stall your retreat.
Maybe tell me about the big city...
all the things I'm missing living in this dinky town...
and how you'd like to be the one to take me out of it.
Isn't that why you're going to law school?
You want to get out of this dinky little town.
I'm not going yet. And I plan to practice in Grady when I'm through.
Yeah, it looks like a hotbed of legal activity.
Well, malpractice for visiting young surgeons seems promising.
Who's the green apple, Vialula?
- Henry, this is Ben Stone. - Hey.
Oh, yeah, the new croaker.
Hank Gordon.
You're in my chair.
- Boyfriend? - "Friend" friend.
- Need any life insurance? - What?
You should be vested in a term life program.
Probably a quarter of a mil to start.
Come by my office. We could run a "what if."
Or are you too chicken?
I read somewhere doctors have the highest suicide rate...
in any profession except dentistry.
- Is that true? - I won't underwrite dentists. Nope.
Never trust a man who'll put his hand in your mouth.
Well, I'd love to stay and hear where this conversation's headed...
but if you all will excuse me.
There's something else I wanted to ask you.
Do doctors know more about sex than normal people?
I need some ketchup.
I have a fair knowledge of animal husbandry.
It's all pretty much the same thing.
- Bye, doc. - Bye.
Women trouble, Ben Stone?
Squat here.
- Regard the Grady squash. - Looks like a yellow zucchini.
Nope. See, up until 1933, you had your Grady, you had your zucchini.
They're going at it, gourd to gourd.
Freak tornado accident wiped out a whole shipment of Gradys...
bound for, I believe, agricultural stardom at the Chicago World's Fair.
The zucchini took there. Never relented.
If it had gone the other way, no telling where this town would be today.
What are you talking about?
Timing. Same thing with women.
And with Southern women, they require substantial commitment.
You might have to stay here for six months, maybe more.
- Are you a betting man, Nick? - I have been known on occasion.
- Take me about a week. - Now, wait a minute.
- You mean Vialula in the center pocket? - Ten bucks.
Okay, you got it.
Feels like I'm fleecing you, Ben Stone.
Easy.
Hello, Nurse Packer.
All right.
Okay, let's get something straight right now.
I got eight years of higher education, one year of internship, one year of residency.
I'm $ 70,000 in debt.
Now I'm waylaid in this heehaw hell...
and you insist on clocking me in and out like I'm a factory worker.
Well, no! N-O, no! This is where I draw the line.
I believe you have a visitor, doctor.
Doc, my foot feels so good, I brought you this pig.
Okay.
I can't abide being in no man's debt.
This pig's all I got to give.
I'm already paid, more or less, by the hospital.
- I really can't accept your pig. - It's a done deal.
She's your pig now.
God bless you both.
Keep your animal outside. This is a hospital.
- Nice pig there, doc. - Thank you.
- Lovely pig. - Thank you very much. Appreciate it.
- Nice pig, doc! - Thank you.
Thank you all very much.
Ben Stone. Say, I think I just took away your last reason to go to California.
Norrisville Drum and Bugle Corps.
They played last four years in the Rose Parade.
I got them under exclusive contract to the Grady Squash Festival.
I'm not staying.
Sure, you aren't.
Oh, by the way, dinner at my house tomorrow night, 6:00.
- Dinner? - Didn't I tell you?
You're guest of honor.
Shoot a monkey. If my head wasn't attached, I'd need wood screws.
- Nice pig, doc. - Thanks.
Can I bring a date?
Well, I don't know. Can you?
This is Ben Stone you're talking to. Come on, pig.
Fine pig, doc.
Melvin.
Melvin. Melvin.
Hey, doc. We're just rehearsing for the pageant.
We doing a pollination rap song.
Melvin, listen.
I don't have the money for the oil-gepumpkin-hausen thing.
I mean, when I say I haven't got the money, that's not entirely true.
I have the money. I'm good for the money.
It's just a matter of accessing the money in a period of time.
Can we work something out, please?
This car has got to be ready by the time I leave.
- That your pig? - Yeah.
You want to trade? Pig for the part?
If you can part with the pig.
Good.
- Hi. - Hi.
- You just pick those? - Yes, ma'am.
They're protected by law. State flowers.
Figures.
I'm already serving time for the fence. May as well take my chances, right?
Mama. Mama, who is it? Who are you?
I'm Ben.
Emma, take these inside and put them in some water.
You're not supposed to pick these.
Use the plastic pitcher.
Yeah, she's mine.
She's 4. You wanna retreat now or...?
No, no, no.
No. Actually, I just came by...
because I need a date for dinner tomorrow night.
- Nick Nicholson's? - Yeah. How'd you know?
Can't poop in this town without everyone knowing what color it is.
I was fixing to have a cocktail.
Are you in a hurry?
Oh, man, that's tart.
It's called a " Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall," with a twist.
- Is that a Grady specialty? - No.
- New York City. - New York?
Yeah. I worked at one of those weirdo theme bars on the West Side.
Wayne and I went to college in New York.
Then he dropped out.
I got pregnant. He couldn't get work, so I bartended.
I managed to finish school, though.
- Wayne isn't still...? - Wayne...
is a professional dancer.
One of those exotic Chippendale things.
He's in Boston, Miami... I can't keep track.
He left me after Emma was born.
I divorced him and came running back here.
Wayne has this extremely high opinion of his legs.
You know, I just can't picture you in the big city.
New York.
It's like me...
- In Grady? - Yeah.
Well, peel an onion, there's lots of layers.
What layer is Hank on?
Henry Gordon's sweet on me.
And he's pretty decent and solid...
once you get past the " Insurance Rebel Without a Clause" routine.
Decent and solid.
Very romantic.
I can see you coming from half a mile away, Dr. Stone.
You and your slick city ways.
I suspect your version of romance...
is whatever will separate me from my panties.
Look, all I'm talking about is dinner.
In public. Wear a dress.
Panties are optional.
Well, I never have had dinner at the mayor's house.
Oh, boy.
And after all, how could I possibly refuse the man...
who saved Jasmine from the butcher?
- What are you talking about? - Tidwell's pig.
He was about to sell her for pork chops...
if you hadn't fixed his foot, made him feel guilty.
Emma loves pigs. You keeping her over at your house?
Lane, where's Melvin?
Where's Melvin? I want my pig back.
Did you say he went to church? At this hour?
Are you allowed to come out here? I can't understand what you're saying.
Melvin's gone to church. He's gone to Tylerville.
The pig got took to the butcher.
Melvin took my pig to the butcher.
What?
Mr. Crawford, where's my pig?
You know, Jasmine, my pig. Is she still alive?
- Yes. She's in back. - Thank God. Thank God.
- I want her back. - Doc...
I know what you're going to say. Do you take plastic?
Not unless it's wrapped around a stack of cash.
Maybe we can work it out in trade.
I don't know. I ain't been sick in three years, doc.
I got an idea.
Where'd you learn to carve like that? You're pretty darn good with a knife.
- Hey, Maddie. Hey, Emma. - Hi, doc.
You guys are pig-sitting for me tonight?
Hey, Jasmine.
- Who are you? - Don't tease me.
I'm serious. You look like Lou, but prettier.
I'm warning you, Stone, I could probably whoop you in a fistfight.
- Be a good girl. - Bye.
- Be a good girl. - We'll be late.
Not too much TV for her. She's a real pig about that.
Hi. Come on in. Welcome. You look fantastic.
- And you look handsome too. - Thanks.
Daddy's in the back yard tending the firestorm in the barbecue.
- So you're Nick's daughter. - Gosh, I hope so, I'm in his will.
Hey, y'all, look who's here.
Hello, Lou. Hello, Stone.
Check Hollywood for knives.
I don't want him operating on me later in case I sneeze or something.
Isn't this gonna be fun?
- Oh, no, thank you, I'm a vegetarian. - I know, dear, but I'm still hopeful.
So am I. Vegetarian.
- Since when? - Then have some of this squash, Ben.
Flesh of the earth. Don't be shy.
I'm not sure I trust a man who doesn't eat meat.
Don't be so provincial. Where's your sense of adventure?
I'd probably give vegetarians a better rate for life insurance than a smoker, though.
On account of that lower cholesterol factor.
Daddy, please, new subject. We wanna hear all about California.
I heard the women out there have their chests enlarged...
their thighs vacuumed and barf on purpose.
Not while people are eating.
Yeah, tell us about real doctoring, Stone.
You know, big-city medicine.
So much has changed in the 40 years since you went to medical school...
I wouldn't know where to start.
- Smart-ass. - Got you good.
- More squash, Ben? - No. I mean, no, thank you.
Out of the cradle Endlessly rocking
Out of the mockingbird's throat
The musical shuttle
Out of the ninth month
- Is this one of the long ones? - No.
Long ones?
Doc Hogue does the complete Walt Whitman...
if you don't monitor his drinking.
Down from the shower'd halo
Up from the mystical play of shadows
Man, I haven't seen this many stars in a long time.
I used to get so bored in this town, I'd try to count them.
I could've gone to med school.
Just the science part of it I had a problem with.
I'd lie on my back, sometimes Wayne...
would be on top of me doing the wild thing.
- It was hard not to lose my place. - God, that's romantic.
Then we moved to Manhattan...
you could hardly see any stars, let alone count them.
The stars I'd like to see are more of the two-legged kind.
Earthquake insurance is something I'm keen...
to take a whack at out there in L.A.
Talk about your no-brainer.
Collect premiums for a gazillion years, and if the big one ever does hit...
declare bankruptcy and retire.
- Decent and solid. - Nobody's perfect.
Hank, you gotta take Hogue home.
He's about to launch into "Song of Myself."
My Lord.
Never a dull moment, hey, Ben Stone?
I'll call you later.
Make sure you got home okay.
- Good night. - Night.
- I forgot my pig. - She's sleeping with Em.
I'll drop her off in the morning.
Greek death? Take the edge off.
Take the edge off what?
Me.
- You ran all the way over here. - Oh, yeah. I ran and...
walked. Got a stitch in my side.
Why are you giving me the full-court press...
if you're only leaving in a couple of days anyway?
You know, I don't know.
It's like it's some kind of mystical force.
Force or hormones?
Hey, come on.
All I wanna do is talk.
And get you sloppy drunk.
Honesty. That's a new approach.
I know. You're forcing me into uncharted territory here.
Hell, I might even try chastity.
Seems to work for Hank.
Speak of the devil.
Listen, maybe a rain check?
I never should have accepted those flowers.
What about tomorrow night?
Desperation. I like this.
Still, I wouldn't want the mayor to have to lose 10 bucks over me, you know?
Morning.
Funny. Funny.
Morning, doc. That's a nice pig you got there!
Yeah, that's what they tell me.
Hey, Mr. McClary, be careful you don't get another hook in your finger!
Don't worry, doc. We're not using hooks today.
It's all right. It's all right.
- He's a nice pig, doc. - It's a she, actually.
Relax, will you?
House calls are probably my favorite part of the job.
Just driving out into the country, seeing what might pop up around the next bend.
Rainbows.
Frost on the kudzu.
John Muir said it, " Most people are on the world, not in it."
What?
Nothing.
What?
Listen, you better let me handle this one alone.
- Obstetrical exam. - Okay.
"So Jimmy Joe went over to the Pakistani's house with a shotgun."
Excuse me. Jimmy Joe is Ellen's brother?
No, no. Boyfriend.
I was stumped on that one too.
"He stayed outside shooting holes in the fella's foreign car...
until Ellen came out and agreed to come back home with him.
It's the most romantic thing Jimmy Joe has ever done for her."
Tough one.
How's Ellen making out with the Pakistani man?
Get him, get him. Come on, Bubba.
I said... I said, no shots.
This won't hurt.
Well, I don't see an infection.
But...
Okay, hold still.
- What is that, a V8? - He did it.
You know, house calls used to be essential to every doctor's practice.
The only way to know your patients was to see where they live.
How they lived.
Maybe when I get to Halberstrom's...
I'll get them to institute some kind of visitation program.
Damn it.
Lou?
Hey, Lou!
Do you see another one? They mark their way with these.
They're too stupid or too drunk to remember where they were most times.
- Who? - Hunters.
Maybe this is the end of... Yeah. See, there it is.
That's where they sit and wait for the slaughter.
It's not like they do it for food either. God, it gets me so hot.
You wanna help me here?
What are you doing?
I'm urinating.
You just drop trou whenever you feel like it.
Well, it scares the deer away so the hunters won't get them.
Why don't you just, you know, say "boo" or something?
I try to spread it around. A little here, a little there.
Feel free to join in.
Anyway, it's not like I planned to be pregnant at 19...
but it could have been worse than Wayne.
Wendall Barnes.
You'd be interested in him.
He comes from a whole family that doesn't have sweat glands.
Really? I'm fascinated by the gland-less.
I guess it's genetic.
During the summer, they all sleep under the house on account of the heat.
That's a touching story. Really. Thanks for sharing that with me.
You don't see a lot of things in Grady, but what you do see, you see a lot of.
Yeah, I'm from a small town myself.
What?
Marionville, Indiana. Population: 2106.
Home of the world's largest steam engine.
But you told everybody that you...
No, no, no. Everybody assumed I was a big-city guy.
Nobody asked.
Anyway, I got out, and I'm staying out.
Have you still got your whole family there?
Well, they talked about leaving...
but my dad never quite...
They lived there, they died there.
For better or for worse.
So when I left home, I swore to myself I was never going back.
It's not the place, it's the person.
Be careful what you wish for, Ben Stone, you might get it.
What's that supposed to mean?
You never been back, not even to see your friends?
Well, who's got time for friends?
No, you gotta get Dr. Stone back here ASAP.
We got a possible coronary emergency.
- Can't Doc Hogue handle this? - /t is Hogue. Over.
- Hey, lie down. - Oh, crap, I'm doomed.
Lie down now. You're having a heart attack.
My angina's acting up is all.
- Got any nitro pills down there? - No, get a bolus of Lidocaine.
I'm the senior sawbones around here.
PVCs are too close to your T-waves. In 30 seconds, you're in trouble.
Get him away from me.
If I'm wrong, Lidocaine won't hurt. If you're wrong, it's a ventricular fib.
I'm never wrong.
Get the defibrillator over here.
Never wrong.
Four hundred watts.
Clear. Clear!
Heartbeat.
- Sixty. - Wow, you mean he actually has one.
Keep him on oxygen and set the Lidocaine drip.
Guess I'm staying here tonight.
Oh, doctor.
I've got your bed ready.
Right.
Sleep well, doctor.
At which point, all the bees, including Melvin...
lunged off the edge of the stage like lemmings.
- A standing ovation. - Variations on a theme.
Sorry I missed it.
That's the first squash pageant that I missed in 15 years.
What's going on here?
It's called moral support for the recovering patient.
Cherry cobbler, Ben?
Everybody out. Let's go. Come on, visiting hours are over.
Don't mind Doc Hollywood. He doesn't know what it means to be beloved.
If you've come to clean the room, my bedpan's ripe.
Oh, no. Not Maddie's sweet potato pie.
You can razz me all you want, doc.
I saved your life last night.
You know it, and I know it.
Gotcha.
Dr. Halberstrom, please. It's Ben Stone calling.
It's regarding...
I'm not gonna be able to make my interview on Friday.
I realize the doctor has a tight schedule. I'm not gonna be able to leave without...
Right.
Is there any way that he can reschedule the appointment for another time?
All right. Thanks a lot.
Here you go. Get hot and take a shot. Get hot and take a shot.
What's the object of this one, pal?
Ten shots a dollar. Five bull's-eyes win a possum.
- Suppose I was to hit five out of five. - I'll give you two possums.
Sir, run Henry a tab. He feels deadly today.
Evening, Dr. Stone.
Hey, doc.
The new one's in. Your chariot's good as new.
Or good as new used, since it's old.
- You fixed my car? - Even all the ashtrays.
Oh, man, I can't believe this.
Melvin, thanks, man.
There's always some extra parts...
when I put them back together. I don't know why.
But you go ahead on. Keep them.
- Dance with me or I'm dog food. - What?
- Wendall Barnes. - Of the gland-less Barnes?
- Jesus. - Yeah. Come on.
Absolutely.
You see, the trick...
is just to visualize the target on the backs of your eyeballs...
and then pretend you're just shooting yourself in the eye.
I can't keep up.
How's Hogue?
Meaner than ever.
Dance?
Where's Hank?
I forget.
The music stopped.
What music?
Dr. Stone.
- I have a present for you. - Thanks, judge.
I want to thank you for saving my old friend Hogue's miserable life.
I wouldn't be able to call myself a Christian...
if I didn't pardon you on the remainder of your sentence.
You're free to go whenever you want.
What I wouldn't give to be young on the road...
footloose and fancy-free.
Did I tell you? I've already got plans for a new fence.
All of a sudden, I got a bug in my ear...
for one of those solid-oak numbers with curly tops.
Victory.
Did you kill that critter all by yourself?
Very funny.
Don't you have some urgent business thousands of miles away from here?
Vialula, your daughter was dumping grasshoppers in the punch bowl again.
Only two.
- Shake a leg with the judicial branch? - Why, I'd love to. Thank you.
Would you hold this possum?
I think it's time I reacquainted your mama with some real dancing.
No offense, Hollywood.
When you gonna bring your pig back around?
Hey there, Ben Stone. Hey, how are you?
Been looking for you. What a great day.
Boy, this is it.
The pinnacle of existence, the grandeur of Grady.
Sap of life. Couldn't be happier if I was twins.
- You put on a hell of a festival, mayor. - Ain't you nice to say so.
Ben, let's talk turkey. Or squash, as it were.
- About what? - Home.
Heart.
Happiness.
You belong here, Ben Stone.
Breaks my heart to think of you out there in the land of lunatics.
I'm danged if I'll let you go without holding up a mirror to your face.
Like that smile of contentment there. So you see that? See there?
That's a face that's liked and loved. A face with friends and a future.
Can't find some other way to force me to stay?
Ben.
I am everything but devious.
Mayor, could you come check these ribs and tell me if they're done?
I sure can.
Rigors of the job, huh?
Well, you got your fire way too high, I'll tell you that.
Well, don't do that.
Come on, come on.
- Hi, doc. - Gentlemen.
Careful with those things.
I know I shouldn't be doing this because you're leaving, but I don't care.
I can't help it.
So get in.
- Do you mean what I think you mean? - Just get in if you're gonna get in.
Lou, I gotta be honest with you.
Rowing a boat is not what I had in mind.
Not bad, huh?
Incredible.
- What was that? - Freshwater mullet.
They see the sparks from the skyrockets, think it's food and jump for it.
That's scary.
Maybe I could...
sit next to you, and you could protect me.
No. You'll throw us off balance.
I want you off balance.
- He's in the boat! - Hold still.
- Get him. - Watch it, you'll tip us over.
- Get him, Lou. - Okay, I got it.
You did that on purpose.
All right, I admit it.
I worked my way through college by training bass.
Lou?
It's okay.
Listen, if you don't wanna...
Ben, I don't think I've ever wanted anything more in my entire life, ever.
I'm just not used to being a one-night stand.
You don't have to be. I mean, I could...
No. I wouldn't know what to do with myself in Los Angeles.
There are too many choices.
Let's not think about it, okay?
I can't do this.
Mind walking from here? I don't wanna give the gossips any more fat to chew.
Right.
Don't worry, Benjamin, it'll all work out.
Hey, Jasmine.
Hey, Hank.
You've made me real mad.
About what?
What do you think?
I know you were out on that lake with her.
It makes me sick to think of you and her.
- Nothing happened. - Oh, right.
Nothing happened!
Come on, tough guy! Come on, country boy!
You wanna take a shot at me, huh? Come on!
- What are you doing? - Come on, country boy, get up! Let's go.
Are you paranoid or something?
No.
But I'm a little confused.
I suppose you and her will be getting married now.
It's the Southern way.
Man and woman as one.
Make sacrifices to build equity in a future that has security.
Why do you sound like a Mutual of Omaha ad?
Fine, joke it up.
At least I was prepared to marry her.
She's not in love with you.
Okay. That's the only roadblock, though.
Let me ask you something.
Don't you think a guy is entitled to choose his own destiny?
Whether it's in a small town or even in California.
It's just that he shouldn't have it handed to him.
Not like it's a... You know, like...
A hat?
Right. Okay, good. Like a hat.
Your father and your grandfather wore it, now you're stuck with it.
Only the damn thing is too small. It just doesn't fit.
- I hate a tight hat. - There's a lot of hats out there.
And even if this one fits...
and I'm not saying that it does...
how do you know it's the right one when you haven't tried any others on?
I sure haven't.
I mean, that's what I'm talking about.
I just don't wanna screw up her life.
You know, Hollywood...
sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
And maybe... Maybe it's in California.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
- Well, I'm glad we got that cleaned up. - Me too, Hank.
Don't that take the rag off the bush?
Don't forget what I told you.
Hey, please!
Shit.
Dr. Stone.
Mary. Decided to drop by, see how you were doing.
No damn good. Water's broke. I hurt. This ain't like none of the others.
They never are.
Did Doc Hogue tell you this baby might come out the wrong way?
He's coming. He don't care which way.
- Fiddlesticks. Don't push, Mary. - I can run, get an ambulance.
There's no time for that. Go into my duffle bag, there's four clean shirts.
Get them and rip them into even pieces.
Listen, Mary, don't push. I know you want to, but don't push.
I'll try to turn him around so he comes the right way.
Is it these ones?
- "Aramana"? - Armani. Those are the ones.
Okay, now. Now! That's it. Great. Great. Great.
Okay, okay, okay.
Now go! Push. Push, Mary. You're doing great.
I got a leg. I got a leg.
All right. Go ahead, go ahead.
Someone's coming.
Doc, someone's coming.
Okay, all right.
Push! Push, Mary!
Doc, your car.
What do I do?
Okay.
- Good girl! - What do I do?
Push, Mary.
It's a girl!
I think I can fix that.
- You rang? - First breech you ever delivered?
First baby I ever delivered.
By myself.
- Whiskey? - No, thanks.
In fact, I wouldn't recommend that for you, either.
You're not my doctor, and you're not my wife...
so I guess you don't have very much to say about it.
You're not fixing to stay, huh, Stone?
Changed your mind, huh?
Now that your car's all busted to bubkes...
and you're feeling pretty good about yourself in general, huh?
Come here.
I had them up once.
Over 700 babies I delivered in this town over the years.
Nurse Packer.
She popped right out complete with teeth and hair and bit me. An omen.
Nicholson.
Hank.
I gave them birth, saw them through every sneeze and sniffle...
and sometimes even walked them to the gravesite.
They're pretty well my portfolio, Stone.
That and an old car, an old house.
I wouldn't trade any of them for gold.
Well, maybe gold.
Or cash money.
- Hey. - Doc.
Hey, Mary, how's our girl?
We decided she's gonna be "Benjamina," after you.
What?
Thank you.
There's an obstetrician coming up from Athens General later...
just to make sure everything's okay.
Benjamina.
Yo, doc, I wanted to just thank you for, you know, everything...
so I made you this in appreciation.
I know it ain't very much, so if there's ever anything at all I can do for you...
Just let me know what happens with Ellen, Jimmy Joe and the Pakistani.
I heard what happened last night. You did great.
- I didn't know what I was doing. - Well, sometimes that's the best way.
There's something that I wanted to say.
Something I wanted to say to you first. Is that okay?
So I've been doing a lot of thinking about last night.
Last night was really difficult.
Everything's all turned around now. I've been thinking about you and me...
and big cities, small towns... Well, I'm gonna marry Hank.
I've decided.
It's a plane ticket to Los Angeles.
The whole town chipped in.
We've kept you here this long, and if you wait for Melvin to fix your car again...
You got Los Angeles waiting for you.
I've got Emma. It's not fair to you.
Hank's steady, and he's here.
You...
You're like a big, bright shooting star and you're right, Ben, you'd burn out here.
Wait a minute.
Well, Ben Stone, you have five minutes to say goodbye to Shangri-la.
Cotton will give you a police escort to the airport.
We made you a sack lunch.
Airplane food can cause gas.
I guess I'll watch after your pig.
Just hope she takes to the farm after living in town like this.
Appreciate it.
A lot of folks around here gonna miss you.
I don't mean me. But a lot of folks.
Adieu.
Back to the interstate, Ben Stone, huh?
Back to the interstate.
You okay?
Oh, yes, I am fine.
Good morning, Halberstrom Clinic. Could you hold, please.
Good morning, Halberstrom Clinic. Good morning, Halberstrom Clinic.
Oh, hold. Yes, doctor.
- Mr. Stone? - Dr. Stone.
Dr. Halberstrom can see you now.
Do you have any idea how many applications I went through this year?
Yes, sir. That's why I knew this interview was important.
I would've been here earlier if I could've been. I think...
I know you're a great surgeon, Stone. That whole pile is full of great surgeons.
Did you expect special consideration...
because we're from the same hometown?
- Because I knew your father? - No, sir.
Good. Because you didn't get shit.
You wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for a call I got from Dr. Aurelius Hogue.
Dr. Hogue called you?
I saw two doctors last week with more experience than you...
and better board certification scores.
Dr. Hogue's a piece of work, isn't he?
What did he say?
That you were doing volunteer family practice down South somewhere.
Yes. Yeah. Yes, yes, that's right.
Went there to get that small-town chip off your shoulder, didn't you?
- Yeah. - Well, you're braver than I was, Stone.
Any case, Hogue said you were, quote:
"One hellaciously fine physician."
That I would be " a bovine, clodpated, citified moron"...
if I didn't hire you on the spot.
I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget.
So I guess you're in, Stone. Congrats.
What time do I tee off?
You do play golf, don't you?
Great. Don't worry about that. It's not anywhere you can see it.
The secret to this business is to get a good pace going for yourself.
Nobody likes to admit it, but medicine's a volume business.
Ninety-nine percent of what we do is boilerplate surgery.
It means we can afford the one percent that's meaningful.
Disfigurements, birth defects, hare lips.
Cleft palates. You live for those moments.
The bigger you get, the bigger the nut.
We're a service industry. Comes with the territory. Fixed costs, specialization.
People adjust to it or fail. Look at cable TV.
You're gonna see some changes, Stone.
Stone, see if patient number 434 is in preop yet.
We can squeeze one more in before lunch, don't you think?
Hi. This is the National Weather Service forecast...
for the greater Grady area tomorrow.
There'll be plenty of sunshine and blue skies.
The old temperature should be in the 90s again...
but a cool afternoon breeze will make it all worthwhile come evening.
Y'all look out for the lightning bugs after sunset.
- Actress alert. - Excuse me.
Some girl called for you.
Said you'd know who it was, said she'd meet you at this bar.
Like, as if you're gonna rush right over there. Right.
Totally unbelievable Southern accent. An actress, I'll bet.
- Hi. Can I help you? - I'm supposed to meet someone, a girl.
Ben.
Nancy Lee?
Well, I had to give it a shot, you know. I just thought, just in case.
Guess not.
You...
You drove all this way just to bring me my car?
Sort of.
Well, I mean, it gave me an excuse to get the hell out of Grady.
Pardon my French. Things were bad before...
but since you left, they got positively stagnant.
- How's Hogue? - Well, he's the same.
- Melvin? - Same.
How's your dad?
Why don't you ask me about Vialula?
What's there to ask, really? I guess she and Hank are...
You're in my chair.
Slide a bit, Nancy Lee.
There's a man in the toilet selling aftershave. Now, what's that all about?
Hank.
What are you doing here?
Took my own advice, doc. Knowing when to stay, when to get out.
I thought you and Lou were gonna get...
Lou was never gonna marry me. So I broke it off, clean.
You dumped her?
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...
even if it's in California. Sense of higher purpose, you know?
Is that a star?
No, that's Ted Danson.
I'm going for breakfast. You want anything?
How about Bob Barker?
I'll see what I can do.
Howdy.
You steal that pig?
I heard she was wasting away in this one-pig town, so...
And you thought you'd come back and rescue her.
Yeah. Something like that.
What makes you think she'll take you back?
Because I love her.
Go back to Los Angeles.
I don't want Los Angeles.
I want you.
You got great tonsils.
That ain't all.
I just thought of something. I can collect that $ 10 from Nicholson.
- You lost that bet. - I did not.
- Who says? - Me.
- You have no say. You are the bet. - The bet was for one week. You lost.
It's your word against mine.
You would sully my reputation for 10 measly dollars?
Absolutely. I don't even know what "sully" means.