Balls to the wall: Montana's Testicle Festival has them by the sac-full.

A pretty blonde tilts her cowboy hat farther back on her head. This is so she can deep throat a cowboy without her hat brim hitting him in the gut.

This is on stage, in a crowded bar. Both of them are naked and smeared with chocolate pudding and whipped cream. This, they call the "Co-Ed Body Painting Contest." The stage is red carpet. The lights, fluorescent. The crowd chants, "We want head! We want head!"

The cowboy sprays whipped cream in the crack of the blonde's butt and eats. The blonde masturbates him with a handful of chocolate pudding. Another couple take the stage and the man licks pudding out of the woman's shaved crotch. A girl with a brown ponytail in a halter top sucks off a guy with an uncut dick.

This is while the crowd sings, "You've Lost That Loving Feeling."

The crowd is packed in, smoking cigars, drinking Rainier Beer, drinking Schmidt's and Miller, eating deep-fried bull gonads dipped in ranch dressing. This is the Rock Creek Lodge Testicle Festival just getting started. This is some 15 miles south of Missoula, Montana, where this same weekend drag queens from a dozen states meet to crown their Empress. This is why hundreds of Christians have come into town to sit on street corners in lawn chairs, pointing at the drag queens strutting in mini-skirts and the 15,000 leather bikers roaring through town on choppers. The Christians point and shout, "Demon! I can see you demon! You are not hiding!"

For just this one weekend, the first weekend in September, Missoula is the center of the friggin' universe.

At the Rock Creek Lodge, people climb the "Stairway to Heaven," the outdoor stage, all weekend to do, well... you name it.

A stone's throw to the east, trucks go by on Interstate 90, blowing their air horns as the girls on stage hook their legs over the railings and pump their crotches in the air. Half a stone's throw to the West, the Burlington Northern freight trains slow to get a better look and blow their sirens.

"I built the stage with 14 steps, "Says festival founder Rod Jackson. "It could always be a gallows." Except that it's painted red, the stage looks like a gallows.

During the women's wet T-shirt contest, the stage surrounded by bikers and college kids and yuppies and truckers, skinny cowboys and rednecks, a blonde in clunky high heels hooks one leg over the stage railing and squats low on her other leg so the crowd can reach up and play with her.

The crowd chants, "Beaver! Beaver! Beaver!"

A blonde with short hair grabs the garden hose from the wet T-shirt organizer. She douches with the hose and squats at the edge of the stage, spraying the crowd. Two brunettes suck each other's wet breasts and French kiss. Another woman leads a German Shepard up on stage. She leans back, pumping her hips as she holds the dog's mouth between her legs.

A blonde college girl balances with both feet up on the stage railing and slowly lowers her crotch onto the smiling faces of the contest organizer, Gary "The Hoser," while the crowd sings, "London Bridge is Falling Down."

In the souvenir shop, naked sunburned people stand in line to buy souvenir T-shirts ($11.95). Men in black Testicle Festival G-strings ($5.95). buy hand-carved dildos called "Montana Wood Peckers" ($15). On the outdoor stage, under the big Montana sun, with the traffic and trains honking, a woman uses a wood pecker on herself.

Every time a woman squats on stage, a forest of arms comes up, each hand holding an orange disposable camera, and the click of shutters is thick as crickets.

A disposable camera costs $15.99 here.

During the "Men's Bare Chest Contests" the crowd chants "Dick and balls! Dick and balls!" as the drunk bikers and cowboys and college kids from Montana State stand in line to strip onstage and swing their parts over the crowd. A Brad Pitt look-alike pumps his erection in the air. A woman reaches between his legs from behind and masturbates him until he turns suddenly, slapping her in the face with his hard-on. The woman grabs hold and drags him off the stage.

The old men sit on logs, drinking beer and throwing rocks at the fiberglass port-potties where the women pee. The men pee anywhere. By now the parking lot is paved with crushed beer cans.

Inside the Rock Creek Lodge, women crawl under a life-sized statue of a bull to kiss its scrotum for good luck.

Away from the main crowd, a trail of men leads back into the field of camp trailers and tents where two women are getting dressed. The two describe themselves as "just a couple of regular girls from White Fish, with regular jobs and everything." One says, "Did you hear the applause? We won We definitely won." A drunk young guy says, "So, what do you win?" And the girl says, "There's no prize or anything, but we're the definite winners."