A MOTHER'S CIRCLE
by
Jean Kunhard

"There are plenty of books that tell you how to warm a bottle and change
a diaper, but this is the best one I know to face squarely how you feel
about yourself..  An excellent guide on how to navigate in the world as
a parent. I'm going to recommend it to all my mothers as the first book
they should read."

Budd N.  Shenkin, M.  D.  Chief of Pediatrics Summit Hospital, Oakland
CA

"The topics are well chosen, emphasizing that there is no one right way
... As a practicing pediatrician, I am pleased to recommend A Mother's
Circle."

Wilson F.  Utter, M.  D.  F.  A.  A.  P.  Clinical Associate Professor
of Pediatrics Brown University Medical School

JEAN KUNHARDT, MA.  " and LISA SPIEGEL, MA."  are the founders and
directors of The Soho Parenting Center in New York City.

Their unique approach to family counseling and infant development has been
featured on TV and in a leading national pediatric journal.

SANDRA K.  BASILE has written for numerous TV productions.

CHILD CARE

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MOTHER'S

Wisdom and Reassurance from Other Mothers on Your First Year with Babu JEAN
kunhardt, MA.  " LISA spiegel, MA."  AND SANDRA K.  BASIL.  E

AVON BOOKS ^ NEW YORK

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AVON BOOKS

A division of The Hearst Corporation 1350 Avenue of the Americas New York,
New York 10019 Copyright 1996 by Jean Kunhardt, Lisa Spiegel, and Sandra
Kunhardt Basile Cover illustration by Synthia Saint James Published by
arrangement with the authors Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 95-40983

ISBN: 0-380-77802-5

All rights reserved, which includes the right to reproduce this book or
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Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data: Kunhardt, Jean.

A mother's circle: wisdom and reassurance from other mothers on your first
year with baby / Jean Kunhardt, Lisa Spiegel, and Sandra K.  Basile.  p.  cm.

I.  Mothers--New York (N.  Y.  )--Case studies.  2.  Motherhood--New York (N.
Y.  )-- Case studies.  3.  5fMother and infant--New York (N.  Y.  )--Case
studies.  I.  Spiegel, Lisa.

II.  Basile, Sandra K.  III.  1\4Title.

HQ759.  K85 1996 95-40983

306.  874'3'097471--dc20 CIP First Avon Books Trade Printing: March 1996

AVON TRADEMARK REG.  U.  S.  PAT.  OFF.  AND TN OTHER COUNTRIES, MA RCA

REGISTRADA.  HECHO EN U.  S.  A.

Printed in the U.  S.  A.  OPM 10 987654321 To our mothers, with love J.  K.
L.  S.  S.  K.  B.

^ ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ^

We would like to thank our families for their sustaining confidence,
inspiration, and generous humor throughout the writing of this book, To Fred.
To Irwin.  To Frank.  To Eliza and Suzannah.  To Audrey and Marts.  To
Giulia and Anna.  To the Kunhardt family.  To the Spiegel family.

Dr.  Marie Keith and Dr. Robert Coffey of the Soho Pediatric Group shared a
vision with us and have provided ongoing support in its realization.  We
thank them both.  Great love to Evelyn Dickey, MA.  , for getting us together.

For their mentor ship and guidance we are grateful to Dr. Anni Bergman, Dr.
Barbara Blum, and Bonnie Beck,- C.  S.  W.  Thank you to Barbara Melson, M.
S.  " ADTR, for her commitment to the Soho Parenting Center and her sensitive
work with families there.

j We are indebted to all of the families who have participated in Paren Talk
and the Soho Parenting Center.  This book in many ways is their story.  By
allowing us a win- dow into the intimacy and power of parent-child relation-
ships they have stretched our capacities for compassion and have helped us to
better understand ourselves.  We would also like to express our appreciation
to all those who were interviewed at length for this book.  We hope we have
done justice to their thoughts and feelings.

Thank you to Miriam Altshuler, our agent.  Her dedicaviii ^j A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE tion to this book, in all of its forms, her insight, encouragement and
efforts on our behalf have been exceptional.  And we thank Gwen Montgomery,
our editor, for her confidence patience, and sensitive editing.  It was
always an asset and a blessing to work with professionals who were themselves
new mothers.  For her skillful copy editing, thanks also go to Sara Schwager.

A personal note of thanks from Sandra Kunhardt Basile goes to Susan Kingand
Lisa Basile for their careful reading of the manuscript and for their
suggestions along the way.  For her early interest and encouragement, thank
you to Lynda Grimm.  For her sage advice thank you to Hester Kaplan.  For his
medical wisdom and his gift of time, I am grateful to Dr. Wilson Utter of
Waterman Pediatrics.  For teaching me about what makes a story come alive,
thank you to Peter W.  Kunhardt.  For their tender care of my very young
children, thanks go also to Mary Ryan, Bonnie Yoder, Shannon Guilderson, and
Esther Hayes.  Mille grazie to Francis and Gloria Basile for their loving and
generous encouragement.  And to the two people whose belief in my writing and
invaluable help were critical to the completion of this project, thank you
beyond words to my husband and my father.

Finally, the three of us would like to thank one another for being each
other's best friends, sisters, colleagues, mentors, lifelines.

This book has been a journey for each of us, with ups and downs, but
ever-present faith and mutual love.

J.  K.  " L.S, S.K.B.

Contents Foreword by Dr. Anni Bergman 1 Introduction 8 Note to Readers 12 1
Loving Your Baby and the Fear of Spoiling 13 2 Work and Motherhood Challenges
and Choices 37 3 Feeding and Nurturing Trusting Your Baby's Appetite 70 4
Changes in Your Marriage The Duet Becomes a Trio 95 5 Changes in Your Body
The Journey to Motherhood 124 6 Rock-A-Bye Baby The Importance of Sleep 141 7
The Legacy of Your Own Mother Old Conflicts, New Connections 189 8 Full
Circle Attachment and Separation 216 Foreword The renowned child
psychoanalyst D.  W.  Winnicott is often quoted as having said that there is
no such thing as a baby: there is only a baby with a mother.  Lisa Spiegel and
Jean Kunhardt's work with mothers and babies grows out of the realization of
the importance of the mother- baby dyad and the need to support the
development of both.

In 1959, under the leadership of Margaret S.  Mahler, I was part of a group
of psychoanalytic researchers who began an intensive, observational study of
mother-child pairs in an indoor playground-like setting in New York City
(Mahler, Pine and Bergman 1975).  Mothers came with their infants and
toddlers and spent the mornings talking with each other while their children
played.

Participant- observers moved about freely, interacting with both mothers and
children.  There was concern at the outset about how we would find mothers
willing to take part in a study that required them to come with their babies
four times a week to be observed, especially since we made it clear we were
not going to give them advice about child care.  To everyone's surprise,
throughout the eight years of the observational study, recruitment of
mother-child pairs never was a problem.  At first we recruited mothers 1 2
<-^- a MOTHER'S CIRCLE through a nursery school that was in the same
building as the research center, but before long they came on their own,
having heard about us by word of mouth.

What appeared to attract these mothers was the friendly, cheerful environment
where their children could play safely and where participant-observers were
avail- able to both children and mothers in a supportive and interested way.
Over time, we began to understand how isolated mothers can be, especially
when little community or extended family support is available.  New mothers
often feel very much alone at this time of critical importance to their own
and their family's well-being.  They often feel excluded from the world of
adults.  They experience a loss of their former selves.  Our study, then,
filled an otherwise unspoken and sometimes unrecognized need among these new
mothers for a community of support- I've adults.

An important aspect of the design of our project was the continuity of our
availability.  Because of this continuity, we not only became part of the
mothers' and children worlds during the years we were with them, but we also
became part of their internal worlds, remembered not for what we did or said,
but for our presence and continued interest.  More than twenty years later,
mothers and their now-adult children continue to participate in follow-up
interviews.

Even though the adult-children don't remember much of the actual study or the
people involved with them, they nevertheless derive satisfaction from the
knowledge that they had been observed and known when they were young
children.  Thus, these families are willing and often eager to resume a
connection that was first made during the period uniquely trans- forming to
both mothers and infants.

Foreword t--c^.  3 Winnicott (1956) describes the state of the new
mother, "primary maternal preoccupation," as a temporary stage necessary for
the mother in the care of her Newborn.  More recently, Daniel Stem (1995),
who is well-known for his studies of the world of the infant, has formulated
his thoughts about motherhood, which he portrays as a unique psychic
organization with conflicts and fears distinct from any others.  Stem feels
that a new mother's psychic energy is uniquely dedicated to the task of
helping the new baby to survive.  He speaks to the new mother's need to be
supported in this task by her own mother and describes how new mothers seek
the support and company of other women.

In our society there is generally not very much support given to mothers
during the delicate and challenging transition to motherhood.  A new mother
often faces extremely difficult choices about how to balance the need to
continue her former life, including her career, with her new role as a
mother.  Mothers may find themselves isolated and alone with their new baby,
or they may find them- selves isolated from their new baby whose care then
has to be largely taken on by other caretakers.  How each mother resolves
these particular dilemmas will depend on the nature and demands of her
career, her financial resources, the support her spouse and other family
members are able to offer, and on how she resolves the internal conflict
between her wish to maintain her former life and interests and her wish to
relinquish everything else in favor of her new role as a mother.  No matter
what the choice, some- thing has to be given up, and some loss has to be
accepted.

While it is true that mothers come to motherhood with an already-established
identity, it is equally true that 4 <^^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

motherhood provides new opportunities to widen and deepen and even to alter
the sense of who one is in the world.  Our original research project on the
separation- individuation process (Mahler, Pine and Bergman 1975)
underemphasized the new mother's process because at the time the thinking was
that the process was completed that the mothers had already achieved a fully
consolidated sense of identity.

Since then, infant development researchers (Stern, 1975; Brazelton and
Cramer, 1990) have more fully explored the interactive nature of the
mother-infant relationship and have coined new concepts such as "mutual
regulation" and "attunement."  We are now at the point where aspects of
separation-individuation theory can be rethought in terms of the phases of
the mother's development and her need to establish a new self as a mother.
Can we speak of the psychological birth of the mother as we are now used to
speaking of the psychological birth of the infant?

A Mother's Circle has emerged from the work of two dedicated specialists who
recognize the interwoven developmental experiences of mothers and babies.
Its eight chapters alternate between those topics which preoccupy mothers
about their new babies' development and those that deal with the changes that
take place in mothers themselves as they become immersed in this new and
unique phase in their lives.  I know of no other book that balances
discussions of baby-tending such as

"The Importance of Sleep,"

"The Fear of Spoiling," and

"Feeding and Nurturing," with issues concern inga mother's life that are more
separate from her baby, such as

"Work and Motherhood,"

"Changes in Your Marriage," and "Changes in Your Body."

The book's closing chapter,

"Attachment and SeparaFore-word <--<^> 5 tion," deals with the very issues I
have been emphasizing.  How much separation will interfere with the process
of attachment for both mother and baby?  How much attachment could interfere
with becoming separate, as experienced for mothers' circ lethe first time by
the baby and re-experienced by the mother?  These questions are also given
recognition in the chapter entitled,

"The Legacy of Your Own Mother," in which the new mother is taken back to the
roots of her identity as she begins to define herself anew by her experience
of being a mother.

While A Mother's Circle focuses on mothers and babies, interviews with
fathers are included in the chapters entitled,

"Changes in Your Marriage," and

"The Importance of Sleep."  Men describe their reponses to fatherhood, their
feelings about their baby's impact on their marriage, and the changes they
see in their spouses.  While in recent years much work has been done on the
father-infant relationship, this book contributes to our understanding of the
baby's impact on the father himself and on the intimacy of the marital
relationship.

The needs of new mothers have been met in an important and special way by
Lisa Spiegel and Jean Kunhardt, who have been conducting mother-baby groups
for nearly ten years.  In a safe and supporting environment, they have
encouraged new mothers to speak freely about their fears and concerns.  As
leaders and interpreters for these groups, they have allowed the internal
experience of new mothers to become one that is put into words, clarified,
and shared.

A Mother's Circle is based on Kunhardt and Spiegel's insights gained from
working with groups of mothers as they talk together about the new issues in
their lives that derive from their newly born identities as mothers.  Lis6
<^-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

teningand speaking to mothers in groups is a different experience from
conducting individual consultation, different in part because of the fullness
of what is communicated but different also because of the subtle enactments
that take place in groups.  A Mother's Circle communicates some of that
experience to new mothers who often have to struggle with these important
issues on their own.

I hope that reading about what other mothers and fathers say and think will
stimulate mothers who read this book to seek out places where they, too, can
share some of their concerns and fears about motherhood that would otherwise
remain unspoken.  A Mother's Circle will help mothers as they go through the
exhilarating and joyful, but sometimes frightening and lonely process of
transformation to motherhood, to begin to break the isolation, and engage in
the dialogue.

Dr.  Anni Bergman Bergman, A.  (1985) The mother's experience during the
earliest phases of infant development.  In Anthony & Pollock (Eds.  )
Parental Influences in Health and Disease.  Boston: Little Brown & Co.  ,
165-180.

Brazelton, T.  B.  and Cramer, B.  (1990) The Earliest Relationship: Parents,
Infants, and the Drama of Early Attachment.  Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley
Publishing.

Mahler, M.  " Pine, F."  Bergman, A.  (1975) The Psychological Birth of the
Human Infant.  New York: Basic Books.

Stem, D.  (1985) The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View from
Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology.  New York: Basic Books.

Foreword c'-s 7 Stern, D.  (1995) The Motherhood Constellation: A Unified
View of Parent-Infant Psychotherapy.  New York: Basic Books.

Winnicott, D.  W.  (1958/1956) Primary maternal preoccupation.  In Collected
Papers: Through Paediatrics to Psycho-analysis.  London; Tavistock
Publications.

Introduction Since 1987 when we started our practice, we have had the
privilege of getting to know hundreds of mothers, fathers, and babies as they
have started their family lives.  This early time in the development of a
family is a special and sensitive period, marked by growth, change, joy,
worry, and overwhelming feelings of love as well as of helplessness.  Our
work with the Soho Parenting Center has allowed us a window into the
complicated, intimate, and wondrous world of family.

We have seen relationships emerge, confidences build, and the fabric of each
of these new families become a unique pattern complex, beautiful, strongly
bound.  During these same years we, too, have begun families and have
personally experienced the unique and transforming nature of new parenthood.

Our educational and clinical backgrounds are in the fields of psychology and
child and family development.  We first met in the Child Life Department of
Bellevue Hospital's Outpatient Pediatric Center in New York City.  There our
work included parent counseling, play psychotherapy for children, and leading
groups for adolescent parents.  This professional experience as well as our
graduate work laid the foundation for our ideas about psycho- logical
development and parenting.  However, it was our 8 Introduction < ya 9 shared
experience of being new mothers that really in- spired the creation of our
parent-counseling service.  We provided many things for each other in those
early years of motherhood at home with our babies: close companion- ship,
support, and a never-ending, shared interest in the complexities of our new
families.  We swapped daily concerns from the most mundane details of baby
foods to the largest questions about the impact of our own histories on the
emerging identities of our children.

Our deepening friendship as well as our mutual professional interest in
therapeutic work with families led us to the decision to start our own
mother-infant groups.  We began by posting handmade flyers around our New
York neighborhood to advertise our first group.  We planned to address
important issues of infant development as well as to discuss the tremendous
impact that motherhood has on a woman's sense of herself.  Eight mothers and
their babies enrolled and then gathered each week in one of our living rooms
over the course of the next two months.  From the beginning the group was a
great success.  It was clear that these women needed to talk about the
dramatic changes in their lives: their ideas on the merger of motherhood with
work, marriage, sexuality, and friendships as well as about the intricacies
of a baby's sleep capabilities, eating patterns, and needs for comfort and
play.  The ability of this group of women to connect and share their diverse
experiences and to feel so helped by the group was inspiring.  The idea of a
center began to grow, a place where parents could get together and talk, as
well as receive guidance from child development professionals.  We called it
Paren Talk

On a lead from a colleague at Bellevue Hospital, we approached Drs.

Robert Coffey and Marie Keith with the 10 <- ^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

idea of associating our parenting program with their pediatric practice.
Coffey and Keith had started working together in 1982.

They had quickly become known for their pediatric expertise, for their
relaxed approach and supportive advice on parenting.  Their small
neighborhood practice has grown to be one of the largest in Manhattan.  As
the four of us talked together at our initial meeting we realized we were
each intrigued with the idea of combining medical and psychosocial services.
Shortly after- ward Drs.  Keith and Coffey set us up in the large, open room
adjacent to their offices and we started running mother-infant groups for the
parents of their pediatric patients Each year we expanded our program.  It
now includes mother-infant groups, mother-toddler groups, groups for
second-time parents, individual parent counseling, sleep counseling, play
therapy for children, long term psychotherapy, and marriage counseling.
Parents' responses to these on-site services have been overwhelmingly
positive.  The stigma and anxiety attached to seeking help of this sort has
been greatly reduced by having it available at the pediatricians' offices.
It acknowledges that all families will struggle at times and that help from
trusted professionals can only serve to enrich and strengthen parents.  In
1993 we moved with the Soho Pediatric Group to a new space, which houses
their medical offices as well as rooms for our groups and individual work.
To reflect our closer affiliation with the Soho Pediatric Group and the
expansion of services, Paren Talk be- came The Soho Parenting Center.

Through this unique collaboration of practices, parents have the opportunity
to have their needs as a whole family served.

As our practice has developed we have been able to follow those
once-upon-a-time babies through their school Introduction t--c^ 11 years.
We've seen friendships grow among the mothers in our groups and, wonderfully,
among their children as well.  We have had the satisfaction of hearing from
these women that our mother-infant groups had a profound impact on their
early mothering experiences.

Our professional practice has grown up.  But it really began in our own
little circle, the two of us and our firstborn daughters.  That circle has
grown, incorporating the pasts that created us and spawning other circles
that continue to help ease loneliness, share joy, tolerate confusion,
understand change, and express love.  And when Sandra Kunhardt Basile came to
us with the idea for another type of collaboration the writing of this book
we knew a new circle was about to begin.  Sandra has sensitively and
exquisitely captured the feeling of our mother-infant groups.  Her personal
perspective and sensibilities on motherhood have informed the book throughout.

Working with a writer who is not only a sister and good friend but also a new
mother herself has made our collaboration a rich and intimate one.

We hope A Mother's Circle will make you feel less alone, less strange with
all the incredible feelings that emerge after the birth of your first baby.
We hope it will help you to make sense of your baby's behavior and bolster
your confidence as a mother.  We hope it will encourage you to join or even
to make your own circle of mothers as you find your own style and voice, and
that you will bring us with you into that circle.

Jean Kunhardt and Lisa Spiegel Note to Readers The women and men in this
book are based on real people, real quotes, and real mother-infant groups,
but each character is a compilation of many individuals.  The names we used
in this book are all fictitious.  The group represents a sampling of new
mothers in the New York metropolitan area.  It is meant to speak to all
readers, but it is not representative of all mothers.  The babies in this
book represent average, healthy babies.  While A Mother's Circle is intended
to help you with all sorts of questions you may have about your baby's
development, it is not meant in any way to take the place of the advice of
the pediatrician who cares for your baby.  Having worked predominantly with
women, we have chosen to use "mother" to imply the baby's primary caretaker.
Fathers, we know, are stepping into that role in greater numbers every day.
This book is for them, too.

12 Loving Your Baby and the Fear of Spoiling It is as if a caravan has
arrived.  One after the next, women stream through the door of the Soho
Parenting Center.  Each is a new mother carrying a tiny baby.  Most of the
babies are small enough to be held in pouches or slings, and some are asleep,
close to the heartbeat and warmth of their mothers.  Each woman also
shoulders a bag overflowing with diapers, bottles, blankets, toys, and every-
thing else her baby might need.

Some of the women are flushed as they struggle to re- move their coats and
scarves and tuck away strollers and other gear while carefully maneuvering
their infants.  One mother is having particular difficulty.  Her baby is
crying out in sharp, piercing yelps.  The woman is trying to soothe her child
by walking and bobbing and singing all at once.  She speaks to her baby,

"Nell, honey, it's okay.

Quiet now.  " But Nell continues to shriek.  Frustration and embarrassment
cross the mother's face.  She looks self-consciously around the room.

The other women have started to settle themselves in a 13 14 c^- A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE circle on the carpeted floor, creating temporary little nests for
their infants.  Some of the babies lie contentedly on their backs.

Some, more active, wave arms and legs in the air.  One is nursing.  Two
sleep, as infants do remarkably well surrounded by noise and activity.
Although our offices are a part of their pediatricians' practice, the women
do not know one another.  Nor do they know us.  And our room is a new setting
for them.  As the mothers greet one another there is some of the shyness that
accompanies a new beginning.

The mother with the crying baby orbits the room.  Her baby continues to
screech.  The woman, whose name is Jessica, turns to us now with a look of
panic, and says, "I'm sorry.  I'm not sure I can stay.

Sometimes this goes on for an hour.  My doctor says she has colic.  My mother
says I've spoiled her.  I thought she'd be napping during this, but I can
never count on anything.  "

We try to reassure Jessica that we expect that babies will cry during these
meetings, that all of our talks are accompanied by the sounds of babies.  We
encourage her to stay, to walk Nell back and forth while we talk.  Jessica
agrees, apologizing again, and then turns her attention to her baby.

Over the last eight years we have led well over one hundred mother-infant
groups, getting to know more than one thousand new mothers and their babies.
Each group has its unique personalities and problems, its own dynamic spark
and chemistry, but there are common themes and voices that emerge which
connect each group to the next.

To observe and participate in the early development of these babies as well
as in each woman's unfolding sense of herself as a mother is a profound
experience for us.  To become aware of the important place these groups
Loving Your Baby <--c^ 15 hold in the lives of these new mothers has been
inspiring.  They become a place for humor, support, the breaking down of
myths, a place to admit vulnerability, show strength, grow friendships, and
share in the delight of watching their babies grow.  To watch each group come
alive is to witness a new birth.

Carried and bounced for five more minutes, Nell is slid- denly quiet and
drops off to sleep.  Jessica continues to pace the floor for a few minutes.
Then she edges closer to the circle of mothers, where she stands and sways,
cradling Nell in her arms.

^^ THE GROUP

There are nine women in this new mothers' group: Leslie, Marta, Jane, Ronnie,
Maggie, Alicia, Elizabeth, Nan, and Jessica.  They are between twenty-five
and forty years old.  All but one are married.  Each worked outside of the
home' before having her baby.  A few are back at their jobs, one lost her
job, two are still on maternity leave, some will work full-time as mothers.
Most are enjoying their babies.  Two say they feel almost euphoric.  Every
mother says the adjustment to motherhood is a challenge and each de- scribes
herself as tired.

The babies are between six and eighteen weeks.  There are five girls and four
boys: Eric, Sarah, Justin, Elyse, Jack, Keith, Lucy, Emma, and Nell.  One was
adopted, one pre- mature, one unplanned, one seemed a miracle after multiple
miscarriages, two were delivered by cesarean section.  One of the babies is
currently underweight.  One has colic.  Otherwise, each is healthy and
thriving.  As described by 16 <-^> A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

the mothers, each has her own trademark sweet, hungry, wide-eyed, happy,
cranky, willful, easy, sleepy, or hard to soothe.

^^ WORRY ABOUT SPOILING

Our introductions over, we begin, addressing the group as a whole.

"A

lot of new mothers fear they are spoiling their babies.  And a lot of new
mothers are criticized for this.  Jessica, you said your mother thinks you
have already spoiled Nell.  How about the rest of you?

Have any of you heard this kind of comment?  "

After a whispering chorus of "yesses," Ronnie speaks up.

"I couldn't believe it, but the nurse at the hospital where Elyse was born
told me I had spoiled my baby after her first night of rooming-in."

"Because of this," says Alicia, holding a pacifier as if it were a piece of
court evidence,

"I get it from perfect strangers!"

"I was at a party the other day and everyone wanted to hold Emma,"

says Nan.

"I didn't really want to pass her around.  A friend of mine said, in a
teasing kind of way, that Emma would be spoiled if I didn't let go of her a
little."

Mothers often tell us they feel like targets for comments about spoiling.
Perhaps the most commonly misused and overused words of so-called wisdom
given to a new mother are

"Watch out!  You'll spoil that baby!"  In veiled and not-so-veiled terms,
this threat is issued when a mother comforts her crying baby, when she rocks
and soothes her to sleep, when she feeds her baby "on demand when she offers
her a pacifier, when she holds Loving Your Baby -v-i 17 her frequently or
takes her baby into bed with her.  It is as if the mother has crossed a
boundary from the domain of good, responsive mothering into that of foolish,
even wrongful, over indulgence.  People warn: " You'll be sorry!  " " You'll
pay for that later.  " " She'll come to expect that.  " " He'll be a Mama's
boy.  " Or, they say,

"She's got you tied around her little finger!"  as they wag their own fingers
at you.

The women are quiet again and we prompt a little.  "Have any of you gotten
this message from your partner?"

"I have," says Maggie with a start, half-raising her hand.

"My husband tells me that I hold the baby too much.  That I have to let him
cry or he will be spoiled.  I can't bear to let Jack cry, but I'm beginning
to feel like maybe I am wrong to always pick him up.

"The thing is," Maggie continues, "my husband's parents are of the school
that thinks children should be seen and not heard.  So I understand why Tom
is the way he is.  But it frightens me because I'm seeing a side of him I
never knew was there before so strict and withholding.  I don't want that for
our baby."

"I know what you mean," says Elizabeth.

"You don't know what a man is going to be like as a father.  It's not a
question you ask on your first date: " So, what are your feelings about child
rearing?  " " The group laughs together, Elizabeth's humor helping them to
relax as they begin to identify with and support one another.

Alicia adds,

"My husband tells me that if I pick Keith up too much, I'm going to make him
soft.  He says

"He has to be a man!"  It's ludicrous!  This is a four-month- old baby.  "

18 <-^> A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

"The reverse is true with us' says Leslie.

"Vince, my husband, is the one who can't tolerate the baby crying.  Not even
for a second.  He says I'm too hard on Eric, but I'm afraid that if we go to
him all the time, he won't become confident or independent; he won't come
into his own."

Very often couples divide on the issue of spoiling one partner assumes a far
more responsive, often reactive, stance in contrast to the other.  Most
couples have arguments about the type and speed of response, or the need for
response to a baby's cry.  Superficially, spoiling may seem like a minor
concern, but it calls into question feelings about responsibility and
negligence, sensitivity and stoicism, dependence and independence,
permissiveness and discipline, safety and danger, giving and wit holding

You may be able to deflect unsolicited warnings about spoiling when it comes
from the bank teller or a stranger on the bus.  But when comments come from
someone as close to you as your husband, your mother, or a good friend, they
can play on your own insecurities.  The apparent logic of their arguments may
be hard to debate.  And your doubts may spoil your enjoyment of parenting and
the spontaneous, natural responses you have to your baby.

We like to watch the relief spread through our groups when we reassure them
that they cannot spoil their babies with love and attention, especially
during the first year, and that they should feel free to fully indulge and
enjoy their babies during this time.

Babies need contact.  They need consistent, loving responses to their cries,
most especially in the first year of life.  So when it comes to loving your
baby, you need not Loving Your Baby t--c^> 19 hold back.  All of your
holding, soothing, feeding, rocking, kissing, affection, and attention will
not spoil her.

"That feels like a gift," says Nan.

"I have wanted to give everything to Emma but wasn't sure if that was really
okay."

"I think what you say sounds good in theory," says Leslie to us.

"But it seems like responding to their every cry is exactly how we make
babies get too dependent.  It's important to me that Eric learns how to fend
for himself a little bit."

When a mother talks about her new baby's need for self-sufficiency, it
usually helps to encourage that mother to think about her own childhood and
how her parents dealt with issues of dependence and independence with her.
When we pose these thoughts to Leslie she seems initially thrown by our shift
in focus and becomes quiet.  Then she says,

"I was very dependent on my parents when I was little.  And I was thought of
as spoiled and babied, but it was because I needed them so much.  I didn't
have a lot of confidence, I guess.  I remember crying when my mother left me
at kindergarten.  Maybe that ;'s why I want Eric to be more independent.
But, won't he learn to expect it if I pick him up every time he cries?"

Babies do learn a lot in their earliest months but not about rewards and
manipulation.  In this delicate transition period from the womb to the world,
babies are learning fundamental, if primitive, lessons about whether this new
world is a responsive and nurturing one, about whether or not they have any
effect on their environment, about how their needs are met.

"So, picking up Eric when he cries will actually make him more confident,"
says Leslie.

By consistently responding to your baby, not only are 20 ^ -^ A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE

you satisying her needs, you are giving her the important message that she
has a voice that brings a response.  This sets the earliest foundations of a
baby's positive self- esteem and sense of confidence in relation to the world
as she knows it.  When a baby's cries frequently elicit no response, a
vicious cycle of unmet needs and escalating demands can be created.  She
experiences frustration and a sense of powerlessness.  She may later become
one of the babies and toddlers who is anxious, fussy, and difficult to
soothe.  Like everyone else, all babies have social and emotional needs as
well as physical and practical ones.  They need loving and attention as much
as they need milk.  They need bodily contact, comfort, and reassurance as
much as they need sleep.  When an adult soothes a baby, he or she helps that
baby to associate human contact with comfort, well-being, and bodily pleasure.

Running these groups for almost a decade has given us the invaluable
opportunity to follow a number of mother- child relationships over time.
Based on this ongoing involvement, we have had it confirmed for us again and
again that those infants whose cries have been responded to by contact and
comfort are most often the ones who cry less and demand less attention later
in childhood.

"\ adopted Sarah and I admit I probably indulge her, but that's what I want
to do," says Marta.

"Both of my parents have told me that I better be careful not to spoil her.
At first I got very defensive.

But then I realized that I wanted to be different from my parents anyway and
that they are from a totally different generation.  "

Most of the women in our groups were raised in the fifties and sixties,
during the blossoming of the behavioral sciences.

Pediatricians and child development experts advised parents at that time to
keep babies on strict schedLoving Your Baby <~^~> 21 ules of feeding and
sleeping.  The thinking went something like this: Once a baby was dry and
comfort- able, had slept and been fed, she should be able to be content.
Cries were to be expected and tolerated; they were considered good exercise
for a baby's lungs.  By going to, picking up, and comforting a crying baby,
the mother was rewarding her baby's crying and was encouraging more of the
same.  In short order, the baby would be spoiled.

If your parents warn you not to spoil your baby, it may be because they were
advised in this way.  They may have agreed with this thinking or they may
have dutifully followed their pediatrician's suggestions with mixed feelings.
The tremendous increase in and new sophistication of infant development
research in the last ten years have shed new light on the understanding of
what babies need.

Although times and the expertise have changed since your parents were new
parents, you too may have mixed feelings about the concept of spoiling.

^^ RESPONDING AND NURTURING:

0-4 MONTHS

You can assume in the first four months that your baby's cries mean she is
physically uncomfortable.  She is hungry, tired, has a bubble of gas trapped
in her belly, she needs motion or warmth or the right pair of hands to hold
her close.  You can feel free to respond, without letting the fear of
spoiling stop you.

"Elyse is a hungry baby and nurses a lot," says Ronnie.  "A lot of people,
including my husband, have said,

"She's always at your breast!"  Their mere tone of voice seems to 22 ^-^ A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

imply that I'm spoiling Elyse by letting her nurse on demand I understand why
my husband might feel territorial about my body, but why does anyone else
care?  "

"\ know.  It's amazing how everyone feels so strongly about it," says Nan.

"Everyone tells me never to bring Emma into my bed to sleep, as if it were a
crime.  It's actually the best feeling in the world when I have her in bed
with us.  But sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is indulging myself and
spoiling Emma."

In the first three to four months feeding on demand is recommended by
pediatricians.  And choosing to have your baby sleep in bed with you is a
natural option, reflective of personal preferences.  It is always a good idea
to gauge your own needs in relation to your baby's when making decisions
about your mothering style, but your relationship with your baby is best when
it is mutually nurturing and loving.  Ronnie and Nan's comments reflect how
provocative the mother-infant relationship can be when it comes to such
intimate matters as breast feeding and sharing a bed.  The intense bond between
a mother and child awakens sleeping giants of jealousy in husbands, parents,
siblings, and friends.

"Justin is a hungry baby too," says Jane.

"Early on I was feeding him every hour or two.  Around the clock.  So I was
constantly asking myself a lot of these questions was I indulging him or was
I doing the right thing?  Was feeding on demand making him too demanding?  I
never thought so, but I had to wonder."

You can assume great latitude and flexibility in the choices you make
regarding feeding your baby and her sleeping habits in the first three
months.  You need not worry about establishing irreversible patterns.  Life
for a Loving Your Baby <--^s 25 baby is an ever-changing set of stages
and a baby's roll- tine is infinitely malleable.

"What about the pacifier?"  asks Jane.

"I see three-year- olds with their pacifiers and think--uh, oh--I better not
let Justin get too attached to one.  When my mother sees kids with pacifiers
she says,

"I

never used a pacifier with you.  " I guess I've come to see it as a crutch,
too."

While feeding on demand and bringing a baby into bed are often appealing to
new mothers, giving a baby a pacifier is almost universally mistrusted.  Most
of the new mothers we meet consider the pacifier an unnecessary, unsightly
habit, responsible in part for spoilin ga child.  Some women say their own
mothers' negative feelings about pacifiers have influenced their thinking.

"I had always thought of a pacifier as something a mother used to shut up her
baby," says Nan.

"But now I'm a real convert.  Emma used to nurse for long stretches of time.
After the first twenty minutes, it didn't seem like she was hungry.  She was
just sucking to suck.  But I couldn't take it.  My cousin suggested giving
Emma a pacifier.  It took a while for her to get used to it.  She'd spit it
out.  But I kept offering it to her and after about a week she started using
it all the time.  Now she loves it.  I'm happier, too, for that matter."

Sucking is among an infant's most soothing activities, an important way for
her to discharge tension and help herself relax^ Some babies need to suck
more than others.  They may nurse for prolonged stretches, suck on their
fists, their blankets, their parents' knuckles.  Sucking on a pacifier may be
a wonderfully comforting, soothing, and necessary activity for your baby.

"Keith is making so many sounds now," says Alicia.

24 '-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

"Sometimes I worry that his pacifier will interfere with that learning."

When the pacifier is overused, becoming a parent's or a caretaker's first
response to any noise a baby makes, it will eventually interfere with a
baby's need to babble and explore.  Keep in mind that most babies' needs for
a pacifier will naturally diminish at around four to five months, long before
a baby is forming words.

"I feel like a human pacifier," says Maggie.

"My arms may be about to break, but Jack cries when I put him down.  He seems
to need me to hold him or rock him constantly.  But he's ten weeks now, and
sometimes I do worry that I'm spoiling him."

Just as some babies need to suck, some babies need lots of body-to-body
contact.  They frequently need to be held close and for prolonged periods of
walking and rocking.  If your baby is like this, by all means hold her as much
as you want to or can.  You may find it helpful to carry her in a front pack,
even indoors, to free your hands and keep the close contact she needs.  Just
as with a baby's sucking urge, this need diminishes with time and soon your
baby will be capable of more independence.  In the meantime if you want more
freedom of movement, you can put your baby in an infant seat or swing to see
how she fares.  Stay close by at first so it does not seem like a dramatic
transition.  With time you can gradually increase her tolerance for this kind
of independence.

Some babies also need body-to-body contact to fall asleep.  We tell parents
that for the first three to four months anything goes regarding sleep.  You
can rock or nurse your baby to sleep, let her sleep in a stroller, or with
you in bed, without fear of "spoiling."

"I worry that I'm not playing with Elyse enough," says Loving Your Baby
t_^c^> 25 Ronnie.

"When I'm not nursing her, it seems like I spend most of my time trying to
get chores done."

"I know what you mean," says Jane.

"There's not as much time to play as I thought there would be.  It seems like
I'm either nursing Justin or doing the laundry.  And then my mother comes
over and lavishes gifts on Justin.  She adores him.  I think it is her
objective to spoil him."

Finding a balance between the endless chores of motherhood and the tender
moments of one-on-one play and direct interaction with your baby is an art,
one that is developed with time.  Sometimes a baby will cry because she is
bored, because she needs company, stimulation, something new to look at.
However, a baby does not need constant, formal entertainment nor a wealth of
toys.  She has an innate drive to learn about her world and will be
stimulated by whatever you are doing: by the sound of your voice, by lights,
colors, and movements, by the overhead fan in your bedroom, by the sunlight
and wind out of doors, by the aisles of food at the grocery store.  If your
baby is content to come along for the ride, you can rela>: and feel confident
that she is stimulated enough.  Of course one-on-one, face-to-face play is an
important way of connecting with your baby and should make up a part of every
day.

The Need to Cry Babies cry.  For them, it is as natural as sleeping or
eating and is a part of their limited repertoire of activities.  At two weeks
a baby's crying will increase as she wakes up to the world.  And then this
will decrease again some- time around the eighth to tenth week as she
develops more interests.  Very generally speaking, babies will cry 26 <^-^ A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

for about two hours a day.  Whan a baby wakes and cries out, it is alright to
let her cry a little bit before immedi- lately offering milk.  In this way
you can identify what kind of crying it is.  We do not advocate letting your
baby cry without going to her, but small amounts of fussing can sometimes
actually help her discharge tension and energy.

Sometimes your baby will cry and you will not be able to soothe her.

She won't nurse, take a bottle, sleep, watch a mobile, quiet to hear you
sing.  She won't suck on her pacifier or your finger.  She won't be soothed
by the bouncing walk that always works.  You've tried everything in your
repertoire and still your baby is miserable.  If this describes a routine
that is familiar to you, your baby may have reached her limit for sensory
input.  She is overstimulated.  Her cries may be, in effect, a last-ditch
effort to block out stimulation.  If you think this is the case, you can put
her in her crib and let her cry, within earshot, for up to ten minutes.  Her
cries may sound particularly frantic but then she may quickly settle herself
or fall to sleep, in which case you can assume she was in- deed
overstimulated.

"\ think I discovered that by accident," says Leslie.

"It's an amazing thing.  It had been a long day.  Eric was cranky and
wouldn't stop crying.  I was just barely holding on, waiting for my husband
to come home.  Then guess what?  Vince called to say he would be late.  I was
so exhausted I couldn't think straight and Eric's cries were getting me
crazy.  So I put him in his bassinette and went and took a shower to wake up.
In less than three minutes Eric stopped crying.  I got out of the shower
immediately and went to check on him.  There I was dripping wet and he was
fast asleep.  I was surprised but really relieved to see that he had settled
himself."

Loving Your Baby < c^> 27 Hard-to-Soothe Babies In almost every one of our
groups there is a baby who has colic or is especially hard to soothe.
Regardless of whether she is bottle or breast fed, she may be gassy,
supersensitive to stimulation, or generally uncomfortable.  She may cry
continuously throughout the day or be irritable every night for a period of
several hours.

"Jessica, you mentioned that your mother said you're spoiling your baby.
What has that been like for you?"

"My mother has never experienced a baby with colic and, in her defense, I
think it ;'s hard to understand.  No one really does.  You can't imagine it
until you've lived with it.  But my mother is convinced I'm only making
matters worse and that I'm spoiling Nell,"

Jessica answers in a quiet voice.

"My pediatrician assures me that Nell is the way she is because she is
uncomfortable," Jessica continues.

"She says it has nothing to do with how I am treating her.  But sometimes I
think my mother is right.

I think Nell has gotten used to constant attention from me.  She screams for
hours sometimes.  I'll hold her and bounce her and she stops for a minute but
then starts screaming again.  I'll rub her belly and she stops crying for a
minute and then she'll start right back up, needing more.  "

It may appear that Jessica is catering to Nell's every whim and whimper, or
that she is not good at mothering because she is unable to console her baby,
or even that Nell is a "bad" baby because she cries so much.  But colic is
neither a personality trait, nor learned or "spoiled" behavior It is
physiological discomfort.

Mothers of fussy, uncomfortable infants tend to worry a lot about spoiling
because their babies require enormous 28 <^-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

amounts of attention and soothing.  A colicky or a high- need baby can make a
woman doubt her capacity as a mother and question her maternal love, to say
nothing of pushing her toward sanity's edge.  We ask Jessica how she is
coping with Nell's constant demands and if she has any help with the baby.

"\ wasn't prepared for this," Jessica responds, her shoulders slumping.

"I never anticipated needing some- one to help me take care of my baby.  My
husband's been helpful, but I think he's reached his limit.  And really, he's
not around that much.  My pediatrician has been supportIng've.  And then, I
guess I thought this group would help.

But in a way it's shocking to see how easygoing these other babies are.  It
makes me think I must be doing some- thing wrong.  " Jessica's eyes fill with
tears.

"My heart goes out to you, Jessica.  I know a little of what you are going
through," says Maggie.

"Sometimes Jack will cry for an hour at the end of the day and it's the worst
feeling in the world not to be able to help him.  By the end of his crying
I'm ready to cry myself."

Colic throws a monkey wrench in the whole business of soothing a baby and
often in the adjustment to mother- hood.  It is normal for a mother of a
high-need baby to feel upset, concerned, and frustrated as well as guilty,
angry, and disappointed.  It is natural for her to compare her baby with
others, to worry about her baby and about how her baby's persistent crying
reflects on her.  It is common for her to feel different from other
mothers, envious of the comparatively easy relationship between a comfort-
able baby and her less stressed mother.  Usually it is not enough to assure
her that there is a wide range of "normal behavior in young babies, even in a
small group such as ours.

Loving Your Baby < c^> 29 We urge Jessica not to continue trying to go it
alone.  We have found that when a baby has colic, her mother typically finds
it near-impossible to leave her baby with someone else.  She figures she is
the only one who could endure her baby's continual crying in a loving manner.
But very often mothers of colicky babies experience exhaustion and defeat
which sometimes can be followed by depression.  Jessica needs to let her
husband know just how hard it is for her.  Together they can make
arrangements for Jessica to have some time off, to get out of the house, to
refuel.  Nell's colic should pass in another four to six weeks.  And when it
does, life will change dramatically.

A Mother's Needs "Lucy's been fairly easy to take care of," says Elizabeth.
"But even with an easy baby I'm stricken with the idea that life as I knew it
is over."

It is common for a woman to feel trapped during the' first months at home
with her baby, especially when motherhood comes fast on the heels of a full
and varied work life.  Assuming the primary role in the intense and demanding
relationship with a new baby can even feel oppressive at times.  Add to this
the premise that a baby cannot be spoiled in the first year and you may feel
stretched beyond your capacity to give.  But being a responsive parent doesn't
mean giving one hundred percent of yourself one hundred percent of the time.
You have needs, too, and natural limits to your time and energy.  Getting
someone to help you with your baby even one afternoon a week so that you can
have a break can go a long way toward making your life easier and more
enjoy50 '^- A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

able.  It may also ultimately help you to give more freely to your baby.

We have said that no amount of loving, responding, and attention giving is
too much.  By this we do not mean to imply that you should never let your
baby cry for short periods of time without responding.

There will be moments when you can't respond to your baby right away, when
you are having an important telephone call or finishing a shower.  This is not
neglect.  It is life, and life has its frustrations.  Even for babies.  But
frustration is not always as negative as you may think.

^^ HELPING YOUR BABY TOLERATE FRUSTRATION: 4-12 MONTHS

Alicia's baby Keith is lying on a blanket on the floor.  He drops his toy.
It rolls in front of us with a jingle of bells, just out of Keith's reach.
He turns and wriggles to get it.  At nineteen weeks, Keith is a perfect
example of the changing needs and capacities of this age.  He is beginning to
use his body in new ways, and with each new wiggle learns what he can reach
for.  As he tries to get his toy, he illustrates how frustration can also
serve as motivation.  It would not spoil Keith to retrieve his toy for him,
but it might be to his advantage in other ways not to respond right away.
Small amounts of frustration can be productive incentives for a baby to
develop and grow.  Too much can be overwhelming.  If Alicia can wait and
watch Keith, she can assess his potential and his needs before deciding how
to respond.

It is common for a mother to continue doing what has always worked to keep
her baby happy.  But early patterns Loving Your Baby t c^> 51 quickly become
outdated.  Babies eventually stop needing to be swaddled, rocked to sleep,
fed every few hours, stop needing for you to rush over and rescue them.  As a
baby develops the ability for some independence, she also learns to tolerate
minor frustrations and delays.  She will begin to stretch herself to learn
new physical abilities and verbal sounds.  She will discover techniques for
self-soothing, such as sucking on a blanket, twirling a lock of hair, holding a
beloved object, or rolling over into a comfortable position in her crib.  She
will be able to go for longer times between feedings.  She acquires the
capacity to sleep through the night.

"Now that Keith is a little older it's easier to know when I have to respond
quickly," says Alicia.

"All of his cries used to sound the same to me.  Now I recognize differences.
Recently he's been making this funny little forced cry with a half smile on
his face.  Then I know it's not so urgent."

As your baby's abilities change, so must your expectations of her abilities.
To encourage independent play, a' few times a day you can let your baby sit
in an infant seat or lie on a mat on the floor with toys.  If she is capable
of simple contentment and independent play for a short period, you can
gradually extend this.

As babies begin to inch on their bellies, crawl, pull up, stand up, take
their first steps, climb stairs, and venture out, they also begin to get
bumps and bruises, to totter and fall, to scrape and cut themselves.  A
parent may wonder where to draw the line between over protectiveness which
might be construed as "babying" or "spoiling," and taking the necessary
precautions to keep a baby from hurting herself.

It is imperative that you make your baby's environment 52 <^ A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE

safe to move around in and explore.  It is also important to begin to teach
your baby what is acceptable behavior and what is not.  But if you constantly
hover, or consistently say "no' or if you gasp with alarm each time she
falls, she may begin to think the world is not a safe place.  Babies respond
strongly to their parent's sense of fear and caution.  When a parent allows a
baby to practice walking, for example, to pick herself up after a minor
spill, the child learns to take these bumps more in stride.

When a baby is hurt, frightened, or upset, she needs you to go to her without
hesitation.  But for the many occasions during a baby's day when she makes a
protest or a demand, try not to respond as if she has no capacity to wait.
Now, as you fix a bottle, she can watch you and anticipate satisfaction.  If
she becomes impatient and cries out, talk to her, sing and clap, tell her you
are on your way, explain to her what you are doing.  Typically, babies do not
develop language until past their first birthday, but they can understand a
lot of words and messages before age one.  These "conversations" are the
building blocks of communication.

Early Limit Setting While we believe that a child cannot be spoiled during
the first year, limits, even those before the first birthday, are important.

You are probably already setting them, without even knowing it.  When your
baby innocently pulls her father's chest hairs or swipes at your face with
sharp fingernails, or bites you while nursing, the very change in the tone of
your voice when you say

"Ouch!"  conveys a message of displeasure.  Then when you add "Gentle,
gentle!"  or

"No, no!"  this introduces the concept Loving Your Baby t---c^> 55 of
limits.  Over time your baby internalizes these every- day lessons.

"I've heard that it's important to avoid the word

"No,"

" says Marta.

"If I don't say

"No' then maybe Sarah won't learn to use it or throw it back in my face."

More helpful than the word

"No" by itself is an explanation such as "Hot!"  or

"Ouch!"  or

"You have to be gentle."  You can then add

"No, no," so your baby makes the association.

"What about children who are spoiled?"  asks Marta.

"I just spent a day with some friends who have a three-year- old who is,
well, a spoiled brat.  I'd hate for Sarah to turn out like that."

The image of a spoiled child is a dreaded one.  Usually the picture is of a
toddler or preschooler who demands and whines and insists, who kicks and
pouts, who knows just how to push her parents' buttons, how to manipulate and
cajole, be it for sweets, presents, television, or her own way.
Disrespectful, often aggressive, she can't listen, can't take no for an
answer, can't wait, can't share.

It is hard to know if the little girl with whom Marta spent the day is, in
fact, a "spoiled" child.  All children go through difficult periods as they
grow.  All children will appear spoiled at some point.

Stages when a child has difficulty waiting and sharing, when she is especially
clingy, whiny, and demanding are all typical of normal child development.
However, chronically demanding, oh- jectionable, whiny behavior usually
indicates either that a child has received far less attention than she needs
or that she has never been stretched in her ability to wait, to use her own
resources, or to soothe herself.

"Limit setting is going to be hard for me," says Marta.  "My parents were
very strict.  There were so many rules 54 ^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

and things I couldn't do as a child.  I remember having to stay in my room
for hours once because I broke a candy bowl.  And it was an accident.  But my
parents didn't seem to care about my side of the story or how I was feeling.
I never want Sarah to feel controlled or misunderstood that way.  "

Marta's conflict is not an uncommon one.  She wants only to befriend her
child.  She fears spoiling but is anxious about setting limits.

She sees discipline and authority as punitive and mean but realizes they have
their place.  Having felt restricted, misunderstood, and unfairly reprimanded
as a child, she wishes to offset her baby's frustration and anger with
understanding and permissiveness.  How Marta experienced her parents as strict
rather than lenient, as wit holding rather than giving affects how she is with
her baby.

Marta's parents put a heavy emphasis on rules and obedience, and in reaction
Marta wants to be completely in tune with her baby's feelings and desires.

The need and demand for you to set limits for your child will come more into
play when she is older, but your feelings about this are integral to your
parenting style from the start.  There will come a point at which true limit
setting begins.  And it is not far off.

Having mastered walking, a baby's main mission in life seems to be simply to
destroy.  She will put everything into her mouth, climb up onto places from
which she cannot get down, and pull everything within reach onto the floor.

When the time comes, many parents have difficulty being firm about setting
limits, especially with older children More psychologically minded than their
own parents, the current generation wants to be sensitive to their babies'
needs and feelings and nurturing to their children egos.  But loving and limit
setting are not mutually Loving Your Baby < <^s 55 exclusive.  You can be a
close, loving, devoted parent and a figure of authority at the same time.
When used judiciously, saying

"No" will not crush your child's spirit.  In fact, limits are critical for
her sense of security and self- worth.  Limits do not simply shut a door.

They stretch a child, teach her about the world, and let her know she is
protected.  Limits also help a child to learn about self- control, respect,
and empathy for others.  They are a necessary and important part of parenting.

"I was visiting a friend whose two-and-a-half-year-old boy wanted a cookie,"
says Jessica.

"His mother gave him one.  Then the boy asked for another.  His mother gave
him another.  When the boy asked for a third cookie, his mother said no.  The
child cried for almost half an hour.  I couldn't stand it.  I know I won't be
able to do that with Nell.  I'm afraid I'll give in just to avoid that kind
of upset and anger on her part and mine."

It can be frightening and upsetting to have your baby get angry or cry out
because of something you impose or withhold.  In fact, one of the most
difficult challenges a parent faces is tolerating a child's discomfort be it
illness, fatigue, pain, frustration, disappointment, or anger.  It will not
always be possible, or even advisable, to take away those feelings.  But it
will be important for you as parent to let your child express these feelings
and to recognize and respond to them.  Your baby's consistent experience of
your attempt to understand her needs is critically important to her sense of
self and of relationships.

"My father spoiled me," says Jane.

"But I say that with pride and affection.  He indulged me.  But it wasn't
really with material things.

It was with his time.  He talked with me.  We took walks together.  He
brought me to his office.

56 '-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

He was strict about some things.  But I know he adored me.  "

The definitions of "baby" when used as a verb include coddle, indulge,
pamper, and spoil.  But to baby a baby is only natural.  As your baby grows
in the first year, you will be constantly shifting between soothing her and
testing, between welcoming her neediness and encouraging her independence.
The tension between your needs and your baby's needs, between giving yourself
over to the baby and holding back ever so slightly for her sake will affect
your approach to many areas of parenting.  You will see it in your style of
feeding your baby, of getting her to sleep, as well as in your decisions
about staying home or returning to the workplace.

How parents feel about the concept of spoiling can be seen as a metaphor for
their relationship with their babies.  It touches on issues from learning how
to soothe your baby to letting your baby learn to soothe herself.  It
reflects your own style of parenting as you learn to love and to set limits at
the same time.  The fear of spoiling may rob you of life's true pleasures
with your new baby rocking or nursing your baby to sleep, hugging, holding,
and soothing her.  This is just the beginning of a long and loving
relationship, but infancy and babyhood are the times when parents can most
freely baby their babies.  It passes quickly.

Work and Motherhood Challenges and Choices It is a bright fall afternoon.
The new mothers arrive with red cheeks, their babies bundled up in extra
layers.  A few of the women remember each others' names.  A few make
introductions again.  As we sit down together, comments circle about how
Keith has grown, how Lucy did with her three-month shots, how Jessica
survived her week with Nell.  Then, over gurgles and cries and the hushing
sound of a shaking rattle, we introduce our subject for discussion: work.

Work is a pressing, complicated, often heart-wrenching issue for new mothers.
Will you stay at home with your baby?  Will you go back to your job?  Will
you try to do a little of both?  Will your husband take on a role at home
with the baby?  It may all seem like a simple question, one of finances and
inclinations.  But it is not.  Your answer encompasses a whole range of
issues from how you were brought up to your aspirations in the world.  57 58
<^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

No matter what you end up doing returning to your job, working part-time, or
taking on the care of your baby full-time there will be some conflict in your
heart.  It may help you to know you have company.  Lots of it.  Almost every
new mother struggles with opposing urges.  It may take months or even years
to sort out your dual roles and to find the right balance.

During your pregnancy or the adoption process, you probably made a plan about
whether or when you would return to work.  Once your baby is born, this plan
may progress as you had thought it would or it may feel surprisingly wrong.
Going back to work may feel unexpectedly difficult.  Or, full-time mothering
may not be what you had imagined.

For many, a period of indecision sets in, one marked by confusion, guilt, and
longing.  The ensuing decision-making process is unquestionably difficult but
it can also be one of discovery as you learn about your new baby and your new
role.  Our objective is to help you sift through your expectations and goals
about both work and motherhood, to alert you to potential stumbling blocks
and help you to make the best decision for you and your family.  Keep in mind
that compromise is inevitable.  The process by its nature compels you to
confront your ambitions and your husband's, to accept limitations, to take on
new goals and create some balance in your new life.

The women are eager to tell their stories.  Leslie, laid- off from her
computer programming job when she was six months pregnant, is collecting
unemployment and has filed a discrimination suit.  Although she is still
upset about losing her job, she admits that she was relieved to have had the
decision about work made for her and is Work and Motherhood c^i 59 enjoying
the time with her baby.  Leslie's husband, Vince, is supportive of Leslie
being home full-time but feels nervous about being the only breadwinner.
Leslie plans to look for a new job eventually, but for now her unemployment
payments are helping to offset some of the couple's new expenses.

Marta is a single parent.  She has no choice but to continue working.

She likes her job at a social service agency but is exhausted from juggling
full-time work with motherhood and is having a hard time making ends meet.
She says that the hardest parts are never having time for her- self and not
having someone on whom she can totally rely.  She is pleased, however, with
the day care she found for her daughter.

Jessica is troubled.  Two years earlier she had returned to college to finish
her undergraduate studies.  While there she fell in love, got married, and
became pregnant.  Only four credits short of earning her degree, she again
put her education on a back burner, this time to devote herself to family
life.  But Nell has colic, Jessica's husband is re- treating into his work,
and, feeling overwhelmed, Jessica now finds herself questioning her decisions.

Alicia went back to work after a six-week maternity leave.  She feels
confident about the full-time nanny she and her husband chose to care for
Keith.  Alicia tells us that she is happier as a busy lawyer than as a
full-time mother.  She misses Keith during the day but loves her time with
him in the mornings, evenings, and on weekends.

Nan worked as a photo stylist for a big retail company.  Her pregnancy was
unplanned.  Even though she was flourishing at her job.  Nan knew the long
hours and fast pace of her work would not mix well with motherhood.

40 '-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

She worked out a three-month maternity leave but is not convinced she could
ever go back to work full-time.  Still, she doesn't want to lose her career
entirely.  And Nan's husband has been pressuring her to get back on her
career track.  For the meantime.  Nan is keeping in touch with her colleagues
and is doing some work on a very part- time basis.

Elizabeth, a publicity agent, also wasn't sure how she would feel about
working once the baby arrived.  She pro- posed a six-month leave of absence
from work and got it.  She and her husband agree they would like to try to
juggle their careers with parenthood, sharing in the care of Lucy.  Elizabeth
and her boss have put together a plan in which Elizabeth will work part-time
from her apartment and part-time out of the company's office.  Jonathan is
planning to cut back to a four-day workweek when Lucy is six months old.  One
day a week he will be full-time at home with Lucy.  When Lucy is one he will
be home with her two days a week.

Jane, an office manager, and Ronnie, an elementary school teacher, each
stopped working and are feeling good about their decisions to be full-time
mothers.  Jane projects that she will devote herself to mothering for at
least five years.  She is focusing her energies on her baby and on creating a
new life for her family within the community.  Ronnie projects that she will
be at home with her baby for at least two years.

Maggie, who owns and runs a restaurant with her husband, is in the throes of
an argument with him about when she will return to work.

She wants to stay home with the baby for another three months.  He wants her
to go back to work immediately.

Each of the women in the group is grappling with the Work and Motherhood <
^-> 41 dilemmas about work which all mothers face today.  As they unravel
their stories they also begin to knit together their old lives with their new
lives.

^^ YOUR IDENTITY AND YOUR JOB

Elizabeth speaks first.

"I don't know who I am anymore.  I reach for my briefcase and Zap I find a
diaper bag.  It's like Cinderella in reverse."

Even though she manages a sense of humor, Elizabeth is anxious about her
waning sense of identity.  She adores her baby and being a mother, but she
misses her work and her life at the office.  She is uncertain what her
priori- ties should be and even about how she feels.  She looks forward to
the time when Jonathan is more involved with Lucy's care.  In preparation for
her upcoming part-time status at work, she has started to send Lucy, her
twelve- week-old, to day care two mornings a week.  On those two mornings she
is plagued with guilt.

Alicia, a real estate lawyer, back at her job, has a different brand of
guilt.

"I don't feel guilty about leaving Keith with a nanny.  I feel guilty that I
don't feel guilty.  But the truth is, it's impossible for me to conceive of
staying home with the baby.  I'm almost forty.  I've been working since
college.  I adore Keith and I think he's more important than any- thing else,
but I'm more career-oriented than mother oriented The thing is I'm more
confident as a career person.  I know I'm a good lawyer.  I'm not so sure I'm
a good mother."

Jane, who quit her job as an office manager to be a full42 '^-' A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE

time mother, responds to Alicia's commitment to her profession.

"When I see you dressed up in your work clothes it makes me miss my old life.
I know I want to be home with my baby, but I'm also envious of your
professional life.  Five months ago I was consumed by my job.

I don't want it back, but these days my biggest challenge is getting Justin
to sleep at night.  "

The generation of women now in their twenties, thirties, and forties was
raised to pursue careers, to break out of the mold of
woman-as-wife-and-mother.  Now these same women are becoming mothers.

It can take a long time to adjust, and during the first year of motherhood
many women experience a crisis about who they are.  In truth, it is hard to
even imagine the profound changes a baby brings.  We have found that most
women have mixed feelings about what they want.  Even women like Alicia, who
knew she would go back to work, and Jane, who always wanted to stay home,
experience some confusion and sadness about their choices.

Marta says,

"I guess we are all a little tortured."

Swept up in the anticipation of the new baby, few mothers-to-be give due
credit to the role of work in their lives.  After a month or two away from
her job, however, the new mother can better appreciate how much her life had
been built around it.  If you are wondering why staying home with your new
baby makes you feel lost instead of found, think about how a job provides the
framework to life.  It is why you get up when you do, why you buy the clothes
you wear, how you spend most of your waking hours, perhaps why you live where
you do.

Salary influences lifestyle; work defines free time.  The rewards of a job
that you like are many.  It can be stimulating and Work and Motherhood c'-a
45 challenging, creative and involving, vital to your sense of self.

Work provides financial independence and a community of colleagues.

It can become, over time, a stabilizing force in life.  Your workplace may
provide you with friends and a social life.  What you do for a living is
often the first thing you will be asked about yourself when meeting new
people.  In some important ways, work de- fines who you are.

Alicia says,

"After my second week at home with Keith, I said to myself, /!  need to go
back to work.  I miss the structure."

" Jessica has been listening intently while bouncing fussing Nell on her
knees.

"I've been thinking the same thing.  I've got to get out of the house.

Sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind.  "

Alicia's and Jessica's reactions are not uncommon.  New to their roles, life
feels topsy-turvy, out of control.  A lot of women decide to go back to work
during the early months of motherhood.  In fact, these early months require a
big adjustment, and if your baby is hard to soothe, they can be a tremendous
trial.  After the third month, life at home with a baby becomes more settled.
You will begin to feel more sure of yourself as a mother and will be able to
see more clearly what your decisions regarding work imply for you.

Jessica concurs.

"I didn't expect I'd feel this way, but if someone asked me right now to
decide between school full-time or mothering full-time, I'd say.  .  .school!"

Elizabeth protests.

"But that's like asking a woman in labor if she's going to have another baby!"

Coming to terms with what best suits you over the long run is an important
first step in the decision-making process.  Do you find enjoyment in the
pleasures and challenges of 44 <-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

being with your baby, in the slowed-down day, in domes- tic life?  Do you
enjoy managing the household, making nearly all of the decisions for your
baby?  Do you thrive on the challenges of your job, on intellectual
stimulation or on companionship with peers?  Is management or being a part of
a community or producing something necessary to your sense of self?  Are you
filled with pride at your decision or with guilt?  Is your decision your own
or were you pressured into it?  These are just some of the questions you
might ask yourself as you begin to sort out your priorities.  Early
motherhood is a time of enormous internal change and growth.  Once your baby
is born every- thing seems different your picture of yourself, your
ambitions, your feelings about work, about your husband, your parents, your
baby, your past, and your future.

^3 VOICES

"My boss has always encouraged me to pursue my work and that's my choice,"
says Alicia.

"But the other day, right in front of me, he said to a colleague in a jocular
tone of voice, Td never let my wife work this late.  She'd be home with the
kids."  I think it was about six-thirty!  I've never heard the mixed message
so clearly.  "

New mothers are bombarded with mixed messages from colleagues, bosses,
relatives, friends, and neighbors.  Some women internalize these opinions
until they hear conflicting voices in their own heads.

One voice says, "Achieve!  Be successful!"  while the other says

"A

good mother stays home.  "

"I've only been home with the baby for two months,"

\Vork and Motherhood c^ 45 says Nan.

"But I know some of my working friends think that I'm being indulgent."

Staying at home as a full-time mother has some of the trappings of indulgence.
You may stay in your pajamas until midday but only because you haven't had
time to shower.  You may watch television after lunch but mostly to hear the
sound of another adult voice.  Some people may imagine you cooing with your
baby all day, taking lazy walks in the park, and napping in the afternoons.
But for all the pleasures that you do get from mothering full-time, the
reality of your day is around-the-clock work.  When a mother is labeled
"indulgent" after only two months at home with her baby, it is clear that the
social pressure to return to work is high.  To make it more con- fusing,
another woman might be labeled "indulgent" if she chose to go back to her
career.

Sometimes it is easier to feel pushed into a decision about your work life,
absolved of the responsibility.  While it may be difficult not to be affected
by other people's judgments and expectations, it behooves you to find out
what is right for you.  It can be an unfamiliar exercise to decipher what
your own feelings are, to uncover your own voice.  For now, try to get at the
hidden translations in your own reasonings.

"I have to go back to work.  We need the money," may translate into "My
husband is nervous about money."

"It would feel awful to leave my baby with someone else all day," may
translate into

"My mother devoted her life to me."

"I can't imagine walking away from my career," may translate into

"My boss depends on me.  He expects me back.  I don't have a choice."  Or
even,

"My parents sacri46 ^^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

ficed so I could have a good education and a good career.  I want to fulfill
their hopes for me.  "

"My job is too good to let go," may translate into

"My friends think my job is too good to let go."

Sometimes women convince themselves that their decision is the only right one
and then unwittingly alienate mothers who are juggling differently.  Often
women secretly envy the choices made by other mothers.  Unspoken rivalries
exist between mothers who work outside the home and those who are at home
full-time with their babies.

During the course of our discussions it becomes clear that every choice
brings some brand of conflict and that everyone is making compromises.  The
women take some comfort in the fact that there is no single or perfect
solution.

^^ LIFE AT HOME: THE EARLY MONTHS

"I'm supposed to go back to work at the restaurant but my mind has been so
scattered I can't imagine being able to do that job anymore,"

says Maggie, rocking her baby in her arms.

"I can barely carry on an adult conversation.  I forget things all the time
and I feel like my brain is in a fog."

"I know what you mean," says Leslie.

"And, it's not only forgetting things, it's forgetting how to be social.  I'm
afraid I'm not interesting anymore.  I have no interest in reading the paper.
I only talk about the baby.  Even my husband says it's getting a bit much.  I
shudder to think what I would do at a dinner party."

Almost every new mother of the hundreds we've worked with has been concerned
about what they deWork and Motherhood < (^> 47 scribe as a growing inability
to think clearly.  Many deride themselves for not being able to finish
sentences, for leaving errands half-done, for forgetting appointments, for
becoming obsessed with baby things to the exclusion of adult interests.

Because this phenomenon is not formally addressed in parenting books, some
new mothers become truly alarmed.

Elizabeth, now officially the comedienne of the group, announces, "I've heard
the brain gets expelled with the placenta!"

The women are laughing.  But hearing one another de- scribe the same "fog
brain" phenomenon comes as an enormous relief.  If you have been feeling as if
your brain were on hold and have wondered if this was a permanent state,
don't worry.  It's not.

Mothering requires functions of the brain not generally used in the workplace
or office; it demands that you be more instinctual and emotional, less
logical and linear in your thinking.  Communication with your baby at this
stage is more physical and emotional than verbal.  From the first day of your
new baby's life, you are learning how to read your baby's sign language, the
subtle innuendoes and the not-so-subtle cries of his infant behavior.  In
addition to this entirely new orientation and way of interacting, sleep
deprivation takes its toll on your ability to think clearly.  So, give
yourself some credit.  You are hard at work learning about your baby and about
yourself as a mother.  And take heart; with time, your faster, more logical
way of processing and verbalizing will return.

For some women, becoming a mother and staying home with a baby can be a
respite from the job scene, its pressures and stresses, its politics and
competitiveness.

48 ^^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

"The career issues melt away when I'm nursing my baby or when he smiles at
me," says Leslie with a satisfied look in her eyes.

Ronnie chimes in.

"Work pales in comparison with being a mother."

After a marked pause, Maggie says,

"I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but it's not been that easy for me.  I
feel like it's a huge adjustment."

Life at home can also have its stresses and pressures.  In fact, the old
adage,

"A woman's work is never done" has a lot of truth in it.

You may also be discovering that a mother's work is never seen.  Life
dissolves into countless, consuming routines, nurturing acts and invisible
chores: changing diapers, changing clothes, changing crib sheets, nursing,
burping, cleaning spit-up, bathing, swaddling, rocking, soothing, singing,
smiling, cooing, not to mention grocery shopping, cooking, keeping house, and
doing the laundry.  Entire days go by with little to show for them except,
perhaps, a messy house.

"Everything in my life is slippery," says Leslie.

"I can't get a hold of it.  The apartment, for instance.  We used to have a
clean, ordered apartment.  Now I go from room to room and there is stuff
everywhere.

The problem is I start something, the baby cries, and I leave it and I may
never get back to it.  It might sound trivial, but it makes my life seem so
messy.  "

Now everyone in the group begins to talk at once.  Life is a little out of
control, they agree, and a messy apartment or house symbolizes just that.

"When my husband comes home from work and asks me what I did that day, I
can't come up with anything much," says Nan.

"Meanwhile the house looks like a Work and Motherhood < c^> 49 bomb hit it
and I'm tired and bitchy.  The funny thing is, even I can't figure out where
the days go."

Ronnie picks up where Leslie leaves off.

"I told my husband not to ask anymore what I did that day.  It's just a
conversation opener, I know, but it was making me so pissed off."

Maggie, whose work life revolved around the social set- ting of a restaurant,
sees motherhood as particularly isolating.

"I do love being with Jack, but it's such a quiet existence.  I was used to
constant social interaction at work.  My whole lifestyle has changed."

"One of the hardest adjustments for me has been the sudden isolation I feel
as a new mother," says Ronnie.  "Not only did I give up my job, but I'm the
first one of my friends to have a baby and they aren't interested in
talking about baby stuff.  By the time David gets home at night I'm
practically in tears I'm so desperate to talk."

"It's definitely an adjustment," Jane agrees, "but as I get used to it, I
think I may never want to go back to a job again."

"It feels right to me to be with my baby all the time, too," Maggie returns.

"But there are so many romantic notions about motherhood!

Some days my biggest challenge is simply coping.  I consider it an
accomplishment when I take a shower or do a load of laundry.  "

Motherhood is not just a new job, it's a new way of life.  It can be
exhilarating one moment and humbling the next.  It is emotionally rich but it
can also be exhausting, boring, and isolating.  Though the actual tasks of
mothering may seem repetitive and unimportant, the role you play is an
endlessly creative and hugely important one.

50 ^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Being with your baby, showing him the world, consistently comforting and
nurturing him and structuring his life is a monumental job and achievement.

^^ CHOICES AND GUILT

Guilt is an occupational hazard of motherhood.  A nagging sense of it
accompanies most mothers on whatever path they choose.  You may feel guilt at
the anger and frustration you have toward your baby after a long day at home
with him, guilt at the half-baked job you think you are doing both at home
and at work, guilt at the relief you feel when you return to the office.

Guilt will crop up at the most unexpected moments and places.  Alicia
describes herself as committed to her career and clear about the fact that
she would be unfulfilled at home with her baby.  But one day, Keith gets
sick.  Alicia leaves work to take Keith to the pediatrician.

"When the nanny called me at the office I could hear Keith crying.  He
sounded so miserable.  Luckily I could take the time and that's what I wanted
to do, so I was feeling good about myself, very maternal.  But when the
doctor asked me what Keith's bowel movements had been like in the past
twenty-four hours I had to say

"I really don't know."  It was a horrible moment.  I was overcome with guilt.
"

Many of the mothers in our groups who are considering a return to work have
guilt in their hearts before they have even made a decision.  They express a
desperate need to know what is "best" for their babies.  They ask us what is
the optimal age to leave a baby and return to work.  They want to know what
is the optimal child care choice.

Work and Motherhood < -c^> 51 They wonder if day care can compromise a
child's development in any way.  They are disappointed and some- times even
angry when they hear there are no hard-and- fast rules governing this choice.

No matter how liberated, most women believe some- where in their hearts that
they should not leave their baby to someone else's care.

The image of a mother who is devoted to her children all day and all night is
deeply embedded in our culture.  No decision will be guilt-free.  To some
extent, guilt is something you may have to live with.  Or even to learn from
on occasion.

In the best of all possible worlds mothers and/ or fathers would be able to
be home with their babies for substantial amounts of time during their
children's early years.  But in the real world, social and economic
pressures, coupled with a woman's ability and desire to find herself in the
workplace, conflict with this ideal.  Trying to find a balance between what
is best for your baby, for you, and your family is a big job in itself.

What's best for your baby and what's best for you are intertwined.

How you experience stress and how you feel about yourself is critical to your
relationship with your baby.  If staying home and not returning to your job
causes you great frustration or unhappiness, you may not be able to engage
effectively with your baby as a result.

If re- turning to work and sharing the care of your baby with your husband or
with someone else leaves you with a pervasive sense of missing out, that too
will affect your relationship with your baby.

What becomes most important is that you be able to live with your decision
comfortably.  It is to no one's benefit to knock yourself out to make
something work that feels fundamentally wrong to you.

52 ^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

The primary attachment between mother and child continues to grow under many
different conditions.  Working parents can and do maintain healthy, loving,
and strong relationships with their babies.  Never underestimate your baby's
capacity to love.  Or your own.

^^ HIDDEN AGENDAS AND YOUR OWN HISTORY

"I'm fortunate," Ronnie says, "because I don't have to go back to work.  My
husband is something of a workaholic but I can't say I have that problem.
Eventually I want to figure out a way to make money again, but not in the
typical nine-to-five job.  For now, I'm doing what I've always wanted to."

Many women find deep satisfaction in the nurturing role of motherhood.  A
child creates new priorities and new ambitions for them.  Ronnie epitomizes
this satisfaction.  Some of the women in the group express envy at how Ronnie
can accept and enjoy this role without conflict Wanting to learn more, we ask
Ronnie about the role models she grew up with, and what her mother did.

"My mother was a nurse.  She stopped working to be a mother.  And then she
went back to her career after we were all in grade school.  I was the oldest,
so she was home until I was about twelve.  I'm sure that's why I want to be
home with Elyse.  I can't imagine doing anything else.  When Mom went back to
work she had some night shifts and my father helped out at home.  That was
kind of neat.  I remember cooking supper with him two nights a week.  But no
matter what her work schedule was.  Mom always made us feel loved.  I talk to
her much more on Work and Motherhood < -fs 55 the phone than I used to.
It's funny because now she's working and I'm home."

"My mother worked before she had children, too," says Nan.

"She was devoted to us.  You would have thought she was the typical,
traditional wife and mother.  But be- fore us, she had been a costume
designer for the theater.  And a good one.  She gave it up to raise me and my
brother and sister.  Even though I know she chose to, there must have been a
great sadness in giving up her own art, her own success.  Especially since it
was such a fun world.  I wish I had asked her more about it.  She died four
years ago.  But until I had Emma I never really understood what it meant to
make those choices.  I love my work, but I want to be there for Emma."

"I know what you mean," says Maggie.

"I want my baby to feel secure that I'm his mother and that he's loved and I
know it's because my parents got divorced when I was young.  My mother left
and I didn't see her for years.  I want to be able to tell Jack what he was
like when he was a baby.  Now I'm supposed to go back to work, but if I'm not
here with him, I think I'll feel like a bad mother."

It is only natural to want to be a "good mother."  We have found, however,
that those who grew up in families where there was alcoholism, depression, an
early loss from death or divorce, or some form of abuse, seem prone to
thinking that there are either "good mothers" or "bad mothers."  In their
desire to repair past hurts and to be the "good mother," they often strive to
be the opposite of their own mothers.  This kind of thinking can trap women
into making decisions that may not actually work for them.  In doing so,
these women set impossible expec54 ^-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

tat ions for themselves which ensure either daily falls from grace or years
of sacrifice and resentment.

If these points strike a chord in you, or hit a nerve, take some time to
evaluate how much the mission to repair childhood hurts is driving your
thinking about work.  And go easy on yourself.  Working full-time doesn't mean
that you are abandoning your baby.  And being a full-time mother doesn't mean
that you must sacrifice everything to your baby.

^^ CHILD CARE

Returning to work full-time is both a logistical challenge and an emotional
one.  All of the women we have met in our groups who have had to leave their
baby in someone else's care to return to work full-time have experienced a
sense of loss.  If you or your partner cannot stay at home, or cannot share
in the care of your baby, it will help you to find a care giver whom you
trust, like, and think will provide the same kind of high quality, caring
interaction with your baby that you do.

"I got a call this morning from a nanny but I wasn't ready to talk to her,"
says Maggie.

"I'm thinking,

"What do I ask her?"  and she's saying,

"Can we set up an inter- view?"  So I said,

"I can't find my datebook."

 "

" I don't want to have to look for child care," says Leslie.

"How can I find someone I know I can trust and feel confident about when I'm
still learning what it's like to be a parent myself?"

You may be going back to work in a month and still be unable to set up
interviews with potential care givers or to establish a working relationship
with one.  It may Work and Motherhood < <.  ^> 55 seem frightening or even
unthinkable to hire someone to take care of your infant child.  A new mother
may wonder if anyone could possibly be as attentive to her infant as she is.
It helps to start talking with child care professionals to get past these
initial fears.  For most women considering child care, the anticipation is
far worse than the reality.

"\ had a strong reaction against the first few people I interviewed,"

says Alicia.

"But I probably didn't want to like anyone.  I wasn't very objective about
the whole thing but I told myself I was going to trust my gut.  I think
that's actually a pretty safe rule in this case.  Because it was also my gut
that liked Mary.  It wasn't anything she said, it just felt right.  I think
you'll know it when it's right.  Mary is gentle and nurturing.  Her
references were excellent.

My husband and I felt she was just the right person for Keith and for us.
And so far she is working out well.  She has her opinions, but that's good.
She never makes me feel like she's taking over, which for me is key.  "

Fears and lack of information can delay a decision to hire a care giver can
leave you stranded without help for the wrong reasons.

It's important, however, to different i- ate between anxiety about finding the
right care giver and an inner voice trying to make itself heard.  If you have
committed yourself to return to work and truly don't want to, you may resist
child care as a sort of unconscious subterfuge as you stall for time, trying
to change your mind.

"I have a sitter once a week right now, just to get acquainted and break her
in," says Nan.

"It has been torture working out a relationship with her because I'm torn
about it.  I take all my anxieties out on her.  I follow her 56 ^-' A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

around the house making sure she does everything exactly like I do with the
baby.  "

It takes time to let yourself rely on your baby-sitter, and to let go of the
controls for a while.  One of the reasons you may not want to let go is that
you fear your baby will become more attached to the baby-sitter than to you.
Many new mothers who are returning to work worry about this.  While you are
still new to your role, your caretaker may be skillful and confident.  You
want some- one who will come to care deeply for your child, but you're not
sure how you feel about your child caring deeply for her.  As you picture
another woman spending nine hours a day, five days a week with your baby, you
wonder, how could she not become more important than me?

Babies keep their strong attachments to their working mothers.  While a
consistent care giver may become a be- loved person in your child's life, she
will not usurp your primary role.  It is inevitable though, that working
mothers experience some sense of jealousy and competition with their child's
nanny, baby-sitter, or day-care professional.  If, however, your feelings are
preoccupying or persistent, your reasons are worth exploring.  Are you
resentful about going back to work?  Does your child's day-care center not
meet your standards?  Or, is your child's care giver provoking you by an
attitude of possessiveness or authority about your child?

"My homecomings at the end of the day had always been a wonderful time with
Keith," says Alicia.

"I would get very excited to see him on my commute and when I got out of the
subway I'd practically be running up the block.  When I came in the door his
eyes would light up and he would be all smiles and I would swoop him into
Work and Motherhood < o^> 57 my arms and cover him with kisses and tell him
how much I missed him.

"But when he was about four months old that changed.  When I came through the
door he wouldn't look at me.  Sometimes he would cry.  I think he was mad at
me.  It felt like he was saying,

"I like Mary better.  Go away!"  It broke my heart.  "

Keith's reaction to his mother's homecomings is painful for her but it can be
looked at in a different, more positive way.  Keith is attached primarily to
his mother, Alicia, but also to Mary, his nanny.  When Alicia leaves in the
morning Keith misses her and has to muster up resources to be without her.
During the day Keith plays and eats and sleeps well and is affectionate and
happy with Mary.  But, upon Alicia's return he is reminded of how much he has
missed her.

Like most babies and young children he has saved up his feelings for his
mother.  By shunning Alicia or crying when she comes home, he is confirming
(albeit in an upsetting way) that she ;'s his most important person.

Fortunately, Mary has a lot of experience with babies and is sensitive to
Alicia's feelings.  She and Alicia talked about the change in Keith's
response.  Mary suggested a gradual warm-up period upon Alicia's return home
to allow Keith time to make the transition on his terms.

"And it worked," Alicia says.

"If I was quiet and casual about my return home, in a few minutes Keith would
reach for me in his old, affectionate, loving way."

It is important to let your child's care giver relieve you of your
responsibilities.  But it is equally important to establish a good rapport
with her, to exchange opinions and to talk each day about what your child
did.  If your child 5$ ^j A MOTHER'S CIRCLE is at a day-care center, you can
spend some time with him there.  Your active involvement will help you feel
in included in your baby's day, will keep you informed of the style of care
given and give you the opportunity to discuss your baby's development.

Babies are capable of expanding their world to include additional surrogate
nurturers and still keep their primary attachment to their mothers.  The
daily changing of hands from mother to care giver can become part of your
baby's routine in a positive way.  One more person who loves him and is
interested in building his confidence, in providing stimulation and comfort
will enrich him.

^^ YOU, YOUR HUSBAND, AND WORK

Your husband's response to parenting, his self-image as a provider for his
family, his feelings about you as a mother and the amount of child care and
household responsibilities he is willing and able to take on will greatly
influence your decision about work.  Fatherhood can bring out some wonderful
and some not-so-wonderful sides to your husband which you may never have seen
before.  His behav- for may confuse you at times, fill you with pride and
love one minute and with anger the next.  Like you, your husband is
beginnninga new phase in life.  He may not be adapting to all the changes at
home as well as he lets on.  A new father may have a heightened, and
sometimes burdensome, sense of responsibility for the family's financial
security.  He may feel pressured to live up to society's standards as the
"head of the family."  Men and women alike report how helpful it is to talk
openly about the changes that are taking place.  Whether or not you are Work
and Motherhood < c^i 59 returning to your job, the amount of support you have
from your husband, how involved he is personally in the care of your baby and
how well you work together as a couple will make a crucial difference to your
experience of parenting.

Over the years we have known a significant number of new fathers who have
decided to be integrally involved in the raising of their children.  In these
families, the couples have worked out diverse and creative plans of
cooperative schedules.  Examples of couples we've known include one in which
the new mother worked three-quarter- time outside the home as a doctor, while
the new father stayed home as the primary caretaker, pursuing his artis- tic
career part-time; another in which the mother worked half-time as an
architect and the father worked half-time as a musical producer, each sharing
in the daytime care of their baby; another in which the mother worked out-
side of the home in the mornings at a family-owned business and the father
worked outside the home in the afternoons and evenings.

These kinds of arrangements usually entail a sacrifice in income and often
women feel more pressure them- selves to bring in the paycheck.

Some even find that they resent their husbands for not taking the more
traditional role of breadwinner and envy them their time with the baby.  But
more commonly in those families in which the men have taken on central
parenting roles, the women have found that their decisions about going back
to work are less conflicted, less full of guilt.  They feel that leaving the
baby with his father is a plus for the whole family.  Most of these women
report a great satisfaction at sharing the responsibility of their new baby's
needs with their husbands.

60 '- -5 - A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Nan and Rick Nan's story is a classic one of push and pull.  She loves her
baby.

She loves her husband.  She loves her work.  And yet they each pull her in
different directions.  A successful photo stylist.  Nan worked for six years
in her field and had made a name for herself.  As she describes it, her
career made up ninety percent of her life.  Both she and her husband.  Rick,
a commercial photographer, are ambitious and driven.  They agree that one
secret to their good relationship is their shared interest in each other's
professional endeavors.  Then came Emma.

"Emma was a surprise," Nan confesses.

"Let's just say she was not on my list.  Rick and I were thinking we'd have a
baby one day.  But not for a few years.  Neither one of us was ready for
this.  After my mother died I dove into my career.  It's a very high-paced
lifestyle, lots of travel, lots of sixteen-hour days.  I've loved it, but
it's not the kind of job you can do when you have a baby.

"I arranged for a three-month maternity leave, but the longer I'm away from
my job the more I realize I can't do my career and be a mother.  The other
night my husband said,

"You can do it.  You can do it.  You've always been able to do everything.
You can do both."  I wanted to say 'yes," too, so I was nodding, but I felt
sick until finally I said,

"Wait a minute!  I don't think I can do both."  That was a breakthrough for
me.

"Right now I'm helping a friend from work on one small assignment.  I do some
telephone work during Emma's naps.  It's amazing how much more efficient I am
now.  It's tempting to think I could do regular freelance work.  But even now
when Emma wakes up and I'm in the middle of something I feel like screaming.
It's hard to Work and Motherhood < *^ 61 shift gears.  I'm not sure how I'm
going to work this all out.  But I know I want to be home more than I thought
I would.  Rick thinks I can do more freelance work, but even this tiny
juggling act feels crazed.

"At first Rick said he thought I would be unhappy if I gave up my career
altogether.  Then we got more to the heart of it.  His mother had been
self-sacrificingand miser- able and Rick was afraid I would turn into that
type of mother if I didn't keep my career going full steam.  Between Rick's
pressure and my own, I started to think I should be able to do it all," says
Nan.

"But how can I take care of Emma, keep the house going, and do freelance work
at the same time?"

A woman's decision about work is often tailored by her husband's needs,
fears, or desires.  But it would be impossible for Nan "to do it all," as
Rick had suggested.  Regardless of a couple's political or emotional
commitment to equality between the sexes, when a baby comes into the picture,
the division of labor between a husband and wife typically becomes more
'conventional.  As new parents, both men and women tend to slip into old
roles from their childhood regarding who does what at home.  Often men think
they are not responsible for the house- work.  Simultaneously, women think
themselves to be ultimately responsible for all the housework and all the
baby care.  It takes time to work out new roles and ways of managing the
additional tasks.  The division of labor in the house is a critical factor in
your decision about work.  A husband who supports your decision in both
thought and action can make the key difference to making life feel manageable.

It can be helpful for you as a couple to sit down together and define the
hundreds of chores required to keep ^,2 '^-> A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

your household and family up and running.  Include all baby care activities
such as bathing, changing, feeding, and bedtime; all household duties such as
laundry, bed- making, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning, plus all
inside and outside chores related to your home like taking out the garbage,
taking care of the lawn, repairing faucets, and cleaning windows; all
money-earning activities, work outside the home, accountingand paperwork
duties; and all tasks associated with social activities, like buying gifts,
sending cards, making telephone calls, and helping family members and friends.

As you talk about all of these tasks, decide together who will do them, how
and when they will be taken care of, if they have to be done at all, and how
much outside household or child care help you need and can afford.  Some
women in our groups tell us that their husbands would not consider doing this
exercise, that it would be a no-win battle better avoided.  But even if your
husband is set in his ways, traditional in his views, or overworked himself,
do not underestimate him.  Also, no matter what he can or cannot do to help,
it is important for him to be aware of the labor-intensive demands of
motherhood.  Writing this kind of a list will make the invisible work become
visible.  It can show both husband and wife the amount of time and effort it
takes for a family simply to manage.  If you and your husband can share the
responsibilities, the load will be lightened, both physically and
psychologically and, most important, you will feel more like partners.

^^ TRYING TO DO IT ALL

In an attempt to bridge two worlds, women may fantasize about being full-time
mothers and working on their caW^ork and Motherhood o-s 63 reers.  Nan had
an image of herself working at her drafting table, her baby happily playing
with blocks at her feet.  Elizabeth had a vision of writing during Lucy's
naps.  Maggie had an idea that she would take her baby to work with her.  All
mothers-to-be daydream about life with their babies, but few envision the
consuming nature of full-time motherhood.

Some of the mothers in our groups have become so conflicted at the thought of
leaving their babies to return to work, they begin a vicious routine of
trying to do two jobs without any help.  They delude themselves into thinking
that with extra effort this might be possible and even reasonable.  As a
long-term solution, it is not.  No matter how much you may want to fill both
roles, it is not realistic to consider this as an option.  Realizing that you
cannot do it all is crucial to your well-being.

^^ MONEY

"Everyone is talking about how hard it is to make a decision about work,"
Maggie blurts out.

"Doesn't it all come down to money?  A paycheck?  Your budget?"

Even though life at home has been a big adjustment, Maggie is upset at the
prospect of returning to work and is trying to figure out some way to change
her plans.  Meanwhile, money is tight and her husband wants her to return to
work.

Marta has returned to her job as a social worker.  As a single parent,
financial pressures dictate her decisions.

"I really don't have a choice.  I'm the only breadwinner.  I have to work.
Maybe that makes it easier," she says.

64 <^- .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

For most, money is the key factor in the decision about work.  A baby brings
new, immediate expenses as well as new, long-range financial goals.

Marta has no option but to work.  Alicia is committed to her career.

But it is for those who are wavering, like Maggie, Elizabeth, and Leslie,
that money can become a source of personal anxiety or marital conflict.
Debits and assets may seem to add up in neat columns, but the issue of money
is an elusive, evocative, and emotionally charged one.  It is often the major
obstacle, real or symbolic, to making the best decision for you about your
work life.

^^ THE VALUE OF YOUR WORK AS MOTHER

The work world does not recognize, allow for, or give credit to motherhood.
The longer you are out of the work- force, the harder it is to get back in
and the less you may command in salary.  After even a few years of projects,
paychecks, and promotions, the transition to nonsalaried motherhood is
difficult.  As a result, even mothers tend to undervalue their role.  It is
especially important for both you and your husband to give credit, value, and
respect to the job of mother.

A few of the mothers in our group do.  Alicia says,

"My job at the office is a piece of cake compared to the job of mothering."
Ron- me , reflecting on her days as a teacher, adds,

"It's easier to take care of twenty-five second graders than one baby."

It may make you uneasy to discuss money and mother- hood in the same breath.
In truth, it would be impossible Work and Motherhood < c^a 65 to put a price
tag on nurturing or love.  But it is important to take an honest look at what
making money means to you, and what not making money means to you.

"Each time my husband and I say we should sit down and figure out how our
finances work, and whether or not I have to go back to work, my mind goes
blank," says Leslie.

"I say I'll think about it tomorrow, but I never do."

It is understandable that Leslie is having difficulty grappling with the
myriad implications of the financial situation of her family.  It may be
especially threatening for her to consider what it means not to be making
money her- self.  Making money is tied up with self-esteem, independence,
power, control, and prestige.  Between a husband and wife, money is part of
an intricate system of checks and balances.  No matter how much money you
earn or need, financial issues pack an emotional wallop.  Your decision about
work is also about what you are willing to sacrifice and what you are not.
It is about priorities and about the values you attach to them.

Unless your parents were the exception to the rule, you probably grew up in a
family in which your mother was financially dependent on your father.  Now a
mother your- self, you may begin to feel insecure about money if you are not
bringing in a paycheck; you may feel dependent on your husband, no longer his
equal.  Many women who are full-time mothers fall into the habit of asking
their husbands for money as if it were an allowance.  They feel guilty when
they spend money, even when it is on house- hold necessities, and find it
increasingly difficult to spend money on themselves.

It can be an important part of adjusting to new parent- hood to talk with
your husband about money and to par66 '^-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

ticipate in your family's finances.  Many couples use seemingly logical
methods to determine whether or not a mother should go back to work.  Often
they look only to see whether the woman's salary will cover the costs of day
care or a baby-sitter.  This is a biased method of accounting which assumes
that the woman's work must cover the child's care.  It also excludes such
options as cutting back, sharing baby care, or of borrowing money for a
limited period of time.  And it discourages the idea of part-time work, which
is often the most appealing solution.  Child care costs should be a joint
financial responsibility and should come out of the family pot, not solely
from the woman's earnings.  If, for the time being, you are a one-paycheck
family, try to see your partner's salary as the family income.  Both you and
your husband are doing work vital to your family.

^^ PUSH THE SYSTEM

"The work world isn't mother-friendly," says Leslie.

While the current generation of mothers has entered the work force in record
numbers, this country's workplaces are not accommodating to their personal
needs.  Women who push the system are slowly effecting change.  Work/ family
arrangements are becoming more common today in American business.  Many of
the bigger companies offer options such as job sharing, tele commuting and
on-site day care.

When options are limited, creative solutions are often the best answer.  Push
the system to see whether you can create a new arrangement that suits your
needs.  Treat your idea as you might a business proposal.  Go directly Work
and Motherhood < c^> 67 to the top and approach the person who makes these
decisions with an offer that will intrigue him or her.  Women who are
hesitant to ask for a more flexible work schedule assume an exception won't
be made on the basis of their status as a new mother.  Yet we do hear stories
of success, or at least of partial success, when women do not accept the
status quo.

Some employers are open to longer maternity leaves with partial pay.

Some companies offer options to maternity leaves such as unpaid extensions.
Some women "save up" their vacation days and lump these together with their
maternity leave to stretch out their time at home with their new baby.  It is
a good idea to request as much leave time as you can possibly get.  It is
almost always easier to go back to work earlier than expected than it is to
extend a maternity leave.

Some professions, teaching for example, are amenable to full year leaves of
absence.  Some businesses and many state and federal workplaces offer
affordable, flexible, on-site day care.  Today over half of all mothers with
infant children are working.  The structure of American business has the
potential to be much more in tune with the needs of working mothers and is
gradually being shaped in that direction.  The Family and Medical Leave Act
of 1993 requires employers of fifty or more workers to provide their
employees with up to twelve weeks of unpaid leave for sickness in the family
or for the birth or adoption of a baby.  A father as well as a mother can now
take family leave during his wife's childbirth and recovery.  America has
finally joined the ranks of some seventy-two countries worldwide that pro-
vide protected family and medical leave policies for working parents.

68 <r^-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE ^^ STRIVING FOR BALANCE "With Lucy at day care a
few times a week I think she gets a better mother out of the deal," says
Elizabeth.

"After I've had time to do my work I feel more balanced.  Then I can spend
time with Lucy without any misgivings."

Everyone's "balance" will be different.  From the out- side, it may appear
that Alicia is back full tilt at her job.  But her priorities have shifted.
She no longer travels for her company because she wants to be with her baby
part of every day.  And she takes a day off from work every two or three
weeks.  Home with her baby full-time, Jane's new balance entailed learning
that she had to take time for herself.

Jane's mother has filled the role of trusted baby-sitter with great ease and
pleasure.  Elizabeth's new balance will eventually include a more equal
sharing of Lucy's care with her husband.  And over time Elizabeth plans to
assume more and more of the bread winning responsibilities as Jonathan takes
on more of the care of their baby.

Ronnie's new balance came in stages.  She left her elementary school teaching
job to be home full-time with her baby.  She made friends with a number of
other new mothers and also kept in touch with her colleagues.  She saw a need
for quality day care in her neighborhood and began to formulate an idea that
could one day accommodate mothering and a work life related to her
expertise--runninga family day care herself.

Your balance will keep changing with time.  You will need to reassess your
feelings and decisions as you and your family grow.  Your husband's role also
plays an important part.  New phases of development in your child will elicit
new emotions from you.

Motherhood is a time to grow and learn about yourself and your life goals.
It Work and Motherhood ^ 69 is a time of joy and playfulness.  It is a time
of increased responsibilities.  It is in everyone's best interests yours,
your husband's, your baby's, your boss's to figure out what you can do and
what you want to do.  There may not be a single "right" choice, but there is
one that is manageable and balanced for you.

Feeding and Nurturing Trusting Your Baby's Appetite Feeding a baby is part of
the very earliest communication between parent and child.  More than simply a
matter of providing nutrition, the process triggers a pattern of responses in
both infant and parent.  Each time you respond to your baby's signal of
hunger by offering milk you are reinforcing her ability to communicate hunger.

Each time you stop feeding your baby when she indicates that she is no longer
hungry, you are respecting her ability to express that.

Your reading of, and response to, your baby's cues helps to teach her to
understand her own feelings of hunger and fullness as it strengthens her
sense of trust in herself, in you, and in the world around her.  And with
each feeding that goes well, your sense of confidence as a nurturer will
build.

"When Justin is at my breast I think we are both truly blissful,"

says Jane.

"But the whole process of breast feeding hasn't been easy."

70 Feeding and Nurturing t_-c'-^ 71 Jane's belief in, commitment to, and
emotional satisfaction from breast feeding carried her through two
challenging months with her baby.  Justin's birth weight of six pounds, two
ounces, was on the low end of average.  He was wiry, active, and hungry,
needing to nurse around the clock, every one to two hours.

"I knew I wanted to breast-feed, but I never anticipated what it would
entail.  It was as if he couldn't get enough," Jane explains.

"Life was one extended feeding, day and night.  I had never been so tired.
And I began to wonder if I was producing enough milk.  But my mother told me
that as a baby I had gained weight very slowly, too.

And I was a formula baby, but she said I was always him- gry, too.

"When Justin was four weeks my left nipple cracked.  I could only nurse on
the right side and then my left breast became engorged.  I remember thinking

"Great, what next?"  Well next came a breast infection.  I had a fever for
two days.  The whole thing was a,nightmare.

"My mother was over every day.  And Ethan got off from work early every
afternoon for a week to help out.  I couldn't do anything.  I needed hot and
cold compresses on my breasts.  And sleep.  It was the most I could do to
wake up to nurse Justin."

"The pediatrician thought Justin wasn't getting enough milk from me and
recommended that I supplement with formula.  I balked.  I know there isn't
anything wrong with formula, but it wasn't what I wanted to do."

Justin's doctor agreed to support Jane's decision to continue solely with
breast feeding only if Jane agreed to bring Justin in every week to have his
weight gain monitored.  Antibiotics cleared up Jane's breast infection 72
'^-s A MOTHER'S CIRCLE quickly, and she was able to nurse comfortably again
within a few days.

"I'm really glad we stuck it out," Jane finishes.

"Justin's appetite has become less voracious.  He's on a more regular nursing
schedule now.  He's still on the low end of the charts.  But he's gaining
weight and thriving."

^^ BREAST FEEDING OR BOTTLE FEEDING

The decision to breast- or bottle-feed your baby is an in- tensely personal
one.  Whether you are nursing or giving your baby formula from a bottle,
there are benefits to each choice.

Breast milk is more easily digested by babies, contains important antibodies
that supplement the baby's developing immune system, and presents less risk
of allergy.  It satisfies a baby's thirst, hunger, and sucking needs.  Breast
feeding is also good for the mother.  Women who breast- feed have a reduced
incidence of breast cancer.  Additionally, hormones associated with breast
feeding help return the mother's uterus to its original size more quickly.
Nursing burns calories and helps some new mothers to lose weight.  Breast
milk is convenient, portable, and cost-free.

Formula can keep a baby satisfied longer and some mothers say it helps their
babies to sleep for longer stretches at a time.  Unlike breast milk, formula
can be measured and a baby's daily intake gauged.  Bottle feedingallows a
mother certain freedoms to feed her baby while on line at the supermarket,
for example; to eat spicy foods, drink alcohol, or take medicines that might
otherwise be restricted from a nursing mother's diet.  There is less physical
strain on her body.  Fathers and other family members Feeding and Nurturing
<_-c^> 75 can be more involved with this part of child care and
middle-of-the-night feedings can be shared.

When it is possible and pleasurable for a woman to do so, we advocate breast
feeding.  Even a week of breast feeding is worthwhile, giving the baby
colustrum and you the chance to try nursing.  And it is not a failure to
stop.  More important than the way a baby is fed, however, is that a mother
and her baby are comfortable and happy together.

Both breast and bottle feeding provide the nutrition a baby needs.

Both offer the chance for genuine intimacy and attachment between a mother
and her baby.

Breast Feeding The Highs and Lows Though breast feeding can come to feel easy
and comfortable for both mother and baby, it is important to realize that it
can be, and often is, difficult.  This is especially true during the
beginning weeks.  Breast feeding is not a completely instinctive act for the
mother.  Sometimes it does not come easily to the infant either.  Once a
mother and baby have mastered the fine art of nursing, many describe it as a
deeply satisfying experience.  Ronnie de- scribes a state of "nursing
nirvana" which she slips into while breast feeding Elyse, a sense of newfound
purpose and well-being.  Most mothers will agree that when nursing is going
well, they feel confident, proud, and relaxed.

"What's the opposite of nursing nirvana?"  Nan asks.  "When Emma latches on
to my breast, it's a form of torture!  And what happens when they get teeth?"

It requires a certain amount of confidence to proceed in the face of sore
nipples, a demanding feeding schedule, or feelings of frustration and
exhaustion.  If you do run into difficulties and are without support, you may
experi74 <-^ _ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

ence some loneliness, even some desperation.  You may be feeling inadequate
and insecure.  When you seek out help, it may seem there are only two camps
of thinking: those ardently in favor of breast feeding and those who simply
say

"Use formula."  Both seem to focus on the end and not the process and can
disregard a mother's feelings.

Some- times all it takes for a new mother to get on track is some
encouragement and advice.  But sometimes, for one reason or another, breast
feeding doesn't work out.  Some babies develop lactose intolerance or milk
allergies.  Others do not gain weight well.

If there are no medical reasons against it, and you want to breast-feed but
are having some trouble with it, we recommend that you give yourself at least
a month before you decide to change course.  Talk with your pediatrician and
stay in regular touch with him or her throughout this early period.  Enlist
the support of an experienced friend or the professional assistance of a
lactation specialist.  An experienced mother is often the most helpful and
her practiced eye may see that you are holding your baby in an awkward
position or that you are not drinking as much water as you should be.

Sometimes the company and support of a friend will relax you enough to make
nursing less stressful.  Once mothers get through the initial, trying weeks,
most agree breast feeding is well worth the effort.

Changing Theories For most of the twentieth century, and since the invention
of formula, there has been great pressure on new mothers to bottle-feed their
babies.  Recently the pendulum has swung back the other way in favor of
breast Feeding and Nurturing o-a 75 feeding.  Of the nine mothers in the
group, seven chose to breast-feed and two use formula.  Alicia, a lawyer back
at work full-time, found the pressure to breast-feed offensive.

"Six hours after Keith was born someone from the hospital came to my room and
announced that she was there to help me with breast feeding," Alicia recounts.

"She didn't ask me what I planned to do.

According to her, breast feeding was the only way to go.  When I told her I
had decided to use formula she said I would be cheating myself and my baby if
I didn't breast-feed and that plenty of working mothers nursed their babies.
I felt like she was on a mission.  "

Many women report receiving inordinate pressure to nurse their babies from
health professionals, from the media, from other mothers.

Some say they feel as if there was no choice.  Alicia did not have a personal
desire to breast-feed and the demands of her job made it an unrealistic goal.
Fortunately she was confident in her decision.

Many women prefer to bottle-feed their babies.  It is how they were fed and
how their mothers fed their siblings, it is what they grew up accustomed to
seeing, and it seems the most comfortable and natural choice to them now.  In
some instances a woman may not have a choice.  Illness may prevent her from
nursing, or her baby's illness may necessitate her being bottle-fed.  If you
find yourself in circumstances which do not favor breast feeding, or if you
prefer to bottle-feed, you may feel some guilt from the pressures around you.

Again, how you feed your baby is not what is ultimately important.

Nurturing and closeness are.

At this, Marta, who looks as though she's been holding her breath, exhales.

76 '-a-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE "This whole topic is hard for me," she says.

"But I promised myself I was going to talk about it.  I'm not having
practical difficulties with Sarah's feeding.  It's really more my problem.
Sarah's adopted, so I'm not going to be nursing, but I'm envious of all of
you who can.  I sometimes wonder Does Sarah want to nurse?  Does she know I'm
not her birth mother?  Will I ever really feel like her mother?  It probably
sounds crazy to you."

"I don't think it's crazy," Ronnie responds.

"I'd feel the same way.

I am nursing Elyse and even so I feel like a fake sometimes.  In the
beginning I kind of pretended to know what I was doing.  I thought to myself,

"A real mother would instinctively know."  When I was in the hospital I
wondered when the 'real mother' would come to take over.  "

Many of the adoptive mothers in our groups have re- acted as Marta has,
assuming that their insecurities are due to their adoptive status.  It is
helpful for Marta to hear other mothers talk about their own feelings of
uncertainty or inadequacy.  Whether you nurse or use formula, feeding a baby
is not as simple or straightforward as it looks.  It can be a highly
emotional process.  It helps to know that with time, ease and confidence will
come.

^^ YOUR OWN EATING HISTORY

Food plays a powerful role in our lives.  It is and always will be associated
with deeply cherished rituals and celebrations.  Tastes and aromas can unlock
childhood memories Food and eating give a rhythm to the days and mark the
passage of seasons and holidays.

Feelings about food, Feeding and Nurturing <---^ 77 eating, and mealtimes
from your own childhood will af- feet your response to feeding your baby.

In today's culture, dieting has become a way of life for many women.

For them, food is a constant preoccupation, an emotional symbol, even an
enemy.  It is associated with self-image, anxiety, and denial.  The high
numbers of women with eating disorders in this country point to the
connections between mental health and eating.  As a mother embarking on the
process of teaching another human being about food, it can be helpful and
important to look at your own feelings about food, weight, and body image.

This strikes a chord for Elizabeth who says,

"I think I do trust Lucy's appetite but every once in a while I look down at
her as she's guzzling away and I think" --She's a little piglet!  " She seems
hungry all the time, and I worry that she's going to be fat.

"At her three-month checkup Lucy weighed fifteen pounds!  Mostly I'm glad
that she is a good eater, but there's a voice inside me that keeps saying,

"She's going to be a fat kid if you don't watch out."

 " Many new mothers worry about under- or overfeeding their babies.

Monthly visits to the pediatrician that con- firm an average and steady
weight gain do little to help.  Sometimes this worry is set off when a mother
and baby have a difficult time getting started with breast feeding or when,
for example, a baby has colic and seems to find relief only when she is
eating.  If a mother's preoccupations linger despite the fact that her baby
is thriving, her own history may offer an explanation.

Elizabeth tells us that she never had a weight problem, but that her sister
Patricia did, and that she was made fun of, especially by their brother.

78 ^-?  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

"I don't know if Patricia suffered more from being chubby or from all the
nasty comments she got," Eliza- beth tells the group.

"She was called Tatty Patty' most of her childhood.  And my parents allowed
that kind of name-calling to go on within the family.

"Lucy actually reminds me of my sister in some ways," Elizabeth muses.

"Her eyes, her expressions, and certainly in her need to always have
something in her mouth."

Elizabeth never had weight problems herself, but the message in her family
was clear fat was bad and cause for ridicule.  For years Elizabeth harbored a
certain guilt for being the thin one.  But in her adult years, Patricia
successfully shed her extra weight, and Elizabeth believed that childhood
chapter to be closed.  She sees, however, that many of her current feelings
about food and weight stem from these early experiences and that this is
getting tangled up with her attitudes about feeding Lucy.

Young girls get the message early in our society that there is an ideal body
type thin which they must try to conform to, no matter how they came into the
world.  Strong feelings of guilt, revulsion, anxiety about control, desire
for affection and worry about appearance can become associated with the
wonderful act of eating.

Food and drink have also taken on the roles of stimulants and relaxants.  As
a result, over time women have lost their trust in their natural appetities.
It is no wonder, therefore, that some mothers do not trust their babies'
appetites either.  But they can.  A healthy baby will naturally eat the
amount she or he needs.  Mothers offer a great gift to their children by
giving them a sense of control over the eating process, as well as a natural,
unencumbered appreciation for food.

Feeding and Nurturing <--c^> 79

^^ A DEVELOPMENTAL MODEL

In the womb a baby is fed by a continuous flow from her mother's bloodstream.
She does not experience hunger or fullness.  A baby is born with an innate
sucking reflex, but she has to learn how her newly separate body works and to
communicate when she is hungry and when she is full.  A mother's job is to
learn how to interpret her baby's signals, to respond and ultimately to help
her baby feel satisfied and comfortable.

A newborn's first three months are generally a period of intense, focused
feeding.  Babies will close their eyes, work hard, and expend lots of energy
as they nurse or bottle-feed.  They finish sweaty and often tired.  As you
get to know your baby you will come to know how she likes to be held during a
feeding, how long her feedings last, when and how she needs to be burped, and
how long before she will feel hunger again.  Once feeding is going smoothly,
many mothers feel in tune with their babies, anticipating their hunger needs
instinctively.  Some nursing mothers describe waking in the middle of the
night as their milk comes in, seconds before the baby awakens and cries.
When a baby's hunger cries are answered, her hunger is replaced with a sense
of well-being.  These good feelings come to be associated with the breast or
bottle and also with the mother--how she smells, feels, holds, speaks, and
caresses while she feeds.

^s HUNGER AND COMFORT "I nurse Elyse every couple of hours," says Ronnie.
"Sometimes she's hungry but sometimes she just needs to 80 ^ A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE

be comforted.  My husband says,

"She's always nursing!"  But if that's what she wants, why shouldn't I?
Isn't that reasonable?  "

If it is soothing and pleasant for both of you, then it is reasonable and
appropriate in these early months to offer your baby your breast whenever she
seems to want it.  Suckling can often be as much for comfort, warmth, and
closeness as it is for sustenance.

Both breast- and bottle-fed babies derive great comfort from sucking.

But it can be hard to judge what a baby needs.  Babies who are tired,
overstimulated, or uncomfortable may behave as if they are hungry by crying,
rooting at your breast, or making sucking sounds for a bottle.  If you think
it seems early for her to need to eat again, you can try something other than
feeding to try to soothe her.  Offer a pacifier, your finger, her fingers or
thumb to suck on.  If one of these satisfies your baby, she may calm easily
or drift to sleep.

All babies are different.  Each baby comes into the world with his own
specific body type, energy level, caloric needs, and feeding style.

Babies go through phases, appetite spurts, growth spurts, and slower periods.
Even as it waxes and wanes, your baby's appetite is to be trusted.

Like Elizabeth's baby, Lucy, some babies can only be described as born
eaters.  They have an instinctive capacity to latch on to the nipple and to
suck.  Some "born eaters" have built-in timetables and develop an eating
schedule early on.  Others are not as predictable; they wake and feed
irregularly and seem to take different amounts each time.  Nan's baby, Emma,
can be described as a grazer.  She snacks on and off throughout the day,
taking small amounts frequently.  Ronnie's baby, Elyse, nurses well but
Feeding and Nurturing < c^> gl regularly spits up afterward.  Pediatricians
reassure mothers that spitting-up is common and usually will pass by the
first birthday.  In the first weeks Jessica found that it helped if she
loosely swaddled Nell for her feedings.  Now Jessica finds that it helps when
she nurses Nell in a dark, quiet room.  Nell often also requires extra
comforting after a feeding.  Some babies are so sleepy during their first
weeks of life that a feeding tires them out and they will fall asleep midway,
more content to snooze than to eat.  Some babies may have difficulty getting
their mouth positioned on the nipple correctly and need help each time.
Other babies resist the nestle-in-your-arms, rock-a-bye- baby position of
feeding.  All babies need physical contact, especially at mealtimes.
Experiment with a variety of positions until you find one that is mutually
comfortable for you and your child.

Babies vary in their feeding schedules.  To underscore this point we asked
Nan and Ronnie to compare Emma's and Elyse's schedules.  Their babies were
both born at full term, both are breast-feeding, weigh within a few ounces of
each other, and are less than two weeks apart in age.  Their feeding
schedules, however, are very different.

Emma is eight and a half weeks old.  She wakes for her first nursing sometime
around 6:00 a.  m.  Generally she nurses again at 8:00 a.  m.  before her
morning nap and then after her nap at 10:00 a.  m.  " and then again at 11:30
a.m.  Most days she will nurse every two hours until bedtime at 10:30 p.m.
She usually wakes sometime between 2:00 and 3:00 a.m.  for her
middle-of-the-night feeding.

Elyse is ten and a half weeks old.  For over a month now, she has been waking
up in the morning around 7:00 a.  m.  " nursing, and then taking her morning
nap.  Usually she wakes to feed again sometime before 11:00 a.m.  Then 82 ^^
A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

she doesn't need to eat again until the afternoon and usually not before 3:00
p.  m.  She nurses at 7:00 p.  m.  and before bedtime, around 11:00 p.  m.  "
and once during the night.

Both of these schedules are typical for infants and illustrate how very
different babies can be in their daily rhythms.  We encourage mothers to
adopt a flexible approach to feeding during the first three months and to
freely respond to their babies' cries of hunger.

Most babies can tolerate hunger only in small doses before they cry out.  To
make an infant wait until the clock says it's time to eat can be
overwhelming and disorganizing for her.  Gradually your baby will eat larger
amounts less frequently.  A baby's early random schedule will naturally
develop into a more predictable pattern.

^^ COMBINING NURSING WITH BOTTLES

Many new mothers will want to nurse their babies as well as feed them from
bottles.  For these mothers we recommend introducing a bottle at three weeks.
Starting this early can avoid some resistance to the bottle.  Some babies
will easily switch back and forth between these two methods.  Other babies
are more finicky.  Initially, breast-fed babies can be adamant about
refusing a bottle.  In this case, it might help to experiment with timing.
Offer a bottle when your baby is in an easy, good mood.  Try after he has
nursed on one breast and taken the edge off of his hunger.  Or, try first
thing in the morning or during a middle-of-the-night feeding.

As important as the timing is your attitude about introducing a bottle.  Offer
your baby a bottle, but don't push it.  Try to stay flexible and playful.
After a few minutes of Feeding and Nurturing < -c^> 85 play see this as a
successful attempt and stop, even if she has taken no milk.  Try again later
in the day.  Most babies will take to a bottle after a week or two of being
offered it in an easygoing manner.  For those babies who repeatedly reject a
bottle, some parents have reported that fast, rhythmic rocking while
offering a bottle can work.  They describe the rockingas hypnotic.  And then,
once the adjustment to the bottle has been made, the rocking is no longer
necessary.

The familiar smell of mother's milk can confuse and frustrate a baby who is
being offered a bottle for the first time.  For this reason many experts
advise that a mother stay out of this process altogether.  But in many cases
we have found that the mother is precisely the best person to take on this
task.  Her early weeks and months of caring for her baby have taught her to
understand her baby's signals and nuances of behavior better than anyone
else.  As a result she is usually in the best position to teach her baby this
new skill.

"I've got such mixed feelings' about weaning," says Nan.

"I'm ready to reclaim my body, but I know that breast milk is good for Emma.
The thing is I'm considering taking on another freelance job and I have to
think about cutting down."

Breast feeding works on supply and demand.  Less milk is produced when less
milk is taken.  As long as you continue to breast-feed every morning,
evening, and again before you put your baby to bed at night, you should be
able to continue for as long as you like.  Some women take a breast pump to
work.  But if you want to breast- feed at the beginning and end of the day,
pumping may not be necessary.  As you nurse less frequently, your breasts
will begin to get smaller and you might feel as 84 <-^.  - A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

though you have less milk.  However, in most cases you are still producing
enough milk to meet the demands of your baby's feeding schedule.  And, if you
change your mind and decide to breast-feed more often, you can make a gradual
increase as well.

^^ YOUR BABY GREETS THE WORLD

"Do you see this?"  Maggie asks, nodding toward Jack, who is at her breast.

"He's hungry.  He starts to nurse.  And then he pulls away from me.

Sometimes he literally spits out my breast!  "

Jack has, in fact, pulled off of Maggie's breast, is peeking out from under
her oversize shirt and looking around the room.

"I know he's hungry," says Maggie.

"He hasn't eaten in four hours."

Maggie holds Jack horizontally, tucks him back in under part of her shirt,
and offers her breast again.  But Jack refuses.

"This drives me crazy.  I've heard about self-weaning, but I didn't think it
could happen so soon.  He may be ready, but I'm not!"

As a baby passes the three-month mark, her focus will widen to greet the
world.  Her time of frequent and focused feeding is drawing to an end.
Instead of giving full attention to the breast or bottle, she can become
distracted by the sights and sounds around her.  Duringa feeding your baby
may stop to look about.  She can take in her surroundings with more sustained
interested now.  She might return to the breast or bottle for a few swallows
Feeding and Nurturing c-^c^a 85 and then pull off again to smile, to grab at
your hair, or to bang on the bottle with her tiny fist.

Many nursing mothers misinterpret these changes as the first indications of a
natural self-weaning.  It can look and feel as if your baby is rejecting your
breast and it's not surprising that a new mother might think this.  The
resulting stop and start process of feeding will take longer and may
frustrate you but it does not mean your baby has lost interest in nursing.
There is simply more competition for her attention as she discovers the world
around her.  During this new halting phase of feeding, it's important to let
your baby explore, turn, push away, and then return for more, both of you
participating in the give-and- take of feeding and socializing.

Remember that the but- tons on your blouse are wonderfully compelling to a
baby.  By allowing for some play and socializing, you foster her sense of
enjoyment during feedings.  You may find that the early morning and bedtime
feedings retain the focused quality of the earlier months.  But don't expect
your four- month-old to nurse continuously while three people are talking in
the room.  Those people, your conversation and gestures are newly fascinating
to her.

"Sometimes I wish Lucy would let go of my breast!"  says Elizabeth.

"Especially before she looks around.  But she holds on for dear life.

At this point my breasts could probably stretch across the room!  "

Maggie laughs along with the others but then becomes serious.  She says with
concern that Jack pulls off her breast all the time.

"I can accept that he needs to look around, but I'm worried that he is not
getting enough milk.  He's not nursingas long as he used to."

By this age, your baby has become a stronger, more efficient sucker and can
get what she needs in five to ten 86 <^-^- A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

minutes at each breast rather than fifteen or twenty.  You too have become
more adept.

"This should all be reassuring to me," says Maggie.  "But still this whole
feeding thing makes me nervous.  I feel myself almost getting angry when Jack
pulls away."

It can be upsetting to acknowledge angry feelings toward your baby.

At times like these of developmental change, feelings of confusion,
frustration, and even anger are natural.  They exist for all parents.

Like loving feelings, they are part of the parent-child relationship.

Usually, a little patience and the awareness of this natural developmental
change can help.  But for some new mothers, this transition is accompanied by
ongoing worry, sadness, or anger.  When these feelings persist, the mutual
pleasure of the feeding experience can be undermined.

Until recently breast feeding was something Maggie truly enjoyed.  In fact,
she says it was one of her favorite parts of motherhood.  But now the smooth
flow between her and.  Jack has been disrupted.  At first, she thought it was
because she was nervous about the prospect of returning to work.  But the
anger and near-dread she now feels at each feeding indicate that Jack's
behavior is stir- ring up other emotions in her.

When we ask Maggie why she thinks she's upset, she says self-mockingly,

"I guess I never realized how important it is for me to feed people.  Now I
know why I'm in the restaurant business.  When it comes down to it, I'm a
real Jewish mother."

"Was your mother a 'real Jewish mother' too?"  Marta asks Maggie.

"I guess so," Maggie replies.

"She was a great cook.  The kitchen was a wonderful place to be with her.
She Feeding and Nurturing < c^> 87 used to cook enough to feed any friends we
brought home."

At this, Maggie's voice trails off and she bites her lip to keep herself from
crying.  During our discussion the previous week, Maggie had told us that her
parents were divorced when she was eleven and that her mother had left home.
Despite Maggie's recently renewed relationship with her mother and her
loving attachment to her stepmother, Maggie is still sad and unresolved about
her early loss.  It's not uncommon that the issue of feeding will spark the
fire of feelings from childhood.  For Maggie, the loss of her mother set a
sense of yearning in place.  Twenty years later, as Maggie became a mother
herself, these emotions are becoming vivid again.

During the first months of motherhood, breast feeding was a mutually
nurturing experience for Maggie and her baby.  But when Jack began the
natural process of greeting the outside world, Maggie interpreted this as if
he were rejecting her, as if he were leaving her; she felt that she had
failed to keep him interested' and close.  Becominga mother and having the
support of this circle of mothers is helping Maggie to confront her past, to
work to under- stand it better and to grow and change along with her baby.
She must now grant Jack the right to be more inde- pendent without taking it
personally.  It will be the first such letting-go of many.

"I know I'll always be sad about my mother," Maggie says.

"But I thought I had worked out most of those feelings and accepted them.  I
never expected to be loading them onto my own child!"

The experience of having a baby is one that sends women into realms left
unattended for years, back to childhood scenes thought resolved, or at least
safely 88 <-^- -A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

tucked away.  Inevitably, the process of caring for and nurturinga baby will
bring to the surface many old emotions.  This is part of the pain and
richness that is parenthood.

t-^ WEANING The decision about when to wean a baby from breast feeding is a
highly personal one.  No one's opinion is more important than yours.

If you decide to wean before your baby's first birthday, however, we
recommend weaning to a bottle.  Through the first twelve months a baby needs
the comfort that sucking provides.  She also needs to be held during
feedings.  The second half of the first year is a time of dramatic motor
development as well as one of ambivalence about separations.  Takinga bottle
while being held provides your baby with important security, warmth, and
confidence.

"I never imagined that feeding a baby could be so emotional," says Ronnie.

"I feel like crying just thinking about weaning Elyse.  I know I'm going to
have a hard time with it, even when it is the right time."

Jane agrees.

"I know what you mean.  Now that things have smoothed out with nursing I
never want to stop."

"For me it will be something of a relief," says Nan.  "The truth is I'm
looking forward to being done with nursing."

When a mother weans her baby she may experience a sense of liberation.  She
may celebrate her baby's growing independence.  Or this can be a time of
sadness as she lets go of her baby's infant stage.  Weaning marks the end of
a primitive, physical, and psychological connection between mother and child.
A mild form of mourning at this stage Feeding and Nurturing t <^> 89 is not
abnormal.  Before long, however, new ways to communicate this bond with her
baby will emerge.

Babies may regress temporarily or become especially needy when they are being
weaned.  Babies who are already using their fingers or a spoon to eat solid
foods may go through a period during weaning in which they resist feeding
themselves.  In this case, indulge your baby for a few days.  She will soon
return to her more independent self.

"\ can't imagine being able to soothe Elyse without nursing her,"

says Ronnie.

If nursing has been a primary way to comfort your baby when she is cranky,
hurt, or frustrated, you may initially feel a little lost without it.  Your
baby may need extra cuddling, holding, and rocking to compensate for a while.
Over time you will develop new ways to comfort your baby that work just as
well as nursing once did.

Your baby may or may not express upset at being weaned.  No matter what her
reaction, use words to tell her what is happening.  Try to be straightforward
about it.  And be careful not to place too much emphasis on the idea that
your baby is a "big girl" or a "big boy" now.  She is still very young and
needs the comfort and closeness of mother.

^^ FEEDING AND INDEPENDENCE

As your baby grows, her sense of autonomy begins to blossom and she can take
pride in feeding herself.  Pediatricians vary in their opinions on this but
generally agree that solid foods can be introduced anytime between four to
six months.

90 <^-5 .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Initially, your baby's eating experience is just that an experience.

She might swallow a little but mostly she will want to touch, squeeze, paint
with, and drop food.  Once the novelty has worn off and a degree of
familiarity with new tastes and textures has been developed, a baby will
generally turn her attention to actually eating.  As important as offering
food when you think your baby is hungry is allowing her to tell you when she
is finished, whether it is after two tablespoons or a bowlful of cereal.  Try
not to cajole your baby into opening her mouth for one more bite because you
want the bowl to be clean.  Let your baby tell you when the meal is over.  A
baby has some very direct ways of saying this.  One is to shut her mouth
tightly.  Another is to turn her head to the side.  Another is to spit her
food out.  Although this seems pretty obvious, it is hard to know whether she
is communicating "No more, thank you" or

"I want to play for a minute."  One workable rule of thumb is to offer a
spoonful twice after the first rejection.  If your baby's answer is "no" two
more times, end the feeding.

Throughout a baby's first year, eating solids and makinga mess are
synonymous.  A baby will taste, smell, rub, spit, dribble, and smear food
everywhere.  Her eyes re- main completely innocent as she gives herself an
oatmeal facial or a carrot shampoo.  It may be easier to see the humor in
this if you keep in mind that this will not last forever.  Most mothers
agree, however, that day in and day out, the mess a baby makes with food
requires patience tolerance, and plenty of cleaning up.

"The word 'mess' doesn't describe it," Leslie protests.  "When it dries, that
cereal is like papier-macho.  It gets everywhere.  In his eyelashes and hair!
I've always known Feeding and Nurturing < -c^ 91 I was a clean-freak, but I
never knew how bad it was before this."

There is no way to stop a baby from getting messy while learning to eat solid
foods.  Remember, a primary goal is for your baby to get a sense that eating
is fun, that mealtimes are interesting, positive, and enjoyable, that she can
explore a little bit and control a little bit.  Your baby may want to eat and
then baby-talk and laugh with you, or rub her hands in the food.  She is in
the process of learninga whole new way of eating.

It is not imperative that your baby eat the same amount at every meal.  Like
adults, babies can be more hungry or less hungry on different days.  Don't
worry if there are days when your baby won't eat much at all.  All babies
have appetite and growth spurts as well as lulls through- out this period.

As your baby grows, her desire for independence will increase but not
uniformly in all areas of development.  Her increase in autonomy regarding
feeding may happen at six or seven months or not until the end or even beyond
the first year.  When it does happen, her opinions will become noticeably
stronger and she will want to try to do things without your help.  She may
want to hold her spoon herself or she may want to scoop up her cereal with
her hands.  She may reject foods she had been eating with pleasure and show
curiosity about new ones.

When your baby begins to show interest in feeding her- self, you may not be
able to tell the difference between eating and creative play.

To allow for your baby's inde- pendent efforts and also get her fed, try
using two spoons one for her to play with and one for you to feed her with.
Encourage your baby to feed herself and to try new things but allow her to
develop at her own rate.

92 <-^ .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Some days she will feel less ambitious than others and will want you to feed
her.  Once a baby has learned to crawl and even more when she has learned to
walk, it is very difficult for her to sit still in a high chair.  Some
parents have found that their baby will eat more and better if allowed to
take breaks to crawl or walk around and then come back for more.

Some babies by nature are simply more finicky about food.  This can be
frustrating, but it is important to recognize and accept.  If your baby wants
only to eat four or five different foods and rejects all others, supply what
she likes.  Eating should not be an arena for confrontation.  If you give her
the message that what she likes is alright with you, you will sidestep
battles about food that might otherwise last for years.  Continue to
introduce and offer new foods and encourage new tastes, but don't force the
issue.  Her tastes may broaden naturally with time.

"My memory doesn't go back to when I was a baby but I do remember my mother
forcing me to eat vegetables when I was a kid.  She was very strict about it.
To this day I hate vegetables.  I can't even look at some of them," says
Jessica.

"My sister has two children," Jessica continues.

"One is three years old and the other is eight months.  My sister has given
up trying to feed them a varied or balanced diet.  She says they eat the same
things over and over."

"I was a fussy eater too," says Ronnie.

"For years I ate only foods that were white cereal, toast, pasta.  You
wouldn't know it today.  I eat everything now."

People usually think of a balanced diet in terms of a single meal.

With babies and young children eating habits are so erratic that this balance
usually occurs only over the course of a week or even up to a month.  If your
baby Feeding and Nurturing < -<^ 93 only wants to eat applesauce and cereal
for three days in a row, and then switches to carrots and Cheerios for two
days and then will only eat yogurt and macaroni for the next two, any given
day seems unbalanced.  But judged as a whole, over a longer period of weeks,
her intake has been fairly well balanced.  Looking to the future, about
one-third of babies one to three years old will eat almost no vegetables
whatsoever.  And they survive.  Vitamins abound in a variety of foods today,
including formula, bread, and cereals.

^^ FOLLOW YOUR BABY'S LEAD

One of the simplest and perhaps most important ideas to keep in mind
regarding your baby's eating habits is that when they are offered food,
babies and children will eat if they are hungry.  They will not suppress
hunger or with- hold food from themselves.  You can trust your baby's
appetite.  You can safely follow your baby's lead in this regard.  A baby's
sense of participation, control, and enjoyment in the eating process is
paramount.  It is the foundation of a child's healthy attitude toward
eating and food.  Your sense of enjoyment will be enhanced by hers.

The session is drawing to a close.  As the women begin to gather their things
and zip up their bags, Leslie approaches us and speaks quietly.

"This talk has been a huge relief for me," she says.  "Ever since I got
pregnant, I've been worried that some- how my own anxieties about eating
would interfere with feeding my baby.  I struggled for years with an eating
disorder.  I'm better now, but I still don't trust my in94 <^^.  A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE

stincts.  The idea of trustinga baby's appetite makes it feel so much
simpler.  Who knows, maybe feeding Eric will end up helping me.  "

Our discussions on feedingare always full of practical concerns and
nuts-and-bolts questions.  But we have found that this subject can also
motivate mothers to look inward, to consider their own personal histories and
attitudes about food.  Leslie's feelings about feeding her baby reflect her
feelings about herself as a mother.  One of the many great things about
becoming a mother is the curative ef- feet a baby can have on you as you get
another chance to confront some difficult personal issues.  Leslie's openness
to change is an inspiration.

FOUR

Changes in Your Marriage The Duet Becomes a Trio "I feel more in love with my
husband than ever.  At times I am overwhelmed with passion for him.  It is a
wonderful time for us."

"I'm furious at my husband for not caring more, not participating more, not
helping more..  Sometimes the most insignificant things make all my anger
well up inside of me and I just hate him."

These statements were both made by Nan about her husband, Rick, during the
third and fourth months of new motherhood.  Husbands and wives are often
surprised at the intensity and range of feelings they have for one an- other
during the first year of parenthood.  Your feelings, too, may seem
exaggerated and contradictory at times.

Thoughts and behaviors that seem impossible to coexist do.

The transition to parenthood happens in fits and starts, with ups and downs
and continual adjustments in your 95 96 <^-'.  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

marriage along the way.  It can be a time of deepening love and renewed
commitment.  It can be a time of extreme marital stress and even of crisis.
It may well be the biggest challenge you face as a couple.  Even the
steadiest of husband-wife relationships will feel turbulence.  Your
successful navigation through this period does not necessarily depend on how
long you have been married, whether or not your baby was planned, how you
fared during pregnancy and childbirth, or on your financial situation
Instead, much depends on mutual respect, flexibility, and communication.
Ultimately, a lot comes down to hard work, shared vision, and blind faith.

Many couples become especially close during the last months before their baby
is due.  Both man and woman project and dream about their baby-to-be and what
parenthood will hold for them.  If they attend childbirth classes, the man
may develop a heightened appreciation for his wife.  He may also feel
grateful to have, at last, a role to play in the upcoming delivery.  As she
gets bigger and bigger, the woman may become increasingly dependent on her
partner.  The progression of the pregnancy, her growing belly and nervous
excitement, the teamwork between husband and wife during childbirth, all
climax with the arrival of the new baby.

You will probably find, as most couples do, that parenthood is a surprise
package.  It's not exactly what you expected, read, or talked about, or even
what you hoped or feared it might be.  Not only is a new little person
developing before your eyes, you are being transformed as well.  As small and
helpless as your new baby is, he has the ability to cast powerful spells on
your marital Changes in Your Marriage " e^s 97 relationship as he brings out
new facets in your personalities.

By the time we reach our discussion on marriage the group has been together
for over a month.  The women talk easily and openly and have come to depend
on the group.

"Today we are going to talk about how parenthood has affected your
marriages," we begin.

"I have to go now," Elizabeth says, and laughter fills the room.

It is not unusual to want to run and hide from the confusing changes that are
taking place in your marriage.  New feelings about your spouse are hard to
confront.  Strong negative ones are painful to accept.  Change of any sort
can be worrisome or frightening.  A lot of women keep quiet, thinking they
alone are guilty of murderous thoughts about their husbands.  But as soon as
one cat is out of the bag, many more follow.  And as the women see themselves
in the others' stories, their own feelings be- come less threatening, less
overwhelming.

"My husband says we're not workingas a team any- more.  And he's right,"
Jessica comments.

"I thought my husband was more sensitive," says Leslie.  But he's not acting
like the man I married.  He comes home late.  I'm a wreck.  And he actually
sits down in front of the television as if nothing is wrong.  He would never
have done that before the baby.  It makes me so sad.  "

"Our love life was good before the baby," says Eliza- beth.

"Even through most of the pregnancy.  But now, if he tells me one more time
that he's 'patiently waiting for some good loving," I'll scream.  "

98 ^-?  - A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Maggie sums it up succinctly, saying,

"This baby has totally transformed our lives!"

As parents, you will have to adjust to new levels of stress and fatigue, a
new kind of social life and even a new sex life.  Your focus, your needs and
ability to give to one another will change.

Your interests, concerns, and conversations will change.  Feelings about time
and money will change.  The division of labor in your house, as well as the
balance of power between you and your partner, will change.  Given the
all-encompassing nature of this life transition, it makes sense that couples
will struggle as they adjust to parenthood.

"At times it is intensely competitive between us.  It's as if we are both
keeping silent scores," says Nan.

The early weeks and months of new parenthood can seem like a blur, a wild run
of emotions.  Life is in upheaval your marriage is stressed, but often little
is said or done about it.  Consumed with the care and growing love for their
babies, new mothers often feel sequestered from the rest of the world, lonely
and overwhelmed by all the changes in their lives.  Often new fathers say
they don't know how to act at home anymore.  At day's end, both husband and
wife crash with exhaustion, knowing something feels wrong but too tired or
confused to talk about it.  When asked to describe their marriages in these
initial months of new parenthood, comments from the mothers in our groups
range from

"We're sailing" to "We're drowning."  Most agree that the waters are choppy.

Perhaps the greatest pressure on new parents is trying to live up to the
romantic image of happiness and harmony that a new baby is supposed to bring.
It is a myth Changes in Your Marriage t- c^> 99 that, as parents, you and
your husband will automatically feel more in love, more deeply bonded to one
another, fulfilled and happy.

Because everyone around you seems to expect you to be basking in new love, it
becomes especially difficult to handle the bad feelings you may be having.

"We are both stretched to our limits," says Nan.

"We are both working long, hard days.  He rarely gets to see the baby.  It's
not his fault, I know, but it makes me angry."

"There's lots more tension between us.  I snap like that," says Maggie,
clicking her fingers.

A baby can bringa husband and wife together, swelling their love with new
pride and affirming their bond.  But a lot of these good feelings can be
dampened by anger and resentment as the stresses of new parenthood play
themselves out.  More commonly, you may alternate between one day
feeling alienated from your spouse, an- other day, newly and deeply close.
Jealousy, competition, tension and judgmental feelings are all common, but
they can feel especially threatening to new parents who expected a more rosy
time of family life.  It can be liberating to let go of the myth of the new,
happy family, to work toward realistic expectations for each other and to
begin again to be in love.

"There is a definite Before and After feel to my relation- ship with my
husband," says Jessica.

"Most of the time I wish we had the Before back."

Though you may ache for the simplicity of it, you cannot realistically strive
to go back to anything resembling the Before.

You have to make something new a family.

"I am forced to be the practical person, to be totally in 100 ^-" A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE

charge of Nell, thinking ahead, taking care of details, making sure we have
what we need.  Greg has much more freedom, so of course he can be more
relaxed," says Jessica about her husband, who is a university professor.

"So he's the starved romantic and I've become the drone and the nag."

While there is a certain amount of humor in Jessica's description of herself,
it is clear that she is not happy with her own behavior and that she resents
her husband for not assuming more responsibility for Nell.

"My biggest worry right now is that I feel like I have nothing interesting to
talk about with David," says Ronnie about her husband, who is a lawyer with a
small firm.  "Dinner has always been our time for each other.  Now there's a
painful lack of conversation.  My day revolves around diapers and feedings
and, it's strange, but I don't know what else to talk about.  I think David
resents all the baby talk so I try not to talk about Elyse, and then we are
left feeling this distance between us."

"You know, I think Ethan and I had less connection before the baby,"

says Jane.

"We used to be on such separate tracks.  But now we have a common interest
Justin.  He has done more good for our marriage than anything else."

"Jonathan and I have been talkinga lot about him taking care of Lucy either
full-time or part-time after she is one year old," says Elizabeth.

"Just that awareness seems to make a difference between us.  Like we're in it
together."

Some couples do bond together in a new way, as Jane and Ethan did, merging
with a common focus.  As often, however, the paths and roles of husband and
wife as father and mother begin to diverge.  The arrival of a new Changes
in Your Marriage <^c^, iq! baby demands a major reshuffling and
reorganization of responsibilities and roles for a couple.  This, in itself,
necessitates some adjustment.  But beneath the logistical, domestic changes
is the shifting of attentions and affections going on within the new family.
New love alliances are forming and these alter the emotional balance of your
marriage.

^^ THE TRIANGLE

How would you feel if your husband fell in love with another person?

How would you feel if you fell in love with someone new?  The tricky part
about having a baby is that both husband and wife are falling in love with a
new person their baby.  Their once exclusive, eyes-for you-only relationship
has become a triangle.

"Saturday morning I got up early with Justin and brought him into bed with
us," Jane tells the group.  "Ethan was still asleep on his stomach with a
pillow over his head.  I was cooing and cuddling with Justin.  I whispered to
him,

"Who's my best boy?"  and Ethan's hand shot up.  It kind of broke my heart.  "

This image brings forth a mixture of sympathetic sighs and laughter from the
other mothers.  Elizabeth adds her version of the same story.

"When Jonathan was on his way out the door to go to work yesterday morning, I
was still in my nightgown, nursing Lucy on the couch.  He had said good-bye
to us and then from the doorway, he turned around and said in a sweet, little
voice,

"I'm jealous."  "

" I empathize with Jonathan," Nan says.

"Emma is the new love of Rick's life.  When Rick comes home from work 102
-^- A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

he always kisses Emma first.  I know this sounds silly, but it makes me feel
forgotten.  "

"That who-gets-the-first-kiss debate has come up for me and my husband, too,"
says Alicia.

"I'm guilty I know, but by the time I get home from work I'm physically
aching to see my baby.  It's not about loving one more than the other, but I
guess it feels that way to Alan."

The new love alliances created by your baby are bound to create jealousies,
hurt feelings, and misunderstandings between you and your husband.  These
responses are hard to own up to and sometimes communication will shut down as
a result.  The balances you had created in your marriage before the baby, the
compromises, understandings, forgivenesses, autonomies, and dependencies, no
longer seem to apply.

"Often Vince doesn't get home from work until 7:00 p.m.," says Leslie.

"By that time Eric's in his worst state of the day, and when Vince holds him
he cries more.  I know Vince is taking it personally.

He passes Eric back to me with a look of defeat.  I feel bad for him, but I
have to admit that part of me feels glad that the baby is choosing me.  "

"I'm amazed at how quickly my allegiances have shifted," says Nan.

"Rick is home with the flu right now.  Before the baby when he would get sick
I used to dote on him.  I'd get him orange juice and sit with him and, well
baby him.  Now it's

"Here's the Sudafed."  "

" I feel totally caught up with Sarah," says Marta.

"It's hard for me to even conceive of the demands of a husband as well.  I
would have a hard time splitting myself like that.  But I worry sometimes
that I'll never be able to make room for another relationship."

Changes in Your Marriage < c^> 103 "To be perfectly honest, I am more
interested in my baby than in my husband these days," Elizabeth admits.

Some new mothers describe the powerfully consuming connection to their babies
as bordering on the obsessional.  This absorption with the baby is a natural
and important phenomenon in the development of the mother-baby relationship,
especially in the first year.  But this bond can feel exclusive, especially
if the father is not made a part of the triangle in an intimate way.  A
father's ability to understand and accept this intense mother-child
connection is important to the adjustment of becoming a family.  But as
important is the couple's ability to stay connected in a loving way as
husband and wife.

^s BUTTING OUT "I know why my husband backs off from helping me with Jack,"
says Maggie.  "\ can't help it but I find myself correcting him all the time.

"You' put the outfit on back- ward.  The diaper is on too tight.

Hold him more securely in the bathtub.  More gently when he is takinga
bottle.  " I'd back off if he talked to me like that."

Most mothers describe themselves as desperate for a more equal sharing of the
work of parenthood with their spouse.  Yet these same women explain that they
often are unable to let go of the controls.

Fathers confirm that the more they are watched and negatively judged, the
less adequate they feel, the less well they perform, and the less inclined
they feel to jump in and do the job.  It can be hard to watch your husband
fumbling with the baby's diaper or to see him respond in a less than
perfectly at- tuned way.  But it is important for women to realize that 104
<^-^ -A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

it's alright for their husbands to do things differently.  So, bite your
tongue, tie your hands, keep your eyeballs from rolling, or simply leave the
house so that your husband has the chance to make his own mistakes.  It is
critical for new fathers to build their own expertise in their baby's care
and their confidence in this new relationship.  Some husbands need to be
actively encouraged to take their rightful place as parent.  But once they
are more involved with their baby's care they become both more adept and more
attuned with their child.  And with you.  The flip side of this coin is when
a father assumes the role of primary caretaker and the mother returns to the
work world.  These women may cringe with envy at the easy, everyday
relationship between father and child.

Many marital problems arise not for lack of love, but over the daily chores.
Often housework becomes the focus of arguments between a husband and wife
after a baby is born.  When asked how the division of labor at home had
changed since the baby's arrival, Leslie responded, "I am the Division of
Labor."

Jessica adds,

"I thought Greg said he would take on fifty percent of the housework.  But
now I'm thinking maybe he said fifteen percent.

When I ask him to help me around the house now he says,

"I work all day."  " Many men go into a

"Great Provider" mode during the early months of their baby's life.  They
become more driven, feel more responsible, and often more anxious.  They work
longer hours and become more preoccupied with their jobs.  Many new fathers
talk about the heightened sense of needing to succeed, of no longer having
time to experiment with their careers, of needing to establish and meet goals
more quickly.  It may seem like these Changes in Your Marriage <-^c^> 105
men are shying away from the intimacy of home life or shirking their share of
duties in the house and with baby care.  But when questioned, these men speak
more about their overwhelming feelings of responsibility toward their new
families and their worries about money.  The pressures of the traditional
role of father-as-breadwinner surface in the most modern of families.

"In my marriage the roles have become so set and so separate," says Leslie.

"Vince gets up early to leave for the office, works really hard, and comes
home late.  I take care of Eric and everything else at home.  But Vince says
to me at the end of the day,

"Every time I come home the baby is crying and the house is a mess and you are
in a terrible mood."  And he's right.  It all causes such scowlingand
bitching between us.  I don't even know what I want from Vince.  I guess a
break now and then or more respect for what I am doing.  "

"Get Vince to take care of Eric all day one Saturday," Jessica suggests to
Leslie.

"It worked for me.  Last week- end I went out for almost four hours and Greg
took care of Nell.  When I came home Greg was exhausted and said, " I can't
believe you do this all day every day!  " That felt good."

Jane says,

"I have to defend men here a little bit.  Ethan's not like some men I know,
who want to stay home with the baby, but he has been pulling his weight.  On
top of his work, he's been doing all of the shopping and cooking since Justin
was born."

Stepping away from the primary role with your baby and allowing your husband
to fill that spot on a regular basis will strengthen your marital
relationship and help to balance the division of labor in your home.  It will
give your husband newfound respect for the work you do and 106 '^ -^ .  A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

it offers him the chance to connect with his baby in a more intimate way.

^^ SEX AND ROMANCE

Nervous laughter is the response when we first question the women in our
group about their sex lives.  It doesn't take long, however, for them to get
right to the heart of the matter.

"My husband is grumpy and horny.  I'm bitchy and overtired.  It's all very
romantic," says Leslie.

"I'm so aware of Lucy in her nursery," says Elizabeth, "that I cannot relax
enough to begin to make love."

Nan says,

"At the end of every single fight we have whether it's about the baby, the
housework, money, his work schedule, or my exhaustion, when we finally get to
the real issue, it almost always revolves around sex.  He wants it, and I
don't have the desire.

Mentally or physically.  Then I feel like we've hit a brick wall.  "

As a couple's love song turns from a duet to a trio, many complain that the
passion and the romance, the tenderness and compassion have seeped out of
their relation- ship.  What happens to desire between husband and wife after
their first baby is born?  For some, it goes underground like a submerged
river, cuttinga new bed in which to flow for a while.  For some, it can dry
up altogether.  For others, desire will remain or even increase, flooding
over and bathing everyday relations with new vitality.

"I feel more attracted to my husband," says Ronnie.  "We make love more than
we used to.  Being parents Changes in Your Marriage t_^c^> 107 makes our
relationship so solid and so free at the same time.  I guess that makes me
feel sexy."

"I'm definitely more in love with my husband," says Jane.

"And our sex life is great.  When we get to it."

"Greg and I used to have a hot sex life," says Jessica.  "He was the
professor of a course I was takingand by the time I had finished the final
exam, there was electricity between us.  It was a very passionate
relationship.  We met in the afternoon to make love.  Now it's like I'm a
different person.  I feel self-conscious.  I can't relax."

The transition to parenthood can be even more difficult if a relationship had
originally been highly charged sexually and romantically.  The loss may seem
more profound, the changes more obvious, the sacrifice more difficult.

"We couldn't have sex during the last trimester of my pregnancy.  And then we
waited six weeks after Emma was born," says Nan.

"That's close to five months!  I don't think I remember how."

While some women report increased sexual desire and satisfaction during
pregnancy, typically sexual relations will diminish during these months.
Following the birth of a baby the sex life of new parents is temporarily on
hold.  The mother has undergone a major physical feat; roughly fifteen
percent of mothers have had major surgery.

Depending on the type of delivery, vaginal or C-section, the amount of
tearing or the need for an episiotomy, recovery time can last anywhere from
six weeks to six months.  Additionally, postpartum hormonal changes af- feet
the mother both physically and emotionally.

Up to ten percent of new mothers experience postpartum depression

The return to sexual relations presents challenges for most couples.

Maggie is twisting Jack's blanket in her hands as she 108 <^-^ .  A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE

asks,

"Is anyone else having trouble with intercourse?  It's been a little painful
for me.  It never was before."

Maggie's question elicits a chorus of groans from the group.

Elizabeth adds,

"Painful?  I wouldn't know.  I tell him to keep that thingaway from me."

Unfortunately, many women are not forewarned by their obstetricians or by the
literature that sex is usually uncomfortable and sometimes painful even after
the typical six-week postpartum waiting period.

Hormonal changes make the vaginal opening and walls tighter and drier.
Mothers who breast-feed report decreased vaginal lubrication for as long as
up to six months.  Some women tear internally during childbirth and the
resulting scar tis- sue can affect their enjoyment of sex.  If an episiotomy
was required, the perineum may still be sore even after the incision has
healed.

It may take several attempts over several weeks of trying before you are able
to fully engage in intercourse.  You and your partner should know that it may
take time to achieve full penetration comfortably.

K-Y jelly or some other water-based lubricant can help.  After a vaginal de-
livery, the size and position of a woman's uterus has changed.  You may
notice a change in what feels good for you, and trying different positions
may help this.

The hiatus in sexual relations, for whatever reasons, can turn into
interpersonal tension if left undiscussed.  Often couples find themselves in
adversarial positions, one wanting, the other denying.

Patience and care during sex and talking openly with your partner will help.
Inter- course will gradually start to feel good again as you engage in it
more regularly.  It is important to go at your own pace and to be gentle with
one another.  As you are working toward comfortable lovemaking, remember that
Changes in Your Marriage c^> 109 sexual and sensual pleasure can be achieved
in many ways.

Jessica looks agitated.

"It's been three months since I gave birth and I'm still not comfortable
having sex.  I asked my midwife about it and she said,

"Take your time."  Then I asked a friend who is a gynecologist and she said
not to worry, that it would improve.

Everyone else seems so calm about it.  But I'm really worried.  "

Typically, the waiting period for postpartum inter- course is six weeks after
delivery.  But everyone is different and personal timetables vary.  We've
known women who were able to have intercourse comfortably six weeks after
delivery and others who were not able to fully enjoy sex until six months
after the birth of their babies.  For some women the emotional aftereffects
of giving birth can be as real as the physical pain, and this, too, will
impact on the ease and enjoyment of sex.  For many the pain of intercourse is
reminiscent of labor and may be upsetting.  So if you, like Jessica, are
worried about your lack of comfort with sex since having your baby,
remember, it can take some women months to accept the extraordinary drama of
childbirth.

"When I get home I play with Keith, make dinner, and then Alan gets home and
we get a chance to visit," says Alicia.

"We try to catch up on each other's days, but Keith tends to take over.  Then
by the time I put the baby to bed, Alan and I are both ready for bed too.

Sometimes we look longingly into each other's eyes and then we both fall
asleep.  "

Most parents, and especially mothers, experience the effects of sleep
deprivation in the first few months of new parenthood.  Exhaustion decreases
libido or sexual drive.  Continually disrupted sleep may leave you slowed
down, Up c^-, .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE confused, out of sorts, depressed.  But
as time goes by your baby's sleeping patterns will become more regular, and
as you get more sleep and your fatigue lessens, sexual drive should increase.

"I can't even blame tiredness," says Nan.

"I feel loving and close with Rick but I don't want to make love with him the
way I used to.

What's even weirder is that I don't really miss it.  Emma gets more of me
these days than Rick does.  "

Nan's experience is not as unusual as she thinks.  Many new mothers report a
decrease in sexual desire for their partners, which seems, in part, to be
linked to the physical nature of caring for a baby.

The mother-child relationship can fulfill many physical and emotional needs
for a woman.  Feeding, kissing, holding, touching, and all the skin-to-skin
contact that is natural in the daily care of a baby can be very sensual.
After a full day of being with a baby, sexual gratification may seem
unnecessary.

"\ love to lie in the grass with him or take a bath together.  When we put
our faces together he sucks my chin.  I kiss his stomach and he laughs.  I've
never been so happy," says Jane.

Jane is not describing her marital love life but her maternal one.

She is in the process of falling in love with her baby and there is a romance
about it which is very in- tense.  Some husbands share in the romance and
love of their new baby.  Others derive pleasure watching their wives as
mothers.  But other men find this love relation- ship threatening.  Though
provocative, the "romance" between a mother and baby is not only normal, it
is a critically important element of a child's early development.

"There have been times since I split up with my husChanges in Your Marriage
< c^ 111 band when I've yearned to be close with a man," says Marta.

"But since Sarah came into my life I don't feel that as much anymore.

She's such good company.  And it's nice because I can love her as much as I
want to.  Some- times that's a little scary actually.  "

Many single mothers fear they may become overly de- pendent on their children
for a sense of intimacy and closeness.  This can be especially confusing in
the early months, when the mother-child relationship tends to be
all-consuming.  Marta is aware that she doesn't want her baby to be a
stand-in for a mature love relationship and we encourage her to enjoy the
positive and healthy feelings of love she has for Sarah.  What Marta's fears
point out for everyone is that the marital relationship can pro- vide an
important balance and sense of stability to a mother while she falls in love
with her baby.

One of the most common outcries of new parents is that the spontaneity has
gone from their marriage.  They can no longer decide at the last minute to go
out to a movie for coffee or an afternoon stroll.  Time doesn't un- fold
magically for them anymore and it iseasy to get into a rut of staying home,
taking care of the baby, and making sleep a priority.

It is extremely important to set aside time to be alone with your husband.  A
regular night out together once a week or once every two weeks can become a
treasured routine.  Only regular time together for fun and relaxation will
revive the feelings of intimacy and romance so many couples say they lack.

Elizabeth says,

"I got a baby-sitter for the first time when Lucy was two months old so
Jonathan and I could 112 <^-^ .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

go out on a date.  Being alone together reminded me of how close our
relationship really is.  "

"My husband wants to go out on a date.  But I don't want to leave the baby.
I just don't feel ready," says Jessica.

Sometimes a woman will admit that she is actually avoiding that first date,
afraid to confront the built-up tensions and disappointments that have grown
between her and her partner.  But a date can be exactly what is needed to
break a bad cycle.  If you are findinga dozen reasons why you don't have time
to be alone with your husband, it's time to evaluate why.

"It must be particularly difficult because Nell cries so much to feel alright
about leaving her," says Alicia to Jessica.

"But I think the hard part is making that first break.  I get so little time
with Keith that I really dragged my feet about that.  But when Alan and I
went out on our first date it was wonderful.  We didn't stay out long but it
made us realize we wanted and needed to do it more often."

"My first date was a fiasco," says Nan.

"Rick and I went out to the movies and an hour into it my milk came in.  I
suddenly became desperate to go home.  I started looking at my watch every
five minutes.  Rick tried to calm me down, and I burst into tears.  I ran to
the telephone and called to check on Emma.  My father-in-law told me she was
fine, not to worry, to have a good time.  I forced myself to sit through the
rest of the movie, but it was torture.  Before we were even out of the
theater Rick and I were fighting.

"I know I ruined that first date and that Rick was disappointed.

It's just that I've been so connected to the baby for so long that it feels
terrible to be disconnected.  It's not Changes in Your Marriage < c^> 115
just the two months she's been with us.  It's the whole pregnancy, too.  "

It can be hard to engage with your spouse when much of you remains with your
baby.  Sometimes it is best to plan a short outing for a first date so the
pressure is not on full steam.  Each time, leaving your baby will get a
little easier.  And when your baby starts to sleep longer at night it will be
easier to spend personal time awake with your husband on a regular basis.  In
fact, from all ac- counts, it is immeasurably helpful and strengthening to
the marital relationship.

One of the most important tasks of early parenthood is to balance your
attachment to your baby with the bonds of your marriage.  Your marital
relationship is vitally important to all three of you.  If you and your
husband make your marriage a priority, the whole family will benefit.

^^ LOVER AND MOTHER

"It's been a very sensual time for me," says Ronnie.

"I go from breast feeding the baby in her room back into a warm bed to make
love with my husband.  It all feels delicious."

Now that you have a baby your self-image begins to broaden, incorporating the
idea of Mother with Wife and Lover.  Some women find this process a natural,
enjoyable one.  But many find the pulls of motherhood challenging to the
marital relationship, especially in the beginning.  The roles of mother and
lover seem to be at odds with one another; the changed orientation from
sexual woman to nurturing mother a one-way street.  For example, if your 114
<-^->.  .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

breasts were an important erogenous zone in sexual play with your husband
before the baby, it can be confusing if you are breast-feeding.  A nursing
mother may feel inhibited if milk leaks from her breasts during foreplay.
She may feel jolted out of her sexual frame of mind.  Her husband may feel,

"Are these breasts mine or the baby's?"

"My husband brought me a present the other night," says Jessica.

"I

melted.  Then when I opened it, my heart fell.  He'd gone out and bought a
lacy, sexy thing.  It was the last thing on earth I felt like getting.  I was
embarrassed to even think about putting it on this body.  I didn't know how
to react.  So I made light of it.  I couldn't let him know how I was really
feeling.  "

One woman might enjoy a gift which affirms she is still sexy and attractive
to her partner.  But for another, putting on something silky or slinky can
feel ludicrous, especially if she is still overweight, engorged, and used to
wearinga nursing bra to bed at night.  A sexy nightgown may not have been the
gift that Jessica hoped for, but for Greg it was his way of telling Jessica
that she is as desirable and sexually attractive to him as ever.  We
understand Jessica's reticence to confront her husband with her true reaction
to the nightgown.  Honest communication about sexuality is difficult for most
couples.  But staying silent will only widen the gap between them.  If
Jessica and Greg can discuss the changes in their sexual feelings it can be
an opportunity for renewed closeness.

^^ HOW TO TACKLE CHANGE

The marital relationship is the foundation on which a baby grows.  New
parents, however, naturally focus their Changes in Your Marriage <-^s 115
attention and energies on their infant, and sometimes to the neglect of one
another.  The romantic feelings and sexual passion that created this very
baby may retreat in the face of so much change.  One tiny baby can create one
big power struggle between a husband and wife.

Marriage requires upkeep, patience, and honest communication There are many
ways to put energy into your marriage, to foster romance, reignite passion,
restore the balance and fun in your relationship with your spouse.  The women
with whom we have worked over the last eight years have each come
face-to-face with the challenge of keeping their marriages strong and
romantic in the company of a new baby.

They have talked openly with us and each other about what has worked for
them.  Here are some of their experiences and ideas: "Spend time alone with
your husband.  Go out for coffee, dinner, or for a long walk together.  You
might want to bring the baby along, and that's nice sometimes, but it's a
very different thing to be out alone with your husband."

"Every couple with children we know had told us to set a regular weekly date.
So we did.  But it felt like a luxury.  We had never gone out once a week
before the baby.  So we put it off and then suddenly we realized a whole
month had gone by.  So we tried again with once a week.  It still feels like
a luxury.  But a really important one."

"Find a good baby-sitter!  It's worth every penny."

"Don't expect your husband to read your mind.  Tell him what you are
thinking and how you are feeling."

116 <-^ -A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

"I get so caught up with everything I have to do that I'm runningall the
time.  I don't know how to stop.  So my advice to myself is Stop for a minute
every day and look into my husband's eyes."

"Almost my favorite thing to do with my husband is to read out loud together.
We've always done that.  We were going through a rough stretch and I was
readinga book on marriage.  I suggested we read it out loud together and his
response was " Don't enlist the experts against me!  " I kept bugging him
about it until he gave in.  And he admitted later that it was useful.  It is
a good way to start talking."

"I'm a bit of a sentimental sap, but every so often I get out our honeymoon
album and sit on the couch with my husband and we look at it together.  It
reminds us of all the reasons we fell in love, the reasons we chose each
other.  It puts us in that courting mood again."

"Things had to get pretty bad before my husband and I agreed to go, but
marriage counseling helped us.  We learned more about each other in six
months than in the four years we had been together.  The hardest thing the
therapist tried to get us to do was to listen to each other without getting
defensive.  That seems simple, but it's not.  It's almost impossible for me.
Especially when my husband is being critical.  I want to fight back.  But I
do this trick with myself.  I tell myself,

"Just listen to what he wants to say."  There's almost always a kernel of
truth in it.  And it's liberating for me to be able to tell him when
something is bothering me without getting into a fight.  "

Changes in Your Marriage <-^s 117 "One night after the baby was asleep my
husband was takinga shower.  I got in with him and it was so nice.  Like old
times.  I highly recommend it."

"The best thing we did for ourselves was to go on an overnight trip.  I have
it easy because my parents live nearby and they are great with the baby.  My
husband and I went to a funny little bed-and-break- fast on Long Island.  The
next morning it was like waking up on our honeymoon."

"By the time the baby is asleep at night the ONLY thing I want to do is to go
to sleep.  I have no energy or desire to make love at night.  The first time
we made love in the afternoon during the baby's nap was like a new
experience.  I was actually awake for it."

"Do something physical and fun, like tennis or bowling or dancing."

"We got into a routine of always taking turns taking care of the baby.  But
we never saw each other.  So now every other Sunday we all go to the zoo or
the park.  It feels very old-fashioned and wonderful.

It's like we are creating ourselves as a family.  "

"Take time for yourself and get your husband to take time for himself, too.
Go to the gym, get a haircut, go to a movie, visit a friend.  You deserve it."

"My mother's advice to me about marriage has always been

"Take your time.  Don't expect things to happen overnight."  That's probably
because when- ever things get strained between me and my husband I want to
fix it fast.  When I accept the idea 118 .  rs^ .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE that
relationships change slowly, I feel much calmer and more confident about my
marriage.  "

These pieces of advice speak to the typical stresses experienced by most
couples after the birth of their first child.  There are marriages, however,
that become more seriously distressed, particularly those that were shaky be-
fore parenthood.  When the gulf in communication or the level of fighting
between you and your spouse feels as if it is jeopardizing the viability of
the marriage, do not assume that things will get better on their own.  Even
though it may feel like a frightening step to take, the time is right to seek
the help of a professional.  A marriage counselor can assess the degree of
seriousness in your marital discord and guide you through this time.

Marriage therapy can help you to untangle confusing emotions and learn skills
for more productive and loving communication.

One Man's Story To help you to better understand your husband, to add the
male point of view to the mother's circle for a moment we interviewed many of
the husbands of our group members.  Of course, everyone is unique in his
perspective and circumstances, but we think Rick speaks for a great many men.
We hope his story may inspire you and your husband to have the important
conversations that may be needed in your relationship.

"I used to feel so in tune with Nan," Rick begins.

"Now I don't know what she is thinking about or even why she is so upset all
the time.

Every night before I walk through Changes in Your Marriage '--c^ 119 the
door I say a small prayer to myself.

"Please, make her normal again."

"Nan says I do things wrong with the baby all the time.  Even when it's
somethingas simple as putting on Emma's pajamas.  If the baby lets out the
slightest cry.  Nan will storm in and take over.  I'm left with my tail
between my legs.

"I'm trying to be a good father and a good husband, but according to Nan, I'm
always thinking of myself in- stead of the baby.  When she says,

"You don't care enough' or

"You don't have enough patience' these are code things which mean

"Back off.  I'm in charge."  It makes it hard to even discuss.  It's tough
for me.  Very tough.

"The pressure is really on now.  The money is there but with little to spare.
I don't think Nan respects what it means for me to be the one breadwinner of
the family.

"Family life intrudes into my work life in a way I never anticipated.

Throughout my workday I have many more telephone conversations with Nan than
I ever used to.  She must think I'm not really working' that hard, that I'm
have- inga social time with my coworkers and that there are no stresses.  She
wants me home by five-thirty.  No discussion.  But that's almost impossible
for me.  If anything, I have to work harder than ever now that we have a baby.

"Now that we have a baby it seems like we're running, running, running from
morning to night," Rick continues.  "Life has changed in so many ways.  There
is less time for work, play, pleasure, relaxation.

"When I come home from work.  Nan greets me with a list of demands.  It might
have been a brutal day but that doesn't seem to matter.  It's my turn to take
the baby, get the toilet paper, make dinner, change the diaper.

"According to Nan, my free time is my time at work.

120 '^-J .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

In her mind, when I'm home I'm hers.  I'd like to see some of my friends
occasionally.  I'd like her to see her friends for that matter.  But I know
I'd have to really fight for it.  If I had two hours in the evening once a
w^ek to myself, that would go a long way.

And I know she needs that as well.  She never takes time for herself.

She should take more care of herself instead of taking her frustrations out
on me.

"\ know we need time alone together but she says she doesn't trust anyone to
baby-sit right now.  Granted there are certain things she can do better than
anyone.  Like calm down the baby when she's crying.

But Emma is almost three months old.  When I push Nan on this one, she gets
very upset.  So what do we do--never go out again?

"To me Nan is as desirable as ever.  I'm very attracted to her.  And I tell
her that.  But she's self-conscious about her body now.  There was a time
when she'd walk across our bedroom naked.  But that's a thing of the past,
and I miss it.

"Our sex life has changed dramatically.  That's been very tough.  We've had
less and less sex.  I want it more than she does.  But I don't want to have
to ask for it all the time.  And I can't bear it when I get the sense that
she is only making love because she feels bad for me.

I understand that she still feels a little sore, that she's have- ing
hormonal and emotional changes, but I don't accept the lack of understanding
of my desires.  I wish she would give me a chance to feel closer.  Even the
basic pampering is gone.  She is less responsive, less affectionate.  An
occasional

"I love you' would be nice.  In some ways I resent the baby for taking her
away from me.

"I don't really have anyone else to talk to about all this stuff.  I have a
few friends who are fathers and we joke Changes in Your Marriage < c^> 121
about the afternoon phone calls to the office that start, " When are you
coming home tonight?  " And we joke about the lack of sex.  But we don't talk
about what is really going on.

"I can't even talk to Nan about my feelings about sex without her becoming
defensive.  I have desires that need to be met and they are simply not
addressed.  I'm in this marriage for the long term and, despite the changes,
I still love Nan, so I'm not overly worried.  But if things were to continue
like this for a long time, I wouldn't be so sure.  Things will have to change.

"We planned an overnight getaway.  Or rather, I planned it.  She resisted
every step of the way.  When her sister said she'd take care of the baby Nan
finally agreed.  But I knew she was only trying to please me.  The trip
turned into a nightmare.  All she wanted to do was go home.  So we cut it
short.

"On the drive home we sat in stony silence.  When we got home Nan had her
tearful reunion with Emma and realized the baby was fine.  When Emma was
napping later we finally had our first serious talk about what was really
going on between us.  It was a long emotional talk.

We both cried.  I told her I didn't want to take the trip just for me.

I wanted to take it fo^us.  I wanted to have fun together again.  And I was
able to tell her how frustrated I feel about never having sex anymore.  It
was the first time she listened without responding negatively.  And she told
me some things I hadn't realized.  She said that a lot of her worries about
leaving the baby have to do with her mother's death.  Even though it has been
four years, she has been very sad and confused about that.  Being away
actually made that very clear to her and she felt she could 122 <-^- A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

work on that.  I hope our talk was a turning point for us.  In any case it
helped just to understand each other better.  "

For Nan and Rick there was a long period of poor communication and brewing
resentment before an honest exchange was possible.  It is common for new
parents to be so stunned by the arrival of their child, so hurt or surprised
by each other's reactions, and so unsure of what to expect or about how to
proceed that much is left unsaid.

Enormous stresses can build and for some, only big, emotionally loaded fights
can let out these pent-up feelings.  Even arguments can be helpful if you and
your husband are good at making up and untangling the real issues from the
more obvious surface problems.

More helpful than the occasional dam-bursting fight, however, are the small
discussions, the little concessions, the minor adjustments and tinkerings
that you can accomplish on a daily basis.

Becoming a parent is a landmark event in life.  It opens a whole new chapter
of adulthood and new dimensions in your relationship with your husband.  The
joys and the responsibilities of raising children together will carve your
personalities and reshape your marriage forever.

At its best, marriage can provide deep intimacy, mutual support and
appreciation, and a cherished soul mate.  Keeping this kind of closeness
alive once you have a child requires attention and care.  If you begin with
the idea that turmoil is common and that most new parents are doing marital
battle in one form or another during the first year of parenthood, you might
feel less overwhelmed or defeated and can help yourself and each other.  It
is important to understand the complexities of the changes Changes in Your
Marriage < c^> 123 in your marriage and not to underestimate the profound
personal changes that by necessity take place as you turn from a couple into
a family.

By the time your baby first stands up on his own, you and your husband should
be feeling more surefooted yourselves.  It can, and often does, take upwards
of twelve months to assume your new roles, to settle into family life, and
finally to have the energy, perspective, and enthusiasm to return to each
other.  From there, maintain inga happy and loving relationship with your
husband as parents and partners is a lifelong process.

Changes in Your Body The Journey to Motherhood "Being fat and pregnant is
okay," says Jessica.

"But just being fat isn't."

Most of the women nod in agreement as they cautiously eye one another.

"I love be inga mother but I never wanted to look like one," says Elizabeth,
adding,

"I want my old body back."

"My husband says I look good.  But the truth is, I hate the way my body looks
right now," says Nan.

Women have a distinctly subjective relationship with their bodies.  No matter
what their weight, they feel fat or they feel thin.  No matter what their
look, they feel pretty or plain, graceful or awkward, sexy or not.  To a
great extent, a woman's self-image mirrors her body image.

Having given birth, the new mother does get her body back.  But it has
changed.  She may stare in disbelief at her hips, stomach, or breasts, having
thought they would have returned to their original, pre pregnancy
proportions.  124 Changes in Your Body '-^c'-a 125 She may feel
uncomfortably big and describe herself as "fat."  Her reactions are based in
part on what she sees in the mirror, but they also reflect vestigial feelings
about her body which date back to childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood.

Most young women do not feel satisfied with their looks and their figures.
This is understandable given the enormous pressure American society puts on
females to be thin and attractive, be it from the toy industry, the media, or
the fashion world.  Few women feel truly proud and at home in their own
bodies.  Few are free from self- criticism: breasts are too small or too
large, legs are too short or too skinny, skin is too freckled, hair is too
curly, thighs are too big, feet are ugly.  From head to toe, the checklist
continues, a personal evaluation based on story- book standards.

By their twenties and thirties men are generally more accepting of their
bodies.  But many women of this age live with an ongoing sense of falling
short, and with some degree of secret shame and inadequacy based on their
perception of their physical traits.  So it is with an ear for this secret
shame that we begin our discussion of the profound physical changes the new
mothers have been through and how their bodies worked along the way.  The
journey includes attempts at conception, the nine growing months of
pregnancy, the high drama of labor and childbirth, the tender, healing
postpartum weeks, and the on- going changes in a woman's body during the
first year of new motherhood.

Conceivinga baby is a leap of faith under any circum- stances.  When a baby
is not planned, lovemaking can ride a wave of passion and conception arrives
on the shore 126 <^-3 A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

out of breath, a surprise.  When conception is a desired goal, intercourse
becomes an act with a purpose.  All of a sudden a woman's relationship with
her body changes.  She questions her body, does not know what to expect or
when.  Lovemaking becomes baby-making, mysterious and sober, full of
anticipation and hope.  It can sometimes be more stressful, sometimes more
comical.  A woman may monitor her temperature to gauge the fertile moment.
She may meet her partner at odd hours of the day to try their luck.  Some
women speak of lying very still after intercourse to allow the sperm to swim
freely.

Others hold their feet up in the air, hoping gravity will help.

Always there is the question: Will my body work?

"I'm thirty-five years old," Leslie begins.

"I didn't have much time to fool around.  My doctor said it could take up to
a year to conceive.  But I got pregnant right away.  I was pleased and
relieved and kind of proud.  Vince felt so manly.  I felt connected with my
body in a way I never had before."

With age, health, fertility, and luck on your side, it can take anywhere from
one to twelve months to conceive a first baby and sometimes longer.  The
chances of becoming pregnant lessen with age.

And, once pregnant, the likelihood of miscarriage is between seventeen and
twenty-five percent, again depending on age, something few people know or
talk about.  No matter what a woman's personal variables, trying to conceive
a baby and carry it to term can have an unexpectedly strong, positive or
negative impact on her self-image and self-esteem.

"I was so sure of myself," says Jessica, who at twenty- five is the youngest
member of the group.

"Greg and I decided we'd start trying ten months before our summer vacation
so that the baby would come when we had time Changes in Your Body < c^> 127
off.  What a joke.  We tried for almost a year.  It became so stressful.

We both felt guilty and angry.  I felt like I was the failure but secretly
hoped it was Greg.  Neither one of us wanted to tell anyone.

"When we finally went to a specialist, it turned out it was me.  I went on a
fertility drug and three months later I got pregnant.  By that time, though,
I was so unsure of my body I was afraid something else would go wrong."

Marta, whose marriage ended largely because of the enormous stresses of
infertility, sympathizes with Jessica.

"My husband and I started trying to get pregnant when I was thirty-two.  We
tried for almost three years.  I would not believe that I couldn't get
pregnant.  Then, once I ac- accepted the fact that there were problems, I
wanted to try anything and everything.  I pretended to be optimistic but I
felt so disappointed and angry at my body.  I was on the verge of tears all
the time.  And in the end, not only did my body fail, but my marriage failed
too.

"It has taken a long time to feel better about myself," Marta continues.

"I mean, when you are young, no one says that there is a chance you might not
be able to have babies when you grow up.  I always assumed I would be a
mother one day.  But I never expected to be a single, adoptive mother.  I'm
still disappointed in my body, but now that I have Sarah it doesn't matter so
much anymore."

^^ GIRLHOOD

Like Marta, most females assume that becoming a mother is their right.  In
fact, at some point all little girls playact or fantasize about having
babies.  Preschool-age children 128 <^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

create and project their own future roles with an absolute and wondrous
confidence.  When they are as young as three years old, girls begin to think
about and personalize pregnancy and motherhood.

"In my last month of pregnancy," Jessica tells us, "my four-year-old niece
said to me,

"When I grow up to be a mommy my baby will be a girl baby.  Then my baby and
your baby can be friends."  She had it all worked out!  "

A little girl with a pregnant mother, aunt, or family friend can show
astounding powers of mimicry.  She will stuff her shirt with a pillow, arch
and support her aching back, rest her hands on top of her belly, and shuffle
along through an imaginary grown-up world talking about how she can feel her
baby kick.  A little girl who has watched a woman nurse may gently hold a toy
animal or doll to her own chest and explain that her baby is hungry.

This playacting exemplifies the early years, when a child usually feels
tremendous confidence and exhuber- ance in her body and what it can do.  She
has infinite joy in the physicality of everyday life.  A girl's vivid
identification with her own mother naturally leads her to believe that she
can and will one day be pregnant and have a baby too.

^^ ADOLESCENCE

With the onset of menstruation, a girl is made more aware of her body.
Hormonal and physical changes during puberty and an emerging sense of
sexuality can make her feel awkward, confused, and self-conscious.  Even the
most self-assured young girl will have ambivalent feelings about her body
during adolescence When asked about Changes in Your Body ^ <^> 129 their
teenage years, many women say they were consumed with dieting.

Almost all remember being preoccupied with their figures, skin, and hair.
Some say they were ashamed of their bodies' new curves, new cycles, and new
smells.

How a teenage girl feels about her body is also influenced by the messages
she receives from her family during this time of budding sexuality.  If a
girl's father or mother is uncomfortable with their daughter's new shape or
if a sibling taunts and mocks her, she will probably think there is something
bad about her body.  If a girl's father, brother, or other male is
inappropriately attentive she may feel at once flattered, confused,
threatened, and humiliated.  And if a girl is the victim of sexual abuse, it
can take decades to regain any sense of pride about and acceptance of her own
body.

Parents who respect their daughter's maturation help her both to accept the
changes in her body and to be proud of herself.  A parent who is sensitive to
a young girl's feelings about getting her first menstrual period, for
example, will help her to understand that she is going through important
physical and emotional changes, that she is growing up.  Recognition, even
celebration, of this female rite of passage affirms its significance for a
young girl.

"I vividly remember the day I first got my period," says Ronnie.

"My parents congratulated me!  I remember be inga little embarrassed at all
their attention, but it made me feel special too.  I remember my parents
whispering to one another and then telling me that I had become a young lady
and they wanted to give me a special present.

They handed me a long, thin box.  It was a beautiful silver neck150 <^-^ -A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

lace.  My father told me that it had been his mother's.  It made me feel so
grown up.  "

^^ PREGNANCY

During pregnancy some women feel more beautiful and womanly than ever.  Some
feel they are in an altered state.  Not since puberty has your body undergone
such dramatic change and growth.  Not since adolescence have you had to
redefine yourself specifically by the changes in your body.

"When I look back on this past year, I can't believe what my body has been
through," says Jane.

Then Jane covers Justin's ears and, lowering her voice to a whisper, says "It
was like being inhabited by an alien.  My body exploded.  I gained sixty
pounds.  I was nauseated all the time.  I felt totally out of control."

"My feet and ankles swelled so much that I couldn't fit into my shoes," says
Elizabeth.

"I was very uncomfortable.  But even so, I miss being pregnant.  It was
amazing to have a life growing inside of me."

From the comical to the sublime, the pregnant state is both exaggerated and
miraculous.  Some women carry completely in their belly but for many, the
whole land- scape of the body changes as it swells and grows.  In addition,
pregnancy can cause nausea, indigestion, fatigue, the constant need to
urinate, backaches, varicose veins, hemorrhoids and stretch marks.  A
pregnant woman may experience shortness of breath as her diaphragm becomes
crowded.

She may feel strong contractions or kicks from her growing baby.

Then, there are those women who experience very few of these physical effects
and seem to sail through their pregnancies.  They feel strong and
enerChanges in Your Body <--c^ 131 gized.  Or spiritual and womanly.
They "glow" and have an overall sense of physical well-being.

The importance of eating well during pregnancy can offer a welcome break to
women whose lives were dominated by dieting.  For those with a history of
weight problems or eating disorders, the need to eat more and more frequently
can sometimes trigger anxiety.  Some women won't allow themselves to eat the
way they should or, alternatively, the prospect of unavoidable weight gain
can result in hinge behavior.

Leslie, who had spoken privately with us two weeks earlier about her eating
disorder, now tells the group that she was anorexic as a teenager.

"Body image and self-image are definitely all mixed up for me," Leslie says.

"I've had to really struggle to feel good about my body.  I was in therapy
when I was younger and I over- came a lot of my eating problems.  Getting
pregnant was actually a great thing for me.

And it happened so easily.  I was very happy my body worked that way.

I felt terrific during the first trimester.

"But when I started to really put on weight, I couldn't handle it.  I got on
the scale several times a day and I got so anxious I practically stopped
eating.  My OH sat me down and spoke very seriously with me at that point.
She gave me a very specific diet to follow and told me that she would keep
the record of my weight gain.  I was not to look at the scale again for the
rest of my pregnancy.  I trusted her and her plan worked.  I got back on
track.  But I still struggle with certain issues."

The other women listen with empathy and interest.  Leslie seems relieved to
tell her story.  Marta comments that getting rid of the bathroom scale would
probably be a positive move for most women.  And Nan says that 132 ^-^ .  A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

although she never had a full-blown eating disorder, she has struggled with
her weight and bad feelings about herself.  In almost every mothers' group we
have encountered at least one woman who has problems with eating and body
image.  Although Leslie had already conquered the behavioral aspects of her
anorexia, pregnancy, motherhood, and the changes in her body have called up
old demons.

Leslie's disclosures about herself reveal a new level of trust in the group.
This also helps others to share some of the more difficult aspects of their
own histories.

"Before Elyse, I had two miscarriages," says Ronnie.  "That took a big toll
on me, physically and emotionally.  I was never sure if I could carry to
term.  This time when I got past the three-month mark and then the fourth and
fifth months, it was an incredible joy.  My body was finally working the way
I hoped it would.  It made this pregnancy seem so special, almost God-given.
It also made me realize how out of my hands the whole thing is."

"I had an abortion when I was in my twenties," says Alicia.

"All these years I've felt a little sad and guilty about it.  And afraid,
too, because I thought maybe it had damaged my body.  Now I'm almost forty,
but everything did what it was supposed to do.  I was so relieved."

For women who have had miscarriages, abortions, or trouble conceiving, a
successful pregnancy can be a longed-for end to disappointment and stress.
As a prelude to the responsibilities of new motherhood, the nine months of
pregnancy give all women time to come to terms with the changes in their
bodies as well as the changes in their lives.  The physical sensations of the
quickening life inside help women to prepare for the up- coming work of
childbirth.

Changes in Your Body < c^> 155 ^^ labor AND CHILDBIRTH Each individual woman
knows her physical abilities and limits better than anyone else: how fast and
long she can run, how much weight she can lift, how much sleep she needs, how
she reacts to cold and heat, how she handles pain, hunger, thirst.  Never
before, however, has a woman been put to the test as she is by giving birth.
Labor and childbirth are perhaps the most arduous physical tasks of a
lifetime.

Each woman's body, her pain threshold, the size and position of her baby, her
physical and emotional preparation, and the medical and personal support she
has, contribute to her experience.

Whether it is experienced as pain or as power, the physicality of bear inga
child is undeniable.  A woman feels and uses parts of her body she has never
used before as her body performs this primary, physical function for the very
first time.  E)uring labor a woman is a partner with her own body, following
its course.  She can neither hurry it along nor slow it down but works with
it as it does its job.

The crescendo of contractions may last for six hours or twenty-six as it
leads to the final hours of childbirth.  Then comes the primal experience of
forceful pushing, of sweating, of pain, of stretching and opening, of
breathing and focus, possibly of vomiting and defecating, possibly of tearing
or cutting, of bleeding, and finally of the triumph of delivery.  Childbirth
can be an exhilarating, sometimes frightening, always-powerful physical
experience.  Like war stories, birth stories must be told again and again.

"It was the most pain I've ever felt," Alicia begins.

"I'm still having dreams about it.  The breathing helped in the beginning,
but I was doing those short pants you're sup- posed to save for the end when
I got to three centimeters.

154 ^ - .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

I had talked with my doctor about getting an epidural and I was already on
the list for the anesthesiologist, but I had to wait my turn.  That was the
hardest part.  I was moaning and thrashing about I don't know how anyone can
do it without drugs.  The epidural was a godsend.  It took away the
unbearable pain, but I was still able to feel myself pushing.  I was glad
about that.  "

"I was afraid of childbirth," says Nan.

"I've never been a very physical person.  I don't exercise or jog or anything
like that.  But my doctor was great with me and I was stronger than I
thought.  I really surprised myself."

Changes in the practice of midwifery and obstetrics have been extensive in
the past twenty years across the country.  Expectant mothers participate far
more in the birth process and natural childbirth is on the increase.  Lamaze
and Bradley classes have become part of the culture.  Men learn to coach and
support their partners and to help them cope with the pain of labor.  Some
women choose to deliver their babies at home.  Many hospitals now offer
alternative birthing centers for couples who wish to deliver their babies in
a more homelike atmosphere without a lot of medical monitoring, but with
doctors on hand in case they are needed.  And most women, guided by their
obstetricians or midwives, make their own decisions about the amount of drugs
or painkillers they will use.  However, if the birth they prepared for does
not happen, many women blame themselves.

"I thought everything would go a certain way," Maggie says.

"I had practiced my breathing.  Done my Kegels every day.  Hadn't gained too
much weight.  Didn't want any drugs.  I was prepared.  But after thirty hours
of labor I wasn't progressing.  I had to have an epidural and was given
Pitosin to bring on labor more strongly.  Then the Changes in Your Body
t_^c^> 155 baby's heart rate went down and it was like a house on fire.
Bells went off.  A dozen doctors in the room.  It was as if I was no longer
there.  They cranked up my epidural and raced me down the hall to the
operating room.  I went from being completely involved to being numb from the
neck down.  My husband went from coaching to watching from the door window as
they did an emergency C-section.  I felt like I was watch inga horror film.
It was all so out there, not about me.  Thank God, the baby was fine.  It
turned out he had a true knot in his cord.

Even though everything turned out well, it took a long time for me to accept
what happened.  "

Some twenty-five percent of births are cesarean sections.  When the C-section
is a medical emergency, it can be a tremendously stressful trial of both
faith and mettle.  Many women experience this as a kind of failure.  They
must recuperate not only from major surgery, but also from the upset of the
often-traumatic experience of a surgical birth.  It can be upsetting to have
a firstborn ushered into the world while feeling frighten end and helpless.
Es- especially when many women have experiences which they describe as
empowering.  Today more and more women share the experience of cesarean birth
and gradually the onus of its be inga failure is being shed.  Additionally
many women have planned C-sections which go smoothly, and these new mothers
describe their experiences as positive.  Some speak of a fast and easy
recovery.  Some speak of the pride they feel that, despite the obstacles,
they were able to have a baby.

Most of the women in our groups agree that no matter what the details or
circumstances, giving birth was the most dramatic event of their lives to
date.  There can be a thrilling sense of having performed a superhuman, yet
156 ^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

quintessentially human, feat.  While the pain usually dims in a woman's
memory, the drama of childbirth will not.  Mind and body have gone through an
experience never to be forgotten.

^-> POSTPARTUM

"For weeks after Lucy was born I felt like I had a pineapple between my
legs," says Elizabeth.

"I couldn't believe how long it took to feel better."

During the postpartum period a new mother's body is still going through
change.  She must cope with fluctuating hormones, a sore and swollen vagina
and perineum, possible hemorrhoids, and some cramping and bleeding as her
uterus contracts.  Her body, now emptied of its baby, has yet another new
shape and purpose.

Typically, three days after childbirth a new mother's milk will come in.
When it does, her breasts may become rock hard as they fill and swell.  If
she made the decision to breast-feed, she is now, more than likely, consumed
with mastering this new function of her body.  It can take weeks before this
process is going smoothly, before both mother and child feel capable and
comfortable.

A woman's feelings about her breasts are psychologically loaded, weighted
with feelings about her maturity, attractiveness, sexual identity, and
sensuality.  If she chooses to nurse her baby, her breasts also become linked
to her feelings about herself as a mother, as a nurturer and soother.  Breast
feed inga baby is an intensely physical, intimate, and often sensual act.
This too can change how a woman feels about her breasts in the sexual arena.

"The only reason I was unsure about breast feeding Changes in Your Body ^-3
157 was because I knew my breasts would get bigger," says Ronnie.

"And I felt they were too big already.  But I love to nurse Elyse.  And now I
know what my breasts are there for.  It's pretty amazing to produce milk."

"I'm not used to having big breasts," says Leslie.

"My husband likes my new body, but I find it almost embarrassing."

Jane laughs.

"For me it's a bonus.  I had aways wanted big breasts.

Now I feel so womanly.  "

The postpartum term does not have a specific end date and yet the onset of
menstruation after birth marks a re- turn to a physical state of a more
familiar and stable nature.  There is a wide range to this timetable.  For
women who do not nurse, the menstrual cycle can begin anytime from six weeks
to one year after birth.  Women who breast-feed can get their period again
anytime from three months to a year after the baby is born.  Obstetricians
and midwives remind new mothers that even if their periods have not started
again, they may be fertile.  Ovulation occurs before the first period
returns.  Birth control is required to prevent conception in postpartum women.

Many women report that their first periods are unusually heavy.  In most
cases this is a temporary change.  Many women also report that they
experience less frequent and less painful menstrual cramping.

This is often a more lasting change.

^^ GETTING BACK INTO YOUR CLOTHES

"It's been three months and I still can't get into any of my clothes.

Thank goodness, the baby gets all the attention be- cause I don't want people
looking at me," says Ronnie.

158 <^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

"I was at the market the other evening without the baby," says Nan.

"The woman next to me on line asked me when I was due.  That did it.

I'm really trying to lose weight now.  "

"I have been trying to be easy on myself and accept my body," says Jane.

"I know I will eventually lose the weight.  But the other night I found my
husband looking at a Victoria's Secret catalogue and I suddenly felt so fat."

Although it is entirely normal, most women do not expect to have to wear
larger sizes and even their maternity clothes three months into motherhood.
Most women also do not expect hair loss, circles under the eyes, stretch
marks, and extra padding.  And a woman who had a Csection must now become
acquainted with a scar on her belly.

Altogether, a postpartum mother may feel as though she doesn't recognize
herself.  But this extra weight and padding are not meant to come off right
away.  It serves a purpose, providing the energy stores for nursing and a
soft lap for a baby.  When weight gain is slow and steady to come on, it is
slow and steady to come off.  We encourage new mothers to give themselves a
full year to get back into shape.

Trying to work exercise into a new life as a mother can take months to figure
out, especially since sleep is now hard to come by, and the energy may be
lacking.  In the early months, taking your baby for a daily stroll outside is
good for both of you.  Once your baby is sleeping longer at night, it can be
a good time for a gradual return to more formal exercise.  Exercise of any
sort will give you increased energy, restored muscle tone, and a renewed
sense of confidence in your body and yourself.

Changes in Your Body ^s 159 ^a pOSTPARTUM DEPRESSION "I've never cried so
much in my life," says Jessica.

"I thought this was supposed to be a happy time."

At the mercy of changing hormone levels and fatigue, most new mothers cry a
lot.  After giving birth, the body undergoes a normal and rapid drop of
estrogen.  This can cause hot flashes, depressive symptoms, and difficulty
with concentration.  During the first weeks and early months of your baby's
life, and of your life as a mother, your emotions will be strongly felt,
sometimes soaring, sometimes raw and bitter.  Most new mothers encounter a
sense of sadness as they adjust to their new roles.  Seven to ten percent of
new mothers experience postpartum depression.

Crying is normal for all new mothers.  Periods of depression are also common.
But it may be hard for a new mother to label herself as depressed because
she is experiencing such a range of emotional responses to her new role.  And
because she is affected by isolation, stress, and lack of sleep, many of her
feelings are to be expected.

They may include panic about the responsibilities of parenthood and about the
health of her new baby, doubts about her maternal feelings toward her
newborn, and a form of grief at the loss of her former life.

But when bouts of inexplicable weepiness turn into continual feelings of
melancholy, when sadness or anxiety begins to interfere with your ability to
care for your baby and yourself, then it is probably time to seek the help of
a medical or mental health professional.  Talk to your obstetrician or
internist about your depression.  Or, if there is a program or clinic for new
mothers at your local hospital- tally, ask there for advice.  Counseling,
support groups, and 140 ^"-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

antidepressant medications are avenues to explore which can be of help.

Havinga baby is seen by the world as a gain rather than a loss.  So the new
mother who feels any sense of loss will commonly keep it to herself, another
secret shame.  In truth, though, she has experienced some rather fundamental
losses a loss of her former life, of the stability she once had, of the body
and identity she always had.  Some degree of depression can be seen as a
healthy and natural reaction to these radical changes.

As new mothers responsible for introducing the idea of a healthy body image
in your children, you need to recognize and defend yourselves against the
pervasive societal pressure to be thin.  You need to strive actively to over-
come self-critical feelings and to be gentle with yourself.  You are now a
model for your children.  How you feel about and express yourself regarding
your body will strongly influence your children's body sense.  Feeling good
about yourself will help to instill a positive body image and a strong sense
of pride and self-acceptance in your children.

Mothering is intensely physical.  As a mother-to-be, your body is creator,
incubator, provider, and protector.  As a mother, your body makes milk,
provides warmth, and security.  You feed your baby, rock and carry her, and
cradle her in your arms.  She knows your smell.  She roots for milk.  She
falls asleep next to you.  More than anyone else ever can, she needs your
body.  She loves and appreciates your body.

So should you.

SIX

Rock-A-Bye Baby The Importance of Sleep "I thought sleep would come to my
baby," says Maggie.  "I thought that one night I would put Jack in his crib
and he would sleep all night long."

Like many first-time mothers, Maggie had no idea that getting her baby to
sleep on his own would take some doing.  She was prepared to be up at night
to feed and pace with her newborn for the first two months or so but expected
that Jack would eventually learn to sleep by himself, as naturally as he
would one day learn to sit up.

And, in fact, it seemed that Jack was on that route.  At thirteen weeks, he
had settled into a pattern of going to sleep at 10:30 P.  M.  and waking up
only once in the night.  At fourteen weeks he had slept through the night
from 10:30 p.  m.  until 6:30 a.  m.  Maggie and Tom were pleased and
relieved to finally get back into a rhythm of uninterrupted sleep themselves.
But then, when he was fifteen weeks old.

Jack began to protest at bedtime and to wake up again at night.  He woke up
three, then four and then five times.  He required extra long periods of
rocking, 141 142 ^J A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

nursing, and soothing to get back to sleep.  After three nights of this,
Maggie and Tom began to worry that there was something wrong with Jack, that
he was sick or in some sort of discomfort.  Maggie spoke with the
pediatrician on the telephone.  The doctor told her he was not alarmed but
agreed to schedule an appointment for the following day.  As the pediatrician
had suspected, there was nothing medically wrong with Jack.  He told Maggie
that this change was not atypical and that Jack, at fifteen and a half weeks
and fourteen pounds, was capable of sleeping through the night as he had
already demonstrated the week before.  He suggested that Maggie and Tom would
have to tolerate Jack's crying in order for him to learn to fall to sleep on
his own.  Maggie was anxious to discuss Jack's sleep further in the next
mother-infant group, which was two days off.

In the meantime, Maggie pored through the literature on babies and sleep.
She found that one expert advocated letting the baby cry it out; another
believed in responding to the baby's every cry; one suggested a warm bath
before bed; one believed in the family bed.

Maggie found one approach almost too clinical, and another too general to
help.  Maggie started to give Jack formula at night, an option the
pediatrician had suggested.  Jack took easily to the formula but it had no
effect on his night wakings, which continued to shatter the family's sleep.

You may have noticed a change in your baby's sleep habits, as Maggie did.
His night wakings may have de- creased and then suddenly increased for no
apparent reason and settling your baby down to sleep may have started to take
longer and longer.  Even if you have rocked him to sleep in your arms, the
moment you put him in Rock-A-Bye Baby t-^ 145 the crib his eyes open, his
head pops up, and the roaring protest begins.

"Please, please, please, please go to sleep," you catch yourself begging.

Unwilling to tolerate his cries, you try again to rock him to sleep.  After
twenty minutes, his body relaxes in your arms and you carefully lower him
into his crib, holding your breath all the while.  It works.  Bliss.  But
these nights you can only count on a couple of hours of sleep, if you can
fall asleep at all.

As your baby's nocturnal demands increase and your hours of sleep decrease,
life becomes fuzzy around the edges.  Everyone you speak to may have a
different opinion.  You may begin to think that this is your lot in life.
As the days go by you are less productive, less able to cope.  Then, burning
frustration and even anger can set in.

Sleep deprived, you struggle with the simplest of tasks, bristle when your
spouse says that things have got to change, and snap like a twig when your
mother suggests letting the baby cry it out.

This is when we meet many of the parents we counsel outside of our groups.
Exhausted, befuddled, disheartened, they feel they have done something to
bring this upon themselves.  Often couples are embroiled in conflict with one
another about how to proceed.  Lack of sleep has brought out the worst in
them, they confess, and it has begun to make them resent each other and their
own child.  What, they ask, can they do?  There are many schools of thought
about babies and sleep.  As Maggie discovered, the literature can feel like
a maze of options.

How and when to respond to a baby who cries in the night has become an area
of some controversy even among the experts.

144 ^-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

It is clear to us that there can be no single plan to get a baby to sleep at
night that works for all families.  All babies are not the same in their
sleep habits and even the same baby will be different in his sleep habits at
different ages.  Parents have different goals and tolerances for their
babies' sleep habits.  And each man and woman brings his and her own unique
emotional history to the job of helping their baby learn to sleep.  Our
thinking regarding babies and sleep has been most influenced by the work of
Dr. Richard Ferber, pediatrician, director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep
Disorders at Children's Hospital in Boston, and author of Solve Your Child's
Sleep Problems.  (Simon & Schuster, New York, 1985).  Our approach has been
shaped by nearly a decade of clinical experience with new mothers in group
settings, by individual work with couples who come to us specifically for
sleep counseling for their babies, and by our personal and individual
experiences with our own children.  Each of these has helped us to understand
how critically important it is to the whole family for a baby to sleep well,
how necessary it is for a baby to consistently get enough hours of sleep, and
how difficult it can be for parents to help their babies do so.  If you are
having trouble with your baby's sleep, you are in good company.  Most parents
struggle with this.  It is our goal to help you understand and minimize some
of the upheaval, confusion, and anxiety that can accompany the process of
helping your baby learn to sleep through the night.

It is a cold and overcast day in mid December.  Wind sweeps down the avenues
and the forecast speaks of an early snow.  As the women arrive, they greet
each other enthusiastically.  They cluster in small groups, exchanging
Rock-A-Bye Baby < ^> 145 stories and admiring each others' babies.  Alicia
asks Jane to watch Keith while she gets some coffee.  Elizabeth helps Ronnie
get Elyse out of her sling.  Leslie's baby, Eric, sat up this week, she
announces, and there is a round of applause.

The atmosphere in the room iseasy and collegial.  Some- times it has the
feeling of a club, a place for new-mothers- only.  The women are comfortable
and open with one an- other.  Everyone gets a chance to speak and to ask
questions.  Those who are brimming with concern usually go first.

"I'm obsessed with Elyse's sleep," says Ronnie.

"When should her bedtime be?  Should I still be nursing her to sleep?  Should
I let her nap in the swing?  My husband and I are beginning to argue about
all of this.  It's crazy."

The mothers agree that their babies' sleep is a consuming preoccupation.
Alicia is upset because she and her nanny are at odds over Keith's bedtime.
Leslie tells us that she and her husband are fighting about when or if to
respond to Eric's cries at night.  Both Maggie and Marta agree that the issue
of sleep is the most provocative part of parenting for them.

Sleep is the developmental topic that receives the most extensive focus in
our eight-part mother-infant group meetings.  Our group discussion on this
issue is never limited to one meeting.  Sleep is an ongoing topic of concern
and interest brought up by one or the other of the mothers each week.

c-^ ROCK-A-BYE BABY:

0-5 MONTHS

The sleep patterns of a newborn are unpredictable.  And during their first
weeks there is no typical behavior.  Some 146 '^-J A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

newborns will sleep the better part of their first two weeks, occasionally
waking to feed and blink at the world before going back to sleep.  Other
newboms arrive wide- eyed, rarely sleeping for longer than an hour at a time.
Almost all newborns will wake crying to be fed two or three times in the
night and sometimes more.  It is during these first weeks that parents learn
what it takes to get their baby to fall asleep.

Justin is seventeen weeks old.  He needs constant movement in order to fall
asleep.  Jane says she has rocked Justin's bassinette so much the rug beneath
it has become worn.

"It may be a bad habit," Jane admits, "but it's the only one that stops him
from crying and gets him to sleep."

Elizabeth's baby, Lucy, is now sixteen weeks old.

"Lucy usually falls asleep when she is nursing," says Elizabeth.  "When I was
interviewing day-care people, I thought what I really needed was a wet nurse."

Nan's baby, Emma, has a strong need to suck.  For her naps.  Nan puts half a
dozen pacifiers in Emma's bass!- netted so that she'll never be far from one.
Jessica takes Nell for nightly drives up pothole-ridden First Avenue and
finds that the combination of gray noise and bumpy motion helps.

A baby's first three months can be thought of as his fourth trimester, a time
of transition from the womb to the world.  After nine months inside of his
mother, a baby is accustomed to being gently rocked, continuously fed, warm,
dark, and always close to the sound of his mother's voice and heartbeat.
There everything was regulated for him, but now, out in a bright, new
environment, he is totally dependent on your help.  To get to sleep your baby
may need to be swaddled and held, jiggled and walked, Rock-A-Bye Baby ^ 147
fed and rocked.  You need not worry about setting up "bad habits" during
these first three months.  Some mothers swear by the automatic swing, others
by the Snugli, some stroll their babies to get them to nod off, some bounce
and dance and pat their babies to sleep.  You can feel proud of whatever
method you devise that works.

Your options for where your baby will sleep are also wide-open during these
early months.  He can sleep in a bassinette, a basket, a crib, or in bed with
you.  He can sleep in your bedroom, in the hallway nearby, or in a separate
bedroom.  In part, your decision depends on the nature of your own sleep
whether you are awakened by your baby's every toss or cough, whether you can
fall back to sleep easily having been awakened by his normal stirrings, or
whether you sleep best when your baby is right at hand.  Your baby's needs,
as well as your own, are part of this decision.

"Most nights Emma sleeps in bed with us," says Nan.  "It works well.

She sleeps wonderfully.  I don't have to get out of bed for the
middle-of-the-night nursing and Rick feels included.  I don't think this will
go on forever, but I do love having her right next to me at night.  "

For now, sharing a bed is the most natural arrangement for Nan's family.  As
long as it is working for everyone it is an intimate and effective way of
easing Emma into the world.  During the day Emma is capable of sleeping with-
out her mother's body next to her, napping in a bassinet in her parents'
bedroom.  Eventually, Nan wants Emma to sleep in her own room, as does Rick.
But Nan is not yet ready for that kind of separation from her baby.

"Sarah slept in my bed every night for almost two months after I got her,"
says Marta.

"I think it was important for both of us to be close like that.  I wanted her
to 148 '-^-^ .A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

physically know who I was and to know that I was there for her, that I would
be her mother.  But then she learned to flip over and I was too nervous about
her falling out of bed to fall asleep myself.  So I started putting her in
her crib at bedtime.  Sometimes I'll bring her back to my bed after her
bottle in the middle of the night.  "

No matter how you get your baby to sleep, or where he sleeps, there are ways
to set the stage for good sleep patterns during these first three months.  A
first step is to help your baby learn that night and daytime sleep are
different.  During the day your baby may snooze in a stroller, car seat,
Snugli or in his crib.  But at night, any- time after about nine o'clock,
it's a good idea to put your baby to sleep in the crib where he will be for
the night.  To further distinguish night sleep from day sleep, feedings in
the middle of the night should be done in semidarkness.  Although he is
irresistible, try not to engage your baby in a way which will make him come
even more awake.  This can be an intimate time for parent and child, but it
should not be a social one.

"When I hear Elyse cry' out in the middle of the night I get a thrill," says
Ronnie.

"I may be cross-eyed tired, but I'm excited at the same time.  It's sort of
the way I felt as a child on the night before my birthday.  I can't believe I
have a baby!  Then, as I'm rocking Elyse back to sleep, a deep fatigue hits
me and all I want in the world is a full night of sleep."

You will be especially tired during the first three months of motherhood.
Broken and insufficient sleep are hall- marks of this period.  Some mothers
become chronically overtired.  Some babies can, too.  If you have tried for a
long time to soothe your crying baby and feel unable to continue trying, you
can put him in his crib for five or Rock-A-Bye Baby t-^ 149 ten minutes.
Some babies will cry for a little while but then quickly fall asleep.  In
this case, crying may be his way to block out stimulation.  If your baby does
not stop crying within ten minutes, you should go to him.  While it will not
harm him, a baby will not benefit in any way from extensive crying at this
early age.

It takes tremendous energy and commitment to respond to a new baby's needs
and learn how best to soothe him.  It requires endurance to exist on limited
hours of sleep at night.  But this early phase does not go on forever.  Your
baby will soon be able to sleep for much longer stretches.  And so will you.

^^ THE TRANSITION PHASE:

3-4 MONTHS

Some time around the three-month mark babies start to sleep longer at night.
They also begin to be able to wait for longer periods between feedihgs.  They
cry less, are increasingly interested in you and the world around them, and
begin to interact and vocalize more.  These changes are evidence of dramatic
cognitive development in your baby.

As you see these changes you will know the time is right to begin to take
over the controls and to lay the foundations for a new sleep schedule for
your baby.

Babies thrive on regular routines and can learn to anticipate them.

A bedtime routine every evening is an easy way to start to teach your baby
about sleeping through the night.  Soon your baby will recognize this special
roll- tine as a signal that bedtime is at hand.  If a warm bath tends to calm
and quiet your baby, it can be a good idea to start his routine with an
evening bath.  Infant daytime 150 <^^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

clothes are not very different from their nighttime clothes, but changing
your baby into pajamas is something he will also learn to associate with
bedtime.

You can come up with any calming "good-night" roll- tine you like and it can
last from fifteen to forty-five min- minutes.  The idea is to help your baby
gradually unwind, relax, and prepare for the separation that is sleep.  Once
your baby is in his bed clothes, read him a bedtime story, sing him a
soothing song, or gently rock him to a lullaby tape.  Babies often need an
extra dose of physical contact before they are willing to let go for the
night.  For the first three months many mothers nurse or bottle-feed their
babies to sleep.  After three months, you can continue to include feeding as
part of the bedtime routine.  But starting now, you can begin to experiment
with your baby's capacity for doing the last bit of falling asleep on his own.

Ultimately, your goal will be to put your baby in his crib before he has
fallen asleep in your arms and to let him learn that he can do this by
himself.

When he was fifteen weeks old Jack exhibited the classic signs that his sleep
patterns were in transition: they improved for a short while, then
dramatically worsened.  Having struggled for over a week, Maggie is anxious
to talk.  We listen to her description of her week, then ask her to lay out
Jack's sleep schedule for us in detail.

"Jack wakes up at 6:00 a.m.  He takes two two-hour naps a day and goes to
sleep between ten-thirty and eleven at night.  He is alert and happy during
the day.  But the time between srx and nine at night I call the

"Hell Hours."  He becomes like a different baby.  I think he might have gas
or colic.  On the evenings that Tom is home, he can't believe Jack is so
fussy.  We have to pace with him forever, but he doesn't get sleepy like he
used to.  "

Rock-A-Bye Baby t-^ 151 Another change that happens at the
three-to-four-month mark is that babies become able to keep themselves awake.
They are increasingly interested in the world, they are intensely interested
in you and can actively fight sleep.  Maggie has been waiting for a sign that
Jack is tired, but the opportune time to put a baby to bed is before he acts
tired.  Once a baby shows you that he is tired, he is overtired.  He may have
gotten a second wind.  He may seem alert but be quick to tears.  As it gets
later and later he becomes exhausted and has even greater difficulty falling
asleep

There is a certain beauty to the timing of sleep problems at the
three-to-four-month stage.  Directly following the age when babies become
capable of sleeping longer and seem to be headed in that direction, they
often will do this kind of an about-face.  Their steadily improving sleep
patterns suddenly worsen.  And then a baby will dramatically digress, waking
more frequently and protesting more strongly at bedtime.  These can be seen
as signals that your baby needs your help in regulating his sleep and that he
is ready for it.

Even though Jack has been going to bed at ten-thirty or eleven o'clock at
night for three months, his cranky evening hours are a cue that he is now
ready for an earlier bedtime.  We recommend a 7:30 or 8:00 p.  m.  bedtime
for healthy babies between three and four months old.  The switch to this
earlier bedtime can be made either gradually or all at once.

"Are you listening, Nellie?"  Jessica asks her daughter.

"Some babies may be able to go to bed that early," Nan protests, "but not
Emma.  I know her."

Often the hardest person to convince of the feasibility of a 7:30 bedtime is
the parent.  We ask the mothers to think about it, to talk about it, to watch
their babies for 152 <^-^ .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

evening crankiness, worsening sleeping patterns, and other signs of change.

Alicia groans and says,

"I knew the nanny was right but I'll never see Keith if he goes to bed at
seven-thirty."

This is a real bind for Alicia and other working parents who get home late.
The 7:30 bedtime is optimal for the baby, but it is more important for
parents and their babies to have a chance to be together.  If your work
schedule cannot be changed, set your baby's bedtime later than 7:30 or 8:00
p.  m.  Continue, however, to treat these hours as winding-down time.

Maggie is still upset.

"Now you're saying seven-thirty is optimal but I can't get Jack to bed
period.  How can I expect him to start sleeping twelve hours a night when up
until now he's been sleeping only eight?"

This leads us to a deceptively simple and exceptionally golden rule: Sleep
begets sleep.  The longer your baby sleeps, the more he will sleep.  The more
regular and scheduled your baby's sleep becomes, the more sleep he will take.
You can count on this.  He will thrive on it.

c-^ SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT:

4-12 MONTHS

By the time they are four months old, babies need eleven to twelve hours of
uninterrupted sleep at night and two naps a day of at least one hour each.
They need this amount of sleep in order to develop optimally.  What surprises
most parents is the invariability of this developmental fact: at this age,
all babies do best with fourteen hours or more of sleep during the course of
a twenty- four-hour period.

Rock-A-Bye Baby <-^ 153 When your baby is cranky or miserable because of in-
sufficient sleep, it iseasy to see the importance of regulating his sleep.
But if your baby is not overtly overtired on fewer hours of sleep, you may
not be convinced that four- teen sleeping hours a day is necessary for him.
Many mothers, in fact, have said their babies seem fine on nine or ten hours
of sleep.  But once these babies started to get thirteen or fourteen hours a
day, their mothers reported positive changes as well.  Their babies became
happier, more social, more focused, more open to learning and play.

"You're telling me I'll be putting Elyse to bed at seven- thirty and she
won't nurse again until morning?  She'll starve!  She'll never be able to do
it," Ronnie insists, adding, as she holds her breasts, "I'll never be able to
do it either."

If your baby is four months old, was born at full term, is healthy, and
weighs at least twelve pounds, he is capable of sleeping through the night
for eleven to twelve hours without a feeding.  This does not depend on
whether he is breast-fed, formula-fed, or has begun to eat cereal.  At this
age babies are physically able to give up their nighttime feedings and will
naturally eat more during the day to meet their nutritional needs.  Because
it activates the digestive system, a feeding in the middle of the night can
actually be disruptive to sleep.  By not feeding your baby in the middle of
the night, his metabolism is allowed to slow down, which, in turn, promotes
sleep.

Babies, like adults, go through cycles of deep sleep, light sleep, and brief
wakings throughout the night.  Most adults hardly notice these shifts and
generally get through a night without disruption.

Babies, however, need to learn 154 ^-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

how to fall asleep and how to get back to sleep on their own after these
normal, intermittent night wakings.

By four months babies also have an increased capacity for memory and can
learn from repeated experiences.  While he did not come into the world
knowing how to settle himself to sleep, he is now capable of learning.  The
teaching is easier before a baby makes fixed associations to how he goes to
sleep and before he learns to sit, crawl, or pull himself to standing.

Imagine this: In two weeks time your four-and-a-half- month-old baby goes to
bed at seven-thirty with hardly a fuss and sleeps through the night until
six-thirty in the morning.  During the day he naps from nine until ten in the
morning and from two until three-thirty in the afternoon.  He is generally
alert and happy and rarely cranky.  You probably can't believe it, but this
is a realistic goal and one that parents have helped their babies to realize
again and again.

Now imagine this: Years of nighttimes dominated by your baby's bad sleep
habits.  The horror stories we've heard are plentiful.  Here are a sampling:
A two-and-a-half-year-old girl has been waking up two and three times a night
almost every night since she was four months old.  Her parents tried sleep
training but were unable to stick with it long enough to make it work, and
then resigned themselves to nights of broken sleep.

The child is chronically overtired and now, the mother, who is pregnant with
their second child, needs her sleep more than ever.

A three-year-old boy will not fall asleep without his mother rubbing his back
as she has always done.  This takes thirty Rock-A-Bye Baby t--^ 155 to
forty-five minutes at bedtime and often once in the middle of the night.
Sometimes at two or three in the morning the boy will climb into his parents'
bed, at which time they are too tired to resist and let him stay.
Embarrassed to ask a baby-sitter to go through any part of this ritual, the
parents have stopped going out at night.

A four-year-old is so overtired during the daytime that he is unable to
participate happily in group activities.  Yet he refuses to go to bed at
night.  When his parents try to make him, the boy gets so upset that he
throws up.  At his mercy, the parents let him watch videos until he falls
asleep on the couch, sometimes at 11:00 p.  m.  , sometimes later, and then
carry him to his bed.

The stories are endless.  And oftentimes the essential, and only, reason a
baby will not learn good sleep habits is because a parent cannot bear to hear
him cry.

^^ CRYING

In all likelihood your baby came into this world crying.  To you it meant
your baby was alive and well and you, too, may have wept, with pleasure and
relief, at the sound.  By now you've learned to recognize the subtle
differences in your baby's cries and the different messages they convey.

"Oh, that's a hungry cry," you say and look at your watch to see how long it
has been since his last feeding.

"That's a bored cry," you explain as he fusses in his car seat.  It can be a
guessing game.  Maybe he needs a new diaper or maybe he has gas.  Or, it can
be obvious.  A loud noise, a sudden light, a fast movement has fright156
<^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

ened your baby.  His mouth opens wide into a silent scream, he catches his
breath and then cries out.  If your baby had colic, you know the inconsolable
cry of a baby in pain.  Even if your baby does not have colic, you are
probably aware of a point in every day when he cries for no apparent reason.
It may be late afternoon or early evening mirroring the fatigue of the whole
family.

On the first night of helping your baby learn to sleep through the night you
will hear a new theme in his repertoire of crying songs: that of protest and
rage.  When you do not respond right away to your baby's cries he will become
angry and then even enraged.  It can be almost frightening to hear this new
kind of cry and this intense emotion from your little baby, to hear it grow
and grow, and to know that you have allowed it.  To be rational in the face
of a baby's outrage is very difficult.  To proceed with your plan can seem
impossible.

"Do we have to do the crying thing?  Isn't there any way around it?"

Jane asks.

Listening to your baby cry, if only for ten minutes at a stretch, can be
gut-wrenching.  It can weaken the resolve of anyone but the most determined
or the most desperate.  But, unfortunately, it is almost always necessary to
endure some crying in order to help your baby learn to soothe himself, fall
asleep on his own, and sleep through the night.  We hope to help you untangle
your emotions from your baby's needs during this critical time.  We hope to
help you to keep your goals and your baby's best interests in sight.

We've known babies who have learned to sleep through the night after a few
episodes of crying during one night.  We've also known babies who took well
over two weeks to learn this skill.  Much depends on your baby's
personalRock-A-Bye Baby ^-^ 157 ity, but the older a baby is when you start,
the more time the process may take.  You can safely start when your baby is
three to four months old and weighs twelve pounds.  At four months a baby may
need only two nights to get on track.  At ten months, a baby may take a week
or ten days.  These ten days may feel like the longest days of your life.

Marta lets out a sigh.  She is obviously upset as she describes Sarah's sleep
patterns.

"I thought things were going pretty well with Sarah's sleep.  It wasn't easy,
but it was manageable.  Then we went to my sister's for Thanksgiving and
stayed for the weekend.  My sister couldn't believe I was still getting up at
night two and three times.  Since we've been home things have been getting
even worse.  Sarah's waking almost every two hours now.  I can get her back
to sleep if I feed her or bring her into my bed.  But I'm upset about going
back to so many bottles at night.  I've always heard it was supposed to get
easier at three months, not harder.  I don't know what to do anymore.  What's
wrong?"

Having regularly worked with mothers at this especially confusing juncture,
it iseasy to hear the confusion and guilt in Marta's question.  She may as
well have asked, "What have I done wrong?"

Usually there is no single wrong to right, no single switch to flip.

In Marta's case there are a number of things to consider regarding her
feelings of guilt.  First is the very common instinct a new mother has to
continue doing what she has always done to soothe her baby to sleep despite
the fact that her baby is changing.  At fifteen weeks, Sarah is exactly in
the middle of the transition phase.  She is ready for a consistent sleep
routine.  Next is the holiday disruption of Sarah's schedule.  Any overnight
trip can throw a baby for a loop 158 , <^-^.  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

and it can take several days to get back to normal.  This is no reason to
avoid travel, but it is the price one pays.  Last is Marta's sister's
response, which made Marta wonder if she should be getting up at night for
Sarah at all.

Marta goes on.

"I know you said I couldn't spoil her at this age, but maybe I have made her
too dependent on me.  I never let her cry.  I never want to let her cry.  I
can't imagine doing this sleep training.

I get tense even thinking about it.  If I let her cry, she'd think I don't
care.  She would feel unhappy and lonely.  Eventually she would feel
deserted!  "

Marta is quiet and the group waits for her to continue.  After a pause, Marta
says,

"I've messed up, haven't I?  I didn't want rules for my baby.  I wanted to be
different.  More flexible and giving.  My mother and father were so strict
with me, so removed."

Marta's need to be super responsive to her baby is fueled in part by old
hurt.  During the early months of motherhood, Marta's ability to soothe and
protect her baby fulfilled a deep need for Marta.  But as Marta realizes that
Sarah's interrupted night sleep is not good for her, she becomes torn and
upset.  She feels the need to set limits but cannot tolerate even the idea of
Sarah crying.  Setting limits has become confused with being punitive and
distant.  Making this connection and putting her feelings into a larger
context help Marta to rethink her plans.

Most parents attribute all sorts of negative, adult emotions to the cries of
their infant children.  Referred to as projection, this very common reaction
can be an effective stumbling block to help inga baby learn to fall asleep on
his own.  When we ask the rest of the mothers to imagine how their babies
would feel if left to cry for a period of five minutes, their answers come
fast and furious.

Rock-A-Bye Baby v-^ 159 "She would feel abandoned."

"He would be scared!"   "He would panic at the idea of not being fed."
"She would wonder where the hell I was."

"He would feel lost, helpless."  "She would be afraid of the dark."

The sound of your baby crying can evoke powerful, raw emotions.  Some parents
describe it as merely unpleasant, while others say it is physically painful
for them.  Listening to your baby cry can stir feelings from child- hood.
You may remember being afraid of monsters or of the dark.  But there is a big
difference in the memories of fright of older children and what is going on
in an infant's mind.

When your baby cries, he is not scared.  He is not thinking of monsters or of
the dark.  He most probably is frustrated, upset, and angry.  Because he
cannot talk, he cries.  Some parents tell us that it helps them to under-
stand these cries as those of frustration and anger rather than of fear or
sadness.  Your baby was dependent on your help to get to sleep.  He was
accustomed to being fed, rocked, and sung to at any hour of the night.  And
now you are setting his very first and earliest limit.  He is just plain
angry.  And no wonder.

Children of any age will protest against limits.  Ultimately however, they
need limits, feel safe and protected by them.  When a parent sets limits on
candy or television with a two-year-old, for instance, the child's tantrum is
considered normal and benign, not at all pleasant, but almost to be expected
at this age.  So, when you set a limit regarding sleep with your
five-month-old baby, try to think of his crying spell as a normal response to
this limit.  Letting your baby cry at night for a controlled period of time
and for the purpose of regulating his sleep will not harm him nor damage your
relationship with him.  He will still love you in the morning.

160 <^-^- A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

^^ WHEN SPOUSES DISAGREE

Another potential stumbling block to teach inga baby how to sleep through the
night is conflict between husband and wife.  Often couples are at bitter odds
over how to deal with their baby's crying.

Disagreements blister in the night, especially when the crying triggers
different emotions in each partner.  Unfortunately, arguments about a baby's
sleep patterns can become an outlet for resentment that has built up between
couples over other issues.

Leslie has been fighting with Vince about letting five- month-old Eric cry at
night.

"Vince has a really hard time listening to Eric cry.  It just kills him.  He
goes nuts after about three minutes.  I think Eric is ready to stop nursing
at night.  So, when he cries at two in the morning I give him his pacifier,
or rub his tummy.  But I try not to nurse him.  Then I put him in his crib .
..  and pray.  Sometimes he'll settle down but if he doesn't, Vince insists
that I give in.  And, inevitably, I nurse him to sleep.  Sometimes it takes
as little as a minute of nursing before Eric's asleep, so I know it's not
that he's hungry.

"Vince thinks the baby is too young to be left to cry.  I think the baby is
too old to still be needing me every night.  I don't like to hear him cry
either, but I think I have the right to get him to sleep through the night.
After all, I'm the one who is taking care of him all day.  I think I know
what's right here."

The differences in attitudes, vulnerabilities, and expectations between
Leslie and Vince have come to a head.  Meanwhile, their inconsistent messages
to Eric of letting him cry and then responding, of letting him cry again and
then nursing him have made Eric confused and increasingly demanding.

Rock-A-Bye Baby c^> 161 Leslie continues.

"When a baby is breast-fed, I think the father feels powerless.  That's what
we were fighting about last night.  Vince was threatening to give Eric a
bottle if I wouldn't nurse him.  It got into a huge contest of wills.  I
lost.  And now I don't see how anything is going to change."

Leslie and Vince need to set aside some time to talk without drama or
interruption during the calm of day instead of over the baby's head in the
dead of night.  It will be important for each of them to agree to disengage
from battle in order to explore their feelings about teaching Eric to sleep.
It can be helpful if a husband and wife try to figure out what their baby's
cries are triggering in each of them.

The following week, Leslie tells us that she and Vince went out for coffee
and that, in the setting of a public place, they were able to talk together
much more thought- fully and sensitively.  Vince told Leslie that he resented
being left out of each and every decision about their baby.  He said he
didn't understand how Leslie could be so unemotional about Eric's crying.
Leslie admitted that she had been bull-headed in the way she had assumed the
right to make all the decisions but felt in need of control in her job as
mother.

"Maybe it's because I was fired from my job," Leslie says.

"That was so awful.  I'm not really over it.  But all of Vince's opinions
just sound like criticism, like I'm not doing this job right either.  He's so
overbearing."

During their talk, Vince tried to get at why Eric's cries make him feel
anxious.  As the fourth of five children, Vince says he rarely got enough of
his parents' undivided attention when he was growing up.  He doesn't want
Eric to have to experience that feeling.  Leslie, on the other hand, tells
the group that much of her grow162 <^ -< A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

ing up was spent trying to become independent of her parents.  Her parents
were very involved in her life, and in some ways their high expectations for
her made her want to run.  She wants to give Eric space to work things out on
his own.

If one partner cannot tolerate the baby's cries and is very emotional about
it, the other partner will often take on the role of "the reasonable one."
Vince's response to Eric's cries are clearly tied to his feelings from
childhood.  Leslie's non response may appear to be the rational one, but it,
too, is an emotional response.  It is helpful to remember that there is no
good guy or bad guy in this process.  Both parents' feelings and opinions
play an important part.

Leslie and Vince had been fighting about Eric's sleep but it wasn't sleep
that was at issue.  Their feelings of resentment, powerlessness, and old hurt
were blocking any chance of coming to an agreement about Eric.  Having made a
breakthrough in communication that led to a better understanding of what
Eric's cries elicit in each of them, they will be more effective supporting
one another.

If you try to work together through this provocative period, it can help you
to feel closer as a couple.  Ideally you will be able to proceed as a team,
focusing on your baby's needs as well as your own.

Once your baby starts sleeping more regularly, life will resume more normal
patterns.  You and your spouse will have more time for yourselves and for
each other.

^^ THE HOW-TOS

You and your husband have decided that you are ready or desperate enough to
try to teach your baby good Rock-A-Bye Baby v-^ 165 sleeping habits.  After
endless nights of broken sleep, a new logic has emerged: This is not good for
our baby.  Or for us.  So now what?

Enlist each other's support.  Sleep work is best when both parents are
actively involved.  If you are a single parent, or if your spouse is
regularly away on business, ask a friend to help you.  This could be your
sister, your mother, anyone who knows both you and your baby well and who
would be willing to spend the night at your house and go through the process
with you.  It should be someone with whom you can talk openly about your
feelings and plans, someone you can lean on for support and encouragement
when you are faltering.

Clarify your motivations.  Write down your goals and the reasons behind them.
Include words of was- dom to yourself because you may well be turning for
reassurance to these ideas at a weak moment in the middle of the night.  For
example, you might write: We can't go on like this.  The baby is always
cranky.  I am overtired.

My husband and I are fighting.

The baby could be waking up every night like this until he is two or three
years old.

Other babies sleep well.  So can ours.

This is in our baby's best interests.

Select a day to start.  A Friday or Saturday night is a good choice because
you will not have the pres- sure of a workday hanging over you.  Don't make
other plans for the evenings during the first week 164 <^-7 A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

of sleep work.  Make your baby's sleep training your only commitment.

Set your waiting interval.  Choose an amount of time that you think you could
tolerate listening to your baby cry without going to him and without feeling
pushed over the edge yourself.  Whatever you decide, this will be the period
to wait before you go to check on your baby the first time.  Keep in mind
that babies need time to work through their crying and to figure out some
self-soothing techniques.  We think five minutes is the minimum amount a baby
can make use of effectively.  The whole process will go more quickly if this
interval is longer.  If you think you can handle it, set your first waiting
interval at ten or fifteen minutes.

Put your baby in his crib before he is asleep.  On the first night at
seven-thirty or eight, it's bedtime as usual.  Use your baby's now-familiar
bedtime roll- tine to ready him for the night.  Carefully watch your baby to
be sure he does not fall asleep in your arms or at your breast.  Put him in
his crib when he is drowsy but not fully asleep.  Even if your baby does not
appear tired, put him in his crib.

Say good- night in a loving manner.  Try to rid your voice of guilt or
pleading.  Your baby will better understand that you mean business from a
convinced tone of voice.  So try to sound like you mean it.

Then leave the room.

Look at the clock when your baby begins to cry.  Make a note of the time your
baby wakes up and keep track of the duration of his cries.

It can be helpful to have this to hold on to in the middle Rock-A-Bye Baby
c-^ 165 of the night so you can see your baby's progress, however slight.

Time your first waiting interval.  If this is the first time you have put
your baby in his crib before he is asleep, he will probably cry right away
and the first timed interval of his crying and your waiting will begin right
then, at the bedtime hour.  Some- times a baby will awaken forty minutes to
an hour after he has fallen asleep at bedtime and parents can misread this
short sleep as an early evening nap.  However, no matter when the first
waking occurs, treat it as a night waking, not as a nap.  If your baby is at
the stage where he can drift off to sleep on his own, then the first timed
interval will begin when he awakens later in the night.

Support one another.  If it is the middle of the night and one of you is
still sleeping, rouse your partner.  Both of you should be fully awake so
that you can support each other during the timed waiting interval before you
check on your baby.  If either of you feels yourself faltering, remind each
other of your goals.  Read over your motivation sheet.  Remember that this is
short-term and well worth the effort.

Listen to your baby cry.  Parents respond differently to this difficult task.
You may decide you need to listen intently to every cry and gasp your baby
makes.  If so, it may help you to make something of an exercise of this.  You
can try to discern the rhythm to your baby's cries as it changes in intensity
and timbre; you can try to identify the moment when your baby switches from
angry cries to an accepting cry as he begins to soothe himself.  Alter166
'^-^ - A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

natively, you may decide that you need some emotional distance from your
baby's crying.  It may help you to listen from farther away, to focus only on
the passing minutes, or to avoid listening altogether

(Although one partner should listen at all times.  ) If the sound of your
baby crying becomes too painful for either of you, have that person take a
break: take a walk, a shower, or listen to music on headphones.

Make it a point to try to understand what the crying elicits in you.

Is it fear?  Is it anxiety?  Discerning your own response can shed light on
how you project your past onto your baby's cries.  It may help you to go
forward.

Check in.  After you have waited for your set amount of time, check on your
baby.  Either parent can do this, but if you are doing sleep training with a
friend, check-ins are best done by the child's parent.  Checking in serves
two purposes.  One is to re- assure your baby that you are still there.  The
other is to reassure you that, although clearly upset, your baby is in no
danger.  When you check on your baby, keep it short no longer than one to two
minutes.  Leave the lights off.  Don't feed your baby.  This is not meant to
be a time to soothe your baby back to sleep the way you always have, but you
can gently fix his blanket, pat his head, rub his back or stomach, find his
pacifier for him, and say some soothing words.  Some parents develop a
routine of rhythmic back-patting and "shhhh/'-chanting.  We don't usually
recommend that you pick your baby up, but you can try it to see his response.
It may help him break the cycle of crying and give him a fresh start; if so,
great.  On the other hand it may confuse and Rock-A-Bye Baby ^-^> 167
frustrate your baby when you put him back to bed.  In general, we have found
it works best to do the least amount you can before leaving the room.

Of course, when your baby is upset your natural inclination will be to soothe
him, to pick him up and rock him.  But during this process of sleep work you
will have to resist these instincts.  Going against the desire to soothe your
baby as you always have is one of the most difficult parts of sleep work for
all new parents.

Extend your timed waiting interval.  After the first check-in, extend the
amount of time you wait before the next check-in.  You can increase by single
min- minutes or by five minutes depending on how much you think you can
handle.  For example: ten minutes of crying.  Check in.  Fifteen minutes of
crying.  Check in.  Twenty minutes of crying.

Check in.  Once you have doubled the waiting time you started with, keep
checking in at this new interval until your baby falls asleep.

Frequent check-ins can interrupt a baby's process of settling down.

By doubling your initial timed waiting interval, you give your baby more of a
chance to learn to soothe himself.

Time your second waiting interval.  If there is a pause in your baby's cries
and then he resumes, begin timing anew Your baby will most likely continue to
cry after you have checked in on him, so look at the clock again; note the
end of your first check-in time and the beginning of the second waiting
interval.  Then prepare to wait again while your baby cries.

168 <^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Be consistent.  Although many families falter a few times during sleep
training, try to remember that if you do give in and feed or rock your baby
to sleep after a prolonged interval of crying, his crying has been for
naught.  Your baby has not learned that he is capable of falling asleep on
his own.  He has not learned to soothe himself.  He has only learned that
unrelenting crying will eventually bring you to him.  Hold on to this idea
when your resolve feels low.  Whatever amount of waiting time you have
chosen, talk your plan through with your partner.  And help each other to be
consistent.  The payoff for you and your baby is within sight.

^^ "BUT, WHAT IF ... ?"

Very frequently, parents second-guess why their baby is crying during sleep
training.  They feel guilty and, looking for an out, they imagine that their
baby is sick or teething or hungry.  It is important to rule out legitimate
health reasons for a baby's crying such as otitis (ear infection) or upper
respiratory infection (head and chest colds), but it would be impossible to
address all the many fears and doubts parents may have.  A few common
questions include: "What if he's hungry?"

The specter of a miserably hungry baby crying out in the night hangs over
most parents on the eve of their sleep work.  Parents are somehow not
reassured upon hearing again that a three-to-four-month-old baby who weighs at
least twelve pounds can get through an elevenRock-A-Bye Baby ^ ^ 169
to-twelve-hour period of nighttime sleep without a feeding.  They have become
so accustomed to feeding their baby at regular intervals through the night
that this seems incredible to them.

Babies are creatures of habit.  And they are smart.  On the first night
without his middle-of-the-night feeding your baby probably is a little hungry
and is expecting to be fed.  He cries because he knows he will be fed.  But
he doesn't need to eat.  Giving up the middle-of-the-night feeding is not
easy for your baby; it is stretching him.  But almost immediately he will
naturally begin to eat more during the day and he will not be hungry at night.

If your baby is like Leslie's, needing only one minute or less of nursing
before falling back to sleep, it iseasy to see that he is not actually
hungry.  But if your baby has been taking eight ounces of formula or nursing
for ten to fifteen minutes several times a night, he has without doubt grown
accustomed to refilling his belly throughout the night.  In this case, we do
not recommend doing sleep work all in one fell swoop, particularly if your
baby is only three to four months old.  Rather, you can first help your baby
to learn the skill of falling asleep on his own at bedtime.  Then you can
gradually cut down on his night feedings.  Given the option, some parents
choose to wake their babies for one night feeding before they go to bed
themselves.  Having slept from 7:30 or 8:00 p.  m.  " babies typically are so
soundly asleep at eleven or twelve at night that they wake up only partially,
then fall directly back to sleep after a feeding.  Even though he is still
getting this one night feeding, the fact that you are waking him up instead
of the other way around makes your message consistent.  Once your other goals
are accomplished, you can eliminate this late-night snack.

170 ^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Some parents prefer to train their babies gradually to expect less during
their nighttime feedings, although this method usually takes longer.  They
continue to feed their babies when they cry at night, but diminish the number
of ounces, or minutes on each breast, until a feeding is so minimal that it
is clear their baby no longer needs it.

"What if he is teething?"

Parents regularly invoke teething to avoid sleep training.  The truth is,
babies are teething throughout this entire period.  Unless your baby's tooth
is actually just cutting the gum, or his gums are inflamed, there is no need
to interrupt or forestall sleep work.  If the erupting tooth is obviously
giving your baby pain, consult your pediatrician about options for relieving
your baby's discomfort.

"What if he is cold?"

A baby's room at night should be kept dark and comfortably cool.  Not warm.
Windows can be left open during nap time and nighttime.

Typically, parents overdress their babies and keep them altogether too warm.
Babies at this age can live at the same temperature as their parents do.  And
fresh night air can actually help babies to breathe more easily.

"What if he needs a new diaper?"

Changinga baby's diaper almost inevitably will bring him wide-awake.

But if your baby has a bowel movement, it is important to change his diaper.
If your baby's diaper is wet, it is not necessary to change it unless it is
soaking Rock-A-Bye Baby c ^ 171 or leaking.  If you are using cloth diapers,
it can be a good idea to double-diaper your baby at night or consider using
an absorb ant disposable diaper just during these nights of sleep training.
In any case, keep the room dark during a diaper change and try to keep
socializing to a minimum.

"What if he throws up from crying so much?"

Vomiting during sleep training is not the norm but it does happen.  As long
as your baby is not sick or feverish, you can proceed in all good conscience.
It may help to keep in mind that babies do not have the same emotional
response to vomiting as do older children.  It makes him uncomfortable, it is
not pleasant, but it is not upsetting to him.  If your baby does throw up, go
to him right away.  Bringa warm face cloth with you.  Keep the room in semi-
darkness.  You or your spouse can wash your baby while the other changes his
crib sheets.

Take a little extra time to settle your baby down again, but don't feed him.
If you react with great distress and fuss, your baby may learn that this is a
surefire way to get your attention.  Say good-night, leave the room, and
proceed with your plan.

"What if he loses his pacifier?"

The pacifier can be more hindrance than help during sleep work.  You can try
to increase your baby's chances of finding his pacifier on his own by putting
three or four of them in his crib.  Or, you can retrieve his pacifier for him
during a check-in.  But don't find it for him more than three times, otherwise
this may develop into a fixed pattern.  Another route to consider is weaning
him of the pacifier for sleep purposes, which will further encourage 172
<^-7- A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

him to find his own self-soothing techniques.  Many babies who use a pacifier
during the early months naturally turn to sucking their fingers or thumb.
This is a fine and ever- available way for a baby to soothe himself to sleep.

"What if he rolls over onto his back and gets stuck like a turtle?"

The same advice goes for this as for the pacifier.  You can turn your baby
over during check-ins but only do this three times.  After that you have to
let him learn to settle himself to sleep on his back or roll over by himself.
During the day you can help your baby to practice flipping himself over from
his back to his stomach so that eventu- ally he will be able to find his most
comfortable position for sleep on his own.

"What if my baby is whimpering but not really crying?  Does that count when I
am timing?"

A baby's heart-tugging but not heart-wrenching whimpers should be heard as
the background noises to his sleep work, the sounds he makes as he learns a
new way to settle himself to sleep.  Do not count whimpering as true crying
when you are timing your waiting interval.

"What if my baby seems upset the following day?"

Although many parents fear that they will see recrimination in their baby's
eyes in the morning after a night of sleep work, these fears are more
projection than not.  However, we are not saying that this isn't hard for
your baby.  It is.  He is working hard at learn inga new skill.  It
Rock-A-Bye Baby '-^ 173 is stretching him.  And it can be uncomfortable and
even upsetting to him.  Some babies will seem out of sorts during the days
following sleep training.  Often they are in fact more tired, or somewhat
disoriented by the change in their routine.  Indulge your baby during the
day.  Hold him more.  Make him as comfortable as you can.  We have never seen
this kind of upset behavior as other than a temporary response, and it will
not negatively affect the bond you have with your baby.

"What if my baby is sick?  Can sleep training make him sick?"

Neither sleep training nor crying can make a baby sick.  They cannot bring on
a fever, cold, or ear infection.  Some- times, however, a couple will start
sleep work only to realize sometime in the course of it that their baby is
sick.  This can induce intense guilt in parents and some couples will make an
incorrect connection between crying and illness.  If your baby becomes sick
during sleep training, this is purely an unfortunate coincidence.  In this
case, stop all sleep work and tend to your sick baby as much as he needs.
Once cleared medically, you can resume sleep training.

"What if I've been true to form for two weeks and still there is no change or
progress?"

If sleep training is taking longer than two weeks, if you are seeing no
improvement or only consistently erratic patterns in your baby's sleep, it's
important to check with your pediatrician.  Sometimes a baby will develop a
subtle medical problem that manifests itself with sleep problems.  Sometimes
a baby will develop an intolerance for the for174 '-^-:' -A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

mula he is taking, sometimes he will develop allergies, sometimes he will
suffer from mild ear infections which worsen when he is lying down.  In any
case, it's important to get the okay from the pediatrician before you
continue with sleep training.

"What if I blow it one night, give in, and nurse him to sleep.  Have 1 ruined
it?"

This does confuse your child and it may prolong the process but most parents
falter at one point or another during the course of sleep work.  Be gentle on
yourself.  Pick up the pieces and get ready again.

Your baby is still able to learn.  Remind yourself of your goals, for both
you and your baby.  Success depends on consistency but it also depends on how
wholeheartedly you proceed.

^ ^ EARLY MORNING WAKINGS

"Keith is doing amazingly well now," Alicia proudly re- ports two weeks after
our sleep session.

"It was hard but we did it.  Three bad nights of crying and now he's sleeping
through the night!  I put him to bed an hour after I get home at night so
usually that's about eight or eight- thirty.  The only thing is, he wakes up
like clockwork at five-thirty in the morning.  At that point I feel like I
have to go to him.  I think he must be starving because he guzzles his bottle
down in minutes.  And then he's so bright and wide-eyed that it's hard to
think about putting him back to bed."

Early morning wakings are one of the most difficult parts of sleep training.
Your baby has slept through fiveRock-A-Bye Baby t ^ 175 sixths of his night.
He is able to awaken now to an alert state.  Any waking before 6:00 a.  m.
can be treated as a night waking.  Your baby has not had his full cycle of
sleep.  Nine or ten hours may seem like enough, but it is not.  Deprived of
one to two hours of sleep each night, he will soon become chronically
overtired and this will negatively affect his overall sleep habits.

"Sleep begets sleep" is also true in the reverse.  Insufficient sleep begets
a disrupted sleep schedule.

Many parents opt to deal with this early morning waking problem only after
they have gotten a few of their other sleep training goals accomplished.
This can be fine short-term while you are working on some other aspect of his
sleep.  But losing that last hour and a half or two hours of his nighttime
sleep tends to disrupt his entire schedule of sleep.  So remember, within the
guidelines we have established, you get what you shoot for.  If you accept
5:00 or 5:30 a.  m.  as morning, so will your baby.  Try not to let guilt
undermine your goals.  You are not doing your baby a favor by picking him up
or nursing him at five in the morning.

^^ NAPS AND SCHEDULES

"Justin's nighttime sleep isn't really the problem," says Jane.

"He's seventeen weeks old and it's hard to get him to sleep at night but once
he's down, he's down.  Some- times he wakes up once but I can deal with that.
It's the day times that are killing me.  He never really naps, He takes
twenty-minute catnaps but then he's up and ready to go again.  I think he
must be exhausted, but he fights sleep."

176 <- -> -A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Many of the same guidelines apply to daytime as to nighttime sleep work.  It
is important to treat a nap much the same as you treat bedtime in the
evening.  During sleep training especially, we discourage letting your baby
catch naps on the go, in the swing, car seat, or stroller.  Instead, always
try to put your baby in his crib for his nap.  You can use an edited version
of your nightly bed- time routine in the day: clean diapers, a story or song,
a bottle or nursing.  Keep your baby's room dark, comfort- ably cool, and
quiet.

While your baby may have been able to sleep during a party or in his playpen
during the first few months of life, this no longer holds true.  Your baby
can and will be awakened from a nap.  So make the conditions conducive to
uninterrupted sleep.

By three to four months some babies take two naps of two hours each; others,
three to four forty-five-minute naps.  The morning nap usually begins one and
a half to two and a half hours after the morning waking and can last from one
to two hours.  Trust that your baby is ready for sleep and do not wait for
signs that he is tired.  While frequent short naps are fine as long as he is
getting a full night of sleep, longer naps provide him with more hours of deep
sleep.  The afternoon nap can start three to four hours after he awakens from
his first nap.  This usually lasts one or two hours as well.

When parents report that their babies won't take naps, we ask them to tell us
their baby's entire schedule of sleeping.  It's helpful to look at the big
picture to see how the pieces fit together.  Usually a baby who is not
napping well during the day, is also not getting enough sleep at night.  A
baby's daytime and nighttime sleep are interrelated.  One affects the other.
Once a baby has begun to sleep well during the night, he will often slide
into a reguRock-A-Bye Baby c-^ 177 lar schedule of naps during the day with
only minimal help from you.

If this is not the case for your baby, you may need to follow a similar sleep
training plan to help him sleep well during his daytime naps.

Your approach to daytime naps depends in part on how bad your baby's sleep
situation is, but it also depends on how you are feeling.  Doing the whole
package of sleep work at once is the easiest way for some parents to proceed
The benefits of doing the exact same thing whenever you put your baby to bed
early morning, daytime, bed- time, or middle of the night is that he gets a
consistent and clear message and many opportunities to learn the same lesson
in the course of a twenty-four-hour period.  Other parents find the prospect
of listening to their baby cry both night and day untenable.  These couples
know themselves well enough to recognize the limits to their tolerance and
choose to work on daytime sleep only after nighttime sleep has been
regulated.  Either of these two plans can work.

When you decide to take on nap time sleep work, there are two things that are
a little different from the plan we outlined for nighttime: Check-ins should
be especially brief.  Naptime should be limited to one hour when it is
interrupted by long spells of crying.

Checking in is typically more disruptive to a baby during his nap than it is
at night.  You may even want to consider not checking in at all during nap
time Some mothers check in verbally from outside the door, saying "Shhhh.
Time to go to sleep.  Mommy's here.  Go to sleep."

Sometimes babies will cry for ten or fifteen minutes, then sleep for an hour
or two.  Other times they will fall asleep without a fuss only to awaken
after twenty min- minutes.  Obviously, this is not a complete nap.  If your
baby 178 <^--> .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

cries for ten minutes and then sleeps for twenty and then cries for the
remaining thirty minutes until the full hour is met and you get him up, you
may feel as if you are giving him mixed messages.  But even though the lesson
your baby needs to learn is not contained in an individual crying episode,
the message ultimately gets through.

One Family's Story Elizabeth and Jonathan's baby, Lucy, has been growing and
developing beautifully.  At fourteen weeks, she weighed fifteen pounds, took
both breast milk and formula and had recently learned to roll over.  She was
laughing and vocalizing and was a very sociable baby.  It had been two weeks
since Lucy had started going to day care three times a week, up from twice,
and she had adjusted well to that.

Elizabeth's bedtime routine with Lucy included listening to a lullaby tape,
read inga story, and nursing her to sleep.  Bedtime was eight o'clock at
night and Lucy was sleeping until six-thirty in the morning with only one
night waking.  Then for a week straight she woke up two or three times every
night and it began to take longer and longer to get her back to sleep.  On
the night before Jonathan had an important meeting at work, Lucy woke up
four times.

Elizabeth had hoped this pattern would pass, but it didn't look like it was
going that way.  She and Jonathan realized they would have to intervene or
things would only worsen.  So she and her husband geared up for "the crying
thing."  Elizabeth and Jonathan's decision to do sleep training was a mutual
one, and they were commit- ted to making it work.  Anticipating the worst,
they deRock-A-Bye Baby t-^' 179 cided to start the process on a Friday
night.  They decided to work on Lucy's nighttime sleep first and to allow her
naps to take their own course for now.  Here's how it went:

NIGHT ONE FRIDAY

Jonathan comes home from the office early.  He is tired but happy to be home
with his wife and delighted to see Lucy, who always lights up when she sees
her father.  Elizabeth is anxious at the prospect of letting Lucy cry that
night.  She has prepared an early dinner but doesn't feel hungry.  She starts
Lucy's bedtime routine at 7:30 P.  M.  At 7:45 Lucy is calm and quiet on
Elizabeth's shoulder.  Jonathan kisses Lucy good-night and Elizabeth takes
her into her room.  She reads her Pat the Bunny, turns off the light, then
nurses her in the rocking chair.  The room is mostly dark, one corner dimly
illuminated by a nightlight.  For the first time, instead of waiting until
Lucy is sound asleep at her breast, Elizabeth puts her in her crib awake, and
says,

"Good-night, Lucy.  It's time to go to sleep now.  I love you."  And then
Elizabeth walks out, shutting the door as she always has.  It is 8:05 P.  M.
Lucy screams.  Elizabeth looks at Jonathan as if to say "I can't do this."
She starts for Lucy's door but Jonathan holds her arm, saying, "Let's try."
He checks his watch and leads Elizabeth into the living room.  They sit on
the couch and listen to Lucy cry.  They can't pretend to distract
themselves, so they watch the clock.  Elizabeth and Jonathan had decided they
would try to wait for ten min- minutes before their first check-in.  As the
ten-minute mark approaches, Elizabeth and Jonathan decide that Jonathan will
go in to Lucy this first time.

180 '-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

When Jonathan goes into the room Lucy quiets momentarily but then cries even
harder when she isn't picked up.  Jonathan finds Lucy's pacifier and tries to
give it to her, but she is crying too hard to take it.  At this, Jonathan
rubs her back and says

"Mommy and Daddy are right outside.  Go to sleep, honey."  Then he leaves the
room, shutting the door.  Lucy is wailing.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth feels slightly panicked at the sound of Lucy crying.
She can't decide which is more painful for her to be left listening to Lucy's
cries or to go to Lucy herself and not be able to pick her up.  "What was she
doing?"  she asks her husband.  Jonathan replies in an uncertain voice,

"She's sweaty.  Her eyes are puffed.

She's definitely pissed off.  I'm not sure if the check-in method is good for
her.  It seems cruel to walk out on her.  "

"We can't not check on her, Jon!"  Elizabeth insists.  "Okay, okay,"

Jonathan agrees,

"Let's keep doing it."  As Lucy's cries continue Elizabeth's becomes more
anxious.  She says she can't bear to hear Lucy crying anymore Jonathan says
he will go to Lucy the next time and tells Elizabeth to go for a walk.

Lucy continues to cry, but somewhat less intensely.  This time, after waiting
for twelve minutes, Jonathan goes in again.  He whispers, "Shhh, LuLu it's
okay," but his words seem lost under her cries.

Lucy is turning her head back and forth, rubbing her face on the sheet.  Her
blanket is in a ball at the bottom of her crib.  Jonathan straightens it,
rubs her back, and then leaves the room with a sigh.

He checks his watch and goes into the kitchen.  Lucy is still crying.

Elizabeth returns from her hallway walk and tenses when she hears Lucy's
cries.  Jonathan calls to his wife Rock-A-Bye Baby < <^ 181 from the
kitchen.  He has taken a pint of ice cream from the freezer and is chipping
at it with a spoon.  He puts it in the microwave to soften it and then they
both eat spoonfuls while standing at the kitchen counter.  All of a sudden
Lucy's crying stops.  Elizabeth and Jonathan look at the clock.  The last
interval lasted eight minutes.

It has been a total of thirty-three minutes since bedtime.  After Lucy has
been quiet for five minutes Jonathan relaxes, but Elizabeth is still anxious.
She wants to go into Lucy's room to make sure that Lucy is alright.
Jonathan doesn't think this is a good idea and asks her not to, but Elizabeth
says she will not be able to relax unless she does.  Jonathan knows Elizabeth
well enough to know this is true and agrees.  Elizabeth stealthily turns the
door handle to Lucy's room and tiptoes in.  Lucy is asleep at the end of her
crib, holding on to her blanket, her bottom high in the air.  Her breathing
is sure and steady and the sight of her calms Elizabeth immediately.  When
Elizabeth comes out into the light of the living room she and Jonathan
embrace.

On this first night Lucy fell asleep during her third interval of crying.
She experienced a lot of new things during the thirty-three minutes of being
awake and on her own; among them probably frustration, anger, the sense of
being separate from her mother and father, the physicality of very hard
crying, the feeling of moving around in her crib, finding her blanket,
rubbing her face on the sheet, find inga comfortable position, and finally
settling down.  One way or the other she found some way of soothing herself.
Perhaps it was the rubbing motion of her face on the crib sheet or sucking on
her blanket.  Some babies suck their thumbs or twirl their hair, some nuzzle
a blanket or a stuffed animal, some grunt and chant.  Some babies cry to
block out the world, to let out their tension and then 182 '^-^ .  A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

quickly become ready for sleep.  The critical point is that each baby needs
to find his own way.

Elizabeth and Jonathan, though anxious and somewhat ambivalent about this
undertaking, worked together well.  Later that night they will be tested
further.  Sticking to a difficult plan can challenge even the most compatible
of couples.  After polishing off the ice cream, Elizabeth and Jonathan watch
television for an hour and then decide to go to bed.  It is 10:00 P.  M.  At
2:05 a.  m.  Lucy wakes with a scream.  Elizabeth wakes instantly.

Jonathan snores.  Elizabeth considers waking him but holds back.  For the
moment she decides not to wake him because she knows he has been under a lot
of extra stress lately and needs his sleep more than she does.  She gets up,
taking her watch with her, and goes to the bathroom.  After four minutes of
listening to Lucy's escalating cries, Elizabeth's jaw is clenched.  Six
minutes to go.  Elizabeth tweezes her eyebrows, trying to distract herself
with the pain of each pluck.  Then, she edges toward Lucy's room and stands
at her door.  At ten minutes Eliza- beth is relieved to be able to go to her
baby.  Lucy is now on the other end of her crib, crying, facedown.  Her sheet
is wet with tears.  Elizabeth moves her toward the center of her crib, where
it is dry.

Lucy is hot and sweaty but quiets at the sight of her mother.

Elizabeth feels tears welling up inside of her.  She pats Lucy gently in the
semidarkness.  Elizabeth feels conflicted but encouraged by Lucy's calm and
forces herself to stick to the plan, saying

"It's night-night time, LuLu.  I love Lu.  Go to sleep."  Then she walks out
of the room, checking her watch.  It's two-seventeen.  Lucy begins to howl.

On the verge of crying herself, Elizabeth goes into her Rock-A-Bye Baby ^^
185 bedroom and shakes Jonathan.  Jarred from sleep, he is disoriented.

"How can you sleep through this?"  Elizabeth hisses.  "You wouldn't wake up
even if Lucy were choking to death!  Why do I have to be the responsible one?"

"What time is it?"  Jonathan asks, still waking up.

"Do you want me to go in to her?  How long has she been crying?  Why didn't
you wake me?"

"No, I don't want you to go to her!"  Elizabeth retorts.  "I want you to tell
me how you can sleep through this!"

"Shit, Liz, I'm sorry!  I guess I'm tired," says Jonathan.  "You could have
woken me up."

Elizabeth's hard-edged demeanor suddenly shatters and she is crying.

Jonathan holds her and strokes her hair.

"Now both my girls are crying," Jonathan says.

"Shall I check the time when you started?"

Elizabeth laughs through her tears.  She and Jonathan talk quietly, holding
each other as they listen to Lucy cry and watching the digital clock as it
glows and flickers in the dark.  Lucy's cries fill the apartment.  Just
before the second waiting interval of twelve minutes Lucy stops crying.
Elizabeth and Jonathan can't believe it.

They settle into a comfortable position in bed and begin to relax.

Then Lucy cries again.  Elizabeth tenses and Jonathan groans.  Jonathan says
he'll go in but Elizabeth remembers that they need to begin the timing all
over again after an episode of quiet if the crying time was shorter than the
full interval.  They start from time zero.  Lucy cries for another six
minutes and then stops.  It's 2:34 a.  m.  Elizabeth and Jonathan try to go
back to sleep themselves, but they are both restless.  They toss and turn.
Jonathan falls asleep within half an hour but it is closer to 4:00 a.  m.
before Elizabeth lapses into sleep.

184 '^-'.  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Lucy cries out.  Elizabeth wakes and looks at the clock.  It is 5:05 a.  m.
This time Elizabeth doesn't hesitate to wake Jonathan.  They stay in bed and
listen to Lucy cry, watching the clock.  In seven minutes Lucy stops crying
and without even trying to, everyone falls immediately to sleep until 7:20 a.
m.  when Lucy calls out again.

Elizabeth is out of bed in a flash.  She picks Lucy up and holds her close,
saying,

"Good morning, sweetness!"  They have survived the first night.

NIGHT TWO SATURDAY

The second night progresses in much the same way except that Lucy is
beginning to be very overtired as are both Elizabeth and Jonathan.

Lucy's cries are just as difficult to listen to, but they do not last quite
as long.  After the third waking of the night, Elizabeth feels a strong
desire to trash the whole process, to apologize to Lucy, to save her, nurse
her, rock her to sleep.  But Jonathan reminds Elizabeth of their friends'
baby, who is still waking two and three times a night.  He is almost two
years old.

NIGHT THREE SUNDAY

On the third night Lucy's total crying time at her bed- time drops to eight
minutes.  She wakes only once in the middle of the night and goes back to
sleep after five min- minutes of crying.

NIGHT FOUR MONDAY

Elizabeth and Jonathan are hopeful.  Lucy settles herself down to sleep after
crying for eight minutes.  But one hour after bedtime she wakes up and cries
more loudly than she ever has.  This goes on for close to an hour with four
Rock-A-Bye Baby c--^ 185 check-ins, throwing Elizabeth and Jonathan into a
tailspin.  Lucy has never done this before.

"Is she sick?  Has she snapped?  Are we being bad parents?"  they ask them-
selves.

It is frequently at this point that parents decide they will not continue
with sleep training.  They are overtired, overwrought, and overwhelmed.  They
feel their efforts are not panning out and begin to doubt the process
altogether.  Their workweek demands hang over them and, desperate for sleep
themselves, they want to cut their losses and get some sleep no matter what.
They go to their baby and feel they are at last able to do what their
instincts have been telling them to do all along to hold and rock and soothe
their crying infant.

Often they are angry at us for putting them through this ordeal.  They put
off sleep training for a few days or weeks or, perhaps indefinitely.

On night four, during Lucy's hour-long cry, Elizabeth and Jonathan take turns
going in to Lucy every ten min- minutes.  Finally she quiets and then sleeps
from 9:20 p.  m.  through the night until 6:50 a.  m.  Elizabeth wakes up
twice during the night, anticipating Lucy's cries.

Once, at 3:15 a.  m.  " she creeps into Lucy's room to check on her and finds
that all is well.  What began as a setback proves to be Lucy's longest sleep
through the night.

NIGHTS FIVE, SIX, AND SEVEN TUESDAY .  .  .

Nights five and six unfold much as night four, but with significantly shorter
crying spells.  By the seventh night Lucy cries only three minutes at bedtime
and then sleeps through the night from 8:05 P.  M.  until 7:35 a.  m.  It
seems a miracle.

186 <^-: A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

In one week Elizabeth and Jonathan helped Lucy go from a patchy nine hours of
sleep with two and three night wakings to a full eleven and a half hours of
straight sleep with minimal crying at bedtime.  During the process of sleep
training Elizabeth has become aware that Lucy's cries touch on wounds from
her own past and provoke significant anxiety for her.  When Jonathan is able
to sleep through Lucy's cries it can make Elizabeth particularly upset.  This
too is linked to her past.  When Jonathan is awake and participating in the
process, however, his comparative calm and confidence in the process of sleep
training is helpful to Elizabeth.  Most importantly, Elizabeth has learned
that if she can tolerate Lucy's crying for short periods without going to
her, then Lucy is able to fall asleep on her own.

Very soon Lucy will not cry at all and she will even be pleased to be put to
bed.

Taking care of children requires unending patience, energy and creativity.
It can be joyful and fulfilling but it is always demanding.  Add helping to
care for your home and spouse, a job or part-time work, friends and other
family members to the equation, and getting through a single day becomes a
challenge.  If you are trying to juggle all this on nights of broken sleep,
you are most probably at wits' end.  Parentingall day is hard enough.
Parenting night and day is asking too much of yourself.

If your five-month-old baby is still waking up through- out the night and
splintering your sleep, it's no wonder you have become depleted, impatient,
tense.  Babies who don't get enough sleep are more needy, more easily
frustrated, and generally harder to care for during the day.  When they are
overtired for long periods of time their development may be compromised.  The
long-range effects Rock-A-Bye Baby c-^ 187 of lett inga child go without
learning how to get to sleep and stay asleep are far worse than the nights of
crying entailed in sleep training.

As we help mothers and couples get through the often heart-wrenching process
of sleep training we try to adapt the plan to fit the family.

Often we will tinker with the plan as we go along, troubleshooting with the
parents for their areas of conflict or resistance.  The mothers are
encouraged to call us between weekly sessions if they need to.  Many times
parents simply need to hear encouragement and to have someone else reassure
them that progress is occurring.

Helping parents to help their babies sleep well goes most smoothly when we
can talk them through it face-to- face and devise a tailor-made plan.  We
have tried here to put in writing the essential framework to sleep training,
the myriad questions that come up, and the kind of hand- holding
encouragement that most parents need.  But a book cannot communicate entirely
this personal approach.  Although many couples manage on their own, the sup-
port and objective perspective of a third person helps in troubleshooting.
Ideally this would be someone who has been through a similar process.

A lot of the mothers in our groups become defensive and angry when we suggest
change to them even more so when we recommend letting their babies cry.  But
once these same mothers' babies are sleeping through the night they feel both
relief and gratitude for the guidance and support.  Over the years the
parents with whom we've worked have given us glowing reports of the positive
effects of sleep training.  Their children are able to go to bed happily and
easily and sleep soundly through the night.

188 ^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Babies thrive on regular schedules and on plenty of sleep.  They feel better
when their parents are in control.  Structure gives babies a sense of safety
and predictability.  Comfortable in an established routine and able to fall
asleep on his own, a baby no longer needs to battle before bed.  The bedtime
routine becomes a precious and soothing time together at the end of each day.

Parents who help their babies learn to sleep through the night report having
more confidence, energy, and patience themselves.  Many say that their
children's moods are significantly improved.  Once a baby's sleep is
regulated, his days are spent playing, learning, and loving more happily.  A
good night's sleep for your child is a gift to the whole family.

SEVEN

The Legacy of Your Own Mother Old Conflicts, New Connections By the time your
baby says

"Mama, Mama," naming and claiming you forever, you will already have begun to
inextricably weave

"Mother" into the fabric of your identity.  Integrally woven into that same
cloth is your own mother, as she is now and as she was when you were a child.
As you begin to think about yourself as a mother, it becomes especially
important to look at the model your mother was for you and at the early
relationship you had with her.  This process can help you to recognize the
vital ways your mother has supported and nurtured you and the strengths in
her you wish to emulate.  But it can also be painful, as you think about the
ways she let you down or hurt you.

For some, it may trip fears and anxieties about her eventual loss, or renew
grief over her untimely death.

The process of understanding the defining influence your mother has had on
you will continue throughout your life, but it may flare with emotion as you
first step 189 19Q ^-' .  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

into a domain that was hers.  No matter how you are feeling about your
mother, we urge you to begin to reflect on the place she holds in your heart.
This may seem purely an exercise in looking back, but the goal of your
exploration is also about the future.  It will affect how you mother your
baby, how you feel about yourself as a mother, and how you construct your
family life.  It is meant to help you become the kind of mother you would
most like to be.

The temperature has dropped.  Daylight ends at four o'clock in the afternoon
these days.  The anticipation of winter holidays and festivities, family
gatherings and traditions is heightened this year for the women in our group
by the presence of their new babies.

The mothers peel off their layers and make themselves and their babies
comfortable.  The windows, like mirrors, reflect the group, and there is a
cozy, protected sense to being inside together.

"I'm almost afraid to say this," Jessica begins, "but Nell and I have had a
wonderful week.  I think she may finally be past her colicky stage!"

Everybody claps.  Jane, who is sitting next to Jessica, leans over and
tickles Nell, saying,

"We are so glad you're a happy girl now!"  Nell gives her a big, toothless
smile in return.

The storm of Nell's newborn stage has passed and Jessica has begun to relax,
to feel more confident and playful and to rejoice in her role as mother.
Three months old now, her unpredictable, often inconsolable, infant has
changed into a smiling, cuddly baby.  Nell still needs Jessica in the most
primal way to be held and fed and rocked and soothed but her crying has
tapered off draThe Legacy of Your Own Mother <--c^> 191 matically and
she can more easily respond to every bit of nurturing.

Jessica continues.

"It's like night and day.  She is the sweetest thing on earth now.  I'm so
relieved.  I finally feel like a good mother.  In fact, sometimes I feel
almost perfect."

Life with a settled baby can be profoundly soothing, a harmonious circle of
nurturing and affection between mother and child.  Many women in our groups
say they feel like perfect mothers when their babies are four to five months
old.  It is at this period that a first-time mother may think she will be
able to perfectly provide for and protect her little one, sparing her or him
from the pains and hurts of her own childhood, repeating only the best parts,
and doing everything right.

"I remember adoring my mother," Jessica responds.  "She was beautiful.

She still is.  But I always wanted more of her.  My sisters and I have a
running joke about her: "Mom never worked outside the home--so where was
she?"  That's an exaggeration, of course.  I mean, she was there.  But she
was a whirlwind.  She never stopped.  I know she must have been juggling like
mad.  I was the second of three girls.  We were born right in a row--bang,
bang, bang.  One a year.  I don't know how she did it.  It's hard work.  I
mean, I can barely handle one baby.  The thing is, my mother did the job
well.  She cooked balanced meals.  That was a big thing for her, that we were
properly fed.  And she kept the house clean.  But I remember feeling lonely
for her.  I don't want Nell to feel that way.  "

At this, Leslie remarks,

"I grew up in a household that sounds like the opposite of yours.  There were
three children too, but supper was usually something out of a can and our
house was a mess.  My mother says she didn't 192 ^-^ -A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

care about appearances but I think she was overwhelmed.  Dad was gone a lot
for work and Mom needed help.  So I became her self-appointed "Little
Cleaner."  Keeping order became very important to me.

"To this day, I'm still that way," Leslie continues.

"I get anxious when the apartment is a mess.  There are times when I find
myself ignoring Eric to clean up.  That upsets me but the weird thing is, I
can't stop myself.  Sometimes when I think about it, I blame my mother.  But
I know it's not that simple.  I'm beginning to see that you can't win as a
mother."

Part of growing up is understanding that parents are not perfect.  By the
time you are a mother yourself you probably have accepted this fact of life.
But for a new mother, the past becomes amplified.  In the quiet and dark of a
2:00 a.  m.  feeding, half-awake and half-asleep, a new mother can be
transported to a sense of herself when she was a child, even to a time before
words.  In her more wakeful hours, without fully realizing why, the new
mother may see her own mother through childlike eyes, wanting again to be
perfectly loved.

Over the course of the first year of new motherhood, there may be a natural
unfolding of your new identity.  But you may also begin to feel stuck in
patterns that you don't like.  Or you may feel somewhat alienated from
yourself or from your baby or from your husband without knowing why.  This is
when the journey back to your own mother is vitally important.  There is no
single recipe for motherhood but there is a lot to be said for a healthy dose
of self-awareness.

When she was a child Jessica didn't get as much loving attention as she
wanted from her mother.  From a very young age Leslie felt the need for more
order in her home.

The Legacy of Your Own Mother < <7-> 195 Now as mothers themselves, Jessica
and Leslie can identify more with their own mothers they each have
experienced the challenges of motherhood.  This personal experience has
softened their criticisms of their own mothers.  But it has also made them
particularly sensitive to their own childhood hurts.

Most adults try to ignore and even to deny their child- like emotions.

But as a new mother, it can be helpful to explore and understand these very
significant feelings.  At this point, we ask each group member to think about
what makes a perfect mother, based on what she had, or wished she had had.
According to this group the perfect mother: is nurturing, caring, and loving
during each stage of her child's development is involved in a loving,
supportive relationship with her partner does not try to control her child or
make her the sole focus of her life maintains active interests outside the
home, but never at the expense of her child's needs does not try to fulfill
her own unresolved needs through her child encourages independence in her
child but can accept inevitable regressions consistently knows her child,
listens, is fair and respectful gives her child the freedom to unfold as he
or she naturally will; accepts and loves her child for who 194 ^-' -A
MOTHER'S CIRCLE

she or he is and applauds her child's unique abilities and gifts knows how to
set fair and appropriate limits has never had a problem with drugs, alcohol,
or depression; is never abusive provides unconditional love Quickly the point
is made.  It may be childlike to expect parents to be perfect, but it is
human nature to yearn to be perfectly loved.

Every woman carries with her an image of the perfect mother.  But there is no
such thing.  No one is infallible.  Including your mother.

Including you.

t-^ BLUEPRINTS AND ROLE MODELS "\ don't know what my mother was like when I
was a baby.  No one really does, do they?"  Ronnie asks.

"But sometimes I'll hear myself talk or sing to Elyse and the sound of my
voice and my choice of words will be just like my mother's, from a long time
ago.  And then I get such a sense of her influence on me and realize that I
am that person for Elyse now.  I so much want to be a good mother for her
too."

There are an infinite number of ways to be a good mother.  Above all, a good
mother is loving and tries her best.  Caring for a baby is a uniquely
creative and passion- ate act.  But it is also an imperfect art in an
imperfect world.

"My mother and I are a lot alike," says Alicia.

"I realize The Legacy of Your Own Mother < -c^> 195 that more and more.  I
didn't try to be like her.  It's genes, I think."

Many women attribute their most fundamental character traits to their mothers
their sense of humor, their self- esteem, their sense of morality, their
ability to give and receive love, to listen and communicate, their desire to
strive for goals.  When these women become mothers themselves, the
comparisons become even more powerful.

Some women think they are destined to become blue- prints of their own
mothers, repeating patterns automatically; others feel compelled to reject
their mothers' choices outright; others hope to live up to their mothers'
examples Whether she is alive or not, a close confidante or a thorn in her
daughter's side, down the block or across the country, a woman's mother is
the template from which she creates herself as a mother.  From a very early
age, a young girl identifies closely with her mother and copies her behavior
and her mannerisms.

"My mother was always there for me," says Jane.

"I know she has her own feelings of inadequacy but she has always been loving
and supportive of me.  I admire how she has done things.  I think she is the
main reason I didn't go back to work.  My husband couldn't believe I wanted
to stay home.  It surprised me too because I've always loved my work.  But I
wanted to be that same kind of old fashioned mother for Justin that my mother
was for me."

"That makes me want to cry," says Alicia.

"The theme of my childhood was that Mom didn't have time for us.  She went
back to school when I was one.  Then she worked constantly.  When she became
successful, she traveled a lot for her work.  She still does.  She was at
some convention when Keith was born.  Typical."

Alicia pauses and then continues.

"But, I have to say 196 c^-."  , a MOTHER'S CIRCLE that I admire my mother
too.  She is one of the most intelligent, elegant women I know.  She has a
great deal of presence and strength.

She taught us and showed us that we could do anything we put our minds to.
My sister is a doctor.  My brother is a professor.  I'm a lawyer.  But I
always wanted to establish myself before having kids so I wouldn't be caught
low on the career ladder as a new mother.  "

"Instead of living it herself, I think my mother expected to live through her
children," says Marta.

"I know that was pretty typical for her generation.  Mothers were praised for
being self-sacrificing then.  She thought it was being totally giving, but
actually it was something of a burden.  Mom and Dad were both critical.  They
had very high expectations for us.  One of the things I want to be sure to
give Sarah is my unconditional love."

Like her mother, Jane wants to be consistently available to her son.

Like her mother, Alicia has chosen to juggle career and motherhood but
aspires to balance better than her mother did.  Marta, reacting against her
mother's style, wants to give her daughter unconditional, uncritical love.
All three women are using their perceptions of their own mothers as guides in
how, or how not, to raise their children and structure their lives.

Many of the choices you make will also reflect the changes in the times since
your mother's young adult- hood, including today's changed economic pressures
and opportunities for women in the workplace, the influence that feminism has
had on our culture, changing theories on child development and health, and
the greater awareness of the psychological process of growing up.  Mothering
style, however, transcends generational differences.  It is as unique as you
are.

The Legacy of Your Own Mother ^-^~a 197 Key to your mothering style are your
feelings about dependence and independence, permissiveness and control,
safety and danger, giving and withholding, intimacy and the expression of
feelings.  Each of these has its root in your own mother's personality, her
response to parenting and in her relationship with you.  Much of the way you
have developed as a woman comes from having watched her.  As a child, you
studied her intently and learned from her happiness and her sadness, from her
sense of satisfaction and regret, from her relationships with her husband and
children, from her place in the home and out in the world.

^-> VOICES FROM THE PAST

Many mothers say they remind themselves of their own mothers in the ways they
hold, rock, soothe, and talk to their babies.  Caring for your baby can
recall the tactile, sensory experience of your own babyhood.  Images, sounds,
even the smell of baby powder, can unleash pre- Obviously unavailable
memories, pictures, flashes of feelings, both sweet and painful.

New motherhood is a time of life when many women report feeling an intense
personal need for the nurturing power of their own mother.

Often these expectations are a source of disappointment.  If your mother
comes to visit you after your baby is born, for instance, you may hope that
she will mother you as well as help with your Newborn .

"Sometimes I think I have that fantasy mother," says Jane.

"My mother comes over a couple of times a week.  She watches Justin,
sometimes she'll straighten up, some198 <-^_ .A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

times she'll cook or go to the market.  She's great company I'm a little
embarrassed to admit this, but I don't think I could do it without her.  "

The women in the group are almost groaning with envy.  Ronnie speaks for
everyone when she asks,

"How come your mother can give so much of herself?  I mean, my mother helps
me once in a while, but she's busy with her own life too."

"My mother has always given of herself.  Maybe too much," Jane answers.

"But my mother is alone now.  My father died two years ago.

I've spent a lot more time with Mom since then.  And we live so close to each
other it makes it easy.  You know, I think my mother needs me as much as I
need her.  And Justin is so good for her spirits.  "

"You're lucky, Jane," says Jessica.

"My mother and I have always been close, too.  Like friends.  But now, just
when I could use a little extra help, she is spending less and less time with
me.  And Nell has been so hard.  There have been times when Nell was crying
and I was crying and all I wanted in the world was my mother."

"I know.  I know," says Elizabeth.

"And then I tell my- self,

"Grow up, Liz.  You are the mother now."

 "

" What do you mean?    " Maggie asks Elizabeth.

"Is your mother not around?"

"Yes.  No.  I mean, she lives in D.C./' says Elizabeth.  " She and my dad
both just retired.  They've moved into a condo and we were there visiting
this weekend.  I had been looking forward to it but now I wish we hadn't
gone.  I mean, I was stupid to expect anything different.  We're supposed to
go there for Christmas but now I'm totally rethinking our plans.  "

"What happened?"  Maggie asks.

"Oh, I don't know.  Nothing dramatic," Elizabeth anTher Legacy of Your Own
Mother < -c^> 199 swers.

"The same old stuff, really.  First it's her smoking.  It's hard to ask her
not to smoke in her own house.  But Lucy is my priority, so I did.  Her
response was T smoked when all of you were babies.  And I'm not going to stop
now."  I was horrified.  It seemed so mean to Lucy.

So from the moment we arrived I was on the defensive.

"Then at six o'clock Dad started making drinks.  Lucy was fussy and crying
and I wanted to get her bath going and to start getting her ready for bed.  I
was kind of harried and Dad said,

"Are you sure you don't want a beer?"  I could have used some help.  Not a
beer.  I went to give Lucy a bath.  I was glad to have an excuse to disappear.

Jonathan was trying to be social.  He had a drink with them and they were all
talking.  I could hear their conversation and I wondered if I had overreacted
or if I was getting my period or something.  After a while Mom came to find
me.  She was trying to be sweet but her voice was a little slurred and she
smelled of cigarettes; all I wanted to do was get back in the car and go home.

"Nighttime with my parents has always been hard.  They don't drink during the
day.  But the evening cocktail hour has been an institution in my family for
as long as I can remember.  It's not really an hour, though sometimes they'll
drink until they go to bed.  I remember a few times Dad passed out sitting
up.  And there were nights when my mother had to go to bed before dinner.  It
was never ugly.  They just kind of faded out."

"What did you do then?"  Nan asks leaning closer to Elizabeth.

"Who took care of you?"

"At the time I didn't think I needed to be taken care of.  But my younger
brother and sister did.  I was about ten when this was happening.  I'm the
oldest, so I was used to helping out with them.  At bedtime I read to them
20,0 <-^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

and tucked them in and listened for them during the night.  I was their
little mother.  It felt pretty normal to me.

"In fact, during the day it was normal.  It was as if nothing had happened
the night before, as if nothing was wrong.  Mom was herself again.  And in
many ways she was a great mother.  She adored us.  She could be loving and
fun.  I was devoted to her.  But I came to be afraid of nighttime.  It was
all such a mixture of good and bad.  I was always doubting my own
perceptions.  I think I still try to pretend their drinking is not as bad as
it is.  But that old feeling is still there."

We ask Elizabeth if her feelings for her mother have changed since having
Lucy.

"Now that I see what it takes to be a mother, I can't believe that she drank
when we were little.  There was a time when I thought that it was good that I
could blame alcohol for my mother's behavior.  It was a great excuse: my
mother wasn't there for me because she was drinking, not because she didn't
love me.  Then, believe it or not, I fell in love with a man who had a
drinking problem.  This was before Jonathan.  It was a very destructive
relationship and I was in it for years.  He needed the help, but I was the
one who ended up in therapy.  And it was a good thing too that was my
salvation.  My therapist was great.  And the whole process of therapy was an
awakening for me.

"I still love my mother.  And I know my mother and father love me,"

says Elizabeth, her eyes filling with tears.  "Oh, God, I feel like such a
baby."

As Elizabeth experiences motherhood herself, she has come face-to-face with
scenes from her own childhood drama and with her parents' alcoholism.
Elizabeth is not alone.  In every group there are parallel stories.  If your
The Legacy of Your Own Mother <~^s 201 mother was consumed by alcohol, work,
depression, grief, or a protracted physical illness and was as a result
absent or negligent in some way, you may feel similarly conflicted In the
belief that she might repair the hurt of her own unmet needs, a new mother
may feel compelled to overcompensate with her baby, giving of herself even at
the expense of her marriage or of her own well-being.  But facing honestly
and seeing clearly the mother of her past, in all her own glory and pain, is
an important step toward assuming the role of mother fully.  If Elizabeth can
do this with the help of her partner and her baby, she may have more
reasonable and flexible expectations of herself as well.

It helps Elizabeth to realize she is not alone, that other mothers are
struggling as well, that their mothers were also a mixture of good and bad
and that there is no such thin gas the perfect mother.

The process of becoming a mother has in effect helped Elizabeth to see her
mother more clearly and in doing so to take important steps toward maturing
and separating and dedicating herself to her new family.

"I've been sad all over again too," says Nan about her mother, who died four
years before Emma's birth.

"It's hard not having my mother here for this," she continues, holding up
Emma with pride.

"It's like all my joy is lined with sadness.  I never dealt with my mother's
illness until Emma was born.

And until recently I thought I was handling it all pretty well.  But now it
is like a floodgate bursting.

"It's hard to know how much has to do with pure grief and how much has to do
with sleep deprivation," Nan continues.

"Emma keeps me up a lot at night.  And then 202 e-^.  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE when
she is finally asleep I find myself upset about my mother.  So I'm hardly
sleeping at all and my emotions are out of control.  I just wish I could talk
with my mom.  I miss her so much.  And I wish that she could have known Emma."

Nan rocks Emma, soothing herself as she soothes her baby.

"I know just what you mean," says Jane.

"Sometimes I don't know which is sadder that my father will never know
Justin, or that Justin will never know my father."

There is a great sadness when that link is lost as it takes with it part of a
family's history.  A lot of mothers have told us that one of their primary
motivations for having a baby at a young age was to ensure a relationship
between grandchild and grandparent.  Having had wonderful grandparents
themselves, many women wish to re-create their past in this way for their own
children.  And they wish to connect again with their own parents in this
joyful way.

Having lost a parent through death or divorce will greatly influence your
relationship with your child.  The birth of your baby may bring you joy but
may also bringa fresh sense of your loss.  You may find yourself mourning all
over again, crying over your baby's head.  Your mother's death may conjure up
fears of dying yourself, of leaving your baby without a mother.  Her absence
will most certainly increase your yearning for her companion- ship, help, and
nurturing.  Some of the women we have talked to about this have told us that,
with time, their baby becomes a bridge back to their own lost mother.  The
very journey of motherhood, one woman told us, helped her to find her own
mother again, to hear her voice again, to remember again.

The Legacy of Your Own Mother <~^a 205 ^^ your MOTHER AS GRANDMOTHER With
the birth of your baby there is a great shifting of the generations.  Just as
your transition to motherhood is a passage into a new life phase, so is your
mother's to grand motherhood After decades of being the mother, she must now
move over, make room for you and rethink her self-concept.

She will also have to rethink her name.  Your mother may choose a name to be
called as a grandmother.  But as likely your baby will one day invent the
name that sticks.  Part baby talk, part association, your mother's official
appellation may become MiMi, NaNa, Gee Gee Rummy, Nonna, Nonie, Nanny, Nanna,
Grummy, Mumsie, Vavoa, Fuggy, Grammy, Gramma Dot, or MaMa Ginny.  Eventually
you may call your own mother by her grandmother name.

"My mother says she doesn't want to be called any grandmother name.

She wants to be called by her first name.  But I think that's too strange,"
says Jessica.

"My older sister and I both had babies this year and I guess it's hard for
Mom to accept that she's a grandmother.  She's only forty-seven.  We've been
like sisters since I was a teenager.  In fact, everyone says we still look
like sisters."

Beinga grandmother can be one of the most life- affirming and joyous periods
in a woman's life.  But in this youth-loving culture, it can as well be a
difficult life phase.  Your mother may already be having a hard time accepting
that she is getting old.  She may be in the throes of menopause.  Or she may
have mixed feelings about her landmark sixty-fifth birthday.  She may simply
not like the way "Grandma" sounds.

"My mother doesn't have the energy for a baby," says 204 c-^- A MOTHER'S
CIRCLE Leslie.

"She said so herself.  I know she's getting old, but I don't understand why
she acts afraid of the baby."

By the time she becomes a grandmother, a woman may feel no desire to
undertake the nitty-gritty aspects of baby care again.  She may feel
liberated from those days, or she may feel out of practice, unsure of
herself.  Many women report their mothers saying

"I don't have the patience anymore," or

"This is exhausting.  I've forgotten how hard it is," or

"I like babies better when they're older."

A grandchild can stir up the past for the new grand- mother as she relives
old joys and feels again old regrets.  For some women a grandchild elicits
strong feelings of well-being, a sense of rebirth, new energy, and a fresh
focus for their love and affections.  Others experience a preoccupation with
mortality, a sadness and a longing for a time when they were young mothers
themselves.  No matter how they present themselves, almost all carry in- side
of them the full range of these emotions.

As a grandmother, a woman walks something of an emotional tightrope.

The new mother wants her own mother to be supportive and helpful but not
intrusive or domineering; older and wiser but not dependent or needy her-
self; doting on and loving toward the baby but respectful of the mother's
primary role and authority; happy to pass on family stories, recipes, and
traditions but not over- whelming in the role of family matriarch.  A
grandmother is supposed to be filled with joy at the sight of her grand-
child, ready to sacrifice.  But, just as the perfect mother is an impossibly
tall order to fill, so is that of the perfect grandmother.

"I'm the last of my siblings to have a baby," says Alicia.  "Keith is Mom's
fifth grandchild, so she's not exactly jumping up and down with excitement.
But I'll give her The Legacy of Your Own Mother <~^a 205 this she's much
more affectionate with her grandchildren than she was with her own children.
And she lavishes them with gifts."

"My mother is more focused on her own mother than on her grandaughter/' says
Marta.

"She's sweet with Sarah but Gram takes up all of her time.  She expects me to
help her with Gram, but between Sarah and my work, my hands are full.  It's
kind of a gyp for everyone.  But I think Sarah is the one who gets gypped the
most."

If you are in your late twenties or thirties, your baby may have come at a
time when your mother needs to help with the care of her own parents.  Or, if
you delayed motherhood until your late thirties or forties, your mother may
be becoming dependent or needy herself.  If this is the case, two powerful
life passages will overlap for you the aging and eventual loss of your
parents and your early parenting years.

If your mother lives close enough to be involved on a regular basis with you
and your baby, there will be more opportunities for a tangible sense of
sharing as your baby grows.  There will also be more chances for you to lock
horns.  A baby can trigger a grandmother's maternal instincts and she may be
unable to take a backstage role.

"My mother keeps telling me to relax," says Ronnie.  "She says I should not
try to impose a schedule on my baby, that Elyse will naturally eat and sleep
when she needs to.  She's not big on structure or discipline.  But I want to
give Elyse more limits and more guidance."

"You have to be careful with limits," says Marta.  "Guidance is one thing,
but limits can feel very control- ling.  My mother made me dress just so and
do my hair just so.  I had to do well in school and have the right friends.
It was as if who I was wasn't good enough for 206 '-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

her.  She wanted me to reflect her in the right way.  And the right way was
her way.  The way I was accepted was through obedience.  I'm afraid to be the
slightest bit con- trolling with Sarah.  I can just imagine how I might be.
You know,

"Go ahead step in the puddles!  Have dessert before dinner!  Mess up your
room!"  It'll be like my own little rebellion.

"My mother had lots of power over me," Marta goes on.

"And I became Little Miss Obedience.  To this day she uses money as a way to
control me.  She's very generous with it but expects a return.  I steam at
the idea of her doing that with Sarah.  I'd rather she came over and get to
know her, take her for a walk.  I want my daughter to value real connections,
not material ones.  I feel very competitive with her."

"I feel that way with my stepmother sometimes," says Maggie.

"She's always saying,

"I can't wait to get my hands on Jack."  And throughout my pregnancy she
would say,

"How's our baby?"  I can't begrudge her her grand- child.  But I don't want
to have to share Jack with her so much.  "

"You're lucky she says 'our,"

" says Jane.

"My mother says,

"How's my baby?"

" The group is surprised by Jane's comment and Jane holds up her hands,
saying,

"Yes, I know.  I know.  I've painted the perfect mother picture.  But I guess
there is some competition there, too.  My mother is so in love with Justin,
so attentive to every detail of his life.

It's like she's his mother, not mine.  "

Sharing your baby with your mother can bring you closer, but a lot depends on
how you feel about sharing with your mother to begin with.

Competitive feelings are an ever-present yet rarely acknowledged dynamic in
the The Legacy of Your Own Mother < c^a 207 relationship between mother and
daughter.  If your mother has always assumed a certain ownership of your
life, you may put up defenses when it comes to sharing your baby.  If she was
more removed as a mother, how- ever, you may want her involvement now more
than ever.

The choices you make about your baby's care and the course of your family's
life affect your mother.  She may marvel at your breast feeding or try to
undermine it.  She may disapprove of your working or wish she had been able
to do that herself.  She may become closely involved with you and the
grandchildren or she may not.  You may be baffled by your mother's behavior
at times.  It may be that your perspective as a daughter obscures the
complete and complicated woman your mother is.  Simultaneously, your mother
may be so accustomed to relating to you in a motherly way, that she is not in
the habit of explaining herself to you as a woman.

To widen our circle further, this time to include the experiences and
perspectives of some grandmothers, we got permission to and spoke directly
with the mothers of many of the women in this group.  We include here the
personal stories of Jane and Alicia's mothers.  In their own words each
describes how it was when she was a mother of small children and how it feels
to be a grandmother.

fane's Mother "Beinga grandmother doesn't make me feel old.  It makes me feel
enriched.  It is one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  I have
three granchildren.  Two beautiful granddaughters and my new grandson,
Justin.  I cannot express the warmth and joy I feel in my heart for them.

208 <-^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

"\ didn't work outside of the home when I was raising my children.  It wasn't
something that most women I knew did.  It wasn't something I even considered.
I still feel that staying home was the right thing to do.  I am only sorry
that I did not pursue a career after my children were grown.  Even though I
have never worked outside the home, I raised my daughter to be independent
and career-oriented and she is.

"My husband was away most of the time working.  He wasn't even home at
dinnertime.  The raising of our children was completely left to me.

My daughter was an amazing part of my growing up as a young mother.  I was
very young twenty years old when she was born and I had very little sense of
myself.  My daughter became the most important person in my life.  We bonded
from the beginning.  And we've always needed each other in- tensely.  In some
ways she took care of me.

"Now I can see that perhaps that was a burden on Jane.  It was always very
hard for her to leave me to go to school.  She would cry and cry.

At the time I didn't have any insight into the psychology of things, but I
guess I didn't want her to leave me either.  It was a very powerful
relationship.

"Even though she is a grown woman with her own family, I think I'll always
feel like

"Jane's Mother."  It is a great part of my identity.

I have a life that is separate from that role and which centers around who I
am today.  But I am still very much her mom, too.

"I don't want my grandchildren to become my entire life but they are
undoubtedly a wonderful part of it.  They love me and I love them and it's an
unbelievably good feeling.  Sometimes I want my grandchildren to love me more
than anyone else and then I realize that the most The Legacy of Your Own
Mother c^s 209 important people in their lives are their mother and father
and that is the way it should be.  But it's wonderful just to know they love
me very much and think I'm an important influence in their lives.

"The advice I would give to a new mother is: Have a sense of humor.

Keep your expectations in perspective.  Give a lot of love and support.  And
try to detach a little bit so that your children can grow and so you are not
so intensely affected by everything that happens.  And it does all happen.
The best part about motherhood for me was watching my babies grow, creating
and nurturing them, feeling so much love and getting love in return.
Experiencing life with a child, through a child, is an amazing process.  "

Alicia's Mother "I feel enthusiastic to be a grandmother.  It's a
rejuvenating experience.  I wish my children had had children sooner.  I feel
warmly toward my grandchildren.  They are charming and I'm glad to spend time
with them when I can.  But I have to admit, sometimes I get a little bored.

"I started working when I was a young mother.  I liked the balance between my
children and my career.  I thought I juggled pretty well.

We had a nanny.  My husband was not interested in infants but he was a help
with the diapers and the bottles.  And when the children were older he read
to them and was more involved.

"I always wanted to work, but I was also very fond of my children.

The painful thing for me was that there was a strong social pressure against
mothers who worked.  This was the 1960s remember.  I was regularly chewed out
210 <-^- -A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

by my neighbors for not being part of the car pools and parents' associations.

"I wanted my daughters to learn to work.  I think it is important for a woman
to realize herself.  I did neglect some things as a mother.

But I did give my children the idea that work is rewarding and that
independence is important.

"That feeling of be inga mother never goes away.  I still can't stand to see
a movie in which children suffer.  But motherhood is not my only identity.  I
take my work very seriously.

"It is hard when Alicia doesn't listen to me and when I realize I am not her
authority regarding child care.  She always has to check in with the
pediatrician first if she has questions.  I think not learning from their
parents' experience is a peculiarly American custom.  Each generation thinks
their way is better.  I have learned over the years that I can't do very much
about the choices my children make.  They have to make their own mistakes and
learn from them.  And I have to let go.

"The hardest part about be inga grandmother for me is when a grandchild
resists what I want to teach.  I have one grandchild who refuses to greet
people.  Her mother doesn't insist on it either.  I have to keep my mouth
shut.  That doesn't come easily.

"The advice I would give to a young mother today would be: Don't worry so
much.  Trust in their natural growth process.  And don't worry so much when
babies cry.  As you become more experienced you will become more relaxed
about this, too.

"The best part of motherhood for me was the companionship with my children.
They were always teaching me things, bringing me home things, stretching me.
I had to The Legacy of Your Own Mother ^-c^a 211 keep growing.  It is a very
creative process to raise children All of us need to make something, to build
some- thing.  It is fascinating to help to shape personalities.  I also think
I would have become very selfish if I didn't have children.  They kept me
feeling young and involved."

^^ NEW CONNECTIONS, NEW BALANCES

The way you and your mother relate to one another has been changing and
shifting from the moment you were born.  There have also been dramatic
changes in our society's expectations of women's roles over the last thirty
years.  As such, motherhood may be the first truly common experience you
and your mother have shared.  Most new mothers gain insight into and empathy
for their mothers which they never had before.  Almost all report new ways to
relate with their mothers that hadn't before been possible.

"My mom was the traditional stay-at-home mother with three kids,"

says Leslie.

"I never appreciated what that took before.  Now, the idea boggles my mind.
I understand why our house was upside-down most of the time and I have new
sympathy and respect for my mother."

"My mother has surprised me," says Marta.

"Before I got Sarah, our relationship was so antagonistic.  She was jealous
of me for what I have done with my life.  She felt she didn't have permission
to do what I am doing.  With Sarah she suddenly has a respect for me that
she's never had before.  I don't think she expected me to be good at this."

"My mother and I talk on the phone all the time," says Ronnie.

"She's been a big help to me and always helps 210 ^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

by my neighbors for not being part of the car pools and parents' associations.

"\ wanted my daughters to learn to work.  I think it is important for a woman
to realize herself.  I did neglect some things as a mother.

But I did give my children the idea that work is rewarding and that
independence is important.

"That feeling of be inga mother never goes away.  I still can't stand to see
a movie in which children suffer.  But motherhood is not my only identity.  I
take my work very seriously.

"It is hard when Alicia doesn't listen to me and when I realize I am not her
authority regarding child care.  She always has to check in with the
pediatrician first if she has questions.  I think not learning from their
parents' experience is a peculiarly American custom.  Each generation thinks
their way is better.  I have learned over the years that I can't do very much
about the choices my children make.  They have to make their own mistakes and
learn from them.  And I have to let go.

"The hardest part about be inga grandmother for me is when a grandchild
resists what I want to teach.  I have one grandchild who refuses to greet
people.  Her mother doesn't insist on it either.  I have to keep my mouth
shut.  That doesn't come easily.

"The advice I would give to a young mother today would be: Don't worry so
much.  Trust in their natural growth process.  And don't worry so much when
babies cry.  As you become more experienced you will become more relaxed
about this, too.

"The best part of motherhood for me was the companionship with my children.
They were always teaching me things, bringing me home things, stretching me.
I had to The Legacy of Your Own Mother < -c^> 211 keep growing.  It is a
very creative process to raise children All of us need to make something, to
build some- thing.  It is fascinating to help to shape personalities.  I also
think I would have become very selfish if I didn't have children.  They kept
me feeling young and involved."

^^ NEW CONNECTIONS, NEW BALANCES

The way you and your mother relate to one another has been changing and
shifting from the moment you were born.  There have also been dramatic
changes in our society's expectations of women's roles over the last thirty
years.  As such, motherhood may be the first truly common experience you
and your mother have shared.  Most new mothers gain insight into and empathy
for their mothers which they never had before.  Almost all report new ways to
relate with their mothers that hadn't before been possible.

"My mom was the traditional stay-at-home mother with three kids,"

says Leslie.

"I never appreciated what that took before.  Now, the idea boggles my mind.
I understand why our house was upside-down most of the time and I have new
sympathy and respect for my mother."

"My mother has surprised me," says Marta.

"Before I got Sarah, our relationship was so antagonistic.  She was jealous
of me for what I have done with my life.  She felt she didn't have permission
to do what I am doing.  With Sarah she suddenly has a respect for me that
she's never had before.  I don't think she expected me to be good at this."

"My mother and I talk on the phone all the time," says Ronnie.

"She's been a big help to me and always helps 212 t^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE me
get perspective on things.  She's been the one that makes me feel less alone
in all of this, more than anyone except maybe this group.

It makes me happy to share motherhood with her.  "

When a woman has a baby, there is often a shift in the balance of power
between her and her mother.  Many new mothers talk about their relationship
with their mother in terms of

"Before" and

"After" the baby.  Motherhood can be an equalizing experience, putting both
women on common ground for the first time.

"I thought I would have to stand up to my mother," says Marta.

"But she hasn't tried to take over with Sarah or to tell me to do things her
way like I had expected.  We are more like equals now."

It may be as simple as your mother coming to where you live rather than you
always traveling to her.  Or, that you finally learn to ask her for help.  Or
that she finally feels comfortable giving it.  It may be a significant break-
through in a long-standing stalemate of emotions.  Or that you are
communicating for the first time in years.

"I had a very old-fashioned mother and I had a lot of problems with that as
an adolescent," says Leslie.

"But I have to say that now that I have my own child I can understand my
mother in ways that never occurred to me before.  And now that I know what it
takes, I'm in awe of how she got dinner on the table every night."

"I'm makinga video for my father's sixty-fifth birthday from our old home
movies," says Elizabeth.

"I haven't looked at this stuff for years.  It's amazing to see my mother as
a young woman with us as little kids.  She played with us and laughed and
hugged us.  There's one part that one of the kids must have taken cause it's
from this low angle of my parents kissing and play-fighting The Legacy of
Your Own Mother < c^i 215 together.  I cry every time I watch that reel.  It
is profound for me to see my mother so happy.  Especially when now I have all
these other feelings about what has transpired in the meantime."

"\ have felt a new sense of time passing," says Ronnie.  "\ was at my
parents' house this weekend and we set up Elyse's crib in my childhood
bedroom.  At night I was singing lullabies to her and looking around my old
room and I was flooded with memories.  It was a very beautiful, very poignant
feeling.  It was about wanting to teach things to my baby that my mother
taught me.  About wanting to stop time.  Elyse fell asleep in my arms and I
just watched her sleeping for about twenty minutes.  When I finally went
downstairs it was very comforting to see my own mother."

Maggie wells up with tears listening to Elizabeth's and Ronnie's stories.

"I know that things have been strained between me and my stepmother since
Jack's birth because I want my real mother so badly.

After Mom left I didn't see her for almost six years.  Since then we've seen
each other only for short visits.  It's always been complicated between us.
I can't help missing her and wanting her, but I still feel angry that she
left.  Now that Jack is here.  Mom and I are both trying to be together more
often.  We don't want to waste this chance to recover a little of what we
missed.  "

As you reach out to your mother, or she to you, you may feel that you've come
full circle.  Boundaries to closeness created when you were younger, which
may have once been vital to your identity, may not seem quite as important
anymore.  The very fleeting quality to your baby's infancy may inspire a
sense of urgency about making amends

214 <^>-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

Nan encourages the women in the group to seek out their mothers, telling them,

"You can't fully appreciate your mother until she's gone.  And then when she
is gone you realize there is no one else like her for you in the world."

If your mother is still alive, you will have the opportunity for a while to
be both child and parent.  Like a boat gently dipping and rising, you will
rock back and forth between be inga mother and be inga daughter, moving from
the past into the present and imagining into the future.

As a mother you experience life in a whole new way, with new eyes, through
the life of your infant and child.  Most adults cannot remember anything
about their in- fancy and their first few years of life.  Memories do not
connect us to that primal, dependent, amorphous state.  And so a first baby
can become a metaphor for a lost babyhood, as powerful as poetry,
transporting, evoking, and letting you imagine for the first time what it
means to be an infant child and what it truly means to take care of one.  New
mothers look with new respect to their own mothers, with new curiosity and
understanding and often with the desire to connect again.

^^ THE LEGACY OF YOUR MOTHER

Our group discussion on mothers is always a serious one, full of heartfelt
stories.  Emotions can range from the most universally cliched to the most
profoundly meaningful.  How you were mothered affects how you will be as a
mother.  And yet, how you will be as a mother is not set in stone.  You have
the potential to choose, to change, and The Legacy of Your Own Mother '--^va
215 to better understand yourself.  This may require that you struggle to
confront yourself and your past honestly.  But motherhood offers a rare
chance to readdress your child- hood.  The need to know your mother is also
the need to know yourself.  Her legacy will, in part, be handed down from you
to your own child.  That inheritance will be reflected in part by how your
child feels about herself, the world, relationships, and, ultimately, about
parenting.

Full Circle Attachment and Separation Two weeks have passed.  Chanukah and
Christmas have come and gone.  A new year has begun.  As the women fill the
room, talking together easily and casually, it is clear the group has a life
of its own.

This is our last session.  But the women have made plans to continue meeting
once a week on their own.

A baby's laugh rings out.  Leslie and Eric are engaged in a game of
peek-a-boo.  Leslie holds a baby blanket over her face, then lowers it,
saying,

"Peek-a-boo!"  Eric smiles with delight, his mouth opening in a wide 0.  Up
goes the blanket again and from behind it Leslie asks "Where's Ma Ma?"  Eric
stares at the blanket, his expression intent and expectant.  Down comes the
blanket.

"Peek-a-boo!"  says Leslie.

"Here I am!"  Eric laughs a gurgling, baby, belly laugh, thrilled by the
game, thrilling his mother.

Time-honored and universally loved, peek-a-boo is a game about separation and
attachment.  As the blanket goes up and down, like a theater curtain, Leslie
disappears and then, like magic, reappears.

By makinga game 216 Full Circle c-^ 217 of it, she is helping Eric learn to
let go of her for a minute, showing him that if she goes away, she will
always come back.

Eventually Eric will even initiate peek-a-boo himself.  He will hide behind
his bib, a book, a curtain, only to peek out, his eyes aglow, smiling too, as
if to say,

"You're back!  I'm back!  We're together again!"  In this way, he takes a
turn at controlling his mother's place in his world.

Attachment and separation are the elemental issues between parent and child.
Invisible, immeasurably powerful ties connect them.  At times these ties will
bind and pull; at times they will stretch, turn, and spin.  It is a dance
which lasts a lifetime.

You and your husband were probably deeply attached to your baby well before
he was even born.  During the course of pregnancy a mysterious, expectant
relationship is formed with the life growing within.

Parents-to-be often talk to their unborn baby, sing to him, "listen" to him
hiccup, feel him move.  Some even have a name for him.  Well before their
child is born, he seems to have an identity and a full, projected life of his
own.

Adoptive parents also experience a pre nascent attachment as they wait for
the news that a baby can be theirs.  They project hopes and fears on an
unknown child as they prepare a nest and a place in their hearts for his
homecoming.  Sometimes hopes are raised only to be dashed.  And yet, despite
the stress of waiting and not knowing, these candidates for parenthood remain
faith- fully attached to the idea of a baby in their arms.

Some adoptive parents worry about the separation the child has already
experienced.  Some focus on the initial meeting and wonder if they will
instantly love their adopted baby.  But attachment is not built on first
impresA MOTHER'S CIRCLE

sions and reactions.  Nor does it happen at the moment of birth, that
mythical bonding often described.  Rather, connections between a baby and his
parents are made in daily trickles and surges, as over time their
relationship widens and deepens.

^^ EARLY ATTACHMENT

As you play games, smile, cuddle, and flirt with your baby, you may be filled
with unparalleled feelings of love, protectiveness, awe, and pride.  You may
become aware of how merged with your baby you feel psychologically,
emotionally, and somehow even physically.  This merged attachment, this
romantic symbiosis of sorts, is exactly what your baby thrives on.  He needs
you to be in love with him, for you are his partner, mirror, interpreter,
nurturer, savior, mother-love.

It is on this base of secure dependence that a baby builds a sense of
himself, and eventually, a sense of independence.

"I'm in love with Elyse, but sometimes I wonder if she really needs me," says
Ronnie.

"I mean, she seems happy in anyone's arms."

In the early weeks and months of your baby's life, although he is undoubtedly
dependent on you, it may not be clear that your baby is attached specifically
to you.  In fact, most infants up to eight weeks appear relatively
indiscriminate.  They will let almost anybody hold them, change them, or give
them a bottle.  They look with inter- est at any engaging face.  They do not
give clear signs that they recognize their parents.  It's no wonder, then,
that a mother may catch herself thinking,

"Would any competent pair of hands do?"

Full Circle ^^, 219 Although there is much that is mundane and repetitive in
the care of a newborn, the job is far from custodial.  Less visible than a
brimming laundry basket and diaper pail at the end of the day are the myriad
connections that have taken place between mother and child.

During the course of one twelve-hour day, a new mother may kiss her baby more
than a hundred times, look into his eyes over three hundred times, stroke and
touch, cradle and pat him close to five hundred times, have dozens of
"conversations with him, and sin gas many songs or nursery rhymes.  This
loving connection is the treasure hidden in the groundwork of a baby's daily
care.  It is the most important goal and the most important accomplishment of
the first year.  Crucial to his emotional and cognitive development, it is
the foundation from which he will establish and enjoy meaningful
relationships.

Most new parents would be surprised to learn how reciprocal the attachment
process is and how complex and capable their infants are.

There is evidence that when a newborn is a few hours old, he recognizes and
gravitates toward his parents' voices and that he can use his sense of smell
to differentiate his mother from other women.

An infant's vision is far better than previously believed.  And a baby is
driven to get loving attention as surely as he is driven to be fed and to
sleep.

"Sometimes I worry," says Jessica.

"I mean, I bonded with Nellie right away.  But during all that colic, there
was a lot of unbending going on."

A colicky infant can be grueling to cope with, upsetting and stressful to his
parents.  When crying and discomfort far outweigh smiling and cuddling it can
be difficult to feel as though a loving relationship is developing.  But
colicky babies become attached just as other babies do.

220 <^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

And so do their parents.  In fact, caring for a needy, un- comfortable, or
sick infant can make a parent particularly sensitive and responsive to a
baby's needs and comfort levels.  As such, colic may shape part of the early
relation- ship, but it neither limits nor defines it.

^^ AS ATTACHMENT GROWS

Your newborn's dark, round, unblinking eyes draw you in as surely as a
lover's gaze.  His infant yawns and stretches, his quivering hands and
velvety skin invite admiration and touch.  His first baby smiles, given to
you and the world, ensure delight and attention.  And then, sometime after
his eighth week, his seduction act becomes focused on you alone.  You are the
one he wants.  You are the one that can soothe and settle him and make him
shine.  No one can match you or replace you.  By the time he is twelve weeks,
a baby will flaunt his mother-love.  When she comes into sight, he turns his
head in her direction, his eyes and expression brighten, he kicks, waves his
arms, makes sounds and smiles.  He has come to know that this someone
understands him and takes care of him.  Her arms feel right, her smell is
familiar and pleasurable, she knows the rhythms and pace of his days and
nights.

"When Justin was tiny he would stare at me so intently and with such devotion
I could do nothing but stare back," says Jane.

"Now he watches me wherever I go.  He tracks me like an umpire at a tennis
match.  His devotion is intense!"

"I know what you mean," says Alicia.

"I've never felt so special in anyone's eyes."

As you and your baby begin to interact in more obvious Full Circle v-^ 221
ways, a whole new range and layer of emotions comes into play for both of you.

^a EARLY STRANGER ANXIETY "Everywhere we go people fawn over Sarah and tell
me she's beautiful.

I get a vicarious thrill from it," says Marta.

Life with a tiny baby can give you a taste of what it might feel like to live
with a movie star.  Crowds of admirers press up against the nursery window to
get a glimpse of the newborn beauty.  Papparazzi's flashes track him.  Video
cameras roll around him.  Everywhere you go together, your baby takes the
spotlight.  Even strangers stop, stare, and gush

"How adorable!  How beautiful!"  Your baby can command an audience in the
elevator, enchant passengers on the bus, charm your friends as he moves from
one adoring fan to the next.  Everyone falls for him.  He steals every show.

Then, quite abruptly, the baby who delighted and entertained everybody, who
allowed anyone to hold him, is recoiling, clinging, and crying in alarm.
Someone has ad- mired him at too close range.

Someone has tried to get him to smile.  Someone has wanted to hold him.

"Emma is only thirteen weeks old," says Nan.

"But she's definitely clinging to me and crying when people want to hold her.
According to the books, stranger anxiety doesn't happen until much later."

The classically documented phase of separation anxiety arrives when a baby is
between seven and nine months.  Frequently, however, there is an earlier
episode when a baby is three to four months old.  It is just at this age when
your baby is beginning to know you are more 222 <^^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

important than anyone or anything in the world.  As this concept of special
mother-ness gels for him, he becomes increasingly aware of the different-ness
of others.

At this stage, a baby's definition of different-ness can become all
inclusive.  Anyone who is not you qualifies as "stranger" : a friendly
neighbor, a regular baby-sitter, a beloved grandmother.  He will accept no
substitutes.  His dawning sense of "mother" may even temporarily eclipse a
father's role.

"It's hard for me to be away from Lucy at all these days," says Elizabeth.

"She needs me.  I'm the only one who can comfort her when she's upset.  It
makes Jonathan feel pretty useless.  He says,

"OK.

She's in a Mommy- stage.  " But I can see it hurts him."

If you have never seen a baby experiencing stranger anxiety, it can be truly
upsetting to witness this in your own baby.  As his timidity escalates into
fear, alarm, and panic, you will wonder what happened to him.  Has he been
hurt?  Bitten?  Stung?  Is he sick?  Has someone frightened him when you
weren't there?  In an attempt to protect your baby, you may decide to limit
his contact with the outside world.

"Going to the market has become an ordeal," says Maggie.

"Jack is a magnet for strangers, and when they come up close to him, he
screams bloody murder.  I want to make a sign that says don't touch!"

"When Emma screeched at her grandfather he was so embarrassed.  And hurt,"
says Nan.

"He tried to make light of it and said,

"Oh, a Mama's girl."  But it was so uncomfortable.  I didn't know what to
say.  "

To be rejected by a baby's screams of protest and fear is awkward for anyone
and most adults will be embarrassed.  It may appear as if that affectionate
fan has done Full Circle ^-^ 225 something awful Or that the baby doesn't
like him.  Some people take it personally.  Many become defensive and even
critical of the baby's dependence on his mother.  It's not easy to have your
baby reject someone.  Especially if that person is close to you.  As the
gracious, adored movie star, your baby made you proud.  But as the strident
protestor, he may make you feel uneasy and uncomfortable yourself.

When your baby is fearful, he needs your sensitive, understanding support
more than ever.  Instead of encouraging him to be sociable with others, focus
on him yourself.  Hold him close to you and quietly tell him it's alright.
He needs your physical touch and your reassurance.  Though his fear of
"strangers" and of separation may be exaggerated and illogical, it is real to
him.

Even adults have irrational fears, and new parents in particular.

They may fear losing their spouses or their babies or both.  They describe
terrible dreams of forgetting, misplacing, or abandoning their babies.  Many
report have- ing random, morbid thoughts of calamity or abduction.  These
exaggerated and illogical adult fears may reflect an illogical world, but
they also speak to the intense attachment a parent feels for his or her child
and family.

An adult can talk about his fears, understand and man- age them.  But a baby
can do little with his fears except cry and cling.  So, respect your baby's
fears and treat him with tender reassurance.  Let him cling.  Take him gently
away from whomever he perceives as the offender.  Hold him, rock him, sing to
him, calm him.  If he's in his stroller, bend down or kneel by his side,
close to his eye level.

Talk to him in gentle, even tones.  Tell him that you are there, that he is
safe, and that the world is friendly.  Don't whisk him away and "save" him.
Intense reactions like 224 <^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

these may reinforce or even refuel his distress.  Calmly take him back from
"the other's" arms for an extra dose of you until he feels secure again.  He
will slowly feel more confident and social, but he may need to remain close
to you for some time.

"When Jack and I go to visit my family," says Maggie, "the door opens and
it's WHOOSH!  everyone rushes him.  They push in to see who can get closer.
Each one talks louder than the next to see who can get a reaction.  They are
all smiling and making faces and poking him.  It's no wonder he starts to
cry."

It can help everyone involved if you pave the way for your baby with some
advance preparation.  Tell your family or visitors that your baby needs extra
time and space to warm up.  That he is in a "Mommy-stage."  This can
encourage people to respect your baby's feelings and participate on his level.

No matter when it hits, stranger and separation anxiety in its heightened
form can last one to two months or more.  During this time it can be trying
to have your baby continually clinging to your neck, needing you like a life
jacket, but it's important to remain your baby's ally.  Don't try to convince
him there's nothing to be afraid of or try to prove that he'll be alright in
someone else's arms.

"Eric is six months," says Leslie.

"He's never had a problem with anyone.  What does it mean if he doesn't have
stranger anxiety?  Does it mean he's not attached enough to me?"

The quality of a baby's attachment to his mother cannot be gauged by the
existence or intensity of his separation protest.  His attachment does not
depend simply on whether you are with him full-time or work outside of the
home.  Stranger anxiety does not depend on whether Full Circle ^-^ 225 your
baby has had a full and active social life or has led a quiet, protected
existence to date.  Nor is stranger anxiety a measure of how well- or
maladjusted a baby is.  Recent evidence has shown that some babies are
tempera- mentally shy, predisposed to separation anxiety.  And there are
those babies whose personalities predispose them to respond to separation in
a mild way.  Aware of the other-ness of "strangers," these babies somehow
ride out any misgivings they may have.  Some babies respond with fatigue,
retreating into grogginess or sleep.  And some will show a more active
interest and curiosity in novelty, exhibiting little anxiety throughout the
first year.

Regardless of how it manifests itself, your baby's separation reaction is not
something you can control or even avoid.  But you can help your baby to get
through it.  Re- member that it is a normal, and passing, stage of growing up.

^-^ CLASSIC SEPARATION ANXIETY

While a smaller percentage of babies exhibit stranger anxiety during their
third or fourth month, most babies will experience some separation anxiety
during their seventh, eighth, or ninth month.  It is no coincidence that this
is when babies are beginning to crawl.

For the first time a baby can explore at will.  While he may have free range
of only a kitchen or living room, it is an exciting, and at times
frightening, big world.  A baby may be able to crawl away from his mother,
but he is not always sure what distance feels safe and tolerable.

As he explores the world, you are the star by which your baby navigates.  He
will determine your exact location before 226 <-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

takinga turn here, a crawling step there.  Your baby may crawl away, look
around, and then scurry back to touch your knee or give you a toy or piece of
lint, a symbolic connector, and go off again.

Sometimes a baby will crawl confidently across the room and then suddenly
freeze and dissolve into tears.  It is as if he has crossed an emotional
boundary line into uncharted waters.  He feels stranded, at sea, un moored He
needs his mother to rescue him.

Mothers may feel frustrated and trapped during this phase.  They cannot shift
their focus to the mail or a tele- phone call without hearing about it.  They
cannot hand off the baby to a trusted other with ease as was possible be-
fore.  They cannot leave the house without heartwrenching scenes.  They
cannot even go to the bathroom without wails of protest.

"I never expected it, but Justin's having some stranger anxiety with my
mother," says Jane.

"The other day when she arrived, Justin started to cry.  Mom went to comfort
him but he cried until I took him in my arms.  My mother and I were both
surprised.  Justin's always been so comfortable with her, so connected.  I
think Mom was a little miffed.  I was trying to make her feel better and
trying not to show how pleased I felt that Justin wanted me."

Separation anxiety requires two people.  Both parent and child participate as
they each step around the amount of closeness and separateness that feels
right.  When a baby clings to his mother and won't go to anybody else, some
mothers, like Jane, feel favored and confirmed, secretly thinking,

"That's my boy."  Others look for the trap- door and think,

"Whoa!  I can't be at my baby's beck and call like this.  I want him to be
more independent."  Most mothers experience some degree of both of these
opposing reactions.

Full Circle ^-^ 227 "Recently Sarah has been happy to be by herself in her
crib for an hour in the mornings," says Marta.

"I hear her cooing and gabbing away At first I loved that she's so content by
herself but then I began to worry that she's not calling out for me, that she
doesn't need me.  I wonder if it has to do with losing her birth mother."

Adoptive parents struggle with whether to attribute clinginess or aloofness
to the early separation their child has had.  Adopted children will be
sensitive to issues regarding separation and attachment their whole lives.
But in this case, confident on her own, Sarah seems to be adapting well.
Many babies practice and play with sounds when they first wake up in the
morning.  Alone and alert, they will babble and gurgle contently for long
stretches.  Some mothers count their blessings that their babies are content
for some time on their own at an early age.  Be- cause of her work schedule,
however, Marta has limited time with Sarah and misses their treasured morning
hour together.  In the balance of this equation, time for mother and baby
together comes first and-we encourage Marta to go to her daughter when she
hears that she is awake.

^^ SAYING GOOD-BYE

During the months when your baby is particularly sensitive to your
leave-takings, allow extra time for slower transitions.  Ask your baby-sitter
to arrive thirty minutes earlier than usual and to spend that time with you
and the baby.  Tell your baby that you will be leaving and when the time
comes, involve him in the good-byes.

If your baby is happily involved with his baby-sitter, you may think it is in
his best interests to sneak out the 228 ^- A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

door unnoticed.  But this is a short-term solution.  When your baby realizes
that you are gone, he may become unable to relax, he may become distracted
and unable to connect with the baby-sitter or fully engage in play.  He may
feel that he must be on the lookout for you.

He may feel that unless he is vigilant, you disappear.  By involving your
baby in the process of saying good-bye, by taking extra time with saying
good-bye, you communicate that you can tolerate the unease of separation and
that he can too.  This, in itself, can be a reassuring message to a child.
Your baby's repeated experiences with your leave-takings builds his sense of
trust that you will not suddenly disappear and that you will always come home.

Use language to prepare your baby about your comings and goings.  Say
good-bye with confidence.  Reassure your baby that you will be back and that
all is well.  The first few times, waving "bye-bye" may not seem to help.
Your baby may give you a quizzical look, then wail and strain to get out of
the sitter's arms.  But eventually this ritual will serve its purpose.
Waving good-bye becomes some- thing your baby can do to participate in what
would otherwise be the passive experience of being left.  He has played a
part in your leaving.  After you are gone, he may need some extra holding,
and it's important that the sitter provide this.  What you do not see after
you have shut the door is that, after a good-bye routine, your baby will
eventually shift his attention to his care giver and is then free to reengage
in play.

^-^ AND GOODNIGHT

Your child may experience nighttime as a difficult separation.  And most
sleep disturbances for babies six to twelve Full Circle ^-^ 229 months have
some element of separation anxiety to them.  Allow for some extra holding and
extra time together at bedtime.  Separation anxiety need not change your
goals for your baby's sleeping patterns but you need to be sensitive to his
heightened vulnerabilities during this stage.  You might begin the bedtime
routine a little earlier so that it can last a little longer.  Many mothers
say they check in more frequently than they normally would.  Also, make sure
your baby's favorite blanket or stuffed animal is close at hand.  If he does
not have a treasured other, you can actively encourage him to adopt one.
Choose something soft and cuddly.  Hold it close to him during nursing or
bottle feeding.  Put it in the crib with your baby.

Say good- night to it too.  You can't force this attachment, but many babies
quickly respond to this kind of encouragement.

During separation anxiety it can be easier for a baby to let go of his father
than his mother.  If your baby is en- gaged in a nightly separation struggle
with you, it can be a good time for the father to be more involved at
bedtime.  We often advise fathers to take over the bedtime routine and
check-ins.  While a baby loves his father, he may be less ambivalent about
letting go.  This can be a relief to both mother and baby.

^^> SEPARATED ATTACHMENT

"I find myself both craving and fearing time alone, just for me,"

says Maggie.

"I'm desperate for a break, but I can't make myself take one.  Occasionally
I'll tell Tom, /!  just need to get out for a walk by myself."  He'll say,

"Go!"  So I do.  At first it feels great.  I feel free.  But if I don't have
an errand to accomplish or a distraction, I walk 250 ^-^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

around feeling aimless and scattered, not myself, not whole.  I used to love
my time by myself just to wander and browse, but I don't know how to be alone
anymore.  "

It makes sense that as a new mother you may not be able to enjoy formerly
treasured pastimes and that, when out on your own, your mind circles back to
your baby.  You may not feel the exhilaration you anticipated at your
freedom.  Unencumbered, you may feel naked.  But, as you go out more
regularly, you will become accustomed to that strange and strained feeling of
separated attachment.

"I leave and I can't wait to get home," says Alicia.

"It's like when I finally get him to sleep.  At first I say,

"Ahhh' and then I feel sad.  I miss him.  I can't wait for him to wake up.
When I do go out I know he's in good hands.  But that doesn't seem to make a
difference."

"I've started going to the gym twice a week," says Leslie.

"I was worried about leaving Eric.  But I also wanted him to get used to it.

It was hard at first, but if he has his blanket and his pacifier, he does
fine.  And if I have a specific plan, like exercise, it's great to have a
little time to myself.  "

Leslie's example illustrates how important it is for a mother to take time
away from her baby to refuel and care for herself.  Ultimately this time
apart can help a mother be more available to her baby.

There are examples, however, of parents who spend too much time separated
from their babies.

^^ TOO MUCH SEPARATION

The question of how much time apart from your baby is possible without
sacrificing that crucial attachment and Full Circle ^^ 231 important
closeness is a difficult one.  Contemporary life for many families demands
that both parents pursue their jobs full-time and thus are faced with this
question daily.  In our work at the Soho Parenting Center we have known many
families that fit this profile and we have heard about a variety of parental
juggling acts.  We have known parents who have worked hard to ensure time
with their babies despite the demands of their careers.  They have created
new balances, they have new priorities and have made significant shifts in
their work and social lifestyle in order to be with their babies.  Many
husband-wife teams have shared in the daily care of their babies in
unprecedented ways.  We have also known parents swept up in the quest of the
modern myth to "have it all," who do not seem able to carve out time to be
with their babies.  Dedicated to their professions or consumed with their
jobs, these parents leave home early, come home late, travel for work, spend
weekends exhausted or otherwise engaged, and depend on child care to hold the
pieces together at home.  Babies can tolerate this kind of absence
temporarily and can even thrive with other sensitive care givers but over
time a baby's primary attachment to his parents will suffer from too much
separation.

During the first years especially, a child's needs for time with his parents
are significant.  It is important that parents not underestimate their
primary role in the lives of their babies and children and that they
recognize the impact of their decisions about time spent with and away from
their children.

^^ TRANSITIONAL OBJECTS

Just at the stage when a baby may find it achingly difficult to separate from
his mother, he acquires the ability to 252 <-^-' A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

adopt something to help him.  Typically he chooses some- thing soft, cuddly,
or satiny, like a stuffed animal or baby blanket.  Most commonly he prefers
it unwashed, potent with the smells of having been slept with, sucked on, and
held tight.  Whatever the chosen object be it a blanket, a stuffed animal, a
pillow, or a little piece of material it be- comes animated with life and
love.  The child becomes so attached to it that everyone in his world knows
it by name, and asks after Blankie, Snuggly, Amma, Tink, Nigh-Nigh,
Noing-Noing, Raggy, Binky, or Tee-Tee.  Over half of all boys and girls adopt
a transitional object sometime in their first two years.

About half of these do so before they are one.  Many babies soothe themselves
at an earlier age by sucking their thumb or a pacifier.

But at this later age, self- soothing takes on a different, more intense,
meaning.

If your child has adopted a transitional object, he will develop a ritualized
pattern of self-comforting with it.  This usually includes some form of
sucking or movement, something soft to hold or stroke, something which mimics
being soothed by you.  In this way, he associates his special object with the
way you feed him, rock him, and hold him close to you.  He imbues his
treasured other with nothing less than "mother-ness," and her magical powers
to soothe.  It becomes his comfort fetish.  Even as a confident preschooler,
his transitional object allows him to be comforted like a baby, soothed and
patted as he was once.

A Blanket, a Seal, a Bear, and a Bunny Parents have been known to turn their
houses upside down looking for a misplaced Miney; to retrace miles looking
for a lost Raggy or Tinks; to keep doubles of treasured Ammas.  Baby-sitters
are introduced to Di-Dis and Full Circle <-<^ 233 instructed about their
revered place in the child's heart.  A baby shows his passionate devotion to
his blanket every day.  He will throw himself onto it, wrap himself up in it,
suck it, hug it, and sleep with it.  As a baby becomes a toddler and a
preschooler, the relationship continues.  Even shredded and threadbare, the
beloved object retains its power to soothe and comfort.  Parents know the
importance and power of their child's transitional object but to best
describe the passionate devotion a child feels for his beloved other, as well
as the various transitional roles it can serve, we interviewed some young
children.

A four-year-old girl who is enamored of her blanket described what it means
to her in this way.  "\ love Tee- Tee because it's tickly," she says,
pointing to the delicate fringe which she trails across her cheek.

"I can use it to tickle me instead of my mother tickling me.

Tee-Tee was new when I was a baby.  She has the same birthday as me.  "

A five-year-old boy recalls the loss of his beloved stuffed animal seal.

"Once we lost Sealy and I cried so much.  My dad walked back all of our steps
but he couldn't find him.  At nap time I didn't want to sleep with anything
else, so I couldn't go to sleep.  At the end of the day my dad came home hold
inga big bag.  It was a seal that looked exactly like Sealy but it was newer.
I am still sad about losing the old Sealy, but I love this one as much as
the other one."

A seven-year-old girl describes her feelings about the formerly pink, now
gray, teddy bear she proudly displays.  "I love Teddy.  I love him as much as
I love my mom and my dad and my sister.  I got him when I was born.  I know
that he is not alive, but I feel like he is.  I still talk to him.  If I drop
him, I say I'm sorry.  I don't do that with my 234 ^^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

other stuffed animals.  It is strange.  Sometimes when I get hurt, my little
sister runs and gets Teddy for me.  Teddy makes me feel better.

He's always there for me when I'm upset.  It's like having a second mom or
dad.  "

Many adults fondly remember their treasured stuffed animals and blankets.
Some still have them.  A woman in her late twenties describes the enduring
power of her long-ago feelings for a beloved, stuffed animal rabbit.

"The thing I remember best about Bunny was its color.  It was a peachy pink
and the ears were lined with satin.  Really soft satin.  I would hold those
ears up next to my face, suck my thumb, and go into La-La land.  Eventually
the satin wore off but I still loved it.  As I got older I remember becoming
aware that I had to stop sucking my thumb and I had to separate from Bunny.
I remember Bunny becoming less magical, less alive.  It's like when you begin
to know there is no Santa Claus.  The feelings were still all there but it
wasn't the same.  I could never put that rabbit away, though.  I even took it
with me to college.  I think my mother got a kick out of that."

Tee-Tee, Sealy, Teddy, and Bunny are testaments to a child's imagination,
passion, and drive toward independence.  With mother held close in their
hearts and minds, a blanket or bear held close in their arms, all is well
with the world.

This is our last session, the end of this group as we have known it.  In the
process of concluding, each woman takes a last turn at reflecting on issues
of attachment and separation and how they affect her.

"I think I need a transitional object," Maggie says.  The women laugh but
Maggie insists,

"No, really.  I need something to hold on to because I can't seem to put
Full Circle '-^ 255 Jack down.  People comment all the time that he seems
attached to me.

And they mean physically attached.  The thing is I worry that something bad
will happen to him if I'm not holding him.  I know this is my weak spot now
and that I'm putting my own fears onto Jack, but I have to constantly fight
that in myself.  "

Periodic feelings of heightened responsibility are not uncommon for new
parents.  Newly aware of the preciousness of life, they are also acutely
conscious of its precariousness.  You may find yourself checking to see if
your baby is breathing while he sleeps.  Or double and triple-checking his
car seat.  But if you cannot let him out of your sight or arms for a moment,
and never feel comfortable otherwise, something other than responsibility is
lurking in the wings of your imagination.  If you have worries that seem
unreasonable to your logical mind but that carry weight emotionally, if you
feel compelled to act on your emotions rather than choose to, read this as a
flag marking your hot spots, or as Maggie terms them, your "weak spots."

"My weak spot is that I'm too bonded with Emma," says Nan.

"Rick tells me that all the time.  In some ways he's right.  But it's hard to
draw the line between what is the right amount of love and what is too much.
When Rick accuses me of being too intense with Emma, I get defensive.  He'll
never have the same preoccupation with her that I do, so how can he
understand?  I know for me it has to do with my mother's death.  Sometimes I
can't look at Emma without thinking about my mother.  It'seas- ier for me to
talk about all of this in here than with Rick.  I don't feel as defensive.
But I know letting go is going to be one of those things I have to work on
all the time now that I am a mother."

256 '^-5 A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

"When I was a kid I only got unqualified, loving attention when I was sick or
very sad," says Marta.

"I think some of my happiest times were when I was home from school on a sick
day.  I remember my mother indulging me and it felt wonderful.  What could be
wrong with totally loving your child?  My instinct as a mother is to give
Sarah all my attention and love all the time that I have her."

"I guess what makes the difference is how the mother feels about all of this
separation stuff," Leslie comments.  "I've been considering going out of town
to a workshop for two days and one night.  My mother says,

"How can you leave your husband and baby?"  It makes her more uncomfortable
than it does me.  I've always been able to leave easily.

None of my brothers or sisters wanted to go away to college.  But I did.  And
I was the only one that left my hometown.  When I go away from my husband or
from the baby I always want to come back, and I wouldn't want to stay away
for very long.  But I think being apart can be a good thing.  "

"Time is going by so quickly," says Ronnie.

"I know I should really be focusing on how great it is that Elyse is growing
up.  But the truth is I want her to stay little for- ever.  In the hospital
Elyse slept with me in my arms.  That was the most wonderful feeling in the
world.  I'll never forget it.  And nursing.  Well, you know how I feel about
nursing.  These are the things I don't want to end."

"I don't want this group to end," Jessica blurts out.  "I've become so
attached to it.  It's been great for me.  Now that Nell's colic is over I
know I can manage on my own, but I think I'd be having separation anxiety if
we weren't going to be getting together again.  I hate good-byes."

"I remember when my sister's child learned to wave Full Circle ^-^ 257
good-bye," Alicia says.

"I was baby-sitting for her.  My sister and her husband went out and I was
holding their baby and we were waving good-bye.  The baby was waying her
little hand and it was so cute and then my sister burst into tears.  It
seemed ridiculous to me at the time.  I didn't get it.  Now I get it."

Alicia pauses for a moment, then resumes.  "\ just flashed on the good-bye
scenes we used to have when my parents left on their European travels.  We
weren't allowed to be sad.  Mother and Father gave us these little lectures
about self-reliance and being grown up.

I remem- her biting my tongue so I wouldn't cry.  I like the feeling of
strength and independence that I got from them, but I want to be more there
for Keith, more sensitive to how he is feeling.  "

"I wanted to tell you that Christmas ended up going much better than I had
expected," says Elizabeth.

"I had been so wound up about it, remember?  I didn't want to repeat the
scene I had last time we visited my parents in D.C.  But I also couldn't
imagine Christmas without them.  So Jonathan and I had everyone to our place
for Christmas.  And it was much better on our turf.  Everyone was well
behaved and I felt more like an adult than a child.  It was the best of all
worlds: my husband, my baby, my sister, and my parents, all in my house."

"Yeah," says Jane.

"I've always felt safest in my own house.  I was eleven the first time I
spent the night at a friend's.  She lived in the same apartment building as I
did, and from her window I could see across the courtyard into my apartment.
I remember staring into my windows and crying.  I've always thought of myself
as such a Mama's girl.  I had to have my mother stay with me until I fell
asleep every night.  I think I cried every morn258 <^^ A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

ing before kindergarten.  But now I'm realizing it probably had as much to do
with my mother not wanting me to leave her as it did with me not wanting to
leave my mother.

"My parents didn't have the most wonderful relation- ship in the world," Jane
continues.

"So I became every- thing to my mother.  And she gave her all to me too.  She
was the Girl Scout leader and the school crossing guard and the class mother.
But I guess she just couldn't let go.  Even when I tried to be more
independent I always had this tugging feeling, pulling me back to her.  I
don't want Justin to be like I was.  I want him to have lots of friends.  To
feel secure.  To have adventures.  Even though it may sound to you like my
mother is as much in my life as ever, it feels more balanced now that I have
Justin.  I still need my mother and she still needs me, but I have my own
life now."

^^ FULL CIRCLE

The act of birth is a form of separation.  A mother pushes her baby out,
expels him.  The cord is cut.  For nine months, mother and child have lived
together and now they are separate beings.  But the act of birth is perhaps
easier than truly letting go of your own child.  As with attachment,
separation is a process that can last a lifetime.

It is neither linear nor logical, but moves forward and backward, marked with
regressions and phases of physical neediness, with bursts of self-confidence
and ventur- ings out.

One of the biggest challenges of parenting during the second half of the
first year is the need to shift between Full Circle ^-^ 259 giving to your
baby when he is clinging to you and letting him move away from you when he is
learning to crawl and walk.  Sometimes you will feel much more comfortable
with his need to be with you and less tolerant of his desire to be out in the
world.  Other times you will love your baby's independence and feel provoked
by his neediness.

The processes of attachment and separation are not distinct and independent
lines of development, but are jumbled up together, a welter of emotions.
Each is mixed up with the joys and fears of the other.  But for each tie you
let loose, a new one is formed.  A new way of loving, communicating, and
connecting.

"One day when my niece was about eleven months old, she clung to her mother's
legs all morning long chanting, " Mama, Mama," " says Alicia.

"She must have said it a hundred times.  Then, she took her first steps.  And
within days she was walking.  It was amazing to see."

A baby's growth during his first year is fast and furious.  Attachment spawns
separation, and his motivation for in- dependence is matched perhaps only by
his drive for love.  After weeks and weeks of practicing his walking, with
your back curved over his tiny shoulders, gripping tightly to your fingers,
he will one day unclasp his hold and take his first toddling steps.
Throughout his growing up he will have spurts and rushes of development like
these as well as tender moments of needy regression.

A mother's growth during her first year of motherhood is also fast and
furious.  Everything has changed for her.  And she must change too.

As your baby takes his first steps, you may clap and smile and reward him
with kisses while a part of you is saddened at the thought of him walking
away from you.  As your baby waves his hand 240 '^-?  A MOTHER'S CIRCLE

bye-bye to you, you may want to cry too.  But a part of you will always go
with him as he goes out into the world.

Life comes full circle as you take on the mantle of parenthood, as you see
yourself in your baby's shining eyes, as your own parents become graying
grandparents, as you dedicate yourself to your new family.  Each day of
parenthood you leave your childhood behind and em- brace it again in a new
way.  Your new attachments, responsibilities, and confidences carve your
life, shape it and build it.  Your baby is a new era, a new possibility, a
new you.