The P. I . Classified Ads
Kevin Burton Smith

The Classifieds Editor for The P.I. Times is Kevin
Burton Smith. Kevin lives in Montreal, and is the editor
and creator of The Thrilling Detective Web Site,
a site devoted to private eyes. And, as this month’s
column suggests, he’s probably read a few too many
P.I. novels.
©Copyright 2001
Kevin Burton Smith

HELP WANTED
FAITHFUL SIDEKICK: Self-righteous modern private investigator
seeks sociopathic assistant on a part-time, on-call basis. Applicant
must be large, taciturn, and have no compulsion about killing in
cold-blood. Familiarity with local underworld, and ability to engage
in witty banter a plus. Must provide own firearms. Remuneration to
be left vague. Applicants with multi-syllable names need not apply.
LONG-LOST LADY LOVE.: Heartbroken P.I., prone to late nights
and alcohol, seeks passionate former lover in need of rescuing. Must
have legs that go up to here, and willingness to suggest rekindling
of past sexual relationship. Please call at three in the morning, and
hang up before revealing current whereabouts. Alas, position
temporary.
PRIVATE EYES: Bandwagon Publications seeking P.I.s to appear
in proposed long-running series. Must posses a large number of
quirky friends, an affinity for cats, and ability to frequently brood
over relationships and personal life for several pages. Bandwagon is
an equal opportunity employer. Minorities welcome. Applications
from heterosexual white males will not be considered. Detective
skills not a pre-requisite.
NOW HIRING: The Continental Agency, branches in Baltimore
and San Francisco, now hiring operatives. Ability to be terse
necessary. Wire The Old Man, local office.
LOST AND FOUND
PERSONAL JOURNAL: Pure son of urinal. Bun diurnal. Lost on
Bergen Street area of Brooklyn. Virgin meet Crooklyn. Spooklyn.
Spokane in Spain mainly on the plain. Please call Lionel at L&L
Agency. Duckweed!
WEEKEND: Last seen in Manhattan, vicinity of Armstrong’s Bar,
circa 1976. If found, please contact M. Scudder, 1-800-0000
PERSONALS
SWF/SWM: Successful middle-aged Chicago businesswoman
seeks middle-aged male for non-hierachial sexual relationship. No
smokers, must like dogs and opera. Must be willing to leave before
I wake up in the morning. Call 555-2345, ask for V.
HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL:Wire Paladin, San Francisco.
FOR SALE
CUSTOM-BUILT 1936 ROLLLS-ROYCE PICK-UP TRUCK: Aqua
blue. One of a kind, authorized for sale by owner. Reason for sale:
retirement to sail round world with life-long companion. Contact
Meyer, Slip F-18, Fort Lauderdale marina.
USED OFFICE FURNITURE AND FURNISHINGS: Oakdesks,
most with wet bars in bottom right drawers. Also available: Slowly
revolving ceiling fans, venetian blinds, many wooden doors with
pebbled glass inserts. Coat racks, perfect for fedoras and
trenchcoats. Will take any reasonable offers. We have the largest
selection in town! Call the Bradbury Building, Los Angeles.