DARK ANGEL
by
Virginia Andrews


BY the same author
FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC
 PETALS ON THE WIND
 IF THERE BE THORNS
 SEEDS OF YESTERDAY
 MY SWEET AUDRINA

HEAVEN

PART ONE

One.

Comine Home

ALL ABOUT ME THE LARGE HOUSE LOOMED DAM, mysterious, and lonely. The
shadows whispered of secrets, of incidents best forgotten, and hinted of
dangers, but said nothing at all about the safety and security I needed
most. This was my mother's home, MY dead mother's home. The longed-for
home that had called to me when I lived in that mountain shack in the
Willies; called loud and sweet into my childish ears so I had been
beguiled by thoughts of all the happiness waiting just for me,

once I was here. Here in these rainbowed rooms of dreams fulfilled I'd
find the golden pot of family love-the kind I'd never known. And around
my neck I'd wear the pearls of culture, wisdom, and breeding that would
keep me free from harm, from scorn, from contempt. And so like a bride I
waited for all those wonderful things to appear and decorate me, but
they didn't come. As I sat there on her bed, the vibrations in her room
aroused the troubled thoughts that always crowded into the darkest
corners of my brain.

Why had my mother run away from a house like this? Poor Granny had led
me out into that cold, wintry night so many years ago, to visit a
cemetery where she could tell me I wasn't Sarah's first child, and show
me MY mother's grave. My mother, a beautiful runaway Boston girl named
Leigh.

Poor Granny with her ignorant, innocent brain. What a trusting soul
she'd been, believing her youngest son Luke would sooner or later prove
himself worthy enough to lift up the scorned and ridiculed name of
Casteel. "Scumbags," I seemed to hear ringing like church bells in the
darkness all around me, no good, never will be no good, none of em " and
my hands rose to my head to shut out the sound.

Someday I'd make my granny proud, though she was dead. Someday when I
had my string of degrees I'd go again to the Willies, to kneel at the
foot of her grave, and I'd say all the words that would make Granny
happier than she'd ever been in life. I didn't doubt in the least that
Granny up in heaven would smile down on me, and. she'd know at last one
Casteel had made it through high school, then college What an ignorant
innocent I was to arrive with so much hope.

It had all happened so fast: the plane landing, my frenzied scramble to
find my way through the crowded airport to the luggage carousel, all the
worldly things I'd thought would be so easy, but they weren't so easy. I
was scared even after I found my two blue suitcases that seemed
amazingly heavy. I looked around and floundered, filled with
trepidation. What my grandparents didn't come? What if they had Usecon d
thoughts about welcoming an unknown grand- into their secure, wealthy
world? They had done without me this long, why not forever? And so I
stood and waited, and as the minutes passed I became convinced they'd
never show up.

Even when a strikingly handsome couple advanced toward me, wearing the
richest clothes I'd ever seen, still I was nailed to the floor, unable
to believe that maybe, after all, God was at last going to grant me
something beside's hardship.

The man was the first to smile, to look me over really carefully. A
light sprang into his light blue eyes, bright, like a golden candle seen
through a window on Christmas Eve. "Why, you must be Miss Heaven Leigh
Casteel," greeted the smiling blond man. "I would know you anywhere. You
are your mother all over again, but for your dark hair." My heart jumped
in response, then plunged. My curse, my dark hair. My father's genes
spoiling my future, again. "Oh, please, please, Tony," whispered the
beautiful woman at his side, ."don remind me of what I have lost " And
there she was, the grandmother of my dreams. Ten times more beautiful
than I had ever pictured. I had presumed the mother of my mother would
be a sweet, gray-haired old lady. I'd never imagined any grandmother
could look like this elegant beauty in a gray fur coat, high gray boots,
and long gray gloves. Her hair was a sleek cap of pale shining gold,
pulled back from her face to show a sculptured profile and unlined face.
I didn't doubt who. she was, despite her amazing youth, for she was too
much like the image Isaw every day in the mirror. "Come. Come," she
said to me, motioning for her husband to sweep up my bags and hurry. "I
hate public places. We can get to know each other in private." My
grandfather sprang into action, picking up my two bags, as she tugged on
my arms, and soon I was hustled into a waiting limousine with a liveried
chauffeur. "Home," said my grandfather to the chauffeur without even
looking his way.

As I sat between the two of them, finally my grandmother smiled. Gently
she drew me into her arms, and kissed me, and murmured words I couldn't
quite understand. "I'm sorry we have to be so abrupt about this, but we
don't have much time to spare, said my grandmother. "Miles is heading
straight for home, Heaven dear. We hope you don't mind if we don't show
you around Boston today. And this handsome man next to you is Townsend
Anthony Tatterton. I call him Tony. Some of his friends call him Townie
to irritate him, but I suggest you don't do that.

As if I would. "My name is Jillian," she went on, still holding my hand
firmly between both of hers,, while I sat enthralled by her youth, by
her beauty, by the sound of her soft, whispery voice that was so
different from any I'd previously heard. "Tony and I plan to do
everything we can to see. that you enjoy your visit with us." Visit? I
hadn't come for a visit! I had come to stay! Forever stay! I had no
other place to go! Had Pa told them I was coming only to visit them?
What other lies had he put in their heads? From one to the other I
glanced, so afraid of arr assing myself with tears I knew instinctively
," they'd find in bad taste. Why had I presumed that cultured city
folks would want or need a hillbilly granddaughter like me? A lump came
to choke my throat. And what about my college education? Who would pay
for that if not them? I bit down on my tongue in order not to cry or say
the wrong thing. Perhaps I could work my way through. I did know how to
type

And in their black limousine I sat for long moments completely stunned
by the enormity of their misunderstanding.

Before I could recover from this shock, her husband began to speak in a
low, husky voice, using words that were English, but strangely
pronounced: "I think it best that you know from the beginning that I am
not your biological grandfather. Jillian was married first to Cleave
VanVoreen, who died about two years ago, and Cleave was the father of
your mother, Leigh Diane VanVoreen.

Again stunned, I felt myself shrink. He was so much the kind of father
I'd always wanted, A soft spoken, kindly man. My disappointment was so
devastating I couldn't fully experience the joy I had once upon a time
expected to feel when I knew my mother's full name. I swallowed again,
and bit down even harder on my tongue, letting go of the image of this
fine, handsome man being of my own fleshand blood, and with great
difficulty I tried to picture Cleave VanVoreen. What kind of name was
VanVoreen? No one in the hills and hollers of West Virginia had been
called anything as odd as VanVoreen.

"I feel very flattered that you look so disappointed to hear I am not
your natural grandfather," said this Tony, his smile small and pleased.
Puzzled by his voice, by his tone, I turned questioning eyes on my
grandmother. For some reason she blushed, and the flood of color into
her lovely face made her even more beautiful. "Yes, Heaven dear, I am
one of those shameful modern women who will not put up with a marriage
that isn't satisfying. My first husband didn't deserve me. I loved. him
in the beginning of our marriage, when he gave me enough of himself.
Unfortunately, that didn't last long. He neglected me in favor of his
business. Maybe you've heard of the VanVoreen Steamship Line. Cleave was
inordinately proud of it. His silly boats and ships demanded all his
attentions, so even his holidays and weekends were stolen from me. I
grew lonely, just as your mother did " Tony interrupted: "Jillian, look
at this girl, would you! Can you believe those eyes? Those incredible
blue eyes, so like yours, so like Leigh's!" She leaned forward to flash
him a cool, chastising look. "Of course she's not Leigh, not exactly.
It's more than just her hair color, too. There's. something in her eyes
something that isn't, well, as innocent. OW I had to be careful! I
should think more about what my eyes might reveal. Never, never should
they even guess what had happened between Cal Dennison and me. They
would despise me if they knew, just as Logan Stonewall, my childhood
sweetheart, despised me.

"Yes, you're right, of course," agreed Tony with a sigh. "No one is ever
duplicated in every detail."

Sk Those two years and five months I spent in Candlewick, just outside
of Atlanta, with Kitty and Cal Dennison, had not given me the kind of
sophistication I needed now, not as I had previously thought. Kitty had
been thirty-seven when she died, and she'd considered her advanced age
intolerable. And here was my grandmother, who had to be much older than
Kitty, and she didn't appear even as old as Kitty, and as far as I could
see she had a strong hold on confidence. Truthfully, I'd never seen a
grandmother who looked so young. And grandmothers in the hills came in
very young ages, especially when they married at twelve, thirteen, or
fourteen. I found myself speculating on just how old my grandmother was.

In February I'd be seventeen, but that was still months away. My m other
had been only fourteen the day I was born; the same day she died. If
she'd lived, she'd be thirty-one. Now I was rather well read, and from
all the facts I'd learned about Boston blue bloods I knew they didn't
marry until they finished their educations. Husbands and babies weren't
considered essential to the lives of young Bostonian girls as they were
back in West Virginia. This grandmother would have been at least twenty
when she married the first time. That would put her in her fifties, at
least. Imagine that. The same age as I remembered Granny best. Granny,
with her long, thin white hair, her stooped shoulders with her dowager's
hump, her arthritic fingers and legs, her pitifully few garments drab
and dark, her worn-out shoes.

Oh, Granny, and once you'd been as lovely as this woman.

My intense and unrelieved study of my youthful grandmother brought two
small tears to shine in the corners her cornflower blue eyes so much
like my own. Tears that lingered without falling.

Made brave by her small, unmoving tears, I found a voice: "Grandmother,
what did my father tell you about me?" My question came out tremulously
low and scared. Pa had told me he'd talked to my grandparents, that they
would welcome me into their home. But what else had he told them? He'd
always despised me, blamed me for killing his "AngeP' wife. Had Pa told
them everything? If so, they'd never learn to like me, much less love
me. And I needed someone to love me for what I was-less than perfect.

Those shining blue eyes swung my way, totally void of expression. It
bothered me how empty she could make her eyes, as if she knew how to
turn all her emotions off and on. Despite those cool eyes and those
tears that defied gravity, when she spoke her voice was sweet and warm;
"Heaven dear, would you be a darling girl and not call me GrandmotherT I
try so hard to retain my youth, and I feel I have been successful in my
endeavors, and being called Grandmother' in front of all my friends who
think I am years younger than I actually am would defeat all my efforts.
I'd be so humiliated to be caught in a lie. I confess I always lie about
my age, sometimes even to doctors. So please don't be hurt or offended
if I ask that from now on you just call me  Jillian." Another shock, but
I was growing used to them by now. "But  but " I sputtered,\"how are you
going to explain who I am?-and where I come from?-and what I'm doing
here?"

Oh my dear, sweet dear, please don't look so hurt! In private, maybe on
rare occasions, you could call me  oh, no! On second thought that just
won't If I allow you  you'd forget and thoughtlessly call me
Grandmother.' So I am right to start us off like this. You see, dear,
it's not real lying. Women I nave to do what they can to create their
own mystique. I suggest you start right now lying about your I own age.
It's never too soon. And I will' simply introduce you as my niece,
Heaven Leigh Cas teeM It took me a few moments to take this in and to
find the next question. "Do you have a sister whose surname is the same
as mine, CasteeIT' ---Why no, of course not," she said with an efficient
little laugh. "But both of my sisters have been married and divorced so
many times no, one could possibly remember all the names they've had.
And you don't have to embroider anything, do you? Just say you don't
want to talk about your background. And if someone is rude enough to
persist, tell that hateful someone your dear daddy took you back to his
hometown  what did you say the name was?"

Winnerrow, Jill," supplied Tony, crossing his legs and meticulously
running his fingers down the sharp crease of his gray trouser leg.

Back in the Willies most women competed to become grandmothers at the
earliest age possible! It was something to boast about, to be proud of.
Why, my own granny had been a grandmother by the time she was
twenty-eight, though that first grandson had not lived a full year. Yet,
still  that granny at age fifty had looked eighty or more. "All right,
Aunt Jillian," I said in another small voice. "No, dear, not Aunt
Jillian, just Jillian. I have never liked titles, mother, aunt, sister,
or wife. My Christian name is enough." r husband chuckled.

nev, words, Heaven, you, May call m C eyes swung gr inn m call you
Grandfat  e lfsh tw shes sa ay coolly After all, dar li , -it, I Or yg
e family tie ss doe si i,,, I didi c were under eu rrents JA turne to theo.
rstand.' Piom one very little attentid t, aid headed untitthe hip into
frt hand t  I saw a sijo, that MI headi Wrin. Ulleasy bout my, ,liu,
ki" am,l y to f lean pt and , t fl Uti g his ix ta to lop WM C, Sm A
tell, Hot tl"'O'C bet; omlixne, to touched fr YI eyes b Uther seemed a
very pleasant fCllq r ""just mo the and grief had put You into de lost
your r d naturally we wanted, to do what an to help. It has always
pained us that y mother never kept in touch with us, or let us kn, hs
after she ran aw >, where she was. About two mont ght, did write us a
postcard to say she was all right, I ve-x heard from her again. We tried
our best tor   even hWed, detectives. The postcaid was COO lOn-!t, be
read, and the picture was w li etr west He palm Virginia. and, his.
"Dearest girl -c h h' so very s o' r r'y to boar about your va,oih 
choking up and forgetting to blot her tears. "At this moment I am just
too upset and emotional to hear more. Indulge me, darling, please."

But I would like to know more now," said Tony, squeezing my hand that he
had again captured. "Your father said he called from Winnerrow, and that
he and your mother lived there all their married lives. Did you like
WinnerrowT' At first my tongue refused to form words, but as the silence
stretched and became uncomfortably thick, I finally found what wasn't
truly a lie,\"Yes, I like Winnerrow well enough."  That's good. We would
so hate to think that Leigh and her child were unhappy." I allowed my
eyes to meet his briefly before they fled again to stare almost blindly
at the passing scenery. Then he was asking: "How did your mother meet
your father?"

Please, Tony!" cried Jillian, in what appeared to be great distress.
"Didn't I just say I am too upset to hear the details? My daughter is
dead, and for years she didn't write to me! Can I forget and forgive her
for that? I waited and I waited for her to write and plead or
forgiveness! She hurt me when she ran away! I cried for months! I hate
to cry; you know that, Tony!" She sobbed rough and harsh, as if truly
sobbing were new to her throat, then touched her eyes again with her.
lacy bit of cloth. "Leigh knew I was emotional and sensitive and I would
suffer, but she didn't care. She never loved me. It was Cleave she loved
best. And in truth she helped to kill the father who couldn't put
himself back together once she was gone    so I have just made up my
mind, I am not going to let grief Ine of happiness and ruin the rest of
my, withtdoets. Why jill, I never thought for one second you ould let
grief ruin your life. Besides, you have to -remember Leigh had seventeen
years of life with a m an she adored, isn't that so, Heave nT I
continued to stare blindly out of the side windows.

dear God, how could I answer that without iling my chances? If they
knew-and obviously th dn't know, it might change their attitude ey di
and me. "It looks like it might rain," I said "nervously, staring
outside. I pushed backward on the rich suede seat and tried relax.
Jilhan had been part of my life for less than o h ur, and already I
guessed that she didn't want ton o hear. of anyone's problems, neither
mine nor my mother's. I bit down harder on my lower lip, trying to
,-Xpep from showing my emotions, and then, like the ties sing white lies
could sometimes be, my pride came in full dress parade. I sat
straighter. I swallowed tears. I vanquished the throat lump. My
shoulders ened. And to my utmost surprise, my voice came it, strong,
honest, sincere: My mother and father met in Atlanta and fell eply in
love on first sight. Daddy rushed her to his nts in West Virginia so
she'd have a decent house which to stay that night. His home was not
exactly Winnerrow, more on the outskirts. They were d in a proper church
ceremony, with flowers, ness es and a minister to say the words, and
later ey drove away to honeymoon in Nflami. And when came back Daddy had
a new bathroom added to r house just to please my mother." Silence! A
dead silence that went on and on---didn't they believe my lies? "Why
that was very nice, considerate," murmured Tony, looking at me in the
oddest way. "Something I never would have thought of, a new bathroom,
but practical, very practical." Jillian sat with her head turned, as if
she didn't want to hear any of the details of her daughter's married
life. "How many people lived with your parent sT persisted Tony.

- "Only Granny and Grandpa," I said defensively. "They were crazy about
my mother, so much they called her nothing but Angel. It was Angel this,
and Angel that. She could do no wrong. You would have liked my granny.
She died a few years ago, but Grandpa still lives with Pa."

And what day and month were you, born quizzed Tony. He had long, strong
fingers, and his nails shone. "February the twenty-second," I said,
giving the right date but the wrong year-I gave the year Fanny had been
born, one year after me. "She'd been married to Pa for more than a
year," I added, thinking that sounded better than a birth that came just
eight months after marriage, which might have betrayed some frenzied
need my parents had had for bedding down with each other

And only when the words were out of my mouth did I realize just what I
had done.

I had trapped myself. Now they thought I was only sixteen. Now I could
never tell them about my half brothers Tom and Keith, and my half
sisters, Fanny and Our Jane. And it had been my solemn intention

the help of my mother's parents so I could put Ln-dly back together
again under one roof. Oh, forgive me for wanting to secure my own place
Tony, I am tired. You know I have to rest between three and five if I am
to appear fresh for that dinner rty tonight." A slightly troubled look
shaded -her ,,cxpression before it quickly cleared. "Heaven dear, you
won't mind if Tony and I step out for a few hours onight, will you?
You'll have a TV in your room, and there's a wonderful library on the
first floor with thousands of books." She leaned to put a soft kiss on
my cheek, smothering me with her perfume that filled the enclosed space.
"I would have ce led but I completely forgot until this morning at you
were due Numbness tingled in my fingertips, perhaps because Judu y
fingers locked so tightly together. Already ey were finding reasons for
escaping me. No one in e hills would leave a guest alone in a strange
house.

t's all right I said weakly. "I feel a little tired yself."

There you see, Tony, she doesn't mind. I told you e wouldn't. And I'll
make up for it, Heaven dear, ally I will. Tomorrow I'll take you riding.
Do you know how to ride? If you don't, I'll teach you. I was orn on a
horse ranch and my first horse was a -,'tall ion "Jillian, please! Your
first horse was a timid little I ny. "Ohl you are such a bore, Tony!
Really, what Aifference does it make? It just sounds better to learn on
a stallion than on a pony, but Scuttles was a dear, a eet little dear."
hIt didn't seem so nice to be called "Reaven dear" now that I knew she
called everyone and everything "dear." And yet, when she smiled at me,
and touched my cheek lightly with her gloved hand, I was so greedy for
affection I trembled. I wanted more than anything for her to like me,
eventually to love me, and I was going to try to make it happen fast,
fast I "Tell me that your mother was happy, that's all I need to know,"
whispered Jillian. "She was happy until the day she died," I whispered,
not really lying. She had been happy, foolishly happy, according to
Granny and Grandpa, despite all the hardships of a drafty, miserable
shack in the hills, and a husband who couldn't give her anything like
what she was accustomed to. "Then I don't need to hear anything more,"
crooned Jillian, putting her arm around me and pulling my head into the
deep fur of her coat collar.

What would they say if they knew the truth about me and my family? Would
they just smile and think soon enough I'd be gone, and what difference
did I make after all? I couldn't let, them know the truth. They had to
accept me as one of their own kind; I had to make them need me, and they
didn't yet know that they needed me. And I was not going to be scared
and let them see my vulnerability.

Yet, they spoke a different kind of English than I did. I had to listen
very carefully; even familiar words sounded strange in their
pronunciation. But I was determined to see that I'd soon be accepted in
their world, so different from all that I had known. I was smart, quick
to learn, and I'd find a way sooner or later to find Keith and Our Jane.

po e I'd considered delicate at first was inundating me with its heavy
base of jasmine, ng me, -el giddy and totally unreal. Thoughts of
stepmother Sarah came fleetingly to mind. Oh, if could only once in her
life have a bottle of an's perfume! A jar or box of Jillian's silky face
powder! The rain that I had predicted earlier began with a drizzle, and
in seconds sheets of water drummed the blacktop. The driver slowed and
seemed to -,, take more care, as all three of us behind the glass
stopped talking and sat each with our own -thoughts. Going home, going
home, that's all I had in m d Going to where it's better, prettier,
where in or later I'll feel truly welcomed. My dream was happening too
fast for me to drink in the impressions. I wanted to save and savor all
of first ride to wherever they were taking me, and nder the memories
later, when I was alone. To- alone in a strange house. Better thoughts
came. wait until I write and tell Tom about my beautiful nd mother He'll
never believe someone so old d look so young. And my sister Fanny would
be so ous! If only I could call Logan, who was only a few les away,
living in some big college dorm. But I hold en gullible and naive enough
to fall for Cal Denon's seduction. Logan didn't want me now. He ld no
doubt hang up if I phoned him. I hen, as the driver made a right turn,
Jillian began ramble on and on about the plans she would soon to
entertain me. "And we always make Christa special event, we go all out,
so to speak." I knew. She was telling me in her own way I ld stay
through Christmas. And it was only early October  but October had
always been a bittersweet month: goodbye to summer and all the bright
and happy things; wait now for winter, for all the cold and bleak and
stark things.

Why was I thinking like this? Winter wouldn't be cold and bleak in a
fine rich house. There would be plenty of fuel oil, or coal or firewood,
or electric heat, whatever, I'd be warm enough. By the time Christmas
had come and gone, I'd have added so much fun to their lonely household,
neither one would want me to go. No they wouldn't. They'd need me  oh,
God, let them need me! Miles passed, and to lift my spirits and my
confidence, suddenly a brilliant sun peeked through the dreary clouds.
Trees in vivid autumn colors lit up, and I believed God was going to
shine his light on me after all. Hope sprang into my heart. I was going
to love New England. It looked so much like the Williesonly without the
mountains and the shacks. "We'll soon be there," said Tony, lightly
touching my hand. "Turn your head to the right and look for a break in
the tree line. The first glimpse of Farthinggale Manor is a sight to
remember." A house with a name! Impressed, I turned to him and smiled.
"Is it as grand as it sounds, is it?"

Every bit as grand," he answered somberly. "My home means a great deal
to me. It was built by my great-great-great-grandfather, and every first
son who takes it over improves it." Jillian snorted, as if contemptuous
of his home. But I was excited, eager to be impressed. With great
anticipation I leaned forward and watched for the break in the trees. It
came soon after. The chauffeur made the turn onto a private road marked
by high, ught-iron gates that arched overhead and spelled OlIT with
ornate embellishments Farthinggale Manor.

I gasped just to see the gates, the imps and fairies an gnomes that
peeked between the iron leaves. "The Tattertons affectionately refer to
our ancestral lion ie as Farthy," informed Tony with nostalgia in his
voice. "I used to think when I was a boy there wasn't a house anywhere
in the world as fine as the one where I lived. Of course there are many
that exceed Farthy, b t in my mind. When I was seven I was sent ut no to
Eton because my father thought the English know more about discipline
than our private schools do. And in that he was right. In England I was
always dreaming of coming home to Farthy. Whenever I felt A C homesick,
which was most of the time, I'd close my eyes and pretend Lcould smell
the balsam, fir, and ees, and more than anything, the briny scent of
pine tr the se  And I'd wake up aching, wanting to feel the a home cool
morning air on my face, wanting my z so badly it physically hurt. When I
was ten my parents gave up Eton as a hopeless cause, or else I'd be
forever homesick, and I was allowed to come back, and oh, that was a
happy day." I could believe him. I'd never seen such a beautiful and
huge house, made of gray stone so it sort of   resembled a castle, and
not unintentionally, I believed. The roof was red and soared, forming
turrets and small, red bridges that assisted one in reaching portions of
the high roof that would have been inaccessible otherwise.

Then Miles pulled the limo to a slow stop before the tall and wide steps
that led to the arching front door. "Come," called Tony, suddenly
excited,\"let me have the pleasure of introducing you to Farthy. I love
to see the amazement on the faces of those who view it for the first
time, for then I can see it freshly all over again myself." And with
Jillian following less than enthusiastically behind us, we slowly
ascended the wide stone stairs. Huge urns were beside the front door,
holding graceful Japanese pine trees. I could hardly wait to see the
inside. My mother's home. Soon I'd be inside. Soon I'd see her rooms and
her belongings. Oh, Mother, at last I'm home! TwoFartbinggale Manor WAS
OFF, SIDE THAT HOUSE OF STONE, ONCE MY COAT V I I rned in slow circle my
breath caught, my eyes staring, staring, and too late I realized it was
ad manners to stare, country and gauche to be pressed by what others
took for granted. Jillian oked at me with disapproval; Tony with
pleasure. -is I all that you thought it would be?" he asked. Yes it was
more than I'd dared hope for! Yet I recognized it for what it was, the
object of my ountain wistfulness, my dreamscape. "I have to hurry,
Heaven dear," Jillian reminded, uddenly sounding very happy. "Look
around as uch as you like, and make yourself at home in the ",",,icastle
of the toy king. I'm sorry I can't stay to witness Your first
impressions, but I have to hurry on so I can K take my nap. Tony, show
Heaven dear around your li. Farthy, then show her to her rooms." She
gave me a sweet, pleading smile that took some of the hurt from my heart
because she was neglecting me already. "Dearest girl, forgive me for
rushing away to tend to 3 when this gorgeous creature came down and I
saw her face, she seemed unreal. It was Jillian, who had come with one
of her decorator friends, and it was she who suggested the murals.
Storybook settings for the king of the toy makers was the way she put
it, and I fell for the idea hook, line, and sinker. Also it gave her a
reason for coming back."

Why would she call you king of the toy makers I asked, full of
puzzlement. A toy was a toy, though certainly the portrait doll of my
mother had been more than just a toy.

Apparently I couldn't have asked a question that pleased Tony more. "My
darling child, did you come thinking I made ordinary toys of plastic?
The Tattertons are king of the toy makers for what we make is meant for
collectors, for wealthy people who cannot grow up and forget their
childhood when they had nothing to find under their Christmas trees, and
never enjoyed a birthday party. And you would be truly surprised at the
number of the rich and famous who weren't given a chance to be children,
so that now, in their middle or even old age, they must have what they
always dreamed about. So they buy the instant antiques, the winning
collectibles made by my craftsmen and artisans-the best in the world.
When you step into a Tatterton Toy Shop, you step into fairyland. You
step also into any time you desire, be it the past or the future. Oddly
enough, the past intrigues my richest clients most. We have a five-year
backlog of demands for stone castles built in scale, with the moats, the
drawbridges, the bailiwick, the cook houses, the stables, the quarters
for the knights and squires, the sheds for the cattle, sheep, pigs,
chickens. Those who can afford it can set up their owit kingdom,

MY or whatever, and people it with the appropriate servants, the
peasants, the lords and the ladies. And we make games so difficult they
keep the best nunds intrigued for hours and hours. For the wealthy -and
famous after a while become so bored, Heaven, so everlastingly bored,
and that's when they turn to collecting, be it toys, paintings, or
women. In the end, it is a curse, this ennui, for all who have so much
they can find nothing new to purchase  and I try to fill the gap." ere
are people who will pay hundreds of dollars for a toy chicken?" I asked,
my voice full of awed amazement. "There are people who will pay
thousands to possess what no one else has. So all Tatterton collectibles
am one of a kind, a nd that sort of detailed work is very costly." It
scared, awed, and impressed me to know there ere people in the world who
had so much money to waste. What difference did it make if you owned the
only swan made of ivory with ruby eyes, or the only pair of chickens
carved of some semiprecious stone? A thousand starving kids in the
Willies could be fed for a year on what one rich potentate paid for his
one-of-a-kind chess set! How did I talk to a man whose family had
emigrated from Europe, bringing with them their skills, and right away
had begun to increase their fortune tenfold? I was lost in such
territory, so I turned to something more familiar.

I was captivated with the idea of Jillian painting. "Did she do these
herself I asked with awe, very impressed.

 C She made the original sketches, then turned them over to several
young artists to complete. Though I have to admit she came every day to
check on how they were developing, and once or twice I'd come in to see
her with a paintbrush in her hand." His soft voice turned dreamy. "Her
hair was long and fell halfway down her back then. She seemed a child
woman one minute, a worldly one the next. She had her own kind of beauty
that was very rare, and of course she knew it. Jillian knows what beauty
can do, and cannot do, and at twenty I was not very good about hiding my
feelings."

Oh. How old was she then?" I asked innocently enough.

His laugh came short and hard, decidedly brittle. "She told me right
from the beginning she was too old for me, but that only intrigued me
more. I liked older women. They seemed to have more to offer than silly
girls my own age, so when she said she was thirty, though I was a bit
surprised, still I wanted to see her again and again. We fell in love,
though she was married and had one child, your mother. But none of that
prevented her from wanting to do all the fun things her husband never
had time for." What a coincidence that Tony could be ten years younger
than Jillian, just as Kitty Dennison had been ten years younger than her
husband, Cal. imagine m hen one day I found out,  y surprise waft er I
had been married to her for six months, that my bride was forty and not
thirty." He had married a woman twenty years older? "Who told you? Did
she?"

Jill, dear girl, seldom refers to anyone's age. It was your mother Leigh
who yelled that information in my face.

 
It upset me to think my mother would betray hern mother in such an
important way. "Didn't my mother like her own mother?" He patted my hand
reassuringly, smiled broadly, And then strode off in another direction,
beckoning for me to follow. "Of course Leigh loved Jillian. She was
unhappy about her father  and she hated me for taking her mother away
from him. However, like most young people, she soon adjusted to this
house, and to me, and she and Troy became very good friends." I was
listening with half a mind, part of me gawking at the luxuries in this
marvelous house; I soon found out it had nine rooms downstairs, and two
baths. Servants quarters were beyond the kitchen, which formed its own
wing. The library was dark and baronial, with thousands of leather-bound
books. Then there was Tony's at-home office, which he displayed to me
only briefly. "I'm afraid I'm rather a tyrant about my office. I don't
like anyone in there unless I am present to invite them in. I don't even
like for the servants to dust when I am not there to supervise. You see,
most housemaids consider my organized clutter messy, and right away they
want to tidy my papers, return my open books to the shelves, and the
first thing I know I can't find anything. A horrendous amount of time
can be wasted looking for what you want." Not for a minute could I
picture this kind-looking man as a tyrant. Pa was the tyrant! Pa with
his bellowing voice, his heavy fists, his quick temper, though still,
when I thought of him now, tears came unbidden to sting my eyes. Once I
had needed his love so much, and he'd given none at all to me, only a
little

to Tom and Fanny. And if he'd ever held Keith or Our Jane I had not
seen him "You are a baffling girl, Heaven. One second you look radiant
with happiness, and the next all the happiness has fled and you have
tears in your eyes. Are you thinking of your mother? You must accept
that she's gone and take comfort in knowing that she had a happy life.
Not all of us can say that." But such a little of it  though I didn't
express my thoughts. I had to tread warily until I'd gained a friend in
this house, and as I looked at Tony, I suspected he'd be the one whom
I'd see more than Jillian. At that moment I knew I was going to ask for
his help, the moment I knew he liked me enough to give "You looklired.
Come, let's settle you in, so you can relax and rest up a bit. " And
without further ado, we retraced our steps and soon were on the second
floor. Dramatically he threw open two wide, double doors. "When I
married Jillian I had two rooms redone for Leigh, who was twelve then. I
wanted to flatter her, so I gave her feminine rooms that weren't
girlish. I hope you enjoy them " His head was turned in a way that kept
me from read mig his eyes.

The sunlight through the pale ivory sheers was misted and frail and gave
the sitting room an unused, unreal quality. In comparison to the rooms
I'd seen below, this one was small; still, it was twice as large as our
entire cabin had been. The walls were covered in some delicate ivory
silk fabric, woven through subtly with faint oriental designs of green,
violet, and blue, and the two small sofas were covered with the same 3
labric, the accent pillows soft blue to match the Chinese rug on the
floor. I tried to picture myself at -ease in this room, cuddled down
before that little fireplace, and failed completely. Rough clothes would
snag fabric so fine. I'd have to be so particular not to fingerprint the
walls, the sofa, the many lampshades. Then I half laughed. Here I
wouldn't be. living in the hills and working in the garden and scrubbing
the floor, as I had at the cabin and at Kitty and Cal Dennison's house
in Candlewick. "Come, see your bedroom," called Tony, moving on ahead of
me. "I have to hurry and dress for that party Jillian doesn't want to
miss. You have to forgive her, Heaven. She did make the plans before she
knew you were coming, and the woman throwing the party is her best
friend and worst enemy." He chucked me under the chin, amused at my
expression, then headed for the door. "If you need anything, use the
telephone there, and a maid will bring it up. If you'd rather eat in the
dining room, call the kitchen downstairs and tell them that. The house
is yours, enjoy."  He was out the door and closing it before I could
reply. I turned in circles, staring at the pretty double bed with four
posters and an arching canopy of heavy lace. Blue and ivory. How these
two rooms must have suited her. Her chaise was blue satin, while the
other three chairs in her bedroom matched those in the sitting room. I
wandered on into the dressing and bathroom area, thrilled by all the
mirrors, the crystal chandeliers, the hidden lighting that lit up the
huge walk-in closet spaces. Framed photographs lined the long dressing
table. Soon I was sitting and staring at a pretty little girl sitting on
her father's knee.

The child had to be my mother! And that man my true grandfather!
Excited and trembling I picked up the small silver frame.

At that very moment someone rapped softly on my bedroom door. "Who's
there?" I called. "It is Beatrice Percy,- answered a stiff, female
voice. "Mr. Tatterton sent me up to see if I could help you unpack and
organize your things." The door opened and into my bedroom stepped a
tall woman in a black maid's uniform. She smiled at me vaguely.
"Everyone here calls me Percy. You may do that as well. I will be your
personal maid while you are here. I have training that qualities me to
do your hair and give you manicures, and if you wish I will draw you a
tub now." She waited with an air of urgency. "I usually bathe before
going to bed, or shower first thing in the morning," I said with
embarrassment. I was not used to talking about intimate things with a
strange woman. "Mr. Tatterton ordered me to check on you."

Thank you, Percy, but I don't need anything right now. " "Is there
anything that you cannot eat, or shouldn't eat?"

My appetite is very good-I can eat anything, and like most everything. "
No, mine wasn't a finicky appetite, or else I would have starved to
death. "Would you like dinner to be sent here?"

Whatever makes it easier for you, Percy." Her frown came fast but
slight, as if such an easygoing mistress unsettled her. "The servants
are here to make life as comfortable as possible for those in this
house. If you dine up here or in the dining room, we will be there to
serve your needs."

oughts of dining alone in that huge room dow nt i seated at that long
table with all those empty th airs washed me over with loneliness. "If
you will bring me up something light about seven, that will be enough.
"Yes, miss," she said. appearing relieved she could do something for me,
and then she was gone.

And I'd forgotten to ask her if she knew my mother! Again I turned to
complete my search of my mother's rooms. It seemed to me that everything
had been left as it had been the day she ran, though it had been freshly
aired, vacuumed, and dusted. One by one I began picking up the
silver-framed photographs, studying them closely, trying to find the
side of my mother Granny and Grandpa had known nothing about. So many
snapshots. How beautiful Jillian was, seated with her daughter, her
devoted husband standing behind her. Faded and faint. a childishly
written caption was on the rim of the photograph: "Daddy, Mommy, and
me." A drawer revealed a fat photo album. Slowly, slowly I turned the
heavy pages, staring at the snapshots of a girl growing up, growing
prettier through the years. Birthday parties blossomed in full color,
her fifth, sixth, seventh, on up to her thirteenth. Leigh Diane
VanVoreen, over an dover again it was written, as if she delighted in
her name. Cleave VanVoreen, my daddy. Jillian VanVoreen, my mommy.
Jennifer Longstone, my best friend. Winterhaven, soon to be my school.
Joshua John Bennington, my first boyfriend. Maybe my last.

And already, long before I'd turned even half the pages, I was jealous
of this beautiful blond girl and 33 her wealthy parents and her
fabulous clothes. She'd had trips to zoos and museums and even foreign
countries, when I'd had only pictures of Yellowstone Park shown in
worn-out, dirty copies of National Geographic or in school textbooks. A
lump came in my throat to see Leigh with Daddy and Mommy on a steamship
heading for some distant port. There she was, Leigh VanVoreen,
frantically waving goodbye to someone who took her picture. More
pictures of Leigh on board ship, swimming, or with Daddy teaching her to
dance and Mommy taking pictures. In London before Big Ben, or watching
the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Somewhere long before my mother changed from child to adolescent, I lost
most of my pity for a girl who had died too young. She had experienced
in, her short life ten times more fun and excitement than I had known, or
would likely know in twenty of my years yet to come. She'd had a real
father in her most important years, a kind and gentle man from the look
of his pictures, to tuck her into bed at night, to tear her prayers, to
teach her what men were all about. How had I ever presumed to think that
Cal Dennison had loved me? How could I presume now that Logan would ever
want me again, when it was more than likely they'd see in me the same
thing that Pa had.

No, no, I tried to tell myself. Not to love me had been Pa's loss, not
mine. Ibadn't been permanently damaged. Someday I'd make a good wife and
mother. I wiped at my weak tears and told them never to come again. What
good was self-pity? I'd never see Pa again. I didn't want to see Pa
again.

Av,ain I studied the photographs. I had never known young girls could
wear clothes so fine, when 3 dreams at nine and ten and eleven had ebeen
to own something from the sale racks in Sears. And Kitty had taught me
about the K Mart. I stared at, photos of Leigh riding a shiny brown
horse, her clothes showing off her blond fairness to perfec- on and with
her was Daddy. Always with her was Daddy.

I saw Leigh in school pictures, swimming at the beach, in private
swimming pools, proud of her developing figure. Her posture told me she
was proud, and all about her were admiring friends. Then, abruptly,
Daddy disappeared from the pictures.

With Daddy gone, Leigh's happy smiles also vanished. Darkness troubled
her eyes now, and her lips lost their ability to smile. There was Mommy
with a new man, a much younger and handsomer man. I knew immediately
this very tanned and blond man was twenty-year-old Tony Tatterton. And
strangely, the beautiful, radiant girl who had smiled with confident
candor into the camera lens before could not manage even a faint, false
smile. Now she could only stand slightly apart from her mother with her
new man.

I quickly turned the last page. Oh, oh, oh! The second wedding of
Jillian. My mother at twelve wearing a pink junior bridesmaid's long
dress, carrying a bouquet of sweetheart roses, and, standing slightly to
her side, a very young boy who tried to smile, though Leigh VanVoreen
made no effort at all.

The little boy had to be Tony's brother Troy. A slight boy with a mop of
dark hair, huge eyes that didn't seem happy.

Tired now, drained emotionally, I wanted to escape all the knowledge
that was coming at me so fast. My 3 mother had not trusted or liked her
stepfather! How could I confide in him now? Yet I had to stay and get
that college degree that meant my whole future.

At the windows, I stood looking down at the circular drive that snaked
about to become one long, winding road to the outside. I watched Jillian
and Tony, wearing evening clothes, step into a beautiful new car that he
drove. No limousine this time  because they didn't want a chauffeur
waiting for them? Alone, so alone I felt when their car was out of
sight.

What to do with myself until seven? I was hungry right now. Why hadn't I
told Percy that? What was wrong with me that I felt so shy and
vulnerable, when I had determined to be strong? It was being shut up too
long, in the plane, in the car, here, I told myself. And I went
downstairs and pulled my blue coat from a closet that held half a dozen
furs belonging to Jillian. Then I headed for the front door.

Three Beyond the Maze

FAST AND FURIOUS I, WALKED, NOT KNOWING WHERE I was going, only that I
was breathing deeply the "briny scent of the sea," as Tony had put it.
Several times I skipped backward so I could admire Farthy as seen on the
ground from the outside. So many windows to clean! Such high and wide
windows. And all that marble, how did they keep it clean? As I backed
away, slowing my walk, I tried to see which windows were mine. Suddenly
I collided with something, and quickly turning I confronted not a wall,
but a hedge that was almost a wall it grew so tall, and went on and on.
Fascinated by what I thought it might be, I followed it until I
discovered, yes! An English maze. And with a certain childish delight I
entered the maze, not for one moment thinking it could confound me. I'd
find the way out. I'd always been good at puzzles. Why, in intelligence
tests Tom and I had always known how to send our mice to the cheese, or
our pirates to the treasure.

3 It was pretty in here, with the hedges growing as tall as ten feet,
and making precise, right-angle turns, and it was so quiet! All the
small chirpings of the garden birds sounded distant and faded. Even the
plaintive shrieks of the sea gulls flying overhead were muffled,
faraway. The house that had seemed so close was lost when I turned to
check-where was it? The tall hedges shut off the warmth of the failing
sun. Soon it was more than just briskly chill. My footsteps quickened.
Perhaps I should have told Percy I was going outside. I glanced at my
watch. Almost six-thirty. In half an hour someone would be bringing up
my supper. Was I going to miss my first meal in my very own sitting
room? And no doubt someone would light those logs already laid on
kindling. It would be nice to sit before my very own fire, curled up in
a fancy chair, nibbling on delicacies I'd probably never eat anywhere
but here. I made another turn, and shortly met another dead end. I
turned again. This time I'd take the right turn. But now that I'd turned
in circles several times, I'd lost directions and couldn't tell paths
I'd already used. That's when I pulled a tissue from my coat pocket,
tore off a strip, and tied it to a hedge branch. There, we'd see how
soon I was out now.

The sun in its descent to the horizon blazed the sky with vibrant
colors, warning me that soon night would fall with a deeper blanket of
cold. But what was this civilized Boston area compared to the wildness
of the Willies? Only too soon I found out that a coat purchased in
Atlanta was not meant for those living north of Boston! Oh, come now,
this was silly! I was wearing the best coat I'd ever owned, bought for
me by Cal Dennison.

3 a a small, blue velvet collar that only a month ago I'd considered
elegant.  Me, who used to roam the hills when I was two and three and
was never lost, confounded by a silly maze, meant for fun! I shouldn't
panic. There had to be something I was doing wrong. For the third time I
arrived at the pink strip of tissue blowing in the wind. I tried to
concentrate  I pictured the maze, the place where I'd entered, but all
the pathways between the high hedges looked alike, and I was almost
afraid to leave the comfort of my torn tissue that at least told me
where I'd been three times. As I stood there indecisively, straining my
ears to hear the surf pounding on the shore, I heard not the ocean waves
crashing on the rocks, but a steady tap-tap-tap. Somebody hammering.
Humanity nearby. I let my ears guide me forward.

Night settled quickly, heavily, and mists of fog curled on the ground
where cold air met the warmer earth and there was no wind that low to
sweep it up and out. On and on I followed the sound of the hammering.
Then, alarmingly, I heard a window close, bang! No more tapping! The
silence stunned me with its frightening implications. I could wander
around out here all night, and no one would know. Who would think to
check in the garden maze? Oh, why had I walked backward? My mountain
habit seemed stupid now.

Crossing my arms over my chest in Granny's way, I made the next right
turn, then the next right turn, never making another left turn until
abruptly I was out! Not back where I'd begun, true enough, for I didn't
recognize anything, but somewhere better than inside the puzzle. It was
too dark and foggy to see the 3 house. Besides, before me lay a path of
pale flagstones that faintly shimmered in the dark. I smelled the tall
pines made faint by fog and dark, and then I saw a small stone cottage
with a red slate roof crouched low and surrounded by a stand of pines.
It so surprised me a small cry escaped my lips.

Oh, the fun of being rich! Of having money to waste! Such a cottage
belonged in a Mother Goose book, not here. A knee-high picket fence that
wouldn't keep anything out wound its crooked way around the cottage,
giving support to climbing roses that I could only barely see. In
daylight all this would have been charming to discover, but at night my
suspicions took wing, and I was frightened. I stood still and took stock
of my situation. I could turn around and go back. I glanced over my
shoulder to see that the fog had closed in, and I couldn't even see the
maze! From the acrid scent of wood burning, smoke must be snaking
upward. A gardener's cottage, that's what! An elderly man was inside
with his wife, ready to sit down to a simple meal that would no doubt
please my appetite more than gourmet dishes prepared in a kitchen Tony
hadn't bothered to show me.

The light from the windows didn't stream outside and fall on the path to
brighten my way. It was smothered light, anxious to disappear. I headed
for those squares of windows before they, too, vanished in the fog.

At the cottage door I hesitated before I rapped. Three or four times I
banged on the solid door that hurt my hands to rap on, and still no one
answered! Someone was in there! I knew someone was there. Impatient
because whoever it was was ignoring me,

confident now that I was more or less an import member of the Tatterton
family, I turned the hand stepped inside a dim, firelit room. It was
very warm in the cottage. I stayed with my ac to k ward the door and
stared at the young man sat with his back toward me. I could tell from
the slender length of his legs, sheathed in tight black trousers, that
he was tall. His shoulders were broad, > his dark brown, unruly hair
held hints of copper where it caught the glow from the fire. I stared at
that hair, thinking it was the color of hair I'd always presumed Keith's
would be when he was a man. Thick, wavy hair that reached the nape of
his neck and curled upward, barely brushing the white collar of his thin
blouse that resembled an artist's or poet's smock, with very full
sleeves.

He turned a bit, as if my prolonged stare made him aware of my presence.
Now I could see his profile. I sucked in my breath. It wasn't just that
he was good looking. Pa was handsome in his strong, bestial, and brutal
way, and Logan was classically handsome in his own stubborn way; this
man was good looking in a different kind of way, a special way I'd not
seen before, and behind my eyes an image of Logan rose to fill me with
guilt. But Logan had run from me. He had left me alone in the cemetery,
standing in the rain, not willing to understand that sometimes a girl of
fifteen or sixteen didn't know how to handle a man who had befriended
her. Except by giving in, so he'd continue to be her friend.

But Logan was yesterday, and for all I knew I might never see him again.
So I stared at this man, more than puzzled by the unexpected way my body
responded just to the sight of him. -Even without looking my way, he
appealed to me immediately  as if he sent out his need to me  that it
was telling me it would be my need too! It also warned me to tread
slowly, to be careful, and keep my distance. I didn't need or want a
love affair at this stage of my life. I'd had enough of men forcing sex
on me when I wasn't ready for it. Yet I stood there trembling, wondering
what I'd do when he turned full-faced, when just his profile excited me
so much. Cynically I told myself that he'd be flawed when I saw all of
him, and maybe that's why he was taking such pains to keep most of his
face hidden in shadows. On and on he sat, half-turned away. Even so, he
radiated sensitivity, like an ideal romantic poet should-or did he seem
more a wild antelope, posed and still, listening, alert, ready to flee
if I moved too suddenly or too aggressively.

That was it, I decided. He was afraid of me! He didn't want me here. A
man like Tony would never have sat on and on. Tony would rise, smile,
take over the situation. This had to be a servant, a gardener, a
handyman.

From his very posture, the way he tilted his head a bit to. the side, I
knew he was waiting, perhaps even seeing me with peripheral vision. One
of his dark, thick eyebrows quirked upward quizzically, and still he
didn't move. Well, just let him sit there and wonder, for it gave me a
marvelous chance to study him.

Again he turned a little, his hammer posed to strike another blow, and
now I saw more of his face, and the fact that his nostrils were
quivering, flaring wider, even as I sensed he was breathing just as hard
and fast I as. Why didn't he speak? What was wrong with him? Was he
blind, deaf, what? His lips began to curve upward into a smile as he
brought down that tiny hammer and delicately Pounded on a thin sheet of
bright, silver metal-as if to remove from its shining surface small
indentations. Tap-tap-tap went his tiny hammer.

I began to tremble, feeling threatened by his unwillingness even to say
hello. Who was he to ignore me? What would Jillian do in my situation?
Certainly she wouldn't let this man intimidate her! But I was just a
hillbilly scumbag Casteel, and as yet I hadn't learned how to be
arrogant. I managed a slight artificial cough. Even then he was in no
hurry to turn around and make me feel welcome. I thought as I stood
there that he was the most unusual looking and acting young man I'd ever
seen. "Excuse me," I said in a low voice that tried to emulate Jillian's
whispery way. "I heard you hammering when I was lost in the maze. I'm
not sure I can find the right path back to the main house, it's so dark
and foggy outside."

I know you are not Jillian," he said without looking at me,\"or you
would be chattering on and on, telling me a thousand things I don't need
to know. And since you aren't Jillian, you don't belong here. I'm sorry,
but I am busy, and have no time to entertain uninvited guests." It
stunned me that he would so willingly drive me away---even before he
checked to see who it was. What kind of man was he? Look at me! I wanted
to scream. I'm not ugly, even if I am not Jillian! Turn your head and
speak, for in a moment I'll run and not 3 care if we ever meet again!
It was Logan I loved, not this stranger with his indifferent attitude!
Logan who would one day forgive me for something I couldn't have
prevented from happening.

A frown put furrows in his forehead. "Please go. Just turn around and
don't say a word."

No, I'm not going until you tell me who you are!"

Who are you to ask?"

First you tell me who you are."

Please, you are wasting my time. Go away now and let me finish what I'm
doing. These are private quarters, my quarters. Off limits to the
servants of Farthinggale Manor. Now scat!" He threw me a quick,
surveying glance that didn't linger on any feature or point of my figure
that other men stared at, before again I was presented with his back.

He took my breath away! It hurt to be scanned over, then tossed aside as
if unworthy of simple good manners. Stupid me and my hilly billy pride!
I'd always had too much pride. Pride that had made me suffer
unnecessarily many a time, when it would have been so much easier just
to let go of something that had no real value. And still that pride rose
high and indignant as it always did when someone like him looked down on
someone like me! I made myself dislike him. Nothing but a servant,
that's what. A hired hand put in a gardener's cottage to repair ancient
silver plate! And with the rush of that unlikely conclusion, I spat out
in a totally un-Ellian way: "Are you a servant?" I stepped closer to
force him to face me and really see me. "The gardener or one of his
hired hands?" His head was bowed to his work. "Please, you are in my
home, I am not in yours. I don't have to answer

r questions. Who I am is not important to you. Just get out and leave me
alone. You are not the first woman to say she's lost her way in the
maze, and they all end up here. There is a path that follows outside the
maze that will lead you back to where the maze begins. A child could
follow it-even in a fog." "You saw me coming. "I heard you coming." I
don't know what made me yell. "I'm not a servant here!" I flared in Pa's
and Fanny's loud country way, startling even myself. "Farthinggale Manor
is the home of my grand  my aunt and uncle, who asked me to come and
stay." And all the fears crouching in my mind told me to run, and run
fast.

This time when he faced me it was fully, so I saw and felt the full
impact of his masculinity as I'd never felt it radiate from any man
before. His dark eyes were hidden in shadows as they looked me over,
this tin fe slowly taking in my face, my throat, my heaving bosom, waist,
hips, legs, then back up again, slowly, slowly. And when his eyes had
again reached my face, they paused to gaze at my lips before they looked
long and deeply into my eyes. I felt drained before he moved his eyes,
which had gone slightly unfocused. I was affecting him, I could tell;
something he'd seen made his lips tighten, his hands clench. Turning
from me, he picked up that damned little hammer again, as if to continue
on and let nothing interfere with what he was doing! I cried out a
second time, my voice Casteel loud, Casteel angry: "Stop! Why can't you
be civil to me? This is my first day here and my ost and hostess have
gone to a dinner party and left alone with servants to entertain myself,
and I don't know what to do with myself. I need someone to

talk to-and they didn't tell me that anyone like you lived on the
grounds."

Like me? What do you mean by that?"

Young like you are. Who are you?"

I know who you are," he said, as if reluctant to speak at all. "I wish
you hadn't come. I didn't plan for us to meet. But it's not too late.
Just walk out the door with both hands stretched forward, and in fifty
steps you will collide with the hedge. Once you feel it before you, keep
your right hand on the hedge, let it trail along as you walk to the
left, and in no time at all you will be back at the big house., The
library has a nice selection of books, if you like to read. And there's
a TV there if you don't. And in the closet there are photograph albums
on the third shelf from the bottom. They should amuse you. And if all
else fails, the chef in the kitchen is very friendly and loves to talk.
His name is Ryse Williams, but we all call him Rye Whiskey."

Who are you?" I shouted, furious with him. "I really don't see what
difference it makes to you; however, since you keep insisting, my name
is Troy Langdon Tatterton. Your uncle' is my older brother."

You have to be lying!" I cried. "They would have told me you were here,
if you are who you say you are!"

I don't find it necessary to lie over trifles such as who I am. Perhaps
they don't even know I am here. After all, I am over twenty-one. I don't
send them advance notice when I come to my own cottage and workshop. Nor
do I tell them when I go." I floundered. "But  but, why don't you live
in the big house?" His smile shone briefly. "I have my reasons for

ng it better here. Do I have to explain them to you?y "But there are so
many rooms in that house, and this place is so small," I murmured, quite
embarrassed now, so much so I hung my head and felt totally miserable.
He was right, of course. I had made a jackass of myself. What right did
I have to pry into his reasons? This time he put his small hammer into a
special niche on the wall where other tools were placed in neat order.
His deep-set, serious eyes were sad, full of something I didn't
understand when they met mine. "What do you know about me?" My knees
folded and I sat automatically on a small sofa before the fire. He
sighed when he saw me do this, as if he would have liked for me to walk
out his door, but I didn't want to believe he really wanted that. "I
know only what your brother has told me.

And that's not too much. He said you are brilliant, and graduated from
Harvard when you were eighteen. He got up from the table and came to
sprawl in a chair across from mine and waved all that I'd said away as
if it were annoying smoke that ruined the atmosphere. "I have done
nothing important with my so-called brilliance, so I might as well have
been born with an IQ of fifty." My lips gaped open to hear him say
something so totally opposed to what I believed. When you had an
education, you had the world by its tail! "But you graduated from one of
the world's best universities!" At last I'd made him smile. "I see that
you are impressed. I'm glad. Now my education has gained some value, at
least seen through your eyes."

He made me feel young, naive-a fool. "What do you do with your
education except hammer on metal like any two-year-old?"

Touch ," he said with a grin that made him twice as appealing, and God
knows he already appealed to me enough.

I was ashamed to see how easily my physical side could vanquish my
intelligence. My anger flared against him. "Is that all you've got to
say?" I stormed. "In my own crude way I just tried to insult you." He
didn't even appear offended as he stood up and went back to the table
and picked up that irresistible little hammer again "Why don't you tell
me who I am?" I urged. "Give me my name, if you know so much."

In a moment, please," he said politely. "I've got many tiny suits of
armor to make for a very special collector who prizes this sort of
thing." He held up a bit of the silver shaped like an S. "These tiny
bits will have holes at either end eventually, and when they are fitted
one to the other with little bolts, the chain-link mail will move
freely, allowing the wearer to be very active, unlike the suits of
armor' that came later."

But aren't you a Tatterton? Don't you own that company? Why should you
waste your efforts on something others can do?"

You want to know so much! But I'll satisfy this question, because so
many others have asked the same thing. I like working with my hands, and
I have nothing better to do." Why was I being so hateful to him? He was
like some fantasy figure I'd created long ago, here in the flesh,
waiting for me to discover him, and now that I had, I was making him
dislike me.

 
ike Logan, who seemed strong and confident as the Rock of Gibraltar,
Troy seemed very vulnerable, like I was. He hadn't said one word to
chastise my ugly behavior, and yet I sensed he was hurt. He seemed a
violin strung too tightly, ready to twang at the least careless touch.

Then, when I didn't even try to interrupt what he was doing, he put away
his hammer and turned to smile at me winningly. "I'm hungry. Would you
accept my apology for being so rude and stay to have a snack with me,
Heaven Leigh CasteeIT' "You know. my name P' "Of course I know your
name. I have my eyes and ears, too. , Did  did Jillian tell you about
me?"

No. "Then who?" He glanced at his watch and seemed surprised by the
time. "Amazing. I thought only a few minutes had passed since I started
work this morning." His tone was apologetic. "Time slips by so quickly,
I'm always surprised at how the minutes race by, how soon the day is
over." His eyes glazed reflectively. "Of course you're right. I am
frittering away my life playing with what amounts to silver Tinkertoys."
His hands plowed through his hair and mussed the waves that had arranged
themselves neatly. "Do you ever think that life is too short That before
you've half finished what you have in mind, you're old and feeble and
the grim reaper is knocking at your door?" He couldn't be older than
twenty-two or three. "No! I never feel like that."

I envy you. I have always felt I was in a mad race with time, and with
Tony. " He smiled at me then,

quite taking my breath away. "All right, stay. Don't go. Waste my
time." Now I didn't know what to do. I longed to stay, yet I felt
embarrassed and frightened. "Oh, come now," he prodded,\"you've got what
you wanted, haven't you? And I'm harmless. I like to fool around in the
kitchen, though I can't take the time to do more than throw together
sandwiches. I don't have a set schedule to eat. I eat when I'm hungry.
Unfortunately, I burn up calories as fast as put them in, so I'm always
hungry. So, Heaven, in short order we will have our first meal
together." A meal was due to be served me this very moment in
Farthinggale Manor, and I forgot all about that in the excitement of
following this man into his kitchen, which resembled the kind of galley
they put on yachts, everything close and efficient. He set about opening
doors to whisk bread and butter on the table, lettuce, tomatoes, ham,
and cheese. Once he had what he wanted from the cupboards, he butted
doors closed with his forehead, since both of his hands were full, but
not before I had a chance to glimpse the contents. Every shelf was
packed neatly, and very full. He had enough food here to last five
Casteel children a year---eaten stingily. As he worked putting the
sandwiches together, not wanting my help and insisting be his guest,
sit, and do nothing but talk to entertain him, he appeared both
tentatively glad to have me and, at the same time, ill-at-ease and
self-conscious. I found it difficult to talk, so he suggested I set the
table. I did so quickly, then took the opportunity to have a better look
at the cottage. It was not so small, seen from the inside, as it had
appeared to be from the

si e. Ichad wings jutting out, leading to other rooms. A man's home,
sparsely furnished.

Setting the table put me at ease, as keeping busy had always done, so I
could turn and watch him without embarrassment. How odd to be here with
him like this, in an isolated cottage with darkness and fog shutting us
in, as if we were alone in the world. The fire behind me crackled and
spat, and sparks sizzled up the chimney. A flush heated my face. I felt
too hot and too vulnerable now that making sandwiches had given him
something to do. The busy person always seemed more in control than the
one watching. I gazed too long at his face, watching the play of the
fluorescent lights on his hair, stared too long at his body, astounded
at how responsive my body was just to the sight of him. I filled with
guilt and shame. How Could I feel this way about any man after what Cal
had done to me? I closed off my emotions, clamped down hard on them. I
didn't need any man in my life, not now! "Dinner is served, milady," he
called shyly, grinning at me. He pulled a chair for me and I sat before
he whipped off a white napkin to expose six sandwiches on the silver
platter. Six! Parsley, and radishes made to look like roses, garnished
the tray; nestled in parsley beds were deviled eggs, and circling around
were wedges of various cheeses, an assortment of different crackers, and
a silver bowl of shiny, red Apples. Polished apples. All this when he
had planned lo eat alone? y, back in the Willies we could have lived a
on all this food, Granny, Grandpa, Tom, Fanny, ith, Our Jane  all of us!

 Then he brought out two bottles of wine, one red, one white. Wine!
What Cal had ordered for me in fancy restaurants when I lived with him
and Kitty in Candlewick. And wine had fuzzed my brain and made me
accept what otherwise might have been avoided.

No! I couldn't afford to make another mistake. I jumped to my feet and
snatched up my co atv

"I'm sorry, but I can't stay," I said. "You didn't want me to know you
were here anyway  so I'll pretend that you aren't In a flash I was out
the door and racing toward the hedge in a night so black it was
frightening. The damp ground fog swirled about my legs, and far behind
me I heard him calling my name. "Heaven, Heaven." What a strange name my
mother had chosen to give me, I thought for the first time in my life.
Not a person, a place; then tears were in my eyes and I was crying.
Crying for no reason at all.

Four For Better or Worse

MUST WARN YOU," sAiD ToNY THE FOLLOWING MORNing at breakfast, while
Jillian was still upstairs sleep- "The maze is more dangerous than it
looks. If I  were you, I'd leave exploring to those who've had more
experience. e with that sort of thing." It was just a little after six,
and dawn was terribly Similar to twilight, but for the hot blueberry
muffins and the luscious spread of food on the buffet. The butler was in
his place, close to the array of food in silver dishes, ready to spring
into action to serve the two of us, who sat at a table that could have
seated eight. Unreality had me in a daze. This was the way I'd dreamed
it would be. The naive country girl I used to be hovered near my
shoulder, shivering with delight, enjoying everything ten times more
than did the girl I actually was now-suspicious, nervous, scared I'd do
something so gross neither Jillian nor Tony ld s for Troy, I planned wou
want to see me again. A never to go near him. He was too dangerous.

Tentatively, I tasted each delicious dish Curtis put before me, truly
the most wonderful breakfast I'd ever had in my life, and certainly the
most satisfying one. Why, with this kind of food inside of me, giving
energy, I could have run all the way to school. Then came the sarcastic
thought that maybe the food was so good only because I'd had nothing to
do with the preparation. And I'd have nothing to do with the cleaning-up
in the kitchen. "Curtis, we won't be needing you anymore," said Tony
suddenly. I'd convinced myself he was the most helpless man in the
world, unable to do one thing to wait on himself. He seemed to take a
curious delight in keeping Curtis always on edge, waiting for his slight
signals to do this or that. With the departure of the butler, Tony
leaned forward. "How do you like your breakfast?"

It's delicious," I answered with enthusiasm. "I never knew eggs could
taste so good."

My dear, you have just partaken of one of the delicacies of this world,
truffles." But I'd not seen anything resembling a truffle- whatever that
was. "Never mind," he said, when I stared down at what remained of my
eggs, smothered in sauce and served over thin, golden pancakes. "Now
it's time for you to tell me about yourself. Yesterday on our way here,
it seemed to me I saw something in your eyes that looked like anger. Why
did you look so indignant every time your father was mentioned?"

I didn't know that I did, I murmured, flushing and wanting to shout out
the truth, and at the same time afraid to say too much. His brother was
on my mind more than Pa; it was Troy I wanted to talk about And yet I
had to think of my plans, my dreams,

of Keith and -Our Jane's welfare, too. I knew the first step toward
their salvation was not to risk my own.

And, carefully at first, I began to construct a new childhood for
myself, built on half-truths; the only lies I told were those of
omission. "So you see, the woman who died from cancer was not my real
mother, but a foster mother named Kitty Dennison, who took care of me
when Pa was ill and I had no one else." He still sat as if in shock from
the news that my mother had died on the day I was born. His eyes turned
dull, sad. And then came anger, hard, cold, and bitter. "What are you
saying, that your father lied? How could a girl as young, strong, and
healthy as your mother die in childbirth if not from neglect? Was she in
a hospital? Good God almighty, women don't die giving birth in this day
and age! "She was very young," I whispered,\"perhaps too young to
undergo the ordeal. We lived in a fairly decent house, but Pa's
carpentry work was never steady. Sometimes our meals were not too
nourishing. I can't tell you if she went to a doctor for checkups, for
hill people don't believe much in doctors-they believe in taking care of
their own ailments. To be honest, old ladies like my granny were more
respected than those who had an office in town with an M.D. beside the
door." Was he going to turn against me, too, and for the same reason Pa
had? "I wish you wouldn't blame me for her death, like Pa does

His blue eyes swung to fix on the windows that soared up to the ceiling,
framed by deep, rose velvet wags lined with gold. "Why did you sit there
yester- and confirm your father's lies by keeping silent?"

---I was terrified that you would reject me if you knew I came from
such a pitifully poor background." His quick, cold anger surprised me,
and told me instantly this man was not another Cal Dennison, easy to
fool.

I hurried on, careless now of what kind of impression I was making. "How
do you think I felt when I heard that you and Jillian expected me just
for a visit? Pa had told me my grandparents were thrilled to have me
live with them. And then I learn it is only to be a visit! I have no
place to go now. There is nobody who wants me, nobody! I tried to figure
out why Pa lied like he did, thinking, perhaps, that you'd be more
concerned for my welfare if you thought me still in grief for my own
mother. And in a way I am still in grief for her. I've always missed not
knowing her. I wanted to do and say nothing that would change your
willingness to keep me, even for a short while. Please, Tony, don't send
me back! Let me stay! I don't have a home other than this one. My father
is very ill with some terrible nerve disorder that will kill him soon,
and he wanted to place me with my own mother's family before this world
sees the last of him." His sharp, penetrating gaze rested on me with
deep consideration. I cringed inside, so afraid my face would reveal my
lies. My towering pride was on its knees, ready to plead and cry and
thoroughly humble itself. I began to tremble all over. "This nerve
disease your father has, what did his doctors call it?" What did I know
about nerve diseases? Nothing! MY panicky thoughts raced, until I
brought to memory something I'd seen on TV once, back in Candlewick. A
sad movie. "A famous baseball player died of

once. I find the name of his particular nerve disorder hard to
pronounce." I tried not to sound too vague. "It's kind of like
paralysis, and it ends in death " He had his blue eyes narrowed now,
suspiciously.

 Be didn't sound a bit sick. In fact his voice was very strong. "All
mountain people have strong voices. You have to make yourself heard when
nobody minds interrupting. "Who is taking care of him now that your
granny is dead, and I believe you said your grandpa is senileT
"Grandpa's not really senile!" I flared. "It's just that he wants Granny
to be alive so much he pretends she's still with him. That's not crazy,
just necessary for someone like him'."

I would call pretending the dead are alive and talking to them, real
senility," he said, flatly and without emotion. "And I've already
noticed sometimes you call your father Daddy, other times Pa. why is
that?"

Daddy when I like him," I whispered. "Pa when I don't."

Ahh." He looked me over with more interest.

My voice sounded plaintive, as if I had Fanny's way of acting out a
role: "My father has always blamed me for my mother's death, and as a
result, I have never, felt comfortable with him, nor he with me. Still,
he would like to see me taken care of for my mother's sake. And Pa can
always find some adoring woman to devote herself to his needs until the
day he departs this world." The longest silence came as he considered my
information, seeming to turn it this way and that. "A

man who can command a woman's devotion even when he is dying cannot be
all bad, can he, Heaven? I don't know as there is anyone who would do
the same for me."

Jilliant" I hastily cried. "Oh, yes, Jillian, of course." Absently he
regarded me until I squirmed and grew hot. He was weighing me. judging
me, tallying up my assets and my liabilities. Forever and ever it seemed
to go on, even as he gave some small signal and Curtis appeared from
nowhere to clear the table, then disappeared. Finally. he spoke.
"Suppose you and I strike a bargain. We will not tell Jillian that your
mother died so long ago, for that information would hurt her too much.
Right now you have her believing that Leigh had seventeen years of
happiness with your father, and it seems a pity to tell her differently.
She is not very stable emotionally. No woman can be stable when her
entire happiness depends on staying young and beautiful, for it can't
last forever. But while she still has a hold on youth. fleeting as it
may well be, let's you and I do what we can to make her happy." His
piercing eyes narrowed before he went on. "If I give you a home, and all
that goes with it-the proper clothes and education, and so forth-I will
expect something in return. Are you willing to give what I will demand?"
Thoughtfully, with narrowed eyes, he waited as I stared at him. My first
thought was that I had won, I could tay! Then, as he watched me so
closely, I began to feel he was a huge, fat cat, and I was a lean church
mouse ready to be pounced on. "What will you demand?" His smile was
small and tight. Amused. "You are

'right to ask, and I'm glad you have a sense of reality.

Perhaps you have already found out for yourself that there is a price
that has to be paid for everything. I don't think anything I ask will be
unreasonable. First, I will demand complete obedience from you. When I
make decisions about your future, you will not argue about them. You
will accept without quibbling. I was very fond of your mother, and I am
sorry she is not alive, but I won't have you coming into my life to
bring about complications. Understand right now, if you cause me
trouble, or trouble for my wife, I will send you back from whence you
came without the slightest regret. For I will consider you an ungrateful
fool, and fools don't deserve a second chance." He opened his eyes and
gazed at me steadily. "To give you an idea of the decisions I will make
for you, let's begin with my selecting your school and the college you
will attend. I will also select your clothes. I despise the way girls
dress today, ruining the best part of their lives with shoddy, common
clothes and wild, uncared-for hair. You will dress as the girls dressed
when I went to Yale. I will supervise the books you read and the movies
you see. Not that I am going to be a prude, I just think when you fill
your mind with trash you smother those wonderful ideals and ideas most
of us have when we are young. I will have final approval of the young
men you date, and when you date them. I will expect you always to be
polite both to me and to your grandmother. Jillian will make her own
rules, I am sure. But right now I'm going to lay down a few. "Jillian
sleeps every day until noon, her beauty rest' she calls it. Don't ever
disturb her. Jillian does not like to be around dull and boring people,
so you

won't bring any into this house. Nor will you speak of any
unpleasantness in her presence. If you have lems, bring them to me
school or health or social prob ention the in private. It will be best
if you never m passing years, or refer to events in time. or sad stories
you read in the newspapers. Jillian has managed to condition herself
like an ostrich, sticking her head in the sand whenever other people's
problems anse. Let her play her little protective games. When it's
necessary, I will be the one to pull her head into the here and now  -
not you." I more than suspected, as i sat there at that long table, that
Townsend Anthony Tatterton was a ruth- less, cruel man who would use me,
just as he no doubt used Jillian for whatever purpose he saw fit.

Still, I had no intention of turning down his offer to keep me here and
to send me to college. My heart was racing happily toward that wonderful
day when I would have my master s degree-suddenly only that seemed
desirable.

Standing, I tried to find a voice that didn't quaver. "Mr. Tatterton,
all my life I have known my future lay here in Boston, where I can
attend the best schools and prepare myself for a life better than what
my mother found living in the hills of West Virginia. I want more than
anything to finish high school and go to an Ivy League college that will
give me pride in myself  I have a desperate need to feel proud of
myself. I want someday to go back to Winnerrow and to let everyone who
knew me when I was poor see just what I've become-but I will not
sacrifice my honor or my integrity to accomplish any of those things."
He smiled as if he thought me ridiculous to mention

to nor and integrity. "I am happy to hear you take those into
consideration, though I knew from your eyes that you would. Still, you
do expect a great deal from me. I ask only obedience from you."

It seems to me that a great deal lies beneath the surface of your single
demand."

Yes, perhaps," he agreed, smiling pleasantly. -You see, my wife and I
are influential in our own circles and we want nothing to mar our
reputations. Members of your family could show up here and be
embarrassing. I sense that your father and you are not loving, and at
the same time, you are protective of him and your grandfather. And from
what I already know about you, you adapt quickly. I suspect in the long
run you will soon be more Bostonian than I myself am, and I was born
here. But I want no hillbilly relatives of yours showing up, not ever.
Nor any of your former friends from West Virginia." Oh I That was asking
too much I I had planned, later on when I had won his confidence and
approval, to tell him the whole truth! Tell him all about Pa's having
had syphilis that terrible autumn when Sarah gave birth to a deformed
dead baby, and Granny died, and Sarah moved away and left her four
children and me in that mountain cabin to make do the best we could. And
then that horrible winter he'd sold us, sold all five of us for five
hundred dollars apiece! Sold us to people who abused us! And how could I
ever invite Tom here for a visit, or Fanny, much less Keith and Our
Jane?-when I found Keith and Our Jane "Yes, Heaven Leigh, I want you to
cut off your family ties, forget the Casteels, and become a Tatterton,
as your mother should have done. She ran . st once! Did iron, us. she
wrote only one time, Ju didn,t write anyone down there ever mention why
she home?" twanged. He was the one to know MY nerve ends Grandpa, or
even Pa! "How more than Granny or d with they know unless she told them
I asked would she never some resentment. From what I've heard, talked
about her home, except to say she came from Boston, and she was never
going back. MY granny guessed she was richq for she brought such pretty
clothes with her and a small velvet box of jewelry, and her manners were
so elegant. And for some reason didn t say a word about the portrait
bride doll she'd ttom of her single suitcase. hidden in the bo father
she was lever coming backT ---She told Your strange, tight voice that
showed he he asked in that was affected. Who did she tell that to -wish
she d go "Why I don't know. Granny used to back to where she came from,
before the hills killed her. leaning forward ---The hills killed herT he
asked, and staring at me hard. "I had presumed inadequate medical care
took her life." My voice took on intonations that reminded me of spooked
way she used to make me Granny, and the at there isn't anyone who can
live in feel. Some say they are born and bred there. our hills happily
unless th exPlaing There are sounds in the hills that no one can like
wolves howling at the moon, when naturalists say that gray wolves
disappeared long ago from our area. yet we all hear then'. We have bears
and bobcats and lions. and our hunters come back with tales mountain
wolves still live in of having seen evidence that gray we see the our
hills. it does nI matter whether or not

olves, not when the wind carries their howls and cries to wake us up at
night. We have all kinds of superstitions that I tried not to pay
attention to. Silly things like you've got to turn around three times
when you enter your home, so devils won't follow you inside. Still,
strangers who come to live in our hills fall sick easily, and sometimes
they never get well. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with them, and
still they fall into silence, lose their appetites, grow very thin. and
then death comes." His lips grew so tight and thin a white line
developed around them. "The hills? Is Winnerrow in the hills?"
Winnerrow is in a valley, what the hill folks call a holler.' I tried all
my life not to talk as they do. But the valley isn't any different from
the hillsides. Time stands still back there, on the hills, in the
valley, and not in the way it does for Jillian. People grow old quickly,
too quickly. Why, my granny never had a powder puff, much less put
polish on her nails."

Don't tell me any more," he said somewhat impatiently. "I've heard
enough. Now why in the world would a smart girl like you want to go back
there?"

For my own reasons," I said stubbornly, lifting my head and feeling the
tears sting behind my eyes. I couldn't tell him how I wanted to lift up
the name of Casteel and give it something it had never had before
-respectability. For my granny I'd do this, for her.

So I stood and he sat. For an eternally long time he sat with his
elegant, well-manicured hands templed under his chin, saying nothing,
and then he lowered those hands and drummed a mindless beat on the crisp
white breakfast cloth, and on my nerves. "I've always admired honesty,"
he said at length, his blue 3 and unreadable. "Honesty is always the
eyes calm or not a lie best garnble when You don't know whether er. At
least you get to state your will serve you bett il, you can keep your
integrity. case, and if you fa He flashed me a brief, amused smile.
---About three years after your in other ran from here, the detective
agency I hired to find her finally traced her to Winnerrow. They were
told she lived outside of the city limits, and those who were born or
those who died in the county didn't often make it to the city records.
But many residents Of Winnerrow remembered a pretty young girl who
Married Luke Casteel. My detective even tried to find her grave for a
record of the day she died. but he never found a grave with her name on
the headstone  but long ago I knew she was never coming back. She made
good her word " Were they tears I saw in his eyes? Had he loved her in
his own way? "Can you truthfully say she loved your father, Heaven?
Please, think this question over well. t s important.--- How was I to
know anything about what she felt, except what I'd always heard Yes, so
Granny had said, she had loved him-because he never showed her his
cruel, hateful side! ---Stop asking me about her!" I cried, harassed to
the point of breaking. "All MY life the blanie for her death has been
put on my head, and now I think you're trying to put something else
there as well! Give me my chance, Tony Tatterton! I'll be obedient. I'll
study hard. I'll make you proud of me.

What was it he heard in my voice that made his head bow into his
cradling hands? I wanted him to hate Pa for killing her just as much as
I did. I wanted

 MIC forgive me. He'd realize I had been a victim of circumstances

Just as Keith and Our Jane were victims. My teeth came down on my lower
lip. Life offered very few chances such as he was extending to me. Here
in this big house, with his business in town to take him away often,
we'd seldom see each other. And I didn't need Troy Tatterton in my life,
not when one day soon I'd see Logan again. "IV stay. I agree to your
conditions." He gave me his first really warm smile. "Good. I knew you'd
make the right choice. Your mother made the wrong one when she ran. Now,
to simplify what might puzzle you, and make it unnecessary for you to go
snooping, Jillian is sixty years old, and I am forty.

Jillian was sixty! And Granny had been only fifty-four when she died,
and she had looked ninety! Oh God, the pity of that was numbing. Still,
I didn't know what to do or say, and my heart was thudding fast and
furiously. Then came the relief, flooding over me, inundating me so I
could breathe, relax, and even manage a tremulous smile. It would work
out all right in the end. Someday I'd put Tom, Fanny, Keith, and Our
Jane together again, under my very own roof. But that could wait until I
had a strong, educated grasp on the future. "Winterhaven has a waiting
list yards long, but I'm sure I can pull a few strings and get you in;
that is, if you are a good student. You will have to take a test to
establish your grade level. Girls all over the world want to attend
Winterhaven. You and I will go shopping together and leave Jillian to
her own affairs.

 
rin clothes, coats, boots, hats, You'llneed extra wa gloves, robes,
the works. You will be representing the Tatterton family, and we have
set certain standards you must live up to. You'll need an allowance so
you can entertain your friends, and buy whatever your heart desires.
You'll be well taken care of." I had fallen into a bewitched state,
caught up in this charming fantasy of riches, where I could buy anything
I wanted, and the college education that had always been so far out of
reach was suddenly close, within grasp. "This woman Sarah that you
mentioned, the girl your father married shortly after Leigh died, what
was she like?" Why did he want to know that? "She was from the hills.
She was tall, and raw-boned, and her hair was bright auburn, and her
eyes were green.3 "I don't care what she looked like, what was she
like?"

I loved her until she turned against  and I started to say "us" before I
stopped abruptly. "I loved her until she ran off because she found out
Pa was dying." you must strike the name of Sarah from your lips and your
memory. And hope never to see her again."

I don't know where Sarah is," I hastily said, feeling strangely guilty,
wanting to defend Sarah, who had tried, even though she had failed
"Heaven, if there's one thing I've learned in forty years, it's the fact
that bad seeds have a way of turning up. I stared at him with
forebodings. "One more time, Heaven. When you become a member of this
family, you have to give up your past.

 
Any friends you may have made there. Any cousins or aunts or uncles. You
will set your goals higher than being just another schoolteacher who
buries herself in the mountains where nothing will improve until those
people decide they want to improve. You will live up to the standards of
the Tattertons and the VanVoreens, who do not turn out average citizens,
but exceptional ones. We commit ourselves, not only in words, but in
deeds, and that means both sexes." What kind of man was he to demand so
much? Cold, mean, I thought, trying very hard to conceal my true
feelings, even as I wanted to stomp and rage and tell him just what I
thought of such cruel restrictions.

And I guessed, or so I thought at the time, just what had made my mother
run away. This ruthless, demanding manT Then,'like the true scumbag
Casteel I was, a slithering, sneaky thought squirmed through my brain.
Even Tony Tatterton couldn't read, my thoughts. He wouldn't know what
letters I wrote to Tom and Fanny. He wanted to be a dictator, well let
him want. I would play my own game.

Humbly I bowed my head. "Anything you say, Tony." And with my back
straight and my head held high I headed up the stairs. Bitter thoughts
kept time with my steps. The more things changed, the more they stayed
the same. I was unwanted, even here.

 
Five nterhaven THE VERY NEXT DAY ToNY TOOK OVER MY UFE AS IF neither I
nor Jillian had anything at all to say about it. He set schedules for
every minute of my day and stole some of the thrill I might have
experienced if he'd have gone more slowly toward creating a princess out
of a scullery maid. I needed time to adjust to having servants at my
beck and call; time to learn my way about a house almost as complicated
in design as the maze outside. I didn't like Percy drawing my bath and
laying out my clothes, leaving me no decisions to make.. I didn't like
the order that clearly stated I was not to use the telephones to call
anyone in my family. "No," he said forbiddingly, looking up from his
study of the stock market page,\"you don't need to say goodbye to Tom
again. You told me you'd already done that." I felt stunned by events
that happened too quickly to control, and when I murmured a few words of
complaint, he stared at me with astonishment. "What do you mean, I move
too fast? It's what you want,

 C It's what you came for, isn't it? Well, now you have what you've
dreamed about, the best of every thing. You'll have to begin school
right away. And if you think I am sweeping you along in a tidal current,
that's what life is all about. It's not my way to tread slowly, or
carefully, and if you and I are to establish a nice rapport, my way had
better become your way." When he smiled, and looked me over, I tried not
to feel resentful.

While Jillian slept the mornings away and spent another few hours behind
closed doors performing her "secret beauty rituals," Tony drove me to
small shops where clothes and shoes cost small fortunes. Not once did he
ask the prices of sweaters, skirts, dresses, coats, boots, anything! He
signed sales slips with the debonair air of one who would never run out
of money. "No," he said, when I whispered it would be nice to have
colored shoes to match all the outfits. "Black, brown, bone, blue, and
one pair of gray-an dred shoes is enough variety in colors, until you
need summer white. I'll leave unsatisfied some of your desires. No one
should realize every dream all at once. We live on dreams, you know, and
when there are none, we soon die." Darkness clouded the clear blue of
his eyes. "I made the mistake once of giving too much, too soon, holding
back nothing. Not this time. " We drove home that early evening with the
back seat loaded down with parcels, enough clothes for three girls. He
didn't seem to realize that already he'd given too much, too soon. I,
who had dreamed of beautiful, expensive clothes all my life, was
overwhelmed. And still he didn't think I had enough. But then, he was
comparing my closets with Jillian's.

It hurt many times the way Jillian either ignored me completely or
gushed over me with enthusiasm; I was never comfortable in her presence.
Often I had the sense that she wished I'd never showed up. At other
times I'd see her sitting quietly on her bedroom sofa, playing one of
her eternal solitaire games, and from time to time she'd glance my way.
"Do you play cards, Heave nT Eagerly I jumped to the challenge, happy
that she wanted to spend time with me. "Yes, a long time ago a friend
taught me how to play gin rummy." That friend had also given me a
brand-new pack of Bicycle cards "borrowed" from. his father's pharmacy
store. "Gin rummy?" she asked in a vague way, as if she'd never heard of
the game. "That's the only game you play TY "I learn quickly!" She
started that very day to teach me how to play bridge, which was her
favorite game. She explained the points of each face card, gave me
detailed instructions on how many points you needed to open, and how
many you needed to respond to your partner's opening bid; it wasn't long
before I realized I'd have to buy a book on bridge and study it in
private, for Jillian went much too fast.

But she was enjoying teaching me, and for an entire week she gloated
every time I lost. Then came that telling day when we were seated behind
our little computerized game board that would play with one, two, or
three players or none at all-it would play against itself , and to
Jillian's complete chagrin, I won. "Oh, you were just lucky!" she cried
out, her hands rising to her face to press her cheeks together.

 
lunch, we'll play another game and see who w,, S then. Jillian was
beginning to need me, to want me, to M' me. This was the very first time
I'd eaten any meal but dinner, served in the dining room. ji re was one
of the richest women in the world, and ly one of the most beautiful, and
she lunched on tiny cucumber or watercress sandwiches and sipped
champagne. > "But it's not a healthy, nutritious lunch, or even filling,
JillianP' I exclaimed after our third lunch together. "Quite honestly,
even after I eat six of your tiny sandwiches, I'm still hungry, and I
don't really care for champagne." -Her delicate eyebrows rose as if in
exasperation. "What kind of food do you and Tony eat when you lunch
togetherT' "Oh, he lets me have anything on the menu. In fact he
encourages me to try foods I've never tasted before. "

He indulges you, just like he indulged Leigh." She sat for long moments
with her head bowed over her dainty meal, and then waved her hand, as if
in dismissal. "If there is one thing that really disgusts me, it's to
see a young girl eat with a ravenous appetite-and do you realize,
Heaven, that's the only way you know how to eat? Until you can control
your need for so much food, I think it best that you and I never eat
lunch together again. And when we are in the dining room, I will make an
effort to pay as little Attention as possible to your dining habits."
Jillian was as good as her word. She never asked me to play bridge with
her again. We never shared 3 another luncheon, and when we were seated
in their elegant dining room with Tony, she addressed all her remarks to
him. And if out of pure necessity she had to say something to me, she
didn't turn her head my way. Because I wanted so much to please her, I
tried to turn down second and third helpings, and I even made my first
servings very small. Now I was hungry all the time, so I took to
stealing to the huge kitchen, where Ryse Williams, the stout black chef,
welcomed me into his domain. "Why girl, you are just like your mother,
sweet Jesus, I never saw a girl so much like her mother--even if your
hair is dark." In that gleaming kitchen, with copper pans and thousands
of kitchen tools I'd never seen before, I spent many an hour listening
to Rye Whiskey and his tales of the Tattertons, and though I tried many
a time to force him to talk of my mother, he always grew uncomfortable
and busied himself with his cooking when I asked. His smooth, brown face
would go blank, and very quickly he'd change the subject. But one day,
one day soon, Rye Whiskey was going to tell me everything he knew-for
already I suspected from his expressions of shame and embarrassment that
he knew a great deal.

In the privacy of my bedroom I wrote to tell Tom all about it. So far
I'd written him three letters and had warned him not to reply until I
could send him a "safe" address. It hurt me to imagine what he had to be
thinking. In those letters I described Farthinggale Manor, Jillian, and
Tony, but I didn't say a word about Troy. Troy was naggingly on my mind.
Too much on my mind. I wanted to see him again, and was afraid to see
him again. I had a thousand questions ton about his brother, but Tony scowled each time I approached the subject
of the man who lived in the cottage beyond the maze. Wice I tried to
talk about Troy to Jillian, who turned her head and waved her hand,
dismissing the subject. "Oh, Troy! He's not -:,, interosting. Forget
him. He knows too much about everything else to appreciate women. " And,
while I thought too much about Troy, I decided it was time to write the
most difficult letter, to the one who truly belonged in my future, to
find out if he'd let me back in his again.

But how did I write to someone who had once loved and trusted me, and
now no longer did? Did I ignore what had brought about the end of our
long relationship? Should I discuss it openly? No, no, I decided, I had
to see Logan and watch his expression before I went into more detail
about Cal Dennison.

Fmially I managed a few words that didn't seem adequate.

Dear Logan, g At last I am living with my mother's family as I always
hoped to do. Soon I will be attending a ys girls' private school called
Winterhaven. If you have anyfeelingsfor me left, and Ihope and pray you
do, then please try to forgive me. Andperhaps W n start over. e ca
Fondly, Heaven

"The return address I put on the envelope was the t office box I had
secretly opened the day before, the Tony purchased clothes for himself
in the shop n the street. I chewed the end of my pen thought-

fully before I finally put that single small sheet into its envelope,
with a small prayer. Logan, with all his strength and fidelity, could
save me from so much if he would, if he still cared enough.

The very next day I had a chance to mail my letters.

I told Tony I needed to use the ladies' room, then I dashed out of the
store's side door and ran to drop my letters in a mailbox. There, I
sighed with relief. I'd made contact with my past. My forbidden past.

Then back again to Farthy, which was beginning to seem like home, now
that I had possessions I could call my own. I was up early each morning
to swim with Tony in the indoor pool, and after drying off and changing
my clothes, I'd eat breakfast with him, already I had grown accustomed
to Curtis the butler, so I could ignore his presence almost as well as
Tony did-until I needed something. I saw very little of Jillian, who
wasted half her day in her room before she came flitting out, looking
gorgeous, on her way to her hairdresser or some luncheon party where I
hoped she ate more substantial meals than tiny sandwiches with champagne

As for Tony, soon after breakfast he left for Boston to conduct his
business at the Tatterton Toy Corporation. Sometimes he'd call from his
city office and invite me to lunch in an elegant restaurant, where I
felt like a princess. I loved the way people turned to stare at us, as
if we were father and daughter. Oh, Pa, if only you'd had half the
manners Tony displayed as second nature.

Then came the hard days, the surprising days, when I had to drive off
with Tony early each morning, while he was on his way to work, and he'd
let me out in front of a tall and forbidding-looking office building

I was to take tests that I would have to pass even to be admitted to
Winterhaven. "The first tests will get you in to Winterhaven," Tony
explained,\"the others will determine whether or not you will qualify
for the best universities. I am expecting you to receive > h scores,
not merely average ones." I sat one evening in Jillian's room watching
her put on makeup, wishing I could talk to her as a mother, or even a
grandmother, but the moment I brought up the difficult tests I'd taken
that day, she flung her right hand out impatiently. "For God's sake,
Heaven, don't bore me with talk of school! I hated school, and it was
all Leigh could talk about. I don't know what difference it makes
anyway, when beautiful girls like you are so quickly snatched off the
market they seldom have use for what brains they have." My eyes widened
with shock when she said this what century did Jillian five in, anyway?
Both parents worked in most marriages nowadays. Then, looking Jillian
over again with more perception, I guessed she had always believed her
good looks would win her a lortune-and so they had. And furthermore,
Heaven, when finally you enter t hateful school, try never to bring home
any nds you might make there---or if you feel you have lease warn me at
least three days in advance so In ake other plans for myself." I sat
silent and stunned and deeply hurt. "You are MA , ,,."xi ever going to
let me be part of your life, are you?" ked in a pitifully small voice.
"Mlen I lived in the il lies I thought when finally I met you, my
mother's other, that you would love me, and need me, and t us t o be a
close, loving family." How oddly she looked at me, as if at some circus

I I'm stayingT' I asked that keeping my eyes on the ceiling. "No. With
Jillian you don't have to be specific or give detailed explanations. Her
attention span is short. She has her own thoughts. We are just going to
let it happen." Tony leaned back and templed his hands under his chin.
By this time I knew this was his body language to show he was in control
of the situation. "Jillian will get used to seeing you around, to having
you come and go on the weekends, just as you're getting used to hearing
the surf pound on the shore. Bit by, bit you'll seep into her days, into
her consciousness. You'll win her with your sweetness, with your
eagerness to please her. Just never forget you are not in competition
with her. Give her no reason whatever to think you are mocking her
attempts to fool everyone about her age. Think before you speak, before
you act. Jillian has a whole entourage of friends who know how to play
the ageless' game as well as she does, but she's the champion player, as
you'll find out. I've written this list of her friends and their spouses
and children, also their hobbies and likes and dislikes. Study it well.
Don't be too eager to please. Be clever and compliment them only when
they deserve it. If they talk about subjects you know nothing about,
keep your silence and listen attentively. You'd be amazed how much
people like a good listener. Even though you might not say one
meaningful thing, if you ask the right questions, such as tell me more,'
they Will. consider you a brilliant conversationalist." He rubbed his
palms together, looking me over again from head to, toe. "Yes, now that
you have the right clothes, you'll be accepted. Thank God you

have one of those awful country dialects to t he was making me panic
with his long list of s friends, who represented hurdles I had to It
seemed every word he spoke took me farther ft her away from my brothers
and sisters. Were r going to be lost to me now that I'd gained a w-I W
kind of stable ground for myself Neither M nor Tom could pass for
friends I made here in ton, not with their broad country dialect. Then s
me, I could be triggered into doing some ere wa wrong, if I were made to
feel too vulnerable. ere was only one person from my past who Rul n't
raise Tony's suspicions, and that was Logan.

an, with his strong, clean-cut good looks, and his steadfast eyes. But
Logan was not the kind to to play deceitful games about where he came He
was a Stonewall, and proud to be a Stonenot ashamed as I was of my
surname, and my tage. hy was watching me. I squirmed in the wing 'Now
before Jillian comes down and interrupts talk of where she's going and
what she's wearing, y this map of the city. Nfiles will. drive you on ay
mornings to school, and he or I will pick you ach Friday afternoon about
four. Later, when you f age, you can drive yourself to and from. What
of car would you like, say for your eighteenth dayT' so thrilled me to
think of owning my own car, I red and was unable to answer for a full
minute. be grateful for any kind you want to give me," I spe red.

"Oh, come now. Your first automobile is a big event, let's make it
special. Between now and then, think about it. Watch the cars on the
streets. Stop into car dealerships and do some window-shopping. Learn to
be discriminating, and most of all, develop your own style. Be yourself
with flair." I didn't have the least idea what he meant; still, I'd take
his advice and try to be "discriminating." While I sat on, still
thrilled about that day when I'd have my own car, he spread the city map
on the desk. "Here is Winterhaven," he said, putting his finger on a
spot he'd encircled with red ink. "And here is Farthy." The hard clack
of Jillian's heels could be heard on the marble stairs. Tony began to
fold the map. He had it in the drawer by the time she was at the library
door. Her perfume preceded her into the room.. h, how worldly and
confident she appeared as she breezed in, smiling at me, smiling at
Tony, wearing her black wool crepe suit trimmed with a mink collar and
cuffs. From beneath her jacket peeked a black chifion blouse that
glittered. In contrast to all this darkness Jillian's fairness was
dazzling to behold. She seemed a diamond set against black velvet.

Perhaps I inhaled too deeply, allowed myself to be too impressed. The
sweet waft of her flowery perfume not only filled my nostrils, it seemed
to invade my lungs, so that I gasped, almost choked, before I began a
violent paroxysm of coughs that racked me and flushed my face with hot
blood. "Why are you coughing, Heave nT she asked, whipping around to
stare at me with wide-eyed alarm. "Are you coming down with a cold? The
flu? If you are, please don't come near me! I hate being sick! And I'm
not good with sick people, they make me

never know what to do or what to say. never been sick a day in my life
except when X M was born.

 q;        ving birth isn't considered an illness, Jill," ed Tony in a
mild, patient voice.

 d risen to his feet when she came in. I hadn't W n men did that for
their wives in their own "O ffies I was so impressed I shivered with the
thrill of with people who had such elegant manners. You look absolutely
stunning, Jillian," said Tony. ere is no color more flattering to you
than black." Apparently Jillian liked what she was seeing in his She
forgot about my germs and turned to him. ppean ng to glide, she entered
the embrace he , d, and tenderly she reached to cup his face en her
gloved hands. "Oh, darling, where does e go? It seems you and I see so
little of one r. Every time I want you lately, you're not oon Christmas
will be making demands on us, ready I'm tired of winter, and planning
par Her hands slipped from his face and she was racing him around the
waist. "I love you so much, ng, and want you all to myself. Wouldn't it
be erful to have another honeymoon? Please do try figure out a way for
us to escape the tedium and ry of staying in this hatefully cold house
until uary. " She kissed him twice, and then went on softly,\"Troy can
take care of the business end,\"t he? You are always raving about his
genius for work, so give him his chance to prove himself." was strange
how my heartbeats quickened when mentioned Troy's name, and at the same
time I > ted to scream out my protest. They had to stay! couldn't leave
me here alone, to spend the 3 holidays in some strange school, with
students I didn't even know! And all of what she was doing to Tony
brought back Kitty, who had known exactly how to wrap her husband Cal
around her fingers! Were all men so acutely tuned to their sexual lives
that they lost control of common sense when a beautiful woman flattered
them? Oh, it was true, Tony didn't seem like the same man who had
templed his fingers under his chin only moments ago. He was studying her
with soft intensity, and in some subtle, mysterious way she'd managed to
gather his reins, and now she was in control. It scared me, that easy
way she had of getting what she wanted from him. I see what can be
done," he said idly, plucking from the shoulder of her suit a long,
blond hair. Very carefully he dangled it over a wastebasket before he
let it fall. And in this small act, I realized no woman would ever
control Tony-he'd just allow them to think they did.

He pulled gently away from her hands, which clung to his lapels. "Heaven
and I plan to finish our school clothes shopping this afternoon. It
would be very pleasant if you came along with us, and we could make a
day of it, dinner tonight and then the theater or a movie "Ohhh," she
murmured, her eyes melting when they met his,\"I don't know "Certainly
you know."' he said. "Your friends can do without you. After all, you've
known them for years. and Heaven is yet a secret to unfold." Instant
mortification was Jillian's. Her blue eyes swung to me, as if I'd
completely faded from her memory. "Oh dear, I've been neglecting you,
haven't Why didn't one of you tell me in time? I'd really

V you and Tony, but I thought to go shopping with U'd finished, and I
made my plans. Now it's too late cancel. And if I don't show up at my
bridge club pse catty women will rip me to shreds, and they It o that
when I'm there. She started to come d and kiss me, but just in time she
remembered coughs. She froze and for a second seemed by something. My
long mass of hair, which -was difficult to control, drew her critical
attention. You could use a good hairstylist," she murmured -,,",,"."',
bsently, bowing her head to delve deep into her rse She came up with a
small card. "Here, love, is the man you need. He's a genius with hair.
Mario, ---the only person I allow to touch mine She glanced a wall
mirror, raising her hand to touch her hair "Never go to a woman stylist;
men are so more appreciative of a woman's beauty and to know just what
to do to enhance it." Ahought of Kitty Dennison, who had owned and naged
a beautysialon. Kitty had considered herself best anywhere, and in my
poor opinion, she had en very skilled. However, Kitty's strong, auburn
seemed coarse as a horse's tail compared ton's silken tresses. Smiling,
Jillian threw Tony another kiss before she d through the door, humming
that same mind tune that showed she was happy. hadows deep and dark were
in Tony's eyes as he te red to a window to watch her drive off with es.
the good-looking young chauffeur. "While his back was still toward me,
he began: "One the things I like best about winter is the snow, and I
was thinking when the season was on, I could ch you how to ski, and I'd
have a companion.

 
Jillian doesn't care for strenuous exercise that could break her bones
and give her pain. Troy likes to ski, but he's always occupied with his
own comings and goings.3 I waited with hated breath for him to say more.
He dropped the subject of Troy and went back to Jillian. "Jillian
disappointed me in her lack of enthusiasm for anything out of doors.
When I first met her, she used to pretend to like golf and tennis,
swimming and football. She'd wear the cutest little tennis dresses,
although she's never had a racket in her hand, and wouldn't dream of
chasing a ball and making herself sweaty. At that particular moment the
vision of Jillian in her black suit was so luminous I couldn't blame her
for not wanting to spoil her frail perfection, which certainly couldn't
last forever. I wouldn't doubt, or fear, I'd just cling to the dream
that had to come true  and if I believed hard enough, one day Jillian
would really look at me, and her eyes would really smile to say she'd
forgiven me for ending the life of my mother

Two weeks after I arrived in Boston I was enrolled in Winterhaven. I had
not seen Troy again, but I was thinking of him when Tony opened the car
door for me and broadly motioned toward the elegant school that was
Winterhaven, nestled snug in its own small campus of bare winter trees
with evergreens relieving the bleakness. The main building was white
clapboard, gleaming in the early afternoon sunshine. I had expected a
stone building, one of brick, not this kind. "Tony," I exclaimed.
"Winterhaven looks like a church!"

Did I forget to mention it used to be a churchT' he d with laughter in
his eyes. The bells in the tower there will chime for each passing hour,
and at ilight tw, they play melodies. Sometimes it seems when " the
wind is right that those bells can be heard through- "Out Boston.
Imagination, I presume." was impressed with Winterhaven, by the bell
well, the array of smaller buildings in the same style the larger one.
"You will study Englishand litera- "e in Beecham Hall," informed Tony,
gesturing to The white building to the right of the main one. "All
buildings have names, and as you can see, the dings form a half circle.
I've heard there is an er ground passageway that connects the five
ings-to use on the days When snow makes ng difficult. You'll be staying
in the main build that houses the dorms and the dining rooms, and
assemblies are held there as well. When we enter, girl there will look
you over and form hern, so hold your head high. Don't give them any a
that you feel vulnerable or inadequate or in timi- d. The VanVoreen
family dates back to Plymouth y this time I knew VanVoreen was a Dutch
name, A clent and honorable one  but I'd never been ue VanVoreen, only a
scumbag Casteel from West nia. My background dragged behind me, casting
shadows to darken all my future. All I had to do make one mistake and
those girls with their C background would scorn me for what I was. d
every inadequacy I'd ever felt was mine began to kle my skin and heat my
blood so I felt so anxious as sweaty. I had on too many clothes, layers
of new lies, a blouse and a caehmere sweater over that, a

have the granddaughter of Cleave VanVoreen attending our school." She
winked at Tony in a conspiratorial way. "Don't worry, dear, I'll keep
your identity secret, and not tell a soul about who you really are. I
just have to say your grandfather was a fine man. A gift to all of us
who knew him." And in her motherly arms I was hugged briefly before she
put me from her and looked me over. "I met your mother once when Mr.
VanVoreen brought her here and enrolled her. I'm very sorry she's with
us no longer."

Now let's proceed with the next step," urged Tony, glancing at his
watch. "I have an appointment in half an hour, and I want to see Heaven
to her room." It felt good to have him at my side as we ascended the
steep stairs, our footfalls cushioned by a dark green carpet runner. The
stern and forbidding faces of former teachers fined the wall, drawing my
astonished eyes from time to time. How cold they all looked, how Puritan
and how alike their eyes, as if they could see, even now, all the evil
in everyone that passed. Behind us, in fact all around us, the faint and
smothered giggles of many girls drifted. Yet when I looked behind me, I
could see no one. "Here we are!" called Helen Mallory brightly, flinging
open the door to a lovely room. The best room in the school, Miss
Casteel. Selected for you by your uncle.' I want you to know very few of
our students can afford a private room, or even want a private room, but
Mr. Tatterton insisted. Most parents think young girls don't want
privacy from their peers, but apparently you do." Tony stepped inside
the room, and from one thing to the other he went, pulling open dresser
drawers, checking the large closet, sitting in both of the lounge

chairs before he settled down at the student desk and smiled at me.
"Well, will it do, Heave nT "It's wonderful," I whispered, quite
overwhelmed to see all the empty bookshelves that I hoped soon to fill.
"I didn't expect a room of my own."

Nothing but the best," he joked. "Didn't I promise you that?" He
stood, strode swiftly toward me, and leaned to kiss my cheek. "Good
luck. Work hard.

you need anything call my office, or call me at I've told my secretary
to put your calls "through. Her name is Amelia." And then he pulled ut
his wallet, and to my utter amazement, he put -dollar bills in my hand.
"For pin veral twenty

 they. ,,,I stood there clutching the money, watching him, de out the
door. To my surprise, my heart sank and , stomach went queasy. Once
Helen Mallory knew py was out of earshot, her expression lost its ness.,
her motherly ways abandoned and with -eyed calculation she looked me
over, weighed measured me, guessed at my character, my aknesses, my
strengths; judging from her twisted ss ion she found me wanting. It
shouldn't have ked me, yet it did. Even her low, soft voice ened and
became loud. Ye expect our students excel academically and to abide by
our rules, which very strict." She reached and quite matter-of-, ly took
the money from my hand and quickly ed the bills. "I'll put this in our
safe for you, and can have it on Friday. We don't like for our girls
have cash in their rooms that someone can steal. c possession of money
creates many problems." two hundred disappeared in her pocket. "When the
bells ring at seven each weekday mom-

ing, you are to rise and dress as quickly as possible. if you bathe or
shower the night before, you won't have to do it in the morning.
-suggest you form that habit. Breakfast is at seven-thirty on the main
floor. There will be signs to guide you to your various destinations. "
She pulled a small card from a slit pocket in her dark wool skirt and
handed it to me. "Here are your class assignments. I myself arranged
your schedule, but if you find it difficult to follow, let me know. We
don't play favorites here. You will have to earn the respect of your
teachers and your classmates. There is an underground passageway that
connects all of our buildings one to the other. You are to use this
underground tunnel only on days when the weather is inclement.
Otherwise, you will walk outside where the fresh air will improve your
lungs. You arrived here during the lunch hour, and your guardian said
he'd see that you ate your lunch before you arrived." She paused,
staring at the top of my head while she waited for my confirmation.

Only when she had it did she turn to stare at twelve pieces of very
expensive luggage. I thought I saw contempt on her face---or envy, I
couldn't tell which. "At Winterhaven we do not flaunt our wealth by
wearing ostentatious clothes. I hope you will keep this in mind. Until a
few years ago all our students had to wear uniforms. That made
everything very simple. But the girls kept protesting, and the patrons
of our school agreed with them, so now they wear what they please."
Again her eyes swung to me, remote and cautious. "Lunch is served at
twelve for those in the lower two grades, and at twelve-thirty for the
remaining students. You are expected to be on time for all meals, or you
will not be served. A table has been

gned to you, and you will not change your seating ",;,-' unless the
occupants at another table invite you to Q join them, or you invite them
to your table. Dinner is six. and the same rules apply. Each student is
expected to wait the tables for one week each se mes- We rotate the
service, and most students find it not unpleasant." She cleared her
throat so she could continue. "We do not expect our girls to hoard food
in their Wrooms, or to hold secret midnight parties. You are allowed to
own a radio or stereo or cassette player, t not a television set. If you
are caught with liquor, that includes beer, you will be given a demerit.
ee demerits in one semester and you will be missed, and only one quarter
of the tuition will bended Study hour is from seven to eight. From lit
to nine you may watch television in our rec rea- room. We do not
supervise your reading materithough we deplore pornography, and we will
give merit if we find you with the more obvious printed Some of our
girls enjoy playing games such as or backgammon'. We do not allow our
girls to ble. If money is found on a gaming table, all icipants in that
game will be punished and given ents. Oh, did I forget to say that all
demerits are mpanied by one form of punishment or another. devise the
punishment to suit the crime." Her e went from, sour to warm. "I do hope
it will never cessary to punish you, Miss Casteel. And lights- "is at
ten sharp." shed, she spun on her heel and left the room. d she hadn't
shown me where the bathroom was! W e minute she was out of sight, I
began my check the bathroom by testing the door she hadn't used.

 3 It was locked. I sat down to read the small class assignment card.
Eight o'clock, English class, in Elmhurst Hall. And then I desperately
needed the bathroom.

All my bags I left on the floor of my private room as I took off down
the hall, looking for signs. The titters and giggles I'd heard before
were gone. I felt totally alone on the second floor. I tried three halls
before finally I saw a small brass plaque reading "Lavatory." With
relief I opened the swinging door and stepped inside a huge room where
white sinks lined an entire wall, with mirrors above them. The floor was
of black-and-white tile. The walls were light gray, softening all that
black and white, and when I came out of one of the stalls, I took the
time to look it over. Twelve bathtubs were in another compartment, one
beside the other. In yet another compartment were shower stalls without
doors, all but one. Behind glass doors were shelves where hundreds of
neatly folded white towels were placed. Right then and there I decided I
would take showers, not tub baths.

Before I left the bathroom, I felt the potted plants and found them dry,
and carefully I gave each some water, a habit formed living with Kitty
Dennison.

Back in my room I swiftly unpacked, placed my lovely new lingerie neatly
in stacks in the dresser, and then glanced at my schedule again. I was
due in Sholten Hall at two-thirty for social studies. My first class in
Winterhaven.  Easily enough I found Sholten Hall, and wearing the outfit
that Tony had suggested for my first class, I hesitated just outside the
room; then, pulling in my breath and holding my head high, I pushed the
door open and entered. It seemed they were waiting for

me. Every girl's head turned my way, and all fifteen pairs of eyes
fixed on every detail of my clothes before finally looking up to see my
face; then they turned their gazes to the head of the room where a tall,
thin teacher sat behind her desk. "Come in, Miss Castdel. We have been
waiting for you." She glanced at her watch. "Please try to be on time
tomorrow." Only the front seats were unoccupied, and I felt terribly
conspicuous as I made my way to the closest and sat down.

 I am named Powatan Rivers, Miss Casteel. Miss -, 3rad ley please give
Miss Casteel the books she will '  need for this class; I hope, Miss
Casteel, you came uipped with your own pens, pencils, papers, and so
,,,,, Tony had supplied me with everything, so I could d and accept the
social studies books and top off my at stack. I'd always taken great
pride in books and paraphernalia that went along with school life, for
the first time I had everything any student ld possibly want. Would you
like to address the class and tell them thing about yourself, Miss
CasteeIT' y mind went totally blank. No! I didn't want to d up before
them and tell them anything! It is customary, Miss Casteel, for our new
students do this. Especially those from other areas of our e and
beautiful country. It helps all of us to understand you." Expectantly the
teacher waited, as all the girls ed forward so I felt their eyes on my
back. ctantly I stood up and took the few steps to the nt of the room.
and now that I could see all of the

girls, I realized how wrong Tony had been to choose the kind of clothes
I was wearing! Not a girl had on a skirt! They wore pants or blue jeans,
and their tops were sloppy, too-large shirts or ill-fitting sweaters. My
heart sank, for those were the kind of school clothes all the kids back
in Winnerrow used to wear! And up here, in this fancy school, I'd
expected things to be better, nicer.

Several times I had to wet my lips, which had gone dry. My legs betrayed
me and began to shake. Tony's instructions came to me. "I was born in
Texas," I began in a faltering. quivering voice,\"and later on, when I
was about two, I moved with my father to West Virginia. I grew up there.
My father fell ill, and my aunt invited me to come and live with her and
her husband.

I hurried back to my seat and sat down. Miss Rivers cleared her throat.
"Miss Casteel, before you came, your name was given to me to record in
our register. Would you mind telling me the origin of your remarkable
Christian name?"

I don't understand your meaning "The girls are interested in knowing if
you are named after. a relative "

No, Miss Rivers, I am named for that place we all expect to go to,
sooner or later." Several of the girls behind me tittered. Miss Rivers's
eyes turned into hard stones. All right, Miss Casteel. I suspect only in
West Virginia are there parents so audacious as to challenge the powers
that be. And now, let us open our government book to page and proceed
with today's lesson. Miss Casteel, since you join us late in this
semester, we will expect you to catch up before this week is over. Every

n exam to test what you have ti day there will be a learned. And now
girls, begin today's class by reading through pages to , and when you
have finished, close your books and put them inside your s s. Then we
will begin our discussion." chool anywhere was more or less the same, I
soon nd out. Pages to read, questions to copy from the chalkboard.
Except this teacher was very well in- I d on how our government worked,
and she also knew exactly what was wrong with it. I sat and s ene d,
overwhelmed by the passion she displayed r er subject, and when she
stopped talking abrupt- felt like applauding. How wonderful that she e
so much about poverty! Yes, there were people our rich, abundant land
that went to bed hungry. es, thousands of children were deprived of
rights tshould come to them naturally; the right to enough food to nourish
their bodies and brains; enough clothes to wear to keep them warm; enough
using to see they were sheltered from the weather; enough rest on a
comfortable bed so they didn'taken with shadows under their eyes, put
there from Teping on hard floors without enough blankets; and st of all,
parents who were old enough and eduated enough to provide all of that.
So where do we begin to correct all the wrongs? ow do we stop ignorance,
when the ignorant don't m to care whether or not their children will be
apped in the same miserable circumstances? How do make those in high
places care for the underpriviged? Think about that tonight, and when
you have und solutions, write them down, and submit them or row in
class." Somehow I made it through the day. None of the

girls approached me to ask questions, though all of them stared, then
hurriedly moved their eyes away when mine tried to meet with theirs. In
the dining hall that evening at six, I sat alone at a round table
covered with a crisp, white linen tablecloth, and in the center of my
table was a small,, silver bud vase containing a single red rose. The
students serving as waitresses took my order from a short menu, then
moved on to other tables where four to five girls sat together,
chattering in lively fashion, so the dining hall resounded with many
happy voices. I was the only girl in the room that had a single' red rose
on her table, and only when I realized that did I pluck from a small
wire the tiny white card that read: "My best wishes, Tony." Every day
until Friday, a red rose showed' up on my dinner table. And every day
those girls ignored my existence. What was I doing wrong, except wearing
the wrong kind of clothes? I hadn't brought jeans or pants or old shirts
and sweaters with me. Valiantly I tried to smile at the girls who
glanced my way, trying to catch their eyes. The minute they, saw my
efforts, each and every one of them turned away! And then I guessed what
was happening. My thoughts about hunger in America had betrayed me. My
own passion for the subject of poverty had given them more information
than my tongue ever could. I was too well informed. Too many nights I'd
lain awake in a mountain cabin, trying to find answers that would save
all the poor from falling into the same desperate plight of their
ancestors.

For my theme paper on Poverty in America I was given an A-minus. A very
good beginning. But I had

d myself. Now everyone knew just what back und had been mine, or else I
couldn't have known much. I wished a thousand times I hadn't been so al
and had turned in some solution like that of ther girl, who had
suggested,\"Every rich person > uld adopt at least one poor child." in
my pretty room, on my back on my narrow bed, I listened to the
laughter and giggles that came from other rooms. I smelled the bread
toasting "and the cheese melting; I heard the clink and clank of ,.
lasses, of silverware, the canned laughter played on ,., TV situation
comedies. Not once did any girl knock gn my closed door and invite me to
a forbidden party.

of once were those parties stopped by irate teachers n'didn't want their
rules broken.

m the wild tales I overheard, every one of those Is had traveled
extensively throughout the world, I already they were bored with cities
I had yet to Three of the girls had been expelled from private s schools
for love affairs, two had been expelled other American schools for
drinking, two more using drugs. All the girls could cuss worse than any
n hillbilly at a barn dance, and right through walls I received a
different kind of sex education, times more shocking than anything Fanny
had done. C en one day when I was in the bathroom, in the shower stall
that had a door to close, I heard talking about me. They didn't want me
in school. I wasn't "their" kind. "She's not who > pretends to be,"
whispered a voice I'd grown to ize as belonging to Faith Morgantile. W ,
J wasn't pretending to be anything other than a girl

seeking an education. And for that I was resented. I only hoped that
when my hazing came, I could survive with my dignity and pride intact.

So here in Winterhaven, despite my VanVoreen ancestors, my Tatterton
connections, my fine clothes, my flattering hairstyle, my pretty shoes,
and the good grades I worked hard to achieve, I was, as I'd always been,
an outsider, scorned for what I was. And the worst thing of all was,
right at the beginning, I had betrayed myself, and Tony.

six Cbangin,a Seasons U

 
was ToNY wHo CAME TO PICK ME UP THAT FIRST ay when I stood on the front
stoop of Winteryen with fifteen' girls crowded close about me, Cnding to
be friendly for his benefit. They ed him park, ooh'd and aw'd, gasped
and whisJ d and wondered again where Troy was. "When you goIng to invite
us to your home, Heaven?" Prudence Carraway, whom everyone called "We've
heard it's fabulous, absolutely fab, fab, fore Tony was out of the car
and opening the or I as down the steps escaping those, girls "See
Monday, Heaven!" a chorus of voices sang out, it was the first time
anyone had said my name but teacher. "Well," said Tony, smiling at me
and driving off. ", From what I saw and heard, it seems you've already
Olade lots of friends. That's good. But I hate the Oppy rags those girls
are wearing to school. Why do t they try so to look ugly during the best
years of their es?"

Several miles passed and I didn't speak. "Come on, Heaven, tell me
about it," he urged. "Did your cashmeres create a sensation? Or did they
scorn you for wearing the kind of clothes their mothers buy for them,
but they leave at home, or trade in for secondhand clothes."

They do that?" I asked, completely stunned. "I've heard they do. It's
sort of a cause at Winterhaven to challenge teachers and fight parents
or anyone in authority. It's like a Boston Tea Party for adolescents,
struggling to assert their independence." So he'd known when he selected
all my skirts, sweaters, blouses, and shirts just what he was doing to
me, making me stand out, making me different. Still I said nothing.

I could tell from his demeanor he didn't want me to complain about
anything that had gone on. I had been thrown into the pot, and now it
was up to me to keep from being boiled. He didn't urge me to keep on
wearing just what I had. He left it up to me to give in or to fight the
peer pressure. And realizing this, I made up my mind never to mention
any of my difficulties to Tony. I would handle them alone, no matter
what came along.

Tony drove fast toward Farthinggale Manor, and we were almost there
before he dropped his bombshell. "Some very pressing business has come
up, and I'll be flying to California this Sunday morning. Jillian will
be going with me. If you weren't already enrolled in school, we could
take you along. As it is, Miles will drive you to school on Monday, and
pick you up next Friday afternoon. Jillian and I plan to return a week
from Sunday." His news threw me into a tailspin! I didn't want to

left alone in a house of servants that I hardly knew.

 
ed not to let Tony see the sudden tears that sprang ri my eyes. What was
wrong with me that people und me so easy to leave? " ll and I will make
up for this week's neglect by ally extending ourselves this coming
Thanksgiving Christmas," he said with his rare kind of lightarted
charm,\"and I give you my word of honor that e will go to that Pops
concert when I return." ou don't have to worry about me," I said with
ete in at ion not wanting him to think I was a den like Jillian did. "I
know how to entertain elf." But I didn't, not really. Farthinggale Manor
I intimidated me. The only servant who didn't me nervous was Rye
Whiskey. But if I visited too often in his kitchen, maybe he'd grow cold
indifferent, too. Once I came home on Friday rnoon, and my homework was
finished, what uld I do with myself? Then came that Saturday morning in
Farthinggale r with servants rushing around in a dithering to help
Jillian pack for a week's trip. In the >ta irs hall she ran to me,
laughing, hugging anding me, making me feel that maybe I'd been ng, and
she did love me and need me. Then she clapping her hands together like a
happy little girl we descended the stairs into the living room. "It's a
you can't come with us, but you were the one who faded for a few months
of schooling, and dashed all exciting plans I had for you." " A few
months of schooling? Was she planning to sh me out of here? Didn't she
care for me even a bit? And to fly to California would have been ther of
my dreams realized, but by this time I was X', 3 wary o the eh I was i
f dreams I'd constructed hand dumb, I he fine, Jillian', don't we t me.

qv a PU such a wonderful house, and so big', I haven't ha chance, to
look it, ,over

lley were ignoring me, both Tdriya lid Jillia: deep down I was so hurtl
wanted t,o",jo, some h t onceivc on my own, and so I did so ill hin Itc
stupid. I decided to go and I VI esk S'aid,\"I have plans to go int t is
aftern "What do you mean you vein adeplans of yot a for this
afternoon?" A  .: "Really, M isn't Saturday our day, when can do things
toer? ", Thishad never bdd'n"' i e le hr to me bek st t I ood around
wi'h hider than pep pe -muc o talking about subjects Ikhe h b ut, I L
noting a o as needed as a lamp at noontime I thought t could makt it a
going-AWay party in that cha little theater we just had restored, right
oi swimming area. We can watch an old movie. I do new movies. They
embarrass me the way they naked people making love. We could even in vit
a few friends to make it more enjoy-able.

But Jillian shouldn't have mentioned in friends. Friends would take
away' the special ni our last evening together for a week. "I'm Jillian,
but I really thought you'd wa early this evening, go you'd be rested
where reached California. I'll be fine, and if I get early, your guests
wilt still bt here.--- "Where are you going?" Tony asked sharp li had
been browsing through this morning's new sp now his eyes above the
newspaper were Yery cio us "You don't know an yon c in Boston but uss
TPIT, "Don't go to the stables!" cried Jillian. "I want to be the one
to introduce you to my horses-my wonderful, beautiful Arabians. We'll do
that when we come back." For days and days and days she'd been promising
that. I no longer believed her.

I had made my play to escape and find Logan, and I had failed. And if
they held the party and showed the movie, they'd never miss me, never.

Ten guests would arrive around four for what Jillian called her "Off to
California Party." I knew she was still testing me, and a great deal
depended on how I went over with this particular group, which included
people who had more influence than the ones I'd already met. Then came
Tony's information. Everyone had to have a dining partner, and I was the
odd one out. "There's a young man I want you to meet," said Tony.
"You're going to like him, darling," said Jillian in her whispery-soft
way, while an exceedingly hand softie young man arranged her hair in a
new style. I perched on a delicate chair, watching the marvel of what he
could do with a comb, brush, and hair spray. ,Tis name is Ames Colton,
and he's eighteen years old. His father won his seat in the House just
last year; Tony expects John Colton to end up in the White House. " That
made me think of Tom, and his desire to reach the White House someday.
Why hadn't Tom answered even one of my three letters? Was Pa somehow
keeping them from him? Didn't Tom care anymore now that he knew I was
rich and well taken care of? My family had always given me sustenance, a

on trying. Now I felt all those dear and' ar ties stretching thin and
fading away. , Re nice to Ames, Heaven," said Jillian with a note ority
in her voice. "And please try not to do or to embarrass us in front of
our friends. the first real party of my life, and wearing a W
floor-length gown of deep blue with spar blue beads embroidered on the
bodice, I stood een Jillian and Tony near the door. Tony wore a and
Jillian had on a glittering white outfit that my breath away.

t smile a lot," whispered Tony as the first guests shown in by Curtis.

S Colton was nice enough, not anything at all RI J -,' gan. Not exciting
like Troy. In fact I considered  too nice, embarrassingly impressed by
someone joe., who was scared half to death, and a fake. If I thing right
that night I couldn't remember it I dropped my napkin, dropped my fork,
twice! I -red when I was asked about my past, and how I planned to stay.
How could I answer when n was staring at me with fear in her eyes? took
so many dishes to have. a party like this, so i silverware; and then,
when the meal was over, a ty little bowl with a silver tray underneath
was ed by Curtis. He stood quietly waiting as I eyed at appeared to be
water with a slim slice of lemon the top. It puzzled me, that small bowl
that sat and ted for me to do something with it. I raised sperate eyes
to Tony, then flushed when I saw his as tic amusement. And very
deliberately he ipped his fingertips in that lemon-flavored water, en
dried them daintily on his napkin.

 
Somehow I made it through the evening without any gross mistake to give
away my background; I only betrayed my social inexperience. I didn't
know what to say when asked for my political opinions. I had no opinions
on the state of the nation's economy. I hadn't read any of the recent
Hollywood best-sellers that told all, nor had been to a current movie. I
found smiles for answers, and pretenses for getting away, and in my
opinion I made a complete jackass out of myself. "You were fine," said
Tony, coming into my bedroom while I was brushing my hair. "Everyone
commented on how much you look like Jillian. That is not odd. for her
two older sisters are older editions of Jillian, though they are not as
well preserved,' so to speak." His expression turned serious. "Now,
tell me what you thought of our friends." How could I tell him exactly
what I thought? In some ways it seemed all people were alike, despite
their fine clothes, and fancy vocabularies. There were some who talked
too much, anq sooner or later revealed they were fools. There were some
there only to make a good impression, and they'd had as little to say as
I had. Then there were others who came to eat and drink, and gossip
about those they thought were out of earshot. "If they had played
fiddles, banjos, and stomped their feet, and all worn shoddy clothes,
they could have been from the Willies," I said honestly. "It's just what
they talk about that makes them different. Nobody back home cares about
politics, or the nation's economy. Few people read anything other than
the Bible or romance magazines." For the first time since I'd known him,
he laughed

genuine amusement, and when he smiled at me f > with a great deal o
approval my spirits soared. so you weren't impressed by fine clothes and
cigars-that's good. You have opinions of your own, that's also good. And
you are quite right. I R, hind every successful man is one who has more
ht, han a f e w fl a w sen as I sat on my dressing room stool and wished am that Pa had been
this kind of man, he spoke enously. "I heard a weather report a few
minutes redicting our first serious snow. We expect to fly -, out very
early Sunday, before the snowstorm arrives. You take good care of
yourself, Heaven, while we're His caution made me feel good. Pa had
never said "anything like that to me-as if he didn't care what
appened. "I wish you and Jillian a safe trip," I said,\",my throat
hoarse and hurting.

Thank you." He smiled again, then stepped close enough to kiss my
forehead, and for a moment his and lingered on my shoulder. "You look so
lovely d fresh, sitting there in your pale blue nightgown. on't let
anything or anyone spoil you." I didn't sleep much that night. The
dinner party had vealed to me the great gap between all the friends
ill ian and Tony had and the people I'd grown up th. We were all
American-born, and yet it seemed e had grown up in different worlds. And
all that ood that was wasted, enough to feed ten hillbilly mi lies Ames
Colton would have called on Sunday, if I'd ncouraged him at all, but I
didn't want him around. I till had plans to find Logan.

Early in the morning; I heard the motor of the Emo

driving off with Tony and Jillian. I tried to fall back to sleep. At
six I was still awake and waiting for the servants to get up. But they
were too far away for me to hear them turning on shower or tub water or
flushing commodes. I could sniff and never smell the bacon frying in the
kitchen, and the aroma of coffee never drifted this far. Well, I
thought, at least I had Rye Whiskey if I got too lonely.

The house at seven seemed bleakly empty and lonely. As I dressed I
sniffed the air for the drift of Jillian's perfume that always lingered
in the upstairs halls. My breakfast at that long table was a lonely
affair, made worse by the presence of Curtis, who stood near the buffet,
ready to jump and wait on me, when I wished he'd go away and leave me
alone. "Will you be needing anything more, miss?" -he asked, as if
reading my thoughts. "No, thank you, Curtis."

Is there anything special you would like to order for your lunch and
dinner?"

Anything will do."

Then I will tell the chef to prepare one of the usual Sunday menus

I didn't care what was served. Food, when it came on time and in
sufficient amounts and always tasted delicious, wasn't the monumental
affair that once it had been. Freshly squeezed orange juice was no
longer a thrilling treat. Bananas or fresh strawberries on my cereal
were to be expected. But it still thrilled me to see the truffles that
Tony so adored sprinkled liberally on my omelettes.

In the library I stood for a long time at the windows, gazing out at the
maze. The wind began to gust and make faint whistling sounds, scraping
the

e branches against the house. Behind me was a roaring log fire, making
cozy the library where I intended to spend the day  if I couldn't find a
way to visit Logan. He hadn't answered my letter, but I Inew what dorm
he lived in. Already I'd tested the garage door and found it locked.
When his wife wasn't around, Cal Dennison had taught me how to drive.

It was Logan who should have run to me, and asked me to explain what
happened between me and Cal Dennison. But no, he'd sped away in the
rain, leaving me in the graveyard, not even giving me the chance to
explain that Cal had felt like a father to me, the father I'd always
wanted. And to keep him my father and my friend, I'd have done almost.
anything! Anything! A thin curl of smoke spiraled into the air above the
walls of the maze. Did that mean Troy was at the cottage today? Without
further thought, I hurried toward the hall closet and pulled on my boots
and a new warm coat. Furtively I let myself out the front door so none
of the servants would report back to Tony that I had broken my word and
deliberately set out to see his brother.

It was easy this time to wend my crooked way through the maze, but not
so easy to step before his door and knock. Again he was reluctant to let
me in, taking so everlastingly long I almost turned around and left.
Then, suddenly, the door was open and he was there, not smiling to see
me again, but looking at me sadly, as if he pitied someone doomed to do
the wrong thing time and time again. "So you are back," he said,
stepping aside and motioning for me to come in. "Tony assured me you
would stay away."

I have come to ask a favor," I said, embarrassed by his indifference. "I
need to drive into town today, ill

know if she's capable of loving anything as much as she loves her
image. But she is clever. Never underestimate her cleverness." I was
stunned, and yet he had made so much clear. "But why doesn't Tony want
you and me to become friends?" He gave me a wry, self-mocking grin. "My
brother thinks I am a bad influence on anyone whQ grows too fond of me,
and of course, I am. So don't grow too fond of me, Heavenly." My heart
seemed to skip a beat when he called me Heavenly as Tom had always done.
"Oh, you are much too old for me to grow fond of!" I cried with
happiness in my voice. "I'm going to dash back to the house and change
my clothes!" Before he could speak again and perhaps change his mind, I
was out the door and racing through the maze back to the big house. The
roar of cleaning machines inside disguised my footfalls as I darted. up
the stairs. In my room I quickly changed into what I thought were my
most becoming clothes. I touched my nose with face powder, added
lipstick, and sprayed on perfume. Now I was ready to meet Logan
Stonewall. Not once in the whole time he'd known me had he seen me
dressed as I was now.

TrOY took no notice whatsoever of what I wore. He drove his Porsche with
a casual ease, seldom speaking, but I had lost my shyness and was
brimming with happiness. I was on my way to Logan. Despite his
disappointment in me, he'd forgive and forget, and remember only the
sweetness of our young romance, when we walked in the hills and swam
together in the river and shared so many plans for our future together.

 
was only when we reached the entrance to BU., Troy spoke: "I am
presuming this friend is male, t - righT Startled, I glanced at him.
"Why presume that?"

Your clothes, the perfume, and the lipstick."

I didn't think you noticed." m not blind." is name is Logan Stonewall. I
confessed. "He's ying to be a pharmacologist because that will ase his
father if lost but what he really wants to be a io chemist --I hope he
knows you are on your way to meet him.

My heart lurched again, for Logan didn't know. As chance and good luck
would have it, we no , ner pulled to a stop in front of his dorm than I
saw gan sauntering by with two other fellows his age. I rried out of the
car, not wanting to lose sight of .. Thank you for driving me here!" I
called back rough the window. "You can drive on home; I'm iure Logan
will drive me back." "Does he own a car? He was walking." I don't know."

Then I'll hang around and wait until I am sure you ave a way to get home
again." He nodded toward a all coffee shop. "I'll be in there. As soon
as you ow he'll drive you back, let me know." Troy headed for the coffee
shop, and I strolled in gan's direction, hoping to surprise him and
delight with the way I looked now. He went into the ugstore across the
street to make a purchase. I watched him pay for it, not knowing now
quite what to do. He was just the same, standing tall and straight,

with his broad shoulders squared, not turning to stare at every girl
who passed, and a great many passed. He accepted his purchase, then
headed for a side door that would let him outside.

I "Logan!" I cried, running forward slightly. "Don't go I I need to talk
to you." He turned to look my way, and I swear to God he didn't know me!
He looked at me and through me, and a look of annoyance was in his
sapphire eyes. Perhaps it was my shorter, smarter hairstyle and the
makeup I'd learned to apply with skill, or perhaps it was the beaver
coat Jillian had given me that made his eyes scan over me twice without
knowing who I was.

And before I could decide just what to do, he had the side door open,
letting in the strong wind that ruff ted the magazine covers, and then he
was outside m the snow, walking so fast I knew I'd never be able to
catch him. And maybe he'd only pretended he didn't recognize me.

Like the fool that I often was, I went to the counter at,Xhe drugstore
and ordered a cup of hot chocolate. I took my time sipping the steaming
brew and nibbling on two vanilla wafers. Only when I thought enough time
had passed for me to have had a long and serious talk did I pay my check
and prepare to leave.

It was nice the way Troy immediately jumped to his feet and broadly
smiled at me. "You took forever. I was beginning to believe this man
from your past was going to drive you home after all." He pulled a small
chair for me, helped me off with my fur, then sat me down. "It would
have been nice if you had brought him over and introduced me." My head
bowed. "Logan Stonewall is from Winner- and your brother has ordered me
to have no contacts with any of my old friends."

I am not my brother. I would like very much to know your friends."

Oh, Troy," I half sobbed, bowing my head and really beginning to
cry,\"Logan stared straight at me. He had the nerve to pretend not to
even know me! He looked me squarely in the eyes and then he turned and
walked away." His voice came softly and kindly as he reached for MY
gloved hands and held them in his. "Heaven, has it occurred to you
that, you have changed a great deal? You are not the same girl who
arrived here in early October. You have had your hair styled
differently.

wear make tip now and you didn't then. And "hose high-heeled boots you
wear add a few inches to t Your height. And Logan may have had other
thoughts his mind, other than meeting an old girlfriend."

Here," he said, pulling out a clean, white handrchief and handing it to
me. "And when you've shed crying-soon, I hope, for I hate seeing a K an
cry-then perhaps you can tell me more about ON-A; en I had dried my
tears and put his handkerchief M purse, intending to washand iron it
later, Y not her cup of hot chocolate had arrived. I saw so I aiuch
kindness and understanding in Troy's eyes that before I knew
what I was doing, I was telling him everything, right from the very
beginning, when gan had seen me in his father's pharmacy, and had been
sure he was admiring her, not me; Mann    t hen how we met in the
Winnerrow schoolyard; how nsisted on buying lunch for four starving
Casteel

In children. "And when he became my regular boyfriend and walked me
home from school, I was the happiest girl in the world. He wasn't like
the wild boys who hung around Fanny. iHe was the most different boy I'd
met, decent and never fresh. We were planning to be married as soon as
we finished college-and now he doesn't know me." My voice rose in slight
hysteria. "And it took so much nerve to do what I did. Did I overdo it,
Troy? Am I too overwhelming in Jillian's beaver coat, and wearing so
much jewelry?"

You look beautiful," he said softly, reaching to take both of my hands
in his. "Now let's put today in perspective. Logan didn't expect to see
you, did he? You were here, out of the element he'd grown accustomed to
seeing you in. Nor did he expect to see you dressed as you are. So give
him a telephone call later on, and tell him what happened. Then you two
can plan a meeting, and you'll both be ready for each other."

He won't forgive mel He'll never forgive me!" I sobbed, hotly and
passionately. "For I haven't told you everything. When Pa sold all five
of his kids to strangers for five hundred dollars apiece, something bad
happened to me. First Keith and Our Jane were bought by a lawyer and his
wife. Then Fanny was sold to Reverend Wayland Wise, and unlike Keith and
Our Jane, Fanny was delighted to be sold to such a wealthy man. Then a
burly farmer named Buck Henry showed up at our place, and he went
straight to Tom and felt him over like he was an animal. Pa and Buck
Henry dragged Tom away. "I was sold to Kitty and Cal Dennison in
Candlewick, Georgia. Their house in Candlewick was the nicest, cleanest
house I'd ever been in before, and

there was always plenty to eat. But Kitty wanted a kitchen slave, a
housekeeper to keep everything spotless while she ran her beauty shop.
She worked five days a week there, and on Saturdays she taught a
ceramics class, and that meant Cal saw more of me than he did of Kitty.
Oh, it was complicated, for I used to think Cal was twice the man Pa
could ever be.

I began to think of Cal as my own father, the kind I'd always wanted and
needed. He was someone who saw me, liked me, needed me. When he bought
me new clothes, new shoes, and a lot of little things I didn't even know
I needed, I'd sometimes go to bed hugging those dresses to my heart.

Like a river un dammed started by my tears, my story gushed forth in
full, horrible detail. I think the only area I left clouded was the
exact year of my birth, and somehow, long before my tale was told, I
knew Troy had forgotten his plans for today, and soon we were headed for
the road that took us back to Farthinggale Manor. Under the high,
arching iron gates he drove, closing them with his automatic control.
Then on a road I'd never noticed before, he  wended his way toward his
stone cottage. The gray autumn afternoon touched me with sweet
melancholy for the hills, for the innocent and trusting girl I used to
be.

Not a word did Troy speak until we were both in his and he had his fire
renewed and burning """ , brightly. Then he said his meal would be
ready in a Jiffy "The chef from the big house keeps my larder lull he
said, as he began to ready a snack. It was ur o'clock by this time, and
I'd already missed nc  I didn't doubt for one moment that that would Pte
reported to Tony by Percy.

 
 "Go on, don't stop," he urged, handing me a chopping board with raw
vegetables to slice. "I have never heard anything like your story
before. Now tell me more about Keith and Our Jane." Only then did I
realize I should have held on to caution and been more discreet, but it
was too late, much too late. But what did I care about anything now that
Logan had cut me out of his life? I had already told Troy every last
thing about the Christmas Day when Pa began to sell us off one by one,
repeating it all again because he had to hear it twice in order to
believe it. I was even careless enough to let out the reason Logan
didn't trust me anymore, and not once did Troy look my way, or comment,
or hesitate in what he was doing. "I didn't know that those trips to the
movies, and those wonderful dinners in fine restaurants, and all the
gifts he gave me were part of Cal's seduction. I grew more and more
dependent on him. He gave me my best times when I lived there, and Kitty
gave me MY worst times. I used to pity Cal when every night she'd find
one reason or another to say no' to him, and when she finally did agree
to accept his advances, he'd come to the breakfast table looking so
happy. I wanted him to look happy all of the time. And when he began to
touch me too often, with odd lights in his eyes, and his kisses became
not so fatherly, I'd lie on my bed at night and wonder just what kind of
signals I was subconsciously sending out. I never blamed him. I kept
right on blaming myself for putting wicked ideas in his head. How could
I hold on to him as a father figure, and not submit to what he wanted to
do?' I paused, gasped for more breath, then went on.

 
you see, I have no one now! Tony has ordered me cut my family out of my
life, even out of my thoughts, and he doesn't even know about Tom,
Keith, or Our Jane. Tom hasn't responded ton jp y letters. Fanny is
expecting the Reverend's baby, she never writes to me. I don't even know
if she s to. And someday I have to find Our Jane and I ome day you will
find them," said Troy with the of sincerity that made me trust him. "I
have a deal of money. I can't think of a better way to some of it than
to help you find your family." al promised me the same thing, and
nothing ever e of it." e turned to give me a chastising look. "I am not
Dennison. and I don't make promises I don't tears began again. "Why
would you do that don't know me. I'm not sure you even like me." e came
to sit beside me at the table. "For you and your dead mother I will do
this, Heaven. To morI see my attorneys and put them on the trail of
lawyer whose first name is Lester. You should mg me the studio portraits
of Keith and Our Jane you told me about. Photographers are always ud to
display their names somewhere on their tos, or on the back. In no time
at all, you will w the full names of the couple who bought your nger
brother and sister." I sat spellbound, breathless with the hope that ded
me. Hope that soon simmered down to noth- for hadn't Cal Dennison
promised the same Ming? And I didn't really know Troy.

 
'Now tell me what you'll do when you know where they are?" What would I
do? Tony would put me out of his LIFE. He'd stop his support of my
education.

I was on my way now toward the goal I had to have    but I'd think of
the answer later, when his attorneys found the little boy and girl who
belonged with me. I'd find some way to get them back and to hold fast to
my goals too. I was determined, now that I'd come this far, never to
slip back again.

Oh, if only things had been different! If only I could have grown up
like a normal girl! I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes again.
Shoving my memories away and taking a deep breath, I said,\"There, now
you know everything about me. And I'm not even supposed to be talking to
you. Tony has ordered me to leave you alone, never to come to your
cottage. In fact he told me before he left that you were not here at
all. If he knows I've broken one of his rules he'll send me back to the
Willies. I'm terrified of going back there! There's no one in Winnerrow
who cares what happens to me. Pa lives somewhere in Georgia or Florida,
and Tom is living with him, but Tom never writes, nor does Fanny! I
don't know how to live without someone who loves and cares about me." I
ducked my head so he couldn't see those irrepressible tears that began
to fall. "Please., Troy, please! Be my friend! I need someone so
desperately."

All right, Heaven. I'll be your friend." He sounded reluctant, as if he
were committing himself to something that was going to be burdensome.
"But remember that there are good reasons why Tony

t want you to become involved with me. Don't be too harsh on him. Before
you decide that I am just the friend you need, you have to realize that
Tony rules here, not me. We are at different ends of the pole in
personality. He is strong, and I am a weak ainer. If you arouse Tony's
disapproval and dis he will send you out of his life, and out of
ca sure an's, straight back to the Willies! And he'll do it in a way
I'll not have the chance to save you, or n to give you money."

I would not take money from youl" I flared, my e rearing high. i ,\"You
take it from my brother," he said wryly.

Because he is married to my grandmother! Be- he told me he manages the
money Jillian ri ted from her father and her first husband. they that
would have gone to my own mother if she lived. I feel perfectly
justified in taking from , I turned his head away so I could no longer
see face. "Heaven, your passion exhausts me. It is later than I thought
it was, and I'm tired. Would U mind if we continue this discussion next
Friday en you come home from Winterhaven? I'll still be

,- "He touched me deeply as he sat there, looking y vulnerable, and I
suspected he was terribly aid of letting someone like me into his well-
ni zed life. Slowly I got up from the floor, relucto leave the cozy
warmth of his cottage. i"Please, Heaven, I have a thousand things to do
I go to bed tonight. And don't cry because ,gan Stonewall didn't
recognize you. His thoughts 3 could have been elsewhere. Give him
another chance. Call him up at his dorm. Offer to meet him some- where
you can talk." Troy didn't know Logan's stubbornness. Logan was like his
name, a stone wall! "Good night, Troy," I called at the door,\"and thank
you for everything. I'm looking forward to next Friday." Softly I closed
the door behind me. No servants were around when I slipped inside the
door of the big house, and in the dining room. when I checked, I found
food in silver chafing dishes: wonderful thin slices of meat covered
with French sauce.

Before I knew what I was doing, I'd put a little of each dish on a plate
and then sat down to eat again. All by myself, at a table big enough for
all the Casteels.

 
Seven Treacbery OF WINTER HAVEN WERE NOT AS DISTANT ond week there.
Boldly they eyed me up and staring at the lovely knit dress I wore, for
I'd be d before I'd go back to wearing clothes not so "better than what
I'd worn in the Willies. To my t, that very Monday when I sat down to
eat my Pru Carraway smiled my way, then invited me at at her table.
Three other girls were seated te. Happily I gathered up my silverware,
my plate napkin, and carried them over. "Thank you," I as I sat down.

at a pretty pink dress," said Pru, batting her eyelashes.

ank you. The color is mauve." What a pretty mauve dress," she
corrected, as the other girls tittered. "I realize we have not been nice
to you, Heaven,\" and again she put stress on W, W ame,\"but we try
never to be nice to any new Oent until we are sure she's worthy of our
ap pro-

What had I done to gain their approval? I wondered. "How do you know so
much about poverty and hunger?" asked Faith Morgantile, a very pretty,
brown-haired girl in a clean but ratty-looking white sweater and pants.

My heart skipped a beat. "You all know I am from West Virginia. That is
coal-mining country. There is also a cotton mill there. The hills are
full of very poor people who think an education is a waste of time  so
naturally, I know about the people who used to five around me."

But you described the pangs of hunger so well in your theme paper,"
persisted Pru,\"it's almost as if you knew hunger from firsthand
experience." I "When you have eyes and ears, and a. heart that feels
compassion, you don't really need firsthand experience."

How nicely you put that',, said another girl, smiling at me warmly.
"We've heard that your parents divorced, and your father won custody of
you  isn't that unusual? Most of the time the mother wins custody,
especially when the child is a girl." I tried to shrug nonchalantly. "I
was too young to remember the details of the divorce. When I was older
my father refused to talk about it." And with that I dismissed the
subject as my fork stabbed into my tossed salad and speared the tomatoes
and lettuce I- liked most. "When will your father be coming to visit
you? We would just love to meet him." You bet they would love to meet
him! Luke Casteel would shock them into instant old age. I resented Pru
Carraway, who was. like a thorn constantly trying to

lood. I felt the power of her background, her ily, he r heritage, the
friends she had and I didn' ting a barricade around her, while was
defense- ""less, with only my wits and new clothes to shield me. I I
Oshed my lunch with determination, eating every DA,C M rand of
spaghetti, relishing every morsel of the j peat balls and wanted in the
worst way to sop up the -.,,oplcy tomato sauce with what remained of my
Italian bread, but I didn't dare. And they were watching me with such
fascination I felt I was doing everything wrong; showing too much
enthusiasm for an ordinary dish like spaghetti. Made hostile and angry
from their insinuations, I decided to blast them with a little truth.
"My father will never come to see me, for we don't like each other, and
he is dying." Each one of those four girls stared at me with lips
-agape, as if I were an apparition straight from the cemetery of bad
taste. And even as I'd said the words, the thought of Pa being dead
filled me with strange, uneasy guilt. As if I had no right to hate him
or wish him dead because he was my father. There was no reason why I
should feel ashamed. None! He deserved every mean thought I gave him.

Again Pru Carraway spoke, carefully: Ye have in this school certain
private clubs. Now, if you could arrange, somehow, for one of us to have
a date with Troy Tatterton  we would be very appreciative." Thoughts of
Pa had come between me and them. I was caught off guard. I sat with the
last of my Italian brea held halfway to my mouth. "I really couldn't
manage that," I said uneasily. "He's a man who makes up his own mind,
and he's much too old and sophisticated for the girls of Winterhaven."

"Troy Tatterton turned twenty-three only two weeks ago," stated Faith
Morgantile. "Some of the students here are eighteen, and just right for
a man of his age. Besides, we saw him with you on Sunday, and you are
only sixteen." It stunned me that in a giant city like Boston I'd be
spotted with Troy! So that was it! The reason for their sudden interest
in me! They had seen me, or one of their friends had, in the coffee shop
with Troy. I stood up. I dropped my napkin on their table. "Thank you
for inviting me to your table," I said with real pain in my heart, for
I'd so hoped to have friends here. All my life I'd never had a
girlfriend, only Fanny, who had been kind of a family cross to bear. At
my own table I picked up the books I'd left there and stalked from the
dining room.

From that moment on I sensed a difference in their attitudes. They had
been suspicious of me before just because I was new and different. Now I
had challenged them, and without any effort at all, I had, made enemies.

The very next morning I selected from my dresser drawer a beautiful
cornflower blue cashmere sweater to wear with its matching skirt, and to
my utter horror, my brand-new sweater had begun to unravel. And the wool
skirt I'd laid out on my bed, brand new, was losing its hem, and very
carefully someone had picked at the rows of stitches that held a front
box pleat neatly in place. In the Willies I would have worn the sweater
and skirt anyway, but not here, not here! Not when I knew that just
yesterday both sweater and skirt had been perfect! One sweater after
another I took from the drawer

Five of my sweaters were ruined! I ran o check on my skirts and blouses
and the closet t Und them hanging as I'd left them, still in good
Whoever had done this hadn't had time to ruin A ep e.

hing I owned. That Tuesday morning I didn't time to eat breakfast. I
went to class wearing just use with my skirt, and no sweater. None of
the wore topcoats to class, scorning thoughts of ever Olds and chills,
even though most of them sat with their arms crossed over their breasts
and shivered time to time. Hardy, puritanical souls ruled ,:
,Winter haven seeing that none of us experienced too uch luxury. The
classroom was not much warmer t h cabin in the hills had been in late
October.

e morning I shivered, thinking I'd run to my room nd pick up a
lightweight jacket. noon a rI ate my lunch so fast I almost choked on
it, then I upstairs to my room; the door was never a. I ran to the
closet to snatch from the rod one The three warm jackets Tony had chosen
for me.

jackets were missing! The one remaining jacket sopping wet! ---Were they
so rich and powerful they thought they t away with vandalizing my
possessions? ge as much from anger as from cold, I ran ring the hall
with the wet jacket extended before merged into the bathroom. Six
girls were in there king and giggling. The moment I came through door a
deadly quiet descended, while the ci gaS burned and created the worst
kind of choking ke. Using both hands I held up the wool jacket.

you have to put it in hot water?" I asked. asn't it enough just to ruin
my sweaters? What of monsters are you, anyway?"

"Whatever are you talking about?" asked Pru Carraway, her pale eyes
innocently blank. "My new sweaters are unraveled!" I yelled. I shook the
water from the jacket so some of it flew into their faces. They drew
back and formed a tight bunch. "You have taken two of my jackets and
ruined the third! Do you think you'll get away with this unpunished?" I
glared, with what I hoped was menace, into each pair of eyes that stared
back at me. The very fact that they didn't seem intimidated by me or my
puny threats made me even angrier. Their confidence grew as I hesitated,
not knowing how to defeat them.

Turning, I thrust the sopping-wet jacket into one of the two clothes
chutes. The heavyweight metal door had a very strong spring that slammed
shut. There was a multi sectioned bathroom on each one of the three
floors. With two hundred girls bathing or showering daily, hundreds of
white towels were used. Each day maids brought up stacks and stacks of
clean white towels and put them neatly behind the glass doors of the
linen closets. The chutes took the wet, soiled towels quickly to the
basement, where they fell into huge baskets. "Now, I said, whipping
around and trying to build some fear into them,\"that jacket will be
found and reported to the headmistress. You can't take the evidence from
me and destroy it, for the cellar is off limits to all of you." Pru
Carraway yawned. The other five girls followed suit. "I hope they
dismiss each and every one of you for willful destruction of property
that didn't belong to YOU "You sound like a lawyer," moaned Faith
Morgan- 3 us, really you do. What does a wet scare ket prove? Nothing
but your own carelessness for dumb enough to wash it in hot water." cted
as I stood there in that bathroom that r what I said they would not
accept blame for they had done. Then the sweet, pretty face of anne
Deale flashed behind my eyes, and her Mari voice came to whisper in my
ears: "It is better to ion a losing cause that you believe in than to
your silence and risk nothing. You can never tell at effect your
argument will have later on.

ight now I am going to the office of Mrs. lory," I stated with fire. "I
am going to show her ---o tears in my brand-new sweaters, and I am going
to her about the jacket you just ruined." You can't prove anything, said
a small, plain girl d Amy Luckett, her hands moving in an agi- betraying
way. "You could have snagged your sweaters, accidentally ruined your own
jacket." "Mrs. Mallory saw me wearing the jacket Monday rlmng, so at
least she will know its former con di- And when it is found in the wet
towel basket, will also prove what you've done." talk like a second-rate
lawyer," sneered Pru away "The faculty here can't touch us. Two

ago we told our parents not to continue donatcash gifts to this school,
which would go under out them. They didn't even appreciate all the we
saved them when we stopped wearing those French schoolgirl uniforms. We
always win ppy n we unite and fight. We have our parents behind Our
rich, rich parents. Our influential, political nts. You have no friends
here. You are not one of No one will believe what you say. Mrs. Mallory

will look down her nose at you and think you meanspirited and spiteful
because she knows we will never make you one of us. She will believe you
damaged your clothes yourself, just so you could put the blame on us."
What she said, made shivers race up and down my spine! Could anyone
believe such a thing? I wasn't wise or experienced in the ways of the
world. I hadn't been to school in Switzerland, and learned how to handle
a situation like this. Still, I had to believe they were bluffing, and I
had to bluff as well. ---We'll see," I said, turning and leaving the
bathroom.

With my arms full of ruined sweaters, I entered the dean's office. Mrs.
Mallory looked up with annoyance clearly written on her round face.
"Aren't you supposed to be in your social studies class, Miss CasteeIT'
I dropped the sweaters on the floor, then picked up what had been a
lovely blue one, and held it high for her to see. A finishing thread had
been pulled so the neckline was half raveled. "I have never worn this
sweater, Mrs. Mallory, and yet it is full of holes and raveling." She
frowned. "You really should take better care of your clothes. I hate to
see money thrown away on ungrateful children."

I take very good care of my clothes. This sweater was neatly folded in
my second dresser drawer, along with others that are also falling apart
because threads have been pulled or cut.--- For the longest time she was
silent. One by one I displayed the sweaters. "The jacket you commented
on Monday morning when I checked in was soaked in hot water while I was
in my morning classes today.

Her red lips pursed. She adjusted the half-glasses

AR "Are you making on the tip of her nose usations, Miss CasteeIT'
-yes. I am not liked here because I am different." you want to be liked,
Miss Casteel, you don't on schoolmates who play tricks on all the new is
more than a trick!" I cried, dismayed by r indifference. "My clothes
were ruined!" Oh, come now, you make too much out of what pp ears to me
just careless packing. Sweaters catch in p rs, in luggage locks. You tug
to pull them free e holes appear, a nd threads ravel."

And the jacket, that accidentally fell into a tub of hot water, on its
own. YE don't see a jacket. If you had further evidence, t you bring it
with you?" hy didn "I dropped it down the wet towel chute. You can d it
mi the laundry room." e "Th re's a sign above that chute. All wet
washable ot hes are to be put into the smaller chute.

Mrs. Mallory, it was a plaid jacket! It could stain someone s clothing."
Exactly what I mean. It could also stain white A owels and washclo P
ths." my ips began to tremble. "I had to put it some- Where so the
girls who did it couldn't hide the vidence and say it never happened."
She fingered the pretty blue sweater, looking oughtful. "Why don't you
take these sweaters and y to mend them with needle and thread I have to
nfess, I really don't want to find your wet jacket. If I that means I
will have to take action and question I the girls. Things like this have
happened before. If e side with you, will that help you to be accepted
33 and much too -.zf;; OUL --girls see what I see, you frighten them.
You: make them; a -gr r IC ITI.M or are, and what their values are'.I
iT Toe vi-- also the ward, of Tony.Tatterton, a and successful man. You
live m one of - R homes in America. I realize you have a -U rred you,,
but don't let it wound You have the potential to IT; I mind to be. Don't
let silly zft 3- P ruin what can be the best learning years i file. Now-
I can tell from your expression R T.T and want some sort of tcvonge' 3
clothes you have lost. But to you Won't they' eT --rum something of
real  t, m your room? Oh' ohl,l. t,the ight of that! In the a heavy box
contalmng Of Keith: and Our jan el OM to C=J L, C WA had been QX I
started LT tut symp dfi will do just a little for me. One, as I said
before, you will never tell your grandmother anything that would cause
her grief. Two, you will not see Troy in secret. Three, you will never
again mention your father, either by name or by reference. Four, you
will do your best to forget your background and concentrate only on
improving yourself. And fifth, for all the money that I am investing in
you, and for your benefit, you will give to me the right to make all
important decisions in your life. Agree dT "what  what kind of important
decisions?" Jw "Agreed or not agreed."

"But "All right, disagreed. You want to quibble. Be prepared to leave
after New Year's Day."

But I have nowhere to goP' I cried out in dismay. "You can enjoy
yourself over the next two months, and then we will part. But don't
think by the time you are ready to go you will have won over your
grandmother so much she will slip you enough money to see you through
college, for she doesn't control the Money-Cleave left her-I control it.
She has everything she wants, I see to that, but she is a fool with
money.

I couldn't agree to something as monumental as his making choices for
me, I couldn't! "Your mother was planning to attend a special girls' SC
I th atIs the best in this area. All the affluent girls cry to go there
in hopes of meeting the right young man they can marry later. I expect
you will meet your Mr. Right' there, too." Long ago. Id met my Mr.
RightY "gan Stonewall Sooner or later Logan would take me back. He'd

something, Mrs. Mallory, for keeping my ,Oence-and peace in this
school." Her eyes went guarded. "Yes, tell me what you I owe." is going
to be a dance this Thursday eve with the boys from Broadmire Hall. I know
In't won enough credits in the time I've been here serve an invitation
to that dance, but I want to r the longest time she stared at me, her
eyelids Aowered, and then she smiled, her eyes amused.

that's a small thing to ask. Just see that you embarrass the school.
portraits of my two little ones were safe. I put back until Friday when
I would take them to so he could turn them over to the detectives
promised he'd hire to find my younger sister and r. P t of Tom, who had
always been my champi- w what he'd want me to do now that I had my way:
"Don't rock the boat," he'd say. it was having Farthinggale Manor for my
kith Tony as my guardian, with Jillian for a her, even a reluctant one,
and Troy for my t gave me more audacity than common I have allowed. For
I was going to rock the c hell or high water, I wasn't going to let get
the best of me! I glanced in the nearest saw very little of the old
Heaven Leigh An the image of a girl with shoulder-length, ty led dark
hair that gleamed. But what to I knew Mrs. Mallory wasn't likely to do
to risk her cash donations.

 3 I fell prone upon the bed, hanging my head over the side, and began
to brush my hair up an dover, so it fell like a dark shawl around my
face, closing out the brightness of the three lamps. I heard the chimes
in the bell tower beginning the evening melodies of patriotic songs
flavored with faith in God. And my brush strokes caught the timing as I
stroked, stroked, stroked, as I plotted and planned how to get even with
those six girls who had obviously waited in the bathroom, knowing just
what I'd do with a dripping wet jacket that would ruin new green
carpeting and earn for me several demerits.

Back in Winnerrow I'd cringed and cowered in my shabby, ill-fitting
clothes and scuffed, worn-out, secondhand shoes, feeling too weak from
perpetual hunger to fight back effectively. I felt too humiliated and
ashamed of who I was, a scumbag Casteel, to find the right methods of
proving my individuality and merits. But now, things were different. I
had store bought courage, despite my ruined sweaters and jacket. I was
still too well outfitted to cringe and cower like a Casteel.

And as I brushed and brushed, forgetting to count, an idea was born. The
perfect way to have my own revenge    and we'd see who won this game in
the end. Boston boys were basically the same as boys all over the world.
They drifted like bees to the prettiest, sweetest-smelling flower. And I
knew I could be that.

Eight The Dance 3 BAI I TUESDAY EVENING, WHEN ALL THE OTHER in my wing
were obviously trying not to whoop it "too noisily, I heard my name
mentioned several S, and always laughter followed. It made me sy to know
I was the brunt of so many jokes. I had a friend that I could call.
Locking my door I put in a call to Troy. His telephone in the ge rang
and rang, giving me nagging fears that he t there, and I didn't know
where else to reach Then he answered, sounding very busy. And if
-voice hadn't warmed when he knew who it was, I never have requested
what I did. "You want go into your closets and choose the party dress
will best make a sensation? Heaven, do you have alT, h, yes, Troy. Tony
had me try on at least ten, though he'd intended to buy me only two, he
up with four. I didn't bring any with me, g it would be a Ion time
before I earned

 3 enough merits to be invited to one of their dances but here I am,
invited." He kind of groaned. "Sure, I'll do what you ask, but I don't
know much about what a fifteen-year-old girl should wear to one of those
school functions." True to his word, late that very evening, while I hid
in shadows of the front parlor and waited, and all the other girls
slept, Troy eased his car into the drive of Winterhaven, and I slipped
out the front door to meet him. Behind me the front. door was kept from
closing tight and locking by a thin book I had inserted. "I am so sorry
to cause you this trouble, Troy," I whispered, slipping into the front
seat beside him. I couldn't help moving close enough to put my cold lips
on his cheek. "Thank you! I'm ever so grateful to have a good friend
like you. I realize you must think me a terrible pest and nuisance,
calling you up so late. I know you have a thousand better things to do,
but I need this dress, I really doP' "Hey," he objected, seemingly
embarrassed with my overdone apologies,\"don't be too grateful. I really
had nothing better to do." He moved a bit farther from me, and this put
him very close to the driver's door-causing me to move back toward the
passenger door, and not crowd him. "I found the four dresses you spoke
of and tried to decide between them. However, all of them were so
pretty, I couldn't decide. So I brought all four, and you can make the
choice. ",\"You had no preference?" I asked, very disappointed, for I'd
depended on his being male and wise about what men liked best. "Troy,
surely you must like one better than the others." 3 - You'll look
beautiful no matter what you wear," he said in a shy way. And for a few
moments we sat there. his car motor idling, with the wind blowing the
last of the dead fall leaves into the shrubbery.

I It was twelve o'clock. Very seldom did any of the "after hours" school
parties last past eleven. It almost seemed the girls of Winterhaven
feared midnight and the -witching hour" as they called it. "I have to go
I now, I said, opening the door and putting one leg outside. "Would it
be all right if I called you once in a while?" His hesitation lasted so
long, I hurriedly left his car. "Forgive me for presuming again." I see
you Friday," he said, without committing himself to anything more. "Have
fun at the dance." His low, dark car sped away, leaving me standing in
the wind that pressed my long, heavy blue robe close to my body, and I
had a huge garment bag to handle  this time when I stole as quietly as
possible inside then building of Winterhaven. The wind behind me took
the heavy door and blew it inward. All the little stal prisms on the
wall sconces tinkled, and down c front hall a heavy fern toppled over
and made able crash! On the first floor the faculty had their vate
rooms, and I saw a yellow line appear beneath e closed door. Quickly I
picked up my little book, bed my garment bags with a more secure grip, d
then I ran silently up the stairs, with only my huge gs making scraping
noises on the railings. How th dim halls were at night, with only small
> the e nces burning. How quiet and hushed the atmosere, making me glance
often over my shoulder as tiptoes to the safety of my own room. But as I
pt on 3 closed and locked the door behind me, I had the uneasy feeling
that my little nighttime adventure had been witnessed by someone.

There were a hundred things I had to do to make that dance work out as I
wanted it to, with me as the belle of the ball! And to do that I had to
find out what the other girls were going to wear. During the day all the
dorm rooms had to be left unlocked so they could be inspected to see if
the beds were made and clothes were hung up, and each blind at the
windows was pulled to the standard level so that Winterhaven would look
symmetrical from the outside.  Long before the wake-up bells in their
high towers began their loud morning tolling, I was up and in the huge
bathroom, enjoying a shower before any other girls entered. So far, my
early-to-bed-and-early-to rise habit had given me the privacy I wanted.
However, this day, I was only partially dressed when three or four
sleepy-eyed girls drifted in, all in various styles of sleep attire. If
their daytime outfits were dowdy and sloppy, what they wore at night
must have come straight from Frederick's of Hollywood. They saw me in my
brief bikinis and they froze, as if stunned to have caught me, at last.
"She doesn't wear long johns," whispered Pru Carraway to her best
friend, Faith Morgantile. "I was sure she'd wear red ones," Faith
whispered back.

They were giggling now, struck by something vulnerable they saw on my
face, or hidden in my eyes, for once upon a time in the Willies I'd
wanted white or red long johns just as much as I wanted a new coat, or
new shoes, or anything that would keep me warm. And as other girls
swarmed into the bathroom, each

t least one friend, I stood like an island with the sea eddying around
me, so miserable and unhappy, the Willies didn't seem such a terrible
place to be after all. At least there I'd been with my own kind. And
then, almost crying, I pulled on the remainder of my lot hes and left
that lavatory full of steam and odors of toothpaste and soap. Behind me
their laughter continued on, on, on.

Ifidway back to my room, I hesitated. Was I going let them get the' best
of me? What about my plan? J, were all bathing, showering, fiddling with
hair d mae k up. Now was the best time to dash into three s, each
shared by two girls. It wasn't something I tly liked to do, but I was
driven to do it, and out any difficulty at all, I found my two stolen
ts, and I also found out just what kind of party es the girls of
Winterhaven wore to their hospidances. earing a skirt, blouse, and one
of the jackets I'd recovered, under a heavy coat, with high boots, I
lled through the softly falling snow toward Bee- Hall. The school campus
gave the impression of a tiny village, charming and quaint, and for me
ould have been paradise realized if only I could fit and begin to enjoy
myself. n class the girls saw the jacket I'd taken from Pru away's
closet, and from the way they eyed me up down, they considered me more
than brazen to ont them. "I could have you dismissed for sneak uninvited
into my room-" began Pru Carraway. And stealing my own jacket?" I asked.
"Don't aten me, Prudence, just use prudence before you your next
destructive trick. Now that I know the into your closets, and know where
you hide your

had wanted me to try it on. "A bit too old, Mr. Tatterton, don't you
think?"

Yes, indeed, much too mature. But dresses like this aren't easy to find,
and I love this shade of red. This will never go out of style. My ward
can wear it ten years from now. When the right woman wears this, she'll
seem to be made of liquid fire." That's what I felt like too as I
approached the improvised ballroom where music blared forth. I was a bit
late on purpose, wanting to make my impression by coming in last  and
oh, I did make an impression.

The girls of Winterhaven stood in a line to the left of the door, and
the boys were across the room, also lined up. Every single face turned
to stare at me when I appeared in the archway. And only then did I see
what Amy Luckett had meant. Not one single girl had on a fancy dress,
not one! They were wearing, more or less, what I wore every day, skirts
with blouses or sweaters. Nice skirts, new blouses, and expensive
sweaters, with nylons and small-heeled pumps. I wanted to go through the
floor, I felt so wrong in my long, slinky red dress that suddenly made
me feel like a tramp-oh why had Tony chosen something like this for me,
why? And all the boys were staring at me, beginning to show toothy,
knowing grins. For a flashing moment I considered spinning about and
running and leaving Winterhaven for good. Then, as if unable to turn, or
run, I braced myself and tried to saunter nonchalantly into the room as
if all my life I'd known how to overdress, and how to carry it off with
panache. And they came at me, fast, those boys who suddenly changed
their minds about other dance partners. For

firs t time in my entire life, it was I and not Fanny who had boys
crowded around her-all pleading for the first dance, and if not that,
the second or third. fore I knew what was happening I was swept off in
arms of some gangling, red-haired fellow who of reminded me of Tom. Wow!
Wow!" he breathed, trying to pull me embarrassingly close. Ye all hate
these sissy exchange dances, but when you showed up, honey, it wasn't
boring anymore." > It was the red dress, of course, not me. This was
exactly the kind of dress that Fanny would scream and fight for. Red,
the color medieval aristocracy had assigned to the street harlots. Red,
still the color associated most with women of loose virtue. Red, the
Color of passion and lust and violence and blood. And here I was
having to fight off strong, male bodies seeking cheap thrills from
rubbing against me. Whirled around as I was, pulled from the arms of one
boy by another, I caught but brief glimpses of the other girls. My hair,
which I'd piled high on my head, was caught by sparkling barrettes; soon
I felt it beginning to slip. My hair fell and the curls bounced on my
shoulders. I grew tired, angry that my partners wouldn't let me sit
between dances and take a "Let me go!" I finally yelled above the loud
music. I saw the teachers and others in the room hazily as I Pulled away
and tried to seat myself on one of the pretty settees taken from one of
the formal parlors and put in here for dance night. Dainty cups of
punch were shoved at me, plates with tiny sandwiches and pretty canap s,
and male fingers several times successfully managed to feed me. The tea
and fruit punch

had been spiked. Two cups to slake my thirst had me feeling giddy. Two
tiny sandwiches I nibbled before my treats were taken from my hands, and
I was pulled back onto the dance floor. The twenty girls of Winterhaven
with enough merits to attend this dance watched my every movement with
peculiar intensity. Why did their eyes glow so expectantly I was having
a good time, or so I had to believe when all the boys were lavishing on
me such flattering attention. A good time at the expense of all the
other girls who were neglected. Why were they watching me without envy?
Even when other couples danced, it was I who drew all eyes. It made me
uneasy the way everyone watched only me. What was I doing wrong, or
doing right? Even the members of the faculty stood off to one side with
dainty cups in their hands and kept their eyes riveted on me. Their
curious interest added to my nervousness, when before I'd been terrified
I'd have none. "You sure are beautiful," said the boy whirling me
around. "And I love your dress. Are you trying to tell us something by
wearing red?"

I don't understand why the other girls aren't wearing their party
dresses," I whispered to this boy, who seemed less bold and insensitive
than the others. "I thought we were supposed to dress up." He said
something about wild and crazy Winterhaven girls who were never
predictable, but I only half heard him. A cramp, sharp and dreadful,
shot across my abdomen! It wasn't my time of the month, and even then my
cramps were never really severe. The dance ended, and before I could
recover my breath, my next partner was heading my way, a

devilish grin on his face. "I would like to sit the next one out," I
said, heading for a settee. "You can't! You are the belle of this ball,
and you are going to dance every dance." Again one of those hideous
pains in my belly almost doubled me over. My eyes went unfocused. The
faces of the girls watching me smeared into distorted images such as
seen in fun-house mirrors. A short, plump, nice-looking boy was tugging
on my hands. "Please, you haven't danced with me. Nobody ever dances
with me." And before I could protest again he'd tugged me to my feet and
I was out on the dance floor, this time moving to a different kind of
music. Today's kind of music that had a strong beat. All my life I'd
dreamed of being so popular every dance was taken, and I'd never have to
sit as a wallflower.

Now all I wanted to do was escape. Something dreadful was going on in my
abdomen. The bathroom! I needed the bathroom! Even as I broke away from
one boy, another seized me and began his grinding motions, but this was
hands off music, and I turned to run. Suddenly, the music stopped, a new
record was put on-a slow waltz, the cheek-to-cheek kind, the kind I
needed least of all at this particular moment, and yet someone had me,
trying to hold me too close, and the pains, the horrible pains were
coming faster, closer together! Violently I shoved him away and took off
on the run. I thought I heard laughter behind me-vicious, spiteful
laughter.

The first floor lavatory had been assigned to our guests, so it was the
stairs I raced toward, running as fast as I could for the bathroom. The
door was locked!

Oh, my God! I raced for another in a distant wing, feeling panic that
it was so far away. I'd never make it in time! And when I reached there,
it too was locked! I was sobbing by this time, unable to understand what
was happening to me, but happening it was.

Back to my rooms I sped, doubled over and groaning, gasping, my breath
coming hard and fast. When I reached there I slammed and locked the door
behind me. There was no commode in my room, but I hadn't lived fourteen
years in the Willies and dreaded going to that distant outhouse without
learning how to improvise. And when it was over, I still sat on, feeling
any second another attack would begin.

For a solid hour my bowels rampaged, until I was quivering and weak, and
a film of moisture clung to my skin, and by this time the dance
downstairs had ended and the girls were returning to their rooms,
laughing, whispering, quite excited about something.

Rap-rap-rap on my bedroom door. No one ever knocked on my door! "Heaven,
are you in there? You certainly were the queen of the night! Why did you
disappear so quickly, like CinderellaT' "Yes, Heaven," called another
voice. "We just loved your dress. Itwas so right!" Very carefully I
removed a frail plastic garment bag from my wastebasket. When I had it
out, I quickly put it into a second bag, then tightly twisted the thin,
plastic-covered wire. I had solved my dilemma, and saved my clothes in
the nick of time, but now I was left with a bag full of filth I didn't
know how to dispose of. The dirty linen chutes in the bathroom were one
solution; nothing in the soiled linen baskets below would be ruined
unless the plastic broke.

With the bag hidden beneath a robe I carried over

my arms, I headed for the bath. I entered quietly, though I needn't
have. All twenty of the girls who had attended the dance were in the
lounge section, where several hair dryers were set up, and there were
small vanities with lights for putting on makeup. In there they were
laughing almost hysterically.

"Did you see her face? She went dead white! I almost felt sorry for her.
Pru, how much of that stuff did you drop in her punch?" "Enough to give
her a blast-a real blast!"

And weren't the boys wonderful, how they cooperated?" asked another girl
whose voice I didn't recognize. "I wonder if she made it to a bathroom
in time?"

How could she, when we had all the bathroom doors locked?" Their
hilarity could have generated enough electricity to light up New York.
And I was feeling sick enough without adding to it. Even in the Willies
people hadn't been so cruel. Even the worst village boys in Winnerrow
had respected some things. I dropped my plastic bag into the largest
towel shoot, thinking it wouldn't break open when all those wet and damp
towels down there would cushion its fall. And then I set about taking my
shower and shampooing my hair. I used the one stall with a door that
could be locked from the inside. After ten minutes of lathering and
sudsing and using conditioner, I toweled dry, pulled on my white
terry-cloth robe, and stepped out. All the girls who'd been in the
lounge had gathered to watch what happened next. Forbidden cigarettes
dangled from slack lips and fingers. "You look so clean, Heaven,"
merrily chirped Pru Carraway, out of her college-girl clothes and into
her

transparent baby dolls. "Did you feel a special need for staying so
long in the shower?"

Just the same old need I have every night since I came to Winterhaven-to
wash the atmosphere from my skin and hair."

The atmosphere is dirty here? Dirtier than where you came from?"

There are coal mines and cotton gins where I come from, and the coal
soot is carried on the wind to dirty clean clothes on the line, and
curtains have to be washed once a week. And the airborne cotton lint
invades the lungs of the mill workers, and even the lungs of people who
live downwind. But since I came to Winterhaven I have experienced
nothing but clean, wholesome, American fun. I cannot wait to write my
thesis about my experiences at Winterhaven. It should be very
enlightening to those who don't know what goes on in private schools
like this." Suddenly Pru Carraway was smiling, smiling broadly. "Oh,
come now, Heaven, are you any the worse for wear? We always play that
joke on a new girl. It's fun to mislead them and let them dress
incorrectly. It's all part of our initiation. Now, if you complete the
last ritual, you can become one of us, and pull the same tricks on the
next new girl."

No thanks," I said coldly, the memory of those awful cramps that had
left me weak still very much with me. "I don't care to become a member
of your club. "

Of course you do! Everyone always does! We have oodles of fun, and food
and drinks stashed away that you wouldn't believe. And the next step
will complete our requirements; we don't like girls who chicken out."
She smiled at me winningly, with more charm

an I had previously suspected she possessed. "All you have to do is
slide down the dirty linen chute, then find your way out of the cellar,
which is always kept locked. There is a way out, but you'll have to find
it.Y I The pregnant pause stretched and stretched as I thought this
over. "But how do I know the chute isn't dangerous?"

Why we've all done it, Heaven, every last one of us, and none of us were
harmed!" Pru smiled at me again. "C'mon, be a good sport  besides we
want to visit you this Christmas." An anger difficult to describe was
building within me. There were all kinds of petty tricks they could have
played that wouldn't have been so physically violent. And down there on
top of all the dirty linen was a double bag of filth just waiting "If
someone would prove to me that the chute is safe, and there truly is a
way out of the locked basement, maybe " I said. "I wouldn't want to be
caught down there in the morning by one of the washwomen, who would
immediately report me for being off limits-then maybe "

We've all done it!" flared Pru, as if she considered my caution utterly
overdone. "It's only a swift downhill ride and you end up on damp
towels. No big deal." "But I want to -make sure I can find my way out of
the basement," I insisted. "All right!" shouted Pru. "I'll do it first
myself to prove it can be done! And when you see me again, you'll
realize I'm the only truly brave person here, for someone other than the
president of the club should have volunteered."

W W , "Doos t she I isp, Aill;. t! ffidn"t turn to id, Amy Luckett WII
en, for what we T  But I rel     .. ordeal. and I oT M- iTT c Wory not
to gh- , you All 'Your nll -, ane know kill ITT to I screaming and Her and
second the -et fiT r o louder and I MT why it was A Finafiv  shaken, and
Nine Logan I NEVER BECAME ONE OF THE SELECT IN WINTER RAVEN but at
least the majority of the girls accepted me. for what I was, different
and independent in a shy and uncertain way. Subconsciously I had found
the same old shield that I had used in the Willies and Winnerrow;
indifferent, that's what I'd pretend to be. Let them throw slings and
arrows, what did I care? I was here, where I wanted to be, and that was
enough.

When Troy called the day after the dance to see how it had gone, I told
him someone had played a terrible trick on me, but I was much too
embarrassed to tell him what the trick had been. "You weren't harmed
were you?" he asked, seemingly very worried. "I've heard those
Winterhaven girls can be quite nasty to new girls, especially those they
haven't grown up with."

Oh," I answered in a new, nonchalant way,\"I think this time the trick
was also on them." The very next Friday evening, sooner than expected,
Jillian and Tony came back from California,

ful-I of holiday spirits. They gave me gifts of clothes and jewelry, and
Troy in his small cottage was a constant, dependable comfort, just
knowing he was there, every weekend, my secret friend. I more than >
suspected he didn't really want me there, distracting him from his
chores, and if he hadn't been so polite and sensitive to my needs he
would have sent me away. "How do you entertain yourselves on Saturdays?"
Tony asked one day, when he saw me scurrying from the library with an
armful of books. "Studying, that's how," I said with a little laugh.
"There"s so much I thought I knew but I don't. SO if Jillian and you
don't mind, I'm going to lock myself up in my bedroom and cram." I heard
his heavy sigh. "Jillian usually has her hair done on Saturdays, then
she goes to a movie afterward with a few of her friends. I was hoping
you and I could make a day of it in the city, doing some Christmas
shopping."

Oh, ask me again, Tony, please do, for there's nothing in this world
that I would rather do than visit the main store of Tatterton Toys." For
a moment he appeared startled. Then a slow spread on his handsome face.
"You mean you really want to go there? How wonderful. Jillian has  never
shown any interest in it whatsoever! And your mother, knowing we
quarreled about that often, took her mother's side and said she was
too old to be bothered with silly toys that didn't make the world go
around, and didn't improve social or political - conditions--so what
good were they?"

My mother said that?" I asked, totally astonished. "She was echoing your
grandmother, who wants a

playmate, not a businessman. For a short time, when she made exquisite
doll clothes, I had hopes one day she'd really become a part of
Tatterton Toys." Soon I'd slipped away to Troy's stone cottage, where I
wanted to be more than anyplace else. Just to be with him gave me
excitement. Why had Logan never made my pulse beat so hard? While I lay
on the thick carpeting in front of Troy's hot fire, I wrote to Tom,
pleading for him to give me some advice on how to approach Logan again
in a way that wouldn't seem too aggressive.

Finally, just when I believed Tom was never going to answer my last
letter, one showed up in my post office box.

I don't understand all your fears. Im sure Logan will be thrilled if you
give him a call, and arrange to meet some place. By the way, in my last
letter, did I forget to tell you that Pa's new wife is expecting a baby?
I have not heard from Panny directly, but I still have some old friends
in Winnerrow who keep in touch. It seems the good reverend's wife has
gone home to stay with her parents until her first child is born. What
about you, have you heard from Fanny, or from the people who have Our
Jane and Keith? No, I hadn't heard one word. And here was Pa, blithely
making more babies, when he should never want to see another! Not after
what he'd done! It hurt to feel that Pa could do evil and never be
punished, at least not enough! That little brother and sister I used to
feel so necessary in my life were growing fainter

fainter in my memory, and that scared me. My heart was no longer feeling
the sharp anguish of losing them, and I couldn't allow that to happen.
Troy told me he had contacted his law firm in Chicago and they would
begin their investigation soon. I had to keep my flame of anger alive,
keep it new and raw, and never allow the passing of time to salve the
wounds Pa had delivered. Together again, all five Casteel children all
under one roof. That was my goal.

Just as I'd feared, when finally I had the nerve to dial Logan's number,
his voice didn't show the warmth and approval that had been there when
he loved me. "I'm glad you called, Heaven," he said in a chilly,
detached way. "I'd be happy to meet with you this Saturday, but our
meeting will have to be short. I have a big paper due next week." Oh,
damn him! Double damn him! I was stung by the cold tone in his voice,
the same that his mother had used whenever she was so unfortunate as to
find me with her one and. only beloved son. Loretta Stonewall hated me
and had made little pretense to -hide her disapproval of her son's
devotion to hillbilly trash. And her husband had followed her lead,
though he had looked embarrassed a few times by his wife's obvious
hostility. But I was going to go and meet Logan this afternoon, no
matter how cold he Sounded. I spent two hours getting ready-I was
determined to look my very best. Yell, what a pretty picture you make,
Heaven," TOny sang out when he saw me. "I love that color dress you're
wearing. It is very becoming, though I don't remember selecting that
one." He frowned a little as he reflected, while my breath caught and
held, for it was a dress that Jillian had en me, one Tony giv

had given her, and she had never worn it because she didn't like the
style, the color, or the fact that her husband considered his taste
better than hers. "On a day like this, dear girl, you need more than
just an ordinary coat," he said, reaching into a closet and pulling out
a heavy, dark sable coat. He held the fur for my arms to slide into the
sleeves. "This fur is three years old, and Jillian has many others, so
keep it if you want. Now, where are you going? You know you have to tell
me in advance of your plans, and have my approval." How could I tell him
I was planning to meet a boy from my past? He wouldn't know that Logan
was different, out of place in Winnerrow. He'd presume he was just any
young man in a mountain valley village he'd never seen: uncouth,
uncultured, and uncivilized. "Some of the friendlier girls at
Winterhaven have asked me to one of their luncheons in town. And Iffiles
doesn't have to drive me. Nor do you. I've already called a cab." My
heart beat faster, louder, as I told my lie that should have been the
truth. Something Tony detected in my expression or tone made his eyes
narrow as he weighed my words. Shrewd, sophisticated eyes that seemed to
know all the wicked and tricky ways of the world. Long seconds passed as
those observant eyes took in my forced calmness, my feigned assurance
that struggled to show only innocence, and perhaps I convinced him, for
he smiled. "I'm very pleased you have made friends at Winferhaven," he
said with pleasure. "I've heard all kinds of tales about what those
Winterhaven girls do to newcomers, and perhaps I should have warned you.
But I wanted you to

from experience how to handle every kind of difficult circumstance." He
smiled at me in such an approving way, somehow I just knew, absolutely
knew, he'd heard every embarrassing detail of what happened to me the
night of the dance. He chucked me under the chin. "I'm glad you have
spirit and fire, and know how to handle things yourself. You have their
approval now, even if you think you don't need it. Now that you've been
accepted, you can go your own way, with my approval. Be tough. Refuse to
be bullied. And be confident with the girls-but when it comes to boys,
you come to me first. Before you date I'll have your escort and his
family checked out. I can't have you running around with trash." What he
said made me shiver a bit, for it seemed I could have no secrets from
him. And yet as he stood there looking me over with a great deal of
approval, something proud sprang into my spine and made me tand taller.
And something warm and sweet between us made me step forward to kiss his
cheek. He seemed very surprised and just as pleased. "Why, thank you for
doing that. Keep it up, and I may become just another soft touch." My
taxi arrived. Tony stood at the front door and waved, and I headed for
one of the haunts of the B. U. boys, The Boar's Head Caf I anticipated
all kinds of difficulties in finding Logan. I even thought he'd pretend
not to notice me again, or pretend he didn't know me, for I had not done
one thing to make myself look like that shabby mountain girl who was my
shame. And then, sitting in the window of the caM, I spotted Logan. He
was laughing and talking expressively to a pretty girl

 I il pt ba

 Irawled, I s I >, t WO skym nly I a -' ffl I I - , T do that every
time I thought of you. I drove by your Farthinggale Manor once, just the
gates, and they so impressed me I lost my nerve and turned around." Then
he was seeing me, really seeing me. Incredulity flashed through his
eyes, lighting them briefly with pleasure. "You look so different," he
said, moving his arms as if to embrace me, before his arms dropped to
his sides and his hands found their way into his pockets, as if they'd
found a safe, confining harbor. "I hope it's for the better." He looked
me over with so much disapproval, I began to tremble slightly. What had
I done wrong? "You look so rich, too rich," he answered slowly. "You've
changed your hairstyle and you're wearing makeup."  What was wrong with
him? None of my "improvements" seemed to make him happy. "You look like
one of those models on magazine covers. And that was bad? I tried to
smile. "Oh, Logan, I have so much to tell you! You look terrific!" The
snow began to freeze my face. Specks of fluffy white caught in his hair
and in mine, an Aouched the tip of my nose with cold. "Isn't there
somewhere we can sit and talk, where it's comfortable and warm, and
maybe then you won't glare at me like you are doing now." I kept making
small talk as he led me inside to a table where we ordered hot
chocolate. I noticed the girl he had been with continued to glare at us.
But I ignored her, and so did Logan.

He was moving his eyes over my fur coat, noticing the gold chains I wore
at my throat, seeing the rings on my fingers as I pulled off my fine
leather gloves.

I tried to smile. "Logan," I began with my eyes lowered, determined to
keep my expectations high,

we let bygones be bygones and start again,, fresh?" It took him a long
time to reply, as if he were struggling to free himself from some past
resolution he'd made, and every second I spent with him brought --- back
flooding memories of how sweet our youth had because we had had each
other. Oh, if only I'd Cen Sight,' r allowed Cal Dennison to touch me!
If only I'd eve eR stronger, wiser, more knowledgeable about men OW- nd
their physical desires! Maybe then I could have off an older man who was
basically weak, and to have taken advantage of a stupid young Illy.
don't know, he finally said in a slow, hesitant "I can't stop thinking
of how easily you forgot and our vows to one another once you' were out
of -'t Please try harder!" I implored. "I didn't know at time what I was
getting into, and I felt trapped by Instances that I couldn't control-"
stubborn jaw set in a hard line. "Somehow, you as you are today, wearing
expensive jewel- and that fur coat, you don't seem the same girl I to
know. I don't know how to relate to you now, n. You don't seem
vulnerable anymore, you like vn don't really need anyone, or anything."
y heart contracted. What he saw was only surface den ce given to me by
expensive clothes and Iry. Scratch the surface and the hill-scum Casteel
would still be there. And then it hit me what he really getting at. e
had liked me better when I was pitiful! He had drawn to my
vulnerability, my poverty, my ugly, d dresses and shabby shoes! The
strengths I'd 3 believed he admired most about me weren't even
important to him now! I fixed my eyes on his deep maroon sweater, for
some reason wondering if he still had that awful red knit cap I'd made
for him once. I felt that again circumstances were beyond my control,
and yet I couldn't give up so easily. "Logan," I began again,\"I'm
living with my real mother's mother now. She is as different from Granny
as night is from day. I never knew, grandmothers in their middle years
could look so young and not only pretty, but glamorous." This
grandmother lives in a different world than the one you knew in the
Willies. " How quickly he formed his opinion, as if never in doubt about
anyone or anything. Then, finally, he picked up his mug and sipped. And
how do you like your grandfather?" he asked. "Is he young and fabulously
handsome as welITY I tried to ignore his sarcasm. "Tony Tatterton isn't
really my grandfather, Logan, but my grandmother second husband. My
mother's father died two years ago. I'm sorry I never had a chance to
know him.--- His deep blue eyes took on an abstracted look, his gaze
still lingering somewhere behind my head. "I saw you one day in
mid-September, out shopping with an older man who held your elbow and
guided you where he wanted you to go. I wanted to call out and tell you
I was there, but I couldn't. I stupidly followed the two of you for a
while, and watched through the shop windows as you endlessly tried on
different outfits and modeled- them for that man. It stunned me how what
you wore changed your appearance. And not only

I was stunned by the changes it made in YOU! Everything new he bought
for you brought on laughter, smiles, and the kind of happiness I'd never
seen on your face before. Heaven, I had no idea that young-looking man
could be your grandfather. Jealously was all I could feel. When I loved
you and planned for our future together, I wanted to be the one to put
joy in your eyes and the glow on your face."

But I needed the warm coats he bought me, the boots, the shoes. And the
fur coats I have are second hand, given to me by Jillian, who grows
quickly bored with clothes and everything else. I don't have as much as
you think I do. And it's not so wonderful at Farthy. My grandmother
hardly even talks to me!" Logan leaned closer, riveting me with his hard
glare. "But the step-grandfather is delighted to have you around, isn't
he? I could tell that by his manner that day I saw the two of you
shopping. He got as much kick out of those new clothes as you did!" It
alarmed me the way he looked, so fiercely jealous. "You watch out for
him, Heaven. Remember >. what happened when you lived in Candlewick with
Kitty Dennison and her husband; it could happen again. I felt my eyes go
huge and round with the pain of his surprise attack. How could he think
that? Tony wasn't the least like Cal! Tony didn't need me for a
companion while his wife worked late hours. Tony had a full, rich life,
busy with vacations and business and hundreds of friends delighted to
entertain him and Jillian. Yet I could tell that Logan would refuse to
believe me if I pointed out these facts. My head moved from side

to side, rejecting his suspicions, angry that he had them. Disappointed
that he couldn't forgive and forget, and not trust me as he used to. "Do
you still hear from him?" he shot out, his eyes narrowed. "WhoT' I
asked, bewildered by the quick turn of his suspicions. "Cal Dennison.
"No!" I cried out again. "I have not heard from him since the day I left
Winnerrow! He doesn't know where I am! I never want to see him again."

I'm sure he'll find out where you are." Logan's voice had gone flat. He
picked up his mug and drained it to the bottom, then set it down hard so
it clunked loudly on the table. "It's been nice seeing you again,
Heaven, and knowing you now have everything you wanted. I'm sorry your
real grandfather died before you knew him,. and happy you like your
step grandfather so much. I have to admit you look very beautiful in your
fine clothes and fur coat, but you're not the same girl I fell in love
with. That girl was destroyed in Candlewick." Stunned and deeply hurt, so
much so I felt mortally wounded, I was. speechless My lips gaped, and I
wanted to plead for him to give me another chance. Hot, blinding tears
stung my eyes. I struggled to find the right words to say, but already
he'd turned away and was heading for the girl who still waited for him
at the table by the window. Without once looking back, he joined her.

And all the care I had used in getting ready for this meeting, hoping to
impress him, had been totally wasted. I should have come wearing my
rags, with my long hair disheveled, with hollows from hunger shad- i" ng
beneath my eyes-then maybe he'd have shown more compassion.

Then it hit me, hard, the truth I'd never suspected until today.

Logan had never truly loved me! Logan had only Pitied a waif from the
hills and had wanted to shower me protectively with the largess of his
generosity! He had considered me a charity case! It all came flooding
back, his small gifts of toot hD lies and toothpaste, soaps and shampoos,
all rus taken from the shelves of his father's pharmacy. Oh, the
embarrassment of his condescending pity filled me shame! The regrets for
having allowed myself to ve he saw in me something admirable! I brushed
tiently at the hot well of tears that flooded onto and down over my
cheeks; then, jumping to y feet, I seized my purse and fur coat and fled
and the door, moving faster than he did. In t er second I was outside,
pulling on my coat as I Ran from the very one I'd always run to! "The
snow was coming down slantwise in streaks, A and wind-driven. It was
freezing cold as I st rug- to put on that full-length fur coat. My breath
d out in billows of vapor as I choked and sobbed wanted to die. Right
behind me I heard the sound gan's steps. Whipping around, my coat
fanning e. in the wind, I glared with hatred straight into his k of
concern that came too late. T ou don't have to pity me anymore, Logan
Grant wall!" I shouted into the wind, heedless of who or heard my words.
No wonder I betrayed you nsciously with Cal Dennison! Perhaps my
instinct exactly what your true feeling for me was! Not not admiration,
and not genuine friendship-or

anything I really need and want for myself  So you were right to
suggest that we call it quits! It is all over between us! I never want
to see you again as long as I live! Go back to Winnerrow and find some
other hillbilly poverty case from the Willies!-and give her the
blessings of your detestable pity!" I whirled around and ran for the
nearest corner, where I quickly waved down a taxi.

Goodbye, Logan, I sobbed to myself as the taxi pulled away from the
curb. It was tender and sweet when I thought you loved me for myself,
but from this day forward, I'll not think of you again! You have even
managed to make me feel guilty about Troy, and you don't even know about
him. Dear, wonderful, talented, handsome Troy, who was not at all like
Cal Dennison, who never excited me at all.

Ten Promises SCALDING TEARS WERE STILL FLOWING WHEN MY CAB passed under
the impressive black gates of Farthinggale Manor-tears that choked my
voice so I had difficulty telling the driver where he had to turn off in
order to reach the small cottage where I hoped Troy would be.

I was running to the only remaining friend I had, almost blinded by my
tears, grieving inside as if everyone I'd ever lost had been taken away
anew, and the grief was compounded over an dover. Always a small but
confident part of me had believed that Logan was eternally and
rightfully mine, and because of that I could somehow win him back.

Nothing was eternal! Nothing was right! my disappointment screamed.
Nothing! welve dollars and fifty cents," said the taxi driver, waiting
impatiently as I dabbed at my eyes and tried to count out the exact
amount.' However, I had only a twenty, and I thrust that into his hands
and quickly left the warmth of the back seat.

 
 A "Keep the change," I croaked hoarsely. Snow, sharp as tiny ice
swords, slashed at my face. The wind was wild and tore at my hair as I
ran blindly for the cottage. Without regard for Troy's privacy I tugged
to open the blue door, but the wind was behind me, making opening it
difficult. When finally I had it open and was able to step inside, the
wind slammed the door behind me with a loud, crashing bang. Startled
into reality by the noise, I leaned back against the door and tried to
gain some control of my emotions. "Who's there?" called Troy from
another room, and then he appeared in the frame of his bedroom doorway,
his naked body wrapped by a towel swathed about his hips, and water
stood in droplets on his skin. His dark hair was wet and matted.
"Heaven!" - he exclaimed, his eyes startled by my sudden and dramatic
appearance. He raised the towel in his hands to dry his hair vigorously.
"Come in, sit down, make yourself at home, and give me a minute to put
on some clothes." Not a word to say he didn't need me, or to reprimand
me fortoming without an invitation. Just his troubled smile, before he
turned and disappeared.

Despair heavied my legs, making them feel nailed to the floor. I was
making too much of this, I knew I was, and still I couldn't catch my
breath enough to control the gasps that sounded as if they came from
someone other than myself. I was still leaning against the door, my arms
pressed backward as my fingers clutched at the wood for stability, when
Troy came striding from his room, fully clothed in his white silk blouse
and his tight black trousers. His hair, still slightly damp, lay in
shiny waves to frame his face.

Mpared to Logan's ruddy color and deep tan, Troy seemed extraordinarily
pale. He advanced my way without speaking, and gently caught hold of my
hands, pulling me away from the door, taking my purse from my shoulder
before he Wed off my heavy, wet fur coat. "Now, now," he thed,\"nothing
can be that bad, can it? On a a iful snowy day like this, with the wind
howling ut d telling you to stay indoors, there's nothin as cozy a
crackling fire, and good food to eat, and a ant companion to be with."
He put me in a chair drew close to his fire, then knelt to take off my
and with his hands he rubbed my cold, nyloned ilito warmth again.

tired enough to sag in the chair, my eyes wide rk as the tears
eventually stopped coming. My ",lpst some of the heavy weight that gave
it pain. Only then could I look around. No were lit, just the cheery
glow of the fire to Patterns of dancing lights and shadows on the And as
I looked around, Troy stayed on his staring up at me as he pulled a
hassock closer.

MY legs, he put my feet on that before he me to my waist with a bright
wool afghan. Ys time for the food," he said with a small approval,
watching me dab at the last tear frivolous small handkerchief. Every
tissue in c had already been used. "Coffee, tea, wine, ate. nt ion of hot
chocolate immediately brought ars to my eyes. Alarmed, he quickly sug- A
bit of brandy to warm you up first. Then how about that?" ut waiting for
my consent, he stood and

toward the kitchen, pausing. to. switch on the so it cou flood hi ld s
dim, firelit room with soft music. For a brief second I heard behind my
the loud country twa of Kitty's kind of music, and I shivered.

But this was another world, Itoy's world, where reality lay far beyond
the iron gates, and here, safe, snug, and warm, there was only beauty
and kindness, a -- the faint aroma of freshly baked bread. I closed nd
my eyes, and thoughts of Tony drifted vaguely to mind. It was almost
dark. outside. He'd be pacing the floor and glancing often at his watch,
anticipating my return, no doubt angry because I was not keeping my
Word. And sleep, like a blessing, chased away Tony god all despair.

Wnutes must have passed before I heard Troy's saying: "Come, wake up and
sip the brandy." Obediently, even as my eyes stayed closed, my lips
parted and the stinging, warm liquid burned its way' to my stomach, and
then I was coughing, bolting upright, startled by the taste of liquor
I'd never tried before. Now, that's enough," he said, withdrawing the
small snifter. He smiled as if amused by my reaction to just one
swallow. "It can't compare with mountain dew, is that what you're
telling me?"

I've never tasted mountain dew," I whispered hoarsely,\"and I never want
to." Pa's strong, brutal, and handsome face flashed before my eyes.
Someday, someday, he and I would meet again, someday when I could be as
cruel as he knew how to be. You just sit, there and doze and let me make
you dinner. Then you can tell me what brought you here with tears in your
eyes."

"No, I don't ever bake cakes or pies but Rye Whiskey always sends me a
huge chunk of cake when he bakes. There's plenty for both Of us.

But I was full. I shook my head, rejecting the cake, though he polished
off a slice that made me sort of regret my decision. Already I'd learned
that Troy never offered anything twice. He gave you one chance to
accept, or forget it.

"I'm sorry to burst in on you as I did, I murmured, gone sleepy again.
"I should hurry back to Farthy before Tony gets angry with me.' "He
won't expect you to travel in a blizzard like this. He'll figure that
you've holed up in some hotel lobby, and will come home the first chance
you have. But you could give him a call and put his worries to rest. "
But the dial tone was gone when I lifted the receiver. Lines were down.
"It's all right, Heaven. My brother is not a fool.

He'll understand." Slowly he scanned my face, perhaps seeing the
emotional weariness. "Do you want to talk about it?" No, I didn't want
to talk about Logan's rejection, it hurt too much. Still, despite my
will and my need to keep my pain from him, my tongue babbled, out the
entire story of how once I'd failed Logan in an important way, and now
he couldn't forgive me.

,  and what's just as bad, he's angry that now I'm not poor and
pitiful!" He got up to put the dishes we'd used into his washer. Then,
falling again on the floor, which obviously he preferred to his
comfortable sofa and chairs, he spread his long length on the thick
comfort of his

lie on his back with his hands tucked beneath his head, before he said
thoughtfully: "I'm sure one day very soon Logan will regret what he said
today, and you'll hear from him again. You are both very young. I never
want to hear from him again." I choked And tried to keep from crying.
"I've finished with Logan Stonewall, now and forever!" Again a small
smile played about his beautifully shaped lips. Only when that smile
faded did he turn his face away from me. "It's nice that you dropped in
to share the blizzard with me, whatever the reason. I won't tell Tony."

Why doesn't he want me to come here?" I asked, not for the first time.

For a flashing second shadows seemed to darken his expression. "In the
beginning when first I met you, I didn't want to become involved with
your life. Now that I know you better I feel obligated to help. When I
lie down to sleep at night your eyes come to haunt me. How can a
sixteen-year-old girl have such depth in her eyesT,\"I'm not sixteen!" I
cried out in a hoarse choked voice. "I am already seventeen years
old-but don't you dare tell Tony that." The moment the words were out of
my mouth I regretted them. He owed Tony loyalty. not me.

"Why in the world would you lie about something so inconsequential as
one year? Sixteen, seventeen, what's the difference?"

I will be eighteen this February twenty-second," I said with some
defensiveness. "In the hills girls of eighteen are usually married and
have children."

That made his face turn my way. "I am very glad you no longer live in
the hills. Now tell me why you told Tony you were sixteen instead of
seventeen?"

I don't know why I did it. I wanted to protect my mother from appearing
foolishand impulsive when she married my father, whom she knew only a
few hours before she said yes to his marriage proposal. Granny always
said it was love at first sight. I didn't understand what she meant, and
I still can't understand how she, a girl from a rich and prominent
family, with such a cultured background, could have fallen for a man
like my father." His dark eyes had the kind of deep forest pools have;
in them I could drown.

His grandfather clock began to strike the hour of eight o'clock, and
still the blizzard raged on. A music box that must have also been a
clock began to play a sweet and haunting melody, while tiny figures
emerged from a small door one by one. "I never saw a clock like that," I
said irrelevantly. "I have a collection of antique clocks," Troy murmured absently, rolling on his side to study me with soft understanding.
"When you are as rich as a Tatterton, you don't know how to spend your
money  and to think, all the time you were in the Willies, needing what
I could have given so easily. It seems an obscenity now to know I have
so much while others have so little. It shocks me too to know I never
gave poverty a thought before, perhaps because I've always lived in my
own world, and the people I knew had as much as I did." I bowed my head
even lower, realizing now how different Troy's life had been from mine.
And even as I continued to sit, Troy gazed at me until I grew

his long survey, squirming before I stood and stretched. "I've taken too
much of your time already. Now I have to go home so Tony won't ask too
many questions." -T, ruthfully, I expected him to object, to tell me
was impossible, but this time he rose to a g c vin feet. and smiled at
me. "All right. There is a way lbat I didn't want you to know about.
It's a cold -climate here, and when Farthy went up, with the surrounding
barns and stables, my practical ancestors anticipated the deep snows.
They had tunnels dug to the barns and stables, so the horses and other
animals could be taken care of and fed. A long time ago where this
cottage stands now, there was a barn with a deep ceflar. And that, of
course, makes this cottage very accessible to the main house during the
worst of jWeather. I could have told you this before, but I wanted you
to stay and keep me company." His eyes moved from my face and turned
slightly glassy. "It's very strange how comfortable I feel with you, a
mere ild Again his penetrating eyes fixed on me. "If enter the cellar of
Farthy and use the west door ,gt is painted green, the tunnel will bring
you to the Oar beneath this cottage. The other doors of blue, and yellow
will take you nowhere, for Tony had Ose tunnels sealed. He thought too
many passages, how secret, made Farth vulnerable to y oves." brought my
coat and boots from his guest closet held the coat while I slipped my
arms in, and n he had the fur coat snugly on my shoulders, his S
lingered. He was behind me, so I couldn't see ression. When I turned
around, he smiled A he reached for my hand and led me to a door in

his kitchen that took us both down steep, wooden stairs into his
cellar, which was damp and cold and very large. And then Troy was
showing me the green door with its arched top. "I'll go with you to the
house," he said, leading the way and still holding my hand. "When I was
a boy these underground tunnels always scared me. Every time the tunnel
made a bend, I expected monsters to appear, or ghosts, something I
didn't want to see." Even with him leading the way, and giving me
security with the warmth of his hand covering mine, I knew exactly what
he meant. I was reminded of a coal mine tunnel that Tom and I had
entered once despite signs that had read "Danger! Keep OutP' Troy
released my hand only when we'd reached the end of the freezing tunnel,
having arrived at the bottom of steps that were steep and narrow and
going up. "You will come out in the back kitchen hall," he whispered.
"Listen carefully before you open the door you see at the top. Rye
Whiskey often works late." He touched my cheek then and asked,\"How are
you going to explain to Ton yT "Never mind. I'm a good liar, rememberT'
And with those words I threw my arms about his neck, but I didn't kiss
him. I only pressed my cold cheek against his. "Without you I don't know
what I'd do." He held me fast against him for a brief, exciting moment.
"You just remember all the time that it is Logan you love and need, not
me." I ran up the stairs, hurting all the way because he thought it so
necessary to warn me to keep my distance. What was wrong with me? I
needed someone like Troy. Desperately needed his sensitivity and
understanding. There were times when I looked at

then quickly I'd make myself forget his charm and. good looks. He was too
dominating, like Pa.

Beginning to sniffle now, I entered the narrow hallway in back of
Farthinggale Manor's huge kit ch- g Even at this hour of the night, Rye
Whiskey was in preparing the food to be served the next day. was singing
to keep rhythm with each roll of his PaWy pin, and beyond him the young
black boy he -was teaching used spoons to keep the beat. On tiptoes I
slipped past the kitchen door, and only then did I  quicken my steps.

An hour later I lay on my bed, staring out the windows, hearing the wind
and thumping of my heart. had great difficulty falling asleep, though I
was deep. in dreams when my bedroom door was thrown open, I "d Tony's
voice roared loud enough to bolt me wide awake. "'When did you slip into
the house without my sg eing you.

Disoriented and frightened by his voice, I bolted clutching the top sheet
and blankets to my bosom. -Untruths, which could sometimes come readiy
to my tongue, failed me this time, so I could only tremble. And I
suspected even Troy could not protect from Tony's anger once I'd earned
it. Tany strode into my bedroom and lit the lamp  beside my bed.
Towering above me he stared long and hard at my face. "Where were you,
and how did you Inana. e to return from Boston? There hasn't been a road
open north of the city since three o'clock!" As I floundered, trying not
to let him see how terrified I was of his anger and disapproval,
thoughts Of what was likely to happen choked in my throat.

back on my pillows, I gazed at Tony with wide

 . I Eleven Holidays, Lonely Days WONDERFUL PREPARATIONS FOR
THANKSGIVING DAY began a week ahead of time. From Friday to Monday I had
a whole week's vacation. Upstairs where Jillian and Tony reigned supreme
all seemed as usual, but downstairs in the kitchen such an array of
produce began to arrive that my breath caught in ny throat and seemed
to stay. Fresh pumpkins, three, of them, and only six guests had been
invited to dinner. But with Jillian and Tony, and Troy and me, that made
ten. Oh, at last, at last, Troy was going to be included as a genu me
member of this family! YI "Tell me about the others who are coming, I
eagerly asked Rye. perched beside him on a high stool, and busily
chopping vegetables and anything else he thought I could handle. And he
was a hard master to please. Just from. his smiling or frowning
expression I knew when I wasn't putting enough "slanC on my vegetable
chopping, or I knew when I was doing it right.

 
he said,\"of the mistress and her husImportant friends who fly in just
to eat in hinggale Manor. I flatter myself that I help draw here with
all the fine dishes I'll prepare. But not the only reason they come. Mr.
Tatterton win rung way with people, they all adore him.

 they also come to see Mrs. Tatterton, so they can "'-" how much she has
aged since they saw her last.

now they also come to see Mr. Troy, who only < up at very important
functions. He is a mystery just as he is to the rest of us. Don't expect
to yone younger than twenty. Mrs. Tatterton n at her parties." ing Day
dawned bright and sunny and d. I was so thrilled that Troy was coming,
nce in a while I caught myself singing. I was a very special wine-red
velvet dress that Tony sen, and it was so flattering I was glancing in a
a d are myself every few minutes.

m twas the first guest to arrive, and because I'd hing the maze, it was
I who ran to open the Mead of Curtis. "Good afternoon, Mr. Tatter- at a
pleasure and delight to have you favor table, at long, long last." as
staring at me as if he'd never seen me Did a dress do that much? "I have
never seen k so lovely as you do this very minute," he I reached to help
him off with his topcoat. tis, way back in the broad hall, stared our a
certain kind of sarcasm. But what did I was just a presence, very seldom
a voice. his coat carefully-in a closet, making sure his r seams were
right, and then I spun around to 3 catch both of his hands in mine.
"I'm so glad you're here I'm nearly bursting. Now I won't have to sit at
a table with six guests I've never met."

They won't all be strangers. Some you have met before at other parties
and there is one special guest who flew all the way from Texas just to
meet YOU. "Who?" I asked, my eyes growing huge. "Jillian's mother, who
is eighty-six years old. It seems Jillian wanted to cover the tales
she'd told about you, and your great-grandmother became so intrigued she
telephoned to say she was coming, despite the fact that she has a hip
fracture." He smiled and pulled me to a sofa in the grandest Salon of
all. "Don't look so concerned. She's a tough old bird, and she's the
only one who doesn't tell. lies one after the other." She overwhelmed me
right from the beginning when she came through the front door with two
men supporting her weight on both sides. She was hardly five feet tall,
a thin wisp of an old woman whose hair still held most of that silvery
gold. On her scrawny fingers she wore four huge rings, ruby, emerald,
sapphire, and diamond. Her colored jewels were all ringed with diamonds.
Her bright blue dress hung loosely from her shoulders, and a heavy
choker of sapphires decorated her neckline. "I hate tight clothes," she
said as she glanced at me, and cringed a little closer to Troy.

She also hated crutches, which couldn't be trusted. Wheelchairs were An
abomihation. Pillows, shawls, and afghans were brought in from the car
outside. In thirty minutes she was made comfortable, and only then did
she turn those sharp, small eyes on me.

I it's nice to see you for a change," she A hout even looking his way.
"But I didn't fly all wit way just to talk to family I already know."
Her scanned me again from head to toe. "Yes, Jillian This is Leigh's
daughter. There is no Mi jak- e color of her eyes-just the way mine used
to be the years stole the best of my features. And that it's Leigh's all
over again, when she wasn't Aing it behind some shapeless garment. I
never understand how she could wear such clothes in miserable winter
weather as this." Her small lined with wrinkles, narrowed as she briskly
Why did my granddaughter die at such an Y I e? the stairs Jillian
drifted, looking stunningly in a wine-red dress. very much like mine,
Iers had a broad insert of jewels around the h, dear, dear Mother, how
wonderful to seen. Do you realize it's been five years since you er
intended to come again," answered Jana Y whose name had been kindly
provided to me as Jana was being arranged in her seat. And I hed Jillian
with her mother, I could  watc v, , smell the smoke of animosity between
them. -her, when we knew you were coming, despite g t, Tony very
thoughtfully went out and cas you with a wonderfully handsome chair that
-belong to the president of Sidney Forestry." u think I'd sit in a chair
used by a killer of Ow don't mention the subject again. I want to this I
here." And almost faster than I r she was plying me with questions, how
"mother met my father, and where had we

 lived, and did my father have money? And were there other family
members she could meet.

I was saved from making up more lies by the chiming of the door bells.
Tony stepped out of his Office looking like a fashion plate, and
Thanksgiving began despite Jana Jankins, who just couldn't manage to
out-shout everyone.

Then, to my dismay, Jillian finally noticed me sitting as quietly and
demurely-and as close to Troy-as I could manage. Jillian's eyes grew
large. "Heaven, the least you could do is check with me about what color
I'm wearing when we are entertaining. "I'll go and change mine right
now!" I offered. about to jump up to change as quickly as possible,
though I truly loved this dress. "Sit down, Heaven," commanded Tony.
"Jillian is being ridiculous. Your dress is not bejeweled, or nearly as
lavish as my wife's. I liked the dress when I saw it on you, and I want
you to wear it. It was a strange kind of Thanksgiving dinner. First
Jillian's mother had to be carried in and put at the end of the table
the hostess end, because Tony's chair was too near the wall , and once
Jana assumed the role of hostess, she ruled, no one else. This
great grandmother of mine was rude, abrasive, and totally honest. It
amazed me that Tony and Troy seemed so fond of her.

Still, it was a tiring meal, an exhausting evening, during which I was
plied with a thousand questions I didn't know how to answer unless I
lied. When Jana asked me how long I'd be staying at Farthinggale Manor,
I didn't know what to answer. I looked hopefully at Tony and saw next to
him a steely-faced

who held her fork midway to her mouth anded to Tony and glared as he
began to rescue me. "Heaven has come to stay for as long as she likes,"
he announced, smiling first at me, then turning to Jillian and giving
her a shut-up-or-else rictus. "She's already school at Winterhaven. In
fact, she did so well C" a-her entrance exams that she entered as a
senior-a ahead of her age group. And we've already li d to Radcliffe and
Williams so she won't have to e go. too far away for a first-rate
college. We're both so to have Heaven here. It's a bit as if Leigh had
ost returned to us, isn't it JilIT' durin g this little speech Jillian
had been shovel into her mouth, as if to cram it too full for ords to
slip out. She said nothing, raying w glared at me.. Oh, how I wished she
could to love me. I needed so badly to have a real someone I could
really talk to, someone who teach me how to be the right kind of woman.
kwas beginning to realize that Jillian would never at. Perhaps if she
were more like Jana-rude and aring, but at least interested in getting
to know ,'ink fully Jana had little chance to do that. I the meal in
agitation, afraid she would begin -about my past again, afraid some
truth would and contradict what I'd told Tony. But the finished amidst a
din of small talk and soon ner Jana left for her elegant hotel in
Boston. sorry I can't stay and get to know you better but I've never
been comfortable staying here -here she cast an accusing glare at
Jillian I must get back to Texas tomorrow. Perhaps ' me and visit me
sometime." And before she

 I k the crowds past gaily decorated shops and know that I could enter
them without shame. I no longer had to look longingly in windows,
dreaming of possessions I could never afford; now I could afford so many
things.

Week by week I was growing richer. Tony was depositing money in a
checking account that he'd opened for me. And he gave me a very generous
allowance. I lived thriftily and put away what I could in a savings
account that drew interest. On rare occasions Jillian would hand me
twenty-dollar bills as if they were pennies. "Oh, don't be so damned
gratefulP' she yelled when I thanked her perhaps too
enthusiastically,\"It's only money!" The savings account was meant for
that wonderful day when I had my family back together again; I spent
very little on myself. When I shopped that year, I shopped for all of
us, as if we were back together. A beautiful white cable knit sweater for
Tom, along with a fine camera and dozens of rolls of film so he could
have a friend take pictures of him that he could mail to, me. It was
easy to find the kind of heavy wool jacket he'd so longed for when we
lived in the Willies,\" trudging back and forth to school had been a
real c wen nel r your e or any o er part of your body was warm. A coat
just like the one Logan used to wear, genuine leather and fleece-lined.
I wanted to give him everything he'd ever wanted. I shopped for Fanny,
though I didn't know where to send my gifts. I put them in the bottom
dresser drawer along with all that I'd bought for Keith and Our Jane,
promising myself I'd have the joy of seeing them open my gifts someday
someday.

Troy and I met early Christmas morning in his cottage, long before
Jillian and Tony were up. He had

st all ready, the tree we had trimmed together, and the gifts we had for
each other stacked beneath. "Come in, Merry Christmas! Don't you look
lovely with roses in your cheeks. I was so afraid you'd Iate. I've made
us the most delicious Swedish hn stmas bread." Later, we opened our
gifts like two young children. oy gave me a blue cashmere sweater that
matched i l,' MY eyes perfectly. I gave him a rich brown leather y
tooled with gold. "What in the world is this? A for me to record my most
ridiculous or remarkY words?" was joking, I was dead serious. "I want
you to in it, beginning the first time you heard about from Tony.
Everything they told you about my before they were married. How she felt
about t,ther, about the divorce. Write about the first lg>,q,' jou saw
her, what she said to you, and what you J "," her. Recall what she wore,
your first im pres- seemed strange as he nodded and the book from me.
"All right, I'll do my Owever, you have to keep remembering I was  ,
iree-are you stening,  eaven, on ree. s twelve." y told me you were
always older than your age came to intelligence, and younger, than your n
it came to being left alone." other gifts for him that pleased him more.
e gave to me I cherished more than anything and Tony put under one of
the huge Christmas before every front window in Farthing or. an, Tony,
and I went out to a fancy Christmas

party at one of their friends' houses. It was the first time they'd
ever taken me anywhere with them, but somehow that wasn't enough to keep
me from feeling miserably lonely that day, and the rest of the week
until New Year's and the week after when I returned to school again.
Tony went off to work every day, and almost every night he and Jilhan
went out together. Jillian was scarcely to be seen during the day; and
when, on occasion, I'd see her in the music room playing solitaire, she
no longer invited me to share a card game with her. Ever since Tony had
publicly announced on Thanksgiving that I was to be a permanent resident
at Farthy, Jillian had retreated from me totally. To her I was a
resident, not a member of the family.

Jillian seemed pleased that I kept so busy I had little time to share
her lifestyle, which included one social or charity affair after
another. And all the togetherness I had believed once she and I would
share faded with the realization we would never be close. She was wt
going to love me, or let herself grow attached so the might miss me
later on. Oh, I knew her now, only too well.

I sneaked over to visit Troy as often as I could which wasn't that often,
since I had the feeling that even though I didn't see her, Jillian was
quite aware of exactly where I was. I also went into Boston frequently
to go to the library and to the museums. A few times. I went by The Red
Feather and BU. hoping to "accidentally" run into Logan, but I didn't
once see him. Perhaps he'd returned to Winnerrow for the holidays. And
that's when the tears would start to come. For Logan hadn't even sent me
a Christmas I neither had anyone in my family. Sometimes I it that
Farthinggale Manor was as impoverished as the Willies---only in a
different way. For here there was a dearth of love, and caring, and
sharing, and joy. Even in our rickety cabin we'd known those things. e
all that was given was money, and, much as I longed for it, I was
beginning to crave love and affection even more.

February arrived with my eighteenth birthday, c lony and Jillian still
believed was my seventh. Tony arranged everything for that birthday y
honor. "Invite all those snobby given in m ,,,rh aven girls and we'll
knock their eyes out." finally, all the Winterhaven girls had their to
gawk at the splendors of Farthinggale The lavish food spread on a table
took my away. The gifts given to me that year left me c breathless, and
feeling strangely guilty. For the rest of my family faring? Success of
that party impressed those silly girls h I was finally accepted as good
enough to be decently. rly March such a terrible storm blew in I was at
home the Monday I was due to be driven Winterhaven. Tony and Jiflian
were out of ng me the perfect opportunity to use the und tunnel that
connected Farthinggale to Troy's cottage. Breathlessly I arrived, havall
the scary, dim way, making a great bit of I climbed his cellar stairs,
just to tell him I ng up. Busy, as always, still he seemed to be MY
visit, lifting his head from his work to 3

Wise ordered me t'be quiet or t'whole world would hear me yellin  but
that were an easy thin' fer her t'say when it was me who was havin her
baby "

Oh, Fanny, thank God you called! I've been so worried about you! Why
didn't you call before?"

Why I done called ya a hundred times, I have, an nobody there
understands what I say. Or who I want t'talk ta. What's wrong with em?
They talk funny, like ya do now. Did ya hear me say I had a baby girl?"
What was that catch I heard in her voice? Regrets? Sorry now she'd
schemed with the Reverend and his wife to have a baby for ten thousand
dollars? Tanny, tell me, are you all right? Where are you?"

Sure I'm fine, jus' fine. Weren't nothin Vit once it were ova. An she's
so Vprettiest lil ole girl with black hair that's curly an everythin'.
Gottwo of what she should have, an none of what she,,,-shouldn't. An
Meverend is sure gonna be so hapl>jy, when he sees her  Tanny, where are
you? Please tell me! It's not too late to change your mind. You cae
refuse to accept the money and then you can keep your baby and when YOU
re older you'll never have regrets for selling your own child. Now
please listen to me!, I can send you the money you need to fly to
Boston. My grandfather won't take you in, but I could put, you up m a
nice rooming house, and do what I can to support you and your baby. " I
was endangering my own precarious situation, but I did it on pure
instinct, alarmingly homesick to see Fanny again.

For a moment or so her deep silence on the other end made me think she
was giving my alternative serious thought, and then came her decision.
"Tom done tole me bout where ya'll live. An if fen yer gonna

'my baby t'come an t'stay, ya gotta invite me t,where ya live in a house
big as a palace! Wid more bathrooms than ya kin count! Don't ya go  tin'
me an my baby with no roomin' house, or cl room! Not when I'm jus' as
good as ya are b reasonable. I wrote and told Tom that y, e V arents
have eccentric ideas. Why, Jillian -It even want anyone to know that I
am her aught er e us'be crazy!" came Fanny's loud and instant obody so
ole kin look so young as ya tole now ya go on an invite me, Heaven!
Crazy like her won't know no dillerence! Iffen ya I'm sellin' my baby an
takin' off fer Nashville or york City. that moment heard the deep,
sonorous rumble Reverend Wayland Wise's voice as he came hospital room
and greeted Fanny. And so God, Fanny slammed the receiver down and
t'.even say goodbye! > left with the dial tone, realizing she hadn't
-me her address. Still she had mine, and my number.

oh Fanny. She was doing the same thing Pa her own child. Oh, how could
she Even though Fanny was capable of being a and heartless girl, I knew
she'd regret selling "b the baby. I just knew it. And I also knew that
I help her. I had money now, and I could find a to support her and the
baby, to buy it back from es. But I couldn't invite Fanny here to live.
If I I'd be tossed out myself, and I would lose all I ed. For I'd
learned that I had been accepted adcliffe, and Tony had already promised
that I

could count on him to put me through school, and I could stay at
Farthinggale Manor or live on campus, whichever I pre fered Could I'give
all that up for Fanny? No, I couldn't. For Fanny was a confused girl, I
rationalized, and it would take her a while to realize what she was
doing was wrong. When she did, she would come to me for help. I knew
that as surely as I knew it was snowing. And with a certain amount of
relief to know that Fanny had come through her first delivery safely,
and that someday she would come to me and I would help her to get her
child back, I read until it was time to go to bed.

Sleep was a hard-won prize this night. I was an aunt! I wished I dared
to call Tom this second, and tell him Fanny's news. But Pa might be the
one to pick up the telephone.

The very next day I telephoned Tom, risking the chance my father would
answer. "Hi," said my brother's voice, making me sigh with relief. "Oh,
good golly gosh-jeebers!" he cried when he heard my news.

"It's great news to know Fanny is all right, and terrible to think she's
really going to sell her very own baby! It's like history repeating
itself. But you can't risk your future for her, Heavenly, you just
can't! You keep your mouth shut about Fanny and the rest of us. We'll
see you again, all of us, even Keith and Our Jane, now that you have set
those lawyers on their trail." In late March the blustery cold winter
began to abate. The snow melted and hints of spring made me nostalgic
for the Willies.

Tom wrote to tell me to forget the hills, and the way it used to be.
"Forgive Pa, Heavenly, please do. He's

now, like another man. And his wife has given him the look-alike,
dark-haired son that Ma wanted, and didn't get." In April, for the first
time, I could open a window and listen to the sound of the pounding surf
without ing nervous.

gan had not even made an effort to contact me, by day he was turning
into only a memory, d day and it hurt, really hurt when I stopped to
give his indifference more than a skipping thought. I had no desire to
find a new boyfriend, and I declined most of the dates offered me. Once
in a while I'd go out to the dinner with a boy, but inevitably, as
movies or out to n as he learned that he couldn't get past "first
"base, he gave up on me. I just didn't want to set up to be hurt
again. Later, later, I would worry out love and romance; now I was
content to conntrate on my educational goals.

e one man I did see a lot of, and the one man was replacing Logan in my
heart, was the one I was supposed to stay away from-Troy Tatter At least
once a week, when Tony and Jillian were I'd sneak over and spend hours
talking to him. It such a joy to have someone to talk to. someone really
cared about me and knew the truth of who wanted in the worst way to talk
to Tony about but it was a dangerous topic that brought e die suspicion
to Tony's eyes.

iat I hope to God you are heeding my warning and g away from my brother.
He'll never make any an happy." y do you say that? Don't you love him?"
e him? Troy has always been my biggest

 ' Wo

"Please don't thank me again," said Troy when he was driving us both
home late that night, after the school dance was over, and all the girls
had envied me with my handsome "older man," who was also very admired
and considered a real catch. "Did you really think I wouldn't come?" he
admonished. "It was little enough I could do." He chuckled before he
added,\"I never knew a girl who needed a family more than you, so I
wanted to give you a huge one. And by the way, they are all family in a
way, aren't they Some of them have grown old working for the Tattertons.
They were delighted to come, couldn't you tell?" Yes, they had been
delighted to meet me. Suddenly shy, I sat silently, very happy and yet
deeply disturbed by what I was feeling. I had to admit to myself that I
was falling in love with Troy. Was it right, that dancing with Troy
seemed ten times more exciting than it had when Logan had taught me to
dance? I stole a glance at his profile, and wondered what he was
thinking. "By the way," he said still alert and watching traffic,\"the
detective agency my attorneys hired to find your younger brother and
sister think they have a clue. They've been searching to find a Washington lawyer with the first name of Lester. There are at least ten
Usters, and forty L initials within the confines of D. C, and twenty or
more in Baltimore. They are also checking out the R his wife uses  so
perhaps it won't be too long before we can find your brother and sister.

My breath came faster. Oh, to hold Our Jane again! To hug and kiss
Keith! To see them before they forgot all about their sister "Hev-lee. "
But were they the real reason I was tingling all over? Despite myself, I
moved closer to Troy so my thigh pressed against his,

n Ider brushed mine. He seemed to stifle' before he grew silent, and
then we turned off the expressway onto the road I'd first traveled with
Jillian Tony. A silver ribbon road, twisting and winding the high,
arched black gates. Home to me this road and the huge house that was
hidden view until you were almost upon it. heard the roar of the sea,
the pounding of the surf, lied the salty brine, and with each minute,
the Aess of this night deepened. A, let's not say good night just
because it is after I said, catching hold of Troy's hand when we out of
his car. "Let's walk in the gardens and s the warm, velvety night held
some charm as well, for' agreeably enough he linked my through the crook
of his elbow. The stars close enough to touch. Intoxicating perfume my
nostrils and made me giddy. What is it that sweet.

 -, c lilacs. It's summer, Heavenly, or almost." Inly, he'd, called me
that again, just as Tom one had called me that since I'd first come

st a year ago now. you know today, after lunch, the girls were' er to me
than ever before? Of course they me to introduce you to them    and I t
do it. But I would like to know how you've d to stay so uninvolved with
the opposite sex." ckled and ducked his head shyly. "I am not hat's
what you want to know." > lied with embarrassment. "I never thought you
ut most men your age date as often as they if they are not already
engaged or married.

 C-

material blessings! Now that I wasn't deprived or blighted, his
philanthropic urges were thwarted. And Troy-I understood him least of
all! I had thought many times lately that I had glimpsed something more
than friendship burning in his dark eyes.

What flaws stood out on me that overcame all the beauty that I saw
reflected in my mirrors? More and more I was resembling my dead mother
-and Jillian-but for my hair, my betraying dark, Indian Casteel hair.

Twelve Sin and Sinners

EARLY ONE JUNE EVENING, BEFORE JILL IAN AND returned from London, I heard
from the music room the lilting notes of Chopin on the piano. The of
music I'd heard only in Miss Deale's Friday lc appreciation class, the
kind of romantic melody could charm and thrill me, and fill me with such
that I was pulled to the stairs and drifted to see Troy seated at the
concert grand piano. long, slender fingers rippled over the keyboard R
,w j, h astery I marveled that he could keep so suc m talent hidden from
the world.

The set of his st the sight of him touched me. ulders, the way his head
bowed over the keys, the J, n and longing he put into his music, seemed
to much. He was here, where he had to know I'd He needed me, he just
didn't know it. I -needed As I stood trembling in the archway, leaning t
the frame in my nightgown and robe, I d the music to persuade me of so
many things. -Wasn't happy, nor was  We had so much in

cooped up in that cottage with him. I felt the wind of my emotions
pushing out so strongly that I needed to be outside, lest I make a fool
of myself. But before I left, I was determined to make sure I saw him
the next day. For he was softening toward me, I could feel it. And he
couldn't fight his feelings for me if we spent entire days together. I
could bring sunshine and life into his melancholy life, and I was
determined now to force him to accept my love. "Troy, can't we do
something outside in the fresh air for a change? In the stables are
beautiful Arabian horses that only the grooms exercise when Jillian and
Tany are away. Teach me how to ride a horse. Or swim with me in the
pool. Share a picnic in the woods with me, but let's not stay shut up in
your cottage when the weather is so beautiful. Jillian and Tony. will
come home soon, and we'll be forbidden each other. Let's do now what we
can't do then." Our eyes met and held. A flush of color rose from his
chest to flood his face, forcing him to half turn and break the bind of
our eyes. "If that's what you'd rather do. Tomorrow at ten we'll meet at
the stables. YOU can learn on the most gentle mare there." Almost as if
I'd swallowed a powerful drug, I fell under the spell of something
beyond my control. The next morning shortly before ten, I met Troy at
the stables. Troy was waiting for me, wearing casual riding clothes. The
wind had tousled his hair, and already the sun had put healthy color in
his cheeks, and that sad little something that lingered always in the
depths of his eyes wasn't there. I ran to him, delighted with the
response of his immediate smile. Ye are going to have the most wonderful
day!" I

'-giving him a quick hug before I looked eagerly' toward the stables. "I
just hope the grooms won't ten Tony."

They know better than to carry tales," he an- red lightly, seeming
charmed by my happy excitet. You look great, Heavenly, absolutely
great." d to give him a full view, spreading my spun aroun and tossing
my hair. "Tony gave me these riding lies for Christmas. First time I've
worn them." r a week Troy gave me riding lessons each ng and taught me
the difference between the and Western styles. It was more fun than I'd
expected though I hurt each night when I sat , ng how to race with the
wind, and duck the low anches, and heel into the flanks of my mount when
I anted to stop. In short order I lost my fear of the rse and its
impressive height. After my lessons each morning, we'd go back to his
ttage to have lunch, and then he'd send me back to e big house, saying
he had to work. I could feel him ONIsting spending too much time with
me, yet I could I that he really wanted to. So I avoided seeing him the
evening, hoping that he'd miss me, and long for e, and indeed, each
morning he seemed so happy to Me that I was certain that someday very,
very on, he would realize he loved me.

It was a full eight days after my riding lessons began at Troy felt I
was ready for a really long ride into the oods surrounding Farthinggale
Manor. Time and gain he kept glancing at the sky. "The early morning
redicted violent electrical storms, so we his p ouldn't go too far." With
us we had a picnic hamper full of what Troy ad put together himself, and
some special treats that S

Rye Whiskey had sent over from the big house for us to enjoy.

Troy was the one who selected a sun-dappled little mound under one of
the most beautiful beech trees I'd ever seen. Not so far away was a
gurgling stream of water, and birds darted between the gently swaying
branches above. The wonderful feel of the summer day put songs in my
heart and joy mi my every movement, as Troy knelt to spread the
red-and-white checkered tablecloth on the grass. Our two horses were
tethered not far away and contentedly munched on whatever they could
eat. I heard the hum of honey bees, smelled the scent of clover, brushed
tiny gnats from my face as I busied myself emptying the picnic basket.
The sweetness of the day, the prettiness of the setting, lit up my eyes
whenever I glanced at Troy, who couldn't move his fascinated gaze from
whatever trivial move I made. I felt self-conscious as I shifted plates
and plastic flatware around, and three times I moved the potato salad,
the fried chicken, the sandwiches.

When finally I had everything prettily arranged, I sat back on my heels
and smiled his way. "There, doesn't it look pretty? But don't dig in
until I say grace, just like my granny used to say whenever Pa wasn't at
home." I felt so happy today that I just had to thank someone.

He seemed bewitched. Dazed-looking, he nodded, then inclined his head
slightly while I said the familiar words. "Dear Lord, we thank you for
the food before us.

We thank you for the caring hands that prepared our bounty. We thank you
for our many blessings and all

JOYS this day and all our tomorrows will bring us. en. I lowered my
hands, raised my bowed head, looked and found Troy staring at me in the
most quizzical "Your granny's grace??' w didn't have blessings or
bounties, but e y never seemed to know that. She was always the best
would show up one day. I guess you're not used to anything. you dont
expect c  When she said grace, I used to silently pray take away her
aches and pains." would into silence after that, appearing thoughtful
both ate our sumptuous picnic lunch. And I had made the yellow cake with
thick fudge Troy's own kitchen. ting in This is the best cake I've ever
eaten!" He licked chocolate from his fingers. "Another slice, ase.

'Youldn't it be nice if we could always be together this? You and me. I
could go to college, while we in your cottage." S dark eyes shadowed
with so much pain, sudden- the sunny day went dark. e didn't love me! He
didn't need me! I was ucing him, or trying to, just as Cal Dennison had
uced me with his own needs and desires, disregard mine I handed him his
second slice of cake, now embarrassed even to look at him. With my head
red so he couldn't see my suffering, I quickly ared the tablecloth, and
without washing the used s and flatware in the stream as I'd intended
doing n first I saw the water, I threw everything back P.' the picnic
hamper in a grand heap that wouldn't

allow me to close the top. Fiercely angry I shoved the basket his way.
"Here's your basketP' I choked.

His stunned expression forced me to scramble to MY feet, then I ran
toward my horse. "I'm going home!" I cried out childishly. "I realize
you don't need anybody like me stuck permanently in your life! All you
need is work, and more work! Thank you for the last ten days, and
forgive me for being impulsive. I promise not to waste your time again!"

Heavenly!" he called,\"Stop! Wait

I didn't wait. Somehow I reached the saddle, not caring if I did it
right or wrong. My heels dug into MY mount's flanks, and she leaped
forward while I was blinded by silly tears, more angry with myself than
with him. I did everything wrong. My mare was made confused and
uncertain. To correct my mistakes I yanked hard on the reins. Rearing
upward almost vertically, the mare snorted, pawed at the air, then
bolted forward, running wild and fast through the woods. Low branches
came at me one after another, branches that could sweep me out of the
saddle, break my neck, back, legs. With more luck than skill I managed
to duck each branch. And the more I moved in the saddle, the more
erratic my horse ran! My screams were like long, thin scarfs blowing
behind me. Almost too late I remembered Troy's advice on how to cling to
a runaway horse. I fell forward and clung to my mare's thick, brown
mane. Over ravines and ditches, jumping dead trees felled by storms, my
uncontrolled horse raced. Squeezing my eyes shut, I began to say her
name over an dover, trying to calm her.

The next thing I knew she stumbled; I was thrown

her, back straight into a shallow ditch half-full of green rainwater.
Scrambling to her feet, my ore, whinnied, shook herself, threw me a
disgusted k, and wheeled about to head for home, leaving stunned and
shaken and hurting. I was also my left boot. I felt a total fool as I
lay d on my back in the fetid water, staring up the canopy of leaves to
find the sun full in my punishment, I sourly thought, for presuming I
should have known better than to fall for man who made my blood run fast
and hot, er al, and Logan's rejection. No Casever won any prize! Why
should I think I was better er stupid thoughts filled my head before I
had e enough to sit up and shake the filthy water from hair, then used
the sleeve of my shirt to clean my of mud. Wild honey bees were
attracted, perhaps perfume, or by the bright yellow of a once blouse.
aven, where are you?" I heard Troy calling distance. W too late, Troy
Tatterton! I don't want you I Still I began to tremble from the effort
it took to respond. I didn't want him to find me, not now. ehow I'd make
my way back to that huge, lonely e, and never again would I disobey Tony
an dover to his cottage. sitting in the water, I stayed very quiet,
slapping e insects who idiotically found me attractive. ss time passed
before he stopped calling and g about in the woods. The wind picked up
and n to rustle the leaves above. Dark, stringy clouds

 I Ait

 : I a bum d hire.

 I v ICE P it! ibo late to stop wh; T-wW ine. He did ,. f he held the of
th slippMig th rYTi thunder cra, C. I Towe in e caressing was sw m ITA
I G3; an hour.

 
didn't want to wait any longer. Silently I willed him to come to me,
come to me now.

For endless hours I dwelled fitfully on the rim of sleep, never finding
the peaceful oblivion I desperately sought. From one side to another I
flipped, trying MY back, my stomach. Then, suddenly I heard my name
called. I bolted wide awake to stare at the electric clock on my
nightstand. Two o'clock-that's all the time that had passed? I got up to
pull on a frail, green peignoir that matched my nightgown, then went
down the upstairs hall to the stairs, and without design, I found myself
in the maze, barefooted. The grass was damp and cool. What I was doing
here I didn't want to analyze.

The electrical storm had washed the atmosphere to such clarity moonlight
lit up the darkness. The. tall hedges with their millions of leaves
snagged tiny bits of starlight so they sparkled. Then I was there,
hesitating before his closed blue door, wishing I had the nerve to
knock, or to open the door and go in. Or the will to turn around and go
back where I belonged. I bowed my head until my forehead pressed against
the wood, then closed my eyes, beginning to softly cry as all the
strength went out of my body and I sagged limply. At that moment the
door opened, causing me to fall forward. Directly into Troy's arms.

He didn't say a word as he caught me, then swung me up into his arms and
carried me into his bedroom.

Light from the moon fell across his face as he lowered his head to mine,
and this time his lips were more demanding. His kisses, his hands put me
on fire, so it happened between us so naturally and beautifully, I
didn't feel any of the guilt and shame that Cal. Dennison's lovemaking
had caused. We came togeth-

had to, or die, and when it was over, I lay in of his arms quivering
with the fading spasms Of the first orgasm of my life.

When we wakened it was dawn, and through his -open windows the morning
wind blew damp and cold.

he sweet morning chirpings, of the sleepy birds -,btought tears to my
eyes, before I sat up to reach for t blanket folded on the foot of the
bed. Quickly he s arms pulled me back. Tenderly he plied small PY so ver
my face as his free hand stroked my hair he cradled me against him.
"Last night I lay on my bed thinking about you." had a hard time falling
asleep   o did M' just when I was about to sleep, I bolted wide ke and I
thought I heard you calling me." wa made a noise deep in his throat,
holding me er against his warm body. "I was on my way to when you fell
through the door, just like a prayer swered, and yet, I shouldn't have
allowed this to happen. I'm so afraid you're going to be sorry. I never
to t hurt you." "You could never hurt me, not ever! I have never e leR a
man so gentle and kind." chuckle was low. "How many men have you at the
tender age of eighteen?" nly the one I told you about I whispered, my
face when he wanted to gaze into my eyes. Will you tell me more
about him?" listened without asking questions, his slender caressing me
all the while, and when my words he kissed my lips, each one of my
fingertips. e you heard from this Cal Dennison since you to live in
FarthyT'

come back here. And in work I can forget the coming night and the
nightmares that haunt me." I could only stare at him. "No wonder you
kept shadows beneath your eyes last winter," I said, distressed that he
could now be so melancholy. He had me now. "I used to think you were a
workaholic." Troy rolled on his side, facing the fire, reaching a long
arm for a bottle of champagne he'd put in a silver bucket to chill. He
poured the bubbling vintage into two crystal goblets. "The last bottle
of the best of the wine," he said, turning again toward me, and lifting
his glass so it brushed lightly against mine.

I had grown used to champagne during the past winter, since it appeared
so often on Jillian's party tables, but I was still child enough to feel
giddy after one glass. Uneasily I sipped my champagne, wOndering why
his eyes kept avoiding mine. "What do you mean, the last of the wine?
You've got a wine cellar beneath this house with enough champagne for
the next half-century."

'So literal," he said. "I spoke poetically. Trying to tell you that
winter and cold bring out the morbid side I try to hide most of the
time. I care too much about you to let you become too entangled in our
relationship, without understanding just who and what I am."

I know who and what you are!"

No you don't. You know only what I've permitted you to see." His dark
eyes swung my way, commanding me not to question. "Listen, Heaven, I'm
trying to warn you while you can still pull away." My lips parted to
speak and object, but he reached to hush me with his fingers put over my
lips. "Why do you think Tony ordered you to stay away 3 me? I find it
very difficult to hang on to the cheerful, optimistic side of me that
blossoms only when the days grow long, and the warmth returns." ---We
can always move south!" I cried, hating his seriousness, the shadowed
look in his eyes. "I've tried that. I've spent winters in Florida, in
Naples, Italy, all over the world I've traveled trying to find what
others find so easily, but I take my winter thoughts with me." He
smiled, but I wasn't comforted. He wasn't joking, though his tone tried
to be light. There was a darkness deep as a bottomless pit behind each
of his pupils. "But the spring always returns, followed by the summer,"
I said quickly,\"that's what I used to keep telling myself when we were
cold and hungry and the snow was six feet high and it was seven miles to
Winnerrow." His soft, dark eyes caressed me and flooded warmth into my
face. He poured more champagne into my glass. "I wish I could have known
you then, and Tom, and the others. You could have given me so much of
the kind of strength you have."

Troy! Stop talking like that!" I flared, frightened because I didn't
understand his mood and angry because he should be kissing me now,
taking off my clothes, not talking. "What are you trying to tell me?
That you don't love me? That you're regretting you've made me love you?
Well, I'm not sorry about anything. I'll never be sorry you gave me at
least one night with you! And if you think you can scare me off, you are
quite wrong. I'm in your life, Troy, deep into Your life. And if the
winter makes you sad and morbid, then together we'll follow the sun, and
all

during those nights my arms will hold you so fast you'll never have
another nightmare!" But even as I passionately reached for him, my heart
teetered on the edge of a precipice, ready to plunge and die if he
rejected me! I don't want to hear anymore!" I cried before my lips
pressed down on his. "Not now, please not now!" PART TWO

Thirteen January in July SEY TIMES TROY TRIED TO TELL ME HIS CHEERless
tale of winter and weakness and death. But I was protective of our joy
and passion and I kissed him into silence, again and again. For three
nights and two days we were ardent lovers who could not bear to be
-Parted for more than a few minutes at a time. We -di t beyond the
gardens that surrounded Farthy,\"- t even risk riding through the woods
anymore.

chose the safe paths for our horses, never going t far, eager to return
to the cottage and the security each other's arms. And then one early
evening when the rain had moved off to sea and the sun finally again on
the horizon, Troy again held me on the floor in front of his fire. This
time he was very insistent. YOU have to listen. Don't try to put me off
again. I dOWt Want to ruin your life just because there's a shadow over
mine." Will Your story ruin what we have now?" 3 "I don't know. That
will be your decision."

And you are willing to risk losing me?"

No, I hope never to lose you, but if I have to, I will. ,\"NoP' I cried,
jumping up and racing for his doorway. "Let me have all of this summer
without thought of winter!" Out of his cottage, and into the maze I
walked, through the chill evening mists that were gathering in the tight
lanes of the hedges. To my great consternation, I almost dashed headlong
and heedless into the small group that was before the front steps of
Farthinggale Manor, unloading Tony's long black limousine.

Jillian and Tony were back! Quickly I ducked again into the maze. I
didn't want them to see me now, coming back from Troy's cottage.

As the chauffeur carried in the luggage, I heard Tony rebuke Jillian for
not having notified me. "You mean you didn't call Heaven yesterday as
you promised?"

Really, Tony, I thought about it several times, but there were
interruptions, and she'll be more surprised and thrilled if we return
unexpectedly. I know at her age, I'd have been delighted to receive all
the nice things we've brought her from London." As soon as they
disappeared into the house, I ran to the side door and up the back
stairs to my rooms, and once there, I hurled myself down on the bed and
broke into a torrent of tears, tears that I quickly dried when Tony
knocked on my door and called my name. "We're home, Heaven. May I come
in?" In a way I was very glad to see him again, he was so 3 ni mated as
he plied me with questions as what I'd been doing, and how I had managed
to keep myself happy, occupied, and entertained. h, the lies I told
should make Granny flip over in grave. Behind my back I kept my fingers
crossed.

d about my graduation ceremony, said again was very sorry he had had to
miss it. He quizzed me about the parties I'd attended, whom I'd seen,
and had I met any young men? And not once did he look suspicious as the
lies rolled from my tongue. Why didn't he suspect it was Troy I'd find
most convenient? Had he forgotten all the rules he'd laid out for me to
obey? "Good," he said,\"I'm glad you enjoyed summer television fare. I
find TV a bore, but then, I didn't grow up in the Willies. " He gave me
a broad smile of great charm, even if it did appear mocking. "I hope You
found time to read a few good books." always find time to read." His.
blue eyes narrowed as he leaned to hug me before he turned again toward
the door. "Befpre dinner Jillian and I want to give you all the gifts
very carefully selected for you. Now, how about W.Uhing the tear stains
from your face before you O Lnge your clothes for the evening." I hadn't
fooled him, only deluded myself into > believing he wasn't as discerning
as before. Still, when I was in the library, and Jillian was ",-""".-w
taring a long hostess gown, smiling at me as I OM ned my gifts from
London, he didn't ask what had me cry. "Do you like everythingT' asked
Jill Who had given me clothes, clothes, and more "The sweaters will fit,
won't they?" 3 "Everything is beautiful, and yes, the sweaters will
fiCI "And what about my gifts?" questioned Tony. He had given me
extravagant costume jewelry, and a heavy box that was lined with blue
velvet. "They don't make toilet items today like they did in the
Victorian era. That dresser set you have is antique and very valuable."
On my lap I carefully held the tapestry box with a heavy silver hand
mirror, a hair brush, a comb, two crystal powder boxes with ornate
silver tops, and two perfume bottles that matched the set. Staring down
at them I was taken back in time to when I'd first opened my mother's
suitcase at the age of ten. Upstairs, hidden deep in one of my closets
was the old suitcase that my mother had carried with her into the
Willies, and inside it, another silver dressing set, though not as
complete as the silver set I held.

I felt suddenly helpless, snared in a time warp. Surely Tony had noticed
the dresser set that Jillian had already given me. I didn't need
another. The most peculiar thought came to my mind, for at that very
moment I realized how very unfair it was of me not to listen to what
Troy had to say. Unfair to him, and to myself.

Late that very night, long after dinner was over and Jillian and Tony
had retired, I stole back through the maze to the cottage, to find Troy
moodily pacing his living room floor. His welcoming smile shone bright
and immediate, lifting my heart. "They're back," I informed
breathlessly, closing the door and leaning against it. "You should see
all the things they brought me. I have enough clothes for a dozen
college girls." 3 It appear to listen to what I said, only appeared to
hear what I left unsaid. "Why do you look so disturbed?" he asked,
holding out his arms so Lcould run into them.

 Troy, I'm ready to listen to what you have to say, matter what it is."
What did Tony say to you?" Nothing. He asked a few questions about how
I'd spent my time while he and Jillian were gone, but he > didn't
mention you. I found it strange that he didn't ask where you were, and
if we had met. It was almost M if you didn't exist, and it scared me."
He pressed his forehead to mine briefly, then pulled his expression
totally unrevealing, and now that was more than ready to hear him out,
he seemed Muctant to begin. With gentleness rather than pas- he kissed
me and touched my hair. He traced his over my cheek, and then, holding
me close turned toward his huge picture window that over- the sea. His
arm slipped around my waist so he draw my back tight against his front.
"Don't ask st ions until I've had my say. Listen with an open for I'm
serious." he began to talk I sensed every molecule of his was striving
to reach out and force me to understand even what he himself must have
found li cable

 not that I don't love you, Heavenly, that I kept jung m saying
what I have to. I love you very It's not that I'm trying to find an
excuse not to you, it's only my frail attempt to help you find a to save
yourself." j t'didn't understand, and yet by this time I knew I A 3 M-
l> h together by circumstances beyond their control, so they grew to
need each other, and then one day something dreadful happened that he
never understood, and the new sister he'd grown to love ran away. "Tony
was in Europe when Leigh ran from here. He came flying back in response
to Jillian's desperate calls. I know they hired detective agencies to
try and find her, but Leigh disappeared as if from the face of the
earth. They both expected her to show up in Texas where her grandmother
and aunts lived. She never showed up. Jillian cried all the time, and I
know now that Tony blamed her for your mother's disappearance. I knew
Leigh had died long before you came lore with your news. I knew it the
very day it happened, for I dreamed it, and you have only confirmed that
my dream was true. My dreams always come true.

I "After Leigh left, I fell ill with rheumatic fever and was confined to
bed for almost two years. Tony ordered Jillian to give up her social
activities and devote all her time to taking care of me, even though I
had a British nanny named Bertie that I adored, and I'd,' ten times
rather have been left alone with Bertie than with Jillian. Jillian
frightened me with her long finger nails and quick, careless movements;
I sensed bet impatience with a little boy who just didn't know how to
stay well. I've never been sick a day of my life,' she used to say to
me. I began to get the idea that I was, indeed, a flawed and inadequate
child. who was spoiling the lives of others-and that's when the dreams
began. Sometimes they were wonderful, but more often they were
terrifying nightmares that led me to believe I'd ly be happy, never
really be healthy, never Aly have anything that others find easy to
obtaina y things that everyone expects to come about r it lives, such as
having friends, dating and falling > and living long enough to see my
own children I began dreaming of my own death-my own a young man. And as
I grew older and began i -pulled away from those who made attempts
me, afraid in the end I'd be hurt if ever I too vulnerable. Alone and
different I Own drummer, made up my own music, my lonely course through
life until it was it would be over in not so many years. to involve
anyone in my misery so they t as I was hurt by knowing fate was to hold
back, I flared,\"Troy, certainly a intelligence doesn't believe fate
rules what I've been forced to believe. Nothing retold in my nightmares
has failed to come s from the ocean blew cold and damp wind OPen
windows. Sea gulls and gannets ive ti ly as the waves of the sea crashed
on M head lay on his chest and through his y jacket I could feel the
thump of his heart. only the dreams of a sick little boy," I knowing
even as I spoke that he'd held his too long for me to change them now.

seem to hear me. "No one could have had ted brother than I did, but
still there was used her grief for the loss of her daughter 3 to pull
Tony from me more and more. She had to travel to forget her grief. She
had to shop in Paris, London, Rome, and escape the memories of Leigh.
Tony would mail me postcards and small gifts from all over the world,
instilling in me the determination that I, too, once I was an adult,
would see the Sahara, climb the pyramids, and so forth. School was no
real challenge for me. High grades came much too easily, so the friends
I might have made were turned off by what the teachers considered a
child prodigy. I sailed through college without ever being accepted by
anyone. I was years younger, and an embarrassment to older boys. The
girls teased me for being just a kid. I was always on the outside
looking in, and then at age eighteen, I graduated from Harvard with
honors and straight from my graduation I went to Tony and' told him I was
going to see the world as he had seen it. "He didn't want me to go. He
pleaded for me to wait until he could accompany me  but he had business
to attend to, and time was pushing at me, telling me to hurry, hurry,
for soon it would be too late. So in the end I rode, perhaps, the same
camels over the same sands of the Sahara as Tony and Jillian had,- and
climbed the same rugged steps of the pyramids, and I discovered, much to
my chagrin, that the exotic trips I made in my imagination, while I lay
on my bed picturing how it would be, were by far the best voyages." By
this time his voice held me in a tight bind of fear. When he stopped
talking, I came back to myself with a startling jolt. I was disturbed by
all that he'd left unsaid. He had everything at his fingertips, a huge
fortune to share, intelligence, good looks, and he was

fi dish dreams rob him of hope for a long and happy future! It was that
house, I told myself, that > huge house with its many rambling halls and
unused > spooky rooms. It was a lonely little boy with too much ""C on
his hands. Yet, how could that be, when the Casteels, who had so little,
had always clung usly to the belief that the future held every I lifted
my head and tried to say with kisses  , everything I didn't know how to
put into words. "Oh, there is so much we both haven't experienced. All
you needed was a companion with you when you travoled, and you would
have found every place just as exciting as you imagined, I'm sure that's
true. I'm going to believe that all the dreams Tom and I when we were
growing up about exploring the grid will be disappointing when
realized." -Hi s eyes turned into dark forest pools, holding the of the
ages. "You and Tom are not doomed as ou have the world ahead of you; my
world will s be shadowed by the dreams I've had that have come true, and
by my knowledge of the ers that are about to come true. For I have amed
of my death many times. I've seen my own vest one though I can never
read more than my full etched on it. You see, Heavenly, I was never P'
made for this world. I've always been sickly and Incholy. Your mother
was like me-that's why we me so important to one another. And when she p
eared, when I dreamed of her death and knew p gO dream told the truth, I
couldn't understand why I on living. For , like Leigh, long for things
that never be found in this world. Like her, I shall die ..........

 
young. Truly, Heaven, I have no future. How can I take someone as
young, bright, and loving as you down the dark path that is mine? How
can I marry you only to make you a widow? How can I father a child who I
will soon leave fatherless, just as I was left fatherless? Do you really
want to love a man who is doomed, Heave nT Doomed? I shivered and clung
to him, suddenly washed over with the stunning realization of just what
his poetry was all about. Mortality! Insecurity! Wishing for an early
death because life was disappointing! But I was here now! Never again
would he feel needing, or lonely, or disappointed, and with desperate
passion I began to unbutton his jacket, as my lips pressed down on his,
until both of us were naked and wet, and sensuality ruled, and even if
it had been snow falling outside rather than merely a light drizzle of
rain, surely our burning need to possess one another time and time again
would lead him onward into the future, until we were both so old death
would be welcomed.

That night, even though Tony and Jillian were back, I stayed with Troy.
I was not going to let him sink into his morbid fantasies. Tony or no
Tony, I would stay with Troy and convince him to marry me, and Tony
would have to accept it. I awoke late the next mom- ing, knowing that
Troy had at last decided to trust me, to marry me. I could hear him
rattling around in the kitchen. The aroma of fresh, homemade bread
wafted to my quivering nostrils. I had never felt so alive before, so
beautiful and feminine and perfect. I lay with my arms crossed over my
breasts, listening to the sound of the kitchen cabinets opening and
closing as if

g Schubert's Serenade. The slam of the > refrigerator was a cymbal
crashing at exactly the right time. Music that wasn't there moved the
hairs on my ioad and on my skin. All my life I'd been searching what I
felt now, and then I was crying from the X" : i f of knowing the search
was over.

was going to marry me was giving me t to Color all the rest of his LIFE
with rainbows ad of gray. Languid and sleepy-eyed, full of st delirious
happiness, I drifted toward the kit ch- Troy turned from the stove to
smile at me. "We'll to tell Tony we plan to marry, and soon." A flutter
of panic made my heart skip, but I didn't d Tony's support now. Once
Troy and I were d and wife, everything would work out fine- and for me.
at very afternoon, we went hands clasped, ugh the maze toward
Farthinggale Manor, and the library where Tony was, seated behind his The
late afternoon sun beamed through his his and fell in bright patches on
his colorful rug. had called to tell him we were on our way, and s it
was wary cunning I saw on his face, and not t.lume smile of pleasure.
"Well," he said on seeing -holding,\"you have both disregarded me, you
come to me looking like two people very in love." kw took the wind from
my sails, if not Troy's, and sly I tugged my hand free from Troy's. "It
just ned," I whispered weakly.

going to be married on my birthday," said defiantly. "September ninth."
wait a minute!" roared Tony, rising to his

feet and putting both palms flat on his desk. "You have told me all
your adult life, Troy, that you would never marryl And never wanted
children!" Troy reached for my hand and pulled me close to his side. "I
didn't anticipate meeting anyone like Heaven. She's given me hope and
inspiration to go on, despite what I believe." As I pressed against
Troy's side, Tony smiled in the oddest kind of way. "I suppose I'll just
be wasting my breath if I object and say Heaven is too young, and her
background too different to make you a suitable wife."

That's correct," said Troy staunchly. "Before the leaves of autumn fall
to the ground, Heavenly and I will be on our way to Greece." Again my
heart skipped. Troy and I had only talked vaguely about a honeymoon. I
had thought of some local resort where we could spend a few days, and
then on to Radcliffe, where I would study English. And soon, much to my
amazement, all three of us were seated on a long leather couch, making
plans for the wedding. Not for one minute did I believe he was going to
let that marriage occur, especially when he smiled at me time and again.
"BY the way, my dear," Tony said to me pleasantly,\"Winterhaven has
forwarded to you a few letters without return addresses." The only
person who wrote me was Tom. "Now we must send for Jillian and give her
your good news." Was that sarcasm behind his smile? I couldn't tell, for
Tony was not someone I could read.

 Thank you for accepting this so well, Tony. Especially after your
reports of how I behaved when you told me about your upcoming marriage
to Jillian."

a moment Jillian sauntered into the room and t fully into a chair.
"What's this I hear  ce someone getting married?" and Heaven," explained
Tony, turning hard w on his wife, as if ordering her to say nothing to
"Isn't this wonderful news to either one of us.

the end of a perfect summer day?" at said nothing, nothing at all. She
turned those blue eyes on me, and they were blank, alarmingly blank.
wedding plans and guest lists were made that evening, leaving me.
speechless with the swiftness s and Jillian's acceptance of a situation
I had ny ved neither would allow to happen. By the time and I kissed
good night in the front foyer, We oth overwhelmed by the pace of Tony's
plans. t ny wonderful?" he asked. "I truly believed e all sorts of
objections, and he had none. All he's tried to give me everything I
wanted." res sed in a daze before I remembered the two that Tony had put
on my small desk. Both were from Tom, who had heard from Fanny. s living
in some cheap rooming house in and wants me to write to you for money.
Imn bet she'd call you herself, but it seems she r address book, and
she's never had the kind of y to retain numbers, you know that. Besides,
l weps in touch with Pa, begging him to send A I didn't want to give
Fanny your address again your permission She could ruin everything
Heavenly, I know she could. She wants part Y u ve got, and will do
anything to get it, for it She went through that ten thousand the Wises
r in short order." It was just what I'd feared

most; Fanny didn't know one thing about handling money.

His next letter gave even more disturbing news. "I don't think I'll be
going on to college, Heavenly. Without you beside me urging me on, I
just don't have the will or the desire to keep on studying. Pa's doing
pretty good financially, and he never even finished grade school, so
I've been thinking I'd go into his business and get married one day when
I meet the right girl. It was just a joke to please you, that talk of
being president of our country. Nobody would ever vote for a guy like
me, with a hillbilly accent." And not one word to even hint at just what
business Pa was involved in! Three times I read over Tom's two letters.
Everything wonderful was happening to me, and Tom'was stuck down there
in some hick town in south Georgia, giving up his dreams of becoming
someone important  it wasn't right or fair. I couldn't believe Pa could
ever be successful in any really important way. Why, I'd heard Pa say
he'd never read a book through to the end, and adding a string of
figures had taken him hours. What kind of work could he do that would
pay well?- Tom was sacrificing himself in order to help Pa! That's the
conclusion I reached.

Again I raced through the moonlit, crooked paths of the maze, startling
Troy out of sleep when I called his name.

He came out of dreams looking boyishly confused before he smiled. "How
nice that you've come," he said sleepily. "I'm sorry to wake you up, but
I couldn't wait for morning." Switching on his bedside lamp, I handed

letters. "Please read these, then tell me what you think.' In seconds he
finished both letters. "I see nothing > alarming enough to put that
desperate look on your All we have to do is send your sister the money
needs, and we can help Tom in that way, too." M won't take money from
you, or from me. will, of course. But it's Tom I am most worried I don't
want Tom stuck down there doing > Affiout. at ever Pais, giving up his
life in order to help Pa p t his new family. or I said, daring to
disappoint him with my "I must go visit my family before our wedding. ed
his hands and kissed them over an dover "Do you understand, darling? I'm
so happy, is so good, I must do something to help them AC I begin my
wonderful new life with you. I know help both of them, just by visiting
them, showing I still care, showing them they can always count e. And
they can, can't they, Troy? You won't if my family comes to visit us
after we're d will you? You'll welcome them into our P won't you?" With
pleading eyes I waited for reply. pulled my hands that grasped his, and
brought n on top of him on the bed. "I've been waiting u my news,
Heaven, for several days. I hope forgive me for postponing it, but I
couldn't bear Our idyll to come to an end and I knew as soon as I -you
that you'd rush off." He kissed me again and before he smiled and
continued: "I've heard the attorneys. Darling, I have such good news T.
Now you'll be able to visit your entire family,

for we have found Lester Rawlings! He lives in Chevy Chase, Maryland,
and is the father of two adopted children named Keith and JaneP' It was
difficult to breathe, not to be drowned by everything that was happening
so fast. "It's all right, all right," Troy soothed as I began to cry.
"There's plenty of time before our wedding for you to set everything
straight. I'll be happy to go with you to visit the Rawlingses and to
see your younger brother and younger sister; we can then decide just
what action you want to take, if any."

They're mine!" I cried out unreasonably. "I have to have them under my
roof again!" Again he kissed me. "Decide later what to do. And after
we've seen Keith and Our Jane we will travel on to visit your brother
and father, and finish our trip by visiting Fanny, and in the meanwhile,
let's telegraph Fanny a few thousand dollars to see her over until we
arrive.

Unfortunately, it wasn t to be that way. While I slept safe and secure
in my Farthinggale Manor bed, thinking now that Troy and I should deny
our passion until we were married, Troy fell into deep sleep with all of
his bedroom windows open. And a terrible northeaster swept in to blast
us with rain, hail, and blustery winds. The worst of the wind and rain
didn't waken me until six in the morning. I looked out of my bedroom
windows to see the devastation of the perfect lawns, now littered with
uprooted trees, broken branches, and other debris. And when I ran to
Troy's cottage, I found him feverishand congested, barely able to
breathe.- I was truly terrified s I called Tony and an ambulance came to
rush Troy to the hospital. Just when he

to be the most happy, he had fallen deathly ill with, pneumonia Had he
somehow brought it on purposely, unable to accept the love and happiness
he deserved? I would not let this happen again. W n we were married, I
would be there always to ct him from his worst fears, which now seemed c
have a way of making themselves come true.

what I want," whispered Troy from his hospibed, days later. "The worst
of my pneumonia is over,, and I know you are anxious to see Keith and
Our Jane again. There's no need for you to hang lg round while I recover
my strength. By the time you back, I'll be totally well." I didn't want
to leave him, even though he had the best of care, with private-duty
nurses around the k, and time and again I protested. Still, he kept
im-si sting I should have what I'd wanted for so long, my nce to see
Keith and Our Jane again. And as he me, and assured me he'd be fine,
something rr rr pt insisting that I hu y, hu y, before it was too

" You're leaving him?" Tony shouted, when I told I was planning a short
trip. I didn't want to tell the truth about where I was going, fearing
he'd to stop me. "Now, when he needs you, you are ing in New York for a
trousseau? What kind of is that? Heaven, I thought you loved my herl You
promised me you would be his salva- ."I do love him, I do, but Troy is
insisting I go ahead our wedding preparations. And he's out of r now,
isn't he?" Out of danger?" Tony repeated dully,\"No, he will 3  =a- j!j
I , Fourteen inners and Losers THE SECOND FLIGHT OF MY LIFE TOOK ME
FROM Boston's Logan Airport to New York City, and there I changed planes
and headed straight to Washington, D.C. My veneer of sophistication was
pitifully thin. I wanted to appear cool and controlled while underneath
I was ridden by anxiety, terrified of doing everything wrong. The
bustling activity of La Guardia confused me. I had hardly reached my gate
when passengers began to board. I wanted a window seat and was grateful
when a young businessman eagerly stood up and offered me his. Soon I
found out there was a price to pay for the seat, for he plied me with
too many questions, wanting me to meet him later, and share a drink, and
keep him from being lonely. "I'm on my way to meet my husband," I said
in a cool, forbidding voice,\"and I don't drink." Shortly after that, he
abandoned his seat and found another unaccompanied young woman to sit
beside. I felt much older than I had when I flew away from West Virginia
last September.

 
September to August, not quite a year, and I aduated high school, been
accepted to college, found a man to love, a man who really needed who
didn't pity me as Logan had. I looked around t I e other passengers,
most of whom were dressed re casually than I was in my pale blue summer
suit that had cost more than the Casteels used to on a year s supply of
food. > above the ground, with only the billowing clouds to see, I felt
the strangest sensation of fr an enchanted sleep that had ben the OM gu
ved at Farthinggale Manor. This was the real sixty-one-year-old women
didn't appear ty. No one looked fastidious and impeccably even those
seated with me in the first class Babies we retrying back in the tourist
section.. Ibr the very first time I realized that not once entered
Farthinggale Manor had I really left its Even at Winterhaven its
tentacles had d out to let me know who was in full control of I closed
my eyes and thought of Troy, silently for his swift recovery. Had Troy
spent too of his life in that huge house, where the on and selling of
make-believe dominated? For t I was away from the influence of Farthy,
his beyond the maze seemed but an extension of Uld seem to some a
make-believe castle. n I arrived in Baltimore, I felt grateful to Tony,
had called to make hotel reservations for me. this was not truly an
unmapped quest. Not when usme with a driver waited for me. Even on this
to find my long lost brother and sister, the I and influence of
Farthinggale Manor still the strings of Heaven Leigh Casteel.

 
"You will have to make your own arrangements for visiting the
Rawlingses," Tony had warned early this morning,\"and I anticipate you
are going to meet with a great deal of resentment from two parents who
won't want you bringing back the past to children who may have adjusted
to their new lifestyle very well. And you must keep remembering that you
are one of us now, no longer a Cas teeM I would always be a Casteel; I
knew this even as pulled in my breath, rose from my luncheon table, and
made my way to a telephone booth. In my mind I had pictures of just how
it would be. Keith and Our Jane would be thrilled to see me again.

Hev-lee, Hev-lee, Our Jane would shriek, her pretty, small face lit up
with happiness. She'd then race into my welcoming arms and cry from the
relief of knowing I still cared and wanted her.

Behind her would come Keith, much slower and shyer, but he'd know me.
He'd be thrilled and happy, too.

Beyond that I couldn't plan. The legal fight to take Keith and Our Jane
from those substitute parents would take years perhaps, according to
what the Tatterton attorneys had said, and Tony didn't want me to win.
"It won't be fair to Troy to saddle him with two children who may resent
him, and you know how sensitive he is. When you are his wife, devote
yourself to him, and the children he will father." Holding the receiver
tight to my ear, I grew nervous and apprehensive as the telephone rang
and rang. What if they had gone on vacation? Breathlessly I let their
phone ring and ring, waiting for someone to respond. I waited for the
sweet voice of Our Jane. I didn't expect Keith to respond to a
telephone, not,

'is, if he was still the reticent little boy I used to -"''know so well.

Three times I called the number Troy had given me, and no one was home.
I ordered another slice of blueberry pie to remind me of the pies that
Granny to make on rare occasions, and sipped my third of coffee ,,, At
three o'clock I left the restaurant. An elevator me to the fifteenth
floor of the magnificent hotel, ry kind of posh hotel that Tom and I
used to about when we lay on mountain slopes and d our exceptional
futures. I was planning to Baltimore only over the weekend, and yet Tony
Plought it absolutely necessary that I have a suite ms mstead of only
one. There was a pretty room, and adjoining that, a fully equipped
kitchen where everything was black and white very shiny.

urs passed. It was ten o'clock when I gave up on >",,Rawlingses, and put
in a call to Troy. ow, now," he soothed,\"perhaps they took then on a
special outing that lasts all day, and rrow they will be home. Of course
I'm all right. ct, for the first time I'm really excited by the and all
it holds for both of us. I have been a darling, haven't I? Believing
that fate planned, before I was born, to kill me before I reached the of
twenty-five. Thank God you came into my life n you did, just in time to
save me from myself." reams of Troy filled my sleep with restlessness.

and again he shrank to child size, and drifted from me, calling out as
Keith used to do, -lee, Hev-leeP' as up early the next day, impatiently
waiting. for

 ei£ht o'clock. And this time when I called, a woman s voice answered.
"Mrs. Lester Rawlings, please."

Who is calling?" I gave her my name, saying I wanted to visit my brother
and sister, Keith and Jane Casteel. Her sharp intake of breath
communicated her shock. "Oh, no!" she whispered, then I heard the click
of her phone. I was left with the dial tone. Immediately I called her
back.

On and on the phone rang. until Rita Rawlings finally answered.
"Please," she begged with tears in her voice,\"don't disturb the peace
of two wonderfully happy children who have adapted successfully to a new
family and new lives."

They are blood-related to me, Mrs. Rawlings! They were mine long before
they were yours!' "Please, please," she begged. "I know you love them. I
remember very well how you looked that day when we took them away, and I
do understand, how you must feel. When first they came to live with us,
it was you they were always crying for. But they haven't cried for you
in more than two years. They call me Mother or Mommy now, and they call
my husband Daddy. They are fine, mentally and physically  I'll send you
photographs, health and school reports, but please, I beg of you, don't
come to remind them of all the hardships they had to endure when they
lived in that pitiful shack in the Willies." Now it was my turn to
plead. "But you don't understand, Mrs. Rawlings! I have to see them
again! I have to make sure they are happy and healthy, or else I can't
find happiness myself. Each day of my life I vow to find Keith and Our
Jane. I hate my father for

e di it eats at me night and day. You have to allow me to see them, even
if they don't see me." The reluctance expressed in her delayed reply
could , have turned aside someone less relentless than I was. > All
right, if you must do this thing. But you have se to keep yourself
hidden from my children. pro mi if after you see them they don't appear
to you to bealthy, happy, and secure, then my husband and I do
everything within our power to see that we dy that situation." ew at
that moment that this was a strong-willed n, determined to keep her
family intact, and gh hell she'd fight to keep them hers and not that
Saturday I prowled small shops, looking for M --- the right gifts to
give Fanny, Tom, and Grandpa. I bought several things for Keith and Our
Jane to to the others I was saving for that day when we be a family
again. un day morning I awakened with high hopes and excitement. At ten
the limousine and driver put my disposal drew to a slow, careful stop
before an copal ian church that was almost medieval in flen. I knew just
where the two children I longed to would be, in their Sunday School
class. Rita lines had given me detailed instructions on how find their
classroom, and what to do once I was "And if you love them, Heaven, keep
your se. Think of their needs and not your own, and out of sight." e
church was cool and dim inside, the mafty halls g and twisting.
Well-dressed people smiled at me.

 
to to their heights and given both their faces more maturity and
character, and yet I would have known them anywhere, for time had not
changed some things. Repeatedly Keith glanced at his younger sister,
checking on her comfort, on her happiness, showing a remarkable amount
of manly concern for her welfare, while Our Jane habitually held on to
her babyish mannerisms that had won her so much attention in the past.
It was not likely she would abandon them.

Oh, Granny would be so happy to know her beauty hadn't been permanently
sacrificed in the hills, for Annie Brandywine lived again in Our Jane!
And beside her Keith had to resemble Grandpa more than he did any of
Sarah's large, rawboned family. Once I had thought the shadowed hollows
beneath both sets of their eyes would never go away, and such small.
pale faces would never look as they did now, happy to be alive.

Several children just in front of me turned to stare quizzically my way.
I held my breath until their stares were satisfied, and once again they
pivoted to listen to their teacher. If either my younger sister or
brother turned to look back in my direction, I intended to hide quickly.
I prayed that no one would come to question why I was there.

The story of David ended. I listened to the question-and-answer period
that followed and heard the sweet, small voice of Keith as he
hesitatingly responded only after he had been directly prompted.
However. Our Jane was constantly waving her small, shapely hand, eager
to pipe her question or answer.

"How could a tiny stone kill a huge giant?" she asked. I didn't listen
to the teacher's answer.

 
n the children were standing, and prissy little

is adjusted their clothes. Our Jane clutched her r small white purse
more securely. "", The excited chatter of the departing children might
what Our Jane said next, but my ears ened for her voice. y, KeithP' she
urged,\"We're going to Su I party this afternoon, and we don't want to
be followed at a distance behind the two little ones I dreamed of, and
jealously I watched Our Jane herself into Rita Rawlings's waiting arms.
Slighthind his wife, Lester Rawlings stood, as fat and as ever. He laid
a possessive hand on Keith's der before he turned his head and looked
direct- A, me t More than' three years had passed since he seen me,
backed up to the wall in that mountain K my dress dirty and ragged, my
feet bare. And it seemed he recognized me. I had changed a great from
that waif but still he knew me. It could been the tears streaming down
my face that d me. He said something to his wife, who the two children
into a Cadillac, and then he e I d at me with genuine sympathy. Thank
you," he said simply.

r the second time in my life I watched that lawyer his wife drive off in
a Cadillac, taking with them parts of myself. I stood staring after them
until drizzle of rain evaporated into steam, and the sun e out hot and
brilliant, and a rainbow arched in sky, and only then did I stroll
toward my owning car. Not yet, not yet, some small voice in me ar ned
Later on you can claim them.

I instructed my driver to follow the dark blue

Cadillac ahead, for I wanted to see the house where the Rawlingses
lived. After a ten-minute drive, the Cadillac ahead turned onto a quiet,
tree-lined street, then pulled into a long, curving drive. "Stop across
the street," I ordered my driver, thinking that the heavy shade and many
thick tree trunks would shield the limo if the Rawlingses just happened
to check and see if they were followed. Apparently they didn't check.

Theirs was a nice, colonial-style house, large, but not huge like
Farthinggale Manor. The red bricks were old and partially covered with
ivy, and the lawns were wide and well tended, with flowers and shrubs in
full summer bloom. Oh, indeed, this was a palace in comparison to that
listing shack perched high on a mountainside. There was no reason for my
heart to hurt. They were better off here, they were, they were.

They didn't need me. Not now. A long time ago they'd stopped speaking my
name, stopped having bad dreams. Oh, the cries of hunger in the night
that I used to hear coming from the floor pallet of the two small
children that once I'd considered mine! "Hev-lee, Hev-lee, are ya going
somewhere?" they had asked, after their own mother abandoned them, their
shadowed eyes pleading with me never to leave them. "Will you be driving
bark to the hotel now, miss?" asked my driver after half an hour had
passed. I couldn't tear myself away.

On impulse I opened the door and stepped out on the shady sidewalk.
"Wait for me here. I'll be back in a few minutes." I couldn't just drive
off without seeing and knowing

riot after all the heartache I'd suffered since that horrible day when
Pa sold his two youngest.

Furtively I slipped into the side yard where a colorful, heavy-duty gym
set seemed to wait for the who used it. I stole quietly onto a broad, the
patio where chairs and a table with a pretty d umbrella jostled each
other for closest position th kidney-shaped swimming pool. Keeping so e
to the house Iwasbeneaththe level of the many windows, and I was soon
rewarded with the d

f children's voices coming through the open S of one room. I was
crouched low behind huge masonry pots n living shrubs, staring through
the glass of doors that opened into what had to be an sed sun porch.

eautiful room was full of sunlight, and chairs a sofa sported soft, fat
cushions covered with flowered chintz. Houseplants in macram, hung from
the ceiling in healthy array, and the

red with rich, sea blue rugs. On the r was cove st blue rug Keith and
Our Jane were seated, gwith glass marbles that they had arranged the
main center oval of the rug. Both children changed from their church
outfits into dressier thes. From the meticulous way they moved, they
obviously trying to keep themselves clean and for the upcoming party.
-couldn't stop staring.

e tiered and ruffled skirt of Our Jane's white a dress fell from a high,
smocked bodice, and ned to the right of where the tiers met the bodice
pale green satin ribbons that fell to the hem of

her skirt. Tiny, pink silk rosettes formed a bouquet from which the
ribbons streamed. She had taken great pains to arrange the skirt around
her so it formed a flattering circle. Her red gold hair had been brushed
back from her face and was held high on the crown of her head with
another green satin ribbon tied into a bow, and the ribbon streamers
were finished off with the same tiny, silk rosettes. I had never seen a
child's dress that was more beautiful or becoming to its wearer than the
one Our Jane now wore.

Directly across from Our Jane, sitting cross-legged, his feet in shiny
new white shoes, Keith's fresh suit was white linen, and his bow tie
matched exactly the pale jade green of the ribbons decorating Our Jane's
dress and hair. It was very apparent that a great deal of thought had
been given to their clothes.

When finally I could skip my eyes away from them long enough to see the
appointments of the room, saw a long table that held a small computer.
Nearby was another table with a printer. A radio was playing. In a
corner was an artist's easel, and, a table and taboret. I knew who the
easel was meant for-it was for Keith, who had inherited his
grandfather's artistic talent! Any paint that Keith might drop or spill
would fall on tile that could easily be wiped up. And everywhere there
were dolls, as if Our Jane wasn't reaching maturity as swiftly as other
girls ten years old.

Then, to my dismay, low on the bottom door panel in front of me appeared
two small paws and the friendly face of a small puppy. His tail wagged
furiously as he saw me down on my hands and knees, my nose almost
pressing on the glass. He whined, opened his mouth to yip several
times-and the children,

I had not expected to turn their heads my way,, fixed their wide,
surprised eyes directly on me! I didn't know what to do! The wiggling
puppy began to yip louder, and afraid that the Rawlingses would be
alarmed, I quickly to my feet and stepped through the unlocked Neither
Keith nor Our Jane spoke. They seemed frozen as they sat on the floor
before > Aheir colorful ring of marbles. It was too late now to slip
away unseen. I tried to ,,snifle reassuringly. "It's all right," I said
softly, standing just inside the doorway. "I'm not going to do
onything to disturb your lives. I just wanted to see you again. St' they
stared' their rosy lips parted, their eyes g and growing darker, as
shadows came into the e of Our Jane's turquoise eyes and deepened the er
in Keith's. The puppy frolicked about my feet, ed at my ankles, then
stood on hind legs to paw at skirt. My brother and sister seemed
terrified. It ed me to see their expressions. oftly, softly, lest I
frighten them more: "Keith, Jane, look at me. Surely you haven't
forgotten I am?" I smiled, still anticipating their cries of delight
when recognized me, as many a time in my dreams I'd beard them
say,\"Hev-lee! You've come! You've ,tayed us!" But neither one said
that. With some awkwardness slowly rose to his feet. The pupils of his
amber eyes enlarging with each beat of his pulse. He glanced With
concern at Our Jane, tugged at his green bow tie, tightened his parted
lips, looked again at me, then

F

he'd started to add,\"He's the spitting image of Pa. Instead he
said,\"Why aren't you saying anything?" How nice that Pa always gets
what he wants," I commented bitterly. "Some people are lucky that way.
"C'mon, Heavenly, stop that! Be fair. The kid isn't guilty of any crime.
He's damned cute, and even you would have to admit that."

What did Pa name his third son?" I asked out of pure, spiteful
vindictiveness. "Hey! I hate your cold tone of voice. Why can't you let
the past die in peace, like I have? Pa and Stacie let me name the baby.
Remember a long time ago who used to be our favorite explorers? Walter
Raleigh and Frances Drake? Well, we got us Walter Drake. We call him
Drake."

I remember," I said, ice in my voice. "I think it's a terrific name.
Drake CasteeIT' More merchandise for Pa to sell was my mean thought
before I abruptly changed the subject. "Tom, I'm in Atlanta. I'm
planning on renting a car and driving to your place, and I don't want to
run into Pa."

That's wonderful, Heavenly, just wonderful!" he enthusiastically cried.
"I don't want to see Pa when I come. Can you arrange to have him out of
the house?" Pain came into Tom's voice as he promised to do what he
could to keep Pa and me from meeting. Then he gave me detailed
directions on how to reach the small town where he lived, about twenty
miles from where a commuter plane would let me off in south Georgia.

 
roared Pa from a distance. "I said five joinutes, not ten! rye gotta go
now," Tom said urgently. "I'm but I'm gonna say this right happy -nlllll
yer comin, ya made a big mistake when ya shoved Logan tof yer life, an
let that Troy guy in! He's not yer That Troy Tatterton ya've written to
me about IMI never understand ya like Logan does, or love ya hair as
much.' country dialect had come back, as it always did he grew
passionate. Quickly I corrected him. It I been I who shoved Logan away,
it had been who had changed his mind.

ye,, Heavenly  see you tomorrow mornt eleven." He hung up without
further ado. stayed that night in Atlanta and early the next n pg rented
a car and drove south, rethinking all Toms letters that should have
warned me. "I lit nothing would ever come between you and ,' "J an. Its
living in that rich house, I know it is. It's IM nging you, Heavenly!
Why you don't even write or like yourself!"

You're not Fanny," he'd written once. "Girls like fall in love just
once, and don't ever change their What did he think I was, anyway? An
angel? A Runt without flaws? I wasn't an angel or a saint; I had the
wrong shade of hair. I was a dark angel, through "d through a no-good,
scumbag Casteel! Pa's da ugh- He'd made me what I was. Whatever I was.
had talked to Troy only last night, and he'd told A m --- to settle all
my family affairs quickly, and hurry to ll ini

 
"And if you can persuade Tom to come to our wedding, despite what Tony
said, you won't feel that all the guests are on my side. And perhaps
Fanny will come as well." Oh, Troy didn't know what he was asking for
when he invited my sister Fanny! I had all kinds of weird thoughts as I
drove in the early morning toward a small town I'd marked with a red
circle on a local map. I stared at the red dirt along the roadside,
allowing it to take me back to my time spent with Kitty and Cal
Dennison. For the first time since I'd flown from West Virginia, my
thoughts lingered on memories of Cal, and what had happened to him. Was
he still living in Candlewick? Had he sold the home that had belonged to
Kitty? Was he married again Surely he'd done the right thing when he put
me on the plane for Boston, allowing me to think that Kitty would live
despite her massive tumor.

I shook my head, not wanting to think of Cal when I had to concentrate
on my meeting with Tom. Somehow I had to persuade him to leave Pa and
continue his education. Troy would pay his tuition fees, buy his
clothes, and whatever else he needed. And even as I thought this, I had
to block out Tom's stubborn pride, the same kind that I had.

Then suddenly I was lost on back country roads. I pulled into a run-down
station with two gas tanks and asked the red-face f, skinny little man
there for directions. He stared at me as if he thought me crazy to be so
dressed up on a sizzling hot day like this. I wore a lightweight summer
suit, and I was hot, you bet, but I wasn't going to show up in just an
ordinary summer dress. My hands wore too many rings. and my neck was
heavy from too many necklaces. I was going to

ss somebody, even if they thought me foolish.

was the most expensive one I could rent.

I had to back up and turn around to find the right d that would take me
to Tom and the house where lived with his new family. A bit of Florida
hadn into Georgia and given the landscape a semi- I drew closer to my
destination look. As I ed my car to the side of the road to freshen my
p, and ten minutes later my long, dark blue In slowed to a halt in front
of a low and g contemporary ranch house. mb kind of sensation in my
chest made me feel to have come all these miles and put myself c reach
of Pa's cruelty again. What kind of I, anyway?. I shook my head, glanced
again in ew mirror to check my appearance, and looked again at the
modern house. It was ed of red cedar shingles. The shallow roofing the
many wide windows to create shade. trees shaded the roof, and
well-trimmed shrubs od the house, while flower beds curved outward the
shrubs to create colorful areas where not a grew. Oh, surely Pa was
proving something to with this house that had to have four to five ms.
And not one time had Tom even hinted at "'-what Pa did to earn enough
money to pay for such se.

re was Tom? Why wasn't he coming out of the lo greet me? Finally,
growing impatient, I left and stepped along the walkway leading to the d
door. I feared that Pa himself might be the one who responded to my
knock, despite Tom's to keep us apart. But I was all right. My er suit
that had cost more than a thousand C

dollars was as good as a suit of armor. My costly rings and necklaces
and earrings were my shield and my sword. I could slay dragons dressed
as I was. Or so I thought.

Impatiently I jabbed at the door bell. Inside I heard chimes play a few
notes. My heart thudded nervously. Butterffies beat small wings of panic
in my stomach. Then I heard footfalls approaching. I had Tom's name on
my lips when the door opened.

However, it was not Tom, as I'd hoped and prayed it would be; nor was it
the dreaded appearance of Pa. Instead, a very pretty young woinan with
blond hair and bright blue eyes swung open the door and smiled at me as
if she'd never known fear of strangers or dislike of anyone.

She took my breath away with her air of fresh innocence as she stood
behind the screen door, the cool rooms dim and shadowy and
clean-smelling in the background, smiling and waiting for me to identify
myself. She wore white shorts with a blue knit top, and carried easily
in one arm was a young child who appeared sleepy. Oh, that had to be
Drake, Pa's look-alike son  his third son. "Yes  T' she prompted when I
failed to speak.

I stood there nonplused, staring at a woman and little boy whose lives I
could easily destroy if I wanted.

And now that I was here I knew from my very shock, that in a way I had
not come just to save Tom; I had an ulterior motive, to ruin what
happiness Pa had. found. All that I could have shouted out to make her
hate Pa stuck like a lump in my throat so I had difficulty even
murmuring my name. "Heaven?" she asked, looking delighted. "You are
Heave nT Her welcoming smile broadened. "You are

black lashes. Oh, yes, he was the look-alike son that Sarah had prayed
to have when her fifth child had been deformed and stillborn.

Poor Sarah. Not for the first time I wondered just where Sarah was now,
and what she was doing.

I slipped out of my too-warm jacket, feeling ridiculous now as I wished
I'd had better sense than to be so ostentatious.

Stacie Casteel gave me one of the sweetest smiles I'd ever seen. "You
are so beautiful, Heaven, exactly as Tom described you many, many times.
You are lucky to have a brother who admires you so much. I always wanted
brothers and sisters myself, but my parents thought one child was
enough. They live about two blocks from here, so I see them often, and
they make wonderful baby-sitters. In fact your grand- ther is out now
with my father, fishing in a nearby lake." Grandpa. I had forgotten all
about Grandpa. She went on, as if starved for someone to talk to about
her family. "Luke would like for us to move to Florida, so he could be
closer to where he works, but I can't bring myself to move that far from
my parents. I know they won't make any changes in their lifestyles now
that they're so old and contented. They are so devoted to Drake." She
was seated now across from me, allowing her small, very handsome son a
sip or two of her cold drink., He could hardly manage to swallow he was
so intimidated by my silent presence. Gently she shoved him forward a
bit. "Drake dear, this is your half-sister named Heaven. Isn't that an
appropriate name for such a lovely young lady?" I ge dark eyes of Pa's
youngest son batted as tried to decide if I was friendly or not, before
he " dUcked his head and turned to try and hide himself.

he felt safe, he peeked at me from his close n near his mother's legs
with his thumb stuck in lnouth. And oh, it did hurt to be reminded so of
how Keith used to act, only in the old days it "'.oeen my legs Keith had
hidden behind, or beside, Sarah's. Sarah had always been too busy and d
to "mess with" shy children who needed attention-until Our Jane came
along.

the decision I'd made not to love this r child, I found myself kneeling
so I could be with him. I found a smile. i Drake. M told me about you. He
told me you And boats and airplanes. And someday very am going o sen you
a we uge car n o ats, and airplanes." I glanced at Stacie with >
barrassment. "The Tattertons have been toy for centuries. They make toys
such as can't be in ordinary toy stores, and when I go back, I'll Drake
all he can play with." at would be very nice of you," she said with r of
her devastating, sweet smiles that stabbed "into my heart, for I could
have sent Drake many p hing a long time ago, and not once had I ght of
doing so.

the minutes passed and she chatted on while ng lunch, I soon found out
that she loved the I hated, loved him very much. "He is the most
wonderful husband," she enthused, trying his very best to see that his
family has g we need. " She threw me an appealing

glance. "I realize, Heaven, that you might not see him that way, but
your father has had a very difficult life, and to find himself, he had
to get away from those hills and the Casieel heritage. He is not a
slothful, lazy man. He was just a resentful one for finding himself
trapped in what seemed a relentless circle of poverty. 3 Nothing she
said indicated that she knew how much Pa had hated me, and probably
still did. She didn't mention my mother or Sarah, and because she didn't
I began to think of her as just another guileless and gullible Leigh
Tatterton, so then it flashed through my mind that my father had a
predilection for loving the same type of delicate female. Just as he
favored redheads, like Sarah and Kitty, for occasional rough romps in
the sack.

And if he had from time to time taken brunettes to bed, I'd yet to hear
about them.

We returned to the living room after our lunch of tuna salad on a crisp
bed of lettuce, with cubes of cheese, and hot rolls served with iced
tea. Our dessert was chocolate pudding that Drake managed to smear all
over his beautiful face.

No biscuits and gravy, I thought bitterly. My bitterness soured more
when we returned to the bright cheerful living room. I looked at the
wide windows that looked onto a back garden full of flowers in full
bloom, and I tried my best to picture Luke Casteel living in this kind
of nice, modern house, sitting on that long, pretty sofa behind a coffee
table free of dust and fingerprints. Green plants relieved the monotony
of all the browns, tans, and creamy colors accented with touches of
turquoise. A very masculine room, with only the sewing basket to

that someone besides a man and a child lived 'This is your father's
favorite room," she said, as if she noticed how preoccupied I was with
my thoughts. Pride was in her voice. "Luke told me I could rate it as I
wanted, but I wanted a room where he feel free to put his feet up, and a
sofa where he could lie and not worry about rumpled cushions. Tom and
your grandfather enjoy this room as well." It seemed she would say
something else, for she flushed and looked guiltily confused for a
second or so before she lightly touched my arm and smiled warmly. "It is
truly wonderful to have you under our roof at last, Heaven. Luke doesn't
talk much about his mountain home family,' for he says it hurts too
much." Oh, yes, I could imagine just how much it hurt! "Did he tell you
about my mother, who was only fourteen when he married her?"

Yes, he told me how they met in Atlanta, and he said he loved her very
much. But no," she elaborated with wistfulness,\"he never really talks
about her so I can picture their life together in that mountain shack. I
know that her premature death scarred him in a way he will never recover
from. I also know he married me because I remind him of her, and when I
kneel to say my prayers at night I pray that someday he will stop
thinking of her. I know he loves me, and I've made him happier than he
was when first we met, but until you can forgive him, and he learns to
accept your mother's untimely death, he can't fully enjoy his life, and
the moderate success he's found for himself."

Did he tell you what he did?" I almost shouted. "Do you think he was
right to sell his five children for five hundred dollars apiece?" 3
"No, of course I don't think it was right," she answered calmly, taking
the winds from the sail of my attack. "He told me about what he did. It
was a terrible decision he had to make. You five could have starved
while he recovered his health. I can only justify his actions by saying
he did what he thought best at the time, and none of you have suffered
permanent damage, have you, have you?" Her question hung in the air as
she sat with her head bowed, quietly waiting for me to say I forgave Pa.
Did she believe that the worst he'd done to us had been his Christmas
betrayal? No, that had been only the climax! And I could not speak up
and say anything to redeem his cruelty. The hope that had flared briefly
on her face faded. Her eyes dropped to her son, and deeper sadness came
over her face. "It's all right if you can't forgive him today. I just
hope you will be able to one day in the near future. Think about it,
Heaven. Life doesn't give us many chances to forgive. The opportunity
comes, flits by, time passes, and it's too late." I jumped to my feet.
"I thought Tom would be here to meet me. Where can I find him?"

Tom pleaded with me to hold you here until he returns about four-thirty.
Your ther won't be home until much later."

I don't have time to wait until four-thirty,"," I was afraid to stay.
Afraid she'd win me over to forgivm g a man I hated. "When I leave here
I'm flying to Nashville to se my sister Fanny. So please, tell me where
to find Tom.,, Reluctantly she gave me an address, her blue eyes still
pleading with me to be kind and understanding, even if I couldn't be
forgiving. And I said my polite

Tom would settle for  for  and then I knew just what future Tom had set
for himself in order to please Pa! Tears seeped into my eyes. Circus
grounds! A small, cheap, crass, unimportant circus struggling to
survive. Tears began to streak down my cheeks. Tom, poor Tom! As I stood
beyond the gate in the hot afternoon sun and listened to the sounds of
many people at work, some hammering, some singing and whistling, some
shouting orders, others answering back in irritable voices, I also heard
laughter, and saw children running, chasing one another. They threw me
curious glances, and I guess I must have looked very strange in my early
fall Boston attire that was totally wrong for Florida. Strange-looking
people in bizarre clothing idled about. Women in shorts washed their
hair over basins. Other women acted as hairdressers. Laundry was hung up
to dry in the hot sunlight. A few palm trees offered some shade, and if
I had been less prejudiced, I might have found this scene picturesque
and charming. However, I wasn't about to be charmed. Strong animal odors
wafted to my nostrils. An assortment of men in scant attire, with deeply
tanned skins and bulging muscles, moved with purpose from here to there,
setting up stands and booths with signs that read "Hot Dogs"

Hamburgers" and so forth. They repaired colorful posters that advertised
a half-man and half-woman, dancing girls, the world's fattest woman, the
world's tallest man, the world's smallest husband and wife, and a snake
that was half-alligator and half-boa constrictor. Not one man failed to
stare my way.

Many a time Tom had hinted in his letters that Pa

was doing something glamorous that held dreamed about all his life.
Working for a circus? A small, second-rate circus? Almost numb with
despair I moved forward, staring into cages where lions, leopards,
tigers, and other large wild cats were caged, seemingly awaiting
transportation to another area. I stopped before one of the antique
animal wagons, staring at the tiger poster adhered to its side where red
paint was peeling off.

A time warp ricocheted me back to the cabin. It could have been the
original of the tiger poster that Granny had described to me so many
times, the one her youngest son Luke had stolen from a wall in Atlanta
that time when he went there at the age of twelve, and his Atlanta uncle
forgot to keep his promise of taking his hillbilly nephew to the circus.

And Luke Casteel, at age twelve, had walked fifteen miles to the circus
grounds outside the city limits and had slipped into the circus tent
without paying.

Almost blind now with tears, I ducked my head and used one of my linen
handkerchiefs to blot my face. When I looked up, the first thing I saw
was d'tall young man coming my way, carrying with him something that
looked like a pitchfork and, cradled under his left arm, a huge tray of
raw meat. It was feeding time for the big cats, and as if they knew,
lions and tigers began to toss huge shaggy heads, showing long, sharp,
yellowish teeth, sniffing, gnawing, crunching bones, ripping into the
bloody raw flesh the youth poked through the cage bars with the fork.
They made deep rumbling noises in their throats that I had to take for
pleasure.

Oh, my God! My God! It was my own brother Tom

r - - and from five hundred miles around customers will show up and
shell out their money to see the animal acts, and the show girls, and
the freaks who make up the carnival show. And we got rides, too," he
said proudly, pointing to a Ferris wheel that I hadn't noticed until
now. "We're hoping this year to add a carousel; you know, the kind we
always wanted to ride? "Heavenly," he gushed as he caught my arm and led
me off in a new direction,\"the circus is Pa's world now. You didn't
know, any more than I knew, that the circus was always his dream when he
was a boy. A thousand times he ran from the hills to sneak into the
circus. I guess it was his way of escaping the ugliness and poverty of
that mountain shack where he grew up. You remember how he hated the coal
mines, and so he took to running moonshine. He ran, too, from the scorn
everyone had for the Casteels, who seemed to know nothing better to do
than wind up in jail, caught for petty crimes. When the Casteel sons
would have been admired if imprisoned for more daring and major ones,
short of murder, that is."

But Tom, this is not your dream! It's his! You can't give up your
college education just to help him out!"

Eventually he wants to buy out the owner, Heavenly, and then this circus
will be his. When I found out what Pa was up to I'm sure I looked just
as amazed as you do right now. I wanted to tell you, really I did, and
yet I was reluctant to tell you, pretty sure you'd feel and show nothing
but scorn for his ambitions. I understand him more than I used to, and I
want him to succeed for once in his life. I don't hate him like you do.
I don't know how to hate him like you do. He's looking for his
self-respect, Heavenly, and if

what lies doing now seems trashy and nothing to you, it's the biggest
thing he's ever attempted in his life. When you see him, don't make him
feel small." Again I looked around. Some women had recently showered in
their tiny trailer shower stalls, and wrapped in towels, they stood in
groups staring at where Tom and I stood. I had never felt so
conspicuous. Other women were working on tom costumes. Everyone chatted
in an animated fashion, and pretty girls born into the circus life threw
Tom and me many a curious smile. Strong-looking acrobats practiced on
dirty canvas mats, and at least a dozen dwarfs ran about doing odd jobs.
I guess to some like Pa this might be the very kind of place he could
hide himself away in, for no one here would care where he came from, or
how lowly his background. However I knew exactly what Tony would feel if
he could see what I was seeing, or perhaps he even knew, and that's why
he had forbidden me to bring back even one Casteel. "Oh, Tom, this is
all right for Pa. Much safer and better than running moonshine. But it's
not right for you!" I pulled him to a small bench put under the shade of
a tropical-looking clump of trees. Bits of food were on the ground where
birds fed, daring to pause and dine even at our feet. The heat and the
odors had me feeling faint. The jewelry I wore seemed a heavy, sticky
burden. "Troy has given me ffiore than enough money to see you through
four years of college," I began breathlessly. "You don't -have to give
up your dreams just so Pa can achieve Tom's lean face flushed
deeply red before he bowed head. "You don't understand. I have already
taken boards and failed. I always knew my dreams

would never be realized. I just wanted to please you. You go on and get
your college degrees and forget about me. I like my life. I'll like it
even more when Pa and I earn enough to buy out the present owner of this
circus. Why, one day we might even take the show out on the road farther
than Georgia and Florida." I could only stare at him, completely stunned
that he would cave in so easily. And the longer I stared the deeper
shade of red he turned. "Please, Heavenly, don't embarrass me. I never
had your kind of brains, you just convinced yourself that I did. I
haven't got any special talents, and I'm as happy here as I ever expect
to be."

Wait," I cried out. "Take the money  do what you want to with it,
anything to get yourself out of this kind of trap! Leave Pa and let him
take care of himself!"

Please stop," he whispered. "Pa might overhear you. He's standing right
over there by the galley tent. " My eyes had passed several times over a
tall, powerful-looking man with his black hair stylishly trimmed and
shaped, though his jeans were faded and tight, and the white shirt he
wore was more or less the same kind of loose smock shirt that Troy so
favored. It was Pa! Pa, cleaner and fresher and healthier-looking than
I'd ever seen him, and if he'd aged even one day, I couldn't tell it
from the fifty feet that separated us. He was talking to a stout,
jocular-looking, white-headed man wearing a red shirt, and was,
apparently, giving him orders. He even glanced at Tom as if to check why
his son wasn't busy feeding the animals. His dark intense eyes skimmed
over me without coming back to

the way most men did when first I filled their vision. That alone told
me that Pa wasn't interested in Picking up young girls. His casualness
also told me he hadn't recognized me at all. He smiled at Tom in a
fatherly, congratulatory way, then turned to talk again to the man in the
red shirt.

 That's Mr. Windenbarron," whispered Tom. "The current owner. He used to
be a clown with Ringling Brothers. Everyone says there's not room in
this country for two major circuses, but Guy Windenbarron thinks with
Pa's help, the two of them can really grow. He's old, you know, and
can't live much longer, and he needs ten thousand dollars to leave to
his wife. We've already saved up seven. So it shouldn't be too long now,
and Mr. Windenbarron will stay on to help us out as long as he can. He's
been a real friend to Pa, and to me." Tom's enthusiasm made me feel a
bit sick. Only then did I realize that his life had gone on, just as
mine had, and he'd found new friends and new aspirations.

I Come back in the evening," Tom invited, as if to fiurry me out of
reach from Pa,\"and listen to Pa's ,piel, and see the circus, and when
the lights are turned on, and the music plays, maybe you will catch of
the circus fever that a great many people Pit y for him was what I felt.
Sorrow for someone OCt ermined to destroy himself.

spent- the remaining afternoon hours in a motel trying to rest and put
my doubts at ease. There t seem anything I could do to change Tom's I
and yet I had to give it another try.

 3 That evening, about seven, I dressed in a casual summer dress and
set out again for the fenced-in circus grounds. A startling
metamorphosis had taken place. The Ferris wheel spun slowly, dazzling
the eyes with its triple rows of colored lights. In fact every building,
tent, and caravan trailer was brightly lit. The lights, the music, the
hordes of people, created a certain kind of magic I'd never expected.
Shoddy, ill-painted buildings appeared pristine and beautiful. The day's
shabby circus wagons with their scratches and missing chips of red paint
and gold appeared brand new. Music from a dozen sources was playing, and
to my utmost surprise, those hundreds of casually dressed country people
streaming through the open gates created great excitement with their
happy anticipations of having a wonderful time. I followed, just another
in the stream. I stared at girls my age hugged up close to boyfriends,
wearing the briefest kind of costumes that would have brought scowls to
Tony's face. Flushed parents held fast to the hands of children who
wanted to run wild and explore; moving stiff and slow far to the rear of
family groups staggered grandparents obviously more accustomed to
spending their evenings in porch rockers.

In my entire eighteen years I had not been to even one circus
performance. My experience with the circus had been as an observer
watching a TV set, and that had not assaulted my senses with the sound,
sight, and smells of animals, humans, hay, manure, sweat, an dover all,
from dozens of sources, the overwhelming fragrance of hot dogs and
hamburgers, ice cream and buttery popcorn.

As I wandered over the circus grounds to stare at sideshow tents, where
near-naked girls wearing heavy

'makeup undulated their hips Provocatively, and freaks displayed their
misfortunes with amazing indifference, for the first time I began to
understand what had appealed to a twelve-year-old hillbilly boy straight
from the Willies-appealed to him so much he'd returned to the hills to
hypnotize himself into believing this was the best of all possible
worlds: Better than the dark and dim coal mines, the spinning colored
lights. Better than making and running moonshine and daring the Feds.
Better in a thousand ways, all this, than that grim mountain shack and
all the others like it, where reputations never died and your past
mistakes lived on to haunt you forever. I could almost feel sorry for
that ignorant boy.

Fine for Pa, all of' this now that he was too old to aim higher. Not
fine for Tom, any of this, once he'd had enough of the tastes and
flavors that would one day grow boring. I hadn't come to be seduced.

First I needed a ticket, and to buy that ticket I had to advance in
single file toward where a man stood on > a, high pedestal and touted
the virtues of the circus performance held inside. I knew who he was
even before I heard his voice. Snared in the line, I stared up At him,
at his feet clad in black patent-leather boots almost reached his knees.
Then came his strong, Ong legs clad in the tightest possible white
pants. His was very obvious, taking me. back to school days when the
kids had snickered at - res of dukes, generals, and other notables who
so displayed themselves in pants fitted like -tailed scarlet coat was
emblaPa wore. His long with gold stripes on the sleeves, epaulets on the
rs, and double-breasted with gold buttons. the crisp clean white of his
cravat was the

AZI ig in youl again TWO Ci;; Babes in--. t i a v to horse horse, to
land gentlemen, it four feet to, his n t cash reRister eve-or-re its
cash flow. I h - aS out ll l iTTdirg-s of the jungle soon to waltz to   T
I whip, as inch by inch I was to Pa. So far he hadn't seen me. I him to
see me. I wore on -oak I if I - en x t hat that was held that tied under
my chin. And oTre me to put on. But it was night, i;z, to sup Ahe shades
on. there at the head of the line, and   rer, Mo- Ine.; a young thing
VT.   nlt; need to hide her light under a bushel," To; while he did
that, I saw that he'd gained weight. Healthy color flushed his cheeks.
"Oh," he cried finally, having pushed the right buttons,\"it's chile
Heaven! She's done come back to us! Just like she said she would!
Annie," he whispered, giving the air next to him an elbow nudge,\"don't
she look good, don't she, Anni eT His arm went out as if to embrace the
Annie who'd been at his right arm for so many years, and it hurt, really
hurt to think that he couldn't live without his fantasy that she was
still alive. I threw my arms about his neck, and pressed my lips on his
cheek. "Oh, Grandpa, it's so good to see you again, so gyoodt" Ta should
hug yer granny first, chile, ya should," he admonished.

Dutifully I gave the shade of my dead granny a hug, and I kissed the air
where her cheek might have been, and I sobbed for all that had been
lost, and sobbed some more for all that had to be gained. How did I grab
at air and convince stubbornness and pride such as all Casteels had, and
bring Tom to his senses? The rinky-dink circus life was no place for
Tom, especially when I had more than enough money at my disposal to see
him through college. As I stared at my grandfather, I thought I saw a
weak spot in Tom's armor of hillbilly pride. Are you still lonesome for
the hills, Grand paT I shouldn't have asked. His pathetic old face lost
all its glow. Wistful grief smeared his good health and he seemed to
shrink. ,A.in' t no betta place t'be, than there, where we belong. Annie
says that all Vtime  take me back t'my place. Back t'where we belong."

Sixteen Dream Chasers AY FROM Tom AND GRANDPA FEELING y, and determined
now to save Fanny t in herself, since I couldn't save anyone ly,
contained in Grandpa's pants pocket of bills he hadn't even bothered to
count. this to Tom after I'm gone," I'd instructed.

him take it, and use it for his future." But ",, ove was the only one
who would know , hat a senile old man would do with so much more I flew,
westward to Nashville where Aalm v ed the day after she sold her baby to
YvajIand Wise and his wife. Once in the a--- e a cab driver Fanny's
address, then leaned I Ans-ed my eyes. Defeat seemed all around there
was nothing I could do right. Troy was Safe harbor in sight, and
achingly I longed for h beside me; yet this was something I had to I
could never allow Fanny into my private r.

M It was sultry and hot in Nashville, which appeared quaint and very
pretty. Storm clouds hovered overhead as my cab cruised down pretty,
tree-lined streets, past old-fashioned, gingerbread Victorian houses,
and some modem mansions that were breathtakingly beautiful. However,
when the cab parked before the address I'd given, the four-storied house
that might once, have been genteel was run-down, with peeling paint and
sagging blinds, as was every house in what had to be one of the worst
areas of this famous city.

My heels clicked on the sagging steps, causing several young people
sprawled on porch chairs and swings to lazily turn their heads and stare
my way. "Great balls of fire," breathed one good-looking young man
wearing jeans and nothing on his sweaty chest. He jumped to his feet and
bowed my way mockingly. "Look at what's come to call! High society! "I
am Heaven Casteel," I began, trying not to feel intimidated by seven
sets of eyes staring at me with what seemed hostility. Tanny Louisa is
my sister."

Yeah," said the same young man who had jumped UP, I recognize you from
the pictures she's always showing of her rich sister who never sends her
any money. I blanched. Fanny had never written to me! If she had
photographs they had to be ones that I'd mailed first to Tom. And for
the first time I thought that maybe Tony had deliberately kept from me
any correspondence he thought unnecessary. "Is Fanny here?"

Naw," drawled a pretty blond girl in shorts and a halter top, a
cigarette dangling from her full, red lips, Tanny thinks she's got a hot
lead that should have 3 t she won't make it. She can't sing or worth a
hoot. I'm not worried at all that , t.hey"ll audition me." Uke Fanny to
try and beat someone out of a didn't say that. I had called Fanny in
""to tell her what time I would be arriving, and wasn't polite enough
to wait. My expression shown my disappointment.

so ex cit d I guess she just forgot you were explained another
nice-looking young man itoady stated I didn't talk like Fanny's sister.

a crowd of young people had formed the porch to gape and stare, and it
was I finally escaped, driven inside by a f thunder. "Room ," a girl
named shouted., that had threatened began to slice down as Fanny's
unlocked door. It was a small but room. Or it could have been nice if
Fanny red to pick up her clothes, and dust and run once in a while.
Quickly I set about ""her bed with the clean sheets I found in a , I had
the room in fairly good order, I the one chair near the window, staring
blindly Wthe storm, and thought about Troy, about Tom, Ikeith and Our
Jane, and that was enough to put M, my face. How young and stupid I was
to live on emotions of the past, allowing the richt'lland beauty of life
to pass me by because I control fate and the lives of others. I'd take
"how on what was offered and forget the past. No s suffering more than I
was, not even Fanny. hands rose to press against my throbbing fore-
lull of the rain and the thunder and 3 lightning through the open
window sent me into light sleep. Troy and I were running side by side in
the clouds, fighting mists of steam and five old men who were chasing
us. "You run on," ordered Troy, shoving me forward,\"and I'll divert
them by running in another direction." No! No! I screamed in my mute
dream voice. And those five old men weren't diverted. They followed
where he ran, not where I did! I bolted awake. The rain had freshened
and cooled the room that had been unbearably stuffy. The dusty shadows
of late afternoon enhanced the view, turning the old houses with their
fancy porcheS and verandas softly romantic. I felt disoriented as I
stared around the small room with its cheap furnishings. Where was
Before I could, decide, the door burst open. Dripping wet and
complaining loudly to herself about the weather and the loss of her last
pocket change, my sister Fanny, age sixteen, hurtled across the narrow
space that separated us and threw herself into my arms. "Heaven,, it's
ya.! Ya really did come! Ya.do kerr bout me!" One swift embrace, one
peck on my cheek, and she shoved away, to stare down at herself. "Damn
rain done gone an messed up my best outfit!" Fanny turned to yank off
her sodden red dress before she fell into a chair and tugged off her
black, midealf plastic boots that were beaded with water. -Damned if my
feet don't hurt clear up t'my waist." I froze. Kitty flashed before my
eyes. Often she'd used those words, but then, all hill and valley people
iwthe Willies used more or less the same expressions.

3 agent hurries me out of here when I an wait fer ya t'show up, and when
I get they want me Cdo is read.' I already told em gy d yet. I want a
dancin' part or a singin' But they don't give me nothin' but bit parts
lines  an' I been poundin' these sidewalks, t half a year or more!" had
always been able to discard her frustraa garment easy to rip off, and
she did that in my way her brilliant smile that revealed te, even teeth,
she turned on her charm.

y Casteel children born with their healthy j me something? Did ya? Tom
done wrote got tons of money Cwaste, and ya sent him Christmas gifts,
an gifts t'Grandpa. Why a. don't need no money! no gifts! I'm Cone -ds
all ya kin spare!" grown thinner and prettier since the last her,
seemingly taller, or perhaps her height rated by the tight, black slip
she wore, mb led a shapely pencil. Her black hair lay wet strands on her
head, but even wet and >'d she was still striking enough to turn many a
eye.

confused in my feelings about her-loving her she was blood kin, feeling
I had to love her care of her. eager greed in her dark eyes repelled me
as one I took from the large leather shopping bag the CI'd brought
her. Even before I had the last box the bag she was ripping open the
first gift that Seized, heedless of the beautiful and expensive 3 3

cut tI mustard when ya done snatched t'whole jar! Look at my room, an'
think of where ya jus came from. Oh, I done heard from Tom all t'stuff
yer not tellin' me. Ya got everythin' up there in that mansion that's
got fifty rooms an eighteen bathrooms, an Lord knows what ya do with all
of em! Ya got three rooms all yer own, wid four closets full of clothes
an' handbags an' shoes jewels an' furs an' college comin' up, too. Me, I
got nothin' but sore feet an' resentments fer this whole damned city
that don't know how t'be kind!" Again her fists rubbed ruthlessly at her
eyes until the flesh around them turned red and bruised looking "An ya
got goody-two-shoes Logan Stonewall fer good measure! I guess it neva
crossed yer stupid brain I might have wanted Logan fer myself. Ya went
an took him away from me, an' I hate ya fer that! Every time I think of
what ya did Cme, I hate ya! Even when I miss ya, I hate ya! An' it's
time ya did something' ferme sides givin' me a handful of measly bills
that don't mean anythin' to ya anyway! It's all ova ya now, ya kin give
ten one-hundred-dollar bills cause ya got plenty more where they come
from!" Before I could blink she was up on her feet, striking out at me!
I slapped back at her for the first time in my life. The surprise of the
sting my hand made on her face made her draw away and whimper. "Ya neva
hit me before," she sobbed. "Ya done turned mean, Heaven Casteel, mean.
"Put on your clothes," I said sharply. "I'm hungry and want to eat." I
watched her scramble into a short red skirt that resembled leather, and
over this she pulled a white cotton sweater that was much too 3 old hoop
earrings swung from her pierced ears. The scuffed and thin-soled red
plastic shoes she put her feet into had black heels five inches high,
and the contents of her small, red plastic purse had spilled e floor
when she dropped it on seeing me. A f ck of cigarettes lay beside five
little of condoms. I looked away. "I'm sorry I came, F After dinner
we'll say goodbye." army She was silent all during our meal in an
Italian restaurant down the street from where she lived. Fanny devoured
everything on her plate, then polished off what I left, though I would
have paid for another entree. From time to time she'd gaze at me
furtively in a calculating way, and I knew without guessing that she was
plotting her next move. Eager to part from her and return to Troy, still
I allowed her to U k me into returning to her small room. Tlease,
Heaven, please, for ole times' sake, cause yer my si sta an' ya jus'
can't up an' leave me Vfend fer myself." Once we were back in her room,
she whirled to confront me. "Now ya wait a minute!" she screamed,
putting her fists on her hips and spreading her legs. "Who ya think ya
are, anyway? Ya kin't jus come an' go without doin' something' more than
givin' me a free meal, cheap clothes, an' a lil scrap of money!" She
angered me. Fanny had never given me a kind Word in her life, much less
anything material. "Why don't you ask me about Tom, or Keith and Our
JaneT' "I kin't worry bout nobody but myself!" she yelled, moving to
block my way so I couldn't reach the door without shoving her aside. "Ya
owe me, Heaven, owe me! When Ma went away ya were supposed t'do 3 yer
best ferme-an ya didn't! Ya let Pa sell me t'that Reverend an his wife,
an' now they got my baby! An' when ya knew I shouldn't have sold her! Ya
could have stopped me, but ya didn't try hard enough!" My lips gaped
open! I had done my very best to bring reality into Fanny's decision to
give up her baby for ten thousand dollars. "I tried, Fanny, I tried," I
said with weary impatience. "Now it's too late." It's neva too late! An'
ya didn't try hard enough! Ya shoulda found Vright words t'say an' I
woulda known betta! Now I got nothin'! No money an' no baby! An I want
MY baby! I want my baby so much it hurts! I kin't sleep fer thinkin'
they got her, an' I'll neva have her  an' I love her, need her, want
her. Neva held my own baby but once, for they took her away an' give her
Vole lady Wise." Dumbfounded by Fanny and her irrational swings of
temperament, I tried to express sympathy, but she wanted none of that.
"Don't ya try an' tell me I should have known betta. I didn't know
betta, an' now I'm sorry. So here's what ya kin do with all that moola
ya got stashed somewheres  ya go back t'Winnerrow an' ya give t'Reverend
an his wife that ten thousand they paid me fer her! Or pay em twice that
much, but ya buy back my baby!" I couldn't speak. What she asked was
impossible. Her dark eyes burned into mine. "Ya hear me? Ya've got t'buy
back my baby!"

You can't mean what you say! There's no way I can buy back your baby!
You told me when you entered that hospital you signed release papers of
adoption-"

No, I didn't! I jus' signed papers that said Mrs.

 
ld keep my baby till I was old enough t'take her." dn't tell whether or
not she was lying; I'd enable to read Fanny as I had Tom. Still, I
rationalize. "I can't go back there and take agway from parents who
adore her and take good -her. You showed me the photographs,, Fanny.

they love her enough to give her everything, can you give her? I can't
turn a helpless baby you and your kind of life." I flung my arms Akating
the hopeless room where a baby crib fit. "What would you do with a child
so demanding? Where would you keep her > out to earn a living? Can you
tell me have Vtell. ya nothin'!" she cried, her eyes re they watered.
"Ya jus' do as I say or ihis thousand bucks t'fly up t'Boston! An' n wid
yer grandmother Jillian, who looks like aky kid, I'll tell her all about
her lil angel gal tan away from Boston. I'll spill it all out, that q
tain shack wid no inside plumbing, an' Pa an' his ning, and his five
brothers all in jail, an' when nears everythin' about how her lil angel
girl fore she died, she won't look so young no more. her about Pa an'
how he visited Shirley's Place When he were married t'her. An' I'll tell
her Vrevenue men, an Vouthouse an t'stinks, an r her rich lil girl
suffered through. An' I'll her little girl off jus' as it happened,
givin' birth U doctor, jus Granny t'help. An' when I'm done her all
kinds of rotten thins about ya, she'll end in' v, I-if she don't lose
what mind she's got V

 Again stunned, I could only stare at Fanny, overCP whelmed that she
could hate me so much, when all my life I'd done the best I could for
her. I didn't know how to confront someone as obsessed as she appeared
to be. Nervously I ran my hands over my hair, then I headed for the
door. "Don't ya go yet, Heaven Lorigh CasteelP' Her twangy sarcasm rang
familiar bells of shame in my ears. Oh she knew all the ways to hurt me
most, reminding me of who I was and where I'd come from.

I felt colder than I'd ever felt, and it was midsummer, and the summer
storm had only freshened the hot day, not chilled it. "I'll do anythin'
I kin think of Vhurt ya-unless ya go an' get my baby an' bring her back
Vme!"

You know I can't do that," I said again, so tired of Fanny and her
shrill voice I wished I'd never come. "Then what kin ya do ferme? Huh?
Can ya give me everythin' ya've got fer yer own? Give me a room in that
huge house, so I kin enjoy what ya have? If ya loved me, like yer always
sayin', ya'd want me where ya kin see me every day." Colder and colder I
was growing. The last person I needed to see every day of my life was
Fanny. "I'm sorry, Fanny," I began in icy tones,\"I don't want you in my
life. I'll send you money owee a month, enough to see you through
comfortably, but you'll never be invited to w e where I do. You see, my
grandmother's husband made me promise I'd never allow any Casteel
relative of mine to mar the perfection of his days, and if you're
plotting now on blackmailing me by threatening to tell him I've seen
you, and Tom, then forget it. For he would cut me out of his life
without a cent, as easily as you can bat your eyes-and then

would be no money for you-and no money left with which to buy your baby
back.--- Her slit like dark eyes narrowed even more. "How much ya gonna
send me each month?"

EnoughP' I bit back. Then send twice as much, fer when I have my baby
I'll need eveiy cent ya kin spare. An if ya gir disappoint me, Heaven
Casteel, I'll find my way inta yer life, an I won't give a damn if ya
lose everythin'! Ya don't deserve it anyway!" The wind from the Willies
reached out and chilled me even more. I thought I heard the distant
wolves howling; I thought I s,, w the snow banking high around the
mountain shack, closing me in. With difficulty I tried to focus on what
to do and what to say, as long seconds ticked slowly toward eternity and
the dirty, tattered curtains billowed out into the room like wraiths of
God.

Not for a moment did I doubt that Fanny would do exactly what she said
she'd do, just to strike back at me for being born first, and having
what she considered some sort of invisible advantage, when I'd never had
anything advantageous happen to me until Logan chose me instead of her.

And only then did it slap me directly in the face. I hadn't believed her
when she said it. Logan was the reason she hated me! All along she'd
wanted him and he'd never really looked at her despite all she'd done to
draw him her way. I put my hands to my fevered > I cheeks, wondering
just what was wrong with mountain girls who grew up too soon-and
determined way before their time just what man was right for them, when
none of'us could possibly know.

Sarah and her miserable choice. Loving a man like 3 Luke Casteel. Kitty
Setterton and her insane love for a man who had only used her to scratch
his itch. But Fanny standing there with her dark, hating eyes, trying to
glare me into extinction, when Logan wasn't mine anymore-but damned if
I'd turn him over to her to ruin! "All right, Fanny, calm down," I said
with as much authority as possible. "I'll go to Winnerrow. I'll talk to
the Wises about buying back your baby that you sold. But while I'm gone,
you sit down and you think long and hard about just what you are going
to do to take care of that little girl, and see to it that she has a
healthy and good life. It takes more than money to make a good mother.
It takes devotion and caring more for your daughter than for yourself.
You'll have to give up your stage aspirations and stay home to take care
of Darcy."

Ain't got what it takes Vhit it big at VOpry, like I always thought I
could," she wailed pitifully, and for a moment I felt pity. "So I might
as well give up. There's a guy here who's asked me t'marry up wid him,
an I might as well go on an do it. He's fifty-two years ole, an I don't
really love him, but he has a good job an kin support me an my kid-wid
yer help, that is. I'll wait here fer ya t'come back, an by Vtime ya do,
him an' me will be hitched fer life. An I won't spend no more of this
here money ya gave me than I have ta. Maybe I said something smart, or
something dumb then, but I said it out of desperation. "Don't be so
stupid as to marry a man so much older. Find a young man. near your own
age, then get married, and keep quiet, and when I'm back with your baby
I'll see you through until you no longer need me."

odd voice. "Sometimes when I wake up at night I think you are only a
dream and I'll never see you again."

I love you, Troy! I'm not a dreamt After I've seen the Wises I'm flying
back to be your wife."

But you sound distant and different."

It's the wind on the telephone lines. I always hear it. I'm glad someone
else does, too."

Heaven " He paused, then said,\"Never mind, I don't want to beg." I
waited on stand-by for a flight to take me to West Virginia, to
Winnerrow, to Main Street where Logan lived in the apartment over
Stonewall's Pharmacy.

Oh, I was tempting fate to do its worst, but I didn't know that at the
time. I only knew I wanted to win at one game of chance I played  and
maybe money could buy back one little girl who might be grateful in the
future

Seventeen Against A- -I Odds

SINGING IN THE CHURCH WHEN I ENURED, pious faces upraised, the glorious,
spiritu- that reminded me of my youth when Sarah en my m other, when
home had been the cabin Willies, and the sweetest things in my life had
my love for Logan Stonewall, and the hours we spent on Sundays in this
church. knd their voices, so uplifted in celebration of the of their
lives that came on Sundays, were edibly clear on this sizzling hot
summer's evening.

ric heat bolts lit up the sky every so often. wing the last of the
stragglers into the church, fe hand-held fans fluttered the air, as if
the central itioning was off, I was again transported back to when I was
just a scumbag Casteel. those sweet and wholesome angel voices were Me
ones that could rant and rave and curse, but > could believe that now?
Not any stranger who know them intimately, as all residents of the

the valley and hills knew each other. I quietly sat in last side pew of
the last row and was surprised to see that quite a number of hill folks
were in church, when customarily they didn't attend evening services in
overwhelming numbers, especially on a scorching night like this one. The
town folks wore their newest and best, and didn't bother to turn their
heads, only their eyes to stare my way. Look down their noses over my
clothes, in their combined hypocrisy they united to form mindless
judgments seldom based on facts, only on suspicions and herd instinct.

They knew me despite my fine raiment. Despite my clothes, they didn't
want me in their midst. They didn't even have to speak a word; their
animosity was sharp and needling, and if I hadn't been in such a
determined mood, I might have been driven away, knowing that, no matter
how rich or famous I might become, I'd never win their respect, or their
admiration, or what I wanted more than anything else, their envy.
Nothing had changed in the order of what they considered right and wrong
and suitable for such as me.

The hill folk still took the back benches, the valley folk still reigned
supreme in the middle, and those deemed worthiest sat closest to God in
the first rows, center aisle, those on the front pews were also those
who contributed most to whatever charity or building fund that was
currently popular. There, prim and proper, was Rosalynn Wise, staring up
at her husband with blank eyes as he stepped up to his podium. His
slick, black, custom-made suit fitted him so beautifully he appeared as
slim as he had when first I saw him when I was ten. And everybody knew
Reverend

Wise had such a gluttonous appetite he at least ten pounds each year.
ained It had been my intention when I entered to stay, as s, in my
place, but that was also where it was st from the hot blasts of air
coming in the door opened and closed every few minutes. To my own I
didn't stay seated Soon I found myself and in the third row, center
aisle, while all ted on my audacity, I found an empty pew re I plucked a
hymn book from the pocket of ahead, and automatically turned to page to
sing. Really, sing-loud, clear, high. For ,,Ca steels could sing, even
when they had sing about. ned their attention now, shockingly gained
ttared at me, open-mouthed, wide-eyed, he alarmed, that , a Casteel,
would dare so And I didn't try to ignore them. I met each pair sing
eyes and never faltered as I sang the old hymn that Our Jane had loved
so very much. ng in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves, we e
rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves." I sang I could almost snatch their
thoughts from Another crummy Casteel had come again into ctified midst!
Their hostile eyes swept again face, over my clothes, sneered at the
jewelry in ostentatious excess just to show them what I very thing '
nlurmur of disapproval rippled through the but I didn't care. I had
given them all a good to look me over in my jewels and my ex pen- those
eyes still weren't impressed, or if they

... and what was it the Reverend had said to make all of them turn to
glare at me? Faces smeared into one giant blob with huge, hostile eyes,
and all the security Troy s love had bestowed peeled off like new paint
applied to wet wood. Trembling and weak with the hate I saw everywhere,
I wanted to stand and run and drag Grandpa out of there before the lions
were let out of the cages! Like sleeping beauty waking up in an enemy
famp, I lost the enchantment that had begun the day I stepped into
Farthinggale Manor. And had deepened the day I found Troy.

Distant and unreal they seemed now, only figments of my overactive
imagination. I glanced down at my hands as I began to twist the
nine-carat diamond engagement ring Troy had insisted I wear even if we
never married. Then I was playing thoughtlessly with my pearls
suspending a diamond and sapphire pendant, a special engagement gift
from Troy. Funny how I had to cling to the hardness of those jewels to
convince myself that only days ago I'd lived in one of the most fabulous
and wealthy homes in the world.

Time lost itself that Sunday night in the church. I grew old, and I grew
younger. Fevered and miserable, my bones ached for bed. "Let us all bow
our heads and pray," instructed the Reverend, at last releasing his
riveting gaze, and I could breathe more freely. "Let us humbly pray for
forgiveness so we may enter into this new chapter in our fives without
carrying into it old sins, and old grievances, and old promises never
kept. Let us assign to each new day respect for those who we feel may

have harmed us in the past, and pledge to ourselves we will do unto
others as we would have done onto us. "We are mortals put upon this
earth to live out our lives with humility, without resentments,
harboring no grudges " and on and on he talked, seemingly to me.

Finally the sermon was over, and he'd said nothing I hadn't heard
before, so why was it I kept thinking he was cautioning me to keep my
peace? Did he know that I knew he had fathered that pretty little girl
who was carried in from a back room nursery, and still sleeping, put in
the arms of his wife? I stood up, assisting Grandpa to his feet, and
headed for the door, not waiting in place as all hillbilly scum were
supposed to do, so they'd be the last to leave and shake the pious,
saintly hand of the Reverend.

Hardly were Grandpa and I out on the street steamy with heavy humidity,
than a man was fast approaching me and calling out my name. At first I
thought it was Logan  then my heart sank into my shoes. It was Cal
Dennison, stretching forth his hand and beaming a happy smile into my
face. "Heaven, dear Heaven," he breathed,\"how wonderful to see you
again! You look beautiful, absolutely wonderful... now tell me all about
yourself, what you've been doing, and how you like Boston." When streets
were hot in Winnerrow, and inside it was even hotter, the residents of
the village were not prone to enter bedrooms when porches were so
inviting. I heard the clink and clank of ice in pitchers of lemonade, as
I stood and floundered and wondered how to talk to Cal Dennison, who had
once been my friend, and my seducer.

 
 I like Boston very much," I said, as I caught hold of Grandpa's arm
and headed for the hotel where I had registered. Strolling Main Street
was like walking a gauntlet of enemies, everyone stared at us, and I
didn't need or want to be seen with Cal Dennison! "Heaven, are you
trying to brush me off?" asked Cal, his good-looking face glistening
with a layer of sweat. "Please, can't we go somewhere and sit down and
share a drink and talk?"

I have a terrible headache, and I'm looking forward to a long, cool bath
before bed," I said honestly.

His entire countenance seemed to collapse on hearing my excuse. "You
sound like Kitty," he mumbled, bowing his head, and instantly I was
stricken with guilt.

I remembered then that Grandpa was still at my side. "Where are you
staying, Grand paT I asked, when we were outside the one and only hotel
in Winnerrow. "Luke done fixed up t'cabin fer Annie an me. I'm stayin'
there, of course."

Grandpa, stay with me in the hotel. I can rent you another room, one
with a color TV."

Gotta git me back VAnnie  she's waitin." I resigned myself. "But
Grandpa, how will you get there?" His bewilderment made him sway even as
he stood and waited for me. "I'll ketch me a ride with Skeeter Burl. He
likes me now." Skeeter Burl? He was the worst enemy Pa had ever made in
the hills-and he liked Grandpa now? That was like believing July
sunbathers liked January snow.

And like the damned fool I could sometimes be,

Y out of my head, I gently took Grandpa by the arm, and together we
turned toward the hotel. "Grandpa, it looks as if you're going to have
to spend the night in the hotel after all." instant alarm was his. He'd
never slept in a rented" bed. He didn't want to. Annie needed him! He
had animals at home who would suffer if he didn't return. His pale and
leaking eyes pleaded pitifully. I'Ya go on t'yer hotel, Heaven girl.
Don't ya worry none about me." Desperation gave him needed strength. He
tore loose from my restraining grip, and moving more swiftly than I
could believe, Grandpa began hobbling off down Main Street. "Ya go on an
tend t'yer business. Don't like beds not my own!"

I'm glad he's gone," said Cal, catching hold of my arm and guiding me
into the hotel lobby and toward a small coffee shop. "This is where I'm
staying, too. I've come to Winnerrow to settle some estate legalities
with Kitty's parents, who have fought me tooth and nail, claiming I
contributed nothing to their daughter's estate, therefore I don't
deserve to have even the part- she left me."

Can they break her will?" I asked wearily, wishing to God I'd not had
the misfortune to run into him.

We settled down behind a small round table, and Cal was placing an order
for a late-evening He acted toward me just as if nothing had te red our
relationship, and very well he might to end up with me in his bed. I sat
stiff and """,, t mfortable, knowing I was going to disillusion him c
moment he made even one small advance.

on my bacon-lettuce-and-tomato sandwich, I half listened to Cal as he spilled out all the difficulties he
was having with his Setterton in-laws. "And I'm lonely, Heaven, so
lonely. Life just doesn't seem right without a woman nearby. I am
legally entitled to everything Kitty left me, but when her family
contests, it forces me to hire lawyers, and that holds up all the
settlements. I will lose half of Kitty's estate in court and attorney
costs-but they don't care. They are having their revenge." My eyes had
grown very heavy by this time. "But they don't hate you, Cal, so why are
they doing this?" He sighed and bowed his head into his cradling hands.
"It's Kitty they hate for not leaving them more than her good wishes."
He glanced upward, tears shining in his eyes. "Is there a chance a
beautiful young girl will turn my way again? We could get married this
time, Heaven. We could have a family. I could finish my education, as
you finish yours, and we could both be teachers." I was numb with
fatigue, unable to resist when Cal picked up my hand and held it to his
lips, then pressed MY palm against his cheek. And just at this point,
Logan Stonewall, with a pretty girl at his side, sauntered into the
coffee shop and pulled a chair for the girl, whom I recognized as
Kitty's own sister, Maisie! Oh, my God! I had hoped not to see Logan. He
looked wonderfully healthy but somehow older than when I'd seen him
last. A certain youthful quality had been replaced by cynicism, which
twisted his smile crookedly. Had I done that to him? His dark sapphire
eyes met mine briefly, before he lifted his hand and saluted, and then
his eyes moved to stare with surprise and disgust at Cal. From that
point on he made a studied effort not to look our way. However, Maisie

was not as discreet. "Logan honey, ain't that yer ole girlfriend, Heaven
CasteeIT' He didn't bother to dignify her question with an answer.
Quickly I was on my feet. "I'm not feeling well, Cal. Please excuse me.
I'm going straight to my hotel room and to bed." Disappointment flooded
Cal Dennison's face. "I'm very sorry to hear that," he said, standing
and reaching for the check. "Please allow me to see you to your room."
It wasn't necessary, and I didn't want him to come, but pain was behind
my eyes, and fatigue was deep in my bone marrow. What was wrong with me?
Despite all my objections, which were many, Cal followed me into the
hotel lobby, stepped into the elevator, which took us to the sixth
floor, and then insisted on opening my door. Quickly I stepped into the
room and tried to close the door behind me, but he was quicker. Before I
knew what was happening, Cal was in my room and holdin me in his arms,
raining on my face hot and passionate kisses.

I struggled to free myself. "Stop! No! This isn't what I want! Leave me
alone, Cal! I don't love you! I don't think I ever did! Now let me go!"
I struck out at his face with a balled fist and just missed giving him a
black eye.

The surprise and fury of my attack caught him off guard. His arms fell
away, and he stepped backward, seemingly on the verge of tears. "I never
thought you'd forget all the good things I did for you, Heaven," he said
with sadness. "Ever since I came back to Winnerrow three days ago, I've
hoped and prayed and dreamed of seeing you again. People here have heard
about your good fortune, but they don't want to

believe it. And I know Logan Stonewall is seeing half a dozen girls,
including Maisie."

I don't care who he sees!" I sobbed, shoving at Cal and trying to push
him out of my room. "All I want to do is take a bath and go to bed-now
get out and leave me alone!" He went then. He stood in the hotel hall
beyond my open door and stared in at me with the saddest expression. "My
room number is in case you change your mind. I need someone like you.
Give yourself a chance to love me again." Images of Cal and Kitty
together flashed through my mind. Kitty saying no to his nightly
advances; his pleading voice coming through the walls and into my
room---oh, yes, he had needed me! Needed someone young and gullible and
stupid enough to think he was a genuine friend  and still, as he stood
there with those tears in his eyes, I pitied him. "Good night and
goodbye. Cal," I said softly, stepping to where I could slowly close the
door in his face. "It's all over between us. Find someone else." The
click of the closing door almost smothered his sob. I turned the key,
put on a dead bolt, and ran for the bathroom. My thoughts were in
turmoil-why had I come back to Winnerrow? To buy back Fanny's baby? What
a ridiculous idea! My hand went to my head. When the tub was full, I
stepped into the water and carefully sat down. The water was a bit too
hot. Kitty had liked very hot bath water. Where had Grandpa gone? Could
it be he would return to that miserable cabin? After I finished my bath,
I couldn't get Grandpa out of my thoughts. What had he done with all the
money I'd given him? I had to find Grandpa. I 33 Idn't be able to sleep
until I knew he was safe at the cabin. MY head was throbbing as I left
the hotel.

Main Street was steamy with humidity. Hardly a breeze blew. Up in the
Willies the wind would sing through the tree leaves, having chased over
the mountains, so it could sometimes cool even the tiny, cluttered rooms
of that miserable shack.

I got in my rented car and drove through town. It was ten-thirty at
night. All business but the pharmacy counter in Stonewall's closed after
ten in the evening.

No sooner had I hit the outskirts of Winnerrow and begun to climb the
spiraling highway, than my car began coughing and sputtering and then
died. Undecided as to what to do now, I got out and opened the hood. Who
was I fooling? I knew nothing about cars. I stared around at familiar
territory that had taken on nightmarish proportions. I should walk back
to the hotel and go to bed, I told myself, and forget about Grandpa and
the money. Tom would never accept help f from me. Grandpa didn't need me,
not really. All over I was trembling.

I tried to start the car again and again, to no avail. The wind picked
up and brought with it the scent of rain soon to fall. And this was
going to be no ordinary summer storm. This storm had wild fierce winds,
the kind that brought hail, then a sluice of water. Stronger and
stronger the wind blew into my face. I had no choice but to sit in my
car and hope that someone would drive by and stop to help me. My body
ached all over, and I began to wonder if I hadn't caught a bit of Troy's
illness.

I must have sat there for a half hour before a car appeared,
unexpectedly slowed, and the driver pulled over to the side and got out
of his car. As I rolled 3 down the window, I was shocked to recognize
the familiar figure. "What are you doing out here alone at midnight?"
Logan Stonewall asked.

I tried to explain what had happened as he regarded me suspiciously.
"C'mon, I'll drive you up there," he finally said, his eyes hard and
commanding as he led me to his car. Feeling an absolute fool, I sat on
the front seat beside him, and didn't know what to say. "I was just
going to check on your grandpa myself," he said in way of explanation
the minute he gunned his motor and shot forward. "He's not your
responsibility!" I cried out like a child, my voice gone strange and
thick. "I'd do the same thing for anyone all alone up there at his age."
Silence thicker than fog came between Logan and me. The trees along the
roadside were lashed unmercifully by the winds, before the hail pelted
down and Logan was forced to the side of the highway to wait until the
worst was over. That took about ten minutes, and during that time
neither of us spoke.

Once more Logan drove his car toward a familiar dirt road that would
branch out any second. Fastening my eyes on the road ahead, I tried to
control my trembling.

Long ago I had considered Winnerrow's one and only hotel superbly grand;
now I knew it was seedy. But still it was far better than the shack he
was driving me to! I felt like crying. I wanted a comfortable bed, clean
sheets and nice blankets, and heat to drive this sudden chill from my
bones. And now I'd have only the cabin with its outhouse, and the
inadequate heat of Ole Smokey. I felt a tragic sense of loss as
civilization was left behind in Winnerrow.

3 stead of crying, I lit into Logan. "And so you play the good Samaritan
to my grandfather, do you? I suppose you just need someone in your life
you can pity and demonstrate your generosity to." He flicked me another
of his scornful glances, and I looked at him long enough to see there
wasn't a spark of the love that was once in his eyes. It hurt to know
that my best friend had turned into a worst enemy, the kind of enemy who
would kill me with hard glances and cruel words; the knives he'd save
for others to throw.

I pressed back hard against the seat and slid as far from him as
possible, vowing to myself not to look at him again, though in the dark,
I couldn't see him very well anyway. Something was going wrong with my
vision. Unreality had me squeezed in a tight fist. That ache in my bones
had spread to my chest, behind my eyes, and my face burned as well as
hurt. Moving became more difficult.

I drive your grandfather to Winnerrow when he go," Logan said stiffly,
flicking me a glance. ts to e comes up often from Georgia and Florida to
k on his cabin."

H said Skeeter Burl would drive him home

e Skeeter Burl did drive him a few times to and from R but he was killed
in a hunting accident about two months ago." y would Grandpa tell me a
lie? Unless he'd lost reality and had forgotten. And of course, c ndpa
had forgotten reality the day his Annie ed  Logan fell into another
prolonged silence, as did I.

world had lost a mean man when Skeeter Burl departed, even if he had
favored Grandpa with a ride or two.

Using all the shortcuts it was seven miles from Winnerrow to our cabin.
This road made it three times that distance. My fuzzy mind tried to sort
out clues. "Why aren't you in Boston? Doesn't your school start in late
AugustT' "Why aren't you?"

I'm planning to fly back to Boston tomorrow afternoon " I said vaguely.
"If the rain stops," he said flatly.

The rain came down in torrents. I'd never seen such rain except in early
spring. This was the kind of strong driving rain that turned small creeks
and springs into tiger rivers that tore down bridges and uprooted trees,
and flooded the banks. Sometimes in the Willies it had rained for a
week, and more, and when it was over, lakes of water had kept us from
going anywhere, even to school.

And Troy was expecting me to return late tomorrow. I'd have to call him
as soon as I got back to Winnerrow. Another few miles passed. "How are
your parents?" I asked. "Fine," he answered shortly, discouraging me
from asking more. "I'm glad to hear that." At this point he turned off
the main highway, and now the road turned into hardly more than a dirt
path full of deep ruts flooded with water. The rain still sluiced down,
slashing at the windshield, at the windows on my side. Logan switched
off the wipers, and leaned forward to peer ahead. I'd never seen Logan
look so hard before, so unaccommodating. Then he moved suddenly, seizing
hold of my left hand, and for 33 stared at the huge diamond on my ring
finger. I see," he said, dropping my hand as if he -never wanted to
touch me again.

I. clamped my lips together, sealed my mind, anded Think of something
but the way Our Jane and to t had rejected me. That horrible sense of
loss rjung to me like old rotting moss. Paying strict attention to the
road, Logan said nothing more, and it was with relief that he turned
into the space that represented the yard of the mountain cabin I'd not
expected to see again.

This time I came to the cabin where I'd been born, th Boston
perspective, my sensibilities trained now appreciate beauty and fine
construction; my taste tivated with an eye for the best that life had to
r. So I sat, ready to feel appalled and disgusted; Cly to wonder how
anyone could want to go back back to that! I could see it all in my
mind's eye, tin ramshackled shack with the sagging front the old
wood' gone silvery and streaked with from the tin roof. The dirt yard
grown over with edis an brambles, though the puddles of rainwater uld
conceal the worst, and I wouldn't look toward k ffl outhouse and worry
about how Grandpa managed shuf he himself back and forth. I had to see
the rend in the morning. Then I had to return to Logan was parking the
car, and I had to look, had t, ace up to the horror of Grandpa out here,
alone in rain, half-protected by a leaky roof, with the ghost s wife on
a night when the wind was blowing, and always made the cabin so drafty.
sat staring, barely giving credence to what I saw.

e listing cabin was gone! 33 In its place was a strong-looking,
well-made log cabin, the kind city men called "hunting lodges." Surprise
almost had me paralyzed. "How?" I asked. "WhoT' Logan gripped the wheel
hard, as if to keep from shaking sense into me. Nor did he look my way
as we sat on in the parked car. And inside the cabin lights shone.
Electricity! I was trapped in disbelief, feeling this was a dream. "From
the way I've heard it, your grandpa was unhappy living in Georgia where
it is flat and stifling hot," explained Logan,\"and he didn't know
anyone there. He missed the hills. He missed Winnerrow. And from what
Tom wrote me, you sent him hundreds of dollars last October to pay for a
few of his critters' and that got him going. He wanted to go back -to
where he could see his Annie. And he had that money you mailed him, so
he came back. Tom has contributed his share of money, too, he works
night and day. The old cabin was torn down, and this one was put up. It
didn't take but twelve weeks, and still it is a very nice cabin inside.
Don't you want to go in and see? Or are you planning to leave the old
man alone with the ghost who shares his home?" How could I tell Logan it
wouldn't make any difference if I stayed or went, Grandpa would still
live with his beloved ghost, no matter what. But I couldn't say it.
Instead I stared at the two-story cabin. Even from the outside I could
tell it was nice inside. There were two sets of triple windows across
the front that had to allow lots of sunshine to flood inside. I
remembered the two small rooms that, had always been dim and smoky, with
never enough light or fresh air. What a difference six windows could
make! 33 And I did want to see the inside, of course I did. But I was
feeling peculiar, quivering one second from chills, flushed and hot the
next. My joints began to ache more severely; even my stomach felt
rebellious.

I opened the passenger door of the car and said,\"I can walk back to
town, Logan, tomorrow morning. You don't have to wait for me." I slammed
the door, uncomfortable with old times now that I'd adjusted to new
times, and running against the cold rain, I entered the log cabin. To my
astonishment the cabin, which had seemed small on the outside, had a
large living room where Grandpa was on his hands and knees busy fiddling
with the logs he hoped to burn in the stone fireplace that reached the
ceiling and spread across one entire side of the room. There were fine,
heavy brass andirons. a handsome fire screen and a heavy grate, and even
before a match was lit, the house was already warm. Pulled close to the
hearth, situated on a large braided rug such as Granny had once made
from old nylon stockings given to her by the church bazaar ladies, were
the two old rockers that Granny and Grandpa had used on the porch of the
old cabin. And in the winter they had been brought inside. They were the
only articles of furniture left from the original cabin.

Two chairs that looked old, faded, worn, and yet they touched me as none
of the new furniture did. "Annie  didn't I tell ya she were here?" said
Grandpa excitedly, reaching to lay his gnarled hand on the arm of the
best rocker where his wife used to sit. "She's come t'st'ay, Annie. Our
Heaven girl, come Ctake kerr of us in our time of need." > Oh, dear God,
I couldn't stay! Tr was waiting for me! OY 33 Logan had followed me
into the house and watched me from the door. I tried to pull myself
together and fight whatever it was that was making me feel ill. I
rambled around the four downstairs rooms that were paneled with wood. In
the kitchen I gazed with wonder on the bright modern electric
appliances. There was a double stainless steel sink, and beside it a
dishwasher! Folding doors revealed a laundry room with a washer and
dryer! A large double-door refrigerator! More cabinets than even Kitty'd
had in her kitchen. Country curtains at the windows, blue gingham with a
row of yellow daisies to trim the hem, and white cotton balls fringed
the edges. A round table was spread with a matching gingham tablecloth.
The tile on the floor was bright blue, the cushions tied to the chairs,
sunny yellow. I'd never seen such a pretty and homey-looking kitchen.
Why, it was the kind of kitchen I used to dream about when I was a
child. Tears stung my eyes as I reached to caress the smooth wood of the
cabinets, when once we'd had only one open shelf on which to stack our
pitifully few dishes. And nails had supported our few pots and pans. I
was sobbing openly now, seeing all the conveniences that Sarah and
Granny would have enjoyed, to say nothing of the rest of us. And like
the hillbilly kid I used to be, I turned on the hot and cold water
spigots and held my hand under  instant water here in the mountains? I
flipped on electric switches. I shook my head. A dream, that was all.
Another dream.

Wandering onward, awed, I found a small dinette with a wide bay window
that would overlook in daytime a spectacular view of the valley but for
the trees. My dream to cut down some of the trees so the 33 Its of
Winnerrow would sparkle the night like fireffies in the summers. I could
see nothing but rain on this night.

A small hallway beyond the dinette led to a downstairs bath and an
adjoining bedroom that had to be Grandpa's. I saw his "critters" placed
neatly on open shelves with mirrors behind them, and small hidden lights
dramatized the array of tiny animals and freakish but clever mountain
folk.

On Grandpa's big brass bed not the old one was one of Granny's best
handmade quilts. There was a night table with a lamp, two lounge chairs,
a bureau, a chest. I turned in circles, wandered back to the kitchen,
and in the center of the floor I began to really wail. "Why are you
cryine. " asked Logan from behind -me, his voice soft and strange,\"I
thought you might like it now. Or have you grown so used to huge
mansions that a cozy cabin in the mountains seems too Poor. It's pretty,
and I do like it," I said, trying to hold back my tears. "Please stop
crying," he said in a hoarse voice. YOU haven't seen it all. There are
rooms upstairs. Sive a few tears for those." And catching hold of my
how, he drew me forward even as I searched in my b"dbag for tissues. I
dabbed at my tears, then blew "any nose. "Your grandfather has some
trouble with not that he can't climb them, he just thinks shouldn't be
any stairs in his home." Sol eone had thought of everything. But I was j
sick feeling, needing to lie down, and I tried to , ,, away. Logan grew
forceful, almost shoving me up Stairs. "Isn't this the kind of cabin you
always 33 wished for when you were a kid growing up and feeling cheated
of everything nice? Well, here it is, so look! And if it comes too late
for you to appreciate all the trouble it took to make it this way, I'm
sorry  but you look around and you see it and appreciate it now, if you
never see it again!" Two medium-sized bedrooms were up there, and a
large double bath.

Logan leaned against the closet door. "From what Tom has written me,
your father has put money in this place, too. Perhaps one day your pa is
planning on bringing his family here." Something deep in his voice made
me turn to meet his eyes, and this time I really saw him. He wore casual
clothes as if he didn't go to church anymore on Sundays. Apparently he
hadn't shaved today, and the stubble there made him seem different,
older, less handsome and perfect. "I'm ready to go now." I headed for
the stairs. "It's a very nice house, and I'm glad Grandpa has a nice
place to stay, with plenty of food in the pantry." He didn't reply this
time, only followed me downstairs where I said goodbye to Grandpa and
kissed his gaunt, pale cheek. "Good night, Grandpa, good night, Granny.
I'll be coming back to see you again tomorrow. After I've taken care of
a few things." Grandpa nodded absently as his eyes went stark and his
fingers began to work nervously at the fringe of the shawl he'd thrown
about his shoulders. Granny's shawl! "Been good Csee ya, chile Heaven,
real good Csee ya. He wasn't going to plead. "You take care, Grand- 3
YOU hear?" I said in the country way that came readily back. "Is there
anything you need, or anything I can bring you from town?"

Got everythin' now," Grandpa mumbled, looking wound with his rheumy
eyes. "Lady comes from town a >d fixes our meals. Every day she does
that. Annie says that's nice of her, but Annie could cook fer us if she
could see betta." I touched the arm of Granny's chair, worn slick and
shiny from the clutch of her hands. Leaning, I pretended to kiss her
cheek, and that made Grandpa's eyes shine.

On the porch I stumbled twice. The wind and rain seemed an animal, wild
to destroy. The cold was so stunning it stole my breath, and the rain
blinded me.

Logan grabbed quickly to keep me from falling down the stairs.

He shouted something in my ears. The wind howled louder than his voice.
On the steps I sagged, my knees giving way, Then Logan had me in his
arms, carrying me back to the cabin.

3  CO me A r nj oo T bf - reaums the way he had to give me a sponge
bath as modestly as possible, keeping all but the skin he was cleansing
under a flannel sheet. Sometimes I childishly whimpered and cried and
tried to fight him off again, but the effort of doing that would cause
me such fatigue I could only submit. Then I realized the fruitlessness
of my resistance. I needed his caring and nursing. And from that time
on, I lay without moaning and complaining.

In my fevered delirium I knew I'd called for Troy. I pleaded time and
again with Logan to telephone him and explain why I hadn't returned to
keep our wedding plans. I'd see Logan nod, hear him say something to
assure me he was trying to contact Troy. But I didn't believe him. I
never believed him. When I could find the strength I slapped at his
hands wh ente tried to spoon medicine into my mouth. Twice I crawled out
of the bed in frail, failing efforts to telephone Troy myself---only to
stand and find myself so weak I crumpled almost immediately to the
floor, forcing Logan to spring up from his pallet near the foot of my
bed so he could pick me up and carry me back to my bed. "Why can't you
trust me?" he asked when he thought me asleep, his voice tender. his
hands gentle as he smoothed back the damp fringe of hair from my
forehead. "I saw you with that Cal Dennison and wanted to shove him
through the wall. I saw you once with that Troy you keep calling for,
and I hated him. I've been a fool, Heaven, a damned fool, and now I've
lost you. But why is it you always have to go elsewhere to find what I
was so willing to give? You never gave me the chance to be more than a
friend.

resisted my kisses, and my efforts to your lover." y lids parted to see
him sitting on the side of my his head bowed wearily. "I know now I was
a have been so considerate-for you love me.

ti love me!" I moaned softly, seeing Logan hazily, with ly standing in
the shadows behind him, his face in ess "I have to save Troy  turned
from me then, his head lifting before he d "Go back to sleep and stop
fretting over -t:oaan. He'll be all right. You've talked a lot about d I
know this, people in real life don't die from P ... but you don't know
Troy  don't know as I do. hi W pped around, his patience on a leash.
please! You can't recover if you don't stop what, I try to do for you.
I'm not a doctor, but a, considerable amount about medications. to do my
best for you. A few weeks ago I your grandpa a good supply of cold
medicine, u ecting it would be you who'd be the one sp needing. All the
roads to town are flooded. It's five solid days. I can't drive out of
the J caus he dirt roads are so rutted and flooded.

e t times I've had to dig my car out of mud up to bcaps. the to his
ministrations, not knowing what marish dreams took me to Troy. He ays ri
ing on a horse away from me, and when he' rode even faster. Into the
night, into the ased after him.

3 into my hazy vision Grandpa drifted several times' his breath coming
in short gasps and wheezes, his wizened old face hovering anxiously over
me, his hands reaching to brush back my long damp hair with weak
fingers. "Yer lookin peaked, Heaven chile. Real peaked. Annie's gonna
fix ya up something' healin'  her herbal tea. An she's made ya some soup.
Ya eat it now " Finally the day came when my fe vier stopped. My thoughts
cleared. For the first time I fully realized the horror of my situation.
I was in the Willies again, back where the cabin used to stand. Far from
Troy who had to be frantic with worry.

I stared weakly at Logan as he took clean sheets from the small linen
closet in the dressing area, and striding my way, he smiled. His beard
made him seem older, and he looked exceedingly tired.

As a young child I'd often hoped to be sick just to test Pa and find out
if he'd care for me as lovingly as once I'd seen him care for Fanny. But
of course he wouldn't have bothered himself even to hand me a glass of
water. "Go away!" I sobbed, when Logan handed me another capsule,
another glass of water. "It's embarrassing what you've done!" I cringed
from the touch of his hands. "Why didn't you telephone for a nurse after
Mrs. Burl. hurt her ankle? You had no right to do what you did!" Like a
deaf and mute man he was heedless of what I said. He rolled me over,
draped the mattress under me with a flannel sheet before he disappeared
to come back with a basin of warm water, and several towels, plus a
washcloth and a dish with soap. I clutched the covers, bringing them
high under my chin. "No!" 3 He dipped the washcloth into the water,
soap edit c. n handed it to me. "Wash your own face then. The lines were
the first thing to go. That was the evening we arrived. I just heard the
weather report on a battery radio. The rain is due to let up tonight. It
take a few days for the roads to drain of water, and by that time you
should be well enough to travel." I seized the washeloth from his hands,
then glared at him until he left the room. He slammed the door >I shut
behind him, and with ruthless determination, I scrubbed at my skin. I
put on a fresh sleep shirt, one of the many that I had mailed to
Grandpa, this time without Logan's help.

On this day I made myself eat when Logan carried a tray with soup and
sandwiches. He would not meet my eyes, nor would I meet his. "The roads
T' I managed to ask, just as he was carrying the tray out of the door.
"Clearing. The sun is out. The linemen will soon be M- t electricity and
telephone service. Once I can pring, ng in a nurse for you, I'll leave.
I'm sure that will make you very happy. You'll never have to see me
again. "You're pitying me now, aren't you?" I shouted with what frail
strength I had. "You can like me now that I'm sick and needing, but you
can't like me at all When I'm not needing. I don't need your kind of
compassion and pity, Logan Stonewall! I'm engaged to one of the most
wonderful men in the world. I'll never be poor again! And I love him,
love him so much I'm hurting inside because I'm not with him instead of
you!" There, I'd said it, in the cruelest way possible. He stood, caught
in a random beam of weak sunlight, his 3 face gone very pale before he
whirled around to stalk out of the door.

I cried when he was gone. Cried for the longest time. Cried for all that
used to be, and all the dreams left unfulfilled. But it was all right. I
had Troy. He didn't pity me. He loved me, needed me, would die without
me.

That afternoon I forced myself to walk to the bathroom alone. I took a
bath in the tub. I shampooed my hair. In a day or two I'd leave this
place and never return.

My strength took longer to return than I'd expected. Just as it took the
roads longer to clear' of flood water than Logan predicted, and he didn't
leave the minute the mud began to dry. He patiently waited downstairs,
until one day the mailman appeared. and told him that all the roads down
to Winnerrow were passable now, if he didn't mind digging in the mud now
and then. Around four that day, while Logan sprawled on the living room
sofa and dozed, I was able to negotiate the stairs alone, and in the
kitchen I helped prepare a simple meal. Grandpa seemed very contented.
Logan said nothing at all when I called him to the kitchen table, though
I felt his eyes following my every movement.

I was still weak, pale, and trembling when Logan let me out in front of
Winnerrow's only hotel, and in another rented room I changed into fresh
clothes before. I made my long-distance call to Troy. Troy didn't answer
the telephone in his cottage. I grew nervous and faint waiting for him
to respond. I hung up and dialed another number. This time one of the
servants at Farthinggale Manor answered.

3 Miss Casteel, I'll tell Mr. Troy that you He's out for the day."
Unsettled and disconcerted to think Troy wasn't here he should be, I
used the elevator again, to find waiting in the hotel lobby for me. He
rose td, I advanced, but didn't smile. "What can you now?" PR,

hands rose to my forehead. I had four hours my flight left for Boston.

rend Wise, I have to see him. But I can make on my own." My eyes lowered
to study his while I began my apology. "I'm sorry I was ugly I thank you
for helping me, Logan. I wish you of happiness. You don't need to do
anything Pe. From now on I'll take care of myself." e jon gest time I
felt his eyes on my face, as if id liny mind. Then, not responding with
,,,Ook MY arm and led me to his parked car, e on our slow way, he tried
to answer e often to visit Grand paT es when he can." n't say another
word until he let me out Street, directly in front of the parsonage, h
Reverend Wayland Wise lived with his , re t c and infant daughter.

nk you again," I said stiffly. "But you don't  is, going to carry your
bags and put them in d'car  if you still have a rented car?" he irony.
-waited, insisting on doing that, and I tried not or wobble as I made
my way up the ly swept free of all storm debris. Once 3 had reached the
high porch, I turned to see Logan waiting patiently, his head slightly
bowed, as if he'd fallen asleep behind the wheel from the fatigue of
waiting on me night and day.

And as I stood there and waited for someone to respond to my knock, a
terrible anger washed over me, erasing my weakness and giving me sudden
strength.

The Reverend and his wife had no right to steal Fanny's baby! He had
seduced Fanny when she was just a child, a minor! Fourteen years old.
Statutory rape! Yes, I was here to bring into the family fold at least
one child to replace the two I'd lost. Though I doubted very much that
Fanny should be the one to raise the child.

It was Rosalynn Wise herself who came to respond to my sharp raps on her
door. She scowled to see me, though surprise didn't show in her eyes. It
was as if she knew from my visit to the church eight days ago that
sooner or later I'd show up. As usual, she wore a dark. unflattering
dress that succeeded admirably in making her look like a stick wearing
clothes. Ye have nothing to say to you," she said in greeting. "Kindly
take yourself off our porch and don't come back." And like Fanny had in
the past, she prepared to slam the door in my face, but I was ready this
time. Stepping forward I shoved her aside and entered the house. "You
have a great deal of explaining to do," I said in my coldest sharpest
tone. I'd learned a great deal in Boston on how to act imperious. "Take
me to your husband."

He's not here." 3 d to keep me from going farther. "You get You and
your sister have caused enough trou A, Her long, lean face took on the
pious air of in contact with filth.

 so now you admit Fanny is my sister. How g. Whatever happened to Louisa
Wi seT was that at the front door?" called the rend in the kind of
ordinary voice he must J rve for at-home use.

His voice led me to his study, where the door was partially open, and I
stepped inside, despite alltis wife did to prevent this. Now that I was
confronting I t , most influential man in Winnerrow, I longed for w.

nger health, for all the words I'd had ready to say before fever came
and stole them from my memory. Half-rising from his chair,\"Waysie" Wise
smiled in a pleasant way, and that left me at a loss. I'd come expecting
to catch them both at a disadvantage. It wasn't quite ten o'clock. Yet
she was dressed, and so he. The only concession he gave to at-home
comfort were black velvet house slippers lined with red satin. For some
odd reason those exotic, elegant slippers threw me. Aha!" he said,
rubbing his dry palms together, his full, handsome face taking on a
blank, smooth look. "I do believe it's one of my sheep coming to be
embraced, at last, into the fold." He couldn't have found better words
to restore my fighting ego. As if I'd been born for this day I felt a
rising sense of justification and satisfaction to have a good reason for
telling hin, my opinion of what he was. He seated himself again in his
high-hacked, comfortable chair before the fireplace where fake flowers
took the place Of the grate. With care he chose a cigar from a brass 3
box lined with red cedar that was near his chair; he snipped off the
end, checked it over with scrutinizing eyes, and only then did he light
it. All this time I was left standing.

Obviously they weren't going to invite me to sit down. I strode forward
and selected the twin to his chair and sat. I crossed my legs and
watched his eyes as they traveled over my legs, which Troy had told me
many times were very shapely. My shoes were brand new.

Lazily, the Reverend's dark, sloe eyes looked me over. Smoldering
interest thrived deep in those eyes, and gradually it drifted to the
forefront and forced him to smile disarmingly. A smile so sweet it was
no wonder someone as naive as Fanny had been taken in.

Even up close he was a very good-looking man. He had good features, a
clear complexion, and robust good health that made his ruddy skin glow.
His extra pounds were just beginning to hint at middle age, though later
I suspected he'd go from paunchy immediately to obesity. "Yesss  I do
believe I've seen you before," he said in a throaty, flattering
way,\"though forgetting the name of such a lovely girl is simply not my
way, absolutely not my way." When I'd entered this house, I hadn't the
foggiest idea of how to approach him, but his very words had given me
exactly the impetus I needed. He was afraid. He'd hide behind a guise of
innocence. "You haven't forgotten my name, I said in a pleasant way,
swinging my foot and making my high heel a threatening weapon. "No one
ever forgets my name. Heaven Leigh has its own distinction, wouldn't you
S 3 And all that coughing had done something for my throat, something
that made it different, slightly hoarse, and my time in Boston had given
my voice a certain sophisticated sexiness that surprised even me. Tanny
is very well, thank you for asking, Reverend Wise. Fanny sends her best
regards." I smiled at him, feeling a kind of power growing just because
I could tell he was taken with my youth and beauty. I suspected he'd
been an easy foil for Fanny's seduction, even though he was a man of the
cloth. Tanny is very appreciative to both you and your wife for taking
such good care of her daughter, but now that she has given up a stage
career and will soon settle down to married life, she wants her child
back." He didn't blanch or blink an eye, though behind me I heard his
wife gasp, then sob. "Why isn't Louisa here to speak for herself?" he
asked in a soft purr.

I tried to find exactly the right words. Tanny trusts me to say what she
cannot say without crying. She regrets her hasty decision to sell her
unborn child. She knows now that a woman can never be the same after
giving birth. Her arms ache to hold her little girl. And she isn't
asking that you take a great loss, for I have come prepared to repay you
the ten thousand dollars." His smile stayed pasted on. He even managed
to talk while still smiling. "I really don't understand what you mean.
What ten thousand? What do my wife and I have to do with Fanny's baby?
We realize, of course, that dear Louisa was free with her sexual favors,
being hill-born and hill-trained, and wild as a bitch in heat, and if
she sold her baby and regrets it, indeed we are sorry " Standing, I
strode to his desk and picked up a silver- 3 3 framed studio portrait
of a child about four months old. The baby smiled into the camera lens
with Fanny's own dark eyes, true Casteel Indian eyes. The little girl's
mop of hair was not straight and coarse like Fanny's, but soft and
curly. as the hair of the Reverend must have been when he was an infant.
And oh, she was lovely, this baby that Fanny had so heedlessly sold.
Plump, dimpled hands, a tiny little ring on one finger. Sweet little
white dress with lace and embroidery. A cherished, pampered, beloved
daughter.

Suddenly the portrait was snatched from my hands! Get out of here!"
screamed Rosalynn Wise. "Wayland, why do you sit and talk to her! Throw
her out!"

I came prepared to pay for Fanny's child," I stated coldly. "You can
accept twenty thousand dollars. Ten thousand for your care of the child.
If you don't I will call in the police, and tell them what you did when
you drove to our cabin and paid my father five hundred dollars for
Fanny. I will tell the city authorities that you used Fanny as your
slave to do housework. I will tell them that their good minister
molested and sexually abused a fourteen-year-old girl, and forced her
to have his child because his wife was barren

The Reverend stood up. He towered above me, his eyes turning into cruel,
dark river stones. "You have threat in your voice, girl.

I don't like that. A hill-scum Casteel can't threaten me, not with your
tone, not with your fierce glare and your silly words. I know all about
you and your kind." His confident smile came back as he sought to
intimidate me. "Louisa has not called or written to us, after all we did
to make her happy and comfortable. Yet it's often that way with our
Lord's chosen  to try and 3 be the go od Samaritan, and in turn be given
nothing malice from those who should be grateful." but quotes from the
Bible that He intoned other words s I could never disturb were art, as
if in a million year his equilibrium.

riStopi,,, I yelled. tyou bought my sister from MY day and the year.
"And my father. I named the as witnesses to swear on, and I were there
brother Ted, watching him this took place in our cabin." I paus slip
his large feet out of the velvet slippers and into loose loafers before
he moved to sit Ponderously e desk, kept exceptionally neat. behind his
im mens wi vel chair, he tipped it When he settled back in his s then
templed his fingers beneath his chin, far back, asped like that very
high so his He held his hands cl y then I found out the mouth was
hidden. it was oni ade for the best mind lips combined with the eyes m
his eyes  and they reading abilities. Now I had only were hooded. d make
demands, girl.

t you can't come to me an costly raiment, but you you may wear diamonds,
and our word and are still a Casteel. And between i, min  who do you
think those in authority W'l' believe?" confident smile. "Darcy looks
like I found my own Fanny." His snil e turned oily and evil. "Let's not
debate a proven fact. We have papers to prove my wife gave birth to a
baby girl on the third day in February of this year. What legal proof do
you have to indicate that Fanny has even had a baby?" strong. "Stretch
MY smile wavered, then grew Fingerprints. marks. Does your wife have
those. Footprints. We Casteels are not quite as dumb as you 3 lole a
copy of her daughter's birth iat certificate she is named as the wife.
You had a forgery made-how ith those in authority?" the Rosalynn Wise
groaned. Aeverend blinked his eyes once or twice. And I w I had them!
And I had lied! As far as I knew army didn't have any proof. None
whatsoever. "No man would ever need go to the trouble of seducing your
promiscuous sister!" yelled Rosalynn Wise, her face gone paper white as
she backed toward the door.

My head jerked higher. "That is beside the point. The point being,
Reverend Wise took advantage of a fourteen-year-old girl. He, a man
sworn to the cloth, fathered Fanny's baby when she was a minort A baby
that this honorable minister now tells everyone was conceived in his
wife's own womb! It can easily be proven by a physical examination that
your wife has never given birth. Fanny wants her little girl. I want her
to have her daughter. I have come to take Darcy home to her mother."
Rosalynn Wise whimpered' like a beaten dog. But the Reverend hadn't
finished his battle. The Reverend's eyes turned harder, colder. "I know
who you are. Your maternal grandmother married into the Tatterton Toy
clan. And so you have millions behind you, and you think that gives you
power to wield over me. Darcy is my daughter, and I will fight you tooth
and nail to see she stays here in my house and not in the home of a
tramp. So get out, and stay out. "I will go to the police!" I cried with
my own anger growing.

3 on. Do everything you say. See if anyone believes you. There isn't one
soul in this city that doesn't know what Fanny Casteel is, and was, and
will always be. My congregation will sympathize with me.

Knowing that in my own home that wicked, sinful girl did steal into my
bed and with her lewd, naked body that she pressed against me, she
seduced me, for I am only a man, and human  pitifully  shamefully
hun ian It was his scornful winning smirk that made me say without
hesitation, despite his clever plea,\"You either give me Darcy so I can
take her to Fanny, or I will enter your church tonight and stand in
front of your congregation and tell them exactly what transpired on the
day you bought Fanny for your own sexual gratification' And I believe
they, will be shocked and out- raged. You could have left her alone! You
have just, admitted that you knew what Fanny was before you brought her
into your home-and still you did it! You deliberately put temptation in
your home, and you failed to resist that temptation! In the case of the
Devil versus Reverend Wayland Wise, the Devil won.

And I know your congregation. They will not forgive YOUP3 The Reverend
thoughtfully eyed me as if I were still only a white pawn on his
chessboard, and if he could but move his black queen he'd find a way yet
to thwart me. "I hear you've been sick," he said in a soft.
conversational voice. "You don't look well, girl, not well at all. And
by the way, what do you think of that nice house your grandfather is
living in? Do you believe your paltry gifts could build such a fine log
cabin'? Out of the kindness of my heart I took from 3 my own pocket the
extra money needed to see that cabin was finished after the foundation
was laid, so the great-grandfather of my daughter would have enough cash
to see it through. For I am human  pitifully, shamefully human." Minutes
passed, many minutes, and the Reverend never moved his eyes from my
face.

I heard the baby wailing upstairs, as if suddenly awakened from a nap. I
turned to see Rosalynn Wise carrying Fanny's child. And when I saw her
tearful eyes, her red pouting lips, dark curling hair, and very fair
skin, I was more than touched by her beauty. I was also touched by her
small hand that clung tightly to the fingers of the only mother she
knew. And then my storm of rage began to break, and Lrealized that Fanny
was only using Darcy as an instrument of revenge. What was I doing here
upsetting this baby and her mother? And all the time the Reverend droned
on and on, filling my ears with just what I didn't want to think about.
I had a feeling one day you would come after me, Heaven Casteel. You
used to sit on a back pew and stare at me with. those clear blue eyes of
yours, and you. questioned every word that left my lips. I could tell by
your face that you wanted to believe, needed to believe, and were trying
hard to believe, and yet I could never put the words in the right order
to convince you that there is a God, a loving, caring God. So I began to
judge all my sermons by your reaction to them  and once in a great while
it seemed I did manage to reach you. Then that day came when your granny
died, and I said the words over her grave, an dover the tiny grave of
that 3 stillborn child of your stepmother; I felt a complete failure. I
knew I would never reach you, for you don't want to be reached. You
seek. to control your own destiny, when that is not totally possible.
You want no help from man, and none from God." I didn't come for a
lecture' on what you think I am, I said stiffly. "You don't know me." He
jumped to put himself always in front of me. His eyelids parted to mere
slots so his eyes glittered in the shade of his lids. "You are wrong,
Heaven Leigh Casteel. I do know you very well. You are the most
dangerous kind of female the world can ever know. You carry the seeds
for your own destruction, and the destruction of everyone who loves you.
And a great many will love you, for your beautiful face, for your
seductive body; but you will fail them all, because you will believe
they all fail you first. You are an idealist of the most devastatingly
tragic kind-the romantic idealist. Born to destroy and self-destruct!"
His solemn, hateful, pitying eyes gazed at me, seemingly staring through
me and reading my mind. "Now it's time for me to discuss my daughter,
Darcy. I did not, as you said, bring your sister into my home with
anything but good intentions, hoping to help by taking one more mouth to
feed from your father at the time of his great distress. You refuse to
believe that, I can tell by your expression. Rose and I have done what
we think God wanted us to do. We legally adopted and we have papers
signed by your sister the child your sister gave birth to. And now to
tell you the real truth, if your father had not shoved his second
daughter at us so forcefully, I would have chosen you! Do you hear that?
You! Now ask me 3 why." When I only stared at him with shock, he
answered himself. "I wanted to explore at close hand your resistance to
God " Contemplating me with serious eyes, with compassionate eyes, with
eyes expert at concealing duplicity, I realized I was no match for
anyone as clever as Reverend Wayland Wise, and it was no wonder he had
managed to become the richest man in our area of the state. Even knowing
all the games he played to gain respect from those too ignorant to know
better, I was feeling snared in the same web as any stupid fly. "Stop
talking, please stop!" Flooded with guilt, I knew I had lost everything.
Tom was already headed for his goal, and he didn't need me. Keith and
Our Jane were wise enough even when they were young to turn away from a
destructive sister. Grandpa, living where he most wanted to be, close to
his Annie, in a mountain cabin ten times better than he had any right to
expect, would lose his home. I was crashing the world down on everyone's
head.

My fever seemed to come back. I slumped in the chair. A hot flush of
nerves rose up from my waist and tingled behind my ears. Fanny didn't
need this baby. Fanny had refused to do one thing for Keith and Our
Jane, so why had I thought she'd be a good mother for her own? My head
throbbed with sharper pain. Who was I to try and take this baby from the
only mother she had ever known? It was clear that the child belonged
here, with the Wises, who loved her and were in a position to give her
the best of everything. What could a Casteel offer this child in
comparison to this happy home? I wanted to get away from there as
quickly as I could. Shakily I stood up and looked at 3 osalynn Wise.
"I'm not going to help Fanny take the baby away from you, ma'am," I
said. ---I'm sorry I came here. I won't bother you again. " And as my
tears began to flow, I turned and hurried to the door, even as I heard
the Reverend calling after me,\"God will bless you for this." 3
Nineteen Risine inds cy LOGAN DROVE ME TO THE NEAREST AIRPORT AND SAT
WITH me in the terminal until my flight was announced. He gazed solemnly
into my eyes and told me again that I had done the right thing when I
left Fanny's baby in the arms of Rosalynn Wise. "You did the right
thing," said Logan for the third time, when I voiced my doubt to him
about the logic of my rationalizations. Tanny isn't the mother type, you
know it and I know it." Far back in my mind maybe I'd harbored the
thought of taking the baby back with me to Farthinggale Manor, praying
against hope that her sweet innocence and beauty would win Troy over,
and he'd want to raise her as his daughter. Foolish, idiotic thought.
What an idiot I'd been even to make an attempt. Fanny didn't deserve a
child like Darcy. Maybe I didn't either. "Goodbye," said Logan, standing
and gazing over my head. "I wish you all kinds of good luck and 3 and
whirling on his heel, he strode oft before I could thank him again for
taking care of me.

He looked back and smiled in a tight way. Across ffifty feet we stared
at one another before I turned anded onto the plane later I arrived in
Boston. Exhausted, halfY dek, and ready to collapse into bed, I slipped
into a taxi and hoarsely whispered the address. Then slumping to the
side, I felt dizzy and faint. I closed my eyes and thought of Logan and
the way he'd smiled at me when I told him how I'd left things with the
Wises. "I understand why you did what you did. And you keep remembering
if Fanny had really wanted that little girl she could have found a way
to keep her. You would have found a way." It was all so unreal, so
terribly unreal. The smile the butler Curtis wore when he opened the
door because I couldn't find my key, not like him at all. Nor were his
welcoming words. "It is good to have you back, Miss Heaven." Startled
that he would speak to me and address me by my Christian name, I watched
him disappear with my' suitcases before I turned to stare into the huge
room that had been formed by throwing open the Wide doors to the major
salon and the one beyond that. A party. And I wondered absently what
occasilon was about to be celebrated But then Tony was home, every day
was a reason to celebrate., From room to room I wandered, staring at the
huge -bOuquets of fresh flowers everywhere. Crystal, silver, and brass
gleaming. And in the main kitchen, c the entrees were prepared, Rye
Whiskey "S if he hadn't even noticed my absence. I left 3 3 the
kitchen, the sight of all that food making my stomach queasy, and headed
for the stairs. "So, you are back!" called a strong, authoritative
voice. Tony strode from his office, his good-looking face grim. "How
dare you do what you did? You didn't keep your word. Do you know what
you have done to Troy, do you know?" I felt myself go pale. My knees
began to quiver. "He's all right, isn't he? I was sick. I wanted to come
back." Tony strode closer, his full lips set in a long thin line. "You
have disappointed me, girl. You have disappointed Troy, and that's more
important. He's over there in his cottage in such a deep depression he
refuses to answer his telephone. He doesn't leave his bed, not even to
finish work that he's started." - My legs gave way and I sagged to sit
on a step. "I had the flu," I said weakly. "My fever rose to a hundred
and two. The doctor couldn't come because it rained every day and the
bridges went down, and the roads flooded." He heard me out, patiently
heard me out. He stood with his hand on the newel post, looking up at
where I crouched on the steps, and in his eyes I saw something that I'd
never seen before. Something that scared me. My excuses took too long.
He waved his hand, dismissing what else I had to say. "Go to your rooms
and do what you have to, then come to my office. Jillian is giving a
shower this evening for one of her friends who plans to marry soon. You
and I are going to settle a few things."

I have to see TroyP' I cried, as I wearily rose to my feet. "He'll
understand even if you don't."

Troy has waited this long. He can wait another hour or so." 3 -k- UP the
remaining stairs. I felt his eyes follow me until I disappeared into my
rooms. The maid percy was in my bedroom unpacking my bags. She gave me a
small smile. "I'm glad you are home again, Mss Heaven." The look I gave
her was distraught. Home? Would I ever feel at home in this huge house?
Quickly I washed my face and changed my clothes and did what I could for
my hair, which had not been set after my shampoo in the rebuilt cabin.
My dressing room mirror showed shadows under my eyes, and a weakness in
my expression, and yet there was strength in the set of my lips.

As I descended the stairs, my make tip only a light dusting of face
powder, the door chimes began to sound. Curtis hurried to answer the
door, admitting several women carrying beautifully wrapped gifts. They
were so taken with the party appointments they didn't seem to notice me,
thank God. I didn't want to be seen by any of Jillian's friends, who
always had too many questions.

Lightly I tapped on the door to Tony's office. "Come in, Heaven," he
called. He was seated behind I i desk. Through the row of windows behind
him, shades of night were chasing away the soft violet Colors of
twilight. Because the first floor of Farthy was at least fifteen feet
above the ground, his windows gave a perfect view of the maze that
seemed so private When you were within it. The maze represented to me
the mystery and the romance of Troy, and the love that we had found. I
couldn't pull my eyes away from the ten-foot hedges. "Sit down," he
ordered, his face shadowed and ",,\"""dden in the deepening gloom. "Tell
me now about 3 your shopping spree in New York. Tell me again about the
days of deluging rain, and the bridges going down, and the flooded
roads, and the doctor that couldn't come." Thank God Logan had talked to
me a great deal about the weather when he washed my face and brushed my
hair, so easily I could speak of the terrible rainstorm that had brought
disaster to the entire East Coast, even as far north as Maine. And Tony
listened without asking one question until I had thoroughly hung myself.
I despise people who lie," he said when my voice faded away, and I could
only sit with folded hands that tried not to twist, just as my feet
tried not to shuffle nervously. "A great many things have happened since
you went away. I know that you did not go to New York to shop for a
trousseau. I know that you flew to Georgia to visit your half-brother
Tom. You drove to Florida to see your father. You later flew to
Nashville to visit your sister Fanny, whose stage name is Fanny Louisa."
I couldn't see his expression. By this time the room was in deep
shadows, and he made no effort to turn on even one of his many lamps.
Through the walls I could very faintly hear the voices of many women
gathering. Nothing they said was distinguishable. I wished like crazy to
be out there with them, instead of in here, with him. Heavily I sighed
and started to stand. "Sit down." His voice was cold, commanding. I have
not finished. There are a few questions you have to answer, and answer
honestly. First of all, you must tell me your truthful age." I am
eighteen," I said without hesitation. I don't 3 I lied to you about my
age when I came and dI as sixteen, except it has always made me a bit
hbarrassed the way my mother rushed into marriage T fat her, when she
had never seen him before Y they met in Atlanta." was so viable it
quivered the air. I At-.m rately for light.

what difference does one year make?" I gone breathless from the scary
way he just sat in the dark and didn't speak. I told Troy right from the
beginning that I was seventeen, and not for he didn't seem as critical
as you are. Tony, let me go to him now. He needs me. I ase him out of
his depression. Truthfully, I was sick. I would have crawled back to
Troy if I could moved in his chair, to put his elbows on his k, and he
cradled his head in his hands. The ow fight behind him made a
dark-purplish frame, the quarter moon slipped in and out of dark,
clouds. Tiny stars twinkled on and off. Time ping by. Time that could be
better spent with "Let me go now to Troy, please Tony." he said, his
voice hoarse, gritty. "Sit not yet,

ell me what you know about how your now and t er met your father-the
month, the day, and the -Tell me the date of their marriage. Tell me all
"Your grandparents said about your mother, and you have answered every
question I ask, then may go to Troy.

 t track of time as I sat in the dark and talked to that I saw only in
silhouette, on and on telling of the Casteels and their poverty; Leigh
en and what I knew of her, which was 3 pitifully little, and when I'd
finished, Tony had a thousand questions to ask. "Jailed brothers, five
of them " he repeated. "And she loved him enough to marry him. And your
father hated you right from the beginning? Did you ever have a clue as
to why he hated you?"

My birth caused my mother's death," I answered simply. All the security
my new clothes gave me had vanished. In the gloom and chill of that
early evening, with the party guests so far away now even their loudest
laughter couldn't be heard, the hills came again and surrounded me, and
I was again a hillbilly scumbag Casteel, no good, no good,- no good. Oh,
God, why did he stare at me like that? Little bits of all my doubts
congealed to form a mountain in front of me. I wasn't good enough for
the Stonewalls;' I couldn't possibly be suitable for a Tatterton. So I
perched, uneasily, waiting, waiting.

It seemed thirty minutes passed after I answered his last question, and
he just sat with his back to the window, while the moonlight fell upon
my face, and turned the rose of my summer dress to ash. When he spoke
his voice was calm, perhaps too calm. "When you first came I thought you
were an answer to my prayers, come to save Troy from himself. I thought
you were good for him. He's a withdrawn young man, difficult for most
girls to know, I suspect for fear he will be hurt. He's very vulnerable
and he has those strange ideas about dying young." I nodded, feeling
blind in a world that only he could clearly see. Why was he talking so
cautiously? Hadn't he encouraged us to marry by not saying anything to
prevent us from making plans? And why, for the first 3 I'd known him,
was he devoid of humor, of c since all lightheartedness? "He's explained
to you about his dreams?" he asked. "Yes, he's told me."

Do you believe as he belie vesT "I don't know. I want to believe because
he believes that dreams often foretell the truth. But I don't want to
believe his dream about dying young."

Has he told you  about how long he thinks he will live?" His voice
sounded troubled, as if a little boy who had cried in the night had
partially convinced him-when he should know better.

I "When Troy and I are married and there are no more lonely, shadowed
nights in his life, he'll forget about dying. I'll study him. I'll
learn what gives him pleasure. I'll make him the core and essence of MY
life, so he can be set free from worries that no one will ever care
enough to stay. For that is the seat of his > ies, fear of losing
again." last he turned on his desk lamp. I had never seen burn so blue,
so deeply blue. "Do you think I dWn't do my best for Troy, do you? I was
only twenty I hastened into marriage just to give Troy a th a real
mother and not just some teenage girl er, wouldn't want to be bothered
with a needing boy who was frail and often seriously ill. And Leigh to
be his sister. I was trying my best." haps when you explained his
mother's death e paradise seem better than what he could U may have
something there," he said with in his voice, shrugging and leaning back,
3 looking around as if for, an ashtmyl and finding none he put his
sparkling cigarette case back in his pocket. N never seen him pull out a
cigarette before. "I've thought the same thing myself-hut what was I to
do with a child who cherished grief and never let it go? After I married
Jillian, Troy attached himself to Leigh, so when she ran from this house
he cried every night, blaming himself as the cause for her leaving. For
three months after she went he was confined to bed. I used to go to him
when he cried out in the night and I'd tell him one day she'd come back,
and he fastened on that like a leech. - I suspect he began daydreaming
about the time when she did come home again, and she'd be just nine
years older, not so old he couldn't love her as he wanteCo love her  and
so all these years, until your father called, Troy has been biding his
time, waiting for your mother to return, nd be the woman he couldn't
seem to find. anywhere. And you showed up, not Leigh." Thunderstruck, I
felt my head swim. Now I was the one to wince and blanch! "Are you
trying to tell me I am just a substitute for my own mother?" I cried out
in rising hysteria. "Troy loves me. for what I am! I know he does! A
little boy of three, four and five can't possibly fall in love and stay
in love over a period of seventeen years! That's too ridiculous to even
suggest! I "I guess you're right." His eyes narrowed before he sighed,
and again he reached inside his jacket for that Me cigarette case. Again
he absentmindedly looked at ound for an ashtray. "It just occurred to me
that Troy put Leigh on a pedestal and compared all other women to her,
and it seems only you can measure UP.

3 here, so accessible, but I'll see to your financial welfare. You'll
never want for anything, I promise."

You want me to break my engagement to Tro yT I repeated with
incredulity. "You and your great concern for his welfare! Don't you
know the last thing in the world he needs is for me to disappoint him?
He feels he's found the one woman in the world who can understand him!
The only one who will stay and love him until the day he dies!" He stood
up, looking around, refusing to meet my eyes. "I am trying to do what I
think is best." His calm underlined the passion I had displayed. "Troy
is the only heir I have. The Tatterton Toy Company will pass into his
hands when I die, or into the control of his son. It has been this way
for three hundred and fifty years, from father to son, or brother to
brother  that's the way it has to be. Troy has to marry and produce a
son-for I have a wife too old to bear children."

There is nothing physically wrong with me! I can have children! Troy and
I have already discussed that and have decided on two." His look of
abstraction became more profound. He stood, leaning heavily on his desk.
"I was hoping to save myself some embarrassment. I prayed you would
withdraw politely. I see now that it isn't possible. But I'm going to
try one more time. just believe it when I say you cannot marry Troy. Why
don't you just leave it like that?"

How can I? Give me one good reason why I can't marry him? I'm eighteen,
I'm of legal age. No one can stop me from marrying him." He sat down
again, heavily sat down. He shoved his chair from his desk, crossed his
legs, and moved his 3 back and forth. And for the life of me I couldn't
understand how I could still admire his polished shoes and the kind of
dark socks he wore. His voice sounded different when he spoke again.
"It's your age that has brought this all about. You see, I thought you
were younger than you are. I didn't know your true age until one day
while you were gone Troy casually mentioned it. Not once did any
suspicions cross my mind until then. I'd look at you and you'd be all
Leigh, but for your hair. Your mannerisms are very like hers when you
are happy and when you feel at ease in your surroundings, but there are
other times when you remind me of someone else." He stared again at my
hair, which during the summer had taken on streaks of brighter brown,
with reddish highlights. "Have you ever worn your hair short?" he asked,
quite out of context. "What has that got to do with anything?" I almost
shouted. "I suspect the weight of your hair pulls out the natural curl,
and that's why your hair frizzes' as you say, when it rains." I "What
has that got to do with anything?" I again shouted. "I'm sorry my hair
isn't platinum like my mother's hair and like Jillian's! But Troy likes
my hair. He's told me so many times. He loves me, Tony, and it took him
so long to tell me that. He had given up on life until I came along, he
told me that, too. I've convinced him that his precognition of his own
death doesn't have to happen." For the second time he rose, like a cat
undulating and stretching until he leaned to crease his trousers between
thumb and index fingers. "I confess I'm not partial to dramatic
confessions such as this. I would 3 3 prefer all dramas to be confined
to the stage or to movie screens. I am an even-tempered person, and I
have to admire someone like you who can ignite and explode so easily.
Perhaps you don't know this, but Troy has the same kind of temper, only
he is a slow burn, and when he explodes it turns inward on himself.
That's why I'm trying to be careful. If I never speak another true word
the rest of my life, I say again I love my brother more than I love
myself. He is like my son, and because of him I honestly confess I've
never truly wanted my own son, who would disinherit Troy. You see, or I
guess you've already seen, Troy is the genius behind Tatterton Toys. He
is the one who creates, designs, and invents, while I fly about the
world as a glorified sales rep. I am a figurehead ruler. If given ten
years I couldn't come up with one original idea to create a new toy or
board game yet Troy originates without effort; he suggests themes for
games, indoor and out, like he invents those eternal sandwiches he
loves." I could only stare at him. Why was he telling me all of this
now? Why now? "It's Troy who deserves to be president, not any son I
might have. So please, ease out of his life with little to-doj' I stay
to see him through. You can go to your boyfriend Logan what's-his-name,
and I'll put in your bank account two  million  dollars. Think about it.
Two million. People kill for that much money. He smiled at me
charmingly, winningly, pleadingly. "Do it for Troy. Do it for yourself
and the career you want. Do it for me. Do it for your mother. Your
beautiful, dead mother." I hated what he was doing to me! "What has she
got 3 do with. this I screamed, terribly angry that he would have the
bad taste to bring her up at a time like this. "Ever anything " and his
voice was growing louder, angrier, as if my passion were consuming the
air and putting fire under his feet.

3 Twenty M Motber Myratber Y t WIMT'E'MR rr IS, I WAM TO KNOWV' I GUED,
TWISUNG in my chair and leaning forward.

Tony's tone of voice turned hard. "This isn't easy for me, girl, not
easy at all. I am trying to do you a favor, and in so doing I am not
serving myself well at all. Now keep your silence until I've finished
and then you may hate me just as I deserve." Those cold blue eyes glued
my tongue I sat without moving. "From the very beginning of my
marriage to Jill, Leigh seemed to hate me. She could never forgive me
for taking her mother away from her father. She adored her father. I
tried to win her affections. She wanted none o t at. I didn't do a thing
to harm her, am eventually I stopped trying to win her over. I knew she
blamed me for her father's desperate unhapPinow. "I came home from my
long honeymoon with Jill disillusioned. Horribly disillusioned. I tried
not to let anyone see it. Jill isn't capable of loving anyone more 3
and tease me. Often she danced around me tugging at my hands, taunting
me with words that often stung, for they hit the mark so often. You
married a paper doll,' she'd chant to me time and again. Let Mother go
back to my father,' she pleaded, and if you do, Tony, and if you do,
I'll stay! I'm not in love with myself like she is.' And God help me, I
wanted her. She was only thirteen years old and she had more sexuality
in one small, white finger than her mother had in her entire body."

St opP I screamed. "I don't want to hear any MO IIC He went on
relentlessly, like a river of melted snow that had to flood and destroy.
"And one day when Leigh had taunted and teased me ruthlessly, for it was
her game to punish me as much as she punished her mother, I grabbed her
by her arm and pulled her into my study and locked the door behind me. I
planned only to frighten her a little bit and make her realize she
couldn't play a girPs game with a man. I was still just twenty years
old, thwarted and angry, disgusted with myself for falling so witlessly
into the trap Jill had set. Before we married, Jill had her lawyer draw
up papers that would. put half my gross worth into her hands if ever I
sued her for divorce. And that would mean I could never divorce her and
hope to salvage anything for Troy. And so when I slammed and locked that
door, I was punishing Jill for cheating me, and punishing Leigh for
making me so aware of my stupid mistakes."

You raped my mother  my thirteen-year-old mother?" I asked in a low,
hoarse whisper. "You, with your background and your education, acted
like some scumbag hillbilly?" 3 ay I do t understand," he said in a
desperate kind of voice. "I had thought only to tease her, frighten her,
believing she'd be more sophisticated anoa ugh and call me a fool, and
then I wouldn't have to perform. But she excited me with her with her
ppMc, with her innocence that was so by the thought of what I planned to
do. I told she was pulling an act, for the girls of Winter Are
notoriously open about sex. Yes, I raped cot her Your thirteen-year-old
mother." I You horrible manP' I yelled, jumping beast. throwing myself
at him and striking his chest. ItCh his face, but he was quick. "No c
ran away, no wonder! And you drove her arms so the hills and the cold
and the - EM her!" at his shins, so he released my hands to then I ran
back at him, to strike again at you! You killed her! You drove her
another kind of hell!" seized my fists and held me off, his cynical hg
more ironic. "She didn't run after the Nor did she run after the second
or the ou see, your mother found out she enjoyed i den lovemaking. It
was exciting, thrilling. r, and for me. She'd come to me, stand in the
and wait. And when I advanced, she'd - o shiver and quake. Sometimes
tears would face. When I touched her she'd fight and but she knew no one
could hear her screams, the end she'd succumb to my lovemaking
like ous child she was beneath all that angelic of my palm found his
face this time! 3 The sting of my slap left a red stain there. I curled
MY fingers and tried to scratch his eyes from his face! "Stop it!" he
commanded, thrusting me away so I staggered backward. "I won't have it!
I meant never to tell you." Again I threw myself at him, striking at his
face. He held me firmly by my shoulders and shook me until MY hair flew
wild. "Until I heard your birth date I didn't count the months. Now I
have. Leigh ran from this house on the eighteenth day of June. And you
were born on the twenty-second of February. That's eight months. She had
lain with me at least two months off and on, and so, I have to presume
there is a strong possibility that you are my daughter." I stopped
Miling my arms in useless efforts to inflict some further harm to him.
My blood drained from my face. A tingling started behind my ears, and my
knees went weak. "I don't believe you," I said brokenly. I felt bruised,
beaten. "It cat be true. I'm not Troy's niece, I can't be!"

I'm sorry, Heaven, so sorry. For you would have been perfect, the very
one to save him from himself. But I have sat here this evening and heard
your story of how Leigh met Luke Casteel, and heard the day of their
marriage, and there is no way you can be Luke Casteel's daughter, unless
you were born prematurely. Did your granny ever hint that you came
early.

Backing off from him, I shook my head numbly. I wasn't Pa's daughter.
Pa. A scumbag Casteel. "You said your father hated you, hated you from
the day you were born. Heaven, it is entirely possible, Leigh being what
she was, that she told your father she was pregnant before she married
him. And now 3 ain about who you are. It's your hair, Heaven, a your
hands. Your hair is the same color and as Troy's, and your hands and
fingers are d like his. Like mine. We both have the Tatterfingers."
spread his hands, displaying his long, tapering before I gazed down at
mine. They were the hands I'd seen all my life, small with long fingers
-long oval nails-and half the women in the world hair my color. Nothing
exceptional. And I'd S believed Granny's hands would have looked the if
she hadn't kept them working slavishly her life.

  and aching, sickened almost into vomiting, and left his office.
Stumbling up the stairs and lroom, I threw myself on my bed and cried.

Casteel? Not a no-good, rotten, scumbag five uncles imprisoned for life?
lied into my bedroom without knocking,, tly on the foot of my bed, and
this time was soft and kind: "Don't make it so I'm so sorry to ruin your
romance Though I am delighted to have you gughter. Everything will work
out, you'll see. have shocked and hurt you, and despite all told you, I
did love your mother. She was and still I can't forget her. And in my
own I admire you and what you have done You ther. I will be more than
generous, so keep mind when next you see Troy. Tell him that will sound
plausible. Don't give him would drive him to end his life. For don't
that's what his dreams are all about? He self-destructive! He is
disappointed in the 3 world, in everyone who died or went away and
failed him, and so he seeks to escape." He moved to lay his heavy hand
briefly on my shoulder before he got up and half turned toward the door.
"Be good to him, for he's fragile, not like you or me or Jillian," he
said in a choked voice. "He is an innocent in a world of vultures. He
doesn't know how to hate. He only knows how to love, so he can later
suffer and feel inadequate. So give to him the best you have in you,
Heavenly, the very best you have to give. Please."

I already ha vel I screamed, sitting up to hurl a pillow at the door
where he stood. "Does he know? Have you told him that you could be my
father?" I saw the shiver that ran down Tony's body. "I could not bring
myself to tell him. He respects me, admires me, loves me. He has always
been the best thing in my life, despite all the trouble he was. I am
begging you, on my knees, to find some other reason for breaking your
engagement. He will hate me if he knows the truth. And will I be able to
blame him? You could have saved him  and I am responsible for taking you
from him. I only hope and pray you can find the right words, for I
cannot." An hour passed during which my tears evaporated. An hour in
which I bathed my face and eyes with ice water, and very carefully I
applied makeup. Then, with no real words stashed in my brain to help him
survive without me, I slipped through the maze. I knocked on Troy's blue
door. There was no response, just as Tony had warned me there would be
none.

It was late now, about ten. There had never been a more glorious
evening. Birds snuggling down for the night chirped and cheeped
sleepily. Hundreds of rose 3 et perfume to tickle my nostrils. oses and
pansies glimmered beside his blue Gardenia bushes waxed brightly in the
moon huge, and almost blue. The air t:, their. blossoms - I soft as a
lover's kiss, and he was inside, shut ---I called as I opened his door
and hesitated e threshold. "It's Heaven. I'm back. I'm so sorry ill and
couldn't return on the day I .M no response. There was no scent of' g in
the oven, or bread that had recently The cottage was too still, too
orderly, bedroom, throwing open the door. He , lbod, with his- head
turned toward the open breezes fanned out his curtains, almost full of
roses from a table.

again, moving closer to the bed. my way. Please say you forgive me for
my word; I wanted to, desperately i t look my way. I drew closer, then n
the bed, and gently turned his head my nfight through the windows showed
me his blank stare. He was a million miles in some horrible dream. I
knew that, sed down softly on his. I murmured his an dover. "Come back
to me, Troy,, You are not alone. I love you. I will over I called him
back, until at last the J his eyes departed, and slowly they came 3 3
into focus. Delirious and happy delight took away the stare, even as
his fingers reached to trail over my face. -You did come back  oh,
Heaven, I was so terrified you wouldn't. I had a weird feeling you
went to that Logan Stonewall again, and discovered you love him, and not
me."

You, only you!" I cried passionately, raining kisses all over his
chilled, pale face. "I had the flu, darling. ran a high fever for days
and days. The telephones were down, the bridges were out, and the roads
were flooded. I returned to you as soon as I could." His smile was thin
and weak. "I knew I was being silly to allow myself to become so
depressed. I knew you would come back, subconsciously I knew that " I
snuggled into his embrace and felt his hands slip into my hair. My face
pressed down against his chest.

I heard his heart beating slowly, so slowly-how fast was a normal heart
supposed to beat? "I don't want a big wedding, Troy. I've changed my
mind about that. We'll slip away from Farthinggale Manor and have a
small private ceremony." He held me tightly against him, stroking my
hair, putting small kisses on the top of my head. "I'm so tired, Heaven,
so tired. I thought you wanted a large wedding."

No, I want only you."

Tony has to be at the wedding," he whispered with his lips brushing my
forehead. "It wouldn't be real without him. He was like my father "

Whatever you want," I mumbled, holding his frail body closer. How thin
he'd become. "You are totally recovered from your pneumonia, aren't
you?"

As recovered as I ever am from any disease." 3 honeydew melon after
another. He began to ply me with questions immediately. Had I seen Troy?
Had I broken our engagement? What had been his reaction? What had been
my explanation? I had been kind, considerate, caring, hadn't "I said as
little as possible about you." My voice was cold, hostile. I hated him
every bit as much as I hated Pa. "Out of consideration for Troy, I
covered for you, though if Troy wasn't so sensitive, I would have let
him know exactly what kind of man his beloved brother is, and was."

What reason did you give him?"

I gave him none. We are still engaged. I don't know how to destroy him,
Tony, I just can't do it!"

I can see you are building a tower of hate for me. Maybe you are right
to wait a few weeks before you tell him you'v found out you are still in
love with that young man of yours. Logan, isn't that his name? Troy will
get over you. I'll be here to support him. I'll see to it that he
recovers. And the best way to do that is through work. Once Troy accepts
the fact that you love someone else and won't be marrying him, he'll
make substitutes for your love. I'll do what I can to see he- finds
another girl he wants to marry." It hurt so much to hear him say those
things that I wanted to bay at the sun like a wolf did at the moon, like
Sarah had once done when her last baby died. In MY chest was a living
pain. And beside me was the man who had started everything. "What a
detestable person you are, Tony Tatterton! By God, if I knew it wouldn't
hurt Troy, I would tell him exactly what you did to my mother! And he'd
hate you! You would lose the. one person who is most valuable to youl" 3
the lme a pitiful look. "Please  remember, you would destroy him. Troy
lives on faith and belief. H,O.iSn't, like you or me, able to survive no
matter what fti,,oircunistances. ,o 't ever compare me to yourself
again!" I didn't respond, only reached for another melon t slice.

Promise, Heaven, promise to say nothing to Jill itt. any of this. up and
stalked by Tony's chair without pro mis- pg. righfill Tony yelled,
abruptly out of patience, A seizing my arm and whipping me so I saw his
usually pleasant and handsome face monstrous with anger. "Go back to
Troy! Go nun! And when you're ddne with him, I and destroy her! And when
you've finished in Farthy, run to your father and ruin his Tbm's and
Fanny's, and don't leave out Our Keith You want revenge, Heaven Leigh
fsee it in your eyes, those incredible blue t speak of a devil inside
more than they speak angel g my balled fist at him blindly, striking
nothing released me so suddenly I fell off balance to the :,' ,Ouickly I
scrambled to my feet, to spurt ahead he wasn't able to say another word
before I was g up the stairs to the safety of my bed again.

place. O'clock I was again in the cottage, and this was out of bed,
looking a bit stronger as he at me. "Come," he said, beckoning,\"I want
3 you to see this train set-up that has jut been finished, and then
we'll eat.' What he had to show me filled one huge corner of his
workshop. It was a tiny stage-set with soft lights glowing, and hidden
spots lit up the sets, and miniature trains picked up passengers and let
them off, only to pick them up again, repeatedly taking them around
mountains steep and dangerous; I thought, as I watched the tiny Orient
Express chuggity-chug, chuggity-chug, starting slowly, gaining speed,
forever climbing, forever taking risks, daring everything only to reach
the heights, only to descend much more quickly than it had ascended,
that Troy was trying to tell me something through his tiny trains.

What was it that Troy tried to say with these three little trains that
wove such intricate paths through different territory, yet always
reached the same destination? Didn't the whole human race ride trains
throughout life, reaching highs, sinking to lows, riding the plateau
between extremities more often than they soared or fell. I chewed
thoughtfully on my lower lip, pressed my forehead with my fingertips
and stared at a little girl who had been added to the passengers. A
dark-haired little girl wearing a blue coat with matching blue shoes.
She was enough like me to cause me to smile. For the trains that
apparently led nowhere still gave the passengers thrills. The little
girl didn't get off the train at the destination, only an old woman
wearing another blue coat with matching blue shoes. And eagerly I went
back to the train depot, and saw again the little girl in her blue coat
boarding another train

Oh, but he was good at this toy making, giving it meaning, imparting
without words his beliefs, and as 3 turned away from the trains, I felt
the familiar fascination gather me into its arms. "Troy, Troy!'I I
called. "Where are you? We havea.thousand plans to make!" He was seated
on one of the window seats again, his long legs pulled up, his skilled
and graceful hands loosely locked below his knees-and all the windows
were wide open and the cold, damp wind swept through his bedroom!
Alarmed, I ran to pull at his arm, trying to bring him out of the
nowhere he had lost himself in. "Troy! Troy!" I yelled, shaking him, and
still he gazed straight ahead without blinking. Even as I shook him, the
wind gusted in so strong it blew a table lamp to the floor. I had to use
all my strength to pull the windows down, and when I had them all
closed, I ran to gather up blankets which I, swatched about Troy's
shoulders and legs; still he had not moved nor spoken.

His face was pale and cold when I touched him, but soft, and that made
me cry out in relief. He wasn't ad. Yet his pulse when I felt for it was
so faint I to his telephone and dialed Farthy. Over and r again the
telephone rang and no one answered! I know what kind of doctor I could
call directly. My'fingers trembling, I picked up Troy's Yellow Pages and
was thumbing through them when I heard him sneeze.

I "Troy!" I cried, hurrying to his side. "What are you doing, trying to
kill yourself?" His eyes were, unfocused and blurry, his voice weak when
he spoke my name. When he could see me, he seized me as a drowning man
reaches for anything, and I was pulled hard against him so his face
could bury deep into my hair. "You came back. Oh, God, I thought you'd
never come back!" 3 "Of course I came back." Kisses I rained on his
face. "Troy, I stayed here with you last night, don't you remember?"
More kisses on his face, on his hands. "Didn't I tell you I'd returned
so we could marry?" I stroked his arms, his back, smoothed down his wild
hair. "I'm sorry I came back late, but I'm here now. We'll marry and
build our own traditions, make every day a holiday   -." And I stopped
talking because he wasn't really listening.

The chilly room brought on fresh assaults of sneezes, from both of us,
then I was drawing him to the bed, so we could both snuggle under mounds
of covers and wait for our shivering to end. Even as we lay there,
wrapped tightly in each other's arms, the many clocks began all those
subtle grinds and movements that would tell the chimes to toll.

Some errant wind managed to come in and tinkle the crystal prisms of his
dinette chandelier. "It's all right, darling, darling," I crooned,
smoothing his dark, rumpled hair. "I came upon you just now during one
of your  what do I call them? Trances, would that be the right word?"
His arms tightened so much my ribs began to ache dully. "Heaven," he
breathed,\"thank God you are here. His voice broke and he sobbed, gently
pushing me from him. "However much I am grateful, I can't pretend any
longer that I can live with you. Or marry you. Your absence gave me the
chance to think over what we were doing; your presence deludes me into
thinking I'm a normal man, with normal expectations. But I'm not, I am
not! I'll never be! I'm warped and unable to change. I didn't think
you'd come back, once you got out into the real world and discovered
you'd been asleep. This isn't a real house, Heaven.

3 Not one lived in by real people. We're all fakes, Heaven, Tony,
Jillian, me; even the servants learn the rules and play the game." An
ache that had begun when I entered thickened and grew. "What rules,
Troy? What game?" Laughing in a way that chilled my blood, he rolled
over, holding me still, rolled again and again until we fell to the
floor, and he ripped off my clothes wildly, and his warm kisses soon
turned hot. "I hope we both made a baby," he cried when it was over, and
he turned away and began to pick up the pieces of my torn garments. "I
hope I didn't hurt you. I never want to hurt you. But I'd like to leave
behind something real, made of MY fleshand blood." Then, crushing me to
him, he began to sob--deep, harsh, terrible sobs.

I held him, caressed him, kissed him a thousand times before we both
fell onto the bed and covered ourselves from the harsh cold.

As I lay there beside him and heard him choke back his sobs and whatever
anguish he suffered, I realized Troy was far too complex for me ever to
understand. I'd just love him as he was, and maybe one day when he woke
up from a dreamless sleep he'd smile before dawn and throughout the day
thoughts of dying young would be forgotten.

And I slept. From time to time I woke up slightly, enough to feel air
moving around me. Enough to feel warm arms embracing me.

Then it was another day, and I was in my own room and there was a note
on my night table. A short note from Troy.

I didn't like notes. I'd not known one yet that came unposted that
hadn't brought sad news.

3 My own true love, You found me in the wind last night, just sitting,
just trying to figure out what my life is all about.

We can't marry. And yet last night I took you and did my best to make
you conceive. Forgive me for my selfishness. Go to Jillian. She'll tell
you the truth. Make her tell you. She will if you push her hard enough,
and call her Grandmother, and force her to abandon her disguise.

The love I have for you is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I thank you for loving and giving me so much, even knowing all my
weaknesses. And my greatest flaw has been my over- whelming love and
devotion to my brother. I have been blind, deliberately blind.

Jillian came and told me everything. To save you I have to accept what
could have saved your mother. For Jillian had to admit that Tony was
wild with his infatuation to possess your mother. I know now, after you
have goaded me into thinking backward, that she hated him, and he was
the one she ran from. Heaven, you are Tony's daughter, and my own niece!
I'm. going away until I can learn to live without t T you. Even if you
weren ony's daughter, and my niece, Fd ruin your life. I don't know how
to live complacently and accept each day as it comes. I have to make
every day meaningful and important, for each day I live seems always the
last one.

He signed that note with a huge TIT. This morning brought back sharply
the horrible day I'd bitten into an apple, then wandered into the room 3
wife. "What did you tell him? What could you tell him? Your daughter
never confided anything to the mother she despised!" Jillian stood in
her lovely suit in unwrinkled perfection, seeming about to open her
mouth and scream. "Did my mother come to you, Jillian, and tell you why
she had to run? Did she, did she?"

Go away. Leave me alone." I persisted. "What made my mother run from
this house? You've never adequately explained. Was it a five-year-old
boy? Or was it your husband? Did my mother come to you with tales of her
stepfather's sexual advances? Did you pretend you didn't know what she
was talking about?" Her pale hands pulled at her loosely fitting rings,
on and off, on and off. I'd never seen her wear rings before. Mindlessly
she dropped three rings into an ashtray. The small clatter of the rings
striking crystal caused her eyes to widen. "I don't know what you're
talking about."

Grandmother  and I said this clearly, sharply, causing her to shudder as
she went dead white. "Was Tony the reason my mother ran from this
house?" Her cornflower blue eyes, so like my own, went wide, stark,
bleak, as if I'd snatched the floor from beneath her feet. Gossamer
strands of sanity seemed to shred before they snapped behind her eyes,
and her hands fluttered helplessly to her face. Her palms pressed tight
on either cheek, so tightly her lips parted and from them came screams,
terrible, silent screams that tortured her face-and suddenly Tony was
there, yelling at me! "Don't you say one more word!" He stepped 3
Quickly I sat down in the twin chair to his, placed opposite him, and I
leaned forward with breathlessness. when already I'd heard the wprst--or
so thought. But then, I was still an innocent, not accustomed to the
complexities of human nature and all the devious ways it had of
maneuvering to salvage its self-respect, when some things Could never be
salvaged. - He began, lowering his eyes as if ashamed now, now when it
was too late. "In the year when your mother ran from this house, I had
flown to Germany to confer with a manufacturer there who does some of
our small-part mechanical work."

I don't care about your toys at a time like this." I intervened.

He flicked his eyes upward. "I'm sorry, I'm digressing, but I wanted you
to understand why I was away. Anyway, your mother had tried to tell
Jillian a number of times that I was making improper advances. And on
this day. she screamed at Jillian, who didn't want to listen, that she
had missed one of her monthly periods. Does that mean I'm pregnant,
Mother, does it?' Jill whipped around and tore into her, refusing to
believe anything she'd said. You filthy-minded little slut,' she
shouted. Why would a man like Tony want a girl like you, when he has me,
me? If that's the way you're thinking. I'll send you away. 3 "'You don't
have to bother,' whispered Leigh, her face gone dead white, I'll go and
you'll never see me again! And if I'm pregnant. I'll be the one to have
the Tatterton heir!"' I was caught unprepared for those words. "How did
you find out, how?" 3 Tony's hands bowed into his hands. His voice came
out wretched and tom. "I knew a long time ago Jillian envied Leigh's
beauty, which needed no makeup or other enhancements  but it was only
when she broke a few minutes ago that she screamed the truth at me.
Leigh was pregnant when she left here, driven out by her own mother's
failure to understand and help. And in loving Leigh, I not only
destroyed her, I have destroyed my brother." I sat on and on, reeling
with the full knowledge. I wasn't Pa's daughter. I wasn't a scumbag
Casteel, no daughter of the hills. But what good would it do me now, now
that Troy was gone? 3 Twenty-one Passin,a Time cy TRoy WAS GONE. I
WAffED EACH DAY FOR A LETFER from him. None ever came. I walked through
the maze each day to his cottage, hoping against hope that he'd come
back, and we'd be close friends if nothing more.

The cottage and its lovely gardens began to look neglected, so that I
sent Farthy's gardeners over to bring it back to order. Then, one day at
breakfast, with Jillian still upstairs asleep, Tony told me he'd heard
from one of his plant managers that Troy was visiting each European
factory one by one. "That's a good sign," said Tony brightly, struggling
to smile. "As long as he goes out and sees the world it means he's not
lying in a bed somewhere, waiting to die." Tony and I were allies of a
kind, united in a common cause, to bring Troy home again, to help him
survive. Despite the terrible thing Tony had done to my mother, whether
or not she had led him on, each day it lost some of its importance, as I
fought the routine of going to college and studying so hard 3 S I fell
into bed exhausted. ThaVs when Tony was very helpful to me, assisting me
over scholastic hurdles I couldn't seem to climb alone.

AS for Jillian, she became a ghost of her former Bringing the full truth
of her daughter out of the i   t and into the light put Jillian in the
closet. All "" Parties and charity affairs she had loved to attend were
forgotten in the self-abuse that keep her in bed, so she no longer cared
how she looked. She cried constantly for Leigh to come back and forgive
her for not listening, for not understanding, for not having cared
enough. But of course it was too late for Leigh to come back.

Yet LIFE went on. I shopped again for new clothes. I wrote letters to
Tom and to Fanny, and always included a check for both. Striving for the
top grades became my main objective in life. Often when Tony and I were
forced to join each other just to feel we weren't alone in a huge house,
I found his blue eyes riveted on me, as if he wanted to say something
that. would knock down my wall of hostility, but I was reluctant to let
that wall down. Let him suffer, I'd think. Buffor him my mother wouldn't
have run away. She wouldn't have ended up in a mountain shack where
poverty killed her. Then, contrarily, I'd remember the sweet days in the
Willies when all five of the Casteel children and Logan Stonewall had
found a great deal of happiness just in being together.

One cold November day when the sky threatened another snowfall, a letter
arrived from Fanny.

Dear Heaven, Your selfishness forced me to marry with my 3 ry. Now I
don't need your rich old man, Mallo got a big house, stingy ole pin
money. Mallory's pretty as one in them fancy house magazines, and he's
got a mean cranky ole ma who'd like to see me dead. Not that I kerr.
efishface is about ready to kick off any day, so her not liking me don't
matter much no how. Mallory is trying to teach me to act like a lady, an
talk like one. I wouldn't waste my time with nothing so silly if one day
I didn't think I'd run into Logan Stonewall agin, an if I could talk and
act proper, maybe this time he'd love me.

Love me as I always wanted him to love me. An you can kiss him off as
gone ferever, once he's mine.

Your loving, caring sis er Fanny Fanny's letter disturbed me. Who would
have ever thought that Fanny, who had played the field far and wide, and
had treated all males more or less like machines whose buttons she knew
only too well how to push, would have fallen so for Logan, the very one
who scorned her most.

If Fanny wrote just one letter, Torn wrote many.

I found that roll of bills that you gave to Grandpa. Really, Heavenly,
where was your good sense? He had it shoved down in his whittling box,
underneath all the wood. He's a pitiful old geezer, always wanting what
he hasn't got, so that when he's here, he's yearning for the hills,
where Annie wants to be. And then when he's in the hills about two
weeks, he then wants to be with his "chiluns. " I think he gets lonely
there with only that old woman who comes in the Morning and fixes

to last the day. Gosh, Heavenly, what ith someone like that? t Troy,
Farthy became just a place to stay on said as little as I could to Tony,
and I felt sorry for him, prowling alone the halls of a huge house that
no longer with the laughter and gaiety of many house t I went on about
my business, reminding h day that I had come to Boston with a goal and
on that I concentrated, thinking so meat some point in time, I would find
the happiness t was due me.

years passed swiftly after that tragic day when ided it was better to
put miles and miles us. Only once in a great while did he write home,
and then it was always to Tony. Grief and unhappiness were mine for the
longest time, but when sun shines, and the wind blows, and the rain MOR
-M, freshens the grass, and you see the flowers you planted in the fall
coming up in the spring, bit by bit grief and, unhappiness slips away. I
had my dream now, my college days. The beautiful campus, the boys who
asked me for dates, all that helped. One very quiet, unassuming, but
nice-looking boy I took home for Tony to meet. Yes, the son of a state
senator was perfect, even if I did find him more than a bit boring. Once
or twice I saw Logan near the university, and he'd smile and say a few
words, and I'd smile and ask him if he'd heard from Tom, but Logan never
asked me for a date.

Feeling sorry for Jillian, I made a point of visiting  her as often as
my hectic routine allowed. I began to

call her Grandmother. She didn't seem to notice. That alone was enough
to tell me some drastic change had taken place within her. I brushed and
styled her hair, and did many small things for her that she also didn't
notice. And seated always in a far corner, as discreet as possible, was
the nurse that Tony had hired to see that Jillian did no harm to
herself.

During each of my summer breaks, Tony planned something special for us
to do together. London, Paris, and Rome, finally I had my chance to see
them. We traveled to Denmark, Iceland, and Finland so he could show me
the small Danish town that had been Jillian's mother's birthplace. Not
once did we ever make the journey to that Texas ranch where Jillian's
mother and two older sisters still lived. Often I had the feeling that
Tony was trying to make up for my deprived youth. I think both of us
kept up a constant hope of finding Troy during our European vacations.

Many a time I thought about visiting Grandpa, who had made several round
trips from Georgia to the Willies, but there was always the threat that
Pa would be with him, and I wasn't ready to face Pa. When I thought of
Stacie, I thought of that handsome little boy named Drake, and to him I
mailed all sorts of wonderful gifts. Each time Stacie wrote back in a
few days to thank me for remembering Drake, who thought he was very
lucky to receive toys all through the year, and not have to wait for
Christmas. "You could be a huge help to me at Tatterton Toys," said Tony
time and time again. "That is. if you've lost your ambition to become
another Miss Marianne Deale." He gazed at me steadily. "It would

for me if you had your sumame Xeigilly change to atterton." St how I
took that. I'd never been proud of yange >a Casteel. And yet it was as a
Casteel that I to return to Winnerrow with a college degree, to, them
that, at last, a scumbag Casteel was ignorant and stupid they had always
to end up  As I thought over Tony's proposition, I I didn't know now
exactly what I wanted for elf. I was changing, changing in all sorts of
subtle Mys.

I Tony was trying so hard to make up for the damage he'd done in the
past. Doing for me all the things I used to dream that Pa would do. Tony
made me the center of his life, gave me, all the attention, love, and
charm that I used to think Pa owed me. During one cruise to the
Caribbean, I relaxed enough to smile and ffirt with several good-looking
young men, and for a moment or so I didn't worry about Troy. Whatever
happened to him, it wasn't my fault, wasn't my fault at all.

But when I dreamed, I dreamed of Troy. Troy somewhere needing me, still
loving me, and tears would be on my face in the morning. When I could
put worries about Troy behind me, I found a certain kind of acceptance
about life, and how much you could do to control it. And then one
wonderful day, Tony delivered to me something totally unexpected, and
wonderful.

It happened on July the fourth. I had one more year to go in college.
"We're going to have a fabulous Poolside picnic, with weekend guests I
more than suspect you are going to enjoy very much." Tony's 3 smile was
very broad. "Jilfian seems a bit better, and she'll be there-and other
spe ci l guests as well."

Who are the special guests?"

You'll be pleased," he assured me, smiling his secret smile.

The flags came out, all the red, white, and blue party decorations.
Japanese lanterns were strung from tree to tree, from lamppost to
lamppost, additional servants were hired as waiters, and Tony, who could
not stand rock n' roll music, hired several Hawa an musicians to play in
the background.

Twenty or more guests were at the poolside when I came down from my
room, wearing a bright blue swimsuit that made me feel a bit embarrassed
because it had such high-cut legs. Over this I wore a short white eyelet
jacket. Some guests were already in the pool, others sunbathing, and all
were laughing, talking, having a wonderful time. A few swimmers had even
dared to brave the ocean's rough waves. I went first to Jillian to kiss
her cheek, and she smiled at me in a vague, disoriented way. "What are
we celebrating, Heave nT she asked, staring at old friends as if they
were strangers.

On another part of the spacious pool terrace, I spied Tony standing and
talking to a rather plump little woman, with an even plumper husband.
They were more than familiar to me, and my heart began a nervous
pounding. Oh, no, no! He couldn't have brought about this kind of
reconciliation without warning me in advance.

And yet he had. Here at Farthinggale Manor, where I could reach out and
touch them, if I wanted, were Rita and Lester Rawlings from Chevy Chase.
And if they were here

Mr. Tatterton here has made it all very clear. She paused to clasp her
plump, be ringed fingers together and catch her breath. "Lester and I
just didn't understand what happened to our two happy children after
that rainy Sunday afternoon. They changed as if by magic. That very
night their nightmares came back. They woke up screaming, calling for
Hev-lee, come back, come back! We didn't mean it, we didn't! It took
weeks and weeks before they would tell us what had happened-that they
had denied knowing you and had ordered you out or they would call the
police. Dear Heaven, it was cruel of them, but they were terrified of
having to return to that pain, poverty, and hunger that they remembered
only too well." All about me people were having a wonderful time, diving
in and out of the pool. Servants carried trays of food and drink from
here to there  and then I found my eyes meeting with those of the
loveliest teenage girl I'd ever seen. Our Jane stood about ten feet
away, her turquoise eyes fastened on me in the most pitiful, pleading
way. She was thirteen now, her small, hard, burgeoning breasts just
beginning to thrust forth her suit top. Her red gold, fiery hair flamed
about her small oval face, even as her darkly fringed eyes pleaded with
me for forgiveness. Close to her side was Keith, just a year older. He
had shot up inches taller, and his amber hair was deep and rich. But he
was staring too, and trembling. They were obviously afraid of me now,
not in the same way as when I'd approached them in their own home. Now
they seemed afraid that I'd hate them for denying me.

I didn't know what to say. I just held out my arms and smiled, and felt
my heart pounding like crazy, then watched them hesitate, glance at each
other

came running to hurl themselves into my ace.

Hev-lee, Flev-lee," cried Our Jane. "Please hate us for what we didl
We're sorry we drove We were sorry the minute we saw your face so sad
and disappointed." She pressed her face my chest and really began to
cry. "It wasn't we didn't want. It was going back to the cabin, the
hunger and the cold. We thought you would take us back to all that. And
we'd no longer have Mommy and Daddy, who love us so much." I
understand," I crooned, kissing her again and again before I turned to
hug Keith close, and that's when I really began to bawl. At last, at
last, I had my two little ones in my arms again. And they were looking
at me with love and adoration, just as they used to do.

The voices of Rita and Lester Rawlings drifted to me from where they
were sitting beneath one of our green-and-white-striped umbrellas, both
sipping cool drinks and telling Tony about the wonderfully compassionate letter that had come to them one day about two weeks ago. "It
Yas a letter from your brother Troy, Mr. Tatterton. He wanted to mend
some bridges, and when we finished reading his letter, we were both in
tears. He didn't tell us we had done a terrible thing, he just thanked
us for taking such good care of Heaven's younger brother and sister, for
she loved them very much. And we had to contact you, just had to, for it
was wrong of us to have tried to separate brothers and sisters, we know
that now. "Call me Tony," he said charmingly,\"since we are almost
family now."

'This letter from your brother made everything so clear, just what
Heaven's circumstances were."  Troy had done this for me! Troy was still
thinking of me, and doing what he could to give me happiness, and I had
to have his letter, just had to have it, even if it were but a
photocopy. "Of course, of course," agreed Rita Rawlings. "It was so
beautifully written I was going to keep it forever, but my dear, you can
have the original, and I'll keep the copy." In the ten days that the
Rawlingses stayed with us that summer, Jane who didn't want to be called
Our Jane anymore and Keith and I found each other again. They asked
questions about Tom and Fanny, and about Pa. They didn't seem to have
the resentments against Pa that I did. "And Mommy and Daddy said we
could visit you once or twice a year! Oh, Hev-lee, it's going to be so
wonderful. Maybe one day we can even see Tom, Fanny, Pa and Grandpa
again. But we don't want to leave Mommy and Daddy, not ever." All that
was easily arranged. Farthinggale Manor made its impression, as did
Tony-and if Jillian gave them a few weird thoughts they were much too
polite to express them. "We'll keep in touch," promised Rita Rawlings,
as Lester shook Tony's hand like they were the best of friends.
"Christmas would be a nice time to get together for we do want our
children to enjoy the pleasures of a large family." Yes, it was all
right for my brother and sister to know me now. I no longer lived in a
shack stuck high on a mountain hillside. I was no longer a starving,
bedraggled, object of their pity, though they didn't

il Tom, or Fanny, or Pa. Or Grandpa, as Jane and Keith had.

When Rita Rawlings kept her word and mailed me the letter that Troy had
written, making such a strong etd passionate appeal on my behalf, tears
poured my eyes. He loved me. He still loved me! He still fflought: about
me. Oh, Troy, Troy, come home, come home I Just live somewhere close by
and let me see you now and then-that will be enough, enough.

I dated, off and on, some young man that passed Tony's inspection. I
never found anyone as unique as TrOy nor anyone as loyal and devoted as
Logan. I had presume Logan had met someone else. Just as I ,-,-Would
have to  someday. And when I gave Logan Wig and considered thought. I
knew I wanted to see again and when I did, I'd have to make all the S to
patch up our relationship. rote often, telling me that the money I was
ad finally worn down his resistance, and he Aattending college courses
and still helping our Pa the day. "We're reaching our goals, Heavenly, e
everything, we're going to make it!"

Twenty-two Dreams Come True IN THE YEAR THAT I TURNED TWENTY-TWO, ON A
BEAUtiful day in late June when all the flowers were in bloom, I
received my degree. Both Tony and Jillian were there to represent me,
and though I searched the audience hoping to see Troy, he was not there.
All along I'd hoped and prayed that he'd be in the audience, applauding.
But I did see Jane and Keith sitting with their parents not far from
Jillian and Tony  but Tom wasn't there, nor was Fanny,'and I had mailed
them both invitations. "Be smart and do all that you can to keep Fanny
out of your life," Tom had warned in his last letter. "I'd come if I
could, really I would, but I'm snowed under trying to pass my own exams,
and I still have to help out Pa. Forgive me, and know that I am with you
in thoughts. " After the graduation party, we drove back to Farthinggale
Manor. Parked before the front door was a white Jaguar that Tony had
ordered customdesigned for me. "It's for that day when you drive

back to Winnerrow. If your clothes and jewelry don t impress them, this
car certainly should.',' It was a fabulous car, all my graduation gifts
were fabulous. But oddly, now that I was no longer a student, I had so
much time on my hands I didn't know what to do with myself. I had
reached my goal. I could become, if I so wished, another Miss Marianne
Deale. Now I wasn't sure that was what I wanted. A restlessness grew
within me that summer, a terrible itchiness that kept me awake at night,
and made me more than a little irritable. "Take a drive off on your
OWn," suggested Tony. "That's what I used to do when I was your age and
unable to find peace within myself." However, even a trip up the coast
to Maine, where I st d ten days in a fishing village, didn't put my
itchy feet at rest. There was something I had to do. Something important
I had to do.

This time, as I returned from my vacation and drove once again under the
ornate gates of Farthinggale Manor, I came again as a stranger, with new
eyes, to that long, curving road that led to that huge house of
enchantment.

It was just the same. Just as impressive, frightening, and beautiful.
And I could have been sixteen again for all the changes I saw. For some
intuition was whispering loudly that Troy might be here. Tony had said
he couldn't stay away forever.

My heartbeats quickened; my soul seemed to wake up and stretch before it
took a deep breath and reached again for the love it had found in this
house. I could almost see Troy, feel Troy, sense Troy somewhere near.
For long moments I just sat and inhaled th special, flower-scented air
of Farthinggale Manor,

before I stepped out and approached the high stone portico.

Curtis responded to my impatient jabbing at the doorbell,, smiling
warmly when he saw who it was. "It's so good to see you again, Miss
Heaven," he said in his low, cultivated voice. "Mr. Tatterton is
strolling on the beach, but your grandmother is in her suite." Jillian
was shut away in her rooms in that glorious mansion that had again
retreated into silence almost as deep and thick as a grave.

She sat as I'd seen her sit many times before when she was less than
happy with herself, cross-legged on her ivory sofa, wearing another of
those loose-fitting ivory floats that was trimmed this time with peach
lace.

The sound of the door opening and closing as I entered made soft
clicking noises that seemed to wake her from some deep meditation. The
spread of solitaire cards on the coffee table before her was precise,
even, the cards in her hands held loosely, forgotten. Her unfocused blue
eyes turned to gaze at me almost sightlessly. As Jillian stared at me,
almost with fright, I tried to smile. If my appearance had-shocked her,
hers shocked me even more.

Her complexion now was cracked porcelain, unhealthily white. And as
she stared at me, I was appalled at the disorientation in her eyes, at
the way she wrung her pale hands, at the way her hair hung about her
face, unclean and uncared for.

Only as I turned away so she wouldn't see my distress did I see sitting
in a distant corner, quietly making lace, a woman in a nurse's white
uniform. She looked up to smile my way. "My name is Martha Goodman," she
informed me. "I am very happy to

you, Miss Casteel. Mr. Tatterton told me that you were due back any
day."

Where is Mr. TattertonT' I asked, directing my question to her.

I "Why. he's off prowling on the seashore," she answered in a very thin,
small voice, as if she didn't want Jillian's attention drawn to her
presence in the room. She stood up to point the direction, and I turned
to leave.

I Jillian jumped to her bare feet and began to twirl around and around,
making the wide skirt of her garment flare out. "Leigh," she called in a
lilting, childish voice,\"say hello to Cleave for me when you see him
next! Tell him sometimes I am almost sorry I left him for Tony. Tony
doesn't love me. Nobody hag ever loved me, not ever enough. Not even
you. You love Cleave better, you always have  but I don't care. I really
don't care. You are so very much like him,, nothing at all like me
except in appearance. Leigh, why do you st Lre at me like that? Why is
it you always have to take everything so damned seriouslyP' MY breasts
rose and fell in heavy gasps. I backed out of the room; her insane
laughter followed, shivering the air. When finally I reached the door, I
couldn't resist taking one more glance at her; I saw her framed before
her arching bay windows, the sunlight pouring through her hair,
silhouetting her slender form through the transparent film of her long,
loose dress. She was old, and paradoxically she was young; she was
beautiful and she was grotesque; but more than anything, she was insane,
and she was pitiful.

And I walked away knowing I intended never to see her again.

 3 On the rocky shore of the beach I strolled where Troy had never
wanted to walk at my side, so afraid he'd been of the sea and its
portent. There were rocks and huge boulders feet higher than I was, and
walking here wasn't easy. At that time , too, had been terrified of the
sea with its relentlessly pounding surf, its towering high waves that
crashed on the shore and made of human time but a pinch of sand.

Bits of gravel slipped into my shoes, and soon I took them off and ran
to catch up with Tony. I planned to stay only an hour or so. For I had a
destination in mind now.

Rounding a curve in the beach, I came upon him suddenly. He was standing
on a high pile of boulders, staring out over the sea, and it was with
some difficulty that I climbed to stand beside him. I told him what I
planned to do. "SO you will return to Winnerrow," he said dully, without
turning his head. "I have always known you would go back to those
godforsaken mountains that you should hate so much you should never want
to see again."

They are part of me," I replied, brushing dirt from my feet and legs. "I
always intended to go back and teach there, in the same school where
Miss Deale used to teach Tom and me. There aren't many teachers who want
that poverty area, so they'll take me, and I'll have my chance to carry
on the tradition started by Miss Deale. My grandpa Toby is expecting me
to stay with him while I teach. And if you still want to see me, I'll
spend some time here with you. But I don't want to see Jillian again,
ever again."

Heaven," Tony began, and then he stopped and just stared at me with so
much pain in his eyes. I tried

to deny the twinge of pity I felt when I noticed the hollows under his
eyes, and the dark shadows. He was thinner, less than elegantly dressed.
His trousers, which had been so sharply creased before, had no creases
at all. It was obvious the best years of Townsend Anthony Tatterton were
behind him now.

He sighed before he asked,\"You didn't read about it in the newspapers?"

Read about what?" He sighed deep and long, still staring out to sea.

 As you know, Troy has been flitting about the world. Last week, he came
home. He seemed to know you ere gone." My heart jumped. "He's here? Troy
is here?" I was going to see him again! Troy, oh TroyV Tony smiled
crookedly. The, kind of smile that twisted my heart and made it hurt.
His shoulders hunched to shorten his neck, and still he stared out to
sea, forcing me to glance that way to find what his eyes kept watching.
And with some difficulty I saw a wreath of flowers bouncing on the waves
far out in the ocean. Golden glints of sunlight on the deep sapphire
water made it exceedingly beautiful. The flower wreath was just a tiny,
bright speck. Again my heartbeats quickened. The sea, always the sea had
chased Troy. A sudden weight formed in my chest.

Tony sighed with the cool wind that blew always from the ocean. "Troy
returned home very depressed. He was happy to hear that you and Jane and
Keith had been reunited. But he was approaching his twenty-eighth
birthday. Birthdays always depressed him. He believed, sincerely
believed, that thirty was his cut-off day. I hope it's not a painful
illness,' he

said a few times, as if that disturbed him more than anything. It's not
that I'M afraid to die, it's only the road to death that terrifies me,
for sometimes it can be so drawn out.' You have two more years, I kept
reminding him, if your precognition is true. If it is not, you have
fifty, sixty, or seventy. He'd look at me as if r t to see him I knew
nothing. I stayed close by jus through, fearing something would happen.
We used to sit in his rooms and talk about you, and how strong you were
when you cared for your brothers and sisters after your stepmother and
your  your father went away. He told me that during the past semester he
used to visit your college and hide on the campus just so he could see
you.

Again his eyes swiveled to the sea. And by this time the wreath had
disappeared, and I was scared, so terribly scared. "I'm telling my story
knowing you still love him. Please indulge me, Heaven. To take Troy's
mind off that dreaded birthday, I planned a party to last over the
weekend. I made everyone promise not to leave him alone for one second.
There was a girl there that he had dated once or twice. She'd been
married and was divorced. The kind of laughing, bright, and breezy girl
I thought would lift his spirits, and perhaps help him to stop thinking
about you. She had all kinds of tall tales to tell, about the
celebrities she'd met, and the clothes she'd bought, and the huge
mansion she was going to build on her own South Sea island    if only
she had the right man to live with her. And she looked at Troy then. He
didn't seem to see or hear her. No woman likes to be ignored like that,
and that's when her humor ended. She became derisive, ugly

Finally Troy could bear no more of her taunts, and he jumped up, and
left the house. I saw him head toward the stables. I didn't want him to
go there, and if this idiot girl had n't raced to follow me outside, I
have caught up with him in plenty of time to ent what he did. But she
seized my hand and she me about being my brother's keeper. "And when I
finally got away, Troy had saddled Abdulla Bar, according to a stable
boy, and on horseback Troy raced through the maze, over an dover through
the maze. It was not a place that a sensitive horse liked and soon he
leaped the last hedge hurdle, driven insane by the twists and turns of
the maze he'd never been in before-and the horse headed for the shore!"
Abdulla Bar  I repeated, the name almost gotten by this time.

Jill's favorite stallion. The one nobody but could ride. I saddled my
own horse and rode to ch up with him, but the wind here on the shore was
Ahead of me about a hundred feet, a sheet of WE h paper flew into
Abdulla Bar's face. He reared whinnied as if terrified, and he whirled
about and straight into the ocean! It was crazy to sit on my rse, who
refused to run into the wind, and watch brother fight to bring that
crazy horse back to r I The sun was red and low on the horizon behind e.

and the sea turned to blood  and then both 'horse and rider
disappeared." My hands fluttered to my forehead and hovered re. "Troy?
Oh no, Tony!" We called the Coast Guard. All the men at the rty put out
in the boats I have, and we searched for

him. Abdulla Bar swam back to shore with an empty saddle, and then,
toward dawn, Troy's body was found. He had drowned

No! No! It couldn't be true. He went on, wrapping my shoulders with his
arm and pulling me against his side. "I tried desperately to find where
you were staying in Maine, but I never was able to. Every day I have
held my own small memorial service for him, waiting for you to return,
and say your own goodbyes." I thought I had cried all the tears I could
cry for the love I'd had for Troy. Yet, as I stood there and gazed out
to sea, I knew that throughout my life I would cry many more tears for
him.

Time passed as I stood with Tony and waited for that floating wreath to
reappear. Oh, Troy, years we could have had together! Almost four years
that would have given you a fair share of life, and love, and normalcy,
and maybe then you would have loved life enough to have stayed I was
numb now, blind with tears I didn't want to share with Tony. On the walk
back to the mansion I said goodbye to Tony quickly, though he clung to
both of my hands and tried to force from me the promise that I'd return
again. Tlease, Heaven, please! You're my daughter, my only heir. Troy is
dead. I need an heir to give purpose and meaning to my life! What good
is all of this that we have accumulated through the centuries if our
line ends now? Don't go! Troy would want you to stay! Everything that he
was is here in this house and in his cottage that he left to you. He
loved you  please, don't leave me here alone with Jill. Please stay,
Heaven, please, for my sake and for Troy's! All that

u see around you will be yours. It's your legacy. Take it if for no
better reason than you can pass it down to your children." I tugged my
hands away. "Why you can go any-where you want without Jillian," I said
ruthlessly, StlepPM into my fine car. "You can hire help to take care of
her, and not come back until she is dead. You don't need me, and I don't
need you, or the.Tatterton money. You have now exactly what you
deserve nothing The wind fanned my hair. He stood and watched me drive
away, the saddest-looking man I'd ever seen. But I didn't care. Troy was
dead and I had graduated from college, and life would go on, despite
Tony, who needed me now, and Jillian, who had never needed anything but
youth and beauty.

 
Twenty-three Revenge I WAS GOING BACK HOME, BACK TO WINNER ROw AT last
it was time for me to put the past to rest, and to become that person I
always wanted to be. For I knew now that our childhood dreams are often
the most pure ones; I wanted more than anything to follow in Miss
Marianne Deale's footsteps, to be the kind of teacher who could give a
child like me a chance in life, who could open up the world of books and
knowledge that provided a way out of the narrowness and ignorance of the
hills. And it was not really hard to risk my Tatterton legacym--for I
was no longer a scumbag Casteel, cowering on the fringes of society. No,
I was a Tatterton, a VanVoreen, and even if I planned never to tell
anyone in my family the truth of my parentage, still, I was now ready to
confront the man whose love I had needed so desperately as a child, who
had denied me so relentlessly and brutally. For I didn't need him at all
now. And I wanted him, and only him, to know just who I was.

 
It took me three days to drive to Winnerrow, and on the way I stopped in
New York City, at one of the best hairdressers, and did something I'd
wanted to do for years. All my life I'd wanted my mother's silvery blond
hair color. All my life I'd been the dark angel, betrayed by what I had
thought was my Indian Casteel hair. Now I would be the true, bright,
shining angel, the rich girl from Boston who no one ever looked down on.
I emerged from that salon a different woman-a woman with shining,
silvery blond hair. No, I wasn't a Casteel anymore. I was my mother's
true daughter. And I knew that to at least one man I would no longer
appear to be the Heaven Leigh Casteel he hated-no, he would see how much
like Leigh I was, he would finally understand how much he loved me. I
would be a Heaven Leigh he loved-for at last he would see in me his
beloved Angel.

Grandpa almost didn't know who I was when I first k ,,"t,nved at the new
cabin in the woods. He seemed OR afraid when he first saw me, as if a
ghost had come back from the dead. It was then I realized if he ever
really did catch si lit of his "Annie" probably have a heart attack.
"Grandpa," I said, > ggIng his frightened, rigid body,\"It's me, Heaven.
you like my hair?" Oh, Heaven child, I thought ya was a ghost!" he a
mighty sigh of relief. And when I told him I coming to live with him he
was overjoyed. "Oh, ven chile, ever' body comin' home at once. Ya w
Luke's circus is comin' to town next week. All Casteels comin' back to
Winnerrow. Ain't it nd thor so, I wasn't the only Casteel come back to
show

who I was now. Now I could get on with my plans much sooner than I
expected. Now I knew just what had to do.

The circus was all that people in Winnerrow talked about. They stood on
street corners, and in the pharmacy, and in the beauty shop and barber
shops and cluttered the one and only supermarket with their many
speculations on whether or not it was "Godly" to attend a circus where
so many performers wore so few clothes. Everyone was so busy with the
circus, they barely had time to gossip about me and my white Jaguar
driving through town.

I was busy that week before the circus was due to arrive-busy making the
cabin as cozy and pretty as possible, busy washing an old dress that had
to be carefully bleached so it would turn truly white'. Then the dress
had to be ironed, and I'd had no experience ever with handling an iron,
even the best new one that money could buy. It just so happened that the
day I was setting up the contraption called an ironing board, Logan
dropped by to bring Grandpa his weekly supply of medications. He sucked
in his breath when he saw me. "Oh," he said, looking uncomfortable,\"I
almost didn't know who you were."

You don't like it?" I asked lightly, determined to keep my distance.
"You look beautiful, but you looked even more beautiful with your own
dark hair."

Of course you'd say that. You like everything as God gave it to us. But
I know nature can be improved upon."

Are we going to start off again fighting, an dover such a silly thing as
the color of your hair? I quite honestly don't care what you do to your
hair."

I didn't think you really did.', He set down his bundle on the middle of
the kitchen table, and looked around. "Where is your grandfather?"

He's down the hill, bragging about Pa and his Orcus. Why, you'd think Pa
had become the president of the United States from the way he's carrying
on." Uneasily Logan stood in the center of the kitchen, looking around,
obviously not wanting to leave yet. "I like what you've done to this
cabin. It seems so cozy."

Thank you."

Are you going to be staying awhile?"

Maybe. I'm not sure yet. I've filed my application at the Winnerrow's
school board, but so far I haven't heard a thing." I began to try and
iron my dress. "You didn't marry -Troy Tatterton, why not?"

It's not really any of your business, is it Lo ganT "I think it is. I've
known you for many years. I took of you when you were sick. I loved you
for a long I think that gives me a few rights." It was several minutes
before I could say thinly, tears in my voice,\"Troy died in an accident.
He a very wonderful man who had too many tr ageing his life. I could cry
for all he should have had, didn't.

at is it the super-wealthy can't buy?" he asked, certain mocking tone in
his voice, and I whirled , Q confront him, still holding my iron in my
hand.

- , You're thinking as I used to think, that money can everything, but
it doesn't and never will." I tttrncd and began to iron again. "Will you
please now, Logan? I have a thousand things to do. Tom I be staying here
with us, and I want the house to 3 ake it be perfect in time for his
have to m feel like home.

For the longest time he stood behind me, so close he could have leaned
forward and kissed my neck, yet he didn't. I felt his presence,, almost
as if he were touching me. "Heaven, are you going to find time in your
busy schedule to fit me in?"

Why should  I hear you are as good as engaged to Maisie Setterton."

Everyone is telling me that Cal Dennison returned to Winnerrow just to
see you!" Again I whirled around. "Why are you so eager to believe
anything you hear? If Cal Dennison is in town, he's made no effort to
contact me, and I hope never to see him again." Suddenly he smiled. His
sapphire eyes lit up and made him seem a boy again, the boy who used to
love me. "Well, it's nice seeing you again, Heaven. And I'll get used to
your blond hair, if you decide to keep it that way." And then he was
turning and walking out the back door, leaving me staring after him, and
wondering, wondering.

As the day of the circus dawned, Grandpa was so eager to see his
youngest son and Tom that he was almost hopping with excitement as I
tried to knot the first tie he'd ever worn. He grouched and complained
and said I was worse than Stacie, who was always trying to make him look
like what he wasn't. "Ya kin't do it, Heaven chile. New clothes won't do
it  jus' get ya gone. I kin brush my own hair!" It was my intention to
make him look like a gentleman as much as possible and to show all those
pseudo-snobs in Winnerrow that even Casteels could change. Grandpa was
wearing, also, the first real suit

we'll have to begin again from the beginning-and that means the
bathtub." He shuffted away, mumbling to himself about the number of
baths taken in this house, and all that water wasted.

That night I wore a thin, blue summer dress and matching blue sandals.
was saving my white dress for the second night, when the circus
performers would be more at ease and perhaps able to pay more notice to
the audience. The first night all the Casteels would display themselves
to Winnerrow. The next night I would show my true self to Pa. My jewelry
was real, and I knew I was a fool for wearing it to any circus, but I
figured nobody would know it from costume junk, unless they too owned
the real thing.

When finally I showed up on the front porch, ready to go, Grandpa was
having a terrible time keeping Annie from getting nervous. "She looks
pretty, don't she, Annie," he said, looking pleased even as he looked
troubled whenever my fair hair drew his attention.

After we had Granny "dressed to kill" I still wanted Grandpa to sit up
front with me, so I could show him off to all the snobs in Winnerrow who
thought Casteel men didn't know how to look like gentlemen. "But I don't
wanna leave my Annie sittin' back there alone," he complained. "She
wants to lie down and rest, Grandpa, and there isn't room for her to do
that unless you move up here beside me." Once I had him persuaded it was
his duty to let her rest when she wanted to, he moved to sit beside me.

And that's when a big, happy grin broke out on his

on a platform and spiel out his talk. As Grandpa and I strolled in,
heads turned to stare, and I overheard their whispers. "That's Toby
Casteel, Luke's father." Grandpa and I had hardly had time to adjust to
having so many eyes stare at us, when a slender woman wearing bright red
came up from behind, yelling like a bull moose all the way. "Stop! Wait
up! It's meyer si sta FannyP' And before I had the time to brace
myself, Fanny hurled herself into my arms with her overly enthusiastic
greeting. "Oh holy Jesus Christ on the cross, Heaven," she screeched
loud enough for a dozen people to turn around and stare,\"ya sure do
look good!" Fanny hugged me several times before she embraced Grandpa.
"Why Grandpa, neva saw ya lookin' so citified before! Why I hardly know
ya, when ya usually look so old and crummy." That's the kind of
compliments Fanny always knew how to give. Double-edged ones. Her red
dress had large white polka dots. It fitted so tight it seemed painted
on. Gold bracelets laddered up both of her tanned arms. Her black hair
was parted in the middle and caught behind both her ears with large
white silk flowers. She looked, indeed, like a fine exotic cat wearing
the wrong colors.

Fanny stood back to stare at me. Her dark eyes gone frightened-looking.
"Ya scare me, ya really do. Ya don't look like yerself no more. I bet ya
look just like yer dead ma. Don't it frighten ya some t'look like
somebody dead an' buried?"

No, Fanny. It makes me feel good to look like my mother. "

"Neva could understand ya, neva could," she mumbled, then grinned shyly.
"Don't hold no grudges,

I sauntered around, looK...- er est photographs hung on her walls. i -ied
to see Fanny at some beach with Cal Dennisont When my eyes swung to
confront hers, she smiled wickedly. "Jeal- 3 his mine now, anytime I want
him, an Icept when he s around his parent sil oad, ine at all. Sooner or
later , I brush time Ot no SP hen he bores me one too many d, and
tionally tired. I wi she is time I was excel t let Fanny persuade fIrst
tilne, that I had the io come here. to go, and that's when I found
yawning, I stood up Fanny had returned to the ut the real reason why ie
every once in a while, Willies to live. q see Ways our conversation. "He
she unexpectedly threw into d let him Said he'd be more than
appreciative if fen come fer visits once a Week or so. An, hes gonna see
me. I've already seen her bring MY lil Dar eY t'  y. of course sooner or
later twice. A she S so prett jus, what's in y in Winnerrow will find
out ge. ole lady everybod I that's when , I have ray rev en on  an ry
through many a night, many a wise is gonna C flight." I felt an
overwhelming dislike Not for the first time dn't want Waysie. for Fanny
flood through me. She di just wanted re- didn't really want DarCY. She
She slapping some sense into her. But veni ge I felt like - - her
balance, I fell when she lost Fanny was so drunk she r house, she was
screaming and when I strode out I he d done to rob her that she'd get
even with me for all ge twenty, Once of self-esteem. And there she was
at a because no married and once divorced, hating me man had ever loved
her enough  not even her own in common.

I guess Fanny and I had that the very next compulsion, ught in some deep
£ this time dressed in A ain to the circus, I went ag 3  It I.A ell
nt-deC od ,p l k the filmy white dress carefully. This tiwr and Fanny.
OP, crowd that Luke Caste ker. Only ton Q pretty young wi , ing her
hands wh es out his long in trod flaw. So why was shand powerful man, ra
the women and girls sto some threw flowers and Tom, who had aspired to
duced to a frolicking clown al what he wanted, despite what I thought of
Our Jane and Ke had been made into what she was a molded by fate into
what I was. And good Reverend Wayland Wise came into my brain: "You
carry with you the s own destruction, and the destruction of ev loves
you  an idealist of the most fatal k, romantic idealist  born to
destroy an' destructP' As my own mother had! Doomed, I felt doomed. Just
as Troy had felt. Over an dover again the good Reverend's words played
in my brain, until I felt my planned confrontation with Pa was stupid
and wrong and would only end s f e v UP hurting me. Quickly I stood and
blindly made my way out of the stands. It didn't matter that people
yelled at me to sit down and stop blocking their view.

I had to get away. it didn't matter that the lions were 3 - it A,. v St.
I ->

 
 
 c

 I Joye to ---s , Vt. t, fa, before I of

and pa was snug Gr C , g to draw his attentio e' stume and greasepaInt
town co

 d hiss, Ce., to snatch at MY arms an

ase, please! He's taking j ning to Pa, ple tonight cause he place for
the' first time t distract Pa. drunk. please, Heaven, don A UP say
anything. Or do anything. But I didn't have to Pa had seen me. Me, with
the lights overhead shining down on MY aring the very dress my mother
silvery blond hair we on st time he3d seen her standing had worn the fir
ive and frail old white Peach tree Street-the ex pens t. The dress dress
with ful fluttery sleeves and skir at I had carefully washed and ironed,
and lightlY th ettiest dress in my summer wardrobe. starched. The pr ght
for the first time. Pa And I had to wear it  tom yes wide. Step by was
staring at me, frozen, his dark c from the lion step he was advancing
toward meg away cage and the tamer who needed his attention.

Something happened then that took me by total 3 surprise. Into Pa's
stunned and astonished eyes jumped a shot of pure exhilarated,
disbelieving joy. My heart raced in painful response. As I stood there
undecided as to what to do, I felt the full, long, white sleeves of my
summer dress fluttering upward, caught in some errant evening, breeze
that blew through the tent opening.

At last, at last, Pa was glad to see me! It was in his eyes! At last he
was going to say he loved me.

"Angel!" he cried.

He stepped toward me, arms outstretched; his rifle slipped from his
fingers, and the pistol he'd pulled from its sheath fell silently into
the sawdust.

Her! It was still my mother he was seeingI As it would always be her he
saw, never me, never me! I turned and ran. Breathless and crying, I
paused just outside the main arena. Behind me the tumult began. The
screams! The roars! The cries of people gone crazy! Trained animals gone
wild! Now I was frozen. I heard the shots. and half turned. My hands
fluttered to my forehead and pressed there. "What's happened?" I asked
two men running out of the tent. "The cats have the tamer down on his
back and are mauling him. Casteel's attention was averted and they were
safe enough t'make their move. Then that stupid clown with the red hair
picks up the rifle, pockets the pistol, and enters the cage himself."
Oh, my God, Tom. Tom! The frantic man shoved me out of the way and ran
on.

 Heaven, please. Let's be friends. Let's an' watch lab Pa, an' ferget
Cpast." yes, I thought I could do that tonight, for Grandpa, for Ton,
whom we would meet later. TOMOrrOw and night, the past would rise again.

---Got rid of ole Mallory, I did. Second I knew he married me only so
I'd become his brood in are J ya imagine that man brushed him off, fast,
fast. Kin thinkin, I'd have his baby, when I already got One? told him
straight out I weren't gonna ruin my figure so when he kicked t'bucket,
I couldn't get no young fella. An' ya know what it made him mad. He
asked me married me for but Chave his what Chell did I think he babies
Lordy, he's, already got three grown ones. I sly smile. ---Thank ya fer
tryin' Cbily She threw me a couldn't do it. They my baby back that time
- Knew ya fer all Cmoney wouldn't sell my beautiful Darcy t Tattertons
got stashed in their vaults." I sighed for having played her fool.
Nothing the Reverend Wayland Wise had said to me about myself had made
me feel good. I was only too afraid he was right. e to time as we made
our way toward the From tim rand pa before she center tent, Fanny turned
to hug G le Mallory pays lavished me with more affection. ain,t no fun
tlhave me a pretty alimony, but heck, it money if ya don't make nobody
jealous. Heaven, let's ya an' me show these hick dummies jus' what money
kin do. I got me a nice big house on one hill ova there," she said,
pointing,\"an ya build on Votha side of Vvalley across from where I'm
buildin'. Then we kin holler an' yahoo Veach other when Vwind is
right."

surprise. Into Pa's stunned and astonished eyes jumped a shot of pure
exhilarated, disbelieving joy. My heart raced in painful response. As I
stood there. undecided as to what to do, I felt the full, long, white
sleeves of my sunimer dress fluttering upward, caught in some errant
evening breeze that blew through the tent opening.

At last, at last, Pa was glad to see me! It was in his eyes! At last he
was going to say he loved me.

"Angel!" he cried.

He stepped toward me, arms outstretched; his rifle slipped from his
fingers, and the pistol he'd pulled from its sheath fell silently into
the sawdust.

Her! it was still my mother he was seeing! As it would always be her he
saw, never me, never me! I turned and ran.

Breathless and crying, I paused just outside the main arena. Behind me
the tumult began. The screams! The roars! The cries of people gone
crazy! Trained animals gone wild! Now I was frozen. I heard the shots
and half turned. My hands fluttered to my forehead and pressed there.
"What's happen edT I asked two men running out of the tent. "The cats
have the tamer down on his back and are mauling him. Casteel's attention
was averted and they were safe enough Cmake their move. Then that stupid
clown with the red hair picks up the rifle, pockets the pistol, and
enters the cage himself." Oh, my God, Tom, Tomf The frantic man shoved
me out of the way and ran on.

one else picked up the story. "All those crazy piled up on the lion
tamer, and Luke's son ran their than any man I ever knew, straight into
the' trying to save his friend's life. Then Lt Ike saw ning and he went
in to save his son. -was hap pe knows if anyone will come Out Of this
Ove. h, my God-my fault, my faultl clidn't care about Pa, of course I
didn t. Pa rved anything he got. made me run faster than t caring about
Ton' c-ver run before, tears streaking my face. terrible infection set
into the deep claw wounds a's back. Two days passed while I  ay I the
bed irandpa's log cabin, forcing myself to believe that inan in the
hospital trying to hold on to his life ved what he'd gotten, had asked
for it long ago he decided he had to join the circus life st as Fanny in
her new house was ttiog herself r a day of reckoning with the town folY
who had s despised her; for you couldn't go through life me day brin  ng
out right and left without so your own house, of cards. Pa. he'd k, -
h.AA been mauled much woise that isto, thrust in his first in the cage
with only a F pants, and a rifle that he'd maaaged to fire o a cat
reached out with a mighty Paw anded the gun from his hands. And Pa Llai
rushed in e the rifle and kill two of the cats, but not be tore mauled
considerably. ho died, not the worst of it was, it was Tom eels. Tom TOM
Tom, Tom the best of all the Cast had loved me. Tom who had been lpy
com pan my other half. Tom who lhad given me the 3 courage I needed to
persevere and to wait for the day when Pa accepted me as his daughter.

The newspapers made Tom into a hero. They spread his smiling photograph
from coast to coast, and the life story that had been Tom's was told for
all to read, and somehow, they made it seem brave, not pathetic.

Only when I knew that Pa would live did I have the courage to break the
news to Grandpa about what had happened to Tom. Grandpa couldn't read
newspapers, and Grandpa didn't like colorful news broadcasts when he
could listen all day to weather reports on the radio while he whittled.
His knobby old hands paused, then loosened their grip on the tiny
elephant he. was, carving to complete the jungle chess set he'd started
long ago at Logan's request.

My Luke is gonna live, ain't he, Heaven girl?" he when I finished.
"We,kin't let Annie suffa the hospital, Grandpa; he's off the critical
can g -, to see him." t WI me, Heaven ihilo d ya, that Tom is kaint die
when he's only twenty-one  d have much luck in keepin' my boys id In c
hospital I allowed Grandpa to go alone into room where Pa lay completely
swathed in om head to foot, peering through one tiny I went to lean
against a wall. I cried, things that could have turned out It so alone,
so terribly alone. Who tiow, who? And almost as if God heard,' r
Heaven," said Logan, striding W-M P- beside him. What's done t M pa
stumbling and -,Ye, can t undo it it-:gLnny didn't even show up at Tom's
funOtli,\" -I  M, pull me i d, glad that he could easily Al Meace and
forgive me for so much.

"' yhat does it matter what Fanny does or doesn't do AU he asked,
tilting my teary face upward and AF M g gravely down into my eyes.
Yeren't we -.I Mys happiest when Fanny was out of sight?" he stood there
in the bright sunlight, how I  3; iltive and caring he appeared, like
Troy in some I bowed my head against his chest and tried to.

,Stup MY tears, and then we were walkin all three of R rd the car.

TT-WIER; wrongwhon you said I didn't need,vooi" when'. we were halfway
home..

le leay the songs of tho k - the wildflowers, that scented the air' pc
me did more to heal. me. than any Everywhere I looked I saw the green of
TO MIlt and when I faltered in decisions, I heard' bk my mind,
encouraging me to go on, to M. to leave the hills and the valley as soc
as , was gone.

c laid my grandpa to rest on the sixteenth day Of obe r, laid him to
rest beside his beloved We We stood all in a single row-the Casteels,'
it, Drake, Fanny, and every resident who lived in It had been Tom's
bravery, and not My or, my education or my clothes and new m ttad won
their respect.

and cried just as if Grandpa had my head flesh. And before we w ked,,
flesh of my gravesite, pa reached out and took MY: things, he said sorry
for a lot to hear from,h i ed voice I'd never expect U great success
and happiness in whatever to do. And I hope more than anything, you'll
show UP at our place. now and then now could I stare at the man rd on y
d hate forever and not feel anything. know what to say. I could only
nod.

huge house. another father waited for turn. I knew as I stood on the
hillside and und that someday I'd go back to Farthingr, and by that time
I would be neither a a Tatterton.

from the soft way, Logan was looking. at: he'd go with me, and I'd know
for wall.