As a pleasant change from the normal straightforward narrative, here are thirteen communications regarding the hiring of a house robot which have more to say than most stories do.
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15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath, Somerset.
30th August, 1979
Rentarobot Ltd.,
London, W.15.
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for your prompt and efficient service. The robot you supplied to take care of my house and garden while I was away on holiday on the continent proved (if you will excuse the term) a model of perfection. It did all the jobs required, cleaning the house, mowing the lawns and generally keeping up the appearance that the property was occupied, as recommended by the police in their Crime Prevention Manual.
Also I must congratulate you on achieving a perfect likeness to myself after only two sittings.
I have set the homing device in motion and trust that you receive the robot safely, and I shall be pleased if the invoice for the fee outstanding is sent as soon as possible.
Yours faithfully,
Arthur Willis
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Rentarobot Ltd.,
London, W.15.
10th September, 1979
Arthur Willis, Esq.,
15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath, Somerset.
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your communication dated 30th August, 1979. We are pleased that you were satisfied with our service and I have passed your complimentary remarks about the resemblance of Model RR/1307 to yourself on to the technician concerned with its manufacture.
The slight delay in sending the enclosed invoice was caused by the time-lag between the machine’s departure from your house and its subsequent arrival at our establishment. A small retardation of the homing mechanism may have been responsible, otherwise it is in perfect working order.
We shall be pleased to receive your remittance in due course and look forward to your custom again in the future.
Yours faithfully,
P. Crane
(Dispatch Officer)
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Bright, Bright & Purvis,
5A Town Square Chambers, Bath.
10th September, 1979
Arthur Willis, Esq.,
15 Slimbridge Gardens, Bath.
Dear Sir,
On the instructions of my client Mr. Robert Stagg of 17 Slimbridge Gardens I am writing to you concerning certain incidents alleged to have occurred during the month of August and in the first week of September this year.
I refer to the fact that you appear during this time to have spent much of your time, while presumably your wife was on holiday, in watching the every movement of my client’s wife, until she was reduced in the end (after giving you the benefit of every doubt) to such a state of nerves that she was afraid to venture outside the door or indeed to leave the curtains pulled open.
Since the end of your wife’s holiday and your return to work there seems to have been almost an end to the constant surveillance except for three evenings when she saw you watching from the cover of the small shrubbery in your garden.
This has been a great shock for Mr. and Mrs. Stagg who, although not well acquainted with you socially, had a great respect for you. I trust that my client will have no more cause for complaint and I shall be pleased to forward an explanation and apology for your behaviour to him should you not wish to do so personally. He hopes that you take the latter course.
Yours faithfully
Alexander Bright
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15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath, Somerset.
11th September, 1979
Rentarobot Ltd.,
London, W.15.
Dear Sir,
I hope that the robot I hired from you has returned. However, this letter is about a much more serious matter than its delay.
Enclosed is a copy of a letter I received today. You will note that the complaints referred to coincide with the presence here of your robot and my neighbour has assumed it to be me.
While this may be a compliment to your modellers it has, you will appreciate, put me in an acutely embarrassing position. I shall be pleased if you will send a letter confirming that you supplied me with the robot and explaining the purpose of your organization so that I may take it with me when I go to see Mr. Stagg.
Yours faithfully,
Arthur Willis
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Rentarobot Ltd.,
London, W.15.
13th September, 1979
Arthur Willis, Esq.,
15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath.
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter received today. May I say how well I realize your difficulty. However, as you are aware, our service is confidential and available (and indeed only made known) to selected clients. Since Mr. Stagg is not yet on the Approved List I am obliged to refuse your request and suggest that a verbal explanation should be satisfactory.
Yours faithfully,
P. Crane
(Dispatch Officer)
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15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath, Somerset. .
16th September, 1979
Managing Director,
Rentarobot Ltd.
Dear Sir,
Further to my letter of a few days ago and the solicitor’s attached (which I trust you still retain) may I say that the interview between myself and Mr. Stagg was far from successful. In fact Mr. Stagg, normally a quietly-spoken, mild-tempered man, became extremely abusive and dismissed my explanation as a “load of old excreta” and absolutely refused to believe that a service such as yours exists.
Now that the matter has reached boiling point it is certain that even a letter of explanation will no longer suffice and I shall be pleased if you will dispatch the robot back to me to prove my point. I shall of course pay the necessary expenses and shall ensure the utmost secrecy.
Yours faithfully,
Arthur Willis
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Rentarobot ltd. Internal Memo. Date: 18/9/79 URGENT
From: Managing Director. To: Deep-freeze stores.
Please check that Model RR/1307 is in full working order and dispatch immediately to:
A. Willis, Esq.,
15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath,
Somerset.
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15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath, Somerset.
21st September, 1979
Managing Director,
Rentarobot Ltd.
Dear Sir,
You will be pleased to hear that the operation was carried out successfully. The look on my neighbour’s face when confronted by myself and your robot had to be seen to be believed. The difficulty then was convincing him that the model was not my identical twin.
There is one slight snag. I have set the homing device but the robot seems reluctant to leave. However, this is causing no inconvenience at the moment but I welcome your advice.
Thank you for your co-operation and please submit invoice on the return of the robot.
Yours faithfully,
Arthur Willis
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Rentarobot Ltd.,
London, W.15.
23rd September, 1979
Arthur Willis, Esq.,
15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath.
Dear Sir,
I am delighted that the “operation” was a success. We always hope to oblige our customers and in this case the charges will be waived.
Do not be unduly concerned about the laggardly manner of your model. Normally we re-tune the homing device after each mission. Due to the urgency in your case this was not done as we dispatched quickly and no doubt the mechanism is slightly run down. It should take effect but if it does not operate within forty-eight hours of the receipt of this letter please contact me again.
Yours faithfully,
Oscar P. Flavenbaum
(Managing Director)
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15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath, Somerset.
23rd September, 1979
Managing Director,
Rentarobot Ltd.
Dear Sir,
Further to my letter of the day before yesterday, will you note that your robot is still here and, since its behaviour is not normal, I shall be pleased if you will have it collected as soon as possible.
To tell the truth, I may be imagining things, but it seems to wear a superior look on its face and is almost dominating the household. I think the mechanism needs inspecting thoroughly.
Although your service fulfilled a very necessary need at the time, in view of recent events I shall not engage the service of a robot in the future. Even as I write it is peering over my shoulder, which is quite disconcerting.
Yours faithfully,
Arthur Willis
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15 Slimbridge Gardens, Bath.
Saturday
Dear Tilly,
Oh, I have so much to tell you that we must get together soon. We had a marvellous holiday on the continent. I hope you got my card from Venice. The weather was glorious all the time and the hotel was fabulous. Even Arthur thawed out a bit—and on the days when he had business appointments (he could never have just a holiday) I went with a gorgeous Swede for trips in his launch . . . Well I can’t tell you everything of course, but he was blond and beautifully tanned ... all over. Yes he was a Viking to my liking!
I thought it would seem very dull when we got back but at least one interesting thing has happened. You know we were going to have one of those robot things to look after the house (I shouldn’t have told you really so don’t say anything about it to You-Know-Who) well we had one and Arthur had to ask for it back because it had misbehaved itself and our neighbour had thought that it was Arthur ogling his wife. Arthur! Can you imagine it? The funny thing is that now we’ve got him (I mean it) and everything has been straightened out, he won’t go!
He loafs around the house all day and of course he looks just like Arthur. As if one of him wasn’t enough! But from the way he looks at me I don’t think he’s such a cold fish as dear A. himself!
Well Tilly, as I said we must meet and you can tell me all your adventures. I’m sure that you didn’t go to Nice for nothing!
Lots of Love,
Patty
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Rentarobot ltd. Internal Memo. Date: 24,/9/79 URGENT
From : Managing Director. To: Robot Mortician
Seymour Dent
Please collect Model RR/1307 from:
Arthur Willis, Esq.,
15 Slimbridge Gardens,
Bath,
Somerset.
Model to be disposed of upon your return.
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Flat 12,
Westall House,
S.W.6.
25th September, 1979
Dear Mr. Flavenbaum,
I did not come to work this morning as I was not well. That last job of collecting a model from Bath took a lot out of me as it did not want to come.
I have worked for you for several years now and liked the job very much but now I’ve had enough. When the robots were just models it was all right but now they are more like us it’s different.
The last one really turned me up. I didn’t mind him struggling, but that last scream as I pushed him into the incinerator went through me like cold steel. I wish I had been told that he had been modified as much as that and anyway I can’t see any need to build in such life-like things and so I give in my notice.
Yours truly,
Seymour Dent