THE PRINCESS BITCHFACE SYNDROME, sURVIVING ADOLESCENT GIRLS

MICHAEL CARR-GREGG

Planet Girl is in crisis.

In this hard-hitting book, Michael Carr-Gregg focuses on the special trials
of raising adolescent girls today: what to do when your previously quiet,
loving daughter becomes a restless, rebellious stranger who behaves like a
responsible adult one day and a vampish brat the next.

Part of the problem is that girls are becoming sexualised earlier, and their
physical development is shooting ahead of their cognitive capacities. By
the time they turn 13 they look like they're ready for anything - but they're
not. Yet, argues Carr-Gregg, many parents are surrendering their authority
and allowing their daughters to be fast-tracked into pseudo-adulthood. We
appear to be losing it when it comes to parenting our girls and it's time to
grab back the reins.


This book is a must-read for every parent with an adolescent daughter.


ISBN 978-0-14-300466-0

Parenting/Self-help


Penguin Books


Princess Bitchface



Dr Michael Carr-Gregg is one of Australia's leading authorities on teenage
behaviour, and as a practising psychologist specialises in the area of
parenting adolescents and adolescent mental health.
He was founder of the world's first national support group for teenage
cancer patients, CanTeen (The Australian Organisation for Young
People Living with Cancer). He is the consultant psychologist to many
schools and national organisations, an official ambassador for the federal
government's youth suicide prevention programs beyondblue and
MindMatters, and has been the resident parenting expert on Channel
7's Sunrise program since 2005. He has written several books on parenting
adolescents, including the popular book Surviving Adolescents, and
is a columnist for Girlfriend and Explode magazines. He has won many
awards for his work.
THE
Princess Bitchface
SYNDROME


Surviving
adolescent
girls









Michael Carr-Gregg
Illustrations by Ron Tandberg


Penguin Books
PENGUIN BOOKS

Published by the Penguin Group
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London, WC2R 0RL, England
First published by Penguin Group (Australia), 2006
11 13 15 14 12

Text copyright © Michael Carr-Gregg 2006
Illustrations copyright © Ron Tandberg 2006

The moral right of the author has been asserted

AH rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication
may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any
means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission
of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

Design by Karen Trump © Penguin Group (Australia)
Illustrations by Ron Tandberg
Typeset in Simoncini Garamond by Post Pre-press Group, Brisbane, Queensland
Printed and bound in Australia by McPherson's Printing Group, Maryborough, Victoria

National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

Carr-Gregg, Michael.
The princess bitchface syndrome: surviving adolescent girls.
Includes index.
ISBN 978 0 14 300466 0.
1. Teenage girls. 2. Parent and teenager. 3. Adolescent
psychology. I. Title.

305.235

penguin.com.au

To Therese

'Mother Nature is providential. She gives us
twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning
them into teenagers.' William Galvin


"The two worst years of a woman's life are the year
she is 13 and the year her daughter is.' Nell Minow

Contents


A mother's story viii

Introduction xi


Chapter 1: A crash course in developmental psychology
Chapter 2: Times have changed 31
Chapter 3: Enter Princess Bitchface 45
Chapter 4: Some parenting principles 75
Chapter 5: Tried-and-true strategies 93
Chapter 6: Keeping her safe 111


Conclusion: The fairytale ending 131
Alcohol and drugs: How much do you know? 133
Resources 145
Index 161
A mother's story
viii


I think I would call her the stranger who arrived to replace the other
person we knew - we now have the both of them living with us in
one person happily. Her key characteristics were an absolute will
of iron, able to undertake secret missions, able to self-destruct at a
moment's notice, moods like Melbourne's weather, able to home in
on my own concerns about my parenting, use my own words and
display any number of my own characteristics.
I was her main target and she would hurt me terribly, mostly
deliberately, and sometimes inadvertently. Her aim was to be her
own person in any way she wanted, regardless. The air was fraught
with enormous emotional storms. She was thoughtless about the
effort people put in, and her own worst enemy in terms of not doing
what would seem to be a good idea.
Opposition was at all costs until we were all exhausted, but 1
had no idea what she would do next - just the opposite of anything
we came up with. This daughter was delineating herself almost
desperately and I think she was also confused. She would remain


ix

loving when the storm blew through, and meant well.
I think she was frightened by the world and her own power. She
was confounded by and resented her sister's time of strife later which
incidentally was nowhere near as difficult for me - it was
more of a passive resistance and the argument was between the sisters.
I had given up resisting and suggesting, something I had learnt
from the earlier experience. I also sympathised with both, but did
not comment on either party. It was eight years of hell and even
writing about it now I find that we remember events differently - it
is as if they were different incidents or times for both of us. I think
moving house, spending too much time at work and having my
elderly parents (who were ill at times) in the house made it harder
for all the family.
However, she fought with Grandma too on one occasion and I
remember being between the two of them while they were arguing,
and hearing myself from two eras thinking in support of one, 'Good
point'; and then supporting the other - thinking, 'Yes, that's true,
too.' It was like two parts of me, or two voices I could relate to.
ITS NOT EASY TRYING
TO RUN A HOUSEIntroduction


Many people picking up this book for the first time might find
its title distasteful. So I feel the need to explain where it came
from - an experience recounted to me by a 30-something friend
of mine called Nikki, who was enjoying a fairly 'robust' relationship
with her teenage daughter. Nikki was particularly envious of a
friend who insisted on waxing lyrical about how quiet, helpful and
studious her own adolescent was. Then one day Nikki attended a
school morning tea and, with a slightly heavy heart expecting the
usual rant, ambled over to the mother of this paragon of virtues
and asked politely how her daughter was. Nikki was more than a little surprised at the response: 'You mean Princess Bitchface?'
Clearly, the puberty fairy had arrived and left a very special
type of teenager under this parent's pillow ...
Of course, there are plenty of teenage girls who rise early, shower
and get ready for the day without being disagreeable. But listen to
parents and teachers, as I do on a regular basis, and you would have
to agree that there are indisputably some girls whose behaviour


xi
xii

seems for a period of time like a direct emotional assault.
So, is it just teenage girls who behave in this manner? Well, pretty
much. The reality is that while young boys often start off by being
more demanding and labour-intensive than girls, there is no doubt
that girls reach higher levels of complication as they get older. Many
parents discover how difficult parenting really can be when their
daughters hit puberty and become entwined in intricate adolescent
peer relationships, which can have a domino effect on the home front.
Teenage boys tend to be less involved in emotional complexities.
I've decided to call this manifestation 'the Princess Bitchface
Syndrome'. In psychology, the word 'syndrome' refers to a collection
of signs or symptoms that together form a condition with
a known outcome, or which requires a special response. In my
view, precisely such a collection of signs and/or symptoms exists not just in the Australian community but across the western world - an instantly recognisable adolescent female who transforms
almost overnight into a rebellious stranger who behaves like a responsible adult one day and a spoiled child the next.

xiii


Talkback radio switchboards across Australia neared meltdown
in February 2006 after two 14-year-old girls were charged with
dragging a disabled 53-year-old taxi driver from his cab, bashing
him to death and stealing his vehicle and mobile phone. The girls
were also allegedly involved in an armed robbery a day after his
death. Where, it was plaintively asked, were their parents, and
what were these girls doing wandering around the suburbs of
Sydney at 2 a.m.?
In the past decade, boys have (for good reason) grabbed
the psychological limelight. Yet you don't need to be the Agony
Uncle for a teenage girls' magazine to realise that life for our
young women is tougher now than ever before. Divorce rates are
up to almost 50 per cent, the average length of new marriages is
11 years, and the number of children in care has jumped 70 per
cent over the last decade because of increased reports of neglect
and abuse. One in four young women has been a victim of drink
spiking and/or sexual molestation. Anxiety and depression rates are
rising too: 11 per cent of our girls routinely engage in deliberate
self-harm, and underage drinking kills one teenager and results in
xiv

more than 60 hospital admissions each week.
Planet Girl is in crisis. There is something terribly wrong when,
in counselling sessions, 13-year-old girls wring their hands about
whether they are satisfying their sexual partner, or when 10-year-olds
write to magazines reporting that they have lost their virginity and
can't understand why 'he' doesn't return their calls. By the time girls
turn 13 they look like they're ready for anything. But they're not.
As a society we appear to be losing it when it comes to parenting
our girls. More and more young women seem to be in charge
of their own lives, more worried about pleasing their age peers
than listening to or respecting their parents. Right across Australia,
battle-weary parents are raising the white flag and beating
a hasty retreat from the fray.
Every week in my office I witness girls who are empowered
to the point where the adults in their lives feel helpless and ineffectual.
Adolescents' wish lists become must-do lists, because to
deprive a child of an iPod (let alone make them attend a 'boring'
family function, church or carol service) is seen by many as akin
to cruelty, neglect and abuse. This generation is enmeshed in a
xv

culture of getting and spending - and there can be double trouble
where parents have divorced, separated or blended, because
if one parent doesn't buy for the child, the other will.
In the current environment, it is politically incorrect to suggest
that parents are responsible for this state of affairs - because
this is 'parent bashing' and induces guilt. But surely we have an
obligation to make healthy choices that will guide our daughters,
socialise them and eventually teach them to be independent. If we
don't perform this role, who will?
This book, then, is about parenting with intelligence, with a loving
but firm hand. While it is counterproductive for parents to be
in the faces of their daughters 24/7, it is vital that you are supportive,
make them feel safe, valued and trusted and, above all, that you
know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing.
This applies to young people of both genders, of course: they need
boundaries and rules if they are to learn right from wrong.
You cannot parent the most vulnerable generation of teenagers
in our history via mobile phone. In other words, it is time to
get a plan, develop a strategy and get involved.Chapter 1 A crash course in
developmental psychology


Before I attempt to explain the Princess Bitchface Syndrome, it
is worth doing some scene-setting. Australia today has around
3-3.5 million young people going through puberty/adolescence
at any one time, depending on how you define those terms.



Understanding adolescence

Generally, puberty refers to the physical changes that transform
a child into a sexually developed being, while adolescence is a
catch-all term for the other changes - emotional, psychological,
social - that follow in its wake. Puberty is mother nature's hormone
titration experiment, whereby the brain and pituitary gland
release hormones that regulate the reproductive organs of both


1

2

males and females. As a result children begin to mature biologically,
psychologically, socially and cognitively - a process that can
take anywhere from one year to six. Everyone matures at their
own pace, but eventually they all catch up. When looked at from a
simple biological viewpoint this all sounds pretty straightforward,
but many parents find this time both baffling and frustrating. Let
me give you an example.
Doug is driving home after a long day at work. He is 40something,
runs a flourishing business and has spent his entire
day in a very successful board meeting. As he eases through the
traffic, he's feeling quietly satisfied - the board is pleased with his
management of the company and the 50-odd staff members. He's
received a bonus, some important new initiatives have been given
the green light, and his mood has been further improved by a few
beers in the pub afterwards.
Doug parks his car and walks, with a spring in his step, to
the front door. Hanging up his coat he hears a noise emanating
from the living room, and poking his head around the door he
sees his 12-year-old daughter Chloe, feet up on the sofa, watching
3

The OC. Doug is at what some adolescent psychologists refer to
as 'the moment of truth'. What will he do next? He could walk
over to Chloe, tousle her hair and say, 'Hi, darling, how was your
day? What's Seth up to?' But he doesn't. Instead, a voice rises
from deep within him, fuelled by a mixture of alcohol and a
heritage-listed parenting script, and he strides into the room,
glares at his daughter and utters the six words guaranteed to elicit
a defensive response from any teenager: 'Chloe, have you done
your homework?'
Chloe has had a reasonably good day and is in an unusually
genial mood. Only mildly irritated at the lack of a warm greeting
and the provocative question, she chooses to ignore her father's
inquiry and says nothing. She is hoping her silence will be taken
as a non-verbal clue - that she doesn't wish to engage in conversation,
as at this moment she is clearly engrossed in something far
more important to her. Something, in fact, that will most likely
be the sole topic of conversation on the train tomorrow morning.
Doug, sadly, doesn't get the hint. Undeterred by her silence, he
walks a little closer to the fruit of his loins and delving into the
4

university of the bleeding obvious, asks in a louder voice, 'Are
you deaf?' It is a silly question, as he knows the answer.
Chloe, more irritated now, sighs and emits a neanderthal
grunt - providing a further opportunity for her father to back off
and take the conversation in a different direction. But by now
Doug is in the mood for a confrontation, and he walks over to the
TV and turns it off. Chloe now does a commendable imitation
of Mt Vesuvius, gets off the sofa, tells her father to go forth and
multiply and, in time-honoured tradition, storms out of the house,
slamming the door (for added effect) and yelling to her mother
that she's going to her best friend's place to watch the rest of the
program with 'normal' people. Doug is left standing alone, in the
now silent room, wondering what he has done wrong. He pours
himself a whiskey, downs it and walks into the kitchen where
Caroline, his wife of 17 years, and their 10-year-old son William,
are preparing the evening meal. Instead of the standard 'Honey,
I'm home' greeting, he demands, 'Did you hear that?' Caroline
has indeed heard the confrontation, one of many in recent times,
and she sighs and says, 'Everyone heard it'.
5

'Well, she can't talk to me like that!' he replies.
'Well, she just did!' says Caroline.
'We'll see about that!' Doug says, grabbing his keys and heading
off to his car to search for his daughter. But when he gets to
the bottom of the road, to his dismay he discovers a booze bus
has just been set up. He is breathalysed and loses his licence.
So what went wrong? This man - like millions of his counterparts
across Australia and elsewhere - lacks what is known in
psychological circles as a 'developmental perspective'. A new
set of skills, knowledge and strategies are needed to parent the
'new' adolescent. Doug needs to know that all young people need
some 'staring into the fire' time after school - that the secret of
harmonius communication with teenagers is to avoid language
that triggers their inherent sensitivity to control. He must discard
his old parenting script and learn a new one (see chapter 4
for more on this), one which recognises that during adolescence
it is not just the body that undergoes tectonic changes, but the
brain is also transformed. When Doug speaks to Chloe, he should
remember that her brain is a work in progress and won't be fully
6

formed for maybe another decade. He needs to take into account
that he is dealing with a unique species - the adolescent - not a
miniature version of himself. He needs to understand that Chloe
doesn't act like an adult because she doesn't think like an adult.
She's an adolescent.
So what is adolescence? It is best understood as a transitional
period between childhood and adulthood, characterised by
physical and psychological changes that do not occur on a strict
timeline but at different times according to a genetic roadmap
unique to each individual. This is by definition a period of flux
which, while perfectly normal in theory, can in practice produce
confusion and discord. Common issues identified by adolescent
girls include conflicts with parents and siblings, concerns about
peers and peer relationships, concerns about school and concerns
about their physical safety.
Though adolescence has long been a more or less challenging
time for both teenagers and parents, 21st-century life has added
some new ingredients to the mix. While these are not limited
to girls, their generally superior communication skills (sharply
7 honed in the primary-school playground) tend to make them
more articulate than their male counterparts about what's going
on in their lives.



How her brain develops

At birth Chloe had more than 100 billion brain cells, more than
there are stars in the Milky Way. In newborns, only about 17 per
cent of these cells are interconnected (these connections are
responsible for the functioning of the autonomic nervous system,
which directs our heartbeat and breathing, controls reflexes, and
regulates other basic functions). The brain continues to form connections
over the next two decades, in fits and starts, by adding
grey matter (neurones, dendrites and synapses) and pruning old
synapses, destroying old neural connections and building new
ones - all the time producing the complex circuits that shape
our thinking, feelings and behaviour. Chloe and her adolescent
counterparts are navigating a cerebral cyclone, without a map or
compass.

8

Recent brain research has improved our understanding of
adolescent girls. It seems that few organs are as gender-specific as
the human brain: magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) has shown
that in girls the corpus callosum (a bundle of fibres between the
left and the right hemispheres) has approximately 30 per cent
more connections than is the case with boys. In other words, the
female brain is more integrated, allowing both brain hemispheres
to work together; in addition, the limbic system, which controls
emotions, is more active in the female brain, so that thoughts and
emotions are more intertwined.
For decades, developmental psychologists assumed that the
adolescent brain was fully formed when the skull reached adult
size - by the age of 13 or 14. But a few years ago a US neuroscientist,
Dr Jay Geidd, discovered that there was a second
growth spurt - another overproduction of grey matter - just
before puberty, followed by a second bout of neural Darwinism
('use-it-or-lose-it') pruning during adolescence itself. Pruning
allows the brain to invest in strengthening the connections
that the individual finds most necessary and important. If your
9

daughter does a lot of reading, she will become a better reader;
if she plays the piano a great deal when young, she will become
a better pianist. What they use and learn in school will become
hard-wired into the brain's structure - but what they ignore will
lose its priority.
It is important to be aware that the brain's centre of reasoning
and problem-solving, the prefrontal cortex, is the last to
mature, and that the brain is not fully developed until the early
20s. To compensate for this shortfall, the adolescent relies heavily
on another area of the brain, the amygdala, the primitive and
instinctive part, which creates a tendency to react automatically.
In other words, adolescents do not have the same ability as adults
to control their impulses and make sound decisions, which in
turn means there is no point in judging their actions from an
adult perspective - to do so is both unfair and unhelpful, and will
inevitably lead to disappointment.
Other research has shown that the myelin sheaths that insulate
nerve fibres in the brain are also still developing in adolescence.
This is the process during which neurons and dendrites become
10

coated with a fatty substance (myelin) to enable neural impulses
to travel faster. Just as a bare electrical cable, without plastic insulation,
allows some electricity to escape and so loses power, the
uninsulated adolescent brain transmits signals much more slowly
than that of a fully mature adult. This is also likely to contribute
to the often-observed teenage trait of finding it hard to quickly
think through the consequences of an action or to control their
emotions.
The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety in the US found
that the highest scores on the sensation-seeking scale come around
age 16, with the dangerous period ending when young people's
control centres reach maturity - around age 25. Another factor
contributing to impulsiveness is the fact that teens' hormones
begin pushing them into more risky, thrill-seeking behaviours.
And last but by no means least, adolescents are by nature particularly
prey to peer pressure, often, for example, driving more
dangerously when they have friends with them. The Insurance
Institute says the probability of a car crash doubles if a driver
under 18 has two peers in the vehicle; if there are three or more,
11

it quadruples. US psychologist Lawrence Steinberg, a specialist
in the field of adolescent health and development, conducted
research into this phenomenon and in one test found that adolescents
playing a video car game drove 30 per cent faster when they
had friends with them.
Even the judicial system is sitting up and taking notice of such
discoveries as these. In March 2005 the US Supreme Court held
that the Eighth and Fourteenth Amendments forbade the execution
of offenders under the age of 18. This fresh understanding
does not excuse juvenile offenders from punishment for violent
crime, but it lessens their culpability.
With all this restructuring, is it any wonder that the teenage
brain is at times disorganised, impulsive and prone to misinterpretation?
Above all, these facts should underscore for parents
of adolescents the importance of being an understanding voice
of reason, of strategically setting limits and boundaries, and of
consequential learning (see chapters 4 and 5).
12

Rites of passage

As I said in my book Surviving Adolescents, it is natural for young
people to seek psychological separation, independence and 'a
sense of self at this stage of their lives. This is both a biological
and emotional imperative. But this rite of passage is, just as naturally,
complicated by the fact that they are not yet fully grown and
that their brain is a work in progress.
Adolescence has always been that in-between time when,
to quote pop princess Britney Spears: I'm not a girl. Not yet a
woman.'


In the grey zone between childhood and adulthood, Chloe too
is caught between the past and the future. Although biologically
mature, in that she is capable of sexual reproduction, psychologically
and socially she has still not achieved adulthood. This
has not always been the case. The notion of adolescence being a
distinct developmental process is a relatively new phenomenon
in western societies, a byproduct of the Industrial Revolution,

13 prior to which young people went straight from childhood to
adulthood once they were old enough to procreate or to go to
work.
In some cultures there is a formal age of maturity, when young
people are deemed to become adults. For example, in the Jewish
tradition females are considered to be adult members of the
community at age 12, and this transition is celebrated in the Bat
Mitzvah (the Bar Mitzvah, the equivalent ceremony for boys, is
held at age 13). Amongst Australian Aborigines, girls were traditionally
married when they reached puberty, before which they
were ceremonially prepared by the other women in the tribal
group.
I believe there is much to be recommended in such traditions:
without a ritual that says 'Now you are an adult', the rapid biological
changes of puberty can engender confusion, uncertainty
and 'status anxiety'. In Australia, 'Schoolies Week' seems to have
become the default rite of passage for many young people at the
end of their last school year, with thousands of young people
heading for coastal towns to celebrate the end of their exams and
14

the beginning of their new-found freedom. Sadly, excessive use of
alcohol and other drugs seems to have become an indispensable
component of the festivities.



Where have all the children gone?

Today, puberty occurs earlier than ever before - around age 10,
according to the World Health Organization. For the vast
majority of Australian girls, it is a transition with a fairly predictable
sequence of physical changes: the release of increased quantities
of hormones produces an overall growth spurt, the ovaries
become active, breasts and body hair develop, and menstruation
starts. Unlike the slow progress experienced in childhood, change
is now rapid and dramatic. One difference between girls and boys
at this point is that girls commonly undergo the general growth
spurt before or around the same time that they begin to develop
sexually, whereas boys tend to acquire their 'secondary' sexual
characteristics first and grow taller later. For girls, a key challenge
of adolescence is to adjust to this new physical self: she looks less

15

like a child and more like a young woman, with the result that
she often becomes extremely focused on her body. She needs to
incorporate in her unfolding self-image a sense of what it means
to be female, she needs to develop a set of values about sexual
behaviour, and she must learn to manage her sexuality (I discuss
this in more detail in chapter 6).
For all young people, female or male, adolescence is also a time
to begin separating from their parents, to break the emotional ties
that have bound them to Mum and Dad up until now. For most
of them, this shift involves engaging in one or more risk-taking
behaviours - so much so that this may be seen as a normal developmental
process. In the majority of cases, fortunately, they gradually
develop a capacity for self-discipline and can assess which behaviours
are acceptable and safe.
Over the last few years, assisted by a constant barrage of
sexual images and lyrics, childhood as we knew it seems to have
been steadily eroded away. There is unprecedented pressure on
young people to grow up much earlier. Many girls today seem to
be going straight from toys to boys, without a stop at the 'tween'
16

years. They can't drive or vote, but have been raised as consumers:
they have a significant disposable income and form the most
powerful consumer group since the baby boom.
Chloe, who we met earlier in this chapter, is a typical tween.
When her mother was 12, she was dreaming about ponies and
married bliss with Donny Osmond, and dressed quite differently
to teenage girls. Chloe, on the other hand, is being sold
the same clothes as 18-year-olds: she's into push-up bras, thong
underwear, and low-rider jeans. She wears eyeliner and mascara,
displays a bare midriff, listens to sexually explicit rap lyrics and
her favourite TV show, as we have seen, is The OC. Chloe has
grown up so fast that she's really missed out on what Freud called
'the latency period' - a kind of waiting-room for girls en route
to the teen years. She is fashion-conscious, fad-loving and very
vocal - full of 'attitude'. At her 12th birthday party there was
no jumping castle, no traditional games such as pass the parcel
or musical chairs, and no little girls in frilly dresses. Her friends
turned up dressed as 21st-century pop-divas sporting denim
mini-skirts, sparkly satin or faux-leather pants, flirty or cropped
17

tops, and platform-heel knee-high boots. In copying Beyonce's
skimpy, provocative outfits, they have no idea what the sexual
impact is - just because their bodies are maturing, it doesn't
mean their minds are too. Parents who allow early adolescents to
follow such fads should think about what message they are sending
about body image.
Lastly, at Chloe's party there were no Barbie dolls as gifts nowadays,
even 8-year-olds deem dolls and other playthings babyish.
Indeed, a UK study in 2005 revealed that girls aged 7-11 felt
such hostility towards the Barbie dolls of their earlier childhood
that they were 'torturing, maiming and even decapitating' them.
So, long before puberty proper has hit, Chloe's posters of cute
puppies and ponies, along with her own drawings, have come off
the bedroom wall and been replaced with images of celebrities.
Every six weeks or so, Chloe's mother treats her to a $60 haircut and
an $80 facial; she also has the occasional pedicure and manicure.
Chloe wields significant influence over her parent's purse-strings,
too, known by marketers as 'pester power', with early adolescents
influencing more than 67 per cent of all brands their parents buy,
18

including the family home and car, and even where they holiday.
And in choosing her secondary school, one of Chloe's friends based
her shortlist on the ones with the coolest uniforms.



What, then, are the characteristics of today's 'typical' teenage
adolescent girl? Following is a broad guide to the developmental
stages, though it's important to remember that each girl's
passage through each stage is determined not only by biological
growth and change, but also by temperament and personality,
adult expectations and social influences. This generation is
more media-savvy than any preceding one and has been raised
on images of sassy but strong 'girl heroes'. At the same time,
today's ideal stick-thin look can cause body-image problems:
statistics show that one in 100 Australian girls aged 12-19 develops
the eating disorder anorexia nervosa and close to one in 20
develops bulimia.
19

Early adolescence

Early adolescence roughly corresponds to ages 10-15. Chloe,
whose bones, muscles and organs have grown unevenly - resulting
in the classic gangly look of this age-group - feels gawky and
sometimes looks awkward as well. Like most early adolescents
she is progressing through puberty and is intensely conscious
of the physical changes she's undergoing, particularly when she
compares herself with her peers, which serves to increase her
anxiety about her body shape, her growth and her sexuality. She's
become very sensitive to teasing about her appearance and needs
buckets of reassurance that she's normal.
Chloe vacillates between wanting to turn away from her childhood
and the authority of her parents, and needing to feel free to
depend on them. She has rapid mood swings and can become easily
upset and emotional, alternating between extreme cooperation
and extreme resistance to adult guidance. There is no shortage
of low-voltage conflict, most often centring on sibling rivalry and
normal developmental forgetfulness with respect to jobs around
20

the house, homework, and her bedroom (which often looks as if
the SAS has been training in it).
Chloe's parents have noticed that she has progressed from
fairly concrete thinking towards logical thought and has a limited
ability to extend logic to abstract concepts. She still has difficulty
identifying how her immediate behaviour impacts upon her
future. She scorns the imaginative and illogical thinking of her
early childhood, but spends much time and energy accumulating
general knowledge and has developed an ability to apply learned
concepts to new tasks.
While still fairly egocentric, Chloe is slowly developing a conscience,
moving from a 'What's in it for me?' approach ('If I do
this for you, what will you do for me?') to a desire to gain social
approval and live up to the expectations of people close to her
(for example, she may place the needs of others over her own
self-interest). Sadly, this new perspective is not always reflected
in her behaviour, as can be seen from the emotional violence
('relational aggression', as psychologists call it) she and her peers
engage in at school.
21

Chloe's sense of self is heavily influenced by her relationships
with parents and siblings, teachers and, increasingly, peers. The
close friendships formed by early adolescent girls are best understood
as intense little love affairs, usually based on geographical
proximity (though mobiles and internet chatting have made this
less important), shared interests and hobbies, or other connections.
They tend to have fewer, but emotionally closer, friends
than boys do (for more on cliques, see chapter 3), and shifting
peer alliances are common as one girl matures faster or slower
than others.
Her predominant psychological need is to develop a sense of
mastery and accomplishment, to be seen as capable. She feels it
is still okay to learn skills from her parents, especially her mother,
and to make and fix things. At the same time, her relatively slow
brain development ensures a tendency to be disorganised and
forgetful.
So, what has Chloe to expect in the coming years?
22

Middle adolescence

In middle adolescence (around 14-17 years old) girls have more
mobility and independence and, as a result, there is less adult
presence and protection in their lives.
She wants to be as grown-up as possible. Her childhood icons
have been replaced by mobile phones and the internet, TV soaps
and 'teen' comedies, and glamorous, raunchy pop singers and
celebs. Her taste in magazines runs from Girlfriend and Dolly to Cosmopolitan and Cleo. The emotional temperature in the home
rises as tensions between family over autonomy become more
and more frequent. Many of her friends are drinking alcohol
regularly and several have used illicit drugs at least once in the
past year.
She is in the process of developing new intellectual powers,
such as thinking in abstract terms, thinking more about possibilities,
thinking more about the very process of thinking. She
is thinking in multiple dimensions, and seeing in shades of grey
rather than simply in black and white. She does not always feel
23


'Our 14-year-old daughter seems rational and reasonable one
minute, but the next she's quite a pain. She just doesn't seem
to listen to us any more. She forgets things we've asked her to
do and accuses us of nagging when we remind her. One day we
have a decent conversation with her and we think "Great! That
stage has passed." But then two days later, she'll be acting like a child again.'


Your daughter is not necessarily being deliberately obnoxious. As
a parent it's helpful to see this as a manifestation of the natural
development going on in her brain, of which inconsistency is one
of the symptoms. Her brain is trying to sort through lots of options
and identities - whether she's going to be an academic, an athlete
or an artist. Our job is to ensure that the choices she makes
don't have irreversible consequences. We need to develop a tolerance
of the more relatively minor missteps, and not forget that
it is also frustrating for the girls themselves - they don't choose to
be defiant or disobedient or disorganised.

24

the need to squander precious minutes on thinking ahead or
weighing up the consequences of her actions. Relationships have
a distinctly self-centred quality, which can be intensely irritating
to her parents, as is her tendency to lose things. If her parents are
not careful, she's likely to play them like a fiddle.
Although she is still self-focused she is very concerned about
what others, particularly her peers, think of her. Her need for
peer-group acceptance is so great that at school she checks
the popularity barometer daily, as gaining and retaining social
approval is paramount. She has a growing desire for privacy and
is sensitive about the changes her body is undergoing (breasts,
periods, and so on). Her parents are noticing frequent mood
swings, especially when she spends too much time alone. She
seeks to prove her individuality by spurning adult control and
support, often resulting in significant levels of conflict. Her new
thinking abilities may be evidenced in the use of sarcasm and in
arguing with her parents and other authority figures, which may
result in further clashes. Her obsessive focus on peer friendships
may also lead her to reject physical affection at home, which can
25

be distressing. She has greater interest in making her own decisions
and benefits from more opportunities to do so (within the
scope of her current abilities).
Her friendships still begin with perceived commonalities,
but increasingly involve the sharing of values and personal confidences.
Being part of a clique provides her with a greater sense of
security, though antisocial cliques can increase rebellious behaviours
at this stage. Romantic crushes are common, as are dating
and increased sexual activity.
The process of identity formation is intensifying and she is
experimenting increasingly with different roles, looks, values and
friendships, and her sexuality. Peer relationships help her explore
and develop her own identity. She is becoming surer of her own
beliefs and may start making plans for her future. At the same
time, body image may still be a central concern and her parents
are concerned that her apparent low self-esteem may contribute
to an eating disorder.
26

Late adolescence

Late adolescence refers to the years past high school, from around
age 17 into the early twenties.
By now she is physically an adult, and accepted as an adult in
her environment. Many of her friends are seeking to pursue further
education or vocational training. Her self-image is now more
consistent with the realities of her size, shape and abilities, and
with societal limits and expectations. She has a well-established
sexual identity, and is having satisfying intimate relationships.
Despite her adult appearance, her brain is not fully developed
(whatever she might think). She stills needs help associating effort
with outcome, and with planning and organising.
She is now much less egocentric and shows increased understanding
of abstract values. She can see the bigger societal picture
and might value moral principles over laws (known in the trade
as 'principled morality'). On the other hand, her differing rates
of cognitive and emotional development may mean she will advocate
for specific values and violate them at the same time. Her
27

Early adolescent girls


Middle adolescent girls
Late adolescent girls
Main concerns
Am 1 popular?
Where do 1 belong?
Where am 1 going?
Major developmental issues
Coming to terms with the
changes of puberty
Superior intellectual powers
Emancipation from adult
caregivers
Struggle to break away from
parents, particularly mother
New sexual desires
Realistic body image
Clique relationships crucial
Increased experimentation
and risk-taking
Acceptance of sexual identity
Anxiety about body shape
and changes
Relationships
Development of
educational/vocational goals
Comparisons with peers
Developing intimate
relationships
Cognitive development
Still concrete thinkers
More rational thought
Longer attention span
Less able to understand
subtlety
Individual freedom
Abstract thought
Daydreaming common
Accept more responsibility
for consequences of choices
Ability to synthesise
information
Take on greater responsibility
within family
Able to think into the future
Parental responsibility
Reassure about normality
Respect need for privacy
Help associate effort
with outcome
Make explanations short
Negotiate rules around safety
Help plan goals
Have clear boundaries on
issues relating to safety
Reward compliance with
more freedom
Help develop strategies
28

increased ability to empathise with others may mean a further
intensification of relationships and a tendency to worry more,
with an almost obsessive concern for friends and family, and life
problems. Her parents are relieved to see she is generally acting
more responsibly. There are fewer conflicts with her parents
nowadays and she is beginning to see them as individuals and
take their perspectives into account. She is showing interest in
taking on 'adult' responsibilities (babysitting, having her own
bank account, doing her own laundry, etc.).



These, then, are the chief factors that help explain the inconsistent,
sometimes infuriating, behaviour of the 'normal' adolescent
girl. On the one hand, adolescence is a time of rapid biological
change: she is maturing physically and experiencing new and
strange impulses that she doesn't yet know how to handle. On
the other hand, although she is biologically mature she is not yet
an adult in psychological and social terms. So if she behaves like a
grown-up one day and a stubborn child the next, it is because she

29

is half-child and half-adult. If she likes one thing one moment and
another thing the next, it is because she really doesn't yet know
what she wants. If she is rebellious or challenges your values and
rules, it is because she is searching for her own coherent, stable
sense of self.
Parents need to think of this journey as an economist would.
At first you invest your love and energy, and the returns are great.
Middle adolescence can sometimes feel like a recession, as you
get little or nothing back. But the good news is that towards the
end of the journey most parents discover that not only is their
original investment still there, on the whole its value has increased
immeasurably.
31

Chapter 2
Times have changed

To add to the more predictable challenges facing contemporary
adolescents (and their parents), this is arguably the most vulnerable
generation in Australia's history. There are six key factors
combining to create a richly nutritious mix in which the seeds of
the Princess Bitchface Syndrome can germinate and thrive.



Body and brain development are out of synch

The ever-earlier onset of puberty means that the brain development
of young people is lagging further and further behind their physical,
cognitive and emotional development (in psychobabble this
is known as 'developmental compression'). And as we have seen,
girls typically develop physically and sexually sooner than boys.
Many of today's parents grew up in an era when puberty arrived
at about 16 years of age, preceded by a 'free-range' childhood
32

(Freud's latency period' when, according to him, children generally
identify with the same-sex parent and play with other children
of the same sex). In this way young people in the past could learn
and practise important social skills (such as anger management,
conflict resolution and assertiveness), and gather both physical and
psychological strength to explore the world, all within the comfort
and safety of their own gender. In other words, they had time to
marshall their forces for the arrival of puberty.
Now everything has changed. Research from the UK in 2000
found that around 16 per cent of girls reach puberty by the age of
eight; while an American study in 1997 showed it was normal for
girls as young as seven to start developing breasts. The ever-earlier
onset of puberty has been attributed to all sorts of factors:
better nutrition, producing greater body mass and fat, which
can initiate puberty
lack of exercise (in very active children, such as gymnasts,
puberty starts later)
stress (girls whose parents divorce, for instance, may start
puberty earlier)
33



chemicals in food (e.g. hormones fed to chickens).


An assortment of paediatric boffins have identified a number of
other possible reasons, including the media-driven sexualisation
of children, the disintegration of the nuclear family, and watching
too much television. University of Florence Professor Roberto Salti
has argued that watching too much TV may distort the hormonal
balance of adolescents and push many of them into early puberty.
His research team found children denied access to television for just
one week experienced a 30 per cent jump in their melatonin levels
(this hormone is thought to prevent the early onset of puberty). If
confirmed, this would be the first evidence of television-watching
having a direct physiological impact on the young.
Owing to the lack of conclusive evidence linking any of the
above to the changed timing of puberty, we must assume that a
multiplicity of factors is involved. Whatever the reasons, the fact
is that as a result many young people today are psychologically
under-cooked - which can be seen in rising rates of anxiety, substance misuse and eating disorders, and in some cases depression,
34

self-harm and suicidal thoughts. It seems that many adolescents
lack the important life skill of resilience - the capacity to face,
overcome and be strengthened by adversity.
To put it simply, the developmental stages have somehow got
out of whack. So, as likely as not, you've already been confronted
by a fully 'developed' mid-teen, complete with hipster jeans and
pierced navel, but with the cognitive capacity of a 10-year-old. A
souped-up car with all the extras - but the driver has no licence.
Today some young people merely dip their toes ever so briefly in
the waters of the latency period, before a combination of external
factors (especially peer and media pressures, which are contributing
to early sexualisation), lures them prematurely into adolescence.
Others go straight from Hi-5 to Beyonce, bypassing the latency
phase altogether.



A decline in social connectedness

The last few years have also seen a decline in 'social capital' defined
by the World Bank as 'the institutions, relationships and

35

norms that shape the quality and quantity of a society's social
interactions . . . the glue that holds them together'. Professor
Gordon Parker, head of the Royal Prince Alfred's Black Dog
Institute (which specialises in mood disorders), says: 'There used
to be mooring posts in our community. You grew up with an affiliation
in a particular suburb and church. Now mooring posts have
become rare. For a while the RSL replaced the church, but what
will replace RSLs?' According to US sociologist Professor Robert
D. Putnam, getting involved in organised groups or voluntary
work can have a significant positive impact on both individuals
and community life, making us happier, healthier and more productive.
This is particularly relevant for teenage girls, as research
by US psychologist Sonya Lyubomirsky suggests that those who
do charitable work are happier than those who don't. No doubt
for these sorts of reasons, many secondary schools require their
students to undertake periodic community work.
Social fragmentation has also resulted in the decline of kinship
networks, in part the result of the population shift from the
country to urban areas (in 1861, 60 per cent of Australians were
36

rural dwellers; a century later, this figure had fallen to 18 per cent,
a dramatic reversal). As elsewhere in the world, the extended
families that traditionally sustained and nurtured Australians
have dissipated, with the result that many parents no longer have
access to the wisdom and support of the previous generation. The
situation is compounded by the fact that since the 1970s , relationships
have become much more fluid, with a strong emphasis on
the individual, a consequent loss of connectedness and commitment
and, until the last couple of years, a falling marriage rate.
How has all this impacted on young women? For one thing,
there is less consistency in parenting styles, which range from what
is, in effect, supervision at a distance - by mobile phone, with
parents imposing few or no limits or demands - to children being
subjected to unprecedented levels of surveillance and control. The
latter approach has resulted from an increasing climate of fear
about the risks 'out there' despite the real social evidence, such
as a hardly reported ABS survey that showed a significant drop in
crime between 2003 and 2004 and an increase in the number of
people who reported that their neighbourhoods were crime-free.
37


'I'm 12 and my parents won't let me do anything! I can't have
a conversation without Mum interrupting; I can't go for walks
with my friends or be left alone at home too long. All they do
is worry. Once Mum said it was because I was a girl and was
too short - I'm 130 cm! It's annoying and embarrassing.'


All young women need independence from their parents for their
psychological and social development. One side-effect of today's
tendency to bubble-wrap girls is that they can feel trapped and
will escape in any way they can. And increasing numbers are
making their escape via cyberspace, which is largely unsupervised:
while they may be prohibited from walking to the local
supermarket, thanks to the internet they can communicate with
anyone and everyone in the 'safety' of their own home. A more
rational approach seems to be in order here.

38

Regardless of the facts, many girls live highly orchestrated lives
(they are driven to school, for example, instead of taking public
transport) - the so-called 'bubble-wrap generation'.



Family changes

Nearly one in two marriages in Australia now ends in divorce.
While the inevitable psychological dislocation is often handled constructively
by both parties, many struggle. In addition, one in four
Australian families are headed by a single parent, and while many
of the affected offspring do very well, research does suggest that
growing up in a single-parent household increases the risk of mental
health problems in young people. We also have a rise in OINKs
(One Income, No Kids) and DINKS (Dual Income, No Kids), a
percentage of whom may have little or no involvement with young
people and so indirectly contribute to the falling number of potential
mentors for young people lacking access to adult guidance.
With at least half a million young people (or more) moving
between two homes each week, the problem of fractured families
39



is often further complicated by lashings of parental guilt. Some
parents seek to 'make it up' to their children by creating a culture
of indulgence - hesitant to use language that reflects their values
or to set limits, which are basic tenets of good parenting. Adversarial
parents may also become locked into a popularity contest,
leaving their offspring with no moral compass - instead indulging
in what I call 'Tamagotchi parenting', where all basic needs are
met instantly but there is little love, guidance or wisdom provided
(see chapter 4 for more about this).
To put it another way, as US satirist P.J. O'Rourke has done,
many parents treat their daughters like dogs: 'Give a puppy her
own set of house keys and put her in front of the TV instead of
taking her for a walk. Let her eat anything that she wants and
house-train herself. Send her to another master for visitation at
the weekends and when she comes into heat, turn her loose in
the pound.' As I've already said, many young people are making
decisions today that their parents used to make for them; they
are being left to their own devices by the adults in their lives long
before they get an opportunity to rebel, as previous generations
40

did. If you feel you might be straying down this path, take some
parenting classes if you have to, and learn how to get involved.


'The reason I'm not too strict with my daughter is that I had a
really strict upbringing myself and I hated my parents. I don't
want my daughter to feel that way about me.'


I've heard this sort of thing from quite a few parents. But it's not
a good idea to try to be a 'cool' mum or dad: it's your job to be
a parent, not a friend. You may find it hard to believe, but your
daughter is more likely to feel resentful towards you in the long
term if you fail to set any limits at all and simply let her have her
way on everything now.



Increased peer contact

This is the most tribal generation Australia has seen, in that they
have unprecedented access to each other 24 hours a day via
mobile phones, SMS and the internet. Previous generations had

41

to limit their socialising to the (shared) family phone, or wait until
they got to school or the weekend came around. Digital technology
has also given today's adolescents much more privacy, as their
communications take place out of earshot, and often out of sight,
of their parents. Their peers thus become a 'second family' and
often a young person's most precious resource, thus weakening
traditional parent-child links.



The prevalence of recreational drugs

Binge-drinking and illicit drug use among young people is
higher today than ever before. Many health professionals believe
that girls who feel good about themselves are less likely to take
drugs and, similarly, argue that the more miserable young people
are the more likely they are to abuse drugs in some form of self
medication - in other words, to kill their psychological pain. Some
experts suggest that the use of recreational drugs by young people
with a genetic propensity to mental health problems is responsible
not just for an increased prevalence of these disorders but also

42

for the fact that they are occurring in much younger people. (For
more suggestions about this knotty topic, see chapter 6.)



Under-fathering

Many girls today lack appropriate and constructive male role
models in their daily lives. Fathers may be absent, present only
irregularly, or simply unavailable emotionally, owing to family
breakdown or because their lives are focused on their career
and/or material ambitions. With a greater focus on individualism,
more and more fathers lack Professor Parker's community
'mooring posts' and are retreating instead to the pub or club. In
some cases, long work hours have supplanted many traditional
social, family and leisure activities. In the safety of therapy, some
men confess that the traditional family set-up in which they find
themselves has become a barrier to achieving their hopes, dreams
and aspirations, especially that of accumulating wealth.
Girls in a father-free situation may come to rely on alternative,
often unbalanced, models of masculinity, which abound in
43


the media and popular culture. Such models too often illustrate
characteristics such as difficulty expressing feelings, concern with
power and status, homophobia, anti-authoritarian bravado, and
the reduction of sex to a 'sport'. Even where a male role model
is available, he is often out of touch with the new social realities
girls are faced with at school and beyond. In some families and
communities (including schools), notions passed on to girls about
appropriate masculinity are often still based on outdated, unequal
power relationships between men and women. There is much that
needs to be done about this, both at home and in schools.



That's all very nice, you may be thinking. But even if I can see that
this is why things have changed, it doesn't necessarily help me
know how to understand, let alone handle, my resident princess.
Well, the following chapter has some suggestions to offer.

45

Chapter 3
Enter Princess Bitchface

Do you have a princess in the house?

The story of Nirvana on page 46 is an extreme example of the Princess
Bitchface Syndrome, but from my experience it is clear that
this sort of situation is not unique. At one end of the spectrum
is the mild-mannered irritant who displays quite normal teenage
behaviours. At its most extreme, the Princess Bitchface Syndrome
is an acute disturbance of this natural phase of separation. But there
are several techniques that are common to most adolescent girls.


Learnt helplessness

This involves acting helpless and dependent, so parents feel sympathetic
and end up doing things for them - from homework
assignments to chores around the house. Princess B effectively
teaches her parents not to expect a whole lot from her, and may
keep it up until she's had an apartment and car bought for her.



46

'My younger daughter Nirvana and I were always close, so much
so that my friends used to joke that we were joined at the hip.
Then when she got to secondary school everything seemed to
change. She'd bring her school laptop home and would spend all
her time in front of it talking to her friends. She wouldn't do anything
around the house - even load the dishwasher or walk the
dog - and would be rude whenever we asked. I tried to be strict
with her (her father's a business executive and is hardly ever at
home): I made a list of chores and put it on the fridge door, but I
always ended up doing everything myself. Her father and I began
to argue over how best to deal with the situation. I kept hoping it
was hormonal, just a phase, but she became increasingly out of
control. I'm just about at the end of my tether.'


However well-intentioned, Nirvana's parents are partially to blame
for her behaviour. First up, her mother should stop doing the
chores assigned to Nirvana. Both parents need to think about
what it is that Nirvana values, and recognise that a (psychological)

47

carrot is always going to be better than a stick. Smart parents
take the things their children value and make these conditional
upon things they don't value (like doing chores). In Nirvana's
case it's internet chatting, so I'd suggest that the computer be
made unavailable for a time. Nirvana has to learn that when she
chooses bad behaviour, she also chooses the consequences.




The chore dodger

Princess Bitchface will avoid household jobs by telling her parents
that she has too much homework, or an important test the
next day. Alternatively, she will simply organise her life so that
she is conveniently absent when she knows it is time to do things such as the dishes or cleaning up.


Keeping up with the Joneses

This tactic is designed to appeal to parents' competitive and
social sensibilities by telling them that 'everybody else' has got a
particular model of mobile phone or an iPod, and/or is allowed

48

to go to the upcoming music festival. This is the time-honoured If you really loved me . . .' technique and seeks to induce parental
guilt.


Divide and rule

A particular favourite of mine, this is where Princess Bitchface,
having observed for a while the pattern of interparental dialogue,
picks out which is the weaker parent and channels all requests
through him/her. Once that parent is hooked this is used to
induce cooperation from the other, who doesn't necessarily agree
but does not want to be seen to spoil the party.


The ambit claim

This involves making an absolutely outrageous request, which
when refused results in feigned disbelief at how unreasonable the
parents are being. This exchange can last days, raising the emotional
temperature in the family to boiling point; then at the last
moment, in an apparent conciliatory gesture, she suggests a compromise
(which was the real goal all the time). It usually appears in

49

the form of 'Well, if I can't do that, can I at least do this?' Parents
are often so battered by the debate they accede to this request.


The distractor

This technique involves choosing a moment when one or both
parents are distracted or really busy, and then asking permission
for something. Often the parents aren't even aware what they've
given permission for, as they weren't really paying attention.


The debater

When confronted, or attempts are made to hold her accountable,
she drags her parents into an endless debate by deftly mounting
an argument that changes the focus from her behaviour to
theirs. Typically she will point out how inconsistent, imperfect
and hypocritical her parents are.


The terminator

This involves a pattern of issuing threats that she knows will push
her parents' buttons: 'I'll run away from home', 'I'II kill myself,

50

'I'll ring the child protection service', and so on. Parents are so
terrified that something dramatic will happen that they invariably
give in.
So how and why does this more-or-less trying transformation
come about? And, more importantly, what can you do when the
tidal wave hits? Often, in working with parents, I give them this Parent-Daughter Power Quiz, asking them to tick either Yes or
No for each of the following questions.

I can prevent my daughter from going out
Yes
No
I can choose my daughter's friends
Yes
No
I can make sure my daughter studies hard
Yes
No
I can prevent her from smoking and drinking
Yes
No
I can stop her listening to loud music
Yes
No
I can prevent her from using illicit drugs
Yes
No
I can prevent her from having sex
Yes
No
I can prevent her from getting pregnant
Yes
No
I can stop her from drink-driving
Yes
No
I can make sure she goes to university
Yes
No
51



If they (or you!) answer 'Yes' to any of the questions, I have to tell
them they are living under an illusion. Parents have no genuine
power over what their adolescent daughters like or feel, where they
go, or what they do when out. This fact does not, however, stop
parents from continuing to attempt to gain the ascendancy using
an assortment of weapons including laying guilt trips, grounding,
humiliation, shouting, threats, and character assassination. Yet the
truth is that such techniques achieve nothing more than short-term,
superficial and limited control, while at the same time running the risk of reaping aggression, insurgence and/or estrangement.
On the other hand, armed with a developmental perspective
(see chapter 4) and with accurate, up-to-date and reliable information,
you will feel - and be - much more in control.



The war of the worlds

Central to the successful navigation of adolescence is the extent
to which each young person's developmental timetable matches
up with the expectations and demands of others. Adolescence

52

has long been a tale of the conflicting pressures of family, school,
peer group and the evolving inner self. Today the battle-lines are
drawn in much the same way, but things are more complicated.
The letters I receive as an Agony Uncle for a girls' magazine tell
of the angst of being still only on the cusp of maturity and yet
being expected to act and dress like a sexy adult - largely because
nowadays they're effectively discouraged in numerous ways from
being children past the age of 10.
One of the main complicating factors is the fact that every day
our daughters are exposed, pretty much as soon as they can read,
to a million and one billboard, TV and magazine ads full of sassy
looking young things and the latest 'It's Hot!' stuff to buy. Music
videos/DVDs and TV soapies have been found to be linked to
unrealistic body images among adolescent girls (and, though to
a lesser extent, boys). Add to this mix powerful electronic media
such as the internet and mobile phones, and it's easier to understand
how today's adolescents are being catapulted at warp speed
into a culture of entitlement and consumerism. And the silver
bellybutton hoops, low-slung jeans and tough-girl necklaces are
53


by no means the preserve of teenagers - witness merchandising
such as the Bratzpack, which is pitched at girls under 10.
So the colliding worlds of Princess Bitchface are further confused
by other external pressures as well. But an understanding
of the conflicting worlds she inhabits simultaneously is useful for
an insight into the competing demands on her - and the confused and confusing behaviour that results from this.


Around 40 per cent of Australian children aged 8-17 use instant
messaging (the figure is 56 per cent for 13-year-olds), and most
use MSN. Adolescent girls on average spend two hours more
than boys online per month, and their usage of instant messaging
is higher too.



Her family world

In the quest for emotional and psychological independence
from their parents, adolescent girls may vacillate between their
yearning for the safe dependence of childhood and their need

54

to be autonomous, but more often than not the latter will win
out and they may appear hostile and uncooperative. So in each
household evolves a creature of light or a creature of darkness,
depending on the way in which the adolescent deals with this
separation - which in turn depends on a variety of factors including
personality, intelligence and temperament.
In trying to deal with their unacceptable feelings of love for and
dependence on their parents, some adolescent girls become stuck in
a groove of conflict with everything and everyone in their orbit. This
can result in a three- to five-year period of psychological warfare
that can be frightening in its intensity. In the most extreme cases
the family finds itself living with a girl on the edge, whose rebellion,
in overdrive, fuels a pattern of self-destructive behaviour - an
emotionally starved young woman who knows only that she needs,
without understanding what she needs. And the more Princess B
feels she is losing control, the more aggressive her physical and verbal
behaviour tends to become. At worst, she will keep up a snide
commentary targeting her parents, and in the process she will sus out
their most sensitive buttons and press them over and over again.
55



More often than not the clash is greatest between daughters
and mothers. Chalk and cheese are the principal ingredients of
this conflict - mother and daughter, once so emotionally intertwined,
suddenly find themselves on different planets. One
is trying desperately to get answers and information, while the
other rejects and/or ignores such overtures as if they are intrusive
telemarketing calls. Usually the only parent who may escape for
a while is the father. This is because, while adolescent girls can
have good relationships with their fathers, with few exceptions
the attachment to their mother is far stronger and therefore they
must be far more negative in order to deny the potency of that
tie. So, teenage girls are generally able to maintain closer connections
with their fathers (assuming that Dad hasn't, in the face of
this familial warfare, beaten a retreat to work or the pub), who
are accordingly often in a better position to negotiate a cease-fire,
especially if they use youth-friendly communication.
If it seems at times that her friends are more important to her
than you are, that she can talk more easily to her schoolmates than
to you, it is because her friends give her a sense of identity and help
56

her along the path to independence so that she will ultimately be
able to function on her own. Thus friendships are pivotal in that
the peer group can act as a psychological anchor while she is separating
from the old ties.


'My daughter and I always seem to be fighting these days. She's
sometimes so pigheaded and rude that I can't help getting angry
and yelling. Nine times out of ten she loses it too and just yells
back. It's like a vicious circle.'


It's not at all unusual for teenage girls to fight with their fathers.
But to say that you can't help yourself isn't true: it's a matter of
choice. You can choose to respond by yelling, in which case she
will just do the same. If you really want to change the pattern that
has developed, make a different choice - to walk away. Rather
than responding in a negative way, simply say in a clear, non
aggressive voice, 'I don't want to argue right now. I'll come back
when things have calmed down'. Try it!

57


There is some solace for parents trying to cope with this
phase, in that all this adolescent insurgence is actually - as we
have seen - a normal developmental process. Despite the 'disturbance
in the force' that families characteristically live through,
experience shows that most young people eventually adopt the
values of their parents, and when they finally do so it is usually a
more wholehearted acceptance than would have been the case if
they had not challenged those views in the first place.


Her school world

At school, she also has challenges to face. It is about now that she
must adjust to increased cognitive demands in the classroom. From
the middle years the curriculum frequently includes more abstract,
demanding material, and since not all adolescent girls develop formal
thought processes at the same rate, this may be frustrating. In
addition, she must expand her verbal skills to accommodate these
more complex concepts and tasks, not only at school but also as
she prepares for life as an adult. The limited language of childhood
is no longer adequate. Some early adolescents may appear

58

less competent than their peers because of their inability to express
themselves meaningfully.
It is also at this stage that your daughter is expected to develop
vocational goals. As part of the process of establishing her own
identity, she is often asked to focus on the question 'What do you
plan to be when you grow up?', to identify, at least at a preliminary
level, what she wants to do and how she intends to achieve
this. Given what we now know about brain development, this is
both premature and unfair.
Problems can arise at school around this time when teachers
and/or other staff forget that young women tend to develop sensitivity
to control, and conflict is not uncommon.
On another level, for adolescent girls school is a social minefield
- the daily setting for peer-group interaction. It's mostly
about who has power and who doesn't, who's in and who's out,
who's cool and who's not. Of course, schools vary and some
cohorts within schools are amazingly civilised and develop an
exceptionally positive ethos as the result of the particular mix of
students in any one year.
59
'My daughter has just started Year 12. She's anxious already
because she wants to work in the film industry and she knows
it's an extremely hard field to get into. She has to do out-of-school
classes as well as her normal school work, so she's spending
much less time with her friends and says they are feeling hurt.
What can we suggest to make her less stressed?'


The key to success in the final year of school is finding a balance
between being focused, disciplined and working hard, and having
time for a social life. If your daughter can establish a study routine,
always studying at the same time and in the same place, her
friends will come to know when she's available to socialise and
when she's not. Letting them know that she is working to a timetable
but has left times free to be with them is a vital step in allaying
everybody's anxiety. If they are true friends they'll understand.



Often parents are unaware of how their daughters are treated
at school or how they treat others, as some girls construct a social

60

bubble around themselves as part of the emancipation process.
As a result, parents may remain unaware of the nature and extent
of their personal relationships until something untoward happens,
such as them not sticking to a curfew, coming home drunk
or stoned, or being assaulted.


Her peer world

Although peer interaction is not, of course, unique to adolescence,
it seems to hit a peak of importance during the early and middle
stages. The degree to which girls are able to develop stable and
constructive friendships, and have an accepting peer group, is a
major indicator of how well they will function and adjust in other social and psychological spheres.
The peer world of girls has been less of a mystery since
Rosalind Wiseman's excellent book Queen Bees & Wannabes was
published in 2002. Wiseman examined the factional groups that
girls typically form, and the different, hierarchical roles within
them. Such cliques can be found within every year level, within
every school, to some degree. They function, according to Wise61

man, like 'a platoon of soldiers who have banded together to
navigate the perils and insecurities of adolescence'.
These cliques are where teenage girls learn about friendships
and power. Depending on a girl's personality, temperament and
emotionally maturity, this group can exert a major influence on
who she does or does not talk to, which subjects she chooses,
what after-school activities she engages in, her choice of boyfriend,
how she wears her hair, and her values and beliefs - it can,
in large part, determine her sense of self. For this reason, providing
as it does a sort of second family, the clique can weaken the
parent-daughter bond: it is likely to be the peer group, rather
than parents, to whom girls turn when in trouble. Cliques also
have a bearing on girls' relationships with boys. Having a boyfriend
increases a girl's sense of self-worth and her status with her
peers, although some girls will, in order to please a boy, sacrifice
their friendships with their same-sex friends.
The relationships within the group are sophisticated and
multilayered, and every member knows that her position is precarious
and may change at any time. Ask the staff at any girls'
62

school across Australia, and you'll discover that most year levels
have one or two dominant alpha females who vie for power.
Wiseman's Queen Bee is most likely to be Princess Bitchface
at home, as the techniques she uses to manipulate family members
are the same ones she employs to control her friends. She
invariably has good looks and charisma, loves being the centre
of attention, can be extraordinarily assertive, and wields an
almost hypnotic power over others in the clique. She seeks to
weaken any potentially threatening alliances/friendships in order
to strengthen her own power and influence. She will ignore and
exclude anyone she does not deem worthy of being in her in
group. She will often seek to destabilise peers by being nice to
them one day and unpleasant the next, so that they never know
where they stand. Another technique is to be particularly nice
to one person as a means of snubbing another. Despite all these
characteristics, she often slips under the adult radar and may be
seen by adults as clever and charming.
The Queen Bee's position of power is maintained by a secondin-command
described by Wiseman as the Sidekick, who dotes
63

on and is ferociously loyal to her leader. The Sidekick tends to
obtain her power and status directly from her association with
the Queen Bee and generally adopts her 'look' and mannerisms.
Together they intimidate and victimise other girls.
The next in line Wiseman calls the Banker. Smart, but usually
quiet and apparently benign, she realises that information is the
chief currency in Girl World and so makes sure she's always in
the know. Her power resides in her ability to get others to confide
in her. She is everyone's friend, while constantly 'banking'
information that she can (and does) at some stage use to her own
advantage. While she avoids overt conflict, if she plays her cards
right she can become very powerful and a significant threat to the
Queen Bee.
And so the hierarchy continues: there's the Messenger, the
Floater, the Torn Bystander, the Pleaser/Wannabe and, of course,
the Target - whose titles more or less speak for themselves.
A feature of interactions between adolescent girls is that any
aggression is expressed covertly. While boys may act out hostile
feelings and even come to blows, it is over quickly and usually
64

What to do if your daughter is in a clique?
The main thing to remember is that parents do matter. You might
feel rejected at this time, but you are essential to your daughter if
she is to navigate adolescence safely.
If you have a girl at the top of the heap, don't forget that those
in a position of privilege don't like to be told they should change,
nor do they believe there really is a problem. Affirm her, but hold
her accountable: 'I love you, but I don't love your behaviour.'
Don't feel guilty. She's not necessarily a bad person and
you're not a bad parent, but it is your job to point out what is going
on and how it can impact on others. And be aware that being in
the top clique can create a susceptibility to health-compromising
behaviours such as early sexual activity and substance abuse.
Bear in mind, too, that she no doubt knows this sort of life is
a house of cards, which may cause anxiety. Remind her that
popularity can come at a high price. There are advantages to
being a Floater, for example, who is free to be genuine rather
than living simply to please others.
65



that is the end of the matter. Girls are a different story-for
them outright aggression is still considered unacceptable (the
'sugar 'n' spice' stereotype being alive and well, though physical
abuse among adolescent girls is said to be on the increase), so she
will rely more on psychological devastation: dirty looks, taunting
notes and ostracism. The letters I receive at my magazine column
suggest a consistent perception that expressing rage directly can
result in the loss of relationships with others and that the prospect
of isolation petrifies girls. There is an innate conflict between
their feelings of anger towards their peers and their supposed
social role as caretakers obliged to sacrifice their own needs for
others. 'Cool' girls have lots of friends and typically don't involve
themselves in direct conflict.
The fear of confrontation makes anger a circular issue that
increases the scope of the conflict and causes girls to use relationships
as weapons. Although the weak will more often be preyed
upon, this sort of 'relational aggression' (the psychological term)
is less about external characteristics and more to do with conflict
that has not been addressed directly and openly. In other words,
66

girls tend not to get closure on the conflict because they don't
have the opportunity to express their anger in a healthy, fulfilling
way. They must be 'friends', superficially at least, with everyone.
As a result, resentments often linger, leading to grudges and, in
some cases, future acts of vengeance. At home, the intensity of
conflicts with parents can often be sourced to the pent-up frustration
adolescent girls feel at school.


Her inner world

Now it's official: girls are more emotional, manipulative and
moody than their male counterparts. Unfortunately for parents
of more demanding daughters, female brains are predisposed to
excel in language, auditory skills, fine motor skills, and attention
to detail. Put simply, girl's brains are more decentralised, using a
variety of parts or locations for a single task, whereas boys only
use one side of their brain and process one thing at a time. Thus
for adolescent girls the combination of biological changes, inbuilt
brain programming, and external factors set the stage for a confused
and at times tumultuous inner world.

67



After a year at high school Bee's new best friend was Kylie, who
was more mature and sophisticated, and had become the single
biggest influence in Bee's life. Kylie was the leader of the Cool
Group, who were everything Bee wasn't but wanted to be. She
soon dumped her primary-school friends, remade her look and
began smoking cigarettes, going to elaborate lengths to hide this
from her non-smoking parents. A clear picture of how this story
could end is dramatically portrayed in the movie Thirteen - a
must-see for any parent!



As we have seen, Princess B is in the process of establishing
herself as an independent individual, while at the same time
consolidating her own social relationships. In addition to a sudden
spurt in physical growth, adolescent girls are able to think
about their world about 18 months earlier than their male peers.
Thinking about more things is a normal part of the maturing process,
but a mature girl is also able to conceive of her social world
with a new level of awareness.
68

On the one hand, she must develop a sense of her own identity.
Up until now she has been chiefly an extension of her parents,
but during adolescence she begins to recognise her uniqueness
and, above all, her separateness from them. She must rethink the
answer to the old questions, 'What does it mean to be me?' and
'Who am I?' This search for identity is one of the central tasks
of adolescence. As the young woman matures, a new way of
thinking about herself emerges. Identity involves developing a
coherent sense of self that persists over time. According to the psychosocial
theory of emotional development proposed last century
by psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, and now widely accepted by many
psychologists, identity must not only be perceived by the individual
but also recognised and confirmed by others, especially peers.
The less coherent this structure is, the more confused your daughter
will be about her own uniqueness and the more she will need
to rely on external sources to evaluate herself. Identity is dynamic,
not static, and the formation of identity during adolescence sets
the stage for continual changes through the adult years.
In addition, an adolescent girl must develop her own set of
69


values and morals. Ideally, during the early stages of moral development
parents provide their offspring with a structured set
of rules about what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and
unacceptable - in essence, a moral compass. Then, inevitably, her
parents' values will come into conflict with those of her peers
and other segments of society. To reconcile such differences, she
restructures her beliefs into a personal ideology. The pressure to
rebel can sometimes be overwhelming, making this potentially a
time of inner turmoil. It can be a total transformation.



The thought processes of Princess Bitchface

So the stage is set for an almighty confrontation between, on the
one hand, a developing young female looking to test the limits
and, on the other, well-intentioned but possibly under-informed
and often inexperienced parents. What often ignites the pubertal
powder keg is that familiar factor: brain-related complications.
All young people are prone at times to unhelpful, distorted
thought processes, which often come to the fore when they are
70

under extreme stress or if they are significantly depressed. It is
as though adolescent girls carry an extra gene that promotes
persistent negative thoughts, so that they often find themselves
locked in a downward spiral that becomes more exaggerated
as anxiety and/or stress increase. Encouraging young people to
think about their thinking is very helpful. While adolescent girls
are unlikely to discuss this with their parents, the website www.
moodgym.anu.edu.au is an extremely useful tool.


'All or nothing' thinking

She thinks in absolutes - people, things or events are black or
white, good or bad, with no middle ground. She tends to pronounce
judgement using general labels: 'She's a slut', 'She's a
loser ', 'He's a nerd'. She will condemn others on the basis of a
single encounter or occasion.


Carmel's parents were keen to have her broaden her interest, so
they took her to a local dance studio. She attended one class but
then refused to return, saying that the school was 'gay' and she
would never go back.

71



Catastrophising

She tends to magnify and exaggerate the importance of events,
anticipating how awful or unpleasant they will be. She constantly
predicts that negative things will happen, constantly overestimating
the chances of a disaster. If she does suffer a setback, she will view
it as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.


Naomi is a Year 11 student who has a major test next week. Her
parents know that she has studied hard for it, but Naomi is in a
panic because she has convinced herself she will fail and that this
will set the trend for this and her final year, and that she will probably
die lonely and poor.


Negative focus

She focuses on the negative, ignoring or misinterpreting the positive
aspects of a situation - or, indeed, the facts. She sees only
the weaknesses of those around her, and forgets or ignores their
strengths. If her parents do anything positive, she filters out and
rejects this and focuses exclusively on the down side.

72

Charlotte has been trying to lose weight. She was 'good' all last
week, but yesterday she blew it and had a piece of cake for dessert.
She feels like such a loser! She's convinced she can't do anything
right. She has spent the day mulling over the fact that she shouldn't
have eaten that piece of cake. She's decided to go off her diet and eat
the whole thing, then start the diet all over again tomorrow.


Jumping to conclusions

She interprets things negatively, even though there are no definite
facts. She starts predicting the future and takes on the mantle of
mindreader. She constantly predicts that bad things will happen.


Toni is giving a speech in front of her class. A girl towards the back
of the classroom yawns, so Toni goes home convinced that it was a
terrible speech and that the entire audience was bored.


Living by fixed rules

She tends to have fixed rules and unrealistic expectations, regularly
using words like 'should', 'ought', 'must' and 'can't'. This

73

leads her to be constantly disappointed and angry with those in
her orbit.


Jane is kept waiting at school when her mother gets stuck in a traffic
jam. Mum's mobile has died, so she can't call Jane to let her know
she's running late. It starts to rain and with each passing second Jane becomes increasingly tense and angry. 'Why am I left standing
here? Why didn't Mum ring? She's always late. She'd never do this
to Priscilla (Jane's older sister) . . .'

75

Chapter 4
Some parenting principles


'The thing that impresses me most about America is the way
parents obey their children.'
Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957



In some ways, it would seem from the Duke of Windsor's comment
that things have not changed all that much. But in this scary, post9/11,
post-modern world, the challenges faced by young women
and their parents are overwhelming and constant. The Princess
Bitchface Syndrome could be seen as just one consequence of
the fact that many young women are growing up lacking the firm
discipline, support and nurturing they so badly need, especially at
this time of their lives. While many parents have great intentions,
it seems that an increasing number raise their teenage daughters
via a curious mix of improvisation and hope.


76

Of course, all healthy teenage girls will test the boundaries
once in a while - not least in order to ascertain where the boundaries
are and to see if they are still being enforced. This is also an
opportunity for parents to determine whether previously established
boundaries might need to be adjusted.
But it seems that some otherwise-rational parents so indulge
their daughters that they have lost sight of the demands being
made on their time and energy, and of the challenging behaviours
on display not just at home but also at school and in public
places, from doctor's waiting-rooms to bus-stops and shopping
malls. These parents seem to develop blinkers that can block out
signs in their daughters of behaviour problems or even incipient
mental-health disorders that can potentially exclude them from
normal relationships with family and friends and at school.
When I misbehaved in my youth, my father just had to look
at me in a stern way and I'd stop. Today's parents can look and
look, because the average adolescent (male or female) will look
straight back (and, as likely as not, roll their eyes). This, surely,
is not the way things should be. We have arrived at a time and
77


place where sometimes the fundamentals of parenting, in so far
as I understand them - things like ensuring adequate sleep, good
nutrition, exercise and fresh air -- are no longer givens, because
many parents hesitate to insist on them in case their offspring
doesn't agree. Saying 'No' seems harsh or overly authoritarian. If
we continue down such a path, we are failing in our responsibilities
as parents to establish guidelines, to teach moral and ethical
values. Worse, these girls will not learn problem-solving strategies,
how to be responsible and to develop the internal resources
to manage stress, loss, failure and disappointment (simple facts
of life as we grow up), and so almost any bump in their road will
knock them sideways.



What's your parenting style?

As I outlined in Surviving Adolescents, every adult has a parenting
script they learnt when they were being brought up, which often
governs how we parent our own offspring.
A parenting script has two main components: how responsive
78

parents are, and how demanding. Being responsive means intentionally
fostering a sense of individuality and self-regulation in your
child; being attuned, supportive, and attentive to his or her special
needs. The 'demanding' component (which is where many parents
fall down) refers to the amount of control we exert over our
children: it involves monitoring, providing adequate supervision,
negotiating and consistently following through on a discipline system
centred on the notion of accountability.
In some cases, unfortunately, the parenting scripts we follow
or inherit are simply incompatible with the circumstances, like
trying to use Windows 98 with XP. Social scientists have invented
various names for the different parenting styles they have encountered,
but they boil down to four characteristic approaches indulgent,
authoritarian, authoritative and uninvolved - each of
which is the product not just of our own experience of being
parented, but also of both parents' values and the practices and
behaviours that flow from these. Here's my take on these styles: Turtle (indulgent) parents are more responsive than demanding.
They are light-heartedly satirised in movies like the 2004
79


comedy Mean Girls (which was based on Wiseman's Queen
Bees & Wannabes). These parents are easygoing, lenient, often
unconventional, do not practise or expect mature behaviour,
and allow considerable self-regulation. They avoid confrontation,
and hide in their shell when conflict arises. Turtle parents
can be conscientious, engaged and committed to their daughter,
but their main aim is to be her best friend. Rambo (authoritarian) parents are commanding and controlling,
providing a well-ordered and structured environment
with clearly stated rules. They tend to be very decisive, but
are not responsive - they seek acquiescence and immediate
compliance, and expect their orders to be obeyed without
explanation. They demand conformity, call for deference, and
reward docility and dutifulness.
Watchdog (authoritative) parents are both demanding and
responsive. They impart and monitor clear standards for their
children's conduct. They are firm, but not intrusive or restrictive:
their disciplinary methods are supportive rather than
punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as
80

socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as co-operative.
They expect accountability and use consequential learning. Tamagotchi (uninvolved) parents are generally neither responsive
nor demanding. They believe that once their daughter
can fend for herself their job is to provide the necessities
(food and shelter) but there is little or no emotional input.


One key difference between Rambo and Watchdog parenting is
in the area of psychological control. Rambo parents expect their
offspring to accept their judgements, values and goals without
question. Watchdog parents, on the other hand, while expecting
their children to behave appropriately and obey the rules, are
more open to give-and-take and give calm explanations of the
rationale behind the limits and boundaries.


A Watchdog parent:
says 'No' when it's appropriate, even though saying yes would
be much easier
81


recognises that parents have rights
is non-manipulative
offers empathy rather than just sympathy
encourages strength not weakness
encourages free choice and the learning that comes from
making mistakes
uses consequential learning (which says, 'If you eat toast in
bed, you must sleep with the crumbs')
demands responsible behaviour



As you have probably gathered, I believe that Watchdog
parenting is the most successful approach and results in happy
young people. Even if you only start to practise it now (rather
than in the early years, which is of course preferable), it may be
more difficult but you will have a better chance of keeping your
daughter safe (see chapter 6) and countering the development of
the Princess Bitchface syndrome.
82

New times require new approaches

Most parents recognise that their style of discipline has to change
when their offspring become teenagers. In childhood, children
are free to love and depend on their parents and they are happy
to let their mums and dads make all the decisions, but obviously
the arrival of adolescence requires a different approach. It's much
easier if you think of your role in terms of guiding them towards
adult life and being clear about what the boundaries are, while not
enforcing them in a dictatorial way. Giving a teenager an order or
demanding that they comply is usually doomed to failure and can
lead to battles that are best avoided.
The most successful parenting style is based on a 'developmental
perspective'. This means thinking back to how you felt
as a teenager and trying not to be too judgemental about your
daughter's conduct, being tolerant about the mildly irritating
behaviours that are common to young people.
Most adolescents will try out new ideas that may be unacceptable
to their parents - this is part of the process of forming their
own identity, rather than a deliberate attempt to annoy you. A warm
83



relationship is ideal, but sometimes parents have to do things that
their offspring won't like or understand. While some conflict and
battles are inevitable, much of the low-level skirmishing represents
a routine struggle for increased independence and autonomy. Your
adolescent may, for instance, refuse to do something that seems to
require very little effort: she drops her coat in the hallway instead of
hanging it up; she won't write a thank-you note to a grandparent,
however often you ask. Not only do simple things like this seem to
her to demand too much exertion, but - much like a toddler - she
has become very aware of her increased independence and widening
range of choices. She says 'No' simply because she can.



It's a confidence trick

In a 2005 study undertaken by the Australian Childhood Foundation,
38 per cent of parents surveyed said parenting did not come
naturally to them and 63 per cent were 'concerned about their
level of confidence as parents'. Asked what strategies they used
to teach children the difference between right and wrong, 98 per

84

cent thought it was about making children feel loved, spending
time with them, and setting a good example; 82 per cent favoured
rewarding good behaviour; and 78 per cent said they reasoned
with their children. All are admirable practices, but such an
approach is unlikely to be effectual unless it is backed by firm
discipline (which only half of the surveyed parents employed).
So why the decline in parental confidence? Why are so many
parents afraid to set any kind of rules, limits or boundaries for
their children? To me the answer lies in the permissive-parenting
approach advocated by US paediatrician Dr Benjamin Spock in
the 1950s and 1960s as a reaction against the authoritarian child
rearing practices of the past. The self-confessed insecurity of
parents and their hunger for guidance indicate that these tactics
simply have not worked. Many parents in the 21st century seem
to be living in a vacuum of quiet desperation. The problems in
schools as hapless teachers try to discipline kids whose parents
can't (or won't) control them, and the pressure on doctors to prescribe
drugs to regulate these children's objectionable behaviour,
are symptoms of the problem.
85

Like British 'Supernanny' Jo Frost in her approach to younger
children, I feel it's time to bring some old-fashioned commonsense
back into the parenting of adolescents, to reintroduce notions such
as 'unacceptable behaviour', 'right and wrong' and 'discipline'.
Some childcare experts disapprove of the Supernanny's methods,
but this is to some extent to be expected: after all, these experts
could be said to have a vested interest, having largely replaced
mothers, grandmothers and neighbours as dispensers of child
rearing advice. Yet the evidence suggests that their theories are the
reason a generation of parents don't trust their own instincts.



Five key parenting principles

1 Parents have rights
Your daughter's transition from girlhood to adolescence can
be a very trying time. The innocence of childhood gives way to
opinions - a lot of opinions. As parents we are faced with obsolescence,
in that she feels she is no longer in need of guidance,
yet we still need to set limits and boundaries because her voice
86

of reason is yet to develop. Put simply, parents have the right to
point out that there are lines that aren't to be crossed and that if
they are there will be consequences to be faced. All parents have
the right (and obligation) to keep their daughters safe.


2 It's only a phase
It can be helpful to remember that we, too, struggled to find our
footing gracefully. The passage from dependence to independence
is awkward, to say the least, and rarely accomplished without some
over-reaction by both parties. These feelings usually pass over time,
but until they do you should avoid asking questions such as 'What
is the matter with you?' and 'What's suddenly got into you?' Not
only are these unanswerable, but they only aggravate the situation.
Even if she does know what the problem is, she's hardly likely to
say, 'Look, I am torn by conflicting emotions, affected by structural
changes in my brain, engulfed by irrational urges and confused
by raging hormones.' It's up to you to accept the behaviour as
supportively but unobtrusively as possible, unless the manifestations
continue over a prolonged period or seem severe.
87



The most important thing to keep in mind is (as illustrated by
the mother's story at the beginning of this book) that this is just a
stage, not unlike 'the terrible twos'. The reason the adolescent phase
is harder to handle is the volatile mix of factors we looked at earlier
(the mismatch of physical and mental development, parental guilt
over being time-poor, peer pressure, media influences, the rise of
the most tribal generation ever). The best way forward is for parents
to learn to gradually relinquish control to its rightful owner, and
for the young woman to learn to accept this responsibility without
abusing it. However unlikely it may seem at times, the fact is that this
emotional battle of wills will come to a natural, healthy end as your
girl is replaced by the fine young woman she is destined to become.


3 Communication is the key
How you express yourself and what you say to your daughter,
especially when you are angry, can inhibit your relationship with
her. It's important, from the moment she is able to string two
words together, to be able to talk to your daughter about everyday
issues like school, sport, music and hobbies. If you don't talk
88 \

to her about these things it will be harder for her to discuss the
things that worry her later on.
And this is a two-way street: if while she is growing up
she remembers you as always being prepared to listen (in a non
judgemental manner) without trivialising or over-reacting, there is
a much greater chance of keeping the communication lines open.
Try to lower your voice rather than raise it, and to maintain eye
contact and, if possible, non-threatening physical contact. The only
way your daughter will respect your views is if you value hers. By
engaging in discussions about sex and drug issues at home, you will
have more opportunities to offer guidance on the subject. (And to
give good guidance on sensitive issues, try to be as informed as possible:
see the Resources section at the end of the book.)


4 Disrespect is not proof of independence
Adolescents have not yet learnt the delicate balancing act of diplomacy
- and be clear, it is a learnt art. If your daughter expresses her
lust for independence by a lack of respect and consideration for
others, inside or outside the family, this should not be ignored.
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'My husband and I both have demanding jobs and we feel a bit
guilty about often being home late and not having much "family
life" with our 14-year-old daughter Mia, On the other hand, we
figure she's doing better than a lot of other kids because she's
pretty free to do what she likes, she gets plenty of pocket money
and we often buy her a surprise to make up for not being around.
But now a friend of mine says Mia's becoming spoilt'


A lot of parents I see make this mistake - that is, they try to win or
buy their daughter's affection and approval. This often seems to
stem, at least in part, from a sense of guilt for not having enough
time to spend with her. If you feel this might be happening in
your household, redefine what taking care of your daughter
means. Consider her emotional and spiritual needs: instead of
using material goods to create a bond between you, make yourself
emotionally available.

90

Disrespect is a sign not of independence but of immaturity (she
is, after all, not yet mature). Accepting, let alone making excuses
for, her bad behaviour will in no way help her find her psychological
footing: you should respond in the same way you would to
any adult who confronted you in an inappropriate manner. If she
does not learn limits from her parents, she is sure to learn them
much later, and much more harshly, from others in society.


5 Life is not a toothpaste commercial
Our primary job is to prepare our daughters for the real world. Not
everyone has pearly white teeth, you don't always get what you want,
and problems can't be solved by spending money. Your daughter
does not have to love you every minute of every day - we all get over
the disappointment of being told 'No'. But she won't find it so easy
to get over the effects of being indulged: delayed gratification is part
of adult life and she will be better equipped to deal with it later if
she's been introduced to the notion while growing up.


Some years ago I read an article in the magazine Nature where
scientists identified an epidemic of 'elephant breakdown', with

91


large numbers of the majestic beasts suffering serious psychological
collapse.
Poaching for ivory has slashed elephant numbers in Africa,
and of those left a proportion are under five years of age, many
of them orphans. In Pilansburg National Park in South Africa,
young elephants began attacking rhinos. These juvenile delinquents
had been raised by inexperienced teenage mothers left on
their own to parent owing to a lack of older elephants. Gangs
of hyperaggressive teenage elephants now roam the park: in one
area 90 per cent of male elephant deaths are caused by other
males - 15 times the normal figure.
Both elephants and humans can on occasions be intelligent,
sociable and affectionate. There are other similarities, with elephants
spending almost as much time as humans in childhood,
living in tight matriarchal groups within which they form strong
social bonds that last a lifetime. The young learn about the world
from their elders, aunts and cousins. When they fail to bond or
attach, the results are catastrophic. Perhaps we have much to
learn from these creatures.
93

Chapter 5
Tried-and-true strategies

So, the secret is to give up trying to control your daughter. It's no
longer desirable, let alone possible, to order her to do things - this
will only bring about battles and even more resistance.
Hopefully, if you don't engage in conflict, she'll eventually
realise that being cooperative isn't a threat to her independence.
If, for example, she never tidies her room, there'll come a point
where she feels so frustrated at not being able to find things (or
simply needs some space to entertain her friends) that she'll have
a massive clear-up. You need to accept that she has the right to
deal with her own room in her own way. If you lead by example,
keeping things elsewhere in the house well organised and tidy, the
chances are that she will eventually do the same. (It also must be
said that some adults have a double standard, accepting a level
of chaos in their own domain but nagging their offspring to keep
to an unrealistic level of tidiness.) You have to learn to let go,


94

to allow your child privacy and space and the right to learn by
her own mistakes. A sensible parent understands this, and avoids
turning everything into a huge issue.



Living with Princess B

If you have got this far into the book, you will have realised that
unlike my father's (and, indeed, my own) childhood - when parents
generally told their offspring what to do and expected them
to obey - in this changing world, young people (female and male
alike) want to have a say in the decisions that affect them.
Being a parent today is difficult. On one hand we're responsible
for our children, but at the same time letting them learn from
their mistakes and experiences is an important part of helping
them grow up. There are more than two and half million teenage
girls in Australia today. While most don't share their parents'
taste in music or hair-care products, or their belief in the need
for common courtesy, the vast majority are reasonable and law
abiding citizens who treat their elders with at least a modicum
95

of respect. There are some, however, who indulge in negative,
attention-seeking behaviours that are challenging to say the least;
and others (in the minority, happily) who exhibit consistent
disrespect with a mixture of verbal and, occasionally, physical
violence, especially when challenged. All parents are entitled to a
decent quality of life and if your daughter's behaviour interferes
with that, you have no choice but to act. This is not a licence
to respond in a bullying manner, or to use sarcasm or putdowns
- no matter how tempted you might be. All adolescents
have an inbuilt sensitivity to being belittled and this will only
escalate the emotional temperature.


Top 10 tips

Over many years of advising the frustrated parents of adolescent
girls, the following seem to be my most consistent suggestions.
In many cases, it must be said, the issue is as much about extinguishing
certain parental behaviours rather than remoulding your
daughter's!

96
1Negotiate the rules
The best approach is for you and your daughter as early as possible
to draw up together any rules that relate to her safety (relating
to sex, alcohol, drugs, curfews, sleep and study). In this way she
will feel she has some ownership of the arrangements and is more
likely to adhere to them. State clearly what the boundaries are, but
be prepared to negotiate and review them from time to time - the
ideal is a gradual loosening of the reins, where you reward compliance
with greater freedom. You might, for instance, insist that
a 14-year-old be home by 10 p.m., but extend the curfew each
year thereafter.

2Use consequential learning
A consequential environment will teach your daughter self-control
and self-discipline. Consequences should be agreed beforehand,
and should be fair and reasonable, as too severe an outcome will
invite her to rebel. (In other words, don't go overboard: if she breaks
a curfew, for example, she might have to stay in the next night but
not for the next month). The system should be used to change
97



behaviour, not to make you feel better by getting revenge. And do
make the consequences natural or logical whenever possible: with
a prepaid mobile rather than an open-ended account, if she overuses
it and keeps running out of credit, she'll find she won't be able
to text her friends; if she continually leaves her belongings all over
the house, they may be picked up and placed in the freezer and/or
a 'butler' charge may be deducted from her pocket money. (There
is a special delight in seeing your daughter heading off to school in
frozen shoes!) When the consequence fits the crime, she is much
more likely to associate the two and remember them. Problems
arise when we seek to protect our daughters from even the most
benign consequences, or interfere with logical ones, so they don't
learn the lesson of natural cause-and-effect but rather that we will
rescue and take responsibility for what happens to them.


3 Don't be a doormat
Nowhere is it written that parents must provide their daughter
with a mobile or an iPod, must spend money on her or give a
reason for not doing so, must pick her up on demand, must drive
98

her or her friends anywhere - in fact, spend time or effort on anything
at all - let alone for someone who cannot be polite or who is
outright abusive (even if you're told that 'everyone' uses that sort
of language). In fact, to protect our own belongings, space, time,
effort, money and dignity, we parents need to have a notion of
ourselves as separate human beings and a sense of self-worth and
self-respect. This is necessary not only for our own mental health
but to model these qualities for our children.


4 Always say what you mean and mean what you say
If you say you will do something and you do it, or you say you
won't do something and you don't do it, you will win your daughter's
trust. In the same way, if you say you will do something but
you don't do it, or you say you won't do something and then you
do it, she will learn you are not to be trusted - you will have no
credibility and she will start to ignore everything you say. Following
through is the means by which you delineate the limit beyond
which you will not let your daughter go. Inconsistent parenting is
a special kind of psychological death.
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5Use non-verbal management strategies (NVMS)
Most adolescent girls become immune to our verbalisations, so
the best way round this is to do something rather than talk about
it. Simply turning off a TV or disabling a computer is far more
memorable than endless 'state of the nation' speeches that all
blend into one. With NVMS she is likely to be caught off-guard
and not be able to muster sufficient objections or negotiate her
way out of the situation. Non-verbal parenting demonstrates that
actions speak louder than words - and, better still, leaves you
with more energy for more enjoyable pursuits.

6Focus on the positives
Trying to eliminate undesirable behaviours - in other words,
teaching her not to do things (for example, borrow things without
asking) - not only opens up an infinite range of behaviours
that you don't want her to engage in, but also involves endless
monitoring for the undesirable behaviour just so you can draw
attention to it. It is a basic rule of behaviour management that
paying attention to a particular behaviour reinforces and is likely
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to increase it. Instead, decide what it is you want her to do and
then state this in positive terms; tell her what you want, not what
you don't want.


7 Use the 'Trudeau' approach
The late Canadian prime minister Pierre Trudeau invoked the
War Measures Act in 1970 in response to terrorist activities by a
breakaway group. This caused some consternation among journalists
and civil libertarians, and one reporter asked him 'How far will
you go?' Trudeau responded with 'Just watch me!' This needs to
be your response when your daughter challenges you with 'You
can't make me'. (Fortunately, like most parents, Trudeau was never
tested to his limits.) Though we know deep down that we can't
actually make anyone do anything, as parents we should never
underestimate our own abilities - or, at least, our offspring's belief
in our abilities. If she sees you as trustworthy and credible, she will
believe that you are willing to follow through, even if she has never
actually seen you do so. Aim to sound convincing, hold your head
up high, make eye contact and don't 'blink' first.
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The Godfather approach
This is nothing to do with concrete slippers or sleeping with the
fishes. If you reach some impasse, why not make your daughter
an offer she can't refuse, in that the alternative is so horrible that
she will voluntarily choose the option you want her to. An adolescent
girl would never choose 'awful' over 'pleasant', but she
may well prefer 'awful' to 'even worse'. As an example: 'You have
a choice - if you log out of the internet when I ask you to, you
may be allowed to go back on next time you want to. If you don't,
I will remove your laptop and it will remain off for a week.' In this
situation it's most likely she will opt for the lesser of the two evils
on offer.



8 Keep calm
When disagreements or out-and-out conflicts arise, don't respond
in an irritated or angry way. Instead, remain calm and lower your
voice rather than raising it - you don't have to yell to prove yourself.
The more you shout, the more she will yell back. Adolescents
102

generally, but girls especially, can't be controlled by authoritarian
methods such as demands, orders and threats. A calm, consistent
and united parental approach will usually reap the desired result.
Having a 'robust discussion' out of the house is a great idea. And
hard as it might be, try to remember that when she acts as if she
hates you, it's more that she is upset and confused, or angry at
your attempts to control her.


9 Make her accountable
As long as she is living under your roof, make it clear that she
must be accountable for her actions, that you do have a right
to monitor what she does and where she goes. However much
you trust her, it's plain crazy to let her loose on the world all at
once without any boundaries. At the same time, when negotiating
what she's allowed to do and where she's allowed to go,
you initially need to believe that she will behave in a judicious
manner and to let her know that you trust her and expect her to
respect this.
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10 Act with conviction, confidence and dignity
Yes, this sounds like a tall order, but the last thing a girl needs is
parents who are afraid of her or who act as unpaid servants. In
these situations kids become intoxicated with the power this gives
them, even though they may superficially appear to be working
very hard to achieve it, because in fact they do not have the skills,
knowledge or experience to handle it. When parents show that
they don't know what to do, that they have no power, or that
they are scared, her natural response is to become stressed and
frightened herself. With many of the girls I see, this results in an
escalation of their acting-out behaviours in order to force their
parents to resume their parenting role.



Establishing the house rules

Many parents harbour real fears that their daughters will suffer
some calamity if they are permitted to go out with friends, attend
concerts, date boys and so on. In the old 'Children should be
seen but not heard' days, it was the norm for parents to impose

104

rules on their children. The conventional contemporary wisdom
is that it is more effective for parents and adolescents to negotiate
rules and sanctions together. To many parents this is an alien


Do your house rules need updating?
It's a good idea to reassess the house rules from time to time, to
see if they're still useful and relevant. Here are some good questions
to start with:
Does our family have too many rules?
Do we feel as if we're always telling our daughter she's done
something wrong?
Do we feel more like behaviour monitors than co-members of
the same family?
Do we find ourselves in power struggles with our teen?
If the answer to these questions is 'Yes', it might be that some
of the rules need to go. In some families, as the girl gets older,
new rules keep getting added but old ones don't get deleted. It
makes for tired parents and frustrated young women.
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concept - almost as if they're capitulating to their offspring. But,
as noted earlier, the reality is that young people are more likely to
stick to an agreement if they have been invited to participate in
constructing it.
Rules are needed in every family so that everyone knows what
is expected of them. This makes the world predictable, and therefore
safer. Girls should know exactly what is expected of them,
such as when homework should be done, when beds should be
changed, what time they should be home, with whom they can
share car rides, whether they should be earning their own spending
money (and during what hours they can earn that money),
and what contribution they should make to family life.


Base the rules on family values

Family values will inevitably influence the house rules. For
instance, in some families it would be important for the whole
family to attend religious services together; in others it might
be optional. Some families might have more laid-back rules
than others do about pocket money, parties or housework. It's

106

important that we parents review our values to see if they really
are values or just traditions. If they really are values, teenage
girls will benefit from having rules that reflect them.


Involve your daughter in creating the rules

Although, as discussed earlier, adolescent girls still need a great
deal of guidance, they are young adults and want to use the skills
and the status they have attained. They want to have some influence
over their lives. If your daughter is complaining about a rule,
it might be worth your while inviting her to talk about how she
would like to see that rule changed. It is crucial to put the onus
on her to convince you: if she offers a thoughtful argument in
favour of changing her curfew from 10 p.m. to midnight, say so
and agree. If she fails to convince, you can tell her so but suggest
that she feel free to come back later with another argument. At
least she will feel listened to and less inclined to enter into the
characteristic power struggle over this issue.

107



Make sure the rules are enforceable

There is no point having rules that you have no ability whatsoever
to enforce, such as rules about who your daughter may associate
with at school. Sometimes parents have so many rules that they
couldn't possibly have time to monitor, let alone enforce, them,
which almost always guarantees that she'll be able to circumvent
them. It's better to have a few rules that are always enforced
than many rules that are enforced haphazardly or not at all. The
same goes for the sanctions when a rule is broken: grounding
your daughter for a month, or banning the internet or TV for
two weeks, might seem like a good idea but is virtually impossible
to police. When sanctions are excessive, not only is she likely to
forget what her crime was but she will focus her hatred on you.
When sanctions are awkward to implement, you run the risk of
not following through, following through intermittently or just
throwing in the towel.

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Spell out in advance the consequences of not following
the rules

Consequences should always be known in advance. If they are
not clearly articulated and anticipated they are seen as punishments,
which doesn't teach your daughter anything except to
avoid the punisher (and, no doubt, to develop revenge fantasies).
If there are too many rules, it's hard to keep track of what the consequences
should be, which is another argument against having
too many rules. Rarely should a teen be 'grounded': if she comes
home later than the agreed time, you can 'respect her decision' to
stay home the next night. Having agreed consequences for infractions
will help her to experience the positives of more freedom,
more responsibility and less parental control.


Keep the rules relevant

It's also important to consider whether existing rules are really
needed, or (as with family values) whether they are based on
tradition-without-consideration. For instance, when your children
were younger it may have been the rule that they cleaned

109

their rooms every Saturday morning, because you were teaching
them about organisation and hygiene. That system might need to
be negotiated once your daughter (or son) reaches adolescence,
as if they haven't learned hygiene by now they aren't going to
learn it by entering into a power struggle about their room. Even
if they have learned organisational skills, it might be more important
that they use these on homework and time management than
on keeping their room neat.



It will take time to relearn the parenting script you inherited and
to confidently implement these new strategies. Many of them may
appear obvious, but under stress good sense can be forgotten.
Parents are allowed to make mistakes: the trick is to learn from
them and not to make the same ones over and over again. Give
yourself time, and do remember that most young people are very
forgiving.

111




Chapter 6
Keeping her safe

Sometimes it seems as if it would be easier to keep our daughters
safe at home until they turn into responsible adults. But if we
did that, they'd never grow up - how could they, if they've never
learned to cope with the world they have to live in? Yet, although
it's impossible to keep an eye on teenagers all the time, it's important
to always know where they are. It's also good to get to know
your children's friends as well as their parents - and don't hesitate
to check with other parents if you want to make sure your
children are where they say they are.
Today there are all sorts of things that parents can become
fearful about as far as their daughters are concerned, such as
bullying at school and peer pressure at an ever-earlier age to
undertake high-risk activities. In addition, as adolescence is a
time of great physical and emotional change, increased stress
and increased peer pressure, mental health problems can also



112

occur. Let's look at some of these, and the best ways of handling
them.



Bullying, girl-style

The chief form of bullying in Girl World is described by psychologists
as 'relational aggression'. It is based firmly in cliques (see
chapter 3) and simply means the ways in which girls manipulate
the social scene to hurt selected peers. Spreading rumours, telling
lies, revealing secrets and 'the silent treatment' are all forms of
relational aggression. This sort of psychological cruelty has both
short- and long-term consequences. So what can be done about it?
When talking to adolescent girls about their experience of
intense bullying, I've often asked them what they wish their parents
would do to make their life easier in such situations. Many
feel their parents have not taken their concerns seriously, trivialising
their pain with platitudes such as 'It's just a phase; it will
pass' or 'She's just jealous'. These girls wanted someone to name
the nature and extent of the loss, to honour their pain for what it
113



was - disturbing, distressing and shattering. It's hard for parents
to just listen and to hold their daughters, but that's exactly what
these girls say they want. The trouble is that research suggests
that up to 50 per cent of victims will tell no one.


Some dos and don'ts
Do listen and feed back. Ask her about her relationships with
other girls, then be quiet and pay attention. Reflect back to her
what you hear, confirming it with statements such as 'Lisa's
been your best friend for so long. That must have hurt.' Show
your empathy by sharing your own stories and experiences.
Do persist if she rejects your overtures, and don't take dismissals
('What would you know?' or 'I don't care anyway')
at face value: she may simply be trying to dull the pain. Keep
asking questions, and stay connected.
Do help her to devise strategies. Often an understanding ear is
all she needs from you, but do give help if she wants it. If, for
example, she is being picked on as she walks home alone, suggest
she walk home with friends. If she wants to confront her
114

aggressor, discuss the best way to do it (pick a time when both
girls are alone, not with friends ) and role-play it a few times. Do teach her to be assertive. One of the best ways to stop gossip
is to confront it early. Suggest that your daughter approach
someone who's spreading gossip and say something like,
'I don't know if this is true, but I heard you said this about me,
and I want it to stop.' Practise with her before she does so. Do encourage success. Girls who excel in some arena, whether
it's sports, art, academic studies, music, drama or another field,
are less susceptible to aggression than other girls. Self-esteem
doesn't drop from the sky, they get it by being good at things. Do challenge her own attitudes. Acknowledge the pervasiveness
of gossip - after all, it is a form of intimacy. How long can
she go without gossiping? Could she and her friends journal
their gossiping (who gossips the most?)? This is both tangible
and eye-opening to adolescents. It is also a way of chronicling
abuse.
Do empower her. Remember that kids themselves are our most
powerful weapons; teens listen to other teens. Encourage her
115



to stand up for victims by not jumping on the bandwagon: she
can help effect change by doing simple things like refusing
to be an 'audience' for a bully, walking away, not gossiping
or participating in on-line hostilities. Not going along with
the abuse does not necessarily mean publicly standing up for
the victim. A first step is to stand outside the tide of aggression,
which may encourage others to do so too. Once people
stop participating, the dynamics change - often the abuse just
dies, or it can be publicly challenged.
Don't trivialise her pain. Comments like 'It was probably just
a joke' or 'She can't be a real friend if she behaves like that'
all miss the point. They only prove to your child how out of
touch you are.
Don't intervene with the bully's parents unless it's absolutely
necessary. This is sure to embarrass her and suggests you don't
have confidence in her ability to handle things herself. If you
must intervene, begin discreetly, with someone at her school
who you're comfortable about approaching.
116


Approaching school when your daughter is being bullied

This is not easy, not least because describing events secondhand is
difficult, particularly since most of these acts are subtle and indirect
forms of aggression. In addition, many parents find it difficult
to express their concerns and tend to be either very apologetic or
too aggressive; they may also engage in character assassination of
the girls in question, rather than focusing on their behaviour. It's
all too easy in such situations to get labelled an 'hysterical parent'
who is overreacting to her daughter's social shortcomings. A
smarter approach is to document your concerns via an email to
the teacher, copied to the year level co-ordinator and/or deputy
principal, with a request to meet. At the meeting, calmly discuss
with the teacher your concerns about what is happening, and
ascertain whether he/she was aware of the interaction and the
impact on the victim. If the situation continues after the meeting,
seek a discussion with someone with more authority. Among
other things, ask if your daughter can switch classes, because a
great deal of social chemistry, particularly in school, forms along
classroom lines.

117


Sex matters

If most episodes of Desperate Housewives leave you wanting to
cover your daughter's eyes and ears, you aren't alone. Yet, research
suggests that TV and other media are today a chief source of sex
'education' for children. And it seems that adolescents exposed
to sexual material are more likely to become sexually active at
a younger age. For example, Professor George Patton of Melbourne's
Centre for Adolescent Health estimates that about one in
five young people are having sex before they are 14. While a 2002
La Trobe University survey found that adolescent knowledge about
sexuality and sexual health was generally good, it also revealed a
worrying connection between alcohol and sex, with more than one
in four sexually active Year 10 students (girls and boys) saying they
were drunk or drug-affected the last time they had sex.
Here, as in most situations, communication is the key. Never
miss an opportunity to talk with your daughter about sex. Remember,
research also tells us that girls who feel they can talk about sex
with their parents - because their parents speak openly and listen
carefully to them - are less likely to engage in risky behaviours
118

than are those who feel they can't discuss these things at home.
An uncomfortable moment in a TV soapie could lead to a great
discussion about puberty, peer pressure or even love; a news item
might raise the topic of drug abuse.
Make sure you share your values about sex with your daughter.
Many people feel very uncomfortable talking to their offspring
about sexual matters, but the more you examine the subject the
more confident you'll feel discussing it. Always try to answer any
questions honestly and appropriately.
Many girls gradually become more self-conscious each year,
so the earlier you do all this the better.


Dos and don'ts
Do make sure you make a connection between sex and love,
using everyday events in the family, such as a wedding or a
birth, to discuss love and responsibility to others.
Do respect your daughter's growing need for privacy - most
become extremely embarrassed about nakedness (yours as
well as their own).
119


Do demonstrate that you trust your daughter to behave
responsibly in sexual matters. This should act as an incentive
for her to live up to your expectations. Constant prying or
suspicion will have the opposite effect.
Do give clear information about behaviour that's appropriate
in any sexual situations - emphasising that her body is
private and no one has the right to do anything she doesn't
want or to make her feel uncomfortable. Giving your daughter
this information early means that she'll be less vulnerable
to abuse.
Don't mock her 'crushes'.



Drugs

One of the great fears of any millennial parent is that their daughter
will become involved in and/or dependent on drugs-licit
or illicit. Studies show that in Australia around 25 per cent of
15-year-old girls smoke, and that more girls than boys smoke
regularly. Alcohol seems to be the preferred drug, and National

120

Drug Research Institute figures in 2005 showed that two-thirds
of adolescents aged 14-17 drink alcohol and more girls than
boys drink to harmful levels. Cannabis use is also on the increase
among adolescent girls, and national studies show that the average
age when young people first try marijuana is 12.
As with sexual matters, use any opportunity you can to discuss
drugs and drug use. Establish clear family rules about illegal
drugs. Most importantly, explain to her what to do if someone
offers drugs to her.
Many parents, not surprisingly, are frightened and confused
about drugs. TV coverage of the issue has tended to exploit this
fear, serving only to increase everyone's anxiety levels. Yet it is
our role and responsibility to pass on accurate and up-to-date
information about drugs to our children; engaging in endless
emotional dogfights over the issue is unhelpful and potentially
counterproductive. One way of passing on this information is to
involve your daughter in an informal quiz (see page 133), perhaps
even in the car while driving somewhere - or over dinner,
which is an opportunity to involve the whole family. The idea is
121


to find out how much you and your daughter really know about
keeping safe and to impart some key messages in a youth-friendly
manner.


Girl behaving badly
Isobel, who is 17 and lives with her parents, dropped out of
school a year ago and is now doing a pre-apprenticeship in hairdressing.
Every Friday she goes nightclubbing with friends; she
usually doesn't get home till the early hours of the morning, by
which time she's often drunk and drug-affected. She doesn't
help at all around the house and has begun skipping classes at
TAFE. On the few occasions her dad has tried to reason with her,
she has withdrawn to her room or put on a 'floor show', becoming
angry and abusive. Her personality seems to be changing
and her mother, who hates conflict, implores her father not to
confront her.
If Isobel continues to refuse to obey any of her parents' reasonable
requests to share the household chores, come back at
122

an agreed hour and to stop her illegal behaviours (under-age
drinking, illegal drug use), despite warnings, then I believe it is
perfectly acceptable for her parents to grab the reins. First, they
should remove the privileges Isobel takes for granted (access
to TV, internet and family car, and/or having her mobile bills
paid), until she complies with her parents' requests. There is
bound to be a war of attrition, especially if their parenting has
been inconsistent in the past. If they do nothing, they are in effect
supporting Isobel's lifestyle. On the other hand, intervening may
help her get her life back on track.
Even if, as can happen in extreme cases, Isobel threatens
violence or damages property as a response to the introduction
of sanctions, her parents must not back down. My belief is
that they should issue a warning that any violent behaviour will
result in their calling the police - and, if the behaviour continues,
follow through. While the police dislike responding to domestic
violence calls, Isobel must learn that behaving in a socially unacceptable
way has societal consequences.
123


Dos and don'ts
Do arm yourself with reliable and up-to-date knowledge
about drugs and drug use. Forewarned is forearmed.
Do approach the topic rationally rather than emotionally.
Harm minimisation is a more realistic approach than zero tolerance.
As we have seen, at this stage of her life a blanket ban
is unlikely to work.
Do lead by example. Some 60 per cent of young people say
their parents are the chief influence on whether they drink or
not, and parents who drink are more likely to have children
who take up the habit.
Do help her to avoid people and places that may trigger drug use.
Don't be moralistic. Preaching, like trying to control her,
tends to inspire rebellion.
Don't panic if she comes home drunk or drug-affected.
Ensure her physical safety and help her recover.
Don't condone regular drinking in the first three years of high
school.

Don't try to engage in conversation if your daughter is affected

124

by alcohol or drugs. Wait till she sobers up, and then get the
facts.
Don't hesitate to let her know you don't approve, and that if
this becomes a regular pattern she needs to get professional
help, starting with a visit to the GP.
Don't smoke in front of your daughter.



Eating disorders and other psychological issues

The most crucial warning signs of mental distress or illness are
social withdrawal, loss of interest in things that used to give
one pleasure, trouble sleeping, decreased appetite or changes
in energy levels. The altered behaviour is likely to be significant
if it lasts for more than a couple of weeks - rather than being
a temporary response to a minor setback such as a particularly
bad week, a romantic breakup, failing to make the netball team,
or not getting the mark she hoped for in an assignment - and is
interfering with her ability to function.

125



Eating disorders

Anorexia nervosa affects 0.5-1 per cent of young women; bulimia,
1-5 per cent. There are several factors that affect eating behaviour
during adolescence, including changing body shape and increased
self-awareness, new sexual feelings, and risk-taking tendencies.
In addition, of course, there is the ubiquitous media imagery that
encourages unrealistic body images. Among adolescent girls in
'developed' countries, eating disorders are the third most common
health problem behind obesity and asthma. While the proportion
of the population that is overweight is increasing, young people
are surrounded on all sides by images of 'ideal' but impossibly thin
body shapes.


Eating disorders: some warning signs
a marked increase or decrease in weight with no medical cause
the rise of abnormal eating habits such as severe dieting or
secretive bingeing
an extreme preoccupation with weight and body image
126
compulsive or excessive exercising
self-induced vomiting, or excessive use of laxatives, diet pills or
diuretics



Young people with an eating disorder are often 'in denial' and will
most likely reject offers of help, preferring to isolate themselves. She
may be on the constant lookout for opportunities to covertly exercise
and to hide food rather than consume it - which can be infuriating.


Dos and don'ts
Do remain composed and always talk calmly.
Do seek professional help.
Don't blame yourself or your parenting.
Don't blame her for what is going on. And never give up on
her, however difficult things get.
Don't comment on her appearance. Whatever you say, it's
likely to be misinterpreted.
Don't try to force her to eat, or make mealtimes a major drama.
127



Depression

Research suggests that one in five young people suffer from emotional
problems distressing enough to justify seeking professional
help. The symptoms can range from relatively mild feelings of
depression and anxiety to severe distress and dysfunction. Any such
condition impacts on her ability to get through her day, and, worse
still, can erode the foundation of relationships with family, friends
and teachers. While clinical experience suggests that early diagnosis
and prompt treatment are effective, many young people who
experience a mental disorder never receive treatment for it. This is
because many young people do not know where to go for help, and
parents and teachers do not know what signs to look for.


Depression: some warning signs
frequent, unexplained sadness or tearfulness
persistent boredom and low energy
a preoccupation with morbid or nihilistic themes
lack of connection with friends and family
128
extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure
increased irritability, anger or hostility
frequent complaints of physical illnesses, such as
stomach-aches or menstrual problems
a major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns
self-destructive or self-harming behaviours



Dos and don'ts
Do encourage regular exercise and sleep, and a healthy
diet.
Do seek help from a GP, and obtain a full physical examination
with blood tests.
Do try to engage your daughter in conversation, and listen
carefully to what she says.
Do encourage her to take part in activities that once gave her
pleasure (walks, movies), and be gently insistent if your invitation
is refused.
Don't dismiss it as 'normal' adolescent mood swings.
129



Don't disparage the feelings she expresses, but point out realities
and offer hope.
Don't accuse her of faking illness, or expect her to 'snap out
of it'.
Don't ignore any remarks about suicide: report them to her
treating team (GP, psychologist).
131



Conclusion: The fairytale ending


Adolescence is a confusing time of transition. No matter what
kinds of pressures today's teenagers are under, the confused two
step of being yourself and fitting in wasn't invented yesterday, and
it's not going to go away tomorrow.
The Princess Bitchface Syndrome is a serious social problem.
This book is a call to arms, lest those problems worsen. Our teenagers
are victims of the world around them: its materialism; its
obsession with sex; its messed-up and ill-informed, though well
intentioned, adults. The fact is that the chances of our daughters
getting through it reasonably unscathed are slim if we don't pick
up the reins and get involved.
Not many will argue that being a parent is one of the toughest
jobs around. After all, there is no one way to raise a daughter who
has become a tumble-dryer of physical and emotional turmoil
while her designer clothes are being stretched every which way
by rampant hormones egged on by the boy with tattoos and a


132

troubled past. Each action, each word, each decision shapes a
young mind. It's a lot of pressure and not even the experts get it
right all the time.
The most common issues between parents and teens arise due
to poor communication, power struggles and a lack of empathy.
If you use the same parenting methods that you did when your
daughter was a child, you won't get positive results. You'll just
exhaust yourself.
So, give yourself a break. Family life has always been an ever
changing dance between children, parents, spouses, friends and
the community at large. Embrace uncertainty, enjoy new dance
steps and remember that each adolescent is an individual who
has never done this before. Sometimes, things will be awkward.
That's the human condition: it's normal and it's fine.
133

Alcohol and drugs:
how much do you know?




This section contains 10 brief scenarios, each intended to address
popular misconceptions about drugs and alcohol. The idea is that
you read out these scenarios to your daughter and her friends and
see if they know the right answers. The most important part is to
discuss the answers and consider key things you have learned.

The scenarios Scenario 1
You've been at an 'after party' with your best friend, who earlier
in the night had a fight with her boyfriend. She has been drinking
all night and finally collapses. How would you know if she is just
drunk or is suffering from serious alcohol poisoning?





134

Answer
If you pinch and/or shake her but can't rouse her, it is highly
likely she is suffering from alcohol poisoning, so call 000.
Critical signs of alcohol poisoning:
mental confusion, stupor, coma, or person cannot be roused
no response to pinching the skin
vomiting while sleeping
seizures
slow breathing (less than eight breaths per minute)
irregular breathing (10 seconds or more between breaths)
hypothermia (low body temperature), bluish skin colour,
paleness.


Alcohol depresses the nerves that control involuntary actions such
as breathing, the heartbeat and the gag reflex (which prevents
choking). A fatal dose of alcohol will eventually stop these functions.
After the victim stops drinking, the heart keeps beating and
alcohol in the stomach continues to enter the bloodstream and circulate
throughout the body. As a result, the following can happen:

135 victim chokes on own vomit
breathing slows, becomes irregular, stops
heart beats irregularly or stops
hypothermia (low body temperature) leads to cardiac arrest
hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar) leads to seizures.


Even if the victim survives, an alcohol overdose can lead to irreversible
brain damage. Binge-drinking (often the result of a bet or
dare) is especially dangerous because the victim can ingest a fatal
dose before becoming unconscious.


Scenario 2
You've been watching DVDs at your best friend's place. She's
consumed far too much alcohol and is very drunk. Her parents
are due home in two hours. Which of the following would be the
most effective way to sober her up in time?

a)give her coffee

b)give her raw eggs

136
c)give her chilli peppers
d)give her a Berocca
e)put her in a cold shower
f)give her oysters
g)put her to bed and wake her up in 50 minutes
Answer
None of the above. Sobering up takes time. A little bit of the
alcohol (about 10 per cent) leaves the body via breath, sweat and
urine, but the liver is responsible for breaking down most of it
and can only get rid of about one standard drink per hour. None
of the above options can speed this up.


Scenario 3
A few years ago a man smoked 100 cones of marijuana in one
day, approximately one every nine minutes. What do you think
happened to him?


a) he went to sleep

137 (
b)he died
c)he became very paranoid, and beat people up
d)he threw up
e)he became very hungry and held up a fast-food outlet Answer
(c) It was reported in the Herald Sun (14 February 2003) that
a man was arrested after assaulting 12 people, including seven
police officers, while suffering from drug-induced psychosis. It
was estimated that he had consumed 14 grams of marijuana. Four
canisters of capsicum spray and police batons failed to stop him.
He was only finally subdued when he was given a general anaesthetic.
It should be noted that this is a very extreme example and
most people would not be able to smoke this much without passing
out. This man had obviously smoked a great deal of marijuana
and had developed a significant tolerance. The message is that
marijuana is not a 'safe' or 'soft' drug.
138

Scenario 4
A guy goes to a party and is invited to play a drinking game where
he has to drink a shot of vodka every minute for 100 minutes. He
agrees to take part. Which of the following would be most likely
to happen to him?

a)feels sick, goes home and throws up
b)feels sick, passes out and wakes up feeling awful
c)feels sick, passes out and goes into a coma for a week
d)feels sick, passes out and later dies


Answer
(d) It was reported in the Age newspaper on 23 February 1999
that a 19-year-old man died on his neighbour's lawn after drinking
88 nips and an entire bottle of vodka (four times the amount
of alcohol required to cause alcohol poisoning). Your daughter
needs to know that she can drink enough in one session to die.
139
Scenario 5
Your school has just decided to follow the lead of several private
schools and subject all students to random drug tests. Your best
friend is a marijuana smoker and wants to know how long traces
of cannabis stay in her system?

a)4 weeks
b)6 weeks
c)8 weeks
d)10 weeks
e)12 weeks


Answer
(e) Traces of cannabis and its active ingredient (THE or tetrahydrocannabinol)
can be detected up to three to five days after
one-off or occasional use. In a chronic user, however, THE can
be detected up to 12 weeks after use (though the average is 25-27
days). Cannabis is highly detectable a long time after use because THE lingers in the fatty tissues of the body and leaks steadily into
the blood and then the urine.
140
Teacher at your school suspects that a student has brought some
cannabis to school and goes to search her locker. Is the teacher
breaking the law?


Answer
No. Desks and lockers are school property and can be searched
without your consent. The only situation in which this does not
apply is if you have paid a non-refundable fee for the use of your
locker, in which case the school has no right to search it unless
you have signed an agreement to that effect. If you have paid
nothing, or a deposit that is refundable, the locker is school property
and the school has the right to search it.


Scenario 7
If your boyfriend had a few drinks that took his blood alcohol
level to .04, and he then smoked a joint and drove his car, his control
of the car would be similar to someone with a blood alcohol
concentration of:
141
a).08
b).09
c).10
d).14


Answer
(d) According to Dr Katherine Tzambazis of the Drugs & Driving
Research Unit at Swinburne University's Centre for Neuropsychology,
such an intake is equivalent to a .14 blood alcohol
concentration. In such cases, reports show, your risk of having an
accident is increased by 48. Watch what your driver is doing!


Scenario 8
You are at a party and a friend overdoses while using ecstasy. You
go to call an ambulance, but another friend stops you - worried
the ambulance officers will involve the police. Do ambulance
officers call police in such situations?
142 Ambulance officers will not call the police unless there is a
fatality.


Scenario 9
In young women, by how much does regular cannabis smoking
increase the risk of being depressed and anxious?

a)three times
b)four times
c)five times
d)six times


Answer
(d) An Australian study found that frequent cannabis use in teenage
girls predicts later depression and anxiety, with daily users
carrying the highest risk.
143
Scenario 10
It's Friday night and you are at a club. Your friend, who does not
drink much, seems completely off her head and you suspect her
drink may have been spiked. What is the most commonly used
drug in drink-spiking?

a)alcohol
b)rohypnol
c)Valium
d)GBH


Answer
(a) Alcohol. A forensic study in the UK in 2002 following alleged
sexual assaults found that around a third of the victims had consumed
enough alcohol to make them pass out or suffer memory
loss, and a further 24 per cent were drunk. Only 2 per cent of the
samples taken contained sedatives.
Resources


I thoroughly recommend Rosalind Wiseman's book Queen Bees
& Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip,
Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence (Judith Piatkus [Publishers]
Ltd, 2002), which I draw on in Chapter 3.
The internet can be a curse or a blessing, depending on the
reliability of the sites. You may find some of the following websites
more than useful (all of them were active at the time of
writing).


Bullying
www.bullyingnoway.com. au
This site provides a nationwide resource directed at minimising
bullying, harassment and violence in schools. The project has
been developed by education authorities as well as Catholic and
independent school associations.




145

146

Drugs
www. druginfo.com.au
The Druginfo Clearinghouse is a service provided by the Australian
Drug Foundation. It offers free information, a specialist library,
a telephone and email information service, and email-alerts.


General health

www.canteen.org.au
CanTeen is the national support organisation for young people
(aged 12-24) living with cancer; including cancer patients, their
brothers and sisters and young people with parents or primary
carers with cancer. I must acknowledge an interest here, as I was
involved in its foundation.


www. cyh.com/cyh/youth/how/how index.htm
The South Australian Child Youth and Health site provides telephone
numbers for the 24-hour, seven-day Youth Healthline
Service for young people in South Australia. It also has links to
parenting and child health information services.

147

(


www.rch.org.au/chips
Young people who develop a chronic illness during adolescence
often have difficulty accepting their illness, and treating them
can be quite a challenge for physicians. The Chronic Illness
Peer Support (ChlPS) program provides valuable support for
young people living with any type of chronic illness or medical
condition.


Mainly for parents
www.familiesmatter.org.au
Families Matter has been developed as a necessary complement
to MindMatters and seeks to engage parents, carers and families
in the health and wellbeing of their young people.


www.fathersonline.org
The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non-profit association
that aims to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as
fathers through encouragement and education.
148

www.parentlink.act.gov.au
An initiative of the ACT Department of Education, Youth &
Family Services, which recognises and values the parenting role.
Its confidential telephone information (02 6207 1039), advice,
guidance and referral services are available to anyone who cares
for children. The website has parenting tips and guides, information
on community services and events, and some great links for
parents.


www.parentline.com.au
Parentline (tel. 1300 30 1300) is a confidential counselling service
aimed at providing professional support for parents and all who
have the care of children. Available 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., seven days
a week to parents in Queensland and the Northern Territory for
the cost of a local call.


www.parentline.vic.gov.au
Parentline (tel. 13 2289) is a statewide telephone counselling,
information and referral service for parents and carers with
149


children from birth to 18 years. It is confidential and anonymous,
and available for the cost of a local call throughout Victoria.


www. stepfamily. asn.au
This website aims to actively promote the positive aspects of stepfamily
life, especially by providing appropriate information.


www.triplep.net
The Triple P-Positive Parenting Program is a parenting and
family support service that aims to prevent severe behavioural,
emotional and developmental problems in children by enhancing
the knowledge, skills and confidence of parents.


www.parenting.sa.gov.au
Parenting resources and support aimed at helping parents in
South Australia be their best. Site includes parent easy guides,
state directory and discussion forum.
150

www.familycourt.gov.au
The Family Court of Australia website has great information
including tips, forms and do-it-yourself kits.


www.justlook.org.au
Lifeline's national database of low- or no-cost health and community
services offered throughout Australia. Note: it is not a
counselling service.


www.i-dont.com.au
A service to assist people who are going through separation and
divorce. The Relationship Separation and Divorce Directory lists
organisations and others who can help.


www.lifeline.org.au
Lifeline Australia offers a 24-hour telephone counselling service
for anyone, any time, and from anywhere in Australia. The
helpline number is 13 11 14. From the website there's a link to
MindMatters, which provides details of the centres interested in
working with schools in their local areas.
151



Mental health
www.aacap.org/
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry site
aims to assist parents and families to understand a wide range
of developmental, behavioural, emotional and mental disorders
affecting children and young people.


www.beyondblue.org.au/ybblue
Ybblue is a youth program of beyondblue, the national depression
initiative in Australia. It is a very youth-friendly site bent on
getting out the message that it's okay to talk about depression,
and encouraging young people, their family and friends to get
help when it's needed. The site includes interactive checklists,
warning signs and symptoms, helpful contacts, treatment options,
personal stories, e-cards and more.


www.blackdoginstitute.org.au
The Black Dog Institute (NSW) is the brainchild of the inspirational
Professor Gordon Parker, who has put together a really
informative website specialising in mood disorders. It has loads
152

of expert advice on depression and bipolar disorder, along with
advice on how to get help and stay well.


www. goodtherapy. com. au
This website outlines the various approaches in counselling and
psychotherapy, and encourages visitors to explore what good
therapy means to them personally. An advocate of making
conscious, well-informed choices, the site has a directory of practitioners,
public forum, articles and bookshop.cms.curriculum.edu.au/mindmatters
The MindMatters program supports Australian secondary schools
in promoting and protecting the mental health of members of
school communities. Each state and territory has a dedicated web
page.


www.headroom.net.au
Head Room - a cool-looking site dedicated to the positive mental
health of children and adolescents and the adults in their life.
153



www.justase.org.au
Lifeline's Just Ask is a national mental health information and
referral service specialising in self-help approaches to mental
health. Visit the website or call 1300 13 1114.


www.livingworks.org.au
A suicide prevention scheme under the auspices of Lifeline Australia.
Delivers programs that promote suicide awareness, increase
practical skills in suicide first aid, and focus on follow-up help for
people at risk.


www.kidsinmind.org.au
This website has been created by the Mater Child and Youth
Mental Health Service (CYMHS), which helps about 1500 people
every year. The site has dedicated information for children, adolescents
and parents, providing a tool to exchange information
and be informed about local, national and international issues in
child and youth mental health.
154

www.eppic.org.au
The Early Psychosis Prevention and Intervention Centre (EPPIC)
is a comprehensive service directed to young people aged 15-30
years who are experiencing, or who have experienced, their first
episode of psychosis.


www.sane.org
SANE Australia is a national charity helping people affected by
mental illness through campaigning, education and research.


www.friendsinfo.net/
The Friends website has information about the prevention and
treatment of childhood anxiety.


www.miea.org.au
The Mental Illness Education Australia program aims to promote
better understanding of mental health. Its services include
presenters with personal experience of mental illness, who visit
schools and community organisations.
155


www.index.agca.com.au
The MindMatters Plus Program Index provides summary details
about a wide range of programs and resources that support students'
wellbeing.


www.mcsp.org.au
Ministerial Council for Suicide Prevention based in WA. This
site seeks to increase access to and availability of suicide prevention
information for professionals, researchers and community
members.


www.sfys.infoxchange.net.au
School Focused Youth Service is a federal government initiative
designed to augment support provided to schools in response to
the recommendations of the Suicide Prevention Taskforce.
156


Support for adolescents

www.cdc.gov/powerfulbones
A US site encouraging girls to take steps to improve skeletal
health, especially by weight-bearing activity. It includes interactive
activities and links to relevant websites.


www.4girls.gov
US site developed by the Office on Women's Health, providing
reliable and current health information for girls aged 10-16.


www.dvirc.org.au/ whenlove
A site for adolescents, with information and resources on relationships
and self-esteem issues.


www.kidshelp.com.au
Kids Help Line is a free, confidential 24-hour telephone and
online counselling service for young people aged between five
and 18. There's a free quarterly newsletter.
157


www.lawstuff.org.au
This site provides a bunch of 'stuff about legal rights for people
under 18. It's sponsored by the National Children's and Youth
Law Centre, an independent, non-profit organisation.


www.likeitis.org
This website gives young people access to information about all
aspects of sex education and adolescent life, including contraception,
'lovebugs' (sexually transmitted infections), sex and
sexuality, and peer pressure.


www.somazone.com.au
A program of the Australian Drug Foundation, this site was
developed by young people for young people, with the aim of
helping young people to address their physical, emotional and
social health needs in a way that is relevant, non-judgemental and
anonymous. It includes a question-and-answer service, publishes
personal stories, and provides useful information on a range of
youth services.
158

www.connectingkids.org.au
Connecting Kids Company is the trading name of the Peer Support
Foundation, which was developed by health educator Elizabeth
Campbell AM to provide a structured program for peer support
in schools. The organisation offers a wide range of programs and
resources, Australia-wide, and is based on the belief that young
people can be empowered to help and support each other.
www.moodGYM.anu . edu.au
Designed especially for young people, this is an innovative, interactive
program aimed at preventing and decreasing depressive
symptoms. MoodGYM, which teaches the principles of cognitive
behaviour therapy, which has been found to be helpful for people
with depression, offers services such as anxiety and depression
assessments, relaxation techniques, and advice on dealing with
stress and relationship breakups.
159


www.thesource.gov.au
This site has information on getting a job, career information,
youth health issues and a Have Your Say section so the federal
government can know what issues are important to kids.


www.reachout.com.au
A web-based program designed to inspire young people to help
themselves through tough times. It provides support, information
and referrals in an appealing format.


www.burstingthebubble.com
An adolescent-friendly site aimed at helping and supporting
young people who have problems at home. It sends a very clear
message that not everyone's family looks or acts like The Brady
Bunch, or like the nice families on Neighbours, but that there are
some things that should never change. It includes great quizzes
to help young people understand what's normal stress and how
to work things out.
160


www.makeanoise.ysp.org.au qThis site is aimed at young people and contains information on
a range of health-related matters including drugs, sexual health,
mental health, school and money.

www.AngriesOut.com
This site was developed to give young people alternatives to conflict
and violence when they are upset.


www.realitycheck.net.au
The aim of this site is to help young people make better choices
about mental health. It provides information about where to find help in the ACT if you have mental health concerns.



161
Index






adolescents
cognitive development 20,22,26,27
common issues 6
covert aggression 63-5
dependence on parents 21
economic influence of 17-18
expectations and demands 51-2
fathers dealing with 2-6,42-3,55,56
meaning 1,6-7
pester power 17-18
rites of passage 12-14
skipping the 'tween' years 15-18
support resources 156-60
unrealistic images of 52
see also early, middle and late
adolescence
aggression 63,65
alcohol 22, 119-20
alcohol poisoning 133--4, 138
binge drinking 41, 134
and drugs 140-1
effects of 134-5
leading by example 123
and sexual activity 117
sobering up 135-6
spiked drinks 143
all-or-nothing thinking 70
alpha females 62
anorexia nervosa 18,125-6
bedrooms 20,93, 109
binge drinking 41, 134
body image
anxiety about 17, 18, 19, 25
and eating disorders 25, 125
boyfriends 61
brain development
female strengths 8-9, 66
in girls 7-11
growth spurt 8-9
and onset of puberty 31-4
'bubble-wrap generation' 36, 37, 38
bulimia 18, 125-6
bullying
dos and don'ts 113-15
intervention 115-16
strategies 113-14
support resources 145
not trivialising 112,113,115
cannabis 120, 142
catastrophising 71
climate of fear 36, 37, 38
cliques
and bullying 112
in early adolescence 21,27
fear of confrontation 65
influence of 61
in middle adolescence 25
parent awareness 64
relationships within 60-3
Queen Bees 60, 62-3



161

162

conscience, development of 20
consequences
thinking through 10, 11, 24
see also sanctions
consequential learning 96-7
covert aggression 63, 65
depression 33
dos and don'ts 128
warning signs 127-8
developmental compression 31
disrespect 88, 90
divide and rule technique 48
drugs 22
detection on testing 139
discussing drug use 120
dos and don'ts 123-4
family rules 120
leading by example 123,124
and mental health problems 41
142
school searches 140
support resources 146
taken with alcohol 140-1 see also alcohol, smoking
early adolescence
body image anxiety 19
cliques 21,27
cognitive development 20,27
conflict 19-20
development issues 27
emotional violence 20
friendships 21
main concerns 27
mood swings 19
162

conscience, development of 20
consequences
thinking through 10, 11, 24
see also sanctions
consequential learning 96-7
covert aggression 63, 65
depression 33
dos and don'ts 128
warning signs 127-8
developmental compression 31
disrespect 88, 90
divide and rule technique 48
drugs 22
detection on testing 139
discussing drug use 120
dos and don'ts 123-4
family rules 120
leading by example 123,124
and mental health problems 41
142
school searches 140
support resources 146
taken with alcohol 140-1 see also alcohol, smoking
early adolescence
body image anxiety 19
cliques 21, 27
cognitive development 20,27
conflict 19-20
development issues 27
emotional violence 20
friendships 21
main concerns 27
mood swings 19
parental responsibility
peer group 21,27
eating disorders 33
anorexia nervosa 18,1.
and body image 25, 12
bulimia 18, 125-6
denial 126
dos and don'ts 126
warning signs 125-6
fathers 2-6, 43-4,55, 56
Freud, Sigmund 16, 31-2
friendships
based on perceived cot
21
based on personal common
'grounding' 108
guilt, parental 38-9, 89
household chores 19-20,
identity, sense of 25,55-6
jumping to conclusions keeping calm 101-2
keeping up with the Jones
kinship network 35-6
late adolescence
cognitive development
development issues 2"
main concerns 27
parental responsibility
physically an adult 26
responsibility 28
self-image 26,27
latency period 16, 31-2,;
learnt helplessness 45-7
marijuana, dangers of 13'
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media, influence of 52, 117
mental distress or illness
depression 33, 142, 127-8
risk in single parent-household 38
support resources 151-5
warning signs 124
middle adolescence
alcohol and drugs 22
autonomy issues 22
body image concerns 25
cliques 25
cognitive development 22, 27
desire for privacy 24
friendships 25
parental responsibility 27
peer groups 24-5
romantic crushes 25
self-centredness 24
mood swings 19,24
mother-daughter clashes 55-6
negative thoughts 69-72
non-verbal management skills 99
parents
allowed to make mistakes 109
buying affection 89
'cool' parents 40
decline in confidence 83--4
guilt 38-9, 89
leading by example 123,124
quality of life 95
responsibilities 27
rights of their own 81, 85-6
support resources 147-51
Parent-Daughter Power Quiz 50-1
parenting strategies 95
acting with conviction 103
consequential learning 96-7
don't be a doormat 97-8
focus on the positives 99-100
'Godfather' approach 101
keeping calm 101-2
make her accountable 102
negotiating safety rules 96
non-verbal management skills 99
say what you mean, mean what you
say 98-9
Trudeau' approach 100
parenting styles
authoritarian (Rambo) 79, 80
authoritative (Watchdog) 79-81
developmental perspective 82-3
inconsistent 98
indulgent (turtle) 39, 76, 78-9
overprotective 36, 37, 38
Spock's permissive approach 84
supervision at a distance 36
uninvolved (Tamagotchi) 39-40, 80
Parker, Professor Gordon 35, 42
Paton, Professor George 117
peer group 6, 24-5, 58
constant contact 40-1,53
importance 60, 61
influence of 21
a second family 40-1, 55-6, 61
and thrill-seeking 10-11 see also cliques
physical development vs brain
development 31-5


164
Princess Bitchface
behaviour patterns 45-50
factors creating 31-44
living with 96-103
thought processes 69-73
'principled morality' 26
privacy 24, 118
puberty 1-2
age of onset 14,31,32-3
brain development 31--4
physical changes 14
Queen Bees 60, 62-3
relational aggression 20,65, 112
see also bullying
risk-taking 10, 15, 118
rites of passage 12-14
romantic crushes 25, 119
rules
about drugs 120
enforceability 107
and family values 105-6
involve her in making 106
negotiating 96, 104-5
relevance 108-9
updating 104
rule breaking see sanctions
safety issues see bullying; drugs; mental
distress or illness; sex
sanctions 47
for drug and alcohol abuse
121-2
easy to implement 107
excessive 107
known in advance 108
say what you mean, mean what you say
98-9
saying 'No' 77,80,90
school challenges
academic 57
problems of expression 57-8
vocational goals 58, 59 see also bullying; peer-group
'Schoolies Week' 13-14
self-harm 33--4
self-image 14-15, 26, 27
sex
active at younger age 117
connection with alcohol 117
dos and don'ts 118-19
'education' by the media 117
respecting privacy 118
self-consciousness about 118
talking about 117-18
sexual identity 26
sibling rivalry 19
single-parent households 38,39
smoking 119, 124
social connectedness 35-8
Spock, Dr Benjamin 84
suicidal thoughts 33--4
Tamagotchi parenting 3940, 80
thrill-seeking 10-11 see also alcohol; drugs
'tween' years 15-18
under-fathering 42-3
unrealistic expectations of others 72-3
values and morals 68-9
Wiseman, Rosalind 60-1,62-3