Inevitable: A Paranormal Romance

By: Jason Letts

Edited by: Amanda Hocking

© 2011 by Jason Letts

All rights reserved: no part of this book may be reproduced by any means without written permission from the author.

This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any actual person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

*

Chapter 1

All of this already happened, every possibility played out in a universe of its very own, but by changing the past of one I got trapped within it, and now there’s no going back. And it was all because of a boy.

Which is strange because I’m not even human. I exist only in the space between cause and effect, action and consequence, that determines the outcome of every choice every person ever made.

Outside of time, the threads of fate passed through me as I orchestrated the unfolding of human life. But I am a capricious spirit, and I love nothing more than to fill their lives with contradiction, to dash the false hopes of the proud and grant the fervent wishes of the fearful.

But some fears are too paralyzing to help, and there are some hopes too pure to be denied, and that’s what led me to an eighteen-year-old boy named Nathan Wheeler, just one Nathan Wheeler out of the countless that exist.

A high-spirited, endearing teddy bear of a young man, this Nathan called to me with a hope so true and a sacrifice so selfless that I couldn’t resist. While many Nathans didn’t lose their mothers to Huntington’s disease, this one did. Many Nathans didn’t choose to quit college to support a younger sister, Cammie, and the elderly grandmother in whose custody she was placed, but this one did. And to support them, a few Nathans took the only job available, a position at a cement factory that would cost one Nathan his life just a year after the death of his mother.

In an office trailer beside the rust-colored factory, that Nathan sat in a folding chair and stared at the employment contract on the table before him. He ran his hand through his bed-headed brown hair and scratched his scruffy cheek trying to understand what all these words were for. Not a particularly bright boy, he had barely made it into college in the first place, and now an impatient foreman urged him to hurry up and sign so he could get back to work.

One part of the contract made all too much sense though. It read, “Fatal Accident Insurance Coverage,” and it would mean one million dollars to his sister Cammie almost a year after he wrote her name as the beneficiary. Cammie, a witty, brilliant fourteen-year-old, would have no problem paying for graduate degrees in biochemistry, which she would use to begin a career fighting to find a cure for the very disease that had taken her mother.

The money gave her a beautiful home by the lake with a man she would come to love. And even then, when there was still so much left, some would go to charity to improve the conditions for factory workers. These are the things Nathan Wheeler’s death bought.

But it would be a long time coming before the accident on September 15th, and that year would wear on Nathan’s soul in a way that stripped him of his high spirits and a good deal of his hope. Not long after his mother’s funeral, his high-school sweetheart, a sharp and ambitious young woman, dumped him. He struggled every day to keep his family’s house and provide enough for his sister and grandmother.

The stress kept him awake at night, putting bags under his eyes. He became a tormented soul, plagued by doubt and insecurity.

Months passed, and the monotonous, backbreaking work at the cement factory allowed him to scrape by. He grew more introverted, reclusive even, which alarmed his sister. Sometimes they fought over the likelihood of having Huntington’s disease. Nathan hadn’t experienced any sign of symptoms, not the slightest jerk or twitch, but he said he felt like he just knew he had it, and that the end was coming for him.

The end he dreaded would come not from any disease but rather his company’s decision to put a new roof over the cement factory.

On September 15th, Nathan dropped Cammie off at school before going to work, like any other morning. He had plans to go see a movie with Cammie that night, but he would have to break those plans when one of his supervisors begged him to stay late that day.

This supervisor, a tall and sleek businesswoman who managed operations, caught him in the parking lot when he was just about to climb in his truck. She reminded him so much of his ex-girlfriend, both the way she looked and her serious, sly demeanor. He was never quite sure if she was being honest or trying to take advantage of him.

“You think you’re the only one here with a family?” she implored, rejecting his objections. “All of these guys have people waiting for them at home, but they understand we need to get this roof on if we’re going to get production back on schedule.”

When she looked into his brown eyes, he felt that she needed him, and being needed by a woman in that way was something he sorely missed. He’d always been someone who could be counted on to help, and he held onto that even though he’d taken so many blows to his confidence. Sighing, he tossed his lunch pail into the back of his truck and turned for the factory.

“Thank you,” she chirped. Any sense of deep emotion vanished into a plastic smile. “Maybe you can catch a late showing or something.”

“Just a couple more hours,” Nathan grumbled, already regretting his decision.

Leaving the parking lot, he approached the massive cement factory towering above him. The new roof already had a frame and now cranes were lifting giant slabs of iron into place. The largest part of the plant, a cylindrical “batching plant” where the cement was mixed, peeked through the gaps in the roof. The workers casually referred to it as the silo because it looked like something that belonged on a farm. It was suspended in the air by thick pipes and supports above conveyor belts and ducts, always looming over them.

Crossing the gravelly ground, he passed one of the crane operators, a portly man named Manny who looked snug in his seat inside his little chamber. He unscrewed the cap of a bottle and took a sip.

“I hope that’s just soda in there!” Nathan called above the noise of jackhammers.

“Like soda’s going to do anything for my arthritis!” Manny laughed, bringing the bottle up for another drink and stretching his fingers. After causing the accident that would take Nathan’s life, Manny would swear off alcohol forever but only hold to it for six months.

Nathan wasn’t particularly close to any of his coworkers. They were decent enough guys, but they were all at least ten years older than he was and had kids of their own. When they complained of their wives and shoveling the same stuff they’d been shoveling for years, it struck Nathan that he was looking into his own grim future. Nothing would change, he would just get older and harder, and he’d forget about all the dreams he had for himself long before he could ever realize they never came true.

The only guy in the factory who really reached out to Nathan was Willy. A black man who somehow hadn’t been worn down by this place, he sensed Nathan’s mood with just a look.

“We’ll find a way to make it,” he shrugged, a little glimmer in his eye. Things weren’t so bad when Willy was around. He always had something to say that spoke subtly of optimism and resilience. He must’ve been asked to stay late too, which meant he wouldn’t have much time to spend with his son that day.

While Willy managed the loading docks and waved on the trucks, Nathan manned a forklift and carted containers and construction materials around the factory floor. He worked around the imposing silo that consumed the center of the room. They’d encased it in scaffolding to protect it, but they were about to find out how little it would do.

A great chain of events was then set in motion, leading to something mystifying and transcendent, and I never would’ve believed it if I hadn’t already known it was coming. The bone-chilling crack of metal scraping metal ripped through the air as the inept crane operator slipped up, and a colossal iron slab struck the roofing frame. The building shook while the iron broke loose of its cables and plummeted into the silo, tearing its side open and forcing it to teeter against the scaffolding.

The ensuing chaos of panicked workers desperate to escape reverberated into the stratosphere. In the precious seconds before the silo collapsed, most everyone rushed for the exits, yelling and screaming. The falling slab crashed against the floor, and the leaking silo spewed cement onto the machinery. Judging by the tipping silo’s height, even those who made it through the doors had no guarantee of safety.

In that instant, when Nathan watched the slab tumble against the silo and collide against the shaking ground, he saw an opportunity, one he could not deny. The towering metal cylinder lurched against the brittle scaffolding, promising to destroy those who were helpless in the face of it. But if he acted fast they could be saved, even if it meant abandoning his own chance for survival.

Slamming his feet against the pedal and gritting his teeth, Nathan gripped the wheel and turned his forklift for the silo.

“Run!” Willy yelled. The alarm on his face doubled when he realized what Nathan was doing, but in a second he had fled out of sight, leaving Nathan with nothing more than the tipping steel monstrosity in view.

“Tell my sister I’m sorry!” he screeched, his eyes and face red, no longer even sure anyone could hear him. Ramming his heavy load into the scaffolding, he did it hoping his coworkers would survive, his sister would have a better life, and so that the hardships he had endured would finally have a purpose. His wishes called to me, and for his sacrifice I would bend fate to bring them into reality.

The force of his forklift supported the silo just long enough for his coworkers to escape, then the shredded tube of metal came down upon him, spilling its contents and breaking through the factory wall. When everything finally came to rest, debris and wreckage littered the ground, appearing as though a giant arm had cut through the factory.

In his last moment, Nathan realized that more good would come from his death than his life. His ultimate sacrifice, a perfect act of selflessness, could not go unrewarded. But it was not enough for me to see that his wish of a brighter future for his sister be fulfilled.

I had to go back, promising to improve the excruciating last year in the life of Nathan Wheeler, a young man who would inevitably give up everything for the ones he loved.

Chapter 2

Nathan and Cammie Wheeler sat next to each other on the Victorian-style chaise in the middle of a funeral home. It was September 15th, and the body of their mother, Miriam, waited for them in the next room. Cammie wore a long black dress, glasses over her brown eyes, and had her hair back in a ponytail. Nathan’s suit jacket, just a bit too small, stretched over his muscular shoulders, which were the perfect size for a head to rest on. On the verge of weeping, Cammie couldn’t resist, and soon she was leaning against him.

“Mom never would’ve died if she’d known she’d be putting us through this,” she groaned.

Miriam’s fellow nurses, her friends and of course their grandmother, Gladys, had all come to pay their respects. They mingled, chatted, signed the guest book, paid their respects to Miriam, and tried their best to support her children. But Nathan and Cammie chaffed under the attention, feeling awkward and even embarrassed to be the center of attention for such an unhappy reason.

Another visitor appeared before them. “I’m so sorry about your mother, Nathan. She was good people, and I mean that. Cammie, do you think you’ll win the state science championships again? You take after her so much. Let me know if there’s ever anything you need,” the acquaintance said.

An apology to Nathan, a compliment about Miriam, and mention of Cammie’s academic accomplishments. It was as though everyone had been handed a script before they came in. The best Nathan could do was purse his lips and nod, trying to make it clear that what they needed right now more than anything else was a little space.

“Is it really a good thing to say that you take after someone who just died of a genetic disease?” Cammie sniped as soon as they were left to themselves again.

“They’re trying to be nice. Just because you’re feeling bitter and irritable doesn’t mean you have to take it out on them,” Nathan whispered, putting his arm around her and giving her a squeeze.

“Of all days, can’t I at least take it out on them today?” she begged.

“It’s my mother’s funeral, I can cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to,” Nathan sung in a low voice, jostling Cammie into a smirk. “Come on, let’s do what we came here to do.”

Four years and a foot in height separated Nathan from his sister Cammie, and both became apparent as they went to say their final goodbyes. Turning into the viewing room, Nathan, who had a distressed look on his gentle face, put his hand on his sister’s back. Soon he was pushing her forward despite her visible attempts to flee. She was actually walking backward by the time they made it to the casket, and she had her hands over her face.

“It’s ok. Let’s do this together. Mom’s done so much for us. This is the least we can do for her,” Nathan urged. Reluctantly, Cammie removed her hands, revealing tears streaming down her cheeks.

Miriam Wheeler wore a ruby dress and appeared peaceful, elegant even. Her features were a little puffy, but it was still easy to imagine a kind smile dawning on her face. Nathan choked up, and Cammie held her knuckles to her mouth.

Miriam had died of Huntington’s disease, a degenerative genetic disorder that has a fifty-percent chance of being passed down to the next generation. The difference between a lifetime of suffering before an early end and remaining healthy for Nathan and Cammie came down to a simple coin flip. Both of their coins were still up in the air, for now.

After saying their goodbyes, they returned to the chaise in the adjoining room. Cammie took a few deep breaths and held herself still. It wouldn’t be long until they went out to the cemetery for the funeral and burial services. They’d chosen to do it all outside and have it all done at once because of Miriam’s fondness for nature.

The door to the funeral home flew open, and Sasha rushed in. A thin young woman looking even more slender in a simple black dress, she carried a small black bag and cut through the room on her way to Nathan. Once she found him, she took a moment to put her hand to her chest and catch her breath before jerking down to kiss him on the cheek.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she huffed, straightening out her shoulder-length black hair that curled inward just a bit at the tips. She had a no-nonsense kind of pretty, and her eyes were always focused. “But my study group just got out, and it’s a two-hour drive.”

“Yeah, how awful it would have to be to miss a study group,” Cammie scoffed, rolling her eyes. Cammie hated Sasha and never failed to find an opportunity to take a shot at her. Sometimes she begged Nathan to break off his relationship, calling her a soulless witch, but he always came back with something about being faithful to those you love.

Sasha shot Cammie a hard look, one that softened suddenly before she bent down and touched the young girl’s knee.

“Of course. You must be going through something very hard right now. Just like how your mother has inspired you to greatness, she’s always been someone I’ve looked up to too. I’m so sorry for your loss, sweetheart,” she added, turning to Nathan. “Remember that I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

“I know. Thank you so much for coming,” Nathan said. “I appreciate that you’re here.”

Rising, Sasha stood about awkwardly for a few moments, crossing her arms in front of her middle. Soon Gladys broke away from her own friends and crept over, using a cane and moving slowly but surely. All three of them gave her a hug.

“I think we’re about to move this outside,” the elderly woman warbled, her hair as white as snow. “I believe you were going to say a few words, Nathan. Is that still alright?”

“Absolutely. I’d be honored,” Nathan nodded, his eyes down at his shoes.

A brief service was conducted in the sprawling cemetery. The trees had begun to turn shades of orange and red, providing a nice contrast with the dark clouds sweeping in above them. It would almost certainly rain, and a few people had umbrellas, but they would push on nonetheless.

It came time for Nathan to take the small wooden podium facing the casket, the grave in which his mother would be buried, and those who had assembled to watch it happen. He gripped the podium’s sides, casting his eyes around. Scratching his bare neck, he inhaled and exhaled deeply.

“First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for coming. My mother, wherever she is, appreciates it very much. All of you made sure to mention her qualities when we spoke today. You talked about her hard-working nature, her passion for learning, and her refusal to quit. We’re all able to remember those parts of her, which she carried with her every day of her life. But in case there’s even a shadow of a doubt, let me say they made it into her parenting too.

“Being a single parent was tough, but somehow she managed, always making time for us and making sure we had enough. Mom was caring, thoughtful, dedicated, selfless, the list goes on and on. If I’m ever lucky enough to be a parent, I hope I’m able to do half as much as she did for me. I struggled in school, but I still remember her spending hours next to me, helping me work through it,” he recounted, suddenly breaking down. His red eyes grew watery, and his chin quivered just a bit. Clearing his throat, he tried to press on.

“Sorry about that. She never gave up on me, always putting her loved ones before herself, and that’s a part of her I hope I can take to heart. She was a great nurse, caring for sick and wounded patients all the way up until she became a patient herself. Huntington’s disease knows no mercy, and it slowly took hold of her, reminding us every time we saw her that this day would come. Even as she got close to the end, she never lost her dignity, and for her we never lost our love and respect. Even though this is my last goodbye, I love you, Mom, and that’s everlasting.”

Though the clouds looked ready to burst, the rain never came. They lowered the casket into the ground, the assembled grievers began to disperse, and Nathan and Sasha walked alone along one of the smooth dirt paths between long rows of tall poplar trees. They didn’t say anything for a while, but he took her arm and they always seemed to just miss each other’s inquiring glances.

“So what are you going to do?” Sasha asked at last.

“Exactly what I have to,” he sighed, looking up at the sky.

“Oh, that’s such a relief! I was worried you’d do something impulsive,” she said, shaking her head and putting her other hand on his arm.

“I should be able to bring the rest of my stuff back from college before the week is out, and then hopefully it won’t be too hard to find a job.”

Sasha stopped suddenly and turned to him. She narrowed her eyes a bit, searching his troubled face.

“I thought you meant you’d be staying at school! I know this is a terrible tragedy, but you have to consider your future. Please just think about it for a couple of weeks, keep going to classes and see how you feel then.”

Clenching his jaw, he tried to steel himself against her gaze. She had been able to goad him into doing a lot during their time together, but he wouldn’t cave on this.

“You don’t understand.” Nathan shook his head and looked away from Sasha. “My sister and my grandmother can’t take care of themselves. I don’t have a choice. You know what they say, life happens. Maybe when I’m a little older and things are more stable I can start taking classes again. Who knows, maybe between now and then I’ll somehow get smarter and they won’t seem so hard.”

“I know they don’t have a lot of money, but there are services for people like them,” Sasha countered.

“People like them?” Nathan objected, making Sasha wince. “They’re my family!”

“I misspoke,” Sasha covered. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. I understand where you’re coming from. Look, I’m not fighting with you here. I just want what’s best for you.”

Furrowing her brow, she tried to express her sympathy. She stood on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest and murmuring apologies. He kissed the top of her head, trying to find solace in the arms of his girlfriend. As he held her, he felt a raindrop strike the back of his neck.

*

Nathan and Sasha barely made it back to the funeral home before the deluge started. Heavy rain beat against the pavement, and rivulets collected into small pools. The pair huddled in the doorway, refreshed after their speedy retreat. Glancing around, they spotted Gladys speaking to the last few remaining guests. Through the doorway they saw Cammie’s legs stretched out against the ground. The rain couldn’t mask the sound of her weeping.

Biting her lip, Sasha took hold of Nathan’s jacket to get his attention.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay, but I really have to get back to school. There’s a test coming up and all this stuff with a—”

“It’s fine.” Nathan stopped her, and she leaned in to brush her cheek against his before letting their lips graze. In another moment, she was hightailing it through the rain and ducking into a blue coupe.

The glow of her break lights upon him, Nathan turned to his sister. Cammie was crying against the wall in the room where her mother’s body had been, and she held the pair of black flats she’d worn through the funeral.

She glanced at Nathan meekly as he kneeled down beside her. He ran his soft hand over her hair and brought it to her opposite shoulder, pulling her in. Her head against his stomach, she choked up and sputtered.

“Mom bought me these shoes,” she said.

“Everything’s going to be ok. I promise. So you can just let it all out because we’re going to find a way to make this work. She’ll be proud of us, just you wait and see.”

Their embrace lasted for a few moments until Nathan began to glance around at their depressing environment.

“Come on, why don’t we get out of here?” Nathan suggested. “Let’s go out and grab some food together, just the two of us. This’ll be our chance to celebrate Mom.”

Cammie pulled away and saw him smiling. It was hard to see anything other than kindness and compassion in his dimply cheeks and light brown eyes. He looked handsome, like the kind of guy you know could keep a secret, but even that wasn’t enough to cut through Cammie’s irritability.

“Going out for dinner? Sounds amazing,” she groaned sarcastically. “So basically to celebrate Mom we’re just not going to cook? That sounds to me like a celebration of laziness.”

Chuckling, Nathan shook his head and lifted Cammie onto her feet.

“Maybe so, but I don’t mind celebrating that either. It’ll be fun. Trust me,” he grinned as she put her shoes back on. Entering the main room, Nathan guided Cammie toward Gladys and the remaining guests.

“Is it ok if we head out for a while?” Nathan asked. “She’s having a bit of a hard time.”

“I am not having a hard time,” Cammie scowled. Gladys broached a heavy-hearted smile.

“We’ve spent enough time together today and there’ll be plenty more tomorrow. I’ll meet you back at the house later,” she agreed. “But in the meantime don’t forget I love you.”

They gave her hugs and turned for the door, just a thin sheet of glass separating them from the hard rain pounding the pavement on the other side.

“Let me find an umbrella,” Nathan offered, glancing around, but Cammie went right for the door.

“What does it matter?” She stepped out in the drenching rain, leaving Nathan to shrug and shake his head. Helping her forget about her grief, even for a moment, would not be an easy task. Exhaling, he ducked outside behind her, following Cammie as she stalked toward his rusty red pickup truck.

By the time they slid onto the vehicle’s faded gray seats, they were soaked from head to toe. Nathan’s clothes made squishing noises when he put the car in gear and began to back up, and Cammie’s dress clung to her moist skin.

“Where are we going anyway?” Cammie asked, rubbing her arm against the foggy window beside her.

Nathan didn’t answer, and a strange sort of silence filled the space between the streaking of the windshield wipers. Glancing over at his lethargic sister, Nathan sat up in his seat. He had to take care of her now, make the decisions. Cammie had a good head on her shoulders, but she’d still have a lot to learn.

They pulled into Friendly’s, a restaurant they always used to go to when they were younger. The place hadn’t changed much since then, threading its appeal with some of the nostalgia the newer, trendier restaurants couldn’t match.

Nathan ordered a burger, Cammie ordered a sandwich, and then they both settled into the silence that pervaded the room where they’d been seated. It wouldn’t have been any trouble to hear a pin drop. Nathan peeked over his shoulder and grabbed a piece of coloring paper from the table behind them. Flipping it over, he used the crayons near the menus to start a sketch.

“What are you drawing?” Cammie asked, hardly any emotion in her voice. Nathan scrawled on the paper for a few more moments before presenting his masterpiece.

“It’s Mom haunting people who don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom,” he smirked, raising an eyebrow at his sister. “She always used to hate that. Maybe she’d go after people who dropped their gum on the sidewalk too.”

But even making a few ghost-like sounds wasn’t enough to rouse the slightest smile.

“That’s not funny.” Cammie crossed her arms and maintained her glum expression. Nathan tapped his fingers against his cheek, looking around for another way to try and amuse her, but their food came a moment later.

“So are you really going to drop out of school?” she asked him, munching on a French fry.

Cringing, Nathan swallowed another bite of his burger. It seemed to take a lot of effort to force it down.

“It’s not that big a deal. I’ll apply for a deferral and college will come a few years down the road. Who knows, maybe we’ll be in some of the same classes together,” he teased.

“There’s no way I’ll be going to state college,” she objected.

“Yeah, I can’t blame you. The temptation to cheat off me would be too great.”

He searched her face for a hint of a grin, but she could’ve been a doll for how stoic she kept herself.

“You probably won’t get to play soccer since you’ll be older,” she noted.

“You never know, maybe I’ll somehow get better. Hey, are you going to eat any of that?”

Cammie’s sandwich had two bites in it. Sulking, she shook her head.

“Ok, I know what the problem is here!” he bellowed, nodding resolutely. He called to a server, who came right over. “We’re going to need a couple of ice cream sundaes.”

“I don’t think that’s going to fix anything,” Cammie panned after the server left.

“Now you just listen to me, young lady!” he scolded, exercising his newfound authority. “I’m the adult here and I know the perfect cure for the blues. It’s cold, creamy, and full of sugar. So I don’t want to hear any more back talk or I’m grounding you for a week!”

“You can’t do that,” she corrected.

Pretending to fume, Nathan glared at his sister until the server brought their ice cream. They each received a tall cup full of delicious-looking chocolate and vanilla scoops coated in chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and topped with a cherry.

For a second, Cammie seemed to snap out of her daze and show some interest. Her fingers snuck over to the spoon at her side.

“I’m sorry, but there’s something wrong here,” Nathan grimaced, making the server jerk back. Cammie shot him an inquisitive look.

“What is it?” the server asked, quickly inspecting the ice cream he’d delivered. Nathan threw up his hands, appearing completely dissatisfied.

“There’s not nearly enough ice cream here!” he declared. “Here’s what we’re going to need, a couple more sundaes, a few banana splits, several milkshakes of all different flavors. I want so much ice cream that we won’t be able to sleep for a week! A couple cartons—”

“Are you out of your mind?” Cammie marveled, an awe-struck expression forming on her face. Nathan had been speaking loud and the other diners were catching wind of the commotion.

“I’ll be getting my tuition refund check soon. Better make good use of it,” he shrugged before turning back to the server. “I want a few bottles of whipped cream, a bowl of sprinkles here, a bowl of chocolate chips here, a bowl of nuts—”

“No nuts!” Cammie interjected.

“No nuts! And a bowl of cherries. Finally, we’re going to need some hot fudge. And so help me, if that fudge cools down, I will throw a fit like you wouldn’t believe!”

Taking a deep breath, Nathan concluded his order. The server, his eyes wide, face pale, and a little drool dribbling from his mouth, nodded meekly. He whisked himself away, leaving Nathan and Cammie to bask in the glow of the astonished diners around them. Nathan dipped his spoon into the sundae in front of him, scooping out a big chunk and sliding it into his mouth.

“Mmm, it’s like I’m eating my education!”

“You’re insane, you know that?” Cammie laughed. She started to giggle despite herself, resting her head against her hand and leaning to the side.

It seemed like it took the entire restaurant staff to bring out their order. Soon ice cream covered not only their table but the empty ones in front and behind them too.

“This is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen,” Cammie squealed. “But we’re never going to be able to eat it all.”

“You’re right about that,” Nathan agreed, taking note of some of the envious stares around him. He stood up and approached the other tables, telling the elderly couples they were welcome to partake of the ice cream buffet happening at their table. He made the same offer to the small family, and the five-year-old boy practically leapt from his seat and ran over. His parents reluctantly followed, offering their thanks.

Finally, Nathan visited the solitary man by the window. He appeared homeless, like he had finished his meal and had nowhere else to go.

“Can I interest you in some ice cream?” Nathan asked, smiling.

“Are you sure?” the man asked, even though the entire rest of the dining room had lined up for it.

“It’d be my pleasure,” Nathan coaxed, gesturing for him to come over.

“That’s mighty kind of you.” The man nodded, climbing out of his chair and following Nathan for the buffet. Soon everyone had a heaping bowl of ice cream with whatever toppings they liked. Nathan stood next to his sister, his arm around her. He raised his bowl to make a toast and everyone followed suit.

“To Mom,” he said, and everyone echoed him.

*

“Mom would’ve liked that,” Cammie confessed once they had climbed into the truck.

“I think so too,” Nathan agreed. “All except for how much ice cream we ate.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve had enough for the rest of my life.”

The windshield wipers streaked across the glass. The blurry glare of streetlights, business signs, and cars stretched across the road. Cammie sighed.

“It’s not going to be easy for you to come back home,” she said.

“I know. Things might not be easy for any of us for a while,” Nathan concluded, turning onto another street. “But you might be surprised how often things work out for the best. This wasn’t something we asked for, but it might be right for us all the same.”

“I suppose so,” Cammie mumbled.

“I’ll have to start looking for a job,” he noted.

Cammie, shifting in her seat, turned to face him. She had something serious to say, and she reached out to touch him, but she restrained herself.

“There is one easy thing you could do to make things better.”

“And what’s that?” Nathan asked.

“Break up with Sasha,” Cammie pleaded.

“What? You’ve got to be kidding me,” Nathan groaned, becoming defensive. He shook his head. “For the last time, I’m not going to break up with her. We’ve come a long way, and Sasha’s an important part of my life.”

Cammie nervously shook her head, her breath becoming short.

“No, you don’t understand. Please just listen. I’m telling you, as important as she is to you, you are not that important to her. How can I put this in a nice way? She’s a soul-destroying demon who wants to rip out your heart and grind it through a cheese grater. There’s no way it’s going to end well.”

Chuckling, Nathan had no trouble shrugging off her remarks.

“You can call Sasha whatever names you want, but that’s not an argument against how she treats me. I’m happy when I’m around her, like it’s always my birthday. She was sweet to make the trip over today even though she’s got a busy schedule, and there’s no reason for me to see it ever ending.”

Cammie groaned as though she’d had a wooden stake driven into her heart.

“I don’t think she even wanted to come today,” Cammie pressed. “She sure left as soon as possible afterward. You want an argument against her behavior? When you called her to let her know that Mom died, how long did you talk for?”

“I don’t know,” Nathan said as they came to a stoplight. “I wasn’t keeping track. She had a lot of important stuff to do anyway. It was probably about fifteen minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes?” Cammie gasped, writhing in her seat. “In fifteen minutes, I can’t even tell you what I had for breakfast! Come on, you have to see what I’m saying here.”

“All I can see is that you’ve hated her from the beginning. I’ll make a deal with you though. Tell me if this sounds fair. Since you don’t like her so much, you don’t have to go out with her.”

The honk of a horn behind them brought Nathan’s attention back to the light, which had changed to green. Just as he put his foot on the gas, a car came tearing through the intersection, nearly hitting them.

“Oh my god!” Cammie yelped. Once it was well clear of sight, Nathan carefully passed through the intersection.

“That was weird,” he noted in shock.

They came to their home, a modest two-story house that had a small porch and new siding. Unlike some of the others on the street, it didn’t have a garage, and so Nathan parked near the side of the house in a spot next to his mother’s old Volvo.

“Well, good night, I guess,” Nathan said to his sister as they entered the dark house and he prepared to head up to his old room, which would be his once again. “If you ever need to talk about anything, just let me know.”

“Talk? I feel like doing something. I’m never going to be able to sleep anyway. Between the ice cream and almost getting into a car crash, I think I’ll be up for a while.”

Flipping on a light in their living room, Cammie kneeled beside a cabinet, popping it open and rifling through the boxes inside. She removed her favorite game, Monopoly, which she tossed onto the coffee table in front of the plush green couch. Nathan opened the box and pulled out the board, setting up the pieces and cards and removing the dice from their small plastic bag.

“I want to be the dog,” Cammie said, snatching the piece and setting it on the “Go” square.

Nathan chose the car. Beside them, the stacks of monopoly money in all different colors caught his eye. So much of their problems now revolved around money, and those big bills seemed to mock him and remind him of the troubles he had fallen hopelessly into.

“If only real life were Monopoly,” he grimaced, thumbing through the bills. More than a little dejected, he watched Cammie roll the dice and move her dog nine squares. When it was his turn, Nathan carelessly tossed the dice out onto the board, where they rolled and skipped, finally landing one on top of the other.

“Ha, I bet you couldn’t do that again if you tried!” Cammie laughed. He moved his piece five squares and bought the railroad. Cammie went, rolling a seven and buying a piece of property.

“Ah yes, St. James Place. Nowhere else but here will you find jack-o-lanters in December, Christmas lights in March, and Easter eggs in August,” she explained.

Chuckling, Nathan reached for the dice again. They spilled from his hand onto the table, bouncing around. One kicked off the board and landed on the other as they came to rest. Nathan and Cammie stared at the dice, speechless.

“That’s completely ridiculous,” Nathan gawked.

Something weird was going on, and they’d never be able to figure out what it was. But that was the fun of it for me, giving them something altogether mysterious and wonderful to distract them from their ails.

“Roll the dice again,” Cammie squeaked, somewhere between terror and disbelief. Hesitantly, Nathan reached out his trembling fingers and plucked the dice from the board. He held one in each hand, finally closing his eyes as he chucked them both. They skittered against the Chance cards, one hopping on top of them only to roll onto the other dice.

“Unbelievable!” Cammie stammered, getting to her feet and holding her hands to her chest.

Nathan opened his eyes and stared in disbelief. He grabbed the dice again, this time snapping his arm as hard as he could and throwing the dice against the wall on the opposite side of the room. One dice went low under a chair and the other sailed high above it.

The one that went high dropped onto the top of the chair, rolled down, and then trickled over the seat just in time to land on the other dice that was bouncing back from underneath.

Flushed and bewildered, Nathan gripped his hair, which got messier by the second. He was laughing, finally falling back in his chair.

“This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen!” Cammie rushed to the other side of the room and picked up the dice. She turned her hand over, dropping them to the ground. The dice flew in opposite directions, stopping on a two and a four several feet apart.

“I guess you have the magic touch,” she marveled, hopping over and sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

“You don’t think, do you?” Nathan wondered, scrunching up his face.

“Think what?”

“That this is somehow Mom doing this with the dice. It couldn’t be, right?”

But Cammie couldn’t come up with a better explanation. Something incredible and profoundly strange had happened, and they leapt at the first thing they could think of, even though they couldn’t have been more wrong.

Sure, it could’ve been interesting for me to pretend to be the ghost of their mother, but I knew that would only prolong his grief.

No, for all the tragedies that awaited him, I would have to do more than just dazzle him with simple tricks if I was going to reclaim Nathan’s life.

Chapter 3

In the days that followed, Nathan tried to get control of his family’s financial situation, and if it weren’t for Cammie he never would’ve managed.

Miriam had left them what little savings she had, but most of that would have to cover the funeral expenses. Combining the rest with Gladys’s social security payments, they would be able to stave off a relentless stack of monthly bills for a month or two. Mortgage payments, electricity, gas, garbage, groceries, phone, he’d never realized that all of these things they needed cost so much money.

“I could get a paper route,” Cammie suggested, but they both knew that wouldn’t make much of a dent. Only one solution would keep them afloat, finding a full-time job. If Nathan didn’t get one soon, they’d lose everything they had left.

Nathan had as much trouble conducting a job search as he did managing his family’s finances. He was a man who was good with his hands, tough and capable of putting in a hard day’s work without the least complaint. It was easy for him to see how things fit together if he could see them in front of him and touch them, but somehow the numbers and the details of bank statements and interest payments always managed to get lost in his head.

Cammie helped him write a resume and find suitable job postings online and in the papers. There weren’t many, but there were enough to make them feel like they had a good shot at getting something quickly. All they had to do was wait.

But days continued to pass and nothing materialized. The construction and carpentry positions had too much competition, and Nathan got lost within a towering pile of resumes.

He started to lose touch with his friends who were at college. They had parties to go to, girls to flirt with, and even homework on occasion. Nathan still had a couple friends in high school, but it only took going to one of their parties to realize he was horribly out of place.

He was stranded somewhere between high school and college, and it was even taking a toll on his relationship with Sasha. Their colleges hadn’t even been a half hour apart and they had managed fine, but now a two-hour drive might as well have been an ocean. She became distant on the phone, distracted, never able to get a sense of what he needed.

A big break came when Nathan was shopping at the grocery store. It was strange to be buying vegetables and comparing prices when those were things his mother had always done. Now he had to do them, but half the time he wandered around the store pushing a mostly empty shopping cart and trying to avoid making eye contact with the other shoppers.

But then a few magic words snapped him out of his daze.

“We just cannot find anybody to fill that position.”

Jerking his head around, Nathan found the source of those words, a black couple in their thirties or forties inspecting the produce. The man, who had a strong build and a mustache, wore a pair of coveralls. If Nathan had seen a suit he would’ve just walked away, but as it was…

“Excuse me, what did you just say?” Nathan asked.

The couple turned to face him, both a bit surprised, but the man didn’t hesitate to elaborate on his work situation.

“They got me doing double duty over at the cement factory because nobody wants to do the entry-level stuff. I love getting time and a half for overtime, don’t get me wrong, but there’s a big difference between the family I find at home at five-thirty compared to eight-thirty,” he explained, teasing his wife with a feigned fearful expression. She pursed her lips and rolled her eyes, grinning.

“You know, I’m dying to find a job and that sounds perfect for me. I don’t mind doing that kind of stuff at all,” Nathan nodded emphatically. Putting his hand over his mouth and mustache, the man inspected Nathan from head to toe.

“You look strong enough to handle it—”

“Yes, he does,” said his wife, raising an eyebrow.

“Leave the kid alone,” the man prodded. “As I was saying, if you’re up for it, you should swing by with your resume. It’s not heaven, I’ll tell you that, but it’s honest work and it pays the bills.”

“That’s exactly what I’m looking for,” Nathan agreed, kindling some optimism.

“Sounds like it could be your lucky day. I’m Willy,” he said, extending his hand. “What’s your name, kid?”

“I’m due for one. It’s Nathan.” They shook hands and nodded, parting ways. As they passed, Willy’s wife peeked into his cart.

“You’re gonna need a whole lot more than a bag of baby carrots and some ground beef,” she smirked.

Suddenly the world seemed so much brighter, and when he went home to tell Cammie and Gladys the news, they gave him a huge hug. It wasn’t a sure thing, of course, but even this was reason enough to be hopeful.

At eight o’clock Monday morning, Nathan pulled into the cement factory’s parking lot. Other workers, mostly men, were starting for the gravelly stretch of land leading toward a colossal rust-colored enclosure. It looked big enough to house a space shuttle.

Wearing his suit and carrying a thin folder containing his resume, Nathan asked some of the guys in blue coveralls who he should talk to about the job. They pointed him to one of the trailers off to the side.

Opening the door to the modest office building, he approached a secretary who busily clacked on a keyboard.

“Hi, sorry to disturb you. I heard there’s an entry-level position open and I’d like to apply.”

Just then a sharp-looking businesswoman crossed behind them, and the secretary leaned to the side to address her.

“Barb, this one here is looking for a position,” the secretary said.

Twisting his head slightly, he caught sight of Barb out of the corner of his eye. She looked like an older version of Sasha, a very confident sexiness in her carefully maintained hair and appearance. She seemed to let her eyes linger on the suit stretched tight over his chest.

“Yes, let’s talk about a position. Right this way.”

She let him into her small office, a desk and chair cramped between four white walls. The desk didn’t have any pictures on it. Barb settled into her chair, grabbed a pen, and gestured for his resume.

“I primarily deal with production quotas, and Vince does personnel, but he’s in a meeting right now and won’t be available for a little bit. I can tell you we’re interested in filling this vacancy immediately,” she said, her sight bouncing back and forth between him and his resume. “And everything in here seems fine as long as you don’t have any medical issues that would get in the way of shoveling, lifting, or using a forklift. Let me just ask you one question. What size coveralls do you take?”

She leaned closer, elbows on the desk, one leg over the other. If her looks hadn’t been distracting him, he might’ve wondered why they were so desperate to find someone to fill this job. But as it was he could only see what was right in front of him, an interested brunette in a business suit who looked at him with barely-concealed desire.

“Large,” he answered, while she formed a greedy smile and nodded.

He spent an hour in a waiting room until Vince, the personnel director could meet with him. He led Nathan into a small conference room, had a short discussion, and soon handed Nathan an employment contract. There weren’t that many pages to it, but it all seemed so complicated.

“There are just a few places you need to sign. Right next to the green labels,” Vince prodded. He was a gruff man, moderately overweight, who had probably worked his way up from the very position Nathan was taking.

Nathan was trying to calculate how his monthly earnings would compare with his family’s monthly bills when he spotted a section of the contract called “Fatal Accident Insurance Coverage.” Alarmed, Nathan scanned it carefully.

“What’s this about?” he asked.

“You have to choose a beneficiary. It’s just in case anything catastrophic happens, standard part of a contract, sort of like an entry in a big lottery. We haven’t had anything close to an accident in years and years though,” Vince explained, making it seem like no big deal, and for the vast majority of workers, it wouldn’t be. But for Nathan it would make all the difference.

Nathan scratched his cheek and wrote “Cammie Wheeler” in the blank space.

Soon Vince was showing him around the factory. They watched cement trucks fill up and leave the loading docks as they walked around the side of the factory. Climbing a set of stairs, they met Willy on one of the platforms.

“Hey, looks like I got the job. What’s going on?” Nathan asked him, shaking hands again.

“Just trying to make it,” Willy nodded, making Nathan chuckle.

“Just trying to make it, huh?” Nathan smiled.

Together, the three of them followed the platform into the factory, where they beheld the complicated machinery combining, mixing, and storing cement. In the middle of it all, the huge silo towered over everything. Though they were above the factory floor, Nathan still had to crane his neck to view the top of it, which fit snuggly underneath a suspiciously rusty roof.

“Man, that thing is a monster, isn’t it?” he gasped.

*

There was a modest but enthusiastic celebration when Nathan confirmed that he’d gotten the job. They’d have to scrimp and save, but it seemed like they would just make it if everything went according to plan. Nathan even put in a couple hours of overtime during the first few days, enjoying the work and finally letting some of the stress that haunted him slip away.

But the realities of his workplace settled in before long. They were there to do a hard job, whether it was unloading supply trucks, checking the consistency of the cement, or creating specialized moldings.

Attempts to make friends with his coworkers during lunchtime proved fruitless. Often he’d just sit quietly amongst Willy and the rest of them as they told raunchy stories. On the other hand, he wasn’t sure he wanted the attention he was getting from Barb, though mercifully she could only ask him how he was adjusting so many times.

He had found a job, but a place where he still belonged eluded him. He had no choice but to put up with it and grind out the hours though. Still, his heart did a back flip when he found out Sasha was making a surprise visit to see him.

Rushing downstairs past his sister, he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door.

“Where are you going in such a hurry? Did you shave?” Cammie asked him, looking up from her textbook. She got up and went to the end of the room, watching him curiously.

“Just out to dinner. It’s no big deal,” Nathan replied, slipping one arm into the thin brown jacket.

“With whom?” Cammie pried, a scrutinizing look on her face.

“My girlfriend,” Nathan answered, and Cammie leapt and grabbed him by the arm.

“No, you can’t go! You should blow her off!”

Nathan, starting to get upset, brushed her away and shook his head at her. He had to go quickly to make sure he wouldn’t be late and didn’t have time to get into another argument about Sasha’s personal qualities.

“You need to relax, ok?” he said, a note of scolding in his voice. “We’re just going to have dinner.”

“No, you’re not. She came here to break up with you!” Cammie insisted, a serious grimace on her face. “Why else would she just randomly decide to show up?”

“She came here to surprise me. That’s what people in relationships do! I’m sure when you have a boyfriend you’ll start to understand that,” he snapped, slipping through the door and going for his car. In her bare feet, pajama pants, and tank top, Cammie leaned out to call after him.

“I don’t think you’re going to like this surprise, Nathan!” she warned.

Steamed over their argument, Nathan drove to the downtown restaurant where he’d agreed to meet Sasha. Mixed in with thoughts of what Sasha might be wearing and what he could do to make her visit special, he regretted fighting with his sister.

Nathan sat alone at a table for five minutes before Sasha arrived. He’d had plenty of time to glance at the pictures of Italy on the walls and read the entire menu twice, practicing his pronunciation of dishes like “Rigatoni Abruzzi” and “Scallop di Mare.”

His head jerked to the door every time it opened though, and when he finally saw Sasha’s arrestingly beautiful face a broad smile dawned on his. She pursed her lips and closed her eyes for a moment before she jerked down to kiss him.

In another stilted motion, she dropped into the seat across from him, and soon they were settling into the glow of each other’s company.

“We used to come here all the time,” Nathan smiled. “You remember?”

Sasha allowed a smile that didn’t show any of her teeth. She took a sip of water and then a deep breath.

“It wasn’t that often,” she corrected him as Nathan tried to hand her a menu. “But I’m not going to be ordering anything. In fact, I can’t really stay.”

Nathan blinked hard, his face becoming slack and his jaw hanging open just a bit.

“What? Why?” he gasped, suddenly extremely nervous about what was going on. Sasha wilted, bringing her dark eyes to her napkin, which she clutched in her hands. She hadn’t even taken off her sleek black jacket.

“I owe it to you to do this in person,” she whispered, finally mustering the gumption to look at him before she went on. “Things have changed since I went away to college. I’m going through midterms right now, which are just pounding me twenty-four seven—”

“Just get to the point,” Nathan urged, eliciting an icy glare from Sasha.

“Our relationship is over. That’s as straight to the point as I can get.”

The tension between them as hard as cement, Nathan glanced around, swaying as he came to grips with her resolution. The floor had disappeared beneath him, and he was falling into a sickening pool of disgust.

“So after a year of being together you’re just going to throw it all away? I thought I meant something to you. You’re making a big mistake.”

“Am I?” she shot back, becoming heated. “I know you’ve had it tough lately and I’m sorry to do this, but it had to happen. I’m studying to be a lawyer, and you’re a factory worker. Do those two things sound like they go together to you?” she argued.

“I’m not a factory worker. That’s not who I am,” he defended, feeling the sting of her accusation. She was trying to look down on him, and he wouldn’t allow it. All of those things he dreamed of being, they were still inside him. From her words, he concluded that she was just having trouble adjusting to his new life circumstances, and he would have to show her that he still had promise.

“This is just a temporary thing,” he explained. “Once I get everything straightened out here I’ll be able to get back to school. I’m starting to save some money. I’m reading when I can. I’m still going to be a great athletic trainer one day.”

Sighing, Sasha rolled her eyes. She looked tired of this conversation and wanted to find a way out. It was like she hit a deer with her car and was trying to put it out of its misery, but it just wouldn’t die.

“People say that all the time and it never works out. One year at the cement factory turns into two, and then two turns into ten. Face it. You are what you are. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it’s not something I can have in my life.”

Just then Nathan’s cell phone started ringing, and the two of them shared a look of mutual irritation at the unexpected interruption.

“Go ahead and get it,” Sasha consented, taking a deep breath. Nathan dug into his pocket and started inspecting his phone. A pale blue light from the screen caught his face as his eyebrows rose in excitement. Snapping it closed, he returned to Sasha full of lighthearted amusement.

“You’ll never guess what that was! I just got an email from my college stating they’ve accepted my application for deferment. I’m all set to go right back to school in a year. Can you believe it? Future saved!” he mused.

But Sasha did not seem at all pleased by this turn of events. As he glanced at the menu, still hoping to salvage a decent night out, Sasha looked as though the deer she’d been trying to mercy kill had just bitten her arm.

“That wasn’t supposed to happen,” she said in disbelief. Her reason for the break-up had been torn to shreds. It wasn’t the real reason why she needed to dump him though, and now she had no choice but to tell him the truth. A grim snarl marred her face as she steeled herself for the last act of her grisly struggle.

“It just goes to show that sometimes things turn out better than you expect,” Nathan smiled optimistically, reaching for a menu.

“Put it down,” she winced. “That’s not the only thing we have to talk about. I have to break up with you. I’m trying to be nice here and it’s the only fair thing to do.”

“What exactly is the problem then?” Nathan threw up his hands, his brow scrunched low over his eyes in concern.

“Since going off to college, I’ve actually been spending a lot of time talking to your friend Mark. It started off as just random chatting and jokes but then…”

“Whoa, what?” he cringed, pale as a ghost.

“We discovered we had feelings for each other. It’s not like we’ve done anything yet, because you and I were still together, but…”

“Ok, please just stop!” Nathan ordered, his temper rising. He couldn’t imagine suffering from a worse act of cruelty than this. Not only was she going behind his back to seduce his best friend, she’d come in here and fed him some garbage about not having a future as an excuse to break it off. It was despicable, heartless, and low, and for once he finally saw her for what she was, a manipulative, cold-hearted bitch.

“Cammie was right.” Nathan shook his head, chuckling even at the absurdity of it all. They say that true love is blind, but it turns out that false love is blind too, and that’s what had prevented him from seeing the truth.

“Don’t even bring your sister into this,” Sasha sniped, completely repulsed.

“What could you possibly say against her? It turns out she was the one who always had my back, while you were busy just trying to go behind it!” he accused, raising his voice.

Enflamed, Sasha had something akin to fire in her eyes. No, it wasn’t fire. It was more like hatred.

“I hate to say this, but your sister isn’t all she’s cracked up to be. She may be smart, but she’s got the social graces of an autistic. If I were her mother, I would’ve forced her to put down the books once in a while and try to have a life. The only…”

“Don’t you say another word!” Nathan demanded, incensed. Some people had noticed their fight, but he didn’t care. As bad as what she’d done to him was, hearing her talk about Cammie and bring up his mother seemed even worse. Those were things he could not tolerate.

“Lower your voice and stop acting like a child!” she leaned forward over the table and hissed through her teeth.

“Why not, when that’s all you’ve ever treated me like!” he raved. “Cammie was right from the beginning. You don’t care about anyone but yourself, and that’s why you’ve always found ways to needle me and act condescending. I put up with it because there were times when you were sweet and thoughtful, but now I see how few and far between they were. Since Mark’s just as self-absorbed and merciless as you are, you’ll both get the unhappiness you deserve!”

Throwing down his napkin, Nathan got up and stormed out of the restaurant, leaving Sasha behind and hoping to never see her again. Emerging onto the sidewalk, he felt the brisk air brush against him, and he turned for the parking lot. It was nearly dark, and the lights from cars and buildings cast a soft glow over the area. His truck sat right beside him in the parking lot, but he just kept right on walking.

He had to get away from what just happened, had to escape because once it sunk in it would just be too painful. The betrayal, the selfishness, and his own lack of understanding were crushing him.

Nathan was a guy who didn’t want things to be complicated, didn’t want to play games. He’d tell you how he felt and you could trust that it was the truth. There wouldn’t be any revelations later that it had been some kind of phony setup. He didn’t understand why other people didn’t want to behave the same way. It just made life easier.

Striding across the street and into a park, his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans, the bitterness and the resentment started to take hold of him. An entire year of his life had been flushed down the toilet with Sasha, and in his mind he somehow started to connect her to the recent downward spiral his life had taken recently.

Maybe if she’d actually been supportive he would’ve been able to find a better job. Maybe he wouldn’t feel like things were constantly going over his head if she hadn’t kept so much from him. Most of all, maybe he wouldn’t be left feeling abandoned and worthless if she had cared.

Hanging lamps illuminated a path covered in fallen leaves leading through the park. He wanted to be alone because then no one could see his pain, but at the same time he desired the kind of close contact that would make him forget about what had befallen him. No one else was around, and Nathan’s pace slackened into a sulking stroll as he approached the park’s beautiful pond.

Between reflecting lights from buildings in the distance, and the glimmer of stars and the moon above, a light glow illuminated the pond. Nathan had so many thoughts and emotions to sort through that he feared he’d never be able to take control of them again, but he could still appreciate the calming beauty of this place.

Coming to a stop, he turned at the water’s edge and watched the reflection ripple on the surface. A soft October breeze pushed through the trees, sending a few more leaves down around him. His striking, yearning brown eyes searched the water for something to guide him, and his receptive expression, a trial of hope, was just what I’d been waiting for.

To impress a man, the most important factor is patience. It’s the timing that determines whether a sweet gesture gets thrown into a pile of half-neglected joys or shoots straight to the heart and resonates in his very core. Too much happiness, too much affection, and too much attention diminishes them all, making them indistinguishable.

No, it’s when that last semblance of satisfaction has vanished and gloom has taken over completely that a single ray of sunshine can seem like earth-shattering good fortune. That’s why I’ve been waiting for when Nathan was at his darkest.

At that moment, as he was staring blankly out at the water, something small dropped into the pond from the sky. It fell very fast and hit the surface with such force that it sent waves in all directions. A splash leapt into the air like an arm reaching from underneath and kept building into an entrancing and intriguing shape.

As the splash kicked into the air, hanging there and branching out, Nathan could’ve sworn it took the shape of a woman. She had her arms out as if she were dancing, her endearing face as clear as the water that composed her.

I can’t tell you what the odds of this happening are because the odds don’t matter to me. If I decide something will occur, it has a one-hundred-percent chance of happening. It took eons for that meteorite to sail toward Earth, burn up in the atmosphere until it was just a speck, and then plunk into the pond like a pebble. But to me, in my home outside of time, it all happened simultaneously.

For all the waves I made when I formed this figure springing up from of the pond, it sent bigger ripples into Nathan’s heart. It was my hope that he would catch a glimpse of something altogether entrancing and stunning that waited for him.

Even if he couldn’t understand it, I wanted him to know I was coming.

Chapter 4

Just to make it clear, I don’t like to get directly involved in human affairs unless I have to. Being in a body is so constricting, so limiting. It’s like wearing a mask that never lets you breath quite right. And of course there are all those strange sensations and feelings I’m not used to. I much prefer the vast space time affords me to stretch out.

But I make exceptions, and, as I said, Nathan is a very special and deserving case. It’s all part of my job to maintain order and fairness in the universe, even though most of the time things spiral out of control and I have to just chalk it all up to fate. In case you’re wondering, I can already tell that this is going to cause a disaster too. But then again we knew it was going to end in disaster from the beginning, and all that’s left is to find out if this one is better or worse.

Nathan cried that night over his separation from Sasha, though he kept it under wraps as best he could. Cammie was far too kind to say she’d told him so, and he went right up to his room without a word. Somewhere in his mind, he was still confused about what he’d seen in the pond before gravity pulled it back down to nothingness, but he would find out soon enough. He hated being so emotional and vulnerable, especially when he used to be known for his unflappable high spirits.

Only one day remained before the workweek would begin again, and that would be five days of having Sasha grinding away at his soul while he did his grueling work at the cement factory. That meant I had just one day to turn things around, and I had the perfect plan in mind.

Nathan was downtown running errands for his grandmother. Walking down the street, he was looking for a drug store that could fill Gladys’s prescription for sleeping pills. As he strolled along the sidewalk past trees and brush surrounding a government building, his sculpted arms swaying at his side and his messy brown hair drifting adorably over his forehead, he looked deep in thought. I needed something provocative to get his attention, and it’s a good thing it was a pretty warm day otherwise appearing naked in public would’ve been a big problem.

Leaning out from behind a tree, a building at my back, I stuck my head through the bushes to beckon the dashing young man walking by.

“Excuse me! Excuse me!” I said, and Nathan started to look around as though a fly were accosting him. “Over here!”

Finally catching sight of me, he gestured to himself to make sure I was really talking to him. Perhaps it was my looks or maybe it was just surprise at seeing someone hiding in the bushes, but the cutest expression of curiosity struck him. He crept forward, his eyes widening when he caught sight of my bare shoulder.

“Are you naked?” he gasped, his mouth hanging open.

“Yes, and I need your help!”

His eyebrows scrunched up, and I could see him puzzling to make sense of the situation. He was in something of a trance, and if I had my way he’d keep his eyes fixed on me like that for the rest of the day.

“What, are your friends playing a prank on you or something?” he guessed.

“Sure. That works,” I nodded, happy to go along with whatever explanation he liked. “My terrible friends stripped off my clothes and left me stranded here. I just need you to do something for me, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Wow,” he gawked. “Are you pledging for a sorority? I’ve heard about them doing stuff like this. Maybe you should rethink if you really want to join.”

Clutching the wooden tree, I prepared to make my proposal and hoped he would go along with it. Because if there’s one thing I can’t do, it’s make decisions for people, and so this first sign of agreement would be crucial. If he says no, I’ll have a hard time ever becoming anything meaningful to him. I just have to trust that he’s still the good person he will be someday.

“I’ll definitely rethink whether or not I want to join, but first I have to stop being naked so I can come out and thank you properly. Here’s what I need you to do. Turn around and walk into the back alley you just passed. When you get to the second door on the left, a woman will emerge carrying a bag of clothes she’s about to throw away. Get them from her and bring them to me,” I explained, watching him and holding my breath for his response.

He peered at me carefully and scratched his neck. I tried to remain confident and look back into his deep brown eyes, but a strange tingle shot through my spine and I started to blink. Before I could regain control of my stupid body, he was laughing openly, a hand over his face.

“You must think I’m the biggest sucker ever! Is this how you’re scamming people now? What’s going to happen when I go into the back alley, two guys with clubs are going to give me a warm welcome?”

“No, I’m serious. You have to trust me,” I said, a little desperation creeping into my voice. “You have to hurry or you’ll miss it.”

Even though he didn’t trust me, and he’d flat out pegged my plea as a scam, he didn’t leave. As my body did things I didn’t want it to, like get watery in the eyes, he kept watching me, and I wasn’t going anywhere.

“If this is how people are getting mugged these days, it’s going to work every time,” he grumbled, scratching the back of his head as he shook it. “ I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

Sighing, he turned around and prepared to follow my directions. I can’t tell you how relieved I was.

“Thank you so much! I promise nothing bad will happen. Hurry!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he griped, starting off. Peeking around the corner into the narrow alley, all he saw were garbage cans and trash here and there. Not a person existed between where he stood and the street on the opposite side. Casting a quick glance back in my direction, though I was safely out of sight, he cringed and ducked into the alley. The buildings weren’t even, and so he checked into every crevice as he avoided small puddles on the way to the second door on the left.

Reaching it, he stared at the plain gray door which had a dumpster beside it. Taking a deep breath, exhaling, and waiting, he looked around nervously.

“Ok. I’m here. You can jump me now,” he goaded the door.

It burst open a second later, revealing a thin black-haired woman with her hair done up. She had a garbage bag in her hand and she was halfway through swinging it into the dumpster when she realized Nathan stood right before her.

“Whoa, what are you doing?” She jumped, recoiling into the doorway. Nathan couldn’t believe what was happening, and he just stared blankly, deeply perturbed.

“Are those clothes?” he stammered at last.

“Just take them!” the woman said, dropping the bag and scampering back inside. I just thought he would get them out of the trash, but this worked too, even if it left one woman frightened for her life. Do you see how easily things spiral out of control?

When Nathan returned to me, he had a dumbstruck look on his face. He plodded slowly, carrying the garbage bag in his right hand and letting it brush against his leg. I was still by the tree and the bushes, trying to make sure no one else saw me.

“I have the clothes,” he said simply, still in awe.

“Thank you so much! That’s so sweet of you. Here, hand them over.”

My face against the bark, I reached out through the bushes and felt the slick plastic bag in my hand. Ducking behind the tree, I started to get dressed. Grappling with what happened, Nathan just stood on the sidewalk while other people walked by.

“That woman didn’t know I was coming. She was just going to throw out her clothes. But you knew she was going to do that. Do you know her?” he asked.

“No,” I answered.

“Then how did you know she was going to do that?” he wondered as I emerged from the brush. I had on a cute pair of blue jeans and a plaid button up shirt. The only thing keeping me from looking like an authentic cowgirl was that the bag had sandals in it instead of boots. “And how did you know the clothes would fit?”

“Lucky guess. Sometimes you just have to leave it up to fate and trust it’ll lead you in the right direction. Am I right?” I smiled at him, stepping onto the sidewalk. He caught sight of me for the first time in my entirety, and in the nearby window of a hardware store I was able to glimpse myself for the first time too. I had golden blonde hair that tickled between my shoulder blades, blue eyes promising of infinity, and the kind of soft complexion that Nathan couldn’t seem to take his eyes away from.

I suddenly got this feeling from him looking at me that made my heart beat faster. I couldn’t explain what it was exactly, something magnetic that drew us together, and soon I was looking back into his eyes, wondering what exactly was behind them. I was the variable meant to make his life better before he selflessly gave it up, and now I would have to live up to promise.

“I want to thank you for trusting me. Most people probably wouldn’t have,” I said shyly, brushing the hair out of my eyes.

“It’s not a problem. I think most people wouldn’t have a problem helping you,” he added.

“Is that so?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Of course. By the way, I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you before. I’m Nathan,” he said, holding out his hand. “What’s your name?”

“My name? That’s a good question.” I hesitated while holding his strong hand and feeling his grip. What was the name of this girl I saw reflected in the hardware store window? She had a poster right next to her that must’ve been made by hand because it had an obvious spelling error on it. Then it all made sense.

“Apoxy. My name’s Apoxy,” I told him, and he gave me another curious glance. “It’s British.”

“Are your parents from Britain?” he asked.

“No, but they loved the Beatles,” I explained.

Right at that moment, a bus pulled up behind us and a few people started getting off. I casually drifted closer to the bus, tugging his eyes along with me as though they were attached by a string.

I hopped into the doorway of the bus, leaning against the side and crossing my arms. You should’ve seen the look on Nathan’s face when he thought I was going to leave him there like that after what we just went through. His muscles constricted like he was going to have a heart attack. The least I could do was bring him along, right?

“So you coming?” I inquired, picking at the rubber as though it really didn’t matter to me either way. And now Nathan had a new set of choices before him. Would he really blow off everything he had to do to follow a strangely alluring young woman to destinations unknown? Considering his fragile emotional state, I had a hunch he might just go for it.

“What am I getting myself into now?” he reeled, following after me. I continued up the steps into the bus, starting down the aisle and sliding into one of the few remaining empty seats. Nathan sat next to me, his hip and leg touching mine ever so slightly. He was a fair bit larger than I was, taking up a good portion of the seat, but somehow I didn’t seem to mind being crunched against the window as long as it was next to him.

“Where is this bus going anyway?” he burst, on the edge of bewilderment.

“I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out,” I replied as it took off and joined traffic.

I didn’t talk for a while, instead choosing to watch the buildings go by and try to figure out how he was responding to me. Every now and then I’d sense him looking at me or my reflection in the glass. As long as he was doing that, I could trust he wasn’t worrying over Sasha or his family’s bills. I would take him as far away from those things as I possibly could.

“Are you still cold from being exposed? I could lend you my jacket,” he offered, and I finally shifted to face him. My elbow on the windowsill, I twirled a lock of hair in my fingers.

“That’s so sweet of you, but I’m not concerned about it. This body isn’t really mine anyway,” I quibbled.

“What does that mean?” he chuckled, completely absorbed in the ridiculousness of it.

“You’ll just have to use your imagination.”

Pursing his lips, he fought gently against my teasing. I went back to staring at the seat in front of us, much preferring to listen to him squirming with the mystery of it beside me.

“Come on, you have to tell me something!” he begged. “One more stop and we’ll be out of town. Do you know me somehow, or one of my friends maybe? What were you really doing in the bushes by the government office? How did you know that woman was going to throw away her clothes? Where are we going anyway?”

I just shook my head. These weren’t the kinds of questions I wanted to hear. He was focusing on all the wrong things.

“I don’t have to tell you anything, Nathan,” I said sternly. “I don’t know what you think this is, but I’m heading somewhere, and I don’t really know who you are or why you’re here. So forgive me if I don’t divulge any personal information.”

Crossing my arms, I went back to staring out the window.

“But, Apoxy, you asked me to come with you!” he argued, and I answered without looking back.

“I did, and now you’re here. So why does it have to be more than that? Right now, we’re just going somewhere, and there’s no reason to think about what came before or what’s going to come after. If that’s too much for you, we’re coming up to the next stop.”

This bus started to slow down, meaning Nathan’s chance to get off had come. He sighed, acquiescing. I knew he was just having trouble letting go of the need to figure out what was going on. I wouldn’t hold it against him.

“No, it’s fine. I could use a break from everything. Seems like it’s just been one bad turn after another, and even when I try and make things better for my sister and grandmother it never seems to stay good for long.”

I gave him a probing look, trying to figure out what he meant. The strain he was under was obvious, but there was something else hidden just underneath I couldn’t pin down. Maybe it was disappointment that he hadn’t done better for them.

“Tell me about your sister.” That’s all it took for Nathan to light up. He almost blushed as he flipped through his thoughts of her. No matter which ones he chose, they all seemed to cheer him up.

“Cammie is really one of a kind,” he began, nodding thoughtfully. “Sharp as a tack, a memory like a computer, and fierce when it comes to her convictions and what she believes in. You can just tell she has a bright future in front of her, that she’s going to do something important. I just wish I could do more to get her there, and if I’m the reason she gets held back I’ll never be able to live with myself. It’s safe to say she got all the brains in our family.”

“Oh yeah? And what did you get?” I asked.

Nathan rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat.

“My stomach is like a bottomless pit,” he shrugged.

“That has its advantages too!” I laughed.

“Yeah, I could put a Chinese buffet out of business in one trip. But I try to use my powers for good instead of evil,” he reassured.

We kept talking as the bus moved along. I tried to keep the topics of conversation light and cheerful. He’d ask about me now and then, but let’s just say I wasn’t very forthcoming with the details. The buildings became sparser as we moved away from the city.

“Wow, we’re pretty far out here, aren’t we?” he gaped, watching the trees go by through the window as he leaned over me. “Do you live around here?”

“No, I don’t,” I answered.

“So you live back in the city?”

“I don’t live there either.”

“So you don’t live in the city and you don’t live outside of it…that doesn’t make sense. You have to live somewhere. Where is it?” he pried with a smile.

“I hate to break this to you, but I don’t live anywhere because I’m not alive,” I confessed with a shake of the head, sending the blonde hair attached to it swaying back and forth.

“You love teasing me, don’t you?” He was tickled, and I was glad for it, because I’d much rather be mysterious than lie to him about what I was. Right now, some attention from a down-to-Earth girl would be far more enchanting than a spirit from infinity meddling in his life.

“Oh look! We’re just about here!” I said, sending Nathan’s eyes toward the window, where he viewed an unbroken chain of trees. Confused, he turned his attention back to me.

“Where are we?” he wondered.

“I don’t know…here,” I answered to the best of my knowledge.

“Those aren’t even your clothes. You obviously don’t have any money,” he concluded. “How are you expecting to pay for the bus?”

Pretending to worry, I glanced down at our feet as the bus came to a harsh stop. He did the same, and together we watched a twenty-dollar bill slide under our seat and get lodged between his feet.

“Looks like it’s our lucky day!” I grinned. He picked up the bill and marveled at it in his hand.

“This is unbelievable! Do you have any idea how rare it is to find money on the floor of a bus? If anybody else had seen this there’d be a riot!”

“Maybe you need to ride the buses out of town more often. They work a little differently. Come on, let’s go,” I urged him, but he couldn’t let go of it even as we moved toward the front and paid for our trip.

The bus had stopped at a small grocery store that doubled as a bus station in a one-streetlight town. There were a few houses here and there, but mostly sparse woods still covered the bulk of the land. The bus pulled away, leaving us behind.

“I think we got off at the wrong stop,” Nathan concluded, uncertainty all over his face.

“No, we didn’t. Come on.” I took his hand to pull him along, which seemed to get his attention real quick. Considering the hard labor he did, his hand had some roughness to it, but it still felt warm. When he pulled even to me, I let it go, not wanting to give him too many ideas.

We didn’t have far to go. We passed the grocery store and a thick section of trees that had shed most of their leaves when we came to a small grove in the woods. Immediately, the sound of children laughing hit our ears, and I turned to watch Nathan’s reaction because I knew how thrilled he would be.

It wasn’t even a park, just a clearing in the trees where a handful of eight-year-olds were playing. They’d dragged a trampoline out here and were leaping from it onto a ten-foot-high pile of leaves that they’d raked together. Completely delighted, these boys and girls flung themselves into the massive pile, swimming away just before the next one hit.

The scene appealed to all of Nathan’s boyish enthusiasm. It was the pure fun of youth that got to him, and he appeared moved by something so innocently astonishing and simple.

“That looks so dangerous…and so awesome!” he cheered.

“I think your turn is coming up next!” I urged him, and together we jogged over to join the children in their Sunday afternoon games. As good-natured kids so often do, they welcomed us into their group, doubly excited that “big people” wanted to play with them.

“Go ahead!” one boy called to Nathan when the last of his friends had cleared from the trampoline.

“If you insist,” he acquiesced, kicking off his shoes and socks and setting his feet in the orange and red leaves. Reveling in the moment, he climbed onto the trampoline and hopped out to the middle. These kids must’ve spent all morning raking together leaves, and there were just a sea of them stretching out in front of Nathan.

This wasn’t a small trampoline, and Nathan was not a small guy, so it wasn’t hard for him at all to gain some serious altitude. The kids were holding the sides of the trampoline as he soared in the air above them. He had the most delighted smile plastered on his face.

“Whoa!” all the kids called in unison as Nathan launched himself toward the leaves. He soared through the air, spreading his arms and legs wide before he collided face first against the huge fluffy mass. He was laughing and sinking and rolling around.

“You next!” another one of the kids called to me.

“Me? But I don’t know how. I think you’d better show me,” I suggested, allowing the kids to take another run before I climbed up myself. The springy mesh felt cool beneath my feet before it sent me shooting into the air. For a second, I felt weightless, which is what it feels like to be suspended above time. Everyone watched me as I propelled myself forward into the colorful heap of leaves. They held me when I fell into them, brushing against me everywhere. There were so many sensations running through this body, and they all felt thrilling.

“Hey, you’ve got something in your hair,” Nathan noticed, reaching for a leaf stuck near the side of my head. While he removed it, I felt his fingers softly pressing against me, and I have to admit that felt nice too.

“What are your names?” one little girl asked. She had on a puffy pink jacket, and Nathan kneeled down beside her.

“My name’s Nathan, and her name is Apoxy.”

“She’s pretty,” the girl observed, making me blush. Nathan didn’t seem inclined to argue.

“That’s sweet of you to say. You’re very pretty too. What’s your name?” I asked.

“Vanessa,” she squeaked before sensing an opening and diving onto the trampoline to take another turn. We jumped and jumped until our legs were sore and we had bits of leaves coming out of our ears. It never seemed to get old, especially to the kids who started leaping in all the funniest poses.

“Wait!” I called to Nathan as he was about to take another jump.

“What?” he asked, but I was already climbing onto the trampoline to join him. Soon both of us were bouncing up and down just inches apart, letting gravity work its magic against us. Our hair whipped around but we managed to find each other’s eyes, and it made me so happy to see how carefree Nathan seemed.

“Ok, ready? One…Two…Three!”

We flew through the air together, landing in the soft bank of leaves. We fell on our sides, and soon we were motionless, giggling side by side, entranced in each other. He looked so handsome and I couldn’t look away from him. But for everything I saw in him, I had a good hunch about what he saw in me.

Have you ever watched someone fall in love with you? It’s almost impossible to detect because it’s not any specific action or movement. It’s almost the absence of movement, when that feeling just washes over him and all of a sudden he begins to exude love. That’s what I saw in Nathan in that moment, while we waded in a pile of colorful leaves.

I thought he was going to kiss me when he craned his neck the tiniest bit and his eyelids started to appear so heavy, but the kids had other plans.

“Oomph!” we groaned together as a pair of kids smacked into us, their flailing bodies sprawled on top of us. How foolish we were to have a moment when we were right in the line of fire and there were children waiting behind us.

We climbed out of the leaves, still wondering what might have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted, when one of the boys started acting up on the trampoline. He’d lost control of himself and was jumping higher than he could handle.

“I’m gonna do a flip!” he crowed, and before anyone could do anything he was spinning head over heels in the air. But he wasn’t moving forward enough to make the leaves, and it looked like he would crash into the metal edge of the trampoline. His hands reached out at the last second, catching the bar and swinging him over onto the ground. Shocked, he just held himself there for a moment, wheezing.

“You got lucky there, but let’s not try that again,” Nathan said to him, though he was looking at me when he said it. It made me nervous to wonder if he knew I had been involved. Luckily for me, I was saved by the sound of a bell ringing from the house across the street.

“Pumpkin carving!” the kids cheered, abandoning the leaves and rushing for a house covered in Halloween decorations. Vanessa was pushing Nathan’s back to make sure he came. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she liked him. Soon we were at a long picnic table in the backyard when one of the kid’s mothers emerged.

“Looks like you made a few friends. How nice. There’s more than enough pumpkins for everyone!”

The mother gestured over to the side of the house where they had their very own pumpkin patch. Vines and big orange pumpkins were taking over the lawn, but the day to fight back against them had finally come. We all started crawling through the patch, hacking through the thick stalks and hauling the pumpkins back to the table. One kid wanted one that was so big Nathan and I had to carry it together.

Soon I was sitting in front of a modest pumpkin, wondering how best to rip out its insides. It’s funny how I know what lots of things are, but using them or doing them is a little beyond my experience. I tried to just copy what the kids were doing, cutting a hole in the top, but Nathan must’ve been observing me pretty closely because he came over to help.

“Here, just like this. Cut at an angle so the lid doesn’t fall inside.”

“Thank you,” I said, a little embarrassed that I needed a demonstration and yet secretly pleased that he had given me one. The day seemed to be going so well, which wasn’t a surprise to me at all, but it was still nice to watch it happen.

The kids were busy burying their arms inside the pumpkins to scoop out the innards. A massive pile of pumpkin slop collected on the center of the picnic table. Nathan looked hard at work, almost ready to begin to carve a face into the side. He looked a bit too serious for my liking though, and I had to come up with a way to change that. All of a sudden a little bit of pumpkin filling smacked into his cheek.

The kids started laughing immediately, and Nathan just gawked in disbelief. He quickly reached into his pumpkin to pull out more of the orange insides and fling them at me.

“Ahh!” I squealed, trying in vain to block them. Ok, maybe I let him hit me, but that’s half the fun. The kids didn’t hesitate to dig their hands into the pile of goop and soon there were pumpkin bits flying every which way. Pumpkin seeds, juice, and guts coated us all in minutes. It was so funny and we couldn’t stop laughing.

Soon we were all attacking Nathan, and he tried desperately to fight us all off. Some of the kids were using their pumpkins as shields, and the one child who already had a face in his set it on his head as a helmet.

“What’s going on here?” the mother gasped when she exited the home’s back door. Everyone froze, though it was clear everyone was guilty. “Who started this?”

“It was your son!” I accused, and the kid went pale.

“Good boy!” the mother laughed, putting us all at ease. She snickered light-heartedly before saying she’d go back inside and try to find some towels.

We sat back down to continue our carving, and while I was cutting out some eyes I happened to catch Nathan glancing at me now and then. Whenever I’d look at him, he’d quickly look away as though it had all been an accident.

All of the pumpkins turned out beautifully. They were ghoulish and scary and so artful. It was just getting dark when it came time for us to leave, allowing us to get a glimpse of what they’d look like in the dark with a candle inside. We’d cleaned up as best we could, though we both had spots on our clothes and smelled powerfully of pumpkin.

Waving goodbye to the kids, we thanked them for playing and wished them a great Halloween tomorrow and a good haul of candy. They were all sad to see us go, but we had to get a move on if we were going to catch the bus I knew was coming. It pulled up right as soon as we returned to the grocery store. Hopping on, we took our seats and started our trip back to the city.

We were quiet for a while, exhausted but pleased. I knew this day would be the perfect way to impress him, and to be honest I enjoyed it as well. Plus it hadn’t ended in disaster, which surprised me, even though I knew it would happen eventually. I’d been walking a fine line, trying to make him happy without leading him on, but by the way he looked at me I knew I’d crossed it. That must be the disaster that waited for us ahead, the moment when he realizes he could never have me because I don’t exist.

“Come on,” I said to him, urging him up. He followed me off the bus and we stood by its entrance as a few other people exited.

“I just want to say thank you, Apoxy. This really was a dream. It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed something like this. I—”

“Shh,” I said, putting my pumpkin covered finger to his lips. “There’s no need to talk about it. Just let it be what it was and carry it with you in your heart.”

“What do you say we…”

“I can’t,” I countered.

“Why not?”

“Because this is your stop, not mine.”

I hopped back on the bus right before the door closed. We kept our eyes locked as it started away until I vanished from sight. Soon he was standing there on the sidewalk just like when I’d met him. He spun around, trying to figure out where he was, and realized he was right in front of a drug store where he could get his grandmother’s prescription sleeping pills.

Chapter 5

When Nathan got home, he stopped inside the entrance after hanging up his jacket. He had a strange look on his face, like he smelled something funny and was trying to figure out what it was. In the adjoining rooms, Cammie was wearing a cat costume and reading while Gladys watched TV. They started to take notice of him when he didn’t come right in.

“You’re home late,” Cammie said, her eyes fixed to her book.

“Yeah…” Nathan agreed, plenty of disbelief in his voice. Clearing his throat, he finally took a few steps in, leaning against the archway between rooms. “Something strange happened. I met a girl.”

“Doesn’t sound too strange. They seem to be crawling around everywhere,” Cammie quipped dryly, and Gladys chuckled in the background.

Nathan put his fingers to his lips though, reflecting on an incredibly unusual day.

“No, this one was different.  She was…just wow,” he stammered. His breathtaking wonder got Cammie’s attention, and she swiftly slammed her book closed.

“Oh, you mean you ‘met’ met a girl!” she grasped, jumping to her feet so she could look her brother in the face. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Tell me what happened.”

Nathan started telling the story of the day’s events, the girl in the bushes and getting me clothes. He’d barely been able to mention that we’d gotten on a bus before Cammie flew off into a rage.

“You’re lucky you’re not cut up in pieces right now!” she wailed. “I don’t care how pretty she is. If you want to talk to someone, go to a coffee shop. Don’t let them send you into dark alleys and follow them around town.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Nathan jumped in, trying to calm her down. “I thought of that too, but it was really no problem. She actually knew this spot just outside of the city where there were kids playing in leaves and carving pumpkins. It sounds funny to say, but good things always seem to happen around her. I can’t quite figure it out.”

He smiled as he spoke, letting himself get wrapped up in the memories. This was in stark contrast to Cammie, who seemed to get more upset every second.

“I don’t trust her. I think you should just probably forget about her and hope she doesn’t come around for another shot at robbing you blind.”

“Relax, ok?” Nathan laughed, knocking the kitten ears Cammie wore on her head. “I’m supposed to be the one taking care of you. It’ll probably be easy to go without seeing her. She just left and didn’t leave me a phone number or anything.”

“I can’t say I’m sorry to hear that,” Cammie added, perhaps having a change of heart over her brother’s experience when she heard I was fully out of the picture. “What’s her name anyway?”

“Apoxy.”

Cammie’s only reaction was to head over to the dining room table where the familiar stacks of bills were spread out.

“Don’t let her stick inside your head too much, because we’ve got a lot more important things to worry about. We’re still not making ends meet, and Mom’s inheritance is practically gone. Do you think you could pick up an extra couple hours of overtime here and there?” she asked.

Groaning, Nathan set his hands on the edge of the table and surveyed the sea of bills before him. He already felt like he spent his whole life at the cement factory, and so the thought of a few more hours was a needle in his heart.

“I mean, I’ll do it, but another couple hours isn’t going to make much of a difference. Maybe we need to start cutting back on our expenses. What can we get rid of? The cable can probably go.”

“What?” Gladys moaned from the other room.

“We’re going to have to start making some tough decisions. The cable can go pretty easily. We’ve probably got too many phones too. Let’s kill the house phone and keep our cell phones.”

“Then Grandma won’t have a phone she can use when we’re not around during the day,” Cammie whispered to Nathan. He threw up his hands, flustered.

“What else is there, the electricity? It’s not like we can move to a smaller place. That would cost too much money. So we’re just sort of stuck here trying to make it work.”

It didn’t take long talking about bills and finances before the stress started to set in. It made everything feel like such an intractable struggle, like they were trying to swim across an ocean but didn’t seem to be going anywhere.

The worst part about it was that Cammie had to spend so much time sorting it all out. Both the amount of time and the stress she endured couldn’t be good for her schoolwork. That’s what really got to Nathan about the whole situation. Not being able to give her more peace of mind made him disappointed in himself.

“We’ll find a way to figure it out. Don’t worry,” Nathan said, putting his hand on Cammie’s costumed shoulder. She was really just a kid and shouldn’t have to be worrying about this stuff.

“I know we will,” Cammie affirmed, putting her hand on his and turning to look back at him. It was hard to tell who was comforting whom, or if they were both saying things they didn’t believe for the benefit of the other.

*

As much as I enjoyed playing in leaves with kids, that was just the beginning of the fun Nathan and I could have together. Now that he was comfortable with me and I was sure he wouldn’t freak out, I was anxious to get to the more thrilling stuff and really blow his mind. There are some things out there that people can only dream of experiencing, and I was excited about the possibility of guiding him through them.

Ever since the day we met, Nathan began looking for me everywhere he went. Whenever he caught sight of a wisp of blonde hair fluttering about the mall, he had to find out whether or not it was me. Of course, it never was, and soon he began to feel guilty about chasing after a girl he had never really known and who clearly didn’t seem to have any interest in knowing him.

That didn’t stop him from trying though, and it’s a good thing too because then he might’ve missed me when I finally returned to him.

Driving in his truck and tapping his thumbs against the steering wheel as he listened to music on the radio, Nathan cruised down the street in the middle of traffic. Glancing over at the sidewalk, he caught sight of a striking young woman walking down the street who happened to be me.

Shock gripped him and he took a deep breath as though he’d just stepped in a cold shower. Immediately, he fidgeted and squirmed to try and get a better look at me amongst parked cars and other pedestrians. Was it really me? Could he really be that lucky?

I was walking casually, well aware of how he was getting stuck at a light behind me. There wasn’t a free parking space anywhere, and I wondered if he’d park in the middle of the street and run me down. He needed to make up his mind soon because I was getting away.

“Apoxy!” he yelled, sticking his upper body out of the driver’s side window while trying to maintain control of the vehicle. I paid him no mind though, leading him on as though I were oblivious.

The cars in front of him mercifully started to move again, but right as he started to catch up to me I hopped in the back of a cab and took off down an intersecting street. Nathan sighed, squeezing his eyes shut, and then turned the wheel to follow after me. I knew he wouldn’t let me get away, so what was the harm of making him work for it a little bit?

My cab took a few more turns and Nathan’s truck was always directly behind us. I looked to the right so he could see my profile, erasing any last doubt about my identity. By the time I faced forward again, he was honking his horn and waving. He’d get to see me soon enough, and so I told the driver to keep going.

We were headed toward a rundown section of the city on the outskirts where people rarely went. Empty, condemned office buildings that were five or six stories high dominated the area. Many of them had been demolished, so many so that the street had a layer of dust on it and half the lots looked just like sand.

There wasn’t another car in sight, and Nathan glanced about apprehensively. He could have no idea why I was leading him out here, but it would absolutely be something he’d never forget.

Deep in the heart of this urban wasteland, I had the driver pull up to one particularly decrepit-looking building. Half the windowpanes were gone and the ones that remained had holes where rocks had been thrown through them. The building actually seemed to slump in the middle, buckling under its own weight.

To the cab driver’s surprise, his meter started to malfunction and I didn’t have to pay for the ride, which was good because I didn’t have any money on me anyway. I exited the vehicle and Nathan’s truck was immediately coming up behind me.

“Stop right there!” I said, holding out my hand and judging the distance between his vehicle and the building. It should be safe this far away.

The grumbling cab driver drove off, and I turned for the building as Nathan jumped out of his vehicle and chased after me.

I didn’t have to open the front door to enter the building, rather I stepped through the broken glass pane into a small reception area with rotting walls and a soggy carpet. Parts of the ceiling had been torn out, exposing ventilation tubing and leaving bits of tile strewn about the floor. The place was a mess.

“Wait!” Nathan called, squeezing through the door behind me. The carpet made a squishing noise when I turned to greet him.

“Nathan, what are you doing here?” I asked, feigning confusion. But I didn’t wait for an answer before pushing open a door that led to a creaky stairwell.

“I can’t believe I found you again,” he said, following me up the stairs. “Why are you here?”

“You mean on Earth?”

“I mean this building! You know, we probably shouldn’t be here. It looks pretty dangerous,” he warned. He reached out for my arm but I slipped away as I turned up the next flight of stairs.

“If you can’t handle it, maybe you should just leave,” I taunted him, shrugging and flashing a furtive grin.

“Oh, I can handle it,” he assured me, smiling right back. “But can we at least stop and talk for a second?”

There were only two more flights of stairs before I reached the fifth floor at the top. Paint was flaking away everywhere, and there were holes in the walls where someone had taken a sledgehammer. I was starting to feel the excitement. We were so close to something unforgettable.

Opening the door at the top of the stairs, I entered into a long, wide room that stretched clear to the other end of the building. Thick pillars ran from the floor to the ceiling here and there. Rows of outdated, dusty desks were the only occupants. Wires hung from the ceiling and the place smelled of mildew. Through the broken and missing windows, we could see that similarly dilapidated buildings surrounded us.

I strolled across the room, coming to one section of the floor that had a deep depression in it. The carpet stretched over a gap in the floor, and I had to run for a few steps before I could leap over it. Turning once I’d made it, I waited to see if Nathan would follow me. He just stared at the strange hole barely concealed by ragged carpet. His face went pale.

“If you’d like to talk, we can do so right over here,” I said, gesturing to a spot between the desks that didn’t seem to be special but was. I crossed my arms over my chest and tapped my foot.

“I…ok, I can do this,” he stammered, exhaling deeply. The gap was only a few feet wide, and he had no problem jumping it. It was just the mental obstacle of doing something out of the ordinary that he had to overcome.

“There, no sweat, right?” I asked, waving him over. He nodded, finally joining me.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I never got a phone number, email, anything,” he said.

“I don’t have any of those things,” I explained. “Here, I want you to stand right in this spot,” I said, tugging him beside one of the pillars. On the desk was a phone, and I shoved it into his hands. The cord ran from the phone down into the floor. “Hold this and don’t let go.”

“Why?” he asked, trying to laugh at it despite being totally in the dark.

“We’re about to have some fun,” I grinned, brushing my hair back over my shoulder. “You’ll have a story to tell that your friends won’t believe!”

“A story? About what?” he wondered, scanning me curiously. I stepped closer to him so I could whisper.

“I want to show you that when something’s falling, you don’t have to be afraid. This building’s about to collapse.”

“What? No!” he scoffed, taking a step back.

“I said don’t move!” I tugged him back to the spot by the pillar. “There’s about to be an earthquake.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” He rolled his eyes, but his expression turned to shock when a tremor in the ground made the building start to shake. I immediately put my back to his chest and wrapped his free hand around my waist.

“Everything’s going to be fine. Just promise me you’ll do exactly what I say. Whatever you do, don’t let go of me or the phone”

“Apoxy, this is ridiculous!” he shouted, but there was already so much noise. The sound of an explosion down below hit us as a heating oil tank ruptured. The building continued to rumble and the floor beneath our feet dipped.

“Isn’t this fun?” I laughed, but all I could hear from Nathan was heavy breathing. The gap in the floor widened, tearing the carpet apart. That other half of the building was falling away from this one, and we glanced down at the floor below where pillars were collapsing and the floors were imploding into one another. Fires had broken out near the bottom.

“I can’t! I have to! Holy shit!” he hollered as the floor below our feet gave way, breaking apart and falling. We tumbled down, losing our footing as the floor became vertical. Nathan’s arm caught me hard around my waist before I fell. The phone cord held for just long enough to swing us onto the floor below before it snapped free under our weight.

We landed on our sides amidst some rubble. More banging and shaking echoed all around us. I glanced quickly at Nathan and saw he was completely panicked.

“Come on! We have to keep moving!” I urged him. If we didn’t do everything exactly as I had planned it, this really would be a disaster. Nathan hobbled to his feet and went right for an open window.

“No, not that way!” I yelled, grabbing his arm and yanking him the opposite way. He’d never make the jump, but he wasn’t thinking clearly enough to know that. I led him away from the huge gap in the floor, away from the opposite half of the building that crumbled right before our eyes.

We stopped suddenly when a ceiling tile dropped right in front of us. Rushing over it, we headed for another crack that was cleaving into the building. The floor tore open in front of us, revealing a section of the ventilation tubing that we would use to slide to the floor below.

“Nathan!” I urged, but he froze. I pushed against him, trying to get him to climb in. We didn’t have any time to waste. “You have to get in now!”

Thankfully he did what I said, and soon I watched him slip down the chute to the floor below. As soon as he rolled out of the way, I hopped in and followed behind. It was exhilarating and I loved the wind whipping through my hair.

“Now what?” he coughed as I got to my feet. We were getting closer to the fires, and the smoke started to fill the air. The third floor appeared much shorter than the others because the floors above were about to crash down on top of it.

I raced around the collapsed section of ceiling containing the ventilation shaft and led Nathan back toward the rift in the center of the building.

“This is insane!” he yelped, and I was unsure if he was excited or dismayed, but I didn’t have a good feeling about it. I didn’t have time to worry if I’d made a mistake because right now I had to get Nathan out of here.

The other half of the building was a huge conglomeration of rubble, concrete and sheet rock jumbled together in an unrecognizable pile. Our half was about to become the same, but for now cleaving the structure in half had left a number of iron rods sticking out horizontally from the floor.

“Just like this,” I called to Nathan, who was struggling to catch his breath. Everything was shaking, but I hunched over and grabbed the bare rod and used it to swing to the second floor. My feet hit hard against the surface, and I coughed from the smoke, but I looked back to see that Nathan would follow me.

He slowly grabbed hold of the rod and then hung in the air for a moment before launching himself toward me. We were supposed to do the same thing to get to the first floor and walk out a door, but he was taking too long and I knew we’d never make it. We hustled for the side of the building, where an open window waited. The sound of the floors above crashing down rattled us.

“Ok, big jump here. This’ll sting, but we should be fine.”

Nathan nodded groggily. There wasn’t any glass in the way, and all we had to do was push off from the ledge and sail away from the building. We leapt into the air and sunk to the ground, smacking into it. The landing certainly wasn’t pleasant, but we hobbled away fast enough to see the building imploding behind us.

I took a deep breath and smiled at Nathan, who had some dirt covering his face.

“Wasn’t that intense?” I beamed, but he ambled away from me toward his truck. There was smoke all around and I couldn’t understand why this wasn’t more thrilling for him.

“Crazy. You’re crazy,” he coughed, hunching over a little bit.

“Nathan, wait! You just survived a collapsing building. Isn’t that amazing?” I called as he got further away from me. I furrowed my brows, suddenly concerned. I thought he’d love doing something like that, but it had obviously been too much.

I raced after him, begging for his attention. All he wanted was to get away though, and so he brushed me off.

“Nathan, please! This was just supposed to be exciting,” I shouted, desperate to get him to listen to me. If we could just talk about this for a minute, I could explain everything and bring him back to his senses. He did turn back to me, but the menacing snarl on his face made me wish he hadn’t.

“Just get away from me,” he said as he opened the door to his truck, and that stung way worse than the fall.

“I’m sorry, ok?” I hollered, but he wasn’t listening. He started his truck, and gave me one last look that had nothing but hurt and the feeling of being betrayed in it. I had pushed him too far, too soon. He didn’t even care about how I knew the building was going to fall, just that I was someone who needed to be avoided.

“Are you just going to leave me here?” I screamed, knowing it didn’t matter. But he didn’t even bother to respond. After turning around, he took off the way he came, leaving me just as crushed as the building behind me.

As unhappy as Nathan was about what I’d tried to do for him, there was someone who would take it much worse. When he got home and told the story to his sister, Cammie’s face flushed and she looked like she was going to flip over the kitchen table.

“She’s psychotic!” Cammie declared. Nathan had walked away without a scratch and it was hard for me to see what the big deal was. I thought Nathan said he liked things that looked fun and dangerous. Couldn’t they understand I was trying to do something special for him? Sometimes people didn’t make any sense to me, and that’s usually right around when disasters start to happen.

“Just promise me you’ll never see her again,” Cammie pleaded to her brother.

“Yeah, I get it,” he agreed. “I’m done with her. Don’t worry.”

But Cammie was still livid, and she started trying to figure out exactly what had happened.

“Did she rig something to blow in the basement? The girl is obviously trying to kill you.”

“She said she knew there was going to be an earthquake,” Nathan shrugged, hobbling toward the stairs.

“That’s ridiculous. There wasn’t any earthquake, and even if there was she could’ve never known about it,” Cammie scoffed once Nathan had left. She plopped down at a computer and did some clicking. When she discovered there had been an earthquake, the look on her face couldn’t have been more shocked if she’d been stricken with a sudden bout of diarrhea.

*

Nathan put in more overtime each week, hoping it would make a difference when it came time to feed the all-consuming vacuum that was their mortgage payment. But he’d started to dread heading in to work each morning. His body felt tired and stiff all the time now. Worst of all, he had a sneaking suspicion some of the other guys he worked with were laughing at him. That was until he was absolutely sure they were.

It was a surprisingly cold November day when Nathan had accidentally forgotten to bring gloves to the worksite. He couldn’t very well wrap his sleeves over his hands while he was carrying things around, so he had to suffer with two throbbing appendages attached to the ends of his arms. Inside the factory would’ve been tolerable, but today they had to spend a lot of time outside loading and unloading trucks.

He formed a line with a few of the guys to ferry fifty-pound sacks of mix into a truck backed up against the dock. Nathan stood right over the gap between the dock and the truck’s back end, taking bags from a guy on one side and swinging it over to the other.

They’d been doing that for a while, and Nathan was managing with frozen hands, when the guy before him handed him a sack at a strange angle. Nathan didn’t know what happened, but all of a sudden the sack fell to the ground at his feet. The edge sliced it open, and before he could do anything the contents of the bag were covering the ground.

It stung, and Nathan steeled himself as the grumbling around him slipped into his ears. If that had been all, Nathan would have been able to put up with it, but it just so happened that a few more eyes had witnessed his mistake.

“Wheeler! Get over here!”

It was Vince, the personnel director, and Nathan had seen him chew out a few of his coworkers in the past. It was the verbal equivalent of being cranked through a meat grinder, and there was no way for him to avoid it. Even his coworkers kept their mouths shut once they knew what he was in for. This was something they didn’t wish on their worst enemies.

“I’m sorry, Vince. It won’t happen again,” Nathan began after jogging over to his boss. Vince scratched his goatee and flashed some yellow teeth. His weight made him an imposing man, and he looked like he was about to lose it. He didn’t immediately say anything though, making Nathan wonder if he should keep talking. But as soon he muttered another syllable, Vince flew off the handle.

“If you knew you were doing something wrong, why did you do it? What are you, stupid? This isn’t day care, son. We’ve got a job to do! The last thing I need is a new sandbox beside my loading dock.” His raving infuriated Nathan in ways he hadn’t thought possible, but he managed to keep a lid on it.

“I’m really sorry. I know. It just slipped through my hands. I forgot my gloves today.”

Swaying as though Nathan had insulted his mother, Vince couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He ran his hand through his hair, his face getting red and the veins in his neck starting to pop.

“You forgot your gloves? How long have you been working here? Tell me this is your first day, because no one else would be so FOOLISH as to forget their gloves. Some of the machinery in here will slice your fingers off before you can bat an eye. Is that what you want?”

“No. It was just. The laundry,” Nathan muttered, knowing he needed to stop talking.

“I don’t want excuses, and I don’t want mistakes,” Vince interrupted, glaring grumpily. “So don’t give me either. Just do your job or we’ll find somebody who can!”

Vince stood there a moment, continuing to pound Nathan with his eyes. Refusing to submit, Nathan glared back. He’d made a mistake, yes, but he wouldn’t let anyone walk all over him for it. Nathan kept his composure even though the threat of losing his job over a simple mistake knocked the wind out of him.

“Now get back to work!” Vince hollered into his ear before storming off. He stomped away, glaring at a few other employees on the way. Nathan took a deep, stilted breath when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Willy, who shook his head in sympathy.

“Don’t take it too personally, Nathan. He just wanted to bust your balls. We all make mistakes from time to time.”

Nathan nodded, appreciating Willy’s show of support. He certainly didn’t see anyone else trying to make him feel better. In fact, he hadn’t nearly heard the end of his mistake.

“Better keep a good grip on that sandwich, butterfingers!” a voice heckled as Nathan was about to take a bite during lunch.

Realizing he was being spoken to, he looked around and spotted Manny, who was one of the ringleaders of their lunch group. Manny was usually the one to come out with the most outrageous, dirtiest stories during lunch, and as a result most of the other guys were quick to side with him. They all got a kick out of his joke, and the word “butterfingers” echoed all around him.

Nathan just rolled his eyes.

“Wow, and I thought I was done with high school,” he muttered, and a few eyes turned back to Manny to see how he’d react to the jab. Nathan didn’t seem to care much about what was going on.

“Yeah, and I bet you never thought the real world could be so wonderful,” Manny mocked, chuckles rippling around the circle. Nathan didn’t know which would be worse, going off on his own and being the staff pariah or staying there and taking more abuse. Instead of making any kind of response, he just sat there and ate his sandwich.

“We’re just messing with you, kid,” Manny added, trying to soften the blow as Nathan sulked. “I just got chewed out last week for showing up ten minutes late to work.”

“Being hungover probably didn’t help,” another guy added.

“Not if they knew about it,” Manny laughed, raising a soda bottle to his lips and taking a swig. Nathan had happened to glance at him, and Manny gave him a disconcerting wink.

The day passed but Nathan’s new nickname at work didn’t seem to fade away. Even if someone else dropped something, someone would joke, “Did butterfingers do that?” Willy was always sympathetic in those situations, and he’d never use anything but Nathan’s real name, but it still got to Nathan.

If this had still been high school, the thing to do would’ve been to find someone else to shift the ridicule onto, but Nathan didn’t want to play those juvenile games anymore. Talking to Vince or Barb would’ve also been childish. So he just receded into his head, tried to always remember his gloves, and did his work to the best of his ability.

The end of the day came and Nathan picked up his paycheck for the week on his way out. To make matters worse, this was going to be the first month they fell behind on their mortgage payments, and that’s when the real pain would set in.

Nathan sat in his truck and stared at the paycheck, desperate for it to somehow be more than it was. Six hundred and fifty dollars just wasn’t enough to make ends meet. When Nathan started the vehicle, he watched the gas gauge barely rise above empty. That meant another thirty or forty dollars down the drain.

I couldn’t have been more disappointed in how my last rendezvous with Nathan had gone, and I was desperate to make up for it. If I was super careful, I knew I could fix some of Nathan’s money problems for a while without it ending up in disaster. The only thing up in the air was whether or not he would let me.

I strolled toward Nathan as he pumped gas into his truck, nervous about what he would do when he noticed me. It didn’t make sense how timid I was acting, but I didn’t want to make things worse than they already were. When he finally did notice me, he hung his head a bit and sighed. Not the reaction I’d wanted, but I could live with it.

“Are you following me now?” he asked.

“I figured after what you went through last time it was my turn,” I confessed. He shook his head and glanced at the meter displaying the cost.

“A lot of good that did me,” he mumbled. I felt like I had a hole in my chest, and I hated how he was so distant.

“Please, just listen for one minute. I’m sorry about what happened last time. I really am. If I’d known you’d have felt that way about it, I never would’ve done it.”

“You didn’t know how I’d feel about almost dying?” he spat, and I flinched.

“Just give me one more chance. I promise I can make things right,” I said, coming close enough that I could set my hand on his truck’s rusty hood. Contemplating, Nathan gazed at me for a moment before returning the gas pump. I held my breath, waiting to hear what he would say.

“No, I can’t. Please just leave me alone.”

He climbed into the driver’s seat and started the vehicle, but I couldn’t let him go.

“Nathan, how did I know the building was going to collapse?” I asked, earning a startled glance. He paused, giving me a chance to press on. “How did I know that woman was going to throw away these clothes? I’ll tell you.”

“Ok, so tell me,” he demanded, shifting into drive but keeping his foot on the brake.

“I’ve always been very good at guessing what’s going to happen,” I fudged, hoping this answer would be enough for him. “It’s just something that comes with who I am. I can’t explain it, but you have to trust that it’s real.”

He pursed his lips and watched me. He might not have been convinced, but it was hard to argue against it considering what we’d been through.

“That’s your paycheck, isn’t it?” I asked, gesturing to the envelope on the passenger seat. “I know it’s not what you want it to be, and I can help with that.”

It all sounded so ridiculous to him, and soon he was rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, what could you do?” he asked, incredulous. I was prepared for this though, and I hoped this plan would work out better than the last one.

“Park the car in the spot over there and come with me,” I said, and he gave me another long look. I wanted to smile, but to make him trust me again I had to be serious. He guided the truck forward, and for a second I thought he was going to pull into traffic, but then he turned for the open parking spot. Joining me, paycheck in hand, we headed for the sidewalk.

“You’d better be right about this.”

I took a deep breath, hoping I would be.

“Do you see the woman in the red jacket walking in front of us?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Nathan confirmed.

“Watch where she goes.” A tall woman in a long jacket that went almost to her knees, she maneuvered through the crowded city sidewalk about ten feet in front of us. We followed her as she took a right turn onto another busy street, which she continued down until ducking into a bar about halfway down.

“Oh, she’s going into Murphy’s,” Nathan reported. “I’ve been there before. What’s the big deal?”

“Just wait and see,” I told him.

We rushed inside behind her, immediately enjoying the warmth. There were a few tables where people were having dinner and the central bar area adorned with big-screen TV’s. The woman in the red jacket whispered something into the server’s ear as we huddled close behind her.

The server, a pretty young woman in her mid-twenties, nodded and began to lead the woman away. We stayed right on their heels as they left the tables behind and went for the back.

“Wh—” Nathan started, but I elbowed him in the ribs to get him to shut up. He’d figure out where we were going soon enough.

We continued into the kitchen, making a quick left toward a staircase leading to the second floor. Nathan shot me a look of surprise, but he kept his mouth shut. He obviously didn’t know there was something up there.

Reaching the top, the woman in red left the server behind. We passed her too, and the cute brunette gave us a hard look, questioning whether or not we’d really accompanied our mark.

But we’d made it upstairs, and Nathan’s jaw dropped open when he saw the secret operation that was taking place up here. Gaming tables, stacks of chips, and rolling dice all amounted to an underground gambling hall. Thick window shades were drawn, meaning only artificial light from bare bulbs illuminated the twenty or so gamblers occupying the room.

“What are we doing here?” Nathan asked, nudging me over to the side. All I did was glance at his pocket containing his paycheck. He tensed up, blinking rapidly. “We don’t know who’s running this place. I could lose everything!”

“But you won’t! It’ll be fine,” I promised. This was another crucial moment for us, where he’d choose to accept me or cast me out. I had to make it clear everything was under control. Taking him by the jacket and giving him a jerk, I stared square into his eyes.

“You know in your heart what I can do is real. There’s no risk here for us. But you have to trust me. Nathan, do you trust me?” I asked him.

He took a deep breath and looked around. Scratching the back of his neck, he glanced at me, and this time I did smile. I could still see it on his face, the way he was drawn to me.

“Ok, let’s give it a shot,” he conceded, and I clapped to show my delight. This was going to be great.

Heading over to a booth against the wall, Nathan signed over his paycheck. He reluctantly slid it over, and I had to put my hand on his back to finally get him to let go. In return, he was given ten chips, and he swallowed hard when he held them in his hand.

“If you’re wrong about this…”

“Stop worrying! You’ve got to let go of all that live a little.”

I led him past a few card tables toward a roulette table. The little white ball rolled around and around until it landed on a black number, causing half the players to moan and the other half to cheer. A couple of the losers departed, and we took their seats.

Sitting next to Nathan, I glanced at him curiously. I didn’t believe he really trusted me, and so I’d have to test him to find out. My body couldn’t be the only reason he wanted me around, not when I’d much rather he really believe in who I was.

“You never answered my question,” I said to Nathan. I took half of his chips and deposited them on random numbers. Soon the roulette ball raced around its golden wheel. I focused my eyes on Nathan, savoring the pressure he was under. “Do you trust me?”

“I trust you,” he said, clenching his hand against the table as the ball started to skip around.

“Good, because I’m going to lose those chips,” I said, paying no attention to the ball as it stopped. When our chips were taken away, Nathan looked like he’d been kicked in the stomach. He gasped for breath, hunching over. His face grew red. Maybe it’s terrible of me, but I enjoy watching people squirm when I know they’re going to be thrilled in the end.

“You have to understand one thing about me, Nathan,” I went on. “I’m here to make things better for you, but I can only do that if you believe in me. So I’m going to lose these chips too.”

I dropped four chips onto the table, leaving us with one. On the edge of despair, Nathan gazed at them, and his arm twitched to take them back.

“Do you trust me, Nathan?” I asked, my voice growing stronger. He put his hand to his forehead and rubbed his skin. He nodded, and a smile broke on his face.

“It’s ok. It just doesn’t matter. We’ll figure something out.”

“Exactly,” I smiled, putting my hand on his arm. “You’ll be worrying about money all year unless you learn to break free of it now. You can let it be what it is without allowing it to wreak havoc in your mind. This is how you can be at peace with it.”

We lost again and the four chips were taken away. I held the last remaining chip out to Nathan, who was shaking despite his best effort to stay strong. Nothing he would face would be harder than this, because in his mind he’d already lost his paycheck, his house, everything.

“Now pick a number,” I told him.

Chuckling, he surveyed the board.

“What does it matter? I’ll put it on fifteen. That’s the day in September my mom died.”

His trembling hand set the small chip on the corresponding square, and together we watched the ball spin around the roulette wheel. For me, betting the ball would land on fifteen was like betting the sun would come up in the morning, but for Nathan it was like discovering pirate treasure in his backyard.

“Yes!” he cheered when the ball stopped. He slumped onto the side of the table, spent, barely able to control himself. A few other people at the table clapped for him, getting the attention of the room. The man who ran the game set thirty-four chips on top of the one we had started with.

Nathan had already tripled his original amount, and he looked like he was about to take off into the atmosphere. The sudden relief of all that stress was earth-shattering.

“Why don’t you pick another one?” I suggested, just as we were joined at the table by a couple of hefty guys in suits. They didn’t appear to be playing though and were probably just there to enjoy Nathan’s success.

“Umm, ok,” he agreed, casting glances around at the suited guys and the other people around the table. He took fifteen chips and used them to bet an odd number would come up, which would pay out double. It was a conservative bet, and I wondered why he didn’t want to go for more.

“Are you sure you don’t want to pick another number? I have a good feeling about this one,” I smiled. But Nathan seemed withdrawn and a little nervous all of a sudden.

“I think that’s good,” he settled, and soon the ball started to spin around the wheel. To toy with him just a little more, I made the ball teeter on the edge between an even and an odd number, but it fell onto the odd one. Excited, I waited for Nathan to erupt in celebration, but he kept himself calm. Another suited man stood directly behind him.

Holding five times as many chips as he had at the start, I knew Nathan must’ve been feeling good about me now that things were looking up. I didn’t see any reason why we should stop here, especially when another roll or two could cover his mortgage for months.

“How about you pick another number?” I suggested, but Nathan could barely look at me. He seemed to have his eyes on the other people who had come to watch him. I guess this is what happens when you’re on a roll.

“I think this is good enough,” Nathan mumbled, swallowing hard. He slid off the chair and cradled his chips as he headed back to the cashier. I followed him, a little confused myself.

“We could’ve won a lot more,” I told him, but he gave me a look that said plain as day that I needed to be quiet. The cashier took his chips and paid him over three grand. Even if this wasn’t the jackpot I’d wanted it to be, at least it helped. Nathan took the money and ducked out as quickly as he could. I followed behind, but couldn’t get his attention until we’d exited the bar.

“Why did we stop?” I asked him.

“Didn’t you see those guys looking at me? The way you were talking made it sound like you were rigging the game.”

“I was,” I replied, and Nathan gave me a funny look. It was obvious he didn’t believe me.

“They don’t like that. We’re lucky we got out of there without getting our asses kicked.”

My eyes grew wide and I suddenly realized he was right. How stupid of me! I can’t believe how close I’d been to making things worse again. I shuddered, hating my carelessness.

“Can you at least forgive me now?” I asked, looking solemnly into his eyes. Maybe if he just knew I’d tried for him it would be ok. Nathan’s tension seemed to level off. We were outside and the cold air brought him to his senses.

“This does really help, but we can’t do that again,” he admitted. “So when can I see you next?”

That was already more than I needed to hear. Despite almost ruining everything twice, I’d somehow patched things over with Nathan. Now I could go back to being coy and mysterious, which were my preference anyway.

“When you need me,” I said, turning on my heels and leaving him behind.

*

Now that he had forgiven me, Nathan could once again enjoy the memories we had together. He kept expecting me to appear at his side again, and when I didn’t it began to eat away at him. As men so often have the terrible habit of doing, he twisted his joyful memories until they became haunting and painful. In the daily struggle over his mind, day after day of hardship proved too great a match for thoughts of one beautiful, carefree girl.

Somehow he blamed himself for not getting to see me again. It was as though I decided to punish him for not being good enough, not deserving enough. So many troubling ideas swirled round in his head that it made me wonder if it would’ve been better for me not to have gotten involved at all. I couldn’t understand how something so pure had led to something so agonizing.

Trying his best to preserve his memory for what it was but continue to do the things he had to do, Nathan preoccupied himself with other commitments and responsibilities. He took Cammie to science exhibits, let Gladys beat him in games of Yahtzee and Rummy, and helped his good friend Steven plan a holiday party for when everyone came back from college for winter break.

It would be so nice to be around all the people he knew from his high-school days. A semester only lasted for a few months, but it felt like forever. Having a party like this would surely give him a chance to escape from his loneliness. But even that seemed to carry a sour note, because these would be the first holidays he would have to endure without his mother.

Thanksgiving proved to be a trying affair. The food wasn’t nearly as good as it had been before. As much as he needed the break, Nathan couldn’t seem to relax as he attempted to juggle everything that needed to be done. Cammie and Gladys cooked alongside him, and all three of them seemed to be keenly aware of who was missing.

But they managed to enjoy what they had, and they appreciated each other’s company. Because as difficult as things had been lately, there was always the chance that things could get much worse. They watched football together, ate big pieces of apple and pumpkin pie, and reminded each other how thankful they were for everything Miriam had done for them.

Then it was back to the routine of school for Cammie and work at the cement factory for Nathan. He’d even started looking for better jobs in his spare time, but there was no luck finding anyone who would take him. It seemed like he was stuck at the factory, forced to gravitate ever closer to it as worries about bills increased.

But through it all, I somehow stayed on his mind. Apoxy, that sprightly, cheerful girl, became the face of wistfulness for him. He never gave up on finding me again, and the worse things got the tighter he held me in his heart. If only he had any idea what he was getting himself into.

One night, when he was feeling overcome by distress and longing, Nathan got in his car and drove to the place in the country we had visited. He couldn’t take being without me, even though I’d become nothing more than a thorn in his heart. So he followed the headlights of his truck to that tiny speck of a town where the grocery store doubled as the bus stop.

Turning to the right, he drifted past the clearing we had played in. The trampoline was gone and the leaves were shriveled up and decaying. He passed the house where we had carved pumpkins. The jack-o-lanterns were gone now, of course, and a few Christmas lights replaced them. He brought the car to a halt in the middle of the empty road, wondering if I lived here.

As he chewed his lip, he twisted his neck around to the other side and noticed that the clearing led up to a small hill. Pulling over, he got out of the car and pushed through the cold air. His heart beat fiercely to keep his hands warm, fueled by the pangs of what had once been happiness but now had turned to pain.

Lumbering through the sparse forest, guided by resilient stars and the light of the moon above, he ventured up the hill until he stood at its very precipice. Feeling like he was losing his mind, he had no idea what he was doing there. He just clutched his jacket to his chest and huddled to protect himself from the brisk wind and the chill that threatened to overtake him.

“I knew I’d find you here,” he said, somehow knowing that I had appeared directly behind him. Fortunately, the clothes seemed to come with my body now.

“You don’t have to go looking for me to find me,” I replied, and he finally righted himself to face me. While it must’ve been gut wrenching for him to behold the one who had caused him such fleeting joy, it was so much harder for me to witness the hollow look of agony on the handsome man I had vowed to support.

When he looked at me, his eyes seemed to melt and his lips quivered. I’d tried to save him from ever being so vulnerable that he felt like he was in pieces, but instead I’d caused it.

“I kept waiting for you to find me again, but you never did,” he stammered. “I need you, and right now you’re all I have to go on.”

His confession left me stunned, and I couldn’t help but sympathize with him. His life was never supposed to play out like this, but a simple twist of fate had reduced him to putty. This conversation was going to be heartbreaking, simply because all the things I had to tell him would only make him feel worse.

“Nathan, please listen to me,” I begged, coming closer. “You have to understand the things you want from me, I can never give you. It’s just impossible.”

I was rambling, my words coming out faster and faster. Somehow the intensity of his feeling and having him so close had affected me.

“Why?” he wondered, the moonlight reflected in his eyes. “I’ve never met anyone like you, and I can’t get you out of my head. Apoxy, please give me one chance to prove I’m right for you.”

I turned my head away, letting my hair dance in the wind. Everything he needed to know revolved around things I couldn’t tell him. It had become agonizing for me, and a crushing sensation hit me in the center of my chest.

“I don’t know what you think I am, but I’m probably the farthest thing from it. We could have all the fun in the world together, right up until the end, but to get involved like you want would never work. I’m just too different, and that’s not going to help you. That’s not what I came here to do!” It seemed like my words were washing over him, somehow getting lost within the pounding emotions resonating inside. He lowered his head and shook it, almost upset.

“Don’t give me that act, ok? Don’t think just because it hasn’t happened to you yet it wouldn’t work. You’ve found me before and you found me now, and I’m asking you to take a chance on me. So don’t pretend you’re incapable of it, that’s not what you are.”

“You have no idea what I am,” I said, swallowing.

“Then tell me.”

“I’m whatever you want,” I whispered softly, unable to look him in the eyes. I didn’t want to see him at all, but he was so big in front of me he seemed to be everywhere. “I’m a carefree eighteen-year-old girl. I want to be there for you when you need me, someone to brighten your darkest days and give you hope when all seems to be crashing down around you. Why can’t that be enough?”

All of a sudden, Nathan took me by the arm and pulled me closer so I would have to look him in the eyes. My reflection was in them, my rosy cheeks and trembling expression. So close I could feel the warmth of his body, I had my hands on his chest but didn’t fight to push myself away. He squinted hard, and when he opened his eyes they were watery. It was as though he were about to speak from the bottom of his heart.

“Just tell me one thing. How does it feel when you’re around me?”

“I’m not supposed to fee!” I practically shouted it at him, hoping it would get through. He let go of me and I dropped back a step. I immediately regretted the harsh way I’d said it, and everything suddenly seemed so quiet. I wrapped my arms around my middle, the cold finally starting to register.

Out of nowhere, Nathan started to chuckle. He was shaking his head, a begrudging smile on his lips. It wasn’t a nice laugh though. Rather, I got the impression he was laughing at me.

“Maybe Cammie was right. I should’ve known better than to see you again,” he scowled, and for some reason that sentiment managed to brutally shake me up inside. It made it clear I had failed in what I had set out to do. I was desperate to relieve the pain it caused.

“No! That’s not true!” I implored, coming closer, but he put his hand up to stop me. A heavy frown formed on his face, like he was done talking and only needed a chance to get away. “I need you to believe in me or else all of this will have been for nothing. I make so many mistakes, and I only wanted to do something good for a change. You have to believe me! I want to make things better more than anything else.”

“You need me?” he asked, looking out of the corner of his eye. The way he said it made me think he’d misinterpreted what I meant.

“I can see there’s a lot of potential in you, Nathan,” I clarified, my voice even. “One day you’re going to do something great, beautiful even. This has been a hard time for you, and it’s not close to over yet, but I just wanted to be something innocent and simple with no past or future that you could hold onto to get you through it.”

Nathan turned back to me, appearing almost bashful. I could sense the distance between us diminishing as he accepted what I had to say. The heart in my body fluttered when he set his kissable eyes on me.

“There is one thing you can do to help me,” he whispered.

“Please, what is it?” I gasped, breathless. A smile took to his lips, one altogether more genuine and heartfelt. It was that flicker of happiness that I wanted to coax out of him and keep in his mind, and his soft pink lips were teasing me with it.

“My dear,” he began, taking on a regal air and bowing humorously, “I would be most delighted if you would do me the honor or accompanying me to our winter ball. It promises to be an altogether stimulating affair, attended by all of the most refined gentry in the land. Your presence by my side would be most desirable.”

His delivery was comical, but the implication knocked the wind out of me. He held his hands in front of himself, beaming in anticipation, and all I had to do was say yes to give him weeks worth of happiness until the day of his party. Still, I was scared and couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“But there would be lots of people there! Does it have to be your ball? Couldn’t we do something just by ourselves? I’d much rather be a secret, just between you and me.” I fretted, furrowing my brow in concern. He didn’t know it, but he was asking for a lot.

“What’s the problem?” he wondered, shrugging his shoulders. “You didn’t seem to have a problem when the kids were around here, or at the bar. What’s the difference?”

“The difference is that children are very tolerant, and strangers don’t ask a lot of personal questions. If we’re with a lot of people you know, there might be serious complications that would be embarrassing for you!”

Whatever just struck his mind made him blush. He leaned closer to me and brushed the back of his hand down my temple and along my cheek. His fingers were cool, but I still felt a warm flush that rushed through me. I could hardly breathe by the time he lifted my chin to make me catch the love in his eyes.

“You are so beautiful. Nothing about you could ever embarrass me.” He was the face of naivety. If only he had any idea what he was talking about.

“You’re sure this is going to make you happy?” I asked.

“Without a doubt, Apoxy” he smiled. “So will you come with me?”

“Yes,” I answered, and the word hung in the air, pressing against him like a kiss. I held deep reservations about how this was going to work, but I had committed myself to it now, and I had to hope for the best.

Taking a step back, I turned and descended the hill. Nathan stayed right where he was, basking in the soft light of the stars, while I slipped between the trees and vanished.

Chapter 6

While Nathan and his friend Steven prepared to put together a holiday party for everyone coming back from college after their first semester, it seemed that I had a list of things to do to get ready myself. I knew he wasn’t joking when he referred to the party as some kind of ritzy ball, so I had to fund myself a dress and make sure I was appropriately attired.

I couldn’t very well go shopping though, considering I had no money of any kind. Fortunately, I knew how to be a little more creative when it comes to assembling an outfit.

A thin French clothing designer stood in his Parisian studio while his assistant put the finishing touches on a dress of unspeakable beauty. Eggshell white, just one strap, and the softest synthetic fur tracing the top and bottom, which would run to just below mid-thigh, there couldn’t be a more stunning piece of clothing imaginable for a winter soirée.

The designer, who was pushing sixty and yet used his fashion sense to make him look half that, surveyed the work in progress from all angles. Other mannequins holding up pieces of similar fabric were scattered about the expansive studio. Mirrors hung on the wall here and there, and special lights were erected to aid the assistant’s work.

Using painstakingly slow movements, the assistant, a beautiful young woman, carefully threaded the last section of synthetic fur to the bottom of the curvy dress. The designer had his hands to his chest, unable to keep himself away. He loomed closer and closer to his assistant, practically breathing down her neck as he watched her work. It wasn’t even a sneeze, just his breath that started to make her skin itch. But unable to relieve it, she pressed on until it made her finger slip and the needle pierced her skin.

“Mon dieu!” the designer bellowed, roaring loud enough to make the room shake. The assistant jumped, and the tiniest speck of her blood brushed against the fake fur hair. The designer looked as though he’d been shot, falling to the ground only to leap back to his feet and go ballistic on his assistant. Seething, he raved like a monster, shouting at her until she was in tears.

The designer slipped the dress from the mannequin, balling it up in his hands and shoving it in the assistant’s face. He certainly didn’t look young anymore, rather all of that rage emphasized every wrinkle of this unhinged elite of the French fashion world.

Storming through the studio, he pulled the lid from a dumpster and slammed the dress into it. It didn’t take him another moment to return to the assistant to continue his tirade, but by then I had pulled the dress out and examined it. It looked perfect. It was a terrible shame that after so many millions of stitches something like this would happen, but if it had to then I might as well be there to take advantage of it.

The assistant, crumpled against the floor, caught sight of me while she suffered under the abuse of her ruthless employer. I gave her a smile and winked before I slipped out, leaving the designer completely oblivious.

Next I had to find someone who wouldn’t mind losing a pair diamond earrings and a necklace. As it turned out, that wouldn’t be so hard as it seemed.

Outside of Austin, Texas, a rich elderly woman was disgusted by the way her son and daughter were fighting with each other over her will. They treated her as though she were already dead, constantly barraging her with hinting comments about the things of hers that she cherished in the hopes she would bequeath them accordingly.

As it turned out, this frail and sickly woman had already divided her possessions in her will, even though she had changed her mind and decided that her spoiled children should be left nothing. She knew any attempts to change her will now would result in an endless court battle regarding her sanity, and so she did the only thing she could think of.

Emptying her diamond jewelry into a velvet bag, she packed it into a small box and prepared to send it to charity. There was no return address, nothing indicating who the gift was from. When she rang for the delivery, I was the one who knocked on her door.

“If for any reason they don’t take this, bury it in the desert!” the old woman grumbled bitterly. “I never want to see them again.”

“Don’t worry about a thing,” I comforted her before leaving with the box. Oh, I would bring them to where they needed to go, but I have a feeling that aging matriarch wouldn’t mind her jewels seeing the light one last time as long as they weren’t the object of such greed.

Shoes were just as easy to come by. A perfect pair of white slippers sat in the closet of a man who had recently been left by his wife. Theirs had been a loveless marriage, and it ended when he found out she’d been cheating on him. He’d stuffed garbage bags full of the belongings she’d left behind in the trash, but those shoes were the very last thing he’d thrown out. He’d stared at them, the last remnants of her, until he finally grabbed them and set them gently on top of the other garbage.

I took them from him, hoping he would finally be rid of some of his pain. That’s when I realized I was dressed head to toe in human misery. So much sadness in the world, and all I wanted to do was alleviate a little bit of it. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad letting Nathan love me, even if he could only experience it a short while until his impending demise.

Suddenly, the truth of how Nathan would meet his end became a hated thing for me, and I had to shut it out of my thoughts while I reminded myself that I had precious little time to make things better for him. I couldn’t let myself become attached to him, but I couldn’t deny that he was important to me either.

Walking down the street in my dress, shoes, and single-stoned earrings and necklace, my body felt cold, but fortunately that didn’t have much to do with me. I was on my way to Nathan’s, but I followed a very roundabout route to get there. The owner of a salon was outside adjusting her signs as I strolled by, and she glimpsed me out of the corner of her eye and stopped.

“Now that’s an awful shame,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” I begged her pardon. The woman frowned, setting her hands on her hips.

“A dress like ‘wow’ and hair like ‘oww’.” She looked on the verge of tears. “That’s just not right. Why don’t you come in here and let me do you a favor.”

My hair simply flowed behind my head onto my back, but apparently that wasn’t good enough for this salon owner.

“If you insist,” I smiled, letting her show me in and direct me to a chair. Her generosity was impressive, and she was very gentle as she washed my hair and put it up.

“He must be really special to have you all gussied up like this,” she chatted, having no trouble intuiting that there was a man involved.

“You have no idea,” I grinned. “He’s one in ten trillion.”

“I think you’re going to knock his socks off!” the owner glowed, spinning me around in the chair so I could see myself in the mirror. I couldn’t believe that a body could ever look so beautiful. She’d put my hair up letting little blonde strands hang down from the sides of my bangs.

“Thank you so much! This is wonderful!” I gushed.

“You think you’ll still be feeling this good by the end of the night?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Probably not. I have a funny feeling this is going to end in disaster,” I confessed, sounding perfectly happy about it despite the off-putting, strange fuzziness about the future I get when I’m stuck in a body. The plump salon owner just threw her head back and laughed.

“That a girl! Go make some bad decisions tonight, honey. Live a little!” she urged, scooting me out of her shop. I thanked her again and exited into the cool, dusky air.

All that was left now was to go to Nathan’s and make our way to his glamorous party. There was something strange going on in my stomach though, and I looked down at it confused. It was like there were butterflies fluttering around in there. Was I hungry? Did I have to use the bathroom? Nothing this body did ever made any sense to me.

In a second I was crossing the small lawn, climbing the steps, and approaching Nathan’s front door. Raising my hand, I rapped my knuckles against the door once when a sudden revelation shook me. Oh, no! Nathan wasn’t going to be the one who opened the door!

It swung open, revealing the icy cold stare of a fourteen-year-old girl with glasses. Cammie couldn’t have been more terrifying if she’d been wielding a knife, but the firestorm of thoughts swirling about her head were much more dangerous than even that. She stepped out onto the porch holding a pen and pad, closing the door behind her. Slowly, she inspected me.

“If you think I’m going to let you get anywhere near my brother, you’ve got another thing coming,” she scowled, her voice full of scorn. Remembering the mistakes I made, I could understand how she felt that way, but I still wasn’t about to let her walk all over me.

“You’re very protective of him, aren’t you?” I grinned, earning an even more suspicious glance.

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you won’t be going anywhere with Nathan tonight. He has sort of a history of being unable to let go of women who are bad for him, and so it’s up to me to put a stop to this. You can turn around and leave right now. Never talk to him again, or else!”

She was dead serious, but I couldn’t stop myself from chuckling. For some reason, it was just amazing to me how protective she’d grown of him even before she had any idea she would lose him.

“Out of all the Cammies, you have to be the feistiest,” I said, holding my hand over my laughing mouth.

“What is that supposed to mean?” she interrogated, a sour look growing on her face.

“You don’t think you’re the only Cammie, do you? Can’t you imagine what you’d be like if you’d made other decisions that led to doing other things? Why, you’d be a completely different person! Well, not always completely different, just every variation you could possibly imagine. But the thing you don’t know is that you did make those different decisions, and you did become those different Cammies.”

The girl squinted at me. “You’re crazier than I thought.”

“I’m not joking.”

“You’re talking about parallel universes!” she shot back, shaking her head. “That’s crazy.”

I decided to let her in on the secret of it then, the pieces of the formula that held all of the ten trillion universes in place. She had to know I wasn’t lying, that I wasn’t some chick trying to mess with her brother. He meant too much to me for that.

So I took the tiniest step forward. I came so close I could feel the warmth from her face. She kept perfectly still as I whispered five words into her ear. “Energy. Space. Time. Mass. Probability.”

“I still don’t believe you,” she said after I pulled away. I was growing exasperated. Nathan would be coming any minute, and I didn’t have time to be playing more games.

“Ok, you want proof that the universe is seamless? I’ll give you proof. Tell me, do you have a scar on your left ankle?”

Now Cammie appeared to be on the defensive. Most of her anger had faded, and now she just appeared confused and suspicious.

“Yes,” she answered, bending her left leg to look at her ankle. The scar across it was painful even to look at. “How did you know that?”

“That’s not important,” I went on. “How did you get it?”

“When I was seven, I ran across the yard and stepped on a sprinkler,” she explained. “What is this about?”

“I’m going to remove your scar, Cammie, but first we have to do something so you know it’s gone. Write on your pad, ‘I have a scar on my left ankle that I got when I was seven’. Then sign your name. Then write secret things no one else could ever know. The name of the boy you like. Your greatest fear. Anything! Write it so that you’ll believe you meant it.”

“This is ridiculous,” Cammie said, incredulous yet amused, but she started writing. “There.”

“Good, now the next time you blink, I’m going to go back to when you were seven and move the sprinkler. Your scar will disappear, and you’ll never know you had it. Something small like that shouldn’t affect anything else.”

“How?” she asked, but she blinked and it was done. Moving the sprinkler two inches in her past meant she would never have that scar on her ankle.

“Look at what you’ve written,” I told her. She glanced at the pad quickly at first, and then did a double take and held it close to her eyes.

“I don’t have a scar on my ankle,” she said. “What is this about?”

“You did, up until a moment ago,” I smiled as she inspected her left ankle, which was as clear as a baby’s.

“You told me to write this!” Cammie was bewildered, shocked. She had no clue what was going on because as far as she knew she’d never had a scar. Only these words she’d written said different.

“But was it true,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder and looking directly into her eyes. Her mouth hung open. She was speechless. Either she’d believe what she’d written and something incredible would dawn on her, or she’d reject it and go on as though everything were the same. That was her choice, and I had no control over it.

The door flew open, revealing Nathan in his snug-at-the-shoulders suit. He looked a little bit star-struck when he saw me, and the cutest smile formed on his lips. His eyes were smoldering, and for some reason my heart didn’t want to work right because of it. It kept skipping beats. So strange.

“When I saw Cammie was gone I’d didn’t have to try hard to figure out what it was. She’s not giving you a hard time, is she?” Nathan asked, throwing his arm around his little sister, who still gawked openly.

“Not at all. We were just getting to know each other, and I think I learned quite a lot about her,” I replied, being perfectly honest. Of course, Cammie continued to seem perfectly stunned, so I couldn’t have been the only one who learned something.

“Shall we go?” he asked.

“Absolutely. And it was nice meeting you, Cammie,” I said before Nathan led me down the steps. She looked like she was frozen solid, not even moving after we’d left.

Together, Nathan and I climbed into his truck. Everything got quiet all of a sudden, and we happened to glance at each other at the same time.

“You do look incredibly beautiful,” he grinned, nodding matter-of-factly.

“Thank you,” I smiled, lightly hitting my heart with the butt of my fist. The thing didn’t want to work right. Maybe it was defective. “You look very handsome.”

It was dark, but he may have blushed a bit. He started the engine, backed out of his driveway, and soon we were cruising through town on the way to his friend Steven’s house. After just a few turns, it became clear we were entering a very posh neighborhood. The houses were massive and it seemed as though we’d left the entire city behind in favor of this enchanting, secluded avenue.

“There it is.” Nathan pointed to one mansion on the crest of a small hill.

“Wow, that looks amazing!” I said. We cruised through the open gate and past a few hedges on the way to the turnabout in front of the entrance.

“Yeah, you make friends for life playing youth soccer. Otherwise I’d probably have never set foot around here. Anyway, we’d been talking about the party, and he said he’d been to so many keggers this semester that everyone would probably appreciate it if we tried to put on something a little classy for once. His house definitely has the room for it.”

“I’d say you pulled it off,” I said, as we passed the pillars near the front door. Everything looked so immaculate. There were Christmas lights that were tastefully strewn about. A beautiful wreath wrapped in red ribbon hung on the door. Climbing out of the truck, I took his arm as he escorted me to the entrance. During our approach, the front door opened and a sharp-looking, though somewhat short young man came to greet us.

“Hey, hey, I thought nobody was going to show up!” Steven cheered, flashing perfect white teeth. He looked like he may have already started to party, but he welcomed us both by throwing his arms around us.

“Somebody miss one of your parties? They’d be mad! The night’s just beginning.”

“Ahh, it’s our party,” Steven corrected him, welcoming us in. Glancing back, we could already see more headlights heading this way. Entering the house, I started to marvel at everything, and that’s when it seemed to register to Steven that I hadn’t been there before and that he actually didn’t even know me.

“Wow, beautiful girl. Where’d you find her, Nate? Here, let me show you around quick. Once we get out of the foyer, the kitchen’s over there. I’m sure it’ll be empty in about thirty minutes, so don’t wait if you want to eat. In here is our living room. Say hi to the DJ. He’s just getting set up. Upstairs are the bedrooms. If you start to hear strange noises, don’t worry. It’s probably just my parents. In the basement we’ll have drinking games, stuff like that. Don’t play me in flip cup though, you’ll lose your shirt. Actually, now that I think of it. Play me in flip cup.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at Steven’s rambling, disoriented tour. He seemed like he’d be a great friend for Nathan, and I’m sure the two were just a barrel of laughs in his brighter days. Before we could go on, the doorbell rang announcing that the first guests had arrived. From there people just started streaming in, and the three of us waited to welcome them.

Most of them were people Nathan and Steve knew from high school, though there was the occasional unknown boyfriend or girlfriend tagging along. That meant every person who walked through the door meant another emotional reunion, requiring extensive stories, lots of laughter, and warm embraces. It was so much that people barely left the entrance foyer, which became packed.

As for me, I did my best with all of the introductions, the names, and the excited greetings for people I shouldn’t have known anything about. I wish they made some kind of clamp that hooks your lips to your ears, because that would make it much easier to smile endlessly. As it was, I did the best that I could, always exchanging gasps at the dresses of ladies who were impressed with my dress. I shook hands or hugged most of the guys who came through, and they often gave Nathan a less-than-subtle look or wink.

Most of all, I was happy that Nathan was happy. It was obvious he’d missed his friends, and seeing so many familiar faces lifted him up in a way that was impossible for even me to do. I could tell he was proud of me too, and I hoped he still held that idea in his heart that I was someone who could take him to amazing places. I’d agreed to be his date for the evening, and we’d put our arms around each other as we spoke to his friends, but I’m not sure if people got the impression it was something more.

People began to filter around the house, the music started playing, and guests arrived more slowly. Just as Nathan was about to close the door, he spotted a middle-aged black couple sauntering up the path.

“Hey, you made it!” Nathan called to Willy and his wife as they approached hand in hand. Both of them were dressed very nicely. “Steven’s parents are in the kitchen, and there are a few other adults around.”

“I don’t want to hear about any adults. I came to feel like a college man again!” Willy chuckled, throwing his arm around Nathan, who then hugged his wife. “Of course you remember Henrietta.”

“Did you ever actually go to college?” Henrietta prodded Willy, smirking.

“Two years of community college is the same thing,” he shot back. “Don’t get me started about community college.”

As they started toward the door, Henrietta gave me a scrutinizing look.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” I said.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you too, sweetheart,” the woman shot back, quickly turning to her husband’s ear as they entered. “If your eyes are ever off me for longer than three seconds tonight, you’re going to be carrying them home.”

“Would you look at this place,” Willy gasped, distracted. “I told you it was worth the babysitter!”

They left Nathan and I alone at the entranceway. He finally closed the front door, leaning his back against it and glancing at me enticingly. There was some noise from the people and the music in the other room, but I could still hear him fine.

“So what do you want to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know. What do you have in mind?” I answered, hoping he would choose something he wanted to do. He blinked hard, embarrassed, as he took a strong step closer to me. His head drifted to the side a bit so he could examine my features, and he raised his hand.

“Would you do me the honor of joining me for a dance?” he inquired, his luscious eyes making the proposal all the more endearing.

“It’ll be my pleasure,” I agreed, placing my hand in his and hopping forward so I could tug him toward the ballroom. He seemed to enjoy that I was taking some of the initiative, although I was secretly terrified because I had no idea how to dance. As luck would have it, the song ended and a much slower one started to play. It was “Crash Into Me,” by The Dave Matthews Band, and all I had to do was relax and enjoy the music and his company.

When we settled somewhere in the middle in the small crowd of dancers, Nathan took me by my sides to nudge me a little closer. I put my forearms on his meaty shoulders and clasped my hands behind his neck. He softly rested his along my lower back as we started to sway in tune with the music. Being pressed so close to the tight fabric wrapping over him felt more soothing than a bubble bath.

“You’re about to bust out of that thing, aren’t you?” I teased, rubbing his shoulders. He chuckled.

“Not on your life. I’ve had this thing forever!”

We engaged in more small talk, but mostly it was just about us being there together. Sometimes he would look at me in a way that made me think he knew I was from somewhere out of this world. There was something approving in his cheeks and eyes that struck me, and I felt strange because I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of that kind of affection.

To give myself a chance to think about it, I lowered my head onto his chest as he pressed against my back. There was music and there was laughter, but there was also the beating of his heart, which I could somehow hear through this strangely shaped hole in the side of my head. I couldn’t tell for sure or not, but I let myself believe this heart of his was beating for me.

I was sad when the song ended because it seemed to take our beautiful moment along with it. We still had a great time dancing though. It turns out the trick to dancing really has nothing to do with how you move. You can be making the most idiotic movements imaginable, and it’s completely fine as long as you stop being self-conscious about your body, which was good for me because I wasn’t too concerned about my body to begin with.

Hours rolled by and we danced to fast and slow songs. I danced with Steven a little bit, and other groups of friends joined us on the dance floor. It seemed like the fun would never end, and it made me think that maybe I’d been foolish about my apprehension when Nathan first asked me to join him here. Everyone just wanted to have a good time, and so I stopped worrying that I would get drilled by a lot of personal questions. If I’d somehow passed Cammie’s test, I doubt anyone here could be any worse.

But then someone worse showed up, and I could immediately see the change devastate Nathan. He stopped moving at all, craning his neck to see if he could see who he thought he saw. Any last trace of happiness vanished from his face, and instead a stony grimness consumed it.

Through the archway and halfway to the dining room, Nathan’s ex-girlfriend Sasha and ex-best friend Mark were holding drinks and talking to other guests. Sasha, a stick of a girl though strikingly beautiful, had her hand on Mark’s hip just beside his butt. He was a very clean-cut guy of moderate build. His suit looked perfect, and altogether he appeared as though he’d just walked out of a stockholder’s meeting. To put it mildly, the whole scene infuriated Nathan.

Steven sensed the sudden shift and tried to slip away from our group before the eruption broke out, but Nathan grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him back around.

“Why are they here?” he growled, putting special emphasis on every slowly delivered word. Flustered and tipsy, Steven shrugged and muttered.

“We’ve known them forever, man. What was I supposed to do, tell them they can’t come? We invited everybody,” he quibbled.

“I can’t believe you’d do this to me,” Nathan shook his head, hurt.

“It’s not like I went out of my way to make sure they’d be here. Dude, you know what would really piss Nate off? Bring Sasha! No, but of course they heard about the party.” Steven rambled, and Nathan looked fed up with him. I couldn’t stand that just when I thought Nathan was finally enjoying himself it all seemed to disappear in an instant. Why did happiness have to be so ephemeral?

“Just forget about them,” I said, pulling him away from Steven and tossing my hands back on his shoulders. “We were having a perfectly good time.”

I flashed him a bright smile and I wanted him to take me by the waist and dance the night away, but it quickly became clear he wasn’t having any of it. Staring at me and fighting something internally, he just shook his head and I had no choice but to let him go.

“I can’t. I just can’t. I’m done here. Let’s go.”

The way he said it left no room for argument, and in an instant we were heading for the door. We plowed through other dancers, some of whom thought it was a joke until they saw the stern grimace on Nathan’s face. Sasha and Mark had been over by the dining room, where the foyer from the front door led. It seemed like we would be able to slip by without them seeing us, until we didn’t.

“Big Nate! There’s my boy! How come you haven’t been returning my calls?” Mark’s chipper voice rung through the air, and Nathan tensed up, gritting his teeth. His hand was already reaching out for the door, and part of me hoped he’d just keep on going. Nothing good was going to come from this.

“And you didn’t have any idea why that might be?” Nathan spat, twisting around to glare at the two people approaching us from behind. His head low and his face as hard as granite, Nathan’s eyes looked like they could breathe fire.

“Come on, man. You’re not going to let a woman get in the way of our friendship, are you?” Mark gasped, appearing perfectly happy and content. Sasha was right by his side, a funny smirk on her face as she analyzed me. “Sometimes things don’t pan out between people, and she has to go find someone better. It’s not like it was ever going to work out between you two anyway.”

It was hard to tell if Mark was just tipsy and insensitive or purposely being abusive, but Nathan looked like he was at a breaking point. He clenched his fists, begging for the opportunity to make a move.

“I’d never been able to say I had a bad friend in my life until you did that to me,” Nathan seethed. “What made you think it was ok to make a move while we were still going out?”

“I told you we waited until after we’d broken up!” Sasha growled, already incensed. She put her hand to her head, and then cast another glance at me through her fingers before straightening herself out. “Besides, it looks like you’ve been doing pretty well for yourself. Who’s this little cupcake?”

The condescension dripped from her voice, and I almost expected her to try and pat me on the head. Instead, she drifted a little closer so she could squint at my jewelry.

“My name’s Apoxy,” I said directly enough to get her to back off.

“That’s a name and a half,” Mark smirked.

“Her parents were probably hippies,” Sasha said into his ear, making no attempt to quiet herself.

“That’s enough!” Nathan snapped.

“Relax, Nate. We’re just kidding,” Mark frowned, looking offended. “So what college do you go to,” he asked me.

“I don’t go to college,” I answered shyly, knowing this was a horrible direction for the conversation to go. Sasha slapped herself on the forehead as if it all made sense.

“Of course! Why go to college when it looks like daddy’s taking care of you just fine. I told you you’d find someone right for you, Nathan, and it turned out she’s a bimbo who doesn’t understand math well enough to know you’re broke!”

“Keep talking, Sasha, and I promise you’ll regret it,” he sniped, stepping forward in front of me. “Say whatever you want about me, but leave her out of this or else.”

I was impressed how confidently and easily he’d decided to protect me. He hadn’t even needed to think about it. Looking out for me just came naturally to him.

“Say whatever we want about you?” Sasha scratched her chin.

“Don’t worry. We already have,” Mark burst, and the two of them shared a brief moment of laughter until Nathan grabbed Mark by his jacket and jerked him closer. The two started to scuffle for just a second until I reached in and pulled them apart. Mark was already breathing hard, the goop from his greasy hair dribbling onto his forehead.

“You’ll get what you deserve,” Nathan pointed, starting to turn back for the door. “Let’s go.”

“You’re leaving already?” Mark moaned. “I thought this was just the foreplay before our epic beer pong match. Oh wait, you only spent a week in college so you probably don’t know what that is.”

Mark’s latest shot made Nathan wince. He hated that he hadn’t been able to go to college, and so that raw nerve stung something awful when Mark hit it. Nathan had already cracked open the door, but now he was overcome with scorn. His strong face was a little bit red from the embarrassment.

“You know, you toss a ping pong ball into the opposite team’s cup to make them drink it. First team to eliminate all the other team’s cups is the winner,” Mark explained to draw out Nathan’s hesitation.

The game gave me a funny idea. How much would Nathan love it if we demolished them in this silly little game in front of all their friends? He’d be riding high for weeks. And considering what I could do, there was no way we could lose. I quickly took Nathan by the hand to get his attention. We locked eyes and I raised an eyebrow at him.

“We could beat them,” I stated, and Nathan breathed in deeply. Seizing the challenge and showing some of that competitive spirit that made him so charming, he nodded slightly.

“Let’s play!” he demanded, brushing between Sasha and Mark as he led us to the basement. That left me struggling to catch up, walking alongside the vicious pair in his wake.

“I hope daddy taught you how to hold your booze,” Sasha sneered at me.

“Why, did your dad get you drunk a lot?” I said. “Actually, I don’t drink.”

“What?” Mark gasped, finishing his own drink and tossing the red cup onto the floor.

“I don’t eat either,” I added.

“I’ll drink for our team,” Nathan said from the front as we turned toward the basement steps between the kitchen and the dining room. A few other partygoers followed us down the thin wooden steps that led to the half-furnished basement below. There were Christmas lights hanging on the low ceiling. All of the walls and the floor were cement. It had couches, patches of carpet, and a pool and ping pong table where a few other teens were playing beer pong at that very moment.

“Your game’s over!” Mark barked, snatching the tiny orange ball out of the air. Despite some grumbling the players dispersed, and Sasha started to fill more red cups a quarter full with beer.

“Get ready for the beating of your life,” Mark warned once each side had six cups in a triangle shape and we were ready to start.

“You have no idea what you’re in for,” Nathan snickered, and he couldn’t have possibly been more right. Once Mark leaned over his side of the table and let the ball slip into the air, I was in complete control.

A game of chance and a game of skill like this might seem very different, but to me they are the exact same thing. Whether it’s dice rolling along a table or balls flying into little red cups, there are odds and probabilities that dictate what will happen. What’s the difference between a ball that drops right in the cup and one that veers to the side, nicks the rim, and falls onto the floor? The answer is me.

Mark’s throw landed right in the center cup. It was a pretty good shot, and Nathan had no choice but to remove the ball and slug the contents. Just like when we were gambling, I decided a massive come-from-behind victory would do the most for Nathan. Ok, maybe I wanted to make it heartbreaking for Sasha and Mark too, but they deserved it. So that meant we’d have to miss for a while so that we could pull the rug out from under them.

“You do know you’re supposed to aim for the cups, right?” Mark mocked as Nathan’s ball fell short. Nathan shook his head, disappointed, but I comforted myself knowing it would all be worth it. Sasha had no trouble landing her shot too, and Mark gave her a quick kiss while Nathan drunk, glowering. They would have to pay for that.

Taking the slimy, moist ping pong ball, I reached back and slung it like I was pitching a baseball. It made a beeline for the last row of cups against the edge and knocked one back, spilling beer onto Sasha’s feet.

“Hey, you’re not supposed to throw it that hard,” Sasha squealed. Nathan flashed me the biggest grin, absolutely loving it, and a strange tingle coursed through my heart. Sadly, my shot wasn’t good though since it didn’t land in the cup. Mark made another shot, and Nathan missed his. Sasha sunk hers too, and that meant they had all six cups and we had two.

“There’s no hope now. You know that, right?” Mark goaded after I “missed” my shot. We just had two cups side by side, and Mark sent his into the right one. Nathan started to look despondent, sensing the end that was coming. I turned, putting my hand on his shoulder before he threw.

“This is just a silly game, Nathan, but no matter what happens I believe in you.”

He nodded, gaining a little fortitude. I hope he knew I meant it. Letting the ball leave his fingertips, he watched it sail into one of the cups. Sasha and Mark just looked down at it.

“It’s no big deal,” Sasha comforted her boyfriend. She fished out the ball and chugged the cup, ready to take her chance at ending the game. But the ball seemed to slip from her fingers, not even making it over the center net.

“What was that?” Mark laughed at her, and she shot him a dirty look. I had as much luck as Nathan when it came time for my throw. It arced high into the air and landed in the beer with a satisfying plunk. The people who had been watching started to cheer, sensing that the tide was shifting.

“I’m going to put an end to this right now,” Mark declared, adjusting his shoulders and stretching his arm. His throw drifted through the air to the single remaining cup on our side. It tapped the rim, seeming to hang right on the edge. Mark let out an agonized groan when it fell outside. He looked broken, but both Nathan and I were snickering. When I handed him the ball, the sensation of his touch made me gasp.

Nathan made his toss, and we were halfway to our comeback victory. Sasha missed again, and I sunk my shot. They were getting frustrated, bickering with each other, and I loved it. When Nathan made his next throw and they had only two cups left, there was a clear degree of worry on their faces. The other people in the basement were cheering. Everyone loves an underdog.

“Who has no hope?” Nathan gloated, swaggering a little. Sasha failed to make her shot, and that meant it was my turn again. Just two cups left, and I easily placed the ball in one of them. We were even, and now all I had to do was let Nathan finish them. He was already so thrilled. He threw his hands up in the air when I made my shot, and then his arms were wrapped around me, lifting me just off my feet. I felt the warm press of his lips when he gave me an unexpected peck on the cheek, and a sudden flush rushed through my entire body.

I hadn’t even recovered when Mark, desperate and bitter about how the game was going, took his next shot. He sent the ball sailing through the air toward our last cup, winning and losing hanging in the balance. He was going to miss. Every part of me dictated that he should miss. Despite the whole of my being forcing that orange ball to go anywhere but near that red cup, it landed right inside of it.

Paralyzed, I couldn’t move a muscle. I couldn’t believe what just happened, and it shook me to the core. Sasha and Mark jumped and celebrated, and some people in the crowd cheered too, but I couldn’t think of any of that. This wasn’t about the game or even Nathan. Something inexplicable had happened to me. I was suddenly in danger.

“Are you ok?” Nathan asked, obviously unhappy about losing but equally concerned about me. He had no idea how not ok I was. I couldn’t even bring myself to breath.

Just to see if I could, I made as many things happen as possible. One kid peeking out of the corner of his eye while he took a drink dumped it all over himself. The leg of a stool snapped suddenly, sending someone onto the floor. Anything that could happen did. The Christmas lights above us started to burn out. The music skipped. A crack formed in the wall.

I was doing all of these things, but nothing comforted me. Something terrible had happened, a disaster beyond anything I could comprehend. I could only grasp one thought. I had to get out.

Staggering back, I lurched for the stairs. My legs could barely support me. Sasha and Mark were laughing, but I didn’t care. I had to get away from all these people.

“Hey, wait!” Nathan called as I stumbled up the stairs, eventually dragging myself out of the basement. All these people around me suddenly felt so crowding. This body was so claustrophobic. Gasping for breath, I ambled for the door, Nathan right behind me. I was bumping into people, clawing my way past. None of it mattered.

“Is this about the game?” Nathan called. “Because I really don’t care.”

His hand closed around my wrist to hold me back, but I shook it off without a word. I was too busy wheezing, fumbling for the door handle in my incoherent daze. I finally got it open, slipping through, but Nathan was right behind me. I had no idea what was happening. Something had gone terribly wrong.

“Please!” Nathan begged. “Just tell me what the problem is!”

I happened to glance back at his handsome, worried face. The air outside was freezing, and soft flakes of snow fluttered to the ground.

“Get away from me! It’s all your fault! I never should’ve come here!”

“What?” he gasped, having no idea what I was saying. I didn’t either. I slipped and fell into the thin layer of snow covering the ground. My skin was so cold and I hated it inside this body. Suddenly, Nathan put his arms around me and picked me up. He was so big and there was nowhere for me to go, but he was the last person I wanted to see.

“Calm down! It’s going to be ok. No matter what it is, you’re going to be fine. I promise!”

I struggled, feeling like I was going to throw up all over him. I shook, raving like a lunatic.

“You did this to me, Nathan! How could you? I have to get away,” I cried, tears streaming down my face. Even though I was blaming him, vindictive and torn, he never stopped trying to comfort me.

“Just stay here with me, Apoxy!” he said, a soothing look in his loving brown eyes that managed to calm me just a bit. I managed to say something almost sounding normal.

“As soon as you blink, I’ll disappear.”

“Then I’ll never blink,” he promised, but he did, and I vanished into thin air.

Chapter 7

That should’ve been the end of the story, and for a long time it seemed like it would be. Having escaped to the infinite, I could look objectively on all that had happened. All of those sensations he had put in my body had somehow tethered me to it. He made me care about him in a way that shouldn’t have been possible. I wasn’t just doing him a favor or giving him what he deserved for his self-sacrifice anymore, I had wanted to be near him to bask in the warmth of his affection.

I should’ve stopped caring and forgotten about him, but I couldn’t seem to do that either. As the days ticked by, I continued to watch him, and it ground away at me to see him from before and after but not to be able to be with him in the present.

And to be honest, I suspect he felt the same way. I don’t know how he rationalized my sudden disappearance. Maybe he chalked it up to being drunk, or maybe he started to get some inkling of what I really was, but either way he never forgot about me. In his spare time, he’d hole himself up in his room and write unsent letters addressed to “Dear Apoxy,” as though he somehow knew I’d be able to read them, as though I really was that girl he kept in his mind.

It turned out my mishap wasn’t the only change that took place that night. Cammie had taken my little demonstration to heart more than I could’ve never imagined. When Nathan brought me later, she couldn’t even be angry anymore.

“She’s baffling!” Cammie declared, which I have to admit I preferred much more than “psychotic.”

The idea I had given her started to grow in her mind, consuming her thoughts and keeping her up at night. Those five little words held a mystery she just had to wrap her head around.

“Have you ever wondered if you’re not the only you?” she asked Nathan one day while they were staring at piles of bills.

“Umm, no,” Nathan replied. “I have enough trouble keeping track of one me. I don’t need to worry about any more. Now come on. We need to figure this out.”

They had finally missed their first mortgage payment and were forced to fight with the electric people and the water people to keep their utilities on. Cammie started talking about giving up her summer study programs in favor of a summer job, but for right now she couldn’t stop thinking about this idea.

“I’m serious. What makes us think that the universe is so simplistic that it only manifests itself in one way? There could be countless worlds just like our own that are so close we could touch them!”

“Whoa, what is this about? You’ve been acting strange ever since…”

“I met Apoxy,” Cammie finished. “I know I should probably forget about her, but I can’t.”

“That makes two of us,” Nathan added.

“I’m going to try and do some research on this and put something together for the state science championships this summer. If I could somehow demonstrate that parallel universes exist, do you have any idea what kind of a breakthrough that would be?”

This stunned Nathan, who leaned away from Cammie to get a better perspective on her.

“I thought you were going to do medical research and be a doctor. Isn’t that what you always wanted?” Nathan gasped. Considering how seriously Cammie took her studies, a shift like this was monumental.

“I know I did,” she said, closing her eyes for a moment to let it sink in. “And my advisor is freaking out about this, but I have to go with my heart. I really believe I can put these pieces together. Energy. Space. Time. Mass. Probability. Besides, I’m tired of feeding pills to mice anyway.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out then,” Nathan conceded.

“Not yet, but I will,” Cammie promised.

True to her word, Cammie worked tirelessly to develop a new experiment for the state science championships. She immersed herself in quantum physics, tearing through textbooks that most people would find impenetrable. After months of researching, she finally hit on something promising. Nathan might not have even known about it if it weren’t for a loud crashing sound that came from her room.

“Is everything ok?” Nathan asked through the door, using his knuckles to nudge it open. Cammie’s room, which was surprisingly girly, had a strange contraption clamped to the pink wall.

“Wait, no! You can’t come in!” Cammie said, rushing to the door, but Nathan had already pushed it open. She had clear plastic goggles on her face, crossing her arms as Nathan barged in.

“What’s going on in here? What’s all this stuff?” he asked.

“It’s not ready yet. I haven’t even connected the electrodes,” she blabbed.

Nathan stood staring at the wall, where three vertical glass tubes were spaced just a few inches apart. The ones on the left and the right fed into smaller plastic tubes that had balloons on the end. At the bottom, a small metallic bridge connected all three together. It looked kind of like a trident.

These tubes and the liquid inside of them didn’t make any sense to Nathan, but then Cammie pulled something out he did recognize.

“Are those my jumper cables?” he gasped. “And where’d you get that car battery?”

“It’s all in the name of science,” Cammie calmed him. “Don’t worry. Everything’s under control.”

Nathan took a closer look at the strange contraption she’d put together. It was really pretty marvelous.

“What is this thing?”

“This is called a Hofmann Voltameter, and it’s a binary gas electrolytic cell. Electrolysis is the process of splitting water into hydrogen and oxygen gas. That’s what these tubes are for. The middle one contains water, which splits and feeds the gases into these two other tubes. The gas gets collected in these balloons.”

Nathan nodded, putting his hand on Cammie’s shoulder and squeezing her close. He was more than impressed.

“You’re a genius! And you really think this is going to somehow crack open parallel universes?” he asked, making Cammie blush.

“I’m hardly a genius. This is something everybody knows about, and it certainly won’t be taking anybody to any parallel universes. Not by itself at least. But I think it’ll be an important piece. This is where the energy will come from. Here, watch.”

Cammie broke away from her brother and attached the jumper cables to the bottom of the bridge. Sparks fizzled as she attached them, and the liquid in the chamber immediately started to bubble.

“Awesome!” Nathan mused as the bubbles filtered through the liquid in the tubes and the deflated balloons started to expand.

“That one over there is oxygen gas,” Cammie explained, “and this one here is hydrogen gas. This is the reason I’m doing this whole thing!”

Watching the balloon fill up, Cammie glowed. Excitement diffused through her pores.

“Hydrogen gas is pure protons, the subatomic particle with a positive charge. It basically is energy. Now the interesting thing is that protons are made up of quarks, which are these even smaller particles that are so tiny when you look at them under a microscope they sometimes seem to appear and disappear on their own. That’s the only basis we have for a parallel universe. Where do these tiny particles go when they’re not here? They have to go somewhere!”

“I don’t know,” Nathan shrugged.

“Neither do I, but we’re going to find out by using this gas to make larger objects behave like those tiny quarks.”

Nathan was taken aback, and to be honest so was I. Cammie was a brilliant girl, but I never could’ve guessed my little hint could’ve actually lead to something like this. She had a real chance of breaking through the barrier between her world and those existing simultaneously with it.

“Do you think this’ll really work?” Nathan asked her, setting his hand on the expanding balloon.

“It will as long as I can figure out the other pieces. Space is here, the time is now, and the mass could be anything. All I have to figure out is how to add the element of probability,” she reasoned, her hand to her chin in deep thought.

“You don’t have much time. The science championships aren’t that far away. If you could pull this off, you’d be a winner for sure. Might even get you the Nobel Prize before you’re out of high school. Better figure it out fast.”

Cammie shuddered, catching Nathan’s eyes. She’s risked it all on this experiment, and if it didn’t work she’d blow her chance of winning.

*

It was June when Nathan reached a breaking point, and it appeared as though I would as well. While Cammie was working fiendishly on her experiment, Nathan continued to fight in vain against bill collectors. Something had to change or else they’d never dig themselves out of debt. Sucking up his awful feeling of apprehension, he scheduled a meeting with Barb for one day after his shift had ended. She still always made him feel uncomfortable, reminding him of the manipulative ways of his ex-girlfriend, but he was out of options and running out of time.

He gave a confident smile to the secretary on his way into the office trailer, and she motioned him toward Barb’s cubicle. Infrequent shaving had left him with about a week’s worth of growth on his face, and the beard made him seem more rugged, unpredictable even. Taking a deep breath and straightening out his hair, he knocked and entered as soon as he could.

“Come right in,” Barb called from behind her desk. She pushed some papers to the side and scooted her chair closer to the desk, seeming very eager. Nathan took a seat in the chair, scratching at his chest right below the shoulder while she drank him in. “So what’s this all about?”

Nathan gave her a firm look, leaning to one side and gesturing to her with his hand.

“I thought you’d be the person to talk to about this ever since you started helping out with operations management,” he said, but it was a lie. The real reason he came to her was because his sex appeal had always had a strong impact on her, and if he needed to use that to get what he needed, then so be it. “I’ve been working hard ever since the day I started, almost no mistakes, and I’m putting in more time here than anyone else in the factory. I think it’s time I got a raise, don’t you?”

Barb blinked, taken aback, and that was her only reaction for a few moments as Nathan held a steady, strong gaze. Her enthusiasm faded away, leaving behind a calculating, serious expression that matched his own.

“Oh, is that what this is about?” she asked, and Nathan nodded. She played with her pen a second and made some funny motions with her mouth. “I’m sorry to say this, Nathan, but you haven’t even been here a year. I can’t just give you a raise, in fact, none of us can. There are rules in place for the company delineating how these things are done.”

Rebuffed, Nathan cleared his throat. That wasn’t the answer he wanted, but he wasn’t about to give up.

“I don’t think you understand what you’d be losing if I left. I do the jobs other guys won’t do. I pick up the slack for their laziness. I’ve given every ounce of my energy to this company for nine months,” he argued, but it didn’t faze Barb. It was all a bluff, and she knew enough about him to recognize it.

“In a week, school will let out and there’ll be a ton of guys with your education looking for work. Considering the economy, we might even be able to pay them less than you! No, I don’t think you’re going anywhere.”

Leaning back for a moment, Nathan released an exasperated sigh. He had his fingers to his mouth, trying to come up with a solution. This wasn’t going to be pretty, but he had no other choice.

“Barb, I’ve been working here as hard as I possibly can, but the amount I’m earning is just not enough. We’re going to lose the house. My family needs this. Please, you’ve got to be able to give me something. I’ll do anything.”

He had a deadly serious stare, his heated brown eyes fixed on Barb’s elegant, sharp exterior. She bit her lip and looked off to the side for a moment. Dropping her pen, she rose from her seat and came around to him. Bent over at the hips, she put her hands on the armrest of his chair and looked down on him from such a short distance away.

“There is one thing you could do that would help you,” she whispered, something altogether menacing and dark in her tone. But Nathan didn’t shy away.

“Tell me,” he demanded, and she closed her eyes for a second and brushed her hair back.

“I know a little operation uptown that could use a guy like you. You could do it on the weekends and probably make half again as much as you make here. On eighty-seventh street, there’s a store that sells shower doors, except they don’t sell shower doors. Go around back and take the cellar stairwell to the basement.”

Nathan felt his heartbeat rise and his breathing become heavy. The implications of what she was offering started to hit him.

“What would I be doing?” he asked, and Barb stood up straight and returned to her desk.

“Let’s just say you won’t need to file an IRS tax return for this job.”

The opportunity she presented him with startled him, pushing his thoughts away from any disappointment about his failed attempt to get a raise. His mind tried to wrap itself around what this was, and as a result he didn’t even say goodbye to Barb when he left.

A moment later he was stepping out of the office trailer. Glancing to the left, his eyes caught the rusting roof of the cement factory. They’d begun to prepare for the construction, clearing away space around its perimeter and bringing in supplies and machinery. The end was coming for him.

At home, he sat on the couch, stewing over his decision. He didn’t know what he’d be getting involved with, but he understood it wouldn’t be good. The TV was on right in front of him, but his attention was off to the right, where Cammie sat at the kitchen table doing her homework. Finals were coming up, and she struggled to complete math problems using a chunky, basic calculator.

For some reason, that calculator, good for little more than a paperweight, pissed him off more than anything else. Considering the experiments she was doing, she needed one of those fancy calculators that looked like they could fly a rocket ship. He’d never even needed one in the classes he’d taken, but she had to have one. If she went without one of these super calculators, she’d be stuck right down with him at the bottom of the food chain. It ate away at him, tearing him from inside.

“I’m never going to be able to give you what you need,” he said, a frantic glare in his intense, red eyes. He hunched over, his head low, brooding.

“What?” Cammie asked, the concern apparent when she twisted her neck to look back at him.

“I’m not going to let it go on like this. I have to do something.” He twitched a little, but his voice was still hard. Cammie started to gawk.

“Nathan, what are you talking about?”

He put his head down, his feet bobbing nervously.

“Do you ever think about if you have it?” he asked, and in a family such as his there was only one “it” you could have, Huntington’s disease.

“Nathan…” Cammie said, a little bit of sympathy and reprimand in her voice.

“I can feel it, Cammie. It’s killing me already, dragging me down, just like Mom.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that! It’s not a good attitude. You can get tested, you know. It would at least give you peace of mind.”

“I know what I need to do,” he snapped, shooting up from the couch and breaking for the door.

“Where are you going?” she called, but he didn’t answer. He grabbed his jacket from the rack and blew through the door. Cammie rushed to follow him.

“Nathan!” she hollered.

It was dusk by the time he made it to eighty-seventh street. The warm day was starting to cool off, and the streets were beginning to clear. This wasn’t the best neighborhood, but it wasn’t the worst either, just block after block of dense apartment buildings and back alleys winding around in a maze. It actually wasn’t all that far from where Nathan lived, and he wondered at the difference a few subway stops makes.

Nathan parked his car in the closest available spot, almost a block away, and he made up the distance on foot. A few people passed him, but he just kept his eyes to the worn, somewhat dirty sidewalk. Glancing at the shops and apartment buildings, most everything appeared to be rundown. Once they lost the house they’d have to seek refuge in someplace like this, crammed into an ant colony, everybody hanging their laundry on the patio from five stories up.

There weren’t any lights on in the store that sold shower doors. The shop didn’t even have a title. It just said “shower doors.” A few display models were propped up inside. Reaching back into his memory, Nathan tried to remember if he’d ever seen this store open, but he’d just never known it existed.

There weren’t any people around, but Nathan still looked up and down the sidewalk before he slipped around the side of the building. For some reason, he didn’t want to be seen here, and the whole thing made him uncomfortable. Shutting out any doubtful thoughts, he reminded himself how much better they’d be if this worked out for him.

A few interconnecting alleys led deeper into the urban labyrinth, but Nathan took a quick right and found himself directly behind the shop building. There were a few garbage cans, some stacks of papers on the ground, and a narrow cement stairwell leading to the basement. A solid black door waited at the bottom.

Nathan stood at the top, taking a few deep breaths. He knew he was making a mistake, but he couldn’t be sure like I could, and so he started down into the dark. Wrapping his knuckles against the door, he waited until a small slider opened to reveal a pair of eyes.

“What do you want?” the voice growled.

“I’m here about some work,” he answered, and the slider closed. The sound of unlocking bolts caught his ear and then the door creaked open. Red carpet, display cases, dim lights, some kind of store operated from down here. The large doorman gave him room to enter, but Nathan barely stepped inside.

A half dozen guys were spread about the smoky room, some of them talking in pairs, others sifting through packages. The doorman eyed him warily. Most of the people turned to take a look at him, expecting him to do something, but Nathan didn’t know what to do.

“Hey, you here about a job?” one guy screeched, his voice shrill and harsh. That’s when Nathan was able to glance into a display case in the center of the room. It had guns and knives in it. He saw some flat-screen TV’s against the far wall. One of the guys was sharpening a knife. The whole scene screamed of danger. Nathan had tried not to think about what he would do if they asked him to steal, but it was very possible they were killing people, or worse.

“No…” Nathan stammered, trying to back up, but the doorman was in his way.

“Who sent you?” the same man shouted.

“No one,” Nathan said, trying to squirm around the doorman, who put his hand on Nathan’s shoulder.

“You know we can’t let you leave, right?” somebody said.

Nathan slammed his elbow into the doorman, knocking him over into the bottom of the stairwell. The other men immediately jumped to their feet and pursued Nathan as he trampled the doorman and flew up the stairs. He raced back the way he came, and the other guys erupted from the basement behind him.

Nathan had only gotten to the end of the building when he realized he’d never make it to his car without them catching him first. He’d have to lose them and go back for it, or just find another way to get home. Rather than turning for the street, he swerved to the right down another alley.

The sound of pounding footsteps echoed behind him. There was no way they would just let him go after he’d stumbled into their lair. Nathan took another quick turn, racing as fast as he could despite having no idea where he was going. It was dark and there was nobody else in the alleys, but he ran as fast as he could, building after building whipping by him.

“Give it up, kid!” one of them shouted. They were closing in, and Nathan didn’t know how long he could outlast them. He burst from an alley into a sidestreet, causing one car to slam on the brakes. Gasping, Nathan put his hands out but kept running for another sliver between the buildings on the other side. Glancing desperately over his shoulder, he glimpsed the five guys trailing him in varying distances. The streetlight glimmered against the side of a knife.

Nathan had crossed the street and slipped into another block full of tall apartment buildings. He was losing his bearings, no longer completely sure how he’d make it back to his car. He’d passed a subway stop, but that didn’t look like a good option either when they were breathing down his neck.

Up ahead there was an intersection of alleys, and Nathan prayed a couple of quick turns would allow him to disappear. The only question was whether he should turn left or right, but I already knew he had it in mind to turn right, which would force him along a dogleg leading to a dead end.

Let me tell you what happens when Nathan turns right, and it should explain why I was tearing myself apart with the thought of getting involved. When Nathan turns right and is trapped against an unyielding brick wall, the men who are chasing him don’t kill him, but they beat him to within an inch of his life. He spends night after night in the hospital, and needs crutches after he’s finally discharged. Of course, despite his company’s Fatal Accident Insurance Coverage, their health coverage was actually quite weak, drowning him in debt.

It leaves Nathan to beg Vince and Barb, the very woman who got him into this mess, to let him keep a job he hates that will never be enough to support him. Left or right. This was a turning point for Nathan when his life takes a turn from the merely terrible to the excruciatingly nightmarish. From here, it wouldn’t be a big jump until he starts to think that the world would be better without him. This is what a right turn would bring him, but I saw that if he turned left he might have a chance.

Panic in his eyes, he pumped his arms and legs forward. I put my hand on his shoulder right before he had to choose.

“This way,” I called, and his exhausted eyes catch me and display the kind of astonishment that can’t be put into words. I couldn’t let him go down that road, and so I came back for him, even if it meant risking everything I was. I cared about him too much.

“How did you get here?” he huffed, coming to a stop.

“We don’t have time!” I yelled, pulling him to the left. A hand was already reaching out for me. The lead thug grabbed me by my plaid button shirt, but Nathan reached back and struck him in the face, knocking him to the ground.

“Don’t you lay a hand on her!” Nathan shouted at the battered creep in the black leather jacket writhing on the pavement.

“Let’s go!” I called, as the rest of his friends were only seconds away, and Nathan and I tore down the dark alley to the left.

All of a sudden we were together, and I felt strangely energized. We were passing under awnings and fire escapes through warm June air. The footsteps continued after us, but I knew if I just fought hard enough I would be able to lead him to safety. We took another turn, crashing through shallow puddles on the pavement.

“Where did you…?” he huffed.

“Not now!” It was hard for me to concentrate as it was inside this mushy body, and having him asking me about the unexplainable wasn’t going to help. I just had to focus and find a way to lose the men chasing us. What’s going to happen? What’s going to happen?  My mind desperately reached for the future, while my body was already getting tired.

All of a sudden something struck me and I turned head on to a closed door. It opened right before I struck it, and Nathan and I blew past a man who let out a harsh yell. A staircase was right there, and we pounded up it into the apartment building as our pursuers entered behind us.

We ducked into the hallway on the third floor, zipping across the cheap brown carpet and avoiding the people walking by. A gunshot rang out through the hall, and I pushed Nathan into an open doorway. We were in somebody’s apartment, and they let out a loud scream.

“Sorry!” Nathan yelped as he pulled open a window and we hopped onto the fire escape. We descended as quickly as we could, but there was a ten-foot drop to the alley below. The men were climbing out above us and we didn’t have any time to lose. Nathan impressively swung himself down and landed without so much as a grunt. I hadn’t prepared for a long drop, and I inexplicably felt so scared.

“Jump! I’ll catch you!”

My feet left the edge and gravity dragged me back to Earth. Falling felt like such a rush, and then suddenly landing in Nathan’s big arms gave me a thrill. I was almost disappointed when he had to put me down, but we had to keep going or it’d all be for nothing.

We scampered to the main street, where cars and people were walking by. The men dropped into the alley behind us. I glimpsed them sprinting as we started up the other street. There were a few cries and shouts as we ran through the crowd. We just needed something to take us out of here, and I think I knew just the thing. But my legs were so tired though, and Nathan had to pull me onward.

“Down here,” I muttered, and we cascaded down the stairs into a subway stop. Nathan reached into his pocket and threw some money at the attendant, who didn’t look pleased at all, but we raced forward to catch a train that was about to depart. The men were just a short distance behind us, so we pushed ourselves all the more.

We stampeded onto the platform and hopped onto a crowded train right before the doors closed. There was a beep and all of a sudden we were sealed inside. Relief struck Nathan’s face but then there was a smacking sound at the door right next to us. The shock of seeing one of the thugs right there separated by only a thin sheet of glass made us jump. He had a deadly grimace on his face and he was digging his fingers into the door, trying to open it.

But the train started to pull away, leaving him and his friends behind. We’d managed to get away, and now we could finally catch our breaths. Holding the handles hanging from the bar above us, we sucked in air and watched the flickering lights pass by as the train picked up speed. It was heading closer to Nathan’s house.

“That was crazy!” Nathan gasped, completely blown away.

“I know,” I agreed, not knowing what else to say. We rocked back and forth in tune with the swaying train. There were people all around us, cramming us up against each other by the door. Feeling his body so close to mine prevented me from relaxing. It felt like I was still running for my life.

“What were you doing out there?” he gasped, his cheeks still flushed. When I glanced at him, I knew he would never give up asking. It must’ve all been so strange to him. But I still couldn’t tell him, especially not in front of all of these people. I had to find a way to get out of this body, if I still could.

“Nathan, listen to me. You can’t get desperate like that. It’s not going to help Cammie,” I begged him. He gave me a scrutinizing glance, wondering how I knew what he’d been doing. The subway came to a stop at another station. The doors slid open and people started to file off.

“I don’t have a choice anymore. Things have gotten bad.” I could hear the pain in his voice.

“You always have a choice. In fact, that’s all you ever have,” I replied, casting a heartfelt look into his vulnerable brown eyes.

The beep sounded and I took a deep breath. Right before the doors closed shut, I hopped backward off the train. A sudden look of alarm struck Nathan’s face, and he pressed his hand against the door’s glass window.

“Apoxy!”

Water started leaking over my eyes as I waved to him and the departing train, because I hoped I would never have to see him again. He was safe, and I’d done my job, now all that was left was to return to the infinite and pull the strings of fate like one would a dancing puppet.

Finding a place with no people so I could disappear was difficult. I walked up and down the platform, searching. There was hardly an empty spot other than along the tracks through the tunnel, but that would attract far too much attention.

I finally ducked inside the women’s bathroom, which was pretty filthy despite a strong smell of bleach. It took a few moments of waiting before I could enter a stall, but when I finally did I quickly locked the door behind me and shut my eyes.

I opened them, but instead of seeing the grandness of the universe in countless beautiful variations, I saw a grungy subway toilet and smears coating the white tile on the wall. I blinked again and again, but nothing worked. Someone must be watching my feet or something, so I left the bathroom and headed to the street.

A deep sense of unease set in as I hustled alone through the streets. The future was completely lost to me, and I was afraid to even try to change anything that was going on around me. I slipped into another alley and hid behind a small entranceway. No one could possibly see me here, and I quickly snapped my eyes shut, praying it would all be gone when I opened them.

But I was still there, trapped inside this human body. The feelings became overwhelming. Despair, frustration, pleading, terror, more than I ever thought I could have. It rattled me to the core, and I leaned against the wall and slowly slunk to the ground, shivering and nauseous.

That’s when it hit me. I would never be able to go back. Somehow I’d shut myself out of my home, and now I was nothing more than Apoxy, a fragile eighteen-year-old girl who was never meant to exist.

Nathan’s house was over a mile away, and I made the trek there by myself through the darkness of night. I took every single plodding step, and the whole thing seemed endless, but I had no place else to go. By the time I got there, I was sobbing uncontrollably. It felt like I was falling apart and this awful skin was crushing me inside a tiny human prison.

I collapsed against the front steps, my legs spilling onto the grass. Judging by the windows, all of the lights were off and everyone had gone to bed. The tears streamed down my face, and I wondered how many of them I could shed before I dried out inside. I couldn’t even bring myself to knock on the door. I was an animal now and might as well sleep outdoors.

But the porch light flicked on and I could hear footsteps approaching the door from inside. What would Nathan do when he found me here? How could he possibly understand what I was and what had happened to me? The door opened, and though my face was smushed down into the step, I could feel a pair of hands prodding me. They weren’t big and strong though. These hands were small and soft.

“Oh my God! What’s going on?” Cammie gasped, pulling me onto my unwilling legs. She was in her nightgown and didn’t even have her glasses on. I was in hysterics, staggering about the lawn.

“I have to get out! I have to get out!”

I had my hands against the sides of my head, doubled over in agony. I reached into my mouth and pulled on my tongue. There had to be some way to escape this body. I fell onto my side and Cammie rushed over to help me.

“Just calm down!” she pleaded.

“I’m not supposed to be here. This is all wrong. I have to get back. I can’t see anything inside this head. It’s so dark! Where’s the future?”

“What are you talking about? What about the future?” Cammie cringed, completely bewildered. I grabbed hold of her shirt and glared into her young eyes.

“I am the future!”

“This is crazy. I’m getting Nathan!” she declared, but I held her all the more tightly, preventing her from getting away.

“No, you can’t do that! He can’t know!” But Cammie was breaking away from me. “He’s going to die!”

And Cammie’s head twisted back to look at me, something deathly serious in her eyes.

“Why on Earth would you say that? What is going on?” The girl was beside herself with fright, and I was still completely out of my mind.

“I’m not a human, I’m a spirit that controls events from outside of time. I came here to watch over Nathan because one day he’s going to die in an accident at his factory. He has three months left to live.”

Cammie couldn’t take her big eyes from me. She looked like she couldn’t even move. I glared back at her, feeling like I was drowning and latching onto anything nearby. I didn’t know what I was saying or why I was telling her this. I was floundering, helpless, and now I was dragging this girl down with me.

“That’s how you took away my scar, isn’t it?” she posed, completely absorbed in me. “I can’t believe this! But if you came here because Nathan is going to die, you’re going to save him, right? You have to save him!”

She was clutching me now and wouldn’t let go. Her eyes were welling up, but for some reason what she said made me start laughing hysterically through my tears.

“Save him? I never came here to save him. I came to repay him for what he would do. There’s nothing that can save him!” I raved, and Cammie grabbed me harder and gritted her teeth. Her eyes, always calculating, were shooting back and forth.

“I can’t lose my brother! There has to be someway to save him. If we know what’s going to happen now, we can change the future. He just doesn’t have to go to work that day. Or we can make him do something else. Anything is possible if we do something different!” She was holding me against the ground. I was out of my mind and could barely tell what was going on.

“No, you don’t understand!” My voice was somewhere between a shriek and a growl. “It’s not the actions you are bound to, it’s your decisions. This is the one choice that separates this Nathan from all the ten trillion other Nathans that exist. Whether it’s the day of the accident, or right now, or back when you were ten-years-old, he will always choose to sacrifice himself for you.”

Tears were streaming down Cammie’s puffy red cheeks. She couldn’t believe it, she wouldn’t accept it, and I couldn’t blame her for it. Her brother was the one Nathan who needed to be saved but couldn’t be.

“No, that’s not possible! He would never…”

“He will, Cammie, and you know in your heart he will. It’s inevitable.”

The girl let go of me and fell back into the grass. Except for our sniffling, everything was quiet. No cars were driving by and no one was walking down the sidewalks. Not a light turned on within Nathan’s house.

“If you didn’t come here to save him, then what the heck are you doing here?” she muttered, looking beside herself.

“I told you, I was watching over him. What he will do is so beautiful and so selfless that I had to pay him back for it, and so I vowed to make his last year a better one. So many horrible things have happened to him, but you can’t imagine how much worse it would be without me. The boy would be on death’s door right now, begging to be let in.”

Cammie sputtered, putting one hand on her head. I hated making her feel the despair I felt, but I didn’t have any other choice. If I’d wanted to rationalize it, maybe it would make her be nicer to him in his last months, but I was so out of it that I really didn’t care what I was doing.

“Nathan was so stunned when he came home after his party,” she cried. “He was so impressed, and he really cared about you. Then you basically left him. He took it so hard. How was that supposed to make his life better?”

There were so many things this girl still didn’t understand, and it was heartbreaking to watch her struggle through them.

“I wanted to show him a good time and add something bright to his life, but I could’ve never known he’d have deeper feelings for me. I didn’t know he’d be making that choice because I had to be there to see it happen! But how could anyone love me? I’m nothing to love since I don’t even exist!” I snapped bitterly, and my words seemed to strike Cammie.

“But you are now,” she snarled, reminding me of the horrible place I was in. A fresh wave of tears flooded my eyes, and I put my hands over them and threw myself back, kicking in the hopes that I would somehow get out. But I would never get out.

Cammie put her hands on me again, pulling me up and leading me toward her door. Everything felt so terrible in this rotting corpse I was carrying around. It was dark inside the house, and we bumped into things as she carried me to the stairs.

“We’ll figure out what to do with you in the morning,” she whispered as we climbed. Her room was full of pink blankets and pillows. She started tossing them onto a spot on the floor, obviously where she intended for me to sleep.

For all that was going on, I was inexplicably nervous about going to sleep. I’d never done it before, and I wondered if it would give me a chance to escape. Cammie slid into her bed and I set myself down on the pile on the floor. I thought she’d fallen asleep, but then she said one thing more to me.

“You’ll see. Nathan would never choose to leave me,” she whimpered.

I closed my eyes, but my mind kept spinning. I didn’t understand how falling asleep worked. I shut them as hard as I could, struggling to turn everything off until I finally blacked out.

Chapter 8

It was just after noon when I woke up. When I opened my eyes and saw I was in the same second-story room I’d fallen asleep in, I could feel my last ounce of hope vanish from my mind. This was my reality now, and what a pitiful and small one it was.

Gradually rising, I started to look around Cammie’s room. Everything was quiet and I was alone. I looked into the mirror over the dresser at what I was. My blue eyes were bloodshot, my hair was a mess, and this skin was grimy and rough. I pinched my cheek and pulled, feeling the skin slide over my cheekbones. I’d created Apoxy for Nathan to be the girl of his dreams, and now I was trapped inside of her.

Lost for anything else to do, I glanced over her big bookcase and perused the pictures on her shelf. There were some of Cammie and other girls at various ages. The pictures presented images of birthday parties, school events, or day trips. But I passed over all of them to grasp a framed image of Cammie and Nathan together at the state science championships last year. He had his arm around her, squeezing her in and looking as though he’d just won the huge trophy his ecstatic sister was holding. Taking the picture in both hands, I wondered what it would mean to her after he was gone.

“I thought you’d sleep forever,” Cammie said at the door, startling me to death.

I quickly set the picture down, feeling a flush of embarrassment at going through her belongings. Maybe I was more embarrassed because I’d been caught thinking about them. Cammie pushed her door the rest of the way open. A t-shirt and sweat pants covered her thin frame, and as usual she had her glasses on and hair back in a ponytail. A cute girl by anyone’s standards, it was curious she didn’t have boys of her own to deal with yet.

“I called in sick today to deal with this. I haven’t missed a day of school in six years, but I’m sure they’ll manage to survive without me. Grandma knows you’ll be staying here for a bit too. You’ll meet her soon.”

Cammie came over and sat on her bed. I stood by her mirror, having no idea how to react. It was hard for me to even remember what I’d said last night, let alone how she must’ve taken it. Fortunately, she wasn’t a girl who beat around the bush, and she quickly voiced her thoughts.

“What you told me is just beyond anything I can comprehend, but the fact is you’re here and I’ve got to deal with you. The stuff you said about Nathan scared the heck out of me, but my experiment is proving you know what you’re talking about. So just tell me again one more time who you are and what you’re doing.”

She crossed her arms, obviously annoyed. Nothing I could say would do anything to make her happy.

“I’m not human, but I came here to help your brother. I don’t belong in this world, rather I have a place in the tiny interstices that connect all of them called infinity. Now I’m stuck here as you see me. If there’s one thing you can believe though, it’s that I’m sorry to be dumping this on you,” I explained, and Cammie gave me a harsh look.

“And you don’t have any kind of I.D.?” she asked, and I shook my head. “What about a social security number, bank account, heck, even a library card?”

“I have nothing other than what you see before you. I don’t even really know anyone else,” I said, and Cammie put her fist to her chin. She thought and thought, and the process seemed to be making her increasingly angry.

“People don’t just appear out of thin air! You had to have come from somewhere, and that means there has to be a way to send you back,” she griped.

She was getting frustrated and emotional, and I felt terrible that I was the cause. I would’ve loved nothing more than to just vanish right in front of her and leave her to her life, but that wouldn’t solve the problem that lurked in her future. But the way Cammie looked at me made me think she blamed me for this, and her wrath was unwavering.

“I’m not lying to you, Cammie. I wanted to help, but now I can’t even help myself.”

The girl chuckled condescendingly at me, rolling her eyes. It was enough to stoke my ire, and I had to address it. Still, she was much too smart to be tricked into saying it, so I had to ask her point blank.

“Why do you hate me?”

That got her attention, and from behind her glasses she focused her eyes on me. Ruffled, she shook off my comment and started staring off into space. She hesitated, wrestling with such a personal question.

“I’ve hated all of the women my brother’s ever been involved with,” she confessed, not sounding terribly sorry about it. “But none of them have ever threatened to take him away from me the way you have. Usually I’ve had to try to save him from them, because they only liked him because of his looks or they were using him for something else or they were just terrible people, like Sasha.”

As she spoke, she became more solemn about it. This might’ve been something she’d wanted to get off her chest for a very long time. I didn’t know what to say, so I just listened. Gradually she got up from her bed and adjusted the blinds by the window, going on but refusing to look at me.

“Back when I was five, my family took a vacation in the country by a lake. It’s one of my earliest memories. My mother was on the beach talking to another woman, and I’m sure she would’ve noticed before it was too late, but I’d gone in much too deep and I was having trouble keeping my head above water. Like it was nothing, Nathan arrived and scooped me up and set me on the sand.

“Ever since then, it’s been like we’ve been having this sick competition to see how many times we could save each other. He got stuck in a sewer when I was nine, and rather than call the fire department I built a pulley and got him out myself. The next year, I was choking on a piece of beef and he smacked it out of me. Right after he got his driver’s license, we were driving in the winter and he started to skid. I turned the wheel into the slide and told him to take his foot off the brake. He always used his muscle, and I always had to use my mind, and I’ve always been afraid that if I’m not smart enough I won’t be able to save him the next time.”

When she stopped talking, she finally glanced at me, a little shame in her eyes for revealing her secrets.

“I’m sorry, Cammie, but I don’t think any level of smarts is going to save him from this. This is something he will choose to do, and there’ll be no stopping him once he gets his head set on it,” I countered, my own troubles making my voice callous.

“I’m not going to let this happen!” she shouted, steeling herself against me, trying to block out the unforgiving truth I had for her. She fought it, trying to think of a way out. “But he’ll never need to do that if I don’t need to be saved. There’s got to be a way we can make things better for ourselves so he doesn’t resort to that. If only we had more money. You said you can see the future, right?”

“I used to be able to, but everything inside this head is so dark. It’s all gone if I wasn’t paying attention to it before,” I said.

“Do you know who’s going to win the Super Bowl? We could make the money gambling!”

“The Detroit Lions?” I guessed, and Cammie sulked.

“No, I guess you can’t see the future.”

She cast her eyes around, searching for another possibility. The desperation on her face revealed that she was out of solutions.

“Isn’t there anything you can do?” she accused harshly, making me defensive.

“No, there isn’t! There was nothing I could do before except determine the effects of his sacrifice, and there’s certainly nothing I can do now that I’m just as weak and defenseless as you are. You have no idea how terrible this is for me! I’m surprised the universe hasn’t fallen apart or time as you know it has stopped. Maybe I’ve just simply been replaced, and there’s some other spirit making the universe unfold.”

I’d raised my voice before growing meek and ending in a sad little squeak. Cammie pursed her lips, appraising me and my depression.

“Sorry,” she offered, quickly building steam. “But you’re wrong if you think Nathan is ever going to abandon me like that!”

I didn’t have the strength to argue anymore and so I shielded my eyes away from her. I still felt horribly tired, not to mention hungry and dirty and sad. Despite her reservations, Cammie was a sweetheart and she took care of me. I told her that I knew what everything was, but using things was something else entirely. She showed me into the bathroom, and after I stared at the shower she turned on the water and left. The warm water beating against my bare skin felt so strange. Just being solid was so hard to get used to.

Descending the stairs, I saw that Cammie had set out bowls of cereal for us to eat, but she winced when she saw me and immediately ran upstairs for a brush. She showed me how to brush my hair, which not only took an annoyingly long time but caused a fair amount of pain too. We ate, and I met Gladys, who seemed very pleased not to get into too many specifics about why I was there.

Within the span of just a few hours, I’d felt the urge to cry several times, but I always managed to hold it back. What was the point of learning all of this stupid stuff and talking about things that couldn’t be helped? To say that it got to me sometimes was a gross understatement.

Nathan got home from work around six o’clock, and when he saw I was there he appeared so stunned I thought he’d fall onto the floor. I’ll admit I was still so shaken by the whole thing I couldn’t even muster a smile. Gladys was reading upstairs, but Cammie was with me, and she had something fiendish contorting her innocent countenance.

“What are you doing here?” he gasped, completely mystified. He threw his jacket on the floor and rushed over. I hadn’t even bothered to move from where I was sitting so any chance for a hug was cut off.

“She says she’s stuck here and has no place else to go,” Cammie answered for me, but I hardly reacted to it. All of a sudden nothing seemed to matter to me. What was the point of caring?

“Oh, no! What’s the problem? I mean, she’s welcome to stay here, but what happened to you?” he wondered, sitting down and leaning sideways on the side of the table to try to get in my line of sight.

“What happened to her is that she says she’s not human but can’t leave her body because she has become too attached to it,” Cammie reported. Yeah, it was pretty obvious now she was just going to spill all of my secrets in whatever haphazard fashion they happened to come out. And why should I care? Everything she could tell him about who I was seemed so irrevocably detached at this point.

“What?” Nathan asked, grinning as though this were some kind of a prank. He looked at both of us, and I broke down and gave a consenting nod. “Yeah, right!” He smiled, trying to get me to reveal the rouse with a smirk, but I didn’t have the energy to be anything other than straight-faced.

“No, it’s true, Nathan!” Cammie implored, somewhat sarcastically. “And don’t you want to know how she ended up with a body in the first place? What it was all for?”

“Sure,” Nathan agreed, at least able to enjoy the joke with his sister. He was chuckling, waiting to hear where this story went and its final punch line.

“She’s some kind of spirit who started coming to Earth because you’re going to die in three months during an accident at your factory. She wanted to make your final year better before you willingly decided to throw your life away. Isn’t that hilarious?” Cammie jabbered, trying to out the ridiculousness of my story.

At first Nathan cringed, and then all expression seemed to drain from his face. He still had his cruddy work overalls on, and the rough, patchy growth still covered his hairy face. His eyes glazed over and he went to somewhere very deep inside his mind.

“So I’m going to die…in three months…at an accident at my factory?” he checked. Somehow he’d gotten it even though Cammie had tried her best to make a mockery of me.

“Ta da! Great story, huh?” I gave an unenthusiastic cheer. It didn’t bother me if they didn’t believe me. It was still going to happen all the same. We all sat in silence for a moment as Nathan processed Cammie’s ridiculous information. She wore a furtive grin, waiting for him to trash the whole idea. Instead, Nathan’s eyes rolled around his head as the pieces started to come together for him.

“An accident at the factory,” he mused, trailing off almost as soon as he’d started. His eyes kept coming back to me, scanning me for some sign about what he’d been told, but I gave him nothing to go on. “Now if I had to go, that would be the way to do it. Leave behind a cool million dollars, and all of a sudden all the stuff we’ve been struggling with would vanish.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Cammie snapped, suddenly deathly serious.

“Oh, yeah, back when I first got the job. I had to sign this form for “Fatal Accident Insurance Coverage.” Anyone who dies at work gets an unbelievably huge check. I put your name as the recipient, and it’d all go to you, Cammie.”

This was news to Cammie, and she immediately shot me a look meaning she intended to cut my head off. I don’t think I would’ve stopped her if she’d tried.

“Yeah, but that’s ridiculous, right Nathan?” she prodded, trying to resume some of the joke’s light-hearted tenor. Chuckling, Nathan anxiously agreed with her.

“Yeah, that’s totally ridiculous,” he said, and Cammie sat back in her chair at the kitchen table. Nathan didn’t move though. He just kept chewing his lip, a funny gleam in his eyes. “But if it had to happen and I was right there, man that would make such a difference for you and grandma. You’d have everything you’d ever need, practically set for life.”

“Nathan, stop! This isn’t funny anymore, and I never should’ve brought it up.” Terror flashed over Cammie’s eyes. Maybe now she was finally beginning to realize I’d been telling the truth. Nathan snorted, unable to get away from the subject.

“I’m just saying, hypothetically, there are worse ways to go. What could you do with a million dollars? The mortgage…gone. College would be covered even if you wanted a dozen PhD’s. You would be taken care of for a very, very long time.”

“I don’t want to hear another word about this, ok? Just drop it!” Cammie ordered, but the only thing that stopped was the playful manner of Nathan’s musings. He became more serious, reflective even. He brooded over the table, just staring at the reflection of the light on the wood.

“I mean, really. What else have I got going for me? I could sweat and toil for a lifetime at this job and not even make close to a million dollars. And that’s if Huntington’s doesn’t strike me down. Who’s to say it wouldn’t be better just to get it over with in one fell swoop? It’d be nice to leave something good behind,” he considered in a low voice.

“I told you,” I said to Cammie, my voice expressionless. She was beside herself, shaking and almost in tears. She shot to her feet, glaring down at him, her arms gesturing wildly.

“For the love of God, Nathan, would you listen to what you’re saying? What about me, ok? What would I do without you?” Cammie’s lips were quivering, and her glasses were fogging up. Though all these terrible things were going to happen to Nathan, it was her soul that was tortured over it.

“What would you do with me?” he shrugged, speaking out of cold, honest truth. “It’s not like brothers and sisters stay together forever. Yeah, it would suck at first, but by the time you got to college things wouldn’t be much different at all. And then you meet some guy and fall in love and get a house somewhere. By then you’ll probably have pretty much forgotten all about this. That’s the way people’s lives go.”

“That doesn’t mean I want you to die!” she shouted, making Nathan glance up at the ceiling and the grandmother who might’ve possibly heard. When he looked back, Cammie had already turned her attention to me. She shoved me roughly, but I was still wrapped in my own disbelief. “And what about you? Shouldn’t you be trying to help me?”

“Why bother? We’re just going to die someday too. Who’s to say it wouldn’t be smart to get out as soon as you can?” I moaned, and Cammie glowered at me. Nathan had his brown eyes my way too, taking me in. He wore some of that familiar fascination I’d used to enjoy, but now he had it for a very different reason.

“And you know that this is going to happen to me in three months because you’re a spirit who can appear and disappear and who knows the future?” he asked me, and I begrudgingly returned his attention.

“Yes, except I can’t do those things anymore. Everything that I was is lost, and now all I am is nothing. This is going to happen to you, Nathan, when on September 15th a crane drops a metal slab of the new roof against the cement silo, and you choose to use your forklift to prop the scaffolding against it, saving the lives of your coworkers until your own is extinguished.”

Hearing the details of it struck Nathan, and he got up and started pacing around the room. He put his hand through his hair and started scratching his beard.

“I couldn’t let anything happen to Willy,” he muttered, deep in thought. Cammie was unsuccessfully trying to fight back the tears.

“Please, Nathan! She says you just have to choose to do something different. It’s all up to you. If you can just change your mind I wouldn’t have to lose you.”

But it all made so much sense inside of Nathan’s head, and it was clear he’d already become resigned to it.

“What choice do I have, Cammie? Maybe this is what I’ve been meant for all along. This could finally make it so that you have what you need.”

“Nathan!” she begged, but he was moving away from her toward the door. He didn’t look sad about his fate so much as awe-struck. In a daze, he grabbed his jacket and prepared to head outside. But he gave me one last look, the first one I’d seen in him tonight that showed the kind of passion I thought he’d felt for me before. It was curious, and I couldn’t look away.

“If you had just three months left to live, what would you do?” he mused, ducking outside.

Cammie and I were suddenly alone. She was a devastated wreck, and I was strangely apathetic. I got up to see where Nathan was headed, but Cammie grabbed my shirt by the chest and shoved me back into my seat. The fury made her surprisingly forceful, and it knocked some feeling back into me.

“How could you do this to me?” she growled, but I was not in the mood to take the blame.

“Because you didn’t believe me, you brought this upon yourself!” I countered. “Now that he knows about it, you made absolutely sure he’ll see it through to the end.”

The revelation that she had somehow made it worse by bringing it up incited her all the more. She was gritting her teeth as the tears streamed around her lips.

“Tell me everything you can remember about what’s going to happen!” she ordered, scaring me with her intensity. “Tell me everything!”

Chapter 9

Cammie extracted every single detail I could recall about the accident, digging information out of me for hours until Nathan came back. She quizzed me things I could only guess at, taking copious notes the whole time. I was relieved when Nathan returned, hoping I’d be able to come clean about what I’d put him through this year. Apparently he’d just been out for a very long walk, and by the time he returned it was time for bed. It felt like a pinprick in my heart when he didn’t seem to want to talk to me.

I continued to get lots of attention from Cammie though, so much so that I had to start sleeping on the couch downstairs because she’d spend the whole night explaining how she’d connect little bits of the story to things she was going to do to stop it from happening.

The first thing she did was try to blow the whistle on Manny the crane operator who would be drinking on the job, but her anonymous tip over the phone didn’t amount to much. Maybe they’d talked to him, but that would only make him more discreet. And it wasn’t like she had any proof about anything he’d done to make him lose his job. She quickly realized it would be a dead end, but that didn’t stop her from pursuing other options.

While she was in the midst of finals, Cammie made calls to Better Business organizations about the cement company’s overtime practices, trying to prevent them from being able to put workers like Nathan through such long hours. It turned out though that the company wasn’t doing anything wrong, especially when most workers were volunteering for their overtime hours.

Cammie resorted to just calling up company executives, describing in detail how the accident would happen and begging them to do something to shut down the construction. Her “crackpot prediction” was met with uniform resistance, and proved to be a futile effort. Getting anyone to do anything to save Nathan was apparently more unthinkable than the accident itself.

Even though I was living at his house now, things were weird between Nathan and I. Most of the time he was at work doing overtime and Cammie was working on her experiment. That left me with a lot of time to spend with Gladys. Let’s just say I learned how to play Scrabble and Backgammon very quickly. I couldn’t even tell if Nathan was in a funk or not over the news, because he’d always seemed pretty distressed.

A couple of times I tried to ask him about it only to be practically ignored. I can’t say I did much to create a lively atmosphere in the house though. Mostly I just alternated between sulking, feeling sorry for myself, barely concealing my animosity at everything, and watching TV. I was in the middle of that last activity one weekend when out of the blue Nathan actually did approach me.

“What are you doing?” he asked, but I was typically grumpy.

“Sitting on my butt watching The Price is Right. These games are so stupid. I don’t know how anyone can find this entertaining.”

“It’s probably a lot more interesting if you can’t tell how it’s going to end before you start,” he shrugged.

“I also seem to be leaking blood…that can’t be normal.”

“Oh,” Nathan winced, but then he came over to me and tried to pull me off the couch. That’s when I’d noticed he’d shaved, his strong face and enticing skin in plain view. “Come on, sluggo. Let’s get out of here.”

But I had no energy to get up, feeling like a useless lump of clay, so he tugged me by the wrist and lifted me across his shoulders. I whimpered but didn’t exactly resist when he carried me away. Getting the door was tricky, and he almost banged my head, but soon we were outside and he was setting me into the passenger seat of his car. I gave him an annoyed glance.

“Relax. You’ll thank me later.”

We started driving through town in his rusty red pickup. Traffic slowed us down a bit, but it soon became obvious that we were leaving the city behind.

“Where are we going?” I groaned, having no idea. I slumped back against the seat, dragging my fingernail over a spot on the window.

“I guess you’ll just have to wait and find out,” he smirked, and I shot him a look. I’d said those words to him before, and he looked just as playful and carefree as I had. Now I was the depressed one, and I couldn’t even say I wanted to feel differently. I felt like nothing could ever be good again, and it was irritating to see him so cheerful when he had just as much reason to be sad as I did.

“Why are you so happy? Aren’t you upset about what’s going to happen?” I asked.

“Right now, I’ve got you all to myself, and there’s no reason to think about what came before or what’s going to come after. So it shouldn’t be too difficult to enjoy this, right?” he answered, shooting me a devilish look. But I found it annoying not knowing what was going to happen. I can’t say I enjoyed having my own words come back to haunt me either.

“You’re teasing me, aren’t you?” I said, acid in my voice, but nothing seemed to get to him.

“Enjoy it while you can, because teasing is just the beginning for you today.”

I had no idea what he had up his sleeve, but I had a feeling it would be disappointing and boring. We left the city behind, driving out into the country. For a second I thought we were headed to the place where we’d played in the leaves and carved pumpkins with children, but we had taken another route entirely. Instead of forests crowding around the road, we were in the middle of farmland, and the plains rolled out in every direction, only broken up by the occasional farmhouse or silo.

Plenty of other cars occupied this road, and it made me wonder if we were all headed toward the same destination. I spotted a cluster of buildings and strangely shaped structures rising in the distance. One looked like a massive wheel spinning little pods around its circumference. A sign propped near the side of the road put the mystery to rest.

“The county fair?” I verified. Though I wasn’t enthusiastic at all, a big grin took to his face.

“Let’s just say you don’t have to know the future to figure out where to have a good time,” he reasoned.

We parked in a long row of cars just beside the fairgrounds. I climbed out of my seat, setting my feet on the dirt. The smell of manure hit me immediately. The place seemed noisy and packed full of people. At least big fluffy clouds were doing their best to block out the sun though.

All of a sudden, I felt Nathan’s hands pushing me from behind. He was so excited to enter that even walking there would take too long. In just a few seconds he told me all about how he loved coming here every year and all the wonderful things he’d ever done. Other people moving toward the entrance actually seemed to anticipate the fair just as much.

When we reached the ticket counter, Nathan pulled out his wallet to pay for our admission. It was pretty thin looking, and I wondered how deep Nathan would have to dig to cover this expense. And what was it all for? I felt sorry for him if he thought doing this would cheer me up.

“Which ride do you want to go on first?” Nathan offered as we entered the fairgrounds. There were a lot of rides, games, stands, and tents set up around the area. Other than the Ferris wheel, a house of mirrors, bumper cars, simple roller coasters, and rote-o-routers dotted the area. Each had its own flashing lights, music, and anxious riders. Of everyone I saw, the only people I could relate to were the apathetic carnival workers.

“Whatever,” I said, but then Nathan took my hand and tugged me over toward a ride as though I’d chosen it myself. This ride was called “Rock Around the Clock,” and it featured a train of seat cars following an uneven circular track. Disco lights and musical notes adorned the walls, which whipped by as the riders went around and around.

After waiting in a short line, Nathan and I sat down in one of the cars and waited for the ride to begin. He reached out for a circular wheel in the middle.

“Hold on tight!” he urged, nodding at me, but I knew the ride would go much too slowly for me to need to hold anything. I just crossed my arms and soon we were whirling up and down the loop. The wind carried my hair, and we spun around and around until the ride stopped and we reversed directions.

“Whoa, now we’re going backwards. Amazing,” I droned. After a few more minutes, the ride ended and we exited alongside other riders. Just as soon as we were out in the open again, Nathan nudged my side to get my attention.

“That was at least a little fun, wasn’t it?” he coaxed, hoping to get me to smile for the first time today.

“I’m sorry, Nathan, but maybe this was a bad idea. None of this looks interesting to me. We can still go home and then your whole day won’t be ruined.” I wished I could’ve given him what he wanted, I really did, but I just wasn’t in the mood for it. I didn’t see the point of any of this stuff, or how it managed to make all of these other people happy. But the look in his eyes let me know that Nathan wasn’t about to give up so easily.

“You’ve just got to trust me on this one, ok?” he teased.

We went on several more rides, the merry-go-round, the bumper cars, and the tea cups, but all produced the same disappointing results. Even though I’d warned him this would happen, I did feel bad when I saw his enthusiasm start to fade. He probably thought he was doing something really sweet for me, and now I was killing it.

“Why don’t we try something a little different,” he conceded, and I was grateful for it. Instead of taking me to another ride, we started looking at the different games set up around the area. Some of them involved shooting basketballs into oddly shaped hoops, squirting water into targets, or tossing coins onto small platforms. None of these looked at all appealing to me.

“Nathan, these are just like that stupid show. What’s the point of these games?”

“First of all, I won’t tolerate any more disparaging comments about The Price Is Right, ok? That’s off limits. Second of all, the point of these games is to challenge yourself and see what you can do. The point is you don’t know what will happen, and so it’s fun to see if you can do it.”

He led me over to one booth that had objects stacked on shelves varying distances away. Participants were given three baseballs, each one a chance to knock down one of the objects. Stuffed animal prizes wreathed the booth. Inside, a particularly grisly looking carnival worker licked his chops when he saw us coming over. Nathan promptly slapped a dollar bill on the counter.

“Take your best shot!” he urged, handing me the three balls.

“You’re sure this is going to make you happy?” I asked.

“Without a doubt, Apoxy,” he smiled sweetly. “Now go knock something down.”

Holding the first ball in my fist, I surveyed the targets on the shelves. There were cans stacked up, bull’s-eyes, and a few blocks in the back. Aiming for the blocks, I chucked the ball, but it didn’t get anywhere close to them. The carnie laughed at me, and he didn’t even stop when I narrowed my eyes at him. I jerked my arm to throw the second ball and it didn’t come much closer.

“You realize we have no control over what happens, right?” I argued to Nathan. “I’m choosing to throw the ball, but then something else takes over and decides whether or not I’m going to hit it.”

Nathan shook his head though, making me pout.

“Whether that’s true or not, you can’t think like that anymore. You have to think you’re in control, or else you’ll never be able to do anything. Focus your mind on knocking over those blocks, and use your body to make it happen. It’s got to be all up to you.”

Hearing about this silly human perspective didn’t help me any, but I did want to knock over the blocks to get back at the smug carnie. I almost wanted to throw the ball at him, but I focused my mind, kept my eyes on the blocks, and made the throw. The baseball flew through the air and clipped the side of one of the blocks. It bounced away, leaving them perfectly intact.

“But I hit them! Why didn’t they fall over?” I gasped at Nathan.

“Better luck next time,” the carnie gloated.

Nathan and I turned away, and that’s when he whispered something in my ear.

“That’s because these games are rigged and it’s almost impossible to win.”

“That’s not fair!” I snapped, feeling genuinely angry about it.

“You’ve got to get a dead-on shot to make them fall over,” he lamented. I felt like I’d been tricked and I was practically breathing fire. Nathan raised his eyebrow at me, and I spotted another dollar in his hand. Looking him firmly in the eye, I nodded.

“Just three more balls?” the carnie chuckled, as Nathan happily handed over the dollar. “I’ve got a bucket full if you want it.”

“I recommend you get out of the way,” I snarled at him.

Holding the baseball tightly in my hands, I glared at the blocks on the shelf. I had to hit them directly in the center, which was difficult, but I wanted to do it more than anything. Hurling the first ball, it sailed over them, and I kicked at the dirt. The carnie put his hand over his mouth to hide his laughter. My second shot tipped the edge but once again didn’t knock them over.

“Come on, Apoxy. Do it for me,” Nathan whispered, and glancing back at his determined, foxy face gave me a sudden thrill that was hard to describe.

It was like we were back in that basement playing beer pong, and I reached back as far as I could to hurl it forward.

“Rrraahhhh!” I snapped my arm, sending the ball sailing directly at the blocks. It struck them dead in the center and knocked them into the back wall. “Yes!” I shouted, so happy I’d done it. The carnie, on the other hand, grumbled. He didn’t move from his spot in the corner though and Nathan had to step forward. He put his hands on the counter and glowered at the greasy little man.

“Give her a prize,” he ordered, and the carnie begrudgingly plucked a teddy bear from the wall. It was cute and fluffy.

“Thank you very much,” I said, finding it much easier to be polite now that I’d had the satisfaction of winning. Nathan and I walked away, and I squeezed the bear in my arms.

“Ok, maybe that was fun,” I admitted sheepishly.

“That was all you,” Nathan nodded. “You made that happen. Just like when you hit the cup and spilled beer all over Sasha’s heels. You’re good at throwing fast balls!”

It felt nice being good at something, and so I spared him any argument. Glancing around, people were also winning prizes from other bitter carnival workers, and that made me feel like I was finally a part of what was going on. Nathan seemed glad I was finally having a better time too.

We stopped to have lunch next, and Nathan bought me a sausage sandwich and got himself a hamburger. There were rows of picnic tables nearby, and we sat down to eat. I can’t say I was entirely over my grumpy mood, and I still didn’t have much interest in any of the rides, but I did begin to appreciate what Nathan was trying to do for me.

And it’s a good thing I did too, because I started to notice a few other girls who seemed interested in taking my place. It was just the sound of laughter that got my attention at first, so I turned my head and was startled to find a pair of girls who were already looking at us. Well, I shouldn’t say they were looking at us. They really had their eyes on Nathan and the t-shirt that wrapped around his biceps and thick shoulders. His messy hair cast a bit of a shadow over his intoxicating eyes.

The girls were whispering to each other, obviously into him, and it must’ve looked like he was dragging around a drowned rat by the way I was moping. Honestly, what would happen to me if he went off with them? I couldn’t say I’d blame him. I didn’t even want to be around myself lately. But the least I could do was try to make more of an effort. Maybe he hadn’t completely forgotten the way I used to make him feel when I was cheering him up instead of the other way around.

“Did I ever tell you,” I began, unsure of where I was going, “why I chose to come find you in the first place?”

“No,” he shook his head, gazing at me curiously. I swallowed, hesitant about how he would interpret what I’d felt about him.

“It’s amazing to me that a species can exist with so much self-directed malice, cruelty, and deceit. So to see someone do something that was so entirely selfless and giving, the ultimate act of self-sacrifice, it was just so tragically rare that I couldn’t help but feel you deserved something for it.”

I couldn’t even look him in the eyes as I spoke. These were things that were supposed to be kept secret, but now that I was just like Nathan, I had to be able to trust him with them.

“And it looks like I got you,” he mused, but it struck a painful chord within me.

“What a great gift I was, wasn’t I?” I rued. “Nothing has turned out the way I’d intended it, and that was before my wings were clipped and I lost myself inside these blue eyes. I’d meant to make you happy, Nathan, but instead I just filled you with heartache and confusion. You deserve something much better for your sacrifice.”

Nathan appeared slightly uncomfortable. Maybe it was talking about his feelings for me before he’d even shared them. I didn’t know what I was saying, and even this felt like it was becoming a disaster. How come I could never come up with the right thing to say?

“It’s strange being judged for something you haven’t even done yet,” he said, filling the pause. “How do I know I really deserve it? How do you know that person who’ll do those things is really me?”

There was a hint of pain in his eyes then, and I felt terrible for bringing it out of him with all of this serious talk. Still, I had to appreciate how brave he was being about the whole thing. We’d practically finished our lunches, but I couldn’t get up without trying to do something to make it clear why I’d done it.

“That’s your heart, Nathan, the one thing that makes you different. It’s what gives you a beauty inside that radiates out in everything you do. You are so fiercely giving that you’ll do anything you can to take care of the people you love. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, she’s trying to protect you just as fiercely. Now it’s just a matter of who will win out.”

“So you really think I’ll go through with it?” he asked, looking at me solemnly.

“You’ll do what you think is right,” I concluded.

Even though the girls at the other table were still gawking at him, at least I’d said something to him that was real. It was strange to know him in a way that he couldn’t even know himself, but I had to refuse to give him the answers when he asked me what he would do. No one would be able to answer that question except for himself when the time came.

We headed for the 4-H section of the fairgrounds next, and soon we were strolling through barns full of animals. There were so many of them, and they were all so big. The cows and horses intimidated me, and I could hardly get near them. I was worrying that we’d be better off leaving and going back to the games until I saw some animals that weren’t so threatening.

A flock of rambunctious baby ducks scampered about a fenced-in area of grass. These little yellow puff balls were running around, crashing into each other, and the whole thing was hopelessly adorable.

“Aww,” I cooed, wanting to reach down and touch one. Before I knew what was going on, Nathan had bought some food, and the owner was opening a small gate to let us in.

“Am I really going to get to go in there?” I asked. It was so exciting seeing all of these beautiful little creatures happily hunting around their den. Nathan handed me some of the little food pellets and I crouched down to let them nibble.

“Are you hungry?” I asked, still a little nervous about the clamoring ducklings. I had my arm way out, afraid to have them too close. All of a sudden, Nathan knocked me onto my side and before I could say “Hey!” he’d thrown the rest of the pellets on me, leaving me completely at the mercy of the fearless baby ducks. They climbed all over me, searching through my clothes and my hair for their food. Nathan was laughing uncontrollably, and I was practically squealing as I felt them wriggling all over me. Pretty soon I was laughing too, and I carefully sat up, carrying ducks on my head, shoulders, and in my hands.

I loved it, and I just looked at Nathan, unable to believe that he could know that doing such a thing would turn out to be so amazing.

“You’d better watch your back now,” I warned, but it’s hard to have a stern face when you’re smiling from ear to ear.

“You don’t want me to go back teasing now, do you?” he chuckled.

After that, I was much less scared of the animals. Going back through, we got to milk the cows, ride the horses, and feed other animals, like goats and llamas. It was surprising how long gone my bad mood was or my hesitation about the fair. Suddenly, everything looked like it was so much fun, and I had Nathan to thank for it.

We spent hours with the animals, and even some of the rides were much better the second time around. Nathan and I ran through the house of mirrors, collided in the bumper cars, and played a few more games. Soon I had a goldfish in a little plastic bag to go with my teddy bear.

The day wore on, and I started to become deathly afraid that it would come to an end. The sun was starting to set, and I kept casting worried glances at Nathan, expecting him to say at any moment that we should get back to the car and head home for the night. The air was still so warm though, and the lights in the early evening were even more dazzling.

“We don’t have to go, do we?” I asked, looking up at him right by my side.

“Did you want to go?” he asked.

“No!” I burst, and he had to laugh.

“Ok then. It’s good I have one more thing in mind.”

There was a long line to get into the Ferris wheel, which meant Nathan wasn’t nearly the only one to entertain such an idea. But I didn’t have any idea what the big deal was until we gradually plodded our way to the front and climbed in the tiny enclosed car. I sat on the cool metal seat and peeked through the grated windows to the rides on the other side. It got my attention though when Nathan sat next to me, our hips just touching.

It was cool, but having Nathan right by my side did something to me I couldn’t explain. The door closed, and we felt the pod jerk as it rotated along with the giant wheel. It stopped after just a moment to allow the next people to get on. That’s when I noticed how Nathan was gazing at me. He seemed so comfortable looking at me, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. His eyelids were lowered just a tiny bit and his cheeks were raised as if his eyes were smiling.

I couldn’t say what he saw in me that interested him so much, to be honest. And actually, the thought of it made me sad. I’d been acting terrible lately, and worst of all to Nathan today. I felt like I was wilting under his eyes, as if his vision could expose me for the sorry little being I was. Altogether, I felt so vulnerable and fragile.

“Nathan, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I confessed, unable to even look at him.

“It’s a ride. You’re just supposed to let it spin around and enjoy it as much as possible until it comes to an end,” he said.

“I was talking about my life,” I clarified.

“So was I,” he nodded. A strand of hair fell in front of my eyes, blocking him from view, but he brushed it away, letting his finger caress the side of my head. “You have to do what we all do, just try our best to figure things out even though we have no idea what we’re doing here. You just have to build, bit by bit, a life that makes you happy and reflects what you care about. Do you think you can do that?”

I nodded reluctantly, not knowing what else to do. The Ferris wheel was spinning, bringing us closer to the top.

“This must seem so pathetic and childish to you, having to show me around and look after me all the time.” I feared he would agree with me, and so I shyly glanced at him to see how he would react. Holding my breath, I waited for him to answer.

“Isn’t that the exact same thing you did for me? That’s what being alive is about, looking after each other and helping when things are hard. If you just keep fighting though, things’ll get better. You’ve got to believe in it. No, I wouldn’t say this is at all unpleasant,” he smiled, looking out over the fairgrounds and then turning back toward me. “Actually, it’s pretty romantic.”

I’d felt better that he wasn’t looking down on me, but I still couldn’t believe what he’d said about where we were now.

“What’s romantic about it?” I asked. He lightly pressed his fingers against the far side of my face so he could look me directly in the eyes. I was suddenly nervous, anxious, and fearful all at the same time about what he would do. Everything about him was so gentle and inviting, and I just wanted to curl up against him.

“What’s romantic about being with you here alone, high in the air above everything else? You, a girl who sacrificed everything she was to help make things better for me, and did so spectacularly as though she weren’t even trying. I told you once that you were all I had to go on, but that makes it sound like I didn’t have much. Really, you’re everything that keeps me going, and that’s a whole lot more than I ever dreamed possible. I’d have to be made of stone not to find anything romantic in that.”

“Oh, Nathan,” I gasped, completely blown away. I couldn’t believe he had said that to me. Where could he have hidden those feelings? Whatever beautiful girl was reflected in his eyes, that’s who I wanted to be.

His hand was still on the side of my face, warmly holding me. He brought it to the back of my neck, making me crane my head as he leaned closer. My heart was beating out of my chest, and he’d taken my breath away long before I felt the soft press of his lips against mine. The feeling reverberated through me like ripples in a pond, echoing an electrical bliss all the way into my fingers and toes.

Overcome by the beauty of something so passionate and fulfilling, I kissed him back, bringing my hands to his handsome face and pulling him closer to me. I lost myself in the rush of feeling and barely even noticed it when he’d forced me back against the wall. His fingers were sliding up my thigh. I got lost in the feeling of his lips, and for a moment I thought I’d disappeared. How is it possible to transmit so much feeling through a kiss? All of those emotions he’d kept bottled up inside flowed forth from his lips, making my heart tingle with bliss.

When Nathan drifted away, and our sticky lips reluctantly parted, the look in his eyes had a feeling in them that I could trace back for as long as I’ve known him. It was there when we were lying in a big pile of leaves, when we were standing on the top of the hill in the moonlight, when we were dancing to beautiful music during an elegant ball, and when we were running through the streets for our lives. It was love, and it had always been there, just waiting for me to accept it.

There was something else on his face that had been there for a time and I had yet to realize it too. A big blue glow lit up his face on one side, and I turned my head to see the fireworks going off in the distance. They seemed so close I wanted to reach out and touch them. Glancing back, I saw Nathan was grinning. How clever was he to plan this all out?

“Happy Fourth of July,” he said, and I echoed it back as I drifted into his arms.

Chapter 10

That kiss stayed with me in a way I could’ve never expected. It was always there in my mind, hanging just behind my eyes in that little place where you store your dreams. And, for a time, it was the rose petals that conceal all thorns, giving life to my days when I had every reason for despair.

Nathan and I had never been happier, and whether it was whispers down the hall or barely concealed flirting during meals, we loved every minute of the time we spent together. His spirits were weightless, and I admired him for it. Better still, I was able to embody the kind of lighthearted feeling that breed a thousand smiles on long summer nights. We had the present, and that was more than enough for us.

Even though that kiss did more to make me feel like I belonged in this world than anything else that had happened to me, Cammie seemed more uncomfortable than ever. Trying to divide her mind between saving her brother and winning the state science championships had nearly cleaved her in two. But at least the time for her to face one of those challenges had come.

There was barely enough room in the back of Nathan’s truck for all of the equipment for Cammie’s experiment. She’d used enough bubble wrap on the Hofmann Voltameter that it would survive if we’d thrown it out of a plane, but that didn’t calm her at all. Then there were a host of other gadgets and pieces that I couldn’t have explained if I’d wanted to.

We’d packed it all away and climbed in the truck to leave just as the sun came up. It would take hours for Cammie to prepare everything at the civic center where the championships were being held, and it was all for just a five-minute presentation when the judges arrived at her booth.

Cammie squeezed between Nathan and I in the truck. She fidgeted and twitched, hardly able to keep her hands still. Her face was so pale it seemed as though she stared into the face of death.

“Keep breathing, Cammie,” Nathan said as we drove through the empty early-morning streets. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Are you kidding me? There’s never been a repeat champion before! They’re going to be extra tough on me,” she stammered.

“Is your machine going to work?” I asked her, raising my eyebrow.

“I think so. I mean, I’ve tested it. But what if something happens? What if something goes wrong?” she squeaked.

It was funny watching this thin little girl twist herself into knots over something I used to be able to do without even thinking. Nathan and I glanced at each other across her, trying to keep our amusement subtle.

“You should’ve seen her at the competition last year,” Nathan began. “She almost passed out in the middle of her presentation. Her experiment had to do with the use of anesthetics, and I think half the crowd thought she’d actually used them on herself. She still managed to win though.”

“That’s amazing!” I said. Cammie really was a genius, and right now it seemed like she was my only shot at finding a way back home. But now thinking of home filled me with a different kind of regret. If I left, I’d be leaving Nathan behind, and I wasn’t sure I could do that.

The city’s civic center was a huge concrete edifice towering over the other nearby buildings. Even though it was early, there were plenty of other vehicles depositing equally hopeful young scholars to the venue. Very indiscreetly, Cammie tried to sneak a peek at the other students’ equipment as we ferried hers into the convention hall. Students and their parents were the only ones around at the moment. The crowds would come later for the presentations, including Gladys and Cammie’s friends.

Once we’d checked in and been appointed a booth, Cammie started to unpack her equipment. She wouldn’t let us touch anything, though her shaky hands seemed a much greater danger. Somehow she managed to arrange everything on the table. In addition to the Hofmann Voltameter, the jumper cables, and the car battery, she had a sealed metal box, a vacuum pump, and something wrapped in a blue blanket. Unlike before when the Voltameter’s plastic tubes led to a balloon, Cammie now hooked the hydrogen tube and the vacuum pump to the metal box, which had a door on one side that made it look like a safe.

All of the competitors were spying on each other the whole time, trying to figure out what they were up against and how their chances were. When Cammie spotted one kid who was setting up a baking soda volcano, she laughed.

“That kid’s clueless. He comes every year with the same lame experiment,” she said, turning to shout across the room. “Get a clue!”

“Hey, take it easy!” Nathan admonished her. She could barely control herself for the nerves.

But many of the other contraptions appeared just as complicated and thought-provoking as Cammie’s did. Someone had used an ultraviolet light telescope to chart planets that might be able to sustain life. Another student was working on a way to make hydrogen gasoline. Right across from Cammie’s booth, a clean-cut young man set up for a presentation on a microbe that could live on arsenic in place of phosphorus. When Cammie saw that, she practically suffocated.

“I can’t beat that, not even with this,” she whimpered as Nathan and I huddled around her. Nathan took her hand and gave it a yank to get her attention.

“Come on. You can do this!” he urged. “You’ve pushed yourself for this for months, and it’s going to work! Those judges are going to be blown away. I believe in you, Cammie. There’s nothing you can’t do.”

Cammie offered a stilted nod, trying to catch her breath. She looked positively hollow, like a breeze could knock her over, but I think it helped that Nathan was here for her. We still had time to grab an early lunch before the opening ceremony. Cammie hardly said a word. She’d memorized all of her notes. She knew what to say. Now it just had to happen.

People filed in for the start of the competition. A senator gave a speech on the importance of science education to a crowd of hundreds of spectators. He would be judging along with two science professors from top universities.

Once the opening ceremony was over, students returned to their booths and waited for the judges. Gladys joined us then, using a cane to support herself. A flock of Cammie’s friends were around too, though they knew to give her some space. The judges and the crowd worked around the convention center, and every few minutes there’d be another pop or bang as an experiment went off. As tempted as I was to see what everyone had made, I had to stay here and support Cammie.

By the time the judges made it to the booth to our left, Nathan was practically holding Cammie on her feet. He kissed her on her head and then stepped away as the judges led the crowd over.

“Cammie Wheeler, the interconnectivity of parallel planes of existence,” the silver-haired senator read from a clipboard. Cammie took a deep breath, and sprung into action as though her body were acting without her mind.

“Welcome, everyone. I’m Cammie Wheeler, and I’m going to give you irrefutable proof that parallel universes, as we commonly know them, do exist.”

“That’s an extraordinary claim, Ms. Wheeler,” the senator smirked, raising a curious eyebrow.

“Yes, but the logic behind it is really quite simple,” she explained, standing in front of her equipment. “It all comes down to five little words. Energy. Space. Time. Mass. Probability.”

Cammie gestured to the Voltameter.

“One of the most basic building blocks of energy we know is hydrogen. Made up of protons, which in turn are made up of quarks, this is the energy that links the countless planes of existence together. We’ve just never known how to harness them before. The space required for this equation will be the space inside this metal case. We will suck out the air using this vacuum and replace it with hydrogen gas from the Hofmann voltameter.

“Our constant for this experiment is time. We will exchange one object in the present of our reality for a nearly identical object that also exists at the very same moment. Now let me introduce you to someone very special to me who we’ll be experimenting on.”

Reaching into her bag, she removed the blue blanket and peeled it away to reveal an old teddy bear about the size of a cantaloupe.

“This is Mr. Snuggles, and I’ve had him for as long as I’ve been alive. I want you to write down a short description of him, because when we exchange him for his counterpart from another reality, those notes will be the only way for you to remember the new bear hasn’t been here all along.”

Coming back to her senses, Cammie glanced at me and nodded before resuming her nearly automated routine.

“Please note the condition of the bear. His entire right arm is missing, as is one of his button eyes. He’s had a hard life, to be sure, but he’s still soft and fuzzy. Here, you can feel. Write it in a way that will make you believe this is the bear you are seeing now.”

The judges concluded their writing and went back to looking at Cammie.

“Ok,” the senator said. “That’s the mass. What about probability?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Cammie resumed. “The chance of any one manifestation existing in one reality is nearly random, but in the absence of knowledge, one object could exist in any of them. There’s one famous thought experiment I’d like to call your attention to, that of Schrödinger’s cat. The theory goes that if you put a cat in a box with something that can kill it depending on a disappearing particle, you have to assume the cat is both alive and dead until you open the box to find out. We’re going to put Mr. Snuggles into this box, where the energy will compel it to change places with any other Mr. Snuggles that is also not being directly observed. Are you ready? Here we go.”

As Cammie placed the one-armed teddy bear in the case and sealed the door, I then realized the true extend of her genius. She’d somehow been able to figure out how I was able to appear and disappear at will even though I’d never told her. My mouth dropped open as I gasped. The judges and the spectators were wrapped in fascination. You could see the twinkle of eagerness in their eyes.

Cammie switched on the vacuum to suck the air out of the case, and then she went and hooked the sparking jumper cables to the voltameter, which quickly began to bubble. Once the air was gone, Cammie turned the vacuum off and stepped back to watch the voltameter pump hydrogen gas into the case. On the opposite side, oxygen gas inflated a balloon. After a few moments, Cammie checked a gauge on the metal case and took a deep breath.

“There’s no telling what will be different about Mr. Snuggles when I open this case. It might be so minute that we’ll have to search at the microscopic level.”

Setting her hand on the handle, Cammie slowly opened the case. Everyone leaned closer, jostling for a peek. When Cammie reached in to remove the bear, just a single glance at it made her gasp.

The brown bear had both arms and both eyes, but it was no longer soft. Layers of dirt clung to its exterior and it appeared as though it had been buried outside for years and years. Cammie’s hand was shaking from the shock, but it wasn’t the delight it should’ve been. She’s made a terrible mistake in her perfect presentation.

She’d forgotten to write down what the bear looked like before for herself.

“What’s the meaning of this?” the senator growled angrily. “You just put it in and took it out again. Where’s the proof?”

Cammie stared blankly at the crowd, still holding the bear she thought she’d had for her entire life. There were groans and murmurs running throughout the crowd. That tiny mistake had ruined her experiment.

“Wait!” I yelled, feeling flushed myself. “The judges have to compare it to what they wrote!”

It dawned on me that I could still tell the difference between what had been switched. Somehow that was still something I could do. Petrified, Cammie could barely shift her eyes from me back to the judges, who complied and checked their notes.

All three of them cringed and shook their heads.

“Nice idea,” the senator scowled, tearing the sheet of paper off and crumpling it. He was already glancing over toward the next booth. “But you shouldn’t make claims you can’t back up, Ms. Wheeler.”

The judges and the crowd started to move away, and Cammie already had tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked like she was going to fall, and Nathan rushed in to support her.

“Why didn’t it work?” she wept, sliding onto the floor. Her friends were crowding around too, trying to tell her she did a great job even though it had gone disastrously wrong. She still held the dirty bear, one that must’ve gotten lost when another Cammie was still very young.

Her emotional display was getting embarrassing, so Nathan lifted her back to her feet.

“I think we need to take a walk,” he suggested.

Cammie hobbled as though she had sprained her ankle. We left the convention hall and found a secluded spot on the steps outside. Cammie slumped against the concrete, holding her face in her hands. It was painful to watch. I put my hand on Nathan’s back because I knew this was a blow for him as well.

“How come everything about this year has been so terrible?” she bawled.

It seemed so unfair to me, and I started to get worked up about it. All of a sudden I was kneeling at Cammie’s feet, begging her to let me distract her from her tears.

“Listen to me, Cammie. This isn’t your bear! Do you understand that?”

She clutched the stuffed animal even closer to her stomach. Reluctantly, she shifted her eyes to me and my sympathetic smile.

“Even if no one else believes it, I know it worked! Your bear had a missing arm with stuffing spilling out. You’ve never seen the one you’re holding before in your life. You have to believe me!”

Nathan was apprehensive as well, and I had to shoot him a quick look to let him know I wasn’t playing any games. Cammie’s crying slowed, but she didn’t look much happier.

“I know everything is saying you failed. The competition is over, it seems like you’re holding the same stuffed animal you’ve known your entire life, and then there’s me sitting here in front of you and promising you with all my heart that what you did was real. You figured it out, Cammie, and that’s worth so much more than any trophy.”

I stopped, waiting for any kind of a reaction. I was excited because I’d seen a part of myself that I’d lost in what this girl had made today.

“I think you should listen to her. She’s said a lot of weird things to me, but now that I think about it they all seem to make a lot more sense,” Nathan added, and I could’ve kissed him for it.

Cammie exhaled, glancing at us both. Her face wasn’t so flushed and the tears stopped.

“Maybe…maybe it worked and I just didn’t know it. I should’ve had them take a picture.”

“Exactly,” Nathan and I agreed, and we helped her back to her feet. She got plenty of additional comfort from Gladys and her friends. They were supportive even though they didn’t really get it when she tried to explain what happened and how nobody could realize the difference. When something switched into another universe, it traded all of the memories people had too.

The three of us felt melancholy as we packed away her equipment and started home. It must’ve been such a rush for them last year to return home champions, but this year we didn’t have anything to talk about. We emptied the bed of the truck, stacking a big pile of equipment in the living room by the couch. Nathan had to get up early tomorrow for work, and that left Cammie and I alone.

“Do you promise me it worked?” she asked, looking like she was about to break down.

“Absolutely. It really did,” I confirmed. Some of her fiery spunk fought through her sadness then, and I could see her brain working overtime.

“Good. Then maybe we can use this on Nathan to stop him from getting in the accident,” she suggested, but it sounded more like an order. Alarms were going off in my head as my face went slack.

“No! We can’t do that. If you traded Nathan away, the person who you got in return wouldn’t be your brother. There’s no telling what switching someone in a parallel universe might mean.”

“It’s something!” she declared. “We have to do something!”

“I know we do,” I calmed her, looking back to the stairs and hoping Nathan hadn’t heard. “But this won’t help you. Please trust me. If you send him off into one of ten trillion realities, you’d never get him back. Even if you thought you did, even if you thought the new Nathan always belonged here, there would always be something just off about him!”

I tried to explain it as clearly as I could. Moving people between dimensions had been the one thing I could do that had always been off limits for me. It was a guaranteed way to wreak havoc on everything.

Cammie grasped that I wasn’t kidding and started to sniffle again. The girl tipped back onto the couch, covering her face in her hands. When I sat next to her, she fell into my side. I was stunned, but I put my arm around her.

“I can’t lose him, Apoxy.”

I should’ve told her he was already gone. That’s what was going to happen. But I just couldn’t bring myself to say it.

*

Cammie didn’t have too much time to sulk over her loss, even though it made Nathan’s rapidly approaching fate seem even more dire, and so every day that passed felt like a great millstone grinding away her soul.

She worked at saving her brother’s life, and in her duties she was relentless. As often as she could, Cammie went to the cement factory to take measurements of the colossal silo and the other machinery. Somewhere within all the numbers she compiled, she believed she would be able to change her brother’s future.

It only took a couple of trips for the owners of the cement factory to become suspicious, and she was soon banned from the premises. We were all surprised when she went again and the police brought her home. Now a court order prevented her from getting anywhere near the site. In all of her trips, she’d gathered quite a bit of data, which she would combine with my account of how events would unfold. It didn’t seem nearly enough though, not enough at least to give her the faintest sense of optimism.

I found myself sympathizing with her more and more. As women like myself have an awful habit of doing, I twisted my blissful memories until they became haunting and painful. The kiss that I had cherished and the time I spent with Nathan that I loved were no longer the purely beautiful things they once were.

It became impossible not to look at his handsome face and not feel the dull ache that comes from having something and losing it. Every second we spent together stung because in my mind I knew these precious moments were disappearing into the past where I could no longer get to them. When would be the last time I saw him smile? Or felt his wonderful touch? Or saw him looking at me?

I thought about these things late in the night, long after I had gone to bed and reluctantly abandoned another day. If the past had tormented Nathan, now the future accosted me, and there was no way I could escape it. I longed to climb the stairs and slowly push in the door to his bedroom. I wanted to lie down next to him and feel him holding me. That seemed like the only possible solution to these interminable feelings.

Getting up from the couch, I wandered through the dark living room toward the stairs. My heart was beating fast, and I didn’t know what I was doing. The need to fight off the loss of Nathan drove me on, and I set my feet on the cool, creaky steps. There were only a few doors on the second floor, and I set my fingertips lightly against Nathan’s, even resting my cheek against the smooth wood.

But I knew the sanctuary waiting for me on the other side of this door was only temporary. I couldn’t say for sure what Nathan would do if I tried to join him, but whatever we did would only make the pain worse later. I would have to do something strong and face my fears now instead of hiding from them, and that meant opening another door.

Cammie slept in her bed, her face as fixed and determined as it usually was while she was awake. I kneeled beside her, knowing it would be better to wait until morning, but I just had to say this or else I thought I would explode. Afraid, I set my hand on her shoulder and gave her a light shake. She must’ve been sleeping lightly, because her eyes opened to watch me while all the rest of her stayed still.

“We have to save Nathan!” I said, and her eyes grew wider. These simple words meant I was her ally, and together we had to fight against something that couldn’t be changed. Nathan would choose to drive his forklift into the towering cement silo when it started to fall. Cammie kept her eyes on me, not blinking for almost a minute. I had to show her I was serious, that I meant it, and so I didn’t break her gaze.

She squinted and blinked, rousing herself and reaching for a lamp beside the bed. Sitting up, she put her feet on the floor and then suddenly took my hands in hers.

“I’ve been waiting for you to say that!”

From then on, Cammie and I were a team, fighting every day to do what could not be done. Never before has a student attacked equations as ferociously as Cammie did. Gritting her teeth, stabbing with her pencil, she fought tooth and nail for a way to get Nathan out of the cement factory before it collapsed. She had yet to figure out how to stop Nathan from going to work that day, or better yet how to convince him not to make the sacrifice in the first place. There were no mathematical formulas for that.

I wished her the best of luck, because she charged me with the task of changing Nathan’s mind, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be unsuccessful. She seemed to think that any affection he might have for me would make a tangible difference, but I could’ve told her that his decision had been carved out in stone at the beginning of time.

It didn’t stop me from trying though. The task at least gave me an excuse to spend as much time with him as I could. We mostly just engaged in small talk and avoided any probing questions about deeper topics, but I held onto hope there’d be a way to get through to him.

I had a feeling I would finally get my chance when he suggested we go out for another drive, just the two of us. It couldn’t have come too soon either because September had just begun. I wondered if we’d be heading out into the country again or if he’d try to recreate the kind of romance I’d felt when we’d kissed. Pulling into a city parking lot dashed my first thought, but as for the second, I couldn’t yet be sure.

“This is where I went to grade school,” he said, leaning over the steering wheel so he could glimpse the long two-story building. Some of the windows were open, revealing lots of children’s artwork within. “I wanted to visit it one more time.”

Nathan climbed out of the car carrying a backpack with him, almost as though he were on his way to school. I slowly exited the vehicle too, already feeling the scene tugging on my heartstrings.

We walked around the side of the parking lot by a playground, and Nathan held out his hand to touch the swings. He pointed to spots on the pavement where he used to play foursquare, but the lines had long since been washed away. This was where they used to push the snow into huge piles where the kids had epic snowball fights ten feet in the air.

It was difficult for me to pin down exactly how he felt about everything or exactly why he’d wanted to come here. There were bits of melancholy and an occasional shake of wistfulness, but otherwise he didn’t sound all that sad about leaving these memories behind. I didn’t say much, preferring instead to let him lead me around and talk about things as he wished.

Leaping up the stairs to the entrance, he held the door for me and flashed a bright smile. I scooted myself in, appreciating his gallantry, and soon we were walking down a long dark hall. A few people were busy working in the office, but the teachers must’ve been enjoying the last gasps of their summer vacation. There was a trophy case against the wall and a number of old pictures. Nathan looked for his class among them.

“Oh, look! There I am!” he beamed.

“I see,” I nodded, finding it difficult to match his enthusiasm when everything seemed so tragic. There was a little boy in the picture that used to be Nathan. He had a puffy blue coat on as he stood alongside his classmates beside the sign at the front of the school. He had a huge smile on, as happy as could be. That little boy had no idea what would happen to him, or how little time he had left.

Wandering the hall, I noticed the desks in the classroom get shorter and shorter. We peeked our head into one room that had huge maps of the world all over the place. Another was the art room, and we walked around its perimeter checking out all of the watercolors and clay creations that had been left behind at the end of the previous school year.

But when Nathan coaxed me into the classroom at the end of the hall, I knew this is what we really came to see. This was the first-grade classroom, and the desks were so short they seemed like they were meant for dolls instead of people.

“This is Mrs. Bentley’s classroom. Or at least it was,” Nathan explained, noting another name adorning the door. “She used to read to us for hours it seemed, and we loved every minute of it. Some people have a great gift for reading.”

Nathan pulled out one of the chairs and plopped down in it, forcing me to laugh. His legs were sticking out through the bottom and when he tried to get up he almost fell over. He went to the board and picked up a piece of yellow chalk, drawing a sunflower on the board. Strolling around the room, he opened some of the drawers and checked out the fresh supplies. The students had little cubbies for their belongings along one wall, and Nathan put his hand in the one that used to be his.

This was all very cute, but I had to know what the point of it all was.

“Nathan, why did you bring me here?”

He didn’t seem in any hurry to answer my question though, instead moving for an empty space on a countertop. I joined him there, hoping being closer would make him more comfortable sharing.

“If there was one thing Mrs. Bentley was good at, it was making you feel like you could do anything. The sky was the limit. We could shoot for the stars. The whole world was ours for the taking. Here, I want to show you something.”

Nathan reached into his backpack and removed a single piece of paper. He set it on the counter, and it only took one look for my eyes to well up. I put my hand to my chest, feeling like this little piece of paper would kill me.

“How can you keep showing these things to me? It’s breaking my heart!” I cried.

The piece of paper bore the title, “What I Want to Be When I Grow Up.” It had a rough picture of a soccer player kicking a ball toward a goal at the top. A few lines of sloppily drawn letters composed a short essay at the bottom. When Nathan read them, I had to cover my eyes.

“When I grow up, I want to be a soccer player. Because I am very fast and good at soccer. My favorite position is striker. I like to score goals and hear my whole team cheer.”

I wiped my puffy eyes when he was done. There might not be anything sadder than hearing the wishes of a child that would never come true.

“You can still have this!” I argued, but he just shook his head.

“No, I couldn’t. I was never that good. I’ve always loved playing it, but I’ll never be better than a second-string player for a division-three college.”

“Then have that, Nathan,” I begged. “It’s not too late for you to get back to school. A couple of years could lead to a better job, and then Cammie would have no trouble getting into college.”

Nathan rolled his eyes at me.

“I’d made the same argument to Sasha, and she was right to trash it. I’m trapped in this job, and it’s going to take my life sooner or later anyway. But this isn’t even what I wanted to get into. This piece of paper is only half of it.”

Reaching into his bag again, Nathan removed another piece of paper, which he placed next to his on the counter.

Scanning this second sheet, I immediately became ill. It was all too obvious what he’d intended on doing today, and it brought a swift chill to my core.

This piece of paper was Cammie’s response to the exact same assignment. She’d wanted to be a doctor, and she’d created a beautiful, colorful drawing of one helping a sick patient. There was even a little EKG machine. In her immaculately handwritten essay, she discussed wanting to help sick people and cure diseases. It made me wonder whether she’d written this before or after Nathan had saved her in the lake. He didn’t read me the essay, probably knowing from my deathly pale face that I’d gotten the message.

“Nathan…” I cooed.

“What does the world need another one of, a soccer player or a doctor?” he asked earnestly. It took so little seriousness for his face to scare me now. I just shook my head, pleading with him.

“You don’t have to hold yourself to this,” I squeaked, barely able to talk. I reached out to put my hand on his chest. He didn’t brush me away, but he didn’t encourage me either.

“You can’t give me an honest answer, can you? For all her smarts, Cammie can’t even argue with me on this one. No one can. Out of these two kids, if one had to have a future, which would you pick?”

I was weeping openly now, the tears streaming down my face. My legs couldn’t support me and I collapsed against him. His arms were around me, hugging me close to his warm body with my head on his chest, but it still didn’t change how terribly I felt. It took a few moments for me to compose myself, but even as I pulled away I still couldn’t accept what was going to happen.

“What am I supposed to do when you’re gone?” I wept. It was probably the most terribly selfish thing to say, but I was desperate for any way to convince him at this point. He looked at me not with condescension but affection. He sympathized with me, feeling some of the hurt I felt.

“Cammie can take care of you. There’ll be more than enough money to make sure you can do whatever you want with your life too. And you’ll deserve it, not just because of what you did for me, but because I’m kind of hoping you’ll be able to keep an eye out for her.”

I was fighting back the tears, clenching my face and refusing to give in to another round of sobs. I hated what we were going through, and even though it would’ve been easier to give up, I just had to keep going.

“So that’s it then?” I growled. “I’m just supposed to say goodbye? How can you do that to me, Nathan? How cruel is it for the last thing you do right before you die is make me love you?”

Nathan’s eyes grew wide, and a fire flashed behind them.

“Don’t say that to me if you don’t mean it,” he warned.

“And what if I do mean it?” I sputtered. “Would it even matter?”

“Of course it matters!”

“Just not enough for you to do anything differently. No, I understand,” I nodded vindictively. “I guess I learned my lesson for getting involved in the first place.”

I was done arguing, and I brushed by him for the door, but he stormed after me.

“Apoxy! You knew I was going to do this from the moment you first met me. How can you be so mad about it now? You understood this was going to happen all the way back when we met on the street and you took your name from a poster on a hardware store window.”

I stopped dead and turned back, looking into his brown eyes that carried so much regret and so much promise.

“You knew?” I stammered.

“I’m a little more observant than you might think,” he shrugged, showing a hint of a smirk.

“Then why didn’t you call me out on it? Why weren’t you mad that I was giving you a fake name?” I asked.

He stepped closer to me with his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall beside me. Musing to himself, his eyes danced around the room in tune with his memories.

“Maybe you were attracted to me because of something I hadn’t done yet. And maybe Apoxy wasn’t who you were, but who you would become.”

My cheeks felt hot from the embarrassment and I shook my head, grinning just a bit.

“You’ve got an explanation for everything,” I sighed.

He moved from his spot against the wall and took his hands from his pockets, allowing me to throw my arms around his neck if I stood on my tiptoes. I squeezed him as hard as I could and inhaled his wonderful scent deeply. There was nothing left now but to see how it all plays out. Feeling the side of his head brushing against mine, I whispered into his ear.

“We’re going to stop you,” I promised.

“That’s why I can’t,” he whispered into mine.

*

In the days leading up to September 15th, all of us were constantly on edge. Nathan was withdrawn, Cammie was a nervous wreck, and I couldn’t keep my heart out of my stomach. When we reached September the 14th, Cammie and I had come up with the best plan we could, but neither one of us could voice our deepest fears that it wouldn’t be good enough.

The one thing we worried about that would instantly dash all of our plans was if Nathan did something completely unpredictable, like not come home that night. We begged him to promise that he’d return after work, but he shrugged it off like it was a foregone conclusion. Cammie was already taking today and tomorrow off from school, and that left us today to go over our plans before we put them into action.

There were a variety of things we were planning to do to shut the factory down before it even got close to the overtime shift. From making accusations to the authorities to actually going there to start a fire, many of our possible ideas would probably land us in trouble, but it was much better to have to go through that than the alternative.

On the day before the accident, it turned out Nathan had some business to take care of as well. He hadn’t said a word for almost the entire workday, preferring instead to stare at the monstrous cement silo that would be his end or shoot subtle glances at the coworkers whose lives he would supposedly save.

Everyone around him was completely oblivious about what would happen, and Nathan marveled at that. No one knew the mortal danger they were about to face. Their lives needlessly hung in the balance of something they had no part in and couldn’t fathom. Of course, he couldn’t tell anyone because then the company would probably find a way not to pay Cammie his insurance. Well, he couldn’t tell anyone he didn’t trust.

Right before the day ended, Nathan got a chance to head over to the dock to catch up with Willy. He appeared exhausted and stressed himself, but he fought through it with his usual pluck.

“What’s up, Willy?” Nathan asked, trying to sound casual as another worker walked by.

“Just trying to make it,” Willy sighed. Nathan continued over toward the back of a truck and gestured for Willy to follow.

“I need to talk to you about something,” Nathan whispered, desperation creeping into his voice. They were in the shadows of the back of the truck, stacks of cement mix concealing them, but a ray of light illuminated his ardent eyes.

“Yeah?” Willy cringed, bewildered.

“Whatever you do, don’t come to work tomorrow,” Nathan urged darkly. Willy’s eyes narrowed, and he immediately became suspicious.

“What’s going to happen tomorrow?” he wondered.

“You’ve got to trust me,” Nathan begged, putting his hand on his friend’s arm. “Take a sick day, a vacation day, anything. Just don’t come here tomorrow.”

“If there’s something going on, you can tell me,” Willy offered, but Nathan shook his head.

“I can’t talk about it, and neither can you. You have to believe me. Can you promise me you won’t come?”

“Alright, I promise,” Willy agreed, and they shared a slight nod before Nathan emerged from the truck and descended from the dock.

Nathan came home as soon as his shift ended, and Cammie and I were relieved to see him. We’d told Gladys to cook lasagna, his favorite dish, for dinner, though we didn’t tell her why. It hurt a little bit when she asked us why we were all so wired lately, but to be honest I envied her obliviousness and couldn’t take it from her.

We all enjoyed the lasagna, though the room had the atmosphere of a prisoner being given his last meal. The only difference was that we were all chained to this fate, and we would see it come to pass soon.

The evening wore on, and Cammie and I waited for Nathan to announce that it was time for him to go to bed. We both gave him a big hug and watched him climb the stairs. We retired too, though neither of us expected to get any sleep. September 15th, the day of Nathan’s reckoning, was upon us.

Chapter 11

Cammie and I were blocking the door the next morning when it came time for Nathan to leave for work. Shoulder to shoulder, our backs pressed up against the wood, we watched him lumber closer with steadfast determination. He reached beside us to grab his jacket, slipped on his boots, and then finally turned to face us.

“You’ve got to let me go!” he demanded, but there wasn’t a trace of ill feeling in his voice. He appeared resolved to his fate. His eyes were red and he hadn’t shaved, leaving some stubble on his chin. Nathan looked like he was heading off to battle, and any fear within him was overshadowed by quiet, resilient courage.

“Not on your life!” I refused. Somehow Cammie and I felt like we were the ones at death’s door. As tough as we made our faces, the butterflies in my stomach made it hard for me to breath. Cammie shook a little and kept her hands at her sides. Her eyes were already watered over.

Nathan grimaced at our obstruction, scratched his thick brown hair, and looked around. He could run for the front door, he could even push us out of the way if he really wanted, but another look from him let us know that he was above those options.

“We can talk about this one more time,” he conceded. “I’ll make some hot chocolate or something and if you can convince me not to go, I won’t.”

“Sure,” Cammie readily agreed. She was anxious for anything that would keep him here, and this was a great chance to stall him. Even making him late for work might result in something wonderful like getting him fired.

We stuck to the door even after he’d pulled down the hot chocolate mix. He took some of the hot water for Gladys’s tea, knowing that she wouldn’t be up for a while yet. We had to stop him for her too, saving her from the horrible shock of losing her grandson just a year after losing her daughter.

He turned with three mugs in his hand, little wisps of steam emanating from the delicious-looking brown liquid. We followed him into the living room and sat down next to each other on the couch. I wished I could’ve done more to console Cammie, who seemed broken into a thousand pieces. Nathan pulled up a chair across from the coffee table, sat down, and stared at us intently.

“If this is about me getting into college,” Cammie wept, “we can find another way. There are scholarships, state aid, loans. We’ll be able to make it work!”

Shrugging off the argument, Nathan took a sip from his mug of hot chocolate, and we did the same. I hoped the sugar would help me feel more awake.

“We can’t count on any of that, Cammie. We’re already over the edge in terms of our finances. I couldn’t stop us from getting behind on our mortgage payments, but I can do this to get us out.”

There was no way to convince him. For this one simple decision, his mind had been made up from the moment he was born. We couldn’t do anything about that, but we were buying time. My heart ached to have him so close but so emotionally far away. I wanted him to look at me like he had when we were in the Ferric wheel, like I was a dream come true.

“But Apoxy will be able to get a job soon, once she gets a green card or whatever. That’ll make a huge difference!” Cammie kept arguing, but Nathan seemed more unreachable each moment.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Once people don’t think I’m an illegal alien, I’ll be able to get a job!” My emotions were bubbling over, making it hard to get the words out. Cammie and I kept sipping the hot chocolate. I waited for it to wake me up, but instead I seemed to be getting sleepier.

“That will help,” Nathan agreed, turning to me with something solemn in his eyes. He was starting to tear up, and he pursed his lips to fight it back. “You’ve got to remember to find a way to get to school too. That’s important.”

I was having trouble keeping my eyes open, and I turned to Cammie and saw she was in a daze. Something wasn’t right here. I shouldn’t be this tired. I almost couldn’t move a muscle. All of a sudden it hit me, and I glanced down at the hot chocolate.

“Oh, no! Nathan!” I cried, but it was barely above the squeak of a mouse. I was fighting to keep my eyes open and failing.

“Grandma’s sleeping pills…” Cammie mumbled, referring to the pills that were practically horse tranquilizers. Her slight body looked like it would be out cold in a minute. Nathan’s lip was quivering. He hated what was happening to us, but he had to see that it was working.

“I’m sorry, Cammie,” he said, full of regret. “I hope you’ll forgive me one day when things are better for you. I love you, always, and I know you’re going to do something incredible with your life. I’m just sorry I won’t be around to see it.”

Cammie could barely open her mouth to utter a protest. The pills were too strong, and every time her eyes closed they promised to stay that way. Nathan turned to speak to me, lowering his vision, begging for my forgiveness without ever saying it.

“Apoxy, you may think you didn’t make my life better this past year, but you did. It was more spectacular than anything I could’ve imagined, and it was all because of you. I used to love life like you did, but then life became way more than I could handle. It chewed me out, but even so I wish I could face it with you. I don’t know what you were getting at back when we were at my school, but I love you, and you should always remember that.”

It took all the strength I had to fight to hear his words. I was astonished that he felt that way about me, and he deserved anything but the response I was forced to give him. Even though we’d be seeing him for the last time, unconsciousness took over, and Cammie and I were lulled into a black, dreamless sleep.

*

When my eyelids fluttered open, I found myself wrapped around Cammie on the couch. I was groggy and confused, but the threat of losing Nathan still rung alarms in my heart. My squirming managed to awaken Cammie as well.

“Nathan…” she whimpered, reaching out to him from that place between sleep and awake. Twisting my neck, I spotted a clock on the wall and gawked at the time.

“It’s after four o’clock!” I called, practically shouting in Cammie’s ear. She gasped, and together we scrambled to get up. The pills had knocked us out for eight hours, and now we were looking Nathan’s final moments square in the eye.

“We have to go! We can still make it!” Cammie desperately hoped. We didn’t have a moment to lose. Seemingly stuck together, Cammie and I crashed into the door, threw on our shoes, and dashed outside still in our pajamas.

Tumbling down the steps, we peeked into the driveway for Nathan’s truck, but it wasn’t there. We’d sabotaged it, but he must’ve managed to put the spark plugs back. So many of our carefully designed plans had gone to waste. Now there was only one course of action remaining, to go into the collapsing cement factory and drag him out.

Though Nathan’s car was gone, his mom’s old Volvo was still in the driveway. It was covered in dust from a year of neglect. All of a sudden, Cammie threw me the keys.

“You’ve got to get us there as quick as you can!” she shouted.

“But I don’t know how to drive!” I countered.

Cammie froze, clenching her fists. In a flash, she turned away from the passenger door and grabbed the keys from my hand.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she said, opening the driver’s door. “I don’t even have my license yet!”

Once we got in, she quickly turned the key to start the engine. There were strange, awful-sounding noises, and Cammie slammed the butt of her fist against the steering wheel, but the car finally came to life.

“So illegal, so illegal,” she just kept mumbling to herself as she backed out of the drive. The sound of a blaring car horn came from the street as someone swerved around us. Shaken, Cammie put her hand to her heart, but she couldn’t stop. Finally we made it into traffic, and Cammie released a stilted, nervous breath as she put her foot on the gas pedal.

“Come on, let’s go!” she shouted at every stoplight or slow-moving vehicle that got in our way. Time was running short, and we’d need a lot of it to make it all the way to the cement factory.

“All we’ve got left is the Omega plan,” Cammie reminded me, and I nodded, knowing full well what she meant. We were supposed to run into the plant and jam down the forklift’s gas pedal so it would hold the scaffolding without Nathan, hopefully giving us enough time to escape before the silo collapsed and spilled an ocean of cement. There was no telling if we’d make it in time.

Cammie swerved through traffic, recklessly passing cars any way she could. We watched a red light pass over us, but there was no guarantee running it would make a difference. When I wasn’t gripping the seat and door handle, fearing we’d crash, I turned my eyes to Cammie and saw the shiny streak running down her right cheek. Nothing else mattered to her, and I had to say I felt the same way.

“We’ll get him back. I promise,” I said, hoping it would comfort her. She nodded but didn’t say anything.

Most people hit the brakes when they enter a parking lot, but Cammie didn’t. The tires skidded across the pavement as Cammie approached the cement factory. We could already see the huge crane carrying a massive iron slab to the unfinished roof of the structure. The cement silo still stood in the middle of the building, but it would not do so for long.

The rows of parked cars whizzed by, and a few people dove out of the way when we passed. I doubt Cammie would’ve stopped at all if it weren’t for a huge metal bar blocking the access road that led to the factory. She slammed on the brakes, and the car screeched to a halt.

Cammie grabbed the crow bar we would need to rig the forklift before we jumped out of the vehicle, its engine still running. We raced past the front of the vehicle together, but when we met, I put my hand out to stop her.

“You have to stay here!” I urged, catching her flaring eyes in mine. “I’m not supposed to be here anyway, so if something happens to me, that’s fine. But in case it doesn’t go well, you might as well be around to make sure he didn’t die for nothing. I’ll come back with Nathan or not at all!”

Cammie gave me a hard look, her mind grinding against the edge of something very sharp.

“I trust you to save him for me,” she said, handing over the crow bar. I took it and ran, not wanting to lose a moment. Cammie shouted after me. “Remember that the trajectory of the fall means your best chance of survival is through the east exit!”

Her screaming words echoed in my ear. I was running as fast as I could for the factory, which was just a few hundred meters away. The crane operator was closer, and looking up I spotted him fumble his soda bottle. He jerked to catch it as the bottle’s contents spilled everywhere. Struggling to catch the bottle left him flopped onto the control panel.

The earth shook when the iron slab slammed into the roof’s bare rafter. The awful scrape blew out my eardrums, and I jerked my head in time to see the first cable snap. The slab would slip away, striking the silo and threaten to cause the death of everyone within the factory.

My attention should’ve been on my feet though. The shaking ground felt like an earthquake, and I lost my balance and fell forward onto the gravel. On the ground, I heard the wave of screams from within the factory. An alarm went off and lights were flashing.

I couldn’t stop though, and so I fought through the pain of the fall and rushed for the entrance. My feet pushed me closer and closer, pumping my legs as hard as I could. People started to emerge from the factory doors. They were running for their lives in my direction, but I didn’t even bother to look. Nathan wasn’t among them.

One person must’ve recognized the deathly look on my face, because he stepped in my path and motioned to stop me. I ran right around him and approached the door, fighting to get in as people poured out.

Slipping in through the crowd, I found open space just to the side. Taking a frantic breath, I immediately started searching for Nathan, but my eyes were drawn uncontrollably to the tipping cylinder suspended in the air, looming above me. It was spraying globs of cement in all directions. Sounds of creaking, scraping metal echoed everywhere, and the massive iron slab had already flattened pieces of machinery from its fall on the other side.

“Nathan!” I screamed until my lungs were hoarse.

Just then a forklift emerged from around the corner. Its wheels were spinning as fast as they could. The man operating it wore a hard hat, and thick strands of brown hair poked through the bottom. As I knew it would be, it was Nathan.

He had his hands wrapped around the steering wheel. He gritted his teeth and strained every muscle in his body. Jerking the wheel, he turned for the scaffolding feebly trying to support the monstrous, towering silo.

I ran forward, shouting like a maniac above all the noise. I felt like my body was falling apart, but I pushed it onward. Nathan was the only thing that mattered to me, and I wouldn’t hesitate to trade places with him if it meant he would live. I knew more intimately than anything else that I could not live without him.

I shouted again and knew he could hear me when he shut his eyes hard. It hurt him for me to be there, but it would hurt much more if I weren’t. As if afraid to do so, he peeked over his shoulder to check if his ears had only taunted him with the sound of my voice. But I was sprinting at him, undaunted.

“Apoxy, no!” he hollered as I barreled closer. There was no turning back now.

I practically collided with the slowing forklift, grabbing him by the arm and struggling to pull him out. He was much too heavy for me to really move though. The massive container was tipping over us, threatening to fall at any moment.

“You can’t be here! I have to do this!” I could barely hear him even though he was just inches away. He had to understand that I wasn’t going to leave him.

“You’ve made your choice, now I’m making mine. I love you, and I’ll stand with you at the end.”

My eyes connected with his, and something passed between us in that instant. It was enrapturing and indisputable, a glimpse of what we were like together hidden in blue and brown irises.

Nathan grabbed the crow bar, knowing its obvious purpose, and jammed it against the gas pedal while he held down the brake. All of a sudden he was beside me, hopping off of the forklift and letting it jump forward. My feet left the ground. He was carrying me away.

My presence had changed this situation somehow. I had connected with his selfless nature, and he sacrificed his sacrifice because he couldn’t let harm befall me. I had given him another choice, to let us both die or take a chance at escape. If his sister meant enough to make him choose death, it struck me powerfully in the center of the chest that I meant enough to make him choose life.

Over his shoulder, I watched the forklift crash into the scaffolding, its wheels continuing to push. The silo’s tipping slowed but did not stop. Bending metal bars and more harsh scrapes presaged the falling of the silo. We were in its shadow, fighting to get free of it.

“Nathan!” I yelled, both as a warning of the impending fall and as a signal to put me down so I could run. The metal groaned as the silo continued to capsize, but I turned away from it so I could run for the east exit.

We thrashed our arms and legs for the approaching doors, but an eerie quiet struck our ears. The silo was in a second of freefall before crashing through the corner of the north and east wall beside us. As we blew through the doors, the devastating crash shook us, and the walls were suddenly ripped to shreds. The falling silo spewed wreckage everywhere.

Even though we’d made it outside onto the gravel, we were still in danger as the factory collapsed. The silo had made it to the ground, and now liquid cement oozed like lava through doors and holes.

A huge puff of smoke accompanied the sensation of shaking ground. The walls of the factory were collapsing behind us, threatening to pull us under. Nathan put his hand on my back to help me forward, and together we cleared patches of gravel, dirt, and grass as we sprinted due east.

The noise stopped and we dared to glimpse over our shoulders at what we’d left behind. Through the dust, heaps of metal were strewn about beside the remaining sections of the factory. The building looked like a sand castle that some kid had repeatedly stomped on. I was relieved we’d escaped, but I also knew that because we did there was another Apoxy and Nathan who had died in another universe. Somehow we were the lucky ones.

I was gasping for breath as my legs flagged and my run slowed to a stop. Nathan had saved me, and in so doing saved himself. I was bursting with joy, but a sudden chord of terror struck in my heart. How did he feel about all this? Would he be angry?

His hard hat smacked against the gravel, and I gazed at his face as though death were still awaiting me. His stony snarl scared me.

“Nathan…” I pleaded, wanting to go to him.

“Another one of your disasters?” he grumbled, but I could see the light cracking through his faux gruffness. Soon he wore a smile brighter than the rising sun, and I was so thrilled that I jumped right on him and wrapped my legs around his waist.

“Oh, this’ll be the greatest disaster ever! Just you wait and see!”

I was raining kisses all over his face, from his forehead down over his eyes, temples, cheeks, and mouth, just so happy and astonished that we’d somehow made it. His arms held me close, supporting my bottom and back, and he returned my kisses, twirling me around and beaming.

There were sirens in the background, but we just kept holding each other. Most everyone else had exited through the north entrance and so we were practically alone on the east side of the factory. Someone had noticed our getaway though.

Cammie bowled into us so hard that it knocked us onto the grass. In the midst of such a huge accident, no one was paying any attention to her. Cammie’s eyes were so wide I thought they’d pop out of her head. She was happy, yes, but mystified too, and still full of disbelief.

“I can’t believe you got him out!” she said to me. “I thought…I thought I’d lost you both.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she likes you,” Nathan mused to me, and Cammie immediately turned a light shade of scarlet.

“She’s alright,” Cammie quibbled. “I mean, if you’ve got to end up with somebody.”

“That’s sweet, Cammie, but actually he’s the one who saved me,” I corrected her, and she shot a confused glance at her brother.

“I’m not going to let anything hurt the two of you. Not while I’m around,” he confirmed, giving us both a big hug.

We didn’t move from that spot on the grass for quite a while. The dust settled, fire trucks sprayed their hoses at small fires that had broken out in the factory, and the workers who escaped started to grapple with what happened. I could tell Nathan began to grapple too. It was clear when the euphoria of our near-death experience faded in favor of the stacks of bills and the debt that awaited him.

He closed his mouth and looked at us, possibly regretting the chance he missed.

“Now we’ll see if you two were right after all. You said we can’t be sure what’ll happen from here on out, but I sure hope something happens quick.”

Cammie had a furtive grin on her face, and she rolled over to glance at the parking lot, where news trucks with big satellite dishes started to arrive.

“I have a feeling another big opportunity is right around the corner,” she said, her scheming mind still hard at work.

Chapter 12

As it turned out, Nathan was a hero, but I could’ve told you that from the start. He had saved most of the factory workers, not to mention me, and lived to tell the tale. It was funny though because after it was over, Cammie seemed to be the one who did most of the talking.

The three of us and Gladys all sat down that night back at their house to watch Cammie’s interview on the 11 o’clock news. Intermixed with accounts from his coworkers that he’d tried to protect them from the impending destruction himself, Cammie told the world all about the long hours he put in doing dirty jobs just so they could make ends meet.

It was the kind of story Nathan could’ve never told because it would seem self-serving, but Cammie played the part of his innocent little sister to perfection. Other tidbits about Nathan came to light, about how he’d taken over responsibility for his family after his mother had died. The story ran in all the papers, and the public had only one reaction. Why was it so difficult for a hard-working young man to make a living?

The cement company started to feel the heat, and so they gave Nathan fifty-thousand dollars for his service. It sure wasn’t the million dollars, and Vince held onto that check real hard until he finally let it go, but coupled with a promotion and a raise it would be enough to make a huge difference for the Wheelers.

They were able to get well ahead of their mortgage payments, catch up on other bills, and get some of the things they needed, like a graphing calculator for Cammie. At work, Nathan was no longer the outcast. Most of the employees were involved in the clean up, and Nathan enjoyed a level of camaraderie he’d never known. Long gone were the days when they called him “butterfingers.” Now he was welcome into their circle at lunch. Willy was usually at his side, and he never said a word about Nathan’s warning, though you can be sure he was grateful for it.

The new promotion helped Nathan as well, affording him some more responsibility, but he had his sights set even higher. He started checking out colleges in the area, thinking about night school and that day when he’d take the job he wanted instead of the job he had to have. Nathan was determined, and we all believed it would happen for him someday soon.

Things changed a lot for me too, and not just because Nathan and I were deliriously happy together. I would’ve never really called it a relationship before, but after the accident we spent every free moment we could together. I could look into his eyes and know that he was with me, feel it in his touch, sense it in the press of his lips. Still, there was still one thing that ate away at our expectation that he would live a long life.

One day sometime later, I was at work. Yes, I got a job, and I was even taking night classes too, but I never would have been able to do anything if it weren’t for Cammie. Somehow she managed to get me a green card, and I thought it was so funny because it matched the green shirt with the cows on it that I wore when I was working at Ben & Jerry’s. Serving ice cream might sound like a big step down for someone who used to have a hand in the unfolding of the universe, but I was alive now and I learned being alive meant coping with completely unexpected changes and doing the best you can. Plus I got free samples!

But anyway, I was at work one day when a handsome young man entered the store. His bed-headed brown hair and chiseled exterior immediately caught my attention, and so I didn’t mind admiring him while he carefully perused the menu behind me. He squinted, carefully considering his options.

“Can I have a cone with two scoops of beautiful?” Nathan grinned.

“Yes, you can,” I said, and I leaned over the counter to give him two quick kisses.

Fortunately there was no one else in line, because he hesitated for a moment, scratching his neck. Taking a deep breath, he reached into his pocket and removed a small white envelope. He set it on the counter, and we both just stared at it.

“Is that what I think it is?” I asked, my voice warbling.

“I took the test, but I’m still not sure I want to know if I have it,” he confessed solemnly. And in a family like his, there was only one “it” you could have, Huntington’s disease. This little piece of paper would have just as much impact on the course of his life as that day at the factory. Because his life had never made it this far, I’d never known whether or not he had it. I felt my chest collapse with the worry of what this would mean for his happiness.

“Are you gonna open it?” I stammered.

“Should I?” Nathan wondered aloud.

Breathing deeply, Nathan took the envelope into his hand. It had some letters printed on it of his address and that of the doctor’s office. Slipping his finger under the seal, he hesitated before he tore it open and gave me a look.

“I can’t do it,” he said, shaken.

He’d come to pick me up for the end of my shift, and so I came around the counter and gave him a big hug.

“It’s ok,” I said, trying to comfort him. “You don’t have to open it.”

While he pushed the envelope back in his pocket, I stood next to him wishing I knew of a better way to comfort him. What if it turned out he did have Huntington’s disease? An incurable disease, certain death after a long, agonizing decline, what could I possibly do to help him with these things?

Having the envelope but not opening it seemed to wreak havoc with his nerves. We left the shop and climbed into his truck, and he set the envelope on the seat next to him. Nathan and I didn’t often have quiet drives, but I just couldn’t think of anything else to say.

I ran my hand through the back of his hair. I wanted to get closer to him, but that envelope on the seat between us prevented me.

When we returned home, Nathan set it on the kitchen table. Cammie and Gladys both couldn’t restrain themselves from taking a long, lingering look at it. In addition to Miriam, Huntington’s disease had taken Gladys’s husband, Cammie’s grandfather too. Huge chunks of the Wheeler family were missing because of this disease.

“I haven’t opened it yet,” Nathan confirmed, filling an uncomfortable silence. “And I’m not sure I’m going to.”

“No matter what, we’re here for you,” Gladys said, and Cammie and I readily agreed.

“I know just the thing that’ll take our minds off of this,” Cammie offered, leaving the kitchen and heading for the cabinet in the living room. Digging through the boxes, she pulled out Monopoly and started to set it up on the coffee table.

“You just can’t get enough of this game, can you?” Nathan chuckled. I was thrilled he wasn’t too subdued to smile because of the pressure of getting his test results.

“Don’t say it’s because I always win, because I don’t!” Cammie clarified.

Gladys scooted over a chair and sat down. She casually reached for the container of bills.

“I guess I’ll be the banker, if nobody wants to,” she offered, but Cammie caught the container before she could take it.

“I don’t think so, Grandma. We all know how you like to “get confused” about what money is yours,” Cammie accused, making quotation gestures.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Gladys moaned, deeply offended yet wisely releasing the bills.

“Exactly,” I added, and everyone laughed.

We settled down to play, knowing the game would probably take years to get through. It was already so late, but we didn’t care.

“Alright, roll to see who goes first,” Nathan said, and we took turns tossing the dice across the board. As it happened, I rolled the highest, and so I took the dice in my hand and prepared to take my first turn. Nathan was right next to me, his arm over my shoulder, but I could tell every time he glanced back at the kitchen table and the envelope on it.

We began to play, buying properties and handing over money when necessary, but Nathan was continuously distracted. He always had to be reminded it was his turn because he was staring off into space. He tapped his foot and wrung his hands. For a second, I thought he was even sweating.

“It’s your turn, and don’t be afraid to roll a three,” Cammie advised, bringing him back to the present.

“Ok,” he said, but instead of taking the dice he got up and went for the kitchen table. We all immediately followed him, watching carefully as he snatched the envelope and slipped his finger under the seal.

“You really don’t have to,” Gladys reminded him.

“I have to know,” Nathan said.

My heart was beating out of my chest, and I felt like I’d remember the sound of him tearing open that envelope forever. Nathan removed the sheet of paper, unfolded it, and scanned it just inches away from his face.

“Well?” I asked, my blood gone cold.

“I have Huntington’s disease.”

The End

Look for the exciting sequel in The Inevitable Trilogy, Impossible

***About the Author***

Jason Letts is an author and editor of young-adult and paranormal fiction. In addition to Inevitable, the books of his young-adult fantasy series, Powerless, are available now. In addition to writing, Jason cultivates diverse interests such as playing tennis, cooking ethnic food, and napping. You can contact Jason via email at infinitejuly@gmail.com or find out about him and his books at www.powerlessbooks.com.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12