Glass
Ellen Hopkins
  
Glass is dedicated to Orion, Jade, Heaven, and Clyde, whose lives, through no fault of their own, have been forever marked by the monster.I would also like to acknowledge my husband, John, whose love has kept me upright.

Walking with the Monster Life was radical right after I met the monster.Later, lifebecameharder, complicated.Ultimately, a livinghell, like swimming against a riptide,Walking the wrongdirection in the fast lane of the freeway, waking from sweetest dreams to find yourself in the middle of a nightmare.2You Know My StoryDon't you? All about my dive into the lairof the monster drug some people call crank. Crystal. Tina. Ice. How a summer visit to my dad sent me into the arms of a boy--a hot-bodied hunk, my very first love, who led me down the path to insanity.How I came homeno longerKristina Georgia Snow, gifted high school junior, total dweeb, and perfectdaughter, but instead a stranger who called herseif Bree.3How, no matter how hardKristinafought her, Bree was stronger, brighter, better equipped to deal with a world where everything moved at light speed, everyone mired in ego. Where "everyday"becameanother word for making love with the monster.4It Wasn't a Long ProcessI went to my dad's in June, met Adam the very first day. It took some time to pry him from his girlfriend's grasp. But within two weeks, he introduced me to the monster. One time was all it took to want more. It's a roller-coaster ride. Catch the downhill thrill, you want to ride again, enough to endure the long, hard climb back up again. In days, I was hooked on Adam, tobacco, and meth, in no particular order. But all summer vacations must end. I had to come home to Reno. And all my new bad habits came with me. It was a hella speed bump, oh yeah. Until I hurt for it, I believed I could leavethe crystal behind. But the crash-and-burn was more than I could take. When the jet landed, I was still buzzed from a good-bye binge.5My family crowded round me at the airport, discussing summer plans and celebration dinners, and all I wanted to do was skip off for another snort. Mom kept trying to feed me. My stepfather, Scott, kept trying to ask questions about my visit with Dad. My big sister, Leigh, wanted to talk about her new girlfriend, and my little brother, Jake, kept going on about soccer. It didn't take long to figure out I was in serious trouble.6Not the Kind of TroubleYou might think I'mtalking about. I was prettysure I could get away with B.S.ing Mom and Scott.I'd always been such a good girl, they wouldn't make the jump to "bad" too quickly.Especially not if I stayed cool.I wasn't worried about getting busted at school or on the street. I'd only just begun my walk with the monster.I still had meat on my bones, the teeth still looked good.I didn't stutter yet. My mouth could still keep up with my brain.No, the main thing I worried about was how I could scorethere, at home. I'd never even experimented with pot, let alone7meth. Where could I go?Who could I trust with my money, my secrets? I couldn't ask Leigh. She was the prettiestlesbian you've ever seen. But to my knowledge she hadnever used anything stronger than a hearty glass of wine.Not Sarah, my best friend since fourth grade, or any of my old crowd, all of whom lived by the code of the D.A.R.E. pledge.I really didn't need to worry, of course. All I had to do was leave things up to Bree, the goddess of persuasion.8Before I Continue I just want to remind you that turning into Bree was a conscious decision on my pari I never reallyliked Kristina that much. Oh, somethings about her were pretty cool--how she was loyal to her family and friends. How she loved easily. How she was good at any and all things artistic. But she was such a brain, with no sense of fashion or any idea how to have tun.So when fun presenteditself, I decided someone9new would have to take charge. That someone was Bree.I chose her name (not sure where I got it), chose when to become her.What I didn't expect was discovering she had always been there, inside of me.How could Kristina and Bree live inside of one person?How could two such different halves make up the whole of me?How could Bree have possibly survived, stuck in Kristina's daily existence?10The Funny Thing WasBree solved the meth dilemma on a family trip to Wild Waters, Scott's annual company picnic. Sarah came along to spend time with Kristina. But Breehad other things The first was a truly gorgeouslifeguard. Turned outBrendan wasn't so pretty on the inside, but even Bree, who thrived on intuition, was clueless. Hard on the make, Brendan shared booze, cigarettes.But one guy wasn't quite enough. I also ran into Chase Wagner that day. His outside wasn't as attractive, but inside he was fine. Of course,I didn't know that yet I found outsoon enough thatboth Chase and Brendanknew the score--and both were interested in me. Brendanonly wanted sex; Chase offered love.Either way, I had my path to the monster.11Later, I discovered that Robyn, my old friend Trent's sister (not to mention an "in" cheerleader), tweaked to stay thin and "pep up." She taught me how to smoke it. It didn't take long to immerse myself in the lifestyle. Didn't take long tor school to go to shit; for friendships and dedication to family to falter. Didn't take long to become a slave to the monster.12My Mom and StepfatherTried to stop me betöre it all went completely wrong. Kristina spent almost a whole year GUFN--grounded until further notice.But Bree was really good at prying open windows at night, lying with a straight face, denying she had slipped so far downhill.Nothing slowed me down. Not losing my virginity to Brendan's rape. Not spending a few days in juvenile hall.The only thing that kept me sane was Chase's love, despite all I put him through. He even swore to love me when I told him I was pregnant.13Pregnant. And Brendan was the father. Bree considered abortion. Exorcism. Kristina understood the baby was not the demon. His father was.But you know this part of the story. You followed me on my journey through the monster's territory. We wound up here.Who am I now, three months after I left you, Standing on the deck with me, listening to my new baby, crying inside?I told you then, the monster is a way of life, one it's difficult to leave behind, no matter how hard you try. I have tried, really I have.14Maybe if Chase had stayed with me, instead of running off to California, in search of his dreams. Then again, I told him to go.Maybe if I had dreams of my own to run off in search of. I did once. But now I have no plans for a perfect tomorrow.All I have is today.15T for TodayI'd really like to tell you I have a nice little place with a white picket fence, flowers in the garden, and Winnie-the-Pooh, Eeyore, and Tigger, too, on baby blue nursery walls. I'd like to inform you that I am on a fast track to a College degree and a career in Computer animation--something I've aimed for, ever since I found out I coulddraw. I'd love to letyou know I left the monster screaming in my dust, shut myears, scrambled back to my family, back to my baby, my heart. Icould tell you thosethings, but they'd belies--nothing new for me, true. But if all Iwrote was lies, youwouldn't really knowmy story. I want you to know. Not a daypasses when I don'tthink about gettinghigh. Strung. Gettingout of this deep well of monotony I'mslowly drowning in.16I Was a JuniorWhen I had Hunter, a semester away from early graduation and a hell of a lot farther than that away from independence.To find freedom that even the magic number eighteen can't buy, I need a Job. To get that, I need a diploma, or at least a GED.I have no choice but to live at home, underthe prying eyes of my mom and Scott.17I'll help watch the baby until you finish school, is Mom's deal. Ifyou go on toCollege, the two of you can stay as long as you like.It's a pretty good arrangement, mostly because I know jack about babies. Mom's expertisecomes in handy, especially in the middle of the night.More than once, she has shaken me awake. Hunter's crying. I'II change him. You feed him.18Who knew babies could be so obnoxious, wanting to eat at all hours, that is? Most of the time, my nipples feel like puppychew toys.Breast-feeding isn't easy. But you want to give him a good statt.A good, healthy start. I know that, of course, and figure I owe him at least that much.Still, I wake up every morning exhausted, wonderinghow I can make it through the day, let alone how I'llmanage to study for my GED.19I try to avoid mirrors. I gained forty pounds with my pregnancy, and Hunter onlyweighed in at seven pounds, eleven ounces. Minus placenta, water, etcetera, that leaves about twenty pounds of belly flab, jelly thighs, and chipmunk cheeks I need to lose before feeling positive about how I look again.And until I dothat, I knowI'll never find someone new to love.20So Maybe It Will ComeAs no surprise to you that lately I have been hearing the plea of the monster, distant at first but creeping closer.Louder. Come back to me, Kristina. Hurry back, Bree.I closed my ears for a long while, pleaded with itto pleaseshut up, please go away, please leave me alone.21But I'm startingto come around. Maybe a short(and I mean no long-term commitments!) stroll with the monster might slim me down, rev me up and offer the impetus to slip into my future, better equipped to deal with the mindless tedium that is my life.22I. KnowI should resist.Turnaway.Walkaway.Runaway.faraway. so far the monster willneverfind me, neversniffme out, neverdaretouchme, neverpretend to hearmy meager complaints,23neverget even the slightesttaste of the fear in my heart, neverforce me to seewhat I'm afraid to see.24But SuddenlyWithout a doubtI linderstand the monster and I are more than friends.We're blood brothers.Or maybe blood sisters.(Is there such a thing? And does that mean I should include Bree?)That is a forever kind ofthing.Forever.25All I need to do is find a way for the two of us[no, most definitely that's three of us, including me, Bree] to hook up again.26You Have to SemeniberIt has been months since I've been out looking to score.Chase is gone, Brendan person non grata, my Mexican Mafiaconnectathingof the past. Onlyone person comes to mind, and Robyn just might be hard to find, away at College in California. And even if I can locate my oldpartypal, how will I ever make it overthe mountain to the Golden State? I used to have plenty of friends,27friends who could give me rides. No more, and my own wheels are in for a major overhaul. I can't borrow Mom's carto hunt down whiff.Canl?28I Call TrentRobyn's brother is an old friend. In fact, that's how I know Robyn. Trent's great, even it he is totally straight.Meaning he doesn't get high. Because when it comes to sex, he's 100 hundred percent gay. And I'm fine with things that way.Mrs. Rosselli answers on the third ring. Hello!'Oh, it's you. Her voice is like a hail storm--hard, staccato, frigid."Hello, Mrs. Rosselli. Is Trent there? No? Well, doyou knowwhen hell get home, then?"Long pause. Then, I'm not really sure. Can I helpyou with anything else?Something's up with her.29I'm not really looking for Trent, anyway. "Yes. Can you tell me how to get hold of Robyn?"Longer pause. Uh,youknow, she was moving out of the dorm, into an apartment. I'm not sure...Things are growing clearer. "Is there a problem, Mrs. Rosselli? I just want to catch up with old friends."The longest pause of all. You're not their friend, Kristina. You're nothing but trouble they don't need.30StungBut not really smarting, I could tell her that both of her children need all the friendsthey can get--trouble or not. One is eighteen and gay, in a city where homosexuality is almost as dirty a word as "Democrat." The other will be lucky to finish her freshman year in College--too much timebuying affection with an omnipresent speed stash. But saying that won't suit either of us at the moment.Tm not sure what you mean, Mrs. Rosselli. I've made some mistakes, yes. But I'm working hard to straighten myself out.31Having friends in my Iife--good friends, on the right track themselves--is one thing I desperately need.I apologize if I've ever done anything to offend you, or to hurt Robyn or Trent. I don't believe Ihave, but if you think so, please let me make it up to you." Oh yeah, I'm back in the game, and damn does it feel great!32Not Only ThatBut it works.I'm sorry, Kristina.I shouldn't be so judgmental."That's okay, Mrs. Rosselli. I uriderstand your feelings."Trent works for a lawyer after school. He usually gets home around six."A lawyer? Wonderful! I know he wanted to go to law school____"Robyn's at UOP in Stockton. She still has her old cell number, 775..."Thank you so much. I'll call Trent later. Please tell him I was in touch."33I  will. And how's that baby? Growing like com, l'll wager.Growing like com? Whatever. "He's beautiful, thanks. Looks just like me."She chuckles. I bet he does. Take care, Kristina."You too, Mrs. Rosselli." I dick the phone dead, dial another number. "Hey, Robyn. It's Kristina.What's up?"34She Sounds Strung, like her brain is disconnected from her mouth. Don't get mewrong.I remember that feeling well--knowingexactly what you want to say, but yourlips can't quite manage the correctcombination of vowels and consonants to form the words.Could be a bad sign. Anyone that35incapable of cohesive language could very well be crashing--another way of sayingRobyn is definitely still using, but might be out atthe moment, a sentence worse than death for a regulär tweaker. How bad is my timing?36Let's Find Out K-Kristina?"C'mon, Robyn. It hasn't been that long."Oh, yeah, right. Kristina. Whatcha been up to?"Not much. Studying for my GED. Taking care of my baby."Sounds... like not a lot of fun."Which is exactly why I'm calling you."Oh, yeah, right.Well, I could maybe heip you out there."Very cool. I have to see if I can borrow a car. How about tomorrow?"That would probably work. I'm in class until four.37She can do classes, sounding like that? , "Okay. I'll work on the car and give you a buzz tomorrow."Oh, yeah, right. Uh, Kristina? Comealone, okay?Tweaker talk for This better not be a bust."Not a problem, Robyn. All I want is to get my head."Thinking about it, I'm startingto want that real bad.38But FirstI have to convince my mom to lend me her car, and to babysit Hunter--all on a Friday night. Party night, for almost every partier in America. Hell, it's the American Way, as I think almost everyone will agree. Get out of school or off work, put on clean clothes, and look for a way to escape reality--whether that's with alcohol, weed, or my all-time favorite: speed. Pot and beer mostly make metired. I only used to use them whenI was buzzed up real high,39didn't mind slowing down a little. But I haven't done any of that in way too long. Being good all the time isn't just hard. It's damn boring. There's more to life than babies and books, and I'm overdue to go out and find a little tun. First things first. I have to find a way to Stockton. All it will take, I hope, is the perfect little (okay, big) lie.40I'm Out of PracticeNot having had to manufacture a lie in quite a long time.I have to say, that isn't a bad place to be, where you don'thave to lie. Everything is just so much easier when you don'thave to remember what you told who, and when, and why.What is simply is. But notanymore, I guess. Now I have to not only come up with a reason to go, but also to remember exactlywhat it was, no matter how tweaked I might be when I get home.Tweaked! It takes a modicum of thinking, but within an hour or so,I invent a great (I think) excuse.41It's a Doozer "Mom, is there any way I could borrow your car? There's a College tair I want to check out tomorrow,over in Sacramento.It Starts around fourand should go untileight____" (I thinkthat will give meplenty of timetohook up with Robyn--even if she isn'texactly on time--score, toot a little,and start back.)I'd ask you to come along, but 1need you to watch Hunter. I can't really take him with me. If it makes you feel better, l'll invite Trent to ride along. He can Visit his sister."Collegefair?Don't you want meto go along withyou? You'veNever drivenThat Farby your-self. It'sathree-hour trip, youknow, not easy.42I Will Invite Him TooOf course, I know he has to work until five thirty.But at least if it comes up in conversation, I cantell Mom I asked, but he had other plans.I call about eight. "Hey, Trent. It's Kristina. Long time, notalk."I heard you're working for a lawyer. Hope he's really cute!"Trent hesitates, not at all sure why I'm striking up a conversation.He's not bad, actually. But that can't be why you called. What's up?43To the point, and why not? We haven't spoken since betöre I had Hunter."Actually, I'm driving over to Stockton tomorrow afternoon and wonderedif you'd like to ride along. I thought you might like to drop in on Robyn."Thanks for thinking of me, Kristina. ButI have to work and even ifl didn't, Iwouldn'tgo. Robyn is on a fast track to death."What do you mean?" Like I don't know exactly what he means.44If you don't know, you haven'tseen her lately. And if you haven'tseen her lately, I suggest you steerclear. Shelltake you down with her.Kristina, we haven'thung out together for a while, but you'vealways been a good friend to me. Let me offer you a good friend's advice.Stay away from Robyn. And ifyou see her coming, run the other way.45TonightSleep is impossible, anticipation swelling nd ebbing like some sort of crazy tide.Strangehow when I dose my eyes, try to concentrate on that little door between them that opens into dreamsI feel high already, locked in a battle between the need to dive into REM slumberand the desire to start the damn party already! I remember that awful tug-of-war well. So why Jump right back in, release46the monster to stalk my days, haunt my nights; to bite through my skull and suck on my brain?From a purely omniscient point of view, it makes no sense whatsoever. I have freed myself from physicaladdiction, no rehab but to endure sweating, puking, and cardiovascular jumping jacks. The mentalbonds, however, seem as strong as ever, and the piece of me that recognizes that knows I might bemaking a very big mistake.47Maybe That's WhyWhen Hunter makes his daily plea for a three a.m. breastmilkfeast, I call to Mom, I'll handle it."He's now four monthsold, and drinkingformula supplements from a bottle--a conscious decision on my part.I had hoped to havehim weaned--and mybreasts completelymy own again-- within five months.My new game planwill expedite thatschedule, I realize, and I have to admit, that makes me sad.48I change his diaper, marveling for about the millionth time at his perfect little body.The body I created.All clean and dry,I carry him back to my bed, cradlehim in one pillowedarm, unbutton my top.And as the milk begins to flow, so do my tears."Mommy loves you,Hunter Seth. No matterwhat, Mommy loves you."He looks up at me with spectacular greeneyes and, around myvery sore nipple, smiles a toothless baby smile.49Now You Might ThinkThat tender scene might make me change my mind, and truthfully, I have thought twice.But I don't want to think again.I MapBlast directions to Robyn's apartment, load a small ice chest with soda, to fight the wah-wahssure to strike on my way home.If it gets too late, promise me you'II stop and spend the night, Mom insists. Here's some money.She hands me a crisp $100 bill.Suddenly it strikes me that I haven't even thought about the money end of the transaction to come.Lucky me. A hundred will just50about cover it. Still, it prices haven't risen with inflation, another hundred will score an eight ball instead of a gram.Yeah, yeah, my thought processes have already graduated from casual to daily use. But I don't want to have to drive to Stocktontoo often. Hell, an eight ball will last me just about forever. Won't it?51So Where to FindAnother hundred dollars? In lieu of an allowance,Mom and Scott buy diapers and baby formula.My savings account is still closed to me, and will be until my eighteenth birthday.That impressive turning point is only a couple of weeks away, but not soon enough to score the monetary birthday rewards I hope for from relatives, far and near. No, only one place comes to mind, an easyplace, all things considered-- Hunter's rainy-day piggy bank.52All those very same relatives sent him a little cash, right after he was born. I was going to open a College savingsaccount, but haven't gotten around to ityet. No problem.I'll replace it as soon as I get my birthday stash. Meanwhile,Hunter won't miss it. And neither, I hope, will Mom.Pack an overnight bag, just in case, she says, interruptingmy thoughts. Always a goodidea to plan for that rainy day.53She Makes It So EasyHanding me her keys, helping me pack, giving me money. I'd like to blame her for what may come, take dead aim and whack this big ball of guilt across the net, into her court, wait for her well-deservedvolley.Butthat wouldn't be accurate, wouldn't beright.I know as I climb into the SUV, crank the engine, that what'sleft of Kristina will have to battle the reemergent Bree, that despite my plan to comeback54and pick up where I left off, only more positive and energized to goforth, get my GED and a great Job, find a nice little place, make my own way, the odds of things ever being quite right again are clearly, completely, not in my favor.55But Playing the OddsIs not my bestthing, so I stow every Single nagging doubt and head off to Stockton. It's a gorgeous blue September day, and I take my time.South on a straight stretch of Highway 395, turn west on Highway 88, leaving Nevada behind, just out of Minden.The winding highway carries me past Kirkwood, my family's favorite ski resort.Even without snow, the steep angular mountain brings back memories of stepping off cornices and hanging, midair, for a scant second betöre dropping down long, deep black-diamond runs.56I can almost feel the sizzle of adrenaline, pumping from the back of my skull, zooming down my spine and into my legs, makingthem reach for even more speed.Turn. Turn. Don't fight gravity.Suck into its jet stream.Once in a while I'd make a mistake, catch an edge. Or a mogul. Most times, I corrected beföre taking a tumble.Once or twice, I wasn't so lucky, dumping headlong down the hill, sliding out of control until the landscape leveled. And that made the adrenaline pump even faster.57Which reminds me.I have not had an adrenalinerush since I took my little detour, one of nature's irresistible highs, denied by brain chemistry gone awry, at the claws of the monster. I might not know the cause of such cerebral malfunction, if not for an article I once readIt defined for me exactly how crank scours the brain's pleasure center, scrubbing away dopamine, adrenaline and other natural highs. It didn't stop me, of course, but it did slow me down for a day or two.58Not slow enough to keep the damage from occurring. Now only onethingcan give me that kind of feeling--like I have the world by its throat.And I am on my wayto it.59Several Miles Farther WestI pass a small mountain Community, hometo loggers, retirees, and telecommuters.My parents have friends who live here, and for about thirty secondsI think about swinging by. They have a pretty cute son, who I once had a seriouscrush on. We used to visit, and on overnight stays Quade and I would sneak out at night, for nothing more than a little conversation. Okay, we almost kissed once. But I was such a total tool, when he leaned his face down dose to mine, looked into my dilated (by60the dark, not by stash, which I still turned up my nose at) eyes, and it came to me what he had in mind, I actually turned my face away, pretending some nighttime noisehad drawn my attention. Piain and simple, I didn't know how to kiss and didn't wanthim to know it. He was a couple of years older, and a dark-haired hottie who surely knew a thing or two about kissing. Unlike me. I didn't learn those ropes for another year or so.61Looking back, I wish I hadhad a different teacher, one who really cared about me.Looking back, I wish I had partedmy lips--opened my mouthwide and invited his tongue inside--for Quade. Maybe every Single thing that happened in my life afterthat night would have turned out differently. Then again, maybe not.62Either WayI decide not to stop by.My mom told me Quade plays bass in a metal band, so he probably isn't as straight as he used to be. Just like me. Still, I have a destination.I jot a reminder in mymental notebookto look up Quade oneday very soon.This time, maybe l'll just let him kiss me. I mostdetinitely know how.In fact, thinking about it is starting to make mewant it. I haven't let myselfeven consider going out with a guy since Hunter was born. Men are trouble.63But what the hell? I'mlooking for trouble right now, aren't I? And onekind of trouble will likely lead to another, at least eventually.The more I focus on thatkind of trouble, the better it's starting to sound.I do still have the problem with paunch, but crystalwill help with that, too.I just have to stay cool, keep Bree reined in.Little lines, maybe one in the a.m., to wake up, feel great, not eateverything in sight.64Maybe another smalltoot in the early P.M., just enough to limitdinner calories and still be able to sleep at night.Or maybe go out at night.No, no, no !This isn't about going out at night. Isn't about partying.Is not about turning into a lunatic again. I am and will remain in control.65StocktonIs an interesting little city--half-artsy, half-cow town, and home to the Asparagus Festival and other events that take advantage of itswatery location on the delta fed by the Sacramento and San Joaquin rivers.Today I couldn't care less about any of that. All I wantistofind Robyn's apartment, not far from the University of the Pacific.Driving by the brick-and-ivy campus, I almost envy the students,Walking alone or sitting in groups, looking at their books--and each other.Guys. Girls. Tight Jeans and T-shirts. Big Gulps here. Cigarettes there.66It's all so normal. Then it comes to me that one of thosestudents is Robyn, who is anything but "normal." You can hide a lot, or maybe just get away with a lot, if you play your cards right.I only hope the hand I'm about to deal myself will hold an ace or two.67I Locate Robyn's ApartmentBuilding C-9. Third floor. I'm early, but not too, so I sit on the stairs to wait.And wait. Four o'clock comes and goes. Still I sit, not too worried about Robyn getting homelate.Even on her best days, clock-watching was never her greatesttrait.Did she have a greatest trait? Oh, yeah. That's why I'm here, huh? Patience!Maybe she didn't comestraighthome because she had to make a buy on the way. But when a watch-check sayseight68after five, I decide I'd better try her cell. Dumped into voice mail, something Ihate under any circumstances. Just as I'm starting to feel really pissed, thisgreat-looking guy Starts up the stairs. Okay, this is deja vu-ish. I met my Adam, who I once believed was my soulmate, on a similarstaircase. But this guy goes way beyond Adam--older, buffer, withSlate69gray eyes that fix on me, eliciting Chilis that I can't describe. He looks at me like a barracuda, scopingbait.Ravenous. Suspicious. Curious. Delicious. (Him, not me.) I feel like a freighttrain has steamed right into me, and when he smiles a hungry smile, I decide Robyn's tardiness must betäte.70I Watch HimClimb the stairs past me, try to keep all hint of drool inside my mouth, where it belongs. Guess whose door he knocks on. "Robyn isn't homeyet."Heturns, eyes narrowing into discerning slits. She's alwayslate. I swear she gets lost, driving ten blocks from school to home. The name's Trey."Hey, Trey. I'm Kri... [Bree!] The voice inside my brain practically shouts. "Br..." No, I'm not her anymore. "Kristina."Trey smiles. Good to meet you, Kri-Br-Kristina. You a friend of Robyn's? He saunters over, plops down next to me, leg touching mine.71My heart picks up its pace. Can he hear it? It he doesn't, he's deaf! Around the pounding, I manage, "I'm an old friend of Robyn's, just here for a visit."His grin says everything. I see. Well, Robyn's friends generally only "visit" for one of two reasons. Stash. Or money. Wonder which one you're after.I'm not copping to anything. "Do you include yourself on that list? Or are you after something eise completely?" I'm trolling, and he knows it.Guessyou'll have to hang around to find out. Oh, look. Here she comes now. Time for the party to start.You up for it, little girl?72No one has called me that in a very long time. I like how it makes me feel. "Oh, yeah. I'm up for it." And a whole lot more.Suddenly I'm very glad I wore butt-slimming jeans, a baggy shirt that covers my tummy, and for the first time in months, a little makeup.73Robyn Greets TreyWith a massive, soggy kiss, one meant to impress. (But impress him or me?)All I get is a lukewarm, Hey, Kristina. Long timeno see. You look good.No hug? No warm, fuzzy friendship to rekindle? Oh, well. Not like we were ever the bestot friends. More like snorting buddies. She used me. I used her, and I'm using her now."You look great too, Robyn." Yeah. Great. Like bones, in a bag of jaundiced skin.Robyn opens the door.Sorry about the mess. I've been kind of busy.74Anyway, housework is such a waste. It neverfrigging ends, does it?The smell--dirty ashtrays, sweat, and a slight hint of mildew--almost knocksme over and I enter at my own risk. "Mess" does not describe the battlefieldI've just walked into. The living room is strewn with dirty clothes, designershoes, and smeared paper Plates. Attached is a small dining nook. Books (text- and other) spatter the table, along with beads, pastels, and various art supplies.75I've always got two or threeprojects going on at once, explains Robyn. Some for artclass, others just to stroke my creative siele. UnfortunatelyI don't finish many.Trey laughs. Spoken like a true tweaker. Oh, and speaking of tweak...He reaches down into his sock and produces a plastic bag with some serious-looking crystal.So Robyn wasn't scoring for Trey. He was scoring for her! Very interesting.76Robyn Is MakingA sizeable buy. I sit, growing more anxious with every passing second, watching her weigh a half ounce of meth into eight balls. She's into the deal, heavy. I mean, there she is, holding enough crystal to send her away for a very, very long time. My hands shimmy as I reach for the bindle Robyn passes me. It's different from the meth making the rounds last year. This is hard little rocks and not much powder. Robyn pulls out a glass pipe, but I ask, "Can we do some lines?" I long for that punch to my sinuses. The one that hard-core users can no longer handle because of the gaping sinus-cavity holes. Trey gives me a stränge look, and Robyn says, Jeez, it has been awhile sinceyou've used, huh? You77can't snortglass, Kristina. You have to smoke this... or shoot it. You're not Mo needles by any chance, are you?Trey laughs at my over-the-top horror. Needles? No way. And, apparently, no fine white lines to watch disappear into my nose. "Is it all like this now?" I ask, ignorant. Trey answers with a shake of his head. You can stillfind street-lab crank. This is Mexican meth, as good as it comes, maybe 90 percent pure. It's pricey of course. And worth every damn penny. How much is that, I want to know, but before I can query, Robyn drops a sparkling rock into her pipe. She lights a Bic, holds it well under the glass, and a fine plurhe of78methamphetamine smoke lifts to greet her open mouth. The pipe travels next to Trey, who indulges, then passes it on to me. My hand trembles, anticipating treasure. Long-Iost treasure. One slow, easy inhale sparks little explosions inside my brain, firing directly into the pleasure center, igniting ecstatic bursts from eyebrows to toenails. Trey was right. Whatever it costs, it's worth it. I want to feel this great all the time. With one hit, the life I have worked so hard to make normal perverts itself again. I came here, meaning to go home reenergized. But now I don't want to return to the artificial "home" created by my parents, my child. All of a sudden I feel more at home with a forgotten friend and a complete, very cute stranger.79That IdeaVanishes instantly, with the mere mention of money. Trey said the glass was pricey. Now he clarifies, So the eightball is three hundred.I suck in breath like it hurts to find it, confess, "I only have two hundred with me." Trey tsks. Can'tdo a ball for a deuce. More like a couple ofg's.Two grams is plenty. But the monster is a greedy prick. "Can't we work something out? I'm good for the rest, I swear." Trey gives an uh-huh look. But he says, Well, I do get to Reno sometimes. Why not? Why not!80Why Not?Can I really have established a new connection so easily?Nothing in life is that simple.So I ask, just to make sure,"Are you sure? Because I canbring the money to you."Not that I can really tell himwhen, or how. But still...But he says, I really do get to Reno, more often than I'd like, in fact.III have to come over in the next week or two. We can hook up then.But you 'd better be good for the rest, orelse... He pounds one fist against the opposite palm, but his smile ets me know he's only joking.His smile. His incredible smile. Stop it, Kristina! [No, don't.]81What I Don't Really GetIs just why he's being so accommodating. Just what, exactly, is his game?Can he possibly beinterested in me, baby blubber and all? I want to be back in the game.Lately, I think about it more and more. Like a sick little kid, I want to go outside and play.But I've never been especially good at choosing play partners. Is Trey the gameI'm after, and is he after me? If so, I need to learn the rules of his game so I canplay it well.82I Meant to Pick Up a StashMake a quick about-face, head backto Reno. LikeI couldn't have guessed it might not turn out that way.But I haven't talked to anyone my age in months. Betweenthat and the toot, my mouth won't stop working.One bowl. Robyn and I talk about Reno, how life used to be. Two bowls. We talk about how life is now--too many classes for her, oo much home for me. Still another bowl. We talk about our gay siblings.Trey perks up at that. Apparently he wasn'tprivy to Robyn's more personal information, and gay relatives are always interestingtothose who don't happen to have any of them.83Another toke. Trey sits between Robyn and me. His knee rests against mine. The warmth of it fights the crystal's chills, and turns me on completely. My face flares a deep, noticeable crimson.Robyn flashes a tweaker's smile, one that says, Don'tfuck with me, orl'll payyou back good. In fact,III pay you back first. But what comes out of her mouth is, So, tell me all about your baby.84I PurposelyHaven't mentioned Hunter. I mean, it's not like the first thing you do when you meet an incredible guy is tell him you've got a baby.But Trey seems moreinterested than offended. Baby, huh? You're not married, are you?His curiosity, and Robyn's evil glare, make me smile. "Nope, not married ..." Even spun, the thought brings me up short.So, where's Daddy? Youliving with him or what? Is he watching Baby tonight?85The meth monster threatens to pounce, but I rein it in. Not a Single vicious comment about Daddy the rapist. "I live with my parents. My mom babysits Hunter when I'm not around."You still live with your parents? Mine would have kicked me out. But hey, they kicked me out, anyway.Bree laughs, lovinghow it makes Robyn squirm.Kristina knows it isn't verynice, so she blames it on the crank, which fuels a very long ramble, Trey'sknee still sizzling against mine.86"I'd like to move out but I need a job, and to get one I need my GED, which I'm still working on. And even if if I get a Job, I need someone I trust to take care of Hunter."Trey gives me an odd look, one I cannot decipher. But all he says is, Makes sense to me.Very little makes sense to me at this moment. All I can think about is how great it is to feel so alive, so in lust again87Robyn DecidesTo break up the party. It's great to see you again. she says. But it's getting late andI do have some projects to finish."Late? How late?" I still have to drive all the way home.I twist Trey-'s arm until his watch reveals the time:nineteen minutes past one. No wonder my boobs hurt, having not been emptied in so many hours. They'rehard as stones and leaking a little. Another twinge of guilt. No morebreast milk for Hunter.Trey hands me a scrap of paper. Here's my number, and give me yours, too, okay?In case you forget to call.88His hand brushes mine like a summer kiss. Heightened by the meth spinning circles in my brain, his simple touch--not to mention his request-- sparks shivers, thigh to neck. But it Is time to go. I spent my motel money, and anyway,I'm much too buzzed to sleep. Might as well drive on home. Three hours will go by like nothing, this buzzed."Thanks for everything, Robyn. Awesome meeting you, Trey. Hope to see you again soon." Real, real soon.89I Start to LeaveReconsider, knowing l'llwant to stop tor a smallpick-me-up along the long road home."Oh, hey. Can you spare piece of tinfoil and maybe a straw? I've gotzip for paraphernalia.Let's make you a pipe, Treytells me. How about a lightbulb, Robyn?She obliges, and in a matter of minutes,Trey turns it into a smoking device. Becareful. It will getreally hot. Oh, and you'II probably need this, too.90He reaches into his pocket, extracts a lighter. Now justdrop a rock, right in hereHe demonstrates with one of Robyn's. Hold the lighterright about here____A thinplume of smoke lifts, and Trey is quick to inhale.As Robyn and I help himfinish it, Trey says, So,Kristina, next timeyou're up for the score, call me. This shit travels the US-95 corridor up from Mexico. My connection lives Near Reno. Ironie, huh?91No wonder Trey gets to Reno sometimes.Ironie barely coversit. But hey, next timeI won't have to drive all the way to Stockton. (Let alone have to deal with Robyn's evil eye.)"That's good to know,Trey," says Kristina.Then Bree takes over."Next time you come over the mountain, be sure to give mea call.I'll pay you back the hundred. And if you talk92real nice, I just mightadd a little interest."Holy crap. Team Bree with the monster, younever know what youmight get. But Treylaughs. And just whatdoyou have in mind?This is Bree's game. So why does she disappear now? I shrug. "For me to know and you to find out."Guess III have to make it soon, then. The curiositymight do mein. He wraps the hot bulb in a napkin, walks me to the door, bends to bring his Iips dose to my ear. Careful driving home. I want you all in one piece.93He Wants MeAll in one piece. But does that mean he wants me?I take the stairs slowly, head turning cartwheels.It's been so long since anyone has wanted me.At the bottom of the stairs, I turn to look over my shoulder.I want to believe that he wants me. But it's impossible.Trey's backlit silhouette is still in the doorway.Maybe it isn't impossible. Only highly unlikely.94He raises a hand, waves a good-bye. Closes the door.I never used to second-guess myself. What's up?The porch light winks out. Is Trey staying the night?Well, of course he is. Why doyou think Robyn wanted you gone?Jealousy wells up inside. I want him to stay with me.Wanting and getting are two totally different things.I want him to take me in his arms and kiss me.95Why must I torture myself? He's with Robyn. Right now.I want him to touch me all over my body.Cut it out, Kristina. You're just making things worse.I want him to tell me he needs me. Loves me.What am I thinking? I don't want that at all.Yes I do want that. I want to be in love.Stop it! Don't you know talking to yourself is a sign of insanity?96It Is a ClearNot quite warm September night, the obsidian skybrimming with stars. An orange harvest moon lights the semideserted highway, and myconfidence in my ability to reach home, all in one piece, grows with every mile leftdissolved in my wake. I am wide awake, buzzed to the nth degree.I drive slowly, lost in thoughts of Hunter, hopefully sleeping soundly; of the things that led up to having him;97of what lifewould be like if he had never been conceived. I would never have thought Icouldconsider living without him; never would have thought I mighteasilydistance myself from him. But I want someone--other than a baby--to love, and soon.I miss feeling special. Miss feeling beautiful. I only hope I haven'tbecomeimpossible for a guy to look at with lust in his eyes.98Halfway Home I StopFor a small pick-me-up, not because I particularly need it (my eyes are wide, wide open), but because I can. I have stash. It's talking to me.One little hit, my heart revs high, then settles into quick-step mode. How I've missed that race and pound. How I've missed the lack of control.It makes no sense. I know that. But I'm sick of making sense. Sick of being sensible. As I consider that, it hits methat I haven't called Mom.Now it's much too late. Is she pacing the floor, ready to pounce when I walk through the door? Has she gone to sleep, assuming I stayed99overnight and forgot the cell phone in my purse? Cell phone! I yank it out, and sure enough, there's a voice mail messagewaiting for me. When youget this, please call and let us know you're safe. I don'tcare what time it is. Mom is pissed, and rightly so.I look at the time. Two twenty. Screw it, I'd better call. Mom answers on the second ring. Hello? Kristina, is that you?Who eise would it be? "Yes, it's me. I'm fine. I stayed late at Robyn's, decided to come on home. No worries, I've had gallons of coffee."100No worries? Kristina GeorgiaSnow! Have you no consideration whatsoever for your family?We've been so worried! One simple phone call...She's right. Of course she is. But I don't feel like giving much ground. "I'm sorry, Mom. Go on to bed. I'll be home soon." I hang up without even asking about Hunter. I'll have to eat a table füll of crow in the morning, but why worry about it the rest of the way home?101I'm Totally in the WronAnd I totally know it. And I totally don't care. That's the monster talking and I totally know that, too. ButI'm totally ready to listen to every word, every excuse, every suggestion.I feel great, for the first time in months. I feel positive about the future, like I actually might have a future beyond babies and books. I feel like I've got the world by the balls. I just have to remain cool, calm down my parents, regain my power. I ask the monster how to manage that and he replies,Simple. You need money. Money! Of course. Can't have much of a life without102a steady supply of the green stuft. I I do need money, and that means a job. But what kind of job? Only one thought comes readily to mind.103I Get HomeA little beföre four. The house is dark.' Silent. Everyone fast asleep. Except me, of course.Rather than chance waking up Hunter, I think I'll run on down to theall-night conveniencemart and pick up an application. Almost every kid in the valley works at the Sev for a month or two, while waiting to go off to college, get married, or find a better job. It pays minimum wage, and the worksucks, but beggars cannot be choosers. I park off to one side, check out who's inside. Believe it or not, there's a guyplaying a slot machine. They have slots in Nevada 7-Elevens. And groceryStores, airports. Anywhere people get bored.104Even up-all-night bored. Turns out I know the guy behind the counter. Grady's a year olderthan me and a total loser type.He'll probably never work anywhere but at the Sev, which is doubtless just fine by him. "Hey, Grady," I say.He gives me a total loser smile, the kind that gives you the creeps. Hey, Kristina. You're up early."I haven't been to bed yet, actually." Those seven words say much more than he needs to know.Grady looks at my eyes, and his grin grows real wide. Oh, yeah.I can see it perfectly now.Whatever. If he knows, it's because he gets high too. "I came by to pick up an application."105Funny time of the day for that. Let me see iflcan dig one up. He goes into the back room.It takes a few minutes, but he finally returns, application in hand. You sure you want to work here?Mostly what's open is graveyard. You'd have to put up with people like him. He points to the slot addict.The guy doesn't even turn around. Fuckyou, he says, feeding a ten into the money reader."It's not like I really want to work here, but I need a job and my choices are limited."The monster goes on to tell him all about Hunter. about living with my parents, studying tor my GED,106and wanting a way to escape."I'll be eighteen in a couple of weeks. But I can't do anything until I can save up enough for a little place. Food. Diapers." I smile. "Miscellaneous."Yeah, well, if you ever need help hooking up with that, give me a huzi. You know where to find me.107All the Way to StocktonAnd it was right here, practically under my nose (ha-ha) all the time?As I start out the door, the slot machine freak lights a cigarette. Now, I haven'tindulged that habit in quite a while either. I quit when I was pregnant--figured I was eighty-sixing one bad habit, why not lose that one too?But meth and nicotine buddy up real fine. The smell of fresh-lit tobacco sucks me right up tight against Slot Man.Could I bum one of those?" I'm flat out of cash at the moment, and still under108eighteen. Grady mightstroke me by pretending he doesn't know my age, but the cameras are rolling and stings for selling booze or smokes to underage people are common. I don't want to get him in trouble, not when he might be helpful in the future.Besides, one cancer stick, with no more in a drawer, won'tget me hooked again. Right?Slot dude smiles a knowingsmile, shakes one from the hard pack. You owe me one.Yech. He's scruffy. Kind of smelly. I definitely hope he doesn't think I owe him.109Grady hands me some matches.No law against that, right? "Thanks. I'll be in touch."I retreat outside, into the cool of sunless morning. My handsshake a bit as I fire the Camel Light.It tastes like heaven. Likeif I could just keep smoking it, I'd never need to eat again.If you've never smoked, you won't understand that, but if you have, you know exactly what I mean.I suck the poison slowly, with great, immediate pleasure. It's almost as good as...Okay, maybe not as good as that. But it calms me, convinces meto go on home,110do whatever is necessary to keep my mom and Scott off my back. Apologize like I'mreally, truly sorry. And, in several ways, I really am. Butthere's no turning back now.111I Tiptoe Through the DoorHoping the house is still silent, and it is. Down the hall, into my room, where I quietly seek out a new stash place, then lie down on my bed. The pink Silk quilt is almost too soft. Part of me--a small part, growing smaller by the minute--demands penance.That small part, the Kristina part, keeps whispering what a fool the other, Bree part, is. "Not only were you stupid to sneak backto the monster," she mumbles, "but ten to one you're going to get caught. Mom and Scott will know."112The Bree part just stares contentedly at the ceiling, really comfortable for the first time in too many months. Meth. Tobacco. A chance at a spectacular guy, even if he does live three hours away, over a major mountain.I get to Reno sometimes. Will he come just for me?"Yeah, right," Kristina says. "Trey is going to dump Robyn (who no doubt gives him head after giving him money) and drive over the Sierras for a frumpychick with a baby, who lives with her parents, who are going to bust her anyway."113[Shut the hell up.] Bree talking, damn her sharp, irritating whisper. [Don't talk too much, keep your (my) temper in check, leave the ranting to Mom and Scott, you'll (we'll) bejust fine. And whatever you do, leave your conscience-- and confessions--behind.]I sit in bed, arguing with myself until the sun peeks up over the eastern hüls, eyes almost as red as mine must be. Just about the time the skyshimmers light, Hunter wakes up. I go to him quickly, hüstle into the kitchen to fix him a bottle, kissing him quiet.114Since Mom was up so incredibly late last night (worrying about me!) [hey, conscience, remember?], she might just sleep in. Maybe she'll be so rested that she'll only give me the second degree. I'm sure not in any mood for the third.115But It's SaturdayMom and a friend of hers always go to the gym early to work out. Which meansno way will she sleep in.She pads into the kitchen, notices I'm feeding Hunter. Glad to see you made it homeokay. What time did you get in?I suppose I could lie, but that's just stupid. "Around fourthirty, I guess. I'll take a nap when Hunter does."Mom gives me a solid once-over, but if she notices anything, keeps it to herseif.So how was the College fair?College fair? Oh, yeah."Okay, I guess. It's a pretty nice campus and all.Robyn seems to like it."She looks at me harder.Robyn's at UOP, isn't she?I thought you said the Collegefair was in Sacramento.116One thing meth is goodfor--manufacturing lies sans hesitation. "I always mix up Stockton and Sacramento."She stares me straight in the eye. Good thing you didn't mix them up whenyou were behind the wheel."Heh-heh. Yeah, you'reright. Oops. Smells like Hunter's breakfast wentright through him____"I start to get up, but Momputs a severe hand on my arm. One second. I need to talk to you about something.I swallow hard. Does she hear Bree's voice in my mouth, see the monster in my eyes? "What?"Leigh called. She's planning on coming home for your birthday. I thought it might be a good time to baptize Hunter.117Relief floods my face like a not, red tidal wave. "Baptize Hunter? Oh.Yeah. Well, I guess so."Good. I'll talk to PastorKeith at church tomorrowmorning. You shouldthink about godparents.Jeez, is that it? Inquisitionover? "Godparents. Right. Meanwhile, diaper patrol."I make a hasty exit.Hmm. Baptize Hunter? I'venever considered it, let alone who I'd want to take care of him, should somethingbad happen to me. I don'thave any friends who could fill such big shoes. Mom and Scott? Can grandparentsbe godparents? Maybe Leigh?But would I have to name her partner, too? And how wouldPastor Keith feel about that?118Thoughts and ideas volleyback and forth in my head. I put Hunter in his swing, watch him rock along.I feel exhilarated. I feel rotten.I know I've made a terrible mistake. I'm ecstatic thatI found a way to make it.119Mom Leaves for the GymNow I have to face Scott, who finally comes downstairs, "pissed" written all over his face.Well, look who decided to grace us with her presence. I can't believe how rudeyou are.I didn't have to take it from Mom. Should I take it from husband numbertwo? "Sorry."Yeah, whatever. Just don'texpect to borrow one of ourcars again anytime soon.All the more reason to find a way to keep my own vehicle in tip-top shape. "I won't."Did you apologize to your mother? She sat up half the night, worrying about you.Irritation blossoms. And I'm starting to want another little toot. "Yes, I apologized."Damn straight. Kristina, you're a mom yourself now. Can you not relate, just a little bit?120Like Hunter is going to borrow a car and stay out all night anytime soon. "Sure."Good. All it takes is a simplephone call, okay? That's why we gave you the cell phone."I'm really, truly sorry, Scott. Robyn and I just got to par... uh, talking, and I lost track of time."Okay, Kristina. Ican understandthat. I know it's been a while since you've spent time with a friend.He's letting me off this easy? Unreal. "Yes, it has. Thanks for understanding, Scott."Just don't forgetyou won't find a better friend in the world than the friends you have in your family.121Scott Takes Off to Play GolfJake is at a friend's. I put Hunter down for a nap, decide to try one myself. Mybrainmight be doing jumping jacks, but my body is shutting down. It feels like a lead anchor, sinking in a sea of quilt, tugging metoward repose. I'm drifting. Sleeping? A parade of facesfloats behind my closed eyes. An ethereal Robyn grins, her ecru facedistorting into a vampirelike apparition. Right behind her comes Trey (predator or prey?), handsome122and hungry as a winter-starved coyote. Segue to Grady, Grade-E loser, vileconvenience störe slave and crystal meth submissive, followed by Leigh, my absent, beautifnlsister, with her lesbian lover, the cheerleader. Then Mom and Scott, who must suspect the uglierside of last night's adventure. So why didn't they lash out at me, bombard mewith123questions, search my stuff, smell my breath, something? Do they just not want to know for sure, stress themselves with suchwisdom?Or have they, perhaps, simply given up on me?124That FeelingOf wanting to sleep, desperately needing sleep, fighting the monster for sleep, reminds me of one reasonI have been happy to leave the meth in Hunter's wake.Though it's calling to me,Just one more little toot,I simply will not give in.I will keep the monster in check. I am stronger than any addiction. Right?Somewhere, a telephonerings. I swim up into grayafternoon, the inside of my head thick as chowder, tug myself from bed, go to find the offending bell.125I don't get there quicklyenough. Hunter wakes at the alarm, and by the timeI reach the phone, nap-wetbaby soaking one arm, the caller is midmessage.... haven't been out your way in a long time. I figuredyour eighteenth birthday was a good excuse. Besides,I want to see mygrandsonwhile he's still a baby. Weshould hit Reno on the twenty-eighth, so save a few hours to celebrate with your old man.126My DadIs Coming for a visit?(Why now, after all these years?) And not justany visit, but on the weekend of my birthday, when Leigh is also coming for an unexpected visit.Leigh, who still refuses to speak to the father who left her in his dust.A visit now,127the same time as Hunter's baptism? I can just hear Mom: Thatbastard has to plan a visit to Reno, a place your sister and I figured he'd forgotten about? Why does he have to remember it now? a visit to Reno,128I Expect Her to Say Exactly that. She doesn't.But what she does say is enough to make you cover your ears.I never knew my mom could have such a foul mouth! You fill in the blanks. They scare me!That mother-ing sonofabitch!Did he spend all year, waiting for just the right --suckingmoment to f-- up what should be a perfect day? He has no -ing right! No right at all.I simply cannot believethat pr-- would dare show his face around here, not after last year. And as for his wanting to play "grandpa," I really don't think so!129I'm conflicted about his plans. I want no confrontations, no bad blood. (Especially not if it's going to be spilled in the baptismal fount, or over the icing on my birthday cake!)But, despite everything that went down over my summer n Albuquerque, I want to seeDad again. He's a freak, true, and a piss-poor father. But he still belongs to me.130Mom Is Still RantingAnd suddenly she seems to intuit my inner turmoil, which only serves to make her angrier still. You can't want him to come here, Kristina? Do you really want him to spoil this special day?What can I say but the truth?"Why does he have to spoil anything, Mom? You've been divorced, like, forever. Can't you bury the hatchet--and not literally? Can't you just let it go?"Hunter Starts to fuss--he's still soggy--and Mom takes him from myarms. I'll never forgive him for the way he treated his family, Kristina, or for the path he put you on last year.131Okay, that's just not fair. "You can stay mad at him forever, Mom. I don't care. But you can't blame him for the choices I made. He didn't make those decisions for me."She levels me with a single glare. [Damn, that's a real talent] I suppose that's true, and I guess I can 't stop him from coming. She hands me the phone.But you have to tell your sister.132Mom Goes to Change HunterI dial Leigh's number, praying she isn't home. No luck there. We exchange pleasantries, chat a few minutes. Finally, I break the news.Leigh takes it well. No fucking way! Kristina, I want to be there, you know I do, and I really want you to meet Heather. It's taken both of us this long to make that meeting happen. But how can we possibly come now? I wouldn't know what to say to Dad, or how to reactwhen I saw him. Why hasn't he ever once called me, Kristina? How can he care so little?133I don't want to tell her drugs-- and maybe sex--mean more to him than anything, though I know in my heart that's the truth. I don't want to tell her that's the way of the monster. "I don't know, Leigh. But you have to come, okay?"I haven't seen her in months, and want her here for my birthday, notto mention the baptism. Suddenlyl know what to say. Pastor Keith will simply have to deal with it, one way or another. Anyway, I'm not so sure God will have a hard time with my choice."I want you and Heather to be Hunter's godparents. Please, Leigh. Please come."134It's Been Almost a WeekSince Leigh reluctantly agreed to serve as Hunter's godmother. (Godfather? Thank goodness I don'tknow all the little details. They might make me change my mind.)But I'm happy (and sort of surprised) to say I've managed to keep my usepretty much under control.I've only indulged maybe twice a day, and yesterday I completely ignored the monster's whining.Mostly because my body finallyMy demanded the sleep of the dead.I claimed a flu bug was taking me down, and Mom believed every word.135With my red eyes, sweats, and Chilis, no doubt I looked the part. I slept thirteenhours, got up and ate dinner, then crashed back out until this morning. Of course, the first thing I did when I got up was sneak around back for a quick toke.I have to admit I totally misjudged a few things, like the crystal's effect on my motheringcapabilities. I thought it would make it easier to segue into my daytime routine after late-night hours cajoling Hunter to please, please go back to sleep.Instead, the glass tends to make me (with apologies for the Coming pun)136a tad cranky. Imagine trying to placate a fussy baby when his crying sendsmajor body rushes up and down your spine, crashing into your skull and vibrating inside your brain. Imagine trying to hold him against breasts hard as boulders from all the milk left to ferment inside and finally--blessedly--dry up completely, leaving your boobs a whole cup size smallerthan beforeyou got pregnant.Imagine, when the idea of food makes you want to retch, trying to deal with mostly-digested baby formula, big green glops, smeared on a butt (even if it is a pretty cute baby butt), all yours to clean.137Imagine trying to play This Little Piggy when what you really want is to hook up with a guy for a great night of smoking and "touch me right there, please."Yeah, yeah, I know that--and exactly that--is what got me into this predicament to begin with. So no lectures. But hey, if there's a cute, available guy out there, please, someone, please point him in my direction.138The Garage CallsMy car is purring like a kitten and wants to come home. "So what's the total?"Fifteen hundred eighty big ones. Will that be cash, check, or charge?Like who's got fifteen hundred in cash lying around? "Um, check I guess."Mom will not be pleased, even though she promised she'd take care of it for me.She's not. That's a lot of money, Kristina. How are you going to repay us?She won't be pleased about my answer, either. God, just please, no139lectures! "I put in an application at the Sev. I should hear soon."She tsks her tongue. Who'd have thoughtyou'd end up working there?"It's not the worst thing, Mom. At least it's close. I asked for swing shift, but sometimes they start you on graveyard." Grade E's loser shift.She shakes her head and I know that means: What will people think?140My First InclinationWith the monster whispering in one ear, is to snapsomething rude. But Bree, believe it or not, reigns me in. [Won't serve our purposes.]Her hiss is inside my head. [We do want Mom to agree to pay for our car, now don't we?]Yes, in fact we do. So I temper my temper and say, "It's only for a little while, Mom. I have to pay you back somehow, don't I?" I don'tmention my need to escape the confines of her house, but I do confess, "And a little cash141for gas, diapers, and incidentals (!) would be nice."Mom melts, but just a little. I guess you'reright. Thankyou for taking the initiative to apply for a job. I don't mind watching the baby while you work, and I know a degree of independence is important to every youngwoman. It's just that you 've always had suchbig dreams. I don't want to see you lose them. Youmade an immense mistake, but it shouldn't meanthedemise of all you worked so hard to accomplish.142She Opened the DoorTo a real conversation and, fired up on twenty hours' sleep and a good strong whiff of quiteexcellent glass, I feel like talking.Does she really want to listen?"I've got lots of time to putmy life back in order, Mom. Iwant to, really I do. But I needyour help, and not just financially. I want to make a good life forHunter, a good life for myself.I want to stay dose to myfamily, but I also need the chance to leave the nest. To do that,I need an income. I need a job."Her jawline turns to stone.What about College, Kristina?A Job is all well and fine. But to continue the lifestyleyou're used to, you need a career.143I want to scream. College?Career? Lifestyle? No! Ineed freedom--the freedom to make my own choices. The freedom to get high.But I know screaming is completely useless.[Counterproductive.]"You're absolutely right, Mom, and I will go toCollege, enter a career Ilove. But for now, going to work at the 7-Elevenseems like my best option. Please support my decision."144We Leave It There for NowShe goes to get her purse [check-book] and I run to my room for a quick hit off my well-loved lightbulb. I stick my head all the way out the window, thinking about-- you guessed it--Trey, the artisan hundred-watt soft white refinisher.I'm still thinking about the tilt of his Shoulders, the sexy lilt in his voice, while we drive to the garage and Mom pays the grease monkey. She hands me my car keys. Looks like Hunter is in La-La Land.I'll take him home. See you in a bit.She's cutting me loose? Now I'm thinking she's thinking she'd better give me some room. She's right.I've been cooped up for far too long. Time to spread my wings and let the wind carry me somewhere new. To someone new?145The LTD chortles and the radio plays Def Leppard, Pour some sugaron me... I sing along, feeling liberated despite everything. Okay, I'm totally spun. And I plan to get spunner, having brought along my Trey souvenir and its glitter.Glitter. Sugar. Ice. Glass. God!I'm right where I want to be, at least for now. I drive down to the park on the river. Last timeI was here, Chase and I spent some timegetting buzzed and fooling around.I wonder if he's all right. I miss him.He hasn't sent me a letter in a while.Of course, I didn't answerthe lastone. It was just too painful to think about his new life in California.I bet te'sgot someone new.Not that I want to know.I'm not quite that masochistic.146There's a chill in the air when I open the window. I watch the cool breeze toy with the willows along the riverbank. Take several slow hits. Climb to a fine elevation, listening to my favorite radio station's new mix of classic rock and metal.Everything changes eventually. I know that's true, but it's hard to wait sometimes. Sometimes you just have to make things happen. I'm making things happen now. Whether they prove good or bad simply remains to be seen.147On the Way HomeI stop by the Sev to actually drop off my application. (Okay, so I've only really managed to fill it out. I've been kind of busy the last week or so.)Lucky me. The "big boss man" is here, checking up on the day crew. He looks me all up and down. What can I do for you, young lady?Okay, so he's kind of creepy. But I know how to plaster on a smile. "Just dropping off this application. I live right up the hill behind here."Always good for our employees to live dose by. No "traffic" excuses that way. Those really piss me off. Here comes the drool. But I can play that game too."I can imagine. But no worries here. The only excuses I ever give have to do with my period." OMG! Bree has taken full-blown control.148Kevin is no match for her. He stops. Stutters. Accepts the application and suggests, Let's go into the back office and discuss possibilities.Bree and I trail him into a big storage room, filled with cartons and stuff. On one table sits an old computer.Sit right there, Kristina Snow.I see you're going to be eighteen on Saturday? He studies me like a tough-to-crack textbook."That's right. So I really need to make some money to moveout on my own____" I debate tellinghim about Hunter. Decide not to.No employment history, I see. So, nocash register experience? He doesn't flinch at my blank stare. Well, with Scanners it's easy. You can make change?149Bree comes oozing out my pores. "I can make just about anything, Mr. Stewart. Change is a piece of pie." Now I remember why I loved her.He leans toward me, close enough so I can see the hairs in his nose. Cream pie's my favorite. What shift did you have in mind?Is he Ottering me--Bree--days? One way to find out. "Well, I'd like days, but I know you have to pay your dues, so whatever works____"Now the drool fairly drips. We'll see what we can do about those dues, but you happen to be in luck. One of our day-shift people quit today.Unreal. The cretin is Ottering days. And something eise, too. I'll have to consider that carefully. He's really, truly nowhere dose to my type!150He scoots his chair even closer to mine, measures my [non] reaction. When can you start? I'll be happy to come in and train you personally.Oh, yeah. I just bet he will. But what will he train me in?I tell him about the upcoming celebrations. "How's Monday?"The shift Starts at seven. He stands, gestures for me to precede him back to the front of the störe. I can only guess what he's looking at from behind.151As Pass the CounterThe smell of fresh tobacco almost makes me reel. Damn, would I love a smoke! No way can I askfora pack now. Kevin knows my age. But in two more days not only will I be old enough to buy them, I'll have them at my easy disposal.Kevin pauses, extends a hand, so sweaty it threatens to slip from my grasp. Welcome to the team, Kristina. You'II be working with Midge there.... Hepoints to the middle-aged redhead behind the blinking cash register. Say hello to Kristina, Midge.152She turns in my direction, gives me a harder inspection than Kevin himself did. And, though she mutters an abbreviatedhi (can't get much shorter than that, I know, but it came out kind of like "h"), the almost obscene roll of her eyes says most eloquently, Oh, great. Here we go again.153Like I CareI have my out. I have my high. I have more stashwaiting.I have a Job.Almost have an income.It is almost time for an outstandingeighteenth birthday. I have earned my wings, can't wait for mytest flight to freedom.My head buzzes, my body rushes, electric, anxious.I want a taste of flight, a taste of adulthood, another small taste of icebeföre afternoon dwindles.The last thing on my mind is Hunter, waiting for his mommy.I don't want to think154about Mom and Scott, planning birthday and baptism parties.I don't want to think about Leigh, who will arrive soon and want to spend time with me.I don't want to thinkthat the monster might have so soon taken me hostage.No, I don't want to thinksuch a thing is remotely possible.It isn't. Is it?155So WhyDo I take a little detour, drive up the gravel road toward the quarry, dust sifting over the LTD, find a spot under a tree, and, despite being pretty damned buzzed already, take another short stroll with the grabby monster? Something is different this time round, some little thing that keeps on nagging at me. The crystal is better, true, so I know addiction is even likelierthan156beföre. That bothers me some, yes, but like I said, I've managed to keep my use under control.Suddenly, as I inhale a hot, fragranced hit, it comes to me--the thing that's buggingme. Betöre, I got high as a way to socialize, to tit in with the crowd, feel less inhibited around guys.This time, though, I'm spending more and more of my time, getting more and more buzzed, alone.157I Tuck That AwayInto a not-so-accessible recess of my psyche.Everything is about to change. I'll be out around people more.Mingling in crowds more. Interacting with men more.And I'm not talking Kevin Stewart or Grady or Slot Man.But first I have to get through the challenges of this weekend.Starting with going home and pretending I'm a perfect mom, a decent daughter, and a loving sister. Leigh will arrive soon, cheerleader in tow. We'll all have a wonderful dinner. (Will158anyone notice me, pushingmeat and veggies around on my plate until everyone leaves the table?) I won't sleep tonight. No way.So tomorrow I'd better turn my back on the monster. I'll need to sleep betöre Sunday. Can't go to church and stand up in tront of everyone bleary-eyed and trembling, let alone take a chance on passing out completely. Oh, yeah. That would be one for the Good Newsletter!159I Pull into Our DrivewayPark off to one side, where my dusty LTD won't be in Mom's or Scott's way. I sit a few minutes, absorbing rock and roll rhythms, trying to slow the race of my pulse, the hammering of my heart. Truth be told, I'm wasted.Finally I gather the nerve to go on inside, and when I do, Mom hands me a couple of large envelopes.Birthday bot, I'm guessing, she says. I open the first--fifty dollars from Aunt Lou, who lives in Gainesville.The second holds a hundred from Scott's dad, my very cool Grandpa Bill. The card reads: Don't spend it all in one place. Okay, you can!I'd hate to tell him it's already spent, and I sure couldn't tell him what on.160Which reminds me of my promise to myself to return the hundred to Hunter's piggy bank. I will do that, won't I? Yes, of course I will. Some-day very soon. Well... I do have to cash the checks. That could take a few days.And this, says Mom, is from Scott and me. It would have been more, but you never returned the hundred from the other night. You know, the moneyyou didn't spend on the hotel. I'm notsure I want to know what you did spend it on, but anyway, happy birthday.... What does that mean? Do they suspectthe real intent behind my visit to Robyn? They haven't acted strangely at all, but maybe I have. Have I? I don't think so.161Either way, she gives me a card with daisies and puppies on the front and two hundred dollars inside.I can't look her in the eye--not with pupils the size of dimes--and I'm afraid if I hug her she'll catch a solid scent of ingested crystal. So I stand at a distance and say, "Thanks, Mom. I promise to spend it wisely. Maybe I'll even put it in my savings account. Maybe it can even stay there, now that I've got a job."So you got the Job at I'-Eleven? She waits for my affirmative nod, then adds, I hope this doesn't meanyou won't finish upyour GED. Youneed that to get anywhere, Kristina____Tears interrupt. You could have gone..,162I know she cares about me, wants what's best for me. But we already went through this once today. Angercarbonates inside me, bubbles hot and red, and if I let Bree have her way right now, she'll say something I shouldn't.163LuckilyThe telephone rings, interrupting a very tense Situation. Mom shakes her head and gives me a final look, steeped with worry and something kind of like curiosity. She knows something, or at least intuits it.She answers the phone, still shaking her head a little. Leigh? You're here already?I'll grab my purse and see you in a halfhour. She turns to me. They took an early flight. I have to go get them. Want to ride along?She wants me to, that much is clear, but that would mean more164one-sided conversation. "I think I'll stay here and play with Hunter. Hell probably need another napsoon, anyway. Car naps don't count." The baby in question gurgles and smiles, snug in his intant seat.Okay, then. We won't be long. She goes to the foot of the stairs. Jake! Come on! Leigh's waiting for us at the airport.165Mom and Jake LeaveI gentlethe big quilt from its place of honor on the living room couch, shake it onto the floor beneath the big picture Windows, marveling for about the thousandth time at the patience Mom must have had to patch the pieces all together.Then I go get Hunter, lay him in the center of the colorful fabricPotpourri, lie down next to him, and marvel for about the millionth time at how stunningly handsome he is. Pride inflates inside me, beföre segueing to massive guilt.166I feel spectacular. I feel shitty. I feel on top of the world. I feel like I'm on my way to hell. Theball's in my court. What do I do? Serve? Volley?Concede? I want to be a good mom. I don't want to be a mom at all. But what choice do I have?Hunter coos and droolssweet-smelling baby spit, and I stroke his soft, softcheeks. "Mommy lovesyou, Hunter." I really do, and he loves me, too, with a purity that makes my eyes sting. What have I done? And more: What will I continue to do?167EventuallyWatching dust motes play in the afternoon light, Hunter dritts off. I know Mom et al will be home soon, which gives me a small window of opportunity to hook up with the monster one last time. I step out onto the patio, where, shielded from the westerly breeze, I can easilytake a toke and let the evidence escape into the lengthening shadows.Denying any earlier sense of guilt, I ask the monster to step up to the plate, hit an inside-the-skull home run. It doesn't disappoint me.Then I go to shower, douse myself with deodorant and mouthwash. Finally I hear the approaching party. I zoom to meet them, at light speed.168Leigh Has Put On a Few PoundsAnd it suits her almost as much as shedding several suits me. (You'd be surprised how much weightyou can lose in two weeks when you barely eat enough to keep a very small rodent alive.)Anyway, it's awesome to see her again. She hasn't visited since beföre Hunter's birth. I know she was mad at me for everything that happened, and maybe she had a right to be. Or maybe not.I mean, she isn't exactly the perfect daughter herself. Here she comes, waltzing down the hall on her lover's arm--a stunning lesbian pair, acting like they belong here. [Belong here, together. Not much room for us anymore!]169Bree talking, again. Shut up! I tell her, and run to give Leigh a mega mojo hug. [Good trick, with Heather hanging on to her like a monkey to a tree branch.]Shut the hell up, I silently shout to the bitch who lives in my brain.Out loud I say, "God, I've missed you. You look great. Must be ..." [the extra five pounds or maybe the one hundred twenty pounds cemented to your right arm] "... did you change your hair?"170Don't be silly. My hak haslooked exactly like this my entire life. Although it is a little bleached from being out in the sun this summer. Heather tries to tell meit's bad for my skin, but I'm not always so good at following Orders. Oh! I almost forgot to introduce you. Kristina, Heather.[Following orders? Can you believe that?] I stow Bree and give Heather a wary once-over. "Good to finally meet you," I venture. "Leigh has told me so little about you____" That was mean, okay? [Not really. Want to see "mean"?] No!171Heather maintains her grip on my sister's arm. Really? Well, she's told me just about everything about you. Much more than I'd ever choose to know, in fact.What does that mean? Okay, maybe I'll just have to let Bree out of her bottle after all. If anyone can debate the Cheerleader from Hell, it's Bree. [Yeah, let me out.] Can't. This is supposed to be a celebration, not an insurrection.172Truth Is I don't know Heather at all, but I despise her already. It's not just thatshe's freaking beautiful orthat she obviously despises me, too.[You're jealous.] Yeah, yeah, that's part of it. But what I hate most about her is the way she seems to be in control of my no-longer-totally-independent sister.Oh, Heather, doyou mindif l tiptoe in to see the baby? My curiosity is killing me!You don't have to come unlessyou wantto. Kristina will show him offlater.173Puke. Puke. Puke. Smile that pretty girl-on-girl smile for yourcheerleader. But don't ask her permission to leave the frigging room!I mean, I guess in a same sex relationship, someone needs to play the guy, and if I had to choose roles for Leigh and Heather, Heather would be the guy.But hey, in any relationship, does the guy really need to be in Charge?174InstinctTells me to fall deep into a well of silence.Keep your meth-fired mouth shut, it commands.[Oh, just try that with the monster screaming, Let's party!]So I dare, "Must you really ask for permission?"Didn't you give that up when you left home?"Is Heather your girl-friend, or your friggin' mommy?"175Yeah, the verbal slap is mean. Really mean. So why does it feel so damn good? Okay, I'm guessing you know exactlywhy. But the look on the room's collective face slaps me back.Kristina! You apologize this instant, screeches Mom.Kristina! Howcan you be so rude? cries Leigh.Heather doesn't say a word. All she does is smile a leprechaun smile.176LeprechaunsIn case you don't know, are cute littledemons with cherubic faces and devil-bornsouls, and when they smile, you'd betterrun quick.Well, Bree and I decide no way will the conniver make usrun."Sorry," I say, but when everyone except HeatherturnstowardHunter's sudden outburst in the living room, I slip the bitch177the fingen Guess what. She slips it back. So now we both know exactly where westand.I make a mental note to keep her the frick out of my bedroom, holdmy ground, don't worry about taking the high road. Leigh's future happiness is at stake.178Then It Dawns on MeIf high school cheerleaders indulge in "instant pep," collegesquads probably start the party earlier and keep it going well after the game ends. Maybe Heather and I have something in common, after all.But Leigh wouldn't go near the stuff, would she? Secrets between lesbians?Hunter's still fussing for attention. I go over and take Leigh's hand, making sure to turn my back to Heather. I look into my sister's eyes--bright aqua, no sign of the monster there. "Sorry. I must be premenstrual. Come on. I'll introduce you to Hunter."179I pull Leigh's hand, then turn back to Heather. Close assessment ot her violet-blue eyes yields no definitive answers, though her pupils do look dilated. I force a wide smile. "Guess you can come too."Heather takes her own measurements, which apparently musttally. Why not?I lead the way to the living room, where the setting sun paints spectacular colors on the west-facing window. Hunter's awake, waving his chubby fists at whatever real or imagined air fairies have caught his eye.When he sees me, he smiles his great, toothless smile. "Hey, Sweetie," I croon.180"Meet your Auntie Leigh and your..." [Uncle Heather]. The rest of my sentence sticks around that idea. It takes all my willpower (and you know how much ofthat there is) not to laugh out loud.Heather shoots me a look laced with understanding as Leigh picks up Hunter.She gives him a big kiss, folds him into her arms like she used to caress Jake when he was a baby. Oh, Heather. Isn't he adorable? she asks.Heather gives Hunter a top to bottom assessment, something like how a scientist checks out his pet lab animal. Then she pokes my eyes with hers. Uh-huh, she says. He must resemble his father.181Oh Yeah, That BitesIn more ways than one. I have to admit Hunter does look an awful lot like Brendan. I hate to think just how much. But only two people know the truth about Hunter's paternity--Chase and me. When Mom asked, I told her I wasn't sure. The "Father" line on Hunter's birth certificate claims: Unknown. One day, I know, he'llask about his dad. I'll lie to him, too.Better I look like a sleep-aroundslut than he should ever find out he is the by-product of rape.Anyway, Leighdoesn't know, soHeather doesn'teither. She didmean to woundme with her jab, but not mortally.I decide to let it drop. At least for a little while.182For the Next Few HoursHeather and I pretendcordiality, amidst watchingMom cook; Jake show off his soccertrophies; and watching Leigh play with Hunter, who is happy to have Company.Which most definitelystimulates not a smallamount of guilt in me.Since my Stockton trip,I must admit, I've spentminimal time with him.When my buzz Starts to wearoff, I find an excuse to sneak off to my car, grab a toke, maintain the very sharpedge I'd honed earlier.When I return, sucking a mint, Heather smiles183the kind of smile thatsays she might be justthetiniest bit envious.File that away for later use.I actually almost think about Ottering her a whiff.But what if I'm wrong?What if all she wants is to double dunk me in a reservoirof shit?And anyway, on thistrip outside I made a striking observation--there is a most definitedent in my stash, in notquite two weeks.184Dinner TonightIs interesting, to say the least. Mom made a huge harn, scalloped potatoes, broccoli, rolls, with apple pie and ice cream for dessert.Jake keeps the small talk rolling: Freshman English is just piain boring... thinkI'm too Short to play basketball. Maryann Slocum is such a hotbabe... I've heard it all.But Leigh hasn't. She keeps prodding him for details, and when he turns red and quits giving them, Mom is happy to fill in the details she knows.185Heather and I pick at our plates, hoping no one will notice. But Scott does. Something wrong with the harn? he asks, drawing muchtoo much attention away from Jake and toward us. "Nope. It's great," I say."I just ate too much while we were cooking." The explanation seemsto work.Heather chooses to flirt. It's delicious, she cons, batting herthick lashes, but I'm trying to lose a few pounds. Sure, off an already flawless figure.186Will someone please tell her she's crazy? pleads Leigh. Then things get really creepy, when she turns to Heather. You're perfect, exactlyasyou are.Mom and Scott roll with it. And it sails completely over Jake's head. Mouth stuffed with cheesy potatoes, he mumbles somethingthat sounds vaguely like Perfect doesn't cover it. He's in high school already. How can he be so dense? And has no one told him about Leigh betöre?187[You tell him.] Luckily Hunter Starts fussing, betöre I can volunteer the information. Wrong time, wrong place, much to Bree's chagrin.Leigh Jumps up to pacify the baby while Heather goes to stick her finger down herthroat and puke up the few calories that have managed to make it past her lips. Scott gets up to read the paper. Mom and Jake go to do the dishes. Lucky me. I wander outside to do you know exactly what.188Won't Even TryTo sleep tonight. I've spent all dayclimbing to anxious heights, me and my buddy the glass monster, reaching for a better buzz, a taller head, one more little whiff (what could it hurt?), finally crestingsteep cliffs of speed, rising above mundane, towering over ordinary.No sense of fear,I sit in my room, sketching beneath pale lamplight.No sense of foreboding,189I listen to leigh and Heather giggling behind thetoo-thin walls, doingwhatevergirlfriends do. At last, they fall silent. I immerse myself in charcoal portraiture, not even stressing about the fact that it might be a while betöre I have timeto sketch again, or that I have most definitelyembarked on a major bender.190But I HaveAnd not only that, but in hindsight it probably wasn't a greattime for me to Jump back into the arms of the monster.Not that there isa good time to do that, and damn it all, youknow what they say about hindsight. I mean, when I went to Stockton, there were no plans for Hunter's baptism, and a visit from my dad was completely implausible, especially at the exact same timeLeigh finally decided to schedule one, after many distant months.191Throw in a bulimic lesbian cheerleader with an aversion to me, my dad's latest girlfriend, a little brother with a major crush, parents intent on a perfect weekend, a pending new job, and what is left of an eight ball of incredible speed, and just about anything can happen.And if Bree has her warped way, just about anything will.192It Is Late Friday AfternoonWhen my dad pulls into our driveway, no call to warn us of his imminent arrival. Up tili now, the dayhas been relatively uneventful except for a quick exchange between Heather and me.I noticed your light was on this morning around three, she says. Up all night, huh?I shrug. "A lot of it.Something about the bed-springs creaking next door."We left it at that and went on about our business. Which is a good thing. Sleep-deprived, brainsizzling on yet another toke, my thought processes are jumbled. I'm not a worthy Opponent.193The plan is a birthday dinner at our favorite Italian bistro. But dinner forsix (plus roomtor an infant seat) becomes suddenly complicated when Dad's "new" '98 Montero wheezes up the driveway.Otto barks, announcing a stranger's arrival. Dad sits in his car a good long while, no doubt ascertaining his safety. Truth be told, Otto-- a hundred-pound black sable German shepherd--would probably eatDad for lunch. I know he'd love to take a big bite out of Dad's new girlfriend, Linda Sue.But locked safely away behind six-foot chain-link, he won't get the Chance. Poor dog.194Once the two of them decide Otto can't scale the fence, Dad and Linda Sue slither from the SUV. They stand in the driveway, checking out the view and ogling the house.Five minutes of no sound but barking, five final minutes of peace before certain chaos.195Jake Jumps to His FeetRuns to the window. Who the heck is that?Mom joins him. Can you believe he didn't have the decency to call?He? Who he? insists Jake. Will someone please tell me?Scott Starts toward the door. Did you think he would suddenly learn manners?Jake's face flares, cranberryred over freckles. Ahem! Who... ?Heather peeks over Jake's head. I don't know, but he sure looks like a shark out of water.196Fine! I'll just go ask him myself! Me follows Scottout the door. I glance in Leigh's direction. Her face is white as fresh fallen snow.Oh my god, she says. He's so old, so... so... decrepit.197I Have to AdmitHe looks faded, travel-worn, threadbare.High.I can tell, without getting close, that he's sweatingspeed.Linda Sue doesn't look the part of a serious meth user. Only seriouspursuit of my dad (don't ask me why--who can say what evil pheromones must have been at work!) could have dropped her into his personal198and kept her there, smoldering at his side. True love, between a fairy and a troll, bent on proving he still has what it takes to attract someone ten years younger. And both, atthis moment, look on the verge of crashing.199Okay, That's BadEven totally glazed, I know Dad will be asking to share what's left of my stash, which makes me angry. Pissed. Relieved. Some deep down straight part of me wants to shake the monster.Maybe I can if I quit right now.I'll worry about it later. Right now I'm worried about Leigh, whose eyes are wide with emotion-- a stränge mix of hate, love, and apathy.If Mom is smart, she won't let Dad inside. But everthe hostess, Mom would be hard-pressed to dismiss even a troll and his fairy without first Ottering refreshments.200As they all start toward the door, Leigh's body language changes from curious to volatile. Every inch of her tenses like a cheetah, ready to pounce. Heather notices, goes overto Leigh, strokes her hair, kisses her lightly on the mouth. Don't take the offensive.Don't give away your power.201Except for the Kiss ThingMy respect for Heatherswells. I instruct myself to remember that advicewhenever I happen to sense confrontation, orfeel the urge to turn tajl and run.Today confrontation is immediate, the instant Dad lurches through the front door. Hi, honey, I'm home. The joke falters.And then he catches sight of Leigh. Oh my God.It can't be my little Layla. You really grew into a beauty.... He pauses, waiting for some response.Nothing. Can I have a hug?202Out come Leigh's claws.I don't hug strangers. Who the hell are you?Her face contorts, a subconscious effort to make itself less beautiful.It fails. I steel myself for a lob of curses, but Heather refuses to let the verbal battle begin. She walks over to Dad, extends a hand, and tries(obviously so) notto inhaletoo deeply. I can smell Dad from across the room.The girl is brave. Reallybrave. Hello, Mr. Snow. I'mLeigh's partner, Heather.203Dad checks her out toolong. The cheerleaderfacade has him completelycontused. Uh. Oh, yeah, right. Partner, huh? Well, knock me over with a feather.I told you once betöremy dad was the King of Cliche. And when it comes to tact, I'm pretty sure it isn't listed in his internal dictionary.204Linda SueStands nextto Dad, mouse brown hair hanging in long knobby ropes well past her Shoulders. Somewhere beneath a thick sheet of makeup hides a quite pretty woman.After a silent minute or two it becomes clear Dad isn'tmuch for introductions either. Finally his new attachment says, Hello, I'm Linda Sue. Sorry to bärge in on you--Dad interrupts, in a majorly rude way. No problem, L. They knew we were coming, right gang? He moves toward Leigh, who retreats slightly. Well, I'm happy to see you.205Leigh's face has gone from ivory linen to scarlet fleece, especially the tips of herears. What took you so long, Father? Toobusy to pick up the phone?I... I... I..., he stutters, his inability to respond fueled by the monster. [The monster, on a crash diet of guilt.] I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. Forgive me?This could be fun to watch, as long asthe sniping doesn't turn into sniper fire--the battle of the Snows. "No hello for me, Dad?" I complain, adding, "Nice to meet you, Linda Sue."206Everyone turns startled eyes in my direction, as if they can't believe I had the guts to interfere. But a broad sense of relief floods the room. No one wants a battle between the Snows.Scott takes the reins, offers, Let's go out on the patio. Can I get you something to drink? Iced tea? Lemonade? We have some soda, too, Ithink. Coke. Root beer...Dad just can't not be Dad.How 'bout real beer? Anykind will do. We're not picky are we, Linda Sue?He gives her a kiss unsuitable for mixed Company.207[Not picky? Ha! Major Understatement!] I stuft Bree back inside as Scott guides Dad and Linda Sue outside. Mom goes to hüstle up a couple of beers. Heather follows Leighupstairs. Jake and I stand here, exchanging looks of disbelief. Then we both break down into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Your dad is really weird, Jake can finally say.Another major Understatement.208Dad and PalOverstay their welcome. [Kluge surprise!]We have planned a birthday dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant in Renond as the hour of our reservation approaches, Mom and Scott grow a bit antsy; Leigh and Heatherstill have not reappeared; and Hunter wakes from an overlong nap hungry, wet, and otherwise irritated. When I go to mitigate that, Dad decides to tag along.As I discard a soggy diaper in favor of a nice dry one, Dad says, That boy is going to makesome woman very happy one day! Takes after his grandpa, in more ways than one.209Okay, that's much more than I want to know. "Well, I guess he has your eyes. And not a lot of hair. So yes, I guess he takes after you a little bit, Dad." We laugh as I dress Hunter in cute overalls and a plaid Shirt.Can I hold him? asks Dad, and my look is all the reply he needs. Hey, I'm no worse off than you right now! Relax.I remember how to hold a baby.I promise I won't drop the little guy on his head.He takes Hunter gently from my arms, and though the smell of Dad's crank sweat makes me cringe, Hunter doesn't seem to notice one little bit.210Despite my trepidation, Dad looks completely comfortable, holding a baby. See.7 he says. It ain't rocket science.Hunter also looks comfy as Dad carries him back tothe living room. Checkhim out, L. Looks just like me.Linda Sue agrees, but everyone else just stares at me like I've totally lost my mind.I'll admit I'm slipping into the crash zone. Only oneway I know to fix that.211Okay, Two WaysAnd, all things considered,I probably shouldn't try to sneak off for a walk with the monster.So I'll make it through dinner somehow (mighteven manage a nibble or three) and crash like a deadjet plane tonight. Of course, first we have to get to dinner.So where are you staying? Scott asks Dad. [Hint!]Some little dive in downtown Reno, answers Dad.Figures, Leigh whispers to Heather, who laughs out loud.212It's not so bad, offers Linda Sue. Small rooms, but clean.Mom bustles onto the scene with her purse. Let's go!Go? says Dad. Do you have Plans? Don 't let us interfere.We weren't planning on lettingyou interfere, Leigh chimes in.Scott moves between Leigh and Dad. We have dinner reservations.Linda Sue Starts toward the door. Time to go, Wayne.Sure, says Dad. Good seeingyou all. Kristina? Walk me out?213Dad Carries Hunter out the DoorOkay, that's really creepy. "Uh, Dad?" I hurry after him, Linda Sue, and my baby, but have to fight my way pastMom. Wayne? she calls, wrinkling her nose at the stench he's left in his wake. I'II take the baby.Dad turns, grinning. You didn't think I was kidnapping him, did you? Sheesh. I've got enough problems![No shit!] Still, both Bree and I are relieved when he hands off Hunter to Mom. He gestures for me to followhim to his car. I want to take youout tomorrow night for your birthday. As you can probably tell, I brought a little go-fast along, but it's mostlygone. I'm thinking you've got stash of your own. Can you spare some?214[Whose birthday is this, anyway?] "I have a little I can share," I admit. "But only about half a gram."If I give you some cash, can youscore some more? He extracts two wadded hundreds from a pocket.I'll try. But just so you know, this was the first time I've done any since Hunter was born."Okay. He slides behind his steering wheel. Oh. I ran into Buddy betöreI left He said to send you his love.215Dad Drives OffLeaves me coughing on his exhaust fumes and shaking at his parting remark.I haven't stopped to think about Buddy, aka Adam, in a very long time.Adam, who started me on the highway to nowhere. And guesswhere I'm standing now.[Pretty damn dose to nowhere.]Still, remembering ourtime together brings more happiness than anything eise.They say you'll alwayslove your very tirst love. I'll alwayslove Adam a little.216But he's married, with a baby just about Hunter's age. Whywould he send his love?[Because he's a fucking player.]Of course he's a player.But he was my player once, at least for a few great weeks.Everyone piles out the door. We'll have to take two cars, says Mom. Jake, you ride with Dad. Ladies, we cansqueeze into mine. But I volunteer to go with Scott. "More room."[Less nervous conversation.]217Jake sits up front. I take the backseat for me, Bree, and memories best forgotten.Dad stirs them up too, and something else--a big ol'cauldron of guilt.Two weeks and I'm most of the way through a ball. What have Idone? Can I undo it now?[Fat Chance, now you've set me free.]218Saturday MorningI wake to voices in the hallway,[Don't move. Pretend you're still asleep.]Moni: I'm going to wake her up.Leigh: Let her sleep. I'll take care of Hunter.Heather: She did look exhausted last night.Exhausted barely Covers it.[And now you'll be swamp-headed.]Mom: I don't know what's up with herlately.Leigh: Having a baby so young can't be easy.Heather: Her dieting must take a toll too.Okay, she definitely knows. [But is she going to tell?]219Mom: Dieting? What doyou mean?Heather: She barely touched dinner last night.Leigh: And you know how she loves Italian.Heather barely touched dinner either. [Yeah, but she's a better bullshitter.]Mom: She has lost a fewpounds recently.Leigh: Rapid weightloss isn't good, though.Heather: I'd love to know how she's managed it.I'm going to kill her.[You don't, I definitely will.]220The Hallway ConversationRecedes and I tug myself out of bed. I thought I did a good con Job at dinner last night. Now I'll probably catch an earful about rapid weight loss from Mom.Heather is definitely on my shit list. But apparently the loosening of my Jeans has not escaped notice. Now if I can just run into Trey.I'd call him about scoring for Dad, but Stockton is too far away. So last night, when everyone wandered off to their bedrooms, I called Grade E.I kept the request cryptic, of course, and asked to meet away from the Sev. Wouldn't do to get busted there, where I'm supposed to Start work on Monday.221Speaking of Grady, what time is it, anyway? The dock says ten thirty. Crap! I was supposed to meet him at ten, I Jump into clothes and dash for my phone. Great. A message. It's Grady, and he isn't happy. Where the fuck are you? It's tenfifteen. You've got five minutes!I hit call return, fingers crossed. "Hey, Grady, it's me. Sorry I'm late. I... uh ... got hung up with my mom. I can be there in a couple of minutes."He agrees to meet me at the state park. But I'll want a taste.I hope he means a taste of crystal, not a taste of Kristina.222First I've Got ToGet out the front door without someone stopping me. One excuse comes easily to mind. I locatemy keys and the money Dad gave me and don't even stop to brushmy teeth or hair. [Ugly picture!] I hear everyone in the kitchen.Perfect. "I'll be right back," I call, stowing the excuse for later.I go straight for my car, jam the key into the ignition, and as I back out, I notice Mom at the door, hands on hips. Her lips are moving, but I wave and keepgoing. Within a quarter mile my cell rings. Caller ID says it'sMom, and I consider letting it go to voice mail. Better not.223"Hi, Mom. Yes, I know I was rude.Yes, I'm grateful Leigh volunteered to get up with Hunter. Yes, I knowwe've got lots to do today. Yes, I understand how important tomorrowis. Where am I going?" [Thought she'd never ask!] "I woke up majorly on the rag and out of tampons. Had to get some ASAP."She mentions the obvious--that she has a box in her bathroom. Couldn't I haveasked instead of taking off like a bandit in the night?"Heh-heh, yeah, I suppose I could have, huh? Sorry for being so dense, Mom." I hold my breath and, lucky me,224she goes for it, hook, line, and bobber. (I hate sinkers. My bait always gets stuck in the muck when I use them.) Anyway, I shouldn't waste a lot of time doing blow with Grade E. He's parked at the far end of the parking lot. And guess what.He's not alone. From a distance I can see two guys, bobbing heads.They're doing toot, and it looks to me like they'redoing it the old-fashioned way--with a straw and mirror.225Wonder whose crankthey're snorting. Wonder how short the ball willbe. [The two-hundred-dollar price tag makes sense now.We're getting street crank, not ice.] Wonder how cut it will be. I pull into a near parking spot, and when I do, the face that jumps into viewmakes me forget about every question I had only secondsbefore. He's dark and cute and he looks like Hunter.It's Brendan, and I want to puke.226But I Can't PukeI can'tturn and run andI can'tlook weak andI can'teven get nasty until the deal is done.Brendan flashes a smile lacedwithevil. I can't stand him. I despisehim.And now I have to look him in the eye?I won'tgive him the satisfaction of turning away.I won'tget in his face, or out of his face.I won'tgive up my secret.227No, I will never, ever, not in a billion years, contess the unimaginable result ot his despicable act, that it created beauty. Will never contess thatmy son[can evil be genetic?] is his son.228I Had HopedNever to see Brendan again, but I guess it just goes to show that as much as Reno has grown, it's still a compact city. And just my luck, Brendan still lives in it.I'll take the high road and if the low road seems necessary,I'll let Bree get behind the wheel. One thing for certain, though, I'm not getting into Grady's car.I roll down my window; Brendan does likewise and I speak past him. "Hey, Grady. Thanks for waiting.Come over here, will you please? I'd rather handle this in private."229Aren't you going to say hi? Each of Brendan's words is a stab. I heardyou had a baby. Deep stabs, severing arteries. You look good, anyway.Ever chivalrous, that would be Brendan. "Hi, Brendan. Yes, I had a baby. And you lookexactly the same. Grady, will you please come here?"Grade E obliges. I shut mywindow, turn my back onBrendan. [Why didn't you do that before?] Bree? Lecturing me? Am I totally schizo or what?230The Worst Thing IsBrendan knows I'm back in the monster's snare. And what a coincidence. [Coin cide is two four-letter words!] Shut the hell up, Bree."I didn't know you and Brendan were friends," I say as Grade E slithers into the front seat beside me. "I didn't know he had any friends."I wouldn't exactly call us friends. More like business acquaintances. Grady winks, hands over a bindle.Even without opening it, I know it's short, and I can feel it's mostly powder. What kind is uncertain.The look on my face must say volumes. It isn't the best crank I've ever seen, but it works."You got this from"--I wag my head backward--"him? Did he know it was for me?" [You mean for Dad.]231The thought brings meager satisfaction, especially after Grady says, Um, I might have told him. What's up, anyway?I shrug. "We have a history. And it wasn't exactly romantic."[Nope, not with him. Never was.]Grady gets down to business. Ahem. So the eight ball is two hundred. Are you going to share a little?I open the bindle. Short, okay. Bree handles the clod. "Looks to me like you already took your cut. Yes?"His face flares but he has to admit, We did a couple oflines. Not much of a finder's fee, ifyou ask me."Not asking. Thanks for taking care of this. Now I've got to run. Mom's on a regulär rampage."232Grady pauses a beat or two, as if he's got something to say. But then he exits the car silently.Good damn thing. Not sure I have the cojones (or even that I want them!) to tell the jerkoff, but Bree most definitely does. Let her out of her box and no telling what might happen.I drive away without looking back. No good-byes for either of them. I'll never deal with Grade E again.As I drive home, it occurs to me that this might just have been for the best. Not seeing Brendan.No, that will never be a good thing. What I mean is, the pitiful state of this meth. I'll go out tonight233with Dad and Linda Sue. We'll blowthrough this awful eight ball. Then I'll move on without the monster breathing against my neck, begging me to do one morelittle whiff. That's it, okay. One more all-nighter, then I'll quit cold [lukewarm] turkey.234Dad Pinally CallsA little after four p.m. Guess troll and fairy "rested up" for tonight's plotted devilry.I spent the day with Mom and "the girls," shopping for Hunter's baptism outfit.It's adorable--a tiny white tuxedo, with dancing Poohs and Tiggers on the satin cummerbund.Afterward, we stopped by Pastor Keith's lair. He pounced, a white-collaredtiger, with God's A to Z of baptism. Who knew it was so hard to qualify?235On the way home I mentioned Dad's plansforthe coming evening, omitting you-know-what.The scowl in the rearview mirror said a whole lot more than Mom needed to."Jeez, Mom. I've only seen him twice in the last nine years. Cut me some slack."That's double what I'veseen him, says Leigh, and that's waytoo much.236Still, Leigh Agreed to Watch HunterDad's picking me up in an hour.We're supposed to have dinner, but I'm betting tood is the lastthing on his mind. Mine, too, for that matter. After looking at Grade E's ten-watt crank, I want a toke of my hundred-watt ice.And I don't want to share it. It'smy birthday. I don't have to share, do I? Hey, it is my birthday. Atlast, today, I'm the big one-eight, so why don't I feel any different? Because I'm still treading quicksand, that's why.Okay, I need to get high, totallyout-of-my-head wasted, so Idon't keep thinking about the same old shit, only compounded by all that'sgoing on around here, not to mention hearing about237Adam and having Brendan forced down my throat [not for real, onlyfiguratively], all in the space of twelve hours. Talk about mega dejä vu, of the not nice type. Happy fucking birthday to me. Come on. Let's celebrate!Lucky me, I'm [not even dose]almost alone in the house. Momran to the störe, Scott ran to pick up Jake from his [girl-] friend's house, and Leigh took Hunter for a stroller walk around the block. Heather? Who knows?Who cares? I'm birthday partying with the monster, and we'restarting right this minute.OMG. The rush is beyond what I expected--hot then cool, and my head lights up like casino neon. Startling.238Another whiff. Double or nothing, two somehow more than twice as good as one.I open my window to let the smoke escape, notice Scott's car come puttering up the street.Can I get away with onemore? [Go for it, quick!]I turn on a tan, spray a big dose of Ozium, dash to the bathroom to do the big three--you know, shit, shave, and shower.Crude? Yeah. And bound to get cruder as the eveningprogresses. It's Bree'sbirthday too, and for a change I'm going to let her cut loose. After all, you only turn eighteen once.239All SpiffyI go downstairs, where the whole crew has once again gathered. Suddenly everyone Starts to sing,Happy birthday to you...Even Hunter seems to coo along. It's enough to almost make mefeel guilty. Almost. Leigh gives me a huge hug.You made it. Happy birthday.She hands me a big package, all done up in chartreuse. [Heather must have chosen the wrapping paper. It sucks.]Go on. Open it, urges Leigh.It's a leather trench coat, and not an inexpensive one."Way cool! Thanks a ton!" I slide into it, cinch it up.You look great, says Scott.240Mom comes over, puts one hand on each shoulder, looks me straight in the eyes. [Dilated--will she notice?]I want you to know I'm proud of you.Okay, that has to be a lie. But it makes metear up anyway. "Thanks, Mom." [Even if I don't believe you.]Promise not to stay out too late.'TU do my best." Okay, so I traded a lie for a lie. No doubt everyone knows it."Oh, there's Dad now."Don't tell him I said hi, jokes Leigh.At least she found her sense of humor. I kiss Hunter on the forehead. "Be a good boy. Tomorrow's your big day."He gurgles and smiles. He loves me.241I Love Him, TooBut I have to admit I don't think about him more than a couple of times as Dad, Linda Sue, and I dive into the half-ass crank.Dad's got a big glass tray, which he sets on the cracked Formica table in their dog-eared motel room.Let's see whatyou've got there, he says."It's..." I think about apologizing, but decide to wait until he comments.He opens the bindle, says nothing about the powder inside. It's what?"A little shy, I think. The guy I got it from took his cut up front."Ah, well, a dealer is a dealer, I guess. Dad draws huge lines.242He hands me the straw. The birthday girl always goes first, right?One long, deep inhale up the right nostril, followed by another up the left.Oh, it's been a very long time. Probably a good thing the purity is only maybe60 percent. My nose complains, anyway. [I'm complaining. I want ice.]Oh, yeah, says Dad. That's what I'mtalking about. Hey, L, how about you?The fairy shakes her head. I don't know. I don't like being high in public.You'II be fine. Everyone's high in Reno on Saturday night, right, little girl?"I haven't been out on Saturday night in a long time, but I doubt it's changed243much since the last time. It's definitely an up-all-night kind of town."See.7 He slides the tray under her face. Anyway, tonight's a special night.A girl only turns eighteen once, youknow. Let's give her a night on the town.I'll never forget the first night Dad gave me a "night on the town."Only it was really Adam that gave it to me. Dad just tagged along.And we didn't go anywhere except the back room of a bowling alley.Too many ghosts in that memory. Oh, well. A few more lines [evenhalf-ass lines], I probably won't care. In fact, I'm almost there already.244In RenoThere are three kinds of nights on the town:good clean fun, like skating or movies or [God forbid] bowling, boring and safe and definitely not what Dad's got in mind; totally nasty, like swap clubs or strip clubs ortitty shows, places that check ID, and eighteen won't get you inside one of those; and games of chancesports betting or black-jack or slot machines, guaranteed to suck you dry.Eighteen isn't old enough for casino betting either, but all it takes is a game plan, and dear old Dad has already figured a strategy.245Dad Chooses the "Big Three1The Silver Legacy, Eldorado, and Circus Circus casinos are all connected by skyways.We can play at one for a while, then move to another, That waywe won't draw much attention to ourselves. Sound good? Table games are riskier, so we'll hang out in the big banks of slots, nickels unless we get lucky.I have to admit it's kind of exciting, and not the unlikely idea of winning but of maybe getting away with playing.Ifyou win really big, they won'tlet you keep the money, but anythingthat drops in the trayisyours, Dad says. Let 's take a snort, then go give it a try. He pulls out his little amber bottle, the one with the tiny silver spoon attached to the lid by a little chain.246The crank is definitely mediocre, but it does the job if you do enough, keep going back--and back--for more.I'II go get some rolls of nickels. You two scout out a quiet corner.If a cocktail waitress comes by, I'll take a Coors. Can't fuck that up!What he means is, they bring players freedrinks--notoriously awful free drinks, mostly mixers, to keep on the cheap.We find a nickel slot island, wellback in one corner, away from bars, restaurants, and the main traffic pattern.Foundyou guys. Can't hide from me, jokes Dad, handing Linda Sue and me each two rolls of nickels. Go ahead. Spend it all in one place.We spend a good deal of timedoing exactly that. My machine is a greedy prick, but oh, well.247I mean, I hit a fewtimes. Tink-tink-tink comes the meager payoff.But Dad, now, is one lucky sucker.Guess it's my night, he says, as the nickels keep plunking into his tray. I'm thinking it's time we moveon, with a quick pit stop, you know? A pit stop, amber bottle in hand, he means. And that's just fine by me. This is getting boring, you know?248Dad Really Is Lucky  Linda Sue and I follow him from casino to casino, machines to tables, just watching him win. He even hits big on the Wheel of Fortune, which has the worst odds of anything. Oh, well, I'm extremely buzzed and it's fun watching somebodymn.No one hassles us, no one mentions ID orthat I look too young to be standing around watching my dad walk off with a fair amount of casino money. Of course, it's Saturday night-- actually Sunday morning now-- and the casinos are raking it in,249so losing a little to Dad doesn't mean much. Besides, if no one won, no one would ever play. Anyway, beyond watching Dad, I'm watching people. It's amazing to see how eager they are to exit Reno totally broke. So many ATM machines, so little time to drain them dry!Dealers in black slacks and white Shirts. Cocktail waitresses in tight, tiny skirts and super-deep necklines. Janitors, in jump-suits and spit-shined shoes. Scowling pit bosses in perfect tuxedoes. They're all fun to watch-- covertly, of course--as they go about their nightly business.250People-watching in casinos is completely consuming. And it's only by accident that it doesn't consume a very important moment in Hunter's little baby lifetime.251See, It's Hard to TellIf it's nighttime or day when you're inside a casino. The windows are tinted almost black, and the neon inside defies the notion that it might be getting light outside.But one thing I do finally notice is how the restaurant lines are growing longer. People want breakfast. Which means it must be laterthan I thought."What time is it?" I ask a passerby, and his answer blows me away. Six after nine.Twenty-four minutes until church starts. We're going to be late!252Just let me finish thishand, Dad says, watching the blackjack dealer flip a card and bust. Oh, yeah! Guess I'm cashing out. Why am I cash ing out?I'm on a regulär roll."Cash out, Dad. We've got to go. Hunter's getting baptized in less than halt an hour. I probably ought to be there, don't you think?" The church isn't far as the crow flies, but it's all surface streets to get there.253Dad finds a cashier and we hurry to his car, parked in the garage atthe far asino. Round and round, down to the exit. Straight down Sierra Street to McCarran, Reno's major loop road. Speed limit or under all the way(a good idea, all things considered), we limp into the parking lot, looking exactly like we've stayed up all night, at nine forty-seven. Everyone's inside. Everyone, that is, exceptMom.254I Don't ThinkI've everseen her so pissed, and believe me, I've seen her pissed before. But nothing like this. She lights into us before we reach the door. Nice ofyou to show up for your own baby's baptism, Kristina Georgia. I can believesomething like this from him____spittle foams at the corners of her mouth. But not from you. Where the hell have you been?Dad Jumps in with a monster-fueled lie about car trouble, dead cell phone batteries, and more. He looks like crap and I know I can't look much better, but no timeto worry about that now. "Can we talk about this later? I imagine255everyone's waiting for us." And, of course, they totally are. Baptisms usually happen before the sermon, but PastorKeith wisely forged ahead, assuming [praying] Hunter's wayward mother would appearsooneror later.All eyes turn as we come through the door, and I know every Single pair must ascertain exactly what the problem is.Better not to think about that. Leigh has saved Mom and me seats up front. Dad and Linda Sue sit at the back of the sanctuary.Somehow, we maintain when they call the baptismal party up to the font, repeat a flurry of meaningless256words. Resplendent in his white tuxedo, Hunter smiles up at me as Pastor Keith pours water over his head, makes him a child of God. I was baptized once too, and I silentlyask, "So, Big Guy, am I still Your child?"257Party TimeWell, actually, it's time for the postbaptism reception. I decide I ought to ride home with Mom, who decides not to get into a big discussion now, not with Leigh and Heather in the car and a regulär parade of friends and family trailing us home. We'll talk about this later, she promises, and I think I'm glad I've turned eighteen so I can hit the streets if I must. [Uh-huh, right. With a baby, three hundred dollars, and no place to crash.] Okay, that's not the best idea either. Oh, well. Why worry about it now? Just make it through the afternoon. Get some sleep tonight. Get up early tomorrow morning, start a not-so-exciting Job at the not-so-exciting 7-Eleven. Whoopee!258None of ThatIs so easy to do, semibuzzed and knowing I need to crash, knowing I most definitely willcrash as soon as everyone eats and drinks their fill, goes on home.Except, of course, III have to deal with Mom's wrath, Scott'sInquisition,Leigh's hurt [real or imagined], Heather'sdelight at mytorment, a possible [make that highly probable]confrontation259between all of the above and my father, the troll, and his miserablefairy, Linda Sue. I do feel sorry for her, and I'm starting to feel prettysorry for myself, too. Okay, it's looking to turn out to be a sleeplesstoss-and-turn, dissolve-slowly-into-morning night after all.260Three Weeks and Four DaysSince Hunter became an official candidate for the kingdom of heaven.Three weeks and one day since Dad and Linda Sue left Mom's insults in their exhaust. Three weeks and two days since Leigh and Heather flewback to their swanky campus, leaving me with no unequivocal answers about cheerleaders and their diet aids or what, exactly, lesbians do for fun.Three weeks and three days since I started work at the 7-Eleven.Three weeks and three days of learning to stock shelves, scan items, clear gaspumps, make coffee and hot dogs. Three weeks and three days of Kevin's leers261[notto mention "accidental" gropes] and semirude comments about the growing appeal of my shrinking behind. It even looks good coveredbya smock! A nasty green smock, over looser and looser jeans.Not that I've been into the monster-- not much, anyway. I only have a tiny bitleft, and I haven't looked to score more. I only take a quick toke or twowhen Hunter doesn't sleep through the night and I have to be at work by seven. Quarter tili, actually, but I rarely punch in before 7:03 or 7:04.The job isn't bad, actually. Not great. Not life-changing. But not as boring262as I thought it would be. At least it's around people. Some I even know.Old classmates. Old teachers. [Really old, most of them.] Old party pals.And hey. Tomorrow is my first paycheck. How will I celebrate? Hmm.I have definitely vacillated about scoring again. I want to. Don't want to.Need to. Can't. Bree is screaming for the monster. Kristina keeps trying to say no. But somewhere deep inside she thinks Bree will win.[You know you want me to.] The only real question is when.263The Question Is AnsweredWith a phone call. Unexpected. Anticipated. I happen to be on a smoke break (yes, I've taken up the habit again--big surprise) when my cell begins to chimeKristina? It's Trey. I'm in Reno. Can we hook up?OMG! He wants to hook up with me? My heart Starts to pound, and my hands go clammy. And then it strikes me he probably wants the hundred I owe him.I'd like to collect that debt. And talk about that "intersst.OMG! Maybe he wants more than money. Am I prepared to give it to him? [Hell, yeah!] "I don't get off work until four. I could meet up with you after that."264Sounds like a plan. Oh, are you by any chance looking?Looking for what? [To score, idiot] "Um ..." I'm not looking, am I? [Of courseyou are.] "Well... uh... yes, actually, I guess I am." Question answered.Great. I'll give you a taste of what I've got. You'll love it.No doubt about that! And I'll probably like the ice, too. I tell him where he can find me, hang up the phone, and go back inside to stock shelves and think about Trey.265I Can HardlyThink about anything else for the rest of the day.I haven't thought seriously about a guy since Chasewent away. And Trey?I don't really believeI might have a chance with him. [Well,I do!]No, I don't think Bree really thinks so either.He's gorgeous. Smart.Built. Has a spectacular connection, unlike GradeE and his rapist connect.I guess Trey's connection266could be a rapist. At leastI won't have to know about it from firsthandexperience. [Speaking of hands, wonder how his will feel, touching me.]Hold on now. I still don't know that's what he has in mind. [Come on. Of course it's what he's got in mind.]Just stop. Won't do to getall hot and bothered on a definite maybe. Anyway,I've got to concentrate, get through this shift.267I DoBut somehow my drawer comes up a little short. No problem. I'll make good on it. Oh my god, the anticipation is making metotally insane!Every nerve in my bodybuzzes, high-voltage want.I want to gethigh. I want to be kissed.(How long it has been!) Iwant to givemyself away.I want to bestunned by passion so intense it knocks me right off my feet, down to my knees, where I know I'll surrender to this luscious i n s a n i t y.268I Grab a Few DollarsFrom the cash stash in my purse, round out my drawer, stow my inelegant green smock on a hook in the back room, run to the bathroom to take a quick peek in the mirror. My hair is pulled back in a tight ponytail. I let it loose, and it falls past my Shoulders, shiny and smooth.Mascara! I search my purse, to no avail. Guess what I've got left from this morning will have to do. I don't look bad, don't look great.Oh, well. Trey will be here any-time. Luckily, I keep my birthday bread in my wallet. I count out a hundred, tuck it into my jeans.I wish I was wearing the tight ones. These leave plenty to the imagination, a defense against Kevin's obnoxious Stares.269Okay, breath mints. A spritz of nice perfume. (Jake's unexpected birthday gift--who told him how to shop for fragrance?)I walk out the door just as Trey pulls up in a stunning new black-on-black Mustang. Guess he's doing okay.He exits his car, comes over, and gulps me into his arms like we're forever friends. Great to see you. Let's go for a drive."Nice ride. Guess I wouldn't mind checking it out." [Way to play it cool. But I can't wait to heat things up.]270He Cruises SlowUp Virginia Grade, a well-kept gravel road into the boonies. I study his face, chiseled and handsome, even in profile, the not-quite-black shade of his eyes.He asks how I've been, what all I've been up to, and my focus shifts to his lips, pouting and perfect. As I outline the last three weeks, I notice the breadth of his Shoulders.He's built, so he must do something besides deal, something physical.His bicepsdon't deny that notion. They tense as he shifts, making me tense too.His thighs271lean but strong, make me even more tense. [Go on. Touch them.]He's the whole package, okay, and I want to unwrap it, explore what's inside, under the denim.272He Finds a SecludedParking PlaceThis looks okay, don't you think?I agree, "Looks good to me."Hope you 're ready to rocket.I give a brisk nod. "Way overdue."Excellent. He loads his pipe, hands it to me. I can't help but smile at the meth--a clear shard of glass. I inhale gently, gratefully, pass it back for him to do the same, dose my eyes to ride the giant rush.Trey is generous. Within a few minutes, I have climbed to a very tall buzz.So what do you think? Was I lying?"It's the best meth I've ever done."He touches my knee. You want more? "Absolutely." [And more glass, too.]273The price drops a lot for a quantity. Heat pulses at my temples. "Like ... ?"We could get a half for eight hundred. If we split that, double last time, for...It's just sitting there, waiting for us.I owe him a hundred, plus four...To help my decision, he passes the pipe. "I get paid tomorrow. Can you wait?"I'II be here. But I don't want to wait for...We're kissing. Long. Deep. Amazing.My head spins and my heart pounds and Bree is demanding more, more, and suddenly, there is no Adam, no Chase, and there never, ever was.274I StopBefore things go overboard.Stop?Stop before I want to.Stop?  Can't stop.Don't," I plead. "I can't."Why not?"Not on a first date ..."Come on!"... even if it isn't a date."Tease.Dejä vu. "Not even."What then?"Try me on a second date?"Andif ldo?"No promises, but kiss me like that.Andif ldo?Ifl kiss you again now?"It's still our first date275A girl with principles?"Most would argue with that."Maybe I like that."Maybe I like you."Maybe I like you, too."Well, then let me tell you a story____"276Twenty Minutes LaterHe knows more about me than anyone but Chase does. In fact, he knows more about me than Chase does, because he knows exactly how I feel about Chase. Adam. Heather. Leigh. Jake. Scott. Mom. And Brendan. He knows all about Brendan.Ten minutes later he could be a total jerk, tell me my past has nothing to do with him. He could say, Put out or get out. But he doesn't. He says, You weren't to blame. The meth was not to blame. Only that asshole was to blame. In a fairer world, he would be dead.277I'm crying now, crying because I'm high. Crying because he cares, or at least pretends to. Crying because it fucking feelsgood to cry. Trey takes me solidly into his arms, tellsme, No shame in crying, Noshame in hating. Go ahead, hate him. He deserves that and more.Then he kisses me again. Tender, this time. Soft. Unexpectedly compassionate. I kiss him back. Tearful. Needy. Filled with questions. Hungry. Finally, he pulls away. I'II take you back to your car now. And I'll wait for our second date. As long as it's tomorrow.278Not a WinkOf sleep tonight. I know that without trying. Even if I wasn't totally wired out of my tree, thinking about Trey would keep my mental wheels turning. Churning.I managed to choke down dinner, a major accomplishment. Meth usually makes me yak. But not tonight. Tonight, all I could think about was Trey. Trey. Trey.After dinner I played with Hunter, watched TV with Mom, Scott, and Jake, like nothing was new, nothing different. But everything's different. And I'm scared.279I mean, yes, I'm happy. Excited, even. But nothing seems to go right between me and a guy. [Stop overthinking it, would you please?] I'm trying to!I really like Trey a lot. He's incredible. So what does he want with me? Besides the obvious, that is, and he could get that with pretty much any girl. Why me?One more thing bothers me, but just a little, because I'd probably be doing it anyway. The meth. Is it a requisite, a necessary part of a relationship with Trey? Which would come first? The meth? Or me?280I 'm QladI have a little of my own stash left this morning. I'd never make it through work otherwise. It's damn little, but enough to help me shake off the no-sleep goofiness. And hey, later today I'll have more than enough to make up for it.At least Hunter didn't need attention before I got up, got dressed, and left for work, three whiffs of ice my only breakfast.I know I should eat something. Just don't know how to manage that, with my stomach turning cartwheels. The meth is only half to blame. The other half is my brain, which won't leave Trey at the back of it. He's front row, center.281I'm in a pheromonefog as I make coffee, stock rows of cigarettes, mop up a customer's mistake. Mindless work, and there's always more when I'm finished with what I'm doing. Except when it gets busy, I leave the cash register math to Midge, who's unusually friendly today.Not a great thing on a day like today. She chatters about her grandkids, only half the time the apples of her eye. Today, to listen to her, they're angels with straight A's.Then she moves on to diss her retired husband, AI, who watches television all day, every day. He loves those damn soaps, she says. Idiot TV. He won't even consider really goodshows, like Oprah or Montel.282Just before lunch, Kevin comes in, payroll in hand. He gives Midge her envelope, calls me into the back room to offer mine. Okay, that's a little weird, but what am I going to do, say no? As always, his eyes creep up and down my body. Here it is, in all its glory, he says of my pitiful paycheck-- $329 and change.He pauses, assessing me in some way I can't put my arms around. Finally he says, You're worth a lot more than minimum wage, but I can't off er a raise until you've been here six months.Another, closer gawk. Uh, some of my other girls work a side job, which pays extremely well. Would you be interested in something on the side? Interesting choice of words.283Now it's my turn to study Kevin, all wolf, on certain prowl. The way he's looking at me makes me very uncomfortable. But I can handle him, can't I? [Probably not, but I sure can!] Bolstered by Bree's cheerful assurance, I answer, "Well, maybe. Like, what kind of work?"Customer service, ofa sort. He reaches out, runs a hand softly down my arm. The crystal in my System responds, lifting a good crop of goose bumps, which Kevin is all too happy to misinterpret. He smiles a lupine smile.Ah, you just might be a goodcandidate after all. I thought you might. The Job is easy work, really. Let's just say I've got a list of clients interested in Videos starring young women of your caliber.284He's a porn dealer! I knew it! Okay, I didn't know that, specifically, but it doesn't surprise me. Part of me is revolted, part fascinated. What kind of Videos, exactly? Do I know any of the girls? Would I ever stoop that low? [How much does it pay, anyway?]I formulate a careful answer. "Uh, I don't really think so. Not now, anyway. I'm still getting my figure back, and I don't have a lot of spare time, with the baby and all. But I'll think about it, okay?"285We Leave It at ThatAnd it isn't until I run to the bank on my lunch breakthat it comes to me Kevin thinks I'm some sort of whore.I don't see myself that way at all. Open-minded, yes. A druggie, sometimes. An unwed teen mother, for sure. But a sleep-around? No way. Never.So why am I so hot for Trey? Sex with him is definitely not out of the question. Maybe even tonight. So am I a whore?[I am!] But I'm not. I want more than just sex. I want a relationship-- someone to love and to love me. Will Trey be that? I don't know.286The attraction between us is sexual, yes. But I think there's something more. I thought so the first time we met, and yesterday confirmed it.He could have played games. Didn't. He could have played rough. Didn't. He could have insisted all tweakers are whores, one way or another.The glass makes me brave, sends waves of sensuality throughout my body. I know being with Trey will be incredible. But will it be only once?Because once will not be enough. Or maybe it will be way too much. Either way, thinking about it makes me believe I'm not a whore.287The Rest of the DayGoes fast. Goes incredibly slow. Midafternoon, Trey calls. Hey, you. We still on for tonight? Great We're all set up, good to go. Where and when can we meet?His voice sends Chilis through my body. Good Chilis. "Giveme some time to run home and clean up. How about fivethirty at the Starbucks on Mount Rose?"Five thirty it is. But I doubt you'll need coffee. He hesitates, as if deciding what to say. Finally, pay dirt. Kristina? I can't quit thinking about you."The feeling is mutual. See you tonight." I can't quit thinking about him, don't for half a minute as the workday dissolves. At last the dock says four p.m.288I race to the house, rush through the door. Hunter is in his intant seat on the living room floor, and from the corner of my eye I see him smile at his mommy.I should stop, pick him up, shower him with love. But I can't slow down or I'll be late. I run up to my room, choose form-fitting jeans and cropped crocheted sweater, decide to go braless.Then I take a long steamy shower, plenty of soap in all the necessary places; Shampoo with ginger spiee; shave my legs with a new razor blade; dry off, apply plenty of lotion.Finally, I put on more makeup than I've used in a year--blush, shadow, liner, mascara, even a smidge of lip gloss. The person looking back at me in the mirror isn't me.289[No, it's me. Thanks for letting me out to play. And BTW, the no bra decision? Good one!] Bree and I are ready to go. We just have to make our escape.Mom is in the kitchen, working on dinner. Jake is watching TV in the living room. "Hey," I call to him, "I've got something to do. Will you watch Hunter for a few?"He turns, assesses, understands the gist of what he sees. Maybe. What's in it for me?He loves Hunter, offen babysits when Mom can't play nanny. But it's only fair I pay him something. "Ten dollars?" I offer.290Okay. But don't stayout too late. And what shouldI tell Mom?Mom. Oh, yeah. Hell have to tell her something. Not like the subject won't come up betöre too very long. "Tell her..."What should he tell her? Oh, what the hell. Why lie about it? Not like I'm grounded, and I did set up the babysitting. "Tell her I've got a date."291She"ll Want to KnowWhy I didn't tell her myself.Want to know who I've got a date with. Want to knowwhat we're doing on ourdate. Where we're going. Exactly when I'll be home.Sorry, Mom. Not in the mood for the third degree. Not now, anyway. So we'lltalk about it later. Hey, maybe there won't be anything to lie about.The Wedge ParkwayStarbucks is a fifteen-minute drive, with notraffic. This evening, lots of traffic, it takes forever. Trey is already there.I can see him through the frosted window, sipping something292and watching tor me.He Stands when I go inside. A gentleman?Unusual, but I like it.He pulls meto him, kisses me easily on the mouth, elicitingjealous stares from customers and salesgirls.I inhale his masculinescent: Brut, tainted slightly by a tinge of ice. But hey, I'llbe tainted soon too.[More ways than one!]You thirsty? Hungry? he politely asks, and it makes me feelspecial that he bothers.He isa gentleman! [He's a player.]293I Don't CareIf he's a player. He plays well, nd I'm ready fora challenge. Besides, I know the rules of the game.We talk for afew minutes, about Jobs and families and, yes, about Robyn, who's only a friend.Finally, Trey suggests, Let's go. Why don't you leave your car here? We can take mine.He has washed his Mustang. "Oh, I do love your car," I say, "although I'd pick red."Well, you know, the cops tend to home in on red cars. Red andyellow. Ofcourse, I mostlydrive the limit, especially on trips like this one. You ready for a party?294I smile. "It's Friday. I don't have to work tomorrow.I'd say I'm ready to party."My kind of woman. He starts the car, puts it in reverse, but before he takes his foot off the brake, he turns, looks me right in the eye. Did I tellyou how great you look!'"No, damnit, you didn't, and I expect a sincere apology."I love Bree's improv.Especially when Trey says,Will this do? And he kisses me--another long, delicious kiss.I pull away, breathless. "Yeah that will do," I whisper, hoarse with heat. "For now, anyway."295He grins and kisses me again. Even better than the first. About the time my heart feels ready to explode, he slams on the brakes. Holyshit. We've been rollingbackward. He stops a splitsecond before taking out an SUV at the drive-through window. We both laugh, disturbing a verytense moment. And we both know we'll be back in each other's arms very soon, expecting more than a kiss.296We Merge onto the FreewayHead north of town, and finally I feel the need to ask, "Where are we going, anyway?" I let my fingers creep up his thigh, feel an immediate reaction. [Mmm. Long time.]To mycousin's house, Trey answers. He's got a new shipment of top-quality ice. I had a taste earlier. Primo."And I was going to give up all my bad habits for Lent. Oh, it's not Lent yet, is it? In fact, I've got months! Right on."Trey's right hand falls upon my left, moves it higher up his leg.Actually, we're moving toward Samhain, he says. Bonfires. Sacrifices. Feasts. Those Celtsknew how to throw a party!297Oh, yeah, he's smart. [Fine, too.]And I am back in the game.We drive north for twenty minutes, turn east toward Red Rock.The rural Community is home to commuters, dealers, and off-gridders.As if reading my mind, Trey says, Brad doesn't live off-grid. Good thing since his wife walked and left him with the kids.Raising kids with only solar power could be tough. "How many does e have?" Like I care. The voyeur in me wants to know why his wife left him. His dealing? Another man? Simple boredom, locked up with kids all day?Two little girls, one of them named after me--LaTreya.Gute, huh? She's cute too. Looks just like her mom.298We turn off the main road, into a relatively new neighborhood. It's getting dark, but even so, I can see that one house pretty much resembles the next. "Glad you know where you're going."Yeah, the houses are cookie-cutter, okay. Main difference is the colors. Incognito, that's how Brad lives, and that's good.As we pull into the driveway, I notice movement behind a curtain. We climb out of the car, into sweet high desert air and it strikes me how normal we must look to the neighbors. Family.Trey slides his arm around my Shoulders and I love how that makes me feel. Here, now. You're my new girlfriend, okay?299I don't know if he means for real, or for the benefit of the kids, but either way, I'm fine with it. I'm someone's new girlfriend, at least for the moment. "Okay." I wrap my arm around his waist. Seamless.300A Little Girl Opens the door. She's about six and looks like an Irish doli--with bright green eyes and soft red curls. Daddy! It's Trey!Trey reaches down, scoops her up. How's my little Devon tonight!'The affection between them is clear.The doorway shadows. Brad is younger than I pictured him, somewhere in his late twenties, and there is a definite resemblance to Trey. Okay, you get what I mean by that. For an older guy, he's really cute. LaTreya Stands behind him, attached like a tail.Trey pushes inside, reaches around Brad to tickle LaTreya under the chin. She can't help but giggle. Stop it, Trey!Trey reaches for my hand, pulls me across the threshold. Hey, everyone, this is Kristina. He kisses my forehead. Isn't she pretty?301The kids give dubious looks, and I suspect a fair amount of jealousy. They want to be his girls. [Tell them to get in line.]Brad, however, gives me his instant stamp of approval. She sure is. Luckyyou. Go on upstairs. Ladies, you can watch TV, okay?Devon gives a little Aw, but LaTreya, who's older, knows enough to take her into the other room and turn on the oversize flat panel.I trail Trey up the stairs to a studio over the garage. Like the rest of the house, this room is nicely kept, with a quilted bed beneath the window and a fluffy futon against the opposite wall. Apparently, this is the party room. A faint scent of crystal lingers above vanilla air freshener.We settle onto the futon and Trey puts his arm around my Shoulders, pulls me dose.Brad looked like he wanted to eat you.302I do too. And I've got first dibs. Don'tworry. I promise it won't hurt, unless youwant it to. He nibbles my neck for effect.Thankfully Brad's footsteps interrupt, or I might have let Bree throw Trey on the bed right then and there.Brad can't help but notice the way I'm blushing. Wow, cuz. What did you do to the girl, in only three minutes?Trey answers with a laugh. Three minutes is a long time to wait. We were getting bored.I can fix that, says Brad. I've gotjust the thing right here. He goes into the bathroom, digs in a cabinet, returns with a quart Tupperware container. It's filled to the brim with the same crystal Trey had yesterday.303My eyes go wide and my mouth Starts to water. Just call me Pavlov's pooch. And within a tew short minutes, no way could we be bored. Despite no sleep last night, I'm wide awake and flying. And the higher I go, the more 1 want more of the guy sitting next to me. OMG. Maybe Kevin is right about me, after all.304We Make the DealExchange our pooled cash fora spectacularstash, one-quarter ounce for me, one-quarterounce for Trey.We smoke several bowls, climb higher and higher, until it feels like my heart might explode, drownme from the inside out with iced-over blood.Damn, it feels great and so do I. [Me too, me too.]Why does feeling like you could die any momentgive you such an incredible rush? [Who cares? Go with it.]305Finally Brad glances at his watch. Oops. Ten fifteen.Better get the girls to bed.You two make yourselves at home.Trey walks with him to the door, pokes his head into the hall behind him, says something I can't quite make out, except for the words"alone time." He closes the door, dims the overhead light, walks to me slowly. Oh, God, he's so impossibly fine I can'tbelieve I'm here with him. His hands cover mine, pull.I believe you said something about our second date?306I should say no, know I should say no. But I don't. "Okay."And then we're on the bed, and our clothes are off and his body is hard and smooth and brown. He kisses me--füll on the mouth, hard on the mouth, and when he moveslower, I begin to tremble. Shiver. Suddenly I start to cry.He stops, rests his chin on my belly, looks into my eyes. You okay?I nod. "It's just... it's been a really long time. I don't know if..."307He grins. It's like riding a bike. Don't worry. I won't let you fall.And then he does things noone has ever done, takes me placesI've never been, and my tears turn to cries of indescribable joy.308After We're ThroughHe holds me, strokes my damp hair, softly kisses my face. And in a moment of weakness, I confess, "That's the first time." He doesn't understand."The first timeI ever had a ... a..." I can't bring myself to say the word, so I try,"... you know."Realization dawns and he smiles, dimple to dimple. Really? Want another one?His touch is like the perfect wave, one you can surf but just barely. It lifts me, thrillsme, nearly engulfs me as we crest together and he knows I had another"you know."309And he knows he'll never have to take it by force, never have to insist You knowyou want it, because he knows what he has just given me is something I'll lust for forever.310We Drift for a WhileWired and tired and toasted. Wetouch and kiss and talk about where we've been, where we might go from here.Back to work. Back to the valley. Backte freaky Kevin. Back to my mom, Hunter. Backte you... but when?Back to school. Back to Stockton. Back to freaky Robyn. Back to my apartment. Back to you... but when?I know it won't be that long. After all, I'm here, and I'll be waiting. And if that's not enough, his connect is here too.311All Evidence of Our TrystSoaped and wateredaway, hair neatly combed, makeup completely gone,Trey takes me [and a wholelot of crystal] backto mycar.He kisses me one more time.Careful driving home. It's pretty late. The cops will be on the prowl.He guides me into my car.I'II be in touch soon, okay?I look up into his eyes, hoping to find honesty. But I realizeI'm not completely sure whathonesty is. Not honesty between a guy and a girl, anyway. "Okay."I drive home, thinking about honesty. I drive home, thinking about possibilities. I drive home, thinking about rediscovery. I drivehome, sifting thoughts of Trey.312Always, in the PastI've measured the seasons by holidays, how we spend them. This year, so close on the heels of the birthdayIbaptism fiasco, and with Hunter still too young to care, Halloween was a non-event. We stayed home, no trick-or-treaters in sight. Never are up here on the hill. Still, Mom always buys candy, just in case.It's been a little over three weeks since Trey and I were together, and I can't get him out of my mind. At work, at home, amidst Thanksgiving preparations, he's all I can think about. Well, Trey and ice. Every morning before work, I get high. Every day after work before I go home, I get high. Not too high, just maintenance high, I'm at the point where that's enough to stay semisane, but not so much that I can't eat. A little. Sleep.313A little.I know I've got to sleep a lot soon. Suffer the crash-and-burn. Come down all the way. But with a fabulous stash within easy reach, I don't know how to make myself do that. I've heard after a while your body will just shut down, speed or no speed. I'm almost looking forward to that. Today is Thanksgiving. I've got to work, so Mom is planning the feast for after four. Turkey and all the trimmings. Ugh! Howwill I do that?314At Least Kevin Won't Be in TodayApparently even perverts celebrate Thanksgiving. And oh, is he ever the pervert.I hate when he comes into the störe, all steamy and leering. Hate that he won't leave me aloneHis back room "chats"now include touchy-feely games.But I don'tknow how to make him back off. I need the paycheck, don'twant to piss him off by telling him he makes me want to hurl. I think he knows I'm high, thinkhe's high himself, and that makes him even more determined to back me into a corner. Literally.So far I've managed315to extricate myself without getting physical, relying on what's left of my brain to use a little humorcrack jokes about my baby fat or how Mom always warned me against storeroom sex.So far, I've managednotto let him kiss me or touch me under my green smock. So far I've managed to keep him at bay.316It Being a HolidayAnd the Sev actually being open, we're getting a lot of customers. Seems everyone forgot whipping cream orcranberry sauce.We are currently out of both.Personally, I am currently out of cigarettes. I reach for hard pack Marlboros, tell Midge, "I'm taking a smoke break."It's arctic cold outside.They say a storm is moving in. With luck, we'll have snow before Christmas. As I consider hitting the slopes, my cell rings.The voice makes me shiver.317Hey, you. You at work? That sucks. Well, I'm in town for Turkey Day. I want to seeyou. When can we get together?Trey wants me, I'm there.I know we should wait until tomorrow. But I can't. "Will you come pick me up after dinner?" Mom will be livid.But I couldn't care less.318Livid Doesn't Cover ItI don't announce my plans until I choke down the last bite of pumpkin pie. I managed to eat a little of everything Mom cooked, and even as "maintenance" wired as I am, it tasted better than cardboard.I help with the dishes, then turn to leave the kitchen. Where are you going? asks Mom. Hunterneeds a diaper change.I lift him from his infant seat, sniff his lavender-scented head. "Can you watch him for me tonight? I've got a date." I grit my teeth, anticipate the fall of Mom's ax. It's a heavy swing.You've got a what? Kristina, you can'tbe serious. It's Thanksgiving, for chrissake! This is supposed to be a family day.319"Mom, you don't understand. Trey is here for the holiday weekend. He has to go back to Stockton soon. I have to see him. I..." OMG! I'm ready to admit it for the first time."... I'm in love with him."How can you love him, Kristina? Youhardly even know him. And what about your baby? Don't you love him anymore?Barn! Barn! That hurts, but not as much as it should. "Of course 1 still love Hunter. But I need the other kind of love too. Anyway, I'm eighteen. I can do as I please. You can't stop me from leaving."She draws even, anger flickering in her eyes. You have responsibilities, a child who needsyou. What iflrefuse to babysit?320[Go ahead. Call her bluff. You know she won't let you do it.] "Then I'll just have to take him with me." As if intuiting what that might mean, Hunter puckers up, Starts to cry.Mom snatches him from my arms. Go on. Go out. Get out of my house. But somedayyou'll regret this.321She May Be RightBut I can't worry about that now. I go upstairs, clean up, dress hot. I've got to be hot for Trey. I'm in love with him.That scares the hell out of me. Love is the first step toward breaking up. [Come on. Love makes making love better.]Trey calls to tell me he's almost here. I leave without saying good-bye, wait for him outside, feeling guilty. Anxious.One thing's for certain. I may be in love with Trey. But I'm not going to tell him so. He just might make a U-turn and run.322Headlights. He's here, and I'm leaving, no turning back. The Mustang purrs up the drive, and the passenger door opens.Trey leans toward me, smiles, and there is no baby behind me, no Mom, stepfather, little brother. No leftovers.There is only soft black leather, classic rock on the radio (he remembered1.), the scent of crank-tainted Brut, the taste of Trey.323The Freeway Is DesertedEveryone still at their tables, or catching a football game. Trey drives over the limit to Red Rock today, chancing the odd cop, who doesn'tmaterialize. Brad and the girls are still at the family shindig.We have the place all to ourselves.We're barely through the front door and already kissing like there won't be a tomorrow, and if there isn't, this time togetherwill be worth every irate word at home. Finally, Trey pulls away.Do you know how much I wantyou? Let's go upstairs, okay?324And it's more than okay. It'snecessary. We indulge in a taste of the monster, losing our clothes before we're finished. Then I'm back in his arms and he's doingthose things to me again, those things I've only read about before making love with Trey. They're real.He takes his time, shows me new ways to make him feel good too.Fueled by ice, it all takes a very long while, but finally we bothascend about as high as two people can. Despite the glass, we float in a sea of exhaustion. Trey whispers, Please stay with me tonight.325Cushioned by his arms, it occurs to me that I've never actually slept with a guy before--never had the chance. But I love being knotted together with him. 'TU stay. Wait.I have to work in the morning." He stirs, disappointed. [Call in sick.] "Never mind. I'll call in sick."326We Drift Toward SleepNever quite get all the way there, but tangled in the warmth of Trey, I'm glad I'm semiconscious.At some point I hear noise downstairs, so I know Brad and his daughters have returned safely home.Safe. That's how I feel. Safely home, in Trey's arms. And some stupid part of me mumbles, "I love you."He moves and I wonder if he'll get out of bed, make that wide U-ey. Instead, a rain of soft kisses falls over me. And suddenly, we're making love again. Sweaty, wonderful, don't-want-to-sleep-anyway love. When wefinish, Trey props himself on one elbow, looks into my eyes, kisses my forehead and says, I love you, too, Kristina.327I've only ever said that to one girl before. Maryann Murphy. We were twelve and I had this major crush on her.Still dazed by his declaration, I smile at this confession. "And what did Maryann say to you?"He laughs. She said, "Eyew! Gross!" Damaged me for a long time. He pulls me back into his arms. Fix me.328I Must Have Dozed OffBecause I wake to an assault of midmorning sun and, somewhere dose (outside?), children's laughter. It takes several long seconds to remember where I am, all that happened last night.I was with Trey, slept here with Trey, confessed to Treythat I love him. And Trey toldme he loves me, too. Me and Maryann Murphy. Trey lovesme. Trey! Where is he, anyway? Beside me, the bed is empty.I'd say it must have all been a dream, but this is most definitely notmy bedroom. Suddenly I notice, in the adjacent room, the sound of a shower. I could definitely use one too.329I rouse myself, climb naked from bed, and am already through the bathroom doorwhen it occurs to me it might not be Trey in the shower. I take a quick peek. It's Trey, all right, in all his soapy glory."Morning. Mind if I joinyou? I'll wash your back."Trey invites me to share the hot water and after I wash his back, he says, Turnaround's fair play. He washes more than my back.330By the TimeWe're scrubbed and dressed, the dock says 11.16 and I'm glad I called work last night, even if I did have to talk to Grade E.Sick, huh? Graüy's voice dripped skepticism. Okay, I'll let Midge know.Thinking about it now, however, I realize I didn't call home. Mom was already pissed. Now, most likely, she's worried, too.Before I can remedy that, Trey says, Come here. Look out the window.I can't believe it! While Trey and I were all wrapped up in each other, it snowed. And snowed. Inches of white cover everything in sight.Including Trey's car. Hmm.I don't have chains. Wonder how the Mustang handles in snow.331I slide my hand into his."I don't have to work today. Might be a good excuse to stay inside. If you can think of something to do, that is."Doing nothing--with you--might be nice. I don't have anywhere I need to go.First things first. "I have to call home. My mom probably thinks we slid off into a snowbank. Give me a kiss for courage."332Mom May Be WorriedBut she chooses an entirely different tack than I expected.You think I don 't know what's up with you? Why you don't eat? Why we catch you awake all hours ofthe day? Why you stutteryour way through simple sentences? How dense doyou think we are?You're using. I can smell the speed, the tobacco, too.Cigarettes aren't illegal, but crystal meth is, and I won't havethat stuft in my house. Why would you bring it around your baby?You're right. You're eighteen now. It's your life, so maybe I shouldn 't worry about how you live it. But you're still my daughter and I love you.333Well get you help ifyou need it.But you have to stop, and stop now. You 're a danger to your baby. You're a danger toyourself.So okay. Stay with this new guy.Get him out ofyour System. But don't ever bring him home. And do not come back here stoned.Oh. By the way. A Kevin from work calledyou. He wants you to come in Sunday to make up for today.He left a number for you to call....Click. She's gone. That was way too easy. That was way too hard.334They Know I'm UsingWant me to stop, and I know I should. But I don't want to. Don't even know if I could.I want to use right now, in fact. And guess what. I'm not home, am I? "Can we catch a buzz?"Uh, sure. Hey, are you okay? What did your mom say?I'm not going to tell him, don't want him to know. "She said work called."He looks into my eyes. Nothing about snowbanks?Nothing about snow, plenty about ice. I smile. "Nope. Nothing at all."He senses something. So... what's wrong?What can I tell him? That everything has changed, everything is changing still?335That even though I wanted that change, initiated it, fueled it, part of me wants to go back to last summer, before Bree reawakened, before I went looking for the monster.Before I met Trey. Should Isay that, even though he has assuagedcertain hungers, brought me to a level of love I didn't believe I would ever experience, fear of losing him later makes methink it might be better to lose him now? [Don't even think it.You don't wantto lose him ever.]"Nothing's wrong. Everything's perfect."336It's Late Saturday AfternoonBefore Trey takes me home. Two whole days, and two whole nights, together. We played in the snow with the girls, watched movies on Pay Per View. Got high, talked with Brad. Talked with each other. Kissed. Talked. Kissed some more.Last night was magical, filled with monster-fed sensations, sleepless hours in each other's arms and declarations of love. Night spilled well into morning. I wanted it never to end. But all great things must end sooner or later. The plows have been busy, the roads cleared. Trey has to go back to Stockton. And I have to go home.337Before we leave, Trey and Brad wander off for a private conversation. Nosy me eavesdrops as best I can. I don't hear all the details, but do understand that Brad is fronting Trey a quantity above and beyond his personal stash. What I learn isn't surprising, but does make me worry a little. Trey, it seems, buys books and food by dealing at UOP.I ask Trey to make a stop on the way. I run into Target for a lockbox, large enough for a stash and some money, small enough to fit under the seat of my car. No way will I bring anything in the house. From now on, it will reside in the LTD.338Trey pulls to a stop at the bottom of our driveway. I told him it's steep and icy, both true. Didn't mention my mom's orders never to bring him around.I'II be back at the semester break, he says. Well have lots of time together then. You gonnamiss me, little girl!'I'm going to go totally crazy without him. "Of course I'll miss you. More than I can possibly tell you. Please be careful, and promise you'll call me!" At least I'll know he's safe and thinking about me.339I promise. But the phone works both directions. You can always call me. If I don'tpick up, leave a message.I'll call you back. He watches me lock up my valuables, then kisses a soft, sad good-bye.340I've Got a Good IdeaWhat's waiting for me inside. I'm strung. Tired. ScaredI'll never see Trey again, despite his vows of love. Mom is going to yell. Scott is going to yell.Jake will watch, with some sort of bent satisfaction.Hunter will cry, and I'll bloat with guilt for not loving him better.By the time I reach the front door, I've built a barrier against all that. Don't want to hear it. Refuse to hear it. All I want to do is lie on my bed, listen to music through headphones, think about being with Trey, dream about the semester break. Suddenly I feel angry. Out-of-control pissed off at the world.341I yank open the door, slam it shut behind me. Scott Stomps in trom the kitchen. What the hell was that about? Did you have a tight with your boyfriend?The last word drips vitriol.Ifyou think you can disrespect my house in this way you'dbetter think about livingsomewhere eise. Understand?Obviously, they've been discussing options. Likekicking me out of here. Mom comes up behind Scott, carrying a smiling Hunter, and it comes to methat I have the means to hurt her more than she can hurt me. "Go ahead. Kick me out. Hunter and I will go live with Dad in Albuquerque."342Okay, that was semivicious. The look on Mom's face is indescribable--a mixture of disbelief, panic, and rage. She tries to sputter an answer, but Scott interrupts her. Overmy dead body will you take this baby out of here. Have you gone completely insane? He would be dead in a week.What is he talking about? The anger, hot and red inside me, boils over completely. "Do you really think I'd kill my fucking baby? What kind of a person doyou think I am?"I notice Jake, standing in the archway, staring. "What the fuck are you looking at, you freaking little monster?"343Now Hunter does start to cry. I reach toward him, but Momshakes her head. No. Jake, please take Hunter upstairs.I expect a heated spew, but she stays completely calm.Look atyourself, Kristina. You're incapable of caring for a baby. You're off the deep end. Do you want to drown him, too?Her words bring back a dream I had when I was pregnant.A dream about Hunter drowning. Suddenly it's Bree I want to drown. Bree and the fucking monster. Tears well up, unbidden, and Ihave no chance at stopping them from falling. I want to die. But all I can say at this moment is, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."344Not Exactly ForgivenSE MIC On my big bed, swathed in mauve, almost catatonic,O some part of me does understand that I have deserted N my motherhood post, gone AWOL, at the urging of theS the enemy--the monster. But I think, if I can only sleep,C I'll find a way back to the Company of my family. TheyI have io forgive me, fold me in. Prodigal daughter, killO the fatted lamb. The image comforts me. But not as muchU as knowing I've still got a tat stash of ice in my car, safeS inside its lockbox. And I've still got Trey, safe in memory.345November EmptiesInto December and life has taken on a certain rhythm.Bumpy, you might call it. Work. Home. Work again, all up and down.I've tried to keep cool about my use. But I can't not gethigh, especially in the early a.m., have to get to work, deal with that crap.Andthen I go home, deal with that crap too.That brings me down, waylow, especially since I've only heard from Trey twice in two weeks.Still,346Mom and Scott have tried to leave me alone. In fact, they've remained mostlysilent, despite their assessing stares, which must confirm every suspicion. Huntercries a lot, it seems. I do my best to comfort him, but I'm starting to think he screams because he sees me as a stranger, like I'm the baby- sitter. Guiltrages in me, but only whenI finally come down enough to really think about it.347Today I'm Coming DownIt will be a fast crash, and forthat I'm grateful. My body aches. My brain feels like mush. I need sleep, even more than I need food.Recognizing those needs,I haven't played with the monster for two days.Work today was impossible.I don't know how I made it through.Now I'm home, and Mom says, I'm going to the gym and then I've got some errands to run. Jake is at practice.You'II have to watch Hunter."Sure. No problem," I say, knowing füll well that it might be a problem. I give him a bottle, lay him on a big quilt on the living room floor, plop down beside him,348dose my eyes. Tread a pool of murky water, dreams gone stagnant, or brewing dementia. Somewhere I hear a baby gurgling, giggling, cooing. Somewhere I hear a baby fussing. Crying. Screeching ... But I can't wake up. Don't want to leave this place so very near sleep. I have to. Can't. Have to. Won't. No, I'll deal with it when I come up for air. Up from this place I've finally settled into. Sleep. Deep, deep sleep. What is that noise? It won't stop, like an alarm dock without a snooze button.Suddenly I'm ratcheted awake, roughly set on my feet, pushed out the front door. Mom's crazed face parts the cerebral mist. This is the last straw, Kristina.349What's going on? My brain feels like mush. Behind Mom, I see Jake, holding Hunter, who's howling like he's just been bitten. "Wha ... ?"You are leaving. And Hunter is staying. Do not come backhere untilyou're completely sober. And don't even think about trying to take this baby.I don't get it. All I did was take a nap. My head is thick, my mouth unsure how to work. "Wha ... what d-did I do? And where will I go?"While you were sleeping, Hunterrolled under a chair, and gotstuck under there. He was screaming and you couldn't be bothered to wake up and find out why?350Rolled? Hunter can roll? Since when? He's only six months old. Six-month-olds can roll? Why didn't anyone tell me he could roll?I don't care where you go. Live on the street, sleep in your car. Just don 't come back here. And don't ask for money. Gethelp, Kristina.She won't even let me back in the house to get my clothes. Get my keys. She makes me sit in my car while she gets them for me. What do I do now?351HelpI need help. The first person who comes to mind is, of course, Trey. I dial his cell. No answer but voice mail. "Please call me. I need help."Sleep.I need sleep. While I wait for Trey's call, I'll catch a little nap. I drive to an out-of-the-way parking place, climb over the seat into the back.Warmth.I need warmth. Snowon the ground outside, it's freezing in here. No blanket in my car, I burrow into my big overcoat, tuck my face against my arm, catlike.352Buzz.I need a buzz to get me through this timeof trial. Sleep. I'll sleep, then I'll catch a buzz. It's under the seat in front of me and that's a comforting thought.353It's DarkWhen I wake up, dark and bittercold. My thoughts scatter like a swarm of mosquitoes. I know I'm in the backseat of my car, but I can't remember exactly why. Hunter? Somethingabout... Oh, now it all comesback to me. I screwed up.I screwed up and Mom calledme on it. Called. Called?Did Trey call? I reach for my cell. No voice mail. He didn't call?354I punch my own call button.On the other end, the phonerings and rings, finally goes to voice mail. "Would you please call me?" I beg. "I need you." Where the hell is he, anyway?Then I glance at the dock on my phone. Three a.m. Most likely he's sleeping.But is he sleeping alone?355No More Sleep for MeNow that I'm awake, I can feel the cold, whittling my skin, worrying my bones.I want to get high, but I need to eat first. My belly is empty as a Mojave water hole.Three a.m. I'll have to drive to Denny's if I want to eat at this hour of the day.I start the car, de-ice the Windows, wonder why Trey never called me back.Fifteen minutes later, I'm in a pink and orange booth, waiting for my MoonsOver My Hammy. Filling. Easy to eat. Cheap. Guess I won't be eating at home for a while. Maybe Mom was only living. [Yeah, right. And I'm a prima ballerina.]The food comes, served by a stone-faced waitress. Want anything eise?356Let me see. How about a place to go to when I get off work later? "Not right now."The sandwich is greasy and tasty and I eat it slowly, not to savor the flavors, but to killtime, three-plus hours until work. At leastit's warm in here. Safe. Warm. Safe. That remindsme of a night, spent in Trey's arms, at his cousin Brad's house. Brad! He has that big spareroom. It's kind of far from work, but hey, there's a convenience störe in Red Rock, too.And guess what. Now I've got cash register experience. Brad, who's cute.Brad, who's cool. Brad, who has the best connection this side of Mexico. [Give him a call.]357Brad Is Home When I CalI tell him what happened--that my loving mother kicked me out and kept my baby--omitting a little information he doesn't need to know."So... any Chance I might be able to stay with you for a while?" [Tell him you'll make it worth his while.] I tell him exactly that.He hesitates. Uh, well, I never really thought about taking in a renter. He thinks a bit. First off, you are over eighteen, right?"Eighteen and extra," I say, giving him plenty of time to think it over. It seems to take a helluva lot more than plenty.358Well, I can let you stay fora while, I guess. I'm not sure I'm willing to commit to a long-term thing, so well have to play it by ear, okay?Whatever works. At least I won't have to sleep in my car tonight. "Okay. Thanks, Brad. Um, can you remind me how to get there?"359I Finish My ShiftAbout halfway through, a distributor comes in with a dolly fullof boxes.Where do you want the candy canes?Candy canes. Christmas is only a few weeks away.I have toys on layaway for Hunter. Will I get to play Santa?Where will I be Christmas morning?360On the Way to Red RockI stop by the störe, pick up the fewthings I know I can eat when I'm Walking with the monster--fruit, light yogurt, several cans of soup.Probably rather impolite to expect Brad to feed me too.I also buy a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a hairbrush. Mom neglected to pack mine.She also forgot to include mymakeup, but I can't afford more than mascara, at least not until my next paycheck. Paycheck to paycheck. Hey, I think I get that now. It really does suck.As I'm driving down RedRock Road, my cell rings. Thecaller ID makes me361happy. Pissed. Relieved. Pissed.I flip open the phone. "Where the hell have you been?"Hey, you okay? What's wrong, anyway? Are you hurt? In jail? What kind ofhelp doyou need?I tell Trey what's up, but really, really want to know, "What took you so fucking long to call?"I just got your message. My cell'sbattery died and I couldn't find my charger. Just got another one.I hate when someone has an unshakeable alibi. "Oh. Sorry.It's just that I really needed you."Apology accepted. And I promise to try to call more offen, okay? Anyway, it's almost Semester break.362Two weeks and counting down.Am I done being mad at him? For now, I guess. Thinking about being with him againhas got me feeling a little antsy. "Can't wait to see you."Me too. Hey, tell Brad everything'sjake, okay? And let me know how you're doing. Love you, Kristina.I hope so. I need himmore than ever right now. "I love you, too, Trey."363Life at Brad'sIsn't bad. I mean, I've got this great room, utilities included; easy access to the best ice in Reno (not to mention a cool place to smoke it); and I'm pretty much free to do exactly as I please.Okay, I do need to work because I promised Brad fifty dollars a week--not bad. I've been driving all the way to the Sev, which has to change very soon. I mean, with gas at this price, and the LTD rating a whopping nine miles per gallon, I'm not netting a mint from my paychecks.364There's another little problem. And that is from time to time my mom or Scott or Jake happens in while I'm working. It's awkward, to say the least, especially if Mom has Hunter. The Glacier Queen doesn't ignoreme, exactly. But she doesn't act like more than a customer.Mom and I, in fact, have not exchanged more than a dozen sentences since she pushed me out the front door, almost two weeks ago. I thought she might invite me to share Christmas with the family, but so far, not one word.At Brad's, preparation for Santa is in füll swing. I try to participate (mostly because I'm incredibly homesick), but Devon and LaTreya have not as yet identified me as "family."365I don't think they have a clue why I'm here, and I'm prettysure they'd rather not have me here, but such is life, little girls. Still, I do my best to be nice. Very nice.That isn't always easy, especially when the monsterinsists their whining could be dealt with by giving them a good shake, or locking them up in a doset. Okay, not really viable options, but kind ot tun to think about, when they go on and on about cartoons and snacks andWhen is Mommy Coming back?That one really gets to me.366December Twenty-FirstLast day of Trey's finals. He says hell be here tomorrow, but the weather service is calling for a major blizzard, so things might not work out exactly as planned. As my shift winds down, Kevin comes in with the payroll.He gestures for me to follow him into the storeroom. I oblige with a little smile, because I've got a plan of action. Kevin looms in the doorway, makes sure our bodies touch as I pass by. I wait for my check but before he hands it to me, he says, I scheduled you to work on Christmas. I know you asked for it off, but Midge has seniority. She askedfirst. He measures my reaction, which must disappoint him. No way would I work Christmas, but I already367planned to quit today. "Sorry, Kevin. You probably know I'm living in the North Valleys now, and the commute has become impossible. I was going to give two weeks' notice, but I'm not going to work Christmas Day."His tace flares, one shade lighter than purple. Damn, it's scary! You can't just up and quit like that. What am I supposed to do for help? He's actually waiting for an answer."I don't know, Kevin. Maybe you'll have to work it yourself. Or call up one of your little hos. I couldn't care less. In fact, I may as well leave right now. 1 think it looks like snow."368He stalks closer, fists clenched, eyes ablaze. This guy is totally crazed. You will not get unemployment, you know, and I won 't give you a positivereference. You might want to rethink this decision.Come on, Bree, tell me what to say. [You've got a trump card. Play it.] "I don't care about unemployment. But I would like a positive reference. I probably should tell you that I've recorded a couple of369our conversations about your entrepreneurial ventures.I'd hate to see that information fall into the uh... wrong hands, you know?" (Total bullshit, but he has no way of knowing that.) God, this is totally great. Nowhe's like plum purple. You little bitch. I should have known. I'll have to think about that reference, Kristina. Finish up your shift, anyway. Do you want me to mail your final check? He knows the answer.370I Cash My Check(Figure I'd better do it quick), then stop byWal-Mart to pick up myXmas layaway. It's a freaking madhouse, tour days tili Christmas, nogood stuft left, and what's left picked through. Impossible lines zigzag toward the layaway desk.Might as well get comfortable. I'm lost in the Shopping diorama when someone taps my Shoulder. Kristins?Is that you? Wow, you sure have, um,.. changed. The voice is vaguely familiär, but somehow not right for this time and place. When I turn, my equilibrium is threatened. It's Quade, my first crush, the one Icouldn't quite find the courage to kiss. [Oh, man,371why the hell not?] "Quade? It can't be you. Talk about changing!" His spiked hair is bleached on the ends, and his eyebrows are pierced. Metal? I'm guessingheavy. "You look great, though." [Understatement!He's frigging fine.] "What are you up to nowadays?Do you live in Reno?" [Like you could be so lucky.] No, actually, I still live at home, at least whenI quit moving around long enough to touch down there. My band and Ihavea gig at Dr. Nasty's--that new club on Fourth Street. Hey, you busy tonight?"Well, actually, no ... but I'm not sure if they wouldlet me inside. I'm not quite twenty-one, you know."372Quade scans his memory banks. Ah, right. I can get you in, though. He winks. You're with me. He Stands in line with me awhile, and we talk about "the good old days," as if we were ancient.At least he helps me pass the time while I crawl toward layaway. Finally I'mjust about there, and digging for my layaway slip, which of course I can'tfind. They'll have to use my phone number. Oops. Mom's phone number.373Well, let me know Ii you can make it, Quade says. Here's my cell number. We fire up at nine."Thanks. I'll definitely try. The only holdup might be snow. They're calling for a killer storm."Cool. Let me know either way. And either way, stay in touch. He gives me a hug and heads toward the monster checkout lines. I watch him go as the lame layawaygirl says, Picking up a layaway? Unreal!374Layaway Picked UpAnd a couple of leftover baubles bought for Brad and the girls, I drive back to Red Rock. Somehow it still doesn't feel like home, even if it is where my clothes reside; where I go to sleep (sometimes) at night; where I eat (sometimes); where people (strangers) waitforme to come back to. No, "home" is the other direction, in a protected south valley, not here in a frigid north valley Hades hole. [Whattheflick is wrong with you? Remember how much you wanted away from home, only a few months ago?]I do, but that was before the holidays375intruded. I've never been away from home on Christmas before. Mom has transformed the house into a Sugarplum Dreamland, only itisHunter who she has transformed it for. [You're jealous of Hunter now?] Yes. And of Mom [his mommy] and Leigh, who is whereI want to be--snug in front of the fireplace, drinking hot chocolate and munching popcorn while trimming the fall fir free.Iwant to hum along to carols, sneak off to my room to wrap presents [and do what eise?]. Pipe down, Bree! Despite your insistence otherwise, that is where Ireally belong.376It's Almost EightWhen I get to Brad's. The windhas blown up, and it's north-pole cold, but so far, not even a flurry.Inside they're watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. I can't see the TV, but the music is unmistakable.Brad looks my direction, smiles.I wave him over and he follows me into the kitchen, where I handhim a crisp hundred. "This week and next week," I explain. "I lost my Job today, so I'll have to findanother one. Didn't want you to get shorted in the meantime." [How adult of you, especially considering you're just about broke.]377Lost your Job? What happened?I already figured this part out. Might not be the best idea to tell him I didn't want to workChristmas. "The störe manager is a total letch. He won't keep his hands off me. So I quit."That sucks. You could probably sue him, you know."Sure, if I could afford a lawyer.Anyway, how would I prove it, and would I really want his lawyer to start digging up dirt on me?"Good point. Well, thanks for the money. You're welcome to join the girls and me foryet another encore378Of A Christmas Story. They've seen it three times already, but you know."Thanks, Brad. But I ran into an old friend whose band is playing at some new club in town. He invited me to dropby. I thought I'd go check it out."Wow. He looks really disappointed. Be careful. They're calling for--"Snow. I know. I'll keep an eye out, and if it Starts to snow, I promise I'll come straight home, okay?"Did I just call this place home?And why would I promise to come straight here? Whywould I promise Brad anything? He's not my dad. Not my boyfriend. [But more than a landlord, no?]379One ShowerAnd three solid tokes later, I'm off to Reno. The sky is dark, no moon, stars, or planets in sight. A storm is definitely brewing.Trey is number one on my speed dial. I give it a try but, as usual, fall into his voice mail basket. God, that is so annoying! Oh, well,I feel pretty great, and I'm out for the night, and isn't this whatfreedom is all about? I cruise down Fourth, locate Dr. Nasty's.The name is perfect, the club a dive. I dial Quade's number, tellhim I'm here. He says to come around back. He'll let me in.Gladyou could make it. Quade gives me another hug, and thistime it's longer, warmer. Come on. It's just about showtime.380I follow him backstage. Threeguys, all dressed in personalized leather and Piercings, give Quade a nod. You can hang here, okay?"No problem." I grab a stool as the band takes the stage, launches a hard metal song guaranteed to blow eardrums.Not my tavorite music, but they play it well, one song crashing into the next,Quade leading the charge with his bass. By the time they take a break, my earspound and mythroat is parched. Quade comes up, puts his arm around my Shoulder. Thirsty?The best I can do is nod. Me, too. I'll get us drinks.What's your pleasure?381[Dangeroiis question.] "Um ..." I've never been much of a drinker, and I'm not even sure if he's offering alcohol. "Whatever you're having."He takes off in search of drinks.Meanwhile, one of his bandmates comes up. Hi. 1'mJeremy.You're Quade's old friend, huh?I'm not sure why, but I smile a come-on smile. [Wayto go!]"Well, I'm not that old, but we've known each other a long time."That was a lot to say with cotton-mouth, and Jeremyhas a cluewhat that means.Now it's his turn to smile, and now I know where this evening could go.Partying with the band? Isn'tthat every girl's dream?382It Was a Definite PartyAnd one that went way too late, especially considering I was the one donating most of the ice.Quade didn't touch it, but his buds all did. He watched, more than a tad disapprovingly, but never said a word.He drank. A little. Smoked pot. A little. But no meth, and no tobacco. Bad for the vocal cords, he claimed.I did it all. Enjoyed doing it all, surrounded by three decent-looking dudes and one who resembled a raccoon, with black circles swallowing his eyes and pointy (who knows why!) yellow teeth.Anyway, it was tun. And I have to admit, Trey or no Trey, my attraction to Quade is strongerthan ever.383Yeah, yeah, part of that's being buzzed and wanting to be kissed. More is wanting that missed-chance kiss.As I was leaving, Damian (Raccoon Man) pulled me aside. Hey. Can you score more of that crystal?"Maybe," I said. "But it isn't cheap," added Bree, recognizing the chance to make a little on the deal.No problem. I'll take a ball, if you can get it. And I'd rather pay more than get one that's short.A man [raccoon] after my own heart. I don't need to "borrow" from his if I can come up with some extra cash to apply to my own account with Brad, who I'm hoping will front me some.384Good thing I had plenty tonight, to combat the alcohol. I had half a dozen beers, somethingI've never done before, and beyond the high of the glass is a definite three-point-eight low. That, plus the pot, which I haven't smoked since my days with Chase, have combined to perhaps affect my driving.385I 'm Crawling Home like an old woman, working hard to stay centered in my lane. The car wants to veer right, then left.But whether that's because of my condition, or weather conditions, I'm not exactly sure.It started to flurry before I left for Red Rock. And now it's coming down faster, starting to stick to the asphalt.The LTD is heavy, its tires fully treaded. But there's a long, steep off-ramp ahead.A nerve attack rattles my teeth. The handsgrippingthe steering wheel begin to shake, and when I try to stop them, they don't respond to my commands, as if they belong to someone else. [Get it together. This isn't rocket386science. Remember what Scott told you about driving in snow.]Okay, stop sign ahead. Pump the brakes.Wait! Was that don'tpump the brakes? Shit! I choose middle ground, slideto a stop, turn the corner gradually, head for Brad's. Wow. That wasn't so bad. Looks like it's been snowing longer here, though.An inch or more of slick white stuff Covers the road. My headlights glare off it, and off the falling snow, falling heavier now, splatting the windshield like giant wet bugs, and it just keeps Coming straight at me.387Oh my God, it wants me. Slow down, Kristina! But this time when I semi-pump the brakes, the LTDhas a mind of its own and it just keeps going, wherever it wants, and I can't slow it, can't steer it, and all of a sudden, Wham!It stops, nose down, slamming me forward, against the steering wheel. And I can't move. Don't dare move.388Okay, Not GoodI assess personal damage. Don't think I'm hurt, at least not badly. Beyond a likely steering-wheel-shaped bruise, and having the wind totally stolen from me, I'm all in one piece, and everything seems to work.The car, however, is a different story.It landed facedown in a drainage ditch, one rear wheel tilted off the ground. No way can I get it out on my own. I'll have to walk, and I'd better get going before a cop happens along, not that many cops use this road. Still, just my luck, tonight will be the night one is visiting his girlfriend out here or something.389I don't mind getting a ticket, if that's the most that will happen. But any cop trained as a DRE would definitely know what's up. In fact, it probably wouldn't take a drug recognition expert to expertly recognize how fucked up I am right now. I'll be a lot less likely to go to jail in the morning. Oops.It is morning, somewhere dose to five.It isn't too far, maybe a little over a mile, but it's dumping snow, and I didn't bring my coat. [Stupid.] My feet slip and slide, and before very long, my sweater and hair are frosted white. The cold makes me shiver, the meth makes me shake, and by the time I jam my key into the lock, my fingers barely work enough to turn it.390I tiptoe up to my room and into a hot shower. By the time I dry off, enveloped by warm scented steam, a gray dawn illuminates my window. Outside, the snowkeeps unfolding a canvas of white.391I Sit by the French DoorsDazed and sore, sorer by the minute, watching the relentless storm. It hasn'tlet up since I walked in the door. Trey will never make it today. Guess I'll have to call a tow truck, unless Brad can pull me out with his big ol' Dodge four by four. But he and the girls are still sleeping off their Christmas flicks. Wonder when they'll get up. Wonder if Trey will call. Wonder if some wayward cop discovered the car, scraped snow from the windows, peeked inside, hoping to find something dead past the frozen glass. Wonderjust how dose Icame to not ever wondering about anything again.392After a WhileThe house crackles alive.Footsteps fall, weighted, on the stairs. I get up and trail them down to the kitchen. Brad is at the sink, back toward me, wearingnothing but skimpybriefs. I thought Trey was buff, but Brad'sbody is better. Whetherthat has to do with workingconstruction or only a matter of a few extrayears, I don't know.[Who cares? Yummy!]Anyway, oglingthe hew of his Shoulders and back is not why I'mhere. "Brad, I, uh ..."He jumps and yanks in my direction. Holyshit, Kristina. Youscared the living393hell out ofme! Your carisn't in the driveway, so I figured you musthave stayed in town.The quick move slightlyparts the opening in hisBVDs, Ottering a glimpse of something rather private.I can't help but smile.He glances down, but doesn't make a move to rectify the Situation.All he does is shrug and return my smile.Then it strikes him.So where's your car?My turn to shrug."I left it facedown in a ditch, a mile or so from here."394What? Hey, are youokay? He movescloser, gives me a concerned once-over.He cares? "I'm fine, except for a giantbruise. Not sure about the car, though."Give me a minute to get dressed, and I'llgo check it out. Oh, wait.. .the kids."I can watch them, unless you need me to come too." I hope he says no, in casethere happen to be copsaround. I'm still prettybuzzed. Brad, on the other hand, looks fine.395He thinks for a minute, finally shakes his head.I'II assess the damage.If I can pull it out, I'llcome get you. Ifnot, we'll call my buddy at Reno Tow. He owesme, anyway. Telltale wink.Brad takes off to findsome jeans, and I find a growing affection for the guy who took me in.396Brad Takes OffAnd I go upstairs, seriously in need of a smoke. When I reach for my Marlboros, my cell tells me I have two new voice mails.The first is from Trey. Hey, habe. It's about nine on Saturday and it's raining like insanity which meansit's seriously blizzarding up in the mountains. I'm not going to chance it until it stops and they plow the roads. I'll get there soon as I can, okay?I knew he was going to say that. But was there another-- definitely female--voice in the background?397The second message is from Mom. Kristina? Where are you? Are you okay? I just got a call from Deputy Freed. He foundyour car and had it towed to impound. But he had no idea what happened to you. Will you please call and let us know you're okay? Please?Guess the snow filled in my tracks. Guess Brad's off the hook. Guess Mom might care about me after all.398But What About Trey?I step out onto the back step to smoke and fret about that. Snow falls, insistent, intent. I watch ittumbledown.Was he with a girl when he called, or only somewhere where there was a girl? Am I paranoid? I know, deep down, that falling hard for the first guy to take interest in over a year was not the best idea. But how doyou tellyour heart,No, don't swell with magic, you'll only burst? How do you tell it to clamp itself off from possibilities? GodknowsI don't need more pain in life. Why did I invite it in? Do I have to feel pain to believe I feel anything at all?398 399I Guess I Should Call MomShe answers on the first ring. Kristina? Thank God you'reall right. What happened?I omit most of the story-- the band, the booze, the monster.I do mention Rinning into Quade at Wal-Mart. "We got to talking and by the time I left, there was too much snow on the road."Her voice has relaxed. I'II have to tell his motheryou sawhim. What about your car?"Impound won't be open until Monday, so I don't know how much they'll want, or howmuch damage there is to my car. But Brad's friend has a tow service. We can bring it back here."400Sounds like you're not tooworried about getting to work.Fishing. Definitely fishing.No use not copping. "Actually, I quit my Job. It was a long drive, especially with gas so high."I consider mentioning the pervert excuse, but decide to save it in case I need it in the future.Mom pauses, and I know she's considering what to say next. What about Christmas?I knew it! Knew she couldn't do Christmas without everyone home. That's my mom. Everything401has to be perfect. And how could it be perfect without me? [You're kidding, right?] "What about it?"Are you going to spend it at home? Do you need me to come out there and get you?I've got a couple of choices here. I could play smart-ass-- ask why she wants me to comehome, when she knows I'll only spoil the party. I could play coy--tell her I'm not sure of my holiday plans, could I let her know? But the truth is, I want to spend Christmas with my family.402Still, I don't want to sound too anxious. Atter all, she kicked meout. "Let's play it by ear. If my car is okay and the roads are clear, I can drive down there. If not, we can figure out something."We leave it there, and it isn't until after I hang up that I realize I didn't even ask about Hunter.403I Sit at the Kitchen TableSketching Hunter from a recent photo. Every now and then I look up to watch the snow, I'm lost in a silvery view when a little hand taps my shoulder.Whatcha tfoII??asks Devon. Who's IM.?referring to the portrait becoming flesh on my sketch päd.The girls don't know about Hunter, and I don't want them to know I left my child in my shadow. "That's Hunter. Isn't he cute?"Uh-huh. Will you draw my picturetoo? Self-absorbed, but what can you expect from a six-year-old?"Sure. But how about if I make you breakfast first? What do you like?" I expect a simple answer like cereal orcinnamon toast.404Bacon and eggs and pancakes.Mommy used to cook those.Can you? Some sort of a challenge?"Of course I can cook them, and you can help, if we have the ingredients. Let's go look." I push back from the table, and am surprised to feel a little hand slip into mine. The eggs is in the 'frigerator. She tugs gently.It's the first time I've really realized how much she misses her mother, and she tugs more than my hand. She tugs at my heart.405By the Time Brad StompsTracking wet snow, LaTreya has joined the party.Devon runs over, Jumps up and down, I'm cooking, Daddy.LaTreya keeps stirring a thick, creamy batter. Me too. Pancakes.Brad takes in the domestic scene. Good thing. I'm hungry.Then he turns to me. I drove all the way to the freeway but couldn'tfind your car anywhere. It's either buried or they towed it.406"Mom called. They towed it. I tried your cell, but no answer."Devon happily interrupts, Tina's gonna draw my picture.LaTreya shoots an envious look.How come? What about me?Before I can answer, Brad does. I'm sure she'll draw you, too.But first let's eat. I haven't had pancakes in a really long time.I smile at him and he silently mouths, I need to talk toyou.407After BreakfastThe girls go upstairs to play dress-up while Brad and I wash the dishes. He waits for them to leave the room, then says,I've been thinking. Day care takes a big chunk of my paychecks.How would you like to play nanny?Room, board, and ahun' a week.I make a few quick calculations.A hundred a week isn't much, but it's under the table, and hey, I'll also have food, a place to stay, and nowhere I have to be but here, so gas is not a concern. Just one littlething. "That's Monday through Friday, right?" I still want my weekends free.He grins. Monday through Friday works fine, party girl. And speaking of parties, we can have one later.I just got a delivery last night.408"Are you buying my Cooperation?"Fresh stash, works every time. Whichreminds me. "Oh, one of the guys in the band wants an eight ball."I told him I'd check on it. But noway can I deliver it to him now."Brad grows serious. How well do you know the guy? It's the firsthint of paranoia I've seen. "Not well.But I've known Quade since we were kids and Damian looks like more than a casual user. I don't think they're narcs."Tension falls from his shoulders like boulders off a cliff. If you'resure, no problem. Maybe Trey cantake you when he finallygets here.My turn for tension. "If he getshere. He says not tili the roads clear."Brad's eyes travel the contours of my body. I promise. He'II get here.409Monday MorningIt has snowed all weekend, and several feet of the sticky wet white stuff cover everything. Still, the day dawned critical blue and the plows are busy.Damian got his eight ball. We met at the convenience störe, made a quick trade--awesome ice for a pile of cash, including fifty extra for me. Dealer me.Quade didn't come along. Part of me hoped he would. Most of me knew he wouldn't. He definitely doesn't like the idea of his buddies-- or me--dancing with the monster.Brad is home today. Not much in the way of construction Jobs when you need a sleigh to deliver nails. Wonder if Santa could contract with the Home Depot.410Probably too busy today, it being Christmas Eve and all. I put in a call to the impound yard, but the phone message says to try back on Wednesday. Tick, tick.Higher and higher go those impound fees. Brad says they're twenty dollars a day, plus the initial fifty for paperwork, plus a hundred for the tow. Tick.Around one p.m. Trey calls. I'm on my way. Can't wait to see you. I've got something special for you too. Hope you like the way I play Santa.411Santa Is ComingI can't believe I will finally get to see him in the flesh. Touch his flesh. Taste his flesh, and beg him to taste mine. I want to be in his arms again, sleep in his arms again, and wake, skin to skin. Just thinking about it breaks me out in a cold sweat, sends quivers through me, all the way to the very center of me. How long has it been? Only a few weeks? It seems an eternity. They say the best things in life are worth waiting for, but patience is not my best thing. Still, he's Coming, and will be here in just a few Short hours. So I'll domy best to sit here, arms crossed. Yes, it's going to be an extremely merry Christmas after all.412Around Four P.M.The phone rings and I rush to answer. It has to be Trey, and I need to hear his voice, closer now.Kristina? It's only Mom. What's the game plan? Should I come pick you up for Christmas Eve Services?Christmas Eve Services? A yearly family ritual. But I can't leave. Not now. "Uh, sorry, Mom. I have to take care of the girls." A lie. A big fat lie, and on Christmas Eve! "Oh, did I tell you I'm their nanny now?"Hugely pregnant pause. No, Iguess you forgot to mention that. Well, what about tomorrow?Tomorrow? Christmas. Presents and dinner with the family. And Hunter.[He's too little to care this year, anyway.]413I have to make a decision. Family. Or Trey. Spending Christmas making love with Trey. Easy decision.Mom's still waiting to hear it. Kristina? Do you need a ride?I can pick you up in the morning.Okay, I can't tell her I'm playing nanny tomorrow. What kind of excuse would placate her? Hard answer: none."No, no. Don't pick me up. I'll try to get a ride from a friend. What time are you planning dinner?"The same time it's been yourentire life. You do remember what time that is, don't you?414Snippy?No doubt, and she has every right to snip. Only problem is, right now I'm unsnippable, shielded by glass-plated armor. Another choice: Try to find peace in the twilight zone, orclimb into the monster's rocket and lift off.Plenty of time to get buzzed anon. I'll try to slide into some manner of sleep, to make up for what I'llmiss later. "I love you," I murmur, knowing Trey's not here, but feeling him next to me anyway. Next to...415Voices. Where are the voices? I want to find them. Need to find them, can't say why. But it's dark here.I run, searching, until some foreign vine wraps itself around my ankles, stopping my feet cold, strappingmy body in place while the rest of me flies. Insane! It's so easy to fly, and I rise over ever-green spires, granite cathedrals, slip into the troposphere, surf vertical winds, still seeking ...416VoicesVoices, again. The same, but not. Little voices. Girls. Little girls.Can't find them now. I'mflying.Male voices, bigger. One voice. Two. Two men.Not now. I'mflying towardAndromeda. Cassiopeia. Pisces. Orion.But the voices pull me back.The inferior me--the one that flies--slips back inside its shell, a turtle returninghome.417Home. That word again. The one that makes me want to release tethers, fly away.Don't fly.Must find the voicesinstead.Girls. Devon. LaTreya.Men. Brad.Trey.Trey? I'mflying again, but not away. Flying from bed.Flying from dreams into awake, aware. Flying from dreams toward love in the flesh.418Halfway to the DoorI realize I must look like crap.[Not to mention how you must taste.]Quick detour to the bathroom, and I do mean quick, to brushteeth and hair, dab some pertume. Screw the makeup, except to rinse oft what has puddled under my eyes.Through the door, down the hall, down the stairs and yes, while I flew, Santa delivered my gift safe and sound. He Stands, moves toward me, catches me in his arms, cinches them around my waist, lifts me off the ground. And now we're kissing.419And I don't ever want to stop kissing him, even though the girls are squealing. Ooooo! Cooties! Gross! Oooooo!And we can't help but laugh around our kiss. And suddenly everything is right. Everything forgiven. Every minute apart and alone, forgotten.420We Spend Christmas EveLike a normal family--eating a and drinking and laughing together like we're a mom, dad, and uncle, plus a couple of kids, instead of a father with two childrenmissing their mom and trying not to resent their "nanny," who has stolen their uncle's affection. Not that Trey doesn't play with them. He gets down on the floor, helps them build a puzzle. I watch, thinking what a great dadhe'll make one day. I wonder if he could ever become Hunter's dad. [Stop it. Wishfulthinking will get you exactly nowhere.] Brad builds a fire and lights the Christmas421tree, and if I were six again, I'd be chirping "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" right along with Devon and LaTreya. Finally, Brad tells the girls they have to go to bed.Santa won't come if you're awake, youknow, he says. Come on. I'll tuckyou in.The girls run ahead, and he turns to Trey and me. Hang on. III break out the new stuftWhen he leaves the room, Trey pulls me into his lap. God I've missed you. I can't wait to give you your present. He kisses me, hotter this time, and beneath me, through his denim and mine, I can feel the promise of his Christmas gift soon to come.422Brad Is GenerousWith his personal stash. [He can aftord to be. Have you ever seen so much uncut meth in one place at one time?]Once we're sure the girls are asleep, we help him play Santa, filling the empty space beneath the tree.Gifts spill across the floor.I wanted to make it up to them for their mother not being here, he explains.We share yet another bowl, then Trey says,It's after one. We shouldprobably call it a night.423He pulls meto my feet, and as we start upstairs, I turn to say good night. Brad's looking at us in an odd way. He smiles and waves, but not before I can interpret the look on his face--envy.We tiptoe upstairs, past the pink bedroom where two little girls dream of eight tiny reindeer. My first Christmasaway from home. My first Christmas in my new home. My first Christmas with Trey, and I pray it isn't my last.424Especially as He Gently PeelsMy clothes from my body, picksme up, carries me naked to the bed, like we're on our honeymoon.As he takes off his own clothes, I tell him, "I think your cousin is just a wee bit jealous."Can't blame him a bit. If the Situation was reversed,I'd be jealous too. Jealousthat he could do this____[Can you believe he can do that?]And this....[OMG. No one can do that!] But Trey can. And he does. And I learn something new. Something dark. Perverse, even. But the monster [and me!] embrace it, beg him for more.425Oh, you like that, doyou, you nasty little girl? If Brad were here, doing this to you, I might have to kill him.Either that, or ask him to share.I wonder if they've ever done that--shared a girl. For about half a second I consider asking.Better not. Odds are good I won't like the answer.426Before It's Possibly PossibleThe eastern window silvers, the earliest hints of sun crisp upon an awesome white landscape.A white Christmas, somethingall northern Nevadans hold their coilective breath over.It's the same question everyyear--will we or won't we celebrate a white Christmas?This year we will, and despite the fact that it's just beyond dawn, the celebration downstairshas already begun. Devon:Santa was here! Santa was here! He ate up all the Cookies.427LaTreya, more pragmatic:Holy cow. Look at the presents! How can we ever open them all?Trey pulls me into his arms for one last kiss, Santa was here.Guess we'd better get up.We made love, off and on, most of the night, but he has not said the words I've waited to hear.Should I say them now? I'malmost afraid to, like if I do it will make him vanish into thin air.428I HaveToHave to tell him how I feel, how much I miss him when he's not here. So I snug my face against the pulse in his neck. "I love you." I wait, barely ableto breathe.He tightens his arms around me. I know, and I know how luckythat makes me. Come on. Let's take a shower. He rolls out of bed, heads for the bathroom.I watch him go, wondering just what the fuck that meant to me.429My First ReactionIs anger. I want to jump up, run into the bathroom behind him, demand a reciprocal declaration. [Don't be stupid. Demands are the best way to lose someone.]Now hurt gulps at me. Even if he doesn't love me, after all we just shared, the least he could do is lie. [You'd rather hear lies?]If he doesn't love me, I'm mortified for giving myself in the ways I just did. Those things can only be justified by loving someone heart and soul.[Men are clods. Maybe he thinks what he said qualifies as "I love you."] What did he say? That he's lucky because I love him. Nope, not the same thing at all.Now I'm pissed again. I stomp into the bathroom, clear a spot on the steamed- up mirror, stare at the girl staring back at me, eyes harboring confusion.430Trey throws back the shower curtain. Are you getting in here or what? He moves to the back, helps me climb in past his soapy body. Hot, soothingwater falls all around me, and the herbal scent of Shampoo fills my nostrils. Trey snakes my body with slick, lathered arms. Merry Christmas, Kristina. I love you, too.431By the TimeWe reach the living room, ribbons and wrappingpaper litter every square inch of floor, red and green and gold. Lookie, Trey, shouts Devon. Look at the millionpresents Santa Claus brung. There's even some for you.Trey grins, reaches down and scoops her up.Santa brought a present for me? Where? Show me! We spend the next hour opening packages and watching the girls play with their "million" new toys. My own contributions to the pile are a Barbie for Devon and a unicorn for LaTreya, who insists dolls are dumb. For Brad, I made a pretty card. Inside is a "giftcertificate" worth One Family Portrait by Kristina.432He smiles and offers a thank-you kiss, and it's more than just a friendly kiss. Trey can't help but notice. Hang on there, cuz. Don 't be kissing my girl like that.Despite all the kissing Trey and I did last night, I have to admit some part of me really enjoyed Brad'skiss. Maybe I'm turning into a pervert. [Join the club!] Now Brad hands me a present, small and cheerful in its shiny purple foil wrapper. Inside is a music box, handcrafted of cherrywood, intricately inlaid with goldleaf hearts. It plays "Für Elise," my favorite Beethoven. My eyes lock with his, and what I find glitteringthere makes me slightly uncomfortable. "Thank you.433It's beautiful. How did you know I love this song?"Brad shrugs. It reminded me ofyou. He unhooks his eyes from mine, and his looking away draws a finge of regret.Trey clears his throat. Don't you want my present? "You mean there's more?" I smile. "Of course I do."He hands me a piain brown sack. Sorry. Didn't have time to wrap it. Inside is a pipe--blown glass, milky blue swirls.Luckily, the girls are distracted by toys. I drop the pipe back in the bag. "Maybe we should break this in?"Trey looks at Brad. What time are we supposed to be at your mom's for dinner? I probably shouldn't smoke first.' I glance back and forth between Trey and Brad. "You're going434somewhere for dinner?" [Well, duh. Isn't that what families do?]Brad nods. Uh-huh. Mymom always does Christmas dinner for the entire family. We're supposed to get there around one.I look at Trey, waiting for an invitation to join them. But he just says, I hope she made pecan pie. I love that shit.435I Keep WaitingBut it's almost noon, and still no invitation. We go upstairs so Trey can put on a button-up Shirt. FinallyT I get brave enough to ask, "So, can I come along?"He looks at me like I'm insane. No way. Sorry, Kristina, but that isn't a good idea."I don't get it. You say you love me, but you won't take me to Christmas dinner? Are you ashamed of me, or what?" Ashamed of his tweaker girlfriend?You don't know our family. The only way I could bring a girl is if we were getting married.436We're not getting married. But I still don't get it. "You'd be wel..." Okay, he wouldn't be welcome at my home. But that's different.See? He comes over, puts his arms around me. We won't begone that long.I push him away. "Don't you understand? I gave up spending Christmas with my own family so I could be with you."Uncertainty flashes in his eyes, but only fora second.I never asked you to.437Twelve Thirty-FiveAnd he leaves me alone in my room, simmering, one dick of the burner away from a hard boil, in a big red pot of anger.Okay, true he never asked metosnub my own family, neverpromised to spend this day with me. NeverexpectedI might choose time with him over time with them, but to behonest, I never would have believed I could berejected in such a way by someone who's supposed to love me.So whatdoes that say about the way I rejected those who love me?Do I 438call Mom, tell her I'm sorry, I couldn't find a ride?Do I ask her to come get me, please come and get me rightnow, two hours until the big feast? She would. But she'd also beangry, and I really don't want to spend Christmas day arguing. I'mmad at Trey and, for some stupid reason, at Brad, too. I'mmad at Mom for not being more insistent. Mostly, I'mmad at myself for being such an idiot. I guess I deserve to be lonely.439I Do Call HomeFind myself glad when lake answers the phone. "It's me. Merry Christmas. How's it going?"Great! I got a new Computer. Hey, Mom, it's Kristina.No, no, I don't want to talk to Mom. But it's Leigh who comes to the phone.Where are you? Dinner'sstarting to smell really good.Just hearing her voice comforts me. [You can still change your mind.] "Uli... I'm not coming____"What? But you have to. Do I have to come get you myself?[Just say yes.] "No. It's just, uh ... I'm not feeling well, I've been throwing up all morning."Extremely long pause. Throwing up? Kristina, you're not...Pregnant? No. Can't be. Can I?[You're not really throwing up.] "No, not that. Food poisoning."440Concern turns to concern. Do you need to go to the hospital?"No, III be fine. I'm just weak and wouldn't be good company. Tell Mom I'm sorry about dinner."Heather and I will be here until Thursday. I hope we can see you."I hope so too. I've got presents for you. I'll call tomorrow, okay? Tell everyone I love them."We love you, too. Christmasisn't the same without you.I hang up the phone and half-way through my miserable weep session I realize that once againI never even asked about Hunter. Do I miss him at all? Does he miss me? Does he even remember me?441What Is Wrong with Me?Surely I don't really want to spend Christmas alone. So why didn't I let Leigh come and get me? Why?Instead I chose to sit here, stressing over Trey and his family. Stressing over why I don't qualify to share their table. Is it really any girl that wouldn't make the cut? Or is it just me? Exactly what is wrong with me? What?Well, I'm not entirely alone. I can share what's left of this day with my Christmas presents. I wind the musicbox, open the lid. The sweet melody offers familiarity, and there's solace in that. But there's more solace in442the pipe and what goes inside it. Getting tweaked alone is not what I'd have chosen. But it's better than being alone and not getting tweaked. How long until they get back? How long will I sit here, staring out the window, listening to my favorite Beethoven, all by myself? How long will I hit my new milky blue pipe, all alone? How much can I do?443Turns OutMore than I thought. possible. Turns outmore than I wanted to. Turns out I've gone through a lotmoreofthat quarter ounce than I realized. It'salmostgone and so is my car and most of my money, gonejust like Christmas, spent mostly alone, like a downtown wino, nothing444much to live for, no better place to go, too many hoursleft before tomorrow arrives, bringing with it,... what?Nothing.445When They FinallyCome through the door, one little girl tast asleep on the Shoulder of each guy,I am very high. And also a little bit out of my mind.With the kids in bed, the guyswant to party. I've partiedsolo for hours. Can I partymore, just because I havecompany? [No-brainer. Ha!]Smoking ice is the weirdestthing. I mean, one minuteyou're totally pissed at the world(not to mention the people who populatethe place).446The next, all is forgiven, everything right, and you can't really remember whyyou were so mad in the first place. It's irritating because one of life's truejoys is being righteously angry about something. But load the pipe and the "righteous" partvanishes in a puff of smoke.447SmokeThere's been a lot of that, in and out of my lungs, in and out of my room, in and out of my life, for the past two-point-five weeks.It's Friday, the eleventh of January. Trey and I have been together the entiretime, a long, spectacular semester break, almost over.My car is out of impound, thanks to a generous loan from Brad. I asked Mom, but she was still pissed about Christmas and told meto come up with the two hundred sixty bucks on my448own. I tried Leigh, too, but she's tapped out from her trip. Airfare isn't cheap.Brad's tow buddy brought the LTD home. It's in the garage, in need of a new radiator. The nose-down gig sent the fan smack through the old one.That will have to wait until I come up with a few hundred dollars. The car can usea littlebodywork, too, but not much. Those classic Fords are tough.And anyway, Old Man Winter has seriously arrived. More than five feet of snow have fallen.Not enough plows to go around, even the streets are piled high. No way could I maneuver icy avenues. Trey's Mustang isn't449exactly a snow-country car either. He finally broke down and bought tire chains so we could go somewhere.Mostly we've stayed inside, watching Pay Per View, pulling domestic duty, playing with the girls-- and each other. Just like an old married couple, Brad observed.Trey begged to differ. Except we're not old, and I don't think too many married couples stay up half the night, smoking glass and playing kinky games.That piqued Brad's interest. Oh, do tell me more. I'm living vicariously through the two of you, I hope you know. Please feed my imagination. Trey looked at me, and Kristina flinched but Bree knew just what450to say. "Maybe someday well let you watch. Until then, yourimagination will have to go hungry."Damn, she is brave! I still can't believe she and Kristina share a brain--or a mouth. And now that Trey has to leave, I hope she can show me how to stay strong.451Highlights of the Last two WeeksOne:Siedding with the girls on a long, widetrack down a nearby hill. Towing them up, pushingthem off, watching them laugh--really laugh--for the first time, according to Brad, since their mommy went away.Bonus: Hauling out-of-control down that hill, safe in Trey's arms.Two:New Year's Eve with Trey and Brad, after having madeourselves eat and sleep for a couple of days. Feeling hopeful, like the resolutions I made(less meth, more family, and all the Trey I can get) are within reach.452Bonus: Staying up after midnight without feeling sleepy.Three:Introducing Trey to Leigh and Heather.Okay, Heather didn't really much matter, but it meanteverything for Leigh to have met the guy I'm in love with. I'm glad she agreed to hook up with us, even though Mom was livid.Bonus: She brought Hunter along. And yes, he remembered me.453Every HighHas an equal, measurable low:One:Baking Cookies with the girls. Slice-and-bake dough, a brand-new oven, and spotlessTeflon Cookie sheets, and no matter how hard I tried, how diligently I watched them, I burned every Single batch.Bonus: LaTreya's observation: Mommy never burned the Cookies.454TWO:My first real argument with Trey, after a three-day bender, both of us booming toward a major crash. He had the nerve to mention thisgirl in Stockton who has a thing for him, and tell me she's cute.Bonus: This fabulous information:If I wasn 't with you, I'd be with her.455Three:That schizoid, blank-brain statethat accompanies every total crash. Forcing yourself into that state because you know you have to crash or die.Sweating. Shaking. Running to the bathroom.Bonus:Remembering Leigh's words: Throwing up? Kristina, you're not.456I Haven't Mentioned the PossibilityTo Trey, because I don't really believe it's possible. I mean, I haven't even had a period yet, not since giving birth. Think, Kristina, back to eighth-grade sex ed.How long after having a baby until you're fertile? Doesn't breast-feeding delay that? [Yeah, like you breast-fed so long!] Maybe it is possible. But not probable.I guess I should go on the pill. But those ob-gyn Visits... I haven't even gone in for my Postpartum checkup, and I wasn't supposed to have sex again until after some icky doctor with plastered-on concern put his gooey latex gloves in unmentionable places; pushed here, poked there, manipulated457internal organs, assessing any damage; and finally, like the act could be a gift, checking mammary glands for signs of blockage. [Whose gift--his or mine?]Nope, I didn't exactly hurry in for that. Too late now. [Hopefully not too, too late.] Shut up. I can't be pregnant because I won't be pregnant. There, I've made up my mind.458But Lying HereNext to Trey, who has somehow managed to attain sleep on our last night together, possibility piles on possibility.Possibly, I'm pregnant.Possibly, I've damaged the baby.Possibly, I will choose to abort.Possibly,Trey won't support me, won't even come back to me.Possibly, he'll settle down with the pretty girl in Stockton.Possibly, he'll settle down with some other pretty girl in Stockton.459Probably, he'll break my heart because definitely, I am totally in love with him.I listen to the shallow in-and-out of his breathing, reach for the warmth of him, draw it into the bitter cold well in the pit of my stomach.I will not sleep tonight.I will cry.460In the White ShadovI of MorningHe reaches for me. Rains down on me, showersme with ecstasy.My tears fall upon the pillow, fall upon his skin.It drinks them in.Don't cry, he soothes. You knowI love you, willnever hurt you.But hurt pounds against me now, a hammerof painbeating my heart.I crawl into his arms, lay my head against his Shoulder, a fearful child."I know you have to go. But I don'tknow how to letyou. So just go."461The Door Closes behind him. I pretend he'sjust gone to the kitchen.I worried all last night, I'm all worried out. All smoked out. All talked out.Sleep hovers, just there, and I reach for it so I won't hear the girls' good-byes, the Mustang's rev, the tink-tink of its chains against the pavement.462Chains against the icy pavement.Chains against the snow. It's snowing, I think.Snowing in my brain. I dose my eyes, give myself up to the blizzard.463A Kiss Falls SoftlyOn my forehead, coaxes me awake. A kiss? Trey? Did Trey come back already? How long have I slept?Wake up, Kristina. No, not Trey. I open my eyes. Brad smiles. I was starting to worry. You've been asleep since yesterday. Trey called to let you know he made it back okay. I asked if I should wakeyou, but he said no.The blizzard has cleared, but I'm still pretty fuzzy. The light is soft, secretive. "What time is it, anyway?"After three. You've been out for almost thirty hours. Even the girls were starting to ask where you were.464I'm making a pot roast for dinner. You could probably use some food too. Do you think you can eat?I' m starving!" I look into his eyes, find a stew of concern and humor, which I tap into. "In fact, I could probably eat you."He laughs. I'll keep that in mind. Maybe for dessert? Anyway, we're watchingHarry Potter. Come on down and join us, if you want.Meanwhile, I'll let the girlsknow you haven't left like their mother, after all.465I Still Haven't LeftFive weeks since Trey wentback to school, and life as a nannyhas become the Status quo.It isn't really hard most of the time. LaTreya leaves for school at eight a.m.Devon is in p.m. kindergarten. She catches the bus at eleven. The two ride home together.So I have several hours each day to myself. Funny thing is, except for the easy supply of meth, life isn't much different here than it was at home. I still get up, have breakfast [or not], study for my GED, which I plan to take next month. Only now I care for for a stranger's children instead466of my own baby. Okay, that's not fair. Brad hardly qualifies as a stranger. He's become a realfriend, notto mention an ear for my semi-demented ramblings, mostly about Trey, who stillhasn't learned to call. When he first left, it was easy to believe he was just too busy with settling into the new semester. But now I'm starting to think he has settled into his pretty new girlfriend.Don't worryis Brad's learned council. Trey has never been a master communicator.467But the fact is, I'm lonely, way out here in Red Rock, still no transportation, and no company during the day but a couple of kids. They've warmed up to me some, but I will never be Mommy.Trey manages to touch base maybe once or twice a week. Not enough. Not enough.And there's not enough crystal between here and Mexico to combat my growing sense of isolation.468Alone Everything changes. You might call it distortedreality and as much as I once might have disagreed, now the silencecloses in, like in those B scary movies where a crypt torms around you, walls you in, brick by invisible brick, regret the mortar sealing the chinks, until there's only a tiny hole left, one pinhole between you and suffocation.469One Good ThingI finally started my period, the bad part of that being that it was a doozy. I bled like a butcheredpig for over a week. Don'tknow if that means I miscarried or my body just jumped backin, balls out. Either way, I'm notpregnant. And that is a very good thing, especially now that it's over.I'm markingthe dateon mycalendarso I have some idea when to start being careful.Oops. Don't have to be careful.Trey won't be home until springbreak, and that's still weeks away.[Remember that ob-gyn thing?]Yeah, yeah. I'll get around to it, maybe even before spring break.470Jeez, maybe I can't get pregnant.Maybe having a baby at seventeen screwed up my uterus, confusedmy hormones. [Wishful thinker, aren't you?] Anyway, I'm safe for now. A couple fewer possibilities.471Brad Is a Little Late TonightStopped to see myMexican amigo, he explains. Es muybueno!The new batch is really good. Why is it I don't doubt that?As we eat dinner, my stomach churns in anticipation. I can'tafford to buy much, but I hope-- no, I know--he'll be generous.Homework, baths, then bed!Spoken like a true dad.We help the girls with their assignments, hüstle them off to the tub and sweet dreams. I even read them a bedtime story.Once they've dozed off, Brad knocks on my door. In the mood?472I know he means for a couple of tokes, but something elsecreeps into my warped brain. I'm always in the mood."He smiles, and shows off his new stash, as good as or better than the last.I've been thinking things through for a while. Afterseveral very smooth hits, I say, "You know I'm tight on cash. I was hoping maybe I could off a little for you, in exchange for some personal." His response is long, slow.Do you know people who you can trust? I mean, you've been473out ofthe loop for a while now, and I have to be very careful.He is very careful, has to be because of his kids, and I understand that."Yeah, I know a couple of guys who'd go ballistic if they sawmeth of this quality. Don't worry. I'd keep you my bestest secret."He grins. Itrustyou, Kristina.I just want you to be careful too.You're the best nanny in Reno.I can't imagine being without you.We share a couple more bowls, then he Stands, kisses me on the cheek.Better go. My mind is going places it shouldn't. See you in the morning.474The door snaps shut behind him. My mind is going places it shouldn't too. I call Trey, before my body follows.475The DownsideAbout counting on someone else to help you do the right thing is they're not always available.In Trey's case, that's often.The downside of smoking ice is when you can't get hold of someone, sometimes you get mad.In my case, that's tonight.As usual, I get Trey's message center. Tonight, I need to hear his voice, live in my ear. Where are you, damn it all? Can't you just once pick up?Buzzed, antsy, I try TV for company. But late-night tripe won't backfill the gaping hole inside me. The longerI sit here, the more cavernous it grows.I go into the bathroom, turn on the shower, hot enough to redden my skin, scrub away the building desire in a release of sandalwood steam.476No such luck. All it does is remindme of sharing this small, encapsulated place with the person I love, the one who'ssupposed to love me, but doesn't call.I brush my teeth with the same energy I used on my body, notice a streak of blood in the spit that spirals down the drain.No worries. That's normal, right?Cleansed, scented, hair wet and cool down the length of my spine, I feel like a goddess, jailed in her Olympus. Littlewonder, how the gods toyed with humans.Toyed with women, to watchthem squirm, pollinate the seeds of despair; toyed with men, to satiate their Seven Deadly Sins.I know it's not right, that I haveno right at all to do what I'm about to do. Maybe he'll say no, send meback here to swim in emptiness.477Wearing NothingBut a thigh-length button-up shirt, barely buttoned, I creep down the hall. Stop outside the girls' door, poke my head inside. Lights out. Totally.One step at a time, silent as night, I keep going until I reach Brad's room. One ear to the door. Not a sound. I knock softly and he says, Come in.He's lying in bed, alone in the dark, only moonlight to let me know. I hesitate, but Bree gives me a shove. [Go on. It's only between the two of us.]Brad draws back the quilt and I slither beneath it, into his arms. I was hoping you'd come. Now he's kissing me, and it's nothing like how Trey kisses at all.But it's good. Great. And his strength becomes mine. But before we do more, I have to tell him, "I know this isn't right, but I need you."478And he says, We need each other. How can that be wrong? I still love Angela, and I know you love Trey. Can't you and I love each other too?I haven't thought past loving Trey, never considered loving someone else, especially not at the same time. Can I love more than one person?Would that make me love Trey less? I have no answers now, need no answers now. Except one."Are you saying you love me?"479He Doesn't AnswerNot with words, as if vocalizing his response would give it too much weight. His silent reply is heavy enough.Silent, but for the shush of skin against skin; the sigh of heightened senses; the exclamation of bodies, no longer strangers.480The Problem with SexIs that it changes everything. Brad and I are still friends. But we're a different kind of friends. More than pals. More, even, than fuck buddies. It's like we're stand-ins for the true loves of our lives. And the only way to be that is to let ourselves love each other.When you love someone, you don't want to hurt them, even if they deserve to be hurt. When you love someone, you want to hurt them, even when they don't deserve to be hurt. It's totally messed up, and so are Brad and I. Totally messed up because of--and over--each other.481We don't talk about the future. Don't talk about what will happen when Trey comes back, or if Angela decides her husband and children mean something to her, after all. We're taking things one day at a time. One night at a time.482The Problem with MethIs similar. It changes everything. The monster and I are still friends. But we're a different kind of friends. More than pals, fuck buddies.Six months since we met up again, we are inseparable, an intricate weave. No longer do I believe this is a temporary fling. More like total commitment. More like I have walked down the aisle, holding hands with the monster.I don't think about the future, orwhat life would be like without crystal. It's almost always here, within easy reach. I don't think about what it might be doing to my brain, or my heart.483I know people die from doing too much. But I'm in control. Okay, mostly in control.I am thin. But that's how guys want girls to be, right? I do grind my teeth, and every now and then I lose a Chip from one. But those can be fixed, right? Probably the worst thing is how I'm kind of edgy. SometimesI lose it completely. Once in a while, I even scream at the girls. But kids can be obnoxious and a nanny should keep them in line.Right?484Relax It's not like I hit them. I can stop myself before things get that out of hand. The most physical I've gotten is giving Devon a good shake. She deserved it. I mean, she was crying-- freaking out--because I said no to ice cream after she got home from school. Ice cream? I told her to go watch TV while LaTreya did her homework. Devon screamed, Mommy would give me ice cream and then she just stood there, yowling like a dying cat. Nerves frayed, I stomped across the kitchen, grabbed hercheeks in one hand, squeezed.485"Shut the hell up." But would she? No! She looked me right in the eye. I'm gonna tell my daddy. Definitely not the right thing to say. I took her by the shoulders, shook until her head snapped back and forth. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Her eyes went wide and snot flew everywhere. But she finally shut up and went to watch TV. Okay, it wasn't nice. Blame it on the monster.486Part of My Snappi BehaviorIs being stuck here, no way to go anywhere unless I walk, or wait until Brad can take me. It's like being stuck in childhood again.Fixing the LTD will make life easier, and everyone happier.I called around, and Pick 'n' Pullhas a used radiator and fan I can afford.I just have to find a way to get them, then talk someone into installingthem for me. I happen to know someone who's tool-friendly, and Brad is cooperative.487I'II pick them up on my way home.It will give me something to dothis weekend. Oh, I'm getting a new shipment, so ifyou still think youknow someone you can off some to, you might want to give them a call.My car is getting fixed, and so is my dwindled stash. Life is good.488I Know Exactly Two PeopleIn Reno who would be interested in scoring some killer ice. Well,I might know more, but two for sure. Both, however, are problematic.I'll have to get hold of Grade E at the Sev. And I can't do that until after eleven. And if he wants some, I'm not sure how to arrange a meet.The second person is one I hate with every ounce of my being. One I swore never to talk to again. Can I get past all that to make a deal?[Why not get back at him the only way you can--make a bündle off his greed.] It's a delicate dance, but using him has a certain appeal.Despite whatever brain cells the monster has eaten, I remember his number. Dial it? Don't? God, I hate indecision. Kick me, Bree!489[If you don't deal with him, Grady will. Why not be your own middle-man?] All it takes is a glance in my lockbox. Empty, but for a few bucks.Fine. I'll call. But he'd better not get the wrong idea. The phone rings and rings, and I'm starting to think that's the way it should be, when he finally answers. The sound of his voice sends Chilis through my body. And not good Chilis. Your dime. Start taIking.And I'm trying to, really I am, but my own voice sticks in my throat like a big wad of taffy. At last I manage, "Hello, Brendan?"489 490I've Tried to Get OverWhat happened that night.Tried to blame the meth.The booze. The Situation.I even tried to forgive him because Hunter is an angel.But I can't forgive him.Can't forgive that heforcedhimself on me, inside me.If he'd only been patient,I probably would havesaid yes. Okay. Let's.But I was scared, and he knew it, and my being afraid pushedsome kind of on button.491And it seems to meif that happened once, it will likely happenagain. I should havecalled the cops. Turnedhim in, seen to it he'dnever get the chance to flip that on buttonagain. And if it wasn't for the monster, I wouldhave. So who is really to blame? Brendan?The monster? Or me?Hey, guess what. Itdoesn't matter, anyway.492We  Set Up a Tentative MeetFor tomorrow evening. Barring complications, my car should be running by then. I guess I should be a little scared, but I'm not. It's not like he can rip off my virginity twice.Later I'll call Grady, who'd jump in front of a moving train to score glass like this. Hmm. Maybe I should have arranged to meet Brendan down by the railroad trench.Next time. Meanwhile, looks like I've gone into business for myself. Entrepreneurship, the American Way. Although I doubt Warren Buffett ever had anything like this in mind.493It's simple. [If not exactly legal, but then neither is that insider trading shit] It doesn't take a College degree. [Or even a GED.] And it's lucrative. [Only if you're not dipping into the profit margin.]Therein lies a major problem for me. Wonder, if I quit using and kept the profit, if I could actually make some money, save it up, even. Wonder if I could quit. [Don't make me laugh.]494Have You Ever TriedTo quit a bad habit, one that has come to define you?To ceaseusing a substance-- any substance-- that you not only need but enjoy?To stopyourself from lighting up that cigarette? It's going to kill you, but hey, you're going to diesomeday anyway, why not die happy, why not die buzzed, why not diesatisfied? Why not die sooner, with fewer regrets, than later?495Sooner Than Later, Brad Follows ThroughHe picked up the radiator on his way home last night, and he's already out in the garageworking. Okay, we were up all night, so he got an early start. The new stash is all it should be.Good thing Brad is handy with tools, and the LTD presents fewsurprises. Bolt this here, screw that there, new hoses, new fluid.Voila. The car is ready to go by noon. He comes into the kitchen, all greasy. I smile at the black gunk smeared across his forehead and dotted at the end of his nose."I owe you one. I mean, another one." And he just looks so cute I can't help but go over and kiss496him. We're lip-locked, temps rising, when all of a sudden,Hey! What are you doing?You can't do that with Daddy! We jerk apart, and there's LaTreya, hands on hips.Okay, this one isn't nanny material. It's up to the daddy in question to assuage her ire.But he sputters, helpless, so I offer, "I'm just thanking him forfixing my car. Okay, honey?"No! It's not okay. He's mydaddy, and daddies are onlysupposed to kiss mommies.You're not my mommy, so you better not kiss him anymore! She storms into the other room.497Brad smiles apologetically.Sorry bout that. Jeez, she'smore like her mother than Iimagined. Who knew such a little girl could have such a big temper--or opinions?I've never really asked about Angela before. Thisseems like as good a time as any. "Tell me about Angela.What happened between you? Why did she leave?"He shakes his head. Notmuch to say. We got married and had kids, right out of highschool. One day she said she needed some space. Guess she found some she likes.498He Drops ItAnd so do I, but thinking about leaving kids behind has made me want to see Hunter. I pick up the phone."Hey, Mom. My car's on the road again. I thought I'd drop by this afternoon. Uh, maybe around three?"I'm meeting Grady at five, Brendan a half hour later. That should give me plenty of time to reconnect with my baby.Brad weighs out an ounce into eight balls. I'm not exactly sure how much they'll want, or how much they can pay.498 499He is rightly concerned. Promise you'II be extra careful.An ounce is trafficking-- definitely heavy jail time."Hey, no worries. I'll drive like an old woman. The last thing I want is to get popped. I'm too busy to spend time in jail."Brad walks meto my car, looks right and left before bending down to kiss me. Call ifyou'll be late, okay?I'm going to worry until you get home. He'd probably worry a lot more if he knew just who I'd lined up to score.500The Roads Are DryThe car's running great, and I feel no sense of fear, despite the large quantity of fine Mexican methamphetamine beneath the front seat. It's a forty-minute drive home, at the speed limit, and I have to admit getting away from Red Rock, Brad, and the girls feels like freedom. Guess I'm finding space I like.On a lark, I hit Trey's number on my speed dial. I about drop the phone when he actuallyanswers, and on the second ring. Hey, you. Must be ESP. I was just thinking about you.My first thought is, He's thinking about me! [My first thought is, Yeah, right.]We talk for ten minutes and every doubt about what he feels for me dissolves.501There are a few uncomfortable moments, like when he asks, So, what's up with Brad?The Bree in me has a ready smart-ass answer, which I quickly squelch in favor of telling himBrad fixed my car. [Oh, he fixed more than that, didn't he?] But Trey's next query, about"availability," elicits an "Oh, duh" moment. When I tell him, "No problem," he says,Cool, I'm thinking about a quick trip over themountain. You'II be around, won't you?Well, where eise would I be, especially with him coming? My heart hammers, bloodpumping wildly until I pull into Mom's driveway and realize he's coming more for glass than for me.502That's What's on My MindWhen Scott opens the door. Hello, Kristina. Cool as sleet. He gives me a noticeable up-down-and-sideways, and if he's half as savvy as he thinks he is, he has to know the score.Regardless, he steps aside, lets me in. Jake comes out of the kitchen, carrying Hunter. How long since I've seen him? Two months--just after Christmas-- and he's grown. Changed.His hair falls in long dark waves, almost to the bottom of his neck. His coos and gurgles sound suspiciously like words: M-m-m-a. When he spots me, he smiles, and beyond his lips are two little teeth.503I reach for him and he draws back, seeking safety in Jake's arms. Anger flares, but only briefly. After all, thanks to Mom, he knows Jake better, trusts Jake more than he trusts me.Your mother had to run into Reno, says Scott. Jake, why don't you put Hunter in his walker? I follow them into the family room. Comfortable in his baby bumper car, Hunter rises up on his tiptoes.He scoots across the hardwood, laughing. Finds the TV, punches at buttons without success. He's determined. Determined, like the person he so resembles, the one I'll see much too soon.504Being HereAt home seems kind of surreal. Okay, maybe that's partly because I'm two-days buzzed, brain a little fuzzy. Beyond that, I know the room upstairs still has purple butterflies, fluttering on mauve walls. [Are you sure? Maybe it's an office, with turquoise angelfish on blue walls.] No, I don't think so.Being here with Hunter is weird too. Kind of a synthetic State of mother-hood, not so different from being a nanny, because I know no matter what I do, no matter how fucked up I am or become, he's notreally my responsibility. Okay, morally, Hunter is my responsibility. But Mom took it upon herself to usurp the mommy role, so great. She taught me a lesson. But who's really getting hurt here? Not me[Huh. Really? Well, you sure could have fooled me.]505I Leave Without Seeing MomAnd that's fine by me. Nothing to say to her, anyway.Nothing.Next stop, Grade E. We set up the meet at his house.Not far.He opens the door and his eyes practically popclear out of his skull. Wow. You lookgreat. See? Whatdid I tell you?Guys like girls thin. "Uh, can I come in?" He stepsout of my way, ushers me back to his bedroom. Mom won't be hometill later so we're cool. We sit on his bed, and that makes meslightly uncomfortableWhen I open the baggie, give him a taste, he . just about506goes ape shit. That's whatI'm talking about.Wheredid this come from? Locat?He's right whereI need him to be.So I say, "I can get more.But it isn't cheap."He makes a buy.A half ounce. And he says,I'II be calling for more.507PerfectI made a nice little profit, plan to make a bigger profit at my next stop. Brendan and I hook up around back at the Sev.Can't do the deal here. Get in, he says, but I insist "No, we'll take my car." It's bigger. Safer. And, behind the wheel, I've got the power. We drive in silence a mile or so up Virginia Grade. Despite being gravel, the road is icy, the Shoulders piled with snow.508It will be tough to turn around, so I keep driving until I find a place where I can do that. I want to be parked in the direction of quickescape. Just in case. Finally Brendan says, I was surprisedyou called. Yeah, me too. "Water under the bridge," I answer. What eise can Isay--I wantyourcash? But it's really hard to look at him, especially after just being with my baby. His baby. Our baby. God, that stings.509He Wants a SampleI'm generalis with that.We smoke three bowls, and as the ice does what it's supposed to do, his eyes take on the glow of the monster. Major dejä vu. Have I made an irreversible mistake?Not bad, he says. Youfucking the guy you got it from? There's the Brendan I know and hate. The worst part is, he's right. "No, he's fucking me. So, are you in or what?"A slip of the tongue, and he pounces on it. It might be a little tight, with the steering wheel510and all, but I'm gameif you are. He's a nervy bastard, I'll give him that. He smiles a Yeah, so?Stay cool. He brought money. "Thanks for the offer, but I've got someone waiting."Then he says something completely unexpected. I sawyour mom with your baby the other day.I knew it was your mom because she looks like you.I knew it was your baby because he looks...He can't know. I won't let him. I'll deny it until the day I die--or he does. I hold my breath.... like you, too.511Too Close for ComfortTime to go before we get any closer. "So, how much do you want? Uh, how much ice do you want?"He smiles. I'll take a bal,  if you'II front it to me.Okay, now I'm just pissed. "Sorry, cash and carry. Godammit, I ain't the Bank of America."I 'm just a little short and I don't get paid until Friday."So why did you say you were interested? It's not like we're friends. You expect me to trust you?"Why not? We were friends once, weren't we? He dares put a hand on my knee.[Stay calm. He could bust you.] Calmly I push his hand off my knee. "Howmuch money do you have on you?"512Seventy or eighty dollars. Is that enough for a down payment?"On a gram. But all I have weighed out are eight balls, and they're three fifty." I can't afford stupidity.He counts the contents of his wallet. Eighty-six dollars. The rest on Friday?If he actually calls with the money, I'll have to see him twice in one week. He'll probably rip me off. So whydo I say okay?513At Least He Didn't TryTo steal the stuft.[Give him time.]At least he didn't try to rape me.[Ditto] At least he didn't decide Hunter was his baby.[Double ditto.]Sometimes the little things in life mean the most.[Everything in your life is little.]Would you get the fuck out of here? I can't double-think everything.[Split Personalities are indeed a bitch.]Am I totally schizo?[Close. But there's a bigger question.]Oh, yeah? Like what?[Which half is the real you?]514Wired (Weird) Out of My TreeI won't eat tonight. Won't sleep tonight. Won't want to deal with inane questions, prime-time TV, or Barbie.Luckily, Brad has fed the girls, bathed the girls, and they're playing quietly in their room.Perfect.What I'm focused on now is Trey, and when [if] he'll arrive. I sit in my room, waiting.Smoking.Waiting.Toking.Waiting.Waiting515Finally, There's a Knock"Come in," I call softly. (The girls must be asleep by now--almost midnight.)My heart stutters. Crow hops. Bucks wildly. But it isn't Trey. [Told you.]Brad's head pops through the door. You've been awfullyquiet. Everything go okay?I'm disappointed. But at least I'm not alone. "Like clockwork. Come on in."We do what you do when you're wasting an evening, playing with the monster.516Finally, the dock betrays that it's well after two a.m. Trey isn't coming after all.Guess I should at leastpretend to sleep. Brad stands, pauses by the door.Choices. Choices. This choice is all mine to make. "Want some Company?"517Long About the TimeThe sun shows its face, I am spent, woozy, not quite asleep. Brad has managed to slip into dreams and I listen to his shallow breathing.It's hypnotic, and I steal lower and lower toward the nowhere place between consciousness and blessed sleep. Somewherethere's a noise. A door closes. Footsteps? On the stairs? I can't move. I'm weighted, shackled. I should. I must. But I'm close to oblivion. My door creaks open. The long, silent pause tells me it isn't one of the girls. Footsteps across the floor. I'm afraid.518Rooted. Not even the sound of fabric falling against the carpeting convinces me to move. Somehow, this person is familiär.Behind me, the sheets part. Move over, Trey whispers, and I do and it makes no difference that Brad is semisoundly sleeping beside us. Trey pulls me to him and I stiften, terrified of what he must be thinking. It's okay, he whispers, and we're making love.519Two Guys, One BedIt's really too weird. [Yeah, but kind of nice.] What has happened to mymorals, my sense of right, wrong? [Way overrated.] Shit, I'm a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, awaitingtransformation.I hope Trey [andIor Brad] likes salt, 'cause I'll soon be a regulär pillar, in exchange for this brand of sin.Trey definitely must like salt. It's bad enough that I feit like it was okay to be jam between slices of bread.520But why doesn't Trey care about finding me in bed with Brad? His cousin, yet. Two separate trusts, broken.I mean, Brad accepts that I've got a major thing for Trey. But will Brad accept the fact that Trey has climbed into the bed we shared last night? Will sharing a bed, sharing someone they love, blow their closeness into distantpieces?521Brad Stirs I'm not sure I'm ready to test his reaction, so I push back againstTrey, shove him gently out of bed.He goes into the bathroom and I follow, turn on the shower, climb inside, hoping the noise doesn'twake Brad, but knowing it will. At least we won't be a sandwich. I'm shaky. Scared. Is this the end?I put my arms around Trey's neck, lean my head into his ehest, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."It's okay, Kristina. We nevermade any promises. Anyway, I know Brad's lonely.I look up, hook his eyes. "I'm lonely too. And that's all this is. I love you. But you aren't here."522I want to ask if he's been with other girls. [Don't] Need to ask. [No.] Have to know. [No, you don't.]He tells me anyway. I love you, too. But I can't tell you I haven't been with other girls.[See? You didn't want to know.] Anger scalds, hot and white. But why? And what can I say?Now I want to know who. [No, you don't.] Need to know if it's Robyn. [No, damnit, you don't]He tells me anyway. Not Robyn, in case you're wondering. Guess she left school. Her apartment is empty."So who is it, then?" [Not that it's any of your business.] "That girl you told me about?"523She's one. But there have been others. Nothing serious. Sex only. I love you. No one eise.White heat stings my eyes. Not fair! [Sure it is.] Shut up! [What comes around goes around.] Shut up!My heart does wind Sprints. My brain somersaults. The tub is slippery and I start to fall. Fall. Fa...524Where Am I?Everything is dark. Mostly dark. There's light somewhere, like at the end of a tunnel.Am I dead?Someone is talking. Calling. Calling my name. Kristina? Kristina!Trey? Is he dead too?My head hurts. There's a thumping. A noisy thrumming against the liningof my skull.Can you hurt when you're dead?Wait! I don't want to be dead. Don't want to walk in darkness-semidarkness--alone.Death is lonely.Lonely? Lonely. Why is lonelyfamiliär? I know Brad is lonely. It's getting lighter. Light.Maybe I'm not dead.525But I still can't move. Don't dare move because it hurts. My head hurts. My back hurts.Maybe I do wish I were dead.Are my eyes open? It's light but I still can't see. Kristina? Look at me, Kristina.I don't want to look at Trey. If I do, I'll really wish I was dead.526His FaceMaterializes, wraithlike. "What happened? Am I dead?"Don't even say that. Youslipped and feil, that's all.No wonder my head hurts. I reach up, touch the gestating lump.I start to sit up, but my head spins and I fumble back against the floor.Trey strokes my cheek, moves my hair from my eyes. Stay still.Stay? Like a dog? Monstrous anger grips me, shakes me.Are you cold? He jumps to his feet, runs into the bedroom.I use the timeto try my legs, which refuse to cooperate.Back comes Trey, blanket in hand. Please don't move, Kristina.I reach down inside, find Bree, grab her strength. "Leave me alone."Flip onto my belly. Push to my knees. I'm shaky. But damnit, I'll stand.527Trey steadies me best as he can. You are so fucking stubborn.Stubborn. Aching. Straight out pissed and the worst thing is,I have zero reason to be. Well, other than the fact that the monstercoldcocked me and I feel like a steaming pile of manure.528Brad Has Vacated the Room Trey helps me across the endlessStretch of carpet, to the empty, tousled bed. A soft cloud of pillow lures me toward dreamlesssleep. As I sink closer to oblivionI breathe Trey in, desperate inhalation.I want him beneath my skin, heldfast by my bones, absorbed by my body like oxygen."Please don't go." A slow exhalationI  won't. He is tender, warm.And I believe him.529But of CourseHe has to go.I wake, knowing this. He is sitting by the bed."I don't want you to go.'I know. But I'll be back in a couple of weeks.I have to think why. Oh yes, spring break.I talked to Brad and told him I'm okay with you two.I'm not okay with any of it. "Why is it okay?"Because it has to be. School will beout in less than three months...."I can wait three months for you, if you just tell me you want meto."530He takes my hand, kisses it gently. Let's play it by ear, okay? No worries.No worries? "How can I not worry about you? I love you, remember?"Now he pulls mefrom bed, into his lap, cinches me with his arms. Kristina, I love you, too, really I do...Okay, there's a major "but" coming. [Yeah, like, But I'm a major player, and want to play around]... but this is totally newterritory, I've always loved girls for what they could giveme, not for who they are.531I understand what he means, but still don't get where this is headed. "So, what are you saying?"I'm asking for some time to figure out if I love you for what you're giving me, or for who you are.532Over a WeekSince Trey went off to decide why [you mean if] he loves me. Messed up!Brad and I have kept ourthoughts regarding that night to ourselves, noteasy to do when you're spun, and we have been spun on an ongoing basis.It's maintenance spun now, not really enjoyable spun. I can nibble soft foods, sleep fitfully, brain begging to shut all the way down. But I'm scared to shut all the way down. Scared I might dream. Scared I might notwake back up.533It's About NoonOn Thursday. I'm fumbling around in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to make for dinner. My head is in the freezer when the phonebellows. It takes four rings to find it, and I'm totallysurprised at who's on the other end. Hi, Kristina? It's Robyn.Okay, she's after something, and I can guess what. I don'tknow ifyou heard, but I leftUOP. I'm working out here in Moundhouse, and was hopingyou could hook me up.Moundhouse = whorehouse. There are several in the littleCommunity, not far from534Nevada's capital, CarsonCity. One was even featured on a prime-time cable show.Now, it doesn't necessarily surprise me that Robyn is whoringforthe monster, butI never would have guessedshe'd sink so low as to whore for truck drivers and tourists."Well, maybe I can help you out." Don't want to give it allupthe first time we talk."I'll have to check on it.But if it's doable, it will be on the pricey side."Very cool. Some other girls are interested, too. Can you and I work out a quantity?535Just like that, I move from low- to midlevel dealer. Good thing Brad's connect is bottomless.Can you come out to the ranch? I'II tell them you're my sister.Oh, you have to ask for Aphrodite.536If You've NeverBeen to a fancy whorehouse (and believe me, I never havebefore!), you might be surprised.I'm nervous, thinking the PinkPussycat will be scary--dark, sweaty, with lots of peepholes, maybe. But a better word to describe the place is gaudy, with plush pink carpeting and silver and gold brocade covering the walls. If there are peepholes, they'rehidden behind paintings of bustynaked women, like in an Old Westsaloon. Only pinker. Pink. How appropriate. It's early for truckers.Only a few haunt the "parlor," perusing a menu of Services and a couple of girls.537Neither men nor girls are what you'd callattractive. This is no place for romance.Hey, sis. Long time no see. Robyn escorts me to her room, much like she did severaltimes in the past, only this time she's dressed in a purple silk teddy. Her legs are too thin, her own ehest flauer than I remember, and a thick layer of makeup barely disguisessores. Monster sores. I chide myself to slow down before I end up with sores.Or here.538Unlike Her ApartmentRobyn's room is neat. Guess perverts dislike having paid-for sex amidst piles of clutter. Like everything elsehere, it's pink and gold and sparsely furnished.It smells of old sweat and cheap perfume.Robyn locks the door and we sit on her bed, just like in the good ol' days. I'm pulling grave-yard so we don't have to hurry. Anyway, the manager is a friend.That's how I wound up here, in fact.539She tells me how she met the guy, how he talked her into "easy" money, working in the "entertainment industry." As she talks, I notice the way her eyes beg."You sure it's okay to do the deal in here?"Her head bobs. No problem. I told themyou have some private news about our mother and not to Interrupt us. They probably think she has Cancer or something.Sweet. A little sympathygoes a long way here.540I can only imagine. I produce a quarter ounce of excellent glass and immediately Robyn's hands begin to shake.She doesn't only want the meth. She needs it."You can try some if you want. Where can we go?"In answer, she opens the window, turns on a fan that sits on a small table by the door. Right here is the safest place. I'll get the pipe. I watch her inhale, eyes poppingpleasure. ThankGodit's not street crank.541She talks about the last crank she snorted, a tip from a customer. Oh yeah, truckers love their crank. And when they're all cranked up, they love other stuff too. The iceopens her mouth and she tells me all about it.Some of 'em are really gross. I always makethem shower first. No way will I let something dirty up inside of me. Condoms!1 Yeah, they're supposed to wear them.But they pay a lot extra if you don't make them.542They also pay extra for oral sex and unusual sex, including threesomes with other girls. Robyn Claims she's judicious. But I know how your caution can slip, whenyou have a threesome with our pal, the monster.543I LeaveFeeling slightly better about myself and a whole lot better about my own dient list, which has just grown exponentially.Robyn knows girls at some of the other ranches too.Meth is one way they handlewhat they do. I guess you couldsay it isn't much different from trading sex for companionship.Okay, it's a helluva lot damndifferent. I mean, screwing nasty, smelly men [without a Condom, yet] to feed your meth habit [no worries about feeding your face].544The word "condom" remindsme again that I need to get in and get on the pill. I'llcall tomorrow and make the appointment. And thatreminds me that Trey shouldhead my way next week. Nocalls to confirm, as yet. Anxietyswims up like a giant squid, snakes tentacles around my throat. Squeezes.545Easter SundayBrad took the girls to an Easter egg hunt.I thought about taking Hunter, but it's cold anyway and he's just a baby, know the Easter bunny from some giant rodentAnyway, it's a long drive and I think I'lluse my time alone to crash and experience the snooze of the dead. Brad traded speed for some downers. Guess I'll have to borrow a couple. I want to be good and rested by the time Trey arrives. Not that I know exactlywhen that might be. Not that I have a freakingclue what he might be up to in the meantime546I pop an Ambien and wait, thinking about Trey and what he might be doing atthis moment. Myhead Starts to spin, like riding a Tilt-A-Whirl.I close my eyes, hang on tight against the loop in my head.I'm over the edge....547It's Gray I rise up out of the depths into flat pale light Where.am I? Is it morning or night? Why are my legs sticky? Sticky red. Did I hurt myself in sleep? On purpose?What is wrong with me? My brain is mud.There goes the Tilt- A- Whirl again.I'm again.spinning out of control again Stepping again.over the edge again.548KnockingPounding. Little fists falling against the wood of my bedroom door.Wake up, sleepyhead! Daddy has to go to work. Devon's voice is bright as the sunshine, painting streaks on the walls. I throw back the sheets.Blood. Lots of it. Great. My monthly visitor. Atleast I don't have to feel so bad about not calling the doctor. No need for the pill today, anyway.I clean up, strip the sheets from the bed and take them down to the washer.549The girls are in the kitchen, munching cereal. No school his week, they're all mine.I put in a call to Trey. No answer. No surprise. I'm getting ready to leave a voice mail when the door-bell rings. He's here! LaTreya beats me to the door and flings it open. Mommy! she screams, throwing her arms around the slender redhead.Angela steps through the door, levels me with a shot of green eyes. Who the hell are you?550Standing ThereWearing zip but a long T-shirt and underwear, I introduce myself, "I'm Kristina, the girls' nanny."Angela is unimpressed. [Angela is totally irritated.] Well, I happen to be the girls' mother. Where's Brad?She's pissing me off. "I figuredthat's who you were when LaTreyacalled you 'Mommy.' Brad's at work."Another evil blink of snake green eyes.I thought I'd take the kids Shopping.Girls, go put on your shoes, please.The kids hüstle upstairs, which is good.Trying to take them couldcome down to blows."Not without Brad's permission."551The cobra strikes quickly. I don'tknow who youthink you are, butI'll do as I please with my daughters."No, I don't think you will. You lost thatprivilege when youwalked out the door.Now let's give Brad a call, okay?"You are awfully possessive of someoneelse's children. She looks me up and down. And you don't dress like hired help.My face heats, but I stand my ground. "One call will settle this.Let's go into the kitchen and make it."552It's a Short ConversationBrad is on his way home. Angela sits at the kitchen table, waiting. The girls bound into the room, all giggles. I think I'm jealous.I know I'm jealous when Brad walks through the door. The look on his face is unmistakable. He loves Angela, through the pain.Daddy! cries Devon. Mommy'shome. She Jumps into Angela's lap and LaTreya moves to her side, protective. They love her unconditionally, pain all gone.I excuse myself so they can talk, knowing my life has veered, suddenly, surely. But exactly which direction it has veered in remains to be discovered.553Four CigarettesAnd two bowls later, Brad calls me downstairs.Without his saying a Single word, I know I'm leaving.Angela has already left, and she took the kids with her. Not a good sign for me. But what about for Brad?Angela wants to try again. He pauses to let it sink in.I don't know if it's the right thing to do, Kristina.But the girls miss her so much. I have to think about what's best for them, right? His eyes hold massive hope.I want him to be happy. "I don't guess she wants a live-in nanny, huh?" I reach for an honest smile.554He shakes his head. I'll help you find a place, okay? Oh.There's more. I have to give up the ice. I don 't know if I can.Wow. He really does love her. Could I give up the monster for Trey? I don't know either. Luckily, it isn't an issue.I'II make you a deal. Takemy stash. Pay me when you can.And I'll introduce you to myconnection. You'II be okay.I feel like I swallowed a plate of mercury. Still, I gooverto Brad, look up into his eyes. "Sure. I'll be fine."555Just Like ThatEverything's different. Just like that, everything'schanged.Just like that, every vestige of imaginedstability, like a time-worried weave, has comeunraveled.Not long ago, I believed I wanted completeindependence.But living here with a borrowed familydemolishedthat idea. I don't want to be withoutAnd the monster doesn't count.demolished556All Alone In a weekly motel, in a not-real-nicepart of Reno, I look at my possessions, every damnthing I own, contained in one medium-size suitcase and one box.At least the place is clean, no noteworthybugs or stains. I sit in the red vinyl chair, flip on the twelve-inch TV, stare mindlessly at whatever's on. And only now do I let myselfcry.557No Word from TreyDespite the desperate voice maus I left. I can't stand sitting here, alone. No one to talk to. No one to laugh with. Only the monster for Company. What fun is that?I'm going crazy. Fucking crazy. Even hanging with Mom and Scott would be better than this. At least I'd have Hunter to play with. A sudden wave of guilt rolls over me. With it comes a thought. Would they let me move back in? I dial the house, but get the machine. Aagh! Maybe I should just get in my car.558and drive out there. [No one's home, idiot.] I've got to talk to someone. Who can I call? Robyn? [She's yanking off some guy from Toledo.] I know.I open the address book on mycell, punch some numbers, cross my fingers that a real, living being will actually answer. He does, first ring. "Hello, Quade?"559We Talk for Half an HourHe's kind, but not overly sympathetic. You've made some rotten choices. They caught up with you is all.The meth makes me want to do more than talk. I want to contess. "Have you ever slept with two women at the same time?"You mean "every guy'sfantasy"? I had the chanceseveral times but no, I never took advantage of it.He is lead Singer in a band. He describes a couple of times he had the chance to play sandwich meat.But for me sex is more than just about feeling good. It's about feeling something special for someone.560"You mean love." It's a Statement, not a question. Loveless sex is meaningless. Has Trey concluded that?Exactly. The other guys in the band don't feel the same way, but singing for sex negates the art.Okay, he's a little stränge. But I really, really like him. And I really need a friend. "Is it okay if I call again?"Anytime, little sister. Anytime at all. You knowI've always cared for you. That hasn't changed a bit.Intense. He cares for me. But does he care for me as a friend? Potential lover? Or--heaven forbid--little sister?561BuzzedBleeding. Bored out of my tree, I decide to take a walk. This part of town is rundown, with cracked sidewalks and pot-holed streets and dirty people, huddled against weary buildings. A few yellow streetlights buzz with effort, but don't domuch against the moonless night. Still, down-town is only a few blocks away, and there'splenty of light there--neon light, in rainbow colors, fountaining up casino towers. It's springbreak, so even though it's very late, a lot of people flow along the main avenues. Strangers.562They're strangers, but I don't care. I want to be among them. Flow with them. Bodies. Faces.Most from any place but here. I like looking at the faces. All races. Expressions. Joyful (winners).Hateful (losers). Confused (users). Suddenly a Single face falls into focus. Familiär. Loved."Chase!" I run toward him, parting the crowd. He sees me. Smiles. Frowns. Half-waves.I see now he's Walking with someone. Holding her hand. She's prettierthan me. And she's pregnant.563What Do I Do Now?I want to turn. Flee. Act cowardly. But we're practically touching.[Play the game.] "Hey, Chase. Long time, no see."He drops the girl's hand, dares to reach out and hug me. God, it's good to seeyou. He backs away. Oh, this is my wife, Amanda.Wife? Yep. Matching gold bands. [Don't you dare cry. Suck it up.]"Hi, Amanda, I'm Kristina. Chase and I... are friends."Amanda tosses her long blond hair. Smiles. Good to meet you. I've heard564a lot about you. You were a hard act to follow.Chase told her about me? Yes, I guess that's like him. Honest tili it hurts.I don't know what to say except, "Home for a visit?"Chase nods. We eloped, so mymom hadn't met Amanda yet. Thoughtwe should fix that before the baby's born.We make small talk for a few minutes, my end of the conversationminuscule, compared to all of Chase's news.565Finally he decides, It's pretty late. We'd better go before Momdecides we skippedtown. Take care."You too. And let me know when the baby comes, okay?" I watchthem walk hip-to-hip down the street. And despite all the people-- bodies, faces--swarming around me like pissedyellow jackets, I have never feit so abandoned.566I Sit for a WhileOn a bench along the River Walk, listen to the opera of the Truckee River at night.The water is high, after our massive winter. It rushes past, calling over the rocks, You're not alone.I'm here, aren'tl?Coaxing,Oh, the places I can take you. Ride along with me.Cajoling,Come on. It's easy. Just walk to the railing. One quick step over...Chanting,567Easy. It's easy. Onequick step. It's easy.I'll sing you to sleep.One quick step.I go to the railing, tilt my face over, into a cold, black breeze.Into death, reaching out for me. It touches my face, tempting me,It's easy.No! Not yet. I throw myself into reverse, head back to the motel568Bright and EarlyThe next morning, Brad calls on his way to work.Glad you're up. Is everything okay?"I've been up since day before yesterday. And everything's fucked, like anyone gives a shit." Okay, I'm kind of bitchy. Several reasons for that.Brad ignores the jab. I talked to Cesar. He's good with meetingyou. After work?"Sure. Pick me up? You know where to find me." For the second time I'm about to become intertwined with La Eme. Mexican Mafia. Some totally tough Latinos.569Definitely not the kind of guys you want to mess over. No problem. I'll play straight with them. Cash and carry. That's the only way to deal with Cesar and La Eme.570Brad Picks Me UpRight on time. I figured we'dhead for the projects. Instead, he drives well east of the city, to the little bedroom Community of Fernley. It's a silent twenty-minute drive. What's left to say?Cesar lives in a well-kept mobile home on a ten-acrepiece of high desert ground.When we pull through the gate, we are greeted by a rottweiler the size of a Shetland pony.The animal woofs like a bear, and drool slides from his jowls.The commotion brings Cesar (I assume) to the front door.Leon! Abajo! he commands.The dog drops to the ground.571He'll expect us to stay at least a half hour, Brad says.But he doesn 't use, so don 't even go there. He opens the door, slips from beneath the wheel, and I follow him inside.Furnishings are sparse. Wesit around a small card table.Brad handles the introductions, and Cesar regards me carefully.After a few tense moments, he nods, deciding I'm not the heat.I don't deal less than quarterpounds, and won't front untilI know you're a regulär. Then we can talk. How much today?His eyes travel back and forth between Brad and me.572A quarter pound? Holy shit. Brad never mentioned that.I don't have that kind of money.Do my eyes ref lect the terror I feel? We'll take a quarter.Brad produces a wad of cash.Apparently, we're now partners.Cesar shrugs and goes into the other room. We'll split the profit, okay? says Brad.Move the quarter, you'llhave plenty ofcash to score.I hope he's Willing to share his customer listtoo. I need to off the stuff as quickly as possible, for several reasons.Four ounces? I have graduatedagain--to the major league.573Brad Drops Me OffI half-expect him to ask to come inside, smoke a little, make love a little.Instead, he turns to me. I  know you're mad at me. But please understand..."I do understand. Not your job to babysit me." Kind of mean, but oh well.Okay. Right. But please be careful. This is a majorquantity. Don't leave it...His money. I understand that, too. I'll be careful. Iwant to off this right away574and pay you back. Will youlet your people know how to get hold of me?"No problem. I trustyou to payme back. He pauses. I just want you to know I neverexpected Angela to come home orl wouldn't have... I still care for you, you know.That phrase again. Everyone cares for me. They just don't know how to love me.575I Left My CellOn the charger. When I turn it on to check messages, there are two.Mom: Sorry I missed your call yesterday. We were out celebrating mybirthday Are you okay?Trey: Where are you? I know Angela moved back home. I'll be there tonight. Are you okay?They both sound totally stressed. Guess Mom doesn't like the idea of chalking up another year.But what's up with Trey? Probably hungry for meth. Guess what. Now he'll have to get it from me.576Why Am I Not More ExcitedAbout Trey coming tonight?I still love him. But I can't seem to find that high-blood-pressure anticipation.Maybe it's knowing some other girl has sent him on his way. Maybe it's becauseI'm on my period and can't make love to him, anyway.Is it because I'm not buzzed?Regardless, I dial his number, with the usual result, leave him directions to the motel, sans an "I love you" addendum.Wonder if he'll even notice. Wonder if he'll even care.Wonder if he'll drop in, score, drop back out of my life again until he needs to restock.Maybe I should get buzzed.577Next, I call Mom. "Sorry Imissed your birthday, but I had to move out of the RedRock house____No, the guy'swife came back and they don't need a nanny anymore____I'm in a weekly for now. Can Icome out tomorrow and bring your birthday present? See you then."Maybe I shouldn't get buzzed.Who knows if or when Treywill get here? I flip on the TV, debating whether or not to getbuzzed. An hour passes. Two, with nothing but reality shows to keep me Company. Who needsthat kind of reality? I pick up the phone and call Quade. We talk for a long while, and after we hang up, I get buzzed.578By the Time Trey KnocksOn the door, I am very buzzed and almost beyond caring that he has finally arrived.One look at him and all that changes. He's shaken, pale. He stumbles through the door and I lock it behind him, invite him into my arms. "What's wrong?" I guidehim into a chair. I, uh.. .just had a major blowout with Brad. He catches his breath, chooses his words. I went out there first, looking for ice.Angela was over the top.How was I supposed to know she'dgone to Narcotics Anonymous and made Brad go too?579How was I supposed to know she'd fucking freak out and threaten to call the cops?I mean, standing on the door- step, screaming. Damn, she's crashing hard. Then, when Itold her to shut the hell up, Brad went off the deep end. I thought he was going to hau! off and hit me.I can picture it all clearly. But there's a puzzle piece missing.And it has something to do with,"Crashing?" How did he know she was using, let alone crashing? I never noticed it, not evensitting across the table from her. What hasn't he told me? "What haven't you told me?"He stops ranting, studies me, trying to decide how much information I can handle.580Promise you won 't get mad?I don't want to fight with you, too. He looks like he could break.This can't be good. But what the hell? I'd almost given up on ever seeinghim again, anyway. If this is the last straw, I don't have to get mad, do I? "Promise."You know the girl in Stockton, the one I told you about? Truth is, it was Angela.Bang! Everything falls right into place. I do get mad. Jealous. Insanely so.My mouth tries to open. But I won't let it. Not yet. Not until I've had enoughtime to completely digest his confession, considerits implications. I did promise.581Waiting for DigestionI figure we might as well ingest a little crystal. Maybe not the best idea, but I can't just sit here staring at him like a fool. Anyway, I need more information and this is the best way to get it.The monster knows the right questions to ask. Finally, it pries my mouth open. "Did she leave Brad for you?"The monster supplies answers. Not exactly. I mean, we flirted a little.I think that convinced her she wanted to seeother men. But she didn'tcome directly to Stockton. And when she did, she dated other guys too.582A bigger question looms, one I don't want to ask because I might hate the answer. "Are you in love with her?" Is that really why he went over there tonight?He comes over, kneels in front of me, looks up into my eyes. No. I told you it was sex only. Infact, I was relieved when she informed me she was going back to Brad.The guilt, believe it or not, was incredible. Not only because of Brad, but because of you.I love you. And I don't ever want to hurt you.583Kristina wants to kiss him with every fiber of her being. But Bree wants him to pay, or at least sweat it a little. We reach a compromise. "Does that mean you'll quit sleeping around?"His immediate answer surprises me. No, it shocks me. Only ifyou ask me to."I'm asking."Okay. He tilts his face up toward mine, requesting a meeting of lips."One more thing."What?"Answer your damn phone."584We Seal the DealWith a kiss--and more. Yeah, I'm still on my period. But you'd be surprised at all the things you can do, anyway.Trey is füll of surprises, and not just sexy ones. We make love, but even as our bodies work, my brain is busy.Two months till school is out for summer, two months tillTrey can be mine f ull -time. I can't stay585here, alone in this flea-bag motel. I need another place. A place with people. One comes to mind.Home. I want to go home. Tomorrow when I'm there, I'll push Mom to please let me come home.But only until summer.586Clean, Maintenance-BuzzedWe take my car home. Mom and Scott didn't meet Trey before, but they might recognize the Mustang. I want them to like him. Need them to love him, one-tenth as much as I do.I hold a dozen supermarket roses in my lap. Scentless. What happened to red rose perfume? Has the monsterstolen my sense of smell? No, I smell tobacco, too strong in my hair and clothes. I smell deodorant, his and mine. I smell leather seats and a faint aura of crystal. But still no red rose perfume.586 587Frustrated, nervous, I decide confession is in order. "Remember a few months ago whenyou dropped me off at home? Mom told me never to bring you there. That's why I wantedus to come in this car. I want them to get to know you without thinking you're a meth fiend."Well, I'll do my best to makethem think otherwise. Then he poses an interesting question. But what if that's what I am?588Mom Greets UsWith a frosty Hello. The Queen of Cool assesses Trey. Finally she offers, I'm Marie.And you are...Trey does his best to be pleasant. Pleased to meetyou. I'm Trey, Kristina's...He crash-lands on fiance.Mom's mouth drops wide, in perfect unison with mine. Is that a fact? Kristinaforgot to mention it.Unfazed, Trey trumps Mom's cliched hand. We only decided last night.She wanted to surpriseyou.589I interrupt the uneasy introduction with a bouquet of scentless red roses."Happy birthday, Mom."Trey, as already noted, is a major player. Yes, happy birthday... Mom.He gifts her with his great smile.Mom is not appreciative. Ahem. Let's go inside... Her unfinished sentence hangs midair: before anyone notices you here.589 590Surprises AwaitThe first is Hunter, who can now not only crawl but also pull himself up and walk, holding on to the coffee table. He'll be off and running soon.Where has the time gone?The second is Jake, whose voice has lowered into bass ränge. I guess we haven't spoken enough the last few months for me to notice the shift.Where has my little brother gone?His girlfriend is inside too. They wade patiently through the obligatory introductions, disappear upstairs to spend time alone in Jake's room.Where has propriety one?591Despite Mom's clear disapproval of Trey, Scott seems to accept him. They talk sports. Talk College. Talk me. Mom remains aloof.Where has solidarity gone?592While the Guys TalkMom draws me into the kitchen, sits me down at the table.So what are your plans now?Can't tell her about my new career, dealingto hookers.New job? School? Uh.., marriage?[Quick, think up a lie.] "I signed up for classes."Did you get your GED?[Go ahead, lie bigger.] "I did, in fact. Last month."Where are you going to school?[She won't believe a university.] "Up at the Community College."Good choice, all things considered.[What does that mean?]"Trey thought it was a good idea."You're not really going to marry him?[You're not, are you?] "What's wrong with him?"Kristina, he's a total loser.Blood pressure rising. "He is not! And I love him."You don't know what love is.593And rising. "I suppose no one knows that but you?"You're tooyoung to get married.Not that old line. Answer-, "You got married at eighteen."To a total loser. Look what happened.Ears burning. "I don't care! Your life isn't mine."Lower your voice this instant.Up. Up. Up goes my voice. "You can't make me."I'm still your mother..."Yeah, you're my mother, and a cold-hearted bitch."Don't ever talk to me like that!"What are you going to do? Ground me until further notice?"I think it's time for you to leave.So much for moving home.594Halfway BackTo the motel, Trey drops another surprise smack in my lap.What would you sayif I told you I'm not goingback to school?Weird, but Bree sides with Mom. [She's right. He's a loser.]Kristina, however, is all for it. "Really? Since when? Are you sure?"I totally screwed up this Semester, anyway. I can always go back and finish up, or maybe I'll franst er to UNR. Mean while, we'll be together.595A ton of questions pop into my head. Did he screw up because of the meth? Angela? Me? What will this mean to his dream of becoming an electrical engineer? Does this translate to we're living together? Was the word "fiance" just for my mom's benefit? I'm afraid to ask any of that.I was thinking we couldget an apartment together.I mean, ifyou want...Well, of course I want. Being with Trey twenty-four, seven? A dream.596I could get a Job. And your baby could live with us too, ifyou want....Trey, Hunter, and me, like a real tamily? This is starting to sound pretty serious.We'll need some money for furniture and stuff. Maybe we could sellthis car. We'll only needone, right? I think mine is probably more reliable____He talks all the way back to the motel about how we can make it all work out.By the time we park the car and go upstairs, my life has shifted gears, again.596 597It All Sounded So EasyBut a number of obstacles popped up right away.Getting an apartmentwhen you don't have a job is tough. I guess they want to know the rent will happen.Getting a jobwhen all you want to do is get high isn't exactly a priority. Anyway, dealing is much easier thanBut you can't really put "dealer" under "occupation" on the rental application.Convincing a managertook a fair amount of lying, and Brad's cooperation.And, with Angela squarely in the way, thatworking for a living.But blood is thicker than marriage. Brad didn't598really give Trey a job. He just said he did.Selling an old LTD, classic or not, took a little time too. And now that it's gone, I feel bad. It was all I had that was really my own. But with gas so expensive, it's probably best. So now Trey and I have a place, garage-salefurniture, his Mustang. Each other.And a bottomless supply of the monster.598 599May I Just SayThat moving in with someoneisn't as easy as it sounds either.You both have habits, good and not-so. Sometimes thosehabits grate on each other's nerves, especially when you'rewired. Especially, especially when you're coming down.You have different tastes, in TV shows, music, and food.Compromise can be difficult to reach, especially when you'rewired. Especially, especially when you're coming down.I do love Trey, and being with him is exponentially better than600being alone. Especially when I'm wired. But not so muchwhen I'm coming down. That's when those little differencesreally get on my nerves. Then we argue. Sometimes we tight.Always, we make up with heart feit apologies and great sex.So maybe the compromise is worth it, after all.601The Scariest ThingI'm facing now is trying to get Hunter out of my mother's grasp. But he is my baby, damnit.Finally, I find the courage to call. "Hi, Mom. Trey and I are all set up in our own apartment.We want to bring Hunter for a visit. Can we come pick him up?" How will this go?Mom is silent for several seconds. Do you reallythink that's a good idea?I've rehearsed this. I know what to say. "I appreciatethat you've taken such good602care of him. But he needs to get used to being around his mom ... and stepfather."Was it the wrong card to play? Kristina, I hate to say this, but Hunterbarely recognizes you. Do you think it's fair to leave him with a stranger?[Stay in control. Temper in check.] "There's only one wayto change that, Mom."[Choose words carefully.] "Or were you planning on keeping my baby for yourself?"603Ultimately, She AgreesI'm glad, because the last thing I need is to get the courts involved. Social Services frowns on the crystal scene.Trey drives me out, moves the baby seat into his car while I go inside to collect my baby and his things.Mom holds Hunter, kisses him gently, hands him off to me. Call me right awayif anything goes wrong.Hunter waves bye-bye, and as weturn, I notice Mom start to cry. She loves him. But I love him too.604On the way back tothe apartment, Trey detours east, to the Pink Pussycat. One quick delivery and we're on our way, two hundred dollars in the black, plenty to buy formula and diapers for a week.605Baby Makes ThreeAnd even though he'slittle, his presence in thiscramped one-bedroommakes the place evenmore claustrophobic.Seems he's alwaysunderfoot, unless he's in his porta-crib. And unless he's sleeping, he's not happy there.Trey says we'll have to get a bigger place, and to do that he needs to get a job, one he can list on an application. He'sout looking right now.Which means it's justHunter, me, and the monster, killing time.606It's nice outside.Maybe Hunter and I could walk to the park. Onlything is, I'm tired.I do have a way to fix that, don't I?I prop Hunter in a chair, in front ofSesame Street."Stay there with Elmo.Mommy will beright back." I go into the bathroom, open the window, so the smoke won'ttaintthe living roomair. I'm halfway through my second hitwhen Hunter screams.607I run into the otherroom. He's crumpled on the floor in front of the chair, tricklingblood from his mouth."Oh, God." I scoophim up, hug himdose, and see he'sokay, except for biting through his bottom lip. He stopscrying, looks up at me with big darkeyes, as if to say,You let we fall. Howcould you let me fall?That's not what a mother should do.And it hits me. MaybeMom was right, after all.608Trey Is GoneA very long time. Daylight fades to darkness, and stillno word. I call his cell. Nothing. I put Hunter to bed, worryprickling my senses. I could get high. Instead, I let myselfdoze on the love seat. By the time the creak of the door wakes me, my neck is stiff from tilting so long at an odd angle. That is notconducive to a quiet discussion. "Where the fuck have you been?"Spent all day Job hunting. I figured I deserved a coupleOf beers. You don't have a problem with that, doyou?609I do, actually. Leaving me here, alone, while he's outwho-knows-where? But I'm not going to say that. "Whydidn't you call? Didn't it occur to you I might get worried?"I'm okay, Kristina, I'm okay, you're okay. Everything's okay.I'm a big boy. I know what I'mdoing. And you don't have to worry about where I am or whatI'm up to. You're not my mommy.No way for this to go but from bad to worse. I could fall silent.Ballistic will feel better. "No, I'm not your mommy. But I am a mommy,610and we had an emergency here today. I couldn't get hold of you. Why won'tyou just answer your fucking phone when I call? What's wrong with you?"If I answer, I'll just have to listen to this kind ofshit.... His voice is almost as loud as mine, and now Hunter wakes up. His crying makes my words sink in.As I go to give him a comfort bottle, Trey asks, What kind of emergency?I don't tell him everything, just that Hunter bit through his lip.Trey is contrite. I'm sorry. I should have called. I'll do better, okay?611For a Few DaysHe does do better. He even answers his phone. But he's spending more and more time away.Job hunting, he claims.Seems to me anyone searching that diligently would have found one by now. Maybe playing house isn't his thing after all. I'm afraid to ask. Afraid he'll say I'm right.Without a vehicle, I can't very well make deliveries, so when people call looking, they have to come to me.Grady is here when Trey gets home this evening. We're just about to take a little fest drive when612Trey bangs through the door. He takes one look at Grady. Who the fuck are you?"This is Grady, an old triend. He's hereto b--" Apparently I should have said "customer."Old friend, huh? Like a real good friend? Trey's eyes are glazed. He's wired out of his skull."No, not that kind of friend. What's wrong with you? And how come you're fucked up?"I'm fucked up? Heh-heh. Guess I am. While you were getting high with an old friend, hey so was I.613Grady looks more than slightly uncomfortable as things heat up. "I don't suppose her name was Angela?"Damn, you are psychic.Poor Brad has no idea she's using again. He stops, waits for my responseIt isn't verbal. Before he can possibly react, I'm across the room, in his face, slapping. He puts up his arm, moves into me, and now we're on the floor. As we roll around, I notice the pipe and its contents have spilled into the soiled carpeting. Grady doesn't think twice, rooting.613 614around like a hog in the mud. Fine. Let him have it. I wouldn't smoke that dirty stuft now.We bump heavily against the bedroom door. instantly, Hunter is crying. Bellowing. It's enough to end the battle.615Trey Rolls Off MeAway from me, onto his feet. Take care ofyour baby. He vanishes into the night.Close behind is Grade E, with a sizeable buy and a pilfered rock. I glance around the cluttered room. An ash tray overflows on the coffee table. A glasspipe lies on the floor, midst papers, knocked off a chair. A raft of papers, floating on a swamp of nastycarpet, a place no baby should crawl. The sink cannot possibly616hold another crusty dish. Clothing, dirty and clean, decorates the furniture.I should straighten up. Scrub. Make the place presentable. Habitable.A place I want to be in.But I'm exhausted. Sore. Sore. Too sore to pick up my stuttering baby. I warm a bottle. Similac pacifier. Then I locate the phone."Mom? I know it's late, and I'm sorry. But I need you to come get Hunter."617They Say a PictureIs worth a thousand words.Mom studies the picture that is my apartment, saysnot one word except, This is the right decision.I kiss Hunter good-bye, knowing this is the rightdecision, knowing too that I probably won't seehim again for a while.He goes to Mom with enthusiasm, gooing a hello. Poor baby should be fast asleep. He's going homenow. Home to sleep.618I will not sleep tonight.I sit in the dark, staring out at the stars. Where is Trey? I want to tell him I'm sorry.Want to have "make- up sex." Want to make everything okay again. Stable again. More stable. Minus baby makes two.619I Am Still by the WindowWhen he stumbles in. Wasted. Like me. We don't bother with words, instead collapse into bed, shedding clothes as we go. Finally, sweaty and shaking, I whisper, "I'm sorry. Oh, God. I don't want to be without you."The same hands that only hours ago hurt me now caress me. I'm sorry too. He lays his fingers into finger-shaped bruises. Perfect tits.I can't believe I did this to you. Why do I hurt you when I love you so much? Am I crazy?We both know why, but we don't dare admit it. What would we be if we did? "We're both crazy. I don't care, as long as you're with me. Kiss me. Make love to me, hard. Don't think about it. Hurt me more."620Afterward We lie, knotted together, as it to undothis macrame would unravel us altogether.After a while, Trey sighs.I have to tell you something.Every muscletenses. He's leaving. Or he's been with Angela. Or he wants to be.I haven't been Job huntingall the time I've been away....I don't want to hear this. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to share him.I've been going to the casinos.I... I'm not lucky at gambling.He's not leaving. I don't have to share him. Wait. Gambling? He's been gambling? And losing?621I'm sorry. I thought I could make a little profit, to get a nicer place.My body stiffens and bends in half, like a mannequin, sitting."Where did you get the money?"From the lockbox. I know someofit was to get more speed....Yes, and for rent. Electricity. Phone. Gasoline. And, until a few hours ago, baby food. "How much is left?"I don't know. Not much. But there's still a little glass. We can seil it...622Lockbox. I spring from bed, rush to its hiding place, line up the numbers on the lock. One hundred sixteen dollars.Trey is still talking. We just have to stay out of it until we make our money back.Stay out of what? Oh, the stash. Right. We're so very good at that. I sit back in the chair beneath the window, stare at the same stars in the same night sky. Inside, everything is different. Again.623I Still Love TreyBut I can't trust him, and so the love feelsdifferent.I still love Hunter, but know he's better off away from me, and so the love is distant I still love Brad, in some warped way, even though I was discarded, used then tossed aside, like a once-favorite toy, outgrown.Funny, but I still love Chase. Seeing him, married and moved on, stuffed me with pain. Itthrobs, stabs. But that isn't so bad. At least I know I'mstill alive.624Alive and ThrobbingI've formulated a plan. First I put in a call to Cesar, who tellsmeto stop by anytime. Code words for There's plenty around.Nextwe have to seil what little is left in the lockbox. I put Trey on that. Anyone but Angela is fair game. He'd better leave that ho alone or start packing.I stash a couple of pipes füll, just in case everything goes to shit. I mean more to shit. I've avoided doing what I'm going to do, because if we screw this up, we'll have Mexican Mafia on our ass. Not a good thing. No, not at all. So I guess the message is: Do not screw this up!625Trey returns with a couple hundred bucks and we head for Fernley.Leon lets us out of the car, a good omen. Cesar greets us with his usual not-quite-smile. That doesn't change as I tell him we want to up our regulär. Holding this much meth halfway scares the crap out of me.I offer Cesar three bills, which leaves us with sixteen wholedollars until we manage, to off a great deal of glass. "I knowwe're really Short, but we had to change apartments. Can you front us the rest? We'll get you the money by nextweek. We've got buys626lined up," Major lie. Better to call it a bluff. Makes it sound more like a game. Cesar shrugs. You been a prettygood customer. No reason to think you won't make good. Butfuck wit' me,you am'gonna like what happens. You know?Oh yeah, we know.627The Plan Has FlawsLike, the rent is due and we'reout of cash. I give the manager a sob story about the baby gettingsick. Since the baby isn't here, she buys it, gives us a few days to catch up, with a little interest.Translation: twenty-five for her.Like, we really need to seil someice right now, and everyone seems to be a little Short on cash or set for the foreseeable future. Treyactually goes downtown to peddle small quantities to tourists and carddealers--an inspired wayto play.Like, because we're not selling it very quickly, we're tempted to go ahead and smoke it. First the profitgoes up in a cloud of exhaled ice.Next goes the investment capital, or it would be investment capital, but it wasn't our capital to invest.628Like, by the time we're supposed to pay Cesar what we owe him, we're even further behind than when Iconcocted that ridiculous plan.We don't have dose to what he's expecting, and wouldn't, even ifwe sold everything that's left.Anyway, we can't seil everythingthat's left, or we won't have any personal, or any way to get more.Which leaves us pretty wellscrewed. Like 100 percent screwed, unless I can, with lightningspeed, concoct a workable Plan B.629Plan BRevolves around that we need money. Lots of it and fast.Three possible ways to come up with it.Beg.Not really my style. I mean, I suppose I could call Mom, tell her I can't even afford food. But would she believe me, and would she care even if she did?Borrow.I could maybe call Leigh, ask for a loan until payday, lie and tell her there really is a payday coming up soon. But she's not exactly rolling in money herseif.Or steal.I 've never considered this option before. Course, I never had to. Would I even be good at it? Who would I steal from? And afterward, would I feelno remorse?630One Thing's for SureIf I'm going to steal, Trey has to be in on it. This is his fault to begin with. "So, any ideas how we might come up with some cash, uh, illegally?"You mean like counterfeiting?Huri. That thought never crossed my mind. We couldn't do that, could we? "No. I meant more like ... hmm, borrowing. With no intent to repay."You aren't serious, are you?"Far as I can see, we don't have much of a choice. We're almost dry, and we've got to make good with Cesar to get more ... and stay in one piece."Well, I'm not about to snatch purses.631Sheesh. Never thought of that, either. "What if I could get hold of some checks. Think we could get away with cashing them?" I have an idea where to get some.Probably. At least with a fake ID.Fake ID. Good idea. It could, in fact, come in handy in a number of ways. But I have no idea how to get one. "How could I get one of those?"oI do happen to know this guy....A guy who makes them for College students. A guy who once helped Trey himself out. A guy who isn't the least bit difficult to get hold of.That must be some kind of sign.632The Guy LivesIn a little brick house, with a white picket fence and flowers in the yard, a few blocks from the university.He greets Trey with a nod, says to me, Hi. I'm Frank. Come in.Frank doesn't look like a crook. He looks like a Computer nerd, which he most definitely is.His turn to check me out. So, you want to get into the clubs?"Uh, yeah. Can you help me out? Guess I don't quite look twenty-one." Perfect. Just perfect.No problem. Come on. Let'stake your picture.633Digital this. Special programthat, my new ID is almost ready togo. Just one thing missing.What name did you want here? Most people use someone eise's.Well, duh. Of course I want to use someone eise's, the someone whose name will be on the checks."Put Marie Springer."634Now All I Have to DoIs figure out how to get the checks.Best if no one is home. I give Mom a call. A bit of small talk, then I ask,"When is Jake's next baseball game?Trey and I thought we might stop by." I'm turning into an experienced liar.I listen for a tone of suspicion, but canfind not a trace when Mom informs me, Friday at three. He's starting pitcher."Very cool. Are you bringing Hunter?"Like she would leave him with a baby-sitter. If she's going, he's going too.Her voice totally cools. Ofcourse.We're going out to dinner afterward.You're welcome to come with us.Everything clicks completely into place. Unreal. Maybe we'll take you up on that. See you Friday.635Who Knew BurglaryCould be such a piece of cake?A major dose of the monster provides plenty of courage.Trey parks his car well away from the house, and we hoof it from there. I could use mykey, but we want this to look like the real deal, so we go around back, trying Windows as we go. We're in luck with the laundry room.It's a small window, but I shimmy through, then unlock the sliding glass door, just like real burglars might do. Wait. We're real burglars, and getting caught would mean jail.636Getting caught doing any of this would mean major jail time. Why worry about it now? Mom keeps her checks in her desk. I locate the box, dig down for the bottom batch. Let's go!insists Trey. But I want to make this look real, so I go into Mom's bedroom, empty her jewelry boxand, for good measure, grab the digital camera, too. Out the oor, no one the wiser. For now.We even stop by the game. Fifthinning, Jake has been replaced.And we're too wired for dinner.637Mom Can't Have a ClueAbout what we just did, where we just came from. But she definitely knows we're high.She gives Hunter to Scott, pulls me down the Steps, behind the bleachers. Trey stays behind.Mom puts her hands on my cheeks, squeezes as she looks into my eyes. I can imagine how they look.God, Kristina. Look atyou. Ifyou keep this up, you're going to die. Are you trying to die?I can't look that bad, can I? [You can. Do. But play the game. Deny.] "What do you mean?"Concern becomes anger. You know what I mean. Jesus. How stupid do you think I am? I know638fucked up when I see it, and you're fucked up every time I see you. You've got to stop. Ordie."Don't you get it, Mom? I really don't give a shit it I die. What, exactly, is there to live for?"Holy crap. Did I just say that? And did I mean it? Damn, maybe I did. Maybe I really did.Mom's eyes tear up. There's not a lot more to say, is there?I'm your mother, andI'll always love you. But I can't watch this any-more. Clean up. Or don't call again.639I Locate the Ladies' RoomLuckily, it's empty, no one to see the vacant-eyed girl, staring in the mirror. Staring at a stranger who doesn't care if she dies. Maybe wants to die.Who would care if I died?My face is hollow-cheeked, spiced with sores-- the places where I stab at bugs. Tiny bugs, almost invisible, but irritating.Usually they come out at night, when I'm lyingthere, begging for sleep.I've been meaning to tell the managerthat the apartment needs to be640sprayed. Sprayed. Steam cleaned. Deodorized.My hair looks odd too. It used to be darker. Shinier. Prettier. Can hair lose color when you're only eighteen What if I go all the way gray? Will Trey still love me? Will anyone?That is, if I fool them all and don't die.641Trey Is WaitingOutside. One look tells him more than he wants to know.He opens his arms, reels me in.What's the matter? Mom, again?I can't even address that. "Would you care if I died?"He pushes me back, eyesnetting mine like a difficultcatch. What the fuck are you talkingabout? Who said you were going to die? Never mind. Don'ttell me. Your loving mother."Forget about my mother. Do I look like I'm going to die? I feel good, but I look rough.Don't I? Tell methe truth, okay?" That's what I say. But he knows what I need to hear.642Kristina, I don't know whatyour mom had to say to you, but you are beautiful. Incredible. Ifyou died, it would break me in two.You taught me what love is.How could I live without you?He kisses me, and it's better than our very first kiss becauseI know it means more than his just wanting to get into my pants. It'saffirmation. After all thesemonths, all the good and bad, he really does love me.As much--or more--asI love him. That makes everything worth it--the lying. The stealing.The leaving others in mydust. The inseparable guilt.643GuiltyKa-ching! Guilty? You betcha. Factis, I'm going to get guiltier, soon as I can figure out how to cash a few checks. Checks, with my mom's name on them. Cash 'em, with a fake ID, with Mom's name forged on it. Paid for with owed-for ice. So what now? Do Icash one big check, hope the bankdoesn't ask just why do you need so much cash right thisminute? Or do I cash onehere, cash one there, this they add up just right. Oh, here you go, Cesar dearest, and oh, could you front us please, one more time, thank you! U I L T Y!644Trey CounselsMe to write several smaller checks, cash them at different locations. In similarfashion, we hock the jewelry at three pawnshops, in three towns. All ask for a name. None requires an ID. Go figure.I do feel kind of bad about offing a couple of Grandma's rings. One is Mom's favorite. But hey, if she liked it that much, she shouldn't have kept it where some stupid burglar could find it. Steal it. Pawn it.Take the money and pay off her debt to La Eme, ask for another front. Perhaps not the best move, but I'm no longer worried about making those. I'm just trying to stay high and survive, whatever that takes. I have no plans645for the future. Any future. As Cesar might say, Que serä, serä. What will be, will be. No one lives forever, do they? For some, living longer, slower, less complicated lives is their only goal. Personally, I need to live faster, even if it means dying younger. Don't ask me why. As for the guilt, it comes and goes. Mostly, it's gone, right along with Mom's jewelry and a chunk of her money. Part of me thinks she deserves it. Another part doesn't know why.646I Consider That in the ShowerScrubbing off yesterday's sweat, last night's sex. All of a sudden, the front door throbs with noise.Knocking. Pounding. Thumping. Whoever it is wants a reaction.But who? The manager? Cops? Shaking, I wrap a towel around myself, wishing Trey was here instead of making a delivery.A glimpse out the peephole givesno definitive answers. It's a guy in a suit. Detective? If I don't answer, he'll go away, but I'm guessing he'll be back. At least my semi-naked State will give me the excuse to go into the other room, dispose of evidence if need be. I crack the door around the chain. "Yes?"647Kristina Georgia Snow? He slides a sheaf of papers through the opening. Consideryourself served. The manturns on his heel, leaves without threatening to come inside. Not a detective. Only a process server. Relieved but still shaking, I forcemyself to look at what's written on the papers. Something about Hunter?I read further. Despite the heftylegalese, I understand the gist of the six-page document. Mom and Scott have filed for custody. They claim I'm an unfit mother, cite drug abuse and several instances of observed "unstable behavior."They're asking to be appointed legal guardians. Immediately.648If I Want to Fight ThemI'll have to pass a drug test. Go to court.Talkto a judge. Tell him why I'm more Fit to raise Hunter than Mom and Scott are. Convince him those instances of unstable behavior were justified. Or aberrances. Do I want to fight? Am I more fit to raise him? Am I fit to raise him at all?649Do I want to raise him? Am I ready for full-time motherhood? The answer to all these questions:"How the fuck do I know?"650When Trey Qets BackI show him the papers. He is kind. Reasonable.It's up toyou. I'll supportyou, whateveryou decide.But I've already pretty much made up my mind.They'll take good care of him. And it's only temporary.That's right. I can always go to court for him later.Meanwhile, we'll find a nicerplace. Get our feet under us.A bigger place, in a better neighborhood. Good schools.Please don't cry. Come here.I'll make you feel better.We get high. Make love. Lie softly folded together.We're good together, aren't we?And this is just the beginning.651The beginning of what? And why does it feel so much like an ending?652We Live an Endless Mindless cycling.Buzzed. Barely buzzed. Crash.Buzzed again.Recycling.Buzzed. Barely buzzed. Crash.Buzzed again.Augmented by a different cycling.Score. Pay up. Deal.Score more.Or, depending on what's due when,Score.Forge checks. Pay up. Score more.653I don't worry about getting caught. I don'tworry about me at all, although I could worry aboutKristina and Mom. Kristina and Hunter. Kristina and Trey.Kristina and the monster.Call me stupid, but I do, in tact, worry aboutTrey and Angela.Trey and casinos.Trey, helping himself to the contents of the lockbox.654On a Whim I pick up a newspaper. Maybe I'll get a Job. A new direction.A way outWhy dol think Ineed that? Doesn't matter. I alreadyspent the fifty cents for the paper. And hey, since I bought it, might as well read it. What's going on in the world?Perhaps a new war? New president? Not that either event wouldaffect me.Anyway, Section B, page three, I come across a photo..Definitely655[an ugly] me, cashing a check at a local bank. The caption reads:Doesanyone know thiswoman? Flick me. Someone out theredefinitely does.656First Things FirstTrey and I decide our abode is no longer a safe place to stay. Not only does the greed-fed manager know us, but a process server has lately been by. I'm not real sure he got a good look at me, but you never know. That guy is no doubt always on the prowl for an easy buck. Secret Witness is painless pickings. The major bummer is, we just paid the rent. But such is the not-pretty life of a dealerIburglarIforger. What a mouthful!An ugly mouthful of crap," defining me. But no worries. We toss most of our belongings into suitcases and boxes. Two suitcases. Three boxes. Trey plus me equals: not a whole lot more shit. We have to write off most of the furniture. Garage-sale, oh well.657The best thing to do would be to go far, far away. But we're glass-heavy, cash-light.Trey has the Solution. We'll sleep in the car until we're off the meth. Then we'll score onemore time. A big one, before we take off.I hear ice is a big commodity in the Midwest.Good plan. One we settle on. We move into the Mustang. Seil a shitload of crystal.Go to Fernley for one final score. A major one. Cesar is happy to front us a half pound.After all, we've always made good on his fronts. Always come back for more. Always ...658But This TimeWe have no plans to come back. No plans to pay up. No plans to stay in this place. The only place I've ever known as home.An ending.But we won't head east. We'll go west, to California, where meth was first invented and remains the drug of choice. Is this a beginning ?I wish I could feel. Or maybe not. If I could, I would feel loss. Hunter. Mom. Jake. Leigh. Even Scott, who has always been there for me. They say meth affects the brain. Destroys the pleasure center. Could it smash the pain center too? Would feeling pain be better than feeling numb?659HomelessOut of Nevada, we touch down in California. Unsure of where to go from here, we decide we need food.McD's okay? We should probably eat cheap for a while.We're on a downswing.Sleepy. Hungry. Empty. "Cheap is good, as long as there's a lot of it."Ronald would be proud.Big Macs and fries, times two?"Times two, twice." Fuck it. I can invest a few calories. Not like I've eaten a whole lot lately.Okay. But you know I'm not real fond of Two- Ton-Tessies."Love me fat, love me skinny.Just keep loving me. Hey, sounds like a song. Love me--"660You might want to work on it before you try out for American Idol.We locate a McDonald's off the freeway, go inside to pee, order our fifteen-dollar feast.Let's eat in the car. Looks like they're getting ready to dose.It is pretty late. Trey pulls the Mustang back into a dark corner of the parking lot.No one will bother us here.Oh, man, this shit tastes great.He's right. It does. And as my belly fills with greasy food, my eyes grow heavy.We shouldn't swing for a room. Let's sleep in the car, okay!'661It's not the comfiest bed. But it is free. And we don't dare drive anywhere this tired.We'll make LA. tomorrow. Wecan bunk with a buddy then.Cool. Whatever. Meanwhile I'm just going to dose my eyes, slip into Dreamville.662Tap-Tap-TapTapping on the glass. Glass? Where am I? And who's knocking?Come on. Wake up!Car. I'm in a car. Trey's car. And he's here too, arms around me, trying to wake up, just like I am. I don't want to. I want to sleep.Hello? Open the window!Just a minute. Just a freaking minute. I manage to open my eyes.The guy outside the window, the one who's been knocking, wears a uniform.His flashlight parts the darkness, seeks immediate information.Good evening. May I see some ID?663Trey politely offers his license. Something wrong, Officer?Don't you know you can't sleep here?Sorry. We had no idea. It's just that we got off the freeway...The cop shines his light in our eyes. Then he speaks directly to me.How 'boutyou, miss? ID?The cop takes our licenses back to his car. I'm getting a very badfeeling. Trey notices. Don't panic. Eventually, the uniform returns.Please step out of the vehicle.Holy shit. There can't be an APB out for me already, can there?664Someone would have had to identify me, right? Could it happen this fast?You say you're just passing through?Okay, maybe it isn't an all points bulletin. Maybe he's just being nosy--doing his Job. "That's right." I give himmy best smile. "We can just be on our way____"Mind if I take a quick look inside?He wants to search the Mustang. The meth is in the lockbox, under the front seat. It would take a Warrant to unlock that. Maybe he won't bother.Maybe he won't even see it. Trey must be thinking the same thing.He looks over at me, gives a small shrug. "Sure," I say. "Why not?"665A Second Patrol CarJoins the party as Cop Number One leans inside the Mustang, flashlight at the ready. It takes about two seconds for him to find the lockbox, extract it, place it on the seat.Surprise! It isn't locked.And talk about surprised. One of Sacramento's finest has just discovered a half pound of 90 percent pure crystal methamphetamine. You should see the look on his face. He'll be the talk of the locker room for days.No surprise. We're fucked.666Cuffed Totally busted. We are stuffed into separate cars, hauled oftto city jail. It's a short ride, not even long enough to think about what will happen next.Poked. Prodded. Grilled. Well done. Through it all I stay calm. Silent. The ball is in--ha-ha-ha-- their court now.667I'm allowed a call. Need to call some-one, let them know where I am. What's happened. But who? Mom? Don't think so--like she needs more ammunition. Brad? Uh-uh. He never bothered to check up on me.One person might actually care. One person might actually answer his phone. "Hello, Quade...? 668Jail Regulars WillTell YouNot to get busted on Friday night. Law demands arraignment within forty-eight hours. But weekends don't count.Four days before we mightbe granted bail. (Highly doubtful. We're not only flight risks, but mostly broke.)Four days before we can get a feel for our future. Four days to come to grips with the thought we might be here awhile.Four days without a cigarette.Smoke-free lockup. Whose stupid idea was that? Inmates in deep withdrawal. Idiotie!669Four days without the monster, and that withdrawal doubles me over. Makes me sweat. Shiver. Puke, in and out of thetoilet.Four days wishing I were dead, instead of screaming back at the monster. Dead, instead of running from the demons. Demons, rampant in thisGodlessplace.670The Officers on DutyDo keep an eye on things. But they don't exactly come rushing to my rescue.Don't worry. You'll survive, says one, a woman about the size of a steer.Frigging tweakers are all alike. Whiners. Sweat thatshit out ofyour System, you'll be good as new, 'cept for lacking a few brain cells. You wanna see ugly watch a wino in lockup, fightingd.t.'s. Oh, mama, now that is some scary shit.671I've heard hard-core alkiescan die without booze. That they bring 'em fixes, so theydon't croak in custody. I call that out-and-out prejudice. Injustice. Maybe I should sue.672I Don't See TreyUntil the arraignment. We share the defendants' table, the public defender who stands with us. Share a "not guilty" plea to several charges, including possession of and trafficking methamphetamine, importing it across the State line.The only other thing we'll share for quite a while is our fate. Already indexed in that mostly unwritten book is extradition. Nevada wants us also. Serious charges there, too.No longer will Trey and I share an apartment, a car, a bed. Won't share a pipe. A cigarette. A kiss. Won't share promises. Dreams. Vows.673We will, however, share one very special thing, in the not-too-distant future. A baby. All that poking, prodding, and analysis, in search of AIDS or Hep C, netted that information. Guess it's too late to make that appointment with Planned Parenthood.I only hope I'm out of jail before that big day comes.674One OptionCan shorten my stay. It's not only distasteful but dangerous. Maybe even life-threatening.My public defender, a rat-faced little man with a squeaky voice, brings me the offer.The Feds want to disrupt the flow ofMexican meth into the continental U.S. If you'll turn state's evidence.I don't really hear all the details, through the whir in my brain. But the message comes across loud and clear:Turn in Cesar, pull a lot less time. Some-thing to think about.675We will have to convince courts in two states that your Cooperation will benefit society at large.Now, there's something to put down on a future resume. Right after "felony convictions."676Back in NevadaBehind home-state bars, I have a ton to think about while awaiting sentencing.Hopefully the Feds won't rescind their offer. I'll only have to spend six months in jail. Not so long.Hopefully, they will arrest Cesar, put him away for much longer than that. I'll have to testify against him, but I won't have to pay him.Hopefully, his people will tucktail, sprint back across the border. If not, they shouldn't be able to get me in here.Hopefully,677the Department of Corrections can safeguard me--and those I love--against La Eme-style retribution.Hopefully,Trey and I will hook up again after we get out. Hook up and raise our baby together, or at least share the parenting.Hopefully, he'll write me. If not, Quade has promised to. And I believe him. You're a complete mess, he said. So why do I love you?Hopefully, one day I'll be worthy of his love. Anyone's love. Trey's. Our baby's. Hunter's. Mom's.Hopefully,678she can forgive me for betraying her trust. She knows about everything. She saw the bank photo too. Turned me in.Hopefullymy dance with the monster hasn't caused irreparable harm to me, orto my just-forming baby.Hopefully it will be a girl, a beautiful perfect daughter, with hair like Trey's, eyes like mine.HopefullyI will love every hour of being her mother, even late-night feedings, diaper changings, the whole experience.Hopefully679most hopefully of all, by the time I get out of here, the monster will be nothing more than a distant memory.An unforgettable nightmare.680Yeah, Yeah I realize that's an awful lot of hoping. But hey, I've always been an Optimist...681. don't ask me why.682author's noteThis book continues the story begun in my first novei, Crank. Both books, while fiction, are loosely based on the very real story of my daughter's walk with "the monster" drug crystal meth. Our family is healing, but will always wear the scars of the monster. I hope that by opening our Windows and letting you peek inside, you will gain some insight about the nature of addiction.683Don't miss Ellen Hopkin's Fall out684685[Page Blank686We HearThat life was good before she met the monster but those page-flips went down before ourcollective cognition. Kristinawrotethat chapter of her history before we were even whispers in herwomb.The monster shapedourlives, without our ever touching it. Read on if you dare. Thismemoirisn't pretty.,687Hunter Seth Haskins So You Want to Know All about her. Who she really is. (Was?) Why she swerved off the high road. Hardleft to nowhere, recklessly indifferent to me,Hunter Seth Haskins, her firstborn son. I've been chokingthat down for seventeen years. Why did she goonher mindless way, leaving me spinning in a whirlwind of her dust?688If You Don't Know Her story, I'll try my best toenlightenyou, though I'm not sure of every word of it myself.I suppose I should know more. I mean, it has been recorded for eternity-- a bestselling fictionalization, so the world wouldn't see precisely who we are--my mixed-up, messed- up family, a convolutedcollection of mostly regulär people, somehow strengthened by indissoluble love, despite an ever-present undercurrent of pain. The saga started here:689Forward Kristina Georgia Snowgave me life in her seventeenthyear. She's my mother, but never bothered to bemy mom. That job fell to her mother, my grandmother,Marie, whose unfailing love made her Mom even before she and Dad (Kristina's stepfather,Scott) adopted me.That was really your decision, Mom Claims. You were three when you started calling us Mama and Papa. The other kids in your playgroup had them. You wanted them too We became an official legal family when I was four. My memory of that day is hazy at best, but if I reach way, way back, I can almost see the ladyjudge, perched690likeaneagle, way high above little me. I think she was sniffling. Crying, maybe?Her voice was gentle. I want to thankyou, Mr. and Mrs.Haskins, for loving this child as he deserves to be loved. Please accept this small gift, which represents that love.I don't really remember all those words, but Mom repeats them sometimes, usuallywhen she stares at the crystal heart, catching morning sun through the kitchen window.That part of Kristina's story always makes Mom sad. Here's a little more of the tale.691Chapter One It started with a court-ordered summer visit to Kristina's druggie dad. Genetically, that makes him my grandfather, not that he takes much interest in the role. Supposedly he stopped by once or twice when I was still bopping around in diapers. Mom says he wandered in late to my baptism, dragging Kristina along, both of them wearing the stench of monstersweat. Monster, meaning crystal meth. They'd been up all night, catching a monstrous buzz.It wasn't the first time they'd partied together. That was in Albuquerque, where dearold Gramps lives, and where Kristina met the guy who popped her just-say-no-to-drugs cherry.692Our lives were never the same again, Mom often says. That was the beginning ofsixyears of hell, I'm not sure how we all survivedit. Thann God you were born safe and sound....All my fingers, toes, and a fully functional brain. Yadda, yadda... Well, I am glad about the brain.Except when Mom gives me the old, Whatisup with you? You're a brilliant kid. Why doyou refuse to perform like one? A C-plus in English? If you would just apply yourself'...Yeah, yeah. Heard it before. Apply myself? To what? And what the hell for?693I Kind of EnjoyMyunderachiever Status.I've found the harderyouwork, the more people expect of you. I'd much rather flyway low under the radar.That was one of Kristina'sbiggest mistakes, I think--insisting on being right-up-in-your-face irresponsible.Anyway, your first couple years of College are supposed to be about havingfun, not about deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life. Plenty of time for all that whenever.I decided on UNR--University of Nevada, Reno--not so much because it was always a goal, 694but because Mom and Daddid this prepaid tuition thing, and I never had Ivy Leagueambitions or the need to venturetoo far from home. School is school.I'll get my BA in Communications, then figure out what to do with it.I've got a part-time radio gig at the X, an allowance for incidentals, and I live at home. What morecould a guy need? Especiallywhen he's got a girl like Nikki.695Picture the Ideal GirlAnd you've got Nikki. She's sweet. Smart. Cute. Oh, yes, and then there's her body. I'm not sure what perfect measurements are, but Nikki's got them, all wrapped up in skin like sun-warmed mocha silk. Delicious, from lips to ankles, and she's mine. Mine to touch, mine to hold. Mineto kiss all over herflawlessdeliciousness. Plus, she's got her own place, a sweet little house near campus, where I can do all that kissing--not to mention what comes after the kissing--in private.I'm done with classes for the day, and on my way to Nikki's, with a little extra tun tucked inside my pocket. Yeah, I know getting high isn't so smart. Ask me if I care.