Lost and Found

LostandFound

To find happiness, first you have to find yourself.

Krissa has always been the responsible one. Driven to fulfill her mother’s abandoned dreams, to make her husband Derek happy. She’s brought that single-minded determination to the one dream she has for herself—a child. Except she and Derek can’t conceive, and Derek refuses to consider using a stranger’s sperm. The result? Guilt that her desperation is causing their marital rift.

The last thing they need is a long-term houseguest, but Derek’s best friend Nate, a nomadic photographer recovering from a career-threatening eye disorder, has nowhere else to go.

Nate thought his friends’ home would be a temporary haven from the grief that has dogged his heels since his wife died. Instead he’s in the middle of a marriage in meltdown. Soon their friendship develops an underlying hum of forbidden sexual tension. When Krissa proposes a wild idea—that Nate be their sperm donor—Derek has an even wilder proposal: bypass the fertility clinic and accept Nate’s donation straight from the source.

At first, Krissa believes she’s on the fast track to having her dream. But it quickly becomes clear that when the heart gets involved—and secrets are revealed—the simplest of arrangements can become entangled beyond belief. Or repair…

Warning: This title contains a man who’s lost, the woman he finds, sizzling ménage sex, tender romantic sex, love lost and love found.

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This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the writer’s imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locale or organizations is entirely coincidental.

Samhain Publishing, Ltd.

577 Mulberry Street, Suite 1520

Macon GA 31201

Lost and Found

Copyright © 2010 by Kelly Jamieson

ISBN: 978-1-60928-048-2

Edited by Tera Kleinfelter

Cover by Natalie Winters

All Rights Are Reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

First Samhain Publishing, Ltd. electronic publication: June 2010

www.samhainpublishing.com

Lost and Found

Kelly Jamieson

Dedication

For anyone who ever wanted to write something different and was told “you can’t do that”—yes, you can. Thank you, Samhain!

Lost and Found

Chapter One

“There must be a mistake.” Krissa’s husband’s voice broke the ponderous silence in the doctor’s office. “You’ve made a mistake.”

“I’m sorry,” Dr. Edgar repeated. Did he really think saying that would make them feel any better? “The tests were repeated and the results were the same.”

“Bullshit,” Derek said. “You…”

“Derek.” Krissa murmured his name and he stopped.

Krissa reached for Derek’s hand and his fingers tightened around hers. She drew in a long, quivery breath. She glanced at him, his face hard, lips pressed together, eyes staring across the doctor’s office, apparently at the framed certificates on the bland beige wall. Hot tears stung her eyes, but she blinked them back.

“So what do we do now?” Derek’s voice was thick, unfamiliar.

“Well, at this point there are a few options,” Dr. Edgar said.

Krissa’s throat tightened. They’d talked about the “options” already. Over the last two years, they’d talked about every conceivable option.

Now they knew for sure where their problem lay, their options were reduced. But they still had options.

She squeezed Derek’s hand reassuringly.

“Yeah, we know the options.” Derek gave a jerky nod, rose from his chair and walked abruptly out of the office

“Thank you, Dr. Edgar.” Krissa stood too, and followed Derek with an apologetic glance over her shoulder at the doctor.

Derek strode down the hall, and she focused on his broad back as she tried to keep up with him, followed him out of the clinic and into the parking lot.

The sun burned her already-stinging eyes as she stepped outside. She swallowed past the obstruction in her throat and dug for her sunglasses in her purse.

Derek’s long legs and obvious agitation carried him faster than Krissa could walk in her narrow skirt and heels, and she scurried across the parking lot toward him.

“Derek, wait.”

They’d come in two cars, Derek from his office and her from home, so she could go to her client meeting after their appointment with Dr. Edgar. She panted, paused with her hand on his arm while he unlocked the vehicle.

“What?” He yanked open his door and slid his long body into the driver’s seat.

Krissa’s chest squeezed painfully and she tried to take a deep breath. She hurt everywhere…hurt for Derek. And for herself, too.

She stood there beside the open door of the car. Derek looked straight ahead, held the keys in his hand. The summer sun had heated the interior of the car to sauna temperature, and sweat glistened on his forehead. He ran a finger inside his collar, his tie snug against his throat.

“Wait,” she said again, softly, putting her hand on his shoulder. The fabric of his suit was warm, soft, lightly padded over the muscle and bone of his broad shoulder. “Are you okay?”

He stared straight ahead. “Of course I’m okay. I’m fine.”

Her throat ached. He must be feeling so crappy, now that he knew what was wrong.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s okay, sweetheart.” She tightened her fingers on his shoulder.

She watched his Adam’s apple bob.

“It’s not okay,” he growled. His head dipped. “It’ll never be okay. Don’t even say it’s okay.”

Breath seeped out of her, leaving her hollow and aching. What could she say? What could she possibly say to make him feel better?

“I love you, Derek.”

He nodded, still didn’t look at her. “Love you too, baby.”

“We’ll talk later. At home.”

“Yeah.” He started the car, turned up the air. She felt the hot gust even outside the car.

“Okay.” She stepped back and let him close the door. He reversed out of the parking spot and sped away.

Krissa pressed her hand to her mouth and watched his car pull out of the parking lot onto Ocean Drive. Should he be driving right now?

A mother carried a baby in a car seat past Krissa and into the clinic. Did that mother even know how lucky she was?

A man walked out of the building, studying a prescription. Probably something that would make him better, whatever his problem was.

Nothing would fix this problem.

And now she was supposed to go meet with a client? My God. Her world had just been shaken as if a six-point-O tremor had rocked the San Andreas Fault just behind those mountains over there, and she had to go talk about employee rewards and incentives.

She turned, searching for her car, momentarily unable to remember where she’d parked it. She pushed her hair back off her face, her silk blouse sticking to her back beneath her suit jacket. She started walking, blindly, heels clicking on the pavement.

She paused, blinked, looked around her. Lord, she’d walked right past her car.

She sat in the car for long moments, her head feeling like a bubble.

It was good to have an answer. To finally know. They’d talk. They’d figure out what they were going to do next.

She blew out a breath, pointed the air conditioning vent directly at her hot face, and drove to her meeting at Phoenix Insurance to discuss her plan to help improve their staff morale.

He wasn’t answering his cell phone.

Krissa clicked off the phone and dropped it onto the counter.

After her meeting at Phoenix, she’d gone home, changed into shorts and a tank top, then made dinner. She had no interest in eating, but still she’d prepared one of Derek’s favorites—beef bourguignon, with little potatoes and a salad. The beef slow cooking in the oven filled the house with the rich aroma of herbs and red wine…but he still wasn’t home to eat it.

Where the hell was he? He hadn’t mentioned any client meetings tonight. She glanced at her watch again and sighed.

She wandered across the kitchen, terra cotta tiles cool beneath her bare feet, and stood at the sliding glass doors onto the deck. She stared at the Pacific Ocean. Evening sun glinted off the waves, whitecaps dotting the intense stretch of azure from foamy shore to hazy horizon.

The time when she needed him, when they should be together, bolstering each other, reassuring each other, Derek had done another vanishing act. Poof. Krissa swallowed painfully and leaned her forehead against cool, smooth glass. She needed him. Needed to know he was okay. Needed to know they were okay.

The phone rang.

She turned and ran for it, almost tripping over the table. “Derek?”

“Uh…no. It’s Nate.”

Krissa blinked. “Nate.”

“Yeah. I gather Derek’s not there?”

“Um, no.” Her mind was spinning. Nate…omigod. She’d completely forgotten Nate was arriving tonight.

“He was supposed to pick me up at the airport,” Nate continued, amusement coloring his voice. “Where the hell is he?”

“I wish I knew.” Her heart thudded slowly in her chest. “I’m sorry, Nate. I was expecting him home for dinner and he hasn’t shown up yet. I completely forgot about you.”

“Well. Thanks so much.”

“No…I’m sorry. I just…” What to tell him? Her mind was a big empty space, full of nothing but pain, longing and fear, with no room for remembering details of daily life like Derek’s old friend arriving to stay with them.

“I’ve been calling his cell phone and he’s not answering,” she told Nate. “He must have forgotten, too.”

“Nice.” Now a touch of annoyance edged his voice.

“I’m really sorry. Look, I’ll come get you. It’ll take me twenty minutes to get there.”

“Okay.” Now he sounded really annoyed. Shit.

She turned off the oven. The potatoes would be mush by the time they ate them. Oh well. She grabbed her keys and purse and hurried out to her car.

How could they have forgotten about Nate arriving tonight? She hadn’t been happy he was coming to stay with them. Not the way things were. Their life was in turmoil, and now, after getting the news from Dr. Edgar, they didn’t need another person hanging around their house.

How were they supposed to talk things out with Nate there?

How were they supposed to talk things out when Derek didn’t even bother to come home?

As she sped along the 101 from Montecito through Santa Barbara she stared straight ahead, throat tight.

But Nate had problems of his own, and when he’d called last week to see if he could stay with them, Derek couldn’t say no. Nate was his best friend. They hadn’t seen him for almost two years. Two years since tragedy had demolished Nate’s own life. The memory of that squeezed Krissa’s heart.

She pulled up in front of the small airport terminal, eyes searching for him. Her gaze skimmed over a tall man sitting on a suitcase, then went back to him. It was Nate. He looked…thinner. Those dark wraparound sunglasses disguised him, but she’d always know him. He still had an athlete’s body, his shoulders wide and muscled, his legs long and lean in faded jeans. His brown hair was longer, more tousled than it had been two years ago.

When he turned her way, she lifted a hand. He stood and grabbed his bags, one of which no doubt carried all his camera equipment. Krissa popped the trunk of the BMW, then hopped out to see if he needed help.

“Nate.” She walked up to him and opened her arms for a hug. He hesitated, then pulled her against him. “I’m so sorry we forgot about you,” she murmured into his chest. “It’s a long story.”

Despite having apparently lost some weight, he still felt big and solid. He smelled like warm male, with a faint hint of soap and cinnamon chewing gum. It felt so good to be held, it made Krissa realize how long it had been since she and Derek had hugged like this…just hugged, not for the purpose of having sex or procreating, just to connect and show affection.

“You can tell me later.” Nate’s arms tightened fractionally around her, then released her. Dark glasses hid his eyes and his square jaw with a shadow of beard and straight mouth gave him a grim, hard look.

She forced a smile. “Yeah. How are you?”

“Shitty, thanks.” One corner of his mouth kicked up in a meager smile.

She turned to his bags. “Here, let me…”

“Don’t be silly.” He hefted them as if they were loaves of bread and heaved them into the trunk. He may have been ill, but he was still strong.

Inside the car, Nate clicked his seatbelt into place. “So your husband is MIA?”

“Yes.” She sighed, glanced over her left shoulder and pulled out into traffic. “We…had some bad news today. I think he’s taking it hard.”

“Ah.”

She tensed, waiting for him to ask, dreading having to tell the story, or worse, tell him it was none of his business. But he didn’t ask.

He looked around. “It’s nice to be home.”

“Really?” She shot a sideways glance his way. “I didn’t think you were ever going to come back.”

He stared silently out the side window. “I wasn’t sure if I ever was either.”

“It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah. It has.” He nodded. “The funny thing is, I was planning on coming back to the States next month anyway. A gallery in L.A. is having a show of my work.”

“Oh, wow! That’s great, Nate.”

He shrugged. “Not much point in going now.”

“But, you have to go. It’s your show.”

He turned to her, and she felt the intensity of his eyes even though she couldn’t see them. She wished she could. She hated it when she couldn’t see people’s eyes. He shook his head. “I don’t think I can face people like this.”

She licked her lips, unsure what to say. “Maybe you’ll be better by then.”

Again, his shoulders lifted. “Who knows.”

“What do the doctors say?”

“They have no fucking idea.” The harshness in his voice had her shrinking into her seat. “They think I’ll get better, but they don’t know when.”

“Oh, Nate. They would never tell you they think you’ll get better if they weren’t pretty sure.”

“Whatever.” He looked out the side window.

Another man in her life was hurting, dealt a crappy hand in the poker game of life, and she couldn’t make it better, didn’t know how to make him feel better. This one wasn’t even her fault, but she ached for him anyway.

Lost and Found

Chapter Two

Where the hell was Derek? And what was the bad news they’d just gotten? Krissa looked like she’d been crying. Were they fighting? Nate’s gut tightened. He didn’t need more shit in his life right now. Maybe coming here had been a big mistake.

He couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. He’d been a loner, a nomad for so long, traveling the globe, taking his pictures. Derek and Krissa had been his best friends, years ago, but he hadn’t been much of a friend in return, taking off, barely taking the time to e-mail them to let them know he was okay.

Ironically, his professional successes had piled one on top of another despite the pain and agony in his personal life. Until now.

Nate watched Krissa drive. He’d forgotten how beautiful she was. Her slender arms were bare, muscles shifting under golden skin as she turned the wheel. Her small nose and firm chin created a sweet profile, long lashes fluttering as her eyes moved from the road to the rearview mirror, ahead again.

There was a time when he’d envied Derek. When they’d both met Krissa, and Derek had immediately put the moves on her. If Derek hadn’t…well, that’d been a long time ago.

Krissa drove down a circular street lined with huge Mediterranean-style houses. Nate hadn’t been home since she and Derek had sold their cottage near the beach in Santa Barbara and moved to this Montecito mansion. Derek’s real estate business was apparently doing well—Nate was sure these houses were all easily worth two or three million.

She pulled into a driveway, facing double garage doors. The white stucco house topped with red clay tiles stretched wide on either side of the garage and towered above them.

“Here we are,” she announced.

She led the way into the house, disarmed an alarm system, and Nate followed her into a cool and quiet foyer with a high ceiling. Gleaming hardwood floors stretched in front of them, to the left into the dining room and to the right into the living room. The delicious aroma of red wine and beef teased his sense of smell.

He followed Krissa into a huge open space at the rear of the house, a family room and kitchen, bright and white, with light wood cupboards. A wall of windows stretched across the back of the house, revealing spectacular ocean views.

“Wow.” He set his bags down. He lowered the glasses on his nose to get a better look at the stunning house, but despite the setting sun so much light flooded in he had to push them back up.

Krissa smiled faintly. “We’re still working on it,” she said. “We just moved in six months ago.”

“It’s awesome, Krissa.”

“Thanks. I’ll show you your room.”

She led the way upstairs, down a hall, past one, two…Christ, how many bedrooms? At least four. Maybe five. “Here you go.” She stood aside to let him enter the last room on the right. “Oh. Let me get the blinds.”

She crossed the room, and lowered the room-darkening shades on the window, submerging them in darkness. She bent down on flicked on the lamp beside the bed. “Is that okay?”

He nodded, slowly removed his glasses. His eyes were drawn to Krissa, standing there in a tiny pair of white shorts and pink tank top. She wrapped her arms around herself as if she was cold. Her glossy dark hair hung around her shoulders and down her back, and even in the soft light he could see the sparkle in her green eyes.

“This is fine, Kris. I hope I’m not inconveniencing you.”

“Of course not.” But he could tell she wasn’t being completely honest with him. Something was going on. “We’re happy to have you and I’m glad you called us. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Right.”

“Are you hungry? I had dinner all ready, but…” Her throat moved as she swallowed.

“I’m starving,” he lied. “And something smells really good.”

“Beef bourguignon. It’s Derek’s favorite.” Her voice caught as she crossed the room. Nate still stood in the door, so he stepped inside to move out of her way. Their bodies brushed together. “Sorry.”

She flicked her eyes at him, then away. “You can wash up if you like, your bathroom is right there.” She nodded at the door on one wall. “I’ll go get dinner. Come on down to the kitchen when you’re ready.”

He watched her leave, long, sleek bare legs, her cute little ass moving under the white shorts. Whoa. He should not be looking at Derek’s wife like that. Strangely, he hadn’t looked at any woman like that for a long time.

There had been women. He’d had sex. Mindless, physical release. He got horny, he found someone. It was never difficult. The only difficult part was making the women understand he wasn’t interested in anything more than a quick fuck.

Why had Derek pulled a disappearing act? Krissa seemed so upset, although she was trying to hide it. You’d think if they’d gotten some kind of bad news Derek would want to be home with her. Or was there something else going on? Derek better not be screwing around on Krissa. He’d kick his ass if he was.

He used the bathroom, didn’t bother to change out of the worn jeans he’d traveled in from Costa Rica, but did put on a clean T-shirt. Then he found his way back to the kitchen where Krissa was lifting the lid on a steaming pot.

“Hi,” she said. “Everything’s ready. I’m afraid the potatoes are overdone. They were supposed to have been eaten a couple of hours ago.”

“Did you try Derek’s cell phone again?” He sat down on a stool at the long granite counter.

“No.” She dished up plates for them and slid his across the counter to him. “What can I get you to drink? Beer? Cola? Juice?”

“I’d love a beer.”

She went to the big stainless-steel refrigerator with double doors and retrieved a beer for him. After what appeared to be a second thought, she pulled another out for herself.

He nodded, speared a piece of meat with his fork. It melted on his tongue, the tang of spices and red wine exploding against his taste buds. “Wow, this is good, Krissa.” He took another bite.

“Thanks.”

He hadn’t had much appetite since he’d been sick. He’d lost a shitload of weight, and although he’d gained some back, and had been working out to try to regain some muscle, he hadn’t been interested in food. But this was fabulous.

“You’re a great cook.”

She smiled. “I like cooking for people.”

“Perfect. I like eating.” Well, it used to be the truth.

“You look like you lost weight.”

“Yeah. I couldn’t eat for a few weeks. I was on an IV for a while.”

“Oh God.” Her green eyes were full of sympathy. “The hospital in Costa Rica…was it okay?”

“Yeah. It was a decent place in San José.”

“I’m glad you came here to recover.”

“I don’t want to get in your way.”

Their eyes met across the counter. Her smile trembled.

“What’s going on, Krissa?”

Krissa lowered her eyes and pushed food around on her plate with her fork. “I think Derek should tell you.”

He was screwing around, the asshole. Nate gritted his teeth.

“Let’s talk about you,” Krissa said, fake cheerfulness in her tone. “Your photographs have been doing great.”

“Yeah.” His success still amazed him. “After I made that first big sale, things just took off.”

“I hear they’re selling for ten thousand dollars.”

He laughed. “Yeah, now they are. But remember? I sold my first one for two hundred dollars.”

“And didn’t you win an award last year?”

“Fine Art photographer of the Year at the International Fine Art Competition in Tokyo.” He made a face.

“Wow. You’ve come a long way from renting bikes on the beach and selling your photographs at the Sunday Arts and Crafts Show.”

“Yeah. Those were fun times, though.”

She tipped her head. “You were never totally satisfied being a beach bum.”

He nodded, realized he’d almost cleaned his plate. That was the first time that had happened in quite a while.

“Would you like more?” She motioned to his empty plate.

He hesitated. “Sure.” What did he care if Krissa thought he was a pig?

But she seemed pleased as she took his plate and filled it again.

“I heard you also got a book deal.”

His gut clenched. He stared down at the plate, appetite suddenly gone again. “Yeah. Had a book deal. I can’t do it now.”

She slid onto her stool, eyes watching him. “Because of your eyes?”

“Yeah.” His throat tightened. “They gave me a deadline. I couldn’t do it now even if my eyes were better tomorrow.” He picked up his fork.

“I’m sure they would make another offer. Once you’re better. If they wanted you to do a book before, they’ll still want you in a few months.”

“Maybe.” If his eyes got better.

“Tell me what happened.” Her voice was soft, and the caring in it squeezed his chest. “Derek didn’t know much.”

“I was shooting in Costa Rica. I ate some bad fish and got food poisoning. Botulism. I was lucky, because one of the guys I was with was a doctor and he knew immediately what it was. He had it, too. So we both got treatment right away, thank God. But for some reason, one of the side effects is this goddamn light sensitivity.” He shook his head. “It’s apparently a pretty rare side effect, the doctors down there had to look it up on the Internet. And of course, it didn’t affect Mike. Just me.” Bitterness burned inside him. It was the worst fucking thing that could happen to a photographer.

“But you can see?”

“Yeah, I can see, but I can’t take off these damn glasses except inside with the curtains drawn. Makes it pretty hard to take pictures.” It was like constantly looking at everything through a neutral density filter.

“Oh, Nate.” She looked at him with distressed eyes. “It must have been awful. Botulism can be fatal, can’t it?”

“It can be, especially if it’s not treated right away. Often, they don’t realize what’s wrong until it’s too late, so, like I said, I was lucky.”

He grimaced, ate some beef, not wanting to offend Krissa by turning away the food she’d just served him.

He looked up at her. “Derek said you’ve started your own business.”

“That’s right. Consulting. I am now Inspired Solutions.”

“So have you finally found what you want to do?”

She met his eyes—although she probably couldn’t see his behind the damn glasses—and smiled faintly. “I think so.”

“Took you long enough.”

Krissa’s job hopping had been a source of teasing since he’d met her. In her ten years since college, she’d probably worked for ten different companies, ranging from a brewery to a pharmaceutical manufacturer to an insurance company. There was always something wrong with every place she worked, yet her employers always loved her and she never had trouble finding another job.

She laughed. “I know, I know. Luckily Derek’s been doing well, so we could afford for me not to have steady income coming in. But as it turns out, I’ve been really busy.”

“All those companies you worked for probably hire you. They want you back.”

She grinned. “Actually, that’s true. A lot of my clients are former employers. Hey, I know what they need.”

“Good for you.”

“I love it. I don’t have people bossing me around. I get to tell them what to do, and if they don’t listen to me—no problem. I don’t have to work there but I still get the money. It’s perfect.”

“So what do you do for them?”

“Mostly human resource issues—employee rewards and incentive programs, talent acquisition and management, employee health plans. One of my clients is in the process of merging with another company so I’m helping them blend the two cultures. I help companies survey employees about attitudes, satisfaction, engagement and other employee behaviors, and then come up with a plan to deal with whatever issues come to light. I also do retirement counseling. Lots of different things.”

Her passion for her work lit up her troubled eyes and animated her, and she sounded so knowledgeable. She was a smart girl, he’d always known that, despite his teasing. He smiled and a glimmer of pride warmed him inside.

After dinner, they sat on the couch in the family room adjoining the kitchen. The glow of the fire provided just enough illumination, casting flickering lights and shadows over them. Krissa pulled her bare feet up under her on the ivory leather sofa, and clutched a brightly-patterned cushion on her lap.

Then his attention was caught by something behind her—one of his photographs, beautifully framed and hanging on the wall in their family room. He’d taken it in Japan, a black-and-white seascape with his trademark water-smoothing long exposure, the rocky outcrop a jagged black outline against silvery ocean. Huh.

“So are you…is there someone in your life? A girlfriend?”

Her words dragged his attention back to Krissa. Firelight painted her skin with a golden glow, flickered in her eyes. “No.”

“Nobody?”

He frowned. “No.”

“Do you still miss Lauren? It’s hard to get over something like that.”

His jaw tightened. “There’s nothing to get over.”

Her eyes went wide. “What? How can you say that?”

“I’m okay, Krissa.” He shrugged. “It was a long time ago.” He didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t even want to think about it. Thinking about Lauren was pointless, made him remember all the grief, betrayal, uncertainty and anger. Things he’d never expressed to another living soul. Because no one else knew the truth about Lauren’s death. It was much better to just keep those emotions out of his life. He’d done fine without them the last two years.

Tears glimmered on her face. Ah, shit. “Don’t cry, Kris, really, I’m okay.”

“But I’m not.”

Lost and Found

Chapter Three

Oh, why had she said that? The words had emerged shaky and pathetic from her mouth. She wanted to talk about it, wished it was Derek sitting there so they could get this out in the open and deal with it. She could talk to Nate about it. But what if Derek didn’t want Nate to know?

It wasn’t a failure on Derek’s part, but he’d see it that way. It shouldn’t be humiliating, but she knew Derek felt it was.

They should have been prepared for the news Dr. Edgar had given them. Lord knows, they’d had enough time to think about it, worry about it. Hearing it should not have been such a shock.

But having your worst fears confirmed was always a shock.

“I’m sorry. I’m just worried about Derek. I wish I knew where he was.”

“I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Yeah.” She’d been carrying such a load of guilt around for so long. Their problems were all her fault. Derek made that pretty clear to her every damn day. Maybe that’s why this was so difficult for him. Maybe he’d never really believed the problem could be his, not hers. Maybe he was never coming back.

She put her hands over her face.

“Hey, hey.” The couch dipped beneath her as Nate moved toward her, then his arm went around her shoulders and he pulled her into him. His arms were stiff and awkward, as if he hadn’t done such a thing for a long time.

She pressed her face to his chest, inhaling the scent of his cotton T-shirt and warm musky male. His body relaxed a little, and his arms around her felt strong and comforting. One hand cupped the back of her head, then stroked down over her hair. The tenderness of the gesture caused more tears to flood her eyes. She sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know what it is, but if Nate’s done anything to hurt you, I swear I’ll kill the son of a bitch.” Nate’s fierce defense of her made something inside her expand and burst. She tried to restrain the sobs, but ended up blubbering in Nate’s arms.

He held her, pressed her head to his chest and let her cry her heart out. All the tension, the worry, the fear built up in her over the last few months coalesced into a shirt-soaking deluge of tears.

“He hasn’t done anything,” she sobbed.

“Okay.”

His hand stroked her hair, slowly, mesmerizingly, soothing her ragged nerves until her sobbing eased, leaving her quivering and hiccupping for breath.

“Oh, God,” she mumbled into his chest. “I am so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” he murmured. “It’s okay, bunny.”

The old nickname, coming from all her job hopping, touched something deep inside her, deep and warm. He continued to stroke her hair and rub his hand up and down her back. She became aware that the thin cotton of her tank top was a flimsy barrier between her skin and Nate’s warm hand. But it felt so good, so comforting.

“I’ll wait up with you for him,” he murmured, and he pressed his face against the top of her head.

“Thank you.”

They stayed like that, and she took solace in his embrace. They talked about inconsequential things—the house, the weather, mutual friends—while the flickering fire cast a spell and emotional exhaustion took its toll. Krissa fell asleep in Nate’s arms.

A crashing woke her up.

Krissa lifted her head. Where was she? A man’s hard body was beneath her, his strong arms around her. What was that noise?

Some scuffling, another bang and then Derek’s slurred voice from across the room. “Hey. What’sh going on here?”

If that was Derek standing in the kitchen, who was…oh, yeah. Nate. Krissa struggled to sit up, pushing her hair out of her face, while Nate released her and rubbed his eyes.

“Derek.” She sat on the couch, hands on the cushion on either side of her hips as she leaned forward, struggled to focus on him in the dark. “Where were you?”

His shirt was rumpled, tie gone, collar unbuttoned. His suit jacket lay on the floor in a heap with his shoes. His blond hair stood up and he stared at them with blurry eyes.

He took two unsteady steps forward. His brows drew together. “Nate?”

“Yeah, Nate.” Gathering her sleepy wits, she stood up. “You’re drunk, you idiot. Nate is here, remember? You were supposed to pick him up at the airport?”

Derek stared in confusion at his old friend. Nate pushed a hand through his hair and stood up, too. “Hey, man. Good to see you.”

Nate moved over to Derek to give him a masculine hug and slap on the back. Derek returned it but still seemed disoriented. “I forgot you were coming, bud.”

“Yeah, you and Krissa both. Good to know I’m so memorable.”

Derek swayed on his feet.

“Looks like you’ve been having a good time.” Nate’s voice hardened. “Have a seat, man.”

He pushed Derek down to the couch and he went down easily, almost falling.

Krissa wrapped her arms around herself. The room was very warm from the fireplace that had been going for the last few hours, but a chill stroked over her skin. She glanced at her watch. “Derek, it’s two in the morning, for God’s sake. Where the hell have you been?”

He gazed back at her bleary-eyed, sadness not obliterated by intoxication. “I’m sorry, Krissa.”

She rolled her lips in, sank her teeth into the top lip. She closed her eyes, and turned away, her chest tightening.

“Sorry to you too, Nate,” Derek said. “I totally forgot.” He sighed.

“Don’t worry about me,” Nate said. “But Krissa was worried about you, man. Go to bed. We’ll talk in the morning. When you’re sober.”

Derek scrubbed his hands over his face, sagged back into the couch, and blinked at them. “You’re right. I’m an asshole.” He focused on Krissa. “Sorry I didn’t call, baby.”

She shook her head, trying to keep her anger going in the face of his apology. He was not going to get off that easy, this time.

Nate looked at Krissa. “Want me to help get him to bed?”

“I can get to bed.” Derek stood, wavering.

“Sure, buddy. Come on.” Without waiting for Krissa, Nate led Derek up the stairs and into the master bedroom. Krista followed. “My assistance stops at helping you undress,” he told Derek, his mouth quirking at the corners.

“I’ll do that,” Krissa said.

Their eyes met. “Okay. Good night, Krissa.”

“Thanks, Nate.” Her voice was low. He disappeared, shutting their bedroom door behind him.

Krissa turned. Derek had fallen onto the bed, asleep. Or passed out more likely, still fully clothed.

She went into the adjoining bathroom, the brightness of the light stinging her eyes when she turned it on. She stared at herself in the mirror that covered one wall. Her hair was a tangled mess, her eyes swollen from crying, mascara smeared under them. Oh lord, she looked atrocious. Derek hadn’t likely noticed in the condition he was in, but Nate probably had. Then again, they’d been in the dark.

She brushed her teeth and washed her face, changed into the nightie hanging on the back of the door. She flicked off the light and returned to the bedroom.

The rumble of Derek’s snoring and the odor of alcohol, cigarettes and perfume that wasn’t hers permeated the room. Krissa stared at him, lips pressed together, her stomach in a tight knot. Then she left their bedroom, shutting the door behind her and went to sleep in one of the other rooms.

He’d walked into quite the mess.

Maybe it had been a bad decision coming to stay with Krissa and Derek. Things seemed to be a tad unsettled.

Nate stood in the shower in the bathroom attached to his room. Derek and Krissa had moved into a big enough house, considering there was just the two of them. It worked out well for him. He had his own little suite here, with a huge bedroom and attached bath. In a house this size, he could stay out of their way and they’d never have to know he was there. Probably a good thing, especially considering the discussion they were likely to be having this morning.

That was putting it mildly. Derek was out getting hammered while Krissa cried her eyes out at home. Uh, yeah, just your typical marriage.

What the hell did he know about typical marriages? He’d thought his own marriage was perfect. What a fucking idiot he’d been. Ah, well. That’d been a long time ago. Another life.

The only good thing about this upheaval was, it had taken his mind off his own problems.

He grinned as he scrubbed shampoo into his hair. He didn’t envy Derek right then. The guy was going to be majorly hungover and Krissa was going to be pissed beyond belief. He was surprised he didn’t hear the yelling all the way into the shower.

When Nate was dressed he followed the smell of rich coffee down the hall. Someone was up. As he passed by a bedroom he noticed through the open door the bed with the covers turned back and rumpled as though someone had slept there.

Had Krissa spent the night in a bed apart from her husband?

Kinda looked like it.

Krissa sat in the kitchen at the counter, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. Sunlight streamed in through all the windows and Nate slid on his sunglasses, his eyes burning. Damn it.

“Hey,” he said. “I smell coffee.”

She looked up at him, eyes wary and guarded. Even with shadowed green eyes and a soft, sad mouth, her beauty tugged at something inside him. She wore no makeup and he could see the faint sprinkling of freckles across the fair skin of her nose and cheeks.

She slid off the stool. “I’ll get you some.”

Nate held up a hand. “No, I’ll get it. You don’t need to wait on me. Just point me in the direction of a cup.”

“In the cupboard right above the dishwasher.” She sat down again.

He poured himself a cup of coffee. “Derek already gone?”

She snorted. “He’s still sleeping.” She shook her head, dark hair sliding over her shoulders in a silky curtain.

“Ah.” Nate sipped the coffee and sat, too. “I guess when you’re self-employed you can do that.”

“He could be missing appointments, I don’t know.” The corners of Krissa’s mouth turned down. “But if he is, he’ll just have to deal with it.”

“Yup.” Silence expanded in the bright kitchen.

“I’m sorry you walked into this,” Krissa said finally. “You’re probably wondering what’s going on.”

Hell, yeah. But he wasn’t going to pry. Derek was his best buddy, and he’d always liked and respected Krissa. If they were having problems, that was their business. Best to just stay out of it.

“Things have been a little stressful lately,” she continued, and her top teeth sank into her lush lower lip. “I’m sorry. You probably don’t need this when you have problems of your own to deal with.”

He shrugged, sipped his coffee. Its heat stung, and he held the liquid in his mouth for a few seconds before swallowing.

“I’m sorry, too,” he said. “I guess I picked a bad time to barge in on you. You probably don’t need someone else hanging around right now.”

“It’s fine,” she said quickly. “I know Derek wanted you to come here too, to recover. We’d do anything to help you, you know that.”

“What about you?”

Her dark brows drew together. “What do you mean?”

“Is there anything I can do to help you guys?”

Their eyes met and held. He shifted on his stool. Felt exposed.

“No,” Krissa said at last. Her eyes dropped. “There’s nothing you can do.”

“Okay. Just remember, though. Anything. You two are my best friends.”

“I know.” He watched pain and sorrow shift across her face.

“You’re both up already?”

They both turned at the sound of Derek’s raspy voice in the door of the kitchen. He was dressed in a pair of boxer shorts riding low on his hipbones. His blond hair stuck up in all directions and he rubbed his face as he yawned.

“Already? It’s nine-thirty,” Krissa said. “You’re usually at the office by seven.” She slipped off her stool and went over to the coffeemaker. She poured a cup and walked to Derek, handed it to him.

Their eyes met as he accepted the mug from her. Nate watched the two of them as they communicated wordlessly. Derek slid his hand around the back of Krissa’s neck, under her hair, and pulled her toward him. Slowly, she pressed her face into the side of his neck and Derek laid his cheek on top of her head and closed his eyes. They stood that way for a long moment.

Nate wanted to look away. But his eyes remained fastened on them. The intimacy of the moment made something clench down low inside him.

“I’m sorry,” Derek whispered. Krissa drew back, nodded and stepped away. Her glance skittered over to Nate, then away.

“I’m going to take a shower,” she said, and disappeared.

Nate studied everything in the kitchen while Derek set his coffee on the counter and took a seat on a stool.

“Where were you last night?”

Derek sighed. “Out getting wasted. Wasn’t it obvious?”

“It was obvious you smelled like perfume when you walked in. Perfume and the stink of booze.” Nate squinted at his friend from behind the dark glasses. “Were you with another woman?”

Lost and Found

Chapter Four

“Jesus, Nate. What kind of question is that?” Derek rubbed his face.

“It’s a good question. Answer it.”

Derek shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I wasn’t.”

An unfamiliar tension stretched between them. Derek looked down at his coffee. “Not my business,” Nate finally said. “Krissa’s the one you have to answer to. And thanks again for not picking me up at the airport last night.”

“I’m sorry.” Derek looked like someone was stabbing pins in his eyes. “I completely forgot.”

“I know. What the hell’s going on with you?”

“Fuck.” Derek gulped some coffee. “I really don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Nate shrugged. “Okay. Let me know if you do. I’m going to…uh…go for a walk.”

Too bad it was such a sunny day. Even with his sunglasses, his eyes would be watering and burning after ten minutes. But what else did he have to do?

He rose to his feet and refilled his coffee mug, took it with him as he left the kitchen through the sliding doors. A multi-level deck backed the house, overlooking the beach and the ocean, a hot tub on one side and comfortable wicker furniture arranged in a cozy grouping on the other. Yeah, this was quite the house.

He jogged down the wooden stairs to the beach. Rocks of all sizes, washed smooth by ocean waves, dotted the pale sand, and he meandered along until he found a wide flat boulder to sit on. He cupped his coffee mug in both hands, warm beneath his fingers, cool ocean breeze floating around him, and stared out at the Pacific Ocean. The water swelled, rose, curled and crashed into a froth of white, over and over again, the rhythmic sound and ceaseless motion mesmerizing. Seagulls cried overhead, soaring in the clear blue sky.

This was pretty awkward. He’d appreciated the offer of a place to stay while he finished recovering from his food poisoning, had actually been happy to be seeing his friends again after being away for so long. He hadn’t expected to walk into some kind of marital turmoil.

He supposed he could have gone to stay with one of his two brothers, or even his parents, in Los Angeles. But he’d pretty much cut himself off from them after his life had disintegrated. He’d cut himself off from everyone, and calling Derek had seemed the easiest choice.

He’d just have to stay out of their way and hope that his goddamn eyes got better pretty fucking quick.

Krissa rinsed the conditioner out of her hair, then reached for the tap of the shower. She cranked it off, opened the shower door and put out a hand for her towel. Derek stood there, leaning against the vanity, towel in his outstretched hand.

He still hadn’t dressed, and despite her anger and sorrow, and despite his obvious hangover, his muscular chest, smooth and tanned, made her want to touch, and the low-riding boxers drew her eyes to the V-shaped muscles tapering down beneath them. His eyes were shadowed, his face lined with fatigue.

Krissa took the towel and dried off, aware of Derek watching her. Her pussy clenched and her nipples tingled. She wrapped the towel around her, tucked the end in to hold it in place.

Water dripped from her long hair onto her bare shoulders, soaked into the thick towel as they looked at each other.

“I know you were hurting yesterday,” Krissa finally said. “But that doesn’t give you the right to treat me like shit.”

“I know. I said I’m sorry.”

“You could have at least told me you were going out.”

“I know. I screwed up, okay?”

She continued to watch him. His eyes, dark with pain, met her.

“Did you tell Nate?” he asked.

“No.”

He nodded.

“Were you with someone?”

He shook his head slowly. “No.”

“I smelled perfume on your suit. Not my perfume.”

“There were women in the bar. I smelled like cigarettes, too, but I wasn’t smoking.”

She nodded. A couple of years ago, they’d had this same conversation. But he’d emphatically denied it, and she’d had no reason to disbelieve him—okay, the truth was, she didn’t want to disbelieve him—so she’d let it go. She didn’t like fighting with him, and nothing else had ever happened, so she must have been wrong.

She didn’t like the suspicion eating at her insides, the fear and worry.

“I love you, Krissa.” He held her gaze.

“I love you too.”

He reached for her, drew her to him with his hands on her waist. She let him pull her closer, rested her pelvis against his as they leaned against the vanity. She stroked her fingers through his hair, trying to tame the wild spikes.

Derek’s fingers moved to where the towel was tucked into itself above her left breast and tugged it out. He let the towel fall open and then to the floor. His hands returned to her waist.

Krissa pushed the towel aside with her bare foot and leaned in to kiss her husband. Their mouths met and clung. Derek tasted of minty toothpaste and coffee, still smelled faintly of cigarette smoke. She laid her hands on his shoulders, satiny skin over firm muscle and hard bones, let her fingers curl into him.

They kissed again, and again, Derek’s hands sliding lower to her ass, pulling her against him, his growing erection nudging her tummy. She went onto her toes to rub him there, needed to feel him between her legs where she began to ache.

“I love you,” he whispered, his mouth still touching hers. “I’m sorry, Krissa.”

“I’m sorry too.” She kissed the corner of his mouth, leaned her forehead against his.

“I feel like such a failure.”

“Don’t. Please, don’t. You’re not a failure. We’ll get through this.”

He swallowed hard, then lifted her by her ass. She wrapped her legs around him, feet resting on the cool marble vanity, and he slid a hand between their bodies, found her center and stroked through her wetness. Hot and achy, she let out a moan.

“I’m still a man,” he said, shoving at his underwear until his penis sprang out, hard and thick.

“I know.” Her head fell back. She wrapped her arms around his head and he took a nipple into his mouth and sucked, hard. Hot delight flashed through her. “I…know.” He pushed into her, filling her. He grunted and she gasped. “Yes.” She lifted her hips, tried to open more for him, let his cock surge into her, so deep it almost hurt. Involuntarily she lifted, and he thrust again, harder. “Oh, God!”

He drove into her, and she rubbed her swollen clit against his pubic bone on each push, driving her higher, the pleasure spiraling inside her, higher. She held on tighter, focused on their image in the mirror behind Derek, blurred by steam. She could make out the bulge of Derek’s biceps as he held her up, the ridges of muscles down either side of his smooth, tanned back, her hands gripping him. She squeezed her eyes shut. Water dripped down her naked back, making his hands slide on her body as he pumped into her.

He turned, sat her on the vanity, the marble cold beneath the warm flesh of her ass, his hands on her hips.

“Krissa, Christ, Krissa.” He kissed her nipples, hard and pointy and aching, and she peaked in a delicious spasm, arms and legs tightening on him. Then he went over, too, holding her against him as he pulsed inside her in hot jets.

Her legs shook as he lowered her to the floor, the terry bath mat soft beneath her soles. She draped her arms over his shoulder and rested her face against him, both of them breathing hard. When she opened her eyes, she met her own eyes in the foggy side mirror, saw the flush on her cheeks, the heaviness of her eyelids.

“We need to talk,” she said.

He let of a long breath. “Yeah.”

“But now Nate’s staying with us.”

“Yeah.”

“I felt humiliated last night, in front of him.”

His body tightened. “Jesus, how many times do I have to say it? I’m sorry!”

He set her away from him with his hands on her waist. She sucked in air, bent over to pick up the towel. He yanked his boxers up over his penis, still half hard and wet with her cream and his semen.

“I have to get to the office,” he muttered and she watched as he threw open the bathroom door and strode out.

Krissa leaned her hands on the edge of the counter, looked at herself in the mirror. Her body still pulsed from her orgasm but her heart hurt. He felt like a failure. Like less of a man. She had to remember how this was impacting him, needed to understand. But her own aching heart made it difficult.

She felt bad leaving Nate all alone in the family room watching television through dark glasses after they’d eaten dinner. But she and Derek had to talk. This was their life and they’d barely said ten words to each other since the doctor had delivered the devastating news.

Krissa closed the door of her office, actually the fifth bedroom of their home. She sat at the chair in front of her desk, and Derek slumped on the futon against one wall.

He’d changed into cargo shorts and a T-shirt after arriving home from work. They’d eaten dinner and he and Nate were going to go out for a beer after this little “talk”.

“Tell me what’s going on with you,” Krissa said. She leaned on one arm of the chair, studied his face.

Derek groaned. “God, Krissa. What the hell do you think? I was just told I’ll never father a child.” He covered his eyes with one hand.

“There are other ways to father a child,” she said quietly.

He didn’t move, didn’t say a word for a long moment heavy with tension.

“Not for me.”

She blinked, sat up straight. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to adopt. I know we talked about the possibility, but the truth is…I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.”

“But…if we adopted a baby…it would be ours. You’d love it as much as if it were our own.”

“No.” He lowered his hand and met her eyes. “I don’t think I would.” He paused as if searching for words. “I don’t think I could.”

Krissa’s heart contracted painfully. How could he say that? They’d talked about adopting and he’d sounded as if he was open to it. She rolled her lips in to keep them from quivering.

“Then we can try artificial insemination.”

Derek’s head moved slowly from side to side. “No. I don’t want to do that either.”

“What!” She jumped out of the chair and stood there, hands clasped tightly, staring at him. “But Derek…that’s our last hope.”

“It’d be the same thing…I’d be raising someone else’s child.”

“It would be my child! You’re my husband, so it would be your child. I don’t understand.” Thoughts skipped frantically around in her head. “Derek, we can pick the donor based on physical characteristics. We can choose someone who’s tall and blond and brown eyed, like you.”

His face tightened and his gaze slid away from her. “It would be someone else’s sperm. A stranger. His genes, not mine. I’m sorry, Krissa.” His voice cracked. “I just can’t do it.”

“But…that means…” She couldn’t get the words past the aching constriction in her throat. She squeezed her hands into fists at her side. “Derek.” Hot liquid slid down her cheeks.

“I know.” Agony tore at his voice. “I know, Krissa. But I’m being honest here. I’d rather have no children than adopt or use a stranger’s sperm.”

She gazed at him, his face wavering in her tear-filled vision. He couldn’t be serious. This couldn’t be the end. They still had options.

She could convince him. She moved across to him on stiff legs, sat beside him and put her hand on his bare knee. “Derek,” she whispered. “Don’t do this.”

“Christ, Krissa, you always have to make things so complicated. Don’t make this worse than it is.”

She flinched, looked down at her hand on his knee and drew it away.

“This has been hard enough,” Derek snapped. “All these years of trying…of failing…and now knowing I’m the cause.”

Krissa pulled in a long breath, sat with her head bowed. It was him. She had to think of him. She lifted her head, pushed her hair back and put a hand on his cheek. He covered it with his own, held it there, closed his eyes. “I just want this to be over,” he whispered raggedly.

She swallowed. “But I don’t.”

He opened his eyes and they shared a long look. She saw her pain mirrored in his dark eyes, etched on his face in the grooves beside his mouth.

“I need to have a baby,” she choked out. “It’s all I want, Derek.”

“More than you want me?”

Her eyes widened. “Are you…saying I have to choose?”

Lost and Found

Chapter Five

Krissa pushed a shaky hand through her hair. This could not be happening. What had happened to their perfect life? Their marriage, their friendship…their love.

“I don’t want you to,” he said, voice low and husky. “I love you, Krissa. I want you. But I want this done with. Let’s just get on with our lives.”

But…it was a choice. If he hadn’t said it, she would have thought it. She was thinking it now.

She stood. She stared out the window at the mountains, crisply outlined against the blue evening sky by the setting sun. “I…” She shook her head, turned and walked across the room in jerky steps. “I need to think.”

“Krissa.”

She couldn’t look at him, waved a hand, her throat clogged with tears and sorrow. She opened the door. “Go. With Nate.” It hurt when she swallowed.

She walked down the hall blindly, past the family room where Nate sat, saw him look at her and start to rise from the couch. She shook her head and kept going, through the sliding doors and out onto the deck.

She stood at the railing, the wood rough beneath her palms, the breeze off the ocean stroking her hair back from her face and cooling her wet cheeks. She closed her eyes, and turned her face up. Scalding tears dripped and she let them, made no effort to stop them, sobbed out her pain toward the ocean waves booming onto the sand.

Damn him. Damn him to hell. He didn’t get to make choices like that for her. This was her life, too. Helplessness and rage rolled through her.

She heard the sliding door open. Without turning around, not caring who it was, she said, “Go away.” Her voice sounded thick.

“Are you okay?” It was Nate.

“Do I look okay?” She turned to face him, knowing she looked like hell and not caring one bit. Her nose was running, her face was wet and her eyes had to be red and swollen. Even her lips felt swollen. She swiped her palms down each cheek.

“Can I do anything?”

“No. Just go away. You and Derek go and have your beer and have fun.”

His mouth turned down, and although his eyes were hidden behind the dark glasses, she sensed his discomfort. “I’m all right,” she assured him, choking on the words. “Don’t worry. Just go.”

He hovered there a moment, then did as she asked, sliding the door closed behind him. She stood alone on the deck again. She rubbed her bare arms. She wanted to walk down to the water. She loved the ocean. It was vast and mysterious—even scary. Deep. Unfathomable. But beautiful and wild.

She descended the wooden stairs to the beach, picked her way across the rocks dotting the sand, shivering in the cooling evening air.

Did she have to decide? Did she have to choose between having Derek and having a child? How much did she want a child?

She ached for a child. More than one child, but she wouldn’t get greedy. She wanted a family. She wanted to be a mother, more than anything she’d ever wanted in her life. Every nurturing, loving instinct in her ached to hold an infant in her arms, to know what it was like to have a baby feed from her breast, to guide and shape a little life into the best person he or she could be. It was the most important thing you could do.

She was never going to have a high-powered career. She’d changed jobs nine times in her life until she started this consulting business. She’d never quite found the right thing for her. And yeah, now she was doing well, but she just didn’t care that much. Well, she did care—she worked hard, did her best for her clients. Okay, she was even passionate about the issues she helped companies with. But that couldn’t compare to being a mother.

Oh, God. She sat down on a large flat rock, her favorite place to sit and stare out to sea. Wispy clouds hugged the horizon where ocean met sky, blurring the line. She bent her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs. The wind carried the briny scent of the ocean and the rhythmic whoosh of waves onto sand.

The tears had slowed, and she wiped one last one away, sniffled.

How much did she love Derek?

How bad was it that she even asked herself that question?

She closed her eyes, tipped her face up to the sky as if looking for divine guidance from above.

Perhaps the question should be, how much did Derek love her? If he wouldn’t even consider other ways for them to be parents, perhaps it was his love that was lacking.

Pain stabbed through her, physical, visceral.

She was never going to be a mother.

It was hard to talk in a place this loud. Nate wished they’d gone somewhere quieter because he was damn well going to find out what was going on with Derek and Krissa.

He stared hard at his friend across the small table where they sat perched on stools. He could barely see him through the dark glasses, but he’d tried removing them when they walked in. The dim lighting in the bar was still too hard on his eyes to forego them. Clinking glasses and the rumble of conversation and music swirled around them.

His fingers wrapped around the icy beer glass, slick with condensation.

“Krissa was pretty upset,” he said, marveling at his understatement. Seeing her like that had pulled at something inside him that had been dormant for a long time. The impulse to stride across the deck and tug her into her arms, tuck her against him and try to comfort her shocked him, unsettled him.

Derek met his stare and returned it. “You blame me.”

Nate tipped his head. “Is there someone else to blame?”

“How about her?”

What the fuck? Was Krissa cheating? “What are you saying?” He stared at Derek.

Derek sighed. “She won’t let things go when she gets an idea in her head. And she’s so emotional.”

Nate nodded. That was true. “What is it, Derek? I asked you before, but I’m asking again—are you fucking around on her?”

“No! Jesus. That’s not it.”

“Then what is it? I feel like I walked into the middle of a soap opera. It’s goddamn uncomfortable with all that tension snapping.”

Derek opened his mouth, then closed it. He rubbed his face. “Look I’m sorry, man. This is just really bad timing. Here’s the deal.” He lowered his eyes and stared into his beer glass. “Krissa and I have been trying to have a baby.”

Whoa. Nate’s mind raced ahead. If Krissa was that upset there must be serious problems. “Fuck. Don’t tell me. She can’t get pregnant.”

“Well. That’s what we thought. We’ve both been through a shitload of tests. Turns out it’s me.” He huffed out a short laugh. “Got no swimmers.”

Ah, hell. Nate said nothing. What could he say?

“We just found out yesterday. Got the good news from the doc.” Derek lifted his head and gave Nate a morbid grin. “At least now we know.”

That was shitty news. No man wanted to hear that. “Well. That really sucks, buddy.”

“Yeah. So that’s why I was out getting wasted last night. I know Krissa was pissed, but hell. I just felt like getting wasted.”

“I guess.”

Derek groaned, put his head in his hands, elbows on the table. “You have no idea, man. We’ve been trying for almost two years. The first year wasn’t bad—lots of fucking, anyway. Then it started to get tense. I felt all this…pressure. Felt like a goddamn loser.” He paused. “Like I wasn’t man enough to knock up my own wife. And Krissa…”

“What?”

He turned his head side to side in his hands. “Well, if it wasn’t for her wanting this baby so much, I wouldn’t have…wouldn’t have…fuck.” He lifted his head and reached for his drink.

Silence fell between them, in the middle of the crowded, boisterous bar. A group of women winding their way through the tables paused beside them. “Hi, guys,” said one of them with an “I’m available” smile. She was cute, a California blonde with a tan and big hooters. Nate gave her an “I’m not interested” half-smile. Derek looked her up and down and smiled, too.

“Hi,” he said. Nate scowled at him. The blonde caught the look and they all moved on.

“What the hell?” Nate growled. “You’re married, asshole.”

“I just said hi.” His eyes followed blondie. “She’s cute.”

“You have a fucking gorgeous wife who loves you at home, crying her eyes out.”

“Yeah.” Derek swiveled his gaze back to Nate. “I know.”

“So why’s she crying tonight? You guys were supposed to be talking things over.”

“She wants to adopt a baby.”

“Ah.” Nate sipped his beer, cold, bitter, biting. “There you go. Adoption.”

“No way.” Derek shook his head vigorously. “I don’t want to adopt. Doesn’t work for me.” He gave Nate a condensed version of the discussion, including the artificial insemination option and his reasons for not wanting either of those.

No wonder Krissa was sad.

“You get it, don’t you?” Derek leaned forward, a crease between his dark blond eyebrows.

“You’d rather break your wife’s heart and never have a family than adopt or have artificial insemination.”

“Well…yeah. Hey, her heart’s not broken. She’ll get over it. She always does. Krissa just likes to keep things peaceful.”

Nate studied his buddy. How much did she let Derek get away with? He frowned at his beer.

“How would you feel, man? If it was you.”

Nate’s mind wandered back in time and his stomach rolled over. The past was all tangled up in betrayal and lies and heartache. Trying to put himself in Derek’s shoes was a bad idea.

“I don’t know,” he said with a hitch of a shoulder. He stared at a drop of water on the table. “Doesn’t matter how I’d feel.”

“But if you couldn’t have a baby—would you adopt?” Derek’s eyebrows rose, then lowered again into a frown.

“Sure. Maybe.”

“Bullshit.”

“Lots of people do it. Even people who can have kids adopt. How about a baby from China? I know people who’ve done that.”

“Uh…don’t think so.”

“Why not? It’s a good thing to do.”

“Well, yeah, but…I don’t know. I guess I’m not very good at explaining this.”

“Never mind.” Nate didn’t care. “It’s your decision. Well, yours and Krissa’s.”

“It’s my decision. I’m the one shooting blanks.”

“It’s not just your decision! You two are a couple! What if it was Krissa? What if she couldn’t get pregnant and she wanted to adopt? Then what would you do?” Nate shook his head.

Derek turned his head and gazed across the bar. He tipped his beer glass up and drained it into his mouth, rapped it down on the table. “I’d consider it.”

Nate’s jaw dropped. “What the…? How could that possibly make a difference?”

Derek turned a cool gaze back to Nate. “You don’t get it. I can’t get my wife pregnant. I don’t want the whole world to know that. If we adopt, everyone will know. I’ll be…” he stopped, as if he couldn’t even say the words.

“That’s not right. People don’t think like that.”

“I do.”

And by the firm set of his lips and the narrowing of his eyes, Nate knew that Derek had made his decision and his logic made perfect sense to him, if to no one else.

This tension between them had never been there before. They’d been friends since high school, when they’d met on the school triathlon team. They’d shared a similar athletic talent, similar goals, had competed for the attention the school’s star athlete would get…until the race where Derek had stepped into a hole while running, tripped and sprained his ankle only minutes from the finish. The two of them were far in the lead and Nate could have left him and easily won. But he’d stayed to help his team mate and they’d crossed the finish line together, Nate holding Derek up as he limped along.

Now, things felt different, and Nate couldn’t quite put his finger on it. People change in two years, and he supposed it served him right if his relationship with his friend suffered because he’d disappeared. Derek’s problems made him a different man, no doubt, and—Nate had to be honest—he himself was a different man than the one who had left two years ago.

“You want to talk about being a failure. How about a photographer who can’t see? You wanna see humiliation? What the hell am I going to do, Derek? If I can never take these goddamn glasses off. How about my career?”

Derek’s shoulders dropped. “Fuck. I’m sorry, man. With all this shit going on, I totally forgot.”

Nate gave a mirthless laugh. “Yeah. That’s why I’m sitting here in a dark bar wearing sunglasses. People probably think I’m a cocaine addict.”

He saw the look on Derek’s face.

“I’m not.” He, too, finished his beer.

“I know that. Geez. So, tell me what happened.”

Nate told his pathetic story, about his Costa Rican adventure gone all to hell, ending with a hospital stay and damaged eyes. He hated to sound pathetic, but what the hell. Derek had told him his sad story. Might as well have a big pity party right there at the Shark Club on State Street.

Lost and Found

Chapter Six

Once again, Nate found Krissa in the kitchen in the morning, reading the paper and drinking coffee. She looked like she’d just come from a funeral. Or had a really bad cold. Still gorgeous though, luminous green eyes surrounded by long thick eyelashes, glossy dark hair falling over her shoulders and down her back.

She wore plaid flannel shorts and a gray T-shirt. Pretty ugly clothes. Bare toes tipped with pink polish rested on the rung of the stool and the way they curved around it fascinated him, made him ache with tenderness. Her small toes almost looked like a child’s and reminded him of the reason for her unhappiness.

“Good morning.” She looked up, then quickly away, as if she was embarrassed.

“Morning.” He knew where the coffee mugs were now and helped himself. “You okay?”

She nodded. “I’m really sorry about last night, Nate.”

She was apologizing—to him! “No need,” he said curtly, not looking at her.

“Yes. I was rude. I was just…”

“I know. Derek told me.”

“He did?” Her eyes widened and her lips parted. “Oh.”

“You sound surprised.”

“Well…he…yeah.”

“He’s my friend.”

“I know.” She folded up the newspaper and pushed it over to him. He found the sports section, but it was damn hard to read the small print with dark glasses on. He gave up.

“What do you want to know?” She dragged the paper back to herself. “Baseball? Dodgers?”

He stared at her. She flipped open the paper and her eyes moved up and down. “Dodgers five, Marlins two.”

“How’d you know…?”

“I remember. You were a big baseball fan. Remember when the four of us drove to L.A. for a game?” She smiled wistfully. “That was fun.”

He said nothing. He remembered. It had only been a couple of weeks before Lauren’s car crash. It had been fun—two happy couples, carefree and innocent. He and Lauren had just found out they were going to be parents. A surprise, but a good one. They hadn’t even told anyone.

“Thanks.” His voice came out scratchy and he cleared his throat.

“I really liked Lauren,” Krissa continued. “She was a sweetheart. So funny and kind. So loyal.”

Nate choked on his coffee. “Yeah, right.”

She gave him a funny look.

“How about the Angels? Did they win? I think they played Tampa Bay.”

She turned her attention back to the newspaper. “Lost. Eight-six.”

“Damn.” He sipped more coffee. “Don’t you ever work?”

“Yes. I work from home. I have some things to do for a presentation I’m doing next week. But I should be able to get that done this morning. After lunch, I need to go shopping.”

“Ah.”

“For groceries.” She smiled.

“Oh. Can I come?”

She lifted a brow. “You want to come grocery shopping?”

“Yeah. I like food.”

“Okay. Sure.” She shook her head. “Derek won’t set foot in the grocery store.”

“I’ll cook dinner for you two one night,” Nate offered. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re doing extra because I’m here. I don’t want to be any trouble. I know I showed up at a bad time.”

Her mouth twisted. “Kind of bad, yeah.” She hitched a small shoulder. “It’s okay, though.”

He studied her. “What are you going to do?”

“What do you mean?” She tipped her head to one side.

“Sounds like Derek’s pretty firm on not adopting.”

“Or having me impregnated with another man’s sperm.”

“Uh…yeah.” He shifted on his stool. “So…? You’re okay with that?”

Her full lips pushed out. “No. I’m not okay with that.” She swiped up a drop of coffee off the granite counter with a fingertip. “I don’t think Derek understands how much I want children.”

Children. Plural. One baby from China wasn’t going to do it.

“Why?”

She frowned at him.

“Why is it so important? And why doesn’t Derek get it?”

“It’s the most important thing in the world,” she said slowly. “It’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like …” she hesitated, looked around the room. “I feel like I have all this love in me.” She put a hand over her chest, drawing his attention to her breasts beneath the grey cotton. He couldn’t help but notice she wore no bra, pointy little nipples poking through as she pressed the fabric to her chest. “I have to…share it. I need to. I want to bring a new life into the world and…love it and look after it.” Her eyes glistened.

Ah, shit, she was going to start crying again. He glanced around for a box of tissues, but saw none.

“Do you know what I mean?”

He recalled the emotions that had chased through him at the news he was going to be a father. Excitement. Awe. Fear. Because, like she said, it was so important. Screwing up was not an option. He nodded. “I guess so.”

“Derek doesn’t. And now I feel so betrayed. I thought he understood, I thought he felt the same until last night. We’ve talked about what we’d do if we couldn’t have children of our own. But…” She hesitated.

“What?”

“Derek always believed it was my fault.”

“It’s not anybody’s fault.” He couldn’t let that go. There seemed to be a lot of blame flying. “It isn’t something you can control. If you weren’t able to get pregnant for some medical reason, he couldn’t blame you.”

“But that’s how I felt. Like he was blaming me for all the shit we were going through. And I do feel responsible. Even now…when we know it’s him.”

“Again, not his fault.”

“I didn’t say that,” she snapped. Then she sighed. “Sorry. I don’t blame him, Nate. I still feel like it’s all my fault, because I’m the one who wants a baby so badly.”

“He doesn’t?” That didn’t make sense.

“Not the same way. He wants a baby because that’s what you do. People get married, have kids. But he doesn’t agonize over it like I do. So even though I’m sure he’s devastated by knowing he can’t have children, he’d be fine without.”

“You can’t blame yourself.”

She laughed. “Oh yes I can. And Derek…well, never mind. Want some breakfast?”

“Just some toast, maybe.”

They talked while she toasted bread, spread peanut butter, poured more coffee. He ate six slices of toast. Could have eaten two more. His appetite had returned with a vengeance.

He listened to her as she talked about her best friend Cameron’s children, her three-month-old baby, her three-year-old twins. How envious Krissa was. How she hadn’t even told Cameron they’d been trying to have a baby.

“Why not?”

“Because she doesn’t think I should have kids.”

He shook his head. “Huh? She has three but she doesn’t think you should have any?”

Her lips quirked. “Not because I’d be a bad mother or anything. She’s just overwhelmed right now. Kids are a lot of work.”

“Well, yeah, but…”

She laughed. “I know, I know. So it’s easier if I just don’t say anything about it. I don’t want to get in a big discussion about the pros and cons of being a parent. According to her, it’s all cons. And I know that’s not true but if I try to tell her that, she just says I don’t know what I’m talking about because I don’t have kids. So it’s just easier.”

He nodded.

“I’m going to get some work done.” She hesitated. “I feel bad just leaving you…”

“I told you, I’m not here to be entertained. I’ll go for a walk on the beach or something.” He squinted out the window at the bright sky. “I forgot how it never rains here in the summer. All this sun is killing me.”

“I love the sun.”

“Normally, me too. Any chance I could get to be outside, taking pictures…especially water.”

“I know. Your photographs are beautiful, Nate.”

“I saw you have one. In the family room.”

“Yes. We bought it on-line.”

“I’d have given it to you, if you’d asked.”

“Don’t be silly. That’s how you earn your living. I looked at all the ones on your website and I picked that one. It was hard though, they’re all so…serene. Soulful.”

“Yeah.”

“There was an article about you in the newspaper—local boy makes good kind of story.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” The reporter had interviewed him by phone. He sighed, not liking the reminder of what he couldn’t do.

Krissa disappeared and he took his walk, sat and stared at the ocean until his eyes burned from the brightness despite the glasses and he was forced back into the house.

He ran into Krissa in the hall, still dressed in her ugly shorts, although the legs they revealed were spectacular. His eyes were streaming water, but he could still make out an attractive pair of legs.

“Are you okay?” Concern edged her voice.

“Yeah.” Embarrassed, he wiped his face. “The sun was getting to my eyes.”

“Oh, God. What can you do…just sit in the dark?”

“I have some drops the eye doctor gave me.” He grimaced. “I just hate putting them in.”

She blinked. “Why?

“I can’t stand anything in my eyes.” He shuddered.

“Go get the drops,” she said. “I have no problem touching eyeballs.”

“Nobody is touching my eyeballs.”

She laughed. “Okay, I won’t touch them. But I can put the drops in for you.”

“Uh…that’s okay.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, don’t be such a baby. Get the drops.”

He hesitated, then went into his room and returned, holding up a small bottle.

She took the bottle from him. “Come and lay down on the couch.”

They went into the family room. “Lean your head back.” She gave the bottle a shake then unscrewed the cap. He did as she asked, removing the sunglasses as he rested his head on the soft cushion, his body tightened in preparation for the torture she was about to deliver.

Krissa gazed down at Nate’s closed eyelids, dark lashes fanning on his high cheekbones. He was…incredibly beautiful.

Her heart skipped a beat, then started thudding unreasonably in her chest. The fingers holding the tiny bottle trembled. She touched a fingertip beside his left eye. “Can you open this eye?” Her voice came out in a whisper.

He opened the eye and stared at the ceiling. His eyes were a beautiful aquamarine color, like a Caribbean cove. Clear and translucent. She compressed the bottle and a drop fell into his eye. He immediately squeezed it shut and hissed.

“Does that hurt?” She sank her teeth into her bottom lip. She didn’t want to hurt him.

“Like a bitch,” he muttered.

She waited before doing the other eye, then capped the bottle, watching him screw up his face. Still gorgeous.

He lay there for long moments, the house quiet, until he huffed out a breath and blinked his eyes open.

“Better?” she whispered. Tenderness expanded in her chest.

He looked up at her and their eyes met. And held.

Lost and Found

Chapter Seven

Nate blinked rapidly, and Krissa couldn’t drag her eyes away from his face. Those eyes pulled at her like a receding wave in the ocean and she swallowed.

“I’m going to change and then go do my shopping.” She set the bottle on the table. “If you still want to come, we could go get some lunch somewhere.”

“Nah, never mind.”

She blinked. “Oh. I thought you wanted to come with me.”

He rose to his feet. “I changed my mind.”

He turned his back on her and walked stiffly toward the stairs.

Disappointment flooded her. She’d been looking forward to having company while she did her grocery shopping. “What’s wrong, Nate? Are your eyes bothering you that much?”

“They’re fine,” he snapped without turning. “Just leave me alone.”

She stood there, watched his retreating back. Ooookay. Rude prick. God, she was surrounded by grouchy testosterone.

Then she felt ashamed of that thought. He wasn’t a prick. Just like Derek, he had big problems. And didn’t want to talk about it. Fine.

Besides, she’d been a bitch herself last night. Guess she deserved that. They were all behaving badly.

She went to her own bedroom to change out of her plaid shorts. She pulled on a short denim skirt and a T-shirt, brushed her hair. As she slicked some gloss on her lips, she heard a knock on her door.

The door was open, so she just turned. Nate stood there hands in his pockets, dark glasses shielding his eyes. She looked at him. Waited.

“I…uh…I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier.”

She nodded, twisted the cap back onto her lip gloss and dropped it into her purse.

“I would still like to come,” he said. “If you don’t mind some unpleasant company.”

She swallowed a laugh. “I don’t know,” she said thoughtfully, slinging her purse over one shoulder. “If you’re going to be an asshole I’d rather do my shopping alone.”

“I’ll behave.” The corners of his mouth tipped up.

“Okay, then. How about lunch?”

“Could we go to Darby’s?” She smiled at the hopeful note in his voice. “I get cravings for their bacon mushroom cheeseburger.”

She laughed. “Then you should have one. Come on, let’s go.”

They sat on the outdoor deck at Darby’s in the shade of a huge fig tree, enjoying the quiet neighborhood with only a faint hum of traffic in the background. Krissa plunged her straw into the glass of iced tea she’d ordered.

“Lauren liked it here, too,” she remarked, extending her bare legs under the table. Her foot bumped Nate’s, his legs much longer than hers. “Sorry.” She shifted her feet in her flip flops away.

He said nothing.

“You must miss her.”

“I don’t want to talk about Lauren.”

She blinked. She, too, wore sunglasses now. “Why not?”

Was it still that painful for him to talk about her? It had been over two years since she’d died. Surely he should be moving on by now.

“I just don’t want to.” His voice was hard.

“But it would be good for you…if you can’t get past it, talking about her might help. You must miss her.”

“No. I don’t.”

Astonished, she stared at him, her glass of tea half way from the table to her lips. “You don’t miss her?”

He shook his head, gave the menu his attention. Then he snapped it shut. “Don’t know why I’m even looking at that. I already know what I want.”

“Bacon mushroom cheeseburger.”

“You got it.”

Krissa looked at her own menu, decided on a spinach salad and they ordered.

“Nate. What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

He knew exactly what she meant. The lack of eye contact was driving her crazy, but she felt his understanding. “Lauren. Why don’t you miss her? Why don’t you want to talk about her?”

He sighed. “It’s a crappy story, Krissa. You liked Lauren. I don’t want to spoil your memories of her.”

“Well, you definitely can’t say something like that and then not tell me what you mean.” She sipped her drink. “What would spoil my memories of her?”

Nate turned his face and looked across the street at the small used book store. “Just drop it, okay.”

“No.”

It wasn’t like her to push for an uncomfortable conversation. She normally tried to avoid that. But she had to know. That morning when they’d been talking about Lauren, something had made her feel funny, something Nate had said. And his reaction didn’t seem normal to her. He should be at the point where he wanted to talk about his wife—sharing happy memories. But clearly he wasn’t.

“I want to know,” she said softly, leaning forward. “Truly, Nate, it will help to talk about it. I told you about wanting to have a baby. I’ve never told anybody else that, except Derek.”

He tipped his head to the side as if thinking about that. “Nobody?”

She moved her head side to side. “Not even Cameron.”

He gnawed on his bottom lip. “Well, I’ve never told anybody this, either.”

Something tightly coiled inside her softened. “I won’t tell anyone else.”

“Yeah.” He paused, studied the glass of Coke in front of him, took a deep breath. “After Lauren died, I went through her stuff. I found her journal. She wrote in it all the time, but it was personal. I probably shouldn’t have read it, but I wanted to connect with her one last time…to know her thoughts and feelings. That must sound crazy.”

“No. Not at all.” She ached for how he must have felt. “I think it would feel like talking to her…one last time.”

Their eyes met and held. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “That’s it. Anyway, I started reading the most recent stuff. About…well, stuff. Anyway.” He cleared his throat. “She’d been having an affair.”

Oh. Dear. God. Krissa stared at him, mouth open. “Oh, Nate. Are you sure? That can’t be.”

“Unless her journal was fiction, I’m sure.”

“Who was it?”

“I have no idea. She never mentioned a name. She called him ‘my lover’.” Krissa heard the disgust in the rough tone of his voice. “She wrote about what they did.” His voice deepened even more. “Where they went. What they talked about. How guilty she felt, but yet she couldn’t stop seeing him. It started when I was away in Thailand for two months.”

Krissa remembered that trip. She’d wondered at the time how Nate could leave his wife for that long, but believed their marriage was strong enough to handle a couple of months. After all, many couples spent much longer periods of time apart. “That’s awful.”

He lifted a big shoulder, turned the glass of Coke between his hands. “It was shitty, yeah. Here she’d just died and I was all broken up inside about that, and then I found out she’d been cheating on me. Our whole life for months before she died was a lie.”

Krissa closed her eyes against the pain she felt for Nate. She knew the agony of wondering if her husband had cheated, and even though he hadn’t, she could imagine how painful it would be. “It must be even worse that she’s dead. You can’t even ask her about it…why she did it.”

“Yeah.” He was silent. She sensed there was more but she didn’t press this time.

“Derek doesn’t know about that?”

“No. And please don’t tell him. I’m a big enough loser with my eye problems right now.”

“But he’s your friend. You could talk to him about it…”

“Maybe some day. He’s got enough problems.”

“Oh, Nate.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me,” he growled, the corners of his mouth turned down. “I know how pathetic I am, but I don’t like the world feeling sorry for me.”

“It’s not like that. I am sorry…sorry that you had to go through that. That you’re still going through it. But I don’t think you’re pathetic. Not at all.” She tried a smile. “I think you’re an amazing, strong man, Nate.”

He snorted, turned away again.

The waiter arrived with their lunches.

They talked about other things while they ate, but Krissa couldn’t get her mind off the fact that Lauren had cheated on Nate. It was shocking. Hurtful. And Nate was right—it did change her feelings about Lauren, all the pretty memories she had of her friend. She and Lauren hadn’t been best friends or anything, but because Nate and Derek were such good friends, they’d spent a lot of time together. She’d thought she knew Lauren, and learning this about her made her feel betrayed too. God. It must be a thousand times worse for Nate.

Nate accompanied her to the grocery store, and they discussed choices of steaks for grilling that night, what size of shrimp to buy, what kind of mushrooms would complement the steaks. “I want shiitake mushrooms,” she decided, but when they looked in the produce department there were none. She asked the produce manager.

“Sorry, ma’am, we’re out right now. Should get some in tomorrow.”

Krissa pouted briefly. “We’ll stop at another store on the way home.” She loved good food, loved to cook and especially loved to feed people, so debating shiitake versus oyster mushrooms was so much fun she could almost forget the mess her life was in.

“Are you going to marinate the steaks?” Nate asked, pushing the cart for her down an aisle.

“I was going to use a rub…I make a really good one.”

“What’s in it?”

She told him the seasonings she used and he made approving noises. “Sounds good. Should we get some wine?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Nate knew wine, too, and they lingered over selecting a red and a white. Then he insisted on paying for the wine and half the groceries.

“Don’t be silly,” she said. “I’ll let you buy the wine, but not the food.”

“I’m costing you guys money.”

“We can afford to have a guest for a while.”

“I can afford to contribute.”

They looked at each other and burst out laughing. “Tell me how much you make,” she challenged him. “And I’ll tell you how much I make.”

He grinned. “Never mind. I’m sure you’re raking it in.”

She grimaced. “Not. Derek makes way more than I do. My business is just new. I’m doing okay, though.”

She started lifting items out of the cart and piling them on the checkout counter. Nate leaned into the cart too, to help, his shoulder brushing hers.

“I know you’re doing more than okay, with the prices of those photographs. And it was in the news how much you made off that deal with House and Home.”

He grinned. “Yeah. That was sweet. After I made that deal, I was able to travel wherever I wanted, do what I wanted. And the prices my images are selling for still blows my mind.”

He placed the steaks on the conveyor.

“That show in L.A. you mentioned…is it a sale?”

“Yeah. At Gallery 228. A new dealer. Generally I do really well at those shows.”

She nodded. She felt…proud. It had taken Nate a while to find his way, too, though not as long as it had taken her. When she’d met him and Derek, Nate had been running a business renting bicycles at the beach. He’d done well, had lots of flexibility and was outside a lot, as he loved to be, near the ocean. When he and Derek weren’t doing triathlons, he’d played around taking pictures, displaying them every Sunday at the Arts and Crafts show on Cabrillo Boulevard, selling the odd one. Selling photographs was tough in Santa Barbara because of the big photography school. Everyone was a photographer. She was so happy it had turned into such a successful career for him.

“So, the money’s good…but you love it, don’t you?”

He paused, a bottle of wine in each hand. “Yeah. I love it.” He set the wine down.

“Your eyes are going to get better,” she said softly, putting a hand on his forearm. Strong, bare, soft with dark hair. She felt the muscles tighten beneath her fingers. “I know it.”

He nodded, reached into the cart again, removing his arm from her touch, and she moved through the checkout, pulling her wallet out of her purse to pay.

When they stopped at another grocery store, they, too, had no shiitake mushrooms. “Damn.” Krissa stood there, arms folded. “Well, there’s one more place we can try.”

“Do we have to have shiitake? How about oyster mushrooms? They have those.”

“I want shiitake.”

He shrugged. When they had no luck at the next store, Krissa could have screamed.

Nate put his hand on her back and rubbed. “Hey. Mushrooms are not an important thing.”

His touch and his words calmed her. He was right. She was just being her usual stubborn self. She shook her head, and they selected mushrooms from the types available at that store.

Nate helped her carry the groceries into the house and put them away in the kitchen. Then he sat at the counter while she mixed up the rub for the steaks.

As she pressed the spice mixture into the meat the phone rang.

“Want me to get it?” Nate asked.

“Sure.”

He grabbed the cordless phone. “Hi. Hey, Derek.” He listened, looked at Krissa. “Okay. What time? Yeah. I’ll tell her.” He pressed the button to disconnect and set the phone down.

Krissa’s stomach tightened. “He’s not coming home for dinner, is he?”

Lost and Found

Chapter Eight

Nate nodded. “That happen a lot?”

“Oh, yeah.” She sighed. “I’m used to it. Good thing he called before I got his steak ready.” She picked up the third rib-eye and put it into the freezer.

“He said he won’t be home until about ten. Client meetings.”

She nodded, washing her hands at the sink.

“How ’bout I open that wine?”

“Sure.”

She handed the corkscrew over to him and while he opened the Pinot Noir she got out glasses. He poured some into each and she sipped it.

“Very nice.” She nodded, sipped again, enjoyed the puckery tannins, the fruity berry taste.

“Mmm.” He looked around. “You going to grill those steaks outside?”

“Yes. It’s a gas grill, it’s easy to use.”

“Just say when, and I’ll help. I’m pretty good with a barbeque.”

She smiled. Since he’d been back, he’d seemed so different than she remembered. This was the first glimpse she’d had of the Nate she recalled. He’d always been so much fun—wild, spontaneous, always smiling and laughing. The laugh they’d shared that afternoon had been the first smile she’d seen cross his grim face. His deep-set eyes and straight, grim mouth gave him a forbidding look that one smile banished. Yeah, she’d felt sorry for him earlier, but he was so not the loser he felt like. He was smart, funny, talented. And gorgeous. “I like you, Nate.”

He turned a startled face to her. “Uh…thanks. I…uh…like you too.”

She grinned. “People don’t say that to each other often enough. You tell people you love that you love them, but you never tell your friends that you like them.”

He studied his wine. “So I’m your friend?”

“Of course you are. You’re Derek’s friend, so you’re mine too.”

He said nothing, just kept looking at his wine glass and she sensed the discomfort he felt. This Nate was different—closed off, unavailable and brooding.

“We should get those steaks on,” she said brightly.

They grilled the steaks and the mushrooms and Nate whipped up a vinaigrette dressing for the salad Krissa put together. They sat out on the deck to eat their meal in the evening sunshine, Nate with his back to it.

“How’re your eyes? Better than this morning?”

“Better. They’re always sore and sensitive, but sometimes not so bad.”

“Have they improved at all since you got sick?”

He shrugged. “I don’t think so.”

She nodded, cut a piece of steak and popped it into her mouth. Just the right bite of black pepper, heat of cayenne, warmth of garlic.

“This is good,” he remarked. “Really good steak. Mushrooms are good too.”

They were—earthy and smoky. Heat crept into her cheeks. “Sorry about earlier. I get the idea I want something and I have to have it.”

“I know.” He smiled.

She reached for the bottle of wine and poured the last of it into their glasses. “I love food.”

“Good thing you’re skinny.”

“I’m not skinny!”

“I mean…I thought girls liked to be skinny.”

She frowned. “Slim, maybe. Slender. Skinny sounds…bony. Ugly.”

“Okay, good thing you’re so slim.”

She smiled at him. “That’s better.”

“You’re not bony. And you’re definitely not ugly.”

Their eyes met and held, his just visible through the dark lenses. She felt her cheeks heat, and bent her head, letting her hair fall over her face. “Thanks. You’re definitely not ugly either.”

He groaned. “When you say it, I realize what a lousy compliment that is.”

She lifted her head. “You’re fun to be with, Nate.”

And she really meant that. He’d taken her mind off her misery, and his mild flirting made her feel better about herself. Not like a failure, a nagging wife, a woman who would never be a mother. She actually felt good.

“Strangely enough, I’m having fun, too,” he said slowly. “And I thought I came here to wallow in self-pity.”

“This is the Pity Palace, right now.”

He laughed again, a dry, dusty sound, and she had a feeling he hadn’t laughed a lot in the last couple of years.

He helped with the dishes after dinner and they wandered into the family room. Krissa clicked through the many channels on TV until she found a movie they both wanted to watch. Shortly before ten o’clock, Derek arrived home.

He’d been drinking, she could tell immediately, smelling it on him, but he wasn’t drunk. But then, she’d been drinking, too, she and Nate having finished off the bottle of Pinot Noir and started in on the Sauvignon Blanc.

“Long day,” he sighed. He yanked his tie down and then off, undid the top buttons of his shirt. He sat down on the couch beside her, Nate having moved to the arm chair across from the sofa when Derek had come in. Derek put his arm around her and pulled her against him, kissed her head. “How was your day?”

“Good.”

“Really?” He drew back and looked at her. “You’re not mad still?”

She sighed, pasted on a smile. “I’m okay.”

“Love you, Krissa.” He hugged her and kissed her mouth.

She closed her eyes. She loved him, too. He was her husband. For better or for worse. How could she leave him?

But she couldn’t deny the aching sadness still lingering deep inside her.

Nate watched Derek embrace his wife and kiss her, and shifted in the armchair. He’d almost been hoping she’d still be pissed at Derek. He deserved it. He should have been home with his wife.

For some reason, Nate was annoyed at his friend. He’d hurt Krissa. And then he didn’t even come home for dinner. Again.

Hell, it was none of his business. If Krissa was okay, he shouldn’t be worked up about it anymore either.

Krissa snuggled into Derek’s side, closer, and Derek put both arms around her. One hand stroked her hip and she rested her cheek on his chest, her hand on his shoulder. Then Derek slid his hand to the back of her thigh and lifted her knee across his lap. With a sigh, Krissa’s hand moved to Derek’s neck and she tipped her head back to look at his face.

“I’m sorry, babe,” he whispered. Nate could barely hear him. He wanted to look away from the increasing intimacy of their pose, but couldn’t. From behind his dark glasses, he knew they couldn’t really tell if he was looking at them or not. He faced the television screen but could see them.

Derek bent his head and kissed Krissa again, and Nate watched her mouth open beneath Derek’s. Nate’s groin tightened, heavy and full. The kiss deepened, Krissa’s hand on Derek’s cheek, his hand on her ass. As they kissed, mouths shifting, he could see tongues touching and licking, heard soft breaths and soft, wet suckling noises.

Someone groaned—he wasn’t sure if it was Krissa or Derek—and Nate’s cock swelled. Jesus. Had they forgotten he was there?

His cock throbbed beneath the fly of his jeans, and he altered his position in the chair again. He swallowed, but still couldn’t drag his eyes off the vignette of the couple making out in front of him.

Their mouths parted, wet and shiny, and they looked at each other. Krissa blinked, caressed her husband’s face. Derek nuzzled her neck, kissed her throat.

Krissa’s eyes drifted to Nate and widened. “Oh.” She pushed at Derek. “Derek. Stop.”

“Mmm.” He licked her throat and she quivered.

“Stop, Derek. Nate’s here.”

“S’okay,” he murmured. “He likes to watch. Dontcha, Nate?”

Derek lifted his head and sent a wicked smile Nate’s way.

Nate’s skin burned and tingled all over and his cock pulsed. He wanted to touch himself. He wanted to see more. He wanted Derek to touch Krissa. Hell, Nate wanted to touch Krissa.

He swallowed a groan but didn’t answer Derek, who had returned to kissing and sucking the soft flesh of Krissa’s neck and shoulder. Her head fell back.

“Derek…” her voice trailed off.

Touch her. Nate could see her breasts swelling beneath her thin T-shirt, begging to be touched. Christ, if Derek didn’t do it soon, he was going to.

Derek did it. His hand slid up over Krissa’s flat stomach under the T-shirt, and cupped her breast.

Nate was going to explode.

Krissa gave a soft moan that sounded like the word “no” but if it was, Derek ignored her, caressed her breast, the T-shirt riding high and exposing her smooth tummy.

Fuck. Nate was either going to whip his dick out and jerk off right there in front of them, or he was going to burst. Gritting his teeth, he rose to his feet and almost staggered out of the room.

“I’ll give you two some privacy,” he muttered, and headed to his room.

He tore off the sunglasses, not bothering with the light in his room, and fell onto the bed, hands fumbling at his zipper. He shoved his jeans open and down, pulled out his aching cock and fisted it. He groaned into the soft darkness, the pull of his hand gratifying, relieving. He slid his other hand under his T-shirt, rubbed his chest as he thrust into his fist. Then he lowered his hand to cup his balls, squeezed, and pumped into his hand only a few times before he came, white hot streams of semen spurting onto his belly.

He lay there panting, staring at the ceiling.

Derek was only half right. Nate did like to watch. But Derek liked to watch, too.

Lost and Found

Chapter Nine

Krissa watched Cameron lift up her shirt, exposing her full breast, the nipple distended, blue veins visible under almost translucent skin. Cameron directed the nipple into the mouth of her waiting baby, who latched on. Immediately her little cheeks worked as she suckled.

Krissa sighed as she watched, fascinated, envious. Her own nipples hardened and she ached way down low. Cameron adjusted the baby with a cushion beneath her arm and smiled down at her tiny daughter who gazed back up at her with wide eyes.

Krissa appreciated the beauty of the picture they made, but for some reason felt confused, a jumble of emotions inside her. Probably because of last night.

Heat cascaded over her. She’d had to escape the house, unable to stay home and face Nate all alone, all day. She closed her eyes at the memory of what she and Derek had done in front of him. God! How embarrassing.

And yet…exciting.

What had Derek meant—he liked to watch? Her imagination could go wild with scenes of Nate and Derek and…who? When? Oh, God.

She throbbed between her legs, clenched her thighs together.

“She slept eight hours last night,” Cameron said, raising her gaze from her baby to Krissa. “God, it felt good. The twins didn’t sleep through the night ’til they were almost a year old.”

“They’re boys. I hear boys are slower at everything.”

Cameron giggled. “It’s true. Look at them.” Her gaze went to the far end of the family room where the two boys played with plastic building blocks. “They’re three years old and just out of diapers.” She rolled her eyes.

“That’s not bad,” Krissa said.

Cameron grinned. “What do you know about toilet training?”

Ah. Busted. Krissa didn’t want to admit to Cam that she’d been reading all about babies and pregnancy for the last two years. She probably knew more than most mothers.

“And we had sex last night.”

Krissa choked on a laugh. “Cam!”

“What? That’s big news. It was the first time in…God. Months.” She sighed. “You’re supposed to wait six weeks, but after six weeks I was still, don’t touch me!”

“You look great.” And she did. Cam’s shoulder-length blonde hair could use some fresh highlights, and without any makeup her pale lashes and freckles made her look like a teenager. The faded T-shirt and old khaki shorts didn’t exactly do much for her, but hey, she was a mom at home with her kids. She looked fine.

Cam laughed. “I look like hell. But I’ve lost the weight. Just wish I had time to shower and put on make-up once in a while. What’s new with you?” Cameron touched a finger to baby Emma’s cheek.

“Um…do you remember Derek’s friend Nate?”

“The big shot photographer?”

Krissa smiled. “Yes. He’s home. He’s staying with us for a while.”

She told Cam about Nate’s eye problems.

“That’s so awful.” Cam’s brows drew together. “I hope he gets better.”

“Me, too. He’s so talented…I think it would kill him if he couldn’t take pictures.”

Cam sighed. “I have to go back to work in a few weeks. Can you believe that?”

“It seems so soon.” Krissa’s eyes fell to the baby and she watched Cam switch breasts.

“I’m still breastfeeding,” Cam said unnecessarily. “How am I supposed to work full time?”

“It can be done.”

Cam sent her another what-the-hell-do-you-know-about-it look.

“So quit,” Krissa said.

“I can’t quit. I’m the alpha earner.”

“Huh?”

Cam laughed humorlessly. “I make way more money than Eric. We can’t afford for me to quit.”

“Would you? If you could?”

“In a heartbeat.” Cam’s gaze returned to her baby’s face. Emma’s eyelids had drifted shut but still she suckled. Cam blinked. “But that’s not going to happen.”

Cam looked like she was going to cry.

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m even married to Eric. If he can’t support his family.”

Krissa’s mouth fell open. “Uh…Cam? This is the twenty-first century. It’s not up to the men to support us anymore.” She tipped her head. “You know, when you think about it, that’s quite a burden to put onto a guy. Like, back in the fifties, when all moms stayed home with the kids. D’you think the husbands ever felt the pressure? They must have worried about that—losing their job, making the next mortgage payment when the kids were begging for new bikes.”

Cam laughed. “Back in our grandparents’ day.”

“Well, yeah. Seriously. Isn’t it better now that both parents are responsible? Now they share the burden?”

“That’s not always the case. I know lots of moms who stay home with their kids. They don’t seem to mind putting that all onto their husband’s shoulders. I wouldn’t mind, if only Eric made enough for us to live on.”

“I thought his business was doing well.”

Cam’s mouth twisted glumly. “Not so good lately.”

“Oh, no.” Krissa stared at her friend, distressed.

Cam waved a hand. “It’s doing okay. But it means I certainly can’t quit my job.”

“You couldn’t live off what he makes?”

“Uh…no, we couldn’t. We’d have to sell this house and move to…Oxnard.”

“A fate worse than death.” But Krissa smiled. “Would you really let a guy support you? Not have any money of your own?”

“You’ve been a double income couple too long. When you’re married, the money belongs to both of you. It’s not his and yours.”

Krissa shrugged. She didn’t want to argue, but she liked having some financial independence. She couldn’t imagine the thought of asking Derek for money for new shoes. But then again, she didn’t have children, and that probably changed everything.

If she ever had a baby, would she feel differently? She’d always imagined herself as a mother, falling in love with her baby, but she’d also always imagined she would continue to work. Would she be like Cam? Would she fall so desperately in love with her children that she’d give up her career—to stay home with her children? In her case, there was no question of Derek’s ability to support them if she didn’t work. His real estate sales were into seven figures last year.

She wouldn’t even tell that to Cam; that would not make her feel any better right now. Ironically, Krissa was the one who’d assumed she’d continue on with her career. Even though she barely had a career. And yet…she really had no idea how she would feel once she held her baby in her arms.

She ached at the thought that she would never know.

“Don’t have kids, Kris. It’s too hard.”

Krissa looked away. In all this time, she’d never told Cam that she and Derek had been trying. Had never confessed her deepest longing. And now she couldn’t share the agony she felt about Derek’s sterility and his decision to not have kids.

Sometimes she wanted to spill it all and share it with someone, and Cam was her best friend. Other times, she was glad Cam didn’t know, because it seemed so pathetic to want something so badly and have it constantly out of reach. But at this moment, Krissa felt anger. Cam was so goddamn lucky and she didn’t even know it. It pissed her off so much. Rage bubbled inside her.

“You love your kids,” she choked out.

“Yeah. But life was so much easier without them.”

Krissa paused to grab control of her emotions. “Oh, Cam. How can you say things like that? I hope you don’t say that in front of the twins.”

Cam’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit. You’re totally right. I’m going to warp them. They’re going to turn into serial killers because they thought I didn’t want them.”

“Why did you have another baby? If things were so hard.” She tried to soften her voice so it didn’t sound like an accusation.

Cam grimaced. “Why do you think? We didn’t plan it.”

Krissa’s heart squeezed. How many times had she heard this story? It was almost a cliché—it seemed like every pregnant woman she knew had gotten knocked up accidentally. Meanwhile, she’d been trying for years and couldn’t. And now she never would.

The empty ache spread inside her. She’d come here to remove herself from the discomfort of staying home with Nate, only to find herself getting dragged down again into the despair of being childless.

She stood up and went over to where Benjamin and Alexander played. They were being so good. Some child time was what she needed.

“Hey, guys,” she said, dropping to the floor beside them.

“Auntie Kwissie,” Ben said. He jumped onto her lap, almost knocking her over and she laughed and hugged him. “Pway wiff us.”

And she did.

On the drive home, she realized that being with Cam and her children had plunged her back into the pool of longing for a child. She gripped the steering wheel tightly.

She would talk to Derek again. There were many things she didn’t bother arguing with him about. She liked a peaceful life—arguing made her tense and miserable. But this…she couldn’t let something this important drop. She’d find a way to convince him. There must be a way.

She nibbled her bottom lip as she drove, thoughts careening around in her head.

Her first choice would be a sperm donor. Then at least half the baby’s DNA would be hers. Surely to God Derek could love a child that was hers? Suppose she’d had a child before they met. He’d love that child, too, wouldn’t he?

She flicked on her blinker and turned the wheel, pulling into the driveway of their home. She parked, put the car in gear, turned off the ignition, but still sat there, mind churning.

Maybe they just had to find the right donor. She’d already told him they could pick someone who looked just like him. But…what if they had a family member who would do it? Would that be weird? It almost seemed…incestuous. But Derek had no brothers, and no male cousins either. And neither did she.

A friend.

Krissa went very still, lifted her eyes to the house. Her body tightened and she swallowed. What if…she closed her eyes.

Impossible. It was impossible.

But she had to try it. If Derek would even consider it…it was worth a shot.

She tried to clamp down on the excitement lurching inside her as she hurried into the house.

She called out a hello to Nate in his bedroom, then went straight to her office and shut the door. “I need to talk to you,” she said urgently into the phone.

“I’ll be home for dinner,” Derek said. “Be home by six at the latest tonight. I promise.”

Krissa shifted from one foot to the other. “Can’t you get home early tonight? This is important.”

He sighed. “I can’t, hon. I’ll get there as quick as I can. What’s going on?”

“I just need to ask you something. I have an idea…”

“About what?”

What the hell did he think it was about? She held the phone away from her ear and scowled at it. “What color to paint the kitchen,” she said bitterly. “Okay, fine, we’ll talk when you get here.”

“Okay, babe, see you later.”

She dropped the phone. Damn. Patience wasn’t one of her strengths. When she got an idea in her head, she needed to do something about it. Now.

She turned on her computer. She’d researched sperm donation but not how it worked when you used the sperm of someone you knew.

She sank into her chair and covered the mouse with her hand, propping her chin on her other hand.

She heard the knock at her door and jumped. Her eyes flew back to the computer screen. “Uh…hang on.” She quickly closed the window. “Come in.”

“Hey.” Nate stood in the door, looking big and gorgeous in his jeans and close-fitting T-shirt. God, he was a hot guy.

She gulped. That wasn’t an appropriate thought.

“Hi.” She smiled brightly.

“I was wondering about joining a gym,” he said, taking a step into her office. “I still feel kind of puny after being sick.” He may have been sick but he was a long way from puny, with lots of muscle definition under that T-shirt.

“Uh…you want to work out?”

“Yeah. I lost a lot of weight—I’d like to bulk up a bit.”

He’d always been an athlete. Being fit and strong was important to him. She blinked. “You look really good.” Shit.

“Uh…thanks.” He shoved his hand through his hair.

“Well, um…Derek has a gym downstairs. Not a lot of stuff—a universal gym, a bench, some weights, a treadmill. You’re welcome to use it.”

“Hey. That’s great. Since I don’t have a vehicle.”

“You can use my car anytime. Well, if I don’t need it. Tomorrow I’ll be out all day doing presentations for one of my clients, but otherwise you can use it.”

“I should think about renting a car, maybe. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be here.”

“Yeah, I guess you could do that.” She still sat perched on the edge of her chair and she drummed her fingers on the arm.

They looked at each other. The damn glasses hid his eyes so she had no idea if he was feeling as tense as she was. His posture gave away nothing, although she thought he did look a little stiff. Her eyes dropped to his crotch, then skittered away.

Jesus. What was wrong with her? Last night had obviously stirred up some hormones or something.

“I’ll go check it out,” Nate said, and disappeared.

She slumped back in the chair.

Lost and Found

Chapter Ten

After dinner, which Krissa threw together haphazardly, too distracted to care about what she cooked or ate, she dragged Derek into their bedroom. Nate gave them a funny look and she realized he thought she was so horny she was taking Derek in there to jump him. She almost laughed. If he only knew how mechanical their sex life had been lately.

“What?” Derek asked as she pushed him down to sit on the side of the bed. She sat beside him, turned sideways to face him, legs crossed.

“Okay,” she began, practically vibrating. “I have an idea. About having a baby.”

His face darkened. “Oh, Krissa. I thought we were done with that.” He rubbed a hand over his eyes.

“I know. But just listen. I can sort of understand not wanting to adopt. But a sperm donor would mean half the baby’s genes are mine. Half me, Derek. Wouldn’t you love a baby that was half me?” She pleaded for understanding with her eyes fastened on his.

“I don’t know.” He looked away, put his hand to the back of his head. His mouth straightened into a grim line. “I don’t think so.”

“What if…” she paused, swallowed. “What if the sperm donor was someone we knew? Someone we loved? Wouldn’t that make it better?”

He frowned, looked back at her. “What are you talking about?”

She rose up onto her knees, grabbed his arm. “I’m talking about asking someone we know to be the sperm donor. If it was someone close to us, that would be the next best thing, wouldn’t it?”

He just stared at her. She waited.

“I’m…I’m talking about Nate, Derek.” She bit her lip.

His eyebrows shot up. “What the…?”

She nodded, kept her eyes on him. “He’s your best friend. He knows about us. He’s the only one who does. You love him like a brother, and I…” Her throat stopped working momentarily. “I like him too. He’s a great guy. Smart. Talented. Good-looking.”

Derek frowned.

“He’s your friend,” she rushed on. Her fingers tightened on his arm. She felt the crisp hairs, the tight cords of muscle and sinew under warm skin. Her eyes roamed over his face, waiting for him to respond.

“That’s insane.”

She sat back onto her heels. Air whooshed out of her lungs.

“No it’s not.” She gripped him tighter. “It’s a perfect idea. Just think about it, Derek.”

He shook his head, looked like he was in pain. “It’s crazy, Krissa.”

“People do it all the time. I was on the internet. Women donate eggs to family members. Guys donate sperm. Women even act as surrogate mothers and donate their uterus for the baby. This would be nothing like that. And what could be better than having someone you know and love do that for us?”

Derek stood up, walked across to the window and stared out.

She waited. Waited. Waited. It seemed like he was thinking about it, despite his protests.

He put a hand on the window sill and leaned forward.

“Derek?”

Slowly, she unfolded her legs and slid off the bed. She moved up behind him, put her arms around his waist, laid her cheek on his broad back.

“What makes you think he would do that?”

She bit her lip. “I don’t know. I don’t know if he’d agree to it. He might.”

“Jesus, Krissa. It seems weird to me.”

“Would you think about it? Please?”

He said nothing for a long moment. “I’ll think about it.”

Tears filled her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered. He turned and wrapped his arms around her and she hugged him back. “Thank you.”

“Don’t say anything to him.”

“Of course not! You have to agree, and then we’d have to ask him…he might not want to do it.” Her tummy flipped at the thought that he could say no. Oh, what if Derek agreed but Nate wouldn’t?

They’d deal with that when they had to. If they had to.

“We‘ve gotten approval to manufacture a new medication that treats Alzheimers.”

The Vice President of Human Resources at Austerlitz Pharmaceuticals leaned on the table in the board room where they met. Krissa nodded.

“This is completely different than our others products. Our salesmen don’t know how to market this to doctors. We need to hire a new sales team with the right kinds of skills to sell this drug.”

“I think it’s wonderful that you recognize the different skill sets required, and recognize that your current sales team doesn’t have them.”

It was difficult to keep her mind on recruitment and selection when all she could think about was Nate and his sperm. Well. She forced her mind back to the discussion.

The HR Manager, Niles Arnett, nodded. “We knew that early on. The new product will be ready to market in two months. Is that long enough to recruit a new sales team? We aren’t sure what we’re looking for.”

“Two months is tight,” she said. “Very tight. I’ll need to do some research. Do you have information about the demographics?”

They provided her with a folder full of promotional information about the new drug, and she asked a few more questions, took notes, working hard to keep her focus.

“I’ll have a plan to you within a week,” she told them as they all stood. She shook hands with the men in the room. “I’m looking forward to working with you again.”

It helped that she’d done a fourteen-month stint in their HR department a few years ago, knew the players and understood the business.

When she left she felt a ripple of pleasure at the new contract, but her mind quickly went back to making a baby. Her stomach clenched. God, she hoped Derek would agree to ask Nate.

Nate heard the phone at the same time as he heard the door open. Probably Krissa home from work. He wasn’t sure if he should answer it anyway. She picked up mid-ring and he wandered from his bedroom to the kitchen where she talked.

“Hello?” She paused “What’s wrong?” Again she listened. “Do what, honey?”

Nate walked into the kitchen to see Krissa leaning against the counter. Her powder blue suit hugged every curve, the short jacket nipped into her waist, the skirt ending just above her knees. He’d seen her legs, of course; she wore shorts all the time, but today those legs ended in a pair of sexy stilettos. Wow.

“Do you want me to come over? Where’s Eric? Oh.” Krissa glanced at Nate. “I’ll come over, then. Be there in…twenty minutes.”

She hung up the phone and straightened. “Hi. Gotta go.”

He arched a brow.

“My friend Cameron is having a meltdown.” She started toward him, removing her suit jacket as she walked, exposing a silk blouse in shades of blue that resembled a water-color print.

“What’s the problem?” He stepped aside so she could get though the door. She sighed.

“The usual. She’s overwhelmed and her husband is out.”

“Want me to come?”

She shook her head. “No, that’s okay. Sorry to leave you again, though.”

He shrugged, followed her down the hall. “Are you sure? I could help.”

She stopped in the door of her bedroom. He’d been about to follow her in there. Whoa. He was getting way too comfortable there.

“You’ve had a long day, too,” he pointed out.

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll just change and we can go.”

She closed the door and he backed off. She looked so professional, she seemed like a different person than cute, casual Krissa. The sleek hair, the makeup, the suit, the heels…it was kind of intimidating.

When she emerged, she’d changed into a short denim skirt and a tank top. Still looked damn delicious. She grabbed her keys and purse. “Okay, let’s go.”

“Does this happen often?” he asked, as they drove.

“Not often. But it has happened before. Just since the baby was born.”

“How old is the baby?”

“Emma’s three months old. The twins are three. They’re a handful. And Emma’s a pretty good baby, but you know…all babies are work. And she’s had these colicky spells.” Krissa shook her head. “She doesn’t stop crying for hours. I think that’s what’s happening. It makes Cam insane.”

A baby screaming non-stop. What was he getting himself into? Nate grimaced.

A short time later they pulled up in front of a small cottage on a palm-lined street. It was nowhere near the mansion that Krissa and Derek owned, but it was nice. Not that big. Probably crowded with three kids.

Krissa rang the door bell but didn’t wait, just let herself in with an easy familiarity. “I’m here,” she called out. Nate immediately heard the harsh, exhausted cries of a baby.

“Sit down!” a woman’s voice screamed. “Just. Sit. Down!”

Nate followed Krissa to the back of the house to a family room off the kitchen. The baby’s cries grew louder, joined by the frightened sobs of a toddler.

A woman stood there, baby in her arms. Tears streaked both the woman’s face and the baby’s scarlet cheeks. The two children sat on the floor, one crying, the other near to tears. A bowl of cereal had been dumped onto the carpet, milk seeping in a circle around it.

One small boy covered his face with his hands. He looked so forlorn, Nate’s chest squeezed.

The baby continued to howl, Cameron continued to cry and the twins both began sobbing.

What a nightmare.

Lost and Found

Chapter Eleven

Nate glanced at Krissa, feeling lost.

Krissa reached for the baby and Cam released her.

“Have you fed her?” Krissa asked.

“Yes.”

“Changed her diaper?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then. Go. Go wash your face, change or whatever, and go.”

Cam stood there. She glanced at Nate who forced a smile. “Go where?”

“Wherever you want,” Krissa said patiently, giving her friend a small push. “Shopping. A movie. Go sit at the beach for a couple of hours. You have to get out of here. If you can hear the baby crying, you’re too close.”

Cam turned, looked over her shoulder at them as she went down the hall.

Nate watched Krissa shift the baby in her arms into a strange position where she lay on her stomach across Krissa’s forearm. Krissa patted the baby on her back. “Okay, boys, what’s the problem here?”

They both sniffled and hiccupped. “I spilled my cereal,” one said. Nate looked from one identical twin to the other.

“Let me,” he murmured and went to the kitchen. He snooped through cupboards until he found paper towels and something to clean the carpet with, returned. He crouched down in front of the boys and started scooping soggy cereal into the bowl. He scraped up as much as he could, then blotted the milk with towels.

“I’m Nate,” he said to the boys and smiled. “You guys help me clean this up and we’ll get something else to eat. Okay?”

They nodded, wide-eyed, and helped clean, pressing paper towels with all their little might to absorb the milk, then scrubbed at the stain. Krissa walked with the baby, rhythmically patting her back and murmuring soothingly to her. The wails seemed a little less frantic, although they continued.

It was enough to drive you insane. He could see why Cameron was freaking out. She appeared in the door, car keys in hand, brows drawn together and her mouth a thin line.

“Are you sure…”

“She’ll be fine, Cam.” Krissa walked over to her friend. “You know she’ll be fine. You just have to get away.”

“But she’s crying…”

Krissa nodded. “Yup. Now, go.”

Cam left. Krissa walked another circle around the room and Nate took the boys into the kitchen.

“I don’t know your names,” he told them.

“I’m sorry.” Krissa walked over. “This is Alexander.” She put her hand atop one blond head. “And this is Benjamin. They’re three.”

“We’re twins,” Ben piped up.

“I see that. I can’t even tell you apart.” Nate grinned. “What’s the secret?”

Krissa smiled at him. “Ben has longer hair.”

“Ah.” He studied them. “Okay. But I bet you’re different in other ways aren’t you? One of you is the good twin and one is the evil twin. Right?”

The boys laughed. “I’m the good one!” Ben cried.

“No, I am!”

Their tears were apparently forgotten. “Okay, you guys hungry? What do you want?”

“I want chicken noodle soup.”

“I want a gillcheese sammich.”

Nate grinned at them. Damn, they were cute little guys. “I can make both,” he said. “Lucky for you. Where’s the soup?” He opened and closed cupboard doors, started cooking, aware of Krissa walking and walking with the crying baby. But the screams were quieting, interspersed with soft snuffles. Krissa rubbed Emma’s back and at one point sat down tentatively, but the crying resumed.

Nate caught her eye and she smiled ruefully. “I was afraid that wouldn’t work.” And she paced again.

“She needs to move,” he commented.

“Yes. There’s something about that rhythm…putting her in her car seat and going for a drive apparently works, too. I’ve heard of parents who put their kid’s car seat on top of the clothes dryer. The hum and the vibration put them to sleep.”

“How do you know she’s okay?”

Krissa shrugged. “If she’s not hungry, wet or poopy, she’s probably okay. The first time this happened when I was here, I freaked out just like Cameron. But after a couple hours of crying, Emma was exhausted, fell asleep and was fine. Nobody really knows what this colic thing is. Some think it’s gas. Others think it’s just the stress of the day built up to a point where the baby can’t handle it anymore.”

He nodded, ladled soup into bowls. “Now this is hot,” he cautioned them. But impatient, Ben had to try it, then started crying when it burned his mouth. Shit.

“Here.” Nate poured him a glass of cold juice.

“Mommy puts ice cubes in our soup,” Alex said helpfully. Okay. He could do that.

When the twins had eaten, the baby had fallen asleep and Krissa sat down with her. “I don’t want to put her down,” she said softly. She’d changed Emma’s position so she cradled her in her arms. Nate watched the tender expression on her face as she gazed down at the sleeping little bundle. Now she was quiet, she was adorable.

Nate played with the twins, although he felt he should clean up the kitchen and do the dishes, but they dragged him outside to see their play structure. Outside it was easy to amuse them, and he let them run and swing and slide until Cam arrived home.

Inside, Krissa was handing the baby over to Cam. “She just woke up,” Krissa said. “And I think she’s hungry, so it’s perfect timing.”

The baby nuzzled at her mother’s breast. Cam looked much better, exhausted but in control. “Thank you,” she said with a sigh, dropping her purse to the floor. She sank onto the couch and unbuttoned her blouse.

Startled, Nate averted his eyes. Uh, yeah. That’s how babies were fed.

“You remember Nate, don’t you?” Krissa asked Cam. “I didn’t get a chance to say anything earlier.”

Forced to turn to her, Nate kept his eyes above Cam’s shoulder level.

“Of course,” Cam said with a smile. “Sorry about all the drama, Nate.”

“No problem. It was fun playing with the boys. They’re good kids.”

She rolled her eyes. “They’re little monsters.”

“Cam!”

Nate’s gaze went to Krissa’s horrified face.

“They are,” Cam said.

“They have a lot of energy,” Nate put in. “They’re kids.”

Krissa nodded, glanced at her watch. “We should go. Derek was planning to be home around eight.” Then her eyes drifted to the kitchen. “I’ll just clean up a bit…”

Nate followed her and helped do the dishes and wipe the counters.

“Thank you again. You’re a lifesaver, Kris, truly.” Nate read the gratitude in Cam’s eyes, dropped his gaze to the nursing baby for a fleeting look, then turned to Krissa. She watched the baby with a look in her eyes that was…hunger. Longing.

How hard was this for her, to come and help her friend, see the baby, knowing she was never going to have this? He rubbed at a strange twinge in his chest.

“Any time, Cam,” Krissa replied quietly. She met Nate’s gaze. “Shall we go?”

“Bye, Kris, bye, Nate,” Cam called.

“Bye, Auntie Kwissie! Bye, Unca Nate!”

Uncle Nate. Amused, Nate waved at the boys as they left.

“Whew.” Krissa blew out a breath once out of the house. “That was crazy.” She eyed him. “Thanks for coming. You were a big help with the twins.”

He shrugged. “No problem. I like kids.”

She tipped her head and got a funny look on her face. “You were good with them.” She hesitated, then slid into the car.

Derek had arrived home before they did. He’d already had dinner with clients, but Krissa and Nate hadn’t, so she quickly made them sandwiches. “Gillcheese sammiches,” she said to Nate with a grin.

“But not just any cheese,” he noted. “Not that processed cheese on white bread I made for them.” He looked approvingly at the Havarti and Gruyere combination on thick toasted multi-grain bread.

“Gourmet gillcheese,” she agreed. They laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Derek walked into the kitchen, having changed out of his suit into jeans.

Krissa waved a hand. “Nothing. We just got back from rescuing Cam. She was having a mommy meltdown.”

“Again?” Derek frowned, took a beer out of the fridge. “Want one?” He looked at Nate, who nodded. Derek handed the bottle to him and got another one.

“Uh…Krissa? Want a drink?” Nate asked, sending Derek a frown.

She smiled at Nate. Aw. That was so nice of him. Derek, the big idiot, hadn’t even thought of her. “I’d love a beer,” she replied and shot Derek a look, so he retrieved another one from the fridge and brought it to her. “Thanks, hon.”

“What’s Cameron’s problem now?” Derek raised the bottle to his mouth. “They should never have had that third baby.”

“That’s what she says.” Krissa couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice and both men glanced at her. She shrugged. “Hey, Emma was an accident. She admits that.”

Krissa looked at Derek, tried to catch his eye. She wanted to talk to him, to see if he’d though any more about her idea. They had to do this. Amazingly, spending two hours walking a screaming baby hadn’t diminished her desire to have one of her own even a bit.

She took a bite of her sandwich. Warm melty cheese and crusty bread melded together in a delicious mouthful. “This is good.”

“Very good,” Nate agreed. He’d almost finished his.

Impatience made her take small breaths, her chest tight. She stuffed the rest of the sandwich into her and slid off her stool. She reached for Nate’s plate, but he shook his head.

“Let me clean up.” He took her plate instead.

“Again. Thanks for helping at Cam’s place. Finding time to do the dishes is hard. I know it’s hard for her to even have a shower.”

Derek gave her a look that she knew said, “And you want that?” She glared at him. “We need to talk. Come on.” She grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the kitchen, down the hall, to their bedroom.

She closed the door of their bedroom and leaned against it. “Did you think about it?”

“About what?”

She huffed out a breath. “Derek! You know what. About Nate.”

“Oh. Yeah.” He ran a hand through his short hair. “I did think about it. All goddamn night. I don’t think I slept more than an hour.”

“Oh, no.” She stepped toward him “So? What do you think?”

Her tummy tightened painfully.

He smiled at her. Oh, God. Could he…

“I think it’s worth a shot. You’re right. If we have to do this, it should be him. No, let me rephrase this. I won’t do it—unless it’s him.”

“Oh, God.” Her whole body trembled and she took another step toward him, held out her hands. He met her and took her hands in his. She stared at him. “Really? Really, Derek?”

He nodded, but a frown edged his brow. “We can ask him—but remember, Krissa, he could say no. Don’t get your hopes up too much.”

She nodded, her mind racing. “Let’s go talk to him now.”

“Wait, wait, honey.” He tugged on her hands. “Slow down. I think I should talk to him.”

She blinked. “Oh. Why?”

“I just think it might be better between him and me.”

“Well…okay.” She nibbled her lip. “But you will try, won’t you? I mean, if he’s hesitant, you have to try to convince him.”

“I’m not going to beg him.”

“No, I mean you have to try to make him understand how much we want this.” Her eyes searched his for reassurance. Not that she didn’t trust him, but… “Maybe I should be there. I could tell him again how much I want this…”

“You’ve already talked to him about it?”

“Not about this. Just about how much I want a baby. How hard it’s been.”

“Oh.” He looked taken aback.

“You’d already told him about the test results. It wasn’t a big secret. From him anyway. Since he knew, I thought I could talk to him about it. And he was really nice.”

Derek nodded. “Yeah. Well, let me try, okay? I promise, I won’t let him off too easy.” A smile touched his lips. She stood on her toes and kissed him.

“Thank you,” she whispered. She slid her arms around him and moved in for a hug. They held each other for a moment, then she leaned back. “I’ll…go have a bath. And you two can talk.”

He nodded, looking serious and left the room.

Nate sat in the family room in the dark. He didn’t even bother with the television. He looked around, clasped his beer in two hands between his knees. He sighed.

Again, Krissa’d dragged Derek into the bedroom. Nate was obviously in their way. What the hell were they doing in there?

Like he needed to ask. What else would a husband and wife be doing in their bedroom? They’d probably be screwing on the couch if he wasn’t there.

He tipped the beer to his mouth, and the crisp bubbles stung his throat on the way down. His mouth twisted.

He apparently needed to get laid. All he could think about was sex. Especially after that little show Krissa and Derek had put on the other night. And it didn’t help that Krissa was so sexy and sweet. Seeing her every day in her skimpy shorts and tank tops, in her pajamas at night and in the morning, was torturing his libido.

The workout had helped. He’d spent a good couple of hours pushing his muscles until they burned and sweat dripped off his body.

He heard footsteps and Derek appeared. “Hey,” he said. “Need another beer?”

“Sure.” Nate finished his off.

Derek brought two beers and sat down on the chair across from him. He drew in a long breath, like he had something to say. Fuck, he was going to ask him to leave. He knew it. He was definitely cramping their style.

“I’m in your way, aren’t I?” he asked.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twelve

Derek’s eyes widened. “What? No. Of course not.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come on be honest, you two don’t need me hanging around. You need your marital privacy.”

Derek shook his head, squinted. “No, it’s fine, Nate. We don’t mind you being here. In fact…you may be able to do something…no, that sounds really bad.”

Nate frowned. “What sounds bad? What do you mean?”

Derek sighed. “I don’t know how to say this.” He looked away. “You know Krissa and I have been trying to have a baby.”

“Yeah.” Nate wasn’t sure where this was going. If Derek’s problem was his sterility, they couldn’t blame Nate being there and interfering in their sex lives for their lack of children.

“She wants a baby so bad.” He closed his eyes. “I don’t even totally understand it. It’s a woman thing, I guess.”

“I don’t know,” Nate said quietly. “Some guys want kids, too.”

“I do want kids. But…well, I already told you how I feel about it.”

“Yeah. And I know how disappointed Krissa is.”

“Yeah.”

There was silence. Both men gulped their beer.

“Well.” Derek swallowed, drank more beer. “Uh.”

Nate stared at his friend. Derek, the smooth talking salesman, was having a hard time spilling what was on his mind.

“What’s up buddy? Tell me.”

Derek rubbed his face. “This is the most bizarre conversation I’ve ever had. Okay. Here it is. We want you to donate your sperm.”

Nate’s head dipped and his eyes went wide. “Huh?”

“We want you to be the father of our child. Since I can’t.” Derek’s voice sounded different…thick. “Oh, man. This is hard. I never thought I’d be asking this. But, Jesus, if I have to…Krissa’s right. I want it to be you.”

“Me?” Nate still wasn’t sure he understood what Derek was saying. “I don’t get it.”

“Artificial insemination is one of the only options left for us. I don’t want to use an anonymous sperm donor, even if I can pick his IQ and eye color.” Nate heard the bitter tone in his voice. “But…” Derek lifted his eyes and met Nate’s. “I’d pick you.”

Nate shook his head. “You want my sperm?”

“Yes.”

Silence expanded in the room. Nate heard the faint tick of the clock in the kitchen.

“Jesus,” he finally said. He drained his beer and clattered it down on the coffee table. “I’m flattered, buddy, but…wow.”

“I know.” Derek blew out a breath. “I know. There are a lot of things to think about. Things we’d all need to agree on. We wouldn’t expect you to have any obligation to the child…we wouldn’t even have to tell the child.”

Nate shook his head. “Jesus Christ.”

“That’d be my preference,” Derek said. “Only, you, Krissa and I would ever have to know.”

Nate’s mind spun in circles. He didn’t know what to think. He’d be giving them a baby. He’d be giving Krissa a baby.

For some reason that touched something deep inside him. Like a finger poking him. He closed his eyes.

It would be his baby. But it would be their baby. Not his.

It was too much to comprehend.

“I would really love to help you two,” Nate said slowly. “You know I would. But this is…big.”

“Yeah, I know. Look, don’t make a decision right away. Think about it. Talk to Krissa about it, if you want. You know how much she wants this.”

“Does she know…you’re asking me this?”

“Yeah.” Derek smiled crookedly. “This was her idea.”

“Oh.” Nate shook his head, rubbed a hand over his mouth. “Okay.”

Krissa’s idea. She wanted this.

“But you’re okay with it?” Nate eyed Derek.

“Yeah, actually. I am. I thought about it and she’s right. I don’t want an anonymous donor. I want someone I know. I don’t have any brothers, so who else would it be?”

It touched Nate that they would think of him, but the whole idea scared the hell out of him. “What all is involved?”

“Hell if I know. Krissa’s the one who’s done all the research. She’d know. Talk to her tomorrow. After you think about it. Just…” Derek hesitated. “Don’t say no too quickly, Nate. She wants this so bad. It’s putting a strain on our marriage—has been for months. You’d be doing more than just helping us…you’d be saving us.”

Nate’s gut clenched. “No pressure, huh.”

Derek grinned. “Sorry. I really did not want to pressure you.”

“What if I say no? You gonna kick me out?”

“Christ, no!”

“You won’t be mad?”

Derek sighed. “Well, I can’t say I won’t be disappointed. And I can’t speak for Krissa. I warned her not to get her hopes up, because it’s your decision and you can say no. Absolutely. But I hope she wouldn’t hold it against you.”

Nate nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

Derek sagged with relief. “Oh, God. Thanks, man. That’s all we ask right now.”

Nate stood. “I think I’ll go turn in. Not that I’m likely gonna be able to sleep.”

Derek stood too. “Okay.”

Nate went upstairs to his room, past the closed door of Derek and Krissa’s bedroom. He’d heard the water running earlier, knew she was in there naked in the tub. Probably sick with worry and fear about the conversation they’d just been having.

Well, no more so than him. He couldn’t stop the string of curse words that ran through his head. This was so outrageous, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever been more dumfounded.

He threw himself down onto his bed, tossed the hated sunglasses aside in the dark room. Okay, yeah, there’d been times in his life when he’d been just as stunned. The day his wife had died. There wasn’t much that could compare to the shock, horror and disbelief of something like that. This was big, but not like that. Not life-altering.

Or when he’d found out his wife had been having an affair. Also an event that had changed him forever. Destroyed his trust, the love he’d had for his wife. Then of course he’d felt guilty, because she was dead. And he’d never gotten to ask her the one question that was left hanging over his head…

Who was the father of her baby?

But even if she’d still been alive, she couldn’t have answered that question, because according to her journal, she didn’t even know. Fuck.

His chest tightened and his eyes ached at the memories. Why was he reliving this now? He’d done his best to run and hide from the pain. Now it was back, biting him on the ass.

He got up and paced around the bedroom, adrenaline flooding his bloodstream and making him unable to lay still.

He could donate sperm. It was no big deal. He wasn’t ever likely going to have kids of his own, and even if he did meet someone someday…he shivered. Even if he did marry and have children, what difference would it make?

People donated sperm all the time. That’s how sperm banks existed. He’d go into some clinic, jack off into a cup, and be done. He’d take off as soon as his sight came back, leaving behind a happy couple with their marriage saved.

Fuck off, he thought. Having babies doesn’t ever save a marriage if it’s in trouble. If Derek and Krissa thought this was the way to fix their problems, they needed to get over that pretty fucking quick.

But he had no idea how big their problems were. And if the stress of trying to have a baby really was the problem, then maybe this would help.

He fisted his hands in his too-long hair and yanked on it, let out a growl of frustration.

There was no doubt he wanted to help his friends. Of course he did. And when he thought of Krissa, something softened inside him. He’d become…fond of her the last few days, spending time with her while Derek was at work, getting to know her better. The image of her holding the baby in her arms, the tenderness on her face as she looked down at her, grabbed at his heart.

Why wouldn’t he do that for her?

Krissa sat at the desk in her office, compiling the feedback she’d received at the end of her sessions the day before. She enjoyed working with Phoenix Insurance. They were committed to making things better for their employees and she appreciated that.

She heard Nate get up, use the bathroom, go to the kitchen. She should go out there. But her tummy fluttered and leaped and her fingers trembled. She tried to keep Derek’s advice in mind—don’t get your hopes up. She’d been disappointed so many times over the last couple of years. Every twenty-eight days, basically. Every month when she’d hoped her period wouldn’t arrive. And then it did. Disappointment had sucked her down into a morass of self pity and every month it was a harder and harder struggle to get out of it.

This felt like the last time. The last hope. If Nate said no…how was she ever going to go on?

Don’t be ridiculous. She shook her head at her melodramatic thoughts. Of course she’d go on. Life went on. She’d be disappointed, but it’s not like she was going to die or anything. She shook her head.

But she couldn’t tame the flock of butterflies inside her that easily.

She finished compiling the feedback, calculated averages for responses and entered them in a spreadsheet. She’d send the report to Phoenix so they’d know their training had been well-received. She saved the spreadsheet in her Phoenix file, then closed it and stood up.

She went out to the kitchen, wondering if Nate was there.

But the kitchen was deserted. Nate’s empty mug sat on the counter, along with a plate with crumbs and a knife. She sighed, but a smile tugged at her lips. He must be feeling at home, because at first he’d been so careful to clean up after himself. Unlike Derek, who thought nothing of leaving plates and dishes all over the house, empty beer bottles on the floor next to the couch, dirty socks beside the hamper instead of inside it. Men.

She put the dishes into the dishwasher, wiped the counter although it was clean. She refilled her own coffee mug, went back to the office. Nate must have gone out, or maybe downstairs to the gym to work out.

She needed to work out. That would be a cure for her tautly strung nerves. But she’d wait until Nate was done. She had work to do anyway.

Her cell phone rang, which was her business phone, and when she answered it, Gemini Technologies was calling to tell her she’d been awarded the contract to work with them on their merger with another software company. They wanted help to merge the two corporate cultures, and since she’d worked for both companies and knew them well, she had an advantage over other consultants. This was a big contract—the money was equivalent to a whole year’s salary in her last job. One contract!

This was huge! Big enough to actually distract her from worrying about Nate’s response to their request. She talked to the client for nearly half an hour, working out details and arranging to meet the following week.

This contract ensured her business success. Excitement bubbled up inside her. She had to tell someone.

She hurried out of her office and downstairs to the basement. Sure enough, Nate lay on the padded bench, pushing weights above his shoulders.

His bare chest gleamed with sweat. His biceps bulged as he lifted the weight, muscles in his chest and abdomen rippling. His body was tanned and fit, and she didn’t know what he’d looked like before he’d gotten food poisoning and lost weight, but he definitely looked incredible now.

She stopped in the door, dry mouthed, her news momentarily forgotten. She swallowed with difficulty.

Nate noticed her standing there and the barbell across his chest wobbled. Then he slowly lowered it. “Hey.”

“Hey. Guess what?” She took a step forward. “I just got a call from Gemini Technologies. They just gave me a big contract!”

Nate sat up, grabbed a towel from the floor and wiped his face. The sunglasses hid his eyes as usual, but she could see his smile. “Hey, that’s great. Congratulations.”

“This is so incredible!” She clasped her hands together and walked closer. The musky male scent of Nate’s body tickled her nose. “The money is great and it’s such an important client—their name will look so impressive on my client list.”

“Awesome.”

“I just had to tell someone and I thought you might be down here.”

“Yeah. I like having the gym right here, it’s been so easy to work out.”

Her eyes moved over him again. “Mmm. I was thinking I need to work out. I haven’t lately and it would definitely help with all the stress.”

Well, she’d said it and now it was out there, hanging between them. She knew that he knew exactly what all her stress was related to.

He paused, sitting on the weight bench, the towel clasped in his hands.

Lost and Found

Chapter Thirteen

“Did you call Derek?”

She blinked. “About what?’

“About the contract.”

“Oh. Oh, no. Not yet, I will.”

“He’ll be happy for you.”

“Um. Yeah. Probably.” She paused. “Well, I’ll let you finish your workout.” She turned to leave.

“You know, if you want to work out, don’t let me stop you. There’s room for both of us here.”

She turned. “Yeah. Okay.” She went back upstairs. No way was she working out with Nate in the same room. Much as she’d like to admire his gorgeous muscles, the outright sexuality of his body and her inappropriate appreciation of it made her uneasy. She’d been married for five years and had never even given another man a second look.

Well, that was a lie. Of course she’d looked. Who didn’t look at attractive people? She looked at attractive women, too. She was honest enough to admit she checked out other women. She liked to see what they were wearing, how they accessorized, how their body compared to hers. It wasn’t a sexual thing. And sometimes she looked at good-looking men that way, too. Just…looking.

She went into her office and sank into the chair.

But when she looked at Nate, it wasn’t just looking. It was…feeling. Feeling something way down deep inside, a quivering, fluttering something…something like… attraction.

And that was waaaay off limits.

And she hadn’t even asked him if he’d thought about giving them a baby.

Sperm donation. She needed to think of it clinically. She’d go into the clinic and the doctor would artificially inseminate her. Her body tensed at the thought. Was it painful? It seemed such a…cold way to make a baby.

But she’d have a baby. She’d endure whatever she had to.

If only Nate would agree to do it.

Restless, impatient, and distracted again, she tried to return to her work.

She heard Nate come up a while later, heard the shower running, and then a soft knock at her door.

“Come in.” The door wasn’t even closed. She swiveled on her office chair. Nate stood there in one of his several pairs of faded, ripped jeans, riding low on his hips and a snug grey T-shirt. Stubble shadowed his dark face, his thick eyebrows low over his eyes, his mouth hard.

“Sorry to bother you.”

“You’re not a bother! Come in.”

He took two steps into the room, shoved his hands in his pockets.

“We need to talk.”

Nate studied Krissa. She looked adorably tense and nervous, a tight smile on her lush mouth, eyes sliding all over the room, everywhere but at him.

He watched her throat ripple as she swallowed, her lips tighten. Pretty lips. Full and pouty, pink and shiny, the corners always tilted up in a faintly happy way, even now.

He fisted his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Derek talked to me last night.”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure, Krissa?”

She met his gaze and held it steadily. “Yes. I’m sure, Nate.”

He drew a hand out of a pocket and laid it on his chest. “I’m honored. I hope you know that.”

She nodded, eyes huge, pouty mouth trembling.

“I thought about it all night.”

Again, a jerky nod of her head. Her fingers twisted together in her lap.

“And I decided…I’ll do it.”

The expression on her face didn’t change for several heartbeats. Then joy exploded across it. A smile widened her mouth and she jumped out of her chair, flew across the room to him. She took his hand, where it still lay on his chest, in both of hers and grabbed it tightly.

“Oh, Nate. Oh my God. Thank you. I can’t believe it.”

He smiled, not sure what else to say. Then somehow they ended up in each other’s arms, hugging fiercely. He felt wetness seep into the T-shirt over his chest, where Krissa’s face was pressed. He put a hand on her head, held her gently there, her hair silky beneath his fingers. Her body was small and warm and soft in his arms, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. A soft sob escaped her, but he couldn’t see her face covered by a curtain of glossy dark hair.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “Just hold on a minute, though.”

“What?” She drew back. Tears glimmered in fine lines down her cheeks. He brushed them away with his thumb.

“I’m willing to do it, but it’s a conditional yes. I need to know more about what’s involved. I expect there’s some kind of testing or screening, and who knows…I might not be…um…acceptable.”

She blinked at him, wet eyelashes spiky around her shiny eyes. “I’m sure you will be. I don’t know that much about how it works when you choose a donor, either. I looked into it a bit. But if you’re agreeable, I’ll make an appointment for you with Dr. Edgar. He’s at the fertility clinic in Ventura.”

He nodded. “The food poisoning—I’m over it. I don’t think there’s any long term effect—other than my eyes.” Goddammit. “I’m pretty healthy otherwise.”

“I’ll go make the appointment right now.”

He huffed out an amused breath. No patience whatsoever. But hey, let her do it.

She went straight to her desk and picked up her cell phone. Apparently she had the clinic number programmed into it. Which was kind of sad.

She spoke to someone and after a little argument, arranged an appointment for the next afternoon. She grimaced as she clicked her phone shut. “They were trying to tell me next week,” she grumbled, but smiled at him. “Next week is no good. I’m ovulating next week.”

Nate gulped. Uh, did he really need to know that?

“Next week? You think we can do this next week?”

“God, I hope so! This is so exciting! Oh, Nate, thank you again.”

He held up his hands. “Hey don’t thank me yet. And you know, I don’t even know for sure if I’ve got what it takes…nobody’s ever tested my sperm.”

She looked at him thoughtfully for a long moment. “Well. We’ll just keep our fingers crossed.” She dragged in a breath, expelled it. “Okay. This is good. We should call Derek and tell him.”

“The father’s always the last to know,” Nate murmured. He listened with amusement to her frustrated conversation when she couldn’t reach Derek.

“Where is he? Why isn’t he answering his cell phone?” she demanded of whoever was on the other end of the line, presumably Derek’s secretary. “Oh. Okay. Tell him to call me as soon as he can.”

Again she snapped the phone shut, her brows joined between her nose. Her adorable, pink little nose.

“We should go buy some champagne,” she said decisively. “We’ll celebrate tonight. With any luck, in another week I’ll be pregnant and won’t be able to drink anymore.”

With bemusement, he followed her out of the house.

After buying champagne, they went to the fish market on the Breakwater and bought fresh fish and mussels for dinner. Then they drove inland to a farmers’ market and spent an hour browsing through fresh produce. They laughed over the masses of shiitake mushrooms on display. For reasons he couldn’t even begin to explain, Nate bought a bunch of flowers, brightly colored daisies and gave them to Krissa. Her eyes shone as she took them in her arms.

“Thank you,” she said wonderingly. “That’s so nice. And they’re gorgeous. I love these gerbera daisies, the colors are so vivid.”

The sun illuminated the flowers and glowed on her fair skin, darkening the faint freckles ever so slightly. Her hair gleamed richly and her smile was happier than he’d seen it since he’d arrived. He longed to photograph her and capture the joy sparkling in her eyes.

Unfortunately all the outdoor activity took its toll on his eyes, and they burned and stung by the time they got into the car. He sat in the passenger seat with his head leaned back, eyes closed, felt the tears gather. Christ, he was like a baby. Maybe Krissa wouldn’t notice.

But of course she did, and fretted all the way home. “Get your drops,” she ordered once inside the house. And again, she ministered to him, handing him tissues to mop his face, drawing all the blinds and curtains so the whole house was dim.

“Fuck. This is never going to get better.” He clenched his fists at his side, sitting on the couch, head back.

“It will.” She put a soft hand on his forehead. “It will, Nate. I thought it had been better lately.”

“Only because I’ve been stuck inside here like a goddamm vampire, afraid to go out in the daylight.”

She laughed. “I’m sorry. What can I do?”

“Nothing.” The word snapped out of him mouth. Shit. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Didn’t mean to sound rude.”

“You’re entitled. I’ve done my share of bitching and whining lately.”

Well, it was nice that he could make at least one of them happy. Or two of them, even, considering Derek. Hopefully he was going to be happy. Meanwhile, his own life was still in the toilet, career on hold, wife dead—oh yeah, cheating wife—carrying a baby he didn’t even know for sure was his.

He was going to create another life. It might be his only chance to do that, and Krissa and Derek would be great parents to him or her.

Krissa bustled around the kitchen, cleaning the mussels, making a salad. When Nate’s eyes had calmed down and stopped burning and watering, he helped her. They decided to grill the fish with some fresh lemons and herbs, and they opened a bottle of wine to drink while they worked together side by side at the counter, talking and laughing.

Derek never called.

Krissa let herself into her parents’ home in Hope Ranch. Her dad was at work of course, but she’d called her mom to see if she could come over and visit. She had exciting news, she’d told her.

She had to share with someone. As with Cameron, Krissa had never confided their attempts to have a baby to her mother. For similar reasons. Krissa’s mother Lizbeth wasn’t one of those mothers who wanted to be a grandmother. Not like Derek’s mother, who thankfully lived on the other side of the continent so they didn’t have to endure her constant nosy questions about their family. No, Lizbeth constantly reminded Krissa about the sacrifices a mother made for her children. She’d despaired of Krissa’s job-hopping over the years. She’d envisioned Krissa taking after her father, who’d worked his way up through Capitol First Bank to President and CEO. Because, that’s what Lizbeth had always wanted for herself. She and David had met in college, both pursing business degrees. Except she’d gotten pregnant before they’d even graduated. And somehow that had knocked her off her career track.

“Kris!” Her mother greeted her with a hug. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

“I know. We’ve been kind of busy with Nate staying with us.”

“I suppose. Come in. Would you like some coffee?’

“Sure.”

Krissa dropped her purse on the living room floor and followed her mother into the kitchen. Their home in Hope Ranch was even bigger than hers and Derek’s. Her parents did entertain a lot, though, with her father’s business networking and her mother’s charity work.

“I ran into Cameron the other day,” Lizbeth said, pouring coffee.

“Oh. Where?”

“At the hospital.” Her mother did a lot of volunteer work with the hospital’s charitable foundation. “She had her twins there for some kind of testing.”

“Oh, that’s right. At the Child Development Clinic. She was all worried about them because they were still in diapers, until a few weeks ago.”

Lizbeth shook her head. “Diapers. My God. I’m so glad you and your sisters haven’t forced us to deal with that.”

Krissa’s two younger sisters, one traveling in Australia, the other trying to make it as an actress in L.A., were definitely not on the mommy track. But Krissa was. Her tummy fluttered with excitement. It would feel so good to finally tell someone.

“Don’t worry, Mom, if I have kids I won’t make you change diapers.”

Her mother handed her a cup of steaming fragrant coffee and wrinkled her pretty nose. “Thank goodness.” She shuddered. “It was bad enough going through that once—or rather, three times—I have no desire to do it again. I’m so glad you’re not rushing into having children.”

Krissa sighed. She’d just walked in the door and they were there already. “I know, Mom. But …”

“Children just suck the life out of you,” Lizbeth continued.

Krissa’s stomach tightened. She sipped her coffee.

“Cameron looked a mess,” Lizbeth added. “No makeup, she had baby spit up on her shirt. In fact,” she lowered her voice. “She’d forgotten to do up her nursing bra and her boobs were bouncing all over. It was so embarrassing.”

“Oh, no.” Krissa’s heart ached for Cameron. She did struggle. “She has three kids, Mom. It’s hard. I was just over helping her the other day.”

“I had three kids and I didn’t need help.”

Maybe you didn’t care as much, Krissa thought and then felt ashamed. She looked down at her coffee.

“I gave up my life for you three girls,” Lizbeth said. That must have been what…the thousandth time Krissa’d heard that? “But since I had to stay home with you and give up my career, I made the best of it. You didn’t catch me going out of the house without makeup and hair done.”

“Wow,” Krissa murmured. “I don’t know how you did it, Mom. You know, though…why did you have to give up your career?”

“Well, I just did. Some women were working outside the home back then, but not many.”

“Lots were. Women had choices. You didn’t have to stay home.”

Lizbeth blinked. “Why are you arguing with me about this? You were a baby, what do you know about what went on then?”

“Nothing.” Krissa sighed.

“Just don’t rush it. You’ve got your career to think about.” Lizbeth poured cream into her coffee and stirred it.

“I’m thirty-two, Mom. That’s hardly rushing it.”

“You have lots of time. So, what’s the exciting news you have to tell me?”

Krissa nibbled her bottom lip, her heart sinking like a stone in water . “Ah. Well.” She lifted the coffee cup to her mouth, swallowed scalding liquid. “I have a big new client.”

Lost and Found

Chapter Fourteen

Nate’s appointment the next afternoon didn’t go quite how he’d hoped.

When he arrived back at Krissa and Derek’s place, Derek was already there, home early. For once. No wonder they couldn’t get pregnant if Derek was never home. Then shame washed over Nate. There was a medical reason and it had nothing to do with Derek’s work schedule. And…the same could have been said about Nate and his marriage. There’d been many times he’d been away traveling, taking photographs…and somehow his wife had gotten pregnant. His gut clenched painfully.

“So, how’d it go?” Krissa asked immediately. She laid cutlery at one place setting at the table.

He hesitated. She wasn’t going to like what he was about to tell them. Hell, he didn’t like it either, although it probably didn’t affect him as much as it would them.

“Well. We can talk about it after dinner. What is for dinner?” He didn’t feel the least bit hungry, but needed to refocus Krissa. She was going to have one big meltdown, he feared.

“Actually, I ordered Thai food. Hope that’s okay.”

“Mmm, Thai. Great. I’ll go wash up.”

He escaped to his room, stood in front of the mirror, ran his tongue along his teeth. He washed his face and hands. Stood there again. Then straightened his shoulders.

He hadn’t heard the doorbell, but when he arrived in the kitchen Derek was just carrying in bags of food that had been delivered emanating odors of ginger and coconut and lemongrass. His stomach heaved.

Krissa chatted as she set the food on the table and they helped themselves. She’d visited her mother, and from the sounds of it, that hadn’t gone well. Then she’d been busy doing research and starting work on the projects she’d be doing with her new client. Her voice vibrated with excitement as she talked about it and Nate was pleased for her.

Too bad he was about to burst her happy bubble.

When they’d all finished eating, they set their plates aside but stayed at the table.

“So, tell us,” Krissa urged, her water goblet in her hand. She leaned forward, eyes sparkling, the corners of her mouth tipped up appealingly. “What happened?”

Nate glanced at Derek, who lounged back in his chair.

“Well, I learned a lot.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t get excited, Kris,” Nate said quietly. He turned his own glass between his fingers. “This isn’t a fast process.”

Her face fell. “What do you mean?”

“I have to go through a screening process, the same as if I was an anonymous sperm donor.”

“Oh. But…”

“It’s the law,” he said, knowing what she was going to say. “First of all, with a directed donor, they strongly recommend that we get legal advice and also counseling.”

“Counseling?” Her eyes widened.

Nate nodded somberly. “Yeah. When you think of it, there are a whole lot of issues that could come up. Which is why they also recommend getting a lawyer.”

He watched Krissa’s face, the changes as thoughts and emotions ran through her.

“I have to have a complete physical and they have to take blood to test for every disease known to man, I think. They’ll need to take my medical history, and my family’s medical history, and then I have to give a sample for testing. I have to meet the same criteria as anonymous donors, like I said, although it sounds like if I don’t, they still might let us do it. Then they’ll also know how many samples I would need to give. It’s usually two or three, but could be more.” He sighed. Here it came. “The samples have to be frozen and quarantined for at least six months before they can use them.”

Krissa’s mouth rounded and her eyes widened. He glanced at Derek, who blinked and looked at Krissa. “Six months?”

He nodded. “Yup.” He licked his lips. “And at the end of six months, they have to test them again.”

“Oh dear God.” He saw sadness sweep over her. “Six months.” She slumped back in her seat and stared into space. Her bottom lip pushed out. “But I’m ovulating next week.” Her voice sounded softy and shaky.

“I know.” His heart squeezed at the disappointment she must be feeling. He knew she’d been ready and eager to go with this, and she hated to wait for anything, let alone something she’d wanted and waited for so long. He reached out and took her hand and clasped it. “I’m sorry. I’m still willing to do it…the donations have to be made over a two or three week period, because you have to abstain from uh…abstain for a few days in between. I expect I’ll be here that long, at least.”

She nodded. One tear formed in a crystal drop and slid down her smooth cheek.

“And that will cost about nine hundred bucks.”

“What!” This came from Derek. “Nine hundred bucks!”

Nate choked on a laugh. “Yeah. Don’t worry, I can afford it.”

“Oh, no.” Krissa brow creased with distress and her fingers gripped his. “You don’t have to pay that, Nate. We dragged you into this. We’re paying for it.” She shot a glance at Derek, who grimaced.

“Sure,” he said. “What’s another nine hundred bucks when we’ve already spent a fortune on this.”

“Then there’s the storage fee. For six months I think it’s another few hundred dollars.”

“Jesus.”

“Well, we knew artificial insemination was going to cost a lot,” Krissa said to Derek, shaking her head. “That doesn’t matter. We can afford it.”

Derek gave a jerky nod. “It seems like a lot of money for something that could be done in five minutes.”

“Huh?” Nate looked at Derek. “Five minutes?”

“Yeah. You know. Sex.”

Nate couldn’t help his laugh. “Five minutes, buddy? Poor Krissa.”

Derek’s mouth quirked. “You know what I mean, asshole. I just mean if you do things the natural way…” His smile faded and his brows drew together.

Nate looked at Krissa, who frowned at Derek. She wiped another tear from under her eye with a fingertip.

Derek sat up straight. “Why not? Why not just do it?”

“Do what?”

“Have sex. You and Krissa.”

Nate froze. His tongue expanded in his mouth and his vision blurred. He forced out a dry laugh. “Yeah, right.”

Krissa’s eyes flicked from Derek to Nate to Derek again. She blinked rapidly. Nate released her hand and pushed away from the table.

“I’m serious,” Derek said.

“Derek!”

“What?” Derek turned his gaze to his wife. “It sounds shocking, but think about it, Krissa. You could do it next week. And it would cost us nothing.”

Her eyes went so huge Nate could see the whites all around her irises. Her lower lip trembled. She looked back at Nate.

“It’s not the money,” she whispered.

He couldn’t believe this. Derek was telling him to have sex with his wife?

Not that he didn’t want to.

Oh, Jesus. Where did that come from? He could not lust after his friend’s wife. Could. Not.

He stood up, almost knocking the chair over behind him. “This is crazy.”

But, fuck, his dick had hardened at the thought. He turned away from them, shoved a hand through his hair.

“I’m not that repulsive,” Krissa said in a soft voice.

He spun around to stare at her. Could they both actually be serious?

She stood too, held out a hand to him. He didn’t take it. Wanted to, but didn’t. Her eyes met his and implored him. He shook his head.

“Derek. Think about what you’re saying.”

“He’s doing it for me,” Krissa said. She moved closer. “Aren’t you, Derek?”

“Yes.”

Nate turned his gaze to Derek. Their eyes met and held. Nate was sure Derek was remembering, like him, another time, another woman…they’d shared her, first separately then together. But this was his wife.

“We’ve done it before,” Derek murmured. Krissa’s head snapped around.

“What?”

“In college, there was a girl I was dating. Nate liked her too. She liked us both.” He shrugged. “So she dated us both.”

“Oh.” Krissa didn’t look upset. Just…curious. She sucked in her bottom lip. “Did you…you said something the other night. About…watching.”

Still holding Nate’s gaze, Derek nodded. “Yeah. We did.”

“Oh.”

Nate turned his head slowly from side to side. “This is different.”

“Why?” Krissa asked. “Because you don’t like me enough to sleep with me?”

Why the hell was she worried about what he thought about her? She should be wondering why her husband would let her sleep with another man, for God’s sake. Nate’s chest ached, and his stomach churned. He shouldn’t have eaten all that Thai food.

“That’s not it,” he finally rasped out. How could he tell her how much the idea of sleeping with her excited him? With her husband sitting right there. Christ. He rubbed his chest.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Would you think about it?”

He and Krissa faced each other, and his vision narrowed to just her. Beautiful. Sweet. Loving. She loved to please other people, do things for them—cook for them, feed them, help with their screaming children, put drops in their eyes—she deserved to have someone do something for her. She deserved to have what she wanted.

Did he have the strength to give it to her without it destroying him?

Lost and Found

Chapter Fifteen

Saturday night. Derek announced that he’d invited friends over for drinks and a dip in the hot tub. Nate had managed to keep himself out of Krissa and Derek’s way while he wrestled with the dilemma of what to do about Derek’s shocking suggestion. He had to get a car. He could drive with the sunglasses on, and being stuck there at their home all day was driving him crazy. His fingers itched to pick up a camera and start shooting. In fact, he longed to photograph Krissa, her expressive face eyes full of longing and sadness, hope and excitement.

“I don’t think you know Steve and Kim,” Derek said.

“No, I don’t.”

Krissa seemed unenthusiastic that they were coming over, but said nothing. She’d been very quiet any time Nate had seen her since they’d talked about the…uh…sperm donation.

Their friends arrived shortly after eight o’clock and they all went out onto the deck. Krissa served margaritas and set out bowls of chips with salsa and guacamole in pretty Mexican-style pottery dishes.

Derek and Steve launched into a business discussion. Steve was another salesman. His wife Kim sat in the last rays of the sun, her blonde hair gleaming, tanned skin smooth. She had big, jutting tits that Nate could tell were enhanced, and a body honed by frequent workouts. Pink gloss shone on her full lips. Attractive if slightly fake. She and Krissa didn’t have much to say to each other.

“I’m ready to get in that hot tub,” Steve announced.

“Yeah, me too.” Derek stood. He’d turned up the heat and removed the cover earlier. Nate hadn’t yet been in the hot tub. It would have been a good way to ease some of the tension he’d felt since he’d arrived there. Hell, he’d been tense before he arrived, but walking into Krissa and Derek’s life hadn’t exactly helped that. Now he had more problems than he’d started with.

Krissa and Kim rose and walked over to the hot tub. Krissa trailed a hand through the water. “That’s nice,” she said. Derek pulled his golf shirt off over his head and started undoing his fly.

Taken aback, Nate had expected everyone to go change into swimsuits. He watched as Derek shucked shorts and underwear and stepped naked into the bubbling water. Steve followed.

Nate stood up. “Coming in, buddy?” Derek called to him.

“Uh. Yeah.” His attention was distracted by the sight of Kim’s tanned body being revealed as she removed her clothing. She had startling tan lines. Apparently she wore a very tiny bikini when she tanned. Her melon-like breasts had small strips of white over the centers of them. Large round nipples must almost have been revealed by the bathing suit. Tiny white strips at each hip and a white triangle over her bare mound hinted at a minuscule bottom.

Nate swallowed. He didn’t find her all that attractive but still, seeing a naked woman that close up couldn’t help but affect him. He glanced at Krissa and heat swept over him as he realized she was watching him watch Kim.

Krissa’s fingers worked at the buttons of the sleeveless shirt she wore and Nate’s mouth went dry. Seeing a stranger strip was bad enough but watching Krissa disrobe… Jesus God.

She slipped the shirt off her shoulders, still watching him. Kim stepped into the tub and joined the men, the water bubbling around their shoulders. “This is nice,” she purred. “Steve, we have to get one of these.”

“We should,” he agreed. He sipped the margarita he’d set on the wooden bench near the tub.

Nate couldn’t have dragged his eyes away from Krissa if the big earthquake had struck at that moment, dropping them into the Pacific Ocean. She opened the button of the denim skirt she wore, tugged down the short zipper and then pushed it down over her hips. She bent and picked up the skirt, clad only in white panties and bra. Pink bows sat on each hip bone and between her breasts.

Her breasts were all natural, full and soft and round. She set the skirt on the chair where she’d been sitting and reached behind her for the clasp of her bra.

Pressure built in Nate, his body taut and trembling. When Krissa dropped the bra, exposing her breasts to the evening air, his breath stuck in his throat. Her nipples were high, small and puckered tightly, a pretty rose color that matched the bows of her panties. Sliding her thumbs under the strings at each hip, she shimmied out of the underwear and stood before him completely naked.

His vision swam and he realized he hadn’t been breathing. He choked on an inhalation. Krissa still looked at him. Jesus Christ. Nate’s eyes shifted to the hot tub where Derek sat and watched them.

“Come on, Nate,” Krissa invited softly.

She was perfect. Beautiful. Smooth and lithesome. He couldn’t get air into his lungs.

Were they doing this deliberately? Trying to get him so horny he’d agree to fuck Krissa?

Nate set his drink down on the small table beside his chair and yanked his T-shirt off. Krissa had lit candles as the sun had lowered, and he didn’t need the sunglasses any more, but tonight he wanted to keep them on. He needed a shield, needed the protection the lenses gave him.

He stepped out of his shorts, excruciatingly aware of Krissa’s eyes on him. She’d stepped nearer the tub, then climbed in, still watching him. He’d never been self conscious about his body. He was an athlete, years of his life devoted to swimming, cycling and running. He’d lived much of his life at the beach, wearing next to nothing, and he’d admit to skinny dipping in pools or the ocean a few times. But at that moment, he was aware of every muscle moving, felt stiff and jerky as he stepped toward the tub.

His glanced skidded over the others. Steve and Kim hadn’t even cast a look his way, seemed oblivious. They talked, sipped their drinks and laughed. Derek’s eyes moved from Krissa to Nate and back again.

He wanted to call Derek on it. He hadn’t changed a bit since college. They’d indulged in some pretty wild times, and while Derek had accused him of liking to watch, Nate knew it was more the other way around. Derek liked to watch—and there’d been many a night where Nate and Sue had put on a show for him.

Yeah, sometimes Nate liked to watch. But he liked to be watched, too. And Krissa’s intent gaze had his dick swelling to a massive erection.

He quickly submerged himself in the stinging water, sure nobody else was sporting a huge boner like he was. Krissa slid in, between him and Kim.

Krissa sighed and leaned her head back. “The stars are so pretty,” she murmured. Nate gulped, at a loss for words.

Steam swirled and rose around them, blurring Derek’s face across the tub like a soft focus lens. The pungent scent of chlorine tickled Nate’s nose, and the heated water bubbled and churned against his skin.

“Isn’t this nice?” Krissa asked him

“It’s great,” he choked. He wished he hadn’t left his drink out of reach. He needed it. His glasses steamed up but he didn’t care, didn’t want to see anything.

That was a lie. He had to force himself not to turn and look at Krissa, sitting there naked right beside him, within touching distance. If he moved his leg, he could touch her.

He closed his eyes against the desire that swamped him. And then he noticed Kim and Steve moving closer. Steve bent his head and Kim turned her face up and they kissed. Not just a peck. A long, open-mouthed kiss.

Nate looked at Derek. He watched the couple kiss with avid eyes. Nate risked a glance at Krissa, wondering if she watched, too.

She was watching him.

Their eyes met, and he didn’t think she could really see his behind the dark glasses but he shivered inside anyway. They communicated wordlessly and he sensed her question, her doubt, her desire.

How they hell was he supposed to say no to her?

He sank lower into the eddying water, letting a jet pound into the muscles of his back. Fuck. He was in big trouble. Especially when Krissa’s hand found his thigh under the water.

Startled he looked down. He couldn’t even see their bodies under the white foam, so he didn’t expect the others could either. But still…Derek sat right there, and she had her hand on his thigh, dangerously close to being able to feel exactly how aroused he was.

Kim and Steve continued to make out, tongues licking each other, mouths sliding, opening. Kim reached an arm up to her husband’s shoulder, exposing her breasts. Water swirled around them.

Dispassionately, Nate realized he didn’t like Kim’s breasts. Too big, too fake, the nipples looked stretched and distorted. They almost repulsed him.

He had to look. He had to see Krissa’s perfect tits again. He let his eyes search them out in the roiling foam and, as if sensing his regard, she lifted up slightly so he could see them, her fingers digging into his quadriceps. Jesus.

He was dissolving, the heat and motion of the water melting hm. He felt as if his body was spinning away from him in the twirling currents, lost, helpless.

“You’re doing this on purpose,” he choked out.

Krissa didn’t smile. Just looked at him. “Yes.”

“Derek.” The one world held a million questions.

Her big eyes responded wordlessly. He closed his.

He was going to sleep with his friend’s wife.

Lost and Found

Chapter Sixteen

“When are we going to do this?”

Krissa smiled as she folded the towels she’d taken out of the dryer. The towels they’d all used last night after emerging from the hot tub, warm and wet and…hot.

She turned to Nate. His shaggy curls were rumpled, glasses shielding his eyes, as usual, from close scrutiny. He thrust his hands into the pockets of baggy cargo shorts, big shoulders hunched.

“Do what?” she asked.

He growled.

“I’m teasing.” She set down the folded towel on the stack, and laid her hand there. “I’m using an ovulation kit to tell me when.”

“Oh.” Discomfort flitted across his face. It was almost fun to tease him with all these personal details. She’d gotten so used to revealing every intimate particular of her menstrual cycles to Derek and about a hundred health care professionals, it no longer bothered her.

“I’m going to test this morning, and tonight. If it’s positive I’ll be ovulating in twenty-four hours. My periods have always been kind of wacky so I start testing a few days before I expect to be ovulating.”

“So if it’s positive today we don’t have sex until…when? Tuesday?”

“Monday night. And Tuesday. And maybe Wednesday.”

“Jesus.”

She laughed, moved closer to him. “You can handle it, big boy.”

She slid her hands up his chest to his shoulders. His body tightened beneath her palms. She wished she knew if it was a good tightening or a bad tightening. She wanted those glasses gone so she could see what he was thinking.

“Krissa…” He put his hands on her waist and set her away from him. She sighed. Okay, it was a bad tightening.

“Nate, if you don’t want to do this, please say so now.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to do it.”

“We have to talk about this. Derek’s downstairs working out. It’s just you and me, so be honest. Things are going to get very weird if we’re not honest with each other.”

“Have you done this before?”

She blinked. “Done what? Slept with another man?”

“Yes.”

“No.” She frowned. “Of course not.”

“There’s no ‘of course’ about it. You invited friends over last night and practically had an orgy in your hot tub. Why wouldn’t I think that maybe you guys have all…”

“I haven’t had sex with another man,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands. “But I have with another woman.”

She heard his sharp intake of air.

“With Kim?”

Krissa nodded. “Does that disgust you?”

“Christ, no! But…”

“I’m not a lesbian,” she said through a faint smile. “Or bisexual. Derek’s your friend. You figure it out.”

“He wanted you to do it.” She watched his face, below the glasses, the square shape of his jaw, the way the firm curve of his lips moved as he talked, his smooth skin.

“Yes.”

“He wanted to watch.”

“Yes.”

“He’s going to watch us, isn’t he?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t said that. Would that make a difference to you?”

“I…don’t know.”

“He said you guys have done it before.”

Derek nodded, pressed his lips closed. “A long time ago. Christ, a lifetime ago. We were horny college students.”

Krissa wondered if Derek watching would ease Nate’s conscience about sleeping with her, or make him feel even worse. “Tell me,” she said. “You have to tell me how you feel about this.”

He shrugged. “There’s nothing to say. It’s no big deal. It’s just a sperm donation. Right?”

Krissa stared at him. “Right.” She blinked. Is that really how he felt? “I certainly wouldn’t want you to do something that’s clearly repulsive to you.” She started to walk by him, not wanting to stick around and say something she might regret.

He grabbed her wrist, his fingers hard. She looked up at him. His mouth was a grim line of annoyance, his jaw tight. “Krissa. Don’t walk away from me.”

Her mouth dropped open. “What?”

“Don’t walk away.” He tugged her hand and she tried to yank it out of his grasp but he held tight.

“Let go of me.”

“No. Krissa. Don’t give in that easy. You’re pissed off at me. Stay and fight.”

“Whaaat!” Nobody in her life had ever said that to her. She’d walked away from many conflicts, always thought it was the best thing to do. She hated arguing, hated the sick feeling she got from the tension.

“You heard me. Say what you want to say.” His voice rasped.

“I’m not going to beg you to sleep with me. If it’s that difficult for you, I’m not going to force you.”

“Oh, God.” He rubbed his mouth. “Krissa. The problem is, it’s not difficult.” He paused and looked at her.

She met his eyes, through the dark glasses. “Oh.” Did he mean…?

He tugged again on her hand, and his arms snared her, strong and hard, held her up against his body. She gasped and flattened her palms on his hard chest. His heart thudded beneath her hand, strong and sure. She was so close to him she could see the morning stubble he hadn’t yet bothered to shave, felt his breath against her forehead, saw her own reflection in his dark lenses, her mouth an astonished O, eyes wide.

Her hands slid to his shoulders. His chest pressed against her breasts and her nipples hardened. His mouth brushed hers. Not a kiss. He spoke, so close to her their breath mingled. “I want you, Krissa. I don’t want to want you, but I do.” He shifted his hips and his erection rubbed against her stomach. Everything inside her went hot and liquid. She whimpered. “It won’t be a hardship to fuck you, Krissa.” His crude words made her tummy flip. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“What are you worried about?”

“That’s the part I haven’t figured out yet,” he muttered. He brushed his mouth over hers again and stepped back, released her. She stood there, chest heaving, heart racing. She swallowed.

“Right now,” she whispered. “I want it right now.” More than anything. The intensity of her desire for Nate rushed over her and shocked her.

He stared back at her, breathing fast. “See. That’s the problem. We’re not supposed to want this. We’re supposed to be making a baby. Procreating. Artificial insemination without the artificial part.”

She choked on a laugh.

“This is supposed to be clinical and calculated. For one reason only—to get you pregnant.”

She pressed a hand to her quivering belly.

“It’s not supposed to fun. Or enjoyable. Or…hot.”

He put a hand on her cheek, cupped her face. She stared up at him.

“So, just tell me when and I’ll be there to do my duty.” He gave her his back and walked out. She stood there, a trembling mass of ragged nerves and aching yearning. She touched her lips as Nate walked away.

She sank onto a chair, sat there for a long time, eyes closed. What was she doing? She’d been acting strange ever since Derek proposed this crazy idea. She wanted it. She wanted Nate. She wanted the baby he could give her. But at what cost?

She stood up on shaky legs and went downstairs. Derek was running on the treadmill. Sweat glistened on his face.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked him.

He didn’t need to ask what she meant. “Why? Aren’t you?”

She hesitated. She had a hundred questions chasing each other through her mind but was almost afraid to ask them. Maybe she was afraid of the answers.

“You know I’ll do it if you want,” she said carefully. Of course he knew that. Their whole life was like that.

“But…?”

She shook her head. “I just want to make sure you’re okay with it. Because…you’re the one who…Derek, I’ll be having sex with another man.”

“I know, Krissa.” Derek’s feet pounded on the rubber mat of the treadmill in a solid rhythm. He swiped a hand across his forehead. Krissa sucked on her bottom lip, watched him run.

“Okay.”

She could have asked more questions, told Derek all her fears, but he clearly didn’t want to hear them. Fine.

That evening when she tested her urine, it showed a surge in her luteinizing hormone. She would ovulate in the next twenty-four to thirty-six hours.

Without thinking about it, she went first to find Nate. He sat in his dimly lit bedroom reading a book.

“Isn’t it hard to read in the dark?” she asked, leaning on the door frame of his room. He’d spread his things out around it, making it look completely different than the bare extra bedroom it had been before he’d arrived. She could even smell the difference—Nate’s musky after shave and his own unique scent. They’d bought the house with five bedrooms, anticipating the family they would eventually have.

“Yeah.” He closed the book. “But I’m bored out of my fucking mind and the only way I can read is if the light isn’t too bright.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?”

She sighed, stepped further into the room. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

He rubbed his eyes. Without his dark glasses he looked different. She’d gotten so used to seeing him with them on all the time. Without them, he looked…vulnerable. Her heart squeezed. She desperately wished there was something she could do to make it better for him. Instead, all she was doing was complicating his life.

“It’s not your fault,” he said.

“I know. I just feel bad.” Silence expanded between them. “I…uh…came to tell you that I’ll be ovulating in twenty-four hours.”

“Ah. Okay.”

“So, tomorrow night.”

“Yeah.” He shook his head. “It makes it weird, doesn’t it? When you have to plan it down to the minute?”

She nodded slowly. “Oh, yeah. You have no idea. We’ve been doing this for years.”

“Christ.”

She lifted her shoulders.

“Uh…where…?”

She inhaled slowly. “I don’t know.”

He tipped his head. “I think we need to have Derek in on this. Did you tell him?”

She blew out the breath she’d just taken in. “No.” Her first though had been Nate.

“Let’s go find him.” Nate tossed the book aside and swung his long legs to the floor. He wore a pair of plaid knee length shorts and nothing else. His abs rippled as he rose up, and her eyes moved from there to his broad, smooth chest, the flat brown discs of his nipples, the dark hair between.

“Okay. I think he’s out in the hot tub.”

“Great.”

She led the way through the house out onto the deck, the sky a deep midnight blue just after sunset, the mountains silhouetted blackly against it, the ocean the same hue as the sky. The lights of the oil rigs winked in the distance.

“Hey, buddy,” Nate said. Derek opened his eyes.

“Hey. Coming in?”

Nate glanced at Krissa. “Sure, why not?” His hands went to the button below his navel and her mouth went dry. Why would he bother with a swimsuit? After the other night, he was fully aware that they never bothered, and it was certain Derek was in there completely naked.

Nate’s back was to her as he slid the shorts down over his hips and thighs and stepped out of them. He wore no underwear. His broad back curved sleekly into two deep indentations just above his ass, which was tight and pale compared to the deep tan on the rest of his body. His long muscular legs carried him closer to the hot tub and he sat on the edge and swung them over and into the water.

He glanced over his shoulder and Krissa’s cheeks grew warm as he caught her staring at him. “Coming in, Krissa?”

She couldn’t do it. For the last two days, all she’d been thinking about was sex. She vibrated with it, ached for it, and getting in the hot tub with two gorgeous naked men would kill her. “No,” she choked. “Not tonight.”

Nate’s glance lingered on her, then he turned and slid into the churning water. She could just hear his sigh of pleasure above the motor of the spa, and it twisted something low inside her.

Krissa pulled up one of the cushioned wicker chairs closer to the tub. “We need to talk to you, Derek,” she said. Derek’s head jerked around.

“We?”

“Um.” Had that sounded bad? Like she and Nate had been plotting behind his back? “I did the ovulation test. It shows an LH surge.”

“Okay. That’s good.”

“Tomorrow night we need to…it’s a good time…”

“Yeah. Okay.” Derek stretched his arms out on either side of him along the rim of the tub. Krissa glanced at Nate.

“How do you want to do this, Derek?” Nate spoke up. “You need to be involved in this.”

She flashed Nate a grateful look. Derek nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“You should be there, with us,” Nate said quietly. Krissa’s tummy clenched. Could she do this?

If it would give her a baby, she’d do almost anything.

“Yeah,” Derek said again and she tried to reach his expression. He looked…excited.

Relief softened her body. If Derek was going to be tense about this, it would make it really difficult. Given his mild kink, it seemed he might actually be turned on by the whole thing.

Derek looked at her. “Okay, Krissa?”

She nodded, her fingers playing with the hem of her shorts. “Okay.”

Lost and Found

Chapter Seventeen

Planning sex was weird, but necessary, although the lack of spontaneity did nothing to diminish Nate’s arousal. Christ, he’d been half hard for days.

All day, he and Krissa tiptoed around each other in the big house.

Every time they saw each other and their eyes met, heat flared and they both looked away. Krissa spent most of the day in her office, working at something on her computer, he didn’t know what, but around noon they’d met up in the kitchen, both hungry. She’d made sandwiches while he opened a bag of potato chips and fished pickles out of a jar. As they ate, the silence amplified and the heat intensified. He was excruciatingly aware of Krissa’s shiny dark hair, her soft skin, as usual much of it bared by the shorts and skimpy tank top she wore. His eyes lingered on her smooth thighs, her little bare toes with pink toenails. Would she wrap those legs around him? His dick twitched.

He eyed her hands, holding a glass of iced tea, small fingers with short, unpolished nails. Would she run those hands over his body? His gut quivered.

Would he get to kiss her?

He closed his mind to those kinds of thoughts. This wasn’t going to be like that. This would be sex like every other sexual encounter he’d had since Lauren had died. The only women he’d been with since then were women who lived in far-away places that he’d never see again. That was how he liked it. He didn’t want any emotional entanglement.

He and Krissa were attracted to each other. There was no denying the chemistry fizzing between them, pretty much since he’d arrived back in California.

They wanted his sperm and he could do that. Hell, sleeping with Krissa was no hardship, he’d admitted that, but it would be nothing more than a sperm donation. It was all he could handle emotionally. It was all he deserved.

He looked up and caught her staring at him, and her eyes quickly shifted away.

“Krissa.”

“Yes?”

He didn’t know what to say, just wanted to connect with her. “We’re friends, right?”

She nodded, wide eyed.

“I don’t want this to change that.”

Raw emotion softened her face. Her bottom lip quivered adorably. “It won’t.”

But they both knew it would. They both knew nothing was ever going to be the same. Sexual energy shimmered between them, a longing, an aching need, a searing fear.

“Fuck, we should just do it right now and get it over with,” he muttered.

“We have to wait for Derek.”

“I know.”

“And what do you mean by get it over with? Is it going to be that bad?”

He started to vehemently protest but then he saw the glint in her green eyes and closed his mouth. He looked at her. “That’s not what I meant at all,” he finally said mildly. “I meant I’m so goddamn hard just thinking about it, if I’m not inside you soon I’m going to come in my shorts.”

Her eyes widened and he heard the soft intake of breath. He’d spoken crudely and he recognized it as the feeble attempt it was to hide the fact that more than just lust was making him hard. What it was, exactly, he preferred not to analyze just then.

“I think I’d better get back to my office,” Krissa said, her voice thick. She stood and picked up her plate and empty glass and took them over to the dishwasher.

“I’ll clean up,” Nate said. “I’ve got nothing else to do. You go back to work.”

She disappeared without another word and he suspected her rush to get away from him was the same reason he wanted to get it over with—if she didn’t, they’d end up screwing on the kitchen floor.

He considered going to his room and jacking off, but from what little he knew, he needed to keep his sperm count high and that was not the way to do it.

He groaned out loud and put a hand to his aching cock. By tonight he’d be so out of his mind, this whole thing was going to last about two seconds.

“What’s with the candles?” Derek asked, tugging his shirt out of the waistband of his pants. She’d lit candles all around the bedroom, scenting the air with ginger and peach. She hoped the glow of them was soft enough not to hurt Nate’s eyes. She didn’t want him to do this with glasses on.

“I-I want it to be nice,” she told him. He paused. He gave her a look and it tugged at her heart. “Derek.” She crossed over to him and put her hands on his chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too, babe.” He slid his arms around her and they stood for a moment, hugging. She squeezed him tightly, pressed her face to his chest.

“Are you sure about this?” she whispered.

He moved his head in a nod. “Yeah. I’m sure. There’s no one else in the world I’d do this with. Just Nate.”

“Me too.”

She drew back and he bent his head and kissed her mouth. She was so primed and sexually on edge that his kiss melted her inside. Then he stepped away and disappeared into the bathroom.

Krissa climbed onto the bed. They’d all agreed their king-size bed was the best place to do this. She sat in the middle of it, legs to one side, hands clasped in her lap. She wore a white silk chemise. It was sexy but not slutty. She had no idea why it even mattered, but she’d deliberated for a good half hour over what to wear. Foolish girl.

She looked down at herself. Her nipples poked against the thin silk, the low V revealing the curves of her breasts. She put one hand over a breast and cupped its softness though the silk. She closed her eyes.

And waited.

Then Nate appeared in the door, still fully clothed.

“Hi.” He stopped, looked at her. She met his gaze, didn’t move.

“Hi. Come in.”

He walked into the room, looked around. “Whoa. Candles.”

“Is it okay? I didn’t want too much light to hurt your eyes.”

“Oh.” He slid the glasses off, waited. “Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Good.”

Derek emerged from the bathroom wearing only his boxer shorts. One corner of his mouth quirked up as his and Nate’s eyes met. They shared a smile and Krissa’s heart swelled. It was okay. It would be okay.

She studied the two men as Nate began to remove his clothing. Nate was an inch or so taller than Derek, but both men were gorgeous in their own way—Derek’s blond hair cut short and businesslike, his tan a paler gold than Nate’s darker skin. Nate’s longish hair looked thick and soft. They were both lean and muscled, perfect male bodies, wide shoulders and hips narrowing to slim waist and hips.

Nate kept his underwear on, like Derek, soft black cotton boxer briefs that hugged his erection. There was no hiding it in those shorts.

Krissa’s breathing quickened. She wanted them both. She cared about them both. Tonight she and Nate would have sex, but she’d make sure Derek knew how important he was in all this.

Derek went around to the side of the bed where he always slept and Nate sat down on the other side.

“Okay,” Nate said. “Let’s do it. Lay down, Krissa.”

Taken aback, she did as he asked, tugging down the duvet and sliding under it. The sheets were cool on her heated skin. She laid her head on the pillow and looked at him.

He pulled the corner of the duvet aside and climbed into the bed with her. His body heat enveloped her, his weight dipped the bed and she shifted toward him. She felt him fumbling under the covers. He was pushing off his underwear.

Her stomach clenched painfully, to the point of nausea. Her throat tightened. He shifted his feet under the duvet, presumable pushing the underwear the rest of the way off. His fingers gripped her hip.

She swallowed painfully, wanted to touch him, but fear paralyzed her. This wasn’t what she’d imagined.

He pushed her flat on her back, moved over her. He kneed her legs apart and grasped his cock. He was going to push into her in two seconds.

Tears stung her eyes and she squeezed them closed. She felt the prod of his penis at her entrance, a pinching, a nudge of his knee on her thigh. A sob tore from her throat. She put her hands on his chest, pushed at him. He stopped, looked down at her.

“Stop.” She choked on a sob. “Stop.” She shoved him again, rolled from under him and scrambled out of the bed. She stood there on trembling legs, still wearing the silk gown, a hand covering her mouth. She tried to find control over her shaking throat so she could speak, but then the tears poured and sobbing, she turned and fled into the bathroom.

Lost and Found

Chapter Eighteen

Nate watched Krissa burst into tears and run away. He flopped face down onto the bed, the pillow almost suffocating him. The bedroom was silent other than the muffled sounds of Krissa weeping in the bathroom. Jesus Christ.

Slowly, he rolled to his side and looked at Derek, who sat there with his hand over his eyes.

“That didn’t go very well,” Nate said.

“No shit.” Derek rubbed his face, met Nate’s eyes.

“Maybe this isn’t going to work.”

“Fuck.” They both fell silent, thinking. Nate stared up at the ceiling. What the hell had just happened? Was she having second thoughts about doing this? She’d seemed pretty confident earlier. In fact, she’d seemed…eager. Hot…for him.

Nate gazed at the flickering candles. So sexy and romantic. And Jesus…so the opposite of what he’d just done. He closed his eyes against the assault of guilt, of remorse.

Yeah, sex had been mechanical for him for the last two years. And this was basically a business transaction. But Krissa…dressed in that pretty silk thing, her hair brushed, candles burning…that hadn’t been business for her.

Shit. Even as Nate cursed his stupidity, his gut cramped at the thought of actually making love to Krissa—with real emotion. That was what scared him—even more than sex with his best friend’s wife. He shut that train of thought down, did not want to go there, hadn’t gone there for years.

He covered his face with his hand. “I think…” He stopped, cleared his throat. “I think we may need to try a different approach.”

“Yeah.”

Nate sat up, pulled his knees up. He was naked in bed with his best buddy. Life was so fucking weird. “I’m gonna have to…take it slower. Maybes it would help if…if you got involved, too. Between us, we should be able to make her feel more…” Words escaped him.

He looked sideways at Derek, trying to gauge his response. Derek nodded. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

The bathroom door opened, spilling light into the room which Krissa quickly extinguished with a flick of her fingers. Candlelight shimmered on the satiny gown and her glossy hair.

Nate threw back the covers and stood. He was naked, but who cared. He walked to Krissa and without saying a word, took her in his arms.

“I’m sorry, bunny,” he murmured against her hair. He held her slender body against him, tried to show her with the hug that he cared. He couldn’t say the words but he could show her. His erection surged again, against the thin silk over her warm body. She had to feel it.

He stroked her silky hair, and held her, her arms folded between them. He rocked her gently, soothingly. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “Come on. Come back to bed.”

He released her and took her hand, led her back to the bed, her barefoot steps hesitant. He climbed onto the bed first, sat with his back against the pillows and headboard and covered his lower half with the duvet. He held out a hand to her. She extended her arm and put her small hand in his. They looked at each other. Their eyes met, and heat wrapped around him, seeped into him, warmed him. Her liquid green eyes shone in the candlelight. He dropped his gaze to her shoulders, the smooth curve of them, the jut of her collarbones, the ribs faintly visible beneath satiny skin, the shadowy hollow between her breasts revealed by the V of the gown. Gently, he pulled her toward him. She ended up in his lap, and he tipped her chin up with his knuckles.

“You’re beautiful, Krissa,” he murmured.

“Thank you.”

They sat there, silence filling the room, flickering candlelight casting a golden glow over them. Nate stared down into Krissa’s eyes, trying to assure her that it was okay. He stroked a last tear from under her eye with his thumb. He looked at her mouth, vulnerable and soft. Bent his head lower, his mouth nearing hers. She held his gaze, and her pretty lips parted. He was so close he could feel her warm breath sighing in and out. His eyelids felt heavy and he let them droop closed as he closed the distance and touched his mouth to hers.

It was the softest, gentlest kiss, a brush of his mouth on hers, then again. Then he deepened the pressure, opened his mouth against hers and he tilted his head for a better angle. Their tongues touched, tentative, questioning, warm and wet, and they kissed again, and again, long, delicious kisses, lush licks, clinging lips. Small whimpers came from Krissa’s throat.

“Oh, Krissa.” Nate lifted his mouth from hers to mutter her name, slid his hands into her hair and held her head. “Kiss me, Krissa.”

And she did. Over and over, shifting closer. Her hands slid up his chest and held onto his shoulders; her fingertips stroked his neck. His hands explored her body, over the silk, caressed her waist and hips and thighs.

Oh fuck. Fuck me. Nate was lost. Her mouth destroyed him, soft and warm and eager, kissing him back like she was starving for him. Her desire for him ignited something inside him, a spark turning into a blazing fire, heating him from the inside out, making him gasp.

“Beautiful, Krissa,” he murmured against the sensitive skin of her throat. He covered the pulse fluttering in her throat in an open-mouthed kiss, absorbing the beat of her heart. “Isn’t she, Derek?”

“Yeah.” Derek’s voice was low and rough. “Beautiful.”

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Nate said, his throat aching. “I didn’t understand…Now, we’re both going to make love to you.” Nate stroked her bare thigh. “We’re going to make it good for you. Right, Derek?”

“Right.”

Derek moved behind her and put his hands on her shoulders while Nate kissed her mouth. Then Derek kissed the side of her neck.

It was sensation overload, a man in front of her, a man behind her, both kissing her. Heat surrounded her. She lifted one hand from Nate’s hard chest and reached for Derek’s head, digging her fingers into his short hair. She tipped her head, giving him access to the tender flesh of her neck, while Nate devoured her mouth. She moaned.

The pain in her heart subsided at the affection she felt surrounding her. This was more like Nate…gentle and considerate. She wasn’t sure what had happened earlier, but it had been so…sleazy. She couldn’t bear it.

The hurt was quickly fading, replaced by arousal, by shimmering pleasure sliding over her skin. Her breasts felt heavy and achy, her nipples burning. She became lost in the sensuality of four hands on her body, two mouths kissing her everywhere.

Nate’s mouth devoured her in hungry, passionate kisses, his tongue licking inside her mouth in long, lush strokes. She met him with her own, stroked her tongue along his bottom lip. Needy little sounds worked their way out from deep inside her.

Derek’s hands drifted down her upper arms and cupped her breasts through the silk and she swelled into his palms. “Love your tits, honey,” he whispered.

Nate’s hands settled on her hips and he lifted his mouth from hers to suck in air. They gazed at each other. The sharp insistent ache between her legs told Krissa she was wet there. She felt shaken by the intensity of Nate’s kisses, by the wild emotion he’d aroused within her.

Derek’s mouth continued to caress her neck and shoulders with soft kisses, licks and little sucks of her flesh, his hands on her breasts. Then Derek pushed the chemise down lower.

Both men had seen her breasts before. That night in the hot tub she’d taken great pleasure in teasing Nate with them, knowing how Derek liked to watch that. But this felt different, both of them touching her.

Nate gazed at her breasts, at Derek’s hands covering them. Derek cupped the sides, pushed them together, creating deep cleavage. “She has gorgeous breasts,” Derek murmured. “Suck them.” A low rough sound came from Krissa’s throat and she watched Nate’s face as he studied her curves, the awe and desire, watched as his face came closer and kissed one tight nipple.

Krissa’s entire body twitched hard at that touch on her sensitive nipple and when Nate kissed it again, licked it slowly, then took it in his mouth, she cried out. Derek held both her breasts as if in offering, and the firm pressure of his hands assuaged the ache. Nate sucked hard on one nipple, then the other, swirling his tongue around and dragging the edge of his teeth over the tight bud. Hot streamers of sensation shimmered a path from nipples to womb. Her body ached and flowed with need. Pleasure sparkled through her nerve endings, arousing her to a fever of delight.

They played with her breasts for a long time, with murmured compliments and moans of pleasure, until she was writhing and out of her mind with lust. She leaned back against Derek’s chest, weak and shaky. Then Nate tugged the chemise down further from where it crumpled around her waist. She stretched her legs out and lifted her hips off the bed, pushing against Derek, and the scrap of silk disappeared.

She had taken the trouble to prepare for the evening, waxing and shaving. Nate stroked her smooth legs, drew in a breath as he studied the neat triangle of dark hair above her slit. He stroked a finger down the crease where thigh met hip, satiny bare.

Derek wrapped his arms around her, across her tummy and she turned her head against his shoulder to look up at him. He kissed her, slow and warm. “Damn, you’re hot, baby,” he whispered against her mouth.

They were doing it. All three of them. It felt right. It felt special and loving.

Nate pressed a kiss to the puff of curls between her legs, and she felt him inhale. God, that was sexy. Her thighs parted involuntarily, just a bit, enough for him to slip a hand between. He stayed like that, kissing around her groin, her thighs, his hand clasped between them.

Derek played with her nipples again, tweaking them with his fingers, pulling at them until they felt hot and glowing. She looked down at herself, breasts full and swollen, nipples cherry red. She groaned.

Then Nate pushed her thighs further apart, and he scooted down on the bed. Languorously, she spread her legs for him. He murmured appreciatively, kept kissing and licking her thighs, moving closer and closer to her centre.

“You smell delicious, Krissa.” Her clit pulsed and her vagina ached.

“Lick her,” Derek rasped near her ear.

“Mmm.” Nate parted her with his thumbs and her hips lifted off the bed.

“Oh, God,” she muttered. She leaned her head back on Derek’s shoulder, let him cup her breasts while Nate licked his way through her folds. His tongue pointed and dug into her opening, a teasing taste of what she needed, only she needed more, more…more. He kissed her folds, little suckling kisses, gentle and delicious.

“Sweet, Krissa. You taste sweet, like honey and peaches.”

She arched with pleasure. God, this man knew how to give oral sex! She felt disloyal to Derek thinking it, but Derek’s technique was aggressive, with fast, hard tongue movements. Nate was slow and luxurious, tender kisses and gentle sucking. He pulled her swollen flesh into his mouth, gently released it, then moved to the other side and did the same. Sensation burned and twisted inside her. Then he moved his mouth up and suckled his way up to her throbbing clit. When he finally took it into his mouth, tugging and nibbling it at, his teeth holding it while he licked over it, she exploded against his mouth.

She cried out, body arching, spasming, Derek holding her down. She dug her heels into the mattress, pressed up into Nate’s mouth, felt herself flood with wetness, hot pleasure sliding from his mouth, radiating out to her fingertips and toes, sweeping up into her hairline.

“Jesus,” Nate muttered against her pussy, still giving her little licks and sucks, drawing out every last quiver of delight until she lay limp between them.

“Oh my God, oh my God,” she mumbled, unable to move even enough to raise her eyelids. Her chest heaved, heart raced.

They both gently stroked her body, Nate’s attention on her hips and legs, Derek’s hands sliding up and down her arms and shoulders.

“Now you’re ready,” Nate said, satisfaction evident in his voice.

“Ready for a nap,” she muttered. She rolled away from both of them face down on the bed, still trying to catch her breath. But they weren’t about to leave her alone. Hands stroked her back, over her ass, the back of her thighs, where she was excruciatingly sensitive. Skin tingled, body shivered. She tucked a fist against her mouth, eyes squeezed shut.

Their touch eased her, comforted her, then aroused her again. She felt the aching renewed between her legs, rolled her hips against the bed. “That’s it,” Nate whispered, and it must have been his hands that slipped between her thighs again, parted her legs. He tested her wetness, fingers sliding slickly through her pussy. “God, Krissa.”

She was ready. She ached for it, needed to be filled, and when hands rolled her over to her back, she let them. The two men knelt beside her, one on either side. Their swollen cocks jutted out over her tummy. She loved them both.

She reached for them, one in each hand, gave a gentle tug and brought forth moans from both men. She wanted to taste and feel them in her mouth, to suck on them and bring them that pleasure. But she needed a hard cock inside her, now. Maybe later they could play some more…

Derek withdrew, perhaps sensing the time had come when Nate and Krissa had to do this alone. He kissed Krissa’s mouth before settling back on the pillows to watch, fist on his hard penis.

Krissa gazed up at Nate. He met her eyes and they shared a long look. Words of love came to her lips, but she held them back.

She couldn’t love Nate. She loved her husband. This wasn’t about love.

Lost and Found

Chapter Nineteen

Except…it was all about love.

Krissa knew herself well enough to understand that sex could never be just about sex for her. Earlier, it had felt wrong. There’d been no kissing, no pretty words, no murmurs of pleasure. It had been cold and mechanical. Even more mechanical than it had been with Derek lately. And she couldn’t do it. Now…she couldn’t not do it, they’d excited her to such a fevered peak, the need inside her a spike of hot hunger.

She wanted to touch Nate, wanted to give him pleasure too, so she reached for him, curled her fingers around his cock. God, he was big, thick and long with a beautifully shaped head. He pulsed in her hand, soft over hard. He groaned at her touch.

Her mouth watered with the desire to suck on him. She would. But right now…she parted her legs wider, tugged him closer. He put his hand over hers to guide himself into her. He paused with the crown of his penis just touching her as if suddenly mindful of what they were about to do.

Krissa’d completely lost the fact that they were trying to make a baby and when it seeped into her consciousness, Nate poised above her, emotion swept over her. Hope bubbled inside her. Desire swamped her. And fear clamped down on her—not fear of doing it, but fear that it wouldn’t work when she’d put such high hopes on this. Everything commingled inside her, desire winning out, and she knew she wanted this more than anything. Did she want a baby? Or did she want Nate? She closed her eyes briefly, then opened them, unwilling to answer that question. “Do it,” she whispered.

He gave a short nod, pushed inside her. The sensation was exquisite, and Krissa’s eyes fell closed, her neck arched. He filled her up, filled the empty, needy ache, touched something deep inside her. He lifted her legs, bent her knees and pushed them back, deepening his stroke, the pleasure an acute point of heat inside her.

She opened her eyes and blinked up at him, gratified by both the hunger and ecstasy on his face. She wanted to please him, too, wanted this to be good for him, for how good he’d made it for her after their rough start. She lifted her hips, took him deeper, squeezed around him and he let out another long moan.

He released her legs, and lowered his body over hers, kissing her tender nipples, kissing her chest between her breasts, and then her mouth, deep, reaching, open-mouthed kisses. He inhaled her breath, licked her mouth, nipped at her bottom lip. “Want this to be good for you, baby,” he whispered.

She kissed him back, wanted to absorb him, take in every bit of him. “It is good.” She wrapped her arms around his broad back, strong and hard, then curled her legs around him, too, let him drive into her.

“Want you to come again.” He slid a hand between their bodies and found her clit, still sensitive from her first orgasm. He stroked over it.

“Yes. Yes…ah.” Sensations combined, whipped through her like wildfire, his fingers outside her, his cock thrusting deep inside her. Pleasure twisted around and around inside her tighter, higher, until colors burst behind her eyelids and she arched hard against him. She cried out, dug her fingers into his shoulders, her heels into his back, holding him there as she felt him come, too, in hard, weighty pulses inside her.

“Fuck.” His muttered word in her ear made her tighten even more around him, and he pulsed on and on.

She stroked her hand down his back, slick with perspiration. His breath warmed her neck in hard exhalations.

Nate’s heavy heat crushed her into the bed, but she floated—drifted on a blissful high. That had been spectacular. She hugged him tighter, pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

He rolled to the side away from Derek onto his back and covered his face with one forearm. His chest still rose and fell rapidly. Krissa turned her head on the pillow to look at him, watch him. As consciousness seeped back into her, she turned her head the other way to look at Derek.

He lay there, still stroking his hard cock, eyes hot, mouth open. She reached a hand out and clasped his. His fingers tightened on hers. Their eyes met.

“I want you to suck me,” he said.

She nodded, squeezed his hand, rolled to her knees beside him. She took him in her hands, stroked him up, over the head, moisture there slicking the way, down, up. Her hair trailed over his thighs as she bent lower.

Derek reached a hand out, gathered her hair back, and she realized he’d done it so both he and Nate could watch her take him in her mouth. Her womb contracted, heat spreading from it through her body, and she licked then sucked Derek’s cock. Wetter. She needed it wetter. She lifted her mouth, let saliva drip onto his cock, swirled it around with her tongue. Both men drew in sharp breaths.

She took him deeper, as deep as she could, swallowing him, letting him nudge the back of her throat, sucked hard on every up stroke, circled her tongue around him.

Derek’s hands tightened in her hair. God, she loved that tingle in her scalp, that pleasure-pain. She bobbed her head up and down on his shaft, faster, bringing a groan from him. She slid her hand down between his hot thighs, cupped his balls, drawn up tight against his body. He moaned again, and she looked up over his body at his face, eyes closed, head back, mouth open in an ecstatic pose.

Her eyes swiveled as far as they could to glance at Nate, who watched with a heated gaze. Their eyes met briefly, and then she felt his hands on her, stroking her back, her waist her hips, her ass.

Her heart swelled at his touch, at the gentleness of it, at the fact that he hadn’t just spilled his sperm into her and been done. Then Derek’s body tightened, spasmed. “I’m coming, babe. God!” Hot liquid filled her mouth, his sharp taste flowing over her tongue and throat. She sucked every drop from him, then slowly slid her mouth off him, pausing for a last lick.

“Mmm, babe, thank you.” He tugged her hair so she lay down between the two men. Her mouth burned from being stretched so wide, so long, but it felt good. She closed her eyes, breathing fast, one hand on Derek’s chest, the other on Nate’s hard abdomen. Nate covered her hand with his.

Sleep wanted to take her away and she was slipping into it when she felt Nate move beside her to sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed.

She opened her eyes and rolled toward him, put her hand on his back. “Where’re you going?”

He turned, gave her a crooked smile as he stood. “Back to my room.”

She shook her head. She stretched her hand toward him. “No. Stay.” Their eyes met. “Please.”

He hesitated, glanced at Derek behind her, then gave a short nod, took her hand and slid back into bed with them.

Nate awoke in bed with Krissa. He turned his head on the pillow to regard her sleeping form, mouth soft, lashes feathery on her cheeks. Derek was gone and Nate lifted his wrist to glance at the watch he still wore. Almost eight.

Derek always left early, and had made no exception today even though he was leaving his wife in bed with another man.

Nate rubbed his chest. A tangle of emotions writhed inside him like snakes in a pit, making his stomach jump. Images of last night played through his mind, Krissa’s kisses, her beautiful face as he made her come. He recalled the tight warm feel of her around him, how sublime and perfect it had been.

Something had torn loose inside him and was unraveling. It scared him.

Krissa’s eyes fluttered open and caught him staring at her. She blinked. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

They lay there, close enough to touch, except the duvet had wrapped itself around Nate and created a barrier between their naked bodies.

Krissa reached a hand out and covered his on his chest. “Thank you.”

His heart constricted. He wished he’d gotten up and scrammed out of her bedroom before she’d awoken. “No need.”

“Yes, there is,” she said softly, fingers tightening on his. “Thank you for making that so good for me.”

Jesus. His eyes burned. And it wasn’t from bright light, because the room was almost dark, a faint pearly light making its way around the shades over the window.

“Yeah, that was pretty good,” he managed to say, then threw back the duvet and rolled out of bed. “Better go shower.”

He walked out without looking back at her, because he had a feeling if he did, he’d never leave that bed.

He lathered up in the shower, couldn’t resist dragging a sudsy hand over his cock. More action than he’d seen in quite some time, and yet he could go again. Thinking about Krissa’s sweet pussy made him hard again. He circled his fingers around his cock, slid them up, back down…then realized he couldn’t jerk off in the shower. He had to keep his sperm for Krissa, because they were going to be doing it again that night. It only took once, but she’d been adamant that two or three times during the period she was ovulating was better.

So he’d get some relief. He just had to wait. He put both hands against the shower wall and hung his head. Water poured down on him, ran off his head and shoulders in rivulets, into his face, stinging his eyes. He stayed like that for a long time, until he could force himself to turn off the water. He couldn’t hide in the shower all damn day.

As was becoming usual, he and Krissa ate breakfast together in the bright kitchen, sharing the paper. When she took it from him to read him the sports scores, he held on to it, not wanting to need her for anything, but she tugged and, unless he wanted the newspaper ripped in half, he had to let go.

She read him the scores, and he didn’t say thank you. Barely said two words. He felt her scowl at him. “Think I’ll go for a walk on the beach,” he said, standing and folding the paper. And like the jerk he was, he left his plate and mug on the table.

He strode out onto the deck. Fog. The damp air cooled his lungs as he inhaled deeply. The thick fog hid the ocean from view, but he could smell the salty, fishy tang, and he could hear the rhythmic whoosh of waves onto the shore.

He jogged down to the sand and then strolled along the beach, looking for his favorite rock to sit on, glad he’d worn jeans because of the chill in the air. The fog created a weird feeling, a feeling of being alone even though someone could be standing twenty feet away.

He sat down, drew his knees up and encircled them with his arms. The fog dampened sounds, the ocean only a hushed cadence. He couldn’t see the homes behind him, couldn’t see the ocean in front of him.

He was alone.

And hadn’t that pretty much been his goal for the last two years? Not to need anyone, not to get involved, because that just got messy and the feelings that simmered down deep inside him had to be kept there.

But today they were stirred up, roiling, threatening to boil over. Last night had pulled some sort of plug within him that he’d carefully kept closed up, releasing things he didn’t want loose.

His gut churned almost to the point of nausea. Looking down, he saw a seashell in the sand. He reached for it, brushed the sand off it. He held it in his hand and stared at it. It was perfect—peachy pink, still whole, the two halves joined in the middle. Empty. Lifeless.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty

Krissa wished she didn’t have a client meeting that day, but she had to drive to Ventura to meet with Phoenix Insurance at eleven. She prepared her materials, slid the file into her brief case, checked to make sure her cell phone was charged.

Then she sat at her desk, staring blindly at the computer monitor.

How could she have done that?

She’d made love to two men. Slept with them.

And she didn’t even feel ashamed. Or slutty. Her body ached with remembered pleasure. Once they’d gotten past the initial awkwardness Nate had been…amazing. How he’d gone from cold and distant, to warm and tender. How he’d made sure she’d had her pleasure first, even though that didn’t really matter. And then he’d made her come again. Three times in one night. That had never happened for her before.

She bit her lip. The passionate emotions she and Nate had evoked in each other last night made her suddenly painfully aware of how much that had been lacking between her and Derek for quite some time.

Her tummy clenched.

She didn’t want to think disloyal thoughts about her husband. It wasn’t his fault that sex had become so forced, so predictable, so—perfunctory. Following her reproductive cycle had resulted in that. It couldn’t really be helped. This was an unfortunate side effect of that.

Someday, things would be easy again with Derek. Once they accomplished this goal. Everything would be fine. In the meantime, she had two men to sleep with. It was win-win-win. Derek had been turned on by watching her and Nate, and she’d been turned on by…Nate. Well, even the blowjob she’d given Derek last night had been more enjoyable. More unexpected—less about procreation and more about pleasure. Pleasing him. And the fact that Nate had watched had only added to the excitement. She got warm and damp just thinking about it.

She glanced at her watch. She needed to leave. She hadn’t heard Nate return yet. He’d been out on the beach for a long time.

Why on earth was she worried about him? He was a grown man who’d traveled the world. He’d be fine.

She grabbed her car keys and let herself out the front door to go to her meeting.

Nate slept with them again that night. His lovemaking started with some perfunctory kissing and caressing and Krissa’s stomach tightened. What was going on with him? It felt so…detached. Then she grabbed hold of his face and held it while she kissed him, long, deep, open-mouthed, until he gasped and trembled and rolled her to her back. His touch became fevered and urgent, his kisses hot and consuming.

She made him stay again after, loving the warmth of both male bodies next to her. She slept between them, not allowing herself to think about the unconventional arrangement. The next night, when she asked Nate to make love to her again, to make sure they took full advantage of her fertile time, she didn’t have to ask him to stay—he just did.

The night after that, everything changed.

They could no longer claim their sex was about making a baby. Now it was pure, sexual enjoyment.

They didn’t even make it to the bedroom.

After dinner, sexual restlessness buzzed in the air, even while they did dishes, cleaned up in the kitchen. Krissa’s eyes shot sparks of heat every time she glanced Nate’s way, making his dick jump and his balls tighten. When Derek trailed a hand down her back and over her ass, she cast a sexy smile at him and Nate’s body had hardened even more.

When she brushed by him to get one last dish off the table, she’d paused and let her hand slide from his chest, down over his abdomen and brush over the bulge behind the fly of his jeans. His sharply indrawn breath made her smile.

“How about a dip in the hot tub?” Derek proposed. Krissa sent a heated glance at Nate, and he nodded.

Out on the deck, in the rich light of the setting sun, both men turned to Krissa. “Let us help you,” Derek said, and started on the buttons of her sleeveless cotton blouse while Nate stood behind her and reached around to undo the button and zip of her shorts. He slid them down over her hips and they dropped to the deck around her feet. He admired the sweet curve of her ass, covered only by three strings and tiny bow of her pink thong underwear.

“You have the prettiest underwear, Krissa,” Nate said.

Her thank you came out as a croak.

He took his time, sliding his palms down the side of a rounded hip, over her smooth thighs. He crouched, balanced on the balls of his feet as he gently lifted one small foot, then the other, to remove the panties. His hands wandered back up, over her ass, and he caressed her there while her blouse came off, then her pink lace bra.

His jeans were too tight, and every nerve ending jumped with tension and desire. Krissa’s soft sighs of pleasure as two men touched her drifted in the evening air. Nate pressed his mouth to one lush curve in a hot, open-mouthed kiss, then, unable to resist, he gently bit her. She gasped.

He kissed the spot, knowing it hadn’t really hurt her, although his mouth smiled against her firm flesh. His hands held her hips as he feathered kisses over her ass, then one long, lingering kiss in the small of her back where she was warm and womanly fragrant.

He stood up, felt her wobble as both he and Derek stepped away and he reached out a hand to steady her. She turned her head and smiled up at him, eyes unfocused and hazy. “Thank you.”

He smiled back down at her, put a hand on her face and cupped her jaw, while Derek divested himself of shorts and T-shirt. Then Derek helped Krissa step into the tub while Nate stripped his own clothes off.

Articles of clothing littered the deck, none of the three interested in picking up or being tidy. Nate stepped over the side of the spa and into the swirling heated water. A fine mist hovered above the bubbling surface and he sank down through it, letting the warmth surround his rigid body.

Krissa made little moaning sounds of pleasure, eyes closed, head leaned back. She shimmied her shoulders in the water. Desire knifed through Nate, straight to his heart.

Despite having spent the last three nights in Krissa and Derek’s bed, he was uncertain about what would happen tonight. The sexual tension humming in the air could not be ignored, and he knew Derek and Krissa felt it too. Would Derek share his wife again—when there was no need to?

Because Nate had a strange feeling that, having tasted Krissa’s sweetness, he couldn’t do without.

Her eyes opened and met his across the tub. She stretched out her legs and he felt her feet touch his, sliding over them in the warm water. She watched him as their toes played, as she stroked one foot up his calf, sending wicked spears of sensation up his legs right to his throbbing cock and balls.

“Come over here,” she invited in a throaty voice. She tipped her head to the side, and he moved in languorous slow motion through the water and slid onto the bench beside her, the opposite side of Derek. Krissa drew them both closer to her side, turned her head and kissed Derek. Nate watched, burning and throbbing inside as their mouths met and opened, clung, lifted, tongues grazing.

Then she turned to him. Their eyes met, then Nate’s lids lowered as he took her mouth with his, long, slow, and succulent. He drew deeply on her, wanted to absorb her into him. Her arm twined through his tightened and he floated closer to her, put a hand on her face. With his thumb he tugged on her lower lip, opening her wider for him, and she moaned.

Warm mist surrounded them as they kissed, as he held her face, then slid his fingers into her hair.

When they drew apart, Krissa turned wide, dazed eyes back to Derek, who kissed her again. Nate let his hand slide down her neck, to her shoulder, to her breast, cupping its fullness beneath the water. He played with both nipples, tugging, and rolling them, and Krissa’s small sounds of enjoyment caused pleasure and satisfaction to slide through him, hot and thick.

“God!” she gasped, pulling away from Derek. “I have to get out, I’m burning up.”

She raised herself out of the water, rivulets streaming over the curves and dips of her body, to sit on the side. Her breasts rose and fell with her rapid breaths. She blinked her dark and hazy green eyes.

Her long hair, wet at the bottom, dripped water onto her breasts. Her nipples puckered even tighter, so deliciously pretty and tempting. Nate glanced at Derek and they shared a wry smile. Nate was so hard he was going to explode.

“Do you want to go inside?” Derek asked. She shook her head.

“That’s okay. I’ll just sit here and cool off for a few minutes.”

“What if we don’t want you to cool off?”

Krissa smiled, hearing the teasing note in Derek’s voice. “You guys are insatiable.”

“Yup.” They looked at each other then each grabbed an ankle. Nate’s fingers circled her slender bones, and they tugged. With a surprised cry, Krissa fell into the water, splashing them both. They laughed, and tussled with her gently until they were all soaked and dripping.

“Enough!” she cried, pushing them away. Laughter gleamed in her eyes. “No fair, two against one. And you guys are way bigger and stronger than me.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong,” Nate said, loosening his grip but keeping his hands on her. “We’re helpless against you, baby.”

Derek murmured his agreement and they shifted in the water so Krissa sat on Derek’s lap, her back pressed to his front, and Nate stood between both their legs. He reached down between her thighs, stroked his fingers through her sex, found the moisture there. “That,” he murmured, holding her gaze, “brings me to my knees.”

She stared back at him. “Oh.”

He stroked there, pushed a finger inside her, while Derek’s hands covered her breasts and played. He added another finger, used his thumb to find and rub her clit. Her eyes widened, then fell closed, her head falling back onto Derek’s shoulder. The exquisite pleasure on her face grabbed hold of him and his heart swelled up and tightened.

“Yes,” she hissed. “Yessss. Oh, yes.”

He kept his thumb moving, his fingers thrusting and then she cried out and arched, breasts thrusting forward out of the water. Derek pinched both nipples as Nate felt her pussy clench around him. “So hot, baby,” he murmured, watching her. She rippled and pulsed against and around his hand. Her beautiful face flushed pink, her teeth dug into her bottom lip, eyes still closed.

“God,” she muttered long moments later as they both stroked her and held her under the water. “Dear God.”

“Good?” Nate stroked her thighs.

“Mmmm.” She opened drowsy eyes and her mouth curved up. “Awesome.”

He loved doing that to her. He’d become addicted to her pleasure. And while he tried to enjoy the moment, he couldn’t help but wonder how long this would go on. Because nothing this good—or was this bad?—lasted forever.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-One

Krissa led the way, wet and dripping, through the dark house and into the bedroom, all three of them naked. “I might fall sleep,” she warned the two men as she handed out towels. Her body felt weak and lethargic; her mind fuzzy.

To her surprise, Nate accepted the towel from her, shook it out and started drying her off. He rubbed her hair between two towel-covered hands, dried her shoulders and throat, then her chest, lingering on her breasts. Derek took a cue from him, and stepped behind her to dry her back.

Having two men attending to her pleasure was so exquisite she couldn’t believe this was happening. Four male hands gently toweled her body dry, then lifted her onto the bed. She was thankful for that because she wasn’t sure if she was able to move. The heat of the hot tub and the shattering orgasm had left her limp and lazy.

When Derek and Nate had dried off, they climbed into bed with her, into what was becoming a usual pattern of Derek on her right and Nate on her left. She knew she needed to look after them, but at that moment she couldn’t move. Maybe if they just let her sleep for a few minutes…

But they had no intention of letting her sleep, apparently. They did, however, seem to understand her languor and once again, two mouths and four hands stroked and kissed and licked her everywhere. She floated on a cloud of sensual bliss. At first she reveled in the carnal sensation, aware of nothing but her sense of touch as hands petted her, mouths brushed her and tongues slid over her. But when two mouths sucked on her nipples at the same time, her body tightened and arched. Mouths tugged, teeth nipped, and sharp little sensations flashed from nipples to quivering clit. Thick, hot liquid arousal pooled between her legs, fever heated her skin. Need built inside her, coiling, to a tight, sharp point.

Her clit pulsed in time with her heartbeat and she parted her legs as hands slid there. She heard a distant moan and then realized it was hers. The panting breaths and ragged moans belonged to the men.

She wanted to open her eyes and look at them, but her lids were too heavy. She licked her lips, turned her head from side to side on the pillow as her entire body became one hot glow of arousal.

Sliding caresses between her legs, fingertips and then, oh God, a tongue licking, lapping at her swollen flesh. She parted her legs wider as fingers probed, slid into her and out, glided wetly around, back inside. Then wet fingers skimmed lower, to the puckered rim of her anus. She gasped and jerked a little at that unfamiliar touch. She struggled to open her eyes, but kisses brushed her lids closed.

“It’s okay, honey.” Derek. He kissed her again, little feathery kisses all over her face. Were those his fingers there? “I know we’ve never done this…but tonight…we both want to fuck you at the same time.”

Desire clamped down hard on her womb at his words. Fingers gently stroked and probed. She moaned. “I don’t know…”

“We’ll take it slow,” Derek assured her in a whisper in her ear. Hands cupped her breasts, tugged her nipples. She writhed as sensation surged through her bloodstream. “Right, Nate?”

“Right.” His word was a whisper against her pussy and she clenched inside. He kissed her clit, a gentle, suckling kiss and she pulsed against his mouth.

The fingers—whose were they?—trailed back up to her pussy, drew up moisture and slid back down, and this time one finger penetrated her ass. She cried out, but it wasn’t unpleasant—just unfamiliar. The finger stilled, clamped by the ring of muscle there, pulsing, holding it and she gasped. Her pussy throbbed with need and excitement.

The finger moved, sliding in just a little deeper, withdrawing. In. Out. Krissa moaned, the sensation adding to the sensual overload. Dear God, were they going to fuck her there? She reached out, found a big, male body, searched around until she found an arm and squeezed. Dragging her eyes open, she realized she clutched Nate’s forearm. It was the fingers of his other hand there in that most intimate of places, where no man had ever touched her.

“Okay?” he whispered.

She blinked, not even able to answer, not sure what to say. She wanted to ask them to stop, but she wanted to feel more…to see what it was like, to know…Nate’s finger continued to fuck her ass gently, in and out. Derek played with the tight tips of her breasts, pinching them into sharp aching points.

She needed more. More.

“Gonna need that bottle of lube,” Nate murmured to Derek, who released her nipples and reached into the drawer of the night stand.

Her pussy clenched hard, her sensitized nerve endings aware of every brush of their bodies against her, acutely aware of Nate’s gently thrusting finger, the brush of his mouth across her stomach.

“Think you can do this?” he asked her, his finger sliding slowly out. To her own shock, she wanted it back there. She needed to be filled up, ached with an empty pang.

“I don’t know.” She met his eyes, hers still heavy. Her body burned, tension coiled inside her hard and tight. “I want to. I want to do it.”

She didn’t know how this would work or who would do what to her, but it didn’t matter. At that moment all that mattered was slaking the need bubbling inside her, hot and violent.

Derek lay his back beside her, Nate moved aside and they helped her roll on top of Derek. She tucked her face into his neck, breathed in the scent of him. She adjusted herself over him. “Sit up, honey,” he whispered and with difficulty she levered herself up, hands on his chest, and straddled him. His cock rose in front of her, hard and dark. Taking him in her hand she lifted over him and with a small cry of relief she lowered herself onto him. Down, down, until their bodies met and he was all the way in. She felt his cock twitch and lengthen inside her and she tightened around him. “Oh, yeah,” he groaned. He tugged her hands, so she lay down stretched out over him, and thrust up into her once.

She felt Nate move on the bed, behind her. His hands slid over her hips and her ass, gentle, reassuring, as he nudged his way up to her. His cock flexed against her and she sucked in a breath.

She heard the pop of the bottle of lube as he opened the lid, waited as he poured some out, the snap of it shutting, then the thud of the bottle hitting the carpet. Slick wet sounds reached her ears as Nate oiled his cock and every little muscle inside her quivered in anticipation. Nerve endings jumped as he separated the cheeks of her ass, probed at her entrance with the head of his cock, hot and slippery.

She couldn’t breathe, gave a choked gasp, her heart thudding against her ribs. She pressed her face into the curve where Derek’s neck met his shoulder, sank her teeth into her bottom lip. When Nate pushed into her, sensation surged through her body, a delicious pain, a burning pleasure.

A low sound tore from her throat. Derek’s hands swept up and down her back. He lay still beneath her, waiting until Nate was ready. “Relax,” Nate murmured, his hands on her bottom, gentle and warm. He pushed in a little further, and the burning intensified.

“Oh! Oh, God.”

They both continued to stroke her, pausing, and she throbbed around both of them. Her mind spun away from her, her world limited to the sensations shimmering over her, radiating from the core of her to her toes, her fingers, her scalp.

“Don’t tighten around me,” Nate whispered, one gentle hand on her back. “Bear down…a little. Like you’re pushing me out.”

She tried to focus, tried to control the out-of-control muscles of her body. “That’s it,” he crooned and she felt him slide in deeper. “Perfect…ah Krissa, your ass is sweet. So tight and hot…”

Pleasure spiked in her again. This was unbelievable. Hot wicked tingles flashed over every nerve ending, making her gasp, making her tremble. She was full…so full, two cocks inside her touching her so deep, stretching her, burning her. It was exquisite, it was mind-shattering, it was darkly, deliciously erotic.

They moved in her, moving in unison, and the pull and drag of their flesh on her sent her spinning to the stars. When Nate reached around between her and Derek’s body and found her clit, she exploded.

She wasn’t sure but she thought she might have screamed as the orgasm ripped through her. She saw sparkling lights, her mind disintegrated, a sweet pleasure she’d never known sliding over her in a deluge of sublime delight. She vaguely heard Nate’s hoarse shout, felt him grasp her hips tighter as he held her ass against him. She felt him spasm inside her, flood her ass with hot semen and thinking of that undid her again, and shockingly she came again in a smaller, tighter orgasm. The thought flitted through her spinning mind that she wished she could see Nate, that she hoped this felt special for him, too. With guttural gasps, he gradually relaxed his grip on her, and then Derek thrust into her harder, faster, too.

“Oh, Krissa, I’m coming, too,” he groaned, He grabbed her hair, turned her head so he could kiss her and their mouths met and held as he exploded inside her in hot hard bursts.

They both stayed inside her for long moments, Nate behind her, filling her behind, Derek below her filling her pussy, the exquisite fullness so incredibly satisfying. Their heavy breathing was audible in the dark bedroom. Derek’s arms stayed tight around her, Nate’s hand stroked slickly over her back, damp with perspiration. She tried to fill her lungs with oxygen, not sure if she would ever be the same again.

Two men had just fucked her at the same time. And she’d loved it. Her heart squeezed so hard she gasped.

The next morning, when Nate was in the shower, Derek rolled toward Krissa and leaned over her. “When I go to work early, you and Nate stay in bed together.”

“Yes.” She gazed up at him, put her hands on his warm chest.

“Do you have sex when I’m not here?”

She moved her head side to side on the pillow, holding his gaze. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because…I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.”

“You want to.”

She kept her face expressionless, not knowing what had prompted this conversation. “Derek…we won’t have sex without you. This is your baby, too.”

“Krissa. Last night wasn’t about making a baby.”

She blinked slowly. “No. I guess not.”

He stared at her for a long moment, then nodded. “You can do anything else—but no fucking. Unless I’m here.”

She rebelled at him telling her what to do. She and Nate had never done it without Derek around, and had no intention of ever doing it. Despite the heat and desire that often flared between them, they’d never acted on it when Derek wasn’t around. It was as if they both understood it, didn’t want to push it past what it was into something else. But for Derek to tell her not to, made her want to argue with him.

But she nodded her agreement. “Of course,” she whispered.

After that, the three of them slept together every night. They didn’t have sex every night—although Krissa felt so sensitized and aroused, she could have—but they did have sex, even when it wasn’t for the purpose of conception. Sometimes all three of them made love; other times they took turns, the watching almost as hot as the doing.

“We did a bad thing the other night.”

Both men looked up at Krissa across the dinner table, looked at each other, then back at her. It had been a week since their first night together.

“Uh…what’s that, babe?” Derek asked.

“We went in the hot tub.” She bit her lip. “The heat can lower sperm count temporarily.”

“But that was just after…” Nate stopped.

“I know. So not a big deal for you. But it can also increase the risk of miscarriage. If I’m pregnant, I shouldn’t have gone in there. I wasn’t thinking!” When she’d seen this piece of information on the internet earlier, her insides had twisted into tight knots. She’d known that! Why hadn’t she thought about that? Apparently, they’d gotten her so aroused, she hadn’t been thinking.

“It’ll be okay, bunny.” Nate’s reassuring words didn’t make her feel much better.

“There are tests that can tell you if you’re pregnant six to eight days after conception,” she continued.

“You want to know already?” Nate asked the question, then laughed. “Of course you do, little Miss Impatient.”

“I do want to know, of course I do. I’m worried, now. But…I’m afraid, too. I almost feel like it’s better to just wait…and see.” She poked at the rice on her plate.

“And that would be when…?” Once again, Nate seemed endearingly uncomfortable talking about Krissa’s female schedule.

“Another week.”

“You can wait that long, Krissa,” Derek said. He cut a piece of chicken.

“Yes. I can.” She lowered her gaze to her plate. Had she been hoping they’d talk her into trying the test, as anxious as she was to find out if she was pregnant?

“We really need to have a talk,” Nate said, setting his cutlery on his plate. “I know the clinic doesn’t exactly have guidelines for this type of thing, but it’s basically the same as a directed donation—we need to have some legal agreements in place.”

Krissa nibbled her bottom lip. “I hate to think that we need to do that…but yeah, you’re right.”

“We’re friends and we trust each other, and we all know why we’re doing this,” Nate continued. “But things can happen…”

“Like what?” Derek frowned.

“Like what if one day I decided I wanted to claim the child as my own?”

“Why would you do that?”

Nate shrugged, picked up his water glass. “I don’t know why I would. That was just an example. Something like that could really screw things up. I know we all agree right now on how this is going to work, but things change…I just think to protect us all and to protect our friendship, we should maybe have a lawyer draw up an agreement.”

Krissa felt heavy. “I hate that.”

“I know.” Nate’s eyes met hers. “But you agree, don’t you?”

She nodded. “Sure. How about we do that once we know I’m pregnant? If I’m not, it’s moot. Right?”

She had to be pregnant! God. The number of times they’d had sex—more than once in a night, three nights in a row and at the exact right time of the month—it had to happen. Her hands curled into fists in her lap.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Two

The next morning, Krissa vaguely heard Derek leave for work, and buried her face into her pillow to get her extra hour of sleep. But she didn’t go back to sleep. As she gradually became more and more awake, she grew acutely aware of Nate’s big body next to her, radiating heat, all sleek tanned skin and muscle.

She wanted to touch him.

She touched herself instead.

She slid her hands over her breasts, over soft nipples, brushed her palms over them and felt them harden. An ache between her legs grew stronger and she parted her thighs, trailed her hand down over her tummy. Her fingers played in the curls there briefly, then she slipped her fingers into her throbbing folds. She closed her eyes, bit her lip, pushed a finger into the wetness. Oh, God. She held in a moan.

The thing about sex was, the more you had it, the more you wanted it. She and Derek had planned their sex for so long, timed it carefully around cycles and testing, wanting to preserve sperm, wanting to ensure conception. She’d had more sex in the last week than she and Derek had had alone in the last six months. Well, that might be exaggerating—but not much.

Now she wanted it all the time. Thoughts of sex intruded on her work. Made her warm and wet while she was walking through the grocery store. Made her want to masturbate when Nate was lying right beside her and could wake up at any moment.

She rubbed her finger over her clit, found the spot, moved her hips in the rhythm that always worked for her—and came, in an explosive, tight orgasm that she had to hold inside her. When the spasms subsided she slowly drew her hand away and stretched her legs out, trying not to gasp for breath.

The she turned her head to glance at Nate and found him lying there—watching her.

Heat crawled up her face. “Uh…”

“Krissa.” His voice was thick and strained.

“What?”

“I…”

She saw the erection lifting the duvet. Oh, God. She’d wanted to touch him before, now she couldn’t stop herself. She reached for him under the bed clothes and he rolled toward her, eyes closed, mouth a grim line of near-pain. She stroked his hard cock, measured the length of it, tested the weight of his testicles, drawn up tight against the base of his shaft. She loved his balls, the firmness and fullness of them. She gave a gentle squeeze and he let out a long groan.

She ran her hand over the head of his penis, down again, wishing for lube.

“We can’t…”

“It’s okay.” She moved closer, adjusted her position, pushed back the duvet so she could see him. His smooth bronze chest gleamed in the faint early morning light. Dark stubble shadowed his lean cheeks. He pressed his lips together. She bent over him, kissed between his nipples, tasted him, inhaled the warm male scent of him, the body wash he used, his natural scent filling her nostrils. She wanted to eat him up.

“Krissa…”

She kissed his stomach, felt the muscles quiver. Her tongue lapped at him, dipped into his navel and he sucked in a sharp breath.

“It’s okay,” she said again. “Derek knows.”

“Fuck. Knows what?”

“He knows…” her voice drifted off as her mouth feathered over the wiry curls between his thighs. She lifted her head. “He asked if we had sex when he’s not here. I told him no.” She stroked his cock again, ran her thumb over the wet tip. “He said we could do anything except actually fuck when he’s not here. So this…” She dipped her head and laid a kiss on the head of his cock. “Is okay. And this…” She opened her mouth and took him in. His hands went to her hair, tangled and tugged, just how she loved, and she melted and sank down onto him, swallowed him deep, sucked and licked. He tasted good, salty and tangy. He felt good—thick and hard, veins pulsing. He was huge and powerful and…potent. Intensely masculine and virile.

She moaned as she sucked on him.

“Christ, Krissa. That feels so damn good.”

She hummed her agreement and he groaned, dug his fingers deeper against her scalp. Pleasure edged on pain. She curled her fingers around his balls, traced a finger back behind them, making him jerk beneath her.

“Your mouth is hot,” he groaned, head turning on the bed. She drew her tongue up, swirled around the crown, lifted her head to study him. Beautiful. His cock was beautiful. Throbbing crimson and gleaming wet. But not wet enough. She opened her mouth and let saliva drop out, falling in a slow, lush trail to trickle down over him. “Fuck.” He yanked so hard on her hair she whimpered. “Sorry, sorry.”

“I like it,” she confessed and lifted her head to meet his eyes. A connection zinged between them. He tugged again and her eyelids drifted shut. She lowered her head, again dribbled saliva onto his cock, then spread it around with her hands in firm, long pulls.

“God, that’s good.”

She took him in her mouth again, hot and delicious and silky against her tongue. When her teeth grazed the rim, he twitched and moaned. “Oh, yeah.” She realized then that he liked that. Some guys were afraid of teeth…others liked that harder touch. Experimentally, she let her teeth scrape his flesh again. “Yesss.” His hands held her head, pulled her toward him and she slid up and down, then stopped, closed her teeth around his shaft and gently…ever so gently…bit.

His body tightened, almost lifted off the bed. “Jesus, Krissa…I’m coming. Lift up…” He yanked on her hair, almost savagely, trying to pull her off his cock, but she wasn’t going to let go of him. She loved the feel of a man coming in her mouth, the intimacy of it, the connection. He spurted down her throat, so far down she couldn’t taste him, and she pulled back, opened her mouth and held his cock so he came onto her tongue. She sucked on him, then licked him tenderly when he’d finished jerking into her mouth, holding his balls.

She crawled up his body then, lay down on top of him, tucked her head into the curve where his neck met his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, stroked her back and her butt while his heavy breathing slowed.

The door bell woke them.

Vaguely, Nate was aware it had already rung a couple of times but he’d tried to block it out. As he gradually rose toward consciousness, he realized where and when and who…Krissa and him, in bed, at ten o’clock in the morning. Jesus Christ.

Who was at the door?

“Krissa.” He gave her a little shake, her body wrapped around him, and mumbled. “Someone’s at the door.”

“Mmmm?” She stirred against him and the soft fullness of her breasts against his chest made him harden again. Then her eyes flew open. “The door? Who…”

“I don’t know.”

She rolled off him and out of bed, grabbing a robe as she staggered across the bedroom to the door. She shoved her arms into it and wrapped it around her. The thin silk of the robe did little to hide her body, and Nate followed behind, not wanting her to open the door to a stranger while clad so scantily. He scooped up his boxers as he went, hopping into them one leg at a time as he tried to keep up.

But Krissa was already at the door, had peeked through the sidelight. “Oh, God. Mom.” She flipped the deadbolt, and yanked open the door.

“Krissa. You’re not even dressed.”

“Oh, God, Mom, I forgot we were supposed to go out this morning.”

Krissa’s mother stepped into the foyer, the bright morning sunlight illuminating the entrance so that all Nate could see was a slim silhouette, short dark hair. He stopped abruptly.

Krissa’s mother looked up and saw him.

Her mouth dropped open. Snapped shut. Her gaze swiveled back to Krissa. She blinked.

Krissa turned and saw Nate, standing there in his boxers. He froze under the scrutiny of the two women. Shit.

“Uh…” Krissa tightened the belt of her robe. The excruciating silence dragged out. “Mom, do you remember Nate? Derek’s friend?”

Lizbeth Elston seemed to pale, and the impeccable blusher she’d applied to her cheeks stood out starkly pink. Her lips pressed together and her gaze went back and forth between Krissa and Nate while she apparently leaped to some conclusions. Then her cheeks flushed.

And goddammit, her conclusions were right. Jesus. Nate thrust a hand into his hair. The light from the open door was searing his eyeballs and he dragged his hand over them, shielding them. “Uh, sorry,” he muttered. “The light…” And he turned and went back upstairs, cringing, feeling the watchful eyes of Krissa and her mother.

His glasses were in Krissa and Derek’s room. He wanted to stay there. Maybe he could shower in their bathroom, hide there forever. Or at least until Mrs. Elston had left.

He stood there, glasses in his hand, blinking at the moisture the sun had brought to the corners of his eyes, hearing their murmured voices. What were they saying?

Well. This was awkward.

Krissa’d been very open to this whole weird situation, but having to explain it to her mother was a whole other issue. His lips twitched and dammit if laughter didn’t bubble up inside him. It was like high school, getting caught making out with your girlfriend when your parents came home early. For God’s sake, they were adults. Their sex lives and um…partners were their own business. Right?

But there was always that feeling of being a child, the parental oversight that could make you cringe with guilt and anxiety, no matter how old you were.

He did shower in their bathroom, found the clothes he’d discarded last night and dressed. He had to face them some time. When he emerged from the bedroom, he found the two women in the kitchen, Krissa pouring coffee for them both. She must have returned to the bedroom while he showered, because she was dressed in a pair of jeans that ended just above the ankle and a floaty green top that matched her eyes. Her long dark hair curled around her shoulders, shiny as usual, just brushed. Her eyes met his and they shared a faint smile.

“Coffee?” She held up a mug.

“Thanks.”

“Mom and I are going shopping and then out for lunch,” she told him. “I completely forgot.”

He nodded. “That’s nice.”

Another awkward silence, and then Krissa said, “Well we should go then.” And she and her mother left.

A week later, Krissa woke up to an ache in her low back. She’d become so attuned to every nuance of her body’s reproductive cycle, she knew immediately what that meant. She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Derek had left for work and Nate slept beside her.

She pressed a hand to her abdomen. Was she feeling the first twinges of cramps? Maybe she was imagining it?

She climbed carefully out of bed so as not to disturb Nate, and went into the bathroom. When she wiped between her legs with toilet paper it came away streaked with red.

She stared at the evidence that she was not pregnant. Again. With an aching throat and stinging eyes, she pulled the package of tampons out of the cupboard.

She showered quickly, left her wet hair hanging around her shoulders, returned to the dim bedroom to find some clothes. When she was dressed in a pair of knee-length shorts and a long-sleeved T, she went to the kitchen to make coffee.

She stared sightlessly out the kitchen window as the coffee brewed. Her chest ached and she pressed a hand between her breasts. How could this be? It had been perfect timing, and they’d done it so many times. She’d been positive that this time she was going to be pregnant.

She poured coffee into a stainless steel travel mug, popped the lid on it, and went outside. Feeling heavy and tired, her tummy now definitely cramping, she descended to the beach and walked along the shore.

The ocean air teased her hair, cooled the tears running down her cheeks. Seagulls squawked their human-sounding cry, like a crying baby, swooping through the clear blue sky, wings stretched out, pure white illuminated by the sun against brilliant blue.

She found her rock, her favorite place to sit and think. She sat cross-legged, mug cupped in two hands, sipped the steaming brew, and let the tears come. Every rolling breaker brought more misery, more sobs, until she ran out of tears and felt exhausted. She swiped at her nose with a tissue she found in her shorts pocket, let the tears dry on her face, as salty and stiff as sea water.

Eventually the rhythmic rolling of waves onto shore calmed her and lulled her back to steadiness.

She turned her head and spotted someone else walking on the beach toward her. He was still far away, but she easily recognized Nate from the way he moved, his long athletic strides. There wasn’t going to be any way to hide her misery, as her nose must be scarlet and she could feel her eyes were puffy. She blew out a long breath, stared back out at the vast expanse of blue ocean and waited ’til he got there.

“Hey.” He stepped over and around the rocks strewn around her and stood before her. “You’re sitting on my rock.”

She lifted her face to him and pasted on a smile. “Your rock? This is my rock.”

He immediately frowned as he took in her face. “What’s wrong?” He dropped to a squat before her, his eyes intent and questioning.

She sighed. “I got my period.”

He blinked. “Oh.” Then, “Well, shit.”

“Yeah.” Afraid tears were going to start again, she blinked rapidly. “This is where I always come when I need to think about stuff.”

“Ah. I’m sorry, Krissa.”

She nodded, shifted over. “There’s probably room for you, too.”

“Do you want to be alone?”

“No, it’s okay.” He sat beside her, his big body pressed to her side as they shared the rock, gazing out to sea.

“It’s so huge,” she commented. “It’s like it goes on forever—boundless.”

“Mmm. Infinity.”

He slid his arm around her waist and she snuggled closer into him. The warmth and strength of his embrace comforted her like nothing else.

“I feel responsible,” he said.

She tipped her head to look up at him. “For what?”

“For not getting you pregnant.” He rubbed his face.

“Don’t,” she said, putting a hand on his chest. “We’ve been through this so many times. Sometimes there are no reasons for why it doesn’t happen.”

“Yeah.”

“Sometimes I think if conception is so difficult, it truly is a miracle every time a life is created.”

“People take it for granted.”

“Oh, yeah! Do they ever.” She shrugged. “This time, I think it hurt even more because I was so sure…every other time, at least for the last year, I was getting to the point where I almost would have been more surprised if I was pregnant. The hope was definitely wearing out. But this time…” She couldn’t help the little sniffle. “I was positive it was going to work.”

“Maybe there’s something wrong with me, too.”

She huffed out a little laugh. “I guess since you’ve never tried to get someone pregnant before, you wouldn’t know, but it’s not likely.”

He shifted beside her and his body tensed. He said nothing.

“Really, Nate, don’t worry. We’ll just try again next month.”

He again remained silent, staring out at the ocean.

“What?”

“I don’t know how long I’ll stay here,” he said, voice so low she almost couldn’t hear him.

“But…” She wanted to insist he stay, but then remembered he was only there to recuperate from his own illness. She couldn’t make him stay for her own selfish reasons. She fought to breath air into her constricted lungs.

“I can stay another few weeks,” he said, as if knowing her thoughts. “My eyes don’t seem to be getting better, but I can’t mooch off you guys forever. At some point I’ll have to make some decisions…what to do with my life.”

“Oh, Nate.” Her heart squeezed and she turned into him. His other arm came around her and the coffee mug thunked to the sand. She pressed her face against his chest, loving the feel of him, the smell of him. “Your eyes will still get better, I know it.”

But if they did, he would leave.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Three

Nate felt the acute disappointment too. Maybe not as much as Krissa, who’d been wanting this for so long. But he, too, had somehow become invested in this. He, too, had been certain they’d been making a baby. His first experience with this and it confounded him that they could have had sex that many times and not conceive. How many girls got pregnant with one sexual encounter? And then didn’t want the baby. How unfair was that?

He stroked Krissa’s silky hair. His heart ached for her and he found himself wanting to do anything to be able to give her what she wanted. “I’ll stay at least a few more weeks,” he said again. “And we’ll try again.”

“Thank you.”

He did wonder if there could be something wrong with him, except he knew that he may have fathered a child before. Lauren had been pregnant. It could have been his. Or not. He would never know. What if that had been the only chance he’d ever have to be a father? And that unborn child had died along with Lauren in that car crash.

A hot knife sliced through his intestines. Christ! It hadn’t hurt that much when Lauren had died. What was happening to him? He should be over that pain, not feeling it worse now.

“I was thinking about going to that gallery show in L.A.,” he told Krissa. “Greg, the owner of the gallery called yesterday. He really wants me to be there.”

“You should go,” she said, voice muffled in his sweatshirt.

“I told him I’ll think about it.”

He couldn’t imagine going and standing around looking at his work through dark glasses, having to explain to people what had happened to him, feeling their pity for him as they realized he was a washed up photographer with no future. Who was going to buy his prints after that? As far as he was concerned, it was just a big disaster in the making. Greg would be better off without him there.

He watched a sand piper run across the flat, wet sand, its tiny legs moving so fast they were a blur. It followed a wave out, then turned and ran back in when another breaker rolled toward it. Nate lifted his gaze to the water stretching far into the distance, all the way to the sky.

“Hey,” he said. He narrowed his eyes, wished he could take off his glasses. “Look, Krissa. I think it’s dolphins.”

She lifted her head and followed his direction. “It is!” She sat up straighter. “Wow! Look at them. They’re coming this way.”

They sat and watched the pod of dolphins slowly make their way up the coast, exclaiming in awe when one jumped right out of the water.

“Jumping for joy,” she murmured, eyes staring out to sea.

“Dancing,” Nate said. He wished he was closer and had his camera and could take the damn glasses off. Fuck! He yearned to capture their joyous playfulness, their grace and beauty.

“They’re always there,” Krissa said. He dragged his gaze away from the dolphins and looked down at her. “They live in the ocean. They’re always there, we just don’t see them.”

Many things were always there that weren’t always seen. Nate swallowed hard, unable to take his eyes off Krissa and her sweet allure, her magic more powerful than the arcing dolphins. When they’d passed by, Krissa turned to Nate, excitement shining her eyes up. Her eyelids and nose were still pink, but a smile turned up the corners of her pretty mouth. He was glad that had happened just then. They’d both needed that. He leaned over and kissed her mouth. “Come on,” he said. “I’m hungry. I bet you didn’t eat breakfast either.”

“No.” He stood and pulled her to her feet, retrieved her empty mug. “I didn’t feel like eating, but now I could.”

“Have you got meetings today? Work to do?”

As they strolled along the beach toward home they talked about the routine things that make up daily life, the things that seem insignificant but which glue all the big important things and hold it all together.

Derek had been disappointed, too, in the news that Krissa wasn’t pregnant, but he took it with a shrug and a more practical response. “Maybe we should go ahead with the sperm donations,” he said to Nate when Krissa wasn’t around. “I know you aren’t going to be here forever, buddy.”

And Nate, who’d already said and thought the same things himself, felt strangely as though Derek didn’t mind that. Or was he imagining things? This whole situation was so bizarre, he didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling half the time.

Nate had to do something. He’d worked out in the gym, walked on the beach, tried to read. Watching television held no interest for him. When he sat still too long, his mind started thinking about Krissa and the fact that she wasn’t pregnant.

Derek had told him he could use his bicycle any time. Neither of them did triathlons any more, but Derek still liked to cycle for fun. Nate checked the bike out in the garage and saw a smaller ladies’ bike there, too.

He found Krissa in her office, sitting in front of her computer.

“Hey.”

She turned at the sound of his voice, and smiled. “Hey yourself.” A hint of sadness still lingered in her eyes.

“What are you working on?”

“A proposal. For the city of Santa Barbara.”

“When does it need to be done?”

“Next week. The RFP said Wednesday.”

“Good. Come with me, then.”

One dark brow lifted. “Come where?”

“For a bike ride.”

“A bike ride?” She stared at him.

“Yeah. Derek said I could use his any time, and I see you have a bike, too. So let’s go get some fresh air.”

“But…”

“Come on, Krissa. It’ll be good for you. You’ve been moping around for days. And I’m going out of my mind. I need to do something. Come with me.” He smiled hopefully. “Remember that time, your last year in college, when I convinced you to go drink beer and play video games all afternoon?”

“When I should have been studying.”

“Yeah.” He grinned.

“And Derek showed up at your apartment later looking for me, all pissed off and grouchy?”

“That too. But remember how you said you felt so relaxed and regenerated? You aced your exam after that.”

She sighed, but smiled. “I guess I could take a break for a little while.” She stood up, dressed in her usual shorts and tank top. “Should I change?”

“You’re fine. Just grab a sweater. It’s really windy out today.”

“Okay.” She saved what she’d been working on, standing at the desk, bent over to use the mouse, which nicely displayed her cute little ass. Nate studied it, liking how the short shorts rode up and exposed the under curve of her butt. He admired the symmetry, the peachy texture of her skin. Nice.

She stood and turned and caught him checking out her ass. Their eyes met and she slowly shook her head as she walked toward him. “What were you looking at?” she asked him and he swallowed.

There was no point in trying to get out of it. “Your ass,” he said cheerfully. “It’s cute.”

She laughed. “Thank you.” She brushed past him to leave her office, disappeared into the bedroom and returned, shoving her arms into a thin blue hoodie.

They rode toward Santa Barbara. “Where are we going?” she called Nate, who was in the lead.

“I don’t know. Wherever we end up.”

This was what he loved—just taking off and going somewhere, without knowing where he was going. Like his life used to be when he was a kid, working at the beach renting bikes. Once he’d gotten a couple of people working for him, he’d take off on his bike with his camera and shoot for hours, wherever he felt like going. A pang of regret that he couldn’t bring a camera and shoot squeezed him, but he pushed it aside. At least he was out in the fresh air, the wind blowing in his face, rushing past his ears. He loved riding fast, but when he glanced behind him and saw he’d left Krissa far behind, he slowed.

“Sorry!” he called to her as she neared. “I got carried away.”

“I can’t keep up with you, Mr. Triathlete,” she puffed.

He laughed. “I’m not a triathlete any more.”

“You’re still an athlete. I’d say you’ve recovered from your food poisoning.’”

Except for his eyes. He didn’t say it. Just thought it. Again.

They cycled on, Nate pedaling slower so he could stay close enough to Krissa. When they arrived at the turnoff to the zoo, he said, “Let’s go in here.”

She followed him along the road and they parked and locked their bikes outside the entrance. “I haven’t been to the zoo in…God, I can’t remember the last time I came to the zoo.”

“That’s too bad,” he said. “I like the zoo. Come on.”

They wandered along the path, eating ice cream, standing and watching the giraffes with their impossibly long necks.

“We should bring Cameron’s kids here sometime,” Nate said. “That would give her a break.”

She looked at him, her head tipped to the side. “Really? You’d do that?”

“Sure.” He held her gaze, squinted. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like I just grew a tail or something.” He glanced over his shoulder and brushed his hand over his butt. “I haven’t, have I?”

She smiled, a slow, special smile. “No. I’m just…impressed. I like that you’d do that.”

“Whatever.” It wasn’t that big a deal. But a zoo was even more fun with kids. They moved on to the lions.

After a couple of hours of the zoo, Krissa looked at her watch. “I was just supposed to take a break for a little while,” she reminded him.

“Are you having fun?”

She nodded and he saw her swallow.

“Good. Then let’s bike a little further.”

They cycled past East Beach, busy despite the cool winds and rolling waves, past Stearns Wharf, and when they reached the Breakwater, Nate turned off the path into the parking lot. “Let’s go out on the Breakwater,” he called to her, again leading the way. They dismounted and walked their bikes past the fishing boats, little shops and restaurants. The fishy, salty odor of the ocean intensified here, but the strong wind whipped it quickly away.

The flags lining the walkway on tall poles snapped and flapped stiffly. Waves crashed against the concrete so hard water flew across the sidewalk in places and they had to jump out of the way of a spray of saltwater a few times, laughing, breathless. The wind whipped Krissa’s long hair around her head, across her face and she kept trying to control it.

“This is hopeless,” she said, a frown edging her forehead. Nate stopped, and propped his bike against the wall. He took her hair in his hands, smoothed it back as best he could, and held it at the nape of her neck. She glared up at him.

“You look annoyed.” He grinned.

She sighed. “Yeah. Sorry. I should have worn it up.”

He reached into a pocket of his cargo shorts and fished around, pulled out an elastic band. “Don’t ask me why I have this. I have no idea.” He wrapped it around her messy ponytail a few times to secure it.

She gave him that look again—like he’d grown a tail—and then smiled. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” They stood there, smiling into each other’s eyes. Nate let his hands rest on her shoulders. Then a huge wave exploded against the breakwater wall and shot high. Icy seawater rained down on them, drenching them. Krissa screamed and ran, Nate grabbed his bike and followed, and once in a dry place they stood, laughing uncontrollably and gasping for breath.

“I’m soaked!” Krissa cried, holding her arms out to her sides. Water had darkened spots of the blue hoodie.

“You’re okay.” They faced each other and Nate wiped water from her face with his fingertips, lingering on her peachy cheek. He watched his thumb stroke across her bottom lip, then their eyes met. He smiled.

They walked on and paused where the breakwater curved, far enough from the waves that they didn’t have to worry. They leaned on the concrete on their elbows, side by side, and stared out at the ocean.

The breeze tugged tendrils of Krissa’s hair loose to swirl around her face. She pushed them back, but didn’t seem bothered. The fresh air had brought a pinky flush to her cheeks and her eyes sparkled. Yeah, this had been good for her.

They turned their backs to the ocean and regarded the mountains behind the jumble of masts in the harbor.

“Would you like to live on a boat like that?” Nate asked her.

“No way!”

“Why not? You love the ocean.”

“I wouldn’t want to live on it, though. I’m…afraid of it.” She peeked at him through her lashes as if she was embarrassed.

“Afraid of it?”

She turned to him. “Yeah. It’s so huge. And deep. It’s like it’s…endless. I like to look at it from afar but I’m kind of scared of it.” She paused. “One time I was out on a boat with my family, whale watching with a guy my dad knew. We got off course. We were so far out you couldn’t even see the shore and there were no other boats around.”

He watched her with fond amusement. “Was it stormy?”

“No.” She shook her head and her cheeks pinkened a little more. “It was fine. It was a beautiful day. But I panicked when I couldn’t see anything but water. I don’t know why. Everyone thought it was funny, but I was terrified.”

“Ah.” He put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her.

“I felt like we were lost,” she said. “It’s so huge and endless, you could get lost so easily.”

“You can get lost anywhere.” You could get lost in life.

Their eyes met. “I know.”

Nate dragged his gaze away from her and back out to the ocean. “Kind of funny how all my pictures are of water.”

“But it’s calm water. I don’t know how you do that. Your pictures make me feel…I don’t know…soothed. Like the ocean is scary but it’s calming, too.”

“I use a really long exposure,” he murmured. “It smoothes out all the little ripples and waves on the water. Of course, I do wait until it’s very calm. Sometimes I wait days for the right conditions.”

“You’re very patient.”

“I guess.”

“Not like me.”

He grinned, hugged her gather. “No, definitely not like you, Miss I-Want-It-Now.”

She cuddled into him and smiled. He liked that she didn’t take herself too seriously.

“I guess we should head back,” he said, regret sliding through him.

It took them longer to get home than they’d anticipated and Derek was already there, for a change.

“Where the hell were you?” he asked, irritation drawing his brows together.

“We went for a bike ride.” Krissa smiled down at her water-splotched sweater. “We walked out on the Breakwater and it was so fun! The waves were huge. And we went to the zoo.”

“The zoo?” Derek looked from Krissa to Nate. “Well.”

Krissa glanced up and frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Derek shook his head and scowled.

She studied him for a few seconds, then said, “I’ll go change and then make dinner.”

She started to walk away. “Krissa. Wait.” Nate stopped her. She turned and looked at him, brows raised.

“Don’t just walk away.”

Her eyes flickered. “What do you mean?”

Nate took a step toward her, stopped. “I mean, Derek is clearly pissed off about something. Make him tell you what it is.”

She licked her lips, eyes darting between him and Derek. Nate, too, shot a glance Derek’s way. His scowl had deepened. Then her eyes came back to Nate. “I don’t want to,” she whispered.

“I know.”

Their gaze held and he willed her to stand up to her husband, to not let him get away with acting like an asshole for no reason.

Krissa turned to Derek. “Okay. I’ll ask again. What’s wrong?”

He said nothing. His jaw tightened.

“Oh, Derek.” Her shoulders relaxed and she went over to him, put her hands on his waist. “Just tell me. Are you mad at me about something? Because I wasn’t here with dinner ready when you got home?”

Derek looked away, shoved a hand into his hair. “No. Yes. I sound like a spoiled idiot.”

“Yes, you do.” She kissed his jaw. “Are you mad because Nate and I went out together?”

“That too.”

“We just went for a bike ride.”

“I know. I’m a jerk. You two can go have fun if you want. Although…when do you ever get any work done these days?”

She sighed. “I’ll do some work tonight for a few hours.”

Nate held in a groan. She’d been doing so well there. “Is that what you’d planned to do Krissa?”

She turned to him. She studied him. “Yes,” she finally said. “That’s what I’d planned. I need to get the proposal done.”

“Okay.” He didn’t want her doing it just because Derek thought she should. He wanted her to tell him she’d manage her work herself, but then, Nate was the one who’d gotten her into this, so maybe expecting her to stand up to Derek wasn’t fair.

“I dragged her with me, Derek,” he said. “She didn’t want to come. I thought it would be good for her—for both of us—to get out and get our minds off…you know.”

Derek nodded. He kissed Krissa’s forehead. “You’re right, Nate. I’m sorry. I guess I just felt left out. I was sitting in meetings all afternoon while you two were out having fun. But I’m glad you did.”

Nate saw Krissa inhale a deep breath, then let it out slowly. She gave them both a quick smile. “Okay, now I’m going to get changed.”

He was sorry he’d pushed her. But then, not really so sorry.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Four

Krissa’d convinced him to go to the gallery showing in L.A. He’d rented a car, which gave him much more freedom to come and go as he wanted. Not that he had much to do. Driving during the day wasn’t a problem, but at night his eyes were still too sensitive to the oncoming headlights of cars and he obviously couldn’t wear dark glasses at night.

He’d gotten out and around town, visited some old friends and some old haunts, checked out some photography stores and galleries.

But the day before he was to leave for L.A., Krissa came to find him in the basement work-out room, where he bench-pressed ever increasing weights. He’d put on weight from eating Krissa’s cooking, and felt more like his old self physically. He’d fully recovered from the botulism, other than his goddamn eyes.

“I just did the ovulation test,” she announced, her brows drawn together over her small nose. “I’m supposed to ovulate in the next twenty-four to thirty-six hours.”

“Oh. Great.”

“No, it’s not great. You’re going away. Just when we need to…uh…”

“Oh, yeah. Damn.” He lowered the weight and stared at her. “Well, I wasn’t that enthusiastic about going anyway.”

“But you should go. I said that before.” Her pretty mouth pouted and he could see her thinking.

“Well, then, the other option is you come with me.”

She tilted her head to one side. “I guess I could. I don’t have client meetings or anything until Monday next week. But what about Derek?”

“He should come too.”

“If we’re going to…”

He nodded. “Check with him, then.”

“We can talk about it tonight when he’s home.”

But Derek said he couldn’t take off for two days to go to L.A. “I’ve got things scheduled that I can’t move. I’m about to close a huge sale. I need to be here.”

“Oh.” Nate could read the disappointment on Krissa’s expressive face, her eyes cast down, mouth dipping at the corners.

“But you two go,” Derek said.

Krissa’s head shot up. “Really?”

The three of them all looked at each other for a long moment as they each weighed the implication of that. Krissa looked from Derek to Nate and back. Nate watched her, then looked at Derek.

Derek nodded. “Yeah. Go. Do what you have to do. It’s fine.”

“But we wanted you to be there when…” Krissa’s voice trailed off.

Derek shrugged. “I know. I want to be, too. But we don’t want to blow another opportunity and…” his gaze flicked back to Nate. “This might be the last chance.”

Nate had said nothing to Derek about leaving. Again, he felt that faint hint that Derek maybe wanted him gone. He wasn’t trying to convince him to stay any longer, that was for sure.

“Are you sure, Derek?” he asked quietly.

Derek was looking at Krissa, and he smiled faintly. “Yeah.”

Nate’s gut tightened as he walked into Gallery 228 on Melrose Avenue.

The buzz of conversation mingled with cool jazz sax music in the über-stylish building. Gleaming golden wood floors met stark white walls.

He and Krissa paused in the foyer. He took a long breath. She reached for his hand and squeezed it.

“It’s fine,” she said.

He studied her. She wore a violet silk dress, strapless, with a big bow over her breasts that made him think about reaching out and tugging it. The dress skimmed over her slim body to just above her knees, and high-heeled barely-there sandals added a few inches to her height. With more makeup than she usually wore, she looked stunningly glamorous and sexy. She totally fit in with the hip urban vibe in the art gallery.

He’d had to dig deep into his bag for something to wear. The black jacket he’d pulled out had been wrinkled until he’d hung it in the steamy bathroom, an old trick learned while traveling. He wore it over dark jeans, with a loose white linen shirt and a thin scarf draped loosely around his neck. He hadn’t been sure about the jeans, but hey, he was an artist, he could get away with it.

“Nate!” Greg greeted him, a drink in his hand. He put out his free hand to shake Nate’s. “So glad you could make it!”

Nate shook Greg’s hand, taking in the owner of Gallery 228 in his gold velvet jacket and skinny black pants.

“Greg, this is my friend Krissa. Krissa, Greg Boscoe.”

Krissa shook hands with Greg with a smile. “Pleased to meet you.”

Greg eyed her and gave Nate an approving look. “Likewise. Come on in. I’ll get you a drink and then introduce you around.”

He led them into the gallery. People crowded the long space, standing in front of the images hung on the wall, artfully lit with small spotlights hanging from the exposed beams of the ceiling. Experimentally, Nate removed his dark glasses. He blinked. As long as he stayed out of the direct illumination of the lights, it wasn’t too bad in there, despite all the white reflecting around him. He tucked the glasses into the inside pocket of his jacket.

Nate’s eyes went to the first image—his photographs of fishing docks he’d taken in Thailand. A thrill of pride rushed through him at the display of his work and all the people there to see it. He glanced at Krissa and she gave him an excited smile with a hitch of one bare shoulder. He reached for her hand and took it in his, held it as they followed Greg to the bar at the back of the gallery.

“This is very cool,” she murmured to him.

“I guess.”

When they each had a glass of Merlot in their hand, Greg began introducing them to other guests.

“And this is my partner, Denzel,” Greg said, sliding an arm around the man. “He adores your work, Nate.”

Nate shook hands with Denzel. “Thanks.”

“What’s up for you next?” Greg asked. “You’ve been back in the States for a while now. No more traveling?”

Here came the stuff he’d been dreading—the questions, the curiosity…the pity. “Not sure,” he murmured. “I’ve been taking some time off. I haven’t made plans yet.”

“I heard you were going to be working on a book. That’s so exciting!”

“Mmm. Well, that got put on hold for a while. Not sure when I’ll get back to that.” He didn’t know if he’d ever get back to that. But he wasn’t about to say that. Krissa squeezed his hand, and he felt taller. Stronger.

“If you’re still interested in doing a book, you should meet Blake Remata. He works for Zenith Publishing. Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

Nate and Krissa followed Greg to another group of people where he performed more introductions. Meeting another publisher was great, except Nate still had no idea if he was ever going to be able to photograph again. Although…his eyes roamed around the room. It wasn’t exceptionally bright in there, but nor was it dark. His eyes felt surprisingly good without the glasses.

They mingled and chatted, drank more wine.

“You have such a sense of composition,” one woman told him.

“I love the minimalism,” another guest said. “It’s almost Zen-like. Beautiful balance. Harmony.”

Nate absorbed all the compliments and praise for his work. His ego had been battered lately and all the adulation helped build him up. And having Krissa at his side made it all that much better. She squeezed his hand or his arm at every accolade, and the look of pride on her face was worth more than every word of praise from someone else.

He loved having her at his side. Some warm emotion washed over him and he pulled her away from the crowd, off to the side. He set his wine glass down on a table, put his hands on her hips.

She smiled up at him, and he took her wineglass, too and set it next to his. Her hands came to rest on his chest. He pulled her against him, pelvis to pelvis.

“What?” she asked.

He lifted a hand to stroke her hair, push it behind one bare shoulder. She looked so beautiful tonight, glowing and proud and sexy. He couldn’t wait to get her back to the hotel room and fuck her mindless. His dick leaped at the thought.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

He bent his head but stopped with his mouth a breath apart from hers. “You’re gorgeous, Krissa. Thank you for coming with me.”

Her eyelids drifted closed as she waited for his mouth to touch hers, and then, over her shoulder Nate saw a group of people he knew walk into the gallery. People he knew very well.

He lifted his head.

“Nate!” His mother spotted him, put out her arms and made a beeline across the room to him. “Oh, Nate!”

Oh, Christ.

Krissa opened her eyes and turned in his arms. Nate’s first impulse was to push her away from him. But it was too late for that. His entire family trailed along behind his mother and had already seen him in the heated clinch with Krissa. Jesus.

He gently stepped apart from her, and moved her to his side. She tossed a questioning glance at him, and he gave her a crooked smile, then turned to his mother as she threw herself into his arms.

He’d forgotten what a little thing she was. He’d been bigger than her since he was twelve. Something twisted inside him and he hugged his mother, whom he hadn’t seen for over two years. He looked over her head as his father and two brothers, along with their escorts, approached.

His dad smiled, but his eyes were wary and he appeared to be fighting his emotions. Both his brothers looked—annoyed.

He greeted them all with hugs and back slaps, a big family reunion he hadn’t planned on having here at Gallery 228.

“Nate, this is my girlfriend, Tara,” his brother Bryan introduced them. His other brother, Rich, presented his girlfriend Helen and Nate then introduce Krissa to everyone. His parents eyed her with interest, their gaze dropping to Nate and Krissa’s clasped hands as they stood there. Then Nate’s mom spotted the ring on Krissa’s left hand.

“Oh my God!” she cried, reaching for Krissa’s hand. “Nate, did you get married? And not tell us?”

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Five

Nate’s stomach rolled. “Uh…no. No, Mom.”

Still holding Krissa’s hand, his mother looked up at him. “But…oh.” She slowly released Krissa. “Oh.”

Nate saw the flush creep up Krissa’s face. “I’m married to Nate’s friend Derek,” she said. “Derek Hallson.”

“Oh, of course, I remember Derek! What a charming smooth talker that boy was. Still is, probably.” Mrs. Cowan chatted brightly apparently trying to cover her blunder.

“Yes, he is,” Krissa agreed. She glanced at Nate.

“I’ve been staying with them for the last month or so,” Nate told his mom.

Her brows slanted down. “Oh. You’ve been home for a whole month? And never came to see us?”

Guilt smacked him in the back of the head just like his mom used to do when he was a kid. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I’ve had some problems and I didn’t want to be a burden to you guys.”

“Nate.” His mom’s voice was firm. “How could you possibly be a burden? We haven’t even seen you since…since Lauren died.”

Nate glanced around at the other guests. “This isn’t really the place to be talking about all this.”

“You’re right,” she immediately said, linking her arm through his. “Show me these pictures.”

So Nate led his family through the gallery, along with Krissa, talking about the photographs hanging on the walls and the stories behind some of them.

By ten o’clock almost every picture hanging had been sold. Nate’s mind reeled from the money he’d just made. Greg beamed and shook Nate’s hand vigorously as they prepared to leave. Only a few guests remained, including Nate’s family.

His mom still had the guilt trip thing down pretty good. “How long are you in L.A.?”

“We’re going back to Montecito tomorrow.”

Her face drooped. “Oh, no! Without even seeing us!”

Nate glanced at Krissa. “Krissa has business to get home to, and a husband.”

“Well, at least have breakfast with us. I need to know what’s going on with you…you’ve been so out of touch.” Her eyes reproached him, her head tilted, her mouth pouting. He couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m sorry, Mom, but we can’t.”

The disappointment on her face grabbed at his gut and twisted it.

“Nate.” Krissa spoke beside him, voice low. “You should have breakfast with your family.”

He glanced at her. “But you need to get back…”

“A few hours is no big deal. Go ahead.”

“But…you…”

“I can entertain myself for a few hours.”

“You’re welcome to join us, Krissa,” Nate’s mom said, her gaze moving back and forth between them. Krissa met his gaze and he felt her encouragement.

Nate wanted to say no. “Okay, then.”

They made arrangements to meet the next morning in the restaurant of the hotel where he and Krissa were staying. When everyone had gone, Nate turned to Krissa. “I guess we should go.”

Her eyes met his. He knew they were both thinking the same thing, both thinking about what was going to happen next. His skin tightened and tingled and his groin ached. Sex with Krissa had been in the back of his mind all night, adding an edge to the excitement he’d been feeling.

“Yes,” she said.

He let Krissa drive to the hotel, averting his eyes from glaring headlights. They let the valet take the vehicle and walked through the elegant lobby. The boutique hotel’s décor was retro-chic, with fifties-style furniture sitting atop shag carpet. Dark wood paneled the walls, and floor lamps with huge cylindrical shades provided ambient light.

“That was fun,” Krissa said with a sigh as they walked into their room. She set the little envelope she called a purse on the dark wood dresser.

“It was unbelievable.”

“Are you glad you came?”

He nodded slowly. “I guess so. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. Except…sorry about my family showing up.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s nice that they came. Didn’t you know they were coming?”

“I put them on the invitation list, but that was six months ago. I’d forgotten all about it.”

“Nate?” Krissa perched on the edge of a chocolate brown tub chair.

“Mmm?” He shrugged out of the jacket, laid it over the back of another chair.

“Have you really not talked to your family for two years?”

“I’ve talked to them.”

She gave him a look, chin down, eyes up.

“On the phone,” he continued, undoing the button of the white shirt he wore loose and untucked under the jacket. “A few times.”

“Nate, that’s awful.”

“I know.” He removed the shirt.

“Why?”

“I just couldn’t face it all. After Lauren died.”

“But Nate…they’re your family. Family can help at a time like that. Why would you cut yourself off from a support group like that, when you were going though something so tough?”

Because…the words stuck in his throat. He stared at her, so beautiful in the glow of the floor lamp beside the chair. It cast a circle of illumination around her, gleaming off her dark hair, her glowing face, making her the focal point of the room. “I know it was wrong,” he said hoarsely. He ran a hand through his hair. “I had my reasons. Do we have to talk about this now?”

He moved closer to her. “There are other things I’d rather be doing.”

Her pupils expanded, darkening those green eyes watching him.

“Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?”

“You are totally deflecting me.”

“Yes, I totally am.” He reached for her hands and drew her out of the chair to stand in front of him. Their bodies brushed together. She gazed at him wide eyed. “You look gorgeous. I love this dress.” He fingered the silky bow between her breasts. “If I undo this, will the dress fall off?”

She laughed softly. “No. There’s a zipper on the side. The bow is just for show.”

“Ah. I kept wondering about that all night.” He slid a finger under the top edge of bodice, felt the swell of her breast, hear her soft intake of breath.

“It was fun to get dressed up for a change.”

“Doesn’t Derek ever take you out?” He murmured the words against the side of her warm, fragrant neck. She shivered against him.

“Yes. Sometimes. Usually business things.”

He pressed his mouth there in an open-mouthed kiss, drew her flesh into his mouth in a gentle suckle. She gasped.

She put her hands on his chest, let her head fall to the side as he kissed her neck, shoulder, dragged his tongue across her collarbone.

“You taste so good,” he murmured. “And smell good. And feel good…”

She muffled a giggle. “Thank you.” She threaded her fingers into his hair and held his head as he kissed her throat. His lips paused over the pulse beating there, a quick excited flutter, her blood pulsing through her veins. He sucked the flesh gently into his mouth and she gasped. “Are you a vampire?” Her fingers tightened in his hair.

He laughed. “I vant to suck your blood.” He drew a little harder, but quickly released her, not wanting a big embarrassing hickey there in the morning for his family to see. They probably had enough ideas about what was going on between them.

He licked her throat, nipped at her jaw, drew his tongue across her soft bottom lip. A moan vibrated inside her throat. Her fingers scraped across his scalp, sending tingles showering down through his body like sparks. His hands cupped her breasts through the dress, the thin silk a fragile barrier between them.

“I was so proud of you tonight,” she said, head falling back. His hands roamed over body. “You’re so talented, Nate.”

“So are you.”

“No I’m not. I have no talent for anything.”

He drew back and frowned at her. “What? Don’t be crazy.”

She smiled faintly and shook her head. “I’m just being honest. You know me—jumping from one job to the next.”

“You obviously have a talent for what you’re doing now. Big new clients. Gemini. The city of Santa Barbara. Krissa, be proud of yourself, of what you’re doing.”

She stared at him wide-eyed. Blinked. “Thank you, Nate. No one has ever said that to me before.”

She had to be kidding. She was so smart and caring and warm. Everyone loved her.

He shook his head, kissed her tenderly on the mouth, trying to show her with actions the feelings he couldn’t put into words. He wrapped his arms around her, kissed her deeply, felt her arms slide around his neck. He wanted to be closer to her, as close as they could be. He shoved the dress up around her hips, and with his hands beneath her ass, he lifted her against him. She wound her legs around him, clutching his head as he carried her like that to the bed.

“Nate!” She gasped as he tossed her onto the bed and she bounced gently on the creamy duvet. Her skirt was up around her hips, exposing her long sleek legs and a flash of black lace panty. Her mouth was swollen, eyes sparkling, hair mussed.

“Christ, you’re sexy.” His fingers went to the button of his jeans.

“Oh, stop.” She rose onto her knees, watching him.

“Huh?” He stood there bare-chested, fingers at his fly.

“I want to undress you. I’ve never done that.”

“Oh.” He smiled. “Okay.”

She scrambled off the bed, brushed her hands over his chest, lingering to rub over each nipple, and sharp sensations moved over his skin at her touch. Urgency rose in him, the need to take her immediately, to be inside her.

Then she undid his pants, lowered the zipper slowly, and gently pushed them to the floor. He stepped out of them, pushing his socks off too and let her touch him through the soft cotton of his briefs. His erection throbbed and stretched the fabric. He gritted his teeth, closed his eyes as she went to her knees in front of him.

“Krissa.”

“Mmm?” She laid her cheek against his hard cock, eyes closed. Fingers stroked, then she kissed him through the cotton.

“I can’t take…much more…we have to make sure…”

“Oh, but I don’t want to rush!” She stroked him again, pressed her nose there and took in a big breath. Fuck! Pressure gathered and built in his spine, his balls drew up tight.

If he came before he got inside her…

He reached down and hauled her to her feet. He grabbed handfuls of the dress and hiked it up, found her little thong underwear and with two fingers, yanked hard and ripped them on one side.

“Nate!” Her shocked gasp inflamed him even more, his blood surging hot and urgent through his veins and especially into his dick. So close, so close…he threw her down onto the bed, wishing he could be more gentle, take his time, but Christ, his orgasm was building higher and he was dangerously close to coming.

He came down over her, roughly, shoving her dress up, pushing into her hot pussy. She was wet, thank God, and her cries of surprise, her hands clutching at him, urged him on.

He pushed into her once, twice, three times and then he exploded, heat and light surrounding him, her wet warmth hugging his cock. She lifted her legs, clenched his hips with her thighs, and he felt the sting of her fingernails on his ass as she pressed up to meet his orgasm.

“Krissa. Krissa.” He poured himself into her in hard, hot jets, shuddering through a blinding climax. There wasn’t even time to make her satisfied, and he always tried to make sure she came first. He grunted and gasped through his release, the vague thought flickering through his mind that he’d make it up to her later. But right now—he was out of control, lost, buried balls deep in her, shooting his seed into her—and he loved it.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Six

Krissa wondered if her silk dress had survived that. It thrilled her that he wanted her so much he went crazy with it, couldn’t wait to be inside her. It made her melt and tremble inside.

She smiled and stretched, turned her head to study Nate. “Wow,” she said. “That was hot.”

He opened one eye, but didn’t move. “Sorry.”

She laughed. “You’re apologizing? I just said it was hot.”

“You didn’t come. I always make you come first.”

He always did.

As his words seeped in, the intimation of a history, of a relationship, made her heart swell in her chest to the point of stinging her eyes.

“That’s okay,” she choked out.

He rolled towards her. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

He studied her, but said nothing. “I’ll make you come again. I’ll make you come so many times you won’t remember your own name.”

She smiled with trembling lips. “No worries.” She slid her hand down over her tummy and between her legs. She needed to come so bad. Nate’s eyes flew open and he made a low, rough sound.

Her fingers slid through the liquid overflowing between her legs, her cream combined with his semen. She was so wet. God. She closed her eyes, rubbed her cream over her clit, throbbing and swollen. She drew in a long breath, which pushed her breasts up, the tips aching, held the air in her lungs while she fingered herself. She felt the beginning of the orgasm, reached for it, let it build, higher and higher. Her thighs fell wider, she breathed in tiny pants, still holding her breath in expanded lungs. Sweetness coiled tighter inside her and then burst, a flare of heat, a shower of sparks through her body, leaving languor and weakness in their wake.

Drifting on a haze of pleasure, she became aware of Nate beside her. She turned her head toward him, opened her eyes and smiled. He watched her intently.

The orgasm relieved some of the tension she’d been feeling all day. Anticipation of the night they were about to spend together—alone—had kept her on edge, arousal and guilt colliding inside her.

But why should she feel guilty? Her husband knew she was here, knew who she was with and knew exactly what they were doing. He approved of it. Could it be considered cheating?

It was just the fact that she and Nate were on their own. This was the first time they’d ever had sex—intercourse—just the two of them. And then they’d both been so overcome by intense sexual need that he’d ripped her panties right off her and she’d had to give herself a fast, hard orgasm. Urgent hunger had temporarily obliterated any thoughts of anyone but the two of them, any emotions besides explosive lust and panting need.

They turned onto their sides and faced each other. Nate cupped the curve of her hip with his hand and she flattened her hand on his chest, felt his heart thudding slow and strong beneath her palm. They lay like that for a long time, just looking at each other.

Krissa reached for his face, stroked his whiskery cheek and jaw with the backs of her fingers, brushed her fingertips across his mouth. His eyes darkened, and his lips parted. She slipped her fingertips inside, stroked across his tongue.

Heat built inside her again, low in her belly. Nate’s hand stroked over her hip and thigh, up to her waist, up under her armpit. Shivery tingles swept out from his touch.

“Mmm. Ticklish.”

“No, I’m not.”

The corners of his mouth tipped up. Then his fingers darted up under her arm. She squealed and rolled away from him. Laughing, he rolled onto her, pinned her down, both hands delving into her underarms, then her waist. She gasped, laughed, twisted beneath him. “Stop! Stop!”

He stopped. He stared down at her, both of them giddy and breathless, then kissed her. His mouth covered hers, moved over hers, pushed her mouth open to take her in. His tongue stroked, teeth nipped her bottom lip. She kissed him back with everything she had, wrapped her arms around him and one leg, too. She moaned, arched against him, needed him again. “Nate, oh Nate.”

He hardened against her and she had to admire his recovery. They rolled together across the wide bed, mouths fused, bodies joined. Her pussy pulsed with need, thick, heavy, aching need, and she rubbed against him, seeking what she wanted. A groan rumbled from his throat. He fisted his hands in her hair, held her head for his long, drugging kisses. She rolled her hips against him in an instinctive, erotic rhythm until he shoved a hand between them to find his cock and pushed into her.

A long sigh of delight floated out of her mouth as he filled her. He rose up, pushed her knees up and back, opening her wide to him. She gazed down their bodies to where they joined, his thick dark pubic hair meeting her bare pussy. With every down stroke, he touched a tender place deep inside her that was exquisitely sensitive, then dragged out of her against the pull of her pussy on his hard length.

“Sweet, Krissa. So sweet.”

His hands held her beneath her knees, pushed them to her chest as he drove into her. His body gleamed in the lamplight, chiseled muscles, his face dark and tight with desire. She met his thrusts with her own, needing a deeper touch, but with each push sensation flared from her womb and she cried out. Her fingers twisted in the duvet. Her eyes wanted to close but she kept them focused on Nate, although his image glimmered through a haze of tears.

He released one knee and thumbed her clit, sensitized and swollen.

“I love making you come,” he breathed. His intense gaze pinned her to the bed, held her captive. “Love making you feel good, baby.”

She could only whimper a response as the magic of his thumb on her clit combined with the rapture his cock provoked in her womb, the two sensations melding into sublime bliss. Pleasure streaked through her body as heat coiled inside her, low, deep, scorching. It flared hotter, higher.

“Come for me, Krissa.” Nate’s tight jaw compressed the words. “Come with me.”

“Yes.” She let go, let herself fly, felt him pour himself inside her in hot, thick pulses. He groaned, held her pussy, pressed into her, and his eyes fell closed. She let her own drift shut, gave herself over to the enchantment torching her body. Her orgasm went on and on, his fingers on her clit drawing it out, her pussy clenching on his cock.

“You tried to distract me earlier, but I’m not going to let it go.”

“Mmm? Let what go?” His drowsy voice vibrated in his chest where her head lay. She played with the fine line of hair just below his navel.

“Why you haven’t seen your parents for two years.”

His body tensed beneath her. She flattened her palm over his lower abdomen, the wiry curls there tickling the edge of her hand. He drew in a slow breath, let it out even slower.

“There’s something I haven’t told you. About Lauren.”

She kept her head down, sensing it was better for him if she didn’t look at him while he talked. Her hand rubbed gently back and forth over his smooth firm skin, rough hair.

“Lauren was pregnant when she died.”

Now her head snapped up. “Pregnant?” She blinked at him.

“Yes.” His eyes closed against her searching gaze. “We’d just found out a couple of weeks before. We hadn’t told anybody. Wanted to wait a while make sure everything was okay.”

She gave a jerky nod. She felt seized by…fear. Anxiety. Jealousy? Emotions churned inside her.

“But…”

“Yeah. Big ‘but’.” He rubbed his eyes. “I already told you she’d been having an affair. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I was all happy and proud…excited to be a father, but also scared shitless.”

She nodded again.

“When I read her journal after the accident, she talked about her lover. About how—how she didn’t know who the father was. How she’d talked to him about that. What they were going to do.” His voiced deepened. “I’ll never know if that was my baby, Krissa.”

Pain stabbed through her heart. “Oh, Nate.” She stared at him in horror.

“I couldn’t deal with that. After the funeral, everyone was so sympathetic. They kept talking about how wonderful Lauren was, how much she loved me, blah blah blah. I couldn’t stand it. I just…couldn’t.” His voice cracked. “So I left. I just wanted to get away from anyone who knew about it, anyone who knew Lauren. I couldn’t tell anyone how goddamn pissed off I was at her…” The words came out rough and gritty. He squeezed his eyes shut. “How much I hated her for what she’d done. I couldn’t tell people that. I couldn’t tell people how guilty I felt for hating her—she was dead. It was so hard to keep it inside me every time they talked about what an angel she was.”

Krissa moved over him, laid her cheek against his rough one, put her hand on his neck. She pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, wished with everything inside her she could make that pain go away for him, wished he’d never had to endure that.

What could she say to him? She, too, had thought Lauren perfect, faithful, in love with her husband. She, too, felt betrayed by Lauren’s infidelity, her shocking, sordid secret affair. And now, that she’d maybe even been pregnant by another man, while married to Nate. Dear God.

And if the baby had been his, how tragic. Well, it was tragic no matter whose baby it was…but she felt Nate’s despair as if it were her own, sharp and deep. And he would never know the truth now.

Her tears wet both their faces and she kissed his mouth, tasted salt, stroked the hot skin of his neck and jaw. Desire to comfort him swelled inside her, engulfing her, a wrenching helplessness dragged at her. Words of comfort and love rose to her lips.

But she couldn’t say them. She could only show him how she felt with her mouth, her hands and her welcoming body.

They made love again, this time slow, lush and impassioned. When Nate moved down her body to kiss her between her legs, she felt as though he were worshipping her. His small, suckling kisses over her sensitive folds held reverence and awe. His gentle licks and sighing breaths against her clit spoke of care and tenderness. Tears filled her eyes even as an agonizingly sweet tension tightened in her, a swelling heat. Everything inside her constricted, pulled up, up, up into a sharp peak of excitement and when she came, she came hard and long. Shudders wracked her body, and she held his head at her pussy while pleasure exploded through her veins. She cried out, bit her lip to keep words from spilling out of her.

When he moved over her, Krissa pushed him to his back and poured everything she felt into each stroke of his face, every caress, her clasp of his erection. She took her time to explore his body, every dip and hollow, every hard muscle and strong bone, with her mouth, her lips, her tongue. She inhaled his scent, warm and male, licked his balls, tasted his cock. She pressed kisses to his quivery belly, sucked and licked at his sharp nipples. When she moved over him and they came together, a shimmer of white heat surrounded them. Their eyes met and held, Krissa on top, riding him, hands on his chest, taking him deep.

The connection between them sparkled and flashed, a coalescence of intense emotions neither of them could—or would—name. Krissa swallowed the words that rose up in her throat, let them shine through her eyes instead.

She cried when she came, tears stinging her eyes, tracking down her face. She blinked through them, wanting to watch Nate, looking for a reflection of her feelings, and when she saw it, she lost her breath, lost her mind, lost her heart.

In the morning, when she awoke, she watched Nate sleep. He was so beautiful. She studied the slant of his thick eyebrows, the full curve of his lower lip, the perfect wedge of his nose. Something inside her soul was tearing in a long, painful rip, the pain almost making her gasp. Her eyes still gritty from last night’s tears, she refused to weep again.

He shifted in the bed, and his eyes fluttered open and found hers. They gazed at each other. She sensed him holding back, felt the emotion gripping him too. When his mouth opened to speak, she put her hand over it. Her eyes remonstrated him, begged him, stopped him.

When pain darkened his eyes and he closed them, she rolled away. She lay on her back, stared with burning eyes at the ceiling, then got up and went into the bathroom.

While Nate had breakfast with his family in the hotel restaurant, she left the hotel and walked the sidewalk sightlessly. After a couple of blocks, she realized she was in front of a small coffee shop, so she went in and ordered coffee and a muffin. She sat in the front window, the morning sun warming her chilled body. She didn’t taste the coffee as she sipped it, ignored the muffin.

Was it possible to love two men?

She crumbled the muffin as she pulled it in half, then stared out the window blindly. She was married. Her marriage wasn’t perfect, but she loved her husband. She had to love her husband. But now Nate had entered their lives—no, more than that. He’d entered her heart.

And her world had transfigured into a bewildering tangle she couldn’t begin to unsnarl.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Nate and Derek sat on the deck that evening while Krissa worked on dinner in the kitchen. Nate itched to be inside with her, helping her, laughing with her, debating over whether to steam or roast the vegetables, reliving the excitement of the show the evening before.

“So,” Derek said. “This is great that your eyes are better. You’re probably dying to get back to your photography.”

“Yeah.” Except…he wasn’t.

On the drive home that afternoon, he’d been amazed to realize that he didn’t need the sunglasses. He wore them anyway, because it was California and it was sunny, but he could take them off and only feel a minor prickle. He should have been ecstatic. He was happy. All along, that’s all he’d wanted. He’d been demolished to think he may never be able to take photographs again.

Yeah, it was a huge fucking relief to know that his eyes were going to be okay. They still weren’t a hundred percent but they were a helluva lot better. And yet—the idea of leaving again was about as appealing as having open-heart surgery.

“We need to check into the sperm donor thing,” Derek said. “See if you can still do that. Just in case.”

Nate gave a crooked smile. “Yeah. Just in case. Just in case I’m shooting blanks, too. Who knows?”

“You know you aren’t,” Derek said. “You got Lauren pregnant.”

Nate opened his mouth to reply. He paused with his coffee mug half way to his mouth.

Everything slowed…faded away…stopped.

He stared at Derek. What the fuck?

“What did you say?”

Derek turned his face back from gazing out at the ocean and met Nate’s eyes. Nate could actually see the horrified realization sliding over him—his eyes widen, then narrow, his mouth open, then close.

“Uh…”

Nate rose slowly to his feet. “How the hell would you know Lauren was pregnant?”

“You…uh…told me.”

Nate shook his head. “No. We hadn’t told anyone. She didn’t tell anybody. Except the man she was screwing around with.”

Derek’s face reddened. His eyes shifted sideways.

“Jesus Christ.” Nate just stared at Derek. His mind reeled. His lungs froze and his vision grew dark.

“I can’t believe this,” he muttered. He rubbed his face, shook his head. “You fucking son of a bitch. You were having an affair with my wife.”

Derek’s eyes darted to the sliding doors into the house, no doubt worried about Krissa overhearing this. “Shh,” he said.

Fury swelled up in Nate. He was shushing him?

“You…you screwed around with her. While I was in Thailand. How could you do that?”

“You’re screwing around with my wife right now.”

Nate’s chin almost hit the wooden deck. Derek was throwing that in his face? Now?

It was true. Dear God, it was true. But, Christ, it was nowhere near the same thing.

Or was it? Sharp heat flashed over him like a blowtorch.

He shook his head slowly. “You fucking asshole. You asked me to screw your wife.”

“How did you know Lauren was having an affair?” Derek asked, brows drawn together. “Did she tell you?”

Nate glared at him with disgust. “No. She never told me. After she died, I read her journal. She had written pages and pages about the man she was in love with. Pages about what they’d done, what they’d said. How they’d talked about her being pregnant and whether it was his or my baby.” He laughed mirthlessly. “I guess we know the answer to that question now.”

“Uh…yeah.” Derek’s face crumpled. He covered it with his hands. “Jesus.”

“Yeah. All these years of wondering.”

“You weren’t the only one wondering,” Derek said heavily. “Do you know how guilty I felt because I may have knocked up someone else and couldn’t even get my own wife pregnant?”

Nate stared at him. “I’m supposed to feel sorry for you? Are you out of your mind?”

Derek grimaced.

“That was my wife you could have ‘knocked up’,” Nate ground out, his throat tight and aching. “But now we know it wasn’t you. Now I know I had a child who died in that car crash along with my wife. Fuck!”

He thrust his hands into his hair, held his skull and turned away from Derek. This could not be happening. This was a bad dream. Not real.

Then he thought about Krissa. “You haven’t told Krissa, have you?”

“No. Of course not.” There was a pause. “You’re not…”

Nate swung around and studied his friend contemptuously. “That woman is so incredible—she’s sweet and loving and beautiful. She lives to please you, Derek. She’d do anything for you.” His lip curled as he recalled the things she’d done. “Anything. And you did that to her. Christ.” He shook his head.

“I love her,” Derek said hoarsely. “Don’t tell her. Please, Nate.”

Nate gazed at him for a long moment. A million thoughts ran through his mind.

And he knew then—he loved her too.

He should tell Krissa. She should know the truth about her husband. About her marriage.

But how could he do that to her? She loved Derek, was committed to her marriage and to the child she could be carrying even now.

At that moment, Nate’s gut churned and he had to swallow hard several times, saliva accumulating in his mouth.

“This isn’t the only time you’ve cheated on her, is it?” It was a bad feeling he’d had since he’d arrived in Montecito. “Never mind.” He held up a hand. “Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”

He shook his head again, trying to clear it, walked to the railing of the deck and gazed out at the ocean. Big puffs of white scudded across the evening sky. The wind roughened the ocean, deepened the waves crashing onto shore below them. He gripped the railing so tightly he felt the wood digging into his palms.

Then he turned, had to get away from Derek, ran down the stairs to the beach. His feet clattered on the wooden steps until he hit the sand, and he almost staggered as his feet sank into the softness. He took long, uneven steps over the beach till he reached the smooth firmness of wet sand. He gulped in the sea air, tipped his head back, pushed a hand through his hair.

What the fuck was he supposed to do?

He walked until he reached his rock, sank down onto it, cool and hard beneath his ass. He faced the ocean, but didn’t see it. The breeze blew his hair back off his face but he barely noticed it. He leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees, held his head in his hands. If he’d thought he’d felt pain and betrayal when Lauren had died, it was nothing compared to this. And it wasn’t even for himself that he felt the worst. He ached for Krissa.

He tried to weigh things in his mushy mind, tried to make sense of it. He couldn’t help the thought that if Krissa knew about Derek and Lauren, she’d leave Derek. She could be his. His alone.

Hope and excitement leaped in him at the thought.

He loved her. He wanted to be with her, always. If she knew Derek was screwing around on her, she’d leave him. They could be together, just the two of them. Fuck Derek.

He turned that possibility over and over in his mind for long, pleasurable moments.

Then he faced reality. She was married. She loved her husband. She and Derek had survived the last two years without her knowing. They could probably spend the rest of their lives together without him ever having to confess what he’d done. And if she never knew…it wouldn’t hurt her.

How could he be the one to tell her Derek was a lying, cheating asshole?

He stared at a boat, way out near the horizon. It bobbed on the water, seemingly unmoving. He watched it. Measured its progress against one of the oil rigs. Yes. It was moving. Slowly, but it was moving. He stared at it until it had moved a considerable distance.

Clouds raced past the sun, shifting him from light to dark and back to light again. He idly noted that even when the sun came out it didn’t hurt his eyes. Great.

He should be ecstatic. He was finally getting what he wanted ever since he’d gotten sick in Costa Rica. Ever since he’d arrive in Montecito, he’d wanted his eyes to get better so he could leave and get on with his life. His miserable, lonely life.

He blew out a long breath, still amazed at the pain deep inside him, the empty crater that was his gut.

He had to leave.

He sat there a while longer, wishing he could think of some other way. He couldn’t tell Krissa, and there was no way he could stay there with the two of them in this cozy threesome with the loathing and disgust he now felt toward Derek. He could never pull that off.

What about the baby?

Did he still want to do that? Of course, it might be too late. She could already be pregnant. He closed his eyes, mouth as dry as if he’d picked up a handful of sand and swallowed it. After last month, he didn’t have as much hope that they’d been successful this time. Likely not. His only chance at being a father had probably died in that freeway crash two years ago.

He put a hand to his chest. Fuck, it hurt. Why did it hurt so much, now, thinking about that? Thinking about Lauren and their baby. About her betrayal. And now…finding out his best friend had done something so heinous—cheated on his own wife, with Nate’s wife, betraying both of them. Jesus.

He heaved himself off the rock, feeling heavy and stiff, and headed back to the house with jerky, uneven steps. He stopped to look down at some seaweed washed ashore, a tangled black mess, complicated and impossible to unravel without breaking it up.

He climbed the stairs to the house on shaky legs. Derek still sat on the deck. Nate paused, shot him a glance, his heart constricting. Then he continued into the house, through the sliding doors. Krissa stood in the kitchen, doing something with some food at the counter. He ignored her, didn’t want to see her, didn’t want her to see him, and headed straight up to his room and shut the door.

He hadn’t even unpacked the bag he’d taken to L.A., but he had other clothes in the closet, in the dresser. He shoved clothing into another bag, not caring how he packed. He balled up a pair of jeans and stuffed them in, then strode into his bathroom to gather his toiletries. He stared at himself in the mirror, for once not wearing the damn ugly glasses. He looked…naked without them. Vulnerable. Pain and betrayal stared back at him.

When his gear was packed, he dragged it out into the kitchen. Krissa was setting the table for dinner, wearing a pair of long shorts that made her calves below their hems look adorably small and smooth, and a long-sleeved hooded sweater. She looked up at him and smiled, and the sweetness and love in that smile sucked all the air out of his lungs. He couldn’t breathe. He stopped.

He watched her face cloud as she took in his bags, her smile faltering.

Derek came to the sliding door and opened it, stepped in. He, too, looked pale and strained as he observed Nate’s stuff.

“I have to go.” Nate’s voice sounded weird to him, rough and sandy. He struggled for control of his raging emotions. He took a step toward Krissa, stopped. He forced a smile. “My eyes are almost better, so I have to get back to work.”

He watched expressions flicker across her face—her lips parted, she blinked at him.

“Now? You’re leaving right now?”

His whole body tightened. He wasn’t even sure if he could get the word out past the obstruction in his throat. “Yeah.”

Her mouth opened wider along with her eyes. “I don’t understand. Why do you have to go tonight?”

“I…” He resisted glancing at Derek. His lips twisted into what he hoped was a smile. “Sorry for the short notice, Krissa. I’ve been thinking about it all the way back from L.A.”

“No.” She pressed her lips together. She glanced at Derek, then back at Nate. She shook her head, moved toward him, one hand extended. God, if she touched him he was going to come apart. He saw the confusion and pain in her eyes, and it sliced through him like a blade. “I don’t want you to go,” she whispered.

“I know this changes the whole baby plan,” Nate said, striving for lightness in his voice. “I’m sorry about that.”

She stared at him, green eyes huge and dusky. Long dark lashes framed her eyes, giving her a starry-eyed look. She still moved her head slowly from side to side. “But…but, Nate. We…” Her gaze went to her husband again.

“I’m sorry,” Nate choked.

He could see her trembling. He could feel her distress. He sensed how she wanted to beg, plead…even argue with him. And damn it, hadn’t he been encouraging her to fight for what she wanted? But not now. If she tried to stop him from leaving, he’d fall apart.

He wanted to kiss her goodbye. Hold her one more time. He wasn’t sure if he had the strength to ever let her go, if he did. But he had to feel her one last time, so he closed the distance between them, took her in his arms and wrapped her up in them. He held her small frame like that, pressed his face to her cool, silky hair, inhaled the scent of the peachy shampoo she used that would be forever imprinted in his olfactory memory as Krissa.

He opened his eyes, met Derek’s, saw pain there too. Good.

He drew back, tipped Krissa’s face up. Oh, Christ.

The anguish in her tear-sparkled green eyes cut into him, all the way to his soul, the deepest, most searing agony he’d ever experienced. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and he bent his head to kiss her mouth, one lingering, gentle kiss. Then he released her, and stepped back to get his bags. His eyes burned and he lowered his head so Krissa wouldn’t see.

“Thanks for everything,” he choked out. “I…” He didn’t know what else to say. He’d said he was sorry, although she had no idea how sorry he was. He couldn’t tell her what the last few months had meant to him, what she meant to him…couldn’t say any of the things that spun around in his head. So, knowing he looked like an ungrateful jerk, he grabbed his gear and walked out the door.

It was the baby. That’s why she was so upset about him leaving. Because, one more time, he was taking away her chance at being a mother. Another knife stabbed into his chest.

He had to get out of there before he completely fell apart. He was unraveling, little by little, faster and faster. He’d felt this way since the first night he and Krista had had sex. The coming apart had started then, inexorably rolling along like a ball of string down a hill. All he could think of was getting away from there, maybe finding a motel room somewhere and checking in, and then disintegrating into a puddle of grief where nobody could witness his humiliation.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Krissa stood in the middle of the bright kitchen, frozen and empty. The smell of the garlic chicken she’d been grilling suddenly nauseated her.

Nate was gone?

She shook her head. How could this be? Her shaky legs weakened beneath her, and she stumbled over to a chair at the table and sank onto it. She couldn’t breathe, her lungs constricted, her abdomen tight.

How could he do that? How could he just walk away from what they had?

What did they have? That was a question she wasn’t sure she could answer. There were so many things she didn’t know. But one thing she did know was that she didn’t want to live without Nate. She didn’t know how to live with him, in this weird situation, but she knew she wanted him in her life. And he’d just walked out.

“Krissa.”

She blinked and looked up at Derek, standing there wan and troubled. She’d forgotten about him.

“Did something happen?” she asked him slowly. He looked almost as upset as she was.

“No.”

“I don’t get it.” Her voice trembled, her lips quivered. She wanted to break down into tears but was suddenly aware that this was her husband standing there. “Why would he leave like that?”

“I don’t know.” Derek’s voice sounded stretched thin. He put out his arms. “Come here.”

She looked at him. She couldn’t bear to accept comfort from him at that moment. And even though she knew it was wrong, she stood up and turned her back on him and went to their bedroom.

She closed the door and lay down on the bed. Every muscle in her body felt sapped of energy, weak and lifeless. She couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. Could only feel the agony cramping her tummy, throbbing in her heart.

Derek came to the door a while later. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been laying there.

“I know you’re disappointed,” he said. “I am too. And I’m kind of pissed off at Nate that he’d just take off like that.”

“He has a life of his own,” she said dully, not looking at Derek.

“We’d agreed that he would try…I tried to tell him that we could still go the donation route, if he didn’t want to stick around. He wouldn’t even talk about it.”

She just stared at the ceiling, eyes burning. For the first time in ages, having a baby wasn’t the most important thing in her life. At that moment, with Nate gone, she didn’t even care anymore. Nothing seemed important.

“It doesn’t matter.” She rolled onto her side, facing away from him.

“Krissa…”

“Please. Just leave me alone.”

She felt his presence, still and silent, then heard quiet footsteps cross the room and the snick of the door closing.

Many hours later, she finally roused herself enough to get out of bed. To her astonishment, it was dark. The house was hushed. Wandering into the kitchen for a glass of water, she realized Derek had gone out.

A twinge of guilt nudged her conscience. She’d been rude and hurtful earlier. He didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t his fault this had happened.

The cold water eased the ache in her throat. She found some painkillers and swallowed them, rubbed the thumping between her eyes. She looked at the chicken still sitting on the counter, cold and repellent. She opened the fridge with the vague idea that she should eat something. Nothing appealed to her. She looked in the freezer. Ice cream. Perfect.

But when she removed the lid, the container was empty.

Men. Which of those two macho idiots had put the empty container away? She was always bugging them—the empty milk carton appeared in the fridge, the empty peanut butter jar sat in the cupboard, and when she went to run the dishwasher she found an empty box of dishwasher detergent.

She sighed, tears prickling her eyes. She could go get ice cream. It didn’t seem worth the bother, but ice cream was all she wanted. She could drive up to the Dairy Delight on Coast Village Road and get her favorite mocha chocolate chip.

She didn’t care what she looked like, so she just grabbed her car keys and let herself out of the house.

Long line-ups waited patiently at the Dairy Delight, as was usual on a warm summer evening. The couple in front of her stood with their arms around each other, and the guy nuzzled the girl’s hair and whispered in her ear. Krissa watched them.

They looked like they had a normal life. Two people in love, out for ice cream. The ache inside her intensified and she almost walked out of the ice cream shop. But she forced herself to stand there and wait for ice cream she didn’t even want any more.

With her double scoop of mocha chocolate chip ice cream in a waffle cone in hand, she emerged onto the sidewalk. She stood there beneath the glow of a street lamp, ran her tongue over the creamy cold ice cream. Sweet.

She meandered down the street to where she’d parked her car at the curb. Across was a pub she and Derek used to go to with the best strawberry margaritas in the world. They hadn’t been there in a long time.

A man and a woman came out the door of the pub. Krissa stopped.

It was Derek.

Who was he with?

Krissa stepped behind a planter overflowing with red and purple petunias. She watched her husband put his arm around the woman’s waist and lead her down the steps to the sidewalk. Her blonde hair hung straight to her waist. A tight, low-cut top revealed generous cleavage and her high-heeled slides brought her almost to Derek’s height. Pretty, in a slutty way, Krissa observed numbly.

On the sidewalk, the woman laughed at something, turned to Derek and kissed him on the mouth. And he kissed her back, his hand sliding around to her ass in a snug pair of bright pink Capri pants.

The ice cream plopped from Krissa’s hand to the brick sidewalk. She ignored it, stared open-mouthed at her husband passionately kissing another woman.

Lost and Found

Chapter Twenty-Nine

It would probably take her a year to sort out the confused thoughts and feelings eddying in her head. Maybe it would take forever. She only knew that the few hours between when she’d seen Derek outside The Jolly Frog pub and when he arrived home were not enough to sort out exactly how she felt and what she should do about it.

Maybe she should have confronted him then and there, with that woman, but her first instinct had been to retreat, to run away from the ugliness. Once before she had been in denial about Derek’s fidelity, had let it go, pretended it hadn’t happened, but…not this time.

When Derek came quietly into the house, she was sitting in the living room. She’d finished off a bottle of wine. Never mind ice cream. Wine sounded much better when she’d gotten home. When the thought that she could be pregnant crossed her mind, she pushed it away. After so long, it just wasn’t meant to happen. Wasn’t going to happen. She might as well accept that and move on with things.

Move on with what?

Derek spotted her sitting in the dark, wine glass in her hand, and stopped. “Hi.”

“Hi.” The first thing she wanted to say was, where were you? But she wasn’t going to act like a wronged wife. Because she was still worried that she wasn’t exactly in the right, her feelings for Nate troubling and confusing.

“You’re still up.”

“Yes.”

He walked over to the couch and sat beside her. She could smell alcohol, cigarettes and perfume…a scent she’d smelled before. A fist inside her squeezed tighter.

She lifted the glass to her mouth, tipped it and drained the last mouthful of Chardonnay.

“I saw you.”

He looked at her, blinked. His short blonde hair was imperfect, as if he’d tried to neaten it with his fingers. “You saw me?”

“Outside the Jolly Frog.”

He said nothing.

“Who is she, Derek?”

He looked away, his mouth tight. “Nobody.”

“Clearly, she is. You’ve seen her before. I recognize her perfume.”

“She’s another agent. A new one.”

Krissa nodded. This all felt like a dream. Like it was happening in slow motion. “How long have you been having an affair with her?”

“I’m not!”

She looked at him sadly. “Derek. Don’t lie about this. Enough shit has happened. Let’s not lie anymore. To each other. To ourselves.”

“It’s not an affair,” he repeated. “Okay, yeah, I’ve seen her before. But it’s not like we have a relationship.”

“Why?”

At first she wasn’t sure if he understood her question. He leaned back against the cushions, hands clenched at his side. She carefully set the empty glass down on the table in front of her.

“Why now? Or why, ever?”

“Both.”

He took a breath, blew it out. “I saw the look on your face today. When Nate left.”

“Yes.”

“You were…devastated.”

She couldn’t deny it.

She saw his throat work, saw his struggle for words. He ran a hand through his hair. “I knew then…” He stopped. “I knew we were in trouble.”

She let his words sink into her numbed mind. “We’ve been in trouble for a long time.”

He nodded, pain etched on his face. “Yeah,” he whispered.

“I wanted to be mad at you,” she said. She stared across the room. “I am mad at you. But…I slept with another man.”

“With Nate.”

“Yes.” She turned her head sharply. “Not with anyone else.”

“I know.”

“For a while, I thought maybe…it was the same thing. And I shouldn’t be mad at you because you were just doing the same thing I’d done.”

He was silent.

“But it’s not the same thing.”

Derek still said nothing.

“You didn’t really tell me why.”

He nodded. “Tonight—I needed someone. You weren’t there for me.”

She supposed that was true.

“The other time…shit.” He rubbed his eyes. “You know how hard this has been. Trying to get pregnant. All those failures. Every time, I felt like crap. You made me feel like I couldn’t give you what you wanted. Like I was a big loser.”

“I made you feel that way?” She sat up straighter.

“Hell, yeah. Fuck, I couldn’t get my own wife pregnant. I felt like I wasn’t a man. But I could—”

“Get with any other woman you wanted,” she finished bitterly. He didn’t confirm what she’d said. “The last time was the day we found out about your sperm count. You went to her…”

He nodded, closed his eyes.

“Why didn’t you come to me?” Her voice shook.

He covered his face with his hands. “I told you. You made feel like a useless piece of shit.”

Her heart squeezed so hard she thought she might be having a heart attack. She put a hand to her chest and rubbed, tried to breathe.

“It’s hard on a man,” he continued hoarsely. “To be told you’re not really a man.”

“It was hard on me!” She grabbed his hands and yanked them away from his face, wanting him to look at her. “It was hard on both of us! But I didn’t blame you!”

“I felt like you did.”

“Oh my God.” She stared at him. “What did I…” Had she blamed him for their problems? She’d always felt like he’d blamed her. Like she was the problem. She couldn’t get pregnant, and it was her fault they were even putting themselves through that, because she was the one who wanted a baby so badly. When they’d found out it was Derek, she hadn’t blamed him for that…had she?

She put her fingertips to her eyes and pressed. The pounding in her head increased. Her fingers came away wet.

“So you went to other women to make yourself feel like a man again.”

“I wasn’t thinking about it like that. But…I guess that’s it. I’m sorry, Krissa. I truly am. I love you.” His voice splintered.

She shook her head. “I don’t think you do.”

“I do, Krissa, believe me, I do.”

“You wouldn’t do that if you loved me,” she said slowly. “And you wouldn’t have let me sleep with another man if you loved me.”

“That was…Christ. I didn’t realize what a mistake that was going to be. I just thought you two would…”

“Fuck?” she provided helpfully, harshly.

“Well, yeah. I thought it was a way to give you what you want, and I…wanted to…”

“I know. You wanted to watch. It turned you on seeing me with another man, didn’t it?”

His mouth a hard line, eyes shadowed, he gave a short nod.

“Did it ease your guilt? About screwing around on me? Watching me with another man?”

“Oh, hell, Krissa. I don’t…” The words tore from his throat. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

Her lips pursed and her eyes stung. It hurt to swallow.

“I saw the look on your face when Nate left this afternoon,” he said again. “You’ve fallen in love with him, haven’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

They sat there, silence building around them, the house dark and silent, the only sound the rasp of Derek’s breathing.

“How many times have you screwed around?” she asked him. “I know of twice. Was there more?”

He shook his head.

“There must have been.” She remembered having this conversation once before in their marriage and him denying it. “Two years ago. I asked you then…you said no. But you were, weren’t you?”

He turned his head away.

“Derek. That was before we’d even gotten into the whole pregnancy mess. Did you even cheat before then?” Her voice rose to a squeak.

“No.”

“You did.” She leaned forward, determined to hear the truth. She put a hand on his chest and gave him a shove. “Tell me. Who was it that time?”

“I can’t.”

“What?” She grabbed his shirt in her fist and yanked. “What? Tell me! Tell me now!”

“No! Jesus, Krissa, let it go, it was a long time ago and she’s dead, for God’s sake!”

Krissa released her grip on his shirt and sat back. “She’s…dead?”

Her mind immediately connected several dots and had a picture. Two years ago. Her suspicions about an affair. Lauren’s funeral. How Derek had remained beside her coffin after everyone else had left. The desolation on his face. At the time, the extent of his grief had surprised her—but everyone had been upset about Lauren’s death.

She covered her mouth with her hands, staring at him. “Oh my God, Derek. Did you have an affair with Lauren?”

He stared back at her. “Why would you think that?” But his gaze shifted away.

“It was Lauren. I can’t believe you.” She moved away from him, shaking her head. Her breath stuck in her throat. “Oh, dear God. It was you.”

He said nothing, stood and walked to the doors overlooking the dark ocean, his back to her.

Not only had he betrayed her, he’d betrayed his best friend.

“Is that why Nate left?”

He nodded, shoulders hunched.

“I can’t believe you told him.”

“I didn’t mean to. I never meant for him to know. Lauren wanted to leave him, wanted me to leave you, but she was killed in that car accident…so I never would have told Nate.”

“Were you going to leave me?” she whispered, pain crawling over her body, cutting her open. She pressed her fingertips to her mouth.

He turned. “I don’t know.” Then, “No. I love you, Krissa. I didn’t want to leave you. She was just lonely and pissed off at Nate for leaving her alone for so long.”

“Dear sweet God.”

Her mind reeled again. Could she take any more of this? The shock and pain of these confessions sapped her strength and crippled her ability to function.

“How could you do that to him?” she whispered through her fingers, not sure if he could even hear her, but then, she didn’t expect an answer. “How could I have loved you?”

“Krissa. God, Krissa.” His voice was thick and across the room she saw the glimmer of tears on his face from the moonlight shining in the glass doors. “If it wasn’t for this whole obsession with having a baby, none of this would have happened.”

She let his words sink into her. And then…something broke inside her. Something snapped, emotion welled up inside her fierce and hot, her control ripped away. She hated conflict, hated fighting. She’d accepted the blame for everything that had gone wrong for years. For her whole life, in fact.

She was done with that. She wasn’t going to take the blame any more.

“Shut up.”

He stared back at her. She, too, rose to her feet and wrapped her arms around her waist.

“This is not my fault,” she spat at him. “You cheated on me with Lauren before any of that even started. You probably cheated before that and more times than I even know. I don’t care. You can tell me it was all my fault—that I made you feel less of a man.” Her tone scathed and she narrowed her eyes at him. “But you only felt the man you really are—a weak man, trying to blame someone else for your problems. For your sins. I never blamed you. I don’t know why you felt like that. I blamed myself.” She took a breath.

“I knew we weren’t totally together on wanting a baby. I know I wanted it more than you did. And I’m sorry more than you can know that I pushed you so hard for that.” She stopped, tears flowing now. She wiped her hands across her cheeks. “I can’t believe I loved you and lived with you all these years and didn’t even know you.”

“Krissa…”

“No.” She choked on a sob, sucked in a shaky breath. “I’m done. I hate you for judging me the way you did. I just wish I’d had the guts to tell you that sooner. I tried so hard to do what you wanted. To be what you wanted. And I hate you for making me feel like I never could.”

She heard a low rough sound that might have been a sob from Derek, and even though it hurt her, she kept going. “We’re done. I’m leaving.”

“No.”

“You can’t think we can still have a life together after all this?”

He slowly moved his head from side to side, face wet. “No,” he choked out. “I know. I knew it earlier. When Nate left and you came undone.”

“And that made it okay to go cheat on me with someone else?”

“No. It wasn’t okay. I’m just telling you why. I’m telling you how I felt. Knowing you loved someone else. Terrified that our marriage was over. That I’d pushed you into someone else’s arms because of my own guilt and stupidity. I’m hurting, too, Krissa. Just so you know.”

She sniffled in a quivery breath through her nose, then out, mouth pressed together to keep her lips from trembling. Her hands came together over her mouth and nose in an inverted V as she stared at him.

“I know. And I loved you, Derek. But—God help me—I want you to hurt, too.”

Only a horrible person would want that. Then she straightened her shoulders. She was not a horrible person. She was human. She was wounded, in pain, betrayed and heartbroken. Some day she might forgive Derek. But right now she’d admit she wanted him to hurt as much as she did.

Lost and Found

Chapter Thirty

She went to stay with Cameron. Her parents had more room in their huge mansion where she could probably stay and not even see them for an entire week, but she couldn’t go there. Couldn’t bear to feel her mother’s censure and blame for her failed marriage. She already knew her mother had been horrified at catching her and Nate together that day, had been convinced Krissa was cheating on her husband.

And Krissa had a lump of guilt deep inside her that she had been cheating on her husband.

Cameron’s house was noisy and crazy with two toddlers and a baby, although Cameron had just gone back to work. For two hours every morning, a whirlwind of frantic activity took place when Cam and Eric got the kids up, got them dressed, made breakfast, packed bags and exploded out the door.

“I’m exhausted before I even get to work,” Cam complained to Krissa one morning as she ran to change. They’d been on their way out the door when somehow one of the boys had tripped and fallen in the driveway. His nose started bleeding and he’d been crying so Cameron had scooped him up to comfort him and he’d bled all over her silk blouse.

Krissa took Benjamin to the bathroom to clean him up and get the bleeding stopped while Eric loaded Alex and Emma into the van. The least she could do while she stayed there was help. She tried to do what she could.

When everyone had left for the day and the house was blissfully quiet, she got into a routine of cleaning up the dishes Cam always left in the sink and on the counter, knowing how much it would mean to Cam to come home and not have to worry about that at the end of the day. She threw in loads of laundry, started dinner for them. She had to keep busy.

She worked. She’d retrieved her computer and her files and books from the house, set up a cramped tiny office in a storage room above Cam’s garage where she slept on a futon. She scoured the newspaper looking for cheap apartments. She had money coming in, but damn, rent was expensive. She’d need to work harder on expanding her business.

So she threw her heartbroken self into approaching new clients, spent all her time working, e-mailing and researching when she wasn’t doing training. She needed to stay busy to keep from going crazy thinking about the mess her life was in and how much she missed Nate.

He’d been there every day with her, ready to listen to her talk about a client, celebrate a success, comfort her when things went wrong. They’d talked and laughed in the kitchen as they made dinner, and one afternoon as she peeled carrots alone in Cam’s tiny kitchen, a wave of loneliness swept over her so intense she almost dropped to her knees. She clutched the edge of the counter, took deep breaths, pain ripping at her insides.

She’d get over it. Of course she would. It would just take time.

Sometimes she tortured herself wondering what her life would be like. Would she be alone forever? Would she never have the family she’d always wanted? She’d thought she’d been so close, had agonized over having a baby and meanwhile her marriage had been disintegrating around her.

After two weeks at Cam’s place, Krissa found an apartment in Summerland. It was tiny, but cute, on the second floor of a two-story white wood building near the beach. Her neighbors included a surfer dude who reminded her of Nate and Derek ten years ago, two girls who looked barely old enough to live on their own and a young newly married couple sickeningly in looooove. No, it wasn’t sickening. It was sweet. But depressing.

She had nothing, but Derek told her to take whatever she wanted from the house. She wanted nothing, but needed to survive, so Eric and a friend of his with a truck helped her load up some basic furniture and dishes and move it into the apartment. Derek thankfully had been out at the time, probably deliberately.

The apartment building had a small pool, a pretty turquoise blue surrounded by bare concrete and some cheap plastic chairs, but sometimes in the afternoon she’d take her laptop down there and sit in the sun to work. She missed living beside the ocean. The vast, seemingly endless expanse of water had always served to put her own tiny problems in perspective. The little pool just didn’t have the same effect. Although it was water, and the sun sparkling off the gentle ripples, all the mingling shades of turquoise, aqua and azure, did have a soothing effect.

When her second month’s rent was due and she realized she’d been living there a month already, the passage of time surprised her. Each day blended into the next in a blur of automation. Thankfully she kept detailed notes in her day planner or she’d never know when to show up at her clients’ offices for meetings or workshops. One full month of living alone. Cooking meals for one wasn’t the same as preparing food for others, enjoying their pleasure from it. One full month of breakfasts, lunches, dinners. One full month of…

It was then she realized the one monthly thing that hadn’t happened since she’d lived there.

She hadn’t had a period.

She froze over her checkbook. Put a hand to her stomach. How long had it been?

Her last period had been the day Nate had comforted her on the beach. That was—she thought back—over two months ago. Her periods had always been wonky, but…not that much.

Shaking inside, she got to her feet and went into the tiny bathroom, opened the cupboard doors beneath the sink. She used to buy pregnancy tests in bulk, but did she still have…yes. There was one.

She didn’t need to read the instructions. She’d used so many of them, she knew exactly what to do, but her trembling hands made handling the tester clumsy.

She waited. Five minutes took forever. She sat on the side of the bathtub, drumming her fingers in a hollow beat. She checked her watch. Drummed her fingers. Checked her watch. Time.

She looked at the tester. Blinked.

Dear lord. She was pregnant.

Pregnant!

Once again, she laid her palm against her tummy. She stood and looked at herself in the mirror.

She’d lost weight. She didn’t get the same pleasure from cooking as she did when she was feeding someone else, so she hadn’t eaten much lately. That wasn’t healthy for the baby.

She looked healthy, though. Her nose and cheeks had a few more freckles from sitting in the sun by the pool, but also a light golden tan. She’d have to take better care of herself. She’d have to go the doctor. Get an official confirmation.

What if the test was wrong?

She’d never had a false positive in all the months of checking. How cruel would it be of fate to play that trick on her? After all this time, now the last thing she could think about was a baby, and here she was knocked up? Surely to God the test was accurate.

A baby. Her eyes widened in the mirror.

Her knees went weak and she had to grip the edge of the vanity to hold herself up. But still she slid to the floor, crumpled on the bath mat, knocking one elbow against the side of the tub. She leaned there, closed her eyes, sucked in air. Emotion swelled inside her so powerfully she thought she might burst. She wrapped her arms around herself, tears pooling in her eyes then dripping down her cheeks. She bowed her head, leaned her forehead on her knees and let herself cry.

She cried for all the times she’d done the pregnancy test and the harsh disappointment she’d felt each time it was negative. She cried for the life growing inside her and the joy of creating it, of knowing she was going to have a child. And she cried for Nate. That he wasn’t here to know this. That she couldn’t share this with him.

She was all alone. Another cruel twist of fate. Finally she got what she’d wanted—and she was alone. Never mind two fathers for the baby—now she had none. She turned her head to the side and blindly reached for a towel to mop her tears, pressed the soft terry to her face, inhaled the scent of spring breeze fabric softener.

Single women had babies all the time. She could do it.

When she’d sobbed herself dry and limp, she climbed to her feet. She set the tester on the counter by the sink, unwilling to toss it in the trash, the only concrete, real evidence of the life growing inside her. She wandered into her little kitchen and poured herself a glass of milk. She’d have to drink more milk.

She sat on her couch in a daze. The joy bubbling up inside her was tempered with a dose of fear. Worry about doing this on her own. Supporting a child with her fledgling consulting business. Could she make it work for the long term? She’d never exactly had a stable career.

Was she crazy? When she’d been with Derek, she’d blithely wondered about continuing her career, money the least of her worries. Now…oh, God.

Bringing up a child on her own. What if it was a boy? He’d need a dad. He’d need someone to teach him male things.

And what about Nate?

He was the father. Biologically. He would have to know.

She closed her eyes against the pain that stabbed through her. She had no idea how to contact him. And no idea what she would even say to him. Would he be horrified? Or happy?

She would assure him nothing had changed. They’d wanted nothing from him in exchange for his sperm donation and she’d make sure he knew that was the same. She wasn’t going to—oh, God, it hurt—force him to be part of their lives if he didn’t want to be.

And if he did…

She couldn’t even bear to let her thoughts go there. Obviously, he’d shown how much he’d wanted to be part of their lives the day he’d left.

A knock sounded on her door. Her head jerked up. Thinking about Nate…then she remembered Cameron was coming over for a girls’ evening, drinking margaritas, eating popcorn and watching a chick flick. It was a much-needed night of respite for Cameron.

Krissa dragged herself off the couch and went to the door, peeked through the peephole to ensure it was her friend, then unlatched the door.

“Hi!” Cam breezed in, her arms full. “I got the DVD, two bottles of margaritas, and a bag of ice.” She thunked everything down on the counter with a rustle of paper and plastic.

She turned to Krissa and paused. “Hey. You okay?”

Krissa nodded, forced a smile. “Sure.”

Cam tipped her pretty blonde head. “You sure, honey? It’s okay to still be sad about everything.”

Cam had no idea what had really happened. All she knew was Derek had cheated on Krissa and she’d left him.

Krissa nodded, got a big bowl out of the cupboard for the popcorn.

“I’m fine.”

“You kind of look like you just won the lottery, actually,” Cam said, with a perception that startled Krissa. “Like something really good happened but you’re afraid it’s too good to be true.”

Krissa laughed. She ripped the cellophane off the bag of microwave popcorn. “Extra buttery,” she said, waving the flat package before inserting it into the microwave. With a few quick beeps, the oven started humming.

“Where’s your blender?”

They pulled it out, but before Cam could pour tequila into the blender, Krissa stopped her. “Make mine without.”

“Without tequila? Are you kidding me? That’s not a margarita, that’s a…Slurpee.”

“I know.” Krissa smiled. “I don’t feel like drinking tonight.”

Cam’s eyes narrowed. “But that was the whole point of tonight…”

“Oh, come on. The whole point is you and me getting together and watching a movie.”

Cam made a face but nodded and whirred the blender with a non-alcoholic drink for Krissa, then a tequila-laced one for herself.

“God, I needed this.” Cam sank onto Krissa’s couch with her drink in hand. Krissa didn’t have proper margarita glasses so they drank out of tumblers. Whatever. “Those kids are driving me crazy. And so, for that matter, is Eric. God.”

“What now?”

“Oh, everything.” She blew out a gusty sigh. “He’s just useless. He works all day, but doesn’t make any money. Then he comes home and he’s useless there, too. Doesn’t know what to do for the kids. I had to leave detailed instructions on how to get them to bed tonight, what to feed them…” She pushed out her lips. “It’s overwhelming. I feel like I’m doing everything—supporting us, looking after the house, the kids—everything.”

Krissa sipped her tangy lime drink and looked at her friend over the glass. “At least you have a husband.”

“Yeah.” Cam’s expression softened a bit. “I’m sorry. Be thankful it’s just you—imagine if you had three kids and were on your own.”

Be thankful it was just her? Had she heard Cam correctly? She was alone. Admittedly, Cam didn’t know how concerning that was, but…what a stupid thing to say.

“Although, frankly, I pretty much feel like that anyway,” Cam continued. “God, even the sex is non-existent lately. A husband should be good for that much at least.”

“I’m sure Eric is trying.”

Cam grimaced. “Not hard enough.”

Cam’s attention went back to the movie, but anger simmered inside Krissa. Once again, her friend sat there and did nothing but complain, not even realizing how lucky she was.

“Cam?”

“Mmm?”

“Do you love Eric?”

Cam turned toward Krissa, brows lifted. “Do I love him? Yeah, of course I do.”

“Then shut up.”

Cam’s eyes flew wide.

Krissa couldn’t stop the words. She’d kept them inside her for so long, tried to pretend they weren’t there. She couldn’t stop.

“All you do is complain about him. And about your kids. How bad things are for you. You have no fucking idea what bad is.”

Cam blinked, her margarita clutched in her hand.

Krissa squeezed her own drink tightly, the icy-cold glass slick under her fingers. “You have a husband who loves you. Who doesn’t cheat on you. You love him, too. Don’t complain about not having sex. You sleep with him every night. If you want sex—then tell him you want sex.” She almost choked on the words that spilled out of her.

“And don’t…please don’t complain about those beautiful children you have.” Oh, dammit, she was going to cry. Here she’d thought she could get mad and express her anger. But no, the tears had to flow. She swallowed.

“You are so lucky to have three gorgeous children,” she continued fiercely. “Yeah, being a mom is hard, but it’s the most important thing you can ever do. You’re a good mom, Cam, but sometimes I worry you’re going to do to your kids what my mom did to me.”

Cam stared at her. “Which is…?”

“Blame me for everything wrong in her life. My mother wanted to have a high-powered business career, but gave it up because she was pregnant with me. She could never work because she had kids. Her life is a disappointment to her. Not what she dreamed of. And it’s all my fault.”

Cam’s mouth opened into a horrified O. “That’s not true, Krissa.”

Krissa waved a hand. “Whatever. I just don’t want you blaming your kids for what’s wrong in your life. If you don’t like it—fix it. But don’t sit there and complain about it when you have everything…” a sob tore out of her. “Everything I’ve ever w-wanted.” She dragged her index finger under her eye.

“I never…knew you felt that way,” Cam whispered. She leaned forward and set down her drink, clasped her hands. She looked at the floor. “I don’t complain that much. Do I?”

“Yes. All the time. It drives me crazy.” There. She’d said it. Their friendship was likely over. Cam would storm out with her bottles of margarita mix and she’d never see her again.

“You want kids?” Cam lifted her head and gave Krissa a puzzled look.

“Yes.”

Their eyes met and held.

“I didn’t know that.”

“Derek and I…tried. For the last two years.”

“Oh, no.” Distress filled Cam’s brown eyes. “And you can’t get pregnant?”

Krissa shook her head. “I can. Derek can’t.”

“Oh. Oh, God. Is that why…you left him?”

“No. No, no. He cheated on me. Well, it’s a lot more complicated than that.”

“Tell me. We’re friends.”

Krissa searched Cam’s face. “Aren’t you mad at me? For telling you off?”

“No. I’m surprised. Not mad. If I’ve been a pain in the ass, you should have told me sooner. Krissa…we’re friends.” Cam reached for her hand. Cam’s fingers felt warm and Krissa knew hers must be freezing.

“I need you,” Cam continued, and at that Krissa started crying full-out. “What? What, Krissa? You’ll find someone else, someone who can give you a baby.”

“I already have,” she sobbed.

“Whaat?” Cam shook her head, the movie forgotten. “Already?”

“No.” Krissa took a deep breath. “If I tell you this, you’ll probably hate me.”

“No, I won’t. You just told me I’m a bitchy whiner, how much worse can it get?” She gave a tremulous smile.

“I never said that!”

“Yes, you did.” Krissa’s smile slipped. “Might as well have, anyway. It’s okay. Tell me.”

So Krissa told her everything.

Lost and Found

Chapter Thirty-One

“And—get ready for this—I just found out today…I’m pregnant.”

“Oh for shit’s sake,” Cam breathed.

“Yup.” Krissa smiled through her tears. “Pretty ironic, huh?”

“I suppose. I guess you can’t be very far…”

“Two months.”

“Oh, lord. But Krissa…it’s great! You wanted to be a mother. You’ll be a fantastic mother. It’ll be okay. Eric and I will do whatever you need—hey! I’ll be your labor coach. I’ve been through it a couple of times.”

Krissa choked on laugh, wiped her face with tissues she’d retrieved. “Thanks. That would be great. I…I’ll need some help.”

“Whatever we can do. You’ve done so much for me—coming and rescuing me when I’m having a breakdown. Cleaning my house while I’m at work. Listening to all my bitching and complaining. I’ll do anything for you.”

They shared a tearful, emotional hug.

“Anything?” Krissa asked.

“Of course.”

“Can you tell my mother?”

She’d been joking. In a way. Telling her parents she was pregnant wasn’t going to be fun. They were going to tell her to go back to Derek. They’d blame her for the marriage ending, somehow. Just like Derek had blamed her all along.

But after telling Cam how she felt, and ending up with a stronger bond between them, she felt a little more confident she could do it. She could stand up to her mother. She didn’t want to make Derek the scapegoat for everything, because, although she wasn’t willing to take all the blame for their marriage falling apart, she knew she’d had a part in it. But she wanted her mother to understand that she was not responsible for everything that had gone wrong.

How would she make her understand that without telling her the entire gut-wrenching tale? A tale her mother would find appalling.

Her insides twisted and churned as she drove to her parents’ home the following week. She’d been to the doctor, had her pregnancy confirmed. She had to tell them. She was going to need all the support she could get in the coming months, but if they wouldn’t…she could survive. She knew it.

She parked in the huge curved driveway at the front of the imposing house, feeling intimidated even though she’d lived there most of her life. She didn’t ring the bell, but opened one of the double doors into the spacious foyer with its marble-tiled floor, high ceiling and a chandelier dripping crystals. “Hello!”

“Krissa?” She heard the tap of her mother’s heels, then she appeared in the hall from the family room. “Hi! Come in, darling.”

Krissa closed the door behind her, took a deep breath. She and her mother gave each other a polite hug and then Krissa followed her down the hall. “Your father and I are just having an after-dinner drink. Come and join us.”

Well, there was a quick way to break the news.

“What would you like, Krissa? I’m having sherry.” Her mother held up a glass. “Or we have a very nice Sauvignon Blanc…”

“Nothing, thanks.”

“Nothing?” Her mother blinked.

“Well…do you have some iced tea, maybe?”

“Of course. I’ll get it.”

“Hi, baby.” Her dad stood and gave her a much warmer hug. “Haven’t seen you in ages. How’re you doing?” He searched her eyes with his green ones so like her own. Had his hair receded even more? Probably, but he still looked distinguished and handsome, even with his middle softening a little.

“I’m okay, Dad.” She smiled at him. “How about you? How’s work?”

“Oh, great.” He talked about interest rates and mortgages until Lizbeth returned with the glass of tea.

“Here you go.” She handed the glass over. “Have a seat. So, Krissa, are you okay? We’ve been worried about you.”

“I’m okay, Mom. Really.”

“I just can’t believe you and Derek…” She shook her head, the corners of her mouth turned down. “It’s such a shame.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Lizbeth fastened her gaze on Krissa. “Did he find out about…?”

Krissa waited. “About what?”

Lizbeth shot a glance at her husband. “About you and…Nate.”

“Nate?” her father put in with a frown. “What’s he got to do with this?”

Krissa returned her mother’s gaze. “You think I was cheating on Derek, don’t you? And that’s why our marriage ended.”

“Well…that morning I came over and you two…”

“What?” David’s frown deepened. “Krissa, what the hell did you do?”

She looked from her mother to her father, then sipped her tea. “You’ve already judged me,” she said. Strangely the butterflies billowing in her tummy had calmed down. She’d done it with Cameron. She could do it with them.

“Of course we haven’t, but I saw…” Lizbeth’s voice trailed off. “And then you didn’t want to talk about it, so I assumed…”

“I guess I should have explained to you what was going on,” Krissa agreed quietly. “But it’s complicated.” She paused. “I came here to tell you some news.”

They looked at her expectantly.

“I’m pregnant.”

The widening of the eyes was identical on both of them and they turned and shared a look before swiveling back to face Krissa. “Pregnant? Oh, Krissa! So you and Derek are getting back together?”

“No.”

“No?”

Krissa licked her lips and took a breath. “Derek and I are done, for good. I found out after we split up that I’m pregnant. But we won’t be getting back together.”

“But…why not?”

“Derek cheated on me.”

“He what!”

She nodded, took another sip of the lemony tea, icy cold and sweet.

“Krissa, what did you do?”

And there it was. “What did I do?” she asked calmly. “He cheated, and you ask what did I do?”

“There must have been a reason. Usually when men cheat it’s because they aren’t getting enough…you know…at home.”

Krissa laughed. “We had lots of sex, Mom.”

She took a strange pleasure in the red that stained her mother’s cheeks.

“But then…you’re going to have the baby on your own?” Her mother looked horrified.

“It’s not that bad. Lots of women do it.” She smiled. “Don’t worry, Mom. I won’t make you change diapers.”

Lizbeth didn’t even smile at that. “But, Krissa. Having a child is difficult, even with a husband. I should know. But without…” She shuddered.

“Yes, I know that you are well familiar with how difficult it is to have a child,” Krissa said, the butterflies replaced with stinging hornets of anger. They swarmed inside her, trying to get out. “Once again I’m sorry that I wrecked your life.”

“Krissa.” Her father interjected with a frown.

“That’s what she believes,” Krissa told him. “You know it, and I know it. Only, you know what, Mom? I am not responsible for everyone else’s problems. Derek made choices in his life. You made choices in your life. I had nothing to do with those choices.”

They both stared at her open-mouthed.

The shocked surprise on their faces gave her a funny little rush. The desire to shock them more.

“So, since you’ve already judged me, you may as well know…the baby isn’t Derek’s. The baby is Nate’s. You were right. I was screwing around with him. But…Derek was right there with us.” Their sharply indrawn breaths were audible across the room. “The three of us were in a relationship. Derek is sterile and we wanted Nate to be the father of our baby. But things didn’t work exactly like we planned.” Her mouth twisted. “It’s true, Derek cheated on me. It’s been going on for years. You can blame me for it if you want. I don’t care, because I know it wasn’t my fault.”

Krissa swallowed the last of the tea and clunked the glass down onto the cocktail table. She stood up, slung her purse over her shoulder.

“Thanks for your support, Mom and Dad.”

The sight of her mother’s face, all the color drained out of it, her eyes hazy, almost stopped her from walking out. But hell, she had momentum going, she might as well go with it.

Krissa wasn’t sure what should happen next. She was not going to apologize to her parents for shocking them, though. They’d either accept her and not judge her for what she’d done or… She sighed, sitting by the pool with a magazine the next night. Several people were enjoying the pool in the warm evening. Krissa smiled as Joe Surfer Dude tossed one of the teenage girls into the water, her scream submerged in a splash. Krissa felt way older than her neighbors but at least they were human company.

Why she even thought of apologizing, she had no idea. Long-standing guilt nibbled at her. She really had to get over that. But if she ever wanted any relationship with them, she’d likely have to make the first move.

Or not. Her tummy flipped over as she spotted her mother at the gate of the wrought-iron fence enclosing the pool. She slowly flipped her magazine closed, rose out of the chair she’d been sitting in. She lifted a hand to her mother and walked toward her.

She opened the gate. “Hi.”

“Hello.” They eyed each other. “Krissa. We need to talk.”

Her mom’s face looked tight, with faint lines around her eyes and mouth.

“Sure. Let’s go up to my place.”

“This is a nice building.”

“It’s okay.”

Lizbeth followed her up the wooden stairs to her second-floor door. Krissa unlocked it and led the way in.

Lizbeth looked around. “Oh, Krissa. I hate to see you living like this.”

“It’s fine, Mom. I have what I need.”

“Are you…do you have enough money?”

“I have money. My business is doing okay. I’ll be fine, really. I’m just starting over, that’s why it looks so bare in here.”

“You know, half of everything you had with Derek is yours.”

Krissa blinked at her. “Well…yes. It is. But…in the end, there wasn’t much I wanted. Just what I needed.”

“You need a lawyer,” her mother said firmly. “That house must be worth a few million dollars. Half of that is yours.”

“There was a humongous mortgage on it,” Krissa muttered.

“Krissa. This isn’t just about you. It’s about your child, too. I’ll get you the name of our lawyer tomorrow. Call him.”

Krissa blinked. “Okay.” She gestured to the sofa. “Have a seat. Would like a drink? Coffee? Tea?”

“Tea would be lovely.”

Krissa didn’t have a kettle so she put two mugs of water into the microwave. She opened a cupboard and found two boxes. “Earl Grey or green tea?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

She plucked two green tea bags out and waited for the water.

“When is the baby due?” her mother asked. Her hands clasped tightly in her lap.

“In March. March twenty-first.”

“Well. That’s accurate.”

Krissa shrugged. The microwave dinged and she reached in for the steaming mugs, dropped a teabag into each. “I know the exact day I got pregnant.”

“Oh.”

“I know you don’t approve.” Krissa carried the mugs over to the couch and set them on the small table in front. “I’m sorry, Mom.” Damn it, the apology had just slipped out. “But what happened, happened.”

“You shocked us last night.”

“I know.” She fought back the smile that tugged her lips.

Her mother’s own mouth twitched—shockingly. “You enjoyed, that didn’t you?”

Krissa stared. “Um…yes.”

Lizbeth shook her head. “I think there’s a lot more to the story than you told us.”

“Well…yeah.”

“I don’t know if I want to hear it.”

“I don’t know if I want to tell you.” They looked at each other for a stretched out moment.

“That’s fine,” Lizbeth said finally. “We love you, Krissa. I don’t know what happened between you and Derek and Nate. I really don’t know if…” She drew in a breath. “If I can ever…understand. I only…I wish…” She sputtered to stop. She took a quick sip of her tea.

“What, Mom?”

“I’m afraid you’ve been very hurt by all this,” Lizbeth said, almost in a whisper. “Your husband cheated on you…that’s enough to destroy any woman. But…did Derek cheat on you because of…Nate?”

Krissa breathed in. And out. Once again, it all came back to what she’d done. “No. He’d been cheating on me for a long time.”

“Oh.”

Krissa rubbed her mouth. “I don’t want to bad-mouth Derek to you. I know you like him. I loved him, too. I think he feels awful about what he’s done.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Derek wanted a baby?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that! Every time I see you, you tell me not to have children!”

Lizbeth looked down. “I want the best for you, Krissa. I want you to have whatever it is you want.” She looked up. “I thought you wanted a career. And it was taking you long enough to get going.”

“Mom!”

“I’m just saying. Jumping from job to job. How would you expect to get promoted and rise up through a company when you only stay there for a year? Your father worked his whole life at the bank.”

“It doesn’t work that way anymore,” Krissa murmured. “Nobody works their whole life for one company.”

“Apparently. Anyway—I saw you doing that, and I was afraid…I thought having a baby would just interfere with your career even more. We were happy you started your own business, thinking maybe you’d finally found what you wanted to do.”

“I think I have.”

“But having a baby…just when you’re trying to start a business…”

For once, Krissa thought she understood where her mother was coming from. “I want both,” she said, meeting her mom’s eyes. “That’s what I want.”

“Then you should have both,” her mom said, sounding a little choked. “And we’ll do whatever we can to help you.”

“Thank you.”

They both looked into their mugs and sniffled.

“I’m sorry I gave you the impression I’m not happy with my life,” her mother said. She touched a finger to the outside corner of one eye and blinked. “Because the truth is, I love my life. I’ve been so very lucky to have your father and you girls. You were my life. Still are, even though you’re all grown and gone. It’s true, sometimes I think about what could have been…the career I could have had.”

“You still could have had it, Mom.”

“Yes.” She smiled faintly. “You are absolutely right. If I’d truly wanted it that much I would have had it. The truth is…” She swallowed. “I was afraid of trying. Afraid I didn’t have what it took to make it in the business world. Afraid I wouldn’t be the success I’d envisioned for myself.”

“And then you saw me…not being a success.”

They looked at each other. Krissa knew that’s what her mother had been thinking, even though she wasn’t agreeing with her. “I’m sorry, Krissa,” Lizbeth murmured. “I’m so sorry.” She turned the mug in her hands.

Silence settled between them.

“You know that saying? About the grass always being greener?” Lizbeth asked.

“I know.” Krissa shook her head. “Everyone wants what they don’t have. Sometimes I wonder if I really wanted a baby that much, or I just wanted it because I couldn’t have it.”

“You can be a little stubborn like that.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I understand, Krissa. Because I’m like that too. I thought I wanted a career. I saw women I’d gone to school with moving into senior positions…I wanted what they had. But I truly loved you and your sisters, and wanted to be the best mother I could be.” Her mom’s gaze softened. “You wanted a baby that much? That you would…”

“It’s complicated.” She looked down at her mug of tea.

“You seem so sad, Krissa. I know you want this baby…are you sure there’s no hope for you and Derek? If you love him…”

“I…I’m so confused about my feelings right now. I think Derek and I need to be apart. I need to figure out how I feel, and who I am. I’m just learning things about myself…”

“Maybe someday…”

“I don’t think so.” Krissa smiled at her mom. “I don’t want to give you false hope. I’m confused about things, but our marriage is over. I just need time. Time to be on my own, figure things out.”

“What about Nate?”

Krissa squirmed under her mother’s inquiring glance. “Same thing goes,” she murmured. “I need to figure out how I feel. But I will tell him about the baby. He has to know.”

“All right.” Her mother nodded. “So. You’ll need things for the baby.”

Lost and Found

Chapter Thirty-Two

Nate stared at the Indian Ocean through the fronds of a palm tree. The setting sun painted the sky mauve and apricot, the wispy clouds darker shades of lavender and peach. Turquoise water washed gently onto white sand. He framed the view into a shot in his mind’s eye.

He’d shot over a thousand images since he’d arrived in Indonesia, and he knew many of them were incredible. Different than anything he’d shot before. He’d been looking for scenes to express the conflict inside him and had created powerfully moving images of strength and weakness, light and dark, yearning and loss.

His cell phone buzzed at his hip and he slid it out of the holder and flipped it open. His brother Rich. Huh.

“Hey.”

“Hey, buddy. How’s it going?”

“Not bad.” Nate picked up his beer, the cold glass dripping with condensation in the warm, humid air. “What’s up?”

They’d spoken often since Nate had shown up back in L.A. four months ago. After leaving Krissa and Derek’s place, Nate had driven himself to a motel in Ventura where he’d spent a miserable couple of days, almost out of his mind with everything that had happened. Then he’d managed to get his shit together and drive home to see his parents. He’d spent a few weeks there, told them most of what had happened—his relationship with Krissa too confusing and emotionally raw to talk about—and had reconnected with his brothers.

He’d been shocked to find himself confiding in Rich what had occurred with Derek and Krissa. It had been a relief to share it with someone, to acknowledge the fucked-up mess he’d made of things and the painful feelings inside him. Then he’d hit the road again, back to business, but this time with frequent calls and a couple of quick trips home to his family.

“I ran into someone the other day and had an interesting conversation,” Rich told him.

“Yeah?” Nate leaned back into the thick cushion of the rattan chair on the terrace of his hotel.

“Yeah. A guy from Santa Barbara who knows Derek.”

Nate’s gut clenched. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Anyway, he told me Derek and Krissa split up.”

Nate slowly sat up straight. “Split up?”

“Yeah. They’re done. He didn’t know details, not that I wanted to ask much, but…I thought you might want to know that.”

Nate rubbed his face. “Uh…yeah. Wow.”

“I’ll let you go. When are you coming home next?”

“I…don’t know.” He couldn’t think, couldn’t remember his plans. “I’ll call you.”

“Sure thing. Let me know if you need anything.”

Silence. Nate studied the bright floral print of the cushions on the chairs.

“Nate?”

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Great. Thanks, Rich.”

He snapped his phone shut and dropped it onto the rattan and glass table with a clatter. He pressed the cold, wet glass of beer to his forehead. They’d split up? What the hell? What had happened?

Nate had had a lot of time to think about things over the last few months. He’d learned a lot about himself. The enormous guilt he’d carried about falling in love with another man’s wife—his best friend’s wife—had not been made any lighter by the revelation that Derek had already betrayed Nate with his wife. Two wrongs did not make a right.

But admitting and accepting his own imperfections helped him accept Lauren’s cheating, her senseless death, and to deal with the fact that the baby she’d carried had been his.

Damn Rich for calling and telling him that. His stomach cramped and his heart constricted with worry about Krissa, because now he couldn’t stop thinking about her, all night and all the next day. Ah, who was he kidding? He hadn’t stopped thinking about her since he’d left Santa Barbara. Not a day had gone by that he hadn’t remembered her sweet smile, her sparkling green eyes, the touch of her hands. He ached with missing her, even now, and had begun to wonder how long it would take to get over her. Now, thoughts of Krissa alone, without Derek, obsessed him, occupied every corner of his mind. When he found himself staring blankly through the lens of his camera, not even seeing the subject of the image he was attempting to capture, he knew what he had to do.

Lost and Found

Chapter Thirty-Three

With only one bedroom in the apartment there was no nursery to decorate, as she would have had in the house. But that was okay. Krissa kind of liked the idea of the baby sharing a room with her, especially at first. And she’d start looking for another place as soon as she could afford it. Maybe she could even find a little house.

Her parents had been amazingly supportive and generous. Her small bedroom now held a crib, outfitted in lime green and yellow. Her mother had shopped for baby necessities with a strange pleasure, considering how she apparently didn’t want any grandchildren. Krissa was now stocked up on diapers, onesies, tiny socks that she held up and marveled at. Surely babies couldn’t be that small?

Then she pressed a hand to her growing belly. On the other hand, she hoped the baby was that small, because the idea of the baby coming out was starting to scare her.

She put the socks back in the dresser drawer and wandered into her living room. The Christmas tree sparkled at her with white lights and decorations. Another gift from her parents. She wanted to be independent, but helping her seemed to give them so much pleasure. A Christmas tree wasn’t a necessity, but it made it that much nicer.

Alone at Christmas.

It didn’t scare her as much as it once might have. She sat down in the rocking chair, another gift, and placed her hands on her tummy. She felt a kick first to her hand, then inside against her bladder. She winced, thought about going to the bathroom, then decided she didn’t really need to. Those kicks to the bladder could trick you.

She slowly rocked, the rhythmic motion soothing, the lights of the tree hypnotizing. Outside, rain drizzled down in the darkness, running in rivulets down the windows. In the four months she’d been on her own, she’d settled into herself. Many of the stronger emotions that had tormented her had faded—the sense of betrayal, the anger, the guilt, the confusion.

What hadn’t faded was the intense feeling of missing Nate, of yearning for him, needing to talk to him, to share with him what she’d learned, and especially to share with him the joy of the baby they’d created together. But four months out of a lifetime wasn’t long and given enough time, she’d get past that too.

After Christmas she was going to have to ask Derek if he knew how to reach Nate. If he didn’t, she’d have to track down his parents in L.A. That was going to be weird. But she wouldn’t have to tell them why—although they’d find out eventually.

She thought about Nate all the time. About how he must have felt when he’d found out what Derek had done. Why he’d looked so obliterated the day he’d left. How he’d never dealt with Lauren’s death or betrayal, had just closed himself off to everyone who cared about him.

She hoped he’d reconciled with his parents. After that breakfast in L.A., she’d seen him relax and open up to them. Maybe that’s where he’d gone when he left.

Maybe he’d been traveling the world, taking beautiful pictures. One day she’d Googled him, but couldn’t find anything recent about him.

She rose from the chair, her center of gravity a little different now. She’d have a bath, then time for her and baby to go to bed.

She filled the bathtub with steaming water—but not too hot because she’d read that wasn’t good for the baby—and slipped into it blissfully. Steam curled around her face. She lay her head back on the bath pillow and took a long, slow breath, letting the warmth of the water and the scent of the peach bath oil she’d added relax her.

She’d almost drifted off to sleep, which was not a good thing, when a pounding on her door jarred her to wakefulness. What the hell?

She’d ignore it. Maybe one of the neighbors checking to make sure she wasn’t lonely. They invited her to join them all the time, and sometimes she did, but she didn’t fit in with the crowd of young partiers.

Another burst of knocking. She huffed out a breath. Jeez. She was trying to relax here.

At the third knock, she heaved herself out of the water, grabbed her terry robe and fought to get it on over damp skin. She’d clipped her hair up and little tendrils curled around her face.

She stomped to the door, annoyed at the interruption, and put her eye to the peephole. She drew back sharply. She blinked. She couldn’t have seen right. She looked again.

Nate.

He stood outside her door, scowling at the peephole as if he knew she was there, as if he thought she’d been there the whole time not answering her door. Rain glistened in his shaggy brown hair and on the shoulders of the black jacket he wore.

Her tummy did a little flip and adrenaline raced through her, causing her heart to speed up. Her fingers went to the lock of the door, and she hesitated. Why was he here? Did he know? This wasn’t exactly a good way for him to find out. Oh dear God.

She fumbled the door open with shaky fingers.

His eyes snapped to hers in the opening of the door. She kept it mostly closed, peeked out through the opening. “Nate.”

Nate studied the pretty face that appeared in the opening of the door. Cheeks flushed and glowing, dark hair curling around her face, she apparently had been having a shower or something.

“I came at a bad time,” he murmured.

“Um…” She bit her lip, looking adorably uncertain. She stayed behind the door. He could see she wore a robe, thick pink fabric bunched at her throat, covering her completely—so why was she hiding?

“I’m just surprised to see you,” she said.

“Yeah.” Hell, he was surprised, too.

“What are you doing here?”

He glanced behind him. “Uh…do we want to discuss this in the hall?”

Her eyes closed briefly. “No. Of course not.” She looked almost…afraid. Was she afraid of him? “Come in.” She stood back and pulled the door open. He walked in, looked around him at her apartment.

The only light in the small room came from the Christmas tree sparkling in the corner. It illuminated the leather couch, which he recognized from their house, and a rocking chair he didn’t recognize. The place was nice, just…bare. And small. A far cry from the huge five-bedroom house on the beach she and Derek had occupied. Something poked at his heart to see her living like this.

He turned, Krissa still behind him. She gave him her back as she closed the door, all bundled up in that butt-ugly robe. Nah, nothing Krissa wore could be ugly. He’d just rather see her in…less.

She slowly turned to face him, adjusted the belt at her waist.

“Your eyes?”

“Huh?” His gaze roved over her beautiful face.

“Are your eyes okay now?”

“Oh. Yeah. Fine. Back to normal.”

“I’m so glad.”

He was so fascinated with her face, her sparkly green eyes, that lush mouth, he didn’t at first notice that her hands were at a waist that was no longer slim.

A frown tugged his brows together. His breath left him all at once and his head went empty. He took a stiff step toward her. “Krissa?”

Her eyes were huge in her small face. Her teeth nibbled her bottom lip, her fingers toyed with the robe. His eyes went again to her stomach and he moved closer, put out a hand. Hell. Could she be…?

He didn’t know what to make of it. Didn’t know what to think. Couldn’t process it all. He laid his hand on her belly, rounded and hard under the soft robe. He lifted his eyes to hers with a question.

“Yes.”

At her whispered word, he looked down again, put both hands on her waist, or rather where her waist used to be. “Oh God.”

Was this his baby?

He’d only just found out she and Derek had split up. He tried to piece it all together. She’d left Derek when she was pregnant? Had they found another donor? But if he was the father, why hadn’t they told him?

Mind reeling with a million questions, he swallowed hard.

“Krissa?” God, she was going to think he’d lost the ability to speak. And, apparently, he had.

“Yes,” she said again, as if reading his mind. “It’s our baby, Nate.”

His knees went weak, and without fighting it, he sank to the floor. Kneeling before her, he pressed his face to her belly, wrapped his arms around her. His chest so tight he could hardly breath, heart pounding, he fought back the tears that stung his eyes. Jesus. He felt her hands in his hair, gentle, tentative fingers stroking through it. All he could do was hold her like that, breathe in the scent of her…warm peaches and damp skin.

“In a few minutes,” he choked out, voice muffed in her robe, “we’re going to have a really big fight. I’m just telling you that so you’re ready. So you won’t run away.”

She snorted out a little laugh, fingers tightening on his head. Then she pushed him away. “Fine,” she said. “You wanna fight? You wanna go? Come on.”

He caught her sparkling, laughing gaze and everything inside him softened and warmed. He let out a long breath.

He climbed to his feet, took her hands in his. “Are you okay?” He searched her eyes. “The baby…everything’s okay?

She nodded. “Everything’s fine.”

“Good.” He focused on breathing, chest still tight.

“So what are you doing here?” She repeated the question she’d asked when he’d been standing in the hall.

“Ah…looking for you.” He shook his head. “Jesus. What a dumb question.”

“So I’m dumb?” She gave him a look, that look he loved, chin down, looking at him up though her eyelashes. Emotion swelled in him almost unbearably. He swallowed.

He smiled slowly. “No. I didn’t say that. Can we sit down?”

“Yes, please. I’d like to sit before I fall down.”

“Oh, bunny. Come on, sit.” He led to her to the couch, tenderness overriding his anger and confusion.

“I got a call from my brother Rich a week ago. He said he ran into a guy he knows, who knows Derek, who told him you two had split up.”

She nodded.

“When did that happen, Krissa? Why?”

“It happened the day you left.”

He felt like someone had just punched him in the gut. “Huh?”

“The day you left…Derek went out and met up with his ‘girlfriend’,” she made air quotes with her fingers. “Or whoever she is. He’d cheated on me with her before, apparently. Some agent who works for him. I was out and I saw them together. I waited up for him and asked him who she was.”

“Oh Christ.” He stared at her, reached for her hands, closed her small fingers in his. “I’m sorry, Krissa.”

“He told me everything, Nate. He told me about him and Lauren.”

“Oh.” He closed his eyes. “Fuck.”

“Yeah. I can’t believe they did that.”

“Neither could I.”

“You must have been devastated.”

He opened his eyes and met hers. “I already knew she’d been screwing around. Finding out who it was with was just…well, yeah, I was pissed.”

“Me, too.”

“So…when you found out, you left him?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“Call you where? I didn’t know where you went. I didn’t even know your cell phone number. And I thought you wanted to leave, wanted to get away from us. I wasn’t going to beg you to come back.”

“But…the baby.” He almost growled. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me about that?”

“Is this when we have the fight?”

He stared at her, then burst out laughing. “Damn right. I’m pissed about that.”

“You’re laughing.”

“Christ, you make me laugh.” He shook his head, tugged her closer. “But I am mad about that, Krissa. You should have told me.”

“I found out I was pregnant over six weeks later. I kind of forgot about keeping track of things, with staying with Cam and then finding my own place. I knew I had to let you know. I was planning to track you down after Christmas.”

“So you were going to tell me?”

“Yes, of course. You have to know.” She touched her fingertips to his cheek. “I just didn’t want to make any demands on you. The whole idea was that you would just…”

“Donate my sperm.”

“Yes.”

He pressed his lips together.

“And that stays the same,” she assured him. “I don’t expect anything from you.”

A hot knife stabbed into his heart. When he’d agreed to donate his sperm he’d thought he could do it. He’d thought it would mean nothing to him, that it wouldn’t really be his child. Even when he and Krissa had had sex trying to conceive, he’d kept telling himself that. He’d been kidding himself, though. Even if he hadn’t wanted to admit it at the time…now, faced with Krissa, pregnant with his child, the reality was much different.

“Shit,” he muttered and fell back against the couch.

Lost and Found

Chapter Thirty-Four

“What’s wrong? You’re sorry you did this, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not sorry. It was a crazy, fucked up plan that ended up going way wrong, but…God, Krissa.” He rubbed his face, not sure what to say, how much to tell her.

“You still haven’t really told me why you came.”

She watched him quietly, waiting.

“I…did tell you. I just heard you and Derek split up.”

“Yeah. But why did you come?”

She was pushing him. Amazing. “I’m not sure, actually. I wanted to make sure you were okay, I guess.”

“That’s it?”

He stared at her, shaking inside. “No, that’s not it. I had to see you Krissa. Christ, I’ve missed you.”

“Oh.” The word was a breath. “I missed you too.”

Their gazes connected and held for a long, stretched out moment. “I had to see you, Krissa. I was worried about you, and I missed you and…”

She waited.

“I wanted to tell you.”

A frown tugged her brows down.

“About Derek and Lauren. When I found out that night. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know what he’d done, that he was a goddamn dirtbag. I wanted you to hate him. I wanted you to leave him.”

She stared at him, wide-eyed, and blinked.

“But I couldn’t.” He closed his eyes briefly. “I couldn’t do it. You were married to him. You loved the guy.” The words stuck in his tight throat. “So I left. If I’d told you that, I would have been destroying your marriage.”

“You wouldn’t have destroyed my marriage. Derek did that.”

They looked into each other’s eyes, a look full of tortured emotion and questions. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I just couldn’t do it. I thought you loved him. But I…”

She waited. He swallowed hard. “I loved you too.”

“Oh.” Her eyes grew glossy. “Oh, Nate.” Her mouth trembled and she put a hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes. It was okay if she didn’t love him back.

He swallowed past the baseball in his throat. “That’s where our whole crazy plan went wrong. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you.”

“No. That wasn’t supposed to happen.” Her voice was a sigh. “But I fell in love with you too, Nate.”

He opened his eyes, uncertain of what he’d heard.

“I knew I loved you, but I was so confused. I was married and I loved my husband. I thought I loved both of you. But now I know my feelings for Derek had changed.” She blinked at him, mouth quivering. “I can’t tell you how much I resented him for how he judged me all those years, how he blamed me for things that weren’t even my fault, how he blamed me for his stupid mistakes. Being apart from you all these months, thinking about you all the time…I missed you so much. I thought I’d get over you, eventually. Or maybe not.” She smiled crookedly.

“It was a helluva mess.”

“Yes.”

“It’s just you and me now.”

“Yes.”

His eyes dropped to her stomach. “And junior.”

She laughed. “Yes.”

“I want to see you, Krissa.”

She bit her lip, gave a short nod, let him tug apart the sides of the robe, exposing the inner curves of her breasts. He undid the belt and drew it to each side, then parted the robe and pushed it away. He gazed down at her body.

She looked up at him with anxious eyes. He trailed a finger over the curve of a breast that was fuller, but still perfect. He stroked the gentle swell of her stomach, his eyes devouring the sight of her lush femininity. Everywhere else she looked the same—smooth golden skin, tiny freckles here and there, the patch of dark curls between her legs.

He lowered his head and pressed his lips to her rounded belly, laid his cheek there and closed his eyes. When he lifted his face, his eyes were damp.

“I love you, Krissa.”

“I love you too, Nate.” She put her arms out to him and drew her against him, her frame still slender, even in the bulky robe. Only inches separated their faces. Nate dragged his gaze away from her eyes and looked at her mouth. The plump bottom lip parted slightly from the top just so he could see the edge of her white teeth.

He heard her indrawn breath, felt the tremors of her soft body in his arms. Her scent intoxicated him, surrounded him. So close he could see each tiny, pale freckle, each eyelash as her lids drifted shut and her mouth moved closer to him.

He moved too, felt her breath whisper on his lips, felt her heart knocking against him. He saw the pulse, just as quick, beneath the fine skin of her throat.

Then their mouths met, in an agonizing, excruciatingly beautiful kiss. Her mouth was heaven, sweet and soft. He stroked inside with his tongue, and she opened for him, met his tongue with hers. He kissed her again and again, long, slow, clinging kisses, their tongues brushing as they drew apart in slow, lush licks. She moaned deep in her throat, slid her hands around his neck, pulled him closer.

He lifted her onto his lap, turned her, tipped her back against the arm rest of the couch, leaned into her. He needed to taste more of her, more of her sweet mouth. He went to touch her hair but it was all stuck up in some kind of clip thing. He felt around, figured out how to open it and released her hair. It tumbled damp and wavy around her shoulders and he threaded his hand into it, twisted it around his fingers and gave a little tug, eliciting a whimper from her that had his blood sizzling through his veins.

It thrilled him that he remembered what she liked, that she liked what he did. He drew back, just a little, to look at her face. Heat sparked, ignited and grew between them as their kisses deepened, as he cupped one breast in his hand, rubbed his thumb over the nipple. His throat ached, and his heart lurched with overwhelming emotion. He couldn’t get close enough to her, could never get enough of her.

Her tummy was definitely there. It made him cautious. He drew back, fighting for breath. “Krissa. The baby.”

She gave him a slow, sexy smile. “The baby doesn’t know what we’re doing.”

“I mean, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt me.”

He kissed her again, deep, open-mouthed kisses, eating her up, trailed his fingers down the side of her neck into the opening of the robe, over her collarbone. He rubbed the top curve of her breast.

He drew back to look down at her and gazed into her eyes. The love shining there punched him like a fist in the gut, spreading warmth and relief and gratitude through him.

Without words, he helped her up from the couch, and she led him into her bedroom. His eyes took in the pretty crib in the corner. The big bed, crib and a white painted dresser occupied almost all the space in the small room. He pictured Krissa living here with the baby, the two of them sleeping in this small room so close, and his heart squeezed.

He pushed the robe off her shoulders and let it crumple on the floor at her feet. He couldn’t stop himself from touching her stomach again, fascinated with its swelling. He stroked over it, down her waist. His fingers trailed over her hips, up and around. Then while his hand rested there he felt movement—like a small spasm beneath the skin. “Oh.” He looked up at Krissa.

“Did you feel that?”

“Yeah. Holy hell.”

She smiled, put her hand over his and held it there until they felt another small bump. His heart full of wonder and awe, he struggled to breathe.

“Oh, wow. Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

She shook her head. “I’ve been calling it Peanut.”

He laughed. “We’ll think of something better when he or she is born.”

“Yeah.”

He kissed her mouth, softly, reverently. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” The word whispered against his mouth. She wound her arms around his neck and pressed against him. They stood like that, his hands on the sides of her tummy, their foreheads together, noses side by side, just breathing in each other. Then Krissa shifted her mouth closer to his and he took it in a long, hungry kiss.

They moved to the bed, and he laid her gently down on the simple white duvet. It puffed up around her, and she laid there, dark hair spread beneath her head, all smooth glowing skin, shiny eyes and captivating smile. He studied her as he undid the buttons of his shirt, pulling it out of his jeans as he did. His eyes wandered over the slender curve of her arms, the shadows between her legs, the way her small toes curled into the duvet, tugging something inside him as always. Then he stepped out of jeans, socks and underwear, shed his shirt. He lay down beside her, hand on her belly, elbow bent, his head propped on his hand.

Luminous green eyes turned to him.

“How should we do this?” he asked, uncertain if being on top of her was okay.

“I don’t know.” She bit her lip. “I haven’t had sex since this baby was conceived, so…I’m not sure how it works.”

He sucked in a breath. “It was that night in Los Angeles, wasn’t it?”

She nodded, watching him.

“I’m glad,” he whispered. “I’m glad it was just the two of us.”

“Me, too.”

He pressed his face between her breasts, breathed in her peachy scent, then kissed the inside curve of each full breast. When he kissed a nipple, she drew in a sharp breath. “Oh.”

He lifted his head. “Okay?”

“Mmm. My nipples are sensitive. And…”

“What?”

“They’ve been…um…leaking a little bit.”

He swallowed. He stared down at the puckered nipples, bigger, darker pink, beautiful. “Can I…”

“Yes.” Her hands went to his head. “I want you to.”

He took a nipple in his mouth and sucked, rubbed his tongue over it. She tasted so sweet and her whimpers told him she loved what he did to her. He moved to the other nipple, tasted it too, played with it with his mouth while his fingers plucked at the other, tested the weight of her breast, squeezed it gently.

“That feels so good,” she moaned, fingers sifting through his hair. Her body twitched and writhed against him. “So good.”

He drew back to study her nipples after his attention, now even redder and stiffer and he watched in fascination as tiny white droplets slowly formed on the tips. “Oh, God,” he breathed. Krissa lifted her head to look at herself.

“That’s what I mean,” she murmured.

A fist squeezed his throat and his heart thumped hard. “Do you want to be on top?”

She gazed up at him. “I don’t know. I think it’s okay if you are.”

He moved over her and she reached for his cock, long, hard and throbbing. Her hands on him felt sublime, soft yet firm, stroking him in long pulls that sent pleasure licking over his skin.

“Inside me,” she said. “Please.”

“Yeah.” He let her guide him into her, felt her wetness, then her heat surrounded the head of his cock. Hot velvet, squeezing him. A low, rough sound tore from his throat. He held his weight on his elbows and really, she wasn’t that big, he just straightened his arms a bit to hold his body higher. She parted her legs wider, and he pushed into her in. The air ripped out of his lungs.

“Krissa, oh, God.”

“I know.” Her hands clutched his ass, pulled him deeper. “Fuck me, Nate.”

His groans mingled with her sighs as their bodies came together, perfect, easy and right. He surged into her, their connection intimate, joining not just their bodies but their hearts and their souls. Something touched him inside, a searing, exquisite sensation that he recognized as love. Something he thought he’d never feel again. And at that moment he knew he’d never felt this kind of love before. An overwhelming desire to protect and take care of her and their child, to be with them forever, made his eyes sting.

It hurt. Love hurt. It hurt like hell to think he’d found that kind of love with her, and lost her. He wasn’t even sure if she’d been his to lose, yet he’d known she had feelings for him, too, after that night in L.A. It made him wonder why he was so grateful to her for ripping open those old wounds, for letting him feel the pain he’d managed to avoid for years. And now he knew why.

Because love was a tender torment, an irresistible anguish that made everything else worthwhile. There was nothing else that mattered.

His hands framed her face, and his gaze held hers. He saw a reflection of his own devotion, his own longing, his own hope in her eyes, drawing him in. “I love you, Krissa. I love you.”

Her hands stroked over his back and he felt the tenderness in her touch, heard her pleasure in her muffled whimpers, leaned in and felt her love in the brush of her breath against his mouth. “I love you, too, Nate.”

Her body tightened beneath him and around him as she climaxed, squeezing him inside and out. She cried out and he watched her face, humbled by her beauty, by the ecstasy he saw there because of him, awed and gratified by her love. Pressure built at the base of his spine and in his balls, building to his own exquisite peak of pleasure. Her hands gripped his hips as he drove into her one…more…time…and exploded. Lights flashed as his lids squeezed shut against the intensity of his orgasm, and when he poured himself into her in long, hard almost painful pulses, he felt truly joined to this woman.

They settled beneath the soft warmth of the duvet, curled into each other. The protrusion of her tummy still felt unfamiliar but he liked it. He pressed his cheek against the top of her head and smiled.

“You’re sure Peanut doesn’t know what we’re doing?”

She laughed. “Yes.”

He loved her arms around him, stroking his back, down over the curve of his ass, dragging her fingers up the crevice there. Jesus, he was going to be hard again in two minutes if she kept that up.

“Where did you go when you left?” she asked him in a drowsy voice.

“To my parents.”

“Good.” He heard the satisfaction in her voice and smiled.

“Yeah. Thanks to you.”

“Why me?”

“I owe you everything, Krissa.”

She tilted her head back to look at him.

“I was…dead. Inside. After Lauren died, and then I found out about her cheating, I just…shut down. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want sympathy. I didn’t want to talk to people who knew us, who would be all ‘poor Lauren, such a wonderful girl’ when I knew the truth, and yet, I didn’t want to tell people about it, either. So I just avoided everyone who knew us. Ran away and took pictures.”

“And did damn good at it.”

“Yeah. But I was feeling…nothing. And then when my eyes were screwed, I was just pissed off at everything and everyone. Until you.”

He held her gaze.

“You made me feel stuff again, Krissa. You made me feel good. God, you made me feel more than good. You ripped holes in me.” She blinked at him, her smile quivering. “But when I started feeling good, all the bad stuff came, too. I didn’t want to feel it—I didn’t want to hurt. I didn’t want to feel the pain of being betrayed or losing someone I loved, but I started to feel that too, two years later. I didn’t want to fall in love again.” He shook his head, touched her cheek with gentle fingers. “And when I realized what I’d felt for Lauren was nothing compared to what I felt for you…Christ, it scared the hell out of me. Especially knowing you belonged to someone else.”

He closed his eyes, heard her small murmur. “When we first slept together, it was supposed to be a donation. Nothing more. No feelings involved.”

“I knew that. It hurt me.”

“I know. I tried to make it better for you after that, but I didn’t realize my own feelings were going to get all mixed up in it. Like you ripped something open and it all came spilling out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it was good. I needed that. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I’d never dealt with all that stuff—the grief, the anger I felt toward Lauren. I’m afraid of what might’ve happened to me.”

He stroked her hair off her forehead, rested his hand there. “I won’t make the same mistakes with you. I won’t leave you, Krissa. Any longer than I have to. I know I was partially responsible for what happened with Lauren.”

“No.” She looked at him. “No, don’t do what I do. Don’t blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault.”

“I’m not taking all the blame. Believe me, I know Lauren was responsible for her own decisions. But…I have to accept some responsibility for things I did wrong. I know I neglected her. My career was just taking off. I was so excited, it was all I could think about.” He shook his head. “I was an idiot. But…I didn’t feel the way I do now. Sad to say. The truth is…I couldn’t leave you like I did Lauren.” He wouldn’t be taking off for months at a time to travel, like he did with Lauren. If he had to go for more than a couple of weeks, Krissa—and the baby—would come with him. He wouldn’t put his career over his family.

“You are so different from Derek,” she whispered.

“I watched you keep your anger all bottled up inside you and I knew you couldn’t keep doing that either. Some day it was going to come exploding out of you.”

“Oh, yeah. It came out.” She giggled. “You should have seen my parents’ faces when I told them about us.”

“Oh, Jesus. What did you say?”

“My mom figured we’d been screwing around on Derek after that morning she showed up.” She related her conversation with her parents, designed to shock them. And she told him about Cameron.

“Wow,” he said. “When you let it out, you let it out.”

“I never would have if it weren’t for you. You made me fight.”

“Ah, bunny.” He gathered her close.

“I’m not responsible for everyone’s problems.”

“Uh…no.”

“I’ve always felt that way,” she confessed into his chest. He stroked her hair. “With my mom, and with Derek. He did blame me for our problems. Even when we realized it wasn’t me that couldn’t get pregnant, he still made me feel like it was all my fault. It was my fault that he had to go screw other women.”

“Jesus. I’ll kill the fucking bastard.”

She moved her head against him. “No. Don’t kill him. He’ll figure it out. Maybe he already has.”

Nate knew he and Krissa had betrayed Derek. Derek had known about them, approved of it, encouraged them to have sex—but he hadn’t planned on them falling in love.

“I want us to be together, Krissa,” he said. “I want to be a father to this baby.”

She rolled toward him, pushed him onto his back and moved over him. “I want that too.” Eyes glistening, she bent and kissed him. “I love you. And I’m so sorry for how this started.”

“Don’t be sorry. Things happen for a reason. It was whacked, but in the end—maybe we all get what we deserve. I don’t know why I deserve you, but I’m just going to count myself lucky. I’m just sorry I lost my best friend.”

“Maybe you can forgive him some day.”

And maybe one day Derek would forgive him, too. A sad and hopeful anticipation filled him.

“I think I understand why he did what he did,” Krissa continued. “He just wasn’t a strong enough man to accept responsibility for his mistakes. And then he tried to make them right by using us to make him feel better. I was so determined to get what I wanted, I let him do it.”

“We all have our weaknesses.” And clearly, Krissa was his. He, too, had been drawn into Derek’s manipulations and he had to admit he hadn’t resisted all that hard. He’d known the kinds of problems they could face doing what they’d done, but he’d done it anyway because he’d been unable to resist Krissa’s sweet temptation. Logic and the knowledge of consequences, right versus wrong, had nothing to do with decisions made with the heart.

“Does he know…you’re pregnant?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t told him. I haven’t seen him other than just after I left. I wasn’t showing then. He may have heard from other people, though.” She sighed. “When he blamed me for him screwing around, that was it. I couldn’t take any more.”

“I wish you’d called me. I hate thinking about you being alone, finding out you were pregnant when you were alone.”

“I think it was good,” she whispered, stroking a hand through his hair, then over his cheek. “I had to be alone. I was so confused. I thought I loved Derek, and I thought I loved you. Then I felt like I hated him. I didn’t know how I felt. I was a mess.”

He covered her hand with his, pressed a kiss to her palm.

“I needed to figure myself out before I could figure us out,” she continued. Her eyes pleaded with him for understanding. And he did.

“I know.” He paused. “Me, too. Christ, Krissa, I didn’t know how lost I was. Until I found you.”

They’d done things that many would consider unforgivable. Nate wasn’t sure why he and Krissa were lucky enough to have found a second chance; a chance at happiness together. But he wasn’t going to risk losing it again. Facing the loss of his eyesight and his photography had been painful, but losing Krissa had been the worst agony of all.

She leaned in and kissed him. “We found ourselves. And we found each other.”

About the Author

To learn more about Kelly Jamieson please visitwww.kellyjamieson.com. Send an e-mail to info@kellyjamieson.com or join her Yahoo! Group http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KellyJamiesonnewsletter/ to get the latest news and contests.

Look for these titles by Kelly Jamieson

Now Available:

Love Me

Friends With Benefits

Love Me More

2 Hot 2 Handle

They agreed: All the fun, no messy emotions. Until their charkas aligned..

Friends With Benefits

© 2009 Kelly Jamieson

Yoga is Kerri Harris’s life, but that doesn’t mean she’s a New Age flake. She’s a successful businesswoman, and it’s about time everyone took her as seriously as her mother-of-two, “real-career” sister. That means adding a new item to her spreadsheet—marriage plan. There’s only one person she trusts to help her check off this task: her best friend Mitch.

Divorce attorney Mitch MacAuley gets the cold shivers at the mere mention of matrimony. After the disasters he’s witnessed from childhood, marriage equals miserable. The last thing he wants is to help Kerri down that road, but he’s never been able to say no to her. He expects to feel pity for her as she goes on one disastrous date after another. The complete surprise? Thinking about Kerri with those other guys makes him crazy.

Her frustration collides with his confusion, leading to a big fight, a hot kiss and a scorching sexual tension that hits them both broadside. Prompting Kerri to propose a new plan…to add the bedroom to their list of BFF benefits.

They quickly find out there’s nothing casual about the heat they generate. In fact, the burn could ruin a perfectly beautiful friendship.

Warning: This story contains a late-night booty call, hot hotel sex and naked yoga!

Enjoy the following excerpt for Friends With Benefits:

“I can’t believe you’ve set me up with all these guys and every single one of them has been all wrong for me. Not just wrong for me…like, not even close.”

“Uh…Kerri. I didn’t set you up with Eric. You met him at the golf tournament.”

“Well. You invited me to the golf tournament.”

Mitch sighed.

“It’s not just a coincidence, is it? You are doing this on purpose because you don’t want me to get married.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” he corrected her.

“So you admit it!”

“No! No, I don’t. You’re twisting things.”

She snorted. “How do you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.”

At that moment, Sela poked her head in to say she was leaving.

“I thought you left hours ago!” Kerri exclaimed. “What about your shopping?”

Sela glanced at her watch. “We still have time. Doug is bringing the girls to Paseo Nuevo and I’m meeting them there.”

“Go, go.” Kerri waved her hands. After they heard the door close behind Sela, she sighed. “That woman really has to learn to balance. Her family is paying the price for this move.”

Mitch nodded. “She is kind of driven, isn’t she?”

Kerri studied him. “Like you aren’t.”

He shrugged. “I balance fine.”

She glanced at him, remembering they’d been interrupted while starting to have a big fight.

“Look, Kerri,” he said. “I know you’re not happy, but you can’t blame me for all this. You have a role in it too.”

She gaped at him. “What are you saying? Are you saying I’m such a loser I can’t manage to attract a guy?”

“Jesus, no! That’s not what I’m saying.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“So you’re saying I’m deliberately sabotaging things for some strange subconscious reason of my own?”

He stared at her. “What drugs are you on? You’re acting nuts today.”

“Yeah, I’m crazy, that must be why I can’t find a husband.”

“Aaarrrgh!” He slid down the wall until he lay on the floor and covered his face with his hands. With his arms up like that, Kerri could see the paler skin on the underside, which emphasized the bulge of his biceps below the sleeves of his T-shirt. He stayed like that for a moment, dragging big, slow breaths into his lungs.

Kerri rolled in her lips and scooted a few inches away. Mitch had a temper, but he’d learned to control it over the years. And okay, she was acting like a bitch and hated herself for it, but the words just kept coming out of her mouth. She was just so frustrated and disappointed and Mitch was there to poke at, take out her frustrations on. A shiver trickled down her spine. Maybe she’d pushed too far.

She bit her lip as she looked at him. With his arms raised, his snug T-shirt had ridden up and she could see tanned, ripped abs and a hint of golden brown hair just above the low-riding waistband of his jeans. His hair was all tousled from running his hands through it. She swallowed.

She put a hand on his arm tentatively, wanting to apologize, fearful she’d pushed him too far and now he’d be really mad at her. She knew she could get away with a lot with Mitch and he just laughed at her, indulgently let her act all princessy, then called her on it and brought her back down to earth. But maybe this time his patience had run out.

His arms jerked away from his face at her gentle touch and she jumped back. He grabbed her hand, held it tightly. Now she could see his eyes flashing dark gold, his jaw clenched so tight she was sure it must hurt.

“M-mitch…I’m…”

“Kerri.” He growled, low and rough. “Just stop right now.”

She nodded a bit frantically. “I’m sorry. You can let go of my hand now.”

His fingers actually tightened on hers, crushing them, and she yanked on her hand. “Ow! Mitch, you’re hurting me! Let go.”

His hot gaze held hers as she tried to pull free.

“Jesus, Kerri.” His voice still sounded low and rough. “You can only push me so far.”

Her eyes wide, she watched a vein throb in his temple. She again tugged her hand away from his but he wouldn’t let go, rather pulled her toward him. She put her other hand out, palm flat on his chest, hot and hard under the soft T-shirt, to push him away. The warm scents of laundry detergent and male skin mingled as she breathed in, and she trembled.

She pushed ineffectually at him as he dragged her toward him, right up against him, practically on top of him.

“Mitch.” She struggled against him, but he was stronger than she was, and his powerful arms held her there. God, he was warm.

One big hand slid into her hair and cupped the back of her head. They stared at each other, Kerri’s heart banging against her ribs, tension crackling between them like static electricity, and then he pulled her to him and her mouth met his.

“Mmmph.” She tried to protest, shocked to her toes at Mitch’s actions. She dragged her mouth away from his. “Mitch! What are you doing? Are you—”

He kissed her again, his hands holding her head against his mouth and her body against his. Again, her palms pushed on his chest, but something happened inside her and to her shock and horror she was…aroused.

The liquid warmth between her legs and the flippy feeling of excitement low in her tummy stunned her. No! This was Mitch, her friend! She couldn’t be feeling like this. And what the hell was he doing?

He was kissing her. And kissing her again. And God, he was a really good kisser, his mouth firm and warm on hers, opening over hers, and her mouth parted for him. Astonishingly, she was kissing him back.

The room spun around her as he flipped her gently so she lay on her back, and he shifted beside her, so he was almost lying on top of her, his body big and heavy and warm against hers.

His mouth continued to devour her—long, consuming kisses, his tongue licking into her mouth, filling her mouth, and it was so exciting she thought she might burst into flames. God, it had obviously been a long time since she’d been with a guy if she was responding like this to Mitch. But she had never been so turned on as she was right then, and helplessly she arched into him, her hands clutching his shoulders through the soft cotton of his shirt and she kissed him back. Her tongue stroked his and he tasted faintly of the tea he’d had earlier and delicious warm male, so she opened wider, letting his tongue in, sucking his tongue, devouring him.

No, no, no. This should not be happening. The thought intruded into her foggy brain. But dear God, it felt so, so good.

“No,” she managed to moan, pulling her mouth away from his warm, wet one. “Mitch. This is wrong…”

“Christ, Kerri,” he muttered, burying his face into her neck, breathing deeply. “Christ.”

Her hands stilled on his shoulders as she felt him regaining some control, then she pushed hard and wriggled out from under his weight. She scrambled away from him on her hands and knees, half afraid he was going to grab her again, but he didn’t. He lay there, one arm covering his eyes, his chest rising and falling with labored breaths.

She sat on the floor, trembling. She put her fingers to her mouth and stared at Mitch in shock, unable to formulate any words. What had just happened?

Finally Mitch spoke. “Jesus, Kerri, I’m sorry,” he ground out.

“You damn well better be!”

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “You pushed my buttons…you just kept at it and I just…lost it.”

“But, Mitch…”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Anger flared in her, hot fury that he would do that, that he would jeopardize their friendship like that, that he would actually use her like that—and he was her best friend!

She jumped to her feet and rubbed her hands over her face. She twisted her hands together. Then she went over and punched his shoulder, as hard as she could.

“Ow!” He was totally unprepared, eyes still covered, and he jerked up. “What the hell was that? Jesus!

“You stupid, horny idiot! What the hell do you think you were doing? You’re supposed to be my friend!”

Not everyone has to go looking for love…for a lucky few, love finds them.

Shelter From the Storm

© 2010 Samantha Sommersby

In any other circumstance, Jennifer Jones’s first meeting with Maclain Moore would have been called serendipity, a happy coincidence. She’s looking for a new roommate; he’s looking for a place to live. It doesn’t hurt that he’s sexy as hell, either.

But the man who crosses her threshold isn’t there to sign on the dotted line—he’s the bearer of news bad enough to shake the very foundation of her life. A life built around a fierce sense of independence, born of a violent incident from her past.

Mac is no stranger to heartache. His career in social work immerses him in it, plus he has his own share of skeletons rattling around in his closet. His attempts to comfort Jennifer bring the two of them closer together. With each touch, she becomes harder to resist. Mac’s body’s response would try the patience of a saint. And a saint he’s not.

Baring her soul isn’t high on her list, but she finds herself opening up to Mac in ways that make it hard to hold him at arm’s length. And as her life spins out of control, their growing passion becomes the only tangible thing she can cling to…

This book has been previously published and has been revised and expanded from its original release.

Warning: This book may spoil you for real relationships. It contains a beautiful woman with a dark and dangerous past, sensational sailboat sex and a leather-wearing, motorcycle-riding man who loves kids, knows how to cook and actually listens.

Enjoy the following excerpt for Shelter From the Storm:

“One failed relationship and you’re willing to throw in the towel?” Mac climbed onto the bed and leaned back, resting comfortably on his elbows. “You’ve got to tell me why?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yeah, you do. We’re friends, first and foremost. As your friend, I deserve an explanation.”

Jennifer frowned. “Could you put a shirt on for the rest of this conversation?”

Mac looked down at his six-pack abs and smiled. “No. But I wouldn’t mind if you evened the score and took off your nightgown.”

Jennifer realized that was all she was wearing. Her nipples were hard and peaked and embarrassingly visible through the sheer silk fabric. She blushed. “I need to get a robe.”

“You don’t need to run away and you don’t need a robe.”

Jennifer glanced toward the door.

Mac sighed dramatically. “I’m not going to ravage you.”

“Ravage me? Have you been reading those bodice rippers again?”

“Ha-ha. Come on, out with it. Let me hear the details.”

“Details?”

“Your dating and sexual history. I want to understand what I’m getting into here.”

“You’re not getting into anything.”

He patted the space on the bed beside him.

Jennifer shook her head. “I so don’t remember agreeing to anything.”

“You will. It’s only a matter of time. I’m irresistible.”

“I think you mean irrepressible.”

“That too.”

“You know?” Jennifer feigned a yawn. “I’m not sure I’m up to this tonight. I think I’m going to turn in.” Her gaze returned to the door.

Mac stood and began to pull down the covers. “You win. No sex. No talking. No pressure. Stay.”

“What?”

“Stay here with me.”

“You mean sleep with you in your bed?”

“I want to be close to you.”

Jennifer shook her head. “Not a good idea. You know it isn’t.”

Mac grinned widely “You don’t trust yourself. See, I told you, irresistible.”

She couldn’t help but smile at his confidence. “You’re a hard man to say no to.”

He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him. The evidence of his arousal was pressing against her. “I’m hard, I’ll give you that. You seem to have that affect on me. But I also know how to control myself.”

“Even that dark side?”

“The idea that I might lose control scares you.”

“It thrills me and that scares me. I made a mistake once. I can’t afford to make that kind of mistake again. I’m not sure I could survive it.” Jennifer stared into his deep blue eyes. “Goodnight, Mac.”

“Goodnight.”

She pulled herself from his embrace and headed for the door. As she placed her hand on the doorknob, he softly said, “This wouldn’t be a mistake. Give this a chance.”

“I’ve given myself to someone before. Completely. It wasn’t enough. Not enough to keep him.”

“I’m not him. I’m me.”

“What I have to offer will never be enough, not for anyone. I’m…empty inside.”

“You’re not empty. I’ve seen glimpses of the girl inside. You’re more than window dressing.” He was standing right behind her now. “You’re just closed off from trying to protect yourself.”

Jennifer turned back around and leaned against the door. “Protect myself from what?”

“From having to face your demons, whatever they may be. Because if you do, really do, you have to admit it could all change. And that’s terrifying beyond belief.”

Her mouth was suddenly dry. She licked her lips.

Mac placed a hand on either side of her head and leaned in, until his forehead touched hers. “You don’t have to be afraid,” he whispered. Seconds ticked away. He slowly lowered his hands until they rested comfortably on her waist. Their breathing became synchronized.

She closed her eyes and felt him, drinking in his scent, allowing the tenderness of the moment to surround her. She let go, if only for a moment, relinquishing control. She permitted him to lead. The pace of his inhalations became deeper, more impassioned. A soft moan escaped her lips. Her resolve was crumbling. She placed her hand, hesitantly, on his forearm.

Mac kissed her on the forehead, then pulled back. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight?”

“Go off to your room and go to sleep, like a good girl. You don’t want me turning into the big bad wolf.”

“Would you eat me?” Jennifer looked up at him, her voice carrying a tone of feigned innocence.

Mac placed his hands on the door above her head, pinning her in. “You know? That was plain mean. I’m never going to sleep now. I’ll be up all night with visions of… You have an evil streak, Jennifer Jones!”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.” He opened the door and stepped back. “And I swear, if you offer to let me spank you for punishment I’m going to totally lose it.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what possessed me.”

“Maybe unresolved sexual tension so thick I can taste it from the next room?”

“Yeah. Goodnight, Mac.” She left, closing the door quietly behind her.

“One, two, three…fuck it.” Mac yanked the door open. She was halfway down the hall. In two strides he was on her. He grabbed hold of her hand, yanked her toward him and backed her up against the wall, one hand around her waist, the other around her neck.

“Mac—”

He crushed his lips to hers in a breath-stealing kiss. He didn’t try to hide his arousal. He didn’t try to hold back. He was tired of holding back. He wanted to let go. He wanted her to let go.

Jennifer’s hands flew up and tangled in his hair.

Mac needed her to know what she did to him, how she affected him, to feel the power she had over him. He tilted his pelvis so his erection pressed against her soft stomach. It made her gasp. He took immediate advantage, boldly slipping his tongue inside, letting is curl around hers. She was delicious. Her mouth was warm, wet, and oh-so-amazingly-sweet.

As soon as he tasted her, he knew she had been right. He wanted her, all of her. There was no hesitancy, no doubt, no denial. It was about a need that was almost primal. He thought of himself as civilized and sensitive. But here he was, wanting to mark, possess, consume her. No. Holds. Barred. He pulled back abruptly.

Her hair was mussed. Her eyes were wide. Whether from arousal, fear or a combination of both, he didn’t know. In the dim light of the hallway, he could see her lips were red and full from his assault.

“You’re right,” Mac admitted, turning away from her.

Still panting she reached out to touch him. “About?”

He drew back. “I want to make you mine.”

Sadness filled her eyes.

He couldn’t help himself. His hand lifted and caressed her cheek. “If I were to be perfectly honest I would tell you I’ve thought of little else since I saw you in that elevator.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’m probably no different than any other wanker you’ve ever dated, or slept with.” He took a fortifying breath before saying what needed to be said. “If you want me to move out, I will.”

“If I let you stay, are you going to attack me in the hallway again?”

He stepped back, breaking all contact.

“Mac?”

He looked her in the eye. “You didn’t push me away. You kissed me back. I wouldn’t have forced—”

Jennifer held up her hand. “I know. Now, it’s my turn to be honest. I needed that kiss. I wanted it, as much as you did. What I’m asking is, if you continue to live here, will it happen again?

“I don’t want to lie to you. Maybe. Probably. Not tonight, not tomorrow, but eventually. My kissing you again is a likely scenario.”

“You can stay.” She continued down the hall, into to her room “And, Mac?” She’d paused before closing the door.

“Yeah?”

“You are different.”

“Goodnight, Jennifer.”

“Goodnight.”

Beauty vs. power—a dangerous game with the heart as the prize…

For His Eyes Only

© 2009 Avery Beck

Jacey Cass radiates confidence and sensuality just once a year, when she meets her rich and powerful lover for a night of anonymous sex. The rest of her calendar is filled with the daily struggle to survive. Her cashier job at Insomnia, Miami’s hottest lingerie shop, doesn’t go far toward college tuition, but she’s determined to rise above her mother’s freeloading legacy.

Alex Vaughn is one promotion away from realizing his life’s ambition. For years he’s been forced to stand by and watch his father systematically destroy the values that made Insomnia great. Now, with an expected vacancy in the summer catalog, he takes a chance. He’s never formally met the fascinating woman he takes to bed every year, but he knows a marketable body when he sees one. The last thing he expects is for her to turn the opportunity down flat.

Jacey won’t consider a handout—even from the man whose white-hot caress is the one bright spot of her life. Then a modeling competition’s prize money lures her from behind the register and into the blinding spotlight, unaware of what the cost could be to her heart…

Warning: This title follows a young woman’s journey from fear of intimacy to trust in love, with frequent, explicit descriptions of the sensual lessons learned on the way.

Enjoy the following excerpt for For His Eyes Only:

They waited for the elevator. She wrapped her arms around Alex’s neck and kissed him, a chaste kiss appropriate for the public eye should anyone catch them. But when she pulled back and stared at him, the way her eyes darkened spoke volumes about the unchaste activities she expected to take place once they made it to his room.

Thankfully, the elevator doors closed before anyone else joined them. She slipped her arms inside his jacket, and the heat of her touch penetrated his shirt fabric while he pressed her to the wall, thrust his tongue into her mouth and ground his hips against hers.

“Well,” she teased when he rested the solid crotch of his pants against her thigh. “I can tell you’re ready.”

He closed his eyes, his hunger for her made almost unbearable by the taste of sweet wine she left on his lips. “Oh, don’t worry. You’ll be ready too.”

He put his hand beneath her skirt and trailed his finger along the satin edge of a soaking wet g-string, smothering her approving moan with another kiss. The ache in his groin intensified.

“I think you’re right,” she gasped when he let her go.

The doors opened. They greeted an older couple waiting to take the elevator and managed to maintain their composure until the door to his room locked behind them.

Then he couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’ve got to have you,” he insisted, expressing the thought that had plagued him all evening. He stepped up behind her and kissed the back of her neck, then lowered the zipper of her dress, his mouth following each tooth as it opened.

By the time he reached the zipper’s end, he was kneeling on the floor with the skinny strap of those panties right in front of him, urging him to tear the thing off. But he had just one night a year with her, and he wouldn’t end it within the first three minutes.

The dress and the lingerie hit the floor before he had a chance to contemplate his next move. He looked up, managing to catch the mischievous grin on his lady’s face before she turned and strode across the room, the silken curves of her ass draped in nothing but moonlight.

He stood, his fingers clenched with the need to touch her. “Where are you going?”

“You’ll see.”

She opened the French doors that led to a private terrace and disappeared around the corner. “Care to join me?” her voice called through the darkness.

He nearly ran to the balcony, stopping just long enough to pull protection from his pocket and take off his suit. When he found her, she was shoulder-deep in the hot tub, curling her index finger at him.

“Hurry,” she whispered. He could see her squirming beneath the bubbly surface.

“You sure know how to make a man crazy.”

He sank into the warm water and pulled her against him, relishing the reunion of their naked bodies. The money and power that accompanied his position at Insomnia never left him without a date for long, but this woman was no ordinary piece of arm candy. She charged him like an electric current, and their annual rendezvous was just about the only time he felt like a flesh-and-blood man instead of a corporate puppet.

Without exception, when he took other women out, they immediately brought up his job. Each of them shared a mammoth interest in his money and his ability to discover the next pin-up girl.

But not this one. The woman in front of him was wet, naked, and beautiful—and completely uninterested in his paycheck. He didn’t think he’d find a more perfect woman if he could design one himself.

Her fingers entwined in his hair, tugging him from his thoughts. She kissed him with a desperation that seemed to match his and pushed him down until he sat on the tub’s ledge, the water swirling around his ribs. Then she straddled his lap.

“I need your touch.”

Her words energized him and brought his full attention back to the reason they were there. He dropped his hand under the bubbles, skimming her torso until he found the softness between her thighs and unraveled her desire.

“Here?”

“Alex…” She surged against his chest and her fingernails dug into his shoulder.

“That wasn’t a scream,” he objected.

“Not yet it wasn’t.”

He massaged her, increasing the pace of his stroke while she squirmed and begged and then came hard, bucking against him and crying out loud. Still trembling, she shifted in his lap, took his shaft in her hand and rubbed it against her flesh.

“Do it,” she urged.

Her pleas turned to moans when he complied, slipping inside her and reacquainting himself with her warmth, her kisses, her cries. When he was lost in the taste and scent and feel of her, once again sharing with her the deepest kind of intimacy, he realized there was one problem with his perfect woman.

He didn’t know her, not the way he should. At least she could list some of his basic information, like his position at the company and what his mother had been calling him since birth. He couldn’t do the same for her. He knew that if he leaned down and sucked on her nipple right now, she’d come again. And if he gently bit the tender spot on her neck, right behind her earlobe, she’d arch backward and push him further into her body.

It was incredible, but it wasn’t enough. Not when he held her so close that he couldn’t tell his breath from hers, and when he kept imagining waking up in his bed at home with her beside him.

He anchored one hand on her hip and brushed the other through her mass of platinum curls, the ends wet and clinging to her breasts. “Tell me your name.”

She blinked, uncertainty clouding her face. But he looked into her eyes and moved slowly within her, and she relaxed. “It’s Jacey.”

“That’s a lovely name.”

“Thank you. Alex.” She giggled, then gasped and held tightly to him as he began to thrust harder. Her hips matched his intense rhythm, and he broke into a sweat caused by more than the temperature of the water.

At last, he knew her name.

Samhain Publishing, Ltd.

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Table of Contents

Lost and Found

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four