Vengar the Barbarian in...
The King, His Son, Their Sorcerer and His Lover

by Chris J. Randolph

It was the third week of the Hyperbolic Age and things were going just terribly. In fact, if the previous two weeks were any indication, the Hyperbolic was a real stinking crap heap of an age, rife with senseless wars, vicious earthquakes and great belching, burping volcanoes. It was pretty much the worst thing to grace a calendar since the abominable eighth day of the week, whose vile name is best left forgotten.

This foul age began with the destruction of the pearl of the oceans, the wondrous island nation known since the hoariest days of old as Atlantis. What the Atlanteans did to deserve such punishment will forever remain a mystery, but so offensive and plentiful were their sins that forty-eight Gods banded together and rained divine fury down upon them. The doomed continent and its perverse populace were first harried by a half-dozen typhoons, then smothered in molten lava, crushed by a fearsome hail of meteors and finally dashed apart by a day long earthquake which sunk the last smoking ruins deep beneath the churning waves.

Echoes of this cataclysm rumbled out across the world, sowing despair in their wake and summoning every manner of warlord and deranged sorcerer to action. Thus began a time of iron-fisted oppression and bloodstained battlefields, of the blackest magics imaginable and even darker hatred between men. In short, the Earth was a bloody mess.

Into this melodramatic yet somehow lost age strode a mighty figure, a king cursed to never again remember his homeland, who wandered the thousand and one kingdoms in search of that which he had lost. He was a soldier, a thief, a killer for hire and a hero by chance, given to a monstrous humor which barely concealed an even greater anguish. His name was Vengar and, despite it being rather trendy, he was a barbarian.

As was his way, Vengar stalked across the shattered lands on sandaled feet. His gleaming emerald eyes forever scanned the horizon and his wavy mane of obsidian hair whipped about in the grit-riddled wind. He wore the ruddy hides of his people (that is, hides like those his people traditionally wore... not hides made of them), and upon his back rested a sword so large it stretched the very bounds of credulity.

His present journey had been both long and arduous. He marched for countless days across the craggy Peligross Desert with nothing to sup upon but the giant spitting scorpions which lurked in every shadow, and he drank what few drops of water could be squeezed from the region's dagger-spined plants. Hence, it filled the barbarian's ham-sized heart with a ham-sized joy when finally he came to the lush and lovely banks of the Maddivur River, and caught sight of the red-walled city waiting on her far side.

Vengar marched up to the city's main gate and stood still as an oak, his hulking physique rigid with power and his countenance grim as a tombstone. The wind whistled softly, and he could just barely hear the muffled bustle of civilization beyond.

"In the name of Hasrik, almighty king of Tensara, halt," said a helmeted soldier in the guard post above. Vengar couldn't possibly halt any more than he had already halted, so he did nothing at all. That seemed to suffice. "Announce yourself," the soldier said.

"I am Vengar," the barbarian called out, his words crashing forth like a rock slide.

"And what business do you seek in Tensara?" The soldier's face was hidden within his helm, but Vengar doubted there was even a scant trace of a beard upon it. By the cracking of his voice, the young soldier hadn't yet seen fifteen seasons, and Vengar could only wonder what sort of city defended its walls with children.

After a moment, Vengar motioned toward the vast sword peeking up over his shoulder. "I'm a barbarian," he said. "Clearly, I have come to trade earthen wares."

The soldier froze like a red elk caught in the light of a bright torch, then ducked his helmeted head behind the wall and had a hushed conversation with someone who remained unseen. He popped back up a second later. "Ummm... No thanks. We have plenty already. Earthen wares are one of our chief exports, you see. Lots of clay about these parts, so I'll thank you to kindly be on your way."

Vengar sighed, and spared a glance at the great tower looming in the distance. It was hewn of the same red sandstone as the city walls, except at its bulbous tip where gems glittered in every known hue. It looked precisely like an oversized sceptre rising up from the Earth (definitely a sceptre, Vengar reassured himself), and the barbarian could imagine only one sort of person that would choose to live in such a place.

"Sorcerer," he whispered beneath his breath while dreams of filthy riches swirled between his ears. He let the sumptuous visions linger for a moment before banishing them with a shake of his mighty head, then bellowed, "Hark sapling, and hark ye well! I trade in blows, and I think it only fair to warn you... business has been smashing. Now, will you open the gate and grant me passage, or would you care to sample my product instead?"

The guard squeaked and again ducked behind the wall where he had another, more frantic, conversation. When they finished, Vengar heard one of the pair take off running, while the other worked the mechanism that opened Tensara's huge, spiky gate.

What awaited him on the other side was impressive. The city of Tensara stretched out before the mighty barbarian, every inch of it teeming with life. Guards guarded and jugglers juggled while orange-robed cultists walked by in single-file, chanting in strange and unfamiliar tongues. All sorts of merchants lined the streets, some at hastily erected stands and others carting their goods about in wheelbarrows. The most strident among them were the meat vendors who hawked delectable bits of goat, camel and mysterious other. They waved bright red slices above their heads while their shrill ululations rang out across the way.

Vengar waded into the crowd, taking in all the many awesome sights which surrounded him. After so long in the simplicity of the wilderness, it was unsettling to once again be among people and their wicked ways. Worse still, he detected an undercurrent of something unusual about these folk, but couldn't put a sausage-like finger on what that something could be.

As in most cities, there were all manner of people going about their business: stout men and spindly ones, women beauteous and hideous alike, and dirt-faced children darting about everywhere under foot. They were a loud and unruly lot, except when the roving bands of armored soldiers marched by, at which time everyone fell silent as a wild hare in cheetah country.

Then Vengar realized what was bothering him. It was the eyes. In a thriving city like Tensara, the barbarian expected to see the light of life burning behind every pair. The brightness of inflamed passion—of love, sadness, suspicion and fury—was missing, and the people's eyes were instead sunken, dark and gloomy. They were the eyes of a people long besieged, yet no enemy camped at their gate.

There was mystery afoot, and it quickened Vengar's pulse. This place was a great city—one of the ten largest in all the thousand and one kingdoms—yet its walls were guarded by squeaky-voiced children and the populace was chronically depressed. "What in the hell of Genjiss, pit of a thousand bleating goats, is going on here?" the barbarian asked aloud.

No one answered, though his outburst attracted a half-dozen suspicious looks.

He wandered the crowded streets and alleys of Tensara for some time while he puzzled over the problem. Any number of different theories ran through his mind yet none satisfied, so he finally decided to take matters into his own boulder-like hands. At random, he grabbed one of Tensara's sullen, plain-looking women by the collar and said, "Pardon me, plain-looking woman."

The plain-looking woman took one glance at the mound of muscles which had hold of her and croaked, "What?"

"Pray tell, what vexes your people so?"

She looked to her left as a band of soldiers marched by, then to her right where more orange-robed cultists were stepping lightly and chanting. Each group paid an awful lot of attention to the other. "Gentle barbarian," the woman said without irony, "what doesn't vex my people?"

With that, she yanked her plain-looking collar free of Vengar's hands and went about her plain-looking way.

Unfazed despite being no closer to an answer, Vengar shook his head with a grunt and continued on. He had the distinct feeling of being watched wherever he went, but that was hardly new. It was impossible for a hulking, heavily armed brute such as himself to go unnoticed, and he'd long ago gotten used to the ever-present itch of prying eyes. In fact, his mere presence garnered so much attention that a casual stroll around usually proved sufficient advertising for his services.

At every step, the answer to the mystery eluded Vengar's grasp, while the looming tower continued to taunt him with its oddly flaring architecture and the promise of strange treasures hoarded within. He could practically smell the melon-sized jewels, the esoteric trinkets, the golden idols of perverse gods... and his mouth watered at the very thought.

As the weary sun set over Tensara, it burnished the sky in shades of gold and bronze, while the city's red stone skin seemed to glow. Inky clouds of smoke issued forth from round chimneys to stain the molten sky, their gibbous puffs breaking apart into limp threads like the decaying clothes of a dead man tossed out to sea, until finally the blue-black veil of night fell and erased them from sight.

The city transformed in the cool night air, once resplendent beneath the fury of the sun but now a sanctuary of the pale moon, whose dim light painted the stone tenements everywhere in spectral tones. All over town, the yellow-orange glow of hearth fires refused to be contained; they leaked out through the loose slats of doors and boarded windows, and every so often burst into the street only to be devoured by the cold darkness which crouched in waiting beyond.

All was quiet and subtle as a young girl's first proclamation of love, yet Vengar's cat-like senses detected something of interest. Soft sounds of drunken revelry and the scent of roasted meats drifted on the summer breeze, leading him out into the darkness of night like a siren's song.

The source turned out to be an inconspicuous tavern hidden deep in the foulest part of town, in a maze of back-alleys and cul-de-sacs that must have confounded even the locals. Its entrance was a plain, unadorned door without any sort of sign or placard, leading Vengar to believe the establishment neither required nor desired advertising. He also recognized a certain acrid smell which told him the tavern's name would be known in all the right circles, and bitterly sought after in all the wrong ones.

The main room was sunken several feet beneath ground level, and as Vengar stepped down into it, his nose and mouth were assaulted by a pungent mixture of arcane smokes and mind-bending vapors. The air was thick, moist and sticky, filled with a constant rumble of conversation punctuated here and there by peals of roguish laughter. While the patrons sipped at frothy mugs and fanciful hookahs, their steely hands hovered over daggers and their eyes danced all around, keeping close check on one another as well as the barbarian who'd just stepped through the door.

Only one man seemed unconcerned by Vengar's arrival. He sat in a dim corner with his ornately tattooed arms resting on the chewed-up tabletop, and he kept his face hidden in the shadow of a leather hood. He remained eerily motionless while his entourage of muscle-bound and partially armored thugs drank and merrily belched out tuneless songs.

Vengar ignored the hooded man, and summoning all of the swagger at his disposal, strode through the room and up to the bar. He slyly scanned the men he passed along the way, noting a half-hidden set of lock-picks here, a disguised blackjack there, ruffled sheets of stained paper stuffed inside of sleeves, and silken sashes bearing tiny vials of colorful liquids. Whatever the tavern's name, it was obviously a den of thieves and second rate magicians, where foul business was conducted in the safety of the shade.

In short, it was Vengar's kind of scene.

He pulled out a creaky stool and waved to the sneering, cratered face behind the bar. "Strong ale in the largest flagon you have," Vengar said as he placed a single gold piece on the counter.

The bartender nodded and somehow sneered even more, then went to fetch the ale. The fellow hadn't yet returned when Vengar felt something supple press up against him. The barbarian didn't turn his head. Not yet.

"The evening's greetings to you, oh mighty warrior." Her voice was smooth and melodic, the tones as sweet as Spring's first nightingale. With each word, Vengar could feel her heavy bosom heave against him, and as she finished, her wide-flared hips slid across his thigh.

In return, Vengar gave her only silence. Her performance was all too practiced, and he reckoned he'd better keep a watchful eye on his drinks this night, lest he find himself drugged and dragged away into slavery... again.

The bartender returned and set down a flagon that was nearly large enough, then plucked the gold coin from the counter. He eyed the woman at Vengar's side suspiciously, but he more than likely gave everyone that look. It was just common sense in his line of business.

"Tell me," the woman said, her voice as demure as an open mouthed kiss, "by what name are you known?"

"I am Vengar," Vengar said. He still refused to face her.

She pressed on. "And from whence do you come?"

At that, Vengar said only, "I do not know."

His answer brought on a puzzled silence. The woman had doubtlessly never heard such a thing before, and in all likelihood never would again. It was then that Vengar finally turned to look at her; tawny hair fell in rolling waves, framing a lovely face with golden-brown eyes drawn wide with confusion. Her features were delicate and her complexion dusky, like the peoples of Northern Ellysium.

"How," she stammered, then moved closer until her lips nearly brushed the barbarian's ear. "How could you not know where you're from?"

Vengar took a mouthful of bitter ale and savored it for a moment, then took a breath and slowly began to recount his fateful tale. His voice started out more gentle than a forest stream as he described the half-remembered circumstances which drove him out on his quest, but as more listeners gathered, his volume grew and grew until his words bellowed like a howling volcanic rift.

By the time Vengar reached the climax, the entire tavern had gathered round to listen and were teetering on the edges of their seats, filled with a swirling cocktail of terror and awe. The great barbarian towered above them, pantomiming the last moments of his epic battle. His swollen muscles rippled as he swung an imaginary sword, and he wore a mask of demonic rage. "...but then verily did I grasp the truth! The black, beating heart upon the dais was the wellspring of the witch's unnatural powers," he said. "With every last ounce of my strength, I struck at the odious thing! My blade sunk deep, and I drove it deeper still until a light brighter than the midday sun burst from within its loathsome, bubbling flesh.

"The witch cried out in agony, her treacherous voice rocking the castle to its foundation, and that was the moment she chose to lay her damnable curse upon me. Dark magics seethed out from her wretched, shriveling fingers, like a thousand cobwebs black as pitch, and they snatched the memories right from my head. 'Suffer this curse, barbarian,' she uttered on her dying breath, 'your mind like a burnt and scattered tome, never again shall you know your home.'"

"Such vile deviltry!" someone cried out.

"And worse," Vengar went on, "the witch's spell dealt me a terrible blow, mighty as a stroke from a stone hammer. It sent me reeling across the crumbling floor and cast me into the sea." His voice turned suddenly solemn. "Thus was I set adrift for untold days, the currents carrying me where they willed, until finally they saw fit to wash me ashore. I woke on the sand just as I am today... forever more a broken man... a warrior without a home... a king without a throne."

For an instant, it seemed that a single tear might issue forth from his emerald eye, but the glistening hints of it instead vanished from sight. There followed a moment of stunned silence among his audience, broken at last by an explosion of thunderous applause and stifled sobs.

Vengar bowed deeply, then bent toward the lusty lady who had remained by his side throughout the telling of his tale. Her eyes were just as wide as before, but now in amazement rather than confusion. In a husky stage-whisper, he said, "And that, buxom maiden, is why I do not know where I'm from."

She purred.

Vengar and his new mistress were treated to countless rounds of bitter ale and more than a few lungfuls of acrid smoke, and after a few hours of such festivities, they took leave of the nameless tavern and ventured out into the streets. The saucy wench led him on a twisting route through Tensara for the next several hours, teasing and taunting him, flirting and flaunting every last inch of her ample curves. Her bright lips were moist and they seemed to beg for Vengar's searing kiss, yet they remained inches out of reach, drawing the barbarian ever on like Tantalus beneath his tree.

Finally, just when Vengar had reached his limits and feared he might explode, his opportunity appeared. With a wicked grin, his lady leaned back against a stone wall and stretched her arms high above her head, the motion drawing her supple flesh taut. The soft skin of her neck was pale blue in the moonlight and smooth as polished marble. The softest moan ever heard slipped out between her parted lips.

The barbarian stooped down and produced a throaty growl which rumbled deep with anticipation. He reached out to her, his arms as gnarled and unyielding as an old oak tree, and he took hold of her at the waist. His rough and ready lips neared her silken own, and then she... cried out in anguish.

"What in the hell of Khakmeh, the bubbling lake of excrement, is wrong?"

"I'm s-s-s-sorry..." she barely managed to choke out. Her saucer like eyes went glassy, and then as if a dam broke, rivers of tears flashed down her comely cheeks. "It's... it's just this horrible place."

Vengar leaned back away from her and got his bearings. Much to his surprise, he discovered the sceptre-like tower blotting out the sky above him. The wall they were leaning against surrounded it, sectioning off some sort of private compound within.

"Sorcerer," the barbarian said again. The word was sour and dripping with thirty kinds of venom. "Tell me, maiden... What about this place vexes you so?"

She didn't skip a beat, except perhaps those she stumbled over with her melodramatic bawling. "M-m-my sister Lilandra. She w-was kidnapped by Iximan, the vicious sorcerer who calls the tower his h-h-home."

"Hmmmm," Vengar intoned as he stroked his chiseled chin. "That does sound rather like a sorcerer."

She went on. "We belong to a nomadic tribe of goatherds who wander the desert north of here. We lived such a peaceful life, but then Iximan and those damned cultists came upon us in the night. Tales of Lilandra's beauty had spread far and wide, and when Iximan discovered she was even more lovely than the stories proclaimed, he carried her away to his tower where he keeps her as his... his loooove slaaaave!"

Vengar's face tightened with rage and his heart churned into motion. A lovely maiden in peril always had that effect on him. In another moment, the boisterous little hero inside his head took over, and with a snarl Vengar said, "I'll save her."

"I knew you would," his lady replied beneath her breath.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

Vengar's righteous rage was momentarily buried under a mound of confusion. "That thing you said a second ago. I said that I'll save Lilandra, and then you said something else." His lips formed a silent O and one of his eyes went all squinchy.

His lady stammered. "Oh. Yes... I said something, but what was it? Ummm.... Oh! I said I knew you were good. That was it."

At that, Vengar puffed up with self-satisfaction. Of course he was good. He was damned good, and any fool could see it. If his new lady-friend was already absent-mindedly muttering about how good he was, then frolicking couldn't be far behind. Rough frolicking, with lots of hair pulling and monkey sounds.

"So damned good," he said while visions of said frolicking ran rampant through his muscle-bound mind.

"Uh, Vengar?"

"What?"

"Weren't you about to get going?"

The dreams vanished from his eyes and he snapped back to his usual raptor-like sharpness. "Yes. Of course."

She reached into her skin-tight halter and plucked out a sealed envelope. Vengar stared in wonder, unable to comprehend how anything else could fit inside such a tightly packed shirt. Then she reached into the other side and pulled out a small vial full of blue liquid, and Vengar gave up on reason altogether.

"Here," she said, handing both items to the barbarian. "My sister is under a terrible enchantment, and were she to leave the tower awake, she would wither away and die within the hour. The vial contains a mystic concoction that will put her into deepest sleep. Just apply a few drops to a piece of cloth and hold it to her face."

"Drug her. Got it."

"Good. After that, escape the tower with utmost haste. Any dallying may be the death of her. Then, once you're free of the compound and she reawakens, give her the letter and she'll lead you to our meeting place. With my sister safely returned, we will both undoubtedly want to give you a fitting reward."

"Check and check," Vengar said.

"And mighty Vengar..."

"Yes?"

"Be careful," she said with a fluttering of her lashes.

"Careful? No worries. I'm good, remember? Damned good," he said, and then was on his way.

It didn't take Vengar long to clear the compound's wall. He bounded up the first tree he found with a swiftness and grace unfitting of his bulky physique, and moved from trunk to limb as smooth and silent as a prowling leopard. From there, he leapt to the wall, slid over its top and dropped into the shadowed brush beyond.

He found himself then in a great courtyard circled by scores of fragrant gardens and tiny ponds. Macabre hedge sculptures lurked everywhere, their ghastly shapes resembling no creatures born of this Earth, and a mosaic path of red and green stones wound a twisting route between them. Upon those paths walked the bare-footed, bald-headed cultists in their robes of vibrant orange. Each carried a tambourine in one hand and a shepherd's crooked staff in the other, and they mindlessly drummed the two together as they strolled the grounds.

Despite their flabby bodies and dreamy demeanor, Vengar was sure the cultists were a guard patrol. Their tambourines rang out with an unerring rhythm, keeping them in contact with one another even when out of sight, and their staffs were far too long for simple drumming. They were of fighting length.

Vengar briefly toyed with the idea of chopping them all into bloody bite-sized bits, but thought better of it. There was no telling what sort of forces lay within the tower, and it was vastly easier to murder men who never saw it coming. Vengar prided himself on just that sort of pragmatism.

Instead, he made his way silently around the tower, ducking from one shrub monster to the next and melting into the shadows so perfectly that no mortal eye could follow him, until finally he had circled around to the entrance. There, he peeked out from behind his hiding spot. After one good look, any illusions he had of strolling through the door melted as fast as freshly churned butter in the Summer sun. Two giant cultists stood astride the gated portal, each a full head taller than Vengar, and between them paced a lean and well groomed tiger.

Vengar had never seen such a beast tamed before, and the thought alone made his ham-sized heart as heavy as two whole hams. Tigers weren't meant to march to the beat of a human drum; they, like Vengar, were remnants of an ancient and disappearing world that had existed since the Earth was first cleaved from the heavens. They stood for purity, simplicity and uncontrollable...ness...osity... even in the face of man's wicked order.

Vengar would rather see the majestic creature dead than victim to such perversion. In fact, the sight tortured him as much as if he'd just seen his own brother yoked and pulling a slave-master's plow, and for a moment, the tiny wild animal that lived in his mind waged bitter war against his tiny hero. It was no use, though. The tiny hero triumphed, and with his minuscule boot firmly planted atop his defeated foe, he pointed determinedly toward the distressed damsel still detained in the dastardly defiler's demesne.

"Ugh," Vengar grumbled. He often hated that tiny hero for any number of excellent reasons. Alliteration wasn't least among them.

With the matter settled, Vengar gave the giants and the brainwashed animal one more wistful look, then turned about and circled back the way he'd come. He moved fluidly from one hedge sculpture to the next, always wary of the robed guards and their endless song, until he came to the tower's opposite side. There, he scanned around for another way in, but found only one. It was clearly the worst option possible.

Sadly for Vengar, it was all he had.

The barbarian waited in perfect silence, all the while watching the cultists wander and listening to the thump and crash of their tambourines. Bum-tsh, bum-tsh, bum-tsh they went, one growing quieter as it ambled into the distance, and another simultaneously growing louder as it approached.

Then Vengar's moment came and he seized it. He raced across the paving stones with long, even strides and jumped with all his might. The great, ropy muscles of his legs exploded with pent up power and the massive bulk of him sprang up into the air.

The wind whistled by.

The wall approached fast as a diving hawk.

He collided with a dull thump.

There wasn't any time to curse. He ignored the sudden full body ache and began to scramble up the side of the wall, finding hand-holds everywhere in the strange, uneven surface. It wasn't long before he was up above the wandering cultists' eye-line, yet a glance skyward revealed he was in for a long, hard climb.

Vengar reached the top of the tower just as the glow of sunrise began to show over the far black horizon. Panting and covered in a slick layer of sweat, he clambered over the edge and collapsed in a heap, thoroughly exhausted after hours of non-stop exertion.

He lay there for a long while watching the stars sail across the deepness of the sky, and he enjoyed the rough winds that whipped past in howling gusts. He was starting to think (with no small measure of jealousy) that sorcerers lived a pretty charmed life, what with all the devoted cultists, luscious love slaves, and pretentiously tall towers. "Not bad at all," he said to himself, and both his wild animal and tiny hero concurred.

When finally he climbed back to his feet, he discovered a vista like none he'd ever beheld. From the jewel-encrusted glans of the tower, he could see clear out across torch-lit Tensara and he marveled at the haphazard way her streets zigged and zagged across the land. He thought it looked rather like a web spun by a drunken spider.

At the city's furthest edge squatted a sprawling palace adorned with cyclopean stone columns and a golden dome swollen like an overfilled wineskin. The riches hidden away within no doubt made those of the sorcerer's tower green with envy.

Vengar could've spent all morning absorbing that view, and perhaps even the whole day, but there wasn't time. Instead, he wrenched himself away and returned to the task at hand. After all, there were lovely ladies waiting to be liberated and a bevy of brilliant baubles to be burgled.

With one hand on the hilt of his titanic sword, Vengar entered the dim doorway and stalked down the winding staircase that followed. Braziers full of crackling coals lined the walls, bathing the stone passage with a reddish light, and the smell of roasted meats wafted by. Sounds of worship echoed from somewhere far below and they grew louder with each step, filling Vengar with an inexplicable dread.

Suddenly, there was a strange snorting sound ahead and Vengar froze in his tracks. His fingers tightened around his sword's leather-wrapped handle, and he slid the humungous weapon an inch from its sheath.

A shadow danced on the walls before him, but its shape was strange and Vengar could make neither heads nor tails of it, no matter how he tried. The peculiar creature came floating into view a few seconds later.

Against all reason, a disembodied nose as large as a human head hovered languidly in the air a few short yards away. It was rounded and bulbous, a healthy pinkish color with a few traces of gin-blossoms, and had a tangle of tentacle-like hairs dangling listlessly from its cavernous nostrils.

This creature could not be, and yet it was. Presented with this conundrum, Vengar struggled bitterly against the madness which raged like a forest-fire across his psyche. It required every last ounce of his indomitable will—even his tiny hero held on for dear life—but he refused to let insanity consume him, and he survived it by the skin of his teeth.

The nose moved slowly about. It would find something of interest, sniff the thing, then wander to a new spot only to sniff something there for a moment and wander yet again. When it came finally to the barbarian, who remained still as a bronze colossus, the creature gave pause. It descended inch by harrowing inch until it hovered just above him. Its tentacular hairs brushed back and forth across Vengar's face, viciously tickling as they went, and then... it sniffed him.

This sniff was no ordinary sniff. It sucked in with the force of a hurricane, the wind disappearing into parts unknown and quite likely unknowable. The suction pulled at the toned flesh of Vengar's face, and a hideous squelching noise filled the passage.

It finished its inhalation and nothing happened for an agonizingly long moment. There was a queer silence filled with Vengar's dread, and then the beastly nose sniffed again. Its terrible suction was doubled, the squelching became deafening, and yet Vengar refused to budge even an inch throughout the ordeal. Then, despite the nose's perfect and complete lack of shoulders, it somehow shrugged and went about its way.

A shudder overtook the mighty barbarian, after which he quickly regained his composure and journeyed on.

As he descended through the countless levels of the tower, he passed one door after another, each containing a different collection of odds and ends. In some, he saw cultists performing strange exercises, contorting their bodies into all manner of uncomfortable positions, and in others there were banal things like mops and brooms. Many were filled with cupboards full of unremarkable food stuffs, while one particularly unsettling room contained a group of curious unhatched eggs, each a half-foot long and covered in throbbing purple veins.

That made Vengar think of breakfast, and thinking of breakfast invariably made him angry for some reason he couldn't recall. Whether out of spite or simply morbid curiosity, he plucked one of the eggs from the room and placed it tenderly in his journey-bag.

He continued on. After an hour of traveling down the long and winding staircase, the passage opened up into a grand chamber so large that Vengar wondered how it could possibly fit inside the tower. Sorcery, no doubt. The room had a high vaulted ceiling and was lavishly decorated, its every piece of furniture gilded and upholstered in purple silk. On the far side stood a fanciful throne in the shape of a scorpion, and before it lay a grand buffet full of succulent fruits and savory roasted delights.

Vengar stepped out into the chamber, and the sound of his footfalls, as miraculously quiet as they were, echoed out like a clatter of bones on granite. He immediately stopped in place and listened, but there was nothing to hear aside from the ceaseless murmurs of worship and his own quickened breath.

He pressed on, each step placed lighter than the last for fear of triggering some dastardly trap. Perhaps there was something hidden behind those tapestries on the far wall? Best to duck beneath them in case they fired arrows, fireballs or some other unpredictable and ungodly thing. And the soft rug with extravagant pattern which lay in the middle of the floor? Could be concealing a tiger pit. The inviting chairs might turn into man-eating monsters, the fabulous crystalline chandelier could be rigged to fall, and the mouth-watering food laid out on the table was surely poisoned. Yes, even the whole suckling pig slow roasted to crackling perfection, with onions and carrots and leeks.

"Iximan, you wily bastard. But behold, I've foiled all of your clever traps," Vengar said as he passed blithely by the last of the obstacles. The tiny hero cheered his copious courage and cunning, while the wild animal purred with approval.

He found exactly what he was looking for on the other side of the throne: a passage leading to the sorcerer's private quarters.

The passage was short but magnificent. The walls were decorated with elaborate bas-reliefs depicting wars between mostly forgotten gods, and every few paces, another pair of arabesqued columns stood to either side of the tunnel like silent stone guardians.

At the tunnel's end, Vengar came to a large door carved from a single piece of hard, dark wood. He opened it with the most subtle pressure, and on the other side he found a room like none other. It was a bedchamber of the utmost opulent decadence, making even the throne room before it seem humble and lowly by comparison.

The room was circular and all within it was suffused with a warm, golden glow of unknown provenance. The walls were adorned with thousands of precious gems, hundreds of triangular mirrors casting shafts of light, and a striking assortment of statues, some horrific and others breathtakingly beautiful. An enormous bed made of pure gold occupied the center of the space, standing on lion's legs and topped by a mirrored silver canopy.

Upon that bed and its lustrous purple sheets lay the most wondrous treasure of all. With pale white skin and hair of purest black, the lady Lilandra slumbered there in soundless peace, wearing a sheer white dress that left precious little to the imagination. There was a hint of pleasant plumpness to her curves that reminded Vengar of fertile foothills, and the expanses of creamy smooth skin on display looked softer than a drifting cloud.

The barbarian approached more quietly than an owl on outstretched wing, and the maddening pulchritude of the maiden filled his hungry eyes. A feeling overtook him just then as if he'd fallen prey to some contemptible enchantment; it felt like all the blood rushed out of his head, silencing his tiny hero while its counterpart, the wild animal began to bawdily pant and thrash in a frenzy.

Vengar struggled to keep hold of his own reins against the crazed pounding of his heart and the uncomfortable tightness in his pants. It was a desperate struggle, and he summoned every technique he knew in the war against his basest urges. He closed his eyes and counted to ten, and yet still the lustful spell persisted. He began to recite the names of all one-hundred-and-twelve hells, and by the thirty-sixth (the hell of Flatuleh, the bubbling bog of noxious gas), he finally found some relief.

He opened his eyes but now wisely refused to look at Lilandra head-on, who lay prostrate before him in all her blossoming glory. With his head canted to one side, he reached into his journey-bag and removed the small glass vial with its soporific solution. One hand plucked a rag from his belt while the other thumbed the vial's stopper with a pop.

He doused the rag and leaned in, doing his best not to notice the exquisite lines of her heart-shaped face. He ignored her eyebrows, each like graceful strokes from a master artist's brush, and the long lashes that swept up and out with a jubilant curve. He paid no mind to her flush cheeks, her dainty and ever-so-slightly upturned nose, or the full, pouty lips that glistened beneath it. Well... he very nearly ignored them, at least.

The one fact that caught a hold of his mind and refused to be shaken was that Lilandra looked nothing like the people of Northern Ellysium, yet he couldn't remember why that might be important.

With that lone thought echoing in the hollow chamber of his skull, he leaned the final inch and prepared to drug the poor imprisoned girl. Then he caught an unfortunate scent, and the whole situation changed.

He wasn't sure at first, so he sniffed at the air and caught another spare hint of it. Then he gave a mighty suck to rival those of the floating nose encountered in the stairwell, and he was finally sure.

"By the hell of Lopan, the pit where they flay off your skin, this isn't a sleeping potion... it's poison."

At his words, Lilandra's eyes flashed open. They were the blue-green of a glacier lit by the fading Northern sun. They registered confusion first, followed an instant later by fear mingled with rage.

"Who are you, barbarian?" she demanded.

"I am Vengar," Vengar said.

"And what business do you have in my bed chamber?"

"I believe," Vengar said, followed by a pregnant pause, "I was sent here to kill you."

She screamed. Vengar could hardly blame her, but he never-the-less conked her lovely head and knocked her out. He needed time to formulate a cunning escape plan, and by the sounds of bare feet slapping stone and the snarling of tigers, that particular resource was in dangerously short supply.

He hefted Lilandra up over his shoulder, and tried not to notice that her skin was even softer than he imagined. "Think, Vengar. Think mightily," he said, but his brain refused to follow the command.

He lumbered out into the throne room, a little less than enthusiastic about what he would find there. The room didn't disappoint.

Thirty cultists and three trained tigers awaited him. The cultists stood in a half circle that spanned the room, their weapons at the ready and a cold emptiness in their eyes, while the tigers were assembled out before them on the carpet. Despite their rigorous training, the tigers were quite distracted by the suckling pig.

Vengar said, "I think there's been a misunderstanding."

The cultists continued to stare, and the tigers licked their lips.

His wild animal snorted at diplomacy, and the tiny hero agreed. "Talk is cheap," the hero whispered, "but violence is timeless." Vengar appreciated the wisdom of the tiny hero's words, but still he wasn't sure.

At once, the tigers all looked at the suckling pig with hungry eyes, and their tremendous tongues snaked out over their lips.

In that instant, Vengar's decision was made. Hatred chiseled his face into a beastly expression and he snapped into action. Gripping the glass vial in his paw, he cocked his sinewy arm back and then let loose. The vial sped through the air and crashed into the carpet at the tiger's feet, exploding in a blue mist that dropped the animals instantly and effortlessly dead.

Without pause, Vengar drew a knife from his belt and whipped it up into the vaulted heights of the chamber, where it neatly sliced the cord of the crystalline chandelier. Still carrying his lusty burden, he ducked back behind the scorpion throne just as the chandelier struck the floor and burst into a deadly rain. The tink and clang of caroming crystals sounded all around, followed shortly by the whimpers and groans of the wounded.

He pressed his advantage. Bolting out from behind the throne, he quickly took stock of the remaining foes: only a handful were still standing while the others writhed in agony on the floor. Gone was the cold emptiness in their eyes, replaced fully by the fear of an untamed predator on the loose.

They twitched in indecision as he advanced, unable to attack for fear of wounding the helpless beauty draped over his shoulder. Their indecision was Vengar's opportunity. His free hand cracked one man's skull, took hold of the suddenly limp body by the throat and sent it hurtling toward the next man who fell beneath his compatriot's dead weight.

Still in motion from his last attack, Vengar scooped up a fighting staff from the floor, turned and flung the weapon at a pair of cultists who were charging his back. It spun through the air and cracked against their legs, tripping them up and causing a number of sickly crunches as both men crumpled into a single heap.

Only one cultist remained. He stood firm with his staff out in front of him and his tambourine held out to the side. A single drop of sweat dripped from his nose, but he held.

Vengar looked him dead in the eyes and curled his lip. A rumbling growl boiled up inside his throat and reverberated throughout the chamber.

The cultist turned and ran.

Vengar chuckled, tore a leg from the roasted pig and nonchalantly strolled away.

By the time daylight came to Tensara, a dense sheet of charcoal clouds had taken up residence in the skies, turning the morning gloomy and grey. If Vengar's predictions were correct, a once-in-a-lifetime monsoon was coming to the desert, and it couldn't have come at a better time... It would take a historic rain to wash away all the blood being spilt.

Vengar had found an abandoned barn not far from the sorcerer's tower, and against the bullish protestations of all the little denizens of his head, he took shelter and he hid. He sat there on the floor trying to figure out the exact point at which his night had gone pear-shaped, while Lilandra remained in a dreamless sleep. She was so still that Vengar began to worry he might've conked her too well.

It was during this time that all hell had broken loose.

A sudden and vicious war ignited across the city. From the sounds of tambourines and clattering armor, Vengar reasoned that Iximan's cultists were pitted against Hasrik's city guard. He couldn't tell who was getting the better of it, but the endless screams hinted that both sides were suffering heavily.

After some hours, Lilandra finally stirred. "Ungh. My head is killing me... but you didn't kill me. I suppose that's good news."

Vengar halted his fruitless pondering. "The last good news you'll hear today, I fear."

"Why have you brought me here, brute?"

Vengar said, "I'm not entirely sure."

The simple honesty evident in Vengar's voice caught her off guard, and the hardness disappeared from her face. She raised herself up on an elbow with a bit of straw clinging to her hair, and somehow looked even more lovely than before. There was a bit of delirious haze still in her eyes, but it cleared the moment she made sense of the cacophony outside. "Oh. It's finally started, then."

"You expected this?"

Her voice contained a touch of sadness. "Yes, for months now. My husband is determined to overthrow the king, and the king has been suspicious of my husband ever since he spirited me away. It was inevitable. This isn't how I expected it to begin, though."

"You sound as if you love the sorcerer."

Lilandra's smile was effortless. "Love is far too strong a word. I admire Iximan, his intelligence, his kindness... and he adores me as the wolf does the moon. He certainly treats me better than the king ever did."

Vengar shook his head, but the powerful confusion wouldn't subside. "Let's start over. My name is Vengar, and I'm a barbarian. And you are?"

"Lilandra. Beloved of the sorcerer Iximan, and former bonded concubine of King Hasrik."

Pieces were starting to fall into place, and with a start, Vengar remembered the shameless vixen's envelope. He retrieved it from his journey-bag, broke the wax seal and read the letter within. Once he finished, he read it again out loud. "Honorable Mercenary. The kingdom cannot thank you enough for undertaking this perilous mission. As per our agreement, you shall receive payment in the form of a land-grant upon the death or safe return of the Lady Lilandra. His Eminence, King Hasrik I."

"I take it you're not a mercenary."

"Not today," Vengar said. "Nor have I ever met with the king."

"Then you're a patsy. And neither of us was supposed to survive."

Vengar nodded without embarrassment. "A woman claiming to be your sister beguiled me into this fool's errand."

"And I have no sister. Whoever she is, she must be well connected, though. It's no accident that you were sent in while Iximan and the bulk of his men were across town. How very clever," Lilandra said. "But who would stand to gain from inciting this massacre?"

"You're asking the wrong fool," Vengar replied. He stood and dusted himself off, then offered Lilandra a hand up. "I think I might know where to find out, though. Just be warned," he added, giving her a solemn look, "things are about to get ridiculous."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

The entire city was a single churning battleground. The people of Tensara fled in terror while the cultists and the city guard hurriedly threw themselves onto each other's swords. Forces from both sides rallied in the streets and clashed on every corner, littering the ground with broken and bleeding bodies.

Vengar and Lilandra made their way straight through the thick of it. Crazed combatants charged them and howled with zeal, swinging their steel in erratic arcs, but the mighty barbarian had his gargantuan sword unsheathed and none among them could match his deadly efficiency. Chaining one movement into the next, Vengar cleaved man after man in twain while his curvaceous companion cleaved tightly to his side. He left nothing behind but a trail of neatly butchered gore.

The battle hobbled their progress, and it took Vengar and Lilandra more than an hour to reach the grimy ghetto where the nameless tavern was hidden. For some reason, the conflict thinned once they reached the ghetto's cramped streets, and once the location proved safe, Vengar wiped down his sword and returned it to its resting place across his back.

Lilandra, still clutching the barbarian for safety, said, "I've never seen such magnificent swordsmanship. How can one man be so mighty, Vengar?"

Vengar didn't miss the swooning in her voice. "Practice, talent, and a very special weapon," he said with a self-assured smile.

"Enchanted?" she asked.

"Oh no. It's kind of complicated... but basically, it's very, very large." And as they navigated the urban maze, he said no more.

Finding the tavern again proved a simple task; Vengar needed only follow the trail of heavily armed thugs sprinkled along the route. Every last one watched him and his companion with suspicion, surprise and dismay. Even though he was used to having eyes upon him, Vengar found this situation particularly unsettling.

A pair of burly goons guarded the door with crossed halberds. They too showed surprise at the sight of Vengar and the sorcerer's bride, but became stoic again an instant later.

Vengar approached. "Stand aside, or I'll part your heads from your bodies, and send your souls to the hell of Drumnesh, the chamber of gossipy women."

His threat failed to impress them.

As quickly as a sparrow diving after a cricket, Vengar's quite large sword flashed out of its sheath and lopped off their heads in a single fell stroke. He wiped it again and returned it to its sheath, while Lilandra looked away.

"They had fair warning," Vengar said as he kicked the corpses aside, then strode through the open door.

The inside of the tavern had changed overnight. No longer home to drunken revelry, it had been transformed into a tactical headquarters. The tables were plastered with maps, and upper echelon henchmen huddled over them, plotting and planning their next move.

The hooded man stood before them, his tattooed hands directing strategy on a grand scale.

Vengar cleared his throat, and the assembly turned to face him. A murmur shot through their ranks.

The hooded man was last to look up, and when the identity of the intruders dawned on him, he crossed his arms and let out a sharp and derisive laugh. Only his cleft chin and razor thin lips protruded from the shadows. "Now this... this is truly unexpected. You're a very surprising man, Vengar." As he spoke, his pearly teeth glinted like the fangs of a snakehead fish in starlight.

"You jammed your hand up the wrong puppet this time, devil."

Lilandra pointed an accusing finger at the hooded man. "I recognize that voice. My Gods... Prince Malfazen!"

His ear-grating laugh came again, and the villain lowered his hood. The firelight revealed a head as smooth as that of any cultist, with a regal, aquiline face. His high cheek-bones and sharp, studious eyes reeked of royalty. "Indeed. So nice to see you again, Lilandra."

"Still your tongue, cur. I've never shown you anything but kindness, and you repay me by persuading some witless dupe to murder me in cold blood!"

"Thanks," Vengar muttered.

The prince gave a toothy grin. "But it was nothing personal. It's all just politics, you understand."

"I don't think I follow," Vengar said, feeling thoroughly dense. "Why have you committed such atrocities against your own people?"

Lilandra laid a hand across his swollen pectorals. "It all makes perfect sense now," she said. "He needs the king and my husband to destroy each other. He was one of Iximan's students, and is the only royal heir. With them out of the picture, he'll become the head of state and religion."

"That's right, Lilandra. I'll be the only remaining power. A tremendous power with a sharp intellect and limitless reach, and it's all thanks to you."

"And all you have to do is wait here in your foetid den of thieves, until you can plunder your father's throne and become a hundred times the tyrant he ever was. You scoundrel." Her voice quaked with fury.

Malfazen took a long stride toward them with the sort of smooth grace that only fine breeding can produce. It was a master fencer's step. "Tell me, Vengar... why is genius always regarded with such disdain?"

Vengar said nothing. Instead, he drew his grotesquely big sword, and the singing of the steel served as his answer.

"So this is how it will be," Malfazen said. "A shame. You would make such a fine governor once my empire expands. Men, slay the buffoon and the wench."

Two dozen men leapt into action, closing on the barbarian from all around. Without a thought, he shoved Lilandra back through the open door. "At last," he said, and began his improbable dance of death.

Thrown knives and toxin-filled ampules screamed through the air, while a motley assortment of daggers, swords, axes and spears led the ground assault. The air around Vengar became a sphere of impending doom, but he was not shaken. In his hands, the blade was alive. It swept through one arc and then another, deflecting the airborne weapons and returning them in a shower of hurt.

Men cried out and fell away.

The barbarian leaned back into a defensive stance, and as each attacker made their move, he parried and struck back. The fight heated up, and the sheer size of his weapon began to warp the edges of believability.

One thug thought he saw an opening and dove in to tackle Vengar, but found an unreasonably large piece of metal suddenly in his way. With a deft flick of the wrists, Vengar levered under him and pushed him onto another man's blade.

A battle cry sounded and a spiked boot curved towards Vengar's skull. The implausibly massive sword once again intervened, severing the foot and flinging it spike-first into another thug's chest, who in his flailing death-throes mortally wounded yet two more.

The fight raged on, men literally falling to pieces all around, and the battle became less realistic with every stroke of steel. Throughout it all, Vengar's racing, ham-sized heart was filled with an immeasurable glee, and he thrilled at every close brush with death.

At the end of five minutes, the whirling tornado of destruction that was Vengar the barbarian finally came to rest, and only he and Prince Malfazen remained standing. "I'm all warmed up now," Vengar said.

"Really most surprising," Malfazen said, dumbfounded. "And I've always been such a keen judge of character. You're sure you won't join me, Vengar? With your violence and my cunning, we could build an empire to last throughout the ages."

The tiny hero inside of Vengar was inflated with pride, while the wild animal hungered for more blood. "Enough! I'm coming for you!" Vengar ejaculated.

"I see," Malfazen said sounding genuinely disappointed. "Pity you must perish."

The prince gave no other warning. His strides were faster than a hummingbird's wings, and before Vengar could even recognize the attack, the prince's sabre was upon him. He managed to twist just enough to keep the blade from his heart, but in trade received a ragged gash in his shoulder. A spray of blood arced out across the room, and it hadn't yet struck the floor when the second strike came.

Vengar's grip became loose and relaxed. Not the slightest measure of tension remained in his body, allowing him to react with a speed unknown to man. The prince's sabre cut a hissing path through the stagnant air, but Vengar's mighty sword wasn't finished yet. Its preposterous size struggled and strained, and stretched the bounds of credulity to their utmost extent. The last remaining traces of believability vanished from the tavern in that instant, and the impossible came to be.

The sword was and wasn't all at once, and where those two blurred, it did its terrible work. It simply didn't make any sense, and such was the awe-inspiring power of Vengar's sizable sword.

Vengar let out a mighty howl as his sword split Malfazen's sabre lengthwise down the middle from an angle that could not be. The brittle steel nearly remained whole, but when it failed, it shattered into a thousand pieces that ricocheted off the walls, ceiling, and floor, and flew directly back at the prince.

It was a wonder Malfazen stood as long as he did, with his body perforated all over and bleeding profusely. He uttered a single word—"How?"—and fell to the floor dead.

Vengar was exhausted and badly wounded, but he still took the opportunity to spit on the corpse before he walked away.

Vengar and Lilandra sat on the bank of the Maddivur River while Tensara burned in the distance. A single, serpentine cloud of dark smoke rose from the blackened husk of the city, like a wicked soul leaving its discarded corpse.

Lilandra had done a masterful job of bandaging Vengar's wound, and though he was a little pale from blood loss, he felt pretty okay.

"So what now?" she asked. "Is there any way to save them?"

"I've seen this sort of conflict before, and they'll slaughter one another until none are left standing. They're all dead, even if they don't know it yet, and there's nothing to do but watch it all burn. When that grows tiresome, I'll continue on my way."

She rested her head on his wounded shoulder, and he ignored the pain. "What way is that?"

"Whichever way leads to treasure. Perhaps someday I'll even find my home."

She gave one last wistful look to her burning home. "Then that's the way I'll go, too."

"I travel alone, Lilandra," he said, but a glance at her face revealed a deep longing that tore at his heart. "But I guess if you'd like to travel alongside me... while I remain alone, of course... that would be your choice to make. We could travel alone together."

Two people approached with a mangy pack mule in tow. One of them was small and scrawny, and the other tall and womanly. As they got closer, Vengar recognized both the lusty woman who'd conned him and the underaged guard from the gate.

The con-woman called out to him. "Hell of a thing you did there, hero. Do you leave every city a smoking ruin?"

"Be gone, wench. It was your deceit that caused this horror, and I should kill you where you stand."

She sauntered up and plopped down beside him in the grass, while Lilandra clutched closer to Vengar's side. "Don't be like that," the con-woman said. "It was just another job, and I didn't even know what the prince was up to. You know the score."

Vengar grunted.

"I'll take that to mean, 'Fine. Come along, vile harlot, and lead me to mind-bending riches and adventure as has never been known.' And thank you. I cordially accept your offer."

He grunted again.

"I'm Vica, by the way. This is my little brother Shep, the magician."

"Hi," Shep said sheepishly. "Pleased to meet you again, Mister Barbarian."

Vengar had run out of grunts, so he nodded.

They all sat there in silence for a few minutes, too tired to do anything else, until the silence was broken by a crackling sound and a few sniffles coming from inside of Vengar's journey-bag. He clumsily opened it with one arm, and out floated a disembodied nose the size of a fist.

"You stole a besniffler egg?" Lilandra asked. "Why on Earth would you steal janitorial staff?"

"I thought it was breakfast," Vengar said. "Brilliant. That's just what this day needed."

The baby besniffler floated up beside Vengar and let out an itty bitty sneeze, and Vengar smiled a little despite himself.

Together, the five of them watched Tensara burn late into the night, and when the last embers gave up and died, they packed up and marched off towards parts unknown.

Thus began the third week of the Hyperbolic Age, an age of treachery, of catastrophe, and of woe. The week was obviously off to a miserable start, though perhaps not quite so dreadful as the two that had preceded it... and at least it would only be seven days long.

The End.

About the author:

Chris J. Randolph is a slacker and wannabe from somewhere in the middle of California. His credits include... ummm... this story... and a science-fiction novel coming very, very soon. His lifelong dream is to own a giant robot with which to conquer the Earth.

Interested in more indie fiction? Come visit our label at oktopods.wordpress.com

Copyright © 2010 Chris J. Randolph

This story is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.