The Complete Book of Rules
TIME-TESTED SECRETS
FOR CAPTURING THE HEART
OF MR RIGHT
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

ElementElement
An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
77-85 Fulham Palace Road,
Hammersmith, London W6 8JB

The website address is: www.thorsonselement.com

First published individually as The Rule (1995)
and The Rules II (1997)

Revised edition published by Thorsons,
an Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 2000
This edition published by Element 2003

10

© Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider 2000

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider assert the moral
right to be identified as the authors of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available
from the British Library

ISBN 0 7225 3974 6

Printed and bound in Great Britain by
Clays Ltd, St Ives pic

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted,
in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the
prior written permission of the publishers.

Contents

Introduction: The Rules Phenomenon
Chapter 1	The History of The Rules 1
Chapter 2	What Are The Rules? A
Chapter 3	Meet a Rules Girl 10
Chapter 4	But First the Product - You! 13
Chapter 5	The Rules ...

Rule 1 Be a Creature Unlike Any Other' 19 Rule 2 Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask
Him to Dance) 23
Rule 3 Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much 29 Rule 4 Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch
on a Date 32 Rule 5 Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His
Calls 36
Rule 6 Always End Phone Calls First 41 Rule 7 If He doesn't Call, He's Not That
Interested. Period! 47 Rule 8 Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date
After Wednesday 49
Rule 9 Fill Up Your Time before the Date 54 Rule 10 How to Acton Dates 1, 2 and 3 56

Rule 11 How to Act on Dates 4 through
Commitment Time 59 Rule 12 Always End the Date First 62 Rule 13 Show Up Even If You Don't Feel Like It
64 Rule 14 Long Distance Relationships. Part I:
How They Should Start 67 Rule 15 Long Distance Relationships. Part II:
Making It Work 73 Rule 16 Stop Dating Him If He Doesn't Buy You
a. Romantic Gift For Your Birthday or
Valentine's Day 80 Rule 17 Don't Go Overboard and Other Rules for
Giving To Men 83 Rule 18 Don't See Him More Than Once or
Twice a Week 87 Rule 19 No More than Casual Kissing on the First
Date 90 Rule 20 Don't Rush Into Sex and Other Rules for
Intimacy 92
Rule 21 Don't Tell Him What To Do 96 Rule 22 Let Him Take The Lead 98 Rule 23 Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him 100
Rule 24 Don't Open Up Too Fast 103 Rule 25 Be Honest But Mysterious 107 Rule 26 Don't Live With a Man (or Leave Your Things in His House) 109
IV
Rule 27 Observe His Behaviour on the Holidays
113 Rule 28 Rules for Personal Ads and Dating
Services 117
Rule 29 Rules for On-line Dating 121 Rule 30 Don't Waste Time on Fantasy
Relationships 125 Rule 31 Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in
School 131 Rule 32 Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for
Dating in College 135 Rule 33 Don't Stand by His Desk and Other Rules
for the Office Romance 138 Rule 54 Don't Be a Groupie and Other Rules for
Dating Celebrities or High-Profile Men
147 Rule 35 Rules for Turning a Friend Into a
Boyfriend 152 Rule 36 Second Chances -- Rules for Getting Back
with an Ex 158
Rule 37 Don't Date a Married Man 165 Rule 38 Don't Be a Rebound Girl and Other Rules
for Dating a Man Who is Separated 168 Rule 39 Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and
Other Rules for Women with Children
174 Rule 40 Starting Over - Rules for the Mature
Woman 176 Rule 41 Practise, Practise, Practise! (or, Getting
Good at The Rules) 184 Rule 42 Buyer Beware (Weeding Out Mr
Wrong)! 189 Rule 45 Closing The Deal (Getting Him to the
Altar) 196 Rule 44 Even if You're Engaged or Married, You
Still Need The Rules 205 Rule 45 Rule,) for the Bedroom (When You're
Married) 209
Rule 46 Rules for Same-Sex Relationships 212 Rule 47 Next! And Other Rules for Dealing with
Rejection 216 Rule 48 Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends
and Parents Think It's Nuts 218 Rule 49 Keep Doing The Rules Even When Things
Are Slow 221
Rule 50 Don't Break The Rules 223 Rule 51 Don't Worry, Even Men Like The Rules
230 Rule 52 Do The Rules and You'll Live Happily
Ever After! 233
Rule 53 Love Only Those Who Love You 237 Rule 54 Be Easy to Live With 239 Rule 55 Rules for Girlfriends, Bosses/Coworkers
and Children 248 Chapter 6 Success Stories: Women Who Followed
The Rules and Changed Their Lives! 255 Chapter 7 Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
About The Rules 270 Chapter 8 Last But Not Least - 32 Extra Hints 281Introduction
The Rules Phenomenon
Seven years ago, when we set out to write The Rules, we knew that we had an important message to share. We believed in The Rules. We had seen them work time and time again in our own lives, in our close circle of girlfriends and an ever-widening circle of friends and acquaintances, as well as co-workers and relatives.
When our phones began ringing off the hook with dating questions and (eventually) success stories, we knew we had to write The Rules in book form to make it available to all women.
Lo and behold, The Rules became not just a best-selling book, but a phenomenon, revolutionizing dating practices around the world.
In fact, The Rules became so popular that it achieved a kind of pop culture status. It was spoofed on Saturday Night Live ('Get the ring!'), used as the plot for several TV sitcoms and also inspired a number of parody books including Breaking the Rules ('Stare straight at men and talk incessantly') and Rules for Cats ('Don't accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday'). Suddenly, The Rules was everywhere! A financial
publication ran an article on the rules for investing
('Don't buy on Friday if your broker calls after
Wednesday') and a political columnist wrote that one
presidential candidate might have won the election if he
had just tried to be a 'creature unlike any other'.
Why all the fuss? Why all the interest in The Rules when there are dozens of other dating books on the
market? Why has The Rules become such a phenomenon?
The answer is simple: The Rules -work! Unlike other
dating books that are therapeutic and theoretical -- that
sound good, that give warm n fuzzy, meaningless and
misleading advice such as be yourself, don't play games, tell
a man how you feel, but don't work in real life -- The Rules tells the truth about dating and helps you get Mr Right!
The Rules take the analysis and angst out of dating. It's
simple. If he-calls you, he likes you. If he doesn't, Next! What does be yourself mean if that's calling a man three
times a day or staying on the phone for three hours?
Why would anyone want to read a dating book that
didn't help you get the man you want to marry you?
Many people ask how we wrote a best-seller. To be
honest, we were not trying to. We wrote The Rules to
help women date with self-esteem and get married.
Period.
While we are naturally thrilled by the success of the
book, what's been even more rewarding is seeing how
women of all ages and all walks of life use The Rules to
love themselves and marry Mr Right. After three
decades of haphazard dating -- Dutch treat, sex on the

Viii

first date and living together -- these women are
delighted that such a dating book exists.
'I wish I had known about The Rule,) ten years ago,' is
the most frequent comment we hear.
'The Rules should be given out to all women at birth,'
wrote another Rules fan.
The book hit a chord not only with single women in
their twenties, thirties and forties, but with mothers and
grandmothers. 'She won't listen to me, maybe she'll listen
to you,' wrote one mum. Another mum told us she gave
the book to her daughter and her daughter's friends.
While many readers thanked us for the general
guidelines provided in The Rules, just as many wrote
and called asking for more specific answers to dating
situations and problems -- for example, rules for
long-distance relationships, rules for getting back an
ex-boyfriend, rules for dating a celebrity, rules for
dating a co-worker, rules for turning a male friend into
a boyfriend, rules for dating services and online
dating, among many other topics.
So in 1997 we wrote The Rules II to answer all these
questions -- and to clarify any confusion you might have
about rules in the first book, such as, 'How will he know
the real me if I do The Rules?' and 'Can I ever call a man?'

Of course, as popular as The Rules have become, it has
also been the subject of controversy - mostly by the
media and the authors of other dating books, not by
women who simply want advice about men. They just
want to get married!The Rules have been criticized for being old-fashioned and antifeminist, and for encouraging
women to play games and get married at any cost (get
the ring'). We would like to examine these criticisms
one by one and explain why they are unfounded.
Old fashioned? Not really. While The Rules may
sound like something your mother may have told you
about, times and circumstances have completely
changed. Women today need The Rules -- not because
pursuing men is morally wrong or scandalous, or for
any of the reasons your mother may have told you. No, The Rules tell us not to pursue men for one simple
reason. It doesn't work.
Fifty years ago, women didn't call men or live with
men before marriage because it was considered socially
unacceptable. Fifty years ago, they didn't even need to
think about ending the date first'. Their fathers ended
it for them by requiring them to be home at a certain
time, much like their great-grandfathers put an end to
dates by holding up a shotgun on the front porch!
In addition, back then, women often had to get
married in order to move out of their parents' home.
Women were financially dependent on men and once
married they became full-time wives and mothers who,
for the most part, did not pursue careers.
Compare that to women today. Many are financially
self-sufficient. They can afford their own homes, cars,
holidays, wardrobes and creature comforts. They can
even have or adopt and support a child on their own.
They no longer need men to get away from their
parents or to lead good or interesting lives. But the
truth is they want men in their lives -- as partners/
friends, lovers, husbands/fathers. They can function
without men, but they yearn for marriage and children
and/or fulfilling relationships.
Who or what can women turn to for dating advice?
They may or may not be able to relate to their mothers.
Besides, some mothers, trying to be hip and modern or
desperate for their daughters to get married and
produce a grandchild, will give them bad advice and tell
them to call men and pay their own way. ('Don't be so
picky,' they tell them.)
Their female friends, conditioned by the social
mores of today and with well-meaning intentions, may
say 'Oh, call him if you like him! What have you got to
lose?' If he turns them down, 'So, what?' they say.
Well we say:

1	Maybe if you don't call him, he'll build up a real
desire and call you!
2	A man who is receptive to your advances (without
making any of his own) may date or even marry
you at your suggestion, but down the road he'll be
bored and ambivalent toward you.

Women have turned to The Rules because it's the only
advice they can count on that works. They're not retro,
they're fabulous!
Antifeminist? No, as far as we are concerned, there
is no conflict between The Rules and feminism. Rules
girls can be feminists. We are feminists. We believe in
and are grateful for the advances women have made in
the last century. How else could we have become
authors and formed a company? All women have
different definitions of feminism, but to us, it is about
getting equal pay for equal work. It's about women
being authors, astronauts, doctors, lawyers, CEOs or
whatever they want to be - getting promoted, being
treated the same and paid as much as men!
Feminism is also about women believing in their
own importance. It is about being fulfilled by our jobs,
our hobbies, our friendships. It is knowing that the
women in our lives are as important as the men -- and
treating our friends with respect and consideration to
prove it!
But with all due respect, feminism has not changed
men or the nature of romantic relationships. Like it or
not, men are emotionally and romantically different
from women. Men are biologically the aggressor. They
thrive on challenge -- whether it's the stock market,
basketball or football -- while women crave security and
bonding. This has been true since civilization began!
Men who respond to The Rules are not sick or stupid,
but quite normal and healthy. Your average guy. What
would be sick is if a man chased and chased a woman
who clearly didn't want him, who repeatedly said 'no'
when he asked her out as early as Monday for Saturday
night. But that's not what we're talking about. We're
talking about a woman who says yes' to dates "when
asked a few days in advance and is nice to men on dates.
She's simply not too eager and doesn't drop everything
to see him at a moment's notice. That way he respects
her and wants to be with her and marry her.
Why men are naturally driven by challenge is not
important. The point is to do what works to have a
successful relationship, which is to let men do the
pursuing ... in other words, to follow The Rules.
After twenty or thirty years of do-what-you-feel and
haphazard dating, most women we know are actually
relieved to have rules and boundaries to live by. These
women are happy that feminism has helped them get
ahead in business and given them financial independence,
but they agree that trying to be as aggressive in
relationships with men as they are in their careers
doesn't work.
Are we telling women to play games? Some people
like to focus on the most superficial aspects in The Rules
-- the ones most likely to promote controversy -- but the
book is really about self-esteem, about setting boundaries.
Yes, in some ways, you're playing a game. The
game is called liking yourself! The game is not
accepting just any treatment from a man. The game is
being true to your heart. Everyone knows in their
hearts that The Rules work, that this is the way it really
is. But some people have to read the book a few times
before they get the message that it's not just about egg
timers, lipstick and not returning calls.
The Rules is not an etiquette book -- it's not about how
to order wine on a date or which fork to use. While these
niceties are important, they're not what The Rules focus

Xiiion. The Rules are about saving women -- and men, for
that matter -- heartache. There are many disastrous
relationships out there because women either initiated
relationships with men or kept them going long after
they should have been over. A failed relationship
is depressing, confidence-shaking and altogether
unpleasant. By following The Rules, you avoid these
disastrous results -- and these painful emotions.
We had to write The Rules strictly, like a strict diet
book, because we knew women would break them.
They always sneak in their favourite high-fat meal or a
piece of chocolate cake on Saturday nights. With such
strict rules, even if women break the occasional rule,
they can still reap the benefits of doing the rest.
Even therapists, whom we were sure would find the
'be mysterious part of The Rules objectionable, are actually
recommending the book to their clients. They agree
that the openness and honesty so necessary in therapy
do not work in the initial stages of dating.
Are The Rules too marriage-minded? No, just realistic.
Many women want to get married, and why not?
It's great to have a wonderful man to share your life
with - end of story. We're not telling women they're
nothing without a man. It's just that many women feel
that if they don't marry a nice guy, they're missing
something. It's a fact. This is how they really feel. It's
not a moral issue. Can they be happy without a
husband? Sure. Can you be happy without taking holidays?
Sure, but why would you want to?

xiv

We are not advocating marriage at any cost. On
the contrary, in Rule 42: 'Buyer Beware', we explain
how to determine if he's Mr Right. This is a thinking
woman's guide to marriage. This is not about being a
Stepford wife.
Indeed, The Rules represents a change in attitude
about dating, a new spirituality that is sorely needed
today. It's going against nature when you chase a man,
sleep with him too soon or beg him to marry you.
He may end up mistreating you, even if he marries
you. He may never forgive you for trapping him and
treat you badly.
Conversely, when you do The Rules on a man who
initially showed interest, he gets to fall in love with you
and value you. He does not take you for granted. Every
phone call and date is precious. He never feels trapped
or that you pressured him to marry you because he did
the calling, the pursuing, the proposing.
Rule marriages are happy marriages. Rules husbands
make wonderful partners for life. They are attentive
and involved husbands and fathers. They change
diapers, help the kids with their homework and plan
family holidays.
The Rules work. They really do. That's why women
who want to be happily married -- or at the very least, in
a loving relationship - are living by The Rules - and
loving the results.

xv

A


1
The History of The Rules


No one seems to remember exactly how The rules got
started, but we think they began circa 1917 with
Melanie's grandmother who made men wait nervously
in her parents' front room in a small suburb of
Michigan. Back then, they called it 'playing hard to
get'. Whatever you call it, she had more marriage
proposals than shoes. Grandma passed on her know
how to Melanie's mother, who passed it on to Melanie.
It had been a family treasure for nearly a century. But
when Melanie got married in 1981, she freely offered
this old-fashioned advice to her single college friends
and co-workers, like us.
At first, Melanie whispered The Rules. After all,
modern women aren't to talk loudly about wanting to
get married. We had grown up dreaming about being
the president of a company, not the wife of the president.
So, we quietly passed The rules on from friend to friend, somewhat embarrassed because they seemed so,
well, 50s. Still, we had to face it: as much as we loved
being powerful in business, for most of us, that justwasn't enough. Like our mothers and grandmothers
before us, we also wanted husbands who would be our
best friends. Deep inside, if the truth be told, we really
wanted to get married -- the romance, the gown, the
flowers, the presents, the honeymoon - the whole
package. We didn't want to give up our liberation, but
neither did we want to come home to empty flats. Who
said we couldn't have it all?
If you think The Rules are crazy, don't worry, so did
we. But after much heartache we came to believe that The Rules aren't immoral or outlandish, just a simple
working set of behaviours and reactions that, when
followed, invariably serve to make most women irresistible
to desirable men. Why not admit it? We needed The Rules! Women today simply have not been schooled
in the basics -- The Rules of finding a husband or at least
being very popular with men.
Soon, we got bolder and began to talk louder. These Rules -- they worked!
At first, we were uncomfortable with some of the
premises which seemed to fly in the face of everything
we'd been taught about male--female relations; but -- there was no getting around it -- success talked. We
swallowed some of our preconceived theories, followed The Rules faithfully and watched as so many of us got
married (along with being career women or whatever
else we-were).
There we were -- a secret underground, sharing the
magic, passing it on, doing what historically women
have done for each other since the world began --
networking for success. This time, though, the stakes
were larger and the victories sweeter than any corporate
deal. We're talking marriage here -- real, lasting
marriage, not just loveless mergers -- the result of
doing The Rules'. The simple Rules. The How-To-Find-a-Great-Husband Rules.
For years, we had been sharing them with the
women we knew, both at home and at work. For years, women had been calling us to check up on points: 'Did
you say that you have to end the date first or he does?
I forget.'
Then one night, during a Chinese dinner with a few
of our single friends, we heard Cindy mention something
about these ... er, Rules ... that she'd heard about
from a friend in California. We knew it! There could be
no mistake. These were the same Rules one of us had
followed in New York to find her wonderful husband. The Rules had criss-crossed the country, bouncing from
woman to woman, from suburb to city, until here they
came right back to us over egg rolls in Manhattan!
But -- and here's the catch -- Cindy got them wrong!
The Rule says men have to end the date first so that
they're in charge,' said Cindy.
'No, no, no, WRONG. The Rule is you end the date first so that you leave him wanting you more,' we
explained.
It was then that we decided to write The Rules down
so that there would be no mistakes.
What are The Rules?

How many times have you heard someone say, 'She's
nice, she's pretty, she's smart... why isn't she married?'
Were they talking about you, perhaps? Ever wonder
why women who are not so pretty or smart attract men
almost effortlessly?
Frankly, many women we know find it easier to relocate
to another city, switch careers or run a marathon
than get the right man to marry them! If this sounds
like you, then you need The Rules!
What are The Rules! They are a simple way of acting
around men that can help any woman win the heart of
the man of her dreams. Sound too good to be true? We
were sceptical at first, too. Read on!
The purpose of The Rules is to make Mr Right
obsessed with having you as his by making yourself
seem unattainable. In plain language, we're talking
about playing hard to get! Follow The Rules, and he will not just marry you, but feel crazy about you, forever'
What we're promising you is 'happily ever after'. A
marriage truly made in heaven.
If you follow The Rules, you can rest assured that
your husband will treat you like a queen - even when
he's angry with you. Why? Because he spent so much
time trying to get you. You have become so precious to
him that he doesn't take you for granted. On the
contrary, he thinks of you constantly. He's your best
friend, your Rock of Gibraltar during bad times. He's
hurt if you don't share your problems with him. He is
always there for you -- when you start your new job, if
you need surgery. He even likes to get involved in
mundane things, such as picking out a new bedspread.
He always wants to do things together.
When you do The Rules, you don't have to worry
about him chasing other women, even your very attractive
neighbour or his bosomy secretary. That's because
when you do The Rules, he somehow thinks you're the
sexiest woman alive! When you do The Rules, you don't
have to worry about being abandoned, neglected or
ignored!
A woman we know who followed The Rules is now
married to a wonderful man who doesn't try to get rid of her to go out with the guys. Instead, he becomes
slightly jealous when she does her own thing. They are
very good friends, too.
Men are different from women. Women who call men, ask them out, conveniently have two tickets to a show
or offer sex on the first date destroy male ambition and
animal drive. Men are born to respond to challenge.
Take away challenge and their interest wanes. That, in
a nutshell, is the premise of The Rules. Sure,
a manmight marry you if you don't do The Rule*), but we can't
guarantee that yours will be a good marriage.
This is how it works: if men love challenge, we
become challenging! But don't ask a man if he loves
challenge. He may think or even say he doesn't. He may not realize how he reacts. Pay attention to what he does, not
what he says.
As you read this book, you may think that The Rule*) are too calculating and wonder, 'How hard to get do I
have to be? Am I never to cook him dinner or take him to
the theatre? What if I just feel like talking to him? Can't I
call? When may I reveal personal things about myself?'
The answer is: Read The Rules. Follow them
completely (not a la carte) and you will be happy you
did. How many of us know women who never quite
trust their husbands and always feel slightly insecure?
They may even see therapists to talk about why their
husbands don't pay attention to them. The Rules will
save you about fifty pounds an hour in therapy bills.
Of course, it's easy to do The Ruled with men you're
not that interested in. Naturally, you don't call them,
instantly return their calls or send them love letters.
Sometimes your indifference makes them so crazy
about you that you end up marrying one of them. That's
because you did The Ruled ("without even thinking about
it) and he proposed!
But settling for less is not what this book is about.
The idea is to do The Rules with the man you're really
crazy about. This will require effort, patience and self
restraint. But isn't it worth it? Why should youcompromise and marry someone who loves you but
whom you're not crazy about? We know many women
who face this dilemma. But don't worry -- this book will
help you marry only Mr Right!
Your job now is to treat the man you are really, really
crazy about like the man you're not that interested in -- don't call, be busy sometimes! Do all of this from the
beginning - from day one! Do it from the second you
meet him -- or should we say, the second he meets you!
The better you do The Rules from the beginning, the
harder he will fall for you.
Keep thinking, 'How would I behave if I weren't that
interested in him?' And then behave that way. Would
you offer endless encouragement to someone you didn't
really like? Would you stay on the phone with him for
hours? Of course not!
Don't worry that busyness and lack of interest will
drive him away. The men you don't like keep calling
after you've turned them down, don't they?
Remember, The Rules are not about getting just any
man to adore you and propose; they're about getting
the man of your dreams to marry you! It's an old
fashioned formula, but it really works!
We understand why modern, career-oriented women
have sometimes scoffed at our suggestions. They've
been MBA-trained to 'make things happen' and to take
charge of their careers. However, a relationship with a
man is different from a job. In a relationship, the man
must take charge. He must propose. We are not making
this up -biologically, he's the aggressor.
Some women complain that The Rules prevent them
from being themselves or having fun. Why should
dating be work?' some ask. But when they end up alone
on Saturday night because they did not follow The Rules, they always come back to us saying, 'Okay, okay,
tell me what to do.'
Doing what you want to do is not always in your best
interest. On a job interview, you don't act like yourself.
You don't eat cake if you're serious about losing
weight. Similarly, it is not wise to let it all hang out and
break The Rules as soon as you begin dating a man.
In the long run, it's not fun to break The Rules' You
could easily end up alone. Think long-term. Imagine a
husband you love, beautiful sex, children, companionship
and growing old with someone who thinks you're a
great catch.
Think about never having to be alone on Saturday
nights or having to ask your married Friends to fix you
up. Think about being a couple! Unfortunately,
however, you must experience some delayed gratification
in the first few months of the relationship to
achieve this marital bliss. But has wearing your heart
on your sleeve ever got you anywhere?
There are many books and theories on this subject.
All make wonderful promises, but The Rules actually
produce results. It's easy to know what's going on when
you do The Rules. It's very simple. If he calls you,
pursues you, asks you out, it's The Rules. If you have to
make excuses for his behaviour - for example, he didn't
call after the first date because he's still hung up on his

8

ex-girlfriend -- and you have to think about every word
he said until your head hurts and you call him, it's not The Rules. Forget what he's going through -- for
example, fear of commitment or not ready for a relationship'.
Remember, we don't play therapist when we
do The Rules. If he calls and asks you out, it's The Rules. Anything else is conversation.Meet a Rules Girl

If you had ever met Melanie, you wouldn't have
thought she "was extraordinarily pretty or smart or
special, but you might have noticed that she had a way
of behaving around men that put prom queens to
shame. Melanie did the best with what she had: she
wore makeup and clothes well and acted elusive.
Unlike other, prettier girls who ran after men or made
themselves available every time a man called, Melanie
acted indifferent -- sometimes aloof, sometimes nice,
but always happy and busy. She didn't return their calls,
didn't stare at them (a dead giveaway of interest, see Rule 1) and always ended phone conversations first.
'I've got a million things to do' was her favourite closing
line. Melanie's boyfriend eventually proposed to the
one girl he thought he would never get - her!
Who hasn't met a Melanie? Haven't we all known
women who seemed to be experts around men? Men
don't appear to unnerve these women or trip them up.
They have a certain self-confidence around men that
has nothing to do with their looks or their jobs.
Melanies simply feel good about themselves -- they can
take or leave men - which makes men have to have
them. Call it reverse psychology or whatever you want,
but Melanies always get their man.
When you meet a Melanie, especially a plain and
simple Melanie, you want to go up to her and ask,
'What is it, what are you doing that make men run after you? What's your secret? What am I doing wrong?' A
genuine Melanie would probably say without too much
thought, Oh, it's really nothing.' The born again
Melanies -- former Rules breakers who have learned
their lesson after being burned by chasing men -- would
probably say, 'Yes, there is a secret. Men love a challenge.
Don't talk to them first, be busy sometimes, turn
them down once in a while (nicely!).'
You will find Melanies everywhere you go. Watch
them carefully. Observe how they have made self
contentment and independence an art form. They don't
look wildly around to catch men's eyes. They don't say
hello first. They just go about their business.
It would probably be good practice the next time you
are at a social event to stand back and watch the
Melanies and The Rule breakers. Compare how the two
types of women behave around men and notice the
results. Notice how the Melanies intentionally don't
carry a pen with them in order to give men their phone
numbers and they don't rush to give their business
cards. Notice the way they move around the room
while The Rules breakers stand too long in one place,
look anxious or talk too long to one man. They make it

11
too easy for men to ask them out -- and, as you will read
in this book, that's a big mistake.
One day, after years of watching girls like Melanie snag
the men of our dreams, we asked Melanie how she got
such a great catch. She took pity on us and told us about The Rules. She said that we were nice but we talked too
much and -were over eager, and that we mistakenly tried
to be 'friends' with men rather than elusive butterflies, or,
as she put it, 'creatures unlike any other' (see Rule 1).
Needless to say, we were offended by what seemed to
us to be downright trickery and manipulation. The Rules would send women back twenty-five years. What would
the feminists say? On the other hand, Melanie had what
we wanted: the husband of her dreams who adored her.
It made sense to rethink our offended psyches!
Melanie assured us that plain-looking women who
followed The Rules stood a better chance of being happily
married than gorgeous women who didn't. Thinking
back on our own dating history, it did appear that the
men we really wanted didn't necessarily want us. We'd
be ourselves, friendly and supportive and they thought
we were great - but it ended right there. And, come to
think of it, the ones we didn't particularly care for, the
ones we didn't notice, maybe even snubbed, were the
ones who didn't stop calling, the ones who were crazy
about us. There was a message here somewhere: treat the
men we wanted like the men we didn't want.
Simple, but not easy. But -what did -we have to lose?
We wanted what Melanie had. So we did what she did,
and -- it worked!

124

But First the Product - You!


Before The rules can be applied for the best, most unbelievable
results - the man of your dreams asking you to
marry him --you have to be the best you can be. Certainly
not perfect or gorgeous, but the best you can be, so ...
Look your best! The better you look, the better you
will feel and the more desirable you will become to him.
Maybe other men will start finding you more attractive
and asking you out. You will no longer feel that the man
you're currently dating is the only man on earth. You'll
be less anxious and more confident. And when you look
and feel good, you're less likely to break The rules.
We are not nutritionists, but we do know that eating
right - protein, fruits and vegetables -- makes you feel
good. And that exercise releases endorphins which
make you feel happier and more energetic. So, in addition
to a healthy diet, we strongly suggest that you
shake your buns! Join a gym, buy an exercise video or
go jogging in a nearby park (also a great place to meet
men who are jogging or walking their dogs). Make
exercise exciting by playing music while you do sit-ups.
Diet and exercise and The Rules have a lot in
common. Both require putting long-term goals before
short-term gratification. You wall have to experience a
certain amount of discomfort when you cant eat a
cream bun and you can't call a man. But you want to be
fit and you want to get married so you do what you
have to do. Make friends with a woman in the same
predicament and jog together, go to dances together
and reprimand each other when either of you is
tempted to break The Rules. You don't have to do all this
hard work alone!
If you are serious about finding a husband, then
you must change your definition of gratification.
Gratification is a man calling you, pursuing you and
asking you to marry him. Gratification is not a hot
fudge sundae or a hot date where you break The Rules!
Self-improvement will help you catch and keep a
man. So try to change bad habits like slovenliness if
you expect to live with a man. Men like women who
are neat and clean. They also make better mothers of
their children - the kind who don't lose their kids at
the beach.
Now a word about clothes. If you walk around in
any old clothes on the theory that what counts is only
what's inside, not your outside, think again! Men like
women who wear fashionable, sexy clothes in bright
colours. Why not please them?
If you don't know a lot about clothes, read fashion
magazines like Cosmopolitan and Vogue and books on the
subject; consult a friend whose taste you admire; or

14

enlist the help of a personal shopper at a department
store. Trying on clothes by yourself in a dressing room
can be overwhelming and confusing - not to mention
painful if you are out of shape -- so it's always good to
get a second opinion. Why not a professional one?
Personal shoppers can help you find clothes that look
good on you and that hide your flaws, as opposed to
clothes that are perhaps trendy but not flattering.
Always remember when you are shopping that you
are unique, a creature unlike any other, a woman. Don't
aspire to the unisex look. Buy feminine-looking clothes
to wear on the weekends as well as during the workweek.
Remember that you're dressing for men, not
other women, so always strive to look feminine.
While it's good to keep up with the times, don't be
a fashion slave. Don't spend a month's salary, say, on
bell bottoms and clogs just because they happen to be
in vogue this year. First of all, they may not be around
next season, and, more importantly, you may not look
good in them! We know women who have gone
overboard with one look -- be it man-tailored suits or
oversized crocheted sweaters -- and ended up looking
overdressed, trendy and not at all sexy. Be a smart
shopper, not a runaway spender! Buy a few good
classics and mix them with cheaper items.
Keep in mind that just because something is in vogue
doesn't mean that it will look good on you or appeal to
men. Men don't necessarily care for the 'waif look or
like it when women wear long granny dresses and
combat boots, however popular the look may be. They

15

like women in feminine clothes. Wear a short skirt (but
not too short), if you have the legs for it.
Also, don't feel that you have to wear designer clothes
to attract men. Men don't care whose label you're
wearing, just how your clothes look and fit on you. It's
better to buy a no-name brand that looks stunning and
hides your hips that a designer outfit that doesn't.
While you're shopping in a department store, stop
by a cosmetics counter and treat yourself to a
makeover. We can all look better than we do. Many of
us don't realize our potential until we get a makeover,
which, by the way, is often given for free with a minimal
purchase. Pay attention to which colours are good for
you and how the makeup artist applies them. Buy
whatever he or she suggests that you can afford and go
home and practise putting it on.
Don't leave the house without wearing makeup. Put
lipstick on even when you go jogging!
Do everything you possibly can to put your best face
forward. If you have a bad nose, get a nose job; colour
grey hair; grow your hair long. Men prefer long hair,
something to play with and caress. It doesn't matter
what your hairdresser and friends think. You're
certainly not trying to attract them! Let's face it, hairdressers
are notorious for pushing exciting, short
haircuts on their clients; trimming long hair is not fun
for them. It doesn't matter that short hair is easier to
wash and dry or that your hair is very thin. The point is,
we're girls! We don't want to look like boys.
It will be easier to feel like a creature unlike any


16

other if you follow good grooming. Manicures, pedicures,
periodic facials and massages should become
part of your routine. And don't forget to spray on an
intoxicating perfume when you go out -- just don't
overdo it.
Now that you look the part, you must act the part.
Men like women. Don't act like a man, even if you are
head of your own company. Let him open the door. Be
feminine. Don't tell sarcastic jokes. Don't be a loud,
knee-slapping, hysterically funny girl. This is okay
when you're alone with your girlfriends. But when
your,' with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act
ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much.
Wear black sheer stockings and hike up your skirt to
entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by
these suggestions and argue that this will suppress your
intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that
you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!
In addition, don't sound cynical or depressed and tell
long-winded stories of all the people who have hurt you
or let you down. Don't make your prospective husband
a saviour or therapist. On the contrary, act as if you
were born happy. Don't tell everything about yourself.
Say thank you and please. Practise this ladylike behaviour
with waiters, doormen and even cab drivers who
take the long way to your destination. This will make it
easier to be ladylike on dates.
If you never meet men accidentally, go to everything
- dances, tennis parties (even if you don't play tennis),
Club Med. Just go, go, go - show up! Put a personal ad

17

in a magazine, answer ads, ask people to set you up.
Don't shy away from singles events with the rationalization
that 'The men who go there aren't my type.'
Remember, you are not trying to find large groups of
men who are your type, just one! Don't lose sight of this
concept. It will keep you going on those bad days when
you are convinced that true love is just never going to
happen to you!
Last but not least, trust this process. You may not
meet your husband immediately after you have got in
shape, bought some terrific outfits and practised The
Rules on three eligible men. It may not be your time. But
it is our experience that if you continue to do The Rules at every opportunity and pray for patience, you will
eventually meet and marry the man of your dreams.

18Be a 'Creature Unlike Any Other'

Being a creature unlike any other is a state of mind. You
don't have to be rich, beautiful or exceptionally smart
to feel this way about yourself. And you don't have to
be born with this feeling either. It can be learned, practised
and mastered, like all the other rules in this book.
Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude,
a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates
your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile
(you light up the room), pause in between sentences
(you don't babble on and on out of nervousness), listen
(attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe
(slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your
shoulders back).
It doesn't matter if you're not a beauty queen, that 19you never finished college or that you don't keep up
with current events. You will think you're enough! You
have more confidence than women with MB As or
money in the bank. You don't grovel. You're not
desperate or anxious. You don't date men who don't
want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of.
the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You
don't settle. You don't chase anyone. You don't use sex
to make men love you. You believe in love and
marriage. You're not cynical. You don't go to pieces
when a relationship doesn't work out. Instead, you get
a manicure and go out on another date or to a singles
dance. You're an optimist. You brush away a tear so
that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on!
Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how
you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act cut if On a date, you never show that getting married is
foremost on your mind. You're cool. He may think
you've turned down several marriage proposals. You
sip -- never slurp --your drink and let him find out all
about you, instead of the other way around. Your
answers are short, light and flirtatious. Your gestures
are soft and feminine. When your hair falls in front of
your face, you tilt your head back and comb back your
hair with your hand from the top of your head in a slow,
sweeping motion.
All your movements -- the way you excuse yourself
to use the ladies room or look at your watch to end the date -- are fluid and sexy, not jerky or self-conscious.
You've been on many dates before; you're a pro. That's
20because you take care of yourself. You didn't lie in bed
depressed, eating cakes before the date. You took a
bubble bath, read this book and built up your soul with
positive slogans like, 'I'm a beautiful woman. I am
enough.' You told yourself that you don't have to do
anything more on the date than show up. He'll either
love you or not. It's not your fault if he doesn't call
again. You're beautiful, inside and out. Someone else
will love you if he doesn't. All that matters is that you
end the date first (see Rule 12).
When you go to singles dances or parties, you pump
yourself up. You pretend you're a movie star. You hold
your head high and "walk in as if you just flew in from
New York on the Concorde. You're only in town for
one night and if some lucky hunk doesn't swoop down
and grab you it'll be his loss!
You get a drink, a Perrier perhaps, even if you're not
thirsty. It keeps your hands busy so you don't bite your
nails or twirl your hair out of nervousness. You don't
show that you're nervous, even if you are. That's the
secret: you act as if everything's great, even if you're on
the verge of flunking college or getting fired. You walk
briskly, as if you know where you're going, which is
just around the room. You keep moving. You don't stand in a corner -waiting for anyone. They have to
catch you in motion.
If you think you aren't pretty, if you think other girls are better dressed or thinner or cooler, you keep it to yourself. You tell yourself, 'Any man would be lucky to have me', until it sinks in and you start to believe it. If 21a man approaches you, you smile and answer his questions
very nicely without saying too much. You're
demure, a bit mysterious. You leave him hungry for
more, as opposed to bored. After a few minutes you say,
'I think I'll walk around now.'
Most women hang around men all night waiting to
be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants
to be with you or get your phone number, he'll search
the crowded room until he finds you. You don't offer
him your pen or business card. You don't make it easy
for him. Don't even carry them with you or you may be
tempted to 'help him out'. The reason is that he has to do
all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat
check girl for a pen, you stand by quietly. You think to
yourself, 'The Rules have begun!'
It's that simple. You do The Rules and trust that one
day a prince will notice that you're different from all
other women he's known, and ask for your hand!

22Rule 2

Don't Talk to a Man First
(and Don't Ask Him to Dance)

Never? Not even 'Let's have coffee' or 'Do you come
here often?' Right, not even these seemingly harmless
openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted
you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is
just being polite?
We know what you're thinking. We know how
extreme such a rule must sound, not to mention snobbish,
silly and painful; but taken in the context of The Rules, it makes perfect sense. After all, the premise of The Rules is that we never make anything happen, that
we trust in the natural order of things - namely, that
man pursues woman.
By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever
was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps
causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never
meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process.
Eventually, he'll talk to the girl he really wants and
drop you.
Yet, we manage to rationalize this behaviour by
telling ourselves, 'He's shy' or 'I'm just being friendly.'
Are men really shy? We might as well tackle this question
right now. Perhaps a therapist would say so, but

23we believe that most men are not shy, just not really,
really interested if they don't approach you. It's hard to
accept that, we know. It's also hard waiting for the right
one -- the one who talks to you first, calls and basically
does most of the work in the beginning of the relationship
because he must have you.
It's easy to rationalize women's aggressive behaviour
in this day and age. Unlike years ago when women met
men at dances and 'coming out' parties and simply
waited for one to pick them out of the crowd and start a
conversation, today many women are accountants,
doctors, lawyers, dentists and in management positions.
They work with men, for men, and men work for
them. Men are their patients and their clients. How can
a woman not talk to a man first?
The Rules answer is to treat men you are interested in
like any other client or patient or co-worker, as hard as
that might be. Let's face it, when a woman meets a man
she really likes, a light bulb goes on in her head and she
sometimes, without realizing it, relaxes, laughs and
spends more time with him than is necessary. She may
suggest lunch to discuss something that could be
discussed over the phone because she is hoping to
ignite some romance. This is a common ploy. Some of
the smartest women try to make things happen under
the guise of business. They think they are too educated
or talented to be passive, play games or do The Rules. They feel their diplomas and salaries entitle them to do
more in life than wait for the phone to ring. These
women, we assure you, always end up heartbroken

24when their forwardness is rebuffed. But why shouldn't
it be? Men know what they want. No one has to ask
them to lunch.
So, the short of it is that if you meet men professionally,
you still have to do The Rules. You must wait until
he brings up lunch or anything else beyond business.
As we explain in Rule 22, the man must take the lead.
Even if you are making the same amount of money as a
man you are interested in, he must bring up lunch. If
you refuse to accept that men and -women are different
romantically, even though they may be equal professionally,
you will behave like men -- talk to them first, ask for their phone number, invite them to discuss the
case over dinner at your place -- and drive them away.
Such forwardness is very risky; sometimes we have
seen it work, most of the time it doesn't, and it always puts the woman through hell emotionally. By not
accepting the concept that the man must pursue the
woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being
rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some
point in the future. We hope you never have to endure the following torture:

Our dentist friend Pam initiated a friendship with
Robert when they met in dental school several years
ago by asking him out to lunch. She spoke to him first. Although they later became lovers and even lived
together, he never seemed really 'in love' with her and
her insecurity about the relationship never went away.
Why would it? She spoke to him first. He recently broke

25

up with her over something trivial. The truth is he never
loved her. Had Pam followed The Rules, she would never
have spoken to Robert or initiated anything in the first
place. Had she followed The Rules, she might have met
someone else who truly wanted her. She would not have
wasted time. Rules girls don't waste time.
Here's another example of a smart woman who
broke The Rules: Claudia, a confident Wall Street
broker, spotted her future husband on the dance floor
of a popular disco and planted herself next to him for a
good five minutes. When he failed to make the first
move, she told herself that he was probably shy or had
two left feet and asked him to dance. The relationship
has been filled with problems. She often complains that
he's as 'shy' in the bedroom as he was that night on the
dance floor.
A word about dances. It's become quite popular
these days for women to ask men to dance. Lest there is
any doubt in your mind, this behaviour is totally against The Rules. If a man doesn't bother to walk across the
room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he's
obviously not interested and asking him to dance won't
change his feelings or rather his lack of feelings for you.
He'll probably be flattered that you asked and dance
with you just to be polite and he might even -want to
have sex with you that night, but he won't be crazy
about you. Either he didn't notice you or you made it
too easy. He never got the chance to pursue you and
this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he
does ask you out.

26We know what you're thinking: what am I supposed
to do all night if no one asks me to dance?
Unfortunately, the answer is to go to the bathroom five
times if you have to, reapply your lipstick, powder your
nose, order more water from the bar, think happy
thoughts, walk around the room in circles until someone
notices you, make phone calls from the lobby to your
married friends for encouragement -- in short, anything
but ask a man to dance. Don't even stand next to
someone you like, hoping he'll ask you, as many women
do. You have to wait for someone to notice you. You
might have to go home without having met anyone you
liked or even danced one dance. But tell yourself that at
least you got to practise The Rules and there's always
another dance. You walk out -with a sense of accomplishment
that at least you didn't break The Rules 1
If this sounds boring, remember the alternative is
worse. Our good friend Sally got so resentful of having
to dance with all the 'losers' at a particular parry that
she finally decided to defy The Rules she knew only too
well and asked the best-looking man in the room to
dance. Not only was he flattered, but they danced for
hours and he asked her out for the next three nights.
'Maybe there are exceptions to The Rules,' she thought
triumphantly. She found out otherwise, of course. It
seems Mr Right was in town for just a few days on business
and already had a girlfriend. No wonder he hadn't
asked anyone to dance that night. He probably just
went to the party to have fun, not to find his future wife.
The moral of the story: don't figure out why someone

27hasn't asked you to dance -- there's always a good
reason.
Unfortunately, more women than men go to dances
to meet 'The One'. Their eagerness and anxiety get the
best of them and they end up talking to men first or
asking them to dance. So you must condition yourself
not to expect anything from a dance. View it simply as
an excuse to put on high heels, apply a new shade of
blush and be around a lot of people. Chances are
someone of the opposite sex will start to. talk to you at
some point in the evening. If and when he does, and
you're not having such a great time, don't show it. For
example, don't be clever or cynical and say, 'I would
have been better off staying home and watching Friends.' Men aren't interested in women who are witty
in a negative way. If someone asks if you're having a
good time, simply say yes and smile.
If you find all of this much too hard to do, then don't
go to the dance. Stay home, do sit-ups, watch Friends and reread The Rules. It's better to stay home and read The Rules than go out and break them.

28Rule 3


Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much

Looking at someone first is a dead give-away of
interest. Let him look at you. If he doesn't notice you
first, he's probably not interested. Keep walking,
someone else will notice you.
Did you know that there are workshops designed to
teach women how to make eye contact with men they
find attractive? Save your money. It is never necessary
to make eye contact. What about letting men know
you're receptive? We suggest simply smiling at the
room (or the universe, if you will) and looking relaxed
and approachable. That's how to acknowledge a man's
attention, not by staring at him. Don't look anxiously
around for 'The One'. That is certain to make anyone
look the other way. There is nothing attractive about
anxiety.
On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his
eyes. Otherwise, he will know that you're planning the
honeymoon. Instead, look down at the table or your
food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. It's
best to seem generally interested in life, in others, in your
surroundings, in the paintings on the Avail, as opposed to
this live prey. He will feel crowded and self-conscious if

29you gaze at him too much. Restrain yourself. Let him
spend the evening trying to get your attention.
One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out
what to say. Do you talk about the weather or politics?
Should you be intellectual or girlish? If you're smart,
you'll stay cool and just listen to what he says. Follow
his lead. If he wants to talk about dance clubs, tell him
which one's you've been to and which ones you like.
We're not suggesting that you be an airhead. On the
contrary! It's just that you're easy to be with. When
appropriate,- show him that you keep up with current
events and have interests.
Early dating is not the time to tell him about your job
problems. In general, don't be too heavy. But don't be
funny if he's serious. Just go with the flow.
Needless to say, there will be moments on a date
when neither of you has anything to say. Don't feel the
need to fill in these silences. You'll end up saying something
stupid and forced. Sometimes men just want to
drive in silence without saying a word. Let them.
Maybe he's thinking about how he's going to propose to
you one day. Don't ruin his concentration.
Don't feel you have to be entertaining or have interesting
conversation all the time. He will think you are
trying too hard. Just be there! Remember, men fall in
love with your essence, not with anything in particular
you say.
If anything, men should be the ones scrambling their
brains to come up with clever lines, asking you a lot of
questions, and wondering whether or not they're

30keeping you interested. Besides, most men find chatty
women annoying. We know one man who stopped
calling a woman he was physically attracted to because
she simply didn't stop talking. Don't be like that. As a
woman, you probably like to talk, especially about the
relationship, but you must hold your tongue. Wait until
the date is over and then you can call ten girlfriends and
analyse the date for hours.
On the date itself, be quiet and reserved. He'll
wonder what you're thinking, if you like him, and if he's
making a good impression. He'll think you're interesting
and mysterious, unlike many of the women he's
if dated. Don't you want him to think about you like that?

31Rule 4


Don't Meet Him Halfway
or Go Dutch on a Date

Men love a challenge -- that's why they play sports,
fight wars and raid corporations. The worst thing you
can do is make it easy for them. When a man is trying to
set up a date to meet you, don't say, 'Actually, I'm going
to be in your area anyway'; don't offer the names of
restaurants between your place and his, unless he asks.
Don't say much at all. Let him do all the thinking, the
talking, let him flip through the Yellow Pages or magazine
listings and call a couple of friends for suggestions
to come up with a place convenient for you. Men really
feel good when they work hard to see you. Don't take
that away from them.
The Rule is that men are supposed to rearrange their
schedules around you, pursue you, take cabs and trains
to see you. For example, on their second date, Charles
drove forty miles out of his way to see Michele because
she was spending the weekend at her mother's. Most
girls would have left their mums in the lurch so that
their date wouldn't have to be inconvenienced. But
Michele -was schooled in The Rules and knew the right
thing to do. The extra miles only made Charles more
determined to see her.

32Friends and colleagues meet halfway. Men (real
men) pick up women at their homes or offices for dates.
Always make the place convenient for you. We don't
care where you live.
Invariably, we find that men who insist that their
dates meet them halfway or (worse) on their own turf,
turn out to be turds -- inconsiderate, uncompromising
and even miserly. Jane recalls that after cabbing across
town to meet Steve (a blind date) at his favourite
brunch place, he suggested they split the bill.
Jane, a truly nice person, agreed that it was only fair
to pay her share. After all, she made a considerable
amount of money as a lawyer and felt it would be
'unfair' for Steve to 'absorb' the entire cost of the date.
Why should he have to pick up the whole tab? That
was very nice of Jane, but we assure you that had she
insisted that they meet at a place near her, perhaps just
for a drink (especially if she didn't feel right spending
his money), Steve would have treated her like a
I princess, not a co-worker. But since Jane made every
Is thing so easy for him, he didn't treat her well, lost I interest, and eventually stopped calling.
It's not that women aren't capable of taking public transport and paying for themselves. It's just chivalrous, hence The Rules, for men to pick up their dates and I pick up the bills. Equality and Dutch treat are fine in the workplace, but not in the romantic playing field. Love is easy when the man pursues the woman and pays
1 for the woman most of the time. He feels that the money
he spends on the food, the movie and the cabs is the

33price of being with you and it's worth every penny. You
should feel honoured, happy, not guilty.
But if part of you feels uncomfortable about him
paying for everything, offer to leave a tip or, if the night
is a long one -- say dinner, a show and three cab Rules or
parking - pay for something small along the way. But
don't pay for anything on the first three dates. Later on,
you can reciprocate in your own way: cook him dinner
at your place or buy him a baseball cap. If he's on a tight
budget or is a student and you're "worried about him
spending tuition money, still don't split the bill. Instead,
suggest inexpensive places to eat and have a
hamburger. Don't order appetisers or more than one
drink. There's always pizza or Chinese food. Suggest
movies, museums and cheap outdoor concerts.
It's nice of you to care about his finances, but
remember that he is deriving great pleasure from
taking you out. Why deprive him of the joy of feeling
chivalrous? Actually, the best way you can repay him is
by being appreciative. Say thank you and please. Don't
criticize the place or the food or the service, even if
they are plain awful. Be positive. Look for the good in
everything. We know one man who became even more
enamoured of a girl on their second date because she
didn't complain one word when he couldn't remember
where he parked at a football game. For the whole hour
during which they pounded the pavement looking for
his car, he kept thinking, 'What a great girl!'
Many things can go wrong on a date, especially
when a guy is so eager to impress you that he ends up

34making more mistakes -- locking his keys in the car,
forgetting the theatre tickets and so on. Never use these
blunders to make him feel bad. Instead, see all the effort
and expense he is putting into the date. Being a good
sport could make the difference between being just
another date and his future wife.

35
Rule 5


Don't Call Him and Rarely
Return His Calls

If you are following The Rules religiously, there is no
reason to call him. He should be calling you, and calling
you again and again until he pins you down for a date.
To call men is to pursue them, which is totally against The Rules. They will immediately know that you like
them and possibly lose interest! Another reason not to
call men is so you don't catch them in the middle of
something - watching a football game, paying bills,
entertaining a friend or even sleeping -- when they may
not be in the mood to talk to you. Why take a chance?
Invariably, when you call him, he will get off the
phone first or quickly and you might misinterpret his
busyness as disinterest. You may even think that he's
with another woman! Understandably, you feel empty
and nervous for the rest of the day or evening or until
you hear from him again. This nervousness might make
you call him again to ask, 'Is everything okay?' or 'Do
you still love me? Miss me?' And, you end up breaking
more rules!
So, if you don't want a man to know how much you
like him, or that you feel empty and insecure, don't call
him. If he leaves a message on your machine to return

36his call, try not to. Only call him back right away if it's a
scheduling change regarding an upcoming date or
event, not just to chat.
Not calling will leave him desiring you more, make
him want to see you again and call you again. It
prevents him from getting to know all about you much
too quickly and getting bored. Besides, when you call
only once in awhile, it becomes special.
Don't worry about seeming rude. When he loves you
or wants to get in touch with you badly, he won't think
you're rude, just busy or hard to get - and men always
call again.
Have you ever noticed, that the conversation is
always better when men call you? That's because when
they call you, they're doing the dialling, they want you,
miss you at that moment and can't wait to hear your
voice. When they call you, they're the aggressor,
they've thought about what they're going to say and
have made the time to say it. They're available 1
The Rules work for you when they call you because
you may not be home and they'll wonder where you are
or have to call again. When they call you, you might be
busy and have to nicely cut the conversation short. It will be easier to do Rule 6: Always End Phone Call First, when you let them call you.
But none of us are saints, and the reality is that we
sometimes have to call men back. Not call them, mind
you, just call them back. If, for whatever reason, you
have to return a man's calls, try to wait. Don't call right
back. When you do, keep the conversation short and


37
sweet. Don't tell his machine what time and what
nights you can be reached or volunteer any additional
information about how he can reach you. That would
be making it too easy for him and you will appear too
eager. Let him figure it out! Remember, you're a Rules girl and you're very busy! A Rules girl typically comes
home to many messages on her answering machine
from men trying to fill up her weekends.
Now what if he leaves a message on your machine on
Tuesday night and you're dying to get a Saturday night
date out of him? Do you call back Tuesday night? The
Rules answer is no because it will seem obvious that you
are probably calling to get a Saturday night date. Better
that he call you again by Wednesday night (the absolute
cut-off) for a Saturday night date. Better not to have a
date on Saturday night than to get in the habit of calling
him. The Rules are not about getting a date, but a
husband. Don't win the battle and lose the war.
Remember, The Rules are also about not getting hurt
or dumped. We never want you to go through unnecessary
pain. Life has enough pain without our adding
man pain to it. We can't control cancer or drunk
drivers, but we can restrain ourselves from dialling his
number. If you call him and he doesn't return your
call or doesn't ask you out, you'll be crushed. If you call
him, he'll think you're not so elusive and he won't have
to work so hard. If you call him, he won't get trained to
ask you out at the end of each date. He has to learn that
if he doesn't ask you out when he sees you, he might not
reach you on the phone so soon and not see you for a

38
week or two. It's not that you're impossible to get, you're
just hard to get. Remember, you're very busy with activities
and other dates and you make plans ahead of time.
But don't reprimand him for not calling sooner by saying,
'If you had called earlier...' Just say, 'Really, I'd love to,
but I can't'. (He'll figure out he has to call sooner).
If he's in love with you, he'll start calling Monday or
Tuesday for Saturday night. If he doesn't love you, then
he won't call you again and again until he pins you down.
However, don't be surprised if a man takes a week or
two after the first date to call. He may have a lot of
things going on or he may be dating other women. He
may be trying to fit you into his schedule but just isn't
sure how to do it. Remember, he had a life before he met
you! Don't flip out! Just get busy (so you don't think
about him twenty-four hours a day). Give him space,
wait for him to call.
Here's a good example of how to handle such a situation:
Our friend Laura waited two and a half weeks
after her first date with David to hear from him. David
was newly divorced and needed time to think before jumping into another relationship. A Rules) girl, Laura gave him time and space. Unlike most women, she didn't call to 'see how he was doing' or with some other
excuse like, 'Didn't you say you needed the name of my financial planner?' Sure, Laura was hurt, but she made
plans with friends and went on blind dates. She had a pragmatic attitude. She knew that if he liked her, he'd
eventually call; if he didn't, it was his loss! Next! When
David finally called, she was nice and friendly. She

39

didn't demand to know why he didn't call sooner and
want to talk about it. They dated for ten months and are
married now.
One last thought about the phone: sometimes we
want to call a man we are dating not to speak to him,
but just to hear his voice. We feel that we are simply
going to die if we don't hear his sexy voice this minute!
That's understandable. We suggest you call his home
answering machine when he's at work. Hang up before
the beep. It really works!


40Rule 6

Always End Phone Calls First

Don't call men (see Rule 5), except occasionally to return
their calls. When a man calls you, don't stay on the phone
for more than ten minutes. Buy a timer if you have to.
When the bell rings, you have to go! That way you seem
busy and you won't give away too much about yourself or
your plans (even if you don't have any plans). By ending
the conversation first, you leave them wanting more.
Good conversation enders are: 'I have a million things to
do,' Well, it's been really nice talking to you,' 'Actually,
I'm kind of busy right now,' and 'My beeper's beeping, got
to run!' Remember to say these things in a very nice way.
Women love to talk. And one of their biggest faults is
talking to men as if they were their girlfriends, therapists
or next-door neighbours. Remember, early on in a
relationship, the man is the adversary (if he's someone
you really like). He has the power to hurt you by never
calling again, by treating you badly or by being around
but indifferent. While it's also true that you can reject
him, the fact is that it's the man who notices you, asks
you out and ultimately proposes marriage. He runs the
show. The best way to protect yourself from pain is to
not get emotionally involved too quickly.

41So don't stay on the phone for an hour or two
recounting your feelings or every incident of the day.
You'll become transparent very quickly and run the
risk of making him tired or bored. He does not want to
date his crazy younger sister, his chatterbox mother or
his gossipy next-door neighbour. He wants to talk to a
girl who's friendly, light and breezy. By getting off the
phone first, you don't have to wonder if you've kept him
on too long, bored him or revealed too much about
yourself. Because it can be very difficult to monitor the
amount of time you spend on the phone when you are
'in like' or in love, we again suggest using a timer or
stopwatch. When the bell rings, you sweetly say, 'I
really have to go now.' A timer is objective; you are not.
It doesn't matter if you're having a great conversation
and you want to tell him all about what happened
to you between the ages of five and six that shaped your
life. When the bell rings, the conversation is over.
Remember, you always want to be mysterious. Having
to get off the phone first creates a certain amount of
mystery in his mind. He'll wonder why you have to go
so soon, what you're doing, and if you're dating
someone else. It's good for him to wonder about you. The Rules (and a timer) will make him wonder about
you a lot.
You may think that men will find your abruptly
ending a phone call rude and won't call again. On the
contrary, just the opposite often happens simply
because men are irrational -when it comes to love. For
example, our friend Janet set her timer to four minutes

42one evening. 'Got to go,' she said at the sound of the
bell. Five minutes later he called back to insist that they
start seeing each other twice a week instead of once a week. The four-minute call worked like a charm,
bringing him closer to her, not (as you would expect)
farther away.
If you're a genuinely nice person, you will probably
feel cruel when you do The Rules. You may think you are
making men suffer, but in reality you are actually doing
them a favour. By doing The Rules, you make men want
to spend more time with you on the phone and in
person. They get to experience longing! Tell yourself
you are doing them a favour when you feel heartless
about doing The Rules!
Another tip for driving a man to madness is to turn off
your answering machine on a Sunday afternoon and see
if he doesn't go crazy trying to pin you down. When
Cindy tried this tactic, her boyfriend ended up calling so
many times that day that he activated her answering
machine. (Some machines will automatically turn on
after fourteen rings. Can you imagine him letting it ring
fourteen times?!) When he finally got her on the phone
that night, he possessively asked, 'Where have you
been? I wanted to take you for a drive in the country.' It's
good when men get upset; it means they care about you.
If they're not angry, they're indifferent, and if they're
indifferent, they've got one foot out the door. Getting off
the phone after a few minutes is not easy, but it works.
Our friend Kate felt that she was 'losing' Jeff, her
boyfriend of three months, when after a Saturday night

43date he said good-bye very casually and told her, 'I'll
call you. I'll let you know what's a good night for me next week'. Kate felt the tables turning and took an
extreme but necessary Rules action. She didn't answer
her phone the night he usually called. She just listened
to it ring and ring. When he finally reached her the next
day at work, he was a little less cocky and somewhat
nervous. He asked her what night would be good for her! The phone strategy worked -- he never pulled
another stunt like that again.
Here's another phone tip: if you're home on a Friday
night because you're tired or don't have a date, leave
the answering machine on or have your mum or roommate
say you're not home. That way, if by some chance
he calls you on a Friday night because he's not doing
anything either, he'll think you're not home. The worst
thing you can do is give him the impression that you
aren't busy and sought after by other men. Don't let
him think that you're a couch potato, even if you are.
Don't think playing games is bad. Sometimes game
playing is good. Men like to think that they are getting a
catch. Show him that you have a full life, that you are
independent.
On any other night when he calls and you pick up
the phone, don't feel you have to tell him exactly what
you are doing. After a few minutes, just say you're busy
(nicely) and can't talk anymore. You won't be lying
because sometimes you are busy -- doing the laundry;
just don't tell him you're doing the laundry. Never let
him think, even if it's true, that you are home thinking

44about him and making the wedding guest list. Men love
the seemingly unattainable girl!
Lest you think this advice is old-fashioned, remind
yourself that you are a very fulfilled person - stable,
functional and happy -- with a career, friends and
hobbies, and that you are perfectly capable of living
with or without him. You are not an empty vessel
waiting for him to fill you up, support you or give you a
life. You are alive and enthusiastic, engaged in work
and in living fully on your own. Men like women who
are their own person, not needy leeches waiting to be
rescued. The Rules are not about being rescued!
In fact, the biggest mistake a woman can make when
she meets a man she wants to marry is to make him the
centre of her life. She may jeopardize her job by
daydreaming at her desk about Prince Charming,
rather than rolling up her sleeves and working. All she
thinks about and talks about is him. She bores her girlfriends
to death with details about every date. She is
constantly looking for ties to buy him or clipping newspaper
articles that he would find interesting. Not only
is such behaviour unhealthy, but also it's the surest way
to lose him.
First of all, he may be overwhelmed by all the attention.
Second, he may never propose. And third, he may
never rescue you emotionally and financially in the way
you think. Even if he marries you, he may always have
that night out with the boys, his hobbies or that Sunday
morning basketball game. And he may want a working
'wife. So better get used to the idea now that you must

45
have a life of your own -- a job, interests, hobbies, friends
that you can fill up on in between dates and even when
you are married. The worst thing you can do when
dating is to expect him to be your entertainment
director. Don't call him just because you're bored or
want attention. Be happy and busy. He should always
be catching you coming or going.
We hear again and again about women whose worlds
shrink when they meet Mr Right. When you meet Mr
Right is precisely the time to take up tennis, get an MBA
or go on that camping trip with your friends.

46Rule 7

If He Doesn't Call, He's Not
That Interested. Period!

We know this is hard to accept. We've heard it all -- every rationalization imaginable used to avoid having
to confront this unpleasant truth: he said he was going
to call at the end of the last date, but didn't. Now you're
sure it's because you didn't smile or talk enough, or you
talked too much. You didn't thank him for dinner. You
ordered the most expensive dish and now he thinks
you're after his money.
Or he hasn't called because he's busy, or he's going
through something with his father or ex-wife. Business
is rough and that's why he hasn't called.
He thought you didn't have a good time on the last
date, so he didn't call.
He hasn't called because he lost your number.
We can come up with 100 reasons why a man didn't
call. But the bottom line is, if he hasn't called, he's not
that interested.
We're not saying he doesn't like you or that you
didn't have a great date or that you're not on his mind
sometimes, but if he hasn't actually dialled your
number, how interested can he be?
If you have to call him to remind him you exist,

47something is wrong. Then, if you pursue him and he
ever marries you, you'll have to remind him it's your
birthday or your wedding anniversary or call him at
work to get his attention. You might have to initiate sex
and holidays. You'll always have to be the one to call
the travel agent because he may think about holidays,
but he never gets around to calling. Things are the way
they are! This is not the kind of relationship a Rules girl
wants to get involved in.
So don't waste time analysing what you may have
done to discourage him from calling. Let it go. No
matter what the reason, if he doesn't call, it's next!
48Rule 8


Don't Accept a Saturday Night
Date After Wednesday

It's quite common these days for men to ask women out
for the same night or the very next day. And it's equally
common for women to accept such casual, last-minute
invitations out of fear that it will be the best offer they
get that week. But this is not a Rules date. The man who
eventually wants to marry you will not wait until the
last minute to ask you out. On the contrary, he is kind,
considerate, thoughtful and also afraid that if he doesn't
pin you down five days in advance, he may not see you
for another -week. And when he is in love with you, a
week will feel like eternity!
Needless to say, men don't always know they
shouldn't be calling you on Thursday or Friday night
for a Saturday night date. Other women have spoiled
them by accepting last-minute offers. As we've stated,
ideally he should ask you out at the end of your last date
or call you as early as Monday or Tuesday for the next
Saturday night. The Rules will make you foremost on
his mind, the first thing he thinks about in the morning.
And if you are always on his mind, he won't want to
wait until Thursday to call you.
It may be a telltale sign of how a man feels about you

49if he doesn't call you early in the week. The best way to
encourage him to phone sooner is to turn him down
when he calls on Thursday for Saturday night.
Hopefully, he will get the hint. This is not a game. It is
essential that men ask you out early in the week
because, as a Rules woman, you simply can't put your
life on hold until Thursday or Friday! You have friends
and lots of things to do. You need to know ahead of time
if you're going to have a date Saturday night or go to
the movies with the girls. When men are calling you as
late as Thursday, you become a nervous wreck. You're
frenetically checking your answering machine, or if
you live at home, you're constantly asking your mother
if he called. Basically, you're living on the edge. Rules girls don't live on the edge. They have plans.
If he hasn't called by Wednesday night, make other
plans for the weekend. Then you must politely decline
if he calls Thursday and nonchalantly asks, 'Hey, pet,
what are you doing Saturday night?'
Practise the following answer in the nicest voice
possible: 'Oh, I'm so sorry, but I've already made
plans.' Don't break down and go out with him even
though you'd much rather do that than hang out with
the girls or go out with another man you don't like as
much. And don't counteroffer by saying, 'But I'm free
Monday.' Men have to ask you out without your help. But don't reprimand him for calling to late in the week. Be very nice, but very firm -when you say no. Also, don't
say what your plans are because it doesn't matter. What
matters is the message you're sending, which is: If you
50If you want to get a Saturday night date with me, you must
call on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
Now you may be saying to yourself, 'This is all so
rigid, lots of men make plans when the mood strikes
them, what's wrong with spontaneity?' These arguments
sound convincing, but the reality is not so
pleasant. When Ted first called our friend Beth on a
Thursday night for a Saturday night date, she said yes
right away. That set a bad precedent for him calling her
at the last minute for future dates. Although they went
out for a few months, he never thought that much about
her during the week and she felt confused by the relationship
because she was never sure if she was going to
see him Saturday night.
Remember, The Rules are about the long haul. The
way a man behaves -- rather, the way you allow him to
behave toward you -- during your courtship is usually
the way he will behave during your marriage. For
example, if he's last minute about dating you, he'll be
last minute and inattentive about you in other ways.
That's why last-minute dates are just unacceptable.
Men who call ten minutes before they're going to be in
your area to see you may be terrific dates, but how busy
and hard to get are you if they can see you in ten
minutes? If you give in, these men will end up treating
you like someone they can get in ten minutes.
But remember to be very nice when you say no.
Don't think negatively, 'This man doesn't think much of
me to call right before he wants to see me.' Or scream,
'No, I'm busy,' and slam down the phone. He isn't

51thinking that at all. He isn't thinking that he's not
treating you like a creature unlike any other. Give him a
break. Rules girls are an unusual breed. As we've
suggested, nicely say, 'No, wow, I wish I wasn't busy!'
Then sigh and get off the phone. He will soon realize
that you simply want to be asked in advance for a date.
Again, men are not trying to hurt you when they call at
the last minute. Don't be offended, just train them to
call earlier without actually demanding it of them.
Spontaneity is not 'Hi. Want to see a movie this
afternoon?' That call might have come out of boredom
or the fact that the woman he really wants to be with is
busy. He didn't call you in advance, dream about you
for a week, and get all excited about putting his arm
around your shoulders during the movie. He didn't
think of your date together as something precious that
must be scheduled in advance like a reservation at a
very exclusive restaurant. Spontaneity is fine, but it
should happen during the date, such as an unexpected
drive to the beach after dinner.
We often hear about 'spontaneous' women who go
out with men on twenty-four hours' notice. We wish
them luck. When a man knows he can have you five
minutes after his last girlfriend gave him the boot, he'll
call you because he's lonely or bored, not because he's
crazy about you. In such cases, buyer beware: it won't
last. Free spirits might object to what we are saying, but
for long-lasting results we believe in treating dating like
a job, with rules and regulations. Just like you have to
work from nine to five, no matter how you feel, we

52believe you have to silently train men to make plans
with you (elusive, busy, happy you!) ahead of time.
When you do The Rules, what you're really doing is
giving men the secret, silent code that they understand
very well. If you make it too easy for men, they're
certain to take advantage and then you can forget about
getting a Rules marriage.
We realize that the days in between dates with the
man you are crazy about can be long and excruciating;
but, remember, it's worse to say yes indiscriminately
whenever he wants to see you and risk him getting
bored. If you play your cards right, he will reach the
conclusion that the only way to see you whenever he
wants, at the last minute, is to marry you!

53Rule 9


Fill Up Your Time Before the Date

Most women go on dates with a lot of expectations.
They want the man to find them beautiful, to ask them
out again and to father their children. Needless to say,
these women are usually disappointed. That's why we
have found it very helpful -- in fact, essential -- to be
booked up as much as possible before the date. It's best
to be busy right up until the doorbell rings so that
you're slightly breathless and brimming with energy
when you finally see him.
Here are some suggestions for what to do on the day
of the date:

1.	To relieve anxiety, go to the gym, get a manicure or take a long hot bubble bath.
2.	Buy a new shirt or a bottle of perfume. Get a makeover. Treat yourself.
3.	Take a nap. If you're the type who gets drowsy at 10 p.m., a good nap will keep you going.
4.	Go to the movies (see a comedy, not a romance, so love isn't too much on your mind), read the newspaper
or a book to fill your head with something
other than how your first name sounds with his last
54name. If you're busy all day, you won't be so needy
and empty when he picks you up.

Here's what not to do:

1.	Don't talk to your girlfriends all day long about the date, about how his astrological sign and yours go
together, about how you know he's 'The One', or
about relationships in general. You really shouldn't
be thinking about the date at all.
2.	Don't see your mother, grandmother, or anyone who absolutely can't wait for you to get married
and have children. Being around them might make
you reek of desperation on the date. You might
inadvertently mention the M-word (marriage) and
scare him away.
3.	Don't write your name and his in all different combinations, such as:

Susan Johnson
Susan Dobbs Johnson
Susan D. Johnson

Don't you have better things to do?

55

Rule 10


How to Act on Dates 1, 2 and 3

If you are anything like us, you've thought a lot about
how much the two of you have in common before he even
arrives to pick you up. And you've named the children
before he says hello. This type of seemingly innocuous
daydreaming before the date is dangerous, possibly the
worst thing you can do short of professing love to him
during dessert. This kind of fantasising leads to unfulfilled
longing and to unrealistic expectations of romance
and passion that makes you prone to say foolish things
like, 'I have two tickets to a concert,' after the first date.
(Yes, you can reciprocate but much later--see Rule 4).
If at all possible, don't think of him before he arrives
-- it isn't necessary for the first three dates. Be busy
right up until the minute he buzzes you from downstairs.
Don't have him come up to your flat on the first
date. Preferably, meet him downstairs or at a restaurant. (Rules girl play it safe.) On these three dates, don't
tell him all about your day as if you've known each
other for years, thinking that it will bring you closer.
Don't be too serious, controlling or wifey. Don't
mention the M-word, not even to mention that your
brother recently got married.
56Remember that you are a creature unlike any other,
a beautiful woman, inside and out. So don't feel that
you have to fit in a love seminar or last-minute therapy
session to be in good form. You should feel no pressure
whatsoever.
In fact, all you really have to do on the first three
dates is show up, relax, pretend you're an actress
making a cameo appearance in a movie. Reread Rule 1:
Be a 'Creature Unlike Any Other. Be sweet and light.
Laugh at his jokes, but don't try too hard. Smile a lot,
and don't feel obligated to fill up the lulls in the conversation.
In general, let him do all the work -- pick you up,
pick the restaurant, open the door, and pull out the
chair. Act nonchalantly at all times, as if you're always
on dates and it's nothing out of the ordinary (even if you
haven't had a date in years). If you have to think about
something, think about your date with another man
that week. You should always try to date other people
so that you never get hung up on one man at any time.
Find the date first (see Rule 12 ), especially if you like
him. Glance at your watch after two hours (for a drink
date) or three or four hours (for a dinner date), simply
sigh, and say, 'Well, this was really great, but I've got a
really big day tomorrow.' Don't say what it is you're
doing tomorrow. At the end of the first date, you can
accept a light peck on the cheek or lips even though
you're dying to do more.
Don't invite him up to your place at the end of the
first date. After all, he's still a stranger at this point. He
should only see the outside of your house. This is both
57for safety and The Rules. By not letting him into your flat
or agreeing to go to his, you drastically reduce your
chances of any sort of problem occurring. If you meet
someone at a bar or party, the same rule applies. Don't
get into his car for any reason (or you might end up in
his boot!). Don't invite him to go to your flat or go to his
that night. It's a crazy world out there. Play it safe!
On the second date, use your judgement. If you feel
comfortable with this man, he can pick you up at your
flat and you can invite him up for a drink at the end of
the night. But when in doubt, meet him downstairs in
the hall and say goodnight there as well. Rules girls
don't take chances!
We know we're asking you to go against your feelings
here, but you want to get married, don't you?
Anyone can get a one-night stand. In summary, the first
three dates should be like 'being and nothingness'.
Dress nice, be nice, good-bye and go home. Not too
much feeling, investment or heart. You're probably
wondering how long you can keep up this act, right?
Don't-worry, it gets easier!


58Rule 11


How to Act on Dates A Through
Commitment Tune

On the first three dates, you showed up and acted sweet.
On the fourth date, you can show more of yourself. You
can talk about your feelings, as long as you don't get too
heavy, or play therapist or mother. Exhibit warmth,
charm and heart. If his dog died or his football team lost,
express sympathy. Look into his eyes, be attentive and a
good listener so that he knows you are a caring human
being -- a person who would make a supportive wife.
Still, don't mention words like marriage, wedding, kids, or the future. Those are subjects for him to bring up. He must take the lead. Talk about something outside your relationship, like your favourite sport, TV show, a great
movie, the novel you just finished, an interesting article
from the Spectator or a good museum exhibition you just
saw. You get the idea!

Don't tell him what your astrologist, nutritionist,
personal trainer, shrink or yoga instructor think
about your relationship with him.
Don't tell him what a mess you were before you met him.
Don't tell him he's the first man to treat you with respect.
He'll think you're a loser or a tramp.

59Don't give him the third degree about his past relationships.
It's none of your business.
Don't say, 'We've got to talk' in a serious tone, or he'll
bolt from the bar stool.
Don't overwhelm him with your career triumphs. Try to
let him shine.
Don't plague him with your neuroses!!

Remember, you won't have to keep such things to yourself
forever. Just for the first few months ... until he
says he's in love with you. Eventually you will become
more of yourself. It's the first impression from the first
few months of dating that men remember forever.
If you find it hard to keep up this act, then end the
date early or see less of him. Letting it all hang out too
soon is counterproductive to your goals. Many women
are conditioned to open up very soon. This is fine for
therapy or with a girlfriend, but don't do this on a date. The Rules are about opening up slowly so that men
aren't overwhelmed by us. It's rather selfish and inconsiderate
to burden people with our whole lives on a
three-hour date, don't you think? Remember, The Rules are innately unselfish.
But not so unselfish that you feel you have to answer
any question you regard as too personal or none of his
business just yet. Don't tell him anything that you will
regret. Some men like to pry secrets out of women.
Women sometimes reveal more than they really care to,
hoping that their revelations will draw a man closer to
them -- but afterwards they feel naked, as well as

60tricked and cheated. Better to smile when asked a question
that is too personal and say, 'Oh, I'd rather not talk
about that right now.'
Of course, personal matters may come up. Be careful how you answer his questions. If he asks you how long
you are planning to live in your flat say you're renewing
your lease. Don't say, for example, that you've been
hoping to meet a man soon so that you can get a bigger
flat with him when your lease is up. Even if that is in
fact your true hope and desire, don't say so or your date
will run to the nearest exit.
Act independent so that he doesn't feel that you're
expecting him to take care of you. That's as true on the
first date as the fiftieth. Jill remembers that when she
went bed shopping for herself with Bruce, her boyfriend
of six months, she deliberately bought a single bed rather
than a queen-size bed. It killed her to have to do this as she
was hoping he was 'The One' and knew if they were to get
engaged and married she would have no use for the bed.
But the foldout couch she'd been sleeping on was broken.
Rather than consulting Bruce on the bed purchase --
asking him what kind of bed he liked and what size he
liked, as if to suggest that this might be the bed they would
be sharing one day - she bought the single bed as if she
had no intention of getting married soon.
It was important not to let Bruce know that she was
buying a bed with him in mind, when they weren't
married and might never be. Of course, the single bed
hasn't gone to waste: Jill's in-laws (Bruce's parents)
now keep it as a spare in their guest room.

61Rule 12


Always End the Date First

If you have not been living by The Rules, then you probably
didn't know that the first date or two should last no
more than five hours. A good way to end the date is to
nonchalantly glance at your watch and say something
like, 'Gosh, I really must be going now. I have such a busy day tomorrow.' (As we said before, don't say what you Ye	§
doing. It doesn't matter and it's none of his business.)
Ending the date first is not so easy when you really
like him and want to marry him, and you're both having
a great time. But it must be done because you must
leave him wanting more of you, not less. If he wants to
know more about you as the date is ending, he can
always call you the next day or ask you out again when
he drops you off. It is our experience that men will want
to see you a lot, sometimes every day in the beginning,
and then grow very bored very quickly. So abide by The Rules and he'll stay smitten.
Not ending the date first is bad enough. What's
worse, however, is prolonging the date once it should
have been over. Emily felt that she was 'losing' Bob at
the end of their second date (dinner and movie), so she
suggested that they go dancing. Bob didn't want to hurt

62her feelings so he said okay, then he never called again.
Of course, Emily should have ended the date right after
the movie, but she thought she could excite Bob with
her great disco dancing.
Other women try to prolong a first or second date,
for example, by inviting the man up to her flat for a
drink or coffee so that he'll fall in love with her decorating,
or her home-brewed decaf. No! First of all, it
should be the man trying to prolong the date, not you.
He should be suggesting dancing, drinks or a cafe
where the two of you can get dessert and cappuccino. If
he didn't suggest it, then it's not supposed to happen.
Instead of worrying about making the date interesting
or longer, just make sure you end it first.

63

Rule 13


Show Up Even If You Don't
Feel Like It

Some women are lucky. They marry their school or
college sweetheart at twenty-two and never have to
deal with dating again. But what if that's not your story
and the only man in your life is your dry cleaner? You
had some relationships in the past but they didn't work
out because you didn't know about The Rules.
There are many women in your situation. They
simply never meet men. Years go by without a Saturday
night date. They spend New Year's Eve with girlfriends,
Chinese takeout or a rented video.
Obviously you can't do The Rules if there are no men in
your life. Don't despair -- instead, focus on doing something -- anything -- to increase your chances of meeting
men so you can practise The Rules and get married.
A good rule to start is to carry out one social action
per week, no matter what! Here are some suggestions:
Plan to go to a singles party this weekend, get
involved in a church/synagogue social event, do charity
work or work on a political campaign where you might
meet men, book a trip to Club Med, place a personal ad,
join a dating service, take a share in a ski house or
summer beach house, play tennis, jog around the park

64in your neighbourhood, anything! You don't have to
dance well, campaign well, ski well, play tennis well or
jog very far. You just have to plan these activities, show
up, do your best and smile.
Perhaps you are thinking, 'But I don't have anyone
to go with.' Then you must go alone! Of course, it
would be great to have a friend (with similar interests)
to go with, but if you don't have one, that's no excuse to
sit at home. Many women we know actually pushed
themselves to go alone to a party or social affair when
they absolutely didn't want to go, and those were the
very nights they met their husbands.
If you keep waiting for someone to go with, a convenient
ride to the event or the perfect weather, you might
never go. How serious are you about meeting someone
if you won't go by yourself? Sometimes it's actually better to go alone because you're on your own time
schedule and some men find you easier to approach.
Besides, you must learn to accept that, as an adult,
you can't always rely on a friend to do things with.
There are many tasks in life that have to be done
alone, such as going on job interviews or going to the
dentist. Sometimes you have to think about social
activities at work --you have to do them regardless of
how you feel.
Motivating yourself to get off the couch, dress, put
on makeup and show up won't be easy, but it must be
done. You may or may not have fun at the party, but at
the very least, you'll practise The rules for an hour or
two and go home.

65Don't think, 'But I'm not comfortable' at this or that.
Go anyway I
We know it's not comfortable to be single in social
gatherings, but then again, many things we tell you to
do in The Rules are not always comfortable. You're also
probably worrying that the kind of men you're
attracted to won't come up to you, or that you 11 be frustrated
because you can't approach them since you're
doing The Rules. You may not feel that you will have a
good time and that you might have had more fun
reading a good book in bed, but you'll never meet
anyone that way, so you have to go!
Even if you don't meet Air Right, going out -- whether it be to an 'in' restaurant, museum, lecture or
party -- is good for you. It's a chance to meet new
people, broaden your horizons, learn to be at ease in
crowds, and best of all, to practise The Rules.
Tell a friend that you're going to take one social
action this week and make sure you stick to it!

66Rule 14


Long-Distance Relationships.
Part I: How They Should Start


Many questions arise in long-distance relationships
that don't come up when dating a man closer to home.
But before going into the specific rules for these relationships,
it's important to talk about the mistakes
women make when they first meet a man from out-of
town -- mistakes that can easily prevent a long-distance Rules relationship from ever developing. As we have
said before, it's the first encounter -- who spoke to
whom first, how long the conversation lasted, and who
ended it first -- that often determines whether it's a Rules relationship or not.
Let's look at some typical scenarios:
You meet a man at a mutual friend's wedding in
Manchester. You're from London and he's from
Edinburgh. He comes up to you and asks you to dance.
It's The Rules! You like him a lot. You dance one dance and
then another and then another. You feel glued to his side.
You know you should really -walk away, say hello to
some college friends you haven't talked to in years, but
you don't. You figure the two of you live miles apart,
who knows if you'll ever see him again, so what's the
harm with spending five hours with him?

67He asks you to join him for dessert. You say yes.
Then he invites you to take a walk with him around the
grounds. You agree. He takes your phone number at
the end of the evening, kisses you good-bye and says
something about calling you in a few days, maybe
visiting London.
You're in love. You go back home and tell your
friends and your mother, and start thinking about your
own wedding.
But because you broke The Rules by spending so
much time with him, he either never calls, or calls after
a week or two just to say hello but doesn't make plans to
see you. Or he calls and invites you to visit him in
Edinburgh, or makes plans to see you in London but
only because he's going to be there on business anyway.
Naturally, you feel hurt and disappointed. Why doesn't
he sound crazy about you? Why doesn't he want to
jump on a train and see you right away?
Looking back on the evening -- and after reading The
Rules --you realize that you didn't play hard to get. You
spent five straight hours with him. He knew you liked
him and the challenge was gone.
We're not saying that had you walked away or
turned him down a couple of times for dances that he
would definitely call and pursue a long-distance relationship.
Maybe he has a girlfriend in Edinburgh,
maybe he just wanted to have fun at the wedding nothing
more, nothing less.
But by not doing The Rules, you lessened your chances,
you got your hopes up, and you got emotionally involved
68and hurt. If he was interested and you were more elusive,
chances are he would have thought about you on the
tram journey home, missed you in Edinburgh, called
sooner, and made plans to see you in London, even if he
didn't have a business trip there.
In the future, when you meet someone at a wedding
or party whom you may never see again, don't spend
the entire evening with him. Talk to him for fifteen to
twenty minutes, dance with him a couple of tunes, and
then excuse yourself to use the ladies' room or say hello
to a friend or just walk around for a while. He should be
looking for you during the evening and trying to pin
you down for another dance.
When you spend four or five hours with a man you
just met, he no longer finds you as mysterious or interesting,
even if he made the first move. When he goes
back home, he may not think you're that special or
dream about seeing you again because you were too
available.
The same goes for meeting a man on a business trip.
Let's say you meet a man at a conference. He notices
you, strikes up a conversation and asks you to have
dinner with him that evening since he's leaving town
the next morning. You say yes because he's cute and
maybe something will start. You tell yourself you may
never cross paths again -- you live hundreds of miles
apart - and you weren't going to do anything special for
dinner anyway but order room service and watch TV. The Rules answer is to say, 'Thank you, but I already
have plans.' Why? Because if you see him at the last

69minute, even if it's convenient for both of you, some of
the challenge evaporates. If he's interested in you, let
him call you and make special plans to visit you. If he
can see you at a moment's notice, he won't have to long
for you and pursue you and whatever interest he had in
you may fizzle.
Don't think we're being overly strict about this. We
see it happen time and time again. A woman meets a
man at a business function or a party who says he's in
town for just a few days and wants to take her to dinner
that very night. He's totally charming and makes her
feel special. She tells herself that she would really be
missing something if she turned him down. He won't be
in town again for another month.
She says yes - maybe it's just dinner, maybe she
sleeps with him - and she thinks this is the beginning of
a whirlwind courtship.
The reality is, it may not be. He may be lying. He
may be in town for another week, but figures this way
he'll get what he wants right away. Or he may be
married and this is his standard pick-up line when he's
out of town. There are men who have a girl in every
port. You don't want to be one of them. But even if he's
sincere, single and really likes you, the answer is still no
to a last-minute date. You think if you say no, he'll
forget you. But Rules girls know that he'll remember
you that much more if you turn him down.
So the next time you meet a man who asks you to
dinner the same night because he's in town just a few
days, say, 'I'd love to, but I have other plans.' Let him

70return home. Here, you're thinking this is true love, and
he's thinking sex, sand and fun for a week. If you don't
want to be nothing more than the girl he slept with in
Club Med, don't see him more than once or twice that
week and don't sleep with him, otherwise you'll be
crushed if you never hear from him again. It'll be a
classic case of 'I love you, honey, but the holiday's over.'
So, by doing The Rules, you won't throw away a whole
week on someone who may not have serious intentions
and you will be open to meeting other men. If he really
likes you, he'll call you and visit you afterward.

71Rule 15


Long Distance Relationships.
Part II: Making it Work

Assuming you're beginning or already in a long distance
relationship, what are The Rules?
You don't call him. He calls you. He can call
you often, but make sure you don't spend endless
hours on the phone. Leave something to talk about
when he visits you! Get off the phone in fifteen or
twenty minutes -- you can talk longer than the standard
ten minutes since it is long distance -- whether or
not he talks about making plans to see you. If he wants
to visit you on the weekend, he must ask you by
Wednesday.
Chances are if he approached you, he'll suggest
coming to visit you first, which is The Rules. But if he
suggests that you meet him in his city, or in some place
halfway, simply say, 'That sounds nice, but things are
really hectic right now, I just couldn't get away.' Don't
spell out what's hectic or exactly why you can't get
away. Just say no nicely and he'll realize that he has to
visit you.
If he decides not to make the trip, he didn't like you
that much. Remember that men drive for hours to go to
football games and gambling casinos or to their college

73bachelor party, so it's not a big deal if they
have to drive for hours to visit you.
Better that you never see him again than you visit
him first or even meet him halfway. Meeting him
halfway is the same as visiting him -- it's not The Rules to
do so in the early stages of a relationship. Wait until he's
visited you three timed to visit him or meet him halfway -- and even then, not too often.
Of course, some women will rationalize visiting a
man first (or sooner than they should) by saying that
they wanted to get away anyway -- they haven't taken a
holiday in years! Some reason that they have frequent
flier miles so why not? Yes it would be fun and free, but
it's not The Rules. Others convince themselves that the
trip would be a great opportunity to visit a friend or
relative. Please make sure you're not finding excuses to
be in his city. If you do have a legitimate reason for
being there -- a business trip or your friend's hen parry -- don't tell him about it unless he specially asks if you're
planning to be in his area anytime soon. If he does ask
and you tell him your plans, don't let him assume you'll
see him. He has to ask you out and come to your hotel
or sister's home if he wants to see you.
If you travel to see him before he's made at least
three trips to see you, he won't think you're special,
hard to see, and will not appreciate you or pursue you
in the future. Even if he was initially drawn to you, he
will expect you to travel to him all the time. He might
start calling you at the last minute for the weekend and saying that he's too busy to leave town and suggesting

74that you visit him again. He might even say he's too
busy to pick you up at the airport. Soon he might say
he's too busy to see you at all, even though you offered
to visit him. Once you start breaking The Rules, even
promising relationships start to unravel quickly.
We've heard from women who've met multimillionaires
offering to send them plane tickets or even their
private jets to bring them to their homes for the
weekend as a first or second date. These women are
naturally flattered and excited and think the offer is
special and meaningful.
We tell them it may not be and to decline very
sweetly. Even if he makes two million pounds a year
and you're a struggling secretary, you must say, 'Thank
you but I just can't get away this weekend.'
The reason is, he has to visit you. He has to work to
see you -- pack a suitcase, be inconvenienced, possibly
miss the ballgame he was going to watch on TV. For a
man to have his secretary call and make the arrangements
requires no sweat on his part. For very little
effort, he gets to have companionship and perhaps sex
for the weekend. You have to get someone to watch
your dog, experience jet lag, you have to stop your life
and be inconvenienced. Rules girls don't turn themselves
upside down for a good deal or fun weekend.
They hold out for love and marriage!
So don't be blown away by a private plane, champagne
and a limo. You might be the first woman he's
met who ever said no. Don't worry. If he likes you, he 11
visit you!

75Assuming he is visiting you, what are The Rules!.
For the first three times he visits you, he should not
stay with you. If he asks to, say, 'I don't think so. We
just met.' It will be up to him to find a place to stay - at a
hotel or with a friend or relative. That's not your
problem. Remember, the first three visits are really
nothing more than three dates ... and on the first three
dates we don't have sex with a man or have him stay at
our place overnight. You can invite him on the third
visit but he has to leave before the night is over. The fact
that he's visiting from out-of-town doesn't change that.
Another reason not to let a man stay with you early
on is to protect yourself from the type of guy who is
more than happy to hop on a train or a plane to see you,
but not for the reason you think. He's just looking to
have a good time in a new city with a fun girl (you!) -- nothing serious. You're just part of the trip, not the
main attraction. By asking him to stay in a hotel, you'll
have avoided this noncommittal, call-when-he's-coming-to-town
type of relationship. You're not a hotel
or a tourist attraction! Of course, there's nothing
wrong with letting a man stay at your place as long as
you can take it for what it is. But if you have dreams of
love and romance, then you must do The Rules!
When he visits you the first three times, always see a
little bit less of him than he would like. For example, if
he suggests flying in Friday night and leaving Sunday
evening, say Saturday morning would be better and
end the weekend Sunday afternoon.
Don't cancel every single activity you normally do

76on the weekend so that you can be with him every
minute. For example, if you have a Saturday afternoon
exercise class, go to it. Let him keep himself busy and
wait for you.
The point is, don't be a woman who drops everything
when a man is in town. You're a Rules girl ... you
had a life before you met him and you still do! It's actually
good for him if you have something -- a previous
commitment -- other than him planned for that
weekend. He should leave feeling that he didn't get
enough of you instead of too much.
When he visits you, don't play social director. It's up
to him to look into restaurants, museums, interesting
places to take you or events going on that weekend.
However, if he is not familiar with your town and asks
you to suggest something to do, you can. But always err
on the side of less. If he asks you to suggest a restaurant,
do not pick out the romantic hot spot with the dim
lighting and lovers' booths, but a decent place that you
would take a friend or co-worker. Don't try too hard to
find things to do so that he's entertained and not bored.
Let him pick up the newspaper or an entertainment
guide and figure something out, or make plans together
when he arrives. Remember, he should think you were
busy and just didn't have time to think about the
weekend even if that's all you thought about all week.
Women have a tendency to think too much about
the man, the weekend, and act on every thought. They
make reservations at a Cajun restaurant because
they remember he likes spicy food. They get two tickets

77to the auto show because he mentioned he was a car buff.
Your efforts might be noticed -- but they'll backfire.
He'll know you are intrigued and like him, that you
remembered everything he ever said, and that you've
been thinking about him all week and planning the
perfect weekend. He'll feel smothered and you'll
wonder why he stopped calling.
After he has visited you three times, you can visit
him once and stay at his place, if he invites you. Who
pays for the trip? It depends. If he offers to pay your
travel costs, let him. If he doesn't, don't ask him for the
money, but let him pay for everything when you're
there. Don't worry. By doing The Rules - visiting him
infrequently -- you will automatically minimize your
travel costs. On the other hand, do not visit him often
just because he offers to pick up the tab. The Rules is
about letting him pursue you, not saving money.
If you have friends or relatives in that city, it would
be a good idea to call them and meet them briefly while
you're there so that you don't spend the entire weekend
with this man and he doesn't tire of you. End the
weekend first.
Being in a long-distance relationship does not give
you license to send men letters and greeting cards. You
are not pen pals. You can send him a birthday or
holiday card if you are in a committed long-distance
relationship, assuming he sent you the same. The cards
should be warm but not mushy. No love poetry.
If the relationship progresses -- he's calling you every
week for the weekend, he's visiting you more than

78you're visiting him, he wants to be exclusive and so on -- you are in a long-distance Rules relationship. If this is
not the case, be available to date others.
If things get serious, he might bring up the future
and ask if you would ever consider relocating. Reply, 'I
haven't really thought about it.' Until he actually
proposes and gives you a ring, be vague. There is no
reason to look into selling or renting your flat or asking
for a job transfer to his city or finding a job in his city if
he hasn't formally proposed.
In fact, there's no reason to relocate until after you've
set a wedding date. We do not live with a man before
marriage, and we don't go away with him on seven-day
holidays before the honeymoon. Try to see him only on
the weekends until you have a wedding date.
If you are already in a long-distance relationship and
did not know about The Rules until now, start doing The Rules very strictly today. Don't call him. Let him call
you. Get off the phone in fifteen minutes. (Okay,
twenty minutes if he's calling from Tokyo or Paris and
you don't talk that often!) If he's used to you travelling
to him most of the time, let him visit you more now. If he
says he's too busy, simply say, 'Things are so hectic ... I
just can't get away right now.' This will get him to miss
you, wonder about you, and figure out a way to visit
you -- if he's interested -- and marry you!

79Rule 16


Stop Dating Him If He Doesn't Buy You
a Romantic Gift For Your Birthday or
Valentine's Day

What kind of present can you expect to receive on your
birthday when a man is in love with you? Ideally,
jewellery, but any romantic gift will do. Now don't get
us wrong. This is not a rule for gold diggers; it's just that
when a man wants to marry you, he usually gives you
jewellery, not sporty or practical gifts like a toaster or
coffee maker. It is not how expensive the item is, but the type of gift it is. A typewriter can cost more than an
inexpensive pair of earrings, and a computer, one
would think, connotes love, being such a costly item;
but such presents come from the head, not the heart,
and are not good signs of love at all. Therefore, the Rule is that if you don't get jewellery or some other romantic
gift on your birthday or other significant occasion, you
might as well call it quits because he's not in love with you and chances are you won't get the most important
gift of all: an engagement ring.
When men are in love, they give love objects even if
they are on a tight budget. Flowers, jewellery, poetry
and weekend trips to the country are the kinds of gifts
given by men in love. Books, briefcases, toasters and
other practical gifts are the kinds of things men give

80when they like you, care about you (like a sister), but
don't really want to marry you.
Remember, gift giving has nothing to do with money.
We know a poor student who could only afford a fifty
pence greeting card for his girlfriend on Valentine's
Day. He then spent four hours writing a beautiful love
poem to her in it. A rules present if there ever was one!
As most women know, the time a man spends on
anything is virtually priceless.
One more point about greeting cards: check to see if
he signs 'love'. A man may sometimes send a greeting
card with very casual intentions. If he doesn't sign it
'love', don't assume he does. When David was dating
Claire, he signed his cards, 'Yours, David'. (I just know he loves me, she'd tell her friends.) They eventually had
'a talk' and he told her he wasn't in love with her. So
don't assume anything. Just read what's written!
Furthermore, while a romantic gift is a must for birthdays,
Valentine's Day and anniversaries, a man who is
crazy about you will give you all kinds of things all the
time. You're always on his mind, so you might get a
stuffed animal he sees at a street fair or something kooky
that's just perfect for you. For example, when Patty
expressed an interest in biking, her boyfriend bought her
a fancy helmet. If he didn't love her, he would have given
her the helmet on her birthday, but being in love, he gave
her a necklace and flowers on her birthday and the
helmet to celebrate their six-month anniversary.
When you do receive gifts, don't overreact. When
Suzi received roses from Kevin on their third date she


81was absolutely ecstatic. She rarely had been given
flowers from anyone she liked, but she did The Rules things to do, she smiled, nonchalantly put them in vase,
and said, 'Thank You!'
In general, The Rule is that when a man loves you he
just wants to give you things. Anything. If your glass is
empty in a restaurant, he wants to give you water or
promptly asks the waiter to get it. If you can't see the
screen in the cinema he asks five people to move over to
give you another seat. If he sees you digging in your bag
for a pen, he lends you his and then tells you to keep it.
Basically, he notices everything about you, except
anything bad. If you're ten pounds overweight, he doesn't
think you're overweight, he thinks you're cute. But if
your girlfriend (whom he is not in love with) is the same
size, he thinks she's fat. When a man is not in love with
you, he notices nothing or only the bad. For example, he
might say, 'Lose weight and I'll take you on holiday' You
feel you have to earn his love. That's not The Rules, that's
conditional love and not what we're after.
Again, this is not about being gold diggers or
princesses wanting to be doted on all the time. It's about
determining whether a man is truly in love with you
and, if not, going on to the next. If you end up marrying
a man who gives you a briefcase instead of a bracelet on
your birthday, you may be doomed to a life of practical,
loveless gifts and gestures from him such as food
processors, and you may spend thousands of pounds in
therapy trying to figure out why there's no romance in
your marriage.

82Rule 17


Don't Go Overboard and Other Rules for Giving to Men

As we explained earlier, you should not offer to pay for
anything on the first three dates. There's no need to.
When a man is interested in you, he is not thinking
about money (i.e., splitting the bill), he's hoping to
make a good impression and hoping that you'll see him
again. Part of pursuing you is making plans and paying
for everything.
Of course, if he asks you to split the bill, cheerfully
do so. You weren't trying to get a free meal. You want
him to want to pay for you. We don't tell a man to pick
up the bill. We just notice he didn't and put it in the
back of our mind. Maybe he's not Mr Right.
We are not telling you to be a gold digger. It is not
about how much he spends. Let him take you to an
inexpensive restaurant or a movie, as long as he plans
ahead and pays for the date. When a man is truly in
love, he'll work extra hours or borrow from his parents
or friends to come up with the money to impress you.
Dutch treat is fine for friends and co-workers, not
dates. You want a man who is crazy about you!
Women, especially those making good salaries, tend
to get hung up on reciprocating. We tell them that in the

83first two to three months of dating they should be
focusing instead on getting off the phone first and not
asking a man out -- not obsessing about buying him
dinner or a tie. When you're married, you can buy him
anything you want!
After three months, you can make or buy him
dinner.
On his birthday and/or other gift-giving holidays, The rules are:
Do not spend more than thirty to seventy pounds,
even if you can well afford to. But more importantly,
don't buy him anything romantic.

Good gift ideas include:

1.	A book on a subject of interest to him, as long as it has nothing to do with astrology, therapy, love or relationships,
such as business, politics, computers or a
novel (non-romantic) you know he'd love to read.
2.	A winter scarf.
3.	A T-shirt, sweatshirt or cap of his favourite sports team.

Do not buy him:

1.	Jewellery
2.	Anything monogrammed.
3.	A picture frame or photo album.
4.	Champagne glasses or any houseware for that matter.
5.	A book of poems.

84

Women are not only too generous to men in material
ways -- they tend to be too extending in social situations
as well. They invite a man they just started dating to
accompany them to a wedding, dinner party, business
or family function, country club, summer house or
business trip/holiday. We strongly suggest you do not
do so for at least three months. If you do, he will surely
feel that you are more serious about the relationship
than he is, get scared and pull back. In addition, if he is
surrounded by married couples at these events, he will
most surely feel pressured.
If you are in a business where you get free tickets to
tennis matches, trips, or are regularly invited to business
parties and shows as part of your job, do not take
him for the first few months. Ask a friend or go alone.
Why?

1.	You will not be mysterious if he knows your entire social calendar.
2.	He should not think of you as a cash cow. Otherwise, how will you know if he really cares
about you or your perks? He must fall in love with you first.
3.	When a man is in love with you, he wants to be with you. If you are always giving him presents and
taking him to places, he might believe you are
trying to buy his love and affection, that you are
trying too hard and care too much, which is never
good.

85One more -way a woman may try to give too much to a
man is by being overly involved in his life. Needless to
say, you can listen and offer suggestions, but don't
become wrapped up in his business problems, family
affairs or any other issues. You are not his therapist or
his wife (yet).
Actually, the best gifts you can give a man is to do The Rules, which gives him the thrill of pursuing you
and the glory of getting you!

86Rule 18


Don't See Him More Than
Once or Twice a Week

Most men fall in love faster than women. They also fall
out of love faster. They may want to see you two or three
times a "week, some even every day, in the beginning. If
you give in and see them every time, eventually they get
restless and irritable, and then stop calling. They seem
moody a lot and say things like, 'I don't know what's
wrong. I just have a lot going on right now.'
To keep a man from getting too much too soon, don't
see him more than once or twice a week for the first
month or two. Let him think you have other plans',
that he is not the only man or interest in your life. When
we hear someone say that she just met the greatest man
and sees him every day, we think, 'Uh oh, this isn't
going to turn out so well.' A woman must pace the relationship
slowly. Don't expect a man to do it.
We know how painful this can be. It's only natural
that when you meet a man you like who also likes you,
you want to see him all the time. You want to know all
about him - his favourite colour, his past relationships,
what he eats for breakfast, everything -- almost
overnight. So it's hard for you to say no when he asks
you out for Saturday night, Sunday brunch, and a

87
Monday night dinner and film all in one breath. But,
girls, you must put your foot down! Don't make seeing
you so easy. Men like sports and games -- football,
tennis, blackjack and poker -- because they love a challenge.
So be a challenge!
Remember, this Rule is not forever. After seeing him
once a week for the first month, you can see him twice
or three times a week during the second month, and
three to four times a week in the third month. But
never more than four or five times a week unless
you're engaged. Men must be conditioned to feel that
if they want to see you seven days a week they have to
marry you. And until that blessed proposal occurs,
you must practise saying no to extra dates even
though you're dying to spend more time with him and
even though you've mentally said to yourself, 'This is The One.'
If, for example, after kissing you passionately at the
end of your first or second date he says, 'So what are
you doing tomorrow?' summon up your sweetest voice
and say, 'I'm sorry. I already have plans.' Stick to your
ground, even if you feel intoxicated by the smell of his
cologne on your neck. And, of course, don't say what
your plans are or include him in them.
A man who is in love with you and hopes to marry
you won't be put off by the once-to-twice-a-week
dating structure you set up in the beginning. We find
that only men who are just with you for fun or sex are
likely to get angry or impatient. Don't be fooled if these
men say the kinds of things that make you believe they

88want to marry you. It happens all the time. It's called
Standard Operating Procedure.
On the first date, such a man might point to a restaurant
and say, 'That's where my father proposed to my
mother,' leading you to think that he will propose to you
there one day. Or he might talk about the future, saying
something like, 'In the summer we can go to the coast
and I'll take you to this great seafood place.' You are
naturally in heaven, thinking that this man has plotted
out your lives forever. It might all be true and he may
call again and ask you out. But it might be a ploy to get
you into bed on the first or second date.
If you fall for his lines and see him every night that
week -- after all, you think he is serious about you - he
might take you out a couple of times and have sex with
you. But he may never call again or worse, he may
continue to date you, but you'll end up watching his
interest fade away. (A very painful thing. Watching
someone falling 'out of love' is really awful!) If you
follow The Rules and slow down the process, forcing
him to get to know you and really fall in love, this will
not happen.
The Rules -will make you harder to get so that a man
who doesn't really like you won't waste his or your
time. So do yourself a favour and do The Rules. Don't
see him more than once or twice a week!

89Rule 19


No More Than Casual Kissing
on the First Date

It's common knowledge that men want as much as they
can get on the first date. It's your job to slow them
down. Let him kiss you on the first date, but nothing
more. Keeping it to a kiss will force him not to think of
you as just a physical object. If a Rules relationship is to
develop, he must fall in love with your soul, your whole
being, not just your body. So the less you do physically,
the better. Besides, it's easier to stop something if you
don't let things get too hot and heavy right away.
We know this is not an easy Rule to follow, particularly
when you're out with someone really cute and he's
driving fast in his sports car and kissing you at every
red light. He's a great kisser and you wonder what else
he's great at. This is when you have to brace yourself
and say, 'The Rule is no more than casual kissing on the
first date. No, don't invite him up to the flat. No, don't
let his hands go everywhere.' It you're getting too
excited, end the date quickly so you don't do anything
you'll regret. If he wants more of you, let him call you
and ask you for a second date.
Some men might make you feel that you're being
old-fashioned or prudish. Some might make fun of you

90or even get angry. Let them know as nicely as you can
that if they don't like it, they can get lost! If a man pressures
you, then he's not someone you want to date.
Keep telling yourself that other women have spoiled
men by sleeping with them on the first date, but you're
a Rule,) girl and you take your time. If he really cares
about you, he will respect your boundaries. If he's a
gentleman, he'll let the physical part of the relationship
develop at your pace and never force anything on you.
Forget all the 'free love' theories from the swinging
sixties. Besides, it's not spontaneous or cool to have an
unwanted pregnancy or a disease.
In addition, if you are following Rule 10: How to Acton
Date 1,2 and 3, things should not get out of hand. As we
said earlier, you should be talking about politics, books,
good films, not marriage, kids, love, former boyfriends
and girlfriends and sexual positions. The conversation
should be cordial, not steamy, so you don't end up in
bed after dessert. Besides, if you really like him, just
kissing can be a lot of fun!

91Rule 20


Don't Rush Into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy



When is it okay to have sex? The Rule depends on
your age and personal feelings. If you're eighteen and
a virgin, you will want to wait until you are in a
committed relationship. If you're thirty-nine, waiting a
month or two can be fine. Of course, if you feel strongly
against premarital sex, you should wait until you're
married. If he loves you, he'll respect whatever decision you make.
But don't be surprised if the man you're dating gets
very angry when you kiss him good night in the hall at
the end of your second date rather than invite him up
for a drink. He has probably been spoiled by other
women who slept with him on the first or second date
and now he feels he's being denied this pleasure. But
don't worry. Anger indicates interest, and you might be
surprised, for he will probably call you again!
But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself
is just as hard as denying him? Does that mean you
sleep with him on the first or second date?
Unfortunately, the answer is still no. You will just have
to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building
here and trust that if you hold off for a few weeks or

92
months, you won't be sorry. Why risk having him call
you easy (and think of you that way) when he's talking
to his mates in the locker room the next day? Better
that he be angry and strategizing -ways of seducing you
on the next date than moving onto the next girl.
Making him wait will only increase his desire and
create more passion when you finally have sex whenever
you're ready.
We know it can be excruciating to put sex off with
someone you're attracted to, but you must think longterm
here. If you play your cards right, you can have
sex with him every night for the rest of your life when
you're married!
Now you might argue that you don't mind having
sex with him on the first or second date and taking your
chances, that it's okay with you if he doesn't call again
because you're both grown-ups and you can take your
bumps. We know from experience, of course, that most
girls who say this are lying to themselves. Deep down
inside it's not okay with a woman if she sleeps with a
man and he doesn't call. Every woman wants the man
she just slept with to call her, that is, if she really likes
him - and hopefully she likes the man she's sleeping
with. Every woman we know who said it was okay if a
man didn't call after sex was actually not okay when he
didn't call. When you sleep with him on the second
date, you don't really know if he's going to be
gentleman or a creep. Rules girls don't take risks. We
wait until we're sure before having sex.
Let's say that now, hopefully, you've held off for a

93while and are ready to have sex with him. What Rules should you follow in bed? First and foremost, stay
emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets. The
fact is, most women turn men off not only because they
sleep with them too soon, but because they talk too
much about it in bed. They try to exploit the physical
closeness of sex to gain emotional closeness, security
and assurances about the future. The theories of
Masters and Johnson (who are now divorced) are not
to be ignored, but please wait a good amount of time
before you begin holding lengthy seminars about your
needs during sex or after sex. Don't be a drill sergeant,
demanding that he do this or that. You have to trust
that if you relax and let him explore your body like
uncharted territory you will have fun and be satisfied.
Being with you in bed should not be difficult or
demanding. Don't bring anything - red light bulbs,
scented candles, or X-rated videos -- to enhance your
sexual experience. If you have to use these things to get
him excited, something's wrong. He should be excited
about just sleeping -with you.
While you're snuggling in bed after great sex is not
the time to say, 'So, do you want me to make room in the
wardrobe for your clothes?' or 'I put a toothbrush in the
bathroom for you.' Don't bring up marriage, kids or
your future together, not in bed (or out). Remember,
these are your needs you are concerned about filling, and The rules are a selfless way of living and handling a relationship.
Men merely what to lie down next to someone
they care about when they are feeling strong emotions.

94Women are more curious, wanting to know, 'Now that
we've slept together, where is this relationship going?' or
'What is the meaning of what we've just done?' While all
these thoughts are whirling through your head and your
desire to own this man is mounting from minute to
minute, try to relax and think about nothing.
Don't cling to him if he has to leave that night or
the following morning. Be casual and unmoved about
the fact that the date is over. With that attitude, chances
are he will be the one hanging on. Don't try to keep him
there longer by suggesting brunch or sweet rolls and
coffee in bed. If you do, he'll probably run to the
nearest greasy spoon cafe for breakfast. Instead, go
quietly about your business - brush your hair and
teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, brew coffee - and
chances are he'll start massaging your shoulders
and suggesting morning sex or a great brunch place.
It's only fair that if you're dating a man for a month
or two and don't plan to sleep with him for a while to let
him know. Otherwise, you're being a tease. On the
other hand, what if you're more into sex than he is? The
Rules answer is, if you don't want to feel insecure, then
don't initiate sex. After you're in a committed relationship,
when you know he is crazy about you, you can
occasionally and playfully make an overture.
Last but not least, whenever you do have sex, always
use a condom. Don't cave in when a man says, 'Just this
once.' Remember, you're a Rules girl and you take good
care of yourself.

95Rule 21


Don't Tell Him What to Do


If your boyfriend wants to join the new 'in' health club
where all the leggy model types work out, don't tell him
to jog on the street or exercise at home. Say, 'That's
great!' and go about your business. Don't show that
you are jealous or insecure. If he loves you, it won't
matter how pretty the girls at the gym are.
If he'd rather go camping with his friends on the
weekends than be with you, either let him or break up
with him, but don't tell him what to do. Our friend
Daisy was seeing Joe for a couple of months when he
suddenly started to make weekend plans with his
friends. Conditioned by her therapist to be honest and
up front about her feelings, Daisy told Joe that she felt
abandoned. He immediately started making weekend
plans with her. She was ecstatic. But after a month of
togetherness, he suddenly stopped calling. She never
heard from him again.
The moral of the story: don't play social director. If
Joe didn't want to spend weekends with Daisy, being
asked to wasn't going to change his mind. Men do what
they want to do. If they can't live without you, it's very
clear. If they can live without you, it's also clear. Don't

96
be dense. Read the tea leaves and move on to the next
man if necessary!
If, after dating you for months, he has never introduced
you to his parents or friends, that means he
doesn't want you to meet his parents or friends. He may
simply be shy about the whole thing. Don't be pushy and
suggest meeting them if he doesn't bring it up. We don't
force ourselves on the family. We don't make friends
with his roommate or take his mother to lunch so that
she'll tell him to marry us. No one can make him marry
us. Either accept the situation as it is and be patient, or
date others, but don't force anything to happen.
Finally, don't try to change his life in any way. Don't
go through his cupboards and throw out his favourite
but disgusting old jeans and then suggest you and he go
shopping for new ones. Don't try to turn him on to
tennis when he loves drinking beer and watching football.
Don't sign him up for career counselling courses
because you're unhappy with his current job. Don't
push your interests on him either. If he loves steak,
don't preach the virtues of vegetarianism. You don't
own him. Don't fix him. You will end up emasculating
him and he will come to see you as a domineering
shrew. He wants someone who makes him feel good or
better, not inadequate. So leave him alone. When he asks you what to wear or how to play tennis, you can
help him. Until then, just be there.

97Rule 22


Let Him Take The Lead

Dating is like slow dancing. The man must take the lead
or you fall over your feet. He should be the first one
to say 'I love you/ 'I miss you,' 'I've told my parents so
much about you. They can't wait to meet you.'
He should be an open book, you should be a
mystery. Don't tell him he's the first person you've felt
this way about in a long time, or that you never thought
you'd fall in love again.
Remember, let him take the lead. He declares love
first, just as he picks most of the films, the restaurants
and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes
ask you for your preference, in which case you
can tell him.
You should meet his parents before he meets yours
unless, of course, he picks you up at your parents'
house. Let your mother or father open the door, but
don't let them hang around too much. Tell your mother
not to smile at him as if he were her son-in-law and
don't let her mention your sister's upcoming wedding.
Remember, mothers can get quite anxious about your
dating life. So be ready to go when he arrives -- don't be
in the bathroom applying more mascara -- so that your

98parents don't spend too much time with him alone,
asking him questions like, 'How's business?' or 'So
what are your intentions?'
The same rule applies to your friends. He should
introduce you to his friends before you introduce him
to yours. You should double with his married or dating
friends before you double with yours.
Reciprocate when you feel quite secure about the
way the relationship is going and don't tell your friends
too much about him because they might inadvertently
blab when they do meet him. If you can't trust them to
be quiet and discreet, then say nothing. The last thing
you need is a well-meaning, but not too clever friend,
saying something like, 'Oh, it's nice to meet you. Sheila
has told me so much about you'.
Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually
meet all your friends and family. Until then, just follow
his lead!

99Rule 23


Don't Expect a Man to Change
or Try to Change Him

Let's say you have met the man of your dreams -- almost. There are a couple of things you wish were
different. What do you do? Nothing! Don't try to
change him because men never really change. You
should either accept certain flaws or find someone else.
Of course, it all depends on what it is about him that
bothers you.
If he is fanatically neat, chronically tardy, hates
Chinese food (your favourite) and disco dancing (you
love it), or he won't part with his childhood cigarette
card collection, but he loves you to death, consider
yourself lucky. These are annoying but relatively harmless
vices, which we classify under category A.
On the other hand, if he flirts with other women in
front of you at parties, exhibits violent behaviour at
times, pays no attention when you are telling him something
important, or forgets your birthday, then he is
into category B (bad) behaviour and you have some
heavy-duty thinking to do.
In the case of A, pray for acceptance and don't nag
him. It won't work anyway. Just be ready at 9 p.m.
when he says he'll be over at 8.

100When it comes to B-type behaviour, such as infidelity
and lack of consideration, seriously think about ending
the relationship. People don't change that much and you
cant count on it happening. What you see is what you
get. If a man cheated on you during your courtship, he
may do so during your marriage. He might be on his
best behaviour for a while after you catch him the first
time. But don't delude yourself. Old habits die hard.
You must decide if you can live with him. Whether
or not he ever cheats on you again, realize that the
thought will always cross your mind. You might find
yourself checking his shirt collar for lipstick stains and
his pockets for little pieces of paper with women's
phone numbers on them, or calling him at the office
when he says he's working late. Is that how you want to
live? If it is, rules women make up their minds and live
with it. The key to a successful marriage is to be happy
with the way things are, not the way they could be if
only he changed.
Of course, a playboy type who falls in love with you
because you did The Rules will automatically mend his
ways. He will want to be monogamous because you,
unlike other women he's dated, are busy, don't call him,
make him wait for sex and don't bring up marriage or
the future. Therefore, his object in life is to win you
over. He has very little interest in other women because
he has no time for them! Thoughts of how to conquer
you consume most of his waking hours. You have
become the biggest challenge in his life. Do The Rules and even the biggest playboy can be all yours!

101Deciding whether or not you can live with a man's
bad habits or his past (ex-wives and children) is not
easy. Also, some character traits don't fall so easily into
either category A or B. For example, your man may be
someone who doesn't live up to his earning potential.
Whether you can live with him depends on how important
money, career, status and a big house are to you.
In all such cases, you must sit quietly with yourself
and ask for guidance to do the right thing. Consulting
others helps, but remember you have to live with these
things yourself. Ask yourself if you can really marry an
ex-womaniser or a recovering alcoholic. Can you really
live with the possibility that he may cheat or drink
again? Ask yourself if you can live with stepchildren or
past infidelity. If the answer is yes, great. But if you are
too troubled by his past or current behaviour, you
might have to do The Rule.) thing and walk away. Taking
him to couples therapy in the hopes of changing him
can take forever, rarely works, and some things just
cannot be changed.
Whatever you do, don't nag him or he's sure to
resent you for it. So think long and hard, but don't
waste too much time deciding. Remember, there are
lots of men out there!

102Rule 24


Don't Open Up Too Fast

Dating is not therapy. There are many ways to kill a
relationship. Getting heavy and examining everything
is certainly one of them. Conditioned by self-help books
to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates,
bringing up past relationships, their hurts and fears,
their alcohol or drug problem -- all in an attempt to
bond with this new man. This is deadly and boring. Be
intelligent but light, interesting yet mysterious. That's
why we have suggested not opening up too fast. (See also Rule 10: How to Act on Dated 1, 2 and 3.) The first date should be short, so you don't say too much. Remember,
the person who talks the most has the most to lose.
By the end of the first date, he should know just a
few facts, such as your name, your profession, how
many siblings you have, where you went to college,
where you grew up, and your favourite restaurants. By
the end of the first date, he should not know your
dating history. Don't reprimand him for picking you up
thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he
would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and
explain that 'abandonment' is one of your issues in
therapy. Don't tell him that his behaviour reminds you

103of your ex-boyfriend who was also never on time. Even
if this is true, don't tell him. Don't worry. By doing The
Billet, you will automatically attract a loving, attentive
husband who will be around so much that you won't
have time to think about your abandonment issues!
If you have a burning desire to tell him a secret, The Rules credo is Haste makes waste.' It's always better to
wait before telling someone something that you might
feel ashamed or nervous about. Wait at least a couple of
months. Better yet, wait until after he says I love you.'
Unless he loves you, it's none of his business anyway!
Too many women tell intimate details of their lives
far too soon. This is not only unwise, it doesn't work.
No man wants to be the recipient of a therapy session
upon first meeting you. No man wants to hear how
messed up your life has been before he really loves you.
You are not on this date to get sympathy but to have
a nice evening and get him to call you again. Remember Rule 10 - that the first three dates are about being light
and charming, like a summer breeze. Men must always
remember you as mysterious on the first three dates.
Their initial impression tends to go a long way. If and
when things get serious, you can casually tell him about
your difficult childhood and some of your fears. Even
then, tell him in an easy, short, simple way. Don't be
dramatic about your past. Don't go into long details.
Don't be burdensome.
Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes
you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on
the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both

104times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to
know it you'll join him. Don't say, 'No, I never drink. I
Kit a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years
ago and now I'm sober in AA.' Just say, 'No, thanks,'
and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in
love with you and you feel that he would not judge you
for your drinking problem, you can tell him something
like, 'I used to drink a lot in college. It really made me
sick. Now I'm in AA and I don't drink anymore. I feel
better.' Then smile and go on to other, more pleasant
conversation. If he loves you, he will not make you feel
bad. He won't argue with you or try to encourage you
to 'just have one.' He might even start drinking less
himself to make you feel better. He might even say that
he's proud of your sobriety and discipline.
If you've had a serious illness and you're embarrassed
about obvious scars from your surgery, wait
until you're about to be intimate with him and then
casually mention, as you take your clothes off in the
dark, that you had an illness. If he loves you, he will kiss
and caress you. Don't bring up the illness in a serious,
heart-to-heart talk on your first date. Remember, especially
in the beginning, don't be too intense about
anything or lay all your cards on the table. In general,
the less tragic you are about your life circumstances,
the more sympathy you will probably get. Ask for
sympathy and you never get it.
If you don't know how to hold on to money,
don't balance your cheque book, have an answering
machine filled with calls from debt collectors, don't tell

105him what a mess you are with finances and that you got
it from your gambling father. Now you might feel that
we are asking you to act casually about your problems,
but the fact is, you are bad with money and he will soon
see that. But does he really have to know about the
creditors and your cancelled credit cards? No, all he
has to know is that money is not your strong suit.
We are not suggesting that you hide or he about bad
things in your life, just that you not burden him with all
the gory details too soon. Does he really have to know
that your last boyfriend dropped you for your best
friend? Can't you just say, if he asks, that your last relationship
'just didn't work out?
He should always feel that he's in love with the girl of
his dreams, not someone damaged. If you feel damaged
read Rule I again and again. Remember, you are a creature
unlike any other! It's when and how you tell him
your dark secrets, not the secrets themselves, that matter.
By the time you are engaged, he should know all that
really matters about you and your family and your past. The Rules are truthful and spiritual in nature. It is
morally wrong to accept an engagement ring without
revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to
share. Tell him these things in a calm, non-dramatic
manner and don't, as some women do, surprise him
with these skeletons after you're married. That's not the
time to tell him that you were previously married or
never finished college. It's not fair to him and not good
for a Rules marriage.

106Rule 25

Be Honest But Mysterious

Men love mystery! Fifty years ago it was easier to be
mysterious with men. Women lived at home and their
mothers answered the phone and never told the men
who else called their daughters. Dates didn't see
women's bedrooms so soon. Today, men pick up
women at their flats, see their lingerie in the bathroom,
their romance novels in the living room, and hear their
phone messages. While such openness is good for
marriage, it's important to project a certain amount of
mystery during the dating period.
We are all looking for someone to share our lives,
thoughts and feelings with, but as we suggested in Rule
24 wait until he says he loves you to share your innermost
secrets. When he is in your home don't listen to
your answering machine. Let him wonder who called
besides him! You might know that the messages are
probably from girlfriends feeling suicidal about their
dating situations, but he doesn't!
If your date is at your place and one of your friends
calls, don't say, 'Eddied over. I can't talk'. That means
you've been talking about Eddie to your friends and
he's somehow important. Even if that is the case, Eddie

107should not know that he is the subject of your thoughts
and conversations or he might think he doesn't have to
work so hard to get you. Simply say, 'I can't talk right
now. I'll call you later'. After you hang up, don't tell him
who called or why.
Before he comes to your home, tuck this book away
and make sure any self-help books are out of sight.
Have interesting or popular novels or nonfiction
books in full view. Hide in the closet anything you don't
want him to see, such as a bottle of Prozac.
In general, don't give away any information that is
not absolutely necessary. If you are busy on the night
he asks you for a date, don't tell him what you're planning
to do. Just say you are busy. If he asks you out for
the weekend, don't say, 'I'm visiting my brother this
weekend. His wife just had a baby.' Simply say, 'I'm
sorry, but I already have plans.' Less is more. Let him
wonder what you are doing. You don't have to be an
open book. This is good for him and it's good for you.
It keeps the intrigue going. You don't want to make
dating you so easy and predictable that he loses
interest. Always remember that in time you will be able
to tell him just about anything!
On the other hand, Rules girls don't lie either.
Don't tell a Mel Gibson-type guy that you love hiking
when you can't stand trees, insects and backpacks.
And certainly don't tell your boyfriend that you love
and want children because he does when you really
don't. Take our advice. Don't lie. It's a law of the
universe.

108Rule 26


Don't Live With a Man
(or Leave Your Things in His House)

To live together or not to live together? Is that a question
you're grappling with now? Your friends (not
knowing The rules) might say, 'Do it'. Your parents
(being conservative) will no doubt say, 'No'. The Rules answer is: 'Move in only if you've set a wedding date.'
In other words, the only reason to live with someone is
if you're planning the wedding and you don't want to pay two rents.
Contrary to popular belief, living together is not a
trial period for him to see how he feels about you. He
either loves you or he doesn't, and playing house and
cooking him a lot of breakfasts won't change a thing. In
fact, sometimes, the best way for him to see how he feels
about you is to not see you at all. You may have to dump
him if he can't commit. If he really loves you, he'll beg
you to come back. If he doesn't, you've lost nothing,
saved time and can now go on to someone else.
Women who think that commitment will come after they shack up often learn the hard way that this is not
the case. Of course, by the time the lesson is learned,
their self-esteem is shattered and they're two or three or
four years older. Does this scenario sound familiar?

109

After dating James for a year and a half, Wendy
wanted a ring. James wouldn't budge. They decided to
live together to see if they could 'work it out' (his idea
and word choice). Nothing changed. When he went
away on business trips he didn't call or think about her
that much. Nine months and a lot of wasted time later,
he was still not in love and so he moved out. Wendy
attributed the break-up to his parents' messy divorce.
The truth is, she should have just ended it sooner when
he wouldn't commit.
If you operate under the delusion that living
together without a real commitment will somehow
bring you closer together, you should know that many
women tell us that their husbands proposed after they moved away from, not toward, the relationship. One
woman booked a trip to Club Med with a girlfriend
after dating her boyfriend for a year, another started
getting very busy and unavailable on weekends, and a
third talked about taking a job in another city. Then,
their husbands proposed.
Remember, men don't necessarily propose when
you're cuddled up on the couch watching a rented
video, but do so when they're afraid of losing you. In Love Story -- a movie you should study like the Bible -- Oliver proposes to Jenny (a. Rules girl, if there ever was
one) after she says she's planning to take a scholarship
in France and after suggesting that their opposite
(rich/poor) backgrounds would not mix well. Jenny
wasn't grateful or loving at that moment -- she almost
broke off their relationship. (You don't have to go that

110far!) But be a little distant and difficult. The unobtainable
is always more exciting; men very often want
something more just because they can't have it.
If you are following The Rules (particularly Rule 18: Don't See Him More than Once or Twice a Week), you can't possibly live with him, by design or by accident.
Women who tell us that they moved in with a man accidentally,
as a result of spending long weekends with
him, obviously broke a few rules along the way. You
stay over a lot and one thing leads to another. First you
get a drawer, then a shelf, and then a wardrobe of your
own. Before you or he realize it, you're having your
post delivered to his flat and your friends are leaving
messages on his tape machine.
Needless to say, this should not be happening. It
you are doing The Rules, you never need a wardrobe
full of clothes and accessories at his place. Don't leave
your toothbrush or bathrobe there. He should be
begging you to leave things in his apartment and going
out of his way to make shelf space. This invasion of
space should not come from you. You are independent,
you are not a crasher, you are always ending the
evening (or the morning) first. (Besides, the less he
sees of some of your less glamorous habits, like the way
you floss your teeth or the sound you make when you
slurp your coffee, the better).
Is there any reason to live with a man if you haven't
set a wedding date? Yes, and that's when he wants to
and you don't! He's crazy about you and you're not so
sure about him. In this case, he's taking the risk, not

111you. Still, proceed with caution. Living with him may
prevent you from dating others and meeting someone
you're crazy about, so how smart is it?


I

112Rule 27.

Observe His Behaviour on the Holidays

How he treats you on holidays is a good barometer of
how he feels about you!
When a man is in love, he thinks about you and
makes special plans with you in advance of Valentine's
Day, New Year's Eve, your birthday and Christmas or
its equivalent. He'll circle the dates on his calendar and
try to get the best table at a romantic restaurant -- and
that could mean calling a week or two ahead of time!
If it's Valentine's Day, he'll call the florist and buy
you roses or your favourite flowers. If it's your
birthday, he might buy you a piece of jewellery and a
meaningful card. He might suggest you spend the holidays
with his family and make sure you see in the New
Year together in a romantic way. He'll make a
thoughtful toast about the two of you. You're always on
his mind and in his heart.
He looks forward to being with you on that special
night and watching you read his card and open his
present. What should you give him? A Rules girl gives a
man she is dating a simple card for Valentine's Day -- something short and sweet; no poetry and no balloons -- and maybe a scarf or sweater for his birthday or the

113holidays. (See Rule 17: Don't Go Overboard and Other Rules
for Giving to Men.)
When a man is not in love, he sometimes doesn't even
acknowledge the holidays. He may take you out on
Saturday night as he normally does and not even
mention the holiday - even if it falls on the next day -- hoping that you don't either. You may blame his lack of
romantic interest in you at holiday time on his
upbringing or past relationships, but a man in love with
a woman acts differently with her than with anyone else.
If he's really not planning to marry you, he may not
even call you the week of Valentine's Day or New
Year's Eve. He may skip the week to avoid the whole
issue. If you ask him why he didn't call, he might say
things were hectic at work or holidays are silly. But a
man in love would not be too busy or cynical about the
holidays. In fact, we've known a few men who even
carved pumpkins for their girlfriends on Halloween,
hardly an important occasion.
When a man is not in love, he may buy a silly card
and just sign his name -- with no love'. He finds the
holidays stupid or commercial and gets irritable if you
take it seriously or expect more from him.
If the man you are dating does little or nothing for
your birthday, Valentine's Day, or New Year's Eve,
what should you do?
Don't bring up the occasion either. Pretend you
forgot or didn't care -- and then cry to your girlfriends.
Just don't let him know it bothered you!
Don't have a 'talk' about how you thought your first

114Valentine's Day or birthday together would be more
romantic and are really disappointed and hurt. You
can't make a man feel romantic if he doesn't. If these
special occasions are not important to him you must
accept this.
Don't hint that it's Valentine's Day or pressure him
to take you out or buy you flowers. He either thought of
it and wanted to or he didn't. Don't try to get something
from the wrong source. Buy yourself flowers if that's
important to you.
If you demand that he takes you out to buy you
flowers, he may comply, but it won't be from his heart.
He may do it just to avoid an argument or to continue to
see you (until he meets someone else) or to have sex. It
never works long-term if we force things.
If the man you are dating did not ask you out on New
Year's Eve or Valentine's Day or did not suggest
spending Christmas together, you cannot ask him to.
Man must pursue woman! Do not offer to make him a
candlelit dinner at your place (to make it easy for him
or so that he doesn't have to plan or spend money). If he
didn't initiate a romantic evening with you, then he
didn't want to be romantic with you. Just put it in the
back of your head that this man is not romantic or not in
love with you and either accept that or move on. This a
good time to re-evaluate the relationship and determine
if he is your Mr Right.
On Valentine's Days and New Year's Eves in the
past -- before you discovered The rules -- you may have
overlooked signs that a man wasn't in love with you.

115You may have rationalized his no card/silly card, and
told yourself these gestures were not important. But in
your heart, you knew the truth. You knew that a man in
love would have bought you flowers or tried to do
something special.
Now that you know The Rules, what do you do that
night if the man you are dating did not ask you out at
least several days -- preferably a week -- in advance for
an important occasion?
Make plans with your friends or go to a party where
you might meet someone else. The holidays can be a
very lonely and painful time for a single woman, so try
not to be home by yourself.
But even if all you do is stay at home, make sure to
leave your answering machine on so, in case he calls, he
doesn't know where you are. It really doesn't matter
what you do that night as long as you don't -- in a weak
moment -- call him and invite him over. Rent a video or
invite a girlfriend over for dinner, and think seriously
about breaking up with this guy. Resolve to do The Rules on every man you meet from this moment so you
don't spend your next birthday/Valentine's Day/New
Year's Eve/Christmas or holiday alone!

116
Rule 28


Rules for Personal Ads and
Dating Services

If you are planning to use personal ads, voice-mail ads,
video dating, or matchmaking services to meet men, we
recommend that you place the ad and let men respond
to you.
Why? It goes back to the basic premise of The Rules: man pursues woman. He must search through a sea of
print ads, voice mails, or video images and pick you out. He has to like your hair colour, your distinctive
voice, the way your wrote your ad, your height and
profession, and so on. Remember, he's the hunter!
Every man has a type, a voice or a look he likes. There
has to be a spark for him that attracts him to you, something
that makes him find you unexplainably special.
We have found that responding to a man's ad doesn't
seem to work as well. Answering his ad, liking his type,
liking his voice or looks or what he does for living puts
you in the unwanted position of being the pursuer. In
addition, he'll know you are interested in him or his
type and the challenge will be over.
Of course, even if he picks you out and likes you,
there's no guarantee that you'll like him. But this would
also be true at a bar or a parry. You wouldn't go up to

117the guy who's your type'; but you would wait for a man
to approach you. The same pretty much applies to
dating services and ads, although it's not quite as black
and white.
You just need to keep going on dates until a man who
responds to your ad is someone who appeals to you.
Hopefully, you are getting lots of responses from men -- see the tips below for placing an ad that draws the most
letters -- and have many choices. Having many men to
choose from is always good -- the more dates you have,
the more practice you will get, and you will be less
inclined to get hung up on any particular man.
What should your ad say?
To get the most and best responses, your ad should
be short, light, flirtatious and focused on your physical
attributes, not your feelings. If you are placing a
print or voice-mail ad, you must give him a mental
picture of you.
You may find it difficult to describe your appearance.
If so, one method we've found to be effective is to
say which model or actress or well-known personality
you resemble. Don't lie, but don't be modest either.
Hasn't anyone ever told you you look like someone
famous? If you're tall, blond and slim, try to think of a
well-known model with those attributes. If you are
short with dark hair and big eyes, perhaps there's a
movie star or TV sitcom character you resemble. Ask
your friends to help you come up with someone who
you could honestly say you look like. Put it in your ad.
Men love this stuff!

118Limit your ad to about four lines and stick to the
facts -- age, height, profession and hobbies. Don't say
you're looking for true love or romance. He should
think you're just dating.
Here's a good voice-mail ad;
'I am twenty-eight years old, five feet seven inches
with long brown straight hair and green eyes. People
tell me I look like (model/movie star). I'm a dental
hygienist. I like tennis and swimming. Well, that's me!
[Giggle] Have a great day.'
Here's an ad you would not want to use, even if this is
exactly how you feel:
'At the end of my rope. It's really hard to meet men so
I decided to try this. I'm thirty-five, a financial analyst,
looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm not into playing games.'
Aside from the fact that a man seeing or hearing this
has no idea what she looks like, the ad is much too
serious, too revealing and quite depressing.
When you receive responses, call the men you are
interested in meeting when you think they will not be
home and leave your name and phone number on their
answering machine. Of course, if he answers, only stay
on the phone for ten minutes.
Assuming you get his machine and he calls you back,
still don't stay on the phone for more than ten minutes.
Hopefully he will set up a date to meet you within that
period of time. If not, hang up after ten minutes
anyway. Staying on the phone longer to give him more
time to ask you out is not The Rules. Don't become best

119friends on the phone. We know women who stayed on
the phone for hours getting to know men who
answered their ads. These men never even asked to
meet them or they made tentative plans and then didn't
follow through. They proved to be complicated or
unreliable. In cases where a relationship did start, it
usually fizzled within a few months. There was no
mystery, no build-up -- it was simply too much too soon.
This won't happen if you're getting off the phone in ten
minutes. Get to know him on dates.
So if you don't have many blind dates and you
haven't connected recently with any men at singles
events, work or the gym, you should most definitely try
personal ads and dating services. The men who
respond to ads and sign up with services are usually
serious about meeting someone and often marriage
minded -- otherwise, why would they spend the time or
money? In fact, we know several women who met and
married men through ads and dating services.
In conclusion, our advice is to try everything until
you meet Mr Right! Remember, placing an ad or
joining a dating service does not mean you should stop
going to parties, bars, resorts, singles weekends, or
taking up a social sport like tennis. The bottom line is:
Never give up and never stop trying!

120disadvantage in social situations. They believe that they
have a better chance of attracting a man with their
mind, great personality or witty way of writing, than
their looks. The Internet allows them to date with no
make-up on and in sweatpants.
We understand how they feel, but we just don't think
this method works as well as face-to-face meetings. The
best romantic relationships start out with physical
chemistry. Internet relationships are based on chatting.
We know several women who spent months talking to
men on the Internet before meeting them. Few of these
relationships worked out. He calls you his 'soul mate',
the one who knows his innermost thoughts and dreams
and then marries someone else he's really attracted to!
But if you are determined to meet men on-line, we
suggest that you do The Rules the best you can so you
don't waste time conversing with men who will never
marry you or put yourself in danger. Here are some
suggestions:

1.	Once he's shown interest in you -- responded to your personal ad or approached you in a chat room -- tell him you'd like to exchange photos by Email
right away. There's no point in continuing an online
romance if he's not attracted to you.
2.	Once he's seen your photo, it's up to him to suggest meeting you. (If he doesn't, then he's not crazy
about your looks and it's next! If he lives in
another city, he should visit your city. You don't visit him. (See Rules 14 and 15: Rules for long distance

122

relationships)..We've heard about women who 'hop
on a train' to meet a man they've been chatting with
for weeks or months. Rules girls let men visit them!
When he hops on a train or drives to visit you, you
must meet at a public place. He should not know where you live!
We cannot stress the safety factor enough. We've
heard about women who risked their lives because
they invited men they met on-line to their home on
the first or second date. This is dangerous. In addition,
make sure to give a friend or relative any information
about the date -- who, what, where, when -- so he or she can keep track of your whereabouts.
Don't use the Internet to have heart-to-heart
conversations or to bond with a man. Many women
think that The Rules -- i.e., don't open up too fast, be
honest but mysterious -- don't apply to online dating. They wonder how they can get to know this
stranger if they don't tell him their whole life story
right away. They think nothing of baring their souls
or discussing their past relationships and their desire to meet and marry Mr. Right. And if he lives
in another city and they don't see him that often,
they feel that justifies frequent Emails.
Don't kid yourself. E-mails are no different from
)hone calls, letters and greeting cards. We don't call men, we don't write them letters or cards and we don't overdo Email.

123Whether you are dating on-line or face-to-face, men are
still men. They do not fall in love with and marry the
women who send them the most revealing and most
frequent E-mails, even if they say that's what they
want. They might tell you that they like -women who are
honest and open, who say they want a commitment if
they want a commitment, who don't play games. But
they actually chase and/or marry women they are physically
attracted to, who are elusive and challenging and
whose E-mails are as well. Short and sweet is always
the best.
If you're on the computer chatting with him so
much, how challenging are you? How interesting can
your life be if you are glued to your terminal and have
time to chat with him ten times a day?
Let him get into the habit of E-mailing you interesting
titbits about his day without necessarily
receiving a response every time. Remember, on-line or
in person, you are a creature unlike any other and
worth pursuing, so let him.

124Rule 30


Don't Waste Time on
Fantasy Relationships

If you have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or
accountant, you may find yourself wondering if he's
interested in you romantically. You're not alone, but
you may not be seeing the situation for what it is. How
can you know for sure? It's simple. Has he ever asked
you out? Has he ever suggested having a drink, lunch
or dinner? If the answer is no, then he's not!
This may sound obvious, but you'd be surprised how
many women tell themselves it's romance when a man
pays them the slightest attention out of professional
courtesy. Unless he asks to spend time with you in a
non-professional capacity, a relationship beyond business
does not exist -- and Rules girls don't waste their
time on non-existent relationships!
The fact is, when a man is interested in a woman -- including a female patient or client, employer or
employee -- he finds some way to ask her out. He may
invite her to work out at his gym, attend a fundraiser
with him or play tennis over the weekend. He may not
necessarily ask her out for a Saturday night date since
that might be too obvious, or awkward, or forward, but
he'll figure out some way to see her outside of the office.

125This behaviour is different from the professional courtesy
of a physician or financial advisor, who might say,
'Call me anytime,' which women mistakenly interpret
as romantic interest.
Let's examine three fantasy relationships and The
Rules's answers to remove any doubt you might have
about a similar situation in your life.

Fantasy Relationships #1:Your internist of two years
told you 'beep me anytime' if your asthma acts up. He
once told you to call him by his first name. He puts his
arm around your shoulders when he escorts you out of
his office. You just know he would ask you out if you
weren't his patient. And, naturally, you want to have a
'talk' with him or ask him out!
The Rules answer: If a doctor is friendly, affectionate,
concerned and kind, then he's doing his job. It's not a
come-on for a doctor to tell a patient to beep him or call
the office day or night' if his patient has asthma -- people can die of asthma and it's his job to make sure his
patients stay alive and well. Some doctors are informal
(it's okay to call them by their first name) and others are
touchy-feely (they kiss all their patients hello and
goodbye). It's just good bedside manners - and good
business -- for a doctor to show warmth and caring. If
he were romantically interested in you and uncomfortable
about dating a patient, he would refer you to his
associate and then ask you out.
Sure, it's a little more complicated for a doctor,
lawyer or CEO to pursue a patient, client or associate.

126But it's not impossible. We've heard about bosses
who've dated and even married their employees, even
though it was frowned upon by the company. At first
they kept the relationship a secret and then they voluntarily
decided he or she would transfer to another division
or another company so they could date freely.

Fantasy Relationship #2: Your accountant called you
over the weekend to remind you to send in your tax
forms before April 15. You think because he called you
on Saturday at home instead of during the week at
work there might be something there.
The Rules answer: Accountants work on the weekends,
especially during the busy tax season. The lines
between work and home, during-the-week and weekends
can be very blurry in business. Unless he
suggested brunch, don't read into it.

Fantasy Relationship #3: You think the waiter at the
restaurant you go to twice a week likes you because he
always remembers how you like your eggs and that you
take your coffee light with two sugars. You think he's
more attentive to you than other customers -- refills
your coffee before you ask -- and always make conversation
with you. You want to let him know you're not
seeing anyone seriously and would go out with him if he
asked. The problem is, he hasn't. What to do?
The Rules answer: Waiters are in the service business.
It's normal for a waiter to remember a regular
customer's preferences. He works for tips so it's in his

127interest to be friendly, make conversation, get your
order right. If he liked you beyond this, however, he would suggest having drinks one night.
The point bears repeating: When a man is really
interested in a woman, he figures out some way to ask
her out.
Don't be insulted. We're not suggesting that your
doctor, broker or accountant isn't fond of you, just that
it's not a Rules relationship until he asks you out.
Also keep in mind that many men, including professionals,
like to flirt with women. Looking at lab results,
contracts and financial statements all day can get pretty
boring, so it's fun for them to make small talk, notice
your figure if you're in good shape and compliment you
on your new hairstyle. After all, they are men and they
do like to look at women! It's also an ego boost for them
to put on the charm, knowing that it gives some of their
female patients/clients high school girl crushes. But it's
all quite harmless, so don't take it seriously unless he
asks you on a date.
We're not saying that you can't daydream about
your sexy doctor or look forward to quarterly meetings
with your handsome financial planner. Being a Rules girl doesn't mean you can't have obsessions, it means
you don't act on them.
The danger lies in thinking there's a relationship
there and not being open to real relationships. Women
who are absorbed in fantasy relationships usually don't
have real ones!
Ask yourself, are you doing everything to meet men

128or are you living for the day when your dream lover
asks you out? You're less likely to place a personal ad,
sign up with a dating service or take that singles ski trip
if you believe you're in a relationship.
Remember, Rules girls know they're either dating a
man or not. There's nothing in between.
So if you thought your broker or lawyer was interested
in you, but now you realize he may like you but
not romantically, try to accept the truth instead of
fighting it. Your first impulse may be to clear the air, be
open and honest -- ask him if he has feelings for you but
isn't acting on them because of your professional relationship.
You might want to write him a note or, worse,
a long letter explaining how you feel.
Don't. First, that's not The Rules. He must initiate any
such talk. Second, nothing good will come of it. If you talk
to him and he tells you that you misread his politeness and
that he's just as nice to every other client/patient, you'll
feel foolish and hurt -- not to mention embarrassed about
seeing him again professionally.
If, on the other hand, he tells you he is attracted to
you, but has decided not to pursue the relationship
because he's involved with someone else or more interested
in you as a client/patient than a lover, you're not
much better off. You have the ego satisfaction of
knowing that he's attracted to you, but so what? You
still don't have a Saturday night date, much less a relationship.
And it's a hollow victory anyway because if he
was really crazy about you -- and why would a Rules girl
settle for anything less? -- he would rather date you

129than just have a professional relationship with you.
So if you can't tell him how you feel, what can you do?
The Rules. Look your best whenever you see him, end
all phone calls/meetings first, show no interest in him
personally, don't send him holiday cards (if you mistakenly
thought that would make him think about you in a
different light) or invite him to your New Year's party to
pave the way from a professional relationship to a social
one. Don't buy him a tie for Christmas or bake him
cookies for the holidays. Gifts don't make men think
about women or ask them out. Try to treat him as you
would an elderly or unattractive man - not the handsome
hunk you think he is! -- someone you wouldn't
think twice about, much less bake brownies for!
Doing The Rules won't make him ask you out if he
was never going to, but it will keep you from wasting
time baking cookies and writing notes to men who
aren't interested in you. You'll have more self-esteem.
Of course, the best thing you can do is try to meet
other men, men who do ask you out. Nothing replaces a
fantasy relationship better than a. Rules one! So move on!

130Rule 31


Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in School

Remember Janis Ian's song, I learned the rules at
seventeen, that love was meant for beauty queens?' The
fact is, unless you look like Brooke Shields, school can
be very rough. There's acne and not fitting into the 'in'
crowd, not to mention having to go to discos with a
group because you don't have a date. Our Rules for
school won't guarantee you a date every time, but they
will bring out the very best in you and make you more
attractive to the opposite sex.

1.	If you have really bad acne, go to a dermatologist. Cut out the greasy foods -- pizza, crisps, french fries -- that make your face oily. Eat fruits and vegetables
and drink six to eight glasses of water a day. It also
goes without saying that you should never spend
Saturday night lying on your bed. Have fun, make
plans. Start believing now that you are a creature
unlike any other! (See Rule 1)
2.	Spend your baby-sitting money on manicures and some pretty clothes. Wear makeup, but not too
much. The idea is to look pretty, not overdone.

1313. If you have a crush on a boy, your older brother's
friend perhaps, don't act like one of the boys with
him. Don't wear a baseball cap and sit around
watching a ball game with the group. If he happens
to be around, don't talk to him first. Be reserved
and slightly mysterious. Let him notice you.
A. Always be out, mingling, not indoors, worrying.
Go out to the beach, to the movies, to parties, not in
your room dwelling on your flaws or quoting
Sylvia Plath. When you do go to parties, dances or
the beach, don't look wildly around for a boy to talk
to you or ask you to dance. Don't chew gum and
cackle. Walk erect as if you were balancing a book
on your head, look directly in front of you, and
seem self-contained even if you're lonely and bored
to death.
5.	If you have decided to have sex, wait until you are in a steady relationship. Use birth control, specifically
a condom. You don't -want to end up with an
unwanted pregnancy or disease. Impulsive and
irresponsible behaviours are not The Rules. It can be
even cooler and safer to simply wait until you're
more mature.
6.	Don't smoke, take drugs or drink alcohol, even if a very cool and good-looking boy is pressuring you
to do so. Cigarettes are unhealthy, drugs and
alcohol are mind altering and addictive and might
make you do something that you don't want to do
(like sleep with him on the first date). To do The
Rules you must always be one step ahead. Drugs

132and alcohol make you messy and stupid -- definitely
not Rules behaviour.
7.	School is a good time to take up sports like jogging, aerobics, swimming or tennis. This is not only good
for your body, but also for your social life. Lots of
socializing goes on at running tracks and tennis
courts. A healthy hobby will give you something to
do in the summer. If you have the money, you might
think about going to tennis camp where you can
meet athletic boys your age. If you spend the
summer working, on your days off make sure you
go to the beach, get a (safe) tan, wear short shorts
and bikinis, and go swimming, play tennis or go
rollerblading.
8.	Act confident even if you don't feel it. Notice what kinds of clothes, shoes, bags, jewellery and hairstyles
the most popular kids in school are wearing.
Don't try to be too different or frugal in this area.
You'll feel lousy, so it's not 'worth it. To see what's
hot and what's not, subscribe to a popular magazine
for teenagers. Don't let your mind tell you that
all of this is superficial and beneath you. (Save your
mind for exams and course work.) Don't you like
boys who wear Polo shirts and cowboy boots when
that's in fashion? Well, they like girls who wear
what's on MTV and in the magazines.
6. If the boy you like doesn't ask you out, don't ask
him. Better that you go with someone else who asks
you or with a group. Start being a Rules girl now!

1337. If you are lucky enough to have a boyfriend during
school, let him be the one to worry about the future.
Choose a college that's good for you, not necessarily
the one he is going to. (Who knows? You
could follow him all the way to college only to have
him dump you for a prettier girl.) Go to whatever
college you like and if he wants to see you, let him
travel to your campus. Let him call and write to you.
Unless you're engaged, date others. Don't spend
every weekend with your school boyfriend, as
some girls do who have a hard time separating. If
you're meant to marry your school sweetheart, it
will happen despite the distance between you and
despite any other men you meet in college.

134Rule 32


Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College

If you are going to college soon, we'd like to save you
about four years of heartache. Here are seven mistakes
not to make, now that The Rules are part of your
curriculum.

1.	Don't look up his timetable and follow him around campus hoping he will eventually notice you. It's
great exercise; otherwise, don't bother. Either he
noticed you or he didn't.
2.	Don't hang out in the dining hall for all three dinner shifts hoping to spot him at some point between 4.30
p.m. and 8.00 p.m., and end up gaining the 'freshman
2 stone' instead. (Do you really want to spend your
college career in the cafeteria wondering, 'When will
so-and-so walk in?)
3.	Don't have your girlfriend talk to his best friend and find out how he feels about you or if he even
knows who you are, and/or become best friends
with the girl on his floor, or do favours for anyone
he knows. (Don't waste your time. No one, not
even his best friend, can make him like you.)

1354.	Don't find out what his favourite albums or CDs are and play them all the time and don't wear, say, a
Grateful Dead T-shirt if that's his favourite group.
(Strange how women think that men are attracted
to women who dress like men -- sporty and even
grungy. Yet, it's always the girls with cute jeans and
fashionable shirts that get the guys.) The Rule is
don't wear clothes to copy men, but to attract them.
5.	Don't become a sports fanatic simply because he's on the football or rugby team. The same goes for
taking up smoking or drinking because he does
those things. Many women we know who sipped
Perrier on dates with men who drank alcohol and
smoked and are now married to them. When it
comes to habits, be yourself.
6.	Don't offer to help him with Shakespeare if literature
is not his strong suit or type his papers, hoping
he'll date you. He either wants to or he doesn't.
7.	Don't be stupid about safety! Date rape has become quite rampant in college these days. Be
wary. Study in a lounge or library rather than alone
with him in his room or off-campus flat. Always tell
someone your whereabouts so they can keep track
of you. Rules girls don't take chances. Don't take
date rape lightly!

Now that you know what not to do, what should you do
to attract your man on campus?

136
1.	Study! After all, that's what you're there for! Smart is sexy!
2.	Eat sensibly, even when your friends are gorging on unlimited cafeteria food and having pizza delivered
to their rooms at midnight. We suggest you
take fruit from the dining hall to save as a midnight
snack. Tell yourself during the pizza party that
your jeans will fit tomorrow. Remember, overweight
is not The Rules
3.	Wear makeup. Read Vogue and other popular fashion magazines.
A. Get involved in some extracurricular activity,
preferably one that you're interested in and where
you can meet men naturally.
5.	Don't sit in your room alone on Friday and Saturday nights reading Jean-Paul Sartre. Friday
and Saturday nights are for mingling. You can read
Sartre on Monday.
6.	Pick a subject and a career goal. College is not about picking up your MRS degree, although you
may very well meet your future husband on
campus. Still, you must exercise your brain, both
for his sake and yours. Don't be an airhead.

137Rule 33


Don't Stand by His Desk and Other Rules for the Office Romance

The office is one of the trickiest places to follow The Rules because if you are dating someone at work, your
professional life and your love life may overlap to some
extent. Therefore, you must do The Rules strictly so you
don't place your job or your relationship (or both) in
jeopardy.
Of course, the first rule is to figure out whether or
not you are actually in an office romance. A lot of men
like to flirt with women at the office. They don't think
twice about it, it means nothing to them and it should
mean nothing to you! (See Rule 30: Don't waste Time on Fantasy Relationships.)
If you have a crush on someone in your office -- a coworker,
employee, or your boss - and he's never asked
you out, don't try to get his attention. Some dating
books have suggested you drink from the water cooler
near his office or use the copier closest to his desk or
even ask him out to lunch to discuss business. The Rules say, do your job and look your best. Don't look for
excuses to talk to him or walk by his desk. (You
shouldn't have to do any of these things to make him
notice you. He either notices you or he doesn't!)

138Don't tell yourself that he would have asked you out
if you didn't work for the same company. There are
enough office romances out there to refute that theory.
As we have stated, if it is not a company code, bosses
have no problem dating employees and even their own
secretaries if they want to. On the other hand, don't
count on working for the same company to be the spark
that will unite you. Don't stay at the company hoping
that one day he will notice you and ask you out. We
know women who waited in vain for years for that to
happen. Rules girls don't hold themselves back for a
fantasy relationship.
Now assuming you are dating a co-worker or even
your boss, how should you act? Below are fourteen
rules for office daring. Do them to the letter because
you might have to see this man on a daily basis. There's
nothing worse than having to work with a man you
dread seeing or who dreads seeing you everyday
because you broke rules -- or working with him after he
drops you! These rules are not just good for the relationship,
but for your company and your career. You'll
be a better worker if you're not figuring out ways to be
with him all day!

1. Do not go to work everyday, motivated by the
prospect of seeing him or spending time with him,
or you might act out on your feelings. Go to work
thinking, how can I work hard today and
contribute to my company -- or at the very least,
how can I not break The Rules. Try to be busy, as

139opposed to day-dreaming at your desk or, worse,
finding reasons to talk to him or see him. (When the
urge to stop by his office hits you, begin a new
project or stop by a friend's desk to say hello.) If
he stops by your desk, be nice, but end the conversation
after five or ten minutes unless it's business
related. Just pick up the papers on your desk and
say, 'I'd better get back to work!'
. Work hard, but don't be such a tireless worker that
you don't care about your appearance. Don't spend
so much time at the office that you have no time for
such mundane tasks as taking your clothes to the
dry cleaner or getting a manicure. We know
women who are smart and attractive, but you can't
help but notice the coffee stains on their blazers,
their scruffy shoes and untweezed eyebrows. Don't
be like that. You're a Rules girl!
Make sure you're wearing fashionable suits and
shoes --you want to look as good as you can! Don't
wear tights with runs in them -- keep extra pairs in
your desk drawer in case they rip at work. Shine
your shoes. Wear makeup and perfume, but not too
much. (It's an office, not a disco!) Remember,
you're a creature unlike any other and you care
about your looks. Do all of this for yourself but also
because you could run into him or someone else at
the office.
Do not agree to see him on a moment's notice just
because you work together. If he stops by your
desk and casually asks you to have lunch with him

140
that day or to have drinks after work that evening,
say you'd love to, but can't. Even if you are free for
lunch or drinks, don't see him on short notice. He
should be asking you out in advance for the
weekend.
If you see him on a whim, the relationship will
become too casual. He won't think you're special
enough to plan in advance to see you. In addition, if
you allow the relationship to be on a coworker
level, it could take him years to propose. We know a
very attractive woman who accepted last-minute
dates from a man she worked with. Several times a
week at 6:00 p.m. he would drop by her desk and
suggest having drinks. She always said yes. He also
couldn't commit to Saturday night dates until
Friday or Saturday because he 'wasn't sure what he
was doing.' She accepted his behaviour because she
didn't know there was a better way. It took him six
years to propose and their marriage is troubled; he
never seems to really make the effort, and she feels
taken for granted.
So just because you work at the same company
doesn't mean he can see you whenever he feels like
it. Don't make it so easy for him. He has to ask you
out in advance -- otherwise, you're busy! If you
work closely together, you should sometimes disappear
at lunch hour. Don't tell him where you're
going. Remember, he works with you and dates you
- that can get a little all-consuming, so you must be
doubly careful to remain a little mysterious!

141A. Be discreet. Don't talk about the relationship with
co-workers. If anyone asks you what you did over
the weekend, don't say, 'David and I went hiking.'
Just say that you went hiking. Don't answer any
questions with 'we'. It may hurt your career to be
the subject of office gossip. It's not good for the relationship,
either, since no man likes to date a big
mouth. Men love privacy. Anything coworkers
know about the relationship should come from him!
Likewise, don't volunteer information to him.
For example, don't tell him where you're going on a
business trip or who you're having a meeting with
unless he specifically asks about either.
5.	If you need to talk to the man you are dating about
business -- perhaps he's your boss -- by all means,
talk to him! Always be professional and return his
calls promptly if it is a business matter. Just check
your motives. Is it really necessary to contact him,
or are you looking for an excuse to be with him?
For example, don't knock on his door to tell him
about concert tickets or a lecture on personal
growth! If it is work-related, keep the conversation
brief and end it first.
If possible, leave the information with his secretary
or in his 'in box'. Write any memos or notes in a
businesslike manner. Do not leave love notes or cute
Post-it's on his desk. If he needs to talk to you, he
can always come to your office or leave you a note!
6.	He can e-mail you as much as he wants, but don't Email
him back every time unless it is business-related.

142On all non-business E-mails, once for every four of
his E-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, keep
your E-mails brief and breezy and stick to business.
This is important, because you never know who has
access to your E-mail -- it may be read by the head of
the company, so keep all romance off the screen and
save it for Saturday nights.
7.	Don't snoop around his office. You shouldn't even be near his office! Don't ask his secretary who calls
him or who he's having lunch with and where. It's
none of your business. Besides, she might tell him
and he will be annoyed and resent it.
8.	Don't make your office a shrine to your relationship.
Don't put his photo in a frame on your desk or
keep the teddy bear he gave you for Valentine's
Day in your office after February 14. It's best to be
businesslike.
Speaking of your office, be neat. Neat is sexy. No
one likes to date a slob. So don't be a pack rat. Don't
have piles of paper on your desk or stash half-eaten
sandwiches in your desk drawer. Don't collect
objects or hang memorabilia on the walls. Don't
decorate your office like a college dorm room.
Don't be cute or juvenile. Be professional.
9.	Don't kiss or hold hands at the office. Not only is it
unprofessional, it's not good for The Rules. He has to
ask you out on a date to kiss you or spend quality
time with you. Don't agree to go to a hotel with him
during your lunch hour. That's not a date and he
won't respect you (and you'll come back from

143lunch looking rumpled and unbusinesslike). No
one wants a reputation - be careful that you don't
earn one. Again, he has to ask you out for the
weekend for you to take dating him seriously!
10.	Don't sleep with your boss or co-worker unless
you're in a committed relationship -- not just for sex
and not to further your career. Bad motives tend to
backfire.
Keep in mind that The Rule, don't stop because
you're out of town. If you're on a business trip
together and it would be easy to have sex because
you're staying at the same hotel -- still say no if
you're not in a committed relationship. It may seem
tempting -- you are away from the office, and who
will know? But remember, eventually you have to
return home -- back to reality -- and you'll regret
sleeping with him if he isn't serious about you or
ignores you when you return to the office.
11.	Don't hang out at the office at the end of the day or go to happy hour with the gang after work. You do
not want to be thought of as the office parry girl,
but the kind of girl men marry. And of course don't
get drunk at the office Christmas parry or at any
other party. It's hard to do The Rules when you're
drunk!
12.	If you work in different cities for the same company let him travel to visit you three times before you
visit him. If you're sent to his city on business, don't
mention getting together. He must suggest making
plans. If things do get serious, you shouldn't

144relocate until you have a commitment/wedding
date.
13.	Don't stay at the company just because he "works there. If you are happy with your job or are interested
in other opportunities, pursue them. We don't
hold ourselves back for a man. If it's good for your
career to leave the company, go! Doing what's
good for you will also show him you're independent,
not clingy. It might make him miss you and
propose faster because he can't see you every day.
14.	Do not suggest commuting together even if you live near each other and work at the same company. It
must be his suggestion and you should turn him
down sometimes just so he doesn't take you for
granted and so you can remain mysterious.

Married women have written to us asking how they
should behave if they work with their husbands.
We hope they were either already working together
when they met, or that it was their husband's idea to
work together. Women should never suggest working
with their husbands as a way of spending more time
with them or checking up on them. It's not The Rules, and men hate it. You should only work with your
husband if there is a legitimate reason to and/or it was
his idea.
Regardless of why you are working together, here
are five rules:

1451.	Do not suggest sharing an office or putting your desks near each other. Any togetherness must
come from him.
2.	Do not be the one suggesting commuting together.
3.	Do not suggest having lunch together. You both need some time apart during the day.
4.	Don't spy on him, don't ask his secretary who called, or get upset if he talks to other 'women.
5.	Don't bring up personal business at the office and discourage him if he does. Be professional. Do your
job!

146Rule 34.

Don't Be a Groupie and Other Rules for
Dating Celebrities or High-Profile Men

It's not everyday that you meet a celebrity or a high
profile man, but it can happen -- at a party, on a plane, in
the company cafeteria or in a doctor's waiting room.
And if you don't know The Rule,) and how to do them,
you can easily ruin a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
For example, we know a woman who met a famous
actor at a fundraiser. He walked right up to her and
said, 'You're beautiful. When can we go out?'
Here was the perfect Rules beginning -- he was obviously
attracted to her and made the first move. But not
knowing The Rules, she gushed, 'Tonight'.
Obviously, that was the wrong answer. When a
famous actor says when can I see you, just smile and
say, 'Let me think, I don't know ..." as if famous actors
ask you out all the tune. Even if he's ten times busier
than you are, act as if you just don't know when you can
see him. He must specifically ask you out for a particular
night and it cannot be that night or the next night
but several nights in advance.
The actor took our friend out to dinner, where she
proceeded to tell him how much she admired his work
and even asked him to autograph the menu. They spoke

147for hours (even closed the restaurant) and he hardly had
to pressure her to go back to his hotel room. Although
she did not have sex with him, she spent the night. He
told her he would call her again when he was in town in
a few weeks, but she never heard from him. By the time
she found out about The Rules, it was too late.
What follows are The Rules for meeting and dating
actors, athletes, famous authors, movie producers,
directors, CEOs and other powerful men. Assuming
the celebrity or business VIP spoke to you first, here's
what to do and what not to do:

1.	Take a deep breath. Stay composed.
2.	Treat him as you would any other man - a co-worker, your doorman -- not the movie star or
business tycoon he is.
3.	Do not stare at him.
4.	Do not light up or act giddy, as if you just won the lottery.
5.	Do not carry on like a crazed fan. In other words, do not say anything like, 'Oh my God, I can't
believe it's -- I I've seen all your movies!' (Even if
you have seen all his movies twice!) Act as if you've
been out of the country for the last three years and
you're not quite sure who he is, even if he was just
on the cover of People magazine.
6.	Don't ask for his autograph.
7.	Don't compliment him, as in 'You look much better in person than on TV'

1488.	Don't ask him about his next movie or show any interest in his career (or you'll sound like every
other woman he's ever met).
9.	If you're an aspiring actress, do not ask for an audition
or a part in his movie. If you're looking for
work, do not ask this high-powered executive for a
job in his company. Do not ask for his business card
or offer to send him your CV or movie script.

10.	Do not ask him to do you a favour, such as donate money to your favourite charity or give you tickets
to his show or a free copy of his book.
11.	Act interested but not spellbound. Movie stars and CEOs are typically hounded and drooled over. So
leave him alone. After five minutes or ten minutes
of conversation about whatever he wants to talk
about, say, 'Oh, look at the time, I must leave now.
It was nice meeting you' and walk away. Do not
spend the evening talking to this man. Do not agree
to go out with him that night, even if he's leaving
the country the next morning. (He can always call
you - they have phones in other countries, too.)
12.	Do not seem impressed by his Armani suit, limo or entourage.
13.	If you meet a performer and he offers you a ticket to see his concert or show as a first date, politely
decline. Attending his show is not a date. If he
wants to see you the night of the show, he must pick
you up afterward and take you out.
A. If you're dating a sports star, don't run around the
country wearing his jersey and attending all his

149games until you're in a committed relationship.
Even then, he still must ask you out on dates to
spend time with you.
15.	Once you're actually dating a CEO or celebrity, don't see him whenever and wherever it's convenient
for him because he has a busy schedule. He
still has to ask you out in advance and you must
turn him down politely if he expects to see you only
on his terms -- otherwise he will take you for
granted. Celebrities are used to being spoiled, but
you're a Rules girl.
16.	Of course, it's tempting to drop your friends and family and revolve your whole life around this
famous man. By following The Rules, you must still
live your own life, see him only two to three times a
week -- until he proposes.
17.	If he's handsome or widely popular, expect that other women might write to him, call him and throw
themselves at him in public. Do not get angry or
show jealousy or insecurity when this happens. Do
not be possessive in public. If he pursued you and
you're doing The Rules, their advances won't matter.
He'll still want you.
18.	Be discreet. Do not call the tabloids and tell them you're dating a celebrity, as a way of announcing to
other women that he's your man -- that doesn't
work anyway -- and don't talk to reporters if they
call you. That would be self-serving, possibly
hurtful or embarrassing to him, and might ruin any
chances of his continuing to see you.

15019.	Don't try to become too friendly with his secretary, publicist or limo driver in an effort to keep tabs on
him or so they put in a good word for you.
20.	Don't seem overly interested in his fame, his wealth or the limelight. Rules girls are not groupies.

Keep in mind, sometimes a star is not your Air Right,
and sometimes your Mr Right is not a star. If you truly
want things to work out between you, take things
slowly, get to know him and determine whether you
love him or his image.

151Rule 35

Rules for Turning a Friend
Into a Boyfriend

You've been friends for ages. Now, for whatever
reason, you've decided he's 'The One'. Can you turn a
friend into a boyfriend?
Only if he really always liked you, but you or circumstances
prevented the friendship from developing
further. For example, you never wanted anything more
until recently, or you were both dating other people.
Maybe you couldn't imagine him as a boyfriend because
of age differences (he's much older or younger than
you), personality differences (he's artsy, you're a business-type),
or you come from different backgrounds.
How can you be sure he always liked you as more
than a friend if you've just been friends?
There are certain things a friend does or says when
he is drawn to you. For example:
He always just happens to be in your neighbourhood
or business area. He likes to watch his favourite
programmes in your flat. He likes your TV set better. If
you are co-workers, he's frequently drinking water
from the fountain near your desk. If you're in college,
he's always hanging outside of your dorm room or is
often at the dining hall when you're there.

152The bottom line: when a man is attracted to you, he
finds ways -- excuses -- to be near you. We're not exaggerating
when we say, whoever's near you likes you!
You don't have to look far or wide to find him. He's
always hanging around. You can't get rid of him!
When a friend wants to date you, he doesn't talk
about other women, even if he's dating someone else.
He never seems to notice other women, even your
very attractive friend. If, in fact, he is attracted to
other women, he tells everyone but you. Around you,
the words will just not come out, they stick in his
throat.
While he's private about his own love life, he wants
to know about yours and asks a lot of questions. He
wants to know the type of guy you like to date and what
you like to do on Saturday nights. He makes it sound as
if he's just curious, no big deal, of course, but he's really
figuring out how he's going to use that information to
make a move one day. He thinks anyone you're dating
is not good enough for you. He'll even put them down
('His father got him the job').
When a male friend is really interested in you, he
tries to be helpful. He offers to show you how to play
tennis or how to work the computer. He might help you
move your stuff from one flat to another or listen to
your work or roommate problems without expecting
anything in return. In fact, he never expects you to help
him with anything, unless it's an excuse to stay
connected to you.
If he likes you as more than a friend, he'll tease you,

153flirt with you and make you laugh. He thinks your
shortcomings are cute.
He means more than he says. He tries to be cool
around you, but he's really quite nervous.
When a male friend is not interested in you romantically,
he behaves quite differently. He's calm, rational,
matter-of-fact. You can take everything he does and
says at face value.
He asks you for advice about dating another woman
because he really wants your advice! He's simply interested
in a woman's perspective. He's not secretly in love
with you or bringing it up to get closer to you. He talks
freely about liking other women. He might even say in
front of you, 'She's really cute.' He doesn't think he
could be hurting your feelings because you're his friend.
You're like his sister -- there's no sexual undercurrent.
When a male friend likes you as a friend, he's not that
interested in your love life. He's satisfied with your
friendship. If you're not dating anyone, he might offer
to fix you up with someone, but he doesn't want to go
out with you himself. He doesn't want to start anything,
he feels no spark.
If you're having a problem with the guy you're
dating, he will try to help you 'work it out', as opposed
to helping you get out of the relationship! He's
not angry if he sees you with other men because he's not
interested in you romantically. He wank) to see you
happy. If he's a little jealous when you have a boyfriend,
it's in the same way a close girlfriend might be. Your
relationship reminds him of what he doesn't have and

154takes time away from your friendship with him. It's
friendship loss, not a romantic loss. This, however,
doesn't mean he wants you. You'd know if he did -- if
you thought about it honestly.
When a male friend is just a friend, he helps you as
much as you help him. He'll show you how to read a
financial statement, you'll teach him how to cook.
Everything's Dutch treat. It's a mutually beneficial
relationship.
A male friend might even be your best friend -- someone who would be there in a pinch if you ever
needed him. He would lend you money to pay your
rent, visit you in the hospital if you had an accident, or
come to the funeral if a family member died. But he doesn't look down the street when you walk away, try to stare at
you when you're not looking, or secretly dream about having sex
with you. And such feelings on a man's part are essential in the
beginning of a romantic relationship!
If he likes you only as a friend, there is nothing you
can do about becoming his girlfriend. Don't try to
convince him by having a heart-to-heart talk about
your feelings because it will probably put a strain on
your friendship. He will feel awkward or sorry for you,
but he still won't feel a spark. He may try a 'let's sleep
together' once or twice. But it won't mean much to him
and you, if not both of you, will come to regret it.
Worse yet, the two of you may decide to date or even
get married at your initiation. But because he never felt
a spark, your marriage will be more of a friendship and
if you want more than that you will constantly be

155unhappy. You will be doubting your looks and your
sexuality and complain, 'He never notices me.' Your
self-confidence really plummets when you sleep with or
get involved with a man who only really wanted a
friendship. It's a bad road to travel. Don't even try it.
Just do The Rules -- not to get him to like you since
you can't - but for your self-esteem. Do The Rules so
that your whole life isn't about this unavailable friend.
Don't call him. When he calls, get off the phone in ten
minutes. Don't play therapist when he talks about his
girlfriend problems. More important, try to meet other
men. You're better off forcing yourself to go to social
events to meet your possible husband than forcing
yourself on this friend.
But if you think he may be interested in you, you can
casually mention that you're having boyfriend problems,
not seeing your boyfriend anymore or that you're
not dating anyone in particular. See how he reacts. If
he's interested, he'll ask you out, and then start doing The Rules.
Don't talk to him like a friend - like Elaine on Seinfeld -- but be light, feminine and mysterious. Don't
tell him all your problems. Don't start pursuing him
with calls, notes and dinner invitations. Don't think you
can say or do anything you want - call him whenever
you feel like it or suddenly try to increase the time you
spend together - because you were platonic friends.
Concentrate on making your relationship a Rules relationship.
Keep in mind, the dynamics will be a little
different now. For example, if he's from out-of-town

156and used to crashing on your couch when he visits
you, now you should be the first to say, 'It's been
great, but I have a really big day tomorrow,' and end
the evenings first.
Now that you want him, you may be tempted to go
to the other extreme -- call him all the time, talk about
your change of heart, refer to him as your soul mate,
talk about marriage or the future -- and drive him
away. Men don't like to be overwhelmed, even by women they like.
Many women who wake up one day and decide that
their male friend is their soul mate have been known to
come on too strong and overwhelm their friend.
Remember, part of the reason he liked you is that you
didn't really notice him and never pursued him! You've
been a challenge -- not because you were trying to do The Rules -- but because you were truly not interested.
You were naturally indifferent.
Therefore, when you start to date, you must not let
the fact that he always liked you stop you from doing
certain rules. For example, don't see him at the last
minute or all the time. Don't start knitting him sweaters
or talk about marriage or moving in. Okay, you've
decided he's 'The One'. But until he's decided you're
'The One' and courts you and proposes, you have to do The Rules -- or you might ruin a good thing!

157Rule 36


Second Chances --Rules For Getting Back an Ex

If you are someone who read The Rule,) and thought, If
only I had done The Rules on my old boyfriend' or 'So
that's why he wouldn't commit!' then this Rule is for you
You may not have seen him in months or even years,
but now you're convinced he could have been 'The
One'. You didn't know any better and you blew it ...
and now you could kick yourself! If only you had
known The Rules back then!
You want him back. At the very least, you want to
give the relationship a second chance. You want to do The Rules this time and see what happens. You're
wondering if there's any hope. You want to know what
to do next, if anything.
Before you make a move, take a deep breath, calm
down and forgive yourself. Realize that what you're
going through is very common -- regretting the past,
wishing you had behaved differently with a certain
man, thinking he's the one that got away and you'll
never meet anyone better. We've received hundreds of
letters from women that begin with: 'I wish I had had
this book ten years ago when I was dating (fill in the
blank).' These women either just didn't know they

158should behave a certain way with men, or they instinctively
knew they should but didn't have the strength to
do it without specific guidelines and support.
Of course all you care about now that you've read The Rules is, can you get him back?
It depends.
If you initiated the relationship -- spoke to him first,
asked him out -- and he eventually ended it, then it's not
only over, it was never meant to be. Don't call him or
write to him or try to contact him in any way to say you've
changed and want a second chance. He didn't really want
you in the first place. Forget him and move on!
But if he pursued you and you broke rules -- for
example, you were possessive, saw him every night, or
moved in with him and he broke it off because he felt
suffocated -- there may be hope. There's one way to find
out and we call it 'One Call for Closure'.
Call him once when you're sure he's not home, so
you get his answering machine. Calling when he's not
in is crucial; you don't want to make him uncomfortable
if he doesn't want to hear from you or is involved
with someone else or even married. Leaving a message
also allows him to call you if and when he wants to,
which is the best start for any conversation between
you. Your message gives him time to think and the
option of not calling, which you must give him. Of
course, if his answering machine says, 'We're not
home right now' and you hear a -woman's voice
chiming in, do not leave a message. Leave him alone
and go on with your life.

15Assuming he's not involved with someone, we
suggest you leave the following message: Hi, it's (your
name). I just wanted to say hello, to see how you're
doing. You can reach me at (phone number).' That's it!
If you don't hear from him, it's over. Don't call again
to make sure he got the message. He got the message.
His answering machine isn't broken. Don't write to him
or track him down at work, home, his favourite bar or
the gym. That's called stalking. Forget all about him
and move on. You must work on accepting the way he
feels and not dwelling on the past and what might have
been. Don't berate yourself; if you were supposed to
end up with him, you would have. Tell yourself there's
someone else out there for you, try to date others and
keep doing The Rules.
If he does call, don't automatically assume he's rekindling
the romance. He might just be returning your call,
being polite, nothing deep. So try not to get too excited
or show how happy you are to hear from him. Be cool,
cordial. Say, 'Oh hi. How are you?' Don't say, 'I was
hoping you'd call.'
If he asks why you called, just say, 'Oh, I wondered
how you were doing and wanted to say hello.' Keep the
conversation light ... business, holidays and so on.
Don't ask him if he ever thinks about you or misses you,
if he's seeing anyone new. After ten minutes, say, 'Well,
I have to get going. It was nice talking to you.' Don't
stay on the phone for thirty minutes or an hour, waiting
and hoping he will suggest drinks. If he doesn't ask you
out within ten minutes, he's not interested. Remember,

160if he is interested but needs more than ten minutes to
ask out an ex-girlfriend, he can always call you again!
If he does ask you out, say yes if it's for a future date
-- it need not be a Saturday night the first time you meet,
but it should be at least three days in advance. You
want to let him know that your life didn't stop since the
two of you split and that your calendar is full.
Look very, very good when you meet him. Extra
care with your makeup, pretty outfit. Don't dress down
as if it's your 200th date, even if technically, it is. Be
light, casual, upbeat. Needless to say, don't have a
heavy discussion about your relationship or the past,
unless he brings up the subject. Even if he talks about
the way it was, try not to dwell on it. Discuss general
topics such as what you have both been doing professionally,
if he still runs three miles every morning, and
so on. Keep the date on a 'let's catch up' level, as
opposed to a 'what you've been through since the
break-up' level. By the way, you should not tell him
how much or how little you've dated since the breakup.
Be honest, but mysterious.
Don't get terribly serious. Don't tell him that you
now realize all the mistakes you've made since the relationship
with him ended and how much you've changed
and how you want another chance. It's too intense.
Besides, it's easy to tell someone how much you've
changed. The important part is actually being a changed
person when he dates you!
Don't tell him that you've read The Rules and now
realize what you did wrong -- that you were too needy,

161that you shouldn't have got mad when he went out with
the guys, and that you'll never be that -way again.
Simply be light. Try to be the girl he originally fell in
love with.
End the date first.
Don't go back to his house or invite him to yours or
even think of having sex with him that night. Remember,
this is a first date. If anything, you must be extra strict with
this man. He dumped you once, he can hurt you again.
If this is to be a Rules relationship, he must call you
and ask you out for Saturday night from now on.
Seeing you either awakened a desire to date you again
and to renew the relationship, or it didn't. The only way
to find out is if he calls you and asks you out. You
should not ask him if he missed you or if he wants to get
back together. If he is to pursue you, he should not
know exactly how you feel about him. He should think,
'She called me one day. She might be interested, but I'm
not sure. Maybe she was just bored or found an old
photo of us.' Remain mysterious -- if he thinks that
you've decided he's 'The One', he could get scared.
If he calls, you must do Rule 10: How to Acton Dates 1,2,
and 5 and Rule 11: How to Act on Dates 4 through
Commitment Time. Treat him like a new boyfriend -- don't talk about the past or act too chummy. For
example, you should not call his family, even if you met
his parents and sister twenty times when you were
dating. Remember, you've been apart. He has to invite
you to any social events with his family and friends all
over again.

162If you meet him for dinner and he never calls again,
he may not have felt a strong enough spark. Maybe he
thought about it, but never got around to picking up the
phone. Men can be that way. Maybe he's involved with
someone else, but didn't tell you and met you for old
time's sake.
We know of several women who contacted old
boyfriends for various reasons -- to make amends for
the past, to discuss a business problem, or to try to start
over. In each case, these men met them for drinks, said
they had a great time and hoped they could stay good
friends, and then never called again.
We can only say that if this happens to you, you must
try to accept that it's over for him and move on.
Now what if this man happens to be your ex
husband and you've decided you want him back?
Again, it depends. If he initiated the divorce, you can
make 'One Call for Closure' and then follow the plan
(outlined earlier) for getting back an ex-boyfriend. But
don't start making room in your wardrobe. When a man
initiates a divorce, he's usually gone! It's over and out.
However, if you initiated the divorce but are now
sorry and miss him, there is hope, especially if you are
still in contact with your ex and sense that he would be
open to a reconciliation -- maybe you have kids together
and he lingers a while when he comes by on weekends
to pick them up or just seems to find reasons to call you,
to be friends, to be in your life. But you're wondering,
how do you go about telling him you want him back
without making a fool of yourself or risking rejection?

163We suggest you simply weave the following question
into a friendly conversation the next time you see him
or he calls: 'Have you ever had second thoughts about
our divorce?' That's it. Don't say another word. Don't get
sentimental and weepy and pour your heart out. He
must take it from there, give you some indication that
he would also like a reconciliation, whether it be then or
at some point in the future when he's had a chance to
sort it out. Whatever you do, don't rush him. Let him
proceed at his own pace. He may suggest having dinner
or drinks to talk things over, but these must be his overtures.
You've done your part. Now it's up to him.
We've outlined our suggestions for getting back an
ex. But don't be too upset if your old boyfriend or ex
husband just won't come back. Remember, there was a
reason the relationship didn't work out before, so don't
romanticize it. Also, comfort yourself with the knowledge
that it's usually easier to do The Rules on a new man
than an ex.
Sometimes trying to rekindle an old flame works,
but frequently the best advice we can give a woman who thinks she's still in love with her ex is Next.

164Rule 37


Don't Date a Married Man

Dating married (or unavailable) men is not only an
obvious waste of time, but also it's dishonest and stupid.
So why do so many women do it? Some feel it's better
than dating no one, some find the very wrongness and
danger of it (the secret hotel rendezvous) fun and
exciting and some hang on to the hope that one day the
men will leave their wives for them.
All these women suffer from low self-esteem or why
would they settle for so little? We are not big advocates
of therapy, but we believe it would be worth fifty
pounds per hour to find out why you would do this to
yourself.
When you date a married man, you basically spend
your life waiting for him to get separated. The deadline
keeps changing from September to Christmas, then
Easter, then May Day. You wait and you sit by the
phone on the off chance that his wife took the kids to
her parents' house and he can spend an hour or two
with you. And you cry when he can't see you on
Valentine's Day or on his wedding anniversary or his
wife's birthday. You are always second. In the beginning,
affairs are full of promise and great sex. By the

165end, you are always crying on the shoulders of girlfriends
and wishing his wife would die.
You will not get much sympathy from us. Dating
married men is dishonest and totally contrary to The Rules. We do not take what is not ours. We don't date
married men because then we get a reputation for it
and no one will trust us around their boyfriends or
husbands.
If you have recently met a married man that you are
mad about, then you must practise self-restraint. If he
is everything you ever wanted in a husband, be friends
with him and hope he gets divorced. Until then, you
must say to yourself that a single man like him exists
somewhere out there for you. Then you must get busy,
go to a singles dance, answer a personal ad or put one in
a magazine, ask your friends to fix you up with
someone. Take action. Join a gym, a church or synagogue,
or do volunteer work at a hospital. Never sit
around dreaming about him or you might end up acting
on your thoughts.
Dating a married man is easy because you can fantasize
about his future availability. But, at the risk of
sounding preachy, it bears repeating that you won't be
at peace if you date a married man. Even if he leaves his
wife, how do you know he'll actually marry you?
You're a Rules girl! Your life is never on the edge
because of a man. Either a man is available and in love
with you or he's taken and you have nothing to do with
him romantically. You are not desperately waiting in
the wings for his situation to change. You are not

166someone who waits and hopes while he takes his wife
and kids to Disney World. You have a life of your own.
Lest you think we are being naive, we know that
extramarital affairs happen all the time and that married
men do at times divorce their wives and marry the girl
they've been seeing on the side. We know one such
woman who waited five years for a man to break up
with his wife. They are now very happily married. She
was very lucky. Are you willing to take that chance?

167Rule 38

Don't Be a Rebound Girl and Other Rules for Dating a Man Who is Separated

As we explained in Rule 37, Rules girls don't date
married men. It's not honest, he's not yours and you
could waste a lot of time waiting for him to leave his
wife, if he ever does.
Many women, however, have called us to say they are
dating a married man. To these women, all we can suggest
is that they find the courage -- pray for it, do whatever it
takes -- to stop seeing him. Dating a married man is like
driving down a dead-end street -- it gets you nowhere.
Better to date him when he's divorced and available. So
don't call him, don't write him letters, don't initiate
encounters and don't meet him at a moment's notice.
Be sure the man you are dating is at the very least
separated from his wife. But don't assume he is. How
can you tell? If he doesn't give you his home number,
tells you the best way to get in touch with him is by his
beeper or gives you a phone number but he's never
there when you call, doesn't introduce you to family or
friends, and acts on the secretive side, then you must
wonder! Something is off. Be on the alert. He might be
trying to juggle two lives. You'll find out soon enough if
you do The Rules and pay attention.

168So now, hopefully, you are dating a man who is really separated. That can be messy enough! There's his ex
wife, money issues, lawyers and sometimes complicated
custody battles. It might feel like walking into the
middle of a movie. Are you willing to deal with all these
issues and a possibly lengthy courtship?
If you are, here are some rules:
In addition to following all the rules for dating a
single man, you must pay attention to what he says about
why his marriage didn't work out and how it might
affect his chances of marrying and staying married to
you. If he doesn't talk about the break-up, try to find
out (without being too obvious) whether it was his idea
or hers to get a divorce.
This information is important. If the divorce was
his idea, it probably means he isn't hung up on his ex -- a good sign. On the other hand, it also shows that he is
capable of leaving a woman and that he could walk
out on you one day. If you have been able to surmise
that it wasn't a Rule's marriage -- in other words, she
pursued him - and your relationship is, you have
nothing to worry about. He just wanted out of a bad
marriage.
But if you think he just picked up and left one day for
no good reason, keep your eye on him. He could be bad
news. Fortunately, The Rules will help you screen out
any disturbing behaviour and inconsistencies -- skipping
a Saturday night date here and there, a few
no-shows, forgetting your birthday -- long before you
walk down the aisle.

169If it was his wife's idea to end the marriage, realize
that he may still have feelings for her and there's a
chance they could get back together. This is particularly
true if he is newly separated -- say, under six months. He may be dating you merely as a distraction as
a way of helping himself get over his ex. If he talks
about her all the time when he's -with you, then he's not
crazily in love with you. Remember, you want to be his Rules girl, not his rebound girl!
So be on the lookout for signs that he finds excuses
to contact her, still fights with her a lot and gets very
emotional about the separation. That's not how he
should behave when he's over her and in love with you!
When a man is not interested in staying with an ex, he
has little to do with her and does not try to prolong the
divorce for any reason. He just "wants it over.
Whatever the case is, don't play therapist to his
marital problems. If he always wants to talk about the
break-up, listen politely for a little while here and there,
but don't give him advice and don't help him put down
his ex-wife if he has a habit of doing so. He can put
down his ex-wife, but you shouldn't. Don't show jealousy
or seem too interested if he is in contact with her.
The less you appear to care, the better.
Don't resolve to be the 'nicer second wife' if and
-when he marries you. For example, if he complains that
his ex-wife was too busy with her career and not there
enough for him, you might think you shouldn't do The Rules, that you can't end dates first because he's so
needy and you should put him before your career. You

170might decide to see him constantly, cook meals on the
weekends for him to have during the week -- literally, take care of him. This is a big mistake. We know women
who played therapist/nurse, became the woman who
understands, spent years on a man, only to see him
remarry someone just like his ex! Whatever he may say
about his ex-wife, remember, he married her. On some
level, he likes that type. You can't always go by what a
man says -- it's what he does that counts. Just do The
Rules and be true to yourself.
Remember, when you are dating a man who is separated,
it is easy to get caught up in his problems, his
schedule, his timetable, his needs. For example, he
might say that he doesn't want to remarry 'for a while'
until things settle down or that he wants to wait until
his children can handle all the changes, not to mention a
stepmum.
Be understanding, but not too understanding. Rules girls don't wait forever. If he is serious about marrying
you, there is no reason why he shouldn't be divorced
within a year after meeting you or as soon as possible.
You should be engaged within six months after his
divorce comes through. You should have a wedding
date set soon after you are engaged.
Keep in mind that these are general guidelines -- don't be difficult or inflexible if there are children
involved or extenuating circumstances. You should
only be concerned if he avoids the whole subject of
marriage or wants you to live with him first. In either
case, you might have to re-evaluate or stop seeing him

171for a while. Rules girls don't wait indefinitely for men to
sort out their lives. Don't spoil him by waiting. If he
needs more than two years to remarry, he may not be your Mr Right.
The fact that he has children should not change this
time structure too much, but it does mean that you need
to be especially considerate of his relationship with his
kids. Sometimes you really must take a backseat, sometimes
you have to exhibit the patience of a saint.
Don't ask to meet his children. He must include
you in that part of his life "when he's ready and wants to.
You never want to be in a situation -where his kids
resent you or blame you for his marital problems or feel
that you are taking their father away from them. He
should deal with their anger. He should explain to them
that he loves you and that his marriage failed on its
own, that it had nothing to do with you. You shouldn't
get involved.
Don't get jealous if at times he puts his children
before you - i.e., he can't have Sunday brunch with you
because he must see his son play soccer. His desire to be
a good father, his loyalty to his children are qualities to
be proud of and admire -- not to be resentful of. Bite
your tongue, stay busy. Don't make him feel that he has
to choose between you and his children. If you plan to
be their stepmum one day, then you must also think of
their needs, in addition to your own.
Although we are asking you to be considerate about
his relationship with his kids -- and divorce can be traumatic
for any child -- we are not telling you to be a

172doormat. We know men who ask their girlfriends to be
baby-sitters or take their daughter ice-skating, but they
never propose. You are not a baby-sitter or the girlfriend
who is there for him, who waits and "waits forever.
Dating a man who is separated can be difficult. But
by doing The Rules, you don't put your life on hold
indefinitely. You don't make excuses to yourself
about why he won't remarry or why he needs years to
heal from his divorce. When you do The Rules, a man
who is separated recovers pretty quickly and happily
marries you!

173Rule 39


Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and
Other Rules for Women with Children

If you are a divorced or single woman with children,
you should follow all The Rules. In addition, be especially
careful when dating not to go on about all the
pain from your first marriage or talk too much about
your children.
When you meet a man at a dance or social situation,
it isn't really necessary to mention your children at all.
Let him take your phone number, then wait until he
calls for you to gently weave it into the conversation.
Don't say in a serious tone, I need to tell you something.
' Remember in Rule 24: Don't Open Up Too fast, we
advise you to tell him about yourself very informally.
Just casually say, 'Oh, that's my son playing the piano'
or something like that.
If and when he does ask you out for Saturday night,
don't say, 'Nine on Saturday is great, but I'll have to call
the baby-sitter.' Don't fill him in on the details of
bringing up children or how your ex-husband was
supposed to baby-sit and is just so unreliable! It isn't
necessary for a man to know you haven't had your
alimony payments for the last three months and Tommy
really needs new trainers. Simply say, 'Saturday at nine

174is great.' At this point he is interested in you, not your
family or your problems.
Please do not take this advice the wrong way. We
are not telling you to be ashamed of your past or your
children. Just wait a while before involving him. On
your first few dates, it would be wise to meet your date
in a restaurant so you don't have to introduce him to
your children. This is as much for your date's sake as
your child's. Your child should not have to meet every
Tom, Dick and Harry you date, only the serious
contenders. Let the man be the one to bring up meeting
your children. Make him curious about seeing them.
Meeting your children should be an honour, not a
routine occurrence. Just like the way you hold back on
other things in the beginning of your relationship, this
too should take time. Make him work (again? yes) for
the privilege of meeting your loved ones.
On the other hand, don't use motherhood as an
excuse not to get out there and mingle. Having children
often means being in situations with married people
and you might feel like a fifth wheel among all the
couples you meet at PTA meetings. But remember that
there are plenty of single fathers out there who want to
remarry. So go to PTA meetings -with a smile on your
face and wearing a nice outfit. Socialize wherever you
go with your child. You never know.

175Rule 40


Starting Over --
Rules for the Mature Woman

If you are an older woman, The Rules may come as no
surprise to you. You probably agree with our ideas
more than your twenty-five or thirty-five year old
daughters. After all, when you were dating thirty or
forty years ago -- before the full advent of feminism, Dutch treat and the sexual revolution -- The Rules was
the accepted way to date. It was the only way. Back
then, you didn't call men, ask them out, sleep with them
on the first date or live together before marriage. You
didn't think twice about it either, it just wasn't done!
But that doesn't mean you did The Rules in their
entirety, and it doesn't mean you don't have things to
learn, especially if your first marriage was a disaster.
Your mother may have told you not to chase men,
but did she tell you to pursue a career and/or interests,
to develop boundaries and self-esteem, and not to make
a man the centre of your life or accept his bad behaviour?
Did she tell you to marry for love (not just to get
out of the house or to be taken care of financially)? If
she didn't, you need The Rules.
We have heard from older women who said that
their first marriages ended in divorce - not necessarily



176because they pursued their husbands, but for other
reasons that simply would not have occurred if they
had done The Rules.
For example, they married a good friend -- someone
whom they felt affection for, but not passion -- and their
marriage and sex life reflected it. They married for
financial security and were miserable emotionally.
They married because of social pressures to do so -- they didn't want to be spinsters. They did not recognize
the signs, or they chose to ignore them. They thought,
'My love will change him,' and married an alcoholic, a
gambler or a womaniser and lived to regret it. Love was
not enough. They didn't create an interesting life of
their own and became completely dependent on their
husbands, which drove them away.
These women did not necessarily chase these men,
but they did not do The Rules either. The Rules are not
just about getting married, but about marrying Mr
Right and having a fulfilling life of your own.
So if you find yourself in the dating market again
because you are divorced or a widow, use what your
mother taught you - don't chase men -- but also do The
Rules - create a life of your own and only date and
marry men you truly care for who treat you well. Don't
marry believing you will change him. If he is a little
abusive or puts you down in any -way before marriage -- it will only get worse.
If you are from the old school, not calling a man or
sleeping with him on the first date is probably easy for
you. So you must work on other changes that could

177prevent you from catching Mr Right.
For example, have you stopped caring about your
appearance -- gained weight, stopped wearing makeup,
cut down on salon visits?
If you're divorced, are you bitter about men because
of your failed marriage? Or too eager and available
(not challenging and mysterious) when men do show
interest?
If you're a widow, do you feel hopeless about finding
a love as great as your first husband? Have you stopped
socializing? Or when you do go out occasionally, are
you unenthusiastic?
If some or all of the above is the case, here are some
rules for you to work on:

Don't let yourself go: Remember, you are a creature
unlike any other. This rule applies to older women as
much as twenty-five year olds. It has nothing to do with
age. It's mental. Think you're beautiful and worthwhile
... and you will be! Think positive. Keep your mind
occupied with interesting ideas, activities, people and
reading material and you will be interesting. You'll
have something to talk about on dates other than you
doctors' visits and grandchildren.
Whatever you do, don't neglect your appearance. There is no reason you shouldn't do everything you can
to look attractive. Don't console yourself with excess
food or alcohol or painkillers. Eat right, exercise daily
and "wear pretty clothes. Read books by Helen Gurley
Brown (The Late Show) and Joan Rivers Bouncing Back)

178that focus on being positive and exercising to fight off
ageing. Try to emulate them or anyone else you know
who is your age and in good shape. Be old-fashioned
about dating, but youthful about your attitude and looks.

Socialize: You must. If you are recently divorced or
widowed, your feelings probably range from lonely and
lost to bitter and confused, especially if your husband
died or left you for a younger woman. You might be
suffering from grief, fear and panic. Perhaps you
haven't dated in thirty years and don't know where
to begin. Of course, you must allow yourself time to
grieve - grieving is natural and healthy -- but don't let it
go on too long.
If you want to remarry or at least have a loving
companion, you must make every effort to meet men.
Instead of believing that your life is over and all you
have to look forward to is grandchildren, tell yourself
that there are plenty of divorced men and widowers out
there, and go where you can meet them.
We understand that this is not always easy or
pleasant. You would much rather stay at home and
watch TV, call your children, knit, cook or read a book,
but don't become a recluse, or spend every free evening
going to the movies and dinner with other women.
Don't bury yourself in canasta, card games or mahjong
with your single friends. These are all pleasant ways to
pass time and you should do them sometimes, but they
are no way to meet men!


179Motivate yourself to take social actions by thinking
of spending your old age with a loving man, not only as
a companion to your married couple friends and your
children. Think of how a romance will brighten up your
life, and the benefits of spending nights, weekends and
holidays with a man.
Where to meet men? Try everything. Go to
museums, church/synagogue, holidays/cruises for your
age group, or get involved in a charity or a sport such as
golf where men are sure to be found. You must force
yourself!
Be on the lookout for men who are newly single.
Keep in mind that men -who have been married for most
of their adult lives are often lost and searching for
someone to fill that void. Show up wherever they may
be found but remember, they must approach you!
If you can't find a woman to go to social events with,
go alone. In fact, you might be better off alone! Older
men who are themselves not so confident socially may
feel uncomfortable invading a group of women. So if
you do attend a party or lecture with a group, at least
stand a little apart from the other women you came
with so you look approachable. Take care to appear
relaxed no matter how you really feel. For example,
don't clutch your handbag tightly against your chest as
if you are trying to ward off a mugger.

Be happy and carefree on dates: You probably have
had your share of life's difficulties and maybe even
some physical ailments. Possibly you're worried

180because your daughter is getting divorced, your back
bothers you, your husband died and left you with big
bills, you have high blood pressure or had a brush with
cancer. You may have plenty to complain about, but try
to complain to your women friends, not to a man you
are dating. Be cheerful and light. Don't let him think
that you are desperate to remarry, concerned about
money or feel lost without a man. It's not good to seem
desperate.
Once you start dating someone you like, almost all The Rules apply:
Don't call him -- of course, you already knew that! --
but you can return his calls. While older men enjoy the
chase, it's a different kind of hunt. It's no longer a
bungee jump! They're not looking for that kind of a
thrill. They're not trying to have children with you.
They're older, they're tired, they've been through many
things, so you can call them back ... the next day. (Try
to use the twenty-four-hour rule; wait twenty-four
hours before returning the call.)
Don't accept a last-minute date and don't see him
unless it's for the weekend. If he's always asking you
out for tea on Tuesday, he doesn't think you're that
special or he has a girlfriend. Let him pick you up and
take you to dinner.
Don't mention your children or grandchildren and
show pictures of them or ask him to meet them unless
he suggests it, and don't ask about his children or
ex-wife unless he brings them up. Don't volunteer
information about your ex-husband. If he asks about

181your divorce, just say the relationship didn't work
out. If you are a widow, don't get too emotional or
show how much you are suffering. This will be hard,
but you must!
Keep it casual in the beginning and end the date first.
Wait until you are in a committed relationship - he is
calling you regularly and asking you out for Saturday
nights for several months -- to become very involved or
go away with him.
Don't buy him expensive gifts or pamper him, even if
you are a wealthy woman and can afford to do so. Also,
if you have more money than he does and he wants to
marry you, don't be shy about asking him to sign a
prenuptial agreement. (Of course, if he asks you to sign
a prenup, go ahead. You are not marrying for money.)
Older women might not necessarily want to
remarry. The reasons are usually children and money.
But if you do want to get married and he doesn't, then
you must pull back a little -- stop seeing him for a few
weeks, go on a separate holiday, give him an ultimatum,
whatever shakes him up a little -- and see how he
responds.
If getting remarried is not that important to you -- if
it's love and companionship you want, not a wedding
and lifestyle you crave -- then it's fine to live with him or
go steady forever! You can act married -- go away on
holidays together and split the expenses. You can even
spend a whole winter with him in your condo in Florida.
So long as he is calling you, making you feel special weekend
dinners and flowers on holidays -- and is civil

182to your children, you don't have to walk down the aisle
again. For you, the second time around is about having
someone you love who loves you to spend your golden
years with.

183Rule 41


Practise, Practise, Practise!
(or, Getting Good at The Rules

How does one get good at The Rules. Unfortunately, the
same way one gets good at playing the piano or tennis
or anything else. Practice, practice and more practice!
Once you're truly convinced you need The Rules, you
should read this book over and over again until you've
practically memorized it, then practise the principles as
much as possible. Don't expect to get them right the
first time or every time. We didn't. We broke rules, got
hurt and then eventually got serious and did The Rules as they are 'written.
Don't be discouraged. Just keep practising! Try The Rules on all men at all times. Don't even say hello first to
your doorman or the butcher at the deli. Let them say
hello to you first and then just smile. Don't ignore them
or anyone else, just practise responding rather than
starting any conversation. Then later, when a man says
to you, 'I bet you were a real heartbreaker at school,'
you will instinctively smile and say nothing. If,
however, you are so used to blabbering all the time,
then you might start explaining that you were thirty
pounds heavier in school, never had a boyfriend and
hardly ever went out. If he is planning to marry you,

184you will eventually tell him all about your unpopular
days and by that time it won't really matter. We find
that most women regret spilling their innermost feelings
and thoughts on the first few dates. There will be
less to regret if you learn to be quiet and mysterious
more often. Reread Rules 24 and 25.
When the urge to call him comes, call a friend, your
mother, the weather channel, walk the dog, write a
letter, answer a personal ad, anything, until the urge
passes, and it will. Call a friend who recently broke The Rules to remember how painful it is to chase a man. If
you must call a man, better that you call a friendly ex boyfriend
than the current man of your dreams. The
old relationship is over and there's not much to lose,
but your new flame may lose interest in you if you
pursue him.
The good news, girls, is that the more you practise The Rules, the easier it gets. If it's painful, remember,
none of us do them perfectly. But try to do the best you
can. Ending a phone conversation after ten minutes
seemed cruel and impossible for us in the beginning,
but the more we used a timer and did it anyway, the
more natural it became to say, 'It's been nice talking to
you, but I really have to run.'
It's not necessary to have a high IQ to do The Rules,
just a certain degree of determination. In fact, highly
educated girls have the hardest time with The Rules.
They tend to think all this is beneath them. They'll say,
I went to university. I'm not playing these games' or
I'm in management. I believe in being up front with

185men about my needs, my opinions and who I really am.
I refuse to be demure and smile when I don't feel like it.'
If you think you're too smart for The Rules, ask yourself,
'Am I married?' If not, why not? Could it be that
what you're doing isn't working? Think about it.
But even if you're not desperate to get married right
away, you never know when you'll change your mind.
We've all met women who are certain in their twenties
that they don't -want two kids and a house in the
suburbs. They tell us that their career, friends and
assorted romantic relationships are fine with them. So
they don't bother to play hard to get when they meet
men. They treat men like women -- as friends. Then one
day they meet a handsome man with gorgeous eyes.
Suddenly they not only want him but want to have his
children. These women either don't know about The Rules or have never practised them. This is why you
should always do The Rules. You never know when
you'll want to get married.
Another reason to do The Rules is so that people -- men, women, bosses, parents -- treat us well. When we
don't do The Rules, we inevitably get hurt. When we do The Rules, we find out who really loves us. The answer
might be painful, but better to weed out the uninterested
parties than to carry on unsatisfying relationships. For
example, you ask a man out and he says no, or he says
yes to be polite and never calls again. You're hurt. But
had you not initiated the date, he would never have hurt
you. You have no one to blame but yourself! Or let's say
your neighbour only comes by to borrow milk or when



186he's bored. You wish he would invite you to dinner. He
doesn't. So you suggest dinner. He makes excuses.
You're hurt. Again, situations of our own making! If
someone is not asking you out, then they don't want to
be with you. Go about your business and trust you will
meet other people who genuinely like you and want to
be with you. You might feel lonely and hurt for a while,
but better that than being rejected.
The Rules can be used in many life situations and
applied to other people (see also Rule 55). For example,
if you love your sister too much, but she doesn't act
particularly warm or nurturing toward you, don't call
her every day. Just return her calls. Stop trying to
'work things out' or go over childhood feelings. Just get
a life so that your relationship with her is not the main
thing on your mind. Be busy and when she finally calls
you, be friendly. No one likes talking to someone who is
angry or depressed.
You may be thinking, 'But without so-and-so, I
wouldn't have a friend to go to singles dinners with or a
summer house to visit.' We know how you feel, but
maybe you're supposed to go to dinners by yourself or
you're supposed to let go of so-and-so to make room for
better friends. Just do The Rules. Don't think about the
short-term result. Trust that you will find other ways to
fill the emptiness. Maybe you'll take up running and
meet someone on the track. Looking back, whenever we
did The Rules and lost a relationship, we got a better one.
You see, whenever you love someone more than that
person loves you, you are in a position to get hurt. The


187Rules way of thinking and acting protects you from
unnecessary pain. It's a law of the universe that the
more you try to get the love and attention of someone
who doesn't naturally want you, the more frustrated
and unhappy you will be. When we do The Rules, we
give up the struggle. We accept that some people don't
want us and we go on to the next. We don't force people
to love us.
We had to change our definition of gratifying relationships.
A gratifying relationship is long lasting and
mutual, not short-term and hurtful!
When we do The Rules in life, whether or not we want
to get married, we create boundaries with people. Some
of us get so overly friendly with our secretary, babysitter,
or cleaning lady that they take advantage of us
and don't do their jobs. We should be friendly but
always remain the boss. We say yes to last-minute dates
or let men get off the phone first, and then we wonder
why we feel so empty. At "work, we try too hard to make
our co-workers like us, but they sense our motives and
find us annoying.
If you think of The Rules as a manual for life rather
than simply as rules for getting married, you might do
them more often. Then, when you meet the man of your
dreams, you'll have had plenty of Rules practice.


188Rule 42


Buyer Beware
(Weeding Out Mr Wrong)!

The Rules are not about marrying the first man you are
attracted to who calls you by Wednesday for Saturday
night and buys you flowers. It's about marrying your
own personal Mr Right -- a man whom you love and
whose character you admire and can live with.
Love may be blind, but Rules girls are not stupid! In
addition to doing The Rules, you should be observing his
behaviour in various situations to decide if he's right for
you. You may want to keep notes in a diary to keep
track of what he says and how he acts in his relationship
with you. For example, is he a man of his word or does
he promise and not deliver? Does he speak badly about
people or tell horrible stories about ex-girlfriends? Is
he cheap on dates ? Is he critical of you ? Does he drink
or smoke too much? Is he rude to waiters? If either of
you has been married before, how does he treat his children
or your children?
It's easy to ignore certain behaviour, but if it's
written down in black and white, you will see a pattern
emerge and not be able to lie to yourself or sweep it
under the rug.
Don't marry thinking you will change this kind of



189behaviour -- people don't usually change that much. We
believe that anything you don't like about the man you
marry was there when you were dating him --you just
didn't really think about it seriously or told yourself you
didn't mind.
A woman we know who followed The Rules called
us one day to say Air Right had proposed. We were
thrilled, but we quickly got suspicious when she told
us that six months had passed and he still hadn't
committed to a wedding date. She, too, felt something
was wrong, but she really wanted to marry this man.
We advised her to try to pin him down to a date.
When she did, he admitted that he was back with his
ex-girlfriend.
If something doesn't feel right to you about a man, it
probably isn't! If you don't want to be miserable and
full of regrets later on, you have to pay attention now. Rules girls don't sleep at the wheel!
No, Rules girls take a very active role in choosing Mr
Right. At first glance, The Rules may seem like passive
dating - let him call you, let him ask you out, let him
pick you up, let him do all the work. In terms of the
chase, that's certainly true. But we are also telling
women to actively evaluate a man's character and
behaviour. Did he call when he said he'd call? Did he remember your birthday?

A Rules girl is always carefully observing his behaviour
and taking notes. This active, not passive, dating.
When we told you to 'be quiet and mysterious, act

190ladylike, cross your legs and smile and don't talk so
much' on the first few dates, we did not mean that you
shouldn't think! We told you this for two reasons:
(a)	so you don't tell him your whole life story too soon and live to regret it, and equally important,
(b)	so you listen. The less you talk, the more you can hear and pick up clues if he's right for you.
Sometimes a woman is so anxious to get married to a
man she is attracted to -- a man who is chasing her
thanks to The Rules) -- that she blocks out traits she
doesn't like about him. She hopes that love and
marriage will change him in time. We say, maybe,
maybe not. It's true that former playboy types lose
interest in the club scene when they meet a Rules girl
and become fond of changing diapers when they have a
child. But we also say, 'what you see is what you get, so
don't count on a man changing.
Let's look at some specific dilemmas you might be
facing:

Dilemma #1: You're amazed -- and impressed -- by his
sophistication with alcohol. He puts away countless gin
and tonics without a problem, and you're charmed by
the way he orders the best bottle of wine at romantic
restaurants! But after reading this Rule, you remember
that most of the time you had mineral water and he gladly drank the whole bottle.
Buyer beware: Love won't change and addiction and
heavy drinking isn't charming when you have kids to
support and he's throwing money away at bars, or you


191are the designated driver after every party. If you think
he drinks too much, don't marry him unless he agrees to
seek help and has stopped drinking for at least a year.
It's good for him and it's good for you.

Dilemma #2: You think you've found Mr Right, except
that he'd rather read the newspaper or work on the
computer than have sex with you most week nights and
even Sunday mornings. Now that you're reading this
chapter, you remember that he was always a little too
intellectual for your taste. You wished he were more
passionate, not so cerebral.
Buyer beware: This will be a problem in your marriage if
sex and passion are important to you.

Dilemma #3: He's very good looking, personable, and a
ton of fun, but not as deep as you would like him to be.
You are a serious reader --you tend to be analytical and
you are into yoga and meditation. He likes action sports
such as tennis and basketball. You want to have soulful
discussions; he's more pragmatic.
Buyer beware: This will be a problem if you like to have
philosophical conversations with your mate. Just know
that he may ask you to have breakfast with him or play
tennis when you're in the middle of yoga or meditation.

Dilemma #4: He's into a whirlwind courtship. He calls
you day and night and proposes after a month or two.
You think he's a little impulsive, but you're also thrilled! Buyer beware: If you allow yourself to get caught up in a

192whirlwind romance and move at his speed, you may
live to regret it. You need to pace the relationship -- to
wait and allow yourself time to observe his behaviour in
many different situations -- before you make such a
serious commitment. Otherwise, you may find out after you're married that he's a womaniser, gambler,
emotionally immature, in deep financial debt or has a
criminal past. By then it might be too late.

Dilemma #5: He's exciting and debonair, but he has a
dark side. You've heard him scream at his family, his
friends and even business associates. buyer beware: He may yell or be violent toward you or
your children.

Dilemma #6: He loves you, but is often annoyed by close
girlfriends, your family and any man who pays too
much attention to you. He gets angry if you don't tell
him everything or include him in everything. Buyer beware: While it's flattering to be the centre of a
man's attention, as opposed to being ignored, know that
you might have fights about his level of involvement in
your day-to-day activities.

Sometimes a problem is not his character, but circumstances,
such as:

Dilemma #7: You love him, but he's much older than
you, divorced and a devoted father to two teenagers.
You never cared for children, much less stepchildren.



193Buyer beware: You may resent his children and the time
they take away from your relationship. You might also
resent the amount of money he is paying to his ex-wife
to support them.

Sometimes the problem is not him at all, but you. Your
motives are not so good, such as:

Dilemma #8: You love him but, truth be told, you
wouldn't be marrying him if he wasn't also rich. Buyer beware: What are you going to do if his business
sours and he no longer can buy you diamonds and fur
coats? What if you actually have to go back to work?

In the above scenarios, we are not saying 'don't marry
him'. We are simply saying go into the marriage with
your eyes open. Be honest with yourself! Check your
motives! Rules girls don't get married at any cost!
If you don't want to have problems later on, think
twice about marrying for money or power, unless you
can live with the downside. Think twice about marrying
to get even with your ex-husband who left you for a
younger woman or to escape a bad home life. Think
twice about marrying anyone simply to have children.
And don't be lax about discussing major issues such as
religion or whether to have children before you get married.
While making sure you are marrying Air Right is not
always so easy, by doing The Rules you at least weed out
Mr Wrong.
For example, any man who is interested in you just

194for sex, money, or convenience automatically loses
interest because you are not sleeping with him right
away, you are not supporting him, and you are not
meeting him when and where it's convenient for him.
A man has to really care about you to call you early in
the week (every week), make plans, pick you up and
wait until you're ready to have sex! Mr Wrongs simply
won't put up with the rigors of The Rules -- they move on
to women without such standards.
So while you're doing The Rules, you should also be
observing, writing and thinking, Is he the right one for me? Take an active role -your long-term happiness is definitely
worth the work.

195Rule 43


Closing The Deal
(Getting Him to the Altar)



We're not talking about a business deal here, but
getting the man you want to propose and then to turn
that proposal into an actual wedding date -- a feat some
women would say can be tougher than any corporate
transaction. Of course, it's made much easier by doing The Rules.
If you've been following The Rule.) from the moment
you met Mr Right and he says he loves you, he will propose -- sometimes in a matter of a few months, but
usually within fifteen months. (He may have his own
'rules' about dating you for four seasons before
proposing, and there's nothing wrong with that.)
By doing The Rules you will not only get a proposal,
but you will know where the relationship is going long
before he pops the question. You will sense a warm,
open feeling emanating from him, a desire to include
you in his world. Here are some of the key words and
phrases he is likely to bring up in conversations with
you:

1. The future -- whether it be where he wants to live,
his career goals or the car he is planning to buy.

1962.	Marriage (the M-word) -- for example, he'll volunteer that he's going to be the best man when his
friend gets married.
3.	Kids -- he might mention his nephew's upcoming birthday.
4.	Married friends -- he might discuss his married friends or suggest doubling with them.
5.	His family -- he'll talk about his parents and ask you about yours or invite you to a family gathering for
the holidays.

He'll also include you in the most minute details of his
day - i.e., he'll tell you that he got a haircut or he
washed the car. He's always bringing you closer to him.
Because you let him pursue you, didn't see him more
than two or three times a week, refused to go away with
him on week-long holidays, have not moved in or
crowded him in any way, you've actually helped him to
fall in love 'with you and want to marry you. He wants
more of you, not less.
Within a year, if not sooner, he's figured out that he
not only wanted to marry you but hew to marry you to see
you more often, to really have you.
Your problem is not if he's going to marry you, but
when. Men can date for five years! They are notorious
for wanting to put off the actual engagement part until
later. If he suggests living together first to see if you
get along or to see you more often, tell him you're
old-fashioned and want to wait until you're engaged
or married.

197A man can love you, but marriage ... that's a little
scary. Maybe he's just trying to hold on to his bachelorhood,
maybe he's been married before and isn't in any
rush to do it again, or maybe he's young (under twenty
five years old).
In general, the way to get a man to ask you to marry
him in a reasonable amount of time is not to live with
him before you're engaged or married and to continue
to see him only three times a week, even though by this
time you want to be inseparable.
If that doesn't work, you might have to shake things
up a little bit -- go away for a weekend with a girlfriend,
cancel a Saturday night date, get very busy at work,
mention that you are renewing your flat lease, and be
mysterious about your activities. All of the above should
make him anxious to propose. As you already know, a
man who is wary of commitment is made less wary by a
woman moving away from, not toward, commitment.
This isn't trickery. You're just giving him space.
On the other hand, if you have not done The Rules all
along, getting a man to propose can be very difficult.
If you have been dating a man for two, three or even
five years and he has not proposed, you might be
thinking that if you hang around long enough, he will
eventually ask. You have probably accepted his excuses
-- financial problems, married before, not ready and so
on -- as to why he can't marry you just yet. But now that
you've read The Rules, you know that a Rules girl doesn't
date a man forever and the way to get him to propose (if
he's going to propose at all) is not to hang around.

198Let's say you've been dating him for more than a
year and he's somehow avoided the whole issue of
marriage and the future, what should you do?
Ask him his intentions. If he says he has no plans to
marry you, say 'Okay' and then never see him again.
Men don't lie about things like this. He's not scared of
commitment -- he doesn't want to marry you.
If he says he does plan to marry you some day, then
it's up to you to close the deal. Ask him when and if it's
more than a year, see less of him and think about dating
others. You've already spent more than a year waiting
for him to propose, do you have another year to wait?
If you are already living together (because you
found out about The Rules after you moved in) and he
says he doesn't want to get engaged, make plans to
move out. But don't say, 'I'm moving out because you
won't commit.' That would be too obvious. Just say
you need more space and that you heard about a great
flat or your friend is renting hers. When a man doesn't
want to commit, we leave him alone. If he doesn't try to
stop you or get you back with a proposal, don't waste
your time. If he asks what's going on, nonchalantly
answer, 'I don't know if this relationship is for me.' If he
can live without you, you don't want him. You move on.
Here are five things not to do, no matter how tempting:

1. Don't tell him you're hurt, mad or reprimand him
for wasting your time or leading you on. You lived
with him -- no one twisted your arm. Take responsibility
for your actions. By not doing The Rules, you

199allowed him to be with you indefinitely. In a Rules relationship a man either proposes within a year two
years at the max! -- or it's next]
2.	Don't suggest going to couples therapy to discuss why he can't commit. Men can and do commit when
they love you and you do The Rules on them. But
they can become 'commitment phobic' when a
woman has pursued them, is too available or
they're just not in love with her. They say things
like, 'I find marriage a difficult concept to swallow,'
or they conveniently cite the high divorce rate.
3.	Don't let a man brainwash you into thinking that marriage isn't important -- 'just a piece of paper' --
and that as long as you're together that's all that
matters. If he doesn't want to marry you then he's
not that in love with you or it's not the brand of love
you want. What it really means is he still wants the
option of meeting someone else!
4.	Don't let a man convince you that because he's been married before he can't marry you or that you should
give him time to recover from Wife No. 1 or 2.
5.	Don't let a man you have been dating for years convince you to wait until 'things slow down' at
work or he's better off financially to make a
commitment. This is the worst reason. There will
always be work/money issues in life. They should
have nothing to do with marrying you. When a man
loves you and wants to marry you he hopes you
don't notice these issues, or he includes you in their
solutions and begs you to marry him anyway. He
6)
gets down on one bended knee and says something
like, 'Look, I know I'm not a millionaire, but I love
you and I'd do anything for you'. When a man says
'You're too good for me', what he really means is 'I
don't want you.'

In conclusion, the same man 'who won't commit
because of issues with his ex-wife or his finances has no
problem proposing to a woman who refused to date him
longer than a year. Sometimes a man will date a woman
for five years claiming he has commitment issues and
after breaking up with her, easily marries someone else
in six months.
If you are involved with a man for several years who
isn't proposing, how much longer are you willing to
wait? When a man knows that you will accept less than
marriage he is not motivated to fully commit himself.
You must be willing to walk away from a dead-end relationship.
Assuming
you are engaged, how do you get him to
walk down the aisle?
The truth is, if you're engaged as a result of The Rules, getting him to marry you should not be a problem.
There's no 'cold feet' in Rules engagements. In fact,
just the opposite is the case. He's made his decision, he
wants to get married, to be with you all the time,
forever.
There's usually a wondrous, exciting planning of the
wedding. He's calling caterers, videographers, and
tuxedo places, and driving himself crazy trying to pick



201the most meaningful wedding song. He's intimately
involved in every detail of the wedding. He's worried
that you might not get your dress in time. The only time
he is angry at you is when you're not making the
wedding your top priority.
Of course, getting engaged is no guarantee of
marriage, so don't get lax about The Rules when you're
engaged. Don't think you can talk to him on the phone
for hours, and it's still best not to move in together yet.
Engagements can be broken and wedding dates postponed
or never set. If you move in, he may change his
mind and decide not to marry you so soon! Better that
he miss you and move up the wedding date than feel
claustrophobic as you take over his wardrobe space.
Also, be on the alert for any special circumstances or
excuses your fiance might make, such as:

1.	He thinks being engaged is great, but why rush marriage?
2.	He's been married before, it was a disaster and he's not anxious to tie the knot again. He gave you the
ring so he doesn't lose you (so you won't sleep with
anyone else), but he's happy with the status quo.
3.	He's young and still likes to go out with his friends, not be tied down. He likes the bachelor
life and although you convinced him to get
engaged, you can't pin him down for a wedding
date. You have a ring but you're not sure what the
future looks like.
A. You were already living together when you got

202engaged, but you still don't have a wedding date
set. What to do?

In general, we feel that when you get engaged you
should set a wedding date. Rules engagements are
usually a year or less. If you're young (under twenty
five), a two-year engagement is fine.
If the engagement is dragging on, you may want to
think about giving him back the ring and moving on.
Perhaps he's not Mr Right. Rules girls don't waste time.

Not Closing the Deal (Being True to Yourself): Perhaps you're the one having second thoughts. You did The Rules, he may or may not have proposed, but now
you're having doubts about him and the relationship.
Something just doesn't feel right, you're thinking about
breaking it off. Perhaps you're finding out that he's not
the man of your dreams after all, or there are just extenuating
circumstances. What should you do?
If you've thought about it carefully and discussed
your decision with a therapist, good friends or family
members, we suggest you always trust your instincts. Do Not Close the Deal.
Don't feel silly, embarrassed, or guilty. Don't hate
yourself or feel like a failure or that you wasted a year or
two of your life. You didn't. Ending a relationship that
isn't right is a learning and growing experience. Besides,
you're not the first woman to change her mind or cancel
a wedding. It happens sometimes. You tried, it didn't
work out, much better to find out and disentangle

203yourself now than later on. Don't stay with him because
you're a couple, you've made future plans together, you
like his parents, you're entrenched and it feels complicated
to break it off at this stage of the game.
After you've made up your mind, give yourself time
and permission to cry and grieve. Who wouldn't be
upset? It's normal. But don't give up on love or throw
yourself in front of a bus. Keep the faith. Always
remember, there's another person out there - the real
Mr Right -- for you and you're a winner for being
honest with yourself! Pump yourself up by rereading The Rules, specifically Rule 1: Be a 'Creature Unlike Any Other'. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the
universe: if not him, someone better ... Any man would
be lucky to have you! Plan a social action, get back on
track! Keep doing The Rules. Your real Mr Right may be
just around the corner and when you meet him you
won't regret past breakups!

204Rule 44


Even if You're Engaged or Married,
You Still Need The Rules

Ideally, we do The Rules from the minute we meet a man
until he says he loves us and proposes. But if you were
not lucky enough to learn about The Rules) before
reading this book, we suggest you do the best you can
right now. Better to do The Rules now than not at all.
However, if you did not know about The Rules until
now, don't think you can totally erase the way you
related to your fiance or husband from the beginning of
courtship. For example, if you initiated the relationship,
called him up, asked him out and so on, in order to
make the relationship work, he'll always expect such
things from you. He didn't worry about getting you to
marry him, he knew he had you, you told him so with
every word and gesture, so on some level he may take
you for granted. And chances are you still make things
happen by initiating sex and/or romantic dinners,
asking him about his feelings for you, wishing he would
spend less time in the office or with his friends and
more time with you. You might even wonder from time
to time if he's having an affair.
If you didn't do The Rules at the beginning of your
relationship, your husband might ignore you, talk to

205you rudely or treat you badly. You might wonder, Is his
behaviour the result of bad upbringing or something in
his past?' Maybe. But-we believe it's because you didn't
do The Rules. He never needed to treat you like his
dream girl. The same man who would act indifferent or
ignore a wife who pursued him wouldn't dream of it
with the woman who did The Rules.
Abuse doesn't happen in a. Rules relationship because
when you play hard to get and he works like hell to get
you, he thinks you're the most beautiful, wonderful
woman in the world, even if you're not. He treats you
like a precious jewel.
But don't despair. Start doing The Rules now as best
you can and he may notice a difference in your behaviour
and want you more. Here are five suggestions:

1.	Don't call him at work so often. When you do keep it brief and practical ('What time is the film on?').
Don't call saying, 'I miss you. Let's make love
tonight.' He should be calling you to express those
sentiments.
2.	Don't initiate sex, even if you want it badly. Let him be the man, the aggressor in the bedroom.
Biologically, the man must pursue the woman. If
you bring up sex all the time, you will emasculate
him. Act as if you're a Rules girl on a first date. Be
coy. Flirt when he tries to kiss you or bite your
neck. This will turn him into a tiger.
3.	Dress better, a little sexier. No man likes coming home to a woman wearing sweatpants or a

206

bathrobe all the time. Try wearing tight jeans, a
miniskirt or a deep V-necked shirt in a bright
colour. Put on some makeup and perfume. Wash
your hair. Pretend you're dating him.
4.	Act independent. Always be coming or going. Don't sit on the couch waiting for him to come home.
Don't bore him with details about your day or your
aches and pains. Make lots of plans with friends,
your kids, the neighbours. Go to the movies, go
shopping. Just go. This will make him desperate to
catch a minute of your time. He will want to corner
you in the kitchen for a kiss if he senses you're not
around much. He'll get mad if you're on the phone
when he's home because he'll want you all to
himself. This is how it is when you do The Rules. He'll feel as if he can never get enough of you. He'll
start calling you from work to suggest dinners alone
or a weekend getaway. This is what you want. Men
love independent women because they leave them
alone. They love chasing women who are busy. It
gives them a thrill, as big as scoring a goal.
5.	Take up a hobby. Most men are content to sit around in a recliner on a Saturday afternoon and
drink beer and watch football. Some bring work
home from the office and spend the entire afternoon
on the computer. Women tend to feel empty
when their boyfriends or husbands don't include
them in their plans or pay attention to them. It's
imperative that you don't nag him to give up his
hobbies, friends or work because you're bored.

207
1You'll get more attention from him if you get even
busier than he is. Make play dates for the kids, go
out for a run or take an aerobics class at a gym. That
will not only keep you busy but also will get you in
shape, making you all that more attractive to him.
He may wonder if other men are looking at you in
your Lycra. That will be good for the relationship. It
will make him want to turn off the TV or computer
and be alone with you. You might get involved in
charity, read a book, take up a sport. The key here is
to keep yourself independent and busy. This way
you're not hanging around him complaining that
he's not paying enough attention to you!

Unfortunately, doing The Rules sometimes means acting
single (even if you're married with children) all over again. Just be grateful you're not!

208
Rules For The Bedroom
(When You're Married)

If you want to have a happy marriage, remember to
make time for your sex life! You played hard to get, you
got him, now make the effort to maintain a healthy sex
life with him.
Make your sex life a priority, even if you had a long
day at work or your kids were unusually demanding
and sex is the last thing on your mind. Or, you may be
having one of those superbly, bad hair days. You don't
think you look very sexy and sure don't feel sexy. Okay,
every woman has days like that. We say, try to make the
time and be loving anyway!
In addition, be realistic about sex. You may want
your time together to be just right -- unhurried and
romantic. That's not always possible -- so try to be
flexible. Sometimes sex is the culmination of a beautiful,
enchanted evening. At other times, you just seize
the opportunity -- i.e., in the morning before the kids
get up.
You may have a lot on your mind. You're thinking
about your sales presentation due the next morning,
your kids, how the house needs straightening, and so
on. Let it go. We all have thoughts whirling in our

209brains. You don't always have to have an uncluttered
mind to have sex. Sometimes sex can unclutter it!
Some women use sex as a bargaining tool. This is
a bad idea. If you are trying to make a point, use a
different method to get your message across. Don't
make his favourite pasta or go with him to the football
game. It's not healthy for your relationship to use sex as
a weapon, as a way to hurt him. Remember, he can go to
the football game with one of his friends, but when it
comes to sex, you're the only one!
Of course, if you do have the time and the energy,
may we suggest you make sex extra special by creating
a romantic evening? Take the silver candlestick holders
you received as a wedding present out of the cupboard
and cook his favourite dinner, play some soft music,
wear his favourite outfit and be loving. Once in awhile,
you could ask your parents or in-laws to watch the kids
and plan a romantic weekend getaway.
You'll be happier -- in the long run -- if you have a
healthy sex life! Here are seven reasons why:

1.	It will help keep your commitment to each other strong!
2.	He'll think about you more often during the day.
3.	He'll appreciate your thoughtfulness.
4.	He'll be less likely to stay late at the office.
5.	He'll always want to be with you or call you.
6.	He won't be so grouchy. (Big smile.)
7.	You won't be so grouchy. (Even bigger smile).

210Always be pleased and flattered because your husband
wants to have sex with you. In a Rules marriage, your
husband comes to you for sex and you're both happy.

211Rule 46


Rules for Same-Sex Relationships

Do The Rules apply to same-sex relationships? If so,
how? Do both people do The Rules! Or one? Which
one?
Confused? Don't be. It's really quite simple. It's a
self-diagnosable problem.
Everyone who is gay or lesbian knows whether or
not they are the kind of person who needs structure,
some sort of self-protection, in a relationship. If you are
this type of person, you're probably very sensitive. You
think a lot -- obsessively may be more accurate -- about
the other person and the relationship. You get down -- really down - when overlooked or rejected. You're not
the type who naturally moves on. You don't think
break-ups are for the best. You think they are downright
devastating!
Perhaps you've been hurt before, or experienced a
life-time of hurts, not to mention the social pressures
that go alone with being gay. You want to be in a loving
relationship, but you can't bear getting hurt again.
Then The Rules are for you.
Much of the focus on gay issues has been on coming
to recognize and accept one's individual sexual identity,

212not on how to behave in same-sex relationships. Here we
attempt to fill that void with some sound advice.
The Rules can work like a charm when used by individuals
who want to know the 'how to' of dating when
they are completely at ease with their sexuality but at
an emotional roadblock as to how to proceed. Do you
ask someone out or wait to be asked? Should you play
hard to get?
Don't think there aren't any rules. There are, it's just
that there's a little more camaraderie and mutuality in
same-sex relationships than in male-female relationships.
You can show some interest, you can return some
phone calls. It's not so one-sided. There's more balance.
When you go out to places alone or with friends,
you're open to meeting someone, you're just not
desperate. You don't aggressively approach anyone at a
party. You smile back if someone smiles at you, and if
someone moves a little closer to you, you give a It's
okay to move in closer' smile. You want to let the
person know you're approachable, that you are open to
the idea of meeting someone. But that's all.
Eventually a conversation begins. It's going well.
You're both animated. You laugh, at the room, at the
night, at the jokes, but you don't bare your soul, your
feelings. You're light-hearted. You come on slow, not like gang-busters. You're not too much, too soon.
Being gay or lesbian, perhaps you've felt a little
isolated or separate your whole life. You've been
waiting to meet someone who 'understands'. But when
you do actually meet someone special, don't reveal too

213much -- find a good friend or therapist to share your
intimate problems with. Don't unload all of your past
history on a new person for they will probably be overwhelmed
by your intensity. Worse, they may be very
happy to have you depend so much on them, but it will
create the kind of co-dependent, needy relationship
you don't want.
It is very hard to keep from sharing too much when
you find someone who is receptive. After all, there aren't
a lot of people who understand what you have had to go
through. But motivate yourself to use restraint with the
knowledge that you are building a solid relationship and
sparing yourself the pain that accompanies the
inevitable end of an overly dependent one.
So, be casual. The person must give you signs that
they would like to get together again. You will get a feeling. It's different from a male--female relationship
because if the man doesn't ask the woman out, that's it,
it's over. In same-sex relationships, the lines are a little
more blurry, but rules still exist, and following them is
not as hard as you think.
Pace the relationship. Get to know the person you're
interested in slowly -- don't spill all the beans during a
three-hour coffee date. You are drawn to the person,
but you don't bare all. Wait as long as you can, knowing
that the more mysterious you are, the better.
The idea is to bring the spirit of The Rules into your
dating life. You should never pursue anyone relentlessly.
If there's no mutual interest, no give and take, then
there's nothing. If the person you're involved with

214seems to enjoy being the pursuer, that's great and actually
makes things easier. You enjoy being pursued and
you're sure of their feelings for you so you're less
anxious.
Regardless, don't stay on the phone for hours and
don't see the person at a moment's notice. You have a
life, you have other plans, you are not waiting to be
rescued.
Don't feel pressured to have sex right away. Don't
see this person all the time or live together until you're
exclusive.
Maintain your self-esteem and self-respect. If the
other person has a wandering eye, neglects you, or
constantly makes sexual comments about other people
when you're around, move on to new possibilities.
You know that a relationship without boundaries,
without give and take, is not a relationship that is worth
having. Perhaps you've settled before. Now, armed
with The Rules, you don't want anything less than
lasting, secure love. You want the best. You deserve the
best, and by following The Rules, you will get the best!

215Rule 47


Next. And Other Rules for
Dealing with Rejection

Life is not always fair. Fortunately, The Rules will help
ensure that you are never unnecessarily hurt by a man.
By behaving around men in a Rules way -- independent
and busy, not needy or aggressive -- we do not put
ourselves in a position to be hurt.
However, we cannot make a certain man like us or
prevent a man from meeting someone else he likes
better and consequently dropping us. And we can't
stop an ex-girlfriend from winning him back. So what
do we do when we get dumped?
Our natural reaction may be to stagnate and isolate,
wish we were dead, not wash our hair or wear makeup,
cry, sleep a lot, play sad love songs and swear we'll
never meet anyone as perfect as him again. We might
find consolation in the refrigerator or talk nonstop
about him to our friends. Obviously, this is ridiculous.
Allow yourself about two days of such behaviour and
then go on.
The Rules recipe for rejection is to wear a great dress
and flattering makeup and go to the very next party or
singles dance and tell your friends you're available for
blind dates. Hopefully, you've been diligent about The

216Rules up to the break-up and your social calendar is
already full of dates. Remember, until the ring is on
your finger or you're exclusive -- by exclusive, we mean
he's serious about marrying you and it's just a matter of
time before he pops the question, as opposed to he's
dating you until someone better comes along -- you
should be dating others. Nothing is better for cushioning
the blow than the adoring attention of other
men.
Whatever you do, don't lose your cool over this man.
Now is the time to acquire faith, to believe in abundance.
Tell yourself he is not the last man on earth,
there are many others and certainly at least one out
there for you. Talk to women friends who were dumped
and then met 'The One'. They will tell you how happy
they are now that so-and-so broke up with them, even
though they didn't realize it at the time. Comfort yourself
with uplifting slogans like, 'When one door closes,
another one opens' and any other positive philosophies
you can think of.
Remember, Rules girls don't get hung up on men who
reject them. They say, 'His loss' or 'Next! They carry
on. They don't tear themselves apart and wish they had
done this differently or said this and not that. They
don't write men letters offering to change or make
things work out. They don't call them or send messages
via friends. They accept it's over and get on with it.
They don't waste time.

217Rule 48


Do The Rules, Even When Your
Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts

Remember your reaction when you first heard about The Rules or read this book? No doubt you thought the
idea was crazy, dishonest or extreme. 'Why can't love
be more natural? Why can't I ask a man out? After all,
this is the 21st century.' But because your way didn't
work, you became open-minded rather quickly.
Something deep down inside you said The Rules just
might be the answer.
Well, don't be surprised if the people around you
don't support your new philosophy. Don't be surprised
if they think you're nuts or question every move you
make or don't make. When a man you're dating calls
and leaves a message with your mother, don't be
surprised if she hovers over you like a bee nagging you
to call him back right away. Rather than say, I can't call
him back. I'm doing The Rules'', just say, 'Okay, mum,
later, after I wash my hair.' Keep postponing any Rule- breaking activity.
Your mother may hassle you, but it's your girlfriends
that will probably give you the hardest time, possibly
because they're not doing The Rule,) themselves. Don't
be surprised if they take your devotion to The Rules as

218antifeminist. They may ask things like, 'You know,
marriage isn't the answer. No man is going to fix you.
There has to be a "me" before a "we". You don't need The Rules. You need some good analysis to find out why
you want to get married so much!' Don't say, 'If I don't
get married I'm going to kill myself or 'In Noah's ark,
they went in twos.' Just smile and change the subject.
Your friends might tell you that The Rules are
dishonest, that you should let a man know exactly who
you are, that it's rude not to call him or call him back.
Unless they want to do The Rules themselves, don't
argue with them or explain what you are doing. Just do The Rules quietly and let the results speak for themselves.
The fact is that your friends and others might
not have that burning desire to get married and have
babies. They may be perfectly content in their careers
and hobbies. You, on the other hand can't imagine
life -without a husband. Neither could we. That's why
we did The Rules -- to ensure that the right man didn't
get away.
We suggest you find like-minded women who
believe in The Rules, want to get married and support
each other much like any support group. Call them when you want to call him. Don't bother asking your
male friends if they like being pursued by women.
They might say one thing and believe another. They
will probably tell you that they're flattered to be called
and asked out by women. What they won't say is
that these are not the women they end up marrying or
even dating.

219Don't take a poll of men, or of married people for
that matter. Your married friends or relatives might tell
you, 'I didn't do The Rules and I got married.' They will
poke holes into every rule, one telling you that she
asked him out for the second date, and the other that
she paid for the third dinner date. Don't argue with
these people. Don't tell them you're doing The Rules because nothing else has worked. Just smile and say,
'Oh, it's just for fun' and change the subject. Don't stop
doing The Rules because married women tell you they
didn't. How do you know what their marriage is like?
How do you know that, because she pursued him, he
isn't always neglecting her or spending too much time
at the office? You want a Rules marriage, not just any
marriage.
If you can't find any like-minded women to support
you in doing The Rules, just read this book a lot, carry it
around in your bag to refer to on long supermarket
lines, and practise what you read as much as possible.
Believe us, if you do The Rules, you'll be so busy dating
your future husband to care or even think about what
anyone else is doing or what anyone else thinks of what
you are doing.

220Rule 49.

Keep Doing The Rules Even When Things Are Slow

A very important Rules credo is that it's better to date no
one than to date or marry Mr Wrong. Better to spend
Saturday night baby-sitting or curled up with a good
book than with a man who's not in love with you.
Let's say you've been doing The Rules for six months
or even a year, but have nothing to show for it. No
husband, no steady boyfriend, and few Saturday night
dates. You go to parties, museums and singles events,
you look good, and you don't pursue men. Men you're
attracted to don't approach you and the ones you don't
care about won't leave you alone! Meanwhile, your
friends who aren't doing The Rules seem to be dating all
the time. True, their relationships aren't good -- sometimes
downright bad! -- and don't last, but at least
they're busy and you're all alone. Even your mother is
telling you to call men! What's wrong with this picture?
Unfortunately, nothing. You just haven't met Mr
Right yet. The fact is, Mr Right -- the man you want to
marry who wants and pursues you - only comes around
a few times in a lifetime. So don't be surprised if you
come home from parties with nothing good to report
other than that you did The Rules. You didn't meet

221anyone. No man asked you for your number.
Many women we know -went through the nothing-to-show-for-it
period for a year or so, but now are happily
married. They didn't weaken and stop doing The Rules.
Don't be surprised if you're tempted to break The Rules during these dead periods. You might long to
initiate a conversation with the first cute guy you see or
call an old boyfriend who didn't treat you well in an
attempt to rekindle something dead and buried, just out
of boredom and loneliness. We understand how you
feel, but don't give in! You're just asking for heartache
and wasting your time.
Realize that these dead periods are not dead at all. The Rules are actually working in your life because you
are weeding out unsuitable men, which is just as important
as holding out for Mr Right.
When you feel that nothing is happening in the man
area, take advantage of this down time and pursue that
MBA or law degree, finish the novel you started
writing in college, redecorate or find a hobby. Take up
tennis or diving. Don't forget to call rules-minded women for reinforcement. Anything -- but don't initiate
a relationship with a man who isn't right for you. You
never know --you might just meet your husband on the
tennis court or your adult education class.
Women who break The Rules when nothing is going
on end up in relationships that don't work out and, even
worse, get involved in relationships that prevent them
from meeting Mr Right. Five months or five years later,
they're still single. Rules girls don't waste time!

222Rule 50


Don't Break The Rules

If you break The Rules, will he still marry you?
Women are always asking us this question. They do The Rules for a month or two and then stop. He still
hasn't said 'I love you,' much less proposed; yet, these
women are now asking him out, bringing up marriage,
and in some cases cleaning and decorating his apartment.
They don't realize that The Rules way is not a
hobby, but a religion. We keep doing The Rules until the
ring is on our finger!
Let's take the case of our good friend, Candy. We
told her about The Rules and she admitted she pursued
men and they never proposed. She finally became
willing to do everything we suggested for the first
month or so of dating a hard catch named Barry. The
Rules worked so well for Candy that after two months
Barry took her to Jamaica for a week. That's when
Candy went back to her old ways, ignoring our suggestions.
She didn't think she had to do them anymore!
During their holiday, Candy asked for assurances
about their future and acted more amorously than he
did by leaving love poetry on his pillow and initiating
sex. When they returned to New York and continued

223dating, she suggested they get together during the week
as well as on weekends. Whenever he kissed her good
night, she suggested they have sex or rent a video or do
some other thing to prolong their time together. He
finally told her, 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
It's really strange because in the beginning there was
something about you I had to get to know, but then it
changed for me.' Sure, all that love poetry!
Candy had the strength to end the relationship
shortly after he told her he didn't love her and didn't
want to marry her. Men don't lie! When they say they
are not in love, they mean it. They are giving you a hint
to break it off and look elsewhere. Which most women
don't heed. More often than not a woman will stay put,
wasting precious time and hoping against hope that a
man will change his mind. Have you ever gone through
this? Aren't you tired of the pain? After Candy and
Barry finally broke up, she never broke The Rules again.
We are happy to report that she recently got married by
doing The Rules as they are written, which should give
all women hope, as many women break The Rules before
they finally do them!
Rules girls don't hang around where they are not
wanted. They don't try to revive a love gone sour. If
you've broken The Rules to the point where he's
convinced he's out of love with you, don't stick around
hoping for a second chance. Remember, sometimes
distance and time can make a man realize he's made the
biggest mistake of his life. He can always call you -- he
has your phone number! Your part is to move on.

224Better that you do The Rules perfectly in your next relationship
than to hang around, tolerating the loveless
feelings of your current flame. So the answer to the
question, 'Will he still marry me if I break The Rules?' is,
sorry to say, 'Maybe yes, but most likely, no.' So why
take a chance?
That's why we strongly suggest that you don't break The Rules at all. Of course, you might make mistakes as
you practise them. If you have chased men your whole
life, you can consider it progress if you stop writing
men love letters but call them once in a while. However,
we believe in striving for perfection. When you do The Rules perfectly, you don't have to worry about second
chances because he won't fall out of love with you.
When you break The Rules, you automatically take
away the pleasure men get from pursuing you, and they
end up resenting you for it. Then they treat you badly
and you're left wondering if it was something you said,
did, didn't say or didn't do that caused the problem.
The answer is simple: you broke The Rules.
Prepare yourself for the fact that you will usually
want to break The Rules after you have been dating
someone for a couple of months. You may feel that the
relationship is slowing down or going nowhere. He
starts calling less often or still hasn't brought up
marriage. Your girlfriends are planning the wedding
and you still haven't met his parents. You feel anxious.
Naturally, you want to shake things up or move things
along. You are tempted to send him heavy-handed
greeting cards from the 'relationship' section of the

225card store or a love letter telling him how much you
care about him to bring him closer to you. Without his
permission, you want to throw out his old leather jacket
and buy him a new one. You act as if you are his wife
and feel entitled -- after all, he sees you every weekend
and bought you flowers twice. You may even decide to
try and patch things up between him and his dad, who
haven't spoken for a while. Let's face it, you are out of
control!
Persist in this kind of behaviour only if you want to
destroy any chance of his proposing! The Rules action to
take when things slow down is more of the same: reread
how to behave on the first few dates (see Rules 10 and 11). Just hang out, trust in the process, be patient, don't
nag him and don't make anything happen. If you still
feel frustrated after a few weeks, then get moving yourself!
Rent that summer house with your girlfriend
rather than waiting for him to suggest plans, or sign up
for tennis lessons with that new instructor at your
health club. Don't hone in on the man you are dating he
will feel smothered, not loved. Move away, get busy
and elusive and he will either miss you or not. Best to
find out now rather than later if he can live without you
There are many ways to break The Rules in the early
stages of a relationship. Here's another example:
After dating Ken for a month, Nicole decided to
discard The Rules, which she had followed faithfully on
the first four dates, and do what she felt like doing. Ii
Ken was going to be her husband and father her children
one day, she reasoned, why shouldn't she show

226him her true self? (Have you ever thought like Nicole?)
So, for his birthday, she planned a big surprise party,
partly as a ploy to meet his family and friends.
Not a weekend "went by that Nicole's feelings didn't
get the best of her. Once they passed a playground, she
suggested that they ride on the seesaw and swing on the
swings, hoping to make him think about children. Ken
found her behaviour obvious and boring. The relationship
went downhill from there. Nicole suggested
couples therapy. He decided to break up with her and
find someone else to date.
The lesson here is simple: don't break The Rules.
Don't make him a birthday party or give him an
expensive gift, don't mention children, don't patch
things up with his family, don't ask him out and try not
to call him very often. Basically, don't push yourself
into his life or you won't be his wife!
When we pursue a man, a bell goes off in his head. The challenge id over and his feelings start to fade.
Suddenly, the romance turns to mud. Whatever he
found adorable about you, he now finds annoying.
You're no longer his dream girl. It's as if you picked up
the bill or opened the door for him. You've taken his job
away, you've done him a disservice.
So when you think that not calling him and other Rules are rude and hurtful, remember you are in fact
helping him want you more. The Rules are actually good for him. So don't go by your feelings, just do The Rules.
The good news is that when a man is in love with
you, he is not afraid to make a fool of himself by calling

227you five times in one day to tell you little, stupid things.
(Yes, he can call you five times a day, but you can't or
he'll think you're crazy!) You don't need to call him
five times a day because when you do The Rules you
have peace of mind. You don't need to call him for reassurance
about the relationship because you're secure.
And you don't have to stay up until 2 a.m. making
excuses about why he hasn't called in two weeks
because when you do The Rules, he calls every week,
sometimes every day!
Rules girls don't fret too much. They do The Rules and,
in return, men give them that secure, snug feeling of
being loved and being asked out for Saturday night early
in the week or, better yet, at the end of their last date.
Now we all know "women who broke The Rules and
got married anyway. We know one Rules who
is always initiating intimacy with her husband. He
says he loves her, but he never pinches her bottom in
the kitchen and would rather watch the 11 o'clock
news alone in his reclining chair than cuddle in bed
with his wife.
So if you break The Rules, at least muster the courage
to end the relationship when he says he is not in love
and it's over. It will save you a lot of time. It's a spiritual
axiom that when you feel someone slipping away, let
the person go. Don't try to find out why he doesn't love
you or what you could have done better. That's begging
and, frankly, it's beneath a Rules girl to do. Be firm
when it's over, knowing that you'll be able to break
down and cry with your girlfriends later.

228Even if you think you could have done The Rules) better, don't blame yourself. Just love yourself and do
them better the next time. Don't call him, don't talk to
his friends about it, don't try to be buddies. It's over. Next! The relationship was not meant to be. There is
somebody better out there for you. In the meantime,
lining up a few dates is the best thing to do (and the best
revenge).


229

Rule 51


Don't Worry, Even Men
Like The Rules

In case you forgot, you're doing The Rules because it's
good for you and your self-esteem. Whether men like or
dislike The Rules is irrelevant. The truth is, men can talk
about wanting to date in an open, up-front, rational
way, but what they respond to is altogether different they
respond to challenge, mystery and intrigue. If a
man likes a woman, he'll call her again. If he likes her
and she doesn't let the first date become a marathon,
he'll want to see her again that much sooner. He'll lose
interest if she breaks rules, regardless of what he says!
But you are probably curious what men think and
say about The Rules anyway. We have found that, if
presented correctly, most men don't find The Rules objectionable at all. They actually like the results The
Rules produce.

Here is what men have told us in their own words:

'If I met a woman and thought she was "The One", I
wouldn't let any book she was studying get in the way
(of pursuing her),' says an executive at a university in
New York.



230He believes that men feel 'cheated' of the chase and
'refuse to commit' or demand 'space' when women
break rules.
He is not alone. We have received dozens of letters
and calls from men thanking us for writing The Rules and letting us know that they are buying copies
for their daughters, sisters, female friends and ex
girlfriends.
A teacher from Lexington, Kentucky, wrote to say
that he loved our description of a Rules girl -- 'busy, with
high self-esteem, not sleeping around or chasing
married men, having values and ethics, and loving with
her head and her heart. That is a very attractive woman
to any sane man ...'
An M.D. from Chicago, Illinois, wrote to say that he
was 'always getting into relationships with codependent
women who had no lives of their own. These women were
unusually clingy and bordering on being fatal attractions.
Now, I have a renewed sense of hope in finding a woman
who possesses the qualities of a Rules girl.'
Yet another male Rules fan from Los Angeles wrote,
'You are right -- it is more exciting for us men when the
girl is hard to get. I have never been interested in any
girl who chased me. Flattered yes, but not interested.'
An Illinois medical student who is planning a career in
psychiatry wrote, 'in my opinion, any young woman who
knows and uses The Rules correctly will have a tremendous
advantage in finding and keeping successful
long-term relationships.'
Of course, there are men who think The Rules are just

231silly -- not offensive, just silly! These men simply cannot
believe women read such books. But they don't realize
the extent to which women can obsess about relationships.
If a man actually knew how much a woman
thought about him, a relationship gone wrong, or lost
herself over a break-up with a man, he would really
encourage her to do The Rules. He'd say, 'Well, go ahead
then, read that book if it helps!'
So even if your boyfriend suspects you're doing The Rules, even if you think he'd be mad if he found out
about it - so that's why you don't call me! -- still do The
Rules. Don't talk about it. Deep down, a man would
rather you do The Rules than not, no matter what they day. Deep down, every man would rather marry a girl who
gives him space and lets him breathe. So don't worry
about what men think about The Rules, just do them.
Men do like Rules girls - in fact, they do more than like
them -- they love and marry them!

232Rule 52


Do The Rules and You'll
Live Happily Ever After!

What can you expect to get when you do The Rules ? The
answer is total adoration from the man of your dreams.
Otherwise, why else would we do them ?
Let's face it, many of the things we ask you to do or
not do in this book are downright difficult. Not calling
him, not being intimate too soon, not bringing up
marriage or children and ending the date first require a
great deal of self-restraint, patience and determination.
Sometimes we thought we would simply die at the
thought of holding off having sex. And the agony of not
calling him! There were many days -when we just had to
hear his voice.
So what kept us going? What made us continue
doing The Rules The incredible, unbelievable pay offs,
twenty of which are listed below. So when you find
yourself resisting doing a certain Rule (maybe you don't
want to end the phone call after five or ten minutes
because you're afraid he'll think you're rude and never
call again), read this list and summon the courage.
Remember, men want you more when you do The Rule and lose interest quicker when you don't!

2331.	The biggest payoff first: he wants to marry you! Most women bring up marriage or the future after a couple
of weeks or months of dating a man. They want to
know where the relationship is going. Most likely, it's
going nowhere because men don't want to be pushed
into proposing. As a Rules girl, you've been trainee
not to bring up marriage or kids. You talk about
books, business, politics, football and the weather
When you do The Rules, he ends up proposing.
2.	When you are seated at a booth in a restaurant, ht slides over and sits next to you. Sitting opposite you
is just too far away when he's truly in love.
3.	He sends you roses after you have sex.
4.	He writes love notes or poetry for you and tape; them on the refrigerator door.
5.	He finds your idiosyncrasies harmless rather than annoying. You never have to worry that he'll leave
you if you don't change a bad habit. He doesn't like
it -- but he doesn't leave you because of it.
6.	He calls to see how your doctor's visit went.
7.	He gives you little presents, jewellery and flower; on every possible occasion.
8.	He gets angry when you don't pay attention to him He wants your constant attention and companion
ship. He doesn't ignore you. He's always walking
into whatever room you're in. You are never a 'foot
ball widow'. He wants to take you to the football
game (even if you don't like the sport or understand
it) in order to spend more time with you. He want
to do everything with you!

2349. He is always ready to make up after a fight.
10.	He gets involved in every aspect of your life. You don't bore him.
11.	If you call him at work, he'll always want to talk to you even if he is busy. He calls you from work a lot
anyway.
12.	He doesn't like to work late because he wants to see more of you.
13.	When you have a cold or become ill, he still wants to be with you.
14.	He always wants the phone number of where you are so he can get in touch with you.
15.	He watches out for you.
16.	He doesn't like it when you go out on your own to hen parties.
17.	He listens when you talk to him.
18.	When you walk around the house with very little on, he whistles, as though you were a babe on the beach.
19.	Your picture is on his desk in the office and in his wallet. He always wants to look at you.
20.	When he loves you, he loves your kids.

Hopefully some or all of the above promises will motivate
you to do The Rules. Still another incentive for
doing The Rules is what you won't get:

1. No messy divorce. Instead, you have one of those
made-in-heaven marriages. He'll take care of you
when you're old. He really, really loves you. A Rules marriage is forever.

2352.	No outside counselling. He has no interest in couples therapy. When you do The Rules, he doesn't
have big issues with you. He doesn't wish you were
this, that or different. His love for you is unconditional.
Sure, he might wish you balanced your
chequebook, lost ten pounds or cleaned the house
more often, but he is not seriously annoyed or upset
about it. He finds it all amusing. Ultimately, he
finds most things about you adorable. He doesn't
feel the need to consult a professional to talk about
his feelings. He's busy planning your next holiday
or chasing you around the house for a quick kiss.
3.	No anxiety. You're not walking on eggshells. You're not always wondering if you hurt his feelings
or said the wrong thing. You know that he will
always forgive you, not hurt you, that he is ready to
make up with you at a moment's notice.
4.	No physical abuse. When you do The Rules, he treats you like a fragile, delicate flower. He cups
your face, rubs your back when you've had a hard
day and strokes your hair as if it were silk. You
don't have to worry about being battered.
5.	No cheating. When you do The Rules, he thinks you're more beautiful than other women (even if
you're not). He doesn't want to have sex with
anyone but you; he can't get enough of you and
even wants to build up his biceps for you. You can
leave him in a room full of gorgeous women and not
worry! When he loves you, he loves you!







236Rule 53

Love Only Those Who Love You

One of the greatest payoffs of doing The Rules is that
you grow to love only those who love you. If you
have been following the suggestions in this book,
you have learned to take care of yourself. You're eating
well and working out. You're busy with interests and
hobbies and dating, and you're not calling or chasing
men. You have high self-esteem because you are not
sleeping around or having affairs with married men.
You love with your head, not just your heart. You are
honest;you have boundaries, values and ethics. You are
special, a creature unlike any other. Any man would be
lucky to have you!
Because you love yourself, you are no longer interested
in men who ignore you, cheat on you, hurt you
either physically or emotionally, and, of course, any
man who can live without you. The kind of men who
once nauseated you because they were open books,
called too much, wrote mushy cards and told their
friends and parents about you long before you said
anything to your friends and parents, you now find
attractive and desirable. Of course, we don't mean to
suggest that you love someone simply because he loves

237you. No, you love whom you love. But when a man you
are interested in is crazy about you, you are happy
about it. You are not bored or turned off. You don't
think, 'Oh no, this is too easy. Love should be easy!
As a result of doing The Rules), you have a new attitude.
You love being loved. You think that anyone who
thinks you're great is great, not a jerk. You have no
desire to chase someone who hasn't noticed you, sought
you out or dialled your number and asked you out.
Love is finally simple and sweet, not heart-wrenching
and hard.
You might be saying to yourself, 'But of course!' Yet,
you'd be surprised how many of us only went after men
who didn't want us. We thought it was our mission in
life to reform men, make men who preferred blondes (if
we are brunette) interested in us. We thought we had to
work at making men love us. If love came easily, we
were bored. Now we like love to be easy. We go to a
dance or a party and we don't have to work at all. We
just show up, do The Rules and whoever likes us, likes us
and who doesn't, doesn't. We accept whatever happens.
We're laid back and confident. We don't struggle.
You're living pain free. No more lonely Saturday
nights, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more
fantasizing about the man who got away or wanted
your best friend, no more jealous tantrums, no more
checking his desk drawers or coat pockets for incriminating
evidence. To be adored and secure at last! That's
the incredible payoff you get when you do The Rules and
you're going to love it!

2381

Rule 54


Be Easy to Live With


The Rules are about playing hard to get. Once you've got
him, it's about being easy to be with.
Many things can go wrong in the first few months or
year of marriage. You might have fights about where
you'll live. There may be money problems or family
problems. You thought you wouldn't have to work so
hard, that you could work part-time and start planning
for kids. He says he wants you to work full-time and
have kids later. He thought you would make him home
cooked meals like his mother made his father and gets
angry every time you open a can of tuna.
There may be more serious problems - for example,
loss of job or illness. What is The Rule now?
The Rule is that as hard as you worked to play hard to
get is how hard you must work to be easygoing! Be
kind, considerate and patient; try to overlook his faults
and build up his ego -- tell him how good he looks, try to
see things his way. Don't expect him to see things your way all the time.
It's natural to want to fly off the handle every time
something goes wrong in the love kingdom -- we all
have fantasies of marital bliss. But you must try to be

239serene and. unselfish or you won't be a happy princess.
Let's say you've cooked him his favourite dinner,
but he calls at the last minute to say he's working late
and that you should eat without him. You're mad and
want to scream into the phone, 'But I cooked a special
meal just for you!' Instead, take a deep breath and say
something like, You've really been working hard
lately. I'm so proud of you.' Promise him a back rub
when he gets home. Then get busy -- read a book or
clean the house. Don't tell him how disappointed you
are and turn into a nag. Remember, he's working long
hours for the both of you!
Or let's say it's your birthday and you know he's
getting you something special but you have this thing
about getting a dozen roses. So, you're on edge all day
and wondering if you should give him a hint. You're
also mad that you even have to say something!
So what do you do? Tell a friend, buy yourself flowers and forget about it. Practise being happy with what you
get instead of expecting him to fulfil your every
romantic fantasy. Also, give it time. The roses will come.
Life is long.
In general, remember that he works hard all day -- whether or not you think he does. Don't hit him with every
crisis the minute he walks in the door. And remember,
small acts of kindness make for a great marriage.
This isn't always easy. Sometimes you just don't feel
like shaving your legs, cooking him a hot meal or being
so sweet, kind and loving. Your PMS might be in high
gear. How do you keep yourself going?

240We think it helps to use any stress busters -- yoga,
meditation, aerobics, running, biking, tennis, a spa
weekend and so on -- to reenergize your batteries. True,
it takes a lot more work to be a Rules wife than an ordinary
one, but it's so much more rewarding in the long
run, don't you agree?
You might also try reading spiritual literature,
seeing a therapist or joining a support group if things
get too much for you or you find yourself constantly
bickering with him about little things. But whatever
path you choose, remember to keep the focus on yourself. Don't go into therapy or exercise with the idea of
changing your husband or prodding him to get
healthy, too. Change yourself and your reaction to what
he is or isn't doing.
On any given day, try to remember that an attitude
of gratitude can go a long way. On bad days, try to
remember the reasons you married your husband. In
the middle of a fight with your husband, stop and recall
all those bad blind dates, the seemingly endless search
for Mr Right. That should help you not say anything
too mean in the middle of a fight like, 'I wish I had
never met you!' or 'I should have married someone
else.' Don't dredge up the past or be mean-spirited and
say things like, 'Remember the time you were late for
my sister's wedding?' Tell yourself, 'I found Mr Right how
important is this?'
If you want a happy Rules marriage, may we suggest
some more rules?






241

1.	Don't go through his clothes, pockets and drawers looking for anything -- lipstick stains, women's
phone numbers, hotel receipts and such.
Remember, if you're in a Rules marriage, he's not
cheating on you. Then go about your business read
a book, exercise. Don't you have a letter to
send or a drawer to clean out?
2.	Don't open his mail unless it is specifically addressed to both of you. It is natural to think that
what's his is yours, but that's not for you to decide.
If he doesn't specifically show you something or
include you in certain things, it's none of your business.
Besides, the less nosy you are, the more he
will want to tell you -- eventually.
3.	Don't hold him back from doing something he really wants to do, such as a ski weekend with a bunch of
friends. He should always feel free. He should not
think of you as the kind of person who wouldn't
want him to be happy because it means not being
with you. If you feel you have to hold him back from
anything, there's a problem in the relationship.
Don't try to control him. Remember, we don't make
things happen or stop them from happening! We're
easy to be with, we go with the flow.
4.	Always try to show utter contentment with him, yourself, the world. Be carefree. You'll get less
wrinkles and backaches; you'll feel less stress.
He'll want you more when you're the easygoing
girl he dated - a creature unlike any other. Reread Rule 1.


2425.	If you're feeling weak about The Rules and start acting like your old pain-in-the-neck self -- angry,
needy, not so nice -- reread The Rules from the
beginning. It will inspire you to act like a creature
unlike any other and will remind you of the benefits
of doing so. Namely, your husband will find you
irresistible all over again!
6.	Make time for a healthy love/sex life and spend quality time together. We know that after a hard
day of work, food shopping, aerobics and so on,
that you may not want to have wild sex or go to the
football game with him. When you were dating you
did things because you wanted to please him so that
he would propose. Now that you have him, you
think you don't have to try that hard.
7.	Don't analyse and reanalyse your relationship or force him to talk about it. It's no secret that women
like to talk about their feelings and the 'relationship'
more than men do. If you feel the need to have
a heart-to-heart talk with your husband, but
suspect that he's not interested at that very
moment, a good Rules credo is to wait. Talk to a
friend instead. It's rarely a good conversation when
he's not in the mood. Don't analyse why he doesn't
want to talk. If you are relaxed and confident about
your relationship, he'll be much more likely to want
to discuss it with you.
Besides, unless a talk is absolutely necessary,
sometimes the best way to get your husband's
attention is to look extra good and be pleasant and

243enthusiastic with him about your life as it
currently is.
8.	Don't be a nag. Don't constantly complain about the lack of money, the size of your house, what
needs to be done in the house, or tell him what your
friends have and what you don't have. Hopefully,
you married for love, not other reasons. Remember
that and don't let your relationship become adversarial.
Instead of trying to make your husband feel
inadequate, focus on the positive. Tell him how
happy you are with him, your life and your
marriage.
9.	Always take the high road with friends and family. You may not get along with every one of his family
members or friends. However, be careful not to
criticize them in front of your husband. Realise
that he knows them in a special way that you may
never understand. How would you like it if he
found fault with your chatty but good friends or
your meddling sister? Find an impartial friend to
air your grudges with. Even if you're absolutely
right, try not to complain to your husband. He
shouldn't think of you as a grievance collector.
Collecting grievances isn't healthy, so be careful
not to fall into this bad habit.
10. Try to compromise. You want to live in the city. He
likes the suburbs. Your idea of a good meal is in a
fancy French restaurant. He likes burgers and
fries. You enjoy mushy movies, he likes horror
movies with blood and gore. What to do?

244Be open to new experiences. Broaden your horizons
and see what you can learn from him. Maybe
you'll learn to like scary movies. Failing that,
remember why you married him and that being
together is more important than anything in particular
you do.
As hard as it may be, let him win sometimes.
Why? Because your relationship is more important
than always winning. Being a good sport will make
you more desirable to him and he is more likely to
feel that any man would be lucky to have you. He'll
be more afraid of losing you because you're so
wonderful to be around. He'll feel that you're easygoing,
a summer breeze, not a tornado. It's a good
spiritual exercise to compromise and the happiness
it brings means that you always end up winning in
the end.
11.	Be quick to say you're sorry, preferably first. Fighting is a normal part of married life, but Rules women try not to yell all the time, nurse grudges,
hang on to resentments or turn a minor argument
into a major ordeal. When you have a fight, try not
to be mean or spiteful. Don't go to bed angry and
try to make up first. You'll be glad you did.
12.	Be neat. This rule may sound trivial in the light of deep relationship issues, but practical ones do
matter, even more than to women. Clutter, old
newspapers piled around the house, stains on the
carpet, runs in your stockings, dirty bathtub ... all
of this is not sexy! You'll feel better when you're

245organized, neat and clean, and he'll respect you
more because you respect yourself. After all, what
can he think of you when you don't love yourself
enough to wear tights without runs or hang up your
clothes?
Married women who are not naturally neat
should consult those who are. Get tips on cleaning
out wardrobes and filing papers or hire a cleaning
lady. Cleanliness is sexy!
13.	Be independent. Don't talk constantly about your fear of being alone or that you could never make it
on your own. Your husband should know that you
feel you are desirable, a creature unlike any other,
'a catch'. Men really want women who can live
without them, but have chosen not to. Don't flip out
(in front of him) if you hear about a couple getting
divorced. Don't say, 'Oh my God. That's horrible. I
just don't know what I'd do. I'd die without you!'
Calmly say, 'I feel so bad for them. I hope things
work out,' and then change the subject.
14.	Have time out together. If you have children, make it a point to hire a baby-sitter and go out for dinner with your husband on a regular basis -- without
feeling guilty! Of course your children deserve
your attention, but they also need to grow up with
parents who have a healthy established relationship.
Strive to create a sound balance, bearing in
mind that time apart from them is as important as
time with them.

24615.	Say things nicely. Nothing dampens a loving relationship
like yelling or finding fault. If you are
annoyed, overwhelmed or stressed, try to vent your
feelings by taking a job, talking to friends or doing
yoga so that you don't take it out on your husband.
Even if you are frazzled, try not to pick on your
husband or point out his weaknesses. For example,
if you come home and he's put the baby's diaper on
backward, don't make him feel bad. Say something
positive like, 'Wow! It's interesting how the diaper
works no matter which way it's put on.' Thank him
for helping and gently show him the right way.
He'll appreciate your gratitude -- and he'll get it
right next time!
16.	Don't have exaggerated expectations. If he's working overtime or weekends or didn't get you
exactly what you wanted for your birthday, don't
get all bent out of shape. Ask yourself, 'How important
is it?' When little problems bother you, try to
be grateful that you are happily married!

True, you never have to do The Rules quite as hard as
you did in the first three months of the relationship. But
that doesn't mean that you can be selfish or inconsiderate
or lazy. Remember that if you want a good
marriage, The Rules never really end!

247Rule 55


Rules for Girlfriends, Bosses/Co-workers and Children

Because The Rules work so well with men, many women
have asked us if there is a way to apply The Rules to platonic relationships with other people, such as
girlfriends, bosses, co-workers and even children.
Absolutely. The Rules can be applied to other people so
that you have good, healthy relationships, are well
liked and not taken for granted. Here are our rules for
other people:

Girlfriends

1.	Do The Rules with men. By doing The Rules with men, you automatically become a good girlfriend.
Think about it. You're not cancelling plans at the
last minute to accept a date with a man. You take
your plans with your girlfriends seriously -- you
don't break them for a better offer. You're loyal. Of
course, you're not sleeping with, chasing or flirting
with your girlfriend's boyfriend or husband. You're
trustworthy.
2.	Figure out who your friends are. You don't want to become a doormat. For example, if you're the one

248giving all the time, calling, lending your clothes,
books, money and makeup and getting little or
nothing in return, pull back a little and see what
happens. It's not good for you or her if the relationships
is one-sided. Maybe she's not that interested
in the friendship. On the other hand, if you are the
one always taking, try to give more or not accept as
much.
3.	Don't be a burden. If you're going through a particularly
hellish time -- man, health, work issues -- don't dump it all on one friend, day and night. Try
to complain to several friends so that no one takes
the brunt of it and you don't lose friends. Try to give
back an hour for every hour they give of their time.
Always remember to ask how they're doing, even if
you know they're doing better than you. Everyone
gets their fair share of good and bad in life. It all
evens out in the end. To compare is to despair!
4.	Be happy for your friends. If your girlfriend is getting married and you don't even have a
boyfriend or she lands a great job and you hate
yours, it may be hard to feel genuinely pleased by
her good fortune, but you must work on
summoning up these feelings. Maybe she was
lucky. On the other hand, maybe she worked hard
for her success -- took more social actions and sent
more CVs than you did. It doesn't matter.
Whatever the reason, she is your friend and she
deserves to feel that you are happy for her, not
jealous. Rather than seethe with envy, see what you

249can do about meeting a man and finding a better job
of your own. Send her a congratulations card and
smile at her wedding. Wishing others happiness is
the best way to ensure our own.

Bosses and Coworkers

1.	Don't act too casual or talk about your private life at the office. You might think talking about personal
matters or your feelings at work will make you feel
more at home. But your boss and co-workers will
respect and trust you more if they sense that you are
professional and not the gossipy type.
2.	Work for the good of the company, not for your own personal gain. Every day think, 'How can I
contribute to my company or help customers?'
Don't think we're being corny or naive here. We
know that business can be cut-throat. But when you
think of the company, you automatically succeed.
3.	Don't focus solely on how to get a raise or a promotion
or how to do the least amount of work without
getting found out. Think about doing quality work
and being a good worker, or you won't feel good
about yourself.
4.	Don't be over-eager or volunteer to do too much too quickly in an effort to make your boss notice you. Hell
find you if he needs you; be available when he does!
5.	Don't be a self-centred, short-term thinker. Everyone around you will smell self-interest and
think less of you.

2506.	Be a team player.
7.	Don't work round the clock. Have a social life. Remember that work isn't everything; you will be a
much better worker if you are happy in other areas
of your life.

Children

Children are a lot like men. They'll take advantage of
you if you let them! One of the benefits of having a Rules marriage is that your kids tend to treat you as
nicely as your husband does. They copy his behaviour,
making him their role model for how to treat you.
For example, if your son observes his father being
loving and attentive and buying you cards and flowers,
he will try to do the same in his own way (i.e., break his
piggy bank for a bracelet or bouquet of flowers).
As we have already said, 'when he loves you, he loves
your kids.' We would like to add, 'when he loves and
respects you, your kids learn to love and respect you.'
In addition, here are some rules to make sure your
children treat you well:

1. Don't let your children treat you as their equal. For
example, if they call you by your first name, don't
answer. Instead ask, 'Did you say something? I
respond to the name Mum.' That way they know
you're the boss.
Similarly, don't ask them if they want to go to
school, brush their teeth or go to bed. Tell them

251what they must do. Children respond well to discipline
and orderliness. You are doing them a disservice
when you let them run the show.
2.	Don't spoil your kids. You might be tempted to overdo, particularly if you waited until later in life
to have children or had to adopt to overcome infertility
problems. You might want to jump every time
the baby cries. Assuming the baby is fed, dry and
not sick, you do not have to spend endless hours
pampering him or her, or you will become trapped
in a pattern that's almost impossible to break.
Encourage your child to be self-sufficient. As your
children get older, encourage them to help with
household chores. If you let your children have
some responsibility, instead of constantly doing
everything for them, you will help to foster independence
and competence.
3.	Don't make an issue out of food. Don't force them to finish every meal; you may unknowingly begin a
life of weight problems for them. Unlike adults,
children eat when they're hungry and stop when
they're full. They won't starve to death. Save your
energy for more important matters like teaching
them good manners and values.
4.	Have a life! Don't feel guilty for working, talking on the phone about business or with friends. You
are entitled to some time to yourself, and you'll be a
better mother for having a full life. Mothers who
spend too much time with or overindulge their children
and neglect themselves are often frustrated

252and resentful. It's not necessarily the quantity of
time you spend with your child, but the quality.
In the same vein, let your child know it's not okay
to interrupt you when you have company or are on
the phone. Unless it's an emergency or your child is
hurt or sick, tell him or her that you are busy and
will talk to him or her later -- and make sure you
stick to your word. This way your child learns to
respect your private life and learns patience. He or
she will get mummy time, just later.
5.	Don't buy out the toy store. You might be able to afford the best of everything, but should you buy
it? We think not, unless you want your child to turn
into a monster, the kind of kid who throws
tantrums in a department store. So even if you can
afford the whole store, restrain yourself. The same
goes for pushing your child to participate in every
hobby and sport. Check your motives. Are these
really your child's interests or your ego at work?
6.	Let your children take responsibility for their actions. If your children don't want to do their homework, try
to find out why; perhaps they didn't understand the
assignment. Help them, but don't do it for them. If it's
just a case of being lazy or wilful, tell them they are
responsible and they will have to face the consequences.
If you want you can explain that you did
your homework when you were growing up and
that's how you got to where you are today.
7.	Stick to your word. Explain to your child if he/she engages in bad behaviour -- i.e., curses, hits

253someone or acts out - he/she has to suffer the
consequences. You decide what the punishment is
-- i.e., no TV -- and stick to it. If you make idle
threats, you will lose credibility and your children
will get away with murder.
8. Encourage your child to confide in you. Lay down
the law about good and bad behaviour, but always
leave the door open for your child to tell you something
you may not approve of. In other words, be
strict, but not judgmental. That way if there's something
your child doesn't want to tell you, he/she can
at least tell you that much, i.e., 'I have a secret I
don't want to tell you.' If you don't want to find out
about your child's problems too late or from
someone else, make sure your child knows that he
or she can always confide in you and count on you no matter what.

A general tip: Good mothers are observant mothers. If
you sense that your child is anxious or edgy, perhaps
you want to cancel your social plans or leave work early
to spend 'a kid day' or 'kid's night out', something as
simple as pizza and a movie may get him or her to open
up and tell you what's going on.

254Success Stories: Women
Who Followed The Rules and Changed Their Lives!

Since The Rules came out in February 1995, thousands
of women have contacted us to ask for help with this
successful dating method and to share their experiences.
Around the world, women are buying The Rules for themselves as well as for their single friends and
forming support groups to help one another follow The
Rules. Mothers are sending The Rules to their daughters
and grandmothers are sending it to their granddaughters.
The word has got out. The Rules work! Here are
some true success stories that may inspire you to do The
Rules better -- or for the first time!

Jennifer T.'s story, Los Angeles, California

When she stopped sending a doctor greeting cards and gave him
space, he decided she was 'The One'.

Jennifer T., thirty-three, called us from Los Angeles to
ask for our advice. A friend sent her The Rules and she
was anxiously trying to practise them on Mark, a

255

thirty-one-year-old doctor, divorced for two years. She
said that after four months of dating Mark, he started
pulling away. She wanted to know what she was doing
wrong. She was crying when she called us - she really
wanted to marry this man!
We went over all the important facts - how they met,
who pursued whom, what rules were broken -- to pinpoint
the problem.
They met on a blind date. It was instant attraction.
Mark called her early in the week for Saturday nights for
the first two months. A good sign. They started seeing
each other once or twice a week. They had sex after three months. So far, so good. But one evening over
dinner, Mark told her he wasn't sure how he felt and
-what the future would bring. What went wrong?
After some close investigation, we discovered
Jennifer had strayed in several key areas. Her major
slip was actually after the second date. She sent him a
romantic card saying she was glad they met and signed
off with, 'XO, Jennifer'. Mark didn't acknowledge the
card. After spending a weekend in Aspen a month later,
she sent him a second card thanking him for the trip.
Again, he never called to thank her for the card.
Of course, Rules girls know not to send men thank
you cards. They simply thank a man in person after the
date or the weekend. Putting it in writing is not necessary,
shows too much interest and effort and possibly
low self-esteem. He got to spend time with you! Who
needs a thank-you card for that?

256A romantic thank-you card tells a man exactly how
you feel and destroys the mystery and challenge of
pursuing you. Rules girls receive cards, they don't send
them. Mark never sent her a card, much less said, 'I
love you.'
Jennifer's other mistakes: After seeing Mark for two
months, she started to accept last-minute dates on
Monday nights. And when Mark told her he wasn't
sure how he felt, she asked him a lot of questions to get
him to pinpoint the problem. What wasn't he sure
about? Was there something he didn't like that she
could change? Did he still have feelings for his ex-wife?
Mark said it wasn't anything in particular. He
suggested they 'take a break' for a week or two so he
could sort out his feelings. Jennifer was devastated.
This is what we told her:
When a man says he's 'not sure how he feels' and
wants to 'take a break' after dating you for four months,
what that usually means is he feels overwhelmed by
your interest and intensity. It also means that, because
he knows exactly how you feel, he doesn't find you
intriguing or challenging. He feels slightly bored or too
comfortable, not excited about you. He may even be
annoyed that you made the pursuit too easy.
We advised Jennifer not to call or write to Mark -- she was thinking about sending him an 'I'm here for you when you're ready' card. We suggested that she go away
with a friend on a singles holiday and take other actions
to meet men, so she was busy and not waiting by the
phone for Mark to call, or too eager when he did call.

257We told her that if and when Mark called that she
sound light and breezy and not bring up their last serious
talk, but to turn him down for a date if he asked by nicely
saying, 'Gosh, I'd love to, but the next couple of weeks are
no good.' We suggested she end the call in ten minutes
and simply say she was on her way out, if necessary.
The reason is, the only way Jennifer would ever
know if Mark loved her and couldn't live without her
was to let him miss her. Mark had to feel that she was
slipping away and only a declaration of love could win
her back. Jennifer agreed, since being with a man
who was 'not sure how he felt' after four months was
just too painful.
Since following this plan of action - dating others,
booking a trip to Club Med, turning Mark down for a
couple of dates - Jennifer called recently to report that
Mark was aggressively pursuing her. For the first time,
he sent her flowers and a romantic card that said, Miss
you terribly! Love, Mark.' He asked her in advance for
Saturday nights as he did when they first met. On the
first date since their break-up, Mark apologized by
saying, 'You know I wasn't sure how I felt before. I
guess I needed some time to think. Now I know, you're
the one!'
Rather than ask him to elaborate or turn that remark
into a serious talk, Jennifer simply smiled. She sent him
only one card since they reconciled -- a simple birthday
card, nothing scenic or too sweet. Three months later,
Mark proposed. Jennifer is sold on The Rules and
telling all her single friends to try them.


258Barbara N.'s story, Athens, Ohio

When she stopped being friends' with men, She got a friend for
life, a husband!

After reading The Rules, Barbara, a twenty-nine-year
old social worker, called us to seek advice. She
confessed that her big downfall is becoming close
friends with men on the rebound or men who want to
talk about their girlfriends and get her advice, and then
falling in love with them and getting hurt. Barbara was
always caught up in some three-way relationship -- waiting for a man to be dumped by the girl he really
liked, or playing second fiddle to another girl. In other
words, she was constantly accepting crumbs
(Thursday night dates and Monday lunches). It was
always the same story: These men thought Barbara
was nice and sweet, but they never thought about
marrying her.
When we told Barbara to stop being friends with
men and to quit playing therapist to their relationship
woes, she argued that she valued male friendships
because she liked to know how men think to help her
date better. We told her that all the dating help she
needed was contained in The Rules and that her future
husband would be her best friend. But until then, men
should not be her bosom buddies.
We put Barbara on a plan of not getting into any
deep conversations with men about relationships -- theirs, hers or anyone else's. We knew this would be

259She was just good at helping Susan see her destructive
patterns.
At the suggestion of a girlfriend, Susan read The Rules, called us, and decided to give them a try. We
advised her that in addition to following The Rule,!, she
should be on the alert for men who are moody, critical,
or even difficult even if she was physically attracted to
them. This worked. For the first time in her life, she
began to date men who treated her well, complimented
her, and pursued her without much effort on her part.
For the first time, she -wasn't jumping through hoops to
please a man, but dating with self-esteem.
Susan finally met a really considerate guy, Alan. But
she wasn't sure if she liked Alan because he was nice or
because she really liked him. Susan was also not sure
she even wanted to get married again, but she did want
a Rules relationship. We encouraged her to write down
her feelings so she could see them in black and white
and analyse them more honestly.
Susan soon realized she was not really in love with
Alan, but simply forcing herself to love 'a good guy'
because he was treating her well, thanks to The Rules!
Susan concluded that she did not find Alan particularly
exciting, merely kind and considerate. She was just so
happy not to be mistreated that she tried to love him.
Sometimes when you do The Rules, you don't fall in
love, but you certainly don't get treated badly either!
Susan agreed with our assessment. And although it
was painful to break up with 'a good guy', she did it
anyway and started dating again. If you're anything

262like Susan, it bears repeating that The Rules are not
about settling -- that is, forcing ourselves to love a man
simply because he loves us or does all the right things,
like calling often and buying us flowers and so on. The
purpose of The Rules is to get the guy you are truly crazy
about to marry you.
We assured Susan that by doing The Rules on men
she truly liked, she would get the big payoff. She would
catch Mr Right. We were right. Susan has since met
Robert, who she thinks is really, really sexy, not just
nice. She thinks about him a lot and doesn't have to ask
anyone if he's Mr Right. He calls her almost every day
and makes her feel special.
Susan credits The Rules for changing her life. She
feels that following The Rules forced her to think more
highly of herself, to not accept just any treatment from a
man.
Susan joined a Rules support group -- about a dozen
women who meet every week in her neighbourhood to
discuss their particular dating situations and to support
one another. Susan recently announced to the group
that, after ten months, Robert proposed. He wanted to
live together as soon as they had got engaged, but she
refused, saying she was an old-fashioned girl, so he
moved forward the wedding date!

Stacey G.'s story, Houston, Texas

She discovered The Rules four years after she got married.
Better late than never!

263Stacey, a thirty-three year old secretary, found out
about The Rules a little late -- four years after she go
married! After reading the book, she craved a real Rules marriage. If anyone tells you they got married without
doing The Rules, keep in mind that The Rules are not just
about getting married, but having a great marriage and
a husband who is attentive and really crazy about you!
Indeed, The Rules would have saved Stacey much
heartache over the years! She met Neil, a cute stockbroker,
at a health club. Both are avid exercisers. He
approached her at the bicep machine, offered to show
her a couple of moves, and then asked her to go for
coffee after the workout.
So here we have a good Rules beginning -- he thought
she was beautiful and made the first move. But dazzled
by his good looks, Stacey readily said yes and that was
her first mistake. She was too eager, too available. She
should have said, 'Oh, I would love to, but I can't'
Remember, we don't go for coffee on a moment's notice!
This is not a game, it's because you value yourself and
your time. A man has to wait to spend time with you!
That started a year's worth of last-minute dates
because Neil realized he could see Stacey without
giving her advance notice. Quite often, Neil would ask
Stacey for a Saturday night date on a Friday afternoon.
She would cancel plans with her girlfriends, only to run
into Neil at the gym that Saturday afternoon and be
told, 'I'm not in the mood. I think I'll hang out with the
guys tonight.' She'd be crushed, but he was really cute and she thought this was the best way to 'get him'. If she


264wasn't always available, maybe he would think she
didn't like him, or worse, ask another girl who was
available! She'd cry to herself and her friends, but
hoped this would lead to marriage anyway.
This went on for about two years. Neil rarely treated
her well. After a romantic -weekend away together -- her
idea -- he said to her rather matter-of-factly, 'You know,
Stacey, I like you, but I'm not sure I'm ever going to
settle down. I like my freedom.' One Sunday afternoon
she came over and offered to make dinner. He said
'great' and then left her in the kitchen while he played
basketball with his friends. She cooked and cried while
he shot hoops.
Not knowing what to do about this going-nowhere
relationship, Stacey finally threatened to quit her well paying
job and share an apartment with her older sister
in another city. She didn't know she was doing The Rule,) - she wasn't even aware of the concept. She simply had
had enough and her sister suggested she give him an
ultimatum: either marry me or good-bye. She took the
advice. Afraid of losing her and feeling that she had
been such a good sport, Neil proposed.
Four years later, Stacey wished she had some of the
payoffs of a Rules marriage. For example, when they
went to a party, Neil was always leaving her side to talk
to strangers. At home, he was sometimes affectionate,
but didn't try to initiate intimacy. In general, he treated
her like good, old dependable Stacey -- the girl who
cooked while he played basketball - rather than a
creature unlike any other.

265We advised Stacey to study Rule 44: Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules and apply them from this day forward. For example, we told her
to wear more flattering clothes (she tends to dress
conservatively), to join a gym (she stopped exercising
after they got married), to leave his side and mingle
when they go to parties, not to initiate intimacy or
hand-holding, not to call him at work so often or leave
love notes on the refrigerator door. We suggested she
act a little more elusive - like the girl who threatened to
leave town. After all, it was not the 'good girl' Stacey
who cooked his dinner that made Neil propose, but the Rules part of Stacey that finally won him over.
Already Stacey has noticed a difference since
applying The Rules. Neil calls her more often from work
and is more attentive both at home and in public. He
recently surprised her by taking her to a romantic inn
for her thirty-third birthday. Once hopeless about
changing the course of her marriage, Stacey is now a
big believer in The Rules.



Amy D.'s story, San Diego, California /

This chronic Rule-breaker learned the hard way: moving to be
closer to a man makes him run the other way!

Amy, forty-three and divorced, felt she finally hit the
jackpot. After seven years of being single since her
husband left her and in relationships that didn't wind
up at the altar, she met Jack on a business trip. Amy

266and Jack worked at the same computer company but in
different offices -- she in San Diego, he in Minneapolis.
All employees were invited to corporate headquarters
in Chicago to learn a new software system.
Amy noticed Jack right away and sat next to him at
the seminar. Big mistake! Rules girls don't make things
happen. A man either notices us or he doesn't, sits near
us or he doesn't. Having more software experience than
Jack, she offered to give him a few pointers. That's a
common ploy smart women use to get a man to notice
them. Unfortunately, it never works! Trying to be a
gentleman, Jack took Amy out to dinner to say, 'Thank
you'. One thing led to another, a few drinks, and they
ended up sleeping together in his hotel room.
The fast and furious courtship continued after the
seminar was over. They E-mailed and called each other
constantly. He suggested she move in with him and try
to get a job in the Minneapolis office. The company
didn't have an opening in Minneapolis, but Amy quit
her San Diego job anyway to be with Jack. (How
many women have thrown away their careers and flats
for a man? Of course, they always live to regret it. Rules girls know better!)
The first month or so of living together was pure bliss -- he worked hard and she decorated and cooked while
looking for work, unsuccessfully. But by the second
month, the fun faded. Jack was annoyed that he was
supporting Amy. He stayed at the office later and later
and called at the last minute to say he wasn't coming home
for dinner. On weekends, he left her alone to play golf.

267Amy had no real friends in Minneapolis and became
increasingly depressed and lonely. She worked up the
courage to ask Jack what was going on. He told her
'things weren't working out as he expected' and to
move out as soon as possible. (When you don't do The
Rules men can be pretty cruel. They just want you gone,
yesterday!)
Devastated, Amy called a friend in San Diego who
offered her a couch to sleep on and a copy of The Rules. Amy read it in one sitting and wept, realizing all the
mistakes she had made with Jack (and with other men,
including her ex-husband). She spoke to Jack first and
sat next to him; she used her computer smarts as an
excuse to strike up a conversation; he wasn't really
interested in her, just her expertise; she slept with him
on the first date, which wasn't really a date, but simply
his way of thanking her for computer help. And worst
of all, she quit her job and left her family and friends to
move in with him.
After reading The Rules, Amy started attending Rules support group meetings, practised not initiating
conversations with men or helping them with business.
She recently met Bruce at a computer trade show in
New York City, where he lived. He approached her.
After talking for fifteen minutes, Amy told him she had
to get going, so he asked for her number. This was radically
new behaviour for Amy, who pre-Rules typically
told a man her whole life story right away. After the
show, Bruce called her, made a special trip to San
Diego to visit her, and sent her postcards in between

268visits for the first few months. After dating for eight
months, he proposed and said he would move to San
Diego.
Amy just can't believe it. This is the first time she
didn't have to make things happen with a man, the first
time she let a man do all the work ... and it worked!
They're planning a June wedding and she's keeping
her flat and her job. For a savvy business woman who
first thought The Rules were for 'other women' Amy is
now leading a Rules support group and loving it!
Do you have a Rules story? We would love to hear
how you are using The Rules to get engaged or married
or date successfully. Please write to us at:

The Rules
FDR Station,
P.O. Box 6047
New York, N.Y. 10150
U.S.A.

269
7
Answers to Frequently
Asked Questions About The Rules


Q: If I do The Rules how will he know the real me?

A: On dates you are yourself. There's a big difference
between being mysterious and being deceptive. You
don't lie, you just don't open up too fast. You don't
bring up subjects that would tip your hand, such as
marriage, the future, children, or feel you have to
answer questions that would reveal too much too soon
or make you uncomfortable.
For example, if he asks why 'a nice girl like you is not
married,'you can casually say, 'I really haven't thought
about it' and then change the subject. Don't say
anything depressing like, 'I haven't been on a date in six
years' or 'It's really hard to meet men.' Don't say
anything cynical like, I guess I'm just lucky.'
The point is, you don't have to answer every
question he asks you. Your dating history is none of his
business on the first, second or third dates. Realize that
if he really presses the issue, he probably is either not
that nice, or not that interested in you. When a man is 270

sinterested in you, he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable.
Don't worry, 'the real you' will definitely shine
through. Your conversation, your appearance, your
laugh - all of these are uniquely yours and will help him
to discover the creature unlike any other that is you.

Q: If I do The Rules how will he know I like him?

A: You say yes' when he asks you out by Wednesday
for Saturday night. You show up on the date -- you smile, you're warm and pleasant, fun to be with,
you thank him for a nice evening. That's how he knows
you like him.
Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to call
men or send them thank-you notes or buy them
presents for them to see that you are interested.
If you like him, but he calls too late in the week for
you to accept the date, you say, 'I'd love to, but I have
plans.' By saying 'I'd love to,' and declining nicely,
with genuine regret, he'll know you would actually like
to spend time with him, you're just busy. If he likes
you, he 11 call again. But next time it will be earlier in
the week.

Q: What do I do when a man gives me his business
card and says 'Call me?'

A: Look at the card as if no man has even given you one
before, smile and sweetly say, 'No thanks, I don't think so.'

271Rules girls don't call men and have no use for their
business cards or phone numbers. If a man is really
interested in you, he will then ask for your number.
Don't say, 'I don't call men. It's better if you call me.'
That's telling him what to do. He either asks for your
number on his own or he doesn't. You only want men
who want your number.

Q: What if a man leaves a message on your
answering machine on Wednesday? Can you call him
back to secure a weekend date?

A: In the first month of dating, it's best not to call him
back at all. This way he'll have to call again (at the
beginning of the following week) if he really wants to
see you. Better to lose one Saturday night date than
show too much interest and risk destroying a potentially
long-term relationship.
The first month should establish a pattern: he is
the hunter - calling you and calling you, if only to just
find you in! Better that he keep trying to pin you
down and not actually reach you in time for a
Saturday night date than your calling him back right
away and being readily available. By not calling back,
some women we know didn't actually have dates with
men for a month or so, but now they're married to
them. They set the chase in motion and created
longing.
Of course, if he calls you two or three times in one week and still gets your machine, a quick call back can

272be okay. Use your common sense. Remember, we said
you should rarely return his calls, not never!
After the first month, you can return his calls a day
or two later or call him occasionally (say, once for every
four of his calls), preferably when he's not home. If he
absolutely insists you call him, call once in a while so
that he doesn't think you're not interested.

Q: If a friend sets you up on a blind date and the date goes very well, do you call the friend to thank her
and to tell her you like him?

A: No, don't call the friend to thank her or express
interest in the person she introduced you to. This may
sound harsh or rude, but The Rules answer is to make a
mental note to do something nice for the friend in the
future. To call and tell is to kiss and tell. She'll either
inadvertently mention to him that you called or
possibly call him to tell him so, and he'll definitely interpret
it as a sign of interest in him. Let him call her to find
out what you thought of him. If your friend does ask,
you should keep your answer as evasive as possible.
For example, you can say, 'He seemed nice! We had
fun.' This is noncommittal but positive -- just the tone
you want to take.

Q: Do The Rules work on all men?

A: Fortunately, yes. The Rules work on all men from all
countries and from all walks of life. And that's actually

273a good thing. It means we don't have to rewrite The Rules for every nationality, or every time we meet a man
or figure out how the man we're dating is the exception to The Rules
We do not have to initiate relationships with shy
men' and only play hard to get with corporate titans.
We believe all men like a challenge and that men are not
shy when they see a woman they are attracted to. If
they don't make the first move, it's because there may
be no spark and they are simply not that interested!
The same man you think is shy will jump on a plane to
be with the woman he's crazy about. The same man
you've chased for five years and called 'commitment
phobic' will marry another girl in six months.
Women try to tell us otherwise. We've been told
some men are withdrawn and that's why women have
to approach them. We've been told some men are talkative,
so how can one get off the phone in ten minutes?
We've been told some men need women to mother them
because they didn't get enough attention or nurturing
as children. Yet these men do not necessarily marry
their nurturing' girlfriends, but the women who were
slightly aloof, laughed and didn't play saviour, the girls
who didn't care too much too soon.
That's why you should do The Rules even if you meet
a man in a relationship workshop or a programme
where feelings are freely discussed and defences are
down. A man is still a man and still likes a challenge even if he attends weekend seminars on self-improvement or
goes to Tibet for spiritual healing. That means that even

274if he 'opens up too fast' and talks about his feelings right
away, you should still be honest but mysterious'. The Rules supersede any philosophy, therapy, or religion he
may be involved in because he's a man before he's
anything else!
So rather than trying to figure out every man's ethnicity,
character, or upbringing, simply do The Rules on every man you meet. You will have plenty of time down the road to
be his salt of the earth, his Rock of Gibraltar, and his
soul mate when you're married!

Q: My problem is not The Rules, but finding men to
do them on. Any suggestions?

A: The Rules is not a guide to finding eligible men, but
how to behave once you've met them. But since so
many women have asked for help in meeting men, we'd
like to offer some suggestions.
Two thoughts to get you going: Your chances of
meeting a man greatly improve when you leave your
house, so get off the couch! And remember, you only
have to find one!
Also keep in mind that you shouldn't go out blindly,
but try to go to places that singles frequent, not married
couples and/or kids.
So why don't you try?

1.	Club Med or any singles holiday.
2.	Church or synagogue or other place of worship.
3.	Jogging in the park.

2754.	Joining a gym.
5.	Taking up a male-dominated sport such as golf, scuba diving, tennis or skiing.
6.	Putting a personal ad in a newspaper or magazine.
7.	Signing up with a dating service.
8.	Joining a ski house.
9.	Meeting friends for dinner at a trendy restaurant (where men hang out at the bar).

10.	Going to a lecture or book signing that would draw men.
11.	Taking a summer share in a house.
12.	Asking friends to fix you up (but don't be too aggressive about it!).

However, wherever you go, whatever you do, don't talk
to any man first, At or stand next to him hoping he'll
notice you.

Q: If I can't talk about my feelings or my past relationships
on dates, what can I talk about?

A: Sports, politics, your favourite books and movies,
museums, the Internet, work, weather and dining (the
restaurant, the meal, the ambiance). Dating is not a
therapy session - talk about subjects outside yourself.
There's a whole world out there!

Q: The book is so popular, what if a man asks you
point blank, 'Are you doing The Rules on me? Is that
why you don't call me?'

276A: You could say, 'What rules? and hope he thinks
you've never heard of the book and drops the subject.
Also remember, just because a man asks a question
doesn't mean you have to answer it. But if you feel
compelled to say something, you can say Actually, I'm
just not a big caller.' Before reading The Rules, you called
men more often, now you don't. We've all read advice
books that have deeply influenced us and incorporated
some of their ideas into our lives until it became who we
are. Now it's part of your personality to rarely call men!
(Besides, no one can prove you're doing The Rules

Q: How do I know if he's 'The One'?

A: If you are feeling ambivalent, we suggest you ask
yourself these questions: 'Do I like to kiss him? Can I
wake up with him for the rest of my life? Do I like his
voice, talking to him, the way he dances, the way he treats
people? Do I like the way he treats me? Do I like him as a
person?' The answers to these questions really matter on a day-to-day basis. You have to really like just be big with him! Of course, we cannot tell you how to feel about a
man, but it's best if you feel something like, 'Wow, I've
got to marry this man! I must be with him.' If you are
tortured, confused or have to make a list of his pros and
cons, it's not a good sign. If you're forcing yourself to
like him because he appears to be the proper match
(your mother loves him, your friends say he's perfect
for you, and he makes a good living) but he's not your
type, you may be settling. Trust your gut feelings! 277Q: I went out with a man who at the end of the date
said he had a great time and would call again. He
never called. Why? It's been a month. I thought I did The Rules. May I call him to find out what went
wrong?

A: Don't be surprised. We hear from many women
who have this happen to them. Some men are just being
polite when they say it. Some had a good time, but
didn't really want to go out with you again. A Rule,) girl
doesn't spend a whole lot of time trying to figure it out.
She moves on ...
We don't recommend calling him for an explanation.
It's simply not The Rules to chase a man or put him on the
spot. And what could he possibly say without hurting
your feelings? But if you absolutely must call, wait a
considerable amount of time until you're sure he's not
going to call you, then go ahead. Better to break The Rules with this (dead) man than with a real candidate.

Q: How can I meet his parents and friends before he
meets mine if he moved from L.A. to New York and
everyone he knows is on the West Coast?

A: Hold off for as long as possible from introducing
him to your family and friends before you meet his. If
he's truly in love, he'll probably tell his parents about
you and they may book a trip to New York to meet you.
Or, since he's living in New York he has probably
established his own 'New York family' -- close friends,

278his boss, co-workers - so at least wait until after he
introduces you to them.

Q: You have a date for Saturday night, but it's
Saturday afternoon and he still hasn't called to confirm. Do you call him and ask, 'What's up? Do we
still have plans?'

A: No, you act as if you knew you had a date, and be
dressed and ready to go when he does call or shows up
at your door. In other words, he should never know
that you wondered all day (and possibly all week!) if
you'd ever hear from him again. If he doesn't call and
forgot the date, don't call him. Just know that one day
he could forget your wedding date. Next!

Q: At a party, is it okay to make eye contact or smile
at a man?

A: You can look at him if he looks at you. By all means,
smile back if he smiles at you. You just don't initiate
anything, from flirting to standing in front of him to
make him notice you. On the other hand, you don't
have to look down to avoid his gaze if he stares at you,
or turn your back to him. You're polite, you just don't
pursue men! /

Q: I don't like to give out my home number to a man
I just met. Is it okay to take his number and call him?A: While we understand the safety reasons for not
giving a stranger your home number, we're not fond of
this approach. It throws off The Rules. How do you know he was really going to call you? Sometimes a man
doesn't know how to say, 'It -was nice meeting you.
Have a nice life.' Instead, out of politeness, he says,
'Can I have your number? Maybe we can get together
sometime.' You say, 'Well, actually, I don't give out my
number. Why don't you give me yours?' You call him
and feel justified in doing so. After all, he did ask for
your number. And then you wonder why the relationship
doesn't work out.
We suggest you try to figure out a way for men to get
in touch with you first - whether it's by giving them
your work number or getting a personal voicemail
number - so that they can make the first move. That
way you keep your privacy, but you can still do The Rules Of course, if there is no other way, try to wait a
week before you call him. But keep in mind, even if you
call him, he must still be the one to ask you out. If he
hasn't done so within ten minutes, end the conversation
and move on. If you do go on a date, and after spending
several hours with him you still feel uncomfortable
giving him your number, you probably have reservations
about him and might want to move on to someone
you do feel comfortable giving your number to.

280
8
Last But Not Least
32 Extra Hints


1.	When he asks you out, silently count to five before saying yes. It will make him nervous and that's
good!
2.	Don't call him even when you feel mean about not calling him. If he loves you, he'll call anyway. When
he asks you to call him, call him once. Do the
absolute minimum!
3.	When he asks you out for ice cream, a drink or to a football game when you wish you were going out
for a fancy dinner, say 'Sure!' Remember, you're
hard to get but easy to be with! You'll go to an
expensive restaurant another time.
4.	When walking down the street, drop hid hand first, ever so slightly.
5.	The Rules are written in stone, but how you do them will depend on your temperament. If you're an
overly nice, gushy girl, do The Rules like boot camp.
The stricter, the better, that is never call him or
return his phone calls very infrequently. But if
you're already cool or aloof by nature, be extra
281sweet when you do The Rules Call him once for
every five times he calls you. Be affectionate. As
long as you're not asking him out or moving in or
bringing up marriage, you can show him you like
him a little more on each date.
6.	If he's being a bad boy, taking you for granted or you want to shake things up to make him propose
faster, book a trip for a week. If things are going
well but you still want to a make him miss you, plan
a weekend away with a girlfriend. Tell him a week
before you go, in a very innocent, sweet voice, that
you're going to Barcelona with your girlfriend to get
a tan and relax. 'Nothing serious, just some R & R.'
7.	If you are unsure about him, double date with a Rules-minded friend. She will tell you whether he's
planning to marry you or not.
8.	Even men who are in love with you and want to marry you will occasionally say things to irk you or
make you nervous, such as, I'll take you there if
we're still seeing each other next year ... you know
how relationships go.' Don't get paranoid, just
ignore him. Most girls would make a big fuss about
it and get mad. Rules girls stay calm when men tease
them.
9.	Don't let them know you're afraid to be alone, to be without a man. Women who let men know how
much they need to be with someone invite bad
behaviour. Then he knows you'll put up with
anything not to be alone.

28210.	Don't get angry if he's taking longer than you'd like to propose. Most women want to be proposed to yesterday. Whatever you do, don't blow up at him
and press the issue. You've waited this long, hang
in there. If you're doing The Rules, it will happen!
11.	Don't get sloppy about your looks. Continue to exercise. Men don't leave women who put on
twenty pounds after the wedding or the first baby,
but if you want your fiance or husband to keep
drooling over you, keep fit.
12.	Read the newspaper and books so you can talk to your life partner about things other than your work
issues or dirty nappies. Men want wives who can
fulfil them mentally as well as physically and
emotionally.
13.	You just found out about The Rules but you're already in a relationship. What can you do? Start
doing The Rules today! Yes, you can do The Rules midstream. Starting right now, don't call him, don't
beep him, and don't stay on the phone for more
than ten minutes when he calls you. If you are
seeing him every night, see him only once or twice a
week. If he asks why, you're busy, busy, busy! If he
asked you to go away for a week, tell him you can
only go away for a three-day weekend --your job is
hectic, that kind of thing. If you're living "with him
but you don't have an engagement ring or a
wedding date, start looking in the real-estate
section of the newspaper for a flat. Get the idea?
Whatever you're doing, cut back. If you're giving 283

too much or losing yourself, pull away and see what
happens!
14.	On dates or in phone conversations, don't use the words 'nurturing', 'relationships', 'bonding' or talk
about getting your needs met. You don't want to
sound like a walking relationship book. In the early
stages of dating, staying light is essential.
15.	Make sure whatever message you record on your answering machine is sensible and in good taste, not
outlandish. In the course of returning hundreds of
women's phone calls, we have heard pretty crazy
stuff -- everything from wild cowboy music to the
lyrics of very sensual songs to special holiday greetings.
Outrageous messages show that you are trying
too hard and that can easily alarm or turn off some
men. You don't have to express your creativity on
your answering machine. Err on the conservative
side. A pleasant message is usually the best, something
like: 'Hi, You've reached Karen. I can't come
to the phone right now. Please leave a message.'
16.	Don't be jealous if your boyfriend's or husband's ex-girlfriend calls him or sends him letters. As long
as he's not initiating the calls and letters, you have
nothing to worry about. No one can take away
what's yours.
17.	If you're on the phone and he calls on the other line, do not get off the phone every time for him. You
don't want to seem too interested or the kind or
woman that will cut short an important call with a
friend or business associate the second a man calls.


284Just tell him, 'Oh, I'm on the other line. Can you
call me back in ten minutes for whatever time is
convenient for you] ?' That way you don't have to
call him and he calls you again, but make sure to be
available when he calls back.
18.	Don't send a man letters, brochures or newspaper/magazine
clippings that you think they'd be
interested in. Tell a friend that you were going to
send them these items and then throw them away.
Men can find this kind of attention too intense.
Sometimes they don't even acknowledge it or
bother to thank you. You might think they're rude
or didn't receive the material. The real reason is you
overwhelmed them!
19.	If you think a man is doing The Rules on you because he's pulling back, ending the calls and
dates first -- he probably isn't. He may just not be
that crazy about you. When a man loves you, he
just wants to be with you. If he doesn't seem to be
pursuing you, he probably isn't really interested.
20.	If you are doing The Rules, but aren't getting any dates, the problem may not be The Rules. (In other
words, don't use this as an excuse to ask men out.)
You must either go out more often -- try personal
ads and dating services - or consider improving
your appearance, if necessary. Try wearing contact
lenses instead of glasses, try working out more or
eating less if you're not in great shape or updating
your wardrobe. Keep working on yourself, look
your best and then men will come!

28521. Now that The Rules is a best-seller, a man might
have heard of it and think you are doing The Rules on him. Not to worry. Even if he does suspect
you're doing The Rules, it won't reverse its effectiveness.

22.	How to compete with all the Rules girls out there? You don't, except to keep doing The Rules. When a
man likes you, he likes you.
23.	Remember to say 'please' and 'thank you' on dates as "well as to friends, family members and business
associates. Rules girls are a refreshing breed -- they're polite! They value themselves and the
people they come in contact with.
24.	The first or second date can be a Thursday or any week night. But the third date should be a Saturday
night.
25.	Remember, if he's attracted to you and you're quiet on the date, he thinks you're not a big talker. If
you're not his type, he thinks you're boring. This
just goes to show you, you don't have to try too
hard.
26.	If he's dating others, you should date others as well. We're not exclusive until he wants to be exclusive
and he brings it up.
27.	Try not to speak to him every day. If you're following The Rules, you're seeing him once or twice a week for
the first month or two. But what if he's calling every
day or several times a day, just to chat? What if he
beeps you every day? Should you speak to him every
time? No, you shouldn't be that accessible. Leave

286

your answering machine on at home sometimes and
say it's hard to talk at work. You don't have to return
his beeps -- let him get into the habit of beeping you
to let you know he's thinking about you without
necessarily getting a response. You should be busy
and mysterious. If you've been talking daily, talk
every other day (when he calls). The rest of the time,
he should get your machine. Let him miss you. If he
wants to talk to you several times a day, let him
marry you!
28.	Don't tell men you're doing The Rules. Do not explain or discuss The Rules with men and don't tell
them how to date. We've heard stories of women
who actually tell men, 'You have to call me by
Wednesday if you want to see me Saturday.' That's
not The Rules. That's revealing your hand; it's like
wearing a slip without a dress. The Rules answer is to
tell a man who calls late in the week, 'Thanks, but I
have plans.' He must figure out that if he wants to
see you on Saturday, he'll have to call you earlier in
the week. We can't make a man really interested in
us by telling him when to call. He either is or isn't.
You'll find out fast by doing The Rules.
29.	Don't go away with a man for a -week. Save it for your honeymoon! What if, after dating Mr Right
for a month or two, he invites you on a cruise or to
an exotic island for a week? The Rules answer?
You're busy and can't get away. Cruises and week
long holidays make men go backward! Things can
get hot and heavy when you see each other seven

287days a week, twenty-four hours a day. You might
act too wifey -- telling him to watch his fat intake
or giving him advice about a family or business
problem. He might be romantic on the trip, but pull
back when you return, saying he needs his 'space'.
You may not hear from him for a week or two. The
only big trip you should take is your honeymoon.
He can take you for an overnight or weekend trip
occasionally after dating you for three or four
months, but that's it!
30.	How to end a relationship or stop seeing someone you like but aren't crazy about? As soon as you're
sure he's not for you, just say, 'I think you're great,
but I just don't feel a spark' or 'I don't think this is
working out for me. It's not good for you to tie
yourself up with someone you don't love -- and it's
not good for him either. If he really cares about you,
you could end up leading him on and preventing
him from meeting someone else. That's not lair.
Remember, following The Rules saves you both a lot
of heartache.
31.	Don't have more than one drink on dates so that you do The Rules, end the dates first and, most
important, remember what happened!
32.	Remember, Cinderella ended the date first!

288