HTTX 1.7

Title: IDENTITY



IDENTITY

Milan Kundera was born in 1929 in Czechoslovakia and since 1975 has been
living in France.


by the same author

fiction
THE JOKE
LAUGHABLE LOVES
LIFE IS ELSEWHERE
FAREWELL WALTZ
(earlier translation: the farewell party)
THE BOOK OF LAUGHTER AND FORGETTING
THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING
IMMORTALITY
SLOWNESS

non-fiction
THE ART OF THE NOVEL TESTAMENTS BETRAYED

play
JACQUES AND HIS MASTER


Translated from the French by Linda Asher

ff

faber and faber


This edition published 1998 by Faber and Faber Limited 3 Queen Square wcin
3AU This open market edition first published in 1998

Originally published in France under the title I/identity

Photoset by Avon Dataset Ltd Printed and bound in Great Britain by Mackays of
Chatham plc, Chatham, Kent.

All rights reserved

© Milan Kundera, 1998 Translation © Linda Asher, 1998

Milan Kundera is hereby identified as the author of this work in accordance
with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 in 1929 in Czechoslovakia and since 1975 has been
living in France.


by the same author

fiction
THE JOKE
LAUGHABLE LOVES
LIFE IS ELSEWHERE
FAREWELL WALTZ
(earlier translation: the farewell party)
THE BOOK OF LAUGHTER AND FORGETTING
THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING
IMMORTALITY
SLOWNESS

non-fiction
THE ART OF THE NOVEL TESTAMENTS BETRAYED

play
JACQUES AND HIS MASTER


Translated from the French by Linda Asher

ff

faber and faber


This edition published 1998 by Faber and Faber Limited 3 Queen Square wcin
3AU This open market edition first published in 1998

Originally published in France under the title I/identity

Photoset by Avon Dataset Ltd Printed and bound in Great Britain by Mackays of
Chatham plc, Chatham, Kent.

All rights reserved

© Milan Kundera, 1998 Translation © Linda Asher, 1998

Milan Kundera is hereby identified as the author of this work in accordance
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade
or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the
publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in
which it is published and without a similar condition including this
condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN-0-571-19635-7

468 10 9753



1

A hotel in a small town on the Normandy coast, which they found in a
guidebook. Chantal got there Friday night and would spend a night alone,
with­out Jean-Marc, who was to join her on Saturday around noon. She left a
small valise in the room, went outside, and, after a short stroll through
un­familiar streets, returned to the hotel's own dining-room. At
seven-thirty, the restaurant was still empty. She sat down at a table and
waited for someone to notice her. At the far side of the room, near the door
to the kitchen, two waitresses were deep in dis­cussion. Since she hated to
raise her voice, Chantal got up, crossed the room, and stopped beside them;
but they were too absorbed by their topic: 'I'm telling you, ifs ten years
already. I know them. Ifs terrible. And there's not a trace. None. It was on
TV.' The other one: 'What could have happened to him?' 'Nobody can even
imagine. And that's what's hor­rible.' 'A murder?' "They looked everywhere.'
'A kidnapping?' 'But who would do that? And why? He wasn't a rich guy, or
important. They showed them all on TV. His children, his wife. Ifs
heart­breaking. Do you realize?'

Then she noticed Chantal: 'You know that programme on TV about people who've
disappeared? Lost to Sight, ifs called.'

'Yes/ said Chantal.

'Maybe you saw what happened to the Bourdieu family. They're from here.'

'Yes, ifs awful/ said Chantal, unsure how to turn talk of a tragedy to the
mundane issue of food.

'You want dinner,' said the other waitress finally.

'Yes.'

'I'll get the head waiter. Take a seat.'

Her colleague went on: 'Can you imagine, someone you love disappears and you
never find out what happened to him! It could drive you insane!'

Chantal returned to her table; it took five minutes for the head waiter to
come over; she ordered a cold meal, very simple; she didn't like to eat
alone; ah, how she hated that, eating alone!

She sliced the ham on her plate and could not still the thoughts the
waitresses had stirred up in her: in a world where our every move is
monitored and recorded, where in department stores cameras watch you, where
people constantly jostle you, where a person cannot even make love without
being quizzed the next day by researchers and poll-takers ('Where do you
make love?' 'How many times a week?' 'With or without a condom?'), how is it
possible that someone could slip out of sur­veillance and disappear without
a trace? Yes, she certainly does know that programme with its terrify­ing
title. Lost to Sight, the only programme that undoes her with its
genuineness, its sadness, as if an intervention from some other realm has
forced television to give up all its frivolity; in grave tones, the host
appeals to the audience to come forward with any evidence that could help
find the missing person. At the end of the programme they show pictures, one
after the other, of all the Lost to Sight people discussed in the previous
programmes; some have been unfindable for as long as eleven years.

She imagines losing Jean-Marc that way someday. Never knowing, reduced to
imagining anything and everything. She could not even kill herself, because
suicide would be a betrayal, a refusal to wait, a loss of patience. She
would be condemned to live until the end of her days in unrelenting horror.

2

She went up to her room, fell asleep with difficulty, and woke in the middle
of the night after a long dream. It was populated exclusively by figures
from her past: her mother (long dead) and, mainly, her former husband (she
had not seen him for years, and he looked different, as if the director of
the dream had made a bad casting choice); he was there with his overbearing,
energetic sister, and with his new wife (Chantal had never seen her;
nonetheless, in the dream, she had no doubt about her identity); at the end,
he made Chantal some vague erotic propositions, and his new wife kissed her
hard on the mouth and tried to slip her tongue between Chantal's lips.
Tongues licking each other had always disgusted her. In fact, that kiss was
what woke her up.
Her discomfort from the dream was so extreme that she went to some effort to
figure out the reason for it. What troubled her so, she thinks, is the
dream's effect of nullifying the present. For she is passionately attached
to her present; nothing in the world would induce her to trade it for the
past or the future. That is why she dislikes dreams: they impose an
unacceptable equivalence among the various periods of the same life, a
levelling contemporaneity of everything a person has ever experienced; they
discredit the present by denying it its privileged status. As in that
night's dream: it obliterated a whole chunk of her life: Jean-Marc, their
shared apartment, all the years they've spent to­gether; in its place the
past came lumbering in, people she broke off with long ago and who tried to
capture her in the net of a banal sexual seduction. She felt on her mouth
the wet lips of a woman (not an ugly woman - the dream's director had been
fairly demanding in his choice of actress), and the sensation was so
disagreeable that in the middle of the night she went to the bathroom to
gargle and wash out her mouth for a long time.

3

F. was a very old friend of Jean-Marc's, they had known each other since
school; they had the same opinions, they got along well, and they stayed in
touch until the day, several years back, when Jean-Marc suddenly and
definitively turned against him and stopped seeing him. When he learned that
F. was very ill in a hospital in Brussels, he had no wish to visit him, but
Chantal insisted he go.

The sight of the old friend was shattering: he still remembered him as he had
been at school, a delicate boy, always perfectly turned out, endowed with a
natural refinement beside which Jean-Marc felt like a rhinoceros. The
subtle, effeminate features that used to make F. look younger than his age
now made him look older: his face seemed grotesquely small, shrivelled,
wrinkled, like the mummified head of an Egyptian princess dead four thousand
years; Jean-Marc looked at his arms: one was im­mobilized with a needle
slipped into the vein, the other was gesturing broadly to emphasize his
words. In the past, watching him gesticulate, Jean-Marc always had the
impression that in relation to his little body F.'s arms were littler still,
utterly minuscule, the arms of a marionette. The impression was even
stronger that day because his baby gestures were so ill suited to the
gravity of his talk: F. was describing the coma that had lasted several days
before the doctors brought him back to life: 'You know all those accounts by
people who've survived death: the tunnel with a light at the end of it. The
beauty of the beyond drawing them on. Well, I swear to you, there's no
light. And what's worse, no unconscious­ness. You know everything, you hear
everything, but they - the doctors - don't realize it, and they say
everything in front of you, even things you shouldn't hear. That you're done
for. That your brain is finished.'

He was silent for a moment. Then: Im not saying my mind was completely clear.
I was conscious of everything but everything was slightly distorted, like in
a dream. From time to time the dream would turn into a nightmare. Only, in
real life, a nightmare is over soon, you start yelling and you wake up, but
I couldn't yell. And that was the worst of it: not being able to yell. Being
incapable of yelling in the midst of a nightmare.'

He was silent again. Then: 'I never used to be afraid of dying. Now, yes. I
can't shake off the idea that after death you keep being alive. That to be
dead is to live an endless nightmare. But that's enough. Enough. Let's talk
about something else.'

Before his arrival at the hospital, Jean-Marc had been sure that neither of
them would be able to dodge the memory of their break, and that he would
have to offer F. a few insincere words of reconciliation. But his fears were
needless: the thought of death had made all other subjects meaningless.
However much F. might want to move on to something else, he continued to
talk about his suffering body. The account plunged Jean-Marc into depression
but stirred no affection in him.
4

Is he really so cold, so unfeeling? One day, some years back, he learned that
F. had betrayed him; ah, the term is far too romantic, certainly
exaggerated. All the same, he was upset by it: at a meeting held while
Jean-Marc was away, everyone attacked him, and this later cost him his job.
R was present at that meeting. He was there and he said not a single word in
Jean-Marc's defence. His tiny arms, which so loved to gesticulate, made not
the slightest move­ment for his friend. Not wanting to be wrong, Jean-Marc
took meticulous care to verify that F. really had kept silent. When he was
thoroughly certain, for a few minutes he felt immensely wounded; then he
decided never to see F. again; and immediately thereafter he was gripped by
a sense of relief, inexplicably joyful.
F. was just finishing the report on his miseries when, after another moment
of silence, his little mummified-princess face brightened: 'You remem­ber
our conversations at school?'

'Not really,' said Jean-Marc.

'I would always listen to you as my authority when you talked about girls.'

Jean-Marc tried to recall, but his memory yielded no trace of the long-ago
conversations: 'What could I have had to say about girls? I was a
sixteen-year-old twerp.'

'I can see myself standing there in front of you,' F. went on, 'saying
something about girls. You remember, it always used to shock me that a
beauti­ful body could be a secretion machine; I told you I could hardly
stand to see a girl wipe her nose. And I can see you now; you stopped, you
looked at me hard, and you said in an oddly experienced tone, sincere, firm:
"Wipe her nose? For me all it takes is seeing how her eye blinks, seeing
that movement of the eyelid over the cornea, and I feel a disgust I can
barely control." You remember that?'

'No,' answered Jean-Marc.

'How could you forget? The movement of the eyelid. Such a strange idea!'

But Jean-Marc was telling the truth; he did not remember. Besides, he was not
even trying to search his memory. He was thinking about something else: this
is the real and the only reason for friendship: to provide a mirror so the
other person can con­template his image from the past, which, without the
eternal blah-blah of memories between friends, would long ago have
disappeared.

"The eyelid. You really don't remember that?'

'No,' said Jean-Marc, and then to himself, silently: so you just won't
understand that I don't give a damn about the mirror you're holding out to
me?

Fatigue had come over F., who fell silent as if the eyelid memory had
exhausted him.

'You should sleep,' said Jean-Marc, and he stood up.

As he left the hospital, he felt an irresistible yearning to be with Chantal.
If he had not been so worn out he would have left on the spot. On his way to
Brussels, he had imagined having an elaborate breakfast the next morning and
getting on the road when he felt like it, in no rush. But after the
encounter with R, he set his travel dock for five a.m.

5

Tired after a bad night, Chantal left the hotel. On her way towards the
shore, she kept coming across weekend tourists. Every cluster of them
presented the same pattern: the man was pushing a pram with a baby in it,
the woman was walking beside him; the man's expression was meek, solidtous,
smiling, a bit embarrassed, and endlessly willing to bend over the child,
wipe its nose, soothe its cries; the woman's expression was blase, distant,
smug, sometimes even (inexplicably) spiteful. This pattern Chantal saw
repeated in several variants: the man alongside a woman was pushing the pram
and also carrying another baby on his back, in a spedally made carrier; the
man alongside a woman was pushing the pram, carrying one baby on his
shoulders and another in a belly-sack; the man alongside a woman had no pram
but was holding one child by the hand and carrying three others, on his
back, his belly and his shoulders. And finally, with no man, a woman was
pushing the pram; she was doing it with a force unseen in the men, such that
Chantal, walking on the same pavement, had to leap out of her way at the
last moment.

Chantal thinks: men have daddified themselves. They aren't fathers, they're
just daddies, which means: fathers without a father's authority. She
imagines trying to flirt with a daddy pushing a pram with one baby inside it
and carrying another two babies on his back and belly. Taking advantage of a
moment when the wife stopped at a shop window, she would whisper an
invitation to the husband. What would he do? Could the man transformed into
a baby-tree still turn to look at a strange woman? Wouldn't the babies
hanging off his back and his belly start howling about their carrier's
disturbing movement? The idea strikes Chantal as funny and puts her in a
good mood. She thinks to herself: I live in a world where men will never
turn to look at me again.

Then, along with a few morning strollers, she found herself on the sea wall:
the tide was out; before her the sandy plain stretched away over a
kilometre. It was a long time since she had come to the Normandy coast, and
she was unfamiliar with the activities in fashion there now: kites and
sand-yachts. The kite: a coloured fabric stretched over a formidably tough
frame, let loose into the wind; with the help of two lines, one in each
hand, a person forces different directions on it, so that it climbs and
drops, twists, emits a dreadful noise like a gigantic horsefly and, from
time to time, nose first, falls into the sand like an aeroplane crashing.
She was surprised to see that the owners were neither children nor
adolescents but adults, almost all of them. And never women, always men. In
fact, they were the daddies! The daddies without the children, the daddies
who had managed to escape their wives! They didn't run off to mistresses,
they ran off to the beach, to play!

Again the notion of a treacherous seduction struck her: she would come up
behind the man holding the two lines and watching the noisy flight of his
toy with his head thrown back; into his ear she would whisper an erotic
invitation in the lewdest words. His reaction? She hadn't a doubt: without
glancing at her he would hiss: 'Leave me alone, I'm busy!'

Ah, no, men will never turn to look at her again. She returned to the hotel.
But in the parking bays outside the lobby, she spotted Jean-Marc's car. At
the desk, she learned that he had arrived at least a half-hour before. The
receptionist handed her a message: 'I got here early. I'm going out to look
for you. J.-M.'

'He's gone to look for me,' Chantal murmured. 'But where?'

"The gentleman said you were sure to be on the beach.'

6

Walking towards the beach, Jean-Marc passed a bus stop. The only person there
was a girl in jeans and a T-shirt; without much ardour but nonetheless quite
unmistakably, she was writhing her hips as if she were dancing. When he was
very dose, he saw her gaping mouth: she was yawning lengthily, insatia­bly;
the great open hole was rocking gently atop the mechanically dancing body.
Jean-Marc thought: she's dancing and she's bored.

He reached the sea wall; down below, on the beach, he saw men with their
heads thrown back releasing kites into the air. They were doing it with
passion, and Jean-Marc recalled his old theory: there are three kinds of
boredom: passive boredom: the girl dancing and yawning; active boredom:
kite-lovers; and rebellious boredom: young people bum-ing cars and smashing
shop windows.

Farther along the beach, children twelve to four­teen years old, their little
bodies buckling beneath big coloured helmets, were clustered around some odd
vehicles: on a cross formed by two metal bars are set one wheel in front and
two behind; in the centre is a long low box for a body to slide into and
stretch out; above it rises a mast with a sail. Why are the children
helmeted? It must mean the sport is dangerous. Yet, Jean-Marc thinks, it's
mainly the strollers who are in danger from the machines driven by children;
why doesn't someone offer them helmets? Because people who decline organized
activities are deserters from the great common struggle against boredom, and
they deserve neither attention nor helmets.

He went down the steps to the beach and looked carefully along the ebbing
waterline; among the distant silhouettes he strained to make out Chantal;
finally he recognized her; she had just stopped to gaze at the waves, the
sailing boats, the clouds.

He walked past children whom an instructor was seating in the sand-yachts,
which then started to circle slowly. Other sand-yachts were speeding in all
directions around them. There's only the sail with its guide rope to keep
the vehicle straight and dodge pedestrians by swerving aside. But can an
amateur really control the sail? And is the vehicle really infallible at
responding to the pilot's will?

Jean-Marc watched the sand-yachts, and when he saw one heading at racing-car
speed for Chantal, he frowned. An old man lay in the thing like an
astro­naut in a rocket. Flat on his back like that, the man can't see
anything ahead of him! Is Chantal vigilant enough to keep clear? He railed
against her, against her overly offhand nature, and quickened his pace.

She turned half-way around. But she cannot have seen Jean-Marc, for her
demeanour was still slow, the demeanour of a woman deep in thought and
walking without looking about her. He would like to shout to her to stop
being so distracted, to pay attention to those idiotic vehicles running all
over the beach. Suddenly he imagines her body crushed by the sand-yacht,
sprawled on the sand, she is bleeding, the sand-yacht is disappearing down
the beach and he sees himself dash towards her. He is so upset by the image
that he really does start shouting Chantal's name; the wind is strong, the
beach enormous, and no one can hear his voice, so he can give over to that
sort of sentimental theatrics and, with tears in his eyes, shout out his
anguish for her; his face clenched in a grimace of weeping, for a few
seconds he is living through the horror of her death.

Then, himself astounded by that curious spasm of hysteria, he saw her, in the
distance, still strolling nonchalantly, peaceable, calm, pretty, infinitely
touch­ing, and he grinned at the comedy of bereavement he'd just played out,
smiled about it without self-reproach, because Chantal's death has been with
him ever since he began to love her; now he really did set off running,
waving to her as he went. But she stopped again, again she turned to the
sea, and she looked at the faraway boats without noticing the man flailing
his hand over his head.

Finally! Turning back in his direction, she seemed to see him; overjoyed, he
raised his arm again. But she paid him no heed and stopped again to look at
the long line of the sea caressing the sand. Seeing her now from the side,
he realized that what he had taken to be her chignon was a bandanna knotted
around her head. As he drew closer (his step sud­denly much less urgent),
the woman he had thought was Chantal became old, ugly, pathetically other.

7

Chantal had soon tired of looking at the beach from the sea wall, and decided
to go back and wait for Jean-Marc in the room. But she was so sleepy! So as
not to spoil the pleasure of their reunion, she decided to get a quick cup
of coffee. She changed direction and headed for a big concrete and glass
pavilion that housed a restaurant, a cafe, a casino and a few shops. She
entered the cafe; music struck her, very loud.

Irritated, she moved forward between the two rows of tables. In the large,
empty room, two men stared at her: one, young, leaning against the front
edge of the counter, in the black outfit of a cafe waiter; the other older,
brawny, in a T-shirt, standing at the back of the room.

Thinking to take a seat, she said to the brawny one: 'Can you turn off the
music?'

He took a few steps toward her: 'Excuse me, I didn't catch that.'

Chantal looked at his muscular, tattooed arms: a naked woman with very large
breasts and with a snake twining around her body.

She repeated (reducing her demand): "The music - could you turn it down?'

The man answered: 'The music? You don't like it?' and Chantal saw the younger
man, now behind the counter, turn the rock up louder.

The man with the tattoo was very near her. His smile seemed malicious. She
capitulated: 'No, I've got nothing against your music!'

And the tattooed man: 'I was sure you liked it. What will you have?'

'Nothing,' Chantal said. 'I just wanted to look around. You have a nice place
here.'

'Well then, why not stay?' says the young man in black from behind her, in a
disturbingly soft voice.

He has moved again: now he is positioned between the two rows of tables, in
the only pathway to the door. The obsequious tone of his voice has stirred
panic in her. She feels caught in a snare about to dose around her any
minute. She wants to act fast. To get out, she will have to go through where
the young man is barring her way. Like a person hell­ bent on her own
ruination, she moves towards the exit. She sees before her the young man's
sickly sweet smile and she feels her heart beating. Only at the last moment
does he step aside and let her pass.

8

Mistaking the physical appearance of the beloved for someone else's. How
often that's happened to him! Always with the same astonishment: does that
mean that the difference between her and other women is so minute? How is it
possible that he cannot distinguish the form of the being he loves most, the
being he considers to be beyond compare?

He opens the door to the hotel room. At last, there she is. This time,
without the slightest doubt, it is she, but not looking like herself either.
Her face is old, her glance strangely harsh. As if the woman he had been
waving at on the beach must, now and for evermore, replace the one he loves.
As if he must be punished for his inability to recognize her.

'What is it? What's a happened?'

'Nothing, nothing,' she says.

'What do you mean, nothing? You're completely transformed.'

'I slept very badly. I had almost no sleep. I've had a bad morning.'

'A bad morning? Why?'

'No reason, really no reason.'

'Tell me.'

'Really, no reason.'

He insists. She finally says: 'Men don't turn to look at me any more.'

He stares at her, unable to understand what she is saying, what she means.
She is sad because men don't turn to look at her any more? He wants to say
to her: And me? What about me? Me who goes searching for you for kilometres
on the beach, me who shouts your name in tears and who could chase after you
the length and breadth of the planet?

He doesn't say it. Instead, slowly, his tone low, he repeats her words: 'Men
don't turn to look at you any more. Is that really why you're sad?'

She flushes. She flushes as he has not seen her flush for a long time. That
flush seems to betray unconfessed desires. Desires so violent that Chantal
cannot resist them, and she repeats: 'Yes, men, they don't turn to look at
me any more.

9

When Jean-Marc appeared at the door of the room, she had every intention of
being cheerful; she meant to kiss him, but she could not; ever since her
stop at the cafe, she had been tense, edgy, and so deeply dug into her dark
mood that she feared any loving gesture she might try would come across as
forced and false.

Then Jean Marc asked her: 'Whafs happened?' She told him she had slept badly,
that she was tired, but she did not manage to convince him and he continued
to question her; not knowing how to escape that love inquisition, she
thought to tell him something funny; her morning walk and the men
transformed into baby-trees returned to mind and she came across the phrase
still lying about in her head like a little misplaced object: 'Men don't
turn to look at me any more.' She resorted to that phrase to avert any
serious discussion; she tried to say it as lightly as possible but, to her
surprise, her voice was bitter and melancholy. She could feel that
melan­choly plastered across her face and knew, instantly, that it would be
misinterpreted.
She saw him gaze at her, lengthily, gravely, and she had the feeling that
deep inside her body that gaze was touching off a fire. The fire was
spreading swiftly in her belly, rising into her chest, burning her cheeks,
and she could hear Jean-Marc repeat her words: 'Men don't turn to look at
you any more. Is that really why you're sad?'

She felt that she was burning like a torch and that sweat was pouring off her
skin; she knew this flush gave her phrase an exaggerated importance; he must
think that. by those words (ah, such innocuous words!) she had given herself
away, that she had shown him secret yearnings which now had her flushing for
shame; it's a misunderstanding but she cannot explain it to him, because
she's been acquainted with this fiery assault for some time already; she has
always refused to call it by its real name, but this time she no longer has
any doubts as to what it means, and for that very reason she will not, she
cannot, speak of it.
The wave of heat was a long one, and played itself out - the height of sadism
- right under Jean-Marc's eyes; she could not think how to hide, cover
herself, deflect the searching gaze. Deeply disturbed, she said the same
phrase again, in the hope that she could rectify what she had botched the
first time around, could manage to say it lightly, like a witticism, a
parody: 'Yes indeed, men don't turn to look at me any more.' No use, the
phrase echoed even more dolefully than before.
In Jean-Marc's eyes there suddenly flares a light she knows, which is like a
rescue lantern: 'And me? How can you be thinking about men not turning to
look at you when I go chasing endlessly after you wherever you are?'

She feels saved because Jean-Marc's voice is the voice of love, the voice
that in these moments of disarray she had forgotten existed, the voice of
love, which caresses and soothes her but for which she is not yet ready; as
if that voice were coming from far off, from too far off; she would need to
hear it for a good long while to be capable of believing in it.

That was why, when he tried to take her in his arms, she stiffened; she was
afraid to be clasped against him; afraid that her damp body would divulge
the secret. The moment was too brief and gave her no time to monitor
herself; and so, before she could suppress her gesture, timidly but firmly
she pushed him away.

10

That spoiled meeting which made them incapable of embracing, did it really
occur? Does Chantal still remember those several seconds of
misapprehen­sion? Does she still recall the phrase that upset Jean-Marc?
Barely. The episode has been forgotten like thousands of others. A couple of
hours later, they're lunching at the hotel restaurant and chatting merrily
about death. About death? Chantal's boss has asked her to give some thought
to an advertising campaign for the Lucien Duval Funeral Homes.
'We shouldn't laugh,' she says, laughing.

'What about them, are they laughing?'

'Who?'

"The people you work with. The idea is so obviously funny, an ad campaign for
death! Your boss/that old Trotskyite! You're always saying he's
intelligent.'

'He's intelligent all right. Sharp as a scalpel. He knows Marx, he knows
psychoanalysis, modem poetry. He likes to tell about how in the
nineteen-twenties, in Germany or somewhere, there was a movement for a
poetry of the everyday. Advertising, he claims, is realizing that poetic
project after the fact. It transforms the simple objects of life into
poetry. Thanks to advertising, everydayness has started singing.'

'What's intelligent about those platitudes?'

'His tone of cynical provocation when he says them.'

'Is he laughing or not laughing when he tells you to do an ad campaign for
death?'

'A smile that indicates a certain distance looks elegant, and the more
powerful you are, the more you feel an obligation to be elegant. But his
distant smile has nothing to do with laughter like yours. He's highly aware
of the subtle difference between them.'

'How does he put up with your laughter, then?'

'Please, Jean-Marc, what do you think? I never laugh. Don't forget, I've got
two different faces. I've learned to draw some pleasure from the fact, but
still, having two faces isn't easy. It takes effort, it takes discipline!
You have to understand that what­ever I do, like it or not, I do with the
intention to do well. If only so as not to lose my job. And ifs very hard to
be a perfectionist in your work and at the same time despise that work.'

'Oh, you can do it, you're capable of it, you're brilliant,' says Jean-Marc.

'Yes, I can have two faces, but I can't have them at the same time. With you,
I wear the scoffing face. When I'm at the office, I wear the serious face. I
get the resumes of people looking for work at our place. It's up to me to
recommend them or reject them. Some of them, in their letters, express
themselves in this perfectly up-to-date lingo, with all the cliches, with
the jargon, with all the required optimism. I don't need to see them or talk
to them to detest them. But I know that those are the ones who will do the
work well, and zealously. And then there are the ones who, in other times,
would certainly be going into philosophy, or art history, or teaching French
literature, but these days, for want of any­thing better, almost out of
despair, they're looking for work at our place. I know that in their hearts
they feel contempt for the job they're seeking and that therefore they are
my kinfolk. And I have to decide.'
'And how do you decide?'

'One time I recommend the person I like, the next time the person who'll do
good work. I behave half as traitor to my company, half as traitor to
myself. I'm a double traitor. And that state of double treason I consider
not a defeat but a triumph. Because who knows how long I'll still be able to
hold on to my two faces? Ifs exhausting. The day will come when I'll have
only one face. The worse of the two, of course. The serious one. The
acquiescent one. Will you still love me then?'

'You'll never lose your two faces/' says Jean-Marc.

She smiles and raises her wine glass: 'Lets hope not!'

They toast, they drink, and then Jean-Marc says: 'Actually, I almost envy you
doing advertising for death. Until my mother died, when I was twenty-nine, I
never saw death up close. And yet, I don't know why, since I was very young
I've always been fascinated by poems about death. I've learned lots and lots
of them by heart. I can recite some, you want me to? You can use them. For
instance, these lines from Baudelaire, you must know them:

'0 Death, old captain, it's time! Let's weigh anchor! This land bores us, 0
Death! Let's cast off!' 'I know that, I know that,' Chantal breaks in. 'It's
beautiful, but ifs not for us.'

'What do you mean? Your old Trotskyite loves poetry! And what better
consolation for a dying person than to say to himself: this land bores us? I
can imagine those words in neon over the cemetery gates. For your ads, you'd
only have to change them a bit: You're getting bored with this land. Lucien
Duval, the old captain, will help you weigh anchor.'

'But my job isn't to please the dying. They're not the ones who'll be calling
for Lucien Duval's services. And the living people who are burying their
dead want to enjoy life, not celebrate death. Keep this in mind: it is our
religion praise to life. The word "life" is the king of words. The king-word
surrounded by other grand words. The word "adventure"! The word "future"!
And the word "hope"! By the way, do you know the code name for the atomic
bomb they dropped on Hiroshima? "Little Boy"! That's a genius, the fellow
who in­vented that code! They couldn't have dreamed up a better one. Little
boy, kid, tyke, tot - there isn't a word that's more tender, more touching,
more loaded with future.'

'Yes, I see,' says Jean-Marc, delighted. 'It's life itself gliding over
Hiroshima in the figure of a little boy, dropping the golden urine of hope
onto the ruins. And thus was the post-war era inaugurated.' He takes up his
glass: 'Lefs drink to it!'

11

Her son was five when she buried him. Later, during the summer vacation, her
sister-in-law told her:

'You're too sad. You should have another child. That's the only way you'll
forget.' Her sister-in-law's remark wrenched her heart. Child: an existence
without a biography. A shadow rapidly fading into its successor. But she did
not wish to forget her child. She stood guard over his irreplaceable
individuality. Against the future she was guarding a past, the neglected and
disdained past that was the poor little dead child. A week later, her
husband told her: 'I don't want you falling into a depression. We should
have another child right away. Then you'll forget.' You'll forget: he didn't
even try to find another way to say it! That was the moment she decided to
leave him.
It was clear to her that her husband, a fairly passive man, was speaking not
for himself but for the more general interests of the family group dominated
by his sister. At the time, the woman was living with her third husband and
the two children born of her previous marriages; she had managed to stay on
good terms with her former husbands and to regroup them around her, along
with the families of her brothers and her cousins. Their huge gatherings
took place in an enormous country house, during school holidays; she tried
to bring Chantal into the tribe so that, bit by bit, imperceptibly, she
would become part of it.

There, in that big house, first her sister-in-law and then her husband
exhorted her to have another child. And there, in a little bedroom, she
refused to make love with him. Every one of his erotic invita­tions reminded
her of the family campaign for another pregnancy, and the idea of making
love with him became grotesque. She felt as if all the members of the tribe
- grandmothers, daddies, nephews, nieces, cousins - were eavesdropping on
them from behind the door, were secretly inspecting their bed-sheets,
evaluating their morning fatigue. They all assumed rights of scrutiny over
her belly. Even the little nephews were enlisted as mercenaries in the war.
One of them asked her: 'Chantal, why don't you like children?' 'Why do you
think I don't like children?' she responded curtly and coldly. He didn't
know what to say. Irritated, she went on: 'Who told you I don't like
children?' And the little nephew, beneath her severe gaze, answered in a
tone that was at once timid and assured: 'If you liked children you could
have some.'

When she returned from that holiday, she moved decisively: first she
determined to go back to work. Before her son was bom, she had taught in
high school. Since the work was poorly paid, she decided against resuming it
and chose instead a profession that she liked less (she loved teaching) but
mat paid three times as much. She felt guilty at betraying her own
inclinations for the sake of money, but this was the only way to obtain her
independence. To obtain it, nevertheless, money isn't enough. She also
needed a man, a man who would be the living example of a different life,
because though she yearned desperately to escape her earlier life, she could
not imagine another.

She was to wait a few years before meeting Jean-Marc. Two weeks after that,
she asked her astonished husband for a divorce. Her sister-in-law,
admiration mixed with hostility, called her the Tigress: 'You're
stock-still, nobody knows what you're thinking, and then you pounce.' Three
months later she bought an apartment and, dis­missing any notion of
marriage, moved into it with the man she loved.

12

Jean-Marc had a dream: he is worried about Chantal, he is looking for her,
running through the streets, and finally he sees her from behind, walking
off. He runs after her and shouts her name. He is no more than a few steps
away, she turns her head, and Jean-Marc is transfixed by the different face
before him, an alien and disagreeable face. Yet it is not someone different,
it is Chantal, his Chantal, he has no doubt of that, but his Chantal with a
stranger's face, and this is horrifying, this is unbearably horrifying. He
grasps her, holds her to his body, and, sobbing, he chants: 'Chantal, my
little Chantal, my little Chantal,' as if he hoped, by repeating the words,
to infuse this transformed face with its old vanished look, its vanished
identity.

The dream woke him. Chantal was no longer in bed, he heard the morning sounds
from the bath­room. Still in the grip of the dream, he felt an urgent need
to see her. He rose and went towards the half-open door of the bathroom.
There he stopped, and like a voyeur avid to steal a glimpse of some intimate
scene, he watched her: yes, it was his Chantal as he had always known her:
she was leaning over the basin, brushing her teeth and spitting out her
saliva mingled with toothpaste, and she was so comically, so childishly
focused on her business that Jean-Marc grinned. Then, as if she felt his
gaze, she pivoted about, saw him in the doorway, flared up, and ultimately
let herself be kissed on her still quite white mouth.

'Will you pick me up at the agency tonight?' she asked him,

At about six he came into the lobby, turned down the corridor, and stopped at
her door. It was ajar, as the bathroom door had been in the morning. Chantal
was in her office with two women, her colleagues. But this was no longer the
same woman as that morning; she was talking in a louder voice than he was
used to from her, and her gestures were quicker, brusquer, more imperious.
That morning, in the bathroom, he had recovered the being he'd lost during
the night, and now, in the late afternoon, she was changing again before his
eyes.

He went in. She smiled at him. But the smile was fixed, and Chantal almost
rigid. In France, over the past twenty years, kissing on both cheeks has
become an almost obligatory convention and, for that reason, painful for
people who love each other. But how can they avoid the convention when they
meet where others see them and they don't wish to seem a couple at odds?
Self-conscious, Chantal approached and offered him both her cheeks. The
gesture was artificial, and it left them with a false taste. They went out,
and only after a while did he see her again as the Chantal he knows.

It is always that way: between the moment he meets her again and the moment
he recognizes her for the woman he loves, he has some distance to go. At
their first encounter, in the mountains, he had had the luck to get away
alone with her almost immediately. If, before that one-on-one encounter, he
had spent much time with her as she was among other people, would he have
recognized her as the beloved being? If he had known her only with the face
she shows her colleagues, her bosses, her subordinates, would that face have
moved and enchanted him? To these questions he has no answer.
13

Maybe his hypersensitivity to such moments of alienation was the reason the
phrase 'men don't turn to look at me any more' affected him so powerfully:
saying it, Chantal was barely recognizable. That phrase was unlike her. And
her face, looking harsh, looking old, was unlike her too. His first reaction
was jealousy: how could she complain that men had lost interest in her when,
that very morning, he had been willing to get himself killed on the road for
the sake of being with her as soon as possible? But less than an hour later,
he came around to thinking:

every woman measures how much she's aged by the interest or uninterest men
show in her body. Wouldn't it be ridiculous to take offence at that? Still,
without taking offence, he did not agree. Because on the day they first met
he had already noted traces of slight ageing on her face (she is older than
he by four years). Her beauty, which struck him at the time, did not make
her look younger than her age; he might sooner have said that her age made
her beauty more eloquent.

Chantal's phrase echoed in his head and he imagined the story of her body: it
was lost among millions of other bodies until the day a look of desire
settled on it and drew it forth from the nebulous multitude; then the number
of such looks increased and set afire this body, which ever since has been
moving through the world like a torch; now is its time of radiant glory but
soon the looks will start to grow fewer, the light to dim little by little,
until the day when this translucent, then transparent, then invisible body
will pace the streets like a small itinerant non-being. On this journey from
the first invisibility to the second, the phrase 'men don't turn to look at
me any more' is the red light signalling that the body's gradual extinction
has begun.

However much he may tell her he loves her and thinks her beautiful, his
loving gaze could never console her. Because the gaze of love is the gaze
that isolates. Jean-Marc thought about the loving solitude of two old
persons become invisible to other people: a sad solitude that prefigures
death. No, what she needs is not a loving gaze but a flood of alien, crude,
lustful looks settling on her with no good will, no discrimination, no
tenderness or politeness - settling on her fatefully, inescapably. Those are
the looks that sustain her within human society. The gaze of love rips her
out of it.

With some remorse he recalled the dizzyingly headlong beginnings of their
love. He did not have to conquer her: she was conquered from the first
instant. Turn to look at her? No need. She was instantly with him, in front
of him, beside him. From the start, he was the stronger one and she the
weaker. This inequality was laid into the foundations of their love.
Unjustifiable inequality, iniquitous inequality. She was weaker because she
was older.

14

When she was sixteen, seventeen years old, she used to cherish a certain
metaphor; had she invented it herself, heard it, read it? no matter: she
wanted to be a rose fragrance, a pervasive, overwhelming fragrance, she
wanted to move thus through all men and, by way of the men, to embrace the
entire world. The pervasive rose fragrance: a metaphor of advent­ure. At the
threshold of her adult life, that metaphor unfolded like the romantic
promise of a sweet promiscuity, like an invitation to the journey through
men. But she was not by nature a woman bom to run through lovers, and this
vague, lyrical dream quickly fell dormant in her marriage, which started off
calm and happy.
Much later, after she had left her husband and lived several years with
Jean-Marc, she was at the seashore one day: they were dining outdoors, on a
wooden deck over the water; she retains an intense memory of whiteness: the
deck, the tables, the chairs, the tabledoths, everything was white, the
lampposts were painted white and the bulbs beamed a white light against the
summer sky, not yet dark, where the moon, itself white too, was whitening
everything around them. And in this bath of white she was struck by a
feeling of unbearable nostalgia for Jean-Marc.

Nostalgia? How could she feel nostalgia when he was right in front of her?
How can you suffer from the absence of a person who is present? (Jean-Marc
knew how to answer that: you can suffer nostalgia in the presence of the
beloved if you glimpse a future where the beloved is no more; if the
beloved's death is, invisibly, already present.)

During that moment of strange nostalgia at the seaside, she suddenly thought
of her dead child, and a wave of happiness flooded over her. Soon she would
be frightened by this feeling. But no one can do a thing about feelings,
they exist and there's no way to censor them. We can reproach ourselves for
some action, for a remark, but not for a feeling, quite simply because we
have no control at all over it. The memory of her dead son filled her with
happi­ness and she could only ask herself what that meant. The answer was
dear: it meant that her presence at Jean-Marc's side was absolute and that
the reason it could be absolute was the absence of her son. She was happy
that her son was dead. Seated across from Jean-Marc, she wished she could
say this aloud but did not dare. She was not confident of his reaction, she
feared he would see her as a monster.

She relished the utter absence of adventures. Adventure: a means of embracing
the world. She no longer wanted to embrace the world. She no longer wanted
the world. She relished die happiness of being adventureless and without
desire for adven­tures. She recalled her metaphor and saw a rose withering,
rapidly as in a time-lapse film until all that was left of it was a skinny
blackish twig, and disappearing for ever in the white universe of their
evening: the rose diluted in the whiteness.
That same evening, just before falling asleep (Jean-Marc was sleeping
already), again she remembered her dead child and the memory was again
accom­panied by that scandalous wave of happiness. She realized then that
her love for Jean-Marc was a heresy, a transgression of the unwritten laws
of the human community from which she was drawing apart; she realized she
would have to keep secret the exorbitance of her love to avoid stirring up
people's malevolent fury.

15

Mornings/ she is always the one to leave the apart­ment first and the one to
open the mailbox, leaving the letters addressed to Jean-Marc and taking her
own. That morning, she found two letters: one to Jean-Marc (she glanced
furtively at it: the postmark was Brussels), the other to her, but without
an address or a stamp. Someone must have brought it personally. She was a
little rushed, so she put it unopened into her purse and hurried towards the
bus. Once she was seated, she opened the envelope; the letter contained only
one sentence: 'I follow you around like a spy - you are beautiful, very
beautiful.'

Her first reaction was unpleasant. Without asking her permission, someone was
trying to intrude in her life, draw her attention (her capacity for
attention is limited and she hasn't the energy to expand it), in short, to
bother her. Then she told herself that after all it was unimportant. What
woman hasn't received such a message some time or other? She reread the
letter and realized that the woman seated beside her could read it too. She
put it back into her purse and glanced around her. She saw people in their
seats gazing distractedly out of the window at the street, two girls
exaggerating a laughing fit, near the exit a young black man, tall and
handsome, staring at her, and a woman deep in a book who probably had a long
trip ahead of her.

Usually, on the bus, she would ignore everyone else. This time, though,
because of that letter, she believed herself watched, and she watched too.
Was mere always someone staring at her, the way the black man was today? As
if he knew what she had just read, he smiled at her. What if he were the one
who wrote the message? She quickly rejected that idea as too absurd and rose
to get off at the next stop. She would have to slip past the black man, who
was blocking the way to the exit, and that made her uncomfortable. When she
was right near him, the bus braked, for an instant she lost her balance, and
the black man, who was still staring at her, guffawed. She left the bus and
said to herself: that wasn't flirting, that was mockery.

She kept hearing that mocking laughter all day long, like a bad omen. She
looked at the letter two or three times again in her office, and back at
home later, she considered what to do about it. Keep it? What for? Show it
to Jean-Marc? That would em­barrass her, as if she'd meant to boast! Well
then, destroy it? Of course. She went into the bathroom, and leaning over
the toilet, she looked at the liquid surface; she tore the envelope into
several bits, threw them in, flushed, but the letter she refolded and
carried into her bedroom. She opened the wardrobe and put the letter
underneath her brassieres. As she did this, she heard the black man's
mocking laughter again and thought that she was just like every other woman;
her brassieres suddenly looked vulgar and idiotically feminine.

16

Scarcely an hour later, coming into the house, Jean-Marc showed Chantal an
announcement: 'I found it in the mailbox this morning. F. died.'

Chantal was almost pleased that another letter, a more serious one, should
overshadow the silliness of hers. She took Jean-Marc by the arm and drew him
into the living room where she sat down facing him.

Chantal: 'You're upset after all.'

'No,' said Jean-Marc, 'or rather, I'm upset that I'm not.'

'And even now you haven't forgiven him?'

'I've forgiven him everything. But that's not the point. I told you about
that strange feeling of joy I had when I decided, back then, not to see him
any more. I was cold as an ice cube and that pleased me. Well, his death
hasn't changed that feeling at all.'

'You frighten me. You really do frighten me.'

Jean-Marc rose to get the bottle of cognac and two glasses. Then, after
swallowing a mouthful: 'At the end of my hospital visit, he began to
reminisce. He reminded me of what I must have said when I was sixteen. When
he did that, I understood the sole meaning of friendship as ifs practised
today. Friend­ship is indispensable to man for the proper function of his
memory. Remembering our past, carrying it with us always, may be the
necessary requirement for maintaining, as they say, the wholeness of the
self. To ensure that the self doesn't shrink, to see that it holds on to its
volume, memories have to be watered like potted flowers, and the watering
calls for regular contact with the witnesses of the past, that is to say,
with friends. They are our mirror; our memory; we ask nothing of them but
that they polish the mirror from time to time so we can look at ourselves in
it. But I don't care a damn about what I did in school! What I've always
wanted, since my early adolescence, maybe even since childhood, was
something else entirely: friendship as a value prized above all others. I
liked to say: between the truth and a friend, I always choose the friend. I
said it to be provocative, but I really thought it. Today I know that maxim
is obsolete. It might have been valid for Achilles as Patroclus' friend, for
Alexandre Dumas' musketeers, even for Sancho Panza, who was a true friend to
his master despite all their disagreements. But for us it isn't any more.
I've become so pessi­mistic that these days I'd even choose the truth over
friendship.'

He took another swallow: 'Friendship, to me, was proof of the existence of
something stronger than ideology than religion, than the nation. In Dumas'
book, the four friends often find themselves on opposite sides and thus
required to fight against one another. But that doesn't affect their
friendship. They still go on helping one another, secretly, cun­ningly,
without giving a damn for the truths of their respective camps. They put
their friendship above the truth, or the cause, or orders from superiors,
above the king, above the queen, above everything.'

Chantal caressed his hand and after a pause he went on: 'Dumas wrote the
story of the musketeers two hundred years after their time. Was he already
feeling nostalgia then for the lost universe of friend­ship? Or is the
disappearance of friendship a more recent phenomenon?'

'I can't answer that. Friendship isn't a problem for women.'

'What do you mean?'

'Just what I say. Friendship is a problem for men. Ifs their romanticism. Not
ours.'
Jean-Marc fell silent, swallowed a mouthful of cognac, and came back to his
thought: 'How is friendship born? Certainly as an alliance against
adversity, an alliance without which man would be helpless before his
enemies. Maybe there's no longer a vital need for such an alliance.'

"There will always be enemies.'

'Yes, but they're invisible and anonymous. Bureaucracies, laws. What can a
friend do for you when they decide to build an airport outside your windows,
or when they fire you? If anyone helps you, again ifs somebody anonymous,
invisible, a social-service outfit, a consumer watchdog organiza­tion, a law
firm. Friendship can no longer be proven by some exploit. The occasion no
longer lends itself to searching out your wounded friend on the
battle­field, or unsheathing your sabre to defend him against bandits. We go
through our lives without great perils, but also without friendship.'
'If that's true, that should have brought you to [ reconcile with R'

'I freely acknowledge that he would not have understood my reproaches if I'd
made them known to him. When the other people jumped on me, he kept quiet.
But I have to be fair: he considered his silence to be courageous. Someone
told me he even boasted of not knuckling under to the prevailing psychosis
about me and of not having said anything that could hurt me. So his
conscience was clear, and he must have felt wounded when, inexplicably, I
stopped seeing him. I was wrong to hope for more from him than neutrality.
If he had put himself on the line to defend me in that bitter, spiteful
world, he would have risked disgrace, conflicts, trouble for himself. How
could I demand that of him? Especially since he was my friend! That would
have been extremely unfriendlike of me! To put it another way:

it was impolite. Because friendship emptied of its traditional content is
transformed these days into a contract of mutual consideration, in short, a
contract of politeness. Well, ifs impolite to ask a friend for something
that could be embarrassing or unpleasant for him.'

'Well, yes, that's how things are. All the more reason why you should say it
without bitterness. Without irony.'

'I'm saying it without irony. That's how things are.'

'If hatred strikes you, if you get accused, thrown to the lions; you can
expect one of two reactions from people who know you: some of them will join
in the kill, the others will very discreetly pretend to know nothing, hear
nothing, so you can go right on seeing them and talking to them. That second
category, discreet and tactful, those are your friends. "Friends" in the
modem sense of the term. Listen, Jean-Marc, I've known that for ever.'

17

On the screen is a behind in horizontal position, good-looking, sexy, in
dose-up. A hand is caressing it tenderly, enjoying the skin of this naked,
compliant body. Then the camera pulls back and we see the body entire, lying
on a small bed: it is a baby, with its mother leaning over it. In the next
sequence she lifts him up and her parted lips kiss the lax, wet, wide-open
mouth of the nurseling. At that instant the camera draws in, and the same
kiss, by itself, in dose-up, suddenly becomes a sensual love kiss.

There Leroy stopped the film: 'We're always looking for a majority. Like the
candidates for presi­dent in an American election campaign. We set a product
within the magic circle of a few images likely to attract a majority of
buyers. In the search for those images, we tend to overvalue sexuality. I
want to alert you. Only a very small minority really enjoys sex.'

Leroy paused a moment to savour the surprise of the little gathering of
colleagues he called in once a week for a seminar around a campaign, a
television commerdal, a billboard. They had long been aware that what
flattered their boss was not their quick acquiescence but their
astonishment. For that reason, a refined lady, with many rings on her aged
fingers, dared to contradict him: 'All the polls say the opposite!'

'Of course they do,' said Leroy. 'If someone inter­rogates you, my dear lady,
on your sex life, are you going to tell the truth? Even if the person
doesn't know your name, even if he's asking his questions over the phone and
doesn't see you, you're going to lie: "Do you like to fuck?" "And how!" "How
often?" "Six times a day!" "Do you like dirty sex?" "Crazy about it!" But
all that is hogwash. When it comes to commerce, the erotic is a touchy
issue, because while everyone may covet the erotic life everyone also hates
it, as the source of their troubles, their frustrations, their yearnings,
their complexes, their sufferings.'

Again he showed them that sequence in the television commercial; Chantal
watches the wet lips touching the other wet lips in close-up, and she
realizes (ifs the first time she realizes it so clearly) that Jean-Marc and
she never kiss that way. She herself is amazed: is this true? have they
really never kissed like that?

Yes, they have. It was back when they still didn't know each other by name.
In the great hall of a mountain lodge, with people drinking and chattering
around them, they exchanged a few commonplaces, but the tone of their voices
made it dear that they wanted each other, and they with­drew into an empty
corridor where, wordlessly, they kissed. She opened her mouth and pressed
her tongue into Jean-Marc's mouth, eager to lick what­ever she would find
inside. This zeal of their tongues was not a sensual necessity but an
urgency to let each other know that they were prepared to make love, right
away, instantly, fully and wildly and without losing a moment. Their two
salivas had nothing to do with desire or pleasure, they were messengers.
Neither person had the courage to say outright and aloud, 'I want to make
love with you, right now, without delay,' so they let their salivas speak
for them. That is why, during their love-making (which followed their first
kiss by a few hours), their mouths probably (she no longer re- members, but
as time goes on she's nearly certain) held no further interest for each
other, did not touch, did not lick, and did not even register that
scan-dalous mutual uninterest.

Again Leroy stopped the commercial: "The issue is to find the images that
keep up the erotic appeal

' without intensifying the frustrations. That's what interests us in this
sequence: the sensual imagination is titillated, but then it's immediately
deflected into the maternal realm. Because intimate bodily contact, the
absence of personal secrecy, the blending of salivas aren't exclusively the
property of adult eroticism, they all also occur in the connection between
baby and mother, the connection that is the original paradise of all
physical pleasures. Incident­ally, somebody's filmed the life of a foetus
inside a pregnant woman. In an acrobatic contortion we could never imitate
for ourselves, the foetus was fellating its own tiny organ. You see,
sexuality is not the exclusive property of young, well-built bodies that
rouse bitter envy. The foetus's self-fellation will move every grandmother
in the world, even the sourest ones, even the most prudish. Because the baby
is the strongest, the broadest, the most reliable common denominator of all
majorities. And a foetus, my dear friends, is more than a baby - it's an
archbaby, a superbaby!'
And again he had them look at the commercial, and again Chantal experienced a
slight repugnance at the sight of two wet mouths touching. She recalled
hearing that in China and Japan the erotic culture has no open-mouth kiss.
The exchange of salivas is thus not an inevitable element of eroticism but a
caprice, a deviation, a specifically Western dirtiness.

The screening done, Leroy wound up: 'Mummy's saliva - that's the glue that
will bind the majority we mean to draw together and make into customers for
the Roubachoff brand.' And Chantal revises her old metaphor: it is not an
immaterial, poetic rose fragrance that passes through men but material,
prosaic salivas, which move with their army of microbes from the mistress's
mouth to her lover's, from the lover to his wife, from the wife to her baby,
from the baby to its aunt, from the aunt - a waitress - to the customer
whose soup she's spat in, from the customer to his wife, from the wife to
her lover, and from there to other mouths and to others still, so mat every
one of us is immersed in a sea of salivas that blend and make us into one
single community of salivas, one humankind wet and bound together.
l8

That evening, amid the noise of engines and homs, she went home exhausted.
Eager for silence, she opened the apartment-building door and heard
hammering and the shouts of workmen. The lift was out of order. Climbing the
stairs, she felt the detest­able wave of heat invade her, and the hammer
blows echoing throughout the lift shaft were like a drum-roll for that heat,
heightening and amplifying and glorifying it. Wet with sweat, she stopped
outside the apartment door and waited a minute so Jean-Marc would not see
her in that red disguise.

"The crematory fire is leaving me its visiting card/ she thought. The line
was not her own invention; it crossed her mind without her knowing how.
Stand­ing before the door, in the ceaseless racket, she repeated it several
times to herself. She did not like the line, whose ostentatiously macabre
style struck her as poor taste, but she could not shake it off.

The hammers finally fell silent, the heat began to subside, and she went in.
Jean-Marc kissed her, but as he was telling her some story, the hammering
began again, though the slightest bit quieter. She felt hunted, unable to
hide anywhere. Her skin still damp, she said with no logical connection:
"The crematory fire is the only way not to leave our bodies to their mercy.'

She saw Jean-Marc's startled look and realized the oddness of what she'd just
said; quickly she began talking about the television commercial she had seen
and what Leroy had told them, especially about the foetus photographed
inside the maternal belly. Who in his acrobatic position performed a kind of
masturbation so perfect that no adult could match it.

'A foetus with a sex life, imagine! It has no con­sciousness yet, no
individuality, no perception of anything, but it already feels a sexual
impulse and maybe even pleasure. So our sexuality precedes our
self-awareness. Our self doesn't yet exist,,but our lust is already there.
And, imagine, all my colleagues found this idea touching! They had tears in
their eyes over the masturbating foetus!'

'What about you?'

'Oh, what I felt was revulsion. Ah, Jean-Marc, revulsion.'

Strangely moved, she took him into her arms, clutched him against her, and
stayed that way for several long moments.

Then she went on: 'You realize that even in your mother's belly, which they
call sacred, you're not out of reach. They film you, they spy on you, they
observe your masturbation. Your poor little foetus-masturbation. You'll
never escape them while you're living, everybody knows that. But you don't
even escape them before you're bom. Just as you won't escape them after you
die. I remember something I read in the papers once: a person living in
exile under a grand Russian aristocratic name was sus­pected of being an
impostor. After he died, to thwart his daim to nobility, they dug up the
long-buried remains of a peasant woman who they said was his mother. They
dissected her bones, analysed her genes. I'd like to know what lofty cause
gave them the right to dig her up, the poor woman! To rifle her nakedness,
that absolute nakedness, the supra-nakedness of the skeleton! Ah, Jean-Marc,
all I feel is revulsion, nothing but revulsion. And do you know the story
about Haydn's head? They cut it away from the still-warm cadaver so some
insane scientist could take apart the brain and pinpoint the location of
musical genius. And the Einstein story? He'd carefully written his will with
instructions to cremate him. They followed his orders, but his disciple,
ever loyal and devoted, refused to live without the master's gaze on him.
Before the crema­tion, he took the eyes out of the cadaver and put them in a
bottle of alcohol to keep them watching him until the moment he should die
himself. That's why I just said that the crematory fire is the only way our
bodies can escape them. Ifs the only absolute death. And I don't want any
other. Jean-Marc, I want an absolute death.'

After a pause, the hammer blows resonated again in the room.

'Cremated, I'd be sure never to hear them again.'

'Chantal, whafs got into you?'

She looked at him, then turned her back, moved once more. Moved, this time,
not by what she had just said but by Jean-Marc's voice, heavy with con­cern
for her.

19

The following day she went to the cemetery (as she did at least once a month)
and stood at her son's grave. When she is there, she always talks with him,
and today, as if she needed to explain or excuse herself, she told him,
'Darling, my darling, don't think I don't love you or that I didn't love
you, but ifs precisely because I loved you that I couldn't have become what
I am today if you were still here. Ifs impossible to have a child and
despise the world as it is, because that's the world we've put the child
into. The child makes us care about the world, think about its future,
willingly join in its racket and its turmoils, take its incurable stupidity
seriously. By your death you deprived me of the pleasure of being with you,
but at the same time you set me free. Free in my confrontation with the
world I don't like. And the reason I can allow myself to dislike it is that
you're no longer here. My dark thoughts can't bring any curse down on you. I
want to tell you now, all these years after you left me, that I've come to
understand your death as a gift and that I've finally accepted that dreadful
gift.'

20

The next morning, she found in the box an envelope with the same unknown
handwriting on it. The letter hadn't the earlier laconic lightness. It read
like a lengthy legal deposition. 'Last Saturday/ her corre­spondent writes,
'it was nine-twenty-five in the morning, you left your building earlier than
other days. I usually follow you on your trip to the bus stop, but this time
you walked the opposite way. You were carrying a valise and you went into a
dry cleaner's. The woman there apparently knows you and perhaps likes you. I
watched her from outside:

her face brightened as if she'd wakened from a doze, you must have made some
joke, I heard her laugh, a laugh you'd provoked and in which I thought I
could make out a reflection of your face. Then you left, with your valise
full. Full of your sweaters, or of tablecloths, or bed linens? Anyhow, your
valise looked to me like something artificially added on to your life.' He
describes her dress and the beads around her neck. 'I'd never seen those
beads before. They are beautiful. Their red becomes you. It lights you up.'

This time the letter is signed: C. D. B. That in­trigues her. The first one
had no signature, and she could think that its anonymity was, so to speak,
sincere. Some unknown person saluting her and then immediately vanishing.
But a signature, even abbreviated, indicates some intention to make one­self
known, step by step, slowly, but inevitably. C. D. B., she repeats to
herself, smiling: Cyrille-Didier Bourguiba. Charles-David Barberousse.

She ponders the text: this man must have followed her in the street; 'I
follow you around like a spy,' he had written in the first letter; so she
should have seen him. But she observes the world around her with very little
interest, and did even less that day, since Jean-Marc was with her. And
besides, it was he and not she who had made the dry-cleaning woman laugh and
who was carrying the valise. She reads those words again: 'your valise
looked to me like something artificially added on to your life.' How was the
suitcase 'added on' to her life if it wasn't Chantal carrying it? The thing
'added on' ,to her life - isn't that Jean-Marc himself? Was her
correspondent trying, in an oblique way, to attack her beloved? Then, with
amusement, she recognizes the comedy of her reaction: she is capable of
standing up for Jean-Marc even against an imaginary lover.

Like the first time, she did not know what to do with the letter, and the
ballet of hesitation played itself out again in all its phases: she
contemplated the toilet bowl, where she prepared to throw it; she tore the
envelope into small bits and flushed them down; she then folded the letter
itself, carried it into her room and slipped it under her brassieres.
Leaning into the lingerie shelves, she heard the door open. She quickly
dosed the wardrobe and turned around: Jean-Marc is in the doorway.

He moves slowly towards her and looks at her as never before, his gaze
unpleasantly focused, and when he is very close he takes her by the elbows,
and holding her a step or so in front of him, he goes on looking at her. She
is flustered by this, unable to say a thing. When her discomfiture becomes
un­bearable, he clasps her to him and says, laughing: 'I wanted to see your
eyelid washing your cornea like a wiper washing a windscreen.'

21

Since his last encounter with R, he has been thinking about it: the eye: the
window to the soul; the centre of the face's beauty; the point where a
person's identity is concentrated; but at the same time an optical
instrument that requires constant washing, wetting, maintenance by a special
liquid dosed with salt. So the gaze, the greatest marvel man possesses, is
regularly interrupted by a mechanical washing action. Like a windscreen
washed by a wiper. And nowadays you can even set the tempo of the
wind-screen wiper in such a way that the movements are separated by a
ten-second pause, which is, roughly, an eyelid's rhythm.

Jean-Marc watches the eyes of people he talks to and tries to observe the
action of the eyelid; he finds that it is not easy. We are not accustomed to
being aware of the eyelid. He thinks: there's nothing I see so often as
other people's eyes, thus the eyelids and their movements. And yet I don't
register that movement. I delete it from the eyes in front of me.

And he goes on thinking: puttering in His work­shop, God stumbled on this
body form to which we must each become the soul for a short while. But what
a sorry fate, to be the soul of a body cobbled together so offhandedly,
whose eye cannot do its looking without being washed every ten, twenty
seconds! How are we to believe that the person we see before us is a free,
independent being, his own master? How are we to believe that his body is
the faithful expression of whatever soul inhabits it? To be able to believe
that, we've had to forget about the perpetual blinking of the eyelid. We've
had to forget the putterer's workshop we come from. We've had to submit to a
contract to forget. Ifs God Himself who imposed the contract on us.

But between Jean-Marc's childhood and his ado­lescence, there certainly must
have been a brief period when he wasn't yet acquainted with that commitment
to forget and when, dumbfounded, he would watch the eyelid slide across the
eye: he saw that the eye is not a window that shows the unique and
miraculous soul, but a jerry-built mechanism that someone set in motion back
in time immem­orial. This moment of sudden adolescent insight must have been
a shock. 'You stopped,' F. had told him, 'you looked at me hard, and you
said, in a tone that was oddly firm: "For me all it takes is seeing how her
eye blinks..." ' Jean-Marc had no recollec­tion of it. It was a shock
destined to be forgotten. And, indeed, he would have forgotten it for good
if F. had not reminded him of it.

Deep in thought, he returned to the apartment and opened the door to
Chantal's room. She was putting something away in her wardrobe, and
Jean-Marc wanted to see her eyelid wipe her eye, her eye that to him is the
window to an ineffable soul. He went to her, grasped her by the elbows, and
looked into her eyes; indeed, they were blinking, rather fast, even, as if
she knew she was being examined.

He saw the eyelid drop and rise, fast, too fast, and he wanted to
re-experience his own sensation, the sensation of the sixteen-year-old
Jean-Marc who found the ocular mechanism desperately disap­pointing. But the
abnormal tempo of the eyelid and the sudden irregularity of its movements
touched him more than they disappointed him: he saw the windscreen-wiper of
Chantal's eyelid as her soul's wing, a wing that trembled, that panicked,
that fluttered. The feeling was sudden as a lightning flash, and he clutched
Chantal to him.
Then he relaxed his grip and saw her face, flus­tered, frightened. He told
her: 'I wanted to watch your eyelid wash your cornea like a wiper washing a
windscreen.'

'I have no idea what you're talking about,' she said, her tension suddenly
gone.

And he told her about the forgotten memory his unloved friend had called up.

22

'When F. reminded me of the remark I'm supposed to have made in high school,
I felt I was hearing something completely absurd.'

'No, not at all,' Chantal answered. 'As the person I know, you certainly must
have said it. It all fits. Remember when you were studying medicine?'

He never underestimated the magic a man feels about the moment he chooses his
career. Fully aware that life is too short for the choice to be anything but
irreparable, he had been distressed to discover that he felt no spontaneous
attraction to any occupation. Rather sceptically, he looked over the array
of available possibilities: prosecutors, who spend their whole lives
persecuting people; schoolteachers, the butt of rowdy children; science and
technology, whose advances bring enormous harm along with a small benefit;
the sophisticated, empty chatter of the social sciences; interior design
(which appealed to him because of his memories of his cabinetmaker
grandfather), utterly enslaved by fashions he detested; the occupation of
the poor pharmacists now reduced to peddlers of boxes and bottles. When he
wondered: what should I choose for my whole life's work? his inner self
would fall into the most uncomfortable silence. When finally he decided on
medicine, he was responding not to some secret predilection but rather to an
altruistic idealism: he considered medicine the only occupation
incontest-ably useful to man, and one whose technical advances entail the
fewest negative effects.

The let-down was not long in coming, when in the course of the second year he
had to do his stint in the dissection room: he suffered a shock from which
he never recovered: he was incapable of looking squarely at death; shortly
thereafter he acknowledged that the truth was even worse: he was incapable
of looking squarely at a body: its inescap­able, unresponding imperfection;
the decomposition dock that governs its functioning; its blood, its guts,
its pain.

When he told F. of his disgust at the eyelid's move­ment, he must have been
sixteen. When he decided to study medicine, he must have been nineteen; by
then, having already signed on to the contract to forget, he no longer
remembered what he had said to F. three years before. Too bad for him. The
memory might have alerted him. It might have helped him see that his choice
of medicine was wholly theoretical, made without the slightest
self-knowledge.

Thus he studied medicine for three years before giving up with a sense of
shipwreck. What to choose after those lost years? What to attach to, if his
inner self should keep as silent as it had before? He walked down the broad
outside staircase of the medical school for the last time, with the feeling
that he was about to find himself alone on a platform all the trains had
left.

23

In an effort to identify her correspondent, Chantal discreetly but carefully
looks about her. At the corner of their street is a bistro: the ideal spot
for anyone who should want to spy on her; from there one could see the door
to her apartment building, the two streets she walked along every day, and
her bus stop. She went in, sat down, ordered a coffee, and in­spected the
customers. At the counter she saw a young man who looked away when she
entered. He was a regular customer, whom she knew by sight. She even
remembered that in the past their eyes had often met and that later on he
pretended not to see her.

Another day, she pointed him out to the woman from next door. 'Sure, that's
Monsieur Dubarreau!' 'Dubarreau or du Barreau?' The neighbour didn't know.
'What about his first name? Do you know that?' No, she didn't.

Du Barreau, that would fit. In that case her admirer isn't some
Charles-Didier or Christophe-David, the initial 'D' would stand for the
particle 'du,' and du Barreau would have only one first name. Cyrille du
Barreau. Or better: Charles. She imagines a family of penniless aristocrats
from the provinces. A family comically proud of its particle.


She pictures Charles du Barreau standing at the counter, making a show of his
indifference, and she says to herself that the particle suits him, that it
goes perfectly with his blase manner.

Soon after, she is walking in the street with Jean-Marc, and du Barreau comes
towards them. She has me red beads around her neck. They were a gift from
Jean-Marc, but considering them too showy, she wore them only rarely. She
realizes that she has put them on because du Barreau considered them
beautiful. He must think (and with good reason, in fact!) that it is for his
sake, for him, that she is wearing them. Briefly he looks at her, she looks
at him too, and thinking of the beads, she flushes. She flushes down to her
breasts, and she is sure he must have noticed. But they have already passed
him, he is already far beyond them, and it is Jean-Marc who is astonished:
'You're flushing! How come? What's happening?'

She is astonished too; why did she flush? Out of shame at granting this man
too much attention? But the attention she's granting him is no more than a
trivial curiosity! Good Lord, why does she flush so often lately, so easily,
like an adolescent?

As an adolescent, it's true, she did flush a lot; she was at the start of a
woman's physiological journey, and her body was turning into an burdensome
thing she was ashamed of. As an adult, she forgot about flushing. Then the
gusts of heat heralded the end of the journey, and once again her body
shamed her. With her sense of shame reawakened, she relearned to flush.

24

More letters arrived, and she was less and less able to ignore them. They
were intelligent, decent, with nothing ridiculous about them, nothing
import­unate. Her correspondent wanted nothing, asked nothing, insisted on
nothing. He was wise enough (or canny enough) to leave undescribed his own
personality, his life, his feelings, his desires. He was a spy; he wrote
only about her. These were letters not of seduction but of admiration. And
if seduction was at all present in them, it was conceived as a long-term
project. The most recent letter, though, was bolder: For three days, I lost
sight of you. When I saw you again, I marvelled at your bearing, so light,
so thirsty for the heights. You were like flames that must dance and leap to
exist at all. More long-limbed than ever, you were striding along surrounded
by bright, bacchic, drunken, wild flames. Thinking of you, I fling a mantle
stitched of flame over your naked body. I swathe your white body in a
cardinal's crimson mantle. And then I put you, draped like that, into a red
room on a red bed, my red cardinal, most gorgeous cardinal!'

A few days later, she bought a red nightgown. She was at home, looking at
herself in the mirror. She gazed at herself from every angle, slowly lifted
the hem of the gown, and felt she had never been so long of limb, never had
skin so white.

Jean-Marc arrived. He was surprised to see Chantal, with her alluring step
and her magnificent red nightgown, walk towards him, circle him, elude him,
let him come near only to flee him again. Letting himself be seduced by the
game, he pursued her throughout the apartment. Suddenly it is the immemorial
situation of a woman being chased by a man, and it fascinates him. She darts
about the great round table, herself intoxicated by the image of a woman
running from a man who desires her, then she rushes to the bed and bundles
her gown up to her neck. That day he makes love to her with a new,
unexpected force, and suddenly she has the sense that someone is there in
the room observing them with an insane concentration, she sees his face, the
face of Charles du Barreau, who imposed the red gown on her, who imposed
this act of love on her, and picturing him, she cries out in climax.

Now they lie breathing side by side, and the image of her spy arouses her; in
Jean-Marc's ear she whis­pers about slipping the crimson mantle over her
naked body and walking like a gorgeous cardinal through a crowded church. At
these words, he takes her in his arms again and, rocking on the waves of
fantasies she keeps telling him, he again makes love to her.

Then all grows calm; before her eyes she sees only her red gown, rumpled by
their bodies, at a comer of the bed. Before her half-closed eyes, that red
patch turns into a rose garden and she smells the faint fragrance nearly
forgotten, the fragrance of the rose yearning to embrace all the men in the
world.

25

The following day, a Saturday morning, she opened the window and saw the
wonderfully blue sky. She felt happy and gay, and out of nowhere she said to
Jean-Marc, who was about to leave: 'What do you suppose my poor Britannicus
is up to these days?'

'Why?'

'Is he still horny? Is he still alive?'

'What makes you think of him?'

'I don't know. Just like that.'

Jean-Marc left, and she was alone. She went into the bathroom, then over to
her wardrobe, with the idea of making herself very beautiful. She looked at
the shelves and something caught her attention. On the lingerie shelf, on
top of a pile, her shawl lay neatly folded, whereas she recalled having
tossed it in there carelessly. Did someone tidy up her things? The cleaning
woman comes once a week and never touches her shelves. She marvelled at her
talent for observation, and told herself she owed it to the teaming she got
years back during her stays at the country house. She always felt so spied
on down there that she learned to keep track of exactly how she had arranged
her things, so as to spot the slight­est change left by an alien hand.
Delighted at the thought that those days were over, she checked herself with
satisfaction in a mirror and left the apartment. Downstairs, she opened the
mailbox, where a new letter awaited her. She put it into her bag and
considered where she would go to read it. She found a small park and sat
down beneath the enormous autumnal canopy of a yellowing lime tree set aglow
by the sun.
'... your heels tapping on the pavement make me think of the roads I never
travelled, that stretch away like the boughs of a tree. You have reawakened
the obsession of my early youth: I would imagine life before me like a tree.
I used to call it the tree of possibilities. We see life that way for only a
brief time. Thereafter, it comes to look like a track laid out once and for
all, a tunnel one can never get out of. Still, the old spectre of the tree
stays with us in the form of an ineradicable nostalgia. You have made me
remember that tree, and in return, I want to pass you its image, have you
hear its enthralling murmur.

She raised her head. Above her, like a golden ceiling ornamented with birds,
spread the lime tree's boughs. As if it were the same tree as the one the
letter described. The metaphoric tree fused in her mind with her own old
metaphor of the rose. She had to go home. In farewell she lifted her eyes
again to the lime tree and went away.

Truth to tell, the mythological rose of her ado­lescence did not procure her
many adventures, and it does not even evoke any specific situation - apart
from the rather droll recollection of an Englishman, much older than she,
who at least ten years back had come into the agency on business and paid
her court for half an hour. Only later did she learn of his renown as a
womanizer, an orgiast. The encounter had no aftermath except that it became
a subject of jokes with Jean-Marc (he was the one who gave the fellow the
nickname Britannicus) and that it lighted up for her a few words that until
then had carried no special charge: the word 'orgy', for instance, and the
word 'England', which, in contrast to what it evoked for others, to her
represents the locus of pleasure and vice.

On the way home, she keeps hearing the ruckus of the birds from the lime tree
and seeing the lecher­ous old Englishman; wrapped in the mists of these
images, she moves at her leisurely pace until she comes to the street where
she lives; there, some fifty metres ahead, the bistro tables have been set
out on the pavement, and her young correspondent is sitting there, alone,
without a book, without a news­paper, he's doing nothing, he has a glass of
red wine in front of him and is staring into space with an expression of
contented laziness that matches Chantal's. Her heart starts to pound. The
whole thing is so devilishly neat! How could he have known that he would run
into her just after she read his letter? On edge, as if she were walking
naked under a red mantle, she draws closer to him, to the spy of her
intimate life. She is only a few steps away and awaits the moment when he
will address her. What will she do? She never wanted this encounter! But she
cannot run off like a fearful little girl. Her steps grow slow, she tries
not to look at him (good Lord, she really is behaving like a little girl,
does that mean she has got so old?), but oddly, with divine unconcern, his
glass of red in front of him, he sits gazing into space and seems not to see
her.

She is already far past him, continuing her pro­gress towards her building.
Did du Barreau not dare? Or did he restrain himself? But no, no. His
unconcern was so genuine that Chantal can no longer doubt it: she was wrong;
she was grotesquely wrong.

26

That evening, she went to a restaurant with Jean-Marc At the next table, a
couple was plunged in a bottomless silence. Managing silence under the eyes
of other people is not easy. Where should the two of them turn their gaze?
It would be comical for them to look directly at each other and not say a
word. Stare at the ceiling? That would seem to be making a display of their
muteness. Observe the neigh­bouring tables? They might intercept looks of
amusement at their silence, and that would be still worse.

Jean-Marc said to Chantal: 'Look, ifs not that they hate each other. Or that
apathy has replaced love. You can't measure the mutual affection of two
human beings by the number of words they exchange. Ifs just that their heads
are empty. It might even be out of tact that they're refusing to talk, if
they've got nothing to say. The opposite of my aunt in the Perigord.
Whenever I see her, she talks and talks without a stop. I've tried to figure
out the principle behind her volubility. She replicates in words absolutely
everything she sees and every­thing she does. That she got up in the
morning, that she had only black coffee for breakfast, that her husband went
out for a walk afterwards, imagine, Jean-Marc, when he got back he watched
TV, imagine! he surfed it and then when he got tired of TV he flipped
through some books. And - these are her words - that's how the time goes by
for him... You know, Chantal, I really like those simple, ordinary phrases
that are a kind of definition of a mystery. That "and that's how the time
goes by for him" is a fundamental line. Their problem is time -how to make
time go by, go by on its own, by itself, with no effort from them, without
their being required to get through it themselves, like exhausted hikers,
and that's why she talks, because the words she spouts manage
inconspicuously to keep time moving along, whereas when her mouth stays
dosed, time comes to a standstill, emerges from the shadows huge and heavy,
and it scares my poor aunt, who, in a panic, rushes to find someone she can
tell how her daughter is having trouble with her child who's got diarrhoea,
yes, Jean-Marc, diarrhoea, diarrhoea, she went to the doctor, you don't know
him, he lives not far from us, we've known him for quite a while now, yes,
Jean-Marc, quite a while, he's taken care of me too, this doctor, the winter
I had that flu, you remember, Jean-Marc, I had a horrible fever ...'
Chantal smiled, and Jean-Marc went on to another memory: 'I had just turned
fourteen, and my grand­father - not the cabinetmaker, the other one - was
dying. There was a sound coming from his mouth that was unlike anything
else, not even a moan because he wasn't in pain, not like words he might
have been having trouble saying, no, he hadn't lost speech, just very simply
he had nothing to say, nothing to communicate, no actual message, he didn't
even have anyone to talk to, wasn't interested in anyone any more, it was
just him alone with the sound he was emitting, one sound, an "ahhhh" that
broke off only when he had to take a breath. I would watch him, hypnotized,
and I never forgot that, because, though I was only a child, something
seemed to become clear to me: this is existence as such confronting time as
such; and that con­frontation, I understood, is named boredom. My
grandfather's boredom expressed itself by that sound, by that endless
"ahhhh", because without that "ahhhh" time would have crushed him, and the
only weapon my grandfather had against time was that feeble "ahhhh" going on
and on.'

'You mean he was dying and he was bored?'

'That's what I mean.'

They talk on about death, about boredom, they drink wine, they laugh, they
have a good time, they are happy.

Then Jean-Marc came back to his idea: 'I'd say that the quantity of boredom,
if boredom is measur­able, is much greater today than it once was. Because
the old occupations, at least most of them, were unthinkable without a
passionate involvement: the peasants in love with their land; my
grandfather, the magician of beautiful tables; the shoemakers who knew every
villager's feet by heart; the woods­men; the gardeners; probably even the
soldiers killed with passion back then. The meaning of life wasn't an issue,
it was there with them, quite naturally, in their workshops, in their
fields. Each occupation had created its own mentality, its own way of being.
A doctor would think differently from a peasant, a soldier would behave
differently from a teacher. Today we're all alike, all of us bound together
by our shared apathy towards our work. That very apathy has become a
passion. The one great collective passion of our time.' Chantal said: 'But
still, tell me - you yourself, when you were a ski instructor, when you were
writing for magazines on interior design or later on medicine, or maybe when
you were working as a designer in a furniture studio...'

'Yes, I liked that best, but it didn't work out...'

'Or when you were out of work and doing nothing at all, you should have been
bored, too!'

'Everything changed when I met you. Not because my little jobs became more
exciting. But because everything that happens around me I turn into fodder
for our conversations.'

'We could talk about other things!'

'Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that's very beautiful.
But what would they nourish their intimate talk with? However con­temptible
the world may be, they still need it to be able to talk together.'

'They could be silent.'

'Like those two, at the next table?' Jean Marc laughed. 'Oh, no, no love can
survive muteness.'

27

The waiter was leaning over their table with the dessert. Jean-Marc moved on
to another topic: 'You know that beggar we see now and then on our street?'

'No.'

'Sure you do, you must have noticed him. That man in his forties who looks
like a civil servant or a school teacher, and who's petrified with
embarrass­ment when he holds out his hand to ask for a few francs. You don't
know who I mean?'

'No.'

'Yes! He always plants himself under a plane tree there, in fact the only one
left on the street. You can even see its foliage from our window.'

The image of the plane tree, abruptly, brought the man to mind. 'Ah yes! Now
I know.'

'I had this great urge to talk to him, to start a conversation, to find out
more about him, but you have no idea how hard it is.'

Chantal does not hear Jean-Marc's last words; she sees the beggar. The man
beneath a tree. A diffident man whose reticence strikes the eye. Always
impec­cably dressed, so that passers-by barely understand that he is
begging. A few months earlier, he spoke to her directly and, very politely,
asked for money.

Jean-Marc was still talking: 'Ifs hard because he must be mistrustful. He
wouldn't understand why I'd want to talk to him. Out of curiosity? That
would scare him. Out of pity? That's humiliating. To make him some
proposition? What should I propose? I tried to put myself in his shoes and
understand what he might expect of people. I came up with nothing.'

She pictures him under his tree, and ifs the tree that suddenly, in a flash,
brings home to her that this is the letter-writer. His tree metaphor has
given him away - him, the man under the tree, filled with the image of his
tree. Her thoughts come rushing, one after the other: he's the only one, the
man with no job and with all that free time, who could un­obtrusively put a
letter in her box, the only one who, shrouded in his nothingness, could
follow her unnoticed in her daily rounds.

And Jean-Marc went on: 'I could say to him, "Come and help me straighten up
the basement." He would refuse, not out of laziness but because he has no
workclothes and needs to keep his suit in shape. Still, I'd really like to
talk to him. Because he's my alter ego!'

Not listening to Jean-Marc, Chantal says: 'What in the world could his sex
life be like?'

'His sex life!' said Jean-Marc, laughing. 'Zero, zero! Dreams!'

Dreams, thinks Chantal. So she's just the dream of some poor wretch. What
made him choose her, her in particular?

And Jean-Marc getting back to his idee fixe: 'Some day I'd like to say to
him, "Come and have a cup of coffee with me, you're my alter ego. You're
living out-the destiny I escaped by chance.'"

'Don't talk rubbish,' Chantal says. 'You weren't threatened by such a
destiny.'

'I never forget the moment when I quit medical school and realized that all
the trains had left.'

'Yes, I know, I know,' says Chantal, who had heard this story many times,
'but how can you compare your little setback with the real misfortunes of a
man who stands and waits for a passer-by to put a franc in his hand?'

'It's not a setback to give up your studies, what I gave up at that moment
was ambition. I was sud­denly a man without ambition. And having lost my
ambition, I suddenly found myself at the margin of the world. And, what was
worse: I had no desire to be anywhere else. I had all the less desire given
that there was no real threat of hardship. But if you have no ambition, if
you're not avid to succeed, to gain recognition, you're setting yourself up
on the verge of ruin. True, I set myself up there in comfortable conditions.
But still, ifs the verge of ruin I'm set up on. So ifs no exaggeration to
say that I belong with that beggar and not with the owner of this
magnificent restaurant where I'm having such a grand time.'
Chantal thinks: I've become the erotic idol of a beggar. What an honour! Then
she corrects herself: why should a beggar's desires be any less worthy of
respect than those of a businessman? Since they're hopeless, the beggar's
desires have one feature that's beyond price: they are free and sincere.

Then another idea occurs to her: the day she made love with Jean-Marc wearing
the red nightgown, that third presence who was observing them, who was with
them, wasn't the young man from the bistro, it was this beggar! Actually,
he's the one who threw the red mantle over her shoulders, who turned her
into a lecherous cardinal! For the space of a few seconds, the idea feels
painful to her, but her sense of humour quickly prevails, and in her
innermost heart, silently, she laughs. She imagines this pro­foundly timid
man, with his heartbreaking necktie, flattened against the wall of her
bedroom, his hand out, fixedly and lecherously watching them romp in front
of him. She imagines herself, once the love scene is over, climbing off the
bed naked and sweaty, picking up her purse from the table, looking for some
change, and putting it in his hand. She can barely contain her laughter.

28

Jean-Marc was watching Chantal, whose face sud­denly brightened with some
secret amusement. He did not want to ask her the reason, content to savour
the pleasure of watching her. As she lost herself in her comic imaginings,
he reflected that she was his sole emotional link to the world. People talk
to him about prisoners, about the persecuted, about the hungry? He knows the
only way he feels personally, painfully touched by their misfortune: he
imagines Chantal in their place. People tell him about women raped in some
civil war? He sees Chantal there, raped. She and she alone releases him from
his apathy. Only through her can he feel compassion.
He would have liked to tell her this, but he was ashamed of the pathetic. The
more so because an­other idea, completely opposite, caught him by surprise:
what if he should lose this one person who binds him to humankind? He was
thinking not of her death but of something subtler, something elusive that
has been haunting him lately: that one day he wouldn't recognize her; that
one day he would notice that Chantal was not the Chantal he lived with but
that woman on the beach he mistook for her; that the certainty Chantal
represented for him would turn out to be illusory, and that she would come
to mean as little to him as everybody else.

She took his hand: 'What's wrong with you? You're sad again. For the last
couple of days I've noticed you're sad. What's wrong with you?'

'Nothing, nothing at all.'

'Sure there is. Tell me, what's making you sad just now?'

'I imagined you were someone else.'

'What?'

"That you're different from what I imagine you. That I'm wrong about your
identity.'

'I don't understand.'

He saw a pile of brassieres. A sad little hill of brassieres. A silly hill.
But right through that vision he immediately caught sight of the real face
of Chantal as she sat across from him. He felt the touch of her hand on his,
and the sense of having a stranger, or a traitor, before him vanished
rapidly. He smiled: 'Forget that. I didn't say a thing.'

29

His back flat against the wall of the room where they were making love, his
hand outstretched, his eyes fixed avidly on their naked bodies: during
dinner at the restaurant, that is how she imagined him. Now his back is flat
against the tree, his hand clumsily outstretched towards the passers-by. At
first she means to behave as though she hasn't noticed him; then,
purposefully, intentionally, with a vague notion of slicing through a
tangled situation, she stops in front of him. Without raising his eyes, he
repeats his line: 'I beg you to help me.'

She looks at him: he is anxiously tidy, he is wear­ing a necktie, his
salt-and-pepper hair is combed back. Is he handsome, is he ugly? His
circumstances place him beyond the handsome and the ugly. She would like to
say something to him, but she does not know what. Her discomfiture keeping
her from speaking, she opens her purse, searches for some change, but except
for a few centimes she finds nothing. He stands there immobile, the terrible
palm stretched toward her, and his immobility makes the silence weightier
yet. To say at this point, 'Excuse me, I have nothing on me,' seems
impossible, so she decides to give him a banknote, but she finds only a
two-hundred-franc bill; it is an excessive offering and it makes her flush:
to her mind she looks like a woman keeping an imaginary lover, overpaying
him to write love letters to her. When instead of a little chip of cold
metal the beggar feels paper in his hand, he raises his head, and she sees
his utterly astonished eyes. It is a terrified look, and, uneasy, she moves
quickly away.
When she put the banknote in his hand, she still thought she was giving it to
her admirer. Only as she hurries off does she become capable of a bit more
clearheadedness: there was no gleam of complicity in his eyes; no mute
allusion to an adventure shared; nothing but authentic and total surprise;
the frightened astonishment of a poor man. Suddenly everything is obvious:
to take that man for the author of the letters is the height of absurdity.
She is overwhelmed with rage against herself. Why is she paying so much
attention to this bullshit? Why, even in imagination, is she lending herself
to this little adventure set up by some bored layabout with nothing to do?
The idea of the bundle of letters hidden beneath her brassieres suddenly
strikes her as unbearable. She pictures a person in some secret cranny
observing her every move but unaware of her thoughts. Judging by what he
saw, he could only think her a conventionally man-starved woman -worse, a
romantic and stupid woman who worships every love letter as a sacred object
and daydreams over it.

No longer able to stand the invisible observer's sneering gaze, as soon as
she reaches home she goes to the wardrobe. She sees the pile of her
brassieres and is struck by something. Yes, of course, she had already
noticed it yesterday: her shawl was folded, not just tossed down as she had
left it. In her euphoric state at the time she had immediately forgotten
that. But now she cannot ignore this sign of a hand not her own. Ah, it's
too obvious! He's read the letters! He's watching her! He's spying on her!

She is full of rage at a dozen different targets: at the unknown man
unapologetically pestering her with letters; at herself for foolishly
keeping them hidden; and at Jean-Marc for spying on her. She pulls out the
bundle and goes (that makes how many times now!) into the bathroom. There,
before ripping them up and sending them off with the water, she looks at
them for the last time and, mistrustful now, finds the handwriting
suspicious. She examines them carefully: the same ink throughout, and the
characters are all very large, tilted slightly to the left but different
from one letter to the next, as if whoever wrote them could not keep to a
consistent handwriting. The observation seems so strange to her that, once
again, she does not tear up the letters, and she sits down at the table to
reread them. She stops at the second one, which describes her on her trip to
the dry cleaner's: how had that gone at the time? She was with Jean-Marc; he
was the one carrying the valise. Inside the shop, she remembers very well,
it was Jean-Marc who made the woman laugh. Her correspondent mentions the
laughter. But how could he have heard it? He says he was looking at her from
the street. But who could have watched her without her realizing it? Not du
Barreau. Not the beggar. Only one person: the one who was with her inside
the dry cleaner's. And the line 'something added on to your life', which she
had taken for a clumsy attack on Jean-Marc, was actually a narcissistic bit
of coyness from Jean-Marc himself. Yes, he gave himself away by his
narcissism, a plaintive narcissism meant to tell her: no sooner does some
other man turn up in your path than I'm just a useless object added on to
your life. Then she recalls that curious remark at the end of their dinner
at the restaurant. He told her that he might have been mistaken about her
identity. That she might be someone else! 'I follow you around like a spy,'
he wrote in the first letter. So he's the spy. He scrutinizes her, he does
experiments on her to prove that she's not what he thought she was! He
writes her letters under the name of some unknown person and then watches
her behaviour, he spies on her right down to her wardrobe, right down to her
brassieres!

But why is he doing that?

There is only one possible answer: he is trying to trap her.

But why would he want to trap her?

To get rid of her. The fact is, he's younger than she, and she is getting
old. Ifs no good hiding her hot flushes, she's getting old and it shows. He
is looking for a reason to leave her. He couldn't say:

You are old and I'm young. He's too correct for that, too nice. But as soon
as he's sure she is betraying him, that she is capable of betraying him, he
will leave her with the same ease, the same coldness, as when he put his
very old friend F. out of his life. That coldness, so oddly cheerful, has
always frightened her. Now she sees that her fear was a forewarning.

30

He had inscribed Chantal's flush on the very open­ing page of the golden
album of their love. They met for the first time in the midst of a great
many people, in a reception room around a long table covered with glasses of
champagne and platters of toast squares and terrines and ham. It was a
moun­tain hotel, he was a ski instructor at the time, and he was invited, by
chance and for that one evening, to join the participants of a conference
that closed each evening with a little cocktail party. He was intro­duced to
her, in passing, so quickly they hadn't even the chance to catch each
other's names. With other people around, they did not manage to exchange
more than a few words. Jean-Marc returned unin­vited the next day, solely to
see her again. Spotting him, she flushed. She was red not only on her
cheeks, but on her neck, and lower still, down to the low neckline of her
dress, she turned mag­nificently red for all to see, red because of him and
for him. That flush was her declaration of love, that flush decided
everything. Thirty minutes later, they managed to meet alone in the dimness
of a long corridor; without a word, avidly, they kissed.
The fact that thereafter, for years, he never saw her flush again was to him
proof of the extraordinary nature of that flush back then, which glowed in
their faraway past like a priceless ruby. Then, one day, she told him that
men no longer turned to look at her. The words, in themselves insignificant,
became important because of the flush that accompanied them. He could not be
deaf to the language of colours, which was part of their love and which,
linked to her phrase, seemed to him to speak of the distress of ageing. That
is why, disguised as a stranger, he wrote to her: 'I follow you around like
a spy - you are beautiful, very beautiful.'

When he put the first letter in the box, he was not even thinking of sending
her others. He had no plan, he intended no future, he simply wanted to give
her pleasure, right then, immediately, to rid her of the depressing sense
that men no longer turned to look at her. He did not try to foresee her
reactions.

If, however, he had attempted to guess them, he would have supposed that she
would show him the letter, saying, 'Look! Men haven't forgotten about me
yet, after all!'/ and with the great innocence of a man in love, he would
have added his own praises to those of the unknown writer. But she showed
him nothing. Without a final dot, the episode stayed open. Over the next
days, he caught her in despair, prey to thoughts of death, so that, want to
or not, he went on. As he wrote the second letter, he said to himself:

I'm becoming Cyrano; Cyrano: the man who declares himself to the woman he
loves from behind the mask of another man; who, relieved of his own name,
sees the explosion of his suddenly liberated eloquence. Thus, at the end of
that letter, he added the signature 'C. D. B.' It was a code for him alone.
As if he wanted to leave a secret mark of his existence. C. D. B.: Cyrano de
Bergerac.

Cyrano he continued to be. Suspecting her to have lost faith in her charms,
he described her body to her. He tried to note each part - face, nose, eyes,
neck, legs - to make her proud of it again. He was happy to see that she
dressed with greater pleasure, that she was more cheerful, but at the same
time his success stung him: before, she had not liked to wear the red beads
around her neck, even when he asked her to; and now it was another man she
was obeying.

Cyrano cannot live without jealousy. The day he unexpectedly entered the
bedroom where Chantal was leaning into a wardrobe shelf, he did notice her
discomfiture. He talked about the eyelid washing the eye and pretended to
have seen nothing; only the next day, when he was alone at home, did he open
the wardrobe and find his two letters beneath the pile of brassieres.
Then, turning pensive, he wondered again why she had not shown them to him;
the answer seemed simple. If a man writes letters to a woman, his point is
to prepare the ground for approaching her later to seduce her. And if the
woman keeps those letters secret, it is because she wants today's discretion
to protect tomorrow's adventure. And if she saves them besides, it means she
is prepared to see that future adventure as a love affair.

He stood for a long while before the open wardrobe, and after that, whenever
he put a new letter into the box, he would go to check if he would find it
in its place, beneath the brassieres.

31

If Chantal should learn that Jean-Marc was un­faithful to her, she would
suffer, but it would square with what she could, just conceivably, expect
from him. But this espionage, this cop-like testing he was putting her
through, matched nothing she knew about him. When they met, he wanted to
know nothing, hear nothing about her past life. She quickly fell into line
with the radicalism of that refusal. She never had any secrets from him and
suppressed only what he himself did not wish to hear. She sees no reason
why, all at once, he has begun to suspect her, to keep watch on her.

Then, suddenly, she remembers how those words about crimson cardinal garb
aroused her, and she is ashamed: how receptive she's been to images some­one
sows in her head! how ridiculous she must have seemed to him! He has put her
in a cage like a rabbit. Cruel and amused, he is observing her reactions.

And suppose she is wrong? Hasn't she been mistaken twice already when she
thought she had unmasked her correspondent?

She goes to find some letters Jean-Marc wrote to her in the past, and
compares them with those from C. D. B. Jean-Marc's handwriting leans
slightly to the right, with fairly small characters, whereas in all the
letters from the stranger the writing is sizeable and leans to the left. But
it is precisely that too-obvious dissimilarity that gives away the hoax. A
person trying to disguise his own handwriting will think first of changing
the slant and the size. Chantal tries to compare the 'f, the 'a', the 'o' as
they appear in Jean-Marc's hand and in the stranger's. She sees that despite
their different sizes, their forms look fairly similar. But as she goes on
comparing them over and over, she grows less certain. Oh, no, she's not a
graphologist, and she cannot be sure of a thing.
She chooses a letter from Jean-Marc and one signed C. D. B.; she puts them
into her handbag. What to do with the others? Find them a better hiding
place? Why bother? Jean-Marc knows them, and he even knows where she puts
them. She must not let him know that she feels herself under sur­veillance.
She sets them back in the wardrobe exactly where they were all along.

Then she rang at the door of a graphology service. A young man in dark
clothing greeted her and ushered her along a corridor into an office where,
behind a table, another man, brawny and in shirt-sleeves, was seated. The
young man stood leaning against the back wall of the room, while the brawny
fellow rose and offered his hand.

He sat back down and she took an armchair across from him. She laid the
letters from Jean-Marc and from C. D. B. on the table; when she explained,
with some embarrassment, what she wanted to know, the man said, his tone
quite remote: 'I can give you a psychological analysis of the' man whose
identity you know. But it is difficult to do a psychological analysis of a
faked handwriting.'

'I don't need a psychological analysis. I'm quite familiar with the
psychology of the man who wrote these letters, if, as I think, he did write
them.'

'What you want, if I understand you, is certainty that the person who wrote
that letter - your lover or your husband - is the same person who's changed
his handwriting in this other one. You want to trip him up.'

"That's not exactly it,' she says, uncomfortable.

'Not exactly, but nearly. However, Madame, I am a graphologist-psychologist,
I am not a private eye, nor do I collaborate with the police.'

Silence fell in the little room, and neither of the two men chose to break
it, because neither one felt any compassion for her.

Within her body she sensed a wave of heat rise, a powerful, ferocious,
expanding wave, she was red, red over her whole body; once again the words
about the crimson cardinal's mantle crossed her mind, because, in fact, her
body was now swathed in a sumptuous mantle stitched of flames.

'You've come to the wrong place,' he went on. "This is not an informers'
office.'

She heard the word 'informer', and her mantle of flames turned into a mantle
of shame. She rose to take back her letters. But before she could manage to
gather them up, the young man who had let her in stepped behind the table;
standing near the brawny man, he looked carefully at the two hand­writings,
and 'Of course it's the same person,' he said; then, directly to her: 'Look
at this "t", look at this "g"!'

Suddenly she recognizes him: this young man is the waiter at the cafe in that
Normandy town where she was waiting for Jean-Marc And as she recog­nizes
him, within her fiery body she hears her own astonished voice: But this
whole thing, this isn't real! I'm hallucinating, I'm hallucinating, it can't
be real!

The young man raised his head, looked at her (as if he meant to show her his
face and be clearly recognized), and said, his smile at once gentle and
disdainful: 'Sure it is! It's the same handwriting. He's just made it bigger
and slanted it to the left.'

She does not want to hear any more, the word 'informer' has banished every
other word. She feels like a woman denouncing the man she loves to the
police, displaying as evidence a hair found in the adulterous bedsheets.
Finally, after picking up her letters, without a word, she turns on her heel
to leave. Once again, the young man has changed position: he is at the door
and opening it for her. She is six steps away, and that little distance
seems infinite. She is red, she is burning, she is drenched in sweat. The
man before her is arrogantly young and, arrogantly, he is staring at her
poor body. Her poor body! Under the young man's gaze she feels it ageing
visibly, at a faster rate, and in plain daylight.
This seems to her the same situation she lived through in the cafe at the
Normandy shore when, wearing that obsequious smile, he blocked her way to
the door and she feared she would not be able to leave. She waits for him to
pull the same trick, but, politely, he stands still beside the office door
and lets her go through; then, with the faltering step of an old woman, she
moves down the hallway to the street door (she feels his gaze pressing on
her damp back), and when she is finally outside on the door­step she has the
sensation of having escaped some huge peril.
32

That day when they were walking together in the street, without speaking/
seeing only unknown passers-by around them, why did she suddenly flush? It
was incomprehensible: taken aback, he could not control his reaction at the
time: 'You're flushing! How come?' She did not answer and he was disturbed
to see that something was happening in her which he knew nothing about.

As if that episode had rekindled the royal colour from the golden album of
their love, he wrote her the letter about the cardinal's crimson mantle. In
his Cyrano role, he then pulled off his greatest feat: he captivated her. He
was proud of his letter, of his seduction, but he felt a greater jealousy
than ever. He was creating a phantom of a man and, without meaning to, was
thus putting Chantal to a test that gauged her susceptibility to seduction
by a man other than himself.

His jealousy was not the same sort as he had known in his youth when his
imagination would set off some agonizing erotic fantasy; this was less
painful but more destructive: very gradually, it was transforming a beloved
woman into the simulacrum of a beloved woman. And since she was no longer a
reliable person for him, there was now no stable point in the valueless
chaos which is the world. Faced with this transubstantiated (or
desubstan-tiated) Chantal, he felt a strange melancholy apathy overtake him.
Not apathy about her but apathy about everything. If Chantal is a
simulacrum, then so is the whole of Jean-Marc's life.

In the end, his love prevailed over his jealousy and his doubts. He leaned
into the open wardrobe, staring at the brassieres, and suddenly, without
knowing how it came about, he was moved. Moved in the face of this
immemorial action of women hiding a letter among their undergarments, this
action by which the unique and inimitable Chantal takes her place in the
endless procession of her peers. He had never wanted to know anything about
the part of her intimate life that he had not shared with her. Why should he
take an interest now, still less take offence at it?
Anyhow, he asked himself, what is an intimate secret? Is that where we hide
what's most mys­terious, most singular, most original about a human being?
Are her intimate secrets what make Chantal the unique being he loves? No.
What people keep secret is the most common, the most ordinary, the most
prevalent thing, the same thing everybody has: the body and its needs, its
maladies, its manias -constipation, for instance, or menstruation. We
ashamedly conceal these intimate matters not because they are so personal
but because, on the contrary, they are so lamentably impersonal. How v can
he resent Chantal for belonging to her sex, for resembling other women, for
wearing a brassiere and along with it the brassiere psychology? As if he
didn't himself belong to some eternally masculine idiocy! They both of them
got their start in that putterer's workshop where their eyes were botched
with the disjointed action of the eyelid and where a reeking little factory
was installed in their bellies. They both of them have bodies where their
poor souls have almost no room. Shouldn't they forgive that in each other?
Shouldn't they move beyond the little weaknesses they're hiding at the
bottom of drawers? He was gripped by an enormous com­passion, and to draw a
final line under that whole story, he decided to write her one last letter.

33

Bent over a sheet of paper, he reflects again on what the Cyrano he was (and
is again, for the last time) called 'the tree of possibilities'. The tree of
possi­bilities: life as it reveals itself to a man arriving, astonished, at
the threshold of his adult life: an abundant treetop canopy filled with bees
singing. And he thinks he understands why she never showed him the letters:
she wanted to hear the murmur of the tree by herself, without him, because
he, Jean-Marc, represented the abolition of all possi­bilities, he was the
reduction (even though it was a happy reduction) of her life to one single
possibility. She could not tell him about the letters because that openness
would have been an immediate indication (to herself and to him) that she was
not really interested in the possibilities the letters promised her, that
she was renouncing in advance that for­gotten tree he was showing her. How
could he resent that? After all, he is the one who wanted her to hear the
music of a murmuring treetop. So she has behaved according to Jean-Marc's
wishes. She has obeyed him.
Bent over his paper, he thinks: the echo of that murmur must stay with
Chantal even if the letter-adventure comes to an end. And he writes to her
that an unexpected obligation requires him to go away. Then he adds a nuance
to his statement: 'Is this departure really unexpected or, rather, did I not
write these letters precisely because I knew they would have no aftermath?
Wasn't it the certainty of my departure that allowed me to speak to you with
utter candour?'
Going away. Yes, that's the only possible denouement, but go where? He
considers. What about not naming the destination? That would be a little too
romantically mysterious. Or impolitely evasive. True, his existence must
remain murky, he cannot give reasons for his departure because they would
hint at the imaginary identity of the corres­pondent - his profession, for
instance. Still, it would be more natural to say where he is going. A city
within France? No. That would not be reason enough to break off a
correspondence. He would have to go far away. New York? Mexico? Japan? That
would be a little suspicious. Better to pick a city that is foreign and yet
nearby, unremarkable. London! Of course; that seems so logical, so natural,
that he says to himself with a smile: in fact, I can only go to London. And
then wonders immediately: why exactly does London seem so natural to me?
Thereupon arises the memory of the man from London about whom he and Chantal
have often joked, the ladies' man who had once given Chantal his visiting
card. The English­man, the Britisher, whom Jean-Marc nicknamed Britannicus.
Its not bad: London, the city of lascivious dreams. That's where the unknown
worshipper will go to lose himself in the mob of orgiasts, pick-up artists,
erotomaniacs, perverts, lechers; that's where he will disappear for ever.

And he thinks further: he'll leave the word 'London' in his letter as a kind
of signature, like a barely perceptible trace of his conversations with
Chantal. Silently, he makes fun of himself: he wants to remain unknown,
unidentifiable, because the game requires that. And yet a contrary desire -
a desire totally unjustified, unjustifiable, irrational, murky, certainly
stupid - mates him to not go completely unseen, to leave a mark, to hide
somewhere a coded signature by which an unknown and exceptionally
clearsighted observer could identify him.

Descending the staircase to put the letter in the box, he heard shrill voices
shouting. Downstairs, he saw them: a woman with three children at the
doorbell buttons. Heading for the boxes along the facing wall, he passed
beside them. When he turned around, he saw that the woman was pressing on
the button bearing his name and Chantal's.

'Are you looking for someone?' he asked.

The woman told him a name.

'That's me!'

She took a step back and looked at him with obvious admiration: 'Ifs you! Oh,
I'm happy to meet you! I'm Chantal's sister-in-law!'

34

Disconcerted, he could do no other than invite them upstairs.

'I don't want to bother you,' said the sister-in-law when they all entered
the apartment.

'You're not bothering me. And anyhow, Chantal won't be long.'


The sister-in-law began to talk; from time to time she would throw a glance
at the children, who were very quiet, shy, almost dumbstruck.

'I'm glad Chantal will see them,' she said, cares­sing the head of one of
them. 'She doesn't even know them, they were bom after she left. She liked
children. Our country house overflowed with them. Her husband was pretty
ghastly. I shouldn't talk this way about my own brother, but he remarried
and he never sees us any more.' Laughing: 'Actually, I always liked Chantal
better than her husband!'

Again she stepped back and stared at Jean-Marc, her look both admiring and
flirtatious: 'Well, she certainly knew how to pick the next man! I've come
to tell you you're welcome at our place. I'd be grateful if you came, and
brought our Chantal back to us at the same time. The house is open to you
whenever you like. Always.'

"Thank you.'

'You're a big man, how I love that. My brother is smaller than Chantal. I
always had the feeling she was his mummy. She'd call him "my little mousie"
-just think, she gave him a girl's nickname! I always used to imagine,' she
said, bursting into laughter, 'that she'd hold him in her arms and rock him
and whisper "My little mousie, my little mousie!" '

She did a few dancing steps, her arms crooked as if she were carrying a baby,
and repeated, 'My little mousie, little mousie!' She continued her dance
another brief moment, to urge an answering laugh from Jean-Marc. To satisfy
her, he faked a smile and imagined Chantal with a man she called 'my
mousie'. The sister-in-law went on talking, and he could not rid himself of
that exasperating image: the image of Chantal calling a man (smaller than
she) 'my little mousie'.

Noise came from the next room. Jean-Marc realized that the children were no
longer here with them; that was the cunning strategy of the invaders: under
cover of their insignificance, they managed to slip into Chantal's room; at
first silent like a secret army and then, having discreetly shut the door
behind them, with the furioso of conquerors.

It worried Jean-Marc, but the sister-in-law re­assured him: 'Ifs nothing.
They're children. They're playing.'

'Well, sure,' said Jean-Marc. 'I see that they're playing,' and he headed for
the bedroom din. The sister-in-law was faster. She opened the door: they had
turned the swivel chair into a merry-go-round; one child lay flat on his
stomach on the seat, he was spinning around and the two others were watching
him and shouting.

'See, they're playing, I told you,' the sister-in-law repeated as she closed
the door. Then, with a wink of collusion: "They're children. What do you
expect? Ifs too bad Chantal's not here. I'd so like her to see them.'

The noise from the next room was becoming pandemonium, and Jean-Marc suddenly
lost any desire to quiet the children down. He sees before him a Chantal
who, amid the family mob, cradles a little man she called 'mousie'. The
image comes together with another one: Chantal jealously pro­tecting an
unknown worshipper's letters so as not to nip in the bud a promise of
adventure. That Chantal is unfamiliar; that Chantal is not the woman he
loves; that Chantal is a simulacrum. A strange destructive desire fills him
and he relishes the racket the children are making. He wants them to
demolish the room, demolish the whole little world that he used to love and
that has become a simulacrum.

'My brother,' the sister-in-law was saying mean­while, 'was too puny for her,
you know what I mean, puny ...' she said, laughing,'... in every sense of
the word. You know, you know!' She laughed again. 'In fact, can I give you a
piece of advice?'

'If you want.'

'Very intimate advice!'

She brought her mouth dose and said something, but her lips made a noise as
they touched Jean-Marc's ear and made her words inaudible.

She pulled back and laughed: 'What do you say to that?'

He had caught none of it, but he laughed too.

'Ah, that really tickled you!' said the sister-in-law, adding: 'I could tell
you lots of things like that. Oh, you know, she and I had no secrets from
each other. If you run into any problems with her, tell me, I can give you
some good tips!' She laughed: 'I know what it takes to tame her!'

And Jean-Marc thinks: Chantal has always spoken · with hostility of her
sister-in-law's family. How can the sister-in-law show such clear affection
for her? What exactly does it mean, then, that Chantal hated them? How can a
person hate a thing and at the same time adapt to it so readily?

In the next room the children were rampaging, and the sister-in-law,
gesturing in their direction, smiled: "That doesn't disturb you, I see!
You're like me. You know, I'm not an orderly woman, I like things to move, I
like things to change, I like things to sing -1 mean, I like life!'

Against the background of shouting children, his thoughts continue: that
facility she has for adapting to things she detests, is that really so
admirable? Is having two faces such a triumph? He used to relish the idea
that among the advertising people she was like an interloper, a spy, a
masked enemy, a potential terrorist. But she isn't a terrorist, she's more
of a - if he has to resort to such political terminology - a collaborator. A
collaborator who serves a detestable power without identifying with it, who
works for it while keeping separate from it, and who one day, standing
before her judges, will defend herself by claiming that she had two
different faces.

35

Chantal stopped in the doorway and stood there, astonished, for almost a
minute, because neither Jean-Marc nor her sister-in-law was noticing her.
She heard the clarion voice that she had not heard for so long: '... You're
like me. You know, I'm not an orderly woman, I like things to move, I like
things to change, I like things to sing -1 mean, I like life!' At last her
sister-in-law's eyes landed on her: 'Chantal!' she cried. 'Isn't this a
surprise?' and she rushed to embrace her. At the crease of her lips Chantal
felt the wetness of her sister-in-law's mouth.

The awkwardness brought on by Chantal's arrival was soon interrupted by the
irruption of a child into the room. 'Here's our little Corinne/ the
sister-in-law announced to Chantal; then, to the child: 'Say hello to your
aunt/ but the girl paid no attention to Chantal and announced mat she had to
make pee-pee. The sister-in-law, without hesitating, as if she were already
quite familiar with me apartment, went off with Corinne down the corridor
and vanished into the bathroom.'God,' murmured Chantal, taking advantage of
the sister-in-law's absence, 'how did they track us down?'

Jean-Marc shrugged his shoulders. The sister-in-law had left the corridor and
the bathroom doors wide open, so they couldn't say much to each other. They
heard the urine splashing into the toilet bowl, mingling with the
sister-in-law's voice giving them news of her family, and every now and then
urging me child along. Chantal remembers: once, on a vacation at the country
house, she was inside the locked bath­room; suddenly someone tugged at the
doorknob. . Hating conversations through bathroom doors, she did not answer.
From the other end of the house somebody shouted to quiet the impatient
person at the door: 'Chantal's in there!' Despite the information, the
impatient person wrenched the doorknob several more times, as if to protest
Chantal's muteness. The noise of the urine is followed by the flush and
Chantal is still remembering the big concrete house where all the sounds
carried and no one could tell what direction they came from. She was
accus­tomed to hearing the coital sighs of her sister-in-law (their
unnecessary loudness was certainly intended to function as a provocation,
less sexual than moral: as a demonstration of the rejection of all secrets);
one day, the love sighs reached her again and only after some time did she
realize that an asthmatic grandmother was wheezing and moaning at the other
end of that echoing house.

The sister-in-law came back into the living room. 'Go on,' she said to
Corinne, who ran off into the next room to rejoin the other children. Then
she spoke to Jean-Marc: 'I don't reproach Chantal for leaving my brother.
Maybe she should have done it sooner. But I do reproach her for forgetting
about us.' And, turning to Chantal: 'After all, Chantal, we do represent a
big piece of your life! You can't repudiate us, erase us, you can't change
your past! Your past is what it is. You can't deny you were happy with us.
I've come to tell your new com­panion that you're both welcome at my place!'

Chantal was hearing her talk and thinking that she had lived too long with
that family without displaying her otherness, so her sister-in-law was
(almost) justifiably upset that after Chantal's divorce she had broken off
all ties with them. Why had she been so nice, so acquiescent, during her
married years? She didn't know, herself, what to call her attitude of the
time. Docility? Hypocrisy? Apathy? Self-control?

When her son was still alive, she was fully pre­pared to accept that life in
a collective, under constant scrutiny, with the collective sloppiness, the
nearly obligatory nudism around the pool, the guileless lack of privacy that
told her, by subtle yet astonishing traces, who had been in the bathroom
before her. Did she enjoy that? No, she was filled with disgust, but it was
a mild, quiet, noncombative, resigned, almost peaceful disgust, a little
sardonic, never rebellious. If her child had not died, she would have lived
that way to the end of her days.

In Chantal's room, the racket intensified. The sister-in-law shouted:
'Quiet!' but her voice was more jolly than angry, and did not sound eager to
calm the uproar so much as to join the fun.

Chantal loses patience and goes into her room. The children are clambering
over the armchairs but Chantal does not see them; transfixed, she is staring
at the wardrobe; its door is gaping open; and in front of it, on the floor,
her brassieres and underpants are scattered, along with the letters. Only
then does she notice that the eldest of the children has twisted a brassiere
around her head so that the pocket meant for the breast is standing up atop
her hair like a Cossack's helmet.
'Just look at that!' the sister-in-law says, laughing and holding Jean-Marc
chummily by the shoulder. 'Look, look! It's a masquerade party!'

Chantal sees the letters tossed to the ground. Fury rises to her head. It's
barely an hour since she left the graphologist's office where she was
treated with contempt and, betrayed by her flaming body, had been unable to
stand up for herself. Now she's sick of feeling guilty: these letters no
longer represent a foolish secret she should be ashamed of; hence­forward
they symbolize Jean-Marc's deceitfulness, his perfidy, his treason.

The sister-in-law caught Chantal's glacial reaction. Still talking and
laughing, she leaned towards the child, unbound the brassiere and stooped to
collect the underwear.

'No, no, please, leave them,' Chantal told her, in a firm tone.

'As you like, as you like, I was willing to do it.'

'I know,' said Chantal, looking at her sister-in-law, who went back to lean
on Jean-Marc's shoulder; it occurs to Chantal that they go well together,
that they make a perfect couple, a couple of overseers, a couple of spies.
No, she has no wish to shut the wardrobe door. She is leaving it open as
proof of the pillage. She says to herself: this apartment belongs to me and
I have an enormous desire to be alone in it; to be superbly, supremely
alone. And aloud she says: 'This apartment belongs to me and no one has the
right to open my wardrobes and rummage in my personal things. No one. I
repeat: no one.'

That last word was aimed far more at Jean-Marc than at her sister-in-law. But
lest she give anything away in front of the intruder, she also spoke
separately to her: 'I'm asking you to leave.'

'Nobody was rummaging in your personal things,' said the sister-in-law
defensively.

As her sole response, Chantal tipped her head towards me open wardrobe, with
the underwear and the letters strewn on the floor.

'Good Lord, the children were playing!' said the sister-in-law, and as if
they felt anger shivering in the air, the children followed their superb
diplomatic instinct and kept still.

'I'm asking you,' Chantal repeated, and she pointed to the door.

One of the children was holding an apple he had taken from a bowl on the
table.

'Put the apple back where it was,' Chantal told him.

'I'm dreaming!' cried the sister-in-law.

'Put the apple back. Who gave it to you?'

'She refuses a child an apple, I must be dreaming!' The child put the apple
back in the bowl, the sister-in-law took him by the hand, the other two
joined them, and they went away.

36

She is alone with Jean-Marc and sees no difference between him and those who
have just left.

'I had almost forgotten,' she says, 'that I bought this apartment originally
so as to be free at last, to be not spied on, to be able to put my things
where I want and be sure that they will stay right where I put them.'

'I've told you many times that I belong with that beggar and not with you.
I'm at the margin of this world. You, you've put yourself at the centre of
it.'

'That's a very plush marginality you've set your­self up in, and it costs you
nothing.'

'I'm ready any time to leave my plush marginality. But you, you'll never give
up that citadel of con-formism where you've established yourself with all
your many faces.'

37

A minute earlier, Jean-Marc had been hoping to explain things, to acknowledge
his hoax, but that exchange of four retorts has made all dialogue
impossible. He has nothing further to say, because it is true that this
apartment does belong to her and not to him; she told him he had set himself
up in quite a plush marginality that cost him nothing, and that's true: he
earns a fifth of what she earns, and their whole relationship rests on the
tacit agreement that they will never mention that inequality.
They were both standing, face to face with a table between them; she pulled
an envelope from her bag, tore it open, and unfolded the letter inside; it
was the one he had just written, scarcely an hour earlier. She hid nothing
at all, and he understood that she was making a point. Without a qualm, she
read before his eyes the letter that she should have kept secret. Then she
put it back in her bag, gave Jean-Marc a brief, nearly indifferent glance,
and without a word went into her room.

He considers again what she had said: 'No one has the right to open my
wardrobe and rummage in my personal things.' So she has realized. God knows
how, that he knows those letters and their hiding place. She means to show
him that she knows he does and that the fact doesn't matter to her. That she
is determined to live as she sees fit and without worrying about him. That
from now on she is prepared to read her love letters in front of him. Her
unconcern anticipates Jean-Marc's absence. For her he is no longer there.
She has already evicted him.

She stayed in her room a long time. He could hear the furious voice of the
vacuum cleaner bringing order back to the shambles the intruders had left
there. Then she went into the kitchen. Ten minutes later, she called him.
They sat down at the table to eat a small cold meal. For the first time in
their life together, they said not a word. Oh, how rapidly they masticated
food whose taste they never perceived! Again she withdrew into her room. Not
knowing what to do (unable to do anything), he put on his pyjamas and lay
down in the wide bed where they usually lay together. But that evening she
did not come out of her room. Time passed, and he was unable to sleep.
Finally he got up and pressed his ear to her door. He heard regular
breathing. That calm sleep, her ease at dropping off, tortured him. He
stayed there a long time, his ear to the door, and he told himself that she
was much less vulnerable than he had thought. And that perhaps he was wrong
when he had supposed her the weaker of them and himself the stronger.

Actually, who is the stronger one? When they were both out on the terrain of
love, perhaps it was really he. But with the terrain of love gone from under
their feet, she is the strong one, and he is the weak.

38

There on her narrow bed, she did not sleep as well as he thought; her sleep
was a hundred times inter­rupted and full of dreams that were unpleasant and
disjointed, absurd, meaningless, and distressingly erotic. Each time she
wakes after such dreams, she feels uneasy. That, she thinks, is one of the
secrets of woman's life, every woman's: the nocturnal promiscuity that
renders suspect all promises of fidelity, all purity, all innocence. In our
century, nobody finds this offensive, but Chantal likes to imagine the
Princesse de Cleves, or Bernardin de Saint-Pierre's chaste Virginie, or
Saint Teresa of Avila, or, in our own day, the late Mother Teresa running in
a sweat through the world doing her good works - she likes to imagine them
emerging from their nights as from a cloak of unacknowledgeable, improbable,
imbecilic vices, and by day turning back into virginal, virtuous women. Such
was her night: she woke up several times, always after bizarre orgies with
men she didn't know and found revolting.

Very early in the morning, not wishing to fall back into those dirty
pleasures, she dressed and filled a little valise with a few items necessary
for a short trip. Just as she was ready, she saw Jean-Marc in pyjamas at the
door of her room.

'Where are you going?' he asked.

'To London.'

'What? To London? Why London?'

She said, very calmly: 'You know very well why London.' Jean-Marc flushed.

She repeated: 'You know very well, don't you?' and she looked at his face.
What a triumph for her to see that this time he was the one to turn all red!

His cheeks afire, he said: 'No, I don't know why London.'

She was delighted to see him flush. 'We have a conference in London,' she
said. 'I just learned about it last evening. You can understand that I had
neither the opportunity nor the desire to tell you about it.'

She was sure that he could not possibly believe her, and delighted that her
lie should be so un­disguised, so bold, so insolent, so hostile.

'I've called a taxi. I'm going down now. It should be here any minute.'

She smiled at him the way one smiles farewell or goodbye. And at the last
moment, as if it were against her intention, as if it were a gesture not in
her control, she laid her right hand on Jean-Marc's cheek; this gesture was
brief, it lasted only a second or two, then she turned her back on him and
left.

39

He feels the touch of her hand on his cheek, or more precisely the touch of
three fingertips, and the trace of it is cold, like after the touch of a
frog. Her caresses were always slow, calm, it used to seem to him that they
were meant to prolong time. Whereas these three fingers laid briefly on his
cheek were not a caress but a reminder. As if a woman snatched up by a
storm, carried off by a wave, could muster just one fleeting gesture to say:
'And yet I was here! I did pass through! Whatever happens, don't forget me!'

Mechanically, he dresses and considers what they said about London. 'Why
London?' he asked, and she answered: 'You know very well why London.' That
was a dear allusion to the departure he had announced in his last letter.
That 'you know very well' meant: you know that letter. But that letter,
which she had just taken out of the box downstairs, could only be known to
its sender and to her. In other words, Chantal had torn the mask off poor
Cyrano and she was telling him: you yourself in­vited me to London, so I'm
following your orders.

But if she has guessed (my God, my God, how could she have guessed?) that he
is the one who wrote the letters, why is she taking it so badly? Why is she
so cruel? If she has guessed it all, why hasn't she also guessed the reasons
for his trickery? What does she suspect him of? Behind all these questions,
there is one thing he's sure of: he does not under­stand her. For that
matter, she hasn't understood anything either. Their ideas have gone in
different directions, and it seems to him they will never converge again.

The pain he feels does not wish to heal; on the contrary, it seeks to
aggravate the wound and parade it about the way one parades an injustice for
all to see. He hasn't the patience to wait for Chantal's return to explain
the source of the misunderstand­ing. Deep down he knows very well that this
would be the only reasonable behaviour, but pain doesn't listen to reason,
it has its own reason, which is not reasonable. What his unreasonable reason
wants is for Chantal, when she returns, to find the apartment empty, without
him, as she proclaimed she wanted it in order to be alone there and away
from espionage. He puts some banknotes in his pocket, all the money he has,
then hesitates a moment over whether he should or should not take the keys.
In the end he leaves them on the little table in the foyer. When she sees
them, she will understand that he will not be back. Only a few jackets and
shirts in the closet, only a few books in the bookcase, will still be here
as mementos.

He goes out without knowing what he will do. The important thing is to leave
that apartment which is no longer his. Leave it before deciding where he
will go next. Not until he is in the street will he allow himself to give it
some thought.

But once downstairs, he has the strange sensation of being outside reality.
He has to stop in the middle of the pavement to be able to consider. Where
to go? He has disparate ideas in his head: Perigord, where part of his
peasant family lives, and always welcomes him with pleasure; some cheap
hotel in Paris. While he considers, a taxi stops at a red light. He waves it
over.

40

Downstairs in the street, of course, no taxi was waiting for her, and Chantal
had no idea where to go. Her decision was a total improvisation, spurred by
the distress she was unable to master. At the moment, she wants only one
thing: not to see him for at least a day and a night. She thought about
taking a hotel room right here in Paris, but im­mediately the idea seemed
foolish: what would she do all day? Walk in the streets and breathe their
stench? Lock herself up in her room? And do what there? Then she thinks of
taking the car and going off to the country, at random, finding a peaceful
spot and staying there a day or two. But where?

Without knowing exactly how, she wound up near a bus stop. She felt like
climbing aboard the first one to pass and letting herself be carried to its
terminus. One drew up and she was amazed to see that the list of stops
included the Gare du Nord. The London trains leave from that station.

She has the impression of being drawn along by a conspiracy of coincidences
and tries to see it as a good fairy coming to her aid. London: she had told
Jean-Marc that that was where she was going, but only as a way of letting
him know that she had unmasked him. Now an idea occurs to her: perhaps
Jean-Marc took the London destination seriously; perhaps he's going to
intercept her at the railway station. And another idea follows that one, a
weaker one, barely audible, like the voice of a tiny bird: if Jean-Marc is
there, this odd misunderstanding will come to an end. The idea is like a
caress, but too short a caress, because immediately thereafter she rebels
against him again and rejects any nostalgia.

But where will she go and what will she do? Suppose she really did go to
London? Suppose she let her lie become truth? She remembers that in her
notebook she still has Britannicus' address. Britannicus: how old could he
be now? She knows that meeting him would be the least probable thing in the
world. So what? All the better. She'll get to London, walk around there,
take a hotel room, and come back to Paris tomorrow.

Then that idea displeases her: in leaving the apartment building, she thought
she was taking back her independence whereas, in reality, she is letting
herself be manipulated by an unknown and uncontrolled force. Leaving for
London, a decision suggested by preposterous chance, is craziness. Why
should she think that such a conspiracy of co­incidences would be working in
her favour? Why take it for a good fairy? What if the fairy is wicked, and
is conspiring towards her ruin? She promises herself: when the bus stops at
the Gare du Nord, she won't move; she'll keep riding.

But when the bus stops, she is surprised to find herself getting off. And as
if sucked along, she moves towards the railway station.

In the enormous lobby, she sees the marble stair-case leading upwards,
towards the waiting room for London passengers. She means to look at the
posted timetable, but before she manages to do that, she hears her name,
amid laughter. She stops and sees her colleagues gathered at the bottom of
the staircase. When they realize that she has spotted them, their laughter
becomes still louder. They are like teenagers who have pulled off a good
prank, a wonderful bit of theatre.

'We know what it takes to get you to come with us! If you'd known we were
here you would have made up some excuse, as always! Damned indiv­idualist!'
And again they shout with laughter.

Chantal knew that Leroy was planning a con­ference in London, but it was not
supposed to happen for another three weeks. How come they're here today?
Once again she has the strange feeling that what is happening is not real,
cannot be real. But that astonishment is instantly succeeded by another:
contrary to everything she might herself have supposed, she feels sincerely
happy about the presence of her colleagues, grateful to them for having set
up this surprise.

As they climb the stairs, a young colleague takes her by the arm, and she
thinks that Jean-Marc always drew her away from the life that ought to have
been hers. She heard him saying: 'You've put yourself at the centre.' And:
'You've established yourself in a citadel of conformism.' Now she retorts:

Yes. And you won't stop me from staying there!

In the crowd of travellers, her young colleague, still arm in arm, draws her
towards the police check­point at the staircase that leads down to the
platform. As if intoxicated, she continues the silent quarrel with Jean-Marc
and declares: What judge decreed that conformism is an evil and
nonconformism is a good? Isn't conforming a way of drawing close to other
people? Isn't conformism the great meeting place where everyone converges,
where life is most dense, most ardent?

From the top of the staircase she sees the London train, modern and elegant,
and she tells herself again: Whether ifs good luck or bad to be born onto
this earth, the best way to spend a life here is to let yourself be carried
along, as I am at this moment, by a cheerful, noisy crowd moving forward.

41

Seated in the taxi, he said: 'Gare du Nord!' and that was the moment of
truth: he can quit the apartment, he can toss the keys into the Seine, sleep
on the street, but he hasn't the strength to withdraw from her. Going to
look for her at the station is an act of despair, but the train for London
is the only indica­tion, the only one she has given him, and Jean-Marc is
not up to neglecting it, no matter how infinitesimal the probability that it
will show him the right path.

When he reached the station, the London train was there. He climbed the
stairs two at a time and bought his ticket; most of the passengers had
already boarded; on the platform, which was under strict surveillance, he
was the last to arrive; the whole length of the train, policemen patrolled
with German shepherd dogs trained to detect explosives; his car was full of
Japanese with cameras slung from their necks; he found his seat and sat
down.

Then he was struck by the absurdity of what he was doing. He's in a train
where, in all likelihood, the woman he's seeking is not. In three hours, he
will be in London, with no idea why he's there:

he has just enough to pay for the return trip. Distraught, he got up and
stepped out onto the platform, vaguely tempted to go back home. But how
could he go back without the keys? He had left them on the little foyer
table. Clearheaded again, he now knows that that gesture was only
sentimental histrionics for his own eyes: the concierge had a duplicate and
would readily give it to him. Waver­ing, he looked down to the end of the
platform and saw that all the exits were closed. He stopped a guard and
asked him how he might leave there;

the guard said that it was no longer possible; for security reasons, once a
person is on this train he cannot get off it; every passenger must stay
there as living guarantee that he has not planted a bomb; there are Islamic
terrorists and there are Irish terrorists; all they dream of is a massacre
in the undersea tunnel.

He got back on the train, a woman taking tickets smiled at him, all the
attendants smiled, and he thought: this, with more and bigger smiles, is how
the rocket is launched into the tunnel of death, this rocket in which the
warriors against boredom, American, German, Spanish, Korean tourists, are
willing to risk their lives in their great battle. He sat down and, as soon
as the train started, he got up and went to look for Chantal.

He entered a first-class car. On one side of the aisle there were lounge
chairs for one person, on the other for two; at the centre of the car the
chairs were turned face to face, and passengers in them were talking noisily
together. Chantal was among them. He saw her from the back: he recognized
the infinitely touching, almost funny, shape of her head with its outmoded
chignon. Seated by the window, she was taking part in the conversation,
which was lively; it could only be her colleagues from the agency; so then
she hadn't lied? However im­probable that might seem, no, certainly, she had
not lied.

He stood unmoving; he heard much laughter, and made out Chantal's. She was
cheerful. Yes, she was cheerful, and that wounded him. He watched her
gestures and they were imbued with a liveliness he did not recognize in her.
He could not hear what she was saying, but he saw her hand energetically
rising and falling; he found it impossible to recognize that hand; it was
the hand of someone else; he didn't feel that Chantal was betraying him, it
was a different thing: he felt as if she no longer existed for him, had gone
off somewhere, into some other life where, if he should meet her, he would
no longer recognize her.

42

In a pugnacious tone of voice, Chantal said: 'But how did a Trotskyite turn
religious? Where's the logic?'

'My dear friend, you know Marx's famous line: change the world.'

'Of course.'

Chantal was seated by the window, across from the oldest of her agency
colleagues, the refined lady with her ring-laden fingers; at her side, Leroy
went on talking: 'Well, our century has made one enormous thing clear: man
is not capable of changing the world and will never change it. That is the
fundamental conclusion of my experience as a revolutionary. A conclusion
that is, incidentally, tacitly accepted by everybody. But there is another
one, which goes further. This one is theological, and it says: man has no
right to change what God has created. We have to follow that injunction all
the way.'

Chantal watched him with delight: he was talking not as a giver of lessons
but as a provocateur. This is what Chantal loves in him: that dry tone of a
man for whom everything he does is a provocation in the hallowed tradition
of revolutionaries or of the avant-grade; he never forgets to epater les
bourgeois, even if he's reciting the most conventional verities. Besides,
don't the most provocative verities ("The bourgeois to the gallows!') become
the most official verities once they attain power? Convention can turn into
provocation, and provocation into convention, at the drop of a hat. What
matters is the deter­mination to go to extremes with every position. Chantal
imagines Leroy at the turbulent meetings of the 1968 student revolt,
spouting in his intelligent, logical, dry style the maxims any
commonsensical resistance was doomed to be defeated by: the bourgeoisie has
no right to exist; art that the working class doesn't understand must
disappear; science that serves the interests of the bourgeoisie is
worth­less; those who teach it must be thrown out of the university; no
freedom for the enemies of freedom. The more absurd the proposition he was
advancing, the prouder he was of it, because it takes a very great
intelligence to breathe logical meaning into mean­ingless ideas.
Chantal answered: 'All right, I agree that all change is noxious. Therefore,
it would be our duty to protect the world against change. Alas, the world is
incapable of stopping the insane rush of its trans­formations ...'

'... of which man is, however, a mere instrument,' Leroy interrupted: "The
invention of the locomotive contains the seed of the aeroplane's design,
which leads ineluctably to the space rocket. That logic is contained in the
things themselves, in other words, it is part of the divine project. You can
turn in the whole human race for a different one, and still the evolution
that leads from the bicycle to the rocket will be just the same. Man is only
an operator, not the author of that evolution. And a paltry operator at
that, since he doesn't know the meaning of what he's operating. That meaning
doesn't belong to us, it belongs to God alone, and we're here only to obey
Him so that He can do what He wants.'
She shut her eyes: the sweet word 'promiscuity' came to her mind and suffused
her; she enunciated silently to herself: 'promiscuity of ideas'. How could
such contradictory attitudes follow after one another in a single head like
two mistresses in the same bed? In the past that nearly infuriated her, but
today it entrances her: for she knows that the contrast between what Leroy
used to say and what he's professing today doesn't matter in the slightest.
Because one idea is as good as another. Because all statements and positions
carry the same value, can rub against one another, nestle, snuggle, fondle,
mingle, cuddle, couple.
A soft, slightly quavering voice rises up across from Chantal: 'But in that
case, why are we here below? Why are we living?'

It was the voice of the refined lady sitting beside Leroy, whom she adores.
Chantal thinks how Leroy is at this moment flanked by two women he must
choose between: a romantic one and a cynical one;

she hears the lady's pleading little voice, reluctant to forgo her lovely
beliefs but at the same time (in Chantal's fantasy) defending them with the
un­acknowledged hope of seeing them laid low by her demonic hero, who now
turns to her:

'Why are we living? To provide God with human flesh. Because the Bible, my
dear lady, does not ask us to seek the meaning of life. It asks us to
procreate. Love one another and procreate. Understand this:

the meaning of that "love one another" is deter­mined by that "procreate".
That "love one another" carries absolutely no implication of charitable
love, of compassionate, spiritual or passionate love, it only means very
simply "make love!" "copulate!" (he drops his voice and leans towards her)
"fuck!" ' (Like a devout disciple, docilely, the lady gazes into his eyes.)
"That, and that alone, constitutes the meaning of human life. All the rest
is bullshit.'

Leroy's reasoning is dry as a razor, and Chantal agrees: love as an
exaltation of two individuals, love as fidelity, passionate attachment to a
single person - no, that doesn't exist. And if it does exist, it is only as
self-punishment, wilful blindness, escape into a monastery. She tells
herself that even if it does exist, love ought not to exist, and the idea
does not make her bitter, on the contrary, it produces a bliss that spreads
throughout her body. She thinks of the metaphor of the rose that moves
through all men and tells herself that she has been living locked away by
love and now she is ready to obey the myth of the rose and merge with its
giddy fragrance. At that point in her reflections, she remembers Jean-Marc.
Is he still at home? Has he left? She wonders this with no emotion at all:
as if she were wondering whether ifs raining in Rome or fine in New York.

Still, however little he means to her, the memory of Jean-Marc had made her
look around. At the end of the car, she saw someone turn his back and go
into the next car. She thought she recognized Jean-Marc, trying to evade her
glance. Had it actually been he? Rather than seek the answer, she looked out
of the window: the landscape was getting uglier and uglier, the fields
greyer and greyer, and the plains spiked by a greater and greater number of
metal pylons, concrete structures, cables. A loudspeaker announced that in
the next few seconds the train would go down beneath the sea. And in fact
she saw a round black hole into which, like a snake, the train was about to
glide.

43

'We're going down,' said the refined lady, and her voice betrayed a fearful
excitement.

'Into hell,' added Chantal, who presumed that Leroy would have liked the lady
to be even more naive, even more astonished, even more fearful. She now felt
herself to be his diabolical assistant. She enjoyed the idea of bringing
this refined and prim lady to him in his bed, which she imagined not in some
sumptuous London hotel but on a rostrum in the midst of fires and wailing
and smoke and devils.

There was nothing to see through the window now, the train was in the tunnel,
and she felt herself drawing far away from her sister-in-law, from
Jean-Marc, from scrutiny, from espionage, drawing away from her life, from
her life that stuck so to her, that weighed on her; the words 'lost to sight
suddenly came to mind, and she was surprised to find that the journey
towards disappearance was not gloomy, that under the aegis of her
mythological rose, it was gentle and joyful.
'We're going deeper and deeper,' said the lady, anxiously.

'To where truth resides,' said Chantal.

'To where,' added Leroy, 'resides the answer to your question: why are we
living? What is essential in life?' He looked hard at the lady: "The
essential, in life, is to perpetuate life: it is childbirth, and what
precedes it, coitus, and what precedes coitus, seduc­tion, that is to say
kisses, hair floating in the wind, silk underwear, well-cut brassieres, and
everything else that makes people ready for coitus, for instance good food -
not fine cuisine, a superfluous thing no one appreciates any more, but the
food everyone buys - and along with food, defecation, because you know, my
dear lady, my beautiful adored lady, you know what a huge position the
praise of toilet paper and nappies occupies in our profession. Toilet paper,
nappies, detergents, food. That is man's sacred circle, and our mission is
not only to discover it, seize it, and map it, but to make it beautiful, to
transform it into song. Thanks to our influence, toilet paper is almost
exclusively pink, and that is a highly edifying fact, which, my dear and
anxious lady, I would recommend that you contemplate seriously.'

'But that's desolation, desolation!' said the lady, her voice wavering like
the lament of a woman raped. 'Ifs just desolation with make-up on! We put
make-up on desolation!'

'Yes, precisely/ said Leroy, and in mat 'precisely' Chantal heard the
pleasure he got from the refined lady's lament.

'But then where is the grandeur of life? If we're condemned to food and
coitus and toilet paper, who are we? And if that's all we're capable of,
what pride can we take in the fact that we are, as they tell us, free
beings?'

Chantal looked at the lady and thought that this was the ideal victim of an
orgy. She imagined a scene where people undressed her, chained up her old,
refined body, and forced her to recite her naive verities in a loud lament,
while in front of her they would all be copulating and exposing themselves
...

Leroy interrupted Chantal's fantasies: 'Freedom? As you live out your
desolation, you can be either unhappy or happy. Having that choice is what
comprises your freedom. You're free to melt your own individuality into the
cauldron of the multitude either with a feeling of defeat or with euphoria.
Our choice, my dear lady, is euphoria.'

Chantal felt a smile take shape on her face. She paid serious attention to
what Leroy had just said:

our only freedom is choosing between bitterness and pleasure. Since the
insignificance of all things is our lot, we should not bear it as an
affliction but learn how to enjoy it. She watched Leroy's impassive face,
the perverse and charming intelligence that radiated from it. She watched
him with affection but without desire, and she told herself (as if she were
sweeping aside her reverie of a moment past) that he had long ago
transubstantiated all his male energy into the force of his trenchant logic
and into the authority he wielded over his work group. She imagined their
exit from the train: while Leroy continued to scare the adoring woman with
his talk, Chantal would vanish discreetly into a phone booth and thence give
them all the slip.

44

The Japanese, the Americans, the Spanish, the Russians, all of them with
cameras around their necks, leave the train, and Jean-Marc tries not to lose
sight of Chantal. The broad human flood suddenly shrinks and disappears
below the platform down an escalator. At the bottom of the escalator, in the
main waiting room, a film crew rushes forward, followed by a mob of gawkers,
and blocks his way. The passengers from the train are forced to stop. There
is applause and shouting as some children come down a side staircase. They
are all wearing helmets, helmets in various colours, as if they are a sports
team, little motorcycle or ski racers. Ifs they who are being filmed.
Jean-Marc stands on tiptoe hoping to spot Chantal over the crowd's heads. At
last, he sees her. She is on the far side of the column of children, in a
telephone booth. Receiver to her ear, she is talking. Jean-Marc struggles to
cut himself a path. He jostles a cameraman who, in a fury, gives him a kick.
Jean-Marc jabs him with an elbow, and he just misses dropping his camera. A
policeman approaches and orders Jean-Marc to wait till the shooting is done.
Just then, for a second or two, his eyes meet Chantal's as she leaves the
phone booth. Again he pushes forward to get through the crowd.
The policeman twists his arm in a grip so painful that Jean-Marc doubles over
and loses sight of Chantal.

The last helmeted child has gone by and only then does the cop loosen his
grip and let him go. He looks towards the phone booth but it is empty. Near
him a group of French people has stopped; he recognizes Chantal's
colleagues.

'Where is Chantal?' he asks a girl.

She answers in a reproachful tone: 'You're the one who should know! She was
in such great spirits! But when we got off the train she disappeared!'

Another woman, fatter, is upset: 'I saw you on the train. You were signalling
her. I saw it all. You ruined everything.'

Leroy's voice breaks in: 'Let's go!'

The girl asks: 'What about Chantal?'

'She knows the address.'

'This gentleman,' says the refined lady with ring-covered fingers, 'is
looking for her too.'

Jean-Marc is sure that Leroy knows him by sight as he does Leroy. 'Hello.'

'Hello,' Leroy answers, and he smiles. 'I saw you tussling. One against the
horde.'

Jean-Marc thinks he hears some sympathy in the man's voice. In his distress
it's like a hand offered and he wants to take it; it's like a spark that, in
a moment, promises him friendship; friendship between two men who, without
knowing each other, simply out of the pleasure of a sudden mutual sympathy,
are prepared to help each other. It's as if a beautiful dream were
descending on him.

Confident, he says, 'Can you tell me the name of your hotel? I'd like to
phone and see if Chantal's there.'

Leroy is silent, then he asks: 'She didn't give it to you?'

'No.'

'In that case, excuse me,' he says kindly, almost with regret. 'I can't give
it to you.'

Snuffed out, the spark fell back down, and Jean-Marc suddenly felt a pain in
the shoulder bruised by the cop's grip. Bereft, he left the station. Not
knowing where to go, he set off, walking wherever the streets led.

As he walks, he pulls the banknotes from his pocket and counts them again. He
has enough for the return trip but nothing more. If he decides to, he can
leave right away. He'll be in Paris tonight. Obviously, that would be the
most sensible solution. What is he going to do here? He has nothing to do.
And yet he cannot leave. He'll never decide to leave. He cannot leave London
if Chantal is here.

But since he must save his money for the return trip, he cannot take a hotel
room, he cannot eat, not even a sandwich. Where is he going to sleep? All at
once he knows that the assertion he often made to Chantal is finally about
to be confirmed: that his deepest vocation is to be a marginal person, a
marginal person who has lived comfortably, true, but only under completely
uncertain and temporary circumstances. Now suddenly here is his true self,
thrown back among those he belongs with: among the poor who have no roof to
shelter their destitution.

He recalls his arguments with Chantal and feels the childish need to have her
here before him just to tell her: See, I was right, it wasn't a fake claim,
I really am who I am, a marginal person, homeless, a bum.
45

Evening had fallen and the air had chilled. He took a street lined on one
side by a row of houses, on the other by a square enclosed by black
railings. There, on the pavement that ran along the square, stood a wooden
bench; he sat down. He was exhausted and wanted to put his legs up on the
bench and stretch out. He thought: that's certainly how it starts. One day a
person puts his legs up on a bench, then night comes and he falls asleep.
That's how it happens that one fine day a person joins the tramps and turns
into one of them.

Therefore, calling on all his energies, he mastered his fatigue and remained
sitting up very straight, like a good pupil in a classroom. Behind him were
trees and in front of him, across the road, were houses; they were all
alike, white, three-storey, with two columns at the door and four windows on
each floor. He looked carefully at each passer-by on that little-travelled
street. He was determined to stay right there until he should see Chantal.
Waiting was the only thing he could do for her, for them both.

Abruptly, some thirty metres off to the right, all me windows light up in one
of the houses and inside it someone pulls red curtains dosed. He reckons
that some fashionable folk have come for a party. But he is astonished not
to have seen anyone go in; have they been there all along and are they just
turning on the lights now? Or had he perhaps dozed off unawares and not seen
them arrive? Good God, what if he'd missed Chantal while he slept?
Instantly, he is thunderstruck by the suspicion of an orgy; he hears the
words: 'You know very well why London'; and that 'you know very well'
suddenly appears in a wholly other light: London, the city of the
Englishman, the British fellow, Britannicus; it was him she was phoning from
the railway station, and it was for him she had escaped Leroy, her
colleagues, all of them.

Jealousy grips him, huge and harrowing - not the abstract, mental jealousy he
had experienced standing at the open wardrobe and asking himself the
theoretical question about Chantal's capacity to betray him, but jealousy as
he had known it in his youth, jealousy that pierces the body, that wounds
it, that is unbearable. He imagines Chantal giving herself to other men,
submissive and devoted, and he can no longer contain himself. He rises and
runs towards the house. The door, bright white, is lit by a lantern. He
turns the handle, the door opens, he enters, sees a staircase with a red
carpet, hears the sound of voices above, goes up, reaches the great
second-floor landing whose whole width is taken up by a long rack holding
not only coats but also (and this is a fresh blow to the heart) some women's
dresses and a few men's shirts. In a rage, he plunges through all these
clothes and is just reaching a great double door, also white, when a heavy
hand lands on his sore shoulder. He turns and feels on his cheek the hot
breath of a brawny man, in a T-shirt, with tattooed arms, who speaks to him
in English.

He struggles to shake off that hand, which hurts him more and more and is
pushing him towards the staircase. There, still trying to resist, he loses
his balance and only at the last moment manages to clutch at the banisters.
Vanquished, he walks slowly down the staircase. The tattooed man follows him
and when Jean-Marc stops, hesitating, at the door, he shouts something in
English and, with a raised arm, orders him to leave.

46

The image of an orgy had stayed with Chantal for a long time, in her
turbulent dreams, in her imagery, even in her conversations with Jean-Marc,
who had told her one day (one day so distant): I'd really like to be there
with you, but on one condition: that at the moment of climax each of the
participants would turn into an animal - a sheep, a cow, a goat - and that
Dionysian orgy would become a pastoral where we'd be the only ones left
among the beasts, like a shepherd and shepherdess. (That idyllic fantasy
amused her: the poor orgiasts hurrying to the mansion of debauchery unaware
that they'll be leaving there as cows.)

She is surrounded by naked people, and right now she would prefer sheep to
humans. Not wanting to see anyone any more, she closes her eyes: but behind
her lids she sees them still, their organs rising up, shrinking down, thick,
thin. It makes her think of a field with earthworms rearing upright,
bending, twisting, falling back. Then she sees not earthworms but snakes;
she is repelled and none­theless still aroused. Except that this arousal
does not stir the desire to make love again, on the contrary, the more
aroused she is the more she is repelled by her own arousal for making her
aware that her body belongs not to her own self but to this boggy field,
this field of worms and snakes.

She opens her eyes: from the adjoining room comes a woman, in her direction;
she halts in the wide-open doorway, and as if she proposed to tear Chantal
away from this male inanity, this kingdom of earthworms, she surveys Chantal
with a seductive gaze. She is tall, gorgeously built, with blonde hair
around a beautiful face. Just as Chantal is about to respond to her mute
invitation, the blonde rounds her lips and extrudes some saliva. Chantal
sees that mouth as if magnified by a powerful glass: the saliva is white and
full of tiny bubbles; the woman moves the saliva foam in and out as if to
entice Chantal, as if to promise her tender, wet kisses in which one of the
women would dissolve into the other.
Chantal watches the saliva bead and tremble and ooze on those lips, and her
disgust becomes nausea.

She turns away to hide it. But from behind her, the blonde snatches her hand.
Chantal breaks free and takes a few steps to get away. Feeling the blonde's
hand again on her body, she starts to run. She hears the breathing of her
tormentor, who probably sees her flight as an erotic game. She is trapped:
the more she tries to escape, the more she stimulates the blonde, who
attracts more tormentors to chase after her like quarry.

She turns down a corridor and hears steps behind her. The bodies pursuing her
repel her so much that her disgust swiftly turns to terror: she runs as if
she has to save her life. The corridor is long and it ends at a door that
opens onto a small tiled room with another door in one comer; she opens it,
and shuts it behind her.

In the darkness, she leans against a wall to catch her breath; then she feels
around the door and turns on the light. It is a broom closet: vacuum
cleaner, mops, aprons. And on the floor, upon a pile of rags, a dog rolled
up in a ball. No longer hearing voices from outside, she thinks: the
animals' time has come, and I'm saved. Aloud, she asks the dog: 'Which one
of those men are you?'

Suddenly she is unsettled by what she's said. My God, she wonders, where did
I get the idea that at the end of the orgy people would turn into animals?

It is strange: she has no idea at all where she got that notion. She searches
her memory and finds nothing. She just feels a sweet sensation that calls to
mind no specific memory, an enigmatic sensation, inexplicably cheering, like
a greeting from afar.

Abruptly, roughly, the door opens. A black woman has come in, small, in a
green smock. She throws Chantal a glance, unsurprised, curt, contemptuous.
Chantal steps aside to allow the woman to take the big vacuum cleaner and
leave with it. She has there­by stepped closer to the dog, who shows his
fangs and growls. Terror grips her again; she goes out.

47

She was in the corridor and had only one thought in mind: to find the landing
where her clothes were hanging on a rack. But the doors whose handles she
tried were all locked. At last, by the open double door, she entered the
salon; it seemed strangely large and empty: the black woman in the green
smock was already at work with the big vacuum cleaner. Of the whole crowd
from the evening, there remained only a few gentlemen, who stood talking,
their voices low; they were dressed and paid no attention to Chantal who,
noticing her suddenly inappropriate nakedness, watched them timidly.

Another gentleman, around seventy years old, in a white robe and slippers,
went over and spoke to them.

She racked her brains to think how she could get out, but in that very
different atmosphere, with that unexpected depopulation, the layout of the
rooms seemed almost transfigured and she was unable to get her bearings. She
saw the wide-open door to the adjoining room where the blonde with spit on
her mouth had made her advances; she went through it; the room was empty;
she stopped and looked around for a door out; there was none.

She returned to the salon and saw that meanwhile the gentlemen had left. Why
had she not paid more attention? She could have followed them! Only the
septuagenarian in the robe was there. Their gazes met and she recognized
him; with a sudden rush of confidence, she went over to him: 'I phoned you,
remember? You told me to come, but when I got here I didn't see you!'

'I know, I know, excuse me, I don't join in these children's games any more,'
he said, genially but without paying her much attention. He went to the
windows and opened them one after the other. A strong breeze blew through
the room.

'I'm so happy to find someone I know,' said Chantal, agitated.


'I've got to get rid of all this stench.'

'Tell me how to get to the landing. All my things are there.'

'Be patient/ he said, and he went into a comer of the salon where a leftover
chair stood; he brought it to her: 'Sit here. I'll take care of you as soon
as I'm free.'

The chair is set down in the centre of the salon. Docilely, she sits. The
septuagenarian goes over to the black woman and disappears with her into the
next room. Now the vacuum cleaner is roaring in there; through the noise,
Chantal hears the voice of the septuagenarian giving orders and then a few
hammer blows. A hammer? she wonders. Who's working with a hammer here? She
hasn't seen anyone! Someone must have come! But what door did he get in by?

The breeze lifts the red curtains beside the win­dows. Naked on her chair,
Chantal is cold. Again she hears the hammer blows, and, frightened, she
understands: they are nailing shut the doors! She will never get out of
here! A feeling of enormous danger sweeps through her. She rises from her
chair and takes three or four steps, but not knowing where to go, she stops.
She wants to shout for help. But who can help her? In that moment of extreme
anxiety, she glimpses again the image of a man struggling against the crowd
to get to her. Someone is twisting his arm behind his back. She cannot see
his face, sees only his contorted figure. Good Lord, she wishes she could
remember him a little more dearly, call up his features, but she can't
manage it, she knows only that it is the man who loves her and that's all
that matters to her now. She has seen him here in this city, he can't be
far. She wants to find him as soon as possible. But how? The doors are
nailed shut! Then she sees the red curtain fluttering at a window. The
windows! They're open! She has to go to the window! Shout into the street!
She can even jump out, if the window isn't too high! Another hammer blow.
And another. It's now or never. Time is working against her. This is her
last chance to act.

48

He came back to the bench, barely visible in the darkness between the only
two streetlamps, very far apart from each other.

He made to sit down and heard a howl. He jumped; a man who meantime had taken
over the bench swore at him. He went off without protesting. That's it, he
said to himself, that's my new status; I'm even going to have to fight for a
little spot to sleep in.
He stopped across the street from where the lantern hanging between the two
columns lit the white door of the house he had been thrown out of two
minutes earlier. He sat on the pavement and leaned back against the fence
that surrounded the square.

Then rain, a fine rain, began to fall. He pulled up the collar of his jacket
and watched the house.

Abruptly, one by one, the windows open. The red curtains, pulled back to the
sides, float in the breeze and let him see through to the illuminated white
ceiling. What does that mean? The party is over? But no one's come out! A
few minutes ago he was searing on the fire of jealousy and now it is only
fear he feels, only fear for Chantal. He wants to do everything for her but
he does not know what should be done and that's what is intolerable: he does
not know how to help her and yet he is the only one who can help her, he, he
alone, because she has nobody else in the world, nobody anywhere in the
world.

His face wet with tears, he stands up, takes a few steps towards the house,
and calls out her name.

49

With another chair in hand, the septuagenarian stops in front of Chantal:
'Where do you want to go?'

Startled, she sees him before her and in this moment of great consternation a
strong wave of heat rises from the depths of her body, fills her belly, her
chest, covers her face. She is in flames. She is utterly naked, she is
utterly red, and the man's gaze resting on her body is making her feel every
iota of her burning nakedness. Automatically, she puts her hand over her
breast as if to hide it. Inside her body the flames quickly consume her
courage and her rebellion. Suddenly she feels tired. Suddenly she feels
weak.

He takes her by the arm, leads her to her chair, and sets his own chair right
in front of her. They are sitting alone, face to face, close together, in
the middle of the empty salon.

The cold breeze embraces Chantal's sweating body. She shivers, and in a thin,
supplicating voice, she asks: 'Can't I get out of here?'

'And why don't you want to stay here with me, Anne?' he asks her
reproachfully.

'Anne?' She is icy with horror: 'Why do you call me Anne?'

'Isn't that your name?'

'I'm not Anne!'

'But I've always known you by the name Anne!'

From the next room a few hammer blows were again heard; he turned his head in
that direction as if he hesitated to interfere. She took advantage of that
moment of isolation to try to understand: she is naked, but they keep on
stripping her! Stripping her of her self! Stripping her of her destiny!
They'll give her a different name and then abandon her among strangers to
whom she can never explain who she is.

She no longer has any hope of getting out of this place. The doors are nailed
shut. She must, modestly, begin at the beginning. The beginning is her name.
What she wants to achieve first, as an indispensable minimum, is if to have
this man call her by her name, her real name. That's the first thing she'll
ask of him. Demand of him. But no sooner does she set herself this goal than
she realizes that her name is somehow blocked in her mind; she does not
remember it.

That fills her with panic, but she knows that her life is at stake and that
to defend herself, to fight, she must at all costs keep her head; with
furious concentration, she strains to remember: she was given three
baptismal names, yes, three, she has been using only one of them, that she
knows, but what were those three names, and which one did she retain? Good
Lord, she must have heard that name thousands of times!

The thought of the man who loved her returns to mind. If he were here, he
would call her by her name. Maybe, if she managed to remember his face, she
could imagine the mouth pronouncing her name. That seems a good trail to
follow: getting to her name by way of that man. She tries to imagine him,
and, once again, she sees a figure struggling in a crowd. The image is pale,
fleeting, she strains to hold on to it, hold it and deepen it, stretch it
back towards the past: where did he come from, that man? How did he come to
be in that crowd? Why was he fighting?

She strains to stretch that memory, and a garden appears, large, and a
country house, where among many people she makes out a small man, puny, and
she remembers having had a child with him, a child she knows nothing about
except that he is dead ...

'Where have you wandered off to, Anne?'

She raises her head and sees someone old sitting on a chair facing her and
looking at her.

'My child is dead,' she says. The memory is too weak; for that very reason
she says it loud; she thinks to make it more real that way; she thinks to
hold on to it that way, as a bit of her life slipping away from her.

He leans towards her, takes her hands, and says calmly in a voice full of
encouragement: 'Anne, forget your child, forget your dead, think about
life!'

He smiles at her. Then he waves broadly as if to indicate something immense
and sublime: 'Life! Life, Anne, life!'


The smile and the gesture fill her with dread. She stands. She trembles. Her
voice trembles: 'What life? What do you call life?'

The question she has unthinkingly asked calls up another one: what if this
was already death? What if this is what death is?

She shoves away the chair, which rolls across the salon and hits the wall.
She wants to shout but cannot find a word. A long, inarticulate 'ahhhh'
bursts from her mouth.

50

'Chantal! Chantal! Chantal!'

He was clasping her body as it shuddered with the cry.

'Wake up! Ifs not real!'

She trembled in his arms, and he told her many times more that it was not
real.

She repeated after him: 'No, it isn't real, it isn't real,' and slowly, very
slowly, she grew quiet.

And I ask myself: who was dreaming? Who dreamed this story? Who imagined it?
She? He? Both of them? Each one for the other? And starting when did their
real life change into this treacherous fantasy? When the train drove down
under the Channel? Earlier? The morning she announced her departure for
London? Even earlier than that? The day in the graphologist's office when
she met the waiter from the cafe in the Normandy town? Or earlier still?
When Jean-Marc sent her the first letter? But did he really send those
letters? Or did he only imagine writing them? At what exact moment did the
real turn into the unreal, reality into reverie? Where was the border? Where
is the border?

51

I see their two heads, in profile, lit by the light of a little bedside lamp:
Jean-Marc's head, its nape on a pillow; Chantal's head leaning close above
him.

She said: 'I'll never let you out of my sight again. I'm going to keep on
watching you and never stop.'

And after a pause: 'I get scared when my eye blinks. Scared that during that
second when my gaze goes out, a snake or a rat or another man could slip
into your place.'

He tried to raise himself a little to touch her with his lips.

She shook her head: 'No, I just want to watch you.'

And then: 'I'm going to leave the lamp on all night. Every night.'

Completed in France in Autumn 1996