## QUOTES AND IMAGES FROM MARK TWAIN

    The Project Gutenberg EBook of Quotes and Images From The Works of Mark
    Twain, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens), Edited and Arranged by David Widger

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    Title: Quotes and Images From The Works of Mark Twain

    Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
                Edited and Arranged by David Widger

    Release Date: August 30, 2004 [EBook #7556]
    [Last updated on February 19, 2007]

    Language: English

    Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

    *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUOTES FROM TWAIN ***

    Produced by David Widger

# QUOTATIONS FROM MARK TWAIN

### Birthplace

## SOME OF THE EDITOR'S FAVORITES

    Aim and object of the law and lawyers
    was to defeat justice

    All life seems to be sacred except
    human life

    Always trying to build a house by
    beginning at the top

    Believed it; because she desired to
    believe it

    Best intentions and the frailest
    resolution

    But it is an ill-wind that blows nobody
    good

    But there are liars everywhere this
    year

    Cayote is a living, breathing allegory
    of Want

    Children were clothed in nothing but
    sunshine

    Contempt of Court on the part of a
    horse

    Fertile in invention and elastic in
    conscience

    Fun—but of a mild type

    Grief that is too deep to find help in
    moan or groan or outcry

    Haughty humility

    I was not scared, but I was
    considerably agitated

    I had a delicacy about going home and
    getting thrashed

    If the man doesn't believe as we do, we
    say he is a crank

    Imagination to help his memory

    Invariably allowed a half for shrinkage
    in his statements

    It used to be a good hotel, but that
    proves nothing

    It is easier to stay out than get out

    It had cost something to upholster
    these women

    Keg of these nails—of the true cross

    Let me take your grief and help you
    carry it

    Life a vanity and a burden, and the
    future but a way to death

    Man is the only animal that blushes—or
    needs to

    Man was not a liar he only missed it by
    the skin of his teeth

    Money is most difficult to get when
    people need it most

    Native canoe is an irresponsible
    looking contrivance

    No people who are quite so vulgar as
    the over-refined ones

    No nation occupies a foot of land that
    was not stolen

    Nothing that glitters is gold

    Notion that he is less savage than the
    other savages

    Nursed his woe and exalted it

    Ostentatious of his modesty

    Otherwise they would have thought I was
    afraid, which I was

    People talk so glibly of "feeling,"
    "expression," "tone,"

    Pity is for the living, Envy is for the
    dead

    Predominance of the imagination over
    the judgment

    Profound respect for chastity—in other
    people

    Prosperity is the best protector of
    principle

    Received with a large silence that
    suggested doubt

    Road, which did not seem to know its
    own mind exactly

    Room to turn around in, but not to
    swing a cat

    Scenery in California requires distance

    Seventy is old enough—after that,
    there is too much risk

    Sleep that heals all heart-aches and
    ends all sorrows

    Slept, if one might call such a
    condition by so strong a name

    Smell about them which is peculiar but
    not entertaining

    Takes your enemy and your friend,
    working together, to hurt you

    The man with a new idea is a Crank
    until the idea succeeds

    To a delicate stomach even imaginary
    smoke can convey damage

    Tourists showing how things ought to be
    managed

    Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry
    and narrow-mindedness

    Uncomplaining impoliteness

    Very pleasant man if you were not in
    his way

    Virtuous to the verge of eccentricity

    Wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and
    now I owe two millions

    We ought never to do wrong when people
    are looking

    We must create, a public opinion, said
    Senator Dilworthy

    Well provided with cigars and other
    necessaries of life

    What's a fair wind for us is a head
    wind to them

    Whichever one they get is the one they
    want

    Worth while to get tired out, because
    one so enjoys resting

    Wrinkles should merely indicate where
    smiles have been

    Your absence when you are present

# A FEW SELECTED BOOKS

> ## FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR

>     Against nature to take an interest in familiar things
>     Age after age, the barren and meaningless process
>     All life seems to be sacred except human life
>     But there are liars everywhere this year
>     Capacity must be shown (in other work); in the law, concealment of it will do
>     Christmas brings harassment and dread to many excellent people
>     Climate which nothing can stand except rocks
>     Creature which was everything in general and nothing in particular
>     Custom supersedes all other forms of law
>     Death in life; death without its privileges
>     Every one is a moon, and has a dark side
>     Exercise, for such as like that kind of work
>     Explain the inexplicable
>     Faith is believing what you know ain't so
>     Forbids betting on a sure thing
>     Forgotten fact is news when it comes again
>     Get your formalities right—never mind about the moralities
>     Give thanks that Christmas comes but once a year
>     Good protections against temptations; but the surest is cowardice
>     Goody-goody puerilities and dreary moralities
>     Habit of assimilating incredibilities
>     Human pride is not worth while
>     Hunger is the handmaid of genius
>     If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank
>     Inherited prejudices in favor of hoary ignorances
>     It is easier to stay out than get out
>     Man is the only animal that blushes—or needs to
>     Meddling philanthropists
>     Melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy
>     Moral sense, and there is an Immoral Sense
>     Most satisfactory pet—never coming when he is called
>     Natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs
>     Neglected her habits, and hadn't any
>     Never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt
>     No nation occupies a foot of land that was not stolen
>     No people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones
>     Notion that he is less savage than the other savages
>     Only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want
>     Ostentatious of his modesty
>     Otherwise they would have thought I was afraid, which I was
>     Pity is for the living, Envy is for the dead
>     Prosperity is the best protector of principle
>     Received with a large silence that suggested doubt
>     Seventy is old enough—after that, there is too much risk
>     Silent lie and a spoken one
>     Sinking vessel, with no freight in her to throw over
>     Takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you
>     Thankfulness is not so general
>     The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds
>     This is a poor old ship, and ought to be insured and sunk
>     To a delicate stomach even imaginary smoke can convey damage
>     Tourists showing how things ought to be managed
>     Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been

> ## THE INNOCENTS ABROAD

>     Ancient painters never succeeded in denationalizing themselves
>     Apocryphal New Testament
>     Astonishing talent for seeing things that had already passed
>     Bade our party a kind good-bye, and proceeded to count spoons
>     Base flattery to call them immoral
>     Bones of St Denis
>     But it is an ill-wind that blows nobody good
>     Buy the man out, goodwill and all
>     By dividing this statement up among eight
>     Carry soap with them
>     Chapel of the Invention of the Cross
>     Christopher Colombo
>     Clustered thick with stony, mutilated saints
>     Commend me to Fennimore Cooper to find beauty in the Indians
>     Conceived a sort of unwarrantable unfriendliness
>     Confer the rest of their disastrous patronage on some other firm
>     Creator made Italy from designs by Michael Angelo!
>     Cringing spirit of those great men
>     Diffident young man, mild of moustache, affluent of hair
>     Expression
>     Felt that it was not right to steal grapes
>     Fenimore Cooper Indians
>     Filed away among the archives of Russia—in the stove
>     For dismal scenery, I think Palestine must be the prince
>     Free from self-consciousness—which is at breakfast
>     Fumigation is cheaper than soap
>     Fun—but of a mild type
>     Getting rich very deliberately—very deliberately indeed
>     Guides
>     Have a prodigious quantity of mind
>     He never bored but he struck water
>     He ought to be dammed—or leveed
>     Holy Family always lived in grottoes
>     How tame a sight his country's flag is at home
>     I am going to try to worry along without it
>     I carried the sash along with me—I did not need the sash
>     I had a delicacy about going home and getting thrashed
>     I was not scared, but I was considerably agitated
>     Is, ah—is he dead?
>     It is a hopeless, dreary, heart-broken land
>     It is inferior—for coffee—but it is pretty fair tea
>     It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing
>     It was warm.  It was the warmest place I ever was in
>     Joshua
>     Journals so voluminously begun
>     Keg of these nails—of the true cross
>     Lean and mean old age
>     Man peculiarly and insufferably self-conceited: not seasick
>     Marks the exact centre of the earth
>     Nauseous adulation of princely patrons
>     Never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language
>     Never left any chance for newspaper controversies
>     Never uses a one-syllable word when he can think of a longer one
>     No satisfaction in being a Pope in those days
>     Not afraid of a million Bedouins
>     Not bring ourselves to think St John had two sets of ashes
>     Old Travelers
>     One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare
>     Only solitary thing one does not smell in Turkey
>     Oriental splendor!
>     Original first shoddy contract mentioned in history
>     Overflowing his banks
>     People talk so glibly of "feeling," "expression," "tone,"
>     Perdition catch all the guides
>     Picture which one ought to see once—not oftener
>     Polite hotel waiter who isn't an idiot
>     Relic matter a little overdone?
>     Room to turn around in, but not to swing a cat
>     Saviour, who seems to be of little importance any where in Rome
>     Self-satisfied monarch, the railroad conductor of America
>     Sentimental praises of the Arab's idolatry of his horse
>     She assumes a crushing dignity
>     Shepherd's Hotel, which is the worst on earth
>     Smell about them which is peculiar but not entertaining
>     Some people can not stand prosperity
>     Somewhat singular taste in the matter of relics
>     St Charles Borromeo, Bishop of Milan
>     St Helena, the mother of Constantine
>     Starving to death
>     Stirring times here for a while if the last trump should blow
>     Tahoe means grasshoppers.  It means grasshopper soup
>     The information the ancients didn't have was very voluminous
>     The Last Supper
>     There was a good deal of sameness about it
>     They were like nearly all the Frenchwomen I ever saw—homely
>     They were seasick.   And I was glad of it
>     Those delightful parrots who have "been here before"
>     To give birth to an idea
>     Toll the signal for the St Bartholomew's Massacre
>     Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness
>     Uncomplaining impoliteness
>     Under the charitable moon
>     Used fine tooth combs—successfully
>     Venitian visiting young ladies
>     Wandering Jew
>     Wasn't enough of it to make a pie
>     We all like to see people seasick when we are not, ourselves
>     Well provided with cigars and other necessaries of life
>     What's a fair wind for us is a head wind to them
>     Whichever one they get is the one they want
>     Who have actually forgotten their mother tongue in three months
>     Worth while to get tired out, because one so enjoys resting

> ## ROUGHING IT

>     Aim and object of the law and lawyers was to defeat justice
>     American saddle
>     Cayote is a living, breathing allegory of Want
>     Children were clothed in nothing but sunshine
>     Contempt of Court on the part of a horse
>     Feared a great deal more than the almighty
>     Fertile in invention and elastic in conscience
>     Give one's watch a good long undisturbed spell
>     He was nearly lightnin' on superintending
>     He was one of the deadest men that ever lived
>     Hotel clerk who was crusty and disobliging
>     I had never seen lightning go like that horse
>     Juries composed of fools and rascals
>     List of things which we had seen and some other people had not
>     Man was not a liar he only missed it by the skin of his teeth
>     Most impossible reminiscences sound plausible
>     Native canoe is an irresponsible looking contrivance
>     Never knew there was a hell!
>     Nothing that glitters is gold
>     Profound respect for chastity—in other people
>     Scenery in California requires distance
>     Slept, if one might call such a condition by so strong a name
>     Useful information and entertaining nonsense
>     Virtuous to the verge of eccentricity

> ## THE GILDED AGE

>     Accidental murder resulting from justifiable insanity
>     Always trying to build a house by beginning at the top
>     Appropriation
>     Beautiful credit!  The foundation of modern society
>     Believed it; because she desired to believe it
>     Best intentions and the frailest resolution
>     Big babies with beards
>     Cheap sentiment and high and mighty dialogue
>     Conscious superiority
>     Does your doctor know any thing
>     Enjoy icebergs—as scenery but not as company
>     Erie RR: causeway of cracked rails and cows, to the West
>     Fever of speculation
>     Final resort of the disappointed of her sex, the lecture platform
>     Geographical habits
>     Get away and find a place where he could despise himself
>     Gossips were soon at work
>     Grand old benevolent National Asylum for the Helpless
>     Grief that is too deep to find help in moan or groan or outcry
>     Haughty humility
>     Having no factitious weight of dignity to carry
>     Imagination to help his memory
>     Invariably advised to settle—no matter how, but settle
>     Invariably allowed a half for shrinkage in his statements
>     Is this your first visit?
>     It had cost something to upholster these women
>     Large amount of money necessary to make a small hole
>     Later years brought their disenchanting wisdom
>     Let me take your grief and help you carry it
>     Life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death
>     Mail train which has never run over a cow
>     Meant no harm they only wanted to know
>     Money is most difficult to get when people need it most
>     Never sewed when she could avoid it.  Bless her!
>     Nursed his woe and exalted it
>     Predominance of the imagination over the judgment
>     Question was asked and answered—in their eyes
>     Riches enough to be able to gratify reasonable desires
>     Road, which did not seem to know its own mind exactly
>     Sarcasms of fate
>     Sleep that heals all heart-aches and ends all sorrows
>     Small gossip stood a very poor chance
>     Sun bothers along over the Atlantic
>     Think a Congress of ours could convict the devil of anything
>     Titles never die in America
>     Too much grace and too little wine
>     Understood the virtues of "addition, division and silence"
>     Unlimited reliance upon human promises
>     Very pleasant man if you were not in his way
>     Wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions
>     "We must create, a public opinion," said Senator Dilworthy
>     We'll make you think you never was at home before
>     We've all got to come to it at last, anyway!
>     Widened, and deepened, and straightened—(Public river Project)
>     Wished that she could see his sufferings now
>     Your absence when you are present

> ## MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES

>     A little pride always goes along with a teaspoonful of brains
>     Ain't any real difference between triplets and an insurrection
>     Chastity, you can carry it too far
>     Classic: everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read
>     Don't know anything and can't do anything
>     Dwell on the particulars with senile rapture
>     Future great historian is lying—and doubtless will continue to
>     Head is full of history, and some of it is true, too
>     Humor enlivens and enlightens his morality
>     I shall never be as dead again as I was then
>     If can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road: don't go
>     Kill a lot of poets for writing about "Beautiful Spring"
>     Live upon the property of their heirs so long
>     Morality is all the better for his humor
>     Morals: rather teach them than practice them any day
>     Never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why
>     Never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake
>     Patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel
>     Please state what figure you hold him at—and return the basket
>     Principles is another name for prejudices
>     She bears our children—ours as a general thing
>     Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress
>     The Essex band done the best it could
>     Time-expired man, to use Kipling's military phrase
>     To exaggerate is the only way I can approximate to the truth
>     Two kinds of Christian morals, one private and the other public
>     What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman?
>     When in doubt, tell the truth
>     Women always want to know what is going on

> ## SKETCHES NEW AND OLD

>     A wood-fire is not a permanent thing
>     Accessory before the fact to his own murder
>     Aggregate to positive unhappiness
>     Always brought in 'not guilty'
>     Apocryphal was no slouch of a word, emanating from the source
>     Assertion is not proof
>     Early to bed and early to rise
>     I am useless and a nuisance, a cumberer of the earth
>     I never was so scared before and survived it
>     If I had sprung a leak now I had been lost
>     Just about cats enough for three apiece all around
>     Looked a look of vicious happiness
>     Lucid and unintoxicated intervals
>     No matter how absurd and unreasonable their demands
>     No public can withstand magnanimity
>     Not because I was afraid, but because I wanted to (go out the window)
>     Permanent reliable enemy
>     Science only needed a spoonful of supposition to build a mountain
>     State of mind bordering on impatience
>     Walking five miles to fish
>     Was a good deal annoyed when it appeared he was going to die

> ## TWAIN'S LETTERS V1 1835-1866

>     A mighty national menace to sham
>     All talk and no cider
>     Condition my room is always in when you are not around
>     Deprived of the soothing consolation of swearing
>     Frankness is a jewel; only the young can afford it
>     Genius defies the laws of perspective
>     Hope deferred maketh the heart sick
>     I never greatly envied anybody but the dead
>     In the long analysis of the ages it is the truth that counts
>     Just about enough cats to go round
>     Moral bulwark reared against hypocrisy and superstition
>     The coveted estate of silence, time's only absolute gift
>     We went outside to keep from getting wet
>     What a pleasure there is in revenge!
>     When in doubt, tell the truth
>     When it is my turn, I don't

> ## TWAIN'S LETTERS V4 1886-1900

>     And I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55
>     Argument against suicide
>     Conversationally being yelled at
>     Dead people who go through the motions of life
>     Die in the promptest kind of a way and no fooling around
>     Heroic endurance that resembles contentment
>     Honest men must be pretty scarce
>     I wonder how they can lie so.  It comes of practice, no doubt
>     If this is going to be too much trouble to you
>     One should be gentle with the ignorant
>     Sunday is the only day that brings unbearable leisure
>     Symbol of the human race ought to be an ax
>     What a pity it is that one's adventures never happen!

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