Michael Swanwick's Periodic Table of Science Fiction

Ytterbium

173.04

Elements Day

Ytterby is a small town on an island ten miles northeast of Stockholm,

and has the pleasant distinction of having four elements?erbium, terbium,

yttrium, and ytterbium?named after it. All were extracted from ore mined

in a feldspar quarry there.

Small wonder that Elements Day is such a big deal in Ytterby.

If ever you have the opportunity to attend, by all means do?nobody knows

how to have good, rowdy fun like the Swedes! The day begins with not one

but two parades, one representing Organic Chemistry and the other

Inorganic. Each is led by a "fool chemist," madly dressed in stained lab

smock and colored goggles, riding an enormous Erlenmeyer or Florence

flask on a float pushed by dozens of riotous celebrants.

Around and through the narrow streets of Ytterby the parades circle in

upon each other, finally clashing at the center of town, where the fool

chemists mock-joust with long spatulas. The crowd joins in an enormous

food fight (for all food is, ultimately, chemicals), flinging handfuls of

spaghetti, lasagna and other traditional dishes about with great abandon.

After the War between Organic and Inorganic Chemistry there are numerous

contests, competitions and attractions: rare mud wrestling, a battle of

the brass bands, a race to synthesize a silk purse from a sow's ear, a

heavy metal concert, and much, much more.

For the boys, there is a "best impersonation" competition, in which they

dress up as Berzelius, Scheele, and other great Swedish chemists. The

young ladies compete in a beauty contest for the honor of becoming Miss

Ytterby. The four runners-up serve as her court of honor, one of each of

the local elements.

At night the fun continues with fireworks, dancing in the streets, and

the sort of wild carousing that would make a German blush. Finally,

though, the music dies away, the lights fade, and the streets empty. Two

by two, the Swedes retire to their bedrooms, there to behave in an

elemental fashion.