Michael Swanwick's Periodic Table of Science Fiction

Uranium

238.03

Cooking With Uranium

Get out those antique red Fiestaware plates! With the new nanotechnology

treatments, you don't have to worry anymore about contracting cancer from

the uranium in the glaze! Well, technically speaking, you never did ?

While acidic foods like vinegar and tomato sauce will leach uranium from

the plates, the FDA has determined that the "yellowcake" oxide in

Fiestaware isn't concentrated enough to be directly dangerous. Though it

does ooze seven times more radon through cracks in the glazing than is

absolutely safe.

But Fiestaware is only the beginning. Cherché Gourmet paid a visit

recently to Nagasaki, the hot new Manhattan "uranium bar" made possible

by the aforementioned nanotech and a recent ruling by the NRC. And what

an experience it was!

Picture a sushi bar gone ultratech. That's Nagasaki. Diners sit on high

chrome stools at long counter tops, directly across from chefs dressed in

lead radiation suits. That's not entirely for show! The counter tops are

made of depleted uranium, which may not be strong enough for weapons use

but is still warm to the touch. Even with the lead suits, the chefs have

to undergo full nanotreatment monthly.

But that's the gimmick. The food is cooked directly before the diners on

thick uranium platters. When they're set down on the counter tops, the

platters achieve subcritical mass and begin to heat up! It's an

eye-popping demonstration of the power of technology?particularly since

most of the recipes involve flaming brandy.

All the food was excellent, and the mushroom surprise was, as advertised,

shaped like a mushroom and a complete surprise. The food is served piping

hot, so be careful not to burn your mouth!

The only criticism that might be made of Nagasaki at all is the way they

decorated the walls. Blowing up classic photographs is pretty standard in

trendy restaurants these days, but whose decision was it to use post-bomb

photos of the survivors of the bombing raid of August 9, 1945? Honestly,

it's enough to put a diner off his feed.

Still, it's an improvement over the theme restaurant that was in the same

space last year. Those who ate there?and there were at least three before

they closed?all agreed that never again would any of us ever return to

Biafra.

The End