Michael Swanwick's Periodic Table of Science Fiction

Potassium

39.0983

Bananas

Electrolytes are the message-bearing ions within your body capable of

moving across cell membranes. Without them, you couldn't function. But if

you want to avoid heart disease?if you want to live forever?you must

first adjust your electrolyte balances by dropping sodium ions and

replacing them with potassium.

To do this, you must eat bananas. A lot of bananas. Every meal, every

day, for the rest of your life.

Bananas are rich in potassium. That's why monkeys eat them. Potassium is

good for all anthropoids, most definitely including humans. It promotes

longevity.

Potassium is, in fact, the keystone of your immortality upgrade. It is

only fair to warn you, however, that since achieving immortality is such

a complex process, there will inevitably be a few minor side effects, for

which you should be prepared.

The first of these is hair gain. Many patients express dismay when a

thick luxurious pelt grows everywhere on their bodies except their palms

and soles. Women in particular are upset at discovering they have hairy

breasts. However, since those breasts can be expected to shrink to almost

nothing, this is in the long run a non-issue.

The sudden acquisition of a tail is more problematic. Particularly when

young males are about, the opportunities for low humor seem almost

limitless. There is no denying, however, that the new appendage can prove

extremely useful, especially when brachiating. And since brachiation will

be made all but mandatory by your new, stooped posture and lengthened

forelimbs, this may be viewed as something of a hidden blessing.

Finally, there is the question of intelligence. Many candidates for

immortality seem inordinately attached to their intellect, and grow quite

irate when they realize exactly how much of it they must gave up. Readers

in particular are prone to violence at this point.

However, this anger never lasts. Immortals quickly adjust to their new

mental status, and even come to value and esteem it over their old. At

least, that's what observers believe. Being incapable of speech, the

immortals themselves of course cannot tell what they are thinking. But

they seem happy enough.

All this will prove an insurmountable obstacle to some. Others, however,

the more visionary and far-thinking, will realize that immortality is

worth any price. The future is theirs. It can be yours, too, at a

perfectly reasonable cost. Sign up today!

Come on, you apes! Do you want to live forever?