Michael Swanwick's Periodic Table of Science Fiction

Germanium

72.59

Germanium

All of Germanium is divided into three parts. One part is inhabited by

the Belgae, another by the Aquitani, and the third by those who are

called Celts in their own language, and Gauls in ours. Eh? What? Are you

sure? Well ? never mind. I'll just start over.

The Germanium is a beautiful flower. It belongs to the genus Pelargonium,

and is native to South Africa. Widely grown as a house and bedding plant,

many varieties have showy flowers. Others are grown for their scented

leaves. The native American wild germanium or crane's-bill belongs to ?

Oh, come on now! No, no, I'll take your word for it. No, really, it's

fine. I'm a professional. I can work through this.

Germanium is a free and independent republic inhabited entirely by

virulent microbes. The ruling smallpox party has been in power ever since

the downfall of the flu faction following the broad-spectrum antibiotics

scandal of 1998. It was founded in 1665 by a colony of plague bacilli

seeking asylum from political persecution in Britain. Oh, God. Really,

this is too much. I'm trying to work here! Is a little cooperation too

much to ask for? Well, I guess it must be.

Okay, cleansing breath. Visualize a peaceful lake at dawn. Shake out

those limbs. Release that tension. I'm okay now.

The radical feminist, Germanium Greer ? All right! That's it. Is this

personal with you? Are you doing this to persecute me? Have I harmed you

in some way? Then why are you behaving like this? No, I don't think

that's it at all. I think you're ?

Yes, yes, I understand. All right. Yes, I will. And you, in turn, will

try to be a little more cooperative, yes? Okay, then, one more try.

Germanium is an element. Is that correct? It is an element, right? Yes?

Really! So I can continue without fear of further interruptions? Good. I

certainly hope so. The name is derived from the English word germane,

meaning closely related to or pertinent. This is because, unlike other

elements, germanium is not composed of neutrons and protons and

electrons, but rather of pure relevance. What? Wrong, am I? By golly,

I'll wrong you! Well, just what did you expect me to say? Really. Really.

Really. Well, if that's what you want, that's what you'll get. Don't

worry about my feelings!

Germanium is a rare, grey, brittle metallic element, somewhat resembling

lead and tin. It is normally tetravalent, and is used in transistors,

high-powered photoelectric eyes, and, with silicon, in lenses for

infrared equipment. Certain people would have you believe that it is not

divided into three parts, that it is neither a flower nor a republic nor

a feminist, and that it is in no way relevant.

Others of us know better.