Michael Swanwick's Periodic Table of Science Fiction

Fluorine

18.9984

The Message

The John Birch Society was right. Fluoridation isa plot. Not of

Communists, however.

Toothpaste, it turns out, is a virus from outer space.

Impossibly distant, wonderfully evolved aliens detected our existence

long eons ago. Benevolent creatures of ethereal purity, they resolved to

do what they could to improve our lives. At enormous cost, they devised

viral messengers of great subtlety and launched them across the void.

For a million years, the dust floated between stars. Hominids emerged

from the African veldt and, as foreseen, built civilizations. Finally, in

the late 1950s and early 1960s, the viral messengers arrived, floating

down unnoticed from the night sky.

Nanomachines unpacked themselves. Insights spontaneously blossomed within

human brains. By a series of what seemed logical decisions, fluoride was

introduced into the drinking water.

Unfortunately, the aliens had conquered their baser instincts so long ago

that they had completely forgotten about war, racism, aggression, and all

the myriad woes we humans bring upon ourselves. These they could easily

have cured. But they knew nothing of them. So they gave us the greatest

gift they could think of.

The purpose of fluoridation is to prevent tooth decay.