Michael Swanwick's Periodic Table of Science Fiction

Berkelium

(247)

Vindicating Bishop Berkeley

Two more beers, please. Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes.

"Thus I refute Bishop Berkeley!" Samuel Johnson famously cried, and

kicked a rock. What lay behind this incident was the bishop-philosopher's

"subjective idealism"?the theory that all qualities are known only in the

mind and that therefore matter does not exist apart from its being

perceived. Johnson's homely counter-argument?that matter exists because

it does?was marred by the fact that his stubbed toe was in itself an

instrument of perception.

In fact, the good bishop was right. As was demonstrated by a recent

experiment designed to determine once and for all whether a tree falling

in the forest when no one is there makes a sound or not. An isolated tree

was sawed through to the point where a strong breeze would topple it, a

tape recorder was set running, and the researchers departed from the

area. After enough time had passed to ensure the tree must have surely

fallen, they returned.

The result? Not only was there no recording of the tree falling, but the

tape recorder was gone! As were the tree itself and the section of forest

it was in. In the absence of perception, they had all ceased to be.

To confirm their startling finding, the scientists placed one of their

number in a soundproofed closet, closed the door, and opened it again.

The closet was empty. That instant of imperceptibility had rendered him

nonexistent. Proving that all that stands between any one of us and

oblivion is the presence of other people.

Why am I telling you this, you ask? Baby, it's because I care for you. I

really do. Even though we just met, I'd feel terrible if anything were to

happen to you.

And, well ? I don't think you should go home tonight alone.

The End