Pirates of the Somali Coast TERRY BISSON From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: CRUISE Date: July 20, 2007 9:54 AM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom Yo ho ho from your son on the High Sea at last. Aunt Bea says HLO. The cabin is so small but thats OK because the ship is so big. There arent many other kids aboard, mostly old folks like Unc and Aunt Bea. The ship doesn’t have any masts or sails but there are 2 swimming pools, one on deck and one inside that’s not so nice. The sailors don’t dress like sailers. They dress like waiters in a restraunt. Hope we see Pirates or have a big storm soon. PS, thanks for the Pirate hat, Unc says it makes me look fearfull. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: FRIGATE Date: July 20, 2007 10:14 AM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug Yo ho ho, its me, ahoy from the High Sea. I am sailing on the frigate African Princess. Its not really a frigate but a cruise ship filled with old people, but they have a Game Room where I can send email. Its send-only tho so I cant get any back. Mom and dad sent me on a cruise with my uncle and aunt (ugh). Well be gone a week. The games here suck but they have a kids version of Grand Theft Auto (duh). Maybe there will be sharks and Pirates. Or Rogue Waves like on that TV special. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: CRUISE Date: July 21, 2007 9:06 AM ADT To: mom4@aol.com HI MOM Aunt Bea says HLO. She wont go out much because she is sea sick almost every day even if the water is smooth. I am hoping for a Rogue Wave but so far everything is smooth. I saw a dolphin yesterday. They swim along the bow of the ship like they are racing it. That’s the front. Tell dad HLO. Unc is in the Casino all day. He doesnt like the ocean much. He told me to muse my self so I am in the Game Room where there are 6 computers. The food is xcelent and we can have all the desert we want. There are 2 pools. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: KNOTS Date: July 21, 2007 10:34 AM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bugg The ship is 22 thousand tons. I have a friend in the crew, his name is Curtis and hes from Cape Town like us. Hes Coloured but very cool. He has heard of Rogue Waves but never seen one. Hes not xactly an Old Salt! Yesterday we made 194 knots which is more than 200 miles. I wish the African Princess had sails instead of big engines you cant even see. We saw a sail yesterday but it was just a yacht from Durban with a topless girl. Ugh. No Pirates yet! We are heading up the coast and will go through Suez next week. Curtis says its like driving through the desert. Maybe I will see a camel like the one we saw pissing on the school trip last year. And Arabs too! Its a canal. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: CRUISE NEWS Date: July 23, 2007 5:06 PM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom There is lots to do for kids but not many kids, only 6. Two of the boys are super stupid but one has a Gameboy. There is a movie theater xpecialy for us. Today they showed Pirates of the Caribbean with Johnny Depp. I sat next to a girl named Estelle from Johannesburg. She calls it Joeburg. I never herd that before. Curtis my sailer friend, says there arent Pirates anymore and he’s glad but I am not. I am wearing the Pirate hat you gave me everyday. Curtis and the crew dress like people in restraunts. Unc says HLO. He is in the Casino all day and Aunt Bea is sea sick in the cabin so it smells super bad. They dont have any friends. wish you and Dad were here. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: JOHNNY DEPP NOT Date: July 24, 2007 10:34 AM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bugg Saw a Pirate yesterday! NOT. It was just a crew sailer named Curtis in a Johnny Depp mask. They had a Pirate Day for the kids and they gave us all Pirate hats but theres were just paper. Mine was the only real one. Curtis made us all walk the plank at the pool. His cutlass was plastic. The girls wore there bathing suits (ugh). Then we had songs and Estelle tried to kiss me. She is crazy. Tomorrow we are crossing the Equator. It is an invisible line. Whats so hot about that? I wish there were real Pirates. The ocean is BO RING! From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: CRUISE Date: July 25, 2007 5:06 PM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom Unc lost a thousand Rand in the casino and said not to tell Aunt Bea, like I would. Aunt Bea is still sea sick even tho there are no waves at all. The sea is like a big pond. I wish we had a Rogue Wave. The cabin smells like vomit. Im sorry but it does. She says the whiskey helps but you wouldnt think so. It’s the same kind you took from her at Christmas, Cutty Sark. That was a clipper ship. This is not a real ship. There was an equator ceremony today and the captain was King Neptune. He is fat! I miss you and dad to. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE DAY Date: July 26, 2007 10:34 AM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug Yohoho, guess what, today was Real Pirate day! They were in a speedboat without any sails. They raced along side the Princess and shot at us with machine guns. It was cool. They were standing up in the speedboat and firing like crazy. They hit one old man and took off the side of his head, just like in the Viking Raid game only that was an ax. The captain made the ship zig zag. We have no cannons or cutlasses whatso ever. They made all the kids hide in the Game Room. That’s where we are now. Estelle and I tried to sneak out to see the Pirates but they made us go back. She’s not so bad. We can hear the shooting tho. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE DAY Date: July 26, 2007 4:19 PM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Dude The Pirates were all gone when they let us out. The old people are all crying even tho only one is dead. They all ready cleaned up all the blood. Estelle looked under the sheet and saw his half head. She likes Pirate stuff. Old people donlt like Pirates or adventure at all. Whats the point of a cruise then? More later From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE DAY Date: July 27, 2007 10:19 AM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom Guess what, there were Pirates yesterday, but we got away with zig zags. I wanted to see them but the crew made us stay in the Game Room. One old man was killed. I have one friend, her name is Estelle. She’s the one from Joeburg. Aunt Bea wants to go home. Not me, tho. Things are Looking Up as Dad likes to say. Curtis says maybe more Pirates today. I have my fingers crossed. He is my Coloured sailer friend. You would like him. He doesnt say there arent any Pirates any more. Yo ho ho! From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE DAY Date: July 27, 2007 10:19 AM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug Big news! We have been captured by Pirates for real. Im not kidding. They are the same ones in the speedboat, but this time they had a little cannon. It was cool. They blew out all the windows out of the Bridge with one shot. That’s where the captain mans the wheel. Talk about glass every where. Then they boarded the ship, climbing up ropes just like in the movies. Nobody fought them. At first I thought they were fake because they all wore Johnny Depp masks but that was just to scare people. They are real Pirates, about twenty, all Arabs. They wear scarfs instead of Pirate hats, but they all have guns. Some are machine guns. Can you believe my luck? They are making all the kids stay in the Game Room. But we can hear them all ready Plundering outside. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE DAY Date: July 28, 2007 10:19 AM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom Its official. The African Princess has been captured by Pirates, and it’s very xciteing. They are real Pirates. They boarded us yesterday with ropes. At first they wore Johnny Depp masks but they were just plastic so they they took them off and locked all the men in the Casino. Most of them were there already anyway. They dont have any cutlass’s but they have machine guns and revolvers, plus lots of cool knives and a chainsaw to. I guess Aunt Bea is still in the cabin. I have to stay in the Game Room with the other kids. It smells better here! From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE WEEK Date: July 28, 2007 3:14 PM ADT To: bugdude@aol.com Yo Bug Guess what, I met the Pirate captain. His name is Ali and he is just like Jack Sparrow, for real! I told him about Pirate Day and he said its Pirate Week now. Cool! He is the almost only one that knows English. Ali let me help with the Pillaging. He likes my hat. They lined up all the ladies and took their rings and jewels. Sometimes they just cut their fingers right off. I helped pick them up like little wurms. They were all begging for mercy, not the Pirates of course, they were laughing. Then they raped some. Ugh. That was like sex fighting. Pirates like the fat ones best. Theres lots of blood, xspecially on the stairs and they dont clean it up. It makes it more realistic. Yo ho ho From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE WEEK Date: July 29, 2007 10:19 AM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom Hello from the pirate ship African Princess. I told Ali they should change the name but they are all Arabs. They are Plundering and Pillaging all the grown ups. They call them Jew Pigs. Today they poured out all the whiskey, you would like that! Two of the men were drunk so they cut there throats Pirate style. Ali says its Pirate Week! He’s my favorite. Aunt Bea is hiding in the cabin tho. Still sea sick I guess, plus she doesn’t like Pirate stuff. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE DAY Date: July 29, 2007 1:21 PM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug The Pirates are sailing the ship now. some of the crew has joined them. Curtis who was my friend, didnt want to so they cut off his nose and threw him over board. I tried to tell him! I still have his nose. It’s a souvenir of Pirate Week. Its fun to look over the rail, there are sharks everywhere. They seem very happy with there big grins (joke). Estelle and I tried to count them but we gave up at 100. She likes Pirates to. The other kids are hope less. More later. Yr pal. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE DAY Date: July 30, 2007 10:06 AM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom The trip through Suez has been called off, according to the Pirates. I guess well be heading home soon. The head Pirate is called Ali. He has lots of real tattoos. The other pirates have to do like he says. He wears a scarf around his head and even has gold teeth and a little beard. I call him Jack Sparrow and he laughs and called me matey. He’s the only Pirate that speaks English and its None Too Good as Dad would say. I think he likes my Pirate hat. I have a cutlass but its plastic. I wish I had a real one. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: July 30, 2007 2:10 PM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bugg Pirates like to hang people. There are no yardarms on the African Princess so they hang them from the railings. Most of them are pretty fat so they dont kick long. The kicking is the best part. They also pee in there pants (ugh). Ali lets me tie all the knots. Can you believe Pirates don’t know any knots?! I just do a bowline and a loop. I know that from Scouts and it looks noosey. You just add some xtra turns. Ali calls me Matey. He gave me a Pirate necklace made out of fingers. They are all curled up. Creepy!! I have another Pirate friend named Claude. Wish you were here. PS The worst thing about hanging is to pee in your pants! From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE WEEK Date: August 1, 2007 5:12 PM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom Today we crossed the Equator again. Its an invisible line. One Pirate who is very cruel, his name is Claude was dressed up like Neptune the King of the Sea. He used the chain saw to push people in to the pool. Ali made them all line up. The Pirates were all having fun. It was the nice pool, the other ones not as nice, but now the water is pink with stuff floating in it (ugh) and Estelle is mad because she says they ruined the pool. She is a good diver. Love— From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE DAY Date: August 2, 2007 10:19 AM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug Everyday the Pirates kill people in funny ways. Some times they use the chain saw but its not traditional. Best of all was when they killed the captain. Hes this fat old dude in his underwear. They put a rat in his mouth and taped it shut with duck tape, then we got to watch the rat eat his face from inside. It took awhile but it was cool. Estelle got sick. They are Plundering like crazy. One old lady hid her gold in her bosom so they set her on fire. She was hard to light so they used gasoline. They poured it out of the chain saw over her big hair do. They borrowed a lighter from her husband. She was spinning around and knocking stuff over, so they pushed her overboard with sticks because she was to hot to touch. She made a hissing sound like fireworks when she hit the water. You know, the one they call the Snake. I hollered Yo Ho Ho and Ali just laughed. Did I tell you about Claude? He let me wear his Johnny Depp mask. He was in the French Foreign Legion and he speaks English to. I like him better than the Arabs Xcept for Ali. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE WEEK Date: August 2, 2007 4:17 PM ADT To: mom4@aol.com The Pirates are still Plundering and Pillaging. They make us stay in the Game Room a lot, which is BO RING but I get to help sometimes. Estelle too. She is fun for a girl. All the other kids are cry babies. Mean while I hope a storm doesn’t come because the Pirates are not very good at sailing the ship. Its zigging and zagging but Ali doesn’t care. He is captain now. I just wish it had sails. Unc is still locked in the Casino with the other old men. They are all crying for mercy and stuff. I have a new friend named Claude. He gave me his Johnny Depp mask. He was in the French Foreign Legion but he’s German. As dad would say, Go Figure! Love— From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: August 3, 2007 10:11 AM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug Guess what I have a Gameboy! This one boy, Vernon wouldnt stop crying so the Pirates put a plastic bag over his head. Pirates dont like cry babys. I don’t blame them, who does? He was looking at me like crazy when he aspired and I just said Game Over and they all laughed even though they dont know English. Maybe they know a little. They gave me his GameBoy! But the batteries are all ready dead, just my luck. Estelle says HLO. She wants to meat you when this is over. I told her all about you, not everything tho! She tried to kiss me again. She likes Pirate stuff to. She thinks she is so cute in her bathing suit.:) From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: August 3, 2007 2:24 PM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom Remember last Christmas when dad said somebody should put Aunt Bea out of her misery, and you all laughed because I thought he said mystery? Well anyway the pirates did. I went down to the cabin to get some batteries for my GameBoy and she was all cut up in peaces. They found her hiding place. Most of her fingers were gone but one. They left one ring and I saved it for you as a souvenir of Pirate Week. I have a GameBoy now. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: BATTLE ALERT Date: August 4, 2007 6:29 PM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug Today was the best! 3 helcopters came and buzzed around while the Pirates waved their guns at them. 2 were from TV and the other was Navy with duble rotors. There was a battle with machine guns and every thing. One of the Pirates was cut in 2 like a saw. Then one of the Pirates had a rocket thing and shot down the Navy helcopter. It spun around just like in Black Hawn Down, burning and everything! As soon as it hit the water, they started swimming out and the Pirates shot them in the water. That was fun. Claude even let me use his gun. It kicks so bad I fell backward and the Pirates all laughed. Im getting used to there cruel humor. Claude helped me up and showed me how to brace the gun against a railing. He’s pretty nice for a Pirate. He has all gold teeth, completely. I only hit one pilot for sure. He was the last one and the Pirates left him for me. He was in a life jacket so he floated even after I shot his arms both off. Then the sharks came. It was getting dark so we went inside. Estelle wanted to shoot but they wouldn’t let her. Claude shook my hand and gave me a cigarette. I only pretended to enhale. I don’t want to get hooked. Unc says it only takes one. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE WEEK Date: August 5, 2007 3:11 PM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi Mom I saw 2 helcopters this morning! One of them was Navy and one was TV. I think they are planning a Rescue. They flew around the ship a while. The pirates shot at them but they didnt shoot back because of the hostages in the deck chairs. Most of them are dead but the helcopters cant tell! The Pirates are very clever. Plus, they shot down one helicopter. It spun down just like in the movie and then the pilots swam out and then the Pirates shot them in the water, and then the sharks came. Then the Pirates shot at the sharks to! I think that was mean since sharks are undangered. They are harder to kill then people tho. I hope the helcopters come back but then Pirate Week will be over. I miss you and Dad. From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: August 5, 2007 6:43 PM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug These Pirates are not very good at sailing. The ship is going in circles. I can tell by looking at the wake, thats the bubbles out behind. Were going to slow to get dizzy tho. The sharks are in the bubbles eating the dead bodies which float. Its like a picnic for them. They would probably get dizzy if they were not fish. Its pink like a rainbow in spots. Estelle from Joeburg says HLO. One of them is her step father she thinks. Look for us on TV! More later From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: August 6, 2007 1:34 PM ADT To: mom4@yahoo.com Hi Mom Unc was on TV! The helicopters buzzed around this morning while the Pirates threw some of the men overboard. There putting on quite a show! First they tie them together back to back, so they cant swim. I wish they would make them walk the plank but there is no plank. Anyway Unc was in the first batch. Hes so fat that he floated on top and the other guy drowned first. Then the sharks hit from both sides at once and that was cool, like Sea World. I can still see his crazy shirt that you gave him. Maybe a shark is wearing it! He and Aunt Bea will sure have some crazy stories to tell when Pirate Week is over! From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: August 7, 2007 2:41 PM ADT To: bugdude@yahoo.com Yo Bug Guess what I am the only kid left. Estelle and I were watching the sharks and she is always trying to hold my hand. I pushed her away and then Claude pulled down her bathing suit to show her tittys, and the Pirates all laughed because they were so small. I felt sorry for her but then she started to cry and she knew that would make them mad. Ali asked me if she was my girl friend and I said No Way. I guess Yes was the right answer but I wasnt thinking fast. Claude started up the chainsaw and cut her hand off and threw it overboard. They made her watch the sharks eat it. Then they let her go but she died anyway. She didn’t say anything first. That was kind of sad and Im all alone now in the Game Room. Some Game Room! I hope she wont be mad at me when Pirate Week is over. She has a temper tho. You will see when you meat her! From: yohoho@africanprincess.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: August 7, 2007 5:15 PM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Yo Mom I have the Game Room all to my self. All the other kids are dead, even Estelle. They are in a pile in the corner. It doesn’t smell so good any more. This Gameboy is cool tho, I hope I get to keep it when Pirate Week is over. The batteries are mine anyway. They are from Aunt Beas travel clock. Well good night from your loving son— From: yohoho@rsamandela.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: August 8, 2007 10:19 AM ADT To: mom4@aol.com Hi mom Good news! I have been rescued. It was scary at first but only for awhile. I fell asleep at the computer last night and when I woke up all the Pirates were gone. It was awful quiet and when I ran out there were just a few dead people left on the decks. It was kind of sad after all the Plundering and Pillaging, like at the movie when the show is over and everybody stands up. The ship was leaning pretty bad and it was hard to walk, but I held on to the rail. There were still a lot of fingers and stuff. Pirates never clean up! The front of the ship was burning and the smoke smelled like hair, so I went to the back to wait. It is the stern. Sure enough, the helcopters came back, and a boat too. The sailers wore sailer suits and they told me I was a hero. Two of them wore wet suits. My picture will be in the paper I bet. Im writing this from the computer room in the Navy ship. There going to bring me home on a Navy helcopter! From: yohoho@rsamandela.com Subject: PIRATE LORE Date: August 8, 2007 6:09 PM ADT To: cooldude@yahoo.com Yo Bug Im writing this from the computer room in the Navy ship. Its like the Game Room only better. You wouldnt believe the stuff they have! The Navy guys are nice but I like the Pirates better. The greaf countsler took my necklace away but it was turning black anyway. She let me keep my Pirate hat. I didnt show her Curtises nose in my pocket. She has been trying to make me cry. No luck so far! From: yohoho@rsamandela.com Subject: PIRATE WEEK Date: August 9, 2007 10:31 AM ADT To: mom4@aol.com I will see you at the Capetown airport tomorrow. Tell dad to come to. My greaf countsler says I am a survivor. Thats like a hero. Well all be on TV so tell dad to come to. Ill wear my Pirate hat and the Johnny Depp mask that Claude gave me. Tell Unc and Aunt Bea thanks if you see them before I do. Im sorry they didnt have fun. I could tell they didnt. Wait till you see my Gameboy. Your loving son— “Captain Jack Sparrow” (Yo ho ho)