“I’ll have a gin and tonic. And don’t be stingy with the olives.”
The bartender at the Georgia Peach smiled cheerfully as he set about his task, but Renee Stevenson couldn’t muster more than a halfhearted nod in return. Normally she wouldn’t stop at a bar on a Thursday evening, but today was special. It wasn’t every Thursday that Renee was passed over for a promotion she’d busted her butt to get. Especially not to that weasel Bob Nelson. The suck-up.
Damn, she’d promised herself she was going to be calm about this. She’d been working at Travis and White advertising for five years, giving them some of their biggest successes, but when it came right down to it, Travis and White had sold her out. Given the plum job to one of the boys.
Well, there was nothing to do but get her résumé together. Start over. Hell, maybe she should get out of Atlanta altogether. New York. That’s where the big jobs were, the real agencies. It would be exciting. Challenging. Right?
“Here you go,” the bartender said, setting down her drink. Next to it, he placed another glass, this one filled with olives. “Enough?”
“Enough,” she said. “Thanks.”
He left. She drank. Never a big fan of alcohol, she shuddered as she swallowed, then popped a fat olive in her mouth, but it was poor solace. She’d really wanted that promotion. Badly. She’d made plans, chosen her new office chair, picked out a new car.
She drank again and with the grimace, her gaze moved to the wide-screen TV perched on the back wall. White numbered balls twirled in a tumbler, the familiar logo of Georgia’s lottery swirling across the screen.
Renee reached into her purse for the lotto ticket she’d bought yesterday, and rolled her eyes at her own momentary blip of hope. Hadn’t she learned her lesson? Wishing for the impossible was just that—impossible. She slipped another olive into her mouth and signaled for the bartender.
At the back of the bar, in the farthest corner he’d been able to find, Jim Lydel kept typing on his laptop, answering yet another e-mail from a long list of e-mails that had dogged him from New York to Philadelphia, Los Angeles and now Atlanta. His company had finally released the latest edition of PSL GameSpill, software that made game playing a lot more real and a lot more expensive. Despite the fact that they’d simplified a lot of processes, everyone had questions. In the cities where he’d made personal appearances, Jim had been taken to dinners, taken for drinks, kept up till all hours by CEOs with huge expense accounts. His days had been filled with demos and lectures. He hadn’t had much time to take care of the regular business of running PSL, so tonight, his first on his own in weeks, he’d found a friendly looking bar that served hot appetizers and cold beer and gone to work.
He didn’t mind the bustle. It reminded him of his office, where staff barged in at the drop of a hat and there was always music blaring somewhere.
Of all the aspects of his job, going on the road was his least favorite. Not that he wasn’t pleased PSL was doing so well. But at heart he was still a programmer, a gamer, so the business of running the business fit uncomfortably, like a borrowed coat. Soon, though, in four days he’d return to New York, to the madness of the day-to-day job. He’d sleep in his own bed, wake up to his morning run with Jessie, his two-year-old Weimaraner, then head to the office, his real home.
He reread the sentence he’d just typed and quickly deleted the whole thing. He’d been working for an hour and his concentration had waned, making him sloppy. Maybe he should just quit for the night. The weekend was coming up, and thank God, he had no obligations lined up, so he could finish up then. Although he had planned on doing a little sightseeing, even that plan had lost its luster. Being alone in a strange city used to be fun, exciting. Maybe if he’d had someone to sightsee with…
A yelp from the bar caught his attention. A woman, short and slim, stood among the mostly male patrons, clutching a piece of paper, staring at the wide-screen TV in the corner. She was watching the lottery numbers role out of a tumbler, and he could see the excitement in her body language.
He smiled, mentally crossing his fingers for her. As he watched, however, something about her tickled the back of his mind. She turned, just for a second, in his direction and that glimpse was all he needed. Memories exploded rapid-fire as he said her name aloud.
Without conscious choice, he rose to his feet, his laptop forgotten on the table along with his beer. “Renee,” he said again, softer this time, as he slipped back to a time before PSL, before success, before the real world had pulled him into the fast lane.
He made his way past the tables and customers, remembering the day he’d met her, his first week at Stanford. She’d been in front of him in the cafeteria line, and he remembered his first impression of her as if it had happened five minutes ago. Her dark hair, a mass of curls pulled back in an unsuccessful ponytail. Her intensity as she made the difficult choice between the cottage cheese or the bratwurst. She’d been chubbier back then, and her clothes had been shapeless and baggy, but her face had captured him so thoroughly he’d had no choice but to follow her to a table and snag the seat beside her.
She was slimmer now, and her hair was tamed, but it was still Renee. And once again, after all those years, she compelled him in a way no woman before or after had.
Renee’s heart had gone into overdrive at the fifth number. God, what if… She stood by the bar stool, her gaze shifting from the TV screen to the lottery ticket in her hand, even though she always played the same numbers and knew them by heart. She tried to tell herself it was only five, that she still needed to match the sixth number and that wasn’t going to happen. Couldn’t happen. Not to her. Not today.
She double-checked, no, triple-checked the numbers in her hand. Yep, five for five. And now, here it was. The final number, the one number that would make her rich beyond her wildest dreams. The one that would let her tell Travis and White just where they could stuff their promotion—come on number four!
Seventeen.
The world deflated along with her hopes. One more time she’d missed the brass ring by an inch. She’d been a fool to even hope. Once again she was a day late, a number short. It was just her luck.
“Renee?”
The man’s voice behind her made her shiver, gave her goose bumps, but she didn’t know why until she turned around.
“Jim,” she whispered. She smiled, because she couldn’t help it, but inside she steeled herself for yet another disappointment. She’d loved this man once upon a time.
Oh, who was she kidding? She’d never stopped.
Renee had just lost the Georgia State Lottery. This, on top of losing the promotion that would have set her career on fire, and yet all she cared about right this second was that Jim Lydel, the only guy she’d ever loved, was standing not a foot away.
“Wow,” he said, smiling as if finding her was a real treat. “I can’t believe it’s you.”
She reached across the small distance and brushed the side of his arm just to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. “It’s me,” she said. “Same old Renee.”
Jim shook his head. “No. Definitely not. You look incredible.”
What should have been a compliment hit her low in the solar plexus. Because of what he didn’t say. That she wasn’t still the fat, ugly chick from college. The buddy who was just one of the guys. No use blaming him for stating the obvious. “Nope, I’m eight years older, my hair gets straightened professionally now and I’m stunned to find you here.” She looked around the Georgia Peach, one of probably a hundred bars in the state named just that. It wasn’t a tourist trap or even a saucy, hip hideaway. The only reason she knew about it was because it was a half mile from her apartment.
“I’m pretty stunned to be here,” he said, stepping a little closer. “I was heading for Peachtree Plaza, but I got lost.”
“I’ll say. You’re looking good.” She studied him unabashedly and was surprised to note that his slacks were really well tailored, his hair was nothing like the floppy mop he used to sport at Stanford. He’d been cute in college, but he’d turned into something close to stunning. Was it possible that Jim Lydel, the geek who’d embraced his inner pocket protector, who’d known every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 by heart, had buffed up? That he’d come out from behind his computer to actually live in the real world? “Really good,” she said.
“Through no fault of my own.” Before he could explain, he took one more step, put his hand firmly on her arm and said, “This place is crazy and noisy, and I want to catch up. Have you had dinner yet?”
Renee knew he’d said something, asked something, but her brain was too busy trying to process both the feel of his hand, which had sent every single nerve ending into overdrive, and that “no fault of my own” business, which had to mean he was married, and his wife had molded him into a man who wore Italian leather shoes. Her gaze shot to his left hand, and while a tiny part of her noted that his nails were manicured, the main event was the lack of a wedding ring. Was it possible…?
“Renee?”
She looked up at him, into his big dark eyes. Those hadn’t changed at all. They were still rimmed by thick lashes, still reminded her of the color of café au lait.
The memory of their first meeting came to her fully formed, complete with sights and sounds and the smell of hot dogs and mustard that haunted the old cafeteria. She’d been new to Stanford, scared and about as alone as a freshman could be. He’d come to her table and sat down right next to her. She’d reached for her tray, but then he’d asked if he could join her, so it hadn’t been a mistake, she hadn’t trespassed.
She’d nodded, then blushed, then looked at her cottage cheese, wondering what he wanted from her. It must have been a trick or a hazing ritual or something equally heinous that would be revealed all too soon. Because the guy smiling at her was a major babe. Not like a jock or a movie star or anything like that, but it was all there—the eyes, the lips, the height, the way he moved and smiled.
Right then, while stealing yet another glance, she’d fallen into a crush that was to take her through her freshman year. The crush had ended when she was a sophomore, replaced by something much deeper, much more painful. By then she’d gotten to know him. Really well. And fallen hopelessly in love.
“Is everything okay? Renee?”
She blinked, smiled. “Everything’s fine. I was just trying to figure out if I could weasel my way out of tonight’s meeting at the office, but I can’t see how. I’m so bummed. I would have loved to catch up.”
“I understand,” Jim said, surprised at the depth of his disappointment. “I’m going to be here for a few more days. How about tomorrow?”
A flash of wariness crossed her face, quickly replaced by a smile he knew well. The hair might be different, but there was so much that was uniquely Renee that he felt as if only days had passed since he’d seen her, not years.
“Call me. I’ll do my best.”
He nodded, waiting as she gathered her purse. She stuffed the paper she’d been holding into her wallet, then pulled out a card.
She blushed just a little when she handed it to him.
“Advertising. That makes sense.”
“It was supposed to be something else, remember?” She leaned back against the bar, making her dark green blouse stretch across her breasts. “I should be handing you a copy of my great American novel.” She lowered her head as she chuckled. “I was gonna slay the literary world, and you…” she didn’t lift her head, just her eyes “…you were going to be the king of all computer games.”
Now it was his turn to blush, which was something he hadn’t done in forever. He wasn’t the king, of course, but if forced, he’d cop to being a prince.
“Hey,” she said, leaning toward him, eyes wide. “You’re all pink and shiny like a little girl.”
That took him straight back to the dorm. To late nights with horrible wine and music that never stopped. To Renee, cross-legged on the floor, a bandana in her hair, baggy jeans curled up at the cuffs. They’d laughed until they couldn’t breathe. Talked until they’d solved the problems of the world, only to start the next night from scratch.
“You are the damn king of computer games, aren’t you?”
He opened his mouth, but he wasn’t quick enough to form a decent lie, which was weird. Not that he couldn’t come up with a lie, but that he wanted to. Shouldn’t he be proud? Shouldn’t he be jonesing to tell his old buddy Renee that he’d hit the big time?
“Well, crap,” she said. “Now we have to have dinner tomorrow night.”
He laughed. “Pardon me for making your life so miserable.”
She slugged him in the arm. “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I do. So we’re on?”
She nodded. “Call me. I’ll take you somewhere magnificent.”
“I’d settle for burgers as long as I’m with you.”
He didn’t hear her gasp so much as he witnessed it, and that was as confusing as all the rest. Tomorrow night couldn’t come fast enough for him.
“Look, I’ve gotta—“
“Sure,” he said, wondering how to end this first meeting. A hug? A kiss? A wave?
She solved the problem for him as she slammed up against him, nearly toppling him into the table behind. She squeezed hard, and he felt her breath on his shirt, the heat of her skin, the softness of her breasts. Then she pulled back in every sense of the word. She grabbed her purse and paid the bartender, inching farther and farther away.
He didn’t understand it, but he respected her need for space. Taking two steps back, he lifted his splayed hand. “Okay, then. Tomorrow. I’ll call. It’ll be like old times.”
She looked at him sharply, catching him off guard yet again. This time he saw pain in her eyes. Real pain. But why? What the hell was going on here?
Tomorrow. He’d find out tomorrow. For tonight, he turned, headed back toward his computer and his e-mail. But there was still one thing he had to know.
“Renee?”
She had made it to the end of the bar. She slowly turned to face him, and her smile seemed weird. “Yeah?”
“You married?”
She did that blinking thing again. “No.”
“Good,” he said. Now he could work. He could fill the next twenty-four hours with a million things. At least he didn’t have to wonder about that.
Renee watched Jim walk to the far end of the bar. She lost him in the crowd, but his last question still reverberated. Jim, her first, biggest and only love, whom she hadn’t seen in eight years, who had never once thought of her as anything but a friend, had wanted to know if she was married.
That wasn’t half as bizarre as his reaction when she’d told him she wasn’t. He’d said good and then he’d smiled. Smiled as if that was the best news he’d heard all day.
What the hell? She hadn’t changed that much. She’d lost weight, but not enough to make a difference, and she wasn’t allergic to the idea of being a girl anymore. Hair, makeup, hell, whatever worked was all right by her. But just as she still saw Jim as Jim from the second-floor dorm, he had to still see her as chubby, weird Renee. The one who’d helped him not look like a dork when he asked Lena Charles out. Who’d smiled when Lena had insinuated herself into their circle. Who’d died each time she watched Jim touch Lena, not to mention kiss her.
A bump from the back propelled Renee to move. She left the bar and drove right to the little market by her apartment building. All she needed was a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and she was back in the car, heading home.
She’d lied about having a meeting tonight. Not that she made a habit of that, but she needed time to adjust, to wrap her head around his being here. So she’d thrown out the first thing to cross her mind when, in fact, there was just her bed, her cat, a spoon and a lot of thinking on her personal docket. She had a decision to make.
Should she really have dinner with him tomorrow night? Just seeing him brought back so many conflicting emotions.
He’d been her best friend for three years until he’d graduated a year ahead of her. He’d been there for her when she went out on her few disastrous dates, but he’d never once asked her out. Or kissed her. Or given her any indication he thought of her as anything more than a friend. She’d probably been a fool to continue the friendship, but she hadn’t been able to bear the thought of not seeing him.
She got home, fed Cooper, who loved her unconditionally as long as she provided food, and got into her most comfy pajamas. Then, with the TV off and the lights dimmed, she ate spoonful after spoonful of Cherry Garcia until there was none left. By the time she threw out the carton, she’d decided to meet him. Even after twelve years, she was still incapable of turning him away. And yes, she understood fully that he would break her heart. Again.
Jim got to the restaurant ten minutes early. He’d spent the day wandering around Atlanta, but the sights held little interest for him. All he could think about was dinner with Renee.
She’d made college one of the best experiences of his life. She’d been his biggest cheerleader, encouraging him to trust that computer game design was something that would pay off, not the waste of time his father never failed to caution him about. Renee had helped him believe in himself, that he could accomplish anything. It was that belief that had been the genesis of PSL and had led directly to his success.
He wished he understood what was going on with her. Why she’d been so…odd. Was it guy trouble? Work? The more he thought about it, it made sense she’d gone into advertising. Her quick mind and unique point of view would give her a big edge over the competition. But maybe she was disappointed with herself for not writing that novel.
She’d chosen the place—an Italian joint in a strip mall that had been easy to find, but, as she’d warned, nothing much to look at from the outside. Inside wasn’t much better. Just a bunch of wooden tables with checkered tablecloths and the always popular Chianti-bottle candleholders.
She was already there, looking fresh and pretty in a white shirt and blue jeans. Her smile did something to his insides as he made his way to the table.
“Got some sun, did you?” she asked, as he sat across from her.
He nodded. “Forgot the sunscreen. Now I’m going to have a big red nose when I give my presentation on Monday.”
“I’ll need to hear all about that,” she said, “but first, let’s get some vino, okay?”
He nodded, still disconcerted to actually be here with her. It hit him all over again. Renee. Sitting right across from him.
They ordered and chatted about his sightseeing until the waiter brought the wine and the antipasto. Finally they were alone, and he stretched his legs under the table, comfortable to hear all about his friend’s life.
“So, the presentation?”
He shook his head. “I’m boring as hell. You first.”
She shook her head, and it was hard to believe this was the same Renee. Her curls had been legendary, at least in the dorm, and she’d been defiant in her dedication to her own outrageousness. Now her hair looked soft and silky, moving gently against her shoulders. “You can’t possibly be as boring as me,” she said. “Although I probably should get extra points for how much my job sucks.”
“Naw, come on.”
“No, really. I was at the bar yesterday because I’d just lost a big promotion. I completely deserved it, too. It’s all politics and bull, but still, it matters. Now I have to regroup and go a different way, and the idea of interviewing gives me hives. So, yeah. I win at the sucking part.”
He leaned forward and took her hand in his. “I know, without even knowing what your company does, that whoever runs it is a moron. So screw them. Go somewhere you can be appreciated.”
Renee laughed. “Damn, I’ve missed that.”
“It’s just the truth. You’re smart and funny. You see the world in a way that’s totally yours. What ad firm wouldn’t count you as their biggest asset?”
Renee slipped her hand from under his and gripped her wineglass. His words thrilled her, and yet… He didn’t know her. He was looking at her through nostalgia-vision which was fine, but not accurate. She wasn’t all that, and being passed over for the promotion proved her case.
“You can’t have changed that much,” Jim said. “People don’t. I mean, you can change goals and dreams, but who we are in college is pretty much who we’re going to be for the rest of our lives. All the important stuff like values and morals and work ethic, that was all there then, and I don’t see, unless something really huge happened, that it would—“
His eyebrows came down and his lips thinned for a moment. “Did something huge happen? Did I just stick both feet in?”
You happened, she thought. You spoiled me for all other men. I compared each one to you, did you know that? “No. Nothing happened. No big losses, no big wins. Just the daily grind and too many disappointments. Which is why I want to know about your presentation.”
He looked at her for a long time. Long enough for them to get their food and to take a few bites. Then he told her about his life, and as she listened, all the reasons she’d fallen for him came trotting back. For her, Jim was the one. Always had been. Always would be. Just her damn luck.
She’d parked a block away, and Jim being Jim, he insisted on escorting her to the car. She tried to tell him she was perfectly safe, but he wasn’t having any of it. She didn’t know how to take his persistence, whether she should read anything into. Maybe all he really wanted to do was be a gentleman and walk her to her car.
“I’m really sorry about the job,” he said. “But maybe this is going to be your big chance. Have you thought about leaving Atlanta? Trying your luck in L.A. or even better, New York?”
Now that she knew he lived in New York, that had been scratched off her list. But after the “even better” remark, she didn’t know again. “Maybe L.A. They’ve got some good firms there.”
“See? That’s what I’m talking about. They’d be lucky to have you.”
“You’re right,” she said, actually believing it. They’d talked for hours, and some time during her second glass of wine, she’d stopped thinking about the past and focused on the present. No matter what, she liked Jim. He was here only for a moment, and what a fool she’d be to let her romantic nonsense get in the way. “That’s mine,” she said, pointing to her two-year-old BMW.
He gave it no more than a cursory look, but she couldn’t say the same when he turned to her. “I’m not leaving for a few days,” he said. “I want to see you tomorrow, so can you cancel anything you have?”
She had to smile. He may look all suave in his expensive shoes and his buffed chest, but he was still Jim. Telling it exactly the way he saw it, no matter what. “Okay,” she said, seeing no need to tell him there was nothing to cancel. “Call me, but not too early because I intend to sleep in.”
“We could sleep in together.”
“We will. You at your hotel and me in my apartment,” she said, and tried not get all gushy at his deep and throaty laugh. She unlocked her car, and when she turned back, he was already stepping away. “You remember how to get back to your hotel?”
He nodded.
“Okay, then. Great. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I had fun tonight.”
“Me, too. Sleep well.”
She wouldn’t but she smiled anyway. “You, too,” she said as she opened the car door.
She felt him behind her even before his hand touched her shoulder. A second later he’d turned her around. When she looked up into his dark eyes she saw something she’d never dared hope to see. Passion. Fire. Then she felt his lips touch hers, and she lost the ability to think.
Jim wrapped his arms around Renee’s body as he kissed her, holding her tight as they stood in the street. At first she felt stiff, awkward, and he almost pulled back, but then her lips parted, the muscles in her back relaxed and…
There. This was how it was supposed to be. Renee, pliant and willing, tasting of wine and memories. He wanted her to understand, to know how much she’d meant to him. It was her faith that had changed everything, that had given him courage and strength. It had been her laughter that had helped him see that not everything was life or death, and that a mistake wasn’t the end of the world.
She’d worked her magic on him all that time ago with lessons he’d never forgotten, but he’d always wished things could have been different. He had no illusions that one kiss would change her world. Just that it might change his.
Abandoning thought, he focused instead on the way she felt pressed against him. How eagerly she thrust her tongue into his mouth, and how her fingers gripped the back of his neck.
He should have found her before this. He should have kissed her on one of those long nights. What in the hell had he been thinking?
Renee pulled back just enough to take in a steadying breath, then met his lips once more with her own. She could scarcely believe they were kissing. She’d dreamed of this moment for so long, she wasn’t sure it was real. If it were a dream, she never wanted to wake up.
He ran his hand over her back, and like the good student she was, she followed his lead. His body wasn’t thin and lanky anymore but firm and muscled. She wanted to touch his skin, to feel all of him, but she would take what she could get.
He moaned, then moved his mouth to her neck, nipping, licking, then to her jaw and with a sweep of hot tongue, back to her lips.
She opened herself to him, willing herself just to be here this second, to not let her foolish thoughts jump ahead to the end. Every time she slipped up, when she pictured him leaving, he would pull her back to the present with his hands and his heat.
She wasn’t sure how long they kissed. Only that he let her know he wanted more when his hand went to the small of her back to hold her steady as he rubbed against her.
He was hard. Hard for her. He wanted more than a kiss. Hot tears filled her eyes as she let the thought sink in. This was the man of her fantasies, the man she’d loved since she’d understood what love was.
But would it hurt more to have him in her bed, in her, and watch him leave? Or would the memory of one night be enough?
“Stay with me tonight,” he whispered as his hand moved to the front of her blouse where he found and cupped her breast.
The touch made her arch with want and need, and it was impossible to say anything but yes.
He stepped away as if it hurt to part. “My car is right by the restaurant.”
“I’ll wait here.”
He grinned in that I’ve-fixed-a-huge-computer-program-bug way, then he kissed her hard and quick. He left with a bounce in his step that made Renee feel wonderful and strange.
She watched him until he disappeared around the block, her heart kind of fluttery and her pulse kind of fast. Her head, now that wasn’t “kind of” anything. She was in an alternate reality, one that was filled with more magic than her world allowed.
It would have been a little more understandable if she’d had one of those TV makeovers. Except for her straighter hair and a more grown-up wardrobe, though, she was just the same Renee as always. Still a little chubby, average looking. One of the millions of women who have to earn their way through life with brains, persistence and tenacity because counting on her looks wasn’t in the cards.
Jim on the other hand had changed. He was so self-assured. She could see him leading a big presentation, selling everyone in the room on him if not the product. He exuded success, which made her wonder again what the hell?
She got into her car and checked herself in the rearview mirror. Nope, she was still her, shiny nose and all. And in a few minutes she was going to be in her bedroom with Jim Lydel. Getting naked.
The enormity of her mistake hit her just as Jim pulled up behind her. She needed to call the whole thing off. Now.
Naked? With Jim? Who was now disgustingly in shape? Who didn’t even wear glasses anymore so she couldn’t count on his faulty vision? No. No, no, no.
A tap on the window made her jump so hard she almost hit the roof of the car.
Ten lies came to her in two seconds, all of them lame enough to make her blush. She needed time to think, but he kept signaling her to lower the window.
“Hi,” she said, trying to sound as if nothing was wrong.
“What’s going on? Is something wrong with the car?”
She hadn’t thought of car trouble, but then how far would that get her? He probably worked on cars as a hobby. “No. Car’s fine.”
“Are you?”
There’d been a time she could have told him the truth. Okay, that was total bull. She’d never told him how much she wanted him, how she loved him. She’d lied and lied and lied, and it was twelve years and a whole lot of heartache later and she still wanted to lie her ass off.
“Renee?”
“I’m having second thoughts,” she said. At least that part was true.
His disappointment was so raw it stole her breath.
“Well, sure,” he said. “Perfectly understandable. I mean, yeah. It was presumptuous of me…“
“Jim.”
“…to even ask.” He stepped back from the car. “You’ve got this whole life here and—“
“Jim.”
He stopped.
“It has nothing to do with any of that. I’m embarrassed, that’s all. The whole naked thing. I mean, with you. Especially now that you’re so…” She looked away, her face flaming.
“You’re worried about that?”
She nodded. “Stupid, yet true.”
He came back to her window and crouched down until they were eye level. When he looked at her, his gaze held nothing but honesty and concern. “You’re not stupid. And if you don’t want to do this, I completely understand. I just can’t walk away until I tell you that this is something I’ve wanted to do since the first week I met you.”
Renee’s breath caught in her throat and her eyes blurred as she tried to comprehend what he’d just said. But it was too much, too big, and it couldn’t possibly be true. Because if it was… Oh, God.
Jim watched her face carefully after his confession. What he’d said was completely true—he’d wanted to be with Renee since he’d first met her in college. It had never worked out, but now, after all these years apart, he realized those feelings he had in college had been more profound than he could have guessed. He wanted her.
What he didn’t understand were her tears. She could have laughed at him and he would have accepted it. She could have looked horrified or uncomfortable. All perfectly reasonable responses. But tears? Not just damp eyes, but full-blown crying. His first impulse was to back away, to not do any more damage, but he needed to get through this. To know what she was thinking.
Renee wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, leaving black marks around her eyes. He forced himself not to grin. This wasn’t the time for teasing.
“Ignore me,” she said with a sniff.
“Impossible.”
She looked away, but he could see her shoulders shake as she cried harder.
“Renee? Have I done something really stupid here?”
She shook her head, but she didn’t turn to face him.
“Do you want me to leave? I will even though I don’t want to.”
“No,” she said, her voice cracking in the middle of the single syllable. “Just to your car. You can follow me, if you still want to.”
He stood. “I’m right behind you.”
Renee watched in the rearview mirror as he jogged back to his rental. She wished she could stop the crying already, but what he’d said had turned her world upside down.
He’d wanted to kiss her, sleep with her, since the first week of college? That couldn’t be right. It couldn’t. She’d have known. He’d have done something that would have given her a clue.
She put the car in gear and headed toward her apartment, glancing in the rearview mirror to reassure herself every few seconds that Jim was following.
It was simply impossible to wrap her mind around his statement. She’d loved Jim Lydel with all her heart and soul, and it had been completely one-sided. She’d ached for him to touch her and not like a pal. She’d died inside each time he went out with a new girl, especially Lena.
How many hours she’d spent listening to Sarah McLachlan in her ennui or Alanis Morissette in her fury. Till this day, hearing either one pulled Renee back to those days at Stanford in the most visceral way, although now she’d have a new picture of Jim in her head.
She couldn’t have been that mistaken. No, it was definitely his problem, not hers.
She swung into the parking lot of her building, making sure she left Jim a space nearby. By the time they were heading toward the stairs, she felt much more under control. Of course it would hurt for him to remember how it really had been, but she owed it to her friend to set the record straight. He hadn’t ever wanted her except as a friend. Period.
Her determination, however, didn’t stop the feelings that swamped her as they walked side by side. She kept skittering over to the dream, to pretending what he’d said was true. Insanity, pure and simple. Especially when he brushed the back of her hand with his own.
Did he want to hold hands? Like lovers do?
Thankfully, before she could find out one way or the other, they got to her place. She opened the door, and went straight to hostess mode, which was the safest place she could find.
Jim didn’t want a drink. Or a snack. Or even to sit in the living room. He stood by the fireplace, hands in his pockets, and watched her as if she might do something crazy. Like touch him. Or kiss him.
“Renee, honey. Talk to me.”
She wanted to shout “Don’t speak to me like that,” but she held her tongue.
“I guess I freaked you out,” he said, taking a tentative step toward her.
She’d put her purse on the dining room table so she had nothing at all to hide behind. Maybe she should go get herself a glass of wine. Yes, that would—
“Maybe it was selfish, but I needed you to know how I felt. I’ve thought about you a million times since we said goodbye. I knew you were in Atlanta, but I didn’t have the balls to look you up, probably because I figured nothing had changed. That you could only see me as a friend. Nothing more.”
“Me?” She hadn’t meant for her voice to sound so sharp, but now that she’d spoken, she couldn’t stop herself. “I’m not the one who wanted to be friends. It killed me that you never asked me out. I’ve been in love with you for years.” She stopped, horrified at what she’d admitted.
But her mortification changed as his expression shifted from confusion to utter bewilderment. “You’ve been in love…” Nothing held him back this time. He came up to her and took hold of her shoulders. Stared straight into her eyes. “Every time I tried to ask you out, you cracked a joke. When I touched you, you backed away. I tried everything I could think of, and every time you shot me down.”
“No,” she whispered. “That’s not true.”
He squeezed her shoulders. “Think back.”
She did. And her heart nearly stopped beating as the memories hit her. It was a good thing he held her because her knees weakened and she surely would have fallen. He had tried. Only, she’d been so certain he couldn’t want her that she’d made it happen.
Even that very first meeting, when he’d sat next to her in the cafeteria, he’d flirted. She’d seen none of it. Her guard had been up for so long, protecting her from any hint of cruelty, she’d been blind.
“Oh, my God,” she said. “I never…”
“Christ, Renee,” he said, as he pulled her to him. “What a horrible waste.”
Tears welled once again, but this time she didn’t try to hold them back. She could see now, with painful clarity, that she’d been her own worst enemy. Lots of reasons came to her, but none of them mattered. She’d lost so very much.
He pulled back just enough to look into her eyes once more. “I think we’ve wasted enough opportunities, don’t you?”
She sniffed again as she nodded. Jim swept a tear from her cheek, then lowered his lips to hers. Her first thought, despite the physical thrill that chased through her body, was that she didn’t deserve him. Her second was that a bigger fool had never been born.
They had wasted too many opportunities. She had spent too many years in her self-imposed prison. Tonight was a new beginning. She had the man she’d loved forever in her arms. The hard part was over—he’d told her how he felt. All she had to do was believe.
She parted her lips and welcomed him into her body. It was a small step, but only one of many. She ran her hands down his back, awash in this heady knowledge that he wanted her touch. Wanted her. Just the way she was.
Inch by inch, she relaxed into the sparkling new universe. When she rubbed against him and felt the press of his erection on her hip, she took his hand in hers and led him straight to her bed.
He didn’t want to embarrass her or make her uncomfortable, but damn, he was anxious for the undressing part. How often had he pictured Renee naked? From the first postadolescent fantasies that were an amalgam of pictures he’d seen in Playboy to the refinements he’d added as he’d seen actual naked women, Renee had been in his head now for twelve years.
After college, after his disastrous relationship with Lena, he’d hooked up with several women, all of whom were great. Their only real problem was that they weren’t her, despite the fact that they all reminded him of Renee in some way. Catherine had that familiar sense of humor. Jody had encouraged him with Renee’s ferocity. Annette, well, all she’d had was a wild head of curls. They were all substitutes and stand-ins.
Now that he had the real deal, he felt oddly nervous. As if he were back at Stanford, a recent virgin who barely knew what went where.
She stopped in front of her large bed and he was startled to see this room was nothing like her dorm. Of course it wasn’t—the dorm was years ago. And yet, when he’d pictured the two of them in front of a bed, it was that awful twin with the batik bedspread. The walls had been covered by posters, a mixture of rock stars and political movements. To see her in this pale green room with matching wooden furniture and actual art on the walls was as disconcerting as her straight hair.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, and he could hear her anxiety in the two words.
“Nothing. I just always pictured us in the dorm.”
She laughed in surprise, if that hand covering her mouth was any indication. “I always pictured us at the beach.”
“We never went to the beach.”
“What can I tell you? I guess I saw From Here to Eternity one too many times.”
“What?”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”
He put his hand behind her neck and pulled her carefully forward. “You matter.”
“So you pictured us. This. Us.”
“All the damn time.”
“I promise this isn’t denial speaking, but why didn’t you tell me I was being a horse’s ass?”
He grinned, then kissed her forehead. “I was too busy being young and inexperienced. It never occurred to me that I was your secret.”
“Boy,” she said, laying her hand right over his heart. “Were you ever. I can’t tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep.”
“I’m sorry. I wish it had been easier. For both of us.”
She leaned back so she could look into his eyes. “Can I ask you one more thing?”
“Anything.”
She sighed, and her eyes grew troubled. “I’m not fishing,” she said. “I swear. But why? What did you see?”
He started to answer, but cut himself off. “Let me show you,” he said, just before he kissed her.
As his tongue plunged inside the heat of her mouth, his hands went straight to the buttons of her blouse. He had to slow his impulse to rip the silly things off, and his patience paid off quickly when the back of his hand brushed the smooth skin just above her breasts.
She inhaled sharply, and he felt that, too. They breathed each other’s air, trembled with the same anticipation. If she only knew that his hard-on felt exactly as it had when he was in political science class, sitting in the back row so he could hide his condition, barely listening to the lecture as his concentration was solely on Renee. When he felt her hand on his zipper, he was the one to gasp. He pulled back, needing his heart to slow down, his cock to settle.
“Wait,” he said.
She pulled back in alarm.
“Hey, I just meant that if we don’t slow down, I may embarrass myself.”
“Wha—oh.”
“Yeah.”
She giggled, and he knew that was a sound he’d never get over. She used to giggle a lot in the old days. Mostly at him, at his insistence that everything in life was deadly serious and that one misstep would be in his permanent record forever. She’d busted him enough times that he’d had to give it up. And that, as they say, had made all the difference.
“What is that grin for?”
He didn’t answer because the explanation would be so lame, but he did finish unbuttoning her blouse. Even with the bra, plain, white, clearly not one of Victoria’s secrets, he felt flushed, anxious and privileged. Her skin was beautiful, her body lush and enticing. God, how he loved the look of her. He couldn’t wait to touch everything.
Renee had to keep reminding herself that Jim was looking at her. That those eyes, that expression was a reaction to this body. The one she barely tolerated. The body that had taken all the blame. Not just for Jim, but for every disappointment, every failure. How crazy she’d let her life become, with a convenient fall guy built right in.
“You’re amazing,” he said. “But I want more.”
Braver than she’d ever been, she let her blouse slide to the floor. Then she unzipped her pants and they fell as well. She wished she’d worn prettier underwear, but then again, wasn’t that the old thinking? Look at him, she thought. He thinks I’m beautiful. Right here. Right now.
There was never going to be a better moment. She reached behind and unhooked her bra. As soon as she let it drop, she lost the panties. And then she stood up straight. Naked and new. She looked into his shining eyes and she forgave herself. For cheating herself out of years of happiness. For blaming her body for so much. For the walls she’d built that had never protected her from a damn thing.
He studied her as if she were a work of art, and damn if she didn’t start feeling like one.
She stood still, letting him look, letting him see. And when he took off his clothes, she returned the favor, gulping in his stunning physique, the chest, the tummy, the generous and flattering erection.
When he came to her, pulling him against his hard, hard body, she sighed as it hit her yet again that this wasn’t a dream or a fantasy. It was her Jim. Quite literally in the flesh.
“My God, you feel so good,” he whispered. His warm breath brushed against her temple.
She touched him. Her fingers traced the contour of his back. She felt his muscles, his very sinew as he moved. His hand brushed from her back to her waist, making her tremble. Or was it this astonishing sense of freedom that was the cause?
She rested her cheek against his shoulder and breathed in his scent. Clean, soapy, wonderful.
He petted her hair with his left hand as he continued his exploration with the right. But he was finished with the outside – now he was going for the juicy parts.
His hand was at the edge of her very neatly trimmed bush, making her so glad that she’d done the upkeep. And then she dismissed all thoughts of trimming because his fingers had slipped inside.
They gasped at the same time, her because it was Jim inside her, and him, well, she hoped it was because it felt smooth and warm and welcoming.
Her eyes fluttered closed as he touched and rubbed. She let herself touch him in her search for his cock. It all felt fantastic, but the smooth, hard/soft heat of him as she gripped his length, that was beyond the moon.
“I can’t take this much more,” he said.
She squeezed him just a bit. “This?”
“All of it. I need you on the bed. Now.”
She kissed the curve of his neck, brushed the head of his cock with her palm, then pulled away. It was awful, that space between them, so she hurriedly pulled back the comforter and climbed between the sheets.
He was on her heels, and in a whirlwind of activity, her head landed on the pillow, his fingers were back inside her and his tongue, well his tongue had found the most perfect of places to play.
Jim stiffened his tongue as he swirled it around Renee’s nipple, moaning as it budded in his mouth. He felt as if he were drowning in pleasure. The smell of her, so sweet and powdery, the taste of her skin, the incredible softness gripping his fingers. It was a banquet, an orgy of sensations. All made more delectable by her accompanying squirms and whimpers.
He’d imagined this moment a thousand times back in college, but he’d paid her short shrift. He never could have imagined all of this all at once.
If women only understood the power of their softness… He pumped his fingers again into the tight heat between her legs. There was no sensation like it. None. Not the purest silk, not the warmest cream, nothing felt exactly like that, especially when it wasn’t just fingers.
That thought alone made his penis jerk, and he knew that as incredible as the appetizer felt, it was nothing compared to the main course. But he was a man who’d learned the art of delayed gratification. Not by choice, but the lessons had stayed with him.
He moved his mouth to her other breast and shifted his thumb to her clit. He circled both perfect nubs and sighed as she gasped.
He’d known she would be responsive like this. That she would abandon herself to the pleasure.
She’d hate it if he told her, but he used to get totally turned on watching her eat. She took such pleasure in her food. Her eyes would sparkle, she’d lean back, making her breasts jut out, and God, the sounds. She used to joke that a perfect crème brûlée would give her a tiny little orgasm. He didn’t think it was so funny. She’d given him a preview of what things could be like between them. Then, when he touched her, she slipped away. Always beyond his reach.
It didn’t seem possible that she hadn’t gotten his signals. But then he’d been young and clumsy, so maybe it was all his fault. There was no way to go back to fix things, so he’d have to make up for it now. He wanted her orgasm to blow the roof off the building. He wanted her to want him again and again.
He stopped at that thought. He hadn’t planned on seeing Renee ever again. He’d convinced himself that it was a college crush—an unrequited one at that. So this was a treat, a surprise, a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Or not.
Her head came up from the pillow. “What’s wrong?”
He smiled at her look of concern. “Not a thing. Except that I’m not quite the kid I was, and I don’t think I can hold off much longer.”
She grinned back. “I’ll give you a chance to recover a bit. I’ve got condoms in the bathroom. They should still be good. They’re in the first drawer as you walk in.”
“Ah, smart girl. Although I wish…”
“Yeah. Me, too.”
He kissed her nipple, gave it one last lick, then somehow made it to his feet. He looked down at the tent pole sticking straight out, but he didn’t really mind how ridiculous he looked. Well, her laughter made him mind a bit.
The box of condoms was right where she’d said, and being an optimist, he brought the whole box back to the bed. She hadn’t moved much except to plump the pillow under her head, the better to watch him.
“I remember you without your shirt,” she said. “You definitely didn’t look like this at Stanford.”
“I have a home gym.” He sat on the edge of the bed, aching to touch her again, but first he had to pay attention to the mechanics. Once he got the box open, he pulled out a small packet. “And a personal trainer who has no mercy whatsoever.”
“When you get home, you tell him Renee says thanks.”
Jim laughed, but his smile faded as he realized his trip to the bathroom hadn’t done a damn thing to diminish his hard-on. He needed to think of something, anything, that wasn’t Renee if he wanted this to last more than thirty seconds.
Damn, he should have gotten into baseball when he’d had the chance. No wonder so many guys loved the game. The stats gave them a perfect way to trick their overstimulated brains.
He opened the package and slipped the cool rubber over his very hot flesh. Once on, he looked at the beautiful woman laying in wait, and he knew that no amount of statistics, baseball or otherwise, was going to help him. Not this first time.
Twelve years he’d waited for this moment. Damn shame it was going to be over so fast, but then, there was always take two, right?
“What are grinning at?” she asked, looking at him through narrowed eyes.
He moved closer to her on the bed, put his hands on either side of her pillow so he was up close and personal. “I want this to be perfect,” he said, “but the odds of that happening are about a billion to one.”
She blinked her long lashes. “You’re joking, right?”
His breath caught, and he tried not to let her see his panic. “Well, hey, you know, I wanted to at least try even though—“
Her fingers went to his lips. “No, you idiot. I wasn’t— It’s already perfect.”
It was his turn to blink. To let her words sink in.
So that’s how it happened. All those misunderstandings came from wanting this so badly. From the fear that a word or a gesture could ruin the most important thing in the world. “You’re right,” he said. “You are already perfect.”
To put a finer point on the sentiment, he kissed her. Kissed her as if it was that first week of college. As if he’d just asked her to the prom. As if they had always been together.
Renee kissed him back, and the wonder struck her yet again. His kiss. Jim’s kiss. Jim’s tongue. Jim’s body, naked, his legs pressing against her knees, begging her to spread herself.
Jim, ready to make love to her. To Renee, the kid from the dorm. The one who’d cried when she listened to all that music.
She opened herself to him. Her mouth, her thighs, her heart. If this was it, the one magical moment allotted by whomever makes up the universe, she would give it her all. She hadn’t been around that many blocks, but she did know that chances like this didn’t happen often, and they tended to disappear with only regret in their wake.
Not this time.
She touched him everywhere she could, tasted his tongue his lips, his neck. She moved her whole body against him, wanting to remember the exact sensation. And when he moved his hand to get himself in position, she tried like hell not to anticipate the moment of entry because that was maybe her favorite thing—to be fully alive, fully present.
He grunted and moved inside her just a tiny bit. Just the head of his penis.
She opened her eyes, which surprised her because she didn’t remember closing them. He was looking at her, his face only inches away.
His smile filled her with such happiness. It was almost perfect. Almost.
She pushed herself up, forcing him to go deeper, to fill her. All the while with her eyes wide-open.
“Say my name,” she whispered. “Please.”
“Renee,” Jim said as he looked at her with such need it made her eyes fill with tears.
He entered her then, slowly. It was difficult to keep her eyes open, but she had to. She had to mark this moment. This was her one chance to be part of him. This man whom she’d loved for so long, whom she’d never stopped loving.
She arched her back, pressing into him as his body and hers became one. It was corny as hell, but she didn’t care. She’d tried for years to become cynical, to pretend that love was no big thing.
It wasn’t. It was everything.
“Jim,” she whispered. “Oh, my God.”
He chuckled low, the deep sound weaving a spell. When he moved, slowly pulling back only to fill her again, it was as if she’d never done this before.
“You feel so good,” he said. “So soft and warm.”
She opened her mouth, but no words came. Just an inarticulate moan of utter satisfaction. She wanted this to go on forever.
Damn, she was so screwed. She’d thought this one time would be enough. That she’d gather the moments and keep them in a box near her bed. But memories would be nothing. They would only remind her that she’d had a perfect night.
“Whoa,” he said. “What happened. Come back to me.”
She opened her eyes, once again surprised that she’d closed them. “I’ve just loved you for so long,” she confessed. “All those years, and I thought—“
“I’m here now,” he said. “We’re here together. Let’s not be anywhere else.”
She nodded, knowing he was right. There would be plenty of time for regrets. Tonight, there was no room for anything but joy.
He kissed her again, softly, as he made love to her. She held on to him with her arms and then her legs, wrapped up around his back. She loved what he was doing to her, but she also wanted more. Wasn’t that just like her? Not seeing the truth in the moment, but projecting, always projecting.
She zeroed in on his face as he pulled back. She studied his face, noticed a hundred small changes that made him a man instead of the boy she’d known. It wasn’t just his body that had grown up; he had come into his own. There was a sureness about him, a maturity that could stand up to any storm.
Had she done as well? Despite today’s setback she was proud of her work, and yes, she could leave Atlanta behind and make her mark in a bigger arena. So she supposed her confidence had increased.
But maturity? Perhaps more than satisfying an old itch, Jim’s sudden appearance in her life was the beginning of a new age for her. Now that she understood she’d missed all his signals, she could look at other areas of her life where she might have done the same. There was no fear in the thought, only excitement at what she might learn.
“There you are,” he said. “Stay with me. I want to remember this. You.”
She nodded, then gasped as he picked up the tempo. He continued to take her breath away as the man inside her slipped from gentle to demanding.
Her whole body tingled as he took her. The muscles of his back bunched and released, his breath came in short, hot gulps, and his eyes, those eyes! They seared her with passion.
Her legs dropped, unable to keep up with him. All she could do was anchor herself to the bed and let the feelings overwhelm her senses.
“I love your body,” he said, his voice even lower, huskier. “It’s what I dreamed of.” He said this as he braced himself with one hand and swept the other over her skin with a possessiveness she’d never have imagined. “You’re perfect, Renee.”
She struggled to believe him, but only for a moment. There was no doubt he was telling her the truth. The second she accepted his words, she came.
It wasn’t like any orgasm she’d had. It was a whole new climax for an entirely new woman. She’d been reborn and her body trembled with the truth of it.
He pushed and pushed, and his expression turned fierce and beautiful as he came. They strained together, and when it was over, they melted into each other as if they’d traded bones for liquid heat.
For a long time, the only sound was their mingled breaths. He was heavy on top of her, but she didn’t mind. When she could, she rubbed his back.
He finally lifted his head. “Damn,” he said. He kissed her hard, then rolled over. Before she could complain, he reached down for the blanket and pulled it over them both, then he snuggled up beside her.
“That was amazing,” he said. “Just way the hell too fast.”
“Do you hear me complaining?”
“No. You’re too nice to say anything.”
“Ha. I’ve never been that nice.”
He nodded. “True.”
She pinched his side, and he pouted in the most masculine of ways. It felt good to laugh. To tease. To just be with the best friend she’d ever had.
“So I was thinking,” he said. “About that whole job thing.”
The teasing she knew was over. A new sensation filled her with equal parts dread and hope. “Yeah?”
“There’s lots of advertising agencies in New York. I work with several, and I’m thinking you might find one good enough.”
“So you think I should move to New York,” she repeated. “For work.”
He turned on his side, resting on his elbow. His expression was open, excited. “Not just for work, no. The truth is, I don’t want this to be over. It took too damn long to find you again.”
That was it. She’d never dared hoped to hear those words, not even in her dreams. She burst into tears, hating that she was being such a girl.
“Renee, oh, man. Please tell me those are good tears, okay? Please.”
“Good,” she managed to mumble. “Very, very good.”
“Oh, thank God. So you think there’s a shot? That you might like to at least try New York?”
She sniffed, then realized that wasn’t going to cut it. She sat up, grabbed some tissue from the bedside table. It took some doing, but finally she felt as if she could face him.
Of course, she was wrong about that. The moment she looked at the hope in his eyes, she lost it again. But this time, she didn’t let it stop her.
“There’s more than a shot. I’ll turn in my resignation tomorrow. I’ll let the landlord know I’m moving.”
“You’re sure? This is big,” he said. He shifted on the bed, made a face and said, “Hold that thought.” Then he headed for the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Renee took advantage of his absence and blew her nose. Then she tried to wipe some of the mascara off her face, and pinched herself to make sure she wasn’t dreaming.
He wanted her. For keeps. He wanted her to move to New York and…
And then what? Find an apartment? Move in with him?
Oh, God. This was too much, too big, and how could she make this kind of a decision when she was punch-drunk with love?
The bathroom door swung open and Jim walked back to the bed. Still beautifully naked although not quite at full salute. Not to say his enthusiasm had waned.
“I have a brownstone,” he said. “It’s really big. You can redecorate if you want, I don’t care. Just so I can keep my office the way I like it. Other than that, it’s all yours. Unless you want us to find another place.”
She burst out laughing as he plunked himself down on the bed.
“What?”
“It’s going to take us both a minute to get used to this, I think.”
“You don’t have to live with me. I guess I’m going too fast here, but I—“
Once again, she put her fingers to his lips. “I want to live with you. I’ve always wanted that. It’s just that my savings account isn’t exactly filled to the brim. Moving and all—“
“It’s not a problem. I can take care of it.”
She leaned over to kiss him. “You might be able to, but no. I’ll figure out a way. Damn, if only I’d gotten all six numbers.”
“What?”
“Last night’s lottery. It was worth millions. But I only got five out of six.”
He pulled his head back and gave her the strangest look. “Have you ever played the lottery before?”
“A couple of times. Really. I’m not a compulsive gambler or anything.”
”Have you ever read the rules?”
“No, but I’m over twenty-one, so—”
“Renee, honey, you won.”
“No, I got five out of—”
“Five out of six wins. Not the megamillions, but a sizeable chunk.”
“How sizeable?”
“I don’t know. Do you have today’s paper?”
She was halfway to the living room before the sentence ended. His laughter followed her, but she was too anxious to find out what this meant.
She didn’t even know where to look, so Jim took over. He found the page, folded the paper and read.
“Well?
“How does two-hundred-forty-thousand dollars sound?”
“What?” she said, only her voice was this tiny little squeak.
“Please tell me you didn’t throw away the ticket.”
“No, I’ve still got it. But can I see?”
He showed her where it said the amount, and she read it over and over until it sank in.
“And here I thought it was just my luck to lose the promotion and the lottery all in one day.”
“Well, you didn’t get the big prize,” Jim said.
She took his face in her hands and kissed him square on the lips. “Are you kidding? I totally got the big prize.”
The End