Prologue

X woke with a terrible dull. I was shivering even before
I opened my eyes. Cringing in bed, I drew my legs
up tightly until my knees were against my stomach and
I buried my face in the blanket, actually biting down on
the soft, down comforter until I could taste me linen.
No matter how warm my room was, I had to sleep with
a blanket I had to wrap myself securely or I couldn't
sleep. Sometimes, during the night, I would toss it off,
but by morning, it was spun around me again as if
some invisible spider was trapping me in its web. I
could feel the sticky threads on my fingers and feet,
and struggle as much as I'd like, I was unable to tear
myself free.
Exhausted, I lay there, waiting as me spider drew
closer and closer until it was over me and I looked up
into its face and saw that it was Daddy.
Because my daddy went to work so eariy, my mother
was always tee one left with the responsibility of waking
me, if I didn't use and shine on my own far school.
She would usually wake me up by making extra noise
outside my bedroom door. She rarely knocked and she
almost never opened toe door. I could probably count
on me fingers of one hand how many times my mother
had been in my bedroom while I was in it too, especially
during the last five years.
Instead, she would wait for me to leave for school,
and then she would enter like a hotel maid after me
guests had gone and clean and arrange me room to her
liking. I was never neat enough to please her, and when
I was younger, if I dared to leave mi undergarment on a
chair or on the top of the dresser, she would complain
vehemently and look like the wicked witch in 77i« WzardafOz.


8

V.C.ANDSEWS

"Your things are very private and not for the eyes of
others," she would scowl, and put her hands on me and
shake me. "Do you understand, Cathy? Do you?"
I would nod quickly, but what others? I would wonder.
My mother didn't like any of my father's friends or
business associates and she had no friends of her own.
She prized her solitude. No one came to our house for
dinner very often, if at all, and certainly no one visited
my room or came upstairs, and even if they had, they
wouldn't see anything because Mother insisted I keep
my door shut at all times. She taught me that from the
moment I was able to do it myself.
Nevertheless, she would be absolutely furious now if
I didn't put my soaps and lotions back in the bathroom
cabinet, and once, when I had left a pair of my panties
off the desk chair, she cut them up and spread the
pieces over my pillow to make her point
This monring she was especially loud. I heard her
put down me pail pa me floor roughly, practically
slamming it She was cleaning earlier than usual. The
mop hit my door, swept the hard wood floor in the hallway
and then lot my door again. I looked at the small
clock housed in dear Danish crystal on my night table.
The clock was a birthday present from my grandmother,
my mother's mother, given only weeks before she
had passed away from lung cancer. She was a heavy
smoker. My grandfather was twelve years older man
she was and died two years later from a heart attack.
Like me, my mother had been an only child. Not long
ago I found out I wasn't supposed to be, but that's another
story, maybe even one that's more horrible man
what's happened to me recently. Whatever, one thing
CAT

was certain: we didn't have much family. Our Thanksgiving
turkeys woe always small. Mother didn't like
leftovers. Daddy muttered Oat she threw away enough
food to feed another family, but he never muttered load
enough for Mother to hear. .
Part of the reason for our small Thanksgivings and
Christmas holidays was because my father's parents
had nothing to do with him or with us; has sister Agatha
and his younger brother Nigel never came to see us either.
My father had told me mat none of his family
members liked anyone else in the family and it was
best for aU of them to just avoid each other. Itwould be
years before I would find out why. It was like finding
pieces to a puzzle and potting them together to create
an explanation for confusion.
When my mother hit me door with the mop again, I
knew it was time to rise, but I was stalling. Today was
my'day at Doctor Mariowe's group therapy session.
The other three girls. Misty, Star and Jade, had told
their stories and now they wanted to hear mine. I knew
they were afraid I wouldn't show up and to teem it
wouki be something of a betrayal. They had each been
honest to me point of pain and I had listened and heard
their most intimate stories. I knew they believed they
lad earned the right to hear mine, and I wasn't going to
disagree with teat, but at this very moment, I wasn't sure if I could actually gamer enough courage to tell
teem my talc.
Mother wasn't very insistent about it She had been
told by other doctors and counselors mat it was very
important for me to be in therapy, but my mother didn't
trust doctors. She was forty-six years old and from

6
V. C. ANDKEWS

what I understood, she had not been to a doctor for
more than thirty years. She didn't have to go to a doctor
to give birth to me. I had been adopted. I didn't
team that until... until afterward, but it made sense, it
|| was practically the only thing that did.
My chills finally stopped and I sat up slowly. I had a
dark maple dresser with an oval mirror almost directly
across from my bed so when I lose in the morning, the
fast thing I saw was myself. It was always a surprise to
see mat I had not changed during the night, mat my
face was still formed me same way (too found and full
of baby fat), my eyes were still hazel and my hair was
still a dull dark brown. In dreams I had oozed off my
bones and dripped into tile floor. Only a skeleton remained.
I guess that signified my desire to completely
disappear. At least that was what Doctor Marlowe suggested
at an eariier session.
I slept in a rather heavy cotton nightgown, even during
the summer. Mother wouldn't permit me to own
anything flimsy and certainly not anything sheer.
Daddy tried to buy me some more feminine nighties
and even gave me one for a birthday present once, but
my mother accidentally ruined it in the washing machine.
I cried about it
"Why," she would ask, "does a woman, especially a
young girl or an unmarried woman, haw to look attractive
to go to sleep? It's not a social event. Pretty things
aren't important for that; practical things are, 'and
spending money on frilly, silly garments for sleep is a
waste.
"ft's also bad for steep," she insisted, ^to stir yourself
up with narcissistic thoughts. You shouldn't dwell
CAT

on your appearance just before you lay down to rest &
fills your head with nasty things," she assured me. 1
If my daddy heard her say these things, be would
laugh and shake his head, but one look from her would
send him fleeing to me safety and me silence of his
books and newspapers, many of which she didn't approve.

When I was a little girl, I would sit and watch her
look through magazines and shake her head and take a
black magic marker to advertisements she thought were
too suggestive or sexy. She was the stem censor, perusing
all print materials, checking television programs.
1 and even going through my schoolbooks to be sure
nothing provocative was in them. She once cot illustrations
out of my science text Many times she phoned
meschool and had angry conversations with my teach-
as. She wrote letters to me administrators. I was always
embarrassed about it, but I never dared say so.
Yawning and stretching as if I were sliding into my
body, I finally slipped my feet into my fur-lined learner
| slippers and went into the bathroom to take a shower. I
know I was moving much slower than usual A part of
me didn't want to leave toe room, but mat was one of
to reasons I had been seeing Doctor Mariowe in the
first place: my desire to withdraw and become even
more of an introvert than I was before... before it all
happened or, to be more accurate, before it was all revealed.
When you can He to yourself, you can hide behind
a mask and go out into the world. You don't feel
as naked nor as exposed.
I wasn't sure what I would wear today. Since it was
ay day in the center of the circle, I thought I should
VC.ANDKEWS f

took better dressed, although Misty certainly didn't
dress up for her day or any day thereafter. Still, I
thought I might feel a little better about myself if I did.
Unfortunately, my favorite dress was too tight around
my shoulders and my chest The only reason my mother
hadn't cut it up for rags was she hadn't seen me in it
for some time. What I chose instead was a one-piece,
dark-brown cotton dress with an empire waist ft was
the newest dress 1 had and looked me best on me even
though my mother deliberately had bought it a size too
tug. Sometimes I think if she could cut a hole in a sheet
and drape it over me, she'd be the happiest I know
why and there's nothing I can do about it except have
an operation to reduce me size of my breasts, winch
she finds a constant embarrassment
"Be careful to step on me sheets of newspaper"
Mother warned when I opened my bedroom door to go
down to breakfast "The floor's still wet"
A path of old newspaper pages led to the top of the
stairway where she waited with the pail in one hand,
me mop, like a knight's lance, in the other. She turned
and descended ahead of me, her small head bobbing on
her rather long, stiff neck with every downward step.
The scent of heavy disinfectant rose from me hardwood
slats and filled my nostrils, effectively smothering
me small appetite I was able to manage. I held my
bream and followed her. In me kitchen my bowl for cereal,
my glass of orange juice and a plate for a slice of
whole wheat toast with her homemade jam was set out
Mother took out the pitcher of milk and brought it to
me table. Then, she looked at me with those large
round dark critical eyes, drinking me in from head to

8
foot I was sure I appeared pale and tiled and I wished I
could put oh a little makeup, especially after seeing
how the other girls looked, but I knew Modier would
makemewipeitofififIhadany.As ageneralrule, she
was against makeup, but she was especially critical of
anyone who wore it during the daytime.
She didn't say anything, which meant she approved
of my appearance. Silence meant approval in my house
and there were many times when I welcomed it
I sat and poored some cereal out of the box, adding
bi the blueberries and then some milk. She watched me
drink my juice and dip my spoon into me cereal, mixing
it aU first I could feel her hovering like a hawk.
Her gaze shifted toward me chair my father used to sit
oh every morning, throwing daggers from her eyes as if
he were still sitting there. He would read his paper,
mumble about something, and then sap his coffee.
Sometimes^ when Hooked at him, I found him staring
at me with a small smile on his lips. Then he would
look at my mother and turn his attention quickly back
to me paper like a schoolboy caught peering at someone
else's test answers.
"So today's your day?" Mother asked. She knew ft
'was.-, - .. ;
"Yes"
"What fire yougoing to tell them?"
"I don't know," I said. I ate mechanically, Ac cereal
feeling like it was getting stuck in my throat
"You'll be blaming things on me, I suppose" she
said. She had said it often.
"No.Iwon't"
"That's what mat doctor would like you to do: put
V. C. ANDREWS

the blame at my feet. It's convenient It makes their job
easier to find a scapegoat."
"She doesn't do that" Isaid.
"I don't see tfae value in this, exposing your private
problems to strangers. 1 don't see the value at all," she
said, shaking her head.
Doctor Marlowe thinks it's good for us to share," 1
loMhfil^
I knew Mother didn't like Doctor Marlowe, but I
also knew she wouldn't have liked any psychiatrist
Mother lived by the adage, "Never air your duty linen
in public." To Mother, public meant anyone outside of
mis house. She had had to meet with Doctor Marlowe
by herself, too. It was part of me therapy treatment for
me and she had hated every minute of it She complained
about me prying questions and even the way
Doctor Marlowe looked at her with what Mother said
wasa very judgmental gaze. Doctor Marlowe was good
at keeping her face like a blank slate, so I knew whatever
Mother saw in Doctor Marlowe's expression, she
put mere herself.
Doctor Marlowe had told me that it was only natural
for my mother to blame herself or to believe other people
blamed her. I did blame her, but I hadn't ever said
mat and wondered if I ever would.
"Remember, people tike to gossip," Mother continued. "You don't give mem anything to gossip about,
hear, Cathy? You make sure you mink about everything
before you speak. Once a wood is out, it's out You've
got to think of your thoughts as valuable rare birds
caged up in here," she said pointing to her temple, "m
me best and safest place of all, your own head. if she
CAT

tries to make you tell something you don't want to tell,
you just get yourself right up out of that chair and call
me to come fetch you, hear?"
She paused, and birdlike, craned her long neck to
peer at me to see if I was paying full attention. Her
hands were on her hips. She had sharp hipbones mat
protruded and showed themselves under her housecoat
whenever she pressed her palms into her sides. They
looked like two pot handles. She was never a heavy
woman, but all of mis had made her sick, too, and she
had lost weight until her cheeks looked flat and
drooped like wet handkerchiefs on her bones.
"Yes, Mother," I said obediently, without looking up
at her. When she was like this, I had trouble looking directly
at her. She had eyes mat could pierce the walls
around my most secret thoughts. As her face had
thinned, her eyes had become even larger, even more
penetrating', seizing on me quickest look of hesitation
to spot a lie.
And yet, I thought, she hadn't been able to do that to
Daddy. Why not?
"Good," she said nodding. "Good."
She pursed her lips for a moment and widened her
nostrils. All of her features were small. I remember ray
father once describing her as a woman with the bones
of a sparrow, but despite her diminutive size, there was
nothing really fragile about her, even now, even in her
dark state of mind and troubled demeanor. Our family
problems had made her strong and hard like an old
raisin, something past its prime, although she didn't
took old. There was barely a wrinkle in her face. She
often pointed that out to emphasize the beneficial qual-

21

V.C. ANDREWS

ides of a good clean life, and why I shouldn't be
swayed by other girls in school or dungs I saw on television
and in magazines.
I laughed to myself thinking about Misty's mother's
obsession with looking younger, going through plastic
surgery, cosmetic creams, herbal treatments. Mother
would put nothing more than Ivory soap and warm
water on her skin. She never smoked, especially after
what had happened to her mother. She never drank beer
or wine or whiskey, and she never permitted herself to
be in the sun too long.
My father smoked and drank, but never smoked in
the house. Nevertheless, she would make a big thing out of die stink in his clothing and hang his suits out on
her clothesline in the yard before she would permit
them to be put back into the closet. Otherwise, she
said, they would contaminate his other garments, and,
"Who knows? Maybe the smell of smoke is just as dangerous
to your health," she said.
As I ate my breakfast. Mother went about her business,
cleaning the dishes from her own breakfast, and
then she pounced on my emptied orange juice glass,
grasping it in her long, bony fingers as if it might just
sneak off the table and hide in a corner.
"Go up and brush your teeth," she commanded,
"white I finish straightening up down here and then
we'll get started. Something tells me 1 shouldn't be
bringing you there today, but we'll see" she added.
"We'llsee"
She ran the water until it was almost too hot to touch
and then she rinsed out my cereal bowl. Often, she
made me feel like Typhoid Mary, a carrier of endless
germs. If she could boil everything I or my father
I toadied, she would.
I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, ran a brush
through my hair a few times and then stood there, gazmgat
myself m the bathroom mirror. Despite what
each of me girls had told me and the others about herself ,
I wondered how I could talk about my Ufe with
: me same frankness. Up until now, only Doctor Mar-
I. lowe and the judge and agent from me Child Protection
Agency knew my story.
| I could feel the trembling in my calves. It moved up
| my legs until it invaded my stomach, churned my food
|T and shot up into my heart, making it pound.
» - "Come on if you're going," I heard Mother shout
H ifiHMabelow. "I have woik to do today"
I' My breakfast revolted and I had to get to my knees
at me toilet and heave. I tried to do it as quietly as I
could so sue wouldn't hear Finally, I felt better and I
washed my face quickly.
Mother had her light gray tweed short coat on over
ikt housecoat and was standing impatiently at the front
door. She wore her black shoes with thick heels and
issvy nylon stockings mat nearly reached her knees.
This morning she decided to tie a light brown scarf
«ound her neck. Her hair was the color of tarnished
^Qver coins and tied with a duck rubber band in her
jBSlial tight knot at the base of her skull.
Despite her stem appearance, my mother had beaud- ^BBl cerolean blue eyes. Sometimes I thought of mem as
l^isoiiers because of the way mey often caught the light
||Bd8parided even though the rest of her face was glum.
looked like they belonged in a much younger
V.C.ASDSEWS

woman's head, a head that craved fun and laughter.
These eyes longed to smile. I used to think that it had
to have been her eyes that had drawn my father to her,
but that was before I teamed about her having had inherited
a trust when she turned twenty-one.
When my mother accused my father of marrying her
for her money, he didn't deny it Instead he lowered his
newspaper and said, "So? It's worm ten times what it
was then, isn't it? You should thank me."
Did he deliberately miss the point or was that always
the point? I wondered.
I knew we had lots of money. My father was a stockbroker
and it was true that he had done wonders with
our investments, building a portfolio that cushioned us
for a comfortable, worry-free life. Little did I or my
mo&er realize just how important mat would be.
Mother and I walked out to the car, which was in the
driveway. My mother had backed it out of the garage
very early this morning and washed the windshield as
well as vacuumed the floor and seats. It wasn't a late- model car, but because of the way my mother kept it
and the little driving she did, it looked nearly new.
"You're pale," she told me. "Maybe you should caU
inside."
"I'm an right," I said. I could just hear diem an saying, "We knew it We knew she wouldn't come.** Of
course, they would be furious.
"I don't like it," Mother mumbled.
Every time she complained, it stirred the little frogs
in my stomach and made them jump against my ribs. I
got into we car quickly. She sat at the wheel, staring at
the garage door. There was a dent in the corner where
my father had backed into it one night with his car after
he had had a little too much to drink with some old
friends. He never repaired it and every time Mother
looked at it, I knew she thought of him. It made the
anger in her heart boil and bubble.
"I wonder where he is 1ms fine morning," she said as
she turned on me engine. "I hope he's in hell."
We backed out of the driveway and started away. My
mother drove very slowly, always below me speed
limit, which made drivers in cars behind us lean on
their horns and curse through locked jaws of frustration.

Before my father had left, he had helped me get my
permit and men my license, but Mother didn't like me
driving. She thought the driving age should be raised to
twenty-one, and even mat was too low these days.
"People are not as mature as they were when I was
younger," she told me. 'It takes years and years to
grow up and driving is a big responsibility. I know why
your father let you do it," she added, grinding her teeth.
She did that so often, it was a wonder she didn't have
more dental problems. "Bribery," she spit "Even hell is
too good for him."
"ft wasn't just bribery. Mother. I'm a careful driver,"
I said. She had yet to let me drive her car and had been
a my father's car only twice when I had driven, complaining
(be whole time,each time.
"You can never be careful enough," she replied.
These expressions and thoughts were practically automatic.
I wed to think Mother has tiny buttons in her
brain and when something is said, it hits one of those
buttons winch triggers sentences already formed and
V.C. ANDREWS

ready to be sent out through her tongue. Each button
was assigned a particular thought or philosophical
statement.
il. This morning it was partly cloudy and a tot more
||| humid than te had been the last few days. The weather-
||U a^ predicted possible thunderstonns later in the after^ noon. 1 coold see some nasty looking clouds looming
m the west over the ocean, waiting like some gathering
army to launch an attack.
"I'll be home all day," Mother continued as we drove
along."if you need me, you don't hesitate to call,
hear?"
"All right," I said-
"I've done all my food shopping. I've got to work on
ourbooks."
She meant our finances. My mother had gained control
of most of that fortune and prided herself on how
well she kept our accounts. She attacked it with me
same degree of efficiency she attacked everything else.
There was a button in her brain connected to "Waste
not,wantnot"
When Doctor Marlowe's house came into view,
Mother clicked her tongue and shook her head.
"I don't like this," she said. "I don't see any good
coming from this."
1 didn't speak. With obvious reluctance, she tamed
into me driveway and pulled up just as Jade's limousine
was pulling away.
"Who is that spoiled girl?" she asked, her eyes narrowing
as me limousine disappeared. She hoisted
shoulders and looked ready to pounce od my
like some alley cat .
"Her name is Jade" I said. "Her father is an important
architect and her mother manages sales for a big
cosmetics company."
"Spoiled" she declared again with the rock solid
, firmness of a doctor pronouncing someone dead. She
nodded and raised her eyes. "As ye sow, so shall ye
|',aeap/' ' ' - . -.
- : ^ She stopped the car and looked at me with eyes mat
always seemed to lay the blame totally at my feet de-
t flpite me way she would mutter about and curse my fa-
fe^1^11^
g|gf "When will this be over?" she demanded, gazing so
| fariously at the house, I thought she ought cause it to
I jtttplode right before our eyes.
1^: "I guess it'll be the same time as yesterday and me
| day before," I told her.
^-"UnV she said. She thought for a moment and then
||tBmed back to me sharply. "Remember, don't let that
jJlimmao make you say anything you don't want to say,"
||6ewanied. - - . ^ .
^^S.w»'t" , , , . -
^IISte nodded, her eyes still fueled by ftry, lemaining
iim bright as two Christmas tree lights. H
I^Hretched and she spoke through clenched teeth.
|| ^ hope he's sitting in hell" she said.
^;1 wondered why I didn't
|||3 ibould, I thought I should hate him more than she

^^ gazed at the front door of Doctor Marlowe's house.
f today, maybe today I would discover why all

V. C. ANDSEWS

Mother looked at me, shook her head, and drove away,
her neck as stiff as ever. 1 watched her stop st the end
of tee driveway and then turn into the street and head
backforhonae.
Then I took a very deep breath, pressed my clutched
hands against my stomach, and walked up to the door
to press the doorbell. When Doctor Marlowe's maid
Sophie opened me door, I was surprised to see me three
of mem: Misty, Star and Jade, standing mere right behind
her, smiling, or more to the point, smirking out
atme.
"We decided not to waste our time back there in
Doctor Marlowe's office. IE you didn't show up on
schedule, we were aU going to go home," Jade said,
lifting me right Conner of her mouth, and speaking in
her most arrogant, haughty voice.
"I'm glad you came" Misty said with her habitually
bubbly smile.
"Let's get started," Star added. She brought her
hands to her hips and leaned toward me. "Well, c'mon
in. Don't stand out mere all day gaping at us like some
dummy. Doctor Mariowe's waiting for you."
I stepped in and Misty jumped ahead of Sophie to
quickly close me door.
"Gotcha," she said and laughed.
They garnered around me to march me back to Doctor
Mariowe's office and for a few moments, I felt like
I was going to my own execution.
There was plenty about myself I wanted tosee die.
Maybe, I thought, it was time to do it
.Doctor Marlowe was at her desk when we all
marched into her office. She quickly finished whatever
she was doing and joined us.
"Good morning, giris," she sang with that happy
smile of welcome. "I didn't know anyone had arrived
.yet Did you all come at the same time?"
"Wheie's Emma this morning?" Star asked, instead
| of answering her question. "She usually sets off the
alarm when we appear."
r Doctor Mariowe laughed. I admired her ability to
lever lose control, never get upset or angry at anything
my of us said, especially Stat, who never seemed to be
Bed of testing bee Of course, after having beard her
itory, I understood why Star was so angry all die time.
laid then I wondered if that wasn't really die way I
ihould act, too.
fc "My sister had an early dental appointment EveryV C. ANDREWS

was comfortable where you have been sitting?" she asked, glancing quickly at me. Now that I was actually
here, she looked almost as nervous as I felt
"Why shouldn't we be?" Star asked.
Doctor Marlowe's smile flickered like a flashlight
"with weakened batteries and then disappeared.
This morning she wore turquoise earrings and had a
bit more of a wave in her duty blond hair. It was
trimmed neatly at her ears. As usual, she wore a skirt
suit with a white silk blouse with pearl buttons closed
at her throat
The first time my mother had met her, she had
seemed relieved that our therapist wasn't particularly
pretty. For reasons I didn't quite understand. Mother
was always suspicious of attractive women or else intimidated
by them. There wasn't a movie star or &
model with whom she didn't find fault They were ei'
ther obsessed with being too thin or conceited and had
distorting priorities. Mother was proud of the fact that i
she rarely, if ever, looked in the mirror more than once I
or twice a day. She thought the world would be better
without them and if she caught me gazing at myself,
she would ask, "Why are you looking at yourself -w
much? If something's wrong, m tell you." ^
I didn't think I looked in the mirror any more than.
or even as much as girls my age did, but I couldn'ta
help being self-critical and comparing myself to owe
girls and women I met. Doctor Marlowe's nose was:
bit too long and her lips too thin, but she did have
figure I coveted. I would even like to. be as tall. I
ways felt short and dumpy because of my own fif
| and height. Doctor Marlowe was at least six feet

20

and I was barely five feet four, and with my figure,
(hat made me feet almost comical, distorted, despite
the nice things Daddy used to say. He was practically
the only one who tried to make me feel good about
^8Bl£ , . , .
Was Mother right? Were those really all lies? And if
Joey were, weren't mere some lies we needed?
fr "Well, let's get started," Doctor Mariowe declared
with a small clap. She nodded and sat and motioned for
»to do the same.
There was a deep and long moment of silence, the
d that makes my heart stop and men pound. I could
t everyone's eyes on me. I actually began to tremble
my thigfaa abafcing. I embraced myself like
f who was afraid she would just fly apart.
^^"How are you all today?" Doctor Mariowe asked.
I--Ginger peachy," Star said.
"'Good" Misty said with a nice smile.
"I'd like to have slept m longer" Jade said. "It's sup- |Med to be our summer holiday."
|i Doctor Mariowe laughed and gazed my way, her
^soft, warm, compassionate.
ven so, a ribbon of pain stretched across my fore1
from temple to temple, tightening and tightening
1 it retelite it was cutting through my brain.
^ mink I woke up with a fever mis morning "I said.
I had chills. I still have mem a bit," I added and em1
myself. I rocked a little in my seat
»it easy, Cathy" Doctor Mariowe said in a soft
& "Take deep breaths like you've done before "
I so while the others continued to stare at me.
i sorry "I whispered.
V. C. ANDREWS

"Before I started to talk to all of you about my story,
I felt like throwing up," Misty said in support.
"I did throw up this morning," I confessed.
Star frowned and shook her head.
"ft*s only us. Cat, not the whole country. You aren't
on television on Oprah or something."
"C&wftac»eteBee," Jade ordered.
Star tilted her head a little and looked at Jade from
an angle.
"Do you have some words of wisdom. Princess
Jade?"
"I'm just saying it wasn't easy for any of us"
*Tm not saying it was" Star argued. "But whatever I
her story is, it can't be worse than any of ours, can it?' i
Jade shrugged.
"I still haven't recovered from telling my own story"
she said, as if we were all in a contest to outdo each
other for misery.
The other two nodded in agreement
"No one's going to laugh or anything," Misty
promised with those sweet eyes.
AH right, I thought. AH right They want to hear it
I'B teU them. I'll teu them everything. Then they'll
sorry. We'u all be sorry,
"My situation is a lot different from yours,
yours, and yours," 1 told each of them.
"How so?" Star fired back.
"For one thing, I'm adopted" I replied and qi
added, "bat I didn't learn that until mis year"
"Your parents kept that a secret all this tune?"!
immediately asked.
One thing about these girls, I thought they
<oing to be bashful about asking questions. It wasn't
"'" oing to be easy hiding anything from them.
eSSfiss",-.- . : . .:- ^
"Weren't there any baby pictures of you?" Jade
sked. ' .- ' .
s^Tfo. Well not before I was two"
b';*^)^*! you eves wonder about that? Everyone has
tttctures of their children when they were infants."
| .-"No. I mean, I've wondered, but I didn't ask any
BMdons about it"
i^ay not?" Star demanded.
I just didn't It never occurred to me mat I could be
'. 2 look a. little like my mother. We sort of have
i nose and mouth."
, you could have asked about the pictures. What
I of parents wouldn't have pictures," Jade pursued.
don't Vke asking my mother questions," I admit- "She doesn't like me to. She grew up believing
dren should be seen and not heard and that's how
»wants me to be."
a're not a child," Jade said.
dly," Star added with a laugh. "One look at her
lyouthat"
not just talking about her bosom," Jade
d. "Some girls physically mature faster, but mat
a't make them grownups."
I was mature very early," I admitted. Maybe I want> stop their bickering or maybe I just wanted to get
toryout
tow early?" Misty asked leaning toward me. "I
I, I'm still waiting."
ar and Jade laughed. Doctor Marlowe held her
v.c.aisdsews f|

Bpsstm, but her eyes filled with a twinkle of amuse- ^ j
ment
1 was stBl in the fourth grade when... when I start-
edto develop"
"Fourth giader Star whistled. "You weie wearing a
biainlfaefouUhgyade'r
"Notexacfty.My moftKx didn't lake me to^ »ai
until I was m the sixth grade,"! said.
"Wen, what did you wear before then?" Star asked.
"She made me wear a sports bra, a size or so too
small so it flattened me somewhat It was made out of
q^M&«&^^&^Efc^«aaa^BA.^'««&«iaiSq ibgr

«xiLi&c6«Lm^&,xcq A^^TOAw^aBtoat&TA.V'
coniq^antte^A^tesa»A{^a&Xo^^oan»i}K&iat
a gid my age would only emphasize my freakish appearance."
Ts that what she called it?" Jade said with a scowl.
'Treakishr
Inodded.
"I'd like to get a little more freakish myself men"
Misty said. "I guess I'm going to end up having implants
when I'm in my twenties."
"You shouldn't put so much emphasis on it just because
men do " Jade said with fire in her eyes.
Misty gave her one of her small shrugs and turned
backtome.
"What did your father say about it?" she asked.
"He didn't say anything to my mother right away.At
least, not in front of me." I added. "My mother has always been more in charge when it came to matters concerning
me, matters my father called 'girl stuff.'ms!

S841
Earner was always very busy. He's a stockbroker and he
was out of die house eariy in the morning, except for
weekends, of course."
What's he took like?" Jade asked. "I mean, does he
took^itebecou^Tea^be^ourfaAei^ Any icsecttbtences?"
^ gMwi^W&ta^mx feel litaree and he's always
been thin, no matter how much he ate or drank. He has
very long hands. They're almost twice the size of mine,
maybe tiuee times, and his fingers..."
l;&**What?" Afisty asked.

^3riUr^«9«u&.
1-3'T)on't you know it? You put the tips of your fingers
" [ether and you go. The itsy-lritsy spider crawled up
water spout Down came me rain and washed me
Ter out Out came me sun and dried up all the rain.
I me itsy-bitsy spider crawled op the spout again,'"
"lied aad demonstrated, remembering. I guess I had
(t smile on my face. They all looked like they were
; to break into hysterics at any moment
e used to do it with his fingers just like I showed
rand then he would do it with his fingers on mine
I he would crawl up and down my chest
|| ^1 grew up thinking his fingers were really vety
" ich like spider legs, especially when he puts his hand
the table," I said remembering me image. "They
Ic like two big spiders."
I three ghis fixed their eyes on me and waited as
i replaced pictures in my memory. I had my finV. C. ANDREWS

gers cm my chest and had turned them downward without
even realizing what! was doing. My eyes dosed and
then snapped open and I felt myself return to the present
"One of has fingers, the right forefinger, has a birthmark
at the tip, a big, red blotch. It looks like he might
have touched a hot stove or something. People who
meet him for me first time sometimes ask if he had injured
it and he shakes his head and holds it up VQss
some sort of prize andexplains it's just a birthmark.
' "Tire palms of his hands are puffy and me lines are
deep. In fact, he has a line so deep at the baseof his left
palm, it looks like he sliced it He keeps his nails very |
trim. He gets manicures somewhere near his off
once a week," I said. "He takes better care of his 1
gemails than my mother does of hers. I never saw
put nail polish on them. She's never had a manici
Once, when I went over to a girlfriend's house i
came home with my nails polished, she made me
them in turpentine. I had to hold it in so long, it bun
me skin on my fingers."
"Didn't she ever hear of nail polish remover?" Ii
asked dryly. "My mother could get her a lifetime si
ptyatcost" I
"She's heard of it, but she doesn't own any. No t
polish, no need for nail polish remover," I i
thought for a moment "My father's nails
They're like ivory."
"How come you talk so much about your 1
hands?" Misty asked with a wide smile.
I staled at her for a moment and men looked at 1
tar Marlowe, whose eyes were narrowed and inU
How did we get into this so quickly? I wondered. %
^questions had come at me like bullets. Maybe that was
<L Maybe that was the best way, I thought.
tried to swallow, but couldn't, and then I took a
p breath and felt like my father was squeezing my
(and holding my lungs from expanding so I would
i all the secrets imprisoned in my heart. I took an-
rdeep breath to stop mat all too familiar paralyzimbness
from gripping me.
ink some water," Doctor Marlowe ordered, jump- »and handing me a glass.
? giris all looked more frightened than surprised
f sudden reaction. They glanced at each other and
t the door as if they were considering running out
nx»m. They all looked sorry they had dragged
> my past so quickly. I laughed to myself.
want to know why I think of my father's hands
k? Okay, I thought You challenged me to tell
ilL Now you'll sit and listen even if it means
ave nightmares too.
a though he worked very hard and spent a lot of
I from the house, at his firm or visiting with
, my father was me one who played with me.
ys I had, I had because my father bought
an*t remember my mother buying me any
Keenadoll."
H lay head and looked down.
"Misty asked.
nber when he bought me a Barbie doll and
saw how it had breasts. She was so upset
t she took the doll and smashed it to pieces
ing pin in the kitchen.
fisgusting!' she cried. 'How can they make
V.C.ANDSEWS

toys like this for children and how can you buy some- thmg like this for her?'she demanded of my father.
"My father shrugged and said the doll was the most
popular toy in die store for giris. He said the stock in
the company was a good one, too. j
"I knew he was right, of course. Barbie dolls weieJ
very popular and I always wanted one and aH ft
clothes, too. I had to settle for a rag doll my fami
brought home the next day. My mother inspected
closely and stamped her seal of approval oa it wht
she saw these wasn't the slightest sexual thing about]
Despite me stringy hair, it didn't even look femuni)
ended up naming it Bones."
"Why didn't your father just tell her to stuff itT i
asked.
"My fattier is a very quiet man. He doesn't raise 1
voice very often," I said.
"But he was just trying to let you be a normal
Your mother is a little extreme, don't you think?".
pursued.
"Why is your mouierso bossy?" Misty asked.
Suddenly my heart started pounding and die
rose to my face. I looked down when I spoke. It«
most as if I could see my life, my past and a
events being projected on die floor, the pictures!
ing along in a continuous stream.
"My father's not a coward, even though Ie
member too many times when he and my
shouted at each other," I said finally.
"That's practically all I con remember" Jade i
"It's her day," Star said. "We already
you once and once is plenty."
I -i "b that so?" Jade countered.
j| "Yeah, it's so," Star said.
| Jade stared darts back at hen
^ai(<GiI^s/' Doctor Marlowe said softly, shaking her head.
||fe They both turned to me.
||| "laat's not to say my mother didn't criticize my fa- ^|k»l;' I continued. "I don't think a day went by when
^pie didn't have some complaint about his drinking after
Bn&,the friends he had, the things she had asked him
B|do and he had forgotten or neglected. It was just that
H^would rarely... rarely challenge her. I used to be-
Iftftat eariy in their marriage, my father decided the
^B|kt thing for him to do was listen, nod, agree, accept

^mny' I said smiling and still looking down, "but
^^StI thought that he was wiser because of that. I had
^^^iBspect for my father. He was a success in busi^pliod
he seemed so well organized, contented, in
^H|l|9b I suppose is the word. He had an informed
^Bl^aoout everything. Whenever he was chal- ^poe could explain his reasons and ideas. He was
^^^^Ht ^ convincing people. I guess that came from
^Jig a stockbroker and having to sell hope.
^^^plarat our house was always educational. My fa- ^jjllBid comment about something that had hap-
^^pfte government or in the economy, and most
^^l11^ my momer and I would just listen. I mean,
^^^p&ten. When I looked at her, she seemed dis^^^^Mtia her own thoughts. Yet, always at me end,
^^l^say something like, 'Well, what do you ex-
^^^^EBEd? If you leave the barn doors open, the
doufc'"
V. C. AKDSEWS

"Huh?" Misty said. "What do cows have to do with
it?"
I looked at her and smiled.
"My mother is full of old expressions like that. She
has one for every occasion, every event"
"My granny has good expressions too "Star said. ^
"We already heard," Jade sang and threw her nauseatingly
sweet smile at her. "It's Cat's day today, remember?"
she said, enjoying her sweet taste of
revenge. ^
Star smirked and then shook her head and laughed.
I was jealous of them. Already, I was jeatou8,i|
thought. They were at each other all the time, I
could see they also respected and in a funny
liked each other and liked to challenge and to
H, each other. I wanted them to like me too. Who
would like me but these girls? I worried. I cc
count on the fingers of one hand me friends I
had and lately, I had none. I felt like a leper beef
I saw the way some of the other kids looked at m
school. q
It's my own fault, I thought My face might as
be made of glass and all my thoughts and men
printed on a screen inside my head that anyonei
see and read.
"I feel dirty," I muttered.
"What?" Misty asked. "Why?"
I looked up, not realizing I had spoken, ft:
come out like a burp. My heart began to pound i
glanced quickly, fearfully at Doctor Marlowe. 1
me her best calming expression.
"Did you say you feel dirty?" Misty asked.
, "Let Cathy go at her own pace. Misty" Doctor Mar-
we cautioned.
l^'Shesaidit."
|^**I know. It takes time," Doctor Marlowe insisted,
«dag and opening her eyes softly. "You know that.
t of you do," she added.
Hsty relaxed and sat back.
fter a few deep breaths, I went on.
ifoess 1 always felt people were looking at me all
ie,"Isaid.
th a mother calling you a freak, why wouldn't
fade muttered just loud enough for me to bear.
»," I said. "I suppose that's true. My mother
Craked me to wear what other kids my age were
[. I had to always wear shoes, never sneakers,
dresses were drab and not very fashionable.
ained often about the way other young peo-
1 to go to school, especially girls. Every time
ft me to school, she would wag her head and
at the domes other kids wore. She wrote let-
administration but for the most part, they
(wered.
fimoon when she picked me up, she spotted
feof lipstick on my lip. I was in the fifth grade
l lot of girls came to school wearing lipstick,
gh they were only ten years old. There was a
i Dolores Potter who talked me into putting it
^e were in the girls' room together. I was em-
l to admit I had neverdone it before, but she
d laughed because I put it oa too heavily. I
a tissue and we went to class.
self-conscious about it It was like I was
VC.ANDSEWS

wearing a aeon sign. I remember every time I lifted my
eyes and gazed around the room, I was positive boys
were looking at me more. When the bell rang for me end
of me day, I rushed into me bathroom and wiped my|
mouth with a wet paper towel. I thought I had gotten it|
all off, but there was just this one spot in the corner. .
"My mother always looks at me through a microscope.
She doesn't look at anyone else that way. She
fixes her eyes on me and looks at every little thing. If 31
have a strand of hair out of place or my collar
crooked, she spots it and makes me fix it She has ft
thing about me being perfect, her idea of perfect"
added. "Anyway, she spotted me lipstick and enq
The blood rose up through her face like lava. Her i
popped and her eyebrows rose up and without a'
she brought her right hand around from the ste
wheel and snapped it against the side of my face.
like a whip made of file. She was so fast, too. I <
have a chance to brace myself. My head nearly
completely around. I guess it frightened me more 4
it actually hurt, but fear can slice through your 1
and bring a deeper pain.
"I lifted my arms to protect myself. My a
c«md lose her temper and hit me a dozen times. ^
she gets the strength for someone her size, I
know, but she sure can explode."
"You mean she still hits youT'Jade asked. ^
|; "Sometimes. Usually, it's just a slap; she doea
, me hard anymore and always only once" '
. "Whoopie do" Jade said. "How lucky can you!
|| "Next time she goes to stop you, put your fist f
her face" Star advised.
"I couldn't do that My mother just believes if you
japare (he rod, you spoil the child ."
"You're not a child!" Jade practically yelled at me.
(e looked at Doctor Mariowe. "The giri's seventeen,
n't she?" Her eyes were bright with anger. Woe
ariders on July Fourth. "That's the trouble with par-
its these days. They don't know when to stop treating
fcflke children."
SSAaien to that," Star said.
pSfs.not easy for my mother" I said in her defense.
e entire burden of raising me has fallen on her
alders. She doesn't have any family support system.
•really just the two of us," I explained. "I try to be
she wants me to be. I try not to make her any un
der."
looked at Doctor Marlowe because she and I had
issed some of mis. She nodded slightly.
mean, my mother is a victim, too. She doesn't
^be cruel or anything. She's just..."
?" Misty asked.
iened/'Isaid.
Marlowe's eyes filled with satisfaction and
id her lips into a soft smile.
c me a long time to understand that, to realize
, ^sit it's true. We're two mice living alone in
ill of predatory cats and lots of traps."
; another one other expressions?" Jade asked.
|?lt's one of mine," I said. She shook her head
deed away.
(your father hit you, too?" Misty asked.
J.I said. "He never touched me in a way (hat
; or loving," I added.
V. C. ANDREWS

1 glanced at Doctor MaAowe. Should 1 say it wwt
Should 1 be@n to ta&. about the deeper pasal Should I
start to explain how those fingers burned through me
and touched me in places I was afraid to touch myself?
StewiA 1 ta&. about lips ifaal had become full of I
thorns? Should 1 describe tee screams IneaiA m <te
night, screams that woke me and confused me until 1;
realized they were coming from inside me? Is it time tft
bid me little giri inside me good-bye forever and ever^
in my dreams Doctor Mariowe was standing off t
the side with a stopwatch in her hand. I was bracing t
begin my flight Seconds ticked away. She looked up t
me almost as she was looking at me now. Her
was on me watch's button.
"Get ready, Cathy. Get set"
"What if my legs don't move?"
"They win; mey must It's time. Five, four, three.;
She pushed down on the button and shouted,
Go on, Cathy. Get out of here. Hurry. Run, C
Run!"
I let go of the little hand mat I held and charged 1
ward, tears streaming down my face. I looked 8
only once to see a rag doll staring after me. Hi
Bones, but its face had become Daddy's face.
I ran faster and faster and harder and harder
was here in Doctor Marlowe's office,
my sisters in pain.

V. C. ANDREWS

different from the other girls because of the clothing
my mother insisted I wear. No one was permitted to put
III on any makeup, of course, even lipstick, which made
my mother happy. Discipline was strict I knew girls,
however, who snuck cigarettes in and smoked mem.
One was caught and expelled immediately and that;
stopped the smoking for a while. I got into trouble with
Sister Margaret, who was basically the disciplinarian, |
because I went into the giris' room when two giris weiej
smoking and the smell got into my clothes."
"So why would that get you into trouble?"
asked.
"Sister Margaret is known for her nose, not bee
it's too big or anything, but because she can smell d
rette smoke a mile away. Her nostrils twitch like a n
bit's whenshe suspects someone.
"Anyway, teter I was in the cafeteria waiting to (
my lunch. I wasn't even thinking about having been ii
me bathroom with the smokers when suddenly I:
J her hand squeeze down on my left shoulder, her fing
j pinching me hard and pulling me out of the line.
if!! " 'Come with me,' she demanded, and marched
I to the office where she accused me of smoking just bB(
|j cause she could smell it in my hair and clothes. I sw(
j1 I hadn't been smoking and I started to cry, which ¥
|| enough for Sister Louise, (he principal, to judge me
|jj| nocent, but Sister Margaret was relentless.
" 'All right, if you didn't smoke, you were right ii
and certainly close enough to see what was going (
Who was smoking?' she demanded, i
"The thought of telling on gals I had just gotten ;
I.'1 know was terrifying, almost as terrifying as
caught myself. I shook my head and she grabbed my
shoulders and shook me so hard, I thought my eyes
would roll out The sisters could hit you, too" I told
them.
In anticipation of what I was about to describe,
Star's eyes widened with anger.
"She made me put out my hands and slapped them
with a ruler until the tears were streaming down my
| cheeks and my palms were neariy cheny red and I
j couldn't close my fingers"
j,- "I'd have kicked her into her precious heaven," Star
I said. ^ I
| "What did you do?" Misty asked.
J "I told her again and again I didn't know who was
'smoking. 'I don't know everyone,' I lied. I closed my
j eyes expecting lightning to strike me or something because
I was lying to a nun.
. " 'Then you'll point them out,' she decided and
larched me back to the cafeteria.
The moment we entered, all the girls knew why I
been brought back. They stopped talking and
ced up at me. You could almost bear them breathe.
I two gals who had been smoking were very ftightd. They looked down quickly, probably reciting
1 Marys at the table.
l^'They'lenotbere/Isaid.
" 'What do you mean? They have to be here. Every- e's here,' Sister Margaret snapped. She still had her
I on my shoulder and squeezed so hard, it sent pain
n my spine and through my legs.
pretended to look around me cafeteria and then I
: my head.
V. C. AUDKEWS

" 'They're not here!' I cried. Tears were dripping off
my chin by now.
"She was fuming. I thought I could see the smoke
she hated so much coming out of her ears.
" 'Very well,' she said. 'Until your memory improves,
you'll eat lunch by yourself in my office facing
the blank wall every day.' She kept me there for a week
before telling me to return to the cafeteria. The good
thing was they never told my mother," I said.
"How old were you when this all happened?" Jade
asked.
"I had just turned eleven. I was still in the fifth
grade."
"Girls were smoking in me fifth grade?" she muttered.
"That's nothing. Kids in my school have been smoking
forever," Star added.
'Terrific. Maybe Cathy's mother is right Maybe the
country is going to hell," Jade said. |
"You don't know anything about hell" Star told her.
"Your idea of hell is a bad hairdo." ril
"Isthatso?" I
"Girls. Aren't we getting a little off course?" Doctorj
Marlowe softly suggested.
Jade threw a look at Star that could stop a chai
bull, but Star waved it off with a smug turn of her ]
and a small grunt.
'It sounds so horrible. What did your father
about your changing to a parochial school?" Mi
asked. "Was he for it, too?"
"Like I said, when it came to most things concern
me, my mother was in charge. She told him what
l me to do, of course, ft was aa expense, but he
nodded as usual, glanced at me for a moment,
B»d his paper and continued to read."
"Didn't he care about what you thought and wanted?" Misty followed-Jl^isaoolc my head.
^'Anothet absentee parent," Jade quipped. "Why do
y bother to have children in the first place? What are
, some land of status symbol, something to collect
; a car or a big-screen television set? I'm not going
I have any children unless my husband signs a coal-tract
m blood, swearing to be a concerned parent"
Is "You know you have to get pregnant to have chilli
dren." Star teased with a coy smile. "You know mat
Beans you'll lose your perfectiigure, and you'll throw
y in the morning."
"I know what it is to be pregnant, thank you."
^"Unless you adopt like her parents did," Star said
loading at me.
fc Tes, mat's right," Misty said. *Tt doesn't sound Iflce
y really wanted children. Why did mey adopt you?"
s wondered.
turned and gazed through me window. Angry
ds had reached Brentwood and had drawn a dark
veil over Hie trees, me grass and flowers. Hie
1 was picking up and the tree branches were sway-
They looked like they were all saying, "No, no,

did mey adopt me? If I had asked myself mis
q once, I had asked it a thousand times. My
wouldn't reveal any answers, but I had my own
suspicions, suspicions I had never expressed beVC.ANDSEWS

fine, even to Doctor Marlowe. When I glanced at her, I
thought she was hoping I would now and I thought
maybe this was one reason she wanted me in mis group
therapy.
"I can't imagine, could never imagine my mother
having a baby the normal way," I began. "I have seen
my father kiss her on the forehead and occasionally on
the cheek, but I have never seen mem kiss like people
in love, never on the lips. Mother probably would be
thinking of some contagious disease if he did. Even
when he kissed her on the forehead, she would turn
away and wipe it off with the back of her hand. Sometimes,
he saw her do it; sometimes he didn't"
"Don't they sleep together?'Star asked.
"Not in me same bed," I said. "They always had twin
beds separated by a nightstand. He's not there anymore, of course"
"But even people who don't spend me night in the- same bed can get together long enough to make a]
baby," Jade said. "I have friends whose parents even?
have separate bedrooms."
"What do they do, make a date to have sex?"
askedher.
"I don't know. Maybe," Jade replied, thoughtful for i
moment. She smiled. "Maybe it's more romantic."
"Oh yeah, you're married, but you got to make
date to have sex. That's really romantic."
"Passion should be... unexpected," Misty said wi
dreamy eyes turned toward the ceiling. "You've got
turn toward the man you love and have your eyes me
and men float into each other's aims with music
your heart."
"You're living in your own soap opera" Star told
oar, but not with her usual firmness. She looked like
she hoped she was wrong.
"Maybe, but that's the way it's going to be for me
and the man who loves me," Misty insisted.
Jade drew her lips up in the coiners and shook her
head. Then she turned back to me.
"So you don't think your mother and father had sex?
fa that what you're saying?"
"They had to have had it once," I said.
"What do you mean? You just said they adopted you."
"My father told me there was almost a baby. He was
alone with me one night when I was feeling veiy low,
and he told me the story. He said my mother didn't
^ know she was pregnant or didn't want to know. She
| found out when she had a bad pain in her stomach,
I, went to the bathroom and lost the baby that was in her.
^ She flushed it down the toilet"
fpWf^ Misty said.
|| "She collapsed and be had to help her to bed. She re|
fused to go to a doctor even though she kept bleeding.
father made it sound as if she wanted it to happen.
m the way he described it to me, I don't dunk she
ited to have sex and I mink she was angry it had
pened and she had become pregnant I don't know.
>mis day I can't imagine them making love," I said. I
ess I had a guilty look on my face. Misty widened
r eyes a little and leaned toward me.
r*What7'she whispered.
"Nothing," I said quickly and looked away. My heart
started racing again, beating almost like a wild
; animal in my chest
V C. AJSDSEWS

"Come on. We've told you lots of things we
wouldn't dare tell anyoneelse," she urged.
Too know that's true. Cat." Star said. "We hardly
have a secret left." .
"You can ttust us" Misty said. "Really. Who are we
»talk about someone else, right?" ..,,,;
I looked back at the three of them. They did look
sincere.
My mother's warning returned, but she didn't un- dorstand bow important it was for me to get all this ^
out Look what keeping the ugliness inside her had,
done to her, I thought. I don't want that to happen;
tome.
"After my father had told me the story of me
baby, I would spy on them," I confessed and
added, "I was just very eunous."
"So? What did you see?" Star followed.
"How did you spy on them?" Misty asked.
"All our bedrooms are upstairs, next to each
We have a two-story Spanish colonial with a deck i
ning alongside their bedroom and mine "
"A Monterey-style cantilevered porch, probah
Jade said knowingly. "My father designed a house
mat and I saw the drawings "she explained.
'Thanks for the information," Star said. "I
have lived ten more minutes without it."
'If you don't want to learn anything..."
"Let her talk!" Misty exclaimed, excited and i
for me to continue. "Go ahead. Cat," she urged. °
listening even if they're not."
"Usually, when they were both in their bedroo
would hear some muffled conversation for a few i
s Mri then silence. I couldn't help thinking about it.
_ad read some things, knew some things."
i^So you went out on the porch and peeked in their
Hadow?" Star asked impatiently.
but only a few times;' I added.
li^Bdy' die asked, holding up her aims in anticipation.
|hrfy mother sleeps in a nightgown with a cotton
INwapped around her. Every time I looked in, she
d her back to my father aad be bad h]StW^jjff,f
W saw them embrace each other or touch each other
sven kiss each other. I remember thinking they were
ntwo strangers sharing a room for the night How
Id they ever have made a baby?"
" t wonder they broke up. I'm surprised they were
-em» long as they were," Star said. Misty and
lied.
oar mother had gotten pregnant against her
al want to have sex with your father anymore,
afore, me only way they would ever have any
l was by adopting," Jade concluded.
be someone else had made her pregnant," Star
sod.' . , [
doubt mat," I said. I
your father practically raped her," Misty
"and mat was why she wanted to lose the

t to write soap operas," Star told her.
gged and motioned for me to continue.
Id her father remain married if he had no
"Jade pondered.
there's something wrong with her father
? he's one of those men who can't have sex
V. C. ANDREWS

anymore" Star suggested. "I heard that can happen to a
man. He's impotent or something," she added, insecure
about the word. 1
"No," I said, a little too fast |
"What do you mean, no? How do you know? Have
you seen him with some other woman? Is mat why. they got divorced?" |
That's it, isn't it?" Misty asked, smiling. "Welcome|
to me club"
I looked away again, took a deep breath, and
looked at them and shook my head.
"No, I never saw him with anyone else"
"So men, how can you be so sure?" Star qu
She turned her eyes on me like two tiny knives.
she saw in mine made her eyes widen as she cont
to look at me.
"I know what she's saying" she said almost in
whisper.
They were all staring now, a cold look of realizatx
moving in a wave from one face to me other, and wi
it, an explosion of pity, fear and disgust in their eyes.
It felt like all me blood in my body was rising II
gathering at my throat Suddenly, I couldn't swaUe
but I couldn't breathe either. I guess I was geUi
whiter and whiter. Doctor Mariowe's face erupted a
a look of serious concern. She rose from her chair.
"Let's give Cathy a short break" she sugge
"Come on, honey. I want you to splash your fix
cold water and relax for a few moments."
I felt her helping me to my feet, but I wasn't;
they wouldn't just turn to air and let me rest of me 1
to the floor. Like a sleepwalker, I followed Doctor!
. out to the bathroom and did what she prescribed.
cold water revived me. The blood retreated and I
Id swallow again and breathe.
"Peeling better?" she asked.
^nodded.
6 "You don't have to continue, Cathy. Maybe I'm
snahing you," she suggested.
s' I considered it How comfortable and easy it would
t for me to agree and go home, return to my room and
i to bed. I could pull the blanket up to my chin and
t my eyes and squeeze my legs against my stomach
wait for sleep to open a door into a happy place,
dace where I could just drift, float on warm
»and forget and foiget and forget
; another part of me wanted to come out, to leave
0m and be in the real world again. How would I
r get back to the real world if I just ran home?
fo," I said. "I want to keep trying."
bu sure, honey?" she asked.
xdced at my face in the mirror. It was still a mask.
(tired of looking at it It was time to tear it off and
a chance on what I would find. Would I find a lit-
Bri again? Had all that had happened stopped me
growing up? How silly that would be, a little
face on a body as mature as mine.
would I simply find a shattered face, cracked like
ae piece of thin china, the lines running down from
es where tears had streaked over my cheeks and
Bow long would it take to mend mat face? Would
r be mended so that the cracks would disappear
it took like scars of sadness?
11 pretty? Could I ever be pretty? Did I have a
V C. AJNDKEWS

face that someone could love. under this mask? Could I
ever want to be kissed and touched? Could I dream salt
fantasize like Misty just had and find myself in a romantic
place?
Daddy used to tell me so. He would cup my face in
his hands and kiss the dp of my nose and say I was
blossoming and soon all of my mirrors would reflect
my beauty. When he spoke to me like that, I fete I wasj
in a iairy tale and maybe I could be someone's;
princess. For a long dme, he made me feel nice I was|
his special princess, but because of that had my ability |
to love someone been crushed like a small flower, |
smashed into me earth, fading, fading, dying away like
some distant star given a moment to twinkle before it
fell back into the darkness forever and ever?
No, I didn't want to go home again. I had to
trying.
Til go back," I insisted.
"Okay" Doctor Marlowe said, "bat if you
your mind or have any problems, please don't i
to stop and ask to go home. I don't want to lose all a
progress we've made to date. That can happen if urn
are rushed sometimes," she said. ^
"Rushed?" I laughed and the sound of that laugl
seemed strange even to me. I knew it was strange i
worrisome because Doctor Marlowe didn't smile
grimaced instead.
"Rushed? You know what it's like to look out
car window and see girls my age and younger'
on the sidewalk with their friends and boy
their faces full of joy, their lives full of prot
feel like an animal in a cage. I didn't put myself i
: cage, either. It's not fair. I want to get out. Doctor
dowe."
|g"I know, honey, and I'm going to help you do just

| (I gazed at the bathroom door.
IIThey aH had bad times, too, but they looked so
JOodsed and afraid back there."
nodded.
'iS: "One or two of them might not want to stay, bat
tehow, I think you'll all get through it," she said.
squeezed my hand and I took a deep breath and
ted. "Ready?"
yes. Take me back. I want to focus on all the bad
gsjust like you told me to do, and I want to put all
anger and strength into smashing them to bits for-
rand ever. Will I ever be able to do that?"
ttesmiled.
Harow you will," she said firmly enough to make
feel confident.
walked out and returned to the office. I could see
'had been talking incessantly about me. The ex-
Bons on their faces were so different, me hardness
(from Star, the smugness gone from Jade, and the
Beece gone from Misty. We were doing what Doc-
Nbiiowe had intended: we were changing each
raswe changed ourselves. Like sisters related not
i blood but through adversity and turmoil, we
d around each other and warmed each other
r mutual pain and fear.
ther, we would help each other kill the demons.
i anxious to go on.

?-'- "PeRSonal hygiene, being in charge of my own body,
jawas the most important thing to her. fl was more im||portant
than anything else, school, manners, anything.
gait % was hard when Igot sick. I remember times when
p&ferew up and she made me undress myself, bathe and
; Stress myself even though I was nauseous and had
; bromps. I cried out for her, but she would stand outside
&e door and give me directions, insisting that I learn to
guard and protect myself . To be naked in front of any flee,
even my parents, was to be avoided at all costs."
|^ "That's sick," Jade said. "Why would she make her
awn child ashamed of herself?"
laa*^ mother doesn't think of it that way," I explained. "She thinks you should be ashamed only if
someone else looks upon you. Your body is holy, pre-
|<»ous, very private."
Ifefi'Tfo -wonder your parents rarely had sex," Star mut|teted"' ', ^ ..
E-tt"My mother doesn't even go to the doctor because of
|Ae way she thinks," I revealed. "She's never had a gyaecologist
examine her and she hates taking me to any
IHoctors. Whenever I was sick. she would try aU her
old-fashioned remedies first and take me only if they
failed"
I "Not getting herself regular checkups is so stupid,"
jrjade said. "She could get cancer or something she
caught have prevented/'
u "What does she do when she's so sick that her remedies
don't help?" Misty asked.
^ "I don't remember her ever being very sick. She's
had colds, but she's in good health, I guess, although
lately, she occasionally loses her breath and has to sit
V. C. ANDREWS

for a while almost immediately after she begins to
clean. She says it's because of all that's happened and
in time, it will pass.
"Anyway, I grew up with her ideas rolling around in my head like marbles pounding every time someone
saw an uncovered part of me. It was especially hard in
physical education class, dressing in the locker room. I
never ever took a shower in school, not even in
parochial school where we had individual showers."
"What did you expect would happen if someone saw
you naked?" Star asked.
"I don't know. It just... sent a chill through me
when it happened. I even imagined my mother standing
mere looking upset"
"You're going to grow up like her, a weirdo," Stiff
I, threatened. . - ^.
"No, she won't," Doctor Marlowe insisted. She
turned to Star. "None of you will be weird."
"You mean weirder, don't you?" Jade said. 'It's already
too late to stop weird."
They all laughed. I felt a little better, stronger. I can
do this, I chanted, trying to encourage myself. I can. I
must face me demons and destroy them or Star will be
right
I paused, looked down, thought about how I would
continue and then looked up at mem. ^
"My father didn't have the same ideas about it all" 11
said, "although he behaved in the same way he did with i
everything else, which means he didn't argue with my I
mother about it Right from the beginning, he pretend1
ed it was going to be our little secret, our special se»|
cret"
"What was?" Misty said almost before the wwds
were oat of my mouth. Shegrimucod with oonftujon.
"Give her a chance," Jade chastised.
"Yeah, stop rushing her," Star ordered.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry"
- It struck me funny how they were all becoming as
protective as Doctor Marlowe.
- "It's all right. I know it's hard to understand," I said,
offering Misty a small smile. "I already told you that
my father didn't have much to do with raising me. I
rarely went anywhere with him without my mother
along. He almost never attended any program at school
^ mat I participated in. He always went to bed early because
he was up for the stock market so early. We
didn't spend all that much time together in me evening.
By the time we finished dinner and I did my homework,
he was often on his way to bed. That was the
iKiutme year round."
"Didn't you ever go on a family trip or a vacation?"
Jade asked.
a "No, not really. A day's travel was it My mother
doesn't like to sleep in a strange bed. She says hotel
| rooms are never cleaned well enough and you're al|:.
ways sleeping in someone else's dirt
"I recall a few times when my father went some?
where by himself, but my mother didn't seem to mind
that. Then, mere was a time when he took me "I said,
I» They all looked like they were holding their breath,
but I wasn't ready to talk about that yet I closed my
eyes. It looked like red webs were spun on the underide
of my eyelids.
i "When I was little and left on my own to bathe and
V. C. ANDREWS

dress myself, my father would sometimes appear. That
was the secret. He made it clear that I shouldn't tell my
mother. We both knew she wouldn't like it and my father
said we shouldn't make her unhappy. She works
too hard for both of us, he explained.
"She didn't see him go into your room?" Misty
asked.
"She was usually downstairs preparing breakfast or
dinner or cleaning up at the time. Mother has always
beea so precise about what she does. She keeps to her
schedule no matter what," I explained. 1 almost know
to me minute where she'll be and what she'll be doing.
Being organized makes her comfortable.
"Even though it is so long ago, I can clearly remember
the first time my daddy came into my bathroom. I
was already in me tub. I didn't hear him enter the bedroom.
I wink he must have been practically tiptoeing.
He gazed in at me and smiled and asked me if I was all
right
"I nodded and he felt (he water, dipped his right
forefinger in like a thermometer and wiggled it in the
air, that birthmark bright.
" 'Good,' he said with a big smile, 'it's not too
hot.'
"He brushed his hand over my hair and men knelt
beside the tub and asked me to show him how I washed
myself.
"I was always eager for him to pay more attention to
me. I wanted him to hold me and hug me and kiss me.
He was my daddy and I looked to him often, anticipating
some warm words, some gentle touch, some loving
smile. That was all so rare in my house, so when he did
CAT

this, I was very happy. I mean, that's why I wasn't
afraid or..."
"You don't have to do that" Doctor Mariowe said
softly. They an turned to her, but she didn't explain.
She didn't have to explain it to me. I knew what she
meant She wanted me to stop blaming myself, stop
making excuses. I nodded. When I turned back to me
gills, they looked even more intrigued.
'"I know your mother has taught you how important
it is to be clean all over,' he said. 'Go on. Let me see
how you do it'
"You can't imagine how excited I was to perform for
him. I scrubbed my elbows and my little legs. I washed
my neck vigorously, especially behind my ears, and
then I stood up and washed between my legs and behind.

"He laughed and clapped and men he left and I felt
so happy about it, but when I saw him later, he looked
at my mother and then back to me and winked. In front
of her he tried not to act so interested in me. He practically
ignored me. When I tried to cuddle up beside him
on the sofia, he told me I should go to sleep and I remember
feeling as if I had been slapped even though
he merely lifted his eyes and shook his head. Then he
went back to what he was reading.
"The only time he really showed interest in me,
smiled and laughed and touched me lovingly was when
he visited me in the bathroom while I took my bath and
mat was only occasionally at best
"Until...**
"What?" Misty practically jumped to ask.
"Thebumps."

68
V. C. ANDREWS

"Bumps?"
"She means until her breasts started to form," Jade
said with narrow, sharp eyes. She glanced at Star who
nodded and men turned back to me. "Right?"
"Yes," I said. My eyes burned with tears that welled
behind my lids. I swallowed back the small scream that
wanted so much to come rushing out of my mouth.
"Yes," I whispered, not even sure if I had said it.
"(Mi," Misty said, her lips in a small circle, her eyes
bright with understanding, but shock as well.
"I don't know how it was for the rest of you, but when
it began to happen to me, I was frightened. I told my
mother about it and she told me to stop talking nonsense.
" 'It's not nonsense. Mother. It's really happening to
me!'I protested one morning at breakfast
"My father put down his paper and looked at me
with surprise, too, but he didn't say anything to help
me. He just looked a little interested and then he went
back to his paper.
" 'You're too young for such a thing,' my mother
said throwing me a hard look. 'Girls today rush every'
thing. You're imagining it.'
" 'No, I'm not,' I cried, tears now building in my
eyes. TO show you.'
"I started to unbutton my blouse and she screamed
so loud and shrilly, I felt like she had sent a lightning
bolt through my body. I remember I literally froze, terrified
of even moving my fingers.
" lake it easy, Geraldine,' my father said. 'She
doesn't understand.'
"I guess she realized how dramatic and horrifying
she was. She became calmer and lectured mesoftly.
" 'We don't disrobe in any other room of the house
but our bedrooms and our bathrooms,'she explained.
:- " 'I'll go up to my bathroom to show you,' I offered.
" 'This isn't the time for that. It's breakfast tune and
l^au're off to school. Put this nonsense out of your
; mind,'she insisted.
t- "I gazed at my father, hoping he would speak up
i <gain, but he just shook his head at me and went back
^sto what he was reading.
fe'tflttiedto bring it up again with my mother when I
j returned from school, but again, she refused to listen.

"Rley make sex such a big thing on television and
|in movies and books today that it infects children,' she
tawated. She could step up on a soapbox at a moment's
nnotice and deliver a speech about me disgusting im& morality alive in the worid-She didn't accidentally use
^imewoni 'infects,'by me way. My mother thinks of it
|tas a disease, almost something you can catch by
^learning near promiscuous people. She bad me mink-
mat way. I remember holding my bream or cover-
ting my mouth when classmates said or did things I
ibbcw my mother would disapprove of."
&A11 three girls had their mouths slightly open, their
i wide as they listened and gazed at me with astonoent. ^.-'1. . : ." . .'. . ' ..
I know how stupid mat sounds now, but that's the
'Ithought.
3 "Anyway, a few nights later, I heard Daddy enter my
mom and come to me door of my bathroom while I
.taking my barn. As I told you before, I was about
years old at me time which was why I was ner-
V C. AKDKEWS

vow and confused. My body seemed to be racing
ahead. Maybe I was freakish.
" 'So what's this you've been trying to tell your
mother?'he asked as he approached.
"I sat up to show him and he nodded. He studied me
like a doctor for a moment and men be pressed my
chest softly with those spider leg fingers.
"'Looks like you're right,'he said nodding and smiling.
Til speak to your mother about it Don't be
afraid,' he told me. 'It's earlier than most girls, but it's
nothing bad, nothing to be afraid to see happening.'
"He spoke so gently, so kindly, I felt relieved. Why
couldn't my mother be this kind, this concerned and
loving? I wondered.
" 'I can tell you're going to be a very pretty giri, a
special girl,' he continued. 'Daddy's special girl,' he
added. He had never said that to me before. I was very
happy about it If mis would make him love me even
more, I thought then it must be good.
"A little less than a week afterward, my mother came to my bedroom door while I was doing homework. She
entered and closed it behind her.
" 'All right,' she said stretching and tightening her
Hps until they were two pale red thin lines over her
chin,'let me see what you're talking about*
"I just imagined my father had done what he haft
promised and spoken to her about it No longer afraid
or ashamed, I got up and unbuttoned my blouse to
show her. She looked at me, but unlike my father, she
looked disgusted by it She had such an unpleasant expression on her face, I thought there really was something
wrong with me. .}
- "'Is it all right?' I asked her; my voice shaking with
•4ome panic.
" 'No; she said. 'It's far too soon. I don't like how it
shows under your blouse either. I'll get something
proper for you to wear tomorrow,'she promised, turned
and left me standing mere feeling hideous.
"The next day she bought me a sports bra, but my
development continued at an accelerated pace. By me
time the school year ended, I had a distinct bosom. I
even had cleavage," I said.
"That's so unfair," Misty moaned. "My mother wants
to buy me a Wonder Bra and here you had cleavage in
ttefifmgradel"
"Despite my development, my mother fought buying
me a regular bra. I complained about me sports bra and
she replaced it with a little bigger size, but it still
pinched and squeezed. It was such a relief to get un
dressed every night
"My mother wouldn't listen to any complaints. She
told me to work on putting my mind off it If I told her
about a tingle or a feeling I could describe only as a
^dde, she would turn crimson and scream at me for
||BOt keeping such thoughts buried in my mind. Once,
jahe even slapped me because I mentioned it in front of
jjmy father. Then she pulled me aside and said. There
jaae things decent women don't mention in front of
anen, ever. Hear?'
^ "Men? I thought My father was a man, of course,
: I didn't lump him in with other men. I remember
ing so strange about the way she had referred to
, Almost as if he were me enemy. We had to hide
i from him, too, just because he was a man. What
V. C. ANDKEWS

would happen if she knew my daddy's and my secret? I
wondered. Daddy looked worried for a moment and
men smiled when he realized I had kept it our little secret. . . , .
"Of course, I nodded after everything my mother
told me and I tried to behave as she wanted me to behave,
but I couldn't help overhearing classmates talking
about sexual things from time to time. I had so many
questions to ask, so many worries. I tried reading about
it, but if my mother found any books or any pamphlets
in the house, she would throw (hem in the garbage,
even if they were library books and I had to pay for
mem. She declared they shouldn't be in a school library
anyway, especially a parochial school.
"Once, I tried biding a book fossa her. That was
when I discovered my mother went through my room
daily, searching everywhere for lascivious material,
even under me mattress," I said.
"It sounds like you live in a prison, not a home,"
Jade said.
"I've felt mat way, yes," I admitted.
"My room is my world. Neither of my parents
dare to invade it," she said. "We're people, too, d
our ages. It's stupid to think (hat just because we''
under eighteen, we're some kind of lesser creature."
"Right," Misty said nodding.
"ft bothered me along with so many other thing;
was more emotional than ever. Sometimes, I would j
lay in bed and cry. I had no specific reason for it 1)
would suddenly build and flow and I would shuc
andsob.Ifmy mother heard as she passed by my 10
she ignored it Intimate talk not only embarrassed 3
it disgusted her. I felt so lost and confused. It made
everything harder."
"What about your father?" Star asked. "After all, he
told you that you were his special little girl, right?"
"My father was very busy at the time. He had moved
4o another brokerage house and was establishing himself
and me clients he had brought over with him.
"Everything about our lives was loutfne then. One
day seemed no different from the next, even the weekends
blended into the week. AU my premature development
didwas make me feel lonelier man ever I truly
did think of myself as being freakish and I tried to stop
flunking about it I tried to do what my mother wanted,
hut I was like a rubber band being stretched and
stretched until I was about to snap."
|?te "Didn't you have any friends to talk with?" Misty
listed. '- . "I
was terrified of personal talk and the other girls
;w it. Most of the time, they teased me. Every time
of them brought up a topic related to sex or boys, I
; my ears shut and my body tighten. I usually would
. an excuse to leave. I guess by my own behavior I
1 to the image of being freakish and weird. No one
'wanted me as a friend.
on't think I didn't feel terrible about it Other girls
t to each other's homes. There were parties, none
INch I was invited to. I rarely went to the movies. I
SSs^l was standing on the other side of a wall, a
t wall, looking in at the rest of me world.
ae night I sat in my tub and sobbed so hard I
ad waves. Mother was downstairs doing needle£ heard my bedroom door open and close and
V.C.ANDREWS

moments later, there was Daddy looking in at me. He
smiled.
« 'What's all this? Why axe you crying, Cathy?' he
asked.
"I shook my head. I couldn't explain it to myself.
How could I explain it to him or anyone else for that
matter?
"He saw the redness around my bosom and under
my arms and looked concerned.
"'What's this?'he asked.'What is it, a rash?'He approached
me tub and knelt down to look closer.
" 'No; I told him. 'It's from the sports bras Mother
makes me wear:'
" 'This isn't good,' he said with concern. 'My poor
special little girl;
"He rose and went to die bathroom cabinet and men
he returned with some cold cream. First, he rubbed
around my bosom, and under my arms with a towel,
drying the skin. Then he told me to just sit back and
relax as he dabbed the cold cream on and gently spread
it over my chest
" 'Good,' he whispered. That's good. It feels better,
doesn't it?' he asked as he moved those long, spidery
fingers around, under and over my bosom.
"It did feel better. When I opened my eyes, he was
looking down at me with such a blight hot look in his
eyes, I was both frightened and confiised for a moment.
Then he spoke softly again and promised to talk to my
mother about me terrible dung the sports bras were
doing.
"He leaned over and kissed me softly on the fore"
head. m my house, kisses were as rare as exotic birds.
CAT

Every one I received, I cherished in my heart, I hoarded!
like a jewel in my treasure chest of affection, ft had ai
long way to go to be filled.
"Anyway, if my father did speak to my mother about
the problem with the sports bras, she never acknowledged
it. She didn't ask or come to look. I continued to
complain and on each occasion she told me what she
always told me. It wasn't the proper time for me to
wear anything else. If I did, it would just emphasize my
awkward development and draw looks and comments
that would upset and embarrass me.
"Finally, I rebelled and refused to wear the tight exercise
bra. When she saw I was going to attend school with
only a blouse covering my bosom, she relented and
bought me a regular bra, but I seemed to outgrow diem
as fast as she bought them and that displeased her.
"Once, she even considered bringing me to a doctor
and you already know how desperate she would have to
be before she would think about doing it
" 'Maybe there is something terribly wrong with
your hormones,' she considered. That frightened me
again. She made it sound like I might grow so big, I'd
be in a circus. I tried to find something in the library
mat would explain it or tell me how to slow it down.
"In the seventh grade, we had a unit on sex education,
but it was so vague and general, I didn't feel I had
learned anything significant about myself. Sister Anne
wouldn't permit specific questions or any question that
she termed out of line. I learned more just listening to die girls talk in the locker room and bathroom, but
never enough to put myself at ease.
"The only time I felt like I wasn't a freak was when
V C. ANDKEWS

Daddy came m to see me. He told me be wanted to
check to be sure the rash hadn't returned ami he
^t»i^L'^w.A.^ ^a^ o^^e. OBHBa-^afc Aro^

"Once, after I finished my barn, he asked me to lay
face down on the bed and he rubbed in body oil he said
would make my skin softer. He put it everywhere.
When I giggled because he tickled, he told me to hold
my bream instead. He didn't want my mother hearing
and learning our little secret"
I stopped and took a bream. I had been talking
quickly because I felt if I took too long, I would stop
and not be able to start again.
Just at mat moment, we heard a tray of glasses tinkling
and moments later, Emma, Doctor Marlowe's sister, appeared
in the office doorway, carrying her usual tray of
glasses, pitcher of lemonade and some cookies. Today
she wore a pretty pead white blouse with a lace collar
and an ankle-length dark blue skirt. She had some makeup
on, too, and her hair was brushed and neatly pinned.
"Good morning, everyone," she said. "Sorry I wasn't
here to greet you, but I had a nasty time m the dentist's
office. Fmgoing to have to have a root canal, I'm
afraid," she said with a sad face. Then, she quickly
smiled. "But it's not the end of the worid."
The giris all staled up at her and I knew what they
were Blinking. Emma had a bosom nearly twice as big
as mine. I knew all die jokes like 'They're so big they
arrive in a room ten minutes before her.' I bad heard
boys say these things about me. Was this what I would
look like someday?
She put me tray on me table and stepped back.
CAT

"Do you need anything else. Doctor Marlowe?" she
asked her sister.
"^'iBM^yaa^catSKsar
**^l(e^ ^*«ULyja..^CTte> ^B»BC9 'tea -monang, ftesplte
the nasty weather. I'll see about the lunch," she added,
suddenly made nervous by our silence. She glanced at
Doctor Marlowe and then hurried away.
"Dig in, girls," Doctor Marlowe said, rising. "I just
want to make one phone call during our break."
She smiled at me, rose and went to her desk. Star
poured herself a glass of lemonade and Misty took a
cookie. Then she offered me one. I shook my head.
'I'll just have some lemonade," I said.
"Why is your mother so upright?" Star asked. I'm
sure even she was afraid to ask me any more questions
I' about my father.
"Something must have happened in her childhood,"
Jade ventured. "Maybe... she was raped when she
was a little girl," she suggested with big, teacup saucer
eyes. "Was she raped?"
"I don't know," I said. "If she was, she would never
tell me. She never has told me anything about the baby
she lost I already explained how she feels about even
j& making a reference to things like that"
"She needs a therapist more man you do, or any of
us do," Jade said.
"She had her visit with Doctor Marlowe, just like
your parents, but she doesn't believe in therapy. She almost
didn't bring me here today."
"Right, don't air your dirty laundry or something,"
Star said.
I smiled and nodded.
VC.ANDSEWS

"Cat, you need some friends, and some help."
"Maybe we can be hex friends," Misty suggested.
"Us? We're here because we're screwed up, too,
aren't we? That's the blind leading the blind," Star said.
"She needs normal friends."
"I'm normal," Jade said indignantly. "Just as normal
as most anyone out there. Maybe even more normal."
Star lifted her eyebrows.
"We heard your story; don't try to convince us
you're more normal." Before Jade could respond, she
added, "And you heard ours. Let's not pretend we don't
have problems or excess baggage, okay?"
"We can still be her friends," Jade insisted.
"Maybe she doesn't want us to be her friends " She
put her hauls on her hips. "You just keep sticking your
^d^u^^toowxy^^^^te^BBBft^Klf

these sessions? You don't know an about me. You don't
know enough to pass judgment on me or anyone.
You're the one who's being arrogant" v|
"Right You're always right," Star quipped. She;
turned to me. "Well, you heard us talk about our prob-1
terns. Do you want anyone here to be your friend?" i|
"Yes^ I admitted. "I would like that" ^l
Jade bit into a cookie and looked gleefully happy.
Star rolled her eyes. .
"Maybe you're just a lost cause. Maybe we all are.
What did you call us. Misty, Orphans With Parents?1 '
Star asked her.
"That's right"
"Okay," Star said. "I nominate Jade here to be ]
dent of the OWP"
"I second it," Misty said langjtung.
^Who says I want to be president?" Jade quipped.
"You want to be the standout everywhere you go. It
doesn't take a genius to see that."
Jade stared at her for a moment and then nodded.
"Okay, I accept. I'm the president," she said.
"Wait, we have to vote. All in favor raise your hand."
Wealldid.
"Done," Star said. "We're the OWP's and Jade is the
president."
r Everyone laughed as Doctor Marlowe returned. She
| gazed down at us and smiled.
| "Did I miss something important?" she asked.
| "Just an election," Star said.
I Doctor Marlowe's VxiLci. <aaaSs^Ba^-«Afc-w. »

||| 1 can do mis, I kept thinking. I drank some more
^lemonade. I can do it.

V C.ANDKEWS

"Cat, you need some friends, and some help."
"Maybe we can be her friends," Misty suggested.
"Us? We're here because we're screwed up, too,
aren't we? That's the blind leading the blind,'' Star said.
"She needs normal friends." ,
"I'm normal," Jade said indignantly. "Just as normal
as most anyone out there. Maybe even more normal." n
Star lifted her eyebrows. 1
"We heard your story; don't try to convince us
you're more normal." Before Jade could respond, she |
added, "And you heard ours. Let's not pretend we dont;
have problems or excess baggage, okay?" ^|
"We can still be her friends," Jade insisted. |
"Maybe she doesn't want us to be her friends" She|
put her hands on her hips. "You just keep sticking yowl
rich nose into everyone's life all me time, I bet"
"You think you know all about me just because
these sessions? You don't know all about me. You <
know enough to pass judgment on me or an]
You're the one who's being arrogant"
"Right You're always right," Star quipped.
turned to me. "Well, you heard us talk about our p
lems. Do you want anyone here to be your friend?"
"Yes." I admitted. 1 would like that."
Jade bit into a cookie and looked gleefully
Star rolled her eyes.
"Maybe you're just a tost cause. Maybe we all;
What did you call us. Misty, Orphans With
Star asked her.
"That's right"
"Okay" Star said. "I nominate Jade here to be;
dent of the OWP."

When I was in the eighth grade, something terrible
happened to me" I continued after everyone had had
her lemonade and sat back again. I glanced at Doctor
Mariowe. She hadn't given me or anyone else here any
instructions about what to tell and what not to tell. She
looked like she wasn't sure herself what we might say
and was just as interested in finding out
"I suppose now when I look back, it wasn't as her'
rible as I had thought, but at the time... It took a
while before I could talk about this after it had happened,"
I continued. "I kept it a secret from my parents,
and actually, I still haven't told my mother
about it. I knew she would find a way somehow to^
blame me, and I was afraid that if I told my father, he-
might tell her even accidentally, so I swallowed it|
down like bitter medicine and kept it inside
though it came up like rotten eggs almost every i
leaving me in a cold sweat and bringing me to tears
of ice."
No one spoke. They hardly breamed, it was so quiet
for a moment, we could hear me sound of leaf-blowers
blocks away as gardeners worked behind the high walls
of expensive homes. The dull, monotonous sound of
their engines seemed to be the proper sound track behind
a gray, heavily overcast day.
"What was it already?" Misty blurted. I saw Jade
kick her and she sat back, biting down on her lip.
^"Whenever I was lucky enough to have someone at
school try to be friends with me, my mother usually
found a way to stop it She had watched some guest
a talk show discussing the problems with young
)ple in today's society and she agreed with the con-
sion that it was all happening because young peo- were a bigger influence on each other than their
sate.
* 'Peer pressure is stronger man family/she declared
if it was a major new discovery. It was practically
(Only time I beard her lead a discussion at dinner.
f was so excited about me conclusion, she couldn't
'talking about it to my father, who looked bored,
litely listened and as usual, agreed.
fer that, whenever I mentioned another gill at
, my mother put me through a cross-examination
Mbiy was more severe man a cross-examinaing
the Spanish Inquisition." I laughed. "I re- watching those court shows on television
es and imagining my mother in me courtroom,
ing the defendants, drilling them with biting
s as she fixed her eyes on their faces, aatelriftg
V. C. ANDREWS

every tiny revealing movement in their Kps or m the
way they shifted their gazes.
"You don't lie to my mother. That's one thing you
don't do," I saidalmost proudly.
"You've got to be able to He to yew parents some-,

Misty nocfcfcrf vigomosfy. cade'sng6t. ^sSeder^
them and better for you. What they don't know, won't
hurt them"
'It was just the opposite with my momer," Star saidj|
"She wouldn't know the truth if she tripped over it. Shej
was more comfortable with lies." |
"Did you lie about something or just not tell the I
whole troth?" Misty asked me. She smiled. "That's the
way I get around things sometimes." I
"I guess I did a combination of both," I said. "Butt
not in me beginning. I was too nervous and afraid to do
that As I said, all I had to do was mention a girl's
'name and my mother would stop whatever she was
doing and turn on me. '
" 'Where were you with her? What did she say ex.|
actty? What did she mean by mat? Who are her parents?
Where does she live? What does she look like?'
"She would ask her questions in shotgun fashion
shaking her head and spitting out another before I had i
chance to answer the one before. The more I didn
know about the girl, the worse It was. Usually, d
would end by forbidding me to talk to her again and E
have to remember to never mention that girl's name."a
Jade spun angrily -on Doctor Marlowe.
"How can you let her continue to live with
monster? She hits her. She won't let her make
CAT

She treats her like she's something duty. Why don't
l^ou tell the authorities?"
Doctor Mariowe closed her eyes softly and opened
them with a gentle smile.
^ "Catby has a great deal mess to say and you should
y^ it ^ he6w ^ csw to ^ es^omm jmjs ^
yvmjalbttiSsvc&ed it any other way, would you?"
Kl- Jade turned back to me, still fuming, her arms
^(lapped tightly around herself, her eyes bright with

^s^YbBrmottier's a Nari^'sbe muttered.
' I didn't lau^i or reply. I waited for a surge of nausea
to pass and men I took a breath and continued.
|& "Theie was mis girl. Kelly Sullivan, whose father
works for die church in some administrative capacity. I
think he manages properties or something. Her mother
is in a wheelchair. She has multiple sclerosis. They live
[in a nice, ranch-style house only about ten minutes by
carfromus.
"Kelly has beautiful green eyes and apricot red hair.
She's a tot smaller than me, slimmer, I should say, bat
most giris who were my age in the eighth grade were.
phe hated her 6eckte& IneiB weie patches of them gd
i check and even on the bottom of her chin, but she
a pretty face. She thought her freckles made her
like a freak and of course, I had my problem. Hals
were like my mother in that they didn't want
to wear any makeup, not even lipstick. I actually
tit she and I had a lot in common and for a while,
hopes that she would be a real best friend. We
talked in the cafeteria and we shared three class- had other friends, but she didn't seem to me to
V. C. ANDREWS

be that popular. She was shy in school and when
met my mother, she was so sweet and polite, my mothN
er looked at her with such approval and pleasure, I wasf
actually jealous. ^
"I mean, Kelly had almost no figure yet, which my
mother thought was good and normal, and Kelly was
full of please's and thank you*s, just the recipe for the
kind of little girl my mother wanted. I had been talking
about her enough for my mother to finally consent
to my bringing her home with me one afternoon. I was
afraid to, afraid that once Kelly met my mother and
had my mother grill her with questions, she would
never want to talk to me again, but I liked Kelly and
wanted her for a friend and knew if I didn't have
Mother's approval. I couldn't I was very nervowl
aboutit. ' ' . : ,^s|
"However, as I said, to my surprise Mother liked
even more than I had hoped she would; She seen
pleased that Kelly's mother was an invalid and she especially pleased that her father was working for
church.
"Even so, my mother was very cautious and bsssH
about my going to Kelly's house to study for tests 4
gether. The first time, she permitted me to go for d
two hours and after exactly two hours, she was in
driveway waiting. I knew as soon as I got into the <
she would question me about every moment I
with Kelly.
"We did study some, but we also listened to a
and talked to other girls and some "boys on the p
Kelly's mother was a sweet pleasant woman aad XI
vied Kelly for the trusting and loving relationship
LI almost wished my mother was in a wheelchair.
ybe if she was seriously ill, she would be a more
ing mother, I thought, and men I hated myself for
lang such a terrible ming."
I Jade grunted and men agreed, "Maybe she wouldn't
9 so mean if she had to depend on you."
is "Yeah," Star said. I didn't want to discuss such a
ifting. I still felt guilty for even thinking it
s. ^Kelly's father was very nice, too, and I could see
few much he loved and cherished Kelly's mother," I
continued instead.
.kg "Anyway, I guess because I had gone to Kelly's
vise a few times and nothing horrible had happened,
'mother was a little less concerned when I asked if I
Id go to dinner there one Friday night"
paused and then added for Misty's benefit, "It
»'t the whole truth. I mean, we were going to eat,
t wasn't really a dinner, We were going to have
land Kelly had invited two other gills and some
* ' .
> it was a party," Misty said.
yaess. I had never been to a party at someone's
^ao I didn't know what to call it Kelly didn't tell
the details right away. In fact, I didn't even know
fs were coming until that afternoon in school It
ny heart race with fear. I was terrified that my
•would find out somehow. Maybe when she
me there, the boys would just be arriving or
she would take one look at my face and that lie
ar in her head would ring. I tried to avoid her as
[got home, bat she called me downstairs to re-
t of rules for my behavior.
VC.ANDSEWS

"I sat with my hands folded in my lap as she stood
before me in the living room. My father wasn't home
from work yet Sometimes, he stopped at a tavern with
some of his stockbroker associates and celebrated or
mourned the day's results in the market
" 'We don't say grace before we eat every night,' my
mother began, 'but we should. It's your father's fault,
not nm». Anyway, don't look stupid about it and don't |
let them know we don't It's no one's business. Bow-1
your head and make sure you pronounce your amen|
loud and clear, understand?' she asked me.
" 'Yes, Mother,' I said eying the door and trying:
to look guilty of anything.
" 'Don't stare at her mother in the wheelchair.'
" 'I wouldn't do that. Mother.'
" 'We don't adhere to proper dinner etiquette <
not that I permit you to be sloppy or impolite at
table. It's just that your father never cared for fon
dining. I have everything set up in the dining room,' i
told me. 'Now get up and follow me.'
1 did and I was surprised at the lengths she!
gone to in order to give me instructions. She h
book of dining etiquette out and open. She had 1
oat every piece of silverware we owned, and our^
china with her nicest linen dinner napkins.
" 'Sit,* she ordered, pointing at my place. Th
picked np the book and held it uke a Bible in hf
palms. She even sounded like some kind of
Scooolteachex.

farthest from the plate. The salad fork is placed n

the left of (he plate, then the meat fort, which (hey
might not have out, being this is Friday night, and then
the fish fork which wiU be used first. Just to the right of
the plate is the salad knife, next is the meat knife,
which again, might not be there, and on the outside is
the fish knife. Outside (he knives are the soup spoon
r^ad, if (hey have it, (he fruit spoon. Dessert fada and
js^poons should be brought in on me dessert plate, bat
Jabey might have ft out already I don't know how for-
Moai they are, of course. You know what the butter plate
i is and how it's there for your bread. Remember not to
e your elbows cm the table or slurp your soup or talk
h food in your mouth. Any questions?'
"No, Mother,' I said. I was dying inside, knowing
t<U we actually were going to do was open a few
of pizza and probably slap me pieces on paper
, and open bottles of soda. Now I was even more
id of her learning me Hum. She might accuse me
dog a big fool out of her.
/ teem were practically chattering when it was
» &r her to take me over to Kelly's house. I was
she might go in with me, but my mother, fortu-
, is shy herself, and just let me get out of the car.
I me when it's time to come home and remem- I't overstay your welcome, Cathy. Oh, wipe
uth after every bite and always say please and
tyou when you're passed anything at the table.
c unless you're asked & question,'

;>}--irinri ti iii^CTfeL^CTn'L^
fcteor, praying no one else would arrive be
pulled away. No one did because they
V. C. AJNDSEWS

"I sat with my hands folded in my lap as sbs stood
before me in the living room. My father wasn't home
from work yet Sometimes, he stopped at a tavern with
some of his stockbroker associates and celebrated or
mourned the day's results in the market
" 'We don't say grace before we eat every night* my
mother began, 'but we should. It's your father's fault
not mine. Anyway, don't look stupid about it and don't
let them know we don't It's no one's business. Bow
your head and make sure you pronounce your amen
loud and clear, understand?'she asked me.
" 'Yes, Mother,' I said eying the door and trying not
to look guilty of anything.
" 'Don't stare at her mother in me wheelchair.'
"'I wouldn't do mat Mother.'
" 'We don't adhere to proper dinner etiquette either,
not that I permit you to be sloppy or impolite at the
table. It's just that your father never cared for formal
dining. I have everything set up in me dining room,' she
told me. 'Now get up and follow me.'
"I did and I was surprised at the lengths she had
gone to in aider to give me instructions. She had a
book of dining etiquette out and open. She had taken
out every piece of silverware we owned, and our finest
china with her nicest linen dinner napkins.
" 'Sif she ordered, pointing at my place. Then she picked up me book and held it like a Bible in her open
palms. She even sounded like some kind of Sunday
School teacher.
" 'You should know that the silverware is placed in
tihe older of its use, with we implements to be used first
farthest from the plate. The sated fork is placed next to
CAT

the left of the plate, then the meat teak, which they
might not have out, being this is Friday night, and then
the fish fork which will be used first Just to the right of
the plate is the salad knife, next is the meat knife,
which again, might not be mere, and on the outside is
the fish knife. Outside the knives are me soup spoon
and, if (hey have it, (he fruit spoon. Dessert folks and
spoons should be brought in on the dessert plate, bat
they might have 8: out already. I don't know how formal
they are, of course. You know what the butter plate
is and how it's there for your bread. Remember not to
put your elbows on the table or slurp your soup or talk
with food in your mouth. Any questions?'
" 'No. Mother; I said. I was dying inside, knowing
that all we actually were going to do was open a few
boxes of pizza and probably slap the pieces on paper
plates, and open bottles of soda. Now I was even more
terrified of her learning the truth. She might accuse me
of making a big fool out of her.
"My teeth were practically chattering when it was
time for her to take me over to Kelly's house. I was
afraid she might go in with me, bat my mother, fortunately,
is shy herself, and just let me get out of me car.
"'Call me when it's tfme to come home and remember,
don't overstay your welcome, Cathy. Oh, wipe
your mouth after every bite and always say please and
thank you when you're passed anything at the table.
Don't speak unless you're asked a question,' she
warned.
"'Okay,'I muttered with my head down and hurried
to the front door, praying no one else would arrive before my mother pulled away. No one did because they
V.C.ANDSEWS

wvac ahcady sa t&e lioasc. I (Sehf taw SuBf^s j,
ents weren't home. Her father had taken her mother d
todinner.
"In fact, when Kelly opened the door for me, music was so loud, I was afraid it might spill out,
leach my mother's car even as she drove away.
"I was a little shocked. It was as if Kelly had be
a different person. She was wearing a blouse tied i
waist instead of buttoned so some uncovered
showed, and a pair of jeans with no shoes or
Here I was dressed in my best outfit
u 'She's beset' Kefly screamed and toe others came
out of her room.
"I guess I was standing there with my mourn fallen
open. Everyone laughed at me and how formally I was
dressed. Everyone else was in jeans and T-shirts. I|
didn't know me boys, of course, and they were quickly|
introduced. I was too nervous to pay much attention to J
their full names. Michael was a tall, dark boy with light
brown hair and brown eyes. Tony was ashorter boy,
stout, with very light brown hair and very nice blue
eyes, and Franlde was a rather heavy boy with black
hair and dark eyes. Talia Morris was mere and so
JiH Bwwstw, gals I knew from school, bat not v
well. I found out that Tony was Jill's older brother a
he had brought his friends. Tony, Frankie and Mien
attended public school.
"My second shock came when I discovered that i
cups they held in (heir hands were not filled with.
Coke. Tony had brought a bottle of rum. A cup '
thrust at me immediately, and I held it like I we
hold a loaded pistol when I was told what was in it.
'yd dmf tWs,'Itvkt tisesa. ^lymot6eem
Bit on me immediately.' ;;
Don't worry about that. You chew some fWts
tevwim mouthwash. We're veiy experienced; <w
tas,' Tony assured me. 'We even drink it at schc
tefiBnes,' he added, laughing. 'Cameon, jaalP^
^ He practically forced me to sip the drak.
'(taste the rum, but I know it was in there b>
e it wasn't too long before 1 felt myself glow ligjU
led and a little dizzy.
INS guess I was fascinated by it all. Hie boys had;
'saaay outrageous stories to tell about life at 4m
school. Compared to ours, it sounded exciting to -41
ftere every day. I sat back on Kelly's bed and listemi
and watched as they played music, smoked, drao
.some more rum and Coke, always filling my cup i.
1 Well. We devoured the pizza when it was delivered..
jaaughed a lot and for a while, I felt so happy and goon
^especially enjoyed the giris' conversation when the
made fun of the sisters and our life in me parochhi
Kbool. For me this was like being in another country.
ffas shocked by some of the things said, of course, go
[tried not to show it
"Idato'twaat to smoke, bat they were all doing itE
I it seemed impossible not to do something everyone;
was doing. Vaguely. I thought, my mother was
[about peer pressure. It is me strongest dung, but I
«k that idea out of my head or to be more honest,
unim drowned it.
|*%Qmething happened in that confused brain of
>. Suddenly, everyone looked so silly to me. I start- »laugh at the way Michael rolled his eyes after sipV C. ANDREWS

ping his drink and puffing his cigarette, taking such
care to look cool and sophisticated about it. He raised
his eyebrows into question marks and looked at me,
and then I laughed again and it felt like a dam had broken.
I couldn't stop giggling. That struck them funny
and they laughed too, which only made me laugh harder
until tears began to stream down my face. ;
"Frankie suddenly sat beside me and slipped his aim
around my shoulders.
" 'I better hold her before she breaks apart She's jiggling
too much!'be cried and they all roared. It seemed
no one could stop the roller coaster. He held me tighter
and tighter and soon I could see the faces of me other
two boys change a little. They stopped laughing and
suddenly looked intensely interested in me. KeUy,|
Talia, and Jfll drew closer to each other and watched, f
whispering. What were they all looking at? I wondered, |
and then gazed down and saw that Frankie had his hand|
in my douse. One of me buttons of my blouse ha&
come undone and he was undoing another and anomec.
"For a monaent even I was confused about in
his fingers lifted me underside of my bra and exp<
mybreast
"'lessee if everything's aH right; he declared.
" 'Stop!' I screamed and pulled away, but when 11
1 vsasa^ed. into Tool's ano&_ ODiy instead. of catc
me, be pot his hands on my boBom aB&lBdA ibc xxp ^
way, his left hand smack over my naked breast.
"'It's all right Yeah,' he declared. Everyone
laughing, even the girls.
"'My tumC Michael said coming up behind f
"There's enough for all of us.'
"He reached over and cupped my breasts, lifting my
bra off the left side, too, and pulled me back against
him. I lost my footing and slid down his body to the
floor. Everyone kept laughing, but I started crying and
thatfinaUy ended it
^ The girls took me to me bathroom where I threw
up. They helped me dean up and kept assuring me it
was an right and the boys would behave now. I had
such a splitting headache, but all I could think was my
another would find out everything, I went into a dying
8.:' - • ••
'The boys left shortly afterward, maybe because they
: afraid of getting in trouble, and things quieted
a. Kelly's parents came home. Her father looked a
; suspicious when he saw me sitting in practically a
a on the bed, but he didn't ask any questions, even
gh I imagined I looked very pale. The girls assured
(they couldn't smell any rum on me. I went outside
Ih Kelly and Taha and took deep breaths of ah- until I
twell enough to chance calling my mother.
a" 1 hope you don't say anything about mis,' Kelly
issued me. 'You'll get me in a lot of trouble and you'll
sly get yourself in trouble, too.'
" 'You should have told me what was going to hap-
U^lacsMBd.
" 'Don't be a prude,' Talaa said. ^w }a6. & %ooA
^B.aantyoQy I
pi remember looking at her as if she was crazy. Boys
•dmolested me. I had thrown up. I had a good time?
J^'No.'Isaidsullenly.
e "I was so frightened when my mother came, I don't
'how I waited out and got into the car.
V. C. ANDSEWS

" 'How was the dinner?' she asked immediately.
"'Very nice; I said.
"Did they serve fish?*
" 'No,' I said. At least that wasn't a lie.
|: "'And did you behave? Did you follow all the rules
of etiquette? Oh, did they start with grace?' she asked
quickly before I could answer her other questions.
"I thought for a moment and said, 'Yes. A all happened
the way you told me it might'
| "ft was dark in the car so she wasn't able to search
, my eyes and see the deception. I hit down on my Up
| and held my bream in anticipation.
| "However, she liked hearing she was right to teach
me all about dinner etiquette and such and for the remainder
of the ride home, she congratulated herself on
being wise enough to prepare me well.
"'Your father wouldn't know the first thing about it,'
she told me, 'despite his sophistication in business.
When he saw all I had done for you, he laughed and:;
thought it was ridiculous. Now he'll see,' she said nod-;
ding.'Now we'll see how smug be is.'
"When we arrived home, I was able to go right
stairs, claiming I was died. She didn't question it!
was too eager to tell my father how well she had i
pared me for the dinner. I crawled into bed as quic
as I could. When I thought about what had happened, 1
cried. How embarrassing it was and how terrible it
|| that the other girls didn't come to my defense. It
almost as if I had been invited there just to be abu
When would I ever have a real friend, someone
cared about me and my feelings?
"It made me feel so dirty to recall their hands <
, me. I think that was a major reason why my stomach
turned over and I got so sick, that and the ram. How
much had I drunk? Did me girls know what toe boys
|were doing to me and let them?"
gS "i-wish we knew you then," Star piped up. "I'd pay
Jl tern a visit few you."
j ' "Very immature behavior," Jade commented.
:% was cruel," Misty agreed.
"The hardest thing about having something unpleast
happen to you is having no one to tell at the time" I
1 them. 'It festers like a sore. an infection; it buzzes
and in your head and your heart. I tossed and turned
1 fretted through nightmares for nights after that and
iddn't face the other girls at school. I knew they
; talking about me, spreading stories, exaggerating,
ning I had gotten drunk and exposed myself in
tof the boys and embarrassed them. Kelly avoided
>?aod I felt even worse because of the way some of
(.other girls were now looking at me."
IWhy would they lie about her like mat?" Misty
IN-fade.
@Do protect themselves in case she did tell someone
? truth. Right?" Jade asked Star.
mds like it I would have pulled out their
gat that point," Star said. H
uld only make them look right," Jade asserted.
?e because of the way things were at school,
tmares continued. I had no appetite at dinner,
t to force myself to eat so my mother wouldn't
questions. The hardest thing was she kept ask-
t about Kelly's parents, me house, things they
|l and I had to make up as much as I could. I got
VGANDSEWa

away with it because I told my mother I had followed
her directions and not asked too many questions. I kepi
thinking. Soon, soon she's going to realize I'm lyinj
and the whole horrible thing will come out.
"That gave me even more nightmares. Many nights 1
would find myself awake, practically sitting up, liste
to the scream die in my throat. In dreams I felt spi
I crawling over me, dozens and dozens of them. 1
covered my breasts and reached as high as my chin.
"When I was a little girl and I had bad dreams,
mother would sometimes come to see me, but i
never held me or kissed me. Instead, she tried to tei
me how to block out unpleasantness. She told me
count until I was so tired, I would fall asleep again. Re-1
III luctantiy, because I begged her, she would leave a light I
on in the bathroom.
"One night nearly two weeks after the disas
party at Kelly's and all me questions and lying, II
my door open and dose and my father stood in
darkness at my bedside.
" 'What's wrong?* he asked. I thought I heard 3
cry out when I came up from getting myself a glass«
milk.'
"He did mat if he ever had any trouble sleeping.
once told me that sometimes numbers from toe ;
market keep playing as if he had a ticker tape ma
in his head as soon as he closed his eyes.
"I just turned my head into the pillow until I felt)
hand on my shoulder and felt him sit on my bed.
" 'Something wrong with my special giri?' he asl
I couldn't help myself. I started to cry again.
stroked my hair and waited.
& *'*What is it?' he asked. 'You can teU me. Did
ameone do something or say something that upset
909'
| "^Yes,'I admitted in a small voice.
f 'Yes what?' he demanded. 'It's better you tell me/
eadded.
It**! swallowed down my tears and quietly told him
at had happened at Kelly's house. He listened with- E speaking, but I could feel his eyes fixed firmly on
, even in the dark.
* 'b it my fault?' I wanted to know. 'Am I bad?'
la'" 'No, no,' he said, and men he leaned over and put
tis lips to my ear and added, 'There's good touching
Bid bad. You shouldn't be afraid of the good or be
ashamed of it.
|?^ 'Boys who grope girls are bad. It doesn't make you
feel good inside, right?'
I®" 'N0,' I agreed. He was definitely right about that,
tdifhe was right about that, why wouldn't he be right
>oot the rest of it?
tFAGood touching is gentle, soft,' he said and as he
he, he showed me.
1 'dose your eyes,' he said. That's it. You shouldn't
afraid to sleep,' he whispered. His hands were under
nightgown and he moved his fingers softly, gently
rmeas he chanted, 'Be still, be happy. See, this is
1 touching. It's like petting a dog or a cat,' he said,
I you know how that pleases mem. See, it's pleas- paa. You'll sleep now.'
Kb touching didn't relax me. It felt like a tense
; was coiling tighter and tighter inside my stomach.
I hands were soft, gentle, but they were moving
V.GANDSEW8

everywhere, and it made me even more nervous than I
already had been.
"'Easy,' he said when I tried to squirm away.
'You've got to relax your body and not be afraid of
good feelings.'
"I kept myself as still as I could.
" "That's it,' he said. That's better. See?'
"My body felt tense. I tried to keep my eyes closed
and go to sleep, but it was bard to relax with him still
touching me. Finally, he stopped and stood up.:
" 'Good night.' he whispered. 'We'll keep it all ae- cret,' he promised. 'All that's happened will be part of
our big special secret Don't worry. Your mother
doesn't have to know. It would only upset heraayway |
and we don't want to do that, do we? Camy?' |
"He needed to hear my answer. My voice cracked, -;
butlmanaged. y;
" 'No; I said. My heartbeat was so quick, I couldn'(|
catch my breath. |
"Moments later, he was gone and I fell into a pool of j
confusion, my body in a turmoil and yet, I.was happy l|
was still able to be my daddy's special girl, happy I
wasn't a bad giri in his eyes."
I paused. The three were so still, their eyes unmoving,
their lips frozen.
"Well," Doctor Madowe said after a moment, "wh
don't we take another break and I'll see about lunch."
No one moved; no one spoke. ,
"Anyone need to go to the bathroom or anyttang?'1
"I do" Misty said rising. She looked at me.'
you have to go first"
"No. Fm fine." I said.
The rain had started. The wind blew drops against
; the window and they zigzagged their way down like
crooked tears. When I looked back at Jade, she was
staring at the floor. Star was gazing out the window.
She looked so deep in thought it made my heart skip a
beat. Their silence was louder than the thunder rolling
in from me storm.
Despite feeling somewhat drained, I still thought I
could do this. Doctor Marlowe had brought me to this
J stage in my therapy, holding my hand, consoling me
| and building my confidence until I thought it would be
I all right, but as I looked at the others, I suddenly won^ dcred, can they do it? What nightmares and fears had I
| atirred in their vaults of horrid memories?
The four of us were chained together by our pain
"flow, and the trembling one felt reached through the
hearts of the next and the next and the next until we all
^rambled together. Was it good to share or was it cruel?
;- Every question raised another.
^ -Answers taunted us with promises just like beautiful
i beneath the water, and when we reached too quickr
too deeply, they were gone in a flash, leaving us
iting, searching, hoping for another opportunity.
How could we not be afraid they would never come
, even to taunt us?
"I hate days like this," Jade said after a long roomeiff|
of silence. "I know it hardly rains here compared t6|
most other places, and I guess I'm spoiled, but I can't stand
this dreary weather" <
"I don't mind it so much," Misty said. "Unless ifs|
day after day."
"Granny hates it because it stirs up her aches
pains," Star said.
"Too many days look gray and gloomy to me
out the clouds and rain," Jade admitted.
'It's not that bad." Misty insisted. Jade didn't like i
be contradicted.
'I suppose if you live like a child in a fantasy wori
it doesn't matter," she said, fixing her gaze onMisty.
"I don't live in a fantasy world and I don't live like
chad"
"We all do," I said and they turned to me. "I meanJ
1 aren't happy with tilings, you daydream a Jot daa^
? J do," J oxcfee--e' -a*».<^w»«' ^ -^»w»»/
afe.o--f.--tr or.--»-*«; '«»»''
light," Star said, nodding. She glanced at
tiere's no point lying to each other just because
>else lies to us"
spend a lot of time in my room, alone, just...
ming" I told them, "a lot of time. That's what
e my parents want me to see Doctor Mariowe in
; first place. I hated stepping out the front door, hated
going to school, just hated leaving the house at aU. I
missed a tot of school, claiming headaches and stomach
cramps or just being too tired. It got so bad me
auns were talking to my mother about getting me a
home tutor, and you know how much she would hate
having a stranger in our home every day"
"Do you have a nice house?" Misty asked.
,"It's okay, but it's nothing like this. We've got a good
aze backyard. The property's waUed-in with oleander
j bushes growing up the walls to give us lots of privacy.
' My mother's always planting something that will close
t in more. Mostly it's just grass and a couple of grape- uit and lemon trees. My father used to talk about
(aiding a pool My mother would ask,'What for?'and
9 would look at her as if he was giving it lots of
pught aad then say. To swan in.'
"'It's too much wodc,' my momer muttered, 'and
h your schedule, who's going to do it?'
He said he would hire someone just like everyone
»he knew who had a pool, but the discussion usual-
ided with that and nothing was ever done.
[used to think if we had a pool, I could invite some
V. C. ANDSEWS

girls over, but then I thought, what kind of bathing suit
would my mother approve? Certainly not a bikini, and
who would I invite anyway and suppose I found some
girls who would come and they wore bikinis. Mother
would ask them to leaver
"Well, if you invited friends over now, you could
hang out in your bedroom, right?" Misty asked, and I
wondered if she would ever want to visit.
'I suppose. You aH would probably think my room
was too plain. I don't have any posters or pictures up.
It's probably not as big as yours or Jade's, but at least it
has two big windows that face east so I get the morning
sunlight. I have a pinkish gray rug and a double bed
with a mahogany headboard and two posts at the foot
of the bed. Beside the mirror and dresser, I have my
desk, another dresser and bookshelves built into the
wall. I don't have a television set or a phone in the
room. My mother would never permit either. She says
they're born bad influences on young people."
"It sounds like you're trapped in a cage," Jade mut*
tered.
"Oh, our house isn't that small. We have a good size
living room with a fireplace and large panel windows
that face the west so there's lots of afternoon sunshine. >
Mother hung thick drapes to block it out when she
wants to. The kitchen is trig. My mother likes to cook
and bake. I wouldn't call her a gourmet cook like you
have. Jade, but she's good at making traditional meals
and pies. That was one thing my father always complimented,
her food. He was a meat and potatoes man."
"So he married her for her cooking and money,
mat it?" Jade asked dryly.
"Didn't Cosy fan in love first?" Misty followed
quickly.
"I never actually came out and asked either of them
when or how they feu in love. I guess I never felt (hey
had and the little I did learn about their past convinced
me I was right They didn't date and have a romance
like your parents or Jade's. My mother's father actually
met my father first. He started to invest with him. He
either mentioned my mother or introduced him to her
one day and that was how they got to know each other.
"My mother didn't have a job and never went to college.
When I asked her why not once, she told me there
wasn't anything she wanted to be. She was an okay stuitent, but not very ambitious, I guess. I think it upset my
grandfather. From the little my mother has told me, I
don't think they had a good relationship because he was
.so critical of her, telling her she would be a spinster and
jamount to nothing if she remained at home, just helping
s; her mother with the housework and the meals.
"Sometimes, I got the feeling she got married to stop
grandfather's criticism. It wasn't exactly an
anged marriage, but my grandfather seems to have
1 a lot to do with it She keeps her wedding album
tically hidden away on a shelf in the living room. I
[to took at it occasionally. She doesn't look bright
happy in her wedding pictures; it's more like she's
g through the motions, doing something mat has to
R<k»ne, but something without passion and excite.
It doesn't look like a special day for her.
t would have to be something very special for me,"
"I mean, you should just glow in your wedding
don't you think? The photographer shouldn't
V. C. ANDREWS

even need flashbulbs because your face is so lit
right? I'd love to be fulfilled and loved by someone
who made me so happy I glowed." I
Misty laughed. Jade smiled and shook her head, and
Star raised her eyebrows and nodded.
"No" I continiu'd considering, their Questions vaa

other or had time for love, not the way you talked.
your own parents and their romances," I told i
"When I asked my mother where they went on
honeymoon, she told me they just went straight home.
" 'There was plenty to do to set it up,' she said, 'and
there was no point in wasting money on some overpriced
vacation where they charge you twice the price
for everything you can get at home.' "
"If she thinks like that, she'll never go anywhere" |
Jade said. '
"She doesn't Don't you remember what Cat told us
about taking trips?" Star pointed out J
'Have you lived in me same house all your life?"|
Misty asked, aj
"Yes. My mother is not one who likes change, even |
small changes like wallpaper or rugs, much less a move |
to another house. Lots of times now, I wish we would^
move. The house seems stained with bad memories for ]1
"No. Use I told you, my adoption was something I
iscovered just recently, after... after other stuff hap- ened. It's hard for my mother to talk about it right
IWW
^ "Haid for her to talk about it?" Jade cried with indig/Tbi^ 4la»M^^^^^^^<w^>^&.'«
ehng.'Ske 'we can endure me pain because we're
ng. Nothing scars us; nothing really hurts us. We'll
yaw it, even betrayals and broken promises. Hard
her? Your mother hasn't got a right to be more upset
ften y». Doa'ttetbH get away witti it" she advised.
"Ask. her anything you want and insist on an answer.
You deserve it"
"Yeah, if she refuses to tell you what you want,
threaten to wear lipstick and eye shadow" Star suggested.

Misty laughed and I smiled, and we were all laughing
when Doctor Marlowe returned. She looked very
pleased.
| "Well, I hope you all are hungry. As usual, Emma
i has gone overboard with lunctL"
|n They all looked at me to see what I wanted and what
Iwouldsay.
| "I guess I am hungry," I said.
Anyway, I thought, I'll need my strength if I'm to go
on with my story.
t Lunch was truly a break for us. I think they needed it
as much as I did. We talked about everything but our
home life and our parents and me tilings mat had
brought us here in me first place. However, I wasn't
ere as up-to-date as any of them when it came to
i and music.
V C. ANDREWS

"I don't know how you listen to that hip-hop," Jade
told Star. "It's so monotonous."
'It is not. You haven't gsvea it a chance. That's why
you say that. Who do you like?"
I nks Barry Manflow," Misty admitted. 1 do." she
insisted, "and I've even been to thfee of his concerts."
"What about you. Cat?" Jade asked me.
"I guess I tike everything or whatever I get to hear,
mat is. My mother hates me listening to any music too
long. She thinks it hurts my schoolwork."
"Get earphones and she won't even know when
you're listening," Star suggested.
Doctor Marlowe sat off to the right eating and listening
to us without comment. I wondered if the others ever
got the feeling we were an under some giant microscope,
an being observed and studied. Maybe someday
we would get together somewhere else, without therapists
or patents, and be free to talk about aH mis, free to
talk without anyone looking at us and studying us. }
Or maybe when today ended, we wouldn't see each j
other ever again. Maybe just the sight of one of us would
bring back all me bad memories and they would look for
ways to avoid the rest of us, especially me, I thought, especially
after I'm finished with my whole story. 1
I almost didn't feel like going on when lunch was^
over and we returned to the office. Why not leave it fltj
this?Iwondered. I had already gone further than I had]
expected. Wasn't Doctor Marlowe satisfied?
One look at her face told me no, told me she wan
me to tell mem the worst, if not today, than maybe
morrow, and if I didn't, it would fester and irritate
side me, just as I had told them it would.
CAT

They waited for me to begin again. I sucked in my
breath and started.
"When I was in the tenth grade, my school sent a
letter home with every high school student announcing
that die school was sponsoring an annual dance
with an all-boys parochial school. The dance was described
in detail, when it would start, what food
would be served, what we were permitted to wear
and not wear, and how well it was going to be chaperoned
by the sisters. There was some statement
about the importance of healthy, clean social activities
and how the dance was an important learning experience
for young people. This way we would have
something decent to measure the wrong sort of activities
against. Parents were actually encouraged to
permit their daughters to attend.
"My mother wasn't happy about it, but she was
trapped by the fact that the school she admired was
promoting it I recall my father finally offering a firm
opinion about something involving me.
'"The way (ids is described,' he pointed out after
dinner one night, 'it will actually be another learning
experience. I should mink you'd want her to be in a
controlled, healthy environment for something like this,
Geraldine.'
^; "My mother pressed her upper lip over her lower and
stared at me school dance announcement as if it were a
warrant for my arrest rather than a social afiair.
" 'Shell need a new dress,' she said in a discouraging
tone of voice.
. " 'So? Get her a new dress,' my father said.
'? sat there practically holding my breath. He
VC.AJSDSEWS

winked at me and I felt wonderful. My heart was in a
pitter-patter just anticipating the preparations.
" The styles these days are so.. .awful. It's hard to
get anything decent,'my mother complained.
"Tin sure you can find something, somewhere,
Geraldine,' he told her, refusing to give in like he usually
did. He could see how important this was to me and
he was playing my knight in shining armor.
"My mother looked at the announcement again and
then at me. I could see she was relenting.
"'I suppose you'll want to wear Hpstick, won't
you?'she asked me. ;
" AU the giris her age do; my father said quickly. ;
'On occasion, there's nothing wrong with it, Geraldine^
As long as she doesn't overdo it,'he added. '.I
"I couldn't believe how firmly he was coming to i
aid, speaking up for me.
"'Giris get into trouble so easily these days,'my)
er muttered.'One small thing leads to another and j
bigger thing and before you know it, they're pregnant' 1
" 'Oh, I suppose you and lean make sure that st
thing like mat doesn't happen to our special little |
he said glancing and smiling at me again. Wae
said, 'special little girl,' my heart skipped a beat i
think I even blushed. :"My
mother's eyebrows rose but fortunately, si
staring at him and not me.
" 'Is that so, Howard?' she said. 'You mean:
finally going to take some real responsibility for f
" 'I know I've been busy and left a good deal (
to you, Geraldine. I've been remiss on mat seen
I'll do my part now that Cathy is getting of age.'
" 'Of age for what?'my mother pounced.
" 'Oh, meeting people, getting out more, learning the
ways of the worid,'he said calmly.
w 'She's bettor off not knowing the ways of this
world,'my mother insisted.
5 "They talked about it a little more. My father volunteered
to drive me to me school andpick me up after
the dance. Finally, she reluctantly agreed even though
.she added that she thought I was still too young for
Illlcha thing"
g "And did she agree to permit you to wear lipstick?"
Hide asked with a coy smile.
jl-'A little;' I said. "Although, she kept the tube in her
i after we bought it"
Where? In the safe?" Jade asked.
'ractically>" I said smiling. "The haidest thing was
ag a dress she liked. We went to so many depart:
stores, but nothing was right. Finally, she found
small store out in me valley. I think it was more
mi costume shop. The hem was low enough to satis- ler. It reached a little below my ankles, and the col-
went halfway up my neck. It looked like something
ftB the 1800's. It was too big, too, but she thought
us fine. She found shoes that matched and I had
she considered my new party outfit
then I looked at myself in it, I nearly burst into
I was sure I would be ridiculed, ft had puffy
4 lots of lace, and big black buttons on this
d green heavy cotton material. She had me put it
f model it for my father, who sat mere with his
.hoisted.
like she's in a play or something,' he said.
VC. ANDREWS

'It's practically a costume. Is that the sort of party dress
a giri would wear today?'
"'It's perfect: m^TOoAvCT masted.
" 'I feel stupid in it,' I declared, encouraged by my
father's reaction. 'When I walk, I can hear the material
swishing around me. It's too loose and I'll choke to
dead in this collar if I try to eat anything,'I wailed.
** 'It's perfect,' my mother repeated. 'Proper and perfect*

I "'No boy is going to want to dance with me wearing
this,'I complained.
" 'Is that what you're worried about? How many
boys will dance with you?* my mother asked.
" 'No, not how many,' I moaned. 'Any.'
"I was nearly in tears about it I wanted to go to the
dance very much. I saw it as my chance to make new
friends and maybe to have a social We, too, but I was
terrified that wearing that dress would make me look
like a buffoon.
"'Why can't I get something more in style?'I cried. ;
" "Hie styles today are downright pornographic,' my
mother said. 'You saw that from the little we viewed in
the department stores. And besides, you read the dance
announcement and rules. Most of the things on sale m
the stores wouldn't be permitted anyway. Be happy you
have something decent,'she insisted and left it at that
"I went upstairs to sulk about it, and later, my father
came to my room. He asked me to put on me dress
again and I did. Then he stood back, studied it for a;
moment and stepped forward to unbutton the collar almost
down to my cleavage. ^
"'That looks better,' he said, 'but don't do it until
CAT

after you get to the school. You're becoming a very
pretty young lady, Cathy, do you know that?' he asked
airiUdtmyseAfbtasfaattowet.
" 'No, I'm not,' I said. Tm too big and I don't have
any nice features.'
"'Sure you do,'he said. Tm just sorry I haven't had
more talks with you about what you shouldexpect now
mat you are mixing with boys. I'm glad me dance is
still a week away. There's a lot I want to tell you, show
you, explain to you. Most parents throw their children
out to me wolves, especially their daughters, and men
wonder why they get themselves into trouble. Your
mother minks me answer is to keep you here under
lock and key, but I know the answer is to make you
smart and aware so nothing comes as a surprise.
" 'Doesn't mat make more sense to you?' he asked
me and I nodded because it did sound right
"Tomorrow is a holiday and me market's dosed,
too. I'll spend some time with you in me afternoon
when your mother goes food shopping, okay? I'll help
you prepare for the birds and the bees.'
r "I had no idea what he meant, but I nodded. He
stood there staring at me for a long moment and men
V. C. ANDREWS

me. Sometimes he acted as if I was invisible and sometimes,
he would stop and stare at me so hard, I couldn't
help my heart from thumping. This was one of those
times."
I paused and gazed down at me floor for a moment I
could feel their eyes on me and then I caught them
looking nervously at each other. Doctor Marlowe had
templed her fingers beneath her chin and tested her elbows
on her knees as she waited, too. Lunch tumbled
in my stomach, but I swallowed back any gagging.
For me it was like making a big, wide turn in my
sKxy. The worst was yet to come and I knew it, and
from me sound of their silence, I knew me girls were
aware of it, too. They looked wonied for me. They
looked like they really eared.
; "The next day I hadn't forgotten what my father had
said, hot I was very occupied with my schoolwork and
tNafcing about the dance. At school all me girls were
talking about it Most of mem had been to dances like
dbs before and many knew a number of me boys who
would be attending, fv
"I sat to the side in the cafeteria and listened to me
older girls talk about it, trying to learn as much as I
could so I wouldn't appear like such a fish out of water
when I attended. When I heard some of the giris describe
what they were going to wear, my heart sank.
Moat were going to dress in clothes my mother had vetoed.
Everyone but me would be in style.
"I had already been plagued by nightmares in which
I arrived at me dance and the whole party stopped as
one girl and boy after another looked my way. Even the
sisters looked amused at what I wore. Then, they all
CAT

broke out into hysterical laughter and I ran out of the
building into the night, tears streaming down my reddened
cheeks.
"I was coining to me conclusion mat I shouldn't go
to me dance, that it would be worse for me afterward.
All ray chances to have any sort of normal social life,
to make friends, to be invited to anything else, would
be washed away me moment I entered mat decorated
gymnasium, I thought I decided I just wouldn't go. I
was sure my mother would be happy about mat decision"

"Damn," Star muttered.
"But," I said, "I didn't have to make mat decision."
The girls all widened their eyes and waited.
"After my mother had left me house, my father came
to my room. He knocked and entered and under his
arm was a big box.
"What's that?'I immediately asked.
" 'Fait of our special secret,' he told me. 'You better
not tell her about this, or I'll be drawn and quartered at
sundown the day after your dance,' he warned and put
the box on my bed. He stepped back.
"I just stared down at it
"Well, open it and look!'he cried and laughed.
"I approached it slowly and took off the cover. There
in me box was a new dress, a real dress, green velvet
with a knee-length skirt and spaghetti straps and some
beads on the right side. It was the most beautiful dress I
had ever seen. He even bought me shoes to match it!
" 'How can I wear mis. Daddy?' I asked, astounded.
'Mother won't let me.'
" 'She won't know. You'll put 00 me dress she made

97
V. C. ANDREWS

you buy and after we leave the house, we'll pull over
sad you'll put on this dress,' he said nodding at the
box. 'You won't have a mirror to check yourself out,
but I'll be your mirror,' he offered. 'Put it on. Let's see
how right I was about your size and such,'he added.
afeiStood there with his long arms folded under his chest and waited. My heart was pounding. Changing in
front of him was truly doing something forbidden, but I
was too excited about my beautiful new dress to care.
"I quickly unbuttoned and removed my blouse.'took
off my skirt and slipped into the dress. He came behind
to zip me up and men he turned me toward the mirror.
M 'Like Cinderella,' he said. 'Look how beautiful you
are now.'
"I was actually frightened by my own appearance.
The dtess fit a bit snugly, especially me bodice, and
these was just me suggestion of the beginning of my
cleavage. Would the nuns turn me away? Wasn't Daddy
afraidofthat?
" 'Perfect; he said instead. "That's a dress.'
"'What if Mother hears about this?'I asked him.
" 'It's a green dress, too. Besides, she won't hear
about it Where does she go to be able to hear such
dungs? Well?'
" 'Oh Daddy!' I cried. Tears were filling my eyes.
Thankyou.' "I
gave him a bug and be kissed die top of my bead
and held on to me for a long moment.
Then he held me out, at arm's length,
over, nodded and smiled.
" 'Now,' he said, 'it's time for your lessons.' *
66 W
JXjeep the dress on,' he ordered. 'Everything
should be as dose as possible to how it is going to be at
the dance.' He thought for a moment 'We aeed some
music, too. Yes, that's it We'll turn your room into the
school ballroom.' "fife
snapped on my radio and found a station.
- -" 'How's that?' he asked about the music.
3 "[shrugged.
" "I guess ifs okay,'I said. I hadn't been to a school
dance before, so I had no idea what sort of music would
be played, especially at a parochial school dance."
I^Fto hip-bop, I bet," Star said.
'Jsad. "nicy cemor the words m the 9oags.
^Matewea play Madonna."
laace," Star muttered.
,' Daddy said. 'Let's ate& at. the. iK«----q_
t^n^MbtecoeaaBATaoe.aa.^fc»A».,y»&®<aBc»
VC.ASDSEWS

together, talk about everyone's clothes and
Now,' he added with a wink, 'they'll surely be'
about you. And in a nice way, an enviable way,'
quickly added.
" 'As soon as the boys see you, especially how you
look now, you'll be approached by one or more and
asked to dance. Be polite. Don't turn anyone down outright
unless he's particularly disgusting,' he said and I
smiled.
"Who else but my father would think me pretty? I
wondered, even in this great dress.
"My father looked like he read my thoughts.
" 'I don't want you underestimating yourself, Cathy.
Don't seem surprised and so grateful when a boy asks
you to dance, m fact, hesitate for a moment as if you're
deciding whether or not he's worthy of you.'
- 'Oh Daddy,' I said. 'I don't mink lean do that.'
"After all, I thought, I had never yet been asked to
dance by any boy ever. Even if me first looked like
Frankenstein, I'd surely say yes quickly.
" 'I want you to make them wonder,'" be said firmly.
'It's important mat you establish self-respect m their
eyes immediately. Okay,' he continued, 'I'm me one
asking you to dance. Look like you're thinking about it
May I have this dance, Cathy?' he pretended. 'Go on.
Do what I said. Just a quick glance around as if you're
checking to be sure no one else is waiting m me wings.
Go oh. Do it,' he told me and I pretended too, feeling
fooBsh, but doing what he wanted anyway. "Good,' he
said.'Now a small smile, a nod and step forward.'
"I did as he told me and he held out his arms. He listened
to the music for a moment
CAT

| "This is one of those dances we can actually dance

penmt anyone to dance any closer ton this,' he said
putting his hand on my waist and holding my other
hand up. We moved around my room. That's good,' he
said. 'Fine. However, you should expect some boys
might still try to take advantage when the nuns aren't
watching so carefully. They'll move you a bit closer
like this and their hands may move off your hip like
this and slide over your rear end. See,' he said.
"What do I do?'I asked quickly.
** 'Step back and then say, "Wateh your hands if you
want to dance with me." Make sure you say it like you
mean it, okay?'
"I nodded. I was very nervous now and womed. Was
this all going to happen? How did Daddy know so
ouch? I wondered as well.
^"'Doit/he said.
1 stepped back. 'Watch your hands if you want to
dance with me,'I repeated. He shook his head.
" 'Firmer. Mean it,' he told me and I did it again, tryng
to sound serious.
; " 'Okay. That's better,' he said. 'Good,' he contined.

" 'What if the boy doesn't want to dance with me
anymore?'
;' "'Good. You've eliminated an idiot.
" 'Now» however, if you get to like one particular boy
and he seems to like you, too, he might ask you to sneak
out of the dance with him. What are you going to say?'
'"I don't know,'I said, unable to even imagine such
a scenario.'No, I guess.'

101

^S^L^eaBSRSKr
Th«f» what you should say.* He held his
me and a small smile formed m me camel's ofasi
'But you might be tempted. He might be a very g
looking boy m popular,' he warned, lifting his voiceN
"^1 won't<to it; I promised. ii
** 'Neverttelcas, whether it happens at this dance <
(i» next, it will happen someday, Cathy. Ifs natural«
matter what you promise new. You're prettier than yoal
think and boys will be boys. You're going to want to go
and I'm not saying you never should. I just want you to
be prepared when you do eventually give in to yoar
inner voice,'he said.
"Inner voice?'
" 'Every man and every woman has one. It's usually
silent, but at the right moment, at the right occasion, it
speaks up. It demands to be heard and you can't stop it
In fact, you might not want to; he said. "There are
things that are going to occur which will make the
voice louder, stronger inside you until finally, it's me
only voice you hear. You will no longer hear your
mother's voice or even mine.
u'You've got to be prepared for mat,'be told me. 'Jf
got, men what yoar mother said me other day at dinner
will happen. You'll get yourself into trouble. You don't
want that, do you?'
"'No, Daddy,'I said.
"I remember it was as if a frightened little bird had
somehow gotten caught in my chest It fluttered about,
its wings grazing my heart, my lungs and my ribs. I felt
weak. My legs were trembling. Daddy looked so serious,
so worried. How dangerous was all this?
" 'Good,' he said. "Then we'll do something to preOET
but like everything else, Cathy, we better keep
oar special secret Your mother just won't under-
She has different ideas about these things, untie
ideas, I'm afraid. I'm not trying to get you not
e her, but you know what I mean, don't you?'
Yes, Daddy,'I said.
I "He smiled and then he stepped up to me again and
tamed me around to look into the minot,
" 'You are not a little girl anymore,' he said. 'You are
a real young lady.Yoor body is armed, loaded, ready to
explode, take off, soar. I'm sure you have already felt
some of mis. I'm sure,' he added with a tiny smile, you
have already heard the inner voice, especially in
dreams. Am I right? Don't be ashamed or afraid to ten
me,'he pursued.
" 'Yes,' I said ina whisper. I wasn't really sure what
he meant, but I thought that was me answer he expected
and needed. He smiled and brought his face closer
to mine.
** 'It's all right Don't be afraid,' he said. His iace
looked almost as flushed as mine felt
u'All light, let's go to ksssoa number two.'be decided.
stepping away. 'Pretend I'm the boy you like, me one you
have been hoping would pay attention to you. Now he
has and like I said, he tells you to meet him in me halL
" 'Pretend to go to me giris' room,' he said in a different
voice. He even stood differently and smiled differently.
'They won't know the difference, Cathy.
C'mon. You go first and I'M follow. Then, instead of
going to me girls' room, meet me just outside me
school door. We'll go to my car for a little while. No
one win even miss us,' he added.

108

V. C. ANDREWS

"R was funny playing this game with him, and yet it
was also exciting for me, just like I was in a soap opera
or something.
"He stepped closer to me, looked to me side as if
checking to see if we were being watched, and then
supped his hand into mine and gently played with my
fingers for a moment.
" 'C'mon,' he said. 'I want to be alone with you for a
while. Everyone's watching us here. We can't really
talk and there are so many things I want to tell you,
Cathy. Please. Just for a little while, okay?'
"I could baldly apeak. I was afraid to say no, and
Daddy was right: there was another voice inside me,
tiny but there, a voice encouraging me to go, suggesting
mat it might be a lot more fun.
" 'Don't disappoint me, Cathy. Please,' he pleaded.
"'What should I do?' I cried in desperation.
Daddy stared at me so seriously.
" 'Either go or say no,' he said back in his daddy
voice. "What will it be? You want to go, don't you?
Don't you?'he pursued.
M 'A little, I guess,' I admitted.
M 'Okay,' he said. That's all right You're being honest
I'd rather that man you pretend otherwise. We'll
just have to move faster to the next lesson,' he said aad
turned for a moment as if he was thinking and planning.

" 'Where can we go? Where can we go to practice
and team?' he asked himself aloud. Then his face
brightened and he turned back to me.
"'Iknow.'
"He reached out and took my hand and we left vsy
CAT

room. I thought we wore going to go downstairs, but
he turned and headed toward his and my mother's
room.
"I didn't go into my mother and father's room very
often. She kept mat door closed all the time, too. I really
didn't have much reason to go in mere. She did
all the cleaning in there. I could help only with me
downstairs, the living room, den, dining room and
kitchen, as well as my own room and the bathrooms,
ofcourae.
"I couldn't remember a time when I was in their
bedroom just with Daddy. & felt so strange, almost as if
I had gone to an unfamiliar place.
" 'Let's see,' he said standing inside me doorway and
looking over the room. 'Yes, mat's it My bed win be
ftecaE'
"He changed his posture and his whole demeanor
agam and then turned back to me with that eerie smile.
? - 'Camy,' he said. I knew you would do it I knew
you would come. I knew you liked me just as much as I
like you. Maybe it's even more man mat. Like is for
kids and we're not kids anymore.
" 'It was so crowded and noisy in mere anyway,
". wasn't it? This is better. C'mon. No one will see us in
my cai,' he added and pulled me toward his bed.
"He pretended to open a car door and slide in.
- " 'Backseat has more room,' he told me as he sat on
his bed. 'C'mon, get in/He beckoned and reached for
me and I sat on his bed, too.
** 'dose the door, silly,' he said.
"What?'
'"The car door, Cathy. dose it'

108
V. C. ANDKEWS

" 'Oh,' I said and even (hough I felt a little foot)
doing it, I pretended to reach out and pull the ^|

u'Would yoaMke a cigarette?'be asked me. ||
"'A cigarette? No. I don't smoke.'I said. .|
"Hescotlcd. -,- '^ifL
" That's good,' he said. "We wouldn't want anyfli|
bad tiyfuppes to those bestutifol bmgs ofyocacs, imj|h
we? Relax,' he said putting his arm around me^l^H
pulling me a little closer to him. 'We don't have ttaj^l
frustrated penguins staring at us now, making osN^^I
liice we're doing something dirty.' "js^^
"It was so strange to bear Daddy ta& ISs O^ii^^
when I looked act him, his face was so different: ;|^H
way his lips turned up in a strange smile, me gnfli^^l
his eyes, everything made him look like someone d|^H
Someone scary. I^H
" 'You're very pretty,' he told me. 'You've b|^l
keeping it a good secret, but I always thought there ||^H
a pretty girl hiding in there,' he said. 'The otherg|^H
are so stuck-up and stupid, but you're not You're axi^B
girl, Cathy, the kind of girl I could like a lot I mal^H
that. I really do.' ^H
"I admit I loved hearing Daddy say these thiaf|H
They were words I had dreamed being said to me mo^H
times. It was as if Daddy had gotten into my head aa^H
listened some nights and overheard that inner voice b^B
spoke of before, the voice that told me I'd do anymingU
just to be loved. 'U
"Suddenly, he kissed me on the neck. It was such aa^l
unexpected kiss; I felt weak and anxious at the sam^J
time.
CAT

i.--" 'Kw'/c deSdoas,' be cautioned, mbblmgoum
ir'Jnst as delicious as I had imagined.' foi^ea
'While he did this, I didn't realize his haad jim
ped off my shoulder. Suddenly, I felt the JStppe
'sagdowaasbektssedmeoatlieaeckaatllbmibe,
.of my face, moving over my cheeks. Ilbmklactof got numb all oves:
9e got the zipper almost alt toe way to my waist
then began to slip die straps off my shoulders,
ging my dress along with them. Everything he did
vised me and the shock of it all paralyzed me.
k" 'You like me too,' he said. Tell me you Wse me
a. C'moasayit. Say it, Catny,'be dusted.
I did. I couldn't help doing everything or anything
asked. Was this what really would happen? I won- red.
"He didn't take my new dress all the way down to
f waist As soon as he had it away from my breasts,
turned me to him and kissed me full on the lips. My
ss popped open. His fingers had unfastened my bra
I seconds later, he leaned on me until I feu back on
; bed. I could barely breathe. I wanted him to stop--
it was so embarrassing.
H "I think I made some sort of noise of protest and
| suddenly, he pulled back, sat up and stared down at me.
His face and his neck were all red. He looked like be
was having difficulty catching his breath.
; ,..." 'Okay/he finally said, back to his daddy wice.
'Let's stop and review everything. What just happened
to you?'
" 'I don't know,' I cried. 'It happened so fast!'
" 'Exactly. That's bow boys work. They don't ask

107

V. C. ANDREWS

" 'Oh; I said and even though I felt a little foolish
doing it, I pretended to reach out and pull the doo^||
closed. -'q
'*'Would you like a cigarette?'he asked me. CJ
" 'A cigarette? No, I don't smoker I said. N1
"He smiled. . . -^ , - _ ; ^
" That's good,' he said. "We wouldn't want anythin^f
bad to happen to those beautiful lungs of yours, wouldU
we? Relax,' he said putting his arm around me
pulling me a little closer to him. 'We don't have a
frustrated penguins staring at us now, making us
like we're doing something dirty.'
'It was so strange to hear Daddy talk like mis,
when I looked at him, his face was so different;
way his lips aimed up in a strange smile, the glint
his eyes, everything made him look like someone
Someone scaiy.
"'You're very pretty,' he told me. 'You've
keeping it a good secret, but I always thought there
a pretty girl hiding in were,' he said. 'The other j
are so stuck-up and stupid, but you're not You're a
girl, Cathy, the kind of girl I could like a lot I
that I really do.*
"I admit I loved hearing Daddy say these f
They were words I had dreamed being said to me
times. It was as if Daddy had gotten into my head
listened some nights and overheard that inner voice
spoke of before, the voice that told me I'd do anythi
just to be loved. ;i
"Suddenly, he kissed me on me neck. It was such
unexpected kiss; I felt weak and anxious at the
time.
£.;" 'You're delicious,' he continued, nibbling cm my
ear. 'Just as delicious as I bad imagined.*
"While he did this, I didn't realize his hand had
slipped off my shoulder. Suddenly, I felt the zipper
moving down as he kissed me on the neck and then die
side of my face, moving over my cheeks. I think I actujisBy got numb all aver.
r "He got the zipper almost all the way to my waist
| and men began to slip the straps off my shoulders,
^ audging my dress along with them. Everything he did
I. surprised me and the shock of it all paralyzed me.
', " 'You like me too,' he said. Tell me you like me
i too. C'mon say it. Say it, Cathy,'he chanted.
| "I did. I couldn't help doing everything or anything
r he asked. Was this what really would happen? I won- Bs^tered. ^ ,
-"He didn't take my new dress all the way down to
| my waist As soon as he had it away from my breasts,
be turned me to him and kissed me full on me lips. My
eyes popped open. His fingers bad unfastened my bra
and seconds later, he leaned on me until I fell back on
the bed. I could barely breathe. I wanted him to stop--it
was so embarrassing.
; "I think I made some sort of noise of protest and
suddenly, he pulled back, sat up and stared down at me.
|l His face and his neck were all red. He looked like he
| was having difficulty catching his bream.
E"'Okay,' he finally said, back to his daddy voice.
j 'Let's stop and review everything. What just happened
i stoyooT
" 1don't know,' I cried. 'It happened so fast!'
" 'Exactly, That's how boys work. They don't ask
V.C.ANDREWS

permission for each and every touch and loss. One
thing follows anothe| uadljie» you are half naked and

he-rattled. He ran his- hands
tiReiql^Brlteir and looked at my mother's bed for <
BMBiCTt.'CMcay.'he said without turning back to
'Dress yourself quickly and we'll go over tins. '
whoje point is for you to learn and be prepared.'
"I did what he said and waited. After another long
moment, during which his face returned to a more natural
shade, he turned back to me.
"'What mistakes did you make?'he asked.
"Tdon'tknow/Isaid.
" 'You don't know? How can you not know?'
" 'It all happened so fast. Daddy, and I didn't know
what you wanted me to do,' I moaned at his angry expression.

" 'All right, all right,' he said calmly. 'First, you got
into the car too eagerly. Any boy who saw that would
expect you would be cooperative; otherwise, why get
intothecar?'
"To talk, I thought.'
"'Boys don't reaUy want to talk. Maybe a little afterward,
but not at mis point Talk is just a kind of bait to
get you to come out to me car. You can come out and
you can get into the car, but youshould set me rules
quickly. As soon as you got into the car and I kissed you,
you should make it clear you'll go no farther,' he explained. 'You didn't even put your hand on mine to get
me to hesitate or stop. Any boy who saw you behave mat
way would think he could go faster and farther.
CAT

Now; he continued, 'you have to decide how far
you can go without losing control, understand?'
Inodded.
MtGood,f be said standing. 'Good.' He glanced
'±Iy at Hie clock. That's all we have time for today.
mother should be coming home any moment You
irtahe off the dress and put it back into (he box. I'll
lit in the trunk of my car; he told me.
"We born knew vsy mother might find it no matter
where I tried to hide it
"I returned to my room and did what he asked. Then
he took the box and went out to his car. It was hidden
away before my mother returned.
"I felt terribly confused and upset and guilty about
everything that had happened, but I knew if she found out
what my father was doing for me... and to me, there
would be hell to pay in my family. Some lies, as you said
before. Misty, are necessary," I added and sat back.
Once again, they were all just staring at me. Jade
was the first to fill me silence.
"You didn't know you were an adopted child men,
so you still thought he was your real father, right?" she
asked.
"Yes, that's right"
"Well, didn't you tirink it was..."
"Disgusting?" Star offered.
"Yeah, disgusting," Jade seconded.
"No. not right away," I said. "I didn't know what to
mink. When he was touching me it made me scared
and upset But I thought be was very nice to want to
help me, to care about things like my dress and do what
other girls' mothers might do for them. And, the things

109

'iUtecwant, I told ^kss that Daddy <fldn*t.

„,;«.» t. .~»»i il^SS.'S^'SS!
^I-SS^^-""1 ^
-^'SS-^S^^r.-, ^ a
t«fc^ wta'--^r^Awa&Bfa^pgwa^aAeajRmBeftMrj^"'
beginning, right? Cathy?"
I turoed to her and glared. For a monweat. I
angry at her for bringing me hoc and getting me to til
an these things. Slowly, I felt my blood cool down. - ^Cathy?" she said. ^
"I'm okay," I snapped back at her. I stared downi
the floor. "I just thought he didn't want me to become l
bad girl," I muttered.
"Why wouldn't she think that?" Misty piped up. *
was always very nice to her and he tried to buy her i
things. He seemed to care more about her than
mother does."
Tm sorry," Jade said. "I didn't mean to mate:
feel bad or guilty or anything. I'm sonry."
"Me too," Star said. "It isn't your fault you're
That's for sure."
I was quiet, thinking.
"Yes, it is," I said. "It's my fault; it's my
fault and it's my father's fault."
I looked up at them.
ac. bulL x Jcef:
ft^wsMil al«4. J^a^^iae: 1*1^ b«6C»«xke a« fiOfxiuifiUCMUBcl <?
s of the snobs at my school. Maybe (he boys would
jUteiM^m^lwul^^mtpo^
^ct«. Vd «urpru» thorn att. I «faoaat*t_ Witt.
^^xz^^^^^^^--
S^odd and differ and hid^ n^tf.."
Brfl^adiam^trf^l^^^110^
pounds Kfl^ "ratfe "» 6ef pretty aasf mature ancf fie
Id make me better than them.
' "Stout up,' 1 U>V& the vote-- tertde me ttuo. told xae
at we were doing was wrong. 'Keep still and don't
e tey to stop me, not now, not ever.'
t "Maybe I was bad ifaen. Maybe 1 was ]ost as baA as
|6 was. I went to sleep mat night anxious, and yet excitItf about the dance and what boys I might meet mere."
i? I looked up at Doctor Marlowe.
is "Maybe mat's why," I said referring to me big quess
we had left hanging between us after all my ses-
bs with her to date. "Maybe mis is me reason why I
t't hate him as much as my mother wants me to hate
a* as much as everyone wants me to hate him."
She nodded, a soft smile on her face.
I looked back at the girls.
s, I thought, mis is good. I'm glad I'm here. I'll go
>matter what I see in their faces and in their eyes.

l^.^raneaung'was wrong ami she was complaining
|bout the way modem appliances simply created more
lomplicated problems.
s "Still, I fete strange after what Daddy and I had done,
od I probably would have felt even more anxious
bout it if it wasn't for a conversation I overheard at
inch. Debbie Hartley was talking about her newest
oyfriend Alex Lomax, she was complaining about
im, actually. Debbie is one of the most popular giris at
fhodl. Everyone believes she has had the most experi- ce with boys, so when she says something aboitt. dUb^
as iS ^he-was spouting gospel. I was no exception.
[sat yiA witiiun usteamg taoge aBdlne& to act. a& if
iHf'TBlKxntej&,}x&ftfc}ieg9&Yi9 Aescritenghow
x had tricked her into going far a ride in his father's
? Cadillac die night before and then parked in some
Hted dump, knowing all along that his intention
f to get her into me backseat, 'Where,' she said, 'he
posed n« by piodxicu^&ooukx&V
|*^year8peri^up.1twasahDo^tesanN6«fhi«Q^
baddy had eovmoned.
" 'He had me nerve to assume that when I told him
before I wasn't ready, I meant we didn't have protection,'Debbie
declared. 'Of course, he tried eveiynring,
elling me how much be cared for me, how he couldn't 1
leep because I was constantly on his mind. Then he
tied kissing me on the neck, nibbling my ear, acting as
f I was nothing more man some car engine he was ay-
ig to get started.'
** 'What did you do?'Judy Gibson asked her.
V. C. ANDREWS

" 'I told ban if he didn't back off, I'd kick him where
he would remember it until his dying day,' she said
with fury in her voice. 'Imagine, using as an excuse my
saying I wasn't ready. Boys deliberately misunderstand
things you say or misinterpret things you do just to get
you to do what they want,' she proclaimed. The girls
nodded and bobbed their heads simultaneously like
puppets on strings.
" 'So you're not going with him to the dance?' Betty
Anderson asked her. "
'Of course I am. He's cute, isn't he? I can handle
him. He'll behave now, but you've got to show them
who's in control fast or...' i3
"Or what?' Judy asked breathlessly. ^ |
"'Or you'll be pushing a baby carriage in the Bever1
ly Center maU,'she predicted.
- "AM the girls around her nodded again in unison,;
wide-eyed. My heart was racing. Daddy was teac
me me right things, I thought If all these girls,
supposedly were far more experienced with boys d
was, were this vulnerable, what could I expect?"
1 bet that Debbie Hartley was full of jelly be;
Star said. "She was just trying to be a big deal in -
ofhersheep."
"You mink so?" I asked.
"Why. else would she put down her
front of them like that?"
"Star's right," Jade said. "I know girls like that, They are usually making it up to look like they
more experienced. Unless she's just a sex tease, i
course, and likes to torment every boy she dates," I
added.
"Maybe" Star said, "bat I think we're probably right
about her anyway."
Misty said nothing, but nodded with a knowing look
on her face.
How I wished I was experienced enough to recog
nize these things as well as they could, I thought.
"Nevertheless, it was on my mind the remainder of
the day. I couldn't stop thinking about it all, even when
I got home and started my homework. Daddy came
home late that night and my mother complained about
the stink of booze on his breath. He did look like he
had drunk more than usual. His eyes were a little more
bloodshot and he had this devil-may-care smile on his
face as she chastised and lectured him.
^ "He didn't say anything special to me, bat at dinner,
II caught him looking my way occasionally and wink-
|mg. Of course, I checked to see if my mother had
light us conspiring each time, but she was occupied
th me meal and with reminding my father about her
fat-uncle Willy who had become an alcoholic from
rtdaily drink with the boys and ended up dying in the
er, penniless. ft was one of those family stories mat
s on me power of a legend. My father was never
' impressed with it and once told her that her moth-
robably made it all up.
?*Ihat set her off on a tirade against his family,
ua she called white trash. Daddy never defended
n no matter what she said. As I grewolder, I won-
id .why, but he always retreated from my questions
i the statement that they were all 'A bunch of lu
es.' According to him, it was better to pretend they
I't exist, that they never existed.
V. C. ANDKEW9

'After dinner my father fell asleep in his chair reading
and my mother continued her complaining, only
now, directing it to me.
" 'See what a waste of energy it is to get yourself
drunk,' she pointed out, nodding to his direction- 'It's
better you never put your lips to any alcohol.' .'
"I thought about what had happened at Kelly's after I
had begun to drink the rum aad considered that she was
probably right about mat J
"Anyway, I went up to my loom far the night.1
heard her go to bed before Daddy and then, after I had
bathed and gone to bed myself , I heard his footsteps on
the stairs. He paused at my door. I held my breath and
then I saw me door open slowly. He sopped in aad
closed it behind him.
" 'CathyPAreyou asleep?' be whispered.
-" 'No, Daddy,' I said. Tjust got into bed.'
" 'Good,' be said and approached the bed. He sat at I
my feet fxx a moment. I could hear him breathing hard
as if he had run up the stairs. Then he reached out and
lay his hand, palm down, on the small of my stomach. <|
'"Arc you still excited about going to the dance?'he I
asked.' - - - .-. . ^
"Yes, Daddy.'! said. y|
u 'Good,' he said. 'Well then, it's dme to go 00 with
our tes80&* lie cose to sit closer to me. 'Remember
where we woe. You like mis boy and you want him I
like you,' he saidquickly. 'Now boys can do someoria
mat is so unexpected and surprising to you, you'll 9
confused and lose your control,' he told me, which Wf
almost exactly what Debbie had told her girlfriends i
school.
"I heard what sounded like the rustle of clothing and
a moment later, he lifted the cover and slipped into bed
beside me. :
"When I was a little girl, he had done this once. My
momer was busy downstairs aod he came into my room
aad sapped into toe bed and held me and stroked my
teir and petted me as he talked about things we would
do together someday. I used to long for him to be like
| that again. :-': . ' .';.; ,
j^- *Now remember where we were when we left off,'
he whispered in my ear. 'You're in the backseat of his
car and be has kissed you and told you lie loves you
| and needs you and wants you to love and need him,
; aad you like all that You want all that Then he moves
(pickly,' Daddy said and put his hand where it was on
my thigh the day before.
• "I held my breath, waiting for him to tell me what I
was supposed to do. When he didn't speak, I thought
he was waiting for me to move his hand away, but lie
axwed it to that very private place between my legs be
fore I could do anyaing.
e (< 'When he touches you here, it's different,' he said.
[ "ft makes that inner voice louder, right?
w "'Oh Cathy,' he said in mat pretend voice before I
could respond.'You feel so good.'
Then, without warning as he had promised, he
terned himself and I felt his hardness against my inner
Itegh. He was right about it surprising me. I couldn't
«peak; I couldn't move. It was more than just a shock.
| ft turned me to stone.
^'He'n want you to touch him, Cathy. You should
what it's like for him so you will know what to
V. C. ANDREWS

expect Here,' he said bringing my hand to nan.
what happens to him. See?'he said.
"He held my hand there and I felt his heart bes
through my palm.
"I cried out and turned away quickly, burying my
face in the pillow.
** "lhat's^ul right,' he said. 'That's good. That's me
way you should be, but now you know what to expect
That's good, isn't it? Isn't it?' he asked again until I
nodded my head. 'Good,' he said. 'Good,' he chanted,
but he sounded a little frightened too.
"He rose and I heard him dress and start for the
door, ' ^ . ' , ;&.|
" 'Good night, Cathy,' he said. That was tonight'B |
lesson. There's just one more step to go,' he added)
he opened the door and supped out. "'
"I couldn't stop dying and men I became angry
myself. Why was I crying? Look at what Daddy 1
done for me. m minutes I was ahead of the other gi
who would probably team all this while it was happn
ing and wouldn't know what to expect I was morel
phisdcated than Debbie Hartley. Stop crying. SK
being a baby. Stop being immature, I told myself.
"Damn, Cat, didn't you know how wrong it wast
Star asked.
"I thought it was good!" I protested. "I didn't;
I had no one to talk to about it an. Daddy was ni
me than ever!" I cried, tears now building aggres
under my eyes and pouring over my lids to streak i
to my chin. 5
"Easy, Cathy," Doctor Marlowe said. "We've
at length about this. You don't have to be;
In't have to blame yourself. The girls understand,"
us added lookingat thetCL
^feac5 -HobiKi&L
"Is he in jail at least?" Jade asked.
*No,"Isaid.
"Why not?" she demanded.
"Lea Cathy tell you everything at her own pace. Jade.
ff die wants to go on, that is," Doctor Marlowe said.
The girls sat back and looked at me anxiously. They
J didn't look angry so much as they looked frightened
sow. I was beginning to led like I was the strongest of
^waii. '
|N»*Tllgoon;'Isaid.
|^ Misty leaned forward and touched my hand. She
innled and I took a deep breath.
"Daddy was very busy me next two days. Something
matic had happened m the stock market and he
ised dinner on Wednesday night. Cta Thursday, how-
r, he surprised born my mother and myself by
ing us that he had to go to Santa Barbara to meet
b an important client on Friday. He would leave late
the afternoon, so we could go along. He suggested
e stay overnight and have dinner at a nice restaurant
l the beach.
*4 'It's a great town, great stores. You'll have a good
s,'he told my mother.
course, she had her expected reaction. Santa
was so close. Why was it necessary to stay
it in an expensive hotel where strangers slept?
1 her off on one of her favorite topics: her theot
why there was so much disease in the world.
i believed it was due to travel, to people spreading
V.C. ANDREWS

germs and viruses. She was especially critical of air
travel, claiming die germs were circulated for hours
and hours in a plane. She had never been in a plane for
just that reason, and she would certainly not go to
Santa Barbara and stay overnight in some hotel.
" 'Oh, too bad,' Daddy said and then turned to me
and asked if I would want to go with him. 'It's a business
expense,' he said. "The client is actually going to
pay for it I can get us a suite.'
"I looked to my mother but she seemed uninterested
in my answer. I don't know if she thought I was going
to be web her aad refuse or if she didn't fealty care ,
what I decided. Daddy looked at me with eyes that told :,
me he really wanted roe along. |
" 'We'll be home early enough for you to prepare for |
the dance,' he added, then looked at my mother and
winked at me. -|
"Okay.'I said. a|
"'Good,' he said quickly. TO swing by after yoa|
come home from school and we'll head out to beat thel
traffic. Sure you won't join us, Geraldine?'
" *0f course, I'm sure,'my mother said.
"Didn't she realize what was going on?" Jade;
qmcldy, her face flaming bright red with fury.
I shook, my head.
"It was so far from her thoughts, she couldn't!
imagine it," I told her.
"I bet she reels really bad now," Star said.
"She does but she blames him the most, of course,^
said. "And me, too."
"Forget about blame. What happened? Did yon
with him?" Jade asked.
Off

"Yes. I was very nervous all die next day. The talk at
school was all about the dance, of course, and some of
the girls were asking me what I was going to wear.
When I described the dress my father had bought, they
looked envious. It made me more confident and even
proud and more appreciative of Daddy.
"When I got home, I packed a small bag for
overnight My mother acted as if she had either forgotten
or hadn't paid enough attendon to understand I was
| going. She didn't try to stop me, of course. Why would
|.ahe?. , . ^ .
| *AU she said was, 'Make sue yw take a batb in me
^aotmogaod wash away an the germs yoo'11 get on yw
ftoeping in someone else's sheets. Wear as much as you
can to sleep, too,' she advised.
"[promised J would and a little while later. Daddy
rived to pick me up. Shortly afterward, we were on
ic way. It was the first time we ever went anywhere
one overnight I was naturally nervous and excited.
" 'I have a surprise for you,' he said after I got into
e car.'Check the backseat'
"I saw three boxes from a department store.
^fWhatisit.Daddyr
T'Look for yourself,' he said with a laugh and I
bed over the seat and brought me boxes forward
my lap. First, there was a small box fullofcosmetBpstick, eye shadow and makeup. Then he had
: me mole domes, clothes my mother would
forbid. There was a soft pink cotton sweater, a
black Capri pants and black square-toe flats.
|*0h Daddy,'1 said. Where can I wear mis? Not to
you know. Mother would be furious.'
V. C. ANDKEWS

'No, it's just for today and tonight.We'B keep1
beside your dress in my car trunk for another tin
know what your mother would say, too,' be added, j
lag las eyebrws. 'Bet she's jost oct of too± things today.' He smiled at me and then leaned over i
kissed me on me cheek. 'Go on,' he said, 'climb i
the bade and pit it on.'
" 'Now?'
" 'Sure. Let's arrive in Santa Barbara in style,''
said, laughing.
"I was so excited about it, I did what he suggest)
The sweater was a lot tighter man I would have lilf
and it had a deep, V-neck collar. There was no hiding|
my bosom in this, I thought, and the pants were tight,
too. . .4
"'I don't really know how to put on makeup,
Daddy,' I said, but I put on the lipstick anyway. <
" That's okay,' he said. 'I wanted you to have it
want you to have self-confidence, Cathy. Your mot
has gone about all this in the wrong way. But we're i
ing things; he added, 'right?'
"I was so thrilled with what was happening, I agr
quickly. When we stopped at a gas station, I hop]
out and went to me bathroom to look at myself.
couldn't believe me change. It actually frightened i
Was this really me?
"Daddy looked so pleased. The gas attendant i
staring at me hard when I returned to the car. ~
" 'See mat,' Daddy said. 'See die way mat yol
man was ogling you? You are attractive, Catby. Me
mink you're not,'he said.
"How good that made me feel. I felt like
and thanking him. He cared about me. Nothing
seemed to matter for the moment, nothing."
K; I glanced at Doctor Marlowe. She looked displeased.
t could bear her coaching me: Stop trying to explain
yourself. Stop trying to find excuses. It wasn't your
holt, '^ - '
r Nevertheless, I thought. Mother was right How
IgouMU not have been some of my fault? I still believed
Ifcat, even now, even as I told me story of what happened
that night.
"A little white later, we pulled into the motel. It was
right near the ocean.
" "Where arc you meeting your client. Daddy?* I
asked him.
" 'I'll call from our room,' he said, 'and see what he
wants me to do.'
"The room he got for us wasn't a suite. It was just a
room with a king-size bed.
j® "He saw (he surprise in my face when we entered together. '

% " 'This is the room with the best view,' he said. "The
|led's big enough, right?'
; "'I guess so,'I said hesitantly.
^& "Never before in my life had I ever slept in a bed
^with anyone, not even as a child. My mother always
made it clear to me that I couldn't come crawling into
' a-bed or my father's. If I was afraid or just needed to
f held, I had to smother those feelings.
"Daddy called his client and left me at me motel
he went to see him. There was access to me
behind me complex and I took off my shoes and
' barefoot in the water as me tide washed ashore.
V.C.ANDREWS

I kept thinking how Mother would complain Oat I
would track in sand or catch some disease on my feet
It made me laugh and I was suddenly filled with this
great sense of freedom. It was as if Daddy had snuck
me out of me castle, out from behind the high walls
and chains of roles. Here I could soar, laugh, splash
and be devil-may-care.
"It was a beautiful afternoon, with just a few wispy
clouds across die horizon. I threw myself on me beach
and stared up at the blue sky, dreaming of floating up
into it. The sand was so warm andcozy. I must have
fallen asleep for a while because suddenly I beard
Daddy's laugh.
" 'There you are,' he cried. 'I thought you might
have nm off with that gas station attendant.'
" 'Oh Daddy,' I said. 'He wasn't really looking at me
thatway.'
" 'Like hell, be wasn't!' Daddy exclaimed, m our
house my mother hated when he said hell or damn, not
because she was so religious. She just thought it was
crude and a bad influence on me. Out here with the
vast ocean before us, me wind blowing through my
hair, the sl^ so blue, nothing, no rules, mattered.
" 'Well,' hesaid, Tm free now. What would you like
to eat? Why don't we have seafood? We're at me
ocean,' he said. Everything sounded exciting to me. ;
" 'Should I change back into my other domes?' I
asked.
"'Absolutely not,' he said. 'I want everyone to be
jealous of me.'
"He reached down for my hand and we walked back
to the motel together, where be showered, shaved and
dressed while I watched television. We went to a very
nice restaurant on the wharf and I had lobster and then
we shared a dessert, something called a mud pie, which
was a wedge of- vanilla ice cream smothered in hot
fudge. Again, I could hear my mother chastising us for
eating such a rich dessert
"Before we returned to the motel, we did what he
had promised: we went into the town and visited some
of the quaint shops. He bought me some inexpensive
but interesting artistic jewelry, a necklace and a ring.
He said they would go well with my new party dress,
the one he had bought, of course.
"ft was one of the happiest and nicest days I could
remember. When we returned to the motel, I assumed
we were going to sleep. I got ready for bed. Daddy
watched television, sitting in a chair, and his eyes
closed. I never felt as contented so I was confident that
I would have only good dreams.
"Some time after I had fallen asleep, I woke in the
dark room because I felt him beside me.
" 'It's time for your last lesson,' he whispered, his
lips touching my ear.
"My heart began to pound.
"•What, Daddy?'
" 'Giris who do go too far are like swimmers who
have gone beyond the buoy out in the ocean you saw
today. The waves have taken control. Despite what they
want now, they are lost in the rhythm and can only wait
forittoend.'
"As he spoke to me softly, he ran his bands over me,
lifting my nightgown.
" 'Daddy,' I moaned. "This is wrong!'
V. C. ANDREWS

" 'You have to know what this is like/he insisted.
'And it's not wrong. It would only be wrong if I were
your rea/daddy.'
"Not my real daddy, I thought. What did he mean?
'He shock in my eyes made him stop. :
" 'You're finally old enough to know the truth,
Catny. Yes, you're adopted, but even (hough you were
adopted, we've always loved you. Still, don't tell your
mother I've told you. It was something we were sop- posed to do together someday. Don't worry about it
You're my special girl, remember.'He moved his body ,
over mine and kept whispering in my ear, 'My special |
girl. My special giri.' 4
"ft hurt, but I don't know what hurt more: what he
was doing or finding out the truth about myself. I was
spinning with such confusion, it an seemed like «|
whirlwind of nightmares. I cried and cried and in the
morning, I saw me blood. There was some on nr
nightgown. He told me I had to throw it away. If
didn't, my mother would wonder and the most ix
tant dung, always the most important thing, was ]
ing our special secret.
"I wasn't very talkative the next morning. For
while, the shock of all mat had happened took myatj
tendon away from what he had told me. Daddy tried)
cheer me up. He talked about other places we we
visit, now that I was old enough and could be indep
dent A few times, I thought I would ask more ab
my adoption, but I couldn't bring myself to form
words.
"We got back on the highway and headed for hoi
Again, he tried cheering me up by talking about
dance and how much fun I was going to have. I fell
asleep for most of the trip and didn't wake up until we
were pulling into our driveway.
" 'Everyming all right?' he asked me before we got
out
"Everything all right? I thought. You told me I was
adopted and after what we did, everything is supposed
tobeaUrighr?
" 'Yes,' I lied and harried into the house.
" 'Did you take your morning bath?' was my mother's
first and only question the moment she saw me.
.She didn't ask a thing about the day, where we had
gone or what we had done. I told her yes and went up
to my room.
"I looked into my mirror and didn't recognize the
girl I saw mere. I couldn't shake off the feeling of
: being dirty. I still feel like that once in a while, but
learning I was adopted, that I had a mother and father
BH^ I had never known left me feeling even more
lyempty inside. Shattered..."
"You can stop now, Cathy," Doctor Marlowe said.
I gazed at her and shook my head.
"No," I said. "I can finish."
She smiled at me.
?The three girls, my sister Orphans With Parents,
eren't smiling. They were the ones holding their
seam now.
I wanted to say, "It's all right. Everything's going to
^allright"
feBut I had no idea if it was or ever would be.
- -";-.--
66T ' ' ' ""
J. thinic something died inside me that night at the
motel."
I looked at Doctor Marlowe and smiled.
"Some people think it was innocence. The little girl
was gone, swept away abruptly.
"I felt so tentative about myself, so uncertain. Rather
than my now being armed with a new, mature confi
dence, I felt like I was blindfolded, walking on a
tightrope, unsure about every step, anticipating some
great fall. With that feeling came the loss of all theex
citement that I had felt building in me about the dance.
I wasn't even interested in going anymore. I felt sick,
weak, drained of my emotions.
"I lay on my bed and stared up at me ceiling for
hours with my eyes wide open, thinking of nothing that
I can recall.
"Daddy was the only one to check on me. Mother
wasn't doing anything to encourage my going to the
j|danee, of course. When he saw I was just moping about
sad he realized how late it was, he came up to see why.
|fc "He knocked lightly on my door. I didn't respond
itead he opened it and peered in.
|y " 'What are you doing? Don't you have to get
|teady?'he asked.
"I was afraid to let him know what I was feeling so I
implained about being a little nauseous and tired. He
une into my room and closed the door behind him.
^ " ^That's just stage fright,' he said with a smile. 'All
; girls have it on their first date or social event, Cathy.'
|;i "I didn't agree or disagree. I just turned my head and
Stared at the pillow.
"'It's not important anymore,'I muttered.
" 'Not important anymore? Of course, it's important.
Cathy, you've got to go now,' he insisted. 'If you don't,
your mother will blame it on my taking you to Santa
Barbara. She'll start to rant and rave about disease and
dirt and all that We'll never be able to go anywhere
again without her bringing it up and complaining. 'You
won't have a minute's peace if you stay home. Believe
me.
" 'Besides,' he said, 'I got you mat wonderful dress
^ and those shoes and you have the jewelry to wear.
|i You're going to be the belle of the ball. Don't miss tins,
Cathy. C'mon, sweetheart. Why have I spent all this
pounds ime with you? All the lessons,' he added. 'After your
experience, I'll spend time with you again and we'll
jlisalk about what more you need to know, okay? Cathy?'
' -• "I felt my stomach chum and I had to swallow and
j|swallow to keep from having to throw up.
S'C^SZICKRF

" 'Okay, Daddy.' Isaid. Til start to get ready.'
"I just wanted him away, wanted him to stop ta
" 'Good. I know just where to puU over be
here and the school for you to change into the ?
dress waiting for you in the car trunk,' he said. Ta
taking my camera and I'll snap a few shots of you so q
we can have something precious to remind us of our
special secret*
"He came over and touched my hair and stood there
looking down at me. Far the first time, I felt myself
cringe inside. I was afraid he might sense it, too, but he I|
didn't. ' , , . , : ,.;|
" 'You're so pretty. My special little giri,' he said,!
leaning down to kiss me on the cheek before he left(
closing the door softly behind him. |
"It still took a great deal of effort for me to gather
enough enthusiasm to bathe, do my hair and dress, but
I did. I moved like someone just going through the motions,
someone in a daze. J'j
"However, when I put on that dress my mother hi
bought and insisted I wear, I stared at myself and ji
started to giggle and giggle. It was like a dam had b
ken. In fact, I was a lot like I had been at Kelly's hoi
after I had drunk too much rum. I couldn't stop lau
ing. Tears rolled down my cheeks; My chest and i
ribs ached so much, it actually frightened me, bi
couldn't stop.
"I tried holding my breath. That didn't work eat
My lungs just burst, leaving me gasping for air. My 1
gave out and! sat on the bathroom floor. My sitting 1
with me skirt of mat dress all around me oozing j
struck me even funnier, I guess, because I laughed I
K was maddening. My peris of laughter were inter.
used with dry heaves. My entire insides felt like they
w in rebellion. I thought my whole body might come
and out of my mourn, including my lungs and my
art-It would. alL'^t&o^oB.^.^aal'
"WMasty cried.
"Yes," I said nodding. "My thoughts were disgusting,
but I couldn't stop that either. I'm actually leaving
out half of it," I told her.
"Forget that. What did you do?" Jade asked. She
looked like she understood the madness that had taken
control of me, like she'd felt it herself before and she jj
wanted to know how I had handled it. She was leaning
forward, practically ready to lunge off her seat at my
response.
"I tried to stand by reaching up to the sink and
pulling myself to my feet When my hand slipped off
F the ceramic, I broke into another fit of hysterics. It was
| as if the bathroom was coming alive and every part of
t it, every fixture, was trying to avoid me like I was con-
j laminated or something or maybe, shocked by what I
||iooked like in the'perfect party dress.'
I" "My laughter seemed to come from a lower and
ver place in my body now. It rolled up in small,
inderous peals, flowing through my throat and echo;
in my mouth and my ears. I was on all fours, crawl'„ and that made me laugh harder. Everything I did,
ay thought I had, every breath I could take, brought
iew surge of hysterics.
^ "Iwas afraid it was never going to end. It was like
ing the hiccups and doing everything possible to
> them, but nothing works, know what I mean?"
V. C. ANDREWS

They all nodded quickly, especially Jade.
"I crawled up to my bedroom door, the door that was
always supposed to be closed. That struck me funny,
too: always supposed to be closed. I might die in here
before I can get to the door, I thought, but my mother
would think that's fine. It was proper.
"I reached me knob and turned it, falling back as I
did so. There I was on my back on the bedroom floor,
my arms out, looking up at my ceiling again. I was
laughing loudly now. My whole body trembled so
much, I thought I must be shaking the whole house.
"Yet, neither my father nor my mother heard me. My
mother was running the vacuum cleaner downstairs. I
turned myself over on my stomach and I crawled out of
my bedroom. My laughter stopped for a few moments
and I caught my bream and thought it might be over.
Whatever it was might be done, but when I reached me
top of the stairway and looked down those steps, I
started to giggle again.
"I reached out and put my hands down on the next
step and men I began to slide, laughing as I did so. My
mother must have finally heard something strange. She
flipped off the vacuum cleaner and listened and men
went into the living room where my father was watch-* ;|
ing television. "^
" "lum that down,' I heard her say. I was halfway
down the stairs on my stomach. He did what she dea;
manded and they both listened. ^
"Moments later they were at the foot of the stairs^
looking up at me, both their faces so twisted and con-- |
fused by the sight of me, which of course, struck me )|
funny.
CAT

^30. ^OiB^C «|
"ifoo'TCTOnBn&^oai new tess.Waiare^oa AcangT
"Tm going to the dance. Mother,' I said. I slid
down another step or two. 'I know you're not happy
about it, but I'm on my way,'I added and I laughed and
laughed until I missed a step with my hand and tumbled
to my right, over on my shoulder and men my
whole body seemed to rise and float as I did a somersault,
landing on my back and crying out
"fa seconds I was at their feet. They bora looked so
surprised aad shocked. I wanted to laugh again, but the
pain was too sharp.
" "My God,' my mother said bringing her hand to her
mouth, 'what's wrong with her? b she... drunk?'
"She knelt down to smell, twitching her nose like
a squirrel. I closed my eyes on her face, choked on
a chuckle that was caught in my throat, and passed
onfc
"When I woke up, I was in an ambulance on my way
| to the hospital.
I "And you know what? I was still wearing that ridicuAt
the hospital emergency room, they put me
bough some X-rays and examined me before they
five me a sedative. I slept through me remainder of the
light and when I woke in the morning, my mother was
ing at my bedside staring out the window. She had
chin resting on her open palm and her elbow
: her body. She looked so thoughtful and for a
so much younger than she was. Actually," I
V. C. ANDSEWS

said glancing at Doctor Marlowe, who knew it all of
course,'I didn't recognize her."
"Didn't recognize your own mother?" Misty asked.
Why not?" t
"At the time I didn't even recognize myself,"-I
replied.'- - .;" . '." : ^
Misty scrunched her nose and her eyebrows dipped
toward each other. I "' -'-- ' "&|
"I don't remember this part wen, but my mother
does. She knows every moment of it by heart .and ie"!
cites it from time to time, reminding me what I put t
through."
"Huh?"
"Let her talk," Jade stammered, her hands clenchedi
to fists and resting on her knees. Misty sat back quickly.
"'Where am I?'I asked my mother. .%3
"She dropped her hand and turned to me. Her If
aged back to where it should be in seconds. I
" 'You're in me hospital,' she said. 'You passed <
at home. They gave you tests and found nothing ^
with you, but you said things.'
"'What things?*
" 'I don't know everything exactly, something ;
lessons, and now you're...' She looked aroun
room. 'You're on the mental health floor. You're I
for observation and mere will be a doctor, a psyc
trist, and maybe someone else coming to speak to;
It's horrible. It's all just so horrible.'
«What is?* I cried. 5
"She shook her head and sighed deeply. I studied 3
and tried to remember, but it was as if a thick
wall had faUen around my memory.
"'Who are you?'I finally asked hei.
" 'What?* she said stepping back. 'What did you
say?'
I looked around the room and then at her.
"'I don't know why I'm here,'I said.
I " "What are you talking about?' She stared at me.
'What are you doing?' she asked, her voice shrill. 'I'm
going to get your father,' she added as if it was some
^InndofthreaL
1%^ 'My father?' I asked, a littte fiaotfc. Butterflies had
'begun to flutter in my chest and I didn't know why.
| &^ 'Vis's downstairs in the cafeteria. He's having cof- i and something to eat Do you want to tell me why
ate acting like this? Do you want to tell me what all
s means before these strangers start to ask you ques-
tar
ru *I don't know,' I said turning away from her. 'I
t remember anything.'
Ehe stood up and hovered over me for a few mots. I ' ^ ^ , . : . ,:,
t*l don't know what's wrong with you. I was
ing to let you go to the dance. I bought you a dress
_»te'/(^*A
dress? Yes, I remember a dress.'
I" Was rained,' she said. She shook her head. 'What
l^you doing?'
i'*l was scrubbing my arms and my breasts, wiping
|bmething away.
fe" 'I don't know,' I said and looked around me room
ysu. 'Am I supposed to be here? What am I supposed
Kdo? Can't you tell me who! am?'
|*"0h dear,' she said and turned. She looked like she
VC.ANDSEWS

wanted to flee. At the door she paused to look bade at
me. 'I don't know why you're doing this,' she repeated
and left.
"I just closed my eyes and I fell back to sleep and
when I woke again, I was alone in my loom.
"I lay mere quietly, my mind so full of blanks. I
struggled to remember, fought with every letter, every
word mat flowed through my mind. It was very scary. I
felt like everything was just inches from me, but I
couldn't reach anything. I felt like I was dangling.
There was nothing below and nothing above me.
"Finally, a kind-looking older man in a white lab
coat came in with a young nurse at his side. He introduced
himself as Doctor Finnigan and the nurse as
Mrs. Jenner.
" 'Why am I here?' I asked him. 'I can't remember
my name either.'
" 'You've suffered a traumatic experience,' he began.
'Prom what we can tell, it's not a single, explosive experience. You're not physically hurt in any way, but
you've still suffered severely enough to cause a condition
of generalized amnesia. These things don't last
Don't worry,' he assured me. 'I would like to try some
hypnotism,' he concluded.
" 'Hypnotism? You're going to hypnotize me?'
" 'I think it might help. It won't hurt you m -' way,'he promised.
"He did have a very kind face, soft blue eyes
gently curved lips.
"He asked me to concentrate hard on mis small i
he took out of his lab coat pocket and began to
and then.."
CAT

"What?" Misty asked.
"I don't know. I woke up confused again, only this
time, I felt as if I was coming out of the darkness into (he
fight. 1 must have been sleeping because it was much
later in me day. Mrs. Jenner was there. She asked me
how I was and I said, 'I'm fine.' I told her I was hungry
and she laughed and went to get me something to eat
"Doctor Finnigan returned, too, only I didn't remember
him immediately. However, I remembered everything
else. & came back to me in waves aad waves of
pictures and thoughts. He introduced himself again.
"'Why am I ina hospital?'I asked him.
" 'What do you remember last?' he replied.
"'I was getting ready for the dance. I... was looking
at myself in the mirror, I think,' I told him and he
smiled and said mat was good. I was getting better
(paddy, which was what he had expected. I asked for
my parents and he told me my mother would be coming
up to see me any moment
"'What about my father?'I asked him.
" 'Do you want to see him?' he asked me. He studied
my face carefully.
"Wo,'I said.
Benodded.

" 'Wa^^to^^/y^^pmswa^scpiea.
rmyhand.
k'mk. leaner brought me my tray of food and as I
"s eating, my mother arrived. She stood outside in the
Iway with the doctor and they talked in very low
nnuring voices for a while. I finished eating before
came in. Then Mrs. Jenner took the tray and left
A rand me alone.
V. C. ANDREWS

"She looked very sick, pale, her eyes bloodshot I
can't remember ever seeing my mother cry. If something
bothered her mat much, she would go off to be by
herself. She stood by my bed now and the tears slipped
out of me corners of her eyes like fugitives sneaking
down her cheeks.
" 'Honibte,' she muttered. 'It's so horrible. He
doesn't deny it.'
"'What?'I asfaed her.'Who?'
"She took a deep breath and shook her head. She
seemed to suck her tears back into her eyes, straightened
her body, filling her spine with steel again, pulling
her shoulders up.
" 'Let's not talk about it now,' she commanded.
Let's never talk about it' ^
"Of course.that was not to be." I gazed at Doctor
Mariowe. 'Talking about it became very important
We've traveled a long way, right Doctor Mariowe?" ^|
"A very long way, Cathy." m|
"Are we home yet?" I asked her. I was trembling a |
little.
"Almost, honey," she said. She looked at the
three who were sitting quietly. "You're all
there," she said with a smile.
I nodded and took another deep breath.
"I remained in therapy for a while, working
Doctor Finnigan. By the time I returned home from i
hospital. Daddy was gone. Like your mother. Misty," i
reminded her, "my mother had tried to purge the hoi
of everything that would remind us of him. She did
go so far as to sell or give away his favorite chair,
she didn't just clean out his closets and drawers.
sanitized them. She scrubbed the house as if his
essence, the very memory of him, was something that
could be vacuumed up, scrubbed away.
"Unlike you, Jade, I didn't have to be involved in
much of the legal stuff. I knew my mother had started
me process of getting a divorce, of course, and I knew
mat lawyers had met and settlements had been concluded
to her satisfaction.
"Like your daddy. Star, mine was gone suddenly, almost
as if some wizard had made him disappear. I
know it was part of whatever was decided mat he
would never have any contact with me again. It wasn't
something I easily accepted or believed. To this day I
sometimes expect him to appear, to come walking up
the stairs, to knock on my door and open it and smile at
me and ask how his special little girl is doing.
'It would be like everything mat has happened was
I just a bad nightmare.
"But then, my mother is always mere to remind me it
was no dream." I looked at Doctor Mariowe. That's
good and bad, I know. I have to face me demons to der:
stroy mem, to rid myself of mem," I recited.
apShe nodded.
"But it would be nice to bury mem forever."
^""Ifou will," Doctor Mariowe promised.
Ife^Why wasn't he arrested? Why didn't he go to jail?"
ade wanted to know.
"First, my mother didn't want all the notoriety. Even
y, not mat many people know me real reason for
: separation and divorce. Second, I don't dunk I
d stand having to tell this story in a courtroom,
lifit was only before a judge.
V. C. ANDSEWS

"I did meet with a judge and a representative of a
child protection service to conclude custody questions.
For a while I thought they might take me away from
Mother, too, that maybe they thought she was really
more directly responsible. I suppose it was hard for
them to believe she was so..."
"Dumb?" Star asked.
"Blind," I corrected. "Mother is comfortable in her
own world"
"You might as well be away from her" Star muttered.

"I can't say I don't love her or need her. She's the
only mother I've ever known."
"I still don't understand why she wanted to adopt
you in me first place," Jade said.
"I know. That's something I have yet to learn.
There's much I have yet to learn. She's suggested to me
mat mere were rumors about my father and his sister
and maybe mat was why his family was so distant She
never talked about it before because it was too disgusting
to even form such words with her lips, much less
uttertbem." "Why
would she many someone like mat?" Misty
asked.
"I don't think she knew about me rumors before she
got married," I said. "It's like I'm just learning about
my own family now, like doors are being opened to
rooms I never knew existed. I'm unraveling a roll of secrets
almost daily. Some of it I want to know, and some |
I wish I never knew" fe
Jadenodded. - 3"
"My mother was always reluctant to talk about any
of this, as you know. Lately, I think she has realized her
own need to get stuff out, although it's still not easy to
get her to do it I think she's also afraid of what it
might do to me. To her credit, I think she wants me to
get stronger and stronger, but she wants it to be something
we keep in our own house, in our own world."
I sat back and suddenly, I felt so tired I couldn't keep
my eyes open.
"Well." Doctor Marlowe said. "I think we should
stop. We've gone about as far as or actually even further
than I had hoped we would."
. "I guess we can each stop feeling so sorry for ourelves,"
Jadesaid.'Ts that it?"
"In a way. The most important dung is none of you
should feel alone, lost, so different you think you are
the only one who has been singled out for what happened
in your lives. There are other people, many people
who will understand.
"Each of you is special. Each of you have a great
ideal to recommend you and to make you feel good
about yourselves, "you're all attractive, intelligent
| young women and you will overcome all of this diffij
cult and sad history."
I-; "Thanks to you," Misty said.
I "No," Doctor Mariowe said looking at all of us,
|"thanks to yourselves. I'll be seeing each of you again,
^separately, but I don't dunk we're going to have to go
| on and on much longer. You've all made very signif|aant
progress. You've made the big turn," she said,
|sauling. . .
She glanced out die window.
"Look, me sun's breaking out Jade, you can get
V. C. ANDKEWS

back to that summer vacation you're supposed to be en-1
joyous" '^
"Right," she said. Then she smiled ami nodded.
"Right;' si
Doctor Marlowe stood up and we all rose. We could;
hear music coming from upstairs, something from an
opera.
"I've heard this in the school music suite," Misty ||
said. Isn't it Guami Scfacchi?"
"Yes, very good. Misty," Doctor Marlowe confirmed. ;
"TO get you tickets to our school concerts this
year," Misty told her. "It's not quite the opera, but it't
close!"
"Thank you. Emma would like thaL Good-bye, guise I
Have a good week. Until I see you all again," she added and reached out for each of us to squeeze our hands. ;
When we opened the front door, we could see that
today my mother was the first one who had arrived.
She sat impatiently, nervously. Her eyes darted toward
us and then away. I could almost see her knuckles turning
white as she clutched the steering wheel.
All three looked at her. Then Jade turned to Star.
'I guess it isn't easy for anybody," she said. Star offered
a reluctant grunt of agreement.
Doctor Marlowe closed the door behind us.
"Anybody want my phone number?" Misty asked.
'Til just take everyone's," Jade said. She smiled at
Star's look of surprise. "I'm me president of me
OWP's. I'll call you all when it's time for us to have
our first real meeting. Maybe I'll have a brunch or
CAT

She gave us her number. My mother kept giving me
looks.
"I've go to go," I said. "Thanks for being good listeners."
"I guess we can all say that to each other," Misty
said.
"You've got lhat right," Star added.
Jade fixed her eyes on my mother again and men
suddenly, she started ahead of me, toward my mother's
car.
"What's she doing?" Star asked but followed. We all
did.
Oh no, I thought, if she says something horrible...
"Hi, Mrs. Carson," she said. "You've got a very nice
daughter. Have a nice day," she added. Then she threw
me a sly smile and sauntered toward her limousine.
"That girl," Star said muttering. She looked at my
mother. "Hello," she said. "She's right See you. Cat,"
she told me and started for her grandmother's car.
"Bye," Misty said to me. "We'll see each other
again. I'll bug Jade until she does what she promised."
"Okay."
"Hi," she sang toward my mother and waved. Then
she hurried toward the waiting taxicab.
I opened the car door and got in.
"What was that all about?" my mother asked, a look
of astonishment on her face.
"I don't know. Nothing much, I guess," I said.
"How did it go in there?"
"AH right."
"Aren't you going to tell me anything?"
She still hadn't started away.

143
VC.ANDSEWS

lence. If I looked at her, she would start to rattle off or- ^
ders. telling me about things she wanted done in the ?
house and then quickly following that with a list of
things she needed to do herself. J
"He wasn't all that much help around here," she muttered
one night "I had to do most everything that concerned
this house myself anyway." I
That was her first reference to my father since I had |
returned from the final group therapy session at Doctor|
Marlowe's. I offered to be of greater help to her
she promised she would give me more to do. i
thought I could handle more responsibility.
She definitely needed more help. Every once in |
while, I would notice her stop whatever she was del
place her hand against her chest and close her eyes.!
looked like she was waiting for her heart to stall 1
ing again, r
"Are you an right. Mother?" I asked. ,
She hesitated, took a bream and nodded.
"I'm fine," she said. "As fine as I could be u
circumstances"
"Maybe you're working too hard, Mother "li
"I'm fine," she insisted and walked
quickly.
Finally, one night I came downstairs and
sitting in me living room, gazing out the wir
was in the rocker and she was moving hei
and form gently. I could see she was so
thought, she didn't even realize I had end
room, I sat across from her and waited. If
moved very slowly until she saw me and
widened and brightened.
"Haw long have you been there?" she asked.
"Just a few seconds," I said.
"I didn't hear you come in." She sighed. "Looks like
it might rain again. I think we're getting a leak in me
roof over me pantry. I'll have someone check it tomorrow."
"Mother, there was a question mat kept coming up in
my group therapy."
"What question?" she fired at me.
"A question I have bad in my wm mind for a while
now. I don't want you to get angry at me for asking it,
bat it's important to me."
"I hate questions," she muttered. "Ever since what
happened happened, that's all the world's been full of
'fto' us, questions."
"People have to have answers. Mother. I need anwers
just like anyone."
"Answers can make for unnecessary trouble. Sometimes
it's best not to ask questions," she said.
fe "No, Mother," I pursued. "It's never better to bury
your head in the sand."
|^"b that what mat doctor taught you?"
^ "No. I taught it to myself. If I had asked some quesSonsandifyouhad..."

; "All right," she said, "All right. Let's get this over
team. What question?"
J I paused and she looked away as if to make it easier
^»..
|gRBae* . , , '^ '
^gWhy did you adopt me?"
g**What?" She turned back to me. "What kind of a
r question is that?"
it's not a silly question. Mother. Was it because
V. C. ANDREWS

you lost a child and didn't want to try to have another?"
"What? Who told you I lost a chad?"
"Daddy."
"It was another one of his lies. He was just trying to
get you to feel sorry for him and blame roe for everything
wrong in this house."
"That wasn't true?" ^
"No" ^
"I thought it was. Being a mother has never been
easy for you, and I couldn't help feeling that all
time."
"Blaming me. I knew it."
"I'm not blaming you. I'm asking you to be hoi
with me. I need to know everything. I'm old enoi
now/Mother. I've been forced to grow up quickly,"
added.
She glanced my way, her eyes filling with pain.
"Why does everything have to be explained all the
time?" ^
"I have a right to know about myself. Mother. I'tt
never get better if you don't help me. It might even i
help you," I added, q
She stared at me, looked out the window and rocked.
I didn't think she would say any more. I expected I
would just go upstairs and leave her in silence as I had
done so many times before.
"My mother," she said suddenly, "got pregnant at
forty-four. It was a very big surprise to my father." She
lookedatme.
I was afraid to speak, afraid she might stop.
"Soon after she announced she was pregnant,
your father came into our lives. He was always a sly
one, looking for some opportunity. My father was
just as sly in some ways. He drew him in like a spi
der, giving him bigger and bigger investments to
handle.
"Howard proposed to me and my father... my fa
ther came to me and practically begged me to many
him. My mother left for a while and gave birds to you
and Howard and I adopted you," she said quickly. "I
guess it was all part of the deal. I guess you could say
lay father sold you and me to Howard in a neat little
inheritance-wrapped package. And don't dunk your
lather didn't throw that back at me when this all hap
pened," she added with fury in her eyes. "He threat
ened to tell everyone about your birth, our marriage.
It was pure blackmail. Otherwise, I would have seen
him put in some jail cell and had die key thrown
|away^' . ,
"My grandmother was really my mother?" I asked
incredulously.
She spun on me.
"You wanted to know everything. Now you know.
You see why God told Adam and Eve not to eat of me
| 'See of Knowledge? Sometimes, you're better off in ig
norance."
?11 stared atlier.
- "We're... sisters? Is that what you're telling me?"
She took a deep breath and looked out die window
afiam*
"Half-sisters. Toward the end of his days, my father
told me he was convinced he wasn't your father."
"Who is my father?"
V. C. ANDREWS

"I don't-know," she replied quickly, almost too
quicldy.
She turned to me. ^
"So now you know all this. Are you going to be bet? '|||
ter for it? What are you going to do with the knowtl f
edge.Cathy?" ^
"I don't know: It win take time to digest it," I sssS^y
swallowing hard. ^1
"You want my advice? Bury it That's what I did.";^|
"Did you? Did you really ever bury it or did you Nlll
itbuiyyou?"
She studied me and then her eyes narrowed.
"So, what are you going to do now? Are
going to hate me more for keeping the truth
you?"
"I don't hate yon," I said.
"Are you still going to call me Mother?"
"I don't know how I can start doing o
said.
She nodded. Then she turned and looked out^
window, -'rf
'I'm tired, Cathy," she said. "Let's let each 1
rest," she pleaded.
"Okay," I «aid and left her rocking, staring ii
night, staring back through her own troubled men
Her revelations didn't make me feel any bel
feet, they made me feel even more alone, even i
like someone just drifting. What did I have to ti
ward to now? I wondered.
I thought about the other girls. They were
that way, too. They were drifting.
Maybe we would get together someday.

Maybe we could all be friends. would that be so crazy? No, the lost little girl inside me cried. It would be wonderful! I would be like a few wild flowers who found their way into their own private garden.


Q SECRETS OP THE MORNING..,
Q TWUGHrSOBlD.
0 IF THERE BE THORNS..
0 MYSWEETAUDBMA....
0 SEEDS OF YESTERDAY.
D HEAVEN.........................
0 DABKANGEL..................
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D FALLEN HEARTS............
D GATES OP PARADISE.....
a WEB OF DREAMS...........
D DAWN.
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