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Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, 9th Floor, New 'Sock, NY 10020-1586. |,( Pbr information on how individual consumers can place orders, please write to Mail Older Department, Simon & ft Schuster me, 200 Old Tappan Road, Old Tappan,NJ 07675. ' POCKET BOOKS London Toronto Sydney Tokyo Singapow When toy grandmother drove me to Doctor Marlowe's for my second group therapy session, I satva the car for a few moments and thought, gM, just havfe her turn around and take you home. What good is it going to do you to tell your troubles to these three richwhite girls, although I did think Cathy, or Cat as Misty called her, wasn't as well-to-do as Misty and Jade seem to be. As we drove into Doctor Mariowe's driveway, I saw Jade's chauffeured limousine pull away, so I knew I wasn't me first to amve. I couldn't help wondering if Cat was coming back. The whole time Misty talked yesterday, Cathy the cat looked like she was sitting on a cold, wet park bench, ready to leap off and scoot into a dark alley the first chance she got. She sighed and squirmed and looked at the ceiling V. C. ANDKEWS and the floor, everywhere but at us or at Doctor Marlowe. I think if she could have crawled under her seat, she would have. My story wasn't at all like Misty's. It wasn't about spoiled rich boys and big houses with ballrooms and such. I wasn't going to complain about all the meaningless toys and dolls and clothes I was given. What I was given probably wouldn't fill a corner in one of their rooms anyway. And I wasn't going to describe parents who couldn't see eye to eye about their egos. The last thing my momma worried about was her makeup, her complexion, and whether or not her hair and clothes were in style. I couldn't even begin to imagine Daddy going to fancy gyms and wearing expensive sweat suits. If Cathy the cat thought Misty's descriptions of what she called a hard life were hard to swallow, she'd surely choke to death in Doctor Marlowe's office once I began telling about my life. The thing is, did I want to begin? What were these girls going to tell me about me and my troubles mat I didn't already know myself, huh? What did Doctor Marlowe expect out of us? I couldn't tell Misty anything mat would help her yesterday. She wouldn't be able to tell me anything that would help me today. And that Jade... I was sure she'd be sitting there with her nose pointed at the ceiling, refusing to lower herself to look my way. I bet she'd make me 'feel like she was doing me a favor just-staying in the room while I talked. I had tossed and turned and fretted about it quite a while last night, worried they might laugh at me or a . '^WS, : : .r think my story was beneath them. I didn'twant to go in there and have to look at their smiles of ridicule. Granny looked at me, surprised at my hesitation. "What do you plan ongoing. Star, just sitting there in the car all morning? You know I got chores to run." "Coming here is a waste of dme. Granny." I looked at her. "ft is!" "Yeah, well the doctors and the judge don't think so and that's what counts here. Star, so you just better get on in there. I can't abide any more trouble. Not with this old heart ticking down like some tired old grandfather clock,"she said. Granny knew that was all she had to say to get me to do what she wanted. There was nothing I feared more for myself and my brother Rodney than her having another heart attack. She was the only one left in the world who cared about us and loved us, and she was the only one we cared to love. .,. :;; ; ;^r I opened the car door and started to slide (Kit; "Okay," she sang to the front window, "I guess there's no sugar for me this morning." I shook my head and leaned over to give her a Isxss on her plump right cheek- Then she grabbed my band as I turned away and held it so tightly it sent a shiver down me bone and into my spine. Her face was like one of her pieces of antique china, full of tiny cracks, still beautiful, but on the verge of shattering the moment it was tapped a bit too hard. , Granny and I had the same eyes, only hers were just a bit founder and somehow soil lit up with hope more often man mine. However, this rooming her eyes were full of worry, making them look heavy, so 8 VC.ANDSSWS heavy she looked like she wanted to just close them and lay her head back on that double down pillow she claimed was full of good dreams. How I wished I had a pillow like that Granny had had so many troubles in her life, troubles she had boned so deeply in her mountain of memories, I never even knew about them. She didn't want me to know. If I asked her too many questions about her own youth and her own hardships, she would just shake her head and say, "You don't need to feed the hatred living in your heart anything extra, Star. Your momma and daddy done enough to provide it with a feast that's kept it too fat as it is." "What is it. Granny?" I asked as she squeezed my hand. : .'' ': .:' "You give Doctor Marlowe a chance to help you, Star. Don't shut up all me doors and windows, child, like you done so many times before. You're too young to become someone's lost cause, hear? Your momma likes to wear them shoes, but you kick *em off." "Yes, Granny," I said smiling. If I had inherited just a small piece of that steel spine of hers, I would surely make it through all the rain and wind on me road ahead of me, I thought, and there was plenty still to come. She let go and I continued out of the car. "And don't took down on those other girls just because their families got some money," she warned me. I shook my head at her. ''What do you know about people with money, Granny? Yott haven't ever had any rich friends to complain about, have you?" -ysig^it','^- "Never mind your smart mouth, child. I don't have to have rich friends to know having tots of money doesn't mean you don't need any sympathy and a helping hand. Those other girls wouldn't be here otherwise, would they?" shejxmited out. She was a smart one, my Granny. I guess something could be said for the school of hardship, too. Granny could be the valedictorian of that school and graduate with honors, I thought, not that it was something anyone would want or be proud of, especially Granny. . . "Okay, Mrs. Anthony^ I said. Whenever I called tier by her name, she knew I was teasing hex. "You hold your tongue in there, child, and be civil, hear?" she warned me firmly. ; ; ;;, , , "Yes, Granny" / . , ' .: ,. /,,j,^;3 'TO be back the same time asyesterday," sae said md started away. ^ -.,,;; ...^[-..r i'^-s:.;v J ::ws.. I watched her drive off, a little old lady, not more than five feet four inches tall with shoulders still cfr' pable of holding up the responsibilities my much younger mother couldn't .tolerate. Granny still had alentyofgritand walked proudly with her head high. Granny always kept her smoke-gray hair brushed >ack and tied neatly in a bun. She wore just a touch of lipstick, but no other makeup, ever. Her eyeglasses ivere really the only frilly thing she permitted in her life. They were fashioned like expensive designer classes with dark frames. It gave her just enough of a :ouch of style to make hercomfortabte with her pubic appearances, and she loved it when her older men Tiends kidded her and called her Miss America. She^ VGA/SDKS^ ho- sixt^'01"® a very pretty wonian She didn't look pointeM^^t yea", despite the tensions and disapchurcog^'ln ner life. Granny wasn't ^ much ofa faith in n^ as ""osl of her friends, ^m she had a deep everlasti^ goodness of people and ^ promise of an In her n^P8"^ at the end of ^ difficult jouotev she put ^there were ^y8 People worse off. and soniCT fx?H6? her strength ^ energy into feeling nothing stj""" than she did for herself. There ^as than to ^J^ me that was more important to her "^ "SS;^ie and avoid ^^-Pity. She said it was chained t^ ^ around your 00^ keeping you self up w^^ster and defeat. Instead, you pick your- it's time ^n you get set back some and move on uniii advised. ^ and put your trust m the Lord," she Maybe y thought I osed to rainall day m Log Angeles and thiekenins ^.«e^e bowing in 6001 the northwest and them Mke ^dly as the hands of the wind molded looked daq"^ Doctor Marlowe's large ludor house It was a v^.m® windows reflecting me gray sides beea in. a^ "'S "oase. the higgesi house I had ever hoods in Biw.06''® m one of the Wealthiest neighbor- "*twood,too. 4S There was nothing to reveal that Doctor Marlowe's house was a place where she treated patients, or clients, as they liked to call: us. I guess that was deliberate. Doctor Marlowe certainly didn't want us to feel like freaks or anything. She wanted us all to be relaxed like people just visiting, but I had no other reason to come to this part of thfe city where so many rich people lived, no other reason than supposedly getting my head put back on straight. However, no matter what me courts and the schools and the other doctors had said, I still didn't believe in the value of coming here even mough Doctor Marlowe used words as her medicines. She prescribed different ways of thinking about things, used questions the way other doctors used X-rays and always tried to turn your eyes around so you were looking into yourself instead of at her. ;".^ :^"^. .,';^-,< "Do you see your mother much anymore?" Misty asked. , ,, ^'^1:;;,^^^»; "No. FU talk about all that when they ^gtuna^ I said. "Otherwise I'll just be repeating myself and these things aren't things I like to talk about, much less repeat" . She nodded. They were both quiet for a moment but I could see Jade's mind working. "It's not really my business," she said softly, "but under the circumstances, how can your grandmother afford Doctor Marlowe? I mean, I know what it's costing my parents," she added, looking to Misty. who nodded. "The court told some agency to pay for it I don't know all the details, but no one asks me or my granny ?"ii:^^»1^ ^^^N^S^SS^.^'lS.atS®^! V. C. ANDSEWS for any money. If they did, I wouldn't come back. That's for sure. We got better places for Granny's money." They bothlooked sorry for me. "Don't worry about me," I told them sharply. "I'm not looking for anyone's pity or charity and I'd really rather notcome here, but I got to." They both nodded, trying not to look too sympathetic so I wouldn't get mad at them. Cat returned first andavoided my eyes. "You look nice today" Misty told her. "You oughta cut your bangs, though." "You have split ends, too," Jade told her. "Where do you go to get your hair done?" "My mother does my hair,''Catsaid. "So, just tell her to trim it more," Misty saidwitha shrug. She ain't so bad, I thought. At least she don't seem as stuck up. Doctor Mariowe set me tray with a Jug of ice water and glasses on the table. Tve got a surprise for you all today,"; she said. "Since we started a little later this morning, I decided it would be nice if we had a real lunch break, so I'm having some pizzas brobght in." "Maybe I won't take that long," I suggested. "Then Jade win get started," Doctor Marlowe quickly replied. Cat looked relieved knowing she didn't have to be next. When her turn came, she would definitely fail to show up, I thought Doctor Marlowe poured everyone a glass of water. Then she nodded at me to continue. 82 "When I was nearly nine years old. Momma got pregnant again," I said. "I thought she was never going to have another baby; She had kept from getting pregnant for a long time. I didn't know it until much later, bat Momma had been pregnant before. She had lost a baby when I was only two, lost it in our bathtub" The three of them froze in anticipation of me describing how. I thought about it for a few moments and decided not to. When I talked about the next pregnancy instead, they looked very relieved. It almost made me laugh out loud. I was beginning to enjoy the grimaces, looks of shock and disgust on theirfaces. Doctor Marlowe could see that in my face,toff. She gave me a look that told me so and I wiped the smug smile off my face quickly. ^ 'J i^wA.- "For a little while after my momma became pregnant, things settled down in our house. Momma actually cut back on her drinking because the doctor told her she could hurt the baby. She dai a betterjob of cleaning our house. She cooked again and Daddy got more work. We had a little money and did some nice things together, like taking trips to Magic Mountain and once to Knott's Berry Farm. We went to visit Daddy's cousin Leonard in San Diego, too, and went tothezoo. ' -" " ^ : '' :' 1 "Momma was pretty big by this time. Sometimes, Rodney would kick in her stomach and she'd call me to put my hand on it and feel him. We didn't know it was a boy yet, but I got sol was excited someone was coming. I thought it would be fun to have a little baby V C. ANDSEWS in the house and to help look after him or her. Little did I know just how much looking after I would eventually have to do." "A lot?'Misty asked. I stared at her for a moment. "Sometimes, I thought he thought I was his mother instead of his sister." "Terrible," Jade said. "Putting that sort of responsibility on you when you were so young." "Yeah, weB, what you have to do, you do unless you got all kinds of servants to do it for you," I told her. She looked away. "When Momma was about in her seventh month, Daddy got laid off again and we had to watch every penny. Momma just hated that It made her more wasteful just for spite. I guess it was her way of telling Daddy he'd better find new work soon. She wasn't going to deny herself anything, especially her cigarettes or occasional beer. "One night soon after, while Daddy was trying to find some wodc, she went to One-Eyed Bill's. When he came home and found she was gone, he went into a rage and this time he didn't send me to go fetch her. After all, she was pregnant and she wasn't supposed to be drinking, so be went himself, nearly lipping the door off its hinges when he charged out of our apartment "At One-Eyed Bill's he hit a man who came between him and Momma and the police had to come. I'll never forget that," I said and looked down at the floor. The memory put ice around my heart for a moment 24 "I was just sitting in die living room watching television and looking at the door every once in a while, terrified of what Momma was going to be like coming through it when I heard a knock and men saw a policewoman and a policeman. The policewoman was black. "She knew my name and all and told me she had come to be sure I was all right. Daddy bad told her I was here. She said I'd have to go with them for a while and I shook my head and Started to cry. I even tried to run away from mem, but they caught me and made me go with them to the police station. I remember thinking I'm being arrested for being Momma's daughter because she was so bad." I looked up. The three girls were staring at me, none of them taking a breath. 0 "They kept me in a room and gave me hot chocolate and cookies white they waned to see what was^ going to happen to Daddy and Momma. She bad torn up some of me bar, too, but One-Eyed Bill didn't press any charges and Daddy was released pending a court appearance. The other man didn't show up and they dropped all me charges against Daddy, but it was enough to put a little scare into Momma. "She behaved herself for quite a while afterward and then Rodney was born in me bathroom." "What did you say?" Jade immediately asked. Her head spun around at me so fast, I thought it might keep going around and around on her neck. "Daddy wasn't home," I continued, ignoring her. 'It was die middle of the afternoon. I had just come back from school. I was in the fifth grade by men. I V. C. ANDREWS came into the apartment and called for Momma like always, only she didn't call back. I looked for her in her bedroom and I saw she wasn't mere. Then I heard her scream and I ran to the bathroom. "She was on the floor and I could see the baby coming. The sight nailed my feet to the floor. She was yelling for me to .go get help, to call nine-one-one. I started crying. I couldn't help it and she kept screaming and yelling at me. Finally, I went to me phone and called and told the operator my momma was having a baby on the bathroom floor. I gave her our address and hung up. Then I heard Rodney ay and when I looked back in the bathroom. Momma had him on her stomach, but mere was blood and me afterbirth and.." "Oh, say God, do we have to listen to mis?" Jade cried with her mouth twisting into a grimace of disgust Cathy looked a shade whiter than milk. Misty sat with her eyes wide, her mouth dropped so that I could practically see what she had for breakfast "I don't want you to be upset. Jade, but you should know what Star's life is really like and when your turn comes, you shouldn't hold anything back for fear of upsetting the others either." "Like I have something that gross to tell," Jade replied, swinging those green eyes toward me ceiling. "What might not be as disagreeable to you, could betoStat", X|fci»tease" ... "^^don't you put your fingers in your ears?*' I told|»efe . ..... , . . . She looked like she was going to say something back, but held off. "Just finish describing what happened. Star," Doc tor Mariowe commanded. ; , "She asked me to fetch her a towel and I did and then I got some hot water for her and we waited. The paramedics came and finished off Rodney's birth, but they took them both to the hospital just the same. Granny came to be with me and finally Daddy showed up and saw Rodney and Momma. She was all tight, hut mad as hell at him for not being there. They had anoth er argument in the hospital. Daddy defending himself for being out looking for a job and Momma screaming about how she almost died giving birth to his son. "Right from die start, she made it sound like Rod ney was only his and she was just delivering him. That way she blamed Daddy foe all the work and all the problems, starting right then and there. The nurse had to ask them to stop yelling. ,. :• . ; "Momma and Rodney stayed only that night I went home with Granny and she brought me back die next day. It was one thing to see Rodney behind that win dow in the hospital, but quite another to see him in his little crib beside Momma and Daddy's bed. I thought the sight of him was a wonder. His head didn't look much bigger than one of my rubber balls and when he cried, he lifted his small, puffy arms and waved his tiny fists in the air like he was looking lor someone or something to punch. I stood there for long periods of time watching him breathe and then wake up and scream, taking a breath and then throwing out this shrill little cry. V.C.AJSDKEWS "The only thing that seemed to quiet him wa Momma putting his mouth on her nipple." "Oh, my God," Jade muttered, but both Catfay an Misty looked fascinated. "Ale you going to describ breast-feeding in great detail?" "Scare you?" I fired back at her. "It doesn't scare me, but I'm not going to do it." "My mother dida't do it," Misty said. "She Aai read where it could scar her breast and she could los shape. What about your mother?" she asked Cathy. Cat shook her head vigorously. TxloiBt know," she said ina voice just above , whisper. '. . '' ^:; '' '-^-'-1 ' "yob oever asked?" Mistypursued. INb," she said. She looked like she would get u] and run out of the room if Misty didn't stop. "It's a natural thing to be curious about," Mist muttered, not wanting to look bad for asking. "It's not necessary to know," Jade insisted. "If likehearing about someone's bowel movements" ^fcteDbtl" "I hope that's not next," Jade muttered withou lookingatme. "Iguess we blow where her hang-ups are," Mist said.-'.-'-! - - ^^ - . - . -- ; "You don't know anythingabout me!" Jade cried "What right do you have to judge me?" "Giris," Doctor Mariowe said calmly, "mis is no going to be productive if you don't show each other « feast a minimum of respect No one here has had I easy, but if you don't give each other a chance to hi as open as possible, you won't help each other" i S8 STAR Jade didn't look convinced, but she relaxed in her seat and Misty looked sorry. "From the way my granny talked about a new baby, I always thought we would become a happy family when Rodney was born, but Momma only complained about our lives more and more. Daddy got new work, but now he was never making enough money for us. When they argued and shouted at each other, I heard her blame him for Rodney all the time, claiming he was the one who wanted a son. She talked like she didn't want him and when I looked at my little brother, I couldn't imagine anyone, least of all his own momma, not wanting him. "He was a colicky baby. Nothing seemed to help. He did cry a lot and Momma would rage about the apartment, complaining that the doctor didn't know nothing and she would go mad. She made Daddy get up with Rodney every night, no matter how eariy in the mom- ing he had to go to work. When she saw I could help, really help, could hold Rodney safely, get him to drink his bottle and rock him to steep, even if it was only for a little while, she started to keep me home &om school more often. She did it so much, the school truant officer came by and when he saw I wasn't really sick, he threatened the school would take Momma to court and may be take me away from her. "I heard her mumble, 'Take them both.' "Maybe she said it because die was frustrated and tired, but it hurt to hear it It felt like it burned into my brain. I thought it might really happen, too. I had trouble sleeping and every time someone; came tor our door, my heart would race for fear it was someone to S9 vc^j/wasEws come take both Rodney and me away and put us in some institution. . r "Granny eaittfe by often as she could, but she and Momma got into arguments about me way Momma kept the house and how she took care of Rodney. She knew Momma wasstarting to drink again, too. "By this time. Momma was hiding booze all over the house. She was drinking vodka because it didn't smell as bad and she had it in shampoo bottles and even in a hot water bag she kept in the closet For months and months. Daddy didn't discover it, but soon she became sloppy about hiding itand he would find a glass of orange juice or cranberry juice and taste it and know she had vodka in it "When he complained, she screamed about how hard her life was with two children to look after, one being a twen^-foup-nour responsibility. Of course, she brought up money problems continually, and then he would accuse her of wasting what little we had on her booze habit She claimed it was me only thing keeping her sane and he said if she was sane, then he didn't know what crazy meant anymore. "I'd come home from school and find Rodney lying these in unchanged diapers. From the rashes and irritation on his legs and little behind, I knew he had been like that almost all day. Of course, that made him scream and cry more which sent Momma to me bottle more. She got so she could sleep right through him wailing away. I guess she was really more passed out than sleeping. I'd find her everywhere like mat, even on the floor in her bedroom sometimes." "Sheshould have been locked up," Jade said. I stared at her for a long moment and then I looked out the window at the drizzle that had begun. Maybe Jade was right, but it hurt to have someone else say it. There were lots of worse things in life that could and maybe would happen to us, but hating your own mother had to be at the top of the list. "She's right," I told Doctor Marlowe, "but I don't want her to be." "I know," she said softly. "That's why you're all here: to find an alternative to hate." "Why do we need to?" Misty asked with that little sarcastic turn in her lips. "Because I think you all know by now, mat you can't hate your parents without hating yourselves." No one had to agree out loud. We could just look into each other's eyes and see that Doctor Marlowe was right ' ''''/--''' ;^^:"'..; 2 When Rodney began to crawl and then stand, tilings got worse because he was a curious baby from Ae start and he would get into places and things in a flash. One afternoon, I came home and found Momma had left him alone while she went out to get herself a couple of six-packs of beer. I guess he was asleep when she had left and she thought he'd be all right I didn't know it, but she had left him alone many times before and once when she was with a girlfriend, Maggie Coster, they had left him in Maggie's car and a policeman had seen it and nearly arrested her. "Anyway, this tune Rodney woke up. crawled out of the cot-bed we now had for him and went looking for her. He wandered into the bathroom where Momma had left some of his rubber toys in me tub. There wasn't any water m the tub or he'd'a drowned for sine because he managed to fall into it when he tried to get to his toys. He hit his bead on die faucet, I suppose. At first I thought Momma had taken him oat with her because it was so quiet, but when I walked into the bathroom, I nearly jumped out of my skin. There he was lying on his back very still, his eyes wild and full of terror. I found out later that a head wound usually bleeds a lot, but at the tune it turned my heart to stone. I saw all the blood around his head and I started screaming. I was familiar with calling nine-oae-one by now. I told me operator my little brother had fallen and put a hole in his head. It didn't turn out to be that bad, but he did need ten stitches. "The paramedics were there before Momma re turned. She met one of her barfly friends who had talked her into just one drink at One-Eyed Bill's and she just forgot how much time went by, I imagine. "The paramedics took him to me hospital emer gency room where me doctor sewed up Rodney's wound. The paramedics wanted to know everything while a policeman went to fetch Momma. I had to tell them what had happened and they looked at each other angrily. When Momma arrived, she was fit to be tied that I had called diem because they pulled her aside and gave her a what-for that spun her eyes. They threatened to ten the police and have someone from the Child Protection Service on her back if she let something like this happen again. They even told her she could go to jail for endangering the life of an in fant "After we all got brought home. Momma started on VC. ANDREWS me. Daddy came home right in the middle of it, saw Rodney and heard enough bits and pieces to realize what had occurred. I guess he knew about some of the other times, but he didn't get as wildly angry as I had expected he would. "Instead, he got all quiet, this strange mood coming over him as if he was a clam or something and just closed up his shell. He looked at me and at Rodney and just sat with his eyes glazed while Momma went on and on like a worn CD, repeating bar samecomplaints and trying to excuse herself. " 'Who do they think they are tolling me I'm not a good mother just because I stepped out for a moment? Huh? Who knew he'd get up and walk himself into me bathroom and fall into the tub, huh? I'm no fortune teller. I was coming right back. He was asleep. Who do they think they are reading me the riot act, huh? " 'Why are you just sitting there staring into space like that, Kenny? What's this act supposed to be. You trying to make me feel bad? You know what it's like being stuck here with an infant all day? I'm talking to you. I'm looking at you and I'm talking to you.' "Daddy said nothing. Sdll looking dazed, he just got up suddenly and walked out of the apartment Momma stood mere with her hands on her hips, her mouth wide and her eyes blazing. He closed the door softly behind him. "She turned to me and said, 'Did you see mat? Did you?' :; ,^'- ;; "My heart was thumping like a parade drum. I couldn't speak or swallow. 34 " 'Of all the raw nerve .^WeH, good riddance to you too!' she screamed at the doco. Tien she opened it, stuck her head out in the hallway and screamed it again, but he was already out of the building. "I saw my daddy oaSy once after that" "Saw him only once? What do you mean? Your far ther just left you and Rodney for good?" Jade asked, practically jumping out of her seat It was funny, but while I was telling mem about it all, I really did foiget they were (here. Something like this had happened before, of course, but usually only with Doctor Mariowe. My memories would get so thick, they'd block out the present, where I'was and what I was doing. I felt like I had-fallen back add I was really mere again. Momma's angry face was so vivid in my mind, those eyes bloodshot, her mouth twisted and her shoulders hoisted making her look like some kind of wild bird about to pounce, w^p?: Whenever she went into her ranting, my stomach would close like a fist and my breath would catch to my throat, making me feel as though I could choke on air. Retelling these bad times put me back into mat state of mind and I wouldn'tsnap out of it until my lungs screamed. I'd blink a lot and realize where I was and I'd be grateful I wasn't back then. That's how I felt now when Jade blurted her ques tion at me. I looked at her for a few moments without realizing who she was and where I was. Her face got all twisted with confusion. "Why doesn't she answer me. Doctor Mariowe? Why is she just staring at me like mat?" I heard her ask. . . •• • . . . , • '.• V.C. ANDREWS .. Mariowe said. "Star7* [iname, I thought. I heaid her; but she was at the other end of a long tun- SSuSsfweT Misty said. "She looks sa'i' ~.;t-; ; ' ;aH right, girls. Relax. Don't let her feel .Site; honey?' ^^SBieattAg^-QraBny was calling. "You got to go :^l^^te, or they -won't let you stay here with ^^att know what that judge told us. Get up now, aoaey.C'mon, child. Wake up. Your eyes are open, ,^B?'Wflae^P^' -- - . : . ?il,fefca»ybottyshalBe. "Starj «Hnft on. You're not there; you're here," Doctor Marlowe said. My face felt cool. She was dabbing me with a wet napkin. "That's it You'B be fine. Star. Come on. Stay with -us".- "I 1- , ' ' 1 '- : ' She took my hand and squeezed it gently. My eyelids were fluttering like butterflies in a panic and men they slowed and I looked into Doctor Mariowe's eyes. They were moving over my face like two tiny searchlights. She smiled. "There you are. Yon're fine." she said. I looked at the others. They were all staring at me, each of them looking more shocked andafraid than the other, ^i "What is it?" I asked. | "Noflung. You drifted off a bit," Doctor MarioweJ said. It's no big deal. No problem. You're fine. Heie»| take some water," she said offering me my glass. I sippedsome and took a deep breath. "I forgot what I was saying," I said. My memories were jumbled like a can of alphabet soup. Doctor Mariowe smiled and sat back. "Well, you were telling us about the time your father got up and walked out of the house," she said. She made it sound as if it was just another part of die story, nothing terribly serious. Her voice had a cauning effect Inodded, "He didn't say good-bye to me or nothing," I muttered. , "Thafs right," Doctor Marlowe said as if she had been there with me. .,; I looked at her and realized in away she had because I had told bet about this before, niany times before, and I always had trouble going on after tfaat.: The others were still staring at me, their eyes so.un- moving they could have been glass. ;_, :; .-w j? "Why're you all looking at me Iflae Jhat^ I snapped. Jade smirked. ; "She's fine," she said and sat back. "She can go on and on,"she added. "It's not that easy," Misty said. "Just because I did it yesterday, doesn't mean it was simple and it will be simple for you or far her or for Cat." "Don't tell me how it's going to be for me," Jade fired back at her, , ; "I'm just trying to be..." "What? Another Doctor Mariowe? One's enough," Jade quipped and turned away. V. C. ANDREWS "Well. At least we're not boring each other," Doctor Marlowe said. Jade made some sound under her breath. Cat looked from one of us to the other, her eyes still full of tenor. 'Try to go on. Star," Doctor Mariowe urged. "Tell them me rest of it," she urged as if it was more important for them to hear it than for me to get it out Jade turned her head slowly toward me to see what I was going to do. Almost for spite, I continued. "I just saw him once after that time. I didn't speak to him. I was on my way home from school. It was just starting to rain and I saw him come out of our apartment building carrying some of his things and walking quickly toward his truck. I sped up and called to him. I know he heard me because I saw him slow down even though he didn't turn his head. He looked down at the sidewalk and then sped up again until he reached his truck. 'I was running by now, thinking maybe he didn't realize it was me calling to him, but I couldn't get to him before he started the truck and pulled away from me curb. With all my might, I shouted. " 'Daddy! Daddy!' I stopped when my lungs were ready to burst, my ribs aching, and I watched me truck go down to the next corner, turn and disappear. The rain came down harder and harder so I had to go inside. You couldn't tell the difference between my tears and the raindrops streaking down my face." "What happened to him? Where did he go?" Misty asked, her eyebrows knitted with concern. "Momma heard Stones that he was with another woman and he went north to San Francisco, but I S8 /er knew iftits stories were just some gossip or iat" : .'^--i-- .-. ..---.., .-. -- , Your father just picked up and deserted you and iir brother? Thafs whary@o're telling us?" Jade :ed, still sounding skeptical. He wasn't the first husband and Daddy to do (hat," rid her. I looked at them. "Your parents deserted i, too. Tlicy just did it more respectfully or, what J did you use yesterday. Misty, civilly? Some- like that anyway,"I said. Isn't that against the law?" Jade asked Doctor riowe. "What her rather did?" 'Well, Star's father would be what we call a dead- it dad and yes, what he's done is against the law" replied. There's evena federal law against that v" I - ----- ^^----^^ Did your mother haw hatt arrested?'* Jade fci'ed. . ' --"^ '." - ^..^'^'sv.^r^^.fsisfsX.-: She went down to welfare and reported her shua- i so she could get some money, but it didn'tget pat he top of anyone's list. It wasn't exactty what you ildcall a high priority/'Isaid. Men are creeps," Jade muttered. My momma ain't exactly an angel," I told her. Her browslifted. What happened to her?" Why don't you give her a chance to tell it her own "I' Misty asked Jade. I'm sorry," she said. "It just makes me... mad." widened my eyes. ft doesn't exactly put joy in my heart eimer," I V.C. ANDREWS Jade's lips stretched into a tight smile. Damned if I didn't know whether I should hate her or like her. "Momma didn't realize Daddy was gone for good that first night he walked out on us, of course. She made us some supper and sat drinking her beer all night and watching television. I put Rodney to bed. He was groggy and tired from his ordeal, but he was still in some pain. The paramedics had instructed us to give him some Tyienol, which I did. I sang a little to him and his eyes slowly closed. "After be had fallen asleep, I went out and sat with Momma and watched television awhile, hoping Daddy would come home while I was still up, but he didn't. Finally, exhausted myself, I went to sleep. "As soon as my eyes snapped open the next morning, I hopped out of bed and looked in on Momma and Daddy's bedroom, expecting to see his long, lanky body stretched over the comforter, his arm dangling over the side as usual. He usually ended up on the cover instead of under it "Momma had fallen asleep with her clothes still on and was spread-eagle, alone, breathing through her mouth and looking like she had been put into a trance. Rodney, who still slept next to them on his cot-bed, was sitting up, playing quietiy with one of his toys. He looked happy when he saw me looking in on him. "My heart felt like a Yo-Yo whose string had broken. All night it had gone up and down with every sound in the building mat suggested Daddy's return. Now, it was clear he hadn't come back and I was sick with fear. , "I took Rodney into the living room and fixed him; 40 some breakfast Momma woke up looking dazed and confused as usual after a night of drinking. She was surprised to see Daddy hadn't returned, too. "Whea^d Daddy gor I asked her. " 'How would I taow?Who cares?' she said, but it bothered her when he didn't return the next day. She got on the phone and complained to Granny and then two days after Oat, she started to call some of Daddy's friends and I guess she found out he had left Los Angeles. That was when she went to welfare and cried about our situation. "For a long time, I expected Daddy would come back, even after I saw him mat test time and he hurried away from me. I never told Momma I had seen him. I knew it would just make her wild and angry and after a white, I began to wonder if I had realty seen him or just imagined it out of hope. Whenever the phone rang, I hoped it was him caffing/but it never was. Momma was so furious she would swear she wasn't going to take him back if be did show up, but I knew in my heart she would. "Granny started to spend mole time with us soon after all that. She lives in Venice Beach soft was a ftip for her. When I would go tosee her, I'd have to ride me Big Blue Bus for nearly two hours to make the right connections and you know the buses don't run mat often" I glanced at them. "Well, you giris probably don't know 'cause you probably never been on a Big Blue Bus in Los Angeles, have you?" "I have." Cat blurted. She looked like she had con V C. ANDREWS fessed to a crime or something. "My mother didn't know I did, bet I did," she added. ; "How'd you like it?" I asked her. "It was all right," she said. "Nobody ^bothered me." "Why should they? Just because someone don't have enough money to have his or her own car don't mean they're rapists and serial killers, you know." "I was just scared? she said. She said it with such honesty, I couldn't harden my heart against her for it "Yeah, well, I've been scared on the bus too," I admitted, "especially at mght "8ut I oftenhad to ride it then because I would have stayed at Granny's too long and I didn't want her to have to drive me home in the dark. Her eyes weren'tso good back then and they are even worse mow. '^.i '. ' .-' : : . / I , "I got so I ran to Granny every so often because I couldn'tstand coming home from school and finding Momma drinking, Rodney still in his pajamas, and the house looking like ten slabs, lived in it Granny knew why I showed op at her house in the afternoon from time to time, but she didn't harp on it She had tried and tried with Momma and finally just threw up her hands and declared, 'My Aretha's just one of those people who have to decide to help themselves because they won't let anyone else do it . " 'Your momma will wake up facedown in the gut| ter one day and maybe men she'll decide to do some-J thing about herself,'Granny told me. .| "She told it to me so often, I began to wish for i^l wish I would come home and find Momma rock bottom sooner than later, bat that's how it was and I'm not ashamed of praying for it. 'That's rigtrt," I said glaring at them before they could igasp or ask some stupid question, "I did pray for it I went tosleep asking God to send my momma close to hell as soon asHe had the opportunity. "So yes, I did get so I hated her. At times it was like a rat of hatred was gnawing at my heart. I probably with always hate hef,"-! declared firm^. No one said a word. It was w if we were all in freeze-frame, not a movement, not even ibe sound of anyone breathing. - ? ; 1 ?. "Not having Daddy home even once is a while was like taking a leash off a dog as far as Momma was concerned. She didn't have to worry about him coming back from work and not finding acr in the faoase. She didn't care what the house looked like either, since he wasn't there to criticize and complain. At first, it was like her way of getting even with him for leaving her. I could almost hear her say, 'He thought I was a no-good drunk slob before? Well, he should see menow.' - . ': <. ,,,.., .,:^,,, .; ^y "I stayed home from school even more because after I saw to Rodney, it wasoften verylate in the morning and I'd have missed the first two classes by the time I got there. , "Then Momma went and did (heworst thing of all: she got herself a night job at One-Eyed Bill's wait- ressing and helping out in the kitchen. : "By then I was able to make dinner for Rodney aad me, and I cleaned the house and did most aB the V.C. ANDREWS chores. That's why! told you earlier that it got so my little brother didn't know who was his mother and who was his sister. "Momma was supposed to always be borne by one o'clock, but there were many nights when I know she didn't come home undl three or four. She'd be so dead out of it in me morning, I could drop a frying pan next to her bed and she wouldn't as much as bat an eyelash. Lots of nights she was too drunk or tired to bother getting out of her clothes. She smelled so bad Horn beer and whiskey, me whole bedroom reeked like a One-Eyed Bill's. The stench would reach through the walls into my room. I'd have to open all the windows in the place." "Ugh," Misty said holding her stomach. Jade swallowed hard and turned away for a moment, pressing die back of her hand against her moath. I Couldn't blame them. "You get used to it," I mattered. "You'd never dream you would, but you do. There ain't much else you can do, but turn the other way most of the time." 'I understand," Cat said in a quivering small voice. She was holding her attention on me. "You do? That's good, because I don't," I said. She just continued to stare, but I felt she was looking at| her own memories now, not mine. After a moment she| seemed to snap out of it and look down again. "Granny came by often to help out and occasionallyfl mate us a real good dinner" I continued. "She seadM Momma had some big fights, but Momma would wSU and claim she was doing the best she could, deserted bjH a husband and left with two kids to raise and support. 44 " 'Why do you think that man left you?' Granny would ask her and that would be the same as lighting that wick again. Momma would go wild, her arms and legs and even her head swinging so hard, I thought they might just fly off her body and bounce against the wall along with her screams. " 'How can my own mother blame me for that rotten man? Why is it always my fault? He was the one who made all them promises, wasn't he? I did me best I could with the little money he brought us. Lots a times he brought us nothin' because he was out of work so much. It's no loss him being' gone/no ma'am.' "On and on she would go and I'd listen and wonder if she really believed the things she said. Maybe her eyes saw differently. Maybe she was just a step or two off-center and her world was running on a diffeieot track, you know. She always looked so satisfied with herself after one of those explosions of temper, like she had made important points and shut everyone up. That's when I began to understand what was meant when someone said 'You're only fooling yomsetf.' Momma really was fooling herself . She truly believed she was the victim and not us, not even me and Rodney. We were.. .just unfortunate enough to be born. "Like I said, I guess no matter what your life is like, you can get used to it and just accept things as they are. Of course, I knew other girls my age didn't have this kind of life. Oh, they helped out with their little brothers and sisters, but their little brothers and sisters didn't become their children. They still thought about boys and parties and going to the movies and V. a ANDREWS having fun. I couldn't think of anything Without thinking about Rodney being a part of it I didn't have a night off, so to speak," I said. "I was afraid of bringing anyone to my house. I didn't want my friends at school to know just how bad things were for me and for Rodney. "Then," I said, taking a sip of water and thinking for a moment,"then I got so I could live through their stories. Their lives became my life. It was easier to pretend, to imagine my name was Lily Porter or Char- lene Davis and in my mind go home to their houses and live with (heirfamilies. "You're all looking at me like I was crazy. Well, maybe I was for a white. Doctor Marlowe says I'm not crazy now." "No one's crazy here. Star. It's an inappropriate word, a meaningless word," she said. "Yeah, maybe, but I sure wasn't in my right mind. I did some things," I said. After a moment, I added, "Things I haven't even told you yet. Doctor Marlowe. "Whenever I met someone who didn't know me, for example, I would give them a phony name, one of the names of me giris I envied and I would talk like I was Lily Porter or Chariene Davis, describing their homes and their families as if they really were mine. "A couple of times, I went to Chariene Davis's, house, walked right up to the door, pretending I was coming home. One time, I nearly got caught doing it.; Her sister Lori came up behind me without me know! ing and asked me what I was doing. "I " 'I was just going to see if your sister was home,*| said. She looked at me sideways because she knew 3 knew her sister was on the cheerieading team and would be at practice. I made believe I forgot and walked away quickly. WhenChariene asked me about it the next day, I said I was just in her neighborhood and had to kill seme time. She didn't believe me. They all started looking at me as if I was funny. "I couldn't help it I wanted their lives so much I'd follow their mothers around a supermarket, pretending I was with them, buying food. "You think I was pretty pathetic, don't you?" I asked Jade. "No," she said. "Really" she added, when I looked skeptical. "I can understand not wanting to be who you are. I've felt like mat lots of times." "Me too" Misty said. "Yes," Cat said. "Me too." She looked like she meant it more than any of us. How could her story be worse than mine? I wondeFeS. i ^ ' -^! "There's more," I said, now willing to teffi it aU. "One tune I hurt my ankle in gym class and the teacher sent me back to me locker room to get dressed. I noticed Charlene's locker was unlocked and I opened it and took her blouse" "Why?" Jade asked with a grimace. 'To wear it later, when I was alone at home in my room. I pretended I was her and I lived in a nice house with a real mother and a father. Her daddy works for the city. He's some kind of traffic manager, makes good money, and her mother always looks stylish. They come to me basketball games and watch her cheer for the team. She's about my size; too, so the blouse fit real good." V.C.AJiD8EWS "What happened when she found her blouse was missing?" Misty asked. "Did they accuse you?" "No. The teacher made everyone open her locker and she looked in all of them." "How come they didn't find it in yours? Where did you put it?" "I didn't put it in my locker," I said. "I told you I wanted to take it home with me so I hid it under my skirt and no one dared look there. They just thought someone had come into we locker room and robbed it. Things like that had happened before. Charlene had to wear her gym uniform top for the rest of me day. - ' , . - - - : }"About a month or so afterward, I brought it back and left it on the bench near. her locker. Everyone thought it was weird. It was weird," I admitted. '^Nb it wasn't," Cat piped up. Everyone looked at | her. She didn't hide her face this time. "Whynot?" "I don't just want to be in someone else's clothes; I want to be in their bodies," she confessed. ;| Everyone was quiet The air felt so heavy and even with the lights, a thick shadow seemed to hang owe me ceiling and walls. <; "Well," Doctor Marlowe said. "Why don't I g< check on the pizza for us? It's getting close to thf time." ,:.,..,-. , . . ^ - }i She rose and looked at me. ra "I guess you'll continue after hmch, right?" ;! I nodded and she left us. As soon as she bad, Jail turned to me. , 4 "I'm sorry I was nasty to you before," she said then quickly added, "and I'm not trying to show you any pity so don't get mad at soe." 'It's aU right," 2 said. "About now, I could use some, I suppose." "I suppose we all can," Misty said. "As long as we don't depend on it," I said. "It's a little scarce outside this place. My granny says if you wait too long for pity, you'll miss the train to happiness." They all smiled, even Cat Everyone looked a lot more comfortable. It was like we were all trying each other on for size, making adjustments here and there and finding ways to make it work. "Your granny sounds like a wise old lady," Jade said. "She is. Well, I guess I am hungry," I said. "Least we'll get something out of this, lunch. I hope I didn't spoil anyone's appetite"' I ; ^ ; "'^ ;^ "Not mine!" Misty blurted and put her hand owr hermotrth. ' .' : '1.111: ^1 .-;i'^- .;,'i':.::.l And then we an laughed. ; It felt good, like some of that sunshine after the storm Granny always expected. 3 Mariowe had a table set up for us in he back patio. There were large windows fac ^^^pool and yard and a sliding door. It was sti l' lightly, (he drops zigzagging to outline od on die glass. Birds flitted from tree to tree tyexcitedby the sight of worms that had corn ^tf "((ie dampened earth. The birds were about t ^tS-^'little feast too, I thought When I caught sigt a ~ ^leflection in the glass, I saw I had a smile a ^^ ^ It happened so rarely these days, it took m i slt|lise and I touched my cheek as if to be sure i ^Bfc. , ^ ^'t often look at birds. I thought I know the| ** "^fc where we live with Granny, but I just don' ' tlt time to notice or care. Here, with such beaud ®^nds, bushes, hedges, flowers and a smaJ SO j STAR fountain, I felt different, almost as if I was out of die city. I imagined ft wasn't as big a deal for the others. They looked like they took it all for granted... big houses, birds, trees, flowers and fountains. "I see your gardener took out those oleanders," Jade said, remembering what Doctor Marlowe had told us the day before. "Yes. I hated to see them go, but they were dying and had to be replaced." "My mother doesn't know one flower or bush from the other on our property. She only knows they cost a lot," Misty muttered. "She deliberately got a new gardener recently who's more expensive." She smiled and added, "Because it's part of the agreement she has with Daddy that he has to maintain the property. That was one wham-bam of an argument--the new gardener" she told us gleefully. She had a mischievous looking little smile on her face. Sophie brought out a jug of lemonade and the pizzas. It occurred to me that if we weren't brought here by our parents, courts and schools. Die chances of the four of us sitting around a table and having lunch together were almost as small as Granny winning the lottery. Maybe we had passed each other in some mall or in the lobby of some movie (heater, but I was sure we hadnever looked at each other and actually seen each other; Up until now we were as good as invisible to each other. "I wasn't sure if everyone .liked pizza," Doctor Marlowe said as she took a seat. "It's just a good bet." "I eat everything," Misty said. It was something I would have expected Cat to 61 V.C.ANDSSWS ^ftf was the one who looked like she could af- Ntoshed some pounds. However, when she ate, ^kHke a mouse, nibbling with hesitation like she -"^she was going to be caught doing something ift : . .. . ^course, my mother thinks that's terrible" Misty ^Kd. "She has tins list of foods she pinned on ^Nl in the kitchen. She calls it her Ten Most ^iNo-Nos because they wiB wreak havoc on ^tfcplexion and make you fat. Pizza is at the top -^N," she said, and bit into her piece with added "»»t.. . . ' . ^kttna gave my brother Rodney leftover pizza '^ikfast^sometimes,"I said. ,'^fre kidding, for breakfast? Did she at least ^tt a daily vitamin?" Misty asked. i^ed at her as if she was crazy. 1^ took pretty good. What's your brother's ^Ute?" Jade asked. -^r Mariowe sat back and ate her piece quietly -^ligatsmile on her Hps. It made me feel like we '"^being taped for some psychological study she '^ ' . - -- ; '^By calls him a beanpole. He's almost as tall -^ilready. He looks like my daddy more than be ''Nomma. He's a good boy, shy and quiet, to0| "'irflis teachers. He's not doing so good N ^" Jade corrected. I 5^- .- | ^»aot doing so well in school." | ^1^ Perfect" I said. "He's not doing so' Maybe, if you got (he time, you can come over and tutor my brother." Cat stopped chewing and looked from Jade to me, anticipating more nasty words. "I'm sorry," Jade said. "It's a habit, correcting people. When I do it to my mother, she gets all flustered. And maybe I will," she added. "Will what?"Misty ashed. "Tutor her brother. I've done it in school as part of the Big Sister program." "Sure," I said. "Only, I won't hold my bream." "People do help each other sometimes," Jade said, "no matter what you dunk." "Right," I said.'^ook bow much we're already helping each other." She smirked. Maybe we couldn't be friends after all, I thought Maybe we were what Granny called Momma and Daddy: Oil and Water. , "I hope you girls will eat all this. I don't want to have it in the house. It's too tempting," Doctor Marlowe said. She looked at Cat, who was encouraged to take a real bite. "Where's Emma today?" Misty asked. I wondered if, like me, she was imagining Emma eating it all. Doctor Marlowe's sisterwas twice her widA. "She's a little under the weather. She has bad sinus trouble, especially on days like mis," Doctor Mariowe explained. "How long have you and Emma lived in this house?" Jade asked her. "I've been here all my life. My situation after my parents divorced was a little different from your situa- "BniiK.nio^iooi.gi k -VW ajH Ac ye aaaq oaaq aA.jg _ '.raqpsqsBap^--- a 39 japan aptn b s.aqs,, ippiMjaqaiMAiseMg^res^dMi" . . . ----- --f "*" «M|ll ; paBptoA i psoise A»si^ ^A»po» Banng s.arai)^,sa aiiqpaiBa^ 0 pagRinooua sbm <»[m '^ ie pS3[oqoqspiKa^ ^^I^B.-I'.IgBff'g*' EIIiI33iI3" 8S tSmopvsa s.oft, pnes i Jwayad ssm. '^t^, »fooou pasiSB <»sip}[ .^unireiiA Xirep b onq aAiS ib aqs pia A1SBp(ea«i .10^ Snippy ai.ooj^, piBsi^saaipaioosisBpiBaiqjcg [ jaAoyai ^aupo^ jxpaiq Xat sacs Bunnoi^, r,' . , ',.,' , ...' - ^ -."anisBaid pappBipiAaoaidjCTionniiqptre'presaqs^snaqijo doi aquB si btzij ibj noX ailBiu pob uopcaplmoo jnoX go 30A8q ^BaiA hia Xaip asireoaq sof^-off pawo/A. fsoff U9j, jaq ii siibo aqg uaqoii^ atp in hba 919 oo pamnd gqs spooj jo isn snp ssq aqs» panopuoo aisii^ ..'aiquBl s,wp synp .axpoal Xoi 'asBMWjOM piaain ganpamos ginop iqSnBO sq 01 3mo8 sba aqs iqgnoqi aqs 9)[i aopeiisaq tpiM SiniqqP 'asnoin b 93tH sys aqs 'aiB aqs usqM '.oAaAOH "spunod amos paqs 01 proj -jb pploo aqs 3[i pa^ool oqM auo sq) sbm aqs '^Bs SEAa2KEWOa V.C. ANBStBWS tions. My sister and I lived with my father because my mother wanted it that way." "Why?" Misty asked first Cat looked up with interest, probably just as eager as die rest of us to know moreabout the person who was supposed Co bring us to all the important answers about ourselves. "My mother was more into her career than into being awifeand a mother. I suppose that contributed to why they got a divorce in me first place, not mat I'm suggesting for one moment she couldn't or shouldn't have had a career." "So you lived here with your father?" Jade asked. "Yes, and then Emma returned about twenty-two years ago after her divorce," she said. "So actually you've lived in the same house all your Ms?" Misty asked. "Yes" "What did your daddy do?" I asked. Since everyone else was badgering her with questions and she wasn't refusing to answer, I thought I might ask something too. "He was a corporate attorney and my mother taught Drama-speech at UCLA," she revealed. "I saw her often, more often after I hadgone to college." "Ai® they both dead?" I asked. "My father is," she said. "My mother is at an adult residency now. She suffers from Alzheimer's disease. You all know what mat is?" "You forget everything," Misty said. "What a good idea" Jade quipped. Everyone stoppedeating and looked at her. She shrugged. "If Sf we could forget everything and then start over like a blank cassette, I mean." "You don't have to forget the past," Doctor Marlowe said softly, ^hat you've got to team to do is handle it, live with it, pit it to perspective, keep it from permitting you to have a future. "After all, dial's what we're here to do," she concluded. No one responded. We continued eating instead, each of us hoping she was right Misty and Jade got into a conversation about clothes and Misty admitted she had some very nice things to wear when she wanted to, but just felt more comfortable in jeans and T-shirts. Prom the way the others acted when Doctor Marlowe offered to show us die rest of the house when we finished eating, I gathered they, like me, were brought only to the office before this. She took us to the living room first and explained some of me paintings her father had purchased in Europe years and years ago. She told us he favored the Impressionists and one of me paintings was an authentic Monet, I didn't know anything much about Art, but I saw mat Jade was impressed. One picture caught all our interests. It was a painting of a little girl, maybe seven or eight, standing by a pond and looking at her own reflection in the water, '" ' ' " ^ ' ''. - . ^^ ' ;"' "My father liked this one a great deal, too," Doctor Marlowe said, standing behind us. "He told me mat to him it was as if me tittle got realized for the first time that she was realty beautiful." ^^SKEWS "Thai's fflo--: sute^ .^ietibe first time she'd seen ^isit^I^^r ytttedie was pretty and so die «.A~^ aw''^'^^^W'Bd. ^ she OKdtt^tf'^othennK,''Jade added. .^ytie Qteey '^^tete wasn'tprctty and she ^ ^y ^»er^-^ v^: Cat intetjecled with more "^^t hcaE- vo^1*^ 0 *t had bori befoe. Afisty ld ^er c^cs^^^iiiAikei. Jade iqit staring at ^^^^|» ^e8*thtB P«^^^ri«t»Kananierifi!sty asked. ."8 «&aBe&^^1^.^^ stary.llw whatAat was^ ^»Byaood. ; ^ t N come te to do ri any' ''^it.Wcdrattothebatht^i^'^^lllitntinttetitt P^^3'^^ sDM^tegs us going a^^B^ ^,'Doctor Vriw saxi after we -n^^^»medtt« W SIAR Here I go again, 1 thought It was like getting on a oiler coaster, "I keep saying things got worse after this and ivorse after that," I began, "so you probably all think It was about as bad as it could be, but it wasn't It got worse again when Momma got a boyfriend. "I knew she was going out with different men from jme to time, but she never brought anyone home with ler before Aaron Marks. He was someone new to me leignborhood and One-Eyed Bin's, which is where hey met of course. "I gotta say mat I never thought Momma was fidthEul to Daddy when they were together anyway. When- Daddy went off on a job mat took a few days, I the feeling Momma was with someone. She'd er admit it to me, of course, but you hear things on , street, hear talk and whatnot and just pick up onit you wanted to be smart enough. "Momma'd be with me and meet some girlfriend Erom One-Eyed Bill's and they'd get to talking and laughing and I could read between the lines that Momma went off with someone, maybe even just to his car behind me bar or something. Lwas worried she'd get some disease or get pregnant with some other man's baby, but I was afraid to say anything. ', ... . I .. : '^ ^' "If I looked suspicious or surprised, she'd just say, 'You know Shirley was fooling. She doesn't mean half of what she says, Stac. Don't you go saying anything to your Daddy or Granny, hear?' ? "If I didn't answer she'd slap me on me aim or ihoulder until I turned to her and cried,'Whatr V.C.ANDKSW6 "That's not supposed to be the first time she'd seen heradf,isit?"Iasked. Idon'tdm&so.BO." "Maybe nobody told her she was pretty and so she thought she wasn't," Misty said. "And she didn't dace hope otherwise," Jade added. "Maybe they told her she wasn't pretty and she knew they were liars" Cat interjected with more anger in her voice than we had heard before. Misty shifted her eyes to look at her. Jade kept staring at the picture, but Hedged me. I looked at Cat She had her teeth clenched and her eyes looked like they had a lit-, fte candle behind them. "4 "Does the painting have a name?" Misty asked. ?| It's called Reflections in a Pond" Doctor Mariow(| --Tbafsit?" - . : ,.-; . ,aj "Sometimes, things are nothing more than whfl|j they are," Doctor Mariowe replied. .; ,r "If teat were me case all the time, you'd be oaSJS work," Jade quipped. ''^9^ Doctor Marlowe laughed hard. She really roaredf brought smiles to all wa faces.. I felt so light |j happy that I almost didn't want to go back to >_;.1,-^ " "If I looked suspicious or surprised, she'd just say, |^ou know Shirley was fooling. She doesn't mean »lf of what she says. Star, Don't you go saying aayBng to your Daddy or Granny, hear?' "ffl didn't answer she'd slap me on me ann or until I turned to her and cried* 'What?' V C. ANDKSWS " 'When I'm talking to you, I expect you to sa something. You understand what I told you?' "Tfts.'Tdcry. " 'W1, you just don't make any trouble for me. got enough trouble without you maiding any,' she' say and mumble me rest of the way home. "I know ft sounds like we never had any mothes daughter talks like you all probably have had wit your mothers, bat we did. Not toward the end, ( course, but before things got so bad so that I coiddn look at her, much less talk to her." I pained and turned to Misty. "I remember yesterday how you kept asking hw two people who were supposedly in love could sue denty lute each other so much. What happened to a the nice things they said to each other and .the me things they did together? I thought about that too an one day, when Momma was sober enough and being nice to Rodney, I asked her something like that 1 said, 'You loved Daddy once» didn't ya Momma?' "SoT she said. " 'I was just wondering why you stopped, is all,' said. I didn't want to spoil her good mood, so I spot sorQy and looked down quickly. : " 'Because he's not the man I fell in love who,' sb said. 'He fooled me is what happened. When we we» first going togemer, he used to teU me how differea he was and how different dungs were going to be 6 us. We're not going to be like these poor, driftia folks around us. We're going to build a real home. I ** 'He was going to have his own company and Ti 68 STAR be a lady in style. I'd have my own car and we'd have a nice house and on and on he'd go with that web he was spinning to trap me good. That's what he did. I gave myself to him expecting he'd five up to those promises. Every one of them turned out to be just a lot of hot air and when I asked him what happened to all those promises, he said he's doing the best he could, to be patient "' "Be patient? I'm growing old being patient," I told him. Then he'd clam up the way he often did and pretend I wasn't in the room. He could be so infuriating. You know that. You've seen him like mat.' " 'Maybe he was trying,' I risked saying. She didn't get mad. She laughed. " 'Yeah. Look around you at the palace be built Men,' she said, 'are born liars. Don't believe a one.' "She looked down at Rodney playing wnh his toy truck on the floor and shook her head. " "They're so sweet when fliey'ne? little boys and then something happens to them. They let (heir thing take over and run their lives and ruin ours,' she said. "I knew what she was saying, but I just didn't believe she was saying it Momma and I never really had a heart to heart about sex and stuff. She just assumed I'd leant it like she did, from girlfriends. I guess when your hormones screamed, it was all supposed to just pop into your head and you'd know what to do and what not to do. Most gills didn't know what not," I said. "At least, most I knew." "My mother didn't exactly offer me any sage advice," Jade said. "Excuse me?" 69 V.C. ANDREWS 'Womamy wisdom," she muttered with that corkscrew smilk of hers. "Oh. We got taught stuff by the school nurse, of course. She even gave giris sanitary napkins. I remember when I first started getting cramps, -I complained to Momma and she just handed me one and told me to wear it just in case. "Thcaseriaskedhec. " 'Well, look at you,' Momma declared, 'you about to bust out, aren't you? Welcome to woman's misery.* "That was about all she told me about it. I learned me rest from girlfriends aad me nurse's pamphlets. Then one day when I was nearly thirteen it just happened. & was like an explosion inside me. I got mis terrible cramp which about folded me over. I couldn't move without the pain. The nurse came down to the classroom to help me back to her office. I saw me other giris laughing behind my back and some of the boys, too, but I was suffering too much tocare. | "She had me rest aad called home. Momma answered and after me nurse told her about me. Momma said,'Well, what am I supposed to do about it?' ^ "The nurse tokt her she should come for me, bat she claimed she couldn't because Rodney was home sick, which I had a feeling was a big fat He. She was probably with someone and drinking. When I was able to get up aad about, I went home myself and discovered I was right. "That was the first time I met Aaron Marks. The music was loud. They had been drinking gin. Momma was wearing only a sop. When Momma saw I had en60 tered, she stopped dancing with Aaron and wobbled for a moment and then laughed. " This here's my daughter. Star. She started me monthlies today.* She lifted a glass full of gin and added,'Let's toast to her happy days.' "I didn't take much of a look at Aaron Marks that first time. I was so embarrassed, I just made a dash for my bedroom and slammed the door. I heard mem laughing and drinking. When Rodney came home, they were in Momma's bedroom. 2 honied oat and brought him into my room and told him to just stay mere. He cried because he had to go to me bathroom so I bad to let him oat and he heard Momma's laughter and went to her room. The sight of another man in bed with her just put the freeze in his face. "Rodney ain't only shy. When he gets frightened or upset, he has a hard time taBdng and starts to stutter. 6 almost sounds like he's choking on a chicken bone. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back to my room. He sat staring with his eyes full of questions I couldn't even begin to answer for him. " 'She's drinking again,' I told him. 'We have to wait here until it's over.' It was like hiding in a storm basement while a hurricane or tornado passed overhead. I tried to keep him occupied, but every time we heard a laugh or something bang against me wall or on the floor, we born froze and listened, our hearts pounding. I knew Rodney was afraid of me new man in her naked arms, but I didn't know anything more about Aaron Marks than Rodney did at the time. "I prayed that it would all end soon, but it went on V.C.AMDKEWS and on (hat whole afteroooo, until Momma passed out and Aaron quietly left the apartment I heard die front door open and dose and men I inched out of my room, leaving Rodney behind. I looked in on Momma. She was naked, facedown on her bed, snoring away. "Maybe all mat made my first period worse. I don't know. I hear that stress and such can make trouble for you in mat way." I gazed at Doctor Mariowe, who nodded slightly. "I had such bad cramps, I could barely move about me kitchen to make Rodney something for dinner. I finally gave up and just made him a peanut butter sandwich. Hewas still too scared to eat much anyway. . .;.. ' - - : . ; I ;| "He feu asleep on my bed that night and I let himj stay even though I had a very bad night and had to gBl| up and change and just walked about moaning andj groaning. Some time very late, I heard Momma ge| up and bang into a chair in me kitchen. I heard be|| curse and run me water and men she went back: t|| sleep and was still steeping in the morning. She wote| up as I helped Rodney get ready for another day o| schooL -. . -} .. . . ^ . . . | ^ felt like I had been punched and punched in tl|| stomach. I ached right down me back of my legs anc^ was in a nasty mood myself , so when Momma stu(J her head oat to ask what was going on, I shouted baijfl ather. . - : ^ .. -. ., ''-H " 'What do you mink is going on? It's morning alj Rodney slept in my room all night because of y«lf carrying on with mat man,'I cried. "She blinked as if she couldn't remember if she had or not and then she got mad at me for yelling at her and started screaming back. " 'I ain't got rid of that man you called your daddy just to have you on my back,' she said. 'Don't you go lecturing to me, hear? You don't open your mouth.' "'Yeah, well you should learn to keep yours closed,' I snapped back and she looked like her eyes exploded in her bead. She came charging across the kitchen to slap me, only I wasn't going to let her slap me anymore. I had been in enough pain all the previous afternoon and night anyway so I pushed a chair in her path and she fell right over it It stunned her and she just lay there staring up at the ceiling. ; "Rodney was in a terrible state. He wasn't just stuttering and frozen now. He was trembling so much that I heard his teeth click. I pushed him up and out of the apartment, taking his hand and walking him out of the building. I forgot everything: my books, my poise, everything, including the sanitary napkins, of course." "Oh no," Misty groaned. ? "Yeah," I said. "I had an accident after I brought him to his school." v "What did you do?" Cat asked. She was leaning toward me now, her hands clasped on her lap. "I wanted to go to Granny's but I didn't have any money for the bus, so I had no choice. I had to make my way home, I practically snuck back into the apartment. Momma was back in bed witbacold rag over her forehead. She didn't hear me. I tiptoed around, got what I needed, changed, and men slipped out of V.C. ANDREWS the assistant principal, Mr. McDermott, who wanted to put me in detention because I had a record of tardiness that stretched from one side of his office to the other. That's what he told me. "I told him I couldn't stay. I had to be home for my little brother. He said if I didn't, I'd be in bigger trouble and he told me that my mother would just have to , take care of my little brother. That's when I guess IJ went a little nuts. That was the first time." ; I paused. Even though I had eaten plenty at lunch,! suddenly bad (his terribly empty feeling in my stomach made worse by the sensation of a fistful of worms crawling around in mere. I squirmed, took a breath and closed my eyes. I felt dizzy and had to lay back. "Let's all give Star a couple of minutes," Doctoi Marlowe said. "I meant to show you all my library," she added. "Star, take a little break," she added. down for a moment if you like." I did and I beard them all leave. "She'll be fine," I heard Doctor Marlowe ten 1 just outside of the office. Their footsteps died away. Whenever I recalled Momma falling over mat ch) and hitting the floor, I remember me way Rodney'a mouth opened wide, but nothing came out. Where di that scream go? I wondered, ff you swallow back scream, does it echo in your heart? There is somethil exoa terrifying about seeing your mother or your f tfaer faint, ftll, get hurt. They're your parents and your mind, as silly as it may be, you think they area] Superman and Superwoman. Nothing happens to pi ents. Parents are there to take care of us. We get side, j We fall and scrape oar knees. We bum ourselves do silly and stupid things, but they are always there to comfort and look after vs. We're too young aad frightened to take care of them. Nothing happens to them. Momma didn't have an rota of dignity when she flopped ova* that chair. She flailed about like a fish out of water for a few moments and groaned. As I hurried Rodney out, I looked back at her and saw her dazed expression. She didn't know why she was on me floor. It had surprised and frightened her more man it had hurt her. The tears were streaming down Rodney's face so fast, I couldn't wipe mem off. As soon as the ones on his cheeks were gone, they were followed by more until I held him tightly and promised him things would be all right "I'll go back and help her," I promised. "You just go to school and everything win be all right later. You'll see." He stopped trembling and after we walked some more, he calmed down enough to at least go to school. But the memory of all mat was too much for me to swallow. & came up and up like bad food and I had this rash of dizziness and me trembles. It passed after a few calm moments and I felt my breaming get regular again. I sat up, drank some water and went to me window. The rain had stopped. Sunlight was slicing through the clouds, turning the drops into jewels on the leaves and oh the grass. Everything glittered and looked fresh and clean. It really wasn't much of a storm, I thought, bat it was something, and now look how beautiful the worid becomes. V.C. ANDREWS "Doctor Marlowe always says we should try to face our demons head on," I said. Jade nodded. Misty's lips relaxed into a small smile and Cat stared intensely, making me mink hard about every single word. "I hate remembering that day, but I hate being afraid of me memory more. Anyway, after the assistant principal threatened me again, I just started screaming and pounding my own legs. ft felt good, like I was unloading an this weight I guess he'd never seen anything lake it and went rushing out for the nurse. She came back with him. By mat time, I was pulling on my hair and shaking my head so hard, I could feel my neck twisting to me point of snapping. Hie nurse put her arm around me and tried to hold me. " 'Call for the paramedics!' she ordered and me assistant principal ran out again to do it I did calm down, but I couldn't stop gasping. I had painful hiccups too. The paramedics came in and got me to lay down on the stretcher. They buckled me in and rolled me out of me office and put me in me ambulance. "There were lots of kids watching from windows and from me doorway, but I didn't care. "AS. me hospital emergency room, they lifted me onto a table in an examination room and left me there. A nurse looked in on me from time to time and kept telling me the doctor would come soon, but I mink I was mere for almost an hour before any doctor showed up. I kept dozing off and waking to me sounds in the hallway: people crying, orders being shouted, footstepsand stretchers being rolled. 'They called Momma but she didn't answer. She had 68 gone oat, I guess. That's what die tcdd everyone later anyway. The nurse came io to ask me if I knew where die might be and I told her about One-Eyed Bill's. "Finally, the doctor saw me. I was asleep when he came and he woke me up and told me I'd be fine and I didn't even need any medicines. I remember thinking he was very young, too young to be a real doctor. " 'What I believe you experienced was an anxiety attack,' he said. 'You've got some heavy personal problems,'he added. "He recommended I see the hospital psychologist When Momma finally showed up, he told her the same thing and wrote out the name of the doctor. "She was angry more than worried because it cost her two cab fares, one to come down to get me and then one to get me back home. From what I could tell, she couldn't remember what had happened mat morn ing. She told die young doctor I'd be all right and I didn't need to see a psychologist and besides, mefe was no money for such things. We didn't have health insurance. "So I went home with her and went to bed. She gave Rodney dinner and men I woke up because she was moving Rodney's cot-bed and things into my room. She pretended she was doing it for me, but I would soon learn she was doing it because she want ed to bring Aaron Marks home with her and Aaron didn't want a child in the same room. "Momma then went off to work at One-Eyed Bill's as if nothing had happened. Rodney didn't understand why I had been in a hospital, but he was happy to be in my room, staying as close to me as he could. I was V. C. ANDREWS so tired from my period and the events, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I remember I helped him go to sleep and then I slept so deeply, I thought I dreamed hearing Momma come home, hearing her laughter and Aaron's voice. It was real late. "I woke before Rodney did me next morning and I sat up thinking about my dreams, wondering how much was true and how much was imagined. A little afraid and a little curious, I slipped off the bed and walked barefoot to me door of Momma's bedroom. It was shut tight, but I opened it slowly and quietly and peeked in to find Aaron Marks beside her in the bed, me both of them naked, their arms twisted around each other like pipe cleaners. "I closed the door and quickly retreated to my bedroom, still feeling too sick to have an appetite or to want to get up and dress. "Rodney got himself up and all, but he didn't want to go to school. I had to force him. I wanted him out of the house so he wouldn't see Aaron there. I stayed in my room until I heard Aaron get up and go. "The school nurse called and I told her 2 was fine and resting. Momma still hadn't gotten up. When I went out to the kitchen though, she shouted for me to make hear some coffee and bring it to her. " 'As long as you're home, you might as well be of some use,'she said. "I made her the coffee and brought it to her. She groaned and sat up, keeping her eyes dosed as if the lids had been turned to lead. After a sip, she fluttered them open. They were so bloodshot, I could barely make out me pupils. 70 " 'Your brother off to school?' she asked. Why didn't she think of that first? I thought " 'Yes. That man was here with you last night,' I said. " 'So? Get used to it I ain't becoming a nun just because your no-good-for-nothing of a father deserted me. Truth is, he wasn't much of a lover-man anyway.' "I didn't want to hear any more of it so I went back to my room. She spent almost the whole morning sleeping and then she went to work earlier, probably to meet up with Aaron, I thought As usual, I made Rod ney supper and helped him with his schoolwoik. By now we were almost by ourselves in the worid anyway. "When I returned to school me next day, the assis tant principal didn't bother me. Most of the other kids had found out about my episode in his office and there was gossip, but after a while, they lost interest in it and for me it was just like a bad dream. "This particular episode had all begun with my first period. That was my entrance to womanhood," I added. 'Tor a while after, every time I got my period, I thought about all those events. Maybe remembering made it worse for me each time. Things certainly didn't get any easier around the house and Aaron was there more than I wanted him to be. The more Momma did with turn, the less she did for Rodney and me, not that she ever did all that much. There were times when we didn't have what to eat and I had to go look for her to get some money. She tried having a charge account at the Spanish grocery on die block, but when she failed to pay the bin on time twice, they stopped letting us charge things. V.C.ANDREWS Rodney was eating so much peanut butter, he co have made commercials for the company. "He was outgrowing shoes and domes, I Momma didn't seem to notice or care unless I porn it out and then there was all the complaining ab how much things cost and where was my good-1 nothing father who could make a kid but not care him? If Momma was drunk, she could rant about 1 for hours. Fd hear her voice in my dreams. I used mink her shooting and hollering got stuck on walls nke glue and just played itself over and o until I was sleeping with my hands over my ears my pillow over my head. "It's raining pain, I would tell myself. Once, wl Momma began one of her frequent tirades, I acnu went to the closet, took oat the umbrella and opei it, holding it between me and hex. She went wi screaming about all the bad lack I was bringing i; thebouse. " What about all you're bringing in?' I screan back and she threw a frying pan at me. It would hi lot me if I didn't have the umbrella and use it lik shield. "Rodney started to cry so I scooped him up s went to my room, shutting the door. She kept yell for awhile and then settled down, but while she du held Rodney and petted his hair and kept him ft dying, ft got harder and harder for me to handle it until one day, I did something that helped, someux that really could stop the rain of pain." Td like to hear about mat," Jade said, "Nothing aBy helps me." 73 "Me too" Cat added softly, almost under her breath. "What stopped yoorpainT* Misty just had that happy-go-lucky smile on her face as if she knew. "I had a blanket when I was little that Daddy once jokingly called my magic carpet. It stack in my head and when I saw the movie AZcu&fin and saw me magic carpet, it made a big impression on me." "So you went flying off on yoor blankety Jade asked with disappointment darkening her eyes. "I suppose I did," I said. "What?" Misty said, her smile widening. She looked at Jade, who grimaced, shook her bead and raised her eyes toward the ceiling. "Oo on and laugh, but it worked fornae" "What wodEied for you?" Jade demanded. Toa're not making any sense " ; "I took my blanket and put it on my bed and toy down on it, folded myself up so my knees almost touched my stomach. It felt better mat way." "Oh" Jade said as if she thought that was it: a way to ease the menstrual cramps. "And then I left," I added. "Lefty "Yeah, I guess I left in my imagination, but it helped. I saw myself flying off, out the window and out the city. I went to every place I ever- dreamed about or saw on televisionand wished I was. "I floated over me ocean, over forests and other cities. I actually saw things as if I was up high, everything looking so small like toys. My imaginary trips took long too because when I returned to my bed, V. C. ANDSEWS more than an hour passed sometimes and I always felt better. 'It got so I began to lay on my blanket whenever I was unhappy or Momma made me mad. I'd just wander off to my room, spread the blanket out on the bed and spread myself over it, folding my legs and closing my eyes. Then I was gone and I didn't hear anything, not Momma's stream of complaints or drunken laugh* ter or shouts at Rodney. I was gone. "When I came back, I frit refreshed, lighter. Rodney would tell me he had shaken me to tell me something and I didn't open my eyes. He said he shook me hard and finally, he gave up. Once, he did it and just sat oh the floor waiting and when I opened my eyes, he said he had been watching my face and I had been smiling so much. He wanted to know why. I didn't want to tell him so I just said I had had a good dream." > "That's all it was anyway, right?" Jade asked, looking to Doctor Marlowe, "a dream? She didn't go anywhere." ;^ Doctor Marlowe hesitated before responding and looked at me as if she was deciding whether or not to bust my bubble. ; 'It might have been more man just a dream," she said. "It might be a form of meditation. I meditate myself," she confessed. r; "I really don't know what mat is," Misty said. "I thought it was the same as dreaming." "No. When you dream you are really still in a conscious state but the mind is being bombarded by different images you don't control. Dreams are more or less random. You can deliberately think of things, but 7» there's no guarantee you'll dream about diem after you've fallen asleep. Meditation is a higher form. In meditation, you deliberately set out to put your mind on another plane, another level. What Star was doing was concentrating so hard on her desire to leave her surroundings, she took herself to a higher plane and the result was it relaxed her. People meditate to avoid stress." "Can we do that, too?" Jade asked. "Yes. After we've all had an opportunity to talk, we'll discuss ways to relieve the tension and stress you're all experiencing and one of those techniques will involve some meditation. I'm not suggesting it's the cure-all, but it can help." "I always did feel better," I emphasized. The others looked at me with envy. "Sometimes, I wished I never came back," I said. ; Doctor Mariowe's face grew darker, her eyes more intensely on me. . ^ ' .-"'^.'^ 'There's always that danger," she said. "We'rehere to make sure that doesn't happen." She looked at the others. "To.any of you." Maybe it was the way she said it or the way me others looked after she had said it, but suddenly it occurred to me how serious all this was, how we were all walking along me edge of different cliffs and how we could misstep and fall or deliberately fall into our own private oblivion. The atmosphere in Doctor Mar' lowe's office suddenly seemed heavier, all of us lost for a moment or two, thinking about our personal danger. I didn't know Jade's story or Cat's yet, but I looked from face to face and saw an identical terror in V.C.ANDSEW8 their eyes. I saw the concern in Doctor Marlowe's 1 and I remembered what Granny had said when s bad dropped me off this morning. 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