from a distance
by
Emily Richards


Prologue

So far from 1>ome, problems were inevitable.

No one expected otherwise.  No one was surprised or angry if problems
occurred.  Of course, for those on the ship's bridge who were busy
scanning the small island for a place to land, there was little time
for emotion, anyway.  " " Shipwrecked, " the captain said.  " "An
honorable tradition here, I'm told: '

The ship's first of firer looked over the land mass just coming into
view.  "Not so honorable for us, if we're discovered"

"We won't be."

"You're certain?  There are dwellings here."  "

" But no life forms "

"It's so close to civilization."

"That does seem odd, I'll admit.  But either this portion of the
island's been abandoned, or it's only inhabited for part of the year:
'

"Can we trust our biological tracking systems?"

"I'm afraid we have little choice.  We have to land.  We can't make
repairs in motion."

"It's oddly beautiful, isn't it?"

"More beautiful in daylight, I suspect."

The first officer braced himself, as he had often done on other
voyages.  There was a dark mirror of water beneath them, then treetops.
A field appeared.  He felt the ship settle and descend.  There was one
gentle bump.

"A fair landing," the captain said.  "That's a good sign.  Maybe
repairs won't need to be as extensive as we thought "

There were voices from the back of the ship.  Fluid, musical voices.
All was well.  The landing had been a safe one.

And then a discordant note.

The first officer moved toward the voices, but the captain stopped him.
"No: '

"I'm afraid what they're saying is correct.  I,ook: '

The first officer glanced at the monitor the captain had indicated.
Then he looked away.  "One of those who breathe."

"

" At least we know a part of the ship that definitely needs repair. "

"It's a female.  A woman: '

"And she's seen us," the captain confirmed.  "

" How could she not?  "

"Well, we've contacted them before."  "

" Unsuccessfully: '

"We have no choice but to try again: '

"There might be others, too: '

"I don't think so," the captain said.  "Our tracking system might not
be working, but the monitors would show us if anyone else was in the
immediate vicinity.

"We have to be sure she'll be safe."

"That will be your job Also to communicate with her."

"If she's not too terrified to listen."

"She doesn't look terrified."

The first officer examined the monitor again.  The woman was gazing at
them as if in awe.  She didn't look frightened at all.  "Either she has
rare courage or she doesn't yet believe what she sees."

"Or perhaps what she has is even rarer than courage.

Perhaps she has the necessary intuition to know we won't harm her: " "
I hope so.  For her sake.  " " " Prepare to bring her on board: '

The first officer turned to his instrument panel to begin the
procedures that would make that possible.  Halfway through, he paused.
"We are not in harmony, he said.  I feel it strongly."

"Probably because we aren't supposed to be here.  We must make harmony
and leave harmony in our wake."

"That will be difficult.  Perhaps impossible."

The captain didn't dispute his words.  His crew was top quality but
small, so small that each member of it served in many capacities.  In
his opinion the first officer was the finest member of the finest crew
on the finest ship in the galaxy He trusted him completely.  "Can you
feel what's wrong?"  he asked.  "Can you assess it?"

" " No.  " " "Then proceed as before.  We have no choice, and we have
no time."

The first officer obeyed, but he gave a warning, gathered from his own
intuition.  "What we do here tomght will change the history of this
planet: ' " "For the better?"

"I don't know: '

Both stared into the monitor when the procedure had been completed. The
woman was being slowly drawn toward the ship.

"She comes willingly," the captain said.

The first officer watched, but his spirit was troubled.  "I hope she
has no cause to regret this: '

"But you think otherwise."

"And you?"

The captain turned toward the door to welcome their guest.  "I think
otherwise, too," he admitted.  "And I think that already we are
powerless to change what has been set in motion: '

Chapter 1

Stefan Daniels had been only peripherally aware of the reverent hush in
the operating room.  The applause was harder to ignore.

He stepped back from the patient on the table-not a patient , really, a
brain, a small circle of human knowledge and experience surrounded by
sterile drapes-and looked up, acknowledging the applause with a lift of
his eyebrows.  Then he nodded to the resident waiting to finish the
surgery The young woman, one of the most talented of the senior
residents at Cleveland Neurological Hospital, would now put back
together what it had taken Stefan twelve hours to take apart.

Twelve grueling hours when, thankfully, everything that could have gone
wrong had not.

"Brilliant: Stefan's friend and colleague George I.eGrande stepped
forward to eagle-eye the resident as she began her tasks.  " I didn't
think it was possible, Stefan.  I truly didn't.  "

"We'll see how brilliant it was when we wake the patient up.  If we
can."

Il " " He'll wake up.  And he'll have a long, useful life, thanks to
you and your new procedure.  " " " Dr.  Darnels?  "

Stefan turned.  Interested physicians had come and gone during the
twelve-hour landmark surgery, but he had not expected the
nurse-practitioner who worked with him in his private practice to
observe.  After one glance behind him to be sure the final moments of
the operation were proceeding as they should, he crossed the room.

"This must be important," he said.  It had better be, hung unspoken in
the air between them.

"You know it is, or I wouldn't be here."

He nodded.  Most of the hospital staff stood in awe of him, but Carol
could be counted on to treat him with no more respect than was due any
man.  Age had taught her the relative value of fame.  He had hired her
because he was far too busy to spend his time building up or tearing
down the presumptions of others.

"It's Mrs.  Daniels," she said softly.  "

" My mother?  "

"Lindsey."  Carol was dressed in sterile garb.  Above her mask, her
eyes were troubled.  "She was taken into emergency at University this
morning.  They sent her over here about noon when they realized who she
was: '

"And you waited until nine o'clock to let me know?"  He paused,
remembering exactly where he was.  "Of course you did," he amended.  "
" No one could have taken your place here.  I didn't want to upset you
"

He was too logical to pretend that nothing would have changed had he
known his ex-wife was lying in a hospital bed somewhere downstairs.
Surgery demanded complete concentration, and Lindsey had always been
able to disturb his.  "What happened to her?  What's wrong?"

"She's awake.  She's alert.  The preliminary examination doesn't show
anything unusual: '

Stefan knew that Carol, who always shot straight from the hip, was
evading an answer.  His hands, still encased in blood-stained surgical
gloves, felt oddly restless, as if they needed something to do.  "What
exactly happened to her?"

She rarely called him by his first name, but she did now.  "Stefan, I'm
sorry.  I guess there's no way to spare you this.  She was found on the
side of the road out on Kelleys Island just after dawn, unconscious.
She claims she saw a UFO.  Nothing anyone's said or done to her since
she was found can get her to change her story."

Lindsey Daniels was not confused.  Once, half a dozen years before,
she'd fallen off a horse and hit her head hard enough to knock her out
for a minute or two.  There had been no real damage-Stefan had made
certain of that-but for the rest of that weekend, stringing thoughts
together had been more difficult than usual.  Now thoughts flowed one
into another, like the mesmerizing themes from a new age symphony.  She
was not confused.

But everyone else was.

She swung her legs over the side of the hospital bed, just in time to
hear the door open behind her.  She didn't attempt to see who it was.
She didn't even care anymore.  Instead , she bent and searched the
floor for her shoes.

"I'm going home," she said.  "There's no indication that anything is
wrong with me.  I've been scanned and radiated , pricked and
questioned.  I've touched my nose with my index finger so many times
I've probably made a dent in it.  I've walked a straight line to China
and back.  Now I'm going home."

"You're not going anywhere."

The man's voice was all too familiar, and, as always, something stirred
inside her before she could repress it.  "No?"  Her blond hair sailed
over her shoulders as she turned around.  "Even when we were married,
Stefan, you didn't give me orders."

"Those orders come from your physician: '

"I have no physician.  I didn't ask to be brought here."

"I'm your physician.  As of twenty minutes ago."

"I didn't request you: '

" " Lindsey.  " He moved closer to her, stopping several yards from her
bedside.  " Are you saying you don't want me here?  "

Even after a year of divorce, she couldn't say that.  She let herself
ponder him as she tried to rein in her emotions.  He did not look like
a neurosurgeon fresh from a precedent setting operation.  He did not
look as if he had been on his feet since six o'clock that morning.  He
did not look like a beleaguered husband confronting his crazy ex-wife.
He looked like Stefan, the man who had once been the center of her
universe.

"I want to go home.  That's what I'm saying: '

His expression was reassuring and maddening.  A doctor 's expression.
"The children are with my mother.  You don't have to worry about
them."

"I know where our children are.  I've spoken to them twice."  Lindsey
stretched out her hand, then let it fall helplessly to her side before
Stefan could reach for it.  "What have you been told?"

"I spoke briefly to Carol.  I've seen your chart: " "And the physicians
at University?  "

"I've spoken to two of them."

"Did they tell you they wanted to put me on a psych ward?  That if I
hadn't been married to you for twelve years, I'd be there now?"

"No one thinks you're crazy."

"No?  What are they thinking, then?  That I'm temporarily disturbed?
Depressed?  Delusional?  Or do they think it's something tidier, like a
brain tumor or a blood clot?  Something Stefan Daniels can work his
wizardry on?"  " " You've overwrought.  "

"No.  I'm naturally, sanely emotional."  Lindsey leaned back against
her pillow, drawing her legs beneath her like a little girl.  With
Stefan she often felt like a little girl, confused , raw, hurting,
pleading.  Almost worse, she also felt like a woman, too much like a
woman, considering that she should no longer be feeling anything for
him at all.

"I saw something incredible last night.  I know how that sounds to
anybody who wasn't there.  I knew how it would sound before I told the
people who found me and the doctors who've examined me."

"Suppose you tell me about it: '

"You sound frighteningly like the shrink I saw at University"

He released a long breath.  It was almost imperceptible, but in a dozen
years of marriage Lindsey had learned to read the tiniest signs
indicating what Stefan felt.  No other evidence had ever existed.
Something twisted inside her as she tried to piece together the sigh,
the way his fingers seemed to dance against the legs of his slacks, the
casual remark about their children.  He had called Mandy and Geoff be
fore coming to see her.  That was a clue of sorts, too.

She patted the bed in front of her.  "Sit.  Please."

"Who, the man who used to be your husband, or the doctor?"

"Neither.  Just be Stefan.  I want to tell you what I saw."

He sat.  Several feet of space separated them, but for the first time
that day she didn't feel completely isolated from the rest of
humanity.

She searched for words as she watched him for more clues.  He was an
easy man to look at.  Never in all the years that she'd known him, even
after their divoroe, had she tired of looking.

His face was broad, his features strong and somehow intangibly

European.  On a woman, his nose would have been unfortunate.  Balanced
with his brown eyes, heavy brows and high forehead, it was exactly
right.  Accented by a wide mouth-some might say cruel, but they would
be wrong the whole picture was arresting.  There was nothing about
Stefan that didn't speak of strength and intelligence.  And nothing
that spoke of the emotional, sensitive man trapped inside.

There were no other clues to his feelings except that his eyes were
busy, too.  He was searching, just as she was.  She tucked her hospital
gown over her knees, aware, for the first time since he had come into
the room, that he was fully dressed and she was not.

"I was out on the island," she said.  "

She tried to smile and failed.  " " We'll never get through this story
if you stop me after every sentence.  The children were both spending
the night with friends.  I love the island this time of year when there
aren't so many day-trippers.  You can almost hear it thinking: She
stopped.  She could almost hear him thinking.  "You know what I mean. I
don't really believe the island thinks.  It's just a... a..  : "
"Figure of speech?  "

Sheshrugged.  "

" Go on: '

"It was a beautiful night.  Perfect.  Did you go outside last night?
Could you see the stars in the city?"

"I wasn't thinking about stars "

"I suppose not."  She looked away, completely aware of how all this
sounded.  "I went for a walk: '

"I've told you before, it's not safe to walk alone at night: '

"There are lots of things you've told me."  And lots more he had never
told her, but she didn't remind him of that now.  "There was no reason
to worry.  Kelleys Island is virtually crime free.  And virtually
deserted for a few more weeks.  I went for a walk: '

"And ended up unconscious by the side of the road: '

"Can you listen?  Not accuse?  Not jump to conclusions ?"  She knew it
was a weakness, but she needed to touch him, had needed to since she
had seen him in the doorway.  Now she let herself.  Just a touch, a
brush of her fingertips across the back of his hand.  The slightest
touch and suddenly the empty place inside her was a chasm.

She pulled her hand away, but he captured it in his own, gently
imprisoning it.  "What happened on the walk?"

She could no longer meet his eyes.  She shut hers, and the symphony
inside her crescendoed.  "I saw lights in the sky," she said.  Her
voice was husky, a droning bagpipe woven in and out of her memories.
"Colored lights, like none I've ever seen.  Colors I can't even
describe.  There was a field in front of me, and the lights seemed to
hover over it.  Then they dropped to the ground.  I walked closer.  I
was curious"

She opened her eyes, but she still couldn't look at him.  And she knew
she wouldn't see him if she did.  She would see the lights again, was
seeing the lights again, just as she had each time she repeated the
story.

"I walked closer, and then I wasn't walking at all.  I was drawn
through the air toward a central beam.  I wasn't frightened.  Something
beyond comprehension was pulling me.  All I remember after that was a
feeling-the most intense , overpowering sensation of love and goodwill
you can imagine.  It was so tangible, I could almost touch it: " "And
then?  "

"Nothing.  I can't remember anything else until a man and a woman found
me beside the road this morning."

"

" You were there all night?  "

"I don't know.  I've told you everything I remember: She looked at him.
His eyes didn't waver.  He had compassionate eyes, eyes the same warm
brown as his hair.

His words were less compassionate.  "I could give you a dozen possible
explanations for what you might have seen."

She pulled her hand from his.  "Might have seen?"

"I'm sorry.  I don't dispute that you saw something.  But either
there's a perfectly logical explanation no one has thought of, or..."

"

"The brain is a complex organ, Lindsey."

"I see."  She tucked her arms together so that he couldn't, wouldn't,
reach for her hand again.

"You're angry at me."

"No."  She was surprised at the sound of tears in her voice.  She
hadn't realized she was crying.  " " Lindsey.  "

"Don't touch me, Stefan."

"No matter what happened to you, I know it must have been frightening.
I understand why you're crying."

"You haven't a clue!"  She reached for a tissue.  "I saw what I saw. My
neurons didn't misfire.  The blood flow to my brain wasn't blocked. My
blood sugar didn't plummet.  I saw what I saw.  I was part of
something, something so extraordinary that even you can't comprehend
it: '

"Tell me what you think you saw."

"I know I had a close encounter.  The lights were from a ship of some
kind.  I encountered beings from another planet.  I'm as sure of it as
I am of anything else about last night: '

"But you say you can't remember what happened after you were pulled
toward the lights."

"I can't remember every moment, any moment.  I can remember feeling
welcomed.  I can remember feeling part of something so vast, so..." 
She threw her hands apart when words failed her.  "I remember that. 
And I know I wasn't harmed, that I was cared for.  Whatever I
encountered, whoever, were beings so intelligent, so far beyond us in
every way, that I was never in even the slightest bit of danger: '

"You can't remember anything specific, yet you can remember that?  "

"I can't explain."  She met his eyes.  "And what good would it do to
try?  You've already decided something's wrong with me.  At the least
I'm exhausted.  At the worst I'm psychotic."

"Are you exhausted?  Was that one of the reasons you went out to the
island?  To rest?"

"Of course!  The island is a restful place.  It's a wonderful place,
and it rejuvenates me.  But I'm not exhausted.  I don't work
twenty-hour days.  I don't push myself until I fall asleep on my
feet."

"You're raising two children, running a sucoessful business"

"I saw what I saw."  She leaned forward.  "And I'm going home."

He sat a little straighter.  "Tomorrow.  If all the results of your
tests come back negative."

IS From a Distance q From a Distance 19

" " Tonight.  Without any results other than those you have in my chart
already.  "

He stared at her, but his eyes gave nothing away.  Hers didn't waver.
"All right," he said at last.  "I'll take you home myself."

"You don't have to.  I can call a friend."

"I'll take you.  And when I get there, I'm staying with you: He held up
a hand to ward off her response.  " I'm staying: '

"It's no longer your house."

" " And you're no longer my wife.  " He leaned forward, too.  " Do you
think a piece of paper, any kind of paper, matters right now?  I'm
staying, and I'm going to keep my eye on you to be sure you're all
right.  I won't argue about it!  "

She was too tired, too emotionally drained, to argue anymore She shut
her eyes, and she saw colored lights.  She wished she could feel the
tranquility, the tremendous surge of hope and joy, she had also
experienced.  But it was gone, and in its place were the doubt and
confusion she always felt when she was with the man she'd loved since
the first day she met him.

"Let me dress."

"I'll square this with administration."

She felt lips against her forehead.  For a moment she thought she had
imagined them.  Then she felt an emptiness so vast she knew she had
not.  She opened her eyes, and Stefan was gone.

Someone, a neighbor probably, had come over to turn on the porch light.
Windows had been opened to catch the evening breeze, and neither mail
nor newspaper cluttered the front porch.  Stefan held out his hand for
Lindsey's key.  He had turned his over to her as part of their divorce
settlement Lindsey had asked only for child support and the deed to
their summer cottage on Kelleys Island.  He had insisted she take their
House in Rocky River, too, as well as a sizable portion of their
investments.

Tonight he wished he had refused her the cottage.

' "How do you feel?"  he asked.  "There's no way to answer that: '

He turned the lock and pushed the door open.  The smell , of coffee
welcomed them.  "Someone's been inside."

"I called Mrs.  Charles before I left the hospital."

"She's a good neighbor."  i "You don't have to stay.  She offered.
She'll come back if

I call her " i " She's not a doctor.  "

"And I'm not sick: '

"Lindsey, please."  Stefan ushered her inside.  She kept her head
turned from him, but he knew what he would have seen on her face.
Despair, fear, confusion-and the strength to overcome all of them.

He touched her shoulder, and reluctantly she turned.  "I want to stay,"
he said.  "Not for you as much as for myself.

Humor me.  "

"I wish the children were here."  ; He didn't tell her he was glad they
weren't.  The divorce had been difficult enough for Ceoff and Mandy.
Seeing their mother like this would only compound their insecurities'
My mother will take good care of them.  "

"They'll come home reciting Kant in German."

He smiled.  "Child abuse, for certain "

"I don't want them told their mother is crazy."

"They won't be."  He wanted to touch her hair.  His fingers still
remembered the feel of spun silk the color of sunshine At thirty-five
Lindsey was every bit as beautiful as she had been at twenty-one, more
beautiful, perhaps.  She had iloated through the years, danced along
their boundaries as if she weren't part of time.  She was fragile,
ethereal, a fairy prinoess in a world that no longer believed in fairy
tales.

Greenqyed, ivory-skinned and so slender she seemed to live on air.  His
princess.

Once upon a time.

She moved away from him.  "I smell coffee."

"

" Do you still take it with cream?  " he asked.

She nodded.

"

" Then I'll pour us some while you change.  "

She looked down at her pink jumper, now stained from grass and roadside
mud.  "Thank you."

"

" Are you hungry?  "

"

"No."

He tried a different tack.  "Will you eat if I fix us something ?  I
haven't had anything since early this morning: '

"Stefan."  Contrition was in her voice.  "You must be starving.  See
what you can find.  I'll hurry and come down to help."

"Don't worry.  I'm sure I can still find my way around."

She frowned, as if she had caught a trace of bitterness.  " " When you
left I didn' tsweep the house clean and start all over again.  Most
things are exactly where they used to be.  " " "When I left?  "

"You left.  No matter how it was accomplished."

"I'll be in the kitchen."

He took stock when he got there.  He had been back to the house many
times since the night Lindsey had asked him to leave.  Back to see his
children, stiff, formal visits when nine year old Geoff moved
restlessly around the living room and six-year-old Mandy trotted out
project after project that she had worked on to please him.  But he
didn't remember having come this far inside in the past year, into the
very heart of the house where meals were cooked and stories told over
the kitchen table.

Memories flowed over him as he stood in the doorway.  Potted herbs and
seashells still decorated every windowsill, and children's artwork
covered every spare inch of wall and refrigerator.  Glistening apples,
dried flowers and Lindsey's prized Depression glass spilled color into
the corners of the room.  The fragrance of coffee entwined with the
sprawling foliage of a rose geranium and pomanders made from oranges
studded with cloves.

He was home, and yet he wasn't-and never could be again.

In the refrigerator he found a bouquet of flowers, and under them the
freshest vegetables and fruits of the sum From mer that was just
beginning.  He took out eggs, brown eggs Lindsey must have bought from
a farmer, and homemade preserves in a cut-glass jar

He had put together an omelet by the time Lindsey reappeared Her skirt
was brown, with lage peeking out from under the hem, like a Victorian
petticoat.  Her blouse was the pale, new-leaf green of her eyes,
trimmed with her own cross-stitch embroidery.

"So you found everything?"  she asked.

"I did.  Sit.  I'll serve you: '

"I've been sitting all day.  And you've been standing: She crossed the
room and took a grapefruit from a bowl.  " Carol didn't go into any
detail, but she told me you made history today.  "

"History?  That's doubtful.  It was just a new approach to an old
problem."

"She said no one had ever had the courage to try surgery on an aneurysm
in that particular location and in that particular way."

"The man with courage was the man on the table."  "

" And you succeeded?  "

"I won't know until tomorrow at the earliest."

" " So now you're saddled with a crazy woman to keep you from spending
the night at the hospital: '

"I'm here because I want to be."

"I'm sorry."

He wrapped his fingers tighter around the handle of the pan.  He didn't
look at her.  "You have no reason to be sorry."

"Do you know what I'm sorry for?"  Her words were hesitant.  "I'm sorry
that you're involved in this.  You never should have been called.  What
good is a divorce if it doesn't free you from obligations?"

He asked himself what good a divorce had been at all.  Yet that
response stuck in his throat.  He had left Lindsey and the children
because she had asked it of him.  He had no reason to think the divorce
hadn't been good for her.  Until now.

"You're still the mother of my children," he said instead'I hope we're
still friends.  "

"Did we ever know each other well enough to be friensls?"  She didn't
seem to want an answer.  "And being Geoff and Mandy's mother is a gift
to me, not a debt you have to repay.  No, you shouldn't have been
called today.  It wasn't fair.  I have to work this out on my own."

He turned the omelet.  "What is there to work out?"

"I... I don't know."

He chose his words carefully.  "I believe everything you've told me,
but I'd be lying if I said I believed it happened the way you think it
did.  I think there's more here than we know yet, and whatever it is,
you've got to pay absolute attention to your health for a while."

"There is more than we know, more than both of us know.  Isn't that the
point?  I encountered something outside our entire store of human
knowledge."  Her voice faltered " " I can understand why this sounds
crazy.  I can understand why you're skeptical.  But just for once, can
you listen with your heart?  What's logic, anyway, except one
particular way to put facts together?  And we don't have all the facts.
"

"We shouldn't talk about this now.  You're tired.  I'm tired."

She was silent while they took their plates to the round oak table.  He
sat where he always had, and from habit she sat beside him.  He watched
as she picked at her food, and he knew she wasn't even aware that she
was.  His hand stole to hers, covering it.  "Maybe you need sleep more
than food."

"

" Maybe.  "

Her skin was petal soft.  His hand lingered.  He hadn't had time to
dwell on the things that had happened to her.  Now he realized he could
have lost her, lost her for the second time.  And death was a loss more
irrevocable than divorce.

"Whatever happened to you, you're here now.  You're alive.  You have
time to recover.  Promise me you'll take the summer off.  If you're
feeling well enough, you could take

;

the children to your cousin's house in Maine.  She'd be thrilled to
have you: '

"I'd planned to take most of the summer off, anyway."  She withdrew her
hand and pushed back her chair.  "But I'm not going to Maine.  I'm
going back to Kelleys Island."

He stood at the same moment she did.  She didn't turn away; she didn't
flinch when he grasped her arm.  "No, you're not."

"If nothing really happened there, then there's nothing to worry about:
'

"Something happened.  You were found on the side of the road."

She tried to pull away from him, and he tightened his grip.  In all the
years of their marriage he had never touched her in anger.  Now he had
to force himself to drop her arm.  "Don't you realize it could have
been worse than that?  There's no medical care on the island.  At best,
they could chopper you out if you were sick again.  It could be hours
before you got treatment, just like it was this morning: '

"I was not, am not, sick."

"I won't let you do it."

" " You have no say.  " She took her plate to the counter.  " I'll have
Mandy and Geoff with me.  In a few more weeks the summer people will be
there in full force.  I won't be alone, and I won't go for any more
lonely midnight walks.  But I have to go back: "qyq"

"I don't know."

So often through the years their arguments had come to this.  He felt,
as he often had, that he was pounding on a door and the woman on the
other side couldn't hear him.  He inserted the only key in his
possession.  "I won't let you take the children."

"Won't you?"  Her eyes were sad.  "Has it come to that then, Stefan?
Using the children as weapons?"

"Not as weapons.  I'm worried about their safety when you're in this
condition."

"They're safe.  We both know it.  And what reasonable judge would give
them to you if you took me to court?  You hardly know them.  You have
no time to spend with them.  Would you take Geoff into surgery with
you?  Mandy into your office, your laboratory?"

"I didn't see a UFO.  That gives me some credibility."

"I love them.  I know them.  That gives me more."

She was both right and wrong.  Without a doubt, his attorney could help
him gain custody.  Without a doubt, even under these circumstances, he
didn't deserve it.  He searched for another answer.  " " L. et me take
some time off.  We could take the children somewhere together: '

"That would confuse them."

He saw she had tears in her eyes.  He wanted to reach for her but
couldn't.  He remembered what she had said about being pulled toward a
beam of light.  Now he felt that same sensation, yet he fought it, just
as he always had.  Lindsey was his light, but he couldn't let himself
be drawn to her blinding center.

"There's nothing I can say, is there?"  he asked at last.  "

" Nothing.  "

"If you do this, I'm coming to the island as often as I can: '

"To check on us?"  "

" Exactly.  "

She brushed a tear off her cheek.  "You know, I'd like it better if
you'd lie.  I'd like to hear that you'll be coming because you want to
watch your children grow.  Because you want to know them."

"You know that wouldn't be a lie."

"But only a tiny part of the truth."

"You're tired.  This has drained you totally.  Go to bed now.  I'll
clean up here.  I'll be sleeping in Geoff's room if you need me during
the night "

She didn't brush away the next tear.  "How did it all go so wrong,
Stefan?  "

He couldn't answer, because he didn't know.  Once it had all seemed so
right.

"Good night."  She moved past him, careful not to touch him.

He didn't turn to watch her go, afraid that he couldn't stop himself
from following.

Later, as he turned off the lights, the house, his house, was
absolutely silent.  In the years when he had lived here it had never
been silent.  There had always been laughter and music, the sweet,
high-pitched chatter of children, the warmth of Lindsey's voice
soothing and cajoling.

In Geoff's room he listened to the reassuring buzz of a fish tank.  He
found the green canister of fish food and sprinkled some under the
hood; then he wandered around the room examining the flotsam of a
little boy's life.  He lifted the ceramic statue of a dolphin and
rolled it around in his hands.  For a moment he thought that Lindsey
had molded it.  Everything she designed or crafted breathed with life. 
The dolphin seemed to strain against his hand, seeking the reassurance
of ocean depths.  He turned it over and encountered his son's initials,
etched in the clay.

I'd like to hear that yocc 'll be coming because you want to watch your
children grow.

He put the dolphin back on the desk and telephoned the hospital to see
how his patient was doing.  Then, carefully, he removed his clothes and
hung them on the back of a chair.  He was as exhausted as he had ever
been in his life.

But he didn't fall asleep easily.

Chapter 2

The colors reached beyond the spectrum of the rainbow.  The light was
pure and soft, yet bright enough to force Lindsey to shade her eyes.  A
star had come to earth, its blinding brilliance subdued and adjusted so
that it wouldn't inadvertently incinerate an earth creature who might
see it.

But she had seen it.  She had bathed in the many-colored light, allowed
it to draw her to its core.  And once there, she had opened her mind
and her heart willingly.

There had been apologies.  She could feel them deep inside her,
although she couldn't remember that words had been spoken.  There had
been no plan for the star to contact anything living.  But even the
most intricate calculation could not take into account the random
actions of those who breathed.

She had laughed, a child's unfettered laugh.  She was more random than
most of those who breathed, she had admitted She was sorry, too, for
the difficulty, but not really sorry at all.

No, she could not return with them.  She could not return , could not
remain forever bathed in the glorious light, in the hope, the joy, the
center.  There were her children.

And Stefan.

"Stefan: She fought her way back, calling his name.  "

"Stefan ."

"I'm here.  You're all right.  You're all right, Lindsey.  Open your
eyes."

They wouldn't open, even at his command.  She felt herself being drawn
away from him, drawn once again toward the light.  She fought against
it, even as she apologized silently for not following.  " " Open your
eyes!  "

She did.  The light was still there, floating like rainbow sunbeams.
Spectrum by spectrum it disappeared until only sunshine lit the room.
Something blocked her throat.  Tears.  Then she began to sob.

She felt her cheek resting on a familiar bare, hair roughened chest.
She felt the warmth of Stefan's arms surrounding her.  "Are you in
pain?"  he asked.

"Yes."

"Where?  Tell me where."

"Nowhere you can see."  She burrowed her cheek into his flesh.  He slid
his fingers down her arm, stopping at the pulse point on her wrist.

"Do you know where you are?"

"In my bed."

"Do you know what day it is?"

"I don't care."

"Does your head hurt?"

"You're making it hurt " She tried to free herself, but his arms
surrounded her again.

"I'm not trying to upset you.  I wanted to be sure you were only having
a dream."

"It wasn't a dream."  She tried to hang on to the moments now fading so
quickly.  "Not a dream.  I was there again."

"

" Where?  "

"On the island.  I saw the light.  I was drawn through the air."  She
tried to remember more, but even as she spoke, the memories
disappeared.  She felt emptied, as if those precious moments had once
more been taken from her.  " " Anything else?  "

"No."  She struggled to sit up, and this time he let her.  " " Why are
you in here?  "

He gave her the box of tissues before he responded.  They were pastel,
as was everything in the room except the heavy mahogany furniture. Like
all the rooms in the house, this one had been a compromise between
their tastes.  Unlike their marriage, it had been a surprising success.
"" I came in several times through the night.  I woke up a little while
ago to check on you again.  Before I even got to the bedroom door I
heard you calling me.  "

"I wasn't calling you: "

"You were."

"I don't remember."

"You were deeply asleep.  You frightened me when I couldn't wake you:
'

"I was exhausted.  Yesterday was exhausting."

"You've always been a light sleeper.  When the children were babies you
knew when they were awake before they'd made a sound: '

"I was young."

"You're still young: '

She wiped her eyes.  She cried easily.  She laughed as easily , loved
as easily.  She had never been ashamed of that, but now she wished she
had choked back her tears.

"I know you're worried," she said, choosing her words carefully.  "I
appreciate that.  But please, please don't be.  For both our sakes."

His hand cupped her cheek.  His eyes searched hers.  "Why not?"

"Because I can't bear it."  She swallowed hard.  He was so close, but
she needed only a moment to remember how far away he really was and
always had been.  The poignantly familiar things about Stefan could not
make up for what had always been missing from their relationship.  The
rugged line of his unshaven jaw, the sleepy, morning smell of his skin,
the way his tlesh warmed and molded to hers.  None of those things
could be as important as what they had never had.

His eyes didn't waver.  "I said " I do.  " I never said " I don't.  "

"You need to say " I don't.  " We need to.  Nothing's changed."

"

" I was never sure anything needed to.  "

"I know: '

He dropped his hands, then paused a moment, as if schooling himself to
be more objective.  "How do you feel now?"

She knew he was asking about her health.  It was strange that he would
phrase the question that way, when discussing feelings was foreign to
him.  "Awake.  Hungry."  The second was a lie.

He didn't seem to want to leave her.  "You should sleep in today.  My
mother's bringing the children home-" " " You've called her?  "

"She called a little earlier: '

"What time is it?"

"Almost nine.  Geoff and Mandy have been up since six terrorizing
her."

"I never sleep this late."

"Neither do I."

" " You should be at the hospital.  Your patient, how is he?  " "
"Awake.  Hungry."

She smiled.  His smiles were all too rare, but he favored her with one
now, and her defenses quivered.  "Thank you for staying last night."

"

" My pleasure.  "

"

" Hardly."

"Well, I'll admit to having had better nights."  His fingers danced
along the flowered cover.  " " Anyway, my mother is bringing the
children home in a little while.  She volunteered to stay and watch
over things while you rest.  "

"I don't think so."

Lindsey had always appreciated Stefan's mother, although the two women
couldn't have been more different.  Hilda Daniels lived in a world of
equations and formulas.  A retired physics professor, she now devoted
her hours to condensing and simplifying the principles of her beloved
science for the layman.  The surprising thing about the project was
that she had finally noticed that the rest of the world wasn't as
educated or brilliant as she was.  She'd had enormous success with her
first book and was hard at work on her second.

Hilda did not bake cookies, and she didn't own an apron.  She liked
children in their place, which in her considered opinion should be the
library or the classroom.  Her house was filled with priceless art
objects, the bombastic overtures of Wagner and philosophical
conversation.  She loved her grandchildren, just as she loved her son,
but neither Hilda nor Stefan's recently deceased father Samuel, whose
research on DNA had been world-renowned, had ever accommodated to a
child's needs.  Geoff and Mandy loved and admired their grandmother,
but they preferred their visits with her to be short.

Stefan stood.  "I'm sure she'd be happy to stay."

"I'm sure she would be, too.  But she'd be happier to go back home and
work on new ways to explain the theory of relativity."

"Are you going to tell her what happened to you?"

"Yes."

"She won't understand: '

"I'm sure you're right: Lindsey swung her feet over the bedside.  She
remembered how exposed she had felt yesterday in a thin hospital gown.
At least this morning she was in her own night clothes and Stefan was
wearing less than he'd been then.  But she still felt odd, even though
she was covered to her thighs by a violet T shirt.  There was an
intimacy about being in the bedroom where they had shared so many
impassioned encounters, an intimacy about bare chests and bare legs and
hair that hadn't been combed.

"Who else are you going to tell?"  Stefan asked.  " " Anybody who wants
to listen.  " She went to the closet for her robe, burying herself in
its satin folds before she turned.  " I don't have anything to be
ashamed of.  Why should I keep this secret?  " " "Because almost
everybody will react the way I have."

She appreciated his honesty.  "I've survived your reaction"

"This could become public knowledge."

She hadn't had time to think about that.  She frowned imagining what
life might be like if it did.  "Tabloids?  Television talk shows?"

He smoothed the covers, his hand lingering where Lindsey had been. "The
sleaziest of them."

"They would find out that we'd been married.  That qvvould embarrass
you, wouldn't it?"

"Would it embarrass you?"

"Our marriage?  Or the publicity?"

"I'm the one who moved out.  It might appear that I left you because I
thought you were coming apart."

"Perhaps that's not so far from the truth."

"Lind... sey."

"You know I always react when you say my name that way, don't you?  You
make me feel like a little girl who's failed you somehow."

"I have never thought of you as a little girl."

She felt color rising in her cheeks.  She was covered now, but Stefan
was not.  He wore the same pants he'd worn last night, but he'd yet to
put on his shirt.  He was tanned-she was glad to see he was getting
outside the hospital occasionally -and fit-she was equally glad to see
he was taking care of himself.

His body had always fascinated her.  He had an athlete's build and an
athlete's obsession with nutrition and exercise The combination
subtracted years from his thirty-nine and sent heartbeats racing in the
women who had thrown themselves across his path in the year since their
divorce.  She knew about the other women, not because Stefan had ever
mentioned them, but because so-called friends of theirs had always
found a way to tell her.  She had begun to solve that problem by
finding new friends.

She looked out the window.  "I don't want you to be hurt by this.  The
encounter happened to me, not to you, but I know the publicity could
make you uncomfortable.  I won't spout off, Stefan.  If I talk to
anyone, I'll be discreet."

He seemed to want to say more, but the slam of a car door interrupted.
She heard Mandy's happy shrieks.  "The Munchkins are here," she said.
"I'll go open up for them.  You'd better get dressed before you come
down.  As it is, I'm not sure Hilda will understand why you're not
starched and pressed."

"I'm surprised you kept that robe."

She looked down.  The robe had been a gift to her in their last year of
marriage.  Stefan had seen it in the window of a lingerie boutique. The
fabric rippled from shoulder to floor in dark-flowered femininity, an
ode to the soft curves of the female form.  She had hardly believed he
had noticed it in the window, much less gone inside such a store to buy
it.

He had given it to her after the children were asleep.  He'd made a
fire in their bedroom fireplace, a rare pleasure, because he had seldom
been at home in the evenings.  Then he had settled her there to warm
herself while he'd gone to the closet to take out the box.  She had
opened it, and the satin had spilled into her lap as if alive.  He had
undressed her slowly until her skin was fire-warmed ivory and his hands
a darker adornment.  Then he had settled the robe over her shoulders
before..

"Did you think I would give away everything that reminded me of you?"
she asked.  She realized she was smoothing her hand over the robe's
satiny surface, and she put it in her pocket before she met his eyes.
"I would have nothing left."

"I still have your photograph in my office.  The one in the silver
frame."

She stared at him.  The revelation was so unlike him that she could
find no response.

"Did you think I would give away everything that reminded me of you?"
When she didn't answer he turned.

"I'll get the door.  You change."  He left the room.  She heard him in
Ceoff's room, probably getting his shirt.  Then she heard him on the
stairs.  Finally she heard Mandy and I Geoff's greetings as he opened
the door.

"I know how it sounds, Hilda."  Lindsey helped herself to another cup
of coffee.  Her former mother-in-law had brewed a pot as Lindsey
dressed, but she had only poured each adult one scant cup.  She had
strong opinions about caffeine and addictions of any sort.  Hilda had
little patience with anything that smacked of weakness.

"There are so many ways to explain something of this nature."

Lindsey knew Hilda was trying to be kind.  She was kind; there was
nothing malicious about Hilda Daniels.  Her moral principles were as
straight as her spine.  She knew what was right, and she lived her life
accordingly.  And at this moment , she obviously felt that kindness was
the only response to Lindsey's story.

Lindsey took her cup back to the table and sat down.  "Do you believe
it's possible that it happened the way I say it did?"

Hilda frowned.  "There are laws, universal laws.  Lights that pull you
into their center?  I've never heard of this."

" " Do we understand all those universal laws?  Or is it possible that
there's more we have to learn?  "

"We understand enough to doubt that certain things are possible."

"Then you think I imagined it?"

"They don't do multiplication in first grade."  Geoff

"What does Stefan say?"  stood in the doorway, restlessly kicking his
toe against the

"As little as he can get away with."  Lindsey didn't add, wood trim.  "
q " Yes they do!  My teacher said it would keep me quiet.  " " as
always, although the words formed on her tongue.  She "Well, it didn't
work!"  doubted that Hilda had ever understood why she had qquie ss!  "
" I t in cla " wanted a divorce.  Hilda had created her son in her own
imq'Everyone in first grade should know their tables," Hilda age.  She
probably couldn t imagine why Lindsey had found said.  "If the school
doesn't think so, then she should be in him lacking in any way.  a
better school."

"So what do you do now?"  Hilda asked.  "q , "

She s in a good school.  A very good school.  Lindsey

Lindsey knew the entire episode had been disposed of had been through
the argument about public versus private with those words.  What would
she do now?  schools so many times that her voice was calm.  The
schools

"I'm going to spend the summer on the island.  I've come in suburban
Cleveland were excellent, but Hilda believed pleted the orders I had. I
need a change of scenery for some that her grandchildren should be in
private academies, new inspiration."  training for brilliant futures.
Lindsey believed her children

Lindsey designed and marketed needlework patterns.  In should be right
where they were, learning something about the past two years some of
her designs had been purchased the real world along with arithmetic and
spelling.  Stefan had by a major manufacturer for distribution in craft
stores all allowed her to make the decision.  over the country.  The
income had been welcome, since she "I still don't know mine," Geoff
said.  "I always forget had not wanted to touch the investments that
had been her I my sevens and eights.  And when I come to seven times
eight, share of the divorce settlement.  my head hurts: '

"And you think this is wise?  Going back there after what q "
Fifty-six," Mandy said.  happened to you ?  "

Hilda didn't smile.  Lindsey didn't think she understood

"Whatever happened to me, I want to go."  ) her daughter-in-law or
grandson any more than her son did.  " " I showed Daddy the report I
wrote.  " Mandy came into I Yqrs before, she had discovered that
Lindsey wasn't going the kitchen and hurled herself at her mother.
Lindsey had to allow her to reshape Geoff into someone he didn't want
just enough time to set down her coffee before Mandy to be.  She still
loved her grandson, but now that he was nine, landed in her lap.  in
some elusive way, she seemed to have given up on him.  " .  q Silently
Lindsey applauded Stefan for pouring himself a

Stefan followed.  It s very good.  Her writing has im- q second cup of
coffee and emptying the pot.  "Did Geoff proved.  show you his painting
of the lake?"  she asked him.

"If it improves any more it will look like a computer i " No.  Why
don't you run up and get it?  " Stefan asked.  He printout."  Lindsey
kissed her daughter on the top of her q didn't turn.  head, her lips
touching the flawless white line dissecting Lindsey watched as her
son's brown eyes, so like his

Mandy's scalp.  Hilda had parted Mandy's fine brown hair qj father's,
flicked around the room.  He looked everywhere, and braided it into two
tight braids.  except at Stefan.  "I don't know where it is "

"I told him my multiplication tables, too."

"It's hanging on the wall by your bed," Lindsey said.

"Not anymore.  I moved it."

"Oh."

Geoff pushed a lock of blond hair off his forehead.  It fell again as
soon as he moved his hand.  His hair was the silky blond of hers; his
features, particularly his mouth, were more like his father's.  He was
tall for his age, fine-boned and slender.  He was a striking little
boy; he would be a handsome man.

"How is your baseball team doing?"  Stefan asked.  "You haven't told me
anything about it lately: '

"I don't know.  I quit."

This time Stefan turned.  "You quit?"

"I didn't like it: '

"But you need the activity.  You need to be part of a team ."

"I ride my bike all over the neighborhood."  Geoff ran the toe of his
sneaker along the floorboards.  "Me and my friends are building a
clubhouse at Adam's.  His dad's letting us use his tools " " " That's
nice, but sports are important.  You learn to work with others.  You
develop your body.  " " "I think Geoff's trying to tell you he's doing
those things without playing baseball," Lindsey said.

"It's not the same."

"It's not the same.  It's more fun," Geoff said.  "The clubhouse is in
the trees.  We pretend it's a castle.  It doesn't have a roof, but we
like to see the sky, anyway."

"That way no flying knights can surprise them," Lindsey said.  She
winked at her son to show him that she understood

"If you don't like baseball, there's soccer and flag football ," Stefan
ssid.  "Next fall we'll see about getting you on another team."

Geoff didn't argue.  But from the set of his mouth, Lindsey knew that
Stefan was going to be in for a battle.  The thought didn't displease
her.  Perhaps a confrontation of wills was what Geoff and Stefan needed
to make them understand each other a little better.

The doorbell rang, and Mandy slid off her lap to answer it.

"Were you expecting anybody?"  Stefan asked.

"No.  Maybe it's Mrs.  Charles."

"I doubt it.  She called earlier while you were still sleeping to tell
you that she'd be over after lunch."

"Perhaps I should go."  Hilda stood.  "If you need me, Lindsey, call.
Please.  I would be happy to come and watch the children."

Lindsey could only imagine what her house would look like if Hilda
spent a day there.  Every piece of furniture, every vase and
knickknack, every one of the children's toys, would be cleaned, ordered
and lined up symmetrically.  The kitchen cupboards would be divided
neatly among the four food groups.  Every leftover in the refrigerator
would be properly labeled.

She stood, too, and embraced Hilda.  Her chin rested on Hilda's steel
gray hair.  "You're a dear for taking them yesterday ," she said.  "And
I'll call you if I need you.  But you go home and get to work now.  I'm
feeling fine."

For a moment she believed it herself.  Here, in her own house,
surrounded by her family, she felt no different than she ever had.  The
vanished hours on Kelleys Island seemed like a tall tale invented by
the town fathers to keep tourists away.  Those moonlit hours had
vanished for someone else, not her.  She was the person she had always
been.  Still confused , perhaps, by her feelings for the man who was no
longer her husband.  Fiercely proud and protective of her children.
Accepting and fond of the woman who had once been her mother-in-law.
She was Lindsey Daniels, nothing more.

"Mommy, there's a man with a video camera at the door."  Mandy came
into the kitchen, her eyes glowing with childish excitement.  "He wants
to know if you live here.  He says you saw a spaceship.  Did you see
one?"

"A spaceship?  What did it look like?"  Geoff asked, crossing the room
to her side.  "Were there Martians on board?  "

Lmdsey drew her children to her.  Her eyes met Stefan's.  And she knew
that she was no longer just Lindsey Daniels, mother, ex-wife,
daughter-in-law.  She was someone more.  Much more.

And everything in her life had changed.

Chapter3

tqi cool, wet spring had painted Kelleys Island the emerald green of
that distant island country still peopled by Kelleys of all sizes and
descriptions.  Kelleys Island shared little else with Ireland, however.
Four miles north of Marblehead, Ohio, and twenty miles south of the
Canadian mainland, the 2,800 acre Lake Erie island was an oasis for
summer visitors Accessible only by boat or airplane, laid-back tourism
was the island's major business.  When the visitors went home in the
fall, Kelleys was populated by just over one hundred hardy full-time
residents.

Three weeks after the solitary trip to the island that had ended in
such mystery, Lindsey wished it was even more remote

"Why couldn't we tell anybody where we were going?"  Mandy asked for
the fifth time.

Lindsey held on to the ferry railing.  The lake was gray and the waves
were high.  Clouds were moving faster than the ferry, and she expected
a storm to catch up with them sometime after they docked.

"Don't you ever listen, dork?"  Geoff asked his sister.  "We couldn't
tell anybody because we didn't want to be followed."

"I like talking to people from the newspaper.  And the pretty lady from
television signed her picture for me."

"Mom doesn't like you talking to them.  Neither does Dad: '

"Why didn't we go somewhere else, then?  Somewhere far away.  Like Hawa
."

The question was a good one.  Lindsey wasn't sure why they were on a
boat heading back to the scene of the incident encounter..  sighting.
panic attack.  She had heard it called all those things and worse in
the weeks since she had been found by the roadside.  She was no
ordinary citizen, she had once been the wife of Stefan Daniels, a
neurosurgeon already distinguished in his field.  Someone at one of the
hospitals, someone who obviously appreciated the irony of such a man
having an ex with a brain disorder, had leaked the story to the
media.

From that moment on myriad experts in psychology none of whom had ever
spoken with her-gave their professional opinions about her experience.
Myriad experts in astronomy and physics-who had never set foot on
Kelleys Island-gave their professional opinions about a spaceship
landing there.  Reporters in television and print clamored to interview
her.

Through it all, through opinion and innuendo and lies, Stefan had stood
by her.  He had defended her intelligence and her sanity.  If he had
not defended her version of what had occurred, well, Lindsey realized
that blind faith was more than she could expect from anyone.  Had the
tables been turned, she might have had difficulty accepting the same
story from him.  " " I hope, " she answered Mandy, " " that nobody will
know we've come here.  And if they do find out, I hope they'll decide
it's not worth coming all this way to try to get an interview"

"Grandmother says the story is dying down," Geoff said.

"I think she's right."

"Ever since those men came out and said there was no sign that any kind
of spaceship had landed in that field."

Lindsey stared at the waves.  "I knew nothing would be found, Geoff.
Whoever, whatever, I saw was an accident.  The people on the ship
didn't expect to be seen, and they didn't want to be.  They would have
been careful not to leave any traces.  " " " I believe you "

She turned and ruffled his hair.  "I know you do.  And don't think I'm
not grateful."

"

" How grateful?  "

"Not grateful enough to raise your allowance."  "

" Darn : '

"Besides, there's no place to spend it here, anyway," Mandy said.  " "
Your brother can always find a place to spend money: Lindsey hugged
both her children as the ferry docked.  Then together they went down to
the main deck to check on their van.

Half an hour later they drove the short distance to the cottage. During
the summer months a ferry ran at least every hour to and from the
island until nightfall.  But most of the day-trippers taking the ferry
either biked or rented golf carts to travel the nearly fifty miles of
paved roads.  Lindsey brought her van loaded with supplies for the
summer , but once it was parked beside the cottage, she usually left it
there until it was time to take the ferry back.  The charm of the
island was its tranquility and slow rhythms.

She had been charmed by the island from the first day she had set foot
there.  Four years ago she had brought Geoff to spend a day biking and
sketching, and that evening on the way back to the ferry they had
passed the cottage on a side road on the western half of the island.
The sun was setting, and the sky was an artist's palette of colors. The
cottage , white and Victorian, trapped the sun's fiery display in its
multi paned windows as if starved for color and life.  The yard was
overgrown, with lilac bushes towering to the roof and a garden of
perennials choked with weeds.  q Unable to get the picture out of her
mind, Lindsey asked about the cottage at the ferry landing.  She was
told that it was owned by an old woman named Emma Johnston.  Emma was
in a nursing home in Sandusky now, but she refused to sell.  Yes, the
man at the landing knew which nursing home it was.  No, Emma wouldn't
mind a visitor; she probably had precious few.  Some people thought
that visitors were the reason she had hung on to the cottage for so
long. That way she was guaranteed chats with a couple of potential
buyers each summer.

Lindsey traveled to Sandusky the next morning to introduce herself.
Emma was hard of hearing, but her voice still boomed with enthusiasm.
She liked to talk, and Lindsey liked to listen.  They took to each
other immediately.  Four visits later, Emma sold the cottage to
Lindsey. Two weeks after the sale, Lindsey and Carol, Stefan's right
hand, transported Emma by special ambulance to the island for a final
trip. From a wheelchair Emma instructed Lindsey in the care of
everything in the yard, told her the history of each of the cottage's
antiques, and related stories of people long since gone who had lived
and loved there.  At the end of the day, back in Sandusky, she squeezed
Lindsey's hand in gratitude.  Two months later she died in her sleep.

For Lindsey, the cottage immediately seemed like a second home.  The
children were equally as fond of it.  But it had never really belonged
to Stefan, although his name had also appeared on the deed.  He had
been too busy to spend more than a day or two there each summer.

"Who's that?"  Mandy pointed out the window at a man digging in a
flower bed at the corner of their lane.  The flower bed belonged to the
house closest to theirs, but the equivalent of half a city block
separated them.  From their cottage nothing but trees was visible.

Lindsey raised her hand in greeting as she turned down the lane.  "I
don't know: '

The man raised his hand in answer.  Lindsey got a glance of blond hair
and broad shoulders before he was out of sight.  "What happened to the
Randolphs?"  Geoff rolled his window down and stuck his head out as far
as he could to look behind him.

"They were just renting.  Looks like this man and his family have the
place now.  Maybe the Randolphs will come later: '

"I didn't like the Randolphs.  They didn't have any boys: '

"I liked them," Mandy said.  "They didn't have any boys: '

"Maybe there'll be a boy and girl for each of you this year."  Lindsey
pulled into the driveway.  "qut before you go check, we've got some
unpacking to do."

They hauled box after box out of the van.  Since the few stores on the
island only carried basics, Lindsey had brought enough food and
supplies for the summer.  While the children unpacked their clothes she
filled the chest freezer and refrigerator and restocked the shelves
with canned goods and staples.

The seven-room cottage seemed dearly familiar, aired and dusted and
ready to be occupied.  She had worked to ready it on that day weeks
before when she had come to stay here alone, but now she tried not to
think about that.  On the trip from the ferry she had not passed the
field where she had seen the lights, and she didn't intend to go there
until she was feeling more courageous.  What courage she had once
possessed was gone now, sucked dry by accusations and interrogations
Little by little she had lost the feeling of wellbeing that had been
such a precious gift.

Mandy skipped into the kitchen.  "Somebody's been in my room ."

"You sound just like Baby Bear: Lindsey turned her head to smile at her
daughter.  " Did somebody break your chair and eat your porridge, too?
" q " Somebody really has been there, Mommy.  "

"Well, I was in there last time I came.  I opened windows and vacuumed
and dusted."

"Somebody moved my clothes around.  My shorts are in my top drawer now,
and my shirts are in my second drawer."

Lindsey tried to remember if she had opened Mandy's drawers.  She
couldn't think of a reason why she might have.  Mandy had left little
behind last August, only a few summer things that had been large enough
that she could wear them this summer, too.

"You've probably just forgotten where you put them."  Lindsey held out
a banana from a box she was unloading, and Mandy took it.

"I didn't forget.  I wasn't tall enough to reach the top drawer last
summer."  " " Then I must have moved things around: '

"But you don't remember?"

Lindsey didn't want to tell Mandy that there were large chunks of time
during that particular twenty-four hours that she didn't remember at
all.  "There was a lot to do, and I worked at high-speed.  I probably
rearranged qerything."

"The games in the living room, too?  Scrabble's on the bottom now. It's
never on the bottom because we play it most."

Lindsey vaguely remembered dusting the boxes of board games, but not
rearranging them.  There would have been no point.  "There's nothing to
worry about, sweetheart.  Now, if you notice that something's missing,
then we should worry."

"My stuffed bunny is missing some of his stuffing: '

"Well, I hate to say it, but that's probably mice."

"

" Mice!  " Mandy made a face.

"Field mice.  But don't worry.  I'm sure they prefer living outdoors
when the weather's warm."

"Maybe we should catch some.  For pets."  Geoff came into the kitchen
carrying a deflated basketball.  "There's no air in this anymore."

"It must have a slow leak," Lindsey said, handing him a banana, too.

"There's no air in my football, either.  Can we catch some mice?
Please?  "

"No.  Field mice were meant to live in fields, not in cages."

"

" Then can we have a dog?  "

"Dogs were meant to live in somebody else's house."

"You like dogs."

She did like dogs; Geoff had her number.  Stefan was the prime reason
they had never owned one.  Dogs were whimsical creatures that barked
when people were trying to sleep, and chewed on slippers and table
legs.  They had to be taken for walks at odd moments, and theyq
demanded affection when it was least convenient.  It wasn't that Stefan
had insisted that everything be orderly and troublqfree.  It was just
that when the world wasn't that way, he didn't entirely comprehend it.
She had never felt brave enough to introduce the unknown of a dog into
the equation of their lives.

"Please?"  Mandy asked, adding her plea to her brother 's.

"It might be nice," Lindsey admitted.  "But not for the summer. There's
no place to get one here.  Maybe after school starts."

"If we had one now, it could protect us: '

Geoff didn't have to spell out what they might need protection from.
Lindsey gave up trying to create order in the cupboards.  She crossed
the room and gave Geoff a big hug.  "This is a very safe place to be.
Safer than any city.  I know what happened to me was strange, but I
wasn't hurt at all.  Nothing and nobody is going to hurt you,
either."

He squirmed a little, as if to point out that nine was awfully old for
such goings-on.  But he didn't move out of her

, arms.  Nine was also a time when a mother s hug-if no"It's unusual
enough to be interesting," Lindsey said.  "Is body important was
watching-still had appeal.  ) it a family name?"

"Somebody's at the front door."  Mandy dropped her Hehesitated.  "No."
banana peel in the trash and took off through the cottage.  "Do you
have kids?"  Geoff asked.

"Mandy, wait!"  Lindsey hurried after her.  Something q "I guess you're
going to have to tell them."  Lindsey ad clutched in her chest.  She
had never been afraid on the is- y mired him as they spoke.  Alden
Fitzpatrick was a hand land before.  Now, despite her reassurance to
Geoff, there q some man.  The glimpse she'd had of him had not prepared
were a host of reasons to worry, ranging from pushy re, her for the
real thing.  He was tall and broad-shouldered.  His porters to aliens.
q face was defined by strong bones, with a chin that pointed

"Tell ET.  to phone home," Geoff called from the out clearly that he
was someone to be taken seriously.  His kitchen.  q hair was a thatch
of bronze curls and his eyes a clear lake

"Let me see who it is before you open the door," Lind- ) blue.  When he
smiled his eyes turned bluer still.  sey said.  She went to the window
and brushed aside a sheer q "Kids?  Children?  No."

drape to peek out at the front porch.  The man they had seen ; "Darn."
Mandy shook her head.  "Are you going to stay all summer?"  at the end
of the lane was waiting patiently.  q " " Mandy !  " Lindsey pulled the
little girl to stand beside

Go ahead.  her again.  Her fingers pressed into Mandy's shoulder in

Mandy threw open the door with enthusiasm.  "Hi.  Are you our new
neighbor?"  I warning.  ",

He smiled.  "I'll be living in the house at the end of the q. Alden
laughed.  I 11 bet you wanted somebody to play , , with.  " road for
the summer.  q "Do you have a dog?"  Geoff asked.

"What happened to the Randolphs?"

Alden hesitated.  "Nope.  Afraid not."

He looked puzzled.  "Randolphs?"  q "q ck?"

" " The people who lived there last summer: !  " at can we do for you,
Mr.  Fitzpatri Lindsey

"I guess they didn't want to come back."  asked.  !  "Nothing, really.
I just wanted to introduce myself."

"Do you have kids?"  '

"Enough questions, Mandy."  Lindsey went to Mandy's Lindsey wondered if
that was really all he had wanted to side and put a hand on her
shoulder.  "Come in.  I'm Lind- q do.  As they d talked his clear blue
eyes had taken in everything around him.  He had no children, not even
a dog.  Yet sey Daniels, and this is Mandy.  She heard a noise behind ,
he was spending the summer on a quiet island in Lake Erie her and saw
that Geoff had followed.  She introduced him, q when most men his
age-she judged him to be in his early too.  thirties-would have been
busy clawing their way up the

"I'm Alden Fitzpatrick: Alden stepped inside and held corporate ladder
or, at the least, vacationing with golf clubs out his hand.  Lindsey
shook it; his hand swallowed hers.  or scuba gear.  She was not by
nature suspicious, but the last

"I don't know anybody named Alden," Mandy said, I weeks had taught her
to be cautious.  when Alden offered her his hand.  "I'm glad you came
over," she said.  "Are you enjoying

He shook Geoff's, too, before he answered.  "Is it so un- q the island
so far?"  usual, then?  " ) " It's a lovely place.  "

She noted the way he hesitated a moment or two each time just before he
spoke.  She'd once had a friend with a slight stutter, and the best way
he'd found to combat it had been to rehearse exactly what he was going
to say before speaking She wondered if Alden had a similar problem, or
if his hesitation was more the action of someone carefully trying to
avoid telling the truth.

"Is this a vacation for you?"  she asked more boldly.

"Vacation?"  He smiled broadly.  "Well, it's definitely a change from
what I usually do."

"And what's that?"

"I'm a physician: '

"Really?  The children's father is a neurosurgeon.  Do you specialize?
"

He seemed to find that an odd question.  "Specialize?  No, I take any
patients who need me."

"Then you're a general practitioner," Geoff said.

"From what I can tell, any kind of doctor's at a premium here on the
island.  So if you need me for anything this summer, just call."

Lindsey was surprised.  "That's very kind.  Most doctors don't want to
treat patients while they're on vacation: '

"I might forget how if I don't practice."

Lindsey couldn't help herself.  She answered his smile with one of her
own.  "Stefan, that's the children's father, never finds the time to
get away.  How on earth can you manage a whole summer off?  "

"Well, I'm really here to do some studying.  And there were others who
could take over my practice while I'm gone."

"Couldn't somebody take over for Dad sometimes?"  Geoff asked.

Lindsey imagined that idea had never occurred to Geoff before.  Stefan
and work had always seemed wedded for better or worse.  Alden was
spreading subversive doctrine.

"Your father has a different kind of practice," Lindsey explained,
aware that making excuses for Stefan wasn't going to work for too many
more years.

Alden fingered the doorknob.  His hands reminded Lindsey of Stefan's,
long-fingered and broad.  "I'll be going.  But I just wanted to tell
the children that somebody built a house in a big tree a hundred yards
from my front door.  I'm too big to spend much time in it.  I thought
maybe they'd like to claim it as their own for the summer."

"A tree house?"  Geoff's eyes widened.  "I don't remember a tree house!
"

Lindsey didn't remember one, either.  She wondered how they could have
missed it the previous summer.

"I've been up to look at it," Alden said.  "it's sturdy, and not too
high to be wonied about.  Why don't you come have a look at it later?
"

"Can we?"  Geoff and Mandy asked together.

"I don't see why not."  But despite her words, Lindsey could think of
some very real reasons not to let them.

What if Alden wasn't who he claimed to be?  What if he was pretending
to be friendly because what he really wanted was a story?  She couldn't
imagine any reporter going to such extreme lengths to win her trust.
After all, there were socalled

IlFO sightings on a regular basis.  Her story had been less sensational
than that of the man from Iowa who'd claimed that when he' dbeen taken
on board an alien vessel recently, he'd run into Elvis and Abraham
Lincoln.

Still, she'd learned firsthand that the media preyed heavily on anyone
with a claim to fame.  She was Stefan's ex-wife, and she'd had some
success nationally with her needlework Therefore she was more
interesting than an Iowa farmer or the old woman from New Mexico who
had recently encountered aliens that looked like-in her own words-giant
green tomatoes with celery stick legs.

"Well, I'll be home all day.  I'll see you when I see you," Alden told
the children.  He turned his attention to Lindsey.

"I'm glad to have met you.  Call on me if you need anything"

"You do the same," she said politely.  "It's a small islanqd People
take care of each other here."  She meant the , last as a warning, but
if he understood, he didn't show it.  " " That's the way it should be.
" He said goodbye to the children and shook her hand once more.  Then
he was gone.

Emma Johnston had never married.  Instead, her flowers and shrubs had
gotten the care she might have given children if she'd had them.
Lindsey loved everything about the cottage, but the patio and English
country garden behind it had completely captured her heart.  She
enjoyed taking care of Emma's garden-she never thought of it any other
way.  She had carefully taken notes about each plant in addition to
Emma's instructions for watering and fertilizing them.  Along with
groceries and supplies, each summer she brought flats of annuals to
intersperse with the perennials just making their debut in the warming
ground.

By late afternoon she had unpacked and settled in.  The children, after
a lecture on how to behave around strangers , had gone to inspect
Alden's tree house.  Since there were still several hours of daylight
left, Lindsey decided to go outside and begin planting the blue
ageratum that by the height of summer would spill its lacy flowers
along the border of the brick patio.

Half a flat later she lost interest.  There was plenty of time to
plant, but now the sky was fast darkening with the storm that had been
threatening since they left the ferry.  She loved storms, the wild
display of power and beauty that man could not create himself.  She
considered walking through the woods to the lake to watch it build, but
she didn't want the children coming back to an empty house.  Instead
she went in to make a cup of tea, then brought it outside to drink
while she sat on a wooden bench on the patio to watch the clouds
gather.

Since coming back to the island she had forced her mind away from the
night when she had encountered the beings from another galaxy.  Now,
enthralled by the mystery of distant lightning, she could no longer
push those memories away.  So little would come into focus, yet she
felt no frustration She knew, without knowing how, that she was not
supposed to have remembered anything.  And she was not supposed to have
ended up by the roadside.  Nothing had happened exactly as it was
supposed to from the moment she had seen the lights in the field.

And where were the beings now?  What distant star were they exploring?
What had they learned from their visit here?

A light rain began to fall, but, engrossed in her thoughts, she ignored
it.  She had been part of something miraculous, something so far beyond
human comprehension that suspicion was the only natural response to
expect from others.  For hours, or perhaps only minutes, she had been
part of something that words could not describe.  And now she felt as
if she were part of nothing.  She was the mother of two wonderful
children; she was an artist.  But at that moment she was only terribly,
terribly lonely, as if something precious had disappeared from her
life.

The rain fell harder, and she could no longer pretend it was going to
pass over.  The children were at Alden's, and she needed to get them
home before the full fury of the storm broke.  She rose and followed
the brick pathway to the road.

By the time she reached it the rain was falling harder still.  She was
beginning to feel chilled; in moments her clothes were as wet as the
ground at her feet.  She shaded her eyes to see if the children had
started home, but she couldn't see more than twenty yards in front of
her.  She called their names and picked up her pace.

She was halfway to Alden's when she heard a car engine.  Surprised, she
stepped to the grass.  A Peugeot appeared through the thick curtain of
rain.  A door opened, and a familiar voice shouted at her to get in.

Gratefully she obeyed.  "Stefan?  What on earth are you doing here? "

"Rescuing my children and my wife."

She didn't point out that the second was no longer true.  "Well, we're
grateful."  She turned to look at Geoff and Mandy, subdued and soaked
on the back seat.  "Why didn't you start home before the storm hit?  I
told you if the sky got darker you were to come straight home."

"But we couldn't see the sky through the trees."  Mandy squirmed
uncomfortably.  "And we forgot."

"Not a very good thing to forget.  A tree house is no place to be in a
storm."

"That's what Alden said.  He came and got us when the rain started.  He
was taking us back to his house when Dad saw us."

"Who is that man?"  Stefan asked.  "And what were Geoff and Mandy doing
at his house in a thunderstorm?"

Lindsey understood Stefan well enough to know that his voice got
quieter, his words more measured, when he was worried or upset.  "He's
our new neighbor," she said.  Her own anger surprised her, replacing
her gratitude.  "He told the children they could play in a tree house
down the road from his house.  It's on his property.  And there was no
thunderstorm when they left.  I don't keep them inside if the skies get
dark.  Getting wet has never killed anybody."

"

" Lightning has.  "

"They'd been told to come home if the weather got worse."

"Well, I'm glad I came along when I did: '

"I'm glad, too, but everything would have been fine if you hadn't.
Alden had the children with him, and I was on my way to get them."

"You're soaked.  You need to take care of yourself now."

"Now?  As opposed to before I was found on the roadside not too far
from here?  Did that somehow make me vulnerable to disease?"  Lindsey
looked straight ahead.

"What are you doing here, anyway?  Why are you on the island ?"

Stefan pulled into the driveway and turned off the engine' My attorney
has a cottage on the other side.  He's not going to be coming out often
this summer, and he's invited me to use it whenever I want.  He keeps
this car here.  "

She didn't point out that he had never wanted to use their own cottage
while it had still belonged to him.  The children were listening, and
she had already said too much.

"Please come in," she said.  "I'll make some cocoa."

"With marshmallows?"  Mandy asked.

"You bet," Lindsey said.  "But first, you have to dry off and
change."

Geoff spoke for the first time since Lindsey had gotten into the car.
"Are we going to be allowed to go back to Alden 's?  The tree house is
great.  It's big.  And it's got a table and chairs.  It's even got
shelves to put things on: '

"Only if you can remember to come home when you're supposed to " She
glanced at Stefan and saw that he didn't approve of her answer, but she
didn't defend herself.  She didn't linger after the children slammed
their doors.  She followed them, not waiting to see if Stefan would
follow, too.  Inside she went to her room and stripped off her clothes.
Once dry, she pulled on a skirt and blouse and went downstairs.

She found Stefan in the kitchen.  He had carefully laid out four mugs,
four brightly colored mugs with their names painted on them.  She
realized that she had never stored his away.  Almost as if she had been
waiting for him to come back.

"You don't have any right to be critical," she said, before he could
question her again.  "I've never let anything happen to Geoff and
Mandy, and nothing's any different now.  But kids don't always do what
they're told.  If you knew them better, you'd understand that."

He looked up.  His expression didn't change.  "Who are you angry at,
Lindsey?"

She realized that she didn't know.  She was so seldom angry that the
experience was almost too new to comprehend.  She didn't, couldn't,
answer.

"You know I think you're a good mother.  If I didn't, I would have
fought you for custody."

"I'm sorry."  She crossed to the cupboard and took down the cocoa.

"Are you upset because I'm here?"

"You're checking up on me."

He didn't deny it.  "I wanted to see if you were settled in all right.
I knew if I'd offered to help, you would have refused" " " There was a
time when I would have given almost anything just to get you out here.
"

"I know " " " Alden's a doctor, too.  A general practitioner.  He's
here for the summer to do some studying: " " Strange, don't you think,
that he can take a whole summer off like that?  "

"You saw him.  He doesn't look like an ax murderer to me."

"He could be from the media."

"Don't you think I've thought of that?"  She set the cocoa on the
counter and took a deep breath.  "I'm sorry.  I really don't know
what's wrong with me today."

"Will you be upset with me if I make a guess?"

She shook her head.  He moved behind her, so close she could feel his
warmth through her cotton blouse, though he didn't touch her.  "I'd
guess," he said, "that coming here, even though you felt drawn to do
it, isn't an easy thing for you.  It has to stir up memories."

"It does, but not the kind you think."

"Noq"

She turned.  He was just inches from her, but he didn't move away. "Not
bad memories, Stefan.  Good ones.  Memories of the few times we were
here together.  Memories of watching the children grow each summer. 
Memories of Emma Johnston and her funny antiques and wonderful garden."
 She put her hand over her heart.  "Memories here."

"And memories of the last time you came?"

"Those, too.  You can't understand this.  Nobody can.  But those
memories are beautiful.  So beautiful.  And now I'm losing them.
Everyday I lose a little more.  And Emma's gone.  And you're gone."

"I'm right here."

"No.  You never were.  That was an illusion.  I just feel so empty."
She patted her chest again.  "Do you know, can you know, what I
mean?"

"Don't you think I've ever been lonely?"

"I don't know."

"I can't believe that."

"Can't you?  When did you ever tell me you were?  You always had your
work, your books, your conversations with your colleagues.  When did
you have the time to be lonely?  "

He didn't answer.

"I don't blame you:' She turned away from him.  " Maybe it's all my
fault.  Maybe I just want more than anybody can give me.  Maybe I'm
just too needy "

He put his hands on her should en

"Why do I feel so empty?"  she asked.

His fingers stroked the side of her neck.  Up, then back.  Slowly, so
slowly.  "I have studying to do this summer, too.  Just like your
neighbor.  I'll be here often."

She wanted to tell him not to touch her, yet she didn't want him to
know what his touch could still do to her.  "You don't have to come.
I'll be fine.  We'll be fine."

"I want to.  I need to come."  He paused.  For a moment she thought he
was finished.  Then he added, "I've got to get to know my children.
You've been right about that: '

Tears filled her eyes.  She wasn't sure if they were triggered by his
hands or words.  "Really?"

"Yes."  He began to knead her shoulders.  His hands, a surgeon's hands,
healed and soothed.  And aroused.  "I need suggestions.  I don't even
know how to begin."

"Just show them you love them."

He laughed softly, and his breath warmed her ear.  "It's always been
that easy for you."

" " They want a dog.  " She wasn't sure where the words had come from.
But they had been spoken before she could think better of them.

"A dog?"

"Yes."  "

" That's a good idea.  I always wanted a dog.  "

She faced him again, forcing his hands to his sides.  "You wanted a
dog?"

He sent her one of his fleeting smiles.  " " I must have.  What little
boy doesn't?  "

"Did you ever have one?"

"In Hilda Daniels's house?"

"Why didn't you ever suggest that we get one, then?"

"I didn't know you liked dogs.  You never said anything" " " You never
asked !  "

He stared at her, his eyes inscrutable.  Moments went by.  Finally he
shook his head.  The movement was almost imperceptible' What kind of
dog do they want?  "

"They'd be happy with anything you got them, I'm sure."

"A dog would be good protection out here."

"Geoff said that, too.  He's definitely your son."

"Is he?  I always wondered."  He smiled again to assure her he was
joking.

"But there's never been any doubt about Mandy, has there?  She's so
much like you, it's uncanny."

"

" And you love her anyway?  "

Her answer was so forceful, it surprised them both.  "

" With all my heart.  "

They stared at each other.

Mandy broke the spell.  "Where's my cocoa?"  She barreled into the
room, skirted her father's legs and threw herself at her mother.

Shaken, Lindsey stooped and lifted her daughter until Mandy was between
her and Stefan.  "Did you interrupt adults this way when you were
little?"  she asked him.

"You weren't my mother," he said.  "I didn't dare."

"Grandmother says my manners need improving," Mandy said.  " " I like
your manners fine, " Stefan assured her.

Mandy's eyes widened.  Then, tentatively, she held out her arms. Stefan
took her, and she hugged him.  Then she scrambled down.  "I've got to
get the marshmallows: '

Lindsey watched the expression on Stefan's face.  The changes were
subtle, so very subtle.  But she imagined he would look much the same
if a truck knocked him fifty yards into the middle lane of a freeway.

She didn't dare examine the fact that the loneliness that had so
overwhelmed her only moments before had disappeared like the storm
outside.

Chapter 4

Lindsey stood beside the windswept field and gazed across its length to
the woods beyond.  Her sketch pad rested on a fence post, and her hand
hovered over it.  But it had hovered there for minutes, and nothing had
yet appeared on the paper.

She could not remember the last time she'd been here.  No images rose
from the green grass to taunt her; no colored fights twirled through
her imagination.  She stared at the field, and it was like staring at a
place she had never seen before.  If she had encountered another life
form here, if her own life had been forever transformed on this spot,
surely something would seem special.  But as she stared she felt
nothing.  The field was wide and green, and there was nothing else to
see.

"Aren't you going to draw?"  Mandy asked.  "See, I made a picture of
that tree."

Lindsey looked down at her daughter's drawing.  The tree was in plain
sight at the edge of the field, and Mandy had captured it nicely. There
was a fluid sweep of ground across half the paper, then the tres
bending against the wind.  The drawing, like the field itself, gave
Lindsey the same barren feeling she had experienced on her first day
back on the island

In the three weeks since she and the children had been living here, she
had experienced that feeling often.

"That's very good, Mandy.  Let's find something else to draw."  She
closed her own pad and turned her back on that strange night in May.

"Shouldn't we get Geoff?"

Lindsey looked at her watch.  " " We have a little time, but maybe we
should head back.  Geoff can show us what he and

Alden have done.  "

"I wanted to help them build the fence."

"I know you did.  But Alden just needed one helper, and

Geoff is bigger.  I bet he lets you help the next time.  " " "Geoff is
bigger, but I'm smarter "

"Sorry, but no, Mandy.  You and Geoff are different,

That's all.  You learn differently.  You're good at different things.
"

"I get excellents in school."

"And that's good.  I'm glad you like to learn."  "

" Geoff doesn't.  "

"Geoff likes to learn, too.  But Geoff likes to learn best when he's
not in school."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"

" It might when you 're older.  " j " I wish I was the biggest.  "

"I know you do."  Lindsey bent and kissed the top of

Mandy's head.  "But you don't have to be the biggest or the smartest
for me to love you.  You just have to be Mandy."

Mandy giggled.  "I am Mandy, silly.  I can't be anybody else."

"That's a big relief."

The bike trip back to the cottage took twenty minutes.

The afternoon promised to be warm, but late morning was still pleasant,
cooled by wind off the lake and clouds drifting over the sun.  They
turned into Alden's drive and stood their bikes against a tree.  Then
they went to find Alden and Geoff.

The fence had been Geoff's idea from the beginning.  On one of Geoff's
visits to the tree house, Alden had told him that he was planting a
vegetable garden.  He had invited the little boy to see the plot he was
spading in a sunny patch of lawn at the back of the house.  Geoff's
enthusiasm had mirrored

Alden's own.  Together, the two males had laid out rows and planned
exactly what to plant.  Neither had the slightest idea what he was
doing; neither cared in the slightest, either.

Mandy had only been peripherally interested until talk of a fence
began.  The first green bean seedlings had been mowed to the ground by
tiny rabbit teeth.  The sunflowers had quickly met the same fate.
Lindsey had gone to pick up the children at Alden's house one day after
the sunflower massacre to find the three of them sitting at the
garden's edge watching two baby rabbits chew their way through the
second planting of beans.

"You don't seem to have the hang of this," Lindsey had told them,
shooing the baby bunnies back into the woods, where Mrs.  Rabbit was
undoubtedly preparing chamomile tea for them.  " " I took an oath to do
no harm, " Alden said.  " " It was never specified to whom or what: '

Geoff had come up with the idea of a fence that night.  The next day he
had drawn up a design after riding his bike into town to see what
materials were available.  Alden had been as enthusiastic about the
fence as he had been about the garden.

Alden was a man who understood children.

"Do you think the plants will grow now?"  Mandy asked.

"If Alden and Geoff aren't too soft-hearted to weed."

"I can weed," Mandy said.

Lindsey smiled.  "You're ruthless.  You're just what they need."

"They don't want me.  They wouldn't let me build the fence."

Lindsey had a theory about that.  Alden seemed to sense Geoff's need
for a man in his life.  Although she still didn't trust Alden's
explanation of why he was spending the summer on the island, she
couldn't help but like him.  In addition to being one of the most
attractive men she had ever met, he was a gentle man, sensitive to
everything around him.  He had befriended Geoff at a time in the boy's
life when he was searching for role models.  Despite her misgivings ,
at the moment she couldn't think of a better one..  except Geoff's own
father.

She soothed Mandy's hurt feelings.  "Alden told me that he was counting
on you to help him look for wild strawberries tomorrow."

"He says I have eyes like an eagle."  "

" High praise.  "

They found Geoff and Alden inside Alden's house drinking lemonade.
Alden was listening as Geoff explained how to win at his favorite home
video game.  He stood when they walked into the kitchen, and gave
Lindsey one of his warm, easy smiles.  Then he patted the chair next to
him for Mandy.  " " Lemonade?  " he asked.

They sat, and he filled glasses for them while Geoff chatted on. "Well,
it sounds pretty tricky," he said, when Geoff had finished.  "I don't
know if I'd be up to it."

"Alden has never played a video game.  Never!"  Geoff told his
mother.

"Now, that was supposed to be our secret," Alden said.

"I thought there wasn't a male alive who hadn't gotten hooked." Lindsey
set her lemonade down after several polite sips.  She could swear that
Alden's version of lemonade had no sugar in it.  She watched Geoff and
Mandy try to struggle through their portions.  It was a mark of their
affection for him.

"Dad doesn't play, either," Geoff said.

Lindsey stood.  "And speaking of your father, he's going to be here
pretty soon, so we'd better get back home.  Are you two going to show
us the fence before we go?"

The children gratefully set down their lemonade glasses; then Alden and
Geoff led the way to the garden.

The fence was a masterpiece of post and wire mesh; the gate was sheer
artistry.

"Geoff, this was your idea?"  Lindsey asked.  "It's wonderful" She
stared at the design.  Thin wooden slats crisscrossed more wooden slats
in a complicated pattern of triangles and squares.  There was nothing
ordinary about it.  And there was nothing ordinary about her reaction.
She was enthralled.  " " Part of it was my idea, " Geoff said proudly.
" "And part of it was Alden's."

Lindsey stood at another angle.  Just as she'd suspected, the design
looked different now.  "It reminds me of something I can't think what:
'

"It makes me dizzy," Mandy said.

"Well, I like it," Geoff said.

"I spent a year in Paris while I was in college," Lindsey told Alden. "
" I was interested in sculpture.  Maybe this reminds me of something I
saw there.  " " " Parisian sculpture?"  Alden put his hand on Geoff's
shoulder.  "Apparently we're more talented than we thought."

"I wish I could remember what...."  Lindsey shrugged.  "But my memory
isn't as great as it used to be."

"No?"  Alden sounded interested.  "What makes you say that?"

She caught herself just before she started to tell him about her
experience in the field.  It was increasingly hard to believe tri at
Alden might be after a story.  But she was sensitive to nuance, and he
had seemed particularly interested in her comment.  Perhaps he had
recognized it as the perfect lead-in to an interview of sorts.  And she
didn't want to find herself in a newspaper headline again.

"I think I just have more to remember these days," she said.  She
reached for Mandy's hand.  "We've got to go now.  Thanks a lot for
letting Geoff spend the morning here."

"Geoff's always welcome," Alden said.  "And Mandy, too."  He smiled and
touched Lindsey's arm.  His hand lingered for a long moment before it
dropped back to his side.  "And, of course, their mother."

The dog was a mutt.  Not purebred, not registered, licensed or deflead.
Not even cute.  It had the droopy ears and sad eyes of a basset hound,
the matted, kinky fur of an ungroomed poodle and the appetite of King
Kong.

Stefan fed the dog another in a long series of fast-food hamburgers. It
finished in one gulp, then belched, wagging a mangy tail throughout the
whole process.

"That dog botherin' you?"  A young man who had been diligently wiping
the tables on the restaurant patio came over to Stefan's table.

"No.  Is he supposed to?"

The man frowned.  "

" What?  "

"I thought this might be a new marketing technique.  I've bought him
four hamburgers so far."

"Manager called the pound.  Dog's been hanging around for days.  Some
guy in an old truck dropped him off.  Manager 's tired of him botherin'
people.  Not sanitary.  You know?  "

Stefan knew.  He also knew what would happen to the dog once he passed
through the animal shelter's doors.  "Poor fellow: The dog wagged his
tail harder.  He moved closer to Stefan, stretched out on the ground at
his feet and put his head on his paws.

"Dogs, they're a dime a dozen," the young man said philosophically
before he headed back inside.

"Thrown out like an old shoe, huh, Kong?"  Stefan asked the dog.  "What
happened?  Did you eat too much?  Bark?  Get fleas on the rug?"

Kong rolled over and waved all four legs in the air.  Stefan saw that
his paws were way out of proportion to the rest of his body.  He was a
young dog, already a large dog.  He would be a huge dog when he was
finished growing-something he would probably never get to do.  "Did you
bite somebody?  Get in fights over pretty little girl dogs?"

The paws waved harder.

"I can't take you home," Stefan apologized.  "I'm sorry, but I really
can't " He realized he was talking to a dog in a public place, but he
couldn't seem to stop himself.  "I live in an apartment, and they won't
let me keep you there.  My children want a dog, but not one like you:
'

He thought of the careful research he had done.  In the last weeks he'd
read volumes on breeds and listed the best possibilities for children
and the care requirements.  He had visited pet stores and breeders and
watched puppies romp.  He had made notes on their temperament, their
relationships to their siblings and their relative sizes.  Just five
days before, he had put down a large deposit on a cocker spaniel with
blood lines purer than Britain's royal heir.  The puppy would be ready
to take home at the end of the month.  He was going to tell Geoff and
Mandy today when he got to the cottage.

"I'm sorry," Stefan apologized.  "I really am."

Kong rolled over again.  He sat up and stared directly into Stefan's
eyes.  His tongue lolled halfway to his chest.

If Stefan hadn't known it was impossible, he would have said the dog
was smiling.

Stefan knocked on the front door of the cottage.  He heard shouts from
the back of the house, but he didn't open the door.  The house had once
belonged to him, but it no longer did.  He was a guest now, and guests
waited for doors to be answered.

Something rubbed against his leg, but he didn't look down.  He knew
only too well what it was.

The door opened.  "Stefan, you're late.  I thought you'd be here an
hour" Lindsey looked down.  She looked up.  "Stefan?"

"I had nothing to do with this: '

"Nothing?"  Lindsey stooped.  The ugliest dog she had ever seen lunged
forward and almost knocked her on her bottom.

"Down, Kong!"  Stefan dragged the dog back with the new collar he'd
bought him on the way.  It was the largest size that the drugstore had
stocked, and in another month it would be too tight.

"Kong?"  Lindsey brushed off her skirt as she stood.  "Kong?"  She
couldn't help herself.  She started to laugh.

"You can name him anything you want.  Anything: '

"Me?  Why me?  This isn't my dog "

"Dad?"  Geoff stopped three feet from the merriment.  His eyes widened.
"What's that?"

Stefan understood why Geoff had to ask.  "A dog.  A stray.  They were
going to take him to the pound: He didn't add that he had barely gotten
the dog in his car before an evil-looking man had driven up in a truck
with three howling captives in cages.  He and Kong had escaped just in
time.

"The pound?"  Lindsey's smile turned to something else.  Something sad
and wistful.  Stefan hoped it was the beginning of acceptance.  He
released Kong's collar, and the dog started for Geoff.  To Geoff's
credit, he didn't retreat.

"He stinks!"  Geoff wrapped his arms around Kong's neck anyway.

"There's got to be a stronger word than stink," Lindsey said.

"I stopped and bought flea shampoo for him and-"

"Fleas?  Stefan, what have you done to me?"  "

" And medication .  "

"Is he sick?"

"Just a precaution against parasites:"

"

" Parasites?  "

Stefan had the grace to look away.  He watched Geoff bury his face in
Kong's matted fur.  "I would have taken him to the vet if I could have.
But it's Sunday, and I didn't pick him up in Cleveland.  I picked him
up on the way.  I'll make an appointment in Sandusky for early next
week.  And I'll find somebody to come out here and get him and take him
in for shots and an exam."

"Darn right you will."

"You said the children would like a dog."

"I must have been out of my mind."

Something about the way she said it made him look at her.  She was
smiling again.  He remembered too well how it felt to be bathed in this
kind of warmth.  As always, she looked lovely.  Her dress was the color
of lilacs, with a huge white collar that draped over her shoulders. Her
hair was drawn back from her forehead with a silver band.  And her
smile.  Her fairy princess smile.  " " 9 y

I must have been out of my mind, too, he said uietl.

"And into your heart," she said.  "Your warm, sensitive heart."

"I just didn't want him to suffer."

"I think he may suffer from an excess of love if he lives here."

"If?"

"Can we keep him?"  Geoff asked.  His sentence was punctuated by a
squeal from Mandy, who came skidding through the hallway.  "He's
beautiful!  "

"I don't think I'm going to have much to say about it," Lindsey said.

She stepped aside, and Stefan skirted the heap of children and reeking
dog.  He tried to bring some order to the ensuing chaos.  "Geoff, the
shampoo's in the car.  You and Mandy are going to have to learn to take
care of him.  He's your dog now."

"What's his name?"  Mandy demanded.

"He doesn't have-"

"Kong," Lindsey said firmly.

"

" Like Hong Kong?  "

Lindsey looked at Stefan.  "Morelike King Kong.  Right?"

"They can call him anything they want," Stefan said.

"Kong."  Geoff lifted his head.  "I like it."  "

" Prince," Mandy argued.

"Prinoe?"  Geoff made a face.  "Not my dog."

"He's not your dog!  He's my dog, too!"

"Shall we let them fight?"  Lindsey asked.  She took Stefan 's arm.  He
looked bewildered.  He had never understood that children sometimes
resorted to primitive tactics.  "They'll work it out: '

"I had another dog all picked out."

She dragged him toward the kitchen.  "Did you?"

"A cocker.  A purebred.  You don't want two dogs, do you?  "

"I'm not even sure I want this one."

"I'm sorry I've done this to you: '

"Are you really?  I don't think so.  I think you're pathetically
grateful I'm taking him.  I think you've been completely knocked off
your pins: She pushed him toward a kitchen chair.  " Sit.  I'll get you
some coffee.  "

"He could go to the pound."

"Sure he could: '

"Maybe somebody would adopt him: " "Nobody in their right mind: " "The
children seem happy with him."

Lindsey measured mocha java beans into an antique grinder she had
bought at a flea market.  "I went back to the field today."  She fell
silent, staring down at the grinder.  She didn't know where the words
had come from.

Stefan watched her carefully, all thoughts of the dog forgotten " " Did
you?  " " "There was nothing there that seemed familiar."

"And you thought there might be?"

She nodded and began to grind.

Lindsey had always made the mundane tasks of daily living into
ceremonies.  Now Stefan watched her with the coffee.  She didn't hurry.
Her arms moved in time to her own internal music.  Her body swayed with
the rhythm.  Something hot and long-repressed streaked through him.  He
remembered all too well the feel of that swaying body beneath his.

His voice was sharper than he'd intended.  "What did you expect?  A
sign that you'd really seen something from another world?  "

"Maybe."  She could smell the aroma of the beans now.  She stopped
grinding, but she held the mill against her possessively'I thought
there would be something.  "

"Don't you think you'll be happier if you try to put it behind you?"

"Will I?  Have you had so much experience with cases like mine?  " She
remembered that she was supposed to be making coffee.  She set the mill
on the counter and stood on tiptoe to reach for a filter.

"I wish you would let me do a really thorough workup, Lindsey."

"I know you do.  But there's no reason to.  Nothing showed up on the
tests that were done the day I was brought in "

"There are other tests."

"And no reason to do them."  She didn't tell him about the deep sense
of loneliness she'd been experiencing or the absentmindedness.  How
could it help to tell him that she was suffering emotionally from the
effects of all she had undergone?

"You're feeling well?  No headaches?  No odd sensations ?"

She smiled despite herself.  "If I'd known how much attention you'd pay
to this, I would have been looking for LTFOs every night of our
marriage."  She stopped smiling when she saw his expression change. She
had meant the words as a joke, but she saw that they had resurrected
bitterness

"I'm sorry.  I was just teasing, but I guess we haven't come far enough
for that, have we?"

He didn't answer.

"Did you ever guess how hard it was going to be to pull this off?"  she
asked at last.  She poured boiling water over the grounds and watched
the coffee drip slowly in the hourglass -shaped pot.  It would be worth
the trouble when it was finished.  " " Pull what off?  "

"A friendly divorce.  People think marriage is hard.  They don't
realize divorce is every bit as difficult."

"Only if you're trying to be civilized."

"Are we?"

"I don't know.  I'm just trying to get through it one day at a time."

She stared at him.  The words were as much a revelation of his feelings
as any he'd ever spoken.  "You've never said it was difficult, Stefan.
It wasn't much of a change for you, was it?  You can live closer to the
hospital now.  You don't have to feel torn if you want to work
nights."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Whatever you want to."  She turned away and fussed with the coffeepot,
pouring more hot water over the grounds.

"Are you sure you want to hear an honest answer?"

She considered.  "I don't know."

"I didn't think so."

Geoff ran into the kitchen, the dog and Mandy at his heels.  Geoff
stopped, and Mandy and the dog stopped, too.  But not in time.  There
was a pile up, ending in a writhing mass of dog fur and children's
limbs.

Ceoff was the first to untangle himself.  "Can we show him to Alden?
Can we take Kong over there?"

"

" Kong?  " Lindsey asked.

"Prinq Kong the First," Mandy said.  "But we're going to call him Kong
unless he's bad."

"Can we show him to Alden?"  Geoff repeated.

Lindsey looked at Stefan.  "Your father just got here, guys.  Don't run
out on him yet."

"Just for a minute?"  - "There's a leash in the bag with the flea
shampoo," Stefan said.  "Better put him on it, or he might run away. He
doesn't know you're his family yet."

"

" Then we can go?  "

Stefan nodded.  The children took off the way they had come.  In a
minute there was a resounding slam of the front door.

"I'm sorry," Lindsey said.  "They're just Excited.  They have to show
somebody, and Alden's the only person around.  And he's been so good to
them."

All the warmth Stefan had felt since arriving with Kong turned to ice.
"" Has he?  "

"He's a very kind man, and he likes children.  I've told him repeatedly
to send the kids home if they bother him, but he never does."

"Do you think it's a good idea for them to spend so much time with
someone you really don't know?"

"How well do we really know anybody?"  She leaned against the counter
and folded her arms.  " " You can be married to somebody for years and
not know him.  You can meet a stranger and feel like you've known him
forever.  "

"You can't really believe that."

"Sometimes I do."

"And you feel like you've known this Alden forever?"

She turned back to the coffee and covered the grounds with water one
last time.  "Alden shows what he's feeling.  That makes it easy to know
him "

"Easy to know what he wants you to know: '

"I know what you're saying.  I'm not a pushover.  I wonder about him,
too.  For someone who's supposed to be spending his summer studying, he
has an enormous amount of free time.  But it's hard not to trust
him."

"Is trust all we're ialking about?"

"What do you mean?"

He couldn't make himself say more.

Lindsey waited.  When he didn't answer, she didn't push.  She had
learned long ago that the more she begged Stefan to communicate, the
less he shared.  She watched the coffee fill the pot, and when it was
finished she poured them both some.

She brought the cups to the table.  "Anyway, I'm sure the kids will be
back in a few minutes.  They've been looking forward to you coming all
morning.  And now that you've brought them a dog..."  q "Little
enough."

Something about the way he said the words tore at her heart.  She sat
beside him and tentatively touched his arm.  His skin was as warm as
the expression in her eyes.  " " It shows them you love them.  "

"Can anyone doubt that?"

She sat back and picked up her cup.  "Are you going to help them give
that monster a bath?"

He sipped his coffee, his gaze locked with hers.  There was nothing he
could say about the knot of emotion inside him.  He had always
suspected that Lindsey had the skill to unravel it, but he knew he had
never given her the chance to try.  During their marriage she had asked
him repeatedly to tell her what he was feeling.  She had never
understood that his feelings had no names.

They sat in silence until the children came back, dragging

Kong.  "He wasn't there," Mandy said.  "He's gone someplace."

Stefan rose when they came into the room.  He took his cup and
Lindsey's to the sink.  " " Are you ready to give Kong a bath?  " he
asked.  " I'll help.  "

Geoffjerked Kong to a halt.  "You're going to help?"

"I think it might take the three of us.  I don't think he's used to
baths."

Mandy stopped an arm's length from her father.  "

" Where?  "

"In the lake.  You and Geoff change into your suits.  Then we'll take
him over to the beach and throw him in."

Mandy squealed with delight.

"Go get your suits on."

The children didn't need another invitation.  They took off up the
stairs at a run, with Kong following behind.  "

"In the lake?"  Lindsey stood, too.  It s chilly today.

"Weren't you the one who said that water never hurt anyone

"Shall I expect the three of you for dinner

He heard the invitation but knew better than to accept it.  He knew the
correlation between longing and time spent with Lindsey.  "I'll take
them to my place for dinner.  There's afire place We can roast hot
dogs: '

She felt the chill of loneliness and wondered if this was what Stefan
experienced when he knew he had a night in an empty apartment to look
forward to.  She told herself she was being silly.  Stefan never found
the time to be lonely.

" " Then it looks like I have the evening off.  " She forced a smile. "
I'm going to be very lazy.  "

"It'll be good for you: '

For a moment she wondered if he was telling her more than he seemed.
Perhaps he wanted her to knowq what he felt when he was separated from
his family.  Again she told herself she was being silly.  "Have a good
time with them.

"I will."

Geoff and Mandy came back into the kitchen, pulling up straps and
tightening strings.  Kong launched himself at

Stefan, front paws nearly reaching Stefan's shoulders.  Stefan rubbed
his ears, then firmly pushed him to the ground.

"He doesn't have any manners," Mandy apologized.

"I like his manners fine.  For now," Stefan said.  "Is everybody ready?
"

Lindsey watched the Peugeot pull out of the driveway.

The house was still, and loneliness closed around her.

Loneliness and loss were becoming familiar, but there was no comfort in
her acquaintance with them.  She knew when the sound of the car died
away that she could not stay in the house.

Chapter5

cc

I thought that was you.  "

Lindsey turned and saw Alden striding across the road.  It wasn't the
first time she had noticed the fluid perfection of his walk.  He moved
like a wave in the ocean, utterly boneless and free.  His body was
glorious, lean-hipped, broad-shouldered and muscular.  She knew other
women must have watched him move, must have added up the blue of his
eyes, the bronze of his hair and the thoroughly masculine jut of his
chin.  And she doubted that any of them had found him wanting in any
way.

"Hello."  She turned back to the field, embarrassed to have been caught
there.  She tried to think of an excuse to be standing and staring at
nothing.

"Do you want to be alone?"  he asked.  "I was just passing by.  I can
keep going."

"No.  I'm about to leave anyway."

"If you're heading back home, I'll walk with you "

"You're walking?"

"I've heard it's good for you: '

She smiled.  No longer did the slight hesitancy before his replies
bother her.  She was fairly sure that it signalled uncertainty of one
kind or another, not calculation.  As handsome and charming as Alden
Fitzpatrick was, he still seemed less than sure of himself.

"Were you sketching?"  he asked, gesturing to the pad she had tucked
under her arm.  " " Trying to.  "

"That's a pretty barren landscape."

"Apparently so.  I've tried twice today, and I haven't gotten anything
worthwhile on paper."

"Would you like to show me?"

"

" No.  "

"I'm sorry.  Was I being pushy?"

"I don't know.  Were you?"

"I don't know, either."

She sighed.  "Alden, are you really who you say you are?  Because if
you have another reason to be my friend or make friends with my
children, I'd like to know what it is."

They walked a distance before he answered.  "I am who I say I am: '

"Well, that's good: '

"And I like your children.  And you "

"

" That's good, too.  "

"What other reason could I have?"

She considered whether to tell him or not.  Her experience at the field
was no secret.  Kelleys Island buzzed with it.  She had been to town
twice since settling in, and both times she had been asked to recount
her story for friendly townspeople No one meant any harm.  They were,
in fact, completely behind her.  She had brought excitement to an
island renowned for the lack of it.

"Haven't you heard about me and what happened in that field?"  she
asked.  "Someone must have told you: '

"No one's told me anything: '

"In May I was at the cottage, getting it ready for the summer.  I took
a walk after dark.  It was a beautiful night.

Stars were everywhere.  I walked along this road, and I came to the
field where you just found me.  And then I saw lights.  " " " Lights?"
-"Yes."  She told the rest in one rush.  He seemed to be listening with
an open mind.  "And then I woke up the next morning on the side of the
road with two very worried residents bending over me."

"You must have been frightened."

His response was a welcome relief.  "A little."  "

" And confused.  "

"Everyone else was confused.  I knew what had happened to me.  At
least, I knew some of the basics.  Everyone else thought I'd lost my
mind."

"It's very difficult for people to believe anything they haven't seen
themselves."

"Well, what do you believe?  Am I crazy?"

" " No.  " " " So you believe there might be life out there?  " She
lifted her palm to the sky.

"If we don't believe in things we don't see, then we can't discover
anything new."

"I wish everybody felt like you do: '

"And they don't?"

She shook her head.  "

" I'm sorry.  "

He sounded it.  He sounded genuinely sad that she'd had a difficult
time.  She told herself that he could very well be sympathizing to get
her to talk more.  But she didn't believe it.

"What were you hoping to find back there at the field?"  he asked.

"Answers."  The conversation was veering toward new, unpublished
material.  Nothing she had told him so far was news.  But she had
spoken to no one except Stefan about her feelings.  In the tabloids,
emotion could be stretched into a story.

"Did you find any?"

"Not a one."

"Answers are rarely where you look for them."

"I have no idea where else I should look: '

If he had an answer, he didn't give it to her.  Instead, and to her
relief, he changed the subject.  "Do you mind if I ask where the
children are?  "

"They're with their father.  He got them a dog.  They went over to show
it to you this afternoon, but you weren't home."

"I'll look forward to that pleasure later."  They were almost at his
house before he spoke again.  "Why don't you stay here and have dinner
with me?"

"I don't want to impose."

"You're lonely, Lindsey: '

"How do you know?"

He seemed puzzled for a moment.  He hesitated longer than usual.  "It's
obvious to me," he said at last.

"I suppose I don't hide my feelings very well."

He smiled.  His smile was dazzling and utterly genuine.

"Why should you?  What would be the point?"

"It can keep you from getting hurt."

"I'm not going to hurt you: '

She believed him, although he was obviously a man who could easily get
close enough to a woman to try.  She watched his eyes turn a deeper
shade of blue as he waited for her answer.  Something stirred inside
her.  He was kind, he was conoerned and he was the most extraordinary
specimen of manhood she had ever seen.  He was also here, when she
needed his companionship.

"Maybe another time," she said, denying herself his comfort.

"You never explained why you asked if I was the man I ;I said I was."

"I've wondered if you have ulterior motives for getting to know me."

"

" Ulterior motives?  "

"Well, do you?"

"Isn't it rare to find a man without an ulterior motive when a woman is
as attractive as you?"

She realized he was flirting.  She met his eyes and saw -nothing there
but warmth and concern.  She smiled.  "You're very good at evading an
answer: '

"How about this one?  I like you, and I want to get to know you better.
I've got no suspicious motives of any kind: '

"And you're not going to hurt me," she finished for him.  "

" Exactly.  "

She wondered what it would be like to take him at face value.  In the
year since her divorce she had avoided men.  She had not met one who
didn't somehow remind her of Stefan.  And she hadn't needed that
pain.

There was nothing about Alden that was like Stefan at all.  And, oddly,
that brought its own kind of pain.

"I'll take a rain check."

He hesitated.  "All right.  Another time."

He turned toward his house, but she stopped him.  " " Alden ?  " "
"Change your mind?"

"I've never asked you where you're from."

"

" Why do you ask now?  "

"

"Your accent."

"Make a guess."

"That's just it.  I can't.  I'm good at accents.  But you don't seem to
have one."  She mulled over her own words.  "Have you moved a lot?"

"Yes."  "

" So, where is your practice?  "

"North, south, east and west."  He let her hang for a momentI fill in
wherever I'm needed," he explained.  " "You substitute?  "

"I enjoy traveling.  I work all over, move when the urge strikes."

"So that's why you can take the summer off."  "

" Exactly.  "

"

" An itinerant doctor.  "

"At your service."

She raised her hand in goodbye.  Halfway home she realized that he had
not answered even one of her questions head on.  Alden Fitzpatrick
might be a handsome, thoughtful man, but she wasn't certain that
handsome and thoughtful were all he was.  She had been wise not to let
down her guard with him.  She would be wise to remember it the next
time, too.

The early evening was silent, with only the ticking of the mantel clock
to break the stillness.  Lindsey made herself a sandwich from bread she
had baked earlier in the day and took it out on the patio.  There were
enough clouds streaking the horizon to promise a beautiful sunset, and
when she'd finished eating, she followed a path to the lake to watch.

She rarely missed sunset or sunrise.  Sometimes she thought they were
the only things that bound her to time.  They started and ended her
days, and on those occasions when she couldn't celebrate them, she felt
distinctly disoriented

When she reached the lake she realized she had been right about this
sunset.  The sky shimmered with orange and gold streaked by fingers of
purple.  She lowered herself to a stone bench to enjoy the view.  No
one else was about, for which she was grateful.  The sky was as still
as her house had been.  Even the ducks flying across the horizon made
no sound.

She wondered if Stefan and the children were enjoying the sunset at his
house.  Stefan had rarely paused more than a moment or two for anything
as sentimental as dawn or twilight

Except once.  Once.

She wondered why she was thinking of that evening now.  Since the
divorce she had carefully tried to store away all memories of her days
as Stefan's lover or wife.  She had hoped that someday she could
remember those times with no sadness.  But not now.  Not yet.  She had
not prepared herself for this piercing sweetness, this crystalline
memory that cut straight through all her protective layers and filled
her with feelings she had also tried to store away.

The evening was the one when they had met.  And the sunset?  She
remembered now, against her will.  The sunset had been the most
beautiful she had ever seen.

She had been a senior at last, after three years of floating through
college.  Those years had been filled with dance, art and poetry.  Her
major had been eclectic and experimental, guaranteed to leave her a
more creative person, but a creative person with no firm employmPnt
opportunities.  That hadn't mattered at all.  She had been filled with
dreams and energy and life.  She had been a lark set free from
demanding parents who had used her love and vitality to feed their own
immaturity.  Now, safely away from home, she had begun to soar.

The college was a small one in Michigan, a place where students called
professors by their first names and professors took desks in the
classroom and waved students to the front to teach.  In the dormitories
there were discussions into the wee hours of every morning, organized
protests and impromptu concerts.  There were signs in the cafeteria
railing against sugar, meat and white flour, signs on the restroom
doors declaring them to be unisex and politically correct.  Lindsey had
absorbed it all, lived and loved and drunk it in with the thirst of a
lifetime.

Then she had met Stefan.

In early October, sunset had begun to edge closer toward the end of her
final class of each day, and she found she had less and less time to
get to the part of campus where she could best see it.  She'd had a
dance class that evening, and she was still wearing her leotard when
she hurried along the pathway to her favorite view.

The sky was a dark blue, the Prussian blue of her favorite childhood
crayon.  The path climbed, but she was tire From less.  Dance class
always exhilarated her.  She would never be a professional, nor had
that ever been her goal, but she felt music inside her, just as she
felt colors when she painted, shapes when she sculpted and words when
she composed poetry.

No one else was on the path.  The weather was turning cold-another
reason to move quickly-and the other students had gone back to dorms or
on to the cafeteria.  She didn't mind being alone.  The campus was
relatively safe, and she was fearless.  Sunset itself was a protection.
She couldn't imagine anyone able to commit an act of violence when the
sun was streaking the horizon.

Her favorite spot for viewing was a knoll overlooking a valley of
houses and a strong sweep of sky.  Valley was an exaggeration.  The
terrain around the college wasn't really hilly, but the knoll was the
highest place for miles.  This particular part of the county had not
been highly developed She could ignore the houses dotting the fields
below, stand on the knoll and pretend she was the only person in the
universe.

When she reached the knoll, the sky was growing darker still.  A wide
strip of brilliant gold colored the horizon, and shafts of sunlight
spun away from it to shatter the sky.  No one else was there to see it.
She threw her books onto a bench and ran to the railing.

Something told her that this was the last sunset she might sea for a
while.  Tonight the sunset had begun without her, and tomorrow and the
next day it would begin earlier.  She held her breath and tried to
absorb each particle of light, each color and shape and pattern.  The
sky was a kaleidoscope , changing subtly as she watched.  And when she
could watch silently no more, when she was completely filled with the
sunset's beauty, she began to dance.

At first she wore her sweater, but as her body warmerl, she threw it to
the ground beside the fence.  She twirled and leaped and held out her
hands in supplication to the setting sun, begging it to stay a little
longer.  Her hair swept her back, then cascaded over her breasts as she
shook her head.  She kicked, and her toes pointed toward heaven; she
leapt and she felt as if she could fly.  see finished at last, chest
heaving, perspiration clammy in the rapidly chilling air.  She spun for
one more look at the sunset, and at that moment she saw what she had
not seen before.

A man.

"I'm sorry," he said.  "I'm sure that was meant to be very private."

She stared for a moment.  Then she picked up her sweater and buried her
face in it.  When she looked up she smiled because this was a man who
was easy to smile at.  "If I'd known I had an audience, I would have
tried even harder."

"I don't know how you could have."  "

" Were you there long?  "

"Long enough to wish I'd been here longer."

"

" Are you an admirer of sunsets?  "

"Of sunsets?"  His gaze drifted subtly over her, the faintest of
caresses.  "Not particularly.  Of beautiful women?"  He shrugged.

She felt as if she'd been touched.  She felt as if his hands , not his
eyes, had moved over her body.  "Are you a student here?"

"I'm in my last year of medical school, across town at the
university."

"So you're seeing if this place is as crazy as outsiders think?"

"I'm meeting someone.  I parked off campus, and I was taking a short
cut."

She wanted to ask if the someone was male or female.  Instead she held
out her hand.  He took it in his, and the warmth of his touch was like
an embrace.  "I'm Lindsey Parker."

"Stefan Daniels."  He didn't drop her hand.  He transferred it, then
reached for her other hand, too, and examined it closely.

"Are you going to tell my fortune?"

"Mine.  You're not married, and you're not engaged unless your intended
is too poor to afford a ring: '

"I'm free as a bird."

"When I watched you dance, I thought you were a bird.  I thought you
were going to take flight and leave me anchored to the ground."

"If I could fly, I'd take you with me.  Would you want to

"Probably not."

"Hmmm... That's too bad: '

He threaded his fingers through hers.  Enchanted, she let him.  "Some
of us weren't meant to soar."

"Whynot?"

"We want to understand everything here, I guess, before we take off for
more unknowns: '

"And that's why you want to be a doctor?"

"

" That's why.  "

"Are you on your way to understanding everything?"

He pulled her a little closer.  She went.  "I just found one more thing
I want to understand better: '

"Then I'll help.  I'm just twenty-one.  I'll graduate with a bachelor
of fine arts at the end of this year.  I want to make my living
creating, but I don't know how: '

"And the rest?"  "

"

"The personal."

She smiled a daring smile.  She felt daring.  "I have a dozen
boyfriends but presently no lovers.  The past three years have been the
best of my life.  After I graduate I want to live on every continent"
"" Simultaneously?  "

"If I can: '

"I almost believe you could manage it."

"I want to experience everything.  Everything!"  "

" Everything good?  "

"Yes, and some of the pain, too.  I want to know what other people
feel.  I want to feel it, too."

"

" I want to stop their pain.  "

She gazed into his eyes.  Even then, in those first crucial moments
together, she could see how different they were.  She wasn't
discouraged, though.  "Two halves of a whole," she said softly.

With obvious reluctance, he dropped her hands.  "Will you have dinner
with me tonight?"

"Weren't you meeting somebody?"

"I'm just delivering papers to one of the professors here from one of
mine.  They're working on a research project together: '

"Will I have time to shower and change?"

He smiled.  It was the first smile he had given her, and it was as
promising as the sunset.  "I wish you wouldn't change."

She compromised.  While he delivered his papers, she showered and put
on a burgundy leotard with a calf-length suede-cloth skirt and tights.
She pulled her hair back from her face with a gray satin ribbon and
wore embroidered shoes that could have passed for ballet slippers.  By
the time he arrived at her dormitory, she was waiting in the parlor.

They had pizza, his loaded with pepperoni, hers with mushrooms, since
she had given up eating meat the day she realized where it came from.
They talked until the restaurant closed, then found another that stayed
open all night.  Over coffee and pie he told her about his successful
parents and his childhood.  She read between the lines and understood
that he was a remarkably gifted young man who took his education
seriously and his mission to heal even more so.  She also heard
loneliness, the loneliness of a child who had developed so quickly that
he'd gone on to other things as his peers enjoyed the pleasures of
childhood and adolescence.  The loneliness of a man who needed more
than study and discipline to become the person he was meant to be.

She told him her own lonely childhood, about the divorced parents who
had depended on her for emotional support and sustenance until they
remarried.  She told him about the teachers, the girl scout leaders and
dance instruct on who had helped her through her own crises when her
parents became busy with their new loves.  She confided the dreams she
indulged in now that she was free to pursue them.

They talked of books they both liked, films that had moved them, music
they listened to.  They didn't agree on anything.  She loved Debussy,
Billy Joel and classic Bob Dylan.  He loved Handel, Dave Brubeck and
anything on the harpsichord.  He read philosophy; she read Gothics.  He
had walked out of Annie Hall, her favorite movie of all time.

He didn't touch her again until he walked her back to her dormitory.
They had talked all night, and the sun was just beginning to light the
horizon when they climbed the outside stairwell of her dorm to the roof
to watch the dawn.

"I come up here as often as I can," she said.

"Do you ever sleep?"

"I really don't need much."

"You should be in medical school."

" " Am I going to see you again?  " She faoed him instead of the
sunrise.  " Or are we too different?  Do I scare you or intrigue you
more?  "

"I could ask you the same."

"But you didn't."

He opened his arms, and she went into them willingly.  She had never
been as excited by a man.  He was self-confident and brilliant.  He
needed nothing from her except exactly what she wanted to give.  She
ran her hands up his sides, under his open coat, then clasped them
around his neck.  She stared into his eyes as he pulled her closer.  In
the first light of dawn she knew that a lifetime together would not be
long enough to know him.

If he ever let her.

Just before he kissed her, she felt the faintest thread of ala rot
Already, what she felt for him was powerful.  She sensed that there
might be no turning back if he kissed her.  And they were so different.
Perhaps too much so.

What barriers there were tumbled when she felt his lips on hers.  His
mouth was as hungry, as relentless, as she had somehow known it would
be.  Her body melted against his, and she could feel his heat pour into
her.  She learned the feel of him, the taste, the essence.  She learoed
how much he wanted her and how careful he would be when he finally took
what he craved.

He ended the kiss.  She didn't know if she would have had the
control.

"The sun's up," he said.

"Yes."  She leaned her head against his shoulder.

He held her close, but not too tightly.  "We'd better end this now, if
we're going to."

"Yes."

"Are we going to?"

She realized he was leaving the decision to her.  "What do you want,
Stefan?"

His hand brushed a strand of hair back from her cheek.  "To see you
again: '

She smiled.  She suspected that was as much of a hint at his emotions
as she was going to get.  "Then you will."

They shared another kiss, a kiss even more impassioned than the first.
Then she stayed ori the roof as he took the stairs at a run until he
was back on the ground.  She leaned over the railing and watched him
emerge.  He gave one wave, then turned and started across campus.

She stayed on the roof until he was no longer visible and the sky was
filled with the promise of a brand new day.  Then she danced a tribute
to dawn.

The sun was gone when Lindsey made her way slowly back to the cottage.
Without street or house lights to soften the night, darkness on Kelleys
Island was a black curtain.

She stumbled once, but hardly noticed.  Her head was aching , and she
couldn't have hurried if she'd had to.  Her body felt strangely heavy
and sluggish.  She was still remembering that first night with Stefan,
that joyous night of discovery and sensation.  How could something that
had held such promise have ended so sadly?

She looked toward the heavens, but there was no answer there.  In the
years of her marriage she had learoed about loneliness, but she had
never known this hollow emptiness, this feeling that she was completely
alone in the universe.

Inside the cottage she turned on lights and turned down the children's
beds.  She found old blankets and made a bed for Kong on the floor in
the hall between their rooms.

When she was finished and she could find nothing else to do, she sat on
the front porch and gave in to tears.

Chapter 6

Kong was clean and at least temporarily without fleas.  Mandy had made
a bow out of an old tie, and Geoff had patiently combed out every one
of the mats in Kong's mottled fur.  He was still the most pathetic
excuse for a dog that Stefan had ever seen.

Quite obviously the children didn't think so.

"He's beautiful now," Mandy said from the back seat of the car, resting
her cheek against Kong's side.

The response from Kong's other side was muffled.  Stefan tried to
interpret, factoring in a high margin for error.  Geoff's words had
sounded suspiciously like "Mmmmph the."

"What did you say?"

"Mom will think so," Geoff repeated more audibly.  " " I hope so.  "
Stefan turned into the lane leading to the cottage.  He hadn't intended
to keep the children so late, and he hoped Lindsey hadn't been worried.
Normally his rare times with Geoff and Mandy bordered on the stiff and
formal He talked; they listened.  He took them somewhere, the zoo, the
symphony, the art museum, and they watched and listened dutifully.
Usually he returned them home before supper.

Today had been nothing like that.  He hadn't been called on to relate
to them at all.  Even the symphony had required that he make small talk
during intermission, but today his children had been perfectly content
to talk to each other and to Kong.  When they'd addressed Stefan at all
it had been to ask for his help scrubbing or training the dog.

None of them had worried about what to say; no one had given a thought
to what to do.  The afternoon had centered around Kong.  He imagined
that this was the kind of gentle, easygoing day that most families
shared frequently.

Except that he and Geoff and Mandy hadn't really been a family.  Not
quite.

"Mom's out on the porch," Geoff said.

Stefan saw that his son was right.  Lindsey was sitting on the porch
swing, moonlight reflecting off the corn-silk blond of her hair.  He
parked in the driveway and let the children greet her first.  She cooed
over the dog and assured Geoff and Mandy that she thought he was
magnificent.  Then she shooed them inside to get ready for bed.

The screen door slammed shut behind the children and dog, and Lindsey
turned toward Stefan.  Fireflies winked in the air between them.  He
knew he should just say goodnight and go, but he couldn't make
himself.

"You look exhausted," she said.  She smiled, and he felt it somewhere
deep inside him.  " " You do, too.  " He moved closer.  She did look
tired, and that was rare.  She had boundless energy.  Even during his
residency, she had slept less than he.  " Are you feeling all right?
"

"I thought you had the day off, Dr.  Daniels."

"Old habits."  He moved closer.  She looked as if she had been crying.
He felt alarm.  Perhaps he was imagining it.  "Lindsey, I'm not trying
to pry.  I know I don't have that right.  But are you okay?  Is
anything wrong?"

She lowered herself to the swing again.  That in itself was strange.
Usually she would be upstairs with the children, coaxing and laughing
until they were in bed for the night.  "I'm fine.  I guess I just had
too much time to think tonight"

He was at her side without planning to be there.  "

" May I sit?  "

She moved over in answer.  He sat beside her, careful not to touch her.
They had sat like this only rarely during their years together.  But
each one of those times came back to him now, like the brightest
moments of a past he had little to show for.

"Our first apartment had a porch swing," he said.  "Remember ?  There
was just one.  All the residents and their wives used to fight to see
who could get to it first on a warm summer night: " "I remember.  We
were never first."

"Then there was the swing at Patterson's house."

She didn't answer.  The swing rocked gently.  He let her set the
pace.

"I was thinking about the night we met," she said at last.  "Earlier.
Before you came.  I was down at the beach watching the sunset."

He was sure he hadn't forgotten one moment of that night, but he wasn't
going to tell her.  "Was it a good sunset ?"

"Lovely.  I felt..."  She didn't finish.

He rested his arm along the back of the swing, still careful not to
touch her.  "You've hardly changed since that night."

"Yes I have."

"Mommy?"  Mandy came out on the porch dressed in a long cotton
nightgown.  "Geoff says Kong gets to sleep with him!"

Lindsey rose and started toward the door.  "I'll talk to him."

Stefan rose, too.  "I'd better be going."

"You don't have to: Lindsey turned.  " Stay a little while.  "

He wasn't certain if he was imagining the intensity behind the polite
phrase.  " " Are you sure?  "

"Whatever you want.  If you're in a hurry to get back, I don't want to
keep you: " "I'm not in a hurry."

"Then I'll put some coffee on for us.  Sit and relax."

He settled himself back in the swing.  He heard the clatter of Mandy's
feet on the stairs, then the pleasant murmur of voices from the second
floor.  He could almost pretend that the house was his again, that
Lindsey was putting the children to bed and that soon he would be going
upstairs to their own bed and her arms.

She had been thinking about the night they met.

He wondered why.  When she had asked him for the divorce , he had
assumed she would lock away all memories of the good times they had
shared.  Wasn't that the way it was done?  Wasn't that how people
survived the dismantling of the most intimate of relationships?  For
the first six months after the divorce he had hardly been able to be in
the same room with her.  He had not been able to face the pain.  And
memories?  Well, he'd struggled to keep memories in their place, snugly
tucked in the appropriate region of the brain.  He had disciplined them
with hard work and longer and longer hours of devotion to his patients
and research.

But had the inevitable happened for them both?  Could even the most
rigid discipline collapse?  He wasn't sure facing memory or pain was
going to be easier, even now.  And what about Lindsey?  He was sure
she'd been crying.  How much more could she take before shattering into
a thousand tiny pieces?

The swing rocked back and forth beneath him.  He wished that he hadn't
brought up another porch swing.  She had been right; they had rarely
sat in the swing at their first apartment, because he had been too
busy.  But there had been another one.

Patterson's swing.  He remembered all too clearly one night soon after
he and Lindsey had met.  He had been twenty-four and so taken with the
woman beside him that he could think of little but touching her.  He
tried to file the memory away, but it was as solid, as immobile, as a
mountain Was this what Lindsey had come up against at the beach?  Were
they doomed now by a past they had once shared?

He wondered about discipline and self-preservation.  But in the end,
with the voices of his children woven with Lindsey 's own, he stopped
wondering.  He could only remember

"I'm glad that for once we get to make dinner without your roommates
around.  It's awfully nice of Patterson to let you have the key to his
apartment when he's not here."

"Somebody has to feed his fish."  Stefan watched Lindsey stroll slowly
through the bedroom-living room of his best friend's efficiency,
touching everything, lifting things and handling them for the sheer
sensory joy of it.

There was lots to touch.  Patterson was a collector, an eccentric lover
of both the mundane and the bizarre.  Stacked on every surface were
ashtrays-one from each state-although

Patterson railed constantly against the evils of tobacco The walls were
cluttered with collages of everyday items.  One was an assortment of
household cleaner labels, another cancelled checks.  On a shelf in the
corner there were statues of hula dancers.  In the opposite corner was
a stuffed pelican dressed in a rhinestone-studded tutu.  In deference
to the approaching Christmas holiday, a gaudy plastic star decorated
his head.

Fish lined the walls of this room and the kitchen in aquariums both
large and small.  They were all goldfish, all the same plain gold, all
the same size down to a centimeter.  Patterson knew each of their names
and insisted each had a different personality.

Patterson planned to become a psychiatrist.  "qis place drives you
crazy.  Right?"  Lindsey spun around and gave Stefan a spontaneous
hug.

He wasn't sure what he had done to deserve her affection , but he let
himself indulge, anyway.  He loved the feel of Lindsey's lithe body
against his.  Holding her was like holding music, like holding light
itself.  More and more he found himself thinking about holding her when
he was supposed to be concentrating on other things.

"This place is crazy.  Patterson's crazy," he said.

"Wonderfully so.  He's alive."

"You haven't even met him."

"Is that my fault?"  She pushed him away so she could look at him. "You
don't introduce me to your friends.  Are you ashamed of me?"

" qqhamed?  q,

"Well, are you?"

"Are you kidding?  I just have no intention of sharing you, that's all.
I've already had to fight off my roommates.  If my friends met you, I
might not see you again: '

She sent him a teasing half smile.  "Really?  And why not?  Do you
think you're so expendable?"

He knew what he was.  Single-minded, dedicated, passionatqseeker
-of-truth.  And he knew what he wasn't.  Warm, expressive, spontaneous.
Those things were beyond his reach.  They had been exorcised in his
childhood, and he rarely missed them..  except at moments like this,
when he wished he could be everything for the woman staring at him.

"I don't want to scare you away," he said.

Her smile disappeared.  "What makes you think you hold so little
attraction for me?"

He wasn't sure how they had gotten so serious.  They had only been
dating for two months, and then only when their crowded schedules
meshed.  His head told him that relationships grew slowly, that
courtship was a time to carefully check all the little things that
could make or break a marriage.  The rest of his anatomy told him to
embrace the woman in front of him and never, never let her go.

"

" Well?  " he asked.

She put her hands on her hips.  "Well what?"

"Well, are you attracted?"  - "Haven't you been able to tell?"

He realized he was enjoying this.  "Maybe I need an education What are
the signs?"

She seemed to be enjoying their conversation, too.  She had the most
delicious repertoire of smiles.  She could say anything she wanted with
them.  Smiles never came easily for him.  Now he bathed in the glory of
one of hers.

"Let's see."  She pretended to think.  "My pulse quickens"

"Does it?"  He reached for her hand and slid his index finger to the
pulse point at her wrist.  "I don't have anything to compare it to."

"My temperature rises when we're together."

"Your cheeks are flushed."

" " I go out with you every time you ask.  " " "You turned me down last
Friday."  " " I had a prior engagement.  "

"You had a date."

"Well, I wished all night I was with you: '

He lifted her hand to his cheek.  She wasn't smiling now.  " " My pulse
rises and my temperature quickens, " he said.  " And I think about you
when I shouldn't.  "

"Stefan: She framed his face with her hands.  He could feel each
separate finger against his skin.  " I'm afraid we're in this together.
"

He laughed.  The sound came from somewhere deep inside him, from that
secret prison where smiles were held captive.  He kissed first one
palm, then the other.  And he knew that if he didn't get out of
Patterson's room with the big, tempting double bed in the corner, he
was going to make love to her right now.  Somehow the kitchen, where
they had planned to make dinner together, didn't seem quite far enough
away.

"Let me show you the swing: He took her hand and started through the
room.

"Swing?  Isn't it a little cold for a swing?"

"Wait and see."

He led her through the kitchen into a dank, cold hallway.  Then he
opened a door.  "Patterson's secret hideaway."

She clapped her hands.  "Who would have thought it?"

The swing hung from the ceiling of a tiny glassed-in porch.  Through a
thick cover of evergreens, the room was tinted by moonlight.  The
apartment was one quarter of an old brick Colonial, and it had its
share of the house's idiosyncracies The sun room was one of them.

Lindsey preceded him.  "I can't believe it.  It's heated."

"He collects plants, too."

"I can tell.  It's practically a greenhouse."

"Begonias.  And he never gets a bloom out of them."

Lindsey ignored the plants cluttering everything but a narrow path. She
maneuvered the short distance and plopped down to test the swing.
"Stefan, it's wonderful.  Come here and sit with me."

He joined her.  The swing was just wide enough for two.  Just.  He
rested his hip against hers and felt her breast brush his arm as she
put her hand on his shoulder.

"Look, it's snowing."  She pointed in the direction of a streetlamp
that illuminated snow drifting in soft, fragile clouds.

"It's supposed to snow most of the night."

"I love winter: '

"And summer, spring and fall.  What don't you love?"  "

" Cynics: '

"I'm not a cynic.  I love your enthusiasm."

"Do you?"  She rested her head against his shoulder.  "Do you know what
I love about you?"

Something gripped his throat.  For a moment he couldn't speak.  "

" What?  "

"Well, it's a long list.  Do you have time?"

"We might starve before you finish."

"I'll take the chance."

"Don't say I didn't warn you: '

She kissed his shoulder.  He could feel it burn through his sweater. "I
love the way you think about everything.  Nothing comes quickly or
easily.  You consider everything, and you're so, so careful.  You want
to be absolutely sure.  It would pain you forever to think you might
have hurt someone or been dishonest, even unintentionally."

"

" I sound repressed.  "

"That I haven't noticed.  You have trouble keeping your hands off me. I
love that, too."

He put his arm around her.  "Do you?"

"And I love the way you choose your words.  If you say something to me,
I know you mean it.  I can trust you completely"

"I'm not sure I'm that safe."  "

" I can manage you .  "

"

"Can you?  "

"Want to see?"

He wasn't sure.  He was eaten up by the strongest emotion he had ever
felt.  His control was disappearing at a remarkable speed.  He was
afraid to get caught in Lindsey's spell, afraid for both of them.

He felt her then, and he turned, too.  His body seemed to belong to
someone else.  It refused to obey the commands he issued.  " " Lind..
sey.  " He said her name, slowly, carefully.  It was as much a warning
as he could give her.

"Steffan."  She smiled just before she pulled his head to hers, just
before her lips sought his.

She tasted like fire, like music and light and all things elemental Her
lips moved over his as if she were afraid she would miss something new,
something even better.  He crushed her against him, longing for
everything all at once.  He understood her desire to embrace life in
its fullest.  She was life, and he wanted all of her.  Nothing
separate. Nothing held back.

qrom a Distance

She moved against him, rubbing her chest against his until he was on
fire everywhere that her soft breasts touched.  She laughed, a low,
throaty woman's laugh, when he tried to hold her still.  Her lips
sought his ear, the curve of his jaw, the hollow of his throat.  And
she swayed against him, pliant , sensuous, relentless.

In a moment his hands were under her sweater, sliding over the warmth
of her skin.  Flesh melted against flesh.  His fingers absorbed her
heat, the satin texture of her back.  He knew he was trembling, but he
didn't care.  That passion could be this intense, this immediate, was a
revelation to him.  She was not the first woman he had touched this
way; she would not be the first woman he would have.  But in that
moment he knew this was another kind of first, and in the most
important of ways, she would stand alone in his life.

She wasn't wearing anything under the sweater except a silky, taunting
camisole.  Her breasts were unfettered for his touch.  She moaned
softly as he circled them.  Slowly, increasingly aware of his ability
to please her, he circled them.

"Stef... an."

This time he laughed.  He was triumphant, filled with his own power.
His hand moved closer to her breasts, then closer still.  Finally he
let himself explore them.  She kissed him as he did, murmuring nothing
and everything against has qps.  He hadn't known that breasts could
feel like ve!  vet , that the shape of a woman's curves could turn him
into a man he didn't know.  He explored the hardening nubs of her
nipples, the valley between, the rapid beat of her heart.  He caressed
her, and each movement, each new inch, was a glorious torment.

He wasn't even sure what was happening when she slipped off her
sweater.  He had to let her go to do it, and he felt a new rush of
exquisite agony.  Then in the moonlight he saw the pearly glow of her
skin and knew that the camisole had gone, too.

She was beautiful, so perfect, so luminous.  For a moment he wanted
time to stop; he wanted to capture her this way forever.  Then time
moved on, desire rushed over him, and he bent his head to taste what
she had so freely bared.

She tasted the way she looked, the way she felt.  Perfect, warm,
fragrant, quintessentially woman.  He heard her murmur, felt her arch
against him.  Her breasts were small and perfect, and he explored them
with his tongue, curling it around each nipple.  She sighed and thrust
herself forward , offering more.  He took her between his lips and
tugged.  She murmured again, a plea for yet more.  He lifted her skirt,
and his hands splayed against her hips.  His hands sank lower still and
felt her most intimate heat through the fabric of her panties.

She arched again, and for a moment he didn't understand She tensed and
cried out once, then once more.  And finally he knew.

He clasped her against him as she shook with the power of release.
Blood roared in his ears.  He had brought her to this with so little.
He had known how responsive she was, how thoroughly, wonderfully
sensual, but he had never dared to hope she would be this aroused by
him.  That lovemaking could reach such a tumultuous, instantaneous peak
seemed impossible.  But it hadn't been impossible.  It hadn't.

He whispered her name.  Her arms tightened around him; then he felt his
sweater being drawn over his head.  He had already been reduoed to
instinct and emotion.  He wanted to stop her; he would have killed
anyone who tried.  He shut his eyes and felt her unbuttoning his shirt.
Then he felt her hands against his bare chest.

"Your turn," she said softly.  He could feel her words deep inside him.
He was as hard as he ever remembered being , and she hadn't even
touched him there.

Not yet.

"Didn't you know?"  she asked.  "Didn't you know what you could do to
me?"

He didn't, couldn't, answer.  Her lips grazed his chest.  He k new that
Lindsey and he were invisible, that the dark and evergreens hid them
from view.  But he felt completely ex From a Distanceqsed to this
woman, to the world.  He was a fraud who , pretended he lived in his
head.  And now his head and all thinking parts of him had
disappeared.

His jeans came unsnapped with one flick of her hand.  Her hand, her
graceful, expressive hand, closed over him.  Through his briefs he
could feel the heat of her fingers.  He moaned.  "qq," she said.  "Moan
for me, Stefan.  Like I moaned for you: '

He held her still and kissed her.  Her lips were soft against his. They
grew softer still as the kiss went on and on.  But her hands never
stopped.  She moved under the briefs and played with him, toyed with
him relentlessly.  Fire rushed through his veins.  How could he be so
hot, how could he burn for her, when snow was falling and nothing but
glass kept them from it?

She ended that kiss and trailed a new path of kisses down his neck.
Slowly, so slowly, while her hand moved faster.  Her lips touched one
nipple.  Her breath warmed it; her teeth grazed it.  She laughed a
little, and he felt the laugh follow the fire's path.

He arched, just as she had.  Then he called her name.  Her hand moved
slower, slower, then not at all.

He took a moment by himself in the bathroom.  When he returned to the
porch he pulled her against him to rest.  He felt clean, purified by
the roaring blaze and its aftermath.  Her hair rested against his
cheek.  She smelled like violets and infinitely satisfied woman.  He
wrapped his arms around her.  Beneath them the swing rocked lazily.

"Yes.  I can manage you," she said at last.

"And who's going to manage you?"  he asked.

She snuggled more securely against him, like a cat stretching
blissfully.  "I knew it would be like that.  Just that easy.  Didn't
you?"

"You'd thought about it?"  "

" Constantly.  "

Satisfaction was pierced by something warmer and quite familiar once
more.  His arms tightened.  "Constantly?"

"Yes."  "

" About this?  "

"Not exactly this."

He knew exactly what she meant.  "About making love."

"Together.  Naked.  All night long."

"How did I find you?"

"You almost tripped over me."  She lifted her face to his.  "I'd been
waiting for you: She caressed his cheek.  " I'd been waiting for you,
Stefan, but I didn't know it.  There have been other men.  I didn't
wait alone.  But they weren't important.  When I wasn't with them, I
didn't think of them at all.  And they never made me sing inside, the
way you do.  "

He stared at her.  He understood what she was saying.  There had been
other men, but she had not responded to them the way she had responded
to him tonight.  He wanted to assure her that she was different, too.
That no one, no one at all, had ever made him lose control the way she
did.  But he didn't know how to say the words without sounding foolish.
Without feeling foolish.

"Thank you for waiting" was all he could say.

She smiled.  "And I suppose we'll wait a little longer before we make
love, won't we?  You're such a careful man."

"Am I?"  He really wasn't sure anymore.

"Yes."  She kissed him, as if his caution pleased her.  As if he
pleased her.

He clasped her to him again, and for a long time they lounged in each
other's arms and watched the snow fall in silence.

"I have your coffee."  Lindsey stood in front of Stefan holding out the
mug with his name on it.

He took it, and it surprised him that his hands didn't tremble.  So
caught up in memory had he been that for a moment the fireflies
resembled falling snow.

"Our relationship can be measured from one cup of coffee to the next."
He moved over to give her more room to sit.

She settled herself beside him.  "We're not even supposed to have a
relationship."

"We have two children we share."

"They couldn't stop babbling about Kong.  They're thrilled that you
gave him to them."

"We had a good afternoon."

"Did you?  I'm so glad.  They need you: '

He wondered if she could possibly need him, too.  Were there other men
now who filled the space he had left in her life?  He wasn't sure how
wide or deep that space had been, but he did know that there would be
any number of men willing to insert themselves into it.

They had never talked about those faceless, nameless othen who haunted
him.  She was no longer his wife.  She had every right to have
relationships, but the thought of another man's hands on her body
turned him to stone.  The divorce decree had not wiped away his claim
to her.  That was written on his soul, and no lawyers, no laws or
judges, could change the way he felt.

"Do you ever think about getting married again?"  she asked.  -He
wondered if she had guessed his thoughts.  "Do you?"

"You always turned questions around that way.  Like a simple answer was
too much of a peek into what you were thinking: '

"You didn't always criticize me for it."

"No.  That came later, didn't it?  When I got desperate."

He set his mug on the porch floor.  "I should go."

She laid her hand on his arm.  "No.  Stay.  I'm sorry, Stefan I guess
we're going to have to work at being divorced the way we didn't work at
being married."

"I don't think about getting married again."  He sat back, but he left
the coffee where he'd put it.  He was going to have enough trouble
sleeping tonight.

"

" Really?  "

"

" Why are you surprised?  "

She debated continuing this.  She wasn't sure where they were going,
but she was absolutely sure where they shouldn't.  She was vulnerable
tonight, and she thought maybe Stefan was, too.  Tears rose to her
eyes.  For the second time that evening.  She swallowed.

"Our friends love to tell me how many women you have in your life now,"
she said, keeping the tears from her voice.

"What friends?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does.  Why would anyone be so intentionally cruel?"

"Cruel?  It's not supposed to be cruel.  We're divorced.  I suppose
they think I'm interested."

"

" Cruel.  "

She sighed.  "You have a right to whatever kind of personal life you
want and need.  So do I. I just didn't expect it to bother me."

"

" Didn't you?  "

"I guess I never thought about it.  Everything hurt so much at the end,
I couldn't think about more pain farther down the road: '

"Why are you bringing this up now?"

"I don't know.  Maybe you're right.  Maybe I am going crazy."

" " I never said I thought you were crazy.  " He turned to face her.  "
I've never even thought it.  "

"I see lights in the sky that aren't there.  Suddenly I believe in UFOs
when I never did before.  I cry at the drop of a hat."  She swallowed
tears again.  "I ask you stupid, personal questions."

"There are no other women in my life.  I've taken colleagues to
functions where I was expected to put in an appearance I tried dating
twice and hated it.  I tried to imagine myself in bed with both women,
and it was a nightmare."

She stared at him.  "Stefan."

He ran his hand through his hair.  "Did you want to hear that, Lindsey?
Was that what you were after?"  He got up and went to the railing. The
sky was a blanket of stars, all eight-years away.  It didn't matter. 
He felt smothered by them.  "I haven't slept with anyone since our
divoroe.  I can't get over the feeling that I'd be unfaithful to you if
I did."

"How could I have hurt you so much?  How could you have hurt me?"

"It doesn't matter.  We can't go back."

"No."

"Well, there's my answer: He faced her.  " Let's hear yours.  Do you
think about getting married again?  "

"No."

"There must be men in your life."

"No one important: '

He remembered, had remembered already, another night so many years
before when she had told him the same thing.  He wished that they were
back on Patterson's porch.  He wished that he could somehow live the
last years over again with a different result.

"I haven't slept with anyone else, either," she said.  "We're a pair,
aren't we?"  She rose and joined him at the railing.  "We can't have
this conversation again."

"We shouldn't have had it at all."

"I had no right to ask you anything.  You're free.  I'm free."

"Free?"  He lifted her left hand.  "There's no ring on your finger
anymore.  You're free of less than an ounce of precious metal, and so
am I. But what else are we free from?  Pain?  Everyone tells me that
will go away.  But mine doesn't seem to."

Her eyes filled, and nothing she could do would force the tears away.
"I never wanted to hurt you: '

"Our intentions have always been honorable, haven't they?  And it
didn't matter" He didn't drop her hand, couldn't seem to make himself.
And he knew his intentions at that moment were anything except
honorable.

"Maybe you should go," she said.  But she didn't pull her hand away,
even though her cheeks were wet.

"What about Alden Fitzpatrick?"  Alden?  " " " Is something developing
there?  Ceoff and Mandy talked about him all afternoon."

"Alden's a very warm, very considerate man who also happens to like our
children."

"And you're lonely and vulnerable."

She knew she should be offended.  Stefan was no longer her husband, and
even when he had been, he had rarely offered advice.  But she was not
upset.  She wanted to touch him.  She wanted to reassure him that no
one was stealing his place in the hearts of their children.  She wanted
to soothe the pain he talked about and the pain he couldn't even
acknowledge

But she couldn't.

"I am lonely and vulnerable," she said.  "And if I weren't, we wouldn't
be standing here this way, would we?"

"No?  Is that all this is?"

"That's all.  And it's more than it should be."

"

" Can you say you feel nothing for me now?  Can you say that yet?  "

She shut her eyes.  Tears squeezed between the lids.  "I will never be
able to say that: " " Lindsey."  He took her in his arms.  She leaned
against him and knew that if she didn't break free quickly, she might
never be able to again.

He lowered his head and kissed her tears.  She felt like something
precious, something frighteningly fragile and precious, in his arms.
For a moment she bent her body to him, curved it into the harder places
of his and told him without a word how well they would still fit
together.

Then she broke away.  She backed up against the railing, her eyes wide.
And scared.  "You'd better go now."

Stefan knew she was right, but he didn't want to go.  He wanted to
forget all the things he knew, all the things he be105

ueved.  He wanted to sweep away her doubts, carry her to her bedroom,
their room, and make love to her until all her defenses were gone and
she was his again.

He wanted to be someone other than the man he was.

"I'll be back next weekend."

She nodded.

"I'm sorry."

She nodded again.

He left her standing there.  She was still standing there when he drove
away.

Chapter 7

Mandy spread a slice of Lindsey's homemade bread with peanut butter,
evenly covering the surface to every edge.  " " C'qt the cucumbers thin
.  "" " Please."

"Please."  Mandy stood back and examined her work of art.  "I'm ready
for another."

"I'm ready for another, please."

"You are, too?"  Mandy giggled.

Lindsey smiled at her, although it was hard to smile at anyone this
morning.  "When you're a surgeon like your father, you won't have to
say please in the operating room.  But until then, you do."

"I forget sometimes.  But I'm only six."

"Six going on thirty."  Lindsey ruffled Mandy's hair to show that she
wasn't mad.  "No cucumbers on Geoff's.  He'll take bananas."

"Honey."  Geoff came into the room with Kong trailing behind him.  "And
chocolate chips."

"Nice try."  Lindsey got the honey out of the cupboard; the chocolate
chips stayed behind.

"Aren't you done yet?"  Geoff asked.  "We've been waiting and
waiting."

"We'd get done faster if you'd help."

Geoff thought that over.  "I can wait some more."

"Wash the apples, please."

Geoff grumbled, but he complied.  Lindsey watched him polish them to a
high sheen, then stack them into an impromptu apple sculpture.

"Kong barked at every squirrel we saw on our walk," he said as he
topped his creation with a banana.  "He's a good watchdog: '

"I'm glad.  We won't have to worry about a squirrel attack : '

"He barked at people, too."

"Did you take him to Alden's?"  "

" He wasn't there.  "

Lindsey looked up and saw Alden pass by the open window on his way to
their back door.  She waited for Kong, the superior watchdog, to set up
a howl but he just sat there, tongue lolling.

"Alden's here now," she told Geoff.  "Open the door for him, would
you?"

Geoff flung the door open.  Only then, at the sound of Alden's
greeting, did Kong react.  As Lindsey watched in horror, Kong launched
himself at Alden, teeth bared, ears flat against his head.  He looked
like he was out for murder, and although he was only half-grown, he was
large enough to try.

"Kong!"  She started after him, but Geoff had reacted first.  He threw
himself on top of the dog and grabbed his collar.  Kong stopped just
short of Alden.  When he realized he couldn't reach him, he began to
bark wildly.

"Stop it, Kong!"  Lindsey reached the dog's side and grabbed his
collar, too, just in case the dog proved too much for Geoff to
handle.

Alden stooped calmly in the doorway and began to speak softly.  Lindsey
couldn't catch his words over Kong's barking , but little by little the
dog began to calm.

Finally Kong was silent.  Still watching him, Alden rose and held out
his hand.  Kong growled.  Alden murmured softly and moved closer.

"Watch out," Lindsey said.  "We really don't know anything about this
dog: She realized how true that was.  They had brought him into their
home knowing nothing about him.  For the first time she wondered if
they'd made a big mistake.  Stefan's mistake.

"I startled him," Alden said.  "He's fine now."  He stood directly in
front of Kong, reached down and rubbed his ears, Lindsey could feel the
tension in the dog's body, but gradually he seamed to relax.  "You can
let go of him now," Alden said.  "Right, boy?  We're going to be
friends."

Kong whined.

"Do you know him?"  Geoff asked.  "I mean, he was a stray.  Did you
know him before he came here?  " " " No.  "

"He seemed mad at you: '

"I took him by surprise.  Dogs like to be warned."

"I don't think he's very bright," Lindsey said.  "I saw you coming.  I
don't know why he didn't figure it out."

"He's a smart dog," Mandy said.  She threw her arms around Kong, and he
licked her face.

"So, he's the new family member," Alden said.

Lindsey smiled, glad the furor had ended.  "Afraid so.  May I get you a
cup of coffee?  We're making sandwiches to take to the beach.  The
children convinced me the water's warm enough to swim in.  They were
there yesterday with their father."

"it's perfect.  I've been swimming everyday."

"Mommy doesn't like cold water," Mandy said.

"But I make myself go in anyway, don't I?"  She poured Alden coffee and
watched him settle himself at the kitchen table.  Mandy crawled up into
his lap as if she always sat there.  Lindsey started to protest, but
she saw from Alden's expression that he didn't mind.

She set the coffee in front of him.  "Would you like to go to the beach
with us?  It's easy enough to make more sandwiches" She hadn't even
finished asking the question when she began to wonder why she had.  She
was still hurting from her encounter with Stefan last night.  She was
too confused, too unsure of her feelings for her ex-husband to
encourage another man in any way.

Yet, what was she risking?  She and Alden would be with her children.
And Kong was enough of a diversion to keep the conversation from
getting personal.  If she was honest with herself, she would have to
admit that she had sensed a certain amount of interest from Alden.  But
he had never been forward.  He had been warm and concerned.  Was she
going to run from every man who possessed the qualities she had so
longed for in Stefan?

"I was going to go later, anyway," he said.  "You've got q:: enough to
do making sandwiches for these appetites on legs you've got here."

"Don't be silly.  what's one sandwich more or less?"

"We can build sand castles," Mandy said.  "Geoff builds better castles
than anybody in the world."

"Jeez, Mandy," Geoff said.  "Don't scare Alden away."

"You're sure?"  Alden asked.

Lindsey saw compassion in his eyes.  For a moment she had the
ridiculous sensation that he knew what she'd been thinking.  But then,
that might not be so ridiculous.  Stefan had often told her that
everything she felt passed across her face.

And almost nothing that Stefan felt did.

"I'm sure," she said.  "Absolutely."

He gently pushed Mandy to her feet and stood.  "Then I'd better get my
things together.  I'll bring cookies.  I baked some last night."

"Terrific.  We'll pick you up on the way.  We're going to ride our
bikes.  Why don't you borrow the green bike in our garage?  Take it
with you now."

"Sounds good: Alden raised his hand in goodbye.

Kong jumped when Alden moved past him, and for a moment his ears
flattened, as if he were going to attack again.  Then he put his head
on his paws and contented himself just following Alden's departure with
his eyes.

"It's a beautiful day."  Lindsey stretched in the sunshine.  She hadn't
felt well since her encounter with Stefan the night before, but on the
beach, with the sun stroking her body and a cool breeze from the lake
drifting over her, she could almost forget the headache and fatigue
that had plagued her all day.

"It is that: Alden lay down beside her.  She had prepared herself
mentally for the moment when he would disrobe And she was glad she'd
had the time and forethought to make that preparation.  Because Alden
in a bathing suit was one of the most incredible sights she had ever
seen.

Like Stefan, he had an athlete's body-although after watching him
swerve precariously on the bicycle for the first half of their ride,
his athletic prowess was in doubt.  His shoulders were unbelievably
broad; his chest was dusted with golden hair; his waist was narrow, and
his legs were long and muscular.

Forcing herself to look away, she shaded her eyes with her hand to get
a fix on the children's positions.  The public beach on the north end
of the island was small, and at this time of day the water was shallow
for a good distance out.  Both children swam, but neither was a strong
swimmer.  Luckily they were safe here, unless they took unnecessary
chances.

Mandy wasn't in the water yet, but Geoff was swimming back and forth in
an area not much deeper than his waist.  She wondered what game he was
playing, what fantasy he was living out.  Was he Neptune, god of the
sea?  A pirate watching for enemy ships?  Something had triggered his
one man race.  She spoke her thoughts out loud.  "I wonder what Geoff
is doing?"

"Practicing," Mandy said.  She had come back up to the blanket to get
her sand pail.  Like her mother, she had to ease into cold water.  " "
Practicing what?  " " Daddy showed him how to race.  He's racing " "
"Racing?"  " " Daddy said that Geoff should practice so he can get on a
swim team.  " " Oh: Mandy ran back down to the water's edge to begin
building a castle.  "You don't like the idea of a swimming team?" Alden
asked.  "I don't like the idea that Geoff thinks he has to excel at
something competitive or academic to make his father love him: " Does
he?  " " I think Stefan loves him now.  But Ceoff isn't anything like
his father, and that confounds Stefan.  He thinks his job is to
encourage his children toward excellence in every field.  " " And you
don't?  " " I think his job as a father is simply to let them know that
he loves them.  Mandy's always showing off for him, and That's easy for
her to do, because she's good at the things that are important to him.
But Geoff's not, and he feels like he's failing his father.  So,
usually, he doesn't try to impress him: "But he's trying now."  "It
looks that way."  "Have you told Stefan what you see?"  "How many stars
are there in the sky?"  "An exact count?"

"I've told him that many times."

"And That's why you're divoroed."

It wasn't a question.  He simply understood, and she was grateful to
him for that.  "He's a good man.  I couldn't live with our
differences."

"

" But you wanted to.  "

"More than anything: '

"Does it bother you to talk about it?"

"No.  Does it bother you to listen?"  "

" I'm interested.  "

Gulls flocked along the beach edge, cawing secret gull messages into
the wind.  A sailboat came into view and dropped anchor just across
from the northernmost point a quarter of a mile away.  The day was
absolutely normal, a summer day just made to sweep away all vestiges of
the year past.  Lindsey scooped up a handful of sand and let it dribble
through her fingers.  " " The night I met Stefan, I told him we were
two halves of a whole.  I think I fell in love with him that night.  He
seemed to be everything I wasn't.  And he was everything I've told
myself I wanted in a man.  He was strong, intelligent, cautious He
wanted me, but he didn't need me.  I had to take care of my parents a
lot when I was growing up.  I knew Stefan would never need me to take
care of him.  "

"But you missed it when he didn't?"

"I missed feeling like I was part of his life.  He didn't need me to
take care of him.  He didn't seem to need me for anything So I had
children, and they needed me.  For a while that seemed like enough."

She thought of all the nights that had gone by when she hadn't seen
Stefan at all.  As he had gotten deeper and deeper into his career, he
had abandoned her more.  He had risen quickly to the top of the pack
during his internship and residency.  He had been courted by the best
hospitals and clinics.  He had begun to fill his free hours with
research, and that research had made him even more desirable
professionally And less available to her.

q. qm a Distance 113

"After we came to Cleveland, I thought things would change."  The sand
was gone.  She scooped up another handful.  In much the same way she
had tried again and again to hold on to her marriage.  And every time,
no matter how hard she had tried, it had dribbled through her fingers "
" They didn't?  "

"No.  Stefan seemed to think he had to work even harder.  He hardly saw
the children.  We were living apart, only he didn't seem to notice it.
When he was with us, he was preoccupied When he did relate to Geoff and
Mandy, it was to qtqct them in something.  He didn't know how to be
affectionate with them.  Remember when Mandy crawled up into your lap
today?"

"Did she?"

"You didn't even notice because it came so naturally to you.  Stefan
wouldn't have known what to do."

"He doesn't seem cold."

"Oh, he's not.  Not at all.  I think he's the most emotional man I've
ever known.  And that's part of what I fell in love with.  But he
doesn't know how to express anything he's feeling.  Finally I just
couldn't live that way anymore.  I thought if he was free of us, he
could concentrate on his career without distraction.  Then, when he had
time, he could devote it to the children, without recriminations from
me.  I thought if I set him free, maybe he could be the father the
children need."

"And the husband you need?"

His words gave her a start.  She stared at him.  "No."  "

"When I ended our marriage, I ended it for good.  I qought if I could
just live through that pain, I could start my life fresh when it was
over, and so could he."

"And did it work?"

"I don't think so."

"You still love him?"

The sand was gone again.  She didn't pick up another handful.  She was
sitting next to the most attractive man she had met since her divorce,
and she was talking about Stefah'Love is very complicated," she said
huskily.

"Is it?"

"Haven't you found it so?"

"

" No.  "

"

"Have you ever been married, Alden?  "

"Married?  No: '

"Are you another doctor who's married to his career?"

"No.  There are women in my life.  I have other interests too.  I have
friends.

"And you don't want a wife and children?"

He smiled.  His gaze was warm.  "I'm beginning to think I've missed
something very special."

"You'd have to put down roots."

"Well, that seems a small price to pay."

She smiled, too.  She was entranoed by his eyes.  There was something
there that she hadn't seen before, something nameless, as deep and
secret as forever.  "I think you're one of a kind," she said.  "You're
different from anyone I've known."

"In what way?"

"I'm not sure."

He touched her hair.  Just a brief, hesitant touch.  Then his hand fell
back to the blanket.  "I'm not so different.  All of us share more than
we think.  Differences are surface things."

"Mommy?  I can't see Geoff."

For a moment Lindsey didn't understand Mandy's words.  Then, with her
hand shading her eyes, she peered out into the lake.  Geoff, probably
tired of kicking bottom in the shallow water, was swimming farther out.
"I'd better call him back in," she told Alden.  "He doesn't swim that
well , especially if he's tired."

She walked to the edge of the water to stand with Mandy.  "He's heading
out into the lake."  She pointed so Mandy could see.

"He shouldn't: '

"You're right: Lindsey cupped her hands.  " Geoff!  Get back in here.
You're too far out.  You can't touch!  "

The sun blinded her, and she shaded her eyes again to see if he had
turned back.  "Geoff!"

One childish arm lifted, then another.  Geoff was still swimming his
own version of the Olympics.

"Geoff!"  Lindsey kicked off her sandals.  "I'm going to get him.  I
don't like him out so far."

"I don't see him anymore."

Lindsey stripped off her shorts.  "Shade your eyes

"I still don't "

Lindsey looked up, and her heart nearly stopped.  Geoff had
disappeared.  Frantically she shaded her eyes, as she'd instructed
Mandy.  "Geoff!  "

He was nowhere in sight.

"No!"  She was in the lake swimming before she even felt the shock of
the cold water, water that seemed to hold her in place.  She could not
make herself move fast enough; no speed could be fast enough.  She
pulled one arm through the water, then the other.  She was gaining on
the spot where she'd last ceen Geoff, but not quickly enough.  She
realized that she could no longer touch bottom, that the water was even
deeper than she'd feared.

And Geoff was still nowhere in sight.

She swam with her head above water now, even though her strokes had to
be slower.  She prayed for a sign, a ripple , a splash, anything to
tell her that she was heading in the right direction.  But nothing
appeared.  She dove underwater and opened her eyes, scanning the depths
until her lungs nearly burst, but she could see nothing.

When she surfaced, Alden was to her right, twenty feet away.  "I see
him," he shouted.  "I'm going under."

She started toward him.  He disappeared under the water, and before she
could reach him, he surfaced holding Geoff.

"I'm taking him to shore."  With Geoff floating face up under one of
Alden's arms, Alden started in.  Even without the handicap of the
little boy, Lindsey couldn't keep up.  By the time she reached the
beach, Alden had Geoff on his back just feet from where the waves were
breaking.  As she stumbled out of the lake, she heard Ceoff start to
cough.

"Geoff!"  She reached him at the same moment Mandy did.  " " Is he
going to be all right?  " Mandy pleaded.

"He's fine," Alden promised.  "Really.  Just stand back and let him
cough up some water."  He turned and twisted the little boy into a
position that seemed peculiar to Lindsey , but Geoff heaved up what
seemed like lungs full of water and didn't choke on any of it.  As she
watched, the bluish tinge of his skin turned a healthier pink.

"He's breathing well," Alden said.  "Cough it all up, Ceoff, and you'll
feel better."

Geoff didn't argue.  Finally Alden let him go, and Ceoff lay back
against the sand.  His eyes were shut.  Alden motioned

Lindsey forward.  She knelt beside him.  "Geoff?"  She clasped his
hand.  "Are you really all right?"

He opened his eyes.  Then he began to cry.  She propped him against her
chest and stroked his hair.  "it's all right," she murmured, over and
over again.  "You're all right."

"I got a cramp."

"You were practicing too hard: '

"I wanted to be a star," he choked out.  "For Dad: '

"You are a star.  You're wonderful just the way you are.  You don't
have to prove anything.  Dad loves you: '

Geoff didn't answer.  He began to cry again, and this time Lindsey
couldn't find the words to comfort him.

" " Alden flew through the water.  " Mandy sat at the kitchen table,
hugging a cup of cocoa to her chest.

"I'm sure it seemed like he did," Lindsey said.

"How did he find me?"  Geoff, pale but otherwise no worse for his
experience, held out his cup for a refill.  Lindsey poured him more
cocoa from the pot in front of her.  It was evening, and she had told
the story over and over again.  But obviously Geoff still needed to
hear it.

"He knew where he'd seen you last, and he's a strong swimmer.  He got
there and went under to look for you.  Lucky for us, he found you on
the first try."

"He looked like he was flying," Mandy said.

"I'm glad he's such an athlete."  Lindsey couldn't tell the children
just how glad she was that Alden swam so much better than he rode a
bike.  She wanted to protect them from the worst of what might have
happened.  For long moments she had been sure her son was going to
drown.  She could still hardly believe it.  She had taken her eyes off
him for only a moment.  She was safety conscious.  She was always
careful , very careful.  And Geoff had seemed to be perfectly content
where he was.

Her head pounded harder.  There had been moments in the water when it
had felt as if it were going to explode.  Not that the pain had stopped
her.

"I was swimming fine, then my leg started to hurt.  I tried to kick,
and I couldn't.  I got scared."  Geoff stared into his cocoa.  " " I
called your father while you took your shower.  "

Cqeoff looked up.  His eyes filled with tears.  "Why?  He can't do
anything now."

"Because he's your father.  And if something happens to you, he wants
to know about it."  She didn't add that, of course, she had not been
able to talk to Stefan himself.  She had left a message with his
service because he was at the hospital and had left instructions not to
be paged unless it was an emergency.

Not even for his own family.

She had lost her temper on the telephone, something she rarely did.  It
hadn't done any good.  The woman on the other end had been firm.
Lindsey was not on the list of people who could disturb Dr.  Daniels.
The woman would be certain to give him the message when he called in.
She was sorry Lindsey's son, Lindsey's son, had almost drowned.
Certainly, if the boy actually had, she would have considered paging
the doctor.

Now the whole exchange seemed almost funny, but at the time Lindsey had
been furious.  Her head had threatened to explode.  Tears had flooded
her eyes and her voice.  And armed with that fury, she had done the
unforgivable.  She had called Hilda and told her mother-in-law exactly
what she thought of her for raising a son like Stefan.

Something was wrong with her.

"He's angry at me, isn't he?"  Geoff asked.  "He thinks I didn't try
hard enough."

"He's not angry.  Not at all.  He loves you: '

"Then why hasn't he called me?"

Because he'sprobably still in his laboratory.

Lindsey wasn't going to admit that to Geoff.  "He will," she said.  And
she almost believed it.

From the floor at Ceoff's feet, Kong gave an enormous belch.  The
children's laughter broke the tension, and by the time they went
upstairs to change for bed, they were almost acting like themselves
again.

Lindsey cleared away their dishes while they changed.  Her hands still
trembled, and she had to concentrate to keep the dishes from
rattling.

She wondered how she would have gotten through the afterooon if Alden
hadn't been there to help.  Certainly Geoff might not have survived.
Perhaps she would have found him; perhaps she would have been able to
revive him.  But Alden had done both of those things almost
effortlessly Then, and almost as important, he had kept her from
falling apart, had kept all of them from falling apart with his
matter-of-fact serenity and his sensible advice.

He had stayed for supper.  He had even helped-although

Alden's cooking was almost more of a hindrance.  Something always
seemed to be missing from whatever he prepared. Lemonade without sugar,
rock hard cookies qthout leavening, and tonight a salad of toro up
lettuce and not a drop of dressing until she got some from the
refrigerator and put it on the salad herself.  She suspected that he
was a man who simply didn't find food important.  She wondered if all
his appetites were so casual.

By the time the children were ready to be tucked in, she was calmer.
She knew she had to call Hilda and beg for her forgiveness.  Hilda was
no different from most people.  She had raised her only child in the
best way she knew how.  She was a good woman, a moral, earnest woman
who loved her family and tried to be there for them.  But she was also
a genius, as her husband had been, and that genius had called both of
them in ways and at times that had meant sacrificing the little boy
who'd grown up to be a genius, too.

Hilda was not to blame.  Perhaps Stefan was not to blame, either.
Perhaps she herself was to blame for expecting support , for expecting
the simple things like having her name or the names of her children on
the list of people who could disturb him.  She had never been able to
disturb him enough.  Wasn't that why she had divorced him?

"Mommy, we're waiting!  "

Lindsey realized that she was standing at the bottom of the stairs,
staring at the bannister.  For a moment she wasn't certain she could
make the climb to the second floor.  She swayed, or the stairs did-she
wasn't certain which.  Her head pounded harder, despite the painkiller
she had taken half an hour before.  She was so rarely ill that she
didn't know what to do.  She shut her eyes and took deep breaths.  And
when she opened them, the stairs were rock-solid again.

She climbed slowly.  She kissed Geoff first, tucking a light blanket
under his chin while she tried not to think that she might have lost
him today.  In Mandy's room she turned off lights and opened a window
before she kissed her goodnight Mandy, like Geoff, seemed particularly
precious tonight

120 From a Distance n, From a Distance 121

Downstairs once more, she poured herself a glass of wine.  more?  Maybe
there was more, and little by little she could If aspirin hadn't helped
her head, she could only hope that ry, piece together the blank hours
in her memo relaxing on the porch might.  Before she went outside she
From somewhere outside her memory she heard the purr tried to force
herself to dial Hilda's number, but she of a motor.  For a moment, for
one shattering, breath couldn 't.  Her intentions were the best; she
wanted to do stealing moment, she wondered if she would see the lights
what was right.  But tomorrow she might feel better able to again,
"I'hen she saw two lights, headlights, coming down the cope with an
apology.  lane.

The sky was a canopy of stars again, with not even the Disappointment
curled through her, then the resurgence trace of a cloud in the sky.
For a moment she considered of anger.  She recognized the car.  It was
the Peugeot.  going back inside.  Tonight of all nights she needed no
re Stefan had finally been disturbed.  minders of another star filled
night on the island.  She could She set her glass on the table beside
the swing and stood trace too much of what had gone wrong with her life
from q wait for him.  He was out of the car in a shot, up on the that
night.  The headaches had begun soon after, along with porch as fast as
she had ever seen him move.  "How is he?"  the deep sense of
loneliness, the longing for Stefan, the an- She wq not angry enough to
toy with him.  "Geoff's fine, er asleep no.  g , Stefan.  He's w "

But even as she concluded the list, she knew it wasn't "I'm going up to
check on him: completely true.  She had never stopped longing for
Stefan.  " Don't wake him up.  He's exhausted.  Alden's already Only
after her sighting of the UFO had she begun to admit ejanunq him, and
he says that he didn't suffer any after how devastating the divorce had
been for her emotionally.  , , " She had needed him, really needed him,
and she had been effects.  He s just a little worse for wear, as you d
expect.  confronted head-on with the fact that he wasn't really there..
Stefan nodded, then pushed past her.  Through the screen p door she
watched him take the inside stairs two at a time.

The headaches, the lases in attention, the loneliness, the tears, all
were symptoms of depression.  She hadn't wanted His face had shown no
signs of terror, but she knew him well to face it before, but now it
was perfectly clear to her.  She qough to make that leap.  She felt not
a trace of pity.  She had gone through a crisis, and everything since
was a re- q'q oqy glad that for once she was sure that both Geoff's
response.  parents cared enormously about him.

And telling herself so didn't change a thing.  She was sipping her wine
again when Stefan came back

She had seen lights in the sky.  Colors she couldn't even out to the
porch.  "Did he wake up?"  she asked.  describe.  And there had been
friends, new friends, friends "No."  so special, so extraordinary, that
she still felt their loss.  She "Tomorrow morning I'll tell him you
were here."  had seen lights.  And she had heard the purr of a motor,
not "How the hell did this happen?"  the roar of an airplane engine,
but something subtler, She stared at him; then she carefully set her
glass down.  something almost musical.  "That's an excellent question.
I would have been happy to

The sky had been filled with music as well as light.  She discuss it
with you on the telephone.  Unfortunately, I wasn't hadn't remembered
until that moment.  Excitement gripped given that opportunity.  " her.
She had remembered something new.  And even if it " I fired my service.
The woman on duty was an idiot!  wasn't particularly important, might
she not remember Your name is at the top of my permanent list.  I'm
always supposed to be paged if you call.  She checked my daily list.
She didn't even think to check the permanent one.  "

Lindsey needed to hold on to her anger.  She wasn't even sure why.
"Well, it's nice to hear that you think your children are important
enough to be called away from work for.  How did you finally get the
message that your son almost died?"

"

" My mother.  "

"Oh.  I see.  They let her through."

"She told them what she thought of them."

"After I told her what I thought of you: Lindsey felt new guilt, but
she pushed it away.  " And you couldn't call to let me know you'd
heard?  You couldn't call to talk to your son?  "

"I called.  Your phone was off the hook.  I put it back after

I checked on Geoff.  "

She remembered slamming the phone down after her conversation with
Hilda.  She obviously hadn't gotten the receiver exactly back in place.
She shut her eyes.  "I'm sorry, then.  That part was my fault."

" " I want to know how this happened !  You know Geoff doesn't swim
that well.  He needs lessons and some concentrated practice before he's
going to be good enough for you to take your eyes off him.  Weren't you
watching?  Were you and Alden so busy talking that you forgot your own
son was in the water?  "

Guilt disappeared in a rush.  She slapped her hands on her hips.  In a
moment she was facing him with nothing but inches of moonlight between
them.  "How dare you!  Don't pose as father of the year, Stefan.  It
doesn't suit you!  That little boy almost drowned because of you.  He
was doing that concentrated practice you're so fond of pushing on him.
He was swimming back and forth by the shore, trying to build himself up
to please you.  You must have shown him how yesterday.  Right?  "

She went on without giving him time to respond.  "Then he got tired of
kicking the bottom and started swimming out qeper.  I'd been watching
him, but he seemed perfectly safe.  So I looked away for a few moments.
When Mandy told me he was going out deeper, I called him, but he didn't
come.  I went after him, but by that time, he was in trouble. In
trouble because he was trying to do what he thought his absentee father
wanted him to do !  "

What control she'd had vanished.  She put her hands against his chest
and shoved him in emphasis.  "In trouble because he was trying to make
you love him, you bastard !  "

He grasped her arms and held her still.  "What are you talking about?
"

"Can't you hear me?  He was trying to make you love him!  He knows he's
not the son you wanted.  He's not like you.  He doesn't care if he
competes with anybody.  He doesn't care if he wins at anything.  He
doesn't care if he's the best.  He just wants to be Geoff.  And you
want him to be somebody else!  "

He dropped his hands and turned away from her.

She drove her point home.  "After he was breathing again he told us
he'd wanted to be a star.  For you: '

"Stop it: '

"I'm finished anyway."  She rested her head in her hands because she
could no longer hold it up.

"How long have you been this angry at me?"  he asked

"I don't know."

"So this is my fault."  "

" You decide.  "

He turned back to her.  She was rubbing her temples and struggling not
to cry.

"He doesn't have to be a star."  "

" Then tell him !  "

"I will.  Tomorrow."

"You work tomorrow.  You work everyday.  How did you get over here,
anyway?  The ferry doesn't run this time of night."

"A friend flew me over."

She pictured Stefan desperate, distraught and willing to ask someone,
anyone, for help.  Shame filled her.  How could she have doubted he
loved Geoff?  How could she have allowed herself to get so worked up?
She should have known that he hadn't tried to block her phone calls.
She never should have blamed him or his mother for something that
wasn't their fault.

With her head still in her hands she began to sob.  For a moment he
didn't touch her; then, tentatively, he put his arms around her.  She
wanted to push him away; she wanted to fall into his arms and stay
there forever.  But she was helpless to do either.  She sobbed harder,
powerless to stop herself.

His arms tightened, and he rocked her gently as she sobbed.  " " I'm so
sorry, " he said.  " " I should have been here with you.  You shouldn't
have had to go through this alone.  Go ahead and cry.  I wish I could
cry with you."

She cried harder.  She felt his cheek against her hair.

"My father was almost always gone," he said.  "When he was home, he
would teach me things.  Sometimes he would take me to work.  That was
the way I knew him best."

He reached into his pocket for a handkerchief and gave it to her.  She
snatched it from his hand.

"Let them teach you," she said.  "

" All right.  "

She looked up at him at last.  For once there was emotion written on
his face, but so much that she couldn't analyze exactly what she saw.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.  "I did need you, and you weren't here! "

"I'll never be more than a phone call away again.  I promise."

That wasn't good enough.  She looked in his eyes and knew that one
phone call away would never be good enough.  She had given up on
Stefan, given up on their marriage, because to stay with him and share
only a tiny part of the man had caused her agony.  Now she wondered if
a tiny part had been better than nothing, after all.

She wasn't sure who reached for whom, whose lips crossed the moonlit
space between them, but in a moment they were locked in an embrace.

She needed him, and for that moment nothing else mattered His taste,
his scent, his touch, were wholly familiar and right.  The tension and
sadness that had gripped her for so many weeks disappeared.  Their kiss
was a reunion, a homecoming.  If they were two halves, then they were
whole together, whole and real and part of something bigger and more
important than either of them could ever be alone.

He kneaded her back as he kissed her, as if he wanted to absorb all of
her through his fingertips.  She curved against him, craving the fesl
of his body against hers.  He made a sound deep in his throat, part
surrender, part resistance.  He tugged her even closer and pressed her
against his hips.

He was as aroused, as ready for her, as he had ever been.  If moonlit
nights and loving communion could be aphrodisiacs , then anger and
despair could obviously be the same.  She felt her body prepare for
him, felt the rush of heat between her legs, the thrusting of her
nipples, the sensitizing of her skin.  She wanted him with as much
desperation as he wanted her.

She wanted him, and what could be wrong with having him?  They were as
much married as they had ever been.  They had remained faithful to each
other even after their divorce.  They shared a love of their children
and a mutual concern for each other.

But they weren't married.  Not anymore.

Her head tipped back as he took her lips more fiercely.  Her lips
parted for his tongue.  Her hands lifted under his shirt, and her nails
dug into his back.

They were no longer married.

"No!"

At first she thought the voice was her own.  She knew better than to
let their lovemaking continue.  She had fought too hard to part from
Stefan to pull him back into her life this way.  But the voice was not
the small rational one still hidden somewhere inside her.

Stefan thrust her away.  "That's Geoff," he said.

She understood.  "Go to him."

She watched him open the screen door.  In a moment he was up the
stairs.  She heard the murmur of his voice.

When she was calm enough, when the rational voice inside her was the
loudest amidst the clamor, she followed his path up the stairs.

She found Stefan in Geoff's room.  The little boy was still asleep, but
now he was pillowed safely against his father's arm.

The nightmare that had made him cry out had gone away.

Chapter S

Stefan spent the night.  He didn't ask permission, since he wasn't sure
what Lindsey's answer might be.  He just held his son until Geoff was
sleeping peacefully again; then he moved to the twin bed across the
room.

Geoff's face was the first thing he saw the next morning.  Looking at
his son had always made Stefan's heart ache with love and pride.  But
Geoff was as foreign to him as the woman he had loved from the first
day he'd seen her.  He had never loved either of them any less because
he didn't understand them.  Rather, having Geoff had been like watching
the sun rise and set.  He had been awestruck; nothing he had ever
learned from a book or a lecture could fully explain such glory.

"What are you doing here?"

Stefan considered his answer carefully as he sat up.  "I was " g y
worried about you, he said, and thou ht how woe full inadequate that
was.  " " Worried?  "

Stefan patted the bed beside him.  Geoff sat, careful not to touch his
father.

"Of course I was worried, Geoff.  I had to see for myself that you were
really okay."

"

" I'm okay.  "

Stefan searched for something else to say.  "No aches or pains?  No
trouble breathing?"

"No."

"You must have been very frightened."

"Alden got me so quick, I didn't have time to be too scared."

Stefan knew he should be feeling nothing but gratitude to Alden
Fitzpatrick.  He didn't understand his own irrational dislike of the
man who had saved his son's life.  But the dislike was now more firmly
rooted than it had been before.

"Geoff," Stefan rested his hand on his son's knee for a moment, "I
never wanted you to practice so hard that you put yourself in danger:
'

Ceoff looked down at his bare feet.

"I thought you'd have fun working on your strokes," Stefan continued.
"And later, I thought you might like swimming on a team.  But swim
team's no fun at all if you drown: '

"I like to play in the water."

"And you were swimming so hard yesterday because you thought it would
please me?"

"No.  I was just playing: '

Stefan knew that Geoff didn't want him to feel guilty.  He was still
just a little boy, but he already understood so much about human
nature.  Perhaps more than his father.  Stefan put his arm around his
son's shoulders and pulled him closer.  "I know what you were doing.
And I'm sorry I made you think it mattered so much to me.  I don't care
if you swim on a team.  I just want you alive and happy."

"I am "

"Let's keep it that way."

"Okay."  Geoff didn't pull away, but he didn't lean closer, either.

Stefan sensed that his son wasn't sure what to do.  He wondered how
their relationship could have come to this.  He had intended to take
the next ferry back to the mainland once he'd had a chance to talk to
Geoff.  But now he qalized-and wondered why it had taken him so
long-that he couldn't.  There was something more important to do
here.

He rubbed Geoff's shoulder.  "I want you to do me a favor today "

"

" Sure.  "

"I want you to spend the day with me.  I'm always trying to tell you
what you should do.  Why don't you show me some of the things you like
to do?  "

"Like what?"

Stefan managed a laugh.  "That's the point, isn't it?  I don't really
know.  You'll have to show me."

"You mean stuff like Alden's tree house?"

"Yeah.  Stuff like that: '

"You wouldn't like it."

"How do you know?"

"Well, there's nothing important about it.  You know?  I don't learn
anything from the stuff I like to do."

"I think you must learn a lot.  You're a wonderful boy.  You must have
gotten that way somehow: '

Geoff looked up at him.  "Me?"

Stefan hugged him harder.  " " Who else would I be talking about?
Aren't you my son?  Geoff Daniels?  " q'What about Mandy?"

Stefan didn't have to foroe his smile.  "Mandy will have her chance
some other day.  She likes to take over, doesn't she?"

"Oh, she's all right.  Most of the time."

"Well, I think she's all right, too.  Better than that, even.  But I
think today'sjust going to be our day."

"Can Kong come?"

"Sure."

"Kong likes to take over, too."

"Well, we won't let him."

Stefan called his office, then showered while Geoff went downstairs to
tell his mother their plans.  When he got out of the shower he found
clean clothes on the sink, his clean clothes, left over from the days
when he had lived here, too.  He wondered why Lindsey had never
returned them.  Neatly placed on top of the pile he found a razor and a
toothbrush And when he emerged, he felt like the man who had once
jointly owned this cottage.

Downstairs, he tried to think of a way to let Lindsey know he was sorry
for the inconvenience and stress he must have caused her by staying
overnight.  The stress they had caused each other on the front porch
was too overwhelming to even consider.

Her smile welcomed him but gave no clues to what she was thinking.
Before he could say or signal anything, she handed him a cup of her
carefully brewed coffee-the best coffee in the world-and gestured him
to the table for a breakfast of whole wheat pancakes.  " " Geoff tells
me the two of you are going to spend the day ,. g , P together, she
said, rufflin her son s hair as she assed his chair.

"If it doesn't interfere with anything you had planned."

"Not at all.  I think Mandy and I are going to take the ferry to
Put-in-Bay for the day.  She has a friend from school who's staying
with her grandmother there this week."

Put-in-Bay was the more popular name for South Bass Island, one of the
Lake Erie islands that was only a ferry ride away.  It was considerably
livelier than Kelleys, with a main street that was thronged both day
and night.

"Had you planned to take Geoff?"  Stefan asked.

Lindsey stacked his plate with pancakes.  "I'd planned to drag him
along."

Geoff made a face.  "Yuck."

"If you're finished," Lindsey told him, "you can take Kong for a quick
walk.  Mandy's trying to get him on the leash out in front."

Geoff pushed back his chair and sprang to his feet, obviously anxious
to start this unusual day.  "He's too big for lier to manage."  In a
moment he was gone.

Stefan wondered if Lindsey was going to take this opportunity to talk
about their behavior last night.  It would be like her to bring it out
into the open immediately, deal with it and put it behind them.  He
wasn't sure he was up to any of that, particularly the last.

"How can you take the day off on such short notice?"  she asked
instead.

"I wasn't scheduled for surgery today.  I had meetings, but none of
them were important: '

"You don't lie very well."

"I'm not lying about surgery."  He looked up and saw she was smiling at
him.  "This was important," he said.  "I need to spend the day with my
son."

"You're right: She turned away.

"Thank you for understanding... everything."

"I don't understand everything.  But I do understand why you stayed
last night.  It was all right: '

"I'm not planning to make a habit out of it: '

"You can't.  It's confusing to the children."

He wondered if that was the only reason she minded.  But he couldn't
bring himself to ask.  "Geoff's going to show me what he likes to
do."

"Prepare yourself.  You're bound to spend some time lying on your back
staring at the clouds."

"When I could be back at the hospital listening to Alpert 's lecture on
suboccipital craniectomies?"

"You'll see brains and networks of arteries and nerves in the sky.
Geof,f will see unicorns and elves."

"And what would you see?"  p pqP y g

"S aces hi s robabl.  Colored li hts.  Friendship.

That night still seems absolutely real to you, doesn't it?  "

"Only to me, obviously."  She leaned against the counter and sipped her
coffee.  "I remembered something else last eight, just before you came.
Something new."

"What?"

"Music.  I heard music that night.  The sky was filled with it."  She
hummed a little, then stopped.  "I can't get it right.  Not nearly.
I've been trying all morning."

He put down his fork.  "Have you had any other experiences like that?
Colored lights?  Music?  Blackouts?"

She sighed.  "Why?  Are you afraid it's a recurring pattern ?  Some
sort of seizures?"

"Then you've wondered about that, too?"

"No.  It was mentioned as a possibility when I was at the hospital, but
it doesn't make sense to me."

"Some epileptics have very specific sensations right before a seizure.
They smell unpleasant odors or hear strange sounds.  Their vision is
distorted.  After a seizure they feel completely relaxed, and they fall
asleep: '

"Do they wake up and claim they've seen a UFO?"

"Every case is different."

"Well, in your experience, how many believe they were taken aboard a
spaoeship while they were having those seizures ?  "

"

" None.  "

She smiled.  "I rest my case."

He was glad to see she wasn't angry.  "I'll rest mine."

"For the moment."  She didn't wait for a response.  "I called your
mother this morning and apologized."

"I'm glad: '

"She told me she was sorry I'd divorced you."

Stefan was surprised.  He was one of the few people who understood how
deeply his mother's feelings ran; conversely , he also understood why
she was usually unable to express them.  Her attention to detail, to
schedule and discipline , was her way of coping with emotions too
overpowering to be logical.  So she covered them up.

"She always loved you," he said.  "She still does."

"I never felt like I met her standards: "

"You exceeded them ."

Geoff, Mandy and Kong pelted through the front door ; qd qved in the
kitchen in a three-way tie.  "How come Geoff gets to spend the day with
you and I don't?"  Mandy dqnanded.  She stopped short of her father and
shook a finger at him.

"Would you like to spend a day with me?"

Mandy looked away from him.  Asked so directly, she didn't seem to know
how to answer.

Stefan put his hand on her arm and drew her to him.  "Well, I'd like to
spend a day with you.  Next time iYll be your turn: " q When?  "

He laughed.  "Do you have your appointment calendar handy?"

"qI have a calendar in my room.  Would you like to see it?"

"I'd like that very much."

"I mark off every day.  Before I go to bed.  I never miss: '

"I always did that when I was a little boy."

"Sometimes it makes me sad.  Did it ever make you sad?"

Stefan drew her closer and put his arms around her.  "If it did, I
wasn't as smart as you are.  I didn't notice."

"Sometimes there are things that Mom doesn't think I should do."  Geoff
stared up at the clouds.  qqtefan had made one discovery already in the
three-hour island tour that his son had arranged for him.  If he
responded to a statement such as that one with his usual explanation or
advice, Geoff would say no more.  But if he just qaid something simple,
something with no implied judgment , Geoff would keep talking.

"Like what?  "

"Like carve things.  Use a knife.  You know."

Stefan knew a test when he heard one.  "Moms worry.  Actually, for that
matter, Dads worry, too."

"I'm real careful."  qI,q glad.  " d: " Well, one thing's for sure.  I
must have got it from you.  "

Stefan laughed.  "Just don't tell me you're carving up brains.  Not
without a little training."

"I'll never carve up anything alive!"  Geoff made a retching sound
common to all boys under twelve.

"Suppose you tell me what you do carve up?"

"

" Tree roots.  "

"

" With or without the trees attached?  "

"Without.  Roots that wash up on the shore.  I collect them.  Branches,
too.  But roots are best."

Stefan weighed the mental picture of his son with a machete hacking
roots and branches-fingers and toes against his desire to gain Geoff's
trust.  "What do you carve from them?  " " " Would you like to see? "

"I was hoping you'd ask: '

"You can't tell Mom."

"I can't lie to her, Geoff.  She would never lie to me: '

"I thought when people got divorced they didn't care about stuff like
that anymore."

"

" I care.  "

"Brandon Riley's parents are divorced, and they yell at each other all
the time.  Brandon's mother won't even let his father stand on the
porch.  He has to stand in the yard and yell for Brandon when he comes
to get him for the weekend"

"Your mother and I are still friends."

"Then why are you divorced?"

"Sometimes even best friends have trouble living together"

"That's what Mom says, too."

Stefan was glad that at least he and Lindsey had their stories
straight.  "Are you going to show me the roots?"

Geoff sat up.  "Maybe you don't have to tell Mom unless she asks.  I
mean, if she says, did Geoff show you anything he carved with a knife,
you'd have to say yes.  But maybe you could just forget to mention the
roots if she asks what we did today.  TI>at's not exactly lying, is
it?"

q'It is.  Exactly.  "

~ qqoh: :q Stefan sat up, too.  "But I could point out to her that you
" still have all your fingers.  And if you show me how well you q'use a
knife and what safety rules you follow, I could mention that, too.  "

"You'd do that?"

"I don't know.  I'll have to see how careful you are, won't q'Thanks,
Dad."

Stefan squeezed his shoulder.  "Anytime."  He pulled Geoff closer for a
moment.  " " Anytime: '

"You aren't going to believe it until Geoff gets up the qrve to show
them to you: The children were in bed for the night, and Stefan was
about to head back to his attorney 's cottage.  But first he knew he
had to discuss Geoff's carvings with Lindsey.

He accepted a drink from her.  Along with his clothes, sflme of his
favorite Scotch was still on hand at the cottage.  That perplexed
him.

"V'illages of gnomes and trolls?"

"Elves and dwarfs and hobbits.  He could probably take q to craft shows
and pay for his college education."

"He's been hiding them from me.  I don't like that."

"He felt compelled, Lindsey.  He saw those roots, those branches, and
he saw whole villages of tiny little people.  They just begged him to
be let out: '

"And so he used his cub scout knife to set them free."

"He learned the basics of wood carving from his den kader.  I don't
think he ever really set out to do something that he knew you'd
disapprove of.  But he just felt he had

"He tried to talk to me about it once.  I wasn't in the mood to listen.
I kept seeing him minus a finger."

"He's very careful.  But he needs better equipment now.  He's been
sharpening his knife, but there's only so much he can do with it. He'll
be safer if he has better tools."

"It's not a child's hobby."

"He's promised he'll only carve under supervision.  I told him I'll
watch him whenever I'm around: '

"How often will that be?"

Stefan dropped to a bench next to Lindsey's garden.  The sun had set,
but there were enough stars and a full moon to illuminate the flower
beds.  Moonflowers bloomed on a trellis, and night-blooming stock
scented the moonlight.  Lindsey wove her way between beds to light half
a dozen torches that sent thin trails of smoke skyward.

She waited while Stefan searched for an answer.  "Don't come out of
guilt," she said, when it was clear he was still searching.  "They
don't need a reluctant father any more than they need an absent one."

As always, it surprised him when she didn't understand his struggle. "I
don't want to be either.  But how often do you want me here?  We're not
married anymore.  We can't pretend things haven't changed."

" " No.  But if you saw twice as much of the children as you did when
we were married, it still wouldn't be enough.  And it wouldn't be a
problem, because you'd still hardly ever be here.  "

"When we were married, you rarely criticized."

"When we were married, I was a fool."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I shouldn't have waited until the very end to speak up
about the things that bothered me.  Like your being gone all the time.
And about the distance you kept even when you were with us."

"

" Distance?  "

"You weren't part of the family, Stefan.  Don't you realize it now? You
watched us from a distance.  You were never really there."

"I was building a career.  For all of us.  I was busy, but I never took
time for myself.  I either worked, or I was with you and the children.
You never had any reason to worry about the things that some wives
do."

"I think if you'd been unfaithful I could have fought for our marriage
and won.  But as it was, I couldn't fight anything You weren't there to
fight with or for."

The time was long past for confessions, but he still felt he owed her a
small one.  "I know I worked too hard."

She was surprised he would admit that much.  She sat beside him on the
bench and touched his knee, removing her hand quickly when she realized
what she'd done.  "I guess that doesn't matter now.  What matters is
that you still have time to be the father your children need.  See them
as often as you want.  If you don't want to see them here or at our
house, take them somewhere.  But talk to them, like you talked to Geoff
today.  It's so important."

"Our house?"

She tried to smile.  "

" Old habits are hard to break.  "

"Habits like being married?  I'm curious, Lindsey.  Have you asked
yourself why you still have my things around ,.

"No."

He leaned toward her.  "Maybe you should."  She turned away, determined
to avoid that discussion.  "It's hot enough tonight to pretend we're in
the tropics.  That's probably why I lit the torches.  I hardly ever
bother."

"It reminds me of another garden."

She had been trying to change the subject.  Now she realized exactly
where she had led them.  Had she done it on purpose?  Had she
remembered a certain garden, a certain night when hope was alive and
love still flourished?  A night when they had talked about their
differences and convinq themselves that what they shared was more
important?  q=.  -. : "" I'hat was a long time ago," she said.  " Too
long ago to qt::qiqk about now.  "

"Then you never think about it?  Sometimes I shut my eyes and I see you
at twenty-one.  You're wearing a sundress Blue.  Pale blue, with silver
threads running through it.  And you have gardenias in your hair."

"Divorce doesn't wipe away memories, does it?  It should."  "

" And I wore?  "

"I don't remember."  And she tried not to.  " " A shirt you'd made me.
No collar.  Long flowing sleeves.  And embroidery around the opening at
the front.  Ivy, I think.  "

Despite herself she smiled a little.  "You were so uncomfortable I
could tell you wanted to wear a tie with it."

"I still have it."

"

" No.  "

"

" I do.  Packed away in the spare bedroom of my apartment"

She was moved by his admission, although she didn't want to be.  "That
night's long past: '

"Tonight it doesn't seem so long ago."

It didn't seem so long ago to her, either.  She could shut her eyes and
remember every detail.  She didn't shut her eyes, but as Stefan fell
silent, the memories were there between them.

Spring break of Lindsey's senior year had come on the tail of a series
of snowstorms that lasted for nearly a week.  Fed up with snow, ice and
a boyfriend who was often too busy to see her, she had boarded a plane.
Her mother and stepfather had a house in Key West that they weren't
using at the moment, and she had gotten permission to stay there for
the week-long holiday.  She had invited Stefan to come with her, but he
had refused.  He was mired in studying and projects he didn't want to
abandon.  She felt abandoned instead.

Her mother's house was a collection of shining surfaces.  Glass,
terrazzo, marble, stainless steel.  All reflected light from wide,
unadorned windows.  Although her mother and stepfather had been in
Europe for a month on business, a housekeeper still came every morning
to polish and primp.  Lindsey walked through the sparsely furnished
rooms and wished that she had stayed at school.

She spent her first day in Florida soaking up sun and swimming in the
huge pool that took up most of the backyard Neighbors had a barbecue
that evening, and from a moonlit lounge chair she listened to the
friendly give and take of the large happy family behind the wooden
privacy fence.

The next morning she shopped, just to get away from the silence of the
house.  She watched mothers with their children , teenagers clustered
in noisy groups on street corners, young men and women strolling hand
in hand.  Finally she realized that she preferred silence to the
loneliness of being on the outside.

That afternoon she was halfway through a novel she had found on her
mother's bookshelf when the doorbell rang.  She wasn't expecting
anyone, but even a delivery man might be more interesting than the
book. When she opened the door and saw Stefan, she knew that missing
him had been the reason for all her dissatisfaction.

She was in his arms before he could draw another breath.  "I thought
you weren't coming!  "

He held her tightly against him and murmured into her hair, "I missed
you.  I wasn't getting anything done anyway" " " Because you missed me?
"

"What do you think?"  Then he kissed her.  Hard.

"I think I was at least part of the cause," she said, when she could
speak again.

"Is anybody else here?"

"The housekeeper's gone."

"No one else?  No girlfriend you invited at the last minute ?  No
boyfriend stashed away?"

"He went out the back way when he heard the doorbell"

" " Lock the back door for the rest of my stay.  " He stepped inside,
and his gaze flicked over the barren landscape.  " This house isn't
you: '

"My mother and I don't see eye to eye on much."

"

" I'm sorry I won' the meeting her.  "

"No, you're not."

His gaze found hers and held it as he framed her face with his hands.
"How do you always know what I'm thinking ?  "

"You give me plenty of practice in guessing.  You never tell me
yourself."

"What am I thinking now?"

"That you're hungry."

He smiled, one of those rare smiles capable of eroding all her good
sense.  "Close."

She knew what he was really hungry for, and she also knew the time
wasn't right.  Not quite yet.  She covered his hands with hers and drew
them down between them as a barrier.  " " And that you want to change
your clothes and take a swim while I get you a snack and some tea.  "

"I do?"

"Yes."

He withdrew reluctantly.  "All right.  But I'm taking you out to dinner
later.  Somewhere nice."

"I know just the place."

The remainder of the afternoon drifted by on long looks, smiles and
slow, sweet kisses.  Despite Stefan's flirting, both of them were
waiting for something.  They had not made love in the nearly six months
that they had known each other.  Their schedules were busy, and it
wasn't often that they'd had time and privacy.  On those rare occasions
when they had, they had taken each other to the brink of love making,
but never beyond.  As different as they were, both of them sensed the
importance of their relationship.  They were equally afraid of
commitment and ruining what they had already built together.

That evening Lindsey dressed for dinner with great care.  "She had
never been to the restaurant she had chosen, but she qevv its
reputation.  It was candlelight on a brick patio oqverlooking extensive
tropical gardens.  It was the sound of waves crashing against the beach
and slow jazz from a talqted trio.  It was moonlight and the fragrance
of roses and as mine It was romance.

Stefan was waiting by the time she emerged.  When she found he was
wearing the shirt she had given him for qtinas, she hardly knew what to
say.

"You look great."  She watched the way his gaze roamed over her.  He
didn't have to tell her what he thought about the way she looked.

He held out a handful of gardenias.  " " I thought you might qke to
wear these.  " " qy're gorgeous.  But where did you get them?  There
aren't any in Mother's yard: '

His eapression went from wolfish to sheepish.  "I went for a walk
around the neighborhood while you were getting qdy."

"

"I really didn't think the yard six doors down would miss r:q.  It was
filled with flowers."  q She laughed.  Stefan was the most honorable
person she qad ever met.  She knew what picking someone else's
garqdenias had cost him.  ;qq "And there was a For Sale sign in the
yard," he added.  "I qicqn't think anyone's living there now, or I
would have

"I'm sure you're right."  He smiled.  "I had to have them, no matter
what.  But I'm qiting for a knock at the door."

"The gardenia cops?  " "Exactly."  She kissed him, and the perfume of
gardenias enveloped q'We'd better leave if we're still planning to," he
said.

"

" We have all night together.  "

He held her tighter before he finally let her go.

Dinner was everything she had hoped it would be.  The -night was warm,
with a light breeze that carried the scent of the gardens and the ocean
to their table.  By torchlight Stefan ate pompano with a delicate wine
sauce and Lindsey an artistic presentation of fresh vegetables. Holding
hands over dessert, they fed each other strawberries dipped in dark
chocolate and sips of espresso.

Afterwards, she still wasn't ready to go home.  "I need to walk," she
said after Stefan had paid the bill.  "Let's wander a little."

He slid her shawl over her shoulders and held out his hand.  They
strolled through the terrace and down toward the beach, weaving their
way along pathways lined with roses and hibiscus.  " " I'm so glad you
came, " Lindsey said, standing where she could see the ocean.

Stefan put his arm around her.  "I am, too."

She held herself away from him q. and decided that the time had come
for total honesty.  " " I was going to try to forget you.  " " " I
know."

She was surprised.  "You do?"

"I'm not completely insensitive."

"I never thought you were."

"It's crossed your mind at times."

"You're confused.  I read minds.  You're training to operate on
them."

"You confuse me.  And you distract me."  "

" Good.  "

He turned her a little so he could see her face.  "I've never g given
this much thou ht but when I have, I ve thought that I'd marry a woman
like me."

"Someone who runs her life by the clock and matches your brilliance?
Someone who understands perfectly why you have to push yourself twenty
out of every twenty-four hours?"

"Life's not long enough."  q'And there's so much you want to know.  You
didn't count on me or anyone like me, did you?  "

"No."

They walked a little farther in silence.  At the end of the tqerrace
there was a cypress gazebo, starkly simple and geometric in design.
Entwined amidst the cypress slats were hlshly blooming bougainvillea
vines.

Lindsey touched a cluster of scarlet blossoms.  "What qvould the gazebo
be like without the flowers?"  she asked.  "I wonder, would you like it
better if it was bare?"

"Of course not."

"And without the gazebo for structure, the vines would run wild.  There
would be a thicket here.  No view.  No place to sit: '

"So I'm the gazebo and you're the bougainvillea?"

She touched his cheek.  "You have to decide if you want to learn the
things I can teach you, Stefan.  I don't want to change you, but I
don't want to change, either.  I'll confuse and distract you forever if
you let me.  If you don't let me, if you hang on to this relationship
but you isolate yourself, _then we'll only hurt each other."

"I'm not sure I understand: '

"I'm not sure you do, either."  She dropped her hand.  "I love you.  I
have right from the beginning."  She had told him What in many
different ways, but she had never said the words so directly.  She
watched his expression, but he hid whatever he was feeling.

"You love me," he said at last, "but you were going to try q forget me?
" q. We,re on the brink of something here.  Don't you feel it?  the're
reaching a point where it's going to be hard, so very, hard, to go back
again.  I love you.  I don't want to hurt Not for anything.  And I
don't want to be hurt.  But maybe we should do the hurting now.  Maybe
we shouldn't go any further.  "

"And maybe we should."

She closed her eyes.  She felt his hands on her shoulders, then his
lips on hers.  She had given warning.  As the scents of salt air,
flowers and the man she loved filled her, she abandoned all caution.
She had given Stefan his chance to back away.  And he had refused to
take it.

"I knew that night we were making a mistake," she said.  The scents of
a different garden filled her, but the man, and his power to hurt her
were the same.

"No, you didn't.  You were full of hope.  And so was I."

She edged away from him and stood.  "I was full of hormones I wanted
you: '

"You wanted more than sex.  So did I."

"What did you want?"  She faced him.  "What did you ever want that I
could give you?  I couldn't give you order or calm.  The perfect wife
would have given you those.  She would have cooked your meals, cleaned
your house, raised quiet, intelligent children who never bothered you.
She would have advanced your career and made no emotional demands.  I
told you that night I could never be that wife."

"That should tell you something."

"And I'm supposed to deduce an answer?  You can't tell me that much?"

"" I wanted what you had to give me.  "

"

" But you never took it !  "

He stood, too.  "Is that what you wanted, Lindsey?  Is that where I
failed you?  I didn't take enough?  Maybe my memories are distorted,
but I thought you said we divorced because

I didn't give you enough.  "

"You gave me everything material.  You gave me nothing of yourself, and
you wouldn't take anything I offered."

"I took this: He pulled her to him before she could protest and covered
her lips with his.  She didn't even pretend to struggle.  She was no
protesting maiden.  She wanted this as much as he did, as much as she
had that night in Key West.  She would always want Stefan, and nothing,
not years or logic or the pain they had brought each other, could
change that.

He thrust her away.  " " You divorced me because you never learned to
compromise!  You wanted everything, and when you couldn't have it all,
you wanted out!  "

"I divorced you because I loved you too much to bear it!  "

He stared at her.  "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I love you-loved you-too much.  Can you know what it's like to live
with someone, hoping everyday that he'll love you just a little bit,
too?"

"I loved you: '

"So you said.  Occasionally.  But your love was like an oasis in the
desert, Stefan.  An oasis with a brick wall surrounding it.  And I
couldn't climb that wall, even though I knew that everything I needed
to go on living was on the other side.  I couldn't climb it, no matter
how hard I struggled or what route I took: '

His voice was quiet and measured.  " " When you reached out for me in
the middle of the night, I was there.  I was always there.  "

She turned away.  "

" Don't.  "

"And I could be there again."

"qr marriage didn't work."  "qd our divorce isn't working any better.
You still want me.  I want you.  We could be a family again.  We could
hold each other again."  He put his arms around her waist.  "We could
try again."

"What would be different?"  She held herself stiffly.  She had kissed
him, but she wouldn't lean against him.  "What?  "

"We could try harder."

"I couldn't."

"Then you don't want me anymore?  You don't dream sometimes that we're
back together?  You don't think of me sometimes late at night when you
can't get to sleep because your body aches with desire?"

" " Don't, Stefan .  "He turned her toward him.  " Just tell me you
don't love me anymore.  Tell me that when you said you loved me a
moment ago, it was just a slip of the tongue.  Tell me, make me believe
it, and I'll never bring this up again.  "

She wanted to form the words, but she couldn't lie.  "I think you'd
better go now: '

He lifted her chin so she was forced to look at him.  "I'm real,
Lindsey.  No colored lights in the sky, no unearthly music, no visions
of perfection and unity.  I'm just a man.  But I'm here.  You can touch
me, see me, hear me.  And I want you back in my life.  Until death do
us part."

"What I saw that night had nothing to do with you!"

"You have always wanted more than this world and the people in it could
give you: '

"I just wanted love."

"So you found it in a vision one night.  But that vision wasn't real. I
am."  He kissed her again.

This time she resisted.  She knew how easy it would be to give in to
him.  And she couldn't, no matter how vulnerable she was.  "I want you
to go, Stefan."

"No, you don't: " "Go!  " She pushed him away.  " " You can't say you
don't love me anymore.  You can't say it, can you?  "

"Why ask me now?  Why did you wait so long to ask for another
chance?"

"I believed you when you said you wanted a divorce."  "

" How logical.  "

"And now I don't."

"I always wanted you.  And I never had you.  And I never will, because
you won't give yourself to me."

"I'm standing right here."  He touched her cheek.

His fingertips were warm.  She closed her eyes, but she knew the exact
instant that the warmth was withdrawn.  She stood in the garden and
listened until she heard the sound of his car driving away.

Chapter 9

In the week after the talk in the garden, Lindsey arose every morning
before dawn.  Sleep eluded her, along with peaoe of mind.  On the
eighth morning, through a thick, dreamlike fog, she heard her bedroom
door open; then she heard a giggle.

She turned on her side and saw Mandy standing beside her bed.  Her
tongue resisted forming words.  She struggled.  "How long have you been
up, sweetheart?"

"You're a sleepyhead!"

"You're right."  She saw that her bedside clock said ten.  She was
horrified, but too sick to do anything about it.

"We made you breakfast."

"Cereal and toast," Geoff said, following his sister into the bedroom.
"And orange juice."

"You made orange juioe, too?"  Lindsey knew she had to sit up to let
the children see how much she appreciated their thoughtfulness.  With
difficulty she pushed herself upright.  The room spun, just as she had
suspected it would.  She gritted her teeth and waited.  Eventually it
stopped.

Geoff leaned over the bed in assessment.  "Are you feeling all
right?"

"Afraid not.  That's why I slept so late."

"Do you need a doctor?  Should we call Alden?"

"No.  I've just caught some bug or other."

"A lightning bug?"  Mandy asked.

Lindsey managed a laugh.  "No, but it feels like lightning in my
head."

"She means she's got the flu or something.  You know, like you did last
Christmas when you couldn't go to school and be in your play," Geoff
explained.  " " Alden could fix it !  "

Lindsey held out her hand for the juice.  "I don't need anybody to fix
anything, sweetheart.  I just need to rest.  I'll probably have to stay
in bed most of today.  Can you two take care of each other?"

The idea excited them.  They exchanged a volley of suggestions on just
how to go about that as they presented Lindsey with soggy cornflakes
and perfect toast.  By the time the discussion was finished, it was
obvious that Lindsey's illness rated with Christmas and birthdays as
something to celebrate.

It rated lower for Lindsey.  She wasn't surprised she was ql.  While
shopping for milk and bread in town she had heard that a number of
people on the island were suffering from summer colds.  Her own
resistance had probably been lowered by the busy schedule she had kept
with the children In the last week they had taken their van back to the
mainland to spend two days at Cedar Point, a nearby amusement park.
They had spent one day sailing with friends who lived on the east side
of the island, two more entertaining friends from Rocky River.  They
had picked a gallon of blackberries, ridden their bicycles and taken
Kong for endless walks.  All, she suspected, to put the specter of
Geoff disappearing into the lake out of their minds.

And to keep Stefan and the change in their relationship out of hers.

"This is the best breakfast I've ever eaten," she told the children in
between choking down bits and pieces of the toast.  Mandy stood by her
right shoulder and watched.  "Then how come you're not eating very
much?"

"I think that's all I can manage for now."  Lindsey handed her dishes
back to Geoff and hoped he would remove the leftover food as swiftly as
possible.  She was feeling even worse than she had feared.

"Can we get you anything else?"  he asked.

"I think I'll just rest some more.  Leave my door open so I can hear
what's going on.  Okay?"

"You don't have to worry about us: '

"Oh, I know.  But just in case, remember the rules."  She tried to
remember them herself.  "No cooking... or using knives to cut anything.
No fighting.  And don't go anywhere .  unless you get my permission."
She shut her eyes as the room began to spin again.

The rest of the morning was a haze.  She woke up periodically ,
sometimes to find Mandy or Geoff gazing down at her, sometimes alone.
Once she tried to take a few sips of water but found she could barely
hold the cup.

Sometime later, it could have been minutes or hours, she heard Kong's
ferocious barking.  She wondered how one dog could sound like an entire
pack of wolves.  While she was still slowly forming that thought she
heard Alden's voice.

"How are you feeling?"

She felt a cool hand on her forehead.  "What are you doing here?"

"Ceoff came over to tell me you were sick."

"I told him... not to bother you.  I'm getting a cold: "

" Is that so?  "

"I'm hardly ever sick.  I guess... I was due for something"

"Maybe.  Why don't you open your mouth and let me take a look?"

She felt too ill to argue.  She stuck out her tongue and grunted.

"I'm going to look in your eyes."

"If I can keep them open."  She managed to while he flashed something
in them for a few seconds.

"Had any headaches?"

"On and off."

"How long?"

"Early June or so."  "

" Have you had a checkup?  "

She thought of the endless hours in the hospital emergency room after
her encounter.  "A thorough one."

"After that incident you told me about?"

"That's right: "

"And they didn't find anything?  "

"They found out I'm not a very good patient."

"I see."

"Alden, I'm going to be... fine.  I just need some rest."

"I've got something that should help: '

"I don't like to take anything.  I'd rather... let my body cure
itself."

"How sick do you feel?"

"Miserable."

"Let your body cure itself with a little help, then."

"

" You're relentless.  "

"And you may be sicker than you think."  "

" What's wrong with me?  "

He hesitated longer than usual.  "Probably nothing serious But it's not
something that's going to turn into a few simple sneezes and coughs.
You've got a high fever, and I think you're anemic, among other things.
Have you been pushing yourself too hard?"

"A little.  But I'm never sick."

"You are now.  Let me give you something to make you feel better."

She didn't have any strength left to resist.  "All right.  If it will
make me get over this faster.  I don't like leaving .  Geoff and Mandy
unsupervised."

He turned his back to her and bent over for his bag.  "They told me you
have friends on the other side of the island Let me call and see if
they'll take the children for you tonight.  I'll take them if your
friends can't, but I think you'll get more rest if they're not so close
by."

"I don't want to put anybody out: "

" Put them out?  "

"You know :..  cause trouble.  Disturb them."  "

" Right.  "

She had a sudden brainstorm, which was surprising, since her brain
didn't seem to be functioning quite right.  "Was English your first
language, Alden?"

"

" No.  "

"That explains it: " "What?"

" " The reason..  you hesitate before you speak.  You're translating,
aren't you?  " " "You're very perceptive."

Her head began to throb again.  She snuggled down into her pillow and
shut her eyes.  Sometime later she felt Alden lift her arm.  There was
the faintest prick, so faint that she didn't even open her eyes to see
what he was doing.  "The children can stay here.  I'm going to be
fine."

" " Just think about something pleasant, Lindsey.  You'll go to sleep
now.  And when you wake up, you'll already be starting to feel better.
" " "Good news."

"And I'll be sure Geoff and Mandy are taken care of tonight : '

"Thanks."  She wanted to open her eyes, but her lids seemed heavier by
the moment.  She just managed to murmur goodbye before she fell
asleep.

* * *

Stefan had only met Alden once, and the introduction had tsn in the
middle of a driving thunderstorm.  But between Geoff and Mandy's
endless commentary and Lindsey's glowing reports, he felt he knew the
man well.

And he didn't like him.

He was too rational not to understand his own animosity Alden had
effortlessly earned the affection from Stefan 's wife and children that
Stefan had always longed for.  From what Stefan knew of him, everything
was effortless to Alden.  He was a physician, too, but he seemed bound
by none of the restrictions that hobbled Stefan.  He changed positions
when it suited him, took summers off if he needed the rest even refused
to specialize so that he could enjoy the diversity of general
practice.

Or at least that was what he'd told Lindsey.

Stefan knew that once more he should be grateful to AI den He had taken
care of Lindsey, even to the point of arranging child-care for her so
that she could rest more comfortably.  But deep down Stefan was no more
grateful than he had been when Alden saved Geoff's life.

It was late afternoon before his ferry arrived on Kelleys Island.  In
order to take the ferry at all he had turned over two patients to the
resident on call and blackened his own name professionally.  In the
last month he had taken more personal time than he could remember
taking in all his years at the hospital combined.  His reputation as
someone who could be counted on night or day-never mind his private
life-was in shreds, and he didn't much care.

When the ferry docked he walked to his attorney's house to get the
Peugeot.  In minutes he was knocking on Alden Fitzpatrick's door.

The man who answered only vaguely resembled Geoff and Mandy's
soaked-to-the-skin rescuer.  This Alden was undeniably good-looking,
and his smile was friendly.

Stefan held out his hand.  "I'm Stefan Daniels, Geoff and Mandy's
father.  We met a few weeks ago."

Alden shook his hand.  "Right.  Geoff said he'd spoken to you this
morning."

"I called just to see how he was.  I'm glad I did."  - "Come in: Alden
stepped back to let Stefan pass.

Alden's cottage was small and painfully neat.  There was no evidence of
children here, no small artistic touches like those Lindsey left in her
wake.  There was, in fact, little evidence that anyone lived here at
all.  It reminded Stefan of his own apartment.  At least they had that
much in common.

"I don't want to keep you," Stefan said.

"I just made some coffee.  Would you like some?"

"All right: Stefan followed Alden into the kitchen, which was as empty
of warmth as the rest of the cottage.

The coffee was strong and bitter, too strong for Stefan's taste.  He
took three polite sips.  Alden drank his without making a face.

Stefan set his cup on the counter.  "I'm on my way to see Lindsey.  I
just wanted to find out what you thought about her illness."

"She should be feeling better by now."

"I gave her something to make her rest easier: '

"What?"  "

" Something I've devised.  "

"I don't know if I like the sound of that: '

"I've studied oriental medicine extensively.  There are many more ways
of treating illness than most Western physicians understand."

"I'd prefer you didn't experiment on my family."

"You'll find her improved."  Alden poured himself more coffee and
topped off Stefan's cup.  "You won't find her well, though."

"

" What do you mean?  "

Alden hesitated.  Stefan had already noticed a chronic hesitation each
time Alden spoke.  But this time he seemed to be struggling with
exactly what to say-or how to say it.  "I believe this is not just a
simple virus," he said at last.

From a Distance I55

"Exactly what do you think is going on?"

"I'm not really qualified to give it a name.  But I think she should be
seen by someone who is: '

"Damn it, man, what are you talking about?"

"I only did a brief exam.  But there seems to be a degeneration of
sorts.  Examine her yourself and you'll see what I mean."

"

" Degeneration?  "

"Degeneration.  Deterioration.  That's as specific as I can get."

"Where did you train?"

Alden smiled.  "In places where we didn't pretend to understand
something if we weren't absolutely sure we did: '

Stefan stared into Alden's eyes and felt strangely chastened'I'd better
go take a look myself.  "

"I think that would be wise."

"I haven't thanked you for seeing her.  Or for saving my son's life."

"You haven't thanked me because you wish it hadn't been me.  You love
them very much, don't you?"

"My feelings are my own business."

"Of course.  But you don't feel resentment just because I sense your
love for your family, do you?"

"How do you feel about them?"

Alden'sexpression changed.  Subtly.  "Worried."

Stefan felt a chill.  He reached for his coffee and took one final sip.
Foolishly, his hands, a neurosurgeon's hands, weren't quite steady.  "I
hope you're worried for nothing."

"There's much we could teach each other.  Do you realize it?  "

"

" No.  "

"I've studied extensively, but there are things I still don't
understand.  You've studied extensively, but there are areas and
philosophies of medicine that you've never touched on: '

"I'm a highly trained specialist.  I can't understand everything"

"

" No.  "

"And I don't waste my time on the unproven."

"You might consider how much that limits you: There was something, some
fact, some reality, just out of Stefan's reach.  He felt it, sensed it
throughout his body in a way that was strange for him.  But he couldn't
imagine what it could be.  He set his cup on the saucer.  With a final
nod to Alden, he left the cottage.

When Lindsey awoke, it was growing dark outside.  The last hours seemed
like a dream.  She wasn't sure Alden had really been there, or that he
had given her a shot to make her feel better.  But she did feel better.
Much better, although certainly not back to normal.

She listened for the sounds of the children's voices, but the house was
quiet.  She turned over to see what time it was and found a note beside
the clock along with a thermos of ice water.  The children were across
the island and would be back tomorrow afternoon.  They had even taken
Kong with them.

She sat up slowly to pour some water, and the room didn't spin.  There
was no reason to worry about Geoff and Mandy.  The family they were
staying with had children near their ages.  Everyone would have a good
time, and she could return the favor when she felt well again.  Now she
could just concentrate on getting better.

Half an hour later she had managed to shower and change into a knit
jumpsuit.  She was contemplating a trip downstairs for something to eat
when she heard the front door open.  " " Alden?  " " " Wrong doctor."

"Stefan?  What on earth are you doing here?"

He took the stairs two at a time.  "What are you doing out of bed?  "

"I was about to go downstairs and rummage for food."

"Don't try it.  I'll make you something and bring it up."

She wanted to protest, opened her mouth to do it, in fact.

But she realized before she could utter a word just how wonderful
eating upstairs would be.  "Great.  Thanks."

Stefan had expected an argument.  But the woman in front of him was too
pale and unsteady for one.  She looked as if the breeze from an open
window might knock her off her feet.  He touched her cheek with the
back of his hand.  "How do you feel?  "

"You must know or you wouldn't be here."

"I called earlier just to see how things were.  Geoff told me you were
sick.  I saw Alden on the way over here."

"There was no need to worry you.  It's just the beginning of a cold:
'

"You're not hot: '

"Good."

"Alden tells me he gave you something."

"Whatever it was worked."

"Don't let him give you anything else."

"Why?  Don't you want me to get well?"

He smiled.  After Alden's warning he was so glad to see her on her feet
that his emotions had ballooned.  "He's vague, to say the least, about
his credentials.  I just don't want him dosing you with eye of newt and
bat wing serum : '

"If that's what he gave me, I highly recommend it "

"Then I'll see if I can rustle up something like it in the kitchen: '

"Thanks, but vegetable soup will be fine.  There's some in the
cupboard."

"

" And toast?  "

"One piece.  No butter."

"Done.  Can you make it back to the bedroom by yourself ?"  "

" Easily.  "

"I'll see you there."

She settled herself back in bed and shut her eyes.  The sounds drifting
up the stairs from the kitchen were pleasant ones.  Stefan had not
cooked often during their marriage, but she could remember times,
sweet, rare times, when he had stayed home for a stolen weekend or a
few stolen hours.  Then he had cooked specialties that he remembered
from his childhood, Hilda's sauerkraut and dumplings, or chicken
paprikash that even she, the lifelong vegetarian, hadn't been able to
resist.

She remembered one particular meal so clearly that now she could almost
smell it cooking.  The similarities were obvious She had lain in bed,
just as she was doing now, and listened to Stefan in the kitchen.  But
the differences were just as obvious.  It was a Florida morning she
remembered , the morning after she and Stefan had made love for the
first time.

And the night before?  She remembered that, too.  It wasn't surprising
that those memories would surface now, because her resistance had never
been lower.

Maybe there was no point in trying to forget what she never could,
anyway.  Her years with Stefan had been a large portion of her life.
Pretending they qveren't important hadn't changed her feelings;
remembering wouldn't, either.  But that didn't matter now, anyway.  She
was powerless to bridle the memory.  Powerless and reluctant.

After their talk in the restaurant garden, Stefan had taken the long
way home.  Once they stopped the car to stroll hand in hand along a
public beach.  She took off her shoes and insisted he take off his,
too. The water was cool, and they waded and splashed like children.

Stefan found her a shell, a perfect, pearly pink spiral that neither of
them could identify.  She found a starfish for him, but he sent it
sailing back into deep water because it was still alive.  As she
watched it twirl through the air she knew, irrevocably , that it was
too late to stop loving him.

Back at her mother's house he opened a bottle of champagne They toasted
each other with their arms entwined.

"To standby flights to Florida," she said.  "And to the man who stood
by."

"To the man who doesn't intend to stand by any longer."

She smiled slowly.  Very, very slowly.  "No?"

"

" Finish your champagne.  "

She did.  Very, very slowly.

He waited, betraying no frustration.  When she had finished , he took
her glass and set it on the counter.  "Let's take a swim:

"Now?"  "

" That's right: '

"You're not waterlogged from this afternoon?"

"

" No.  "

"

"Let me get my suit: '

"No."

"I see."

"Good: He took her hand.

Outside, the same moon that had transformed the white sand beach into
an endless stretch of glistening opal transformed the tropical
plantings and pool into a South Seas lagoon.  Sheltered by thick stands
of bamboo and palm against a cypress fence, the lagoon was completely
private.

At the water's edge, Stefan dropped Lindsey's hand.  She faced him and
smiled her most provocative smile.  "Who's first?"

"

" You: '

She felt not the slightest trace of awkwardness.  She qached for the
top button of her dress, but Stefan arrived there first.  He smoothed
his hands along her collarbone; then his thumbs dipped lower, tracing
the soft skin along her shoulder straps.

Her hands fell to her sides.  She watched his face.  He was the
explorer now; the man determined to learn all he could.

One strap slid over her shoulder, then the next.  His hands dipped
lower.

The first button was set free.  She could feel the evening breeze
against her skin, cooling each inch of flesh as he abandoned it.  The
second button fell free, then the third.  When she surfaced again she
still When the fourth button was freed the dress slid down her another
tug on her leg told her she shoulders to reveal her breasts.  His hand
molded one, then laughed and went after him.  Under tl the other.
detect a shape moving toward the she There were a thousand cliches he
could have uttered, but She followed.  When he came up for he chose
silence.  He leaned closer to kiss her neck.  Her head behind him. fell
back, and she reveled in the feel of his hands and lips.  She circled
his neck with her arms When her dress finally fell to her hips, her
arms were free.  before he could respond, she dove be She stretched
them toward him, pulling him closer.  As her started across the pool.
dress billowed to their feet, his lips found hers.  She was breathing
hard when he fir She undressed him as slowly as her failing
self-control shallow end once more.  She laughed would allow.  She
bunched the fabric of his shirt in her qught in her throat as he kissed
her.  hands, ignoring the hours of love that had gone into its ere legs
entwined with his.  The water hac at ion Palms pressed against his
chest, she slid the shirt to q qponse to her.  He was warm and his
shoulders, then over his head.  His flesh was warm qtin She moved her
hands over 1 against hers, hard where hers was yielding.  She pressed
plane, each slope of his body.  herself against him as she found the
waistband of his slacks, que had tantalized; now it proq then the
zipper.  " lifted her, sipping the droplets of waq Are you sure you
want to swim?  she whispered.  q.qoat.  Then his mouth slid lower His
answer was a kiss that went on and on.  When it had closed around the
tip of one breastS ended, they were dressed in nothing except
moonlight.  untq her legs wrapped naturally aroi He led her to the edge
of the pool.  She couldn't look ter lapped at her thighs as his lips
mov away.  She had seen him in a swim suit, but now, completely q body
heat to fever pitch, and she naked, his masculine beauty took her
breath away.  mg to dissolve against him.  And he wanted her.  His
patience was nothing against the q'Sqfan, stop.  Not like this: Sl
blatant evidence of his arousal.  As the cool water closed should en
over her, she was filled with anticipation.  Any worries that Stefan's
self-control was ruled by a lack of real desire had Still holding her,
he carried her to vanished.  Their months together had been elaborate
fore- q' qdqg out of the pool.  He sank q play.  He was a sensual man
who genuinely savored each lying against the top step with water level
of lovemaking as only the most sensitive of men could.  q q had waited
so long, been They were about to climb to the highest plateau together.
couldn't wait long enough to find a t Pushing off from the side, she
swam to the middle of the pool.  The tile was cool against her skin
When she surfaced, she couldn t see Stefan, but a hot.  She embraced
him as he entered gentle tug on her leg told her his location.  She
swam away sq sq'ounded him like the water tt from him, dolphin from
shark, cutting sleekly through the S1q held him tightly, jealous of tl
water with her arms alone.

He rose above her, his head thrown back in ecstasy.  She knew she would
always remember him this way, proudly beautiful, exultant and wholly
immersed in their lovemaking.  She raised her eyes to his and found
them closed.  She gripped him tighter, suddenly afraid and not certain
why.  " " Stefan?  "

If he heard her, he didn't respond.  "

" Stefan !  "

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

She wasn't sure what she saw there.  In that moment, the most emotional
of her life, he seemed completely remote.  What she saw or didn't see
might have been the moonlight reflecting off the water.  It might have
been simply the age old fears of a woman who at last has given herself
to a man.

"I'm here," she said.  "

" I know.  "

It was all she needed.  She forgot her fears and demanded all of him.
Without another word she asked him to give up everything to her, each
thought, each part of himself he had never shared.

The asking took only moments.  The answer would resound through her
body and soul for years to come.

Chapter 10

That night in Key West was filled with lovemaking, with exploration and
discovery, with whispered questions and ecstatic answers.  Sometime
just before dawn Lindsey finally fell asleep in Stefan's arms. Sleeping
the whole night with a man was a new experience for her, but in the
narrow bed in her room she cuddled against him as if they had slept
together forever.

If Stefan still couldn't tell her what he felt, he'd had no trouble
showing her how much pleasure she'd given him.  She drifted into sleep
as certain of her power over him as she was of her own needs.

She was less certain late that morning when she opened her eyes. Stefan
was gone.  She knew he must be somewhere in the house, but she wondered
why he had gotten up.  The bed was cramped, but she had loved the
feeling of having him so close.  Had he found it too confining or had
the intimacy been too overwhelming?  She didn't know how to make him
tell her.  He had shut his eyes, shut her out, at the height of
intunacy last night.  He was the most private man she had ever known.

She wondered if their lovemaking had ended the challenge for him.  He
was a man who needed challenges.  Was he already forging ahead to
whatever waited in the next moment, or the next?

She turned to stroke the pillow where his head had rested.  He wasn't
her first lover, but she wanted him to be her last.  She hadn't been
looking for commitment.  She had planned on years of freedom, scores of
adoring men and a life filled with color and music.  She had not seen a
medical student in her future; she had not seen herself as a doctor's
wife.

And here she was.

A noise from downstairs interrupted her thoughts.  A pan clanged
against terrazzo, and something suspiciously like a curse followed it.
She laughed, and her worries floated away.  Her medical student was
nothing if not practical.  Perhaps all rational thought had disappeared
last night, but this morning he was quintessential Stefan again.

Determined not to spoil his surprise, she lay back and waited.

The sun was higher in the sky when he finally appeared.  He carried a
tray that had last held her mother's silver tea service.  There was a
spray of gardenias beside white china plates and a teapot
filled-judging from the smell-with coffee.  On the plates were the most
perfectly cooked omelets she had ever seen nestled against freshly
steamed broccoli

She sat up.  "Broccoli?"

"Well, you refuse to eat bacon."

"Broccoli?"  She held out her arms.  He set the tray on the floor and
took the kiss she offered.  When he moved away she noted he was dressed
while she was still gloriously naked She felt not one bit of shyness,
but she reached for her nightshirt just to even the score.

"There's a microwave downstairs," he said, tugging the nightshirt from
her hand.  " " Is there?  "

"For heating omelets if they get cold."

She smiled.  "And broccoli?"

"Particularly good for broccoli."

"I think we should give it a test."

"Later.  Much later."

Despite his words, he didn't move closer.  Florida sunshine flooded the
room, and in the light of day she saw his doubts, his fears-or at least
she imagined they were visible When he couldn't seem to reach for her,
she touched his arm.  "I know, Stefan."

"You know what?"

"How unlikely we are together.  It doesn't matter anymore"

"Doesn't it?"

"No.  Does it matter to you?"

"Last night was..."  He shook his head.

"Pick an adjective, any adjective."

"I don't know what I'd do if you left me now."

Her heart seemed to pause mid beat She knew what that statement had
cost him.

"There's some part of me that you touch," he said after a moment. "Only
you.  I don't ever want to lose you: '

"I'll never leave."  She embraced him, sure she could never let him go
again.

It was much later when they ate.  The broccoli was limp, and the cheese
in the omelets had congealed.  But the meal and the moment would never
be forgotten by either of them.  Nor would his words-even though she
never heard them spoken again.

"You don't mind if I join you, do you?"

Lindsey opened her eyes to see Stefan in the doorway with a tray.  She
knew where she was.  She knew what day it was.  But for a moment she
didn't want to believe that so much time had passed.  Or that so much
loneliness had filled those days.  She managed a smile.  "No.  Have you
eaten anything today?  "

"Breakfast."  He set the tray on the end of the bed as she wriggled
into a sitting position.  Before she could protest he reached for an
extra pillow and tucked it behind her head.  "You should take better
care of yourself."

"Look who's talking."

He waited until she was settled to hand her the tray.

"I'm planning to take it easier," she said.  "How about you?"

"According to my colleagues, that's all I've been doing lately."

She was filled with remorse.  "I'm sorry.  I really am.  It does seem
like you've done nothing but respond to crises this summer."

"Well, at least there's been a wide variety."

"The widest."  She picked up her spoon.  "This smells wonderful."

"That's a good sign.  I could go for a steak, myself."

"There were eggs in the kitchen.  You could have made an omelet."

"There's nothing interesting to eat with it."

Surprised, she looked up.  She wondered if his thoughts had turned to
one special morning, too.  But if they had, he didn't show her.  She,
on the other hand, had been so immersed in memory that it was hard now
to remember which Lindsey she was.

She watched him start on his soup.  "You really didn't have to come.
I'm feeling much better.  I would have called you if I really needed
help: '

"Geoff was worried about you."

"He's not used to me being sick: '

"After you eat, I'm going to do an exam."

"Are you?  Without my permission?"

He flashed one of his rare smiles.  "

" I'm going to get your permission.  "

"We'll see.  You know Alden already checked me over."

"He thought I should take a look, too."

"Are the two of you conducting research?"

"The two of us are worried."  "

" That's silly.  "

"So tell me about the last week."

Lindsey found the intimacy of the situation bittersweet.  They were a
man and a woman eating a cozy meal together in bed.  Teasing each
other.  Changing the subject to avoid arguments.  Discussing their
lives.  A judge had ruled that they no longer deserved this pleasure.
With a few mumbled sentences he had freed them both from caring and
sharing.  Yet here they were.  Again.  Still.

She took a few bites before she spoke.  "You used to ask me about my
week regularly.  Even when we were married, we never seamed to have
time to to!k everyday.  If we were lucky we'd only have to catch up on
a week at a time."

"I don't remember that: '

"I should have complained then, but I wanted to be an understanding
wife."

"That sounds like you're admitting something."

"I never thought the divorce was entirely your fault."  "

" Didn't you?  "

"Although, like I've told you, I did think your habit of answering me
with questions had a lot to do with it: She smiled a little to take the
sting out of her words.

"And you didn't think I could change that?"  He caught himself and
smiled, too.

"Anyway, you asked me about my week."

"That's right: '

"Well, I kept busy.  Too busy.  I think I wanted to forget what nearly
happened to Geoff.  So we ran here and there, and I exhausted myself.
That's why I'm sick."

"I kept busy, too."  He told her about his week, about the old woman
who had been misdiagnosed and sentenced to die mute and disoriented in
a nursing home until a nurse he had once worked with called him to
plead her case.  " " I evaluated last Tuesday and performed surgery on
Wednesday," he said.  " By the beginning of this week she was calling
the staff by their first names and asking them about their families.
She'll go back to the nursing home to recover, then home to her own
apartment.  "

"That's wonderful."  She touched his hand, genuinely proud of him.  " "
That's science.  "

"No, That's a human being applying the principles of science"

"It's the principles that cure."  "it's the human presence that
cures."

"I'm sure your friend Alden would agree with you "

"I'm sure he would."

He reached for her cup to fill it with hot tea.  "How are you feeling?
"

"Better by the moment.  Your human presence is curing me."

"Good nutrition: '

She laughed, sobering slowly when she realized they were staring at
each other.  The intimacy was becoming more sweet than bitter, and
frighteningly addictive.  She couldn't pretend otherwise any longer.
"When, exactly, did our differences become so fatal?"

"When we stopped trying to understand each other: '

"Maybe."  She picked up her cup but didn't bring it to her lips.  "I
wanted to understand.  I even thought I did."

He waited so long to answer that she thought he was going to change the
subject.  But he didn't.  "What did you understand?  "

She thought she was absolving him.  "That you loved me as much as you
could love anyone.  That you never, never meant to hurt me.  But that
love would never have much of a place in your life.  You'd never find
the time for it."

"Then you never understood at all."

She met his gaze again, even though she knew its dangers' What didn't I
understand?  "

His voice was cold.  "This isn't the right time for this."

"Maybe it's way past time."

"Maybe we should have had this conversation before you told me you
wanted a divorce."

"Maybe I thought if you knew how desperate I was, we would have this
conversation.  But we didn't.  You stared at me, and you said, " All
right.  If that's what you want, I'll see my attorney.  " "

"Did you ask me for a divorce just so we'd talk about the problems in
our relationship?  Was it a means to an end, a game with rules you
didn't bother to explain?"

She set down her cup.  " " No !  By then I was too hurt to live with
you anymore.  Besides, I knew you well enough to understand that
nothing, not even the threat of a divorce, was going to make you talk
about your feelings.  "

"And if I had?"

"I don't know.  That was a year ago: '

"If I had?"  "

" You didn't.  "

He finished his soup.  She was too shaken to eat the rest of hers.  A
lump had formed in her throat.  She wanted nothing more than silence
and privacy to cry.

When he cleared away the tray she pulled the covers higher.  She
expected him to leave, but he sat down on the side of the bed again.

"I probably ought to get some more sleep," she said.

"I'd like to examine you first.  Are you going to let me?"

There was nothing she wanted less, but she knew if they argued again
she would cry.  " " If you think you have to.  " " " I want to."

"

" Go ahead, then.  "

"Rest for a few minutes.  I'll be back."

She couldn't rest.  Stefan's answers-and lack of them kept ringing
through her head.  Something else bothered her, too.  Her own answers.
Had she been telling the truth?  Had she ever?  Without admitting it to
herself, had she asked Stefan for a divoroe as a last-ditch attempt to
reconcile their differences?  Had she tried and failed to make him see
how much she really needed him?

At the time, she had convinced herself she truly wanted him to leave.
Now she had to wonder if she had told herself lies.  A year had passed
and the divorce was a fact.  But had any measure of peace come with
that final decree?  Almost more important, had she ever believed any
would?

"Can you sit up?"

If he was bothered by what had occurred, it didn't show.  He looked
like any physician doing rounds in a hospital filled with strangers.
With nothing left except to get this over with quickly, she propped
herself against the pillows.  "You're out of your element.  This is
like hiring Frank Lloyd Wright to nail shingles on a roof."

"I still remember my basic training."

"Just don't recommend brain surgery because you can't think of anything
else to offer."

He touched her cheek.  Her eyelids closed involuntarily.  One touch,
one casual touch, and she felt tears gathering under them.

He wrapped something around her arm, and she knew he was taking her
blood pressure.  She lay quietly and told herself not to cry.  Things
were already too complicated.  " " Open your mouth.  "

She made the same gagging noise she had made for Alden She was
absolutely rigid while he looked in her ears.  When she felt his hands
at her neck, she opened her eyes.  He was looking at her, not over her
shoulder at the wall as her general practitioner would have done.

His hands felt wonderful.  As tense as she was, as emotionally
volatile, she could feel their healing magic.  She wanted to beg him to
stop, and she wanted to beg him not to.  Instead, she tried to keep her
voice light.  " " Do you know anything yet?  "

"You're sick."

"Thanks.  I'm glad I'm not paying you."

His fingertips massaged each inch of her neck, moving slowly under her
hair to the back of her head.  "Does this hurt?  "

She made a sound that could have been a yes or a no.

His thumbs caressed the soft skin under her chin.  "Swallow" She did.
"Did that hurt?"

She shook her head.

"I don't think it's a cold.  You don't seem congested."

"Some other virus, then."

He continued to knead her neck.  "You're very tense."

"You're very close."

"I'm not going to hurt you."

She knew that wasn't true.  She looked away.  His hands moved to her
shoulders and continued the same slow massage' How did you feel this
morning before Alden treated you?  "

"Dizzy.  My head ached."

"Was today the first time that's happened?"

She hesitated too long to lie.  "No.  But today's the only time I
haven't been able to ignore it."

" " Lind..  sey.  " He shook his head.  " "You promised me you'd tell
me if you started having any unusual symptoms"

"Headaches come from tension, Stefan."

"Sometimes.  Tell me about them."

She did, responding to all the questions he asked.  "So what now?  Do
you pull out the chain saw and set to work?"

"No, I pull out my light."  He didn't pull out anything.  His hands
continued their exquisite torture.

Her eyelids drifted shut once more.  "You should go."

"I'm not done."  "that's what I'm afraid of."

"This isn't like any examination I've ever had."

"Different from Alden's?"

"Yes."  "

" Good.  "

She felt his hands leave her shoulders; then she felt his lips against
her forehead.  She opened her eyes, but he was already bending for his
bag.

The light was bright, but not precisely like the one Alden had used. He
took longer than she'd expected, but he had always been thorough. When
he flicked it off and sat back, his expression gave nothing away.

"Well?"  "

" Layman's terms?  "

"

" Please."

"I don't know what's wrong."

She laughed a little.

He smiled a little.  "But I do want you to get some more tests.  I'm
not sure what I see.  I need some more information"

"What are you worried about?"

"I'm not trying to put you off, but I can't really tell you.  It's..  :
He shrugged, turning his hands up.  " It's probably nothing.  Your
blood pressure's a little high.  You may be anemic.  Both could be due
to a virus.  But with the symptoms you've been having, we don't want to
rule out possibilities" " " Possibilities?  "

"That's the best I can do unless I get obnoxiously technical"

"

" Don't: '

"Will you come in for a workup?"

"I had a workup: '

"Not a complete one.  Besides, some time's passed.  If anything's
happening, we'll have a baseline to compare it to."

"

" Will you be the one in charge?  "

"That depends on you.  If you'd like me to be in charge, I will."

"Of course.  If I come in."

"I'm not finished yet."  "

" What else do you need to know?  "

He put his light in his bag and got his stethoscope.  "I'm going to
listen to your heart and lungs.  Unzip your jumpsuit"

"I'm breathing fine."

"I'm sure you are.  But let me see for myself, okay?"

She had never been shy with him, not even at the beginning of their
relationship.  She told herself she was being foolish and grasped the
zipper, opening it six inches.

He opened it another six.  She wondered if he had guessed that she
wasn't wearing a bra.

He warmed the bell of the stethoscope against his hand.  "Have you had
any pain in your chest?  Any coughing?"

She didn't meet his eyes.  "No."

"Lindsey, I'm a doctor."

"You're my lover and husband."  She realized what she'd said.  " "
Were, " she amended.

"Take a deep breath."

She found that part easy, but she jumped when he touched her.  The
stethoscope was cool, but his hand was warm.  It brushed against her
breast as he moved the stethoscope into position.  "Let it out."

The sensation growing in the most intimate parts of her body had
nothing to do with illness.  She felt blood rising to her cheeks, and
her breath caught as he moved the stethoscope again.  " " Another
breath.  "

"Haven't you heard enough?"

His eyes met hers.  "Another breath."

She took a deep one and held it.  His left hand kneaded her shoulder;
his right moved again.  "Good.  Now let it out: '

She knew her heart was speeding.  It seemed unfair that all her
responses were right there for him to read when his were so hidden.
"Doesn't this bother you?"  she demanded.  "Or is it just me?  After
everything, how can you be so objective ?"

"One more."

"One more what?"

"Breath."

She pulled enough oxygen into her lungs to last an hour.

"Good.  Now turn around.  We'll just slip your top down."

She turned her back to him.  "Not we.  You.  I'm not helping.  And
there's no nurse in the room."

"

" Professional j argon.  "

"Professional hooey."  She felt his hands against her skin.  The
jumpsuit slid slowly over her shoulders.  Slowly enough to be
suspicious.  This time she didn't jump when the stethoscope touched
her.  She squeezed her eyelids shut and forced herself to be still.

"Take a deep breath."

"Stefan, get this over with quickly."  "

" One more.  "

She obliged him.  Then she lifted her arms to pull the jumpsuit back
on.  Stefan gathered the fabric in his hands and slowly slid it up her
spine.  She shuddered when his hands stopped at her shoulders.  " " I
didn' tprotest when you asked me for a divorce, " he said softly, "
because I didn't know how.  I didn't know how Lindsey.  I thought you
didn't love me anymore.  I thought everything must be over between us.
I couldn't believe you'd want a divorce if you loved me at all: '

So many mistakes.  So many misunderstandings.  A tear escaped and slid
down her cheek.  "It was for the best.  It doesn't pay to look back and
wish it had been different."

"

" No?  Then I waste time everyday.  "

"How could anything be different when we're the same people we've
always been?"

"I'd like to know."

"You don't want me.  Not really.  You look at our marriage and see a
failure.  You've never failed at anything in your life.  You're
confusing that with wanting me."

"I want you: He turned her slowly toward him.  " I know the difference.
"

"You want sex.  I want sex.  We've both been alone too long."

"Because we chose to.  Because neither of us wants anyone else."

She opened her eyes and saw the man she loved, the man she would always
love, staring back at her.  A11 she had to do was reach out and
whatever he could share would be hers again.  How many nights had she
reached for him since he'd moved out of their house?  How many nights
had she reached out to find him gone?

She was too weak, too needy, to resist any longer.  She made a noise of
surrender low in her throat.  Neither a yes nor a no, it left
everything up to him.  He framed her face with his hands, and she was
surprised to find they were trembling.  His lips were firm and
unbelievably sweet against her own.  She sighed against them and
reached out to pull him closer.

"God, how I've missed you, how I've missed this."  He whispered the
words in her ear as if he couldn't say them out loud.  His lips touched
her earlobe; his breath caressed it.  She shuddered, as responsive to
his lovemaking as she had been on that Florida night.

"I've missed you, too," she said.  "So much.  So much.

He parted her jumpsuit and eased it back over her shoulders There was
nothing of the physician left in his touch, except that as he caressed
her bare shoulders, she felt energy and strength flow into her.  His
energy.  His strength.  And something more, something as mysterious and
healing as Alden s magical cure.

She fell back against the pillows and let his touch, his warmth and
weight heal her.  She could not absorb sensation quickly enough.  She
wanted to savor and she wanted to fly.  Most of all, she wanted to
forget the fears still hovering at the edge of consciousness, to forget
so completely that there would be nothing left between them except
clothes they could easily shed.

"Have you missed me?"  he asked softly.  "Why didn't I know?  Why
didn't you tell me?"

He kissed her neck, and her eyes fell shut.  More tears gathered under
her lids, but they were tears of welcome.  He felt so right against
her; his hands felt so right on her shoulders, her arms.  When he
cupped one breast, that felt right, too, gloriously, perfectly right.

"What God has joined..."  She hadn't meant to say the words out loud.

"Let no man put asunder," he finished.

Her tears began to flow.  "No man did, Stefan.  We did."

"But it doesn't have to be that way.  Not anymore."  His lips found
hers again.  She tasted regret and hope.  She tasted a new beginning.
Fear faded, tears dried.  She had always believed in happy endings. She
and Stefan could try again.  They could bring a new maturity into their
marriage.  How could they not try when they shared this passion for
each other?

When he unzipped her jumpsuit completely, she shrugged it off
impatiently.  The buttons of his shirt gave way easily under her
experienced fingers.  Hungrily she smoothed her palms over his chest.
He was still so beautiful, had always been so beautiful.  Touching him
was both enticement and satisfaction.

He left her for a moment to finish undressing.  Only a few seconds'
absence, but she felt cheated, bereft.  Even seconds were too long now,
after all their months apart.

Under the sheet together, she explored him with her lips and hands.  As
if they had never been apart, she remembered exactly what he liked
best, where he liked to be kissed and where he liked to be touched.  He
remembered the same so perfectly that he seemed to know her desires
before they were clear to her.  She pressed herself against him,
wrapped her legs around his, circled him with her arms.  She wanted to
merge; she wanted to dissolve into him so completely that there would
never again be a moment when they were separated

"I love you, Stefan," she said fiercely.  "I never stopped loving you.
Never!  I never can."

He silenced her words, absorbed them with his lips, but he didn't speak
his own.  He turned her so she was on her back and slid into her so
easily that it was as if they had never been apart.

She gasped, and she knew for the first time just how alone, how empty,
she had been.  She arched to meet him when he withdrew, seeking his
warmth again, then again.  She dug her fingers into his back, fighting
release because it meant he would leave her.  She never wanted to be
separated from him again.  They had lost a year together.  She wanted
all of him now and forever.

He rose above her, and she gazed at him, expecting, praying, to see a
reflection of the same emotion she felt.

His eyes were shut.

A cold wave of fear washed over her.  Now, even now on the brink of
ecstasy, she didn't know what he was feeling.  After everything, after
a year of pain and loneliness, she still didn't know.  She wanted to
beg him to tell her, to show her, but her body betrayed her.  Her eyes
squeezed shut, too, and she felt herself falling through space.

And Stefan wasn't there to catch her.

He moved away from her almost immediately and lay beside her without
touching.  A long time passed before he spoke.  "Are you all right?"

Her answer caught in her throat.  "No."  "

" Did I hurt you?  "

"More than I can say."

He turned toward her.  Solicitous.  Concerned.  "What hurts?  Where?"

"A place you can't see.  A place you probably don't even believe in."

"What are you talking about?"

She touched her chest.  "My heart.  My soul."

He reached for her.  "Lindsey...."

"Don't!"  She sat up.  "I love you, Stefan.  I said it.  I showed you
in every way I knew how.  I thought maybe something had changed and you
could do the same.  But nothing's different, is it?"

"Nothing needs to be different."

"Maybe not for you."  "

" What is it you want?  "

"I want to know who you are.  I want to feel it inside me when we make
love.  I want you to give yourself!  "

"Just words, Lindsey?  You want me to tell you I love you?  I do.  I've
never loved another woman."

"Thank you for the impassioned speech."  She swung her feet over the
side of the bed.  If there was a response to her sarcasm she couldn't
see it.  She cut him from her vision as surely as he had cut her from
his heart.

"What you want isn't possible.  You're demanding the impossible."

"I see couples, old couples, sometimes.  Hand in hand.  They walk
slowly together, like each of them knows exactly where the other one
will step.  The woman stops to pick a flower, but before she does, the
man slows for her.  He knows what she's going to do even before she
does.  He's been there for her for so many years."  Her words caught on
a sob.  She felt his arms circle her, but she pushed him away.  "Maybe
what I want is impossible.  Maybe I'm crazy to think I deserve that
kind of devotion."

"You're ill.  You're vulnerable."

"And you're rationalizing.  Don't you see?  Nothing's changed!  Why did
we let ourselves in for this?  I don't need this kind of pain, and
neither do you: '

"Then stop causing it."

"I'd like you to leave."

She felt his weight leave the bed.  She didn't watch as he dressed. She
pulled on her jumpsuit, carefully avoiding him.

"I'll leave," he said.  "And we'll be right back where we were before I
came here tonight."

"We're already there.  We made a mistake.  Just go."

"I'll go.  You figure out how happy it makes you.  But don't make the
mistake of thinking it's what I want, too."

He stood in front of her, fully dressed.  She could no longer avoid
looking at him.  "If you know what you want," she said, "then you're
the only one who does."

"I want you.  I want our marriage."

" " You want a wife to live with and a family to come home to on those
rare occasions when you bother.  You don't want me.  You want somebody
who can express all the feelings you don't have.  You want somebody to
be warm when you can't be.  "

His eyes were not shut now.  They were filled with emotion And she was
no more sure of how to read it than she had ever been.  "Tell me if I'm
wrong," she begged.  "Show me somehow !  "

For a moment she thought he was going to reach out to her.  She was
ready, foolishly, to go back into his arms.  Then he turned abruptly
and left the room.

She reached the window more by feel than sight.  Nearly blinded by
tears, she stood there and listened as his car pulled away.  As the
sound of his engine faded, she knew what it felt like to die and still
live.

She rested her cheek against the glass and clutched her chest.  The
house was so still.  She couldn't bear the awful silence.  She imagined
she could hear her heartbeat, an erratic pounding that filled her head
until she was afraid it would explode.

She had to leave.  She stumbled to the dresser and pulled a comb
through her hair.  There was only one place to go, one person who might
understand.

Outside, moonlight illuminated the lane between her house and Alden's.
The evening was warm, but she shivered as a breeze played over her bare
arms.  Halfway there she wondered if she would make it.  Her feet were
leaden, and her head ached unbearably.  She had no tears left, but the
emptiness that had taken their place was worse.

When she had almost reached Alden's house she was suddenly unable to go
on.  She sank to a boulder beside the road and rested her head in her
hands.  She was growing increasingly dizzy, and she wondered if some
passerby would find her in the morning, as she had been found in May.
But there were no colored lights in the sky tonight, no feeling of
well-being, no unearthly music or perfect communion with strangers from
another world.  There was only the absence of communion with the person
she loved most and an emptiness that threatened to destroy her.

After a while she realized there were no night sounds, or at least she
couldn't hear them over the roaring in her ears.  There were no
crickets, no calls of nocturnal birds.  Even the forest was still, as
if all the tiny animals who lived there were waiting for something,
too.

She lifted her head, afraid to take another breath, afraid to disrupt
the moment.

And then the music began.  Clusters of notes, soft and inviting Notes
that could hardly be called notes.  Music that deserved to be called by
some word more magnificent.  The roaring in her head disappeared,
filled by the weaving of note with note, instrument with instrument.
She stood, and the dizziness subsided.  She started toward the music,
following the path to Alden's house.  At the edge of his yard she
paused and listened, awe struck.

Music seemed to swell the walls of the little cottage.  And light,
light in radiant colors whose names she didn't know, shone through its
windows.  She gazed at the gate on the fence around Alden's garden, and
the design was suddenly familiar.  She had seen it before, on another
night.  Seen it in a more intricate form, a design on the body of a
spacecraft.  She managed to raise her eyes to the night sky, but there
were only stars above her.

Slowly she lowered her eyes to the sounds and sights of the cottage.
Alden stood on the front porch bathed in colored light.  She knew it
was him, although she couldn't see his face.  She could only see the
outline of his form.  She wasn't afraid.  She was entranced.  " "
Lindsey.  "

I81

She heard his voice over the music.  Clearly.  She lifted her foot, but
she was already being drawn toward him.  She felt no fear.  She glided
over the space between them until she was in his arms.

Chapter 11

There were lights on in his attorney's cottage when Stefan returned the
Peugeot.  Frank Barnes-twice divorced himself -was a hardheaded,
workaholic success story.  Christened

Francis Barniak by immigrant parents who sold kielbasa and pierogies at
a market in Chicago, Frank had long ago distanced himself from his
ethnic heritage and the wide circle of relatives who wouldn't let him
forget his roots.  A judge had given him his new name, and the air
force had given him an education.  Out of the service and law school,
he had risen quickly to the top of one of Cleveland's finest firms.

Stefan didn't really like Frank; there wasn't much about the man that
was still there to like or dislike.  He was all business; he rarely did
anything that wasn't calculated to accelerate his climb up the social
or professional ladder.  When he had offered Stefan the use of his
island cottage, Stefan had realized it was because Frank wanted Stefan
to recommend him to other physicians at the hospital.  Since Stefan had
never had any qualms about recommending

Frank-there was no sharper attorney practicing law in the city-the
arrangement suited them both.

Now Stefan considered parking the Peugeot and heading straight for the
landing to catch the last ferry off the island.  He didn't want to talk
to Frank.  Especially not now.  He was raw from his encounter with
Lindsey, raw, confused and angry.  There was no reason to discuss her
with Frank.  He knew Frank's opinions of women.  He was rarely called
on to represent one.  Most women seeking a divorce recognized something
of the man they were leaving in Frank and sought counsel elsewhere.

Still, Stefan knew that Frank would have seen that the Peugeot was
gone.  No matter how he felt, he had to return the keys and pay his
respects.  Whatever Frank's motivation , volunteering his cottage for
Stefan's use had been helpful.

Frank was in the kitchen when Stefan entered.  He was a short man,
barrel-chested and balding.  His shirt and knee length shorts were such
resort wear perfection that Stefan expected to see price tags.  Like
Stefan, Frank had little use for leisure time.

"I see you're back."  Frank held up a beer in invitation.  qqCaught up
with Lindsey and the kids?  "

Stefan didn't know how to answer that honestly.  He doubted it would
ever be possible to catch up with Lindsey.  She was a shooting star,
blazing through his life to leave sparks and memories of glory before
she burned up in the earth's atmosphere.  Blazing through his life to
demand the impossible.

He reached for the beer reluctantly.  "Lindsey's ill.  I came to check
on her."

"She doesn't have a doctor of her own?"

"She didn't call me.  I heard from my son."

"She's not much trouble, is she?  Seems like I hear from one ex or the
other every week.  They need this, they need that.  Never seem to think
I give them enough child support or alimony."

"Do you?"

Frank laughed.  "Oh, I could live on what I give them.  But if they
worked, they'd have plenty more.  Neither of them wants to lift a
finger.  I guess I just married the wrong women."

"

" What would the right one have been like?  "

"

"Lindsey, maybe."

The thought of Lindsey with someone like Frank unnerved

Stefan.  "You hardly know her."

Frank lifted a half-full bottle of beer to his mouth.  He finished it
before he spoke.  "I get the impression that you hardly know her,
either."

"

" What does that mean?  "

Frank shrugged and held up the empty bottle.  "I've had too many of
these tonight."

"And I probably haven't had enough."

"Since I've had so many, I'll tell you.  Then we can both say it's just
the alcohol talking."

Stefan prepared with a long swallow.  "Go ahead."

" " There was a girl I knew when I was growing up.  Marinna Her parents
sold baked goods at the market where mine sold sausages.  She was a
pretty thing, blond, round and rosy, and eyes so blue..  well.  Her
parents spoke Polish at home, and she spoke it when she was with them.
Sometimes she wore clothes that her grandparents sent from the old
country, you know, the kind with the embroidery here, and here.  " His
hand swept from his neck to his knees.  " She always smelled like
cinnamon and vanilla, like something delicious right out of her
father's display cases.  She went to church for every feast day and
twice on Sunday, and she knew how to dance all the old dances and sing
the old songs: '

Despite himself, Stefan was interested.  "Go on."

"I loved her, but I was ashamed of her.  She was perfectly ,
effortlessly happy.  Do you know what I mean?"

Stefan shrugged, although he knew exactly what Frank meant.

"Living was what mattered to her.  Taking bread out of the oven and
cutting the first slice.  Laughing.  Praying.  Eating.  Kissing her was
like kissing sunshine and fresh air, all the good things in life.  But
I wanted more than good things.  I wanted everything."

"What happened to her?"

"She married someone else after I broke her heart.  A grocer.  She has
kids, a pack of them, of course.  Once I went to the old church on
Christmas Eve when I was back in Chicago and saw them with her.  They
were all blond, like her.  On the way out the door I saw one of the
boys take his father's hand: He paused.  " My kids take money.  That's
as close as they want to get.  "

"I gather you wish you'd married her: '

Frank turned his back to open the refrigerator for another beer.  He
seemed to search longer than necessary.  "I would have dragged her with
me, wherever I went.  She would have gone, too.  She wouldn't have been
as smart as your Lindsey.  She wouldn't have known when to let go.  She
would have kept trying and trying...."

"Trying?"

"To make me something I'm not.  See, I wasn't ever the person she
thought I was.  I wasn't good or kind.  I wanted to use that soft,
plump body, and I didn't want the woman living inside."

"Maybe you're kinder than you thought."  Stefan remembered the night he
and Lindsey had first made love.  In the restaurant garden she had
warned him about their differenoes , but he hadn't been as kind as
Frank.  He had taken what he wanted.

Frank shut the door and faced Stefan.  "Marinna would talk to me, and
it was like she was talking on another frequency , one my radio
couldn't pick up.  Your Lindsey talks on the same frequency."

"My Lindsey."  Stefan shook his head.

"But there's a difference between you and me.  I couldn't tune in
Marinna's station.  You don't want to tune in Lind " Aren't you
carrying the analogy a little far?  "

"Sorry.  Juries love that kind of thing."

"What makes you think I don't want to... tune in Lindsey 's station?"

"" I held your hand during the divorce.  Remember?  And I watched her
try to talk to you.  Over the years I've gotten good at listening to
people talk.  I can hear what they're really saying.  I have to, or I'd
lose every case I take on.  You didn't want to listen to her.  I don't
know why, but you didn't: " " I listened.  "

"No.  I don't buy that.  If you'd listened, you wouldn't have gotten a
divorce.  You loved her.  She loved you.  Now you're both using this
UFO thing as an excuse to be together"

"The UFO thing, as you put it, is more to Lindsey than an excuse to see
me."

"I'm not saying she invented it for that purpose.  But it has brought
you back together.  Maybe she was so lonely she transformed something
with a perfectly rational explanation into a UFO sighting.  Maybe she
got something from that experience that she never got from you " " "
Like?  " " "Communication?  Attention?  "

"Now you're a psychologist?"

"

" Any attorney who wants to go places has to be.  "

"If there was an alien culture trying to make contact with us, they'd
do it through somebody like Lindsey."

"Because she's a flake?"

"Because she's open to anything and everything.  Because she listens
more than she talks."

"Not like me, huh?"

Stefan had thought he didn't really like Frank.  Now he realized he was
changing his mind.  "Not exactly."  He finished his beer.  " " Are you
saying you think she really saw a UFO?  "

He didn't think so.  But he couldn't bring himself to say Lindsey was a
lunatic or a liar, not even to Frank, who dealt respectfully with both
on a day to day basis.  "Who better ?"

"Sorry, but I think you're the alien in her life.  The two of you are
from different planets.  And you don't speak the same language."

Stefan thought of the evening past, of perfect lovemaking that had
ended in ashes.  "I try."

Frank smiled.  It was that special smile men saved for each other, a
smile that said, "I've been there, too, buddy, and it ain't no fun: '

"Go ahead and get whatever it is off your chest," Stefan said.

Frank shrugged.  "Okay, I will, but you're not going to like it.  I'm
sorry, but I don't believe a word you've said.  I can't shake the
feeling that not only don't you speak Lindsey 's language, you don't
want to hear a translation."

The music was softer now, a melodious, bubbling waterfall of sound. The
lights were dimmer, nothing more than a pastel haze of color
illuminating Alden's living room.  Alden lifted his hands and swept
them gracefully from left to right.  The music grew softer still.

"Who are you?"  Lindsey asked.  She had stood in his arms on the porch,
and the interval had been timeless.  She didn't know if it was now the
same evening or a century hence.  They hadn't spoken.  She had been
bathed in the light and music and in his total acceptance.  Then he had
brought her inside.

"You know who I am: '

"I know you're not from this world."

"No."

l88 From a Distance

"And you were on the ship that I saw, the spaceship."

"Do you remember?"  "

" I think so.  But you weren't..  you didn't..

"Have a body?"  "

" No.  "

"I still don't.  Not as you know it.  Our race evolved beyond the need
for solid form and oxygen a hundred millennia -by your measure of
time-ago: '

"But I can feel you when you touch me."

"But I can't feel you, not exactly as you feel me.  I can see you,
because we still have that ability when we transform to this state."

"You seem human."  "

" To you, perhaps.  Not to your dog: '

"Kong?  That's why he's always so furious when he sees you?  "

"He can't sense me or smell me.  So when I pop into his line of vision,
he's enraged.  He knows he's been tricked.  These animals you keep on
this planet, they're much smarter than you humans give them credit
for."

"

" Can you taste?  "

"Ah, you sensed that problem all along, didn't you?"

She smiled at him.  She was sitting in a summer cottage with a being
from another world, and she felt as if she had known him forever.  "If
you visit earth again, don't come as a chef: '

"Lindsey."  He took her hand.  His was as warm as any human's.  The
expression in his eyes was warmer.  "How do you feel?  "

"I don't know.  Are you really a physician?"

" " A physician in my world means something very different than in
yours.  We have no bodies to heal, but even in our usual form, we can
be..  ill?  " He shook his head.  " I don't like that word.  Off
center? Outside the light?  You have no expression that comes close
enough. But yes, I am a physician I heal in a way that doesn't compare
to anything you know.  "

"Why are you here?  Why are you back on the island?"  She searched her
memory as he sat quietly beside her.  The night in May was becoming
clearer and clearer.  "You weren't supposed to be here at all, were
you?  Landing here was an accident.  There was some malfunction on your
craft... "

:,

"And I wasn't supposed to witness the landing.  No one was."

"qr tracking system malfunctioned, too.  There was no reading of human
life on this end of the island.  We wouldn't have landed here if they'd
functioned correctly."

"First you asked me to return with you.  Then, when I refused , you
asked my permission to help me forget everything

I'd learned while I was with you: '

"You were a wonderful surprise.  We've encountered others who breathe,
humans, as you call yourselves sometimes on purpose, sometimes
accidentally.  They were not reoeptive.  They were too frightened to
see that we wouldn't harm them.  Except the children.  Children always
understand."

"What happened to the others?"

"They forget.  Willingly and totally.  They wake up and think they've
had a strange dream, then they go on with q their lives.  You were
supposed to forget, too.  And you tried.

We know you did.  But your consciousness is too developed to be
overruled that way.  "

"Is that why you came back?  Because I failed to forq " Not exactly.
"

Somehow she knew he would reveal his purpose when she was ready to hear
it.  He seemed to be slowly leading her toward an answer.  "Is your
name really Alden?"

"No.  Our study of English turned up thousands of useful names.  Alden
comes from your old language.  It means : wise protector."  , " "
Protector?  "

"The name I was given at formation was-" He uttered a string of sounds
that she knew she could never hope to duplicate.  "Of course, it sounds
different when it's spoken without vocal cords, as it is at home.  But
you can see why I became Alden here."

"

" And Fitzpatrick?  "

He smiled.  "One of us saw it on a sign in front of a house.  That's a
curious concept, isn't it?  Selling a house.  We own nothing, so we
can't sell what we don't own.  I had to study hard to understand how to
rent this cottage."

"Why do your people come here at all?"

"We come periodically to see if you have need of us yet.  We have much
to offer, but only when you're ready to receive it.  " "Are we ready
now?  Is that why you came back to the island ?  "

"Not nearly.  First you have to learn to be at peace with each other.
You have to take care of your children and your old people.  You must
stop destroying the earth."

"I'm afraid you missed your chance.  You should have come in the
sixties."

"We'll have a chance.  But it seems that it's taking longer than it
should: '

"Many people would agree with that: '

"You among them."

"Yes."  She took a deep breath.  She could almost feel the colors and
the music in her lungs.  Everything else was drifting away, the pain in
her head, the agony in her heart.  For the first time since she had
awakened by the roadside and been taken to the hospital, she had not
the tiniest doubt about her sanity.  She only wished that she could
share this with Stefan, that he could be here beside her listening to
Alden.

"I should have recognized you," she said.

"In a way you did.  You were suspicious immediately, although you
didn't quite make the connection."

"Were you in our cottage before we got there?  Mandy told me someone
had been inside..."

"I had to learn everything I could about the way you lived.  Objects
communicate much to us.  They've been handled , imbued with something
of the persons touching them.  And I had to be familiar with human
things.  I understood most of what I saw, but the toys confused me."

"Toys?  Geoff's basketball?  He said it had lost all its air."

"With a little help, I'm afraid: '

"And it wasn't mice that attacked the stuffing in Mandy 's bunny?"

"Attacked would not be my word choice."

"I thought it was Mandy's imagination."

"She's very observant, remarkably so.  She would quickly learn
qerything we know if she was given the chance."

"And will she be?"

"I wish it could be so."

"But it can't?"

He shook his head.  "She'd have to come with us.  And it's against all
the principles we live by to take someone from their home unless we
must.  Mandy will be needed here.  This world needs her talents more
than we do.  She'll make great contributions, and so will Geoff."

"Geoff, too?"

"But you sensed that already."

"I've always suspected it."  There seemed to be too much to comprehend
all at once.  Restlessly she walked to the edge of the room, toward the
light.  It seemed to come from nowhere She couldn't detect its source.
"Alden, if you're not here to take anyone back with you or to stay and
help us, what does that leave?  "

"Place yourself back in time.  To the night we first met."

She let her mind drift.  There had been a moment of fear when she'd
seen the lights falling toward earth and heard the music.  But the
moment had quickly given way to excitement By the time she'd been drawn
toward the ship, she had

" " The name I was given at formation was" He uttered a string of
sounds that she knew she could never hope to duplicate.  " "Of course,
it sounds different when it's spoken without vocal cords, as it is at
home.  But you can see why I became Alden here."

"

" And Fitzpatrick?  "

He smiled.  "One of us saw it on a sign in front of a house.  That's a
curious concept, isn't it?  Selling a house.  We own nothing, so we
can't sell what we don't own.  I had to study hard to understand how to
rent this cottage."

"

" Why do your people come here at all?  "

"We come periodically to see if you have need of us yet.  We have much
to offer, but only when you're ready to receive it.  " "Are we ready
now?  Is that why you came back to the island ?  "

"Not nearly.  First you have to learn to be at peace with each other.
You have to take care of your children and your old people.  You must
stop destroying the earth."

"I'm afraid you missed your chance.  You should have come in the
sixties."

"We'll have a chance.  But it seems that it's taking longer than it
should " " " Many people would agree with that: '

"You among them."

"Yes."  She took a deep breath.  She could almost feel the colors and
the music in her lungs.  Everything else was drifting away, the pain in
her head, the agony in her heart.  For the first time since she had
awakened by the roadside and been taken to the hospital, she had not
the tiniest doubt about her sanity.  She only wished that she could
share this with Stefan, that he could be here beside her listening to
Alden.

"I should have recognized you," she said.

"In a way you did.  You were suspicious immediately, although you
didn't quite make the connection."

"Were you in our cottage before we got there?  Mandy told me someone
had been inside..."

"I had to learn everything I could about the way you lived.  Objects
communicate much to us.  They've been handled , imbued with something
of the persons touching them.  And I had to be familiar with human
things.  I understood most of what I saw, but the toys confused me."

"Toys?  Geoff's basketball?  He said it had lost all its air."

"With a little help, I'm afraid: '

"And it wasn't mice that attacked the stuffing in Mandy 's bunny?"

"Attacked would not be my word choice."

"I thought it was Mandy's imagination."

"She's very observant, remarkably so.  She would quickly learn
everything we know if she was given the chance."

"And will she be?"

"I wish it could be so."

"But it can't?"

He shook his head.  "She'd have to come with us.  And it's against all
the principles we live by to take someone from their home unless we
must.  Mandy will be needed here.  This world needs her talents more
than we do.  She'll make great contributions, and so will Geoff."

"

" Geoff, too?  "

"But you sensed that already."

"I've always suspected it."  There seemed to be too much to comprehend
all at once.  Restlessly she walked to the edge of the room, toward the
light.  It seemed to come from nowhere She couldn't detect its source.
"" Alden, if you're not here to take anyone back with you or to stay
and help us, what does that leave?  "

"Place yourself back in time.  To the night we first met."

She let her mind drift.  There had been a moment of fear qvtien she'd
seen the lights falling toward earth and heard the qusic.  But the
moment had quickly given way to excitet By the time she'd been drawn
toward the ship, she had been more than willing to go.  She had known
unequivocally that she wouldn't be hurt.

"I was welcomed," she said.  "I felt as if I knew you, all of you.  I
was examined..."  She paused and looked at him.

"You examined me."  "

" That's right.  "

"In the lIFO abduction stories I've read about since then , little
rat-faced aliens probe and poke and terrify the people they 've
kidnapped ."

He laughed.  "Rat-faced?  Different aliens, obviously."

"

" Are those stories true?  "

"There's life throughout the universe.  It's absolute arrogance to
believe otherwise.  And our race hasn't yet encountered all life
forms."

"You examined me to..  to see if I'd been hurt!"  She looked at him. "I
remember now.  You were concerned.  You hadn't expected to find life
here.  There were problems with your ship.  Some type of shield, a
screening device, wasn't fully operational.  There was some fear that I
might be affected , changed physically by our encounter."

Alden let the new memory ripen before he spoke.  "And part of the
reason you remember that now is because you were changed, Lindsey. Your
own mind and your own powers are strong, too strong to be fooled by our
suggestion that you forget what happened.  But you also evolved that
night, both from the things you witnessed and the physical realities of
coming in contact with our ship when the screens weren't working
properly."

"

" Evolved?  "

"Your body suffered a severe shock."

"The headaches?  Dizziness?"

He nodded.  "We were afraid you might not recover, particularly when we
saw that you remained unconscious for such a long time after we left
you.  You were supposed to wake up soon after we were no longer
visible, but you didn't.  So I was sent here to watch over you: '

"Wise protector."  Now she understood the meaning of his name.

"I hoped I could protect you: '

"You protected Geoff.  You saved him from drowning.  Mandy said you
flew through the water.  Did you?"

"In a manner of speaking."

"And the way you twisted him to get him breathing again?"

"That comes from the medical history of your own race.  I've read
everything your people have set down on paper through the ages.  Do you
know how much knowledge has been lost on this planet simply because
it's no longer fashionable ?  Every culture has pockets of great
wisdom.  Then, as people become more educated in traditional Western
medical opinion, they throw away what they know: '

"Why have you studied so extensively?  Do your people need help?"

"I've studied to help you: '

She couldn't be afraid with the pastel light pulsating amund her.  But
she was no less aware of frightening things, even if she didn't feel
fear.  "Do I need help?"  she asked.  "Are the headaches going to get
worse?"

"That will be the least of it."

"And the most?"

"qth."

"Soon?"

"Much too soon."  He moved to her side and took her hand.

She raised it to her cheek to comfort him.  "It's not your fault,
Alden."

"No one intentionally caused you harm "

"Have you learned anything in your study that will help me?"

"We can help."

Strangely, she hadn't been afraid or even sad when he'd q about her
death.  But now she was filled with relief.

She wouldn't be leaving the children to grow up without her.  And she
wouldn't be leaving Stefan.

She said his name out loud before she'd even planned to -speak. Despite
everything, she knew in that moment that she never wanted to leave
Stefan.  It was a revelation, a blinding flash of truth beyond wishing
he were different, beyond hoping he would change.  Beyond anger.

"He's a very good doctor," Alden said.  "Already one of the best in
this country.  Someday, he'll be one of the best in the world: '

"How do you know?"

"I can see what's in a mind."

"Can you?  That's not an altogether comforting thought: '

"But only if it's necessary.  We believe strongly in privacy"

"How can you help me?"

"First, tell me why you don't want to leave the children and Stefan."

She found the question strange.  "Don't you miss your loved ones when
you're away from them?"

"But I never am.  They are with me."

She could feel the truth in what he was saying, but the concept was
beyond conscious human thought.  "My family is with me, too, in a way.
Memories, feelings.  But that's not the same as having them where I can
touch them and see them ."

"I think perhaps we lost something important when we evolved beyond
touch."

"I think perhaps you did."

"You won't be able to touch them if I help you."

She contemplated that.  Now fear was beginning to seep through the
light, the music and Alden's enveloping warmth.  "What do you mean?"

"There is only so much I can understand from study.

Much of what we once knew about humanoid form has been erased from our
memories as useless.  I've never had experience , none of us has, with
healing a human body.  If the things that are not right in your body
were traditional human illnesses, we could cure you.  We could find a
record somewhere, a chapter, a sentence, that would help us understand
We could devise a treatment based on what we read.  "

"But what's happening isn't traditional?"

"There's a deterioration of cells, of nerve pathways, of your vascular
system.  It's like no recorded human disease.  You see, it's the first
step toward evolving beyond your body.  But because you aren't ready,
it will be deadly."

"Then how can you help?"

"We can make you ready for the evolution.  We can take you with us,
teach you what you have to learn, expose you to things you have to see.
Then you'll be ready, and the prooess won't be fatal.  You'll become
like one of us.  You will be one of us.  You'll live with us, work with
us-"

"But you said it was against all your principles to take someone from
their home!  "

"We caused this problem.  We are allowed, in this circumstance , to
take the necessary measures to cure the problem we created."

"But my children, Stefan-"

"Can't come.  Think a moment.  How fair would it be to take them away
from everything they know?  How fair would it be to take them from a
planet that needs them?  They're already part of history.  Stefan
will-" He stopped.  " " Will what?  "

"Will help your race evolve."

"Stefan will change history somehow?"

He only smiled.

"You won't tell me more?"

He shook his head.

"But I can't go without them!"

"Of course, we would never insist."

An idea struck her.  "Could I go, be cured and return?  You have a
body.  " Couldn't I transform again after I'm wred?  q.

196 From a Dcstance From a Distance 197

,

"Earth as you know it would no longer exist," he said "Love Haven t you
ever loved anyone or anything so gently.  " Your family would be long
dead, Lindsey.  Time much that you couldn't bear to be separated from
it?  would not stand still while you were away.  " Wouldn't you give
your life for someone or something?"  q "Are you sure I'm going to die?
You said yourself that " Certainly I'd give my life.  But only if there
was a puryou lack experience with humans.  Are you sure?  " pose. You
will give yours without one."

" " As sure as I can be.  If there was some way that I could "But I
don't want to live without my family.  If I really am absorb all the
experience, the human intuition, I have no going to die-and I'm not
convinced I am-whatever days access to, maybe I could tell you
absolutely.  But I can't do are left to me here can be spent with
them."  that.  I can only read and make a calculated guess.  Your "This
is something I can't understand."  husband-" " I don't want to evolve
to your level, then.  I think in this

"Stefan?  Could he help if he understood?"  we're the ones closer to-"
This time she made the sounds

"Perhaps.  But I'm not certain he could understand.  more coherently
There's a strong flow of-" He paused, then he uttered an"I think I'd
like to feel as strongly about it as you do."  other of the words, like
his name, made of sounds she didn't "No, you probably wouldn't: know
how to form.  " I'm sorry," he said in English.  She felt his hands on
her arms.  There wasn't anything " There's just no translation.  It's
the principle that guides us, provocative about his touch; there never
had been.  He that teaches us, that acquaints us with all we can't see.
Your q. seemed to melt into her in perfect accord with her thoughts
husband possesses a large measure of it, but he is terrified and
feelings.  She was simultaneously warmed by his presto use it: enoe and
frightened.  This was what she would have if she

"Love," she said.  chose to save her own life.  And how different it
was from " " As close as any word in your language.  " what she had
with Stefan.  This was love, too, love as Alden

Tears sprang to her eyes.  "Frightened?  Why?"  unqntood it.

"I don't know why.  Perhaps he's afraid of surprises or the It was not
the love she understood.  Not the love she unknown: qted.  She wanted
this perfect understanding with Ste " But he wants to know everything.
" fan, not Alden, but she wanted it locked together with the

"Everything he can see, and nothing he can't."  passion, the intensity
of emotion, she had always felt for

She stood and moved to the window.  "I can't leave him.  I can't leave
my children."

"I can't leave them," she choked out.

"You will leave them when you die."  "You have time to decide."

"You don't understand, do you?  I don't want to live " Howlong?  "
without them " I don't know exactly.  We'll be able to tell by your

"I don't understand," he admitted.  symptoms: '

"This principle that guides you, this-" She tried to ut"qn you'll stay
here with me?  You'll wait?"  ter the word as he had and failed.  "I'll
stay as long as I'm needed.  I can make you more " "Thank you for
trying," he said.  wrqmfortable, as I did today.  "

"Earth as you know it would no longer exist," he said gently.  "Your
family would be long dead, Lindsey.  Time would not stand still while
you were away."

"Are you sure I'm going to die?  You said yourself that you lack
experience with humans.  Are you sure?"

"As sure as I can be.  If there was some way that I could absorb all
the experience, the human intuition, I have no access to, maybe I could
tell you absolutely.  But I can't do that.  I can only read and make a
calculated guess.  Your husband-"

"Stefan?  Could he help if he understood?"

"Perhaps.  But I'm not certain he could understand.  There's a strong
flow of-" He paused, then he uttered another of the words, like his
name, made of sounds she didn't know how to form.  "I'm sorry," he said
in English.  " " There's just no translation.  It's the principle that
guides us, that teaches us, that acquaints us with all we can't see.
Your husband possesses a large measure of it, but he is terrified to
use it.  " " "Love," she said.

"As close as any word in your language."

Tears sprang to her eyes.  "Frightened?  Why?"

"I don't know why.  Perhaps he's afraid of surprises or the unknown:'

"But he wants to know everything."

"Everything he can see, and nothing he can't."

She stood and moved to the window.  "I can't leave him.  I can't leave
my children."

"You will leave them when you die."

"You don't understand, do you?  I don't want to live without them ."

"I don't understand," he admitted.  " " This principle that guides you,
this" She tried to utter the word as he had and failed.

"Thank you for trying," he said.

"Love!  Haven't you ever loved anyone or anything so much that you
couldn't bear to be separated from it.  Wouldn't you give your life for
someone or something?"

"Certainly I'd give my life.  But only if there was a purpose You will
give yours without one.  fail.  If I really am

"But I don't want to live without my Y

going to die-and I'm not convinced I am-whatever days are left to me
here can be spent with them : '

"This is something I can't understand: '

" " I don't want to evolve to your level, then.  I think in this we're
the ones closer to " 'qis time she made the sounds more coherently.

"I think I'd like to feel as strongly about it as you do: '

"No, you probably wouldn't: '

She felt his hands on her arms.  "There wasn't anything rovocative
about his touch; there never had been.  He eemed to melt into her in
perfect accord with her thoughts and feelings.  She was simultaneously
warmed by his presence and frightened.  This was what she would have if
she chose to save her own life.  And how different it was from what she
had with Stefan.  This was love, too, love as Alden understood it.

It was not the love she understood.  Not the love she wanted.  She
wanted this perfect understanding with Stefan , not Alden, but she
wanted it locked together with the passion, the intensity of emotion,
she had always felt for him.  " " I can't leave them " she choked out.
,

"You have time to decide."

"Howlong?"  , to tell by your

"I don't know exactly.  Well be able y P " s in toms.  q ith me? 
You'll wait " " Then you 11 stay here w

"I'll stay as long as I'm needed I can make you more comfortable, as I
did today."

She turned to him.  He put his arms around her and held her close.

His comfort was infinite.

She wished, with all her heart, that it was Stefan holding her.

Chapter 12

Stefan had chosen his apartment because it was only five minutes from
the hospital.  It was one of four in a solid, unpretentious stone
building owned by another physician.  Someday Stefan planned to buy a
house, but in the past year he hadn't even browsed through the
classifieds.  Home was still a Cape Cod style cottage with a
plant-adoroed front porch in Rocky River, and until that irrational
feeling disappeared , there was no point in house hunting.

After the divorce, Carol, the nurse-practitioner who worked at his
side, had chosen furniture at his request.  He had drummed up some
color preferences, and she had done the best she could.  But neither of
them had possessed much eqthusiasm for the task.  The only things of
interest inside qhe apartment walls were framed samples of Mandy's and
qboff's art work that Lindsey had given him for Christn a Saturday
morning two weeks after his last trip toys Island, Stefan stood sipping
his coffee in front of a on portrait of a bear that Mandy had drawn
when she there.  The apartment still smelled of last night's dinner He
had made his chicken paprikash for a friend, the ex wife of a
colleague.  Ellen had recently been cast aside for a younger, more
adoring patient of her husband's, and she was still hurting.  Stefan
had run into her by accident at the grocery store, and they had gone
for a drink together.  The drink had turned into two, then dinner
here.

And if either of them had wanted it to turn into more, neither of them
had been able to make it happen.

He had thought he wanted Ellen.  He had wanted someone to wipe away the
feel of Lindsey's body, someone to drown the fragrance of her skin,
cool the lingering warmth where she had lain against him.  But Ellen,
with her black curls and million-dollar smile, wasn't the woman,
because no one could be.  They had parted with unspoken regret, and he
hadn't gotten her phone number.

He stared at Mandy's bear and imagined it speaking to him.  Grow up, it
insisted.  Be a man if you can't be a bear.  Put the past behind you
and forge a future.

No advice on just how to do it was forthcoming.

In the operating room he was God.  He didn't believe in his own
omnipotence; that sort of arrogance could prove fatal to a surgeon's
career.  But when he performed surgery he held life and death in his
hands, and no one asked him how he was feeling.  What did feelings
matter, after all, compared to the slip of a hand or a lapse in
concentration?  What mattered was what he did, not what he felt.

Now it seemed all he could do was feel, waves of anonymous emotion
surging over the dikes that had always rer strained them.  Waves
washing away logic and concentration and the little peace of mind he'd
attained since the divorce.  There had been no peace since Lindsey had
sent him away once again, and no real hope of finding any.

He heard footsteps on the stairs and the laughter of children He told
himself that everything was going to be fine this morning.  Lindsey
probably didn't want to see him and wouldn't be accompanying Geoff and
Mandy to the door.  He had maintained a careful distance on the
telephone when he called to tell her he wanted the children for the
weekend.  She had volunteered to bring them herself, assuring him that
she had things to do in town anyway.  But there had been nothing
personal in their conversation.  He imagined that she had wanted to get
off the telephone as quickly as he did.

The front door buzzer sounded, and he abandoned Mandy's bear for the
child herself.  He lifted her and hugged her close, breathing in the
smell of floral shampoo and little girl.  With his free arm he reached
out for Geoff and saw Geoff's mother.  " " Hello, Stefan.  "

For a moment he didn't know what to say.  He nodded and turned his
attention to his son, but his throat was dry.  He listened to the
babble of both children, sorting, responding , praising.  He couldn't
seem to put Mandy down, and Geoff was hopelessly clamped to his side in
an embrace that was making him squirm.

Only when the children demanded to go inside and see what was new did
he detach himself.  Lindsey stood four feet away, watching him.

"I didn't expect to see you," he said.

"Why?  I told you I was bringing them."

"I know.  But I expected you to drop them off."

"qDid you?"  She was wearing pink, a dusky, feminine hue that at one
time might have highlighted the rose and cream of her complexion.  But
today she was pale.  Much too pale.

He stepped aside.  Politeness dictated his question.  "Would you like
to come in?"

"That would be nice."

He was as surprised as he had been when he saw her.  " " All right.
I've made coffee.  Would you like some?  " " "Yes, thanks."

As he followed her to the kitchen, he watched the way she moved.  She
drifted instead of danced.  There was sometqing about the way she held
her head that told him it ached.

In the kitchen she sat immediately, as if the short walk had tired her.
He poured her coffee and warned himself that he had no right to worry
about her.  " " Are you all right?  " He sat across from her at the
tiny wooden table.  His warnings had been nothing more than an
exercise.  He leaned toward her.  " Are you?  "

"I don't think so, Stefan."

He heard the children whooping from their bedroom.  He had bought them
each presents, and he knew they had found them.  In a moment they would
be in the kitchen to show their mother.

He started to cover her hand, then thought better of it.  "What is
it?"

"I think you'd better have a look at me."

Two weeks had passed.  Two, and his pride had stopped him from calling
and checking to see if she was feeling any better.  Now shame filled
him.  "Same symptoms?"  he asked.  " " Same, but worse.  "

"Have you seen a doctor?"

She smiled a little.  "Alden.  Have a good weekend with the children,
Stefan.  Don't worry about me.  I'll come to your office on Monday.
That will be soon enough.  But Geoff and Mandy need this time with you.
You've..  you've got to get to know them."

His hand danced restlessly along the table edge.  "Just what does Alden
say?"

"He says that I should see a specialist.  You, preferably."

He didn't have time to probe any deeper.  Geoff came in to show his
mother the wood carving tools Stefan had bought him.  Mandy was right
behind with a doctor's bag that made the instruments in Stefan's look
antique.

Mandy demanded orange juice; Geoff demanded milk.  Stefan was glad to
have something to do while they showed their mother their treasures. He
found glasses he had bought just for them, whimsical cartoon characters
he had seen one lonely afternoon when there hadn't been enough work to
keep him busy.

He turned away from the cabinet and saw Lindsey lift a scarf from the
floor.  It was silk, with black and hot pink geometric designs that had
suited Ellen's vibrant coloring.

He remembered her removing it with a laugh last night.  The scarf was
new.  She hadn't wanted to risk spilling one drop of the paprikash on
it.

He watched Lindsey examine the scarf, pull it idly through her fingers
as if she were learning about its owner from the feel of the silk.  She
lifted it to her face as if to investigate the scent of Ellen's
perfume.

Something surprisingly like shame filled him, although he had nothing
to be ashamed of.  He was divorced, and Lindsey had made it clear that
she didn't want him back.  Words leapt to his tongue to explain, but he
suppressed them.  An explanation would embarrass them both.

When he returned from the refrigerator, she had neatly folded the scarf
and placed it on the table against the wall.

She was preparing to leave before they were alone again.

He told himself he needed to know where she would be in case of an
emergency.  " " Are you going back to the island?  "

She shook her head.  "I want to spend the weekend at the house. There's
business I have to take care of, and I-" "what?"

"I don't know.  I just want to be there and make sure everything 's all
right."

Her explanation made him uneasy.  "Isn't Mrs.  Charles taking care of
things while you're away?"

"It probably sounds silly, but I just want to go home.  I want to sleep
in my own bed again."

"Did anything happen on the island?  "

"I saw lights in the sky and my life chan ed.  "

"You know I mean recently."  g

"If you can't believe that, what would you believe?"  She q;::qqd
gently and touched his cheek.

He was surprised.  Her fingers were electric.  Anger-at himself, at
her-followed swiftly.  He stepped away, and her hand fell to her
side.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"And I'm sorry you're ill.  But don't use it as an excuse to change
your mind about us again.  Maybe you think I don't have any feelings,
but I damned well do."

"

" You're angry.  "

"Did you expect something else?"

"It's a start, isn't it?"

"No.  It's a finish: '

"I didn't touch you to make you angry.  I touched you because I needed
to."

He felt her words inside him.  Funny that words could feel like both a
slap and a caress.

He pretended to ignore them.  "Shall I drop Geoff and Mandy at the
house on Sunday night?"

"Please.  Shall I come to your office on Monday?  Or shall I find
another doctor?"

"Come.  I'll set you up for a complete exam."

"There's so very little we know.  We think we understand everything.
And we understand nothing."  She turned away.

"Come early.  Plan to spend the night in the hospital.  I'll make the
arrangements today.  The children can stay with my mother "

She didn't argue.  She just drifted toward the stairs and left him
filled with emotions that were larger than he was.

The house in Rocky River was dust-free, and the plants freshly watered.
Lindsey walked through it, smoothing her fingertips along mantels and
walls.  She held a pillow Mandy 's first needlepoint-against her cheek;
she caressed the fading sea serpent that Geoff had fashioned of papier
mache

The house and all its memories were so dear.  She gazed into corners
and saw Mandy's first steps and Geoff's tears over a broken toy.  She
could smell the pine and peppermint fragrances of Christmas, the
cardamon-flavored Easter bread that was Hilda's specialty, the first
roses of summer.  She could feel the warmth of childish arms around her
neck and hear the melody of laughter.

And she could sense Stefan's presence.  The year he had been away had
done nothing to diminish his place here.  The sofa, his special place
on the left, still held the imprint of his body.  She had resisted
reupholstering it when she had redone the rest of the room; now she
understood why.

There, beside the front door, was the table where he always threw his
gloves and hat in the winter.  And behind her were the stairs he had
once carried her up in an uncharacteristic fit of Rhett Butler
impatience.  'two weeks had passed since she'd been sentenced to death.
'two weeks of the rest of whatever life was left to her.  It had taken
her those two weeks to come to terms with Alden 's news.  She had
needed more time-anyone would have-but time spent adjusting was time
she couldn't spend with the people she loved.  That time was so short
now that she couldn't let it be any shorter.  How had she believed for
all those years that her life would be unending?  How could she have
deluded herself into believing that she wanted to spend any of it away
from the man she loved?  Or let someIhiqsg as nebulous as pride and
self-pity steal any of the days granted to them?

In the kitchen she picked up the shell Stefan had found for qer that
long-ago night in Key West.  It had maintained a place of honor on the
windowsill by the sink since the day they had moved into this house.
After Stefan moved out she had not parted with any memories.  She had
consciously held aaq; to pieoes of him.  Despite the lies she had told
herself, she Ibq hoped he would change.  But now she knew that changing
Stefan was not only beqOnd her power, it was unthinkable to try.  He
was not a qieOe of clay to mold.  He was nothing more nor less than the
iqiien she had married, a man with faults and a man with strengths. Why
and when had the first become so important that she had failed to
appreciate the last?

She held the shell to her chest.  For a moment the light in The room
seemed to swirl in shades of purple.  She swayed and reached out to
steady herself against the counter.  The shell fell and shattered at
her feet.

"Stefan!"

He was no longer there to hear her cry.  She had asked him to leave
their house and leave her life.  But she had never wanted him to go.

Who, of the two of them, had failed to reveal true feelings ?

Lindsey had furnished Stefan's offioes herself.  They were tucked
inside the hospital building, at the end of a seemingly endless
corridor.  But the view from his windows made up for the inconvenient
location.  Instead of a parking lot, his wing looked over the park like
grounds and a small pond where young patients and their families
sometimes fed the ducks.

She had taken her color scheme from the newest residents of the pond.
The walls were a warm ivory, the curtains a deeper yellow.  Audubon
prints decorated one wall, and on the other, at a lower eye level, were
framed illustrations of the classic children's book, Make Way for
Ducklings

Today she found little comforting about the room.  Even the matched set
of decoys perched on the reoeption counter seemed merely lifeless.  She
wanted to be outside feeding the real things, stroking their feathers.
She did not want to be here.

Carol had come to greet her, and Stefan's receptionist had been more
than cordial, but she still felt ill at ease.  It wasn't like Stefan to
make anyone wait.  No matter his own stature , he treated others as if
they were just as important.  But she was waiting.  Her watch told her
she'd only been there twenty-five minutes, but she felt as if it had
been hours.

For the first time since she'd left his apartment on Saturday she
allowed herself to think about the scarf she had found on the floor.
Who was the woman it belonged to, and what was she to Stefan?  She knew
it couldn't be a long-term relationship; he had told her there had been
no one since the divorce, and she had no reason not to believe him. But
that was before she had thrust him out of her life and bed once more. 
Had he finally conquered the feeling that they were still married?  Was
another woman now the solution to the empty space in his life?

He deserved to have that space filled.  Sometime in the near future
there was going to be a permanent space that she herself could never
fill again.  She was going to die, and he was going to live.  When she
was gone he deserved more than lonely days of longing for the
impossible.  He deserved warmth and love.  She wanted that for him.

But not while she was still alive to witness it.

The door opened, and Stefan entered from the hallway.  No one had told
her he hadn't been in the office.  Relief was only one of the emotions
that ran through her at the sight of him.  His gaze swept the room
until he found her.  He smiled at the other patients and exchanged a
few words with an old man in the corner; then he gestured for her to
follow him.

He took her straight to his private office and closed the qaqor He had
dropped the children at the house last night vrithout getting out of
the car; now she searched his face for some clue to his feelings.
q'Carol's going to do a routine physical," he said.  " If she qiqtds
anything worth noting immediately, she'll call me.  Otherwise, she'll
take you over to the hospital and help you settle in.  You have a
private room on the second floor.  I've already given my mother your
telephone number, so the qen can call you when you're not having tests.
I know 'll be worried about them.  "

She thought of all the years of their lives when the chilwouldn 't be
able to call her.  "I'm sure they'll be fine.  need to know their
grandmother better."

"Do you have any questions?"

"Do you hate me?"

He stared at her.  "How can you even ask?"

"I've been wrong about so many things: '

"This isn't the time or place for confessions."

"There was never a time or a place like that, was there?  There should
have been."

"

" More criticism?  "

"No."  She leaned forward.  For a moment shifting her balance made her
dizzy.  She hesitated, trying to regain her equilibrium.

Stefan sat back.  "Look, Lindsey, all I want to think about now is
finding out what your problem might be, if you have one.  Let's not
confuse that with anything else.  Doctor to patient while you're here.
This will be easier for both of us that way."

She couldn't fault his logic, but she didn't risk a nod.  "

" I'm sorry.  "

Something passed over his face, something unfamiliar.  "Don't
apologize."

"That's not allowed either?  This might take some getting used to."

"Why?  You should be used to not communicating.  That's why you said
you left me."

She stared at him, effectively cut off from an answer.  " " Will you
talk to me when we're done here?  " she asked at last.  " Please,
Stefan?  I need to talk to you: '

His fingers danced along the desktop, but he controlled his expression.
"Let's worry about later, later."

"Later..."  The word had new meaning for her.  "Later is a luxury." She
stood slowly as Stefan reached toward his intercom.

"Carol will explain all the tests to you after your exam.  Some of them
might not seem necessary to you, but-"

"It's all right.  I want a complete workup."

His hand paused over the buttons.  "No arguments?"

"None."

"

" Well, good.  "

She steadied herself on the edge of his desk.  "When will I see you?
"

"This afternoon, probably.  If not, this evening."

"For once I'm glad you work too hard."

He summoned Carol.  She watched as they compared notes; then she
followed the older woman out of his office.  At the door she turned for
one more look.

"I don't want you to worry," he said.

She smiled sadly.  In the summer sunshine outside his window ducks swam
on a sky blue pond.  She memorized his casual elegance, the way the
ducks glided effortlessly through the water, the excited shouts of a
child.

"Thank you," she said.  "I know I'm in good hands: '

Chapter 13

A herd of residents on their daily rounds thundered by the nurses'
station, white coats and pants, ID cards glistening in the artificial
glare, stethoscopes dangling around necks thrust forward in
anticipation.  Stefan barely saw them pass.

"I defer to you, George.  You've seen Lindsey's chart.  Now you've seen
all the test results.  What have I missed?  What the hell have I missed
!  "

"Let's find some other place to talk about this."  "

" Name it.  "

George LeGrande looked at his watch.  "Coffee room."

Stefan followed him to the elevator.  Those already on board stepped
respectfully to one side as they entered.  There was an unspoken
hierarchy here, as there was at many hospitals , and Stefan and George
were well at the top.

Both men wore light blue scrubs, but the resemblance stopped there.
George was in his late fifties, an extroverted, attractive widower who
wasn't a surgeon, although he often observed surgery when the patient
was his own referral.  He was the chief of neurology, and it was George
himself who had flown to New York, where Stefan had done his residency,
to convince him to join the staff at the Cleveland Neurological
Hospital.

Outside the elevator, George stopped to give instructions to a passing
nurse while Stefan went ahead.  The coffee room was the size of a
suburban basement and even less appealing During the hospital's last
cosmetic overhaul, the coffee room had been overlooked or abandoned as
hopeless.  Woro carpet, battered tables and a coffee machine that
dispensed milk and sugar at random were the major attractions One
Christmas a wistful resident had installed a Norfolk Island Pine under
the lone window, but no one had ever thought to remove it, even after
its demise.  Now, occasionally , someone decorated its needle less
branches according to the holiday.  At the moment it was still dressed
in plastic Easter eggs.

Stefan took a table in the corner, sweeping disposable cups into the
nearest trash can.  He returned with coffee and gestured to George to
join him when he arrived.

"First, you've got to calm down," George said.  "Whatever we're
missing, we're going to keep on missing it unless you get hold of
yourself."

Stefan stared at his coffee.  "I'm not missing anything because I'm
upset."

"You, of all people, should know how little good it does Iquerate
yourself."

"Me, of all people?"

"You're the soul of rational thinking."

Stefan laughed, and the sound was as bitter as the coffee.  "All that
rational thinking isn't getting me anywhere.  I still don't have a clue
what Lindsey's problem is."

"You're a step farther than you were a week ago.  You're wre she has a
problem."  q qd' if I take each step one week at a time and she con to
deteriorate at the same speed, she'll be dead beI 've gotten halfway
across the room.  " =..  qqI qn qd copies of her records to a couple of
people I out of state."

"I faxed two friends yesterday.  Both called back with a list of
disorders I'd already ruled out.  I went back to the records.  I
ordered some more tests.  Lindsey was reluctant to come back in, but I
insisted.  We did an MRI, another lumbar" He picked up his coffee.

"And nothing panned out."  "

" No.  "

"She's still here?"

"She's checking out again late this afternoon.  I have to talk to her
before she goes."

"You've looked at the possibility of parasites?  Vitamin deficiencies?
Toxic chemicals?"

" " You know I have.  Neither the X rays nor the blood work points
toward any of them.  " Stefan looked up at George.  " There's a doctor
summering out on the island, a man named Alden Fitzpatrick.  He was the
first one to check her over.  He called it a deterioration.  I berated
him.  And you know what?  We've got hundreds of scientific diagnoses,
Latin names, syndromes named after researchers and physicians , and not
one description comes as close as that: '

"A very swift deterioration."

"Damn it, yes!"

George put his hand on Stefan's arm.  "There's a possibility it's a
rare type of multiple sclerosis or some kissing cousin, something we
just haven't seen before.  You could treat it accordingly.  Steroids.
Hyperbaric oxygen, if you're desperate enough.  There's a physician
over at the Clinic who's testing a new drug: '

"I don't want to use Lindsey as a guinea pig."

"Has she had any more visions?  Any additional hallucinations ?  "

"If she has, she refuses to discuss them."

"I'll confess that the story about the UFO baffles me more than
anything else.  Hallucinations and delusions don't fit with the rest of
the profile.  What we could be seeing is a coincidental onslaught of
several different conditions."

"I'd be happy just to isolate one.  Just one for a start!"  .

q From a Distance

George sat back.  "You need to take yourself off this case."

Stefan drank half his coffee and didn't taste a swallow.

Georgecontinued when Stefan didn't answer.  "You have your pick of
people to take over for you.  She doesn't need a surgeon."

"qAre you saying I'm not doing enough?  That I'm not good enough?  "
q'You know that's not my point.  You're too close to this.  You care
too much.  "

"No one else will care enough."  qqNo one in practice here would do any
less for her than you can.  It's an insult to your colleagues to
suggest otherwise"

"I'll consult with anybody who has a suggestion to make.  But I stay as
the physician of record."

Stefan took a breath and let it out slowly.  As slowly and carefully as
he might during the most crucial moments of an operation.  "Because
someone else might go an extra mile, but I'll run to the ends of the
universe to find an answer."

"You may have to," George said.  "Because if there's an answer on God's
green earth, at this point I, for one, don't qnow what it is: '

Lindsey dressed in her street clothes.  Stefan had made ne she had a
room overlooking the pond, and when she qd finished pulling on her
shoes she went to stand at the ndow.  She didn't turn when the door
opened.  She knew qo was there.  One of the benefits of her illness was
a req 'kably heightened awareness of what went on around iq She
supposed it was preparation for that glorious mo when her body
disintegrated completely and left her Only her misinformed body didn't
realize that inq of emerging as pure consciousness, similar to Alden,
simply going to die.

"I'm watching the ducks, Stefan."  She turned and smiled motioning for
him to join her.

"There're more than usual this year."

She was pleased he had noticed.  "You'll have to bring Mandy and Geoff
to feed them when..."  She stopped.  She hadn't discussed the future
with him.  Submitting to the endless, sometimes painful tests, had been
her way of announcing her impending death in terms he would understand
He would never have believed her if she had just told him she was
dying.  He had always been a man who needed proof.

Of course, there had also been a fragment of hope that he could do what
Alden could not and find a cure, even without an understanding of the
origin of the disease.  From the look on his face, she knew that had
been foolish.

"When they visit me here?"  he finished for her.  "I'll be taking care
of them more frequently while you're ill, to give you time to
recover."

"No!"  She turned back to the window.  "Not that I don't want you to
have them.  Don't misunderstand.  But..."  She tried to think of an
explanation that didn't have some form of the word death in it.

"But what?"

"I need them with me now."

"

" How can you care for them?  You can hardly stand up on your own.  "

"I'll be better," she lied.  "I'm just weak from all the tests."

"I'm sorry I've had to put you through so many."

"I'm glad you did.  You'd hate yourself if you hadn't been thorough
enough."  " " I'm not planning to hate myself.  " " " I hope not."

"Why don't you sit down, and we'll talk for a minute."  q

She knew what he was going to say before he said it.  S could hear
tension in his voice, even though he was tryin -.

hard to sound casual.  She wanted to spare him.  "Stefan, I know
already."

"

" Know what?  "

She could feel him come to attention beside her.  She faced him.  "That
I don't have long to live," she said, still avoiding the word death.

"What makes you say that?"

"A body that's giving up on me."

"Sit down, please."

"If it makes you more comfortable."  She crossed the room and perched
on the edge of the bed.

He sat beside her.  "The tests are inconclusive."

"Which is just a way of saying that you don't know exactly what's
wrong, but what you know doesn't please you: '

"I'm not pleased," he admitted.  "You're sick and getting sicker "

She took his hand, even though she had to lean forward to do so.  "I
know.  It's all right: '

"It's not all right."  He jerked his hand from hers and stood.

She watched him pace the room, a lion caged and helpIess'I can cope,"
she said.  " Can you?  "

"Cope?"  He paused, and his brows were a solid, angry one.  "You damn
well had better not cope.  I won't have you qing.  it's the same as
giving up.  You're going to fight.  We're going to fight until we
figure this out and come up q a qaqent."  "You've lost patients,
Stefan.  "

it's not going to be any different this time just because Iwe me.  You
can't stop the inevitable.  " ic stared at her.  lknow you love me,"
she said.  "I was a fool not to beqit , a fool to need proof, or more
proof than you wanted eve aqe.  But I'm not a fool now.  I don't have
time to be q: I have to be practical.  I'm not going to waste my qon
denials or bargaining for time.  I don't want you wasting time on them,
either.  You can't cure me, but you can make me very, very happy while
I'm still alive."

His voice got quieter.  "I damn well will cure you."

"Did you hear me?"  she asked gently.  "There were more important
things I said."

He stood perfectly still.  "Why now, Lindsey?  Why talk about this now?
You're not dying.  I'm not going to let you.  So don't say things
you'll regret when the headaches are gone and your blood work is back
to normal."

"Should I regret the truth?  Let me expand on it, then, so I'll have
more to regret.  You love me, and I love you.  I never stopped, and I
never will.  You are my soul, the space between my heartbeats, the air
I breathe.  I can no more change that than I can change what's
happening inside me.  I tried, and I failed, and I'm glad I did,
because loving you was the best thing I've ever done."

"

" Stop this.  "

"I don't mean to frighten you: She stood and started toward him.  The
room spun crazily.  She stopped and tried to regain her balance, but he
was beside her before she could.

He slipped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest.

"The space between my heartbeats," she whispered.

"Lind... sey."

She had never heard such agony in one word.  She shut her eyes and
willed herself not to cry.

She demanded to go back to the island.  He demanded to go with her and
refused to let the children return until the next day, after she'd had
a chance to recover a little strength.

On the trip back they sat on an outside bench on the ferry.  Lindsey
let the wind whip her hair against her cheeks.  In the early evening
air, with the ferry rocking madly beneath her; she felt very much
alive.

Stefan was finishing a story.  She guessed he was afraid to let the
silence build, afraid of his own thoughts.

"So Mother went into her bathroom last night and found Geoff carving
soap with a nail file.  She says the sculpture looks just like you."

"Me?  How lovely."

"An Ivory soap rendition.  She cleaned up all the scraps"

Lindsey laughed.  "And saved them, I'm sure, for her hand laundry." She
ended the laugh on a shiver, and he put his arm around her to warm her.
 " " Are you all right?  "

"I'm fine.  It's just the wind."  She snuggled closer.

"Well, the upshot of the story is that after she cleaned up and
lectured him on his sloppiness, she gave in to temptation and tried it
herself."

"Hilda?  Our Hilda?"

"" She says her version looked like meat loaf.  I think she has a new
respect for Geoff's talents: '

"Does she mind taking care of them so much, do you

"No.  In fact, I think they give her a much-needed break.  If she isn't
with them, she's working.  They remind her that there's more to living
than her books."

"I never wanted to impose on her."

"

" You never did : - "They'll need her more and more."

His arm tightened around her.  "There's no point in thinking what
you're thinking.  There is an entire array of qinesses with some of the
same symptoms you have that just qappear one day and leave patients
with nothing more than qt little recovery time."  = :'.  "q'iindsey
pretended he hadn't spoken.  " And the children need you: She put her
head on his shoulder and sighed gathered her closer.  "I'm so glad
you've made such a start with them this summer.  They talk about you
all 'time now, you know."  y y' , q:;That s funn.  When the re with me
they talk about

"The divorce was hard on them."  She felt him tense, " " Had you
expected otherwise?  "

"I'm not sure I knew what to ex ect.  I'm not sure ano_ne ever does." p
y

"It wasn't a boxing match.  In a divorce, nobody calls for a clean
break, counts oints and declares a winner."

"Nobody won.  Least of all the children."

"Every morning after I moved out I'd lie in bed and tell myself I
wasn't awake yet, that I was imagining the whole thing.  It didn't seem
possible.  One minute we were married ."

She closed her eyes.  "

" You never told me that.  "

"

Was I su "

" , , PPoq to beg.

No.

"What did you want, then?  "

"You were right the last time we talked about this.  I wanted to know
you loved me."

"And you thought I could open myself u to wa w y y q P you that y,
qqhen you were telling me you didn't want me anymore

"It was a terrible mistake.  A selfish mistake.  A des rate mistake.  "
Pc "asPerate?"

"I needed you.  I didn't know what else to do."

He didn't answer, but he didn't move away.  She kc t her a eyes closed;
watching the water made her headache worse q , and without sight, she
could almost imagine herself as one q with the man who held her.

When they reached the island she stood reluctantly.  Holding tightly to
Stefan's hand to steady herself, she navigated the steps to the lower
deck where the van was parked and waited wordlessly while Stefan
searched his pockets for the keys to her van.

At the coqtage he busied himself opening windows.  "Are you hungry.

She hadn't been hungry in weeks.  She supposed her body was no longer
aware that it needed nourishment.  " " There's some more soup in the
cupboard.  "

"You need more than canned soup.  He went into the

" kitchen and examined the contents of the refrigerator and cupboards.
She sat down at the table to watch.  " Pasta and steamed vegetables in
cheese sauce," he said when the tour was completed.  " Whole wheat
rolls and fresh sliced tomatoes"

"You'd do all that for me?  "

"I'd do anything for you."  He didn't turn from the cupboard when he
said the words and his voice didn't change.

"Then would you take me upstairs and make love to me first?"

He stood very still.  Oddly, she thought she could see colon in the
room.  It was nearly sunset, and the room seemed to be filled with
them.  The space surrounding her was violet and rose, undulating waves
almost like the light in AIqn s house.  The space around Stefan was
darker, denser, a midnight blue, the gray of ashes.

She tasted ashes.

"I made love to you not too long ago," he said at last.  "And you sent
me awa.  "

"I won't send you away again.  Not ever.  I couldn't."

q "Because you think you're dying.

Because I am alive.  Because somehow in the last years qve let fear
take the place of what I've always known .  " She q, and the colors
swirled. " "I don't know when it started, tnd I don't know why,
exactly.  I stopped believing what my l4qrt told me and started
believing your silences and your ces.  But I know nowqthat I was wrong
not to trust q lf and not to trust you.  q No.  I was the one who was
wrong."

"colors swirled, lapping at edgesq violet to midnight

How were you wrong, too?  " she asked.

He looked away from her.  He could not bear to watch her face.  "I
should have found a way to tell you."  He cleared his throat.  "I
should have known I had to."

"

" To tell me?  "

"What you meant to me."

"Can you tell me now?  I'd like to hear it."

"You mean too much."  He faced her again.  "You talk about fear.  Do
you know what it's like to need someone so much that the first thing
you feel every morning is terror?"

"Stefan: She put her hand on the chair to steady herself "

" Terror?  "

"I ran from you because I was terrified!  It wasn't rational , it
wasn't logical, to need someone that way.  I told myself that it was
better to keep my distance."

She stared at him.  "But why?"

"Because I was afraid what I felt would overpower you!  I was afraid
you'd overpower me."  He clenched his fists.  "I don't know how to
explain it.  I felt caught in something I couldn't control.  My
feelings were controlling me."

"And so you stayed away?"

"I love my career, too.  You don't know what it's like, Lindsey,
because I've never been able to tell you.  But I can change people's
lives.  I can make their world a better place, give them a chance
they'd never have without me.  But I can't do it if I'm not fully there
for them.  And sometimes I wouldn't be.  I'd be scrubbing for surgery,
and I'd be reviewing the operation in my mind, and then you'd be there
suddenly.  I'd think of something you'd said, or something you'd worn.
I'd feel your smile, and I'd forget where I was for a moment."

"Just like any other human being."

"I can't be like any other human being when people are depending on me.
I can't be!"

"But you are."  She stepped toward him, the colors pooling together
until there was a rainbow.  She held out her arms.  "You don't have to
be more than you are, my love.  , , But you can't be less, either.  Oh,
Stefan, you can't be less.  ;

All you have to be is a man, a man with feelings he doesn't have to
fight.  "

He reached for her, jerking her against him impatiently, and the colors
surrounded them.  He buried his face in her hair, and his fingers moved
convulsively over her back.  "qWhen you asked me to leave, I was
destroyed, but at least I thought I'd finally be free of the terror.
And then..."  His voice broke.  "Then I found out what terror really
was."

"We don't have to be afraid again.  Neither of us.  Not ever.  Not
ever: She held on to him so tightly she was afraid she was hurting
him.

"Lind... sey: '

She heard his torment.  Clearly.  "

" I love you !  "

"I didn't know what to do when I thought you'd stopped loving me."

"I never stopped.  I never will.  No matter what separates

"Nothing's going to separate us again!  "

"Love me now: '

He swung her into his arms.  She was lighter than she had ever been. He
felt as if he were holding air.  He held her q'tighter, afraid she
would slip away from him.  q Upstairs, he couldn't seem to let her go.
He sank to the still holding her tight.  She kissed his cheeks, his
fore his lips.  Everything about him was so familiar, so un ably
precious.  She wanted to drink in all of him, to rb the essence of the
man with all her senses.  She he'd his face, and his warmth radiated
through her fin .  She heard his soft moan somewhere in the region of q
lay back, and she stretched out over him.  Tears glazed is ion "How
could I ever have asked you to leave me?"  rhispered.  qqtangled his
fingers in her hair.  "It doesn't matter mber this, then.  Not anything
else.  If I... have to Remember this."  She kissed him again,
smothering his protest, until he turned her to lie against the bed.  He
half covered her so she couldn't move away.

"You won't leave me," he promised.  "I won't let you.  Do you hear me?
I'm not going to let you leave me!  "

She pulled his face to hers and framed it with her hands.  His eyes
were wide open, and every feeling there was hers to name.  She
swallowed her own despair and opened herself to him.  "I'll always be
with you."

When he kissed her again there were no barriers between them.  The
colors of sunset flooded this room, too.  As Stefan united them,
Lindsey watched the dying day wrap them in its final light.

She was not alone, and she was not afraid.  The tears she cried were
tears of joy.  Chapter 14

Stefan watched the sunrise alone.  He left Lindsey in bed sleeping,
even though leaving her at all was difficult.  But he was restless, and
she needed whatever replenishment she auld get.  He didn't want to wake
her with his tossing and qrning.  He didn't want his fears to enter her
dreams.

He buttoned his shirt as he descended the stairs.  Outside Iqe morning
was cool, still fogged with mist from the lake.  q grass tickled his
bare ankles as he crossed the field bethe shore.  He remembered
criticizing Lindsey's choice she had shown him the cottage for the
first time.  He 't liked the idea of owning property on the island,
but

Lindsey was determined to, he had wanted something y on the waterfront,
because the resale value would be q had insisted that good things were
worth working for, qhe didn't think she could bear the overpowering
view the lake every time she looked out the window.  She qd to
anticipate the vast blue sweep, the colorful sails st the horizon.  She
wanted the discipline of leaving whatever it was she was doing and
walking to the water for her own moments of meditation.

For the first time he understood what she had meant.

He crossed the silent road and stood at the water's edge.  The sun
would rise behind him, so the complete majesty of it belonged to the
people on the east side of the island.  But watching the sky lighten,
watching the wave tips glisten with the sun's first rays, was a
pleasure, too.

He stood with his hands in his pockets and drew in breath after breath
of fresh air.  He felt cleansed inside and out.  He had been hollowed
out and filled with something new and powerful, as if a sparkling, pure
river ran through him now.  But dancing along the riverbanks was a
different terror, one he understood better than he ever understood his
terrible fear of intimacy.

Lindsey was ill, so ill that she was convinced she wasn't going to
survive.  So ill that he wasn't convinced she was , either.  She wasn't
going to die immediately.  She wasn't even sick enough to need
hospitalization.  Not today.  Not tomorrow But after that?

He shuddered, though the air was warming.  Medicine was mathematics.
This symptom combined with this symptom combined with this test result
yielded this disease.  1'his X ray combined with this examination
yielded this growth, this condition.  Lindsey's symptoms were numerous;
Lindsey'stest results were baffling; Lindsey's examination showed a
body..  deteriorating.

He hadn't told her that she would need to go back to the hospital on
Monday.  She was scheduled for more tests anqq for examinations by two
more physicians in addition to George, who wanted a chance to look
closely at her.  They' had to find an answer, and even if that wasn't
possible, theyq'q had to begin treatment of her symptoms.

And while she lay in bed submitting to the personal invasion of more
tests, more exams, he would be in the hospital library poring over
volume after volume.  He had tw interns researching for him now.
Somewhere, someone e had to have noted a case like Lindsey's.  And he
was going to find the answer.

"Stefan?"

He turneri.  He hadn't heard her footsteps.  She walked on air.  He
held out his arms, and she went into them as naturally as she had in
their first blindingly happy days together

"You should be sleeping," he admonished her.

"Sleeping seems like a waste of time.  I wanted to see the lake.  I
wanted to see you."

"Did the walk tire you: '

She held him tighter.  "

" It doesn't matter.  "

"It matters to me."

"I love you: She turned her face to his.

"I love you: He kissed her tenderly.

"Do you want to hear a silly idea?"

"Yes."

"Breakfast right here."

"That's not silly at all."

"We could spread a blanket.  I'll make coffee.  You found mils in the
freezer last night, didn't you?  They'd only take Ii few minutes to
defrost in the oven."  q "I'll do it.  You stay here."  q;:.  : She
started to protest, then fell silent.  The cottage suddenly 'qqemed a
hundred miles away.  The trip to the lake had been easy.  Her legs no
longer seemed inclined to do what brain ordered.  "Maybe that would be
best."  Sit on the breakwater.  I'll be back.  " watched him cross the
field.  He walked with purjust as he did everything.  His stride was
long; his arms q moved, as if he were cqnserving energy.  Smiling, she
him disappear into the cottage.  the smile died.  was going to have to
tell him the truth.  How could she e thought he would throw up his
hands in defeat and q peaoefully with Alden in attendance?  Stefan was
q:qsceful loser.  He was not going to let her go gently into that good
night.  He was going to rage for both of them, rage and storm and fight
the dying of the light, her light, with every particle of his being. He
didn't know that what was happening to her was inevitable.

She wasn't going to spend her last days that way.  She refused to die
in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and cut off from the people
and place she loved best.  Alden had promised her comfort; no one could
grant her a cure.  She wanted comfort; she wanted Stefan and the
children with her.  And in the last moments, she only wanted Stefan.
Not nurses.  Not doctors struggling futilely to cheat their worst
enemy.  Stefan.

But would Stefan believe the truth?  Could she expect anyone to believe
her?  Or would he believe that this was another delusion, a symptom of
her yet undiagnosed illness ?

She sat in silence, watching the sky grow brighter.  Each moment seemed
precious.  Each gull that skimmed the waves seemed an extension of
herself.  She wanted to fly with them; perhaps she would one day soon.
Perhaps death was no worse than that.

Minutes later she heard Stefan coming toward her, well before she
should have.  She was glad her senses were only affected positively by
her body's deterioration.  She wanted to experience the world in all
its potency.  Especially the man she loved.  She turned when he was
just yards away and smiled at him.

He paused midstep and smiled back at her.  No words were needed.  She
wondered why she had ever needed them.

She waited while he spread the blanket.  Then she sat and patted the
space beside her.

He took a thermos from the picnic hamper, along with the rolls and
fresh oranges.

"A feast."  She reached to pour the coffee, but the cup; trembled in
her hand.

"Let me."  Gently he took it and carefully filled it half q full.

"I'll feel better when I eat," she said.

"I fed you at midnight."

"The best meal of my life."  She flirted a little, regarding him under
her lashes.  "The best night of my life."

" q g

Eve ni ht should have been like that.  Every night of our future will
be.

"Maybe we had to learn what it was like to be apart before we could
really know the joys of being together."

"I don't like that kind of lesson."

Her voice caught.  "Neither do I."

"Do you want to take this slowly, Lindsey?"

" She looked up, surprised by the intensity of his tone.

What do you mean?

"I don't want to raise the children's hopes if there's no reason to."

She set down her coffee and breached the space between them with her
hand.  "I want to marry you again.  Soon."

He stared at her.

For a moment she was afraid.  She couldn't imagine that she had
mistaken last night for anything other than what it had seemed to be.
But she had hurt Stefan terribly.  Perhaps she had hurt him too much to
ask him to try marriage again.

Or perhaps he believed they needed time.

She had no time.  q "I know what that sounds like," she said softly. "I
know you're afraid.  But-" qqAfraid?  No.  " He covered her hand.  "
Are you sure?  " we've never been divorced, not really.  You've said it
q-yourself.  No piece of paper makes or destroys a marriage.  qqt's
what two people feel about each other.  But I want us to qqake our vows
again.  Maybe here by the lake this time.  I t to... know you're to
tall mine."

"I am: y " "Then you'll marry me again?  = " Yes.  " q-q'Just as soon
as it can be arranged ?  Just as soon as you're feeling better."

" " No !  " She drew a deep breath.  " " I... we don' tknow when that
will be exactly.  I don't want to wait."

He watched her closely.  She was so fragile that it seemed as if the
lake breeze might sweep her to the heavens.  His hand tightened over
hers.  "Do you want this because you're afraid you're dying?"

"I want this because I love you: '

"I've told you.  You've got to trust me.  I'm not going to let you die.
We're going to have years and years together.  We'll watch our
grandchildren grow up, and their children , too."

"Then let's be sure we get married soon.  Our grandchildren might not
understand if we don't."

He leaned forward, touching her chin so she had to look at him, too.
"There's nothing I want more.  Nothing."

"Stefan: She went willingly into his arms.

"He's a very talented sculptor and wood-carver," Hilda said.  "Why is
it no one told me that my grandson likes to carve?  No one thought I'd
want to know?"

Lindsey sat still and let the others take care of her.  Mandy brought
her a crocheted afghan and tucked it around her; Geoff had already
brought her a favorite pillow.  And Hilda had pumped ice water and
vitamins into her from the moment she had arrived at the cottage with
the children.

"I guess I didn't think you'd be interested," Lindsey said.

"Not interested in my own grandson?  Everything about him interests me.
And Mandy, too.  Did I move to Clever land to write books?  I can write
books anywhere."

"You've always seemed interested in more academic pursuits," Lindsey
said tactfully.

"I talk about what I know.  I want to know about my grandchildren."

Lindsey swallowed her gratitude, curiously manifested ac a lump of
tears in her throat.  Hilda loved Geoff, just as slq loved her
granddaughter.  God willing, she would be the.  q for the children as
they grew, offering some of the devotion that Lindsey could not.

"My grandfather was a wood-carver," Hilda said.

"He carved clocks.  Cuckoo clocks," Ceoff explained.  "Grandmother
showed me some."

Lindsey was ashamed.  "I knew that.  I've seen them in your house,
Hilda, but I'd forgotten."

" " He would have been so proud of Geoff.  " Hilda beamed at her
grandson, and Geoff beamed back.  Lindsey realized hoov often she had
stepped between these two, keeping them &om truly getting acquainted.
She had been so concerned for Geoff, and there had never been a need.
Both Hilda and Stefan were willing to accept him for the person he was.
They had only needed a chance to know him.

She felt hands on her shoulders.  Stefan's hands.  She nached up to
cover them and keep them there.  She was glad that Hilda had agreed to
stay the night.  She wanted Hilda qo hear what she and Stefan were
going to tell the children.  q She saw that Geoff had noticed the
intimacy.  He looked

Geoff, Mandy," she said.  " Come here, please.  " Candy came over from
the corner, where she had been mp ting to teach Kong to sit.  Geoff
moved closer, but he q't meet his mother's eyes.  Your Daddy and I have
something to tell all of you: turned to look up at Stefan.  She wanted
him to do it, qed that he would.  Your Mommy and I are getting married
again.  We'll be qtogether, just like we used to: He looked at each of
children, then at his mother.  " And we hope you'll be qy about it.  "
qo you think I'm surprised?"  Hilda asked.  "No, the q:sqprise you've
ever given me was not understanding qwn hearts.  I'm glad you finally
do, though it took you

1ed?  " Mandy frowned.  " With a wedding?  " Next weekend, " Lindsey
said.

"Do I get to be there?  I wasn't the last time."  "

" Absolutely: '

Geoff stepped forward.  He looked straight at his father.  - " " Will
you still spend time with us?  "

Stefan nodded gravely.  "More than I ever have."

"You didn't before."

"There are a lot of reasons for that, and none of them were your fault.
But there aren't any reasons now.  We'll spend lots of time together.
All of us."

"Can you get married if you're still sick, Mommy?"

Mandy asked.  She crawled up on Lindsey's lap and expertly felt her
cheeks.

"We're getting married no matter what," Lindsey assured her.  She
kissed the palm of Mandy's hand.  " " Did you start loving each other
again?  " Mandy asked.  " " Is that what happened?  "

The room was quiet for a moment.  Then Stefan leaned over so his eyes
were level with his daughter's.  "We never stopped loving each other,"
he said.  "Sometimes grown-ups just make mistakes."

"That's a pretty big mistake," Mandy said.  "I'd be in such trouble if
I made a mistake like that !  "

Lindsey began to laugh.  She clasped Mandy and then Geoff, who crawled
up on her lap to join his sister.  Stefan put his arms around them all,
laughing, too.  Across the room, Hilda's eyes were wet.

From the cottage window and in the same dress she been married in one:
before, Lindsey watched Stefan ing goodbye to the children and Hilda.
It was early morning, and most of the rest of the wedding guests had
alre gone.  There hadn't been many.  She and Stefan ha wanted the
renewal of their vows to become a circus.  Z had only invited a few
close friends, Frank-who hadmitted he liked attending weddings better
than divora and some of Stefan's colleagues.

And Alden.

She turned to face Alden now.  They were alone in the cottage.  "Stefan
expects me to go back into the hospital on Monday.  I put him off a
week because of the wedding.  But he won't be put off any longer."

"He sees what's happening."

"Which is?"

His eyes were depthless.  She could see all the sadness in the universe
in them.  "Exactly what I was afraid of.  Faster than I'd hoped."

She nodded.  She had sensed the truth.  "I wouldn't be on my feet if it
weren't for your treatments, would I?"

"They only give you a little more strength.  They do nothing to stop
the inevitable."

"And soon they'll only stop the pain."

"You're fast reaching the point when it will be too late to come with
us, Lindsey."

"I already told you my decision."

"You need another treatment now."

"So soon?  I just had one before the ceremony."

"Even at that, it may not take you through the night: '

She turoeql back to the window.  "I can't go back into the hospital.  I
don't want to leave the island."

"I'll help you wherever you are."  qq "No.  I've got to tell Stefan I'm
not going.  If I go into the q ital, I'll never leave again.  I want to
be here.  With Ste With you.  With Geoff and Mandy."

"What will you tell him?"  a moment she was afraid.  She knew Alden had
pow beyond her imagination.  If he didn't want her to tell the truth,
he could easily stop her.  , " g Pn t worry, he said, as if her thou
hts had been s o t loud.  " Nothing you tell him could harm us.  I'm
not to silence you: can you help?  Can you make him believe what I

She qaw Stefan start toward the house.  "He's come so far.  Upstairs,
he lowered her gently to their bed.  Someone had

But has he come that far?  " She felt Alden take her arm, and already
turned down the covers in invitation.  She sighed she felt the faint,
familiar prick that made it possible for her with relief.  q to go on
from hour to hour.  " What can I say to him to con- Stefan touched her
cheek.  "I'll help you out of your vince him?"  clothes.  "

"Nothing more than the truth: " I think That's to be expected, isn't
it?  "

She turned to ask him for an explanation, but he was "You're too tired
and sick to make love."  gone.  She closed her eyes and thought about
all that had Tean sprang to her eyes.  She tugged him down beside her.
been revealed to her.  She would trade every bit of it for pre" No I'm
not."  She didn't add that she soon would be.  cious years with her
family, even the serenity that came from "Don't deprive me of my
wedding night."  knowing there were many more wonderful things in the
"You need to rest."  universe than she had ever contemplated.  "And I
will.  Afterwards."

The door opened.  "Lindsey?"  He surrounded her with his arms so that
she lay against

"I'm in here."  She forced herself to smile when Stefan tus chestqq Do
you remember another wedding night?  " crossed the threshold.  " Are
they all gone?  " " I do.

"What about Alden?"  You were so beautiful.  No more beautiful than you
are

"He left a few moments ago."  now, of course.  I felt like I was in a
dream.  There had been " , " so many things I'd wanted all my life.
Some of them had

"I didn't see him.  qq been easy to identify.  And some of them
weren't.  I'd wanted

He left a different way.  you forever, but I'd never even known you
existed.  Then,

"Then they're all gone."  He came to her side.  "You look.  suddenly,
there you were.  And I hardly knew what to do: a little flushed.  , q
Stefan wondered if he was making sense.  Sometimes, even " it's not
everyday I get married.  q, q. now, his feelings were tangled inside
him in knots he " " There's going to be a wonderful sunset.  qqdn't
untie.  He knew that he would never be able to ex She couldn't face
watching the sun disappear.  Not to" hqqlf as easily as she did.  He
also knew that rfect night.  " Let's go upstairs: ":qtqarity di '

He frowned and put his hand on her forehead.  "I think portandthing a H
r. Now Lindsey understood the most you're hot.  Lindsey, damn it, I
knew you should have goneq -,q e loved her.  He had from the beginning.
into the hospital this week!  This was too much excitement q Yo g q
mqqfehildren are more important to me than."  -" he said softly against
her hair.

We could have waited for the wedding.  " She didn't answer.  He felt
the soft whisper of her breath

"Please.  No fights.  Not tonight.  I'll feel better in a lit his chest
and realized she had fallen asleep.  Fear while."  the tender moment.
He was tempted to shake her, to

"Upstairs is a good idea."  He swept her off her feet, b q' to himself
that she was only sleeping.  Instead he set there was conrern in his
eyes, not desire.  ha back against the pillows and felt for the pulse
in her

"I can still walk: t. Her heartbeat was too fast and not nearly as
steady

"Not if I have my way."  would have liked it fo be.

She rested against him, grateful for his strength.  n you, Lindsey," he
said softly, fiercely.

He hadn't even undressed her.  He did it now, as gently as he could. He
debated calling the hospital to alert them that he was bringing her in
tonight, but decided it would be better to wait until the morning. She
would resist with all her strength.  Unless she took a turn for the
worse, she would rest better here.

"Stefan?  Come to bed."

Her voice sounded as if it were coming from miles away.  He touched her
forehead.  "How do you feel?"

"I'm waiting for you to get undressed."

He did, slipping in beside her to hold her in his arms.  "You fell
asleep."

"On my wedding night?  I did not."

"Then it was a good imitation: '

"You're..  just nervous about making love to your new bride."

She felt so perfect against him, like the half of himself that had been
missing for too long.  He kissed her forehead, the soft blond hair
falling over her ear, the nape of her neck.  She sighed with pleasure
as his hands roamed over her.  He memorized the feel of her with his
fingers, his lips, and told himself there was no need.  She was his
again.  She wasn't going to leave him.

"Why do you suppose that people ever do anything but make love?  "

He laughed a little, and the laughter felt like pain.  "Be.  cause we
aren't nearly as smart as we think."

"We missed a year of this."

"It doesn't matter now."  "

" Make it up to me?  "

"All tonight?  That's a pretty tall order."

"You're the man to fill it."  _

He kissed her tenderly, then not so tenderly.  He cauldn't= lose the
feeling that she was slipping away from him.  S was there and not
there.  He could touch her, feel her, yet something was different. Fear
clutched him, but he pushed it away.  He didn't want to be afraid now. 
Something told him not to let fear spoil this moment.

She was the one who joined them.  She wrapped her legs around him and
made them one as easily as the court had divided them.

Afterward, drifting on satisfaction, he cuddled her against him.  She
had fallen asleep immqiately.

He stroked her hair, and she turned her head.  Her cheek was too warm
against his chest.  The fear he had tried to shove aside haunted him
once more.  He had pored over her medical records again and again.  He
and his interns had set up housekeeping in the hospital library.
Nothing he'd found , nothing anyone had found, offered any clues.
Tomorrow with Lmdsey safely in a hospital bed, he would work even
harder to find an answer.  She could not continue this way.  " " What
are you thinking.

Her question took him by surprise.  He hadn't expected her to wake up
until morning.  "Honestly?  I was thinking you still seem feverish.
I'll be glad to get you into the hospital tomorrow morning."

"I'm not going."

He stopped stroking.  "Go back to sleep."

"I'm not going to the hospital, Stefan: She didn't move.  She couldn't
make herself look at him.

"You have to.  You're sick.  You can't deny it.  I won't let you: '

"I'm not sick.  I'm dying.  And nothing anyone at the qSpital can do
will change it.  I want to stay here.  I want to h-" y ?

qqWhat are you talking about "

I qow what's wrong with me.  " lifted her chin soqhat she was forced to
meet his eyes.  you really awake.

I wish I weren't.  " tell me what you're talking about!  " il&ll e are
things in this world, in this universe, that we q:qxr t understand. One
of them came to earth in May.  "

"Are you talking about the spaceship you thought you saw?"

She smiled and touched his cheek.  "Have I ever, in all the years
you've known me, seen something that wasn't there?"

"Yes.  I look at the lake and see blue water.  You look at it and see
colors and patterns and light and fish swimming beneath it and clouds
reflected in it.  And then you paint it that way, or"

"Yes, but it's still only a lake, and I only see what's there or what I
know is under the surface.  I looked up at the sky one night and I saw
more than stars."

She touched his lips to silence his response.  "I saw a ship land in
that field, and I was drawn toward it.  But there were problems.  The
ship only landed because it was in trouble.  And that same trouble
exposed me to forces beyond our understanding, forces the human body
can't withstand.  And I'm dying as a result."

He stared at her.  He wished he could see into her brain, beyond
anything a CAT scan could detect.  Into the very firing of neurons,
into the places where imagination and its black-hearted partner,
delusion, existed.

"I know what you're thinking," she said.  "I'm really not crazy,
dearest.  I wish I were.  We might be able to cure that "

"And how do you know this?  Did you suddenly remember ?  Did an alien
come back to earth to warn you?"

"Open your mind.  Listen with your heart."

"How do you know?"  he demanded, sharper this time.

"Because Alden told me."

"Alden!"  Fury blazed through him.  "What the hell is he trying to
do?"

"He's telling the truth: '

"He's trying to exploit you, Lindsey.  I've always thought there was
something odd about him.  I warned you right at the beginning.  Has he
been treating you?  My God; is that the missing link?  Has he been
giving you something-"

"He's not from this world."

He shut his eyes.  "I'll kill him."

"Open your mind.  Listen with your heart."  She touched his eyelids.
"Look at me."

He opened his eyes, and she saw rage.  " " If that bastard has hurt
you, he's a dead man.  "

"He didn't hurt me.  No one hurt me.  It was an accident.  I'm dying as
a result.  Alden came back to help me, but there's nothing he can do
except make me more comfortable I recognized him from the ship, Stefan,
not at first, but later.  I know how this sounds.  I know!  But I did
see a LTFO.  And I did go on board.  And Alden was there.  In a
different form.  He seems human now, but he's not.  His race can take
on different forms if necessary.  There's nothing evil about them. 
They are what we might become someday.  Pure.  Guileless.  In harmony
with something we can't even see."

He thrust her away, but she grasped his arm.  "Stefan!  "

"Don't try to stop me."  He loosened her fingers.

"There's nothing you can do.  There's nothing he can do."

"Oh, he can do something, all right.  He can tell me why lqe's feeding
this fantasy of yours!  He can tell me what he's been giving you to
make you sick!  "

"He's only helped me.  If it weren't for him, I might be dead already!"
,

"I'm going to find him."

"Don't leave me now.  Stay with me."  q "" I'm going to stay with you
forever!  But first I'm going qd your so-called alien friend and find
out what kind of he's playing!  " q qhe struggled to sit up, to go
after him, but he was dressed gone before she had even swung her feet
over the bed.  _ room revolved around her until she felt as if she were
in oenter of a carousel.  She grasped the bedpost and stood, the room
whirled faster.  She couldn't take a step.  In ir she fell back to the
bed and wept.

Chapter 15

cc

I thought you would come.  " Alden turned away from his living room
window overlooking the moonlit lake.  He stood without moving as Stefan
slammed the front door behind him.  " "Did you?"

"Lindsey told you why I'm here."

"Lindsey told me why she thinks you're here.  You've twisted her
thinking until she actually believes your absurd story!"  Stefan
advanoed on Alden.  Hqs hands were clenched at his sides.

"And you don't believe her."  Alden shook his head.  "I hoped you
would."

"Then you hoped I was a fool."

"I hoped you were the man we'd sought: '

Stefan paused, poised like a lion about to spring.  "We?"

"

" My people.  "

"

"Your people."

"Everything she's told you is true."

"What can you possibly gain by these lies?"  "

" Not a thing "

"You've been giving her something to confuse her."

"The truth can be confusing, yes.  But she's not the one who's
confused.  She has a rare ability, one that for the most part your race
has lost.  She can sense truth.  She sensed immediately that we
wouldn't hurt her when she saw us land our ship.  Later she sensed that
I wasn't exactly who I led her to believe I was.  You who breathe pride
yourselves on logic, but you've forgotten the logic of intuition.  Your
animals still q have it.  Sometimes they're wiser than you: " " Enough
!  " Stefan stepped forward.  " " I want to know I what you've done to
her and why!  "

Alden shook his head sadly.  "I'm afraid we've hurt her !"  terribly.
We aren't infallible.  We can still make mistakes.  " " "Your biggest
mistake was staying here tonight !  " Stefan sprang.  His hands, a
neurosurgeon's skilled hands, went " right for Alden's throat.

Alden swept one hand in a graceful arc, and Stefan 'q stumbled and fell
at his feet.  j "You have the ability to understand what I'm saying, i
too," Alden said.  j " " You bastard !  " Stefan sprang to his feet and
launched himself at Alden again.  Alden halted him with the palm of one
hand in front of Stefan's face.  Stefan tried to move, but there was an
inviolable space between them.

"Listen to what you know," Alden said.  "Listen to what you know!  You
can't always touch the truth, Stefan.  No more than you can touch me
now."

"What are you doing to me?  What are you doing to my wife!  "

"Listen.  Shut your eyes.  Open your heart."

"This is insane!"

"Insanity is losing touch.  Sanity is striving to touch everything you
don't know.  Do you know everything, Stefan ?  Can you be so arrogant
that you think you understand the universe?  "

Stefan stared at him.  His mind refused to comprehend the obvious.  He
was standing two feet from a man he wanted to kill.  He was a healer,
yet he wanted to wrap his fingers around Alden's throat and choke off
his breath.  And the only thing keeping him from his goal was two feet
he couldn't breach.

"Close your eyes.  Open your heart," Alden said.

Stefan stared at him.  "Do whatever you want to me, but release
whatever power you hold over my wife!  "

Alden shook his head.  "I only wish it were that simple.  But
everything she's told you is true.  We don't have enough power.  We
harmed her unknowingly.  Now we want to help.  But we're limited by
what we don't know.  We aren't human We can only understand so much
about you " He waved his hand, and Stefan felt the invisible wall
between them disappear.

He launched himself at Alden and shoved him against the window.  For a
moment his fiercest desire was realized.  Alden was in his grasp, his
flesh giving under the pressure of Stefan's fingers.  Then he was
gone.

Stefan fell forward, and his head bounced against the window pane.  He
turned, and Alden was standing behind him.  Stefan grabbed for him
again, and again Alden was in his grasp.  Then he wasn't.

The third time was the same.

Stefan dropped to his knees and bent his head.  The room spun around
him.  The world spun.  Everything he had always known spun out of his
grasp until he was empty.  The river of feeling that had been released
by understanding and expressing his love for Lindsey was now a raging
torrent washing away everything he had ever believed.

And in the place of all he'd known and all he'd believed was nothing.
Darkness!

"Did she tell you that I want her to come with me to my = home?"  Alden
asked.  "Did she tell you that if she does, I : can save her life."

Stefan felt tears coursing down his cheeks.  "No."

"It's the only way I can be certain to save her," Aldenq said.  "We've
forgotten as much about the human body asq we've remembered.  Once we
were much like you, much as you see me now.  But we thought we had no
use for what we knew, and so we discarded much of it.  So much: '

"What's happening to her?  How can you save her?"

"Lindsey's body is preparing to transform, much as ours did thousands
of years ago.  But it can't happen here.  She's not ready, and she
can't be made ready here.  So we must take her back to our home and
help her make the transition : '

"Then take her!  Now.  Don't let her die!"

"She refuses to go."

"She can't."

"But she does.  She doesn't want to leave you or the children She
prefers to die here."

"Then I'll make her go!"

"You can't do that any more than she could make you believe in
spaceships and extraterrestrial beings."

Stefan couldn't speak.  The awful truth wrapped around his throat just
as his fingers had wrapped around Alden's.

His love had doomed Lindsey.  By loving her, by needing her and telling
her so, he had sentenced her to death.

Lindsey fought her way toward the front door of the cottage It had
taken her precious minutes and energy to dress and make her way
downstairs.  She was in no pain.  Rather, she felt as if she were deep
inside a dream, struggling to put one foot in front of the other.

She had to reach Stefan.  -qShe raised her hand toward the doorknob.
Higher, higher.  the could see her hand clearly, just in front of her,
but she ldn't force it to move faster.  Her reflexes weren't gone, were
just vastly slowed.  Every movement required in concentration When she
touched the knob at last, her slid over it once, then again.  She
demanded that her close around it, screamed silently at them until
they

The door refused to give, but she leaned away from it, every ounce of
her weight to make it obey.  She slid to the floor when the door opened
at last and she crawled outside to the porch.

The evening air revived her a little.  She swung her legs over the
porch edge and stood when her feet contacted the ground.  The path to
Alden's house seemed a thousand miles long.  For a moment she was sure
she couldn't make it.  What little strength she had left was quickly
fading.  Soon, perhaps sometime in the next minutes, it would fade
completely

"A journey of a thousand miles..."  she whispered.  She took a step
before completing the rest of the saying.  "Begins with a single step."
Her journey had begun on a night much like this one.  She had stumbled
onto something so unbelievable, so impossible, that Stefan could not be
expected to understand and accept what she had told him.

Where was he now?  She had never sensed, never, that he was capable of
the rage she had seen in his eyes.  He had wanted to kill Alden.
Perhaps by now he had tried.  Tears welled at the thought.  She had
brought him to this.  She should have gone with Alden, gone and left
Stefan and the children to a life without her.  What new pain had she
brought them by staying?

She took a deep breath and released it.  How many more breaths would
she be granted?  And Stefan?  Would he die now, too?  Would he die
trying to save her?  There was so little she knew about Alden and his
race.  What would Alden do when confronted with Stefan's fury?

One step became two, then a dozen.  She was moving faster than she had
expected.  Here in the open her dizziness wasn't as bad.  She could
maintain her balance if she held her arms slightly away from her body.
She fixed her vision on a spot in the distance, a tree that stood at
the edge of Alden's yard, and forced herself to concentrate on reaching
it.

Fireflies brightened the darkness with tiny flashes of ligbt, and the
moon sent its subtle rays to illuminate her path.  Once she tripped,
but she caught herself before' falling Almost to her goal, she tripped
again and sprawled helplessly on the ground, striking her head against
a root.  She felt along it, inching herself across the ground until she
could touch the trunk.  Using it to steady herself, she managed to
stand.

The landscape whirled around her, and she held on to the tree for
stability.  " " Stefan.  " But her voice was no more than a whisper.
She concentrated on breathing.  In and out.  In and out until the
whirling receded and her vision was no longer blurred.

Across the yard Alden's cottage glowed with pastel light, and she heard
the melodies she had heard there before.  Carefully she leaned all her
weight against the tree and rekased her hold on it.

She could make it.  She could and would, no matter what the
consequences.  She took one step, then another, until the tree was no
longer within reach.  She stumbled again, but she didn't fall.

"Stefan: '

Silhouetted in the window of the cottage was a man's form.  And the man
was not her husband.  Frantically she lifted one foot, then the other.
One step.  The journey of a thousand miles.

One step.

"Sq,s qming," Alden said.

Stefan knew what Alden meant, had known Lindsey was near before Alden
had even spoken.  "How long does she hsve to live?"  q- "I don't know:
'

"How could your people have doomed her to this?"

Alden turned to him.  "The fault was my own: qq.qq sqq at him and saw
the anguish on Alden's face.

was the ship's first officer that night.  It was my duty mitor the
screen that should have prevented her from harmed.  In my haste I
neglected one part of the safety tory.  I sensed something was wrong,
but there was no time to investigate.  Ordinarily our intelligence
systems would have alerted me to my mistake, but they were affected by
the same atmospheric forces that damaged the ship:"

"That's why you're here!"

"No.  I would be here anyway.  I am also the ship's healer.  it's my
sacred trust to heal when I can: '

"But you feel particularly dedicated this time."  "

" You understand.  "

Stefan tried to rise.  He wanted to find Lindsey, but he was bound to
the floor as surely as if he had been tied there.

"We must finish this now," Alden said.  "Together: '

The door opened, and Lindsey stood on the threshold.  She stared at
Alden, then at Stefan.  With a faint cry she stumbled across the floor
to Stefan's side.  " " Are you all right?  "

He grasped her and pulled her to him.  His tears fell on her hair.  " "
Lind.  sey!  "

"It's all right.  It's all right " She circled him with her arms and
rocked him as if he were a child.  "Nothing you could have done would
have changed anything: " "You have to go with them !  " " " Never: '

He tried to push her away, but she wouldn't allow it.  "Go!  " he said.
"Don't you know I'd rather you were alive somewhere?"

"And don't you know I don't want to be?  How could I live knowing I'd
never see you again?  How could I survive so far away?"

"And how can I live knowing my love killed you?"

She brushed his hair from his forehead and kissed him.  " " Even if
that were true, there are some things worth dying for.  "

Alden crossed the room.  He bent and touched Lindsey's face.  She shook
off his hand and laid her cheek against Stefan 's.

"You must come with us tonight."  Alden stepped back.  "The time has
run out on your decision."

"I've made my decision."

"

" Please, go !  " Stefan tried again to push her away.

"Can't either of you understand?"  she asked.  "I can't go.  I'm not
strong enough.  I can't live away from the people I love.  Death will
be kinder than that!  How can I live separated from everything and
everyone I hold dear?  I don't want to be transformed.  I want whatever
days are left to me in this body, in this place, with you, Stefan, and
with the children.  Could you go, if it were you?"

He held her against him, and knew she had won.  He looked at Alden and
saw that he knew it, too.  "it's always been your decision," Alden told
her.  "Always : '

"Stefan?"  She framed his face in her hands.  "Tell me you
understand."

He couldn't say it, but she saw it in his eyes.  She collapsed against
him, exhausted.  He held her as if he could stave off the inevitable.

"What can I do?"  he whispered.  "There has to be something

I can do.  " He lifted his eyes to Alden's.  " Help me.  Help us!  "

Alden gazed at him, but he didn't answer.

"There is something, isn't there?"

"Close your eyes.  Open your heart.  Listen."

Stefan gripped Lindsey tighter.  He squeezed his eyelids shut and tried
to still the chorus of voices inside him.  Fear smothered everything
else.

"Don't push away the fear," Alden said.  "Open your heart.  Follow the
voices until they die away."

Stefan felt Lindsey against him.  He saw her body in their bed at the
cottage, naked and flushed from their lovemaking Sorrow pierced him at
what could never be again.  Tears slid down his cheeks, and he gripped
her tighter still.

In his vision Lindsey rose from beside him and moved to the window.
Sunlight streamed around her.  She lifted her hand, and he followed. He
bent his head to kiss her.  The vision disappeared, and he saw Geoff
drowning.  He floated in the air just above him, unable to reach for
him, unable to move.  Then, as he gasped and cried out in horror , he
was no longer frozen.  He dove cleanly into the water and fell to the
bottom.  His hand closed over his son's body, and they rose together.

The lake became an operating room at the hospital.  A man lay on the
table, and Stefan saw himself in sterile garb reaching to comfort him.
His hand touched the man's head, and he knew, from touch alone, exactly
how he could heal him.  Power flowed through his fingers, power and
magic and something else.

"Love."  He opened his eyes.

"As good a word as any," Alden said.

"You love her, too, don't you?"  Stefan whispered.  " " Close your
eyes, Stefan.  "

Stefan did.  This time his vision was of Alden.  He saw him reaching
toward Lindsey.  Reaching, stretching his hands in anguish.  He saw
tears in Alden's eyes; then he saw Alden transformed.  He was no longer
human, but something so glorious, so radiant, that Stefan wanted to
shield his eyes.  But he could not.

As he watched, the blaze of formless light stopped just inches from
Lindsey.  "Touch her," Stefan demanded.  " " Heal her!  " " " I
cannot."

Stefan opened his eyes again and saw the Alden of human form before
him.  "Why can't you?"

"I've told you why."

"Because you aren't human.  And I am, but I can't heal her because I
don't know enough!  I don't understand enough !  "

"Once I told you there was much we could teach each other."

"Teach me now!  I'll learn whatever I have to.  I'll do whatever I have
to."  "once, there might have been enough time," Alden said.

"There's not enough now?"

Alden shook his head.

"Why didn't you tell me then?  Why did you hint at things I couldn't
understand?"

"Because you couldn't understand then.  Now you can."

"No!"  Stefan shut his eyes.  "No!"

This time the vision was of a house.  It took him precious seconds to
recognize it.  The house was theirs, but it was barren of all the
warmth Lindsey had brought to it.  He saw Geoff and Mandy, nearly
grown.  He saw himself reaching out to them, but even holding them in
his arms, he felt empty.  The house was empty.  Their lives were empty.
His heart..

He opened his eyes and knew that he could not survive more visions.
"What must I do?"  he asked.

"There's only one thing left," Alden said.

"Whatever it is, I'll do it."

"You may not survive."

Lindsey had been silent in Stefan's arms.  She had been silenoed, bound
by the same force that had shaken his body again and again.  Now she no
longer was.  She pushed against him, trying to force him to release
her.  " " Stefan, no !  "

"What is it?"  Stefan demanded of Alden.  "What can I do?"

"What can we do?"  Alden knelt beside them, touching each of them on
the shoulder.  Lindsey stopped thrashing.  Wide-eyed, she gazed at
him.

"Don't hurt him," she begged.  "Alden, no!"

"He must make this decision, just as you were allowed to qtake yours,"
Alden said.

"What decision?"  Stefan demanded.  "What?  I'll do

"What do you feel?"  Alden asked.

Stefan concentrated.  He could feel a tingling where Alden touched his
shoulder.  But it was more than that.  Alden 's touch made everything
seam clearer.  " " I..  I don't know.  I can't explain.  "

Alden moved away.  "Stand up."

Stefan held Lindsey tighter for a moment.  He kissed her hair.  Then,
firmly, he thrust her away.  She tried to stand too, but found she
couldn't.  ,

"Move away from her," Alden said.

Stefan looked down and saw she was sobbing.  He hesitated "

" Now: '

Stefan stepped away from Lindsey until there was a wide space between
them.  " " Enough?  "

"Yes."

Stefan watched Alden close the distance until they were separated only
by inches.  Alden turned to Lindsey.  "There are emotions you breathers
feel that we are no longer privy to.  I think I understand the one you
call envy now.  This man is to be envied for having your love.  God
speed you on whatever journey you take."

She covered her face in her hands and wept harder.

He turned back to Stefan.  "There is much we no longer know.  I believe
most of that knowledge belongs to you " He touched Stefan's forehead
and smiled a little.  "A very-= primitive storage area, don't you
think?"

Stefan could hardly breathe.  His hands were clenched at q his sides.
"Nothing I know is worth anything if it can't save " Lindsey.  "

"And nothing I know is enough.  But together?  "

" g

You said there wasn't enough h time to teach me what you know.

"Not to teach you, no.  But I can give you my knowledge , just as you
can give me yours: '

"How?"

"By merging with me for a moment."  "

" Merging?  "

"There is nothing equivalent in your history.  There is no way to
explain.  This is the way we exchange knowledge where I come from.qq He
uttered a long, pleasing array of sounds.  My home.

Stefan spoke the word back to him.  Perfectl.

"You are the one," Alden said.  "I've thought as much all along: '

"Then merge with me."

"

" It's never been tried before with someone of your race.

We have no guarantee that you can survive it.  We only know that most
humans could not.  I believe if anyone can, it will be you.

"Stefan, no!"  Lindsey struggled to stand, but she was unable to move.
"" Don't do it !  "

"And when we've merged, I'll be able to cure Lindsey?"

"That's what we hope."

"Hope?"

"Hope.  Want.  Pray."  "

" You said that we would teach each other "

"We were wrong to lose what we knew.  If I survive with y y what you
have to qeach me, then you Il be helping us.  " "If you survive.

"There are no guarantees."  ", q qqAnd you would do this for Lindsey.

I would do anything I could.  "

"No!"  Lindsey struggled uselessly.  "Both of you.  No!

Pleaseq .  q "'qs race of yours.  Are they all like you?"  Stefan
asked.

Alden smqed.  "pre you ready to find out?"

Sean gaq at Lindsey.  He wanted to reach out to her , qqeassure her. He
held out his hand, as if to touch her, but was too far away.  She
looked distraught.  He turned " from her, his heart torn.  qqqlose your
eyes Alden said.  " C q:qSqfan, no!  " lear your mind.  n saw Alden
pass his hand in Lindsey's direction.  qqqm grew silent.  He closed his
eyes.

Lindsey battled to stand, but she couldn't move, just as she couldn't
speak.  In horror, she saw Alden's hands hover in the air above
Stefan's shoulders.  Everything inside her screamed at them to stop,
but she couldn't make a sound.

Sobbing, she watched Alden's hands descend.  Slowly, so slowly.  Then
they settled, fingers pressing lightly against Stefan's neck.

The pastel light flared into a million shards of primaq colors.  She
tried to cry out again, but she could not.  Terrified , she fought to
reach Stefan as the light grew more intense

There was an explosion, light erupting, and a sound that almost
deafened her.  The two men seemed to become one.  For an instant there
was a single body so brilliant that her eyes closed and her mind
refused to comprehend.

The room fell silent again.  She tried to breathe, but couldn't, as if
aIl the oxygen had been sucked away.  Her last struggle was to open her
eyes once more.  She saw a man lying facedown on the floor.  One man.
Stefan.

Then there was darkness.

Daylight was streaming through the windows when Lindsey awoke.  She
didn't know where she was, and at first it didn't matter.  She was
filled with such a strong sense of peace and contentment that she lay
still, staring at the ceiling , and let it fill her.

The song of a bird brought her back to awareness.  At first it wa s
only pleasant background noise as she drifted serenely Then she began
to concentrate on the melody.  It reminded her of the music she had
heard last night as she fought her way toward the cottage.

Peace disappeared as memory filled her, followed swiftly by terror.

"Stefan."  Her lips barely formed the words.  For a moment her head
refused to turn.  She remembered that the lastq thing she'd seen last
night was Stefan, prostrate on the floor.  q

She summoned all her strength and fought to turn her head once more.
This time she was successful.  Stefan lay only yards away.

"No!"  She rolled to her side and stretched her hand toward him, but he
was too far away to reach.  She inched closer, drawing strength now
from some new, mysterious reservoir inside of her.  Closer, then closer
still.  Finally her fingertips rested against his hand.

His skin was warm.  "

" Stefan !  "

Just touching him energized her.  She was filled with hope again and
new strength.  She inched closer until she could touch his arm, then
his back.  "Stefan, can you hear me?"

He made the sounds of a man just coming awake.  She wondered if she
could sit up.  At first she was unsuccessful, but she managed after
several attempts.  Now she could clearly see the side of his face.  She
touched his cheek, and his eyes opened.

He lifted his head, then slowly turned to his side.  He looked at her
as if he didn't know who she was, as if he didn't know who he was.  For
long moments his eyes didn't seem to focus.  Fear filled her again.  He
was alive, but what prioe had he paid to try to save her?

"Lindsey?"

She sobbed her relief.  He pushed himself slowly upright qk her in his
arms.

"I thought you were dead," she said.  "Last night.  Oh,

Sbefan, I was sure you hadn't survived !  "

He held her without speaking, rocking her slowly back forth.  qq "Say
something.  Please, just say something," she said.  qqYou don't have to
be afraid.  I'm all right.  I'm here.  qd qq tighter, filled with
gratitude.  "Alden's not."  toow.  as he gone back to his ship?  " was
silent for a long time.  " I don't think so," he said d?"

"No.  He's safe, wherever he is: '

She was worried about Alden, but more worried about the man holding
her.  "Stefan, were you hurt last night?"  -"No, I wasn't hurt: He
kissed her forehead.  " And you're no worse this morning, are you?  "

She realized it was true.  "No."

"Our exchange last night halted your body's transformation temporarily.
Alden knew if you witnessed it, it would buy you some time."

"How do you know?  Did he tell you?"

" " In his own way.  " He turned her face to his.  He looked at her and
knew he had never seen the real woman.  And he looked at her and knew
he had never let her see the real man.  Now he did both.

She made a sobbing noise low in her throat, but she didn't speak.  " "
Alden's gone, Lindsey.  I don't know where, and I don't know if he'll
ever be back.  But he left what he knew with me.  And he took my
knowledge with him.  Just as he promised"

She touched his cheek.  She couldn't tear her gaze from his.

His gaze didn't falter.  "What do you see?"

Relief filled her at last, as if a question had been asked and
answered.  " " Stefan.  "

He nodded gravely.  "But I'm changed, Lindsey.  I'm still Stefan, but
I'm not the same."

"I know."  "

" There was so much I never understood !  "

"And now you do?"

"Not everything.  Everything Alden and I knew was still only a small
part of the universal puzzle.  But I think I know enough now..."

"

" To cure me?  "

"Yes."

"Do you really think so?"

"I can't make promises.  But I understand so much more.  There are so
many ways in which doctors have been wrong, so many treatments and
approaches that were nothing more than superstitions left over from
another era.  And now that I understand exactly what's happening to
you, how your body is changing... I think... I know..."

He touched her forehead with his fingertips, resting his thumbs under
her chin to steady her.  He shut his eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"Shh..:'

She closed her eyes, too.  She could feel heat in his fingertips , and
something more.  Something both powerful and soothing.  Something
infinitely healing.  Hope flared within her.

"Love," she said softly.

He opened his eyes, and they were bright with tears.  " " As close as
any word in our language.  " He kissed her tenderly.

She held on to him and let the power of love infuse her and begin its
healing magic.

Maybe Stefan couldn't make promises.  But in that moment

Lindsey knew she had the only promise she needed.  They were together
for whatever time was theirs to share.

And no one in the universe could ask for more.