FEARLESS: Live Without Excuses and Love Without Regret
by
Rhonda Britten


To protect privacy, pseudonyms have been used and certain
characteristics have been disguised in the case histories recounted.

DUTTON Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Putnam Inc."  375 Hudson
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Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5TZ, England Penguin
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Fearless Living TM is the trademark of Rhonda Britten.

First Printing, April, 2001 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 Copyright @ Rhonda
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Britten, Rhonda.  Fearless living: live without excuses and love
without regret / by Rhonda Britten.

p. cm.  ISBN 0-525-94579-2 (alk.  paper) 1. Fear.  2. Change
(Psychology) 1. Title.

BF575.F2 B75 2001

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My mother wasn't able to live her nezvfoundfreedom for long.  Yet by
her example, I was able to pick up where she left off.

This work is my gift to her Thank you for giving me the courage to
liveftarlessly.

I love you, Mom.

CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction:

My Story

Part One: What Are You Afraid Of?

1. What Is Fear?

2. The Wheel of Fear

3. The Wheel of Freedom

4. Fearjunkies

5. Your Fearbuster Team

Part Two: The Fearless Living Program

6. No Expectations

7. No Excuses

8. No Complaining

9. No Beating Yourself Up

10.  The Fearless Path

Gratitudes

PREFACE

If you have ever been too threatened by failure to go for something you
want ... too apprehensive to share your feelings ... too comfortable
with your success to take a chance on making your life better ... too
intimidated to stand up for yourself when someone is putting you down
... too afraid that you're unlovable to end a bad relationship ... too
nervous about getting hurt to risk trusting another ... too sensitive
to criticism to speak out and be counted ... too worried about losing
your children's devotion to put your foot down ... too fainthearted to
strike out in a new direction because you think you might not be up to
the challenge ... then what you are about to read has the power to
change your life.

And you are far from alone.  In the course of my career as a speaker
and life- and career-coach, I have discovered that the vast majority of
people, no matter how confident they appear to be, harbor paralyzing
fears that lurk beneath the surface of their psyches.  These inner
demons are always at the ready to whisper skeptical objections and
plant doubts about anything that might shake up the status quo: Do you
really think you should do that?  Are you ready for a big step like
this?  Why don't

x Preface you get somebody else's opinion?  Are you sure you're not
getting in over your head?  What will people say?

These menacing messages, whether we are conscious of them or not, allow
us to rationalize that we are better off not taking those chances. This
does not apply to clinical emotional disorders such as depression and
anxiety that require professional help.  I am not advocating
recklessness.  I mean the virtually universal human tendency to make
excuses and deny the type of fears that hold us back.  Those subtle,
gnawing fears that make up what I call the Wheel of Fear control our
lives in myriad unseen ways.

Even little incidents along the way can contribute to your fears.  The
time you were accidentally separated from your mother in the grocery
store when you were five years old may have been the beginning of a
fear of being abandoned.  The cruel words of a childhood bully might
have added to your fear that you are stupid.  The criticism of a Little
League coach when you were doing the best you could may have made you
fear that you're worthless.  Fearless Living is a program that will
teach you to recognize and master those fears.  Mastering fear does not
imply you will never experience fear again.  But rather, you will know
what actions to take to move beyond your fear at will and the frequency
of occurrence will diminish.

As for more extreme traumas, I'm living proof that the most unspeakable
of experiences can be harnessed as a force for hope.  Before I went on
the Oprah show to reveal at last the terrible secret you'll read about
in the Introduction, I had already established my personal program of
self-growth to overcome a troubled past.  Alcoholism, nervous
breakdowns, and suicide attempts were the misguided efforts I had
previously used to deal with my fears.  Yet as a result of my program,
my self-destructive behavior has become a mere memory.  I am astounded
as I look upon my own life now.  I see loving friendships, healthy
family relations, a handsome income, a beautiful home, and creative
fulfillment through my speaking engagements, books, videos, and
audiotapes.  Most important, my sense of self is always in Preface *::
xi tact, breeding self-confidence, personal power, and clarity of
purpose.  In short, my life is governed by freedom.

I designed Fearless Living to help you triumph over the fear that
prevents you from living a fulfilling life.  As of this writing,
thousands of people have attested to the life-changing payoffs acquired
by following the Fearless Living program.  Instead of theories and
concepts, Fearless Living entails practical applications for real-life
situations that will work for you.  In Part One, you will learn how
your individualized fears operate, perpetuate, and manifest.  In Part
Two, you will discover the power behind your day4o-day actions and
uncover how they sustain your fears or help you move beyond them.

There is no "right" time to begin living fearlessly.  Wherever you are
is the perfect place to start.  So get ready to take ajourney that will
transform your life.

Welcome to the world of Fearless Living.

Rhonda Britten June 2000

FEARLESS

Fear is a killer.  It kills hopes.  It kills dreams.  It kills
careers.  It kills relationships.  In a flash, it killed my parents. It
almost killed me.

How is it killing you?

NTRODUCTION

My Story steady downpour pummeled the windowpanes of my childhood
bedroom in northern Michigan on a chilly June morning.  I snuggled
deeper under the warmth and comfort of my blankets, wishing I didn't
have to face what lay ahead.  The year was 1975 and I was fourteen.
Father's Day back then in my little hometown meant families trooping to
have brunch at local restaurants where buffets were considered the
height of elegance.  Part of me was looking forward to the salad bar
and the slices of roast beef, but I dreaded the get-together.  My
parents had been separated for almost a year.  This obligatory reunion
with my father was sure to be strained.

I wondered whether my two sisters, and for that matter my mother, felt
as uneasy as I did.  Still, I told myself, nothing really upsetting was
going to happen.  We'd be in public, after all.  Everyone would be on
their best behavior.  In spite of all that had gone on between my
parents behind closed doors, they had always been very good at putting
up a front.  They cared too much about what the neighbors might
think.

Reassured, I threw the covers off, got up, and picked out the white
cotton dress my mother had finished making for me only

W

2 *i'z Introduction days before.  An accomplished seamstress, she took
pride in outfitting her girls.  I treasured everything she created, but
this dress was one of my favorites.  She had sewn me a long white scarf
with black polka dots, an accessory that made me feel very
sophisticated.  I wrapped it around my neck as a kind of testimony of
her love.  In return, I loved her so much that it almost hurt.  I have
a photograph of just the two of us taken before my younger sister,
Linda, was born.  My mother was holding me on her hip.  My little head
was leaning on her shoulder.  On the back she had written, "When you
were the baby of the house, Rhonda."  The image and the message gave me
strength and a sense of being very special.  I looked at the picture
and read her words whenever the trials of teenage life started to get
to me.

On that Sunday morning, I had gotten dressed, and while my sisters were
still fighting over the bathroom, I walked by my mother's room.  She
spotted me through the open door.

"Oh, you look so pretty!"  she said with a lilt in her voice.

"Come in.  I want to show you something."

My heart skipped a beat.  As the middle child, I cherished every moment
when I was alone with my mother.  She put down her omnipresent coffee
mug after taking one more sip, and did the rest of her makeup.  I
perched on the bed, careful not to rumple the spread, and watched her
smooth the rouge into her cheeks after gliding the blue shadow over her
lids.  Even without the help of cosmetics, she was a true beauty.  I
wanted to grow up to be exactly like her.

"How's the new boyfriend?"  she asked after she had put on her lipstick
and spritzed herself with perfume.

Girl talk.  I was thrilled by this private, intimate moment.

"Okay," I giggled.

"So far, anyway.  How's Bill?"  Her eyes lit up.  Bill was my mother's
first attempt at finding love again, and my sisters and I approved.  He
was a big man with a heart to match.  Since meeting him, my mother
smiled a whole lot more.

"That's what I wanted to show you," she said, dusting off her

Introduction AL" 3 "PIF hands and reaching for something in the basket
beside her.  She held up a blue-and-red-striped polo shirt.

"I made it for Bill's birthday," she said.

"Do you think he'll like it?"

"Oh, yes!  It's perfect!"  I said, feeling like my mother's friend and
daughter all at the same time.

That's when the doorbell rang, shattering the coveted on eon-one
connection with my mother.

"Your father is here," she said, quickly folding the polo shirt and
hiding it under the bed.  Neither of us wanted any evidence of Bill in
the room.  My father, unable to let my mother go, was wildly jealous of
her relationship with Bill.

"Go let your father in.  I'll be right there," she continued.  Her
expression said the rest: Be nice, put on a smile, give your father a
hug, and keep our little secret.

I stood up.  After a reluctant pause, I began moving toward the front
door as my mother had asked.  My father had called me a week before
Father's Day, even though I hadn't spoken with him in months, asking me
to come and live with him.  I had begged off.  Why me?  He loved Linda,
my little sister, the best.  Once, when I had somehow irritated him, he
had chased me and pinned me down, putting his hands around my throat.
My screams had brought Linda to the scene.  Because of her, he had
released me.  Yet now he wanted me, not Linda.  He said I would thank
him someday.  For the suffering?  Did he think that would make me a
better person?

I opened the front door.  The rain had slowed to a drizzle.  My father
stood on the stoop, a little damp but looking absolutely wonderful and
normal-exactly the way I remembered him from when I was a little girl.
There was no sign of the angry, troubled man I had come to expect.
Pleased and relieved, I felt compelled to hug him after I ushered him
inside.

As he entered, my mother came toward us, shrugging into her raincoat
and saying something about wanting to warm up her car.  The yellow 1973
Buick Apollo was a gleaming symbol of MY mother's newfound freedom.
Leaving my father after almost

two decades of verbal abuse had proved to be an incredibly liberating
experience for her.  Mom was a farm girl who had never learned to drive
anything other than a tractor.  Getting her driver's license and buying
that Apollo had been a crucial step toward her independence.  I
watched, smiling, as she dashed through the raindrops with her car keys
in hand.

Then I glanced at my father.  His eyes were following my mother, who
was dodging puddles on the way to her car.

Abruptly he said, "I'll be right back.  I need to get my coat from my
trunk."

He loped across the lawn to his car.  It was parked a couple of feet
from my mother's.  I opened my mouth to call to my sisters that we were
just about ready to leave.  Before I could utter a syllable, I saw my
father pull not a coat but a rifle from the trunk of his car.

Every second that passed as I made my way from the door frame onto the
edge of the porch is burned into my mind forever.  My breath stopped.
My heart stopped.  My father was yelling at my mother, "You made me do
this."  His hand wrapped around the rifle stock, the barrel aimed
straight at her.

"Daddy, don't!"  I screamed.

"Dad, I'll live with you.... Dad, I'll take care of you!"  Oh, my God,
I had to stop him.  Maybe the rain was drowning out my words.  Maybe he
couldn't hear me.

Maybe he didn't care.

My desperate cries did nothing to dissuade him.  His hand tightened
around the trigger as he trapped my mother between the two cars. Still,
I kept pleading, hoping to stop him.  But my voice was powerless.  Why
didn't he hear me?  Why didn't Linda hear me?  He would listen to her. 
Where was she?  And where was my older sister, Cindy?

My mother said hoarsely, "Ron, don't you do this.  Don't you do
this."

"You made me do this," he countered.

"It's all your fault.  You gave me no choice.  If I can't have you, no
one can.  No one will."

While he raged, she looked him squarely in the eye, showing her courage
in the face of the man who had controlled her for

introduction 5 @ W_ so long.  Instinctively, she wrapped her arms
around her body in the vain hope of deflecting what was to come.  As I
watched, I kept running scenario after scenario through my mind.  I had
to save her.  I could jump between her and the gun.  I could do
something to distract him, maybe throw a chair or bang on the metal
garbage pail, and she could run.  But my body was frozen.

Crack!  The sound of the rifle firing tore a hole in my life.
Everything moved so slowly that I felt as though I could reach out and
stop the bullet in flight.  The way my mother looked right before and
after the bullet entered her abdomen is my most vivid memory.  She was
so beautiful and scared and alone.  When the bullet penetrated, she
fell forward ever so slightly, her body wrenched in pain.  She grabbed
her stomach the way you would if you were going to throw up.  I
remember her face, twisted in agony, still eye to eye with her killer.
She was silently begging him to stop.  I think for one part of one
second my father didn't believe what he had done.  I know I must have
been screaming, but all I remember is the surreal silence.

The click of the gun re cocking broke the stillness.  My father's gaze
and the barrel of the gun turned my way.  I was sure it was my time to
die.  But the gun swung back and found my mother again.  As the second
bullet hit, she fell through the open door of her prized car.  The
bullet went straight through her and lodged in the steering wheel.  The
blaring of the car horn ripped into the quiet of a small-town Sunday
morning.  To this day, the sound of a horn has the power to unnerve me
unless I call forth all the inner resources I have stockpiled to free
myself from fear.

The horn was still keening as my father ran toward me.  Rain soaked, he
fell to his knees at my feet, the gun upright at his side.  He rested
his right temple directly against the end of the barrel and pulled the
trigger.  His every motion was seamless, as if he had planned and
rehearsed diligently for this final act.  The sound of the gunshot at
close range was deafening.  My father's blood splattered on the white
dress that was my mother's last gift to me.  His body collapsed beside
me.

W

The only sound was my own harsh breathing, waking me up to the
realization that what had happened was not a dream.  It was real.  I
began to shudder.  In that moment, I was gripped by a potent fear that
I didn't deserve to be alive.  Why was I still standing?  After all, my
father had proved that I wasn't worth living for.  In fact, I wasn't
even worth killing.  And I-the only person on the scene-had failed as
my mother's savior.  What earthly use was I anyway?

I turned and retreated into the house, heading for the sanctuary of my
mother's bedroom where just a few minutes earlier I had felt safe and
singled out for her confidences.  I got down on my knees, and folded my
hands against the bedspread.  The scent of her perfume was still in the
air.  I prayed with all the faith I had ever had.

"Please, God," I begged, "don't let her be dead."  Yet I knew even then
that she was already gone.

The news traveled fast through our little town.  Arrangements were made
and within hours we were at my aunt's house.  I am told that I was
hysterical, then silent.  I suppose I changed out of the bloodstained
dress.  I remember very little from the time I knelt to pray until
hours later.  I vaguely recall phoning my boyfriend and blurting out
what had happened, but after that everything is just blank.  My aunt
had convinced Cindy to put me on medication.  I took the pill, more for
their sake than for mine.  But I refused to eat.  These people, my
relatives, were convinced that if I would just eat, things would be
better.

They had no idea.  I had failed to save my mother.  I didn't deserve
sustenance.  Each mental replay admonished me more.  In a haze of
medication and self-loathing, I kept thinking I could have done
something to stop my father from killing my mother.  I could have
stepped in front of the gun.  I could have figured out something better
to say.  At the very least, I could have run over to the car where she
lay slumped against the steering wheel.  Maybe she had been waiting for
me to come to her.  If I had gotten to her, maybe she would have pulled
through.  But I had left her there.  Looking back, I know that part of
the fear

Introduction -Aih, 7 Wkthat was etching itself into the very essence
of my being was the idea that everyone else blamed me as well.  Perhaps
they were even pointing the finger at me for what my father had done.
After all, he had once told me that it was all my fault that my mother
had left him.  I had no idea what he meant, but that didn't stop me
from being afraid that he was right.

And yet that evening, as I did every Sunday, I went to the local indoor
ice rink.  Continuing with the routine I had always known seemed like
the only thing to do.  I didn't get much skating in, though.  Once I
got to the rink, I had to take care of my friends.  They had shown up
not knowing what to do or say.  At first, they shifted from one foot to
the other and avoided my eyes.  This was a pattern with which I would
become all too familiar in the months and years ahead.  In a world
where almost nothing was unmentionable any longer, a murder-suicide
especially one involving your parents and certainly if you were the
only witness-turned out to be the last taboo.

Finally, my friend Julie let herself react.  She hugged me, sobbing
into my shoulder.  I was glad she was crying.  My fear was already hard
at work, keeping me from sharing my real feelings.  I held her, letting
her vent her grief and fury, all the while keeping mine in.  I was
afraid that if I let them loose, the world would not be able to
withstand my heartache.  I was afraid of myself.  Afraid to be human.
The consequences were too terrible to imagine.

The next day, Cindy@- _who at eighteen had become the one in
charge-left Linda and me with our aunt while she and my mother's friend
Sharon went back to the house to get some of our things.  Cindy told me
later that when they were in the bedroom, Sharon started to cry at the
sight of my mother's favorite mug on the vanity, half full of coffee
long since gone cold.  I never got to see the mug.  I wish I had.  But
no one would let me go back to the scene of the crime.  They all
thought they had to protect me.  They meant well, but they didn't
understand.  After what I had seen, the damage was already done.  The
fear had become part of me, feeding on the ordinary fears I already
had

until it was a force that dictated my every thought and every action.
One minute, I had been a young girl in the cocoon of her mother's love
with my dreams stretching into a future full of possibilities.  The
next, I was not only an orphan but also the person who hadn't prevented
my parents' tragic deaths.  I wanted to scream, "You can't keep me
safe!  It's too late for that!"  But the fear choked me and kept the
words inside.  After a while, the fear was so completely in control
that I didn't even know what the words were anymore.  I only knew that
I must never, ever unleash them.

Monday went by in a blur.  My sisters say we picked out the caskets.
I'll have to take their word for it.  Visitation and viewing at the
funeral home were on Tuesday.  That I remember in ex exquisite detail.
All afternoon, with my pen in hand and a smile on my face, I politely
guided each person to the guest books, one for my father and one for my
mother, and pointed out the next available space.  While my sisters
milled around among the mourners, I played "hostess with the mos test I
remember crying very little during that time, feeling a deep obligation
to tend to all these people who had so loved my mother, or my father,
or both.  I had to make sure they were okay.  If I couldn't save my
parents, at least I could do that much.

After the majority of people had arrived, my sisters and I sat in the
family section of the funeral home and received condolences together.
When it was time for us to say our final farewells before the caskets
were closed, the funeral director pulled a red velvet curtain around us
for privacy.  I said good-bye to my father and I remember looking at
him with amazement.  There was no indication that he had shot off part
of his head.  I had never imagined that I would be having a
conversation with my self regarding funeral directors' artistic
abilities, but they should get an award, I thought.

Yet if I was detached as I looked at my father's body, I was profoundly
moved by the vision of my mother.  It is seared into my brain.  I
scanned every part of her, afraid I might miss something.  She wore her
favorite long evergreen dress with white

Introduction 9 Pl V polka dots, the one she had bought for the first
Christmas party she gave on her own after the separation.  Mom had
spent more money than she usually allowed.  The gown had been a gift to
herself, one of her small acts of freedom during her brief re reprieve
from a life of fear.

Her hair and makeup were perfect.  My mind flashed back to the Sunday
morning only a few days earlier when I had sat on the bed, watching her
"put on her face," as she called it.  How could it be that this simple
pleasure, and all the rest of life's miracles, would never be hers
again?

The funeral director reappeared, rousing me from my reverie.  He took
my mother's engagement and wedding rings off her hands and gave them to
Cindy.  Then I saw that Cindy had put her class ring on my mother's
finger.  And Linda had placed one of her most beloved bracelets on my
mother's wrist.  Both pieces of jewelry were gifts to take to the Great
Beyond.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Nobody had told me about this!  I
felt so betrayed, as though I had been slapped in the face, yet so
ashamed that I hadn't thought of this gesture myself.  Was this my
sisters' way of punishing me for not saving Mom?  Then I stopped
myself.  This moment was about my mother, not me.  My pain had to wait.
The urgency of the situation called for immediate action.  I knew that
if my mother were buried without a symbol of my love, I could never
forgive myself.  What did I have to give her?

The answer came to me quickly.  My boyfriend had given me a promise
ring just two weeks earlier, a pearl set in silver.  I had been
secretly longing for that ring.  It was the most valuable thing I
owned.  I twisted the ring off and placed it on Mom's little finger.  I
had righted a wrong the best way I knew how.  I was so angry that my
sisters hadn't included me, but I also knew I could never express my
shame to anyone, ever.  I buried it along with my feeling of
worthlessness.

The funerals were on Wednesday, the day that would have been my
parents' twentieth wedding anniversary.  I insisted on singing at their
funerals.  My mother had always called my voice

W

10 *"-Introduction a gift from God.  She had swelled with pride when I
was invited to join the senior-high chorus the year I was still in
seventh grade.  She made sure I had lessons, and she was as thrilled as
I was when my voice teacher recommended that I attend the 1975 summer
session at the world-renowned Interlochen Arts Center near Traverse
City.  That was to have been my first time away from home, a big step
toward the career that my mother was sure was my destiny.  The least I
could do now was to sing a memorial tribute.

I picked a song called "Thank You" intending to sing it at both
funerals.  The irony of that title for my father's funeral was lost in
my denial.  I truly believed I had instantly forgiven him.  Even so, I
did not shed a tear during his 1:00 Pm.  service.  After we laid him in
the ground, we had a scant half an hour before my mother's funeral
began at 3:00 Pm.  During that brief interval, I realized which song I
had to sing for her.  My mom's favorite was Olivia Newton john's hit "I
Honestly Love You."  I had been chosen to sing it with my friend Tammy
as a duet for a choir concert earlier that year.  Afterward, my mom had
asked me to sing it whenever anyone stopped over.

Everyone tried to talk me out of going ahead with my plan, but I was
determined.  I grabbed Tammy and convinced her we had to do it.  She
agreed.  I don't know whether someone went to her house to get the
music or if someone went to mine.  As I said, it was a small town.  We
both lived within minutes of the church.  In any case, we got the music
and rehearsed it once in the church meeting hall.  Then I took my place
with my sisters outside the sanctuary, greeting family and friends.

From the minute my mother's funeral began, tears streamed down every
cheek and great wails of grief punctuated the proceedings.  When it was
my time to sing, I had to make my way from the front pew all the way
back down the aisle and then up the steps to the choir loft in the rear
of the church.  So that I wouldn't break down, I deliberately avoided
any eye contact.  My aunt had begged me to take a pill before the
funerals, but I had refused.

I wanted to be completely myself and totally awake to

Introduction I I my feelings.  I wanted to remember everything.  I
didn't want to sing on drugs.  I didn't want to cry on drugs.  I didn't
want to see my mother for the last time on drugs.

In a strong and clear soprano, while Tammy's voice harmonized with
mine, I sang the song for my mother, to my mother.  I sang it with
every ounce of my being.  There is a place near the end of the lyrics
where I spoke the words "I love you," followed by a long pause.  In my
silence, the congregation could not contain the sobs that told of their
grief and their compassion.  The sounds of sadness swelled into a
lamentation I can hear to this day.

As I returned to my seat, all eyes were on me.  Everyone was surprised
I had pulled it off, but I wasn't.  I'd had to do it.  The song was the
last gift I would give to my mother.  It had to be perfect, and it
was.

Nothing after that moment was perfect for many years to come.  At the
cemetery, the emotional dam that had been holding back my tears finally
broke.  The brilliant sunlight and the fresh breeze off of Lake
Superior seemed to mock the unbearable ache in my heart.  I threw
myself on my mother's coffin, crying "Don't leave me!  Please don't
leave me!"  My grandmother, a formidable woman with a no-nonsense
philosophy of life, wrenched me off the casket and said, "That will be
enough of that.  It's over."  As she led me away, her hand in a vice
like grip on my wrist, the fear that it was not right to be me took a
firm hold over my life.

The more that people tried to shield me from my pain, the more
frightened I became of my own feelings and the harder I worked at
keeping them in check.  Many relatives became remote.  Friends
disappeared.  I felt totally left out.  People hushed when I entered a
room.  I remember overhearing adults prep visitors.

"Be careful not to bring up the subject of parents," they would say.  I
developed a sense of shame about sharing my story with anyone.  I was
terrified that I would be accused of not having stopped my parents'
deaths.  I was afraid of who I was.

W

Much later, while attending college on scholarship, I was seen as
normal, a high achiever with much to be proud of.  No one would have
guessed the fears that were running my life.  I kept others at arm's
length to avoid the fear of being discovered and to dodge the
inevitable questions.  Fear was my constant companion, giving me
permission to lie.

"How are your parents?"  someone would ask.

"Just fine," I'd respond.  For a long time, my parents were 'just
fine."  Eventually, in the briefest of terms, I began telling people
what had happened, followed by "..  . but I'm over that now.  I've
handled it.  I'm fine."

At the time, I had talked myself into believing that I was fine.

But I wasn't.  Fear was taking its toll.  I was worried that I would
never have enough money.  I doubted my ability to succeed.  I dreaded
the responsibility of growing up.  I was uncomfortable being alone. Yet
I was anxious about falling in love because I was sure any man would
discover what my father must have already known: I was worthless. My
expectations regarding friendships could never be fulfilled. Intimacy
and trust were elusive.  Love was never part of the picture. I was
easily angered and at times, suicidal.  Although my intellect and body
had survived, my heart and soul were deeply wounded.  Happiness was
beyond my reach.

Nothing I tried-not the therapy I sought, not the books I read, not the
courses I took, not the grief groups I joined showed me how to get
beyond my fears to experience the wholeness I yearned for.  More than
that, I noticed that people from all walks of life had the same
challenges I had.  I began to wonder if maybe this is all there was.  I
took to rationalizing my fear away.

"This must be the way life is.  Everyone else complains, whines, and
moans.  We each have our lot in life.  This must be mine."  I figured
the best I could hope for was camaraderie through my pain.  Maybe
you've felt the same way.  Maybe you have come to the conclusion that
the best you can do is learn to deal with it and try to control it the
best you can.

I believed that for a long time.  Then I began to notice that

there were individuals who did not make choices based in fear.  They
took risks and lived fully.  When I asked them how they did it, they
couldn't articulate it.  They had no formula or pattern.  Sometimes
they were afraid while other times they were able to move past it. With
that knowledge, I became determined to help myself I wanted to know the
answer to the questions "What is fear?"  and "How does it run my life?"
And I wanted more than haphazard freedom.  I wanted more than
understanding.  I wanted actual things to do that would help me get
through my doubts, worries, paralysis, and defensiveness at will. I
wanted to know that my fear hadn't eclipsed any good left within me. It
all started with a calendar and some gold stars.

Each day I would write down exactly what I had done that was kind and
loving to others as well as myself I was vigilant.  At that point, it
was all I had.  At the end of the month my calendar was covered in gold
stars.  I knew I had a fighting chance.  From the seeds of that first
exercise, I have come to realize there is a way to get beyond the fear.
And it isn't always necessary to understand how your fear developed.
What matters is that it did.

We all have our stories, our scars, our wounds, the things that give us
the excuses for why life isn't exactly as we had hoped.  My story may
be more dramatic than others', but the basic fear I experienced as a
result of my parents' deaths is the same basic fear we all have to
confront: We are afraid that-in some if not all areas of our
lives-we're not good enough.

I've learned this, not only because I have overcome the fear that kept
my story in place, but because I have worked with countless clients who
have mastered their fears as well.  Of course, people don't walk into
my office with the insight to say, "I'm afraid they'll find out I'm not
good enough."  But that's what they mean when they say, "I'm afraid my
husband is going to leave me."  .. . "I'm afraid I'm going to lose my
job."  .. . "I'm afraid I'm going to end up homeless."  ... "I'm afraid
my kids aren't going to turn out well."..  . "I'm afraid I'm never
going to do anything that makes a difference."  .. . "I'm afraid I'm
not going to live up to my parents' expectations ........ I'm afraid
to

W

open up my own business."

"I'm afraid to get involved with anybody."  .. . "I'm afraid people
will make fun of me."  .. . "I'm afraid to speak up."  ... "I'm afraid
I will never fulfill my potential."

Even people who become highly successful by societal standards are not
immune.  Why, after all, do celebrities suffer from stage fright other
than because they fear that a performance won't be good enough?  As for
the rest of us, just about any situation can call up that basic fear
that we're not good enough.  What keeps a man from asking a woman out
on a date?  What makes someone put off sending out resumes in order to
get a better job?  What makes a mother find reasons to blame herself
when a child is sickly or gets a failing grade or doesn't have any
friends?  Why does a person who has put on a little weight come up with
excuses not to go for a checkup that would mean stepping on a scale in
front of a nurse or doctor?

There are a lot of words we could use to define specific aspects of the
fear of not being good enough.

"Unlovable,"

"inadequate,"

"stupid,"

"untalented,"

"worthless,"

"weak willed," and "loser" come to mind.  The label doesn't matter. Any
definition that rings true for you is fine.  What does matter, as I
have seen over and over again with my clients, is that once people
recognize the basic fear, all of the offshoot fears are rendered
manageable at last.

Better yet, the fear becomes not an enemy but an ally.  Instead of
causing you to shy away from situations that could result in the sting
of failure, the fear gives you the impetus to take on new challenges.
You no longer spend your time and energy trying to avoid showing the
world you're not good enough.  You move to a level where you respect
and love who you are.  When that happens, you experience an
exhilarating sense of freedom.  You are no longer trapped in the false
security of boredom and routine.  You are released to experience life's
limitless prospects fearlessly, in spite of the fact that failure is
always a possibility.  In the words of legendary sportswriter Grandand
Rice, "When the

One Great Scorer comes LO write against your name He marks not that you
won or lost, but how you played the game."

Fear has been instrumental in setting your course whether your parents
are alive or dead.  Whether you grew up happy or sad, wealthy or poor.
Whether you know it or not.  Fear has developed your likes and
dislikes, picked your friends, and raised your children.  Fear has
limited your potential, excluded possibilities, and controlled your
choices.

We can change that.  What took me years to learn will take you months.
I know this because so many of my clients have done it.  A life worth
living is attainable.  I know, too, because I am living it.  Now is the
time to begin the work that can set you free.  Let's get started....

\020WHAT ARE YOU

AFRAID OF?

Courage faces fear and thereby masters it.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I

What Is Fear?

imagine that you are enjoying a walk in a woodsy area of a state park
on a perfect summer day.  The sun plays in patches on the leafy canopy
overhead and you breathe in the earthy scents carried by a gentle
breeze.  Bird song fills the air.  You are at peace, relaxed, thinking
of nothing in particular.  Out of the corner of your eye, you spot
something in the underbrush next to the path.  It is brown, large, and
coiled.  Your brain registers, Danger!  A snake in the grass!  Your
bodily state changes instantly.  Your heart races, your palms sweat,
your stomach and throat clench, your scalp tingles, your skin prickles
with goose bumps.

What does this have to do with the basic human fear of not being good
enough?  Your body's reaction to fear is the same whether you are faced
with a physical threat or an emotional one.  What happens is that the
hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) system in your brain releases
chemical messengers, namely dopamine and adrenaline.  The HPA also
triggers an outPouring of the hormone cortisol that in turn activates a
small, almond-shaped area of the brain called the amygdala.  Your blood
sugar and blood pressure rise steeply to give you a burst

20 FEARLESS LIVING

of energy.  Your digestive system shuts down so you can use that energy
either to meet the threat head-on or run away from it.

This is the well-known "fight or flight" phenomenon, first described as
such in 1932 by eminent Harvard physiologist Walter B. Cannon.  It is
the most primal of survival mechanisms, not only in humans but in
virtually all species ever studied for the fear response, including
fruit flies and snails.  The problem is that a real or perceived threat
signals the hippocampus-an area near the amygdala-to store the
experience in long-term memory.  That's good in the sense that when you
get visual clues that make you think you see a snake, your body goes
into overdrive and you get out of there fast.

But maybe it wasn't a snake after all.  Maybe it was a fallen tree
branch.  You didn't stop to find out whether the danger was real or
not.  You beat a hasty retreat without even contemplating what you were
doing.  As famed fear researcher Joseph LeDoux put it in his book The
Emotional Brain, there is a "quick and dirty processing pathway" that
"allows us to begin to respond to potentially dangerous stimuli before
we fully know what the stimulus is.... The brain is programmed to
detect dangers, both those that were routinely experienced by our
ancestors and those learned about by each of us as individuals."

Throughout life, we add to our ancestral fears with a long list of
perceived threats born of experience.  We aren't simply afraid of
physical danger, such as snakes or sticks that might be snakes.  We are
afraid of any imagined situation that might evoke a painful emotion. We
run away from the danger of being failures, of being ridiculed, of
being rejected, of being belittled, of being embarrassed, of being
played for a fool.  In the same way that a child who accidentally
touches a hot iron will never do so again, we don't want to risk being
twice burned psychologically and emotionally.  Every negative
experience, however fleeting, can be a lesson in fear that is well
learned by our subconscious minds.  The result is the all-too-familiar
heart-racing and palm sweating, as well as suppression of the immune
system and of

activity in areas of the brain concerned with short-term memory,
concentration, inhibition, and rational thought.  When this happens on
a daily basis over many years, mental, emotional, and physical health
are clearly in jeopardy.  So are the ability to function at peak
capacity and the simple ability to enjoy life.

That's where Fearless Living comes in.  LeDoux's research mainly with
rats conditioned to fear a sound previously associated with an
electrical shock-has shown that erasing the memories of fear is in all
likelihood not feasible.  But the difference between rats and humans is
that we have something called "consciousness," which is our ability to
be aware.  When we become aware of how fear is running our lives and
what our fears are, we have the power to break free of our conditioning
and make choices about how we behave.  Otherwise, our unconscious minds
and our conditioning decide for us, just as they do for the rats.
Fearless Living will show you how to outsmart fear rather than allowing
the memory of fear or fear itself to determine your life.  As LeDoux
says, "It is thus completely possible that one might have poor
conscious memory of a traumatic experience, but at the same time form a
very powerful implicit, unconscious memory of a traumatic
experience.... We may not be able to get rid of the implicit
memories."

I agree.  Whether we have a clear recollection of a traumatic
experience-as I do of my parents' deaths-or whether the trauma is not
something we remember vividly, the memory is in the unconscious mind
ready to invoke fear.  You can't delete your amygdala's personal cache
of fear-laden triggers.  Yet I know that you can go beyond the fear. My
clients have done it.  I have done it.  You can too.

Fearless Living Means Moving Beyond the Fear Let's start with my
definition of "fear": Fear is both the cause and effect of the
feelings, thoughts, or actions that prohibit you from accepting
yourself and realizing your full potential.  Fear

stands between you and your ability to go anywhere you like, do
anything you want, and meet anyone you please.  To help you stay safe,
fear motivates you to hide your essential nature by thwarting your
ability to express yourself truthfully.

Renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow, in his classic work Toward a
Psychology of Being, described the process in this way: "This kind of
fear is defensive, in the sense that it is a protection of our
self-esteem.... We tend to be afraid of any knowledge that could cause
us to despise ourselves, or to make us feel inferior, weak, worthless,
evil, shameful.... We also tend to avoid personal growth because this,
too, can bring another kind of fear... This is the struggle against our
own greatness.... Thus to discover in oneself a great talent can
certainly bring exhilaration but it can also bring a fear of the
dangers and responsibilities.... The moment of fright is
understandable, but it must be overcome."

Fearless Living is about helping you do precisely that, not just once
but as a way of life.  Fear's function is to keep you from getting
hurt, but in so doing fear also keeps you from becoming your best and
truest self Fear has been with you all along, filing away all the hurt
and heartbreak-the time you didn't make the cheerleading squad or the
way you were teased about your accent or the fact that you were ignored
by the people who were supposed to love you the most.

Fear heard you cry, "I don't ever want to feel like that again."  It
took you seriously.  It became determined to keep you safe.  It assumed
the role of guardian of your feelings.  Now, when a situation presents
itself in which you think you may not be accepted for who you are, fear
flashes warnings, telling you, "Don't go there.  Don't do that.  And
definitely, don't say that."  You could potentially experience
rejection, disappointment, or the feeling that you're foolish.
Dangerous!

Fear's number-one job is to guard you against any negative feelings
that would confirm your worst fear-that you are not good enough.  This
perpetuates your inability to accept yourself.

Yet deep down, we want to own our power and strength and courage.  In
order to do that, we must embrace the fullness of who we are, and that
includes our limitations.  Again, fear sees that as a little on the
risky side.

Think of it this way: Fear is the gatekeeper of your comfort zone. Your
comfort zone is whatever is familiar to you.  As a little child, your
comfort zone was your mother's lap.  You ventured away out of curiosity
but scurried back to safety when you felt threatened.  Now your comfort
zone is the people you already know, the routines you're used to, the
places where you feel at home.  Whether these are bad, good, happy, or
sad is immaterial rial  As the old saying goes, "Better the devil you
know than the devil you don't know."  People stay for years in bad
marriages, boring jobs, and other belittling situations because
breaking the bond to the familiar and trying something new feels too
scary.  Your comfort zone is what you are comfortable with, where you
feel safe.

But how satisfying is safe?  Fear keeps us from feeling alive when
there's a danger of not being accepted, approved, or understood.
Therefore we deny our essential nature.  Fear doesn't know you are an
adult who craves adventure and love and fulfillment.  It doesn't know
that you could handle it from here.  That is why a crisis is sometimes
what's necessary to shake up your world and give you the courage you
need to show your fear who's boss.

The crisis in your life that gets you started on the journey from fear
to freedom need not be as obvious or life shattering as mine.  But
there is almost certainly some level of crisis manifesting itself in
your life right now.  Maybe you are simply sick of letting yourself
down or listening to your own excuses.  Perhaps You've had enough of
never finding the courage to stand up for Yourself.  It could be that
you are through with neglecting yourself, or you are fed up with being
walked on, or you can't face Putting up a front to keep the peace with
your boss, coworkers, family, spouse, or kids one more time.  Maybe you
are tired of

not earning what you're worth just because you can't bring yourself to
put a real value on your contribution and ask for that raise or
promotion.  Perhaps you are tired of being dependent on others or doing
everything alone.  Maybe you've had it with letting other people take
public credit for work that you've done behind the scenes.  You may not
even be able to pinpoint what's going on, but you know something isn't
quite working.  Your soul yearns for more.  That's all we need to get
you started.

Meredith's Story Meredith's crisis started years ago, but she ignored
the warning signs until she was forced to face it the night her husband
walked out on her after eighteen years of marriage.

"There's got to be more to life than this," he said.

"All we ever talk about is the kids' homework and how we're going to
pay the bills and what kind of fertilizer to use.  Apparently this is
enough for you.  Well, it's not enough for me."

Meredith opened her mouth but no words came out.  Fear strangled her.
How would she manage on her own?  What would people think of her when
they found out she hadn't made a go of her marriage?  What was it about
her that had driven Phil away?  If he didn't love her after all they
had shared, who could?

"Look, there's no point in dragging this on any longer," Phil
continued.

"I'm going to stay with my brother for a while.  We'll work everything
out down the line about the money and the custody and stuff."

"Is there someone else?"  Meredith finally managed to whisper.

"No, no, that's not it," Phil said.

"The thing is, I just can't stay here and let life pass me by."

He opened the door and she caught a whiff of the crisp evening air. She
heard the crunch of the car wheels on the blacktop as he backed out of
the driveway.  And then he was gone.

The children, twelve-year-old Lucy and ten-year-old Sam,

were asleep upstairs.  Meredith sat immobile at the kitchen table,
grappling first with the terror of being a single mother and then with
anger at Phil for leaving her like this.  Meredith had always been a
loyal wife and a devoted mother.  Her mind reeled with the realization
that this was actually happening to her after eighteen years of putting
her husband and children first.  When she had wanted to take a painting
class at the local community college, her husband had pointed out that
canvas and paint were expensive.  She never mentioned the idea again.
Fear, disguised as reason, told her that Phil knew best when it came to
family finances.  Anyway, she shouldn't spend money on something
selfish.  And when she went on a trip with her sister, Phil had fussed
about how hard it was when she was gone.  Fear, disguised as
understanding, convinced her that this was the way he showed his love.
And now, after eighteen years, he had as much as said she was
insignificant!

After the divorce was final, Meredith sought me out.  She said she
wanted to "start living."  I knew that she meant she wanted to live
fearlessly.  She had come to the right place.  Over the course of our
sessions together, we discussed the elements of Fearless Living,
including claiming your essential nature, building self confidence and
self-caring, the power of accountability and choice.  As we talked, it
was clear that she had a sense of what she didn't want more than of
what she wanted.  No longer did she want to break promises to herself,
let others have the final word, or put herself last.  She wasn't even
sure what she liked.  She had gotten so used to going along with what
Phil liked that she had assumed her desires and Phil's were one and the
same.  It became evident that Meredith had lived most of her married
life as a people pleaser and, more specifically, as a Phil pleaser.
Meredith hadn't shared any feelings or thoughts that were different
from his in years.  She never confronted him about the way the money
was spent.  She never told him she didn't agree with one or another of
his decisions.  She rarely picked the restaurant they were going to go
to.  Sure, she complained

to her friends about him, but she never shared her frustrations with
Aim or stood up to him.  Then as she began to work the Fearless Living
program, she realized she had been bowing to Phil's wishes in order to
avoid appearing selfish, which was the way she thought she could keep
from experiencing her most dreaded feeling, that of being
insignificant.

That realization began to unravel her world as she started to see how
most of the decisions in her life had been made to avoid feeling
insignificant.  Somewhere fear had rationalized that if she made
everyone else happy, she would be important to them rather than
insignificant.  Therefore, she had thought it was better to accept the
love she had than question whether Phil's love fulfilled her needs.

"That would be too much to ask," she had always felt, "and ungrateful."
Yet ironically, as I helped her to understand, the very reason she had
behaved the way she had for eighteen years was now the very reason Phil
was leaving her.

Scared to Seize the Day The crisis of the divorce was the impetus
Meredith needed to open her eyes to the fact that she had always
expected to be happy in the future.  This is a heartbreakingly common
fallacy.  Far too many people wish their lives away, letting fear keep
them from making the most of every moment.  They are always waiting for
"someday" to come.  As Meredith reasoned, hadn't she always been a good
person and done the "right" thing?

"Someday," she constantly promised herself, "it will be my turn."

Like most of us, Meredith had been waiting for something magical to
happen so she could finally be happy.  Maybe it would be when the kids
left home or when Phil retired.  She wasn't sure.  But her turn never
came until she began doing the Fear buster Exercises in the Fearless
Living program.  Before that, she had never given herself the internal
permission she needed to make her own happiness.  People wait for a
multitude of things:

for the weather to change, the perfect mate to come along, the winning
lottery numbers.  Some are waiting finally to be heard by their
spouses.  Others are waiting to be appreciated by their bosses.  Still
others are waiting to be loved for the first time.  We are waiting.
Waiting for something to change outside of ourselves that sweeps away
the fear of taking a chance or trying something new, something that
would grant us the courage and the permission we need to live with
passion.

We are waiting for a guarantee that if we risk, nothing bad will
happen.  You reason that if only your boss would see that you're a
great asset to the company, then his confidence in you would translate
into increased self-confidence.  And that is exactly what you would
need to have the guts to open the catering business you've always
dreamed about.  Or you figure that if only you had the winning lottery
ticket, then you could chuck the life you have for a whole new persona
with no fear of making a mess of things and ending up homeless.  And of
course if you would only meet Mr.  or Ms.  Right, then you'd finally
have the motivation to lose weight and make a lot of interesting
friends and take your career off hold.  If only ... But there is never
a guarantee.  While we wait for circumstances or people to change that
are outside of our control, we can end up feeling sorry for ourselves,
resentful, or helpless.  Waiting validates our negative self-image.
When we wait, we feel powerless.  When we passively wait, we are living
in fear.

Meredith realized how she had been waiting and wishing for someone to
give her the answers that would "fix" her life.  But no one is in
charge of "saving" Meredith.  When Meredith began mastering her fear,
she no longer was waiting for life to happen to her.  Instead, she
began to make life happen.

I began to make my life happen on the twentieth anniversary Of my
parents' death.  I was thirty-four years old.  I had spent two decades
searching for something or someone to take the pain away.  I had blamed
my parents' deaths for just about everything.  '-low could I be happy
when they were dead?  How could I

flourish after my sisters and I had been left as teenagers to bring
ourselves up with barely any help?  How could I make anything of myself
when my father's point-blank killings had permeated my psyche with the
fear that I wasn't worth the air I breathed?  Yet at last, on that
twentieth anniversary of their deaths, I looked in the mirror and said
to myself, "Your life is up to you."  I knew that after all the work I
had done on my fear by embodying the principles of living fearlessly, I
was ready to own my life.  Only then would I accept myself fully and be
the person I was born to be.

For Meredith, the crisis of her divorce from Phil gave her the courage
and focus she needed to take back her power and become accountable for
her life.  As the Roman poet Horace put it: "Adversity has the effect
of eliciting talents that would otherwise have lain dormant."  The
woman who walked into my office blind to the fact that she had been
petrified of living was now shining from the inside out.  As she
fearlessly stepped out into the world, she began to ask herself the
simple question, "What does Meredith like?"  Sometimes, fear came up as
she tasted freedom and tried new ventures.  But after our work
together, she knew how to face her fear and move beyond it.

Being Willing Makes You Able The first thing I shared with Meredith was
that in order to make any permanent changes, she had to be willing.
Willing to see things differently.  Willing to experience new ideas.
Willing to listen to the people who cheered her on rather than ones who
echoed her fears.  Willing to admit that her fear had been in charge
during her marriage.  When we are willing to shift, move, or
change-whether in one or all areas of life-we open ourselves up to true
transformation.  Not just temporarily, but permanently.

Our resistance to change is a symptom of how strong a hold fear has on
us.  Have you heard this definition of "insanity"?  in

sanity is when you do the same thing over and over again ex expecting
different results.  Well, that is how fear tricks us.  It wants us to
believe that if we only tried harder, then we could get it right.
Before I developed my program, I used to say to myself, "I should know
this.  Why can't I figure this out?  What is wrong with me?  I'm afraid
they'll find out I can't cut it."  I was beating myself up with
negative self-talk, and that lowered my self confidence by making me
afraid I was a loser.  To get rid of that fear, I would make an even
greater effort to succeed by doing more of whatever I had been
doing-taking on more work, promising to meet deadlines I couldn't meet,
saying I got the point when I really didn't.  The thought of trying
anything unfamiliar by taking a risk felt impossible.  I couldn't ask
for help, I couldn't plan a reasonable work load, I couldn't admit I
needed advice.  Each time that happened, fear won again.

Like me, Meredith had listened to fear one too many times.  Yet when
she found herself alone with no one to blame for her life but herself,
she became ready and willing.  I am happy to report that Meredith
invested most of her nest egg in a small antique store that has become
quite profitable.  She loves running the store.  She travels around the
country hunting for antiques, and for over a year she has been dating a
wonderful man who finds her fascinating and shares her newfound passion
for life.  Not bad, especially considering the fact that Meredith had
only held a part-time job during her marriage.  At forty-three,
Meredith finally took some risks.  And she learned to her great joy
that risk is one of the keys that move you from fear to freedom. Taking
risks built Meredith's courage, confidence, and consistency, giving her
the ability to see herself differently.  It propelled her to make more
choices aligned with what was now true for her.  With the insight that
risk is inherent in any change, Meredith moved beyond her fear to live
fearlessly.

The Origins of Fear Our fear, and more precisely what I call our Wheel
of Fear (which will be explained in detail in Chapter 2), begins to de
develop before our first memories.  For example, just about every
firstborn experiences a certain fear of abandonment and betrayal when
the second baby is born.  And plenty of only children acquire very
early on an exaggerated fear of not fulfilling their parents'
expectations of their ideal offspring.  Also, since no one is good at
everything, we have each had our share of failures and frustrations
that instill the fear that we just don't measure up.  Maybe you
struggled to understand algebra, or you didn't get a part in the school
play, or you were hopeless when it came to spelling, or you were the
only one in your crowd without a date for the prom, or you couldn't
kick a soccer ball to save your life.  Never mind that you were a
shining success in other arenas.  Somehow, humiliation trumps approval
every time and proves to you once again that your fear of not being
good enough is true.  In fact, success starts to make you nervous
because you're sure you'll be found out sooner or later.  Even child
prodigies who seem to lead charmed lives can have this reaction.  It's
hard to follow your own act and keep topping yourself There's always
the nagging fear that you've peaked and won't be able to keep this
up.

In my case, the reason that I was propelled onto my Wheel of Fear may
seem obvious.  But no single episode, not even one as traumatic as
witnessing the crime of passion that took my parents' lives, puts a
person on a Wheel of Fear.  Like virtually every body else, I had
already accumulated a series of large and small insults to my ego that
would have put me on the Wheel even without the murder-suicide as a
catapult.

More important, we are all affected not only by what happens in our
lives but by the way key people do or don't help us cope with the
events.  Our parents and the other people who love us want what is best
for us, and therefore they try to protect this.

What Is Fear?  31 @P, V Unfortunately, meaning well and doing a good
job are often poles apart.  The way the adults in a child's life handle
fear provoking situations often exacerbates the fear.  My relatives had
no idea how to handle the murder-suicide, so we did not talk about it
for over twenty years.  After my grandmother lifted me off of my
mother's coffin where I was sobbing inconsolably, and shushed me, my
aunts and uncles tacitly agreed with her that I needed to stop wailing
and get ahold of myself At fourteen, I had no permission to cry or talk
about what had happened ever again.  Period.  The message I received
from this rule laid down by the adults in my life was "It is not okay
to express who I am."  Or put another way, "The people I value won't be
proud of me if I am who I am."

That is one of the chief messages that formed my Wheel of Fear.
Somewhere along the line, messages you received from adults in your
life went into forming your Wheel of Fear as well.  Maybe you were a
tomboy who was dragged to ballet lessons because your mother didn't
want you to play baseball even though you loved it and were good at it.
Maybe you were a gifted visual artist who was pushed into sports by
your father the jock.  Maybe you showed your English teacher the
beginnings of a science fiction novel and were told you should set your
sights on a more practical career.  Whatever the particulars, you no
doubt haven't thought about any of the incidents for years and years.

False Perceptions Based on Fear And that's just fine.  You don't need
to know what the cumulative events were that added up to your fear that
it's not acceptable to be you and that you're not good enough.  As we
move along, you'll learn how to overcome the fear whether you are aware
of its roots or not or, as LeDoux put it, "have a poor conscious
memory" of the event.  What I am interested in is how Your fear does
what I call "filtering."  If you're afraid you're unlovable and someone
says, "I love you," you'll pass the words

through your filter and all that will be left in the sieve, so to
speak, is your reaction: "But you don't know I'm not worthy of your
love."

Here's another example.  I have one client, Anna, who is an
administrative assistant.  She told me that when her boss asks her to
do anything new, she invariably feels as though she is too stupid and
too slow so she will surely fail.  Anna grew up with a mother who was
old-school strict, constantly berating her and seldom giving
compliments.  Consequently, Anna passes com compliments through her
filter and all she gets is her reaction: "He doesn't know what he is
talking about.  I hope I don't get caught.  Any success I have had has
been pure luck with very little chance of a repeat performance."  Anna
is smart and very able to handle any task brilliantly, but her
fear-based filtering system makes her believe her feeling that she's
not very capable or accomplished after all.  Put another way, based on
her fear driven filtering system, Anna's perception is that her boss is
mistaken when he says she's good.  She fears that she'll never live up
to what's expected of her.  She feels incompetent, even phony.  She
minimizes anything positive in her life.  Secretly, she wonders when
she will be fired.  Yet the truth is that she's good.

Each of us has a unique filtering system, but the mechanics of the
system are always the same.  Your filtering system may leave you with
the perception that you are being taken advantage of when in fact you
have been afraid to say no.  You may have the perception that you have
no choice but to accept your lot in life when in fact you are afraid to
risk change and possible rejection.  And to keep those perceptions in
place, you need to build evidence to support them.

Proof That Your Perceptions Are Correct Anna had amassed plenty of
evidence to support her perception that the boss was wrong when he said
she was good.  She reminded herself often that she does not have A+
typing skills.

What Is Fear?  '1"-- 33 PM She always took longer to finish a task
than anyone else in the office.  And anytime she started to think about
asking for a raise, she would remember that humiliating moment when she
had forgotten to make her boss's plane reservations for their yearly
corporate meeting.  He wasn't able to attend the opening keynote.  He
was not happy.  How much more proof did she need that it was silly to
believe any compliments from her boss?  He was just being kind in
keeping her.

Human beings are experts at building evidence to uphold their
fear-based beliefs.  Let's say you are afraid that computers are too
hard for you to understand.  In turn, you believe you could never learn
to use computers.  Now whenever you see an article in the paper about
how difficult technology is, you read it and nod your head.  Suspicion
confirmed!  But if you see a headline that promises an article about
the way elderly people at senior day care centers are mastering
computers with ease, you skip right past that-not on purpose
necessarily, but unconconsciously.  You don't want your fear to be
challenged or disproved.  You're nice and safe believing what you
believe, thank you very much.  In fact, you'll even go out of your way
to find evidence to support that belief.  If you have a friend who is a
computer geek, you'll ask questions that will get that person to
elaborate on the perils and pitfalls of his profession.  You'll listen
eagerly to his stories about system crashes and lost data, all the
while filtering out his evident satisfaction at solving those problems.
Then you'll say to yourself, "Aha!  I was right."

Admit Your Perceptions Aren't Working And that is what fear likes to
hear, because fear has a secret weapon: it knows you like to be proven
right.  It filters all the information you receive so that you
invariably accept only what aligns with what you already know.  Fear
uses your desire to be in control, your high standards of
perfectionism, and your effort to look as though you've got it together
to keep yyou justoujust the way

you are.  It tells you what you want to hear, giving you a false sense
of being protected from the outside world.  Being right has become the
way you prove to yourself that your life is all right, that your
decisions are okay, and any mediocrity in your life is not your fault.
It is the basis for your ability to justify your excuses and
complaints, push away responsibility, and blame others for any problems
in your life.

Think about this.  What if your desire to manage, avoid, and deny fear
were actually keeping it in place?  What if your idea of perfection
were keeping you from who you desired to be?  What if your need to look
like a winner were the reason you didn't feel as successful as you
could?  Attempting to manage fear only perpetuates it.  Even if you do
set a goal and reach it, fear minimizes it by bringing up those nagging
doubts and worries.  You're always running scared.  The truth is,
you're afraid of breaking out of your self-imposed limitations because
you are unsure of what lies ahead.  You might fail.  You might get
chastised.  Your hesitation came from the voice of fear asking, "Are
you sure this is what you want?  Do you think you can handle this?"
Fear has won again.  You become convinced that this success was an
accident.  The bottom line is fear can motivate you to try really hard,
and you can get what you tried for, but inherent in fear is the
inability to enjoy what you've got.  The Wheel keeps spinning.

Frank's Story That's what happened to Frank.  He was a hard worker and
ambitious.  Those are two traits that are admirable and sought after,
but he had exhibited those qualities for one reason and one reason
only: Frank was afraid of failure.  He was driven to avoid being seen
as a failure.  That goal consumed him.  To say the least, his life was
out of balance.

Frank is not alone.  Fear keeps many people motivated by reminding them
they could be criticized or be shown to be a fake

Wh a t Is Fe a r ?  *i,$,- 35 if they don't work harder.  Frank would
ask himself daily, "What if I don't accomplish such and such.  What
will 'they' think?"

"They" could be his spouse, parents, the next-door neighbor with the
bigger house, his classmates from college, the boy who teased him when
he was nine, his boss, his kids, or a thousand other people he probably
doesn't even remember.  To keep his fear at bay, Frank ate, drank, and
slept real-estate home sales.  He was consistently "Salesperson of the
Month," but his marriage was in shambles and he didn't even know if his
kids preferred McDonald's or Taco Bell.  Intimacy was not his forte.
Fear was.

Fear creates deceptive results.  On the outside, Frank appeared
successful.  He made six figures a year, his children went to a top
private school, and his picture was plastered on billboards all over
town.  Everyone knew Frank.  But Frank didn't know himself.  He just
kept thinking that if he could make the next sale, then he would have
time to spend with his family.  But the next sale always had another
sale right behind it.  Life was slipping by.

Frank's fear-driven behavior stemmed largely from the fear he inherited
from his father.  Remember what LeDoux said about fear and our
heritage?  Parents can have a huge influence on the way we process
fear.  Frank's father had lost everything in the Depression, and Frank
could still remember how hard his father worked to put food on the
table.  Frank was tutored daily on what it takes to succeed, and the
number-one ingredient was hard work.  The shame his father experienced
when he went broke was not lost on Frank.  The fear of experiencing
that same shame kept Frank going.

The good news is that Frank's ability to be focused, persistent, and go
the extra mile could eventually be used to move him from the Wheel of
Fear to what I call your Wheel of Freedom (which will be explained in
detail in Chapter 3).  When he started the Fearless Living program, I
prescribed homework that was designed to instill in him a willingness
to give up the

perceptions that were keeping his fear in place and to rebuild his
filtering system so that it empowered him rather than diminished him.
That may sound difficult.  But if you, like Frank, have been struggling
with fear every day of your life, learning how to master fear will be
easy by comparison.

Did Frank have to give up his career success to master his fear?  No.
But what he did have to do was face the fact that he wasn't happy, his
wife wasn't happy, his children weren't happy, and his life was not
what he thought, or portrayed, it to be.  I worked with Frank to quiet
the voice of fear that constantly whispered in his ear, "You are going
to lose everything.  The next sale might be your last and then what
will you do?  Every@ one knows that your numbers are just a matter of
luck.  One day your luck will run out and then what?  Everyone will
know the truth about you."  We also had to change his answer: "I'll
show them!"  That internal dialogue was fear talking to fear.  The
minute you let others decide how you are going to act, fear is on
patrol.

When was the last time you accomplished a goal that should" have made
you happy, yet instead left you empty and cold?  Frank wanted success
more than anything.  He believed it would make his life worthwhile and
vindicate his heritage of poverty.  But fear was the only thing pushing
him to succeed.  Fear can be a great motivator, but at the end of the
day, it doesn't necessarily make us feel satisfied or give us peace of
mind.

Love Thyself Of course, Frank's fear of being criticized and of being
seen as a failure is understandable.  Caring what others think about us
is normal.  The desire to belong is basic to human nature.  But in
order to feel like you truly belong, you must accept yourself for who
you are.  That is critical to Fearless Living.  Accepting yourself can
be tough when you aren't at peace with your present state.  But
self-acceptance is necessary in order to have a true sense of
belonging.

Like so many of us, when Frank attempted to connect with people-both
those who were already important to him and those he was hoping to get
to know-he let fear keep him from revealing his essential nature.

"Put up a false front," fear says, "They won't accept you for you."  We
all want approval.  Letting the key players in our lives see that we
are scared or lonely or not sure we're worth loving is almost
unbearable.  Yet unless we allow others to know our truth, fears and
limitations included, there can be no trust and no genuine intimacy.
How can we hope to cultivate friendship, love, and support if we can't
risk being vulnerable enough to let people experience who we really
are?  Acceptance of yourself and others is crucial if fear is going to
loosen its grip on you.

Thriving, Not Just Surviving And fear uses evidence to keep our
filtering systems and perceptions in place.  After my parents died, I
used the filtering system called "It's me against the world."
Meredith's was "What can I do for you today?"  Frank's was "I must not
fail."  All of those systems denied us the chance to accept our true
selves.  That is called surviving.  Not living.  The title of this book
is Fearless Living, not Fearless Surviving.

Think of the last twenty-four hours.  What percentage of those hours
was spent just surviving?  Surviving means you are settling ... waiting
for the other shoe to drop ... hiding yourself from other people ...
doubting yourself ... never allowing anyone really to get to know you
... having friends that are ,nore like enemies ... doing things because
you think you have to need to, or should ... waking up and dreading the
next twenty four hours ... hoping someone will take you away from all
of this ... complaining ... saying yes when you really want to say 110
... worrying for no reason at all ... giving up on yourself

38 *Q""Z FEARLESS LIVING before you ever try ... putting your needs
last ... protecting yourself from being hurt ... never questioning
authority ... holding yourself back when you want to whistle, giggle,
or sing ... having a ton of good excuses why your life is the way it is
and having the evidence to prove it ... not asking for support when you
need it ... holding a grudge ... spending money you don't have on
things you don't need ... comparing yourself to any one and everyone
... being unwilling to love first ... blaming your parents for the way
you turned out ... being unwilling to rock the boat ... figuring
everyone knows more than you do ... drinking too much ... not speaking
up when you feel ignored, unimportant, or undervalued .. . waiting for
something anything-to change ... manipulating others to get your way
... eating foods that you know aren't good for you ... being so ashamed
of your body that you wear clothes two sizes too big ... holding it all
together even though you feel as though you're falling apart..  .
priding yourself on not having cried since your pet mouse died when you
were four ... listening to fear when it tells you this is all you're
allowed to have and believing it ... saying things you will regret just
because you feel other people deserve it ... not admitting there could
be two sides to the story when your relationship doesn't work out ...
giving your opinion to people who haven't asked for it ... hesitating
to speak up ... defending your position no matter what ... seeing
losing as bad ... wishing things could be different but doing nothing
to change the status quo ... calling yourself stupid ... denying your
creativity.

Living, on the other hand, means saying no when you mean no ... being
grateful for the good in your life ... smiling out of the blue ...
having someone in your life whom you are blessed to call your friend
... never holding a grudge ... giving yourself a break ... doing your
best and praising yourself for all of your efforts ... dancing down the
hallway ... being willing to fall in love without a guarantee that you
won't get hurt ... wearing your favorite shirt for no reason at all ...
singing in the car even

though you are tone deaf ... anticipating that everything will work out
... being someone's confidante ... giving up your worry list ...
telling yourself you can do it when fear makes you think you can't ...
asking the people in your life to help you through a difficult time and
telling them how to do that ... crying because you need to ... standing
up for what you want in life without walking over anyone ... living
with an attitude that there is enough to go around ... waking up just
happy to be alive ... being willing to be wrong ... learning something
that you've always wanted to learn ... giving your time to a service
organization because you care rather than because it would be good for
business ... trusting yourself... saving up your money for that
frivolous item that you've been yearning for ... acting as if people
like you ... taking steps toward your vision ... saying yes to you.

Living is what we're working toward.  Fearless Living.

Pick a Place to Start Maybe there is already an area of your life that
is not governed by fear.  Perhaps you are passionate about your work or
you have a wonderful marriage or you are good at helping others who are
less fortunate than you are.  That's terrific.  But is there also an
area of your life that is marred by dissatisfaction, frustration, or
disappointment?  Are you happy in your relationship but miserable at
work?  Are you financially successful and well respected in your field
but unable to lose weight and stick to an exercise regimen?  Are you a
creative dy@ ,iarno but you come home to an apartment empty except for
Your cat?  If the answer is yes, you're not alone.  And what you lay
also learn as we work through this book is that even in the areas where
you are ostensibly in control, fear may play a much bigger part than
you had ever realized.

40 FEARLESS LIVING The simplest way to learn how fear may be driving
you, consciously or unconsciously, in any area of your life is to focus
on the one area that is most obviously not satisfying.  As you do the
Fear buster Exercises throughout the book, be sure to con concentrate
on that area.  When you master one area of your life, you are gaining
the skill to master any area-your career, your relationships, your
physical health, your creativity.  Think of an area you would like to
work on. Whatever comes to mind first is perfect.

However, before we do any more work, I want to lay down some ground
rules:

For now, keep this work to yourself.

Until you've mastered the basic principles of Fearless Living and
experienced some results, sharing this work with other
people-especially the wrong people can undermine your efforts by
activating the very fear we're out to vanquish.  I'll guide you through
the process of choosing the best Fear buster Team in later chapters.

Set aside at least ten minutes a day to do the Fear buster Exercises.

I know you're busy.  That's why I want you to build this work into your
agenda and stick to it.  Get yourself a notebook, or if you're a
computer maven, set up a folder and some documents for this purpose.
Then have a look at your schedule.  Can you set the alarm a few minutes
earlier so you'll be up before the demands of your family take over
your morning?  Can you do the written exercises on the commuter trainl@
Is there some quiet time after dinner when everybody else is watching
TV.P Could you carve a little time out of your lunch hour?  At the very
least, can you do the work when you're in the privacy of the bathroom?
Somewhere in your routine, designate a slot for the purpose of taking
care of yourself through doing the Fearbuster Exercises.

Understanding the aspects of fear is vital to your ability to loosen
its hold on you.  Now we're ready to break down fear through
identifying the four key aspects that form your personal version of the
Wheel of Fear ...  The Wheel of Fear hen you are trying to control
fear, you are keeping it in check, just beneath the surface where it is
ready to erupt at the slightest provocation.  When you manage fear, it
keeps you off track by telling you to focus on the circumstantial
issues of life rather than the actual fear itself.  Therefore, the fear
is making your decisions for you passively, unconconsciously,
reactively.  On the other hand, mastering your fear means facing it
down, allowing you to feel it move through without getting stuck in
it.

The minute Connie got the e-mail message saying that her in-laws were
coming for a two-week visit, her throat closed up.  Not that she hadn't
invited them to make the trip up from Florida.  The baby was their
first grandchild and she knew they were eager to see him.  Still, the
idea of having Bob's parents as houseguests sent Connie into a tizzy.
Maybe she should buy new sheets for the guest room.  At the very least,
she'd have to clear, that room top to bottom, including the slats on
the Levolors.

And she really should plan to have her parents and her brother and his
family over for dinner the night her in-laws got there

But what could she serve that would stand up to her mother-inlaw's
cooking?  Anyway, everything was complicated by the fact that Connie,
who had been the press secretary for the CEO of a major corporation
before her pregnancy, was now running her own thriving public relations
business from a home office.  Whenever the baby was finally napping,
Connie felt she had to be at her desk fielding calls and meeting
deadlines.

By the time Connie's in-laws were scheduled to arrive, she was
exhausted and looked it.  Besides that, she hadn't lost the "baby fat."
Connie smudged concealer over the circles under her eyes and picked out
a blousy outfit she hoped didn't look too much like her maternity
clothes.  Then she put the baby in a strap-on carrier to keep him
quiet, and rushed around making her from-scratch menu of stuffed
Cornish game hens, vegetable souffle, seven-grain bread, and key lime
pie.

Let's cut to the chase.  The evening was a disaster.  The baby was
cranky, wouldn't take his bottle, and subsequently spit up on Grandma's
silk blouse.  The bread burned.  The souffle fell.  The pie was watery.
An irate client called while Connie was clearing the dishes and chewed
her out for letting a typo slip by in a press release she had prepared
for him.  And Connie's mother-in-law-never one to be big on tact-said,
"My goodness, dear, are you getting enough sleep?  You don't want to
lose your looks.  Right, Bob?"

Connie had failed miserably in her attempt to avoid being judged as-and
this is the word she used when we worked together-"incompetent."  What
happened then?  She tried even harder to avoid having anybody think she
was incompetent.  She got up early to make pancakes for breakfast,
forgetting that her father-in-law was on a low-cholesterol diet and
couldn't eat then.  She laundered the towels every day as though she
had to compete with the Hilton hotel chain.  She stayed up until all
hours to write her press releases so that she'd be free to spend time
with her iti-laws during the day.  She leapt out of bed "cry time the
baby whimpered so he wouldn't be a bother and

44 *-"k FEARLESS LIVING disturb anybody else.  But no matter what she
did, she couldn't achieve the standard of perfection she was sure was
expected of her.

One evening toward the end of the week, she found herself standing in
the kitchen sobbing uncontrollably.  She had started to slice a tomato
for the salad and suddenly the thought of all the chopping and dicing
ahead of her-the peppers, the celery, the mushrooms, the
carrots-overwhelmed her.  Bob came in just then and she blubbered
something about how she just couldn't face cooking one more meal.

"Get a grip!"  Bob said.

"You used to handle high-pressure situations at the office every day.
Now you can't even cut up a tomato without losing it.  And you used to
leave here every morning looking like a million bucks.  These days you
never even fix yourself up before dinner.  Okay, okay, the baby takes
up a lot of time.  I help when you let me and I am trying to be
understanding, but you're not the first person in the world who ever
had a baby.  It's been six months already.  When are you going to get
it together?"

Bob's uncharacteristic outburst hit Connie right in the solar plexus.
She gasped for air, the tears still streaming down her face.  Later,
Connie would tell me that at that agonizing moment, when Bob turned on
his heel and left the kitchen, she had gone from thinking she was
incompetent to feeling utterly unlovable.  It was then that Connie
reached for the pack of cigarettes she kept hidden in a top cupboard
just for times like this.  She had quit smoking when she found out she
was pregnant, but she had found nothing to match the power of the first
deep drag on a Benson & Hedges when it came to numbing her emotional
pain.

When Connie flushed the butt down the toilet, the relief the cigarette
had brought her turned to unbearable shame.  She had locked herself in
the bathroom with a can of air freshener to get rid of the smell of her
transgression.  She looked in the mirror and saw the puffy, tearstained
face of an incompetent,

unlovable human being.  She called herself some choice, unprintable
names and vowed to try even harder to live up to the standards she had
set for herself.  Resolutely, she marched back into the kitchen, opened
her cookbook, and set about making beef Bourguignon instead of simply
grilling the steaks she had on hand.  That ought to impress
everybody.

"I'll show them!"  she muttered to herself as she pulled the meat out
of the refrigerator and got to work.

Connie was on the Wheel of Fear.  It is a classic vicious cycle, a
looping of events in which the apparent solution to a problem causes a
new problem that brings us right back to the original problem.  My
Wheel of Fear is a perfect example.  I'm afraid of1 wing seen or
thought of as a loser.  To me-and this is my ddinition-that means I
should be able to do everything for cNeryonc, and perfectly. 
Therefore, before I developed my pro gI ain, I was in the habit of
saying "yes" when I should have said 1@ no."  I would give myself
unrealistic deadlines. I would take on i0o many projects.  Super-woman
was my role model.  I was always I, Ni ng to prove I wasn't a loser,
but of course I unconsciously set things up so that I couldn't possibly
fulfill all my obligations or get everything done the way it should
have been done.  I was al trying to beat the clock and I was impatient
with myself 1111d everybody else.  In the end, I would believe that I
was-you guessed lt-a loser.  The next step?  I would indulge in any one
(if "IN' favorite emotional painkillers-alcohol, wild spending spree-S,
isolation.  Then I would beat myself up.  The result was that any
excruciatingly painful feeling of worthlessness would kick in.  That
would send me to the beginning of the cycle, taking on too much in
order to avoid what I fear and making my Wheel of Fear go around and
around endlessly.

Each Of us has an individual Wheel of Fear that has been formed by our
family heritage, belief system, and life experience.  Each of us keeps
the Wheel of Fear in perfect operating

order, greasing it with the evidence we continually find to prove that
our fears about ourselves are correct.  Only when you identify your
Wheel of Fear will you be in a position to stop it from spinning.
However, even though your Wheel is yours and yours alone, the mechanism
that keeps the Wheel of Fear spinning is identical for everyone.  Over
the years, with client after client, I have seen the same cyclical
process at work.

First, something happens that triggers your fear of being thought of by
yourself or anybody else as having what you believe to be a serious
character flaw.  You urgently want to avoid that outcome, so your body
prepares to handle the emergency.  To at least some degree, you
experience the physical symptoms of fear, including a racing heart and
sweaty palms.  Second, your fear response makes you do something,
usually unconsciously, that is meant to ensure that you avoid the
dreaded outcome.  just as you would run away from an object you
perceive to be a snake, you try to run away in the figurative sense
from the thought that terrifies you.  Ironically, your response-for
example, trying harder to succeed or making promises you can't possibly
keep-almost certainly guarantees that the outcome will in fact
happen.

In a cruel trick of nature, we unerringly choose behavior that only
serves to confirm our worst fear about ourselves.

Third, as you realize you haven't avoided what you fear, the
consequence is that you experience the gut-wrenching negative feeling
of not being good enough-whatever your particular version of that is.
This is what you are truly afraid of.  The thought you are trying to
avoid is a cover for the feeling that you can't bear to face.  That
feeling is always underneath your thoughts and responses, both of which
keep you distracted, helping you avoid the very thing you must
confront: your version of not being good enough.

Self-loathing is next.  You globalize from this one instance, and you
fear that you can't do anything right.

Fourth, you find some way to numb the emotional pain, almost invariably
se4f-destructive behavior such as drinking, gambling, eating unhealthy
food, or shutting yourself off from the very people who could support
you.  Remember, the degree to which you indulge in this behavior isn't
the issue.  The motivation is.

If you toast with a glass or two of champagne at someone's wedding and
also eat a piece of the wedding cake, you're probably not using the
alcohol and the sugar as emotional painkillers but as ways of
celebrating.  Yet if you go home after a bad day and pour yourself a
drink because you "need" it, your behavior is fear driven even if you
don't get drunk and even if you don't do this all that often.  In other
words, don't tell yourself, "I'm not an alcoholic, so this section
doesn't apply to me."

Similarly, if you stop off at your neighborhood 7-Eleven to buy a quart
of ice cream because you messed up at the office, and then you thaw the
ice cream slightly in the microwave so you can eat it right out of the
carton, you're almost certainly on your Wheel of Fear.  Don't try to
let yourself off the hook by pointing out that you're not overweight
and that you don't make a habit of overeating.  Finally, if you go off
to a writer's colony where you can be alone with your thoughts, that's
a positive motivation for solitude.  But if you stop answering the
Phone and your e-mails because you're feeling like an idiot and You
don't want to relate to anyone, that's unhealthy isolation Ivhether
it's for one evening or chronically.

In any case" since self-destructive behavior doesn't give you any
lasting relief and usually in fact makes you feel even worse, You end
up exactly where you started: trying in vain to keep the fea, at bay.
The fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And the Wheel goes on and
on.

FEAR RESPONSE

NEGATIVE FEELING

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR

Figure I Find out What's Keeping You on the Wheel of Fear In order to
get off the Wheel of Fear, you have to understand what triggers your
cycle.  To that end, I'm going to use the technique that is effective
time and again with clients who are working through my Fearless Living
program.  I'm going to ask you to complete four statements.  Let's
begin with the one that starts the Wheel spinning.

First, study the following list:

1) selfish 2) stupid 3) weak 4) incompetent 5) ordinary 6) a loser 7) a
fake 8) lazy

9) invisible 10) rejected Next, pick the one word from the list that
gives you the most intense reaction when you put it in the following
sentence:

If someone I love, respect, or admire thought I were -, I would be
devastated.

When I did this exercise with Meredith, the loyal wife whose husband
left her after eighteen years of marriage, she said she couldn't pick
just one.  She said all of them would devastate her.  You may feel the
same way.  However, experience has shown me that if people identify the
main trigger that sets the Wheel of Fear in motion, they are in a much
better position to defuse all the fears that can accompany it.
Awareness is the key.  When you know what you are most afraid of, you
are better able to realize when your actions are knee-jerk responses to
fear instead of proactive, conscious choices.

In order to figure out which word to write, narrow the list down to the
top five items that would really bother you if your best friends said
them about you.  After that, I want your top three, the ones that would
horrify you if the person you most respect in your life told you them
about yourself.  All tight, let's get it down to one-the top one that
would be by far the worst, the one you would do just about anything to
avoid having people think about you.  That's the trigger for your Wheel
of Fear.

Meredith, a quintessential people pleaser who had spent her entire
adult life putting her husband and children first, picked the following
for her top five: "selfish,"

"lazy,"

"incompetent," rejected,"

"a loser."  Then she narrowed her list down to the fol- "Owing three:
"selfish,"

"rejected,"

"a loser."  Finally, she found he, rnain trigger: Meredith would do
anything to keep people fro", thinking she was selfish.  Yet
ironically, her eighteen years "If denying her own needs in order to be
her idea of a perfect wife and mother had backfired.  That's what
happens when

50 FEARLESS LIVING someone is driven by the Wheel of Fear instead of
unfolding naturally through his or her Wheel of Freedom.

Connie, the working mother whose trigger was the fear of being thought
of as incompetent, overcompensated and got just what she was trying to
avoid.  Frank, the real-estate salesman who didn't want to be thought
of as lazy, worked relentlessly but never felt sure of himself and he
never had time to enjoy his loved ones.  I behaved much the same way in
my attempt to avoid being- thought of as a loser.  My workaholism and
perfectionism guaranteed that my worst fear would be confirmed.

Core Negative Feelings The next statement I want you to complete is
designed to elicit your core negative feeling-your version of fearing
you're not good enough.

Study the following list:

1) a failure 2) unlovable 3) a disappointment 4) worthless 5) helpless
6) foolish 7) inadequate 8) insignificant 9) an outcast 10) damaged
goods Now, fill in the following blanks:

If the people I care about really thought I was (the trigger you
identified goes here) would feel as though I were

The Wheel of Fear * 51 Again, narrow the) list down to five, then
three, then one.  At the end of a bad day, when nothing has gone right,
how do you feel about yourself?  The sixteenth-century Spanish poet and
mystic St.  John of the Cross called it "the Dark Night of the Soul,"
and later E Scott Fitzgerald wrote, "in the real dark night of the
soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning."  Others call it their
shadow side.  What feeling lurks in your psyche that you want
desperately to override?  In our most fear-driven moments, we suspect
that our core feelings could very well be the truth about us.  And each
time we go through the cycle, the Wheel of Fear takes a stronger hold
upon our conscious and unconscious decisions.  Eventually, we typically
believe that the negative feelings we have about ourselves are facts.

I assure you, they are not.  As we work through the program, you will
learn to take positive actions that will put you on the path to
positive feelings.  You will own them.  Simply put, you will be you-and
you are not those negative feelings you fear.  You'll love who you
really are.  You'll greet each new day with enthusiasm and anticipation
instead of dread.  Naturally, you'll still encounter unpleasant and
maybe even cruel people and events along the way that trigger your
Wheel of Fear.  However, you'll be able to deactivate it because you
will be equipped with the emotional stamina to handle even the n10st
upsetting situations.  Remember, the past does not equal the future.
You can change ingrained patterns and keep history from repeating
itself.  You're not a laboratory rat.  You're a human being.  You can
master your fears.  But first you have to know them.

Meredith, who had resisted picking one trigger, found that Picking one
core feeling was easy.  That is often the case.  You an deliberate
about what thoughts you're afraid of, but feelings are visceral.  Also,
once you have identified your trigger, examples of incidents from your
life may pop into your head that 'night Make you experience the very
feeling we're trying to

52 FEARLESS LIVING identify.  For Meredith, pinpointing that she was
always striving to avoid being thought of as selfish made her realize
that every time she made herself a human sacrifice, she was in effect
crying out, "Look at me!  Notice me!  Appreciate me!  I matter!  You
can't do without me!"  As she said to me when she had gained insight
into her behavior, "When they seemed to ignore me or take advantage of
me anyway, I had this horrible feeling that I was completely
insignificant.  I felt like I didn't matter after all.  So I'd go into
hyperdrive to try to get rid of that feeling and prove I did matter.
Over and over again, day after day, year after year."

The trigger Connie identified was "incompetent" and the feeling was
"unlovable."  The trigger Frank identified was "lazy" and the feeling
was "failure."  The trigger I identified was "loser" and the feeling
was "worthless."  Interestingly, my sister Linda, who picked "ordinary"
as her trigger, also picked "worthless" as her feeling.  We started at
different places and ended up with the same awful, empty, gut feeling
that we are worthless.  Linda' the baby of the family doted on and
adored, coddled and cherished-had envisioned herself doing something
extraordinary with her life.  She has a head for math, and she dreamt
of working for NASA.  Instead, she is a high-school math teacher.
Thatjust didn't seem big enough to her.  She felt, most days until she
found her Wheel of Freedom, worthless.

Responses The third statement I want you to complete elicits your
responses to your trigger as well as your responses to your core
feeling.

1) Go down the following list and put a check mark (V) next to
everything you do to avoid your trigger-that thought that you couldn't
bear to have others think about you.  Meredith for example checked
"being apeO

ple pleaser,"

"perfectionism,"

"workaholism," and "comparing yourself to others" as her fear responses
to avoid being thought of as selfish.

2) Go down the list again and place an X next to anything you do to
stop the emotional pain when your core feeling kicks in.  This is
usually our more self-destructive behavior.  Some of the items may get
both a check mark and an X. Others may get one or the other.  Meredith
put an X next to "comparing yourself to others" along with
"isolating,"

"apologizing for everything,"

"taking everything personally,"

"overeating,"

"insomnia," and "hating yourself."  Then she paused for a long time and
finally put an X next to "shoplifting."

"I've never told a soul about this," she said, flushing and blinking
back tears.

"My whole life I would just give, give, give.  Phil was so tight I
never spent any money on myself.  So sometimes I'd snap and go to the
mall and slip something into my bag.  It was never anything big.  Maybe
a tube of lipstick or a scarf Thank goodness I never got caught.  But
of course I always felt worse than ever afterward."

And that is how the Wheel of Fear spins.  We have a thought that
perhaps we are lazy or weak or stupid, which triggers our fear
responses.  They are the reactions that tell us if we just do that
behavior, it will prove that the thought isn't true.  But inherent in
the reaction is the feeling you have been avoiding all along.  If you
play out the reaction, it is only confirming your worst fear that you
really are worthless, helpless, or whatever Your personal version of
not being good enough is.  And when You experience that feeling, it
pushes you into self-destructive behaviors.

Mat you will come to discover is your judgment of your thoughts is what
pushes you off center, keeping your Wheel of Fear revolving.  When you
can't be thought of a certain way, it triggells reactions and
self-destructive behavior that become a

way of life.  They give you a temporary, false sense of security, just
as a child who clings to a tattered baby blanket has the illusion of
safety even when his parents aren't there to protect him.  But sooner
or later the fear takes hold again and you start all over.  Ultimately,
the thought you are avoiding is the same thought that must be embraced
in order for the fear to lose its power.

Here's the list of fear-driven responses: being a people pleaser
emotional drama junkie isolating self-pity blaming drinking too much
compromising whining shopaholism exercise addict negative attitude
being promiscuous sleeping too much arguing with anyone about
procrastination anything apologizing for everything escapism moving to
get away name calling from problems gambling taking everything lying
and pretending personally cheating being manipulative shoplifting
staying in an Internet smoking chat room until 3:00 A.M. putting other
people down surfing channels on the insomnia TV until all hours
suicidal thoughts or attempts giving up crying uncontrollably doing
drugs physical abuse to yourself bulimia or anorexia negative self-talk
kicking the cat dog comparing yourself to others making jokes about
constipation diarrhea yourself headaches/migranes workaholism
stomachaches shutting down high blood pressure

verbal abuse to yourself making excuses or or others complaining making
a preemptive endless daydreaming strike on others hating yourself being
irresponsible intentional sleep overeating deprivation perfectionism
heartburn Now fill in the following:

1) When I want to avoid the thought that I am (your Wheel of Fear
trigger goes here), I do the following: (items check-marked V only) 2)
When I want to get rid of my core negative feeling that I am I do the
following: (items with an X only) The important thing about all of
these responses is that they Masquerade as your problems when they are
simply your att'@"Pt to avoid confirming your worst fear about yourself
and to asc the pain of believing it is true.  Connie, for example, had
always imagined that nicotine addiction was her problem, 2did had tried
all sorts of techniques to solve it.  She used

56 *-$,z FEARLESS LIVING over-the-counter patches and gum, she put No
Smoking signs all over the house and on her desk, she had her teeth
professionally whitened, she had her clothes cleaned, she threw out her
ashtrays, she read every scary article she could find about lung cancer
and emphysema, she kept lollipops and gum in her desk drawer.  And at
last she proved to herself that she could quit when she gave up smoking
during her pregnancy.  But even though she had kicked her physical
addiction to cigarettes, she would still find herself using nicotine to
short-circuit her feeling of being unlovable.  Only when she worked
through the exercises in the Fearless Living program was she able to
give up smoking once and for all.  Similarly Frank, whose workaholism
was destroying his marriage, finally got some balance in his life once
he got with the Fearless Living program.

Your Wheel of Fear Now you're ready to put your Wheel of Fear down on
paper.

Fill in the blanks:

When I want to avoid having people think I'm (your trigger goes here) I
react by (your checked responses V go here):

When that doesn't work and I end up feeling (your core negative feeling
goes here) .  then I (your responses marked with an X go here):----Good
Work!  And remember, you can add to your list of responses as we go
along.  The more thorough you are when you list your responses, the
more you will start recognizing your Wheel of Fear even in the minutiae
of your everyday life.  In fact, you can add specific responses that
are not on the general list I gave you.  For example, let's say you go
to the grocery store and the box of cereal you want is on a top shelf.
You can't reach it.  You feel impatient and mutter to yourself that the
store is "stupid" because the shelves are too high.  Instead of asking
someone to get it for you, you leave without the cereal.  You don't
want to bother anybody.  You don't want to risk having the stock boy
roll his eyes and act put upon on your account.  In that seemingly
unimportant moment, your inability to ask for help kept the Wheel of
Fear spinning.  So add "Can't ask for help even from people paid to
help me" to your list.

Other examples of situation-specific responses to fear: You grab the
restaurant bill to prove you're not a failure, even though your credit
card is maxed out and sure to get declined.... You stay late at your
East Coast office so you can make sales calls during West Coast
business hours even though you have more than met your quota.... You
say yes just to keep the peace and then you hate yourself afterward....
You go out for drinks and stay up too late the night before an
important meeting.... You let a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip
away because you can't make up your mind .... You spend money YOU don't
have on stuff you don't need .... You shut everybody out and devote all
your free time to playing computer games.... You crack jokes about how
hopeless you are when it comes to relationships, or making money, or
cooking, or losing eight, or driving.... You laugh when somebody else
makes fn Of You.... You call in sick the day of a meeting because
You're afraid you'll make a fool of yourself... You put off makir1g
crucial decisions, unable to make up your mind.... You fail to delegate
even though you're the boss now and you have a hole staff to help.

58 FEARLESS LIVING Those responses may seem justifiable to you in
certain situations.  Yet it is never appropriate to put yourself (or
others) down or abuse yourself (or others) in any way.  Every time you
put off calling the insurance company about a mistake you think was
made in a claim ... every time you turn down an invitation to a party
with the excuse that you're too busy ... every time you compare
yourself to someone else and conclude that you don't measure up ...
every time you hesitate to order what you really want in a restaurant
because you're sure the waiter thinks you could lose a few pounds ...
every time you tell yourself you might as well eat the whole box of
Girl Scout cookies because you can never stick to a diet anyway ...
every time you go to bed disappointed in yourself because you didn't
check off enough items from your To Do list ... every time you wake up
in the morning with the sense that this day is just one more day in a
long list of days .. . every time those things or things like them
happen, you are on your Wheel of Fear.

Symptoms That Mean You're on Your Wheel of Fear However, recognizing
when you're on your Wheel of Fear may be tough in the beginning.  You
may not be able to catch yourself thinking that thought or taking those
actions.  A good way to become more aware of your behavior is to pay
attention to the symptoms that mean you are on your Wheel of Fear.  In
the same way that a scratchy throat and a runny nose signal the start
of a common cold, certain emotional symptoms are a sign that you're not
in optimum emotional health.  The symptOmS are legion, varying from
person to person, but the most common ones are when you feel:

Impatient You want instant results and instant relief fro"' suspense.
What did the boss think about the report you turned

in?  You can't stand it.  You can't wait.  You have to know now.  You
feel irritated and edgy, like somebody stuck in traffic.  Why can't
they all hurry up?  What's taking them so long?  Why don't they get
back to you?

Exhausted You're dragging through your days.  Everything takes so much
effort, but nothing seems worth the effort.  You're racing around,
doing a million things, but nothing ever seems to get done, let alone
done well, and you're just worn out with it all.

Sey-"Righteous They're all jerks!  Everybody in the whole industry is
impossible to work with!  They don't appreciate anything you do.  You
practically give blood at the office every day and everybody else takes
all the credit.  People take advantage of you right and left.  Even at
home, somebody always wants something.

Misunderstood People take everything the wrong way.  They get their
feelings hurt when you mean to be nice.  They give you blank stares as
though you're speaking Greek.  Nobody gets it.  You just don't feel
heard.

Paranoid You suspect others are out to get you or don't support you or
that what you are doing needs to be protected.  You feel you need to
keep your defenses up.  Somebody might steal Your ideas, sabotage your
plan, get there first.

ParalYzed You are so numb to your feelings and thoughts hat You deny
that anything is wrong.  Yet you draw a blank when Y'u try to figure
out what the next step should be.  Nothing mot'vates You or appeals to
you.  You can't get anything accomPlished and you may tell people that
you're just "spinning your wh,els.@ Actually, you are spinning on your
Wheel of Fear.

60 FEARLESS LIVING Shame You feel guilty about anything and
everything.  When somebody casually mentions there was a slip-up at the
office, you immediately wonder if it was your fault.  Your
five-year-old is diagnosed with dyslexia and you assume you did
something to damage him during your pregnancy.  You come down with the
flu and you find a way to blame yourself.

Defeated You sent out a batch of resumes and didn't get one response.
You went to a singles event and no one approached you.  You went
shopping and came home empty handed after suffering from
three-way-mirror trauma.  Whatever the situation, you have magnified
one small setback into a great big suspicion that you just can't win no
matter what.

Out of control Maybe you're spending the afternoon at the office
jumping from Web site to Web site, none of which have anything to do
with what you're supposed to be working on.  Or you're standing up in
the kitchen at two in the morning, polishing off the cold pork chops
and downing a quart of ice cream.

Or you're on a shopping spree, buying the latest gadgets that you don't
need and can't afford.  Whatever you're doing, you can't stop yourself.
You don't feel in charge.

Confused Life isn't turning out the way you thought it would, but
you're at a loss to say exactly why.  You feel scattered and spent.
You're going nowhere fast.  You can't make up your mind about anything.
Should you look for a new job?  YOU don't really know.  Would things be
better if you moved?  YOU have no idea.  Is your current relationship
as good as it gets?

You have no reference point.  You don't have clear criteria for making
decisions, so you don't make any.  You just keep niliddling through,
constantly bewildered while you are buffeted by life's inevitable
challenges.  The best you can do is to keep up the status quo.

Ovemhelmed You are about to begin a huge and exciting new undertaking.
Yet whether you're on the verge of planning your wedding or buying your
first home or launching a Web site for your business, the project
suddenly seems like more than you can handle.  The enormity of what
you've set out to do hits you, killing all the joy you felt when you
decided to go for it.  You feel incapable of taking even one small step
toward your goal.  Days go by while you're frozen with fear.  The
deadline looms and that makes the situation even worse.  What were you
thinking when you agreed to this?  You marvel at other people who have
pulled off something similar.  What do they know that you don't?  Why
can't you deal with this?

Victimized You've sacrificed some of your own dreams in order to give
your kids every advantage and every opportunity, but all you get from
them is attitude.  Your boss is trying to please her boss, and you end
up with the piles of paperwork that will make her look good.  Your wife
keeps nagging you to make as much money as your brother does.  You feel
like the helpless victim of some grand scheme to keep you from living
your life the way you were meant to live it.  You're not helpless.
You'rejust scared.  Scared of believing in yourself.  Scared of
alienating people.  Scared of being you.

, J1

I @

7@?  FkV ?  k

-ISE E FEAR BUSTER EXERC

Define the words you chose for your trigger thought and your core
feeling.

Since they are yours and yours alone, you will define them in your own
way.  The more thorough you are at dc fining your words, the better you
will be able to recognize when you are in your Wheel of Fear.  No
dictionaries, Please.  There is no wrong way to define your words.
List

anything that will help you identify them.  This is for your eyes only.
However, to get you started, I'll share with you my definition of
"loser": "They are all laughing at me.  So-and-so was right.  I don't
deserve success.  I'll never win.  Who am I kidding?"  My definition of
"worthless" is: "What's the point?  I want to hide or die.  No one
cares.

Keep track of the symptoms you experience on a daily basis.  The sooner
you can identify the symptoms, the sooner you can get off the Wheel of
Fear.  However, when you first s you may feel worse than become aware
of the symptom s were there all you ever did.  This will pass.  The
symptom along, you just didn't know it.  They were draining your energy
and taking up your time.  Only, now that you recognize for what they
are, you'll be able to get past them.  them This will take practice. Be
patient and kind to yourself.  Hold firm to the belief that you must
know your symptoms before you can change them.  Write down the title
"My Wheel of Fear" and write your own version as you did on page 50.
Put the slip of paper someplace where you can see it every day.  This
will help remind you that when your fear comes up, it is something you
can change rather than something that is wrong with you.  Remember, you
are not your Wheel of Fear.

Pay attention to how and when you find yourself spinning on the Wheel
of Fear.

Fill in the blanks:

if I mastered my Wheel of Fear, the following would be possible for me
regarding:

my career MY intimate relationships

my finances my health and well-being social life and friendships my
family my spirituality my intellect and knowledge my emotional
development my home living space my creativity Nobody can make you an
emotional victim without your permission.  The good news-and it is very
good news indeed-is that now that you have identified your Wheel of
Fear, you can begin to move beyond your fear.  When you move from fear
to freedom, you are altering your filtering system by shifting your
focus and thereby your choices.  You are going from fear-based thoughts
to freedom-based qualities that will access your essential nature.  In
the same way that little things have triggered your Wheel of Fear for
so long, little things will begin to show you that You don't have to be
afraid.  Each small act of courage will go a long way toward giving you
the confidence to handle the big events.  Every time you call a friend
to ask for help ... every time You call a friend to offer help ...
every time you find a gentl' 1vaY to get your mother off the phone when
you're trying to Meet a deadline ... every time you listen to someone's
angry words without shouting back ... every time you have a good "C'Y *
- - every time you let someone know you need a little time

to yourself ... every time you laugh out loud when you see the
absurdity of your fears ... every time you do things such as those, you
are leaving your Wheel of Fear behind.  Every day of your life, you are
creating an environment of fear or fearlessness with each choice you
make Fear Is an Affirmation of Growth I am going to tell you the secret
that became the foundation of Fearless Living: Fear is just an
affirmation of your growth.  It's just a way of letting you know you
are alive and walking out into the unknown.  The Wheel of Fear may be
triggered during the big risks in your life but it will no longer be a
daily occurrence.

And when your Wheel of Fear does start spinning, you'll know that is a
sign for you to be sure that you have prepared, that you have done the
best you can, that everything is in order.  After a moment, a day, or a
week, your Wheel of Fear subsides because what you're doing is no
longer a new experience for you.  Think about this: Who would be afraid
to take a chance if fear were a positive force, not a negative one?

All along, fear has not been the enemy.  It has been your friend,
letting you know that this is unfamiliar territory as well as giving
you a heads-up when it is time to acknowledge yourself.  Whenever the
fear of being a loser or the feeling of worthlessness comes up for me,
I acknowledge myself for taking a risk.  I acknowledge myself for being
true to myself.  I acknowledge myself for being alive.

As we live with the intention to move through our fear, riot only do we
learn to feel without attaching ourselves to the feeling but we also
learn how to move through the fear with ease, grace, and love.  In that
process, we discover who we are.  There springs up from within us a
life force that I call the Wheel Of Freedom.  And we come to see that
in embracing our humarkitY, the things that we saw as weaknesses or
character defects are but

the path back to ourselves.  Not something to deny, but something to
welcome and celebrate.

Turn the page, and continue the process of learning how to choose
fearlessness ....  The Wheel of Freedom he Wheel of Freedom is not the
opposite of the Wheel of Fear.  However, virtually all of the people
I've worked with have assumed at first that the Wheel of Freedom is
simply a positive version of the Wheel of Fear.  Remember Connie, the
harried working mother who was afraid of being thought of as
incompetent and who ended up feeling unlovable?  Since she was afraid
of being thought of as incompetent, she believed she would be free of
fear if she managed to prove she was competent, and that she would feel
lovable as a result.  Before I developed my program, I was laboring
under that same misconception.  I didn't want to be perceived as a
loser, so I reasoned that the solution was to act like a winner, and
that I would therefore feel worthwhile instead of worthless.

Unfortunately, as we have seen, that kind of thinking is exactly what
brings about the behavior that keeps the Wheel Of Fear revolving on the
downward spiral that makes you rnore afraid and more disgusted with
yourself than ever.  So if the Wheel of Freedom is not the opposite of
the Wheel of Fear, what is it?  Listen to Connie as she talks about the
day during

the second week of her in-laws' visit when she ex pei ienced the
life-affirming upward spiral of the Wheel of Freedom for the first
time: "Bobby had fallen asleep in my arms.  Dawn was breaking and he
looked so beautiful in the half-light.  We were breathing in exactly
the same rhythm.  I made a move to get up and go put him in his crib so
I could start breakfast.  But Bobby let out a shivery sigh the way
babies do, and I was afraid I'd wake him up.  Suddenly, looking at his
sweet face, I was so filled with love for him that tears ran down my
cheeks.  In a very real way, I had waited all my life for him.  My
little miracle!

"At that moment, in spite of the work and worry of the week I'd just
gotten though with my in-laws, I felt exhilarated.  A surge of energy
shot through me.  The craziness about washing the venetian blinds and
making gourmet meals and beating myself up for missing that typo in a
client's press release seemed plain silly.  What did any of that have
to do with the love I felt for Bobby?  Or for that matter, the love I
felt for my husband, my parents, and even my in-laws?  Or for how much
I love my work?  I remembered what Rhonda had said about trying to live
up to unrealistic expectations and I realized that all of my behaviors
had been caused by my Wheel of Fear.  They weren't making me a good
wife and mother, or a good daughter, or a good daughterin-law, or a
good businesswoman.  The only thing they were doing was making me feel
incompetent and unlovable.  And they certainly weren't letting anybody
know that the real Connie is all about being compassionate to myself
and everybody else not about trying to earn the Good Housekeeping seal
of apPloval for everything from polishing the silver to catching typos,
and then freaking out on myself if I blow it."

Inspired by that insight, Connie decided to give herself a break.
Instead of pushing past her exhaustion and going to the kitchen to
start breakfast, she took Bobby into bed with her and c'I'led up under
the covers next to the man she loved.  With her precious baby cradled
in her arms, she fell into a deep and

68 FEARLESS LIVING peaceful sleep.  When she woke up, refreshed and
relaxed, it was almost noon.  Bobby was still asleep.  Six hours was a
record for him!  Connie tucked him in his crib.  Looking at him, she
was reminded once more that compassion was her real state of being.

Going back to sleep had been a conscious, positive action that came out
of being true to herself.  She was ready to do even more.  Connie
pulled on her robe and slippers and padded into the living room where
her mother-in-law was happily absorbed in "her" soap opera.

"Hi, dear," Connie ,s mother-in-law said, glancing away from the screen
as a commercial came on.

"The men have gone to play tennis.  I hope you don't mind that I made
breakfast.  We just couldn't wait any longer."

That comment brought up Connie's fear of being incompetent.  She was on
the verge of getting defensive when she recalled how that behavior was
just a response to her fear.  She made a conscious choice not to say
something she might regret.  Instead, she said, "That's great.  Thanks
so much.  I guess I really needed some sleep."

"Well, my goodness, yes!"  her mother-in-law said.

"You loo like a new woman.  I remember what it was like after Bob was
born.  I've never been so worn out in my life.  You have to take care
of yourself."

Connie nodded, feeling not only lovable but loved.  She sat down next
to her mother-in-law on the couch.  The soap opera was almost over when
Bobby started to cry.  Connie turned to her mother-in-law and decided
to take a risk.

"Would you mind giving Bobby his bottle?  I would love to catch up on
some work at my desk."

At first Connie's mother-in-law seemed startled and Connie was sure she
had overstepped her bounds.  Connie was just about to apologize when
her mother-in-law broke into a grin.

"Mind?  I can't wait!  You know, dear, it's okay to ask for heIPLet me
go get him right now."  And with that, she stood up, 'i sang headed
toward the nursery with a spring in her step, and out, "Grandma's
coming, Bobby.  Grandma's coming."

Connie practically fell over.  She had been a very attentive hostess,
not wanting to put anyone else out, yet she had just learned that her
mother-in-law had felt as though she didn't have permission to do
anything.  Connie never would have guessed, and if she hadn't taken a
risk, she would never have known.

By the time Bob and his father got back from the tennis court, Connie
and her mother-in-law had spent a delightful afternoon chatting,
playing cards, and enjoying Bobby.  Connie had decided to forgo her
daily ritual of laundering the towels, and she didn't protest when her
mother-in-law ran the vacuum.  But watching her mother-in-law vacuum
did bring up all of Connie's insecurities.  The Wheel of Fear,
disguised as concern, whispered in Connie's ear, "I guess you didn't
clean your house very well, since your mother-in-law feels compelled to
vacuum."  Connie quickly identified her Wheel of Fear's new attempt to
trick her into feeling ashamed.  Not this time.  When her mother-inlaw
finished vacuuming, Connie asked her to watch the baby while she
freshened up.  She took a bath, did her makeup, and slipped into a
fresh dress-guilt free.

"Hey, gorgeous!"  Bob said when he came in the door behind his father,
who headed for the living room to turn on the TV.  Alone in the foyer,
Connie instinctively reached out to Bob and gave him a hug.  He seemed
surprised at first, since she had been cool to him after his outburst
in the kitchen the night before.  But then he relaxed and hugged her
back.  Connie experienced peace of mind and with it the sense of being
whole.  lie pulled her even closer and gave her a sweet, urgent kiss.
She didn't resist.

"Maybe tonight?"  he whispered in her ear.

"If You're not too tired."

111qMnimm", she said.

"Not too tired at all."

"Have I told you lately that I love you?"  he said.

"I love You too," she said.  Just then, Connie's father-in-law appeared
with Bobby in his arms.

"The little fella was fussing and I could tell nobody else heard him,
sl I went and got him," he said.

"Hope that's okay."

"Oh, thanks!"  Connie said as her father-in-law swooped the baby into
the air, eliciting coos and giggles.

"Do I smell dinner cooking?"  Bob asked.

"Yes," his mother said, emerging all smiles from the kitchet, and
wiping her hands on her apron.

"My pot roast.  Connie had some business calls to make, so she asked me
to be the cll(.f tonight.  Wash up.  The roast is almost ready."

Connie stood for a moment, taking in everything around her-the people
she loved and who loved her, the air redolent with spices, the sound of
the baby's laughter, the taste of her husband's kiss.  She was in the
present, and glad to be alive.

Connie had deliberately put herself on the Wheel of Freedom.  She knew
that in order to get off her Wheel of Fear, she had to decide how to
behave instead of simply reacting.  In the install(T of the visiting
in-laws, Connie had realized she was on the Wieel of Fear because of
certain symptoms she was experiencing feeling overwhelmed, exhausted,
and defeated.  She also noticed how she was reacting-cleaning, cooking
gourmet meals, answering her business line after hours-all in a frantic
attempt to avoid being thought of as incompetent.  Her attempt only
resulted in the feeling that she was unlovable and pushed her to crave
a cigarette.

Based on our coaching sessions, she understood the process of
consciously moving onto the Wheel of Freedom.  After building her
awareness and consistent practice, she was able to do just that.  With
time and patience, you can do it as well.  14crc's how it's done:

First, you identify your essential nature, the state of being that
fuels your passion and gives you an abiding sense of purpose.  This is
your true self, although it is most often masked by fear.  This is who
you really are, who you were born to be, the pure self that existed
before environment3' influences began to shape you, making you afraid
that this self is not good enough.

The Wheel of Freedom *J:$4 71

Second, You consciously engage in proactive behavior by doing things
that allow you to get in touch with your essential nature'e.

Third, as you take the actions that help you get in touch with your
essential nature, you dispel your fear of not being good enough and
experience a sense of wholeness.  This is your essential nature brought
to its highest and most expansive level.  Think of your essential
nature as your unblemished, newborn self.  Then think of your wholeness
as that evolving self brought to maturity in a positive and fearless
way.  Your wholeness gives you a sense of fullness and power. Life for
you is now full of limitless possibilities and you are eager to embrace
them.  Taking risks ignites you instead of frightening you.

Fourth, your sense of wholeness frees you from the fear of not being
good enough and you instinctively engage in se4fPROACTIVE BEHAVIOR

WHOLENESS ESSENTIAL NATURE

SELF-AFFIRMING BEHAVIOR

Figure 2

"Oh, thanks!"  Connie said as her father-in-law swooped the baby into
the air, eliciting coos and giggles.

"Do I smell dinner cooking?"  Bob asked.

"Yes," his mother said, emerging all smiles from the kitchen and wiping
her hands on her apron.

"My pot roast.  Connie had some business calls to make, so she asked me
to be the chef tonight.  Wash up.  The roast is almost ready."

Connie stood for a moment, taking in everything around her-the people
she loved and who loved her, the air redolent with spices, the sound of
the baby's laughter, the taste of her husband's kiss.  She was in the
present, and glad to be alive.

Connie had deliberately put herself on the Wheel of Freedom.  She knew
that in order to get off her Wheel of Fear, she had to decide how to
behave instead of simply reacting.  In the instance of the visiting
in-laws, Connie had realized she was on the Wheel of Fear because of
certain symptoms she was experiencing feeling overwhelmed, exhausted,
and defeated.  She also noticed how she was reacting-cleaning, cooking
gourmet meals, answering her business line after hours-all in a frantic
attempt to avoid being thought of as incompetent.  Her attempt only
resulted in the feeling that she was unlovable and pushed her to crave
a cigarette.

Based on our coaching sessions, she understood the process of
consciously moving onto the Wheel of Freedom.  After building her
awareness and consistent practice, she was able to do just that.  With
time and patience, you can do it as well.  Here's how it's done:

First, you identify your essential nature, the state of being that
fuels your passion and gives you an abiding sense of purpose.  This is
your true self, although it is most often masked by fear.  This is who
you really are, who you were born to be, the pure self that existed
before environmental influences began to shape you, making you afraid
that this self is not good enough.

The Wheel of Freedom *1$4- 71 Second, you consciously engage in
proactive behavior by doing things that allow you to get in touch with
your essential nature.

Third, as you take the actions that help you get in touch with your
essential nature, you dispel your fear of not being good enough and
experience a sense of wholeness.  This is your essential nature brought
to its highest and most expansive level.  Think of your essential
nature as your unblemished, newborn self.  Then think of your wholeness
as that evolving self brought to maturity in a positive and fearless
way.  Your wholeness gives you a sense of fullness and power.  Life for
you is now full of limitless possibilities and you are eager to embrace
them.  Taking risks ignites you instead of frightening you.

Fourth, your sense of wholeness frees you from the fear of not being
good enough and you instinctively engage in se@fPROACTIVE BEHAVIOR 65@
ko (1) WHOLENESS ESSENTIAL NATURE

SELF-AFFIRMING BEHAVIOR

Figure 2

72 FEARLESS LIVING affirming behavior.  You are able to make a
contribution to yourself and to the world without judging yourself or
fearing the judgment of others.  In so doing, you go back to the
beginning of the cycle where your essential nature inspires a new round
of proactive behavior.  As a result you feel even more true to
yourself, and more fearless than ever about making your contribution.

In Connie's case, her essential nature was to be compassionate to
herself and others.  She realized that she certainly wasn't being
compassionate while she was furiously scrubbing and baking and typing
in an attempt to ward off her fear of being incompetent.  When Connie
had that awareness, she knew that the next step was to do something
proactive.  Her first choice was to get some much-needed sleep.  After
that she asked for help at the risk of being judged by her
mother-in-law, and in so doing gained compassion for her
mother-in-law's disappointment at not having been allowed to help with
the chores and the baby.  Connie went a step farther and asked her
mother-inlaw to cook dinner so Connie could finish her office work.
Connie also took the time to soothe herself with a bath and make
herself feel attractive by putting on a pretty dress.

As a result, she sent a silent message to her husband.  When they
hugged, Connie moved to new level of wholeness and she was able to
initiate intimacy with her husband-a self-affirming behavior.  His
positive response gave her precisely the feeling she yearned for.  She
felt loved.

On her Wheel of Freedom, Connie's definition of good enough" changed
from "someone who keeps a spotless house, cooks from scratch, has a
perfect baby who never cries, and never makes a typing error" to
61someone who is good to herself and to those she loves, and who lets
those people be good to her as well."

That change was profound.  It meant that Connie didn't have to live up
to unrealistic expectations in order to prove she

wasn't incompetent.  In fact, her fear of being seen as incompetent was
transformed into a conviction that she was uniquely capable of loving
her family and of receiving their love, and her confidence in her
ability to make a success of her business soared.  She no longer felt
unlovable or incompetent.  She felt necessary, both in her
relationships and in her work.  That gave her joy.  Her senses were
heightened, and she appreciated the people and situations around her.
She was able to make a contribution far greater than a pile of clean
laundry or a flawless press release or a key lime pie.  She became a
person who acted out of compassion, not fear.  And everyone-from the
baby to Connie's husband to Connie's in-laws to Connie's clients to
Connie herself-was richer because of that.  Within a year, Connie had
not only established firm bonds with her family, but her income had
doubled and she was so swamped with clients that she had hired an
assistant.

My own Wheel of Freedom is another good example.  My essential nature
is authenticity.  My definition of that word-and this is mine alone,
but it works for me-is to be true to myself.  When I am not being who I
truly am, I react to my limited perception of myself from the paradigm
of fear that brings up frustration and victimization.  Not attractive.
Yet, when any of those thoughts or feelings occur, I immediately know
the Wheel of Fear is deciding my fate, and it is never for my highest
good.  I choose new actions.  That might mean no longer monitoring
Myself to see whether I'm fulfilling other people's expectations, not
Saying yes when I mean no, not taking on too much work just to prove
how capable I am, not rushing to meet selfimposed deadlines and ending
up missing the simple pleasures in every moment of every day.  The sum
of those actions always leads me to self-acceptance.  That gives me my
sense of wholeness.  From there, I naturally engage in self-affirming
behaviors thanking people for compliments, giving compliments freely,
S'niling at a stranger, admitting what I don't know, asking for help,
giving help.  I am free to contribute to the world.

Self-acceptance keeps me on track, on purpose, and in my ppassion. When
I accept myself fully, I am filled with an inner joy and contentment
and I become more productive as a result.

That moves me back to my original state of being, which is
authenticity, and an even stronger intent to live fearlessly.

Get on the Wheel of Freedom just as we discovered your personal Wheel
of Fear, we're going to discover your Wheel of Freedom.

First make a "hero list" by answering the following question:

Who are the five people-dead or alive, real or fictional whom you most
admire, respect, or secretly envy

I )

2) 3) 4) 5) Now, put your hero list aside.  We'll refer back to the
hero list after you complete the next step.

Essential Nature Study the following list:

I ) authentic 2) creative 3) compassionate 4) accountable 5) loving 6)
beautiful 7) courageous

8) focused 9) generous 10) trusting You know the drill by now: Narrow
the list down to five, then down to three, and finally pick the one
that is your essential nature.  Now fill in the following:

My essential nature is that I am Meredith,just as she did with fear
triggers, insisted she couldn't choose.  In this case she felt that
everything on the list was part of her.  She was absolutely correct.
But claiming one quality as your own automatically frees you to claim
the others as well.  The access point is your essential nature.
Remember that Connie claimed being compassionate and her nature
radiated out into being more courageous (risking her mother-in-law's
judgment; hugging her husband first), more trusting (letting her
mother-in-law take care of the baby), and all the rest.

In any case, Meredith finally picked "generous."  That's when I asked
her to get out her hero list and choose one essential nature for each
hero, using the same list we used to pick her own essential nature.  I
want you to do the same:

1) Hero Essential Nature 2) Hero Essential Nature 3) Hero- Essential
Nature 4) Hero- Essential Nature 5) Hero- Essential Nature Meredith had
listed her grandma Rose, her best friend Sue, Joan of Arc, Martin
Luther King, Jr."  and Elizabeth Dole.  She stared at her list for a
long time.  Finally she assigned "courageOus" to all of them except
Sue, for whom she wrote "creative."

"My grandmother was the most courageous woman I've ever

known," Meredith said.

"She was a first-generation immigrant who came to this country alone
with her two young sons-my dad and my uncle-after she was widowed when
my grandfather died in a mining accident.  She started her own
millinery business on the Lower East Side of Manhattan and she was a
huge success.  Nobody walked all over her, for sure.

"And Joan of Arc, well, that's obvious.  As for Martin Luther King,
Jr."  he stood for his beliefs even though they weren't popular at the
time.  That took guts.  Elizabeth Dole, well, being the first woman to
announce a candidacy for the presidency was certainly a courageous act.
I really admire all of those people.  And my friend Sue, the creative
one, writes and illustrates children's books.  I'm in awe of her, and
I'll admit that I envy her too."

When Meredith had finished her explanations, I asked her to think about
the essential nature she had picked to describe herself" generous

"Is that really who you are, Meredith?"  I asked.

"Of course," she said.

"We've already established that what triggers my Wheel of Fear is the
idea of being thought of as selfish.  So I'm generous instead."

"The Wheel of Freedom is not the opposite of the Wheel of Fear," I
gently reminded her.

"The Wheel of Freedom is who you are.  And you, Meredith, have just
shown me that you are courageous."

"Me?"  Meredith said, absolutely taken aback.

"Oh, no.  I'm not courageous.  Sure, maybe I want to be courageous. But
I've never done anything courageous in my life."

"I bet you have, but you may not have identified it as such or given
yourself credit.  Besides, there's no time like the present to start
claiming it as true for you," I said.

"Because being courageous is who you really are.  Being generous is
just who yon think you ought to be.  And the beauty of claiming your
essential nature is that in so doing you will be freed to claim a
genuine generosity that springs from truth, not from fear."

Her eyes welled up.  Then I asked her to claim her essential

nature by writing it down and then saying it out loud.  After she
wrote, she cleared her throat and waited until she had composed
herself.  Then she said in a barely audible whisper, "I am courageous."
Finally she said it again, in a clear and committed voice.

"I am courageous!"

Think about what you originally picked as your essential nature.  Is it
the same as the essential nature of at least three out of five of your
heroes?  If so, you identified your essential nature correctly.  If
not, then your Wheel of Fear tricked you into picking the essential
nature you thought you should pick.  The essential nature of the
majority of your heroes is your true essential nature.  We can only see
in others what lies within ourselves.  Fill in the following blank:

My TRUE essential nature that has just been revealed is that I am
Wholeness Now, study the following list:

1) integrity 2) personal power 3) self-acceptance 4) peace of mind 5)
passion 6) intimacy 7) inspiration 8) confidence 9) inner joy 10) faith
If YOU could give one gift to the world as your contribution, Ivhich
quality of wholeness would you choose?

 FEARLESS LIVING In other words, if you claim your essential nature by
taking actions that are consistent with it, which of the expressions of
wholeness on this list will you feel?  Or you can think of it this way:
If you have children, what one quality would you like to pass on to
them as their parent?  What about your spouse or best friend?  The
quality you yearn to give to others is inherent within you and indeed
is your gift to yourself and the world.  As always, narrow the list
down to five, then three, then one.  Here again, the miracle is that
when you feel the one that is most central for you, the others will
follow.  Now fill in the blanks:

When I claim (your essential nature goes here) I will feel (your
wholeness goes here)

Meredith, whose essential nature turned out to be "courageous," picked
"personal power."  And indeed, she went on to have the courage to
invest most of her nest egg in her antique store and gain an immensely
gratifying sense of personal power that led to all the other feelings
as well, including "creative" (inspiring her to take those painting
classes after all) and "intimacy" (allowing her to attract a man who
loves and respects her for her essential nature).

My essential nature is "authentic" and if I consistently take actions
that are true to that nature, I attain my wholeness, which is
"self-acceptance."  From there, I have all the rest, including
64passion" and "inspiration."  Consequently, I can make a contribution
working with my clients and through my speaking engagements as well as
teaching seminars and writing books.  When I own my wholeness, I am
free of my fear of being a loser, and instead have "Personal power" and
"faith" propelling Me forward.  I am free to live fearlessly.  Because
of that, MY c011tr1_ but ion goes beyond measurable accomplishments.
Yours Will too.  It will include the joy you bring to others when you
senile, the comfort you give when you are a good listener unerictl1w
be red by your own fears, the release of tension you inspire ill
everyone around you, the spirit of cooperation you promote in a place
where competitiveness had prevailed, the infectious enthusiasm you
exude.  When you are on your Wheel of Freedom, you're not trying to
prove anything, not trying to hide, not trying to save face, not trying
to put up a facade, not trying not to get caught, not trying to cover
up.  You are simply being you.  When you are on your Wheel of Freedom,
the whole world is better for it.

One Hundred Proactive and Self-Affirming Behaviors To get on your Wheel
of Freedom, particularly if something threatens to trigger your Wheel
of Fear, you need to take conscious actions that work for you.  In
fact, to help myself fend off fear in any given situation, I have
written down a list of actions that I know from experience are
effective.  When I am in a crowd, I draw deep breaths or take a mental
vacation to an open space such as a deserted beach or a grassy field.
When I am alone, I cry or dojumpingjacks or clean out the cupboards or
file papers.  When I am in an intimate gathering, I focus on someone I
love and let my love show or I turn a negative remark around with a
positive comment.  The reason I have my lists at the ready is that
thinking up the actions while threatened by the Wheel of Fear is
extremely difficult.  I recommend that you, too, 6nd the actions that
will move you toward your Wheel of Freedom, then write them down on a
wallet-size card, laminate it, and carry it with you.

TO get You started on your list of actions, I have given you one
hundred possibilities.  Put a check mark (&/) next to all the ones that
instinctively appeal to you-the ones you would really do and that you
feel would work:

ok SaY, I don't know," when You don't Give a compliment Ask for help

Take a cooking class Learn a new sport Be honest Stand out in a crowd
Confess your blunders to a friend Say no when you mean no Accept a
compliment Take a break Give a gift for no reason at all Stargaze Smile
at a stranger Cultivate good friends Make a daily checklist Keep
ajournal Ask for something you want Share your interests with others
Risk embarrassment Hire a coach Attend a craft fair Be considerate in
traffic Forgive yourself (or another) Speak the truth Brainstorm Listen
Initiate a conversation Complete the task in front of you Let someone
else go first Paint a wall Wear something daring Pamper yourself
Meditate Put emotional boundaries in place Create something Take the
class you have been putting off Breathe Eat right Get enough sleep
Speak so others can hear you Call someone who loves you Pet the cat
Give yourself a positive treat Do something kind for someone else
Appreciate the weather, rain or shine Listen to music Take a mental
vacation Clean the bathroom Go to the grocery store with a list Watch a
comedy Throw a dinner party Say you're sorry Stand for your convictions
Exercise Get professional help Plant some flowers Sing out loud Dance
Design a new business card Walk the dog Cry Listen to the birds

Send a love note Hug-a lot!  Take a nature walk Hit a pillow Spend
time alone Ask questions Lie on the grass Focus on a hobby Knit Do
research on the Web join a dating service Express gratitude daily
Adjust your standards Renegotiate your agreements Visit a museum
Practice the art of conversation Read a book Be interested

Smell a flower Pray Flirt Attend a recital Write five affirmations
Change your mind Be willing to be wrong Get (or give) a massage
Eliminate silent contracts Take a bath Obtain knowledge Run through the
sprinklers Focus on one thing at a time See another's point of view
Check in with a friend Get out of your own way Break your own rules Say
hello to everyone you encounter Follow your intuition Next, go back
over the list and put an X beside the ones that you realize would begin
to come naturally if you attained your wholeness.  Meredith, for
example, checked such items as "Eliminate silent contracts" and "Obtain
knowledge" for her list of proactive behaviors in order to claim her
essential nature of being courageous.  Then she put an X next to such
items as "Smile at a Stranger" and "Share your interests with others"
for her list of life-affirming behaviors that would evolve as she
attained her wholeness of personal power.  I checked "Ask for help",
"Speak the truth,"

"Dance," and "Paint a wall."  I put an X ,eyt to "Put emotional
boundaries in place,"

"Take a nature walk)" and "Create something."

82 FEARLESS LIVING Your Wheel of Freedom Now you're ready to create
your personal Wheel of Freedom.

Fill in the following blanks:

In order to claim My essential nature, I engage in the following
proactive behaviors: (items with check marks V)

When I claim my essential nature, I feel my wholeness, --------------
_. This allows me to engage in the following life-affirming behaviors:
(items marked with an X) Congratulations!  You now have the power to
free yourself from the Wheel of Fear.  Remember, it doesn't matter
where oil the Wheel of Fear you realize that you are spinning.  Like
Mally our fear when the core feeling Yo" people, you may recognize y e
from surfaces.  Or perhaps Yo" so desperately are trying to hid .  Y in
self may recognize your fear when you are already engaging .  Remind
yourself of your essew destructive behavior.  That's fine at least tial
nature by saying it out loud if the situation allows, Or thinking it.
Then sneak a look at your laminated wallet card of behaviors and start
doing something immediately to transform fear into freedom.

When you get better at recognizing your fear, you'll be able to
identify the thought that is your trigger that starts the Wheel of Fear
spinning.  This takes practice.  Our thoughts go through our minds so
fast that many times they are almost impossible to catch.  Yet as you
gain awareness, you will be able to release fear at every juncture and
get right on your Wheel of Freedom.

Signs That You are on the Wheel of Freedom You'll know you're there
when you experience one or more of the following states of mind.  They
will become more intense and last longer as you become more and more
adept at getting on your Wheel of Freedom with every choice you make.
At first you may experience these states of mind only briefly.  You may
even feel uncomfortable and attempt to push them away.  That's normal.
This is unfamiliar territory.  The thing to remember is that you have
made a great beginning.  Keep going until you begin to trust the
process.  This is not about perfection and not about having freedom
all the time, but rather about noticing when you do have the signs of
freedom and giving yourself credit for your expansion.

Being Present You start thinking about the problem you have to deal
with at work tomorrow when you're in the middle of a pleasant dinner
with your wife.  You stop yourself.  You look into her eyes and share
the love you feel for her.  Or maybe you are about to call all of your
friends to get the gossip about your blind date for this weekend.
Instead, you decide to go on the date without getting anyone else's
opinion.  You give yourself and Your date an opportunity to discover
each other without outside influence.  Or you are walking down the
street and see a"

"ranged friend.  Instead of spending five minutes debating AL

84 FEARLESS LIVING whether to say hello, you say hello immediately.
All life is decided in the moment.  No other place are choices made.
The more you are able to be present to your negative thoughts,
feelings, and behaviors, the more you will be able to override them the
moment they occur.  Investing in the moment-by-moment process of living
gives you the awareness to bypass your conditioned responses to life.
Focus on what is happening right in front of you as well as what is
transpiring within you.  When living in the present becomes
instinctive, life will be richer.

Acceptance You want to go to the latest romantic comedy but your
husband wants to see an action movie.  You flip a coin.

Action it is.  You make a conscious choice not to complain about the
result and instead find ways to enjoy your time with your husband.
Rather than spend all of your time frustrated and whining, you accept
the situation as is, becoming open and flexible to any new opportunity
that comes your way.  I am not talking about putting up with the status
quo or settling.  I am talking about distinguishing between your
reactions based in fear and your conscious decisions based in freedom.
When we go with the flow rather than fighting upstream, acceptance is
an effortless outcome and finding the goodness inside each new
opportunity is an adventure.

Inner strength Your friend Sally said something cruel to you.

Instead of brushing it off one more time, you speak up.  The inner
strength you are accumulating will propel you to speak and act
according to what is true for you.  Standing for yourself will no
longer be a dream but a reality.  You are cultivating the inner
strength through your commitment to your Wheel of Freedom.

Centered As you live more and more in your true nature, you will be
more centered in yourself.  No more looking outside of yourself for the
answers.  You begin to experience the truth that you have all the
answers within you.  All you have to do is

keep eliminating your conditioned responses by following the path to
freedom and claiming your essential nature and your wholeness.  Clarity
is no longer elusive.  Calm is available no matter how chaotic the
situation may appear.  There is deep sense that all is well.

Empowered The conversation iurns negative.  You turn it around.  Work
isn't going well.  You write positive affirmations to help focus you
back on your Wheel of Freedom.  You are capable, strong, and know your
boundaries.  When you feel empowered, you have internal permission to
do what must be done in order to live by your essential nature.  You
are internally focused and experience a surge of personal power.  You
begin to trust the process and, more important, to trust yourself.

Detached You asked for a raise.  Rather than judge how well you did by
whether you get the raise or not, you know it is in the asking that
character is built and freedom is released to work miracles in your
life.  Of course, you prepared and acted as if you would receive the
raise, yet your day wasn't destroyed if you were turned down.  This
became another opportunity to learn more about the process of being
you.  When you are able to be objective with no attachment to what is
right and what is wrong, there is space for life to work itself out for
your benefit.  No stress, strain, or pressure.  Being detached from
your feeling of 11ol being good enough will put you on the Wheel of
Freedom faster than you can say, "Yes to you!"  Not taking things
personally frees you up from blame, shame, and guilt.  Remember, other
people's fears have nothing to do with you.  Expecting a certain
Outcome is a thing of the past when you know that life is a,ythirig but
static.

Ab'"dance Rather than grabbing all you can out of fear that there won't
be any left, you affirm that there is enough to @o around.  Your heart
has expanded and generosity of spirit is

86 *4"--FEARLESS LIVING your calling card.  You give compliments
freely, share your ideas and resources with others, and believe that
there is plenty of love and support in the world.  When abundance is
your state of mind, your conversations and actions reflect that and you
attract as well as give more love, knowing that it is a boundless
resource.

Energized Each day is an opportunity to be yourself.  Energy moves
through you, so you can complete your daily tasks.  Excitement pulsates
all around you and others gravitate toward your enthusiastic view of
life.  No more feeling tired and rundown.  Instead, you feel relaxed
and ready to rest after a job well done.

Sati#4ction A strong sense of accomplishment is pervasive.  Feeling
satisfied that you can indeed do the task in front of you gives you the
courage to take the next step, and the next, and the next. Satisfaction
builds your self-confidence so you can do more and be more, all aligned
with your passion and purpose.

Synchronicity This is the place where you accomplish what's before you
without stress, strain, or sacrifice.  Opportunity and timing converge.
Life is sweet.  As you begin to spend more and more time on your Wheel
of Freedom, those instances will increase.  And they show up in big
ways as well as small.  Let inc share something that happened to me
recently to illustrate the power of daily synchronicity.

I was flying from Los Angeles to a speaking engagement it, the Midwest.
During a layover, my head began to pound, and my eyes blurred.  I knew
this was the beginning stage of a nilgraine and I had a two-hour flight
ahead of me.  11 and Pre-Fearless Living days, I would have "toughened
up suffered in silence in my attempt to hide my pain from the people
around me for fear of beingy thought of as weak or vulne'able  But now,
on my Wheel of Freedom, authenticity is my state "A

of being, and to help me achieve that state, my actions must be
authentic.  In this case, that meant asking for help and not denying my
health challenge.  Risking rejection, I went up to the flight attendant
in charge of boarding and explained my situation, asking to pre board
Whew!  I was sweating.  What if she looked at me and scoffed?  Or said,
"Sorry, against company policy."  Or worse, thought I was lying.  That
notion almost stopped me, but I reminded myself that was only fear
talking.  During those few minutes, fear told me I was acting like a
baby, when in truth, I was taking care of myself.  Speaking up was a
risk for the old, fear-filled Rhonda.  But the flight attendant smiled
and said, "No problem.  I get migraines myself.  I know what you're
going through."

As the plane was about to board, the flight attendant graciously
ushered me down the walkway.  Again, my fear of being seen as dramatic
and selfish surfaced.  I persevered and kept walking.  As I was just
about to get on the plane, a man came up from behind me and asked, "Are
you feeling ill?"

Now, in my fear-filled days 1, super woman Rhonda, would have turned to
him and said, "No, I am fine," and made my grandmother proud.  Back
then, I was so afraid of being viewed as worthless that there was no
way I would ever need anyone.  No way, not me.  I couldn't risk having
them reject me or think of inc as a loser and, ultimately, not worth
their time.  Keep it to myself, I would think.  This time, though,
authenticity won out.  I M11 willing to be vulnerable.  I cautiously
admitted, "Yes.  I am not feeling very well."

The next words out of the other passenger's mouth bowled 1,e over.

"Please take my seat."

"Excuse me?"  I exclaimed.

"Please take my seat," he repeated.

"You'll be more comfortable."  And with that William Belgard handed me
his seat assigliment marked 21), first class.

1 was flabbergasted.  First class?  I couldn't, I thought to my self,
That would surely be selfish.  That just wouldn't be fair, I

reasoned, I'm not that sick.  Yet anyone who gets migraines knows I was
indeed that sick.  My denying how sick I felt stemmed from my fear of
feeling less than worthy.

Again, Mr.  Belgard repeated his simple phrase: "Please take my seat."
And he went on to say this was his way of helping.  With that honest
admission of concern, my Wheel of Freedom was set in motion and I
accepted his seat with gratitude.  A few minutes later, I was sound
asleep in a leather recliner in first class.

Why did he give me his ticket?  Yes, to be helpful.  Yes, because he
was kind.  But he never would have had the opportunity to share his
generous spirit and I never would have received such kindness, if I
hadn't been willing to be authentic.  First, I had to be willing to be
rejected by asking for help from the flight attendant.  Next, I had to
admit I wasn't feeling well, which to my Wheel of Fear is a sure sign
of weakness.  Finally, I had to say yes to the kindness of a stranger.
My Wheel of Fear tried to trip me up at each juncture, yet I stayed
focused on my true state of being, authenticity.  This experience was
synchronicity on the Wheel of Freedom.

Everyone you meet is helping you either on or off your Wheel of Fear.
William Belgard was helping me off of mine by giving me an opportunity
to embrace more of my authentic nature.  I was sick.  I needed help,
and his offer was a gift from a stranger.  It's up to us to pay
attention and be alert to the many magical moments that cross our
paths.  Remember, we are responsible for our state of being, what
actions we take, and how we contribute to ourselves and to those around
us.

Those are just a few of the sensations you will experience the as you
begin to release fear from your life by embracing attributes of
freedom.  This isn't about comparing one daY tat her it is about
sustaining the process.  AlwaYl, it to the next.  P d is about doing
the best you can and knowing that's 900

enough.  No one is perfect all the time, no matter how to"911

that is for us to admit.  When you accept that this is a process,
results are more aligned with your truth and happen effortlessly.
Remember, each time you let go of your fears by taking actions
consistent with your essential nature, the power of fear is
diminished.

You may be stronger in one area of your life than another.  That is
normal.  You could be living on your Wheel of Freedom seventy-five
percent of the time when you are at work and plummet to twenty percent
when you are with your significant other.  Everyone will have one or
more areas that are fairly easy to master and others that are more of a
challenge.  But the challenging ones will eventually get easier as you
work the program.  I have seen countless people go from living a very
frustrating existence to owning their power and loving their lives. And
it didn't take long.  But what it did take was a commitment to their
Wheels of Freedom over all other commitments they had ever made to
themselves.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE

Define the words you choose for "essential nature" and "wholeness."  As
I said about the Wheel of Fear, this is yours and yours alone, so no
two people will define the words in exactly the same way.  The more
thoroughly you define Your words, the more quickly you will recognize
your Wheel of Freedom.  Again, no dictionaries, please.  This is for
your eyes only if you so choose.  Remember, my definitIOn Of my
essential nature, "authenticity," is "true to myself."  My definition
of my wholeness, "self-acceptance," is "I like myself.  I enjoy my own
company.  I see my beauty.  I don't compare myself to others but see
the value of my Uniqueness.  I don't expect others to understand me all
the t""e- I an, fully responsible for myself and my behavior."

Keep track of the signs of freedom you experience on a daily basis. The
sooner YOU can identify the signs, the sooner the Wheel of Freedom will
be a constant.

Write down the words "I am my Wheel of Freedom."  Then write your
essential nature and your wholeness just as you did on page 78.  put
the slip of paper with your "Wheel of Fear"-perhaps both as a sign over
your desk and as a laminated wallet card.  Remind yourself daily that
you are either on the Wheel of Fear or the Wheel of Freedom based on
each decision you make.

Pay attention to when you find yourself on your Wheel of Freedom.

Fill in the blanks:

If I carry my laminated list of proactive behaviors with me, I will
feel----------If I don't carry the list of behaviors with me, I will
feel if I claimed my essential natum I could if I claimed my wholeness,
I could if I were on my Wheel of Freedom, I could d you have identiBy
now you have learned what fear is an , YOU Will fied your Wheels of
Fear and Freedom.  As we go on that learn concrete aspects of the
Fearless Living program will make your Wheel of Freedom ever more
present and powerful for you and allow you to consciously move beyond
YoOr Wheel of Fear.  e heeded my advice about keeping t1lis I hope you
have al stages.  Now here's some very, work to yourself during the
initi

The Wheel of Freedom 91 good news: The time has come to reach out for
the comfort, companionship, and counsel of friends and family members
whom you can count on to support you as you continue to learn to move
off your Wheel of Fear and onto your Wheel of Freedom.

But be careful!  You need to tune out the advice of anyone well meaning
or not and related or not-who is likely to keep you down or nudge you
onto your Wheel of Fear.  Read on to find out who those people are ....
 Fear Junkies livia wanted to quit her high-powered job as an
advertising agency executive and turn her backyard greenhouse 0 into a
business.  She was making great money at the agency and had a corner
office with a window, but she didn't enjoy her work.  Not a day went by
that she didn't think about how much fun it would be to do what she
really loved.  Everybody raved about her plants, especially her
orchids.  She knew she had the proverbial green thumb and she felt
frustrated that her greenhouse was nothing but a hobby.

The trouble was that at fifty-two, Olivia was worried not only about
giving up her salary but also about losing her benefits package.  She'd
have to roll over her 401 (k) and get individual health insurance.
Besides, she was concerned about whether she had enough of a financial
cushion to float her if the bull ness went under.  Still, she didn't
want to end up seventy ye3is old, looking back and regretting not
having gone for it.  So Olivia had the courage to make a decision to
resign.  The night before she was planning to let the boss know she'd
be lea,619, she happened to run into her neighbor, Larry, in the
produce aisle at the supermarket.

Fearjunkies *1$4 93 "It's a good thing the store is open twenty-four
hours," Larry said.

"I would never get my shopping done otherwise.  Man, I'm beat.  I was
at the office until seven Pm.  You, too, I'll bet.  It's tough.  11
"Well, yes," Olivia said.

"I was at my desk pretty late as usual.  But that's about to change.
Tomorrow I'm going to give my notice.  I'm quitting.  You're looking at
the future owner of Olivia's orchids.  Good-bye day job hello the real
me!"

"Whoa!"  Larry said.

"Are you for real?  Don't you know that most new businesses fail within
two years?  Anyway, if it's shorter hours you're after, forget that.
You'll work harder for yourself than you would for anybody else.  Look,
just about everybody has dreamt of being an entrepreneur.  I know I
have.  Jennie and I have always talked about opening a
bed-and-breakfast.  But unless you've got a trust fund, you're making a
huge gamble starting your own business.  Are you sure you're doing the
right thing?  " Olivia winced.  Larry had just brought up every
argument against opening Olivia's Orchids that she had thought about
herself before she came to her decision.  Hearing him voice the risk
factors she had already dismissed made her doubt herself.  The sense of
exhilaration she had felt moments earlier gave way to a surge of
fear.

Larry was what I call a Fearjunkie.  Like the Wheel of Fear itself,
Larry wanted Olivia to choose safety over risk to prevent a variety of
unfavorable outcomes such as getting taken, being d'lappointed, losing
money.  Of course Larry did not mean to h",-t Olivia's chance for a
life she loved by squelching her d'Cam.  In fact, like almost all Fear
junkies, he believed he was (lo"19 Olivia a favor.  And, of course, in
some ways he was.  His cautionary tales were all true.  But because
Larry lived on his Own Vffieel of Fear, terrified of taking a chance on
opening that bed-and-breakfast, he was unable to move from caution to
preca,ition.  Fearless Living isn't reckless living, after all.  Olivia
had 'n fact done the arithmetic that assured her that quitting her job,
vas 'lot going to spell immediate financial disaster.  She had

94 FEARLESS LIVING move.  Yet Larry's recital of the risks prepared
for her fearless put her back on her own Wheel of Fear.

The denouement of this story, fortunately, is a fearless one for both
Olivia and Larry.  She came to me for coaching.  Along with teaching
her the principles of Fearless Living@ I sent her to the small Business
Administration.  After a couple of meetings, tl,@t Olivia was ready to
make her venture a reality bethe fact came clear to her again.

Three years later, Olivia's Or spired by Olivia's triumph, Lar chi ds
is a huge success.  And inry and Jennie have opened Stop Inn,
aB&Bwithadec e contemporary decor and cuisine that has attracted a
younger and more affluent clientele than had frequented the area's more
traditional Victorian-style establishments.  Olivia, Larry, and Jennie
are all making a good deal more money than they had before beginning to
live fearlessly.

That, to my delight, is a very common occurrence.

As Larry demonstrated during his supermarket encounter with Olivia,
everyone has a Wheel of Fear.  Think of the people you love.  No matter
how together they seem, they, too, have fears.  And they, like Larry,
may Project those fears onto you.

Most of them don't mean to.  They just can't help it.  They are unaware
of how their own fears are coloring their conversations with you.  They
don't know that their hesitations or doubts or worries are their own
fears projected onto your latest project or new love Your job is to
become vigilant about what you share and with whom.  This is not about
withholding your love.  It 11 about understanding the fact that just
because you love certain people and they love you as well does not
automatically guaraltee they will be supportive of you.

However, you may need to leave certain people behind by severing a
toxic friendship or even ending a destructive marriage  Some people in
your life may be suffering from debilitating or dangerous emotional
disorders or addictions.  If so' guiding them toward professional help
or twelve-step Programs is ideal.  Saving those people is not your job.
If they resist help, get yourself safely away from them.  This is one
instance in which fear is making you aware of a genuine threat to your
well-being.  There truly is a reason to be alarmed and to beat a
retreat.

Most of the time, though, you can maintain cordial and even loving
relationships with key people in your life who turn out to be Fear
junkies, unwitting or not.  You can learn, for example, not to take
your mother-in-law's dire warnings about life personally and simply
maintain polite interaction with her at family functions.  Similarly,
you may be annoyed with a friend because she is always complaining
about how she feels stuck at her current job yet never gets up the
nerve to do anything about the situation.  Yet you might welcome her
guidance when it comes to child rearing, since you admire the job she
is doing with her own kids.  The trick is to figure out what you value
in any given relationship and learn how to focus on the positive
aspects.  If you want to stay connected, then soak up whatever advice
and affirmation you can, and remind yourself that the things that
bother you have nothing to do with you.  Your friend gripes about her
job because she is on her Wheel of Fear.  When you understand that, you
are able to relish what you love about her and filter out the rest.  In
other words, the next time she starts in about her dead-end job and
won't let you get a fearless word in edgewise, realize that she may be
one of those people who doesn't want to change.  Take care of yourself
by tactfully changing the subject to child rearing, the topic that is
not derived from fear.

The friend in that hypothetical example shows that people whu are
basically dear to you may temporarily prove to be Fear Junkies in
certain areas.  Also, some people may temporarily act as Fearjunkies
when specific situations present themselves.  I'm thinking about the
period when I was the culprit in a situation vol ving my best friend,
Marta.  Most of the time, we are completely supportive of each other.
But when it came to the quest' on Of whether her teenage son should
have a job, we were at "ggerheads.  Alder had turned sixteen, and I
believed he 'h1uld get a job.  After all, I had worked from the age of
fourblen. Well, Alder didn't get a job.  I was beside myself.  But in
Al@&

96 FEARLESS LIVING I was top priority and if Alder didn't Marta's
opinion, schoo work, she understood.  I was furious.

"What do you mean it's okay?"  I'd say.  How is he supposed to become
responsible and develop a good work ethic (like me)?  How is he going
to learn the value of a dollar (like me)?  How is he going to prepare
for a life of sacrifice (like me) if he doesn't work and pay for his
own way (like me)?  Each argument I had-and of course I just knew I was
right-would end up in our disagreeing, on the basic idea of workin gD,
during high school.  I thought it was a must and she saw it as an
option.  From the time Alder hit sixteen until he was nineteen, I
couldn't talk to Marta about her son.  Each time she brought his name
up, I would start giving "the speech."

Of course my Wheel of Fear fueled all of the anger.  I was jealous that
Alder didn't have to work during high school, while I did.  I was angry
he was allowed to be a kid when I hadn't been.  I was beside myself
because I couldn't get Marta to understand the "right" thing to do-the
"Rhonda Truth."

I now realize that each family needs to look at the issue of working
during high school in the context of each child's needs and abilities,
and then decide accordingly.  But during that time, there was no
talking to me.  I unconsciously wanted to make sure my unfortunate
adolescence was vindicated.  During the stretch when Marta and I didn't
agree about Alder and work, we continued to empower one another in
other areas.  if you expect your best friend or your spouse to be able
to talk about anything and, more important, to be everything and
supPort everything, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. The
key people in your life do not have to agree with every decision you
make in order to have an ongoing supportive relationship.

However, certain people are more likely than others to hold you back
rather than cheer you on.  Let's look at profiles Of the five most
common types of Fear junkies.  As we move through the following list,
be sure to jot down the people in your life who fit into each category.
Some may belong in more than one category, depending on the
circumstances, and some may be

negative influences in some areas and positive influences ill
Fearjunkies *0,4 97 others.  The idea is to clarify in your mind
whether there are people in your life who are hindering your pursuit of
Fearless Living.  Like Larry, Olivia's neighbor, they may eventually be
inspired by your example and stop living in fear themselves.  But
whether they do that or not, don't let them keep you from finding
freedom.

Dream Drainers The members of this group are the most dangerous of all
because they mirror your Wheel of Fear.  That is, they believe that you
need to be protected from the possible results of risk taking such as
rejection, disappointment, and the feeling of incompetence or
worthlessness.  As a result, they mimic and reinforce your own inner
voice of fear.

Dream Drainers say such things as:

Are you sure you want to try it?

What makes you think you're capable of accomplishing that?

What if you make a fool of yourself?  What if you lose your shirt?  Why
rock the boat?

Me Dream Drainers don't want you to get hurt, so they do everything
they can to make you see how impossible your dreams are.  They love you
and they think they know you better than You know yourself Usually
they're trying to keep you in You" rut because they are comfortable in
theirs.  If you listen to the I)rearn Drainers, your essential nature
will be suffocated even more quickly than if you had only been
listening to your 0" voice Of fear reiterating the reasons why what you
want to do WO't work.  Their hesitations become your hesitations.  They
"I't distinguish your dreams from their fears.

98 FEARLESS LIVING Of course, the Dream Drainers honestly feel they
have your best interests at heart and they are absolutely correct that
if you try to achieve your dreams, you might fail and get hurt.  So if
you do go for your dream in spite of the Dream Drainers and don't
succeed immediately, the Dream Drainers in your life will be right
there to tell you, "See, I told you so."  But if you don't try, you
will never know what you are capable of.  You may not accomplish all
you set out to on the first attempt, yet you may on the second or the
fifth.  And you will never know if you don't go for it.  Each precious
moment of your life in which you are frozen with fear is a moment when
you are not being all you can be.  In the end, that hurts more than
anything.  Succeeding or failing does not determine if we are surviving
or living.  Rather it is in our ability to reach beyond our present
self-imposed definition of who we are, and to risk becoming more, that
we are able to feel fully alive.

Example of a Dream Drainer in Action: Valerie's Mother On hearing that
her daughter planned to move to New York to pursue a modeling career,
Valerie's mother said: "You want to be a model?  Get the stars out of
your eyes.  You'll probably end up thirty-five years old and still
waitressing at Denny's, for Pete's sake.  What you need to do is go to
college and get a teaching certificate.  That way you could land a job
anywhere.  Plus you'd get health insurance and a pension.  Also, the
hours are perfect for when you have kids.  Trust me!  I know about
dreams that lead nowhere.  Anyway, those show people are always getting
into trouble.  I'm afraid that even if you did get your career going,
you would end up miserable.  I love you too much to wish that on
you."

She's afraid.  Dream Drainers are always afraid for yo But you've got
plenty of fear of your own to master.  You don It need any more than
you already have.  Like Valerie you may not Warit to resist or hurt
your Dream Drainer.  Valerie's fear made her think that her mother
might be right, but her intuitiOn J@cpt

Fearjunkies *00- 99 telling her to go ahead with following her dream.
Valerie worked with me on how to step back from the situation to be
sure she was on her Wheel of Freedom and then consciously decide
whether modeling was for her.  When she did, she was able to see the
situation for what it was: her mother's fear of failure projected on
Valerie.  She decided that she was not going to accept her mother's
fear as her own.  To get herself centered, Valerie picked an action
from her list of proactive behaviors.  She took some deep breaths and
took the action.  Afterward, she was able to thank her mother for
sharing her concerns as well as how grateful she was that she loved her
enough to care.  Then she courageously told her mother that she was
going to go ahead with her plan anyway.  She asked her mother to
support her in spite of her reservations.

Valerie's mother wasn't used to having Valerie stand up for herself.
She took a minute or two to digest this new behavior.  This frequently
happens when anyone starts facing up to the people who drag them down.
Valerie braced herself for another speech.  But her mother finally
said, "I understand.  Okay.  I am still scared for you.  But I will try
to be supportive."

The changes that happen in the dynamics of your relationshiPs when you
begin to stand for your dreams are amazing.  Instead of letting the
Dream Drainers take control, you take umtrol- Not accepting their fear
as your own frees you and also giVes them a chance to see things
differently.  Remember, Dream Drainers are just scared.  If you quit
buying into their fl@4,"s, they have a better chance of finding freedom
themselves.

lVho are the people in your life who put doubt in your mind, Us' love
as their excuse to take your dreams away, or, even worse, give You the
feeling that it is not okay to be you?  List the Individuals whom you
thought of as Dream Drainers.  Separate the People you must associate
with due to work or family rela6orls""Ps from the ones who are
optional.  Pick one individual "@h" isr't obligatory and think about
how you interact with that person.  Do you feed their worries?  Do you
talk about your

100 FEARLESS LIVING problems without actively discussing solutions?
Are your doubts the only thing you share?  if so, you may be
contributing to the Dream Drainer's fears.  Perhaps instead you could
choose to share only powerful positive aspects of any event.  Silence
is also very powerful when you don't know what else to do.  Practice
with someone who is not a "must" in your life and then move on from
there.

Complaining Buddies These are the guys who confirm your worst fears
about life being hard, tough, or a dead end.  When you're on the verge
of turning around and looking for a way out of the maze, they remind
you that you're wasting your time.  Relationships with Complaining
Buddies are definitely not good for you.  But they feel good in a
perverse sort of way.  As the old saying goes, misery loves company.
The trouble is that Complaining Buddies are the friendliest and easiest
of fear-based relationships to maintain because they appear to be
harmless.

The sob stories of the Complaining Buddies can be very seductive as
well.  Like all fear-inspired behavior, their tales of woe do a
convincing imitation of the truth.  You can easily get sucked into
believing them.  Hearing that other people are dealing with pretty much
the same seemingly hopeless struggles that you are facing gives you the
perfect excuse to decide there are no solutions.

Sometimes your Complaining Buddies may attempt to help YOU solve a
problem, but in the end their advice always turns into some version of
"You can 't,"

"You shouldn't," or "N'at makes yon sO special that you think you can
change things around here?"  The result is that you're feeding on each
other's fears and perpetilat, ing the myth that you're powerless to
change the status quo.

Complaining Buddies say things such as:

The rich get richer, but guys like us don't stand a chance, guess if we
were meant to be rich, we would have bee" born that way.

Fearjunkies 101

He dumped you?  Men are all alike.  Why bother?  Some people have all
the luck.  Too bad we're not some people!

You can't save any money?  Me neither.  It's the tax bite.  The more
you make, the more they take.

I told you so.  You just can't win around here.

Example of a Complaining Buddy in Action: Craig, a Coworker of Steve's
Steve worked in an advertising agency.  Craig was the guy in the next
cubicle.  When Steve brought up the idea of asking for a promotion,
Craig went into his litany of complaints.

"Man, there is absolutely no chance for advancement in this place,"
Craig said.

"You and I deserved to get promotions and raises after we busted our
butts bringing in that new account last month.  But let's face it.  The
boss didn't even say thank-you.  And here we are, still pushing papers
and barely making ends meet.  You know what I mean?  It's not fair!
Sure, we could try to get new jobs, but if we moved to another company
we would Probably have to start at the bottom.  I've worked too hard to
start over.  At least I have my three weeks of vacation, and my Profit
sharing kicks in next month.  I have too much to lose if I leave. Well,
gotta get back to the grind.  I guess that's life.  Listen, it's been
great talking to somebody who understands what it's like around
here."

No, it hasn't been great-not for Steve and not for Craig.  All that has
happened is Craig's attempt to convince Steve that there's no way off
the Wheel of Fear.

Who are your Complaining Buddies?  Be honest with your*lf, Admitting
that your best friend could be the very one keep' ll9 You down in
certain areas of your life isn't easy.  Yet this Often happens when you
are growing at a faster rate than the

ng Buddies probably don't other person is.  And your Complaini d Iching
you.  The ideal, of course, would even know they are sque ventually
from your fearless example.  be for them to learn e friends but
consciously filter out the In the meantime, stay complaining.  you are
the one initiating the complain Be aware of whether ected, and
lamenting about ing behavior.  We all like to feel com of feeling part
Of the justices can become a habitual way life's in for a day or two,
and if you find that you pack.  Listen to yourself i * always start a
conversation with .a gripe, even one couche( in humor, begin to make a
conscious effort to reframe your remarks in the positive or to look for
something to celebrate, however small.

puppeteers ate you-all for These are the people who want to mar'Pul
truth, most of them do think ur own good of course.  And in thers yo
ing by "guiding" you.  Stage Mo d they, re doing the right th are a
classic example and so are Little League dads.  As note psychiatrist
Carl Jung explained, "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically
on their environment and especially Of' their children than the unlived
life of the Parent."  Parents (Or grandparents or favorite aunts and
uncles) who need to live "C_ ariously through the children in order to
fulfill failed dreams Of their own share a powerful fear that the
younger generation Will lose out just as they did.  Teachers and
coaches can be PIIPPeteers as well.  What all Puppeteers have in common
is that the'v make you afraid that the life path being foisted on you
is th .e on.  And if You don't live their only one that could satisfy Y
be labeled a loser for dream, you will surely live to regret it and
spent a lifetime blildthe rest of your life.  The Puppeteers have Iced
ing evidence to prove their position and they are coil"'

what they are suggesting is the only way.  But whether or not you have
the talent, the smarts, or the looks to go through the Mo'

Fearjunkies *@,$z 103 tions while they pull the strings, everyone
concerned will be disappointed and miserable if you don't also have the
desire.  And you must be successful or their efforts will be in vain.
If not, blame and shame are sure to follow.

Puppeteers say things such as:

When I was your age, I would have killed for a chance like this.

I know you'll do me proud.

We're all counting on you.  Do this for the family.

You're too young to know what you want.  You'll be sorry later if you
don't listen to me now.

Example of a Puppeteer in Action: Tyler's Grandfather Tyler had been
accepted to Harvard Law School.  Very impressive indeed.  But after
working through the Fearless Living program, Tyler suspected that fear,
not desire, was what had made him apply in the first place.  He told me
about something his grandfather had said: "When I was your age, I would
have given anything to go to law school.  We lived in a tenement on the
Lower East Side of Manhattan.  My dad did odd jobs and my mother took
in laundry.  There were six of us kids, so there was 110 @NUY I was
going to Harvard, which is what I always dreamt of do"19.  So now, my
boy, it's your turn.  I've made good money 'll11ning the deli all these
years.  I can afford to give you the opPortunity I never had.  We'll
finally have a Harvard lawyer in the family!  The trouble is, Grandpa
never stopped to ask whether Tyler h,ld even the slightest interest in
passing the bar, let alone "piRating for a living.  And until he
identified his Wheel of Tyler had no idea he was basing his entire
future on a re response to fear.  What sounded like the chance of a
life for Tyler was nothing but a guarantee that he would be

controlled by a fear of not measuring up to his grandfather's
expectations.  Tyler would end up being afraid to be true to his
essential nature.

What did Tyler do?  He began preparing his family by dropping hints
here and there.  Many people do drop hints but stop there.  However,
dropping hints is just the preparation stage for the honest dialogue
that must eventually occur between the people involved.  After hearing
a few well-placed hints, the Puppeteers are better prepared emotionally
to handle the conversation.

Tyler and I rehearsed before the big showdown.  In reality, it wasn't
that at all, but that is what it felt like to Tyler.  His fear of being
an outcast and rejected by his family was foremost in his mind.

In the end, he did very well.  Instead of talking about how he didn't
want to go to law school, Tyler began the conversation with the concept
of loving your work, being happy, and living with purpose.  He and his
grandfather had a great discussion, and then Tyler told him what he
intended to do: write poetry and make a reasonable living as a college
professor.  His grandfather balked.  But then he saw the determination
in the set of Tyler's jaw.

"Tell me more about this dream of yours," Grandpa finally said.

Tyler experienced immense relief that the conversation did not become
the huge confrontation he had imagined.  He w2is ecstatic.  Grandpa had
ended up not only understanding, but agreeing to put the money that he
had earmarked for law school toward Tyler's Ph.D.

Who are the Puppeteers attempting to control your life?  0 yourself
whether their dreams for you are the same as your Owl" If not, I
challenge you to stand for your own dreams and desires by putting
healthy emotional boundaries in place with tl'e Puppeteers in your
life.

Rivals in Disguise These people aren't easy to recognize because they
often seem so genuinely helpful.  They'll tell you how to handle a job,
what to wear, who to butter up, where to be seen, what to say, and
offer plenty of other hints that sound as though they are meant to help
you get ahead.  The trouble is that the advice is deliberately
misleading.  Rivals in Disguise, in fact, are the only people on this
list who are tripping you up on purpose.  Everybody else we've been
discussing means well but gives you a bum steer because each person's
Wheel of Fear is in control.  Rivals in Disguise are also coming at you
from their Wheel of Fear-fear of failure or of not being good enough or
of being worthless-but they are aware that they are hoping to bring you
down.

They are usually highly competent or talented, but they feel threatened
by your competence and talent anyway.  They have a need to get you out
of the way in order to make progress of their own, as though life were
a race with only one possible winner.  They are so trapped in their own
Wheels of Fear that they are stunted morally and emotionally, and they
believe there is not enough to go around.  Scarcity, lack, and
limitation are concepts that keep their Wheel of Fear spinning.  They
don't understand that we can all be winners in our own way.  After all,
life is 'lot about win, place, and show.  It's about personal best-and
the peaceful acceptance that our personal best is continually expanding
and refining as we change and grow.

How can you tell a Rival in Disguise from a genuine mentor?  When you
make a specific request for information or advice, they brush you
aside, change the subject-or worse yet, give you a Misleading answer.
Intuitively, you know you shouldn't trust then'.  And you're right.
They are smiling while they plan your demise.  They want to know
everything about what you are doi119 yet share none of their plans.
Also, the green-eyed competi1'3rs can't resist slipping in a catty
remark or a put-down when they make "helpful" remarks.

106 *4"z FEARLESS LIVING Rivals in Disguise say things such as:

I'm glad you let me have a look at the notes for your presentation. You
can use all the help you can get.  Anyway, I see that you've hit on a
lot of the points the boss always goes for.  But you're better off
surprising him with a couple of ideas that are really off the wall. I'd
totally rework this if I were you.  Trust me.

Let me tell you something, just as a friend.  That dress isn't you.
Certain people can pull off a look that's really dramatic, but your
style should be a lot more low key.  Why draw attention to yourself?
Come on, one more drink won't hurt.  The night is young!  You'll be
more relaxed for that interview in the morning if you chill out now.
I'll bet you were a nerd in high school.  Ha hal Like, you actually
"just said no" and you never stayed out past your curfew, right? Loosen
up, mani

It doesn't matter how I got my last promotion, what matters is helping
you move up and out.  So quit asking questions about me, what have you
been doing lately?

Example of a Rival in Disguise at Work: Georgia's Writilig Teacherfor
Her Adult Education Course The teacher called Georgia up to her desk
after class one evening and said, "I'm glad you told me that you got a
letter Published in the newspaper.  But please don't take that as a
sign that you could become a professional writer.  Your work is nice,
but this is a tough business.  I ought to know.  I've had my share of
rejections like everybody else.  Take it from me.  There's no sense
getting your hopes up.  I mean, this could be a nice hobby Jol NOU, but
don't quit your day job."

Georgia was crushed and she let her teacher's remarks hold her back for
a while.  Then she enrolled in one of my serniflars

and began facing her fear.  She realized that whenever she wanted to
submit something in order to try to begin a professional writing
career, she literally saw her teacher's face and heard his words.
Because he was more experienced and a teacher, Georgia thought he knew
best.  But the instructor was just downright jealous of Georgia's
talent.  And that jealousy was twisted into a piece of advice that was
not helpful at all but harmful.

Rivals in Disguise are masters at dispensing that kind of advice.  And
if you confront them in any way, perhaps asking them for more
information or questioning how they formed their opinion, Rivals will
brush you aside or question why you don't trust them, implying that you
must be insecure.

The best way to deal with the Rivals in Disguise in your life is to
avoid them.  If you can't do that, then just don't listen to them.
These sinister people are not worth having in your life.  They will
change only if they finally wake up one day and wonder why they don't
have any true friends.  You can't force them to change.  They have to
do it on their own.

Who are your Rivals?  They are threatened by you.  Get out of their way
because if you don't, they will attempt to mow you down.

Rearview Mirrors These are the people who bring up a subject when you
are pas" it, supposedly to show how far you've come.  The last thing
Y111 need is a reminder of the Wheel of Fear's self-destructive
behaviors you've worked so hard to transform.  Yet when you have a
Rearview Mirror in your life, the incidents you've Processed, released.
and moved beyond will be brought up again and again.

I am."of talking about you and your best friend or therapist Processing
the past or using it to congratulate yourself for all the changes you
have made.  Many times we must look back in order to acknowledge how
far we have come.  But Rearview

Mirrors, in contrast are sabotaging your growth by not letting unders.
Instead, they keep building eviyou forget any of your blue by
constantly dence that your worst fear about yourself is tr bringing the
past into the present.  Rearview Mirrors evoke memories that leave you
disempowered, making you wonder if you can hold on to your
transformation.  What makes them do this?  They sense that you are
evolving emotionally and they are afraid-often rightly so-of being left
behind.  if possible, help them to move forward with you.  But whatever
you do, don't let them pull you back.

Rearview Mirrors say things such as:

from John?  How long has it been since Do you ever hear you broke up? I
still can't believe you were involved with somebody like that!  I'll
never forget the day you didn't make the cheerleading squad and I did.
You were this little geek with the pointy glasses and you couldn't do a
split to save your life.  Of course you were on the debate team and I
wasn't.  But the jocks don't exactly go out of their way to hit on
geeks.  High school sucks, right?  Remember your college nickname?
Shorty!  I think you're the first guy under six feet who ever got into
Sigma Chi.  Congratulations on making partner!  Wow, if they ever knew
you failed the bar three times, they'd probably revoke your license to
practice law!  Hal

Are you going to Julie's Labor Day barbecue this year Pemember how
drunk you got last year?  Didn't you throw t1P in her geraniums?  Julie
sure can throw a party.

Example of aRearView Mirror in Action: My F'end Ken After I had begun
working earnestly on my personal develOPment I faced the fact that I
had relied on alcohol to get oie through much of my pain.  It was time
to let it go.  This was a Or

Fearjunkies *0,4log ficult period for me, particularly when I began to
remember the embarrassing situations I had gotten myself into.  After I
quit, looking at myself in the mirror some mornings and dealing with my
remorse was hard enough, but my friend Ken made things even worse.  He
would repeatedly bring up-in front of other people-stories about my
past that I wasn't too proud of.  He wouldn't put those memories to
rest.  I know that for him the stories were entertaining, yet I was
trying to change, and being reminded of those episodes made me feel as
though he didn't approve of the new me.  They also kept bringing up
feelings of shame about how I used to be, which made me doubt my
ability to succeed in maintaining my sobriety and my new way of
thinking.  I'm sure Ken, by sharing the intimate details only good
friends would know, was trying to prove how important he was in my
life-not realizing that the very thing that he was doing to stay close
was actually pushing me away.  His constant references to the past
brought up my Wheel of Fear, causing me to relive events that made me
feel worthless just when I was in the process of learning how to master
my fear and accept myself.

Eventually, I realized this and I quit hanging out with Ken.  That was
hard.  He had been one of my best friends, yet he was no longer
behaving like a friend.  He was pulling me back into the past.  I see
now that he was doing it in an attempt to keep me in his life because
he was afraid I was drifting away as I changed.

8ut at the time, neither he nor I had the skills to discuss what "Vas
going on.  We just avoided the subject and eventually quit talking to
each other.  I'm sure he thought I was ungrateful and 'luck UP.  At the
same time, I thought he was immature and thoughtless.  Neither was
correct.  Ken's fear of losing me was dictating his behavior, and that
brought up my fear of being a 1111r.  Fear had won again, ending our
friendship.

Do You have anyone in your life who is having a hard time acr@Pting and
supporting your essential nature?  Someone who keep, repeating stories
of the past that you would like to put be4 and YOU?  Name the people
who keep talking to you as if you

110 *A"-z FEARLESS LIVING were the same person you were five, ten,
twenty years ago-or maybe just a year ago You do not have to have the
same outcome I had with Ken.  Maybe your Rearview Mirror is someone you
would like to keep around.  If so, the next time this person tells a
story about your past, politely say, "Gosh, that was forever ago.  Let
me tell you something that happened to me just yesterday."  And then
take charge of the conversation.

I , .0, FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE List the people you know who belong in
each of the following categories: Dream Drainers; Complaining
Buddies;

Puppeteers; Rivals in Disguise; Rearview Mirrors.

Do you have to be in a relationship with any of these people due to
work or family If you do, use the techniques in this chapter to deal
with them.  If not, ask yourself if you are Willing to let the present
state of the relationship go.  This doesn't mean confronting or giving
an explanation, it Simply means no longer participating with them.  if
you want to keep your relationship going, name one way you can handle
the next encounter with them differently(A good place to look is your
Wheel of Freedom proactive list).  Remember, don't spend your time
trying to change their behavior.  That would be frustrating and
ultimately frui de You can only change your response to their behavior
with any certainty.  Pick one proactive behavior that you can rely on
whenever you encounter someone who belongs to one of those groups.

it might be walking away or smiling or saying, "That Is interrotiO
esting," and then changing the subject or breathing through the
conversation while silently reminding yourself that the do not support
you.

Fearjunkies *40 111 How and with whom do you exhibit the qualities of
a Fear junkie?

Choose one relationship you would like to alter and pay attention to
your behavior each time you encounter that person.  Consciously choose
to take actions consistent with your Wheel of Freedom.

Now you know who your Fear junkies are.  Let's move on to the people
you cherish, the beloved and loving ones who help you even as you help
them in the lifelong challenge of outsmarting fear and living free.

 Your Fearbuster Team king for support from the right people at the
right time '1"'@ "' 0 y summon the courage to show more of who you
helps you Aare tol the world.  Yet when most of us attempt to connect
with people-both those who are already important to us and those we're
hoping to get to know-we avoid truly revealing ourselves.  of course,
hesitating to trust is not always bad, as we have just shown in Chapter
4 when we listed the Fear junkies who unwittingly or purposely thwart
your essential nature persuading you to be afraid to follow your
passion.  But as the poet Maya Angelou said, "Nobody, but nobody can
make it out here alone."  is identiShe is absolutely correct.  Central
to Fearless Living fying the people in your life who not only have your
best inter' ity of spirit and the ests at heart but also have the gen
eros "Port.  Of compassion to give you unqualified love and suF course,
that works both ways.  Never forget that relationships are two-way
streets.  The beauty of Fearless Living is that as YOU Waster your own
fear, you'll be in a better position to look after the people you care
about when they're the ones who need bel'i

And you won't lose your own sense of self as you reach out to them.

I'm going to refer to all of the key people in your life as friends,
although some may be related to you by blood or marriage.  In other
words, certain family members are friends and others are not.  Remember
the Puppeteer parents we met in Chapter 4?  That's a perfect example of
relatives who aren't behaving as friends.  Similarly, you might have
one brother who is a friend and one who is not.  On the other hand, you
might have a friend who is dearer to you than any family member.

All of the people you identify as friends are vital members of what I
call your Fearbuster Team.  Unlike the Fear junkies we talked about in
Chapter 4, the members of your Fearbuster Team don't fall into neat
categories.  They play different roles for you at different times.  Yet
what they share is enthusiasm for who you are and who you are becoming,
along with an abiding delight in your emotional prosperity.  And you,
of course, reciprocate their enthusiasm and delight.

Identifying at least three and preferably five to seven people who are
members of your Fearbuster Team is valuable.  They don't need to know
one another.  The point is that they all qualify because they are eager
and able to support you in various ways, and vice versa.  That is
extremely important because as Meredith found out on the night when
Phil walked out on her, being dePendent on one relationship only is not
healthy.  No one can fill all liour needs all the time-not even a
spouse who actually is a genuine lifetime soul mate.  For example,
there will surely be certain challenges and changes in your life that
call for input frOm someone who has the wisdom of experience in that
area.  Y'Dul Mother, if you have a good rapport with her, can be in a
better Position to help you through the physical effects of your first
Pregnancy than your husband is.  Your sister the CEO may be in a better
position to help you gain business acumen than Your brother who is
fresh out of college.  All of this perhaps apPear, to go without
saying, but I have seen far too many clients

support in all arwho have either relied on one other person for from
the wrong eas or who have solicited counsel and solace people given the
situation at hand.  r Team, not just one signifiThat's why you need a
Fearbuste our growth and success.  Incant other.  The team is essential
to Y rise that you are if you are already successful in the se
cidentally, Ous, you need to reach out for Fearprominent or even fame
else it truly can members just as much as ever yon buster Team people
can see you as a kind of icon, not as be lonely at the top.  Pfrailties
and needs.  They can't believea human being with believe-that you have
fear just like every indeed don't want to f groupies, but nobody YOU
can body else.  You might have lots 0 be the strong one.  They are
really turn to.  They all want you to afraid to see your vulnerability.
Don't let that happen to YOU Find people who know that in spite of
your accomplishments and status, you have a Wheel of Fear just like
everybody else t FEAR y4k": e members of your Fearbuste, To help you
begin to identify th Team, do the following exercises:

List your friends and immediate family members, th era Are you esWhat
is your present relationship to obligatOrY tranged?  Close?  Is Yours
an J-have-to-see-them relationship?  they supportive?  Career?
RelatiOn' In which area of life are ing@ write the area next to their
ships?  Leisure?  Child rear rtive in all areas, but name.  Some people
may be supPO in one Or at's not often the case.  Most will support you
.  not ill thur spouse is Ot two areas.  Your best friend, or even yo
charge of guessing everything you need.

Define friendship.  What does it mean to YOU?

Your Fearbuster Team A"- 115 WF

What qualities of friendship do your family members and friends embody?
Are they loving?  Compassionate?  jokesters?  Nonjudgmental?

Do you embody those same qualities?

What kind of friend are you?  What qualities of friendship do you
embody?

How do you contribute to the people you call friends?

In what areas of life can you be counted on for support?

What are the challenging areas of friendship for you?  What would you
like to change about your relationships?

Fearbuster Teams in Action As we begin to identify our Fearbuster Team
members it is crucial to remember that there will be central members
who are the core of the group while other members come and go depending
on what is happening in your life.  I have nine people I count on
regularly to help me break through my fear, et I have numerous other
people whom I go to for specific Sattations.  For instance, my writers'
support group consists of Carol) Chellie, Linda, and Victoria.  They
are there for me twice a month, yet Victoria is on my team above and
beyond the writing group.

lie re are the members of my main team:

1) Marta, my best friend 2) Cindy, my older sister 3) Linda, my younger
sister 4) Greg, a friend and colleague 5) Kimberly, a friend 6)
"Victoria, a fjiend and member of my writing support group David, a
friend and colleague

8) Bonnie, a friend and colleague 9) Ras, a friend Meredith, the
onetime husband pleaser we met in Chapter 1, now lists:

1) Lucy, her teenage daughter 2) Nigel, her new beau 3) Barbara, a
friend que lover 4) Judy, a friend and fellow anti 5) Ralph, her
brother 6) Cathy, her ex-husband's sister 7) Tracy, a friend Nigel,
Judy, and Tracy are friends Meredith acquired after ess of living
fearlessly.  She met Nigel at she began the proc ed him fingering
neighborhood garage sale, where she spott s than the price at she
suspected was worth far les vase th nature, she aptag.  With her
newfound courageous essential .nion.  He was charmed pro ached him and
offered her expert op, r work as by her forthrightness and her obvious
passion for he valued is tory  As for Judy, she is a an antique dealer.
The rest is hwho has become a dear friend.  customer at Meredith's
store demY er of an online support group for sud And Tracy is a memb
and Meredith e-mail single women that Meredith joined.  Tracy t in
person one another regularly and have made plans to mce when Meredith
is in Tracy's area antique hunting.  t of NweLucy Ralph, Cathy, and
Barbara had all been a par I of Fear, but Sl1e dith,s life when she was
still stuck on her NOee .. n aking Of had never effectively included
the iii in her decisio -in clinging her dreams.  Before her divorce,
when Meredith wasn't ted the only people whom she frequently con nec
wa's reto Phil, ddies.  All they did, of course were her Complaining Bu
where arbara, a dental hygienist at the office f in force her fear.  B
-ptionist, was one 0 Meredith had worked part time as a rece the
office, t1l them in those days.  Over lunch at a diner near

Your Fearbuster Team 117 W%_ two women used to whine endlessly about
how the dentist they worked for was a tyrant and how the patients were
all difficult.  Barbara and Meredith also loved to moan about how their
husbands and children took them for granted.  Barbara, a natural
comedian, made Meredith laugh in a bitter sort of way with her tales of
being the classic doormat.  Needless to say, neither Barbara nor
Meredith felt better after their exchanges.  Then, after Meredith quit
her job and opened her antique store, she kept Barbara in her life by
meeting her for lunch occasionally.  But she stopped being a good
audience for Barbara's "stories of the day."  Every time Barbara
complained, Meredith shifted the subject to something positive-either a
genuine compliment for Barbara ("Your hair looks great.  Where'd you
get it done?") or an acknowledgment of herself ("I contacted a couple
of Web designers today to get quotes on what it would cost for me to
launch a site for my store").  Meredith tried the same tactic with all
of her Complaining Buddies, but only Barbara responded positively.  I
reminded Meredith that changing other people is 'lot possible because
they will only change if they want to, not because we push them.  And
in reality, the only one we can truly change is ourself As we become
more aligned with the proactive and self-affirming behaviors on our
Wheel of Freedom, the people around us will respond either positively
or negatively to our transformation.  We cannot choose their response
or force it.  And those who respond negatively consistently will
usually no longer be interested in being our friend.  In their eyes we
will have changed, and more than likely not for the better.  As we
grow, we must be willing to allow the friendships that need to move on
to do just that and accept new ones in our life.  I ac[Iftowledged
Meredith for being open to Barbara, and advised 4er to focus on
enjoying their revitalized relationship.  Barbara had begun making
fearless changes in her own life, including ""'king for a job with a
more reasonable boss..  L'Y, Ralph, and Cathy had not been Meredith's
Complaining Buddies.  They had simply been on the emotional fringe of
14,redith's life.  After she began living fearlessly, she became

118 0 FEARLESS LIVING to cheer her much closer to all of them as she
allowed them n happens.  Be open to inviting people into your on.  This
ofte .  ed at how pleased many of process.  You'll probably be surpris
them are to share your fearless journey.  rs, let's have a To help you
assemble your group of supporteTeam can play.  look at the roles the
members of your Fearbuster ers are familiar with the tenets of Fear Of
course, if your memb less Living, so much the better.  You'll be able
to communicate more efficiently and profoundly when you're all speaking
the same language.  And don't be discouraged if you find yourself with
fewer than three individuals on your present team.  Building a powerful
Fearbuster Team takes a willingness to identify what you need as well
as an open mind to include people you have never thought of in this
capacity.  I challenge you to embrace any opportunity to connect with a
potential Fearbuster Team member.

Support Buddies There are times in your life when you need
cheerleaders.  You need unconditional love and support.  You need to
hear people who know you and care about you say, "You can meet this
challenge because you're you.  Give it everything you've got.  And
remember that I'll always love you no matter what."  In other words,
like devoted sports fans, Support Buddies will root for you because
they believe in you, but they won ,t give up on you if you suffer a
setback.  They are not fickle.  vVhether you "Wirl or our lose they 9re
your biggest boosters.  They're always ready to enc age you to keep
going.  And when you do have a charnpiOnsb'P season, they go wild.  not
be good at sen' Remember that your parents may or may ts for

- The notion that parents (or grandparell , ing this function to their
that matter) are automatically capable of offering love children with
no strings attached is a fallacy.  This does 'lot mean that your
parents or grandparents can't be members of

Your Fearbuster Team :@11e- 119 PIV your Fearbuster Team.  They may be
superb sources of some of the other forms of help that we'll be
exploring in this chapter.  just don't make the mistake of calling on
them when you need Support Buddies if that's not their strength.  In
fact, this principle holds true for all of your team members. Recognize
the ways they help you master your fear and don't expect them to do
more than they can.

The people who are good at being your Support Buddies provide a safe
environment for you to explore being you.  They praise you to the skies
when you need it most, but they never give you false encouragement.
That's why you trust them when they tell you what your strengths are.
They empower you, remind you of your gifts, give you the space to
change and grow, and aren't upset when the cycle of friendship means
that there are times when you are either less in need of support than
you once were, or less available, or both.  They may have seen you at
your worst, and they love you anyway.  They have also seen you at your
best and they help you celebrate that without your having to fear being
thought of as egotistical.

My sister Cindy saw me at my worst.  We had every reason to despise
each other after my parents died.  She tried to take over as Mom but no
one could take Mom's place.  I resented Cindy's attempts to help me.
Yet Cindy was always right there for me no matter what.  Each time I
sabotaged myself, she would buy me a book or send a card or call to see
what she could do.  With her consistent support, I was finally able to
realize that she did beliciie in me, so in turn I began to think maybe
I could do the ,alne.  Your Support Buddies believe in you when you
don't be" eve in yourself That is the greatest gift of all.

You can also vent to your Support Buddies about a genuine roadblock in
your life and they'll help you remember that you're ready, willing, and
eminently able to overcome the situatiOn and be true to yourself When
they listen, you have time to P.ro,ess the fears that have been holding
you back.  And they will YOU the feedback you need to help you gain
clarity regardY situation in your life.

120 *A,"_FEARLESS LIVING Your Support Buddies will be proud of you
with each baby step you take and help you up when you fall.  And don't
forget that you usually need to ask for their help.  They're not
psychic.  If I ever feel myself slipping back onto my Wheel of
Fear-that is, doubting my worthiness-I call on Marta, one of my most
trusted Support Buddies, and ask if she has time to refresh my memory
about the truth of who I am.  If she does have time, I tell her what I
am experiencing and then tell her what type of support I need.  We have
trained each other to ask what type of support is needed instead of
assuming the other one knows.

When feelings of worthlessness come up, that usually means I am
forgetting that what I do has value and a purpose.  In those moments, I
ask her simply to remind me that I'm good at what I do.  She will then
ask me to choose one of the many letters of thanks I have received-I
save them all-and read it out loud to her.  Or she'll remind me of a
time during one of my workshops when someone stood up and publicly
thanked Fearless Living for changing his or her life for the better. Or
she'll replay a speech I gave that woke the audience up to their fears
and showed them a way out.  Marta will go on and on until I tell her I
feel better-until I am back on my Wheel of Freedom.

In the end, Marta usually has me laughing.  After I talk with her, I am
renewed and can face my day knowing that my doubt is not the truth of
who I am.  And in the process, she has helped me build new evidence to
prove that, which is the main reason support is important.  Support
gives us the courage to have confidence in who we are faster than if we
relied only on ourselves.

When we are in our Wheels of Fear, it is difficult to ren-lernber for
ourselves what our commitments are.  Others will remember I True
reaching Out for us.  They are our link back to ourselves.  9 takes a
willingness to be vulnerable, yet it also allows us to practice the art
of trusting with the people who love us most.

For Meredith, her fourteen-year-old daughter proved to be a natural
Support Buddy.  Lucy, who was twelve when her parents

s per marriage ended, effectively came of age as her mother's Pc so
nal cheering section.  Watching Meredith grow and ch

Your Fearbuster Team 121 Plv had been inspiring for Lucy as she
approached adolescence.  In turn, Meredith had developed a respect for
Lucy's judgment and evolving maturity.  At a time when many of Lucy's
friends were rebelling against their parents, Lucy and Meredith forged
a relationship based on respect and admiration.  That's why Meredith
trusted Lucy when Lucy went into Support Buddy mode.  Here are some of
the ways Lucy encouraged her mother:

Lucy saved up her babysitting money to buy a gold-plated necklace
engraved with VI Mom," and gave it to Meredith on the day she signed
the lease on the space for the antique store she was planning to
open.

Lucy made a habit of buying greeting cards with messages such as "What
would you do if you knew you could not fail?"  and gave them to her
mother whenever Meredith needed comfort and motivation.  Lucy wrote an
essay in English class entitled "My Mom Is My Role Model" and then had
it framed as a birthday present for Meredith.

On an evening when Meredith came home distraught because an irate
customer had ranted about having to wait to make his purchase while
Meredith was talking to her landlord on the phone about the overflowing
toilet, Lucy said, "None of that was about you.  You're totally amazing
and really good at running your business.  Who knows where that guy was
coming from?  He probably yells at everybody.  lie could learn a thing
or two from you about that Wheel of Fear you keep telling me about! And
the Wheel of Freedom too.  Anyway, let's talk about your plans for the
coming Year, the way we were doing last night.  Are you really going to
open a new location?  That is so incredibly cool!  All the other kids
are jealous of me for having a mom who totally rocksr

ERCISE

4V'-- FEAR BUSTER EX Y@Fkv Remember when I mentioned that Marta and I
"trained" each other to be good Support Buddies?  You can do the same
in order to establish reciprocal relationships that put everyone
involved in a can-do, fearless frame of mind.  The secret is to learn
the language of support:

Issuing orders doesn't work when someone is in emotional pain.  Yet
people often do just that.

"Snap out of it," someone might say.

"Get over it.  Chin up.  Stiff upper lip.  Stop crying."  People cannot
will their negative feelings away.  If they could, they would.  There
would be no fear and no depression and no grief.  The person seeking
support needs comfort, not sermonizing.  You and your Support Buddies
can practice saying such things as "I hear you.  I'm sorry you're in
pain (worried) (confused) (overwhelmed) (doubting your abilities). What
do you need?  How can I support you?  Would you like me to remind you
how valuable (smart) (amazing) you are?"  Avoid trivializing the
persons feelings.  You know-and in fact the person knows-that the
feelings are transient.  That doesn't make them any less unpleasant at
the moment.  So don't say, "Tomorrow is another day.  You've blown this
whole thing way out of proportion.  You're really overreacting."
Instead, practice saying, "I'm honored that you feel comfortable
talking with me when you feel this way.  I'm here for you."  Don't
compare the person's pain with other people's, as in "There are Plenty
of people a lot worse off than you are."  A person who has gone blind
in one eye is not going to feel better when reminded that there are
people who are totally blind.  The same goes for emotional wounds and
needs.  Let the person feel the pain.  Honor that pain.  That's the
only way we can own it and master it.  Similarly, avoid jump ilil'@

Your Fearbuster Team '1"-- 123 @PIIVF with stories from your own life
or stories you've heard about other people.  You shut down the lines of
communication when you cut someone off with "I know just what you mean!
Why, when my aunt Ida was getting a divorce, she was a basket case."
You are turning into a Complaining Buddy instead of functioning as a
Support Buddy.  Instead, use simple inteiJections that keep the person
talking: "Really?  Wow.  Go on.  Hmmm.  Then what happened?"

9 Ask the person if they want your opinion.  Don't be offended if they
don't.  Often when feelings are fresh and raw, the person is not
capable of hearing advice.  And never, ever, even in a joking way, feed
into the person's fear by suggesting revenge in the form of "If I were
you ..."  Saying something like "What a jerk!  If I were you, I'd
strangle him!"  is destructive, not supportive.  Say instead, "You were
obviously hurt by that.  Why don't we talk about some of the times when
people have appreciated you?  " 0 And if the person is ready and
willing to take new action, ask them, "What are you committed to?" This
allows them to remember what is important in their life and reestablish
a connection to it.  Your job is to be a reminder, whether just by your
presence if they aren't ready to hear it, or verbally, if they are,
that they are magnificent.  Giving them the opportunity to remember
what is important allows them the freedom to move beyond their fear
with more ease due to your support.

A-1 you and your Support Buddies get better at the language 111pport,
you'll "catch" one another when negative phrases ""P out of your
mouths.  Marta and I still do this and we usually "Md up
laughing-which, of course, helps the healing.

Wise Council Sometimes, of course, you need more than just
encouragement.  You need a chance to gain some perspective.  That's
when you call on the members of your Fearbuster Team who can act as
Wise Council.  The role is context sensitive.  Meredith, for example,
didn't rely on fourteen-year-old Lucy as Wise Council when Meredith was
drawing up a business plan for expanding her antique store to a second
location.  Instead, she called her brother Ralph, who is a successful
entrepreneur himself.  Ralph proved to be an ideal sounding board and
brainstorming partner even though he was facing some challenges of his
own as a result of having lost two valuable employees to a
competitor.

Ralph's Wheel of Fear had been reactivated when that happened, but he
was able to look at Meredith's situation objectively in spite of his
own concerns.  That is the hallmark of someone who is capable of acting
as a member of your Wise Council.  A Wise Council member who has a core
fear of failure doesn't let that cloud his judgment when helping you
sift through the pros and cons of taking a new job  He can play the
devil's advocate in a productive way by listening as you sort through
the possible results of what you're considering doii1g, and then
encouraging you to assess how you would handle the various outcomes.

The reason that the people on your Wise Council are able to consider
your agenda without imposing their own fears on it is that they have a
fair amount of peace, freedom, and equilibrium in their own lives. They
are big enough emotionally to be in a position to wish you well. And
when you succeed, they re3li" mean it when they say, "I'm so happy for
you!"

You may also want to seek professional help to act as Wise Council.
just as you would have a surgeon perform your appew dectomy, you can
hire a professional to help you lose N*;Cight, OF ure make a career
change, cope with a crumbling, marriage, qualian addiction.  The money
you allocate for sessions with a fied nutritionist, personal coach,
physical trainer, counselor,

Your Fearbuster Team *,0 125 therapist, or social worker is money well
spent.  And usually there are sliding scales available to suit your
needs.

Check your local Yellow Pages or use a Web search engine.  Also pay
attention to word of mouth.  The recommendation of a satisfied customer
still goes a long way.  But keep in mind that the counselor who worked
wonders for your aunt Sally might leave you cold.  Hiring a counselor
or coach is a very personal decision.  And if you ever feel pressured
to sign a contract, walk out.  Reputable companies and individuals will
want you to make this decision at your own pace and because you want
to.

Another good source for referrals is professional associations.  Go to
your local library and ask the reference desk for books on
associations.  There are thousands.  Look up your area of interest and
contact the appropriate group.  Representatives will be happy to help
you find the information you're looking for.

I can't tell you what the techniques of all the various professionals
could be.  You'll need to evaluate potential coaches and counselors on
your own.  And be sure to ask them about their skills, experience, and
educational training.  Most will be happy to meet with you for no
charge to help you figure out if they are right for you.  Listen to
your intuition.  Trust it.  If you feel intimidated or frightened, then
this person-no matter how many degrees are hanging on the wall-is not
for you.  If you want a personal coach, find someone who will hold you
accountable by assigning you "homework" that will make a difference for
you.  lie sure to check out http://www.FearlessLiving.org for numerOus
resources.  Important: Remember to give both yourself and the
professional enough time for change to take place.

Whether your Wise Council members are professionals or friends, their
function is to help you think things through.

"Vhell my client Leslie was considering moving from a smaller
entrepreneurial company to large corporation, she called a successful
colleague who had no reason to be threatened by her.  Gary said, "I can
understand your hesitation.  You'd be making a lot More money, but
you'd be giving up the autonomy you have

*_"-g FEARLESS LIVING.  This is a very personal decision.  You I at
the smaller company creative, to think up and di-' have to consider
your ability to be port ant  A lot of people rect new projects, if
that's what's im iserable with would go for the larger dollars, but if
you'd be in someone directing You, then would the switch be worth the
extra income?

410r do you want more money because your leisure time is what matters
most to you?  Also think about the fact that you would have the
challenge of leading a larger work force.  You could make quite a
difference in that big company.  it's all about a balance sheet.  Get
it down in black and white.  Make columns on a piece of paper.  Give
yourself time to mull everything over.

And by the way, in my experience, when you make the choice that aligns
with your personal commitments, 9everything falls into place.  You get
ahead simply because you're doing what's really you."

Leslie did her homework and then set up another meeting with Gary to
evaluate the data she had collected.  The upshot was that the corporate
challenge stirred up her passion exactly because she didn't know if she
could do it.  Fear had turned into excitement through the guidance of
her Wise Council member.

Your Wise Council members ask open-ended questions allowing you to come
up with the answers for yourself as well as helping you investigate
your options without comparing them to what they personally like or
what they would do.  Their own fears are put aside as, free of their
opinions and personal agendas, they listen to you. They are wise enough
to know that what would work for one person may not work for another. 
In the end, they know you are the only one who can decide.  Each time
you call on your Wise Council, you engage your Wheel of Freedom and are
able to give yourself permission to risk.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE

To get the most out of an encounter with a Wise Council member, be
prepared:

Make a written list of concerns you have about a risk you're
considering taking.  If possible, give yourself two or three days' lead
time to do this so that aspects of the potential venture will have a
chance to occur to you at odd moments.  Trying to come up with a list
in one sitting often isn't as effective as letting the topic stay in
the back of your mind and allowing it to bubble up unbidden.  Be sure
to keep a notebook handy so you can capture your thoughts when they
happen.  I'd even have paper and pencil on the nightstand in case an
idea wakes you up in the middle of the night.

Treat your time with your Wise Council in a businesslike way.  I
remember one client, a young woman in her twenties, who learned to use
her mom as a Wise Council member.  Whenever Chloe, the daughter, was
facing a scary new grown-up challenge, she called her mother and asked
for 4t consulting time."  They stuck to the topic at hand for fifteen
minutes to a half an hour, either in person or on the phone.  When the
sessions were over, time permitting, Chloe and her mom had lunch and
allowed themselves to talk about other topics.

"It was like flipping a switch," Chloe remembers.

"It worked great for us."  Don't rely on memory alone.  Take notes
and/or tape record what your Wise Council member has to say.  Keep in
mind that your Wise Council is not there to make decisions for you. You
are accountable for your own life ald your own decisions.  You're not
consulting with Wise Council members in order to get yourself off the
hook.  After each session, take some time alone to write down your

128 FEARLESS LIVING conclusions, as well as any new questions that may
have come up.

Voices of Experience Let's say you've been cheered on by your Support
Buddies, thought things through with your Wise Council, and made a
brave decision to take a risk by trying something new.  Whether you're
going to change careers, have a baby, have elective surgery, move to
Alaska, or get a divorce, you may want the guidance of Voices of
Experience along the way.  You're past the point of choosing your new
Fearless Path.  You're already on it.

And sometimes along the way you're going to experience doubts and feel
your fear.  That's when the reassurance of people who have been down a
similar route and encountered similar pitfalls can be invaluable.
Meredith, for example, couldn't call on her daughter Lucy, her favorite
Support Buddy, to help her through the specifics of her divorce.  Her
brother Ralph, the entrepreneur, was no expert in that situation,
either, since he was happily married.  True, both Lucy and Ralph were
sympathetic, but when it came to concrete help-both emotional and
practical-Meredith counted on Cathy, her ex-husband's sister.

Cathy could relate when Meredith said she had recurring, painful
memories of happier times past when she and Phil Nvee young.  Cathy had
advice for Meredith about how to get a phone and a credit history in
her own name after eighteen years as Mrs.  Him.  Cathy made Meredith
laugh through her tears by telling tales of how she survived the ordeal
of dropping her kids off at her ex's house for visitation and being
greeted by a brand new other Woman.

"You're not alone," Cathy would saY.

"You're not crazy.  This is the way it feels.  And you'll get throjigh
it just the way I did.  And you'll be better for it."  su port You can
also find Voices of Experience in organized P groups both real and
virtual.  Support Groups such as AICO5 artn rst holics Anonymous,
Weight Watchers, Parents Without P

and the National Association of Women Business Owners can be invaluable
supporting you on your path.  There are thousands more, including
faith-based groups, singles organizations, and gender or ethnic-based
associations.  I joined a writers' group when I first embarked on this
new aspect of my career.

And plenty of people find solace and advice on the Web during
challenges and crises ranging from losing a job to losing a loved one
to welcoming a second baby to caring for aging relatives.  Mentors are
also Voices of Experience.  Because they are accomplished in the career
you're aspiring to, they are inspiring and instructive examples of what
being on the N'eel of Freedom can do for people.  Remember, even if
your regular Fearbuster Team doesn't include a member who has the
experience you need in a specific situation, you can look elsewhere.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE

The point of seeking out Voices of Experience is to get a green light,
even if you also get some gentle warnings about how to cope gracefully
with what may lie ahead.  What you definitely don't need are doom
sayers  As we have seen, Cathy was able, to put an emotional arm around
Meredith's shoulder during her divorce because Cathy felt she had
achieved a positive Mitcome after her own divorce in spite of the
challenges along the way.  If Meredith had turned to someone who was
sour and (leteated as the result of a divorce, that would only have
hurt Mleredith's chances of mastering her fear.  To make sure you
choose Voices of Experience who will help you say, "Yes!"  to the ri,k
You're taking, use the following litmus test:

Ask Your potential Voice of Experience whether he or she WOUld do it
over again.  For example, "If you had it to do over again, would you
(get divorced?) (have your rotator cuff rePaired?) (take out a loan to
start your own business?) (have a baby after age forty?) (refinance
your mortgage?)

if the answer amounts to a lot of hand wringing, you've got a Fear
junkie on your hands.  People who love to tell you the gory details,
even if the outcome was ostensibly successful, are still on their
Wheels of Fear.  The person who landed on her feet after being dumped
for a trophy wife but who still wants to dwell on what a skunk her
ex-husband is won't help you at all.  The fellow whose shoulder is now
as good as new but who loves to tell you that he suffered the agonies
of the damned after the surgery is not the man you need to listen to.
Sure, it's nice to know something about what @s in store, but right now
your most pressing need is to hear that you're on the right track.  You
need a divorced friend who stresses the good times and gives you a
thumbs-up, or a person who says that a little post-op pain will be just
a memory and you'll be glad you got yourself put back together again.
You're looking for votes of confidence, not horror stories.

Powerful Partnerships Powerful Partnerships are relationships in your
Fearbuster -term commitment.  They may Play Team that involve a long d
dim any of the roles we have already examined, but the adde ect of your
lives is devoted to mens ion is that at least some asp Id be Yoal or
enterprise.  Your Powerful Partner cc" a joint g geruse, your business
partner, your agent, your aianag yourspo team up, often legally with a
signed anyone with Whom YOU of time.  Commitment is p@ivacontract, for
an extended period and boundaries must be spelled out, as @vell mount.
Agreements ibilities.  Compliments are freely given and as roles and
res pons tners also help one anothel, gratefully received.  Powerful
Par all be face their fears without putting each other down- That c
challenging.  The secret is that Powerful Partners ask before 91N'll1tv
to ing any coaching.  Then the other person has an opportu , admit if
he or she is ready for it.  derstands that in order fo' the if you have
a partner who un you have a parter relationship to thrive, you both
must thrive

Your Fearbuster Team 131 Pl V to be cherished.  You and your partner
can be a Fearless Living team, consciously and actively encouraging one
another so that your sum is greater than your separate selves.  You can
accomplish more together, monetarily and emotionally, than either of
you could on your own.  You are pulling together, jointly putting fear
in its place and rejoicing in your freedom.

If partnerships as ideal as the one I've just described are rare, that
is only because most people enter into relationships based on fear.
Both people are desperately seeking approval, yet trust is elusive when
neither partner is willing to risk full disclosure.  We offer a false
front in an attempt to feel safe rather than taking a chance on
achieving genuine intimacy by revealing the truth of our
imperfections.

Sadly, most people can pour their hearts out to strangers on an
airplane or pay their therapists to get an earful, but turning to their
partners and telling them they are scared or lonely is unbearable.  Yet
how can we know true love, friendship, and support if we don't dare to
show ourselves to one another?  If you don't reveal yourself, aren't
you always wondering in the back of your mind if your partner really
loves you?  The more we hold back, the more insecure we can become,
just waiting for the other person to discover the very thing we have
been attempting to hide.  Powerful Partnerships override that tendency.
When your commitment is to the partnership, you have permission to be
yourself, knowing that other person is there to help You become even
more of who you are-and vice versa.

Sam and Jacob are an example of a Perfect Partnership.  They Itarted a
Web incubator in New York City's Silicon Alley in 1997, and three years
later they were riding a crest.  When an opportu11ity car He for a
takeover, Jacob got cold feet.  He told Sam that he didn't want to end
up working twenty-four seven  Sam heard Jacob Out with no
interruptions.  After a thoughtful silence, Sam 'lid, "If we decide to
acquire our competitor, that will mean extra hours at work.  Do we want
to do that?  I know how important fishing is to Your well-being, so we
could make an agreement.  If @"u cut back on your fishing for one month
while we integrate

132 FEARLESS LIVING their system to ours, I will have no problem if
you want to take long weekend to go to your favorite spot.  And during
the hol days this year, I would appreciate if you could help me out so
could spend some time with my family back in Seattle.  Do you want to
go for it?"

As Sam and Jacob prove, Powerful Partnerships work because you and your
partner appreciate each other's strengths and respect each other's
needs.  With mutual support, getting off the Wheel of Fear and moving
toward the Wheel of Freedom is .),ht say some easier  You both benefit.
A business partner mig thing like "I don't want you to feel you have to
stay stuck if this business is no longer your dream.  I can see you are
ready to move on.  Let's take a hard look at the numbers and figure out
a plan so that you can make a change.  Either I will buy your share of
the business, we will find a new investor, or something else will come
along.  My commitment is to help us both achieve success."  A husband
might say something like "If you want to volunteer to read to the
blind, that's terrific.  The kids and I will be fine the evenings you
7re gone.  That'll be our quality time."  A wife might say something
like "Sure, I'll miss you if you spend a month in Maine at that summer
artists' colony, but honey, you can't miss this.  You're this close to
showing your paintings.  This is just the opportunity you have been
looking for."

ISE z FEAR BUSTER EXERC If you're on the verge of forming a
partnership, put your agreement in writing.  You can include a clause
that says Y011111 renegotiate as time goes on and circumstances change.
13"t if don't shy away from getting everything down on papm even'
you're madly in love.  Perhaps especially if you're madly it, love.

Many a marriage was destroyed, or at least damaged, by hid dell
agendas. Whether the issue is as seemingly unimportant as W110 is going
to take out the garbage or as major as whether the C110dren will be
brought up in the husband's religion or the

m

Your Fearbuster Team!"@ 133 Wk make sure it's on the table.  The same,
of course, is true for business partnerships.  Any kind of Powerful
Partnership works only as well as the contract between the two of you.
When it's clear, your chances of living fearlessly together are very
good indeed.

Now you have discovered where your friends fit in your life and how to
best serve each other.  To expand your Fearbuster Team, I challenge you
to make the following an ongoing commitment: connect with one person
with whom you would like to reestablish a bond, thank one Fearbuster
Team member for his or her support, and reach out to one new potential
supporter.  With this as your base, your Fearbuster Team will always be
filled with supportive, loving individuals who think you are the
greatest.

Now that you have your network of friends in place and poised to help
you, you're ready to begin the really deep work of' the Fearless Living
program.  First, we'll eliminate the unrealistic expectations that have
been keeping you afraid that you're not good enough.

THE FEARLESS LIVING PROGRAM

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

 No Expectations n a January evening in the southern city that was my
new home, I was getting ready to go out with Daniel.  We had fallen
crazy in love the previous March during an idyllic spring break in
Florida.  After I went back to finish my sophomore year at the
University of Minnesota and he went back to the southern college where
he was a senior, we kept up a long-distance romance.  Our phone bills
alone totaled upward Of six hundred dollars a month, and he treated me
to a steady str earn of flowers delivered to my door plus occasional
surprise visits.  When summer came, we agreed that I should switch
schools and move down to be with him.  I rented my own apartnieiit and
settled in, but I fully expected the fairyw-tale ending to be iii
arriage  I would be safe in Daniel's love, never abandoned "I'd afraid
again.

However, things weren't going exactly as I thought they should.  While
I fussed with my hair and picked out a nice outfit, I Iliade up my mind
to talk to Daniel that night about how disaPPOinted I was that I hadn't
seen more of him since I had arI' Vcd six months earlier.  I had talked
with him several times "Ib""t this but I just wasn't getting through to
him and I was not

138 FEARLESS LIVING happy about that.  After all, I had left a college
I liked and relocated a thousand miles away from my sisters.  Sure,
Daniel's schoolwork was demanding, but hadn't I moved here for him?

He owed it to me to try harder.

What I didn't know was that Daniel had a scenario of his own in mind
for that night.  After dinner, during which I made my speech about not
getting enough attention, we ended up at our favorite bar where we had
a few drinks with some friends.  I joked about how I had gotten a case
of the pre wedding jitters when Daniel and I had looked at engagement
rings a couple of weeks earlier.  Daniel chose that moment to let me
know it was over between us.

He nodded and said, "Yeah, I had the same reaction.  It's a good thing
we didn't buy a ring.  Because actually I don't think I love you
anymore."

My whole body froze.  I couldn't breathe.  I was fourteen again, back
in Michigan on that rain-streaked June day when my father's gunshots
instilled the powerful fear that I didn't deserve to be alive.  I was a
loser.  I was worthless.  I was unlovable.  I had been publicly dumped
by the man who was supposed to make all the pain and fear go away. This
couldn't be happening.

And then the self-loathing gave way to rage.  Not again!  Hadn't I been
through enough?  How dare he!  Daniel knew about my past.  Couldn't he
understand that I was doing the best I could after what I had been
through?  Shouldn't he try harder after I had pulled up my roots, said
good-bye to my family, and followed him on the promise that we'd be
together always My initial paralysis loosened its grip.  Fear drove me
beyond the limits of my fragile control and I snapped, unleashing a
hailstorm of hostility toward him, a shoe-pounding shower of broken
mirror behind the bar.  The owner deemed my departure necessary for the
safety of the other patrons.  The bouncer showed in' tile he asked
door.  Daniel made no move to come with me.  Instead, his roommate to
drive me home.  I decided Alone in my apartment, I paced like a cat in
a cage- I rea I had to get out of town.  Maybe that would hurt
Daniel

so ned I couldn'tjust hang around waiting for more rejection and
humiliation.  I had to make him miss me.  What should I pack? Wandering
around my apartment in a stunned panic, I gathered whatever was in
front of me and stuffed it in my suitcase.  I grabbed some marshmallows
and Band-Aids, matches and a cushion, a cassette tape and some pencils.
I made some hot chocolate.  I stopped to dust a table. I sat down to
dial the phone.  I had no direction or balance.  I was losing it.

I left countless unanswered messages on Daniel's machine.  Then when I
dialed, the line was busy.  I called the operator to break through and
was told that his phone was off the hook.  I couldn't believe this was
happening to me.  Not with Daniel.  Not now after I had given up so
much to be with him.  Why wouldn't he talk to me?  In the silence, with
my cup of cold cocoa, I refused to accept the reality that the man who
once couldn't bear to be away from me didn't want me anymore.

Then the fear that I was worthless surfaced again.  Obviously, I
shouldn't have been surprised when he dumped me.  I'm sure I deserved
it.  I called my sisters to try to connect with someone, anyone.  I
told them how awfully I had behaved, but hung up when they began their
litany about thinking positively.  Both of them were instinctively
reacting as members of what I would later identify as my Fearbuster
Team when I developed the Fearless Living program.  But at the time, I
was not open to their love and support.  Cheerleading wasn't what I had
in mind.  Punish"lent was.  I desperately wanted someone to hurt with
me, not help me.  At that point, I was terrified Daniel was gone for
good, which meant more evidence that I was worthless.  I came to the
conclusion that if I took my life, Daniel would forever regret his
decision.  Alarmed by my own thoughts, I reached for the Phone.

"Suicide Hotline.  This is Nancy.  May I have your name Please?"  the
upbeat voice said.

"Rhonda.@$ "Hello, Rhonda.  Thanks for calling."

I told the overly nice woman that I wanted to kill myself, thus

140 Az FEARLESS LIVING eliciting what was surely a standard
question-and-answer routine.  I gave her my phone number, a phony
address, and sketchy details of my relationship problems.  Nancy then
proceeded to read-or so it sounded-a script that was meant to keep
crazy types like me off the tenth-floor window ledge.  Every@ thing
about her delivery bothered me.  Her canned rhetoric and nauseating
tone only made me feel more alone.  I ended the call by telling the
volunteer that because of what she had said, I was going to kill myself
for sure.

In search of sympathy, I turned to my last hope, Woody, MY best friend
of the month.  I called and told him I had taken some pills.  The
realization that I hadn't thought this through very well hit me when he
announced that he was on his way over.  Now I either had to take the
pills or confess to Woody that I hadn't told the truth.  I couldn't
bear to be a liar.  Daniel was a liar.  I was not going to be like him.
In my confused state, making good on my word seemed to outweigh the
risk to my life.  I didn't have anything exotic on hand, but I
swallowed every over the-counter pill I found in my medicine cabinet
and purse-an entire bottle of aspirin, the rest of the Tylenol, some
antacids, my vitamins, a packet of Midol, even the calcium
supplements.

Woody had called 911 before he left.  To my dismay, he and the
ambulance arrived at the same time.  I would have preferred to be
passed out by then, but no such luck.

After the drama of the emergency room, where I was forced to drink
something that smelled like rotten eggs to make nic vomit, I woke up in
the psychiatric ward.  Once you land there, you don't get to tell them
you were just upset with your boyfriend and then check out.  I was
"observed" for a few days.

After that, the assigned therapist told me with the utmost sincerity,
"You have no real friends here, no family, no support.

just go back to Minnesota."  cold?

That was not what I wanted to hear.  How could he be so This was not
the treatment I expected from a professional therapist.  But secretly,
I knew he was right.

No Expectations 141 WF Most of us expect certain things to happen a
certain way.  We've planned for it.  We've visualized.  Maybe we have
even lit candles at church, just to be sure.  We want to do more, have
more, and be more.  We not only want to have it all, we expect to get
it.  Our family and friends are thrown into the fray as we expect as
much from them as we do from ourselves.  And, when we've done all we
"should" do, "paid our dues" and "gone the extra mile," we want
guaranteed results.  Haven't we worked hard and earned a little place
in the sun-or a big place, depending on what we think we deserve?
Disappointment is inevitable if things don't turn out exactly as we had
planned, which is usually the case.  And when that happens, our worst
fears are confirmed.  You expect to be loved forever.  You get dumped
and your fear that you are unlovable surfaces.  You expect to get the
raise you're asking for.  You don't get it.  Your fear that you're
incompetent takes hold.  You expect to be rewarded with your children's
respect and appreciation after all you've done for them.  They get
lives of their own and forget to call on your birthday.  Each failed
expectation only confirms your worst fear.  Your actions are colored by
your frustrated expectations.  The fear of being rejected grips you. In
the end, expectations breed fear and discontent.  And our unfulfilled
expectations are the catalyst for acting out the rage, self-pity, and
victimization that stem from our fears.

If You Loved Me, You'd Know What I Need That is why expectations can
stunt your growth and potential.  That is also why they can poison your
relationships, both personal and professional.  When you expect
something from sonieorie else but never express that expectation, you
are asking thl@ other person to be a mind reader.  Of course almost
inevitably, the other person will fail to guess what it is you expect.
It can be tough to act on the "right" assumption.  Wayne, for
exalliple, expected his wife to be literally just like the girl who
Married dear old Dad.  His mother had been the consummate

homemaker, the classic woman behind the man.  Yet Wayne' s wife, Lynn,
was now going back to school just as she had planned once their
youngest turned ten.  He had known that when he married her, and the
year before she started, he bragged about her to all his friends.
Still, he was upset that Lynn didn't have dinner on the table every
night at six.  He was hurt because she sent his shirts out instead of
laundering and ironing them herself.  And he was angry when she spent
the evening studying instead of snuggling up next to him on the couch
to watch TV.

He never told her, though.  He simply expected her to know what he
needed in order to feel loved.  The fact that she didn't seem to know,
or worse yet that she appeared to him to be purposely ignoring his
wants and needs, triggered Wayne's Wheel of Fear.  Wayne was afraid of
being rejected and he ended up feeling utterly inadequate.  His father
had succeeded in being the kind of husband who merited a devoted wife.
Why, Wayne thought, couldn't he measure up to Dad's standard?  Wayne
sought relief by heading rejection off at the pass.  This was his
pre-emptive strike.  He turned his back on Lynn in bed.  He pretended
he didn't hear her when she was speaking to him.  He stayed out late
without telling her where he had gone.  After all, he reasoned, Lynn
couldn't reject him if he rejected her first.  And with the twisted
logic common to people on the Wheel of Fear, Wayne also thought that by
giving Lynn a dose of her own medicine, he would show her that she had
hurt his feelings by not guessing correctly how he wanted to be loved.
All that happened, however, was that Lynn became even less available to
Wayne as a result of his behavior.  The day after Lynn first slept on
the couch instead of in bed with Wayne, he came to ale for coaching. He
had heard about my work from a colleague, 3nd he told me he wanted "the
courage to get a fearless divorce.  11 After I had heard him out, my
intuition and my experience led me to believe that Wayne desperately
wanted to heal his relationship with Lynn.  We started by identifying
his Wheel.  Of Fear-fear of being rejected, followed by his fear of
feeling adequate.  Then we moved on to identifying his Wheel of Free

dom.  At first, thinking as most people do that his Wheel of Freedom
would be the opposite of his Wheel of Fear, Wayne picked "loving" as
his essential nature.  However, his five heroes were: Jack Nicklaus,
one of the greatest golfers in history; Wayne's most admired college
professor, a woman who had dedicated her life to decoding DNA; jazz
musician Duke Ellington; baseball Hall-of-Famer Babe Ruth; and
legendary tiger-tamer Gunther Gable Williams.  Wayne picked "focused"
as the essential nature for Nicklaus, the professor, and Ruth;
"creative" for Ellington; and "courageous" for Williams.  Then he said,
"Ellington and Williams were pretty darn focused, too, when you think
about it."

You know by now what happened next.  I revealed to Wayne that his
essential nature was not "loving" but "focused."  He blushed.

"Well, maybe once upon a time," he said.

"Back in high school, I was determined to be a golf pro.  But right
before I got my B.A."  some recruiters came to the campus-I was at
Princeton-and one of them dangled a six-figure salary in front of me
for a job as an investment banker.  This guy said he didn't care what
my major was.  My GPA was 3.9 and I was 'good material."  At
twenty-one, I was afraid to pass up the opportunity.  I took the job,
fully expecting to be caught up in the excitement of the world of
international high finance.

"Well, it turned out to be just a lot of hard work, most of it pretty
tedious.  Still, I got used to the money and the lifestyle that went
with the banking job even though my heart's never been in it.  Once, a
couple of years ago, I considered joining an amateur league just for
fun but it always seemed the kids had some weekend activity that I
didn't want to miss.  So I figured, hey, MY family will be my life.  As
I said, however, that's not work'r1g out either."

As Wayne's story shows, expectations that are unspoken, unrealistic,
and unmet can cause us to do such things as take the "ong fork in the
road and punish the people we love.  That is heartbreaking.  It
destroys dreams.  It destroys marriages.  It keeps people stuck on the
Wheel of Fear.  Worst of all, nobody

144 FEARLESS LIVING involved has a clear idea of what went wrong. When
things don't turn out the way we want them to, we simply feel baffled
and powerless.  When our expectations are a primary factor in the way
we think, speak, and listen, disappointment becomes a way of life. 
Expectations seem to change with each individual situation, yet in the
end, it is just our fear manifesting itself in endless ways. And
expectations make everything seem personal.  But no one is doing
anything to you.  You are reacting to your own Wheel of Fear.

I i I S E z

FEAR BUSTER EXERC

Negative language is a dead giveaway that unrealistic and unspoken
expectations are keeping you from living fearlessly.  I gave Wayne a
list of words most commonly used by people when a situation or a
relationship is fraught with expectations.  You may have used them to
describe yourself or somebody else.  The more often they are present,
the more likely it is that expectations are spinning your Wheel of Fear
out of control.  Ask yourself if any of these words determine your
daily actions or solidify your belief systems.  These words will give
you a clear indication of how often you are expecting things to be
different from what they are.

Do you:

deny wait settle control manipulate 0 you feel:

bitter annoyed hide blame defend pretend complain entitled confused
whine deflect deserve hesitate compromise guilty powerless judge
isolate wish condemn procrastir irritated resentful

te suffer assume struggle compare worry victimized incolisistellt

disappointed ambiguous irresponsible ignored self-pitying self-centered
dissatisfied perfectionistic indifferent Wayne's negative action words
turned out to be "settle,"

"blame,"

"defend,"

"deserve,"

"compromise," and "compare."  His feeling words were "bitter,"

"disappointed,"

"entitled,"

"dissatisfied," and "ignored."  I asked him to write these words down
in order to begin to accept them without shame.  I want you to do the
same.  For the next three days, write down any of the words of
expectation that you think or say.

After that, write down the words that pop up whenever you suspect that
unspoken or unrealistic expectations are triggering your Wheel of Fear.
Which of the words on the list come up most often for you?  Are there
any that made you cringe or feel particularly uncomfortable?  Perhaps
you noticed that you have already let go of some that were once common
for you.  That's great.  Always be aware of your progress.  Do any of
these words remind you of certain friends?  If so, the company you keep
may be contributing to your fear.  jot down the words that have the
most power over you and the ones you want to let go of As we build
awareness, I am asking you to be vigilant, because expectations are an
opening for discovering and transforming your Wheel of Fear.  Once we
identify how expectations are infiltrat1119 your life, we can get you
on the Wheel of Freedom where here is only one thing left: you.  A
powerful, fearless youl That's precisely what happened for Wayne.  I
taught him that the next step after identifying the words of
expectation is to look once again at the list of one hundred proactive
and selfaffirriling behaviors on pages 79-81 and identify those that
might work in your current situation.  Wayne picked "Do something kind
for someone else,"

"Be willing to be wrong,"

"Elimi- "Ite silent contracts," and "Practice the art of conversation."
He @ffectively did all of those things when he expressed his
expectafiotIs to Lynn, using "I" sentences instead of "you" sentences
as I had taught him.  ("I feel ignored when I have to spend the

LIVING

evening watching TV alone."  Not "You ignore me almost every evening
while you're doing your homework.") This opened the lines of
communication.  Wayne and Lynn ended up having heart-to-hearts almost
every day at first and then about once a week.  The result was that
when Wayne verbalized his expectations, he was able to begin to
genuinely appreciate Lynn for her drive and enthusiasm.  She in turn
eased up on her nightly study habits and instead, whenever possible,
she did her homework during the day while Wayne was at work.  Once
again being around Wayne in the evenings became a tempting pleasure.
The next step was that Wayne hired a top-notch golf pro with his eye on
a local tournament.  They also agreed that Lynn's next school break
would be spent together in Canc6n without the kids.  Wayne came back to
me after that saying, "You sure were right.  Once I got focused, I got
my wholeness: confidence.  My golf game is better than ever.  I am not
a duffer after all.  And I got all the rest of it too.  The creativity
came when I jammed with ajazz band while we were in Mexico.  I used to
play a me ari sax, and even though I'm a little rusty I haven't lost my
touch.  Now I'm practicing again just for fun.  Then there's the
intimacy.  I don't have to tell you how much more intimate my
relationship with Lynn has become now that I'm being true to myself
after all these years."

The Blame Game One of the biggest temptations you face when you are in
elpectation is to point fingers.  Wayne had been blaming Lyn" fOr their
marriage problems.  And I used to find a way to blame someone else for
almost anything.  Why would I want to face own issues when in my mind I
had suffered enough?  For starters, my father "should" have loved me.
That's what Parents are supposed to do.  My mother "should" still be
alive, becallse she deserved to be.  And, Daniel "should" have been
waiting for me at the hospital, asking for my forgiveness.  That's what
JoAt No Expectations 147 and loyalty are supposed to look like, right?
Instead, Daniel had his roommate pick me up at the hospital and drop me
off at the front door of my apartment, where I was face to face with
the consequences of my prehospital rampage.  Rather than look inside of
myself for answers, it seemed easier to blame my father, guns, or
Daniel.  If they were the bad guys, I didn't have to be.

A longtime client of mine named Jennifer is a good example of this same
false logic at work.  Even though she was excited to get the job
promotion she had been working for, Jennifer was L now in foreign
territory.  In her new position, she didn't have her familiar allies
around her, she wasn't quite sure how things were done, and she felt
out of place in her role in senior management.  Her boss came to give
the ground rules on jennifer first day and he laid down the
expectations he had for her performance.  It was quite a list. Jennifer
expected that he would mentor her through the transition, but weeks
went by and he didn't offer any help.  Jennifer never asked for help
either.  Consequently, she felt left out and unsupported.  She began to
have doubts about whether the job was right for her.  And she blamed
her boss for her predicament.

"How am I supposed to know what to do if he doesn't tell me?"  she
asked when she came to see me after landing her new job.

"He just leaves me to figure everything out on my own.  I don't think
he likes me.  He wants me to fail."

Because Jennifer had not communicated her expectations, she had made a
snap judgment motivated by fear.  When we feel uncomfortable because
expectations are not met, fear makes us think things such as: "They
don't know what they're doing."

"You don't belong here."

"You shouldn't have taken the job."

"The Money isn't worth the harassment."

"What is wrong with you"

"YOU should have seen this coming."  Jennifer's expectations had turned
on her, becoming negative self-talk.  Soon she was building up piles of
evidence to prove why her coworkers W'rell't as efficient as the
previous ones, and why they were underrilining her attempts to improve
upon outdated systems.  She

had a vision of how a boss "should" behave and was resentful when hers
"didn't know how to be a boss and he didn't even attempt to be a
mentor."  Since he was in a position of authority, he was an easy
scapegoat.

Even though Jennifer had already made great strides in living
fearlessly that had enabled her to land this new job in the first
place, expectations came up when she took the risk to step into
management. That is common.  Whenever you step into unfamiliar
territory, your Wheel of Fear will be triggered.  When Jennifer took on
the new job her fear of being thought of as stupid and her feeling of
helplessness kicked in.  Spinning in her Wheel of Fear, she could think
of nothing but the expectations she had for herself and for the way the
job should be.  The good news is that once you begin to identify the
expectations that trigger your Wheel of Fear, you will be able to take
proactive, self-affirming actions to help you get onto your Wheel of
Freedom. Life is a continuous process of change, with challenges at
every level of growth.  Fear will always come up, but you'll get better
and better at eliminating the kind of expectations that prevent you
from mastering your fear.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE YVi Fllk4 I had jennifer answer the following
questions, which was verl powerful for her.  I want you to do it as
well.

Name a particular situation.  In that situation:

What are you expecting from yourself?  From others?

Jennifer had a hard time answering at first.  She wanted to deny her
part by reacting with anger and blaming others.  wherl we are reactive,
we expect the impossible.

No Expectations 149 WX_ Are you reactive?  Answer the following
questions:

1) Is "should" part of your vocabulary or your criteria for decision
making?

2) Do you do things for others because you have to?

3) Can somebody else's bad mood bring you down?

4) When you are criticized, do you become defensive?

5) Do you seek approval from others before moving forward?

6) When someone yells at you, do you automatically yell back?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you are reacting.  The
more numerous the yeses, the more frequently reactive behavior occurs,
which means the more expectations you have placed upon yourself or
others.  Most people believe they are making choices when they are
really just reacting.  That is what jennifer thought.

When you build up a case against yourself (or someone else), it takes
courage to admit that perhaps there is another point of view.  It takes
a commitment to the truth to face the reality of your fear.  Jennifer
isn't alone in her initial denial of her expectations.  They seemed so
reasonable.  She could easily justify each one.  Most of us do it.  I
explained that her expectations didn't make her wrong or Stupid.  They
made her human.  We all want things a certain way.  No one can escape
the blame game altogether.

Jennifer confessed that she had expected to get it together faster,
feel confident, and feel powerful, now that she had 44 lade it."  She
expected her team to welcome her new ideas and @vork at a higher
production rate.  She thought her office as'i'"It would certainly be
friendly and efficient, her friends 'v011ld be supportive, her father
would finally respect her, and her new boss would be the boss she had
always dreamt of It Sounded to me as though Jenniferjust wanted to be
understood, respected, and loved.  Pretty much what we all want.

150 Az FEARLESS LIVING Ironically, when her Wheel of Fear engaged,
expectations actually separated her from the positive experiences she
could have helped to foster.  Everything seemed confused and
exaggerated.  She felt as though she had ruined her shot at a good
start.  She now knew she was reacting to feeling stupid and helpless.
Was it too late?  Of course not.

I explained to Jennifer that she had forgotten to share "Jennifer's
Rules" to prevent ineffective office behavior by her coworkers before
she started her new position.  She laughed.  Seriously, I told her that
she needed to be honest with herself.

She realized she was pushing responsibility away from herself (where
she had power to change things) and onto someone or something else
(where she had no control) Jennifer came to see the base problem: Her
fear of feeling helpless and being thought of as stupid had
manufactured her expectations and limited her success.  Who said she
would have an efficient assistant?  Who said she should know
everything?  ReRarding her assistant, if she wanted things done in a
particular way, communication was in order.  Everyone else working with
Jennifer had their own expectations too.  Mix it all together and you
have a recipe for disaster.  No wonder so many people are frustrated in
their jobs.  Expectations will always build evidence for YOU and
against others.  Without clear communication and an authentic
commitment to personal accountability, no one has a chance.

Jennifer's homework was to eliminate all of the silent c011tracts she
had with others and communicate her needs, wants, and desires clearly.
Silent contracts are those agreements we have made with others that
they know nothing about.  Jeri" ifIr's most glaring silent contracts
were with her assistant and boss.

When Jennifer understood that it was no one else's resporls' bility to
know, or to provide, what she needed, conflicts less easier ened.  And
when they did come up, solving them was Because of her fear of looking
stupid she had also expected licr@ self to know everything.  When that
is the case, it is diffic'It '0

actually learn anything.  She had to accept where she was before she
could move forward.

Jennifer moved onto her Wheel of Freedom by taking responsibility for
her state of mind.  She went through the list of words on pages 144-145
and identified "wait,"

"blame," 6tcomplain,"

"Judge,"

"assume," and "worry" as the fearful ways she was behaving.  Then she
picked "disappointed,"

"entitled,"

"powerless,"

"resentful," and "ignored" as the ways she was feeling.  Then Jennifer
looked at the list of one hundred proactive and self-affirming
behaviors on pages 79-81.  She found some that worked in this situation
even though they were not on the basic list she had already identified
and put on her laminated card.  That might happen for you as well, in
any given situation.  Jennifer picked "Say, "I don't know," when you
don't,"

"Be honest,"

"Initiate a conversation,"

"Ask for something you want,"

"Risk embarrassment," and "Ask questions."  The next day at work, she
broached the subject of her responsibilities by saying to her boss,
"I'm eager to do a great job for you and for the company.  Could we
schedule a time for me to ask some questions that I have about the job
description you gave me?"

To her surprise, her boss said, "Of course!  I have one hour available
between three and four Pm.  Does that work?"

Jennifer agreed and showed up right on time with a written list of
questions in hand.  After exchanging pleasantries about the weather and
filling their coffee mugs, Jennifer and her boss settled down to a very
productive interchange.  He turned out to be a good teacher, obviously
enjoying letting Jennifer in on his expertise.

"Thank you so much," Jennifer said when 4:00 Pm.  rolled around.

"I feel much more confident that I can do what's re9Uired here."

""You're most welcome," her boss said.

"Frankly, until we 11started talking today I had no idea how many parts
of the job are company specific.  I just took it for granted you
understood theiargon.  You know, I should probably make up a list of
terms arid acronyms and give it to new people."

152 FEARLESS LIVING "What a great idea!"  Jennifer said.

"I hate to "I have you to thank for it," he said with a smi rgled to
get the hang of think of how many people have st rug things around here
but were afraid to speak up and admit they needed help.  Listen, if you
ever have any more questions, feel free to let me know.  It takes
confidence and courage to ask for help.  I admire that.  Oh, by the
way, we've got somebody in your department who's starting tomorrow.
Would you mind taking him under your wing?"

When Jennifer made her success dependent upon her boss's behaviors, she
had been unconsciously avoiding control over her career.  By choosing
to take back control through requesting mentofship, she was choosing to
be fearless.  Jennifer was promoted again within a year due to her
proactive, go-getter attitude.

When was the last time you blamed someone for some ing@ Did you think
you had the "right" to blamO How did it fe, 4 justified?  Did others
agree with you?  If you're like most people, several instances will
come to mind.  Perhaps your spouse did something that upset you.  Maybe
your best friend let you down Maybe you are unsure if you blame.  A
good indication is if you use "If only..  ."  in your vocabulary.  But
one thing is certain: In order to blame someone, you must have had an
expectation that the person "should" have done something differently.
Unfortunately, expectations will always leave you feeling out of
control and on your Wheel of Fear.  That's guaranteed.  When you assume
others can read your mind and know what you need, you are setting them
up for future blame.  In truth, no one else is responsible.  You are
the only one who is responsible.

Wishing, Waiting, and Hoping After picking me up from the hospital and
driving me home, Daniel's friend wished me luck and left.  I turned the
knob 3nd opened the door.  The scene stopped me cold.  My apartment

looked as if a burglar had ransacked every drawer, cabinet, and corner
in search of hidden treasure.  There was no rhyme or reason to the
chaos.  Cotton balls were in the candy dish.  Flour and cocoa powder
were spread on every countertop and table.  Ants marched from the
door-way to the kitchen garbage can.  All of my emergency medical
supplies were laid out as if I had been about to perform surgery in the
foyer.  The gravity of the situation hit home.  I had lost control.  I
was afraid I had become my father.  I forced myself not to think about
that.

Left having to clean up my own mess, I was heartbroken.  If Daniel
hadn't cleaned up after me, it meant he really didn't care.  I felt
deserted and betrayed.  Couldn't he have at least spared me walking
into this?  I was dying inside to be seen as special, something
extraordinary, and this scene was telling me I was anything but.

As I stood in my ravaged apartment, I realized that something was very
wrong.  Thoughts of how worthless I was haunted me.  Depression
consumed me.  Unable to function, I called a friend whose parents took
me in.  I lay in their guest bed for three solid months, all the while
hoping Daniel would call to make up.  I had expected him to love me
forever even if I acted unloving.  I had expected him to save me even
if I couldn't save myself.  I had expected love to last even though I
didn't know what love was.  I cried out: "What is wrong with me?  Why
wasn't it MY turn?"  Secretly, I was afraid it would never be my turn
for happiness.  My mom had never got hers.  Why should I?

I had become a prisoner of the wishing, waiting, hoping trio of
expectations.  Wishing, the first stage of this mechanism for aN'Oiding
reality, involves immature and magical thinking remir1iscent of a child
blowing out candles on a birthday cake and leallY believing that the
silent request will come true.  Waiting, the 8econd stage, is when you
sit back and assume that your de wes will be fulfilled even if you do
absolutely nothing to make th2lt happen.  Hoping, the final stage, is a
desperate, aching k'rld of inner pleading that kicks in when you have
to admit to

WING

154 FEARLESS L yourself that time is slipping by and your wish isn't
getting any results.  And while you hope, you just keep on waiting.

Even after all that happened with Daniel, I kept a fierce hope alive
that we would reconcile.  Those three months I lay in bed weren't spent
being proactive.  Believe me.  They were spent hoping that Daniel would
call.  Every time the phone rang, I would jump.  Every time there was a
knock on the door, I would hurriedly fix my hair, just in case.  Of
course Daniel didn't call or visit, but that didn't stop me from
waiting for him to come to his senses.  I told myself that I would wait
as long as it took for him to remember that he loved me.  I was a
classic victim.

4V FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE

In what areas of your life are you still wishing, waiting, and hoping?
Choose one main area where you have been on hold, expecting things to
change magically.  Brainstorm how you can turn things around.
Fearbuster Team members are great brainstorming buddies.  Name three
actions that you are willing to take that would enable you to move
forward.  Be sure to refer back to your proactive and self-affirming
behavior lists.  Maybe the ac Lions are as simple as writing a note to
someone or making a phone call.  Remember, it's better to start
somewhere.  If doing so makes you feel uncomfortable, get some
support.

List the benefits of taking those actions.

Choose one action that you will take within the next twenty four hours
and do it.

No Guarantees I was expecting to get my turn at love.  I wasn't facing
the fact that the world does not owe us anything.  That is contrary to
all of the happy ending scenarios we grew up believing in.  You are
especially vulnerable to resisting the reality that there are no
guarantees if you have a secret desire to be seen as special or
extraordinary.  In my seminars, this concept is one that elicits the
most startling breakthroughs.  Many people are dying to be plucked out
of their pain by a secret admirer who sees their worth and value.  That
applies to relationships as well as careers.  The truth is we are
unique as we embrace our essential nature and express our wholeness on
our Wheel of Freedom.  Yet, for some of us, the overwhelming desire to
be seen as extraordinary actually separates us from the love we crave
and keeps us from doing the work necessary to be free.  Whenever we
want to be seen as extraordinary, we want special treatment.  We are
putting ourselves above others.  We believe we deserve something extra
and we definitely feel entitled.

4-4 FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE

71P@k Y?  Have you ever had thoughts like:

am entitled to more money because I have devoted my life to this job
deserve love in my life because I give so much to others.  have earned
success because I work hard on myself After all I have been through,
life should be easier by now.  Haven't I paid my dues yet?

I)id those thoughts resonate with you?  What else came to "lind when
you read them?  Did you recognize any of the pre'-ailing beliefs your
parents or grandparents had?  I've had '@"Ints tell me that when they
focus on this exercise, they can

practically hear the voices of the past echoing the fears handed down
generation to generation.

When we believe we have earned, deserve, or are entitled to things, we
are in for a letdown if life doesn't go our way.  Entitlement is a
seductive expectation.  It feels as if what we desire should be true.
If it weren't, that would mean that life (or God) isn't fair.  When was
the last time you felt entitle Usually people who feel entitled are
waiting for life to come to them.  They want success to happen to them
to prove that they are a gifted, extraordinary talent.  Otherwise, they
would just be like every one else.  Most of us fantasize that someone
will notice our specialness just the way actress Lana Turner was
discovered by an agent while she was sipping a malt in Schwab's
Drugstore.  And if something like that doesn't happen, we become
disillusioned.

Our own expectations set us up for the fall.

To make matters more complicated, we protect what we expect.  Chances
are, you will stand up for your expectations, defend and fight for
them.  Even when this means losing, expectations usually tell us it is
better to be "right" than to change our minds.  Expectations move you,
motivate you, and too often destroy you.  They set you up for failure
even when you think You are doing everything "right."  The more
expectations you have, the more disappointment is assured. Expectations
keep your Wheel of Fear in motion.  ia Eliminating Expectations Simply
put, you cannot live fearlessly if you continue to count on things
turning outiust the way you expect them to turn out If you attempt to
take a risk-a new job, a new relationship, a new way of doing
something-with only one acceptable re stilt you're going to be crushed
if things don't pan out the Way Y"' expected.  Not only that, but you
won't be open to serendipity.  If YOU you're determined to be the
dictator of your own story,

miss the thrill of chance meetings, the breathtaking excitement of
unanticipated plot twists, the rush of joy that comes with pleasant
surprises.  Worse, when there are nasty surprises-and there almost
always are, as anyone over the age of ten has surely noticed-you'll
beat a quick retreat, justifying your backtracking by saying to
yourself, "See?  I should never have taken a risk.  It's scary out
there.  You never know what's going to happen."

No, you don't.  And that's true even if you squander a lifetime trymg
to stay safe.  You might as well give up the notion that you can
foresee the future.  Until you eliminate expectations, you'll still be
on your Wheel of Fear, not your Wheel of Freedom.  Yet because
expectations are so accepted and feel so safe and justified learning
not to rely on them takes great strength.  I understand all too well.
When I broke the mirror in the bar, I did it not only because I had
expected Daniel to be there for me forever, but because I felt entitled
to his love after I had moved a thousand miles to be with him.  When I
thought about taking my own life, I was overreacting because I didn't
want to be seen as a liar.  When I got out of the hospital, I blamed
Daniel for not taking care of me so I wouldn't have to face my fear of
unworthiness.  Secretly, I was afraid my father was right: I just
wasn't worth loving.  My Wheel of Fear had me convinced that the more I
acted out, the more I needed to be taken care of.  Therefore, Daniel
would have to take care of me, I reasoned.

Yet leaving me with my mess was the best thing that Daniel could have
done for me.  It didn't feel good, but his refusal to make my problems
his problems eventually left me with no choice but to own them once and
for all.  I had to take responsibility for my life.  I was forced to
see how my expectations could ri ever be met.  It wasn't anyone else's
job to make me happy.  It as now up to me.  Was I going to keep being a
victim or be accountable for the mess called my life?

Finally I came to see that Daniel hadn't lied to me.  Neither h111 the
therapist.  In the past, if I could accuse someone of lymIrig, I was
off the hook.  That was me reacting out of fear.  It's that Daniel had
told me he would always love me, but was it

Why can't my spouse owes me a favor.

I deserve I feel guilty because I didn't The reason I am tired is When
I I will finally be happy.

If only that would happen I could If I were a good person, I would My
greatest disappointment is My church thinks I should God expects me to
Turning Expectations into Intentions Once you have identified your
expectations, there is a much greater possibility of attaining freedom.
I'm going to teach you how to do that by refraining your expectations
as something I call "intentions."  Expectations are what you think
ought to happen as a result of what you do, say, or plan.  For example,
"I eypect to get a raise and a promotion if I buckle down, work really
hard, and bring in new business for the company."  On the other hand,
intentions are your approach to life based on your essential nature and
your wholeness.  For example, "I intend to acknowledge my talent for
creating persuasive sales presentations and to enjoy the da rto-day
process of putting that into practice on the job."  What's so wonderful
is that when you act oil tent ion instead of expectation, you are more
likely to eyperience positive outcomes such as a raise and a
prornotioll.  Working doggedly with grim determination solely because

No Expectations 161 Plv want a certain result isn't nearly as
productive and powerful as working because you take pride and pleasure
in what you do.

Similarly, when you approach your relationships with intention instead
of expectation, you expand the possibility for mutual delight and
support.  Expectation made Wayne-the client who came to me thinking he
wanted a divorce from Lynn-say, "I expect Lynn to play the role of wife
exactly the way my mother did."  Intention allowed him to say, "I
intend to make a priority of focusing on my sense of purpose in life. I
also intend to allow the confidence that comes from that focus to guide
me while Lynn and I discover ways to redefine the roles of husband and
wife to suit ourselves and our partnership."

Intention is living purposefully.  On purpose, with purpose.
Proactively, responsibly, and intuitively.  When we intend, we erase
"should" from our vocabulary There is a commitment to the process
versus the results.  Rather than the little details of life dictating
your every decision, choices are aligned with your essential nature.
When intention is our mode of operation, we give up the idea that our
past dictates our future.  Intention is living in the present, actively
choosing the future while being aware that in each moment your state of
mind is up to you.  Your mood no longer becomes dependent on how other
people treat you or their opinion of you.  judgment of a situation or
how another person "should" be, and, in fact, how you "should" be,
ceases to exist.  You learn how to accept what's really going on and
how to handle it.  In the same way that your Wheel of Fear uses
expectation as its grease to keep you spinning out of control, your
Wheel of Freedom uses intention to keep you focused On your
commitments.  Intention is the pathway to shift your focus from fear to
freedom.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE

To keep yourself on purpose through intention, keep track Of the
proactive behaviors you are choosing to help you

162 FEARLESS LIVING move onto your Wheel of Freedom.  Write down a
minimum of three per day and build up to five.

Make a note of your Wheel of Freedom's life-affirming actions that are
appearing in your life on a daily basis.  Again, write down at least
three and build up to five.

Don't be discouraged if in the beginning you take the proactive
behaviors and notice the life-affirming actions fewer than three times
a week.  One is better than none.  Two is better than one.  You get it.
So whenever you notice them, write them down.  The point is to build
your awareness so you can choose with intention.

A Clean Breakup Seventeen years after Daniel ended our relationship, I
was faced with having another man leave me.  This time it was Carl, my
husband of seven years.  It was once again January.  As we sat in the
therapist's office attempting to reconcile, it became painfully clear
to me that despite the words my husband was sar ing, he was no longer
in love with me the way he had once been.

He wanted out.  I wanted to ignore that uninvited insight, so I
frantically began to search for evidence to the contrary.  I mean, he
was telling the therapist he didn't want to get divorced.  And, he was
promising to work on our marriage.  His holding my hand while I cried
surely meant he loved me.

thought about my expectations of what a marriage should be:

bond forever.

I meant those words.  I am sure he did too.  I told myself that would
calmly explain to Carl that this was not what I expected and of course
he would wake up and realize how wrong he was, I would just appeal to
his sense of reason and then surely he would try harder.  Even though I
am a coach who understands intellectually that this method won't work,
I wanted to believe Ut n after all.  B d. Im u more than anything that
it would

Carl's behavior over the previous few months was hard to brush aside.
After we left the therapist's office, I knew I had to face the fact
that another man I loved was walking out the door.  Once again, I felt
worthless.

My Wheel of Fear was the reason I thought the end of our relationship
was all my fault.  This time I made a conscious decision not to believe
that.  Through developing the Fearless Living program, I had learned it
was not about finding anyone to blame for my feelings of unworthiness,
and that included myself.  I carried those feelings around whether my
husband stayed or left.  My sense of worthlessness and my fear of being
a loser were mine and mine alone.

I'm not saying that getting off my Wheel of Fear was easy.  A divorce
is a huge and shattering event in anyone's life, and mine was no
exception.  I had the urge to gather evidence that Carl was wrong and I
was right.  I thought about reconnecting with my old Complaining
Buddies and convincing them that Carl had made a mistake.  But I knew
better than to give in to my tear.  That's not how I wanted my
relationship to end.  This time I was not going to be run by my
fear-based, unconscious expectations.  I was not going to deny what was
happening between us.

I was not going to put my head in the sand as I had tried to do with
Daniel.  I was not going to punish Carl or myself for our present
situation.  There were no temper tantrums.  No hate filled words.  No
manipulation or guilt.  just a deep sense of loss.  Arid, yes, my heart
was broken.  Yet the rage and denial that had characterized my breakup
with Daniel were absent.  This time around there was only overwhelming
sadness.

It was time to grieve the ending of a marriage.  It was clear I was not
going to handle this separation the same way I had handled my breakup
with Daniel.  With Daniel, I was living in expect'til)n.  And
expectations make our Wheel of Fear turn around alld around.  Our
complaints, excuses, and the way we beat our10ves up all stem from
expectations.  This time around, I would live with intent;@n

164 *4"-z FEARLESS LIVING The Freedom in Accountability When living in
intention, accountability is paramount.  Our life is in our hands.  No
one else's.  My life was not Daniel's, Carl's, or my father's
responsibility.  It was no one's but mine.

Sometimes that is a hard truth to accept.  it is so much easier to
blame, yet that is a symptom of expectation.  And trust me, there were
days I prayed that there was another woman just so I could point my
finger at Carl and have a sufficient reason to make his life miserable
in retaliation for my present pain, but to no avail.  We have learned
that blaming another is just frittering our time, energy, and
creativity away.  This leads to regret and resentment, which leads to
losing our power, our choice, and our courage to shine.  Remember, if
fear is deciding how you are going to react, and expectations are in
control, then you aren't living your life anyway.

On that January afternoon, facing the man I had vowed to love forever,
I realized that my future happiness would be determined by my
intentions.  just because we were nit going to be together didn't mean
I had to regret having married him in the first place.  Those seven
years were instrumental in my own personal transformation.  Plus we
weren't divorcing because We hated each other.  (Hate is always a cover
for fear.) Carl was lea, ing because somewhere along the way our paths
had gone ii, two different directions.  Who knows for sure how it had
happened, but it had, and I was now ready to face the hurt, anguish,
and disappointment that seemed, at times, unbearable.  Not go around
them or to the side of them but straight through the heart of my
feelings.  I knew if I wasn't willing to feel the part, iof' my divorce
as I was experiencing it, that pain would lodge III side my heart and
make an appearance anytime I tried to 10\'e again.  It would become an
unconscious reaction to intimacNI.  I" fact my present pain was doing
just that by calling up "fly past fears that had never been healed.
That was not okay with rile.  I wanted to fulfill my potential.  I
wanted to love again.  I Nvallted

to be free.  A

To recover from my divorce, as well as the old negative feelings that
were swelling up within me, I also had to accept the situation for what
it was rather than what I hoped it would be.  When Carl left, all my
fears of being a loser and feelings of worthlessness descended upon me.
I knew it was up to me to accept that those were just feelings and not
facts, in order to embrace, honor, and release my attachment to them. I
knew I could no longer try to avoid feeling worthless.  I needed to
accept that it was just how I felt, not who I was.  The miracle is that
when we allow ourselves to have negative feelings (but not act on
them), they run their course naturally, eventually becoming powerless
when we embrace them and choose to heal them by taking actions that are
proactive and self-affirming.  Therefore, we learn when we deny our
feelings, we are pushing ourselves farther away from our essential
nature.

I had to be willing to feel the very feelings I had been running away
from when Daniel left me, when my father abandoned me, and all the
times I had deserted myself through alcohol and my suicide attempts. If
you allow yourself to feel and accept your feelings, you will stop the
self-judgment the Wheel of Fear needs in order to keep spinning.
Otherwise, all we are doing is running away from ourselves, and the
feelings that make us human.

During my divorce, I cried, laughed, hurt, cried some more, and
vented-a lot.  I asked for help and love.  I accepted my feeling and
experienced them.  One after another they would Come up.  Depression.
Rejection.  Stupidity.  Resentment.  Abandonment.  I was willing to
feel them all.  But more important, I as keenly aware that they had no
power over me unless I let Myself believe those feelings added up to
me.  When my feeling 1A worthlessness came up, instead of sighing, "Oh,
no, not again," I would say to myself, "Well, I am obviously in a new
sitlation.  Good ol' worthlessness is back."  As I moved through the
painful proceedings of my divorce I would feel it again, yet I Uld
resolve to take actions based on my MT heel of Freedom,

VING

166 FEARLESS LIMY essential nature.  I knew that was the way for me to
reach self-" acceptance.  No matter what, I kept my eye on my
commitments and lived with intention.

Intentions Make You One of a Kind People who live on purpose with
purpose are not interested in standing out in the crowd.  That may
happen, but it is not why they do what they do.  When you live with
intention, your primary focus is the process rather than the end
result.  Expectationdriven people go for the goal no matter what.  No
matter how frustrating it gets or how out of sync with their Wheel of
Freedom.  The achievement of the goal becomes the priority because they
think that determines their value and worth.

The same is true for people who attempt to be extraordinary.  Remember
my sister Linda, the math teacher who dreamt of working for NASA?  Her
expectations got in her way.  She became frustrated and figured she
would never contribute anything to changing the world, so what was the
point of teaching full time?  She had plenty of evidence to prove her
point.  We have all heard the stories of how brutal the classroom
environment is and how meager the pay is.  So she decorated her house
and bought some fish.  Then a school called that had an emergency.
Could she substitute-teach a high-school math class for two months?
They were desperate.  Well, she reasoned, she could use the money.  She
started to teach.  And that is when everything changed.  All of a
sudden, instead of waiting for something big to happen where she could
help change the world, she began to embrace the work right in front of
he Linda is a gifted math teacher with an amazing ability to help the
tough students learn with ease.  An ordinary job yet she realized her
ordinary job was exactly what made her feel special.

She contributed without thought of return.  Instead, her re lard on
cept that had been Greel, to

was seeing a child understand a c him just the day before.  As my
sister Linda claimed her ordiriallam

No Expectations *1,$i: 167 ness, she stepped out of her fear and began
to contribute in an extraordinary way.  She was in intention.

What happened to Linda is what happens when you are willing to own the
power of ordinary.  Yes, I said ordinary.  Because we all share many of
the same qualities, we are at some level ordinary.  It is our ability
to be ourselves that allows our uniqueness to shine.  To live with
intention and be ourselves, we must be ordinary.  I know that is the
only way I have achieved what I have.  Before I owned ordinary, I kept
success at bay judging what it should look like and where it would come
from.  Nothing was good enough or perfect enough.  And I didn't want to
do the menial labor necessary to succeed.  It is that same attitude of
wanting to be extraordinary that keeps someone from working at a fast
food restaurant when they desperately need the money.  They would
rather starve than work at something that they think is beneath them.
But that's the point; no job is better than any other.  It is only in
your mind.  I waitressed for over fifteen years and, let me tell you,
that job taught me everything about running my own business.  It was
anything but beneath me.  It gave me the skills I needed to operate a
thriving enterprise and the confidence to speak in front of a crowd.
Break your addiction to extraordinary and get in touch with the power
of being ordinary.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE: LANGUAGE OF INTENTION The language we use affects
how we are perceived in the World.  It advertises what we think and
believe.  When we live in "pectation, we discover that the language we
use disempowers u', On the other hand, when we live in intention, the
words we "Peak empower us and the world at large.  Our vocabulary
deter" line whether we accept ourselves, believe in who we are, and
Walk our talk.  It is the accumulation of our conscious and unconscious
thoughts.

The following are some of the words of intention I would like you to
incorporate into your vocabulary on a regular basis re-" placing the
fear-based words of expectation.  See how often you, empower yourself.
Also notice which words are constants within your Fearbuster Team.
Eliminate as many' supposed to's"

"should's" and "need to's" from your vocabulary as possible.  They
limit your thinking, taking away personal responsibility.  Replace them
with the words of intention and accountability "I choose," "I want",
and "I decide."  Cut down your usage of "but."  Often we express a
feeling or thought and then follow it with "but."  I am sure we have
all heard the saying that "but eliminates the statement before it.  An
example is "I love you, but .. ."  We all know what that "but" means.
Replace it with "and" and "yet."  Those are the inclusive words of
intention.  Instead of talking about the fear-based future or past,
which is where comparing and competition lives, as ofte as possible
only speak about the freedom-centered present.  Also actions only
happen in the present.  The present Y110ment is where life happens.
Refuse to be outer focused.  That means your life is decided by
reactions to the outside world versus inner focused where intuition and
intention are the guiding forces deter"dieN mining your future.  Using
the words "they think" or say 11 puts the power into the hands of
individuals outside of your control.  Instead say what do "I think."

Give up saying "I can't."  Those two words are straight from your Wheel
of Fear.  Substitute "I can" or "I could" or s which gives you freedom
to believe in limitless outcome

Speak about commitments when you are making 3 deli' sion.  Intention
uses your essential nature and qualitY Of

No Expectations *1$4- 169 wholeness as the foundation of any
commitment.  Without commitment, emotional boundaries are impossible,
yes and no have little power, and integrity is elusive.

"I am committed to..  ."  lets your intention be known.  No more
"what's wrong?"  Instead ask "where is the opportunity in this
situation?"  This allows for creative brainstorming.  It also teaches
you how to reframe the way you look at the world from a negative
fear-based viewpoint to a positive, proactive, powerful one.

"Difficult,"

"hard," or "problem" are words that immediately make the situation
appear to be too exhausting, too overwhelming, and impossible to
overcome.  Instead replace those words with "challenging" or
"challenge."  Challenges allow the opportunity of solution,
inspiration, and guidance.  It is easier to confront a "challenge" head
on than a "problem."

No more "impossible."  We only have our limited fear-based filtering
system in place if "impossible" is our word of choice.  Yet we have all
heard of miracles occurring in regard to health challenges or money
situations, and that is where intention comes into play.

"Possible" opens up our minds to seeing things differently, and that is
where opportunity lies.

Changing your language will set your intention firmly in Place.  And
that will alter your filtering system from one based in fear to one
that thrives in freedom.  False perceptions are eliminated and truth
and integrity fuel your intentions.

Fearless Intention WhO ll I got divorced, I made a choice.  I didn't
want to handle "ejection as I had previously with Daniel.  Rather I
wanted to the conscious actions and love my way through it. Remember,

when we get into ajam Or take a risk outside our comfort zone, up
automatically.  It exists to keep you" the Wheel of Fear comes to any
dangers safe, so it will do what is necessary to alert you el of
Freedom, coming your way.  When you live within your Whe ome up when
you risk, but the differ the Wheel of Fear will c ou into anxiety,
worry, and ence will be it will no longer throw y It will have no
doubt.  it will be recognized for what it is: fear.  rpose of fear, a
power.  You will be able to see it for the higher pu arl and I are sign
that you are growing, risking, and changing.  C friends, and that is
due to our commitment to honor our mar ding it with intention.  it is
good to know love is what ri age by en pie rather than our backlog of
excuses is real between two peo and regrets.

So what does a day in intention look like?  Your best friend forgets
your birthday.  You love her anyway.  The package you needed for your
presentation does not arrive.  You work around it.  you lose your car
keys and instead of wasting energy beat If up, you call the car
dealership and have another ing your se All of this may sound simple,
but how often do set made.  ntments like these ruin your day Without
mishaps and disappoi and jealousy call expectations anger, resentment,
frustration not thrive.

Living in intention through acceptance, responsibility, pro, to be
ordinary, will move fear active choice, and the willingness Ch us aside
and allow intuition to surface.  All of those skills tea to be inner
focused and aware of who we are becoming.  That is powerful.  That
changes lives.  en living in intention excePt There are no guarantees
wh tered in Your self, one.  Intention gives you the gift of being cen
11 tile It's relying 0 being able to pick yourself up no matter wha
your own through qualities of being that you have claimed as telltioll,
your understanding of the Wheel of Freedom.  With in love still may not
last forever, but you now see that whei, Not' move out of judgment
there seems to be more love arolln

No Expectations *J$,- 171 than you had previously thought.  Success is
no longer a byproduct of what you do, but rather it is determined by
who you are.

-ISE FEAR BUSTER EXERC

So how do you stay aware of your intentions?  Having an Intention
Statement is helpful and can be added to your laminated card for ease
of use.  As we have discovered, intention is the operating system of
your Wheel of Freedom.  It puts your essential nature and quality of
wholeness in the forefront of your mind and actions.

Your Intention Statement is similar to a vision statement, yet the
foundation is not in your personal commitments to your career or family
life.  Rather it answers the question of "how" you will walk through
life.  Using your Wheel of Freedom as the base, your Intention
Statement is simple and easy to remember.  just fill in the blanks.

I am committed to living my life using (your essential nature page 77)
as the foundation for my decisions and my success criteria.  I am
committed to expressing (your essential nature) more and more each day.
In doing so, I am expanding my ability to accept and express (your
quality of wholeness page 77) in my life.  When I am true to myself,
Others are given permission to do the same.  When I live from MY Wheel
of Freedom, I am free to fulfill my potential and live fearlessly.

Speak and read your Intention Statement daily and be sure to list it
among your proactive behaviors.  Carry it with you and r,peat as often
as necessary.  Other good ways to claim it as your 0" is to use it as
the statement for your screen saver, or to write Yol,r Intention
Statement down and place it somewhere that is

convenient and easy to see-perhaps on the bathroom mirror, or in a
frame on your desk, or inside the cover of your day planner.  Your
Intention Statement is here to remind you what is important when fear
comes to visit.  It centers you back to the truth of who you are,
giving you permission to stand for yourself and express your
brilliance.

You have learned how to live with intention, a powerful proactive path
that is centered in your Wheel of Freedom.  Now", let's keep breaking
the hold your Wheel of Fear has over you.  In the chapter that follows,
you'll find out how to stop letting fears";, from the past dictate your
future.

No Excuses ara came to me, as so many people do, saying that there was
nothing ostensibly wrong with her life.  By society's terms, Kara was
successful.

"I'm my own boss because I own a Mail Boxes Etc.  franchise," she
said.

"I make fantastic money.  My oldest, Mickey, is the assistant manager.
He's going to college part time in business administration.  The
younger kids, the two girls, are still in high school, but they work in
the store summers and holidays.  Susan wants to be a physical therapist
and Shannon is looking at getting into an Ivy League college and then
going to med school.

"People envy us.  I know that.  We don't answer to anybody, we have the
means to live the good life, and we all essentially get along.  But
when I heard you speak at that conference, and you were talking about
being fearless and expressing your essential 11at ure I felt like you
were talking to me.  Nothing is really wrong, but I got a feeling that
something is not quite right.  But I don't even know what it is."

Clearly, the persona Kara presented to the world was that of a
911i'tessential hard worker and a model mom.  I suspected that
"derneath that persona was a woman who was afraid and had

174 $"z- FEARLESS LIVING an excuse for why she wasn't being true to a
hidden dream.  We talked for a while, and eventually she said, "I'm
really glad Shannon wants to go to med school.  That was my original
goal.  I was the big star in downhill snow skiing in high school and
all the scouts from the top colleges wanted to give me scholarships.

I planned on making a name for myself and turning pro.  But during a
practice run, I blew out my knee.  I mean, the whole megillah-the
anterior cruciate ligament, the medial collateral, the meniscus,
everything.  Nowadays, they have arthroscopic reconstruction options
available.  Back then they used to cut you open and kind of patch you
up.  But you were never the same after that.

"I came from a big family, eight kids, and there was no way my parents
could pay for college, let alone med school.  I had good grades, but I
wasn't scholarship material without skiing.

So I figured it wasn't meant to be.  Sure, I was bummed.  And not just
about missing out on the scholarship.  I hated being permanently
sidelined.  I loved the sport.  I felt like something in me had died.

"I tried to talk to my mom about how I felt, but all she said was,
"There are a lot of people worse off than you are.  There are
quadriplegics."  And my father was just not a talker.  He worked hard
and I know he loved us, but he didn't think a man should show his
feelings.  He caught me crying once after the surgery and just the look
he gave me shut me up fast.  Then there was my older brother.  He had
these subtle ways of making me feel I got what I deserved.  I had
always been the one with the athletic ability.  So I felt like I was
being punished.

"Anyway, I lowered my sights.  I worked my way through I met community
college for two years and got my A .A. degree my ex-husband in one of
my business administration classes and we hit it off right away.  We
divorced when our youngest was i list three.  It was tough raising my
kids as a single mom, but that ms too hard With is the way it goes.  I
have tried to date, but it see .  ,s the kids and everything- Anyway, I
don't have a bad life.  Ajid it

No Excuses4@ 175 "PlIF probably way too late at forty-seven to change
anything now.  I've toyed with the idea of going back to school and
studying something in the medical field, but who has the time?  The
store keeps me hopping.  And I need to build my client base even more,
so that the kids can go to college.  Besides, I am the only one I can
count on to take care of myself after the kids are gone, so I am saving
for my retirement.

"But you know, it's funny.  I'm not really looking forward to
retirement.  The knee has kept me from being very active-I have felt
out of shape for years-and it is tough to ski anymore.  I've got joint
mice, these little random pieces of cartilage that have formed, so I'm
in a certain amount of pain all the time.  I would love to travel to
Europe when I retire.  But there's no way I could walk all over Paris
and Rome.

"I have so much to be grateful for that I feel guilty wanting more. But
I guess I'll never stop wondering what the script would have been if I
hadn't lost control on that mountain and fell just the wrong way. I
have always had a secret fear that the real Kara got derailed that day
and I've just been making do."

Letting the Past Predict the Future Kara's excuse for not being true to
her essential nature was lot a figment of her imagination.  She really
had suffered a serious knee injury.  That really had created some
limitations.  It ,eally had affected her ability to make certain
choices.  The vast Majority of excuses are like that, which is
precisely why they are such potent forces for keeping you from moving
forward.  You raY Point to the fact that your father was a raging
alcoholic, or that you grew up in poverty, or that you are dyslexic, or
that you never got the training that could have made you a concert
vio1'rlist@ or that you were an army brat who never got a chance to
Make any friends.  I could (and in fact, I used to) point to the fact
that I was orphaned at fourteen after having witnessed my

parents' murder-suicide.  Whatever the excuse is, it did actually
occur.  In that sense, it is true.  But the problem is that it is only
true in regard to the way it shaped your life in the past.

The only thing keeping you from getting beyond your excuse is that your
Wheel of Fear has you believing that some version of whatever happened
in the past will happen again.  This takes away any sense of personal
responsibility, accountability, or power.  Excuses also give you
permission to ignore your own values, beliefs, and commitments, thereby
setting aside any sense of personal integrity.  You probably don't
articulate the fear in that way, but that's what's going on.  For me,
my excuse was that I had failed to save my mother, and my fear that I
was worthless convinced me I would fail again.  I was sure of it.  That
was my excuse for not risking.  I was the queen of surviving, but then
I had a ton of evidence to back up my really good excuse for not
thriving, and nobody had the courage, awareness, or permission to call
me on it.  I didn't have a Fearbuster Team.  I had successfully kept
everyone at bay.  And I was positive I was not responsible for the way
my life was turning out.

In Kara's case, the fear was that if she went after a dream, something
would happen-just like before-that would make sure her dream wouldn't
come true.  The lesson she had internalized from the injury that took
away her chances for rned school and the pleasure of skiing was that it
is risky to have big dreams and that it hurts almost unbearably when
something beyond your control puts an end to your dreams.  From the rel
she concluded-albeit subconsciouslyv-that she would only be
disappointed if she took a risk.  And it became a self-fulfilling
prophecy.  The Wheel of Fear was spinning.

Excuses excuse you from fulfilling your potential.  Kara ned her excuse
as the reason for everything from her weight PrOb' lem to her vague
dissatisfaction with her life in general to he' inability to find time
for continuing ed courses to her difficLilt1v imagining an enjoyable
retirement.  Excuses can stem from 011c unfulfilled expectations. 
Kara's Wheel of Fear compelled her to

No Excuses *1$z 177 think, "Don't dream.  Don't try to take charge.
Don't go for anything.  You might get hurt again.  You might end up
disappointed again.  Better take the safe road.  just be satisfied with
the status quo.  It's not great, but it's better than risking pain."

The phenomenon Kara was experiencing is the same one that makes people
afraid to look for love after they've been through a divorce.  It's
what makes people afraid to get back on a horse, literally or
figuratively, after they have fallen off.  Yet if we are to live fully,
we must love as though we've never been hurt, dream as though our hopes
have never been dashed, and take steps toward the future as though life
has never given us pain.

Listen to the words of the playwright George Bernard Shaw: "People are
always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I don't believe
in circumstances.  The people who get on in this world are the people
who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't
find them, make them."  Yes.  No excuses.  Authentic transformation
comes from accepting wherever you are in life and going on from there.
As the great choreographer Agnes De Mille once said to a group of
aspiring dancers who were bemoaning their physical limitations, "Dance
in the body you have."  And I say, live in the life you have.  Wastir1g
it with excuses and regrets amounts to rejecting your essential nature.
 And that is the worst crime of all.

The Badge of Honor Of course, plenty of people have more than one
excuse for why they are afraid to go forward.  I know I did.  I was
right there "Ith all the others who kept repeating the refrain "If only
.. ."  We continue to collect regrets as we go along, as though that
Ov's us the right to adopt an overly cautious and therefore limIt cd
approach to life.  If only I had gone to Interlochen as a @"*e major
the summer I was fourteen, I would say.  If only "31111@one in my
family had stepped in as a mentor after my

mother died.... If only I hadn't been raised in a tiny town Inly I
northern Michigan where opportunity is scarce.... If on hadn't left the
college I loved to follow a guy who dumped me.... If only I could have
had a baby... If only ... Sharing our regrets with someone who
understands creates a powerful connection.  This can be healing but it
can be seductive as well.  The last time you shared your regrets with
someone, how did you feel afterward?  Heavy, down, depressed, or light,
up, joyful?  The answer lets you know whether expressing your regrets
is keeping fear at work or letting you break free from the past.  Pay
attention.

There is no denying that my life would have been different if some or
all of my "if onlys" had occurred.  Yet, would it have been a brighter
or better life than I am living now-@ I will never know for sure, yet I
believe the answer is that those things I wished for would have
actually been detours, and in truth, I am exactly where I am supposed
to be.  Sure, I could regret lost love, missed opportunities, and
wasted time.  Yet, maybe love was not lost, maybe I didn't miss an
opportunity, and maybe I didn't waste a minute of my life.  Yes, there
has been love in my life that didn't last, yet because of each of those
relationships I have acquired the skills to love with greater depth
than I ever dreamt was possible.  Yes, it seems I missed opportunities,
and maybe they weren't mine in the first place.  Yes, I could point to
seemingly wasted years, yet during that time I learned how to heal My
pain, move beyond my fear, and love myself and others without regret. 
That gave me the courage to live a life that is mine and mine alone,
and to make my contribution to the world.  P what In order to find that
courage "I had to choose to give u I call my "Badge of Honor."  Most
people have one.  It is a fig'ra' tive award we bestow on ourselves for
all that we've endured- It ersely is all the excuses for the way our
life is or isn't.  We are perv roud of this badge, a kind of Purple
Heart that we believe P If lie

proves our valor in the face of life's inevitable difficultlel- oil
badge tells the world we have been wounded in action- No 11 der we're
not doing better than we are We compare war storie'i

No Excuses *J,$,- 179 verifying that it's dangerous out there and that
we shouldn't take chances without a guarantee of success.  We give each
other permission to stay safe instead of being courageous enough to go
onward.  We understand each other.  We nod sympathetically.  This feels
like friendship, but all we're doing is confirming one another's fears.
And so that Badge of Honor is really a Badge of Fear in disguise. N'en
I took responsibility for mine, I then had the power and the freedom to
move beyond it.  When I stopped repeating my litany of excuses, I
started focusing on what I can do now instead of on what happened in
the past.  And that has made all the difference.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE: FORGIVENESS F?Fk*@ Fe @ 1@1 In order to move
beyond your Badge of Fear, you must be willing to get past your past,
let go of who you thought you were supposed to be, and forgive all that
you believe has kept you down, including yourself.  Each time we
validate our Badge by using an excuse, we are announcing how we are
attached to our fear as well as making clear what and who we need to
forgive.  When we have regrets, forgiveness is in order.

My former college roommate, Kathryn, asked me recently if I liave truly
forgiven my father for killing my mother and himself.  I wanted to spit
out my usual answer: "Yes, of course."  Yet I hesitated.  How do you
answer that question when you finally admit th4L the answer is not
black and white but shades of gray?

One thing I have observed in myself and others is that forgiveness is
not a one-time-only event.  It is a process.  The first stage typically
happens very soon after we are wounded by anOthor person's behavior. At
that point what feels like forgiveness " Usually nothing but deniaL
Remember how I sang "Thank YGU' at my father's funeral?  I had told
myself that I had instantly fo'given him.  Yet why, when I looked at
him in the casket, didn't d a single tear?  I had a great deal more
healing to do, even

180 FEARLESS LIVING though I wasn't conscious of that at the time.
Denial is a fine temporary mechanism that helps us cope with the most
unspeakable of assaults on our souls.  But eventually we need to
acknowledge it and then release it.

The next stage of forgiveness is most often anger.  This is a,"
self-absorbed feeling that allows us to use the event as an excuse. How
could he have done this to me Why did this happen to me?  We feel like
an innocent bystander who has caught the bullet from a drive-by
shooting.  Life isn't fair!  People who stay stuck in this stage never
truly forgive and they allow fear to rule their lives.  If this
horrible thing happened through no fault of my own, the bogus logic of
fear goes, then I must not be a worthy person.  In fact, maybe it was
my fault after all.  Self-pity, resentment, and blame are the most
commonly expressed feelings of fear at this stage.  And depression is
most often anger internalized.  This is when we may become convinced
that we have been betrayed and scarred by the event.

The third stage of forgiveness can be extremely challenging.  It is
acceptance.  The event happened.  Life does not have a rewind button.
You have to go on from here.  Harboring anger only poisons you, not the
other person.  You cry.  You vent, but you understand now that the
person has power over you only if you allow yourself to focus on the
feelings of the past.  You stop searching for meaning and reasons.  You
stop blaming.  You release tile other person or group of people and ask
for a healing.  You accept the situation as is and move forward the
best you can.

Finally, you will reach stage four of forgiveness, comPaSsIon.  You are
able to see the event from the other person's perspective.  Now, so
many years after the murder-suicide, I ani able to see my parents for
who they were: two scared people who cOuldn't get past their own
insecurities and fears because they didn't have the skills to do that,
but who desperately wanted to be loved.  Not unlike most of the
population.  My father didn't know how to handle my mother's rejection
so he killed 111v

mother and himself for fear that living without her would be too
painful.  For him, death appeared to be the only alterilative.  _R

I have forgiven him for his false thinking and for his lack of self
acceptance  I have been able to reach this stage of forgiveness because
I have accessed my essential nature and claimed my wholeness, thereby
connecting to life around me.

I have forgiven my father, as well as my mother, in the sense that what
happened no longer affects my daily life.  I am able to share my story
in my talks, tapes, and books.  I have forgiven my father for loving my
little sister best.  I have forgiven him for putting his hands around
my throat and squeezing.  I have forgiven him for taking my mother away
from me.  I have forgiven him for leaving us with no money or
caretakers.  I have forgiven him for his selfish act because I now know
he was scared.  I have forgiven him.

That doesn't mean, however, that I'm "over it."  The tragedy is an
integral part of the fabric of my life.  I can't will it away.  And
now, I wouldn't even want to.  Forgiving my father doesn't mean
relinquishing the tender and bittersweet moments when I long for my
mother.  When I became engaged years ago, I cried.  It just didn't seem
right that my mother wasn't there to help me pick out my wedding dress.
When I got divorced, I cried again.  Where was she when I was in so
much pain?  Have I forgiven my parents?  Yes.  But that doesn't mean I
don't sometimes imagine their smiles and ache for their affection.  It
doesn't mean that I live in stage four all the time.  In fact, the
stages are interconnected and, depending on how I approach life, will
determine where I am.

FEAR BUSTER EXERC

ZISE ii When I am experiencing some trauma or major success in rnY
life-in other words, when risk is prevalent in my life-that " usually
when thoughts of my parents bring to the surface long-forgotten
feelings of anger, betrayal, rejection, and worthlessness.  Once again
I must ask myself if I have forgiven them.

182 FEARLESS LIVING Instead of expecting myself to give a simple yes
or no, I ask I ask self the following questions:

What did I want from the person, group of people, or situation that I
didn't get?  How often do I think about this encounter Monthly?

Daily?  Hourly?  When I think about this event, what negative feelings
come up for me?  What is the intensity of the emotion?

What satisfaction or benefit do I receive for not forgiving in this
situation?  Am I willing to forgive the other people involve Am I
willing to forgive myself for harboring judgment, ill will, or any
other negative feeling against this person, group of people, or
situation?

When I ask myself those questions, I can see how much my Wheel of Fear
is in control and evaluate how my unwillingness to forgive steals my
positive energy away.  It brings to light whether I am holding myself
accountable for any past hurts or still wasting time blaming them on
someone else.  It helps me find out if there is something to forgive.
Myself?  Another?  The circumstances?  I must remember that forgiveness
doesn't mean I approve of the behavior that was or is being exhibited.
Rather it is an opportunity to set myself free from the negative
connection that binds me to something over which I most likely have no
control.  I am actively choosing to remove regret from, the forefront
and move into appreciation of what was or is.  Forgiveness is not about
condoning the behavior or situation.  Forgiveness overcomes the past,
allowing you to move on, break free, and live in the present.
Forgiveness takes our regrets and Or cuses and transforms them into
lessons learned and skills ac, d He vee, sac_ qui red to help us
achieve self-mastery.

nor 4 If I think about my excuses and they still bother me,
forgiveness work must be done.  If I find myself conternpla 0 clever
answers and smart quips to defend my position, ynore

No Excuses $$4- 183 give ness must be done.  If I have a negative
attitude regarding my excuses, then they are still affecting my
behavior and more forgiveness work must be done.

Forgiveness is never for the other people involved or for the situation
itself.  It is always for you.  Forgiveness allows you to accept,
release, and make peace with the people and circumstances that perhaps
have been keeping you up at night.  It is a willingness to get over
what you think should have happened and an acceptance of the reality of
what actually happened.  Yes.  I have forgiven my parents.  Yet more
importantly, I have forgiven myself.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE: FORGIVENESS CONTRACT

When I teach my workshops, I ask my clients to use the following
Forgiveness Contract.  Repeating it daily helps you deepen your
willingness and commitment to forgive yourself and others.  Much of
what holds the Wheel of Fear together is our lack of self-forgiveness
and continued judgment of our thoughts and feelings.  I urge you to
have a Fearbuster Team member witness this agreement as you make it
with yourself.  This person can support you through the process as
necessary.  Forgiveness heals.  Be open to the freedom that is released
when You are willing to forgive.

1, (your name) am willing to forgive myself I am willing to forgive any
individual or group I believe has hurt, harmed, or betrayed me.  I
forgive myself for all the times I let myself down or ignored MY Own
needs, wants, and desires.  I forgive any judgments or unrealistic
expectations I have made of myself or others.

am willing to see the good in myself and others.

184 FEARLESS LIVING I am willing to restore my essential nature
through forgiveness.  I am willing to claim my sense of wholeness as I
forgive.  No longer do I waste precious time or energy staying stuck in
an unforgiving mindset.  Instead I am willing to forgive for my sake.
As I forgive my fear is dissolved.  As I forgive I am free.

Your Signature:

Witness:

Date:

When we finally see how excuses have been controlling our life, that is
not the time to berate ourselves for what we've been doing.  It is a
time to celebrate and say yes to healing the pain of regret.  Now we
can let go.

A Letting Go Ceremony To take responsibility for my Badge of Honor
(really, YnY Badge of Fear) and at the same time release myself from
its grip, I performed a Letting Go Ceremony.  This worked so well for
me that I'm going to share with you my experience and then give you
guidelines about how to create a similar experience for yourself.

Over the course of several years, I began to face the power my parents
still had over me.  They had been running MY life longer in death than
they had when they were alive.  I was stuck .  UaJIN in my Wheel of
Fear, going around and around, con ting reliving my fear of
worthlessness.  I had never let 90 Of n1Y dream of walking arm in arm
with my mother on a Sunday afternoon ... of the desire to understand
what went on between Iff parents ... of the searing pain that I had
been left with.  On tl'e twentieth anniversary of my parents' deaths, I
knew it was time to let go.

Letting go was one of the most challenging things I have ever done.
Because it was a risk, letting go brought up my fear of being
worthless.  I thought that if I let go, that would mean my parents'
deaths had been in vain.  If I let go, I would no longer wear the Badge
of Honor (really, the Badge of Fear) that helped me avoid confronting
my fears and living a full life.  My biggest fear of letting go was
that it would mean I would forget my parents.  I interpreted letting go
as a betrayal that would somehow make their lives meaningless.

If I refused to let go, then my attachment proved how much I loved
them, right?  Wasn't I willing to be miserable for my entire life to
honor them?  Wasn't I willing to sacrifice relationships so I could
continue to live in blame and shame?  Wasn't I willing to put my mother
on a pedestal so I could make her the innocent victim?  All of this
kept me attached to them, and somewhere in my mind I thought that was
what a loyal daughter did.  For twenty years, I wouldn't let go.

Then, on that twentieth anniversary, I asked Marta to accompany me to a
lake in the hills above Los Angeles.  I wanted to be in a comforting
surrounding.  For me, that meant trees, water, and birds.  I brought
with me a copper pot, a white sage stick paper, and a pen.  I asked
Martajust to be there with me to support me by witnessing the event.
She stood behind me and slightly to the right as I began my Letting Go
process.

First, I sat down and wrote a letter filled with the pain I had
experienced for twenty years.  Next, I cut some paper into dozens of
little strips and wrote down the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors I
wanted to release, one on each piece of paper.

"AFter that I wrote a love letter to my mother, and finally, a letter
Oflove and forgiveness to my father.  I told them about all the gifts I
have received from them.  I wrote until I could write no longer.  Tears
were streaming down my face for over an hour.  ExLhauu@sted, I smiled.
I knew I had put it all down on paper.  I had left nothing out, nothing
behind, nothing sacred.  stri I filled the copper pot with sand and
placed the letters and ps of paper inside one by one, lighting each one
on fire in

turn while I spoke out loud the feelings in my heart.  First came the
letter of anger, hurt, and sadness.  Then, I added all the thoughts,
feelings, and behaviors I wanted to release.  And last were the letters
of love and forgiveness.  I told my mother and father that it was time
for me to let go and become who I was meant to be.  I spoke with an
inner conviction even though my voice was quavering.  I told them who I
was and what I had learned because of them, and in spite of them. As
the letters burned, a deep stirring occurred within me, signaling some
movement, some internal acceptance.  Something was happening.  I
couldn't name it yet, but I knew.  I was finally taking responsibility
for my life.  My letting go was what my parents had been wanting all
along.  They didn't want me to continue to suffer.  They wanted me to
live.  They loved me.  They didn't want me to live in fear.

I took the smoldering sage stick and swirled it around myself to
symbolize that I was clearing away the past.  I then fanned the letters
with the sage, to symbolize that I was releasing any residuals of hurt
and accepting the healing.  As I looked upon the letters now turned to
ashes, I suddenly knew I had to bury them in the earth.  I grabbed a
rock and dugFa hole beside the lake, then carefully placed the ashes
within.  I covered them with some earth while affirming: "I forgive
you.  I forgive me.  I am willing to let go.  I accept love in my
life."  With the remains of the letters buried, I picked up my now
empty copper pot and said good-bye.  Good-bye to shame and guilt.
Good-bye to blaine and resentment.  Good-bye to the Rhonda who had been
afraid.

When I let go, I was letting go of my need to understand, have the
answers, and be a martyr.  Letting go meant I was Willing to embrace
the gifts my parents had given me while theY were alive and even after
their deaths, and was releasing all that no longer empowered me.
Letting go meant I could no longer blame my father or my mother for the
negative things that had happened to me.  Letting go meant I had to be
responsible fO' myself.  Letting go meant I had to claim myself with
2," of Oly faults, imperfections, and pain as well as all mly
strengtIll

No Excuses *4,4 187 ents, and potential for joy  Letting go meant I
was giving up my excuses.  When I let go, I found me.

Emancipate Yourself from Your Excuses You, too, can forgive, let go,
and find you.  Make a list of everyone who can still make you angry,
frustrated, and resentful even though you haven't spoken to them in
days, years, or decades.  Even if they have already died.  Also, if one
of your main excuses is an event-such as Kara's knee injury-w-rite down
the people who handled the situation inappropriately for you.  Kara,
for example, wrote down her mother because she had told her to minimize
her pain by comparing it to the pain of others.  She also wrote down
her father, for putting importance on keeping a stiff upper lip, and
her brother, for believing that the injury served her right.  She had
difficulty at first giving herself permission to list her family
because she felt it wasn't nice to own up to the fact that she blamed
them.  I reassured her that she would also have an opportunity to thank
them for all the good things they had done.  You will do the same, so
don't leave out somebody simply because you've never before allowed
yourself to admit that you have negative along with positive feelings
about the person.  And if you can, include your name on the list.

Pick one name from your list.  You might choose the one that has the
strongest hold on you.  However, if you sense that might be too
challenging, that's fine.  Pick someone else.  Where you begin doesn't
matter.  Your willingness to start is what counts.

Write two letters to your chosen person.  The first one is about your
hurt, rage, and pain.  Put all of it down on paper.  IOn't be kind.
Don't hold anything back.  In the next letter, write down all the
reasons you care for the person and all the 1""Ons You learned from the
person.  Add, if you can, your de to forgive the person.  In between
writing the letters, you may choose as I did to write on separate slips
of paper the hts, feelings, and behaviors you want to release.

Writing those letters, those thoughts, those feelings, and those
behaviors can be challenging because the process has a tendency to
bring up old emotions you have hidden away.  Uncovering them takes
courage and willingness.  But those are the very qualities you are
seeking to incorporate into your life from now on.  This is as good a
time as any to start.

Next, find a safe place to burn the letters and slips of paper perhaps
in your fireplace or in a bowl filled with sand, or outside in an open
area surrounded by sand or rock.  If you are in a high-risk fire zone
or don't feel comfortable burning the papers, tearing them up has the
same effect.

Now, as you light them on fire or rip them up, speak your intention to
let go even though you may not feel you are able or really doing it.
State the person's name and say you are letting the person go.  State
your name and claim that you are releasing yourself from this
situation.

If you want support, as I did, ask a trusted Fearbuster Team member to
come with you.  Ask that person to stand or sit with you, but not to
interfere.  He or she is there in case you need comfort or support. You
determine that, not the other person.  Boundaries must be spelled out
before you begin.  After I completed my process, I asked Marta to hug
me.  On the drive home I realized I needed to talk about what had just
transpired.  She gave me permission to share my feelings, which allowed
me to process them, thereby owning the shift that was occurring within
me.

When you have completed your Letting Go ceremony be a .ttuned to subtle
changes.  You may not experience a dramatic change.  just trust that
the process is working whether you feel something small or something
seismic or nothing at all.  Kar3for example, told me that she felt
peaceful when she burned the letters.  Nothing more.  But that in
itself is a big leap forward from fear to freedom.  And later, Kara
used the memorY Of her

Letting Go ceremony to trigger further changes.  I use the memory to
reinforce my changes whenever my Wheel of Fear threatens to take over
again.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE: YOUR LIFE LOG Fiv FPFkxl Once you have let go of
your excuses and the people involved in them, you are ready to take
responsibility for your own life, fully and fearlessly.  This is an
exciting and, yes, a scary and challenging task.  But this is where you
will begin to see that fear can work for you instead of against you.
We've established long ago that you won't eliminate fear.  However, you
can use that rush, that tingle of apprehension, to set yourself free.
Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls this "flow"-the perfect
emotional equidistance between boredom and anxiety.  And Maslow
maintains that, precisely like a psychologically healthy child, you can
grow if you "gratify basic needs for safety, belongingness, love, and
respect, so that [you] can feel unthreatened, autonomous, interested,
and spontaneous and thus dare to choose the unknown."

How can you accomplish that?  The technique I have devised is what I
call your Life Log.  When you write down in black and white exactly
what you do all day, you end up with a clear picture of whether you are
frittering away your life on low-priority activities out of fear, or
whether you are bold enough to use your time wisely and well in order
to go where you were meant to go.  The Life Log also lets you know
whether you are consciously and pro actively living by the values and
principles that rnake up your essential nature or whether you are
living in a constant state of emergency, simply reacting to whatever
comes up.  It holds you accountable.  No more excuses.  The way you
spend your time defines your life.  Look at your Life Log as if You
were a stranger.  What would you say about that person?  Is family a
priority?  Work?  What does the person value?

The Life Log also shows where your Wheel of Fear can trap YOU.  What
are the things you do during your day that sabotage Your intentions?
Excuses such as "I don't have enough time,"

"I don't have enough energy," and even "I don't have enough Money" will
be exposed for the shams that they are.  With it spelled out in black
and white, you will be empowered to

improve your circumstances as you take responsibility for how you are
spending your time.

Most of us don't really know how we spend our time.  We think we do,
yet most people fritter away minutes, hours, and even days simply
finding ways to avoid their Wheels of Fear or trying to figure out how
to live up to their expectations.  Add to that the amount of time spent
complaining, making excuses, and beating ourselves up, and it's a
wonder we accomplish anything at all.

Debbie is one of the many Life Log success stories.  She had a job with
a telemarketing company and her personal goal was to make two hundred
sales calls a week.  When Debbie began to work the Fearless Living
program, she scoffed at the Life Log.

She swore she knew exactly how her time was spent.  I told her to do it
for one week and if she was on target she would no longer have to
repeat the exercise.  She took the challenge.

After the first week Debbie walked into my office with a long face. Her
Life Log proved she was not living the life she had thought she was. 
Her phone calls totaled a little more than half of the goal she had set
for herself.  Debbie discovered the power of the Life Log.  It captures
all your fear-based efforts as well as actions generated by freedom. 
The hard truth was that Debbie would make her phone calls but after a
particularly good or bad one, she thought she deserved a break. And
that break would last as long as it took her to go around the office
sharing the results of her latest call because she was afraid that if
everyone didn't know what she had done, they would think she was lazy. 
The hours she spent on her Wheel of Fear kept her from fulfilling her
potential and making her quarterly bonus.  Once she recognized the
pattern, she saw how talking about he, calls was keeping her from
performing up to her standards 311d reaching her goals.  Now Debbie is
happily making 350 0111s a week and shattering all sales records.

In your Life Log, I want you to jot down what you're doin every half
hour.  Maybe you, like Kara, Debbie, and many of MY

No Excuses 191 @Pov other clients, think you don't have time for that.
My answer is that I have seen results with thousands of people, and I
know you don't have time not to do this.  By doing the Life Log, my
clients actually find more time, usually anywhere from four to eight
hours a week.  just think of what you could do with that amount of
time.  Kara did come around after a little stalling and started to keep
her log.  She couldn't be happier that she did.  She has become a
veritable emotional efficiency expert.  She has made time to go to
night school, where she is thrilled to be studying to become a medical
technician.  She has had surgery, which has vastly improved the
functioning of her injured knee, and reduced the pain.  She has asked a
Support Buddy to become her "health partner," sticking with a regular
walking program and switching to a sensible diet.  Kara has trimmed
down and has started to date.  She says she feels younger than she has
in years.  And she has decided not to wait until retirement to travel.
She is taking a three-week singles tour of Europe and leaving the kids
in charge of the store.

Kara took back her life.  You can too.  Follow these simple rules for
keeping your Life Log:

First, write a list of what you believe are your commitments in order
of priority.  Put it aside.

Then for one week, at each half-hour interval, write a quick
explanation such as "Watching TV' or "Surfing the Web" or "Daydreaming"
or "Sitting in the dentist's waiting room" or "Talking to my mother on
the phone" or "Playing Candyland with the kids" or "Working on the
Wilson account."  This is for your eyes only, and part of the reason
you're doing it is to learn to recognize when you're on your Wheel of
Fear, so be brutally honest.  If you ate a Whole bag of potato chips
after the boss yelled at you, write that down.  If you slept most of
the weekend after a demoralizing Friday night at a singles party, write
that down.  If You spent most of the morning schmoozing in the office

break room instead of answering your e-mail, write that down.

Warning: Keeping track of every half hour for the first week can be
daunting.  If you find that to be the case, start by keeping track of
time you spend in the area you are currently focusing on.  if you are
working on career, be vigilant about how you spend your time while
doing anything related to that.  If your focus area is relationship, do
the same thing.  Then keep adding more and more areas until you are up
to twenty-four hours, seven days a week.

At the end of that first week, create categories such as career,
relationship, parenting, extended family, self-mirturing, physical
fitness, personal growth, recreation, spirituality, friendship.  Make
up any categories you need to describe your life.  Put commuting time
under the appropriate category such as "career" if you are on your way
to the office or 64physical fitness" if you're driving to the gym.  If
you are effectively doing two things at once-say, socializing at a
party but also exchanging business cards-divide up the time into two
categories.  Next, add up how you spent your time in each category
during the past week.  Now get out your list of priorities and compare
what you actually did with your time to what you feel is important.  If
your top priority is opening up the restaurant you Ive always dreamt
of, but you didn't do anything to further that goal, take a look at
your log and figure out how you could have behaved differently.  Where
in your busy life was there an hour that you could have spent
researching the rent Pc" square foot in the area of town where you'd
most like to have your restaurant located?  Where were there a few in'
minutes when you could have calculated how much of YOU nest egg you
could reasonably use as venture capital.

Where was there a little downtime when you could have

No Excuses 193 W simply indulged in some creative thinking about the
decor and the menu and the wine list of your dreams?  If there was
time, and you didn't use it to get closer to your goal, then fear was
holding you back, not lack of time after all.  If there was time, and
you used it in a counterproductive way such as making an expensive
impulse purchase that ate away at the resources you've been meaning to
use to open up the restaurant, then fear was causing you to work
against yourself.  Remember, as long as you simply say you're yearning
to open the restaurant but do nothing about it, you're safe.  You can't
fail.  But, of course, you can't succeed either.  And as long as you
say you want to open a restaurant but you sabotage your efforts, you
are guaranteed to fail.

The same goes for any area of your life.  Did you spend time with the
one you love because a top priority is strengthening your relationship?
Or did you go to bed early rather than put the energy into
communicating?  Did you spend time with your children because one of
your priorities is to be a more involved parent?  Or did you park the
kids in front of the TV while you did something you "had" to do like
clean the bathroom?  Did you put in a little extra time at the office
because one of your priorities is to become more proficient at some new
skills you just learned?  Or did you knock off early because you're
secretly afraid You'll never master those skills and you'd rather not
try than to find out the truth about yourself?  Did you take a morning
walk because one of your priorities is to stay fit?  Or did you
"forget" to set the alarm for a little earlier than usual?  Ask
yourself questions such as those, and you'll see whether you are
letting fear run your life.  Pick one area of your life to work on. You
may want to keep it the same as the one you chose in Chapter 1 or
perhaps Some other area seems more important to you now.  Again, any
area works.

194 FEARLESS LIVING Commit to increasing your time in that particular
area a minimum of five minutes a day.  Your Wheel of Freedom proactive
behaviors list is a good place to choose new actions to take in any
area of your life.  This small five minute shift integrates the new
behaviors into your daily life, guaranteeing success.  Most of us look
at the list, pick five areas and want to change them all tomorrow.
That's a surefire way to fail.  We are setting ourselves up to be
overwhelmed.  Instead, I want to set you up to succeed, to win, to
integrate the behaviors permanently.  If you shift one area of your
life for five minutes a day, the alterations will be felt throughout
your entire life.  When you take charge of five minutes day after day,
you are building the skills to do that in any area of your life.  You
begin to count on yourself.

Each week, increase your time by five minutes.  If you choose to do
more than five minutes, that is just a bonus.

After you feel you are on solid ground in that one area, you can add a
second area.  When you feel masterful there, add another.  Add only one
area at a time.  I want you to master, not manage.

Keep your Life Log for a minimum of twelve weeks.  Fear is not overcome
without awareness, and the best way to account for your shifts is the
Life Log.  In this way, the Life Log becomes a written history.  You
will have a permanent record of how you have altered your life, five
minutes at a time.  When you look back over that, your confidence Will
rise.  You will know you can count on yourself.

Living in fear is wasting your time and your life.  If You are truthful
with yourself, you'll see that there are enough hours In the day to
live fearlessly.  Fear gives you excuses to do this Or take care of
that before you can get on with the important things in life.  Yet
you'll never get to the important things if fear keep, YOU busy.  So
fill in your Life Log day by day and week by Nveek and_

study it.  Soon you will release your excuses, take back your time, and
become responsible for the minute-to-minute decisions that determine
your life and set you free.

When you have begun to do that, we are ready to examine the most common
way fear shows up in your daily life.

 No Complaining the sofa in my office and Doug plunked himself down on
let out a huge sigh.

"I'm giving this a shot because my buddy Jason told me how great your
program is, but I don't think it really applies to me," he said.

"I mean, you call this "Fearless Living, but I'm not walking around
afraid of anything.  My only gripe is that all the good women are
takeu.

I'm thirty-two years old and I feel like I missed the boat.  I see
somebody I'm attracted to and she's either got a icing on her fit'- ger
or she tells me two sentences into the conversation that she has a
boyfriend.

"Well, okay, maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration.  A lot of
times I see somebody and I don't even bother to start a couversation. I
just figure somebody that hot is already taken.  Oh!  sure, I could
read the personals or get into chat rooms, but everybody knows that
only losers do stuff like that.  So that's MY deal.  Like I said, this
fearless stuff probably can't help me find anybody decent for a
relationship."

Doug might as well have been wearing a sandwich board @%ith the slogan
"I'm afraid I'm an outcast and can't bear to be re No Complaining
*0,4- 197 objected, so I can never get up the nerve to ask a woman out
on a date."  As I have told scores of clients and audiences,
complaining advertises your fears.  Doug had built enough evidence to
keep his fears firmly in place and he used complaining to cover his
core fear. That is how complaining keeps you spinning in your Wheel of
Fear.  And if you are complaining, then you are expecting things to be
different than they are.  As we discovered in Chapter 6, expectations
lead to disappointment.  That disappointment is frequently expressed as
complaints.  And complaining only exacerbates the problem by focusing
your attention on what is wrong in your life rather than focusing on
taking actions to solve it or accepting the situation as is and finding
peace with it.  Judy complains that her job as a receptionist is so
exhausting that she never has the energy to go to her evening acting
classes or update her pictures and her resume or go to any auditions.
She is broadcasting her fear that she is sure to be a disappointment,
not only to everybody she cares about but to herself, if she takes the
risk of trying to make a go of her acting career.  Gene complains that
his wife is a control freak and that her parents are the same way, and
in fact his parents are as well.  He is letting the world know that he
is afraid he's weak.  Claudia complains that the only people her
professors pay any attention to are the rich kids whose parents endow
the college.  She is publicizing her fear that she feels invisible and
afraid that she'll never measure up.  Sharon complains that her
teenagers take her for granted and ignore everything she laYs.  She is
announcing her fear that she is insignificant.

Yet raost of us accept complaining as a form of conversation.  I had a
client in one of my seminars confess that she didn't know there was
anything else to talk about but complaints.  Sad, but true.  I used to
be a professional complainer myself Not Only that, but I hung out with
Complaining Buddies who would "Onlrniserate with me.  In fact, I was
such an expert complainer that I developed what I have come to call my
"Story of the Day" routine.  I kept everybody in stitches as I
distracted them with

what amounted to a stand-up comedy routine about poor little me.

"You will not believe what happened," I would say.

"First, my alarm clock died or something.  No, seriously, it worked
fine -1 melt yesterday and then it picked this morning to have a tota
down.  just my luck!  The day of the power breakfast with the boss, and
I ended up oversleeping.  So anyway, once I finally got up, things went
from bad to worse.  My blow-dryer started to spark and then burned out
completely.  Oh, great!  Wet hair is definitely not one of my best
looks.  Then, I stepped on the scale and saw that I had put on three
pounds.  When I passed thirty, my metabolism slowed to a crawl.  It's
so unfair!  I have a friend who can eat like a truck driver and not
gain an ounce, but all I have to do is look at a piece of chocolate and
I gain weight.  So I was pawing through my closet going, "What the heck
can I wear that will make me look thin?  "You know what I mean?  Man,
that really puts you in a great mood, doesn't it?  Then ... 1@ Does
this sound familiar?  When you have a Story of the Day, your complaints
keep you preoccupied.  You don't have to face the real issues of your
day or interact on a meaningful level with other people.  You also
almost certainly fail to notice whatever is positive in your life. Your
day revolves around the attention you get for your entertaining story. 
Like all confirmed complainers, my Complaining Buddies and I actually
got a kind of perverse joy out of what we were doing.  And my
Complaining Buddies backed up my belief that whatever I was complaining
about was a hopeless situation.  We'd agree that there are no decent
jobs ul our field.  We'd say with conviction that men have commit nIent
issues ... that some people have all the luck ... that the boss
wouldn't give anybody a compliment if his life depended or, it And I
was leading the pack when it came to complaining.  Yet all along, what
I was really doing was advertising that I felt worthless.

No Complaining *,"Z 199 Complaining Can Become a Habit Unfortunately,
when we routinely make fear-based complaints, we often also branch out
from there and simply complain about anything and everything-the
weather, the traffic, the crowds at the mall, the lines at the bank,
the fact that we're getting older.  A veteran complainer bemoans the
fact that a thunderstorm spoiled plans for a Fourth of July barbecue,
as though the rain were falling only in his backyard.  He personalizes
every irritation and setback, proving to himself that he is being
singled out for trouble and bad luck and convinced that this just
proves it permeates every area of his life.  Therefore, he can't
possibly take a risk and succeed.  You've heard the description of a
pessimist as the person who sees the glass as half empty, while the
optimist sees the very same glass as half full.  The pessimist is
simply a fearful complainer.

"It's always something," he says with a melodramatic shrug when the
airplane sits on the tarmac for forty-five minutes, or the Internet
connection cuts off in the middle of downloading a thirty-page report,
or the tickets to the big game are sold out, or there's a half-hour
wait to get a table at the restaurant.

Yet if that complainer were on his Wheel of Freedom instead of his
Wheel of Fear, he'd read or nap while the plane's takeoff was delayed.
He'd remind himself that before the advent of the Web, he used to have
to trek to the library to do his research.  lie'd make plans to go to a
sports bar to watch the game.  He'd chat with someone while waiting to
be seated in the restaurant.  Ud if he were truly evolved, he would
consider the seemingly negative events as opportunities, not problems.
Maybe he'd choose to be grateful for the forced downtime on the
airplane while the takeoff was delayed.  Maybe he'd realize that he
ought to Witch to a more efficient Internet service provider.  Maybe
he'd strike up a conversation with someone at the sports bar arid end
UP with a new friend.  Maybe he'd make a mental note to call for
reservations the next time he wanted to go to the

111M

200 FEARLESS LIVING restaurant, thereby taking control of one small
area of his life instead of remaining a "victim."

Notice that the evolved person, the person who is free from fear, does
something.  He makes conscious choices.  He is proactive rather than
passive.  He doesn't let life happen to him.  He makes his life happen.
He doesn't complain.  He captures the -moment and makes the very best
of it.  He sees everything as an opportunity to learn something new,
share something about himself, or make a request.

And many times that is all a complaint really is: an unfulfilled
request.  Questions we haven't asked, issues we don't confront, and
problems we refuse to face come out as complaints.  Look at your
complaints.  Are there any that could be solved tomorrow if you took
actions consistent with your Wheel of Freedom instead of your Wheel of
Fear;'

ICISE FEAR BUSTER EXEI

Ye @k Keep a log of your complaints for one week.

What are your most frequent complaints?  What would you lose if you no
longer had that complaint?  What is the satisfaction you receive by
keeping your complaints?  Which ones seem unsolvable?  Which are real
concerns?  Which are long-term problems?  Which can be solved easily?
Which ones can you take care of now?  Which will you need help
solving?

Keep track of the feelings you experience when YOU are complaining. ?

Are they the same as when you are on the Wheel of

No Complaining *,10 201 Reframe your complaints as challenges.  For
example, not "My boss is a tyrant" rather "I either need to find a way
to work more comfortably with my boss or I need to look for a new job
Reframe your complaints as requests.

For example, "I would like to learn how to communicate better with you.
I'd like to discuss the differences in our styles.  Would Monday at
eleven work for you for a meeting?"

How would your life be different if you had no complaints?

Venting Is Valuable There are, of course, times in your life when you
need to talk about a truly upsetting situation and get some comfort and
advice.  That's when you can vent, which is much different from
complaining.  Enlist members of your Fearbuster Team as venting
partners.  You'll all benefit.  Venting, unlike complaining, is a
positive and productive process.  Complaining just keeps you stuck in
the complaint.  Venting honors your feelings and gives you a chance to
clear your head or release an expectation, which eventually helps you
come up with a solution.

You may already have some trusted confidantes who you know will be
there for you and who can count on you as well, yet formalizing the
validating process makes it even more effective.  Next to my sisters,
Marta is my top-choice venting partner.  We've trained one another to
listen and be present during the process.

As you learn the venting process, it is easy to fall back into old
Patterns such as complaining, gossiping, enabling, or dissecting the
problem.  To get back on track, gently remind each other about the
rules of venting.  Teaching your venting partners may take a few tries,
but the effort is well worth it.  To help Marta and

me stay on target, we both keep a printout of the venting rules ur
friends might by the phone, just as a reminder.  You and yo want to do
the same.

Here are the Fearless Living rules for venting:

1 ) Pick a venting partner who is supportive and trustworthy.

2) Explain that you need to vent about something, and ask your chosen
ventee whether he or she is free to talk.  If the person is busy,
respect that and find another mutually convenient time.  However@ if
you are extremely distressed and panicky maybe you just canceled your
wedding, or you were given the boot at work, or the biopsy was bad
news-then contact other members of your Fearbuster Team until you find
someone who is available to help you move beyond your fear right
away.

3) Honor each other's time by setting a limit, saying some thing such
as "I really need to vent.  Do you have fifteen minutes?"  This isn't
time to chitchat or make plans for a future event.  This is focused
time that you are requesting from your venting partner to help you get
to the other side of a challenge you are experiencing.  The time limit
will also remind you to express yourself as clearly and concisely as
possible rather than rambling.  Sometimes, though, you have to ramble
to clear your head.  That, too, is part of the venting process.  if you
have to ramble, do it consciously.  Say something like "I had a really
bad day.  Do you mind if I try to sort out what went on" Being free to
talk about your fears in a nonjudgmental environment helps you to let
go of the shame that can be associated with them.  If your venting
part" Ir has time to listen, go on and say something such as "It all
started when I was calling roll and this one kid didn't answer.
Honestly, that kid has been a troublemaker since the first day of
school!  I don't know how the other teachers handle him.  Usually, I'm
good with teenagers, Wt

No Complaining 203 this one has attitude like you wouldn't believe.
I've been meaning to talk to the counselor about him.  So anyway, when
he didn't answer I said, "What's your problem?"  Well, this kid went
and told the principal that I was rude and that I embarrassed him in
front of the whole class.  Now I'm in hot water.  I don't know how to
handle this."

4) Explain that you need a safe environment in which you can tell what
happened, and that you don't want the ventee to offer solutions.  ("I
think if I just talk about this, I'll be able to figure out what to do.
Right now I'm so rattled that I can't think straight.") The ventee'sjob
is to listen.  Period.  Venting is not about a quick fix or rescuing
you or finding someone to agree or disagree with you.  Venting is a
process that honors your feelings and transforms negative thoughts into
ones that are expansive, life affirming, and positive.  The very act of
venting eliminates the urge to resort to your Wheel of Fear's
self-destructive behaviors as an emotional painkiller.  Venting also
keeps you from dwelling on the problem and losing sleep over it.  It
creates a safe space that helps you discover what is important to you,
what no longer works, and ultimately, to reveal more of who you are.

5) Get everything out, within your allotted time frame.  In other
words, if the part that's troubling you the most is also the most
embarrassing, don't keep it a secret.  If, for example, you did sound
pretty sarcastic when you spoke to the student, tell your ventee that.
This is your opportunity to share your feelings, so don't hold back.
Yes, you may feel vulnerable, yet remember, you chose this person
because you felt safe enough with him or her to express yourself
fully.

6) Breathe.

7) If you need to be reminded that you are okay and that You'll get
through this, ask for support.  Tell your venting partner what you need
in order to help you move

204 FEARLESS LIVING beyond your fears.  Sometimes when we are venting,
we just need to be told that we aren't crazy, stupid, or a loser. Other
times we need to remember what we are committed to.  Marta and I
usually end every venting session with the following: "Tell me what you
are committed to."  That gets us back to our essential nature and our
feeling of wholeness, which is always bigger than the present problem.
("You're a wonderful, generous, smart teacher and you've touched
countless young lives.  You'll figure out how to handle it.  I've seen
you cope plenty of times before, like when that mother chewed you out
in front of the whole PTA.  You were so calm and so rational.  We all
learned a lesson from that.  Tell me again why you are a teacher.  What
are you committed to?") 8) Thank your ventee for his or her time and
support.  Your partner just gave you a gift.  Honor it by saying
something as simple as "Thanks for being there for me.  I really
appreciate that."

9) When you are finished, change the subject or simply hangUp.  It's
time to shift your focus.  This signals your subconscious that you have
processed your feelings and are now ready to take actions consistent
with your Wheel of Freedom.

For certain situations, such as divorce, death, or other traumatic
events, you will probably need to vent more than once, twice, or even
three times.  That is absolutely fine.  just be conscious of your
process and if you can, spread your venting around rather than putting
it all on one person.  Constant venting can be draining for your loved
ones.  If you find yourself venting more than you would like, or more
than your venting partners can easily handle, professional counseling
may be 21P' propriate.  Therapists are perfect venting partners.  They
have been trained to listen and provide the safe space you need.

One reason for having trusted venting partners is that

No Complaining *1$4 205 know you well enough to understand your basic
commitments and they won't hold you accountable afterward for feelings
that they know will be transient.  If you say you hate your husband,
your venting partner won't bring this up later when the trouble has
blown over and you love your husband again.  Marta is great at this.
She knows not to take what I say during the venting process as gospel.
I am venting.  That means anything goes, so I may not necessarily be
empowering or pleasant.  Yet, when I am able to share what is really
going on inside of me, we both know I will move through the difficult
situation faster.  Then I will be back to my empowering self in no time
at all.

Venting partners are also there to validate your feelings.  Because
ventees can be objective, they can remember the old saying that goes
"This too shall pass."  They know that the emotional pain you're
experiencing, however agonizing at the moment, will not last forever.
But-and this is very important they don't throw that in your face while
you are in the midst of your turmoil.  They allow you to explore and
process the feelings you are currently experiencing without squelching
you or judging you.

I am reminded of Abigail, a young woman whose best friend committed
suicide because of a broken heart.  On hearing the news, Abigail
immediately blamed herself for not having picked up on her friend's
signs of desperation when they were together the night before the
tragedy.  Everything that had ever made Abigail fear she is not good
enough was crystallized in that moment.  She couldn't even find a word
strong enough to describe her self-hatred.  She said to her mother, "I
will feel this way forever."

Her mother, a friend of mine, reports that all she said to her
'laughter was "Go ahead and talk about how you feel if you want to Or
you can just cry and I'll hold you."  Abigail began to sob, and her
mother rocked and crooned softly as she had done @vheri Abigail was a
little girl.  The mother did not contradict her daughter or diminish
her pain by saying, "That's silly.  You won't

WING

206 FEARLESS L feel like this forever."  But the mother knew that in
time, her daughter would come to terms with the feeling and that it
would at the very least recede, if not dissipate altogether.  In fact,
Abigail experienced the feeling with great immediacy for many years on
the anniversary of her friend's death, just as I did on the anniversary
of my parents' deaths.  But even that reaction began to lessen when
Abigail wrote a poem about her feeling and read it out loud each year.
This is an example of the fact that feelings that stem from fear are
not the truth.  Abigail is not worthless, no matter how worthless the
friend's suicide made Abigail fear she was.  Abigail felt guilty, yet
it wasn't her fault that her friend had taken her life.  Yes, Abigail's
feelings were to be honored, but those feelings were not the truth
about Abigail.  Again, honor feelings by venting but don't give them
power by acting on them.  When her mother gave her the space to grieve,
Abigail's healing process had begun.

Many times it gets down to this: Our feelings lie.  I'm talking about
the feelings that are derived from fear-based thinking, and sad to say,
that's most of our feelings.  Yet the majority of people believe their
fear-based feelings define who they are.

They do not.  Feelings move through you in the same way that a head
cold or a thought does.  Feelings do not sum up who you are.  Think of
the feelings you experience on a daily basis.  You love your job.  You
hate your job.  You love your spouse.  You hate your spouse.  You want
to start your own business.  Starting your own business would be too
much work.  You get the point.

Unfortunately, people tend to act on the feelings that are the
strongest at any given moment whether they are true or riot.

That is why venting is so important.  It keeps you from re acti,19
based on fear.  Abigail was in effect venting to her mother.  If she
had kept her feelings to herself, or if her mother had dismissed them
with something like "You shouldn't feel that way, 91 then Abigail might
have acted on her feeling that she was worthless.  The outcome might
have been defensiveness, depression, is

tion, or, worse, a copycat suicide attempt-all of which I experienced
in my attempt to push away my feelings of worthlessness.

In less dramatic situations, people act on feelings every day even
though they know they shouldn't.  They can't help themselves.  You dial
the number of your ex late at night when you're lonely.  You give up on
your spouse because you're tired of dealing with the issues.  You react
to the latest office gossip and make decisions regarding your future
based on the rumor mill.  You dash off a hotheaded e-mail to the boss
and regret it the minute you click "Send."

The way to prevent acting inappropriately as a result of feelings is to
vent.  If you don't have the time or opportunity to contact a venting
partner, you need to vent to yourself.  Grab a piece of paper and write
down all of your feelings as fast as you can.  Get it all down on
paper.  Every comment, thought, and feeling.  When all is expressed,
rip up the paper.  I prefer to rip it up into tiny, tiny pieces. Repeat
the writing and the ripping until you no longer feel heightened
emotions.  Through that process, you have done a compacted version of
venting using yourself, and that piece of paper, as a venting partner.
And you can always do the good ol' standby of hitting a pillow or
screaming into the wind.  Complete the process by writing down the next
proactive step you will take or a positive empowering statement, or
just by thanking yourself for having the courage to honor your feelings
rather than acting on them.

To honor who you are yet allow yourself to be human, remember the four
A's:

1) Acknowledge you are having feelings.  ("I am livid because of the
way the boss treated me in front of visitors from the other branch.")
2) Allow yourself time to process the feelings.  Honor them through the
venting process but don't act on them.  (Don't send that angry e-mail
in the heat of emotion.) 3) Ask yourself, "What am I committed to?" ("I
basically

208 FEARLESS LIVING like this job and I value my reputation in the
industry as a cool head who is a team player.") 4) Act on your
commitments.  (Schedule a time when you can calmly discuss your point
of view with the boss, making suggestions about how a similar situation
might be handled in the future.  Go to the boss with a solution) not a
problem.) When you master those four steps, feelings will no longer
dictate what you do.  Rather your commitment to your essential nature
will allow you to decide consciously who you are becoming.

How to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself Another way you and your venting
partners can help one another to stop complaining is to remind each
other gently during the course of any conversation-a formal venting
session or just anytime you're talking-that you need to replace "Why?"
with "How?"

"Why?"  keeps you inside the problem.

"How?"  makes you accountable and puts you into action.

Here's what I mean.  When I was stumbling My way through adolescence
and young adulthood after I saw my father kill my mother and himself, I
asked, "Why?"  every single day.  Why did my father do such a
horrendous thing?  Why was I the one who was on the scene?  Why didn't
I do something to stop my father?  Why didn't my father kill me?  Why
did God let my parentsi especially my precious mother, die?  Why was I
born?

As long as I kept asking why, and getting no answers, I was stuck in
that freeze-frame moment when the crack of a rifle taught me to be
afraid that I didn't deserve to be alive.

My solution, years later as I began to develop my program, was to stop
asking, "Why?"  and start asking, "How?"  HOW can I turn my experience
into a force for good that will help not 0"" t inN me but other people
as well?  How can I stop obsessing ab" : pain and begin instead to
recognize all that is right and bea,"

No Complaining *WZ 209 fal in my life?  How can I forgive myself for
not being able to save my parents and learn to acknowledge myself for
my fine qualities, my abilities, and my accomplishments?  How can I
forgive my father?  How can I let go of the fact that my sisters, even
though they were orphaned, were not singled out to witness our parents'
grisly deaths?  How can I spend my time and energy on the here-and-now
rather than on trying to fathom why God allowed the tragedy to
happen?

Switching from "Why?"  to "How?"  can give you, just as it has given
me, a more productive and joyous life than you ever imagined.  Even if
your whys are less dramatic than mine, they are equally capable of
keeping you on your Wheel of Fear, unable to move to your Wheel of
Freedom.  In the course of working with clients over the years, I have
heard a lot of whys, and they all boil down to one universal question:
"Why me?"

Why didn't my parents teach me about money?  Why can't I find anyone to
love me?

Why did my parents get divorced?  Why can't I be more disciplined?  Why
didn't my parents spend more time with me?

Why did my boss pass me over for that promotion?  Why can't I get more
organized?

All of these whys have just as much power over the people "who ask them
as do more extreme whys such as "Why am I blind?"  or "Why did I become
a paraplegic after that car accidentp, or "Why was my mother a homeless
drug addict?"  The magnitude of the misfortune isn't the issue.  When
you feel that life has dealt you a bad hand for whatever reason, and
when you k,ep trying to figure out why, you only perpetuate your fear
that You are unworthy or useless or powerless or destined to amount to
no good.

210 FEARLESS LIVING The fact is, we can never truly know why.  Sure, I
can come up with a reasonable explanation for why my father killed my
mother, but I will never really know why.  Only my father knew that and
in truth, he probably wouldn't be able to tell me the core reason even
if he were alive today.  Yet asking why can feel very good.  When you
ask why, you can actually rationalize that you are working on yourself
when, most likely, you are just spinning around in your Wheel of Fear.
Of course, in some types of therapy, examining why is useful, but that
is with a trained counselor who is doing the probing for a specific
reason.  Your asking yourself why, why, why, only keeps you in the
why-and why does not promote action.  it promotes self-analysis, and I
don't know about you but thinking any more than I do about all of the
challenges I have had only increases my fear and lowers my self-esteem.
And even if you try to get some perspective by reminding yourself that
there are people worse off than you are, that doesn't make your plight
any better.  In fact, comparing your pain with another's only belittles
yours and will probably make you feel guilty for your self-pity, which
once again feeds your fear.

Asking, "'why keeps you stuck in the problem.  Asking, "How?"  moves
you into proactive solutions.  Pledge to yourself that you will stop
asking, "Why me?"  Instead, ask, "How can I be aware of and find the
opportunities that are all around me?"

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE: GRATITUDES F?Fkv ?  I If you want to give up
complaining, you must learn how to reframe any experience at will. just
think of the power and mastery you would have over life if you could
change any negative situation into a positive opportunity.  I'm going
to share With you a potent technique that has helped literally
thousands of my clients and seminar participants to do just that.  They
trained themselves to see that proverbial glass as half full instead of
half

empty.  The technique is deceptively simple.  Yet that is the beauty of
it.  You don't need any more than five or at most ten minutes a day to
put this strategy to work.  And the effect is cumulative.  By the end
of a few weeks, if not days, you'll have built positive emotional
muscle in the same way you would gradually build physical strength if
you worked out regularly.  Promise yourself that you will take this
assignment seriously and stick with it.

Here's how it works.  Every day, I want you to write a list of
"Gratitudes."  This exercise is not unlike the age-old advice to
44count your blessings," yet it's bigger than that.  Or rather,
smaller.  Most of us think of blessings as the major positive factors
in life-good health, freedom from want, love, a chance to make a
difference.  Gratitudes, on the other hand, are myriad and exquisitely
specific.  As such, they do more than make you feel good for a little
while.  They literally change the way you think from negative to
positive.  They reframe your language from negative to positive.  They
change the way you listen and the way you see the world.  They put you
on your Wheel of Freedom effortlessly.  Gratitudes shift your focus so
that you are aware of what you have instead of what you don't have.
When you make Gratitudes an integral part of your day, you are
increasing your ability to see opportunities and possibilities where
perhaps none existed before.

Here's an example of how Gratitudes helped one of my clients when she
was in unfamiliar territory.  Betsy was attending a party where she
knew absolutely no one.  As she walked into the crowded ballroom, she
immediately felt uncomfortable.  She told herself this wasn't her type
of gathering.  Everyone was Much older.  As she turned to leave, a
gentleman asked her to dance.  Not wanting to be rude, she accepted. Up
to this point, fear had been making her feel that the situation wasn't
safe.

"These people aren't my type of people," she thought.

"I don't think I should be here."  Yet when she got on the dance floor,
he was in her element.  Betsy had been taking ballroom-dancing

212 FEARLESS LIVING lessons, and she had assumed that no one in this
crowd could dance.  How wrong she was.  As the gentleman whisked her
around the floor like an old pro, she was grateful for the lessons she
had taken.  When the music ended, he complimented her on her style.
Again, she was grateful that he noticed and appreciated her effort to
keep up.  Watching him walk away, she surveyed the room and instead of
complaining about the crowd, she realized she had been about to walk
out of an event that could perhaps be a lot of fun.  Betsy silently
said another Gratitude about being thankful she had been invited.  By
the time midnight came, she had taken every opportunity to dance with
the best ballroom buffs in the room.  It was like getting free dance
lessons.  Another Gratitude.  The event could have been a disaster. But
instead of getting stuck in complaining, Betsy had expanded her
opportunities by being willing to see the possibilities rather than
focusing on the seeming limitations.  Limitations only exist if we
decide they are limitations.  Betsy also was doing something very
powerful: she was refraining her thinking from negative to positive in
the process.  In the end, by expressing gratitude, she was able to put
aside the preconceived notions activated by her Wheel of Fear and
embrace the essential nature and the wholeness of her Wheel of Freedom.
And she had a lot of fun.

Here are the rules for Gratitudes:

Five Gratitudes a day are optimum.  However, you May begin with fewer
and add more per day as you get better at this.

that Gratitudes must be written down.  And Betsy did just @ when she
returned home that evening.  In the same way, if you choose to say your
Gratitudes out loud or to yourself when you can't write them
down-driving to work, Perhaps, or in a meeting-that's fine as long as
you do write them down later.  By writing them, you are in effect creat
No Complaining *::"4 213 ing an archive of your shifts and changes
that becomes imperative whenever you need a reminder that you are
indeed moving forward.

Use the present tense.  I use "Today, I am grateful for .. This keeps
you awake and attuned to what you are experiencing at any given
moment.

Eliminate the word "not."  Rather than writing, "I am grateful that my
hairdresser did not cut my hair too short this time," reframe that as
"I'm grateful that my hairdresser got the length of my hair just the
way I like it today."  This will help you learn to phrase your thoughts
positively and that will have a beneficial effect on the way you speak,
think, and listen.

Be as specific as possible.  Instead of "Today, I am grateful for the
blue sky," which is a general statement, bring out more details.

"Today, I am grateful for the sun shining through the clouds landing on
the daisies coming up through the broken sidewalk."  One major benefit
of being specific is that it is easier to relive a positive experience
in the present moment while at the same time building a memory.

Gratitudes are not about your accomplishments.  They are about events,
about things other people do, about the beauty of the world, about
serendipity.  Examples: "I am grateful for the excellent job Russell
did fixing my car today."

"I am grateful that the parking spot at the mall opened up this
afternoon."

"I am grateful the sale started today."

"I am grateful Sofia asked me to join her for lunch."

Gratitudes don't have to be grand and important.  Any little thing
counts-a child's smile, the perfect pair of earrings for a price you
can afford, the fragrance of lilacs on a

214 $"-t FEARLESS LIVING spring breeze, the sweetness of a fresh
orange, the chance to take a refreshing nap, the antics of a pair of
kittens, a chance encounter with an old friend, a table by the window
at your favorite restaurant, the string of traffic lights that turned
green for you when you were running late.

Gratitudes can be more significant events, as well: the opportunity to
help a loved one through an illness, finally getting your divorce
papers in the mail, finding out you don't need surgery after all,
getting a tax refund.

Pick an area.  The perfect way to start is to list five Gratitudes in
the area of your life you are presently focusing on.

As you expand your awareness, attempt to have each Gratitude be on a
different subject.  In other words, if you write that you are grateful
that the sun shone during your morning walk, then think of four other
Gratitudes that are about something besides the weather.  Use your
Gratitudes as an opportunity to be thankful for each time fear is
diminished and freedom is expanded.

Be aware of your feelings as you write your Gratitudes.  Are you
uplifted?  Moved to bittersweet tears?  Powerful?  Confident?  Full of
love?  Amused?  Awed?  Inspired?  Excited?  Optimistic?  Glad to be
alive?  If you would like, write down the feeling next to the
appropriate Gratitude as a method of connecting the positive feelings
you have to experiences in your life.  This will be meaningful when you
need an additional boost in self-confidence, which is one of the more
powerful effects of Gratitudes.  When you keep an ongoing list, it
gradually shifts your filtering system.  That changes your perceptions
and alters how you build evidence.  With each Gratitude, your Wheel of
Freedom Is gaining power.

Gratitudes can help you feel the way Piglet does.

"What day is it?"  asked Pooh.

"It's today," squeaked Piglet.

"My favorite day."

Here is the list of Gratitudes that I wrote today:

I ) Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to speak in front of a
group of leaders for an international corporation.

2) Today, I am grateful for getting a massage from a gentle
therapist.

3) Today, I am grateful for crying during a movie, reminding myself how
deeply touched I am by humanity.

4) Today, I am grateful I was in my hotel room when a long distance
call that I had been anticipating rang through.

5) Today, I am grateful for the snow falling on the ground during the
conference lunch break.  I love snow.

Back when I was still a complainer, I would almost certainly have
overlooked the precious moments when things were going my way, or I'd
have been blind to the beauty of the snow.  I would have framed
everything in the negative: Why did I have to get a run in my hose
right before my speech to all those important people?  Why is massage
therapy so expensive and why isn't it covered by my insurance?  Why did
I have to ruin my eye makeup crying over a silly movie?  Why did I have
to be in a hotel far away from somebody I love?  Why didn't I have time
to take advantage of the snow and go skiing?  Complaints like those are
a way of saying: "I'm afraid I'm not good enough to be giving this
speech.  I'm afraid I'm never going to have enough Money.  I'm afraid
I'm weak and foolish because I cried.  I'm afraid I'll lose the person
I love.  I'm afraid my life will always be all work and no play."

The Gratitudes, on the other hand, dispel the fears.  They are a way of
saying: "I wouldn't have been asked to give this speech if people
didn't think I'm good enough.  I'm fortunate to have

216 FEARLESS LIVING enough money to be able to afford a massage.  I'm
mature enough and sure enough of who I am to be honest about my
emotions.  The person who called loves me enough to want to hear my
voice.  Watching snow fall, even for a little while, is one of life's
great pleasures when I allow myself to appreciate that time fully."

That is the magic of Gratitudes.  The very act of writing them down
triggers the process that helps you master fear and release what Maslow
says is "a fundamental characteristic, inherent in human nature ... a
tendency to do anything creatively ... more easily and freely with less
blocking and self-criticism ... without strangulation and without fear
of ridicule."  Gratitudes are actions you can take that refine your
ability to distinguish between the world of fear and the world of
freedom, between fear-based feelings and your freedom-based intuition.
judgment of yourself and others is reduced as your ability to see the
good in all things increases.  When you consciously choose to see the
good that is already present in your life, you immediately open up the
floodgates for more good to come your way.

Intuition Doesn't Lie Gratitudes put you in touch with your intuition.
Feelings, as we have seen, cannot always be trusted.  But intuition is
never wrong.  It is subtle.  It is clear.  You just have to learn to
distinguish it from the voice of fear.  When a fear-based feeling comes
up, you may feel as though there are two of you arguing about what to
do next.  For example, jean wanted to ask for a raise.  One voice told
her she wasn't good enough to get a raise while the other voice told
her to go for it.  Maybe you've had a similar experience.  Those two
voices have very differenti obs  The first is the voice of fear while
the second is intuition, the voice of freedom.  Which one do you listen
to?  The voice that limits and constricts the voice of your essential
nature, the you that is absolutely amazing, magnificent, and a
privilege to be?

No Complaining ii: 217 How do you know which voice is motivated by
fear and which one is your freedom-based intuition?  The voice of fear
is always in a hurry, relies on evidence from the past, wants you to
believe there isn't enough for everyone, diminishes possibilities by
pointing out why things won't work, uses your logic and feelings to
convince you and in general, makes you feel bad about yourself.  When
Kathy received two job offers on the same day, fear told her to take
the one with the biggest salary.  Intuition told her to take the one
that made her heart leap at the prospect of going to work every
morning.  Fear told her to take the job that she knew from experience
how to handle.  Intuition told her to go for the one that held the
promise of new challenges.  Intuition tells you to invest in yourself,
believe your thoughts and ideas, and trust your own process.  Intuition
expands possibilities, knows there is more than enough time and money,
and has the patience of a saint.  Intuition is available twenty-four
hours a day, seven days a week, yet very few people take advantage of
its amazing decision-making abilities.  When you use Gratitudes to
master your fear, the subtle, peaceful voice of intuition becomes your
primary guiding force.  Intuition shows you the path to your purpose
while accessing the passion you need to take the risks necessary to
live fearlessly.

Gratitudes are a gateway to your Wheel of Freedom-an action you can
take that will immediately change your focus by attuning you to your
intuition.  And they worked extremely well for the clients I mentioned
earlier in this chapter.  Doug, the lonely guy who swore that all the
good ones are taken, listed the following Gratitudes on a certain
Saturday in june after working on the technique for several months: "I
am grateful that the bus driver saw me running and was kind enough to
wait for me to board.  I am grateful that the weather was sunny for the
company picnic.  I am grateful that I found a brand of bug repellent
that actually works.  I am grateful for the way hamburgers smell When
they're broiling on a charcoal grill.  I am grateful for the "aY grass
feels between my toes when I'm barefoot."  By Doug's

own admission, his pre-Gratitudes view on those same events would have
been the following complaints: "Why didn't they have the picnic on a
workday?  I hate getting up early and trying to catch a bus on the
weekend.  It was so hot that I wished I were in the air-conditioned
office.  Must be the greenhouse effect.  The whole planet is going to
melt.  Why is bug repellent so smelly and greasy?  Why did they only
serve red meat?  And cook it over charcoal?  Are they trying to give us
cancer?  Why wasn't the park in better shape?  I pay my taxes! Somebody
should mow the friggin' lawn once in a while!"

"Looking back, I can't believe how I used to gripe about absolutely
everything," Doug said.

"No wonder women didn't want to be around me.  But that has changed. On
the day of the company picnic, I was thinking up my Gratitudes and just
feeling so darn good and so relaxed, and up comes this pretty woman
from accounting.  She said, "Hey, whatcha smiling about?"  And I said,
"Oh, just everything.  I'm just feeling grateful to be here."

So we hung out for the rest of the day and I asked her for her number.
We've been dating for two months now.  I guess all the good ones aren't
taken after all!"

Similarly, Judy, the one who moaned about how her day job was keeping
her from pursuing her acting career, started listing Gratitudes and
ended up with a whole new attitude.  She became grateful for her day
job, realizing that it allowed her to pay for her acting classes.  She
was grateful for her excellent acting teachers, her photographer, and
for the resume service she used.  Before long, she got up the nerve to
go to some auditions and, sure enough, she landed a job.

Gene, who whined about how his wife and other family members were all
control freaks, learned to be grateful for the love and support of his
family, for the laughter in their lives, for their comfortable
circumstances, for his wife's cooking, for his parents' good health in
spite of their advancing age, for his in-laws' readiness to babyw-sit
for the grandchildren.  Gradually, he sorted out the difference between
the "control" he resented and theI

No Complaining 219 help he appreciated, and he gained the courage to
bypass his fear of being weak so that he could discuss the control
issues in a nonemotional.  way with everyone involved.  To his surprise
and delight, the issues were resolved easily and with no ill will.

Claudia, who was sure her professors were playing favorites, found out
through listing Gratitudes that when she looked at life in a positive
way, she was capable of doing much better academic work than she had
ever thought possible.  She had the courage to ask for additional
mentoring and discovered that her professors noticed her after all.

Sharon, who said her kids didn't pay any attention to what she said,
built up her sense of joy through Gratitudes, and with it her
self-esteem.  She was able to distinguish between healthy teenage
rebellion and inappropriate behavior.  As a result, she began to put
her foot down when the kids needed some discipline.  They were actually
relieved that she was performing as an adult, and they all grew
closer.

-I @ I @@

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE:

Write down a minimum of three Gratitudes for the first week.  Build up
to five.

Ask a Fearbuster Team member to be your venting partner.  For each
complaint you wrote down in the Fearbuster Exercise on pages 200-201,
write down a gnatitude to replace it.  If you catch yourself verbally
complaining, either vent instead or immediately replace the complaint
with a Gratitude.

Pick one of your most frequent complaints and remove it from your
conversations for one week.

Eliminate three complaints this week either by reframing, requesting,
or solving.

I know you are on your way by now to becoming an ex complainer and that
you're ready to tackle one of the most challenging and at the same time
the most exhilarating stages of the Fearless Living program.  Come with
me and find out how to stop being your own worst enemy, how to start
bolstering your self-esteem, and how to unleash the spontaneity that
fear has been keeping in check.

 No Beating Yourself Up

I'm going to tell you something about myself that I was ashamed of for
years.  Before Fearless Living, I would have died if you had discovered
this about me.  Here it is: I'm the kind of person who waits until the
last minute to accomplish most everything. That's right.  In the past,
I would have called myself a procrastinator or lazy.  Not many people
suspect that I'm an eleventh-hour type, of course, because all that the
world sees is the satisfactory end results.  Nevertheless, back when I
was a regular on my Wheel of Fear, I was afraid that people would think
I was a loser if they knew that I frittered my time away by decoupaging
or potting plants instead of working hard on a project, any project.  I
felt that I always had to work hard, efficiently, and perfectly and
this last-minute thing was really pulling me down.  Even though nobody
saw me potting those plants, my fears had me convinced that this was
something to be avoided at all costs.  Each time I didn't plan ahead, I
felt ashamed and guilty, certain I was doing something wrong.  Then I
Would either force myself to buckle down and try to work on a Project
months before it was due, fidgeting all the while and getting nothing
accomplished, or-and now I'm really going to

222 lz FEARLESS LIVING confess-I would get really creative and find
even more ways to avoid being at my desk.  I would have this strong
urge to find light-switch plates to decoupage or I would look at my
dying plants and conclude that in order to save them I had to drive to
Home Depot for the perfect fertilizer right that minute.  Or worse yet,
I would take myself out to lunch, since I was already feeling bad, and
top the meal off with a slice of chocolate-chip cake, heated and
smothered in whipped cream, thus undoing two weeks of healthy eating.

Whether I was attempting to accomplish the task at hand or avoiding
what I thought I had to do, the consequence of any of those actions was
that I would feel worthless.  Nothing I did seemed good enough.  The
entire time I was actually sitting at my desk I would berate myself for
not getting everything done and fast.  When I visited Home Depot, I
accused myself of procrastinating.  And when I went to lunch, my Wheel
of Fear gave me reason to call myself lazy, stupid, or worse.  And then
I would vow that next time I would figure out ways to manage time
better and prepare in advance, which is what I was convinced all
winners and worthy people do.

This lasted for years ... and I mean years!  Then as I began to develop
my program, I realized that what others called procrastination was
actually the way I worked best.  For me, it wasn't procrastination at
all.  I work well under pressure.  It turns me on.  It gets my creative
juices flowing.  It heightens my mental functioning and helps me learn
better and retain more.  it works for me.  I get things done.  And I
also realized that the time I spend decoupaging or potting plants or
puttering around the house is not wasted at all.  Because of the way we
process information, our mind needs time to sort through our thoughm
piece them together, and then rearrange them into something 0 h the s
u1*_I

that becomes our perspective on life.  For me, that happen, best when
I'm not straining to get everything just right.  Ideas litem ally pop
into my head at odd moments, such as when I have my hands around a root
ball while transplanting a geranium, 0

No Beating Yourself Up 223 when I'm cutting pictures out of a magazine
to decoupage a light switch.

Plenty of research has shown that cramming at the last minute is not
beneficial to the learning process.  And every teacher I ever had took
me to task for not working in a slow and steady fashion.  But as I
began to develop my program, I gained the courage and confidence to
question the research and the admonitions of my teachers.  What if
pacing myself according to their "rules" is not the best way for me to
learn and create?  What if I am one of the exceptions to the rules?
What if there are no rules?  What if I am not a loser?  What if I'm not
a worthless procrastinator with no self-discipline?  What if I am a
perfectly fine person who happens to have an idiosyncratic learning and
creating process?  What if I stopped beating myself up and instead
empowered myself in any situation?

At that point, I told myself I would not beat myself up for three
months about the way I work.  Instead, I would praise myself for what I
did, however small.  If I produced one paragraph, great.  If I finished
a whole project, great.  But no longer would I judge myself on the
process.  During those three months, I realized that I do love the
pressure, the tension, the stress.  They give me a high.  They prime
the creative process for me.  My anxiety decreased and my guilt
disappeared.  I wrote my first workbook in a matter of weeks and did
the same for the second one.  Those were projects I had been yearning
to complete for a long time, but my habit of beating myself up because
of the way I work had been keeping me from accomplishing those very
ambitions.  When I began to embrace my late nights and afternoon mocha
breaks, I found my natural rhythm, freed myself from fear, and began
creating in the way I was meant to create.

No More Negative Self-Talk Since then, I have helped many clients
overcome fear-driven, 'elf-limiting behavior by showing them how to
reframe their

experiences and eliminate their need to beat themselves up because they
"think" they should be working differently.  However, I also want to
emphasize how important it is never to beat yourself up even if you
really have done something self-destructive or inappropriate.  Beating
ourselves up with negative self-talk is the single most damaging thing
we do while spinning on the Wheel of Fear.  When we do it, our
confidence, courage, and self-esteem are obliterated.  Beating yourself
up will never motivate you to change.  I have never met anyone who has
achieved high self-esteem and therefore the courage to make positive
transformations as a result of saying to herself, "You are an idiot!
How could you do something like that?  What the bleep is wrong with
you?  Won't you ever learn?  You should know better by now!"  When you
talk to yourself that way, you become more fearful than ever that you
not only don't but can't measure up.  That voice is not your higher
self.  It is not your conscious.  It is your Wheel of Fear.  All the
voices of past judgment, inherited hurts, and faulty belief systems.
The voice is not you.

Remember Frank, the real estate salesman who had a fear of failure?  He
proved that you can accomplish a great deal with fear's whip at your
back.  Yet, what we are talking about here is much more than
accomplishing "stuff."  We are talking about Fearless Living,
accomplishing life on your terms while igniting your passion, and
embracing your essential nature.  And to that end, there is never, ever
a reason to disempower yourself by beating yourself up.  Never!

The solution, then, is to begin the process of altering the way you
talk to yourself and the way you talk about yourself to others.  First,
though, I'll briefly explain the process that occurs when you become
aware of how and when you beat yourself up.  Learning to let go of the
ingrained habit of beating yourself up takes commitment.  I urge you to
give yourself, as I did, at least three months to experience
significant progress.  These are the elf stages you may experience as
you learn to stop beating yours up.  Use the following as a map toward
freeing yourself from" the critical voice of fear.

No Beating Yourself Up *:00 225 Once you commit to becoming aware of
your negative thoughts I am convinced the following will play out with
slight variations: After understanding the negative effects of beating
yourself up, you decide to earnestly release this detrimental habit
from your daily life.  You decide to notice your negative thoughts but
realize you usually become aware of them only long after the
fact-minutes, hours, or even days later.  And the only reason you
notice them at all is because of the effects, such as lower
self-esteem, lack of possibilities, anger at the world, etcetera.  You
notice that beating yourself up usually follows your personal version
of not being good enough.  During this phase, you may begin to see a
pattern, as I did when I noticed that I was beating myself up for my
work habits.  Then it gets worse, you discover you beat yourself up for
beating yourself up.  You note how clever your Wheel of Fear can be.
With your heightened awareness, your negative thoughts about yourself
and others become easier to see.  Awareness is being expanded and
refined.  After increased awareness, you now hear your negative
self-talk immediately after you utter it.  The good news is you are
catching it more quickly.  The time between action and awareness has
decreased.  When you are in conversations, you hear how other people
talk negatively about themselves.  It isn't attractive.  You decide to
become more vigilant.  Next, you notice you are beating yourself up
while you are in the process of actually doing it whether it is done
silently or out loud.  This is a critical moment.  It is proof that
your awareness has been heightened.  Soon, you stop the negative
self-talk in midstream.  The fact that beating yourself up is lowering
your ability to reach out to others, take risks, and be true to
yourself is becoming more evident.  You vow to stop.  You don't want to
do it any more.  Slipping back into your old habit, you begin to beat
Yourself up about beating yourself up.  You do it again and again and
feel powerless to stop it.  You remind yourself that learning to stop
beating yourself up is a process.  First you must know you are doing it
before you can choose differently.  Compassion enters the picture.  You
give yourself a break.

226 770qVv',-FEARLESS LIVING As you quit trying to be perfect, you
notice the negative self talk before the thoughts actually form fully
in your head or come out of your mouth.  This is an important step. 
You now have the awareness to stop the behavior in its tracks.  You
observe how fear attacks when you are at your most vulnerable, like
when you are taking risks.  You begin to differentiate between thinking
the thoughts and speaking them.  Then, you think negative things about
yourself yet you don't say them anymore.  This is a powerful sign that
you are mastering the voice of fear.  You begin to hear your negative
inner dialogue and instead of beating yourself up, you do nothing
except listen.

When you say something bad about yourself, you immediately counter it
by telling the voice the truth, "That is a lie.  That is not the truth
about me."  Next, you are able to stop yourself in the middle of a
thought and immediately reframe it in the positive.  Not "I'm raiding
the refrigerator again.  jeez, I'm a human garbage pail!"  Instead,
"Something must really be up for me today.  I must be taking a risk in
some area of my life.  I acknowledge myself for noticing my
overeating."  You take out your laminated card and choose an action
from your list of proactive, behaviors.  Then you acknowledge yourself
for the behavior.

Or you might thank the voice of fear for caring), about YOU so much
that it wants to keep you safe; then you remind it that you' are doing
great and don't need help right now.  The voice decreases in frequency
and intensity.  Your thoughts are more positive than negative.  You are
paying attention to how you speak to yourself at every turn.  The
criteria for empowering self-talk becomes "Is what I am saying loving,
compassionate, kind, empowering, or insightful?"  It feels odd when you
do beat yourself up.  It doesn't feel good.  When you are around
others, you feel uncomfortable when they beat themselves up.  Rarely do
you beat yourself up, and when you do, you switch to an empowering
statement right away.  You have mastered refraining.  Others notice a
difference in you and ask you what you have been doing You feel less
fearful, and you're able to achieve much more that' you previously
thought you could.  ,:-."A

No Beating Yourself Up *W-z 227 As you can see, there are many places
that people could be stopped when they begin to master their Wheel of
Fear.  I've spelled out the moments for you to encourage you to keep
moving forward.  It is normal to be pulled back, but it's only
temporary and it usually happens just before you are about to take a
quantum leap.  It is a process and once you've mastered it, your mind
has space to create and expand into areas that you choose.

Nobody's Perfect When you make it through the various stages, you will
have accomplished a great deal.  Yet sadly, at the very moment that you
begin to master your fear and let yourself grow, you are likely to beat
yourself up because your metamorphosis is not complete and permanent.
As Maslow laments, people seeking growth and what he has termed
"self-actualization" have a tendency to think of these goals "as if
they were Nirvana states of perfection.  Once you're there, you're
there, and it seems as if all you could do is to rest content in
perfection."  That's not life, of course.  Life is about being, but it
is also always about becoming.  And sometimes it's about going back a
bit without meaning to do so.

Even so, if you're like many of my clients, you will have the urge to
judge your growth as if it were possible to be perfect.  Yet, your
judgments only perpetuate your fears.  It brings up all Our faults and
tempts us to compare ourselves to others, making us fear more than ever
that we're not keeping up and that fosters more insecurities.

In fact, we tend to be such harsh self-critics that accepting
compliments about our transformations is often difficult.  Someone
congratulates you on landing a great new job after years of talking
about leaving the old one and you think, "Sure, I got up the nerve to
send out my resume, and I aced the interview, but 't Will probably end
up being the same mess I was in before."

Maybe you even say that, instead of simply saying thank-you.  Either
way, you don't accept the compliment.  You don't relish it.

Yet accepting what others see as your strengths is crucial to your
continued growth.  Compliments are a gift.  They are an opportunity for
you and another person to connect in a powerful, positive way.

A major shift happened in my life when I decided to accept other
people's compliments about me unconditionally.  One day, the man seated
next to me on a plane watched me pull some plastic envelopes out of my
briefcase and stack them on the tray in front of me.  The envelopes
were my portable filing system for the drafts of my first Fearless
Living workbook.  As the man watched me work, he whistled
appreciatively and remarked, "You're very organized."  Right then, my
Wheel of Fear was activated, making me feel I wasn't capable of writing
a good workbook.  So I blurted out, "Well, you don't really know me."

Quickly, he shot back, "Well, I'm sorry you won't accept my compliment.
I meant it."  Of course I was startled, embarrassed, and didn't know
what to do.  So I thanked him and went back to working on my
manuscript.  The words blurred before my eyes, however, as I started
thinking about all the compliments I had belittled.  I wondered whether
maybe the people who had complimented me knew something that I didn't.
What if they could see something in me that I was blind to?  In fact,
as I thought about what the man had said, I had to admit that I am
indeed very organized and always have been.  What's so interesting is
that when I owned that, I also stopped telling myself I wasn't capable
of writing the workbook.  The words came back into focus and I was
proud of them.  They said what I wanted to say.  They would help
people.  I picked up my pen and started editing myself with a newfound
surge of confidence.

From that moment on, I decided to see myself through the eyes of people
who give me compliments rather than from My own limited point of view
of myself.  I wanted to see myself as they saw me.  When I did, I began
to embrace those qualities that I had previously discounted or
ignored.  If others saw the

No Beating Yourself Up *-00- 229 in me-especially if more than one
person saw them-1 chose to own them as true.

As I practiced accepting compliments, I realized that the minute you
judge another person's compliment, you have discredited and minimized
him as well as yourself.  Maybe a colleague says, "I definitely learned
something from the way you gave that presentation to the sales staff
this morning."  If, instead of saying, "Thanks!  I'm glad you got
something out of it," you say, "Really?  It wasn't exactly my finest
hour.  I left out a lot of what I had planned to say," you have
effectively told the person offering the compliment that he is wrong.
You have refused his gift.  Your judging disempowers the person giving
the compliment.  The connection is broken.  Trust deteriorates.  There
is no partnership, only belittlement.  On the other hand, your
willingness to see a compliment for what it is would have allayed your
fear, enhanced your ability to accept your accomplishments as good
enough, and empowered the other person in the bargain.  That is a
classic win-win situation.  An inability to accept a compliment only
feeds your fear of accepting yourself for who you really are, and
criticizes someone else's opinion at the same time.  You both lose the
opportunity to connect and to be seen for the gifts that you are.

Another thought about compliments: Resist the temptation to compare
yourself to the best you ever were.  For example, I was a size four in
college.  I am no longer a size four.  Let's face it, I will never see
four again.  When someone compliments me on my figure, I could either
think to myself-or worse yet, say: "You didn't know me when I was a
size four.  I don't look all that good at this weight.  I was much more
attractive then."  Or instead I could honor the compliment, thereby
honoring myself, with something like the following: "Thank you for the
compliment.  That is very kind of you and I appreciate it."  Notice
that I didn't have to agree with the compliment, yet I didn't disagree
with it either.  I simply accepted it.  Accepting a compliment is a
step toward mastering your Wheel of Fear and learning to accept
Yourself

230 *Q""Z FEARLESS LIVING

CISE FEAR BUSTER EXER Keep a compliment journal.  Write down every
single compliment you receive with no judgment or evaluation.

After each compliment write, "I accept this to be so," or "I choose to
believe that is true about me."

With each compliment you are expanding your ability to see how amazing
you really are.

What's So Funny?  Another way we beat ourselves up is through jokes.
I'm not talking about the healthy kind of humor that lets us see the
absurdity of our fear.  Laughing about the way you rushed around
straightening up the house and dusting the tops of the pictures just
because the service guy was coming to fix the dishwasher is terrific.
You've caught yourself in the act of letting the fear of not being good
enough run every little aspect of your life.  But poking fun at
yourself for your shortcomings is another matter entirely.  That habit
does nothing but disempower you.  So does calling yourself names as a
way of making people laugh.  When you accidentally knock over a lamp
and then say, "I'm a total klutz, in case you haven't figured that
out," the ensuing laughter only makes you wonder if you really are
inadequate.  So the next time you call yourself a name or make yourself
a brunt of a joke, ask yourself" Did that empower me or disempower me.
Be sure you aren't beating yourself up.

When we beat ourselves up we are putting ourselves down, giving up on
ourselves, and comparing ourselves to someone or some standard we have
come to expect we should be like.  When we beat ourselves up, we think
we are being honest by pointing out our faults before anyone else can.
Yet, all we are really doin

No Beating Yourself Up 231 is reinforcing our Wheel of Fear by telling
ourselves over and over why things are the way they are.  That makes us
feel powerless, unable to change our circumstances.

Beating ourselves up can also be a misguided form of modesty.  We think
we'll have a better chance of being liked if we're not too
accomplished, not too threatening, not too powerful.  We put ourselves
down so others don't feel uncomfortable.  We're afraid of being seen as
vain, so we downplay our strengths.  We can't be too bright or too
gifted or too together out of fear that we will antagonize people.  So
to ward off this fear, we reason that as long as we announce our
shortcomings louder and more frequently than any accomplishment, no one
will be offended or think poorly of us.  We would rather minimize
ourselves by calling it luck or giving the credit elsewhere so that we
don't hurt anyone's feelings or show anyone up.

We may also play dumb so we won't scare off a potential mate.  Women
are especially prone to this' and are afraid that men are threatened by
smart and accomplished women.  Yet, there are plenty of men-and
women-who are searching for mates who can keep up with them. Obviously,
a woman who minimizes herself in order to attract a man is not going to
attract the right man for her.  We hold ourselves back for the good of
the whole, yet that isn't good for anyone.  In Maslow's words we are
engaged in "a denying of our best side, of our talents, of our finest
impulses, of our highest potentialities, of our creativeness.... [This
is] the fear of hubris."  The italics are his, and that word means
arrogance.  Yet if we would all stop beating ourselves up and start
celebrating what is special about each of us, the fear of hubris would
be mastered at last.

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE: ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I have discovered an amazingly effective antidote to the habit of
beating yourself up.  The technique builds your self-esteem and your
ability to count on yourself.  I call it "Acknowledgments."  It is a
specific way of giving yourself credit-credit at is no doubt long
overdue.  Acknowledgments are a way of fueling and refueling your
emotional engine with self-confidence.  If you do them regularly, you
won't run out of gas.

You may have already heard about "affirmations."  They are extremely
valuable, yet their power is limited by your ability to believe that
they could come true.  You can say to yourself, "I have the right to
speak my mind," or "I am qualified to do this job," or "I can reach my
goal," and you may be empowered.  That is great, yet I know that, for
me, affirmations were difficult at times because I didn't really
believe I could accomplish any thing near what I was affirming.  So I
would affirm, then beat myself up, affirm, beat.  You get the point.  I
hadn't built up a backlog of results to prove I could do what I was
affirming.  I hadn't praised myself for something I actually did.
Acknowledgments do just that.  They record the fact that you did walk a
block.  You did say hello to the cute girl at the coffee shop who
smiled at you last week.  You did make an appointment for a mammogram.
You did do those things.

Acknowledgments are about every baby step you take.  They are about
each and every small act of courage.  They rest on the premise that, as
legendary football coach Vince Lombardi said, "Inches make a champion."
Absolutely everything counts.  If YOU were on the verge of beating
yourself up and instead you distracted yourself by taking some
action-secretly flexing and pointing your feet under the desk, getting
a drink of water, scratching the dog behind the ears, polishing your
glasses-that counts.  And if acts as seemingly unimportant as those
count, then acts with even a little bearing on something you hope to
accomplish really count.  Think of affirmations and Acknowledgments

No Beating Yourself Up 233 as business partners.  As you embody your
Acknowledgments, affirmations will be effortless to incorporate and
believe.

Here's a perfect example.  One day, before I got good at
Acknowledgments, I am embarrassed to admit that I walked into a room,
spotted a woman with a body to die for, and immediately had a fit of
envy.  She was thin and toned, with perfect proportions and a certain
athletic grace.  At the time I was far from overweight by medical
standards.  But by my own standards, I was pudgy and out of shape.  I'd
been "too busy" to eat right and exercise for a while.  I had moved up
to my fat clothes.  My thin clothes were too tight.  Nobody really
noticed the extra weight, but I did.  So I hated the woman with the
gorgeous body, standing there in a skinny pair of jeans with her
perfect abs and her cute little butt.  I avoided her and quickly got
into a conversation with some people who weren't such a reproach to me.
I also vowed that the very next morning, I wouldjoin the gym and start
working out.

What happened the next morning?  I found lots of reasons why I was
still too busy to get over to the gym.  Then I beat myself up for not
going to the gym.  I looked into the mirror and beat myself up for the
way I looked and the clothes I wore.  I became very ashamed of how I
hadn't taken care of myself.  I told myself I was a loser for not going
to the gym.  And when I didn't keep my promise to myself the following
day, I felt worthless.  I lost my resolve and desire to go to the gym
altogether.  I lamented, "What's the use?"

Fast-forward to a time when I had learned the power of Acknowledgments.
Again, I walked into a room and saw a woman with an enviable body.  I
realized the reason I was envying her was because I wanted what she
had.  Again, I made up my mind to join a gym.  No negative self-talk.
Rather, I became keenly aware that envy is based in my fear of being
unworthy, so I resolved to get on my Wheel of Freedom and take an
action.  The minute I got home, I got out the Yellow Pages and opened
to the list of gyms.  That's as far as I got.  I didn't even read the
ads or pick a gym near me.  But I wrote down in my journal "I
acknowledge myself for beginning the process of choosing a gym by
opening the Yellow Pages."

The next day, I bought a good pair of sneakers and some gym clothes.  I
didn't put them on.  I didn't pick a gym.  I didn't get any exercise.
Yet I acknowledged myself for what I had done rather than beating
myself up for what I hadn't done.

Step by step, I got to the point where I finally joined the gym.  Then
one fine day, I actually went to the gym.  I got on the treadmill.  As
I explained in the Life Log exercise, five minutes is all you need to
move from fear to freedom.  It is the first step in integrating a new
behavior.  I resolved to walk for five minutes.  Now, I know full well
that you need twenty minutes on a treadmill to get all the
cardiovascular benefits.  I have also read those magazine articles that
extol the benefits of strength training in addition to walking.  Yet, I
knew I would be sore for three weeks if I overdid it, and that I'd
probably give up as a result.  Forcing myself to do what I "thought" I
was supposed to do would have surely set me up for failure.  I stuck
with freedom.  I stuck with my commitments.

So there I was at last, starting to break a sweat on the treadmill. Two
and half minutes down, two and a half minutes to go.  And who should
show up and start walking on the treadmill right next to mine but the
self-same goddess with the flat abs and the cute butt who had made me
feel like a slob when I first saw her.  She was a treadmill pro.  She
was up to using weights.  just by the way she got going, I could tell
that ninety minutes would be no problem for her.

For a moment my fear got the better of me.

"Don't be a wimpl" I found myself thinking.

"Don't quit after five minutes!  You can keep up with her.  You can
show her!  Anyway, how embarrassing would it be to stop after such a
short time?  She's probably glancing over here and thinking, "Holy cow,
look at that jiggly behind!"

" And then I got ahold of myself.  I remembered my Acknowledgments,
that personal-best list of the steps I had taken that had gotten me on
the treadmill in the first place.  I stopped beating myself up.  I
realized that if I stayed on that treadmill longer than five minutes,
I would be doing it as a reaction and not Out of a conscious decision
based on my commitments.  I would be

No Beating Yourself Up 235 staying on because of her.  If I did that,
she would be running my life.  That was not acceptable to me.  At the
end of five minutes' I got off the treadmill.  I acknowledged myself
for completing the five minutes as well as for sticking to my
commitments.  There was time enough, I reminded myself, to build up to
more minutes and even to using weights.  And you know what?  That's
exactly what I did.  By the end of twelve weeks I was up to forty
minutes on the treadmill and lifting weights three times a week.  I
lost ten pounds and was walking around in my skinny clothes.  Lesson:
Acknowledging yourself for what you do will help you master your fear
and motivate you to keep taking positive actions.  Beating yourself up
will keep you fearful and either immobilized or prone to doing things
that aren't good for you.

Getting to Know You Another powerful aspect of Acknowledgments is that
they are about you and your process, your way of working and playing
your style of interacting and dreaming.  They become an incredible tool
for self-discovery, giving you the ability to increase your awareness
of who you really are and at the same time validating your
achievements.  That, obviously, is invaluable as you grow and begin to
take risks.

A thirty-something woman named Amy is a good example.  She lives in New
York and has a telecommuting job as a graphic designer for a Web site
with offices in California.  Mostly, she communicates via e-mail and
sometimes the office phones her or faxes her.  So Amy, who works out of
her apartment, has put herself on West Coast time.  She stays up late
and wakes up around noon when her colleagues are getting to the office
for their nine-to-five stint.  And when she does get up, she doesn't
bother to get dressed.  She makes a cup of coffee, butters a bagel, and
props herself up in bed with her laptop.

So?  Amy, whose mother had drummed Ben Franklin's early to-bed-early
to-rise credo into her head, was afraid of appearing

foolish.  The fact that the neighbors across the hall could see that
Amy's copy of The New York Times stayed outside her door long past the
6:00 A.m. delivery time made her feel incredibly guilty.  She beat
herself up about that, and vowed to set the alarm just to get up and
bring the paper in, but she never did and then she beat herself up even
more.  She also had this weird feeling that the people she was talking
to on the phone could see that she was in her PJs and hadn't put her
contact lenses in or her makeup on.  She vowed to start getting up
earlier and dressing as if she were going to an office, thereby
improving her sloppy lifestyle.  She did do that for a while, but she
spent so much of her morning getting ready that her productivity
started going down.  She beat herself up for that.  Then she drifted
back into her old routine, but by this time her Wheel of Fear was on a
roll.  She was sure her neighbors thought she was a complete fake and
she felt completely foolish.

Amy heard me speak at a seminar while she was on the West Coast for one
of her face-to-face staff meetings.  We began to work together shortly
thereafter, via phone and e-mail.  Among other things, Fearless Living
taught her the technique of Acknowledgments.  Little by little, Amy
stopped beating herself up for working in bed and started acknowledging
herself for coming up with her most creative ideas just as her eyelids
fluttered open in the morning.  Then she acknowledged herself for
capturing the ideas right away.  She acknowledged herself for putting
off the pleasure of reading the paper until after she had done a good
few hours of work each day.  She acknowledged herself for having the
discipline to do a job with no supervisor breathing down her neck.  She
acknowledged herself for having a gift for imaginative designs.  She
acknowledged herself for finding a job that suited her personality and
one she really enjoyed.  She claimed each acknowledgment by writing it
down.

While all of this was going on, Amy was making her owl' acquaintance,
so to speak.  She was meeting for the first time a talented,
dependable, resourceful, creative person-herself

She stopped worrying about what the neighbors and the building
superintendent thought about her hours and her work habits.  In fact,
she realized with a touch of chagrin that since she is not the center
of the universe, those people probably hadn't been paying attention to
her lifestyle anyway.  She also came to understand that enjoying the
life she had made for herself was her inalienable right.
Acknowledgments had helped Amy stop monitoring her every move as though
she were being watched and judged.  They had helped her stop judging
herself and they taught her to reframe negative thoughts as positive
ones.  Amy realized that her Wheel of Freedom thrived on creativity,
which gave her the inspiration to do the work she loved.  She
acknowledged her rhythm and her essential nature and her gifts.  In so
doing, she was well on her way to mastering her Wheel of Fear and was
free to be all that she really is.

Surely not only Amy but everyone whose life she touches is better off
for that.  Finding your contribution is not about self indulgence  When
you are invested fully in your life, you actually like to work.  Work
is no longer drudgery.  It energizes and excites you.  And the work you
do affects others positively.  Whether you're making flower
arrangements or putting siding on a house or figuring out people's
taxes or performing brain surgery or running a day care center or
training dolphins or delivering Meals On Wheels or harvesting oysters,
you are giving of yourself.  Now that you have mastered fear, you
finally have enough of yourself to give.  Once you stop functioning out
of a sense of duty based on fear of reprisal, you begin to take the
next step forward because it is, in Maslow's words, "more delightful,
more joyous, more intrinsically satisfying, than that [with which] we
have become familiar."  And the world is better off for that.

Fear of Acknowledgments Yet writing down Acknowledgments can be a
daunting challenge.  That is partly because, as Amy discovered,
Acknowledgments can be about revelations and insights as well as about
actions.  Learning who you are can make you uncomfortable at first. For
example, you might want to write, "Today, I acknowledge myself for
realizing that envy is another way to see I am feeling incomplete in an
area of my life," or "I acknowledge my self for seeing how fear limits
my choices about how to use my time."  Both are insights that will
alter the way you live.  And if that is too much for you at the
beginning, then choose absolutely anything that is moving you forward.
I don't care if it is as small as congratulating yourself on thinking
about writing Acknowledgments, or just writing down one.  The secret is
to begin.

Another reason most of us have a difficult time coming up with
Acknowledgments is because we think the act of giving ourselves credit
implies we are bigheaded or selfish.  We are afraid of being perceived
as egotistical or superior.  Worse, we are afraid of actually becoming
conceited and puffed up.  Yet without a strong sense of self, we are
unable to take the risks necessary to move beyond fear.  Your unique
constellation of gifts and qualities makes you who you are.  Their sum
is what can be your contribution to the people you love and the world
around you.  When you acknowledge yourself, you free yourself to do
yourself proud.  That is ajoyful and generous way to live, not a self-'
centered and stingy one.

People also have a hard time expressing Acknowledgments because they
believe they will become self-satisfied and rest on their laurels.  In
fact, just the opposite happens.  As our selfconfidence soars, we are
infused with more energy and creativity than ever before.  We become
curious and eager to risk the unknown instead of feeling threatened by
it.  When our fear subsides, we look forward to each new challenge.

How to Make Acknowledgments Work for You Here is the technique for
putting Acknowledgments to work in your life:

Every day, write five Acknowledgments, using the present tense, as in
"Today, I acknowledge myself for .. . " That may not be easy at first.
Nothing seems good enough, does it?  You finished the report but you
should have started a week ago, so you rushed it.  Therefore, you are
not perfect and you can't acknowledge what you did.  I used to feel
that way too.  Yet Acknowledgments are not about what you were supposed
to do.  They are about what you did.  Whether you hesitated or quit
before you had planned to or made some mistakes is not important.  The
question is, did you do it?  Or did you make a step forward toward it?
If the answer is a yes, write down what you did.

The perfect place to begin acknowledging yourself is in the area of
life you have chosen as your focus.  Also another great starting point
is to acknowledge yourself whenever you notice you are on the Wheel of
Fear.  Remember, this isn't about perfection.  It is about any movement
that you made that was a stretch, out of the norm, not your usual,
thereby giving you the confidence to risk.  just as you did with
Gratitudes, frame Acknowledgments in the positive.  Ask yourself, "Is
what I am acknowledging loving, compassionate, kind, empowering, or
insightful?"  Like Gratitudes, the more specific you are the more
impact Acknowledgments will have by setting them in a solid foundation
of details.  The more specific they are, the quicker and easier it will
be to claim the power of Acknowledgments.  Keep track of what is easy
to write down and what is hard.  Maybe you're comfortable writing, "I
acknowledge myself for doing the research for the next issue of the
newsletter."

But maybe you squirm when you try to write, "I acknowledge myself for
finding something constructive to do after my wife canceled our date
night.  I acknowledge myself for spending those hours starting a book
I've been wanting to read."  If so, you've just gained some insight
into the fact that you are less fearful in the area of career than you
are in the area of your relationship.

Speak your Acknowledgments out loud to yourself, and then try saying
them to someone you trust.  What can you write down yet would have
difficulty sharing with another?  What is the difference?  Maybe you
can acknowledge yourself to another person for what you perceive to be
worthy achievements, but you can't bring yourself to say, "I
acknowledge myself for paying my bills on time this month avoiding any
finance charges."  That's fine.  You don't need to expose your
vulnerabilities until you have gotten to the point where your
self-confidence is more solid.  Right now, keep certain Acknowledgments
private.  They are your secret strength.  Ask a member of your
Fearbuster Team to listen to one Acknowledgment a day without judgment,
and then to congratulate you as if you had just won the Nobel Peace
Prize.  After all, for most of us, doing something positive for
ourselves in a consistent and persistent manner is just about that
important!  For years, I was unwilling to believe in myself for longer
than a millisecond because of all of my past failures.  I had reached a
certain level of success, yet I thought I was still a loser who was
going to be laughed at one day soon.  Hearing my team member
congratulate me time after time helped to change that so I could
believe in myself and attain the success I had thought was out Of
reach.

After you are comfortable writing your Acknowledgments, begin the
process of absorbing them at a deeper level by

No Beating Yourself Up *110 241 reading over each Acknowledgment five
times slowly to yourself This process can be painful at first because
of all our past conditioning, yet it is vital because it reinforces the
message of your Acknowledgments.  Look at yourself in the mirror and
acknowledge yourself out loud.  Try to look into your own eyes as you
speak.  This is a powerful exercise of self-love.

When you have grown accustomed to acknowledging yourself, start
expanding this skill by acknowledging others.  You'll find that giving
genuine compliments is now easy.  And remember, people are dying for
attention.  The greatest gift you can give another person is an
acknowledgment of who the person is as a human being.  No matter how
confident people appear on the outside, they still have fears and
anxieties that they don't measure up in some area or another.  Don't
wait until something major happens.  Compliment people on little
things, just as you have learned to acknowledge yourself for little
things.  You might say, "I love the fact that you are always on time. I
really appreciate the way you respect my schedule."  Or "Thanks for
seconding my motion at the meeting.  I value your opinion."  Or "You
look great in that color!  You've got such a terrific fashion sense."

Here is the list of Acknowledgments I wrote today:

I Today, I acknowledge myself for reaching out for help regarding a
difficult task.

2) Today, I acknowledge myself for speaking up even when the fear of
being thought of as a loser came up.

3) Today, I acknowledge myself for saying yes to an opportunity to do
something with which I have had no previous experience.

4) Today, I acknowledge myself for calling my venting partner instead
of complaining.

5) Today, I acknowledge myself for scheduling a vacation even though my
fear of feeling worthless wants me to believe it is an indulgence.

When you begin acknowledging yourself every single day, complimenting
others as often as possible, accepting compliments with ease, and
giving up impossible standards of perfection, you will turn that primal
fear of not being good enough into a force that sets you free to
fulfill your essential nature and express your innate wholeness,
thereby becoming who you were meant to be.  What was once anxiety will
become excitement.  What was once apprehension will become
exhilaration.  What was once stress will become stimulation.  What was
once uncertainty will become a quest.  What was once impatience will
become eagerness.  What was once fear will become awe and wonder at the
magnitude of life's possibilities.  You will leave behind the old
restrictions of your expectations in order to embrace the unlimited
potential of your Fearless Path.

 The Fearless Path hen James B. Conant was president of Harvard, he
kept on his desk a statuette of a turtle.  The base was inscribed with
this message: "Consider the turtle.  He makes progress only when he
sticks his neck out."

Fearless Living is about sticking your neck out.  It's about finding
the courage to take risks, to change, and to keep going even if you
falter.  It's about mastering the fear that comes from past regrets and
using it to summon the strength to take another chance.  It's about
taking each new risk without regret.

The work you've been doing so far has given you concrete ways to master
your fear and to move toward the freedom that is your true self.  Now
you are ready to learn another secret that I, along with thousands of
others, have learned about Fearless Living: The very act of setting
yourself free from fear protects you from the pain you've been trying
to avoid all along.  The paradox of Fearless Living is that you are
safer when you're free than you are when you're attempting to stay safe
by avoiding risks.

An incident in my friend Marta's life is a classic example of

this.  She had wanted to be a singer, but after a brief, early attempt
at making her dream come true, she had abandoned the idea.  Years later
at mid life she started thinking again about singing professionally.  I
knew her by then, and she talked to me about her plans.  She said she
envisioned giving a solo show.  She'd hire an accompanist.  She'd rent
a theater.  She'd hire a tech crew.  She'd do a lot of publicity.  I
heard about this for months and months.  After a while, although I had
acknowledged Marta for coming up with the ideas-which after all is the
first step in taking a risk-I started to wonder whether she was ever
going to do anything but talk about her dream.  She hadn't even picked
out the music yet.  She said the music had to be perfect, since this
would be her second debut.  But she said someday soon, she'd find the
perfect music and get on with it.

At that point I recognized that her fear of being a fake was stopping
the show.  It was keeping her in perfection mode.  So as her Powerful
Partner I knew I had to say something.

Finally, the opening I needed presented itself.  I looked her straight
in the eye and told her gently but firmly that she was kidding herself.
Her eyes widened with disbelief "What?"  she said.

I repeated very clearly, "You are kidding yourself" I went on to tell
her that she had been talking about this show for over a year and no
real progress had been made.  I told her that the talking was making
her feel as though she were doing something.  I told her that although
I love her very much and would support her always, I had come to doubt
that she would ever actually do anything about this show.  Her Wheel of
Fear was in complete control.

Marta was furious.  She stormed out of the restaurant.  We didn't talk
for days.  Then she called me.  She told me how much she had hated me
when I had confronted her with the fact that she had been stalling when
it came to making the show happen.  She said she had gone home and
vented to her husband about what I had said to her.  He had listened
while she got everything out.  Then she had looked to him for
validation, saying, "You

don't believe that, do you?"  And he had the courage to say he agreed
with me.  He didn't believe she would ever do the show either.  She
didn't have music.  She didn't have an accompanist.  She didn't have a
location.  Because nothing was right or good enough.  Everything had to
be perfect.  Her fear of being a fake was calling the shots, telling
her to have everything "Just right."  Otherwise she would surely be
found out.  And that impossible goal was keeping her from taking the
risk she wanted so dearly to take.

At that moment, Marta surrendered.  Her husband and her best friend had
been willing to tell her a painful truth.  She heard us.  In turn, she
became willing to learn how to risk.  She asked me to coach her.  I
shared with her the formula I have used successfully with scores of
clients when they have reached the stage Marta had just reached.  The
formula is a capsule version of everything you've been learning and
putting into practice as you have worked your way through the Fearless
Living program, chapter by chapter and day by day.  Marta had been
working through the program as well, yet until I gave her the formula,
the various aspects of the program had not crystallized for her into a
cohesive, easily accessible way to move from fear to freedom.  Yet as I
have learned over the years, the formula is most effective after they
have experienced the work.  Atjust the right time, the formula has the
power to change lives.

Now, at last, is the right time for you to receive the formula.  It is
my gift to you because you have done the work thus far and made a
commitment to continue doing it.  You have internalized the tenets and
exercises of Fearless Living.  You are ready to use the formula anytime
from this point on as a surefire way to get on your Wheel of Freedom as
fast as possible when something happens that triggers your Wheel of
Fear.

RISK

Release your attachment to the outcome.  Invest fully in your
intention.  Stand for the truth.  Keep kindness a priority.

Release your attachment to the outcome.  In Chapter 6, you learned to
let go of unrealistic and unspoken expectations.  This is the
fundamental first step in putting the Fearless Living program to work
for you.  If you skip this step, the power of the rest of the steps
will be diminished.

The "R" will help you access the skill of releasing expectations
immediately.  Taking a risk-the essential element integral with all
aspects of Fearless Living, after all-is not about winning or losing,
rather it is about having the courage to try something new.  However,
that doesn't mean being foolhardy.  Fearless people have the wisdom to
consider all the possible outcomes of taking any given risk, especially
a big one such as starting a new business.  They learn all they can
about the venture.  They know there's a difference between hesitating
out of fear of failure and taking the time to do research and get
advice.  Ultimately, they let go of the goal.  They focus on the
process.  If they don't reach the goal, they are not devastated.  They
have the emotional stamina to pick themselves up and take a new risk.
That gives them the fortitude to stretch themselves even further
because they know intuitively that with each risk they are being more
true to themselves.

Each time you take a risk, be honest about whether you have
expectations regarding the outcome.  Let's say you've begun dating
someone new.  Are you thinking constantly about whether he or she is
spouse material?  Are you calculating every move and every sentence
with the hope of making this relationship "the one"?  Or are you
reveling in the pleasure of a newfound friend, allowing each of you to
learn and laugh and, yes, love

The Fearless Path ;@ @'- 247 @PIF without your eye on a goal?  If you
can do the latter, then the outcome will take care of itself.  If this
is the right relationship, you'll stay together.  If it's not, you will
go your separate ways.  In either case, you'll have no regrets.

The same is true for any area of your life.  Are you working on your
novel so you'll be rich and famous?  Or are you writing because you
have something to say and you take pleasure in the process?  Are you
starting a new business so you can prove to your parents that you're
smart and capable of making more money than your brother?  Or are you
itching to be your own man and do something you believe in?  Are you
having a baby to keep up with your sister and your best friend?  Or are
you aching to hold a new life in your arms and heart and guide the
child toward a time you will never see?  Beyond all of that, are you
prepared to accept that your novel might get bad reviews?  That your
business might not get off the ground?  That your child may be born
with special needs?  The only true way to live fearlessly is to take
risks without expectations and then to do all you can to make the risk
worthwhile even as you prepare to accept the outcome without regret.

Invest Fully in Your Intention The "I" in the Fearless Living formula
will remind you that intentions, as you learned in Chapter 6, are the
antidote to expectations.  The "I" will also encourage you to continue
the Life Log you started in Chapter 7 as a method of eliminating the
excuses that are taking up your precious time.  Once you have
identified your intention in any given situation-for example, writing
your novel because you have something to say rather than because you
expect to become famous-go for it with all you've got.  Keep your Life
Log faithfully so you won't be able to tell yourself you don't have
time.  Find the time.  Scrape up the money.  Learn everything you can.
Ignore your detractors.  Enlist your Fearbuster Team.  And on the days
when some bureaucrat sits on the paperwork or an ice storm makes you
miss a crucial meeting or illness saps your energy or a loved one needs
your

248 FEARLESS LIVING full attention, don't give up.  Postpone maybe,
but don't give up.  You are not at the mercy of fate.  Accomplishments
happen when you invest fully and purposefully in yourself.  And the
Life Log becomes proof that you are doing just that.

Standfor Truth As you learned in Chapter 8, complaining is nothing but
a way of avoiding the truth of who you are.  Gratitudes, on the other
hand, teach you to speak and act true to who you are.

They show you how to transform negative experiences into meaningful and
positive lessons.  Many times we get off track because we get caught in
our fear-based feelings and stories, forgetting what we are committed
to.  At those times, we are refusing to surrender to the life before us
and cherish the gift that it is.  When someone does something that
affects us adversely, we tend to lose sight of our essential nature.
Remember, the only person left to face at the end of the day is you.
And your life is a reflection of how you perceive the world. Gratitudes
shift your focus, giving you the clarity to reclaim your commitments. 
Without clear commitments, you can easily be blown off course and
rendered powerless.  Instead, decide a course of action based on what
you value and the type of person you would be proud to be.  The "S" in
the Fearless Living formula will help you stand for your essential
nature and focus on Gratitudes instead of complaints. When that
happens, your wholeness will naturally expand.

Keep Kindness a Priority Remember Chapter 9?  No beating yourself up!
Acknowledgments override your negative self-talk and nourish your soul.
They are the key to treating yourself-and for that matter, everyone
else-with the kindness that allows fearlessness to flower.  Being kind
to yourself keeps you on the path toward joy and peace of mind, and
eases the pressure to be better or more perfect than you are.  Kindness
to others puts compassion to work and overrides your need to be
"right."  Being kind gives

you the space to breathe while integrating the changes you would like
to make, and allows you time to process these new ways of being.
Learning to love yourself through any situation rather than just the
ones you or others approve of is absolutely necessary.  This is a vital
component of the internal permission you need in order to follow your
own fearless path.

The RISK formula can change your life, just as it changed Marta's life.
The minute she let go of her fear that all would be lost if everything
were not perfect, she was able to take a risk.  She began to focus on
the process instead of the goal.  She began to enjoy every minute of
the process.  Within a few months, she had put on her solo show.

Since that time, she has found the courage to take one risk after
another.  She formed a female a capella group.  She began booking the
group into supper clubs and theaters all over town.  She hired a
publicist.  She invited the press.  To her delight, the group almost
always performs to rave reviews.

Yet when things are not perfect-when a review is mixed or the theater
isn't sold out or she has given a performance that was less than her
best-Marta doesn't let her Wheel of Fear intervene.  Freedom from her
fear and of the emotional pain that would be its consequence has
inoculated her against that pain.  Of course, like all of us, she is
more pleased when things are going well than when they aren't, and she
works hard to do a responsible and professional job of her singing. 
But she no longer lets her Wheel of Fear hold her back.  The pleasure
of the process has overridden that fear.

Yet if the process is an end in itself, then what it produces benefits
not only a risk taker like Marta, but others as well.  Marta gives
pleasure to her audiences by using the gift of her voice.  In a sense,
this accomplishment is but a by-product of the pleasure of the process.
Also Marta has ended up making a genuine contribution to other people's
happiness.  And that is the true measure of success.

Think of your definition of "risk."  Is it going back to school,

falling in love, or shooting for that promotion?  It could be saying
you're sorry or admitting you need help or sharing your feelings with
someone you love.  Risk is different for different people.  That is one
reason our Wheels are individualized.  We are all afraid of different
things and in turn, what we perceive as a risk is different.  This is
another reason to practice compassion for yourself and others.  And our
Wheels of Fear also remind us, whenever we experience feelings of fear,
that we are in fact risking much more than we give ourselves credit
for.  Acknowledge yourself In their unique way, our Wheels of Fear
guide us through our fear, giving us the courage to risk expressing who
we truly are.

Meredith took a risk when she began the Fearless Living program.  Doug
was risking when he shared what he was thinking about when the cute
girl walked up to him.  Connie risked when she asked her mother-in-law
to watch the baby.  Kara risked when she was willing to reevaluate her
happiness quotient even though to the outside world everything was
peachy.  Marta took a risk when she gave up her idea of perfection and
just started singing, anywhere and everywhere.  My sister Linda took a
risk when she was willing to admit she was afraid of being ordinary.  I
risked by forgiving myself.

Each of us takes risks that go unnoticed.  Sometimes we don't think
they are big enough, difficult enough, or good enough to be called a
risk.  Yet, every time we acknowledge the risks we take, no matter how
small, we are creating a foundation that will sustain us through our
fear.  We will know we can count on ourselves to follow through and we
will believe that no matter what we are doing, we are contributing to
the worldiust by being willing to be ourselves.  That is the biggest
risk of all.  To risk is to fight for you, the you that dares to dream.
You have the formula RELEASE (no expectations) ... INVEST (no excuses)
... STAND (no complaining) .. . KIND (no beating yourself up) ...

RISK

The Fearless Path 251 @?"  I F -k @@

FEAR BUSTER EXERCISE:

To get yourself ready to take risks, list all the situations in your
life that you would like to change.

Name the top three risk-producing situations in your life.  What makes
them risky?

What part of those situations do you have control of?

What do you have no control of?

Brainstorm-that means no judging what you come up with-a minimum of ten
things you could do to change a situation that you have some area of
control over.  This is a good time to ask a Fearbuster Team member for
brainstorming support.

Brainstorm a minimum of ten ideas you could do to change a situation
that you think you have no control over.

What factors contribute to the difference between the areas you can
control and what you can't control?  Money?  Authority?  Rules?
Relationship?  Family?

Accept the areas that you have no control over and find ways to empower
yourself.  Reread the sections on intentions and letting go.  Write a
minimum of three Acknowledgments regarding this area to put some power
behind you.  Remember, when we focus on why we don't have control, we
are squandering our precious resources called our energy, creativity,
and time.

Pick one of the ten actions in the area where you have some control and
do that action within the next three days.  If you have always wanted
to play the flute, call the music store and find out how much it costs
to rent a flute.  If you are lonely and between relationships, join any
group of people with like-minded interests-volunteers who clean

252 *-"k FEARLESS LIVING up the city's parks, weekend backpackers, the
community theater, a chapter of Parents Without Partners.  If you are
stuck in the wrong career, open a savings account earmarked for giving
you the cushion you'll need to make a change.  Risks are often taken
one step at a time.  The result is just as good as if they are taken at
the edge of a chasm in a giant leap, as sometimes happens in an
emergency.

Pick one of the ten actions in the area you have no control over and
perform that action within the next twenty-four hours.  Don't think
about it, evaluate it, or debate it.  just do it.  If property taxes
have recently gone up and you've been downsized, call a realtor and get
an estimate on how much the house is worth.  If diabetes runs in the
family and you've just found out you have it, call the American
Diabetes Association and ask for a referral to a diabetes educator and
a support group.  If you're worried about what the weather will be like
the day of your garden wedding, rent a rain location as a backup.

When we take some movement in an area where we feel powerless, we come
to find that we are more powerful than we had previously realized.

The Uncomfortable Zone The actions you take when you're working through
the Fearbuster Exercise just described will definitely go a long way
toward helping you master your fear and encouraging you to risk.  As
the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Do the thing you fear, and the
death of fear is certain."  He was right, of course, in that when you
do the thing you fear, the unknown becomes known.  However, the process
is far from instantaneous.  The transition period between what you were
and what you are becoming is fear-producing in and of itself.  I call
it the Uncomfortable Zone.  For many of us it feels as though we don't
even

recognize ourselves.  It's almost like we don't know who we are
anymore.  We want to shout, "Will the real me please stand up?"  That
is normal.  What is actually happening during this transition is that
you are redefining who you are and refining your actions, behaviors,
and thoughts.  Surrendering who we thought we were for who we are meant
to be can get a little scary.  The Wheel of Fear will almost certainly
be triggered.  Don't let it stop you.  It stopped me far too many
times.  To help you stay master of your fear, I'm going to share with
you what I have found to be the three stages risk takers typically go
through:

Stage 1) Believing the Messages of the Past When you risk, past fears
will come up.

"You're a loser, remember?"  you might say to yourself.

"Why open yourself up for getting hurt?  You're better off not taking
any chances.  You don't want to make a fool of yourself, do you? Trying
to make your mark just isn't worth it.  You'll end up licking your
wounds.  Don't you remember the last time you went out on a date and he
never asked you out after that?  And what about when you started that
side business?  It was a disaster.  Anyway, really, is life so bad
right now?  Why rock the boat?"

Marta's message from the past was crystal clear.

"Remember the time when you were twenty and that famous agent said your
singing voice was nothing special?  Well, it isn't."  That stopped her
career from moving forward then.  It would have brought her new venture
to a halt as well, yet through our coaching she knew that the message
from the past was just the Wheel of Fear warning her of potential
danger.  This time, she chose risk instead of safety Do not believe
messages from the past.  When you do, you are courting fear.  You may
be able to manage your fear but you'll never master it.  As we learned
in Chapter 2, there's a big difference.  Managing your fear is a
temporary solution to a permanent problem, like putting a lid on a
pressure cooker that's sure to blow sooner or later.  Mastering your
fear means accepting it, owning it, and making it work for you instead
of against you.  The

254 *Q,k FEARLESS LIVING irony is that when you're on your way to
freedom, your fear will be more potent than it's ever been.  That
should be no surprise.  Your fear is trying to stop you from whatever
you are doing that is risky.  That is no reason to turn back.  Because
don't forget fear is an affirmation of your growth.  If you keep going,
your fear will eventually lose its power to hinder you and become a
force that propels you forward.  I promise you that.

Stage 2) Feeling Like a Phony When you attempt something new, you may
get a sense that you're not the "real thing."  You want to be a
novelist, but when you start spending evenings sketching out your plot
and characters, you chide yourself for even trying.  Joyce Carol Oates
is a novelist.  John Grisham is a novelist.  Toni Morrison is a
novelist.  They are the genuine articles.  You are a phony.  This,
needless to say, does nothing for your creativity or self-esteem or
productivity.

Ginger, a client of mine, is a case in point.  She came to me because
although she was doing fairly well at selling Mary Kay cosmetics, she
was unable to push herself to the next level and begin to recruit
salespeople who would help her expand her business.

"My neighbor hosted a skin-care class to kick off my sales when I
started out about nine months ago," Ginger said.

"It was a big success and I got some steady customers.  After that, I
was really encouraged.  I had some flyers made up right away.  I got a
lot more customers as a result, and word of mouth has done the rest.  I
have surpassed my personal sales goal.  But I just can t bring myself
to call other people and pose as this big sales trainer.  I feel like
I'd be putting one over on them.  Everything I know I learned on the
job, and I've only been doing this for a matter of months.  Who am I to
pass myself off as an expert?"

I worked with Ginger for several weeks.  I pointed out to her that she
had been working with the end in mind and judging her experience based
on quantity of time rather than quality of performance.  We discussed
expectations and identified her

The Fearless Path z 255 Wheel of Fear.  She was still hesitant and
still not thoroughly convinced that the Fearless Living program was
going to work for her.  As I always do when that happens-and it happens
more often than not-I instructed Ginger to ignore her feelings and
simply take a risk based on her commitments.  We picked a very simple,
concrete first move: she was going to call someone nonthreatening and
talk about the joy and success she has experienced since becoming a
Mary Kay consultant.  This was in alignment with her Wheel of Freedom's
proactive behaviors.  Ginger chose the neighbor who had thrown the Mary
Kay class.

She came back the next week and said, "Well, I did what you said, and
to my surprise, my neighbor was so thrilled for me she ended up asking
how I had gotten involved.  I told her I wanted to do something where I
could grow and expand as a person as well as help other women.  She
shared that that was her dream as well.  Based on what you and I had
talked about, I knew this was an opportunity to take a risk.  I
explained I was presently looking for additional consultants.  She was
so excited.  We scheduled an appointment to talk more this weekend. But
to be honest, I still felt a little like an impostor.  Even while I was
on the phone and she was so excited, I was thinking, "You can't teach
her anything."

" I told Ginger that she was in good company.  Most people feel the
same way at that juncture in theiriourney to freedom.  I congratulated
her for her small act of courage and encouraged her to go on from there
no matter how she felt or what she thought.

When the sense of being a fake comes up for you, I want you to do the
same.  When you are feeling like a phony, fear is trying to keep you
where you are, safe and sound.  Without the understanding that your
Wheel of Fear is spinning, you may believe that your intuition is
warning you not to take this chance.  Remember, though, intuition never
disempowers you.  Feeling like a phonym-or worse, a liar-definitely
disempowers you.  You may want to give up this new you and go back to
what is familiar.  You'll find yourself thinking, "Who do you think you
are?  ... This isn't you.... You can't do this.... The timing is off!"
But

256 *4,$Z FEARLESS LIVING when will the timing be right?  Remember
Marta?  She stalled because everything wasn't perfect.  She believed
that if she could just get everything right, then nobody could call her
a fake.  Yet, trying to control all the events won't make you feel less
of a fake.  The fear of being found out is your accumulated conditioned
beliefs and thought patterns telling you that you are a phony.

And there is no right time to begin expressing more of your essential
nature.  Still, fear can trick you into thinking there is one.  just
wait a little while longer and then you can begin to date, go to
college, or change jobs.  Yet you and I both know that never happens.
After that first phone call to her neighbor, Ginger pushed herself past
her fear by focusing on RISK and her proactive Wheel of Freedom action
list.  Pretty soon, with four very productive members of her sales team
looking to her for support and guidance, she got over her initial sense
that she was phony.

"I'm very good at what I do.  I see that now," she told me.

"Nothing can stop me!  I'm going for that Mary Kay pink Cadillac.  And
you know, even if I don't get one, I'll still feel great.  I'm growing
as a person, love this line of work, and I'm proud of my team.  That's
what really counts!"

Stage 3) Feeling Lost Confusion.  A sense of being disoriented.  The
inability to make a decision.  All of the above may happen to you when
you're taking a risk.  There is a kind of dizziness, an emotional
vertigo, that goes along with being en route to a reality that is
foreign to you.  You aren't sure if you are upside down or right side
up.  Hang in there.  It's just another way the Wheel of Fear uses to
alert you that you are approaching the edge of your comfort zone.  In
fact, it is precisely when you've lost the certainty of who you are
that you can actively choose who to be.

Soon enough, you'll get your bearings again.  Listen to Brent, a client
of mine who had been groomed from childhood for the day he would take
over the family business.

"My father is a brilliant guy, a real powerhouse," Brent told me.

"Dad started his import-export company when he was still

in his twenties and he's made a fortune.  I'm the firstborn son, and I
was expected to follow in his footsteps.  He used to take me to the
office when I was little kid and give that somedaythiswill-all-be-yours
speech.  Being the heir apparent seemed like a piece of cake, but
within my first week of working for him after college, I realized his
dream was not my dream.  Yet how could I tell him?

"I mean, I didn't know anything else.  I didn't know what I would do if
I didn't do that.  I began to think back about what I loved to do when
I was a kid.  That's when I remembered something I saw on the Discovery
Channel when I was about eight.  It was about mountains and rivers and
I was all excited.  And I realized that all my best memories were about
kicking around in the dirt and dreaming of going on expeditions,
climbing mountains and fording rivers.  That was when I figured out I
wanted to make a difference and maybe help save the environment.  That
was the real me, but what could I do?  I had to keep it to myself.  My
parents would have been devastated if I left.  And my father worked
hard.  I couldn't throw it all away.  He was depending on me."

As Brent and I began to work together, I suggested a small shift in his
downtime.  He could use his weekends as an opportunity to volunteer for
organizations that did just what he dreamt about doing.  As he came
back week after week, he said he was beginning to realize he had to
quit his job at his dad's office.  Then Brent was offered a job at one
of the volunteer organizations, so that seemed to be an easy
transition. I coached him on the conversation that he would be having
with his father to break the news.  He was ready or so he thought.

When his father gave him the look of disappointment, Brent hesitated.
He became confused about what was fear and what was freedom.  His
father's expectation had been Brent's reality for so long that he was
lost without it.  Brent says that rather than press on, he almost told
his father he wanted to stay.  Fortunately, he didn't do that.  Before
long, he began to find his own way.

258 $$z FEARLESS LIVING And that happens.  You lose sight of what
feels like freedom and what feels like fear.  They get intermingled and
mixed up.  When you aren't sure which way is up, stop.  Breathe.  Look
over the qualities of your Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom.  Compare
the feelings you are having about the situation with your Wheels.  If
you feel rushed, frantic, or afraid you might miss something if you
don'tiump, that is a sure indication that the Wheel of Fear is in
control.  If you feel a sense of calm excitement, the Wheel of Freedom
is in charge.  It will become easier and easier to know the difference.
Again, remember that this is a process, yet one that you are
integrating permanently into your daily life.

When I last heard from Brent, he was the head of an inventory crew in
the forests of the Pacific Northwest.  To Brent's surprise, his dad is
not holding any grudges and is proud of his trailblazing son.

I @. CISE

4i@ .z FEAR BUSTER EXE RI To help you get through the three stages of
the Uncom or table Zone-believing the messages of the past, feeling
like a phony, and confusion-complete the following exercises: If I
acknowledged myself daily, how would I feel about myself

If I noticed five things a day to be grateful for, how would my life
change?  If I took control of my time rather than allowing it to
control me, what could I achieve?  If I did the exercises as best as I
could, how would my life be different one month from now?  Six months?
A year?

What is one exercise I will complete today?

For five minutes today I will:

The Fearless Path 259 Wk0 I will tell one Fearbuster Team member my
daily and weekly commitments.  If I am unable to fulfill them, I will
take responsibility and renegotiate.  e One year from now I want to say
I am:

e In order to do that, I must: e Look in the mirror and repeat daily,
"I am willing to live fearlessly."

9 The key to living fearlessly for me is:

My Fearless Journey Home I hope you'll do the exercise above, and all
the Fearbuster Exercises, not just once but over and over whenever your
Wheel of Fear is activated.  I do exactly that, and I know it works.  I
have become my own best pupil.  I have worked through every exercise of
my Fearless Living program, and I continue faithfully to read my
Intention Statement as well as write my five Gratitudes and five
Acknowledgments a day.  I keep my Life Log.  My laminated card is well
worn.  I use the RISK formula as shorthand when fear threatens to
destroy the moment and prevent me from moving forward.  As a result, I
am true to my essential nature and I feel whole.  joy fills my soul and
bubbles up at the most unexpected times.  It happens without warning.
This sudden urge to smile and be thankful for all that I have and all
that I've been willing to embrace is something that I didn't think I
could ever attain.  When my parents died, I thought any capacity I had
for joy had been cut off.  Yet, I kept being willing to be wrong.  I
kept looking for something that would tell me there was more.  I found
it in the Fearless Living program.

The day I knew for certain that my life had been completely changed was
my twentieth high school reunion.  I was going back to my little
hometown in northern Michigan.  By then I had been a successful coach
and speaker for several years.  My

tapes, videos, and workbooks were selling briskly.  In Los Angeles,
where I had made my home since young adulthood and on the road giving
seminars and keynotes all over the country, I was a genuine model of
Fearless Living in action.  Not that I never felt fear.  We all feel
fear all our lives.  Yet I was masterful at knowing my fear and turning
it into a force for freedom.

But nothing had prepared me for the experience of facing my fear in the
very environment where it had first been bred.  When I sent in my check
to the reunion committee, all I thought about was how exciting it would
be to see everyone and let them know I had turned out all right after
all.  In fact, I had decided that I would give one of my Fearless
Living seminars in a local motel.  I had rented a room and sent press
kits to the area radio stations, the lone TV station, and The Daily
Mining Gazette.  I was eagerly looking forward to sharing my
revolutionary program with the people who had known me when I was a
fearful young girl unable to cope in the aftermath of tragedy.

But as I drove the rental car from the airport and saw on either side
of the road the familiar stately pines of the place where I had spent
my girlhood, my fear completely overcame me.  I was a loser.  I was
worthless.  Nothing I had to say in the seminar would make any sense.
They would laugh me out of town.  I was in a cold sweat.  By the time I
pulled into the parking lot of the motel, I thought that my fear had
gotten the better of me once and for all.  Then I sat there calmly for
a moment.

"RISK, Rhonda, RISK," I said to myself.

"R"-release attachment to outcome, no expectations.  So what if no one
came to the seminar except my uncle David and my uncle Evald, who had
agreed to help me set up chairs?  Maybe the two of them would get
something out of my message.  So what if people did come, and they were
just a bunch of my parents' friends who wanted to see what the crazy
little suicidal orphan was like now that she was living out in Los
Angeles and purporting to know what she was talking about?  Maybe one
or two of them would buy videos and change their lives.  I took out my
Intention Statement and read it aloud.  Then I went on to "I"-invest
fully in

The Fearless Path 261 W%_ your intention.  I wasn't giving the seminar
to show off.  I wasn't trying to prove I was better than my classmates.
I wasn't attempting to impress the town with my accomplishments.  I was
giving the seminar because I believed in my message with all my heart
and wanted to share it in my hometown just as I share it elsewhere.  As
for "S"-stand for the truth-I listed five Gratitudes that centered me
in my essential nature, chief among them "I am grateful today for the
opportunity to share my Fearless Living program with others."  Finally,
10-keep kindness a priority.  I consciously stopped beating myself up. 
When my brain began to form a thought such as "You were an idiot to
expose yourself to this situation in the first place," I reframed it
into "I acknowledge myself for taking the risk of ridicule because I
believe in the value of what I have to share."

Uncle Evald set up the chairs.  Uncle David arranged the tapes and
videos and workbooks on a table.  The two of them were silent.  But
then, neither one of them had much to say to me except to make jokes
about me that amounted to thinly veiled put-downs.  So the silence was
better than criticism.  The clock ticked away.  Finally, it was time to
unlock the door.  We had forty seats ready.  I figured maybe ten people
would show up.

As the door swung open, I have never been so stunned in my entire life.
There was a line down the hall and clear around the motel swimming
pool.  I recognized a few faces, but there were also plenty of
strangers who turned out to be tourists from Detroit and Chicago in
town on their way to a lake resort.  The forty seats filled up fast.
The motel staff frantically began setting up the maximum amount of
chairs, bringing the total to sixty five  Another ten people were happy
to stand in the back of the room just to have a chance to hear me.
Buoyed by the enthusiasm I felt from my audience and emboldened by a
quick inner checklist of RISK, I gave one of the best presentations of
my life.  When it was over, people bought all of the books and tapes I
had brought with me, placed orders for more, and came up to me to thank
me and get my autograph.

Tammy, the high school friend who had sung I Honestly

Love You" with me at my mother's funeral when we were fourteen years
old, was one of the last to approach me.  We hugged and cried happy
tears.

"I'm the manager of a temp agency in Atlanta, Georgia," she said.

"We have annual national conferences.  You absolutely have to come and
speak this year.  The people in my business all need Fearless Living.
In fact, everyone does.  You are proof of what this program can do."

And then my uncle Evald, who had busied himself folding the chairs
while the room emptied out, came over to me.  He cleared his throat.
Then he broke into a rare grin and gave me one the greatest compliments
and strongest acknowledgments I've ever received in my life: "You did
good, kid."  Uncle David nodded in agreement.  I was, for once,
speechless.  But the tears of gratitude that welled up in my eyes said
it all.

That night, I danced at my high school reunion.  The old, fearful
Rhonda was gone.  Fearless Rhonda swayed and swirled and laughed and
loved and felt loved in a celebration of a life transformed.

Fearless Vision Imagine that it is one year from today.  You have been
faithfully giving yourself credit through Acknowledgments.  Gratitudes
have become so effortless that they form in your mind all day long, not
just when you're sitting there with a paper and pen trying to think
them up.  You have embodied your Intention Statement and it has become
a way of life.  The Life Log has given you more time for the things you
desire to accomplish and the power to see that your life is truly up to
you.  As you look oveer the past year, those Fearbuster Exercises have
become an archive that allows you to see your shifts and changes in
black and white.  Claiming them has become easier and so has owning
your essential nature.  Wholeness is your primary state of being now.

You have given up being co dependent blaming others, get

Ling caught in gossip, taking things personally, giving your power
away, minimizing yourself, turning down compliments, letting
opportunities slip by, wasting time, being resentful, bitter, or angry.
You have let go of trying to be perfect and controlling everything
around you.  You have concrete evidence of these changes through your
daily homework.  Congratulations!

Your Wheel of Fear has become nothing more than a way to let you know
you are becoming more of who you are meant to be.  The proactive
behaviors on your Wheel of Freedom are easy and natural, while the
self-affirming behaviors have become second nature.  You are no longer
caught up in the world of what 41 should be," but rather the power of
choice is in your hands.  You have embraced compassionate
accountability by learning how to give yourself (and others) a break
yet, never let yourself (or others) off the hook.  You understand what
it means to invest fully in everything yet attach to nothing.  It's
exciting to realize how differently you feel about yourself in just a
year.  When you look in the mirror, you see someone that you are glad
to know.  You are home.

This is the truth.  This is what happens when Fearless Living isn'tjust
a theory but a way of life.  As you begin to invest in your life, your
purpose becomes clearer and passion is present whether you are reading
a book or cooking dinner or making love.  I want you to take a moment
and think about what a year from now could look like in regard to work,
play, relationships, family every aspect of your life.  How would your
life be different from the way it is today if you lived fearlessly? The
difference may not be accomplishments.  It may be something as
revolutionary as daily peace of mind or an ability to be compassionate
with yourself or to forgive the unforgivable.

I believe with my whole heart that if I can be where I am today
compared to where I have been, you can fulfill your potential by living
in your essential nature.  All I used to think about was how I either
didn't want to live or didn't deserve to live.  Now, those thoughts are
the farthest things from my mind.

I am alive and I want to live a long time.  Fearless Living has made
all the difference.

Fearless Beginnings The Fearless Living program is more than just happy
endings.  It's also about fearless beginnings.  It's about savoring the
thrill of a challenge instead of shrinking from it.  It's about
curiosity and creativity without fear of ridicule or reprisals.  It's
about having the courage to explore, to change, to grow.  It's about
turning life's inevitable losses into gains.  It's about living every
moment instead of wasting time getting ready to live.  It's about the
joy of the journey instead of about striving to reach a goal.

When you become fearless, fear turns into your guidance system.  It
shows you when you are risking or when you are playing it safe.  That
is the real purpose of fear.  Fear is an affirmation of your growth
because it proves that you are risking.  You have learned to use fear
instead of allowing it to use you.  Now, though, instead of cowering
and changing your mind about the risk, you experience fear as power,
passion, and purpose.  Fear propels you forward again and again as you
take the risks that keep you free.

Think of Meredith, Kara, and Doug.  What about Connie, Ginger, Frank?
And don't forget Jennifer, Wayne, and Marta.

There are thousands more.  If they can do it, one exercise at a time,
you can too.

May you tap into the truth of who you are.  And may you be awake to the
wonder of living fearlessly, without excuses and without regrets, all
the days of your life.

This is your life.  Do the work.  You can do this.

GRATITUDES

Today, I am grateful for:

Sondra Forsyth, for being undaunted under extremely challenging
deadlines.  As my collaborator, she stayed true to the simplicity of
Fearless Living.  Using her writing expertise to make my words sing,
Sondra captured the vision and nurtured it until it glowed.  Her
belief, support and caring are gifts beyond measure.

Linda Sivertsen, whose enthusiasm for Fearless Living gave life to my
proposal, making this book a reality.

Elly Sidel, agent extraordinaire.  Elly has walked beside me through
every step of this process.  As my number-one career Powerful Partner,
she takes care of the details, which allows me to stay focused on the
big picture.  Elly is indispensable as an agent and friend.

Brian Tart, editor in chief of Dutton Books.  Brian instantly
understood my passion for this work and embraced the vision,
brilliantly keeping the book on course through rewrite after rewrite.
Brian has been there for me above and beyond the call of duty, as a
gentleman, mentor, and friend.

Jennifer Repo, editor of Perigee Books.  Her determination to bring the
Fearless Living program into book form was instrumental in moving it
from dream to reality.

Lisa Johnson, Kathleen Schmidt, Erin Sinesky, Robert Kempe, and the
rest of the PR and marketing team at Dutton, for taking Fearless Living
into their hearts and committing time and resources to getting the word
out.

Kara Howland for handling innumerable details each day with grace and
ease.

To the entire staff at Dutton for your caring support.  You have made
this process effortless.

And of course, Carole Baron, president of Dutton, for her stamp of
approval.  I am grateful for your trust and blessed to be part of your
publishing family.

To my foreign editors: Thank you for diving in.  Your faith in this
project makes me speechless.  Rowena Webb, editor of Hodder Headline
UK, for her enthusiastic support.  Lisa Highton, publishing director of
Hodder Headline Australia, for taking the Fearless Living message Down
Under.

To Aline Akelis, my foreign rights agent, whose authentic commitment to
bring the book Fearless Living to the world makes every foreign reader
possible.

To My Wise Council.  I can't thank you enough for your wisdom and
enduring contributions: Dr.  Rev.  Michael Beckwith, Breck Costin,
Barbara Duetsch, Richard Golden, Warren Hogan, Paul Roth, Rev.  Joan
Steadman, Rev.  Coco Stewart, Marianne Williamson, and Lou Paget,
author of How to Be a Great Lover, for earnestly sharing her invaluable
publishing expertise with this novice writer.

To My Voices of Experience.  For their loving guidance, creativity, and
expertise in support: Jenna De Angeles Michele Cohn, Debbie Leaper,
Dave Morton, Sarah Reeves-Victory, Dr.  Mark Stein, Vicki Sullivan, and
Gary Tharler.

To My Support Team.  Whether they read various versions of Fearless
Living or patiently loved me during this process or actively pushed me
to higher heights, this support team deserves an A+:

Gratitudes W:44- 267 Anni and Bert Atkinson, Suze Baez, Bonnie
Barnard, Debbie Bermont, Greg Cortopassi, Stephanie Davis, Kathryn
Fadness, Kandace Forseca, Sam Khoury, Doug Knoll, Terry Oxford, David
Powell, Mark Sansoucy, Sandra Silvey, Steve Sisneros, Ras and Tina
Smith, Kaiopa Stage, Kim Terranova, andjodi Walker.

To My Wild Women's Writing Support Group, who have truly held me up
through the creation of this book.  I am filled with gratitude for
their cheerleading, writing expertise, commitment and love.  Carol
Allen, author of Adventures of a Hollywood Dog Walker, Chellie
Campbell, author of Financial Stress Reduction, Linda Sivertsen, author
of Lives Charmed, and Victoria LovelandCoen, author of Itty-Bitty Baby
Bonding Book and Manifesting Your Desires.

Deep abiding gratitude to Minda Burr, Stephanie Hagen, and Nancy Hardin
who put many things into motion.

A special thank you goes to Alexandra Reichler and her two fab
roommates, Amy and Laura, for the generous hospitality of opening up
their New York home to me.  And Bill and Wendy Ostlund for the same in
St.  Paul, plus double thank you to Wendy for her meticulous detail
while reading early versions of Fearless Living.

To My Powerful Partners: Thank you for your continued support, passion,
and focus.  Greg Cortopassi, president of TeamWorks; Grant Doyle,
president of GetSpeakers.com; Gary Good and Cathy Story of Gary Good
Speakers Bureau; Lori Otelsberg, president of Signature Entertainment;
Craig Robinson and David Naishtut, principals of Discovery Concepts;
Laura Rubinstein of LBR and Associates and my dedicated marketing
director, Susan Guzzetta.

Heartfelt gratitude for Ann Ben-Porat and Joe Decker for being the
first coaches trained through the Fearless Living Institute.  Their
endless dedication and caring for the people and the program are
priceless.

Unending gratitude for my assistant, Jennifer Brynes, for keeping me in
stitches, taking care of my stuff and truly loving this work.

In my lost years, I received signposts and moments of synchronicity on
my path.  At the time, I had no idea of the impact they would have on
the rest of my life.  Yet, as I look back in gratitude, the following
people were there just at the right time to give a loving push, a
caring hand, or wise advice that would eventually help me find my
purpose.  I am extremely grateful to finally have the honor of publicly
thanking you:

Sharon Eckholin Hill, for being present whenever my sisters and I
needed an adult to guide us through a challenge or celebrate a success.
Joe Benni, my high school counselor, for seeing past my Badge of Fear
and encouraging me to shine.  Bob Caton for opening my eyes to my
creativity.  Bob Cooper for loaning me Living in the Light, by Shakti
Gawain.  Bill Gamble for suggesting sobriety.  Maria Gobetti for waking
me up when she asked, "Why do you work so hard to push people away from
you?"  Samantha, my DUI counselor whose last name is long lost, for her
guidance, wisdom, and handing me the book Father Loss.  Coworkers at
Tony Roma's for repeatedly telling me I was funny.  Laura Clear for
inviting me to hear Marianne Williamson.  Mark Chaet for introducing me
to coaching.  Gil Christner for giving me my first paid writing job

Lisa Ferguson Lessa.  As my first client, she stepped up to the plate
when I needed someone to take a chance on me.  She was tireless in her
thirst for change and willing to do the work necessary.  Lisa brought
Fearless Living out of the one-on-one coaching arena.  Her enthusiasm
and love for the work was the impetus for me to do my first public
workshop.  Thank you, Lisa, for continually telling me that Fearless
Living has changed your life.  You have changed mine.

To Marta and my sisters, Cindy and Linda.  There are no words to truly
describe my gratitude for my best friend, Marta Weiskopf.  She has
nurtured my transformation as if she were a guardian angel assigned to
guide me back to my self.  She has shared my pains, helped heal my
wounds and awakened me to my truth.  I am thankful for her willingness
to walk this path with me.  Thank you for being my best friend.  In

fact, major gratitude goes to her husband, Kreigh, for enduring my
late-night phone calls and frequent lunch dates with his wife that
turned into marathon coaching sessions.  He is a man among men and his
relationship with Marta inspires me.  Thank you for being in my life!

My older sister, Cindy, has been willing to tell the truth, face her
own fears and share her secrets with me.  Our intimate connection and
our laugh-filled shopping trips are memories I cherish.  For her
greeting cards that always appear at the perfect moment, her wonderful
cheerleading chants and her open door policy.  I know I always have a
home with her family, Dean, Jason, Deena, and Adam.  Thank you for
seeing past my mistakes and allowing me to change before your eyes. You
are a true Powerful Partner.

My younger sister, Linda, was given more love than the rest of us
growing up and she has generously showered me with that abundance
during my life.  Her genuine enthusiasm for Fearless Living and her
endless support have been invaluable.  She takes my bookmarks to her
craft shows, tells her fellow teachers about the book, and is clearly
proud of her older sister.  And her family, Joel, Rachel, and Zachary,
always make room for me at holiday dinners giving me another home away
from home.  Thank you, Linda, for accepting me exactly as I am and
supporting my dreams.

To my parents: Thank you for the opportunity to be your daughter.  Our
destinies merged on june 15, 1975, and Fearless Living was born that
day.  It just took me a while to understand my part.  Because of you, I
have learned how to forgive, love, and accept who I am.  Thank you for
all you gave me while you were alive and for watching over me since
your passing.  I can truly say I love you without doubt, hesitation, or
restriction.  Thank you for loving me the best way you knew how.  I
miss you.

And lastly, I want to thank anyone who has ever heard me speak,
listened to my tapes, read one of my books, e-mailed a thought or
question, attended a workshop, or come to me for private coaching. This
book is for you.  It was your genuine

270 *1"'z Gratitudes interest and desire to know more about living
fearlessly that drove me to write this book.  Without you, there would
be no Fearless Living.  Thank you for your willingness to do the work
and for trusting me with your heart.  I have no words to express the
joy I feel when I see you shine from the inside out.  Your courage
touches my soul daily.  Your light inspires me.  Thank you.

We Want to Hear From You ... How has Fearless Living changed, helped,
or altered you?  What qualities or behaviors have you incorporated into
your daily living?  How has Fearless Living affected your work or home
life?  What have you accomplished that had previously been out of
reach?  Tell us about you!

We want to hear how Fearless Living has affected you and your life. How
are you choosing to live more fearlessly each and every day? Please
send your success story (typed or neatly handwritten) along with your
name, phone number, e-mail (if available), address, city, state, and
zip.

Thank you for sharing your success stories with us.  Please send your
story to:

Fearless Living Success Story P.O. Box 261775, Encino, CA 91426
Fearless Living Institute Private Coach?  Fearless Living Workshops?
Corporate Training?  Become a Coach?

If you would like to work with your own private coach or attend a
Fearless Living Workshop, the Fearless Living Institute can help.  We
can tell you about the latest classes available as well as connect you
with our list of pre-approved coaches.

If you are looking for new career opportunities for yourself as a coach
or trainer, the Fearless Living Institute has programs that will suit
your needs.  Attend our extensive and in-depth coaching program and you
will become a certified Fearless Living Coach.  If you prefer to work
in a group setting or in the corporate environment, becoming a Fearless
Living Corporate Trainer may be the perfect fit.  For the latest
information:

Visit our Web site at http://www.FearlessLiving.or and click on
Institute Or request information: Fearless Living Institute, P.O. Box
261775 Encino, CA 91426

Rhonda Britten If you would like Rhonda to speak at your next
corporate meeting, association conference, or public event, please
visit Rhonda's Web site at hjW: //www.RhondaBrittensom Or contact the
Fearless Living office at: 818-907-8959 Be sure to check out the list
of topics available including: Fearless Leadership, Fearless Selling,
The Language of Fearless Living, and Creating Accountability: The
Fearless Approach to Empowering Your Employees.

Thank you for your support and enthusiasm.

Be Fearless!