The ADDed Dimension
by
Kate Kelly, Peggy Ramundo and D.  Steven Ledingham

Scribner Books

Copyright 1997

ISBN 0-684-83224-0

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Of course, a book is never written by just one person, or even
three.  There are usually a host of other people behind the
scenes, supporting the authors with the tasks involved in book
production, such as editing, proofreading, and typesetting.  And
those are just a few of the many things on the to-do list as a
book develops from the "I've got a great idea" stage to the
finished product.

Aside from the concrete tasks, there are other, less
tangible forms of support.  As authors, we are grateful to the
many people who patiently listened to us as we struggled with the
writing process: the sometimes endless laments about deadlines,
writer's block, computer crashes, and the frustrations of
everyday life refusing to go away until the project is done.  We
also appreciate the contributions of those who listened to
half-baked ideas and provided feedback on rough drafts.

We wish to wholeheartedly thank the following people for
their help and participation in this project: Tracy Wright went
above and beyond the call of duty, providing editorial assistance
and compiling and formatting the first manuscript.  Thanks also
to Jody Rein, our literary agent, and her assistant Diana Lorang,
for both moral support and careful editing.  Maria Guarneschelli,
Scott Moyers, and Jennifer Chen, our editing team at Scribner,
have been endlessly patient and supportive, especially when we
needed an extension on the deadline.  Phyllis Heller, publicist
for both this book and You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!,
has been a tireless cheerleader, lifting our spirits with her
absolute belief in us and our mission to get the word out to
other ADDers.

And those are just the "official" helpers.  Many others
volunteered their time and talents to the cause.  Kate's mother,
Barbara Kelly, provided a listening ear, editorial help, and some
"mothering" when needed.  Kate's mother-in-law, Gladys Pentz, and
Gladys's sister Sandy Noel reviewed the manuscript for
readability.  Thanks also to Mary Jane Johnson, Suzanne Belluardo
Cobb, Dorinda Dercar, Don Lambert, Bunny Hensley, Carol Webb, and
Wendy Richardson for their support and feedback.

Last, but not least, we wish to thank our families, the ones
we live with, for putting up with us for the duration.  We know it
is hard to live with us during the not-so-much-fun parts of
writing a book.  Thanks to Doug Pentz and Rob Ramundo, spouses of
Kate and Peggy respectively, for moral support, some feedback,
and even an idea or two.  Our children - Kate's daughter, Tyrell;
Peggy's son, Jeremy, and daughter, Alison; and Steven's stepson,
Brendan - all had to "hold that thought" or otherwise delay
gratification during many long work sessions.  We thank them and
appreciate their patience.

If we have left anyone out of this list, and we probably
have, please let us assure you that it is a function of faulty
memory and not a lack of appreciation.

PREFACE

Dear Reader,

When we wrote our first book, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid
or Crazy?!, we were convinced that ADD was more than just a
disability.  Sure, the problems of ADD are real, creating much
pain and suffering for both the ADDer and for those close to him
or her.  The difficulties cannot be denied, but they are by no
means the whole story of the ADD experience.  Our final chapter,
entitled "From Obstacle to Opportunity," was a testimony to our
point of view.  We firmly believe that ADD brings certain
ADDvantages with it alongside the disadvantages.  Not only that,
but the disadvantages have their positive sides as well.

We can't speak for everyone, but we do know that our
respective life lessons have been invaluable experiences, learned
in the school of hard knocks.  Having a disability meant that we
needed to develop quite an impressive array of coping tricks to
get through our days and to work around our problems.  It also
made it impossible to take ourselves too seriously, because many
of the situations created by ADD are too bizarre to do anything
with except to laugh at them and at ourselves.

When you have ADD, the daily struggle exercises the muscles
of your mind, and more importantly, those of your heart as well.

You can't help but develop a sense of empathy for others with
difficult paths, whatever their specific problem may be.  The
world of ADD support groups, conferences, and electronic bulletin
boards is filled with examples of people going beyond their
narrow concerns to reach out to others in need.  It is a
testimony to the human spirit that they are able to do so, even
as they wrestle with the often serious problems in their own
lives.

The interactions, however, are far from being deadly
serious, most of the time.  As ADDers, we use our gift for humor
to lift the spirits of those around us.  Our wonderful, wacky
senses of humor, moreover, are just the beginning of a long list
of the positive qualities we possess.  We are creative,
imaginative, sensitive, and energetic, to name just a few of our
attributes.

Even those things that we are not particularly proud of have
a plus side.  Impulsivity, for example, can get you into major
trouble at the same time as it gives the oomph to take the risks
necessary for personal growth.  All human traits have the
potential to be both destructive and life enhancing.

This book is a celebration of the ADD experience.  We offer
advice on ways to modify the more extreme ADD qualities, but we
don't presume to make judgments about the desirability of any of
our suggestions.  We want you to come away with an appreciation
for yourself and the quirky qualities that make you unique, to
value your differences and forgive your past mistakes, for they
are just part of the learning process, after all.

During the writing of this book, we invited a third person
to contribute a number of the entries, and we would like to
introduce him to you.  Steven Ledingham is an ADD adult who, like
ourselves, is a pioneer in the uncharted territory of this
relatively newly recognized disorder in adults.  Steven was the
founder of one of the earliest support groups for ADD adults,
ASK-Adults Seeking Knowledge about ADD - in Dayton, Ohio.  This
group was not only one of the charter groups, it was also one of
the best organized and most successful.  Steven is also the author
of two ADD-related books: The ASK Guide to ADD Self-Help Groups
and Scoutmaster's Guide to ADD.  In addition to his writing
activities, Steven is employed as an ADD coach, with clients from
as far away as New Zealand!  He is also a nationally recognized
speaker on ADD issues, presenting workshops for employers and
educators, and training support group leaders from around the
country.  In his spare time, this busy person surfs the Internet,
gathering ADD resources and information and maintaining a Web
site.  We are pleased to include Steven's unique point of view
and his rich and varied background in this book.

And now, we invite you to browse through the pages of this
book.  We do mean browse.  When we wrote the first book, we were
careful to break it up into bite-size chunks, knowing that ADDers
aren't overly fond of reading large, text-intensive books.  This
time we made the book even more user friendly, with a page-at-atime format.  You can read it backward, you can read it forward,
or you can start anywhere in the middle.  Don't think of this
book as a heavy assignment to be completed in a certain way, by a
certain deadline.  Simply enjoy.

Yours, Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo

CONTENTS

Foreword ...  15

1.  Excess Baggage - The Shoulds: Blame, Shame, Guilt, and
Other Useless Emotions ...  19

2.  Coping with Differences ...  43

3.  Emotional Roller Coaster ...  65

4.  From Chaos to Balance ...  93

5.  Relationships and Communication ...  111

6.  Work, Work, Work, Work ...  143

7.  Organizing Time and Space ...  161

8.  Learning and Memory ...  185

9.  Stress ...  213

10.  ADD: A Disorder or an ADDed Dimension?  ...  235

Resources for Adults with ADD ...  255

FOREWORD

In August 1994, I was traveling through one of the most
remote regions of central India, sharing an ancient train
compartment with an Indian physician and two Indian businessmen.

Since we had twelve hours together and it was in the middle of
monsoon season, there wasn't much to do but talk.

"Have you ever heard of Attention Deficit Disorder?" I
asked.

They gave me a blank look and said they hadn't.  Even the
physician was baffled: It was something he hadn't encountered in
medical school, or perhaps had forgotten about in his years of
treating cholera, leprosy, malaria, and the other serious and
often epidemic diseases that plague India.

So I described to them the life of a typical adult with ADD
as I perceived it: the disorganization, the constant change, the
job-hopping and often fleeting relationships, the attraction to
independence and entrepreneurialism, the distrust of institutions
and bureaucracies, both corporate, political, and religious.  As
I talked, they all nodded their heads: They knew such
individuals.

"What do you call people like this?" I finally asked.

"We call them old souls," the physician said.  "We have
great respect for such persons." They told me that in Hinduism's
scenario of reincarnation, as people move from lifetime to
lifetime toward the ultimate goal of God realization, they often
die with "unfinished business." When such a person finally is
getting close to their last few lifetimes, close to
enlightenment, they often must engage in a search-and-find
mission to touch and resolve all those people and situations that
represent little threads and leftover bits from previous lives.

And behaviors characteristic of that mission, according to these
men, are what Western medicine calls a "disorder." One of the
businessmen laughed and shook his head.  "You have very strange
ways of seeing people," he said.  "To mistake an old soul for a
sick person.  This is truly odd."

Odd, indeed.  You are holding in your hands a book for old
souls, written by old souls.  Authors Kate Kelly, Peggy Ramundo,
and Steven Ledingham are sensitive, insightful, caring, and
"diagnosable" people, with extraordinary compassion and
understanding for the special skills, insights, and challenges of
adults with ADD.  And so it would only be natural that they would
write a book that answers the perpetual battle cry of the
self-aware ADD adult: "What's next?"

What's next, of course, are celebration and selfrealization.  The ADDed Dimension is a celebration of life, the
human condition, and all those odd quirks that cause ADD people
to recognize one another instantly even in a crowd and know that
we're all members of the same tribe.  And in that recognition is
powerful self-realization.  If this book affects you as it did
me, you'll giggle and smile and cry and laugh out loud.  Over and
over again, it threw me back through my life into lessons
learned, pains survived, and joys relived.  Celebration and selfrealization: In this book they are the essence of healing and
living.  They are the essence of survival and growth.  They are
the essence of spiritual awakening and regeneration.  They are
the essence of Kate, Peggy, and Steven, come to think of it.

Enjoy.  Thom Hartmann Atlanta, 1996

CHAPTER 1
Excess Baggage The Shoulds: Blame, Shame, Guilt, and Other
Useless Emotions

We pick up a lot of excess negative baggage growing up with
ADD as our constant companion.  Some of the problems we struggle
with are a direct result of our biological differences.  Many of
our difficulties, however, are compounded by the experience of
living our lives with a hidden disability.  We don't know why we
act as we do, and the people who observe our struggles haven't a
clue either.  It is in the nature of the human animal to come up
with theories and quasi-explanations for phenomena we can't
understand or control.  In ancient Greece, for example, the gods
were the culprits for just about everything people didn't like.

It was a nifty system.  All you had to do was please the gods,
through sacrifice, or good behavior, and they would stop ruining
your crops with floods and sending lightning bolts in your
direction.

Of course, in our greater scientific wisdom, we know better
now.  At least we don't actually believe that there is a
stern-faced God up there, physically tossing bolts of thunder at
misbehaving humans.  But we still have false beliefs, based on
made-up and untested explanations for things that puzzle us.  ADD
is one of those brain teasers.  We are just beginning to ask the
questions and do the research that will lead to a better
understanding of this complex disorder.

Of course, human nature being what it is, the lack of real
information hasn't stopped people from voicing untested theories
about ADD, theories that morph into axioms with enough
repetition.  You have no doubt heard many of the educated guesses
that are presented as gospel truth.  "ADD is a problem with
motivation - if you would just try harder ..." and "You can do it
when you want to" are a couple of myths that come to mind.

As ADDers, after a lifetime of hearing and absorbing these
myths, we start to believe them ourselves.  Not totally, because
these "words of wisdom" don't quite jibe with our life
experience.  But on some level, we internalize this, and begin to
feel that the problems are all our fault and that we could fix
them if we worked hard enough.

We suffer from an enormous amount of self-blame, guilt, and
shame as a result of false beliefs.  Getting rid of these
crippling emotions, however, is not an instant process.  It is
not just a matter of telling the people who spout the myths of
ADD to take a powder.  We need to search our own souls and
examine the beliefs we have absorbed from our culture, looking at
them in the light of new information.

*****

"If it isn't the sheriff it's the finance company.  I've got
more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner." -John Barrymore

We hate to generalize about such a large group of people,
but we would venture to guess that most of us hate to be tied
down too much.  Of course, it is impossible not to pick up some
baggage along the way, but we believe that we are more sensitive
to things that pull or clutch at us than the average person.  So,
some of us go from one limited relationship to another, or avoid
relationships altogether.  Others job-hop, or try out a million
hobbies without really mastering any one of them.  We fear being
dragged down by the weight of someone else's expectations or
becoming trapped in a dead-end situation.  But the result of
merely skimming the surface can be an empty and unfulfilled life.

A Way Around It - Do continue to monitor the attachments in
your life.  But realize that it is not really a numerical
problem, but one of quality control.  Sort through your
commitments to get some sense of your priorities, and then
jettison some in order to do justice to the ones that remain.
Remember, however, that it is possible to travel too lightly.

*****

"Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply
quit in disgust." -Don Herold

And many of us do.  First, we discover that ADD has been
causing us a lifetime of problems.  Then we obsessively educate
ourselves about it, finally presenting ourselves to doctors for
help.  More often than not, we have to convince them that ADD is
real and that we have it, and then we have to educate them about
its treatment.  This is not easy, considering the role and status
doctors have traditionally held in society.  Many do not accept a
patient's knowledge and experience when it conflicts with their
own "expert" opinion.  Their medical training probably did not
include a course on "new" and "weird" diseases, and how to help
and learn from the people who have them.  And so we go around and
around, looking for a physician with enough humility, patience,
and time to work with us as partners in treatment.

A Way Around It - Be persistent.  There are doctors out
there who have emerged from medical school relatively open to
their patients' input.  If you can't find help where you live, go
to the Internet for resources and referrals.  There are a number
of ADD Web sites available, as welt as the many discussion groups
available to ADD adults.  And don't rule out going out of state
for help.  (See the resources section on page 255.)

*****

"Consistency is a paste jewel that only cheap men cherish."

-William Allen White

When did we start worshiping the god of regularity,
uniformity, and predictability?  Having some of these qualities,
some of the time, is a good thing.  We all need to be able to
count on a certain amount of familiarity in our daily lives.
Otherwise, our psyches would disintegrate in the chaos.  But a
perfectly ordered life is not necessarily to be admired or
emulated.  True, the terminally constipated don't make messes,
but they often don't produce much of value either.  Creating
works of art, inventing new products, and finding new ways of
doing things all require the ability to tolerate mess and
uncertainty.

A Way Around It - Build enough structure into your life to
form a support system for your psyche.  You will have those days,
after all, when you need to get out of bed but you just don't
feel inspired.  That's when you can fall back on you r routine to
keep going.  At the same time, team to overlook the disorder that
is always present when one is creative and determined to live
life to the fullest.

*****

"I flounced down the stairs, confident that I looked dropdead gorgeous in my new outfit and that the party I had arranged
to entertain my husband's business associates was going
swimmingly.  And then I noticed the looks of horror on the faces
of the guests.  Somehow, I had managed to tuck my dress neatly
into my panty hose on a trip to the bathroom." -Andrea Little,
ADDult

This contribution is from an ADD friend whom we originally
met on-line on Prodigy.  Andrea never did get used to corporate
entertaining.  She was and is more comfortable in T-shirts, jeans,
and sweats, like many of us.  Part of it is the discomfort of the
clothes themselves.  Kids with ADD often refuse to wear certain
clothes because they "don't feel good." The fabric or the seams
are irritating to those whose sense of touch is ultra-sensitive.
And we have talked to ADD adults who wear their underwear inside
out because the seams bother them so much.  Another problem is
that it takes so much time and effort to organize all those
killer outfits.  The makeup, the hair, color and accessory
organization.  As if we didn't have enough details to take care
of.  Is maintaining a certain visual image all that important?

A Way Around It - Evaluate your options.  Do you really have
to wear clothes that feel uncomfortable and alien to you?  Perhaps
you could do your entertaining in a less formal way if that feels
like a better fit.  Have a barbecue or picnic instead of that
formal party.  Put together a wardrobe that is comfortable and
versatile.  Simple, washable separates in neutral colors can be
dressed up or down and take you comfortably to a variety of
settings.  Men can often get away with a turtleneck or
open-collared shirt under a sport coat for dressy occasions.

*****

"Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for
themselves how wonderful you are." -Anonymous

This one is so hard for ADDers.  Many of us come across as
boasters and braggarts - not because we are grandiose by nature,
but because we feel so invisible.  We are so used to being
dismissed and ignored that we fear we will disappear altogether
if we don't shout loud enough to get someone's attention.  So we
dance around, waving our arms frantically, and practically stand
on our heads to flag other people down.  But, alas, it always
backfires.  At first they look, then they laugh, if we are lucky.

Finally, though, their gaze turns away in boredom or disgust, and
we are worse off than before.  Invisible fools.

A Way Around It - Try taking your act off the road for a
while.  Spend some time in quiet meditation, giving yourself the
affirmations you require.  Then practice listening to others.
They only want the same thing you do - attention.  You'll be
surprised how showing interest in them will draw them to you like
magnets.

*****

"I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk."

-Anonymous

Is there anyone among us who has not uttered something
similar?  We can (and often do) have IQs in the stratosphere and
yet still miss the most obvious and mundane pieces of everyday
life.  We can't give directions to save our lives, we forget our
own phone numbers, and we put the paper upside-down in the copier
every time.  For example, I was thirty-five years old and a
graduate student before I teamed how to use the library (I'm not
kidding!).  To make matters worse almost every time we get stuck
at Walk and Don't Walk, there's some "normal" person trying to
play traffic cop, trying to force us to understand or remember
something we can't.  It just doesn't compute.  We feel "stupid"
and "helpless" and full of silent rage, because we know dam well
that we don't deserve those labels.

A Way Around it - Abilities and disabilities in memory and
attention are not the measure of someone's worth.  As much as
possible, we should seek out and surround ourselves with people
who understand this.  K.K.

*****

"I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice,
though not in principle." -Jane Austen

And so have many of us, though we didn't always know why.
We've wondered how we could be so bad-tempered or ungiving.  A
secret shame burns inside.  The shame of knowing your actions
don't always live up to your values.  A voice inside scolds: "You
are sensitive - you know all too well the power of a careless
word.  So how could you have just hurled off that hurtful remark
to someone else?" And what about all those sins of omission: the
kind words left unspoken, the refusal to help, the seemingly
callous indifference to someone's pain?  Ah!  but we now know that
there is a perfectly good explanation for our inexplicable and
seemingly inexcusable behavior.  ADD is the real culprit.

A Way Around It - Have you accepted the reality of your ADD
yet?  if not, take time to grieve, moving from denial to
acceptance.  Get busy educating yourself about your unique ADD
differences and their impact on your life.  Perhaps most
important, live in the present.  It is tempting to revisit past
inappropriate behavior - either blaming yourself or excusing
yourself (as in, "Not Guilty - I plead ADD").  Neither is
helpful.  Instead, focus on your actions at this moment.  You
have no control over the past.

*****

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I
don't deserve that either." -Jack Benny

We carry so much baggage and so many labels everywhere we
go.  We get so used to thinking of ourselves as lazy
underachievers that we don't recognize our real accomplishments.
Even when a chorus of people enthusiastically draws attention to
our achievements, we think or say, "It must be a fluke, a lucky
accident"; or, "If I managed to do that it must have been easy anybody could have done it." Our self-esteem is often fragile
from years of criticism, initially from others and subsequently
from ourselves.  And it's a long road to rebuilding a sense of
self.  A first step could be to follow Jack Benny's example and
say to ourselves, "I'm not convinced that I really earned that
praise or that promotion, but I didn't deserve to struggle with
ADD either." There!  The account is balanced.  We don't have to
feet guilty anymore.  Further along in our growth, when we are
stronger, we will be able to bask in our accomplishments without
qualification.  We will be able to simply say thank you when
praise comes our way.

A Way Around It - If you feel that your performance in life
doesn't justify the rewards that have come your way, ask yourself
this question: Have I ever been recognized and compensated for
the effort and struggle that accompanied each small step along
the way?  Probably not.  So you see, it all evens out over time.

*****

"Only the mediocre are always at their best." -Jean
Giraudoux

No one can accuse us of being well-rounded, middle-ofthe-road, or boring.  Our style runs from flashes of brilliance,
of insight, to those ADD days when all the circuits are jammed
and the operator is permanently out to lunch.  On those "bad
brain" days, it may help to remember that our minds are
different, not better or worse, but more uneven and tricky than
the minds of other folks.  But these so-called normal individuals
don't tend to set the world on fire, while we often have creative
bursts of energy that work miracles when we are able to harness
and use our gifts.  The choice is not ours; we are what we are.
But if you could choose, which would it be?  For ourselves, we
know we would rather struggle with quirky minds than give up our
creative powers.

A Way Around It - Give yourself permission to stop
worshiping the god of normalcy, of the even-keeled and eventempered.  Celebrate your ability to produce what you can when
you can, and try to laugh off the bad days.

*****

"I was born in 1939.  The other big event of that year was
the outbreak of the Second World War, but for the moment that did
not affect me." -Clive James

A baby is forgiven for this sort of obliviousness.  After
all, it is an infant's job to be self-absorbed.  As an adult,
though, it is embarrassing to realize that major world events
refuse to penetrate your foggy ADD consciousness.  For example,
in the summer of 1969, at least two things happened that had a
major impact on our society.  I didn't have a clue about either
of them.  And who knows how many other earth-shaking things flew
right by my fuzzy brain.  I don't know.  I am still playing
catch-up.

The two events I am talking about were Woodstock and the
first walk on the moon.  I only heard about Woodstock because
someone on a plane asked me if I had been there.  I was wearing a
dashiki that barely covered my behind, so I suppose it was
natural for an observer to conclude that I was a card-carrying
member of the Woodstock generation.  In fact, it took months for
me to figure out what he was talking about.  I would have missed
the moon walk altogether if the director of a theater company
was performing with had not called a break.  He told us that we
could take fifteen minutes to witness a historical moment, and
then led us to a TV set to watch the action.  I confess that I
was glad for the break, and enjoyed watching the show, but it
seemed very unreal and irrelevant to my life at the time.

A Way Around It - When you realize how much you missed in
those pre-diagnosis days, the awareness can be overwhelming.  It
may help to view life before diagnosis as a kind of infancy.  You
couldn't help but be self-absorbed, any more than a baby can.  So
now we can expand our horizons a bit, slowly playing catch-up.
But as with all types of change, take it a day at a time and a
step at a time.  K.K.

*****

"It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no
one would tell me where it was." -Rita Rudner

Or maybe it wasn't really a deliberate plot to withhold
vital information.  As ADDers, we have all had the experience of
missing important chunks of data while our brains were otherwise
occupied.  We daydream in a meeting and later find out we didn't
hear a critical piece of information related to our pet project.
In social situations we tune in and out; half of the conversation
fails to register in our brains.

As a result, we say dopey things that seem to come out of
left field.  The others in the group don't say anything to us
when we miss a beat, they just give us blank looks and change the
subject.  And the worst part is that we often don't know what we
missed.  How can we search for information about an event or
happening when we don't have a clue it even exists?  When we
experience this frustration on a regular basis, it is natural to
be paranoid, to conclude that "somebody" out there just doesn't
want you to be included.

A Way Around It - When you encounter this scenario, remind
yourself that it isn't personal.  Make a point of asking for a
schedule or specific information about important events for any
group you are connected with.  Then promptly write the
information down, preferably on a calendar.  If you miss a big
event anyway, let it go.  What else can you do after the fact?

Any other response only aggravates you and prolongs your negative
feelings toward yourself and others.

*****

"I'll go through life either first class or third, but never
in second." -Noel Coward

This boom-or-bust mentality is a familiar one when you have
ADD.  That indomitable inner drive is programmed to go for the
gold, to focus on getting first prize.  Nothing else will do.
Except that we all too often land on our behinds, coming in dead
last, or close to it.  Why does this happen so often?  It's
usually because our reach has exceeded our grasp of the basic
skills we needed.  On the other hand, when we perform well, we can
really go overboard, putting all of our eggs into that one basket
and ignoring other aspects of our lives.  This single-minded
approach to life is not our friend.  It impairs our health,
relationships, and sense of inner peace.

A Way Around It - Allow yourself to be in the middle of the
pack in certain areas of your life.  Take that intermediate class
rather than the advanced one that's a bit too challenging.  It
can actually be quite cozy in that mid-range.  You don't
experience the humiliation of being at the bottom, but you don't
have to kill yourself trying to stay on top, either.

*****

"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day." -Anonymous

Even on the worst ADD days, if we really put our minds to
it, we can usually find at least one thing that we did right.
Or, if we didn't exactly get anything quite right, perhaps we
came closer to the mark than usual.  The problem with finding
that small speck of wheat among all the chaff is the
discouragement that crops up to cloud our thinking.  I've had
more than my share of days when everything I touch seems to turn
into mud, or something worse.  That old Midas touch, only in
reverse.  My boss and my spouse send out hostile rays of
irritation, my son balks at every turn, and even my trusty
computer is unfaithful, refusing to respond to my attempts to
make it run the way I want it to.  Even so, when I am able to step
back and review the day objectively, I can usually find a few
small instances where I was able to make some progress, or make a
difference in someone else's life.  A friend calls with a problem
and I am able to give moral support, or I find that I have
finished some pesky task that I have been putting off, such as
paying bills.  Not earthshaking accomplishments, but little
things that help keep my self-esteem afloat.

A Way Around It - When you encounter those "dog days,"
temporarily lower your expectations for yourself and your life.
Put your dreams and ideals aside for the moment, and concentrate
on the stuff of everyday life.  Give yourself a round of applause
for each mundane task you accomplish, and for each small act of
human kindness.  Also, don't neglect your need for extra support
at those times.  If you are in the doghouse with everyone in your
household, call a friend for that pat on the back.  D.S.L.

*****

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting.  I just blame
the bat and if it keeps up I change bats....  After all, if I know
it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at
myself?" -Yogi Berra

The golfer or tennis player or other athlete who blames his
or her equipment for poor performance makes for good joke
material.  They deserve to be laughed at when they make public
spectacles of themselves with their childish temper tantrums.  We
can see right through those defense mechanisms, and we label them
poor sports.  But is it always bad to dissociate oneself from
one's mistakes and failures?  Truly, excessive self-blame does
nothing to improve performance.  And blaming others does nothing
but expand the circle of misery.  Why not pass the buck to an
inanimate object?  Even if it is only partially true or really
quite a stretch.  That club or tennis racket doesn't have
feelings and it won't talk back to us.

A Way Around It - By all means, indulge in a bit of
hostility toward your sports equipment once in a while.  Call it
nasty names and tell it how much it let you down.  But do this in
private, unless you want to evoke laughter from the crowd.  And
don't get carried away buying the latest and greatest sports
gear, thinking that it will make you an instant star.

*****

A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built
for." -Grace Hopper

For much of my life, I suffered from a painful lack of
self-confidence and poor self-esteem.  By the time I was six or
seven, I'd already figured out that I was a loser but was damned
if I'd let anybody else know it.  I couldn't dare reveal my dark
secret by being me, so I decided to be somebody else.  Somebody
who was clever and cute.  Somebody the other children would like.

Somebody who was worth something....  It was the perfect solution.

I became a terrific actress, a chameleon taking on whatever
identity a particular situation called for.  With friends, I was
the entertainer, amusing my audience with quick quips and
practical jokes.  With teachers, I was the responsible,
dependable student - a demanding role that I pulled off with the
help of trusting educators who accepted my imaginative excuses
for unfinished assignments.  Later, with my educator colleagues,
I was the leader, the chairperson of committees, the school
social director, the ideal "principal's pet." And through it all,
I felt like a fraud: competent, confident, and smiling on the
outside, but worthless, frightened, and crying on the inside.

When I was diagnosed with ADD nearly ten years ago, there
was another big part of me to hide.  Not only was I still a
loser, now I was a loser with ADD!  Of course, this secret
couldn't be kept for long.  My husband told his sister, and as
they say, the cat was out of the bag.

What initially felt like a betrayal became the catalyst for
major, positive change.  Perhaps the most important discovery was
that I'd been clinically depressed throughout my life: I wasn't a
worthless being; I only thought I was because the chemicals in my
brain had been playing hardball with me.  And I never even knew
it.

A Way Around It - Are you hiding, afraid to reveal "all your
warts"?  If so, consider how wonderful it would feel to stop
pretending.  Start by learning everything you can about ADD and
about your unique strengths and weaknesses.  And then begin the
process of revealing your true self by disclosing your ADD to a
trusted friend.  Gradually enlarge the circle of people with whom
you are sharing your self.  Take it slowly, one small revelation
at a time, as your security and growing sense of self-worth
allows.  -P.R.

*****

"There was no need to do any housework at all.  After the
first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse." Quentin Crisp

This might be a good mantra to repeat when you find yourself
becoming overwhelmed by the general messiness of your life - in
work, relationships, and a dysregulated self, in addition to the
more obvious, concrete house keeping problems.  This almost
crushing feeling comes in waves, each new piece of awareness
giving you a clearer picture of the debris.  Alas, the pattern
seems to come with the territory as we traverse the long road of
ADD recovery.

Blessedly, before diagnosis, the mental fuzziness prevented
us from the full impact of our disorganization.  Even with
treatment, there is no way we can tackle the clutter all at once,
as in one giant spree of spring housecleaning.  Instead, we, and
the people we live with, need to find a way to survive the
disarray as we work to clean it up.

A Way Around It - Take it a step at a time and a day at a
time.  Turn a blind eye to the problems that are not solvable, or
at least on a given day or during a certain period of time.  A
good rule of thumb is to focus on your goals for the day, trying
to keep them simple and manageable.  Of course, those goals
should be made with the big picture in mind, and then broken down
into doable chunks.

*****

"In the face of an obstacle which is impossible to overcome
stubbornness is stupid." -Simone de Beauvoir

"Wait a minute!" you say.  "Haven't I spent a lifetime being
called lazy, stupid, or crazy?!" That litany of accusations seems
to sum up the life experience of so many of us.  No matter how
many times significant people in our lives shook their fingers at
us, exhorting us to try harder, we didn't.  It wasn't that we
would not; rather, it was because we could not.  It appeared to
others that we kept failing because we seemed to give up whenever
the effort was more than we were willing to expend.

Nobody knew the real story, of course, including ourselves.

The "insufficient effort" theory seemed a plausible explanation,
so we bought it.  When we left childhood and adolescence behind,
we were bound and determined that "we'll show them!" We adopted
the cliches we were subjected to: Giving up is giving in; Just do
it; If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  These gems of
wisdom have always been sound advice, right?  Wrong!  Unless you
believe that being pigheaded is an admirable trait.  Think about
it.  Since when has banging your head repeatedly against the same
wall been the mature and responsible thing to do?

A Way Around It - Knowing when to stop spinning your wheels
isn't easy, but it is essential for mental health.  You may not
be able to change the nature of the task you face, but you can
decide to simply "give up" - at least for now.  The break can be
an opportunity to reassess the methods and tools you have chosen
for your task.  This isn't an admission of defeat.  It is a
positive, healthy choice to honor the self.

*****

"Boredom, after all, is a form of criticism." William
Phillips

Maybe it's time to stop feeling like losers because we tend
to tune out at the drop of a hat.  We all have at least one nasty
memory of a teacher's irritated voice and the jeers of classmates
rudely calling us out of a lovely daydream.  But why should we
still feel guilty for preferring our private worlds to the
deadening drone of a teacher cramming a bunch of useless facts
into our unwilling brains?

Our inability to concentrate may just have been a healthy
response to material that was dull and irrelevant.  Or to the use
of methods that did little to stimulate the imagination.
Unfortunately, we didn't leave this particular problem behind
with graduation.  As adults we need to update our skills and
knowledge constantly to keep pace with a rapidly changing world,
and teaching methods still leave a lot to be desired.

A Way Around It - Stop blaming yourself when your mind
wanders during a lecture or conversation.  It may just be a
signal that the instructor or speaker needs to wrap it up or at
least switch gears.  Look around you - the rest of the audience
may be nodding off along with you.

CHAPTER 2
Coping with Differences

Most of the books written about ADD spend a fair amount of
time discussing the differences in the ways our minds work - the
differences between the way we function, neurologically speaking,
and the way the "normal" mind functions.  Not that we have any
idea what the word normal really means, never having made the
acquaintance of anyone who met the textbook criteria of a human
being with a perfectly functioning mind!

Since it would seem that no one has ever actually achieved
that exalted state of mind, whatever it is, maybe we should just
relax and accept the quirky brains we have.  Take a good look at
what we have to work with, and figure out how to make the best of
it.  We were certainly given some odd, and often difficult,
"symptoms" when God passed out the ADD genes.  Much of the time,
the advice given to us as ADDers is focused on how to work around
our "symptoms," or make them go away.  We all know, though, that
they don't seem to go away, no matter how hard we try.  And
working around them all the time is exhausting.

Maybe we have been barking up the wrong tree, so to speak.
Perhaps it isn't a matter of banishing or pushing around our
differences, but of learning to make those differences work for
us.  The first step is to stop making negative judgments about
how we function - now, right at this moment.  The next step is to
tease out the positive aspects of each ADD "symptom." In "Coping
with Differences," we'll try to do just that.

*****

"Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.  I know
better.  The things I worry about don't happen." -Anonymous

As ADD adults we often can, and do, worry about everything.
After all, we have had ample experience with mistakes, chaos, and
life accidents.  We know how easily the best-made plan can take a
sharp left turn, going its own way.  Worry, however, doesn't
really do anything to ward off the unpleasant events destined to
happen in our lives.

The only purpose we can see for worrying is that it allows
us to mentally trick ourselves.  We imagine the worst-case
scenarios, in gory detail.  And then, when we manage to escape
going to debtors' prison or having to defend ourselves in court,
for example, we feel a great sense of relief.  "Thank God!" each
of us says to ourself, "I managed to avoid my personal version of
Hell once again."

In fact, nothing has really changed.  The real-life problems
and situations are still in front of us, but they don't look
quite so overwhelming now.  The problem with relying on this
mental trick is that it is a painful and exhausting process,
leaving one with little energy for actually doing something about
the real-life problems.  And it doesn't leave much room for R and
R either.

A Way Around It - Rather than a helpful mechanism, worry is
a bad habit and one that is hard to break.  It isn't just a
matter of pushing the worry "off" button when you become aware
you're getting caught up in this mental loop.  It may be useful,
however, to ask a trusted friend to assist you in putting some
boundaries on your worrying.  When you are in the grips of a
terrible fantasy about what might happen, call on that friend to
help you ground yourself in reality.  With some objectivity to
balance out your catastrophic thinking and some logic to
illuminate the flaws in your doomsday ill-logic, you will be in a
better frame of mind to act on those events over which you have
control, leaving the impotent thinking behind.

*****

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation."

-Jean Kerr

Sometimes it's not a bad thing at all to be blanketed by a
thick fog.  True, the fuzzy focus of ADD can keep you from
getting a lot accomplished, and it's not fun taking the heat from
others about your "laziness." But there are times when a blurry
picture of life can be downright comforting.  If you can't see
all the problems in your life, you can't be too overwhelmed by
them.  Taking medication, therefore, is a mixed blessing.  We're
relieved to know that it wasn't our fault when we couldn't
function very well before.  But, as the fog lifts and we see our
many problems clearly, we may quickly find ourselves in the
overload and burnout mode.

A Way Around It - Its okay to take a holiday from
medication, for a day or a weekend.  A temporary retreat into the
fog, where the demands of life don't press in quite so hard, can
be a blessing.  Your problems will still be waiting for you when
you get back from your,"holiday," but you may have more strength
with which to deal with them.

*****

"A retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to
forget is the true token of greatness." -Elbert Hubbard

At last!  A positive slant on our leaky memories.  But
seriously, folks, there is an advantage to having - let's call it
a forgiving memory.  It's hard to hold a grudge when you can't
remember what the fight or fight was all about to begin with.
And what a relief it is to find that those embarrassing memories
sometimes fog over pretty quickly.  Much easier to forgive
yourself your own trespasses when you can't clearly remember what
you actually did last night or last week.  You can't go back and
fix it, so what is the point of remembering your less than
stellar moments in excruciating detail.

A Way Around It - As long as you can recall enough about
your detours to continue trying to steer a straight course, don't
sweat the small stuff.  And nobody, including God, ever said that
we should turn the other cheek and keep coming back for more.
You can forgive the sins of others at the same time that you try
to steer clear of those who make a habit of hurting or abusing
you.

*****

"I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes.  I was once run
over by a car being pushed by two guys." Woody Allen

Even though I am a woman, and supposedly exempt from having
to defend my honor physically, I can empathize with Woody on this
one.  Women, as well as men today, are expected to do battle with
words instead of fists.  Though I am a wordsmith, I have never
had good verbal reflexes in the heat of an exchange.  My thoughts
drown in a sea of defensive emotions, and I am left speechless
and humiliated, the victim of my ADD brain under stimulus
overload.  Naturally, the snappy retort comes much later, after
the offending party is long gone.  However, I have come to value
this seeming handicap.  Becoming paralyzed in the midst of a
fight does prevent you from hurling off remarks you could live to
regret.

A Way Around It - Rather than view a tendency to freeze
during conflict as a handicap, look at the advantages.  There is
certainly nothing wrong with taking time to reflect, although we
might wish this were a willed choice and not the crossed wires in
our brains.  Since it isn't, put responses into writing or tape
them if that works better for you.  Either way, you can say
exactly what you mean in an assertive rather than aggressive
manner.  And you can choose whether or not to deliver your
replies.  -K.K.

*****

"Happiness is the sublime moment when you get out of your
corsets at night." -Joyce Grenfell

When you have ADD, it can take you half the night to just
shed all the many corsets you wear during the day.  We girdle
ourselves with image enhancers, socially appropriate behavior,
and heavy-duty impulse control.  We say we do this to ourselves,
but that is only part of the story.  We are taught, almost from
the cradle, that our natural behavior is unacceptable.  By
adulthood, many of our natural responses have been beaten,
cajoled, threatened, and admonished into submission.  True, some
of those responses are better off extinguished, such as
combativeness and self-centeredness.  But, alas, the baby is
often thrown out with the bathwater and we find that our
creative, life-enhancing impulses have been throttled as well.

A Way Around It - Take your corsets out of the drawer and
examine them carefully.  Try them on for fit and comfort.  Take
the whalebones out of the ones that are too stiff and throw away
the ones you don't need anymore.  Better still, go out and buy
some sensuous, silky underwear.

*****

"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility." -James
Thurber

Perhaps this is why so many of us have above-average humor
IQs.  Life with ADD may be many things, but it is rarely orderly.
Chaos is the name of the game.  So we use humor, one of our many
survival skills, to make the proverbial silk purse out of a sow's
ear.  We have learned to turn pain and confusion into a snappy
joke, complete with a punch line.  Of course, this is not always
an instant process.  The pain has to set for a while, while we
work it through and render it less potent.  Then we can arrange
it into the stuff for belly laughs.  With more practice and
experience, we can even begin to laugh, at times, in the moment
itself.  There is some consolation in knowing that we can make
something positive out of all the mess.

A Way Around It - Discover, explore, and develop your gift
of humor.  We all have one, but at times it is buried under the
burdens of life.  In the midst of trouble, try to say, "We'll
laugh about this tomorrow." With continued practice, laughter can
become a delightful reflex.  When humor rises from the depths of
our beings, it can lift the burdens with it.

*****

"Why did I write?  Because I found life unsatisfactory."

-Tennessee Williams

Writing is so satisfying, especially your own story or a
scripted version of it.  You can tell the tale as it really
happened or revise it until it is just right.  Whether or not we
actually jot things down in journals or become practicing
writers, most of us do the same thing in the privacy of our
minds.  Lovely, fanciful tales where we get to be the hero or
heroine.  Or a noble, tragic figure.  This is very healthy and
affirming, as long as we stay grounded in reality and don't allow
ourselves to become consumed by the fantasy.

Sadly, some of us put severe restrictions on our
imaginations.  Perhaps we were chastised severely for daydreaming
as children, or have had our ideas shot down as adults.  It is
hard to shake off the mental restrictions that result from these
cruel experiences.  Whenever you try to let your mind take its
own course, the fear surfaces - the fear that you will be wounded
once again if you let your imagination soar.

A Way Around It - Give yourself permission to let your mind
drift and wander once in a while.  Talk back to any fearful
thoughts or feelings that well up.  Daydreaming is a pleasure
that costs nothing except some time.  Although it is not a good
idea to allow your imagination to take you too far from reality,
a bit of escapism is not a mortal sin.

*****

"Life is like playing the violin in public and learning the
instrument as one goes on." -Samuel Butler

And life with ADD is never quite learning it, never quite
getting it right, because parts of the brain refuse to cooperate.

So we keep practicing, working to learn new skills and to improve
the old partially learned ones.  Unfortunately, we rehearse in
public, in front of an audience that doesn't know about ADD,
because it can't be seen.  And those who do know are often
skeptical, refusing to believe a real problem exists.  ADD isn't
an "explanation" for these folks, it's just an "excuse."

But they don't know how difficult it is to learn to play the
violin, or acquire any skill when one has to work harder and
longer at what comes relatively easily to others.  Not to mention
our feelings of embarrassment and shame as others watch us fumble
and bumble our way to a better performance.  Nevertheless, we are
awed by the determination with which many ADDults approach life.
Though faced with formidable roadblocks, there are still many,
many ADDers who finally manage to achieve brilliantly.

A Way Around It - Your sense of humor and imagination can
work wonders in reducing performance anxiety.  When it's time for
that piano recital, tennis match, or slightly scary social event,
try using the old actor's trick: Pretend your audience (or
opponent or new acquaintance) is stark naked!  Try it now.  Can
you visualize those naked people?  They're not so intimidating
anymore, are they?  Now you can focus on you, putting your heart
and soul into your stage - or life - performance.

*****

"Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in
your brain." -Martin Mull

The same could be said for having ADD!  On the really
difficult days, the noise from within and without is deafening.
And if you add children to the mix, the decibel level can feel
life threatening!  Solitude helps a little, if we can manage to
find some time to ourselves.  At least then we have only the
noise in our heads to contend with, those annoying intrusive
thoughts and ideas.  Some ADDers complain of hearing a constant
buzzing sound in their heads.  It gets much harder when the noise
from our environment is added.  We are sensitive to sound in the
first place.  And it seems that most children are dedicated to the
task of generating as much noise as possible.  ADD kids, of
course, are much more intense an persistent in this task than
others.  If you have ADD, the chances of at least one of your
kids having it are pretty good.  So our home environments often
come close to breaking the sound barrier.

A Way Around It - Survival depends on finding ways to turn
the volume down.  Exercise, meditation, and relaxation techniques
can help you get control over a brain gone haywire.  Don't feel
guilty if you need to get away from it all at times - even from
your children.  Suppose you had a disability that required
physical therapy.  Would you feel like a bad parent when you took
time for your appointments?  Because our handicap is not so
obvious, it can be hard giving ourselves permission to take care
of ourselves.

*****

"I assure everyone who thinks this is 'fun' [taking
stimulant medication], that I will gladly give them all of my
Ritalin if they will take all of my ADD symptoms too." -Milton
Lucius

The above quote was uttered in response to those folks who
question the need for stimulant medication for ADDults.  They say
that we don't really need it, that we just need to pull ourselves
up by our bootstraps that we are just looking for drugs as the
panacea to all of our problems, or even just to "get high." But
we know better.  We know that the decision to take medicine is a
difficult one, usually made with a great deal of psychological
struggle.  We worry that it is a cop-out, that we are just not
working hard enough to solve our own problems.  And we do wonder
if taking pills will be too much of a crutch.  We hate the idea
that we need to take a chemical in order to function as "normal"
people.

Soon enough, after we actually begin drug therapy, we
realize that there is no medical "magic bullet" that will cure
all that ails us.  For some, there is an initial flush of
euphoria, not drug-induced, but at the realization that it is
possible to live life without a constant layer of fog muffling
one's consciousness.  For others there is an acute sense of
disappointment, when the medicine doesn't seem to work as it has
for so many others.  We don't need anyone to tell us that
medication is just a helper, one that assists us in our own
efforts to recover.

A Way Around It - Don't let the naysayers get you down.
They have no idea of how hard you are working.  They probably
will not "get it" until it touches their own lives in a personal
way.  Keep in mind that no one should have to live with as much
pain and struggle as we do without help.

*****

Whenever possible our goal should be to 'march to a
different drummer, but stay on the same parade ground."" Anonymous

We know that we are different.  Our uniqueness is a source
of pain as well as pride.  At times we suffer greatly because we
fail to conform to the behavioral expectations of those around
us.  We become lonely and isolated, wishing that we could fit in
enough to feel a sense of connection with the rest of the world.
We feel like aliens from another planet, dropped here for some
diabolical and unknown purpose.

On the flip side, at ADD conferences we receive an infusion
of belonging, a rush of positive feelings as we celebrate our
common gifts of creativity, humor, enthusiasm, and youthfulness.
We sigh in relief and think, "At last, we have found a crowd that
accepts us just the way we are, disorganization and all."

But then we have to go home.  We find that the conferences
and support group meetings are only brief oasis in our
stress-filled lives.  The rest of the time is generally spent
with people who don't understand and reject us when our ADD
traits surface too much.  So we're always needing to monitor and
change our behavior with these folks in order to maintain a
connection and a sense of belonging.

A Way Around It - Try to find a balance between stifling
your unique self and "letting it all hang out." As a general rule
of thumb, oddities are okay, but rudeness and lack of
consideration are not.  So when you see a look of disapproval,
back off and try another approach.  If nothing else, you will
have gained more practice in the area of social skills.

*****

"There is something wrong with a man if he does not want to
break the Ten Commandments." -G.  K.  Chesterton

What we are talking about here is impulses.  We all have
them and God must have had something in mind when he created us
with the darn things.  Who knows why?  Perhaps to be the
underpinnings of the life force, the spark that keeps the whole
thing going.  If we had no impulses at all we would never do
anything, we would just stay comfortably stuck in our familiar
ruts.

The trick is to learn how to be the master of the inner
impulse, rather than its slave.  We are all familiar with the
general impulse to break rules.  It doesn't really matter all
what the rules are, nobody wants to follow all of them the time.
Not blindly, anyway.  And it is a good thing that we usually
don't.  Societies that become overly concerned with maintaining
the social order often choke off their own growth.  They
eventually succumb to chaos, as people reach the boiling point
and throw off the oppressive forces.

A Way Around It - It is important to find a balancing point
between letting your impulses rule your life and clamping down
too hard on them.  No one can tell you exactly how to do this as
it is an individual matter, requiring much thought and a lot of
trial and error.  But do try to honor your impulses even as you
struggle to gain some control over them.

*****

"The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in
operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success." Robert Benchley

And some of us can't even master the pencil sharpener.  On
those more intense ADD days, I used to think that all ADD folks
were mechanical idiots.  With my limited understanding of a
complex disorder, I would blame my abysmal performance on ADD.
In truth, I am just not very talented at dealing with machines
and equipment.  You could call me mechanically challenged, as a
matter of fact.  The ADD certainly doesn't help, as it hinders my
ability to endure the endless repetition that, as a slow learner,
I need.  But it is not the core problem, just another layer of
frustration that I have to wade through.

A Way Around It - Recognize that ADD rarely travels alone.
Most people have specific learning abilities and disabilities
that help or hinder their progress in life.  Help for Your ADD
can remove or improve one obstacle, but there will still be much
remedial learning ahead.  -K.  K.

*****

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very
well." -Joe Ancis

We know that everyone has skeletons in the closet.  But we
don't actually get to see them most of the time.  And without
much direct evidence to the contrary, it's easy to buy into the
facades that people present to the world.  They seem to have
happy marriages, perfect kids, and to be so much more successful
than we are.  God forbid they should bite their nails or pick
their noses or something.  And we are sure that those others
would cringe in horror if they actually witnessed the incredible
disorder in our lives.  Of course, we know intellectually that
they have faults because they are human.  But we don't always
understand that emotionally.  So, having a zoom-lens view of our
own flaws, and an incomplete picture of others' foibles, we often
assume that we are inferior or abnormal.

A Way Around It - Keep your eyes and ears open, and really
pay attention to what others are doing and saying - not to find
fault for the purpose of one-upmanship, but to gain a more
multidimensional view of other people.  Most likely, you will soon
notice that they're not in any better shape than you are, and in
some cases, a lot worse off.

*****

"I think I can - I think I can - I think I can - I think I
can - I think I can-" -The Little Engine That Could

This wonderful, uplifting little children's book belongs on
every bookshelf.  It is a simple story with a profound message:
Self-validation and positive thinking can empower us to overcome
even seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

Despite inexperience and an engine ill equipped to pull a
long train of railroad cars up a steep mountain, the Little
Engine accomplished the impossible by thinking that he could.  He
made the decision to go for it, focusing on the task rather than
on himself and his self-doubts.

In real life, of course, the ending isn't always happy.  We
can't expect to land a job with a salary of a million dollars a
year simply by thinking we can!  But within the context of
realistic expectations and possibilities, ultimate success is far
more likely when we choose to empower ourselves through
self-acceptance and a can-do attitude.

A Way Around It - The Power of Positive Thinking is more
than an overused cliche!  We all have the memory of past successes
to draw on when we need to access this powerful tool.  Use those
memories to create a personal visualization of chugging up the
hill to your goal.

*****

"It doesn't matter how slowly you go so long as you do not
stop." -Confucius

Many of you are probably scratching your heads over this
one.  "What in God's name are they talking about?" you wonder
"What does slow have to do with ADD?" Well, we know that
hyperactivity is not necessarily the ticket of admission for an
ADD diagnosis.  And even if you happen to be one of the
supersonic ones, does going at warp speed really get you
anywhere?  Or do you find yourself retracing your steps painfully
learning and relearning the lessons that you only skimmed the
first time around (or the second or third ...)?  Our speediness is
generally only an illusion that lulls us into thinking we are
actually going someplace.  With treatment and the awakening that
follows, we become aware of how much we missed while living at
that hectic pace.

A Way Around It - Sooner or later something will slow you
down, whether you want to or not.  You will need to reevaluate
your lifestyle for health reasons, or because you can't keep all
those balls in the air anymore.  When you are able to accept a
less frantic pace, you may discover that your accomplishments are
equal to or even exceed those of the past.

*****

"He shouldered up to the bar, after a month on the wagon,
and ordered a double martini, with the proud announcement, 'I've
conquered by goddamn will power."" -Corey Ford

Although we certainly don't recommend this particular method
of working the first step of the famous twelve-step philosophy,
it is true that you have to admit your powerlessness before you
can deal with an addiction.  As ADDers, we are vulnerable to all
the problems people go to twelve-step groups for.  Our
dysregulated brains predispose us to struggles with substance
abuse, eating disorders, out-of-control gambling, spending, and
sex addictions.  And many of us are used to dealing with our
problems by exercising an almost inhuman level of self-control.

When you grow up into adulthood without help for your ADD,
you have to exercise the muscles of the will constantly, just to
get through the day.  Those folks who accuse us of being
spineless wonders who just need to buckle down don't get it at
all.  For so many of us, the task is not to apply more willpower,
but to learn how to let go when a problem is too overwhelming to
solve on our own.

A Way Around It - Letting go does not mean that you stick
your head in the sand and order that double martini, max out your
credit cards on a spree, or indulge in other self-destructive
behaviors related to your impulse-control problems.  It does mean
that you recognize that you can't go it alone or gain control of
your behavior overnight.  Start with a visit to a twelve-step
group that deals with your particular problem.  If you struggle
with more than one of these problems, start with a single one,
the one that seems to give you the most angst at the moment.  The
skills you can learn in a twelve-step group can be used to deal
with a variety of life's problems.

CHAPTER 3
Emotional Roller Coaster

Emotionally, life with ADD is filled with ups and downs,
sudden hairpin turns, and scary dips into unknown black tunnels.

The good news is that all this action keeps us from dying of
boredom.  The bad news, of course, is that life on an emotional
roller coaster is exhausting, and the excitement rarely
compensates for all the stress we are subjected to.

Now, for the most part, this book is about the positive
aspects of ADD, and there is an up side to our often dramatic
emotional styles.  You know that you're alive when you have
feelings, no matter how difficult they may be to manage at times.

Imagine your feeling patterns plotted out on a piece of graph
paper, like the tracings of heart action on a cardiac monitor.
When the pattern on an EKG machine, for example, is erratic, it
means that the heart is beating too wildly to do its job
properly.  On the other hand, a totally flat reading means that
something must be done to jump-start that heart, or the patient
will die.

Feelings, those pesky things, are as vital to life as the
mechanical action of your heart.  They give our lives depth and
meaning.  Without them we are just like robots, going through the
motions but disengaged from ourselves and others.  The goal is to
keep feelings under enough control without choking the life out
of them.

When you have ADD, it is all too easy to fall into unhealthy
ways of dealing with emotions.  Born with temperamental emotional
thermostats, our feelings can seem to be scary and unmanageable
demons that we have to stuff down inside so they don't get out of
hand.  When we sit on them too much, however, they just get
bigger, and they always get their revenge, expressing themselves
in inappropriate ways.

In this section, we offer some thoughts and advice on how to
whittle your feelings down to a manageable human size, so that
you can experience them as the life-enhancing emotions they were
meant to be.  Not by over controlling them, but by expressing
them in ways that have a positive outcome for both yourself and
those around you.

*****

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've
always gotten." -Anonymous

It's taken me a long time to figure out that nothing ever
changes as long as one continues doing everything the way it has
always been done.  When something wasn't working, I believed that
the issue was not what I was doing, but that I wasn't doing it
hard enough.  I didn't notice that the harder I tried, the more
opposition I encountered.  This often happens to ADDers because we
tend to lock on to a problem and then lose our ability to see the
big picture, including alternative approaches or solutions.

An example of a useless pattern I needed to change was
something I call raging.  When I ask my son to do a household
chore he often gives me the run-around, as adolescents are prone
to do.  He gives me a million reasons for not doing it, or not
doing it right away.  He points out all of my imperfections and
generally pushes my hottest buttons.

My usual response was to get sucked in, to engage in a
verbal battle with my son until I was so enraged I couldn't think
straight.  Then I would start putting him down.  With the
increased awareness my ADD diagnosis gave me, I was able to step
back and realize what a useless and destructive response my
raging was.  I have learned to take a deep breath, walk out of
the room if need be, and approach my son when I am calmer.

A Way Around It - In a better frame of mind, I am able to
listen to my son without reacting angrily.  I simply repeat the
request in a neutral tone of voice, without responding to his
fighting words.  This is in contrast to my old style of locking
into battle, trying to get the kid to listen and comply by sheer
force.  In general, when you find yourself going around in
circles in an interchange, back off and give it a rest.  -D.  S.  L.

*****

"We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it
has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality." -Albert
Einstein

Most of the ADDults we know are highly intelligent people.

Often, our "smarts" have been the only thing keeping us out of
major trouble.  We use our intellects to fast-talk ourselves out
of a jam or to figure out how to deal with some mess we have
made.  So, we come to rely heavily on our brainpower as we
maneuver through life.  It has been our best friend in so many
situations.  Still, one of the big challenges for us is to resist
trying to think our way through all situations.  Logical thinking
is only one component needed to deal with life's problems, When
our intellect is totally in charge at all times we become
machinelike, cut off from our emotions.  We might as well be
machines, for all the fun we are having.  Our personalities
become lifeless, stripped of everything that makes them
interesting.  We render ourselves stupid, in the way that
computers are stupid.  Computers can crunch data like mad, but
they aren't very good when it comes to solving human social
problems.  They simply lack social and emotional intelligence,
qualities more important to a life well lived than raw
brainpower.

A Way Around It - Examine your typical coping style.  Is
there much more head than heart in the equation?  If so, you need
to rehabilitate the feeling side of your nature.  Begin by trying
to identify your feelings as you experience them.  This is not an
easy task, especially if you have been stuffing them for much of
your life.  Group or individual psychotherapy can help you if you
get stuck, or don't know where to begin.

*****

"He who conquers his anger has conquered an enemy." German
proverb

Problems with anger and rage are quite common in adults with
ADD.  We can become addicted" to anger because it increases the
production of neurotransmitters that are a helpful in coping with
our disability.  In effect, we get small "buzz," similar to what
a cigarette smoker might experience after finishing a smoke or
the high a runner gets when he passes through the "wall."

I find it all too easy to get angry.  It feels as if the
anger is just impatiently waiting inside, desperately looking for
the chance to jump out.  My anger does not discriminate.  It can
explode at anyone, including young children, my friends, my
spouse, or my employer.  The reasons for my rage often seem
pretty lame or silly after the fact.  I have had to work
extremely hard at learning to regulate my anger so that when I
feel it ready to explode, I can do something more constructive
with it.

A Way Around It - When you feel yourself becoming angry at
others, consciously try to inhibit the tendency to lash out at
them.  If you can't control your reactions, get out of the
situation.  Take a break, take a walk, or go pound some inanimate
object.  When you have cooled down sufficiently, think about the
reasons for your anger.  Talk to yourself or write them down whatever works for you.  Before you reapproach that other person
or situation, check to see that you are calm and that the issues
are clear in your own head.  -D.  S.  L.

*****

"A cynic is just a man who found out when he was ten that
there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset." -J.  G.

Cozzens

My mother's been holding a grudge against the gas and
electric company for decades.  It seems that sometime during the
1930s, the company failed to record one of her always timely
payments, instead sending her a not-so-friendly reminder notice.
Cynical of its ability ever to change its ways, she's been
holding a grudge against any and every public utility company
ever since!  Her method of revenge?  She has never once in the
sixty-odd subsequent years mailed a payment prior to the due
date.  She showed 'em!

Silly, isn't it?  Of course, who among us hasn't done
something equally silly and unproductive?  But what about our
responses to the not-so-silly ones, those slights about which we
have every right to feel angry - the thoughtless, hurtful
behavior of an old friend or the betrayal of a colleague who took
credit for your work?  We may cynically burn our relationship
bridges, unwilling to let go of the anger, choosing instead to
carry the excess baggage into our future.

Feeling things as intensely as many of us ADDers do, it's
easy for us to not only hold a grudge, but also to feed it,
adding emotional fuel to the fire.  We feed off our intensifying
feelings of anger and betrayal, creating during the process a
kind of monster that ends up feeding off of us, as we become
consumed by the accompanying frustration and stress.

A Way Around It - If you've been holding on to protracted
anger about an injustice you've experienced, let it go.  The
"rightness" of your position isn't the issue.  The real question
is this: Whom are you hurting most by keeping a long-standing
gruge alive?  Nine times out of ten the answer is: you.  Why?

Because it takes ongoing effort to feed the "grudge monster" and
keep the pain from the past as a part of your life now.  It may
make it easier for you to bury the hatchet if you keep in mind
that doing so is really about giving yourself a gift - freedom
from at least one stressor in your life.  -P.R.

*****

"If you act like an ass don't get insulted if people ride
you." -Yiddish Proverb

Let's face it, we all make fools of ourselves once in a
while.  Our ADD gets out of hand and we get overexcited, or we
miss those social cues and say something that sounds really
stupid.  Our friends tease us about these lapses, trying to send
us a message about our behavior that is softened with humor.
Most of the time it's not such a big deal, but we can make it
into one if we overreact.

No one wants to be around someone who can't admit it when
they have messed up.  The more we try to defend ourselves, the
worse it gets.  Either the ribbing escalates or the friends give
up and go away, sometimes for good.  It is so hard, though, to
own up to those mistakes.  We didn't ask for this ADD, we didn't
cause it, so why do we have to apologize for ourselves so much of
the time?  We don't have the answer to that question, but we do
know that it is easier simply to admit your errors and then move
on.  Defending yourself takes too much time and energy.

A Way Around It - Every so often we will act irresponsibly
or make impulsive choices.  Making the wrong choice once in a
while does not make you a bad person.  Accept that you may have
goofed up and don't automatically get defensive when people
"ride" you about your action.  Once you have been teased about it
three or four times, however, it is okay to say something like,
"I admitted I screwed up, but I'm getting a little tired of this
joking about it.  Let's drop it, I'm ready to move on."

*****

"What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to
keep clean." -Christopher Fry

Maintaining a shiny image is so exhausting.  Of course, we
do need to do some basic grooming on the self we present to the
world.  Displaying all of our warts to anyone who happens to pass
by could scare them as well as ourselves.  As ADDers, though, we
have trouble deciding how much of ourselves to display and what
to conceal.

Being disinhibited means that we have the tendency to spill
our guts to total strangers at the slightest provocation.  Later,
we recoil in embarrassment, worried that the information we have
shared so casually will come back to haunt us.  How could we have
been so careless?  Can we trust this person we barely know?  Or
even more to the point, can we trust ourselves?  In reaction, the
pendulum swings back and we go into hiding, presenting a false
front to the world once again.

A Way Around It - It is a relief to let down your guard and
share your human imperfections with others.  And the more you do
this, the more you discover that everyone's halo is a little bit
tarnished.  But how do you maintain balance in the area of
self-disclosure?  Number one, carefully observe the nonverbal
behavior of the person you are conversing with.  And two, tune in
to your own gut responses.  If you see, feel, or sense discomfort
on either side, back off and switch to a more neutral topic.

*****

"Don't get annoyed if your neighbor plays his hi-fi at two
o'clock in the morning.  Call him at four and tell him how much
you enjoyed it." -Anonymous

Ah!  Sweet revenge for the noise intolerant.  And a good ploy
to remember for dealing with a variety of insults to the psyche.

However, full frontal assault does not generally get us very far
in dealing with insensitive people.  It would probably be more
effective to call your neighbor at a reasonable hour.  And, with
humor, let him know what you were contemplating in the middle of
the night.  For one thing, our anger renders us inarticulate and
we end up looking like fuming fools.  Or we evoke such a strong
defensive reaction that we find ourselves embroiled in an endless
war of strike and retaliation.  Exciting, at times, but
ultimately damaging as we waste precious time in battles that get
more and more childish as they escalate.

A Way Around It - Use humor and good timing rather than
hostility to fight your battles.  If your foe is relaxed and can
laugh as he or she hears your message, you are more likely to
stop a vicious cycle of attack and counter attack before it
starts.

*****

"If they liked you, they didn't applaud - they just let you
live." -Bob Hope

We don't know about you, but that more or less summarizes
our life experiences.  Sweating and working like the devil to
keep your performance up to par, and the only reward much of the
time is mere survival.  Frenetically tap-dancing your way through
life, trying to shuffle along to a semblance of the beat, and
making up a lot of the steps as you go along.  But when you
forget the steps, why, oh why, does there always have to be an
audience?  Most of the time, there is no one around to see your
brilliant days when you produce your best.  If there is, rarely
do they jump up and give you a standing ovation.  Yet there seems
to be someone around to get the hook and drag you off the stage
whenever you stumble and fall flat on your face.

A Way Around It - Try to move away from the performance
metaphor in your daily life.  Give yourself your own accolades
and critiques.  At the same time, attempt to block out that
distracting Greek chorus of detractors.

*****

"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may
be happy." -H.  L.  Mencken

Judgment and disapproval boil down to one thing - a simple
case of sour grapes.  Are these people party poopers because they
fear the wrath of God, because they are too inhibited, or perhaps
because they just don't know how to have fun?  In their secret
heart of hearts, they may just be dying to have a few laughs or a
rousing good party.  Maybe we should invite them to ours and help
them learn how to let go.  The frozen looks of disapproval might
disappear if the perpetrators were included in the festivities.
We're sure it will take more than a few tries to get a positive
response, though.  After all, people have a hard time loosening
up after years of holding it in.

A Way Around It - When you are faced with a look of disdain
or disapproval, remember that more may be lurking behind that
frigid exterior than meets the eye.  Try to ignore the behavior
and work under the assumption that the "stiffs" of this world
just want to have fun like the rest of us.

*****

"The advantage of being ADD is you never stay focused on one
thing long enough to get depressed." -Don Taylor, ADDult

Wandering minds and poor memories have their advantages.
When you have ADD, it is possible to have the day from Hell, only
to wake up the next morning having forgotten the whole thing.  A
pleasant dream or lovely weather can wipe the slate completely
clean, at least temporarily.  Your distractibility means that you
can be quickly pulled away from gloomy thoughts by something
better that catches your eye and mind.  You may appear rude, at
times, but at least you are able to escape a certain amount of
unpleasantness.  In a world so full of conflict and seemingly
unsolvable problems, the fickle ADD mind can give us an edge, one
we sometimes need, in terms of staying afloat.

A Way Around It - Every characteristic has its positive and
negative attributes.  Try to honor the advantages of having a
butterfly mind.  It is one of the many things we can be grateful
for.

*****

I don't drink and I don't take drugs.  Don't applaud that!

If I got shitfaced I'd probably start talking about insurance
premiums." -Bobcat Goldthwaite

Believe it or not, some folk secretly suffer from ADDenvy.
It's true, controlled and inhibited people often long for a bit
of our derring-do and devil-may-care attitude.  After a local
radio interview Peggy and Kate did, Kate's husband reported the
following anecdote: "We were all listening to you on the radio at
the office.  After the show, various people enthusiastically
reacted to it, but I noticed that the secretary looked pensive.
I asked her what she thought and she wistfully replied that she
wished she had ADD because we seemed to be having so much fun."

She was right, we do have fun.  One of the reasons the radio
interviews go so well is that we are willing to let our hair down
and enjoy being ourselves - a gift of ADD spontaneity.  But we
have to get over the hump of shame and secrecy about our disorder
before we can share our experiences in ways that are both
entertaining and healing for ourselves and our listeners.  And we
don't have to get shitfaced to do it.  We are very good at
attaining a natural high.  The issue we struggle with instead is
finding enough balance to keep our natural highs from getting out
of control, without being wet blankets.

A Way Around It - Your high animal spirits are a gift to be
treasured.  They need only a bit of domestication, not rigid and
punitive obedience training.  If you appear to be drunk or
otherwise intoxicated, even when you have not indulged, you have
slid over the line into the out-of-control zone.  But it is okay
to be zany, silly, or goofy, as long as it jibes with the mood of
the people you are with.  Above all, take care not to hurt
anyone, with sarcasm or other types of humor that really mask
hostility.

*****

"He who threatens is afraid." -French proverb

I often feel threatened by people who I believe have some
power over me, or who seem to be trying to control my behavior.
I think that this fear is a result of my experiences as an ADD
child.  When I was small, there seemed to be all these giant,
powerful people around, forever punishing me and attempting to
control my ADD symptoms.  Back then, I was not aware that those
adults were just trying to help me.  They didn't go about it in
the best way, but I now believe that they were just trying to
help me gain some kind of control over myself.  My parents and
teachers looked all-powerful to me, but in reality they were just
as scared as I was, afraid that I would come to harm if I
persisted in my wilder ways.

I know that I now threaten others at times, but my bullying
is just a defense, designed to hide the fact that I am terrified.

I am afraid of losing something, someone, or my freedom to be
creative.  I may be afraid of having to change or learn new
skills that won't be mastered without a lot of blood, sweat, and
tears.  Most of all, I am scared to death that someone will find
out about my ADD and how vulnerable I feel.

A Way Around It - You may have learned threatening behavior
at your mother's knee, but that doesn't mean it is a helpful way
to deal with your feelings today.  It may seem to be a pretty
risky thing to do, but dropping your defenses is often the best
tactic.  Of course, you have to pick and choose the people you
share your vulnerable self with, but revealing your true self is
the only way to build close and trusting relationships.  -D.  S.  L.

*****

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive
Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?"

-Ronnie Shakes

Much has been written about pie-in-the-sky ADD optimism.  We
often are portrayed as enthusiastic Pollyannas, with eyes firmly
fixed on a silver lining.  People see us refusing to acknowledge
our stumbling blocks even while we trip over them.  Some of us do
play out this role perfectly, generally because we find it too
painful to deal with so many thorny problems.  We refuse to deal
with reality when the bills pile up, believing that someone or
something will bail us out, while doing nothing to change our
spending habits.  But others become professional pessimists,
unable to block out difficult realities or memories of painful
failures.  Still others, perhaps the majority, swing back and
forth between the extremes of optimism and pessimism.

A Way Around It - Sinking into pessimism, although it is
understandable at times, is not the answer.  Neither is a life
spent sticking your head in the sand.  If you find that your
thinking patterns tend to settle into one of these two extremes,
seek out people who have the opposite style.  You may irritate
each other at times, but you may also find a better balance in
your way of viewing your world.

*****

I suppose one of the reasons why I grew up feeling the need
to cause laughter was perpetual fear of being its unwitting
object." -Clive James

We believe that this is the primary motivation for ADDers
who carve out a role as the perpetual class clown.  Of course,
many of us have special gifts in the area of humor.  We think
most ADDers, do, and a few of us can even make a living
performing stand-up comedy.  Among the audience, though, the
laughter fades when the routine never stops.  When one does a
comedy act in every situation, it becomes apparent that the jokes
are just a means of keeping other people at a distance.  If we
keep 'em laughing, we think, we can hide our insecurities.  If we
are the first to poke fun at ourselves, we will beat other people
to the punch.

A Way Around It - By all means, enjoy the gift of laughter.
But spend some private time examining the reasons for your humor
behavior.  If you find that you habitually use humor as a
defense, try dropping "the act" in certain situations.  Sincerely
share your thoughts and feelings, rather than turning them into a
joke.

*****

"Keep falling on your face - when the fall doesn't hurt
anymore you're there." -Hattie Hill-Storks

Recently I went roller-skating with my daughter, who
retracted her request that I skate next to her after she watched
my wretched performance for a while.  Now, I didn't think I was
doing so badly for a fortyish woman who hadn't donned a pair of
skates for a couple of decades.  I suppose that in Alison's
judgment, however, I was a menace on wheels, threatening to take
her down with me on those bruising falls.  I am proud to report,
though, that despite the wounding of my body and pride, I lived
to tell about it.  And I even managed to call forth old muscle
memories, finishing the day with speed skating and a few fancy
turns.

Falling repeatedly on your face isn't fun.  It hurts.  It's
discouraging.  It's embarrassing.  Assuming, however, that you
aren't being a glutton for punishment and pushing yourself way
beyond your limits, the fatting and failing are necessary.  It's
just an emotional low point in the cycle of learning.  You can
move beyond it and the discomfort of feeling like a foolish
buffoon.

But let's not kid ourselves.  The road to mastery is
littered with embarrassment and frustration.  Although that's the
way it is for everybody, it can be a particularly grueling
journey for those of us who have spent years wearing dunce caps
and dodging the jeers of those who seemed to be using us for
target practice.

A Way Around It - Nobody ever said that "getting there"
would be easy.  And keep in mind that even when you get wherever
there is, there will be setbacks.  You will fall less often and
less painfully, experiencing far less of an emotional beating, if
you're careful about choosing where it is you want to go.  And
that means figuring out and then following your agenda, not
someone else's.  -P.R.

*****

"Trust in Allah, but tie your camel." -Arabian proverb

Many of us, against all odds, end up at midlife strangely
innocent, as trusting and naive as little children.  One would
think that all the hard knocks and disappointments would make us
bitter and suspicious, but it doesn't seem to work that way.
Perhaps it is that protective ADD fog at work again, cushioning
the blows and allowing us to forget the last humiliation or
failure.  So that, fresh as a daisy, we can pick ourselves up and
greet the next challenge with enthusiasm.  Or at least with less
dread.  But the fog may prevent us from taking safety precautions
and doing the detail work necessary to reach our goals.

A Way Around It - When the fog lifts with treatment, we can
become downright paranoid for a time.  Work on your ability to
handle details, but do it at a pace that is comfortable for you.
In time, your trust and confidence will return, this time with a
firmer foundation.

*****

"There are some things it's good to have a healthy fear of drinking poisons, leaping off tall buildings, sex with gorillas."

-John-Roger

Over and over again, we find descriptions of ADDers that
portray us as major risk takers, daredevils who spend all our
waking hours jumping out of planes, climbing up sheer cliffs, and
racing our cars on the highway.  For many of us, though, that
image of ADD behavior is an alien concept.  We look at our daily
lives and wonder if we really belong in the club, because we know
that we have become fearful creatures, afraid that our wandering
attention will cause a major misstep or an accident.  Perhaps we
used to love skiing, but we gave it up after a bout of
woolgathering on the slopes caused a close and painful encounter
with a tree.  We may have been full of beans as children, but the
harsh consequences of our rash actions have been hammered home by
the time we reach maturity.

A Way Around It - Don't despair; major risk taking is not
required for a diagnosis of ADD.  ADD is, at its core, a
difference in attention, and not necessarily a matter of
hyperactivity or risky endeavors.  Some of us were born cautious,
and others have learned to be careful in the school of hard
knocks.  Perhaps you will begin to take small risks and try new
skills when your attention is improved with treatment, but there
is nothing wrong with taking slow and tentative steps when you
are venturing out into new territory,

*****

"Grieving must be done in its own time.  To deny the human
reality that pain hurts only delays the process." -John-Roger

When I first found out that I had ADD, seven years ago, the
relief of knowing there was a reason for my struggles was
short-lived.  Shortly after diagnosis, I started on a wild
emotional journey that lasted for about six months.  My hairy
ride was a thing that has been labeled "the grief process" by
folks in the mental health business.  "Well," I thought, "I'm in
that business too, and I know all about it - it's a good thing,
and it won't last forever.  All you have to do is hang in there
until it's over." So, I did my grief work, like a good little
do-be.  I wept and raged and fumed for months on end, and then,
thank God, I was done.  At least I thought I was at the time.  I
felt better than I did before diagnosis and was on a fairly even
emotional keel.

Then I began the work of writing You Mean I'm Not Lazy,
Stupid or Crazy?!  I thought I was all done and ready to tell
other people how to negotiate the rough seas of ADD.  That was
only partially true, because I knew the answers well enough to
write them down, but I did not yet have the ability to practice
what I preached.  The road to recovery from ADD is a long and
rocky one, with new insights leading to more change, and thus
more upheaval.

A Way Around It - The life changes you will undergo as a
result of an ADD diagnosis are monumental.  It will take years,
not months, to integrate all the new information and make the
needed changes in your life.  The emotional upheaval that
accompanies this work comes in waves, rather than being a onceand-forever event.  There is no way to get around the pain and
effort involved, but there are certainly a number of resting
places along the way - after you master an important lesson, and
before you go on to the next.  -K.  K.

CHAPTER 4
From Chaos to Balance

Does living a balanced life sound like an impossibility for
someone with ADD?  We will not even tease you by hinting that it
is anything but hard work to reach that goal, but we sincerely
believe it is possible to find a more peaceful and creative
balance in life, and worth any amount of effort it takes.

As ADDers we are certainly not strangers to chaos.  In fact,
some of us seem to have adopted it as a preferred lifestyle.  Oh,
we don't really believe that anyone makes a conscious choice to
endure the hell of constant bedlam, but somehow, we find
ourselves in that metaphorical loony bin, unsure of how we got
there and even more perplexed about finding the exit.

Of course, the origin of all this chaos is in our ADD
brains, with their odd quirks and often gerrymandered circuitry.
The quirks are the ones we were born with, and so is the wiring,
for the most part.  Some of the circuits, however, may be of our
own making.  Scientists have recently discovered that the human
brain is much more plastic than they once thought.  Stroke
victims, for example, have been known to forge new connections in
their brains with therapy, in order to work around the damaged
sections.  It is not too much of a stretch to hypothesize that
ADDers, in a similar fashion, have developed some unique ways of
"rewiring" a recalcitrant brain.

Now, some of these hypothesized brain changes may actually
be quite adaptive - a new and improved brain, so to speak.
Others, however, are probably just best attempts at working
around a problem.  In real life, they translate into old habits
and ways of thinking and making sense of the world.  Those old
habits of ADD thinking worked, to a certain extent.

One possible short circuit in the ADD brain is the one that
takes us from the recognition of problems to the action taken to
solve them.  Of course, this whole dissertation on circuits is
just our theory, possibly quite far-fetched.  But bear with us
for a moment.

We know about the problem with ADD frontal lobes - there
isn't enough action in that part of the brain when it comes to
inhibiting those naughty impulses.  Voila!  - you take some
stimulant medication, and now your frontal lobes work better.
You should be able to think before you act now - right?  But the
brain is so much more complicated than that; there are all kinds
of connections and interconnections going on in there.  There are
probably circuits of learned behavior that are not affected by
sprinkling a little medication on the frontal lobes.

So, we have to make new patterns and connections, and they
don't just appear overnight.  In the meantime, we are stuck with
a brain that has learned to jump at the first and most obvious
solution to a problem, without considering and comparing the
relative merits of several possibilities.

There are many reasons for the chaos in our lives, but we
think that a big contender is the habit of always being so busy
stamping out the little blazes of life that we have no time to
think about a way to stop the conflagration.  In the following
section, we will look at some of the ways our lives become
unbalanced and chaotic, and offer some strategies for working
toward a saner way of life.

*****

"The most dangerous thing in the world is to try to leap a
chasm in two jumps." -William Lloyd George

Have you ever felt that it is your hesitation holding you
back, rather than your ability?  You take a running start to jump
over a personal chasm, only to find that fear stops you in your
tracks at that crucial last minute.  You remember the last time
you failed, or hear a voice in your head repeating a negative
remark someone made about your chances of succeeding at a goal
you had set for yourself.  Then you lose your momentum, and lose
the courage to make the giant leap that will take you safety to
the other side.

We all have moments like this.  Instead of beating ourselves
up, calling ourselves cowards because we failed to jump, perhaps
there is another way to view those moments of hesitation.  They
can function as a reality check, a chance to see if our plans
have a prayer of working.  An opportunity to stop and say, "Did I
pack my parachute properly for this jump?" Past failure may have
had nothing to do with either ability or courage.  It could have
happened simply because the work of planning and preparation was
neglected.

A Way Around It - There is no getting around the need to
take risks in life, unless you are willing to settle for mere
survival.  The big leaps, however, are more than a matter of
taking a deep breath, closing your eyes, and going for it.  If
you don't have the skills or equipment to be successful, you are
just setting yourself up for a bruising fall.  When you do fall,
or find yourself hesitating at the brink of a major challenge,
use it as an opportunity to go back to the drawing board, to
check your plans for holes.

*****

"Psychiatry - the care of the id by the odd." -Anonymous

You have probably heard the old jokes about shrinks.  You
know how the story goes.  They're crazier than their patients and
their kids are nuttier than yours.  Having spent a large chunk of
my life working and socializing with mental health folk, I can
only say that there is more than a grain of truth to this.
Sorry, old friends and colleagues, but most of us have at least a
few minor bats in our belfries.

In my experience, people often go into the field of mental
health because they want to help themselves or their families.
Now, this is not a bad motivation at all.  Indeed, the very best
therapists tend to be those who have overcome personal problems
and then use their experience to enhance their practice.  On the
other hand, the worst therapists are also people who have their
own personal problems.  The difference is that the effective
therapists have their issues resolved or under control enough to
focus their attention and concern on their clients, while the
other kind can actually do more harm than good.

A Way Around it - Most of us have been or will be in the
market for a psychotherapist at one time or another.  _Caveat
_emptor (Let the buyer beware!) is the watchword.  If a therapist
is obviously in poor control of self or personal problems, move
on and keep looking.  Remember, you are paying them to take care
of you.  You can often get word-of-mouth recommendations from
fellow ADDers at your local support group.  K.K.

*****

"Every so often I lose weight, and, to my utter horror and
indignation, I find in the quiet of the night somebody has put it
back on." -Lord Goodman

How could somebody possibly blame somebody else for his or
her weight problems?  But it makes perfect sense to us.  Our
culture not only values thinness to the point of obsession, but
it blames the poor hapless victims of the battle of the bulge.
Why wouldn't they want to look somewhere else to point the
finger?  The fact is, we do not have as much control over our
weight as many would suggest.  In addition to individual
metabolic differences, folks with ADD struggle with depression
and impulse control, both enemies in the fight to stay slim.

A Way Around It - Do what is needed to maintain optimal
health and peace of mind.  Both a healthy diet and aerobic
exercise are great for the mind and soul, as well as the body.
But check yourself when you find that you're sliding into
obsession about your weight, food intake, and exercise program.
Don't let society tell you how thin you need to be before you can
be happy.

*****

"The dog ate my diaphragm." -Anonymous

This is the explanation a friend's brother's girlfriend gave
when she accidentally became pregnant.  We laughed because it was
funny, but also because it reminded us of all our implausible
excuses for missing assignments and other general screw-ups.
Sometimes they were out-and-out lies, attempts to avoid
punishment and censure.  Other times, the fantastic tales were
the gospel truth, but nobody would believe them because they were
offered after a history of exaggerations and defensive fibbing.

There is a word for this weaving of tales to protect one's
psyche: confabulation.  Alcoholics confabulate, usually because
they can't clearly remember the events of the night before.  So
they make up tales with narrative threads that pull all their
crazy experiences together.  Some would call this lying, but we
don't.  Instead, we think it is an attempt to make sense of a
jumbled and out-of-focus world, to have an answer ready when you
are asked to explain yourself.  We believe ADDers often
confabulate.  We are not necessarily trying to deceive.  Rather,
we are trying to impose order upon chaos, and present ourselves
in a more coherent fashion.

A Way Around It - Continue to make up stories, but keep them
to yourself.  Use them for self-expression, entertainment, and
processing your experiences only.  Stop yourself before using
them as excuses or explanations.  After all, what is wrong with
saying that you messed up?  Or that you don't know why you did
such and so.  You may find that practicing self-disclosure will
not only increase your honesty quotient, but it will also pave
the way for others to be more open and honest with you.

*****

"He that leaveth nothing to chance will do few things ill,
but he will do very few things." -George, Lord Halifax

As people with ADD, we can swing in either direction.  We
can be impulsive, take risks, and have wonderful adventures.  or
we can retreat into safety, or at least the illusion of safety.
It is all too easy to fool yourself when you have ADD because the
traps and the pitfalls are seen through a lens that is off focus.

When we are living on the edge, so to speak, we may be oblivious
to the dangers, even as they lurk and loom around us - until one
of them gets right up in our face and refuses to go away.
Frightened, we go home, draw the shades, and listen to Kenny G.

But sooner or later, boredom sets in, and we are compelled
to stimulate our brains once again.  So we venture out, start a
new business, move across the country, or invest in a new and
expensive hobby.  But perhaps this time we put a toe in the water
before we take a headlong plunge.  Taking precautions before the
fact can make the difference between success and failure.

A Way Around It - By all means, start that business you have
been dreaming about, but research it thoroughly before you invest
your money and quit your job.  The same piece of advice is good
for any new venture.  Know what you are signing up for!  Honor
both sides of yourself.  Both the risk taker and the voice of
caution are necessary to achieve balance.  Balance is necessary
to maintain a semblance of sanity, rather than going from one
behavioral extreme to another.

*****

"The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to
the other end in an awful hurry." -John Jensen

Many of us get swept up in the fast lane, driven partly by
our own restless natures, and partly by our frantic attempt to
keep up in a world where the majority don't have a hidden
handicap to deal with.  We crank ourselves up and kick our
reluctant selves into gear each morning.  The trouble is, we have
to work so hard to get going that the force of our effort often
pushes us into overdrive, a state where our excess energy
desperately needs an outlet.  At first, the surge of energy and
excitement feels good.  But so often we then find ourselves
involved in too many projects and activities, without a prayer of
juggling them all.  Eventually, pushing ourselves becomes such a
habit that we are unable to relax or rest, even when we are
exhausted, quivering shells.

A Way Around It - First, organize and sort your priorities.
If you want to get out of the high-speed lane you will need to
drop some activities and cut others down to size.  For specific
information on how to proceed, read chapter 7 in You Mean I'm Not
Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!  Build quiet space into your life and
routine.  Short, frequent breaks for meditation or exercise can
help keep your drive and energy from getting out of control.

*****

"Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward."

-Anonymous

In my own life, taking a new and positive direction almost
always comes after a whopping failure or an unbearable
humiliation.  It seems the only way I can learn is by slamming up
against a brick wall.  And it often takes repeated trauma or a
serious concussion before I step back and wonder if someone is
trying to tell me something.  In my early twenties I endured
several years of emotional abuse in a relationship that finally
ended with my partner kicking me out.  Although I knew this
relationship was a bad scene, I don't think I would have broken
out of it on my own.  Afraid to stand on my own, afraid of
failure, I had cast this man in the role of savior - which he
definitely was not!

I had little money after the breakup, so I hitchhiked the
350 miles to my parents' home.  As I stood on the highway with my
thumb out, what should have been obvious to me all along suddenly
became crystal clear.  I did not have to live this way!  On the
way home, I took a hard look at myself, denying nothing.  I began
making plans to go back to school, to make a real life for
myself.  From that day forward I took charge of my life.  Not that
I never fail or backslide.  But that particular hard knock was a
precious gift.  it showed me early on that the price is too high,
you have too much to lose, when you give up control of your life.

A Way Around It - Try to view your failures as lessons
rather than defects of character.  In other words, as the old
saying goes, make lemonade out of lemons.  And I am not talking
about trying to change your toadish partner into a prince (or
princess).  You can only change yourself or your own direction in
life.  Count the hard knocks as the cost of wisdom, something
that comes only with time and experience.  K.K.

*****

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be
said to be living apart." -e.  e.  cummings

Financial planning is not our strong suit.  We often live on
the edge, making less money than our peers and spending a whole
lot more!  The greedy "needs monster" beckons, tempting us to whip
out that credit card one more time.  He hisses in our ear, "Come
on!  You can get them to raise the limit."

Before we know what hit us, we are overwhelmed by debt,
hounded and driven by bills upon bills.  So why do we do it?  We
often feel deprived and buy things because, after all, we have to
work so much harder than everyone else just to get through the
day.  We should get some reward for our heroic efforts.  Don't we
deserve a treat?  But it would be so much better to find ways of
"spoiling" ourselves that don't ultimately punish us.

A Way Around It - Instead of shopping, give yourself the
gift of time - for the simple things you love and never seem to
get around to doing.  For example, take out a book, movie, or a CD
from the public library.  Or go out for a walk and appreciate the
beauty of the day.  You'll be much happier than you were when you
were racking up debt.

*****

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win
you're still a rat." -Lily Tomlin

Oh, the rat race!  That endless, ruthless treadmill with no
end and no exit.  For ADDers, just the routine details of
everyday life can constitute a rat race.  The growing piles, the
bottomless lists, all of life's little messes growing at an
alarming rate, endlessly nagging for our attention.  Then there
is the mind-numbing, back-breaking race to keep up with the
Joneses.  Who are these Joneses anyway?  If we could find them and
manage to catch up with them, they would probably just work twice
as hard to stay one step ahead.  So what is the point?  We have to
ask ourselves if we really want to be like them.  Let's face it,
would you rather have 2.3 perfect children and "house beautiful"
or be a highly evolved person?  The answer is a no-brainer as far
as we are concerned.

A Way Around It - Ignore the dust balls.  Sing a song, paint
a picture, or meditate instead.  Fill your time and space with
joy and beauty in order to avoid the rat-race mentality.
Remember, the only reliable measure on the road to
self-actualization is your own yardstick, not the world's.

*****

"My bad girl has been undercover for years, disguised as a
middle-aged mama who drives a Volvo." -M.  J.  Johnson, ADDult

Many of us, men and women, have pasts that don't quite jibe
with our current standards.  We were too wild as teenagers, the
kind of kid our friends' mothers didn't want them to associate
with.  We got into trouble drinking too much, driving too fast,
and having too many sexual escapades.  But most of us cleaned up
our act in adulthood scared by the lack of self-control that had
taken us to the edge too many times.  Now, we may feel like
impostors, playing out our roles as responsible, respectable
citizens.  Who knows?  Maybe we're still operating from the fear
that those impulses are still there and they will do us in,
unless we exercise rigid control over ourselves.

A Way Around It - You have learned better self-control from
your days in the school of hard knocks.  And since you are no
longer an adolescent, perhaps it is time to loosen the controls a
little bit, but in a safe way.  Take singing or dancing lessons
and allow yourself to be silly at times.  Nourish the positive
aspects of that youthful spirit.

*****

"My whole life is in a constant state of disarray, and the
one thing that doesn't change is the workout....  If you're
feeling depressed about something, you get on the Lifecycle and
you forget it." -Madonna

For some of us, vigorous exercise is our best friend.  No
matter how bad or chaotic things become, we can always count on
at least the peace of total exhaustion at the end of a workout.
And we are often rewarded with the happy calm of the athlete's
high.  For others, strenuous exercise, particularly the kind you
get at a health club, is an odious ordeal - painful torture to be
avoided at all costs.  It's boring, it takes too much effort, and
we just can't stick with anything long enough to get into a
routine.

Nevertheless, it usually helps when we can bring ourselves
to do it.  We all know how exercise benefits the body, especially
aerobic exercise for the cardiovascular system.  But did you know
that it is good for your ADD too?  After vigorous exercise your
ability to focus and concentrate is often enhanced for several
hours.  Some people who cannot tolerate medication have had a
fair amount of success treating their ADD with exercise.

A Way Around It - If exercise is a beloved part of your
daily routine, stay with it.  If you are a member of that larger
group of people who are exercise phobic, try to find a form of it
that is palatable.  For example, a dance or martial arts class
can be more interesting than calisthenics.  Or just walk, ride
your bike, or dance to your favorite music in the privacy of your
home.  But do find a way to get up and moving.

*****

"I have problems flown in fresh daily wherever I am."

-Richard Leuns

This sentiment may not be as masochistic as it sounds.  When
our lives seem to offer little else but an endless supply of
problems, perhaps there is some comfort in the illusion, at
least, that we control the rate and flow of life's challenges.
Everyone knows that we need just the right amount of stimulation
to keep that adrenaline flowing, right?  But we didn't really
order those problems.  No one really knows where they all come
from.  Some may be caused by ADD, while others have a different
source.  Some we seem to bring on ourselves, while others appear
to be acts of God or fate.  Whatever their origin, we have very
limited control over what, when, where, or how many problems we
have at any given time.

A Way Around it - Of course you didn't ask for or cause all
your problems, but in any case, you are stuck with them.  So it's
better to take a proactive rather than a reactive stance visa-vis those pesky obstacles.  Instead of whining or spending all
your time looking for the culprit, ask yourself what you can do
about the problem right now.  The only measure of control you can
gain is by viewing the barriers in your life as opportunities to
learn and grow.

*****

"I play a musical instrument some, but only for my own
amazement." -Fred Allen

My father is eighty-four years old and has taken up several
new hobbies within the past several years - just for his own
amazement.  Or more accurately, for his amusement.  Among the
classes he has taken at the senior citizen's center are drawing,
painting, and wood carving.  He and my mother are running out of
walls on which to hang his amazing Santa Claus and dog carvings!

And to be honest, he really is developing quite a skill at
whittling.

My father's talent - or yours or mine - isn't what's really
important, though.  What is important is that we don't restrict
our activities because of fear of failure.  So many of us with
ADD arrive in adulthood with a self-defeating sense of failure
and incompetence.  More often than not, however, we failed only
in our inability to perform according to some artificial,
arbitrary standard of success.

A Way Around It - The quest for excellence doesn't have to
be the driving force behind all your endeavors.  Hobbies and
recreational activities are not frivolous time wasters.  They are
an important art of the overall balance we ADDers need so much in
our lives.  So what if you're not the world's greatest ukulele
player - if you like to strum, just bask in the pleasant process
of making music.  -P.  R.

*****

"The world doesn't want to hear about the labor pains, they
just want to see the baby." -Marcia and David Kaplan

Have you ever asked someone "How are you?" and received a
lengthy discourse on his or her physical aches and pains, the
numerous mechanical problems of the lemon of a car that cost
gazillions of dollars to buy, and the current status of the
bankruptcy proceedings?  Too bad you asked, huh?

Sharing in the life challenges of another is an important
part of being a friend.  If you have had a caring person who has
helped you weather the trials in your life, you know how
invaluable the support has been.  But let's face it, no one
appreciates being used as a sounding board ad infinitum and ad
nauseam.  It's true that having ADD means that we have to work
harder and longer to accomplish things - the same things done by
our non-ADDer peers seemingly effortlessly.  The danger ties in
our using ADD as an excuse for lack of follow-through.  And this
is a trap that's easy for us to get tangled up in.  When push
comes to shove, your spouse, or friend, or boss wants to see
results - "the baby" - having grown impatient with tales of the
pregnancy and delivery.

A Way Around It - If you're struggling alone with your ADD,
find a local support group - peers who share the experience of
ADD.  Then, take action to view the reality of your ADD as an
explanation rather than an excuse.  Break the failure pattern by
limiting the number of commitments you make and by focusing on
results.  Finishing one or two things pays a higher dividend than
starting and never finishing many things.

*****
CHAPTER 5

Relationships and Communication

Everyone knows that good communication skills are essential
to forming and maintaining relationships.  Most of the conflict we
experience as we interface with others is the result of the
misunderstandings, faulty signals, and crossed wires of
miscommunication.  There are an astonishing number of books
available, offering crash courses in communication skills, as
well as seminars and workshops for gaining practical experience.
And, of course, all the books on ADD tell us that communication
is definitely not one of our strong points.

So, we take the hint and enroll in one of those courses, or
go on a reading binge, trying to cram as much information into
our brains as we can in the shortest possible period of time.  Of
course, we know better than to think that a lifetime of faulty
communication skills can be banished overnight, to be immediately
replaced by the good stuff - the real McCoy!  But hope springs
eternal, and so we head confidently home, or to the office, after
completing that crash course, eager to test our newfound ability
to communicate.

We are elated as we launch into our first encounter with
another being.  "Hey!  This stuff really works," we think; "this
active listening and checking to see if the other person really
heard us is pretty slick." Well, it works for about five minutes,
and then the conversation starts to unravel.  "What the hell
happened?"

We're not entirely sure about what happened, because we
weren't there, but we could take an educated guess about some
possibilities.  Communication skills are essential to
relationships that really work, but they are only one part of a
very complicated picture.

Consider an interaction with your spouse.  If you have been
together for a long time, your conversations with each other,
more often than not, are familiar transactions spoken largely in
a kind of special code.  You know how it goes: She says, "Did you
take out the garbage, honey." and he replies, "Not yet, I'm
trying to finish this paperwork," to which she responds, "I can
see the truck coming down the street." Simple enough, right?  But
underneath this rather mundane exchange of words can lie a host
of meanings, and old stuff from past conversations.  This couple
may be adding unresolved conflicts from a past marriage to their
exchange, or even resentments from childhood.

There are so many possibilities.  For instance, she may be
simply trying to find out if the garbage is out on the curb, with
the thought that she will take it out herself if the chore has
not yet been done.  Or, she may be asking her question in a sweet
tone of voice, while she holds herself in check, seething because
that "lazy bastard" never helps out around the house (just like
her no-good first husband or her father).  He, on the other hand,
may have barely registered her question, preoccupied with his
paperwork.  He could also have heard it loud and clear, but is
operating from his own assumptions, that she is bossing him
around, just like so many people have done in his life.  Get the
picture?  And that was just an interaction between two people when you add more, the possibilities increase exponentially.

Our main point is that relationships and communication are
too complex for simple and easy fixes, especially when you stir
some ADD into the pot.  They are the areas of your life that will
require the most work, and that will be the hardest to master.
Don't let this discourage you, however.  Progress may seem to be
painfully slow and uneven at times, but the rewards are great.
In this section we will examine some of the issues that confront
ADDers in relationships, and look at some examples of the
multifaceted process of communication.

*****

"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."

-James Thurber

What really scares us is how easily we can fool ourselves.
Like those times when we fall into the black hole of daydreaming.

We can lose hours at a time, and sometimes even whole days.  We
are convinced that we were actually with the program the whole
time, while in reality we weren't really "there." This happens to
adults with ADD during social interactions all the time.  We are
brought back to earth with a thud, when someone asks us a
question and we realize we have no idea what they are talking
about, because we checked out of the conversation a long time
ago.

It's tempting at this point to pretend that we really know
what is going on instead of honestly admitting that we missed
something.  After a while, however, the practice of covering up
our lapses catches up with us.  As we miss more and more pieces
of vital information, we are caught in a web of deception.  We
feel stupid and out of it, and we have to fool ourselves as well
as others to hide our shame.

A Way Around It - In general, honesty is a much better
policy.  Of course, you don't need to make a confession every
time you miss a bit or a piece of a conversation.  Nobody picks
up on everything, and your companions will quickly become bored
or irritated if you interrupt the flow constantly with apologies
or questions.  When you have had a major lapse into dreamland,
however, ask for a summary of the conversation you missed.

*****

"Some people have built-in filters that screen out the boos
and amplify the hurrahs.  Those are the people who never know
when they're in trouble." -Roger Von Oech

The idea of screening out the boos sounds fine to us.  The
only way we know how to survive the put-downs is to focus as much
as we can on messages of approval.  That is easier said than
done.  For one thing, we pay more attention to and give more
power to the boos.  It seems to take four or five times as many
hurrahs to counterbalance their negative effect, perhaps because
the boo-to-hurrah ratio was imbalanced when we were children.  We
heard far too many derogatory comments in the days before we grew
up and were able to exercise some choice about our activities.

For example, as adults we can choose to stay away from team
sports if we are lousy at them.  When we were kids we had to
endure the humiliation of being the last kid picked for the team.

There was no getting out of that hated gym class.  Our
self-esteem took a beating and left us vulnerable to depression
as adults.  The dilemma now is to avoid sinking into depression
without shutting out all feedback from the outside world.  For we
do need to know when we are screwing up so that we can do
something about it.

A Way Around it - If you get consistent messages from others
that you are on the wrong track in certain areas of your life,
pay attention to them.  They can help you improve aspects of your
behavior that don't serve you well.  On the other hand, refuse to
absorb negative messages about your worth as a human being.  The
trick is teaming to pick out and use the helpful hints while you
discard the judgment and disapproval that often go along with
them.

*****

"Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel
like stripping your gears." - Barbara Johnson

ADDers are almost always ready and raring to go, especially
when it comes to talking.  We are impatient and have trouble
waiting for others to "get to the point." For that matter, we are
not especially talented when it comes to waiting for anything.
We hate standing in lines, being in crowds, or sitting long
enough to listen to a lecture.  For me, difficulty with waiting
ties in with one of my ADD patterns I call "forecasting."

For many years I missed big pieces of conversations without
knowing it, because I would try to predict what the other person
was going to say before they said it.  I don't know why I thought
I could actually do this, but I think I know what I was trying to
do.  I was trying to predict what was ahead so that I could come
up with a response.  I was rehearsing a bit in my head in order
to avoid coming across as a conversational idiot.  Of course,
this strategy did not work.  My anticipation kept me so busy that
I could not hear what the other person was saying; in fact, I
stopped hearing them altogether.

A Way Around It - Try to practice patience - both with
yourself and the other person - in your conversations with
others.  It will help if you relax your attitude toward the
interaction itself.  Remind yourself that you are trying to
communicate, rather than make a display of your verbal skills.
If you miss pieces of what the other person is saying or don't
know how to respond, simply say so.  They will be so impressed
with your efforts to be a good listener that your lapses will be
forgiven, if not forgotten.  D.S.L.

*****

"I like talking to a brick wall, it's the only thing in the
world that never contradicts me." -Oscar Wilde

I do too, only my brick wall is usually a blank page.  A
number of years ago, I discovered that nobody wanted to listen
long enough for me to share all the thoughts and ideas bursting
in my brain.  When I did get someone to listen, they had the
audacity to interrupt my train of thought, sometimes right in
midsentence!  And not only that, they would question and sometimes
shoot down my precious fledgling ideas before they were strong
and clear enough to withstand such scrutiny.

After years of fussing and fuming over this state of
affairs, the light finally dawned in my stubborn mind.  Why was I
expecting other people to have attention spans, especially for my
half-baked schemes, that were far greater than the one I had to
offer them?  But what do I do about all my wonderful musing that
needed to come out?  Thank God I had been developing my writing
skills, because they turned out to be a great vehicle for
self-expression.

A Way Around It - Just spew it all out on paper.  Or blather
into a tape recorder.  Nobody has to see it, or hear it, unless
you want to share.  You never know ...  eventually you may write
something good enough to publish.  Suddenly, rather than no
audience for your ideas, you could have thousands.  -K.K.

*****

"The right to be heard does not include the right to be
taken seriously." -Hubert Humphrey

And that is a major problem for many folks with ADD.  We
have great ideas, but we can't seem to communicate them in such a
way that they will be appreciated and used.  When we manage to
pull together a rambling string of thoughts into a narrative
thread that can be understood by others, it is often too long for
anyone's attention span.  Our audience wanders off before we get
to the punch line.  Or we come on too strong, talking too much,
too fast, or way too vehemently, forcing others into a hasty
retreat.

And sometimes, when we think we've gotten it all together,
we discover that our ideas are way ahead of those in the pack.
Either no one understands our complicated way of thinking, or
they can't imagine how to make practical use of our proposals in
the here and now.  Great inventors like Edison were very
fortunate.  Edison had both the gifts of a fertile imagination
and the practical skills needed to make his ideas a reality.
Most of us are not so lucky.  We are either idea people or folks
with the ability to make things happen.  The idea people and the
doers need to learn to communicate well with one another in order
to get anything done.

A Way Around It - Keep working on your communication skills.

For more specific information on how to develop those skills,
read or listen to the audiotape of You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid
or Crazy?!  If your progress seems to be too slow, consider that
the pace may be just right in the total scheme of things.  In
other words, by the time you are able to package your ideas in
both a tempting and beneficial manner, the world may be ready to
accept them and put them to use.

*****

"I wasn't allowed to speak while my husband was alive, and
since he's gone no one has been able to shut me up.  -Hedda Hopper

Here's a possible alternative to the biochemical theory of
ADD verbal diarrhea - rather than having a defect in the system
that serves to inhibit the excess flow of words, perhaps we have
spent too many years pent up and ignored, our attempts at
self-expression tuned out.  Just because we could never get to the
point fast enough, or our ideas seemed too far-fetched, doesn't
mean we deserved to be silenced.

Often it is not that we were actually being told to shut up,
but that we chose silence over the humiliation of talking to
someone who was not really interested in what we were saying.  It
is true that we need to find ways to express ourselves that don't
confuse or bore others.  But how can we learn if no one is ever
patient enough to listen to us in the first place?

A Way Around It - Find a sponsor, an ADD friend with whom
you can give and receive honest feedback.  Practice listening
attentively to one another, but tell the other immediately when
your mind starts to drift or you're getting confused.  Not only
will you learn conversational control, but you will have had the
opportunity to express yourself.  The practice can also give you
more confidence in your ability to speak with non-ADDers,

*****

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still
likes you." -Elbert Hubbard

That is why it is such a peak experience for many of us when
we finally manage to hook up with a group of ADD people.  We can
let down our hair and share a wart or two, and they smile in
recognition and empathy, instead of showing frozen looks of
disapproval.  Usually, self-disclosure is met with reciprocal
nods or a chorus of "I've done that too." What a colossal relief
after years of burying our shame with cloak-and-dagger secrecy.
At last, we have friends with whom we can be real, rather than
the impostors we feel that we are much of the time.

A Way Around It - Find a group of kindred ADD spirits, if
you have not done so already.  ADDult conferences and support
groups are good places to meet them.  And from time to time, be
the first person to share a faux pas.  The response you get will
be its own reward.

*****

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, take
separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our
marriage together." -Rodney Dangerfield

This sounds a lot like the marriages of many of us!  We have
no trouble giving each other enough space.  This is one familiar
script for an ADD marriage, especially when which makes for a
potentially both partners have ADD combustible combination.  It's
so much easier to circle each other warily and give a breezy wave
as your ships pass in the night.  And it seems far better than
wrangling and fighting and setting fire to each other's fuse.  In
the final analysis, though, this script needs doctoring if the
marriage is to be preserved.  Freedom may not be an issue, but
intimacy certainly is.  After too many years of noninteraction,
you find yourself wondering, "Who is this stranger who lives in
my house?"

A Way Around It - If this marital script sounds all too
familiar, get yourselves to your local marriage and family
counselor before it is too late.  An ingrained pattern of many
years will not respond to quick fixes, fads, or a-do-it-yourself
operation.  For one thing, you will need a neutral party to act
as a buffer, someone who can support both of you in your efforts
to really deal with the undercover conflicts without fighting and
blaming each other.

*****

"We judge ourselves by our motives and others by their
actions." -Dwight Morrow

Of course we do!  It is very hard to step outside oneself to
get a clear picture of one's own actions.  And how do you crawl
into the heart and soul of another person?  You can't, and without
either of these abilities, it is easy to cast ourselves as
long-suffering victims and other people as evil oppressors.  The
ADD
blanket of fog blurs and distorts the scene even more, because it
can be both protective and stifling.

Empathy for another requires a generous amount of maturity
and security.  It is an impossible task when you are suffering
yourself.  When it takes all of your energy just to get through
the day, the blanket protects you from the additional stress of
appreciating another's pain.  When you are stronger, however, and
ready to reach out to others, the fog is not your friend.  It
muffles and chokes you in your efforts at understanding and
acceptance.

A Way Around It - Retreat to your fog when you need to, but
do what you can to break through it when you are in better shape.

Realize that ADD is just one possible piece of the heavy baggage
that everyone carries around.  Past conflicts and traumas also
weigh us down.  But the burdens can become lighter when we use
our experience to understand the difficulties others are going
through.  When we are able to empathize with another person, we
usually discover that the other person is not that different from
ourselves.

*****

"Y'know, when we're not fighting, we get along just fine."

-The Rockford Files

Venturing into a relationship is a lot like walking through
a minefield!  Hazards are hidden everywhere, just waiting for a
trigger to set them off.  One misstep and a blast explodes around
you, leaving you reeling, bruised, bleeding, and wondering, "Why
is this happening?"

We may try boning up on our communication skills, becoming
frustrated when the siege, with no cease-fire in sight, rages on.

The way a relationship plays out, however, has as much to do with
mind traps as it does with good listening skills, per se.  These
are the thinking patterns that underlie individual battle plans the scripts "written" long before the warring begins.  Feelings
from prior relationships create automatic behavioral responses
within the current one.  In response to disagreements, we pull
out our respective "scripts," reading memorized dialogue, as it
were.  There's the Helpless and Inadequate Script - I'm wrong.
And the Blame and Anger Script - I'm right and you're wrong.
There are others, the most deadly, perhaps, that of
Disillusionment - We should just get divorced because nothing
will ever change between us.  The danger is in the narrow range
of options created when we operate without under, standing this
threat to quality relationships.  With minds trapped in a
turtle's-eye view of experiences - his or her vision having been
reduced to just a tiny slit of daylight - each partner is able to
see few options.

A Way Around It - Becoming aware of the sabotage created by
your mind traps can free your thinking so that you can choose to
shift your role from victim to observer.  This shift can help you
recognize that the source of most arguments is a matter of
differing opinions and that opinions aren't commandments but
simply perspectives.  This homework assignment might also help:
After each of the next three "altercations," jot down a list of
the thoughts you were having while each was going on.  Read your
list, reflecting on any emerging patterns and identifying your
particular scripts.  The next time a fight starts brewing, you'll
be prepared when a mind trap begins to ensnare you, and will be
better able to choose to think and behave differently.

*****

"I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous.  Whenever I feel like
getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair
curlers to burn my toast for me." -Dick Martin

This group would be a lifesaver for many ADDers.  Of course,
we would need a chapter for prospective brides also.  As a group,
we tend to be just as impulsive in love and marriage as in
everything else.  But it's a whole lot easier to return the
unwanted results of a shopping expedition than it is to heal a
broken heart or a guilty conscience.

Our romantic track records would surely be a lot cleaner if
we each had a sponsor to call every time we fell madly in love.
He or she would know our unique profile of unrealistic fantasies
and expectations, and could administer that cold shower whenever
we needed it.  Love is one area where we should definitely take
it easy.  There is no need to rush, it only gets us in trouble.
We don't, after all, want to collect too many speeding tickets,

A Way Around It - Until some enterprising individual
actually organizes such groups, we will just have to wing it.  Or
call a good friend, one who knows you inside and out.  Make a pact
to support each other in affairs of the heart.  For example, when
one of you sees that the other's relationship is going too fast,
help put the brakes on, without nipping the budding romance
altogether, of course.

*****

"It was a mixed marriage.  I'm human, he was a Klingon."

-Carol Liefer

Your non-ADD spouse may view this scenario in reverse, but
it seems to us that many ADDers feel like they're married to
aliens from the world of the straight and narrow.  We have our
little flaws and foibles, but at least we own up to some of them.

Admitting to our ADD status means that we have the courage to
reveal our imperfections.  Our nonADD spouses, on the other hand,
often get locked into the stance that I'm okay and you are
downright weird.  It's easy for them to take the unacceptable
parts of their own human nature and project them onto us.  We
become convenient scapegoats in the dicey dance of marriage.

A Way Around It - Tell the casting director to take a hike.
We don't deserve the villainous roles that we keep getting.  Call
your spouse on the carpet if he or she always points the finger
of blame in your direction.  In fact, get rid of that
finger-pointing stuff altogether.

*****

"Basically, I believe the world is a jungle, and if it's not
a bit of a jungle in the home, a child cannot possibly be fit to
enter the outside world." -Bette Davis

Finally, a bit of absolution for the sins of chaos visited
upon our children.  Who among us has not felt horribly guilty
about the impact of our disordered and messy lives on them?  First
we pass our ADD on to them genetically, and then our lifestyles
prevent us from providing that lovely, safe, structured
environment all the "experts" recommend.

We have tried all the behavior modification programs in
existence with our respective children, but they never worked
because child and parent became bored so quickly.  But more
importantly, each of us know the pain of being treated like an
animal at obedience school.  And we don't want our children
feeling that humiliation.  So we lurch along, improvising our way
through the child-rearing process.

A Way Around It - Perhaps we have not done such a bad job
after all.  The world really is a chaotic place, and our children
will have to deal with it sooner or later.  Perhaps it's better
for them to learn the necessary survival skills among familiar
people first, people who love them.

*****

"When I found out that my daughter had ADD, it was like I
was in an elevator at the top of a building and someone had cut
the cable.  I'm falling, and can't tell where the bottom is."

-Anonymous ADDult

Those of us who are parents get at least a double dose of
anguish as we go through the ADD diagnosis and grief process with
our children.  With a strong hereditary factor at work, we may
end up going through this two or three or more times.  To say the
least, we feel helpless and panicky, realizing that we can't save
our precious children from the agony of our youth.

Our guess is that not many of us would want to repeat those
earlier years.  ADDulthood has its ups and downs, but the downs
don't compare to those of childhood.  When your child is
diagnosed you can't escape painfully revisiting your own past.
And you think, "It doesn't seem fair that I have to do this
again." Or even more than that, that they have to go through the
same thing.

A Way Around It - Try to separate your experiences from
those of your child (or children).  He or she is unique, in spite
of your common problem of ADD.  On the positive side, his or her
experience does not have to be as difficult as yours was,
especially because we have more knowledge about ADD now, and
there is more help out there.  And be thankful that your child
has a parent who can empathize with his or her problems.

*****

"When spiderwebs unite, they can tie up a lion." -Ethiopian
Proverb

We feel very optimistic about the prospects for adults with
ADD in the next few years.  Since the late 1980s, when
recognition that ADD continues into adulthood began to seep into
the public consciousness, we have been fighting have an uphill
battle to get help for ourselves.  We fought with professionals
who denied us treatment because they were not knowledgeable about
ADD.  We have fought with insurance companies who denied payment
for the disorder.  And we have fought legal battles for
accommodations at work and in school.

But at first we were only a handful of people, a few who got
the message before information about ADD became major news.  Now
we are many.  The news stories and talk shows have helped, the
positive ones lifting our spirits and enlightening those who have
experienced ADD only from the outside.  And the negative comments
have spurred us on to greater efforts to counter the false
images.  As a group, we now have efficient ways to organize and
communicate with each other.  The Internet, for example, is a
powerful tool that we are using to help each other and build a
power base for change - not only for ourselves, but for our
children as well.

A Way Around It - Give your spirit a boost of empowerment by
becoming active in the fight to help yourself and your ADD
brothers and sisters.  You don't have to make it a career or
spend all your free time doing it.  Simply speak up when the
opportunity presents itself, and write letters to policy makers
when an issue comes to your attention.  But do something, for now
and for the future.

*****

"I can't help detesting my relations.  I suppose it comes
from the fact that none of us can stand other people having the
same faults as ourselves." -Oscar Wilde

With ADD being a genetic disorder, it is almost impossible
to escape seeing some of our worst ADD traits mirrored in our
relatives.  This is probably why so many of us flee the family
homestead as soon as possible, and why it is so hard to find the
time to get back for visits.  Of course, there are other reasons
for this behavior, such as the better availability of jobs or the
wish to live in a different climate.  We do live in a highly
mobile society.  But isn't a part of you sighing with relief
because your family of origin lives in another state?  Or do you
find yourself wishing that they did?  Especially if they don't own
up to their ADD or do anything to modify themselves and their
actions.  And who can blame us?  We have worked so hard on
ourselves since diagnosis that it is painful to be confronted
with the unadorned ADD of close relatives.  They are what we used
to be, and still are when we don't watch ourselves.  And we have
to struggle with a strong urge to convert Mom or Dad or Grandpa
to our new understanding and world view.  But they usually don't
want to change.  In fact, they resist any suggestion that they
might have this thing that they don't really believe in anyway.

A Way Around It - Don't feel guilty about keeping your
distance from your family of origin.  Until you can accept them
as they are, resisting the urge to preach about ADD, staying away
will do all of you a favor.  Later, when you have gone further in
your recovery, you will find your visits easier, whether they
change or not.  And when they see the difference in you, they
will be more likely to investigate this ADD thing.

*****

"I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all
mankind!  The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong
building." -Charles Schutz

We really do know the answer much of the time.  Or at least
some part of the answer.  But that impulse to impress people, to
show them that we really aren't so dumb, can trip us up.  Anxious
for a chance to shine, if only for a brief moment, up shoots our
hand, before we fully process the question or formulate the
answer.  Sometimes we get away with it, and that lucky fluke
lures us to try the same tactic next time.  Usually, though, we
end up with the proverbial egg on our faces, stumbling and
stuttering out a half-baked reply.

A Way Around it - Take the time to listen and reflect before
responding.  Your patience will be rewarded.  After all, you want
people to note and remember the times you are on target, rather
than those endless rounds of shooting practice.

*****

"A friend knows how to allow for mere quantity in your talk,
and only replies to quality." -Anonymous

Why does it seem as if your friends never listen to you?  You
get halfway through an anecdote or story, and your audience turns
a deaf ear.  A bosom buddy is supposed to stay riveted to the
spot, while you pour out all the fascinating details of your
life, right?  Like the complete history of your medical problems
in gory detail.  Or an endless recitation of the plot of the
movie you saw last night.  Why not?  You think this stuff is
utterly fascinating.  So you think that maybe it's your friend's
fault.  He or she should do some thing about their ADD.  And then
you would finally have an attentive listener for your verbal
productions.

A Way Around It - Is it ADD or just a natural human response
to a barrage of words?  ADD or not, the bottom line is that you
can't change your friends.  Instead, you can use their nonverbal
cues as guidelines for working on yourself.  When you lose their
attention, it is time to stop, change the subject, or ask your
friend about their life.

*****

"There is nothing permanent except change." -Heraclitus

It's rather funny, actually.  So much is unpredictable.

About the only thing we can predict with certainty is that things
will keep changing!

Change is always scary.  Even positive changes cause stress,
because change causes a disruption in daily life.  It requires
the dismantling and subsequent rebuilding of long-held practices,
beliefs, and operating systems.  And it requires a readjustment
in the relationships with significant others, some of whom may
not be aware of your changes.

Think about what happens in a marriage when one partner is
diagnosed and treated for ADD.  The whole equation changes
dramatically.  Initially, both partners may find themselves
feeling as if they are on their second honeymoon.  This often
doesn't last, however, because ...  change is inevitable.  First,
old baggage has a way of getting recycled because memories don't
magically disappear.  Second, the newly diagnosed spouse isn't the
same person he or she used to be.  And third, the non-ADDer isn't
sure who this new person is: The spouse is clearly not the same
person he or she married years earlier.  All these changes
conspire to upset the apple cart, as they say.

A Way Around It - Don't get discouraged if personal changes
seem for a time to make things worse.  Long, standing
relationships take a long time to undergo change as partners
readjust expectations and ways of mutually responding.  Just keep
communication channels open, seeking help from a marriage
counselor, if necessary, to help the two of you find a new
definition for your changed relationship.

*****

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me." -Fred Allen

It's amazing how long an hour can feel when it's spent in
the company of an in-law complaining of arthritis or a child
asking for the umpteenth time, "But, why?" And how about those
warm, wonderful times when the extended family comes together for
holiday festivities: the nieces and nephews fighting over the
video machine; the new baby screaming with colic; the mother-inlaw tsking over unironed table linens.  Your brain screams for
relief from the onslaught of overstimulation.  And, as if he can
read your mind, Uncle Harry provides an answer to prayer by
suggesting that everyone bundle up and go outside to have a
snowball fight.  Phew!

The nature of our disorder is such that it doesn't take much
to send us into a frantic state, feeling as if we are being
squeezed inside a ball of rubber bands.  This experience of
continual conflict isn't limited to the home front.  At work you
find yourself enduring colleagues who interrupt with uninvited
visits to your desk and your officermate who shares, ad nauseam,
the details of the upcoming company banquet he is organizing.
You seethe, secretly wishing you could simply affix a large piece
of masking tape to each respective mouth or erect a wall of
cement between you and the offending parties.

A Way Around It - It's essential that you have space in
which to think, work, and just be.  It's impossible to exist as
if you were the only person on the planet, but you can and should
establish well-thought-out personal boundaries, clearly
communicating them to those with whom you live and work.  Initial
boundary setting will involve negotiation and compromise.  After
the rules have been determined, however, be ruthless about
sticking to your guns.

*****

"What do you mean we don't communicate?  Just yesterday I
faxed you a reply to the recorded message you left on my
answering machine." -Anonymous

It's become difficult these days to use the old excuse that
it must have gotten lost in the mail.  Lost in cyberspace is more
like it.  Although you still can't fax your mortgage payment to
the bank, you can use electronic banking to get the job done
quickly and efficiently.  You can design an anniversary card with
your computer software, e-mailing it to your spouse just in the
nick of time.  Not to worry, your computer's personal information
manager will prompt you with a preset alarm when the big day has
arrived.

Assuming that you've figured out how to operate successfully
the varied wonders of modern electronic wizardry, your response
time in many situations can be dramatically decreased and the
quality of your responses improved.  Rather than impulsively
saying something to your boss that you wish a super-duper word
vacuum could instantly suck back in, you have time to write a
measured response.  Just be careful about reducing all
communication to the electronic variety - successful performance
on the job depends on more than robotic actions.  Success in the
workplace, as in every other arena of your life, depends on
developing satisfactory interpersonal relationships.  As useful
as fax and answering machines and computers are, they don't do
much for team brainstorming sessions ...  and they make lousy
business lunch partners!

A Way Around It - These days, it's critical that you acquire
some basic skills of modern telecommunication.  Take advantage of
whatever in-house training and hands-on workshops your company
offers or sponsors.  If you aren't computer savvy, it's a good
idea to do some practice runs e-mailing messages to yourself or a
friend.  And don't ever forget that e-mail messages are not
private, so be careful about that note to your colleague in which
you characterize your officemate as a frustrated eunuch!  Finally,
remember that all the fancy electronic gadgets in the world will
never replace good old-fashioned face-to-face communication.

*****

"The mind is like a TV set - when it goes blank, it's a good
idea to turn off the sound." -Anonymous

I love to talk.  About anything and everything.  It's not
that I love the sound Of my own voice.  It's just that talking
serves as a safety valve, releasing the pressure cooker my brain
becomes when thoughts and ideas start ricocheting around.  Even
when I've emptied my mind of the pressing thoughts and feelings,
my mouth somehow doesn't get the message and keeps moving of its
own volition!

I'm sure that if I don't keep expressing myself - even after
I've said everything that could possibly be considered worth
saying - I'll explode.  Of course I won't literally come apart if
I don't pour my heart out to the nearest sentient being, but it
sure feels like that sometimes.

This need to get everything out of my mind and off my chest
results in pressured speech that often tortures my listeners.
Not only don't they have a prayer of contributing their thoughts,
they also have to attempt to follow the convoluted path my
talking takes after I've been at it awhile!

There's nothing wrong with venting now and then, assuming
your listener doesn't mind being the sounding board.  This
variety of talking, however, isn't conducive to genuine and
effective communication, because that requires an interchange of
information - talking ...  and listening.  In the absence of real
back-and-forth dialogue, your speech becomes a monologue and your
words just noise, like the static on your TV set at 4 A.M., when
no signals are broadcast.

A Way Around It - When you feel the need to talk for the
sake of talking, let the other person know that that's what
you're doing.  And try periodically checking to be sure your
listener hasn't fallen asleep or has smoke emitting from his
ears, frustrated to the max - ask, "is my talking making you
crazy?" And here's another thought.  Talking to oneself might be
thought crazy, but it's really not such a bad idea.  If this is
your preferred channel for thinking and processing information,
it can be a valuable way to clean house, so to speak, before you
start talking to somebody else.  -P.R.

*****

"We never talked, my family.  We communicated by putting Ann
Landers articles on the refrigerator." -Judy Gold

Some families use a message board, the answering machine, or
Post-it notes on the bathroom mirror.  An urgent message taped to
the toilet seat in such a way that you can't take a pee unless
you deal with the note is one way to grab the erratic attention
of ADD family members.  All of these methods of communication
have their uses, but they also have fatal flaws.  When you have
ADD, it is all too easy to walk right by the message board or
answering machine without noticing that a stack of important
messages awaits.  Unless the Post-its cover the entire mirror, it
is possible to shave or put your face on without giving them a
passing thought.  Not to mention that it seems pointless even to
have a family when you never meet and communicate face-to-face.

A Way Around It - Work toward honest and direct
communication with loved ones.  Be aware, however, that avoidance
is the path of least resistance.  Expect some backsliding along
the road to better communication.

CHAPTER 6
Work, Work, Work, Work ...

hat do you mean we don't have recess?

Oh, the cold, hard reality of adult life, when the milk and
cookie breaks disappear, or are much too far apart for our
tastes.  Eight hours is an ungodly length of time to be chained
to a computer, a desk, or a repetitive task.  And some of us are
not even lucky enough to have a circumscribed end to our days.
It is kind of insulting and demeaning to have to punch a clock,
but at least you get to go home at the proper time, or be paid
overtime for your extra work.  Those poor salaried workers don't
know where the work ends and the rest of life begins, because
unfinished work goes home with them.  In today's "lean and mean"
environment the work never seems to be finished anyway, so how
can you win?  Owning your own business is no panacea, either,
because then the twenty-four-hour buck passes to you.

Please, please, please don't let these realities move you to
give up in despair, however.  There are ways to make the world of
work more bearable and sometimes even rewarding.  As ADDers, we
have a set of unique problems to wrestle with in the workplace,
in addition to the ones that everyone else has.  But we also
bring our special gifts to the office, or other workplace.
We are often full of energy, enthusiasm, and novel ideas.  Since
we think and view the world in an unconventional fashion, we are
more likely to see beyond the old, tired ways of doing things and
discover a fresh solution to knotty problems.

Of course, there is a hitch.  It's a variation on the
"square peg in a round hole" problem.

ADDults often have a history written in many short-term
jobs, often of less than a year in length.  We may frequently
move to the next job or challenge because our work has become
dull, uninteresting, or limiting in some way.  In addition, we
live in constant fear that our employers will discover we have
ADD, so we literally plan when we need to leave to avoid facing
another put-down or failure because of our disability.

Succeeding in the workplace requires not only creativity and
"smarts," which we ADDers often have in ample amounts, but also
the ability to listen, monitor social cues and body language, and
figure out what our bosses are really asking us to do.  While our
work tasks may be less profound than we would like, they are
still important to those we work for.  If we want to keep our
jobs, we must accept what it is we are being paid to do.
Agreeing to do the task we were hired to complete is the first
step to being successful in the workplace, but for ADDers it's
only the first step.  Visualizing, working for, and creating for
ourselves the job we really want is the goal.

*****

"A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one
good man can do in an hour." -Elbert Hubbard

We don't know how many of you have had to endure the torture
of working on a committee, but based on our experience we don't
recommend it.  The ADDers; we know tend to be people of action.
We want to brainstorm a solution and then get on with the work of
actually solving the problem.  In contrast, committees tend to
beat a problem to death by overanalyzing it until it is too late
to do anything about it.  They seem to require a strange kind of
attitude from their members, which is the willingness to spend a
long time talking about a problem without fixing it.

Of course, there are some advantages to the committee way of
doing business.  For one thing, you have a whole group to pass
the buck around to, if things go wrong.  And sometimes it's nice
to bask in the false security you get when the committee actually
gets around to laying out some kind of plan.  Except that you
know from past experience the plan is likely to change, or be
trashed altogether.  In theory, committees have the advantage of
bringing more than one set of abilities to the problem-solving
table.  In reality, this benefit is an asset only when the
members can put aside their differences in order to work
together.

A Way Around It - Exercise caution when it comes to signing
up for committee work.  A little of it goes a long way for most
of us.  If you find yourself stuck on one of the darn things,
consider it a lesson in patience and fortitude.  On the other
hand, don't rule out the option of working with a partner, or in
a very small, informal group.  Two heads can be better than one,
if we are willing to put some effort into the working
relationships.

*****

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should
always save some of it for tomorrow." -Don Herold

We don't know if we agree about its being the greatest thing
since sliced bread, but we do know that work is never really
finished.  There is always something more to do.  For ADDults,
learning how to spread a project over days, weeks, or months does
not come easily.  We sweat over the small details and worry about
the ones that have inevitably slipped our minds.  We also fear
that if we don't get it all done right now, we will lose our
momentum.

When we are no longer inspired or excited, we want to drop a
project like a hot potato.  We are amazed at people who can work
on a project until a designated quitting time and then stop,
resuming the next day where they left off.  Each of us tries to
set our work hours, but we find that putting the project to bed
for the night is always a struggle.  We always fear that if we
don't keep working until a job is done, we will never finish it.

A Way Around It - A good way to work through this issue is
to practice multitasking, to have several projects going at the
same time.  It helps you avoid becoming too obsessed with a
particular project, and it can keep the boredom at bay.  To be
successful at this, however, you need to use an organized system
to keep the jobs moving along and to avoid mixing them up in your
head.  Break up each project into smaller pieces with deadlines
assigned to each task.  Post your task and deadline list in a
prominent place.  Also, make sure that each project has its own
folder or file.

*****

"I not only use all the brains I have, but all I can
borrow." -Woodrow Wilson

I love it every time I read about an achiever who is a fan
of teamwork, a big shot who is humble enough to admit to the
truth.  The truth is that no one makes it on their own.  All the
great accomplishments in history came about through the efforts
of many, even if they weren't recognized for their contribution.
Life is too complicated for one person to figure out
singlehandedly.

As an ADD youth, I never had the chance to learn much about
teamwork.  I was always the one the other kids didn't want on
their team, because I could not stay focused and got into trouble
all the time.  I was the one who got into fights and went to the
principal's office two or three times a week.  As an adult, the
situation is different.  I have better self-control than I did
when I was a child.  And I have learned that when I work with
other people, sharing ideas, effort, and recognition, the results
are better than anything I could do alone.

A Way Around It - Use all the people resources you can
gather when you have a project to do.  Work at establishing and
maintaining rapport with your collaborators.  The mutual support,
fresh ideas, and different points of view are worth the work
involved in a partnership.  -D.S.L.

*****

"I yield to no one in my admiration for the office as a
social centre, but it's no place actually to get any work done."

-Katherine Whitehorn

What a relief to realize that one is not alone with this
particular problem.  I used to blame myself when I never seemed
to reach my daily workload goals.  It was my distractibility, I
thought, and a lack of discipline.  Now, when I look back at
those pre-ADD awareness days, I realize that it was far more
complicated than that.

Sure, the ADD interfered with getting started and staying on
track, but my internal difficulties were only part of the
struggle.  Although I worked hard at putting that old nose to the
grindstone, just as soon as I got settled and concentrated on a
task, some unavoidable distraction would present itself.  The
boss would call a mandatory meeting, a co-worker would come to me
with a personal problem, or the office would throw a good-bye
party for someone.

I could usually see the purpose in stopping for the last two
things, but it seemed to me that the meetings were held largely
because the boss was tired of sitting alone in her office,
wrestling with her own restlessness.  I quickly learned that for
me to ignore any of these "social" requests would have been a
major mistake, because task completion is only one part of a job
description.

A Way Around It - Work on improving your concentration and
focus, but try not to become obsessed with this as the total
picture.  Even if you're perfectly disciplined, your day will
still be interrupted by other needs and priorities.  For instance,
the relationships with your coworkers are at least as important
as the tasks, especially when you need to work as a team.  -K.  K.

*****

"I don't know how it is that you start working at something
that you don't like, and before you know it you're an old man."

-Herman Mankiewicz

This is a sad but true scenario for many of us.  We have
these flashes of brilliance, multiple gifts, and creative
talents.  But we lack the focus to make them into a coherent
whole, to decide what we want to be when we grow up.  Some of us
leave our options open on a permanent basis, refusing to do
anything that requires us to choose or make a commitment.  Then
we may think that we are "free."

But free to do what?  We may not have the same dull
nine-to-five job year after year, but anything truly fulfilling
requires a degree of commitment.  Another path many of us choose
is to opt for a vocation that is not the best fit but that seems
tolerable, at least.  It may seem to offer security or structure.

Over the years, however, that vocation is more and more
loathsome.  It is too deadly boring, or it saps our energy
without giving any of it back.

A Way Around It - If you hate what you are doing, it is not
too late to change it.  Discover your true profession and pursue
it.  You don't have to make the change overnight.  In fact, we
specifically recommend that you don't.  Take your time and do
some research before you take any action.  If you neglect to do
your homework, you could end up spending your time and money
training for something that is even worse than the job you
presently hold.  In the end, if you have to take a cut in pay or
status, the benefits are preferable to letting your soul shrivel
and die.

***** "Meds can move mountains in the mind; but, shovel in hand, I
still have to show up for work every day." -Joe O'Connor

It is so hard to get back to work after the mind-blowing
experience of a good response to medication.  Your head is clear
- for the first time in your life - and you can see a panorama of
all the possibilities in yourself and your life.  But it takes so
long to actually make any of those promises real.  And there is
so much gritty work to be done at the way, both at your job and
in your ADD recovery.

You find that the office is even more boring than before,
and worse, that you've lost all patience with yourself, with your
personal progress.  So it is natural to get discouraged, or even
downright despondent from time to time.  How do learn to stay on
the farm, so to speak, when you have you seen those bright city
lights?

A Way Around It - Those visions of possibility are real and
attainable, but gratification will certainly not be immediate.  In
the meantime, believe in yourself and keep your vision of a
better life in your mind's eye.  It will fortify you as you do the
hard work needed to realize your goals.

*****

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the
moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get
to the office." -Robert Frost

Some brains start working at the first buzz of the alarm
clock.  Ours are likely to wait until a more civilized hour.
Let's say noon.  Some days, it may seem as if they never quite
get into the working mode at all.  They always seem to need an
oil change or a tune-up or something.

Many ADDers confess that their bodies go through the
routines of getting ready for work, and perform tasks at the
office, but that their minds are not fully engaged.  At those
times, we are like the walking dead, and we pray nothing happens
that would require us actually to think.  It's as if we're on
autopilot, hoping everyone else thinks we're flying the plane.

A Way Around It - Perhaps you can rearrange things a little
in your life so that you do most of the work when your brain is
at its peak.  After all, our rhythms are not those of everyone
else.  Look into self-employment opportunities.  If that's just
not possible, or you don't yet have the self-discipline to work
on your own, perhaps you can find a job with flexible hours.

*****

"if you hate your job, either change your job or change
your attitude about the job.  One or the other." -John-Roger

We can imagine the reaction of our ADD readers to this
quote.  When you hear such words, your first reaction may be to
stiffen defensively.  "What do you mean change my job?  I'm stuck
with this rotten job because I have to make a living!  I can't
change my boss, the working conditions or my coworkers.  So how
can I manage an attitude transplant?"

Well, it won't be easy, but the alternative is much worse.

It is true that you can't change the behavior of other people.  It
is also true that an immediate job or career change may be
impractical.  You can, however, take the steps and make plans to
find a better work situation in future.  In the meantime, it is
important to find a way to live with the job you have.  The
negative feelings you have toward the job will only impact
negatively on your mental and physical health.

A Way Around It - Do something, however small, toward making
that future job change a reality.  Make a list of possibilities
and do some research on careers or opportunities that intrigue
you.  Until you are able to actualize your plans, consider
modifying the psychological investment you have in your current
job.  Have you placed this job at the center of your life?  If so,
it may help if you put more of your mental energy elsewhere, into
relationships or outside activities.  Remember, your job is not
all that you are.

*****

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

-Charlie McCarthy

Here's a handy rebuttal for those snide comments directed at
our "laziness." Of course we are not truly lazy (or stupid, or
crazy).  It just takes us longer to get started on a project, or
to crank up into gear and start the workday.  Furthermore, when
we finally manage to get in the working mode, we can astonish
ourselves and coworkers with the results of our efforts.

"They" wonder how on earth that marvelous presentation,
piece of advertising copy, or proposal emerged from all the time
we spent doodling and noodling around.  What "they" don't
understand is that the apparently aimless activity we engage in
before we actually produce anything is not as purposeless as it
seems.  We were actually thinking and planning the whole time, if
a bit chaotically.  But who ever said that the creative process
was meant to be orderly?

A Way Around It - Give your unique working style the respect
it deserves.  If you find that scribbling, pacing the room,
staring into space, or making endless trips on the elevator helps
you get your thoughts into workable order, follow your instincts
and tune out the disapproving comments.  As long as you aren't
interfering with someone else's time or space, your methods are
nobody's business but your own.

*****

"Don't tell me no!" -Robert J.  Ramundo

This quote is a mantra contributed by my husband.  Even as a
toddler, he was recognizable as a typical "type A" personality.
In elementary school, he practiced his future profession as a
businessman by lending money to family and friends at healthy
interest rates.  A five-dollar loan today was payable at six
dollars one week later.  Not a huge amount of money - unless you
are ten years old.  I'm sure Donald Trump would be green with
envy.  Wouldn't he love to earn a 20 percent return on his
investment in a week's time!

Rob is an ADDer with a driving force to succeed sitting at
the core of his very soul.  It is not about money, really,
loan-sharking activities notwithstanding!  For Rob, business is an
exciting game, a game that is even juicier when the deck is
stacked against him.  While he admits that his response to the
word _no is sometimes unprintable, much of the time the challenge
inspires an extra twinkle in his eye and a renewed commitment to
face down the obstacles.

A Way Around it - As ADDers, we have often been reprimanded
for having a bad attitude, especially toward authority.  But is
it the attitude that is at fault, or just the presentation?

Obscenities and hostility are certainly not acceptable responses
when you meet with resistance, but just giving up or giving in is
not the answer either.  If you truly believe in your idea or
project, go for it, but do spend some time considering how you
can best approach the person who is saying, "It can't be done."

-P.  R.

*****

"Most of us are umpires at heart: we like to call balls and
strikes on somebody else." -Leo Aikman

Isn't that the truth?  Lunch with a friend from the office is
a great arena for playing umpire.  His voice joins yours in an
ever growing diatribe against the newest member of the company
whose inexperience and bumbling is screwing up the current
project your team is working on.  And, hey, that VP.  whose
slave-driving is leading to a mutiny in the ranks, he's a real
piece of work, isn't he?  Heck, if it wasn't for the interference
of these people, your job would be a breeze, right?  Reality-check
time.  As an old axiom says, When you point your finger at that
coworker, three fingers are pointing back at you!  It seems the
nature of the human beast is to criticize other people, probably
in part as a defense against having to give a long, hard look at
oneself.  Discovering that we are lacking in some way isn't a
discovery we want to make.

A Way Around It - Don't beat yourself up for the times you
find yourself playing umpire.  It certainly can protect you from
being overly self-critical.  But the strategy backfires when your
energy and efforts are only focused on negativity.  When you
start thinking or talking about the shortcomings of your boss,
balance these criticisms with some positive statements.  Can't
think of any?  Then try following the age-old axiom: "If you can't
think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"

*****

"Have I reached the person to whom I am speaking?" -Lily
Tomlin as "Ernestine

Many of us have laughed at the antics of Lily Tomlin's
Ernestine, the telephone operator.  We laugh in recognition,
having experienced the frustration of miscommunication.  Now, if
you are the parent of either a toddler or an adolescent, you may
feel like giving up on ever "reaching the person to whom you are
speaking." Two-year-olds and sixteen-year-olds seem to share the
inability to hear anything you say!

Parent-child miscommunication aside, misunderstandings often
occur because we fail to consider the critical role of body
language in conveying messages.  In fact, experts say that words
make up less than 20 percent of communication.  The largest part
of the message is conveyed through body language, the nonverbal
cues.

Keeping this in mind is especially important in the frequent
workplace, where you have to respond to "on-the-fly" comments and
directives.  Your boss tells you to do something, finishing the
dialogue with, "Let me know if I can help you?" If you don't pay
attention to her nonverbal cue-looking at her watch as she
quickly moves away from you - you might launch into a lengthy
reply.  Her body language should alert you to her impatience and
unwillingness to converse with you at the moment.

The quality of your communication with others depends on
your awareness of the role body language plays in these
interchanges.  What you see provides information that can be more
valuable than that of the spoken words.  And of course the same
applies to the body language you use.  Remember that your visual
cues convey unspoken words to your listener.

A Way Around It - If you aren't getting what you need and
want from others, you may be sending the wrong body messages.
Work at presenting yourself as a confident person.  Use these
basic "body-talk" tips of Germaine Knapp, founder of a Rochester,
New York, communications consulting firm: Sit or stand erect;
lean slightly forward; maintain eye contact; unfold your arms and
legs; look open, pleasant, and positive; nod your head
occasionally and say "yes" to emphasize agreement; sit at the
head of the table or stand while others are seated to show
command.

*****

"The only thing more overrated than natural childbirth is
the joy of owning your own business." -Anonymous

I can add a loud "Amen" to this sentiment, having endured
fourteen excruciatingly painful and joyless hours of labor, and
twenty-five-plus years of owning several businesses with my
husband.  The latter experience has been only slightly less
painful and marginally more joyful than those hours spent giving
birth!

Don't get me wrong: The entrepreneurial bent of many ADDers
can make owning your own business an enticing possibility.  Doing
it your way can allow you to make better use of talents that
might otherwise go unused and unrecognized when you try to fit
your ADD quirks into someone else's business organization.

If you have never found a satisfying work environment within
corporate America and have a particular, marketable skill,
setting off on your own can be the catalyst you need to attain
personal satisfaction and financial success.  Launching your own
business, however, is not an endeavor for the faint of heart.
Expect a long gestation period, lots of aches and pains along the
way, and deliveries way behind schedule!

A Way Around It - Don't let me scare you into backing away
from your entrepreneurial dreams!  I merely want to inject a note
of caution for your consideration as you make plans and choices.
Take it from one whose wisdom was earned the hard way.  Resist
the temptation to jump into a business start-up with nothing but
ideas and enthusiasm.  Do your homework obsessively, making sure
you have adequate financial resources and a detailed business
plan before that production line starts running.

CHAPTER 7
Organizing Time and Space

They say that time is a gift to be treasured.  That's fine
for poets and philosophers, but talk about rose-colored glasses get real!  If time is a gift, it appears to many of us ADDers that
it's been given by a sadist, intent on torturing us for some
terrible thing we've done.  What a rotten thing to do - giving us
a gift that should have been recalled for defects in
manufacturing, because it doesn't work worth a damn.  Can't we
just exchange it or, better yet, receive a full refund?

It's no wonder we have a love-hate relationship with time.

It's a tick-tock terror that is two-faced and as temperamental as
we are!  At times, it flies ...  at times it seems to stand still.
It's a tease and a lousy team player.  It's like this: It's the
critical play of the game....  We look around for some time and
it's nowhere to be found....  Time just plain ran out!  So, with no
remaining time-outs on the clock, we're up against the wall it's deadline time.  And, of course we don't have any spare time
on our hands (or anywhere else for that matter!), so we set out
to buy some more - ah, yes, if only we could just pick some up at
the grocery story along with milk and orange juice!  Since we
can't do that, we borrow it from somewhere in our already overly
busy schedules, discovering that what we've really done is stolen
it, unable to "pay it back"!

We know we're in trouble when a stranger casually asks, "Do
you have the time?" and we have to fight the urge to snarl back,
"What are you, crazy or something?  If I had any time, do you
think I'd be this frantic and wild-eyed, gasping for air as I
race down the sidewalk pushing people aside?  And even if I had
the time, do you think I'd share even one millisecond of it with
a complete stranger?"

Humor aside, organizing our lives is a Herculean task for
many of us.  If managing time were simply a matter of being able
to "tell time" - a skill we learned when we were five or six
years old - there wouldn't be a problem.  Unfortunately, try as
we might to tell time, it never seems to listen!  As Irishman
Finley Peter Dunne said in 1910 "Things Spiritual," Mr.  Dooley
Says, "Scales and clocks ar-re not to be thrusted to decide
anything that's worth deciding.  Who tells time be a clock?  Ivry
hour is th' same to a clock an' ivry hour is diff'rent to me.
Wan long, wan short." Isn't that the truth?

Although we often personalize time, ascribing to it
qualities of a living, breathing tyrant, it is, of course, merely
a concept, a framework within which we structure the events of
our daily lives.  Within the dimension of time we organize the
sequencing of spatial events against a backdrop of the duration
of time itself, which comes in three varieties - my time, their
time, and shared time.  "My time" is the internal time needed to
learn something or to enjoy personal satisfaction that operates
within individual, biological rhythms - our innate,
twenty-four-hour circathan cycles of peak and nonpeak performance
times.  This the external time within is distinct from "their
time," which we are expected to respond to the pressure to
perform a task, do it, and then be judged according to the speed
and quality of our performance.  Finally, there is "shared time,"
the merging of one's personal time rhythms with those of others
within the larger context of "real time," as it were.

The struggle for time is the basis for the daily dilemmas we
human beings face as we attempt to organize our activities to fit
within this larger perspective of time.  How long does it take to
do something?  How do I find the time to do both the things I must
do and those that I want to do?  And then, what happens when my
time conflicts with yours, for example when I have to wait for
you to do something before I can do what I need to do, and vice
versa?  Stress is typically the fallout from these conflicts.  Our
response is typically to consult assorted self-help books looking
for time-saving tips, a strategy that nearly always backfires.
It backfires because of the Law of Time: To-do lists always
expand to fit whatever time is available.  Accepting this reality
is the place to start if we are to gain some control over our
lives.

Consider the complexity of this concept we call
organization, a process that includes the components of
attention, memory, and learning.  The effective ordering of the
events of our lives within the multidimensional aspects of my
time, their time, and shared time(s) requires attention to detail
and the ability to plan ahead, sorting and filing all these
elements into an external framework, as well as having an
adequate memory to remember the assorted details.  Since so many
of us have varying degrees of weaknesses in these skills, it's
not surprising that disorder often becomes a way of life.  But we
don't have to feel out of control all the time, because despite
the problems inherent to our ADD, each of us can become selfempowered through personal choice.  We can decide to do things
differently.  Your decision to act or not to act on this choice
largely determines how successful you will be at organizing your
life, and the degree of stress - or peace - you will experience.

On the following pages, we will explore the havoc
disorganization wreaks and suggest ways to minimize its effects.

You will read some tried and true strategies for making better
use of your time and for organizing your belongings, and also
some ideas for you to think about regarding the personal choices
you make in your daily life.  These "think-abouts" aren't
specific tips as much as they are food for your personal
introspective thought.  We hope they will provide a somewhat
different perspective about time and stuff management, one that
focuses on quality rather than quantity - how to enjoy personal
peace and order through simplicity.

*****

"I hate housework.  You make the beds, wash the dishes, etc.

And six months later you have to start the whole thing over
again." -Joan Rivers

Unless it is an annual event, as it is for some of us.  We
beat ourselves up over the silliest things.  Okay, so we can see
the point of washing the dishes at least weekly, because they
smell bad if you don't.  Plus you run out of plates after a
while.  But what's wrong with paper plates?  We know, it's the
environment, stupid!

However, there is no conclusive evidence that using china or
stoneware plates is better for the environment anyhow.  What
about the water, electricity, and detergent it takes to get them
clean?  And is it really essential that we make our beds?  It is
nice once in a while to get into a freshly made bed, but it
really doesn't have to be a daily event.  Make thy bed was not one
of the dictates handed down to Moses by God, as far as we can
recollect.

A Way Around It - Give yourself permission to cut whatever
housekeeping corners you need to in order to grab some free time
and space for yourself.  No one ever lay on their deathbed
wishing they had spent more time doing housework.

*****

"The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to
miss the train before." -G.  K.  Chesterton

This is a good metaphor for a life spent playing catch-up in
a number of realms.  A groggy, sleepy brain needs a wake-up call
well in advance of actually attempting to do anything.  An alarm
clock helps, as do the various morning rituals you do as you
slowly come to.  But nothing works quite like the shot of
adrenaline you get from a minor fright or a close call.

Now, missing a train is not a big deal in the total scheme
of things.  Still, you can get a minor rush from the process and
challenge of trying to beat the clock.  And when you do miss that
first train anyway, your mind is more alert and you have plenty
of time to dawdle over breakfast as you wait for the next one.
Perhaps the same dynamic applies when it comes to relationships
and jobs.  We hope so.  It would be nice to find out that all
those false starts, all the preparedness and excitement, have had
a purpose after all.  They served as practice, getting you ready,
fit, and sassy for when your special train, the one you're
supposed to get on, comes along.

A Way Around It - Do make plans, preparing as much as you
can in advance and attempting to keep to some kind of a schedule.

But be prepared for false starts and detours.  You'll be
surprised at how well you can master the art of rushing to wait
and to use it to your advantage.  As a bonus, you'll learn a
little patience, too.

*****

"Punctuality is something that, if you have it, there's
often no one around to share it with you." -Anonymous

And it is vastly overrated.  We know this, because we have
spent much of our adult lives trying to master time management
skills.  When we were successful, our punctuality became a point
of self-righteousness used as a weapon to clobber the habitually
late.  Don't get us wrong, it is inconsiderate to keep people
waiting for long stretches of time and to do it regularly.  But
everyone gets stuck in traffic or delayed by their children now
and then.

In the long run, a few minutes waiting for someone else or
occasional tardiness on your own part is nothing to fuss and fume
about.  Chronic lateness is another story.  If you are on the
receiving end, don't expect that you can force, cajole, or reason
the other person out of this behavior.  You can let them know how
it affects you, and you can ultimately stop making plans with a
person who doesn't show up on time.  But the only behavior you
can really change is your own.

A Way Around It - Try to be reasonably punctual most of the
time, in consideration of others.  But do exercise patience with
others in this regard, keeping in mind the times and reasons
you've been late.  However, don't let this equation become too
unbalanced.  If a friend is consistently late, talk about it.
Don't accuse, but explain how it makes you feel when you are kept
waiting.  If you are the habitually tardy one, examine your own
behavior with the goal of making some changes.  For specific
advice on time management techniques, read chapter 13 in You Mean
I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!

*****

"I don't know how it happens.  My car just drives itself to
Neiman-Marcus." -Victoria Principal

The same thing has happened to me, but instead of
Neiman-Marcus, I find myself in the parking lot of Value City.  I
never intended to go there.  I've made a vow to cut back on the
spending, and anyway, I'm supposed to be at my desk, writing, or
cleaning my house or something.  I confess, however, that the
urge for forward motion, especially when faced with difficult or
boring tasks, is irresistible.

In a trance, I am propelled forward into my vehicle before I
can register a protest.  In all honesty, though, I wouldn't
object too much or too loudly anyway.  Once inside the store, I
wander around in a daze, searching for the retail equivalent of
the Holy Grail.  Sometimes I find it, the bargain of the century.

But it usually isn't what I thought I was looking for when I went
in the store.  Much of the time, the shopping trip ends up as an
exercise in confusion and frustration.

A Way Around It - It isn't easy to break this particular way
of killing time or procrastinating.  It may help to schedule
regular shopping expeditions with a list and budget in hand.  And
when faced with odious tasks, try to find a less expensive and
time-consuming distraction, such as taking a walk.  In short,
take a break but don't take forever.  -K.K.

*****

"I've found a great way to start the day - I go straight
back to bed!" -Anonymous

Left to our own devices, this is exactly what a lot of us
would do.  When we hold jobs or responsibilities requiring us to
get up and out in the morning, we don't have to wrestle with this
problem in quite the same way as the unemployed and
self-employed.  It is no fun to drag ourselves out of bed on a
gray morning when we look and feel like Medusa's twin.  But at
least the problem of choosing a direction for the day is solved.

Fear can be highly motivating!  We are afraid of what the
boss will do or say, and we anticipate how resentful our
co-workers will be when they have to take up the stack.
Reluctantly, we drag ourselves out of that bed, deciding that
facing the day is the lesser evil.  The immediate consequences of
pulling those covers back over our heads stare us right in the
face.  It is much harder when we work on our own.  We will
eventually have to pay the piper in terms of generating income,
but the day of reckoning is usually further off.

A Way Around It - Know thyself when it comes to selecting an
occupation and lifestyle.  If you have great difficulty
structuring your time and getting started, postpone that dream of
self-employment until you have learned how to set up and follow a
routine.  Consult an ADD coach if you have problems doing this on
your own.  They specialize in helping ADDers with structure and
time management.

*****

"I try to order my belongings, but they never listen to me."

-Don Lambert

It's not fair!  Nobody listens to us at home or at the
office.  We all need someone or something to boss around, to be
in charge of.  But nobody wants to take the subordinate role.
Even the cat and dog need remedial obedience school training, and
they are surly, uncooperative students.  At least we ought to be
able to control and take charge of our stuff, our own personal
possessions, right?  With ADD, though, even the stuff of life is
rebellious.  It simply refuses to conform to the systems and rules
we try to impose.

A Way Around It - Perhaps it's the rules and the systems
that are at fault.  Organizational plans with too much rigid
control and order are doomed to failure, mainly because life is
never that orderly.  You do need a game plan or plans for
organizing your things, but be prepared to change them as your
needs change.

*****

"I don't think I've used a hanger in my entire life.  I have
always enjoyed living in my own debris." -Steven Spielberg

The $64,000 question is whether disorder is a lifestyle
choice or a monster over which we have no control.  It is not, as
some people think, just a matter of some central defect in the
brain's organizational skill center.  There is no such place,
because the brain is much more complicated and mysterious than
that.  So where does the "mess monster" come from?

It may seem like a monster, but it is really just a natural
tendency that has gotten out of hand.  If you and your family
don't mind living in a lot of clutter, and if you can find your
stuff when you need it, it's not a problem.  On the other hand, if
the litter in your life constantly gets in your way, it's time to
do something about it.  Perfect order, however, is never the
goal.  Striving for it puts us at risk for another problem,
obsessive-compulsive behaviors.  So, how does one decide how much
disorder to tolerate, and on what basis?

A Way Around It - Examine your motives for attacking your
messes or for letting them slide.  Most people swing back and
forth to some degree.  If you find that you are largely driven by
shame or defiance, you are not making a conscious choice about
the excess or lack of tidiness in your life.  If you can't seem
to reach a healthy balance in the area of clutter control, you
may need to consult a good therapist for help with the underlying
psychological issues.

*****

"Looking back, my life seems like one long obstacle race,
with me as its chief obstacle." -Jack Paar

We complain about all the interruptions at home and at work,
and often think that we would get along just fine if only
"others" would just leave us alone.  That is only part of the
story, however.  Picture this: You finally have some time to
yourself at home, when your spouse and kids take that out-of-town
trip.  It's peaceful and quiet, because you have unplugged the
phone and disabled the doorbell.

And there you sit, restless and fidgeting at your desk,
unable to write a word of that Great American Novel you have been
planning in your head for so long.  How can you concentrate when
all these thoughts, song lyrics, and odd bits of conversation
jostle each other in your beleaguered brain?  So, eventually, you
just can't stand the experience of being chained to your chair
for no apparent good reason, and off you go in search of
distraction.  You don't consciously intend to distract yourself,
but your restlessness takes you on a tour of the house, where you
naturally find all sorts of little jobs just begging for your
attention.  And the Great American Novel is, once again, put on
the back burner.

A Way Around It - This was not written to point the finger
of blame in your direction, but only to help you consider that
the problem of distraction is more complex than simply one of
dealing with noise from the outside.  It may help your progress
with that best-seller if you take your "house tours" to a more
conscious level.  Give yourself built-in breaks from that chair,
but set a time limit for your wanderings.  If all else fails,
call a halt to your writing session and make a decision to do
something that better suits your current mental state.

*****

"It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious."

-Kin Hubbard

We don't know about you, but we have always been offended.

by bustling efficiency - mostly because we can't manage it
ourselves.  Many of those proficient people out there seem to be
so conspicuous about checking off their lists of chores, errands,
and appointments.  Plus, they let it be known that they head up
committees, attend all vital community meetings, and have people
over for dinner weekly.  It feels as if they are saying, "See how
wonderful I am and what a worm you are."

And we believe them, because we never do anything in such a
straight-line fashion.  We fumble, we bumble, and we take a lot
of breaks and detours to boot.  Those of us who do manage to work
up the head of steam we need to stay on task often become
locomotives.  We blow our whistle at every curve and
intersection, and knock anyone off the tracks who gets in our
way.

A Way Around It - Use strategies to keep yourself on track,
but don't allow a given task to take on too much importance.  In
other words, if it's making you shove aside important people in
your life, along with your own serenity, it's time to slow down.
There is a lot more to life than efficiency.

*****

"Always make sure your fly is zipped before you go on." -Al
Lampkin

When I leave for an appointment, I typically make five or
six return trips back inside my house before I'm finally ready to
leave.  And, of course, these aren't leisurely walks to and fro.
They are frantic fifty-yard dashes, with one eye on my watch.

Why do the hands on my watch move so damn fast when I'm in a
hurry and so slowly when I'm, say, waiting for a refund check
from the IRS?  It is truly an inexplicable quirk of nature or
something.

I have to tell the truth: I know that the hands don't really
move any quicker ...  but I do run much faster than I used to.  I
have to.  I have no choice because I'm frequently late!  I think
maybe I was born late and have been trying to catch up ever
since.  I guess that's not much of an excuse either, is it?

A Way Around It - It's easy to throw in the towel, giving up
on the seemingly impossible dream of improving one's time
management skills.  Efforts in this regard may seem futile.
Before you give up in frustration, however, remember that
managing time is a skill and, as such, can be learned.  While
learning specific time management strategies is an invaluable
skill, it is far from the entire answer.  Instead, start by
looking at your life balance sheet with an eye toward serious
slicing and dicing, particularly of your should-dos." -P.  R.

*****

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my
coffin." -Fred Allen

Trying to pare down our possessions quite this much may not
be realistic.  But it's a far better goal to shoot for than the
one inscribed on the T-shirt that proclaims, "The one who dies
with the most toys wins!!"

If you check out the classified advertisements for yard
sales, you'll conclude that lots of folks have garages and
basements filled with unwanted miscellany.  For many of us
ADDers, though, accumulating too many castoffs can be deadly.  It
usually requires far more than a garage sale for us to escape
from beneath mounds of disorganized stuff.  And as if that
weren't bad enough, we have assorted boxes of the latest and
greatest gadgets we've impulsively bought.

It follows that the more we acquire, the more we'll have to
organized difficult task for us.  So, as we accumulate more
things, we end up with more disorder to manage ...  and less time
than we had before.

A Way Around It - Read the chapters about balance and
organization in You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!  In them
you will find a variety of practical suggestions for paring down
the mess and clutter in your life.  And before you acquire new
possessions, ask yourself if you are willing to pay the hidden
costs: the expense to you in terms of your time, energy, and
perhaps even your sanity!

*****

"The volume of paper expands to fill the available
briefcases." -Jerry Brown

Ah, yes, the Paperwork Plague.  You leave two pieces of
paper on your desktop and by morning they have reproduced,
creating an entire pile of new pieces of paper!  A mystery,
indeed.

Some ADDers don't seem to have undue difficulty managing the
paper pile-ups in their lives, but many of us do.  We don't throw
things away, because we might need them sometime in the distant
future.  We don't put things away, because we can't figure out
where to put them.  And we know that out of sight is out of mind,
so we don't dare file something away where we can't see it.  This
leads to another disorder comorbid with ADD-File Cabinet Phobia!

Just kidding, folks, we invented that one.  You won't find
it in any version of the DSM.  That this problem is not
officially recognized by the American Psychiatric Association
doesn't mean that it isn't a real and serious problem, though.

A Way Around It - Is your trash can clean, shiny, and empty
and your desktop covered from edge to edge with littered papers?

If so, it's time for a major overhaul of your Paper Pile
Management Operating System!  A good way to start might be to try
The Bigger the Box the Better Decluttering System.  Grab your
miscellany of papers, knicknacks, books, etc., and pack it all in
one large box, taking care to leave out your current bills,
speeding ticket, and anything else that must be handled ASAP.  By
eliminating the problem of indecision, you can experience instant
gratification - viewing your desktop for the first time in years!

The reduction of visual clutter also provides a "clean slate"
from which you can begin your reorganization.

*****

"The giraffe must get up at six in the morning if it wants
to have its breakfast in its stomach by nine." -Samuel Butler

Perhaps that strategy works well for giraffes, but we're not
sure it was meant for human beings.  Six in the morning is an
ungodly hour to drag yourself out of bed, especially when you
managed to crawl into it only three or four hours earlier!

It's true that early mornings can be quiet and peaceful.  The
chores don't have to be started yet, and the children are still
sleeping.  The solitude allows you to think your own thoughts,
assuming that you have any this early in the morning!  And it's
wonderful to have some extra time to ease yourself into the day.

There are those of us, however, who simply "don't do mornings,"
no matter what.

Everyone has their own biological time clock, a system that
controls daily cycles of energy and mental acuity.  For many
people, these daily rhythms break-down roughly into five time
periods: 9 A.M.-12 noon, high gear; 12-4 P.M., moderate
alertness; 4-6 P.M., low gear; 6-10 P.M., nearly comatose; 10
P.M.- morning, rest/sleep.  Your biological clock may well be set
differently.  Many ADDers don't really wake up until ten or
eleven in the morning, perhaps hitting peak performance sometime
between 10 P.M.  and 2 A.M.  They don't call us night owls for
nothing!

A Way Around It - Before you can think about changing your
daily schedule to fit your biological rhythms, you must determine
how your personal performance time clock operates.  Take a little
unscientific test.  Try doing a cognitive task, like a
challenging crossword puzzle, in the morning and again in the
evening.  When do you seem to have a greater supply of mental
fuel?  When are you more clearheaded?  Similarly, take a brisk
five-minute walk in the morning and evening.  At which time do
you feel more invigorated ...  or exhausted?

*****

"He pasted picture postcards around goldfish bowls to make
the goldfish think they were going places." -Fred Allen

What a kind gesture-creating a pleasant environment for
one's fish!  This could also be an effective anti-boredorn
technique, I suppose.  And how about procrastination?  Sorry I let
the car's registration expire ...  I was just too busy
redecorating the fishbowl!

I've engaged in similar behavior during what used to be my
twice-weekly office reorganizing sessions.  I vividly remember
Kate's consternation at discovering me on my hands and knees
painting my desk gray with red polka dots.  (I was supposed to be
editing our first book.)  At the time, my actions seemed
completely logical to me: I couldn't start working until my
environment felt right.  Of course, when the painting was
finished, I simply had to improve my desktop organization and
attack my files, which involved trying out a new system every few
days.  I took color coding to a new level of complexity.  Red,
yellow, blue, and green file folders weren't enough, so I'd color
manila folders with markers, resulting in a filing system divided
into twelve or fifteen different categories.  Confusion reigned
supreme as I racked my brain, trying to remember such a
complicated and ever-evolving system.  Not a problem, however I'd simply invent an indexing system on a sheet of paper to
manage my filing system!  And so it went, one system replaced by
another equally unusable one.  At least I didn't repaint the
desk; it's still gray with red polka dots.

A Way Around It - It is important to create a pleasant work
environment.  Painting a wall in a bright, cheerful color or
hanging inspirational posters can provide ongoing encouragement.
And it is equally important to replace a Paper Pile Procedure
with a more efficient filing system.  Just don't go overboard or
what you'll really be doing is procrastinating.  Aim for
simplicity in designing your work environment, keeping your
efforts firmly focused on your goal-improved productivity.  -P.R.

"I have a microwave fireplace.  You can lay down in front of
the fire all night in eight minutes." -Stephen Wright

This quote seems to capture the reality of life in the late
twentieth century.  We seem to spend our lives hurrying up the
pace of our lives!  Mail can be sent in milliseconds through
cyberspace all around the world.  Dinner is prepared in minutes
in our microwave ovens.  Cross-country travel can be accomplished
in a few hours.  Think about the technological breakthroughs of
recent years.  Virtually all of them have been designed to
increase the speed with which we can accomplish various life
endeavors.

With the ability to do so many things so much more quickly
than in the past, we should be enjoying the extra time that
technology has freed up for us.  But that's not what has really
happened, is it?  If anything, we feel more frazzled than before
because we just keep filling in the newly available time with
more to-dos.  We may have changed the equation, but we have
little to show for it except an ever-growing feeling that we
should be doing more, not less.  If you are carefully scheduling
your days and still feeling out of control, you may be focusing
on details at the expense of the larger picture of your life.

A Way Around It - It may be time to do some values
clarification.  To refine your thinking, try this exercise.
Imagine yourself ten years from now, describing your life as you
wish it to be.  Think about all five areas of life's goals:
spiritual, family/relationships, mental/educational,
social/recreational, and financial.  What do you want to be
remembered for; what kind of parent, friend, or spouse do you
want to be; what's really important to you?  Focusing on these
life goals may help you to reduce the insignificant to-dos in
your daily life, resulting in more quality time for yourself.

CHAPTER 8
Learning and Memory

When we think of learning, we often equate it with academic
education - the operations we learned in math courses and the
names, dates, and places we memorized, or were supposed to
memorize(!) in various courses throughout our years in school.

This is a limited view, however, of learning and its integrally
related partner, memory.  Learning isn't merely a collection of
information.  It is, instead, a realization of something that
actually changes behavior, either internally or externally or
both.  All our thoughts and the actions that follow are learned.
This includes specific knowledge as well as habits, defense
mechanisms, social conventions, communication skills,
problem-solving techniques ...  ad infinitum.  Everything that is
learned can be unlearned, although unlearning, say, a bad habit,
is actually more effortful than learning it in the first place,
because each time we focus on the unwanted behavior, we
unknowingly reinforce it.

Anything that is noted is learned when attention is focused
long enough to be stored in memory.  Thus, attention, memory, and
learning are all essential components of an interrelated
operational system.  When we learn something, what we've done is
manage to transfer what we've noted to the storage vaults of
long-term memory.  This can be a difficult process, given the
ADDer's tendency to jump impulsively from one thing to another.
If the learning process begins with erratic attention to details,
it follows that the quality of learning, i.e., memory, will be
negatively affected.  When we say that we've forgotten something,
what we're actually saying is that we never adequately learned it
in the first place.  We may have attended to something, but not
long enough or carefully enough for it to register in our brains.

So, our learning problems are our memory problems, which are our
learning problems ...  well, you probably get the picture.

Learning and memory difficulties seem to plague many of us,
the symptom of distractibility playing a major role in them.  The
fact is, however, that everyone has varied strengths and
weaknesses regarding individual differences in learning and
memory capacities.  Clearly, innate intelligence - the venerable
IQ - plays a part, but as pioneers like Howard Gardner postulate,
there are many more kinds of intelligences than those of
performance and verbal skills measured by standardized IQ tests.
Gardner submits that human beings have seven different learning
modes, his theory of "multiple intelligences" encompassing
logical/mathematical, verbal/linguistic, visual/spatial,
intrapersonal/interpersonal, body/kinesthetic, and
musical/rhythmic.

In addition, researcher Dr.  Anthony E Gregorc has identified
four types of Mindstyles, each with its own specific
characteristics, strengths, limitations, and frustrations:
concrete sequential, abstract sequential, concrete random, and
abstract random.  And from the professional circle of education
specialists comes a parallel theory that each of us has a
preferred sensory teaming channel or unique combination thereof:
visual, auditory, kinesthetic/haptic (relating to the sense of
touch), or multisensory.  And then there's the perhaps
better-known right brain/left brain theory of learning that
originated with the Nobel Prize-winning work of Roger Sperry of
the California Institute of Technology.  Sperry, along with
Robert Ornstein, famed for his work on brain waves and
specialization of brain functions, discovered that each of the
two hemispheres of the brain - the left and right cortices deals with different types of mental activity.  Although a
complete examination of these fascinating emerging theories of
memory and learning is beyond the scope of this book, suffice it
to say that whatever your long-standing beliefs about your
ability - or inability - to learn and remember, they are probably
incomplete and overly critical.

Perhaps the most accurate way to characterize our respective
learning and memory capacities is to identify and describe our
weaknesses as areas of potential that have not yet been nourished
and our strengths as those we have already successfully
developed.  This will be the underlying "philosophy" of the
following section of this book as we contemplate the mystery of
the biocomputer that is the brain, exploring and honoring the
unique differences and often untapped and unrecognized talents of
us ADDers.

*****

"Get to know what it is you don't know as fast as you can."

Robert Heller

One problem with accomplishing this is that those of us with
ADD have a lifelong pattern of hiding what we don't know from
those around us.  We spend our lives surrounded by people who
seem to know it all and to be in perfect control of every
situation.  On one level, we are aware that those people are just
wearing a mask of competence; nobody has it all together.  But
those facades fool us nonetheless, causing us to doubt ourselves,
and making it difficult for us to admit that we need to learn.

It has been hard for me to be honest about the many things I
don't know without feeling bad about myself.  I began by telling
a supportive person about some of the little things I never
learned, and asking them to help me learn the skills - tasks such
as mopping the floor, doing the laundry, and ironing my clothes.
The person who taught me was patient and didn't make me feel like
an idiot because I was all grown up and still didn't know how to
do these things.  Having a positive learning experience enabled
me, step by step, to begin admitting to many of the other skills
I needed to learn.

A Way Around It - Take an inventory of yourself, considering
honestly what you know, what you don't know, and what you think
is necessary for you to learn.  Pay little attention to the quote
at the top of the page; it was just a jumping-off place for my
thoughts.  The process of assessing your knowledge and skill gaps
and then remediating them can't be done quickly.  It takes time.
Most likely you will be learning little bits and pieces as you go
along.  Remember that the first step is finding the courage to
admit that you don't know a lot of the things you think you
should already have learned.  -D.S L.

*****

"There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it
over." -John Meckinian

We've heard this one all too often from parents, teachers,
and bosses: "If you would only take the time to do it right in
the first place, you wouldn't have to do it over." The problem is
that ADDults often need a lot of repetition in order to learn.
Now, I don't know about you, but it has always been hard for me
to do the same tasks over and over until I get them right.  I
feel dumb because everyone else seems to be able to learn a skill
after only one or two attempts.

To cover up my feelings of inadequacy, I have often faked my
way through a task, knowing that I wasn't doing it quite right,
but afraid of taking the time to really master it because I
thought other people would not respect me if they saw that I
wasn't up to speed.  These days I am working hard to stop
belittling myself because I learn differently.  I know I deserve
the right to learn and perform in my way, at my own pace.

A Way Around It - Doing your personal best should be your
guiding rule, not the amount of time or number of repetitions
required for the learning process.  Look for small indicators of
progress as you work at gaining a new skill.  With each
repetition, focus on the improvements you have made since the
last attempt, instead of the mistakes.  -D.S L.

*****

"He who is afraid of asking is afraid of learning." -Danish
proverb

When I talk with ADD teens about school and the information
presented in class, I find that there are usually huge gaps in
their understanding.  The responses to my initial question - "Why
didn't you ask the teacher to explain it to you again?" - are
typically, "The teacher doesn't like me," or "I'm afraid of
getting in trouble again." Part of me gets a bit irritated by
these comments, knowing that they accomplish nothing but getting
in the way of learning.  Much as I want to impart my greater
wisdom about the importance of taking responsibility for one's
own learning, I usually manage to resist the urge to preach.
Because the truth is, I understand exactly how these teens feel.
I recognize the comments for what they are - excuses.  The same
kinds of excuses I made during those long years of trying to
learn in school ...  and failing again and again.  The only
difference between those students and me is that they lack the
decades of painful experiences that have taught me that making
excuses - assigning blame to others - just gets in the way of my
own learning.

Though I know intellectually that asking for help is
essential to the learning process, I don't always practice what I
preach.  Putting lofty principles into practice is often easier
contemplated than accomplished.  I confess that I am still afraid
of asking questions when I don't understand something, especially
in the workplace.  The issue of disclosure is a real dilemma - if
I stop faking it, I and my ADD might be found out.  In spite of
recent advances regarding the rights of employees with
disabilities, I know that many of us ADDers continue to feel
hesitant about doing anything that might reveal our disability to
employers.  We are afraid of losing our jobs, getting passed over
for promotions, or being reassigned to simple, mindless,
repetitious tasks.  And, regrettably, provisions of the Americans
with Disabilities Act notwithstanding, the decision to disclose
one's ADD continues to be one fraught with frightening unknowns.

A Way Around It - Fear is a natural human response, but it
can seriously interfere with the learning process.  In addition,
trying to hide your weaknesses from an employer won't work for
long.  Even if you choose not to disclose your ADD, it is still
better to admit your learning gaps as you demonstrate your
willingness to work at gaining the requisite skills.  You will
gain points with your employer if you wait until he or she is
finished talking before politely asking your questions and
sticking to the current topic.  Taking detailed notes can also
save both you and your employer from the ordeal of endlessly
repeating the same questions and answers.  -D.S L.

*****

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I'll waste
no time in reading it." -Anonymous

Many of our friends and acquaintances have been harboring a
guilty secret: They confess that they've never quite gotten
around to reading You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!  They
know they have ADD and are quite sure that the book would be
helpful.  "If only I could bring myself to sit down and actually
read the darn thing," the ADDer says somewhat apologetically.  As
if this seeming lack of interest is offensive!  It's not.  Not
even a little.  It also evokes not the slightest surprise.
Having ADD means having many unfinished tasks, some of which
never even get started!  And it means that those that are somehow
finished are typically completed much later than intended or
desired.

On top of that, many an adult with ADD would rather endure
unimaginable physical torture than submit to the ordeal of
reading a book.  Unfortunately, we ADDers have absorbed the
erroneous message that reading quickly and well is an indicator
of one's intelligence.  But reading is simply one of several
channels that convey information to the brain.  Listening to
tapes, watching videos, or learning experientially are equally
valuable tools for expanding our knowledge.

A Way Around It - Stop beating yourself up if you're not a
great reader.  Do try to exercise your brain and strengthen your
skills by reading at least occasionally.  For the most part,
though, find, strengthen, and use your strongest learning
channels, whatever they are.

*****

"The left hemisphere became the one to have if you were
having only one." -Howard Gardner

Actually, this left brain/right brain business is an
inaccurate and incomplete method for describing the working of
individual minds.  Nobody is a completely concrete, linear (leftbrain) or abstract, creative (right-brain) learner.  People
simply have stronger tendencies toward one of these two thinking
styles, and everyone uses both for certain tasks.  It is true,
though, that those who tend toward the right hemisphere, which
many ADDers do, seem to be disadvantaged in our society.

Folks who "lean to the left" have a sequential, orderly
thinking style that provides a good fit with many of the demands
of both the academic and work worlds.  Society at large values
the strengths of this thinking style, frequently rewarding "left
brainers" with well-paying jobs and stellar academic careers.

That the largely abstract, creative right-brain style is less
valued is evidenced by our culture's not-so-great track record at
supporting the arts and by such things as school boards' fiscal
policies in their regard: Art and music courses are frills, the
first courses to be cut when money gets tight.  And parents
aren't immune from "leaning left," traditionally breathing a sigh
of relief when Junior chooses the safer, more socially acceptable
occupation of accounting, education, business, or medicine rather
than the elusive and less financially secure professional life of
a writer, actor, or musician.

The fact is, though, that the world has changed radically in
recent years.  No vocation is safe from the ravages of
downsizing.  Entire categories of jobs are becoming obsolete
overnight, victims of the massive upheavals that accompany the
shift from an industrial society to the information age.  The
final result of this painful transition, however, may be freedom
from excessive left-brain thinking.  If there is no longer any
job security, we may opt for riskier routes, ones that nurture
the souls of us free-wheeling thinkers rather than stifling them.

A Way Around It - Look for balance as you organize your
lifestyle.  Prepare yourself by developing a set of skills
valuable in a variety of work settings, such as computer literacy
and an effective communication style.  Exercise the muscles of
your less dominant hemisphere.  For example, if your lifestyle
leans strongly toward the chaotic and creative, become involved
in a hobby or activity that is structured.  If you have leaned
too far in the other direction, loosen up a bit by trying some
activities that require improvisation.

*****

"When I first went into the active army, you could tell
someone to move a chair across the room - now you have to tell
him why." -Maj.  Robert Lembke

We can relate to the frustrations experienced by both
parties in this type of transaction.  With our short ADD fuses,
it takes all of our patience to give step-by-step instructions
without having to explain the whys, too.  It is especially
difficult if one has to do it more than once or very slowly.
When we have been in teaching positions, for example, each of us
has found ourself getting very irritable when carefully planned
lectures were interrupted by students' questions.

In spite of our own need to know the reason behind
directions, we don't want to deal with the same curiosity in
others.  Their questions just get in the way of our goals.  We
realize, though, that a manner too brisk or brusque won't gain
the cooperation of others any more than it does ours.  It's a new
world out there, and barking commands just doesn't work.  Not
that we ADDers ever responded well to orders in the first place.

A Way Around It - When you find yourself getting irritated
at having to repeat instructions, take a deep breath, count to
ten if you need to, and remember what it feels like to be told to
do something without explanation.  You may even save yourself a
few repetitions by exercising patience.

*****

"Our memories are card indexes consulted, and then put back
in disorder by authorities whom we do not control." -Cyril
Connolly

Yes, our memories are slippery and rebellious things, like
toddlers who lead us on a merry chase, laughing in glee as they
give us the slip.  When we go on a mission up there in our heads,
hell-bent on retrieving some fact or stored experience, the
filing system becomes incomprehensible.  The vast jumble of stuff
simply overwhelms us.  And the harder we try, the more confusing
and frustrating it gets.

Sometimes one can actually consult one's memory.  But more
often than not, it is quite obvious that we are not in charge of
the process.  For example, strange and irrelevant thoughts
intrude at the darnedest times.  They make us wonder where so
much junk comes from and why it has to hang around cluttering up
our minds.  The problem is, we can't just decide what to keep and
what to throw away.  Even then we need the courage to pitch the
garbage.  Someone should develop an efficient method of mental
hygiene and market it.  They would definitely make a bundle.

A Way Around It - Resist the tendency to use overzealous
memory aids and systems.  There will always be disorder up there.

Compulsive attempts to clean and straighten will only waste your
time and make you cranky.  However, do devise your own methods to
remember appointments and the people's names, for the sake of
civility.  But don't sweat small stuff.  Keep in mind that if you
try to grab at a memory, it will almost always disappear.  But if
you give it a rest, it often floats to the surface.

*****

"I think I committed the ADD faux pas of the century.  My
husband's sister died and her husband called with the bad news
Two days later, I remembered the message I had forgotten to write
down, and I had to figure out a way to had died a tell my husband
that, by the way, his sister couple of days ago." -M.  J.  Johnson

This really happened to our dear friend M.  J.  The reactions
of those hearing the story have been interesting and mixed.
Folks with ADD laugh, nodding in recognition that "there but for
the grace of God go I." Those with little or no understanding of
ADD are shocked, both by the accompanying laughter of ADDers and
by the incident itself.  How could this woman possibly forget
something of such great import?  they wonder.

But we ADDers know all too well how something like this can
happen.  Our problems with memory are often serious and
debilitating.  It is a fact that strong emotions help to fix
events in the memory.  This is true for everyone but is even more
critical for people with ADD, whose erratic attention creates
recall problems.  Without a close relationship and deep
connection to her sister-in-law, M.  J.  likely lacked the highly
charged emotional anchor needed to secure the information in
long-term memory.  Further, any number of concurring experiences
may well have been competing for her attention and capacity to
remember.  It wasn't a failure of caring enough on her part; it
was the way the ADD mind works.

A Way Around It - Forgive yourself your trespasses related
to memory, but do come up with a way to compensate for this
deficiency.  Do not rely on your memory alone when it comes to
relaying important messages.  Instead, take the time to write the
information down, placing the note where it will be seen.  Or use
one of the new recording devices.  They're small, inexpensive, and
convenient.  Make a habit of listening to your recorded message,
at least daily,

*****

"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious in algebra.
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." Fran Lebowitz

In general, I agree with this point of view.  There are so
many elements in our schools' curricula that make little or no
sense.  Take cursive writing, for example.  My handwriting is much
worse than any physician's scrawl I ever saw, yet it hasn't
hampered me in any important way.  To tell you the truth, once I
got past the nuns in elementary school, I gave up cursive writing
for good.  I knew that I would never get any better at it, and so
I didn't see any point in cramping my hand and my brain anymore.

Thanks to the invention of word processing, you can get by
just fine as long as you can manage to scribble your signature on
important documents, such as checks.  Or print legibly and
quickly enough to read your own handwriting when you take notes
in class.  Of course, you can bypass that one by recording the
lecture.

As far as the algebra goes, I found that there really was a
practical use for the darn stuff.  In nursing, we use algebra
daily to make calculations related to medication doses - not
something you want to be casual about.  They won't let you out of
nursing school without solid skills in algebra.  My basic point
is that everyone does not need the same set of skills, and if
someone needs or wants a skill badly enough, motivation can
overcome a handicap.

A Way Around It - If a requirement for a degree or program
seems irrelevant, question it.  You may not get immediate action
- in fact, you probably won't.  And you also may discover that
there is actually a purpose behind it.  If it really isn't
necessary, a large chorus of voices saying the same thing can
eventually effect change.  -K.  K.

*****

"For every person wishing to teach, there are thirty not
wanting to be taught." -Anonymous

Let's see here.  Does this mean that students are the bad
guys, making it impossible for instructors to teach them
anything?  Does it mean that teachers are the villains, turning
eager students into unwilling, unenthusiastic learners?  Or does
it mean both?  The correct answer is: none of the above!  The
problem probably doesn't lie with the teacher or the student but
in the method used to get the job done: the lecture!  Few learn
well, regardless of whether or not they have ADD, by listening to
the dull drone of a teacher, but many teachers think they have to
do it this way because it's the way they were taught to teach.
Unfortunately, with the lecture method, the learner is primarily
engaged in an endurance contest, trying to stay awake, quiet, and
still, the only stimulation coming from the irritant of the
teacher's drone.  Having been on the other side of the lectern, we
confess that as teachers and workshop presenters, we have often
bored ourselves silly reciting from canned lecture notes - but we
are mending our ways!

A Way Around It - Listen to that inner voice telling you
that this lecture business is hogwash.  Refuse to teach or be
taught by these archaic methods, and insist on your right to be
an active participant in the learning process.

*****

"You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally
to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools
the regular way.  As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that
led me into my present vocation in life - comedy." -Neil Simon

Another nail in the coffin of these standardized tests people getting honorary degrees for excelling in at least one
field.  It doesn't matter that they couldn't jump through the
hoop of a paper-and-pencil test.  I know these tests are a scam
because I am one of those people who perform brilliantly on them.

And my high scores have nothing to do with my grasp of the
subject matter, diligent study, or ability to actually do
anything in the area being tested.  I just have a gift for taking
those tests - a gift that has saved my behind more than once.

My SAT scores got me a provisional acceptance to college,
for instance, when my grades were pretty much in the toilet.  Of
course, I had to work hard playing catch-up and learning to
function in a more practical sense.  I also did learn how to get
good grades eventually.

Those As were nice, but they didn't help me organize my
hospital work as a nursing student.  I discovered that many of
the students who struggled with tests were wonderful nurses, much
better than I was.  The tests were only a ticket of admission and
a prop for a fragile self-esteem during those times when the
real-life tests were overwhelming.  I did finally master the
practical skills in nursing school, with the patient help of an
instructor who saw past the high marks to the frightened person
inside.

A Way Around It - Refuse to measure your worth by the
yardstick of test scores.  They are less than meaningless.  But
don't look a gift horse in the mouth, either, if you happen to be
one of those people who can ace them.  As ADDers, we need all the
help we can get.  In the meantime, become an activist in the
fight to obtain a more useful and just way to measure
achievement, academic or otherwise.  -K.K.

*****

"I love computers, but I wish that my entire computerized
record- keeping and appointment setup at my HMO, and in general,
would flag my accounts with WARNING!  ADD: THIS PERSON NEEDS
EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS AND EXTRA REMINDERS." -Julia Smith-Ruetz

And so do we.  It is so humiliating to have to ask for the
same information for the tenth time.  In all fairness, in many
cases it isn't our fault, because the information is incomplete
to begin with.  This is especially true when it comes to our
health care system, supposedly one of the best in the world.  We
know there are many competent and caring health care
professionals who are just as frustrated by bureaucratic snafus
as the consumer who is caught up in those glitches.

If the system is a chaotic mess difficult to navigate even
for those armed with information and savvy, you can imagine how
hard it becomes when you have ADD gumming up the works.  You
forget that appointment it took you weeks or months to make.  And
you are frustrated by the rules, such as the one requiring
monthly prescriptions for stimulant medication,.  You have enough
trouble remembering to take the darn stuff to begin with.  Is it
really necessary to have to run the gauntlet every month on top
of it?  First, the round of phone tag with your doctor to get a
refill.  Then he or she forgets to note that you can't take
generic Ritalin.  And then your HMO says that your doctor has to
prescribe the generic, to cut costs.  And around and around you
go.  Every single month!

A Way Around It - Arm yourself with as much information as
you can.  Realize that the health care system is chaotic and
confusing territory for everyone, even the professionals who work
within it.  Try to find doctors and pharmacists you can trust to
help you circumvent the problems whenever possible.  And
remember, although it may be a difficult act to pull off, a
smiling, assertive manner will go much further than an impatient,
hostile one.

*****

"But my answer's not the right one

Though I did my very best,

For overnight, they changed the rules

I studied for the test." -Peter S.  Latham

It seems as if the rules are always changing.  All the
rules, not just the ones for those paper-and-pencil tests.  So,
for those of us with ADD, the area of social behavior is a
minefield.  But nobody knows how to behave anymore.  Leaders from
all fields, along with the man or woman on the street, hotly
debate the issue of what it means to "do the right thing." Even
Emily Post would be confused in this environment.  There is no
gold standard for behavior anymore.

Those old books on wedding etiquette, for example, don't
have any guidelines for including the bride and groom's new baby
in the ceremony.  And they offer no help to anyone in charge of
planning a same-sex wedding.  Even getting dressed is an ordeal,
whatever the occasion.  Casual dress means just about anything
and everything, so no matter how carefully you plan your outfit
to blend in with the crowd, you may end up sticking out like a
sore thumb.  So how are we with ADD to negotiate in such a
chaotic environment?  We have trouble enough with simple and
clear-cut rules.

A Way Around It - It is okay to be different, as long as you
don't trample on others' rights or feelings in so doing.  Just
because the rules of "proper" behavior are up for grabs doesn't
mean that the rules of "caring" behavior need to go out of style,
too.  Etiquette was invented to help people treat each other with
kindness and respect.  Let us make that our new gold standard.

*****

"I don't remember anybody's name.  Why do you think the
'dahling' thing started?" -Zsa Zsa Gabor

The ADD memory is a tricky thing.  We all suffer from some
form of memory impairment, but it takes a different form in each
of us.  Some of us can't remember names, while others forget
phone numbers, sometimes even our own.  To complicate things
further, the things we are good at remembering tend to fade in
and out without warning.

Take the name problem, for example.  We can be perfectly
adequate at remembering names, until the pressure is on at a
formal social occasion, when we find ourselves groping for a name
that refuses to rise to the tip of the tongue - especially when
the person we are supposed to introduce is the boss's wife, or
our neighbor of twenty years.

There are as many quirky memory glitches as there are people
on the planet, but it does seem that the name problem causes the
most guilt and embarrassment, because most people assume erroneously - that forgetting a name is a sign that you don't
value the person whose name you have forgotten.  In reality,
though, one may remember many details about another person and
still have trouble recalling their name.

A Way Around It - Calling someone "dahling" or "honey" or
even "yo" is one way to handle the elusive name problem, but that
strategy will ultimately backfire.  Most people feel that they are
not very important or unique when addressed in this fashion.
It's much better simply to fess up to your memory problem.  Also,
you will have a better chance of being forgiven if you manage to
slip some flattering details you have remembered about that
person into the conversation.

*****

"You cannot make a crab walk straight." -Aristophanes

Trying to force a crab to walk straight makes as much sense
as trying to force someone to learn.  Unfortunately, that's
exactly what goes on in too many classrooms, where teachers give
lectures to students who are expected to learn by absorbing the
pearls of wisdom falling from those instructors' mouths.

Many of us spent years in classrooms like these, our
education consisting of little more than daily exercises in
memorization.  It wouldn't be fair, however, to blame the
teachers; some were dedicated educators in the best sense of the
word.  The educational system simply wasn't designed for students
unable to learn by listening.  It definitely wasn't prepared to
handle the special needs of students such as us.

Remember that the academic failure you may have experienced
wasn't because you were lazy, stupid, or crazy - it was the
result of a disorder you didn't know you had.  So if you are
considering going back to school, don't let your past experiences
stop you.  You know about your ADD now and are learning
strategies to manage the symptoms that had created obstacles to
your academic success.  And there's something else to keep in
mind.  As an ADDult, you don't have to accept educational
mediocrity, sitting idly by while an instructor engages in the
"force a crab to walk straight" teaching model.  You have a voice
and can advocate for your right to learn in the way that works
best for you.

A Way Around It - Each of us has a natural learning style a preferred way of thinking, remembering, and learning.  Figure
out what your style is - do you learn best by seeing?  hearing?

doing?  All three together?  Then experiment with various
strategies that work well for the kind of learner you are.  You
don't have to invent them.  There are many excellent books loaded
with tips and tricks for different learning styles.

*****

"Follow the rules of holes: If you are in one, stop
digging." Dennis Healy

Habits are behavioral patterns that, with time and use, have
become automatic.  Golfers and tennis players refer to their
learned stroking techniques as grooves.  As on a record, an
ever-deepening groove is made in the motor memory brain cells
each time a particular action is performed.  After a while, the
groove becomes sufficiently deep that the record player's needle,
as it were, falls into it automatically.  And voila!  - habits are
created.  Good ones ...  and bad ones.

Popular wisdom tells us that if you've learned a "bad"
habit, you ought to be able simply to unlearn it.  Just because a
notion is popular, however, doesn't mean it is necessarily wise.
Think about it - how is it possible just to erase those deeply
etched grooves, in a record or in the brain?

Most of us have bad habits we have tried to break.  But the
harder we try to break the habit through sheer willpower, the
worse it gets.  We become so focused on the behavior we're trying
to change that we become obsessed with it, never considering that
there are other behaviors we could substitute for it.  That's the
Catch-22 of Habits and Murphy's Law of Holes: Trying to dig
yourself out of a hole just makes a bigger hole and a more deeply
entrenched habit!

A Way Around It - Babies don't break their habit of crawling
when they learn to walk.  They simply leave one learned behavior
behind, replacing it with another that gets them where they're
going faster!  Rather than pitching a headlong battle against an
old habit, choose a replacement for it instead.  Why work so
hard at unlearning a response, beating yourself up about your
lack of willpower, when it's more effective to substitute a new
behavioral pattern?

CHAPTER 9
Stress

For ADDers, stress is both the great motivator and the great
enemy.  A little bit of it, just the right amount, can give our
brain chemicals the extra juice they need to put our often
sluggish minds on alert.  Stress, however, becomes our foe when
it exerts too much force, pushing us into a mental red alert
zone, where the knee-jerk reactions of the fight or flight
response take over.

The fight or flight reaction is useful in some situations.

It was especially helpful when most of us lived in jungles or
caves, spending our time hunting for food and trying to avoid
being eaten by predators.  But, as pointed out by John-Roger and
Peter McWilliams in their book You Can't Afford the Luxury of a
Negative Thought, "In the past few hundred years - in the Western
world, at least - the need for the Fight or Flight response has,
for all practical purposes, disappeared."

Some of us, however, have become addicted to stress, using
it as a drug to keep our brains and bodies going long past the
point where they are screaming "uncle." Of course, some of the
stressful events and situations we encounter are not under our
control.  Other stressors, though, are the result of
out-of-control lifestyles that feed our addiction in insidious
ways.

When you are in the throes of a bad stress habit, it is hard
to tell the forest from the trees.  You become so accustomed to
reacting in emergency mode that you lose the habit of thinking
before taking action.  We fail to stop and ask such important
questions as "Is this my emergency or someone else's?" or "Can I
really do something about this problem?  If so, do I have to do it
right now?"

Another problem associated with chronic overuse of the fight
or flight response is that it really does a number on your body.
Most of the diseases that plague Western society are largely
stress induced.  In addition to all the specific health problems
created by chronic stress, it also wreaks havoc with your body's
feedback system.  In a healthy, functioning human body, messages
are sent to your brain from the other organs of your body,
letting you know how things are going down there.  Your stomach
signals that you are hungry, while your muscles inform you with
messages of discomfort when they have had enough.

The fight or flight response, however, is designed to
override the messages signaling pain, hunger, and fatigue.  It is
a handy feature, really, because it acts to marshal your body's
energy for a battle or a hasty retreat.  It is not helpful to be
consumed with a desire for fast food during a high-speed chase on
the highway, for example.  When you live your life in high-stress
mode, though, your feedback system stops working.  You no longer
know when you are hungry or in pain, because the messenger system
is just limping along, crippled with overuse.  Not only that, but
you have now forgotten how to attend to and read the signals that
do manage to reach your brain.

In this section, we are offering food for thought in regard
to your personal relationship with stress.  Are you a user, an
abuser, or have you slid over the line into addiction?  Of course,
we all need a little excitement now and then; a totally
stress-free existence is not desirable or attainable, at least
this side of the grave.  Your goal is to learn to assess and
monitor the stress level in your life, gradually reducing
stressors to obtain a healthier balance.

*****

"Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is
had to begin where he was." -R.  L.  Evans

How easy it is to become preoccupied with where we want to
be instead of where we are.  We look at all the successful,
happy, "normal" people out there and wish we were walking in
their shoes.  Or at least we think it would be a pretty good deal.

Without actually being able to crawl into someone else's life,
it's hard to tell if it is all that it seems to be.  The
happiness may be just an illusion, and the normalcy certainly is.

We have never met anyone who was entirely "normal"; have you?

As for success, when we view successful people, we are
seeing only the finished product, so to speak.  The hurdles they
jumped and the gritty struggles they went through are not in
evidence.  This makes it hard to visualize ourselves getting to
the same place.  The success thing becomes something magical,
hard to translate into everyday action, when you only see the
happily-ever-after part of the story.  In reality, every person
who ever distinguished themself had to take it one small step at
a time, hanging in there and dealing with many setbacks along the
way.

A Way Around It - The first step is accepting that where you
are now is okay.  You need your energy for setting and achieving
your goals.  Don't waste it yearning to be something you are not.

When you let go of the intense desire to be that ideal person in
your mind's eye, it can open the door to possibilities you never
imagined.

*****

"A smile is a curved line that sets things straight."

-Anonymous

Remembering to smile is important.  Nobody wants to hang
around with someone who projects nothing but worry, or gloom and
doom.  Even the chronically grumpy souls out there don't want to
spend a lot of time with people like themselves.  Life is filled
with stress, especially for those of us with ADD, but when we
focus too much on the problems and challenges confronting us
every day, we lose touch with important parts of ourselves.

When I first started to work on correcting my ADD behaviors,
my son said I resembled Mr.  Spock of Star Trek.  I became
computerlike, showing very little emotion.  He was right.  Because
I was watching everything I said and did so closely, I had
forgotten to smile.  I was working so hard at observing myself
that I lost the ability to feel and interact spontaneously with
others.  My son made me realize that I needed to lighten up, to
stop taking this ADD recovery business so deadly seriously.  I
was trying to attack my problems with too much vengeance,
thinking that I could make them vanish overnight if I just
concentrated hard enough.

A Way Around It - You can't transform yourself instantly.
But you can set small goals and work at them on a daily basis.
Pay attention to your stress level and the body language signals
you are sending out.  If your facial muscles are setting into a
frown of worry or concentration or your body is full of tension,
stop yourself.  Try to make a joke about your tendency to take
everything too seriously.  And smile.  It doesn't take that much
time or energy, and it helps ease everyone's tension.  -D.S L.

*****

"If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the
things you don't have that you didn't want." Anonymous

We carry many burdens that we never wanted or asked for:
people who don't understand us, employers who give us a hard
time, and spouses who drive us crazy with demands that we measure
up.  But it could be a lot worse.  Think of all the terrible
diseases and catastrophes that could happen - the ones you don't
have.  Not a subject for pleasant daydreaming, but it may help
put things in perspective.

ADD is not even close to what some people have to struggle
with, and we even come with a set of built-in blessings to work
with.  We have great imaginations and a zest for life.  We are
creative and able to figure out unique solutions to problems.
ADDults are usually fun to be with and willing to try new things
on a minute's notice.  These gifts can help us accept who we are
and what we have.

A Way Around It - Take a mental inventory of the blessings
in your life and write them down.  Put the list on your
refrigerator or on a wall where you will see it frequently.  If
you can't for the life of you come up with any positives, make a
list of all the horrible things you can imagine that you don't
have or that have never happened to you.  Whenever you find
yourself sinking into a negative frame of mind, read your list
for a quick pick-me-up.

*****

"Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections
must be first overcome." -Dr.  Samuel Johnson

We will always encounter obstacles when it comes to
realizing our dreams.  When we look at them all at once, it is
overwhelming.  How can we possibly work our way to a goal when we
have to bushwhack our way through all those problems and details
first?  That long history of failure does a spontaneous instant
replay in our heads when we encounter obstacles.  It can be
tempting to give up at the starting gate when we anticipate the
challenges and the energy-sapping fears that go along with them.

For that matter, everyday life is a challenge for us.  The
word challenge conjures up grand visions of climbing Mt.  Everest
or swimming the English Channel.  For learning-challenged adults,
keeping up with appointments, commitments, phone numbers, or
details is the psychological equivalent of trekking up that
daunting mountain.  We don't get any awards or positive press for
it, either.  Under the circumstances, it is all too easy to give
up, to succumb to bitterness and despair, to believe that life is
too hard for us to cope with, and spend our time ruminating about
the raw deal we were given.

A Way Around It - Don't forget that grand vision of
conquering some great challenge, your personal equivalent of
Everest.  But do keep it firmly in mind that this is a long-term
goal.  The strength to keep going comes from the small successes
of everyday life.  When the words "I can't" creep into your
thoughts, replace them with a new and better mantra, such as "I
haven't figured out how to do it yet, but I'm working on it and I
know I can do this."

*****

"Did you hear what the white rat said to the other white
rat?  ...  I've got that psychologist so well trained that every
time I ring the bell he brings me something to eat." -David
Mercer

Recalling this joke may help when you feel like a guinea
pig, when the people you are looking to for help seem to be
jerking you around and experimenting on you.  It is hard not to
feel that way, because at this stage of the game, the ADD thing
is a voyage into the unknown.  There are no experts.  None of us
knows enough, and we are all shooting in the dark.

But we don't want to lead you to despair.  It is possible to
participate in an experiment with a reasonable level of safety,
dignity, and input into the process.  And since there is always
some trial and error in each individual's treatment plan, you
should expect and demand that your helping professionals outline
the choices, including both risks and benefits.  They should
listen to your questions carefully and treat your knowledge and
ideas with the respect they deserve.

A Way Around It - Don't forget that you have the ultimate
control and the last say when it comes to your mind and body.
However, you don't want to control the entire process, because
then there would be no benefit in consulting someone else for
help.  Instead, strive to build balance and a partnership in your
relationships with helping professionals.

*****

"I can't play guitar and sing at the same time.  My brain
can't handle it.  I can't even play rhythm guitar and sing.  It's
hard enough for me to stay in tune just singing." -Frank Zappa

This sums up a big chunk of our experiences as ADDults.  And
as children with ADD as well.  In the past, however, the
inability to walk and chew gum at the same time was more obvious
to others.  With the increased awareness that came with
adolescence and young adulthood, we learned to hide our
disability and narrow our sights to avoid the confusion of
multitasking and the ensuing humiliation.

Many ADDers say they are great at multitasking, that that is
the only way they keep themselves awake and alert.  At home they
talk on the phone, cook a meal, and deal with the children's
battles at the same time.  At the office they thrive on working
at several projects simultaneously.  Now, this doesn't happen to
be the style that works for any of the three of us.  After years
of treatment and self, help, though, each of us is getting better
at this.  However, if one task or stressor too many is added,
performance starts to unravel.

A Way Around It - As you progress in your ADD recovery, test
and challenge your abilities from time to time.  Your capacity to
do more complicated tasks simultaneously should increase, but it
will not be an overnight phenomenon.  To avoid excessive stress
and public embarrassment, attempt new challenges in private, or
among good friends.

*****

"When I was a child what I wanted to be when I grew up was
an invalid." -Quentin Crisp

A strange and perhaps pathetic ambition, but it strikes a
chord.  During those times when many of us have felt shrunken to
almost nothing, beaten down by failure after failure, the wish to
give up and be taken care of was very strong.  Unconsciously, we
often magnified and extended minor illnesses in order to justify
a temporary retreat from life.  It may well be that our minds
actually pushed our bodies into illness some of those times.  No
one, including ourselves, knew or understood that our struggles
were with a real disability - ADD.  Being sick was the only
excuse many of us could use to escape the unbearable stress.

A Way Around It - Acknowledge the feelings of helplessness
and neediness that surface from time to time.  They may be more
intense when you have ADD, but they are just normal feelings that
all humans experience.  Don't be afraid to share them with a good
friend.  It's amazing how feelings lose their power to make you
ill, or control you, when you expose them to the light of day.

*****

"There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few
failures early in life." -T.  H.  Huxley

We agree wholeheartedly, having recognized the benefits of
early failure in our own lives.  After hitting rock bottom in
adolescence, we were forced to look at ourselves with a critical
eye.  It is only now, in adulthood, that we have made the
astonishing discovery that our spectacular sets of failures at
the starting gate had given us a leg up on a lot of "normal"
people.  We have watched many of them fall hard and stay down when
they hit new stress levels and feelings of loss at midlife.

Apparently, they hadn't learned the coping skills and didn't
have the self-knowledge we had already been forced to pick up
along the way.  It is somewhat surprising that many people don't
appear to do a self-assessment and then plan their lives as
carefully as so many ADDults have tried to do.  It seems to be a
necessity if one is to survive, but then many of us have had no
choice.

A Way Around It - Don't be afraid to take another look at
your youthful failures.  With your older and wiser eyes, they may
take on an entirely different color.  In fact, you may end up
feeling they were the best thing that ever happened to you.

*****

"There cannot be a crisis next week - my schedule is already
full." -Henry Kissinger

No matter how many times we try to organize our lives,
hoping to avoid living from one daily crisis to another, we never
seem to get it together.  We diligently use our personal
planners, creating "to-do" lists and scheduling activities, only
to discover at the end of the week that we haven't completed a
single item on the list.  It's particularly frustrating because
we know we haven't been sitting around doing nothing.  Well,
okay, maybe sometimes we have to plead guilty on that count.
Most of the time, though, we've been overwhelmed by busyness,
doing all sorts of things.  Too many things, in fact, and that
includes feeling anxious and stressed at the frantic pace of our
lives.  We end up believing that we will never feel in control.

Feeling like miserable failures as our to-do lists grow ever
longer, we respond by playing the hated game of "catch-up," often
skimping on sleep to borrow those extra hours.  The problem is
due partly to poor planning and impulsive decisions, but also to
our taking on the emergencies of friends and family members.
Even when the messes aren't ours to clean up in the first place,
we jump into "damage control mode," putting out fires and
lurching from one crisis to another.

A Way Around It - Stand in front of a mirror and practice
saying no, firmly and without hesitation.  Or better still, delay
your response until you've had time to think things through.
Crises are inevitable in your daily life: Handle the ones of your
own making but refuse to take on anyone else's.

*****

"If you have the determination to keep everlastingly at it,
you will attain success as well as a nervous breakdown." -Herbert
V.  Prochrow, Sr.

I'm not really sure what a nervous breakdown is, so I can't
say with certainty that I've ever had one.  I can, however, tell
you that I readily identify with the well-known words on a
T-shirt that read: I have only one nerve left ...  and you're
getting on it!  Having lived with frazzled nerves most of my life,
I feel that I'm an expert on the subject.

Come to think of it, lots of my ADD friends share this
expertise.  Not that this is the exclusive purview of ADDers.
Anxiety and frazzled nerves seem to have become the way of life
for many people as they juggle the details of ever-growing family
and work responsibilities.  But the ante is higher for us.  As
non-ADD peers climb ever higher on their respective ladders of
personal and professional success, many of us are reaching out
for the bottommost rung, desperately trying to pull ourselves up
to secure a toehold.  "Success" becomes our rallying cry as we
push ourselves harder and harder, determined to leave our
failures behind.

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that this system of
working oneself to near death worked for me ...  that is, until
I'd exhausted my resources of emotional and physical energy,
crashing and burning for many long months.  What a swell way to
experience the joy of success!

There's nothing wrong with persistence.  It's an admirable
quality.  But for many ADDers, it becomes plain old
bullheadedness - one of our less than sterling qualities!  Under
the best circumstances, maintaining a healthy balance in our
lives is difficult.  This becomes nearly impossible when we
demand of ourselves nothing less than perfection.  There's no
real joy in succeeding when the achievement exacts such a
tremendous price - lives thrown into total disequilibrium.

A Way Around It - Take some time for a reality check.  Are
you
being too hard on yourself, working to do some, thing you can't
or to be somebody you aren't?  If so, use your unique profile of
strengths and weaknesses as a guide before taking on new tasks.
Head off that impending nervous breakdown ...  and experience the
joy of success by staying away from endeavors that tax your
personal resources and waste your time.  Work instead from your
areas of strength, applying your efforts and talents to projects
you like and can do well.  -P.R.

*****

"Most of the time I don't have much fun.  The rest of the
time I don't have any fun at all." -Woody Allen

How about you?  Have you had any fun during the past few days
...  or weeks ...  or months?  If you have to rack your brain to
recall the last time you did something fun or begin reminiscing
about the wonderful summers of your childhood, it's time for you
to make some new memories!  Time?  Ah, yes ...  that's both the
problem and the solution, isn't it?

In many respects, having ADD makes us less "stress
resistant" than others.  We have to deal not only with the normal
wear and tear of daily life but also with our erratic nervous
systems and biochemistry.  So, even with the many demands on our
time, it is imperative that we find time to relax, exercise, and
"play."

A Way Around It - Don't think of fun as a luxury that costs
more time than you can afford.  Think of it as a prescription for
your improved physical and mental health.  Then brush up on your
time management skills, scrutinizing your daily and weekly
schedule, looking for time wasters.  Say no!  to tasks somebody
else thinks you should do, and delegate household
responsibilities when ever possible.

*****

"We experience moments absolutely free from worry.  These
brief respites are called panic." -Cullen Hightower

Did you know that the word worry comes from a Greek word
meaning "to divide the mind"?  A mind that is divided is torn,
anxious, and incapable of experiencing peace.  How can you ever
relax when your mind, without your permission, constantly
ruminates about the obstacles and problems in your life?  Fueled
by some added imaginative thinking, your worry can explode into a
state of fullblown panic.

Certainly there are things that merit your attention.

Concern for your family's safety, for example, may motivate you
to install smoke detectors in your home.  This is healthy
thinking, leading to productive, positive action - a far cry
from the paralyzing counter-productive worry about things you
cannot control.

The problem with worry is that, like a rocking chair, it
gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.  For
ADDers, worry can become a habit that frequently intrudes on our
thinking.  It is all too easy to get into the habit of worrying
when your life and self are so unpredictable.

A Way Around it - Although it's easy to understand how and
why we develop the worrying habit, using it as a coping strategy
is pointless.  When you catch yourself slipping into the worrying
mode, practice heading off that potential panic attack through
action.  If there is something concrete you can do to alleviate
your worry, such as installing those smoke detectors - do it.  If
there is nothing you can do, get involved in a mental or physical
activity to pull your focus and concentration away from fruitless
worrying.

*****

"For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the
universe." -Larry Eisenberg

It would be unfair to say that all ADDers are control
freaks.  But do you happen to know one or two?  A spouse, perhaps?

A child?  Yourself?  I admit to having a tendency or two in this
regard, as do my ADD spouse and my ADD son.  With three of the
four members of the Ramundo family trying to control things, my
daughter, Alison, often assumes the role of peacemaker.

There are several reasons for the ADDer's need for control.

Impulsivity makes us jump in, "directing traffic," so to speak,
with little thought to the ensuing confusion created when someone
else is also playing traffic cop.  Short fuses make us respond
angrily to decisions made for us with which we disagree.

Although some ADDers function best with high stimulation,
seemingly thriving on chaos, most of us don't.  Rather than
gaining a feeling of being in control, driving people and
situations to do things our way typically leaves us careening out
of control, feeling as if we are hanging precariously over the
guardrail at the edge of a precipice.

A Way Around It - Living with frazzled nerves in an
environment of constant turmoil is neither healthy nor pleasant.
If you would prefer living a more peaceful existence, you can.
The choice is yours to stop trying to do it all, to stop trying
to control every person and every situation within your little
"universe." Just let it go.

*****

"In the old days you waited patiently two hours for a
stagecoach but now you gripe if you miss the first section of a
revolving door." -Anonymous

It's probably safe to assume that not everyone waited
patiently for the stagecoach to arrive!  But clearly, the pace of
life is considerably faster now than it was in the "old days." It
seems that many people these days suffer from a kind of hurry
sickness - hurrying to the point that they really do get sick.

We might do better following the example of Mr.  William
Wellman's homing pigeon that was released in 1939 to compete in a
hundred-mile race.  It must have glided along at a very leisurely
pace, because it didn't return to its Cleveland home until 1949!

If all your time is spent doing, there is no time left for
being.  You miss the joys of being in the now, which is, you
know, the present - a gift you owe yourself.  It's hard to get
more than a passing whiff of the roses if you're charging past
them, on a mission to who knows where.

A Way Around It - Take time to just be, putting aside the
pressure to accomplish anything.  Take just five minutes out of
your busy schedule to look at a flower, walk barefoot through a
puddle, or watch the leaves blowing in the wind,

*****

"What is my loftiest ambition?  I've always wanted to throw
an egg into an electric fan." -Oliver Herford

This wouldn't be a terrific response to your prospective
boss's inquiry about your long-term career goals, but it does
sound like a lot of fun, doesn't it?  Sure, it would make quite a
mess.  But as a strategy for dealing with stress, it has real
possibilities, don't you think?

Stress is a serious problem for us ADDers.  We are bombarded
with sensory overstimulation pouring in through our faulty
filtering systems.  When we're faced with the added stressors of
everyday life, we can be pushed beyond our ability to cope.

Although a month's vacation on a deserted island might seem the
only remedy, there is a much less expensive way to obtain relief:
laughter.

Humor acts as a safety valve, releasing mounting emotional
pressures.  It can also be good medicine for healing the ailments
of the body.  Not a bad deal - something that costs nothing and
is available in limitless quantities!

A Way Around It - Dream up something outrageous to do.  And
you don't have to actually throw that egg into an electric fan to
enjoy the joke.  You can get a lot of humor mileage from a zany
idea merely by thinking about it.

*****

"Stress - that confusion created when the mind must override
the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some
idiot who desperately needs it." -T-shirt slogan

Let's be honest.  Most of us have made more than an
occasional judgment call regarding the idiocy of certain other
individuals, secretly relishing the thought of showing them the
error of their ways.  With great effort, however, we manage to or ought to!  - keep these thoughts to ourselves, refusing to give
in to the temptation of acting on them!

Stressors come in many forms, some human, some not.  A
torrential downpour on the day of the family reunion, a child's
fourth detention in a week, a computer that bombs, eating
important data - the list of stressors goes on and on.  With our
low tolerance for frustration, we tend to overreact to these
stressors, driving ourselves crazy with feelings of anger and
blame.  Of course, trying to prevent the circumstances that
create stress in your life has the same odds of success as
winning the million-dollar lottery.  Both are possible, but
unlikely.

A Way Around It - Careful planning certainly can help
forestall disaster, but it is impossible to control all the life
events that create stress.  This reality, however, doesn't render
you powerless.  Although you can't often change the circumstance,
you can change your response to it.  Faced with a stressful
event, you can use this knowledge for self-empowerment.  Ask
yourself, "Do I want to 'win' or do I want peace of mind?"

CHAPTER 10
ADD: A Disorder or an ADDed Dimension?

This final section is an unabashed celebration of all the
many good things about the ADD heart and mind.  Yes, we have
annoying habits at times, we make mistakes, and we even drive our
own selves crazy.  But does that make us nothing but a bunch of
losers?  Absolutely not!  What would the world do without the
dreamers, the inventors, the improvisers, and those with enough
courage to question the way things have always been done?  We are
those people, the pioneers who are not afraid to take the risks
that can lead to an untried but possibly better solution to a
problem.

Many of you may be wondering how this vision relates to the
reality of your daily lives.  "I'm not an inventor," you may say,
"and I don't think I've done anything earthshaking in my life.
I'm just an ordinary Joe/Jane, only trying to get through the day
most of the time."

And so are we all.  The great accomplishments in history
were nothing more or less than the rearrangement of ordinary
things and ideas.  They usually required the efforts of
multitudes of people over a long period of time.  Then, at the
right moment, some lucky person or group of people would have a
flash of insight that allowed them to see a common problem from a
totally different angle.  They were then hailed as great
creators, people who were in a class above us ordinary mortals.
In reality, they would be nothing without the contributions of
many unsung heroes.

We all have the capacity to create; the only difference is
that some people are more obvious about it.  Practice recognizing
and honoring your gifts, even if they are not applauded by the
rest of the world - at least, not yet.  Keep your big dreams
firmly fixed in your mind's eye, but begin with the stuff of your
everyday life.  If your child-rearing practices are a little
unorthodox, but they work, you qualify as a highly creative
person.  You don't have to hold a patent to be an inventor.
Those crazy but useful gadgets you produce to make life easier
around the house are the work of an inventive mind.  And the idea
for a new system for organizing work at the office is just as
creative as the efforts of a composer putting the notes together
to form a symphony.

*****

"Discovery is seeing what everybody else has seen, and
thinking what nobody else has thought." -Albert Szent-Gyorgi

Why does one person look at an event or situation and see
what ninety-nine others did not?  Some would say intelligence, or
sometimes just dumb luck, but perhaps free association is the
key.  One of the best things about having ADD is our ability to
free-fall in a cascade of seemingly unrelated thoughts and ideas.

Sometimes those ideas turn out to be just a pile of junk, noise,
and mind clutter.  At other times, though, we hit pay dirt, a
crazy collection of ideas gelling into a useful, unified concept.

Because our brains lack the usual controls on behavior and
thinking, we are less likely to put the brakes on our
imaginations.  Ideas constantly roll around in our heads.  It's
great fun letting our brains drift from one idea to the next
until we come up with some new angle or approach to a situation.
When we emerge from a brainstorm with a workable solution to a
problem, it is vindication for those times we were scolded for
doing too much "woolgathering."

A Way Around It - Don't be afraid to use free association
when you are trying to create something new or solve a problem.
It is the key to going beyond the "tried and true" in search of a
better way.  Do take the time, though, to get rid of the mind
junk, organizing your thoughts into a coherent presentation
before you share them.  Even if there is a gem amid that heap of
thoughts, it will be overlooked if others have to work too hard
to find it.

*****

"A pile of rocks ceases to be a rock pile when somebody
contemplates it with the idea of a cathedral in mind." -Antoine
de Saint-Exupgry

People with ADD seem to have a knack for envisioning a
cathedral when confronted with a pile of rocks, or for creating
something wonderful and useful from other people's junk piles.
For example, when I was about nine or ten, my ADD friend and I
built a series of weird but workable bikes from a pile of
discarded parts.  One of our creations was a tandem bike with
three wheels, made from bolting two bicycle frames together.

As an adult, I still find myself making stuff from something
less than the best of materials because I can't afford to do it
any other way.  It really aggravates me at times - that I'm still
hodgepodging many projects because of financial constraints.  But
when I take the time to really ponder this issue, I realize that
the need to make something out of almost nothing has honed my
creative skills.  I have had to learn to improvise and to change
both the direction and vision of many a project, lacking the
gear, drill bit, or miter box needed to construct something in a
conventional way.

A Way Around It - Don't sit around bemoaning your fate
because you are limited to working with what you have.  Look at
that pile of rocks and allow yourself to envision what it might
become.  Whether you are doing something concrete, such as
building a bike, or a task that is more abstract, view the limits
and obstacles as opportunities to exercise creative muscle.

-D.S.L.

*****

"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so
they would turn over by themselves." -W.  C.  Fields

Why do people put such negative labels on what is, after
all, initiative and ingenuity?  Was Edison a lazy slob because he
refused to accept the inconveniences of candles and gas lamps?

Even before he invented the lightbulb, he had no doubt figured
out a way to burn candles and lamps more efficiently.  Imagine
what our lives would be like had he listened to the scoffers of
his day, telling him that the status quo was okay.

We are big fans of anything that makes life easier.  For
example, are you a mediocre cook whose family would starve if it
were not for 1) your partner's cooking ability, 2) the prepared
foods at the supermarket, and 3) the microwave?  If so, take pride
in your ability to forage at the store for meals that require
little or no preparation but that look and taste like you've
spent time slaving away over a hot stove,

A Way Around It - Talk back to those stern and disapproving
voices from the past that scold in your head.  The cautions and
values handed down through the generations don't necessarily make
sense today.  Those old Puritans didn't know what they were
talking about.  If they were here today and could only give
themselves permission to question tradition, they might enjoy the
improvements that make life a little easier.

*****

"Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room,
flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all
directions." -Steven Leacock

The above quote is proof positive that ADD is not just the
disease du jour of the nineties.  It has been with us for a long
time.  Perhaps in the old days, however, it was much easier to
get away with it.  The bold and the restless took off for new
frontiers when the itchy "ants in the pants" feeling got too
intense.

For example, the United States and Australia were colonized
by the misfits of European society.  Some were felons or
indentured servants looking for a fresh start in life.  Others
were just unsettled souls thirsting for adventure or the freedom
that could not be found where they came from.  Then, when the
eastern settlements became too domesticated, it was time to "go
West," young men and women.  Maybe the apparent "explosion" of
ADD is related to the fact that there seem to be fewer new worlds
for pioneers to conquer.

A Way Around It - Our geographical frontiers may be fewer,
but there are still new worlds to conquer.  Our imagination is
limited only by the fetters we choose to put on it.  Look around.
There are still improvements to be made in this world we inhabit.
Find and fill a need that suits your talents and interests.

*****

"I decided to become an actor because I was failing in
school and I needed the credits." -Dustin Hoffman

Here's a good example of how failure can lead you down a
road that you never envisioned, but that turns out to be paved
with gold.  We know that academics are not the be-all and end-all.
There are plenty of excellent students who are fish out of water
once they leave school and try their hand at real life.  And many
brilliant entrepreneurs loathed school.  They either dropped out
or managed to pass by, relying on their wits and some luck.

Somehow, though, our school failures haunt us, overshadowing
our real accomplishments as adults.  Those old report cards stay
in our heads, even though they actually reside in a dusty part of
our parents' attic.  By the way, who said that being an actor was
a second-class profession anyway?  Performers work hard at their
craft; the ease with which they present their finished products
is deceiving.

In college, a couple of fraternity jocks joined an acting
class, thinking it would be easy credit.  They were astonished
and chagrined to find it was harder than any other course they
had taken.  Oddly enough, they turned out to be naturals at
acting, especially comedy.  Who knows if they actually did
anything with their talent after the course ended, but at least
they discovered a new side of themselves.

A Way Around It - Remind yourself frequently that academic
success is highly overrated.  It doesn't matter how well you did
in school; consider what you are doing now.  It doesn't have to
be anything earthshaking.  Just took for signs that you are
working hard, honoring your unique gifts and talents.

*****

"I have a sixth sense, but not the other five.  If I wasn't
making money, they'd put me away." -Red Skelton

In a concrete sense, this really rings a bell.  ADD wreaks
havoc with the brain in varied and subtle ways.  Our senses of
sight, touch, smell, taste, and hearing are all affected by the
disregulation.  And since these sensory channels are our means of
communication with the real world, it isn't surprising that our
connection with it is often full of static.  Many of us rely
strongly on the psychic and intuitive to guide us.  Perhaps a
strong sixth sense is a compensatory gift we've been given.  Or
perhaps we have learned to develop it, as a way to bypass
weaknesses.  Most likely, it's a bit of both.

A Way Around It - If the disturbances in your sensory
pathways are really getting in your way, consider sensory
integration training.  An occupational therapist is the
professional who can help you with this problem.  But don't
forget that your intuition is a valuable guide.  Give it at least
the same respect that you give to your other five senses.

*****

"Learn to praise the idiosyncrasies, the eccentricities, the
quirks and singularities of others.  It will help you to praise
your own." -John-Roger

As ADDers, we are both blessed and cursed with an abundance
of oddities.  There is little danger that any of us will become
faceless members of the herd.  Even if we strive so hard for
normalcy that we cripple our spirits, one of our quirks will
eventually surface and blow our cover of conformity.  Besides, we
don't really think that becoming one of the masses is a great
goal in life.  So why do we work toward it?  The origins of this
drive are obvious.  Most of us have experienced the tortures of
being outcasts, especially as children.  But the stakes are
different now.  They're much more in our favor, because grown-ups
are allowed to be a little odd or eccentric.  We say, let's learn
to honor those idiosyncrasies, the traits that make each of us
unique.

A Way Around It - Begin by looking for the endearing aspects
of others' quirks.  It is generally easier to study behavior as
an outside observer, at least in the beginning.  If you can learn
to accept and appreciate the foibles of others, it may be easier
to accept your own.

*****

"There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up
with the losers." -Robert Orban

Too many of us think of ourselves as less than losers.  But
think again.  What do we mean by winners and losers anyway?  That
person you admire with a great career and lots of money may be a
nasty tyrant at home.  He may end life alone and terrified,
realizing too late that you really "can't take it with you." The
woman who seems to have a perfectly organized life, with husband,
home, work, and children all in order, may be covering up a
joyless, soulless existence.  Perhaps we ADDers don't always
"climb the ladder of success" as high or as fast as we're
supposed to - at least according to societal expectations.  But
we aren't likely to be accused of lacking passion, humor, or a
sense of wonder.  We are well equipped to notice and receive the
gifts of the spirit.

A Way Around It - Fashion another yardstick for measuring
success: your personal definition of winning.  We'll give you the
Kelly/Ramundo definition from You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or
Crazy?!  for starters: "Success is achieved when you figure out
what you were born to do and fashion a lifestyle that enables you
to do it."

*****

"Why can't we sell parents on the 'possibility of finding a
genius in your child' instead of identifying a potential felon,
drug addict, alcoholic, future divorcee, and dunce?" -Robin Hood
Brians

Unfortunately, it seems that the media tend to focus on the
cases where people with ADD get into trouble with the law or
screw up in some fashion.  It's the ratings game, folks.  As long
as people want to watch that stuff, the people who earn their
living selling it will continue to produce the sensational
programs.

We don't mean to paint a totally gloomy picture, however.
There are those in the media who buck the trends, the bottom line
notwithstanding.  We have personally had the opportunity to
participate in some excellent programs, both on radio and
television.  These were balanced programs that presented ADDers
in a more positive light.  They told stories of successful people
with ADD and of people with ADD who struggle but still manage to
contribute to their communities.  These are the stories that need
more exposure.

A Way Around It - It is possible to do something about the
way we are portrayed in the media.  And you don't have to be a
network executive to have an impact, either.  For example, if
enough people protest the sensational shows, writing to express
their wishes regarding future media coverage, we will eventually
be heard.

*****

I don't use any method.  I'm from the let's pretend school
of acting." -Harrison Ford

Don't you wish more people would subscribe to this school for a lot of things in life.  In our society, we've forgotten our
childhoods, our days of make-believe and playfulness.  We have
even regimented our children's lives, with full schedules of
sports and lessons.  Instead of socializing ourselves, we take
classes to learn sophisticated techniques for doing various
activities.  Usually, we would have been better off on our own
because the methods often get in the way.

We become so busy concentrating on the "how" of doing
something that we forget its purpose.  In the process, we forget
to have fun, and the activity loses all its magic.  You know how
it works.  We take up golf or tennis because we think it will be
fun.  And before we know it, we are all caught up in concerns
about our game.  How well are we doing?  Is this the proper way to
do it?  In no time at all, the game becomes a deadly serious chore
if you don't watch out.

A Way Around It - Give yourself permission to loosen up and
allow your playful side to be a driving force in your activities.
Perhaps golf or tennis are not good choices for leisure time
activities if the rest of your life is highly structured, unless
you can play with people who don't take the whole thing so darn
seriously.  Kate and Peggy play tennis with a group of women we
laughingly refer to as the LD league.  Most of us actually do
have learning disabilities, but some of us are pretty good
anyway.  The main thing is that we are more interested in having a
good time, in sometimes fudging the rules and trading jokes over
the net, than we are in actually winning.

*****

I just invent, then wait until man comes around to needing
what I've invented." -R.  Buckminster Fuller

A futuristic vision often comes with the ADD territory.  We
are long on imagination, a characteristic that can take us on
fantastic voyages where no one else has gone before.  But what
can we do when the world is not ready for our art, or our new
product, or that idea that will revolutionize our field?

Well, this is an area where we can practice patience while
we wait for the demand to catch up to the supply.  Kate and Peggy
had to deal with this problem during the process of creating You
Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!  Here was this great idea
that we were convinced would translate into a surefire hit.
Nobody had written a self-help book for ADD adults yet, and we
knew that we could do the job.  Few people had heard about adult
ADD then, but we figured it would be big news by the time the
manuscript was completed.

To our chagrin, it didn't happen in quite that way.
Publishers initially rejected our proposals, saying they didn't
think there would be a big enough market for the book.  It was
finally self-published and then purchased by a major publisher.
But the process took years, many more than either of us had
bargained for.

A Way Around It - Don't expect the world to jump up and down
the first time you present your creations and ideas, but don't
give up either.  It will always take longer than you think it
will.  In the meantime, you will be more content if you have more
than one iron in the fire.  It is much easier to wait when you
have other projects to work on and other means of generating
income.

*****

"I used to think it was the people who were weird who were
weird, but then I figured out that it was the people who thought
they were weird, who were weird." -Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney once said that the album that influenced him
the greatest as a developing musician was the Beach Boys' Smiley
Smile, the most experimental recording the Beach Boys had done up
to that time.  In it they tried all sorts of unusual recording
techniques, such as singing in an empty swimming pool because
they liked the acoustics.  Some might label their methods
"weird," but we would say that those people probably suffer from
the sour grapes syndrome, and would be more than happy to engage
in weird" behavior of their own if it would net them
multimillion-dollar record contracts.

People are all too eager to classify unconventional ADD
behavior as weirdness and then to dismiss us on that basis.  Never
mind that our strange and circuitous ways of getting things done
often produce good results.  "They" conveniently forget that most
of the great minds in history were quirky and eccentric, to say
the least.  Einstein, Edison, and Buckminister Fuller did not
have personalities that blended into the crowd, but one would be
a fool to discount their contributions to society.

A Way Around It - When someone gives you that "boy are you
strange" look, consider it a compliment.  It is a testimony to
your uniqueness.  People who took down their noses at anything
out of the ordinary are to be pitied rather than censured, for
they suffer under the constraints of a narrow mind.

*****

"Not to dream boldly may turn out to be simply
irresponsible." -George Leonard

Irresponsible.  That hated word many of us with ADD have
heard our whole lives.  As children, we were called irresponsible
when we didn't do our chores correctly or didn't "try hard
enough" to complete school work.  Of course, much of this
criticism was heaped on us as we daydreamed, our creative minds
taking us on wonderful journeys, sometimes solving all kinds of
interesting problems.

Since our performance didn't measure up to expectations, we
must have been lazy, irresponsible creatures, right?  Perhaps not.

Despite dire predictions about our future endeavors, many of us
managed to nurture our quirky thinking style, finding our niche
in adulthood.  Perhaps you're still struggling to discover the
best use of creative talents unappreciated during your childhood.
In any case, we'd like to offer a different perspective on what
it means to be irresponsible.  To have gifts of imagination and
minds that leap to make connections where there seemingly aren't
any, but fail to use them - wouldn't that be the worst kind of
irresponsibility?

A Way Around It - Unless you've found a job that pays you
for your ideas and ability to "possibilitize," you'll have to
continue reining in your wandering thoughts at work.  Daydreaming
doesn't often pay the bills!  But don't squelch your random
thoughts too much.  At the very least, make time to engage in
creative endeavors.  Allow yourself the luxury of giving free
flight to your imagination and pursuing your boldest of dreams.
Who knows, those dreams might just evolve into a "real" job!

*****

"Our ordinary mind always tries to persuade us that we are
nothing but acorns and that our greatest happiness will be to
become bigger, fatter, shinier acorns; but that is of interest
only to pigs.  Our faith gives us knowledge of something much
better: that we can become oak trees.  -E.  F.  Schumacher

It's so easy for us to fall in the trough and wallow in
self-pity.  Oh, poor me: I didn't ask to be born with ADD; I
didn't ask for all the criticism heaped on me when I was growing
up.  We don't just stop at the pity party, either.  We decide
that somebody has to be held responsible for all the unfairness
in our lives, so we start rounding up a group of likely suspects.
We wouldn't have any of these problems if it weren't for this
person or that circumstance, would we?

The next step we take is looking for a quick fix.  An easy
solution.  Of course, the world we live in is plastered with
advertising hype promising easy answers to both the difficult and
the inconsequential dilemmas of daily life.  Feeling left out
from the crowd?  Wear XYZ Jeans for Instant Popularity!  ...

Housework got you down?  Try the new Home Riding Vacuum Cleaner!

If you stop to reflect on this thinking, you will quickly realize
that it effectively renders you powerless.  It is nothing more
than looking to the past to assign blame and looking to the
future to find the magical fix.  This "smoke-screen" thinking is
counter-productive, obscuring and distorting the reality of your
"now" and your awareness of the progress you've already made.

A Way Around It - Don't settle for less than what you really
desire, wasting your energy bemoaning your sorry state, blaming
somebody else for it, and hunting for the key to your instant
success.  With these thoughts taking up space in your brain, there
isn't any room for the kind of thinking that can actually lead
you to accomplish something!  The solutions for personal growth
aren't somewhere out there.  They're in here, within your hopes,
dreams, and goals.  Be mindful of your unique qualities now while
visualizing the "you" you want to work toward becoming.

*****

A lot of people told me I was never going to be anybody.
But here I am." -Rodney A.  Grant

Do you have irresistible urges to go back to your old high
school and show those people that they were wrong?  Predictions
made then are, more times than not, wrong.  The "Person Most
Likely to Succeed" goes to Harvard for a semester and flunks out,
unable to deal with the social pressures of college life.  The
last you heard about him, he was spending his days lying on the
couch reading comic books.  And the class nerd got it together
and made a big splash in the music business.  Perhaps you were
that hapless student labeled the "Class Nerd." Many of us were.
We have struggled since then to make something of ourselves.

Who were those people who told you that you would never
amount to anything?  Was it your boring history teacher, the one
who sat at his desk every day, reading out of his beloved old
college textbook to his comatose class?  Or maybe it was that
short-tempered music teacher - the frustrated performing artist who expected you to demonstrate the brilliance she never had?  And
let's not forget the kids from the "In" group who taunted you.  Do
you really still care what those people thought?

A Way Around It - The urge to go back there and show 'em
they were wrong is powerful, isn't it?  But why waste your time
even thinking about those nagging voices of critical people from
your past?  If it helps, talk back to those voices in the privacy
of your mind, clearing out the images of those naysayers and
making room for thoughts of your successes.

Resources for Adults with ADD

BOOKS

GENERAL

ADD Success Stories: A Guide to Fulfillment for Families
with Attention Deficit Disorder Thom Hartmann Grass Valley,
Calif: Underwood Press, 1995 1-887424-03-2

Answers to Distraction: The Authors of Driven to Distraction
Respond to the Most Frequently Asked Questions about Attention
Deficit Disorder Edward M.  Hallowell, M.D., and John J.  Ratey,
M.D.  New York: Pantheon, 1994 0-679-43973-0

Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception: New Ways
to Work with Attention Deficit Disorder at Home, Work, and School
Thom Hartmann Grass Valley, Calif: Underwood-Miller, 1993
0-88733-156-4

Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults: A Comprehensive Guide
to Research, Diagnosis, Treatment Edited by Kathleen G.  Nadeau,
Ph.D.  New York: Brunner/Mazel Publishers, 1995 0-87630-760-8

Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults: Practical Help for
Sufferers and Their Spouses Lynn Weiss Dallas: Taylor Publishing,
1994 0-87833-779-2

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in Adults Paul H.

Wender, M.D.  New York: Oxford University Press, 1995
0-19-509227-9

Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention
Deficit Disorder from Childhood through Adulthood Edward M.

Hallowell, M.D., and John J.  Ratey, M.D.  New York: Fireside,
1994 0-679-42177-7

The Link Between ADD and Addiction Wendy Richardson, M.A.

Colorado Springs: Pinon Press, 1997

Out of Chaos: Understanding and Managing A.D.D.  and Its
Relationship to Modern Stress Sanjay Jasuja, M.D.  Palo Alto,
Calif: Esteem House, 1995 0-9647153-0-9

Think Fast - The ADD Experience: CompuServe's Attention
Deficit Disorder Forum Thom Hartmann and Janie Bowman with Susan
Burgess Grass Valley, Calif: Underwood Press, 1996 1-887424-08-3

Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embracing
Disorganization at Home and in the Workplace Sari Solden, MS,
MFCC Grass Valley, Calif: Underwood Books, 1995 1-887424-05-9

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!  A Self-Help Book
for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder Kate Kelly and Peggy
Ramundo New York: Fireside, 1995 0-684-80116-7

PARENTING

Beyond Ritalin: Facts about Medication and Other Strategies
for Helping Children, Adolescents, and Adults with Attention
Deficit Disorders Stephen W.  Garber, Ph.D., Marianne Daniels
Garber, Ph.D., and Robyn Freedman Spizman New York: Villard, 1996
0-679-45O18-1

Children with Tourette Syndrome: A Parent's Guide Edited by
Tracy Haerle Rockville, Md.: Woodbine House, 1992 0-933149-44-1

The Misunderstood Child: A Guide for Parents of Children
with Learning Disabilities, 2nd Edition Larry B.  Silver, M.D.

Blue Ridge Summit, Pa.: Tab Books, 1992 0-8306-2954-8

No One to Play With: The Social Side of Learning
Disabilities Betty B.  Osman and Henriette Blinder Novato, Calif:
Academic Therapy Publications, 1982 0-87879-687-8

Scoutmaster's Guide to ADD: For Adults Working with
Attention Deficit Disorder in Scouting and Other Youth Activities
D.  Steven Ledingham Tucson, Ariz.: Positive People Press, 1994
(520) 749-5465

Taming the Dragons: Real Help for Real School Problems
Susan Setley, M.Sp.Ed.  St.  Louis: Starfish Publishing, 1995
1-886243-04-2 (314) 367-9611

Why Johnny Can't Concentrate: Coping with Attention Deficit
Problems Robert A.  Moss, M.D., with Helen Huff Dunlap New York:
Bantam, 1990 0-553-34968-6

You and Your ADD Child: How to Understand and Help Kids with
Attention Deficit Disorder Paul Warren, M.D., and Jody Capehart,
M.  Ed.  Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1995 0-7852-7895-8

Your Hyperactive Child: A Parent's Guide to Coping with
Attention Deficit Disorder Barbara Ingersoll, Ph.D.  New York:
Doubleday, 1988 0-385-24070-8

THE WORKPLACE

Attention Deficit Disorder and the Law Peter S.  Latham,
J.D., and Patricia H.  Latham, J.D.  Washington, D.C.: JKL
Communications, 1993 1-883560-00-4

Focus Your Energy: Hunting for Success in Business with
Attention Deficit Disorder Thom Hartmann New York: Pocket Books,
1994 0-671-5189-2

Succeeding in the Workplace Peter S.  Latham, J.D., and
Patricia H.  Latham, J.D.  Washington, D.C.: JKL Communications,
1994 1-883560-03-9

RELATIONSHIPS

Honey, Are You Listening?  How Attention Deficit Disorder
Could Be Affecting Your Marriage Rick Fowler, Ph.D., and Jerilyn
Fowler Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1995 0-8407-7710-8

DRUGS-INFORMATION

Medications for Attention Disorders (ADHD/ADD) and Related
Medical Problems (Tourette's Syndrome, Sleep Apnea, Seizure
Disorders) Edna D.  Copeland, Ph.D., with Stephen C.  Copps, M.D.
New York: Specialty Press, 1995 1-886941-00-9

LIFE SKILLS

A.D.D.  and Success: Discover Your A.D.D.  Power ...  Turn Your
Daydreams into Reality Marilyn Kroplick, M.D.  Los Angeles:
Learning Annex, 1996

The ASK Guide to ADD Self-Help Groups D.  Steven Ledingham
and Reed Robertson Tucson, Ariz.: Positive People Press, 1995
1-890734-02-0

The Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults Workbook Lynn Weiss
Dallas: Taylor Publishing, 1994 0-878-33850-0

Square Peg in a Round Hole: Coping with Learning Differences
at Home, in School, and at Work.  Jimmie Shreve, PE San Diego:
Square Peg Enterprises, 1993 0-963-9421-0-7

The Twelve Steps: A Key to Living with Attention Deficit Disorder
Friends in Recovery San Diego: RPI Publishing, 1996
0-941405-34-6

ORGANIZATIONS Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA)

9930 Johnny Cake Ridge Road, Suite 3E

Mentor, OH 44060 or

P.O.  Box 972

Mentor, OH 44061

(800) 487-2282/(216) 350-9595

Attention Deficit Disorder Association, Southern Region

12345 Jones Road, Suite 287

Houston, TX 77070

(281) 955-3720

Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorders (CHADD)

CHADD National Headquarters

499 NW 70th Avenue, Suite 308

Plantation, FL 33317

(305) 587-3700

Learning Disabilities Association (LDA)

4156 Library Road

Pittsburgh, PA 15234

(412) 341-1515

The Orton Dyslexia Society

Chester Building #382

8600 La Salle Road

Baltimore, MD 21204

(301) 296-0232

The REBUS Institute

1499 Old Bayshore Highway, Suite 146

Burlingame, CA 940IO

(415) 697-7424

Tourette Syndrome Association, Inc.

42-40 Bell Boulevard

Bayside, NY 11361

(718) 224-1136

NEWSLETTERS

ADD ONS

(A "paper support group" for people living with ADD) PO.  Box
675 Frankfort, IL 60423

ADDult News

c/o Mary Jane Johnson

ADDult Support Network

2620 Ivy Place

Toledo, OH 43613

CHADDER Box, CHADDER, and ATTENTION!

CHADD National Headquarters

499 NW 70th Avenue, Suite 308
Plantation, FL 33317

FOCUS

ADDA (National Attention Deficit Disorder Association)

P.O.  Box 972

Mentor, OH 44061

INTERNET RESOURCES

With the explosive development of Internet resources, the
way we locate and distribute information has undergone many
significant changes.  While books and news media remain viable
information resources, the Internet has given many of us access
to a "virtual encyclopedia" that is constantly being updated.

The Internet allows nearly anyone with a computer to make
information publicly available.  For ADDers this means more
people can share their personal stories and other information
much more easily, and we can read about, share in, and learn from
their experiences.  The amount of information on the Internet is
simply amazing, and I strongly encourage our readers to learn how
to tap into this evolving resource.

All information on the Internet is located on "pages," which
are located by the computer through "hyperlinks" or "uniform
resource locators" (URLs).  The following list contains
information about those ADD-related "pages" that are, in my
experience, the most powerful sources of ADD information on the
Net.  Many e-mail service providers can give you access to the
Internet for a reasonable basic monthly fee.  Support groups who
have even one member with Net access can collect Internet
information and print it to share with other group members.  I
believe every ADD support group should gain access to the Net.

To use a hyperlink, you must enter the information exactly
as it is shown.  The beginning of all hyperlinks to Net "pages" is
http://www.  It must be all lowercase!  This tells the computer
that this is a link to a World Wide Web page, and the rest of the
information tells the computer exactly where the page is located.
If you have a problem, there is a good chance that you entered
the hyperlink incorrectly.  Simply try it again.  I hope you
enjoy cruising the Internet.  -D.S.L.

ADDA (the Attention Deficit Disorder Association)
http://www.azstarnet.com/sled

This is the World Wide Web site of the National Attention
Deficit Disorder Association.  This is fast becoming a "must see"
site for ADD adults.  Also a great source of information on the
annual ADDA conference.

ADDNET gopher://moe.coe.uga.edu:70/11/ITN: Interactive
Teaching Network of UGA/ADDNET

Many good articles on ADD intervention techniques,
especially in education.  Type the address into your Web browser,
exactly as it is written.  This will let you select articles to
save on your computer.

ADD News for Christian Families

http://members.aol.com/addnews/index.html

ADD News is the only publication that is written by
Christians for Christians, and devoted entirely to Attention
Deficit Disorder and related topics.  Lots of good information
for anyone with ADD.

ADD on AOL

http://members.aol.com/JimAMS/addonaol7.html

This is a very active Web site on America On-Line.

Frequently updated and filled with exciting and helpful
information for adults, parents, and children with ADD.

ADDult Recovery http://www.signasoft-com/add/

A site for ADDults interested in using a twelve-step
approach in creating success in their lives.  Created and
maintained by an ADDult.

ADD WebNet

http://members.aol.com/addwebnet/index.html

Personal stories of parents who are educating and raising
children with ADD; professionals sharing some of their hard-won
knowledge about treating ADD; everything from poetry to artwork
by ADD adults.  The ADD WebNet is as varied and creative as the
individuals who have volunteered their time to build it.

Americans with Disabilities Act Document Center

http://www.ed.gov/offices/OSERS/OSEP/osep.html

Lots of information on legal issues for ADDers.

ASK about ADD (Adults Seeking Knowledge about ADD)
http://www.azstarnet.com/ask

Steven Ledingham, the cofounder of the original site for the
National Attention Deficit Disorder Association, has created a
site celebrating the excitement and positives of the ADD
experience.  In Steven's own words it's not ADD, its B.I.T.S.

(Brilliant Interrupted Thinking Stuff).

He maintains a large listing of ADD-related hyperlinks.

Brandi Valentine's Site http://www.ns.net/users/BrandiV/

This site is one of the earliest sites for ADD and continues
to get better and better.  A must-visit site!

Canadian Professionals' ADD Centre

http://www.usask.ca/psychiatry/CPADDC.html

An area designed for Canadian teachers, counselors,
psychologists, nurses, physicians (including pediatricians),
neurologists, family physicians, psychiatrists, and anyone else
with a professional interest in assisting people with ADD and
their families.

CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorders)
http://www.chadd.org/

A nonprofit parent-based organization formed to better the
lives of individuals with attention deficit disorders and those
who care for them.  The largest organization of its type in the
world.

International Coach Federation

http://www.coachu.com/

Everything about ADD coaching.

Another ADD coaching site that's worth checking out is
http://web.addcoach.com/p.

Meng Wong's ADD Archive
http://www.seas.upenn.edu/mengwong/add/

No list would be complete without Meng Wong's ADD site.  This
was one of the first sites I ever visited in my search for ADD
information.