The Highly Sensitive Person
by
Elaine N Aron


A Birch Lane Press Book
Published by Carol Publishing Group
Carol Publishing Group Edition, 1997
Copyright oc1996 by Elaine NAron

A Birch lane Press Book Published by Carol Publishing Group
Birch lane Press is a registered trademark of Carol Communications,
Inc.
as
Editorial, sales and distribution, rights and permissions inquiries


should be addressed to Carol Publishing Group, 120 Enterprise
Avenue, Secaucus, N.J.  07094
ac
In Canada: Canadian Manda Group, One Atlantic Avenue, Suite 105,
Toronto, Ontario M6K 3E7
an
Wi
ar
Carol Publishing Group books may be purchased in bulk at special
discounts for sales promotions, riind-riiising, or educational
purposes.   Special editions can be created to specifications.  For
details, contact Special Sales Department, Carol Publishing Group,
120 Enterprise Avenue, Secaucus, N.J.  07094
Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

Aron, Elaine.
The highly sensitive person: how to thrive when the world
overwhelms you~ Elaine N.  Aron.
p.  cm.
~A Birch lane Press book.
lSBN 1-55972-35~5(hardcover).
1.  Sensitivity (Personality trait) 2.  Self~ctualization
(Psychology) 3.  Stress management.  4.  Stress (Psychology) 1.

Titie. BF698.33.547A76     1996 ClIP  To Irene Bernadicou Pettit, Ph.D.
-being both poet and peasant, she knew how to plant this seed and tend
it until it blossomed. To Art, who especially loves the flowers ~ne more
love we share.  I believe in aristocrncy, thougIHj that is the right
worci, and a democrat may use it.  Not an aristocrnci' of pou'er but of
the sensitive, the considerate.  fts members are to be found in all
nations and classes, and all through the ages, and there is a secret
undersrnnding betu~een them when they meet.  They represent the tr'~e
human tradition, the one permanent victory of our queer race over
cr'~dv' and chaos.  Thou- sands of them perish in obscuritt', a frw are
great names.  They are sensitive for others as u'ell as themselves, they
are considerate u'ithout being fussy, their pluck is not suankiness but
the power to endure   C a   -E.  M.  Forster, `1What I Believe, in Two
Cheers for Democrncy

 U
a
SI
ti
h
y
F
tI
(1
ei
d
0
a
p
Ir  Contents   Preface
Are You Highly Sensitive?  A Self-Test Acknowledgments
A (Wrong) Sense of Being Flawed
2 Digging Deeper: Understanding Your Trait for All That It Is
3 General Health and Lifestyle for HSPs: Loving and Learning From
Your Infant/Body Self
4 Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence: Learning to Parent
Thurself
S Social Relationships: The Slide Into `Shy"
6 Thriving at Work: Follow Your Bliss and Let Your Light Shine
Through
7 Close Relationships: The Challenge of Sensitive Love
8 Healing the Deeper Wounds: A Dj'frrent Process for HSPs
9 Medics, Medications, and HSPs: "Shall I Listen to Prozac or Talk
Temperament With A~y Doctor?"'
10 Soul and Spirit: Where True Treasure Lies   40
66
90
116
138
167
189
209   vii  I"   vttt   Contents   Tips for Health-Care Professionals Working
With Highly Sensitive People
Tips for Teachers Working With Highly Sensitive Students
Tips for Employers of Highly Sensitive People Notes
Index   233
234
236
237
247   V-
a
a
0
a
B
0
h
E
tf
(1
e]
d
0
a
p  Prefa ce   "Cry baby!"
`15caredy-cat!"
`1Don't be a spoilsport!"
Echoes from the past?  And how about this well-meaning warning:
"You're just too sensitive for your own good."
If you were like me, you heard a lot of that, and it made you feel
there must be something very different about you.  I was convinced
that I had a fatal flaw that I had to hide and that doomed me to a
second-rate life.  I thought there was something wrong with me.
In fact, there is something very right with you and me.   If you
answered true to fourteen or more of the questions on the self-test
at the beginning of this book, or if the detailed description in
chapter 1 seems to fit you (really the best test), then you are a
very special type of human being, a highly sensitive person-which
hereafter we'll call an HSP.  And this book is just for you.
Having a sensitive nervous system is normal, a basically neutral
trait.  You probably inherited it.  It occurs in about 15-20
percent of the population.  It means you are aware of subtleties in
your surroundings, a great advantage in many situations.  It also
means you are more easily overwhelmed when you have been out in a
highly stimulating environment for too long, bombarded by sights
and sounds until you are exhausted in a nervous-system sort of way.

Thus, being sensitive has both advantages and disadvantages.   
In our culture, however, possessing this trait is not considered
ideal and that fact probably has had a major impact on you. 
Wellmeaning parents and teachers probably tried to help you
"overcome" it, as if it were a defect.  Other children were not
always  x   Preface   r   
as nice about it.  As an adult, it has probably been harder to find
the right career and relationships and generally to feel self-worth
and self-confidence.   
a   
a   
0   
a   Wbat This Book Offers You   
This book provides basic, detailed information you need about your
trait, data that exist nowhere else.  It is the product of five
years of research, in-depth interviews, clinical experience,
courses and individual consultations with hundreds of HSPs, and
careful reading between the lines of what psychology has already
learned about the trait but does not realize it knows.  In the
first three chapters you will learn all the basic facts about your
trait and how to handle uverstimulation and overarousal of your
nervous system.   
Next, this book considers the impact of your sensitivity on your
personal history, career, relationships, and inner life.  It
focuses on the advantages you may not have thought of, plus it
gives advice about typical problems some HSps face, such as shyness
or difficulty finding the right sun of work.   
It is quite a jOurney we'll take.  Most of the HSPs I've helped
with the information that is in this book have told me that it has
dramatically changed their lives-and they've told me to tell you
that.   
a'   
B   
0   
St   
tl   
yI   
(1   
ei d   
0   
a   
p   
First, if you have picked up this book because you're the parent,
spouse, or friend of an HSP, then you're especially welcome here. 
Your relationship with your HSP will be greatly improved.   
Second, a telephone survey of three hundred randomly selected
individuals of all ages found that while 20 percent were extremely
or quite sensitive, another 22 percent were moderately sensitive. 
Those of you who fall into this moderately sensitive category will
also benefit from this book.   
By the way, 42 percent said they were not sensitive at all- which
suggests why the highly sensitive can feel so completely out of
step with a large part of the world.  And naturally, it's that
segment of the population that's always turning up the radio or
honking their horns.   i.  -  Pr,,,face   xt   Further, it is safe to say that everyone can
become highly sensitive at times-for example, after a month alone
in a mountain cabin.  And everyone becomes more sensitive as they
age.   Indeed, most people, whether they admit it or not, probably
have a highly sensitive facet that comes to the fore in certain
situations.   
And Some Things to Say to Non-HSPs   
Sometimes non-HSPs feel excluded and hurt by the idea that we are
different from them and maybe sound like we think we are somehow
better.  They say, "Do you mean I'm not sensitive?" One problem is
that `~sensitive" also means being understanding and aware.  Both
HSPs and non-HSPs can have these qualities, which are optimized
when we are feeling good and alert to the subtle.  When very calm,
HSPs may even enjoy the advantage of picking up more delicate
nuances.  When overaroused, however, a frequent state for HSPs, we
are anything but understanding or sensitive.  Instead, we are
overwhelmed, frazzled, and need to be alone.  By contrast, your
non-HSP friends are actually more understanding of others in highly
chaotic situations.   
I thought long and hard about what to call this trait.  I knew I
didn't want to repeat the mistake of confusing it with
introversion, shyness, inhibitedness, and a host of other misnomers
laid on us by other psychologists.  None of them captures the
neutral, much less the positive, aspects of the trait. 
"Sensitivity" does express the neutral fact of greater receptivity
to stimulation.  So it seemed to be time to make up for the bias
against HSPs by using a term that might be taken in our favor.   
On the other hand, being "highly sensitive" is anything but
positive to some.  While sitting in my quiet house writing this, at
a time when no one is talking about the trait, I'll go on record:
This book will generate more than its share of hurtful jokes and
comments about HSPs.  There is tremendous collective psychological
energy around the idea of being sensitive-almost as much as around
gender issues, with which sensitivity is often confused.  (There
are as many male as female babies born sensitive; but men are not
supposed to possess the trait and women are.  Both genders pay a
high price for that confusion.)  So just be prepared for that
energy.  Protect both your sensitivity and  your newly budding understanding of it by not talking about it at
all when that seems most prudent.   
Mostly, enjoy knowing that there are also many like-minded people
out there.  We have not been in touch before.  But we are now, and
both we and our society will be the better for it.   In chapters 1,
6, and 10, I will comment at some length on the HSP's important
social function.   wbat You Need   I have found that HSPs benefit
from a fourfold approach, which the chapters in this book will
follow.   
SI   
ti   
h   
Y   
E   
ti   
(1 ei d   
0   
a   
p'   
rr   
1.  Selfiknowledge.  You have to understand what it means to be an
HSR Thoroughly.  And how it fits with your other traits and how
your society's negative attitude has affected you.  Then you need
to know your sensitive body very well.  No more ignoring your body
because it seems too uncooperative or weak.   
2.  Reframing.  You must actively reframe much of your past in the
light of knowing you came into the world highly sensitive.  So many
of your "failures" were inevitable because neither you nor your
parents and teachers, friends and colleagues, understood you. 
Reframing how you experienced your past can lead to solid
self-esteem, and self-esteem is especially important for HSPs, for
it decreases our overarousal in new (and therefore highly
stimulating) situations.   
Reframing is not automatic, however.  That is why I include
"activities" at the end of each chapter that often involve it.   
3.  Healing.  If you have not yet done so, you must begin to heal
the deeper wounds.  You were very sensitive as a child; family and
school problems, childhood illnesses, and the like all affected you
more than others.  Furthermore, you were different from other kids
and almost surely suffered for that.   
HSPs especially, sensing the intense feelings that must arise, may
hold back from the inner work necessary to heal the wounds from the
past.  Caution and slowness are justified.  But you will cheat
yourself if you delay.   
4.  Help With Feeling Okay When Out in the World and learning When
to Be Less Out.  You can be, should be, and need to be involved in
the world.  It truly needs you.  But you have  P?qace   
xiii   to be skilled at avoiding overdoing or underdoing it.  This
book, free of the confusing messages from a less sensitive culture,
is about discovering that way.   
I will also teach you about your trait's effect on your close
relationships.  And I'll discuss psychotherapy and HSPs-which HSPs
should be in therapy and why, what kind, with whom, and especially
how therapy differs for HSPs.  Then I'll consider HSPs and medical
care, including plenty of information on medications like Prozac,
often taken by HSPs.  At the end of this book we will savor our
rich inner life.   About Myself   I am a research psychologist,
university professor, psychotherapist, and published novelist. 
What matters most, however; is that I am an HSP like you.  I am
definitely not writing from on high, aiming down to help you, poor
soul, overcome your "syndrome." I Imow personally about our trait,
its assets and its challenges.   
As a child, at home, I hid from the chaos in my family.  At school
I avoided sports, games, and kids in general.  What a mixture of
relief and humiliation when my strategy succeeded and I was totally
ignored.   
In junior high school an extravert took me under her wing.  In high
school that relationship continued, plus I studied most of the
time.  In college my life became far more difficult.  After many
stops and starts, including a four-year marriage undertaken too
young, I finally graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of
Calffornia at Berkeley.  But I spent my share of time crying in
rest rooms, thinking I was going crazy.  (My research has found
that retreating like this, often to cry, is typical of HSPs.)   
In my first try at graduate school I was provided with an office,
to which I also retreated and cried, trying to regain some calm. 
Because of such reactions, I stopped my studies with a master's
degree, even though I was highly encouraged to continue for a
doctorate.  It took twenty-five years for me to gain the
information about my trait that made it possible to understand my
reactions and so complete that doctorate.   
When I was twenty-three, I met my current husband and settled down
into a very protected life of writing and rearing a  Is   xlv   Preface   a   
a   
0   
a   
U   
a   
t]   
son.  I was simultaneously delighted and ashamed of not being "out
there." I was vaguely aware of my lost opportunities to learn, to
enjoy more public recognition of my abilities, to be more connected
with all kinds of people.  But from bitter experience I thought I
had no choice.   
Some arousing events, however cannot be avoided.  I had to undergo
a medical procedure from which I assumed I would recover in a few
weeks.  Instead, for months my body seemed to resound with physical
and emotional reactions.  I was being forced to face once again
that mysterious "fatal flaw" of mine that made me so different.  So
I tried some psychotherapy.  And got lucky.   After listening to me
for a few sessions, my therapist said, "But of course you were
upset; you are a very highly sensitive person."   
What is this, I thought, some excuse?  She said she had never
thought much about it, but from her experience it seemed that there
were real differences in people's tolerance for stimulation and
also their openness to the deeper significance of an experience,
good and bad.  To her, such sensitivity was hardly a sign of a
mental flaw or disorder.  At least she hoped not, for she was
highly sensitive herself.  I recall her grin.  "As are most of the
people who strike me as really worth knowing."   
I spent several years in therapy, none of it wasted, working
through various issues from my childhood.  But the central theme
became the impact of this trait.  There was my sense of being
flawed.  There was the willingness of others to protect me in
return for enjoying my imagination, empathy, creativity, and
insight, which I myself hardly appreciated.  And there was my
resulting isolation from the world.  But as I gained insight, I was
able to reenter the world.  I take great pleasure now in being part
of things, a professional, and sharing the special gifts of my
sensitivity.   
The Research Behind This Book   f   
As knowledge about my trait changed my life, I decided to read more
about it, but there was almost nothing available.  I thought the
closest topic might be introversion.  The psychiatrist Carl Jung
wrote very wisely on the subject, calling it a tendency to turn
inward.  The work of Jung, himself an HSP, has been a major help to
me, but the more scientific work on introversion  P~face   
xv   was focused on introverts not being sociable, and it was that
idea which made me wonder if introversion and sensitivity were
being wrongly equated.   
With so little information to go on, I decided to put a notice in
a newsletter that went to the staff of the university where I was
teaching at the time.  I asked to interview anyone who felt they
were highly sensitive to stimulation, introverted, or quick to
react emotionally.  Soon I had more volunteers than I needed.   
Next, the local paper did a story on the research.  Even though
there was nothing said in the article about how to reach me, over
a hundred people phoned and wrote me, thanking me, wanting help, or
just wanting to say, "Me, too." Two years later, people were still
contacting me.  (HSPs sometimes think things over for a while
before making their move!)   
Based on the interviews (forty for two to three hours each), I
designed a questionnaire that I have distributed to thousands all
over North America.  And I directed a random-dialing telephone
survey of three hundred people as well.  The point that matters for
you is that everything in this book is based on solid research, my
own or that of others.  Or I am speaking from my repeated
observations of HSPs, from my courses, conversations, individual
consultations, and psychotherapy with them.  These opportunities to
explore the personal lives of HSPs have numbered in the thousands. 
Even so, I will say "probably" and "maybe" more th;in you are used
to in books for the general reader, but I think HSPs appreciate
that.   
Deciding to do all of this research, writing, and teaching has made
me a kind of pioneer.  But that, too, is part of being an HSP.  We
are often the first ones to see what needs to be done.   As our
confidence in our virtues grows, perhaps more and more of us will
speak up~in our sensitive way.   
Instructions to the Reader   
1.  Again, I address the reader as an HSP, but this book is written
equally for someone seeking to understand HSPs, whether as a
friend, relative, advisor, employer, educator, or health
professional.   
2.  This book involves seeing yourself as having a trait common to
many.  That is, it labels you.  The advantages are that you  xvi   Preface   C   
can feel normal and benefit from the experience and research of
others.  But any label misses your uniqueness.  HSPs are each
utterly different, even with their common trait.  Please remind
yourself of that as you proceed.   
3.  While you are reading this book, you will probably see
everything in your life in light of being highly sensitive.  That
is to be expected.  In fact, it is exactly the idea.  Total
immersion helps with learning any new language, including a new way
of talking about yourself.  If others feel a little concerned, left
out, or annoyed, ask for their patience.  There will come a day
when the concept will settle in and you'll be talking about it
less.   
4.  This book includes some activities which I have found useful
for HSPs.  But I'm not going to say that you must do them if you
want to gain anything from this book.  Trust your HSP intuition and
do what feels right.   
5.  Any of the activities could bring up strong feelings.  If that
happens, I do urge you to seek professional help.  If you are now
in therapy, this book should fit well with your work there.   The
ideas here might even shorten the time you will need therapy as you
envision a new ideal self-not the culture's ideal but your own,
someone you can be and maybe already are.  But remember that this
book does not substitute for a good therapist when things get
intense or confusing.   
This is an exciting moment for me as I imagine you turning the page
and entering into this new world of mine, of yours, of ours.  After
thinking for so long that you might be the only one, it is nice to
have company, isn't it?  Are You Higbly Sensll~e?   
A SELF-TEST   Answer each question according to the way you feel. 
Answer true if it is at least somewhat true for you.  Answer false
if it is not very true or not at all true for you.   
I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment.   Other
people's moods affect me.   
I tend to be very sensitive to pain.   
I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or
into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and
relief from stimulation.   
I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine.   I am
easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells,
coarse fabrics, or sirens close by.   I have a rich, complex inner
life.   
I am made uncomfortable by loud noises.   
I am deeply moved by the arts or music.   
I am conscientious.   
I startle easily.   
I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.  

When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to
know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like
changing the lighting or the seating).   
I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at
once.   
I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things.   I make
it a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows.   TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF TF TF TF TF TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   xvii  xviii   Are You Higbly Sensitive?   I become unpleasantly aroused
when a lot is going on around me.   TF   Being very hungry creates
a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood.   TF 
 Changes in my life shake me up.   TF   I notice and enjoy delicate
or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art.   TF   I make it a
high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming
situations.   TF   When I must compete or be observed while
performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much
worse than I would otherwise.   TF   When I was a child, my parents
or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy.   TF   SCORING
YOURSELF   
If you answered true to twelve or more of the questions, you're
probably highly sensitive.   
But frankly, no psychological test is so accurate that you should
base your life on it.  If only one or two questions are true of you
but they are extremely true, you might also be justified in calling
yourself highly sensitive.   
Read on, and if you recognize yourself in the in-depth description
of a highly sensitive person in chapter 1, consider yourself one. 
The rest of this book will help you understand yourself better and
learn to thrive in today's not-so-sensitive world.  Acknowledgments   I especially want to acknowledge all the highly
sensitive people I interviewed.  You were the first to come forward
and talk about what you had known very privately about yourself for
a long time, changing younselves from isolated individuals to a
group to be respected.  My thanks also to those who have come to my
courses or seen me for a consultation or in psychotherapy.  Every
word of this book reflects what you all have taught me.   
My many student research assistants-too many to name- also earn a
big thanks, as do Barbara Kouts, my agent, and Bruce Shostak, my
editor at Carol, for their effort to see that this book reached all
of you.  Barbara found a publisher with vision; Bruce brought the
manuscnpt into good shape, reining me in at all the right places
but otherwise letting me run with it as I saw it.   
It's harder to find words for my husband, Art.  But here are some:
Friend, colleague, supporter, beloved-thanks, with all my love.  
xix  uo�tOJ ~O!~is1t~s~  The Facts About Being   Highly Sensitive   
A (wrong) Sense of Being Flawed   
In this chapter you will learn the basic facts about your trait and
how it makes you different from others.  You will also discover the
rest of your inherited personality and have your eyes opened about
your culture's view of you.  But first you should meet Kristen.   
She Thought She Was Crazy   
Kristen was the twenty-third interview of my research on HSPs.  
She was an intelligent, clear-eyed college student.  But soon into
our interview her voice began to tremble.   
"I'm sorry," she whispered.  "But I really signed up to see you
because you re a psychologist and I had to talk to someone who
could tell me-" Her voice broke.  "Am I crnz)P." I studied her with
sympathy.  She was obviously feeling desperate, but nothing she had
said so far had given me any sense of mental illness.  But then, I
was already listening differentl'~ to people like Kristen.  4   The Htghly Sensitive Person   She tried again, as if afraid to
give me time to answer.  "I feel so different.  I always did.  I
don't mean-I mean, my family was great.  My childhood was almost
idyllic until I had to go to school.  Although Mom says I was
always a grumpy baby."   
She took a breath.  I said something reassuring, and she plunged
on.  "But in nursery school I was afraid of everything.   Even
music time.  When they would pass out the pots and pans to pound,
I would put my hands over my ears and cry."   
She looked away, her eyes glistening with tears now, too.   "In
elementary school I was always the teacher's pet.  Yet they'd say
I was `spacey.'   
Her "spaciness" prompted a distressing series of medical and
psychological tests.  First for mental retardation.  As a result,
she was enrolled in a program for the gfted, which did not surprise
me.   
Still the message was "Something is wrong with this child." Her
hearing was tested.  Normal.  In fourth grade she had a brain scan
on the theory that her inwardness was due to petit mal seizures. 
Her brain was normal.   
The final diagnosis?  She had "trouble screening out stimuli.   But
the result was a child who believed she was defective.   
Special But Deeply Misunderstood   
The diagnosis was right as far as it went.  HSPs do take in a
lot-all the subtleties others miss.  But what seems ordinary to
others, like loud music or crowds, can be highly stimulating and
thus stressful for HSPs.   
Most people ignore sirens, glaring lights, strange odors, clutter
and chaos.  HSPs are disturbed by them.   
Most people's feet may be tired at the end of a day in a mall or a
museum, but they're ready for more when you suggest an evening
party.  HSPs need solitude after such a day.   They feel jangled,
overaroused.   
Most people walk into a room and perhaps notice the ftirniture, the
people-that's about it.  HSPs can be instantly aware, whether they
wish to be or not, of the mood, the friendships and enmities, the
freshness or staleness of the air, the personality of the one who
arranged the flowers.  The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive   If you are an HSP,
however, it is hard to grasp that you have some remarkable ability.

How do you compare inner experiences?  Not easily.  Mostly you
notice that you seem unable to tolerate as much as other people. 
You forget that you belong to a group that has often demonstrated
great creativity, insight, passion, and caring-all highly valued by
society.   
We are a package deal, however.  Our trait of sensitivity means we
will also be cautious, inward, needing extra time alone.  Because
people without the trait (the majonty) do not understand that, they
see us as timid, shy, weak, or that greatest sin of all,
unsociable.  Fearing these labels, we try to be like others.  But
that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed.  Then that
gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others and then by
ourselves.   
Knsten's Dangerous Year   
Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but
HSPs react more to such stimulation.  If you see this reaction as
part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present
in any life crisis.  Next come feelings of hopelessness and
worthlessness.   
Kristen, for example, had such a crisis the year she started
college.  She had attended a low-key private high school and had
never been away from home.  Suddenly she was living among
strangers, fighting in crowds for courses and books, and always
overstimulated.  Next she fell in love, fast and hard (as HSPs can
do).  Shortly after, she went to Japan to meet her boyfriend's
family, an event she already had good reason to fear.  It was while
she was in Japan that, in her words, she "flipped out."   
Kristen had never thought of herself as an anxious person, but
suddenly, in Japan, she was overcome by fears and could not sleep. 
Then she became depressed.  Frightened by her own emotions, her
self-confidence plummeted.  Her young boyfriend could not cope with
her "craziness" and wanted to end the relationship.  By then she
had returned to school, but feared she was going to fail at that,
too.  Kristen was on the edge.   
She looked up at me after sobbing out the last of her story.  6   The Highly Sensitive Person   "Then I heard about this
research, about being sensitive, and I thought, Could that be me? 
But it isn't, I know.  Is it?"   
I told her that of course I could not be sure from such a brief
conversation, but I believed that, yes, her sensitivity in
combination with all these stresses might well explain her state of
mind.  And so I had the privilege of explaining Kristen to
herself-an explanation obviously long overdue.   
Defining High Sensitivity-Two Facts to Remember   
FACT 1.' Eveiyone, HSP or not, feels best when neither too bored
nor too aroused.   
An individual will perform best on any kind of task, whether
engaging in a conversation or playing in the Super Bowl, if his or
her nervous system is moderately alert and aroused.  Too little
arousal and one is dull, ineffective.  To change that under-
aroused physical state, we drink some coffee, turn on the radio,
call a friend, strike up a conversation with a total stranger,
change careers-anything!   
At the other extreme, too much arousal of the nervous system and
anyone will become distressed, clumsy, and confused.   We cannot
think; the body is not coordinated; we feel out of control.  Again,
we have many ways to correct the situation.   Sometimes we rest. 
Or mentally shut down.  Some of us drink alcohol or take a Valium. 
 
The best amount of arousal falls somewhere in the middle.   That
there is a need and desire for an "optimal level of arousal" is, in
fact, one of the most solid findings of psychology.  It is true for
everyone, even infants.  They hate to feel bored or overwhelmed.  

FACT 2: People differ considerably in bow much their nervous system
is aroused in the same situation, under the same stimulation.   
The difference is largely inherited, and is very real and normal. 
In fact, it can be observed in all higher animals-mice, cats, dogs,
horses, monkeys, humans.  Within a species, the percentage that is
very sensitive to stimulation is usually about the same, around
15-20 percent.  Just as some within a species are  The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive   tive.  In fact, through
careful breeding of animals, mating the sensitive ones to each
other can create a sensitive strain in just a few generations.  In
short, among inborn traits of temperament, this one creates the
most dramatic, observable differences.   
The Good News and the NotS~Good   
What this difference in arousability means is that you notice
levels of stimulation that go unobserved by others.  This is true
whether we are talking about subtle sounds, sights, or physical
sensations like pain.  It is not that your hearing, vision, or
other senses are more acute (plenty of HSPs wear glasses).  The
difference seems to lie somewhere on the way to the brain or in the
brain, in a more careful processing of information.  We reflect
more on everything.  And we sort things into finer distinctions. 
Like those machines that grade fruit by size-we sort into ten sizes
while others sort into two or three.   
This greater awareness of the subtle tends to make you more
intuitive, which simply means picking up and working through
information in a semiconscious or unconscious way.   The result is'
that you often "just know" without realizing how.   Furthermore,
this deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the
past or future more.  You "just know" how things got to be the way
they are or how they are going to turn out.   This is that "sixth
sense" people talk about.  It can be wrong, of course, just as your
eyes and ears can be wrong, but your intuition is right often
enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, highly intuitive artists,
or inventors, as well as more conscientious, cautious, and wise
people.   
The downside of the trait shows up at more intense levels of
stimulation.  What is moderately arousing for most people is highly
arousing for HSPs.  What is highly arousing for most people causes
an HSP to become very frazzled indeed, until they reach a shutdown
point called "transmarginal inhibition." Transmarginal inhibition
was first discussed around the turn of the century by the Russian
physiologist Ivan Pavlov, who was convinced that the most basic
inherited difference among people was how soon they reach this
shutdown point and that the  quick-to-shut-down have a ftindamentally different type of nervous
system.   
No one likes being overaroused, HSP or not.  A person feels out of
control, and the whole body warns that it is in trouble.  
Overarousal often means failing to perform at one's best.  Of
course, it can also mean danger.  An extra dread of overarousal may
even be built into all of us.  Since a newborn cannot run or fight
or even recognize danger, it is best if it howls at anything new,
anything arousing at all, so that grown-ups can come and rescue it.

 
Like the fire department, we HSPs mostly respond to false alarms. 
But if our sensitivity saves a life even once, it is a trait that
has a genetic payoff.  So, yes, when our trait leads to over-
arousal, it is a nuisance.  But it is part of a package deal with
many advantages.   More About Stimulation   
Stimulation is anything that wakes up the nervous system, gets its
attention, makes the nerves fire off another round of the little
electrical charges that they carry.  We usually think of
stimulation as coming from outside, but of counse it can come from
our body (such as pain, muscle tension, hunger, thirst, or sexual
feelings) or as memories, fantasies, thoughts, or plans.   
Stimulation can vary in intensity (like the loudness of a noise) or
in duration.  It can be more stimulating because it is novel, as
when one is startled by a honk or shout, or in its complexity, as
when one is at a party and hearing four conversations at once plus
music.   
Often we can get used to stimulation.  But sometimes we think we
have and aren't being bothered, but suddenly feel exhausted and
realize why: We have been putting up with something at a conscious
level while it was actually wearing us down.  Even a moderate and
familiar stimulation, like a day at work, can cause an HSP to need
quiet by evening.  At that point, one more .~small" stimulation can
be the last straw.   
Stimulation is even more complicated because the same stimulus can
have different meanings for different people.  A crowded shopping
mall at Christmastime may remind one per-  The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive   
9   VALUING YOUR SENSITIVITY   
Think back to one or more times that your sensitivity has saved you
or someone else from suffering, great loss, or even death.  (In my
own case, I and all my family would be dead if I had not awakened
at the first flicker of firelight in the ceiling of an old wooden
house in which we were living.)   
son of happy family shopping excursions and create a warm holiday
spirit.  But another person may have been forced to go shopping
with others, tried to buy gifts without enough money and no idea of
what to purchase, had unhappy memories of past holidays, and so
suffers intensely in malls at Christmas.   
One general nile is that when we have no control over stimulation,
it is more upsetting, even more so if we feel we are someone's
victim.  While music played by ourselves may be pleasant, heard
from the neighbor's stereo, it can be annoying, and if we have
previously asked them to turn it down, it becomes a hostile
invasion.  This book may even increase your annoyance a bit as you
begin to appreciate that you are a minority whose rights to have
less stimulation are generally ignored.   
Obviously it would help if we were enlightened and detached from
all of these associations so that nothing could arouse us.  No
wonder so many HSPs become interested in spiritual paths.   
Is Arousal Really Different From Anxiety and Fear?   
It is important not to confuse arousal with fear.  Fear creates
arousal, but so do many other emotions, including joy, curiosity,
or anger.  But we can also be overaroused by semiconscious thoughts
or low levels of excitement that create no obvious emotion.  Often
we are not aware of what is arousing us, such as the newness of a
situation or noise or the many things our eyes are seeing.   
Actually, there are several ways to be aroused and still other ways
to feel aroused, and they differ from time to time and from  10   The Highly Sensitive Person   person to person.  Arousal may
appear as blushing, trembling, heart pounding, hands shaking, foggy
thinking, stomach churning, muscles tensing, and hands or other
parts of the body perspiring.  Often people in such situations are
not aware of some or all of these reactions as they occur.  On the
other hand, some people say they feel aroused, but that arousal
shows up very little in any of these ways.  Still, the term does
describe something that all these experiences and physical states
share.  Like the word "stress," arousal is a word that really
communicates something we all know about, even if that something
varies a lot.  And of course stress is closely related to arousal:
Our response to stress is to become aroused.   
Once we do notice arousal we want to name it and know its source in
order to recognize danger.  And often we think that our arousal is
due to fear.  We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from
the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation.  Or other people
assume we are afraid, given our obvious arousal, so we assume it,
too.  Then, deciding we must be afraid, we become even more
aroused.  And we avoid the situation in the future when staying in
it and getting used to it might have calmed us down.  We will
discuss again the importance of not confusing fear and arousal in
chapter 5 when we talk about "shyness."   
Your Trait Really Does Make You Special   
There are many fruits growing from the trait of sensitivity.  Your
mind works differently.  Please remember that what follows is on
the average; nobody has all these traits.  But compared to
non-HSPs, most of us are:   
. Better at spotting errors and avoiding making errors.   
. Highly conscientious.   
. Able to concentrate deeply.  (But we do best without
distractions.)   
Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed, and
the detection of minor differences.   
. Able to process material to deeper levels of what psychologists
call "semantic memory."  The Facts About Being Highly Sensilive   . Able to learn without
being aware we have learned.   
. Deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions.   
Of course, there are many exceptions, especially to our being
conscientious.  And we don't want to be self-righteous about this;
plenty of harm can be done in the name of trying to do good. 
Indeed, all of these fruits have their bruised spots.   We are so
skilled, but alas, when being watched, timed, or evaluated, we
often cannot display our competence.  Our deeper processing may
make it seem that at first we are not catching on, but with time we
understand and remember more than others.  This may be why HSPs
learn languages better (although arousal may make one less fluent
than others when speaking).   
By the way, thinking more than others about our own thoughts is not
selfcenteredness.  It means that if asked what's on our mind, we
are less likely to mention being aware of the world around us, and
more likely to mention our inner reflections or musings.  But we
are no less likely to mention thinking about other people.   
Our bodies are different too.  Most of us have nervous systems that
make us:   
Specialists in fine motor movements.   Good at holding still.   
Morning people." (Here there are many exceptions.)   
More affected by stimulants like caffeine unless we are very used
to them.   
More `right-brained" (less linear, more creative in a synthesizing
way).   
More sensitive to things in the air.  ()`es, that means more hay
frver and skin rashes.)   
Overall, again, our nervous systems seem designed to react to
subtle experiences, which als~~ makes us slower to recover when we
must react to intense stimuli.   
But HSPs are not in a more aroused state all the time.  We are not
"chronically aroused" in day-to-day life or when asleep.   We are
just more aroused by new or prolonged stimulation.  12   The Highly Sensitive Person   (Being an HSP is not the same as
being "neurotic"-that is, constantly anxious for no apparent
reason).   
How to Think About Your Differences   
I hope that by now you are seeing your trait in positive terms.  
But I really suggest trying to view it as neutml.  It becomes an
advantage or disadvantage only when you enter a particular
situation.  Since the trait exists in all higher animals, it must
have value in many circumstances.  My hunch is that it survives in
a certain percentage of all higher animals because it is useful to
have at least a few around who are always watching for subtle
signs.  Fifteen to 20 percent seems about the right proportion to
have always on the alert for danger, new foods, the needs of the
young and sick, and the habits of other animals.   
Of course, it is also good to have quite a few in a group who are
not so alert to all the dangers and consequences of every action. 
They will rush out without a whole lot of thought to explore every
new thing or fight for the group or territory.   Every society
needs both.  And maybe there is a need for more of the less
sensitive because more of them tend to get killed!   This is all
speculation, of counse.   
Another hunch of mine, however, is that the human race benefits
more from HSPs than do other species.  HSPs do more of that which
makes humans different from other animals: We imagine
possibilities.  We humans, and HSPs especially, are acutely aware
of the past and future.  On top of that, if necessity is the mother
of invention, HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent
solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to
hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness.   
Sometimes people with our trait are said to be less happy or less
capable of happiness.  Of course, we can seem unhappy and moody, at
least to non-HSPs, because we spend so much time thinking about
things like the meaning of life and death and how complicated
everythng is-not black-and-white thoughts at all.  Since most
non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they
assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.  And we
certainly don~t get any hap-  The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive   
13   pier having them tell us we are unhappy (by their definition
of happy) and that we are a problem for them because we seem
unhappy.  All those accusations could make anyone unhappy.   
The point is best made by Aristotle, who supposedly asked, "Would
you rather be a happy pig or an unhappy human?" HSPs prefer the
good feeling of being very conscious, very human, even if what we
are conscious of is not always cause for rejoicing.   
The point, however, is not that non-HSPs are pigs!  I know someone
is going to say I am trying to make an elite out of us.   But that
would last about five minutes with most HSPs, who would soon feel
guilty for feeling superior.  I'm just out to en- courage us enough
to make more of us feel like equals.   
Heredity and Environment   
Some of you may be wondering if you really inherited this trait,
especially if you remember a time when your sensitivity seemed to
begin or greatly increase.   
In most cases, sensitivity is inhented.  The evidence for this is
strong, mainly from studies of identical twins who were raised
apart but grew up behaving similafly, which always suggests that
behavior is at least partly genetically determined.   
On the other hand, it is not always true that both separated twins
show the trait, even if they are identical.  For example, each twin
will also tend to develop a personality quite like the mother
raising that twin, even though she is not the biological mother. 
The fact is, there are probably no inherited traits that cannot
also be enhanced, decreased, or entirely produced or eliminated by
enough of certain kinds of life experiences.  For example, a child
under stress at home or at school only needs to be born with a
slight tendency to be sensitive and he or she will withdraw.  Which
may explain why children who have older brothers and sisters are
more likely to be HSPs-and that would have nothing to do with
genes.  Similarly, studies of baby monkeys traumatized by
separation from their mothers have found that these monkeys in
adulthood behave much like monkeys born innately sensitive.   
Circumstances can also force the trait to disappear.  Many  14   The Highly Sensitive Person   children born very sensitive are
pushed hard by parents, schools, or friends to be bolder.  Living
in a noisy or crowded environment, growing up in a large family, or
being made to be more physically active may sometimes reduce
sensitivity, just as sensitive animals that are handled a great
deal will sometimes lose some of their natural caution, at least
with certain people or in specific situations.  That the underlying
trait is entirely gone, however, seems unlikely.   
~atAbout You?   
It is difficult to know for any particular adult whether you
inherited the trait or developed it during your life.  The best
evidence, though hardly perfect, is whether your parents remember
you as sensitive from the time you were born.  If it is easy to do
so, ask them, or whoever was your caretaker, to tell you all about
what you were like in the first six months of life.   
Probably you will learn more if you do not begin by asking if you
were sensitive.  Just ask what you were like as a baby.   Often the
stories about you will tell it all.  After a while, ask about some
typical signs of highly sensitive babies.  Were you difficult about
change-about being undressed and put into water at bath time, about
trying new foods, about noise?  Did you have colic often?  Were you
slow to fall asleep, hard to keep asleep, or a short sleeper,
especially when you were overtired?   
Remember, if your parents had no experience with other babies, they
may not have noticed anything unusual at that age because they had
no one to compare you to.  Also, given all the blaming of parents
for their children's every difficulty, your parents may need to
convince you and themselves that all was perfect in your childhood.

If you want, you can reassure them that you know they did their
best and that all babies pose a few problems but that you wonder
which problems you presented.   
You might also let them see the questionnaire at the front of this
book.  Ask them if they or anyone else in your family has this
trait.  Especially if you find relatives with it on both sides, the
odds are very good your trait is inherited.   
But what if it wasn~t or you aren~t sure?  It probably does not
matter at all.  What does is that it is your trait now.  So do not 
The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive   
15   struggle too long over the question.  The next topic is far
more important.   
Learning About Our Culture-   
Wbat You Don't Realize WILL Hurt You   
You and I are learning to see our trait as a neutral thing-useful
in some situations, not in others-but our culture definitely does
not see it, or any trait, as neutml.  The anthropologist Margaret
Mead explained it well.  Although a culture's newborns will show a
broad range of inherited temperaments, only a narrow band of these,
a certain type, will be the ideal.  The ideal personality is
embodied, in Mead's words, in "every thread of the social fabric-in
the care of the young child, the games the children play, the songs
the people sing, the political organization, the religious
observance, the art and the philosophy." Other traits are ignored,
discournged, or if all else fails, ridiculed.   
What is the ideal in our culture?  Movies, advertisements, the
design of public spaces, all tell us we should be as tough as the
Terminator, as stoic as Clint Eastwood, as outgoing as Goldie Hawn.

We should be pleasantly stimulated by bright lights, noise, a gang
of cheerful fellows hanging out in a bar.  If we   
are feeling overwhelmed and sensitive, we can always take a
painkiller.   
If you remember only one thing from this book, it should be the
following research study.  Xinyin Chen and Kenneth Rubin of the
University of Waterloo in Ontano, Canada, and Yuerong Sun of
Shanghai Teachers University compared 480 schoolchildren in
Shanghai to 296 in Canada to see what traits made children most
popular.  In China "shy" and "sensitive" children were among those
most chosen by others to be friends or playmates.  (In Mandarin,
the word for shy or quiet means good or well-behaved; sensitive can
be translated as "having understanding," a term of praise.)  In
Canada, shy and sensitive children were among the least chosen. 
Chances are, this is the kind of attitude you faced growing up.   
Think about the impact on you of not being the ideal for your
culture.  It has to affect you-not only how othens have treated you
but how you have come to treat yourself.  16   The Highly Sensitive Person   SHEDDING THE MAJORITY'S RULE   
What was your parents' attitude toward your sensitivity?  Did they
want you to keep it or lose it?  Did they think of it as an
inconvenience, as shyness, unmanliness, cowardice, a sign of
artistic ability, cute?  What about your other relatives, your
friends, your teachers?   
2.  Think about the media, especially in childhood.  Who were your
role models and idols?  Did they seem like HSPs?  Or were they
people you now see you could never be like?   
3.  Consider your resulting attitude.  How has it affected your
career, romantic relationships, recreational activities, and fri
end- ships?   
4.  How are you as an HSP being treated now by the media?   Think
about positive and negative images of HSPs.  Which predominate? 
(Note that when someone is a victim in a movie or book, he or she
is often portrayed as by nature sensitive, vulnerable, overaroused.

This is good for dramatic effect, because the victim is visibly
shaken and upset, but bad for HSPs, because victim comes to be
equated with sensitivity.)   
5.  Think about how HSPs have contributed to society Look for
examples you know personally or have read about.  Abraham Lincoln
is probably a place to start.   
6.  Think about your own contribution to society Whatever you are
doing-sculpting, raising children, studying physics, voting- you
tend to reflect deeply on the issues, attend to the details, have
a vision of the future, and attempt to be conscientious.   
Psychology's Bias   
Psychological research is gaining valuable insights about people,
and much of this book is based on those findings.  But psychology
is not perfect.  It can only reflect the biases of the culture from
which it comes.  I could give example after example of research in
psychology that reflects a bias that people I call HSPs are less
happy and less mentally healthy even less creative and  The Facts About Being Highly Sensrnve   
17   intelligent (the first two are definitely not true).  However,
I will save these examples for reeducating my colleagues.  Just be
careful about accepting labels for yourself, such as "inhibited,"
"introverted," or ~shy." As we move on, you'll understand why each
of these mislabels you.  In general, they miss the essence of the
trait and give it a negative tone For example, research has found
that most people, quite wrongly, associate introversion with poor
mental health.  When HSPs identify with these labels, their
confidence drops lower, and their arousal increases in situations
in which people thus labeled are expected to be awkward.   
It helps to know that in cultures in which the trait is more
valued, such as Japan, Sweden, and China, the research takes on a
different tone.  For example, Japanese psychologists seem to expect
their sensitive subjects to perform better, and they do.   When
studying stress, Japanese psychologists see more flaws in the way
that the nonsensitive cope.  There is no point in blaming our
culture's psychology or its well-meaning researchers, however. 
They are doing their best.   
Royal Advisors and Warrior Kings   
For better and worse, the world is increasingly under the control
of aggressive cultures-those that like to look outward, to expand,
to compete and win.  This is because, when cultures come in
contact, the more aggressive ones naturally tend to take over.   
How did we get into this situation?  For most of the world, it
began on the steppes of Asia, where the Indo-European culture was
born.  Those horse-riding nomads survived by expanding their herds
of horses and cattle, mainly by stealing the herds and lands of
others.  They entered Europe about seven thousand years ago,
reaching the Middle East and South Asia a little later.   Before
their arrival there was little or no warfare, slavery, monarchy, or
domination of one class by another.  The newcomers made serfs or
slaves out of the people they found, the ones without horses, built
walled cities where there had been peaceful settlements, and set
out to expand into larger kingdoms or empires through war or trade.

 
The most long-lasting, happy Indo-European cultures have  18   The Highly Sensitive Person   always used two classes to
govern themselves-the warrior-kings balanced by their royal or
priestly advisors.  And Indo-European cultures have done well for
themselves.  Half of the world speaks an Indo-European language,
which means they cannot help but think in an Indo-European way. 
Expansion, freedom, and fame are good.  Those are the values of the
warrior-kings.   
For aggressive societies to survive, however, they always need that
priest-judge-advisor class as well.  This class balances the kings
and warriors (as the U.S.  Supreme Court balances the president and
his armed forces).  It is a more thoughfful group, often acting to
check the impulses of the warrior-kings.  Since the advisor class
often proves right, its members are respected as counselors,
historians, teachers, scholars, and the upholders of justice.  They
have the foresight, for example, to look out for the well-being of
those common folks on whom the society depends, those who grow the
food and raise the children.  They warn against hasty wans and bad
use of the land.   
In short, a strong royal advisor class insists on stopping and
thinking.  And it tries, I think with growing success in modern
times, to direct the wonderful, expansive energy of their society
away from aggression and domination.  Better to use that energy for
creative inventions, exploration, and protection of the planet and
the powerless.   
HSPs tend to fill that advisor role.  We are the writers,
historians, philosophens, judges, artists, researchens,
theologians, therapists, teachers, parents, and plain conscientious
citizens.   What we bring to any of these roles is a tendency to
think about all the possible effects of an idea.  Often we have to
make ourselves unpopular by stopping the majority from rushing
ahead.  Thus, to pefform our role well, we have to feel very good
about ourselves.  We have to ignore all the messages from the
warriors that we are not as good as they are.  The warriors have
their bold style, which has its value.  But we, too, have our style
and our own important contribution to make.   
The Case of Charles   
Charles was one of the few HSPs I interviewed who had known he was
sensitive his whole life and always saw it as a good  The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive   
19   thing.  His unusual childhood and its consequences are a fine
demonstration of the importance of self-esteem and of the effect of
one's culture.   
Charles is happily married for the second time and enjoys a
well-paid and admirable academic career of service and scholarship.

In his leisure time he is a pianist of exceptional talent.   And he
has a deep sense that these gifts are more than sufficient to give
meaning to his life.  After hearing all of this at the outset of
our interview, I was, naturally, curious about his background.   
Here is Charles's first memory.  (I always ask this in my
interviews~ven if inaccurate, what is recalled usually sets the
tone or provides the theme of the whole life.)  He is standing on
a sidewalk at the back of a crowd that is admiring a window filed
with Christmas decorations.  He cries out, `~Everyone away, I want
to see." They laugh and let him come to the front.   
What confidence!  This courage to speak up so boldly surely began
at home.   
Charles's parents were delighted by his sensitivity.  In their
circle of friends-their artistic, intellectual subculture
sensitivity was associated with particular intelligence, good
breeding, and fine tastes.  Rather than being upset that he studied
so much instead of playing games with other boys, his parents
encoumged him to read even more.  To them, Charles was the ideal
son.   
With this backgn~und, Charles believed in himself.  He knew he had
absorbed excellent aesthetic tastes and moral values at an early
age.  He did not see himself as flawed in any way.  He did
eventually realize he was unusual, part of a minority, but his
entire subculture was unusual, and it had taught him to see that
subculture as superior, not inlenor.  He had always felt confident
among strangers, even when he was enrolled in the best preparatory
schools, followed by an Ivy League university, and then took a
position as a professor.   
When I asked Charles if he saw any advantages of the trait, he had
no trouble reciting many.  For example, he was certain it
contributed to his musical ability.  It had also helped him deepen
his self-awareness during several years of psychoanaly20   The Highly Sensitive Person   peace with them, noise bothers
him a great deal, so he lives ina quiet neighborhood, surrounding
himself with lovely and subtie sounds, induding a fountain in his
backyard and good music.  He has deep emotions that can lead to
occasional depression, but he exPlores and resolves his feelings. 
He knows he takes things too hard but tries to allow for that.   
His experience of overarousal is mainly of an intense physical
response, the aftermath of which can prevent him from sleeping. 
But usually he can handle it in the moment through self-control, by
"comporting myself a certain way." When matters at work overwhelm
him, he leaves as soon as he is not needed and "walks it out" or
plays the piano.  He deliberately avoided a business career because
of his sensitivity.  When he was promoted to an academic position
that stressed him too much, he changed positions as soon as he
could.   
Charles has organized his life around his trait, maintaining an
optimal level of arousal without feeling in any way flawed for
doing so.  When I asked, as I usually do, what advice he would give
others, he said, "Spend enough time putting yourself out there in
the world-your sensitivity is not something to be feared."   
A Reason for Great Pride   
This first chapter may have been very stimulating!  All sorts of
strong, confusing feelings could be arising in you by now.  I know
from experience, however, that as you read and work through this
book, those feelings will become increasingly clear and positive. 
 
To sum it up again, you pick up on the subtleties that others miss
and so naturally you also arrive quickly at the level of arousal
past which you are no longer comfortable.  That first fact about
you could not be true without the second being true as well.  It's
a package deal, and a very good package.   
It's also important that you keep in mind that this book is about
both your personal innate physical trait and also about your
frequently unappreciated social importance.  You were born to be
among the advisors and thinkers, the spiritual and moral leaders of
your society.  There is every reason for pride.  The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive   
21   Working With What You Have Learned   
Reframing Your Reactions to Change   
At the end of some chapters I will ask you to "reframe" your
experiences in the light of what you now know.  Reframing is a term
from cognitive psychotherapy which simply means seeing something in
a new way, in a new context, with a new frame around it.   
Your first reframing task is to think about three major changes in
your life that you remember well.  HSPs usually respond to change
with resistance.  Or we try to throw ourselves into it, but we
still suffer from it.  We just don't "do" change well, even good
changes.  That can be the most maddening.   When my novel was
published and I had to go to England to promote it, I was finally
living a fantasy I had chenshed for years.  Of course, I got sick
and hardly enjoyed a minute of the trip.  At the time, I thought I
must be neurotically robbing myself of my big moment.  Now,
understanding this trait, I see that the trip was just too
exciting.   
My new understanding of that experience is exactly what I mean by
reframing.  So now it is your turn.  Think of three major changes
or surprises in your life.  Choose one-a loss or ending-that seemed
bad at the time.  Choose one that seems as if it should have been
neutral, just a major change.  And one that was good, something to
celebrate or something done for you and meant to be kind.  Now
follow these steps for each.   
1.  Think ahout your response to the chan~e and how you have always
viewed it.  Did you feel you responded "wrong" or not as others
would have?  Or for too long?  Did you decide you were no good in
some way?  Did you try to hide your upset from others?  Or did
others find out and tell you that you were being "too much"?   
Here's an example of a negative change.  Josh is thirty now, but
for more than twenty years he has carried a sense of shame from
when, in the middle of third grade, he had to go to a new
elementary school.  He had been well enough liked at his old  22   The Highly Sensifl~'e Person   school for his drawing ability,
his sense of humor, his ftinny choices of clothes and such.  At the
new school these same qualities made him the target of bullying and
teasing.  He acted as if he didn't care, but deep inside he felt
awftil.  Even at thirty, in the back of his mind he wondered if he
hadn't deserved to be so `unpopulan" Maybe be really was odd and a
"weakling." Or else why hadn't he defended himself better?  Maybe
it was all true.   
2.  Go~~ideryour response in the `1g~ht of what you know now about
hou your body automatically operates.  In the case of josh I would
say that he was highly aroused during those first weeks at the new
school.  It must have been difficult to think up clever kid stuff
to say, to succeed in the games and classroom tasks by which other
children \udge a new student.  The bullies saw him as an easy
target who could make them appear tougher.   The others were afraid
to defend him.  He lost confidence and felt flawed, not likable. 
This intensified his arousal when he tried anything new while
others were around.  He could never seem relaxed and normal.  It
was a painft~l time but nothing to be ashamed of.   
3.  Think f there's anything that needs to be done now.  I
Cspecially recommend sharing your new view of the situation with
someone else-provided they will appreciate it.  I)erhaps it could
even be someone who was present at the time who could help you
continue to fit details into the picture.  I also advocate writing
down your old and new views of the experience and keeping them
around for a while as a reminder.  2    Digging Deeper   
Understanding Your Trait for All That It Is   
Now let's rearrange your mental furniture and make it impossible
for you to doubt the reality of your trait.  This is important, for
the trait has been discussed so little in the field of psychology. 
We'll look at a case history as well as scientific evidence, most
of it from studying children's temperaments, which makes it all the
more fitting that the case history is a tale of two children.   
Observing Rob and Rebecca   
About the time I began studying high sensitivity, a close friend
gave birth to twins-a boy, Rob, and a girl, Rebecca.  From the
first day one could sense a difference between them, and I
understood exactly what it was.  The scientist in me was delighted.

 Not only would I watch a highly sensitive child growing up, but
Rob came with his own "control group," or comparison, his sister,
Rebecca, born into exactly the same environment.   
A particular benefit of knowing Rob from birth was that it
dispelled any doubts I had about the trait being inheritable.  
While it is true that he and his sister were also treated differ- 
 23  24   The Highly Sensitive Person   ently from the start, at first
that was largely because of his sensitivity, a difference he
brought into the world.  (Being different genders, Rob and Rebecca
are fraternal twins, not identical, which means that their genes
are no more similar than are those of any brother's and sister's.) 
 
To add frosting to this psychologist's cake, the genders associated
with sensitivity were switched.  The boy, Rob, was the sensitive
one; the girl, Rebecca, was not.  The stereotypes were also
reversed in that Rob was smaller than Rebecca.   
As you read about Rob, don't be surprised if you experience an
emotional response.  The whole point of my description is that some
of it may also apply to you.  Thus, vague memories, or feelings
from before you can remember what the feelings were attached to,
may return.  Be easy about such feelings.  Just observe them.  In
fact, it might be helpftil to write them down.   It will be useful
information as you read and work through the next few chapters  
Sleep Troubles   In the first few days afier Rob and Rebecca were
born, the differences in temperament were greatest when the infants
were tired.  Rebecca would fall asleep easily and not wake up. 
Especially as a result of some change-visitors, travel-Rob would
stay awake and cry.  Which would mean that Mom or Dad would have to
walk, rock, sing, or pat him, trying to bring him to a peaceful
state.   
With a slightly older sensitive child, current advice is to put the
child to bed and let the quiet and dark gradually temper the
overstimulation that is the true cause of the crying.  HSPs know
all about being "too tired to sleep." They are actually too fraz  

zied to sleep.   
Leaving a newborn to scream for an hour, however, is morethan most
parents can bear, probably because it is not really very wise to do
so.  A newborn is usually best soothed by motion.  In Rob's case,
his pa?ents finally found that an electric   
swing induced sleep best.   
Then came the problem of his remaining asleep.  There are always
points in anyone's sleep cycle that make it very easy or  Digging Deeper   
25   difficult to be awakened, but sensitive children seem to have
fewer periods of deep, imperturbable sleep.  And once awake, they
have greater difficulty going back to sleep.  (Remember, this was
probably also true of you, whether you remember or not.)   My own
solution, with our highly sensitive child, was to use blankets to
cover his crib.  In his little tent all was quiet and cozy,
especially if we were laying him down in an unfamiliar place. 
Sometimes sensitive children really force their parents to be both
empathic and creative.   
One Night, Two Kids   
When Rob and Rebecca were almost three, their little brother was
born.  My husband and I visited for the night and slept in the bed
of their parents, who were at the hospital.  We had been warned
that Rob might wake up at least once, frightened by a bad dream. 
(He had many more of them than his sister-HSPs often do.)   
As expected, at five in the morning Rob wandered in, crying softly.

When he saw the wrong people in his parents' bed, his sleepy moans
became screams.   
I have no idea what his mind envisioned.  Perhaps "Danger!   Mother
is gone!  Horrible beings have taken her place!"   
Most parents agree that everything gets easier once a child can
understand words.  This is so much more true with a highly
sensitive child, caught up in his own imagination.  The trick was
to slip some quick, soothing words of mine in between his sobs.   
Fortunately, Rob has a great sense of humor.  So I reminded him of
a recent evening when I had baby-sat and served the two of them
cookies as "appetizers," before dinner.   
He gulped and stared, then smiled.  And somewhere in his brain, I
moved from the category of Monster Who Has Taken Mother to Silly
Elaine.   
I asked him if he wanted to join us, but I knew he would choose his
own bed.  Soon he was back there, sleeping soundly.   
In the morning Rebecca came in.  When she saw that her parents were
gone, she smiled and said, "Hi, Elaine.  Hi, Art," and walked out. 
That is the difference in the non-HSP.   
It is painful to imagine what would have happened if I had  26   The Highly Sensitit'e Person   been the sort to have shouted
at Rob to shut up and get back to bed.  He probably would have done
just that, feeling abandoned in a dangerous world.  But he would
not have slept.  His intuitive mind would have elaborated on the
experience for hours, including probably deciding he was somehow to
blame.   With sensitive children, physical blows or traumas aren't
required to make them afraid of the dark.   
Rounding Out Our Picture of Rob   
By day, when the twins went out with their parents during that
first year, the mariachi band at the Mexican restaurant fascinated
Rebecca; it made Rob cry.  In their second year, Rebecca was
delighted by ocean waves, haircuts, and merry-go-rounds; Rob was
afraid of them, at least at first, just as he was on the first day
of nursery school and with the stimulation accompanying each
birthday and holiday.  Furthermore, Rob developed fears- of
pinecones, of figures printed on his bedspread, of shadows on the
wall.  The fears were strange and unrealistic to us, but they were
certainly real to him.   
In short, Rob's childhood has been a little difficult for him and
for his caring, stable, competent parents.  Actually, unfair as it
is, the difficult aspects of any temperament are displayed more
when the home environment is sound.  Otherwise in order to survive,
an infant will do whatever he or she must to adapt to the
caretakers, with temperament going underground to resurface in some
other way later, perhaps in stress-related physical symptoms.  But
Rob is free to be who he is, so his sensitivity is out there for
all to see.  He can express his feelings, and as a result he can
learn what does and does not work.   
For example, during his first four years, when Rob was overwhelmed,
he would often burst into angry tears.  At these times, his parents
would patiently help him contain his feelings.  And with every
month he seemed better able to not become overwhelmed.  When
watching a movie with scary or sad sequences, for example, he
learned to tell himself what his parents would say: "It's just a
movie, or, "Yeah, but I know it ends okay." Or he would close his
eyes and cover his ears or leave the room for a little while.  Digging Deeper   
27   Probably because he is more cautious, he has been slower to
learn some physical skills.  With other boys he is less comfortable
with wilder, rougher play.  But he wants to be like them and tries,
so he is accepted.  And thanks to careful attention to his
adjustment, thus far he likes school a great deal.   
There are some other points about Rob that are not surprising,
given his trait: He has an extraordinary imagination.  He is drawn
to everything artistic, especially music (true for many HSPs).  He
is ftinny and a great ham when he feels at home with his audience. 
Since he was three he has "thought like a lawyer," quick to notice
fine points and make subtle distinctions.  He is concerned about
the suffering of others and polite, kind, and considerate~xcept,
perhaps, when he is overcome by tOO much stimulation.  His sister,
meanwhile has her own numerous virtues.  One is that she is a
steady Sort, the anchor in her brother's life.   
What makes Rob and Rebecca so very different from each other?  What
makes you answer yes to so many items on the self- test at the
beginning of this book when most people would not?   
You Are Truly a Dlfl~rent Breed   
Jerome Kagan, a psychologist at Harvard, has devoted much of his
career to the study of this trait.  For him it is as observable a
difference as hair or eye color.  Of course, he calls it other
names-inhibitedness, shyness, or timidity in children-and I cannot
agree with his terms.  But I understand that from the out- side,
and especially in a laboratory setting, the children he studies do
seem mainly inhibited, shy, or timid.  Just remember as I discuss
Kagan that sensitivity is the real trait and that a child standing
still and observing others may be quite uninhibited inside in his
or her processing of all the nuances of what is being seen.   
Kagan has been following the development of twenty-two children
with the trait.  He is also studying nineteen who seemed to be very
"uninhibited." According to their parents, as infants the
"inhibited" children had had more allergies, insomnia, colic, and
constipation than the average child.  As young children, seen in
the laboratory for the first time, their heartbeat rates are gen  28   The Highly Sensitive Person   erally higher and under stress
show less change.  (Heart ratecan't change much if it is already
high.)  Also when under stress, their pupils dilate sooner and
their vocal cords are more tense, making their voice change to a
higher pitch.  (Many HSPs are relieved to know why their voice can
become so strange sounding when they are aroused.)   
The body fluids (blood, urine, saliva) of sensitive children show
indications of high levels of norepinephrine present in their
brains, especially after the children are exposed to various forms
of stress in the laboratory.  Norepinephrine is associated with
arousal; in fact, it is the brain's version of adrenaline. 
Sensitive children's body fluids also contain more cortisol, both
when under stress and when at home.  Cortisol is the hormone
present when one is in a more or less constant state of arousal or
wariness.  Remember cortisol; it comes up again.   
Kagan then studied infants to see which ones would grow into
"inhibited" children.  He found that about 20 percent of all babies
are "highly reactive" when exposed to various stimuli: They pump
and flex their limbs vigorously, arch their backs as if irritated
or trying to get away, and frequently cry.  A year later,
two-thirds of the study's reactive babies were "inhibited" children
and showed high levels of fear in new situations.  Only 10 percent
showed low levels.  So the trait is roughly observable from birth,
as was the case with Rob.   
All of this suggests what I have already said-that sensitive
children come with a built-in tendency to react more strongly to
external stimuli.  But Kagan and others are discovering the details
that make that so.  For example, Kagan found that babies who later
showed this trait also had cooler foreheads on the right side of
their head, which indicates greater activity on the right side of
the brain.  (The blood is drawn away from the surface toward the
activity.)  Other studies have also found that many HSPs have more
activity in the right hemisphere of the brain, especially those who
stay sensitive from birth into childhood-that is, were clearly born
that way.   
Kagan's conclusion is that persons with the trait of sensitivity or
inhibitedness are a special breed.  They are genetically quite
different, although still utterly human, just as bloodhounds  Dtgglng Deeper   
29   and border collies are quite different, although both are
still definitely dogs.   
My own research also points to the idea of a distinct genetic
~breed" of sensitive people.  In my telephone survey of three
hundred randomly selected people, I found both a distinct group and
also a continuum.  On a scale of one to five, about 20 percent felt
they were "extremely" or "quite a bit" sensitive.   An additional
27 percent said "moderately." Together, those three categories
seemed like a continuum.  But then there was a sharp break.  A
measly 8 percent were "not." And a whopping 42 percent said they
were not at all" sensitive, as if we were asking Laplanders about
coconuts.   
My sense of HSPs from meeting them is that they are indeed a
distinct group, separate from the nonsensitive.  Yet among them
there is also a wide range in sensitivity.  This may be due to
there being several different causes of the trait, leading to
different kinds, or "flavors," of sensitivity, some of them
stronger than others, or to some people being bom with two kinds,
three kinds, and so on.  And there are so many ways that humans can
increase or decrease their sensitivity through experience or
conscious choice.  All of these effects could cause a blurring of
the boundary of what is still basically a separate group.   
There is no denying the sense that Rob and Rebecca are two
different sorts of humans.  You are, too.  Your differences are
very real.   
The Brain's Two Systems   
A number of researchers think that there are two systems in the
brain and that it is the balance of these two that creates
sensitivity.  One system, the "behavioral activation" (or
"approach," or "facilitation," system) is hooked up to the parts of
the brain that take in messages from the senses and send out orders
to the limbs to get moving.  This system is designed to move us
toward things, especially new ones.  It is probably meant to keep
us eagerly searching for the good things in life, like fresh food
and companionship, all of which we need for survival.  When the
activation system is operating, we are curious, bold, and
impulsive.  30   The Highly Sensitive Person   The other system is called the
"behavioral inhibition" (or "withdrawal," or "avoidance," system). 
(You can already tell by the names which is the "good" one
according to our culture.)   This system is said to move us away
from things, making us attentive to dangers.  It makes us alert,
cautious, and watchful for signs.  Not surprisingly, this system is
hooked up to all the parts of the brain Kagan noted to be more
active in his "inhibited" children.   
But what does this system really do?  It takes in everything about
a situation and then automatically compares the present to what has
been normal and usual in the past and what should be expected in
the friture.  If there is a mismatch, the system makes us stop and
wait until we understand the new circumstance.  To me this is a
very significant part of being intelligent.   So I prefer to give
it a more positive name: the automatic pause- to-check system.   
But now consider how one might have a more active pause- to-check
system.  Imagine Rob and Rebecca coming to school one morning. 
Rebecca sees the same classroom, teacher, and children as were
there yesterday.  She runs off to play.  Rob notices that the
teacher is in a bad mood, one of the children is looking angry, and
some bags are in the corner that were not there before.  Rob
hesitates and may decide that there is reason for caution.  So
sensitivity-the subtle processing of sensory information-is the
real difference once again.  Notice how psychology has described
the two systems as having opposing purposes.  How like the
opposition I described in the last chapter between the warrior-king
class and the royal-advisor cl~ss.   
This two-system explanation of sensitivity also suggests tw0
different types of HSPs.  Some might have only an average- strength
pause-to-check system but an activation system that is even weaker.

This kind of HSP might be very calm, quiet, and content with a
simple life.  It's as if the royal advisors are monks who rule the
whole countryYperson.  Another kind of HSP could potentially have
an even stronger pause-to-check system but an activation system
that is also very strong-just not quite as strong.  This kind of
HSP would be both very curious and very cautious, bold yet anxious,
easily bored yet easily overaroused.   The optimal level of arousal
is a narrow range.  One could say  Digging Deeper   
31   there is a constant power struggle between the advisor and the
impulsive, expansive warrior within the person.   
I think Rob is this type.  Other young children, however, are
described as so quiet and uncunous that they are in danger of being
ignored and neglected.   
What type are you?  Does your pause-to-check/advisor system rule
alone, thanks to a quiet activator/warrior-king system?   That is,
is it easy for you to be content with a quiet life?  Or are the two
branches that govern you in constant conflict?  That is, do you
always want to be trying new things even if you know that afterward
you will be exhausted?   
You Are More Than Genes and Systems   
Let's not forget that you are a complicated being.  Certain
investigators, such as Mary Rothbart of the University of Oregon,
are adamant that temperament is quite a different matter when you
study adult humans, who can reason, make choices, and exert
willpower to follow through on their choices.  Rothbart believes
that if psychologists study children and animals too much, they
will overlook the role of human thinking and a lifetime's
experience.   
Let's go over your development, and Rob's, as Rothbart sees it, and
how being sensitive would differ at each stage.   
At birth, an infant's only reaction is negative-irritability,
discomfort.  Sensitive babies like you and Rob were mainly
different in being more irritable and uncomfortable-what Kagan
called "highly reactive.   
At about two months the behavioral-activation system becomes
functional.  Now you showed an interest in new things in case they
might satisfy your needs.  Along with that came a new feeling-anger
and frustration when you did not get what you wanted.  So positive
emotions and anger were possible, and how much you felt them
depended on the strength of your activation system.  Rob, having
both systems strong, became an easily angered baby.  But sensitive
babies with a low activation system would be placid and "good" at
this age.   
At six months your superior automatic pause-to-check system came on
line.  You could compare present experiences with  32   The Highly Sensitive Person   those of the past, and if the
present ones were upsetting, as those in the past, you would
experience fear.  But again, you saw more subtle differences in
each experience.  For you there was more that was unfamiliar and
possibly frightening.   
At this point, six months, every experience becomes very important
for HSPs.  One can see how a few bad experiences when approaching
new things could turn the pause-to-check system into a
pause-and-do-nothing system, a true inhibition system.  The best
way to avoid bad things would seem to be avoiding everything.  And,
of course, the more the world is avoided, the newer everything will
seem.  Imagine how frightening the world could have seemed to you. 
 
Finally, around ten months, you began to develop the ability to
shift your attention, to decide how to experience something, or to
stop a behavior.  Only at this point could you start to handle
conflicts between the two systems.  A conflict would be 1 u~a~~t to
trV that, but it seems so strange.  (At ten months we might not use
those words, but that would be the idea.)  But now you could make
some choices about which emotion to obey.  One could almost see Rob
doing it: Okay, it's unjamiliar, hut I'll go ahead, anyway.   
You probably had favorite methods of overriding the pause- to-check
system if it slowed you too long or often.  One way might have been
to imitate those with less of it.  You just went ahead and got some
good things, too, like them, in spite of your caution.  Another
might have been the recategorizing of the stimulation to make it
familiar.  The growling wolf in the movie `is just a big dog." But
most of your help probably came from others who wanted you to feel
safe, not afraid.   
Social help with fears involves yet another system that Rothbart
believes is highly developed in adult humans.  It also arrives at
about ten months.  With it, a child begins to connect with others,
to enjoy them.  If these social experiences are positive and
supportive, another physiological system develops for which humans
are biologically prepared.  One could call this the loving system. 
It creates endorphins, the ~good feeling" neurochemicals.   
How much could you overcome your fears by trusting others to help? 
Who was around whom you could rely on?  Did  Digging Deeper   
33   you act as if Mother is here so I'll t?y?  Did you learn to
imitate her calming words and deeds, applying them to yourself? 
"Don't be afraid, it'll be okay." I have seen Rob using all of
these methods.   
Now you might spend a moment thinking about yourself and your
childhood, and we will do more of this in the next two chapters. 
1 know you don't really remember, but judging from what facts you
have, what was that first year probab4 like?   How does your
thinking and self-control affect your sensitivity now?  Are there
times when you can control your arousal?  Who taught you to do so? 
Who were your role models?  Do you think you were taught to control
your cautiousness too much so that you dare to do more than your
body can handle?  Or does it seem that your lesson was that the
world is unsafe and over- arousal is uncontrollable?   
How Trust Becomes Mistrust and the Unfamiliar   
Becomes Dangerous   
Most researchers on temperament have studied short-term arousal. 
It's easy to study, for it's quite apparent from the higher levels
of heartbeat, respiration, perspiration, pupil dilation, and
adrenaline.   
There is another system of arousal, however, that is gov   
erned more by hormones.  It goes into action just as quickly,
butthe effect of its main product, cortisol, is most noticeable
after ten to twenty minutes.  An important point is that when
cortisol is present, the short-term arousal response is also even
more likely.  That is, this long-term type of arousal makes us even
more excitable, more sensitive, than before.   
Most of the effects of cortisol occur over hours or even days.   
They are mainly measured in the blood, saliva, or urine, so
studying long-term arousal is less convenient.  But psychologist
Megan Gunnar of the University of Minnesota thought that the whole
point of the pause-to-check system might be to protect the
individual from this unhealthy, unpleasant, long-term   
arousal.   
Research shows that when people first encounter something new and
potentially threatening, the short-ten~ response always  34   The Highly Sensitive Person   comes first.  Meanwhile, we
start to consider our resources.  What are our abilities?  What
have we learned about this sort of situation from past experiences?

Who is around who might help out?  If we think we or those with us
can cope with the situation, we stop seeing it as a threat.  The
short-term alert dies out, and the long-term alarm never goes off. 
 
Gunnar demonstrated this process in an interesting experiment.  She
set up a threatening situation much like those Kagan uses to
identify "inhibited" children.  But first, the nine-month- old
babies were separated from their mothers for a half hour.   Half
were left with a very attentive baby-sitter who responded to all of
the child's moods.  The other half were left with a baby-sitter who
was inattentive and unresponsive unless the child actually fussed
or cried.  Next, while alone with the babysitter, each
nine-month-old was exposed to something startlingly   
new.   
What is so important here is that only the highly sensitive babies
with the inattentive baby-sitters showed more cortisol in their
saliva.  It was as if those with the attentive sitter felt they had
a resource and had no need to make a long-term stress re   
sponse.   
Suppose the caretaker is your own mother?  Psychologistsobse~ing
babies with their mothers have discovered certain signs that tell
them if a child feels "securely attached." A secure child feels
safe to explore, and new experiences are not usually seen as a
threat.  Other signs indicate that a child is "insecurely
attached." The mothers of these children are either too protective
or too neglectftil (or even dangerous).  (We will discuss
"attachment" more in chapters 3 and 4.)  Research on sensitive
children facing a novel, startling situation in the company of
their mothers has found that these children do show their usual,
strong short-term response.  But if a sensitive child is securely
attached to Mom, there is no long-term cortisol effect from the
stress.  Without secure attachment, however, a startling experience
will produce long-tern~ arousal.   
One can see why it is important that young HSPs (and older ones,
too) stay out in the' world, trying things rather than retreating. 
But their feelings about their caretakers have to be secure and
their experiences have to be successftil or their rea  Dtggtng Deeper   
35   Sons not to approach will only be proved true.  And all of
this   
gets started before you can even talk!   
Many intelligent, sensitive parents provide all the needed ex   
periences almost automatically.  Rob's parents are
constantlypraising his successes and encouraging him to test his
fears to   
see if they are realistic while offering help if he needs it.  With

 
time, his idea of the world will be that it is not as frightening 
 
as his nervous system was telling him it was during that first   
year or two.  His creative traits and intuitive abilities, all the
advantages of being sensitive, will flourish.  The difticult areas
will fade.   
When parents do nothing special to help a sensitive child   
feel safe, whether the child becomes truly `~inhibited" probably  

depends on the relative strength of the activation and
pauseto~check systems.  But remember that some parents and envi   
ronments can make matters much worse.  Certainly
repeatedfrightening experiences will strongly reinforce caution,
especially   
experiences of failing to be calmed or helped, of being pun   
ished for active exploring, and of having others who should be   
helpful become dangerous instead.   
Another important point is that the more cortisol in an in   
fant's body, the less the child will sleep, and the less sleep,
themore cortisol.  In the daytime, the more cortisol, the more
fear, the more fear, the more cortisol.  Uninterrupted sleep at
night and timely naps all reduce cortisol in infants.  And
remember, lower cortisol also means fewer short-term alarms.  It
was easy to see that this was a constant problem with Rob.  It may
have been for you, too.   
Furthermore, if sleep problems beginning in infancy are not
controlled, they may last into ad~lthood and make a highly
sensitive person almost unbearably sensitive.  So get your sleep! 
 
Into the Depths   
There is another aspect of your trait that is harder to capture in
studies or observationsexcept when strange fears and nightmares
visit the sensitive child (or adult).  To undenstand this very real
aspect of the trait, one leaves the laboratory and enters the
consulting room of the depth psychologist.  36   The Highly Sensitive Person   Depth psychologists place great
emphasis on the unconscious and the experiences imbedded there,
repressed or simply preverbal, that continue to govern our adult
life.  It is not surprising that highly sensitive children, and
adults, too, have a hard time with sleep and report more vivid,
alarming, `archetypal" dreams.  With the coming of darkness, subile
sounds and shapes begin to rule the imagination, and HSPs sense
them more.  There are also the unfamiliar experiences of the day-
some only half-noticed, some totally repressed.  All of them swirl
in the mind just as we are relaxing the conscious mind so that we
can fall asleep.   
Falling asleep, staying asleep, and going back to sleep when
awakened require an ability to soothe oneself, to feel safe in the
world.   
The only depth psychologist to write explicitly about sensitivity
was one of the founders of depth work, Carl Jung, and what he said
was important-and exceptionally positive, for a change.   
Way back when psychotherapy began with Sigmund Freud, there was
controversy about how much innate temperament shaped personality,
including emotional problems.  Before Freud, the medical
establishment had emphasized inherited constitutional differences. 
Freud tried to prove that "neurosis" (his specialty) was caused by
traumas, especially upsetting sexual experiences.  Carl Jung,
Freud's follower for a long time, split with him finally on the
issue of the centrality of sexuality.  Jung decided that the
fundamental difference was an inherited greater sensitivity.  He
believed that when highly sensitive patients had experienced a
trauma, sexual or otherwise, they had been unusually affected and
so developed a neurosis.  Note that Jung was saying that sensitive
people not traumatized in childhood are not inherently neurotic. 
One thinks of Gunnar's finding that the sensitive child with a
secure attachment to his or her mother does not feel threatened by
new experiences.  Indeed, Jung thought very highly of sensitive
people-but then he was one himself.   
That Jung wrote about HSPs is a little-known fact.  (I did not know
this when I began my work on the trait.)  For example, he said that
"a certain innate sensitiveness produces a special  Dtgglng Deeper   
37   prehistory, a special way of experiencing infantile events"
and   
that "events bound up with powerful impressions can never pass off
without leaving some trace on sensitive people." Later, Jung began
to describe introverted and intuitive types in similar ways, but
even more positively.  He said they had to be more
self-protective-what he meant by being introverted.  But he also
said that they were "educators and promoters of culture their life
teaches the other possibility, the interior life which is so
painfully wanting in our civilization."   
Such people, Jung said, are naturally more influenced by   
their unconscious, which gives them information of the "utmost
importance, a prophetic foresight." To Jung, the unconscious
contains important wisdom to be learned.  A life lived in deep
communication with the unconscious is far more influential and
personally satisfying.   
But such a life is also potentially more difficult, especially if
in childhood there were too many disturbing experiences without a
secure attachment.  As you saw from Gunnar's research and as you
will see in chapter 8, Jung was exactly right.   
So ft's Real and ft's Okay   
Rob, Jerome Kagan, Megan Gunnar, and Carl Jung should have   
you well convinced now that your trait is utterly real.  You are  

different.  In the next chapter, you will consider how you may   
need to live differently from others if you are going to be in   
healthy harmony wifl~ your quite different, highly sensitive hody. 
 
By now you may be seeing a somewhat dark picture t0(H   
one of fear, timidity, inhibitedness, and distressed overarousal. 
 Only Jung spoke of the trait's advantages, but even then it was in
terms of our connection to the depths and darkness of the psyche. 
But remember that this sort of negativity is, once again, largely
a sign of our culture's bias.  Preferring toughness, the culture
sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be
cured.  Do not forget that HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive
processing of subtle stimuli.  This is your most basic quality. 
That is a positive and accurate way to understand your trait.  38   The Highly Sensitive Person   Working With What You Have
Learned   
Your Deeper Response   
This is something to do right now, just as you have finished
reading this chapter.  Your intellect has taken in some ideas, but
your emotions may be having some deeper reactions to what you have
been reading.   
To reach these deeper reactions, you need to reach the deeper parts
of the body, of your emotions, of the more fundamental, instinctual
sort of consciousness that Jung called the unconscious.  This is
where the ignored or forgotten parts of yourself dwell, areas that
may be threatened or relieved or excited or saddened by what you
are learning.   
Read all of what is here: then proceed.  Begin by breathing very
consciously from the center of your body, from your abdomen.  Make
certain that your diaphragm stays involved-at first blow out
through your mouth fairly hard, as if blowing up a balloon.  Your
belly will tighten as you do this.  Then, when you inhale, the
breath will be taken in from the level of your stomach, very
automatically.  Your breathing in should be automatic and easy. 
Only your breathing out should be extended.   That, too, can become
less forceful and no longer out through your mouth once you are
settled into breathing from your center, your belly, and not from
high up in your chest.   
Once settled, you need to create a safe space within your
imagination where anything at all is welcome.  Invite any feeling
to enter awareness there.  It might be a bodily feeling-an ache in
the back, a tension in your throat, an unsettled stomach.  Let the
sensation grow and let it tell you what it is there to show you. 
You also might see a fleeting image.  Or hear a voice.  Or observe
an emotion.  Or a series of these-a physical feeling might become
an image.  Or a voice might express an emotion you begin to leel. 
 
Notice all that you can in this quiet state.  If feelings need to
be expressed-if you need to laugh, cry, or rage-try to let yourself
do that a little.  Dtgglng Deeper   
39   Then, as you emerge from that state, think about what
happened.  Note what stirred the feelings you had-what it was in
what you read, what it was in what you thought or remembered while
you read.  How were your feelings related to being sensitive?   
Afterward, put into words some of what you have learned-   
think about it for yourself, tell someone else, or write it down. 
 
Indeed, keeping a journal of your feelings while you read this hook
will be very helpful.   3    General Heafth   
and Lifestyle for HSPs   
Loving and Learning   
Frnm Your Infant/Body Self   
In this chapter you'll learn to appreciate your highly sensitive
body's needs.  Since this is often surprisingly difficult for HSPs,
I have learned to approach it through a metaphor treating the body
as you would an infant.  It is such a good metaphor, as you will
see, that it may not be one at all.   
Six Weeks ofAge: How It May Have Been   
A ston~ threatens.  The sky turns metallic.  The march of clouds
across the sky breaks apart.  Pieces of sky fly off in different
directions.  The wind picks up force, in silence.   The wodd is
disintegrating.  Something is about to happen.   Uneasiness grows. 
It spreads from the center and turns into pain.   
The above is a moment of growing hunger as experienced by a
hypothetical six-week-old infant called Joey, as imagined by
developmental psychologist Daniel Stern in his charming book Dia~
qf a Baby.  A tremendous amount of recent research   40  General Health and Lifestyle for HSPs   
on infancy informs Joey's diary.  For example, it is now thought
that infants cannot separate inner from outer stimulation or sort 
 
out the different senses or the present from a remembered
experience that has just happened.  Nor do they have a sense of
themselves as the one who is experiencing it all, the one to whom
it is happening.   
Given all of the above, Stern found that weather is a good   
analogy for an infant's experience.  Things just happen, varying
mostly in intensity.  Intensity is all that disturbs, by creating
a   
- storm of overarousal.  HSPs take note: Overarousal is the first
-and most basic distressing experience of life; our first lessons
about overarousal begin at birth.   
Here is how Stern imagines Joey feeling after he has nursed and
eased his hunger:   
Stern sees infants as having the same needs as adults for a
-moderate level of arousal:   All is remade.  A changed world is
waking.  The stom~ has passed.  The winds are quiet.  The sky is
softened.  Running lines and flowing volumes appear.  They trace a
harmony and, like shifting light, make everything come alive.   41 
 A baby's nervous system is prepared to evaluate immediately the
intensity of .  ..  anything accessible to one of his senses.   
How intensely he feels about something is probably the first clue
he has available to tell him whether to approach it or to stay away
.  ..  if something is moderately intense he is spellbound.  That
just-tolerable intensity arouses him.  .  .  .  It increases his
animation, activates his whole being.   
- - - In other words, it is no fun to be bored.  On the other hand,
the infant/body self is born with an instinct to stay away from
whatever is highly intense, to avoid the state of overarousal.  For
some, however, it's harder to do.   
- ` Now I will try my own hand at this new literary genre of in   
- f~nt diary, with the experience of an imaginary, highly sensitive

 
- infant, Jesse.   
Six Weeks and Highly Sensitive  42   The Highly Senstttve Person   The wind has been blowing
incessantly, sometimesgusting into a howling gale, sometimes
falling to an edgy, exhausting moan.  For a seeming eternity clouds
have swirled in random patterns of blinding light and glowering
dark.  Now an ominous dusk is descending, and for a moment the wind
seems to ebb with the light.   
But the darkness is disorienting in itself, and the howling wind
begins to shift directions indecisively, as it might in the region
of tornadoes.  Indeed, out of this rising chaos the veerings do
take a shape, gaining energy from one an- other, until a cyclonic
friry emerges.  A hellish hurricane is happening in deepest night. 
 
There is some place or time where this awfulness stops, but there
is no way to find that haven, for this weather has neither up nor
down, east nor west-only round and round toward the fearful center.

 
I imagined the above happening after Jesse had gone with his mother
and two older sisters to the shopping mall, riding in his car seat,
then a stroller, then back home in the car seat.   It was a
Saturday, and the mall was jammed.  On the way home his two sisters
had a fight about which radio station to listen to, each of them
turning the volume louder.  There was considerable traffic, many
stops and starts.  They returned home late, long after Jesse's
usual nap time.  When offered a chance to nurse, he only cried and
fussed, too overwhelmed to attend to his vaguer sense of hunger. 
So his mother tried putting him down to sleep.  That is when the
hurricane finally hit.   
We should not forget that Jesse was hungry, too.  Hunger is yet
another stimulus, from inside.  Besides arousing one further, it
produces a diminution of the biochemical substances necessary for
the usual, calmer functioning of the nervous system.  My research
indicates that hunger has an especially strong effect on HSPs.  As
one put it, "Sometimes when I'm tired it's like I regress to this
age where I can almost hear myself saying, I must have my milk and
cookies, rtght now.'" Yet once overaroused, we may not even notice
hunger.  Taking good care of a highly sensitive body is like taking
care of an infant.  General Health and Lfestyle for HSPs   
43   wby tbe Infant/Body Seift   
Think of what the infant and the body have in common.  First, both
are wonderfully content and cooperative when they are not
overstimulated, worn out, and hungry.  Second, when babies and
sensitive bodies really are exhausted, both are largely help- less
to correct things on their own.  The baby-you relied on a caretaker
to set limits and satisfy your simple, basic needs, and your body
relies on you to do it now.   
Both also cannot use words to explain their troubles; they can only
give louder and louder signals for help or develop a symptom so
serious it cannot be ignored.  The wise caretaker knows that much
woe is avoided by responding to the infant/body at the first sign
of distress.   
Finally, as we noted in the last chapter, caretakers who think
newborn babies or bodies can be spoiled and should be "left to cry"
are wrong.  Research den~onstrates that if a small infant's crying
is responded to promptly (except at those times when responding
just adds to the overstimulation), that infant will cry less, not
more, when older.   
This infant/body self is an expert on sensitivity.  She has been
sensitive from the day she was born.  She knows what was hardest
then, what is hard now.  He knows what you lacked, what you learned
from your parents and other caretakers about how to treat him, what
he needs now, and how you can take care of him in the future.  By
starting here, we make use of the old adage "Well begun is
half-done.'   
You and Your Caretaker   
About half or a little more than half of all infants are raised by
adequate parents and thus become what is called "securely attached"
children.  The term is taken from biology.  All newborn primates
hang on to Mom, and most moms want their infants to hang on tight,
securely.   
As the infant gets a little older, when feeling safe he or she can
begin to explore and try to do things independently.  The mother
will feel pleased about that~watchful and ready if there  44   The Highly Sensitive Person   is trouble but otherwise glad
that her little one is growing up.   But there will still be a kind
of invisible attachment.  The moment there is danger, their bodies
will reunite and become attached again.  Secure.   
Now and then, for various reasons usually having to do with how the
mother or father was raised, a primary caretaker may give one of
two other messages, creating an insecure attachment.  One is that
the world is so awful, or the caretaker is so preoccupied or
vulnerable, that the infant must hang on very, very tight.  The
child does not dare to explore very much.  Maybe the caretaker does
not want exploring or would leave the infant behind if he or she
did not hang on.  These babies are said to be anxious about, or
preoccupied with, their attachment to their   
caretaker.   
The other message an infant may receive is that the caretaker is
dangerous and ought to be avoided or values more highly a child who
is minimal trouble and very independent.   Perhaps the caretaker is
too stressed to care for a child.  And there are those who at
times, in anger or desperation, even want the infant to disappear
or die.  In that case d~e infant will do best not to be attached at
all.  Such infants are said to be avoidant.  When separated from
their mothers or fathers, they seem quite indifferent.  (Sometimes,
of course, a child is securely attached to one parent and not to
the other.)   
From our first attachment experiences we tend to develop a rather
enduring mental idea of what to expect from someone we are close to
and depend on.  While that may seem to make for rigidity and lost
opportunities, meeting your first caretaker's desires about how you
attached was important for your survival.   Even when it ceases to
be a matter of survival, the program is still there and very
conservative.  Sticking to whichever plan works-to be secure,
anxious, or avoidant-protects against making dangerous mistakes.  

Aaachrnent and the Highly Sensitive Body   
Remember in the last chapter the highly sensitive children who did
not have long-term arousal in unfamiliar situations?  They were the
ones with responsive caretakers or mothers with  General Health and L~style for HSPs   
45   whom they had secure relationships.  This suggests that you
HSPs who grew up feeling securely attached knew that you had good
resources and could handle overstimulation fairly well.  
Eventually, you learned to do for yourself what your good
caretakers had been doing for you.   
Meanwhile, your body was learning not to respond as if threatened
by each new experience.  And in the absence of a response, the body
did not experience distressing, long-term arousal.  You found that
your body was a friend to trust.  At the same time, you were
learning that you had a special body, a sensitive nervous system. 
But you could handle things by learning when to push yourself a
little, when to take your time, when to back off entirely, when to
rest and try later.   
Like the remainder of the population, however, about half of you
had parents who were less than ideal.  It is painful to think
about, but we'll take up this issue slowly, returning to it several
times later.  But you do need to face what you may have missed. 
Having an inadequate parent had to have more of an impact because
you were sensitive.  You needed understanding, not special
problems.   
Those of you with an insecure childhood also need to face it so
that you can be more patient with yourself.  Most important, you
need to know what was not done so you can be a dffferent sort of
parent to your infant/body.  Chances are that you are not taking
good care of yourself~ither neglecting your body or being too
overprotective and fussy.  It is almost surely hecause you are
treating your body as your not-so-great first caretaker once took
care of you/it (including overreacting in the opposite way to that
experience).   
So let's see exactly what a good caretaker and not-so-good
caretaker of an infant/body is like.  We start with the care of the
newbom~r with your body at those times now in your life when it
feels as tiny and helpless as a newborn's.  A good description of
what is needed comes from the psychologist Ruthellen Josselson:   
Enfolded in arms, we have a barrier between ourselves and whatever
might be hurtful or overwhelming in the world.  In arms, we have an
extra layer of protection from   
k-I   46   The Htgbly Sensittve Person   the world. We sense that buffer
even though we may be unclear what part of it comes from ourselves
and what from outside.   
A good-enough mother, in her holding function, man- ages things so
that her baby is not overstimulated.  She senses how much
stimulation is welcomed and can be tolerated.  An adequate holding
environment leaves the baby free to develop in a state of being;
the infant does not always have to react.  In the state of optimal
holding, the self can come into existence free of external
intrusion.   
When holding is not adequate, when the infant/body is intruded upon
or neglected~r worse, abused-stimulation is too intense for the
infant/body self.  Its only recourse is to stop being conscious and
present, thereby developing a habit of "dissociating" as a defense. 
Ovenstimulation at this age also interrupts self-development.  All
energy must be directed toward keeping the world from intruding. 
The whole world is dangerous.   
Now let's consider a little later age, when you were ready to
explore ?f you felt safe.  This equates with those times now when
your body is ready to explore and be out in the world ~ it feels
safe.  At this stage an overprotective caretaker probably becomes
a greater problem for a sensitive infant/body than a neglectful
one.  During infancy or when we are feeling very delicate, constant
intruding and checking on the infant/body are sources of
overstimulation and worry.  At this stage anxious overprotection
inhibits exploring and independence.  An infant/body constantly
watched cannot function freely and confidently.   
For example, just a little time feeling hunger and crying or
feeling cold and fussing helps an infant/body know his or her own
wants.  If the caretaker is feeding the infant/body before it is
even hungry, it loses contact with its instincts.  And if the
infant/body is kept from exploring, it does not get used to the
world.  The caretaker/you is reinforcing the impression that the
world is threatening and the infant/body cannot survive out there. 
There are no opportunities to avoid, manage, or endure ovemrousal. 
Everything remains unfamiliar and overarousing.  In teru~s of the
previous chapter, the infant/body does not have  General Health and Lifestyle for HSPs   
47   enough successful approach experiences to balance the strong,
inherited pause-to-check system that can take over and become too
inhibiting.   
If this is your style with your infant/body, you may want to think
back to its source.  Perhaps you had an overprotective, needy
caretaker who really wanted a child very dependent and never able
to leave.  Or the caretaker's own sense of strength or self-worth
was bolstered by being stronger and so needed.  If your caretaker
had several children, being the most sensitive made you ideal for
these purposes.  Note that there were probably many times, too,
that this sort of caretaker really was not available, whatever you
were told-such a caretaker was tuned into her or his needs, not
yours.   
The point of all this is that how others took care of you as an
infant/body has very much shaped how you take care of your
infant/body now.  Their attitude toward your sensitivity has shaped
your attitude toward it.  Think about it.  Who else could have
taught as deep a lesson?  Their care for you and their attitude
toward your body directly affects your health, happiness,
longevity, and contributions to the world.  So unless this section
of the chapter is distressing you, stop and take some time to think
about your infant/body's first caretaker and the similarities
between that early caretaking and how you care for yourself now.  

If you do feel distressed, take a break.  If you think you might
need some professional (or perhaps nonprofessional) emotional
support and company while you look at your insecure attachment and
its affects on you now get that help.   
Out Too Much, In Too Much   
Just as there are two kinds of problem caretakers-underpro~ tective
and overprotective~there are two general ways that HSPs fail to
care properly for their bodies.  You may push yourself out too
muc~verstimulate yourself with too much work, risk taking, or
exploring.  Or you may keep younself in too muc~overprotecting
yourself when you really long to be out in the world like others. 
 
By "too much," I mean more than you would really like,  48   The Htghly Sensittve Person   YOUR IN FANTIBODY'S FIRST
CARETAKER AND THE ONE WHO CARES FOR IT NOW   
Thinking about what you know about your first two years, make a
list of the sorts of words or phrases that your parents might have
used to describe you as a baby.  Or you can ask them.  Some
examples:   
A joy.  Fussy.  Difficult No trouble.  Never slept.  Sickly.  
Angry.  Easily tired.  Smiled a lot.  Difficult to feed. 
Beautiful.   Can't recall anything about your infancy.  Walked
early.   Mostly reared by a series of caretakers.  Rarely left with
baby-sitters or at a child care center.  Fearful.  Shy.  Happiest
alone.  Always into things.   
Watch for the phrase that was almost your "middle name"- the one
they would put on your gravestone if given half a chance.  (Mine
was "She never caused anybody any trouble") Watch for the phrases
that stir up emotion, confusion, conflict in you.  Or the phrases
that seem too strongly emphasized, so much so that the opposite is
even more true if you think about it.  An example would be an
asthmatic child being described as no trouble"   
Now, think about the parallels between how your caretakers viewed
your infant"body and how you do now.  Which of their descriptions
of you are really true for you?  `Which were really their worries
and conflicts that you could shed now?  For example, "sickly" Do
you still see yourself as sickly?  Were you and are you now really
more sickly than others?  (If so, do learn the details of your
childhood illnesses-your body remembers and deserves your
sympathy.)   
Or how about "walked early?' Are achievements and milestones how
people earned attention in your family?  If your body fails to
achieve to your satisfaction, can you love it, anyway?  General Health and Lifrstyle for HSPs   
49   more than feels good, more than your body can handle.  Never
mind what othens have told you is "too much." Some of you may be
people who, at least for a period of your lives, truly belong in or
Out almost all the time.  It feels right.  Rather, I am referring
to the situation where you sense you are overdoing it one way or
the other and would like to change but cannot.   
Furthermore, I do not mean to imply that those who were anxiously
attached, with overprotective or inconsistent caretakers, are
always overprotective of the infant/body self.  Or that those with
neglectful or abusive caretakers always neglect or abuse their
infant/body self.  It's not that simple.  First, our minds are such
that we can as easily overreact or compensate and do the opposite. 
Or, more likely, we'll swing back and forth between the two
extremes or apply them in different areas of life (e.g.,  overdo at
work, protect too much in intimate relationships; neglect mental
health but overattend to physical health).  Finally, you may have
overcome all of this and be treating your body just fine.   
On the other hand, you who were securely attached may be wondering
why you are struggling with these same two extremes.  But our
circumstances, culture, subculture or work culture, friends, and
our own other traits can all also make us go too far either way.  

If you are unsure about which you do, review the box "Are You Too
Out?  Too In?"   
The Problem of Being In Too Much   
Some HSPs, perhaps all of us at times, get sidelined because of
thinking that there is no way an HSP can be out in the world and
survive.  One feels too different, too vulnerable, ped~aps too
flawed.   
I heartily agree that you will not be able to be involved in the
world in the style of the nonsensitive, bolder sorts of folks you
may be comparing yourself to.  But there are many HSPs who have
found a way to be successful on their terms, in the world, doing
something useful and enjoyable, with plenty of time for staying
home and having a rich, peaceful inner life, too.  ARE YOU TOO OUT?  TOO IN?   For each statement, put a 3 for very
true, 2 for somewhat true or equaifr true and not true, depending
on the situation, or I for hardly ever true.   
     -    I.   I often experience the brief effects of being over-
               aroused, overstimulated, or stressed-things like
blush               ing, heart pounding, or my breath becoming more
rapid               or shallow, my stomach tensing, my hands
sweating or              trembling, or suddenly feeling on the
verge of tears or             panic.    -    2.   1 am bothered by
the long-term effects of arousal-the              sense of distress
or anxiety, upset digestion or loss of            appetite, or not
being able to fall, or stay, asleep.    -    3.   1 try to face
situations that make me overaroused.    -    4.   In a given week,
I stay home more than I go out.  (Take            the time to
figure this out carefully, adding up only the               
available hours, excluding sleep and a couple of hours           
     for dressing, undressing, bathing, etc.)     -    5.   In a
given week, I spend more time alone than with oth           ers. 
(Figure as above.)       -    6.   1 push myself to do things I
fear.     -    7.   I go out even when I don't feel like it.     
-    8.   People tell me I work too much.    -    9.   When I
notice I have overdone it physically, mentally, or               
emotionally, I immediately stop and rest and do what             
ever else I know I need to do for myself.    -    10.  1 add things
to my body~offee, alcohol, medications,                and the
lik~to keep myself at the right level of               arousal.  
     -    II.  I get sleepy in a dark theater and/or during a
lecture             unless I'm quite interested.       -    12.  1
wake in the middle of the night or very early in the             
morning and can't go back to sleep.     -    I 3. 1 don't take time
to eat well or to exercise regularly.  General Health and Lfestyle for HSPs   
51   Add up your answers to all of the questions, excluding 4, 5,
and 9.Then add up 4, 5, and 9, and subtract these from the total of
the others.  The most "out" score possible would be 27.  Most in
would be a I.  A moderate score would be 14.  Especially if you
scored 10 or under, do reflect on what I have to say about The
Problem of Being In Too Much.  If you scored over 20, better take
to heart what I have written in the next section, On Being Too Out
in the World.   
It may help to consider your behavior from the viewpoint of your
infant/body.  If it wants to try new things but is afraid, you need
to help it, not reinforce the fear.  Otherwise, you are telling it
that it really is all wrong about its desires, that it is not fit
to survive out there.  That is a crippling message to give a child. 
You'll want to think long and hard about who gave you this feeling
in childhood, and why, rather than helping you get out and learn to
do things your way.   
As you reparent your body, the first thing to realize is that the
more it avoids stimulation, the more arousing the remaining
stimulation becomes.  A teacher of meditation once told the story
of a man who wanted nothing to do with the stress of life, so he
retreated to a cave to meditate day and night for the rest of his
life.  But 500fl he came out again, driven to overwhelming distress
by the sound of the dripping of water in his cave.  The moral is
that, at least to some extent, the stresses will always be there,
for we bring our sensitivity with us.  What we need is a new way of
living with the stressors.   
Second, it is often the case that the more your body acts- looks
out the window, goes howling, travels, speaks in public- the less
difficult and arousing it becomes.  This is called habituation.  If
it is a skill, you also become better at it.  For example,
traveling alone in a foreign country can seem uttefly overwhelming
to an HSP.  And you may always choose to avoid some aspects of it. 
But the more you do it, the easier it be-   
comes and the more you know about what you do and do not like.  52   The Highly Sensitive Person   The way to come to tolerate and
then enjoy being involved in the world is by being in the world.  

I do not say any of this lightly, however.  I was someone who
mostly avoided the world until midlife, when I was more or less
forced to change by powerful inner events.  Since then I have had
to face some fear, overarousal, and discomfort almost every day. 
This is serious business and isn't fun.  But it really can be done. 
And it feels wondefful to be out there, succeeding, calling out to
the world, "Look at me!  I can do it, too!"   
On Being Too Out in the World   
If the root of being in too much is a belief that the infant-body
is defective, the root of being out too much is equally negative. 
 It suggests that you love the child so little that you are willing
to neglect and abuse it.  Where did you get that attitude?   
It doesn't necessarily all come from parents.  Our culture has an
idea of competition in the pursuit of excellence that can make
anyone not striving for the top feel like a worthless,
nonproductive bystander.  This applies not only to one's career but
even to one's leisure.  Are you fit enough, are you progressing in
your hobby, are you competent as a cook or gardener?  And family
life-is your marriage intimate enough, your sexual life optimal,
have you done all that you can do to raise excellent children?   
The infant/body rebels under all this pressure, signaling its
distress.  In response, we find ways to toughen it or to medicate
it into silence.  So the chronic stress-related symptoms arise,
like digestion problems, muscle tension, constant fatigue, insomnia
migraine headaches or a weak immune system makes us more
susceptible to the flu and to colds.   
Stopping the abuse first requires admitting it is just that.  It
also helps to find what part of you is the abuser.  The part that
has bought into society's script of perfection?  That needs to
outdo a brother or sister?  That has to prove that you really are
not flawed or "too sensitive"?  That wants to win your parents love
or even just a glance your way for once?  That needs to prove
you're as gifted as they think?  Or that the world cannot survive
without you?  Or that you can control everything and are       General Health and Llfrstyle for HSPs   53 perfect and
immortal?  There is often some arrogance in there somewhere, even
if it is the arrogance of another about you.   
There is one other reason HSPs drive their bodies too hard, and
that is their intuition, which gives some of them a steady stream
of creative ideas.  They want to express them all.   
Guess what?  You cannot.  You will have to pick and choose.   Doing
anything else is arrogance again and cruel abuse of your body.   
I had a dream about this once-about headless, glowing, unstoppable
beings out to get me-which in the morning brought to mind Disney's
animation of The Sorcerer's Apprentice.  Mickey Mouse plays the
apprentice and uses sorcery to bring to life a broom to do the
chore his master wants done: the filling of a cistern.  This is not
just laziness-Mickey is too arrogant to do something so lowly,
working slowly within the limits of his own body.  But Mickey has
started something he cannot end.  When the water is flooding the
room and the broom still will not stop, Mickey chops it up, and
soon hundreds of headless brooms are carrying water, drowning
Mickey in the fulfillment of his own bright ideas.   
That is the lively revenge you can expect from your body when you
treat it like a lifeless broom, all in the service of too many
bright ideas.   
The choice of Mickey to be the apprentice was a good one-he is
usually so representative of the average guy in our culture-upbeat,
energetic.  That energy has its good side; it promotes the belief
that as individuals and as a people we can do anything if we work
hard enough and are clever enough.  Anyone can be president or rich
and famous.  But the "shadow" or dangerous side of that virtue (all
virtues have a shadow) is that it makes life an inhuman
competition.   
The Balancing Act   
How much you are out in the world or how much you avoid it must be
answered individually and will change with time.  I realize, too,
that for most people a lack of time and money make the balancing
act very difficult.  We are forced to make choices and set
priorities, but being very conscientious, HSPs  54   The Highly Sensitive Person   often put themselves last.  Or
at least we give ourselves no more time off or opportunity to learn
new skills than anyone else.  In fact, however, we need more.   
If you are in too much, the evidence is clear that you and your
subtle sensitivity are needed in the world.  If you are out too
much, the evidence is equally clear that you will perform any
responsibility far better if you obtain adequate rest and
recreation.   
Here is the wise advice of one HSP 1 interviewed:   
You need to learn all about this sensitivity.  It will be an
obstacle or an excuse only if you allow it to be.  For myself, when
I am too withdrawn, I would like to stay home for the rest of my
life.  But it is self-destructive.  So I go out to meet the rest of
the world, then come back to incorporate them.  Creative people
need time without people.  But they can't go too long.  When you
retreat, you lose your sense of reality, your adaptability.   
Getting older can also take you out of touch with reality, cause
you to lose your flexibility.  You need to stay out there more as
you age.  But as you age, grace develops, too.  Your basic traits
become stronger, especially if you develop all of yourself, not
just your sensitivity.   
Be in tune with your body.  It is a great gift you can use, this
sensitivity to your body.  It can guide you.  and your opening to
it will make it better.  Of course, sensitive people want to shut
the doors to the world and to their bodies.  They become fearful. 
You can't do that.  Selfexpression is the better way.   Rest  
Infants need a lot of rest, don't they?  So do highly sensitive
bodies.  We need all kinds of rest.   
First, we need sleep.  If you have trouble sleeping, make this your
first pnority.  Research on chronic sleep loss has found that when
people are allowed to sleep as much as they need, it can take two
weeks fur them to reach the point where they show no signs of sleep
deprivation (dropping off to sleep abnormally quickly or in any
darkened room).  If you are showing signs of  General Health and Lifrstyle for HSPs   
55   "sleep debt," you need to plan some vacation time periodically
that allows you to do nothing but sleep as much as you want.   You
will be surprised by how much that will be.   
HSPs do worse than others working night shifts or mixed shifts, and
they recover more slowly from jet lag.  Sorry, but it goes with the
territory.  Better not to plan, or at least not to plan to enjoy,
brief trips across many time zones.   
If insomnia is a problem, you can find plenty of advice on that in
other sources.  There are even centers for treating it.  But here
are some points that may apply especially to HSPs.  First, respect
your natural rhythms and retire when you first become sleepy.  For
a morning person, that means going to bed early in the evening. 
For a night person, the ones with the more difficult problem, it
means sleeping late as often as possible.   
Sleep researchers tend to advise people to associate their bed only
with sleeping and to get up if they cannot sleep.  But I find HSPs
sometimes do better if they promise themselves to stay in bed for
nine hours with their eyes closed without worrying if they are
actually sleeping.  Since ~O percent of sensory stimulation comes
in through the eyes, just resting with your eyes closed gives you
quite a break.   
The problem with staying in bed while awake, however, is that some
people begin to worry or otherwise overarouse themselves with their
thoughts and imaginings.  If this happens, it might be better to
read.  Or get up and think through the issue on your mind, write
down your ideas or solutions, then go back to bed.  Sleep problems
are one of those many areas where we each are unique and must find
what works for ourselves.   
We need other kinds of rest, too, however.  HSPs tend to be very
conscientious and perfectionistic.  We cannot `~play" until all the
details of our work are done.  The details are like little needles
of arousal poking us.  But that can make it difficult to relax and
have some ft~n.  The infant/body wants play, and play creates
endorphins and all the other good changes that undo stress.   If
you are depressed, overly emotional in other ways, not sleeping, or
showing other signs of being out of balance, force yourself to plan
more play.   
But what is fun?  Be careful not to let the non-HSPs in your world
define that for you.  For many HSPs, frin is reading a good  - -   56   The Highly Sensitive Person   book or gardening a little
bit, at their own pace, or a quiet meal at home, prepared and eaten
slowly.  In particular, squeezing in a dozen activities by noon may
not be your idea of fun at all.   Or it may be okay in the morning
but not by afternoon.  So always plan a way to bail out.  If you
are with someone, be sure to warn them ahead of time so that they
will not feel insulted or hurt when you drop out.   
Finally, when planning a vacation, consider the cost in terms of
airline tickets or deposits if you decide you want to come home
early or stop traveling and stay in one place.  Then be mentally
prepared ahead of time to pay that cost.   
Besides sleep and recreation, HSPs also need plenty of ~downtime"
just for unwinding and thinking over the day.   Sometimes we can do
this while performing our daily tasks- driving, washing dishes,
gardening.  But if you have found ways to eliminate some of those
tasks, you still need that downtime.   Take it.   
Yet another form of rest, perhaps the most essential, is
`~trnnscendence"-nsing above it all, usually in the form of
meditation, contemplation, or prayer.  At least some of your
transcendent time should be aimed at taking yoLi out of all
ordinary thinking, into pure consciousness, pure being, pure unity,
or oneness with God.  Even if your transcendence falls short of
this, when you return you will have a bigger, fresher perspective
on your life.   
Sleep takes you out of your narrow state of mind, tOO, of course,
but the brain is in a different state when asleep.  Indeed, it is
in a different state for each type of activity-sleep, play,
meditation, prayer, yoga-so a mixture is good.  But do include some
meditation that has the goal of experiencing pure consciousness and
involves no physical activity and no concentration or effort.  This
state is undoubtedly the one that provides the most deep rest while
the mind is still alert.  Research on Tn~nscendental Meditation,
which does create this state, has very consistently found that
meditators show less of the distressing long-term arousal described
in the previous chapter.  (Cortisol in meditators' blood
decreases.)  It is as if their meditations give them some of the
needed feeling of security and inner resources.  General Health and Lfestyle for HSPs   
57   Of course, you also want to pay attention to what you eat and
to get enough exercise.  But that is a very individual matter, and
there are plenty of other books to advise you on that.   Do learn
about the foods that tend to calm the body or take the edge off,
helping you to sleep.  And get enough of the vitamins and
minerals-for example, magnesium-that affect stress and overarousal. 
 
If you are used to caffeine, it probably does nothing special to
arouse you unless you drink a little more than usual.  It is a
powerful drug for HSPs, however.  Be careful about using it just
now and then, thinking it will improve your performance the way it
does for those around you.  For example, if you are a morning
person and do not usually drink caffeine and then drink it one
morning before an important exam or interview, it could actually
make you pefform worse by ovefl~rousing you.   
Strategies for Ot'erarousal   
A good caretaker develops many strategies for soothing his or her
infant.  Some are more psychological; some, more physical.   Either
approach will change the other.  Choose according to your
intuition.  Any approach requires taking action-getting up, going
to the infant, doing something.   
For example, you walk into New York's Pennsylvania Station, are
overwhelmed, and begin to feel afraid.  Psychologically or
physically you need to do something to keep the infant/body from
getting upset.  In this case it might be a good idea to work
through the fear and upset psychologically: This is not a noisy
hell filled with dangerous strangers.  It is just a larger version
of many train stations you have dealt with, overflowing with normal
people trying to get where they want to go, with plenty who would
help you if you asked.   
Here are some other psychological methods usefol in handling
overarousal:   
o Reframe the situation.   
o Repeat a phrase, prayer, or mantra that, through daily practice,
you have come to associate with deep inner calm.  58   The Highly Sensitive Person   . Witness your overarousal.   
. Love the situation.   
Love your overarousal.   
In reframing, notice what is familiar and friendly, what you have
successfrilly dealt with that is similar.  When repeating a mantra
or prnyer, if your mind races back to what is overarousing it, it
is important not to get discouraged and stop.  You will still be
calmer than you would be without it.   
When u)itnessing, imagine standing to one side, watching yourself,
perhaps talking about yourself with a comforting imaginary figure. 
"There's Ann again, so overwhelmed she's falling to pieces.  I
really feel for her.  When she's like this, of course she can't see
beyond right now.  Tomorrow, when she's rested, she'll be all
excited again about her work.  She just has to take some rest now
no matter what seems to need to be done.  Once she's rested, it
will go smoothly."   
Loving the situation sounds pretty flippant, but it's important.  
An expanded, loving mind, one that is open to the whole universe,
is the opposite of a tightly constricted, overaroused mind.   And
if you cannot love the situation, it is vitally important and even
more essential that you love yourself in your state of not being
able to love the situation.   
Finally, do not forget the power of music to change your mood. 
(Why do you think armies have bands and buglers?)  But beware that
most HSPs are strongly affected by music, so the right choice is
essential.  When you are already aroused, you do not want to stir
younself up more with emotional pieces or something associated with
important memories (the music most people, being underaroused,
cannot get enough of).  Sobbing violins are out at such times. 
And, of course, since any music increases stimulation, use it only
when it seems to soothe you.   Its purpose is to distract you. 
Sometimes you need to be distracted; at other times, you need to
attend carefully.   
But since we are dealing with the body, it can be an equally good
idea to try a physical appn~ach.   
Here's a list of some purely physical strategies:   
. Get out of the situation!   
Close your eyes to shut out some of the stimulation.  General Health and Lifrstyk for HSPs   
59   . Take frequent breaks.   Go out-ofidoons.   
Use water to take the stress away.   
Take a walk.   
Calm your breathing.   
Adjust your posture to be more relaxed and confident.   
Move!   
Smile softly.   
It's amazing how often we forget to take action simply to get out
of a situation.  Or take a break.  Or take the situation- task,
discussion, argument~ut of doors.  Many HSPs find nature deeply
soothing.   
Water helps in many ways.  When overaroused, keep drinking it-a big
glass of it once an hour.  Walk beside some water, look at it,
listen to it.  Get into some if you can, for a bath or a swim.  Hot
tubs and hot springs are popular for good reasons.   
Walking is also one of those basic comforts.  The familiar rhythm
is soothing.  So is the rhythm of slow breathing, especially from
your stomach.  Exhale slowly with a little extra effort, as if
blowing out a candle.  You will automatically inhale from your
stomach.  Or merely attend to your breathing-this old friend will
settle you down.   
The mind often imitates the body.  For example, you may notice that
you have been walking around leaning forward slightly, as if
nishing toward the foture.  Balance younself over your center
instead.  Or your shoulders may be rounded, your head down, as if
under a burden.  Straighten up, throw off the   
burden.   
Tucking your head between raised shouldens may be your favorite
position both in sleep and while awake an unconscious attempt at
self-protection from blows of stimulation and waves of overarousal. 
Instead, uncurl.  When standing, raise your head, pull your
shoulders back, center your tipper body over your torso and feet so
that the weight feels most effortlessly balanced.  Feel the solid
gn~und thn~ugh yt~ur feet.  Bend your knees a little and breathe
deeply from your stomach.  Feel your body's strong center.   
Try to create the moves as well as the posture of someone  60   The Highly Sensitive Person   calm, in command.  Lean back,
relax.  Or get up and move toward what appeals to you.  Get the
"approach system" on line.   Or move like someone angry,
disdainful.  Shake a fist.  Scowl.   Gather your things and prepare
to walk out.  Your mind will imitate your body.   
It is crucial to hold yourself and move in the manner you want to
feel.  Overaroused HSPs tend to substitute `freeze" for the "fight
or flight" response.  Relaxed posture and free movement can break
that numb tension.  Or stop moving if you are just being frantic or
jittery.   
Smiling?  Maybe it is a smile just for yourself.  Why you are
smiling does not matter.   
The Containers in Your Life   
Another way to understand all of this advice is to remember how we
began this chapter, by appreciating that your infant/body's
earliest and still most basic need is to be held and protected from
overstimulation.  On that strong basis, you can go out and explore,
feeling secure about that safe harbor of the good caretaker's arms. 
 
If you think about it, your life is filled with such safe
containers.  Some are concrete-your home, car, office,
neighborhood, a cottage or cabin, a certain valley or hilltop, a
forest or bit of shoreline, certain clothing, or certain beloved
public places, such as a church or library.   
Some of the most important containers are the precious people in
your life: spouse, parent, child, brother or sister, grandparent,
close friend, spiritual guide, or therapist.  Then there are the
even less tangible containers: your work, memories of good times,
certain people you cannot be with anymore but who live on in
memory, your deepest beliefs and philosophy of life, inner worlds
of prayer or meditation.   
The physical containers may seem the most reliable and valuable,
especially to the infant/body self.  It is the intangible ones,
however, that are really the most reliable.  There are so many
accounts of people who maintained their sanity by retreating into
such containers while under extreme stress or danger.  Whatever
happened, nothing and no one could take from  General Health and Lifrstyle for HSPs   
61   them their private love, faith, creative thinking, mental
practice, or spiritual exercise.  Part of maturing into wisdom is
transferring more and more of your sense of security from the
tangible to the intangible containens.   
Perhaps the greatest maturity is our ability to conceive the whole
universe as our container, our body as a microcosm of that
universe, with no boundaries.  That is more or less enlightenment. 
But most of us will need more finite containers for a while, even
if we are beginning to learn to make do with intangible ones in a
pinch.  Indeed, as long as we are in bodies, enlightened or not, we
need some bit of tangible safety, or at least a sense of sameness. 
 
Above all, if you do lose a container (or worse, several), accept
that you will feel especially vulnerable and overwhelmed until you
can adjust.   Boundaries   Boundaries are obviously an idea closely
related to containers.   Boundaries should be flexible, letting in
what you want and keeping out what you don't want.  You want to
avoid shutting everyone out all the time indiscriminately.  And you
want to control any urges to merge with others.  It would be nice,
but it just doesn't work for long.  You lose all of your autonomy. 
 
Many HSPs tell me that a major problem for them is poor
boundaries-getting involved in situations that are not really their
business or their problem, letting too many people distress them,
saying more than they wanted, getting mired in other people's
messes, becoming too intimate too fast or with the wrong people.  

There's one essential rule here: Boundaries take practice!   Make
good boundaries your goal.  They are your right, your
responsibility, your greatest source of dignity.  But do not become
too distressed when you slip up.  Just notice how much better you
are getting at it.   
Besides all the other reasons to have good boundaries, you can use
them to keep out stimulation when you have had all that you can
take.  I have met a few HSPs (one in particular raised in an
overcrowded urban housing project) who can, at  62   The Highly Sensitive Person   will, shut out almost all
stimulation in their environment.  Quite a handy skill.  ~At will"
is important, however.  I am not referring to involuntary
dissociation or "spacing out." I am talking about choosing to shut
out the voices and other sounds around you, or at least decreasing
their impact on you.   
So, want to practice?  Go sit by a radio.  Imagine yourself with
some kind of boundary around yourself that keeps out what you don't
want-maybe it is light, energy, or the presence of a trusted
protector.  Then turn on the radio but keep out the radio's
message.  You will probably still hear the words, but refuse to let
them in.  After a while, turn the radio off and think about what
you experienced.  Could you give yourself permission to shut out
the broadcasting?  Could you feel that boundary?  If not, practice
it again someday.  It will improve.   
The Infant/Body's Message   
     1.   Please don't make me handle more than I can.  I am
helpless when you do this, and I hurt all over.  Please, please,
protect me.   
     2.   1 was born this way and can't change.  I know you
sometimes think something awftil must have made me this way, or at
least made me "worse," but that ought to give you even more
sympathy for me.  Because either way I can't help it.  Either way,
don't blame me for how I am.   
     3.   What I am is wonderful I let you sense and feel so much
more deeply.  I am really one of the best things about you.   
4.  Check in on me often and take care of me right at that moment
if you possibly can.  Then, when you can't, I can trust that you
are at least trying and I won't have long to wait.   
5.  If you must make me wait for my rest, please ask me nicely if
it's okay.  I'm only more miserable and troublesome if you get
angry and try to force me.   
6.  Don't listen to all the people who say you spoil me.  You know
me.  You decide.  Yes, sometimes I might do better left alone to
cry myself to sleep.  But trtist your intuition.  Sometimes you
know I am too upset to be left alone.  I do need a pretty
attentive, regular routine, but I'm not easily spoiled.  General Health and Lfestyle for HSPs   
63   7.  When I'm exhausted, I need sleep.  Even when I seem
totally wide awake.  A regular schedule and a calm routine before
bed are important to me.  Otherwise, I will lie awake in bed all
stirred up for hours.  I need a lot of time in bed, even if I'm
lying awake I may need it in the middle of the day.  too.  Please
let me have it.   
8.  Get to know me better.  For example, noisy restaurants seem
silly to me-how can anybody eat in them?  I have a lot of feelings
about such things.   
9.  Keep my toys simple and my life uncomplicated.  Don't take me
to more than one party in a week.   
10.  1 might get used to anything in time, but I don `t do wdl with
a lot of sudden change.  Please plan for that, even if the others
with you can take it and you don't want to be a drag.   Let me go
slow.   
11.  But I don't want you to coddle me.  I especially don't want
you to think of me as sick or weak.  I'm wonderftilly clever and
strong, in my way.  I certainly don't want you hovering over me
worried about me all day.  Or making a lot of excuses for me.  I
don't want to be seen as a nuisance, to you or to others.   Above
all, I count on you, the grown-up, to figure out how to do all of
this.   
12.  Please don't ignore me.  Love me!   
15.  And like me.  As I am.  64   The Highly Sensitive Person   [   
Working With What You Have Learned   
Receiving Your First Advice   
From Your Infant/Body Self   
Pick a time when you are not rushed and will not be interrupted,
when you are feeling solid and in the mood for self- exploration. 
What follows can bring up strong feelings, so if you start to feel
overwhelmed, take it slow or just stop.  What follows can also just
be difficult to do because of resistances that cause the mind to
wander, the body to become uncomfortable or sleepy.  If that
happens, it's natural and fine.  Try a little of this on several
occasions and appreciate whatever happens.   
PART I   
Read all of these instructions first, so that, as much as possible,
you can do without looking back at them as you proceed.   
1.  Curl up like a baby or lie on your stomach or back-find the
position you think was yours.   
2.  Shift from thinking in your head to feeling emotionally from
your body, as a baby does.  To help with that, for a foIl three
minutes breathe very consciously from the center of your body, your
stomach.   
3.  After the breathing, become yourself as an infant.  You think
you cannot remember, but your body will.  Start with an image of
weather, like the example at the start of this chapter.   ls it
mostly fair or stormy?   
Or begin with your earliest conscious memory, even if it was from
a little later age.  It is all right to be an infant with a
slightly older child's understanding.  For example this slightly
older child may be certain that it is better not to cry for help. 
 Alone is best.   
4.  Be especially aware that you are a htg~~hly se~~itive infant. 
 
5.  Be aware of what y)u most need.  General Health and Lfes44e for HSPs   
65   PART II   
Now or at a later time Again, read all of the instrtictions first,
so that you will not need to refer back to them so much that it's
distracting.   
1.  Imagine a very beautiful baby who is about six weeks old. 
Really tiny.  Admire the sweetness, the delicateness.  Notice that
you would do almost anything to protect this child.   
2.  Now realize that this wondefful baby is your infant/body self. 
Even if this baby is more like some infant you have recently seen,
this is your imagination's baby.   
3.  Now watch as you start to whimper and fuss.  Something is the
matter.  Ask this baby, ~What can I do for you?" And listen well. 
This is your infant/body speaking.   
Do not worry that you are `just making this up." Of course you are,
but your infant/body self will be involved somewhere in the "making
up."   
4.  Answer back, start a dialogue.  If you foresee difficulties
meeting this infant's needs talk about it.  If you are sorry for
something, apologize.  If you get angry or sad, that's something
also good to know about your relationship with the baby.   
5.  Do not hesitate to do either part of this exercise again or to
do it differently.  For example, next time just open your mind to
the infant/body self, at whatever age and in whatever setting she
or he wants to appean   4    Refrarning Your Childhood   
and Adolescence   
Learning to Parent Yourself   
In this chapter we'll begin to rethink your childhood.  As you read
about typical experiences of sensitive children, memories of
yourself as a child will return.  But you'll see them freshly
through the lens of your new knowledge about your trait.   
These experiences matten Like a plant, the kind of seed that goes
into the ground-your innate temperament-is only part of the story. 
The quality of soil, water, and sun also deeply affects the grown
plant that is now you.  If the growing conditions are very poor,
the leaves, flowers, and seeds barely appear.  Likewise, as a
child, you did not expose your sensitivity if your survival
required different behavior.   
When I began my research, I discovered "two kinds" of HSPs.  Some
reported difficulty with depression and anxiety; some reported very
little of these feelings.  The separateness of the two groups was
quite clear.  Later, I discovered that the depressed and anxious
HSps almost all had troubled childhoods.   Non-HSPs with troubled
childhoods do not show nearly as much depression and anxiety.  But
neither do HSps with healthy childhoods.  It is important that we
and the public not confuse high sensitivity with "neuroticism,"
which includes certain types   66       Reframing Your Chttdhood and Adolescence     67 of intense
anxiety, depression, overattachment, or avoidance of intimacy, and
are usually due to a troubled childhood.  True, some of us were
dealt both hands in life-high sensitivity and neuroticism-but the
two things are not at all the same.  This confusion of sensitivity
with neuroticism and the effects of childhood trauma is one reason
for some of the negative stereotypes of HSPs (that we are by nature
always anxious, depressed, and so on).  So let's all work to keep
it straight.   
It is easy to understand why a troubled childhood might affect HSPs
more than non-HSPs.   
HSPs are prone to see all the details, all the implications, of a
threatening experience.  But it is easy to underestimate the impact
of childhood, since so much that is important occurs before we can
remember.  Moreover, some of what is important was just too
distressing and deliberately forgotten.  If someone caring for you
became angry or dangerous, the conscious mind buried that
information as too awful to acknowledge, even while your
unconscious developed a deeply mistrustful attitude.   
The good news is that we can work on any negative effects.   I have
seen HSps who have done just that and been freed of much of their
depression and anxiety.  But it takes time.   
Even if your childhood was wonderful, however, it was probably
difficult being highly sensitive.  You felt different.  And your
parents and teachens, even if excellent in most respects, did not
know how to handle a sensitive child.  There simply was not much
information on the trait, and there was so much tension about
making you "normal," like the ideal.   
A final point to remember: Sensitive boyhoods and girlhoods are
quite different from each other.  In this chapter, therefore, I
will pause often to point out how your experience probably differed
with your gender.   
Marsha, a Wisely Avoidant Liale Girl   
Marsha, an HSP in her sixties, saw me in psychotherapy for several
years, hoping to understand some of her "compulsions." In her
forties she had become a poet and photogmpher and at sixty her work
was gaining considerable respect.   
While some of her story is distressing, her parents basically  68   The Highly Sensitive Person   did their best.  And she has
dealt well with her past and continues to learn from it, both
inwardly and through her art.  I think if you were to ask today if
she is happy, she would say yes.  But what matters most is her
steady growth in wisdom.   
Marsha was the youngest of six children born to immigrant parents
struggling to make ends meet in a small midwestern town.  Marsha's
older sisters recall their mother sobbing at the news of each of
her pregnancies.  Marsha's aunts recall her mother, their sister,
as deeply depressed.  But Marsha has no memory of her mother ever
being slowed down by grief, depression, fatigue, or hopelessness. 
She was an impeccable German housekeeper and devout churchgoer. 
Similarly, Marsha's father "worked, ate, slept."   
The children did not feel unloved.  Their parents simply had no
time, energy, or money for affection, conversation, vacations,
helping with homework, imparting wisdom, or even giving gifts.  
This brood of six chicks, as Marsha sometimes described herself and
the others, mostly raised themselves.   
Of the three styles of attachment that you read about in the
previous chapter-secure, anxious, and avoidant-Marsha's early
childhood required her to be avoidant.  She had to be a child who
did not need anyone, who caused as little trouble as possible.   
Little Marsha, HSP, in Bed With the Big Beasts   
During the first two yeans of Marsha's life, the household sleeping
arrangements placed her in the same bed with three older brothers. 
Alas, they used their baby sister to experiment sexually, in the
way that unsupewised children sometimes do.   After two years, she
was moved to her sisters' rooms.  All she recalls is that "finally
I felt a little bit safe at night." But she remained the target of
cruel, overt sexual harassment from one of her older brothers until
she was twelve.   
Marsha's parents never noticed all of this, and she believed that
if she told on her brothens, her father would kill them.   Killing
was a part of life.  It seemed that it could happen.  Marsha
recalled being stunned by the regular beheading of chickens in the
backyard and the casual, callous attitude toward this       Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence     69 necessity of
life.  So there is extra meaning in her seeing the children of her
family as a brood of chicks.   
Besides the sexual torment, her brothers loved to tease and
frighten Marsha, as if she were their personal toy.  More than once
they caused her to faint from fear.  (HSPs make such good targets
because we react so strongly.)  However, no cloud lacks its silver. 
As their special plaything, she was also taken places and tasted
freedoms that girls usually missed in those days.  Her brothers,
who possessed a tough independence that she preferred to her
mother's and sisters' passivity, were her role models-and this was
in some ways a valuable experience for a sensitive girl.   
For Marsha, the best attachment was with an older sister, but that
sister died when Marsha was thirteen.  Marsha recalls lying on her
parents' bed, staring into space, waiting for news of her sister. 
She had been told that if her parents did not call in an hour, it
would mean that her sister had died.  When the clock struck the
hour, Marsha recalls picking up a book and going back to reading. 
Here was yet another lesson in not attaching.   
Marsha as a Tiny Fairy Marsha in the Chicken Coop   
Marsha's first memory is of lying naked in the sunlight watching
dust motes, awed by the beauty-a memory of her sensitivity as a
source of joy.  It has been that way all her life, especially now
that it can be expressed in her art.   
Notice that no other person is in her first memory.  In a similar
way, her poetry and photography tend to be about things, not
people.  There are often images of houses-with closed windows and
doors.  The haunting emptiness of some of her work speaks to the
private experiences of all of us, especially those whose early
childhoods taught us to avoid closeness.   
In one photo, produced during her therapy, chickens are in the
foreground, in clear focus.  (Recall the significance of chickens
for Marsha.)  The chicken wire and door frame of a jail-like
chicken coop are fainter.  Faintest of all, in the darkened door of
the coop, is the ghostly image of a group of ragged children.  
Another important image of her art came from a dream about a  70   The High4' Sensith~e Person   bright, angry little fairy who
lived in a secret garden and would allow no one in.   
Marsha has used food, alcohol, and various drugs compulsively-in
amounts that bordered on excessive.  But she was too smart to go
over the edge, having a very practical streak and an IQ of over
135.  In one dream she was wheeling a starving, angry infant
through a banquet hall filled with food, but it wanted none of it. 
We discovered that the baby was starved, in a greedy, desperate
way, for love and attention.  Like hungry chickens, when we cannot
be fed what we need, we feed ourselves what we can find.   
HSPs and Attachment   
In the previous chapters we learned about the importance of your
attachment to your caretaker, usually your mother.  An insecure
attachment style will persist throughout life unless one has an
unusually secure one with someone in adulthood, such as a mate or
during long-term psychotherapy.  Alas, non-therapy relationships
sometimes can't withstand the task of undoing childhood-based
insecurity (the avoidance of intimacy or the compulsion to merge
and fear of being abandoned).  Also, while you go out into the
world unconsciously seeking that long- desired security, without
extensive experience with what you seek, you often repeat the same
old mistakes, choosing again and again the same familiar sort of
person who makes you feel insecure.   
While I found a slight tendency for more HSps than nonHSps to show
one of the nonsecure attachment styles as adults, that does not
mean the trait creates the situation.  It probably reflects the way
a sensitive child is more aware of the subtle cues in any
relationship.   
As an HSp, some of your most important lessons about the other was
whether to expect help with overarousal or an extra dose of it. 
Every day was a lesson.   
In his Dia~y of a Baby (described in chapter 2), Stern gives the
example of a "face duet" between mother and the imaginary Joey. 
Mother coos and brings her face close, then withdraws.   Joey
smiles, laughs, encouniges the game.  But eventually it be-       Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence     71 comes too
intense.  At these moments of overarousal, Stern's imaginary Joey
breaks eye contact and looks away, in effect stopping the arousal. 
To describe this face duet, Stern again uses the weather analogy,
the mother being the wind which plays over the child.  So when Joey
is overwhelmed, Stern imagines this diary entry:   
Her next gust is rushing towards me, whipping up space and sound. 
It is upon me.  It strikes me.  I try to meet its force, to run
with it, but it jolts me through and through.   I quake.  My body
stalls.  I hesitate.  Then I veer off.  I turn my back to her wind. 
And I coast into quiet water, all alone.   
This should all be familiar to you now-Joey is trying for that
optimal level of arousal described in chapter 1.  Those taking care
of babies usually sense this.  When a baby is restless and bored,
they invent games like the face duet or something more arousing,
like making weird faces or reaching slowly toward the child while
saying, "I'm gonna get you." The squeals of delight are a great
reward to the adult.  And there may be a sense that being pushed to
the limit is good for the child's confidence and flexibility.  When
the child shows distress, however most adults stop.   
Now consider our imaginary, highly sensitive Jesse.  The face duet
is probably not much different except that it is a little quieter
and briefer.  Jesse's mother will have adjusted her playing in
order to keep Jesse within his comfort range.   
But what about those times when othens get their hands on Jesse? 
Suppose his older sister or Grandpa makes the duet a little more
intense?  What if, when Jesse averts his gaze, his way of taking a
time-out, his sister moves so close that they are face- to-face
again.  Or she turns Jesse's face back.   
Maybe Jesse closes his eyes.   
Maybe his sister puts her mouth by Jesse's ear and screams.   
Maybe Grandpa takes him and tickles him or tosses him up in the air
a few times.   
Jesse has lost all control over his arousal level.  And each howl
of Jesse's brings a fresh rationalization: "He loves it, he loves
it-he's just scared a little.'  72   The Highly Sensitive Person   The Confusing Issue-Do You ~ove
It"?   
Have you imagined yourself in Jesse's place?  What a confusing
situation.  The source of your arousal is uttedy out of your
control.  Your intuition tells you that the other, usually so
helpful, is now anything but help.  Yet the other is laughing,
having fun, expecting you to.   
Here is a reason why you may find it hard even now to know what you
do and do not like, sepan~te from what others like to do to you or
with you or think you should like.   
I remember once watching two dog owners taking their small pups
into the surf and throwing them out into deep water.   The dogs
swam desperately to their owners' waiting arms even though it meant
that the treatment would be repeated.  Not only was it probably the
only alternative to drowning, but these arms were the ones that
provided all the safety and food the pups had ever known.  So they
wagged their tails wildly, and I suppose their ownens believed what
they wanted and thought the pups loved the "game." Maybe even the
pups were unsure after a while.   
Then there was the HSP whose earliest memory was of being the
imaginary "dough" in a familyreunion skit of "patty- cake,
patty-cake." In spite of crying and pleading with her parents, this
two-year-old was passed in a circle from stranger to stranger. 
Reliving the long-repressed feelings that went with this memory,
she realized that it (and other situations she had probably
repressed completely) left her with a sense of helpless terrur
about being picked up, about being controlled physically in any
way, and about her parents not protecting her.   
The bottom line is that in those first years you either learned to
trust the other, and the outer world generally, or you didn't.   If
you did, your sensitivity remained, but you were rarely threatened
into distressing long-term arousal.  You knew how to handIe it; it
seemed under your control.  If you asked others to stop doing
something, they did.  You knew you could trust them to help you
rather than overburden you.  On the other hand, one way that
chronic shyness, anxiety, or social avoidance can begin is if your
early experiences did not build that trust.  It is not inborn but
learned.  Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence   
73   This either-or effect is not rigid-you probably learned to
trust in some situations more than others.  But it is also true
that in the first two years the child adapts an overall strategy or
mental representation of the world which can be quite enduring.   
HSPs With Good Childhoods   
There are, by the way, some reasons to expect many HSPs to have had
unusually good childhoods.  Gwynn Mettetal is a psychologist at
Indiana University studying how best to help parents of the
"temperamentally at risk." She notes that most parents try hard to
understand their children and raise them correctly.  A sensitive
child's realization of these good intentions can provide a stronger
than usual feeling of being loved.   
Parents of a highly sensitive child often develop an especially
intimate bond with their child.  The communication is more subtle,
and the tn'umphs in the world are more significant.   "Look, Mom-I
scored a goal!" takes on all new meaning to parents and coaches
when the soccer-player is an HSR And since the trait is inborn,
there is a good chance that one or both of your parents understood
you very well.   
Research at the University of California Medical School in San
Francisco found that children who were "highly sensitive to stress"
had more injuries and illnesses if they were under stress but
actually had fewer when not under stress.  Since stress is greatly
influenced by the security of a child's attachment and family life,
I think it's safe to assume that highly sensitive children enjoying
a secure attachment style also enjoy unusually good health.  Isn't
that interesting to know?   
Finally, even if your parents practiced benign neglect, you may
have received enough love and been allowed sufficient space to gruw
up fine on your own.  Perhaps imaginary figures, characters in
books, or nature itself calmed and supported you enough; your trait
may have made you happier than other children with this solitude. 
Or your intuition and many good attributes may have brought you
into other, healthier close relationships, with a relative or
teacher.  Even a little time with the right person can make all the
difference.   
If your family was unusually difficult, you should also be  74   The Highly Sensitive Person   aware that your trait may have
protected you from being quite as involved in or confused by the
chaos as another child might have been.  And when you start to
heal, your intuition will help you in that process.  Those who
study attachment find that most of the time we impart to our
children the same experience we had, but there are definitely
exceptions, and they are the adults who have healed their worst
childhood hurts.  If you make the admittedly painful effort, you
can be one of those, too.  We will return to this in chapter 8.   
New Fears Out in the World   
As you approached school age, there were new tasks and new ways
your sensitivity could help or hinder you.  Like Rob in chapter 2,
your exposure to the big, wide world would have further stimulated
your imagination, produced a heightened awareness of everything
that escaped others, and given you great joy and appreciation of
the smallest beauties in life.  As your sensitivity encountered a
bigger world, it also probably gave rise to new "unreasonable"
fears and phobias.   
Fears can increase at this age for many reasons.  First, there is
simple conditioning: Whatever was around when you were overaroused
became associated with overarousal and so became something more to
be feared.  Second, you may have realized just how much was going
to be expected of you, how little your hesitations would be
understood.  Third, your sensitively tuned "antenna" picked up on
all the feelings in others, even those emotions they wanted to hide
from you or themselves.  Since some of those feelings were
frightening (given that your survival depended on these people),
you may have repressed your knowledge of them.  But your fear
remained and expressed itself as more "unreasonable" fear.   
Finally, being sensitive to the discomfort, disapproval, or anger
of others probably made you quick to follow every rule as perfectly
as possible, afraid to make a mistake.  Being so good all the time,
however, meant ignoring many of your normal human
feelings-irritation, frustration, selfishness, rage.   Since you
were so eager to please, othens could ignore your  Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence   would only friel your
anger But such feelings may have been so frightening that you
buried them.  The fear of their breaking out would become yet
another source of "unreasonable" fears and nightmares.   
Finally, for many of you, the patience your parents showed about
your sensitivity in the first three years now ran thin.  They had
hoped you would outgrow it.  But as it came time to send you to
school, they knew the world was not going to treat you gently. 
They may have begun to blame themselves for overprotecting you, to
launch a campaign of pushing you harder.   Maybe they even sought
professional help, giving you an even stronger message that
something was wrong with you.  All of this also could have added to
your anxiety at this age.   
The Problem of Sensillt'e Little Boys   
There appear to be just as many males as females born as HSPs.  
But then your culture gets hold of you.  Cultures have strong   
ideas about how little men and women ought to behave.   
The issue is so impoflant to us that it is almost funny.  A
colleague told me about this infr~rmal social psychological experi 
 
ment: A new baby was left in a park with an attendant who,   
when asked by passersby, would claim to have agreed to sitwith the
child for a few moments and did not know if it was a boy or girl. 
Everyone stopping to admire the infant was quite distressed at not
being able to know the child's gender.  Some even offered to
undress the child to find out.  Other studies explain why gender
matters so much: people tend to treat baby boys and girls quite
differently.   
It is fascinating how extensively gender is confused with
sensitivity.  Men should not be sensitive, women should be.  And it
all begins at home.  Research shows that little boys who are "shy"
are not liked as well by their mothers, which, according to the
researchers "can be interpreted as a consequence of the
value-system of the mother." What a start on life.  Shy boys get
negative reactions from others, too, especially when the boy is
also mild-tempered at home.  76   The Highly Sensitive Person   Sensitive Little Girls-Mothers'
Special Co mpan ions   
In contrast to shy boys, girls seen as shy get along well with
their mothers; they are the good ones.  The problem here is that
sensitive girls can be overprotected.  In the sensitive daughter a
mother may find the child she dreams of, the one who will not,
should not, and cannot leave home-all of which dampens the
sensitive little girl's natural urge to explore and overcome her
fears.   
Girls at every age show more negative effects (including withdrawal
from the world) from any negative attitudes their mother has toward
thementicism, rejection, coldness.  This is probably far more true
for sensitive girls.  Moreover, fathers often forget to help their
daughters overcome their fears.  Finally, overall, little girls are
more affected by both parents, for better or worse.   
Having read all of this, it is time to think about the ways in
which you need to be a different kind of parent to yourself now. 
To begin, do the self-assessment of "How You Cope With Threats of
Overarousal."   
Being a Different Kind of Parent to Thurself   
Some situations are overstimulating because they are too intense or
long.  The child in you cannot bear the fireworks, cannot take
another hour at the carnival.  Reading the previous chapter should
have helped you to take your infant/body seriously when it has had
enough.  But sometimes it is doing fine but afraid of what is
coming, of the very idea of seeing the fireworks or riding the
Ferris wheel.  When new situations produce overstimulation because
they are unfamiliar, and unfamiliar things in the past have turned
out to be upsetting, then naturally we reject everything new
without trying it.  That means we can miss out on a lot.   
In order to be willing to try new things, you need plenty of
experiences in facing new situations and doing okay.  For an HSP,
doing well in new circumstances is never automatic.  Parents who
understand their highly sensitive kids develop a "step- by-step"
strategy.  Then the children themselves eventually learn  Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence   
77   HOW YOU COPE WITH THREATS   
OF OVERAROUSAL   
Do not hesitate to check several of the statements below, even if
they seem inconsistent.  Just check the items that apply to you,
making each answer independent of the one before.   
When I am afraid of trying something new or am on the verge of
being overstimulated or overaroused, I usually   
- Try to escape the situation.   
- Look for ways to control the stimulation.   
- Expect to be able to endure it in some way.   
- Feel a rising sense of fear that everything may go wrong now.   
- Seek out someone I can trust to help me or at least keep that
person in mind.   
- Get away from everyone so that at least no one can add to the
problem.   
- Try to be with others-friends, family, a group I know well~r go
to church, take a class, get out in public somewhere.   
- Vow to try even harder to avoid it and everything like it no
matter how much I miss out on.   
- Complain, get angry, do whatever I must to get those responsible
to stop distressing me.   
- Focus on calming down and trying to take things one step at a
time.   
Your own methods: ___________________________________ All of these
have their placeeven fear, which can mobilize us   
to act But some are obviously better suited to some situations than
others, so flexibility is the key.  If you use fewer than three,
you should look at the list again and think about adopting more.  

Who taught you these methods?  What might have happened to prevent
you from using more of them?  Recognizing these childhood sources
of your coping responses can help you see what is still ~seful,
what is no longer necessary.  78   The Highly Sensitive Person   to apply it to themselves.  If
your parents did not teach you step by step, it is time you learned
to teach yourself this style of meeting the unfamiliar   
I have adapted here some of the advice on the "shy child" from
Alicia Lieberman's Emotional Lift of the Toddler: to be used by
grownups when we feel afraid to enter new situations:   
1.  Just as a parent does not send a toddler into a new situation
alone, do not do that to yourself.  Take someone else along.   
2.  Just as a parent begins by talking about the situation with the
child, talk to the fearful part of yourself.  Focus on what is
familiar and safe.   
3.  Just as a parent keeps the promise that the child can leave if
he or she becomes too upset, allow yourself to go home if you need
to.   
4.  Just as a parent is confident the child will be okay after a
while, expect the part of yourself that is afraid to be okay after
some time to adjust to all the unfamiliar stimulation.   
5.  Just as a parent is careful not to respond to a child's fear
with more concern than is justified by the situation, if the part
that is fearful needs help, respond with no more anxiety than the
braver part of you thinks is justified.   
Remember, too, that overarousal can be mistaken for anxiety.  A
good parent to yourself might say, "There sure is a lot going on
here; it makes your heart pound with excitement, doesn't it?"   
Weighing ~pedal Needs"Against the Risk   
of Lasting Discouragement   
Perhaps the most difficult task is deciding how much to protect
yourself, how much to gently push yourself forward.  It is the
problem all parents of sensitive children face.  You probably know
how to put pressure on yourself; you do it just the way your
parents, teachers, and friends did.  Few HSPs escape the pressure
to be a good sport, normal, or pleasing to others, and even when
those others are long gone, you keep on trying to please them.  You
imitate their failure to accept your special   �  Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence   79   need to be
buffered.  In the terms of the last chapter, you tend to be "out"
too much.   
Or you may have imitated overprotection, which may have   
been nothing but a failure to help you when you were both   
afraid and eager to try something within your ability.  In that
case, you may be "in" too much.   
How discouraging to watch your friends enjoying something you are
too afraid to try.  Do not underestimate such discouragement.  It
can be just as present in adulthood as you see friends taking on
careers, travel, moves, and relationships that you would fear.  Yet
deep inside you also know you have the same or more talent, desire,
and potential.   
Envy can wake us up to one of two truths: We want some- thing and
better do something about it while we still can, or we want
something and just cannot have it.  As you saw in chapter 2, in
Rotherbart's description of how we develop, adult humans are
capable of directing attention, using willpower, and dec iding to
overcome a fear. If your envy is strong and you decide you want to
do something, you probably can.   
Another, equally important pan of growing up is no longer
pretending we will be able to do absolutely everything.  Life is
short and filled with limits and responsibilities.  We each get a
piece of the "good" to enjoy, just as we each contribute a piece of
that good to the world.  But none of us can have it all for
ourselves or do it all for others.   
I have noticed that not all HSPs feel discouraged by not being able
to do everything their peers do.  They have little envy.  They
appreciate their trait and know it gives them much that others
lack.  I think the discouragement, like the failure to buffer
ourselves, comes from attitudes learned in early childhood.   
it's Never Too Late to Overcome Discouragement   
While it is wise to accept what we cannot change about ourselves,
it is also good to remember that we are never too old to replace
discouragement with bits and pieces of confidence and hope.   
As a child, I had a special sensitivity to falling, which spi  80   The Highty Sensitive Person   raled into overarousal and a
loss of coordination whenever 1was up high or relying on my own
balance.  Thus, I never in- sisted on being taught things like
riding a bicycle, roller skating, or ice skating-which I think only
relieved my mother Thus, I have always been more of an envious
observer than a participant in physical activities, but there have
been glowing exceptions, such as what happened at the end of a
summer- solstice celebration I attended in Calift~rnia, on a ranch
in the foothills of the Sierras.   
The women at the event were of all ages.  But in the evening, when
they had found a swing, they became a group of young girls.  The
swing was on a long rope and swept out over a slope.  In the
twilight, it was like flying to the stars.  Or so they said. 
Everyone had tried it except me.   
When the others had wandered indoors, I stayed, looking at the
swing and feeling that old shame of being the scaredy-cat, even
though probably no one had noticed.   
Then a woman much younger than I appeared and offered to show me
how to use the swing.  I said no, I didn't want to.   But she
ignored that.  She promised she would never push me harder than I
wanted.  And she held out the swing.   
It took some time.  But somehow I felt safe with her, and I built
up the courage to swing out toward the stars like the others.   
I never saw that young woman again, but I will always be grateful
not only for the experience but for the respect and understanding
she showed as she taught me how~ne gentle swing at a time.   
Your School Years   
Marsha's memones of her school years were typical of HSPs.   She
excelled in school and was even a kind of leader when it came to
plans and ideas.  She was also bored.  Her restless imagination led
her to read books during lessons.  Still, she was "usually the
smartest."   
At the same time that she was bored, the overstimulation of school
always bothered her.  She recalls best juSt the noise.  It did not
frighten her, but especially if the teacher left the room,  Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence   
81   the noise was unbearable.  The racket at home, eight people in 
 
a tiny bouse, also made her miserable.  In good weather she hid in
trees or under the porch and read books.  In bad weather she just
learned to tune everything out while she read.   
At school, however, overarousal can be harder to avoid.  One   
day the teacher read aloud some newspaper accounts of the horrible
tortures of certain prisoners of war.  Marsha passed out.   
When you started school, like Marsha, you encountered the   
wider world.  The first shock may have been the separation from
home.  But even if you were prepared for that by going to
preschool, your senses could never be prepared for the long,   
noisy day in the average primary-grade classroom.  At best, your  

teachers maintained a range of stimulation that worked for the   
average child's optimal level of arousal.  For you it was almost  

always excessive.   
Probably at first you dealt with school by withdrawing and just
observing.  I recall well my son's first day in school.  He went to
the corner and stared as if dumbstruck.  But silent watching is not
"normal." The teacher says, "The others are playing-why don't you?"
Rather than displeasing the teacher or   
being seen as odd, maybe you overcame your reluctance.  Or   
maybe you simply could not.  In which case, more and more attention
came your way-just what you did not need.   
Jens Asendorpf of the Max Plank Institute for Psychology in Munich
has written on how normal it is for some children to prefer to play
alone.  At home parents usually sense that doing so is just part of
their child's personality.  But at school things are different.  By
second grade, playing alone causes a child to be rejected by other
children and an object of concern for teachers.   
For some of you, all this overarousal and shame led to poor
classroom performance.  Most of you, however, being fond of reading
and quiet study, excelled in.  schoolwork.  It was the development
of social or physical skills that was hampered by your overarousal. 
To handle that, perhaps you found a close friend to play with.  And
perhaps you had the reputation of being the one who thought up the
best games, wrote the best stories, and painted the best pictures. 
 
Indeed, if you had entered school with confidence about  82   The Highly Sensitive Person   yourself and your trait, as did
Charles in chapter 1, you may have been a real leader.  If not, as
one sensitive friend of mine a physicist, said, "Can you think of
anyone really great who had an easy time of it in school?"   
Schoolboys, Schoolgirls   
In my research I found that by school age most male HSPs were
introverts.  This makes sense, since a sensitive boy is not
"normal." They had to be careful in groups or with strangers to see
how they were going to be treated.   
Sensitive girls, like sensitive boys, often rely on one or two
friends throughout their school years.  But some of them are fairly
extroverted.  Unlike the boys, if they display some over- arousal
or emotion, they are doing what is expected of them.  It may even
help them to be accepted by the other girls.   
The negative side of this permission to be emotional, however, can
be that a sensitive girl is never forced to put on the armor that
sensitive boys have to don to survive.  Girls may have little
practice in emotional control and feel helpless in the face of
emotional overarousal.  Or they may use their emotions to
manipulate others, including to protect themselves from over-
arousal.  "If we have to play that game again, I'm going to cry."
The straightforward self-assertion needed in adulthood is not
expected or wanted from them.   Giftedness   If you were labeled
gifted, your childhood may have been easier.  Your sensitivity was
understood as part of a larger trait that was more socially
accepted.  There existed better advice to teachers and parents
concerning gifted children.  For example, one researcher reminds
parents that such children cannot be expected to blend well with
their peers.  Parents will not produce a spoiled freak if they give
their child special treatment and extra opportunities.  Parents and
teachers are firmly told to allow gifted children to just be who
they are.  This is good advice for children with all traits that
miss the average and ideal, but giftedness is valued enough to
permit deviation from the norm.       Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence     83 There is some
good and bad in everything, however, Parents or teachers may have
pressured you.  Your self-worth may have been entirely contingent
upon your achievements.  Meanwhile, if you were not with gifted
peers, you would be lonely and possibly rejected.  There are now
some better guidelines for raising gifted children.  I have adapted
them for reparenting your gifted self.   
Reparenting Your ~ifted" Self   
1.  Appreciate yourself for being, not doing.   
2.  Praise yourself for taking n'sks and learning something new
rather than for your successes; it will help you cope with failure. 
 
3.  Try not to constantly compare yourself to others; it invites
excessive competition.   
4.  Give yourself opportunities to interact with other gifted   
people.   
5.  Do not overschedule yourself.  Allow time to think, to
daydream.   
6.  Keep your expectations realistic.   
7.  Do not hide your abilities.   
8.  Be your own advocate.  Support your right to be yourself.   
9.  Accept it when you have narrow interests.  Or broad ones.   
About this last point-maybe you just want to study neutrinos and
nothing else.  Or maybe you just want to read, travel, study, or
talk until you figure out the meaning of human life on this planet. 
It takes both types to make a world.  (Besides, you will probably
change at another stage in life.)  More will be said about
giftedness in adults (a neglected topic) in chapter 6.   
The Highly Sensitive Adolescent   
Adolescence is a difficult time for anyone.  But my research has
found that on the average HSPs report their high school years   
as the most difficult of all.  There are mind-boggling biological
changes and the rapid addition of one adult responsibility after
another: driving, vocational or college choices, the proper use  84   The Highly Sensitive Person   of alcohol and drugs, potential
parenthood, being trusted with children in jobs as baby-sitters or
camp counselors, and little things like keeping track of ID, money,
and keys.  Then there is the big one, the awakening of sexual
feelings and the painful self-consciousness that it brings. 
Sensitive youths seem bound to feel uneasy with the sexual roles of
victim or aggressor that the media imply they are expected to play. 
 
It is also possible, however, to displace energy or anxiety onto
sex because the real source of the anxiety is harder to face. 
Think of the pressure to make choices that will determine your
entire life, with no idea of the outcome; the expectation that
you'll leave the home you've always known and do so gladly or at
least resolutely; the fear that now your "fatal flaw" will reveal
itself fully as you fail to make the expected transition to
independent living.   
It is not surprising that many sensitive adolescents meet the
crisis by destroying their budding self so they will not have to
watch it fail to bloom "right." And there are plenty of ways to
self-destruct: marrying or having a baby in a way that imprisons
one in a narrow, prescribed role; abusing drugs or alcohol;
becoming physically or mentally incapacitated; joining a cult or
organization that offers security and answers; or suicide.  It is
not that all of these behaviors are caused by being sensitive (or
that the self, tough plant that it is, will not survive some of
them and be a late bloomer).  But these escapes, available to all
adolescents, are used by some HSPs as well.   
Of course, for many the duties of adulthood are postponed by going
to college.  (Then there may be graduate school, a postdoctorate,
an internship.)  Or one finds another way to assume life's duties
very gradually.  Delaying, as opposed to avoidance, is a fine
tactic, another form of the method of learning I call step-by-step. 
Never feel bad about using it for a while.   
Maybe you delayed leaving home.  You lived with parents for a few
years, worked for them for a while, or moved in with hometown high
school friends.  Becoming a functioning adult step-by-step really
works fine.  Suddenly one day you are an adult, doing it all, and
you never noticed how you got there.   
Sometimes, however, we take too big a step.  College can be that
for some HSPs.  I have known so many HSPs who dropped  Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence   
85   out after the first term (or after their first return home,
often at Christmas).  Neither they nor their parents nor their
counselors understand the real problem, overstimulation from a
whole new life-new people, new ideas, new life plans, plus living
in a noisy dorm and staying up all night talking or partying, plus
probably experimenting with sex, drugs, and alcohol (or nursing
your friends through the aftereffects of their experiments).   
Even when the sensitive student would rather withdraw and rest,
there is that pressure to do what others do, be normal, keep up,
make friends, satisfy everyone's expectations.  Whatever trouble
you had in college should be reframed.  It was not some personal
failure.   
Not surprisingly, a good home life helps all adolescents a great
deal, even at the time for leaving the nest.  The enduring
influence of the home is especially strong for HSPs.  By
adolescence your family had taught you a great deal about how you
can and should behave in the real world.   
Wben Sensitive Boys and Girls Become   
Men and Women   
As highly sensitive adolescents become adults, the differences
between the genders increase.  Like tiny variations in direction at
the start of a trip, differences in upbringing can cause sensitive
men and women to arrive at very different destinations.   
In general, men have higher self-esteem then women.  When parents
appreciate their sensitive boy, as in the case of Charles in
chapter 1, then, as an adult, he will have great self- confidence. 
At the other extreme, I found many highly sensitive men who were
filled with self-loathing-not surprising, given the rejections they
had experienced.   
A study of men who had been shy since childhood (I assume that most
were HSPs) found that they marned an average of three years later
than other men, had their first child four years later, and began
a stable career three years later, which in turn tended to lead to
lower professional achievement.  This could reflect cultural
prejudice against shy men or lower self- confidence.  It could also
indicate the kind of caution and delaying that is healthy for an
HSP or the valuing of other things  86   The High4' Sensiflve Person   beside family and career-perhaps
spiritual or artistic goals.  At any rate, if you have been slow to
take these steps, you have plenty of company.   
In contrast, the same study found that shy women went through the
traditional stages of life right on time.  A shy woman was far less
likely to have worked at all or to have continued working when she
married, as if availing hen~elf of the patriarchal tradition of
going from her father~s house to her husband's without having to
learn to support hersel�   
Yet in high school these same women tended to have a `~quiet
independence, an interest in things intellectual, a high aspiration
level, and an inner-directedness.  One can only imagine the tension
in these women's lives created by that `~quiet independence," the
need to follow their inner direction, and their sense that the only
safe, quiet oasis for them was a traditional marriage.   
Many of the women I interviewed felt that their first marriages
were mistakes, attempts to deal with their sensitivity through
adding another person to their life or by assuming a safe role.  I
do not know if their divorce rate is any higher, but their reasons
might be different from those of other women.  It seems that they
are eventually forced both to face the world alone and to find
outlets for their strong intuition, creativity, and other talents. 
If their first marriages did not allow room for that growth, it
became a stepping-stone from home to greater independence when they
were finally ready.   
Marsha was certainly one such woman.  She married young and waited
until her forties to develop the creative and intellectual
abilities so evident in her school years.  For Marsha (and about a
third of the women I interviewed) there may have been more to this
hesitancy about the world than simple sensitivity.   These women
had had upsetting sexual experiences-Marsha with her brothers. 
Even without overt sexual abuse, all young women are known to
experience a descent into low self-esteem at puberty, probably as
they realize their role as sexual objects.   The highly sensitive
girl will sense all the implications even more and make
self-protection a higher priority.  Some overeat to become
unattn~ctive, some overstudy or overtrain so they have no free
time, some pick one boy early and hang on to him for protection.  Reframing Your Chlldhood and Adolescence   
87   Marsha reported that her leadership and classroom brilliance
ended in junior high school, as soon as her breasts developed (with
above-average fr~llness).  Suddenly she was drawing constant
attention from boys.  She wore an overcoat to school in all weather
and became as inconspicuous as she could.  Besides, as she put it,
the leaders now were the "dumb, giggly boy chasers." She could not
or would not be one of them.   
She was often accosted by boys, anyway.  One day a pair chased her
and stole a kiss.  She went home horrified, stepped into the house,
and saw an actual or visionary rat-she never knew which-hurtling
down the stairs at her.  For years after that, whenever she kissed
a boy, she saw that rat.   
At sixteen she fell in love for the first time, but broke it off
when they seemed to be getting too close.  She remained a virgin
until twenty-three, when she was date-raped.  After that she gave
herself to anyone who persisted-"except the boys I really loved."
Then came an abusive marriage, the long wait for the courage to
divorce that man, and the beginning of her artistic career.   
In sum, once again there is the gender difference in how
sensitivity is manifested.  As sensitive boys become men, they must
fall out of step with other men in the timing and the nature of
their lives.  Being sensitive is not "normal" for men.   Meanwhile,
for women sensitivity is expected.  Sensitive girls find it all too
easy to take the path of traditional values without first learning
how to be in the world.   
Growing Up's Bottom Line: We Grow   
Into a Highly Social World   
We are at the end of a chapter but possibly the start of a life's
work: learning to see your childhood in the light of your trait and
reparenting younself when necessary.   
Looking back, you will notice how much this chapter about growing
up highly sensitive has been concerned with you and your
relationships with others-with parents, relatives, peens, teachers,
strangers, friends, dating partners, spouses.  Humans are very
social animals, even we HSPs!  It seems to be time to  88   The Highly Sensitive Person   turn to the HSP's social life
and to this word which keeps coming up, this state of mind called
"shy.'   
Working With What You Have Learned - Reframing Your Cbildbood   
The heart of this chapter and perhaps of this book is the reframing
of your life in terms of your sensitivity.  It is the task of
seeing your failures, hurts, shyness, embarrassing moments, and all
the rest in a new way, one that is both more coolly accurate and
warmly compassionate.   
List the major events you remember from childhood and adolescence,
the memories that shaped who you are.  These might be single
moments-a school play or the day your parents told you they were
divorcing.  Or they might be whole categories-the first day of
school each year or being sent to camp each summer.  Some memories
will be negative, even traumatic and tragic.  Being bullied or
teased.  Some will have been positive but still ped~aps
overwhelming: Christmas morning, family vacations, successes,
honors.   
Choose one event and go through the steps for reframing introduced
in chapter 1:   
1.  Think about your response to the event and how you have always
mewed it.  Did you feel you responded "wrong" or not like others
would have?  Or for too long?  Did you decide you   
were no good in some way?  Did you try to hide your upset from
others?  Or did othens find out and tell you that you were being
`~too much"?   
2.  Gonsider your response in the light of what you know now about
hou' your bo~v a~ttomatically operates.  Or imagine me, an author,
explaining it to you.       Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence     89 3.  Think f
there's anything that needs to be done about it now.  If it seems
right, share your new view of the situation with someone else. 
Perhaps it could even be someone who was present at the time who
could help you continue to fit details into the picture.  Or write
down your old and new view of the experience and keep it around for
a while as a reminder.   
If this is helpfol, reframe another major childhood event in a few
days, until you have gone through the list.  Do not rush the
process.  Allow a few days for each.  A major event deserves time
to be digested.  The Slide Into "Shy"   "You're too shy." Did you hear that often? 
You will think about it differently after reading this chapter,
which discusses where shyness usually happens most: in your
nonintimate social relationships.  (The close ones are discussed in
chapter 7.)  Many of you are gifted socially-that's a fact.  But
since there is no point in fixing something that's not broken, I'll
focus here on a problem that typically needs fixing-what others
call `~shyness," social "avoidance,' social "phobia." But we will
approach it, and a few other common issues for HSPs, in a very
different way.   
Again, by focusing on problems I don't mean to imply that HSPs
necessarily have a difficult social life.  But even the president
of the United States and the queen of England must sometimes worry
about what others are thinking about them.  So you probably worry
about that, too, sometimes.  And worry makes us overaroused, our
special Achilles heel.   
Also, we often are told, `~Don't worry; no one is judging you." But
being sensitive, you may be noticing that people really are
watching and judging; people usually do.  The nonsensitive are
often happily oblivious of it.  So your task in life is much
harder: to know about those glances, those silent judgments, and
still not let them affect you too much.  It's not easy.   90  Social Relationships   91   If You Have Always Considered Yourself
Shy   
Most people conftise sensitivity with shyness.  That is why you
heard "You're too shy." People say a certain dog, cat, or horse was
born "shy" when it really has a sensitive nervous system (unless it
has been abused; then it would be more accurate to say it's
"afraid").  Shyness is the fear others are not going to like or
approve of us.  That makes it a response to a situation.  It is a
certain state, not an always-present trait.  Shyness, even chronic
shyness, is not inherited.  Sensitivity is.  And while chronic
shyness does develop more in HSPs, it needn't.  I have met many
HSPs who are almost never shy.   
If you often feel shy, there is a good explanation for how you or
anyone else probably got that way, non-HSPs included.   Sometime in
your past you entered a social situation (usually overstimulating
to begin with) and felt that you failed.  Others said you did
something wrong or did not seem to like you, or you failed to meet
your own standards in the situation.  Maybe you were already
overaroused, having used your excellent imagination to envision all
that might go wrong.   
Usually one failure is not enough to make anyone chronically shy,
although it can happen.  Usually it happens that the next time you
were in the same situation, you were more aroused because you
feared a repeat of the previous time.  And being more aroused made
failure more likely.  By the third time, you were being very brave,
but you were also impossibly aroused.  You couldn't think of
anything to say, you acted inferior and were treated that way, and
so forth.  You can see how this pattern could repeat and repeat
into a downward spiral.  It can also spread to other situations
that are even a little similar, like all situations with people
present!   
HSPs, being more easily aroused, are more likely to enter that
spiral.  But you were not born shy, just sensitive.   
Ridding "Shyness" From Your SelfConcept   
There are three problems with accepting the label "shy." First, it
is totally inaccurate.  It misses the real you, your sensitivity to
subtlety and your difficulty with oven~rousal.  Remember, over-  92   The Highly Sensitive Person   j   
arousal is not always due to fear.  Thinking it is fear can make
you feel shy when you are not, as we will see.   
This confusion of your trait with the state of mind called shyness
is natural, given that 75 percent of the population (at least in
the United States) are very socially outgoing.  When they see that
you look overaroused, they do not realize that it could be due to
too much stimulation.  That is not their experience.   They think
you must be afraid of being rejected.  You're shy.   You fear
rejection.  Why else would you not be socializing?   
Sometimes you are afraid of rejection.  Why not?  Your style is not
the cultural ideal, after all.  But as an HSP, sometimes you just
don't want the extra arousal.  When others are treating you as if
you're shy and afraid, it can be hard to realize that you've simply
chosen to be alone, at least at first.  You are the one rejecting. 
You are not being rejected.  (Besides not understanding because
they were born needing more arousal than you to be comfortable,
non-HSPs also can project their own fear of rejection onto you-that
is, attributing to you something they do not want to admit in
themselves.)   
If you are spending less time in crowds or meeting strangers, when
you do have to be in such situations, you are almost bound to be
less skilled.  It is not your specialty.  But again, to assume you
are shy or afraid is inaccurate.  When people set out to help you,
they are usually starting from the wrong premise.  For example,
they think you lack confidence and reassure you that you are
likable.  In effect, however, that is telling you there is
something the matter with you-low self-esteem.   Not knowing your
underlying trait, they give you the wrong reason for your being
less sociable and cannot give you the many real reasons you should
feel fine about yourself.   
Calling Yourself Shy Is Negative   
Unfortunately, the term shy has some very negative connotations. 
It does not have to; sby can also be equated with words such as
discreet, self-controlled, thoughtftil, and sensitive.  But studies
have shown that most people on first meeting those I would call
HSPs considered them shy and equated that with anxious, awkward,
feafful, inhibited, and timid.  Even mental  Social Relaiionsh~s   
93   health professionals have rated them, more often than not,
this way and also as lower on intellectual competence, achievement,
and mental health, which, in fact, bear no association with
shyness.  Only people who knew the shy people well, such as their
spouses, chose the positive terms.  Another study found that the
tests used by psychologists to measure shyness are replete with the
same negative terms.  Maybe that would be all right if the tests
were of a state of mind, but they're often used to identify "shy
people," who then bear a negative label.  Beware of the hidden
prejudice behind the word shy.   
Calling Yourself Shy Is SelfFulfllling   
A rather charming psychological experiment involving shyness done
at Stanford University by Susan Brodt and Philip Zimbardo,
demonstrates why you need to know that you are not shy but just an
HSP who can become overaroused.   
Brodt and Zimbardo found women students who said they were
extremely "shy," especially with men, and others who were not
"shy," to serve as a comparison group.  In the study, which
supposedly concerned the effects of loud noise, each woman spent
time with a young man.  The man, who was unaware of whether or not
the woman was "shy," had been instructed to converse with each
woman in the same style.  The interesting twist was that some of
the shy women were fooled into thinking that their
overarousal-their pounding heart and racing pulse-was due to the
loud noise.   
The result was that those "shy" women who believed their
overarousal had been caused by a loud noise talked just as much as
the nonshy women.  They even took charge, controlling the topic of
conversation just as much as the nonshy women did.  The other group
of shy women,- who had nothing else on which to blame their
arousal, talked much less and allowed the man to control the
conversation much more.  After the experiment, the young man was
asked to guess which women were shy.  He could not distinguish
nonshy women from shy women who had been led to believe their
arousal was due to the noise.   
These shy women became less shy by assuming that there  94   The Highly Sensitive Person   was no social reason for their
overarousal.  They also said they did not feel shy and truly
enjoyed the experience.  Indeed, when asked if they would prefer to
be alone next time if they were again a participant in a "noise
bombardment experiment," two- thirds said they would prefer not to
be, compared to only 14 percent of the other shy women and 25
percent of the nonshy.   Apparently these shy women had an
especially fine time just because they thought their oven~rousal
was caused by something besides shyness.   
Remember this experiment the next time you feel over- aroused in a
social situation.  Your heart may be pounding for any number of
reasons having nothing to do with the people you are with.  There
may be too much noise, or you may be worrying about something else
you are only half aware of that has nothing to do with the person
you are with.  So go ahead, ignore the other causes (if you can),
and have a good time.   
I have given you three strong reasons not to call yourself shy
anymore.  It is inaccurate, negative, and self-fulfilling.  And do
not let others label you with it, either.  Let's say it is your
civic duty to eradicate this social prejudice.  Not only is it
unfair, but as discussed in chapter 1, it is dangerous because it
helps to silence the thoughtful voices of HSPs by reducing their
self- confidence.   
How to Think About Your "Social Discomfort"   
Social discomfort (the term I prefer to "shy") is almost always due
to overarousal, which makes you act, speak, or appear not very
socially skilled.  Or it is the dread that you will become
overaroused.  You dread doing something awkward, not being able to
think of what to say.  But the dread itself is usually enough now
to create the overarousal, once in the situation.   
Remember, discomfort is temporary, and it gives you choices. 
Suppose you are uncomfortably cold.  You can tolerate it.  You can
find a more congenial environment.  You can create some heat-build
a fire, turn up the thermostat~~r ask those in charge to do it. 
You can put on a coat.  The one thing you should not do is blame
yourself for being inherently more susceptible to a cold
environment.  Social Relaflbnsbips   
95   The same is true of a temporary social discomfort due to
overarousal.  You can put up with it, leave the situation, change
the social atmosphere or ask others to, or do something else to
make you more comfortable, like put on your "persona" (I'll discuss
this later).   
In all cases, you are consciously ridding yourself of the
discomfort.  So forget the idea that you are inherently
uncomfortable in social situations.   
Five Ways to Handle Overarousal   
in Social Situations   
1.  Remember that overarousal is not necessarily fear.   
2.  Find other HSPs to talk to, one on one.   
3.  Use your arousal-reducing skills.   
4.  Develop a good "persona" and consciously use it.   
5.  Explain your trait to others.   
Never underestimate the power of simply acknowledging to yourself
that you are overaroused, possibly by something having nothing to
do with the people you are with.  If you are judged for that, it is
not the real you but the one temporarily flustered by overarousal. 
If and when they know the calm you, the you who is subtly aware,
they will be favorably impressed.   You know that is true because
you have close friends who admire you.   
When I went back to graduate school at midlife, on the very first
day, in the first hour, in the breakfast room, I dropped a lull
glass of milk all over myself and the floor and several others in
the vicinity.  No one had bumped me.  I just hit it against
something.  It happened in full view of all of my future fellow
students and faculty, the people I most wanted to impress.   
The pure shock added to my already almost unbearable overarousal. 
But thanks only to the research I was doing on HSPs like you and
me, I knew all about why I had done it.  My body's inability to
even carry milk was predictable.  The day was difficult, but I did
not let the spilled milk add to my social discomfort.   
As the day went by, I found other HSPs, and that helped a  96   The Highly Sensitive Person   great deal.  We were all
spilling milk, so to speak.  In the average social situation there
ought to be about 20 percent who are HSPs and another 30 percent
who feel moderately sensitive.   Studies of shyness find that on an
anonymous questionnaire 40 percent call themselves shy.  In a
roomlul of people, the odds are that there is at least one person
with your trait or who is feeling social discomfort.  Catch their
eyes after you stumble, literally or metaphorically, and notice the
look of deep sympathy.   You have an instant friend.   
Meanwhile, use all the points suggested in chapter 3 to reduce your
arousal.  Take breaks.  Go for a walk.  Breathe deeply.   Move in
some way.  Consider your options.  Maybe it's time to go.  Maybe
there's a better place to position yourself, by an open window, an
aisle, or the door.  Think in terms of containers- who or what
quiet, familiar presence could hold you right now?   
There were times on th~t finst day of graduate school when I feared
that the faculty would think something was seriously wrong with me. 
With the average non-HSP, being this overaroused could only mean
serious conflicts and instability.  So I used all my
tricks-walking, meditating, driving off campus at lunchtime,
calling home for some comfort.  And it worked well enough.   
We often think our overarousal is more noticeable to others than it
really is.  You know that much of social life is one "persona"
meeting another, with neither person looking too far beneath the
surface.  By behaving in a predictable way, talking the way others
do even when you don't feel like it, no one will hassle you or draw
the wrong conclusion that you're arrogant, aloof, plotting, and so
forth.  For example, research finds that "shy" students tend to see
themselves as doing their best socially, but their roommates tend
to think they're just not trying enough.  That may be the fault of
the culture for not understanding HSPs, but until we change it, you
may want to make your life a little easier by acting a little more
like everyone else does.  Put ()n your persona; the term comes from
the Greek word for mask.  Behind the mask y)0 can be whoever you
want.   
On the other hand, sometimes the best tactic is to explain your
overarousal.  I often do this when speaking or teaching in front of
a group of strangers.  I tell them that I know I sound a  Social Relationships   
97   little strained but in a few minutes I'll be fine.  In a
group, explaining your trait may lead to a more intimate
conversation about everyone's social discomfort, make it possible
for you to go off alone without feeling guilty, or free you to take
a break without being left out when you return.  Perhaps there is
someone who could lessen the stimulation you're
experiencing--adjust the lighting or volume or let you pass when
introductions are made.   
Once you mention being highly sensitive, you'll arouse one of two
stereotypes, depending on your choice of words.  One stereotype,
frankly, is of a passive victim, someone weak and troubled.  The
other is of a gifted, deep, powerful presence in the room.  It
takes practice bringing up the positive stereotype through the
words you choose to explain your needs.  We'll work on that in
chapter 6.   
When I have to be with a group of people for a whole day or
weekend, I often explain that I need plenty of time alone.   Often
others do, too.  But even if I'm the only one going to my room
early and taking long walks alone, I've learned not to generate
sympathy or pity but to leave behind an air of mystery.   Members
of the "royal advisor" class must consider these matters.  Be a
little cagey about your HSP "PR."   
People, Arousal, and Introversion   
Thus far we have attacked the "problem" by getting rid of the label
shy and understanding what is going on as familiar over- arousal. 
It is equally important that you appreciate that there's more than
one right way to be social.   
Your way of being social arises from a basic fact: For most of us,
the majority of the arousing stimulation in the external world is
created by other people, whether at home, at work, or in public. 
We're all social beings who enjoy and must depend on others.  But
many HSPs avoid people who come in the overstimulating packages-the
strangers, the big parties, the crowds.   For most HSPs, this is a
smart strategy.  In a highly stimulating, demanding world, everyone
has to establish priorities.   
Of course, no one can be an expert at dealing with the situations
they choose to avoid.  But most of you can manage or  98   The Highly Sensitive Person   learn to.  Just managing is an
acceptable, smart way to save your energy for whatever else matters
to you.   
It's also true that some HSPs avoid strangers, parties, and other
group situations because of having been rejected by peers and
groups in the past.  Because they didn't fit our culture's ideal of
being outgoing, they've been judged harshly and avoid people they
cannot be sure of.  That seems reasonable, although sad, and is
nothing to be ashamed of.   
In all, 70 percent of HSPs tend to be socially "introverted." That
does not mean you dislike people.  It means you prefer to have a
few close relationships rather than a large circle of friends and
don't usually enjoy large parties or crowds.  But even the most
introverted person is sometimes an extravert and enjoys a stranger
or a crowd.  Even the most extraverted is sometimes an introvert. 
 
Introverts are still social beings.  In fact, their well-being is
more affected by their social relationships than is the well-being
of extraverts.  Introverts just go for quality, not quantity.   
(If you're not enjoying a sense of emotional well-being, however,
a close relationship with someone does not always solve that
problem.  Many people, in fact, cannot have a good, close
relationship until they develop a greater sense of wellbeing
through some healing work in psychotherapy, in the broadest sense,
as described in chapter 8.)   
The Extraverted HSP   
I want to emphasize that being an HSP is not the same as being
socially introverted.  In my studies I've found that 30 percent of
us are socially extraverted.  As an extravert, you have large
circles of friends and tend to enjoy groups and strangers.  Perhaps
you were raised in a big, sociable, loving family or safe
neighborhood and learned to see people as sources of safety rather
than reasons to be on guard.   
You still find other sources of arousal difficult, however, like a
long work day or being in the city too much.  When overaroused, you
avoid socializing.  (Extraverted non-HSPs actually relax better
with people around.)  While most of our attention here is on the
habitually introverted, extraverts will probably find it useful,
too.  Social Relationships   
99   Appreciating the Introverted Style   
Avril Thorne, now of the University of California at Santa Cruz,
sat down to watch how introverts actually interact.  Using tests to
identify highly introverted and highly extraverted women college
students, she paired them either witl~ the same sort of person or
their opposite and videotaped the convensations.   
The highly introverted women were serious and focused.   They
talked more about problems and were more cautious.   They tended to
listen, to interview, to give advice; they seemed to be
concentrating on the other in a deep way.   
In contrast, the highly extraverted women did more "pleasure" talk,
sought more agreement, looked for similanties in background and
experience, and paid more compliments.  They were upbeat and
expansive and liked being paired with either type, as if their main
pleasure were in the talking.   
When the extraverted were with someone who was highly introverted,
they liked not having to be so cheerfel.  And the introverted found
conversing with the extraverted `a breath of fresh air." The
picture we gain from Thorne is that each type contributes something
to this world that is equally important.  But given the
undervaluing of the introverted style, it will be good to spend
some time focusing on the virtues of the introverted.   
Carl Jung on the Introverted Style   
Carl Jung saw introversion as a basic division among humans,
causing the major battles of philosophy and psychology, most of
which boil down to conflicts ~wer whether the outer facts or the
inner understanding of those facts are more important in
comprehending any situation or subject.   
Jung saw the two as attitudes toward life, which in most people
alternate, like breathing in and ()ut.  But a few are more
consistently in or out.  Furthermore, to him the two attitudes had
nothing directly to do with being sociable or not.  To be
introverted is simply to turn inward, towards the subject, the
self, rather than outward toward the object.  Introversion arises
from a need and preference to protect the inner, "subjective"
aspect of life, to value it more, and in particular not to allow it
to be overwhelmed by the "objective" world.  100   The Highly Sensitive Person   One cannot emphasize enough the
importance of introverts in Jung's view.   
They are living evidence that this rich and varied world with its
overflowing and intoxicating life is not purely external, but also
exists within .  .  .  Their life teaches more than their words. 
.  .  .  Their lives teach the other possibility, the interior life
which is so painfully wanting in our civilization.   
Jung knew the prejudice in Western culture against the introverted. 
He could tolerate it when it came from the extraverted.  But he
felt that the introverted who undervalue themselves are truly doing
the world a disservice.   
It Takes All Kinds   
Sometimes we do need just to enjoy the world out there as it is and
be glad for those who help us, the extraverted who can make even
total strangers feel connected.  Sometimes we need an inner
anchor-that is, those who are introverted and give their full
attention to the deepest nuances of private experience.   Life is
not just about the movies we have both seen and the restaurants we
have both tried.  Sometimes discussing the subtler questions is
essential for the soul.   
Linda Silverman, an expert on gifted children, found that the
brighter the child, the more likely he or she will be introverted. 
 Introverts are exceptionally creative even with something as
simple as the number of unusual responses to a Rorschach inkblot
test.  They are also more flexible in a sense, in that sometimes
they must do what extraverts do all the time, meet strangers and go
to parties.  But some extraverted people can avoid being
introverted, turning inward, for years at a time.  This greater
versatility on the part of some introverts is especially important
later in life, when one begins to develop what one has lacked up
until midlife.  Later in life, too, self-reflection becomes more
important for everyone.  In short, introverts may mature more
gracefully.   
So you're in good company.  Ignore the barbs about "lightening up."
Enjoy the levity of others and allow yourself your own specialty. 
If you are not good at chitchat, be proud of your   Social Relationships   
101   silence.  Equally important, when your mood changes and your
extraverted self appears, let it be as clumsy or silly as it needs 
 
~ be.  We are all awkward doing our nQnspecialty.  You possess ~ne
piece of the "good." It would only be arrogance to think any of us
should have it all.   
Making Friends   
[ntroverts prefer close relationships for many reasons.  Intimates
an understand and support each other best.  A good friend or ~rtner
can also upset you more, but that forces inner growth, which is
often a high priority for HSPs.  And, given your intution, you
probably like to talk about complicated things like ~hilosophy,
feelings, and struggles.  That is hard to do with a ~`trnnger or at
a party.  Finally, introverts possess traits that can ~ake them
good at close relationships; with intimates they can ~pen'ence
social success.   
The extraverted are right, however, when they say that "a ~anger is
just a friend I haven't met yet." All your closest ?iends were once
strangers.  As those relationships change (or ~en end), you'll
always want to meet new potential close ?iends.  So you might think
back over how you met your best `nends.   C y   The Persona and
Good Manners   
specially if you are usually intnwerted, remember that in most
ocial situations you at least need to meet minimal social
ex)ectations.  HSPs can reduce all rules of etiquette to a
four-word ule: Minimize the other's overarousal.  (Or to two words:
Be ~ind.)  Dead silence, since it is not expected, can arouse
another )erson.  But so can being too outgoing, which is often the
exravert's mistake.  The goal is just to say something pleasant and
insurprising.   
Yes, this may bore some people who are nonsensitive and .~oy lots
of stimulation.  But you want your short-term arousal ~en meeting
a new person to settle down even if it is not a ~roblem for the
other.  Then later on you can be as creative and urprising as you
want.  (But at that point you are taking calcu  102   The Highly Sensitive Person   HOW YOU MET YOUR BEST FRIENDS 
 
Write down the names of your best friends, one to a page ofpaper. 
Then answer the following questions about the beginning of each
friendship.   
Did circumstances force you to talk?   
Did the other take the initiative?   
Was there anything unusual about how you were feeling?   Were you
being especially extraverted that day?   How were you dressed or
feeling about your appearance?   Where were you?  At school, at
work, on vacation, at a party?   What was the situation?  Who
introduced you?  Or were you   
thrown together by chance?  Or did one of you happen to speak to
the other about something?  What happened?   
What were the first moments and hours and days like?   When and how
did you know this would be a friendship?   Now look for
commonalities among these.  For example, you   
may not like parties, but that was the setting for meeting two of
your best friends.  Are any of these common features, like going to
school or working with others, absent from your life at present? 
Is there anything you want to do about what you have learned?  Vow
to go to one party a month?  (Or to avoid parties from now on-they
turned out not to be a source of friends, after all.)   
lated risks, and any successes can be counted as extra credit
points.)   
Now you need a more advanced course on personas, or social roles. 
A good persona obviously involves good manners and predictable,
nonarousing behavior.  But it can be a bit more specialized,
according to your needs.  A banker wants to have a solid, practical
persona.  If there's an artist within, that is kept private. 
Artists, on the other hand, will do well to keep their banker
sensibilities hidden from public view.  Students are smart to
appear a little humble; teachers need to appear authontative.   
The idea of a persona goes against North American culture's
admiration of openness and authenticity.  Europeans have a far  Social Relationships   
103   better grasp of the value of not saying everything that one
is thinking.  Yet there are people who identify too much with their
persona.  We all know the type.  Having nothing else underneath,
it's hard to say they're being dishonest or unauthentic.  But it's
rare for an HSP to overidentify with a persona.   
If you still think I'm asking you to be insincere, think of it as
choosing the appropriate level of openness for that place and time. 
Take the example of when you've barely met someone who wants a
friendship with you and you have decided not to pursue it.  You
probably don't reject the other's lunch invitation by saying, `~I
have come to realize that I don't want to be a close friend of
yours." You say something about having a very busy schedule right
now.   
This response is honest at a certain level-if you had infinite time
you might actually pursue such a relationship at least a step
further.  To tell the other person what put them low on your list
of priorities is not, in my experience, morally correct.   The best
persona and good manners involve this sort of face- saving,
compassionate level of honesty, especially with those you don't
know particularly well.   
Learning More Social Skills   
There are two kinds of information about social skills, whether it
comes packaged as a book, tape, article, lecture, or course.   One
kind comes from the experts on extraversion, social skills, sales,
personnel management, and etiquette.  These folks are often witty
and upbeat.  They talk about learning, not curing, so they do not
lower your self-esteem by implying that you have a serious problem. 
If you turn to these pros, just understand that your goal is not to
be exactly like them but to learn a few tips.   Watch for titles
like Hou) to Win Over a Grnwd and What to Say in Every Possible
Awkward Moment.  (I made these up; new ones are constantly
appearing.)   
The other kind of information comes from psychologists trying to
help people with shyness.  Their style is finst to make you worried
so you'll be motivated, then to take you step by step through some
pretty sophisticated, well-researched methods of changing your
behaviors.  This approach can be very effective,  104   The Highly Sensitive Person   but also has some problems for
HSPs, although it may seem more suited to you.  Talk about
`~curing" your shyness or "conquering your syndrome" cannot help
but make you feel flawed, and it overlooks the positive side of
your inherited trait.   
Whatever advice you read or hear, remember that you do not have to
accept how the extraverted three-quarters of the population defines
social skills-working the room, always having a good comeback,
never allowing `~awkward" silences.  You have your own
skills-talking seriously, listening well, allowing silences in
which deeper thoughts can develop.   
It is also probably true that you already know much of what is
covered by these experts.  So I've taken the main points and put
them into a short test to show you what you do know and teach you
some of the rest.   
DO YOU KNOW THE LATEST ON OVERCOMING   
SOCIAL DISCOMFORT?   
Answer true or false; then check your answers on 113-I IS.   pages 
 I It helps to try to control negative "self-talk," such as "He
probably won't like me" or "I'll probably fail as I always do."  
T   
F   2.  When people feel shy, it is obvious to those around them. 
 TF   3.  You need to expect some rejections and not take it
personally.   
4.  It helps to have a plan for overcoming your social
discomfort-for example, trying to meet one new person a week.   
5.  When formulating your plan, the bigger the steps you take, the
faster you will achieve your goal.   
6.  it is best not to rehearse what you'll say with a new person or
in a new situation; it will make you sound stiff and unspontaneous. 
 T   
F   
TF   
TF   
TF  Social Relationships   7.  Be careful about body language; the less
it conveys, the better.   
8.  When trying to get a conversation started or to continue, ask
questions that are a little bit personal and that cannot be
answered with one or two words.   
9.  A way to show you are listening is to sit back with your arms
and legs crossed, keep your face still, and don't meet the other
person's eyes.   
10.  Never touch another person.   
II.  Don't read the newspaper before going out where you will meet
people-it will just upset you.   
12.  Self-disclosure is not important to conversation as long as
you are talking about something interesting.   
13.  Good listeners repeat back what they've heard, reflecting the
other's feelings, and then respond with their own feelings, not
ideas.   
14.  Don't tell other people interesting details about yourself; it
will only make them jealous.   
15.  To deepen a conversation or make it more interesting to both
of you, sometimes it works to share your own flaws or problems.   
16.  Try not to disagree with the other person.   
17.  `When a conversation is making you feel that you want to spend
more time with the other person, it's best to say so.   105   
TF   
T   
F   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   
TF   Based on Jonathan Cheek, Conquering Shyness (New York: Del I,
1989) and M.  McKay, M.  Dewis, and R Fanning, Messages: The
Communicodon Book (Oakland, Cal if.:  New Harbinger Press, 1983.) 
 d   
D  106   
The Highly Sensitive Person   Don't Feel Bad If You Know what to Do 
 
But Don `t Always Do ft   
Gretchen Hill, a psychologist at the University of Kansas,
questioned shy and nonshy people about what was the appropriate
behavior in twenty-five social situations.  She found that the shy
people knew equally well what was expected of them but said they
were not capable of doing it.  She hints that shy people lack
self-confidence-the usual inner flaw attributed to us.  So we are
told to be more confident.  Which we can't, of course.   So we've
failed again.  But maybe we're sometimes justified in our lack of
confidence, with so many experiences of being too aroused to behave
appropriately.  Naturally, some of us expect not to be able to do
what we know to be socially correct.  I think that simply telling
ourselves to be more confident rarely helps.  Stick to the twofold
approach of this chapter: Work on the overarousal, appreciate your
introverted style.   
Another reason for not being able to put into practice what you
know about social skills is that old patterns from childhood may be
taking over and need to be faced.  Or some feelings command your
attention.  One sure sign?  You keep saying things like "I don't
know why I did that-I knew better-that just wasn't like me." Or,
"After all my efforts, nothing is working."   
The Case of Pa ula   
Paula was definitely born highly sensitive.  Her parents had
commented on her "shyness" from birth.  She was always aware of
having a greater sensitivity to sound and confusion than her
friends.  In her thirties, when I interviewed her, she was
extremely capable in her profession, which involved organizing
major events from behind the scenes.  But she stood no chance of
advancing because of her terror of public speaking and of people in
general, which kept her from managing anything but the smallest
team of coworkers.  In fact, Paula had organized her life around
the few times when her job demanded that she convene staff
meetings.  For these she needed to exercise for hours and perform
various rituals in order to prepare herself emotionally.  Social Relationships   
107   Paula had read all the books on overcoming such fears and had
used her considenible willpower to fight the feelings.  But she
realized that her fear was unusual, so she tried some longer, more
intense therapy.  There she found some reasons for the fear and
staned working through it.   
As Paula was growing up, her father was a `~rage-aholic" (He is now
an alcoholic as well.)  He had alwa~s been a smart man analytic,
helpftil with his children's homework.  indeed, he was very
involved with all of them and actually a little less cruel to Paula
than he was to her brothens.  But some of that attention may have
been sexual, Paula was beginning to discover, and was certainly
confosing.  At any nite, his rage affected her the most.   
Paula's mother was very nervous about other people and their
opinions and was highly dependent on her iron-willed husband.  She
was also something of a martyr, building her life around her
children.  Yet she also disliked everything about raising them. 
Her explicit horror stories of childbirth and lack of fondness for
babies make it seem likely that Paula's first attachment was
anything but secure.  Later, her mother made Paula her confidante,
telling her far more than a child could handle, including a whole
catalog of reasons to dislike sex.  Indeed, both parents told her
all about their feelings for each other, including their sexual
intimacies.   
Given this background, Paula's `fear of public speaking" was more
akin to a basic distiitst of other people.  She was born sensitive
and therefore easily ovemroused, yes.  But she was also insecurely
attached as a child which makes it far harder for a child to face
threatening situations with confidence.  indeed, her mother felt
and taught a general irrational fear of (rather than confidence in)
people.  Finally, Paula's early attempts at speaking her own mind
had been met with rage from her father.   
Perhaps a final reason for her fear of speaking in public was that
she came to feel she knew tOO much-about her father's possibly
incestuous feelings for her and both of her parents' private lives. 
 
These are not easy issues t() resolve, but they can be brought into
one's consciousness and worked on with a competent therapist.  The
voices afraid to speik are finally freer.  Spe  108   The Highly Sensitive Person   cific training in social skills
might still be needed afterward, butat that point they should
really work.   
Basic Social Advice for HSPs   
Here are some suggestions about some situations that often cause
HSPs social discomfort.   
When you just have to chitchat.  Decide whether you would rather
talk or listen.  If you want to listen, most people will be glad to
talk.  Ask a few specific questions.  Or just ask, "So what do you
do when you aren't at parties?" (Or conferences, weddings,
concerts, etc.)   
If you want to talk (which puts you in control and keeps you from
being bored), plan ahead to plant the topic you enjoy and can go on
and on about.  Like, "Bad weather, i5n't it?  At least it makes it
easier to stay in and work on my writing project." Of course, the
other person will ask what you are writing.   Or, "Bad weather-I
couldn't train today." Or, "Bad weather- my snakes hate it.,'   
Rememhering names.  You may forget a person's name because you were
distracted and overaroused when you both first met.  If you hear a
name, try to make it a habit of using it in your next sentence. 
"Arnold, how nice to meet you." Then use it again within two
minutes.  Thinking back afterward about who you met might make it
stick even longer.  But trouble with names just goes with the
territory.   
Having to make a request.  The small ones, for example, for
information, ought to be easy.  But sometimes we put them on our
list of things to do and they just sit there, seeming big and
difficult.  If possible, make the requests the moment you realize
you need to.  Or make them in a bunch, when you are feeling in an
outgoing mood.  For slightly more important requests, make them
small again.  Think about how quickly it will be over and how
little trouble it will be for the person you ask.  For even more
important requests, make a list of what you want to cover.  Begin
with being sure you're talking to the right person for your
purpose.  Making an important request should be rehearsed with
someone, having the other person respond to you  Social Relationship's   
109   in every possible way.  This does not make it much easier. 
But you will feel more prepared.   
Selli~zg.  Frankly, it's not a usual HSP career.  But even if you
do not sell a commercial product, there are many times in life when
we want to sell an idea, ourselves for a job, or maybe our creative
work.  And what if you believe something could truly help a person
or the world at large?  In its gentlest form, yours probably
selling is simply sharing with others what you know about
something.  Once they understand what you think is its value, you
can let them make up their own mind.   
When money is to be exchanged, HSPs often feel guilty that they're
taking "so much" or anything at all.  (And if we feel flawed,
`~What am I really worth, anyway?") Usually we cannot and should
not give ourselves or our products away.  We need money to continue
to make available what we're offering.  People understand that,
just as you do when you purchase something.   
Making a complaint.  This can be difficult for an HSP even if it's
legitimate.  But it is worth practicing; the assertiveness is
empowering for those who often feel put down just for being who
they are (too young, too old, too fat, too dark-skinned, too
sensitive, etc.).   
You must be ready, however, for the other's response.  Anger is the
most afl)using emotion for good reasons; it is meant to mobilize us
to fight.  It is arousing whether it is yours, theirs, or even that
of someone you're just observing from a distance.   
Being in a snzall group.  Groups, classes, and committees can be a
complicated business for HSPs.  We often pick up on a great deal
that others do not notice.  But our desire not to add to our
arousal level may keep us quiet.  Eventually, though, someone will
ask what you think.  This is an awkward moment but an important one
for the group.  Habitually quiet HSPs often fail to allow for the
fact that the silent person gains more and more influence with
time.  Besides wanting to give you a chance to speak, the group may
unconsciously be worried.  Are you in the group or out?  Are you
sitting there judging them?  Are you- unhappy and about to leave? 
If you left, they would be left with these fears, which is why
quiet membens eventually get so much   IL   
al   
fl   
ly  110   
The Highly Sensitive Person   attention.  It may be out of
politeness, too, but the fear is always there as well.  If you do
not join in with just the right enthusiasm, you will receive
considerable attention.  Then others may well find that their best
defense is rejecting you before you reject them.  If you do not
believe me, try remaining silent in a new group just once and
you'll see it all unfold.   
Given this energy that always goes to the silent one, if you want
to be quieter than others, you need to reassure them that you're
not rejecting them or planning to leave the group.  Tell them you
feel part of the group just by listening.  Tell them your positive
feelings about the group, if you have any.  Tell them you'll speak
up when you're ready.  Or ask them to ask you again.   
You can also decide if you want to explain your sensitivity.   But
it means you'll have a label that will tend to become self-
fulfilling.   
Th~bhc speaking or perjorming.  This is a natural for HSPs- yes, it
is.  (I leave you to d~ink of all the reasons why it is harder for
us.)  First, we often feel we have something important to say that
others have missed.  When others are grateful for our contnbution,
we feel rewarded, and the next time is easier.   Second, we
prepare.  In some situations, as when we go back to check if we
turned off the toaster, we can seem "compulsive" to people not as
detern~ined as ourselves to prevent all unnecessary surprises (like
a burned house).  But anyone would be a fool not to "overprepare"
for the extra arousal due to an audience.  Having prepared best, we
succeed most.  (Those are two reasons why all the books on shyness
can cite so many politicians, pefformers, and comics who
`~conquered their shyness, so you can, too.")   
The key, again, is to prepare, prepare, prepare.  You probably are
not afraid to read out loud, SC) until you feel more comfortable,
prepare exactly what you want to say and read it.  If doing so is
a bit unusual for the situation, explain confidently some good
reasons for reading.  Then do it with authority.   
Reading well also requires preparation and practice.  Be sure you
use emphasis and can meet any time limits so that you can read
slowly.   
Later, you can graduate to notes.  In a large group I always  Social Relationships   
111   make notes before I raise my hand to speak or ask a question
just in case my mind goes blank when I'm called on.  (I do the same
in any situation that makes me overaroused, including doctors'
offices.)   
Above all, practice as much as possible in front of an audience,
replicating, as much as possible, the performance situation.  Use
the same room at the same time of day, wear the clothes you'll
wear, have the sound system set up, and so forth so that there will
be fewer new elements to the situation.  It is the greatest secret
to getting the arousal under control.  Once you do, you might just
enjoy yourself up there.   
I overcame my fear of public speaking by teaching-a good beginning
for an HSP.  You are giving, you are needed so your conscientious
side takes over.  The audience is not expecting entertainment, so
anything you can do to make the occasion enjoyable will be
gn~teftilly received.  And you will find you have real insights
once you become bold enough to express them.   
Students can sometimes be callous, though.  I was lucky to begin at
a college where quiet politeness and open expressions of gratitude
were the norm.  If you can establish the same norms, it will help
all of you in your classn-~om.  Some of your students are also
afraid to speak up.  You can all learn together.   
What if others are watching you?  Are they really?  Maybe you have
created an inner audience that you lear.  You can carry such an
audience around and `~project" it (see it where it is not,   
or at least is not to the degree you imagine).   
If others really are watching, can you ask them not to watch?  Can
you refuse to be watched?  Or can yc)u take any pleasure in their
watching?   
Here is the story of my only belly-dancing lesson.  Learning any
physical skill in a group is almost impossible for me because the
overarousal from being watched wrecks my coordination.  I soon fall
behind the others and pefform even worse.   
This time, however, I played a new role.  I was the lovable and
endearing (that part was important) absentminded woman professor
whose head is always in the clouds and has entirely forgotten where
she left her body.  She has been set down in this hilarious
situation to try to learn to belly dance, and everyone enjoys the
lesson more by watching her struggles.   IL   
to   
.`aI kfl as   
of to   
In  112   
The Highly Sensitive Person   The result was that I knew they were
watching me, but it was all n'ght.  They laughed, but I heard it as
loving.  Any progress I made was given inordinate praise and
recognition.   For me, it worked.   
Next time you feel watched, try meeting the stares and labeling
yourself for them with something you can enjoy.  "We poets are
never very good with adding" or "There's something about being a
natural-born mechanic that makes it hard to draw pictures that
don't look like the inside of a broken engine."   
Sometimes a situation is awkward by anyone's standards.  So you
turn red and survive it.  It is part of being human.  It does not
happen that often.  Once I was standing in a line at a formal
event, and my three-year-old son accidentally pulled my skirt off. 
Do you have one to top that?  Sharing stories afterward is about
all we can do.   
Working With What You Have Learned -   
Reframing Your Shy Moments   
Think of three occasions when you felt social discomfort.  If
possible, choose three rather different situations and ones that
you recall in some detail.  Reframe them, one at a time, in terms
of the two main points of this chapter: (1) Shyness is not your
trait-it is a state anyone can feel.  (2) The introverted social
style is every bit as valuable as the extraverted one.   
1.  Think ahout your response to the event and ho~r you have always
vieu'ed it.  Maybe you felt "shy" at a recent party.  It was a
Friday night after a hard day at work.  Dragged along by people at
your office, you were hoping to meet someone who woulcl become a
real friend.  But the others went off, and you ended up in a
corner, feeling conspicuous because you were not talking to anyone. 
So you left early and spent the rest of the night assessing your
whole personality, your entire life, and feeling rotten.  Social Relationships   
113   2.  Consider your response in the light oi what you now know
about hou' your nen~ow~ system automatically operaks.  Or imagine
me explaining it to you: ~Hey, give yourself a break!  The crowded,
noisy room after a busy day, being left alone by your friends, your
past experiences with these sorts of parties-it was an avalanche
waiting for a cuckoo clock.  You like to be introverted.  Sure, go
to parties, but they should be small ones where you know people. 
Otherwise, pick out someone who appears as sensitive and deeply
interesting as yourself and take off together as soon as possible. 
That's the HSP way to party.  You are not shy or unlovable.  You
will definitely meet interesting people and have close
relationships~you just have to pick and choose your situations.   
3.  Is there anyU'i'zg you u'a;it to do ahout this now?  Pefl~aps
there is a friend you could call and arrange to spend some time
with, your way.   
Answers to   
Do You Know the Latest on Overcoming   
Social LSiscomfort?   
If you were nght on a dozen or more, sorry to have bored you.   You
should write your own book.  Otherwise, these answers provide much
of what you need to know!   
1.  T)~ie.  `Negative self-talk" keeps you aroused and makes it
hard to listen to the ~~ther penson.   
2.  False.  You, an HSP, may notice shyness in othens, but most
people don't.   
3.  Tnie.  People can reject you for all sorts of reasons having
nothing to d() with you.  If it upsets you, feel that for a moment. 
Then try to let it go.   
4.  Tnje.  Decide to take s~~ many specific, gradual steps per day
or week no matter how nervous the first steps make you.   
5.  False.  Big steps would be best if you could take those steps. 
But since you're a little afraid, and also afraid you will fail,
you must promise the fearfol part of younself that you'll not go
too fast, even as you're firm that the fear is going to be over-
come eventually.   K)   
anas ed to   
to  114   
The Highly Sensitive Person   6.  False.  The more you reheanse,
the less nervous you'll be-which means you'll be more, not less,
relaxed and spontaneous.   
7.  False.  Body language is always conveying something.  A stiff,
still body can be interpreted many ways, but most of them won't be
positive.  Better to let your body move and show some interest,
caring, enthusiasm or sheer liveliness.   
8.  Tr'~e.  It's okay to Pry a little.  Most people love to talk
about themselves and will like your interest and slight boldness. 
 
9.  False.  Stand or sit as close as is appropriate and
cornfortable, lean forward, uncross your arms and legs, and make
frequent eye contact.  If eye contact is too arousing, it's okay to
look at the other person's nose or ear-people cannot tell the
difference.  Smile and use other facial expressions (being carelul,
of course, not to convey more interest than you want to).   
10.  False.  Depending on the situation, of course, a brief touch
on the shoulder, arm, or hand, especially at parting, just conveys
warmth.   
11.  False.  In general, a glance at the paper will give you some
ideas for conversations and connect you up with the world.  Just
avoid the depressing stories.   
12.  False.  Self-disclosure is important if your goal is to feel
some connection and not just pass the time.  This doesn't mean you
have to reveal deep secrets.  Too much self-disclosure too soon
will create overarousal, besides seeming inappropriate.  Be sure to
ask for the other's opinion, too, of course.   
13.  True.  For example, someone says they are excited about a new
project.  You can say, `Wow, I hear how excited you are.   That
must feel great." By taking the time to reflect that feeling before
asking about the specifics of the project, you display one of your
greatest assets, your sensitivity to feelings.  You also encourage
the other person to reveal more of his or her inner life, which you
would probably prefer to talk about, anyway.   
14.  False.  You don't want to gloat, of course.  But everyone
wants to be talking with someone worthwhile.  Take the time to
write out some of the best or most interesting things about
younself and think of how you might slip them into conversations. 
Not `I moved here because I like the mountains" but "I moved here
because I am starting a mountain-climbing school"  Social Relationships   
115   or "I especially like mountain backdrops for my photographs
of rare birds of prey.   
15.  True-with some cautions.  When first meeting someone, you
don't want to reveal too many needs or flaws.  You don't want to
seem self-effacing in a submissive way or unaware of appropriate
behavior.  But there is also something nice in admitting to your
human nature if you can convey that you still feel good about
yourself.  (My favorite line from Captain Picard of Star Thek: The
Next Generation is, ~l have made some fine mistakes in my life." It
is so humble, wise, and self-confident, all at once.)  Certainly if
the other person has revealed some- thing painft~l or embarrassing,
it will deepen the conversation considerably if you do the same.  

16.  False.  Most people enjoy a little conflict.  Moreover maybe
the point of the conflict is important to you or reveals something
you should know about the other person.   
17.  Tri~e.  Of course, take your time to be sure of what you feel
and be ready for an occasional rejection.   e   
0   
y   
Is   
to   
m   
m  6   
Thriving at Work   
Follow Your Bliss and Let Your   
Light Shine Through   
Of all the topics I cover in my seminars, vocations, making a
living, and getting along at work are the most urgent concerns of
many HSPs, which makes sense in some ways, since we don't thrive on
long hours, stress, and overstimulating work environments.  But
much of our difficulty at work, I believe, is our not appreciating
our role, style, and potential contribution.   This chapter
therefore deals first with your place in society and your
vocation's place in your inner life.  Impmcti&'~l as these may
sound, they actually have great practical significance.   Once you
understand your true vocation, your own intuition will begin to
solve your specific vocational problems.  (No book can do that as
well for you because none can address your unique situation.)   
"Vocation "is Not "Vacation " Misspelled   
A vocation, or calling, originally referred to being called to the
religious life.  Otherwise, in Western culture one did as is done
in most cultures: what one's parents did.  In the Middle Ages one 
 116  Thnving at Work   117   was a noble, serf, artisan, and so forth. 
Because in Christian Indo-European countries the `~priestly royal
advisor" class that I spoke of in chapter 1 was officially
celibate, no one was born into that class.  It was the only job to
which one had to be called.   
With the Renaissance and the rise of the middle class in the
cities, people were freer to choose their work.  But it is a very
recent idea that there is one right job for each person.  (It came
at about the time of another idea, that there is one right person
for each of us to marry.)  At the same time, the number of possible
vocations has increased greatly, as has the importance and
difficulty of matching the right person to the right job.   
The Vocation ofAll HSPs   
As I said in chapter 1, the more aggressive cultures in the world,
all Western societies included, stem from an original social
organization that divided people into two classes, the impulsive
and tough warriors and kings on the one hand and the more
thoughtftjl, learned priests, judges, and royal advisors on the
other.  I also said that the balance of these two classes is
important to the survival of such cultures and that most HSPs
naturally gravitate to the royal advisor class.   
Speaking now of vocation, I don't mean that all HSPs become
scholars, theologians, psychotherapists, consultants, or judges,
although these are classic royal-advisor-class careers.   Whatever
our career, we are likely to pursue it less like a warrior, more
like a priest or royal counselor~thoughtfully, in all senses. 
Without HSPs in positions at the top in a society or organization,
the warrior types tend to make impulsive decisions that lack
intuition, use power and force abusively, and fail to take into
account history and friture trends.  That's no insult to them; it
is just their nature.  (This was the whole point of Merlin's role
in the King Arthur legends; similar figures are in most
Indo-European epics.)   
One practical implication of belonging to the advisory class is
that an HSP can hardly ever have enough education and experience. 
(I add experience because sometimes HSPs pursue education at the
cost of experience.)  The greater the variety of our   Dr.   
ise ves to an as ted to   
to   
In-   
In  118   
The High4 Sensitive Person   expenences within the range qf what is
reasonahiefor us (hang gliding is not required), the wiser our
counsel.   
The education of HSPs is also important in order to validate our
quieter, subtler style.  I believe we need to stay well represented
in our traditional professions-teaching, medicine, law, the arts,
science, counseling, religion-which are increasingly becoming the
domain of non-HSPs.  That means that these social needs are being
met in the warrior style, with expansion and profit the only
concern.   
Our "priestly" influence has declined partly due to our having lost
self-respect.  At the same time, the professions themselves are
losing respect without our quieter, more dignified contribution.  

None of which is meant to imply some terrible plot by the less
sensitive.  As the world becomes more difficult and stimulating, it
is natural for the non-HSPs to thrive, at least at first.   But
they will not thrive long without us.   
Vocation, Individuation, and the HSP   
Now, what about your particular vocation?  Following the thinking
of Carl Jung, I see each life as an individuation process one of
discovering the particular question you were put on earth to
answer.  This question may have been left unfinished by an
ancestor, although you must pn~ceed with it in the manner of your
own generation.  But the question is not easy, or it would not take
a lifetime.  What matters is that working through it deeply
satisfies the soul.   
This individuation process is what the scholar of mythology Joseph
Campbell referred to when he would exhort students struggling with
their vocation to `~follow your bliss." He always made it clear
that he didn't mean doing whatever is easy or fun at the moment; he
meant engaging in work that feels right, that calls you.  To have
such work (and if we are very fortunate, to be paid for it, too) is
one of life's greatest blessings.   
The individuation process requires enormous sensitivity and
intuition in order to know when you are working on the right
question in the right way.  As an HSP, you are built for this as a
racing yacht is designed to catch the wind.  That is, the HSP's  Thriving at Work   
119   
)r.   
0-   vocation in the larger sense is being careful to pursue well
his or her vocation in the personal sense.   
Jobs and Vocation   
But then there is the problem of who will pay HSPs for pursuing our
bliss.  I usually agree with what Jung always insisted: It is a big
mistake to financially support our type.  If an HSP is not forced
to be practical, be will lose all touch with the rest of the world. 
She will become an empty windbag no one listens to.   But how can
one make money and still follow a calling?   
One way is to seek the point where the path directed by our
greatest bliss crosses that directed by the world's greatest
need-that is, what it is willing to pay for.  At this intersection
you will earn money for doing what you love.   
Actually, the relation of a penson's vocation to his or her paying
job can be quite varied and will change over a lifetime.  
Sometimes your job is just the way to make money; the vocation is
pursued in your spare time.  A fine example is Einstein's
developing the theory of relativity while he was a clerk in a
patent office, happy to have mindless work so he could be free to
thit~k about what mattered to him.  At other times, we can find or
create a job that fulfills our vocation, and the pay will be at
least adequate.  There may be many possible jobs that do that, or
the job that will serve the purpose will change as experience grows
and the vocation deepens.   Se   
`es to   
ly .al   
an as ed   
to   
to   Vocation and the Liberated HSP   
Individuation is, above all about being able to hear your inner
voice ()~ voices through all the inner and outer noise.  Some of us
get caught up in demands from others.  These may be real
responsibilities or may be the common ideas of what makes for
success-money, prestige, security.  Then there are the pressures
others can bring to bear on us because we are so unwilling to
displease anyone.   
Eventually, many, if not most HSPs are probably ft~rced into what
I call ~liberation," even if it doesn't happen until the second
half of life.  They tune in to the inner question and the   `id  120   
The High4 Sensitii'e Person   REFRAMING THE CRITICAL POINTS   
IN YOUR VOCATIONAL AND WORK HISTORY   
Now might be a good time for you to pause and do some reframing, as
you did in previous chapters.  Make a list of your major vocational
steps or job changes.  Write down how you've always understood
those events.  Perhaps your parents wanted you to be a doctor but
you knew it was not for you.  Having no better explanation, maybe
you accepted the idea that you were too soft" or "lacked
motivation." Now write down what you understand in light of your
trait.  In this case, that most HSPs are utterly unsuited for the
inhuman grind required, unfortunately, by most medical schools.   
Does your new understanding suggest something you need to do?  In
the example, this new understanding of medical school might need to
be discussed with one's parents if they still insist on their
negative views.  Or it might mean finding a medical school that is
more humane or studying a related subject, such as physiology or
acupuncture, that allows for a different style of professional
education.   
inner voices rather than the questions others are asking them to
answer.   
Being so eager to please, we're not easy to liberate.  We're too
aware of what othens need.  ~Qt our intuition also picks up on the
inner question that must be answered.  These two strong,
conflicting currents may buffet us for years.  Don't worry if your
progress toward liberation is slow, for it's almost inevitable.   
I don't, however, want to develop some idealized image of a certain
kind of HSP you must become.  That is precisely not liben~tion.  It
is finding who you are, not what you think someone else wants you
to becoi~e.   
Knou)ing Your Own Vocation   
Some of you may be struggling with discovering your vocation and
feeling a little frustrated that your intuition is not helping  Thriving at Work   
121   you more.  Alas, intuition can also stand in your way because
it makes you aware of too many inner voices speaking for too many
different possibilities.  Yes, it would be desirable just to serve
others, thinking little of my material gain.  But that rules out a
lifestyle with time to pursue the finer things in life.  And both
exclude the actualizing of my artistic gifts.  And I have always
admired the quiet life, centered in family.  Or should it be
centered in the spiritual?  But that is so up in the air when I
admire a life close to the earth.  Perhaps I would be happiest
working for ecological causes.  But then, the needs of humans are
so great.   
All the voices are strong.  Which one is right?  If you're flooded
with such voices, you will probably have trouble with decisions of
all sorts; very intuitive people usually do.  But you'll need to
develop your decision-making skills for whatever vocation you
choose.  So start now paring down the choices to two or three. 
Maybe make a rational list of the pros and cons.  Or pretend you
have made up your mind definitely one way and live with that for a
day or two.   
Another problem ft~r HSPs who are very intuitive and/or introverted
is that ~~ may not be well informed about the facts.   We let our
hunches guide us.  We don't like to ask.  But gathering concrete
inf:~rmati()n from real people is part of the inclividuation
process for introverted or intuitive people especially.   
if you feel you `just cannot," you are revealing the third obstacle
to knowing your vocation: low self-confidence.  Deep inside you
probably know what you really want to do.  Of course you may have
selected something you cannot possibly succeed at in order to avoid
moving along ancl doing il~e possible.  But maybe you're still
confused about what you can and cannot do.   
As an HSP you may have great difficulty with certain tasks which,
by your culture's standards, are crucial to success in most
vocations-perhaps public speaking or performance, perhaps
tolerating noise, meetings, networking, office politics, travel. 
But now you know the specific cause of your difficulty with these
and can explore ways around the overarousal they create.  So
there's really very little that you can't do if you find a way to
do it in your own style.   
Low self-confidence is very understandable in HSPs how-   d   
:0   
an  122   
The Highly Sensitive Person   ever.  Many of you have felt flawed. 
You may have tried so hard to please others that you've been little
more than a bridge on other peoples' paths and have been treated
just like that, like something undeffoot.  However, how will you
feel going to your grave without having tried?   
You say you're afraid of failing.  Which inner voice says that?  
A wise one that protects you?  Or a critical one that paralyzes
you?  For the sake of getting going, assume the voice is right and
you'll fail.  Forget about the people who tried and succeeded, the
theme of so many movies.  I know people who have tried and failed. 
Many of them.  They may be out megabucks and megatime, but they're
still happier for having tried.  Now they're moving on to other
goals, wiser for what they learned about themselves and the world. 
And really, since no effort amounts to a total failure, they're
much more confident about themselves than when they were sitting on
the sidelines.   
Finally, in finding your vocation, do use the excellent books and
services on vocational choice.  Just keep your sensitivity always
in your awareness as an important factor which most vocational
counselons don't address.   
What Other HSPs Are Doing   
Perhaps it would help to hear about the kinds of careers other HSPs
have chosen.  Of course, we bring our own flair to every- thing. 
In my telephone survey, I ft~und, for example, that not many HSPs
were salespersons, but one was~f fine wines.  An- other sold real
estate, saying that she used her intuition to match people with
homes.   
One can imagine other HSPs shaping other jobs-almost any job~into
something quiet, thoughtfi~l, and conscientious, as when HSPs said
they were teachens, hair stylists, mortgage brokers, pilots, flight
attendants, professons actors, early childhood educators,
secretaries, doctors, nurses, insurance agents, professional
athletes, cooks and consultants.   
Other jobs seemed obviously suited to HSPs: cabinetmaker, pet
groomer, psychotherapist, minister, heavy-equipment operator (noisy
but no people), farmer, writer, artist (lots of these), X-ray
technician, meteorologist, tree trimmer, scientist, medical  Thriving at Work   
123   
r.   transcriber, editor, scholar in the humanities, accountant,
and electrician.   
While some research has ft~und that so-called shy people make less
money, I certainly found plenty of HSPs in positions that sounded
well paid-administrators, managers, bankers.   Maybe other studies
found that their so-called shy respondents were poorly paid because
of a quirk in their data similar to mine: Twice as many HSPs as
non-HSl's in my study called themselves homemaker, housewife, or
ft~ll-time parent.  (Not all were women.)  If you counted them as
not earning money, this would certainly lower their income average
as a group.  But, of course, these people add income to their
fiimily by perfr~rming services which, if paid fi~r, would he
expensive.   
HSP ~homemakens" find a go~~d niche fi~r themselves provided they
can ignore the culture~s undervaluing of their work.   In fact, the
culture benefits greatly.  Research on parenting, for example,
continually finds the elusive quality of `sensitivity" to be the
key in raising children well.   "5   
0   
y   
il   
n Is <I   
0   
If   Thming Vocation litto a Job That Pays   
There are good books written just on the topic of turning what you
love into what pays you a salary, so as usual I will focus on the
aspects especially relevant to us.  To make a paying job out of
your true vocation ~~ften requires creating an entirely new service
or profession, and that may mean starting your own business or
creating a new job where you already work.  That can seem daunting
unless you remember to do it in the style of an HSP.   
First, throw out the image of everyone getting their work done
through netw~~rking, knowing the right people, and the like.  Some
networking is always needed but there are ways that are effective
enough and far more pleasant ft~r an HSP lettens, e-mail, staying
in touch with one penson who stays in touch with many, taking out
to lunch and `~debriefing" your extraverted colleague who goes to
every conference.   
Second, you need to trust some of your advantages.  With your
intuition, you can study trends and perceh'e needs or markets
before others.  If you are excited about something, there is  124   
The High 4' Sensitive Person   a good chance others are, or could
be, once they heard your reasons.  If your interest is not too
unusual, it should fit into existing jobs.  If it is very unusual,
you are probably the leading expert, and someone somewhere will
need you soon, especially once you share your vision.   
Years ago an HSP with a passion for film and video took a job as a
librarian and convinced her university that they should have a
state-of-the-art film and video department.  She saw that these
media would be the cutting edge in education, especially continuing
education of the public.  Everyone sees that now, and her film and
video library is the finest in the country.   
Self-employment ~or being granted hill autonomy within a larger
organization) is a logical route for HSPs.  You control the hours,
the stimulation, the kinds of people you will deal with, and there
are no hassles with supervisors or coworkers.  M~d, unlike many
small or finst-time entrepreneuns, you will probably be
conscientious about research and planning before you take any
risks.   
You will have to watch, however, ft~r certain tendencies.  If you
are a typical HSP, you can be a worry-prone perfectionist.   You
may be the most hard-driving manager you have ever worked fr~r. 
You also may have to overcome a certain lack of focus.  If your
creativity and intuition give you a million ideas, at some point,
early, you will have to let most of them go, and you will have to
make all kinds of difficult decisions.   
If you are an introvert also, you will have to make an extra effort
to stay in touch with your public or market.  You can always bring
in an extravert as a partner or assistant.  Indeed, having partners
or hiring others to absorb all sorts of excess stimulation is a
good idea.  But with them as a buffer between you and the world,
your intuition will not receive direct input unless you plan for
some real contact with those you serve.   Art as Vocation   Almost
all HSPs have an artistic side they enjoy expressing.  Or they
deeply appreciate some form of art.  But some of you will pursue
the arts as your vocation or even your livelihood.  Almost  Thriving at Work   
125   all studies of the personalities of prominent artists insist
that sensitivity is central.  Unfortunately, that sensitivity is
also linked with mental illness.   
The difficulty, I believe, is that normally we artists work alone,
refining our craft and our subtle creative vision.  But withdrawal
of any kind increases sensitivity that is part of why one
withdraws.  So we are extrasensitive when the time comes to show
our work, perform it, explain it, sell it, read reviews of it, and
accept rejection or acclaim.  Then there's the sense of loss and
conh~sion when a major work is done or a performance is over.  The
stream of ideas surging up from the unconscious no longer has an
outlet.  Artists are more skilled at encouraging and expressing
that force than understanding its sources or its impact if acted
upon.   
It is not surprising that artists turn to drugs, alcohol, and
medications to control their arousal or to recontact their inner
self.  But the long-term effect is a body further off balance.  
Moreover, it is part of the myth or archetype of the artist that
any psychological help will destroy creativity by making the artist
too normal.   
But a highly sensitive artist in particular had better think deeply
about the mythology surrounding the artist.  The troubled, intense
artist is one of the most romantic figures in our culture, now that
saints, outlaws, and explorers are on the wane.  I recall a
creative-writing teacher once listing nearly every fanious author
on the blackboard and asking us what they had in common.  The
answer was attempted suicide.  I'm not sure the class saw it as a
tragedy so much as a romantic aspect of their chosen career.  But
as a psychologist as well as an artist, I saw a deadly serious
situation.  How often the value of artists' works has increased
once they were declared insane or had committed suicide.  While the
life of the artistic hero- adventurer especially calls to the young
HSP, it can also be a trap quite unconsciously laid by those with
mundane lives who allow no time for the artist within and want
someone else to be the artist for them, displaying all the
craziness they repress in themselves.  Much of the suffering of
sensitive artists could be prevented by understanding the impact of
this alternating of   r.   
"S   
0   
y   
LI.   
n   
Is   
d   
0   
[y   
m   
m   
K'  126   
ulatic~n ()f piil~lic CX~()5~FC `vhicl~ 1 l~~~~e ~ies'criI~ed.  But
I n~ n()t sure tl~~t tl~js ~indenst~udin~ ~~~ill l~e ~~i~Iely
~ppliecl until the mytl~ )f the unst~il~Ie Irtist ~f~d ti~c uced f(
)i.  it hj~~e ~ls() been undenst~~~~d.   
Se'ri''ice to ()t1'ers as a Vocation   
I-ISI~s tend t() l~e en~~m~~~usly ~~v~re ~)f the suffering ()f
others Often their intuiti( )n gi~~es thei~~ `i ele~rer picture ()f
~vl~~t needs to be d~~ne.  l~l~~is, m~n~ I J.~I~s el~()()se
N()e~tti()n5 ()f ser'iee ~nd m~ny ~burn out.'   
1~~it t() be beIpf~il t( ) ~~tbers ~~( )~I cI( ) O( )t l~~t~~e t()
~~~~~rk It   
j()I~ th~t bums `\~()~I ()ut.  ~I~ti~', I I.~I~s lusist )n ~~~(
~rking ()n tI~e fr~~nt lines, 5() t() spe~k.  reeei~~ing tI~e
n~()st stim~il~iti~~n.  They w~~uld feel guilt~ sti~'ing l~ehind,
sendii~g ( )ti~Cfl5 ( )~it t( ) d() wh~t t() tben~ seen~s s()
()ner()~Is.  l~~it l~~ n~ ~~ I think \~( )u e~tn see thit some
people ire, in fliet, perfeetI~ s~iite~I t() tI~e fr~~nt lines ~nU
love it tl~ere.  .~c) ~`.by fl()t let thei~~ s~itisf~' tI~eir
~i�~es?  I~e()ple ~re als~~ needed bebind tl~e fr~~nt lines,
Qle~el()ping strJteg\ fion~   
lo~~k~~ut `Il~()'.e tbe l~~ttlefield.   
T() p~it it in~~tber ".~t\~.  5( )n0e ~C( )l~Ie like t() C( )( )k. 
ind soii~e like t() ~~~jsb dishes.  r~~r ~~ejrs I C( )~ild n()t let
others t~ke (A~ the cl~~~re ~)f cle~ning up `ifter I l~d~l
enj()~~ed C( ~~~king.  ()flC (~f n~y fa'.~~rite pastimes.  ~`l~en
I fln~ill~,~.  tml~~.  l~e~r~l someone ".ben he insisted be
)c~1II)' liked t() ele~in ~ip ind detested e~~c~king.   
One summer I t~~ured C~'ireenpe~iee's 1~~(Ii)2h()u' \V(I)~io?' nd
listened t() 5()I~~C ~~f the erew~s ~d~entures, s~ieh is their
b~~'ing been dr~~pped in frc~nt I )f tl0e l~i )".  ( )f l~~ige
~~~h~ling-f~eti )ry ships ()~ h~'.ing been 10 the sights ()f
t~~rped~~es ~ncl m~iehine guns h~r d~~s dt tii~~e.  F~~r ~ll i0~N'
love I )f ~~~h~iles.  I ~~~i~uld l~C n~I)re tmnI~le tl~~n help in
thiose sorts I)f eire~in~st.inees.  I3nt kne~ I e~~nld suppl)rt
tl~e eff )rt in I~ther ~~~i~~s.   
In shI)rt, yI)~i III) nI)t hj~~e t( ) tjke tl~e jI)l~ th~it will
ere~te cxcessive stress dod i~verjrI~us~l.  .sI~me~~ne else ~~ill
tdke it ~nd f~ourisli in it.  ~7I)u dl) 0()t hd~~e ti) wc~rk long
h~~urs.  Indeed, it ma', he `,~)ur dut',' t() wI~rk sh~~rter ones. 
It n~ay be best not tI) advertise it.  l~ut keeping yi~unself
health',' antI in your oght ninge ()f ar~~usal is the first
e~~nditi~~n fi~r I~elping ()thens.  Thriving at Work   
127   
r.   A Lesson From Greg   
Greg was a highly sensitive schoolteacher who was much loved and
respected by his students and colleagues.  Yet he came to me to
discuss why he was quitting the only profession he had ever wanted,
expecting me to verify that teaching was no profession for HSPs. 
I agreed it was a tough one.  But I also think good, sensitive
teachers are essential to every sort of happiness and progress, for
individuals and society.  I could not bear to see such a gem leave
the field.   
Thinking about it with me, he agreed that teaching was a very
logical vocation for a sensitive, caring person.  Teaching jobs
ought to be designed for them, but in fact the pressures are making
it hard for HSPs to stay in teaching.  His task, he realized, was
to change the job description.  Indeed, it was his ethical duty. 
He would do far more good by rehising to overwork himself than by
quitting.   
Beginning the very next day, Greg never worked after four in the
afternoon.  It required applying much of his creativity just to
find the right shortcuts.  Many were not ideal and truly distressed
his conscientious soul.  He felt he had to hide his new work habits
from his colleagues and principal, although in time they caught on. 
(The principal approved, seeing that Greg was doing the essential
tasks well and feeling happier.)  Some of his colleagues copied
him; some envied and resented him but could not change their ways. 
Ten years later, Greg is still a highly successful teacher, and a
happy, healthy one.   
It is true that even when exhausted you still are providing
something to those you serve.  But you are out of touch with your
deepest strengths, role-modeling self-destructive behavior,
martyring yourself, and giving others cause for guilt.  And in the
end you will want to quit, like Greg, or be forced to by your body. 
 
HSPs and Social Responsibility   
None of the above is meant to take more HSPs out of the battle for
social justice and environmental sanity.  On the contrary, we need
to be out there, but in our way.  Perhaps some of what   "S   
il   
0   
y if   
ie   
tn   
K'  128   
The Highly Sensitive Person   goes wrong in government and politics
is not so much a product of the Left or Right but the lack of
enough HSPs making everyone pause to check the consequences.  We
have abdicated, leaving things to the more impulsive, aggressive
sorts, who do happen to thrive on running for political office and
then on ninning everything else.   
The Romans had a great general named Cincinnatus.  The legend is
that he had wanted to live quietly on his farm but was persuaded
twice to return to public life to save his people from military
disasters.  The world needs to coax more such folks into public
positions.  But if they don't coax us, we had better volunteer now
and then.   
HSPs in the World of Business   
The business world is undoubtedly undervaluing its HSPs.  People
who are gifted and intuitive yet conscientious and determined not
to make mistakes ought to be treasured employees.   But we are less
likely to fit into the business world when the metaphors for
achievement are warfare, pioneering, and expansion.   
Business can also be seen as a work of art requiring an artist, a
task of prophecy requiring a visionary, a social responsibility
requiring a judge, a job of growing requiring skills like those of
a farmer or parent, a challenge of educating the public requiring
skills like those of a teacher, and the like.   
Companies do vary.  Be alert to corporate culture when you take a
position or have the chance to influence the corporate culture you
are in.  Listen to what is said but also use your intuition.  Who
is admired, rewarded, and promoted?  Those who foster toughness,
competitiveness, and insensitivity?  Creativity and vision? 
Harmony and morale?  Service to the customer?  Quality control? 
HSPs should feel at home in varying degrees in all but the first. 
 
The Gifted HSP in the Workplace   
In my opinion, all HSPs are gifted because of their trait itself. 
 But some are unusually so.  Indeed, one reason for the idea of  
j  Thriving at Work    129  Ir.   `~liberated" HSPs was the seemingly
()dd mixture of traits emerging from study after smdy of gifted
ad~lts: impulsivity, curiosity, the strong need for independence,
a high energy level, along with introversion, intuitiveness,
emotional sensitivity, and nonconformity.   
Giftedness in the workplace, however, is tricky to handle.   First,
your onginality can become a particular problem when you must offer
your ideas in a group situation.  Many organizations stress group
problem solving just because it brings out the ideas in people like
you, which are then tempered by others.   The difficulty arises
when everyone proposes ideas and yours seem so obviously better to
you.  Yet the othens just do not seem to get it.  When you go along
with the group, you feel untrue to yourself ancl are unable to
commit to the group's results.   When you do not, you feel
alienated and misundenstood.  A good manager or supervisor knows
these dynamics and will protect a gifted employee.  Otherwise Y)u
may want to offer your giftedness elsewhere.   
Second, you can be intensely excited about your work and ideas.  In
your excitement you may seem to others to take big risks.  To you
the risks are not great because the outcome is clear.  But you're
not infallible, and othens may take particular pleasure in your
failures, even if they're rare.  Furthermow, those not
understanding this intensity will say you work all the time and
probably resent it-you make them look bad.  But for you, work is
play.  Not to work would be work.  If this is you, you may have to
keep your long hours a secret, known only to your supervisor.   
Or better, skip the long houns.  Try treating even the most
positive excitement as a state of overarousal and strive to halance
work with recreation.  Your work will benefit.   
Another result of your intensity is that your restless mind may
drive you onward to other projects before you have completed the
details of the last, and others may harvest what you planted. 
Unless you plan around this, which is not usually your style, the
result will have to be accepted.   
A third aspect of giftedness, emotional sensitivity, can draw you
into others' complicated private lives.  In the workplace
especially this is not a good idea.  You want to have some pro-  
ly   
al   
In   
:0   
ly   
to   
In  130   
The Highly Se'nsifl'~'e Person   fessional boundaries.  Especially
at work, you need to spend more time with the less sensitive, who
can be a great balance to you, and you to them.  Develop outside of
work the more intense sorts of relationships that offer you the
emotional depth   
you seek.   
Also outside of work should be the relationships that offer the
safe harbor from the emotional storms created by your sensitivity. 
Don't look for that among your colleagues, and especially not from
your supervisors.  You're just too much for them to handle, and
they may decide there's `~something wrong with you."   
A fourth trait of the gifted, intuition, can seem almost magical to
others.  They don't see what you see-this contrast between the
surface and `what's really going on." So as with your unusual
ideas, you must decide whether to be honest or go along with things
as others see them and feel secretly a bit alienated.   
Finally, your giftedness may give you a certain charisma.   Others
may hope you will guide them rather than their having to guide
themselves.  It is a flattering temptation, but you can only end up
seeming to have stolen their freedom, which in a sense you would
have.   
From your side, you may find that others seem to have little to
offer in return.  Initial sharing may be followed by a sense of
disappointment.  But giving up on others leads to more alienation,
whereas in fact you need others.   
One solution to all of this is not to insist that your gifts all be
expressed at work.  Express yourself through private projects and
art, schemes for hiture or parallel self-employment, and through
life itself.   
In other words, expand your use of your giftedness beyond producing
the most noticed ideas at work.  Use it to attain greater
self-insight and to gain wisdom about human beings in groups and
organizations.  When that is your goal, sitting back and observing
are okay.  So is participating as an ordinary person sometimes, not
a gifted one, and seeing how that feels.   
Finally, stay in good c6ntact with many kinds of other people, at
work and elsewhere, accepting that no one person can relate to all
of you.  Indeed, accepting the loneliness that goes  Thriving at Work   
131   
r.   with giftedness may be the most freeing, empowering step of
all.  But also accept its oppoSite, that there's no need to feel
isolated, for everyone is gifted in some way.  And then there's the
opposite truth: No one, including y9unself, is special in the sense
of being exempted from the universals of aging and death.   
Seeing That Your Trait Is Properly Valued   0   
LI n IS   
d.   
0   I hope by now that you can imagine the many ways in which being
an HSP can be an asset in your work, whether you are self-employed
or working for another.  But I've found that it takes considerable
work before HSPs can undo past negative ideas about their trait and
truly value it.  You cannot possibly convince anyone else of its
value if you're not convinced yourself.  So please do the
following, without fail.   
List every asset that might possibly belong to an HSP.  Follow the
rules of brainstorming and accept all ideas without criticism. 
Don't worry if non-HSPs have some of the same assets.   It's enough
if we have them more or also.  And use every strategy: logical
deduction from the basic trait; thinking about your growing image
of the typical HSP; considering the HSPs you know and admire;
thinking about yourself; looking through this book.  Your list
should be iong.  It's very long when HSPs do it as a gmu~with my
pushing them.  So keep at it until yours is substantial.   
Now do two things: Write a little speech you might use during an
interview and also a more formal letter, and in both of them
express some of your assets, embedding your trait of sensitivity
among them in a way that quietly educates your employer.   
Here is part of a possible script (which would be a little informal
for a letter):   
And besides my ten years of experience with young children, I have
considerable knowledge of graphic arts and practical experience
with layout.  In all of this, I am aware of the unique contribution
of my personality and temperament-I am one of those persons who is
extremely   :0   
tf,   
id   
atn  132   
The Highly Sensitive Person   j   
j   conscientious, thorough, and concerned about doing a good job. 
 
At the same time, I think I have a pretty amazing imagination. 
I've always been seen as highly creative (along with earning
excellent grades in school and having a high lQ).  My intuition
about my work has always been one of my greatest strengths,
including being able to spot possible potential trouble or errors. 
 
Yet I am not one to cause a fuss.  I like to keep things calm
around me.  Indeed, you should know I work best when I'm feeling
calm, when things around me are quiet.   So most people find me
especially comfortable to work with, although I myself am just as
happy working alone as with a few others.  My independence in that
regard, my ability to work well alone and on my own, has always
been another one of my strengths.   Training   Training situations
can be very overarousing because you tend to perform worse when
being observed or when overaroused in any other way-for example,
being given too much information at once, having too many people
around talking or straining to learn, imagining all the dire
consequences of failing to remember something.   
If possible, try to train yourself.  Take home the instruction
manuals or stay after hours and work on your own.  Or arrange to be
trained one-on-one, preferably by someone who puts you at ease. 
Ask to be shown a step, then to be left to practice it alone. 
Next, allow someone else to watch you who is not a supervisor,
someone who doesn't make you so nervous.   
Being Physically Comfortable on the Job   
Because you're more sensitive, you don't need extra discomfort or
stress around you.  A situation may have been deemed safe but still
be stressful for you.  Likewise, others may have no problem with
fluorescent lights, low levels of machine noise or chemical odors,
but you do.  This is a very individual matter, even among HSPs.  133   Thnving at Work   
If you do have to complain, think realistically about what you're
up against.  If you still want to ~() ahead, mention the efforts
you've made on your own to solve the situation.  Emphasize your
productivity and accomplishments but that you can do still better
when this problem is resolved (if that's realistic).   )r.   
0-   
`ly   
`.al   Advancing in an Organization   
Research on ~shy' people claims that they tend to be paid too
little and to work below their competence level.  I suspect this is
true of many HSPs, although it's sometimes our choice.  But if you
want to be advancing and are not or if layoffs are being considered
and you don't want to be among them, you have to pay attention to
strategy.   
Often HSPs don't like to ~play politics." But that in itself can
make us subject to suspicion.  We're so easily misperceived in all
sorts of ways, especially if we spend less time with others in our
workplace or do not share our thoughts with them.  We can seem
aloof, arrogant, odd.  If we're also not pushy, we can seem
uninterested or weak.  Often these are uttefly unwarranted
projections.  But you have to be watchftil for these dynamics and
plan to defuse the projections.   
When it is appropriate, casually (or formally) let others know your
good feelings about them and the organization.  You may think your
positive feelings are obvious but they may not be if you are low
key and the others are not very aware.  Consider whether you also
need to talk more openly about what you think you contribute, where
you would like to see younself eventually in the organization, and
how long you are willing to wait to see it happen.   
Meanwhile be sure that you will not be taken for granted when the
next promotions are handed out by writing down once a week all your
latest contributions to your organization, plus any achievements
elsewhere in your profession or your life.   Be very detailed.  At
least you'll be aware of them and more likely to mention them, but
if possible, show a summary of these achievements to your
supervisor at your next review.   
If you resist doing this task or a month from now find you still
haven't done it, think deeply about why.  Does it feel like   an  

as   
[)f   
to   
d  134   
The High4' Sensiflve Person   bragging?  Then consider the
possibility that you do your organization and supervisor a major
disservice by not reminding them of your value.  Sooner or later
you'll feel dissatisfied and want to move on, or you'll be lured
away by the competition, or you 11 be laid off while someone less
competent is kept.  Do you wish others would notice your value
without your having to remind them?  That is a common desire
stemming from childhood that is seldom frilfilled in this world.  

Or, are you in fact accomplishing very little?  Do you care?  
Maybe you need to keep a record of the accomplishments that do
matter to you-tmils biked, books read, conversations had with
friends.  If something besides work takes most of your energy, it
may be what you most enjoy.  Is there any way to he paid for doing
that?  And if a responsibility such as children or an aging parent
is taking up your time, feel pride in meeting that responsibility. 
List this as an accomplishment, too, even though it cannot be
shared with most employers.   
Finally, if you are not advancing or feel `someone is out to get
you," it's quite possible that you're just not savvy enough.   
Bette Meets Machiavelli   L   
Bette was an HSP who saw me in psychotherapy.  One of the issues
she often brought to me was her frustration at work.   Therapists
can never know for certain what's going on in situations we only
hear one side of.  But it sounded as if Bette was doing a fine job
at work but was never promoted.   
Then, at one review, she was criticized for the very sorts of
behaviors that seemed to LIS would be valued by most supervisors. 
Very reluctantly, Bette began to wonder if her supervisor was "out
to get her." The supervisor had a distressed personal life, and
Bette had been warned by the last supervisor she might "stab her in
the back."   
Most of the other employees got along all right with the new
supervisor, but Bette's intuition told her they were going out of
their way to placate their boss because they feared her.  Being
much older, Bette had just seen her as immature but not a threat. 
But Bette was also dedicated and conscientious.  She often received
praise from visitors implying that she was the  Thriving at Work   
135   most competent of those they had met in her department.  She
thought she had nothing to fear, but she had overlooked her
supervisor's envy.  But then Bette didn't like to think anything
negative of anyone.   
Eventually, Bette took the step of asking someone in personnel to
let her see her file (an appropriate move in this organization) and
found that her supervisor had been putting in notes about her that
were simply untrue, while positive information Bette had asked to
be included was missing.   
Bette finally had to admit she was in a power struggle with her
supervisor, but she didn't know what to do.  In particular, she
said over and over that she didn't want to stoop to thinking like
this nemesis.   
The impoflant issue to me became helping Bette see why she had been
targeted.  Indeed, she admitted it wasn't the first time in her
work history.  I suspected that in this case it was because, untrue
as it was, she seemed aloof, superior, and therefore threatening to
an insecure younger person.  But underlying that was Bette's
failure, even refusal, to see the conflict coming.   
Here and in other work settings in the past, Bette made herself an
easy target by preferring to be "separate from the herd." Like the
many HSPs who are introverted, she preferred to go to work, do her
job well, and go home without adding to her stimulation by
socializing.  She often told me, "I don't enjoy gossiping like the
others." One effect of this style was that it kept her too
uninformed about what was going on at an informal level.   She
needed to haul out her persona and do some chatting simply to
protect herself, to know what was up, to "have some friends at
court." A second effect was that, in a sense, she was rejecting the
others, or so they felt.  At any rate, they felt no urge to come to
her aid, and thus the supervisor had known she would be safe to act
against Bette.   
Another understandable mistake that Bette made, so typical of an
HSP, was to be totally unaware of her supervisor's "shadow" or less
desirable aspects.  In fact, Bette tended to idealize superiors. 
She expected only kindness and protection from someone in charge. 
When she didn't receive it, in this case she went to the person
over her supervisor for help.  But she thought it "only right" to
let her supervisor know what she was   )r.   
0-   
se   
`es   
Ily   
an as ed to   
to In-   
he   
ed Iaan  136   
The Highly Sensitive Person   doing!  The supervisor, of course,
beat her to it, turning the higher-up against Bette.  Another
overidealized authority had behaved, predictably, like a mortal.  

When I asked Bette to be more savvy, more "political," at first she
felt I was asking her to dirty henself But I knew such purity had
to be casting a long shadow, and eventually she encountered in her
dreams an angry, fenced-in goat, then a tough little "street
fighter," and finally a mther sophisticated businesswoman.  In
getting to know these dream figures, each added something to Bette
that she had in fact possessed but hadn't used and was vehemently
repressing as unacceptable.  They taught her how to be at least a
little suspicious of everyone, especially those she was idealizing
(including me).   
As she advanced in her self-reflection-much of it obviously
requiring considerable courage and intelligence-Bette admitted that
she had deep doubts about the motivations of everyone.   But she
was always trying to suppress these suspicious as one more unsavory
aspect of herself.  By becoming aware of them and checking them
out, she found she could trust some people more, not less, and her
own less conflicted intuitions most of all.  You will have a chance
to meet your own inner power broker at the end of this chapter.   
Regrets-Evitable and Inevimble   
It is hard to face all the things we're not going to get to do in
this lifetime.  But that's part of being mortal.  How wonderful if
we can make even a little progress on the question life has asked
us.  It is even more wonderful if we find a way to be paid while
doing this.  And nearly a miracle if we're able to work on that in
the company of others, in harmony and mutual appreciation.  If
these are your blessings, do appreciate them.  If you have not
achieved them yet, I hope you now have a sense of how you might.  

On the other hand, you may be having to come to terms with a
vocation that was often blocked by other responsibilities or by
your culture's failure to appreciate you.  If you can reach a place
of peace about this, then you may well be the wisest of us all.  
`-i  Thriving at Work   137   
r.   J Working With What You Have Learned   
Meeting Your Macbiavelli   
Machiavelli, a Renaissance advisor to Italian princes, wrote with
brutal frankness about how to get ahead and stay ahead.  His name
is associated, perhaps too much, with manipulating, lying,
betraying, and all the rest of the conniving that goes on "at
court." I do not recommend that you become Machiavellian, but I do
assert that the more his qualities repulse you, the more you need
to be aware of their lurking in yourself and others.   The more you
claim to know nothing about such things, the more you will be
troubled by secret conniving in yourself or others.   
In short, somewhere inside you there is a Machiavelli.  Yes, he is
a ruthless manipulator' but no prince, especially a kind one, would
stay in power long without at least one advisor with as remorseless
a point of view as that of the enemies a prince will surely have. 
The trick is to listen well but keep Machiavelli in his place.   
Maybe you already know this part of yourself.  But give that aspect
flesh.  Try to imagine how he or she looks, what he or she says,
his or her name.  (It probably will not be Machiavelli.)   And then
have a chat.  Let him or her tell you all about the organization
where you work.  Ask who's doing what to get ahead and who's out to
get you.  Ask what yotj could do to get ahead.   Let that voice
speak for a while.   
Later, being very careftil to keep your values and good character
intact, think about what you learned.  For example, were you told
that someone is using unfair tactics and hurting you and the
organization in the process?  Is this inner voice being paranoid,
or is it something you have known but didn't want to admit?  Are
there any wise moves you can make to counter these or at least
protect younsell?   C   
D   
y   
tf,   
id   
m   
a-   
in   7    
Close Relationships   
The Challenge of Sensitive Love   
This chapter is a love story.  It begins with how HSPs fall in love
and into loving friendship.  Then it helps with the rewarding work
of keeping that love alive, HSP style.   
HSP intimacy-So Many Ways We Do It   
Cora is sixty-four, a homemaker and author of children's books.  
She has been married once, to her "only sexual partner," and
informed me firmly that she is "very content with this aspect of my
life." Dick, her husband, is "anything but an HSP." But each enjoys
what the other brings to the marriage, especially now that the
rough spots are worked out.  For example, over the years she
learned to resist his wanting her to share his pleasure in
adventure movies, downhill skiing, and attending Superbowls.   He
goes with friends.   
Mark, in his fifties, is a professor and poet, an expert on T.  S. 
Eliot.  He is unmarried and lives in Sweden, where he teaches
English literature.  Friendships are central to Mark's life.   He
has become skilled at finding those few souls in the world like
himself and cultivating deep relationships with them.  I suspect
they consider themselves very fortunate.   138  Close Relationships   139   As for romance, Mark remembers intense
crushes even as a child.  As an adult, his relationships have been
"rare but overwhelming.  Two are always there.  Painful.  There is
no end, although the door is closed." But then I recall his tone
becoming wry.  "But I have a rich fantasy life.   
Ann also recalls being intensely in love as a child.  "There was
always someone; it was a quest, a search." She married at twenty
and had three children in seven years.  There was never enough
money, and as the tensions mounted, so did her husband's
abusiveness.  After he hit her hard a few times, she knew she had
to leave, had to grow up and somehow support her- self.   
Over the years there were other men in Ann's life but she never
married again.  At fifty, she says her quest for the "magical
other" has ended at last.  Indeed, when I asked her if there were
special ways she had organized her life to accommodate her
sensitivity, her first response was "I finally got men out of my
life, so I'm not tried by that anymore." Close friendships with
women, however, and close ties to her children and sisters give Ann
great happiness.   
Kristen, the student we met in chapter 1, was yet another with
intense crushes throughout her childhood.  "Each year I would pick
out one.  But as I got older and it became more serious, especially
when I was actually with them, I wanted them to leave me alone. 
Then there was the one I went to Japan for.   He was so important
to me, but that's ending, thank goodness.   Now that I'm twenty,
I'm not so into boys.  I want to figure out who I am first."
Kristen, so worried about her sanity, is definitely sounding very
sane.   
Lily, thirty, spent a promiscuous youth in rebellion against her
strict Chinese mother.  But two years before, when Lily's health
failed due to her wild life, she finally realized she was
miserable.  During our interview she even began to wonder whether
she had chosen this overstimulating life in order to distance
herself from a family she had seen as boring and lacking American
vigor.  At any rate, when she regained her health, she entered a
relationship with a man she saw as even more sensitive than
herself.  At first, they were merely friends; like her family, he
seemed boring.  But something gentle and thoughtful   y   
n   
Is   
d   
0  140   
The Highly Sensitive Person   grew between them.  They moved in
with each other, but she didn't rush into marriage.   
Lynn is in her twenties and recently married Craig, with whom she
shares a common spiritual path and deep, new love.   But one issue
between them is how much sex they want.  In keeping with the
spiritual tn'dition he was part of, which she embraced upon meeting
him, Craig was abstaining from sexuality.  At the time of our
interview, he had changed his mind, and she was the one who wanted
to follow this tradition and abstain.  The compromise that pleases
them both thus far has been lovemaking that is `infrequent" (once
or twice a month) but "very special."   
These examples illustrate the richly diverse manner in which HSPs
fulfill their very human desire to be close to others.  Al- though
I have no large-scale statistical data yet to confirm this, it is
my impression from my interviews that HSPs vary more than others in
the kinds of arrangements they work out in this area, choosing
being single more often than the general population, or firmer
monogamy, or close relationships with friends or family members
rather than romance.  True, this marching to a different love song
may be due to HSPs' different personal histories and needs.  But
then necessity is the mother of invention.   
With all this diversity, we HSPs still have some common is- sties
to consider regarding our close relationships, all arising from our
special ability to perceive the subtle and our greater tendency to
become overaroused.   
HSPs and Falling in Love   
In respect to falling in love, my research suggests that we HSPs do
fall in love harder than others.  That can be good.  For example,
research shows that falling in love tends to increase anyone's
sense of competence and the sheer breadth of the person's
self-concept.  When in love, one feels bigger, better.  On the
other hand, it is good to know some of the reasons we fall in love
harder that have little or nothing to do with the other- just in
case there are times when we would rather not.   
Before we begin, however, write down what happened to  Close Rela tio nsh q)s   
141   
r.   you on one or more occasions when you fell deeply in love.  
Then you can watch to see if any of what I describe was operating
in your case.   
I realize that some HSPs never seem to fall in love.  (They usually
have the avoidant-attachment style I have described earlier.)  But
saying I will never love is like saying it will never rain in the
desert.  Anyone who knows the desert will tell you that when it
does rain, watch out.  So if you think you never fall in love hard,
you might just read on, anyway-in case of rain.   C   
0   
ty   
aI   
Is   
:0   Wben It Is Too In tense   
Before turning to the kind of powerful falling in love or
friendship that can lead to a wonderful relationship, you might be
interested in the rarer but more notorious case of overwhelming,
impossible love.  It can happen to anyone but it seems to ha~ pen
a little more often to HSPs.  And since it is often a miserable
experience for both parties, some information may be helpful should
you stumble into such a situation.   
This sort of love is usually unrequited.  The failure to be loved
back can be the very cause of the intensity.  If a real
relationship could develop, the absurd idealization would cool as
one came to know the beloved better, warts and all.  But the
intensity can also stop the relationship.  Extremely intense love
is often rejected by the beloved just because it is so demanding
and unrealistic.  The one being loved often feels smothered and not
really loved at all in the sense that his or her feelings are being
considered.  Indeed, it can seem as if the lover has no real
understanding of the loved one, only some impossible vision of
perfection.  Meanwhile, the lover may abandon everything for the
dream of perfect happiness which the other alone can fulfill.   
How does such love happen?  There is no one answer, but some strong
possibilities.  Carl Jung held that the habitually introverted
(most HSPs) turn their energy inward to protect their treasured
inner life from being overwhelmed by the outer world.  But Jung
pointed out that the more successfully introverted you are, the
more pressure builds in the unconscious to compensate for the
inward turning.  It is as if the house becomes   to   
an  142   
The High 4' Sensidve Person   filled with bored (but probably
gifted) kids who eventually find their way out the back door.  This
pent-up energy often lands on one person (or place or thing), which
becomes all-important to the poor upended introvert.  You have
fallen intensely in love, and it really has less to do with the
other person and more to do with how long you have delayed reaching
out.   
Many movies and novels have captured this kind of love.   The
classic film example might be The Blue A~igel, about a professor
falling in love with a dance-hall girl.  The book classic might be
Hermann Hesse's Steppenwoif about a highly intro verted older man
meeting a provocative young dancer and her passionate, sensuous
crowd.  In both cases, the protagonists are hopelessly drawn into
a world of love, sex, drugs, jealousy, and violence-all the
stimulation and stuff of the senses which their intuitive,
introverted self had once rejected and knew nothing about handling. 
But women experience it, too, as in some of the novels of Jane
Austen or Charlotte Eronte~, in which controlled, introverted,
bookish women are swept away by love.   
No matter how introverted, you are a social being.  You cannot
escape your need and spontaneous desire to connect with othens even
if your conflicting urge to protect yourself is very strong. 
Fortunately, once you have been out there a bit and in love a few
times, you will realize that no one is that perfect.  As they say,
there are always other fish in the sea.  The best pro tection
against falling in love too intensely is being more in the world,
not less.  Once you reach a balance, you may even find that certain
people actually help you stay calm and secure.  So since you are
going to be soaked someday, anyway, you might as well dive in with
the rest of us now.   
Look back at your own story of falling in love or friendship.   Did
it follow a long period of isolation?   
Human and Divine Love   
Another way to fall in love hard is to project one's spiritual
yearnings onto another person.  Again, mistaking your human beloved
for a divine beloved would be corrected if you could live with that
person for a while.  But when we cannot, the pro jection can be
surprisingly persistent.  Close Relationships   
143   The source of such love has t() be something pretty big, and
I think it is.  As Jungians would put it, we each possess an inner
helpmate who is meant to lead us to the deepest inner realms.   But
we may not know that inner helpmate very well, or more often, we
mistakenly project him or her onto others in our desperate desire
to find that one we need so much.  We want that helpmate to be
real, and of course, while things can be very real that are
entirely inner, that is an idea that can be hard to learn.   
Jungian tradition holds that for a man this inner helpmate is
usually a feminine soul or anima figure and for a woman it is
usually a masculine spiritual guide or animus.  So when we fall in
love, we are often really falling in love with that inner anima or
animus who will take us where we long to go, to paradise.   We see
the anima or animus in flesh-and-blood people with whom we hope to
share an earthly, sensual paradise (usually including a tropical
cruise or a weekend of skiing at Vale advertisers are happy to help
us project these archetypes onto the outer world).  Don't get me
wrong.  Flesh and blood and sensuality are all great.  They just
aren't going to substitute for the inner figure or the inner goal. 
But you can see what a confusion divine love can make when two
mortals set out to love each other in a human way.   
But maybe the confusion is okay, for a time, at some point in one's
life.  As the novelist Charles Williams wrote, `Unless devotion is
given to the thing which must prove false in the end, the thing
that is true in the end cannot enter."   `0   
al   
ts   
0   As we already have discussed, HSPs' relationships to everyone
and everything are greatly affected by the nature of thcir
childhood attachments to their first caretakers.  Since only about
50 to 60 percent of the population enjoyed a secure attachment in
childhood (a shocking statistic, really), those of you HSPs who
tend to be very cautious about close relationships (avoidant), or
very intense in them (anxious-ambivalent), can still consider
yourselves quite normal.  But your responses to relationships are
powerful because there is so much unfinished business in that
department.   d   
e  144   
The Highly Sensitive Person   �   
Often those with insecure attachment styles try very hard to avoid
love in order not to be hurt.  Or maybe it just seems like a waste
of time and you try not to think about why you see it differently
than most of the world.  Yet no matter how bard you try, someday
you may find yourself trying again to get it right.   Someone
appears, and it seems safe enough to risk an attachment.  Or there
is something about the other person that reminds you of some safe
person who passed too briefly through your life.  Or something
inside is getting desperate enough to take another chance. 
Suddenly you attach, as Ellen did.   
Although Ellen had never felt as close to her husband as he would
have liked, she had thought she was fairly happily married at the
time that she finished her first large sculpture.  But after the
yearlong project was completed and shipped out, she found herself
feeling oddly empty.  She rarely shared such feelings with anyone,
but one day she slipped into talking about it with an older, stOut
woman who wore her long gray hair in a bun.   
Until that conversation, Ellen had never noticed the woman, who was
considered something of an eccentric in Ellen's cornmunity.  But
the older woman happened to have been trained as a counselor and
knew how to listen empathically.  The next day, Ellen found herself
thinking about the woman all the time.   She wanted to be with her
again.  The woman was flattered to have such a glamorous artist as
a friend, and the relationship bloomed.   
But for Ellen it was more than friendship.  It was a strangely
desperate need.  To her own amazement, it 500fl became sexualized
for both of them, and Ellen~s marriage grew turbulent.  For the
sake of her husband and children, she decided she wanted to break
off the relationship, but she could not.  It was utterly
impossible.   
After a year of stormy scenes among the three of them, Ellen began
to find intolerable faults in the other woman-mainly, a violent
temper.  The relationship ended, and Ellen's marriage survived. 
But she never understood what had happened to her until years later
in psychotherapy.   
In the course of exploring her early childhood, Ellen learned from
her older sister that their busy mother had had little time  Close Relationships   
     145  T.   or inclination for babies.  Ellen had been raised by
a series of baby-sittens.  Ellen could remember one, a Mrs.  North,
who later was her first Sunday school teacher.  Mrs.  North had
been extraordinarily kind and warm; indeed, little Ellen had
thought Mrs.  North was God.  And Mrs.  North had been a stout,
homely woman who wore her gray hair in a bun.   
Ellen had grown up unconsciously programmed.  First, she was
programmed to avoid attaching to anyone, since her caretakers had
changed so often.  But at a deeper level she was programmed to
watch for someone like Mrs.  North and then to risk everything to
be secure once again, as she had been for a few hours each day in
infancy with the actual Mns.  North.   
We all go out programmed in some way: to please and cling to the
first kind person who promises to love and protect us; to find the
perfect parent and worship that person totally; to be extremely
careful of attaching to anyone; to attach to someone just like the
penson who did not want us the first time (to see if we can change
them this time) or who insisted we never grow up; or just to find
another safe harbor like the one we enjoyed as children.   
Look back over your love history.  Can you make sense of it in
terms of your early attachment?  Did you bring to it intense needs
left over from childhood?  To have some of those needs left over is
to be supplied with the normal "glue" of adult closeness.  But we
can ask only so much from a fellow adult.  Anyone who really wants
an adult with a child's needs (e.g.,  a need to never have the
other out of sight) has something unresolved going on from the
past, too.  Psychotherapy is about the only place where one can
wake up to what was lost, mourn the rest, and learn to control the
overwhelming feelings.   
But what about normal romantic love, which temporarily makes life
so wonderfully nonnormal?   
The Two Ingredients for Mutual Love   
In studying hundreds of accounts of falling in love (and
friendship) written by people of all ages, my husband (a social
psychologist with whom I have conducted considerable research on
close relationships) and I found two themes to be most com   ly   
al   
ly   
:0   
id   
m  146   
The Highly Sensftive Person   mon.  First, obviously the person
falling in love liked certainthings about the other very much.  But
also Cupid's arrow usually pierced their armor only at the moment
when they found out that the other person liked them.   
These two factons~liking certain things about the other and finding
out the other penson likes you-give me an image of a wodd in which
people walk around admiring each other, just waiting for someone
else to confess their love.  This image is important for HSPs to
keep in mind because one of the most arousing moments in one's life
is either confessing or receiving a declaration of affection.  But
if we want to be close to someone, we must do it!  We must endure
all the risks of getting closer and being close, including speaking
up.  Cyrano de Bergerac learned that lesson, and so did Capt.  John
Smith.   
How Arousal Can Make Anyone Fall In Love   
A man meets an attractive woman on a flimsy suspension bridge
swaying in the wind high over a mountain gorge.  Or he meets the
same woman on a sturdy wooden bridge a foot above a nvulet.  In
which place is the man more likely to be romantically attracted to
the woman?  According to the results of an experiment done by my
husband and a colleague (which is now famous in social psychology),
there will be far more falling in love on the suspension bridge. 
Other research has found that we are more likely to be romantically
attracted to someone else if we are aroused in any way, even from
running in place or listening to a tape of a comedy monologue.   
There are several theories about why arousal of any kind can lead
to attraction if someone appropriate is at hand.  One reason might
be that we always try to attribute arousal to something, and if we
can, we would especially like to attribute it to feeling
attraction.  Or it may be that high but tolerable levels of arousal
are associated in our minds with self-expansion and excitement, and
these in turn are associated with being attracted to someone.  This
discovery has interesting implications for HSPs.  If we are more
easily~aroused than others, we will on average be more likely to
fall in love (and perhaps harder as well) when we're with someone
who's attractive.  Close Relationships   
147   Look back at your own love history.  Did you go through an
rousing experience beft~re or while meeting someone you've loved? 
For that matter, after going through some ordeal, have you ever
felt strongly attached to the people who went through it with you? 
Or to doctors, therapists, family members, or friends who've helped
you deal with a crisis or with pain?  Think of all the friendships
formed in high school and college, while everyone is experiencing
so many new, intensely arousing situations.   Now you understand
why.   `S   
d   Another source of falling in love can be doubts about one's own
self-worth. For example, one study found that women students whose
self-esteem had been lowered (by something they were told during
the experiment) were more attracted to a potential male partner
than those whose self-esteem had not been compromised.  Similarly. 
people are especially likely to fall in love after a breakup.   
As I have emphasized, HSPs are prone to low self-esteem because
they are not their culture's ideal.  So sometimes they consider
themselves lucky if someone wants them at all.  But love on this
basis can backfire.  Later, you may realize that the person you
fell in love with was very much your inferior or simply not your
type.   
Look back at your own love history.  Has low self-esteem played a
role?   
The main solution, of course, is to build up your self-esteem by
reframing your life in terms of your sensitivity, doing some inner
work on whatever else lowered your confidence, and getting out in
the world on your terms and proving to younself that you're okay. 
You'll be surprised how many people will love you deeply just
because of your sensitivity.   
Then there is the very human tendency to enter or persist in a
close relationship out of sheer fear of being alone, over- aroused,
or faced with new or frightening situations.  I think this is a
major reason why research finds that one-third of college students
fall in love during their first year away from home.   We're all
social animals, feeling safer in each other's company.   y   
0   
I-   
If,   
id tie m  148   
The Highly Sensitive Person   But you don't want to put up with
just anyone out of fear of being alone.  The other will sense it
eventually and be hurt or take advantage of you.  You both deserve
better.   
Look back over your love history.  Did you fall in love out of fear
of being alone?  I believe that HSPs ought to feel that they can
survive at least for a while without a close, romantic
relationship.  Otherwise, we are not free to wait for a person we
really like.   
If you cannot live alone yet, it's nothing to be ashamed of.   Most
likely something damaged your trust in the world, or someone wanted
you not to develop that trust.  But if it's practical, do try
living on your own.  Should it seem too difficult, work it through
with a therapist to support and coach you- someone who will not
abuse or abandon you and who has no interest in the outcome except
seeing you self-sufficient.   
Nor do you have to be tolally alone.  There are some great other
comforts available, like good friends, loyal family members, the
roommate who happens to be home and ready to go to a movie,
big-hearted dogs, and cuddly cats.   
Deepening a Friendship   
HSPs in particular should never underestimate the advantages of
deep friendships.  They do not have to be so intense, complicated,
or exclusive as romantic relationships.  Some conflicts can be left
to work themselves out.  Annoying traits can be ignored a little
longer, maybe for the entire life of the relationship.  And in
friendship you can check out what is possible with another person
without such lasting harm being done if you're rejected or decide
to reject the other.  Occasionally, a romantic relationship even
arises from what started as a friendship.   
To deepen a friendship (or family relationship), use a little of
what you now know about the healthy reasons people fall in love. 
Tell the other person you like them.  And don't hesitate to share
an intense experience-go through an ordeal together, work on a
project, be a team.  It's hard to get close if all you do is
sometimes go to lunch together.  In the process of your shared
experience, you'll also share self-disclosures.  When these are
mutual and appropriate, they're the fastest route to closeness.  Close Relationships   Finding the Right Other   149   Actually,
often it's the non-HSP who finds us.  At one time most of my
friends were extraverted, not-so-sensitive (but certainly nice and
empathic) people who seemed a bit proud to have discovered me, the
reclusive writer.  These were good friendships for me, bringing me
perspectives and opportunities I would not have encountered on my
own.  For many reasons, however, it's always good for HSPs to be
close to some other HSPs, too.   
One excellent tactic ft~r finding other HSPs is to ask your
extraverted friends to introduce you to others they know who are
like you.  Otherwise, you can find an HSP by thinking like one.  No
happy houns, gyms, and cocktail parties.  At the risk of fostering
stereotypes, HSPs might be a little more likely to show uj~just as
examples-at adult education courses, Audubon or Sierra Club
outings, Unitarian or Quaker churches, study groups for Catholics
or Jews wanting to know about the deeper or more esoteric aspects
of their religions, art classes, lectures on Jungian psychology,
poetry readings, Mensa gatherings, symphonies, opera and ballet
performances, the lectures before those performances, and spiritual
retreats of all sorts.  That list should get you started.   
Once you have found another HSP, you can fall into conversation
easily by saying something about the noise or stimulation where you
are.  Then you can agree to get away, take a walk, find some quiet
together, and you're on your way.   0-   
se   
es   
ly   
al   
in   
as   
:0   
ly   I have said and will say again that HSPs need close
relationships and can be very skilled in them.  Still, we have to
watch for that side of us that wants to be introverted, to protect
ourselves.  Often we can find ourselves in the following sort of
dance:   
First we want to be close, so we give out all the signs that invite
closeness.  Then someone responds.  They want to see more of us,
get to know us, maybe touch us.  Then we back off.  The other
person is patient for a while, then backs off, too.   
We feel alone and put out the signs again.  That person or an-   n 
150   
The Highly Sensitive ft~on   other one tries again.  We are so
glad-for a while.  Then we feel overwhelmed.   
Step forward, step back, step forward, step back, until you both
are tired of the dance.   
Getting the right balance between distance and closeness can seem
impossible.  If you try to please others, you'll lose track of your
own needs.  If you only try to please yourseff, you'll often fail
to express very much love and will not make the compromises that
relationships require.   
Having a relationship with someone like younself is one so lution;
however, you can both end up so out of touch that the two of you
will dance on opposite sides of the room.  On the' other hand, a
relationship with someone wanting to be more involved and
stimulated can turn the dance into an ordeal.  I don't know fl~e
answer for you.  But I know HSPs must stay at the dance and neither
give up nor wish it would end.  At its best, it is a flow which
balances the needs of each and acknowledges that feelings
fluctuate.  You simply become more graceful with time, you step on
fewer toes.  So let's look closer at your closest relationships.  

Close Relationships Between Two HSPs   
Being close to another HSP should have great advantages.  Each
feels so understood, at last.  There ought to be fewer conflicts
about how much is too much, about spending time alone.  You
probably enjoy similar pastimes.   
The disadvantages could be that you are more likely to have
difficulty doing the same sorts of tasks, whether asking for
directions from strangers or spending a day shopping.  So these
things tend not to get done.  Also, if you both tend to keep your
distance from others, there will be no one to force the two of you
to be more intimate, to face your insecurity.  A distant
relationship might feel okay to both of you, but have an arid
quality that would `be absent in a relationship with a person who
asked for greater closeness.  But this is really up to both of you. 
Popular psychology notwithstanding, if you are both happy, there is
no law.  natural or human, that says you -  Close Relationships   
151   
`r.   have to be intimate and intensely sharing in order to be
content.   
Finally, it is my impression that, in general, whenever two people
in a relationship have similar pensonalities, their understanding
of each other is strong and their conflicts are minimal.   That can
be boring.  But it can also create a safe, quiet harbor from which
you each can journey, either out into the wodd or inwardly. 
Returning to each other, you can share the excitement vicariously
of each other's experiences.   -s   
:0   
ly   
al   Wben the Other Is Not As Highly Sensitive   
Any difference in a pair spending lots of time together will tend
to grow.  If you are a little better at map reading or bank
statements, you will do it all the time for both of you and become
the expert.  The trouble is, when left alone with a map or a bank
wanting to know what is going on with your account, the one who
"can't" really feels foolish and helpless.  (Although on occasion
one is surprised to find that, thanks to watching the other, he or
she knows far more than both thought.)   
Everyone has to decide for themselves the areas in which it is good
enough to be dumb but paired with an expert, and those in which it
is not okay at all to be a dummy.  Self-respect is an issue, and in
heterosexual couples I think gender stereo- types also ~tend to
take hold.  Maybe you feel uncomfortable doing things that someone
of your gender does not usually do.   Or maybe, like myself and my
husband, you feel uncomfortable letting those stereotypes stand. 
(I like knowing how to change a tire, he likes knowing how to
change a diaper.)   
This specialization is most problematic and tempting to ignore when
it happens around psychological "work." One member feels the
emotions for both; the other stays cool.  Or one feels only good
feelings, gaining no resilience in dealing with grief, fear, and so
forth.  The other gets stuck with all the anxiety and depression. 
 
When it comes to your trait, whoever is even a little less
sensitive becomes the expert in doing anything that might over-
arouse the more sensitive one.  (Or if you are both sensitive, you 
 ly   
If,   
id   
m   
m  152   
The Highly Sensitive I~rson   may specialize in different areas.) 
There are advantages for both parties.  There is more calm, and one
person feels helpful, the other, helped.  Indeed, the less
sensitive person may come to feel indispensable and find this all
too reassuring.   
Meanwhile, the more sensitive one does all the attending to the
subtle for both.  Some of this may seem less c~icial-to have
creative new ideas, know why you are living, deepen communications,
appreciate beauty.  But if there is a strong bond between the two,
it is probably because the less sensitive person truly needs and
values what, you, the more sensitive one contributes.  Without it,
all the efficient doing of things would be for nothing and probably
be much less effective as well.  Sometimes, the more sensitive
person may even sense all of this and feel indispensable and all
too superior.   
In a relationship that has lasted for many years, both partners may
become quite content with their particular distribution of tasks. 
However, in the second half of life especially, one or both may
become dissatisfied.  The desire to he whole, to experience the
half of life one did not specialize in, can become more compelling
than the desire to be efficient or avoid failure.   Moreover, if
this specialization has become extreme, as it can in a long
marriage, each person may feel so dependent on the other that they
may lose any sense of choice about being in the relationship.  In
the case of sensitivity, one of you may feel unable to survive in
the outer world; the other may feel unable to find the way inward. 
At that point, the glue is no longer love but a lack of any
alternative.   
The solution is obvious but not easy.  Both must agree that the
situation must change, even if for a time things are not done as
efficiently as before.  The more sensitive one must trv new things,
take charge more, go it alone sometimes.  The less sensitive one
must experience life without the other's "spiritual" input and make
contact with the subtle as it comes up in his   
or her own awareness.   
Each can be a coach for the other if each can keep from stepping in
and taking over.  Otherwise, the most useful role is to stay a
supporter in the stands.  Or maybe the role of someone who forgets
about the other entirely for a time so that the   Close Relationships   
153   rank amateur can struggle along without being observed and
ashamed of his or her puny efforts.  The amateur knows where to
turn fur expert and loving help if it is needed.  That is still a
wonderful offering.  Maybe in this situation it is the greatest
gift of all.   ?r.   
0- se es to ly al   Differences in Optimal Arousal Level   
We have just considered a situation in which you and your less
sensitive partner or friend make things almost too comfortable for
you, the `~sensitive one.  But there are also going to be many
times when the other does not appreciate that you are over-
stimulated.  Times when the two of you have been doing the very
same things, after all, and he or she is still feeling just fine. 
 What1s the matter with you?   
How do you respond to a well-intentioned request that you "just try
it" and not `~spoil the fun"?  This is a dilemma from my own
past-finst as a child in my family, then later with my husband.  If
I said I could not participate, either the others would not go
because of me and I would feel guilty, or they would go without me
and I would feel I had missed out.  What a choice!  Not
understanding my trait, my solution usually was to go along with
what was planned.  Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it was agony,
and sometimes I ended up sick.  No wonder many HSPs lose touch with
their "authentic self."   
During a year we spent in Europe when our son was an infant, we
traveled a few weeks of summer with friends.  Our first day out, we
drove from Paris to the Mediterranean coast, then east along the
Riviera into Italy.  We had not foreseen that we would be joining
European vacationers, all of us winding through town after town,
bumper to bumper, horns honking, mopeds sputtering.  Meanwhile, the
five of us were trying to decide on a town and a hotel that would
turn our Riviera fantasy into reality in spite of our having no
reservations and not much money.  My infant son, happy for houns
using me as a trampoline, was eventually tired and began crying and
fussing, then shrieking.  It was not much fun by sundown.   
Once in our hotel room, I yearned for rest and to have my   in   
as   
to   
ly   
of   
to   
If,   
id   
lie   
ed   
a  154   
The Highly Sensitive Person   son bedded down.  At the time, I did
not understand any of thisas a special trait; I just knew what the
two of us needed.  Now.   
My husband and our friends, however, were ready to do the casinos
at Monte Carlo.  Like many HSPs, I don't enjoy gambling.   Still,
it sounded glamorous.  But, there was no way I could stand going. 
Still, if a baby-sitter could be arranged-I just hated staying
home.   
I did stay behind finally.  My son slept well; I lay awake feeling
sad, lonely, envious of the others, and on edge being alone in a
strange place.  Of course, when the others returned, in a gay mood,
they regaled me with funny stories and
"youshould-have-been-theres." I had not gone and had not slept,
either, and then was not sleeping because I was upset that I had
not slept!   
How I wish I had known then what I know now.  Over- arousal is
easily displaced onto worries, regrets-anything that is handy-and
going to bed does not mean you will sleep; you may be far too
stirred up.  But it is still the best place to he.   And there is
usually another chance, even to see Monte Carlo.   Most of all, it
can feel wonderful to stay home once you accept that home is tnily
where you sometimes belong.   
In these situations your friend or partner is in a real bind.   He
or she wants you to come, and since sometimes in the past it has
worked out, pushing you is tempting.  And besides missing having
you along if he or she goes without you, the other may feel deeply
guilty about leaving you alone.   
I think the HSP has to take charge in these situations in order not
to have anyone else to blame later.  After all, you are the one who
knows best how you are feeling and what you can enjoy.  If you are
hesitating to do something out of fear of over- stimulation not out
of your current state of fatigue-you have to weigh that against the
fun you might have.  (And add a little weight in favor of going if
you have an extra fear of the unfamiliar left over from childhood.) 
You have to decide for yourself and act.  If your action turns out
to have been a mistake, you are the one who made it.  At least you
tried.  If you know you are overstimulated and need to stay home,
do it gracefully and minimize the regrets you express.  Urge others
to have fun without you.  Close Relationship's   
155   Daily Time Alone   
Another frequent problem in a close relationship with a less
sensitive partner or friend is your greater need for solitude, just
to think and digest the day.  The other may feel rejected or simply
still want y~ur company.  Make clear why you need the break.  State
when you will be available again and keep that promise.  Or ped~aps
you can still be together, but resting in silence.   
If you meet with resistance about your need for solitude (or any of
your special needs), you will need to discuss the issue more
deeply.  You have a n'ght to your different experience and needs. 
But realize that they are not those of your partner or friend and
not like most of the people he or she knows.  So try to listen and
see what the other is feeling.  Maybe he or she wants to deny that
such a major difference could exist between you.  Or perhaps there
is a fear that something is the matter with you, a flaw or an
illness.  The other may have a sense of loss because of adventures,
real or imagined, that this trait seems to be making impossible for
both of you.  There may be anger or a feeling that you must be
making it all up.   
It helps to remind the other, modestly and with tact, of all the
good things he or she is getting because of your trait.  And you
must watch that you do not use your sensitivity as an excuse to
always get your way.  You can tolerate high levels of stimulation,
especially when you are with someone who relaxes you and makes you
feel safe.  Sometimes making an honest ef fort to go along with
your friend or partner will be appreciated.   It may work out well. 
When it does not, you will have demonstrated your limits-preferably
without saying, "I told you so." It will become clear that you are
usually happier, healthier, and less resentful when you each
recognize and respect the other's optimal level of arousal.  You
will each encourage the other to do what is necessary-go out and
have fun, stay in and rest- in order to remain in that comfurtable
range.   
Other issues, of course, can come to the sufface when you assert
yourself about your needs.  If the relationship is already on shaky
ground, announcing your trait as a factor that your friend or
partner must live with could produce a major earth-   S   
If   
ie   
TI.   
TI  156   
The Highly Sensitive Person   quake.  But if the fault line was
there all along, do not blame your trait or your defense of it no
matter how much it becomes a point of contention.   
The Fear of Honest Communication   
Overall, sensitivity can greatly enhance intimate communication.  
You pick up on so much more of the subtle cues, the nuances the
paradoxes and ambivalences, the unconscious processes.   You
understand that this sort of communication requires patience.  You
are loyal, conscientious, and appreciative enough of the value of
the relationship to be willing to give it the time.   
The main problem is, as always, overarousal.  In that state we can
be extremely insensitive to everything around us including those we
love.  We can blame our trait-"I was just too tired, too
overwhelmed." But it is still our duty to do whatever we can to
communicate in a helpful way or let the other know ahead of time if
possible, when we are unable to hold up our end.   
HSPs probably make their greatest communication errors by avoiding
the overarousal caused by unplcasantries.  I think most people, but
HSPs especially, dread anger, confrontation, tears, anxiety,
"scenes," facing change (it always means the loss of something),
being asked to change, being judged or shamed by our mistakes, or
judging or shaming anyone else.   
You probably know rationally-from reading, experience and perhaps
relationship counseling-that one has to have all of the above if a
relationship is going to stay fresh and alive.   But for some
reason that knowledge does not help when it comes time to plunge in
and blurt out your feelings.   
Furthermore, your intuition is leaping ahead.  In a very real,
arousing, semiconscious imaginary world, you are already
experiencing various ways the conversation might go, and most of
them are distressing.   
There are two ways to tackle your fears.  First, you can become
conscious of what you are imagining and imagine other
possibilities, too-for example, how it will be after the conflict
is cleared up or how it will be if you do not work on the problem. 
Second, you can discuss with your friend or partner what  Close Relationships   
157   
r.   you are imagining that is keeping you from being more open.  
Saying something like this is inevitably manipulative: "I would
like to talk to you about such and such but cannot if you react by
saying such and such." But it may also take you to deeper issues
about how you communicate.   
The Need for Time-outs During Conflicts   
A couple in which one or both are HSPs need to work out some extra
ground rules for their most arousing communications, which are
usually their arguments.  I presume that you already ban
name-calling, the muddling of the present conflict with past
issues, and the abuse of confidences shared when you were both
feeling safe and close.  But the two of you might agree on other
rules just to handle overarousal.  One is taking time out.   
In general, one should not walk out in the middle of an argument
(or bring up the issue of "ending it for good").  But when someone
has a strong desire to get away, that person is feeling desperate
and cornered words are not working.  Sometimes this is due to guilt
because of having seen something about one's self that was very
unpleasant.  This is the time for the other to back off and show
some sympathy, not drive the point home and shame the partner more. 
Sometimes the cornered one still feels in the right but outgunned. 
The words are too fast, too sharp, there is no comeback that will
work.  Fury rises, and leaving is the only safe way to express it. 
 
In any case, as an HSP you may find yourself sometimes so
overaroused just from arguing that your fight is rapidly becoming
one of the worst moments in your life.  Since your relationship is
bound to become bitter and distant without the occasional
expression of legitimate gripes, you want both parties to look back
on quarrels as worthwhile even if painful at the time.  That means
being civilized.  So take a time-out.  Offer an escape hatch, even
if for only five minutes, an hour, a night to sleep on it.  No one
is walking out, just postponing.   
Waiting to finish an argument can be hard on both of you, so both
must agree to the pause.  Discuss it ahead of time as a truly
helpful ground rule, not a cop-out.  Actually, you may find   e   
d   
tf   
0   
C d  158   
The Highly Sensitive Person   it so helpful that you will readily
agree to it in the future.  Things always look different after a
time-out.   
The Pou'er of Posftive Metacom munications   
and Reflective Listening   
Metacommunications mean talking about how you talk or just about
how you feel in general, apart from the moment.  Negative
metacommunications sound Jike this: "I just hope you are aware that
even though I am discussing this with you, I plan to do whatever I
want." Or, "Have you noticed that every time we argue you become
irrational?" Such statements escalate arguments to a new level. 
Avoid them, potent weapons as they are.   
Positive metacommunications, however, do the opposite, putting a
safe ceiling on how much damage is being done.  They sound like
this: "I know we are arguing pretty hot and heavy right now, but I
just want you to know that I want this to work out.  I care about
you, and I appreciate your struggling through this with me.1,   
Positive metacommunications are important in all tense moments
between people.  They lower arousal and anxiety by reminding those
involved that they do, or could, care for each other and that
things will probably work out.  Couples in which either or both are
HSPs should be especially sure to include them in their
close-relationships toolbox.   
I also suggest you try "reflective listening." This valuable tool
has been around since the sixties, and you probably know it well. 
I've included a reminder of it here because it has saved my
marriage twice, and that's no exaggeration.  How could I leave it
out?  This is the CPR of love and friendship.   
Reflective listening boils down to hearing the other person,
especially his or her feelings.  To be sure you heard, you say the
feelings back.  That's it.  But it's harder than it sounds.  First
of all, you'll say it sounds stilted or "like a therapist." It does
when done exclusively.  But that reaction also may be due to a
discomfort with feelings, at least partly taught by your culture. 
 Believe me, it seems far less phony to the penson receiving the
attention.  And just as good basketball players must sometimes   `1 
Close Relationships   159   do nothing but shoot baskets or
dribble, you need to practice listening exclusively now and then so
that it's there as a move when you need it.  So try exclusive, pure
reflective listening at least once, preferably with someone you're
close to.   
Still unsure?  Another reason for sticking to feelings is that out
in the world they are rarely hea~d.  We want them to be honored, at
least in our close relationships.  And feelings are deeper than
ideas and facts in that they often color, control, and confuse the
ideas and facts.  Once the feelings are clear, the ideas and facts
are clearer, too.   
When doing reflective listening during a conflict in your
relationship, you'll be forced to hear when you're being unfair,
when it's time to outgrow certain needs and give up certain habits,
and to hear the negative impact you're having without defending
yourself and shutting out the bad news and without getting
overaroused and breaking down so that the other has to take care of
you.  This leads us to a deep topic.   e   
`S   
0   
y   
il a   
`5   
d   
0   
I-   Close Relationships As a Path to Individuation   
In chapter 6 1 described what Jungian psychologists call the
individuation process, the process of following one's path in life,
learning to listen to one's inner voices. Another aspect of that
process is listening specifically to those voices or parts of our-
selves which we have shunned, despised, ignored, or denied.   These
"shadow" parts, as Jungians call them, are always needed in order
to become a strong, whole person, even if we live half our lives as
though knowing about them would kill us.   
For example, someone may be so convinced he is always strong that
he can never admit to any weakness.  History and fiction are filled
with lessons about this dangerous blind spot, which eventually
brings the person down.  We have all seen the opposite, to~people
convinced they are always weak, innocent victims, forfeiting their
personal power but gaining the opportunity to think of themselves
as all good and of others as bad.  Some people deny the part that
loves; others, the part that hates.  And so on.   
The best way to handle shadow aspects is to know about   id   
ie   
tfl  160   
The Highly Sensitive Person   
REFLECTIVE LISTENING   
When done as an exercise, set a time limit (ten minutes minimum,
forty-five minutes maximum).  Then reverse roles, giving the other
equal time, but do not reverse right away.  Wait an hour or even a
day.  If the subject was some conflict or anger between the two of
you, also wait before discussing at all what was said.  You can
take some notes on what you want to say if you want to.  But your
best bet in this case is to express your reactions during your turn
at reflective listening.   
THE DOS:   
I.  Bear yourself physically as one who is really listening.  Sit
up, arms and legs uncrossed.  Lean forward, perhaps.  Look at the
other person.  Do not check your watch or clock.   
2.  In words or tone, reflect back the actual feelings that were
expressed.  The factual contents are secondary and will come out as
you talk-be patient.  If you suspect that other feelings are
present, wait until they show themselves in words or are utterly
obvious from the tone of voice.   
To start with a somewhat silly example to demonstrate the idea of
emphasizing the reflection of feelings, your partner might say, "I
don't like the coat you're wearing." In this exercise, aimed at
emphasizing the feeling, you would say, "You really dislike this
coat." You don't say, "You really dislike this coat," which
emphasizes the coat as though you're asking what's wrong with it. 
And you don't say, "You really dislike me wearing this coat," which
focuses on yourself (usually defensively).   
But silly examples can lead to much more.  Your partner responds to
your reflection of these feelings by saying, "Yes, that coat always
makes me think of last winter." Here there aren't many
feelings-yet.  So you wait.   
Your partner says, "I hated living in that house." You emphasize
the feelings again: "It was pretty bad there for you?' Not "why?"
Not, "I tried to get us out of there as soon as I could."  Close Relationships   
     161  `r.   And soon you may be hearing things about last
winter you never knew about before.  "Yes, I realize now that I
never was so alone, even with you in the same rooms with me."
Things that need to be discussed.  That's where the reflection of
the other's feelings can lead, as opposed to focusing on facts or
your own feelings.   
THE DON'TS:   0   
ly   
al   
is   
0   Don't ask questions.   
2.  Don't give advice.   
3.  Don't bring up your own similar experiences.   
4.  Don't analyze or interpret.   
5.  Don't do anything else that is distracting or not reflecting
the person's feeling experience.   
6.  Don't lapse into a very long silence, letting the other do a
monologue.Your silence is the "listening" half of reflective
listening.  When timed right, silence gives the other the space to
go deeper.  But also keep reflecting what has been said.  Use your
intuition in the timing of these two.   
7.  And no matter what the other says, don't defend yourself or
give your view of the matter.  If you think it's necessary, you can
emphasize afterward that your listening did not mean you agreed. 
While the assumptions behind feelings can be wrong (and we can do
something wrong because of what we feel), feelings in themselves
are not right or wrong and usually lead to less trouble, not more,
if respectfully heard.   
them and form an alliance with them.  Up to now I have been upbeat
about HSPs, speaking of our conscientiousness, loyalty, in-
tuition, and insight.  But I would do you a disservice if I did not
also say that HSPs have as much or more reason to reject and deny
parts of themselves.  Some HSPs deny their strength, power,   ly  

:0   
te fl n  162   
The Highly Sensitive I~rson   and capacity at times to be tough and
insensitive.  Some deny their irresponsible, unloving parts.  Some
deny their need for others or their need to be alone or their
anger~r all of the above.   
Learning about these rejected pans is difficult because usually we
rejected them for good reasons.  And while your casual friends may
know quite a bit about your shadow aspects, they will probably
hesitate to speak of them.  But in a very close relationship,
especially if you live together or must count on each other for the
basics in life, you will not be able to avoid seeing and discussing
each other's shadow~sometimes heatedly.   Indeed, one could say
that a close relationship does not really begin until y)u do know
about these aspects of each other and decide how you will live with
or change them.   
It is painful and shameful to be shown your worst side.  That is
why it can only happen when you are forced to by the one you care
most for and when you know you are not going to be abandoned for
speaking of or possessing these "homble," secret parts.  Thus, a
close relationship is the best way to take possession of them, to
gain the positive energy that was lost along with the negative and
individuate along the path to wisdom and wholeness.   
SelfiExpansion in Close Relationships   
We humans seem to have a strong need to grow, to expand- not just
to have more territory, possessions, or power but to expand in
knowledge, consciousness, and identity.  One way we do this is to
include others in our selves.  One stops being "I and becomes
something bigger: "we."   
When we first fall in love, the self-expansion due to including
another in our lives is rapid.  Research on marriage, how- ever,
shows that after a few years the relationship becomes much less
satisfying, but good communication slows that decline and, with the
individuation, process just described, the decline can be even
further slowed, or reversed.  My husband and I did research that
uncovered another way of increasing satisfaction.   In several
studies of married and dating couples, we found that the pairs felt
more satisfied with their relationships if they did things together
that they defined as "exciting" (not just "pleas-  Close Relationships   
163   
r.   ant").  This seems logical; if you cannot expand anymore by
incorporating new things about the other into yourself, you can
still create an association between the relationship and
self-expansion by doing new things together.   
To an HSP especially, it may seem that life is too stimulating
already and when you come home you want quiet.  But be careful not
to make your relationship so soothing that you do not do anything
new together.  Perhaps to do that, your hours apart have to be less
stressful.  Or you have to search for what expands you without
overarousing you-a concert of quiet but unusually beautiful music,
a discussion of last night's dreams, a new book of poetry to share
by the fire.  You don't have to ride a roller coaster together.   
If the relationship has been a source of comfort, it also deserves
yt~ur seeing that it continue to be a source of satisfying
self-expansion.   0   
y   
il n is d   
0   HSPs and Sexuality   
This is a topic deserving good research and an entire book.   Our
culture feeds us all so much information about what is ideal, what
is abnormal.  But that comes from the 80 percent who are not HSPs. 
What is ideal and normal fr~r us?  I cannot say for certain, but it
makes sense that if we are more sensitive to stimulation, we might
be more sensitive to sexual stimulation.  This might make our
sexual lives more satisfying.  It could also cause us to need much
less variety.  And those times when we are overaroused from general
stimulation could obviously interfere with our sexual functioning
and pleasure.  You know enough now about this trait, in theory and
practice, to think through how your sexuality is affected by it. 
If this area of your life has been confusing or distressing, you
might also want to do the reframing exercise with some of your
sexual experiences or feelings.   If, id   
`C   
m   
m   
a-   HSPs and Chlldren   in   Children seem to thrive when their
caretakers are sensitive.  And I have met many highly sensitive
caretakers who were at their  164   The Highly Sensitive ~on   happiest tending their children or
the children of others.  I have also met some who have not had
children or who limited their family to one child entirely because
of their sensitivity.  Not surprisingly, this depended in part on
their past experiences with children-was it pleasant, or was it too
much?   
When thinking about whether you want to raise children, it is good
to remember that your children and future family will be more
suited to you than those of others.  They will have your genes and
your influence.  When families are loud, boisterous, or filled with
dissension, it is often because the members find that comfortable
or at least okay.  Your family life can be different.   
On the other hand, no one can deny that children do greatly
increase stimulation in life.  To a conscientious HSP, they are a
great responsibility as well as a joy.  You have to be in the world
with them, at play school, elementary school, junior high, high
school.  You have to meet other families, doctors, dentists,
orthodontists, piano teachers.  It goes on and on.  They bring the
whole wide world to you-issues of sex, drugs, driving a car getting
an education, a job, a partner.  It is a lot to handle (and one
cannot assume one will have a partner during the whole process). 
You will have to give up other things to do it-that is a certainty. 
 
It's all right not to have children.  We cannot have every.   thing
in this world.  Sometimes it's smart to see our limits.  On this
subject, in fact, I often say that it's wonderful not to have
children.  And wonderful to have them.  Each is its own kind of
wonderful.   
Your Sensitivity Enriches Your Relationships   
Whether you are an extraverted or introverted HSP, your greatest
social fulfillment tends to come in close relationships.  This is
the area of life where almost everyone learns most profoundly while
gaining great satisfaction, and it is where you can shine.   You
can help others and help yourself by applying your sensitivity to
these relationships.  Close Relationsh iOs   
165   Working With What You Have Learned   
The Three of Us: You, Me, and My (or Our)   
Trait of Sensitivity   
The following is meant to be done with another person with whom you
are in a close relationship.  If you have no one with whom you can
do it, imagine doing it with someone with whom you had a
relationship in the past or hope to have in the future.  You will
still learn a great deal.   
If the other person does exist and has not read this book have him
or her read the first chapter and this one, at least making note of
whatever seemed unusually relevant to your relationship.  Reading
some parts out loud together might be valuable, too.  Then set
aside time to discuss the following questions.   (If you both are
HSPs, do the set for one of you, then again for the other.)   y   
D   
I-   1.  What aspects of~'ou does the other value that are caused 
 
by your being an HSP?   
2.  What aspects of you, caused hy your sensitirnty, would the
other like to change?  Keep in mind that the issue is not that the
aspects are "bad," just difficult in particular situations or in
relation to traits or habits the other possesses.   
3.  What are some of the conflicts the ~~o of you have had that are
caused h~ your being an HSP?   
4.  Discuss any instances when the other wished you had taken into
account your sensitivity and protected yoursdf more.   
5.  Discuss any instances when you have used your sensitivity as an
excuse not to do something or as a weapon in an argument.  If this
discussion becomes heated, use what you learned in "reflective
listening" to contain it.   
6.  Was there anyone else who was highly sensitive in either of
your familie&P Th what ways might that relationship he affrcting
this one?  For example, imagine a highly sensitive woman married to
a man whose mother was highly sensitive.  The husband would have
deep-seated attitudes toward sensitivity.  Be-   n n n  fi   
The Highly Sensitive Person   coming alert to them could improve
relationships among all three-him, his wife, and his mother.   
7.  Discuss u'hat you each gain ht' soeciahzin~one of you heing
more sensitive, the other less.  Besides the efficiency and
specific benefits, do you each enjoy being needed for your own
talents?  Do you feel indispensable to the other?  Do you feel good
about yourself when you are doing something the other cannot?   
8.  Discuss u'hat you each lose by this specialization.  What do
you wish you could do for yc~urself that the other now does for
you?  Do you get tired of the other depending on you when you're
engaging in your specialty?  Do you have less respect for your
partner because you do such things better?  Does it lower the
other's self-esteem?  8   
C   Healing the Deeper Wounds A Different Process for HSPs   d   I
knew a boy named Drake in high school.  At that time he was the
class nerd.  Today I would say he was an HSR   
Drake had considerably more to deal with, however.  He had been
born with a congenital heart defect, epilepsy, a host of allergies,
and fair skin that could not tolerate the sun.  Unable to play
sports or even be out-of-doors, he was completely excluded from our
culture's non~al boyhood.  Naturally, he became bookish and by
adolescence was quite passionate about ideas.  He also became
passionate about girls, as do most boys at that age.   
The girls, of course wanted nothing to do with him.  I suppose we
did not dare welcome his attentions; his need for acceptance made
him tOO intense.  And it would have been social death for any of
us.  But he loved one after another, anyway, in a shy and hungry
way that made him a joke.  The highlight of the year for some of
his classmates was getting their hands on some of Drake's rejected
love poems and reading them out loud all over the school.   
Fortunately, Drake was in the program for gifted students, and
among us he was more accepted.  We admired his essays, his comments
in class.  So we were proud of him when he received a full
scholarship to a top university.   d C n n d   
I- n   167  168   The Highly Sensitive Person   He must have been even more
afraid than the rest of us about going away to school.  It meant
living day and night with others his own age, the very ones who had
made his life impossible in the past.  Of course, he could never
turn down the honor.  But how would it be for him?  And how would
it feel to leave his sheltering home and medical support?   
The answer came after the first Christmas vacation.  On the first
night back in his doru~ room, Drake hung himself.   
HSPs and the Healing of Psychological Wounds   
I do not mean to startle you with such a story~again, Drake' had
many difficulties.  HSPs' lives rarely have such bad endings.   But
if this chapter is going to be helpful, it needs to serve as a
warning as well as a comfort.  My research results make it clear
that HSPs who faced extreme difficulties in childhood and ad~
lescence are going to be at a much greater risk for anxiety,
depression, and suicide until they acknowledge their past as well
as their trait and begin to heal their own wounds.  HSPs with
serious current problems also need to give themselves special
consideration.  Non-HSPs simply do not take in as many of the -
subtle, disturbing aspects of these situations.  Your trait in
itseff is not at fault; but like a finely tuned instrument or
machine, or a high-spirited, finely bred animal, you do need
special handling.  And many of you received mediocre or even
damaging care as a child.   
In this chapter I'll discuss the various ways of dealing with past
and present difficulties, mainly through psychotherapy in the
broadest sense.  I'll also discuss the pros and cons of
psychotherapy for HSPs without major problems, the different a~
proaches, how to choose a therapist, and the like.  But I'll begin
with the issue of childhood wounds.   
How Much Emphasis Should We Place   
on Our Childhoods?   
I do not believe that our psychological life can all be reduced to
what happened to us while growing up.  There is the present- - the
people who influence us, our physical health, our environ- -  Healing the Deeper W~~unas   
169   
r.   ment-and there is also something within us calling us fonvard. 
 As I said in chapter 6 about vocation, I do believe we each have
at least a part of a question to answer for our generation, a task
to advance a little bit for our times.  And while a difficult past
may seem at first to hamper our living our life's purpose, some-
times it serves the purpose, tOO.  Or it is the purpose-to fully
experience and unden~tand a certain kind of human problem.   
T also want to empl~asize a common mistake of many
psychotherapists, those who do not yet understand about HSPs.  
Naturally, these therapists look for something in an HSP's
childhood to explain "symptoms" that may be in the normal range for
us.  They may think the HSP is withdrawing "too much," reporting
feelings of dissociation "for no reason,' having "excessive" or
"neurotic" anxiety, and "unusual" problems at work, in close
relationships, or with sexuality.  Having an explanation is always
a relief for both therapist and client even if it is that someone
did something bad to us that we have since forgotten or
underestimated.   
I find that people whose real difficulties begin with their trait
(perhaps misundenstood or mismanaged) are greatly relieved and
improved when they learn the basic facts about sensitivity.  There
still may be significant work to do in therapy, such as reframing
experiences and learning how to live with their trait, but the
focus naturally shifts.   
I also think people don't know what they're talking about when they
say, "Oh, come on!  Childhood is hard for everybody.   No family is
perfect.  Everybody has some skeletons in their closet.  It's just
infantile the way people go on and on with years of therapy.  Look
at their brothers and sisters-same problems   
and they aren't making a big deal.  Thejire getting on with their
lives."   
All childhoods are not equal.  Some are truly horrible.  And they
can differ within the same family.  Statistical analyses of the
influence of family environment on different children in the same
family show no overlap.  Your brothers or sisters lived a totally
different childhood.  You had different positions in the family,
different early experiences, even in a sense different parents,
given how adults change with circumstances and age.  Finally, you
were highly sensitive.   `S   
0   
n   
IS   
0   
ly   
le In In  It'   
170   The Highly Sensitive Person   Those born highly sensitive are
more affected by everything. Furthermore, whoever is the most
sensitive in the family often becomes the focus.  In a disturbed
family especially, he or she becomes the family's seer, for
example, or harmonizer, prodigy, target, martyr, patient, parent,
or the weak one whose protection becomes someone else's life
purpose.  Meanwhile, the sensitive child's extra need, to learn to
feel secure in the world, is overlooked.   
In sum, believe it if it seems to you that the same child- hood or
an "okay" childhood has been harder for you than for others in your
family or for others with a similar past.  And if you think you
need therapy to heal childhood wounds, get it.   Each childhood is
its own story, deserving to be heard.   
How Dan Survived   
At first, Dan's answers to my questions were typical, if extreme,
for an HSR He considered himself highly introverted and had always
needed a lot of time alone.  He disliked violence in any form.  He
told me that he managed the accounting office of a large nonprofit
agency, where he thought he was appreciated for being kind and
"diplomatic." He found most other social sittIations too draining. 
But then the interview returned to his dislike of violence.   
Dan recalled frequent brawls with his brother, who would hold him
down and pound and kick him.  (Sibling abuse remains one of the
least studied forms of family violence.)  Meanwhile, I was
wondering what else was wrong, why this bullying had been allowed
in his family.  I asked if his mother had considered him a
sensitive child.   
"I don't know.  She wasn't very attentive."   
A red flag.  As if reading my thoughts, he said, "My mother and
father were not demonstrative."   
I nodded.   
"In fact, they were bizarre.  I remember nothing positive about
them.  Cuddling, that stuff." Then the stoicism melted.  The story
unfolded of his mother's mental illness, never treated.   "Chronic
depression.  Schizophrenia.  People in the TV talking to  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
171   her." Binge alcoholism-sober Monday through Friday, "drunk
and gone" from Friday night to Sunday morning.  `My father was an
alcoholic, too.  He'd hit her.  Beat her.  It would always get out
of control.   
When drunk, his mother would always tell him the same story~f her
own mother being a col'd and withdrawn invalid, of her only
caretakers being a succession of maids and nurses, of her father's
illnesses and of being forced to stay alone with him, day after
day, as he was slowly dying.  (So often this is the story-lack of
nurturing, generation after generation.)   
"She would sob and sob when she would tell it.  She was a good
woman.  She was the sensitive one.  Far more than me." And in the
same breath: ~But so vicious.  She could always find my Achilles
heel.  She had that incredible knack." (HSPs are not all saints.) 
 
Dan was struggling with the terrible ambivalence that develops when
a child's only Protector is also dangerous.   
He described hiding as a child-in closets, under the bathroom sink,
in the family car, in a certain window seat.  But, as in most such
stories, there was one person who made the SOulsaving difference. 
Dan had a paternal grandmother, a rigid woman who was "fanatical
about cleanliness." But after her husband died, she made a
companion of little Dan.   
"One of my earliest memories is of sitting with three women, in
their sixties, playing canasta, and I'm six and can barely hold the
cards.  But they needed a fourth, and when I was Playing canasta,
I was an adult and important and could say things to them I could
say to no one else."   
This grandmother provided the crucial stability required for a
highly sensitive child to develop strategies for survival.   
Dan also had wonderful resilience.  "My mother used to sit and
lecture me like this: `Why do you try so hard?  You'll never make
anything of younself.  You haven't a chance.' And I just made up my
mind to defy her."   
Being highly sensitive does not at all rule out being, in your own
way, a tenacious survivor.  And Dan needed that as he told me the
rest of the story.   
At fourteen Dan took a job.  There was a man he worked   y   
y   
0   
I-   
td   
IC  172   
The Highly Sensitive Person   with whom Dan looked up to because he
was well-read and talked to Dan as an adult.  "I tnisted him, and
I ended up being molested by him."   
(Again, it is not only the single instance of abuse that is a
concern but the lifelong situation that made it more likely.  
Given Dan's childhood, his hunger for closeness must have led to
his overlooking subtle signs of danger.  Plus he would have been
slow to protect himself, given that he had no role mod- els-no one
else had looked out for him.)   
Dan shrugged.  "So, from that I learned, `If you can make it
through this, they can throw just about anything they've got at you
and it isn't going to make a hell of a lot of difference.  If you
can get through this.'"   
Dan married his childhood sweetheart, who bad had a family as
disrupted and chaotic as his own.  They had made up their minds to
make it work, and they had, for twenty years.  Part of their
success was due to firmly establishing limits with his family and
hers.  "I know how to take care of myself now."   
Some of that lesson came from three months of psychotherapy the
year before, when he had fallen into a deep depression.  He had
also read many books on the psychologv of codependency and on adult
children of alcoholics.  Their groups, however, he did not attend. 
Like many HSPs, he would rather not reveal his life to a roomful of
strangers.   
"Permission to do what 1 need to d~that has been most important. 
To acknowledge my sensitivity and respect it.  To pr~ ject
positive, solution-oriented calm at work.  But to watch for -
looking too much on the outside like someone or something I don't
feel inside."   
Because inside "there is a black hole.  Sometimes I can't think of
a single reason to go on living.  I just don't care if I live or
die."   
Then, in the same even tone, he told me he had a friend, a
psychiatrist, who was helpful, and two ofl~er friends who are
counselors.  And that he knew there was a richness resulting from
his sensitivity in combination with his life experience.   
"I am deeply moved by things.  I'd hate to miss the intense joy of
that." He smiled bravely.  "Although there's a lot of lone-  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
173   liness.  It has taken longer to appreciate the grief in life. 
But life is about both.  I search for a spintual answer."   
And so Dan survives.   
WbatAbout Your Own Past?   
At the end of this chapter you will have a chance to assess your
own childhood and think about what was there.  I want to repeat my
research finding discussed in chapter 4: HSPs are more affected by
a troubled childhood in that they are more depressed and anxious as
adults.  Also keep in mind that the earlier the problem occurred or
began and the more that it was rooted in the behavior of your
primary caretaker, usually your mother, the more deeply rooted and
long-lasting the effects.  You must have great patience with
yourself throughout your life.  You will heal, but in your own way
and with some qualities you could not have gained had there been no
problems.  For example, you will be more conscious, more complex,
and more understanding of others.   
Let's not forget the advantages of being sensitive in childhood,
even in a dysfunctional family.  You were more likely to withdraw
and think it over rather than being totally enmeshed.   Like Dan
with his grandmother, you may have known intuitively where to turn
for help.  You may have developed vast inner and spiritual
resources as a compensation.   
My oldest interviewee had even come to believe that difficult
childhoods are chosen by souls destined for a spiritual life.   It
keeps them working on their inner life while others are settling
down into a more ordinary existence.  Or as one friend of mine put
it, "In the first twenty years we are given our curriculum.  In the
next twenty we study it." For some of us that curriculum is the
equivalent of graduate study at Oxford!   
As adults, HSPs tend to have just the right personalities for inner
work and healing.  Generally speaking, your keen intuition helps
you uncover the most important hidden factors.  You have greater
access to your own unconscious and so a greater sense of others'
and how you were affected.  You can develop a good sense of the
process itself-when to push, when to back off.   )r.   
:0- Se   
`es tQ ly .al   
an as ed to   
.ly   
of   
to   
If,   
m   
m   
a174   
The Highly Sensitive Person   -J.   
You have curiosity about inner life.  Above all, you have
integrity.  You remain committed to the process of individuation no
matter how difficult it is to face certain moments, certain wounds,
certain facts.   
Assuming that you are one of the many HSPs with a difficult
childhood or a difficult present, let's explore your options.   
The Four Approaches   
One can `cut up the pie" of healing methods with many
divisions-long or short, self-help or professional help, individual
or group therapy, treating yourself or treating your whole family
together.  But we can cover it well by serving up four big slices:
cognitive-behavioral, interpersonal, physical, and spiritual.   
There are therapists who use all four, and perhaps they are the
best.  But do ask which is their private favorite, mentioning these
four explicitly.  It is a great shame to spend time in therapy with
someone whose basic philosophy is not what you would have
preferred.   
Cognitive.Behavioral   
Short-term "cognitive-behavioral" therapy, aimed at relieving
specific symptoms, is the most accessible through insurance and
managed-care plans.  This approach is `cognitive" because it works
on how you think, and it is "behavionil" because it works on how
you behave.  It tends to ignore feelings and unconscious motive. 
Everything is meant to be practical, rational, and clear.   
You'll be asked what you want to work on.  If your complaint is
that you're generally anxious, you'll be taught the latest
techniques of relaxation or biofeedback.  If you fear specific
things, you'll be very gradually exposed to them until the fear -
is gone.  If you're depressed, you'll be taught to examine your
irrational beliefs that eve~tthing is hopeless, no one cares about
you, you should not make mistakes, and so forth.  If you persist in
those beliefs while depressed, you'll be taught ways to stop those
thoughts.   
If you're not engaging in specific tasks that might help you
psychologically, like getting dressed and going out each day or  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
175   making friends, you'll be helped to set goals around those
specifics.  You'll learn whatever skills you need to meet your
goals and how to reward yourself when you do.   
If you're struggling with stress from work, a divorce, or family
problems, you~ll be helped to refi~ame them in ways that indude
more of the facts, more insights that will help you cope.   
These methods may not seem very deep or glamorous, but they often
work and are always worth trying.  The skills will be usefi~l even
if they do not fix everything.  And the increase in self-confidence
from solving one difficulty often improves life generally.   
Besides learning these techniques in psychotherapy, you can find
all of the techniques in books.  But it usually helps to have a
caring coach to take you through the steps.  You and a friend might
be able to do that for each other.  But the professionals have
considerably more experience.  In particular, they should know when
to drop an approach and try another.   r.   
.5   
0   
ty   
Is   
0   
ly   Interpersonal   
Interpersonally oriented psychotherapy is what most people think of
as "therapy." Examples are Freudian, Jungian, object relations,
Gestalt, Rogerian or client-centered, transactional analysis,
existential, and most eclectic therapies.  They all involve talk
and making use of the relationship between you and another penson
or pensons~~fien a therapist but sometimes a group or peer
counselor.   
There are probably hundreds of theories and techniques here, so I
have to speak in general terms.  Besides, most therapists use a
blend to fit the client's needs.  Still, there are different
emphases.  Some make the relationship a safe place to explore
anything and everything.  Some see it as a place specifically to
give you a new experience of early attachment, a new mental picture
of what to expect in future close relationships.   Some say it is
a place to mourn the past and let go of it, find meaning in it;
others, a place to observe and try new behaviors; still others, a
place to explore your unconscious until you're in better harmony
with it.   
You and your therapist work together on your feelings about   If,
id [le m   
m   
a-   
in  176   
The Highly Sensitive Person   �!   
the therapist, other relationships, your personal history, your
dreams (maybe), and anything else that comes up.  Not only will you
learn from what is discussed; you'll learn how to do this kind of
inner work on your own.   
Disadvantages?  One can talk and talk and get nowhere if the
therapist is not skilled or your real problem lies elsewhere.  The
therapist has to understand his or her own issues to a great
degree.  It can take years to work through your prior
relationships, the one with the therapist, plus your existing ones. 
But sometimes great progress is made in just a few months, as
happened with Dan.   
Physical   
Physical approaches include exercise, improving nutrition or being
carefril about food allergies, acupressure, herbal supplements,
massage, tai chi, yoga, Rolfing, bioenergetics, dance therapy, and
of course all the medications, especially antidepressants and
antianxiety drugs.  Indeed, today physical approaches mainly mean
medications prescribed by a psychiatrist, which chapter 9 will
discuss.   
Anything done to the body will change the mind.  We expect this to
be the case with drugs specifically designed for that purpose.  But
we forget that our brain and therefore our thoughts can also be
changed by sleep, exercise, nutrition, environment, and the state
of our sexual hormones, to name a few factors we can often control
ourselves.  It is equally true that anything done to the mind will
also change the body-meditating, telling our troubles to a friend,
or even just writing them down.  Each "talking therapy" session
must change the brain.   Thus, it should not be surprising that the
three forms of therapy discussed so farcognitive-behavioral,
interpersonal, and physical-have been found to be equally good for
curing depression.  So you do have a choice.   
Spiritual   
Spiritual approaches include all the things people do to explore
the nonmaterial aspect of themselves and their world.  - Spiritual
approaches comfort us, telling us there really is more -~  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
177   
L   to life than what we see.  They heal or make more bearable the
wounds received in this world.  They tell us we are not trapped in
this situation, that there is more.  Maybe there is even some order
or plan behind it all, a purpose.   
Additionally, when we open to a spiritual approach, we often begin
to have experiences that convince us that there truly is something
more here to know.  Then we want a spiritual approach to therapy;
anything else would seem to leave out an important aspect of life. 
 
Some therapists are mainly spiritually oriented.  Be sure to ask
before you begin and think about whether you feel compatible with
the person's particular spiritual path.  Or you can seek out clergy
members, spiritual directors, or others directly associated with a
religion or spiritual practice.  In this case, explore careh~lly
whether they have suitable psych~~logical training to do the work
you agree to do together.   0   
n IS d   
0   
y   HSPs and the Behavioral-Cognitive Approach   
As for how these four approaches suit HSPs, what matters, of
course, is how they suit you.  But here are a few thoughts.  At
some points probably all HSPs should be exposed to the
behavioral-cognitive methods.  As discussed in chapter 2, HSPs
benefit from fully developing the brain sWstems that give us
control over where we place our attention and how we handle
conflicts between the activation and pause-to-check systems.  As
with muscles, these attention systems are probably inherently
stronger in some.  But all of us can develop them, and the
cognitive-behaviornl approach is the best gym in town.   
This is a very rational approach, however, and generally developed
by non-HSPs who I think sometimes secretly believe that sensitive
people are just being silly and irrational.   This attitude on the
part of a therapist or book author can lower your self-esteem and
raise arousal, especially if you fail to reach the level or goal
they set for you.  It will be implied that this goal is "normal,"
but it may really be the goal of being like them or like the
majority of people, ignoring differences in temperament.  A good
cognitive-behavioral therapist, however, will be attuned to
individual differences as well as the   d   
n   
n   
d   
n  178   
The Highly Sensitive Person   importance of selfesteem and
self-confidence in all psych~ logical work.   
Also, HSPs often prefer an approach that is `~deeper" or more
intuitive rather than focused on surface symptoms.  But this sort
of bias in some of us against the practical and down- to-earth
could be a good reason in itself to explore this approach.   
HSPs and the Interpersonal Approach   
Interpersonal psychotherapy has broad appeal to HSPs, and we can
learn a great deal from it.  We discover our intuitive abilities,
our depths.  We become skilled in very close relationships.   With
some interpersonal metho1s, our unconscious becomes our ally
instead of a source of symptoms.   
The disadvantages are that HSPs can stay too long in interpersonal
therapy just because we are so good at working through those
details.  A good therapist, however, will insist that you do your
inner work on your own when you appear ready.   lISPs can also use
this kind of therapy to avoid being out in the world, although a
good therapist will not allow that, either.   
Finally, there is usually a strong attraction to the therapist with
whom we make all these explorations-what is called a positive or
idealizing transference.  For HSPs this is often especially strong,
which can make therapy expensive to stay in and almost impossible
to leave.   
More About Transfrrence   
Actually, a strong, positive transference or attachment to the
therapist can happen with any of these approaches, so it deserves
further comment.   
Transferences are not always positive.  They are thought to be the
transfer of repressed feelings you once had toward important others
in your life, so anger, fear, and all the rest are possible.  But
positive feelings usually predominate, increased by -- gratitude
toward the therapist, the hope for help, and the displacement of
all sorts of other feelings onto this target.   
A strong positive transference has many benefits.  By want-  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
179   ing to be like the therapist or liked by him or her, yt)u
will change in ways you otherwise never would have attempted.   
By facing the fact that the therapist cannot be your mother, lover,
or lifelong friend, you face a bitter reality and learn to handle
it.  By realizing the nature of the feelings-this person seems
perfect, it would be heaven to be with him or her-you can think
about where such strong feelings might be more appropriately
directed.  Finally, it can be nice to enjoy the help and company of
someone you like so much.   
Still, the transference can be the equivalent of an intense love
affair with a person who cannot reciprocate.  (And if your
therapist does, it is unethical behavior.  You are seeing the wrong
therapist and need more professional help to get you out of the
situation, as you probably cannot on your own.)  As such, it can be
an unexpected, unwanted, rough experience.  A strong transference
affects your selfesteem in that you may feel utterly dependent and
ashamed.  It affects others you're close to who feel your deep
attachment to this new person.  If the transference prolongs your
therapy, it will affect your budget.  It has to be considered, and
the time to do so is before getting into therapy.   
There are many reasons why transference could be stronger for HSPs. 
First, it is stronger when the unconscious wants big changes made
but the ego cannot or will not make them.  HSPs frequently need to
make such vast changes in order to be more out in the world, or
less, or in order to be "liberated" from their oversocialization or
acceptance of cultural biases against them, or simply to come to
better terms with this aspect of their personality.  Second,
psychotherapy contains all the elements described in chapter 7 that
cause people to fall in love and HSPs to fall in love harder.  The
therapist whom you choose will obviously seem desirable to you,
wise and capable.  You will experience her or him as liking you. 
And you are going to share everything you feared no one would
listen to or accept~verything you feared even thinking about.  This
makes the situation very arousing.   
I'm not at all suggesting that you should avoid therapy because you
might develop a strong transference.  Indeed, it may be a sign that
therapy is needed.  And in the hands of a competent therapist, the
transference will be the greatest force for   es :0 ly al tn as   
ly   
to   
ie tn m   
a  180   
The Highly Sensitive Person   change.  But be forewarned about
attaching prematurely, to thefirst therapist you meet, or long past
the point where you have received all the benefits you could from
this particular other person.   
HSPs and the Physical Approach   
HSPs can especially benefit from physical approaches when we need
to stop a psychological situation that is threatening to spiral out
of control physically and mentally.  Maybe you are losing sleep,
feeling tired and depressed or terribly anxious or both.  The
causes of such downward spiraling can vary greafly.   I have seen
a physical solution, usually medication, work on depressions caused
by a virus, a failure at work, the death of a close friend, and
getting into painftil issues in psychotherapy.  In all cases it
made sense to stop the spiral physically because there was no way
the person could think differently until the body was calmer.   
The most usual method is medication.  But I have also seen an HSP
halt the same spiral by taking a vacation to a new place in the
warm tropics, forgetting problems for a while.  Upon returning, the
person took up the old issues with a fresh perspective and
physiology.  In another case, instead of taking a trip, this person
had to come home from a vacation to stop a spiral of anxiety.  What
was needed was less stimulation.  Your intuition can be a fine
guide for knowing exactly what you need to do physically to change
your mental chemistry.   
A third case responded to careftil nutritional guidance.  Al'
humans vary greatly in their nutritional needs and the foods they
need to avoid, and HSPs seem to vary even more so.  Especially if
we become chronically aroused, we will need extra nutrients right
when we are probably paying least attention to such things.  We may
even lose our appetites or have poor digestion so that we are
receiving very little of what we need from what we do eat.  Good
nutritional advice is very important for HSPs.   
On one point we seem to vary less, and that is how quickly we crash
when hungry.  So keep eating small, regular meals no matter how
busy or distracted you become.  If you are an HSP  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
181   with an eating disorder, you are certain to be headed for
serious trouble until you solve it, and there are many resources
out there for doing just that.   
I also want to mention the powerftil influence of fluctuations in
levels of reproductive hormones, which I suspect, again, affect
HSPs more.  The same is true of thyroid hormone production.  All of
these systems are linked together, affecting cortisol and brain
neurotmnsmitters dramatically.  One hint that hormones are the
problem is the kind of inexplicable mood swing in which you are
feeling okay one hour, and the next, everything seems hopeless,
worthless.  Or similar huge variations in energy or mental clarity. 
 
With all physical approaches, from medications to massage, remember
that you're very sensitive!  In the care of medications, ask to be
started at the lowest dosage.  Choose your body worker carefully
and talk about your sensitivity with the person beforehand.  Your
mentioning it usually calls up for the person a set of experiences
with other people like you, and she or he will know just what to
do.  (If that does not happen, you probably cannot work with the
penson.)   
Be aware that there can be strong transferences to body workers,
just as to psychotherapists.  This is especially true if they work
on your psychological issues, too.  This combination, in fact, can
be so intense that I think it is often unwise, at least for HSPs. 
The longing to be held, comforted, understood, can be explored and
to some extent gratified either through words or touch.  But both
from the same person is too much like what you may long for and be
just too confusing or upsetting.   
If your therapist does work both with your thoughts and your body,
be especially careftil to inspect the person's credentials and
references.  They should have years of training in interpersonal
psychology, not just body work.   Ir.   
0- Se es   
ly al in as   
ly   
to   
id   
m   
m   HSPs and Spiritual Approaches   
Spiritual approaches often appeal most to HSPs.  Spiritual
resources were used by almost every HSP I interviewed who had
needed to do some kind of healing inner work.  One reason HSPs are
drawn to the spiritual is that we are so inclined to   a-   
In  182   
The Highly Sensitive Person   look inward, Another is that we sense
that we could master distressing situations if we could calm our
arousal by seeing things differently-transcend, l()ve, tnist.  Most
spiritual practices have the goal of achieving exactly that sort of
perspective.  And many of us have had spiritual experiences that
have indeed been reassuring.   
Still, there are disadvantages or at least dangers to a spiritual
approach, especially when it is followed exclusively.  First, we
may be avoiding other lessons, like learning to get along with
people or undenstanding our bodies, thoughts, and feelings. 
Second, there can be positive transferences to spiritual leaders or
movements, too, and often these leaders and m(wements are unskilled
in helping you grow beyond that sort of ovendealization.   They may
even foster it, since these feelings make you ready to do whatever
they suggest, and they're certain that that is good for you.  I'm
not speaking just of `cults." One can feel the same sort of
overidealization for a nice minister of a mainstream church and
have it mishandled much the same.   
Third, most spiritual paths speak of the necessity of sacrificing
the self, the ego, one 5 personal desires.  Sometimes one is to
abandon one's self to God, sometimes to the leader (often easier
but far more questionable).  I think there comes a time in life
when some kind of sacrifice of the ego's perspective is exactly
right.  There is some tnith in the Eastern view that the ego's
desires are the source of suffering and that focusing backward, on
our personal problems, distracts us from the present, our true
responsibility.  and keeps us from preparing for what lies ahead,
beyond the personal.   
However, I have seen many HSPs abandon their ego too soon.  It is
an easy sacrifice if you think your ego is not worth much.  And if
you know someone who has ttiily managed to abandon the ego, such a
person so glows with spirituality that you cannot help but want to
do the same.  But a charismatic glow is no guarantee.  It may
simply reflect a quiet, stress-free, well-disciplined life rare
enough in these times.  The glowing saintlike soul may still be a
mess psychologically, socially, and sometimes even morally.  It can
be as though bright lights are on upstairs but the lower floons are
dark and unkempt.   
Real redemption or enlightenment, as much as it can be  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
183   achieved in this world, comes thmugh hard work that does not
skirt tough personal issues.  For HSPs, the toughest task of all
may have nothing to do with renouncing the world but involve going
out and being immensed in it.   
Is Psychothempy Useful for HSPs Without Specific   
Adult or Childhood Prnblems?   
If you have no serious traumas or early wounds to heal, you may
decide that with the knowledge this book provides you will not need
any other help with your life, at least for now.   
Psychotherapy, however, is not necessarily about fixing problems or
alleviating symptoms.  It can also be about gaining insight,
wisdom, and developing a partnership with your unconscious.  Of
course, you can learn greatly about doing inner work from other
places-books, seminars, conversations.  Many good therapists, for
example, are writing books and giving courses.  But having an
especially keen mind, intuition, and inner life, HSPs tend to gain
much from psychotherapy.  It both validates these qualities and
frirther hones them.  As these treasured parts develop,
psychotherapy becomes a sacred space.   There is nothing quite like
it.   
Especially for HSPs-Jungian Analysis   
and Jungian-Oriented Psychotherapy   
The fori~ of psychotherapy I recommend most to HSPs is
Jungian-onented therapy, or Jungian analysis, following the methods
and aims of Carl Jung.  (If there are childhood traumas to work
with, however, one must be certain the Jungian also has training in
these areas.)   
Jung's approach emphasized the unconscious, as do all "depth
psychologies," such as Freudian psychoanalysis or object- relations
approaches, all of which would fall into the category of
`interpersonal." But the Jungian approach adds the spiritual
dimension by undenstanding that the unconscious is trying to take
us somewhere, to expand our awareness beyond our narrow ego's
consciousness.  The messages are coming to us all the   td   
a  1'i   
184   The Highly Sensitive Person   time, as dreams, symptoms, and
behaviors that our ego considers to be problems.  We need only to
pay attention.   
The purpose of Jungian therapy or analysis is, first, to pro vide
a container in which frightening or rejected material can be
examined safely.  The therapist is like an experienced guide in the
wilderness.  Second, it teaches the client to be at home in that
wilderness, too.  Jungians do not seek cures but a lifelong
engagement in the process of individuation through communication
with the inner realms.   
Because HSPs have such close contact with the unconscious, such
vivid dreams, and such an intense pull toward the imaginal and
spiritual, we cannot flourish until we are experts on this facet of
ourselves.  In a sense, Jungian depth work is the training ground
for today's royal-advisor class.   
You are in `Jungian analysis" when you see a Jungian analyst,
someone trained by one of the Jungian training institutes.  
Usually, analysts are already competent therapists and can use any
approach that seems beneficial, but they obviously prefer Jung's. 
Jungian analysts hope to work with you for several years, perhaps
two times a week.  Analysts usually charge more because of their
extra training.  You can also see a nonanalyst, a Jungian-oriented
psychotherapist.  But you will want to ask what kind of training is
behind the `Jungian Some have the benefit of extensive reading,
counse work, internships, or a long personal analysis.  The
personal analysis is especially important.   
Some Jungian training institutes offer lower fees if you are
interested in seeing someone still learning-an "analyst candidate"
or `~psychotherapy intern." These people will be skilled and
enthusiastic, so you may be getting a bargain.  The only problem is
that finding a good match with your personality, considered
essential in Jungian work, may be harder to achieve.   
Also, beware of Jungians with outdated sexist or homophobic
attitudes.  Most Jungians have attitudes in tune with their culture
rather than Jun~g's Victorian Switzerland.  They are encouraged to
think independently.  Jung himself once said, "Thank God I am Jung
and not a Jungian." But a few follow Jung's quite narrow ideas
about gender and sexual preference.  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
185   
)r.   
0-   Some Final Obsenallons About HSPs   
and Psychotherapy   
First, do not be a people pleaser and put up with a therapist who
makes himself or herself the center of the process.  The therapist
should be a container large enough that you're not constantly
bumping into the container's ego.  Second, don't be tOO charmed by
the intense personal attention (available from most good
therapists) dunng the first few sessions.  Take your time to commit
yourself.   
Once the process has begun, appreciate that it is hard work and not
always pleasant.  A strong transference is only one example of the
kinds of inexplicable forces that are loosed by telling your
unconscious it is now free to express itself a bit.   
Sometimes psychotherapy just gets too intense, tOO
overarousing-more like a boiling cauldron than a safe container. 
If it does, yt)u and your therapist need to discuss how to control
that.  Maybe you need a break, some sessions that are more calm,
supportive, and superficial.  A break may actually speed up your
progress, even if it appears to be slowing it down.   
Psychotherapy in its broadest sense is a collection of paths toward
wisdom and wholeness.  If you are an HSP with a troubled childhood,
it is almost essential that you take that path.   Depth work
especially can also be a kind of playground for the HSP.  Whereas
others feel lost, we are as at home there as anyone dares to claim
to be.  This big, beautiftil wilderness lets us travel through all
kinds of terrain.  We camp happily for a while with anything
useful-books, courses, and relationships.  We become companions
with experts and amateurs discovered along the way.  It's a good
land.   
Don't let society's attitudes keep you away either when it makes
your path the latest hot fad or a source of jokes.  There is
something here for HSPs that sometimes others cannot fully
appreciate.   se es to .ly al 3n as ed to   
ly   
of   
to   
If,   
ad he im   
ed aan  186   
The Highly Sensitive Person   Working With What You Have Learned  

Assessing the Wounds of Childhood   
If you know that your childhood was reasonably happy and
uneventftil, you can skip this assessment, or you can use it to
appreciate yt~ur good fortune and increase your compassion for
others.  Skip it, tOO, if you have worked through your childhood
issues to your present satisfaction.   
For the rest of you, this task can be upsetting, so skip it if it
doesn't seem like the time in your life for such history searching. 
Even if your intuition says go ahead, be prepared for some
aftershocks.  As always, consider therapy if you feel more distress
than you can handle.   
For those who proceed, go down the list and check what applies to
you.  In addition, put a star by anything that happened in the
first five years, a second star if it happened before you were two. 
If the situation continued for a long time (define long however
seems right to you), circle your check or stars.   Do the same if
the event still seems to nile your whole life.   
These little checks, stars, and circles will give you some idea of
where the biggest issues lie, without trying to attach numbers.   
- Your parents were unhappy about the signs of your sensitivity
and/or were unusually poor at dealing with it.   
- You were clearly an unwanted child.   
- You were cared for by multiple caretakers who were not your
parents or other loving people close to your family.   
-- You were intmsively overprotected.   
- You were forced to do things you feared, overriding your own
sense of what was okay for you.   
- Your parents thought something was basically wrong with you
physically or mentally.   
- You were dominated by a parent, sister, brother, neighbor,
schoolmate, etc.   
- You were sexually abused.   
- You were physically abused.  Healing the Deeper Wounds   
     187  r.   - You were verbally abused-taunted, teased, shouted
at, criticized constantly~~r the sel�image mirrored back to you by
close others was extremely negative in any way.   
- You were physically not well cared for.  (You didn't get enough
to eat, etc.)   
- You were given little attention, or the attention you received
was entirely due to your exceptional achievements.   
- You had a parent or close other who was an alcoholic, a dmg
addict, or mentally ill.   
You had a parent who was physically ill or disabled much of the
time and unavailable.   
- You had to take care of one or both parents, physically or
emotionally.   
- You had a parent whom a mental health professional would
recognize as being narcissistic, sadistic, or in some other way
extremely difficult to live with.   
- At school or in your neighborhood you were the victim-a target of
abuse, teasing, etc.   
- You had other childhood traumas besides abuse (e.g.,  major or
chronic illness, injury, handicap, poverty, a natural disaster,
your parents were under unusual stress due to unemployment, etc.). 
 
Your social environment limited your opportunities and/or treated
you as inferior clue to your being poor, a minority, etc.   
- There were major changes in your life over which you had   
no control (moves, deaths, div~~rce, abandonment, etc.).   
- You felt a stmng sense of guilt over something you felt you   
were at fault for and could not discuss with anyone.   
- You wanted to die.   
You lost your father (thmugh death, divorce, etc.),  were not close
to him, and/or he was not involved in your upbringing.   
- You lost your mother (through death, divorce, etc.),  were not
close to her, and/or she was not involved in raising you.   
- Either of the above two were cases of clear and voluntary
abandonment or a rejection of you personally, or you believed yt)u
lost your parent through some fault or behavior of your own.   I- 
 
e   
`5   
0   
y   
I]   
n   
`5   
d  188   
The Highly Sensitive Person   - A brother, sister, or other close
family member died or was otherwise lost to you.   
- Your parents fought continually and/or were divorced and fought
over you.   
- As a teenager you were especially troubled or suicidal, or you
abused drugs or alcohol.   
- As a teenager you were in constant trouble with authorities.   
Now that you are done, look at the pattern of checks, stars, and
circles.  If there aren't many, celebrate and express your
gratitude where it is due.  The presence of quite a few has
probably brought up fresh pain or fear of being deeply flawed or
damaged.  Let the frill picture of your history come to the fore. 
 Then bring into focus your own best traits, talents, and
accomplishments, plus all the helpfol people and events that offset
the negative.  Then spend a few moments (maybe take a walk) to
honor the child who endured and contributed so much.  And consider
what he or she needs next.   9    
[)r.   
0- ~se ~es to ~ly eal   Medics, Medications, and HSPs   an   
as   
;ed   
to   "Shall I Listen to Prozac or Talk   
Temperament With My Doctor?"   to   In this chapter we'll consider
how your trait affects your response to medical care in general;
then you'll learn about the specific medications you might be
taking or be offered because of your trait.   
Ways Your Trait Affects Your Medical Care   
. You're more sensitive to bodily signs and symptoms.   
. If you don't lead a life suited to your trait, you'll develop
more stress-related and/or `~psychosomatic" illnesses.   
You're more sensitive to medications.   
. You're more sensitive to pain.   
. You'll be more aroused, usually overaroused, by medical
environments, procedures, examinations, and treatments.   
In "health care" environments your deep intuition cannot ignore the
shadowy presence of suffering and death, the human condition.   If, 
 
id   
m   
m   
a   189  The Highly Sensitive Person   Given all of the above and the fact
that most mainstreammedical professionals are not HSPs, your
relationships with them are usually more problematic.   
The good news is that yt)u can notice problems before they are
major and be wonderfolly aware of what helps.  As mentioned in
chapter 4, highly sensitive children not living under stress have
unusually good health.  A long-ter'~ study of adults who had been
conscientious in childhood-true of most HSP~ found that they were
unusually healthy as adults.  This was not true of shy adults. 
This suggests that HSPs are capable of excellent health but need to
work out their social life and ease their social discomforts so
that they have the stress-free, su~ portive life they need.   
But let's discuss the problems implied by the above list, for those
concern you more.  Being unusually aware of subtle physical signs
means that you are hound to have many false alarms.   This should
be no problem; you go to a doctor and ask.  If you are still
uncenain, you get a second opinion.   
Sometimes it is not that simple, though, is it?  Doctors can be
busy, insensitive people these days.  Typically, you come into his
or her office a little nerv~~us and overaroused.  You're aware of
something small, but it concerns you or you wouldn't have made an
appointment.  You know it's pmbably going to turn out to be nothing
and the doctor will see you as overly fussy.  You know that both
your sensitivity to the subtle and your overarousal due to
anticipated social discomfort are obvious.   
Meanwhile, the doctor shares the culture~s bias in mistaking your
trait for shyness and intmvension and in viewing these, in turn, as
less mentally healthy.  Furtheri~ore, for some doctors especially,
sensitivity is a dreaded weakness they had to repress in order to
survive medical school.  So they project that part of themselves
(and the weakness they associate with it) onto patients with any
sign of it at all.   
In short, there are many reasons the doctor may begin with the
assumption that with you in particular this faint symptom is "all
in your head" and usually hints at that eventually.  (Of course,
the mind and body are so closely linked that it could have begun
with a psychological stressor, but doctors are not  Aledics, Medications, and HSPs   
     191  r.   well trained to deal with these.)  You do not want
to seem neurotic by protesting but wonder if yt~u were heard, if
you were well examined, if everything is really all right.  You
feel embarrassed and do not want to be any trouble.  But you go
away still worrying, which leaves you wondering if you really are
neurotic.  And you may decide next time to ignore your symptoms
until they are so obvious any doctor could see them.   
The solution is to find a doctor who fully appreciates your
trait-which means that the penson will take seriously your ability
to pick up on subtle aspects of your health and reactions to a
treatment.  A doctor should be delighted by such an excellent alarm
system.  At the same time, knowing your sensitivity, he or she can
be fl~e calm expert and reassure you when there is probably nothing
wrong, after all.  But this reassurance should be respectful, not
on the basis of an assumption that something is wrong with you
psychologically.   
You should be able to find such doctors, especially if you are
armed with this book for them to read.   
Your sensitivity to medications is quite real.  It could be
increased by overarousal due to being worried about the side
effects (and most drugs have them, so you're not being neurotic
there).  Or you could be overaroused about something else at the
time when you took the first dose.  So you may want to wait and see
how you do with the medication after you settle down.   
When you're sure you're reacting wrongly to a medication, believe
it.  There are enormous variations in sensitivity to drugs.  
Expect your medical professionals to work with you on this in ~
respectful way.  If they don't, then remember that you are the
customer-go elsewhere.   
As for overarousal due to other treatments and procedures,
appreciate that you're being faced with new, intense sensations,
often threatening invasions of your body.  The solutions are,
first, to explain to whoever is doing the procedure that you are
highly sensitive.  If your explanation is self-respectful, you'll
generally be respected.  Indeed, your self-disclosure will often be
appreciated.  The person doing the procedure can take extra
measures to make it easier for you.   
You, indeed, should be aware of what works best in re   e   
a   
d   
0   
de     192  The Highly Sensitive Person ducing your arousal.  Some of
us do better with everything explained as the person goes along;
others prefer silence.  Some prefer a friend with them; others want
to be alone.  Some do fine with extra pain- or anxiety-reducing
medication; others find the loss of control while medicated even
more distressing.  Furthermore, there is much that you can probably
do for yourseff.   You can become familiar ahead of time with as
much about the situation as possible.  You can calm, center, and
soothe yourseff in all the ways you know how.  And you can comfort
yourseff afterward with loving undenstanding and acceptance of any
in- tense reaction you had.   
Sensitivity to pain also varies greatly.  For example, some women
feel almost no pain in childbirth, and research on them has found
that such women rarely feel pain ever in their lives.   The reverse
is no doubt also true-that some feel a great deal of pain during
their life.  My research has found that HSPs usually experience
more pain.   
Our state of mind affects pain perception some, so it always helps
if you can be a kind, loving, understanding, calm parent to your
infant/body when it is in pain.  It is also essential that you
communicate about your extra sensitivity to pain to those who can
help.  If they are well informed on the topic, they will take your
reaction as a normal variation in human physiology and treat it
appropriately.  (But remember, you also may be more sensitive to
pain-relieving medications.)   
Obviously the bottom line is that you are often more aroused than
the average patient.  Even assuming your health professional is
smart enough not to treat your arousal as a nuisance or a sign of
disturbance, it still makes things more difficult.  For example,
your ability to communicate your thoughts decreases.   
The solutions are several.  You can come with a written list of
questions and take notes.  You can bring someone with you to listen
and ask the questions you do not think of.  (That way, too, there
is another memory to check afterward.)  And you can explain your
difficulty.  Let the professional calm you down with some chitchat
or whatever method he or she prefers.  You can also compensate for
your arousal by asking the person to re  Medics, Medkations.  and HSPs   
193   peat instnlctions and to be available for follow-up calls to
answer the questions you did not think of.   
Keep in mind, tOO, that it is common to feel an attachment to
anyone you have been with during an arousing experience, especially
if it was a truly painful or emotionally significant ordeal.  In
the medical realm you hear these sorts of extra feelings when
people describe their surgeon or women talk about the person who
delivered their child, which is perfectly normal.  The solution is
simply to know why it happens and compensate for it appropriately. 
 
Overarousal is hard.  There's just no getting around it.  And in
medical situations.  with pain and aging and death all right in
your face, it gets harder.  Still, living life aware of death makes
sense to me, provided it increases your appreciation of the moment. 
When the awareness is too intense, you can always enjoy that handy
univensal defense called denial.  And let your friends or lamily
gather around you to help.  They have fliced or will confront these
questions someday, too.  This is not the time to feel you~re odd or
a burden.  We~re all in it together.   r.   
:0   
ly   
al   
tn   
:0   
ly   Rewriting Medical His to ry   
Now might he a good time to do some reframing of your medical-care
experiences in light of your trait.   
Think of one to three significant experiences of illness and
medical care, especially hospitalizations or childhood experiences. 
Then follow the familiar three steps.  First, think about how
you've always undenstood those experiences, probably with the help
of the attitudes of the medical profession-that you're ~too
sensitive,~' a difficult patient, imagining your pain, neurotic,
and so fonh.  Then consider these experiences in the light of what
you now know about your trait.  Finally, consider if there~s
anything that needs to be done because of this new knowledge, such
as looking for a new doctor or giving this book to her or him.   
Also, if this has been a difficult aspect of your life, look at
`Practice Dealing in a New Way With Medical Professionals."   ie  

1-   
n  194   
The Highly Sensitive Person   PRACTICE DEALING IN A NEW WAY WITH
MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS   
I.  Think of a medical situation that for you is overarousin&
socially uncomfortable, or otherwise problematic.  Maybe it is your
response to being undressed except for a hospital gown, to certain
kinds of examinations, or to having blood drawn, teeth drilled, or
getting a diagnosis or report that is delayed or unclear.   
2.  Think about this situation in the light of your trait including
your trait's potential positive role.  For example, you will notice
sooner if there is a problem and be more conscientious about
following instructions.  But above all, think about what you need
(and have a right to have) to make the situation less arousing.  
Remember, everyone should be working to see that your body is not
flooded with cortisol, since the medical outcome will be better,
too, if you are calm.   
3.  Imagine how you will get what you need.  It may be something
you can do for yourself.  But it probably involves at least a
little bit of communicating about your sensitivity to a medical
professional.  So write out a script for yourself.  Be sure it
conveys self-respect and will generate respect from others without
being rude or arrogant.  Have someone whose opinion you trust look
at your script.  Someone involved in health care would be ideal. 
Then role-play the conversation with them.  Have them tell you
afterward how they felt as you spoke.   
4.  Think about how you can apply what you have practiced to the
next time you receive medical care.  At that time you may want to
return to these points and practice more in order to turn the
imagined into reality.   
A Caution About Medical Labels for Your Trait   
As you know, doctors are rapidly become aware of just how much our
mental attitudes affect the immune system and illness.   They are
also aware that some people more than others seem   `I  Medics, Medkafions, and HSPs   195   
)r.   
0-   to have thoughts and feelings that could contribute to
illness.   But because they are focused on illness, they often fail
to consider whether there could be some positive aspects to a
personality type which may seem to accompany some illness.  I say
~seem" because they also miss the cultural prejudices toward some
pensonality types that might really be doing the damage.   Indeed,
they can unwittingly perpetuate the prejudice by proclaiming with
all of their professional authonty that a certain kind of
personality or trait is unhealthy or negative.   
The signs of prejudice against sensitivity are easy enough to spot
once you learn to read between the lines, to catch those
descriptions of sensitivity as a "syndrome" or that such people are
`.out of balance~ or `frequently lose control" or are
"overreacting" or "unable to perceive accurately" due to bodies
with `excessive" this or "abnormal" that.  Remember these are
usually medical judgments from a warrionking's perspective of what
is out, lost, over, accurate, excessive, and abnormal.   
Do remember, however, that there may be times when you truly do
feel you have lost your balance, are out of control, and are
overreacting.  HSPs in a highly stimulating world are bound to,
especially those who've had a very stressful childhood or personal
history.  At such times please do let health professionals help you
with medication, even if they go about it in a warrior-king way. 
(Just be sure to insist on starting with low doses.)   But remember
it is not y~~ur trait that is to blame, but the world into which
you and it were born, and are constantly being challenged to adapt
to or change.   se   
es   
to   
ly   
al   
tn   
as   
:0   
ly   
to   Wby Take Prozac and Other Drugs?   
I have suggested several times that you talk to your health
professionals about your trait.  However, if you do, sooner or
later you may be offered a `~psychoactive" medication as a
permanent solution-probably an antidepressant, such as Prozac, or
an antianxiety dnig, such as Valium.  Indeed, many of you have
probably already tried these medications.  They can be very helpful
if you are in a crisis or need a temporary means to control your
overarousal or its effects, such as not sleeping or eating well.  
The deeper question is whether you should take something   ie fl fl 
 
d   
n  196   
The Highly Sensitive Person   more or less permanently to ~cure"
your trait.  Many doctors think you should.  For example, when I
first told my own family doctor about this book, he was quite
excited.  ~This problem is really undertreated by medicine," he
said.  "It's shameful.  But thank God it's easily cured, just like
diabetes." And out comes his prescription pad.   
I know he only meant to be helpftil.  But I told him, with some
sarcasm, I fear, that I would try to hang on a little longer
without his help.   
You, however, might feel that the disadvantages of your trait are
outweighing the advantages or that you would like to see if a
medication would change the expression of your trait.  Then you
might want to try the long-term use of a medication with the goal
of changing the basic way your brain functions.  But I believe an
HSP should be well informed before making that decision.   
It is probably clear by now that the rest of this chapter will not
be about telling you what to do; it is about informing you and
helping you think through all the issues.   
Medications in a Crisis   
There is an important distinction between taking psychoactive
medications in a crisis and using them to make a long-term
personality change.  Sometimes medication is the easiest or even
the only way out of a vicious circle of overarousal and lack of
adequate frinctioning by day, normal sleep by night.  In these
situations you may find a doctor, like my family doctor, almost too
eager to prescribe.  Or you may find the other extreme, one who
feels that painful states of mind should always be suffered
through, especially if the cause is "external," like bereavement or
anxiety about a performance.  The best solution is for you to
decide ahead of time what you would do in a crisis.  Then you can
find a doctor whose philosophy concerning such medications suits
yours.  If you wait until you are in a crisis, you and others, too,
may feel you are hardly in a state to be making big decisions. 
Thus, there is bound to be pressure for you to do whatever the
handiest doctor tells you.  Medics, Medications, and HSPs   
     197  Dr.   Instant Arousal-Stopping Medications   
There are countless psychoactive drugs, but two are given most
frequently to HSPs.  The first type is the fast-acting
`~antianxiety" dnigs, such as Librium, Valium, and Xanex (most make
you sleepy-sometimes an advantage, sometimes not-but Xanex does
not).  All of them stop arousal in its tracks in just a few
minutes.  (As you understand now, arousal does not have to be
anxiety, so do not accept the label "anxiety prone." Arousal can
just be ovenstimulation.)   
Many people swear by these medications for getting to sleep or
dealing with a performance or stressful times in their lives
period.  However, while the effects are short-lived, if taken for
long, these drrigs are addictive.  Whenever a new antianxiety
medication appears, it is usually claimed to be less addictive than
its predecessors.  But it seems likely that all diiigs that rapidly
move us into our optimal level of arousal, from underarousal or
overarousal, have to be addictive to some degree.  Alcohol and
opiates move us out of overarousal; caffeine and amphetamines, out
of underarousal.  All are addictive.  Indeed, anything that solves
a problem is going to be taken repeatedly unless the side effects
outweigh the benefits.   
With the substances affecting arousal, however, the brain adapts to
them, so that you need more and more to achieve the same effect. 
At these levels they can start to damage various parts of the body,
like the liver or kidneys.  Moreover, the body's natural arousal
balancing act will be suppressed.   
Of course, if you are constantly overaroused, then that balancing
act will already be fouled up.  The break provided by taking
antianxiety medications now and then may be just what you needed. 
 
There are other ways, however, to change your body chemistry-a
walk, some deep breathing, a massage, a healthy snack, being held
by someone you love, listening to music, dancing.   The list goes
on and on.   
"Natural" herbal calming agents have been used since we lived in
caves.  Chamomile tea is a good example; so are lavender, passion
flower, hops, and oat teas.  Health-food stores can advise you,
often selling nice blends in the form of either tea   eoase ves to
hly eal an as ted to   
~ly   
of   
to   
If,   
he   
in  198   
The Highly Sensitive Person   bags or capsules.  You will find
individuality here as every- where-some will work on you better
than others.  Used before bed, the right one will create a sleepy
period that often does the trick.  If you are short on calcium or
magnesium, more of these minerals may calin you, tOO.  But be
careful.  `~Natural~ drugs can also be powerhil.   
The point is, your doctor may not mention these older or simpler
treatments.  He or she is visited often by drug-company
salespersons.  Nobody comes around urging doctors to prescribe a
walk or a cup of chamomile tea.   
Medications to Repair the Effects of Long-lerm Overarousal   
Antidepressants are the other approach that HSPs may be advised to
use to deal with any perceived or real disadvantages of their
trait.  In a crisis, they definitely prevent suffering and may even
save y~ur life.  (Depressed people have higher mortality rates from
suicide and accidents.)  And they may save you money in that they
can keep you working when otherwise you could not.   
Antidepressants do not necessarily eliminate all feelings.   They
can just restore a kind of safety net so that you do not drop as
low as before.  Since these deep lows may be the product of your
brain being worn out rather than ~natural" for you, it makes sense
to take something to give the brain a little help back to normal. 
Once you are sleeping and eating better, frequently you will have
no more need for them.   
Antidepressants take two to three weeks to take effect, so they are
not very addictive.  There's no immediate reward.  still, some
people find them difficult to give up, and you cannot come off them
quickly without difficulty.  I do not know of anyone who sold their
last possession to take another antidepressant, but in these milder
senses they are addictive.   
If you decide you want to take an antidepressant, go to a
psychiatrist experienced with prescribing these medication~ someone
who has built up some intuition based on years of seeing how
different people and their symptoms respond to dif~ ferent
drugs-proof again of the enormous variation among  Medics, Medications, and HSPs   
199   people.  But an expert in these medications will naturally
believe in their value, so you should go for this form of help only
after you have decided you probably want it.   
wbat Antidepressants Do   
Your brain is made up of millions of cells called neurons that
communicate with each other by sending messages through long
branches.  But the branches do not quite touch.  So when the
message reaches the end of a branch, it must cross to the next one,
a bit like taking a ferry.  For various reasons, this is a
brilliant way to build a brain.   
To jump the space between, neurons manufacture little chemical
boats called neurotransmitters, minute amounts of substances that
are released into that space.  Neurons also take back their
neurotransinitter boats when they are no longer needed.   By
releasing and then taking them back, they keep available what they
think is the right amount of neurotrnnsmitter.   
Depression seems to be caused by certain neurotransmitters being
too unavailable.  Antidepressants cause there to be more of them. 
But they do not do that by adding the neurotransinitter.  The brain
is sealed up against just that sort of fooling around, and you
cannot just add more.  Rather, you add something that can enter
fl~e brain and trick it into taking up the medication instead of
the neurotransmitters.  That keeps more of the neurotransmitter in
circulation.   
Things are even more complicated than that.  What probably happens
is that some of us also develop "too many neurotransmitter
receptors (it may be one reason why we are so sensitive to
stimuli), so that we run out of neurotransmitters sooner.   Extra
receptors probably develop during times of stress or long- term
overarousal.  Another effect of antidepressants is to reduce the
number of receptors, which seems to be why antidepressants take
effect only after two or three weeks.  It takes that long for the
receptors to be eliminated.  Or maybe that is not what the brain
does.  Actually, no one knows the details.  Back to that point in
a moment.   
Are you wondering why prolonged overarousal would ever lead to
depression or be helped by antidepressants?  When peo   y   
dte n n d  200   
The Highl   pie are stressed for a long time~veraroused-they seem
to run low on certain neurotransinitters.  (Other things, like
certain viruses, will also reduce these important brain juices.) 
Once low on them, some people stay low: depressed.  But not
everyone does, and why that is the case is not yet known.  And
being an HSP does not automatically mean you are more prone to
depression.  Long-term overarousal is the culprit.   
There are quite a few neurotransmitter-type substances, and more
are being discovered each year.  For a long time the anti-
depressants that were available worked on several
neurotransmitters.  Part of the big ftiss about Prozac is that it
works on just one neurotrnnsmitter, serotonin.  Prozac and its
relatives-Paxil, Zoloft, etc.-are called "selective
serotonin-reuptake inhibitors,' or SSRIs.  No one knows why this
selectivity is such an advantage in treating certain difficulties. 
But scientists are now trying to get to know serotonin better.   
Serotonin and Personality   
What made the book Listening to Prozac a bestseller a couple of
years ago was that Peter Kramer, its author, expressed the concerns
of all those psychiatrists who had discovered that a few people
taking SSRIs were "cured" of what had seemed to be deep-seated
personality characteristics.  One of these characteristics was an
inherited tendency to "overreact to stress." Or in our terms, to be
easily overaroused.   
As I said before, however, I think we have to be very carefril
about allowing doctors to use "overreact to stress" as a
description of our basic trait.  Who decides what is "over"?  (My
use of the term overarousal is relative to your own optimal level
of arousal.)  But what about the positive aspect of our trait and
the negative aspect of a culture in which high stress levels are
normal?  We were not really born with a tendency to "overreact to
stress." We were born sensitive.   
At any rate, Kramer raised fascinating social questions about a
drug being able to change one's entire personality.  How do we feel
about someday perhaps being able to change personalities like
outfits?  What happens to our sense of self if the self can be
changed so easily?  When a medication is taken when  Medics, Medications, and HSPs   
201   there is not enough wrong with people to label them ill-they
just want to feel a certain way-how is this different from ~street
drugs"?  Will everyone have to take Prozac, and then Super Prozac,
just to have that competitive edge of high stress tolerance?  And
a question that Kramer returns to dozens of times: What would be
lost to a society in which everyone opted to take such drugs?   
I am dwelling on Kramer's book and the reactions to it be- cause it
was widely read by doctors, who now equate sensitivity with a need
fr~r Prozac, and also because Kramer discusses the social and
philosophical issues so well.  If you are a typical HSP, you will
want to think about those issues as well as personal ones when
deciding how to respond when an SSRI is offered to you.   `r.   
es   
ly al In   
as   
ro   
ly   
of   
to   Serotonin and HSPs   
Getting at the details of why serotonin is important is difficult
because it is the neurotransmitter of choice" at fourteen different
places in the brain.  Peter Kramer thinks serotonin is a bit like
the police.  When there is plenty of serotonin, as when the police
are on patrol, things are more secure and orderly all over.   But
the improvements differ depending on the problems in each area. 
The police control traffic if there's a traffic jam and watch for
crime if that's the problem.  Similarly, serotonin ends depression
if some part of the brain is causing depression and prevents
overcompulsive and perfectionistic behavior if some part Is causing
that.  To push the analogy, with all these police around, a shadow
in a dark alley would be less likely to seem dangerous.  That would
be a major modification f(~r HSPs, with our strong pause-to-check
system.  But that is only true if more serotonin-more police in the
area-would help.   
As I read the cases in Iisteni~~ to Prozac, I could not help but
wonder how many of Kramer's patients were HSPs who just did not
know how to honor their trait and take care of them- selves in a
less sensitive society.  As a result, they were chronically
overaroused, their serotonin levels were a little low, and Prozac
helped.  Consider the other problems that Kn'~mer saw resolved with
Prozac~ompulsiveness (an overzealous attempt to   If,   
.nd   
~he   
ied   
Iaan  202   
The Highly Sensitive Person   control anxiety and overarousal?), 
low self-esteem and sensitivity to criticism (due to being a
minority that is made to feel flawed?).   
So when, if ever, should an HSP take an SSRI in order to change
long-standing personality characteristics?  Much depends on the
exact relationship between serotonin and our trait.  Alas, it is
too soon to say for sure.  (And when there are more answers, beware
of anything that is not complicated or that is applied to
everyone.)  Meanwhile, there are some hints that, again, it all
depends on how chronically overaroused you are.   
Some monkeys are born with a tendency to pause to check on new
sights and sounds.  That is our trait, minus its human advantages
of deep understanding of the past and future and our greater human
ability to control our pausing to check when we choose to.  These
monkeys behave like other monkeys most of the time.  But as
youngsters they were slower to explore and showed higher and more
variable heart rates and higher levels of stress hormones.  They
are much like the children described by Jerome Kagan, as discussed
in chapter 2.  But note that at this point they do not have less
serotonin.   
The major difference shows up when these monkeys are highly
stressed (overaroused) for a long time.  Then, compared to other
monkeys, these more reactive monkeys seem anxious, depressed, and
compulsive.  If repeatedly upset, they show these behaviors more
often, and at this point their neurotransmitters   
decrease.   
These behaviors and physical changes also show up in any monkey
traumatized in childhood by being separated from its mother. 
Interestingly, when first traumatized, what increases are the
stress hon~ones like cortisol.  But again, with time, especially
with other stressors, like being isolated, the serotonin levels
decline.  Then the monkeys are permanently more reactive.   
The point to be realized from these two studies is that what
creates the problem is chronic overarousal or stress or trauma in
childhood-not the inherited trait.  We saw the same point in
chapter 2.  Sensitive children experience more brief moments of
arousal, with its increased adrenaline, but they're fine if feeling
secure.  But when a sensitive child is insecure (or when any child
is), short-term arousal turns to long-term arousal, with its  Medics, Medications, and HSPs   
203   increased cortisol.  Eventually, serotonin is used up, too
(according to the studies with monkeys).   
This research is important for HSPs.  It makes very concrete why we
need to avoid chronic overarousal.  If our childhood progn~mmed us
to be threatened by everything, then we must do the inner work,
usually in therapy, that will change that programming even if it
takes years.  Kramer cites evidence that a permanent susceptibility
to overarousal and depression can develop and real harm can be
clone if serotonin levels are not returned to normal.  So we want
to stay secure, rested, and serotonin-strong.  This keeps us ready
to enjoy our trait's advantages, the appreciation of the subtle. 
It means that the inevitable moments of overarousal do not lead to
increased cortisol over days and decreased serotonin over months
and years.  If we have blown it, then we can still correct the
situation.  But it takes time, and we may want to use medication
for a while to help make this correction.   se es :0   
ly al in as   
:0   
ly   
ro   
a-   Serotonin and Being a Victim   
Another fact you may hear is that dominant monkeys, of at least
some very dominance-prone species, have more serotonin.  Just
increasing the serotonin in a monkey of this type makes it dominant
over its fellows given a drug that decreases serotonin.   Putting
a monkey of this type at the top of a dominance hierarchy increases
the serotonin in its brain.  Removing it from that status decreases
serotonin.  Here is another reason why doctors may want to increase
your serotonin-to help you be more dominant and successful in a
dominance-oriented society.   
1 really do dislike equating "timid" monkeys with highly sensitive
humans, who differ in having more of exactly what makes humans so
human (foresight, intuition, imagination).  But if HSPs are apt to
run out of serotonin, I do have to wonder what is causing what. 
There seems to be the assumption that we're less dominant because
we may be low on serotonin.  But maybe in some cases at least it's
a sense of being flawed, of being low in the dominance hierarchy,
that reduces our serotonin.  Could a low serotonin level and
depression and all the rest arise from stress due to HSPs being
"put down" in this culture?   [f,   
id   
m  204   
The Highly Sensitive Person   Consider what might be the serotonin
levels of "shy, sensitive" Chinese children who (according to the
study described in chapter 1) are the admired leaders of their
classes.  Imagine the serotonin levels of their counterparts in
Canada, who are at the bottom of the classroom hierarchy.  Maybe we
do not need Prozac.  Maybe we need respect!   
Should You Try to Change Your Trait With an SSRL~   
I wish I had data on the effects of these medications on non-
depressed HSPs.  But then, their effects on the average HSP still
would not say much about the effect on you.  It is well known that
an antidepressant that ends depression in one person may do nothing
for another.  It should be the same for medications that affect
pensonality.  As explained in chapter 2, there are undoubtedly many
ways to be highly sensitive.  That is one reason to beware of
trendy single explanations for everything, such as serotonin, when
thinking about your trait.   
Here are some of the issues I would consider in making a decision. 
First, how dissatisfied are you with younself as you are?   Second,
are you willing to take a medication for the rest of your life in
order to maintain the changes that you like?  That decision
requires carefully considering the potential side effects and
delayed long-term effects, none of which are yet known about such
a new drug.   
The main side effect is that, for at least 1u15 percent, these new
medications behave a little like a stimulant such as amphetamine
(something played down by Prozac's manufacturer, Eli Lilly).  Some
people on Prozac have complained of sleeplessness, intense dreams,
uncontrollable restlessness, trembling, nausea or diarrhea, weight
loss, headache, anxiety, excessive sweating, and teeth grinding in
their sleep.  One solution has been to prescribe an antianxiety
drug, usually at night, to counteract the agitation.  But I for one
would be a bit put out to find I now had to take two heavy-duty
medications.  And the second one is habit forming.   
Many of the HSPs I know who have taken Prozac and similar drugs
later stopped because the medication was not that much help or
because they did not like the stimulant effects.   --Wi  Medics, Medications, and HSPs   205   One possibility is that the
behavioral activation system discussed in chapter 2 is being
stirred up to counteract the pause-to-check system.  So these
medications might work befter if your "problem" is a quiet
activation system.  Those in whom both systems are strong might be
the ones becoming too agitated.   
These medications sometimes affect sexual performance, especially
in men.  One study has found that Prozac affects memory; another
did not.  One animal study may have found that antidepressants
promote tumor growth, but earlier studies did not.  To know if this
is a serious problem in humans will take time.  Also, SSRIs are
very dangerous when mixed with certain other drugs, especially
other antidepressants, because having too much serotonin is
harmfril and can even cause death.   
There's no free lunch, is there?   
All of this is not to scare you or stop you from taking anti-
depressants, especially in a crisis.  (However, on average, the
older antidepressants are just as effective for depression.  The
side effects are more unpleasant, but these drugs have been used
longer and seem to have no serious ill effects.)  I only want to
make you an informed consumer.  You will not get the whole story
from Listening to Prozac.  Kramer deliberately did not discuss
Prozac's side effects, being more interested in the social impact
of a class of medications that he assumes will eventually be freed
of major side effects.  He also minimizes the individual
differences that could cause a few people to have very bad
reactions.  Nor can you expect to get the whole story from the drug
manufacturers making money on these enorn~ously profitable
medications or the family doctons who are known from research to
overestimate the value of the most highly advertised medications. 
Even the accompanying little sheet of paper with the warnings of
the side effects are produced by the drug companies, who obviously
do not worry their consumers more than absolutely necessary.   
Prnzac's Shadow   
To learn more about Prozac's shadow, you may want to read Peter and
Ginger Breggin's Talking Back to Prozac.  They provide a different
if sometimes perhaps overalarming perspective   Ir.   
Cs :0 ly   
al in as   
:0   
ly   
ro   
If,   
Id   
m   
m   
ain   206   
The Highly Sensitive ~rson -   on the drug industry, with its tOO
intimate role in the drug- approval process in the United States. 
The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) does not do the research on
a new medication; it only oversees it.  The studies are done by
researchers who often are financially connected to the
manufacturers.  After approval, if new side effects appear, a
company naturally minimizes them.  If there is a lawsuit, it is
quietly settled out of court.  Indeed, Eli Lilly has offered to pay
the legal expenses of any doctor sued for malpractice while
properly administering Prozac.   
The Breggins also point out that all the research on these new
medications has been on their use for a few months, as a treatment
for major depression.  In these cases the brain is ol> viously not
behaving properly, and the goal is to return it to normal range. 
No one knows the effects of taking them for the purpose of removing
an unwanted but basically normal, inherited trait in an otherwise
healthy person.  Antidepressants do not just add something missing. 
They take weeks to become effective because they dramatically
change the structure of neurons.   Also, no research has been done
on their effects on young pe~ ple, although these medications are
prescribed for them.   
The first of each family of antidepressants, including Prozac, was
discovered by accident.  Exactly how they work is not known.  And
they certainly d&~are supposed t~inteffere day after day with
business as usual in the brain.  Thus, the Breggins scorn the
upbeat metaphons about Prozac enabling your doctor to "fine-tune"
or `restore balance" in the brain by "enhancing neurotransmitters."
In the Breggins' opinion, the prescribing doctor is `more like a
clumsy office colleague spilling his coffee into your
computer~xcept Prozac is much more   
tent than caffeine and your brain is far more vulnerable and easily
damaged than your computer."   
Yes, the Breggins seem to see a bit of the devil in Prozac.   But
there is a bit of the devil in all of us, and it is best to know
about it rather than pretend othei~'ise.   
A psychophysiologist who makes his living doing animal research on
these medications for pharmaceutical houses told me that he is
convinced that companies are catering to our desire fi~r a quick
fix that simply does not exist.  According to him,  Medics, Medkations, and HSPs   
207   most of our problems require self-knowledge, usually through
hard work in psychotherapy.   
Actually, Peter Kramer agrees:   
Psychotherapy remains the single most helpful technology for the
treatment of minor depression and anxiety.   The belief~spoused not
infrequently by health-care cost- cutters in the managed care'
industry~that medication can obviate psychotherapy conceals, I
believe, a cynical willingness to let people suffer .  .  .  [and]
serves as a pretext for denying patients psychotherapy.   ?r.   
0- se   
es :0 ly   
a]   
in as   
:0   I stopped writing down page numbers ft~r references when I
reached twenty places where Kramer expressed his concern about a
society in which Prozac was used too freely, making people more
bland, self-centered, and insensitive.  At the same time, he is
also critical of "pharmacological Calvinism" that argues that if a
medication makes you feel good, it must be morally bad.  That pain
is a privileged state.  That art is always the product of a
tortured, suffering mind.  That only the miserable have deep
thoughts.  That anxiety is necessary fi~r an authentic existence. 
These are important social questions that we lISPs must ponder when
considering medication that is not to get us through a crisis but
to change our basic approach to life~ur pensonality.   ly   I
realize that some or even many of you are already taking an SSRI. 
Others of y~u will decide to.  Besides any benefits you're getting,
you're also important contributors to our knowledge about these
medications, just as those who don't take it will be the "control
group."   
Kmmer wonders if these medications will take away our sense of a
stable self.  I'm not so sure.  Every month many women go through
similar drastic changes in their moods and basic physiology.  They
still know who they are.  They simply appreciate that they are
complicated.  Perhaps they understand that they are several
ovedapping selves, different at different times.   In the case of
a medication, you're deciding which person you   id   
ie   
rn   
an  208   
The Highly Sensitive Person   want to be.  Who is deciding?  Some
solid inner witness to it all.   Your awareness of that part of
younself will grow as never before.  And you'll think about the
person you want to be and he freer to choose than ever before.   
It is an exciting time for an HSP to be alive.  Maybe when you
picked up this book you did not even know you were what you are. 
Now, when speaking up for your trait with medical professionals and
experimenting with your trait's underlying physiology (or refusing
to), you're one of the pioneers.  So who cares if we get a little
overaroused now and then?  Keep it under control and keep on
sailing.   
Working With What You Have Learned   
Wbat You Would Change If a Safe Pill   
Would Change It   
Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.   On the
left make a list of everything about yourself even vaguely related
to your sensitivity that you would like to eliminate if there were
a safe pill that would do it.  This is your chance to be totally
annoyed by the disadvantages of being an HSP.  It is also your
chance to dream of the perfect personality- changing pill.  (This
exercise is not about use of medications when you are in crisis,
depressed, or suicidal.)   
Now, for each item you wrote on the left, put on the right side
what might be lost from your life if that negative effect of your
sensitivity were eliminated by this miraculous pill.  (Like all
pills, your pill cannot maintain a paradox.)  An example not
related to the trait: "Stubbornness" goes on the left, but without
it you might lose "pensistence," which goes on the right.   
If you want, attach a 1, 2, or 3 to each item on the left according
to how much you would like to be rid of it (3 being most) and on
the right according to how much you want to keep it.  A much higher
total on the left suggests that you might want to keep looking for
a helpful medication (or that it is still difficult for you to
accept who you are).   10   
Ir.   
CS   
:0   
ly   
a]   Soul and Spirit   
wbere True Treasure Lies   0   
iy   
.0   There is something about HSPs that is more soulful and
spiritual.  By soul I mean that which is more subtle than the
physical body but still embodied, like dreams and imagination;
spirit transcends yet contains all that is soul, body, and world. 
 
What role should soul and spirit play in your life?  Several
possibilities take a bow in these last pages, including a
psychological view that we are destined to develop the wholeness so
needed in human consciousness.  After all, we have a deep talent
for being aware of what others miss or deny, and it is ignorance
which does the damage, again and again.   
However, this chapter also has its share of other, less
psychological voices, both angelic and divine.   
Four Telltale Signs   
Thinking back, I see it was almost a historical moment: the first
gathering of HSPs, on the campus of the University of California at
Santa Cruz, on March 12, 1992.  I had announced a lecture on the
results of my interviews and first surveys, inviting those who had
participated plus interested students and therapists, most of whom
turned out to be HSPs, too.   d e n n d   
n   209  210   The Highly Sensitive Person   What I noticed first was the
silence in the room before I began.  I had not thought about what
to anticipate, but polite quiet would have made sense.  This was
even a little more than mere quiet, however.  There was a palpable
silence, as in a deep forest.  An ordinary public room had been
changed by the presence of these people.   
When I was ready to speak, I noticed the courteous alert- ness.  Of
course, the topic mattered to them.  But I felt them with me in a
manner that I now associate with all audiences of HSPs.   We tend
to be people very interested in ideas, taking each concept and
pondering all its possibilities.  We are also supportive.   We
certainly try not to ruin something for others by whispering,
yawning, or entering a room or leaving at inappropriate times.   
My third observation comes from my courses for HSPs.  I like to
take several breaks, including one together in silence, to rest,
meditate, pray, or think, as each chooses.  I know from experience
that a certain percentage of the average audience will be confused,
even distressed, by such an opportunity.  With HSPs I have never
noticed even a hesitation.   
Fourth, about half of those I interviewed talked most about their
soul/spirit life, as if that defined them.  With the others, when
I would ask about inner life, philosophy, relationship to religion,
or spiritual practices, suddenly these voices had new energy, as
though I had finally gotten to the point.   
Feelings about "organized religion" were very strong.  There were
a few who were very committed, the rest were dissatisfied, even
disdainful.  But unorganized religion thrived; about half followed
some daily practice that took them inward to touch the spiritual
dimension.   
Below is some of what they had to say.  Reduced to glimpses, it
became almost a poem.   
Has meditated for years, but `lets the experiences go.   
Prays daily: "You get what you pray fbr.'   
"I practice myself; I try to live a life true to animal and human
nature."   
Meditates daily.  Has no "faith" except a faith that all will be
okay.  Soul and Spirit   
211   K~1ou?s there is a spirit, a greater power, a guiding furce. 
 "If I had been a man, I would have been a Jesuit.   ~Everything
alive is important; there's something greater, I kno~'~.   
"We are how we treat other people.  Religion?  It would be a
comfort if I could believe.   
`Tanism, the force at work in the `univense: Let go of struggle." 
 
Started talking to God when five, sitting in the trees; Is guided
by a voice during crises, is visited by angels.   Twice-daily deep
relaxation.   
"We're here to protect the planet."   
Meditates twice daily; has had "oceanic experiences, a few days of
lasting euphon'a; but spin'tual life is incremental, requiring
undenstanding, too."   
`~I was an atheist until Alanon."   
`I think about Jesus, about the saints.  I have tidal waves of
spiritual feelings.   
Meditates, has visions, her dreams fill her with "radiant energy;
many days are filled with overwhelming joy and grace.   
At four years of age heard a voice promise her she would always be
protected.   
Says life is good, in all, but it is not for comfort.  It is for
learning about God.  It builds character.   
"I am attracted and repelled by the religion of my childhood but
always touched by the transcendent, the mysteries, which I do not
know what to do with.   
Many religious experiences.  His purest came when his child was
born.   
Bypassed her religion, went directly to God (through meditation)
and to the needy.   
Practices with a group a spin'tual method from Indonesia, dancing
and singing to achieve a "natural state of existence which is
deeply blissful."   )r.   
0-   
se   
es   
ly   
a!   
Lfl   
as   
:0   
ly   
td  212   
The Highly Sensitive Person   Prays each morning for a half hour,
reflecting on the past   
day and the one to come-"the Lord gives insight, corrects,   
shows the path."   
"I believe that when we are born again in Christ we are   
given abilities to develop so we can live our lives in the   
glory of God."   
"Trtie religious experiences manifest in daily life as faith in   
all events being for the good."   
"I am a Buddhist-Hindu-pantheist: Everything happens as it   
is supposed to; have frin at all costs; walk with beauty   
above, below, and behind."   
"I ofien feel one with the universe."   
wbat We Are Good At- W~at's It Good For?   
I have mentioned four repeated experiences I have had with HSPs:
spontaneous deep silence creating a hallowed kind of co!  lective
presence, considerate behavior, soul/spirit directness, and insight
about all of this.  These four are strong evidence to me that we,
the royal-advisor class, are the "priest" class, supplying some
kind of ineffable nourishment to our society.  I cannot presume to
label it.  But I can offer some observations.   
Creating Sacred Space   
1 like the way that anthropologists speak of ritual leadership and
ritual space.  Ritual leaders create for others those experiences
which can only take place within a ritual, sacred, or transitional
space, set aside from the mundane world.  Experiences in this sort
of space are transformative and give meaning.  Without them life
becomes drab and empty.  The ritual leader marks off and protects
the space, prepares others to enter it, guides them while there,
and helps them return to society with the right meaning from the
experience.  Traditionally, these were ofien initiation experiences
marking life's great transitions-into adulthood, marriage,
parenthood, elderhood, and death.  Others were meant to heal, to
bring a vision or revelation that gave di- rection, or to move one
into closer harmony with the divine.   
Today sacred spaces are quickly made mundane.  They re   �;  Soul and Spirit   213   quire great privacy and care if they are to
survive.  They are aslikely to be created in the offices of certain
psychotherapists as in churches, as likely to occur in a gathering
of men or women dissatisfied with their religion as in a community
practicing its traditions, as likely to be signaled by a slight
change in topic or tone in a conversation as by the donning of
shamanic costume and the outlining of a ceremonial circle.  The
boundaries of sacred space today are always shifting, symbolic, and
rarely visible.   
While bad experiences have caused some HSPs to reject anything
striving to seem sacred, the majority feel most at home in such a
space.  Some almost spontaneously generate it around themselves. 
Thus, they frequently take on the vocation of creating it ft~r
othens, making HSPs the priest class in the sense of creating and
tending sacred space in these aggressively secular- warrior times. 
 )r.   
0- se es   
to   
ly   
al in as   
:0   
ly   
3f   Prophesytng   
Another way to look at HSPs as "priests" comes from psychologist
Marie-Louise Von Franz, who worked closely with Carl Jung.  She
writes about what Jungians call the introverted intuitive type, the
majority of HSPs.  (To those who know you are not both or even one
of these types, I apologize for excluding you for a moment.)   
The introverted intuitive type has the same capacity as the
extraverted intuitive for smelling out the future.  .  .  .  But
his intuition is turned within, and therefore he is primarily the
type of the religious prophet, of the seer.  On a primitive level,
he is the shaman who knows what the gods and the ghosts and the
ancestral spirits are planning, and who conveys their messages to
the tribe.  ...  He knows about the slow processes which go on in
the collective unconscious.   
Today many of us are artists and poets rather than prophets and
seers, producing a kind of art that von Franz says "is generally
only understood by later generations, as a representation of what
was going on in the collective unconscious at that time." Still,
traditionally, prophets shape religion, not art, and we all can see
that something very strange is happening to religion today.   d   
e  214   
5t3e Highi)' Sensitive Person   Ask yourself if the sun rises in
the east.  Then see how you feel about your "wrong" answer. 
Because, of course, you are wrong.  The sun does not rise.  The
earth turns.  So much for personal experience.  We cannot trust it,
or so it seems.  We can only   
trust science.   
Science has triumphed as the Best Way to Know Anything.   But
science is simply not designed to answer the big spiritual,
philosophical, and moral questi()ns.  So we almost behave as if
they must not be important.  But they are.  They are always being
answered, implicitly, by a society's values and behaviors-whom it
respects, whom it loves whom it fears, whom it leaves to languish
unhoused and unfed.  When these questions are addressed explicitly,
it is usually by HSPs.   
But today even HSPs are not sure how they can experience or believe
in anything that cannot be seen, especially given all the things
once believed in that science proved untrue.  We hardly believe our
senses, much less our intuition, when the very fact of the sun's
rising is our foolish human mistake.  Look at all the dogma that
the priests or priest class once insisted upon.  So much of it is
"now proven wrong,' or worse, found to have been only self-serving. 
 
Not all of the blows to faith have conte from science directly. 
There is also communication and travel.  If I believe in heaven and
a few billion people on the other side of the planet believe in
reincarnation, how can we both be right?  And if one part of my
religion is wrong, is the rest of it?  And doesn't the study of
comparative religion show that it is all just an attempt to find
answers for natural phenomena?  Plus a need for comfort in the face
of death?  So why not live without these superstitions and
emotional crutches?  Besides, if there is a God, how do you explain
all the troubles in the wofid?  And while you are at it, explain
why so many of those troubles have been caused by religion?  And so
the skeptical voices speak.   
There are many responses to the retreat of religion.  Some of us
totally agree with the skeptics.  Some hang on to some kind of
abstract force, or goodness.  Some hold firmer than ever to their
traditions, becoming frindamentalists.  Others reject dogma as a
source of great trouble in the world, yet enjoy the rituals  Soul and Spirit   
215   and certain tenets of their religious tradition.  Finally,
there is a new breed of religious beings seeking direct experience,
not the lessons of authon'ties.  At the same time, they know that
for some reason others have different experiences, so they do not
try to proclaim their experience as Truth.  They may be the first
humans to have to live with a direct spiritual knowledge that is
recognized as fundamentally uncertain.   
There are HSPs in every category.  But from my interviews and
courses, I believe that the majority are in the last group.   Like
explorers or scientists, each probes the unknown area, then comes
back to report.   
Except many of us are hesitant to report.  The entire business of
religion, conversion, cults, gurus, and New Age beliefs can be so
messy.  We have all felt embarrassed for our fellow humans who
carry pamphlets and have a fanatic's glint in their eyes.  We're
afraid of being seen that way, too.  HSPs have been marginalized
enough as it is in a culture that favors the physical over the soul
and the spirit.   
Yet the times need uS.  An imbalance between the royal- advisor and
warrk~r-king aspects of society is always dangerous, but especially
when science negates intuition and the "big questions" are being
settled without thoughtfulness but according to what is convenient
at the moment.   
Your contn'butions are needed in this area more than any other.  
y   
If   
0   Whether your religion is organized or unorganized, it has some
precepts.  I suggest that you write them down, right now if
possible.  What do you accept, believe, or know from your
experience?  As a member of the royal-advisor class, it's good to
be able to put this into your own words.  Then, if you sense that
someone would benefit from hearing them, you can articulate them. 
If you don't want to commit yourself or be dogmatic, make your
uncertainty and unwillingness to preach your very first precept. 
Having beliefs doesn't mean they're unchanging, certain, or to be
imposed on others.   if,   
m   
m  216   
The Highly Sensitive Person   How We Inspire Others in the Search
for Meaning   
If you're uncomfortable with the role of prophet, I don't blame
you.  However in an "existential crisis" you still may find
yourself elevated to a soapbox or even a pulpit.  It happened to
Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who was imprisoned in a Nazi
concentration camp.   
In Man `S Search for Meaning Frank! (an obvious HSP) describes how
he often found himself called upon to inspire his fellow prisoners,
how he intuitively understood what they needed and how badly they
needed it.  He also observed that, under those awful circumstances,
prisoners who could gain from others some kind of meaning in their
lives survived better psychologically.  and therefore physically as
well:   
Sensitive people who were used to a rich intellectual life may have
suffered much pain (they were often of a delicate constitution),
but the damage to their inner lives was less.  They were able to
retreat from their terrible surroundings to a life of inner riches
and spiritual freedom.   Only in this way can one explain the
apparent paradox that some prisoners of a less hardy make-up often
seemed to survive camp life better than did those of a more robust
nature.   
For Frankl, meaning is not always religious.  In the camps, he
sometimes found his reason to live was helping others.  At other
times, it was the book he was writing on scraps of paper or his
deep love for his wife.   
Etty Hillesum is another example of an HSP who found meaning and
shared it with others during those same difficult times.  In her
journals, written in Amsterdam in 1941 and 1942, one can hear her
striving to understand and transform her experience, historically
and spiritually-and always inwardly.   Slowly, a gentle, quiet,
personal victory of the spirit grows out of her fear and doubt. 
One can also hear in her anecdotes how much people began to find
her a deep comfort.  Her last words, written on a scrap of paper
and thrown from a cattle car headed for Auschwitz, are perhaps my
favorite quote from her: "We left the camps singing."  Soul and Spirit   
217   
?r.   
0-   Etty Hillesum leaned heavily on the psychology of Jung and the
poetry of Rilke (both HSPs).  About Rilke, she wrote:   
It is strange to think that .  .  .  [Rilke] would perhaps have
been bruken by the circumstances in which we now live.  Is that not
further testimony that life is finely balanced?   Evidence that, in
peaceful times ,and under favorable circurustances, sensitive
artists may search for the purest and most fitting expression of
their deepest thoughts so that, during more tud~ulent and
debilitating times, others can turn to them for support and a ready
response to their bewildered questions?  A response they are unable
to formulate for themselves since all their energies are taken up
in looking after the bare necessities.  Sadly, in difficult times
we tend to shrug off the spiritual heritage of artists from an
"easier" age, with "~~~hat use is that sort of thing to us now?"  

It is an understandable but shortsighted reaction.  And utterly
impoverishing.   se   
es   
ly   
al   
tn   
as   
ly   
to   Whatever the times, suffering eventually touches every life. 
 How we live with it, and help others to, is one of the great
creative and ethical opportunities for HSPs.   
We HSPs do a great disservice to ourselves and others when we think
of ourselves as weak compared to the warrior.  Our strength is
different, but frequently it is more powerful.  Often it is the
only kind that can begin to handle suffering and evil.  It
certainly requires equal courage and increases with its own type of
training.  Nor is it always about enduring, accepting, and finding
meaning in suffering.  Sometimes actions involving great skill and
strategy are called for.   
One freezing winter night during a blackout, a barracks filled with
despairing inmates begged Frankl to speak to them in the darkness. 
Several were known to be planning suicide.   (Besides the
demoralization caused by suicide, everyone in a barracks was
punished when one occurred.)  Frank!  called on all his
psychological skills to find the right words and spoke them into
the darkness.  When the lights came back on, men surrounded him to
thank him, tears in their eyes.  An HSP had won his own kind of
battle.   I,   
id   
ie   
m   
m   
a    ` `.  `  218   The Highly Sensitive Person   We Lead in the Search for
wboleness   
In chapters 6 and 7 1 described the individuation process interms
of getting to know one's inner voices.  In this way you find your
own meaning in life, your own vocation.  As Marsha Sinetar wrote in
Ordinart' People As Monhs and Mystics, "The point of full
personhood .  .  .  is this: that whoever finds out what is, fi~r
him, good and holds fast to it becomes whole." I would only add
that what one holds fast to is not a fixed goal but a process. 
What needs to be heard may change from day to day, year to year. 
Similarly, Frank!  always refused to comment on the single meaning
of life.   
For the meaning of life diffens from man to man, from day to day
and from hour to houn .  .  .  To put the question in general terms
would be comparable to the question posed to a chess champion,
"Tell me, Master, what is the best move in the wofid?" There simply
is no such thing as the best or even a good move apart from a
particular situation in a game.  .  .  .  One should not search for
an abstract meaning of life.   
The pursuit of wholeness is really a kind of circling closer and
closer through different meanings, different voices.  One never
arrives, yet gets a berter and better idea of that which is at the
center.  But if we really circle, there is little chance for
arrogance because we are passing through every sort of experience
of ourselves.  This is the punsuit of u~hoieness, not perfection,
and wholeness must by definition include the imperfect.  In chapter
7 I described these imperfections as one's shadow, that which
contains all that we have repressed, rejected, denied, and disliked
about ourselves.  Conscientious HSPs are as full of unpleasant
traits and unethical impulses as anyone else.  When we choose not
to obey them, as we should, they do not go away entirely.  Some of
them just go underground.   
In getting to know our shadow, the idea is that it is better to
acknowledge our unpleasant or unethical aspects and keep an eye on
them rather than to throw them out the front door "for good," only
to have them slip in the back when we're not looking.  Usually the
people who are the most dangerous and in danger, morally speaking,
are those who are certain they would   �.  Soul and Spirit   219   never do anything wrong, w'h() are totally
sel�righteous and have no idea that they have a shadow or what it
is like.   
Besides the greater chance of behaving morally that comes with
knowing about your shadow, its energies bring vitality and depth to
a pensonality when integrated in a consci()us way.  In chapter 6 I
spoke of "liberated," nonconforming, highly creative HSPs. 
Learning a little about one's shadow (you never know a l()t or
enough) is the best and perhaps only way to be free of the
straitjacket of oversocialization that HSPs often don in childhood. 
The conscientious, eager-to-please HSP in you meets and gains the
contributions of a powerful, scheming, self-aggrandizing,
confidently impulsive HSP.  As a team in which each respects and
checks the other's inclinations, they- you-are something fine to
have in the world.   
This is all part of what I mean by pursuing wholeness, and HSPs can
lead in this kind of important human work.  Wholeness has a
particular demand on HSPs because we are born at the extreme end of
a dimension-the dimension of sensitivity.   Furthermore, in our
culture we are not just a minority but one that is considered to be
far from the ideal.  It might seem that we need to go to the other
end, from feeling weak, flawed, and victimized to feeling strong
and superior.  And this book has encouraged that a little, up to
now.  I considered it to be a necessary compensation.  But for many
HSPs the real challenge is to achieve the middle ground.  No more
"too shy" or "too sensitive" or too anything.  Just okay, ordinary,
normal.   
Wholeness is also a central issue for HSPs in relation to the
spiritual and psychological life because so often we are already
good at the spiritual and psychological.  In fact, if we persist in
these to the exclusion of everything else, we are being one- sided. 
It is very hard for L'S to see that the most spiritual thing might
be to be less spiritual, the most insightful psychological stance
might be to dwell less on our psychological insights.  A call to
wholeness rather than perfection might be the only way to get the
message.   
Beyond those two general statements, the direction toward wholeness
is a very individual matter, even for HSPs.  If we've stayed in,
we'll be tempted out or finally forced out.  If we've been out,
we'll have to go in.  If we've armored ourselves, we'll finally  
e   
`S   
0   
y   
LI   
n   
d   
0   
:0   
If,   
he ed Iaan  220   
The Highly Sensitive Person   have to admit to our vulnerability.
But if we've been timid, we'll start to feel all wrong inside until
we're more assertive.   
In respect to Jungian attitudes of introversion and extraversion,
most HSPs need to be more extraverted in order to become more
whole.  I have heard the story that Martin Buber, who wrote so
eloquently about the "I-Thou" relationship, said his life was
changed one day when a young man came to him for help.  Bube felt
he was too busy meditating and generally being holy to appreciate
the young man's visit.  Soon after, his visitor died in battle. 
Buber's devotion to the `I-Thou" attitude began when he heard that
news and saw the one-sideness of his introverted spiritual
solitude.   
The Pursuit of wboleness Through   
the Four Functions   
Again, no one achieves wholeness.  Embodied human life has
limits-we cannot be fully both shadow and light, male and female,
conscious and unconscious.  I think people have tastes of
wholeness.  Many traditions describe an experience of pure
consciousness, beyond thought and its polarities.  It comes to us
deep in meditation, and an awareness saturated with it can become
the foundation of our lives.   
As soon as we act in this imperfect world, however, using our
imperfect bodies, we are simultaneously a perfect being and an
imperfect one.  As imperfect beings, we are always living only
one-half of any polarity.  For a while we are introverted, then
must become extraverted to balance it.  For a while we are strong;
then we are weak and must rest.  The world forces us to be one
limited way at any particular time.  "You can't be both a cowboy
and a fireman." Our limited body adds to the limits.  All we can do
is constantly try to get back in balance.   
Often the second half of life must balance the first half.  It is
as though we have worn out or become utterly bored with one way of
being and have to try its opposite.  The shy person sets out to
become a stand-up comic.  The person devoted to serving others gets
burned out and wonders how he or she ever became so "codependent." 
Soul and Spint   
     221  r.   In general, anything that has been our particular
specialty has to be balanced by its opposite, what we are bad at or
afraid of trying.  One polarity Jungians talk about is the two ways
of taking in information, through sensation (just the facts) or
intuition (the subtle meanings of the facts).  Another polarity is
the two ways of deciding about the information we take in, through
thinking (based on logic or what appears to be universally trtie)
or feeling (based on personal experience and what appears to be
good for ourselves and others we care about).   
We each have our specialty from among these four
`functions"-sensing, intuiting, thinking, and feeling.  For HSPs it
is often intuition.  (Thinking and feeling are both common among
HSPs.)  However, if you are introverted-as are 70 percent of
HSPs-you use your specialty mainly in your inner life.   
While there are tests designed to tell you which is your specialty,
Jung thought we could learn more from careful observation of which
function we are worst at.  This is the function that regulafly
humiliates u5.  Do you feel like a rank amateur when you want to
think logically?  Or when you have to decide how you personally
feel about something?  Or when you need to intuit what is going on
at a subtle level?  Or when you must stick to the facts and details
without elaborating, getting creative, or going off into imaginary
realms?   
No one becomes equally skilled at using all four functions.   But
according to Marie-Louise von Franz, who wrote a long paper on the
development of the ~infenor function," working to strengthen this
weak and bumbling part of ourselves is an especially valuable path
toward wholeness.  It puts us in touch with what is buned in the
unconscious and therefore makes us more in tune with all of it. 
Like the youngest, most foolish brother in the fairy tales, this
function is the one that comes home with the gold.   
If you are an intuitive type (more likely for HSPs), your inferior
function would be sensing-sticking to the facts, dealing with the
details.  Limits in the sensing function show themselves in
individualized ways.  For example, I consider myself quite
artistic, but in an intuitive way.  Words are easier for me,
although I tend to have too many ideas and to say too much.  I find
it very hard to be artistic in a more concrete, limited   e   
0   
y   
il   
n   
d   
0   
y   
0   
[d  222   
The Highly Sensitive Person   way-to decorate a room or office to
figure out what to wear.   I enjoy dressing nicely but usually make
do with what others have bought for me.  Because the real problem
in both cases is that I cannot stand to shop.  There are so many
things to overstimulate and confuse me.  Plus I must come to a
final decision.  All of these-the sensory stimulation, the
practical issues and the decisions-are usually very difficult for
an introverted intuitive.   
On the other hand, some intuitives are great shoppers.  They can
see the possibilities in something others overlook and how it will
look in a particular setting.  It is difficult to make
generalizations about what intuitives are good at.  It is better to
think about style.  Math, cooking, map reading, running a business-
each can be done intuitively or "by the book."   
Von Franz notes that intuitives are more often completely taken
over by sensual experiences-music, food, alcohol or drugs, and sex. 
They lose all common sense about them.  But they're also very
intuitive about them, seeing beyond the surface to the rueaning.  

Indeed, the problem when trying to get in touch with the inferior
function, sensing in this case, is that the dominant function often
steps in, anyway.  Von Franz gives the example of an intuitive
taking up work with clay (a good choice for developing sensing
because it is so concrete) but then becoming caught up in how good
it would be if clay work were taught in all the schools and how the
whole world would be changed if every- one shaped something in clay
each day and how right there in the clay one can see the whole
univense, in microcosm, the meaning of life!   
Eventually, we may have to work with our inferior function mainly
in imagination or as a very private sort of play.  But according to
Jung and von Franz, it is really an ethical imperative to take the
time for it.  Much of the irn~tional collective behavior we see
involves people projecting their inferior function onto others or
being vulnerable to appeals to their inferior function, which the
manipulative media and leaders can exploit.  When Hitler was
promoting German hatred of the Jews, he appealed to the inferior
function of the particular group to which he spoke.  When he spoke
to intuitives, those with infe  Soul and Spirit   
223   rior sensing, he described the Jews as financial tycoons and
evilmanipulators of markets.  Intuitives are often impractical and
bad at making money (including intuitive Jews).  Intuitives can
easily feel inferior and ashamed about their poor business sense,
which makes it a short step to feeling victimized by anyone better
at it.  How nice to blame someone else for one's own lack.   
To feeling types with inferior thinking, Hitler portrayed the Jews
as unfeeling intellectuals.  To thinking types with inferior
feeling, he said the Jews were selfishly pursuing Jewish interests
without any universal, rational ethics.  And to sensing types with
inferior intuition, the Jews were hinted to possess secret,
magical, intuitive knowledge and powers.   
When we can spot our inferior function's inferior reactions- its
"inferionty complex"-we can put a stop to this sort of blaming. 
Thus, it is part of our moral duty to get to know exactly how we
are not whole.  Again, HSPs can excel at this kind of inner work. 
 e   
[)   
y   
0   
y   
0   
I-   Dreams~ Active Imagination, and Inner Voices   
Achieving wholeness in the Jungian sense is also facilitated by
dreams and "active imagination" with those dreams, both of which
help us to become conversant with our inner voices and rejected
parts.  For myself, dreams have been more than mere information
from the unconscious.  Some have literally rescued me in times of
deep difficulty.  Still others have given information that I, my
ego, simply could not have possessed.  Others have predicted or
coincided with events in an uncanny way.  I would have to be a very
stubborn, skeptical person not to know (for myself-for no one else)
that something is there guiding me.   
The Naskapi are Native Americans scattered across Labrador in small
families.  Thus, they did not develop collective rituals.  
Instead, they believed in a Great Friend who enters each person at
birth to provide helpful dreams.  The more virtuous the person (and
virtue includes a respect for dreams), the more help the person
will receive from this Friend.  Sometimes when I am asked my
religion, I think I should say, "Naskapi."   td   
m     224  The Highly Sensitive ~rson Angels and Miracles, Spirit
Guides   
and Syncbronicities   
So far I have discussed HSPs' spirituality in terms of their
special leadership in the human search for ritual space, religious
understanding, existential meaning, and wholeness.  Some of you are
wondering when I will talk about your own most significant
spiritual experiences~f visions, voices, or miracles, and of
intimate personal relationships with God, angels, saints, or spirit 
 
guides.   
HSPs have these experiences in abundance.  We seem especially
receptive to them.  Receptivity seems to increase at certain times
in one's life, to~for example, when in depth psychotherapy.  Jung
called these experiences synchronicities, made possible by an
"acausal connecting principle." His point was that besides the
connections we know about~bject A exerting force on object
I#something else not (yet) measumble connects things, too.  Thus,
they can influence each other from a distance.  Or they're close
but in other, nonphysical ways.   
When objects or situations or people are connected by virtue of
belonging together, that implies an unseen organization- some
intelligence, plan, or perhaps an occasional compassionate, divine
intervention.  When my clients report one of these events, I try
gently to point out that something very significant has occurred
(although I leave it to the person to decide the meaning).  I also
urge writing down all such experiences so that their sheer number
begins to carry some weight.  Otherwise, they are buried by the
mundane, derided by the inner skeptic, left orphaned by the lack of
`logical explanations."   
Again, these are essential moments, which HSPs are especially
suited to enjoy and champion.  In the mourning and healing process,
which can be a large aspect of the aware life, they point to that
which is beyond personal suffering or to a meaning within it, one
which at times we despair of finding.   
Debornh's Visitors   
A series of synchronicities began for Deborah with a snowstorm,
rare in the Santa Cruz Mountains.  In our interview she recalled
that at the time she was "depressed, dead, stuck in a  Soul and Spirit   
225   TAKING UP THE TASK OF TENDING   
THE SOULISPIRIT REALM   
I invite you to keep a spiritual journal for just one month, a
testimony of all of your thoughts and experiences having to do with
the nonmaterial realm.  Every day write down your insights, moods,
dreams, prayers, and all the little miracles and "strange
coincidences." Your efforts need not be elaborate or eloquent. 
They simply make you a witness of the sacred-part of a long
tradition of journal-keepers, including Victor Frankl, Etty
Hillesum, Rilke, Buber, Jung, von Franz, and so many other fellow
HSPs.   
marriage her husband did not make it home that night.  Instead, a
stranger came to her door asking for shelter.  For some reason she
did not hesitate to let him in, and they sat before her fire,
talking about esoteric mattens until late.  She had written down
for me what happened next:   
I felt a very high-pitched ringing in my ears and a great emptiness
in my head, and I knew that he was doing something to me but felt
n() fear.  After an unknown amount of time (probably only seconds? 
minutes?),  everything came rushing back into my head and the
ringing stopped.   
She said nothing to the stranger about it, and later a neighbor
came and invited the man to spend the night at his house.   The
stranger apparently left in the night-there was no sign of him at
dawn.   
But after that snowstorm cleared and the road opened I left my
marriage and began the long and entirely different road to where I
am now.  The horrid depression lifted that night and all my old
energy and good spirits returned.   So I've always thought he must
have been an angel.   d   
TI   
TI   
d   Two years later, she was visited by a more peculiar creature. 
226   The Highly Sensitive Person   One night the cat shrieked and
leapt off my legs and out the door, so I opened my eyes in alarm,
instantly awake.  There at the bottom of my bed was a "creature"
about four feet tall, hairless, not naked but in a sort of skin-
suit, with minimalist features: slits for eyes, holes for nose, no
ears, and around him was a strange light that seemed made up of
colors I didn't recognize.  I was not the least bit afraid.  He
"thought-transmitted" to me, "Don't be afraid.   I'm only here to
observe you." And I "said" back to him, "Well, I don't think I can
handle this, so I'm going back to sleep!" Which, amazingly, I did. 
 
In the morning Deborah still felt affected and did not discuss the
experience with anyone.  But after that her life took a deeply
spiritual turn, and "a whole series of mysterious and wonderful
events started happening that only tapered off after several
yeans."   
Part of this more spiritual phase led to an involvement with a
charismatic but unstable spiritual teacher~ne of those I described
in chapter 8 as having evolved unevenly, so that he fairly glowed
"upstairs" but was dark on the "lower floors" where the practical
and spiritual must cooperate in real-life, ethical decisions. 
Sensing his power clearly, his weakness and her danger only
vaguely, she prayed for guidance: "Please, if there really are
guardian angels and I've got one, will you please let me know
you're around?"   
Deborah then went to her job, at a bookstore.  As she walked to the
front of the store, she saw a book on the floor that had fallen off
one of the tables.  Picking it up, she had an impulse to open it. 
What she saw was a poem entitled "The Guardian Angel," which began
with "Yes, you do have a guardian angel, he -   
Still, she stayed with the entrancing spiritual leader a while
longer, even when he asked his followers to give him all of their
possessions.  After that she often felt she wanted to leave but had
no strength or will to start all over again financially.  But the
guardian angel seemed to remember hen One day she was alone for a
moment and moaned to herself, "I don't even have a clock radio
anymore!" The next day, while the group was on an outing using the
car that had once been hers, she was  Soul and Spirit   
     227  )r.   watching a beetle climb a dirt hill.  She thought
sadly how that beetle was freer than she was.  But then, the more
she watched it, the more she realized that she could be that free. 
So she followed that beetle up the hill.  Then she left it behind
and went out to her car, to which she happened to have the keys
because she had been asked to drive that day.   
As she got into the car to "drive off t() freed~~m," she glanced in
the back and saw a "beetle-black" clock radio just like the one she
had given over to the group.  Once she had arrived at a friend's
house, she saw that it was her own old clock radio, with the
familiar scratches.  She had no idea how it had gotten into the
car.  It seemed that it, like the rest of the day, was the work of
her guardian angel.   
It is easy to think one would never become involved in a situation
like Deborah's, but it happens often, especially to those with
strong spiritual motivations.  We seek answers, certainty.  And
some people possess that kind of certainty, radiate it, and believe
it is their mission to share it.  They have charisma, an undeniable
air around them.  The problem is that all humans are fallible, more
so when others believe they're not.   
Deborah was tempted one more time to return to this man.   A friend
warned that she was "crazy" to do it.  So Deborah prayed for
clarification.  "If I'm thinking crazily now, let me know." Then
she turned on the television.   0- ro ly   
.al in as   
to   
ly   
of   
to   There came on the screen silently-no audio at all- what was
obviously a scene from an old-style, 1950's sort of movie of an
"insane asylum," full of obviously wacko patients!  I laughed out
loud.  Then I lay down and asked for help and fell asleep.  When I
awoke, I "saw" or felt my- self ringed by a ring of roses, each of
which was protecting a difTerent part of me, and I felt the
recently departed presence of Christ.  It was the most quiet
happiness.   
By the time I interviewed Deborah, her spiritual experiences were
occurring more and more in her dreams-perhaps an indication that
her visitors had found a way to reach her without having to be
projected onto outer persons.  It is my experience with dreams that
the more we work with them, the less we are likely to fall into
bizarre situations, in life or in dreams.   If,   
nd   
he   
ed   
Ia   
an  228   
The Highly Sensitive i~rson   wben Your Spiritual Life Is Like
Tidal Waves   
I have spoken sometimes of the soul/spirit life as a comfort, andI
think it is.  But it can be intensely overarousing too, at least
until we learn to keep our feet on the ground, so to speak.  That's
hard when tidal waves are sweeping over us.  And HSPs are often in
the path of the biggest, perhaps because some of us are very hard
to get through to.  Remember Jonah?  I end this chapter and this
book with a story of just such a Jonah-like HSP.   
At the time of the following incident, Harper was a chronically
overaroused, highly intellectual HSP.  (Thinking was his dominant
function.)  He had undergone four years of Jungian psychotherapy
and really knew how to talk the talk: "Yes, God is very
real-because everything psychological is real.  God is our
comforting psychological projection of the `parent imago."' Harper
had all the answers even with just the right amount of uncertainty. 
By day.   
By night, he often woke up in deep depressions, ready to kill
himself.  There was no more uncertainty.  In the daylight he would
dismiss such nights as "nothing but the product of a negative
mother complex" due to a very painful childhood and therefore "no
real threat." But then another of "those nights" would come,
bringing such despair that death was the only solution his
intuition and logic could produce.  Something in him would try to
delay carrying out his solution, just until daylight, when the
worst of the despair always left him.   
One night he woke in such despair, however, that he was sure he
would not make it until dawn.  As he lay there, he had the very
spontaneous thought that the one way he could go on living would be
if he could be certain God really existed and cared about him.  Not
as his projection.  As someone real.  Which of course was
impossible.  Impossible to believe because it was impossible to
know for sure.   
What he wanted was some "divine sign." The thought came as
spontaneously as a drowning person's shout.  He knew it was stupid. 
But right on its heels, he told me, came the utterly spontaneous
image of an automobile accident, a minor one with a few people
standing around' afterward uninjured.  This was the sign, and it
would happen the next day.   -jj   Soul and Spirit   229   He was immediately disgusted with himself
for having the corny desire for a sign from God and a
characteristically negative idea for what it should be.  As an HSP,
Harper dreaded hassles like accidents that overaroused his body and
ruined his schedule.  Then, being half-asleep and lost in his dark
ruminations, he forgot about it.   
The next day, the car ahead of him on a freeway on-ramp braked
suddenly, and he did, too.  The car behind was following too close
and hit him from behind.  It was an accident over which he could
not possibly have had any control.   
"There was this intense flood of feeling right away.  It wasn't the
accident.  I had remembered the night before." He was filled with
fear and awe, as if he were "looking right into the face of God." 
 
The accident was minor, there were no injuries, he would just have
to replace his tailpipe and muffler.  He and the other driver and
passengers stood around, recovering and exchanging insurance
information, just as in the image the night before.   Skeptical as
he was, he did not believe that even the most unconscious of
unconscious wishes could have caused all of this.   Here was
something in an entirely new category of experiences.   A new
world.   
But did he want a new world?  Being an HSP, he was not   
sure.   
For a week he was more depressed than ever.  In the daytime,
however, not at night.  At night he slept well.  Then he realized
he had been subconsciously thinking he would now have to do
something for God in return.  Maybe give up his career and stand on
street corners professing his faith.  He saw that for him God had
always been someone who expected you to humiliate yourself for
God's sake, to pay a huge price for any comfort received, to change
your whole life, right now.  In fact, exactly what Harper always
had been expecting of himself.  Now he reasoned that coercion and
guilt did not seem to be the intention of whoever or whatever had
done this.  Coming as it had in response to the dark night of his
despair, the whole incident was supposed to be a comfort.  So he
slowly began to see it as that.  A comfort.   
But then Harper realized that to be consistent with his new   )r. 
 
0- se es to ly   
.al in as   
ro   
ly   
of   
to   
If,   
m   
m   
aLfl  230   
The Highly Sensitive Person   experience, he would have to stop
being so despairing and skeptical.  That could be quite difficult
for him.  So there was a kind of task that came with the
experience, after all.   
At this point, thoroughly confused, he tried to discuss the
incident with a few others, one of whom was as moved as he.   But
the two friends he respected most told him it was just a
coincidence.   
"That just incensed me.  For God's sake.  I mean, God did me a
favor, and am I supposed to go back and say, `That was nice but
this time I want a sign that couldn't possibly be a coincidence'?" 
 
Harper was convinced that to view the accident as a coincidence was
deeply wrong.  So he decided he would just have to grow into the
experience even if it took a lifetime.  He would have to make
himself remember it.  Ponder it.  Treasure it as much as he could. 
And be amazed that he, who had received so little comfort all his
life, had suddenly received so much more in the way of a definite
sign of love than most of the saints.   
"What a thing to happen to a guy like me,' he concluded, laughing
at himself for once.  Then he remembered my research interest. 
"What a divine mess for a sensiti~'e guy like me."   
Our Worth and Partnership   
The warrior-kings frequently tell us that it is a sign of weakness
to have faith in the reality of the soul/spirit realms.  They fear
in themsejyes anything that would weaken their kind of physical
courage and power and so can only see it as that in others.   But
we have a different kind of power, talent, and courage.  Calling
our talent for the soul/spirit life something weak or only born
from fear or from a need to be comforted is about the same as
saying fish swim because they are too weak to walk, have some
pitiful need to be in the water, and are just plain old afraid to
fly.   
Or maybe we should just turn the tables: The warrior-kings are
afraid of the soul/spirit life, too weak for it, and can't survive
without the comfort of their own view of reality.  Soul and Spirit   
     231  r.   But there's no need to sling insults as long as we
know our own worth.  The day always comes when the warrior-kings
are glad we have enough inner life to share it with them, just as
there are days when we are glad for their specialty.  Here's to our
partnership.   
Now, may your sensitivity be a blessing to you and others.   May
you enjoy as much peace and pleasure as is possible in this world. 
And may more and more of the other worlds open to you as the days
of your life pass.   -S   
0   
ly   
31   
n   
IS   
0   Working With What You Have Learned -   
Befriendin& or at Least Making Peace   
With, Your Inferior Function   y   
0   tion-preferably something you have not tried before and that
does not seem too difficult.  If you are a feeling type, you might
read a book on philosophy or take a course in theoretical math or
physics that is appropriate to your background.  If you are a
thinking type, you might go to an art museum and force your- self
for once to ignore a work's title and artist-just have a personal
reaction to every painting.  If you are a sensing type, you might
try to use the appearance of people you observe on the street to
imagine their inner experience, histories, and futures.   
If you are an intuitive type, you might plan a vacation by
gathering detailed information about where you will go and deciding
in advance on everything you will take and do.  Or if that would be
easy for you buy a new piece of complicated electronic equipment-a
computer or VCR-and use the instrnctions to set it up and explore
all of its operations.  Do not call in anyone else to help you
figure it out.   
As you gradually prepare younself to do your activity, observe your
feelings, your resistances, the images that arise.  No matter how
dumb and humiliated you feel by "these simple   d e n n d   
n  232   
The Highly Sensitive 1~~on   things you just can't do," take your
task very seriously.  According to von Franz, this is the
equivalent of a monastic discipline, but individualized for you. 
You are sacrificing the dominant function and retreating into this
other, harder way.   
Be especially watchftil of the urge to let your dominant function
take over.  For the intuitive type, once you decide on your
vacation destination, stick with it.  Protect your fragile but
concrete decision from being undermined by your imagining all the
other trips you could take.  And with that electronic equipment,
watch how strong your urge is to skip the instructions and start
doing the "obvious" with the buttons and wires.  That is all
intuition working.  But you are going to go slowly and understand
each detail before moving on to the next.  `ftps for Health-Care   
Profrssionals Working   
With Highly Sensitive People   
r.   
-S   
al   
in   But they also experience more autonomic arousal in what others
would find only moderately arousing situations.   Thus, in a
medical context they may appear more anxious or even `~neurotic.' 
 
. Rushing or becoming impatient will only exacerbate their
physiological arousal, and of course added stress does not help
them communicate with you or heal.  HSPs are usually very
conscientious and will cooperate if they can.   
. Ask HSPs what they need from you to stay calm-silence; a
distraction, such as conversation; being told what's happening step
by step; or some medication.   
Make use of the HSP's greater intuition and physical awareness-your
patient could have important information ft~r you if you listen.  

. When more aroused.  no one listens or communicates well.  
Encounige HSPs to bnng a companion to help with these tasks, to
prepare for a visit by bringing notes about questions and symptoms
and to write down instructions and read them back to you during the
visit, and to call you if they remember questions or points later. 
(Few of them will abuse this, and the -second chance" will remove
some pressure when you meet.)   
o Don't be surprised or annoyed by the HSP having a lower pain
threshold, a better response from `subclinical" dosages of
medications, or more side effects.  These are all part of their
physiological, not psychological, differences.   
. This trait doesn't necessarily require medication.  H~Ps with a
tmubled childhood do suffer from more anxiety and depression.  This
is not true of HSPs who have worked that thr~~ugh or who had a good
childhood.   
233   ly   
to   
if,   
m   
m   
a-   
In  -9',-   
Tipsfor Thachers Working   
With Highly Sensitive Students   
. Teaching HSPs requires different strategies than teaching other
students.  HSPs augment stimulation.  This means they pick up on
the subtle in a learning situation but are easily overaroused
physiologically.   
HSPs are generally conscientious and try their best.  Many of them
are gifted.  But no one pefforms well when over- aroused, and HSPs
are overaroused more easily than others.  The harder they try when
being observed or otherwise under pressure, the more they are
likely to fail, which can be very demoralizing for them.   
High levels of stimulation (e.g.,  a noisy classroom) will distress
and exhaust HSPs sooner than othens.  While some will withdraw, a
significant number of boys especially will become hyperactive.   
- Don't overprotect the sensitive student but when insisting that
the student try what is difficult, see that the experience is
successful.   
Do make allowances for the trait while the student is gaining
social stamina.  If a presentation is to be made, arrange for a
"dress rehearsal" or the use of notes or reading aloud-whatever
lowers the arousal and permits a successful experience.   
Do not assume that a student who is just watching is shy or afraid. 
It may be quite the wrong explanation, yet the label may stick.   
. Be aware of your culture's bias against shyness, quietness,
introversion, and the like.  Watch for it in yourself and in other
students.   
. Teach respect for different temperaments as you would for other
differences.   234  flpsfor Teachers   235   Watch for and encourage the creativity and
intuition that is typical of HSPs.  To build their tolerance for
group life and social status with their peers, try drama activities
or dramatic readings of works that have moved them.  Or read their
work out loud to the class.  But be careftil not to embarrass them. 
 Dr.   
0- ise ves to ~ly ~al an as :eJ to   
Ily   
of   
to   
If,   
Id   
m   
m   
3-   
n  flpsfor Employers of Highly   
Sensitive People   
Typically, HSPs are highly conscientious, loyal, vigilant about
quality, good with details, intuitive visionaries, often gifted,
thoughtful of the needs of clients or costumers, and good
influences on the social climate of the workplace.  In short, they
are ideal employees.  Every organization needs some.   
HSPs augment stimulation.  This means they're aware of subtleties
but also easily ovenstimulated.  Thus, they work better with less
extraneous stimulation.  They should have quiet and calm.   
HSPs do not perform as well when being observed for the purpose of
evaluation.  Find other ways to learn about how they are doing.   
. HSPs often socialize less on breaks or after hours, for they need
that time to process their experiences privately.  This can make
them less visible or well networked in the organization.  You need
to take this into account when evaluating their performance.   
HSPs tend to dislike aggressive selfpromotion, hoping to be noticed
for their honest hard work.  Do not allow this to cause you to
overlook a valuable employee.   
. HSPs may be the first to be bothered by an unhealthy situation in
the workplace, which could make them seem like a source of trouble. 
But others will be affected in time, so their sensitivity can help
you avoid pmblems later.   
To be informed of new developments regarding highly sensitive
people, write to P.O.  Box 460564, San Francisco, CA 94146-0564 for
the HSP Newsletter.   236  Notes   Chapter 1   
p.  6 under the same stimulation: e.g.,  j.  Strelau, "The Concepts
of Arousal and Arousability As Used in Temperament Studies," in
)empernment: Individual Liffrrences, ed.  J.  Bates and T.  Wachs
(Washington, D.C.:  Amen can Psychological Association, 1994),
117~1.   
p.  7 obsert'able d~erences: R.  Plomin, Development, Genetics and 
 
               Psychologv (Hillsdale, NJ.:  Erlbaum, 1986).      
p.   7    unobserved by others: e.g.,  G.  Edmund, D.  Schalling
and A.              Rissler, `~Interaction Effects of Extraversion
and Neuroticism on            Direct Thresholds," Biological
Psychology 9 (1979).     p.   7    carnfi~l processing of
information: R.  Stelmack, "Biological            Bases of
Extraversion: Psychophysiological Evidence," Journal             of
Personahty 58 (1990): 293311.      p.   10   on the average When
unreferenced, the point comes from                my own findings. 
When referencing studies on introversion or            shyness, I
assume most subjects were HSPs.    p.   10   avoiding making
errors: H.  Koelega, "Extraversion and Vigi            lance
Pefformance: Thinty Years of Inconsistencies," Psycholog         
     ical Bulletin 112 (1992): 239-58.       p.   10   
conscientiou�' G.  Kochanska, "Toward a Synthesis of Parental    
          Socialization and Child Temperament in Early Development
of             Conscience," Ghild Development 64 (1993): 325~7.  
     p.   10   u'ithout distractions): L.  Daoussis and S. 
McKelvie, "Musical            Preferences and Effects of Music on
a Reading Comprehension            Test for Extraverts and
Introverts," Perceprnal and Motor Skills               62 (1986):
28389.    p.   10   minor df'jerences: G.  Mangan and R.  Sturrock,
"Lability and Re              call," Personafity and Individual
Df'frrences 9 (1988): 519-23.      p.   10   `Semantic memory.  E. 
Howarth and H.  Eysenck, "Extraversion            Arousal and
Paired Associate Recall," journal of E4)erimental                
Research in Personabsy 3 (1968): 11~16.      p.   11   about our
own thinking' L.  Davis and P.  johnson "An Assess               
ment of Conscious Content As Related to Introversion-Extra- y   
d e n n d   
n   237  238   Notes              version," linagination, Cognition and
Personality 3 (198384):            14968.    p.   11   without
being aware we ha"e learned' P.  Deo and A.  Singh,              
"Some Personality Correlates of Learning Without Awareness,      
          Beham'ornmetric 3 (1973): 11-21.        p.   11   learn
lai~guages better.' M.  Ohrman and R.  Oxford, "Adult Lan        
     guage Learning Styles and Strategies in an Intensive Training
               Setting," Modern Language journal 74 (1990): 311-27. 
     p.   11   fine motor movements: R.  Pivik, R.  Stelmack, and
F.  Byisma,              "Personality and Individual Differences in
Spinal Motoneuronal                Excitability," Psychophysiology
25 (1988): 1623.    p.   11   good at holding still.' Ibid.      
p.   11   "morning people') W.  Revelle, M.  Humphreys, L.  Simon,
and K.              Gillian, "The Interactive Effect of
Personality, Time of Day, and                Caffeine: A Test of
the Arousal Model," jot~rnal of Ii:perimen             tal
Psychology General 109 (1980): 1-31.    p.   11   aftected by .  . 
.  caffeine.' B.  Smith, R.  Wilson, and R.  Davidson,           
     "Electrodermal Activity and Extraversion: Caffeine,
Preparatory              Signal and Stimulus Intensity Effects,"
Personality and Individ            ital DJ'frrences 5 (1984): 5965. 
     p.   11   more "right brained') S.  Calkins and N.  Fox,
"Individual Dif               ferences in the Biological Aspects of
Temperament," in Tern              perament, ed.  Bates and Wachs,
199-217.       p.   11   things iii the air.' e.g.,  D.  Arcus,
"Biological Mechanisms and              Personality: Evidence from
Shy Children," Advances: The Jour            nal of Mii id-Body
Health 10 (1994): 4050.       p.   11   not "chronical(y aroused')
Stell~ack, "Biological Bases,                293-311.       p.   
12   less capable (?f happiness.' e.g.,  R.  Larsen and Timothy
Kete           laar, "Susceptibility to Positive and Negative
Emotional States,"            journal of Personality and Social
PSychology 61 (1991):              132-40.        p.   13   
sensitivity is inherited.' e.g.,  D.  Daniels and R.  Plomin,
"Origins            of Individual Differences in Infant Shyness,"
Developmental            Psychology 21(1985): 11~21.        p.   
13   have older brothers and sisters are more lik4y to be HSPs: J. 
               Kagan, j.  Reznick, and N.  Snidman, "Biological
Bases of Child           hood Shyness," Science 240 (1988): 167-71. 
     p.   13   born innately sensilive: j.  Higley and S.  Suomi,
"Temperamen              tal Reactivity in Non-Human Pn'mates in
Tempemment in            Childhood, ed.  G.  Kohnstamm, J.  Bates,
and M.  Rothbart (New              Y~~rk: Wiley, 1989), 15367.  Notes   
239   
`r.       p.   14   reduce sensitivity: T.  Wachs and B.  King,
"Behaviornl Research               in the Brave New World of
Neuroscience a~d Temperament" in             Thmpernment, ed. 
Bates and Wachs, 32627.       p.   15   "every thread .` M.  Mead,
Sex and Temperament in Three            Primitive Societies (New
York: Morrow, 1935), 284.     p.   15   other traits are ignored'
G.  Kohnstamm, "Temperament in               Childhood:
Cross-Cultural and Sex Differences," in Tempera             ment in
Childhood, ed.  Kohnstaram et al.  483.      p.   15   and Yt~ernng
Sun: "Social Reputation and Peer Relationships in                
Chinese and Canadian Children: A Cross-Cuftural Study," Child    
          Development 63 (1992)133643.       p.   17   introversion
with poor mental health.' B.  Zumbo and S.  Taylor,              
"The Construct Validity of the Extraversion Subscales of the     
          Myers-Briggs Type Indicator," Canadian journal of
Behaviornl               Science 25, (1993): 59~04     p.   17   
performed better; and they do.' M.  Nagane, "Development of      
          Psychological and Physiological Sensitivity Indices to
Stress              Based on State Anxiety and Heart Rate,"
Perceptual and Motor               Skills 70 (1990): 611-14.     
p.   17   the non-sernitfte cope.' K.  Nakano, "Role of Personality
Charac              teristics in Coping Behaviors," Psychological
Reports 71 (1992):            687-90.        p.   18   protection
of the planet and the powerles�' See Riane Eisler, The           
     Chalice and the Blade, (San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1987);
               Riane Eisler, Sacred Pleasures, (San Francisco:
HarperSanFran            cisco, 1995).   -S :0 ly al tn as   
:0   
ly   
of   
to   Chapter 2   
     p.   24   greatest u'hen infants were tired: M.  Weissbluth,
"Sleep-Loss              Stress and Temperamental Difficultness:
Psychobiological              Processes and Practical
Considerations," in Temperament in                Childhood, ed. 
Kohnstamm, et al.,  357-77.        p.   24   the trt~e cause of the
cfl)ing.  Ibid.,  370371      p.   26   adapt to the caretakers M. 
Main, N.  Kaplan, and J.  Cassidy,                "Security in
Infancy, Childhood, and Adulthood: A Move to the            Level
of Representation," in Grnu'ii~ Points ofAttachment The          
     or~' and Research.  Monographs of the Society for Research in
               Child Development, ed.  I.  Bretherton and E. 
Waters, 50 (1985):            York: Basic Books, 1994).   If,   
ad   
he   
ed   
Ia-   
an  240   Notes    p.   28   only 10 percent showed low frar: Ibid., 
17~207.        p.   28   born that u~V: S.  Calkins and N.  Fox,
"Individual Differences            in the Biological Aspects," in
Temperament, ed.  Bates and             Wachs, 199-217.     p.   
29   balance of these two which creates sensitivity: Charles A. 
Nel            son, in Tempemment, ed.  Bates and Wachs, 47~2.  
     p.   31   ignored and neglected' G.  Mettetal, "A Preliminary
Repon on            the IUSB Parent Project" (paper, International
Network on Per           sonal Relationships, Normal, Ind.,  May
1991).    p.   31   the University qf Oregon: M.  Rothbart, D. 
Derryberry, and M.                 Posner, "A Psychobiological
Approach to the Development of               Temperament, in
Tempemment, ed.  Bates and Wachs,            83-116.        p.   
34   an interesting experiment: M.  Gunnar, "Psychoendocrine
Stud           ies of Temperament and Stress in Early Childhood" in
Tern           perament, ed.  Bates and Wachs, 175-98.      p.   
34   caretaker is your own mother: M.  Nachmias, "Maternal
Person              ality Relations With Toddler's Attachment
Classification, Use of             Coping Strategies, and
Adrenocortical Stress Response," (paper,               60th annual
meeting of the society for Research in Child De             
velopment, New Orleans, La.,  March 1993).        p.   35   the
more fear the more corttsol: Weissbluth, "Sleep-Loss Stress,"    
          360.      p.   35   last into adulthood ` Ibid.,  367.  
     p.   36   "archetypal" dream�' R.  Cann and D.  C.  Donden',
`Jungian Per             sonality Typology and the Recall of
Everyday and Archetypal            Dreams," journal of Personallty
and Social Psychology 50                (1988): 1021-30.    p.   
36   developed a neurnsis: C.  Jung, Freud and P~ychoana4sis, vol. 
               4 The Collected Works of C.  G.  fling, ed.  W. 
McGuire (Prince               ton, NJ.:  Princeton Univensity
Press, 1961).       p.   36   "a certain innate sensitiveness `
Ibid.,  177.        p.   37   educators and promoters .  C.  G. 
Jung, P~ychological Tpes,               vol.  6.  The Collected
Works, 404-05.   p.  37 "a prophetic jbresight') Ibid.,  401.   
Chapter 3   
p.  40 `A storm threatens .` D.  Stern, Diary' of a Baby (New York:
Basic Books, 1990) 31.   
p.  41 `All is remade .` 1bid.,  37.   
p.  41 `A baby's nen'ow~ system .` Ibid.,  18.  Notes   
241       p.   43   will cry more.  not less: S.  Bell and M. 
Ainsworth, "Infant Cry             ing and Maternal
Responsiveness," Children Development 43               
(1972)1171-90.      p.   43   %~curel~' attached" chlldren: J. 
Bowlby, Attachment and Loss,            (New York: Basic Books,
1973).    p.   45   `Enfolded in arms R.  josselson, The Space
Between Us.' Ex               ploring the Dimensions of Hu man
Relationship's (San Francisco:               Jossey-Bass, 1992),
35.       p.   54   in any darkened mom: T.  Adler, `Speed of
Sleep's Arrival Sig           nals Sleep Deprivation," The American
Psychological Associa              tion Monitor, 24, (1993): 20.  
     p.   56   (Cortisol in meditators' blood decreases.).' R. 
Jevning, A.  Wilson,               and J.  Davidson,
"Adrenocortical Activity Dun'ng Meditation,"                
Hormones and Behambr 10 (1978): 54~0.        p.   57   a powerfi~l
drug for HSPs, however Smith, Wilson, and David             son,
"Electmdermal Activity and Extraversion," 59~0.   Dr.   
ase ves to hly eal an   
as ed to   
~ly   
of   
to   Chapter 4   
     p.   70   creates the situaflon: H.  Goldsmith, D.  Bradshaw,
and L.  Rieser           Danner, "Temperament as a Potential
Developmental Influence"                in Temperament and Social
Thternction in Infants and Chil              dren, ed.  J.  Lerner
and R.  Lerner (San Francisco: jossey-Bass,            1986)14.  
     p.   71   "Her next gust is rushing towards me : Stern, Diar:'
of a                Baby, 59~0.    p.   73   which can he quite
enduring: Main et al.,  "Security in Infancy.'    p.   73   
stronger-than-usual freh~ig of being lovej' G.  Mettetal, tele   
          phone conversation, 30 May 1993.        p.   75   
unreasonable"frars and nightmare� A.  Lieherman, The Emo         
     tional Ife of the Toddler (New York: The Free Press, 1993),
               11617.    p.   75   as many males as females born
with this trait: e.g.,  Gunnar,              "Psychoendocrine
Studies," in Tempem men I, ed.  Bates and              Wachs, 191. 
     p.   75   bQVs and girls qulle differently' j.  Will, P. 
Self, and N.  Datan,               "Maternal Behavior and Perceived
Sex of Infant," American                Journal 46, (1976): 135-39. 
     p.   75   "can be inteipreted as a consequence of the
value-system of the                mother Hinde, "Temperament as an
Intervening Variable,"             32.       p.   76   get along
u'ell wfth their mother.' Ibid.   If,   
he   
m   
m   
atn  ----`i.   242   Notes    p.   76   critic is m, rejecflbn, coldnes&
j.  Cameron, "Parental Treatment,            Children's
Temperament, and the Risk of Childhood Behavioral                
Pmblems," American journal Orthopsychiatry 47, (1977):           
     56876.    p.   76   both parents jbr better or worse: Ibid.  
     p.   78   "shy child": Lieberman, Emotional Ife.       p.   
81   how normal it iS: j.  Asendorpf, "Abnormal Shyness in Chil  
          dren," Journal of Child Psychologv and Psychiatry 34
(1993):             106981.   p.  82 one researcher.' L. 
Silvem~an, "Parenting Young Gifted Children," Special Issue:
Intellectual Gifiedness in Young Children, Journal of Children in
Contemporary Soctety, 18 (1986).   
     p.   83   better guiddines for raising gfted children.' Ibid. 
     p.   85   prnfessional achievement: A.  Caspi, D.  Bem, and G. 
Elder,              "Continuities and Consequences of Interactional
Styles Across            the Life Course," Journal qf Personality
57 (1989): 39092.        p.   86 "quiet independence   : 1bid., 
393.   Chapter 5   
     p.   92 seventy five percent  are socialty outgoing:
Silvem~an, "Gifted            Children," 82.      p.   92   
frarful, inhibited, and timid' H.  Gough and A.  Thorne, "Posi   
          tive, Negative, and Balanced Shyness: Self-Definitions
and the             Reactions of Others," in Shynes&' Perspectives
on Research and               Treatment, ed.  W.  Jones, J.  Cheek,
and S.  Briggs (New York:               Plenum, 1986), 205-25.  
     p.   93   same neganve u'ords: Ibid.    p.   93   Phil
Zimbardo.' S.  Brodt and P.  Zimbardo, "Modifying Shyness-       
     Related Social Behavior Thmugh Symptom Misattribution,"     
          journal of Personality and Society Psychology 41 (1981):
               437~9.    p.   96   themselves "sky' P.  Zimbardo,
Shynes�' What It Is, What to Do              About (Reading, Mass.: 
Addison-Wesley, 1977).        p.   96   more noticeable than it
really is: M.  Bnich, j.  Gorsky, T.              Collins, and P. 
Berger, "Shyness and Sociability Reexamined: A              
Multicomponent Analysis,;' Journal ci' Personahtt' and Social    
          R~ychok)gv 57 (1989): 90415.       p.   96   fl~t nol
trying enough.' C.  Lord and P.  Zimbardo "Actor- Observer
Differences in the Peweived Stability of Shyness," Social Cognition
3 (1985): 25065.  243   Notes   
p.  98 more aftected by their social relatio~~hip's: S.  Hotard, R. 
McFatter, R.  McWhirter, M.  Stegall, "Interactive Effects of
Extraversion, Neuroticism, and Social Relationships on Subjective
Well-Being," Journal of Personahty and Social Psychology 57 (1989):
321-31.   
p.  99 hon' intrnverts acrnally do act.' A.  Thorne, "The Press of
Personality: A Study of Conversations Between Introverts and
Extraverts," Journal of Personahty and Social Psychology 53 (1987):
71826.   
p.  99 breathing in and out: C.  Jung, Psychological Types, vol. 
6, The Collected Works, 5~.   
p.  99 the "obiective" world: Ibid.,  373~07.   
     p.   100  "They are living evidence : Ibid.,  40~05.        
p.   100  the brighter the child, the more hk4y .  .  . 
introveriej' Silver           man, "Gifted Children," 82.        
p.   100  make to a Rorschach: R.  Kincel, "Creativity in
Projection and                the Experience Type," British Journal
of Projective Psychology                and Personahty Study 28
(1983): 36.    p.   106  Gretchen Hill ` "An Unwillingness to Act:
Behavioral Ap            propriateness, Situational Constraint, and
Self-Efficacy in Shy               ness," Journal of Personabty 57
(1989): 87090.   ise ~es   
to ~Iy   
an as :ed   
to   
`ly   
of   
to   Chapter 6   
     p.   118  follow your bhss": J.  Campbell, Joseph Campbell.'
The Power                of Myth with Bill MQyers, ed.  B.  Flowers
(New York: Double-            day.  1988), 148.        p.   123  
the key in raising children u'eTh A.  Wiesenfeld, P.  Whitman,   
          and C.  Malatasta, "Individual Differences Among Adult
Women               in Sensitivity to Infants," Jounial of
Personahty and Social Psy               chology 40 (1984): 11024. 
     p.   127  emotional sernitivity, and nonconformity' D. 
Lovecky, "Can            You Hear the Flowers Sing?  Issues for
Gifted Adults," Journal            of Counseling and Development 64
(1986): 572-5.  Much of the             rest of this section is
based on Lovecky's discussions of gifted               adults.  
     p.   133  their competence level: J.  Cheek, Conquering
Shyness (New             York: Dell, 1989), 16869.   Chapter 7   
p.  140 person's selficoncept: A.  Aron, M.  Paris, and E.  Aron,
"Prospective Studies of Falling in Love and SelfConcept Change,"
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (in press).   If,   
nd   
he   
ed   
Ia-   
an  244   Notes    p.   143  secure attachment in childhood.' C.  Hazan
and P.  Shaver, "Ro                mantic Love Conceptualized As an
Attachment Process," Jour               nal of Personality and
Social Psychology 52 (1987): 511-24.    p.   145  two themes to be
most common.' A.  Aron, D.  Dutton, and A.                  
Iverson, "Experiences of Falling in Love," Journal of Social     
          and Personal Relallonships 6 (1989): 243-57.      p.   
146  love on the suspension bridge: D.  Dutton and A.  Aron, "Some
               Evidence for Heightened Sexual Attraction under
Conditions               of High Anxiety," Journal of Personality
and Social Psychol            ogy, 30 (1974): 51~17.        p.   
146  comedy monologue.' G.  White, S.  Fishbein, and J.  Rutstein,
               "Passionate Love and Misattribution of Arousal,"
Journal of               Personality and Social Psychology,
41(1981): 5662.     p.   147  had not had their selfesteem lowered'
E.  Walster, "The Effect                of Self-Esteem on Romantic
Liking," Journal of Esperimental             Social Psychology
1(1965): 18~97.     p.   147  first year away from home.' Aron et
al.,  "Prospective Studies."  p.   148  fastest route to closeness:
D.  Taylor, R.  Gould, and P.  Broun              stein, "Effects
of Personalistic Self-Disclosure," Personality and               
Social Psychology, 7 (1981): 487-92.    p.   153  lose touch with
their "authentic self': J.  Ford, "The Tempera              
ment/Actualization Concept," Journal oj' Humanistic Psych 01-    
          ogy 35 (1995): 57-77.    p.   158  apart from the moment:
J.  Gottman, Marital Interaction.' Er             perimental
Investigations (New York: Academic Press, 1979).       p.   162  
something bigger: "we') A.  Aron and E.  Aron, "The Self-        
     Expansion Model of Motivation and Cognition in Close Rela   
          tionships," in The Handbook of Personal Relationships,
2nd            Edition, ed.  S.  Duck and W.  Ickes (Chichester,
UK: Wiley,               1996).    p.   162  much less satisfying:
N.  Glenn, "Quantitative Research on Mar               ital Quality
in the 1980s: A Critical Review," Journal of Mar            riage
and the Family 52 (1990): 81831    p.   162  slows this decline: H. 
Markman, F.  Floyd, S.  Stanley, and R.                Storaasli,
"Prevention of Marital Distress: A Longitudinal In               
vestigation," Journal of Consulling and Clinical Psychology 56   
          (1988): 21~17.      p.   162  (not fl~t pleasant).' C. 
Reissman, A.  Aron, and M.  Bergen,               "Shared
Activities and Marital Satisfaction" Journal of Social           
     and Personal Relationships 10 (1993): 24354.      p.   163  
their caretakers: are sensifive: Wiesenfeld et aL, "Sensitivity to
               Infants."Notes   
245   Chapter 8   
     p.   169  show no overlap: J.  Braungart, R.  Plomin, J. 
DeFries, and D.               Fulker, "Genetic Influence on
Tester-Rated Infant Tempera             ment As Assessed by
Bayley's Infant Behavior Record," De              velopment
Psychology 28 (1992): 40-47.       p.   176  writing them down: J. 
Pennebaker, Opening Up: The Healing               Power of
Confiding in Others ~New York: Morrow, 1990).     p.   176  curing
depression.' "Update on Mood Disorders: Part II," The            
Hanard AlenmI Health Letter 11 (January 1995): 1.   )r.   
:0-   
.se   
`es   
to   
ily   
aI   
an   
as   
ed   
to   Chapter 9   
     p.   189  sensitive to medications: N.  Solomon and M. 
Lipton, Sick and              Tired of Being Sick and Tired (New
York: Wynwood, 1989).    p.   192  pain in their lives.' C.  Nivens
and K.  Gijsbers, "Do Low Levels             of Labour Pain Reflect
Low Sensitivity to Noxious Stimulation?"               Social
Sctenflfic Medicine 29 (1989): 585-88.       p.   200  What made
Listening to Prozac.' Peter J.  Kramer, Listening to             
Prozac (New York: Penguin Group, 1993).      p.   202  born with a
tendency ` S.  Suomi, "Uptight and Laid-Back                
Monkeys: Individual Differences in the Response to Social        
     Challenges," in Plasticity of Development, ed.  S.  Branch, W. 
               Hall, and E.  Dooling (Cambridge, Mass.:  MIT Press,
1991),              27-55.    p.   202  separated from its mother'
S.  Suomi, "Primate Separation Mod           els of Disorder," in
Neumblology of Learning, Emotion, and             Affect, ed.  j. 
Madden IV (New York: Raven Press, 1991),               195-214.  
     p.   203  dominant monkeys have more of it.' M.  Raleigh and
M.                  McGuire, "Social and Envimnmental Influences on
Blood Sero               tonin and Concentrations in Monkeys,"
Archives of Genernl                Psychiatry 41(1984): 405-10.  
     p.   203  status decreases serotonin.' M.  Raleigh, et al., 
"Serotonergic            Mechanisms Promote Dominance Acquisition
in Adult Male            Vervet Monkeys," Brain Research 559
(1991): 181-90.  Actually,              the primate most like
humans, the bonobos chimpanzees,             dominate each other
very little.  This whole relationship be               tween
serotonin and dominance is subject to many cultural              
prejudices.    p.   204  played down by Ii Lilly.' P.  Breggin and
G.  Breggin, Talk             ing Back to Prozac (New York: St. 
Martin's Press, 1994).   ily   
of   
to   
If,   
he Im Im ed [aan  246   Notes    p.   204  a tixtety, evcessive su `eating: Ibid., 
69-71.    p.   204  and teeth grinding in one's sleep.' J.  Ellison
and P.  Stanziani,            "SSRI-Associated Nocturnal Bruxism in
Four Patients," Journal            of Clinical Psychiatrt 54
(1993): 432-34.  Also, in some rare               cases, Prozac has
been associated with violence or suicide.    p.   205  earlier
srndies did not.' For the reference along with appropri          
     ate criticisms, see Kramer, Listenit~g, 138.      p.   205  
highly ad~ertised medicatlorn J.  Chen and R.  Hartley, "Scien   
          tific Versus Commercial Sources of Influence ()O the
Prescrih            ing Behavior of Physicians," American Jo~irnal
oj'Medicine 73                (July 1982): 5-28.       p.   205  
while property administering Prozac.' Breggin et al.,  Talking   
          Back to Prozac, 184.     p.   206  "more like a ch~msy 
Ibid.,  95.    p.   207  "Psychotherapy remains   : Kramer,
Listening, 292.   Chapter 10   
     p.   212  and ritual space.' R.  Moore, "Space and
Translom~ation in             Human Experience," in Anthropology
and the Srndy of Rell              gion, ed.  R.  Moore and F. 
Reynolds (Chicago: Center for the            Scientific Study of
Religion, 1984).    p.   213  "The introverted inrnill~'e M.  Von
Franz and J.  Hillman,             Lectures on fi~ng's T~pology
(Dallas: Spring, 1984): 33.        p.   216  "Se'~~itive people :
Victor Franki, Man's Search for Mean              ing (New York:
Washington Square Press, 1946/1985), 55-56.       p.   216  In her
journals E.  Hillesum, An Internipted Lf'e (New             York:
Simon and Schuster, 1981).    p.   217  "It is strange Ibid., 
242~3.    p.   218  "The point of fttll M.  Sinetar, Ordinars'
People as Monks               and Mystics (New York: Paulist Press,
1986), 133.    p.   218  `For the meaning oj'hfr .` Frankl, Alan's
Search, 13#31.      p.   221  thinking, andfreling' Jung,
Psychological 7;~pes.    p.   221  Von Franz infrrior ,~nction')
Hillman and von Franz,             fi~ng's T)pology, 1-72.       
p.   222  drugs, and sex' Ibid.,  3~35.      p.   222  caught up in
how good it would be.' Ibid.,  13.      p.   222  to which he poke:
Ibid.,  68.    p.   223  in small families.' C.  Jung, Man and His
Symbols (Garden City,              N.Y.:  Doubleday, 1964), 161~2. 
 p.  224 "acausal connecting principle') C.  Jung, .`Synchronicity"
The Strucrnre and Dynamics of the Psyche, vol.  8, The Collected
Works.  417-531.  Index   )r.   
:0- ise ~es to an   Addiction, 197   
Adolescence, 8386, 16768 refrarning exercise, 8889   
Aging, 54   
Alcohol, 197   
adolescence and, 84   
college and, 8485   
artists and, 125   
parents and, 171-72   
Allergies, 27   
Anima, 143   
Animals, 07.  12, 202-3   
Antianxiety drugs, 197, 204   
Antidepressant medication, 195, 198208   
overarousal and, 199-200   
personality and, 200205   
sexual perforinance and, 205   
side effects of, 2046   
Anxiety, 9-10, 6067, 233   
medication for, 19098, 204   
therapy for, 17476   
Aristotle, 13   
Arousal, 011   
short and long term, 3334   
optimal level of, 6, 71   
See also Overarousal   
Artists, 12426, 213   
Assendorpf, J.,  81   
Attachment styles, 4347, 7071   
Behavioral activation system, 29-33   
Behavioral inhibition system, 3033   
Body, 11, 27-29   
See also Health   
Boundaries, setting, 6162   Breathing exercise, 38   
Brodt, S.,  9394   
Breggin, G.,  2056   
Breggin, P.,  2056   
Buber, M.,  220   
Business, 128   
See also Professional life   
Caffeine, 11, 57, 197   
Career.  See Vocation   
Cheek,J.,  1045, 11315   
Chen, X.,  15   
Childhood, 15, 2327, 31-35, 6089 adult problems related to, 6067, 
 
107, 16874,185, 202-3   
adolescence, 8386, 16768   
arousal and, 7073, 202-3   
attachment in, 3435   
fears in, 7475   
female, 75-76, 82   
gifted, 8283   
male, 75, 82   
poor health in, 73   
raising, 16364   
rdraming exercise on, 8889   
role models in, 73   
school-age, 8083, 23435   
Classroom pefformance, 8083, 23435   
Client-centered therapy, 175   
Closeness.  149-150   
See also Relationships   
Cognitive-behavioral therapy,   
Colic, 14, 27   
College, 8485   
Communication, 15061   17478   
as   
.ed   
to   
ily   
of   
to   
elf, tnd ~he am am   
`ed   
Ian   247  248   lndex   Complaints, making, 109   
Conversation, 93-94, 9097,101, 108   
Corporate culture, 128, 236   
Cortisol, 28, 3335, 181,194, 202   
Crying, as infant, 24-25, 28, 43   
Cultural assumptions, 5, 37, 52-53 love and, 142   
medical woricl and, 19091,19495   
spirituality and, 21415   
Death, awareness of, 189,193   
Depression, 198200   
childhood causes of, 6067   
therapy and, 17476   
Depfl~ psychology, 35-37,18385   
Dewis, M.,  1045, 11315   
Discouragement, 7880   
Doctors.  See Medical care   
Dreams, 36, 223, 227   
Drugs, 197   
adolescence and, 84   
artists and, 125   
college and, 8485   
See also Medications   Friendship, 98, 101-2, 14849   
Functions, four, 221-23.  231-32   
Gender, xi, 8587   
childhood and, 67, 75-76   
professional life and, 8586   
school and, 82   
stereotypes of, 151   
Gestalt therapy, 175   
Giftedness, 8283   
workplace and, 12831   
Happiness, 12-13   
Health, 5457, 190   
childhood and, 27, 73   
stress and, 52   
See also Medical care Hill, G.,  106   
Hlllesiu'~, E.,  21017, 225   
History, 17-18   
Homemaking, 123   
Hormones, 176,181   
Hunger, 42   
Hyperactivity, 234   Eastern culture, 15, 17, 204 ego in, 182   
Eating, 57,18081,197-98   
Education, 8183,117-18, 23435   
Employers, 236   
See also Professional life   
Enlightenment, 8283   
Enyy, 79   
Exercise, 176   
Existential therapy, 175   
Extroversion, 98100 wholeness and, 220   
Faith.  See Spintuality   
Family.  See Parents   
Fanning, R, 1045, 11315   
Fear, 9-10   
Frankl, V.,  21018, 225   
Freud, S.,  36   
Freudian therapy, 175,183   Individuation, 11821, 216 finding
vocation and, 11824 relationships and, 159~2   
Indo-European culture, 17-18   
Infants, 14, 2325, 27-28, 31-35,   
4048   
adults similar to, 4348,51 attachment of, 3435, 4346 Inner
helpmate, 143 Interpersonal therapy, 175-76,   
17880, 18385   
Interview, career, 131-32   
Introversion, 17, 98101, 213, 220   
See also Social discomfort Intuition, 7, 213-14, 221   
Josselson, R.,  45~6   
Jung, C.  G.,  xft', 3038, 99-100,118, 141#3, 18384, 213, 217,
221-25   
Jungian therapy, 175,18384, 228  Index   249   
r.   Kagan, j.,  27, 31.  34, 37, 202 Kramer, P.,  200202, 205   
Languages, learning, 11   
Librium, 197   
Lieberman, A.,  78   
Listening, reflective, 15861   
Listening to Prozac (Kramer).   
200202, 205 Love, 13948   
arousal and, 14047   
divine, 14243   
fear of being alone and, 14748   
intensity of, 14145   
introversion and, 14142   
media portrayals of, 142   
mutual, 14546   
selfesteem and, 140,147   
therapy and, 179   
unrequited, 14143   
Macchiavelli, 137   
Man's Search for Meaning (Frankl), 21018, 225   
Marriage.  See Relationships   
Massage, 176,197   
McKay, M.,  104-5, 11315   
Media, 1316   
love portrayed in, 142 Medical care, 189-95.  233   
advice for professionals in, 233   
labels in, 19495   
reframing history of, 19394 Medications, 18081, 195-208, 233   
manufacturers of, 205-7   
natural, 198   
prescribing, 195-96, 198, 2056   
psychoactive, 195-98   
psychotherapy and, 203, 2007   
sensitivity to, 189,191-92, 19899, 233   
social considerations of, 207 Meditation, 56, 21011 Men, 87   
young, 75, 82   
professional life of, 8586   Mental illness   
assumption of, 1, 16   
artists and, 125   
Music,   
ability in, 19   
body chemistry and, 197   
mood and, 58   
Names, remembering, 108   
Nature, 59   
Natural drugs, 197-98   
Naskapi religion, 223   
Networking, social, 123   
Neuroticism, 12, 6067,169, 233   
Neurotransmitters, 181, 199-204   
New age, 215   
Nonrepinephrine, 28   
Nutrition, 176,18081   
Office politics, 13336, 236 Oralinary People As Monks and   
Mysflcs (Sinetar), 218   
Overarousal, 68   
childhood and, 7073   
depression and, 199-200   
handling, 5760   
social discomfort and, 91-98   
Pain, 189,192, 233   
Parents, 14, 24-26, 3435, 73-75, 78, 164   
alcoholic, 171-72   
attachment of 3435, 4347   
gifted children and, 8283   
vocation of, 123   
Pavlov, 1.,  78   
Paxil, 200   
Performing, 11011   
Personas, 96,102-5   
Physical approach to therapy, 176, 18081   
Politics, 127-28   
Prayer, 21012   
Priests.  See Spiritual leaders   
Professional life, 12036, 236 culture of, 128, 236   e   
E)   
y   
n   
d   
0   
d   
n   
n   
d   
n  250   Index   Professional life (-continued)   
difficult tasks in, 121   
environment of, 132-33   
giftedness in, 12831   
introversion and, 124   
thriving in, 131-32   
training in, 132   
See also Vocation Prophesying, 213   
Prozac, 195, 200206   
See also Antidepressant medications Psychiatry, 176,19899
Psychosomatic illnesses, 189-90 Psychotherapy, 16870, 172,174,183, 
 
185   
advice for professionals in, 233   
childhood problems and, 17374,   
185   
cognitive-behavioral,1 7~78   
interpersonal, 175-76, 17880,   
18385   
Jungian, 18384   
medication instead of, 203, 2007   
misunderstandings of, 167,   
177-78   
transference and, 17880, 185   
Public speaking, 11011   
Recreation, 5356 Reframing, xii, 21-22 Relection, fear of, 92
Relationships, 13866   
communication in, 15061   
gender stereotypes in, 151   
individuation in, 15962   
less sensitive partner in, 151-56   
long, 152-53   
self-expansion and, 16263   
varieties of, 13840   
See also Love   
Religion, 182, 210215   
See also Spirituality   
Rest, 5~56   
See also Sleep   
Right-brained, 11, 28 Rilke, R.  M.,  217, 225   Rogerian therapy. 
175   
Rothbart, M.,  31, 79   
Rubin K_ 15   
SSRIs.  See Antidepressant medications   
Sacred space, 212-13   
School, 7~75, 8083,16768, 23~35   
Science, 214   
Self-employment, 124   
Self-expansion, 16263   
Selling.  109   
Serotonin, 200204   
Sexual abuse, 6869,171-72   
Sexuality, 163   
adolescence and, 84   
antidepressanLs and, 205   
college and, 8485   
Sexual bon~ones, 176,181   
Shadow, 15962, 21820   
Shopping, 222   
Shyne&s, 17, 27, 9094   
See also Social discomfort   
Sll~lings, 169-70   
Silvern~an, L.,100   
Sinetar, M.,  218   
Sleep, 5~55, 63   
cortisol and, 35   
feeling safe and, 36   
infants and, 2~27, 35   
social discomfort and, 91-98   
stress and, 52   
Social discomfort, 90115   
childhood and, 107   
close friends and, 98,101   
overarousal and, 91-98   
professional life and, 131-36   
reframing, 112-13   
small groups and, 110   
Social responsibility, 12, 18,121,   
127-28, 21819   
Social roles, 96,102-5   
Social skills, developing, 9097, 1014,10812   
Social work, 126   
Sounds, disturbing, 4   
Spintual experiences, 22~27  Index   251   Spiritual leaders, 212-13, 226   
Spirituality, 17677,18183, 209-15,   
22~32   
cultural bias against, 21#15   
psychotherapy and, 177, 183   
suffering and, 21617 Stereotypes, 97   
See at~o Cultural assumptions   
Stern, D.,  40   
Stimulation, 89   
Stress, 5,10   
health affected by, 52   
childhood and, 73   
related illnesses, 189   
therapy and, 175   
Students, 80-83, 23435   
Suffering, 21617   
Sun, Y.,  15   
Suicide, 168, 217   
Synchronicity, 224   
Talking Back to Pmzac (Breggin and Breggin), 2056   
Tea, 197-98   
Teachers, 81   
advice for, 23435   
vocation of, 127   
Thorne, A.,  99   
Timidity, 27   
Training, in profession, 132   
Transactional analysis, 175   
Transference,   
psychotherapy and, 17880,185   body workers and, 181   
spiritual movements and, 182   
Transmarginal inhibition, 78   
Unconscious, 3638,18384, 223   
ValMm, 197-98   
Vacationing, 56   
Vocation, 11637   
discovering one's, 11822   
education for, 117-18   
history of, 17-18, 11618   
interviews for, 131-32   
paying jobs and, 119   
types of, 117-18,122-28   
See also Professional life Voice change, 28 Von Franz, M.,  213,
221-22, 225,   
232   
Walking, 5960   
body chemistry and, 197   
Western culture, 17-18, 11618   
Wholeness, search for 21820   
four functions and, 221-23, 231-32 Williams, C.,  143   
Women, 8587   
young, 76, 82   
Workplace.  See Professional life   
Xanex, 197   
Zimbardo, P.,  9394   Dr.   
as   
:ed   
to   
Ily of to In-