As I lay in bed I anxiously

wondered, What had we done to

cause all this nasty gossip about us?


Gary and I were twins, brother and sister, born minutes
apart. He and I had been connected in our mother's womb,
and birth was a great separation from each other as well as
from her. . . .

As we grew older, Gary just naturally hovered about me,
protected me. Being twins, it took only a glance or a touch
for us to communicate a fear or a happy idea. Perhaps our
friends resented this magical connection; perhaps they were
jealous and that was why they wanted to hurt us. It was easy
for them to turn Gary's devotion to me into something
.dirty.

And then a more fearful voice, tiny, hiding in the back of
my mind, stepped up to say, "Maybe Gary was so angry
because he realized some of what they said was true ... he
was too devoted to you. . .."

Alone now, feeling anger and confusion, as well as shame,
I thought of Gary above me, shut up in his attic workshop.
It was very quiet, but I thought I could hear him crying. I
listened hard, but it was silent again. The wind had died
down, yet there was still enough of it to make the walls
creak. Outside, the moon played peekaboo with the parting
clouds. The surf rose and fell against the dark sand,
resembling a giant wet hand stroking the earth. Night was
our respite, the time to put aside the trials and torments of
the day and then welcome sleep like a cherished friend.

I closed my eyes and prayed and waited for the surprise of
morning. . ..

V.C. Andrews® Books


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If Tiaizre »e? IT^ms pounds ai-Axxs pounds Ffour

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Heaven	All That Glitters

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V. C. ANDREWS


kissed again. This time he kept kissing me, moving his lijj
down to my neck. I closed my eyes and let my head
against his shoulder. His hands moved along my ribs, ov
my dress, his fingers sliding over the material and then up 4
my breasts. At first, I instinctively brought my hands up (
stop him, but the tingle was so pleasant and warmed me i
wonderfully, I let him continue.

Robert sensed my hesitation and then my quick surr
der. It made him kiss me faster, harder, longer, his li]j
rushing over mine before going to my neck, while his 1
lifted my breasts, his thumbs riding over the crests of the
caressing my budding nipples.

A soft moan left my lips and I felt Robert gently push 1
down. He was over me, his fingers finding the zipper behii
my dress and carefully moving it down my back. I lifted i
arms and he helped me fold the top of my dress to my waid
My eyes were closed as his fingers continued to explore un^
they unfastened my bra. For a long, delicious moment,:
heart pounding, I thought I might die from anticipation an
then, when his lips came down upon me, I thought I'd die c
pleasure.

The rush of excitement crashed against my better jud
ment. I knew I should tell him to slow down, but I felt lilt
was floating, gently undulating on a wave of passion, a wail
that was carrying me out too far. "Wait," I heard myself sj
finally. "We're moving too quickly, Robert. I'm afraid."

He lifted himself from me and I saw him above me, h
eyes closed. He took a deep breath and caught hold of tl
wild passion that was pulling him forward, too.

"You're right, Laura," he said. "I just couldn't sto
myself."

"I know a lot of girls wouldn't stop you, Robert,
understand if you're angry with me."

"No," he said, smiling. "It's just the opposite. I want us t
be something special, very special. I want us to move a
quickly as we both want to move, and love as we both wai
to love. I want this to last, Laura. I really do love you."

I nodded.


MUSIC IN THE NIGHT


|t Jove you, loo, Robert." I reached up for hfm again, but
i»hook his head and pulled my bra down over my breasts.
flfwe don't stop now, I won't be able to, Laura," he
Bfessed. He leaned back against the car door and I sat up
i fixed my clothes. He had to help me with my dress


we just sat there in each other's arms, listening to
hearts calm themselves, kissing gently every once in a
and talking softly about the stars, our love, our
;S. Suddenly, Robert looked at his watch. row, I didn't realize how long we've been here. We had
get going or you'll be late for your curfew."
started the engine and put the car into reverse. We
the tires spin, but the car didn't move.

it the . . ."

gunned the engine and the tires squealed, kicking up
sand that slapped at the belly of the car, but still we
't move. He put the car into drive and tried to move
Kpard, then back, rocking the vehicle, but that didn't
Ilk either.

Mi no," he moaned. He reached over to open the glove
ipartment to take out a flashlight. Then he got out and
ted the light on the rear tires. "I dug a hole in the sand. I
il realize it was so soft here!"
lobert, what are we going to do?"
'11 have to run back until I can find a house with lights
Ind make a call to a tow truck. I'm sorry. I've ruined
fything. There's no way we can explain . . ."
uddenly, a set of headlights brightened up the sky.
ttrt brought his hand to his forehead to shade his eyes. Wnl the hell. . . Who?"
Who is it, Robert?" I asked, terrified.
; can't make him out yet, but... I think it's Gary!" he
ared after another moment.

tamed to look. I would never mistake that silhouetted
b It was Gary walking along the beach road, his truck
dlights on behind him.
Dary!" I cried as soon as he drew close enough.



Mwicin
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Following the death of Virginia Andrews, the Andrews family
worked with a carefully selected writer to organize and complete
Virginia Andrews' stories and to create additional novels, of which
this is one, inspired by her storytelling genius.


This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
living or dead, is entirely coincidental.


An Original Publication of POCKET BOOKS


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Copyright © 1998 by The Virginia C. Andrews Trust and
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Tip-in illustration by Lisa Falkenstern
Printed in the U.S.A.

Prologue

SO


A long time ago, I lived a fairy tale life. There was always
magic around me: magic in the stars, magic in the ocean
and magic in the sand. At night when we were only ten years
old, Cary and I would lie back on our blankets on the deck
of our daddy's lobster boat and gaze up at the heavens,
pretending we were falling into outer space, flying past this
planet and that, circling moons and reaching out to touch
the stars. We permitted our minds to wander and imagine.
We said anything we wanted to each other, never ashamed
or too embarrassed to reveal our most secret thoughts, our
dreams, our intimate questions.

We were twins, but Cary liked to call himself my older
brother because, according to Papa, he was born two
minutes and twenty-nine seconds before me. He behaved
like an older brother from the moment he could crawl and
protect me. He cried when I was unhappy and he laughed
when he heard me laugh, even if he didn't know why I was
laughing. When I asked him about that once, he said the
sound of my laughter was music to him and it pleased him
so much, he couldn't help but smile and then laugh, too. It
was as if we were enchanted children who heard our own

V~ C. JW&KJBWS


songs, melodies that were sung to us by the sea we loved so
much.	. . As far back as I can remember, there was always magic m

the wafer. cVy cW/^^/>^*^ **B*V «* *f

the most spectacular seaweed, starfish,, clamshells, sea&neis,

and even things he claimed had washed across the ocean Avm other countries to us. When it came to the ocean, I believed anything he said. Sometimes / thought Cary must have been born with seawater in his veins. No one loved it as much, even when it was nasty and wild.

What discoveries Daddy let us keep, we kept in either
Cary's room or mine. We decided everything had some sort
of power to it, whether it was the power to grant us a wish or
the power to make us healthier or happier just by touching
it. We assigned an enchanted quality to each thing we
found.

When I was twelve and I wore a necklace made from the
tiny seashelts we had found, my friends at school were
amazed at the way I identified each and every shell,
explaining how this one could drive away sadness or that
one could make the dark clouds move on. They laughed and
shook their heads and said Cary and I were simply foolish
and even immature. It was time we grew up and put away
childish ideas. There was no magic in these things for them.

But to me there was even magic in a grain of sand. Cary
and 1 once sat beside each other and let the sand fall
through our fingers, pretending each grain was a tiny world
unto itself. Inside it lived people like us, too tiny to ever be
seen, even with a strong microscope.

"Be careful where you step," we told our friends when
they were with us on the beach. "You might crush a whole
country."

They grimaced with confusion, shook their heads and
walked on, leaving us behind, enveloped by our own imaginative
pictures, pictures no one else wanted to share. We
were inseparable for so long, I guess people thought we had
been born attached. Some of my jealous girlfriends once
made up a story about me, claiming I had a long scar down

MX1S1C VH fWE.>WC.Wt

the side of my body from my underarm to my waist an<v
Gary had the same scar on his body. It was where we
supposedly had been connected at birth.

Sometimes, I thought, maybe it's true, that from the moMf&t
we entered this world, out separating had begun, a
slow and painful process. & *W 4 M&t&tm C^f^
much harder than I did as we grew older.

As a very young girl and even when I first entered my
/imtar high school years, J was comfortable, happy and
grateful for Gary's devotion to me. Other brothers and
sisters I knew argued and occasionally insulted each other,
often in public! Gary never said a really bad thing to me,
and if he spoke to me in a manner that suggested he was
impatient or annoyed with me, he immediately regretted it
afterward.

I knew that other girls fixed their flirtatious gazes at Cary
and competed with each other for his attention. It wasn't
just a sister's prejudice for me to say Cary was handsome.
From the first day he could cast a rope or carry a pail, he
accompanied Daddy on the lobster boat and helped in the
cranberry bog. He always had a dark tan that brought out
the emeralds in his green eyes, and he loved to wear his rich
dark hair long, the strands lying softly over the right side of
his forehead, just above his eyebrow. It looked so much like
silk, girls were jealous and all of them longed to run their
fingers through it.

My brother carried himself firmly with the demeanor of a
confident little man, even when he was just in grade school.
Other boys used to make fun of the way he held up his head
and shoulders, striding alongside, me with his gaze firmly
fixed on where we were headed, his lips tight. Soon, however,
they started to envy him, and girls in our classes just
naturally thought of him as older, more mature.

Frustrated by their failure to win his attention and
interest, however, they eventually found comfort in making •
fun of us. By the time we were in high school, they were
calling Cary "Grandpa." He didn't seem to care or even
notice. I was sure it bothered me more than it bothered him,

and it wasn't unless someone physically got into his face of
insulted me in front of him that Gary reacted, almost always,
violently. It didn't matter if the other boy was bigger or
even if there were more than one. Gary's temper was as
quick and as devastating as a hurricane. His eyes became
glassy and his lips were stretched so tightly they formed
white spots in the corners. Anyone who challenged him*
directly knew they were in for a fight.

Of course, Gary would get into trouble, no matter how
justified his reaction was. It was he who had lost his temper
and usually he who dealt the most damage to his opponents.
Almost every time he was suspended from school, Daddy
gave him a beating and confined him to his room, but
nothing Daddy could do and no punishment the school
could impose would deter him if he believed my honor was
somehow compromised.

With such a devoted and loyal protector watching over
me, other boys kept their distance. It wasn't until I entered
high school that I realized how untouchable I had become
in their eyes. Many girls my age had crushes on boys or had
boyfriends, but no boy dared pass me a note in class, and
none joined me in the hallways to walk from one class to
another, much less walk me home. I walked with some
girlfriends or with Gary, and if I walked with girls, Gary
usually followed behind us like my guard dog.

When I reached sophomore year, however, I, like most of
my girlfriends, wanted a boy who showed serious interest in
me. There was a boy named Stephen Daniels, who had lived
in Provincetown only a year, who I thought was very
handsome. I wanted him to talk to me* to walk with me, and
even ask me to go on a date. I thought he wanted to because
he was always looking at me, but he never did. All my
girlfriends at the time told me he wanted to, but said he
wouldn't because of my brother. Stephen was afraid of
Gary.

I mentioned it to Gary and he said Stephen Daniels was
stupid and would go out with any girl if that girl gave him
what he wanted. He said he knew that from listening to him

in the boys' locker room. Later, I found out Gary had
actually walked up to him and put his face an inch from
Stephen's, threatening to break his neck if he should so
much as look twice at me. Naturally, I was disappointed,
but I couldn't help wondering if Gary had been right.

In the evenings after we had done our homework and
helped Mommy with May, our younger sister who had been
born deaf and was attending a special school for the
handicapped, Gary and I would talk about some of the
other kids at school. No matter what girlfriend of mine I
mentioned to him, he found fault with her. The only girl he
didn't criticize was Theresa Patterson, Roy Patterson's
oldest child. Theresa's father, Roy, worked with Daddy on
the lobster boat. The Pattersons were Bravas, half AfricanAmerican,
half Portuguese. The other students looked down
their noses at them, especially the ones who came from so
called blue-blooded families, families who were able to
trace their lineage back to the Pilgrims, families like Grandma
Olivia's, Daddy's mother, who ruled over us like a
dowager queen.

Gary liked Theresa and enjoyed being friends with her
because he liked the way she and her Brava friends defied
the other students. When I asked him if he could ever think
of Theresa as a girlfriend, he raised his eyebrows as if I had
said the silliest thing and replied, "Don't be stupid, Laura.
Theresa's like another sister to me."

I suppose she was, but as I grew older and felt Gary's
shadow over my shoulder more and more, I began to wish
he found some other girl to win his attention. I did my best
to recommend this one or that, but nothing I said made him
act any differently toward them. If anything, when I mentioned
a possible girlfriend for him, that girl suddenly
became ugly or stupid in his eyes. I realized it might be
better if I just let nature take its course.
Only, nature didn't.

I used to think nature just missed Gary. She walked by
one day while he was out on the lobster boat or something.
Other boys his age were trying to get dates, hanging out in

town, showing off to get a girl's attention, asking girls to do
things with them; but Gary . .. Gary spent all his free time
with me or his model boats upstairs in his attic workshop, a
room just above mine.

Finally, one day at lunch I mentioned my growing concern
to Theresa. She rolled her dark eyes and looked at me
as if I had just been hatched.

"Don't you hear all the talk behind your back? All the
whispering and gossip? There isn't a girl in this school who
thinks Gary's normal, Laura; and most of the boys have
their doubts about you. They don't talk to me about it, but I
hear what they say."

"What do you mean? What sort of things are they saying
about us?" I asked, trembling in anticipation.

"They're saying you and your brother are like boyfriend
and girlfriend, Laura," she replied hesitantly.

My heart skipped a beat and I remember looking around
the cafeteria that day and thinking everyone was looking at
us, their eyes full of contempt. I shook my head, the deeper
realizations taking shape like some dark, ugly beast who had
crawled out of a nightmare into my daytime thoughts.
"Look at you," Theresa continued. "You're fifteen now

and one of the prettiest girls in this school, but do you have

a boyfriend? No. Anyone asking you to the school dances?

No. If \ou go, you go with Gary."
"But--"
"There are no buts, Laura. It's because of Gary," she said.

"Because of the way he dotes on you. I'm sorry," she added.

"I really thought you knew and didn't care."
"What am I going to do?" I moaned.
She nudged me with her shoulder like she usually did

when she was going to say something nasty about one of the

other girls in school.
"<jret him a girlfriend who'll stir up his hormones and

you'll be fine," she said.
I remember she got up to join her Brava friends and I sat

there, suddenly feeling very alone and unhappy. Gary came

walking, into the cafeteria quickly, spotted me, and marched
over.

"Sorry I'm late," he said. "Mr. Corkren kept me after
class about my homework again. What's going on?" He
looked closely at me when I didn't respond. "Did something
happen?"

I just shook my head. I wondered how I could tell him
and not hurt him.

I put it off and never really tried to make him understand
until the year after, when Robert Royce and his family
bought the old Sea Marina Hotel and Robert entered
school.

For me and Robert, it was love at first sight and that
brought with it a special kind of magic Gary couldn't share.

Somehow I had to make him understand and accept. I
had to show him how to separate himself from me.

I only hoped it was possible.

1

so Young Love


All day my heart had been beating faster than normal,
thumping so hard I was sure Gary heard the echo in my
chest. When I walked, it was as if my feet didn't touch the
ground. I was floating along on a cloud of air, bouncing with
a spring in my step. I was positive I had woken this morning
with a smile on my face, and sure enough when I looked at
myself in my vanity table mirror, I saw my cheeks were
flushed with excitement, the excitement of wonderful
dreams that continued into my waking moments, dreams
that carried me on a magical carpet like some Arabian
princess floating through volumes and volumes of enchantment.

Everything around me took on a new and different glow.
Colors I had grown used to were brighter, richer, sharper.
Every normal sound became part of a grand symphony,
whether it was simply the creak in the stairs as I descended
to help Mommy with breakfast, or the clink of dishes and
pans, the splash of water running in the sink, the opening
and closing of the refrigerator and stove, or the tap of
Daddy's, May's, and Gary's footsteps in the hallway, and all

" *'You look very nice today, dear," Mommy said at breakfast.
Daddy glanced at me and nodded. I held my breath
because I was wearing just a touch of lipstick, and Daddy
hated makeup on a woman. He said it was the devil's touch
and an honest woman never tried to fool a man by using
paint on her face.

1 had chosen my brightest blue dress with the white collar
and I wore my gold charm bracelet, the one Mommy and
Daddy had recently given me on my sixteenth birthday.
They had given Cary an expensive pocket watch on a gold
chain that played "Onward Christian Soldiers" when he
flipped open its lid.

Cary looked up from his bowl of oatmeal.

"Aren't you afraid you'll swallow some of that lipstick?"
he asked, sending a bolt of ominous lightning through my
morning of warm sunshine.

I looked at Daddy, but he just snapped the newspaper and
glanced at the headlines. Then I threw Cary my most angry
look and he went back to his oatmeal.

When we stepped outside to start for school, I stopped in
the doorway, felt the sunshine on my face, and closed my
eyes. I embraced my books against my breasts, wishing that
none of this was a dream.

"What are you doing?" Cary asked sharply. "You want
May to be late for school?"

"I'm sorry," I said, skipping forward to join them. He
held May's hand firmly in his own. My little sister, locked in
her silence, gazed up at me with a twinkle in her eyes, as if
she knew it all, as if she had poked her pretty little face into
one of my dreams last night and saw my happiness. I took
her other hand and we continued down the street. I felt like
Alice in Wonderland.

"You're behaving just like all the other dumb girls in our
school," Cary muttered, and threw me a look of reprimand.
"Making a fool of yourself over some boy."

I only smiled back at him. Today, I thought, today, I am


"Although it was early May, there was a chill in the air, the


me.

There were clouds in the sky, but to me it was all blue.
Although it was early May, there was a chill in the air, the
residue of yesterday's nor'easter. The whitecaps sprouted
on the surface of the sea like water lilies, and even this far
away from the shore, we could hear the surf roaring in. In
the sunlight, the sand was the color of autumn gold. The
terns looked like they were tiptoeing over uncovered treasure
as they searched for their morning meal.

My hair was pinned back, but some loose strands
whipped gently at my forehead and cheeks. May wore a
light blue hairband that kept her hair neatly in place.

Gary couldn't care less how his hair looked when he
entered school. He would just run his fingers through it and
not even go into the boys room like all the other young men
to brush and comb in front of mirrors. Instead, he would
accompany me to my locker and wait until I had my books
before going on to his own. He would stand there even when
Robert Royce joined me, and he would glare unhappily,
suspiciously, hardly talking, lingering alongside or just
behind us like an angry storm cloud. It was the only thing
that put darkness in my heart these days.

"Stop daydreaming and watch where you're walking,"
Cary ordered as a car sped past us.

The invasion of tourists had begun in small ways. The
entire Cape was busier now on weekends, but traffic during
the week was still at a lazy crawl down Commercial Street.
Our route in the morning took us'down side streets to May's
school. At the gate we each kissed her and signed our goodbyes,
Cary putting on his best Daddy-like face to warn her
to behave herself, as if she ever needed a warning. There was
no one sweeter, no one more gentle and fragile and loving
than our May. Although Doctor Nolan assured us her
deafness had nothing to do with it, May's growth was
impeded. She was bright and intelligent, always doing well
in school, but she was so tiny for her age, her facial features


their voices. Their voices suddenly became a chorus behind
the music.

"You look very nice today, dear," Mommy said at breakfast.
Daddy glanced at me and nodded. I held my breath
because I was wearing just a touch of lipstick, and Daddy
hated makeup on a woman. He said it was the devil's touch
and an honest woman never tried to fool a man by using
paint on her face.

I had chosen my brightest blue dress with the white collar
and I wore my gold charm bracelet, the one Mommy and
Daddy had recently given me on my sixteenth birthday.
They had given Gary an expensive pocket watch on a gold
chain that played "Onward Christian Soldiers" when he
flipped open its lid.

Cary looked up from his bowl of oatmeal.

"Aren't you afraid you'll swallow some of that lipstick?"
he asked, sending a bolt of ominous lightning through my
morning of warm sunshine.

I looked at Daddy, but he just snapped the newspaper and
glanced at the headlines. Then I threw Cary my most angry
look and he went back to his oatmeal.

When we stepped outside to start for school, I stopped in
the doorway, felt the sunshine on my face, and closed my
eyes. I embraced my books against my breasts, wishing that
none of this was a dream.

"What are you doing?" Cary asked sharply. "You want
May to be late for school?"

"I'm sorry," I said, skipping forward to join them. He
held May's hand firmly in his own. My little sister, locked in
her silence, gazed up at me with a twinkle in her eyes, as if
she knew it all, as if she had poked her pretty little face into
one of my dreams last night and saw my happiness. I took
her other hand and we continued down the street. I felt like
Alice in Wonderland.

"You're behaving just like all the other dumb girls in our
school," Cary muttered, and threw me a look of reprimand.surrounded by protective sylphs, tiny fairy-like creatures
who would deflect any arrows of unhappiness away from
me.

There were clouds in the sky, but to me it was all blue.
Although it was early May, there was a chill in the air, the
residue of yesterday's nor'easter. The whitecaps sprouted
on the surface of the sea like water lilies, and even this far
away from the shore, we could hear the surf roaring in. In
the sunlight, the sand was the color of autumn gold. The
terns looked like they were tiptoeing over uncovered treasure
as they searched for their morning meal.

My hair was pinned back, but some loose strands
whipped gently at my forehead and cheeks. May wore a
light blue hairband that kept her hair neatly in place.

Gary couldn't care less how his hair looked when he
entered school. He would just run his fingers through it and
not even go into the boys room like all the other young men
to brush and comb in front of mirrors. Instead, he would
accompany me to my locker and wait until I had my books
before going on to his own. He would stand there even when
Robert Royce joined me, and he would glare unhappily,
suspiciously, hardly talking, lingering alongside or just
behind us like an angry storm cloud. It was the only thing
that put darkness in my heart these days.

"Stop daydreaming and watch where you're walking,"
Gary ordered as a car sped past us.

The invasion of tourists had begun in small ways. The
entire Cape was busier now on weekends, but traffic during
the week was still at a lazy crawl down Commercial Street.
Our route in the morning took us down side streets to May's
school. At the gate we each kissed her and signed our goodbyes,
Cary putting on his best Daddy-like face to warn her
to behave herself, as if she ever needed a warning. There was
no one sweeter, no one more gentle and fragile and loving
than our May. Although Doctor Nolan assured us her
deafness had nothing to do with it, May's growth wasas diminutive as a doll's, her hands so small they barely
covered Gary's or my palms when we held them.

All of us protected and loved her dearly, but sometimes I
would catch Daddy gazing at her, unaware that anyone was
looking at him, and I would see the most terrible expression
of sadness on his face, his eyes glazed with trapped tears, his
lower lip trembling just enough to be noticed. Then he
would become aware of what he was doing, and he would
snap into a firm posture, wiping away any emotion from his
face. I never saw Daddy really cry, and the only times I saw
him with his head down was when he was praying or after a
particularly hard day of fishing.

At her school, May turned back after she had started
through the gate and smiled at me impishly as she signed:
"Don't kiss Robert too much." She giggled and ran into the
building with the other children. I glanced at Gary, but he
pretended not to have seen her and started off, his steps so
deliberate I thought he would leave footprints in the sidewalk.

It was Friday, and tonight was the school's spring dance.
For the first time in my life, I would have a real date for a
school party. Robert Royce had asked me. It was to be our
first formal date. Up until now, we had just met in places by
accident or after we had timidly suggested to each other we
might be someplace at the given time.

Robert had enrolled in our school in late February. His
parents had purchased the Sea Marina, a hotel with fifty
rooms on the northwest end of town. As soon as spring
came, they had begun the restoration of the old resort,
repairing, painting, planting, and pruning the landscape.
Robert was an only child, so there were no other children to
help Charles and Jayne Royce. Robert explained that his
family had put most of their money into the purchase of the
property and had to do most of the work themselves.
Because of that, he went home directly after school most
days and was very busy on the weekends, especially now
that the summer season was fast approaching.

I had hoped Gary would find Robert's devotion to his


family and their business admirable. He and Robert really
tiad a lot in common, but from the moment Robert had the
courage to step up to me in the hallway and begin a
conversation right in front of Gary, Cary's eyes grew small
and dark whenever Robert was around me.

Robert always tried to include him in conversation, but
Cary's responses were short, sometimes not much more
than a grunt or a shrug. I was afraid Robert would be either
frightened away or bothered so much by Cary's behavior
that he would stop speaking to me and walking with me, but
instead he grew bolder and even took a break from working
on the hotel and visited me at home one Saturday.

Cary had gone to the dock to work on the lobster boat
engine with Daddy and Roy Patterson. I introduced Robert
to Mommy and to May, and May fell in love with him faster
than I had. Robert was good at picking up signing, too.
Before he left that day, he had learned to say "hello,"
"good-bye," and "I'm very, very hungry."

Later, when Gary returned and Mommy told him and
Daddy I had had company, Gary turned white and then
bright red when he asked me why I hadn't brought him
down to the dock.

"I didn't want to interrupt you," I explained. Actually, I
was grateful for the privacy, for not having Cary hovering
over us.

He looked hurt and then angry.

"Ashamed of what we do?" he asked.
" "Of course not," I protested. "And besides, you've spoken
to Robert. You know he's not like that. He doesn't come
from a snobby family, Cary. If anyone's family is snobby,
it's ours."

Cary grunted, reluctant to admit I was right.

MHe probably knew I was down at the dock all day," he
muttered.

"What? Why would that matter, Cary?"

"It matters," he said. "Believe me, all these guys take
< advantage, Laura. You're just too trusting. It's why I have to
look out for you," he declared.


"No, you don't, not with Robert, and I am not too
trusting, Cary Logan. You don't know everything there is to
know about me, and you certainly know nothing about
romance," I flared, and stomped up to my room, closing the
door behind me.

After my heart stopped pounding and I grew calm, I lay back and thought about my wonderful afternoon with
Robert, walking on the beach, holding his hand, just talking.
We told each other about ourselves, our favorite foods
and colors and books. He was surprised that we didn't have
a television set, but he refused to criticize Daddy when he
learned it was Daddy's decision.

"Your father's probably right," he said. "You do read
more than anyone I know and you're a great student."

He smiled that sort of smile that embeds itself in your
mind, prints itself on the surface of your memory, embossed
behind your eyelids whenever you close them and think about him. He had azure-blue eyes that turned
opaque whenever he spoke deeply or seriously to me, but
when he smiled, his eyes brightened as if they had drawn
sunshine into them. It was the sort of smile that warmed
your heart, infectious, sweeping away any cobwebs of
gloom.

Robert was about an inch taller than Cary and just as
broad-shouldered. He had longer arms, but was not as
muscular. He wore his light brown hair short and always
neatly brushed at the sides with just a slight wave in front.
Because he was a year older and a senior, we didn't have any
classes together, but I knew he was a good student and his
teachers liked him because he was polite and inquisitive.

Cary had never been a very good student. He wore school
like a pair of pants two sizes too small, reluctant to get in,
struggling to be comfortable, relieved when the end-of-the
day bell rang. He hated being shut up and regimented by the
clock and the rules. He was truly a fish out of water.

Consequently, Robert Royce's success in school was
another thing Cary resented. He hated whenever Robert
and I got into discussions about history or a book we'd read


for class. To Gary, it was as if we had begun to speak in a
different language. On a few occasions, however, Robert did

try to talk about his family's problems with the hotel,
construction difficulties, the use of tools and paints, things
Cary understood and appreciated. Almost as reluctant as
someone sitting in a dentist's chair, Cary would settle into
conversation, offering his suggestions as dryly and as
quickly as he could.

Later, Cary would tell me Robert should stick to quizzes
in history and leave the real work to men more qualified.
That only brought a smile to my face and a look of
confusion to Gary's.

"What?" he demanded. "What is so funny now, Laura? I
swear, you walk around with a stupid grin on your face all
$he time these days. You just don't know how silly you
look."

"You simply can't admit you like him, can you, Cary?" I
said, and he reddened.

"I don't," he insisted. "There's nothing to admit."

Despite this gloomy prognosis, I hoped and prayed Cary
would eventually become friends with Robert, especially

after he had asked me to the school dance. Mommy really
liked Robert, but Daddy hadn't met him yet and I knew he
wouldn't give me permission to go to the dance with him
until he had, so the Saturday after he had asked me, I
invited him to the house for lunch.

Robert charmed Mommy again by bringing her a box of

candy. Cary called it a bribe, but I patiently explained it was

j*nly a polite gesture, something people invited to lunch or

dinner often do. As usual, he grunted and turned away
rather than admit I might be right.

At lunch, Robert sat beside me and across from Cary,
Ifno kept his eyes down and refused to talk. We began our
i as usual with a reading from the Bible. I had warned
that was something Daddy always did. Daddy
I when he opened the holy book and gazed at Robert.
"Perhaps our guest has a suggestion," he said. Cary
ed to smile. It was Daddy's little test. He was always


IS


tecturing us that young people were slipping into sin faster
because they didn't know their Bible.

Robert thought a moment and said, "I like Matthew,
Chapter Seven." Daddy raised his eyebrows. He glanced at
Gary, who suddenly looked glum.

"You know that one, Cary?" Daddy asked.

Gary was silent and then Daddy handed Robert the Bible.

Robert opened it, smiled at me, and glanced at Cary
before beginning in a soft, silky voice.

"'Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what
judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged ...'"

He read on and then looked up. Daddy nodded.

"Good," he said. "Good words to remember."

"Yes sir, they are," Robert said, and Daddy and he began
a conversation about the tourist business, the old Sea
Marina and how Daddy remembered it. I was afraid Daddy
would take off on his and Grandma Olivia's favorite pet
peeve--how the tourists were ruining the Cape--but he
was civil and said nothing critical.

Cary sulked with his back against the chair, only speaking
when he wanted someone to pass him a dish.

Robert confessed that he knew little about, the lobster
fishing business, and even less about the sea and boats.

"We've been so busy fixing up the place, I haven't had
much time for anything else," he explained.

"That's all right. Your parents need you first. Maybe after
lunch, you can come down to the dock and see our rig,"
Daddy said and looked at Cary. But after lunch Cary
claimed he had work to do on one of his models and had
spent enough time on the boat that week anyway.

I took May's hand and Robert took her other hand the
way Cary always did. The three of us followed Daddy down
to the dock. I turned and looked back at the house and
thought I saw Cary looking out of an upstairs window. For a1
moment I felt like bursting into tears, but Robert's ,smile j
drove that feeling away quickly and we continued on.

Most important, Daddy approved of Robert that day |


and so tonight I would be attending the school dance with my very first boyfriend. The school was buzzing like a
beehive all day long. Everyone was 'fidgety In their seat in
class and the cafeteria sounded like a hundred more students
had enrolled that morning. Only Gary moved like a
somber mourner through the halls, his face gray, his eyes
dark. He sat silently, eating mechanically in the cafeteria. "Why don't you ask Millie Stargel to the dance tonight,
Gary?" I suggested when Robert and I sat down with him.
"I know no one has asked her yet."

Gary stopped chewing and looked at me with such pain in
i Us eyes, I got a huge lump in my throat and couldn't ; swallow for a moment.

| "Millie Stargel?" He laughed. It was a wild, loud, and I frightening laugh. "Whose idea was that, his?" he said,
[ nodding at Robert.

"No, I just thought--"

' "She's a pretty girl," Robert said, "and I bet she'd love to go."

"So why don't you ask her?" Gary retorted.
Robert smiled softly and gazed at me.
"I've already got a date," he said.
*Then why are you looking at other girls?" Gary shot
Sack at him.

"I'm not. I was only saying--"

"See, I warned you," Gary said to me and got up. "These
are stupid anyway," he said. "Hanging out in the
il gym is not my idea of fun. If I go on a date, I'm not
to bring her back to this place."

"Gary," I called as he started away. He just glared back
continued out of the cafeteria.

He'H be all right," Robert said, and put his hand over
"One day he'll meet someone and his heart will
id just like mine did when I first looked at you."
I nodded.

But I didn't have as much confidence in something like
happening to Gary anytime soon.


F

V. C. ANDREWS


Not for a moment. And I knew that until Gary was happy,
I would have a very hard time being happy myself.


It seemed to me Cary deliberately walked" a great deal
slower than usual when we left school. He didn't have to be
a genius to see how eager I was to get back to the house.

"May. will be waiting for us," I complained. "I'm not
waiting for you to catch up," I added.

"So go on by yourself," he said, and I hurried away.

May was actually just coming out of her school when I
arrived. I signed for her to hurry and we started for home.
Cary was so far behind, he was still out of sight of May's
school. May asked where he was and I told her he was being \ a brat. She looked back, confused, but she didn't slow down.
She knew why I was hurrying home and she was almost as 1
excited as I was. When we got to our house she asked if shel
could help me get ready for the dance and I signed back that! I would need all the help I could get. May laughed and!
signed that she thought I was already beautiful, so l|
wouldn't be needing much help at all.

Despite May's words of encouragement, I wanted to dol
something special with my hair. I had shown Mommy a I
picture of a girl in Seventeen and told her I wanted to style!
my hair that way. She said she would help. She was almost]
as good at it as a regular beautician. So after I showered and]
washed my hair, I sat at my vanity table and Mommy beganj
to brush out my hair and trim it. May sat on the stool besid
me and watched, her eyes full of excitement. She was full o\ questions.

Why, she wanted to know, did I have to change the wa
my hair looked?

"This is a special occasion," I told her. "I want to try 1
look as good as I can."

"Oh, you'll be beautiful, Laura," Mommy said. "You't
the prettiest girl in the school."

"Oh Mommy."

"You are. Cary says so."


"He's . . . prejudiced," I said.

"I remember there was a girl named Elaine Whiting when
I was in school. She was so pretty everyone thought she
would become a movie star. All the boys tried so hard to be
the first to ask her to the school dances. I never saw her
without every hair being in place and there wasn't a boy
whose head didn't spin when she walked by. I bet it's the
same for you," Mommy said with a wonderfully happy
smile on her face. She was looking at me in the mirror, but
her eyes seemed to be focused on her own fantasy. I could
tell that neither she nor Daddy had ever heard a nasty
whisper about Cary and me. It would just break her heart if
she knew what some of the students in the school thought.
Ugly rumors could be like infectious diseases, corrupting,
rotting, sickening even the most healthy of souls.

'Which boys did you go to dances with, Mommy?" I ; asked her.

*"Oh, no one ever asked me. I was what you would call a

lower," she said with a smile.
'I'm sure you weren't, Mommy."

*'I was frightfully shy, especially around boys. I was glad

my father and Samuel planned my marriage to your

. »


"What? Your marriage was arranged?"

*"Well, I guess you could call it that, though it really
a't as bad as it sounds. Our fathers discussed it and I
Grandpa Samuel told your father and he decided I
do, and he began to take an interest in me.
< She paused and laughed at a memory.
"What?"

I*'! was just remembering the first time your father spoke
I was coming home from work at Gray's Pharmacy
i he slowed down in his truck and asked if I wanted a
I knew who he was. Everyone knew who the Logans
, Anyway, I didn't reply. I kept walking, afraid to even
my head toward him. He drove ahead and then
and waited until I reached him and he leaned out


and asked me again. I shook my bead without speaking and[ kept walking."

"Then what happened?" I asked, breath bated.

"He drove off and I thought that was the end of it, butl
when I turned the corner and started down the street toward!
my home, there he was. He had parked his truck and
leaning against the door, waiting for me. I tell you I wasl
terrified," she admitted and then glanced at May, who wasl
tilting her head, wondering what Mommy was talking about |
for so long.

"I almost turned around and went the other way, but I j
kept walking, and when I reached him, he stood up and
said, 'I'm glad you didn't accept my offer out of hand, Sar
Shows you're not a frivolous young lady. Your father and
mine have been talking about how we would make a go
couple. I'd like permission to come calling on you ne
Saturday, properly.'

"Well, that just took my breath away," she said. "You!
I had no idea of my father's plan up until then. I didn't eve
know he and Samuel Logan were friends. Well, once
recovered, your father asked, 'Do I have your permission^
and I nodded. 'Thank you,' he said and drove off, leavui
me standing there with the most befuddled look on my fac
I'm sure."

"Did he come calling the following Saturday?"

"He did and then we began to go out on dates. Our fathei
had discussed our marriage, but Jacob didn't bring me I
see Olivia for some time. She wasn't exactly demanding 1
bring me up to the house," she added.

"Why not?"

"I think Olivia Logan had someone else in mind for yo
father, someone more . ,. wealthy, someone with a
position," she said. "But Grandpa Samuel had gone :
and discussed it with my father and Jacob took a liking \ me, so that was that. No matter," she said with a small wa
of her hand. "That's all in the past now. Let's get back J
your hair," she said excitedly.

"Did you have a nice wedding, Mommy?" I asked, i


2O


ready to give up the first glimpse I'd gotten into my parents' early life together.

"It was a simple wedding at Olivia and Samuel's home.
Judge Childs married us.'*

"I never heard you talk about your honeymoon,
Mommy."

"That's because I didn't have one."

"You didn't?"

"Not really. Your father had to go back to work the next day. We told ourselves we would take a vacation soon, but
we didn't. Life," she said with a sigh, "life just takes over.
Before I knew it, I was pregnant with you and Gary. Don't
took so sad, Laura," she said, gazing at me in the mirror.
"I'm not an unhappy woman."

"I know you're not, Mommy, but I just wish you had a
chance to travel, to have some fun, to leave Provincetown
just once. No one in our family ever leaves here. . . . No one
except Uncle Chester and Aunt Haille. Mommy, I never
understood why Daddy stopped talking to Uncle Chester
and why Uncle Chester and Aunt Haille left Province
town," I said.

"You know your father doesn't want us talking about
them, Laura."

"I know, but--"

"This is such a happy time. Please, dear," she begged. She
idosed her eyes and then opened them as she often did when
she wanted to just forget or skip over something unpleasant.
^1 didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but Uncle Chester
*nd Aunt Haille remained the big mystery in our family,
and I just naturally wondered what had complicated their
love affair and marriage to make them outcasts in ouf
femily,

^, But Mommy was right: Tonight was not the time to pres&
for answers.

,»"Okay, Mommy," I said. She looked grateful. I smiled
^«ad turned to May, who was signing and demanding to
know what all the talk was about. I told her as much as I could. While I was signing, I heard the creak in the


floorboards above and realized Gary was in his attic workshop.
I glanced up at the ceiling, thinking about him,
thinking about how he would spend one of my most
wonderful nights, alone and bitter.

Suddenly, I saw what looked like a pinhole of light in the
ceiling. My breath caught and I brought my hand to my
chest.

"What's wrong, dear?" Mommy asked.

"What? Nothing," I said. "That looks fine, Mommy. I
better lay out my clothes now," I said quickly.

She stepped back and nodded. I glanced up at the ceiling
again. The light was gone, as if someone had covered the
hole. Why hadn't I ever noticed it before? I wondered. My
fingers trembled as I sifted through my closet to find my
most beautiful dress, the pink taffeta Mommy had made for
me. It was the only formal dress I owned.

It was a good dancing dress, too. All week I had been
practicing dancing with it on. May sat on the bed and
watched and then, when she got up her nerve, joined and
imitated me. We laughed and grew dizzy.

Now I thought about the hole in the ceiling and wondered
if Gary had been watching us all that time. Did he feel so
left out? Was that why he would do that? How long had the
hole been there? The thought of Gary watching me muddled
my brain for a moment, and I just stood there, holding the
dress.

"Are you happy with the dress, Laura?" Mommy asked.
"I know it's not as expensive as some of the dresses other I
girls will be wearing."

"What? Oh. Yes, Mommy. I just love this dress."

I took it out of the closet and lay it on the bed. Then 1
took out my shoes.

"Well," Mommy said, "I'd better get downstairs and
work on dinner for your father, Gary, and May. Call me j
when you're all ready," she said. "I can't wait to see you.
Oh, and I want you to wear my necklace tonight," she said. I

I started to shake my head. Mommy's necklace was her?
only really expensive piece of jewelry. Even her wedding J


fibg was not that expensive, because Daddy thought it was a
waste of money to buy something elaborate when a mere
silver band would serve the same purpose.
"I can't, Mommy."

"Sure you can, honey. When do I get a chance to wear it?
? I want you to wear it for me, okay?"
I nodded hesitantly.

"Come along, May," she signed, "and help me with
f- dinner tonight. Laura has too much to do."
"Oh, I can help, Mommy."

"No you can't, honey. I told you, I never went to a school
dance, but I wanted to very much. Tonight,'* she said with a
*$eep sigh, "you're going for me, too."

"Oh Mommy, thank you," I said. She held out her arms
tnd I hugged her back.

*" I felt tears prickling under my lids and quickly kissed her
and turned away to take a deep breath. After she and
had left, I sat at my vanity table and began to paint my
ils. I started to daydream, imagining what it was
Ing to be like to be dancing in Robert's arms, floating
the balloons and the lights, feeling him holding me
occasionally brushing his lips over my hair.
% deep creak in the ceiling pulled me from my reverie and
me of the peephole in my ceiling. I gazed up at it
I got up and went into the bathroom. I was angry,
Ihen I began to feel sorry for Gary. I knew I was shutting
out of a part in my life, a part he could never enter
yet he had to understand that I was growing up and
things that once amused me, amused us, were no longer He'll soon realize it, I convinced myself. He has to. the meantime, I didn't want to do anything else to break
heart.

[y thoughts returned to the dance. I was so excited, I had
down and rest before I got dressed. I know I dozed for
an hour before my eyes snapped open and I sat up,
tened I had slept too long. I was only asleep for twenty
:es, but still I hurried to put on my dress. Then I put
a little more lipstick than ever before and perfected my


,fiai'r before taking a deep breath and gazing at myself in the mirror.

Was I really pretty, as pretty as Mommy claimed? Robert
thought I was and, of course, Cary did, too, "but I never felt
like the girl Mommy had described. I never thought all the
boys were looking my way or that I had even turned a single
head. I wasn't ugly, I decided, but I was no raving, movie
actress beauty. I had to keep my feet on the ground and not
let my ego swell like so many other girls I knew at school.

Everyone was just finishing dinner when I went downstairs.
Mommy slapped her hands together and cried out as
soon as I entered the dining room. Daddy sat back, nodding,
and May was smiling from ear to ear. Cary wore a
strange, dark look.

"You're beautiful, honey. Just beautiful. Isn't she, Jacob?"
Mommy said.

"Vanity is a sin, Sara. She looks fine, but there's no reason
to blow her so full of steam she explodes," Daddy chastised.
However, he wore a very proud expression as well.

"Now you just wait right there," Mommy said, and she
hurried out of the dining room.

"How do I look, Cary?" I asked him. I couldn't stand the
fact that he wouldn't look my way.

"Fine," he said quickly and dropped his gaze to his plate.

"I might have thought you'd be going to the dance, too,"
Daddy told him.

"It's stupid," Cary muttered.

"How's that?"

"I'm not interested in any old dance," he snapped
Daddy's eyebrows lifted.

"Well, it's a well-chaperoned affair, isn't it? Teachers are
there, right?"

"What's that matter, Dad?" Cary said with a smirk,
"Teachers are in school, too, but kids smoke in the bathrooms
and do other things."

"What other things?"

"Other things," Cary said, realizing he was digging bin


self a Aofe Ac njjg&t not easily of/aid out of He looked to me, but I said nothing. "Dumb things kids do."

"Laura's a good girl," Daddy said, looking at me. "She
wouldn't do anything to embarrass this family."
Gary smirked and looked away.

"Of course I won't, Daddy," I said, my eyes fixed on
Gary. Mommy returned, her necklace in hand.

"I wanted her to wear this tonight, Jacob," she said,
looking to him for his approval. He nodded slightly and she
put it on me, fastening it and then running her fingers over
the garnets and sparkling diamond. "Doesn't it look nice on
ner?"

"Be careful with that," Daddy warned.
"I will. Thank you, Mommy." *We heard the doorbell.
"That'll be Robert," I said.

^"Qh, she should have a shawl, don't you think, Jacob?"
"Sure. It's getting pretty nippy these nights," Daddy said.
[Mommy went to the closet to get hers for me and I went I the door to let Robert in.

le looked terribly handsome in his jacket and tie. He was
ying a small box in his hands.
"It's a corsage," he declared.

jjf*Oh, that's very thoughtful," Mommy said. Robert
a hello to May, who beamed beside me. Then he
the box and took out the corsage of red roses, my
rite. They matched the garnets perfectly.
Sfou'll have to pin it on," I told him. He looked at
ay helplessly for a moment" and then tried, but his
i were clumsy with his nervousness.
"I'll do it," Mommy said, coming to our rescue. Robert
with relief and stepped back to watch her pin it on


e, that's very pretty," Mommy said,
ank you, Mommy/'

should get moving," Robert said. "Don't want to
Ethe opening dance."


"Have a wonderful time," Mommy said. Daddy came up j
behind her and looked at Robert.

"You look fine, boy," he said. "Now remember," he
added with a scowl, "I want her home before midnight."

"Yes, sir," Robert said.

1 looked for Gary, but he hadn't come out of the dining
room.

"Good night, Cary," I called. There was no response. I
flashed a weak smile at Mommy, who nodded, her face full
of light, her eyes brighter than ever, and then Robert and I
stepped out into the night.

He opened the car door for me and I got in. He hurried
around and got behind the wheel.

"Well, I guess I have the prettiest date at the dance
tonight," he said and turned to me. "Laura, you look more
beautiful than I ever dreamed."

"Thank you, Robert. You're very handsome yourself."

"J guess we'll knock 'em dead then," he predicted and
started the engine.

As we backed out, I looked toward the front door, half]
expecting to see Cary, but he wasn't anywhere to be seen.


2

GO

I Could Have Danced
All Night


Robert," I said the moment we walked into the
al gymnasium and saw how wonderfully the dance
littee had decorated, "I wish Gary had come. He
Jdn't be so down on the dance if he saw what they've
: to this place. It looks like a real ballroom}"
P"I don't think that's really what kept him from coming,
Robert said softly. He smiled sympathetically, his
; soft and gentle. I nodded, knowing he was right.
: There was a makeshift stage directly in front of us for the
r-piece band. They were already playing, and the floor
crowded with dancers. Above us, ribbons of crepe
crisscrossed around mounds of multicolored balloons
long tails of tinsel. At the far right, there were long
: with red, green, and blue paper tablecloths set up for
food, and to the left and down the sides of the
sium, there were tables with the same color paper
Wecloths and chairs. A large poster on the left wall read:

; TO THE ANNUAL SPRING FESTIVAL.

yone was dressed up, some of the girls in dresses so
and expensive-looking, I was sure Mommy would
t what she had made for me was inadequate, even though


I thought my dress was just perfect. However, I was happy
now that I had agreed to wear Mommy's necklace. Many of
the girls wore earrings, necklaces, bracelets, and rings on
most of their fingers. It looked like a contest to see who
could be the most overdressed.

"Well," Robert said after we put my shawl on a chair and
set my purse aside, "why don't we join the fun?"

He led me onto the dance floor and we began dancing, As
we moved across the crowded floor, I felt as if everyone's
eyes were on us. When I let my gaze shift from Robert's, 1
saw some of the girls in my class gathered in a small pack,
watching us with twisted smiles on their faces. I felt
tightness in my stomach.

The music was loud and fast. I hoped I didn't Ic
foolish, but Robert seemed pleased. He was a very
dancer and I started to imitate some of his movements witi
my arms and hips. As long as I concentrated on him, fixe
my eyes on his, I felt secure and comfortable. He had su
an air of confidence about him. There was enough for me i
share.

When there was a pause between songs, we stop
embraced each other, and laughed. He turned me tov
the punch bowl, waving to some of the boys he knew an<j
they waved back, giving Robert the thumbs-up sign to inj
dicate they approved.

"We're going to have fun tonight," he promised, his eye
full of excitement. "We're going to dance until our feet; for mercy."

"Did I do all right out there?" I asked.

"Are you kidding? If they have a dance contest, we'r
entering," he said.

"Robert Royce, we are not." Just the thought of such i
thing took my breath away.

We drank some punch and ate some chips with che
dip. Marsha Winslow and the class president, Adam Jacl
son, joined us. Marsha was in charge of the party. She was
tall, attractive girl who spoke with a slightly nasal tone, as:


r^ \

I	MUSIC IN THE NIGHT


f She were looking down her nose at the rest of the world. She
I carried a clipboard.

I "Excuse me," she said, "but we don't have any record of
I your paying for your tickets."

"What? Of course you do. I gave the money to Betty
Margate," Robert said.

"Betty has you down, but not Laura," she replied.
"That's ridiculous."

;:, "Are you calling Marsha ridiculous?" Adam asked. "You
know, she doesn't get paid for doing all this work that
makes it possible for everyone else to enjoy themselves.
She's just doing her job."

I'm not calling her ridiculous. I'm just saying... where is Betty? There she is." Robert pointed. "Let's call her
»wer," he suggested.

"Good idea," Adam said, and he waved at Betty, who was
landing with Lorraine Rudolph. The two hurried over.
"What's up?" Betty demanded impatiently, her hand on
hip. It was as if she had been asked to wallow with the
icsirables.

."Robert Royce claims," Marsha said, rolling her eyes,
; he paid for Laura, too, but that's not indicated on the
: I have."
"I gave you the money in the cafeteria last Tuesday,"

: insisted. "Remember?"

"Whatever is written on the paper is what I received," 1 said in a singsong, smug voice. "I don't have to steal
' ticket money." L"I didn't say you stole it," Robert cried, growing increas

frustrated.

?Ml only have one ticket marked off after your name,"
repeated. "That means you paid for only one


"I can't believe this," Robert said. fe*Are you sure you just didn't think you paid for Laura?
ybe you weren't sure she was going with you last
Lorraine quipped, a tight smile on her lips. She
1 her eyes to Adam and back to Robert.


I'll


V. C. ANDREWS


"Of course, I'm sure. I paid," Robert maintained.

"All the money checks out," Marsha said.

"That means we don't have more money than tickets
issued," Adam added.

"I know what it means," Robert said.

"Do you have the tickets, Robert?" I whispered. He
thought a moment and then nodded with a confident smile
pulling them out of the inside of his sports jacket.

"If I didn't pay for them, how did I get them?" he asked
Marsha, thrusting the tickets in front of her face.

She gazed at the tickets and then looked at her clipboan
again.

"I don't understand," she said.

"Maybe Betty gave him two tickets and he promised t<
give her the money for the second one later," Adafl
suggested.

"Yes," Betty said quickly. "That's it."

"No, it's not and you know it," Robert insisted.

"Betty's too responsible to give out tickets and not collec
the money for them," I suggested calmly. Everyone pause*
and gazed at me a moment. "Someone just made a simpl
mistake."

"Well..." Marsha glanced at Adam.

"I don't think Robert would steal a dance ticket, do you?'
I followed.

"I hope not," Betty blurted.

"We'll straighten it out later," Marsha said. "Right now
we're all wasting time when we should be having fun."

"Exactly," Adam said, taking her arm. "To the danct
floor, Madam Chairman."

The others laughed and then left with them.

"That was a pretty stupid bit of meanness," Robert said
glaring after them.

"Maybe it was just an honest mistake, Robert."

He continued to glare in their direction, just daring one o
them to look back at us.

"Somehow, I doubt it," he said. "Those kind don't mafc
honest mistakes."


r

MUSIC IN THE NIGHT


"Let's not let them ruin our night, Robert," I said,
; his hand. He relaxed, smiled at me, and nodded.
"Right. Shall we?" he asked, taking the punch glass from
' hand and putting it on one of the tables.
riSSfe returned to the dance floor. It didn't take us long to
t lost in the music and each other. We soon forgot about
s ticket incident and danced until I declared my feet were
begging for mercy. Robert laughed and suggested it
i time we had something to eat anyway.
"I guess we've worked up an appetite."
We got in line and filled our plates. Some of the girls in
English class complimented me on my dancing, and
i who had come together without dates gathered around

, commenting on his dancing ability too.
Theresa Patterson was there with some of her Brava
ads. They kept to themselves, but Theresa gave me a
lit, friendly smile when I waved.
11 looked over the endless plates of food I had to give
t devils their due: Betty and Marsha had planned a
I party. There were steamed clams, of course, and
I sorts of chicken dishes, including Southern fried, bowls
ar pasta, salads, plates of fruit, loaves of Portuguese
, rolls, and a table of desserts that would surely be the
t to be picked clean.

we were satisfied we'd taken a bit of everything to
tie, Robert and I sat with some of his friends and their
Everyone was so excited, they all talked at once. I
was having the time of my life, and when Robert
i over to give me a small, quick kiss on the cheek, I

and told him how much'fun I was having.
I'm so glad," he said. "I was worried when Cary was so

I about the dance. I thought he might--"
flight what?"

: you out of coming," Robert confessed. t could never do that. We may be twins, but I still have
I of my own, Robert."
at's good," he said, smiling.
tou should know that by now, and if you don't, you will


soon," I promised. Even I was surprised at how seductively
it came out. His eyes widened with his smile. I turned away
quickly, afraid I would become so crimson, everyone at the
table would notice.

After we ate, the music got slower and the lights grew
dim. I liked this kind of dancing more because I could rest
my head against Robert's shoulder and feel his arms around
me. We swayed to the rhythm, neither of us wanting to spoilf
the moment by talking. Occasionally, I felt his lips on my
forehead and hair. My heart pounded so hard, I was sure 1
could feel it against his chest.

"I'm so glad you came to the dance with me, Laura,'
whispered.

"Me too," I said.

"Maybe ... we can leave a little earlier and just take
ride along the shore. It's a beautiful night," he said.

"I'd like that, Robert."

We moved through the shadows and light. I was dazzle
by the glow of the round lanterns, and for a while, it was i
if Robert and I were the only ones at the dance. Everyon
else just faded away.

That is until I heard Janet Barker's sharp, cold laugh i
behind us and turned to see her standing with Adas
Jackson, Marsha, Betty, and Lorraine. Brad Laughton an|
Grant Simpson had joined them as well. Why weren't the
dancing? I wondered. Did they come here just to watch i
make fun of others? They kept looking our way an^
laughing.

"What's with them now?" Robert muttered.

"I don't care," I said, but he couldn't stop gazing at them
his eyes filling more and more with fury.

"It's got something to do with us," he said sharply an
stopped dancing.
"Robert, forget about them."

"I'd like to know what's so damn funny," he said, takin
my hand and crossing the dance floor toward them. The
parted, expecting we would walk in between them, bi
Robert paused.


S8*tWhy don't you let us in on your little joke," he said


rf*Ixcuse me?" Adam said with his self-satisfied smirk.

want to hear a little joke?"
IJrfhey all laughed.

if What is it with you people?" Robert pursued. I tried to
his hand, but he was determined to have his say. "Are
trying to ruin our good time? I feel sorry for you if
Ps all you have to keep you occupied."
'Are you kidding me?" Adam said, surprised that anyone
would dare question his actions.
"Well?"

"We just wondered why Laura's brother didn't come to
dance. Couldn't he afford a ticket?" Lorraine asked.
'Robert could have bought him one the same way he

Laura's," Adam suggested.
"That's not funny," Robert said, stepping toward him.

took a step back and held up his hands,
ley, take it easy. You wanted to hear a little joke, didn't

»9


^That's not a joke. You're a joke," Robert shot back. te"Whoa, buddy," Brad said. Robert's glare put him back a
too. They all looked so shallow and cowardly to me,

i their expensive clothing and jewels,
ame on, Robert," I said. "Let's not waste any more of 1 time on them."

reason we were wondering about your brother,"
: said, "is Grant just came in from having a cigarette
I said he saw him loitering in the parking lot."
.t?"

t's right. He's out there in the cold, dreaming of
_; in here with his sister," Brad blurted.
^"Robert's arm shot out so quickly, I didn't realize he had
I until I saw his hand bounce off Brad's chest, sending
i back so awkwardly he lost his balance and landed hard
i the gym floor. Some of the kids around him started to
. He turned red, but after scurrying back to his feet, he
r his distance.


"That was very rude,." Betty exclaimed. "Maybe wher
you come from, that happens all tjie time, but we aren't]
allowed to do that at our parties." Her eyes widened and she
groaned. "Oh no! Mr. Rosner's coming across the flc
already. He'll make us cut the party short if there's any wild
or stupid stuff and I worked hard to make this a success!"
she cried, her mouth twisted and distorted.

"What's going on here?" Mr. Rosner demanded,
hands on his hips. He looked from Brad to Robert and then
at the others.
"Just a silly joke, Mr. Rosner," Adam said, smooth
cutting in front of him. "It's nothing. We're all cool."

Mr. Rosner studied everyone and although he wasn't
satisfied, nodded.

"I don't want to see any roughhousing," he warned.

"You won't," Adam said. "I guarantee it, sir. As class
president, I'll take full responsibility."

"I'm sure you will, Mr. Jackson," Mr. Rosner said. Whet
his eyes fixed on me, he calmed down. "You all look verj
nice," he said, "and up until now, this has been a very ni«
affair. I hope you'll continue to make us proud of you."

"Thank you, Mr. Rosner," Lorraine said sweetly. I sa\]
the corner of his mouth twitch as he turned and star
away.

"That was close," Adam said, glaring at Robert.

"It wasn't his fault," I said.

"No, that's for sure," Betty said. "Actually, we all fee
sorry for him."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Robert demanded.

"Robert, come on," I pleaded, desperate to get Robei
away before they could elaborate on their ugly rumors.

"No, what's it supposed to mean?" he pursued.

"Why don't you go out and ask her brother?" Jane
quipped and they all started to smile.

"Shall we dance?" Adam asked Marsha, holding out hii
hand.

"Anything to get away from this incestuous atmosphere,'


said and they all laughed as they broke up to go their
ways and leave us standing alone.

rich--"

t's all right, Robert. Let's not pay attention to them."
nodded and then looked at me.
you think Grant was telling the truth? Do you think
hanging around out there?"
[r*"I hope not," I said. "I'm sure he made it up just to hurt


Robert forced a smile.

'you want to go for that ride now," he said finally, "it's
with me. The air is getting stale in here."
'**Yes, I would," I answered him in what I hoped was a

tone of voice.
'His mood softened.

|*30reat. I want to be sure to get you home before twelve,"
jJ8id. "I wouldn't want your father mad at me."
^*%fost of the time, Daddy's growl is worse than his bite,"


I'm not worried about being bitten; I'm worried about
[ forbidden," Robert said, slipping his hand into mine,
bidden to see you."

eyes met and I felt a warm glow travel from my
to my heart. Was it possible to want to be with
more than I wanted to be with Robert? I didn't
so. Surely, this was what love was, and it had
to me so soon after we had set our eyes on each
r, it must be true love. Did that mean it was written in
i stars like it had been for Romeo and Juliet? That was
, as long as we didn't have the same destiny, I thought.
(Started out of the gymnasium, gazing back only once
Betty and Adam looking our way and laughing. It
me with dread because it was as if they knew some11
didn't.


i were some students huddled in the shadows and
5 outside, but I didn't see Gary anywhere. I released



1	V. C. ANDREWS


i	the breath I had held in my lungs and walked quickly;
' the front of the school toward the parking lot. We got ; Robert's car and glanced at each other, both of us feelii
nervous and excited. Robert took a deep breath and starte
the car. Then he turned to me.

"You all right with this?" he asked softly.

"Yes, Robert." I slid over to be closer to him and
smiled.

We drove out of the parking lot slowly. I looked back <
and thought I saw a shadow scurrying away from a car. 1
moment, the shadow disappeared in the darkness and
lost.

"You see something?"

"No," I said, shaking my head and turning back.

We drove quietly for a while, following the road out to I
Point.

"I know the artist who lives down that road," I said, wh
we passed a beach road. "His name's Kenneth Childs.'. Judge Childs's son."
"I've heard of him," Robert said. "In fact, I think we 1
one of his paintings in the hotel. It was there when
bought the place."

"Most likely. He is one of our most famous artists. He's
nice man, but keeps to himself. Some people call him]
hermit."

"I'd still like to meet him. I like his painting in the hote
Robert said, putting his arm around my shoulders as
slowed the car.

"I took a few exploratory rides down this way recentl^
he said.

"Oh? And for what reason?" I teased.

"Just to see the countryside," he claimed with an impi^
little smile.

Moments later he turned down a narrow beach road <
then switched off the headlights as he continued a few;
farther. Darkness closed in behind us and on both sides, 1
before us was the ocean, with the dazzling sea of stars abo<|
it and the moonwalk that went to the end of the wor


1 times before, Gary and I had sat in the darkness and
up at the vastness of space vnXh a\\ the stats
, but it never set my heart pounding as it did this
> While I leaned against Robert's shoulder, feeling his
i on my hair and then on my forehead before his lips
e touched my ears, my cheeks, and my eyes. I turned to I my lips to his and we shared a long, soft kiss.

t," he said, stroking my hair. He put his cheek to
band whispered in my ear. "When I first saw you in
, I felt as if your face was immediately printed in my
,That first day, I looked for you everywhere, and if I
classes and didn't see you, I was sick with disapnent."
I you, too, but I didn't think you were looking at
i a special way."

at was because I was too shy to say anything. I
; you would take one good look at my face and know
I fallen head over heels. I was afraid you would laugh at

t


[never would."

[know that now," he said, putting the tips of his fingers
Ups. "But I didn't know it until I spoke to you and r wonderful you really were. I was walking around in
am, even at home. I remember I walked right into
en door and bumped my forehead. My father
; I was taking drugs or something. Then my mother
I at me and said, 'He met a girl. I don't know anything
would turn a boy his age into a clumsy, absent
loaf.'" ', said that?"

' mother has a great sense of humor," Robert said. "I
[wait for you to meet her."

; she meet all your girlfriends?" I asked. He smiled,
n't had many girlfriends, and never one like you,"
'Before you, what I felt for other girls was a
yr's crush, but when I look at you, Laura, I know it's
I hope you feel the same way." 4o, Robert," I said. "I really do," I added, and we


V.C.ANDREWS


kissed again. This time he kept kissing me, moving his;

down to my neck. I closed my eyes and let my head i
against his shoulder. His hands moved along my ribs, c
my dress, his fingers sliding over the material and then u]
my breasts. At first, I instinctively brought my hands up
stop him, but the tingle was so pleasant and warmed me
wonderfully, I let him continue.

Robert sensed my hesitation and then my quick surr
der. It made him kiss me faster, harder, longer, his 1
rushing over mine before going to my neck, while his hai
lifted my breasts, his thumbs riding over the crests of th<
caressing my budding nipples.

A soft moan left my lips and I felt Robert gently push
down. He was over me, his fingers finding the zipper beh
my dress and carefully moving it down my back. I lifted
arms and he helped me fold the top of my dress to my wa
My eyes were closed as his fingers continued to explore ui
they unfastened my bra. For a long, delicious moment,
heart pounding, I thought I might die from anticipation a then, when his lips came down upon me, I thought I'd die pleasure.	j

The rush of excitement crashed against my better ju

meat. I knew I should tell him to slow down, but I felt lit

was floating, gently undulating on a wave of passion, a \

that was carrying me out too far. "Wait," I heard myself &

finally. "We're moving too quickly, Robert. I'm afraid."|

He lifted himself from me and I saw him above me, i

eyes closed. He took a deep breath and caught hold oft

wild passion that was pulling him forward, too.

"You're right, Laura," he said. "I just couldn't
myself."

"I know a lot of^ids wouldn't stop you,
understand if you're angry with me."

"No," he said, smiling. "It's just the opposite. I want i
be something special, very special. I want us to move| guJdUyas we both waattvtaove, azK/Joreas rnvbotb i
&>A?fK / rraof pounds & to last, Laura. /fsaffrdbJcnvyoiL "~ I nodded.


m	MUSK[NTHENCGHT

ft

ml&tyou, too, Robert." I reached up for him again, II
BJ&okhts head and pulled my bra down over myljreaji

ITwe don't stop now, I won't be able to, Laura,"
Bjbssed. He leaned back against the car door and I sat;
iM fixed my c\oX\ies. "fte \xa6 Vo \»e\p me wfti toj &


Then we just sat there in each other's arms, listenim
efchearts calm themselves, kissing gently every oncei
liBpe, and talking softly about the stars, our love,,
nBuBS. Suddenly, Robert looked at his watch.
iflpfow, I didn't realize how long we've been here. We

B|er get going or you'll be late for your curfew."
owe started the engine and put the car into reverse
iifird the tires spin, but the car didn't move. mjWhatthe. . ."

i we gunned the engine and the tires squealed, kickini
ive sand that slapped at the belly of the car, but still
tflpt move. He put the car into drive and tried to m Mjjmrd, then back, rocking the vehicle, but that did
St either.

fOh no," he moaned. He reached over to open the gl«
fcpartment to take out a flashlight. Then he got out a med the light on the rear tires. "I dug a bole in the sana fet realize it was so soft here!" Robert, what are we going to do?"
[11 have to run back until I can find a house with light:
ind make a call to a tow truck. I'm sorry. I've ruine«
tything. There's no way we can explain . . ."
uddenly, a set of headlights brightened up the sky, tert brought his hand to-his forehead to shade his eyes What the hell... Who?" W»jfM JtŁ&&t?"Jjtfite4 &&?Ł&?. can't make him out yet, but... I think it's Cary!" he red after another moment.

irned to look. I would never mistake that silhouetted It was Cary walking aJong the beach mad, his truck
i6rfxr 6a6nK/Ann,
" I cried as soon as he drew close enough.


"Got yourself in a bit of trouble, I see," Gary said with 1
hands on his hips, gazing down at the wheels.

t'Yes, I didn't realize--"

"That's because you aren't from around here," he
disdainfully. "You think these roads are like the old
back roads where you took your other girlfriends, huh?"|

"No," Robert protested, but Cary just turned to me.

"This was stupid, Laura," he said to me. "I thought y<|
knew better."

"What are you doing here, Cary? How did you find us^

"I saw you leave the school dance and thought you
going home. When you kept going toward the Point.,
well, just lucky for you I decided to trail along for a while

A while? I thought. We'd been here a long time. What i
he doing all that time?

He turned to Robert. "I'll back my truck in. I've gotl
chain on it. We'll hook it to the axle and pull you out. Get (
and put the car in neutral," he ordered. Robert got back ir
the car quickly. "And make sure you don't have any 1
on," Cary warned before returning to his truck.

"I can't believe . . . your brother," Robert mumbled,
turned and watched Cary turn the truck around and th^
back it up toward us. He approached with the chain
crawled under Robert's car. "Why would he follow us lij
this?" Robert whispered.

"Lucky for us he did," I replied, choosing not to
think about his question at the moment.

"It's all set," Cary called. "Get ready."

He returned to the truck and slowly drove forward,
felt Robert's car jerk and then lift out of the holes he
dug with the tires. The car bounced along the beach
until we were on more solid ground. Cary stopped
returned to detach his chain.

Robert stepped out.

"Thanks a lot," he said sheepishly.

"I didn't do it for you. I did it for Laura," Cary replie
He stepped over to my side of the car. "You better i
home with me, Laura," he said.


. take her home," Robert said,
; looks like it's safer if she drives with me," Gary said,
I even in the darkness, I could see Robert turn bright red.

I don't come home with Robert, Daddy will wonder
, Cary."
o?"
a're not going to tell him about this," I pleaded.

Jo, of course not," he said quickly. "Okay, but it's I late," he warned. He looked at Robert. "And I'm not
; to hang around here to bail you out again."
5 strutted back to his truck and then drove away. Robert
lack into the car and pulled out, driving slowly,
hy did he follow us, Laura?"

, was bored, I suppose," I said. It was weak, but it was
['could think to say.

he there all the time, sitting in his truck right
nd us? Watching us? Spying on us?" [ started to speak, but just shook my head instead.

: idiots back at the dance were right, you know. He
in the parking lot. You've got to help him, Laura,
jj've got to help him realize you can't be his little sister

Robert said.

know, Robert. Let's not talk about it right now,
I begged. Just thinking about Gary's weird obses
i with Robert and me brought tears to my eyes and put a

in my throat.

)kay," he said, and we were both uncomfortably silent
^«iy house came into view.

I'm sorry for what happened," Robert said after he
I in our driveway. "Cary was right to bawl me out for
[Just hope it didn't ruin your night."
3, it didn't. I had a wonderful time, Robert. Really, I


fe too," he said. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"
me call you. It'll be easier that way," I said.

If that's what you want." He looked worried,
call. I promise," I said. He smiled and we kissed


quickly before I hopped out of his car. "Thanks for
wonderful evening, Robert."

"Good night, Laura."

I closed the door and looked over at Gary's truck. He'
already in the house. When I entered, I found Daddy ha^j
waited up for me and was sitting in the living room reading
He looked up from his book. I held my breath, wonderii
whether Gary had decided to say something after all.

"Have a good time?" Daddy asked.

"Yes, Daddy. It was very nice."

"Everybody behaved themselves?"

"Yes, Daddy."

He nodded and then lowered his voice.

i j	"Your brother didn't come home much earlier than you.|
think he's got a secret girlfriend. Am I right?" he ask
quickly, unable to keep the hope from his voice.

I felt the blood dram from my face as I shook my head.]
hated lying to Daddy.

"I don't know, Daddy. He's never mentioned any girl i
me," I said.

Daddy stared at me a moment and then shrugged.

*'Oh well," he said, "he'll tell us when he wants to. I jv
hope it's not someone he thinks we'd be ashamed of.|
Daddy continued to gaze at me with questioning eyes.

I pressed my teeth on my lower lip and shook my head

"I don't know, Daddy." How I wished it were true tt
Gary had found a girlfriend, I thought sadly.

"Well," Daddy said, looking at the clock on the mant
"young Mr. Royce brought you home on time. Thatf
good." He sighed deeply and stretched out his arms. "It i
late though, so I guess I'll go to sleep, too," he added an
yawned. "Don't forget we're all going to Grandma Oliv
and Grandpa Samuel's tomorrow for brunch."

"Okay. Good night, Daddy," I said, happy to get
from his questioning eyes.

I hurried up the stairs. Pausing on the landing, I saw th
door to Gary's room was closed and quickly went into
own room, closing the door behind me. I leaned against I


Iftd caught my breath. It was only then that I finally felt
Hyself relax with relief.

JM&willing to take off my party dress just yet, I went to my
and sat there for a while, thinking about the magical
it Robert and I had shared. What an evening, I thought,
then my memories of Robert's kisses, Robert's embrace
touch returned, washing over me in a warm reverie. I
back with a sigh and closed my eyes, thinking about his
on my breasts, his lips making me tingle. As I thought
him, I moved my hands to where his had been. I
to undress. In moments, I was naked, standing in
it of my mirror, gazing dreamily at myself, imagining
beside me. Finally, my fatigue hit me and I went to
bathroom to rinse off my makeup. It felt good to crawl
my blanket and snuggle up.

pile it all, I thought, it was a wonderful night. It really
I reached over and turned off the small lamp beside my
and dropped my head to the pillow. The sound of the
above creaking popped my eyes open and drove away
sweet thoughts. I held my breath and listened. It was r, for I heard him open the attic room door, drop the
', and descend as quietly as he could,
had been up there the whole time, maybe peeping
that hole at me, I thought. I felt my body grow hot
embarrassment as my blood rushed toward the surface
skin. How much had he seen? We had stopped
and sharing the bathroom when we were seven or
and I began to demand my privacy even more when I
to develop breasts. Cary's curious eyes had made me
self-conscious. It wasn't long afterward that I stopped
around in front of him in my underwear. Even
the way he looked at me and my changing body made

mfortable.

got up and went to my door, opening it slightly to peer
as he returned the ladder. I started to open the door
and then hesitated. If I confronted him, I'd only bring
embarrassment to myself, I thought. It was late, I told
it wasn't the time for this.


I closed the door ever so softly and waited until I he
him go into his room. Then I went back to bed and lay ther
vntii \kj eyes open, \rym% desperateYj Xo dme \5ae trovtoVe
thoughts from my mind so I could think only of Robert and
our wonderful night together.

But when I turned on my side and closed my eyes, I:
only Gary's angry face after he had emerged from tl
darkness behind us, his truck headlights casting him in anl
eerie silhouette. I finally drifted to sleep, only to find that!
Gary was in my nightmares, along with the distorted faces!
of my classmates, whispering, leering, laughing, chasing me j
toward the roaring sea. Everything was so vivid. I woke in a I
sweat after the first wave washed over me in my dream. Myl
heart was pounding. I sat up quickly and had to hold myl
hand over my heart and take deep breaths. Finally, I got up j and went to the bathroom to splash my face with cold water.!

Whenever Gary and I had a nightmare, we would share itf
the next morning. It was a way we both had to drive they
demons out of our hearts, to comfort each other. For tt
first time, I couldn't tell him about my dream. This time, 1
had to find a way to drive the demons out myself.


3 go

Trouble's Brewing


rsat sullenly at the breakfast table the next morning,
ed few words, but most of the time when he I at me, I thought I could see the accusations in his
t didn't believe he had any right to make me feel guilty
ed to act ashamed. If anyone should be ashamed,
, I thought, following me around at night, peeping
: holes in the ceiling.

was eager to hear about the dance, and I was
that at least she could share my happiness. As I
[signed to May, describing the decorations, the food,
, Of course, I left out the unpleasantness over the
> mentioned nothing about Gary pulling Robert's
S of the sand.

t you went to the dance, too, Cary," Daddy said i was a pause.
" Cary said disdainfully,
where were you, boy? It was pretty late when I
t come in and hurry up those stairs."
Unet some friends at the Bean Bag," he said quickly,
'can you hang around a custard stand all night?"
tinued.


Cary shot a glance at me to see if I would say anythi^ and I looked down at my plate.

"We were just hanging out," Cary said. "I didn't
how late it got."

Daddy shook his head.

"I don't know what you all have to talk about so mti
that you lose track of time."

"You can pass a lot of time jawin', Jacob," Mommy s
"like when you get together with Pat O'Reilly."

"That's different. We talk about business," Daddy;
11 '	torted, reddening at the criticism. It was enough to end j
topic, for which both Cary and I were grateful.

While we waited to go to brunch at Grandma Olivia'/
took May out to the beach and made some drawings while j
sat beside me, asking me questions about my date and i
Robert Drawing was something I did to help relax, just j
needlework. I drew pictures of all of us, some from me
some from things I saw at the moment. Everyone who saw|
i	drawings thought they were very good. I once showed the I Kenneth Childs, who said I might consider taking art i
and developing my talent. I never thought I was good'
j to do that, and wasting time trying to be someone I <
be was something Daddy convinced me was sinful.

"God grants us enough time to do something worthyi
ourselves. Procrastination, chasing foolish dreams,
what the devil would like us to do," he had said.

I wasn't fixed on anything yet, but I had been
lately that I might become a teacher, maybe even a teaq
in a school for the handicapped. It made me feel special \ filled me with so much pleasure when I was able to te
May something and see her eyes brighten with unc
ing. I felt as though I had broken through a thick
matter how small the achievement, and I thought I coulc
this successfully with other handicapped children.

While we were sitting on the beach, drawing and
Daddy and Cary went by on their way to the dock.

"We're just going to check on the lobster traps,'
explained. Cary stood by, silent, stilt somewhat sullen.'


be long, Laura. You should get yourself and May 1 soon."

S always dressed up for brunch at Grandma Olivia's. In I we never went there without treating the visit as if it
t special occasion. This was easy for Grandma Olivia,
I she was always formally dressed. Even when she was I in her garden, she had her hair pinned properly and
: outfits that most would save for trips into town or
ifith company. Grandpa Samuel usually wore a sports
; and slacks, along with a cravat or a tie. Their home
immaculate, everything in its proper place. As
we were forbidden to wander in the rooms and
5ed of touching anything.
Daddy," I said and folded my drawing pad. I
I to May and she folded hers as well. As we headed for
, I thought this would be the best and maybe only
t would get to call Robert. I was sure he was on pins
worrying about what might have happened
t entered the house last night.

;'s mother answered.
l hello," she said with enthusiasm, after I had intro
f myself. "From the way Robert's been acting this
, I'd say you and he had a wonderful time last night.
n$0 say everything to him twice," she added with a
1.1 heard Robert complaining in the background.
give him the phone before he throws a fit." he said. "My mother's in one of her hilarious Moday."

: wait to meet her," I said,
aduce you .. . as long as you know she'll say he added in a voice meant for her ears. He
then in a lower voice, asked how things were,
ng's fine," I said. "My father was waiting up
ild tell he was relieved that I made it home before
t And Gary didn't say anything," I added, knowing

ting to hear about that most of all.
rfather was waiting up? I guess it would have been nf Cary hadn't come to the rescue, but I still can't


111.

V. C. ANDREWS


get over his following us, Laura. Have you talked to
about it?"

"Not yet, Robert. I'm waiting for the right time."

"Don't put it off, Laura," he warned.

"I won't," I said in a little voice. It wasn't somethin
looked forward to doing.

"I can't wait to see you again," he added in a softer to

"Me neither. I'm going to my grandmother's for br
in a little while. I've got to get ready and then help May|
1< 1	dressed.'*

"Okay. Thanks for the call," he said in a voice that i
shivers all the way to my toes. 11 "	"I couldn't wait," I confessed shyly.

"I'm glad," he said and we both hung up. I hurried upstj
to dress and help May pick out something that won
make Grandma Olivia shake her head disapprovingly.

Grandma Olivia was always uncomfortable around .
We all knew that the signing unnerved her: She said
those hands bending and turning through the air,
jabbing, made her stomach jump. She resisted learning]
of it and consequently spoke to her youngest grandc
only through an interpreter, usually me or Gary.

Although Mommy seemed to look forward to Grandj
Olivia's brunches and dinners, she was always nervou
day of the visit. Mommy reminded me of someone who |
preparing for an audition. Pains were taken over how i
us dressed, how well our hair was brushed, our
shined, and we were always, even now, reminded about)
rules of behavior when at Grandma Olivia's home, inc
ing what not to say and what to say. If one of us didn't i
Grandma Olivia's inspection, Daddy usually bli
Mommy, so we did our best to live up to expectations

We all ended up looking like different people when
were all dressed up, especially May and I, since Grai
Olivia didn't like women to wear their hair loose and <
She said that it made them look like witches, so I had 1
bobby pins and combs to wrap my hair neatly, and
May wore a little French twist. Although the old-fashio


s added years to our age, we didn't look overly grown,'
makeup was strictly forbidden, even for Mommy.
I't even wear lipstick,
ate all this, I did look forward to going. Grandma
usually had wonderful things to eat. I especially
s tiny cakes with frosting and jelly in the center, and v, even though we were really grown-up, Grandpa
always gave me and Gary, along with May, crisp

bills when we left.

one particular dress that always seemed the most
We to Grandma Olivia. It was a navy blue dress with
collar that buttoned at the base of my throat.
I had other, equally dowdy dresses, for some
t this one always brought a smile to Grandma Olivia's


I stood before the mirror, I reminded myself to
shoulders back and my head up, as if I were
a book on top. One of Grandma Olivia's pet
was the way young people slouched. She claimed : showed character and embellished good health. 1 told anyone except Gary, but I actually felt sorry
idma Olivia. Sure, she had a big, beautiful house
Jwith extravagant furniture, paintings, and decora
; Her dinners were elaborate and served on expensive
i fine crystal glasses and real silverware.

all her extravagance, her important acquaintances,

gala affairs, Grandma Olivia never looked happy to

f anything, I thought she was trapped by her wealth and

i. How sad it must be, I concluded, to go through your

letting your hair down, never walking barefoot on
li, never just being lazy or having a potluck dinner; in
never doing anything spontaneously, but always first
to go through the proper arrangements, as if your i life had to be lived according to Emily Post.

r very little about my grandmother's past. She never
any information and rarely, if ever, told any

-, unless of course, they were to illustrate and support I of behavior. Whenever I asked Mommy questions


V. C. ANDREWS


about Grandma Olivia, Mommy would shake her head,
say, "Your grandmother had a difficult childhood because^
the problems caused by her sister Belinda." What tho
problems were and how they had made Grandma Oli\
life difficult was left a mystery. Belinda had problems
alcohol when she was younger and eventually ended up ij
rest home nearby. Whenever I visited with her, she told i
stories and made references to her and Grandma Olh
youth, but her stories were almost impossible to under
because Aunt Belinda confused the past and the pr
mixing up people and places. Sometimes when she saw i
she called me Sara, thinking I was my mother, and on
recently, she called me Haille.

I know Grandma Olivia did not approve of my visit^
Aunt Belinda. She treated her sister as if she were poisono
and could infect one of us with her outlandish stories ,
statements. I rarely brought up her name in front
Grandma Olivia because I knew what sort of reactic
would receive.

With all these no-no's and strict rules to follow, Ca
May, and I practically tiptoed around the big house
grounds, keeping our voices low and keeping ourselve
much out of sight and out of mind as possible.

After we were all dressed, Daddy looked us over as if j
were lining up for parade inspection. He straighten
Gary's tie and brushed down May's skirt after he spot
tiny crease.

"I can have her take it off and iron it, Jacob," mob
offered.

"It's all right," he said. "We'll be late. Let's get starte

The three of us got into the backseat, Cary sitting on <
end and me on the other with May between us. He gazed (
the window and didn't look at me once during the ride i
to Grandma Olivia and Grandpa Samuel's.

"What a pretty spring day," Mommy said as we he
down Route 6. Grandma Olivia's house was midway
tween Provincetown and North Truro. From the outside, |
grandparents' house looked far from cold and impersor


5O


i two-story, clapboard covered home with a wide
t whitewashed front door. Over the door was a fan
twmdow of colored glass and, though I'm sure it was
i be decorative, Gary and I always joked about it
{like a big gloomy frown warning visitors to stay away.
i Olivia was very proud of her home, claiming it
pous because of its historic past,
original portion of this house was built around f uk declared to every new visitor. She usually added,
when the prosperous families began to build f the more fashionable buildings in colonial Ameri
she would continue in that sharp, critical tone
itof hers, "wealthy people sacrifice classic fashion for
Son."

i grounds around the house were also beautiful and
care of. The carpet-like green lawn was always
te, and the flower garden was dazzling with its
, pansies, roses, and geraniums. There was even
I duck pond with a dozen or so ducks in it. In front of
were two large, blooming red maple trees. Be
on the far right was a bench swing with a
;©ver it, although I don't think anyone but Gary,
' I ever used it.

'Judge Childs's car parked in the circular driveway
pulled in. Judge Childs was a frequent guest,
for Sunday brunch. He was my grandparents'
old friend. The judge was retired, but Grandma
ys stressed the fact that he still had friends in
and was very influential,
s got out of the car, Mommy gave us another once
htening May's clothes and again trying to brush


rang the doorbell, and Grandma Olivia's house[
Loretta, answered the door. For as long as I could
Loretta had worked for Grandma Olivia and
l Samuel, but she never looked terribly happy about


«ll

V. C. ANDREWS


"Everyone is in the sitting room," she declared wit
much emotion and stepped back to allow us in.

We entered like one of the duck families in the
Daddy first, Mommy right behind him, and then the '
of us trailing in single file.

There was a short, marble-floored entryway with
ings on both sides, seascapes of the Cape and boats
portraits of sailors. The house was always full ofj
perfumed aroma of flowers, even in the wintertime.

The sitting room was the first room on the right. It had^|
look of a showcase in a furniture store window. The i
wood floor was kept so polished, Gary and I used to preti
that we could go ice skating over it. There was a large j
between the pair of beige sofas and under the large
maple coffee table. Beside both settees were matching i
end tables. On every table, on every shelf, there
expensive-looking crystal pieces, vases and, occasic
pictures in silver and gold frames of Grandpa Samuel i
Grandma Olivia when they were younger, and some pic
of Daddy, Mommy, as well as one group picture of me, <
and May taken four years ago. There were no pictures <
ostracized Uncle Chester and Aunt Haille. Bringing up 1
names in this house was the same as uttering a profa:

Everything always looked brand new to me. Every ]
of metal glittered, as did every piece of glass. The wind
were so clean, you couldn't tell if they were open or cl^
unless you walked right up to them.

Grandma Olivia was in her high-back chair looking 1
queen granting an audience when we entered the sitj
room. She wore an elegant rose silk dress with a large <
above her left breast, a piece we knew was an heirl<|
handed down from her grandmother on her father's i
Her hair was pulled back in a severe bun with a pearl <
decorated with small diamonds.

Grandpa Samuel sat rather casually compared to <
ma Olivia. He had his legs crossed, a tall glass of'
and soda in his hand. He wore a light brown suit and lo


sual dapper self. His face broke into a wide, warm
i as soon as we entered the room.

they are," he declared, "and a pretty handsome
t beautiful group of grandchildren, too, hey Nelson?"
: Childs nodded. He sat across from Grandpa Samu
Grandma Olivia's right side. The Judge was a
aished-looking, elderly man with gray hair shot
i with some of his original light brown color. It was r trimmed and parted on the right side. He wore a dark
: suit and a bow tie. Despite his age, I thought he was
a rather handsome man. His face was full and his
ilexion robust, with wrinkles only across his forehead.
| had light brown eyes that dazzled with a glow more

ristic of a man half his age.
^Absolutely, Samuel. You and Olivia are very lucky

Hello, Jacob, Sara," the Judge said,
omrny nodded and smiled,
e've got Bloody Marys, if you like," Grandpa said.
<lo thank you," Daddy said quickly.
| know you like Blood Marys, Sara," Grandpa followed,
j^a twinkle in his eyes. Mommy glanced quickly at
, who was as close to a scowl as could be.
, I don't think so, just yet, Pa," she replied.
are you going to loosen up that collar you have
your wife's neck, Jacob?" Grandpa said, and the
: smiled.

;t's an inappropriate remark," Grandma Olivia de
"Especially in front of the children," she added
"Loretta," she snapped, "please take the children
| the kitchen and give them some lemonade while we
brunch to be served."
ma'am," Loretta said.

tidma Olivia thought it was inappropriate for young '. to sit and listen to the older people converse. While
standing in the doorway beside and behind
and Daddy, she had been looking us over. She
[ at Daddy.


"The children look very nice," she offered Mommy, wh
beamed immediately. "Now don't go wandering outsic
and getting messed up," she called after us. "We'll call yc
to the dining room in a little while. Sit down, Jacob. You'r
making me nervous standing there like that. Sara."

They moved quickly and Loretta led us away. She gave \ the lemonade and then, as we had done many times befor
we went out back to the gazebo. Gary stood staring ou
toward the ocean while I entertained May. Finally,
turned to me, his eyes narrowed as if he were in pain.
"You go down a dirt road like that your first date with \ guy. It doesn't look nice. It makes you look like ... Ic
like ... an easy target," he said. "I just knew he was goii
to do that; I just knew it," he claimed and turned
toward the sea.

"First, I'm not an easy target, Cary Logan. I don't
what I don't want to do and we didn't do anything wror
for your information. Robert is a complete gentleman."

"Ha," he said.

"You don't know him, Cary."

"You'll see," Cary predicted. "Tomorrow they'll be ck
tering about you in the locker room and Royce will
bragging about how easy you were."

"He will not! And it's dreadful of you to say that
would. You're just... just jealous," I accused. His shou
ders stiffened and he turned, his face turning pink.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You don't have a girlfriend and you don't go out
dates, so--"

"So what?"

"So, you're jealous that I do."

"Dates," he said, curling up the right corner of his moulj
"Some dates."

I realized that May had been reading my lips and wat
ing my face. She looked very confused. I tried smiling j
her, but she turned and looked at Cary, her eyebrows rais
as she gazed at me again. She didn't see us argue often. <
| j	"We'll talk about it later," I said.


ev> nothing to talk about," Cary retorted., ' did you follow us?"

He shook his head. "I went to the dance to see
twas like and then, when I saw you two leave early, I
' I had better keep my eye on you. Lucky for you, I
n't believe you have the nerve to question me. If it
t for me, you wouldn't have made it home in time for

.i"

Ł've got to let me--"
tyou what, Laura? Go on. What?"
' up," I said.

, blinking rapidly, and then turned to the ocean


your concern, but I need my space, too,


he said through gritted teeth,
i around and glared at the house, his anger spilling
s water boiling out of a pot. "I don't know why we
» wait around for them to stop gossiping. I'm hungry.

had anything for breakfast this morning."
i tell Grandma," I challenged,
ided up the steps to the door, nearly ripping it off
i when he pulled it open. May tugged on my hand
1 to sign her questions.

hungry," I explained. "He wants to see how
before we eat,"

after him and then glanced at me, her suspi
small and troubled. I lowered my shoulders in
jWhy did my most wonderful, new relationship have
i sadness? Why couldn't Cary be happy for me?
tears and had to turn away from May before she


Cary did inside sped things along, because a
its later, Loretta appeared to say it was time we
ttoeat.

as wonderful a brunch as ever, with chunks of ; Alfredo sauce, shrimp cocktail, delicious home
filled with almost every vegetable imaginable,


and as usual, great desserts, including my favorite,
multilayered, multicolored petit fours.

Afterward, the men went for their walk along the
Judge Childs and Grandpa lighting up their cigars,
took Cary along with Daddy, and Mommy, May, and I'
left behind with Grandma Olivia.

Mommy started to tell Grandma about my date and 1
pretty I looked, when Grandma suddenly rose from
chair.

"I'd like to speak with Laura," she said, interrup
Mommy in midsentence, "if you don't mind, Sara."

"What? Oh. No. Why should I mind?" Mommy stutte
and gazed about the big room helplessly. Grandma Oiiv
was already to the door of the sitting room.

"Come along, Laura," she commanded. I looked
Mommy, who only shook her head, her eyes wide
surprise. I caught up with Grandma in the hallway, headii
toward the back door.

"Why can't Mommy hear what we say, Grandma?
asked nervously.

"We'll go out to the gazebo," she replied, ignoring
question. "I need some air and a little walk after that i r	anyway," she said.

"It was a terrific brunch, Grandma."

"The coleslaw was rather bitter this time," she
plained. We left the house, walked down the pathway to < ;	gazebo, and sat on the bench.
I "Mommy and May should come out, too," I said. "It's
beautiful, hardly a cloud in the sky."

I gazed down the beach and saw the four men walki|
little puffs of smoke from Grandpa's and Judge Chili
mouths caught and dissipated in the breeze. Cary was a i
steps behind the adults, his head down.

"We'll send for them in a moment," Grandma Olivia i
"Now that you are obviously becoming a young woman i
a woman's ... interests, I thought it was time we had a 1
talk, Laura. I don't mean to interfere, but I don't think;
mother is prepared for this sort of discussion," she adde


kind of a discussion is that, Grandma?"
woman-to-woman discussion," she replied, "where
has vast experience and wisdom to give to
younger woman. Although she would have the
^good intentions, your mother doesn't have my back
i, my breeding. She's not as aware of the dangers."
ers?"

smiling and sat back. I suddenly felt as if my
brunch had all tightened into a small, hard ball
s base of my stomach.

n't understand, Grandma. What dangers?"
it're interested in someone, I understand, and you've
gone out on a formal date with this person?" she
her eyes small, but fixed on me with that same
' that stopped laughter and wiped smiles off faces.
I said with some relief. "Yes. He's a very nice
;man. His name's--"

r his name," she said quickly. "I know of his family
at they do. I know he's been to your home for lunch
i went to the school dance with him last night."
r eyes widened with surprise. I smiled at Grandma
i's interest in my social life. She had never asked any \ about it before or cared whether I had gone to a
dance or not. I always thought that sort of thing
significant enough to matter to her.
: sorry I haven't had a chance to tell you about him,
i," I told her. Finally, she and I would have a nice
r-granddaughter talk, I thought, and imagined
I to tell me about her own childhood romances,
isn't much that goes on in this town that I don't
ad there is nothing that involves my family and the rname that I won't eventually find out about," she
"I may not discuss it with you, but I know how
B're doing in school and how much your teachers like
how you are a great help to your mother, and
I've been a respectful, obedient daughter. That's
it's so important we have this conversation,"
nued.


I widened my smile and nodded.

"You're much too young to get deeply involved with i
one young man, especially one who comes from a family |
some questionable character."

"What?" The little bubble of delight that had started 1
fill within me suddenly popped.

"Don't interrupt, Laura. Just listen and learn.
Logans, and my family, the Gordons, go back to
Pilgrims, as you know. We have a strong, highly
lineage. We are looked up to in this community; we
people of worth, status, and that brings with it
responsibility. We have been and remain models of prop
behavior, models of respectability. My father taught
years and years ago that the first and most important
valuable thing you own is your reputation.

"You and Gary have been born with a gift. That gift is} family name. You've inherited literally hundreds of years|
highly valued reputation. It will open doors for you, gain;
respect, and place you high on the ladder of status, but;
have a big responsibility, Laura, and that responsibility is|
uphold the respectability, the value of our family name.

"Because of that," she continued, "there is a magnif
glass over you and your actions." She flashed a cold ;
"Up until now, you have done nothing even to slig
tarnish our family name, and I'd like to keep it that
want you to immediately end this acquaintance. Thej
people are not up to your standard," she concluded.,
intend to discuss it with your father before the day is owe
well," she said. She sat back, obviously waiting for
reaction.

For a moment I thought the words would get caught in 1
throat and my voice wouldn't work. Despite the silvery, \ breeze blowing in from the ocean, I felt as though I had I
into a furnace. My face was flushed, my heart, althoii
pounding, seemed to have sunken in my chest, the thun
thump, thump barely felt through my body. I shook my 1

"I don't know what you've been told, Grandma, but i


e. Robert Royce is a very, very nice young man,
He--"

comes from a family of innkeepers," she said,
lly spitting out the words, as if they were bitter in
"Do you know what an innkeeper is, Laura? ' started to be? These are people who had nothing,
Iy name, no reputation. Practically destitute, they
own homes to strangers, clean up after them,
toilets and sinks, serve them food, cater to the
' complete and utter strangers, and worst of all,
ribute, are responsible for the pollution and de- rof the Cape,
homes, beautiful landscapes are all being marred
. these motel and hotel chains. Anyone who can
['the price of a cheap bed can come here and enjoy
, who built this, who founded it, created and made
, You have no business consorting with someone of
Laura. I absolutely forbid you to continue seeing
, this person. He will only bring you down."
, Grandma," I said, choking back my tears, "don't
hat."

htened her lips,
.must get a hold of yourself, Laura. You must
; mature, strong, beat down any foolish little lusts
iber who you are.

she said with a deep sigh, "we've ala
terrible time maintaining our family honor
' my sister and your Uncle Chester, but that has
lied. We don't need something else to disgrace us
. our family's reputation."
3? Your son has left the family. We're not
to mention his name in your presence. I don't
all of it, Grandma. You never talk about him,
; you ever miss him?"

i a choice and one that is unfortunately best for
she said sternly. "I'm not here to discuss the
i here to discuss you, the living."


I

T <	V. C. ANDREWS


"The dead?"

"Laura," she said firmly, "do you understand what
been trying to tell you?"

"No, Grandma, I don't. I just met Robert. I like him. 1
been very nice to me and we had a wonderful time at
li	school dance. I didn't agree to marry him ... yet," I;
'h i and her eyebrows rose so fast and so high, I thought
might leave her face.

"You would never marry such a person," she stated,!
fear and anxiety deepening the lines in her face.

"I don't judge people by their bank accounts, Grandr
I said. I meant it as a matter of fact, but she pulled her 1
back as if I had reached across the gazebo and slapped 1

"I don't either, Laura. That's the point I'm trying to i
and the point you're missing. Many of these
nouveaux riches are resort businesspeople. They have i
ey, but they don't have class or reputation. They never ^
no matter how fat their bank accounts become."

"But... didn't you ever like anyone who wasn't fron
old and respectable family, Grandma? Not even when \ were growing up?"

"Of course not," she said. "I wouldn't permit
like someone like that."

"That's not something you can permit yourself to do I not to do, Grandma," I said, smiling. "It's some
magical. Surely, when you were my age--"

"I was never a foolish young woman, Laura, never 1
any of these empty-headed girls nowadays. My fa
wouldn't have tolerated it anyway, especially with my!
being such a disgrace. It would have destroyed him if!
his daughters ..." She paused to pull herself up tight:
"This is all beside the point. We're not here to discussj
past; we're here to discuss your future and the future <
family's reputation," she insisted.

"Can't you remember what it was like to be my age? \ couldn't have worried about all this back then."

"Of course I worried about all this." She shook her 1
"I knew I should have taken more of a role in


Sara . . . Sara is just not equipped and she has
. to do with your crippled sister." 1 is not crippled, Grandma. She has a handicap, but
: stopped her from being a good student and doing
the things other young girls her age can do. She's
slpful around the house, does her chores, looks after
things. She's far from a burden to Mommy,
If you would just let me teach you some sign
you could talk with her directly and see for
f fcow bright and wonderful she is."

jus. I have no time for that sort of thing. Besides,
[shield her too much because of this . . . this imper
She should be made to expect no favors and she
shouldn't be babied. Only then will she have the
i to stand up to her deformity."

: a deformity," I insisted. "And May is smart and
[enough to live a good life with her handicap."
a't bring you out here to waste time on this topic,
f brought you out here to give you the benefit of my
wisdom and my sense of family responsibility,
tely, I am the one who has to have all the strength
llamily. Your grandfather is becoming more and more
. I'm afraid he's falling into his dotage and will end
I rest home sooner rather than later."

dpa? He looks wonderful."
i don't live with him," she replied dryly. "Anyway, I
have heard some of what I have said and will
f properly, doing the right thing."

Robert Royce, Grandma. I'm not going to hurt
^telling him he's not good enough for the Logans," I y, but firmly.

at me a moment and then slowly shook her


-ted more from you, Laura. You leave me no
tfeut to speak to your father about this." ': the tears come to my eyes.

' likes Robert, too," I said, but I knew how strong
ather's influence was on my father. Usually, her


V. C. ANDREWS


words were like Gospel. "Please don't say anything
about him."

"If I have your word that you will not do anything 1
or foolish with this person," she said. "Too many yo
people today think nothing of embarrassing their familie

"Of course, I won't."

"Very well. We'll see how things progress. Someday,;
will be grateful for what I've said to you today, Laura. Youj
look back and laugh at yourself for being so foolish."

She looked confident of that, but inside, I thought, Grandma, I'll never be grateful for your telling me that / between people is merely empty-headed foolishness. I'll i
be grateful for your telling me that people have to bejudg
by their family lineage instead of the content of th
character, that status is more important than anything,
honest feelings. No, Grandma, I won't be grateful; I'll alwa
be full of pity, and not for myself, but for you.

I said none of this, of course. Instead, I sat siler
watching her look toward the beach where the men
making their way back to the house.

"It looks like the great minds have settled the problems^
the world and are returning," she said dryly. "Why
you ask your mother and sister to come out now."

I rose quickly.

"When I was your age, I always thanked my elders
taking the effort and time to talk to me and share with;
their wisdom, Laura," she said as I started away. I pan
and turned back slowly.

"I know you want only happiness for me, Grandi
thank you for that," I said.

It didn't please her enough. She gave me the most chil
and piercing look I could remember, a look that sent
hurrying into the house to get Mommy.


4

GO

,A Sign from Above


I the days that followed, an uneasy truce developed
> Gary and myself. He continually tried to maintain
'anger and disapproval, once again trying to prove
more than I did about dating. He would talk to
May, signing and delivering his lectures aloud,
we both knew she could hear nothing. He
' needed to learn what to do and what not to do
, since I had obviously never been taught the rules,
like Daddy, complaining about young people

I forward, too advanced for their age. At times,
: on Daddy's face and took on Daddy's voice, I

II would laugh, so I had to turn away to hide my r didn't have to imitate Daddy's temper. He had
i own that was bad enough.

: you're getting older, May," he lectured, shift
(to me, "you have to be careful you don't waste
on foolish boys or boys who think of girls as
(and not as people."

n't have any idea what you're talking about,
lid.
more reason to talk to her now, before it's too


II

V. C. ANDREWS


late. You're a big influence on her," he growled. "A negativ
one," he added.

"What's that supposed to mean, Cary?"

"Just what it means. What she sees you do, she'll think \ the best thing to do, the right thing to do."

"I haven't done anything in front of her that I shouldn't.
I protested.

"Maybe not yet," he muttered.

He was infuriating, but it was better for me to bite my 1
and swallow back my words. He simply continued to
his speeches, talking about boys as if they were poisonc
Poor little May was smart enough and sensitive enough j
know she shouldn't contradict him, but she looked to
continually to see if I would reinforce or challenge any
Cary said. I said nothing and looked away. Later, when i
were alone, she asked me why Cary was so mad at the 1
in school. I told her he was just trying to protect her; he ^
worried about her. She fixed her large hazel eyes on me i
waited for me to say more, but I couldn't.

Sadness was like a spider weaving a web around us.'
face of gloom cast long shadows in our house. Whenever|
entered a room May and I were in, her eyes swung from i

to him and back to me in anticipation of some nasty
that might drown us all in a sea of depression. Cary
more and more of his time alone, up in his attic workshop-!
school, he stayed to himself, even in the cafeteria. Son
times, he sat with some of the boys from other fishe
families, but his eyes were always on Robert and me, i
me feel self-conscious, making me feel guilty for every lau

, H,	every smile, and especially, every touch.

|ji	Robert tried to be friendly toward Cary, tried to
conversations with him, but Cary would only respond

|^	monosyllabic grunts, usually hurrying off or simply ig
ing him. I told Robert it would just take time. I told hiu
be patient, that once Cary saw how nice Robert was,|
would stop being so protective and concerned.

"I suppose if I had a sister who looked like you, I'd
walking around with a shotgun over my shoulder, too,1


It brought a smile to my face and laughter to my
!*Robert had a way of parting the clouds and bringing time into every desolate moment. I had never
anyone as hopeful or as cheerful. After I met his
I decided it was because of them, because they
[ to be so happy and in love themselves.
i* flower blooms best in a happy pot," Aunt Belinda
Mold me when I visited her at the home. I thought she
ferring to Grandma Olivia not being a flower that
I much bloom. I thought she was complaining about
i family life, but I couldn't get her to explain any of
: she said. Most of the time, she would just follow
I with a laugh and the words would float from us
sipate like smoke.

Robert's parents one afternoon when school was
iy because of a teachers' conference. I asked Gary
1 to come along to see how Robert's parents were
i the Sea Marina.

t would I want to waste time looking at a rundown
ovel?" Gary snapped in response. "And why would


t run-down anymore, Gary, and it's certainly not a


jŁ& picking up May?" he countered.
, if you want," I said.

nt? You used to care about your little sister," he
jed coldly.

r I care about her, Gary. That's not fair. I said I
; her up."

mind. You'll probably forget; you'll probably be
by loverboy, and she'll be standing there
i afraid," he said.

er that distracted, Gary, but even if I were, May
; home herself easily."
I not hear a car when she goes to cross the road."

how to cross a road."
t think going to see some junk house for tourists is


more important than May's safety," he said. "I'll look i
her."

He turned and marched off before I could respond
left me simmering, my hands pressed into tight fists at
sides, my stomach feeling as if it had been twisted
turned inside out. The way some of the other students'
looking at me as they passed me in the hallway made
think I had ribbons of steam coming from my ears.

"Are you feeling all right?" Robert asked me when we 1
school that afternoon. "You haven't said a word.'

"I'm fine," I said. "It's just... my brother gets me j
angry sometimes, I feel like screaming."

"Maybe you should, Laura. Maybe it's time you let
know just how you really feel," Robert said.

"Maybe."

I looked at him, at his face full of concern, and I
that he was right.

"I'd better wipe the frown out of my face before I
i I	your parents," I said, "or they'll think you've chc
witch for a girlfriend."

He laughed and we got into his car and drove to the I
Marina.

Although the building itself had been neglected,
property on which it lay was prime seaside real estate, i
the front of the hotel had any real lawn. The rear was i
beach with a pathway that led to a small dock. At one til
the hotel had a sailboat, but it was long gone. All that<
left were two rowboats, neither looking very
both covered with mildew and both with small le
Robert's parents had been concentrating on the build
itself, replacing broken shutters, worn, cracked, and br
porch floorboards, painting the walls, repairing the 1
putting down new flooring, and replacing the bedd
sitting room furniture, lamps, and electrical fixtures.

"My father's always been pretty handy," Robert told|
as we drove up. His father was on a ladder, repairing a 1
clapboard.

I knew that the Sea Marina had once been one of the i

ing houses in the area. It had been built as a
for a Captain Bellwood, who had developed a
whaling business when sperm oil was in great
As with many great houses, the family lost its
s and eventually converted the home into a rooming t for tourists. A sign bearing the words the sea marina
pped over the entry doors and a new history for the
5 began. It was never well kept and four or five years
i finally shut down. Robert explained that the bank
;losed on the inn and Robert's parents were able to
t cheaply enough to have money left over to restore it.
a three-story building with twenty-two rooms
tie for renting. Robert and his parents lived in the
rear of the house. Above the roof was a large
with a round dormer. The house had been con
l with a great deal of decorative detail, cresting along
^ line, a widow's walk, paired windows above the
ars, bay windows on the lower floor, and a one-story
| with carved railings and posts. The entire outside of fe Iding had to be stripped and sanded before it was
J. The cement steps that had cracked and chipped
placed, as were a half dozen cracked and broken
s. I had ridden my bike past the Sea Marina before
how run-down it was before Robert's parents
iis prodigious remodeling. It was no wonder he was
and working so much of the time.

s saw us drive up and waved. Immediately I saw
ert had inherited his smile from his father. When ' closer and he came down the ladder, I also noticed
ert shared his blue eyes as well. His father was an
"so taller, with the same lean, muscular frame,
ftt are you hooky players up to?" he asked.
I you school was out early today, Dad," Robert said.

winked at me.

, he told me, but can I believe him?"
you can, Mr. Royce," I said quickly and he laughed. t yam have a loyal partner there, Robert. You going to
rus or just stand there looking foolish?"


"This is Laura Logan, Dad. Laura, my father, Bob He

"Bob Hope? If I was that good a comedian, do you thai
I'd be out here sweating over clapboard? Hi, Laura. Wef
what do you think so far?" he said, stepping back, his has
on his hips. We all looked up at the Sea Marina.

"It's looking very good, Mr. Royce. It's going to
beautiful."

"Thank you. Robert's had a hand in all this, but
should see what his mother's accomplished inside."

"Come on," Robert said.

"It's nice meeting you, Mr. Royce."

He smiled and gave Robert a look of approval
broadened his shoulders even more.

"Feel free to drop by anytime, Laura. We could always |
another hand clutching a paint brush," he said.

"Dad!" Robert protested.

"I'd like to," I said. "It looks like fun."

"Fun? You call this fun?" he joked. "I like this
Robert."

"Bye, Dad," Robert said, rolling his eyes and seizin
hand. "Come on, let's meet my mother," he added deep, low voice, filling me with trepidation.

We went up the front stairs and inside. Unlike]
outside, the inside of the inn looked like it needed
and weeks more of work. The floors were still bare, the >
in the sitting room had only been sanded down and pr
for paint, wires hung from ceilings waiting for their fixts
and doors were still off their hinges, lying against the'
like impatient guests waiting to be checked in.

"Ma!" Robert called from the hallway. We heard
sounded like a collapsing tower of pots and pans and t
curse. "Uh-oh," Robert said. He widened his eyes andj
on to my hand as we continued down the hallway
what had to be the kitchen.

Robert's mother was sitting on the kitchen floor, he
buried in her hands. Pots and pans were scattered;
her. She wore a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt knoti


r"

MUSIC IN THE NIGHT


am, the sleeves rolled to her elbows. Her hair,
;*s color, was tied in a ponytail. When she lifted her
her palms, I saw she had the same soft, perfect
t as her son. Even though she was obviously upset at
aent, she had the complexion and youthful glint in
t that made her seem ten years younger.
t she focused on us, she smirked, and leaned back on


ae to the Sea Marina," she said. "Dinner," she
in a style imitating an English butler, "will be
f delayed due to catastrophe."
: happened?" Robert asked,
shelves I put up decided I had put them in the
and rebelled," she explained and pointed to
i brackets had come out of the wall.
t you I would do that today," Robert said.
B't think it was going to be a big deal. Obviously, I
ited the weight of my cookery." She gazed at me


, smiled. "Are you the new cook?"
a»*

ijgu know who this is," Robert said impatiently.

' she added and jumped to her feet, brushing off
/The lobster girl."


t Jayne Royce," she said, coming forward to shake I "Robert has told me everything about you, so I
i to ask you a single question."


He sounds like a confused sheep. It's ba, ba,
s on," she said, taking my hand, "let me show

*»


back helplessly as she pulled me along, back
S hallway and into the dining room, so far the only
i I'd seen. It had a long, dark maple table with
Ole-looking captain's chairs. There was a silver
r«ad very pretty placemats that looked hand69



stitched. There were two teardrop chandeliers that spa
like ice in the sun, and a large oil painting of a whaling ^
in pursuit was on the far wall. Hanging across the room'
another oil painting that I recognized as one of Kenu
Childs's earlier works. It was a beach scene with terns jij
starting their turn toward the setting sun.

"Well?"

"It's beautiful, Mrs. Royce."

"Please call me Jayne. I call my mother-in-law
Royce."

I laughed as Robert came up beside us.

"You want to see the dock?" he asked.

"Why would she want to see the dock? It's uglier
one-eyed bulldog in heat."

"Ma."

"Maybe we should help your mother with those sheWj
Robert," I suggested.

"Now here is a girl I could grow to adopt. When yoi|
ready to run away from home, this is the place," she i
"She's very pretty, Robert. You didn't exaggerate."

"Mmm--"

"Don't say it. Wait a minute, Robert," she said, pr
^'	her forefinger into her cheek as she feigned deep thoug
have it. Why don't you call me Mrs. Royce," she sug
and I laughed. "Come on," she said, taking my hand :
"we'll go back to the kitchen and you can tell me all ab
H life on Cape Cod while I pick up my pots and pans.

I looked at Robert, who shrugged.

"I guess we'll help Mrs. Royce," he said and we all laug

It was a wonderful afternoon. I never thought I
enjoy working so much. They wanted me to stay for i
but I didn't think it would be right on such short noti|
explained how I usually helped my mother make din
should be getting home.

Despite all the restoration work ahead of them, the 1
were happy and confident. The atmosphere of can
the sense of partnership among them, made me env


70


MUSIC IN THE NIGHT


t's parents seemed so much younger than mine and so
i more relaxed. I felt their love for each other and how
led they were for each other's happiness. No wonder
'. has such a warm and hopeful personality, I thought,
he said as we drove away, "I warned you my
was a character."
: her, Robert. She's great."
, I guess I'm lucky," he said. "And now," he added, I at me, "I'm even luckier."


i the school year was approaching its end, studying
i and preparing our last projects was very impor
^Although Robert and I didn't share any classes, we
t it might be fun to study together. For that purpose,
t to my house the following Saturday. I had already
mother and mentioned it to Daddy just before
; was due to arrive. Daddy and May were playing a
f checkers in the living room at the time. He paused
tied to me.

you're becoming the talk of the town, you and

Laura," Daddy said,
iwe're not, Daddy." I started to laugh at the idea. i Olivia thinks so," he added. "You know how
; worms its way up to her."
* I grimaced in expectation of what Grandma
I told him.

you're getting a little too serious too fast,"
;ested.

, really, Daddy."

e's expecting you'll go off to college, Laura. Not
have. Your mother tells me you've shown
: in becoming a teacher."

i a teacher, Daddy."
' girls make plans and then meet someone and

ads, Laura," he warned.
: tots of girls, Daddy. I'm me," I said.

, his eyes softening. Daddy never liked chastis


ing me and on more than one occasion, Gary suffe
because of that. Poor Gary was always blamed for things >
did together, no matter how much I protested and defend
him. Daddy believed because Cary was a boy, he should 1
more responsible.

Once, when we were only ten and we had gone down I
the beach at night and gotten ourselves soaked, he took 1
strap to Cary. I shouted and cried outside the door to Ca
room. Afterward, I went in and put some soothing cream <
his welts. He never cried nor complained and when I di<
moaning that I should have gotten at least half of
beating, he looked at me and said, "What for, Laura? I
bear it for both of us. I'm happy to take your half."

Because Cary was always so devoted to me, it was ha
seeing him upset and angry now. I felt like a rubber ba
being stretched from both sides, fearful I would soon snap
wanted Cary to be happy, too; but I wasn't willing to i
myself and Robert unhappy in the process. I was hopijj
Cary would accept Robert soon and we would all be hap
together.

Daddy said no more about my relationship with Rob
and he didn't oppose our studying together at the hou
Cary didn't say anything nasty about Robert coming ov
as I thought he might, so I asked him if he wanted to sti
with us.

"I'm not going to waste my time on that," he replie

"It's not a waste of time, Cary. I know you're not <
well in some of your classes."

"What of it? I'm not going to college. You are. I'll
working with Dad in our business, where I belong," j
snapped.

"You know you want to build boats, Cary. It would
good for you to go to college and take some cour
engineering and design."

"I don't need to sit in some stuffy college classroom 1
snobby kids just to learn what I already know," he said

He did know an awful lot about boats. He had never i


M.USIC LH THE Wfi«T


j difficulties when it came to that, and there wasn't a
p* design, or a concept of which he wasn't aware.
' was proud of the way Gary could hold his own in a
about our boat or about sailing whenever t's friends were around. Some of them even took to
[ Gary for advice.
Fyou change your mind--"

fwon't," he declared. "I have things to do at the dock."
had to work until after lunch, but around two
jf, he drove up. I was waiting for him on the front stoop. r and May had gone into town to do some shopping,
he said, getting out quickly, his books and note
i under his arm. We exchanged a quick kiss. "I hated
there's still so much work to do, but my mother
lly threw me out. So," he said, "where shall we go?"
»to my room," I said. I had been planning on studying ' and had my own work set out. "We'll be less dis
, It's too beautiful today and if we stay out here, we
[get a thing done."

~, one of those warm days when the breeze seemed
gently brushing my cheeks and the clouds hung
ader a turquoise sky. The sea conspired with the
t sand to tempt me into daydreams, beckoning with I spray and dazzling whitecaps.

idea," he said, his eyes full of more love and
i than an ocean could hold.
I never had a boy in my room before. Just the idea of
terflies in my stomach. We paused when we ens
foyer.
' mother's not home?"

i May shopping. My father and Gary are down at


' He looked embarrassed, shy about being with me

1 house,
lis hand,
feon," I said. "We've got a lot to do."

upstairs and into my room. I had made the


PS


V. C. ANDREWS


room spotless, polishing and cleaning all morning. Twic
Gary had looked in with a dark expression of disapprov
on his face.

"This is a nice room," Robert said. He entered
looked at my posters of rock and movie stars. "Who ga^
you all these?" he asked, indicating the shelves crowd
with stuffed animals and ceramic dolls. There was a colle
tion of ceramic and pewter cats on one shelf as well.

"Daddy, Mommy, and Gary, for birthdays, special <
sions," I replied. He smiled at the small table with|
miniature tea set and a big doll in a chair.

"You don't still play with this, do you?" he teased.

"Sometimes. With May," I added.

He laughed and approached my canopy bed.

"Looks very comfortable."

"You can sit on it," 1 said and he did, bouncing
smiling.

The bedding, comforter, and pillows all matched
mauve shade of the canopy, and at the center of the two flu
pillows was a large stuffed cat. He reached out to pet it.

"It looks so real, I had to be sure," he said.

I went to my desk, where I had an open notebook besid
pile of school textbooks.

"I've been going over my history notes." \\	He got up quickly and looked over my shoulder.
i' "I got an A in that class," he bragged, "but don't ask|
anything now. It went in and then out again."

We both laughed.

"Nice view," he said, walking toward the open
Ijjji	beside my bed.

j	"We came up here to get away from all that," I ret
p him gently.
l! "Right, right."

"You can have that chair," I said, pointing to thei
beside the desk.

"Thank you, Miss Logan," he said with a short bow|

He sat and opened his math book.


these formulas," he muttered, but didn't lift his

the page.

t worked silently. Occasionally we would look up,
i would meet, and we would smile and look down
:ly.

1 you like something cold to drink?" I offered, after
I a section of notes.

»


aberry juice okay?"

he said.
[ be right back."

ried out and down the stairs, put ice cubes in the
ifr, and brought them back up filled with our home
I'leranberry juice. Robert was lying on my bed, his
t behind his head, gazing up at the canopy when I
I paused, smiling.


y," he said, sitting up guiltily. "It just looked so
»»


, it's all right." I handed him his juice,
(good," he said. i beside him and drank my own.

r do they make us take final exams just when it gets
outside? It's cruel," he said and I laughed.

the end of the school year, Robert. What do you


more consideration," he kidded.
I at each other. I felt my heart begin to pound as
1 closer and closer until our lips met.
(.been wanting to do that fdr the last hour," he said.
,too."

: the glass from my hand and put it along with his
s nightstand. Then he turned to me and we kissed
rifais time embracing. I let myself fall back slowly,
, and he lay down beside me, stroking my hair, kissing
eeks.

SCre on my mind day and night," he said. "You're the
!1 think about when I wake up and the last before I


close my eyes to sleep. On the days we don't see each of
11 J(	hate the hours until we do."

He kissed me again, this time his hands moving over i
shoulders. He brought his lips to my neck, and it was
electricity had exploded from inside my heart, speed
through every vein, to the tips of my toes and back up to l
heart again. I took his head in my hands and kissed his 1
while he moved his lips down, over my collarbone, unt
toning the first and second buttons on my blouse, and th
kissing the tops of my breasts, unbuttoning another but)
and another until he could peel away my blouse.

I let him unfasten my bra and lift it away so he could br
his lips to my tingling nipples. / should stop him, I thou
but I didn't. He moaned my name and his hands moved <
my thighs and lifted my skirt so he could press his pair
my thighs. I put my own hands over them and held his 1
"Laura, Laura," he whispered, "I love you so much.**1 "I love you, too, Robert."

|	I let his hands go and they moved to my panties. My 1 \ i felt like a clenched fist, pounding at the inside of my che
if it wanted to get out. When his hands moved over j
hipbone and down, I uttered a small cry.

When I was younger and read novels in which girls'
1 fi '	seduced or went too far, I swore I would never be like 1
»1 < no matter how handsome the boy or how much I thou
| ] loved him. How, I wondered, could your body make'.
things you didn't want to do? How could any pleasure 1
great that you would disregard all your warnings to you
and surrender? Yet that was what was happening to
was moving faster and faster toward the point of no;
j] that moment when I would be like a swimmer who had i 1 out too far and was now at the mercy of the waves.
JP It was like one wave after another, one overwhelm
undulating sensation after another, sweeping me away 1
the shore of caution.

' ji i '	"Robert," I pleaded, "if we don't stop, we won't i
"I can't help wanting you, Laura."
"We're not ready yet, Robert. Let's be ready.


ring if he refused, if he kissed me one more
I me one more time, I would simply fall back
ution to the wind,
his breath and then pulled back. I lay there,
.Robert stepped off the bed and closed his pants.

i realized he had unzipped them.
, I heard a deep, long creak in the ceiling and my
6d.

si said, pulling him back under the canopy.
5-He studied my face. "Do you want me to--"
past be quiet for a minute," I ordered,
ie smiled with confusion. "Why?"
(another creak and then another, then . .. foot
airs," I said in a low voice.
JFeyes widened.

didn't you tell me?"
I know he was there."

I him come in and go upstairs, Laura. And
I open. We would have seen him go by, wouldn't
I with a dreadful pause, "he went by while
riweupied."

t have been there the whole time, Robert. We
him coming in and up the steps. Those
loud it sounds like Gary might step right
isometimes."
: his head.

id. I thought no one was home. You


came back when I was outside waiting for


said, shrugging after another moment's
f been upstairs. What of it? No harm done.

: to the books." He smiled.
11 explain? How could I tell him about the
"* excelling, when I couldn't face Gary about
Nt I had to, I thought. More than ever, now I


"But first," Robert said, "I'd better cool off." He|
into the bathroom.

I rose and went to my doorway, listening. Gary
silent as a ghost now.

"Okay," Robert said, emerging, "let's get back at;

I looked once more at the attic doorway and
returned to my desk

We did study and talked and studied some more. We|
plans for the summer months, and Robert talked at
college plans, his desire to become an architect. His <
were all over the bulletin boards in the art classroom.!

"Actually, you and Gary have a lot more in commo
Cary wants to admit," I said. "I bet you could design i
he would like."

"Maybe. I would for the fun of it, if I didn't
would bite my head off," Robert said.

"He won't. He and I are going to have a real he
heart talk," I promised.

The front door slammed and we heard Mommy ani|
talking in excited voices.

"It's getting late. I'd better get back. I'll just go dc
say hello to your mother. Gary's still upstairs?" he i

"Yes," I said, gazing at the ceiling and the hol<
fortunately, Robert had not noticed.

We went downstairs and Robert talked to Mot
signed to May for a while. He learned some new wor
her and then I walked him out to his car.

"See you tomorrow," he said. "I'll get away
afternoon for that walk on the beach."

"Okay."

He gave me a quick kiss and got into his car. I st and watched him disappear, until I heard the fron
open and close behind me. Gary stood there, glaring!
He started down the steps toward the beach and the

"Just a minute, Cary," I said.

"What?"

"We have to talk," I said.

"I have nothing to say. I have to get to the boat." \


have something to say, Gary Logan, and you'd
i and listen."

and reluctantly turned toward me.
ut what?"
the ceiling in my room," I said and walked


5 go

Maiden Voyage


Cary turned away and continued toward the dock,
very slowly. I walked beside him without speaking 1
while. It was hard to think of the right words with'
begin.

"You snuck up there, didn't you, Cary? You knew} was coming over so you snuck back into the house i
into your attic workshop to spy on us," I said as sof
as calmly as I could.

"You're crazy," he said. "I had something to finis
just went up there. It's not my fault you didn't know|
up there. Anyway," he said, stopping and spinning i
on me, "why are you so worried? You do something}
ashamed of?"

"Did I, Cary?"

He stared at me a moment, his eyes blazing.

"Well? Did I?"

"How would I know?" he said, marching over
faster now. I ran to catch up with him.

"How would you know? You would look thron
peephole, Cary. That's how you would know."


"' He stopped again, his hands on his hips. "Peep


i know what I'm talking about, Cary Logan. If you
I we'll go right back to the house and to my room and
; it out to you."

to stare me down again, but this time his eyes
I guiltily away and his face turned a bright shade of


he said, nodding, "I know what you're talking
s was a knothole in the wood that fell through a


tiole?"

he said. "I just noticed it myself the other day.
; I have nothing better to do than go up there and

i at you and your boyfriend?"
s you have better things to do," I said, "and if you

t didn't do it and you don't do it, I'll believe you,"


t forgot to fix it, that's all," he said. "I was going to
t with some wood glue the other day," he added,
tteful for being allowed to come up with an
"I just got too involved in what I was doing


' I said.

P=believe you would accuse me of such a thing," he t now on the offensive.

ouldn't I think it, Cary? You treat me as if I'm
of fallen woman now, just because I'm seeing
3,1 might add, you have no good reason not to
(done nothing to you."

his family are part of the resort business,
: tourists up here," Cary said bitterly,
we need the tourists, and that's not you
It's Grandma Olivia. Who would buy
tiers if there were no tourists, and who would
ries if people didn't want the products from
KWhy do they buy them? It's because we're a


famous resort region in America, and it's time eve
accepted that. The only people who don't are those « inherited so much money, they don't care about a


else."
"You ought to go work for the chamber of comme


the tourist bureau," he quipped.
"Maybe I will."

"You would not." He thought a moment. "Would \

"I don't intend to, but I wouldn't turn it down o

hand," I said. "It's all beside the point, Cary. You ha

judge people for who they are and not for what their pa

do or what their grandparents did. Don't be such a


snob," I warned.

He couldn't help but smile because that was a term h
I had invented when we were much younger. He lo


away.
"I just don't want anyone taking advantage of you, I


You're very trusting and innocent."	I
"Oh, and you're a man of the world, Cary Logan? 1


when?"
"I know what boys are looking for these days," *i


sharply.

"Robert's not like that."

"How do you know?"

"I think I would know better than you would, ^i^as^t ^T? °*ves<i™ppine on every one of OUT « **t,ans and Spylag oa every oae of our dates," I said

run:

"No," he said.

"O^O Thon <v»II


"No." he said.


and better people than the other boys in our
|4said.

i the twinkle in his eyes that he liked that very


wants to be an architect someday. He's very
I in the work you do with boats, too. Few of your
tied friends even care. None of them ever come
workshop."
i*t ask them to," he said,
by don't you? Because you don't think they're
l their interest, that's why. Well, Robert is," I said,
ked.

s bought this guy, hook, line, and sinker, it seems."
|," can't you have enough faith in me to trust my
ipt this one time? You used to respect the things I
^ elieved," I wailed.
PjBooded my eyes. When he looked at my face his
'led.

: saying I don't believe in you, Laura."
I at the ocean pensively and then turned back to


y, I'll give him a chance," he said. "If that's what


, Now I've got to get down to the dock. I promised
fcXfcj^^-sa^
iu>e go\\o^ffl\^^^^'<=»s^^ss^ x<a*s^-ss>

4 started away.	.
; He just waved back at me without turning and continued
i walk past the pink wild beach grass, strands of his hair
in the wind. I stood there watching him for a few
aents and then made my way back to the house, feeling I
I won some sort of victory, but not sure what it was.
pHowever, the following Monday at school, things were
fferent. Cary was friendly to Robert, so friendly, in fact,

: even I was taken by surprise.
"Laura tells me about all the work you and your folks are


doing on the Sea Marina. I'd like to check it out one of the
days," Cary offered, glancing at me quickly after he had s
it.

"Great," Robert said. "I could sure use some advit
about the dock. It has to be reinforced, only I'm not
how to go about it."

"Maybe Wednesday," Cary said, "after school.'
turned to me. "We'll pick up May and take her along."

"She'd love that," I said, bursting with so much
ness, I thought I might explode.

"We'll have to tell Ma," Cary said. "Let's not mentio
to Dad," he added in a lower voice. I nodded.

Despite my father's need to have a market for his lob
and his cranberries, he parroted Grandma Olivia's
plaints about the tourist industry and the damage it
done and would continue to do to the Cape. I was i
Cary hadn't brought it up in front of Robert, but 1;
always on pins and needles when talk turned to tourists i
the effects they had on our town. It was a subject Caryf Robert would have to agree not to agree about.

That afternoon, Cary joined Robert and me in|
cafeteria for lunch. Robert asked him some questions i
boats and Cary talked right through the warning bell. 1
once in a while, Robert glanced at me, his eyes wide]
surprise. I simply sat there, holding my breath, afraid t
I uttered a word or moved a muscle, I might break the j
spell.

But it didn't break. On the way home from scho
day, Cary offered that he might have been wrong.
Robert.

"Maybe it's because he's not from around here,"
"At least he doesn't follow Adam Jackson and that i
He asked me to give him some sailing lessons. May
coming weekend," he thought aloud.

I bit down on my lip and nodded. I felt like
tiptoeing over a floor of fragile glass, afraid that if I s
down a little too hard, it would all crack, shatter i
around me.


"You can come along, too, if you want," he said.
"That sounds like fun, Cary."

"We'll wait and see how the weather is. As for it being
, that will depend on how good a student he is."
"Robert said he definitely could get away from his work at
s hotel?" I asked.

"Well, I promised I'd help him stain the inn's back deck
i Thursday. I've got some time," Cary said.
^"You would?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I

, you do? I mean--"

1'sno big deal, Laura. If he holds his own, we'll finish in
' Cary said, with more than a hint of challenge in
l^oice.

t Wednesday, as Cary had promised, we picked up May
at to the Sea Marina. I introduced May to Robert's
rand taught her some sign language to use while Cary
t went out back with Robert's father to look at the
iatever Cary recommended pleased and impressed
f s father, who had only high praise for Cary after
We all enjoyed some cold lemonade on the front
.while Cary and Robert's father continued their talk
i building repairs.

I Robert's mother, who gave her an inexpensive
J Still in working order, she had found in a dresser
i one of the rooms when they had first taken over
y. It had Roman numerals and a pearl-like casing
, leather strap. May was so excited about it, she
f the way home with her wrist raised so she could
: better.

5 going to ask her about that," Cary warned. "We
|May to lie."

f us, May was so precious and special, the very
f having her do something even slightly sinful was

»one was purer in spirit.
stell the truth, Cary. We haven't done anything pounds being a good Christian to help other people.
t anything, we'll remind him of 1 Corinthians
11 bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and


though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, iti
profiteth me nothing.'"	l

Gary laughed.	I

"Serves him right for having us read the Bible every nig

before dinner," he said.

Daddy did ask about the watch, but he didn't understai
May's answer and asked me. I told him the truth. He


quiet for a moment.
"I don't like her taking things from strangers, Laura," 1


said.
"Mrs. Royce isn't a stranger anymore, Daddy, at least t

me," I added. He didn't look happy, but he let it go an

May kept the watch.

On Thursday, Gary went home with Robert and help<
him stain the rear deck. I didn't go along, but I was
nervous about the two of them together without me aroia
that I couldn't do anything but stare out the window t wait for Gary to come home. True to his word, he wai
gone much more than an hour. I hurried downstairs to gi


him at the door.

"You finished it already?" I asked as he stepped up to <


porch.

"Whaf s the big deal?" he said with a shrug. "Paintin

hull, now that's a big deal."

"Did Robert think it was as easy as you did?" I asked
was really asking if they had gotten along.

"He held his own," Gary replied. "I guess I'll spend a i
hours teaching him something about sailing on Saturda
he added. "If you want to come along--"

"Oh, Gary," I cried and embraced him. "Thank you.1

gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.	J

He stood there, frozen for a moment. It was almost at

my kiss had burned him. We hadn't kissed each other "j

some time, both of us self-conscious about it. But I was I

springwater gushing. I couldn't help it.	j

"It's no big deal," Gary said almost angrily. "I'd do iti

anyone," he said. "I have to wash up."	I

86

He hurried past me and up the stairs.

I knew I should be happy; I should feel very good about it
>but there was a cold chill in the air. It was as if Gary had
t Ms shadow behind and that shadow lingered over me,
; out the sun.


next day at school, Robert announced that his < insisted he take off all of Saturday.
bey said I haven't had a whole day off since we all
, and since we're ahead of schedule ..."
at's wonderful. Why don't we have a picnic on the
, Cary?" I suggested.

I right. Here's the plan. We'll do the sailing lessons late
s morning and then stop to picnic on the beach around
n's Cove."

a's Cove? Where's that?" Robert asked. Cary and I

smiles.

I's our secret place," I said. "Cary and I named it
tt's Cove because practically no one else goes there."
Ps about a half mile north of the bog," Cary said. "We
j^thave to worry about tourists bothering us."

Robert said with a twinkle in his eye. "Sounds
I can't wait."

our Bible reading at dinner that night, Daddy \ before cutting the bread and glanced at me.

r you hope to make your landlubber seaworthy," he I looked at Cary for a hint as to what Daddy was really
, but Gary's face was a closed book, unreadable,
going to give him a lesson with the Sunfish," I


|?" Cary asked with a smile.
a good sailor, too, Cary Logan. You've said that

n


I have, but you don't do it enough to be a good
' he explained. Daddy Liked that and laughed. Then
r serious.

; take May along, I don't want her in the Sunfish u're teaching him, Cary."
IE course not, Dad," Cary said.


Even though the Sunfish was only big enough to seat tv
May was so small, we usually took her with us when '
and I went sailing. I had already promised her she would \ part of our picnic.

"May and I will sit on shore and watch them, Dad
Don't worry."

He grunted, which was as close to an approval as
would get.

"The weather looks promising," Cary said. Daddy ag
and that was all that was said about it. 1 was too excited!
keep it all bottled up. May sat in my room as I planned t
picnic. My hands moved with my thoughts as I
back and forth, listing the things we would bring and 1
food I needed to prepare.

"Maybe I should make shrimp salad. Cary loves
shrimp salad. We could barbecue though, couldn't
Should we do hamburgers or grill some lobster? We'll i
salads and oh, I should make my lemon cake, don't
think? Robert is going to be so surprised when he le
what a good cook I am. What?" I asked May when \ started to sign. "Oh, games. Yes, we'll bring somethin
you and 1 to do while they're out in the Sunfish. No, I'd
too embarrassed to let him see my drawings, May.
bring Chinese checkers, okay? And Gary's Frisbee.
worried about what I should make. I'll talk to Mon
about it tomorrow. No, let's go talk to her now," I saidi
reached down for May's little hand. She flew up to her|
and followed behind me as I went downstairs to talk i
Mommy.

On Saturday morning as Mommy and I packed the ]
basket, Cary grumbled at us from the breakfast table.

"I don't know why we're not just having sandwiche
cranberry juice like we usually do," he said. "This]
exactly the Blessing of the Fleet," he added with a lau
was referring to an annual event on the Cape when
were decorated with pennants and priests lead a pr
from the church. Everyone dressed up and there was|
elaborate food and drink.


like a man," Mommy said, "complaining and I until he sinks his teeth in and then he quiets down
hurch mouse at sermon."

ed and Gary turned crimson,
ile over an hour later, Robert arrived. He was dressed
of new sneakers, khaki pants, and a crisp white
preppy sailor outfit was topped off by a jaunty
l^cap. Gary, who wore a pair of torn shorts, and was
: and shirtless, laughed.

: do you think we're sailing, a yacht?" he joked,
but I thought I'd get into the swing of things,"
i replied, undaunted by Gary's ridicule.
I you look very nice, Robert," I said. I was wearing a
adress over my bathing suit and thought that Robert
ed like the perfect couple.
;*s work," Gary followed sternly. "You're going to
i that pretty-boy outfit."
I*S all right," Robert said. "It's not like I have many
to wear these clothes. Hey, what's all that?" he
Iding at the big picnic basket.

ie a feast," Gary said.

Laura, you didn't have to go all out like that...
' s!" Robert said.

tget started. We're missing some good wind," Gary
obviously eager to change the subject. May
' towels and Robert offered to carry the blanket,
was with us: A gentle breeze barely nudged
r white clouds along the azure sky. South of us, the

ady peppered with sailboats.
Łlike a perfect day for sailing," Robert commented
1 over the sand toward our dock,
you know what a perfect day for sailing is?"
f back over his shoulder,
know as much about sailing as I do about.. .
Robert replied. "I don't even understand
the boat to move."

[gets the boat to move," Gary said. I could tell
i already softening and I smiled to myself. Gary


was in his glory, talking about the things he loved the most;|
sailing and boats. "You set the sail at a ninety-degree ang
to the longitudinal axis of the boat, keeping the power of t
wind on the sail's back surface. That's called running befo
the wind. In sailing off the wind, the sails are set at a for
five-degree angle from the axis of the craft. This way,
wind exerts a pulling rather than pushing action, unde
stand?"

"I will when I see it, I guess," Robert said, smiling at i
Gary glanced back.

"This won't work if you don't pay attention and cone
trate," he said stiffly.
"I will," Robert promised. "Sorry."
"The wind flows at a great rate of speed along the for
surface of the sail, creating an area of lower pressure ahe
of the sail. Understand?"
"Yes. 1 mean, aye, aye."
Cary shook his head.
"I must be crazy."

"He's paying attention, Cary," I insisted.
"We'll see."

"I just don't understand why the wind doesn't turn 1
boat over if the sail is at a forty-five-degree angle,"
said. Cary stopped walking and turned.

"It would if the hull were perfectly flat. Every sailt
a fixed keel that acts as a flat longitudinal plane to pr
the boat from moving sideways," Cary explained, illu
ing with his hands.

"Oh. But if we're moving with a forty-five-degree ;
how do you get the boat to go in the direction you wantjj
go?" Robert asked. Gary's eyes filled with that
pleasure he always had when talking boats. I was;
Robert was asking questions.

"By sailing on the wind, a sailboat makes a course:
forty-five degrees away from the wind direction. Firs
go to the left and then you go to the right,
called tacking. You should know the terms so you'U 1


t1 mean when I show you and tell you to do something.
; about means shifting from one tack to the other.
, do it with the rudder, pointing the bow up into the
I and then away from the wind on the opposite tack, or
t away from the direction of the wind until the sails
i the other side."

, nodded, but I could see he wasn't clear on what
i explaining.
fcJbre-and-aft rigged vessels--"

ad-aft?"
t don't even know what that means?"

: I do. Is fore the front?"

»


: smiled.

f fore-and-aft rigged vessels, this maneuver is called
I in square-rigged it's called wearing. If we start to

, I'll say we're broaching, understand?"
(control?"

i happen," Gary said dryly.
E happens?"

i over and you fall into the sea and mess up your
It," Gary said, turned, and walked on. Robert I me.

"worry, he won't let our boat turn over," I said.
t«ver."

reassuring," Robert remarked and we followed
: our side.

1 set the blanket out on a nice flat spot hi
> while Robert and Cary launched the Sunfish. I
, along Daddy's binoculars so we could watch
e. I knew that once Cary had boarded our
t sail, he would be all business. He was really a

and expert at reading the wind.
Lback and forth, the Sunfish bouncing over the
; as if it was running smoothly each time,
through the glasses, I saw Cary lecturing,
I adjusting, directing Robert to make this turn


»**$»$*«««"*-

V. C. ANDREWS


and that, explaining as they went along. Even so, a few \ times, they did come close to capsizing when Robert was at
the rudder and cotrtioYlvng the sail.

May and I played a few games of Chinese checkers,
searched the beach for interesting seashells and waded out,
along the jetty of slippery rocks, searching for tiny crabs."!
The terns flew around us and followed us everywhere, ij
especially when we returned to the blanket. They kne
about picnics, anticipated crumbs, and eyed us cautiously.!

Nearly two and a half hours later, Gary brought the| Sunfish around and headed for Logan's Cove. They beache
where we had set up our blanket. Robert's clothes
soaked, but he looked exhilarated.

"How did he do?" 1 asked as they made their way up \ us.

"Fair to middling," Gary said without much enthxi

"It takes lots of practice," I said. I looked closer
Robert's face. His cheeks and forehead were beginning \ took sunburned, but the back of his neck was the redde
deep crimson. "Oh, Robert, you should have worn son
sunblock. You're going to be hurting tomorrow."

"Yeah, I'm going to regret not putting any on. I feel t
as burnt toast," he said. He gazed at Cary. "How
you're not burnt?"

"I've been out there so long, my skin's used to the i
he said. "Anyway, I'm starving. Let's eat," he added.

May and I took out the food and as we ate, Rob
described his sailing lesson, revealing that Cary had
screaming, "You're broaching!" more than half the time
think I finally got the hang of it toward the end, huh, *

"You're getting there," Cary said. "Actually," he
tantly offered, "for a landlubber, you didn't do too ba

"Thanks," Robert said. He was practically bea
"You're not so bad yourself for an old sea dog."

"Old sea dog, huh?"

"You are a bit bowlegged," Robert kidded. I laughe

"I am not." Cary stood up. "Am I, Laura?"


"Only just a little, Cary," I said hesitantly.

"Is that so? Well, I've got perfect balance on or off land,"
Cary bragged.

Robert laughed.

"Want to find out, big shot?" Cary challenged. Robert
glanced at me.

"Cary, no," I said.

"He's the one who claims to be perfect," Cary said.

"What's your challenge?" Robert asked.

"Ever hear of Indian wrestling?"

"Sure. I'm the Eastern United States champion," Robert


1

"Will you two stop? We still have dessert to eat. Sit,
||Bary," I ordered, pointing to his spot on the blanket.
"We have to earn it first," Gary taunted. "Champ?"
Cary took his stance, his hand out. The object was to pull i opponent so far off balance that he fell. I knew Cary was r good at it, probably from doing balancing acts on boats

; heavy seas.
= Robert jumped to his feet. May laughed and clapped her

ads in anticipation.

f "You're going to mess up that sailing costume even
" Cary warned,
e'll see."

ITill you two stop?" I pleaded. My heart began to
ttd. Whenever egos came into question, especially mas
ne egos, there was always trouble,
obert grabbed Gary's hand, took his stance, and the
[le began. Both were strong. "Their forearms bulged
I their shoulders strained. Robert surprised me with his
i and I could tell Cary was amazed as well. He had
ht he would make short work of Robert. Both nearly
the other and then Robert faked a thrust forward
J pulled Cary so hard, Cary lost his footing and fell face
, unable to catch himself before he fell face first into
I sand. When he pushed himself up, his cheeks were
i with sand, as were his chest and legs.


"And still champion of the East Coast, Robert Royce,"
Robert cried, holding his hands high. May laughed,
eyes met mine and I knew this was not going to end well.*

"Let's have a rematch," he demanded.
.	"You'll have to speak to my manager," Robert
f i nodding at me.

"Cary, please, stop. Let's have dessert."

"I don't need dessert. Come on. You were just
Royce," Cary declared. He took his stance and held out 1
hand. Robert looked at me. I shook my head but
shrugged.

"I can't pass up a challenge," he said. "I have my fans 1
consider."

"Great." I slammed the basket cover down and sulked t
they started their struggle.

It went as before, both nearly toppling the other,
was much more intense this time, his determination
„ ing his mouth and filling his eyes with fire. Once
Robert made a good feint, only this time when he
back, Cary fell forward onto him and the two of
toppled to the sand.

"Tie," I cried, happy it was over, but they didn't let go|
each other. The test of strength continued on the ;
Robert laughed and Cary tugged his arm, pushing him \ to the sand. In response, Robert clutched Cary's ankle i
pulled him to the sand. Then the two of them grap
turning and twisting, one over the other.

"STOP IT!" I screamed. I stood up. May did, too. "If} two don't stop, I'm leaving."

They grunted, neither relinquishing his hold on the <
The struggle continued. I grabbed May's hand and
looked back over her shoulder as I pulled her
marched over the beach and back to our house, leav
two muscle men grunting and groaning in the sand.

Thanks to their stupid male egos, what could have \ perfectly wonderful afternoon was ruined. Mommy
Daddy had gone to town, so I didn't have to answer i


tions. Instead, I went upstairs to my room, May trailing
, wondering what had gone wrong.

s!" I signed angrily. "They can be such idiots. They
getting along so well and now this. I'm tired of it.
i&e lucky. You still treat boys as if they had cooties."
fot anymore, Laura. I like a boy in my class," she
ssed.

on't tell him," I advised. I was feeling so bitter and
, I seized my latest needlework and sat by the window
tiling the needle in and out of the cloth.

ort time later, I saw Robert and Gary. They weren't
5 side by side until they reached the house. Then they
I and spoke to each other quietly.

for ruining the picnic," I hollered out the
, The two looked up.

were just fooling around, Laura," Gary claimed.
' did you run off like that?"

weren't fooling around. You're both just two idi
'-I declared. "I don't care if I do anything with either of

1 **

i," Robert pleaded. "It was just..."
l my arms and sat back so neither of them could
. I didn't hear them come into the house and I didn't
Hubert drive off, but I held my curiosity on a tight
; and didn't look out the window. They're planning
king, I thought, and suddenly heard the two of them
; beneath my window. To the tune of "My Darlin'
ae," they sang, "We are sorry, we are sorry, we are
j;for what we did. We feel lost and gone forever, oh our
* Laura Logan." They repeated it until I stuck my
and saw the two of them, now with their arms
t each other's shoulders, gazing up at me.

n't help but laugh. I we forgiven?" Robert asked.
i shouldn't be, but you are," I said with a smile.

can we have our dessert now?" Gary followed,
rked up another appetite."


"Oh, now the feast makes sense, huh? Come on in," t|
said, delighted that they had come to a truce.

1 signed to May, explaining what was happening now. 1
shook her head with confusion.

"Being grown-up is going to be harder than I thought," 1 she replied and I laughed.

After dessert, Gary went back to the beach to dock Sunfish and I walked Robert to his car to say goodbye.

"I had a great time. I'm really sorry about our ruiningl
for you, Laura."

"I'm just happy you and Gary are getting along, Robert. J
just hope you two will stay that way."

"We will," he promised. "You're really a good cook,"!
said. "I enjoyed the picnic."
"Thank you."

He paused and I saw he was thinking of something i
was taking a great deal of courage to say, so I helped.
"What is it, Robert?"

"I was just wondering. My parents are going to
next Saturday to buy some things for our place. I'm;
going," he explained. "How would you like to come owe
the hotel and maybe we could make dinner together?'
could pretend we were the owners and we had a hotel 1
guests and--"

"I don't know," I said, looking back at the house.
wondering what I would say to Daddy. Robert looked'
disappointed.

"Oh, well, it was just an idea," he said, opening i
door.

"I guess there's nothing wrong with my going to <
your house," I said. "I'll tell the truth: You invited i
"That is the truth," he said, encouraged.
"It's not lying if I don't mention that your
away."

"No, it's not lying."
"I'll work it out," I promised.
"Great. What should I make?"


"I'll think about it and let you know during the week," I
id.

"It'll be like we're married," he said and leaned out to
i me. "I love you, Laura," he whispered. A**I love you, too," I said and he started the engine, backed
waved, and drove away over a road dappled with
tit and shadows.

rhaps some day we would be married, I daydreamed,
then I thought about Grandma Olivia. She probably
I't attend the wedding. She might even excommuni
: me from the family as she did her own son, Chester, I like Uncle Chester, that was a chance I was willing to I and a price I was willing to pay for the one I loved.

ver, I had no idea just how powerful Grandma
i was and how much she could raise the costs.


it*


6

GO

Hopelessly Devoted



Despite their wrestling match on the beach, Gary
Robert remained friends, and Gary even went over to the!
j Marina in the middle of the week and helped Robert and 1
father with some of the refurbishing of the dock. On'
day, we had a bad storm. The rain fell so hard the drops i
bouncing on the streets, pounding the windows and
making the walls of our house beat like the outside
Aram. Daddy couldn't go out on his lobster boat, so he <
OS to aad from school just to have something to do. It'
4srk and dreary and unusually cold for this time of year.|
didn't begin to clear up until late Friday afternoon.
" "At least we know we did a good job on the dock,"]
«0M me in the cafeteria, "thanks to Gary. The storm did
have any effect on it at all."
* Cary blushed at the compliment. The three of us
been inseparable over the past week. I could see we
becoming the subject of idle chatter, some of the
jealous girls dipping into their dark wells of innuendo (
nastiness to bring up new vicious rumors. Someone I note stuck in the door of my hall locker. It read, Grandpa sit and watch while you and Robert kiss?"


I ripped it into a dozen pieces, afraid of what Gary would
i if he saw it. He didn't mention anything, but I sensed
he was getting ugly notes as well. If anyone bothered
, he didn't tell me either. However, on Friday morn
just before lunch, Gary got into a fight with Peter
i in the boys' locker room. Whatever Peter said put
into a wild rage. He bloodied Peter's nose and gave
i a. welt on his forehead.

; asked Gary what had happened, but he wouldn't talk
t it. He wouldn't say anything in the principal's office,
t once again, he was suspended for fighting. The school
I Mommy and Daddy, and when they came to pick us
| Mommy cried in front of Gary, which was punishment
During the drive home, he sat with his head
1 and listened while Daddy spoke softly, almost like
i pronouncing a death sentence on a convict.
a're not a boy anymore, Gary. You do a man's work,
been doing it for some time now. When you're a
|, your parents are judge and jury. They're your govern,
your court judges, and they pass sentence on your bad
s. But now, you have to live with yourself and what you
i have to be responsible for your actions and answer
her voice than mine. You hurt all of us and you have I with that. If they decide to throw you out of school,
^will be that."

fwasn't my fault, Dad," Gary protested,
by wasn't it? You beat that boy good."
t had it coming to him."

"' Daddy pursued. Gary just shook his head. i had it coming to him."

when they make you judge and jury, you can I that, but for now, you'll sit home instead of being in
Inhere you need to be the most."

' looked to me to see if I could add anything to clear >, mystery. I just shook my head.

tired," Daddy said as soon as we got home. "I'm
fcjap to bed early tonight."


"I'll send up some supper for you, Jacob," Mommy cattt
after him.

The air was so thick with gloom, I thought we'd have t
slice our way through the sadness. May, locked up in
^NOild of silence, nevertheless sensed the tension, and sat t
Gary's feet, gazing up at him with big, sad eyes from time t
time, which only made him feel more miserable,
skipped supper, too, and went up to his attic hideaway.

I heard him moving furniture and when I looked up at i
ceiling, I saw he had put something over the hole. Then 1
was quiet.

I often went up to Gary's workshop to watch him work<
his models. It was a small room because of the way the i
slanted, but he had a nice-sized table where he worked 4 his model ships. The ships he had completed were lined i
on half a dozen shelves. He was most proud of his
ships, and they held center stage on each of the shelves, 1

When he'd been silent for over half an hour, 1 went \ see him. He sat with his back to me and continued to ^

"What's that?" 1 asked.

"A replica of the HMS Victory, the flagship of the Br
admiral Horatio Nelson," he said. "I feel like wor
war ships these days."

"Gary, what happened between you and Peter?
tdlme"

"What's the difference? It's over and done," he saic

"Is it over, Gary?"

He turned and I saw his eyes were bloodshot.

"It won't be over until we're both out of there, 1
fired back at me.

"Why?" I pursued. He returned to his model and >
"Gary, I want to know. Why won't it be over?"

"Because they won't stop," he mumbled. "They
doing it too much."

"Doing what?"

"Belittling me, belittling you, saying disgusting
about us."

"What things?" I asked, anticipating the answer. \


utterflies of panic fluttered in my stomach when he turned

rd me again.

"Things like, 'Do you and Robert take turns? Do you pick
fi% card to see who goes first? Or do you go at it all at once?'
i happy now, now that you know?" He looked so strange,
i I couldn't tell if it was rage or sadness shining brightly
i his eyes.
: '"No," I said, "but you've got to ignore them, Gary.
y're just spiteful and mean." f "I won't ignore them. I'll stuff their garbage words down

garbage mouths," he vowed.

^'But you don't win in the end, Gary," I said softly.
iMi're the one suspended from school."
"It doesn't matter. I get some satisfaction and at least
know they'll have to pay and pay dearly for every
:," he said. Then he fixed his glare on me. "No one's
anything to you? Bothered you?" He got his answer
i my silence. "You wouldn't tell me anyway," he said.
"Jo, because look at what happens," I said. "You want
s supper? I'll bring something up."
i not hungry."
ted down the ladder.

he called,
at?"
on't let anyone make fun of you when I'm not in


' won't," I said. He went back to his model ship.

: called to find out what had happened and express
apathy. I was afraid that if he knew the whole truth,
9, would get into fights and then I would be responsi
' the two of them doing badly in school,
tt're still coming over tomorrow night, aren't you,
*" Robert asked.

i," I said, even though I knew I would regret leaving
1 up in his own dark, unhappy world.

\ there by five, okay?"

9»

; night I lay awake for the longest time with my eyeswide open, thinking. What terrible things had we done to,
cause all the nasty gossip about us? We were twins, born
minutes apart. We had been connected in our mother's I; womb and birth was a great separation from each other as^
^jjitfi'miirTiYirT 'TFh-n-rr were younger, we did cling to each|
^jflSSis more than most brothers and sisters, even those close |
ia age. I couldn't recall a day or a night when we were apart.*
M|S sure most of our friends believed that when one of then
said something to one of us, the other would soon know ft, Jth^y all sensed that there were no secrets 1 would keep f
Otty or he from me. He just naturally hovered about
ftsd me as we grew older. Being twins, it took only i

; or a look for us to communicate a fear or a happy ide
i*E3Perbap* our friends resented this magical connection " ^p«tbapit they were jealous and that was why they wanted t
-fe»rt m. It was easy for them to turn Gary's devotion to 1
tisto something dirty and sick.

I And then, a more fearful voice, tiny, hiding in the back« ^«ay mind, stepped up to say, "Maybe Cary was so
because he realized some of what they said was true..
was too devoted to you. Maybe ae realited his own pr
and maybe his violence was his way of trying to deny fc
1 turned over in bed and buried my face in the pillow!
shut off that tiny voice and the memories it eve
Memories of strange looks, lingering touches, intit
words that were meant for lovers, not siblings. I was i
for Cary, afraid that if I gave this tiny voice even an io
credence, I would avoid Gary's eyes, find his touch bur
flee from being alone with him. The separation that 5
begun the day we were born would reach its final stage, i
soon Cary, my poor beloved brother, would be alone.

I cried for him, feeling anger and confusion, as
shame. He was still above me, shut up in his attic i
It was very quiet, but I thought I heard him crying. 11
hard, but it was silent again. The wind had died i
there was still enough of it to make the walls creak. <
the moon played peekaboo with the parting clouds,
rose and fell against the dark sand, resembling a


-band reaching out of the ocean, crawling out onto the sand.
| Night was our respite, the time to put aside the trials and
torments of the day, to rest our weary bones and stuff our
| 'troubled thoughts into dark corners and then welcome sleep
I like a long-cherished friend.

I closed my eyes and prayed and waited for the surprise of
Dining.


The next day, Daddy and Cary went to work right after
fast and were gone almost all day. They were just
ing home when Robert pulled in to pick me up for our
, Both Daddy and Cary knew I was going to Robert's for
but not even Cary knew that Robert's parents had
: for Boston and wouldn't be home until late the next day.
„ With all the trouble circling our lives recently, I was eager
> leave our gloomy house. I felt guilty about not telling
and Mommy that Robert's parents wouldn't be
but I knew if I did, Daddy would scowl and say he
at think it would be proper.

11 waved good-bye to the both of them and got into
t'scar.
jSfpu all right?" he asked.

1 a small smile, took a deep breath, and nodded.
, fine," I said.

t squeezed my hand gently and then backed out of the
A moment later, we were headed toward the inn
: romantic evening. The Royces had done a lot of work
i I'd visited last, and I could tell as we pulled into the
that their work was almost complete. Robert gave
grand tour, taking me from the sitting room to the
i and then showing me some of the guest suites. All of
Here beautifully decorated, bright and airy, especially
that looked out at the beach and ocean. With its flooring, watt covering, fixtures, and furniture, the i now ranked up there with some of our finest inns.
; advertising in the big newspapers and magazines,"
l explained. "Mom and Dad are very hopeful"


"As they should be," I said. "You and your parents did a|
wonderful job, Robert."

"Thank you."

Being alone in the refurbished, sparkling new inn ma
us both somewhat nervous. Without realizing it, we
being formal and very polite. Robert opened doors for i
and kept his hand on my back as we climbed the stairs.'
avoided each other's eyes and talked only about the inn, 1
grounds, and the upcoming tourist season. It was almost i
if we were strangers who had just met.

"I guess we should think about dinner. I bought eve
thing you told me we'd need," he said, and we headed fS|
the kitchen, where we both worked on the preparation
had him peel potatoes and heat up pots of water
vegetables while I breaded and sauteed flounder fillets.

Robert had already set the dining room table. He
their finest china and silverware laid out, with linen napk
and crystal goblets beside them. There were tall,
candles in the two candelabra in the center of the
Over the new sound system that had been piped into.
it rooms downstairs,he played soft romantic music. 1 v	"Do your parents know all about this, Robert?" I;

"Oh sure," he said. "Mom suggested 1 use our nicest s
Although, I didn't tell them about this," he added.
produced a chilled bottle of Portuguese wine. "I thou
would be all right. This is a special occasion," he add

I nodded and went back to our dinner pret.
When everything was ready, I told him to light the t
and sit at the table. I would bring in the meal.

"Let me help," he said, but I insisted and he went is
dining room.

I brought in the food and Robert poured glasses of\ Shyly we made a toast to the Sea Marina.

"May she have a successful maiden voyage,"
declared.

We began to eat. Robert raved about ev
laughed, drank more wine, and pretended first we >
owners and then the guests.


ls*This is our honeymoon," he suggested. "Where are we
a?"

"Jew York. No, the Midwest. That way we haven't seen
»ocean," I followed.

ifAnd now that we have, we're enchanted."
i don't want to leave. Ever."

5 changed his posture, trying to take on the demeanor of
»lder, stuffy businessman.

> even thinking of looking for work here. Did I tell tmy dear?"
litated Grandma Olivia and looked down my nose at


, you didn't."

ed at a small beach house yesterday. Nothing
ate, but it has a wonderful view. It would be a great

6 to raise children. They would have the world's biggest
' he said.

ox? My children won't be permitted to dirty their
ads and feet in any old sandbox."
lied and drank more wine,
dy, Robert reached across the table and put his
mine, fixing his warm eyes on me and giving me

ful winsome smile.

pj told you how happy I am, how utterly complete I
I'm with you, Laura? It's as if the world was for you and me. There's no one else and all the
(ours alone to behold."

it was the wine or his words that brought an
tingle to my stomach, I do not know. All I
i of was that I felt like I was overflowing with love r and I never wanted to let go of his hand or this
..He leaned over to kiss me, a short, soft kiss, so

otle, it was more like the kiss in a dream.
pj« said. "How lucky I am to have found you."
'"I said, barely above a whisper. i to my hand and then slowly, ever so slowly, he I me with him. Again he kissed me. It was
\ that grew deeper with each moment, became


more demanding and ended only because we were both >
of breath. He brought his face to mine and let his lips glid
over my cheek and to my ear where he nibbled gently
then whispered, "Shall we go to our room, darling?"

Our room! The thought of it was both thrilling
frightening at the same time. My heart began beating 1
catty as Robert led me from the dining room to the i
and to a suite that looked over the beach and the sea.

Entering the room, we were both so nervous we could
speak. Standing in front of me, Robert unbuttoned his!
and took it off, dropping it on the chair. My fingers, a$|
they had minds of their own, went to my blouse and, \ trembling, undid each button. Slowly, I took off my 1
and let it drop beside Robert's shirt on the chair. He s
and stepped forward to kiss me, his hands moving 1
my back to undo my bra.
My heart pounded.

Robert undid his pants and sat on the bed to take off
shoes and socks. I watched him with eyes wide as he i
his pants and folded them over the back of the chair.
The wind made the curtains dance and the ocean <
roared against the beach, but all I really heard was i
thumping of my own heart.

I unzipped my skirt, slipped it down my legs and plao
over Robert's pants. Then I took off my sandals and he^
to embrace me. We kissed again, and again it was a 1
demanding kiss that took our breath away.
"Laura," he whispered.

I didn't look down, but I felt him move his hands 1
waist. I kept my eyes closed as he stepped out of his 1
and then gently lowered my panties. I stepped out of |
as if I were stepping gingerly into a warm bath.

For a long moment, we didn't touch, we didn't
was as if we had brought each other to the brink, to \ from which we could never turn back once we
forward.

"You're the most beautiful woman in the world,
love you so much, my heart aches."


pftfove after wave of warnings drifted over me, but my body
i tingling and the voices of restraint were dying under the
of desire. I threw all caution aside and made the
I step forward. Suddenly Robert's hands were on my
I his lips were pressed to mine, our bodies touching, where . And yet, we still couldn't get enough of each
. Our legs had to rub against each other, our stomachs,
Our hands had to stroke all over until we were
5 to each other like two people holding on for dear life,
j we knew it, we were in bed, our heads comfortably
; against the fluffy pillows, our bodies entwined under
: sheets.
tt*t worry," Robert whispered. "I'm prepared."

my eyes and drifted, my head spinning as I
Moments later, I felt his lips on my stomach. He
I his way up, between my breasts, over them and then
'mouth as he moved gracefully between my legs.
t," I said weakly, almost too weakly for him to


i really is pur honeymoon," he said before we joined,
i, I cried, I grasped his hair so hard I was sure he
i pain, but he didn't resist or complain. I felt tears
5down my cheeks and when he felt them, he kissed
y. When it was over, we lay there, still entwined,
i breathing hard.

i:i gazed down and saw the blood on the bed sheet
a, look," I said.

| worry. I'll take care of that." He started to smile.
I away from him, spinning around and pressing my
rpillow.
' he said, pressing his palm to my back. "I love

i »

I had fallen back to earth, like I had been
a cloud, and suddenly, it turned gray and
1 began to rain down on the Sea Marina, releas- \ with the raindrops. My heart was still pound
ad was clearing, the thoughts rushing in like
I found an opening.


We had done it; I had gone too far; I had lost control. Or j
had I simply wanted it as much as Robert? Was it a sin to |
want it? Was all that Daddy taught and preached true,,
would he take one look at me and read the sin in my i
Would it break his heart?

I thought about Gary, too: about his distrust of all
boys who looked at me or spoke to me. Nothing won
convince him that this was good and pure and beautiful. 1
would say I had simply become someone's little trophy.
"Laura, what's wrong?" Robert asked softly. "I don't know what came over me. Why ... how .. ."4
"Laura, we didn't do anything wrong. We love each» Don't start feeling guilty."

"Why shouldn't I feel guilty, Robert?" I snapped and \ up to gather my clothes. "This is exactly what everyo
would have thought would happen if 1 came here and:
the evening with you alone. Every accusing eye and
every sneer--"

"But we didn't do anything wrong. We love each oti
want each other."

"I drank too much wine," I said, flailing about forf
excuse.

"You don't mean that, Laura. You don't mean the reason you made love to me like you did was because\ got drunk." Robert lay there, looking at me with such j
in his eyes.

"I don't know what 1 mean," I wailed. "I just feel Ift
went too far, that we ruined something true and pure.1
"That's foolish."

"It's not foolish to me, Robert!" I cried,
"Okay, okay," he said, holding up his hands. "I'm i
didn't mean you were foolish, but you know in your 1
this was what you wanted, too."

"That's just it. Maybe I did, but maybe I was
want it."

"You weren't wrong," he insisted.
"That's something boys usually say," I shot back. ^
"Not this boy. I say what's true and good for us. U


[ myself in bed with every girl I meet and I don't fall in
s with every girl I meet, but I fell in love with you." r I put on my sandals and looked at him. Td better go home," I said. t_"

e, Robert. I just want to go home." Sfou're punishing yourself unfairly," he said, rising. He
I to dress.

I go down and clean up while you dress," I said. "You
do something about the bed sheet, too."
t's all right. I can do it later."
; anyway and hurried down the stairs. I was already > the table when he caught up with me. He seized my


said I'd do that, Laura. Stop this. Stop punishing

' 99


I to swallow, but couldn't. I just stood there, nodding
; He embraced me and held me, stroking my hair.


, Laura, Laura," he sang. "If I thought I made you
»»


tail right," I said, straightening. "Just take me home.
Hotter after I get some sleep."
E*3 right. Things always look better in the morning,


s," I said prophetically. I looked back at the
(room table. Our dinner had been so beautiful, so
Then why was I so confused, so twisted with


i way home, Robert cajoled, pleaded, begged me
: poorly of him or myself. He repeated his love
. swore he would go to the ends of the earth to iifhe had to. He said he would rather walk on fire
fuse in any way ever.

i talk, but all my words got jumbled and stuck in
r All I did was look out the window at the dark
s crashing waves. I didn't understand my own ' could I explain them to him?


"Give me some time," I told him when we arrived at my
house.

Sadly, he nodded.

"I was hoping this would be a special night...'

"It was," I said. I kissed him quickly on the cheek and raaf
to the front door. I didn't turn back to wave. I went insid
and up to my room before anyone could see my face. Then!
went to the bathroom and threw cold water on my che

"Laura? Is that you, honey?" I heard Mommy call
my doorway.

"Yes, Mommy."

"Everything all right?"

"Yes, Mommy. I just had to go to the bathroom," 11
"I'm fine."

"Okay. Would you like some hot chocolate?"

"No, Mommy. I ate and drank enough."

"Oh. Is Mrs. Royce a good cook?"

I swallowed and closed my eyes. Robert had told me i
was a good cook.

"Yes, Mommy," I said. I felt like I had stuck pins in i
own throat. No one believed in me more than Mommy i
no one would refuse more to believe I had lied or
deceitful

"That's nice, dear. You can tell me all about it tome
if you want. Good night, Laura."

"Good night, Mommy."

I heard her go to her room. Then I took a deep breath i
got ready for bed. I tossed and turned all night,
myself in a rowboat that was being flung from one another, the sky black and full of cold rain. Out of the i
clouds Daddy's face appeared, raging. A long
accusation pointed at me from the heavens.

"Tfou have sinned," he bellowed. It was a chant cau
the wind. "You have sinned."

I woke up in a cold sweat.

"I haven't sinned. I haven't. I love Robert and he!
me. That's not a sin. That's--"

I pressed my hand to my mouth, embarrassed


talking aloud. Slowly, I lowered my head to the

and stared into the darkness until my eyelids grew so
again, I couldn't keep them open.
Sunlight burst into my room like a bird crashing madly
the window. My eyes snapped open and I sat up
kly. I had perspired so much during the night, my
awn was cold and wet. I pulled it off my body quickly
t went in to take a warm shower, turning my face into the

and letting it pound on my closed eyes and cheeks.
pfo one but Gary seemed to notice how quiet I was at
fast. Daddy was excited about a new location he had
Uvered for lobster fishing and talk of the day's work
the conversation. Every once in a while, Gary
; at me and I could see from the way he studied me
i he sensed something was wrong. Every time his ques
1 gaze met mine I glanced away quickly. I was eager
yone to finish eating so I could escape to the kitchen
3p Mommy clean up.

r poked his head through the kitchen doorway just as
ay and I were finishing.

going over to the bog," he said, "if you and May
| to come along."
i ahead, dear," Mommy said. "We're almost done."

»»


aow it's not as exciting as it used to be," Gary

'Forget it."

' I cried. He looked back, surprised,
[like to go, too. I'll get May."
sined him outside and the three of us, just as we used
I over the beach to our cranberry bog. It was all in
i and looked like a pale pink ocean.

r says it will be a fair crop this year, but no record
r," Gary remarked. He leaned over and inspected f the blossoms.

harvest until the fall and even with everyone
: was still quite a process. It was Gary's job to run
i harvesting machines. He had been doing it since


"Looks healthy," he remarked. He gave May a blc
Then he sat and put a twig in his mouth as he gazed out i
the ocean. "So how was your dinner? Are you a member« their family yet?"

"No, Gary. And you don't have to be so sarcastic. We 1
a nice dinner," I added quickly.

"Urn." He glanced at me. "Everything all right?"

"Yes," I said.

"You don't took all that happy this morning."

"I've been thinking about a lot of things," I said.

"Oh?"

"Things I have to work out for myself," I added,
grimaced.

"Used to be a time when you and I trusted each
with our problems, Laura."

"It's not that I don't trust you, Cary. Sometimes
have to deal with girl issues, issues boys just won't be i
understand."

"Sure," he said, his mouth twisted with skepticism.

"I'm telling you the truth, Cary Logan. You don't 1
sneer at everything I say."

"You mean you're not going to discuss this with:
precious boyfriend?"

"Cary!"

"What?"

"Nothing," I said, shaking my head, my tears
from the corners of my eyes.

"What is it, Laura?" he asked with a face full of (

"Boys are just... boys!" I cried and got up. 1|
running down the sandhill, but sand has a way of Ł I know I looked clumsy and foolish, nearly lo
balance as I hurried back to the house.

All that day I found myself bursting into tears;
apparent reason or warning. I tried to hide my
spent most of my time alone in my room under the j
studying for finals. The truth was my eyes just flc
the pages of my notes, my mind not grasping


. Robert called, but I kept our conversation short and
I the unhappiness in his voice when I ended the call.
Eseturned to my room and my mind once again returned I night before,
dy? I demanded of my annoying conscience, why
i I feel any guilt? I love Robert and I believe he loves
I^What we did all people who are in love do.
t other people wait until the proper time, until they are
and until they swear their love and loyalty before
i a church, my conscience, in Daddy's voice, replied.
I shook my head. Love is what's holy, not words

ed by a priest. Love, pure and simple.
f love? Can you be so sure, so positive? Will you be in

r this next year? Will Robert?
, yes, yes, I shouted in my thoughts.

ttly there was a gentle knock on my door. I quickly
llway my tears with the back of my hand. 1 as it?"
ropened the door and leaned in.

if I did anything or said anything to hurt your pounds today, I'm sorry," he said. "I just wanted you to
; before you went to sleep."
ta't," I said. "But thanks."
.Night, Laura."
i-night, Cary."

: the door and walked softly away.
phe following week, Robert would leave a letter in
at the end of every day. Each letter declared his I more than the letter he had previously written. ^apologize to you, Laura, but I tell myself what we
wrong and neither you nor I should feel guilty
' love you and only you and making love is only
t of saying it. There's no one to forgive, he added.
i letters up and kept them hidden in my desk at
; and rereading them so much, I thought the
f starting to fade. I wanted to believe every word
I everything he said to me. I wanted that more


than anything and I fought hard to silence the voice
conscience that berated me and threatened me with
punishments of damnation.

Every night that week at dinner, Daddy seemed to
the readings from the Bible as if he knew what was going (
in my mind. One night Isaiah, Chapter 1: "Ah sinful natio
a people laden with iniquity, a seed of evildoers, chile
that are corrupters . . ."

I looked down at my lap and when I looked up, I felt t
heat in my face and Gary's penetrating gaze, his face :
full of questions and concern.

T\ie next night it was my turn and Daddy asked nwyj
read from Romans, 8.1 began, but my voice cracked wb
read, "... for to be carnally minded is death; but to 1
spiritually minded is life and peace ..."

My throat closed and I had to stop, pretending to
choking on something I had nibbled before we sat at.
table. I drank some water and Gary scooped up the
and completed the reading for me. Daddy looked at
with troubled eyes.

"Are you all right, Laura?" Mommy asked.
"Yes, Mommy."

"Maybe you're working too hard on your schoolv
she said. "You should take a day off and maybe go:
enjoy the beach."

"I'll see, Mommy," I said. "I'll be fine."
Robert's letters kept coming, his pleading growing 1
frantic as I continued to remain aloof in school. He|
absent on Thursday and, since Gary was already eating!
Mends, I sat with Theresa Patterson in the cafeteria.
"You look lost without Robert," she said. "Where ist
"He's ... I don't know. I guess he wasn't feeling i
morning."

Theresa's dark eyes searched my face and then she i
a little closer.
"There are a lot of girls who are jealous of you, i
Most of them would steal him away if they
they?" she asked with a small smile on her lips.


"I don't own him, Theresa. No one owns anybody else," I


She shook her head.

-"That's not the right answer, Laura. You should be a tiger
ben it comes to holding on to your man. See Maggie
as there. She'd jump you and tear out your hair you
l much as batted your eyelashes at Artrus. Everything all
: with you and Robert?" she finally asked,
res," I said.

know that boy dotes on you, Laura. That's why the
girls were making all that hissing about you and him
i Gary. They're jealous. Good," she said. "I like to see
eat their hearts out," she added, glaring at the girls
i the room, the ones who would never be seen sitting i a Brava.

: turned back to me.

bu make that boy happy, Laura, he'll make you happy.
' what I mean?" she said, winking.

ok my head.

f you're a good lover, your lover is good to you," she 1 laughed. "Never mind. I don't want to pry. But I
|3»u," she sang, "you turn your back on him once, and
: Royce is going to be snatched away."
^she right? I wondered. Was Robert losing patience
,' Would he turn away? And would I regret it, forever? i these answers were as easy as the answers that came
i my final exams, I thought, life would be so simple.


7 go

A Woman's Heart


Once, when I was much younger, I looked up
Mommy staring at me while we were both sitting
porch and doing needlework.

"What's wrong, Mommy?" 1 asked because she
strangest, soft smile on her face. She looked like a lit
amazed at some wonder of nature.

"Oh, nothing, dear," she said. "I was just thinkis
much you remind me of Belinda sometimes."

Then, as if she realized she had said something bli
mous, she bit down on her lower lip and shook
vigorously.

"Don't ever tell anyone I said that, especially
Grandma Olivia, Laura. I shouldn't have said
don't really look like Belinda. Not at all," she emp
and went back to her needlework.

Although 1 never mentioned it to anyone, not eveni
never forgot Mommy had said it, and whenever 11
opportunity to look at a picture of Aunt Belinda, 1!
her face for similarities.

Then, one day, on a whim, 1 asked Gary to take i
rest home. He refused at first. For us it was as off lis


local bar. It was pretty much understood that Aunt Belinda
was an embarrassment to our family and she was so
mentally confused, it would be a waste of time to speak to
;lser. If I asked about her, Daddy would say, "It's not your
; affair. Forget about her." Nevertheless, probably because of
remark Mommy had let slip from her lips and the
iosity it had stirred in me, I wanted to meet Aunt

ada.
Finally, Gary agreed to drive me there one day, but he

I to follow me inside.

""I'll wait out here for you," he said. "Don't be more than I half hour."

IrThat was my first visit. It was our secret for a long time.
6 drove me there one other time, but that was months ago.
r of us spoke much about Aunt Belinda. Cary didn't
: any questions about my visits. It was as if he thought it
s so forbidden a subject, even to show curiosity was a sin.
: would rather act as if it never happened.

anally, because it had been done so many times
in conversation, he would make a remark like,
t's something only crazy Aunt Belinda would do or
' She was truly a skeleton dangling in our family closet.
; day of my conversation with Theresa in the cafeteria,
I Cary to drive me to the rest home,
it? Why? You haven't been there for months," he


v. I feel sorry for her, Cary, but I want to talk to

; other things."
at other things?"

s," I said. "If you won't do it, I'll have to ask

I said. That was enough to cause him to make a
i quickly.

i it, but I won't go in with you."

v. I'd rather that you didn't anyway," I said.
t at me with a face full of curiosity, but he just

ihead.
been acting really strange these past few days,


Laura. Sometimes keeping a secret buried so long can make
it fester like a sore," he warned.

"I'll be all right, Gary- Just d° me this favor- Please."
It was almost impossible for Gary to fefuse me anything if
1 asked him strongly enough.

"As soon as we get May home, we'll go up, but it can't be;
for long, Laura. You know we can't let Daddy know.'

"I know. I think that's wrong. She's really a very lonely,
sweet old lady and no threat to anyone," I said.

He didn't reply. We picked up May from school and
walked home quickly. Then he and I got into the truck and ,
drove to the rest home.

We rode for nearly a half hour before Cary turned up a|
side road heavy with pine, wild apple, and scrub oak. It]
seemed fitting that our aunt who was kept a secret and|
whose past was to be forgotten had been put in such aa f
isolated place.

The rest home had a pretty setting. The ocean
directly behind it and the grounds in front of the buildit
consisted of a long, rolling lawn with benches, a
garden, and some fountains.

The Wedgwood-blue home was a three-story buiW
with a front porch the width of the building. Behind
building there was an elaborate garden, more benches >
fountains, and a gazebo twice the size of Grandma Oliviaf
There were some full red maple trees, more scrub oak i
pine, and the pathways were lined with trimmed b\]
had spent my second visit with Aunt Belinda out amor
gardens.

After he shut off the engine, Cary turned to me.

"Remember. Not more than thirty minutes," he or
tapping his watch. "We want to get back before Daddy J
home and starts asking questions."

"Okay, okay."

I got out and walked the flagstone walkway to thej
row of steps. I glanced back at Cary, who stared at me ^
face the picture of worry. He looked about as if he 118



afraid to be caught here, as if he were the driver for a gang of
bank robbers.

I entered the building. The lobby had light blue curtains,
|% blonde oak slat wood floor with dark blue oval area rugs.
" were large paintings of country scenes and ocean
s, some with fishermen, some simply with sailboats,
cushioned chairs and settees were all done in a light
: floral pattern. There were small wooden tables, book
iand magazine racks, and several rocking chairs were lined
i in front of the large, brick fireplace.
There were only a few residents seated, a pair of elderly
ntlemen playing checkers, with the rest just reading or

1 softly. I didn't see Aunt Belinda.
The receptionist turned from a nurse and hurried toward

p.

ITes?"
"I'd like to see my aunt, Belinda Gordon. I've been here

I said. "My name's Laura Logan."
, yes." She turned to the nurse. "Do you know where
ada Gordon is at the moment, Jenny?"
e's hi her room. I brought her there about ten minutes


I she all right?" I asked quickly. I was tired. She spent almost the whole day outside,"
said. "Come on. I'll take you to see her," she
t with a smile.

I her down the corridor through another door to
ada's room.

i sitting in her chair, her eyes closed. The moment ', appeared in her doorway, her eyes snapped open
sblinked rapidly,
s's someone here to see you, Belinda," the nurse

I into the room.

, Aunt Belinda. It's Laura. Jacob and Sara's daugh
I when her face registered no recognition.
I.
, Laura."


I pulled the chair near the window closer to her and sat.
"How are you feeling?"

Aunt Belinda was no taller than Grandma Olivia. If
anything, she was an inch or so shorter. They both had
small features, but I thought Aunt Belinda was prettier. She
had sapphire-blue eyes, which even here were brighter,
happier. Her smile was softer. There was a childlike innocence
to her, despite the tales of promiscuity and the
notoriety of her youth.

"I'm a little tired today. How is your family?" she asked.
"Everyone's fine, Aunt Belinda."
"You're Jacob's daughter?"

"Yes," 1 said, smiling. Just as before, she had trovi
remembering the details.
"Jacob has how many children?"
"Three, Aunt Belinda. I have a twin brother, Cary, and'i
younger sister, May, remember? Don't you remember
coming to see you before?"

"Oh, yes," she said. She stared a moment and then le
forward. "Have you seen Haille, then?" she asked in]
whisper, her eyes on the doorway.
Tfo, Aunt Belinda. I have never met Haille."
"Oh. Well... isn't it a nice day?" she said, gazing out 1
window.

"I came to see you, Aunt Belinda, because last time;
were telling me about the first time you fell in love, i
love. Remember?"
"Oh? Oh, yes," she said with a smile. "I remember.'
fece grew darker. "It was a forbidden love, a love to bel
in the shadows, full of whispers and stolen kisses.
saw each other in public, we couldn't show our fe
Then I lost him," she added sadly. "I lost him forever^
ever."

"But how did you know it was love, Aunt Belinda?
"Oh, it was love all right. Why? Did Olivia say sot
again? She's always telling on me, running to Dad
whining that Belinda did this and Belinda did that»-j
she's not so lily-pure."


She pouted.

"No, Grandma Olivia didn't say anything, Aunt Belinda.
I just wanted to hear about love. Somehow, for some
reason, I think you know more about it than anyone else in
my family," I added, more to myself than to her, but she
perked up.

"I do." She leaned forward and took my hand. "I've been
jhta love many times."

"Many times? But I thought there was only one great love
f your life. That's what you told me the last time," I said,
; hiding my disappointment
"There was, but I lost him and then forever after I was

i looking for him," she explained.
"Always looking for him? I don't understand, Aunt

Where did you look?"
i laughed.
auldn't you like to know?" Her eyes grew small,
aous. "Did Olivia send you here to find out?"
i no, Aunt Belinda. She has no idea I'm here."
: stared, skeptical, and then nodded softly.

time I fall in love with someone, Olivia falls in
i him, too. She always says she was first, that he

first and I stole him away by being promiscuous.

* one likes her because she's a cold fish. She won't
1 hands in public! You can run back and tell her I
if you want."

n't tell her anything you say to me, Aunt Belinda," I
Iher.

On love someone," she continued, "you're not afraid
him or have him touch you. Olivia says that's
She says it's not necessary to touch all the time
i hates kissing. Oh, she'll deny that; she'll say she
i private, but she doesn't. I know. Young men have
. She turns away all the time." She laughed and then
1 again. "You know what I heard Samuel told I He told them she won't make love with the lights
with the covers off. Like she has something
| is dying to see."


She paused and looked at me closely again.

"What did you say your name was, dear?"

"I'm Laura, Aunt Belinda. Sara and Jacob's
Laura. How can you be in love so many times,
Belinda? Isn't love something special?"

"It always was, every time," she replied. She pulled in i corners of her mouth and nodded, "You just make sure 1
respect you and treat you like a lady. Don't let him kno
you love him right away. Let him twist and torment hims
and then," she said with a wide smile, "when you finally say|
yes, he will think you have given him the world.

"I was in love once," she added wistfully. "A long timej
ago, a sweet boy, handsome. He thought the sun rose and!
on my moods. 'When you're sad,' he said, 'you bring th
rain clouds. But when you smile, the sun is bright
strong.'

"^Wasa't that sweet? It's poetry. He wrote poetry. Oliv
found the poems and tore them up. She said if I coo %sbt wjuLd show them to Daddy and he wouldi

rap to.

eft up to anything. I just... wanted someone i
-lefveme and I wanted to love him."
, She paused, took a deep breath, and then looked at

fypn

r -f\o« remind me of someone," she said and bli
rapidly for a moment. Her expression changed. It was i
'she had just set eyes on me. "Do you know my sister C"
Logan? Her maiden name was Gordon, same as mine,"
said with a light, thin laugh.

*Tm your niece, Aunt Belinda. I'm Jacob's
Grandma Olivia's Jacob."

"Yes," she said. She smiled. "How pretty you are. i a schoolgirl?"

"Yes, I'm in high school."

"And you have a boyfriend, or do you have",
boyfriends?"

"Just one," I said.

She looked out the window.


I'm waiting for him. I sit here by the window every day
11 wait. He promised he would return, you know. And he
I bring me flowers and candy. They don't want me to
i any candy," she whispered, gazing at the door. "But he I it in the flowers."

brought her hand to her mouth and giggled like a
igirL

, she suddenty suited to Ynxov.

*Aunt Belindar

She continued to hum and stare out the window.
"I'm going, Aunt Belinda," I said, rising. She paused and
1 at me.

-- !Tft>u tell Olivia I'm not sorry. She's the one who should y. If it weren't for her, he'd still be my boyfriend. We
1 be out there," she said, gazing at the garden, "walk- l hand in hand and he would be telling me sweet things."
"She returned to her humming and staring,
[leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, but she didn't
i to feel it. I paused in the doorway and gazed back at t. She looked so small and alone, left only with her
lies and haunted by her regrets and losses.
t would never be me, I pledged. No one will keep me
t my love.


' Cary said after I got into the truck and we started
; "Did you get what you wanted from her?"
"'I said.
pounds was that?"

to a question."

: question?" he asked, glancing at me. "Laura?"
; only a woman would understand," I said,
r. That stuff again."

pCary, that stuff again," I said and pressed my
1 against the window as we bounced over the road

main highway. Cary accelerated, blowing air
ht lips and shaking his head.
T because of him," he muttered.


V.CAN0KEWS


"Nothing," he growled and tightened his shoulders as be turned himself away and drove faster.
When we got home, I thanked him and hurried toward vCarj ngjaX behind me.

y^\totumty said as we entered. Gary looked
b stairs, pounding the steps so hard,
) shook.
Mommy. I'll be right in to help with

l went to the phone.
"^Waere were you today?" I asked as soon as Robert said
hello.

"I had such a headache this morning, Mom thought I was\

coming down with the flu or something. She said I had ai

little fever and gave me some aspirin and told me to take thef

fay off. Normally, I'd have to be chained to the bed,

things haven't been too normal. Did you miss me?"

"Of course. I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't."

"How are you doing? You looked so distracted

school yesterday. I hardly had a chance to say a word and!

don't think you heard anything I said anyway."

"It's all right, Robert. I've just had so much on my
with finals and stuff."
"Stuff means me, right?"
"Yes."

"I still love you, Laura. You can refuse to answer
letters, grunt after everything I say in school, but I
stop loving you."

"I know. I don't want you to," I said.
"Really?"

"Of course. How do you feel now?"
"I'm getting better fast," he said. "I'll be in
tomorrow. Laura, can't we see each other soon?"
"Yes."

"This weekend?" he asked hopefully.
"Yes, Robert. I would like that."
"Great," he said with relief. "I'll--we'll plan
okay?"
"Okay, Robert. I've got to go help Mommy with t


"I'll be at your locker tomorrow morning, probably
before you," he said with a laugh. "I love you, Laura."

As soon as I cradled the receiver, Daddy entered. He took
one look at me and then tilted his head with curiosity.
"What's going on, Laura?"

"Nothing, Daddy. I'm just going to help Mommy with
dinner. Did you have a good day?"
"Fair to middling. Where's Cary?"
"Upstairs."

"In the attic again, I suppose. That boy should have been born a bat so he could live in a belfry," Daddy muttered and
went to wash up for dinner.

>-' After dinner Mommy insisted I go up and study and not
ste time helping her with the cleanup.
"Besides," she said, signing to May, "May's big enough to

i out by herself now."

, Up in my room, I began to worry that I had lost my ability
ip concentrate and would do poorer than I expected on my
If I continued to do as well as I had, I would be my
s's valedictorian next year. I knew how important that

i Mommy and especially to Grandma Olivia.
[ hadn't been at my desk long before I heard the phone
, I listened, wondering if Robert was calling again. No
I called me to the phone, so I went back to my notes.
11 heard Daddy's heavy steps on the stairway. I looked
I sensed he had stopped at my door. He


it and stood there, his hands on his hips,
r always seemed to feel out of place in my room. My
1 were too dainty, too sparkling for him to touch. Even the gave money to Mommy and approved of the gifts,
animals, the dolls, and ceramics, he looked
ble around them. When I was just a little girl,
older than May, Daddy rarely came into my
always said his good-night from the doorway.
: he came to my bedside when I had a fever and
I the measles.


"Laura, where did you go today?" he demanded.

"You mean after school?" I replied.

"You know what I mean, Laura," he said, his voice
dripping with disappointment. I never lied to Daddy face
to-face and I wasn't about to now.

"I went to see Aunt Belinda," I admitted.

"Who took you there, Cary or Robert Royce?"

"Daddy--"

"Who took you there, Laura?"

"?\V*it\K!t" qvtj confessed from his attic doorway.

Daddy spun around and glared up at him.

"You know I told you distinctly never to go there, Gary,"

> I never knew Daddy had strictly forbidden him. It made j
me feel worse for asking him to do it.

-"He didn't go in, Daddy. I went in to see her myself. CaryJ
muted in the truck and he didn't want to take me. I

bi»i?

#r*lfoiKja»*t make a young man Gary's age do anything 1
4e*sa't want to do," Daddy said.
<* "She didn't make me," Cary said.

"You turn those truck keys over to me, Cary. I don't'
you using it until I say again, hear?"

-, *Qkay," Cary said. "Here." He tossed them down
Djddy caught them in his right hand, which only turned t
$ifr fury in his eyes another notch. Then he looked at

.,ri thought we were clear on this matter, Laura. I
you understood I didn't want you going up there,
disturbed your grandmother."

"But why, Daddy? I don't understand how it dis
asyone for me to go see a lonely old lady."
"It's family business," he said.

"So? I'm part of the family. Why can't I visit her?"

"Belinda is the black sheep of the family. It's a mat
reputation, family honor," he said.

"Why is she the black sheep?"

"I don't have to go into details, Laura. She was not a)
girl, a decent girl. She gave Grandma Olivia's fath
mother a lot of grief and that behavior continued lor.


they were gone, only then it fell on Grandma Olivia's
shoulders. She's done right by her and that's that. It's
embarrassing to me to have to learn my children disobeyed
me. It says in the Bible, honor thy father and thy mother,
Laura. It's a sin not to. Remember that," he warned.
"But--"

"There are no buts. I absolutely forbid you to go up there
again, understand? Do you?" Daddy demanded.

The tears that came to my eyes blurred my vision. Daddy i looked out of focus, but his anger was so great, his face so
fred, I couldn't look away.
"Yes, Daddy."

"I hope this is the end of it and I never get another phone
from your grandmother about it. She's very upset."

I shook my head.

"It also says 'For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your

Father will also forgive you ...'"
on't quote Scripture to me, Laura. I know Scripture

II know you should obey your father," Daddy said, his I so crimson now I thought his blood pressure must be


y, Daddy."
: it be," he said.

Wed and looked down. I heard Gary slam his attic
shut. It sounded like a gunshot in the house. Daddy
I and descended the stairs, each of his steps sounding
. judge's gavel, pronouncing harder and harder sen
i on all of us.

i difficult to get back to my studying. It took all the

tration I could muster, but I was finally able to run
a few chapters and go over some quizzes before I

tired to focus any longer. After I crawled into bed

t out the lights, I heard Gary come down the ladder. I »quickly and went to the doorway. He was just turning

i Us room.

»


he snapped,
about what happened with Daddy."


„ "I told you it would. I don't know why you had to go up
there, why it was so important right now," he said. "Girl staff,"he added and started toward his room,

"Gary!" I called, but he continued walking away from me.
He closed the door hard.

I never felt more like crawling under my blanket and
disappearing.


I apologized again to Gary in the morning when we
walked to school.
"Forget about it, Laura," he said. "You know Dad. He'll
calm down and it will be all right again."

**\ ja$l4otv't understand it, Gary. If you met Aunt Belinda
once, you would see what a sweet little old lady she is. She
can't be a threat to anyone and I'm sure she doesn't even
remember half the things she was accused of doing."

"It's not our business," Gary said,
> "Bat why isn't it, Gary? We're members of this family.^
Why can't we ask questions and express our opinions, y#&» old enough now," I insisted.

"lt*8 the way it is," he replied. Then he stopped walk
tod spun on me. "Somehow all this is because of you;
Robert, isn't it? It has to do with your great love
right?" t-1 blushed before I could utter a reply.

"Tfo» don't have to answer. I know the answer," he s
walking ahead. We had just dropped off May when
quickened his steps and kept in front of me the rest of t
way to school. As soon as Gary saw Robert waiting at
locker, he glared ut me and then hurried away to join:
own friends.

"Something wrong?" Robert asked immediately,
looked after Gary, who was plowing through other stoi
knocking shoulders, and clearing a path.

"I'll tell you about it later," I said and organized^
books and notebooks for another day of school.

Gary remained distant, barely looking at me in cla
in the hallways. He sat with his friends in the cafeteria!


sat with Robert. It was then that I told him about Gary and
me getting into trouble for visiting my forbidden aunt.

"How weird," Robert said. "No one will tell you exactly
why she's off limits?"

"No one thinks we're old enough yet," I muttered.
"I've got relatives I haven't seen, but it's only because
they're wrapped up in their own lives. My mother calls
them the funeral family." He laughed at my look of puzzlement.

"Funeral family?"

"We see them only at the funerals of other family members.
She says as far as she knows, these people have only rfelack clothing."

He laughed and I smiled.

"That's better," he said. "That's more like my Laura. Do
t»u want to go to the movies this weekend? I can splurge.
r father paid me back wages. I can take you to dinner, too. lean even afford the Captain's Table!"
"I'll see," I said and then quickly added, "what my father

I want to go."

"Good," Robert said, slipping his hand under the table to
I hold of mine. He squeezed it gently. "Good."

ated to wait until a little more time passed before I
I Daddy's permission to go to dinner and a movie with
t. Fortunately, over the next few days, Daddy's mood
I because he was enjoying a good lobster catch and
s was talk that the prices for the cranberries would go time for our harvest this year. One night after dinner
I helped Mommy clean up, I stopped in the living
i aad asked him if it would be'all right for Robert to

i to a movie.

ad dinner first," I added.

aner?" Daddy's eyebrows rose. "The tourist season
Nven started yet really, and he's got money to waste?"


^doesn't think it's a waste to take me to dinner,
I said,
shook his head.


K «* your age, going to a restaurant was some- y^dy with my parents."

aSSSKtstv*.'

^^isgiim my b«t *m*^	^ ^

Bnt-SKKJ-**-.« --' *

f would approve.

SSSSM^MM

t * high note.	,
|fcŁuy, Robert, and I left the building at the end c
^^ (ever, we were surprised to see Grandma^
*0yce in front of the school and Raymond { I it He waved as soon as he spotted us. -3
'«t on?" I wondered aloud.

" r would like to see you, Miss Laura,'


; to bring you up to the house right after
school"

J looked at Gary, whose gaze dropped to his feet.	t?*i3M«e about May," he said and started off.
. ^Something wrong?" Robert asked me.
"I don't know, I'll call you tonight," I promised and got
into the luxurious automobile. I hadn't ridden in it all that
" ^and never before alone. I felt self-conscious about
in a chauffeured Rolls with other students
.jpae.

vserfvai, I went right inside and found Grandma Olivia alone in the living room, seated in her favorite chair,
her thin-framed glasses on her pearl chain resting against
her bosom. She had been reading the society pages in the
Boston newspaper and set it aside.
"Hello, Grandma. You wanted to see me?"


"You can sit over there, Laura," she said, nodding at the
rsefa across from her. I sat and waited as she pulled her
i shoulders up.

"Is this about my visiting Aunt Belinda?" I asked quickly. "No, not directly," she said, pursing her lips for a long
aent. "You and I, you'll recall, had what I thought was a
' important conversation. I was hoping you had listened
what I said and would behave accordingly. That you
Id be a source of family pride and accomplishment and
Qtinue to be a good daughter, a good granddaughter. But
iiave chosen, it seems, to fly in the face of all my words
Ł wisdom and be defiant."

t's about Robert," I said, nodding. "I told you, Grand,
that he is a very nice young man and I--"
Jice young men don't invite impressionable young
aen to their homes when their parents are away and

s them," she spat.
Plw a moment I could swear my heart actually stopped. I
feow I felt faint.
P*What?"

' **Don't deny it. I can see it's true in your face and denying
fonly makes it worse."

do--I don't understand." Did she have spies every
e? Was every living soul in this town on her payroll?
"There's nothing to understand. What you've done and
|h&at you seem bent on continuing to do is disgraceful. I
iwant it put to an end tonight. I will not say a word of this to
fyour father and your mother if you obey, but if you
' it--"

I shook my head and stood.

"Sit down, I'm not finished with this conversation,
Laura."

"I won't listen. I don't want to hear another word,
Grandma. You don't understand and you have no right to
run my life like this."

"Of course I do," she replied, as if I had spoken the silliest words. "I'm responsible for the health and welfare of this
family."


"Why?"

"Why?" She laughed. "Why? I'll tell you why," she said,
fixing her eyes on me and narrowing them into slits,
"because the men in it are not capable of it. They've never\ been capable of it, and the other women haven't the stamina
or the backbone.

"Now, back to what I was saying. You are apparent!
seeing so much of this boy and being so openly intir
with him, you have people talking. Some of my clo
friends have come to me and--"

"You have people spying on me, Grandma? Am I
followed?"

"Of course not, but they have eyes. They have ears i
they know how important the family reputation is to:
she said.

"They're just gossips who have nothing else to do1 their lives," I cried. "I'm no princess, Grandma, and \ not a queen. We're not royalty because we can trace \ family lineage back to the first settlers here. We're justl
everyone else. We put our shoes on one at a time," I \ the tears streaming so freely down my cheeks, they <
off my chin.

"Have you no self-respect?" she hissed. "Don't yoB|
at all about what you do to my family name?"

"Your family name?"

"Our family name. I explained how important
how reputation--"

I straightened my shoulders to match hers.

"I'm not doing anything I'm ashamed of,
Olivia. I have a personal life and I'm old enough to i
own decisions about it."

"That's idiotic talk. Age has nothing to do with it*f
are people twice your age who are twice as foolish i
of them are in this family," she said.

"How do you know you're always right about <
Grandma?"

"It's my unfortunate destiny to be right ab
thing," she said calmly, resting her hands on the i


chaii, "because with that comes the awesome responsibility
of looking after the family."
"You don't have to look after me," I said.
"Apparently, I do, even more than I first thought. I'm
i warning you, Laura. Don't defy me. I'll go to your father
, tonight and reveal what you have already done. Just think
jtfhat such a revelation will do to your parents."
I shook my head, unable to speak.
"Now, quietly end the relationship, do well in your
alwork, and continue to be a helpful, loving daughter.
* time you will see my wisdom. After your next year, I'll
that you are admitted to the best of the Ivy League
ols and you'll be admitted to the most prestigious
rity there. You'll meet a young man who is deserving of
name and your life will be wonderful."
f|As wonderful as yours has been, Grandma?" I threw
; at her. She stiffened. "With a sister locked away in a
: and deserted by her family, and with a son who's
i disowned. No, thank you," I said.

*! Stop being impudent! You will do as I say or I will

my threat," she snapped back at me.
myself wilt. Mommy and Daddy would be devas
i hear about my evening with Robert. All their trust
} would be gone.

go home. Raymond's waiting for you outside,
your tests and put an end to this stupidity
ily. I will not have another member of my family
: and go astray. I didn't take action early enough
f sister and my younger son, but I am determined to

; you," she vowed.

fas if she spoke from the heavens. Her words rained
me and landed like a heavy weight upon my


no more to say to her. I turned and walked
like someone in a trance. I didn't even
the ride home. When I got into the house, I ran
rand into my room before anyone could see me
tions. I threw myself on my bed and started


to cry. I cried until my chest ached and then I turned and sat
up and wiped my tear-streaked face.

I got up and opened the desk drawer where I kept Robert's wonderful letters. I stared at them and started to
think, about him when something caught my attention. I
lifted the pack and studied it for a moment. The letters were
out of place and they had been bound again, but sloppily.
My heart sank.

Gary, I thought, must have found them and read them
and told Grandma Olivia what was inside them.


8 so


A Heart Betrayed


been the lead in several of our school plays, but I
a't think I was a good enough actor to keep Mommy and
ddy from seeing how sad I was that night. I was pale and
d-looking, no matter how I tried to smile or how I tried
s my voice sound happy.

didn't ask me any questions about my visit to
ndma Olivia's house, and he hadn't even told Mommy \ Raymond was waiting for me at the end of the school
Mommy just assumed I had something to do after
and had walked home myself. Neither she nor
' heard or saw Raymond drive me up to the house in
ollsRoyce.

was the one who signed the' questions, wondering i I had gone after school, what I had done, and why I
so sad. I signed back quickly, just telling her I was
|jwith schoolwork. Daddy didn't notice and Mommy
v preoccupied with serving dinner, proud of the new
r meat loaf she had found in an old Provincetown
er. Gary kept his head bowed, his eyes on his plate
ut most of the meal. It was Daddy's turn to read
s and while he did, I kept my gaze locked on Gary.


He couldn't look at «-"i^^^SS


*^^rL^X'5^!Ł» and do some
table, claiming he ^JjJJ^JJ th pounds and didn't question


ffSSS S^35Sft^Ł-»y with the mshes nfth^ vmVf"< enough for both of us, planning things tor tfle
~~~-B;" nisehiding a trip to Boston. Finally, she noticed me ' beside her and reminded me that I should f, too.

I grateful for the escape, but once again it was hard, if
t impossible, for me to focus on my schoolwork. My eyes
I constantly from the pages of my books and papers
; ,py attention settled on the drawer where I'd hidden
I tetters as my thoughts wrapped themselves around
t of his face and the sound of his voice.

itex. bedtime, May came in to spend some time
[ and did some needlepoint with her f her friends at school and asked me
questions about high school life. Finally, she got tired and
went to sleep. I did, too.

Moments after I had turned off my lights and crawled
under my blanket, I heard a gentle knock on my door. It was
so light, I first thought it was just some pipes rattling in the
walls. I listened again, heard it, and rose. When I opened
the door, I found Cary standing there in his robe and
slippers.

"What?" I said quickly.

"I tried, but I couldn't fall asleep without talking to you,"
he said.

"Fm not surprised," I replied curtly. I stepped away from
the door and returned to my bed. I sat on it, my legs folded
under me.

Cary entered and quietly closed the door. He stood there
gazing down at the floor for a long moment. I turned on the
lamp on my nightstand. The brightness made him squint.
"What is it, Cary?" I finally asked.
"I was just wondering what happened up at Grandma
Olivia's," he said.


"Somehow, Gary, I think you already know," I said and
looked quickly from him to my toes. I always thought I had
ugly toes. They were too big, but Robert said they were
perfect. He claimed everything about me was perfect. How
blind love can make someone, I vaguely thought. I'm far
from perfect.

"What do you mean, I already know?" Cary replied. He
gazed at me and I stared back, undaunted.

"Someone told her I had been at the Sea Marina at night,
alone with Robert"

"So? Anybody could have told her that, Laura. Anyone
could have seen you go there. Maybe you told one of your
friends at school. Maybe you bragged about it to Theresa
Patterson," he added quickly. "Maybe--"

"Maybe you told her, Cary," I said firmly.

"I would never--"

"Cary, for as long as we have been alive, you couldn't lie
to me easily. You're not doing a good job of it now either," I
said. "I don't know whether to just cry or scream my
loudest at you."

He stared.

"I might have said something to her," he admitted.
"She's . . . well, you don't know what it's like to be interrogated
by her. She called me to her house a few days ago
and--"

"Why didn't you tell me, Cary?" He was silent. "Were
you ashamed? Was that it? Ashamed that you betrayed
me?"

"Yes," he admitted.

"Why? What happened?" I asked. "Cary, you might as
well tell me everything and stop playing these silly games
with me. You might have said something? You would know
if you said something, Cary."

"Okay, I'll tell you what happened. She started with her
questions about my taking you up to see Aunt Belinda. She
was very angry about that and she bawled me out for not
knowing better. She wanted to know what was so important
about us seeing Belinda. I told her I didn't see her; it was


. ^qu and she got... I don't know . . . very mean- t*n& vaSfj scary, Laura. I've never seen her like
I me to sit down and she stood up. She's only
Ite said, holding his hand to about his chest,
y, she looked gigantic to me. She hovered over
demanded to know why you went to see Belinda,
t discuss? What did Belinda tell you? As fast as
r i didn't know, she asked another question, firing
ISO fast, my head began to spin. I thought I was in
those police stations you see in the movies. You
^interrogation rooms with the bright light in the"

tfeeer

0 ithen you told her about my letters, didn't yo«i|
' 1 asked directly.

t eyes shifted to my desk drawer and then back to me.| I don't know what you--"

^**sGary, you can't lie to me," I reminded coldly. "I
those letters were read. 1 had them folded and tied togeth
aUertain way. May wouldn't read them and Mommy
Daddy wouldn't read them. Who does that leave?"

"Well, I was worried about you. I knew you kept
tetters in that drawer. I came in here to talk to you one i
just as you were putting them away. When you
acting weird, I knew it had something to do with
Royce. So I came in here and just read a few."

"You read my personal letters," I said, shaking my 1
It was one thing to suspect it and another to hear1 confession from his lips.

"I care about you. I don't care about any
letters," he claimed. Then he paused and softened hi&4
"Were they true, Laura? I mean, what he says hap
between you and him in his place?"
I shook my head and looked away.
"I should have known you would read them," I ra» "The stuff in those letters, that was the girl stuff}
to talk to Belinda about, wasn't it?" he asked.
"No," I said. "It was far more than that."
"We never talked about those kinds of things,


never really talked about sex, but I always thought that you
would be different from the other girls in our school* that
you would never--"

"I'm not like the other girls. I am different, Gary," I
insisted, my voice cracking with emotion.

"That's what I think, too," he said, quickly nodding. "I
think it's all his fault," he said firmly, twisting my words.
"It's not all his fault!" I cried, pounding my thighs with . my small fists. The sight made Gary wince. I lowered my I voice. "It's nobody's fault I never did anything I didn't
jwant to do. I happen to ... I happen to love Robert, Gary,
tfad he loves me, too. Now you've gone and made things
|fery hard for us. You had no right to do that."

"I just did what I thought was right for you, Laura. I only
nted to protect you. I--"

tf"You had no right," I insisted, furiously shaking my head
t him. "What did you tell her exactly? I want to know all of i every ugly detail."

\ft\ didn't tell her anything exactly. I told her how funny
I had been acting and how suddenly you wanted to go see
Belinda, that you said she knew about girl stuff.
i soon as I said that, Grandma Olivia pounced. 'Girl
she demanded. 'Laura is still seeing that boy, then?
It serious has it gotten?' she demanded. I tried to make it
Hike nothing. Honest, I did, but she kept at me, asking
' if you had ever been alone with him. She's the one
sted the inn, now that I think about it. Yes. That's '. said. 'Has she gone to that inn?' From the way she
5 me, I thought she knew and was just checking to
It would be truthful. I told her'you had been with
i ;«t his place for dinner. She asked if I knew if his i were there. I said I didn't know, but I guess you're
: not a good liar, because she asked me again in a f.voice. I said I thought maybe his parents were gone
s was the one who told me what you had done. It
Ifhe had read the letters herself, Laura. I swear," he
his hand up as if he were about to take the
ad in a courtroom.


"And you didn't deny any of it? You let her believe it," I
concluded.

"She took one look at my face and said I didn't have to
say another word. My eyes said it all. She's spooky. You
know how she is. She's--"

"She's a very unhappy old woman, Gary. That's what she
is, and now she's succeeded in making me unhappy, too," I
said. "And you helped her. Are you satisfied?"

"No, of course not. But Laura, he shouldn't have . .."
Gary looked away. "If he loved you like you said, he would
respect you more and that never would have happened."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, Gary. I'm afraid
that anything I say to you might get back to Grandma Olivia
anyway," I added.

ft -was as if I had slapped him hard across the face. His
head actually jerked to the side and his eyes filled with such
pain, I couldn't look at him.

"I'm sorry, Laura, but I just did what I did because ...
because I love you," he blurted and turned quickly to rush
out of the room.

I remained sitting there for a long, long moment, staring
at the closed door and hearing Gary's words echo in my
Mis. How could I ever explain all this to Robert? Who could
ever understand the madness of my family?


I tried to sleep, but fretted in and out of nightmares,
waking with small cries, burying my face in the pillow and
then falling asleep again, only to wake before the morning
and then finally fall into a fitful sleep once again. I was in
such a deep sleep when morning did come, I didn't hear
anyone moving about the house. It was May who finally
woke me, shaking my arm.

My eyelids fluttered and I looked at her without understanding
why she was there. Then I gazed at the clock and
flew out of bed. She followed me around my room, signing
her questions. Was I sick? Was Gary sick? He wouldn't say a
word to anyone, she claimed. I was fine, I told her. I just
overslept


Mommy was at me the moment I appeared.

"Aren't you feeling well, Laura? You didn't look so well
last night, now that I think about it."

"I'm fine, Mommy. Just a little tired," I said. "I'm sorry I
overslept."

"Your brother's acting strangely, too," she complained.
"Just like when the two of you were May's age and younger.
If one of you had a stomachache, the other did, too.
Remember when you both got the chicken pox, not more
than a day apart?"

"Yes, Mommy."

"Maybe it was something in that new recipe," she mused.

"No, Mommy. If there was something wrong with the
food, you and Daddy and May would be sick."

"Yes, that's true."

"We're just a little tired," I said. It wasn't a lie. I was sure
Gary hadn't slept much better than I had.

I drank some juice, had some toast and jam, and scooped
tip my things to join May and Gary, who were waiting at the
door. Daddy had already left for work. Gary's eyes were full

of remorse and sorrow, but I chose not to look at him. I
, didn't say a word as we started out for school. May was full
: of curiosity and signed questions all the way. After we
"-dropped her off, Gary turned to me.

"I'm sorry, Laura," he said. "I didn't mean to get you in

any trouble."

"Let's not talk about it, Gary. I'm still trying to come up
^with a way to explain things to Robert."

He nodded and walked a little ahead of me all the way to
| school. When we arrived, he quickly went to his locker and
; left me to talk to Robert alone. Robert took one look at me
[and the sweet, happy grin disappeared from his face.

"What's wrong? You look like you lost your best friend,"
[be half-kidded.

"I think I did," I said.

The first warning bell rang before I could say anything,
|and I knew I didn't have enough time to explain it all.


"I'll tell you at lunch," I promised. "There isn't time now."

Robert nodded, his face darkly serious and full of worry* Between
every class he tried to catch up with me so he could \ find out what was wrong.

"Are you all right?" he asked. "You look really tired,;
Laura."

"I am really tired," I admitted.	(|

"Your brother's doing a good job of avoiding me today. Lg
caught him looking at me and when I looked back,
turned away. He's back to muttering or grunting whenever I"\ try to speak to him. What's going on?"

"We'll talk at lunch," I said, and I, too, hurried away.

However, when lunch hour finally arrived and I ap*J
preached the cafeteria and heard the happy chatter of th»|
students, all full of excitement about the approaching <
of the school year and summer vacation, I stopped a fcif \ feet from the door. My feet felt frozen to the floor.

"What's the matter with you?" Theresa Patterson as

s she came up beside me. "You look like you've seen »|


I turned to her. A tear escaped from my eye and I si
my head instead of speaking.

"Laura?"

I tan back down the corridor and out a side door, bursting |
into the afternoon sunshine and letting the tears come mofff
freely now that I was alone. I walked to an old oak tree and|
plopped down in the shade, hugging my knees, gentl
rocking back and forth. My shoulders shook as I sobbed.

"Lanra," I heard minutes later. Robert was rushing ok
the lawn toward me. "What happened? Why didn't
come into the cafeteria? I waited and waited until The
told me she saw you run outside."

He knelt beside me. I wiped my tears away and tried (
smile.

"I'm all right," I said. "I just wasn't in the mood for i
those eyes and all those inquisitive faces today."


M'Why? Tell me everything," he demanded as he sat on the

i beside me.

'JSOh Robert..." I started and then sucked in my breath.
I'SCary read the letters you wrote to me. He went into my
poom when I wasn't there and he read them," I wailed.

"Uh-oh," Robert moaned. "No wonder he's been treating
iiBe like someone with a contagious disease today. I'm sorry,
c Laura. I shouldn't have put any of that in writing. Has he

i nasty to you or--"
11* "No, it's not just Cary," I said. I paused and looked
^ around at the slow-moving traffic, the soft cotton clouds
zily crossing the horizon, and the songbirds flitting from
llree to tree. The world looked so calm and beautiful that it
the knots in my stomach and the chill in my heart
worse.

I told Robert about my great aunt Belinda and how my
tidmother Olivia had questioned Cary at length about
' visiting Belinda at the rest home.
Then I described how Grandma Olivia's interrogation
I turned to my personal life and specifically my relation
tip with him. Before I could go on, Robert sputtered out,
5fou mean, Cary told her what I wrote in my letters?"
"Not exactly," I said, "but it had the same result."
" Robert shook his head, amazed.
"What happened after that?"
"That was why she had the driver here for me yesterday,

ert," I said.

"Oh. You mean, she called you to her home to question
i about you and me?"
"Yes."

He blew a low whistle through his closed lips.
"I'm sorry, Laura. I guess I really messed things up but I
Idn't help myself. I had to tell you how I felt and you
ildn't talk to me. . . ."

"Don't blame yourself, Robert. Cary knows he was
I said, grinding the tears out of my eyes and
ching my breath. "It's just that Grandma Olivia is the


head of our family and site coufd mate things Aaztf* everyone."	2
"What does she want? Should I go to see her? Maybe--"
"Oh no, Robert. Never. Don't even talk about it," I:
and he saw the terror in my eyes. He nodded.
"Well, what should I do?"
"There's nothing to do at the moment," I said.
"Except..."
"Except what, Laura?"
"Except stay away from each other for a while. At least,
until things calm down," I added quickly. He stared at me a
moment and then shook his head.
"What's a while?"

"A while," I said, shrugging. "We've got our finals to
think about anyway."
"You think I care about my finals now?"
"You have to, Robert. You want to go to college. If you
did poorly because of me, I would feel ten times worse."
He plucked a blade of grass and put it between his teeth.
"I'm keeping you from eating lunch," I said, trying to
jofce. "You must be hungry. You're eating grass."

He stopped chewing and smiled. Then he shook his head
slowly.

"I don't think you understand how much I love you,
Laura. It's easy to say we should keep away from each other
for a while, but it's nearly impossible for me to do. I'm
going to camp out near your house and hope for a glimpse
of you f very night."
"Robert--"

"Seeing you in school will be like torture. What am I
supposed to do, stay away from you here, too?"
My lips started to tremble, my chin quivering.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm doing it again. I'm thinking ; only of myself and putting you in a difficult position." He
stood. "All right, I'll try to cool it, as they say. For a while,"
he added. "But Laura Logan, you mark my words. You wal \ be my wife someday. You will be the woman I live with


r^ac/<?mr ^Kf 00 pomsrfii/^saaSoKMAea; 00 &fwve
brother, no one can stop it from happening." $*\ nodded, pressing my lips together and swallowing the
in my throat. Robert smiled one last time before he
and walked back into the school, his shoulders
aped, his heart as dark and as broken as my own.

Each succeeding day without Robert, without his smiles,
Without hearing his voice, receiving his phone calls, was a
day of gloom. The sun might as well have kept its face
behind a wall of storm clouds, as far as I was concerned. I
did my chores, I studied and helped May with her work, but
I know when I moved about, I resembled a zombie, a robot
without a heart or soul. When I had time to be alone, I
walked off and sat on the beach and watched the waves
comb the sand, gently rolling over each other, beckoning.
Sometimes I went down to the edge of the tide and walked
barefoot through the foam. The terns followed me, circling,
calling, gazing with curiosity at my sad, forlorn figure alone
on a vast sea of sand.

Often I caught Cary watching me from afar, afraid to
speak or to approach, distant, a sad figure himself, looking
just as lost. He was struggling within himself to find a way to
make me happy, to apologize, to win my forgiveness. I kept
telling myself that I had to forgive him, that Grandma
Olivia had forced him to talk, but that small voice inside me
wondered if Cary hadn't told Grandma Olivia so that he
could have me all to himself.

Mommy continued to ask questions about my health and
even Daddy began to scrutinize me more closely. I blamed
it on my studying.

The following weekend we all went to Grandpa Samuel's

birthday celebration. It was an elegant party, a clam bake

with two bars set up, one at each end of the grounds. There

was a large blue and white tent under which tables were set

: up with linen tablecloths. Grandma Olivia despised the use

I of plastic plates and forks, so everything was served on real

-china and with real silverware. A small army of waiters and


waitresses, servers and kitchen helpers was hired to heJp|,
that evening. There were over a hundred and fifty guests,
wealthy businessmen, politicians, their families, and,
course, the best families from the Cape. People attem
from as far away as Boston and Hartford, Connecticut

A string quartet was set up in the gazebo and played ai|
afternoon, culminating with everyone singing "Happy
Birthday" to Grandpa Samuel. It was really one of Grand*s
ma Olivia's best parties, but I was still in no mood to of
happy about anything. Late in the day, she pulled me aside,

"Apparently," she said, "you are following my advice.
That's good, Laura. That's good for everyone," she added..

Before I could utter a reply, she called to one of her guests*
and went off arm in arm, leaving me feeling a little more,
empty inside. When I turned, I saw Gary was staring at me.
I walked away and started toward the dock.

"What did she say?" I heard Gary ask and turned to see^
he had followed me.

"She said she was happy to see I had followed her advice
and that it was good for everyone," I told him.	'

He shook his head.

"Fm sorry, Laura," he said for the hundredth time.

I folded my arms and looked at the sea.

"She has no right to run our lives," he continued. "I can
see you're going to get sick from unhappiness," he added ia
an angry tone.

"I wont get sick," I said defiantly.

"You're as pale as driftwood," he remarked. "Look," he? said, stepping closer, "there's nothing wrong with my being
friends with Robert, is there?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Nothing, except I was teaching him how to sail, wasn't I?
So, I'll just invite him over to go sailing tomorrow and you.
and he can--"

"Can what, Cary?" I asked, my heart starting to beat with
the possibilities.

"Go sailing yourselves."	>

"You would do this for me?'v	.,


ifeah, I would," he said, looking away.
"You'll get into trouble with Grandma Olivia, Cary."
^Tm not afraid of that," he said boldly.

: then the wind picked up and whipped the strands of
around my face. Someone shouted and we looked
: to see a flower display topple.
fe**Uh-oh, some poor slob is about to be bawled out for not
; that up properly," Cary said and laughed. "Grand,
Olivia might take away his breathing rights."
M couldn't help but laugh, too.

jjf^That's more like it, Laura. Remember when I told you
your smile lights up the day?" he said shyly, breaking
Tin embarrassment. "Don't worry, I'll call him later. And
time, she won't get anything out of me either," he

ed.

'And suddenly, the sun did peek out from behind a cloud
I the warm rays washed over me, making me feel reborn.


That night I dared a phone call to Robert. Cary had

3y called and invited him.
"I was going to call you," he said. "Gary's invitation was
a surprise, I didn't know what to make of it. What's
;;on? Why the change of heart? One day he comes at me
s he's my biggest enemy and the next. .."
"He's so sorry for what he's done, he's trying to make it
i to me, to both of us," I said.

"Actually, I don't care what his reasons are. I'm going to
ad the day with you. That's all that matters, Laura. You
at know how sick at heart I've been these past days," he
aned.

"I do know, because I've been the same way," I said.
"My mother's been asking questions constantly about i. She thinks I did something to drive you away and she
its me to know that if I did, I'm really stupid. She'll let
on me now that she knows I'm going to see you
wnorrow," he said with a laugh.

' It was as if the blood had returned to my body, my heart
beating once again, I caught myself smiling crazily,


and I knew I was walking around with a glow around
face.

I was the first up in the morning, and started to
breakfast for everyone. Mommy was so happy at my disp
of energy, she talked a blue streak as she helped me set
table. Even Daddy looked more relaxed, amused. The on
dark thing he said was we should keep an eye on
weather. He said the sky had the look it usually took
right before we get hit with a nor'easter.

To me the sky looked beautiful. Even the clouds gathering^
on the horizon were welcome to my eyes. The wind was up,|
but Gary thought it was perfect for sailing. He spent part <
the morning with Daddy at the cranberry bog while
prepared our lunches for the picnic on the beach.

"I'm glad you're taking some time off, Laura," Momr
remarked. "You've been working too hard. There's no sense j
in getting sick before you take your finals and end the schoolj
year now, is there?"

"No, Mommy."

"We're very, very proud of you, Laura. Everyone in
family is proud of you. Why, just the other day at the party,,
your grandmother came over to me especially to rema
about how delighted she was to hear about your
plishments at school. She wanted me to be sure to tell;
that, and that she had a special surprise for you."

"And what's that, I wonder?" I asked, keeping my eyes<
the sandwiches I was wrapping.

"Well, W'te not supposed to tell you yet, but Daddy \ she told him she's established a fund in the bank to
care of your entire college needs. That's a lot of mon
Laura. It's nice to know your grandparents care that muc
about you," Mommy added.

"Afoafy*s not the only ivay to show you care for i
Mommy," I said.

"Oh, no, but it sure helps," she said with a light laug
"Just think how that takes the worry out of your father's
brow," she continued. "You know how he's been about i
ups and downs in the business. He's not one to harp on 1


but we've had our share," Mommy assured me.
"Your daddy's very happy that Grandma Olivia thinks so
much of you, too."

I swallowed away the tightness in my throat.

"I'm glad, Mommy," I said and hurried to pack the food
in the basket.

I had wanted this to be an extra-special day. I had put my
hair up, then down, then up again and tried on nearly
everything in my closet trying to find the perfect outfit. I
finally chose a pair of heather-gray shorts and a white tank
top, a pair of sneakers with no socks, and just for a happy
touch, I wrapped my navy silk scarf around my ponytail. I
felt as light as air and floated up and down the stairs all
morning until it was time to go.

Robert arrived just after Gary had returned from the bog.
We all met outside. May had the smaller basket cradled in
her arms.

"Well, thanks a lot for inviting me," Robert told Cary. "It
looks like a perfect day for this, huh?"

Cary studied the weather a moment and nodded cautiously.
"As long as we come in before late afternoon. The wind's
picking up a bit and it will be a good ride," he said. "But
you're an expert now," he added with a note of challenge.

"Well, I haven't forgotten what I learned, if that's what
you mean."

"Laura knows enough to be a judge of that," Cary said.

"Well, let's get going then," I said, impatient and worried
that too many words would stir up old wounds.

"I'll carry that," Robert said; taking the bigger basket
from me.

We walked down the beach, Robert and I glancing longingly
at each other as Cary led the way,

"You want to test me?" Robert asked Cary when we
reached the sailboat. "Go ahead, ask me anything," he
challenged.

"The only real test is the test the ocean gives," Cary
replied coolly.


Robert laughed nervously, his eyes flitting from me to the
boat and then to Gary.

"Laura, why don't you take May to Logan's Cove while
Captain Robert and I bring the sailboat over," Cary suggested.

"Okay. Be careful," I said to Robert and took May's
hand. We had the blanket out and were sitting and organizing
our picnic lunch when the sailboat appeared around the
bend. Robert was doing all the work. The boat bounced
hard on the waves and then straightened and turned toward
us, the sea spray shooting up around it as it headed toward
the shore.

"It's wonderful!" Robert cried. "Invigorating. Much
more exciting than it was the last time, Laura."

"I can see that. How did he do, Cary?"

Cary busied himself with beaching the sailboat and then
turned.

"Fine," he said. He gazed at the sky. The small dots of
clouds had grown fatter and toward the south we could see
longer strands of white. "But I think you two should go out
right after lunch and if it gets too rough, head right back,"
be said.

"Boy, just that little bit worked up my appetite," Robert
followed.

' I was too excited to be hungry. Cary didn't eat very much
either. He sat pensive, staring out at the ocean. Robert
talked about the Sea Marina, how successful their first few
weekends had been, and how they were close to being fully
booked for Jury. Cary made little comment. I never saw him
so deep in thought. He looked nervous, too, stealing glances
at me and then quickly gazing back at the sea or down the
beach. Finally, he stood.

"I think May and I will go looking for seashells while you
two do some sailing," he said. "Keep your eyes on the sky,
Laura," he added and signed to May, who rose quickly to
take his hand. The two of them started down the beach.

"Well," Robert said with a sigh, "we're finally alone for'! the first time in a century. At least that's the way it feels to *


me," he said. "Ready for your maiden voyage with Captain
Blood?" he asked, shooting to his feet and reaching for my
hand. "M'lady?"

I laughed and let him pull me up. Then I took off my
sneakers and threw them into the sailboat. I gazed down the
beach at Gary and May, who were already some distance
away. Gary looked like he was watching us and then turned
back to help May hunt for interesting shells. Robert helped
me into the sailboat and pushed off, jumping in quickly and
taking hold of the rope.

"Let's sail all the way to China," he yelled into the wind.

The sea spray felt good on my arms and my face. More
gracefully than I had anticipated, Robert took us out and
filled the sail with wind.

"Not bad, huh? I guess the sea is in my blood after all,
thanks to you," he said.

I sat with my back against him and screamed at the
'bouncing we endured until we got farther and farther out
and the water calmed.

"The last time I went out with Gary, I saw another cove,"
Robert said. "It looked very private, too," he added. "Why
: don't we find it and call it Laura's Cove," he whispered.

He kissed my hair and my forehead and I turned and
reached up to meet his lips with mine. The sailboat twisted
ftod we both screamed.

"I better keep my mind on the business at hand," Robert
|*aid.

"Just let out a little line, Robert, and she won't spill us
Mnto the sea."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

We sailed on, the wind whipping the sail, the bow cutting
> the waves. We were going at a good clip and as we made I turn around another bend of shore the wind died a bit
the ride became slower, smoother. Robert grew more

onfident.

|; "This isn't as hard as everyone makes it out to be," he
ed.

"Don't get too arrogant, Robert," I warned. "It takes a


151


while to become as good a sailor as Cary. Gary says the sea
doesn't easily forgive mistakes, either."

"I know, but I do have a flair for it, don't I, Laura?" he
asked, fishing for a compliment. "Well? Don't I?"

"Yes, yes." I laughed. We kissed again and sailed on.
Finally, I felt relaxed and happy.

Perhaps all of our lives will be like this now, I thought.
We'll round another bend and find sunshine and happiness.
With the wind in my hair and Robert's arms around me as
our sailboat sliced through the water, it was easy to believe
in fairy tales. Gary and I had grown up with faith in the
magic of the ocean. Who could blame me for wanting
Robert to share it as well?

Who would ever blame me as much as I would soon
blame myself?


9 go

Swept Away


For a long time, I had no memory of that fateful afternoon.
My mind locked it in a dark closet and threw away the key.
As hard as it is to believe, I even forgot Robert's name.

I was lying comfortably in his arms as he turned the
sailboat toward the shore. The cove was small, with just a
patch of beach, really, but he had discovered it and claimed
it as our special place. When we drew closer, I sat up. The
wind had grown a bit stronger and the clouds flowing in
from the south now looked a bit darker and thicker. I should
have said, "Let's go back, Robert," right then and there, but
I didn't. I, too, was hungry for love and I, too, was titillated
by the prospect of our own private little world.

Robert leaped out of the sailboat and guided it onto the
shore. Then he reached for my hand and I stepped out. He
found a piece of driftwood nearby and planted it in the
sand. Then he tied his handkerchief around it so it flapped
in the wind like a flag.

"I claim this beach for Laura Logan and hereby name it
Laura's Cove," he said, standing proud and strong like some
historic explorer.

I laughed and clapped my hands. He took a sweeping bow


and I laughed again. Everything made me laugh that afternoon.
All of it, the air, the freedom, the renewal of love and
promises had made me giddy. I was drunk on dreams.

"We have to christen our piece of paradise," he declared
and stepped up to me.

He embraced me and kissed me full on the lips. The wind
whipped my hair and the sea spray felt cool and refreshing on my arms and neck.

"I missed you," he said. "Oh, how I missed you. I kissed ;
you a thousand times in my mind, Laura. I held you every
chance I could get."

He kissed me softly on the tip of my nose and then my <
chin before we joined our lips again. After that, he reached <
into the sailboat and pulled out the blanket. He spread it!
out and we embraced and lowered ourselves onto the sand. I toy back against his chest.

"We can't stay long, Robert," I remember saying. "Cary i

ndMay--"

^'1 know," Robert replied and stroked my hair, running his
palm over my cheek as if he were blind and committing.
every feature of my face to his memory forever and ever. I
wanted him. Oh, how much I wanted him.
He sensed my desire and began to kiss me on my neck.
His hands moved to my waist and he gently pushed up my '
tank top. In moments we were both nearly undressed,

unbracing, clinging to each other as if the whole world had
become water and we were floating on the surface.

"I will not let anyone take you from me," he whispered,
"even for a short time."

His words filled my heart and drove away all the doubts
about our love, about myself, about what and who we were, Yes, I heard myself begin somewhere deep down inside my
very soul, yes, yes, yes.

Our kisses were long and hard and hungry, the kisses of
two loving people who had been locked away from that love
for too long. I don't even remember how we became totally
naked, but we were, and without hesitation, almost without \


)ing a beat, we were making love, throwing all caution

* to the wind that whirled around us.
K It began with a maddening rush and then slowed to an

endulating rhythm that took me up and down, to heights
laad ecstasy and moments of quiet when I could catch my
Ifeeath; but soon the hunger for another taste of ecstasy
ffc&wrpowered me and I tightened my embrace around him,
holding him, refusing to permit it to end,
I remember hearing his small laugh of delight and seeing
face, his eyes full of so much love and pleasure. I told
ayself what we were doing couldn't be anything but good
hfad beautiful. He smothered me in kisses; he chanted my
14ame; he quieted my small cries and held me as tightly as I
Ifceld him. We rode on each other's passion until we were I exhausted.

slid off me and lay beside me, his face against the
et, but his eyes on me. I turned and looked into his
yes, into his beautiful smile of contentment.
"I love you, Laura," he said.
"I love you, too, Robert."

He put his arm over my shoulder, lay his palm against my
|naked back and closed the distance between us. We lay
Itnere, quietly, our eyelids fluttering, suddenly feeling heavy.
«.fye both decided to just rest for a little while, and then, like
some magic spell, sleep washed over us and we both drifted.
I was the first to wake up. The wind had picked up
considerably, spitting sand and water over us. I turned
quickly and when I looked up, I saw only low, dark clouds
whirling toward us. Seconds later, I felt the raindrops, but
the worst and most terrifying sight was the sailboat drifting
away. In our haste, we hadn't beached it securely. It was a
_good ten to fifteen feet from the shore already.
"Robert!" I screamed.
He opened his eyes and sat up quickly.
"Oh, no. The boat."

f "We have to get it before it gets washed out too far!" I
f^ried. He leaped to his feet and dove into the water,


swimming as hard as he could to the boat. The waves were
already at least two feet high. He struggled and reached the
side of the sailboat, heaving himself up and over. The sail
was flapping hard, the small mast swinging from right to
left. Robert struggled to get a good hold on the line, but
when he tightened the sail against the wind, the small boat
began to turn over and he didn't let go fast enough. It looked
like it jumped out of the water, spilling him into the ocean
as it capsized.
"ROBERT!"

I was a good swimmer, but not strong enough to battle
those waves for very long. It took a monster effort, nearly
exhausting me, but I managed to reach the boat quickly. I
grabbed hold of the boat and called to Robert again. He
surfaced on the other side of the boat, looking dazed. It
wasn't until he swam toward me that I saw why. When he
had tumbled into the sea with the boat following after him,
some part of it had struck him on the head. A thin, but
steady stream of blood trickled from under his hair, down
his temple, and over his cheek.

"Robert, you're hurt!" I cried. He nodded, but he still
looked confused.

We bobbed with the boat as the waves grew higher,
stronger. The wind was intensifying, too, and the rain had
become stingingly sharp and cold. I looked back at the
shore. All our clothing, the blanket, everything was being
washed by the tide and slowly sucked into the sea. The
shock of it all happening so quickly panicked me. I struggled
with the boat in a vain and fruitless attempt to right it.
Robert was just bobbing, holding on to the side, either
unsure of how to right the boat or so confused he hadn't
even thought to try.

"Climb over the hull, Robert, and start to pull the boat
upright. Climb!" I cried. "Robert, do it now. We're being
swept out farther and farther with every roll of the waves."
Finally, he seemed to understand. He pulled himself up} and reached for the side of the boat, using his weight to turn
it upright. He didn't weigh enough and wasn't strong


' enough, so I joined him as quickly as I could and both of us
pulled desperately as the wind whipped against our backs
like a cold, wet rope and the rain became a torrential
downpour, blinding us.

More desperate, frantic, realizing the danger fully, we
gave it all our might and the boat began to turn over. Robert
was too excited by our small success and jerked wildly at the
hull.

"Just let it turn, Robert," I screamed, but he continued
leaping up and down, pulling and grunting, defeating his
own efforts.

Finally, the mast came up, the wet sail came out of the

water. We were doing fine. We would get it upright, I

thought. We'll be all right. Then, another heavy, fierce gust

of wind lashed at us and I lost my grip, sliding back into the

sea. The boat began to turn over again and Robert lunged

. With all his strength to prevent it from happening. I saw him

I fiy over with the boat and disappear on the other side. We

< %rere at least another twenty feet from shore by now. The

tain was falling so hard, I could barely make out the tiny

.patch of beach.

"Robert!" I called when I didn't see him. "Robert, where
fare you? Robert!"

He didn't respond and he didn't swim back to me. I kept
my grip on the hull and fought my way around the boat. At \ first I didn't see him, and then I saw his head, just under the
; surface, his hand floating toward the mast. I moved as
.quickly as I could, taking hold of the mast and then his
band, pulling with all my might until his head appeared. His feyes were glassy, dazed. There was a wider, faster stream of
* blood now on his temple and cheek. I thought he mouthed
my name and smiled, but it was hard to see clearly with the
i salt water burning my eyes and the rain pounding my face.
I held on to him. He seemed incapable of moving on his
I ©wn. His right arm never came out of the water and his head
I Slowly lowered to his shoulder as his eyes closed.

"ROBERT!"
^* I tried pulling him closer, but I was losing my grip on the


mast. The water had made it slippery and difficult to ho
If I didn't let go of Robert's hand soon, I might lose my |
completely and get washed out to sea with him, I thou
My shoulders ached, my neck muscles screamed, and
hand felt as if it were being torn off my wrist.

"Oh, Robert, wake up. Help us. Robert!"

He bobbed with the waves that took us up and dowttj
When I turned and looked back, I saw we were out of sig
of the shore. The ocean was sweeping us away.

I remember thinking about Gary, expecting him to ap|
pear any moment in another boat, flying over the waves»f
coming to our rescue. He would be angry, but very, very|
worried. He would scoop us both out of the sea and wrap usj
in warm blankets and get us home.

"Please hurry, Cary," I moaned. "Please."

I held on to the mast and on to Robert's hand, but the J
weight of his body was pulling on my wrist and arm. His angers lost their grip on mine and he started to slip away.

"Robert. Oh, Robert, wake up!" I pleaded. I thought!
about shaking his arm, but I was afraid the motion might
cause me to lose the tenuous grip I still held on the mast ,

The ocean water hit my face while I was calling to him
and I swallowed too much. I gagged, coughed, choked, and felt myself losing my grip on Robert and I struggled to hold
on to him. I couldn't let him go.	1
- New England weather, I thought, famous for its quick*
changes. I should have known. I should have known better.
It's my fault, my fault.

The ocean was relentless. It would not be denied its
sacrifice. I made a desperate last effort to hold on to Robert;
and the mast and then I felt his fingers slide down over my
palm. His body lifted in the waves as if he were rising up to
say his last good-bye, and then he went under.

I yelled his name as hard and as long as I could. I started
to let go of the mast to search for him, but my own
desperation to survive wouldn't permit my fingers to loosen j
their grip. I know I screamed and shouted his name until;
my voice gave out, my throat ached, and then I closed my|


and turned to put my other hand around the mast,
tied myself closer to it and laid my cheek against the cola
tal. The boat continued to bob, to rise and fall in th«

I and the rain.

A deep and thick darkness fell over me. Even when 11
I my eyes, I saw nothing. The last thing I thought was
[ly in light of what was happening and what had hap
I fened. I moaned and cried, "I lost that beautiful silk scarf! r Mommy gave me. I'm sorry, Mommy," I cried.

My body shook as much with my own sobs as it did fromi
. the cold water and the freezing rain. I lay there with myi head resting against the mast and felt the hull on my left:
side. It was reassuring. I remember thinking, I'll just sleep at
moment and then, the storm will stop.
The magic will return.
The sun will warm us.

We'll laugh again and make promises to each other again.
Won't we?

We? I couldn't remember his name. I could see his face,
see his smile, even hear his voice, but who was he?
And then, the worst terror of all struck me.
Who am I?

I have put together what happened next, working over

time on the events, the vague memories, the words I had

f heard as if it were all part of some grand thousand-piece

puzzle. Some of it was told to me later on, but I always had

to measure what I remembered against what I was told.

The storm continued to build that afternoon, preventing

any real search for us. The wind and the waves carried the

overturned sailboat farther out to sea. A fisherman by the

name of Karl Hansen was fighting his way back to shore. He

had worked for Grandpa Samuel and Grandma Olivia for

years, but was pretty much retired now, only venturing out

, now and again with his own net. He saw the overturned

i sailboat and drew close enough to spot me clinging desper

I ately to the mast. He began to shout. I remember first

f thinking the wind had found a voice. I thought it was part of

f the magic and just listened with a small smile on my face,


my eyes closed as he called and called. Then I felt something
hit my shoulder and I opened my eyes to see a man tossing a
net my way as his boat bobbed in the rough seas.

"Take hold. Wrap it around you," he ordered, yelling
through his cupped hands. "Take hold!"

He threw the net again and again. Each time, I looked at it
bat didn't move. I couldn't let go of the mast. My hands had
locked around it, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't
will my hands to reach out for the net he threw.
^ffaaHy, Mr. Hansen brought his boat closer until he was
Ifile to leap into the sea. He had a thick rope tied to his
TOist and when he reached me, he quickly untied himself
tad wound the rope around me.

"You've got to let go," he said. "Don't worry. I'll get you
on my boat.'*

He was a short, stout man with a full gray beard and gray
ffite I should have recognized him, but I didn't. He
recognized me.

"* **Lanra Logan?" he cried. "Mrs. Logan's granddaughter.
Sweet Mary and Joseph. Let go of the mast when I tell you,

*W"

I remember I screamed and screamed and tried to resist
sk effort to pull me away from the mast, then finally he got

pounds $e and swam back to his boat, towing me along behind


The wind was furious; the rain unrelenting. The struggle ips getting to be too much for him. His own boat was in\ danger. I'm sure he questioned whether he could continue; the effort, but continue he did. Finally, we reached the boat
and Mr. Hansen was able to lift me up quickly and swing, me on board.

I was naked and freezing, my teeth chattering so hard, 11
thought they would shatter against each other. The waves l
were tossing Mr. Hansen's boat mercilessly. He had to get|
back to controlling the roll. He found a blanket and threw it]
over me first and then he attended to the boat. We went!
farther out until he found enough calm water to give him af


chance to tend to me. He returned and helped me into the
cabin, where he set me on a small cushioned bench.

"What happened to you, girl? How did you get caught out
here? Was your brother with you?"

Brother? I thought. I have a brother?

I didn't respond. I lay there, going in and out of consciousness.
I don't remember how long it took for us to
reach shore, but he made a tactical navigation decision and
brought us to Grandpa Samuel and Grandma Olivia's dock.
The wind had let up some and the rain had slowed.

The next thing I knew, Mr. Hansen was running for help.
He returned to get me up and out of the boat, and then
literally carried me into the house. A small, angry woman
greeted us and directed him to bring me to a guest room
downstairs, where he set me gently on the bed. The elderly
lady stood behind him, waiting. I didn't know who she was
then. All I saw was her face of rage as she glared down at me.
It all seemed to be happening to someone else. It was as if I
were watching a movie.

"Where did you find her?" I heard her ask.

"She was clinging to an overturned sailboat about a mile
and a half off Dead Man's Cove," he replied. "Those things
are too small for weather only half as bad as this."

"You found her by herself, then?"

"Yes, ma'am. I hope her brother wasn't out there with
her," he said. "No one could survive that," he added.

"It wasn't her brother," she said. "She was naked when
i you found her?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Disgusting," she muttered.

I was still so cold I couldn't move my arms or legs. I lay
^curled up in a ball, breathing heavily, my body shuddering.
'She drew closer.

"What were you doing out there, girl?" she demanded,
tig at me with cold eyes of steel.

I couldn't talk; I couldn't even shake my head.


"Something sinful, just as I predicted," she concluded,
nodding.

"I'll get a search party up after this dies down," Karl
Hansen said.

The old woman spun around.

"You'll do nothing of the kind, Karl," she snapped at
him. "You won't mention a word of this."

"But... surely, there was someone else on that boat,
Mrs. Logan."

"I know there was someone else. I'm sure he was naked,
too," she added disdainfully. "It's not something I want
anyone else to know," she said, nodding at me. "The both
of them were caught in some sinful act."
"What sinful act?" I wanted to say, but I couldn't.
She turned back to him. I saw the look of surprise and
confusion on his face, but I didn't understand why. I didn't
know where I was and I had forgotten how I had gotten
there. All I knew was I was very cold and no one seemed to
be paying much attention to that.

"You never found her, Karl," she told him. "I need your
word on that."
"Pardon, Mrs. Logan?"

M\ou never found her," she said firmly. "Leave it all to
me now."

"But Mrs. Logan--"

"You will be handsomely rewarded for your loyalty to me,
Karl. I know your wife is sick and you have been having a
hard time making ends meet. You won't have to worry at all
about her doctor bills anymore or anything else for that
matter. As long as I can rely on your word," she added.

He gazed at me and then at the small, angry woman he
called Mrs. Logan.

"Well. I suppose there's nothing more to do about this,
really. You'll see to her and whoever else was out there.
Well, God rest his poor soul," Karl Hansen said. "I'm sure
he didn't survive. There's nothing we could do anyway
except locate the body and there's no rush to do that."
"Exactly. Now remember, Karl, you never found her. You


just made your own way toward shore and got washed up
here. It was hard enough for you."

"Yes, it was, ma'am. That it was. There's no lying about
ffaat."

"Precisely," she said. "Raymond will see that you get
home and I will have something for you in the morning. I'll
also see that Ruth gets the personal nursing care she
requires."

"Well, thank you, Mrs. Logan. That's very kind."
"As long as we understand each other, Karl," she added,
er small eyes very cold and threatening. He nodded
quickly.

"Oh, absolutely, Mrs. Logan. Absolutely."
"Good," she said and turned back to me. "Good."
She escorted him out and then returned a few minutes
later. She simply stood there, gazing down at me.

"How could you do this?" she demanded. "How could
i you deliberately lie and deceive me and do this?"
My teeth chattered and I moaned.
"Don't you have even the slightest concern for this
family? Do you know what kind of a disgrace this could
; bring? Why, they might even put this in the newspapers. ' People from outside of Provincetown, friends, acquaintances
from everywhere could learn of it. Well? Don't you
[have anything to say?"
"I'm cold," I finally said.

"Cold? That's the least of your problems. Fortunately,
I Mr. Hansen won't tell anyone a thing, but... don't you \ hear a word of what I'm saying to you?" she snapped.

"You're staring at me as if I were sneaking Greek. And wipe
* that silly smile off your face," she ordered. "I won't have

lit:'

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm not smiling. I'm just cold. My
t hair is soaked," I said. I started to rub the blanket up and
I down my arms and legs.

"I'm sure you are sorry now. Although it does us no good
|tohave you say it," she said and wagged her head. "How did
|tiiis happen?"


"What?" I asked.

"What? Are you an idiot? This!" she exclaimed, thrusting
her hands toward me. "You've lived here long enough to
know when to come in from a storm and when to be
cautious. What were you doing out there? Were you so
wrapped up in your lust that you ignored the weather?
Well?"

"Out where?"

"In the ocean, you fool. What is wrong with you?"
.Then I remember giggling. I couldn't help it. She was a
funny little old lady to me. Her hair was held tightly back
with pearl combs and she wore a flower print dress with a
rope of pearls around her neck. When she got excited, the
, blood under her skin rose up her neck like mercury in a
feermometer, and she seemed to bounce on her feet after
every sentence.
^"Iftnt think this is funny?" she asked, astounded.
I shook my head.

*"- *'What happened to him?" she asked.
^*T0#ho?" I responded.

<_ 'She stopped being angry for a moment and stared intently
at me.

ft1Don't you remember anything?"
i/.-I shook my head.

**V&u know where you are, don't you?"
Again, I shook my head.

. She Wared and then tilted her head a little as she thought.
i» ?Wiiat*« my name?" she suddenly asked.
f"That man called you Mrs. Logan," I said. "Isn't that
yoarname?"

' "My God." She covered her mouth and stared at me.
Then she lowered her hand slowly. "What's your name?"

I thought, but no name came to mind.
, "I don't know."

She stepped back as if I had some contagious disease and
Stared at me again.

"Madness on top of disgrace. It's happening again. First,
to my sister, and now to you, and I'm supposed to bear the


burden, face the community, hold on to my prestige and
position, and keep this family name as respected as it once
was, as it should be?"

She paused and then raised her small fist toward the
ceiling as if she were threatening God.

"This will not happen," she declared. Then she turned
back to me. "Don't you move from that bed," she ordered.

I didn't think I could move. I had just barely managed to
straighten my legs.

Minutes later, she returned with an armful of big, fluffy
towels and then went into the bathroom. I heard her run
water in the tub. She was moving quickly, and she looked
like a goblin to me and I couldn't help smiling again. It
made her angry when she emerged from the bathroom and
saw the smile on my face.

"Get up," she ordered. "I'll handle this myself. Go on, get
up!"

I swung my legs out slowly, the muscles in my thighs
screaming, and when I pushed to sit up, I felt my shoulder
stinging. The blanket fell away. I looked at my arm. Blood
vessels had burst all along it, so that there were black and
blue marks from the inside of my wrist, up over my elbow,
right to my shoulder. Even she gasped.

"Everything hurts," I complained.

"And rightly so," she said, regaining her regal, stern
demeanor. "Stand up and walk into the bathroom. Go on. I
don't have the strength to lift you," she added, her hands on
her hips. I realized she had put on a light blue housecoat
over her dress. I tried to stand, but my legs wobbled.

"I can't," I moaned.

"You can and you will. Stand!" she ordered. She reached
forward and seized the top of my hair, tugging me hard.

I screamed. The breath nearly left me, but I rose. I
reached out to brace myself on her shoulder. She stepped
back and at least gave me her hand.

"I can't carry you. Walk," she commanded.

Each step was excruciating. My back, my legs, even my
feet ached. I made my way toward the sound of the running


water, reaching out to steady myself against the doorjamb,
and then I entered the bathroom. She moved ahead and
shut off the water.

"Get into the tub and soak yourself. Go on. Do what I say
and do it now," she ordered again.

I don't know how I did it, but I reached the tub and lifted
my leg to step into the water. It was so hot, however, I
howled and pulled my foot out quickly, losing my balance. I
fell back and sat hard on the floor.
"You're disgusting," she cried.
"It's too hot," I moaned.

"It has to be hot, you fool. Now get up and get into the
water. Goon. Do it." She hovered over me. "If you don't,
you'll surely get pneumonia."

I got to my knees and crawled to the tub. Then I took a
deep breath and rose to put my foot in again. It took the
breath out of me and I grew so dizzy, I thought I would
feint. She put her hands on my hips and held me steady,
permitting me to rest against her for a moment.

"AH right, now tower yourself into the water. Just do it
quickly," she commanded.

I took a deep breath and did so, crying out as I settled into
the steamy liquid. My body began to itch and then tingle. I
kept taking deep breaths. Finally, I grew more comfortable
wid then it did suddenly make me feel better. I closed my
eyes.

Suddenly I felt something being poured over my head.
"You have to wash out the salt," she said. She scooped
water onto my hair, scrubbed it, and then forced me to
lower myself until I was under the water so I could rinse my
hair. She kept me down so long, I thought she wanted to
drown me in the tub. I came up gasping.
"Just lie there and soak," she said and left the bathroom.
I'm sure I fell asleep for a few minutes. Then I sensed her
nearby again. She had returned and stood above me,
looking down at me with an expression of utter disgust.

"Well?" she demanded. "Do you know who you are
now?"


I thought and thought. Then I shook my head.

"I don't know," I wailed. "Who am I?"

"You're a fool and I don't suffer fools in this family
anymore," she declared. She sighed deeply. "Who am I?"

I tried to remember. I had even forgotten what that man
had called her before.

"I don't remember what that man called you," I moaned.

"What, has your brain turned to cranberry jelly?" she
asked.

"Cranberries? I remember cranberries."

"Well, I'm glad about that. What else do you remember?
Do you have any family, friends?"

I thought and just found a blank, dark place in my mind
with no faces, no words, no voices. I shook my head.

"I don't know," I said.

She stared.

"Maybe you don't. Maybe . . . this is a blessing in disguise.
Yes," she said, her face lighting up and her eyes
widening, "it is."

She left again and for what seemed like quite a long time.
When she returned this time, she had a white terry cloth
robe in her hands.

"Get out. Dry yourself off and put this on," she said.
"Someone will be here for you soon."

"Someone?"

Good, I thought. There was someone. Surely, I would
remember everything soon. I crawled up and out of the tub
with great effort My body was beyond exhaustion, the
muscles working on their own memory and not my commands.
It seemed to take me fotever to dry myself. She grew
impatient.

"For God's sake," she said and seized one of the towels.
She began to rub me vigorously. I felt as if she would peel
away my skin. My every movement was still filled with pain
and I ached everywhere.

"There," she said. "Now put on the robe and return to
that bed," she instructed.

I did what she said. The moment my head hit the pillow


and I closed my eyes, I fell asleep. I woke when I heard
voices near and above me. My eyelids refused to stay open
at first and then, with stubborn effort, I did get them to do
so.

Coming into focus was a tall woman in a starched white
uniform. She stood next to the small elderly lady. The
woman in white scrutinized me a moment and then made a
small, tight smile.

"Hello. My name is Clara. What's your name?" she asked
and took my wrist into her fingers to feel for my pulse.

"My name's ... My name's ... I can't remember!" I
cried.

The woman looked at the elderly woman and then back at
me.

"Do you know whose home you are in?"

1 shook my head.

"How old are you?"

"I don't know."

"How did you get here?" she followed quickly.

"I don't remember. Where am I?"

"Are you home?"

"Am I?"

"See?" the elderly lady said.

"Yes. It's classic, I think," the woman in white said. "Her
pulse is strong."

"It's not her pulse I'm worried about," the small elderly
lady said.

Clara nodded.

- "\bu understand what I want and how I want it done,"
the elderly lady said.

"Precisely. You have made the appropriate phone calls, I
imagine?"

"Of course," the elderly lady said. "It's all arranged. I'm
reiving on your discretion. You will be rewarded," she
added.

Clara smiled. "You won't be disappointed."

"Good."


Clara turned back to me.

"I'm going to help you now," she said, "but I need you to
help yourself, too. Okay?"

"Yes," I said.

"Good. I want you to get up and walk with me. We're
going to get into a car outside. I'm going to take you to a
nice place, okay?"

"Okay," I said. I raised myself up on my elbows and Clara
reached under my left arm and helped me get out of bed.
When I stood up, I felt terribly stiff and said so.

"That's all right," Clara said. "You won't be stiff too
much longer. I'll help you," she said. She smiled. She had a
nice, friendly smile, a much nicer smile than the elderly
lady could ever have, I thought. I was glad to be leaving.

The elderly lady followed behind us as we continued out
of the room, down a long corridor to the front doors of the
house. I remember thinking it was a big house and there
were things about it that looked familiar, but I didn't
remember coming here. The elderly lady walked ahead of us
and opened the door.

It was still lightly drizzling out, and the cold air hit me
like a slap in the face. I shuddered and Clara wrapped her
arm around my shoulders.

"There, there, now," she said. "We'll be warm soon."

She guided me out and to the dark car that was waiting. I
didn't see the driver. Clara opened the door for me and I
was guided carefully into the rear of the car. Then Clara
stepped back.

"You want to say anything *to her?" Clara asked the
elderly lady.

"No. Tell them I'll be there tomorrow to make the arrangements and give them a check," she said.

"Very good, Mrs. Logan."

I snapped my head around. Mrs. Logan? I remembered
that name, but who was she? She glared at me, her eyes
beady, icy, her mouth pinched tight. I was glad when the
door was closed and she was out of sight.


Clara got in from the other side and sat beside me.

"All right now?" she asked. I nodded. "You'll be fine,"
she said. "Soon, you'll be fine."

I smiled back at her. She nodded at the driver and the car
began to move away from the big house and into the rain,
into the darkness that lay ahead.

I stared for a moment and then spun around and looked
back, but the lights of the house were already gone and the
darkness had closed in behind me. It was as if I had walked
through a door and the door had been shut tight. I wanted
to go back; I wanted to open the door again, but I couldn't
find my way.

"Where are we going?" I asked Clara.

"Someplace else," she replied. "Is that okay?"

I thought for a moment.

"Yes," I said. "It's okay."

I wasn't sure why, but vaguely I realized that yes, yes, it
was better to be someplace else.


10

GO

My Name Is


I fell asleep again in the car and didn't wake until the car hit
a bump and jarred me from my trancelike slumber. It was
very dark outside because an overcast sky kept the moon
and the stars hidden. When I gazed out the window, I saw
only my own reflected face in the glass, the face of someone
so lost and confused, her eyes were filled with question
marks and her lips frozen in a vain struggle to find some
word, some thought to voice.

I turned and looked at the woman in the nurse's uniform
dozing beside me. Her eyelids fluttered as the automobile
jerked and turned, but they didn't open. I gazed at the
back of the driver's head and I wondered who these people
were and where I was going. Should I know? Had I been
told?

I struggled with the questions, but it was as if I had fallen
into an echo chamber because all I could hear were the
questions coming back at me. The answers were like schools
of fish swimming in the opposite direction, far, far out of
reach and uninterested in turning back. I could only watch
them disappear, their scales glimmering for a moment and
then gone, perhaps forever.


My body was sore, yet I couldn't remember why that was
either. It hurt to straighten out my arms and legs and the
bade of my neck felt as if someone with powerful fingers had
grabbed it and squeezed for hours. My eyes ached even
when I kept them closed. I groaned and twisted to make
myself more comfortable and the woman beside me woke
with a quick jerk of her shoulders. She looked about,
seemingly confused herself for a moment, and then turned to me and smiled.

"How are you, dear?" she asked. The driver turned a little
bat didn't look back at us.

"I'm sore," I said. "Why am I so sore?"
"Don't you remember anything about what happened to
you, why you are in pain?"

I thought and thought, but it was like opening a book and
finding it had only blank pages. I turned one after another
| saw nothing written on any of them.

|ipook my head, my lips trembling, my tears feeling more

; ashes under my eyelids.

at worry," she said. "It will all come back to you Kiueday." it,^ would be better for her if it don't," the driver


1 be needing none of your comments," she snapped
'. JM&e back of his head. "You're here to drive and nothing
Jp(||&" the added sternly. He cringed as if her words were
fljjtually slaps and then he grunted and drove on silently. g^i-jSttddenly, there were lights ahead cloaked in what looked
j|g& banks of fog. As we drew closer, I strained to make out
the shape of what appeared to be an entryway to an estate. It
. »»* very tall iron gate with a wide, red brick column on

* Mchside. The light came from a large ball lamp atop each jfcfoftgi The driver slowed to a stop at the gate.
>" "One moment, dear," the nurse said, patting me softly on

- Ute knee. She got out of the car.
* The fog twirled about us like smoke. I leaned forward to
watch her poke numbers on a pad built into the side of the


on the right. The iron bars groaned loudly as the
: returned to the car.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"Just relax, dear," she said in reply.
> When the gate was completely opened, we drove through
t began a climb up a winding hill, climbing up out of the
of fog.

>- After the second turn, a five-story, gray brick and wood
loomed above us, rising out of the darkness like
| the bow of a great ship. As we drew closer, it looked like a
'medieval castle because there was a large cupola at the
[ center of the roof. On both ends there were dormers with
[Windows that caught the reflection of the light below cast by
tall pole lamps illuminating the parking lot. Most of the
; windows in the building were dark, but there were some
f dimly lit rooms on the first floor.

When we turned into a parking space, I saw there was a
; cement stairway up to the front entrance. It was really too I dark to see much of the grounds, but I could make out some
: Jarge weeping willow trees to the right. They looked like
- giants with their heads bowed.

"What is this place?" I asked. The sight of it bad stirred ' Ho memory, recent or otherwise.

"It's sort of a hospital," the nurse replied with a small,
but quick smile. The driver snorted. She glared at him a
moment and then turned back to me. "You'll be well looked
after here," she said.
"Is this where I live?" I asked.
"For now," she said.

She got out and came around the car to open my door and
help me out. The driver remained behind, slouching down
and lowering his chin to his chest. The nurse knocked on the
window and he lowered it.

"I'm not going to be that long," she told him, but he
didn't act as if he heard her or cared. She turned back to me.
"Come along, dear."

She led me toward the stairs. There was an iron railing on
the right. I held on to it as we climbed the steps because I


felt a little dizzy. When we reached the front entrance,:
pressed the buzzer and then looked at me and flashed j
another snapshot of a smile.

The doors looked heavy and thick. They were tall and;
wide and had no windows. I leaned back and looked up at:
the roof. I thought I saw a bat fly from one end to the other.;
It was so quiet and the air was very moist and enveloping. I
could practically see the droplets of moisture dancing like :
small fairies around us. Off to the right* a streak of lightning'
sliced through the blackness, and then instantly disappeared.
My stomach felt as if it were filled with broken glass.
I felt so lost, so detached, floating in space, longing for thei
pull of gravity to bring me back to earth, back home, back to j
my name.

We waited and waited. Finally, the door opened and a

tall, lean man with hair that looked like it couldn't decide

whether to be red or blond stood before us. He, too, wore a

^ 'whiteuniform. He looked very sleepy, his eyelids drooping.

-4fe«««ied to be in his twenties and had freckles all over his ;? iJweksand forehead, even on his lips.

^Weren't you expecting us, Billy?" the nurse asked him
paffly.

"What? Yeah. Sorry, Clara," he said. "I fell asleep waiting"
he added dryly.
1 "Wstt now that we're here, we'd like to come in," she said

barpty. He stepped back quickly and we entered.

Nothing looked familiar inside either. It was a large room
with gray-and-blue cotton-covered sofas and chairs. There
were about a half dozen light maple wood tables. Only three
of the small lamps in the large room were turned on, but I
could see that there wasn't much on the walls, just some
paintings of ocean scenes with sailboats and fishing boats
and a few paintings just of colors in rectangular shapes. The
floor was a dark wood with oval area rugs here and there. At
the far end, there was a large fireplace made of fieldstone.

The freckle-faced man she called Billy looked at me for
the first time, his gaze sweeping up from my feet to my face
as if he were measuring me for something to wear. His eyes


aed with a little more interest and alertness when I
: him a friendly smile.

'This is her?" he asked, his voice filled with surprise.

"Of course it is. Who did you think it was, the new Miss

aerica?" Clara quipped. He smirked.

"She looks pretty good. I just thought... Mrs. Miller
] said we should just show her to her room and get her to
| %ed," he concluded once he saw the expression of impa
; tience on Clara's face.

"So let's do it," she said. "I don't have all night to dillydally
with you."

> He turned and started toward the stairway, pausing at the
bottom step.

"She's going to be on the second floor. She can take care
of her own basic needs, right? She looks like she can," he
added, gazing back at me.

"Why don't you leave the diagnosis and treatment to the
doctors and just take us to her quarters. It's late and I'm
tired, too, Billy," Clara replied with more fatigue in her
voice than anger this time.

"I'm just asking," he whined and started up the stairs.
The nurse guided me up. We turned at the landing and went
down a long hallway. The lights above were very bright,
creating a glare off the gray tile floor. Occasionally, the clean
white walls were smudged. Here and there I saw what
looked like squiggly lines made with dark crayons. Suddenly,
I heard someone wailing. Moments later I saw a
woman and a man in white hurry through the corridor.

"That's Sara Richards having another whopper of a
nightmare, I bet," the young man said. "The last time that
happened, she scratched her face so badly they had to cut
her nails back to her knuckles. She's headed for upstairs, for
sure," he predicted.

"Thanks for the cheerful news," Clara said.

What was upstairs? I wondered.

Billy paused at a doorway and reached for a set of keys
hanging on his belt. He rifled through them, chose one, and
opened the door. He switched on the light and we entered.


The first thing I noticed were the bars on the windows.
How odd, I thought, for a hospital. Other than that, the 1
room looked very pleasant. There were pretty blue and
white curtains around the windows and a pretty blue
flowered wallpaper on the walls. The bed was twin size and
looked comfortable. It had a light blue comforter and two
plush pillows with a thick, dark mahogany headboard.
Beside it were two matching nightstands, on the right one of
which was a lamp shaped like a ship lantern in brass. Across
from the bed was a small dresser and to the right of that was
a desk and a chair. There was a cushioned, blue-and-white
patterned chair between the two windows. On the wall
across from the bed was a painting of a garden with lawn
furniture. The word Impressionist came to mind, shooting
out of same dark closet, followed by the face of someone I
should be able to remember. Was it a teacher? A friend?
Family? It was gone too quickly for me to come to any
conclusion. ^ "fea't this nice?" Clara said.

"Tfeah, you know the facilities here are quite good when
yoa consider," Billy said before I could respond,
tr-"Consider what?" Clara asked. He shrugged.
> ^That-most of them don't know where the hell they are
aayway," he said.

"You've got a great attitude, Billy. Mr. Sensitivity him-'', seif."

He laughed.

"I just call it like it is," he said.
^Spate me," Clara told him and he laughed again.

-», Clara crossed the room and opened the closet. There was
what looked like a hospital worker's powder blue uniform
tiangling on a hanger and a pair of white terry cloth slippers
beneath it. Other than that, the closet was empty.

"All right," she said to Billy, "I'll settle her in."

"What about the paperwork?" he asked.

' "I'll be down in a little while to take care of it. Just have it *
ready for me."

"Aye, aye, Captain," he said with a mock salute. He gazed \


t me and then nodded at her. "Good," he said as if I had
p^tone something difficult by merely walking in and up the
S stairs. He turned to me again before leaving. "What's her
jlaame?"

She hesitated a moment as if she had forgotten and then I stid, "Lauren."

Lauren? I thought. That didn't sound right.
"No, that's not my name," I said.
Her eyes widened and her eyebrows curled up.
"Oh? You remember your name?"
I thought and then shook my head.
"So how do you know it's not Lauren?" she asked.
I stared at her and then at him. He was wearing a wide, '. silly grin.

"I... just. . . know," I faltered.
"Until you remember your name, that's your name," she
^replied dryly. "Now, Lauren," she said, pronouncing it
emphatically so I would not contradict her again, "come
over here and get into this." She took the shirt and pants off
their hangers and handed them to me. "You should get
settled in and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day for
you."

"Yeah, the first day is always the hardest," Billy
commented.

Clara turned to Billy, shooting him an angry look. He
flashed another smile at me and then left quickly.

I got into the shirt and pants while she turned down my
bed. The sheets smelled freshly starched and the blanket felt
; brand new.

"Comfortable?" she asked me as she tucked me in and
f arranged my pillow under my head.

"Yes, but I still ache all over. Why can't I remember what
'happened to me? Was I in some sort of accident? A car I accident? Did I fall?"

"Tomorrow, the doctor will see you and then we'll see
srhat can be done to help make you more comfortable," she
instead of answering my question. "In the morning,


another nurse* the head nurse, Mrs. Kleckner, will show you
around and take you to breakfast. You're going to be fine,"
she added.

"How long will I be here?" I asked.

She stared at me a moment.

"I don't think you'll be here as long as your grandmother
thinks," she said.

"My grandmother?" I thought about the small elderly
lady back at the house. "That woman was my grandmother?
Why was she so angry and mean to me?"

"Never mind now," she said quickly, as if she had already
told me too much. "There's plenty of time to work on your
return."

"Return? From where?"

She thought a moment.

"From . .. oblivion, I guess," she said. She paused and
looked at me, a small smile on her lips. "Can't you
remember anything about yourself? How old you are? Any
member of your family? Anything?"

I closed my eyes, tried to remember and then shook my
head.

"Everything is so muddled. I hear voices and see quick
flashing pictures, but it's like my mind is full of bubbles that
keep bursting when I try to seize one," I replied.

She laughed.

"You'll be fine," she said and patted me on the hand.
"Get some sleep."

"Will I see you again?" I asked quickly as she turned and
started for the door.

"No. I don't work here. I work for a doctor who has
patients here," she replied from the doorway.

"My doctor?" I asked.

"No, not exactly," she said. "Don't worry about all those
details. Just do what they tell you to do and you'll get better
sooner than you think," she said. "For now, what you need
the most is some rest."

"I know I want to go home," I said, "but I just cant
remember where that is."


She smiled warmly.

"You will. Someday," she said. Then she looked sad.
f*Good-bye, Lauren." She switched off the lights, and as she
I the door behind her, I heard the distinctive click of a
flock.

Trying to forget that I had just been locked into my room,
|t Jay there in the darkness, listening. Through the walls I

ild hear someone crying softly. Above me there were
f footsteps moving rapidly and then a deep, long silence that
i soon filled with the sounds of creaking walls and floors,
j»lfee slam of a door and more footsteps.

Why was I here? Why did Clara call that old lady my
j grandmother? She didn't act like a grandmother, I thought. 1 wouldn't Clara tell me more? Who told her to call me
fpLauren? Maybe that was my name.

I closed my eyes. All these questions and thoughts were

ing me a headache. A myriad of faces flashed against the
posides of my eyelids, some smiling, some laughing, a young
i looking serious and then someone began to whisper. I
s struggled to hear what he was saying, but his voice drifted
i: back until there was only silence and blackness.

I was so tired. Clara was right. I needed rest. Maybe in the
i morning, I would remember who I was. All my questions
ild be answered and this would all be over.

For now, that was my only prayer.


I woke when the door to my room was thrust open with

ch force and abruptness, it sent waves through the air. A
I much older nurse than Clara stepped in carrying a package
iJer her arm. Her hair was the dirty gray color of old silver

pins and the strands cut just below her earlobes looked thin
I harsh as wire. Her forehead had rows of deep wrinkles
exploded at her temples to produce spidery webs

xtending to her'cheeks. Her cheeks were a bit puffy,
cing her small, wide nose look like it was sinking into her
i and would soon be swallowed up by those cheeks. She
I a thin, uneven mouth, the right corner of her lower lip
ping just enough to reveal some teeth. The roundness in


her face fit her chunky, short body, yet she had long arms
with wide hands and thick fingers.

She paused, breathing in and lifting her hefty bosom as
she contemplated me for a moment. I thought she looked
like a pigeon with her chest out as she strutted to the bed.
She placed the package at my feet.

Her appearance had startled me so that my heart
thumped. As soon as I regained my senses, I sat up and
gazed about in confusion, trying to remember how and
when I had been brought here. The soreness in my body had
gone deeply into my muscles. My arms felt heavier and just
the thought of standing was exhausting.
"Good, you're awake," this new nurse said.
She went to the windows and when she turned her back to
me, I saw she had a rather prominent birthmark at the base
of her skull. Small hairs grew along its perimeter so that it
looked like a large black bug had landed there. She opened
the curtains wider to let in more sunlight. I could see clear
blue sky.

She spun on me, her hands on her hips.
"I'm Mrs. Kleckner," she said. "I'm the head nurse here.
Your bathroom has all that you need in it. You'll find a
toothbrush, toothpaste, a new hairbrush, soap, and sham*.
poo in the cabinet. Can you get up and give yourself a;
shower this morning or do I have to take you to the special'
bathroom for the disabled?"
"I think I can do it myself," I said.
She approached the bed.
"Hold out your hands," she ordered. "Go on."
I did what she asked and she watched them tremble and
then turned them over and watched them again.

Touch the tip of your nose," she commanded. "Do it," ^
site said when I didn't move quickly enough.

After I had done that, she took my pulse, looked at myl
eyes and then stepped back.	J
"Do you remember why you were brought here? Do yo»| remember how you were brought here?" she asked before j
could answer the first question.


ISO


"I came in a car. There was another nurse named Clara.
She said I had been with my grandmother." I looked up.
"The nurse kept calling me Lauren, but I don't think my
name is Lauren," I said.

"Really? Then what's your name?"

I thought a moment, but I couldn't think of anything that
sounded right.

"I know it's not Lauren," I said.

"That's nice. You know it's not Lauren. You know it's not
Susan, too. And you know it's not Joyce and you know it's
not Matilda, I bet," she rattled with a smirk. "You probably
know you're not fifty or sixty or seventy names, but do you
know how old you are?"

"How old? I can't remember," I said. "Why can't I
remember my own age and my own name?"

My lips started to tremble.

She nodded as if confirming what she thought to be true.

"A shower is the way we begin the day. There are clothes
for you in this package," she said, indicating what she had
brought in with her. "Underthings, socks, a pair of shoes, a
skirt, and a blouse. Other things are being brought for you
today. First, I'll show you the cafeteria and you'll have
breakfast. After that, you'll meet Doctor Southerby and
have your first session. I understand you have some trauma
on your arms and legs," she said and drew closer again.

She lifted the blanket away from me.

"Lower those pants," she ordered.

I started to do so and once again, I didn't move quickly
enough to satisfy her. She finished lowering them herself
and inspected the bruises on my thighs and my calves as
well as my hips and ribs.

"You did take a beating," she remarked.

She lifted the shirt over my head so roughly, I cried out.

"My arms, my shoulders!"

She held my arm up and inspected the black and blue
marks. When she released it, I studied my hands and my forearms, too. My fingers looked scabby where the skin had
been peeled away. What could I have done to myself?


"What happened to me?" I moaned, near tears.

"You'll live," she said dryly, lifting the right corner of her
mouth so that it put a bulge into her cheek. "This will all go
away in time."

"But I don't understand. How did this happen to me?" I
asked her.

She didn't smirk exactly. She pressed her lips together,
puffed her cheeks out a bit more, and made her eyes small.

"It's your responsibility to tell us," she said. "When you
do, you'll be on your way to recovery."

"What's wrong with me?" I asked in a shrill voice. "Why
can't I remember anything about myself? No one wants to
tell me anything. Please!"

"The doctor will tell you all about that. My job is to get
you ready and see after your basic needs first," she said
calmly, clearly unmoved by my emotional outburst. Then
sfee fixed her eyes on me. "I'll warn you now," she continued,
stepping back and folding her thick arms under her
i*«vy bosom. Her elbows looked dry, the skin scaly like a 8&i "This is not a five-star hotel. I don't want to hear
complaints about the food or the service or the size of your
room. I don't want to hear how we don't have enough to do
to entertain you. I'm a nurse, not some camp counselor for
wealthy, spoiled children."

"Asa I a wealthy, spoiled child?" I fired back. I thought
she almost smiled.

"That's something you'll have to learn for yourself. The
plaft is for you to make your own discoveries about yourself,
1*ifil our help, of course. That's how you get better. My
telling you everything I know about you doesn't help you."

"I don't understand. Where am I?" I asked.

"Where are you? You're in a mental clinic, my dear," she
said.

"A mental clinic?"

*Ktae of the best in the state, if not the best, and very
exclusive, too. Now, take your shower. I'll be back in twenty
minutes and I expect to see you dressed and ready for
breakfast. There's no reason why you can't do it all for


yourself. I have a few patients on this floor who really do
need my assistance and I must get to them now.."

My lips started to tremble. I thought my whole body
would soon start to shudder uncontrollably. She saw something
was about to happen and stepped closer.

"Get hold of yourself," she ordered. She put her hands on
my upper arms and shook me. "I don't permit any of my
patients to sit in their rooms and feel sorry for themselves.
The quicker you get better, the quicker you get out of here,"
she said, "and make room for someone else who really
needs us. Shower," she concluded, pivoted on her soft
shoes, and marched out of the room, closing the door
behind her.

I took a deep breath.

Remember, I chanted. Try, try to remember. Please. If you
remember, you can go home.

I squeezed my eyes closed and searched my brain, but it
was as if my shouts for help were locked in a small part of
my mind, shut up and smothered. I looked down at my
hands and my feet, seeking some mark, something that
would stir a memory. Nothing happened.

I sighed with frustration, rose, took off the shirt and
pants, and went into the bathroom. There was a mirror over
the small sink. I stared at my face, bringing my fingers to my
lips, my nose, even touching my eyes. I was like a blind
person trying to identify someone through my fingers, but
what I felt, what I found rang no bells. I leaned in to look
very closely at my reflection. I was looking at the face of a
complete stranger. It was as if I had been dropped into
someone else's body.

"Who are you?" I asked the image in the mirror and
waited.

Suddenly, I heard a roaring in my ears. A memory
flashed, the memory of holding a seashell to my ear and
listening.

The ocean is in there, someone was saying. I sensed I was
just a little girl.

Look inside. Do you see it?


I closed my eyes. There were smiling faces and there was
laughter and there was the ocean in the seashell. Everyone who looked at me smiled.

"Who am I?" I screamed at them, but they just continued
to smile. "WHO AM I?"

I directed my screaming at the image in the mirror and the image just screamed back. I don't know how long that
went on before Mrs. Kleckner returned. She spun me
around with those strong hands of hers and then she slapped me sharply across the face and I stopped.

"What are you doing? You frightened some of my other
patients."

"I don't remember my name," I wailed. "I don't know who that is in the mirror. I'm afraid. I feel like I'm dangling
in space. It's terrifying!" I cried.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're safe here. You're not dan
gin%. Now, didn't I tell you to take a shower and get
dressed? You'll see the doctor this morning and your
therapy will begin. Now, get into the shower," she said and
reached over to turn it on. "Go on, get in and stop this
nonsense now. No one is going to pamper you. You have to
cure yourself and help yourself."
She glared at me.

"It will go better for you if you cooperate," she said, not
cloaking her threats.

I ground the tears away and stepped into the shower,
adjusting the water so it wasn't as scalding hot as she had it.
She waited a moment and then left me alone.
Despite the shower, I felt deeply exhausted after drying
(MET. It took great effort to dress, get on my socks and shoes.
Where did this clothing come from? I wondered. Was it
mine? Everything did fit well.

> The door opened again and Mrs. Kleckner stood there
inspecting me.

"Good," she said. "Come along. I'll show you the eating
facilities now and tomorrow morning, you'll get yourself up
and to breakfast on your own, understand? Do you understand?"
she repeated when I didn't answer quickly enough


" Yes, "I said.

"This way." She turned and I joined her. We walkea
down the corridor toward the stairway. A tall, dark-hairec
girl was there ahead of us. She didn't glance our way, bull
instead bounced happily down the steps, waving her hands
as if she were sweeping cobwebs away from her head.

Mrs. Kleckner sighed deeply and shook her head, but she

said nothing. We started down the stairs. The dark-haired

girl was already down and away. I was moving too slowly to

satisfy Mrs. Kleckner, so when we reached the bottom of

the stairs, she seized my hand and jerked me along.

"It's time to wake up," she declared and forced me to
stride step for step alongside her until we reached a large
doorway, from which I could hear dishes and silverware
clinking and voices in a low but continuous murmur,
punctuated by some laughter. When we turned into the
doorway and entered the cafeteria, everyone stopped talking
and looked at us.

There were a little more than a dozen people, all looking
relatively my age, whatever that exact age was. The dark
haired girl who had been sweeping the air around her as she
descended the steps broke into a long, shrill laugh. She was
at the counter getting her food from a sweet-looking elderly
lady in a white uniform.

"Quiet," Mrs. Kleckner cried. The dark-haired girl
stopped with such abruptness, I couldn't help but be
impressed with Mrs. Kleckner's authority. All eyes were on
us now. There was a boy close by who didn't look much
more than ten or eleven, gazing at me with a small smile on
his lips. Sitting at his table was a tall, very thin girl with hair
the color of ripe apricots. She had big dark eyes and a
mouth with soft, perfect lips. Her cheekbones were clearly
visible under her tissue-like skin, which was pale and thin
enough to pass for transparent. I saw how thin her arms
were, too. Despite her fragile appearance, she sat straight
and firm and looked at me with a soft, friendly air.

Across from her, his eyes down, was a handsome young
man with hair as dark and shiny as black pearl. He wore it


brushed neatly on the sides and long down the back of his
neck. Bar a moment I thought of someone else. A name
almost appeared, but when this boy flashed a quick, timid
look at me, I forgot the face in my memory and smiled back
st him.

"We nave a new resident," Mrs. Kleckner said.
"* "Hooray for her," a chubby boy with blond hair cried.
The two boys at his table laughed, but then stopped as if
they could turn it on and off like a television set, their faces
, moving from comedy to tragedy in a split second.

"Thafs enough of that, Carlton," Mrs. Kleckner chas
, Be laughed silently, his cheeks jiggling, and then he
I as if he were going to cry. I glanced at Mrs.
, who didn't seem to notice or care.
(jj.-.j.w.1 name," she continued, "is Laura." <ta^|,4wned and looked at her, seeing a small smile on her
, AH along she knew I had been right. The other nurse
|. mistakenly called me Lauren and not Laura, but I had
i unable to remember. However, even though I sensed
i was my real name, I couldn't connect it with anything
.especially a surname.

*Jawant you all to make her feel at home here," Mrs.
^.Kkckner added.

f^tffflfome sweet home," someone in the back muttered.
||"SfA>6 dark-haired girl by the counter suddenly spun
. j$ound and then spun around again as if she were dancing a c .ballet. One of the attendants nearby moved quickly to her
aide and seized her hand. He spoke to her quietly and she
gtzed at the floor.

i. When I looked to the right, I noticed a female attendant
band-feeding a boy who looked at least twelve or thirteen. Sfee encouraged him to feed himself, but he merely stared
ahead, opening his mouth and chewing mechanically as she
scooped the food into it and then wiped his lips.

"Go to the counter and get what you want," Mrs.
Kleckner said. "There's juice, cereals, and eggs, if you like.
Mrs. Anderson is our cook. She can make some special


things for you if your requests are reasonable and she has
enough notice. You can sit anywhere you like," she added.

I crossed the cafeteria, feeling all eyes upon me. The dark
haired girl had been moved along and sat with the attendant
at her side. She sipped on a glass of orange juice and stared
ahead.

"Hello, Laura," Mrs. Anderson said. She had a wonderfully
happy smile, her eyes bright and cheery. "Would you
like some scrambled eggs this morning?"

"Yes," I said. "Thank you.''

I suddenly realized that I was very hungry. I chose
grapefruit juice and plucked a roll from the basket. Mrs.
Anderson scooped the eggs onto a plate and put a piece of
melon beside them.

"Enjoy your first breakfast with us," she said.

"Thank you."

I took the plate, put it on my tray, and turned. Many of
the other residents were still staring at me, but a number
had gone back to their own breakfasts and conversations.
Some looked absolutely terrified that I would stop at their
tables as I made my way through the room.

"Sit here. You'll be safe," a pretty red-haired girl said.
There was another, shorter and younger-looking girl with
her. The younger girl wore a jeans skirt and a frilly white
blouse. Her blond hair was tied in two long, thick pigtails.

"Thank you," I said and took the empty seat at their
table.

"My name's Megan Paxton," the red-haired girl said. She
had a button nose and a small mouth. Her eyes darted about
as if she expected trouble.

"I'm Laura," I said, confident of that little bit of information.

"Laura what?" the younger girl asked. She looked like a
doll because of her tiny features.

"I can't remember my full name," I said. "I can't remember
anything," I admitted, as if that were a crime and this
was a jail instead of a clinic.


"Around here, that's an advantage," Megan said. "You're
lucky," she said dryly. "I can't forget anything. When did
you arrive?"

"Some time last night. I think," I said. "It all still seems
fuzzy in my head." I drank my juice.

Megan darted her eyes about again. I began to look in the
directions she was surveying to see if there was something I should notice, too.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"I'm just waiting to see if he's still here. They claim," she
said, widening her eyes and hoisting her eyebrows, "that
they fired him yesterday."

"Who?"

"Garson Taylor, one of the attendants. He tried to rape
me," Megan said.

"Really?"

"Of course, really," she snapped. "What do you think,
I'm making it up? Well, do you?" she drove at me, her face
full of fire, her eyes wide.

"No, I'm ... I'm sorry. I was just surprised by what you
said."

"Well don't be surprised. Be alert. All the men here have
one thing on their minds and you don't have to take two
guesses to figure out what it is either," she said. "When they
look at you, they're looking through your clothes."

"That's terrible."

"Tell me about it." She considered me a moment. "Maybe
you were raped," she said. "And it was so traumatic, it
caused you to forget everything. That's very common." She
nodded, firmly convinced in her diagnosis.

I stopped eating and gazed at her. I started to shake my
head.

"Why are you shaking your head? You said you don't
remember anything. I bet that's it. Right, Lulu?" she asked
the young girl. The small girl nodded.

"Yes, Megan," she said obediently. Megan looked satisfied.


"Her name isn't really Lulu. I named her that," Megwv k explained with a smile. "That's because she's a real lulu.
: Right, Lulu?"

The small girl laughed.

"My daddy's coming to see me today," she said.

"Oh, will you stop? She's been saying that for two years.
Her father doesn't even write her letters," Megan said. "You
would think she'd understand, face reality by now."

"Yes, he does."

"Okay, Lulu. Believe what you want. Fathers are the
biggest liars of all anyway," Megan said. "Can you remem
. her your father?" she asked me.

"No," I said.

"He's the one who raped you then," Megan threw back at
me.

I nearly choked on my eggs.

"I never said I was raped."

"Of course you didn't, but it's a very logical reason why
you can't remember." She leaned over to whisper. "Be very
careful after you've gone to bed. They all have keys to our
doors," she said, leaning back, "that is how Garson Taylor
got into my room. Fortunately, I was able to shout loudly
enough to bring others. He claimed he wasn't even in my
room. Can you imagine?"

She looked about nervously again and then turned back
to me, her haunted eyes wide and full of alarm.

"If he's still here we're all in danger, especially a new girl
* like you. Watch the doctors, too," she added.
"The doctors? Why?"

"They like to touch you here all the time," she said,
touching her small breasts, "and pretend it's necessary."

She stared at me and then bit down on her lower lip so
hard, I thought she would draw blood.

"You'll be all right," she said. "We'll all be all right.
Someday. Right, Lulu?"

"What? Yes. My daddy's coming today," she told me.
"He's going to take me home."


"I'm happy for you," I said.

"Oh, spunks," Megan said. "Let's go to the rec room. We
can listen to some music and talk."

"We can just leave and go there?" I asked.

"We can do anything we want," she declared. "We're
paying the rent. At least you know this much about yourself,

Laura: \bu're rich."
"I am?"

"Of course you are, stupid. It costs about forty thousand
dollars a year to stay here."

I sat back, amazed.	j'i
"I didn't realize," I said. "I--" ,4J
"Just don't let any of them take advantage of you. Yat\ don't have to put up with any of it." She gazed at the door-:
"If he's still working here, I'm going to raise holy hell," i
said. Then she gazed at my plate. "Finish your breakfast,^
We've got things to talk about," she ordered. "I've got tof
make you aware of all the dangers!"


11

80


Return to the Land
of the Living


didn't get the chance to spend time with Megan after
fast because as soon as I was finished and rose from
table, Mrs. Kleckner approached me to tell me Doctor
outherby was waiting for me.
Megan seized my wrist as I turned to follow Mrs.

aer out of the cafeteria.
"He's the worst," she whispered, "because he's young and

ried. Watch yourself."
?J nodded as if to thank her for her warning and she
I her grip on me so I could walk after Mrs. Kleckner. I went to the right and down the corridor to an office on
s left. A pleasant-looking dark-haired woman of no more
forty looked up from her desk and smiled as we
1 She wore a dark green dress and had pretty pearl
i that matched a pearl necklace on a gold chain. She
as perfectly put together as a mannequin in a
s window. Not a strand of her hair was out of place,
she had a warmth to her smile that made me feel

ae.

frs. Broadhaven, this is our new patient," Mrs.
aer declared.


1


"Yes. Doctor Southerby is waiting to see you, Laura," she
said to me and rose from her desk.

Despite Megan's warning, I was eager to meet the doctor,
eager to find out what was wrong with me and finally be
cured.

"When you're finished here, maybe Mrs. Broadhaven will
show you around the clinic," Mrs. Kleckner said, nodding « at Doctor Southerby's secretary. Mrs. Kleckner's tone made \ it clear it wasn't a request as much as it was an order.	?

"I'll be very happy to," Mrs. Broadhaven said, apparently
not bothered by the sharpness in Mrs. Kleckner's voice. She
went to the door to the inner office, smiling at me as she
turned and waited.

I took a deep breath and followed her. Hopefully, the
answers to all my questions and the light to wash away the
darkness lay behind that office door.

"This is our new patient, Doctor Southerby," she announced
as soon as she stepped in.

Even though Megan had warned me, I was rather surprised
at how young the doctor looked. He rose immediately
from behind his dark cherry wood desk, a desk so large
it looked like it was wrapped around him. Everything on it
was neatly organized with folders in a neat pile and an open
pad before him. On the wall behind him hung his framed
diplomas and awards. There were two large windows behind
his desk that looked out at the grounds. I saw the
weeping willow trees I had seen silhouetted in the dark the ,
night before. Everything looked green and plush today.

"Good morning," Doctor Southerby said. "Please. Com$ i
right in." His voice was deeper than I would have expected"]
and he had a Southern accent. His light brown half wa$j
trimmed short at the sides, but with a small pompadour atj
the front.

"Please," he said quickly, nodding at the chair in front <
his desk, "make yourself comfortable. Thank you,
Broadhaven," he told his secretary.

She gave me a smile of reassurance and left, closing;


door softly behind her. Doctor Southerby turned back to
me.

He had turquoise eyes that radiated a warmth and
friendliness that immediately put me at ease. His smile
brightened them even more.

Not a very tall man, perhaps only five feet ten, he
nevertheless projected a strong, firm demeanor with his
shoulders back, his handshake assertive, definite. He had a
firm, straight mouth and a taut jawline. In his dark gray suit,
light blue shirt and matching tie with a jeweled tie clip, he
appeared very distinguished and confident despite his
youthful look.

He returned to his chair behind the desk.
"Did you get some rest last night?" he asked. "I always
find it hard to sleep well in a new place, myself."

"I was so exhausted I didn't have time to think about it,"
I said and he laughed.

"Most likely, most likely," he said. "Well, let me introduce
myself properly." He leaned back in his chair and
pressed the tips of his fingers together. "I am Doctor Henry
Southerby and I will be in charge of your case."

He spoke calmly, relaxed, while I felt like butterflies with i their wings on fire were circling madly in my stomach. I
. could barely sit still.

"What is my case? Why am I here? What happened to
.;me? Why can't I remember the simplest things about
jinyself?" I blurted out all at once. "I couldn't even remem
|%er my real name! I still can't remember my surname."

The high notes of hysteria in my voice didn't seem to faze
|tan. He simply nodded, gently.

"I can understand your anxiety," he said, "and I want to
t you at ease as quickly as I can. That way, you'll recover
ter. It would be best," he continued, "if you remember
ngs on your own. My simply filling up the empty spaces
a't be enough. For one, you might reject the information

and then we could be worse off than we are now."
"Reject the information? I don't understand," I said,
my head. The calmer he was, the more anxious I


felt. "Why did I reject such important information about
myself, my name, my family, where I live? It's terrifying.
Am I crazy? Is that why I'm here? What's wrong with me?" I
pursued, my voice so shrill it hurt my own ears.

"I assure you that what's wrong with you at the moment
won't last. And once you are cured, there's very little chance
this will happen again," he replied in a mellow voice. It
didn't satisfy me, however.

"What will not happen? What do I have, a disease?
What?" I asked. He couldn't talk fast enough for me.

"From what I understand about your situation, I feel safe
in a preliminary diagnosis of psychogenic amnesia," he
said, although he looked uncomfortable about committing . himself so quickly.

"I know what amnesia is," I said, shaking my head, "but^
that other word--"

"Psychogenic simply means your amnesia probably isn't!
due to any organic mental disorder. There's no physical!
reason for you to be unable to remember things. You didni|
suffer any injury to your brain; physical injury, that
There are no drugs or alcohol involved. You're not
epileptic, and," he said with a smile, "you're not pretendiu
to be forgetful."

"What happened then? What's caused this?"

"What's happened is you have experienced a very
matic event, an event of such emotional and psychologic
magnitude that your brain has shut down its memc
chambers to prevent you from suffering," he said softly
leaning over the desk toward me. "It's really a self-defen
mechanism the mind employs and is not uncommon
situations such as yours.

"This trauma arose from an event that overwhelmed yo
coping mechanism. Another term for this today is > tive amnesia, the inability to recall important per
information."

"What was it?" I asked, my heart pounding. "What <
the traumatic event?"


"It's important you remember that on your own, Laura,"
he said.

"Laura, but Laura what? What's my full name?" I de>
Wanded. "Tell me."
He nodded.

"Your full name is Laura Logan," he said. Then he stared
|at me for a moment. "What does that do for you, hearing
f&our full name? Do you remember any more about your
|ldf? dose your eyes and repeat your name. Go on," he
fterged.
fr° I did so and then I shook my head.

"I don't remember anything," I wailed. "I can't," I cried

: desperately.

"You will," he promised me. "I'll take you back gradually
it all rushes into your consciousness again. If you're
: patient and--"
,' shook my head.

can't stand it!" I cried. "I look in the mirror and feel
i I'm looking at someone else. It's horrible. I'm walking
ad on pins and needles. My head keeps echoing with long , over and over and--"

"Easy, Laura. Don't upset yourself," he said, but the tears
already flowing down my cheeks, burning as they
I my face and dripped off my chin. I shook my head
atly, shook it so hard, it revived the ache in my neck,
o, no, no. I want to be cured now! I want to remember vl Tell me everything. Tell me why I'm like this!" I
aed at him.
: stood up.

asy, Laura. Please. You're just upsetting yourself and
it all that much more difficult for us to help you


[ don't want to be here. I want to be ... where do I want 11 don't even know that!" I shouted. I gazed down at
is, the black and blue marks still vivid. "Look at me.
happened? Tell me everything! Please, tell me," I
and then I rose and looked about the office, looked


for an avenue of escape. I felt like running and running until
I couldn't run anymore.

He was around his desk instantly and at my side.

"Laura, relax now. Sit calmly. Come on," he said, putting |
his hand on my arm gently but firmly.

Megan's terrified face flashed before me.

"He's the worst," she whispered.

Who were these people who knew more about me than^
knew about myself but kept it secret? What was going t

"NO!" I screamed again. I pushed him away and th
heard a terrible ringing in my head. I pressed my palms 1
my ears. Someone was shouting Laura. There was
everywhere, water rushing over me until I couldn't heari
name anymore.

"NOOOOO!" I cried and then, all went black.


I woke on a gurney in a treatment room someplace in I
building. The walls and the ceiling were stark white.
Kleckner was at my side and Doctor Southerby was
telephone, talking softly to someone when I opened ffl
eyes.

"She's regaining consciousness, Doctor," Mrs. Kle
declared. I started to sit up, but she put her hand on
shoulder. "Just relax for a while," she command
"Doctor?"

He cradled the receiver and approached.

"How are you feeling now, Laura?"

"My head hurts," I said with a grimace. The pain feltl
a metal band being tightened from one temple to the <

"We'll give you something for that," he said.

"What happened?"

"You got too excited." He smiled. "You know
circuit breaker works?"

I thought. Yes, I did know, but I had no idea why. > t\

"Yes."

"Well, the mind works the same way. When it
overloaded, it shuts down. Now you see why I've got j
you to relax first before I can help you?" he asked. "I1


you to learn to trust me, Laura. Only then can I help you,
and I want to help you," he said firmly. He held my hand
and gazed down at me, his eyes washing over my face and
then fixing on mine. "Do you believe me?"

I nodded, but not with enough confidence to please him.
He smiled nevertheless.

"In time you will and then you'll cure yourself, Laura.
This unfortunate situation won't be long. I promise," he
saM. "Really." He patted my hand.

I wanted to believe him. He was saying the things I
wanted to bear.

"Sit up now and take this pill," he said, indicating the pill
Mrs. Kleckner was waiting to give me. She placed it in my
mouth and gave me some water. I drank and swallowed.

"For now," Doctor Southerby continued, "I'd like you to
return to your room, get some more rest, and then we'll talk


"I want to talk now," I insisted.

"I know you do, but I don't want to chance any recurrences
of what just happened. "Vbu're very fragile right now,
|Xaura, more fragile than you can imagine. You need to rest
; up a bit so you can go about your recovery with full
|strength. Trust me about this. I promise," he said, "you
on't be here a minute more than you have to be." He
ided at Mrs. Kleckner.
'Try to stand up now, Laura," she said.
I sat up and my head began to spin so rapidly, I actually
my breath for a moment and thought I was going to
ck out again.

"Easy, easy," Doctor Southerby said. "You better wheel
over," he told Mrs. Kleckner. Moments later they both
me into a wheelchair. I lay my head back and felt
slf being moved out of the treatment room. I kept my I closed all the way back to my room.

there, Mrs. Kleckner helped me into bed.
rest," she said. "I'll be back to check on you in a
i while."


"I want to go back to Doctor Southerby's office and get
my treatment," I moaned. "I want this to be over."

"You will go back," she said sternly, "but you heard the
doctor. He wants you to be rested, stronger, otherwise he's
just wasting his time and his time is very important. He
doesn't only work here with the privileged. He works at
another clinic, too."

"The privileged?"

What was privileged about being here, about being disturbed
and sick? I wanted to ask. I tried to open my eyes,
but whatever they gave me made my eyelids feel so heavy.
In moments, I was asleep.

I woke when I felt my whole body shaking. Megan Paxton
was at my bedside, tugging on my hand. She looked at the
door and then back at me.

"What happened?" I muttered. My eyes felt like cobwebs
had been built over them. My eyelids remained glued shut.

"They gave you something," she whispered. "You've got
to be careful. One of them can come in here and rape you
while you're asleep," she said. "They did that to me. Stay
awake," she warned. "Or sleep with one eye open."

"I'm so tired," I muttered. She shook me again.

"Stay awake," she ordered.

"What are you doing in here?" I heard and forced my lids
open enough to see Mrs. Kleckner hi the doorway. "Come
out of there immediately, Megan," she commanded, her
hands on her hips.

"I'm just seeing how she is. What's the big deal?"

"You know you're not supposed to go into anyone else'*]
room without permission from me. Now come out and i
her rest, Megan. Now!" she insisted.

"Stay awake," she whispered to me as she left.

My eyes shut closed again and when I woke the next I
Megan's presence in my room seemed more like a
I felt groggy, but I wanted to get up and move about, soj
lifted myself from the bed and went into the bathroom, j
washed my face in water as cold as I could get it and <


helped some. When I came out of the bathroom, I found
Mrs. Kleckner waiting.

"I see you got yourself up. That's good. How do you
feel?" she asked.

"Weak, but I don't want to sleep anymore," I added
quickly, afraid she had another pill waiting.

"Very well. As long as you feel up to it, I'll show you
about the facility myself then," she said.

"When do I see Doctor Southerby again?"

"Tomorrow," she said. "He had to leave the clinic for
other appointments. If you're strong enough, you can go to
the recreation room and meet some of the other patients.
It's good for you to interact with other people. Doctor
Southerby left strict orders about that. He doesn't want you
hibernating in this room."

"I don't want to hibernate. I'd like to get some fresh air,
too," I said.

"I'll see that one of the attendants takes you out before
dinner," she told me.

"Dinner? What about lunch?" I asked. She laughed, a
short laugh that sounded more like a cough.

"You slept through lunch. There's tea and crackers or
cookies in the recreation room, if you like, and soft drinks
in the refrigerator. Come along," she said and I started after
flier, my steps not as steady as I would have liked. She I noticed and held my arm in the corridor.

"Once you move around, get your circulation going,

I'll get stronger," she said.

"What did you give me? What was in that pill?"

"It was just a light sedative. Doctor Southerby has
ribed it for you to take at night so you get a good rest."
don't like taking pills," I said. She paused and looked

;me.

"You remember not liking them or you just decided?" she

fed.

"I... just don't like them," I said.
Veil, we all have to do things we don't like to do once in


a while. You're no different just because you can't remember
who you are," she commented and led me to the
recreation room.

There were only seven patients there, two boys who
looked about twelve or thirteen playing a game of chess and
the rest of the patients sitting and reading or just staring out
the windows at the walkways and gardens behind the
building. Megan, Lulu, the very thin girl, and the good
looking young man I had seen in the cafeteria were sitting
on two sofas facing each other with a table between them.
There were magazines and books on the table. Lulu was
writing feverishly in a long, yellow pad and didn't look up as
the others did when I entered.

On the right I saw a small stove, a refrigerator, a sink, and
some cabinets.

"There's hot water for tea there," Mrs. Kleckner indicated,
"and some cookies, if you like. Tea bags are in the
cabinet and milk and soft drinks are in the refrigerator."

"Thank you," I said.

She brought me farther into the room.

"This is Mark and Arthur," she said, referring to the two
boys playing chess. "You two remember Laura, don't you?"
she asked. They looked up at me and then back at their
chessboard with hardly a smile of greeting. It was as if
nothing more than a breeze had blown by them.

"You already know Megan Paxton and Edith Sanders,"
she said, referring to Lulu. "This is Mary Beth Lewis and
Lawrence Taylor," she added.

Mary Beth gave me a warm smile of welcome. Lawrence
glanced at me quickly and then looked down.

"I'll leave Laura with you so you can all get to know each
other better," she told them with a mechanical smile. "If
you need anything, ask Miss Cranshaw," she told me and
nodded at the attendant sitting in the corner and reading a
magazine.

Miss Cranshaw gazed our way for a moment and then
folded the magazine and sat back to watch us. I thought it
was because of the look Mrs. Kleckner had given her. She,


ISS^M?**


MUSIC IN THE NIGHT


didn't look much younger than Mrs. Kleckner. In fact, she
could easily be older, I thought.

Mrs. Kleckner left us.

"Sit here," Mary Beth said, moving over on the sofa to
make a place for me. Lawrence looked up, but quickly
shifted his eyes from mine.

"Have you remembered your full name yet?" Mary Beth
asked.
"It's Laura Logan," I said.

"How come you didn't know your own name?" Lulu
asked, perking up.

"She's got amnesia, stupid," Megan said. "Why do you
think she's here? For the food? Or for the stimulating
company?"

"Oh," Lulu said, turning to me meekly. "I'm sorry. Does
it hurt?"

"Not the way you think. It is painful not to be able to
remember anything though," I said. Lawrence gazed at me
and smiled softly before looking out the window.

"Do you know why you have amnesia?" Mary Beth
asked,

"If she knew why, she wouldn't be here," Megan answered
for me.

"She's right. I don't know," I said. "All I know is it's
because of something terrible that happened to me."

"If that was the case, most everyone in this place would
have amnesia," Megan quipped.

"What can you remember about yourself?" Lawrence
asked and then pressed his lips .together as if the words had
escaped before he could stop them. He had thick eyebrows
and dark eyes that flashed with interest before shifting away.

"Not very much, really. Actually," I said, looking at all of
.them, "nothing."

"Nothing?" Mary Beth cried. She started to smile.

"I didn't really remember my full name. Doctor
fgoutherby told me," I said.

Mary Beth stopped smiling. She formed a big O with her
| lips. It looked like she had blown a bubble.


"He wouldn't tell me what had happened to me either.
He wants me to remember on my own."

"It's classic," Megan said as if she were a doctor herself.
"Once I heard her story, I knew she had suffered some
terrible experience, and as a result, her mind's gone completely
bonkers. Remember that girl they moved to the
Tower," she continued, "the one who tried to cut her wrists
with the broken plate? Every day she couldn't remember
what she had done or said the day before. It was as if her
mind erased itself every morning and started over. Remember?
What was her name?" she asked Lawrence. "You tried
to talk to her all the time."

He turned beet red.

"I didn't try to talk to her all the time," he said, flashing a
look at me.

"Fine. You didn't. It was all in my imagination. What was
her name?" Megan demanded.

"Lydia," he said quickly. "Lydia Becker."

"Right. Lydia Becker. Every day we each had to introduce
ourselves to her again. It was as if she had just arrived.
Remember, Mary Beth?"

"Yes."

Megan laughed.

"I started giving her a different name for myself each time
just to see if it mattered. It didn't."

"What did you mean when you said they moved her to
the Tower?" I asked.

"She's still here, but on the top floor. We call it the Tower \ because Megan thinks once you are taken up there, you are|
shut away for the rest of your life, like in a tower," Mary|
Beth explained and shrugged.

"You are! No one who's been brought up there ever comes!
back to this floor, do they?" Megan fired at her. She i
angrily for a moment and then turned to me. "You can ju
imagine what goes on. She could be raped and not
remember it the next day. If they ever want to take me i
there, I want you all to promise to kill me."

Lulu laughed.


"I mean it," Megan said. "I'd rather be dead." She glared
at Lawrence, who immediately looked down.

"Why are you here?" I asked Mary Beth.
Megan laughed loud and hard.

"Are you kidding? Why is she here? Look at her. She
thinks she's fat."

"I am overweight for my size," Mary Beth said.

I started to smile, but saw the look on Lawrence's face
that told me not to.

"She eats and then throws it all up," Megan said. "One of
these days, they'll tie Jier to her bed and shove a tube down
her throat."

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, not knowing what else to say. I
had the feeling words were like footsteps on thin ice here.

"Go on, ask Lawrence why he is here," Megan taunted. I
looked at him. He held my gaze for a brief time and then
blushed and looked down at his hands. They looked long
and graceful. He had them folded and was twirling his
thumbs. "Can you guess why he's here?" Megan continued.

"I have no idea," I said. "He looks very healthy."

His eyes lifted to mine and I thought he smiled, but then I

realized he had the sort of face that could easily be

deceiving. Was it a smile or a look of pain? As if to answer,

he moved his lips slightly, lifted them almost imperceptibly

in the corners, brightened his eyes and fixed them for a

second on me, but almost as soon as he realized I felt his

' interest, he shifted away. Was he merely overly shy? That

wouldn't be enough to keep someone here, would it? I

; wondered.

"Well, Lawrence, tell her what's wrong with you," Megan
illenged. "Go on. Don't leave her hanging and guessing."

He shook his head.

I- "Oh, go on, tell her," Megan taunted. "It's a sign of
provement when you can talk about your own problem,"

legan explained.

He glanced at me again and then looked away. I thought i eyes were starting to look a bit teary.

"Lawrence hasn't made much improvement yet. Young


Mr. Taylor," she continued, "has what the doctors describe as a panic disorder. Don't you, Lawrence?"

"Can't you leave him alone?" Mary Beth said.

"What am I doing to him? Lawrence, can't you speak up

for yourself?"
"j_»


"Yes, Lawrence? Hold it, everyone," Megan said, raising
her hands. She turned and looked toward the two boys
playing chess. "Quiet down over there. Lawrence Taylor the
third is about to say something. Go on, Lawrence," she said.

He looked at me and then rose quickly, his face flushed.

"Where are you going?" Megan cried.

"Will you leave him alone," Mary Beth said.

Lawrence glanced at me and then hurried out of the
recreation room.

Megan laughed.

"Lawrence," she said, "is unable to perform today.
Everyone gets his money back."

"That wasn't very nice," 1 told her.

She smirked.

"As Mrs. Kleckner says, if we baby each other, none of us
will get better."

"And what's wrong with you then?" I demanded, still
feeling sorry for Lawrence.

"Me? I'm . .. unable to have significant relationships. I don't trust anyone. Can I trust you?" she asked, her eyes
growing watery. "Can I trust you?" she asked Mary Beth.
"What about you, Lulu?"

"I'm writing to my father," Lulu said with a smile,
"telling him about our new friend."

"Oh great. Another letter to the dead. I have to go to the
bathroom," Megan said, rising. "Will everyone please excuse
me?"

She folded her arms over her breasts and walked out.

"Megan is not a very happy person," Mary Beth said. "So
she's not satisfied until everyone around her is unhappy,
too."


"I can see that," I said. My stomach rumbled. "I think I'll
j. Have some tea. Would you like some?"

"No," Mary Beth said quickly. "I never eat between
|»eals."

"Tea isn't really eating," I said.
"I've got to go to my room and get something," she said
i a voice of panic. "Ill see you at dinner." She rose and
t quickly as I got up to go to the stove and pour hot water
a cup with a tea bag. I took one of the cookies and
I at Lulu. She was so sweet, so dainty. How could her
ats let her be here and not with them? I wondered,
hen I returned to the sofa, she looked up from her
ad.

do you spell acquaintance?" she asked me and I Ad her. "I'm describing you as a new acquaintance," she
[>lained and wrote on. "Is that all right?"
' "Of course," I said.

like making new friends and my daddy likes to hear
ut them. He told me to write him a letter every day.
aetimes, I write two a day. And I have piles and piles of
from him," she said. Then she paused, put the
t down and looked at me. "I think I'll have a cookie,


rJSVhen she got up, I leaned over and looked at her pad. I

from surprise to shock and confusion,
here wasn't a word written on it, just lines scrawled in
direction.


t Mrs. Kleckner's directive, Miss Cranshaw took me out I gardens and walkways to get some fresh air.
; like you to stay on the pathways," she said. "You can
i the benches, even on the grass or under a tree, as long
remain in this area," she added, gesturing at the
ies.

: grounds were beautiful, with beds of flowers, bird,
some stone and marble statuary, and tall, thick oak
aple trees. The hedges, the grass, and the gardens


were all well maintained. A groundsperson was weeding i
one of the gardens as we walked through. None of the ofc
patients at the clinic were outside, as far as I could see.

"I'd like to just sit here for a while," I said, moving to 4
wooden bench halfway down the long, center path. Thej
sight of the soft clouds, the scent of the grass and thej
flowers, and the touch of the breeze on my face
deliciously familiar. I liked being outdoors; I liked
What else did I like? It was strange, discovering such
and simple things about yourself.

"You have about an hour before dinner," Miss Crans
said. "I have to look after a few patients and then I'll con
get you when it's time to come in," she said.

I thanked her and sat back, watching two songbirds. 1
from the birdbath to a statue of a cherub. They paraded <
the small angel's shoulder and then gazed at me befi
lifting off to fly toward the oak trees.

It's so quiet, so beautiful and fresh here, I thought. It<
a perfect place for recuperation. The only problem
didn't know from what I was recuperating and now a ] me was afraid to know, afraid to go back. If it
something so terrifying that it would cause me to forgeti
most basic things about myself, it must be horrend
thought, too horrendous for the doctors or nurses to i
tell me.

A movement near one of the sprawling oak trees <
my eye and I turned to see Lawrence Taylor emerge fros
shadows and step onto a path. He walked slowly
head down. When he drew closer, he looked up and saw
and he stopped quickly.

"Hi," I said. "It's so pretty out, I wonder why there i more people outside."

For a second he looked like he might run off.
took a deep breath and replied.

"No one comes out here this time of the day. It's 1
to dinner," he said. "Everyone usually follows a
routine here," he added. He looked to his right
glanced at me as if he had to steal each and every I


"How come you're outside then?"
"I like being alone now," he said. "Out here."
"Why do you like being alone?"
He shrugged.

"I always have," he said. "Well, not always. I used to be
aid to be alone," he confessed. "That's why they think
!*m improving."

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" I asked.
"No." He smiled and looked away.
^"What's so funny?" I asked. He didn't reply. "Well?"
"I was going to ask you if you did and then I remembered

don't remember anything," he said.
I "That's funny?"
|rHe looked down. I was angry at first and then, I suddenly

He looked up, a puzzled expression on his face.
"Maybe it is funny," I said. "I do feel ridiculous." He
his gaze on me for the longest time yet and then he ' closer.

tor Thomas told me sometimes it's better to laugh
t cry," he said. "If you have more of a sense of humor
yourself, you don't take things as seriously and you
|'t worry as much," he explained. "I try to follow his
, but I still don't laugh all that much."
unds like good advice though," I said. "How long
i you been here?"

i years," he replied. "It seems like forever."
to years! You didn't go home and come back?" He
: his head. "Why can't you go home? You seem fine to
I said. I wanted to add, "unless shyness is now

'. an illness."

ave these spells. I get chest pain, dizziness, and I start
i uncontrollably."

n»»


i what Megan told you. I have a panic disorder," he
"I have very low self-esteem, but as I told you,
ting better," he added quickly, as if he were afraid I t frightened away. "At least now I can take walks by
1 It used to be, I never left the building. However," he


continued, "every time I think about leaving the clinic, I
break out in a cold sweat and feel faint."

"You want to leave though, don't you?"

"Yes. I'm trying. I really am now. I wasn't trying so much
in the beginning. I didn't care as much."

"Did you always have this . . . panic disorder?"

"No," he said.

The whole time he spoke to me, he kept squeezing his J
right hand with his left and nibbling on his cheek.

"Why don't you sit here for a while," I suggested. "Relax.!
Tell me what it's like here. I've only been here one night," l|
explained.

He looked at the space beside me on the bench as if its
were a high hurdle he could never reach.

"I don't bite," I said. "Or, at least I don't think I do.,
don't remember biting people, but maybe I did," I add
tilting my head and pretending to think about it. "Since 1
can't remember, I can't swear I didn't. I might even be 1
killer." He smiled. "See, I have a sense of humor," I
him.

He widened his smile and then, with a sudden, abr
and definite move, like someone charging into a fire, he J
beside me.

"You really can't remember anything? Nothing?"
asked. When he spoke, he avoided looking directly at me i
more than a fleeting second.

When he did look at me, I could see the sensitivity inl
dark eyes. His pupils looked like two shiny black
They made me think of another face, but I saw only the« in my memory, and then, when I saw the mouth, the i
faded.

"I have these flashes, pictures, sounds, but as soon as 14
to understand them, to trace them back to something, i
disappear," I complained.

"What's an example? What do you see, hear?" he i
with interest.

"Water, the beach, boats, but little boats, toy boats."

"You mean like model boats?"


"Yes, yes, model boats, but it makes me shiver, even now,
in the sunlight, to think about boats," I said and
i myself. My teeth actually chattered.
Very tentatively, inches at a time, he reached out to touch
'hand.

"You are cold," he said, impressed.
I nodded and he wrapped his hand around mine.
-"That feels good," I said, smiling. He smiled and held on
my hand. The longer he held on to it, the more confident
t became.
J "Well, what do we have going on here?" we heard, and

nee let go as if my hand had shocked him.
|'We turned to see Megan coming toward us. She marched
with her hands clenched at her sides and her arms
ending.

, Megan," I said.

|*I wondered where you were when I came back. Lulu said
had asked to go outside. Isn't this cozy?" she added,
king from Lawrence to me and back to Lawrence. "You
ft know each other five minutes and you rendezvous in
I garden and I find you holding hands."
nee moved away from me quickly,
i just bumped into each other out here," I said. "I
ft know Lawrence was outside."

lly?" she said, her eyes narrow with suspicion,
v'd he get you to let him hold your hand?"
Je didn't get me to let him, Megan. I told him I was cold
s was just trying to warm me up," I said.

That's how it starts," she said. "I'm surprised at
^Lawrence Taylor. You haven't touched another person
i-since I've known you. You must be someone special,"
I to me.

rice's face was crimson, but his lips were white with
, He shook his head.
l>st--"

male in you has woken," Megan declared like a
r diagnosing a terminal illness. "I'll warn the girls and
ile attendants and the rest of the world. Everyone


should know to be on guard. Lawrence Taylor's lusts ha
been miraculously resurrected. His hormones are
Beware!"
"No . .. I--"

"Oh, stop it," she snapped and then looked When she turned back to us, her expression was comr.
different. "I have a private, secret place I'll show you ]
she told me, "if you're good. However, I hope you're,
like Lydia and forget everything every day. I really
like wasting my time on people."

"I don't think that's my problem, forgetting th
learn," I said.

"You don't know what your problem is. That's problem," she replied. "Look at him," she contir
nodding at Lawrence. "Pathetic."

I turned and saw he was trembling and that sv
broken out on his brow.
"Lawrence," I said, reaching out to touch him.
"I'm okay. I'm okay. I think it's time to go in for dil
He stood up. "I didn't mean anything. I just. . ."

"It's all right, Lawrence. Really," I said. "Please st^|
us."

He looked at Megan.

"Yeah, Lawrence. We're hungry for your wonder
pany," she said.

"I'll see you inside." He glanced at me and turnedf
"I've got to do something before dinner," he add
walked toward the building.

"I wonder what that could be, Lawrence," Megaa|
after him. "What could you do alone in your room?
it's not what I think it is. I hope it's not what of
your age do with themselves."
Her words and laughter made him walk faster.
"Why do you pick on him like that?" I demand
was doing so well."

She looked at me as if I spoke another language.
"I don't pick on him. I don't pick on any
paused, making her eyes smaller. "Are you sidings


You just got here and you're siding with them?"
f accused,
/ith whom?"

With whom?" she mimicked. "You'd better be careful,"
t warned "You just better be careful. First they win your
t and then .. . then .. ."Her lips trembled and her chin
She had her hands clenched into fists and her
8 extended and against her sides again. She looked like a 1 frozen in place.
a? Are you all right?"
r eyelids fluttered. Then she looked at me and relaxed.
Fcourse I'm all right. I have to be all right. I have to be
, aware. I'm ... going back inside. I've got to get Lulu,
n't know enough to get herself to dinner. She keeps I for her daddy. Her daddy. Daddies," she spit, as if
i a profanity. "She should be happy he never comes

I »»


> turned and walked after Lawrence.
' did she hate daddies?


12

GO

Shadows of My Mind


Everyone seemed more subdued at dinner. Their
were low and there was very little laughter. Those who i
unable to feed themselves were seated together and i
by the attendants. The rest of us moved through
cafeteria line. There were two choices for an entre: tur
halibut. Everything smelled and looked good. Mrs.
son supervised with pride. If I closed my eyes and listen
couldn't tell I was in a clinic.

"Does this cafeteria remind you of your school?"
rence whispered from behind me.

"It's familiar," I said, "but I can't recall anything^
cine."

"I went to a private school," he said. "I always die
food was pretty good there, too, and it didn't have
more students than there are patients here," he adc
he sounded like it wasn't a happy experience.

"Some of us back here are hungry," Megan
prompt us to stop talking, take our food, and movej
the line.

I hurried along, noticing how Mary Beth :


bread or dessert and then pushed her food apart, as if to let
anything touch would contaminate everything.

This time Megan, Mary Beth, Lulu, Lawrence, and I all
sat at the same table. No one else seemed to want to join us.
"What are you waiting for?" Megan asked me. "Eat
before it gets cold."

I hadn't realized I was sitting there, not touching any
silverware, while everyone else, even Mary Beth, had begun.
"I don't know," I said, sensing a blank that wanted to be
filled in desperately, "but you're right. I feel like I am
waiting for something before we eat, something that should
happen first..."

"My daddy used to tell us all about his day at work at
dinner," Lulu said. "And then he would tell us stories about
when he and my mother were young."

"He was probably never there for dinner. Didn't your
parents get divorced when you were a baby?" Megan
reminded her.

"I still remember," Lulu said and glanced at me to see if I
believed her. I smiled at her and she smiled back.

"Maybe you said a prayer first," Lawrence suggested. "At
my private school, the headmaster led us in saying Grace
before every dinner."

"Yes," I said. "Maybe..." I nodded. "I think that's it," I
Sidded excitedly.

"Okay, I'll say it. Everyone wait. Hold your fork, Lulu."
|Megan stared ahead and raised her arms slowly toward the
ling. "Grace," she declared, clapping her hands. Then
: dug into her potatoes, laughing.
"Yes," I said, nodding. "Yes, that's it. You're right, Law
e. I can remember that. I think I can remember... the
ble. We read from the Bible," I continued. Lawrence
his eyes happy for me as he nodded softly,
is good," he said. "If everything comes back to you
Utast, you can leave before you know it."

Jy, goody for her," Megan said. She started to eat
and then paused to consider me. "Do you really
something?"


V. C AAO>REWS


"Just vaguely, someone reading .. . it's like I'm remembering
myself reading." I shook my head. "It doesn't make
any sense. I hear a different voice, but I see a face so similar to my own, it's like ... I'm looking at myself."

"That doesn't sound like anything," Megan said after a
moment of thought.

"Sure it does," Lawrence said, suddenly assertive. Megan
widened her eyes and he turned back to me. "You better
have something to eat," he suggested softly. "You'd be
surprised at how much strength all this mental work takes."

"Yes," I said and started. Even that tiny bit of memory
returning filled me with encouragement and stimulated my
appetite. I really am going to get better, I thought.

Halfway through the meal, I glanced at Mary Beth and
saw she was eating, but after every bite, she wiped her
mouth with her napkin and put the napkin on her lap. I
caught sight of it after she took another mouthful of fish and
saw that the napkin was filled with the food she had spit
back into it. Actually, she was barely eating anything.

The attendant named Billy, who had greeted Clara and
me at the door when I first arrived, had been standing on the
side with another attendant watching our table. Suddenly,
he rushed over and pounced.

"Mary Beth, you're spitting out your food," he accused,
his hands on his hips. He nodded at her plate.

"No, I'm not!"

"Let me see your napkin," he demanded. "Come on.
We've got strict orders from Doctor Thomas about you."

"I'm eating!" she cried, on the verge of tears.

"Leave her alone," Megan said. He turned to her.

"Mind your own business, Megan. There's plenty to mind ]
there," he said. He turned back to Mary Beth.

Mary Beth's panic had flushed her neck and face. Sh
looked like she was trembling in her seat. I felt sorry for herJ
Her eyes were darting about, searching for some avenue <
escape.

"You're scaring the hell out of her!" Megan cried. Bil^fj
ignored her and continued to hover over Mary Beth.


"The doctor said if we see you spitting out your food,
we've got to tell him and then they'll put you upstairs and
force-feed you," Billy reminded her.

"The Tower!" Megan declared. "Don't even think of
trying it," she told Billy. She even poked him in the rear
with her fork. He spun on her again.

"Look," he said, "if you interfere with our work with
other patients, you'll end up there, too. And don't you ever
poke me with anything. That's an exhibition of violence,"
he chastised with a smile that revealed his row of glitteringly
white teeth. "And you know what that means," he threatened.

While he glared with fury at Megan, I reached under the
table, took Mary Beth's full napkin off her lap and dropped
mine in its place. She glanced at me gratefully. Billy turned
back to her.

"Well? Hand up that napkin. Come on," he said, gesturing
with both hands.

She reached into her lap and gave it to him slowly. He
seized it. The disappointment registered on his face when
he opened it and nothing fell out. Megan roared and then clapped .

"Billy Screwball screws up again!" she cried, clapping her
hands over her head. Conversations throughout the cafete|,lia
stopped and everyone looked our way.

"Cut that out," he told her.

Megan continued to clap, which caused one of the boys I
seen playing chess earlier to start clapping, too. His
riend followed and then the whole table joined in. Soon,

eryone in the cafeteria who could "clap was clapping.

Billy's face took on a look of rage and he threw the napkin
; at Mary Beth. Then he marched back to his position in

I cafeteria, shouting at the patients to quiet down. Megan
ily stopped clapping and soon everyone followed. One

y, however, kept breaking out into applause and laughter

r no reason every once in a while during the remainder of

meal.

"Thanks," Mary Beth whispered to me.


"That was pretty smart," Megan told me. "You saved her
butt with quick thinking."

Lawrence smiled at me, too, his gaze steadier now and
full of pride and admiration.

"You better eat something, Mary Beth, or I'll feel responsible
and guilty if you get sick," I told her.

She took a forkful offish and put it in her mouth, chewing
demonstrably and turning toward Billy as she did so. He
looked away with disgust.

"Billy's such a dork," Megan said. She glared back at him
until he turned his back to her and kept his eye on the other
patients. "He doesn't scare me with his threats. He knows if
he so much as put a finger on me . . ."

She turned back to me and stopped talking and eating.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked.

"That girl," I said, nodding to a girl who sat across the
cafeteria from us, "what is she doing?"

Megan looked.

"Oh, that's Tamatha Stuart. She's mute. She won't talk,
so she does that sign language to communicate. It's so
stupid. She's not deaf. I don't know why they pamper her.
She should have been given shock treatment. I--what?" she
asked me when she saw the expression on my face get more
emphatic.

"I know what she's saying with her hands. I understand
it!" I said, even surprised myself.

"Really?"

"That's awesome," Lawrence said. "Someone you know
must be deaf," he added.

I looked at him. It was as if a thick, heavy door had been \ opened just an inch or so, and there was light streaming
through. I thought I saw a face peeking out at me through
the darkness. But who was it?

My eyes began to blink rapidly, uncontrollably. I wanted
to see who was behind that door. I felt as if I were struggling;
to tug that door open just a little bit more, pulling, pull- \ ing. ... I couldn't stand the effort.

"Laura?" he said. "Are you all right?"


"You're upsetting her," Megan said.

"What am I doing? I'm not doing anything," he moaned.
"Laura?" he said, turning back to me.

Suddenly, it just came over me. I heard a cry, the cry that
had been haunting me ever since I arrived, someone was
desperately crying out for my help.

I spun around in my seat and looked behind me and to
the sides.

"What is it?" Lawrence asked. "Laura?"

"Someone ... is crying . .."

The noise in the cafeteria became the roar of the sea.
. There was water everywhere. The wind itself was calling my
: same: Laura! Laura!

My heart started to pound. I felt the whole room turn. It
was as if I were in a boat and not a chair, and the boat was
, being tossed violently. I grasped the table.

"No!" I cried. I closed my eyes and felt myself swaying.

"What*s the matter with her?" I heard Lulu say.

Lawrence reached over and touched my hand tentatively.

"Are you all right?" he asked. "Laura?" His voice merged
Hvith the voice in my mind, especially when he repeated, }fLaura?"

1 * I felt nauseated. I started to shake my head and then my

|wbole body began to tremble. I was holding the table so

ily that the dishes began to clank. A glass fell over.

Megan shouted to Lawrence because I was tipping over

ckward. He seized my chair, but I started to slide off it.

ly body felt as if it had turned to liquid, all my bones
aelted. I was pouring toward the floor. Lawrence held me,

at I slipped from his grip and fell down, down, down,

having my arms about me. Billy and a female attendant
ic rushing over to us.

"What's wrong with her? Does she have epilepsy or

amething?" someone asked. It sounded like Megan.

My tongue was swelling and I couldn't get any air. I felt

ayself drooling and then I started to scream, or at least I

aught I did. Then, all went black.

When I woke this time, I was back in my room. A man in


a white lab coat was taking my pulse and one of the night
nurses was beside him.

"She's stabilizing," he said. "Laura? How are you
doingr

I blinked rapidly.

His voice echoed.

"Laura, how are you?"

"Laura .. . Laura . . ."

"NO!" I screamed, or at least I thought I did. My whole
body began to tremble terribly. It was as if the bed were
coming apart beneath me. "I'm sinking!"

"Hold her!" the man said. "Easy . .."

There was a pinprick in my arm and then, after a few
moments, a wave of darkness washed over me. My body
sank deeper and deeper into the bed. I felt like I was going
underwater. I tried desperately to stay conscious, but wave
after wave of blackness was rushing in, pushing me farther
and farther down. The sound of my name drifted off, and
then, I was asleep.

When I woke again, there was sunlight streaming through
the curtains. I heard the sound of water being run in a sink
and then a nurse emerged from the bathroom with a
washcloth and a pan. She put the cloth on my face as I
blinked and blinked, trying to focus in on something that
made sense to me.

"So you're finally awake. Good," she said, twisting her
mouth. "You gave everybody a bad time again, I heard."

She lifted the cloth from my forehead and gazed down at
me. I opened my mouth, but my voice wouldn't work.

"So, let's hear about it. How are you now? Do you have
any pain? Any nausea? Well?" she demanded when I was
silent. I shook my head. "Are you hungry?"

I thought about it. I was a little hungry, but when I went
to say yes, nothing happened.

"Well?" she asked. "Can't you talk this morning?"

Talk? I thought. Could I ever talk? I tried to speak and ;
only a deep guttural sound emerged. The nurse looked
surprised.


' * "What is it?" she asked.

I lifted my hands and as naturally as people speak, I
= began to sign.

"What the . . ." She stepped back and watched as I spoke
through my hands.

"Yes, I am hungry," I told her, "but where am I?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"This is a surprising turn of events," she said, looking
quite impressed. "The doctor will be here in an hour. If you
want to eat any breakfast, you should get up now," she said.

I signed okay and rose from the bed. I felt groggy, but
strong enough to stand.

"Some more clothes were brought here for you last

night," she told me. "They're all brand-new apparently.

: Everything still has a tag on it. Some of it is in the closet and

some is in the dresser. Choose what you want to wear, get

dressed, and come out to breakfast," she said. "Well?"

I signed okay.

"So you can't talk now, is that it? Fine. I could use a little
more quiet around here," she said. "I'll see you in the
cafeteria. Get dressed," she ordered and left the room
before I could ask her where the cafeteria was.

Confusion resembled a great cloud of smoke circling me. [i moved slowly, unsure of myself, making discoveries about
the room and the bathroom as if I had never been here
before. How long had I been here? And where was here?

I paused in the bathroom and looked at myself in the
mirror. The face I saw seemed to change right before my
eyes, and for a moment, I thought I was looking at a boy. It
only lasted a second or two, but it made my heart pound
and took my breath away.

After I dressed, I poked my head out of the room and E looked up and down the corridor. The floors gleamed under
the rays of sunshine that came through the windows.
i Suddenly, the door across from me opened and a girl about
tffly age stepped out. She looked sickeningly thin.

"How are you?" she asked softly. "We were all worried
sick about you last night."


"I don't know," I said with my hands. She started to
smile and stopped.

"Why are you doing that?" she asked.
"Doing what?" I signed. She seemed to understand.
"Why are you doing that stuff with your hands, sign
language?" she asked. "Has something happened to your
voice? Can't you talk?"

I shook my head. She just stared at me, her face so thin
her eyes looked like they were floating in their sockets. I
could even see the bones in her jaw and cheeks through her
thin skin. A thought brought a strange, soft smile to her thin
lips.

"You look like you don't remember me," she said and 1
then asked, "Do you?" I shook my head again. "I'm Mary|
Beth."

"Who am I?" I asked her, pointing to myself and the
raising my hands and shaking my head to make her under*^
stand my question.

"You don't know who you are?" After I shook my
emphatically, she said, "You're Laura Logan. 1 don't kno
anything else about you because you didn't remer
anything to tell us when you first came here," she said
"This is terrible," she added, gazing down the hall looking for someone, as if I were hurt and bleeding.
I rubbed my stomach and indicated my mouth. "You're hungry?"
I nodded and she relaxed.
"Just come with me," she said. "Come on," she
reaching out for my hand. I took her hand and we
down the hallway together to the cafeteria.

"How's she doing?" a dark-haired girl at the table
Beth had brought me to asked as soon as we appeared.'
handsome boy beside her looked up with interest, as did I
young girl on her other side.

"She can't talk. She's using sign language and
forgotten everything, Megan. I don't mean about he
either. Now she doesn't know who we are, where
everything!" Mary Beth wailed.


"Oh no," Megan said, gazing back at the attendants who
were standing and talking to each other. "They'll put her in
the Tower right next to Lydia Becker, for sure. Look, Laura,
I'm Megan, Megan Paxton. This is Lawrence and this is
Lulu. You're at the clinic. You go up there and get what you
want to eat and come back. Act as if you remember
everything, okay?"

I looked at Lawrence, whose look of concern impressed
me. Then I nodded.

"If you tell them you forgot everything about this place, I they'll want to give you some other treatment, something
pike electric shock maybe. That could mean you'll be going
|to the Tower!"

I signed question after question, but no one understood. I
Iwanted to know how long I had been here. Why was I here?
I:Where had I come from? And what was this Tower?
"You sure you can't talk today?" Megan asked with a
aace. I shook my head. "Great. You're in deep water,
afraid," she said. "It's hard enough around here to

. yourself when you can talk."

Til take her to the cafeteria line," Mary Beth offered.
, "That's like the blind leading the blind," Megan quipped,
t'you help her pick out her food, she'll starve." ^Don't worry. I'll make sure she gets what she wants to

' Mary Beth insisted.
"I can take her," Lawrence said, rising.
"Me too," Lulu said.

by was everyone so concerned, about me?
"Remember. If you make it look like she's helpless, they'll : and that will be it," Megan warned. "Sit down, Lulu."
t'Just follow me," Lawrence said softly. "I'll do all the

; and you just nod, okay?"
S'All of a sudden he can help someone. Before this, he
dn't tie his own shoelaces if someone was watching,"
remarked with a twisted smile,
ace ignored her and directed me to follow.
t can understand a little sign language," he said. "And I


can learn the rest fast. Don't worry. I'll protect you," he
promised.

After I got my food and returned to the table, I did feet
less tentative and insecure. I listened to their conversations
and ate. Every once in a while, Lawrence turned to me and
asked me how I would say or ask for something through
signing. I showed him and he committed it quickly to
memory.

Someone else, someone in my past, learned sign language
that quickly, I remembered. I could see myself teaching
him. Who was he? Everything I did raised another question
about who I was and where I belonged, and every question
felt like a needle in my side demanding attention.

"You shouldn't be encouraging her," Megan warned.
"She won't snap out of it as fast."

"She'll be fine," Lawrence said, smiling at me.

"Listen to him, Doctor Lawrence Taylor. Hang a shingle
over your room door," Megan said. She looked at the
doorway and then leaned in toward me. "Here comes Mrs.
Kleckner. You better not act too stupid," she advised.

"How are we doing now?" Mrs. Kleckner asked after shejj
approached our table.

"Fine and dandy, Mrs. Kleckner. We're an absohi
happy little group of idiots and screwballs," Megan
marked with a fat smile.

"You're not really very funny, Megan. I'm hoping youl
realize that soon. For your own sake, as well as eve
else's," she added.

"Oh, I'll try, Mrs. Kleckner," Megan promised witi
false smile on her lips.
Mrs. Kleckner turned to me.
"I understand you've lost your voice."
I looked at Megan and Lawrence and then at her befi
nodded.

"Very well," Mrs. Kleckner continued, "you have
session with Doctor Southerby now. Come along, ~
she said.


1 looked at the others. Their eyes were wide with concern.

"Good luck with your doctor," Megan said as I stood up.

"I hope things go better for you this time," she added,

telling me I had met him before. I smiled, signed my thanks,

and left with Mrs. Kleckner.

Doctor Southerby wasn't in his office when I was brought
there. Mrs. Kleckner had me take a seat in front of the big
desk and then left. I sat quietly waiting, gazing at everything
and wondering how it could be that I had been here before.
None of it looked even vaguely familiar. A side door opened
and Doctor Southerby entered. He smiled softly and went
to his desk.

"So," he began as soon as he sat, "you've had a little
setback, I understand. Lost your voice?"
I didn't know what else to do, so I nodded.
"You can use sign language," he said. "I know it well."
I felt like I was in a foreign country and had finally found
another person who spoke my language. The questions
flowed out of me so quickly, my hands could barely keep up.
jLDoctor Southerby's eyes followed and his smile widened
land widened.

"Whoa," he cried. "Let's take it one at a time. You're in a
: for people who have mental and psychological prob
It's a clinic mainly for young people. It was estab
bed by a foundation funded by wealthy people and has
ome one of the more prestigious and successful institusns
of its kind in the northeast, if I may say so," he added
lly. "I'm one of the chief therapists here and your case
(been assigned to me.

^As we were discussing yesterday, you suffered a serious
atic experience and it has affected your memory. You
s a form of general amnesia, but it is the sort of amnesia
[ won't last long. I feel confident of that."
s," he said after I signed my question, "when you first
here, you could speak, but you couldn't recall
ag about yourself."
aed, "Why can't I speak now?"


"I don't know yet," he said, looking very thoughtful. "I'm
just learning about your background myself and the information
I need is slow in coming, unfortunately," he said
with a grimace. "However, since you know sign language so
well, it is something that is obviously in your background.
Someone close to you is deaf. Does that jog your memory a bit?"

I thought.

"Yes," I told him, "but I can't remember much about her
right now."

"You will. Suddenly, you will see someone else doing it
and you'll realize who it is," he promised. "Until then, since
you are unable to speak. .."--he reached into a drawer
and came up with a notebook--"I would like you to write
down everything you remember; everything you think and
anything that occurs to you about yourself, or people here,
anything," he said, handing me the notebook.

I took it gingerly.

"I know you have a lot of anxiety. Do you experience
flashbacks, hear voices you don't recognize?"

I nodded.

"You're eating well, apparently. That's good. Do you have
any numbing, any part of your body that feels detached?"

I shook my head.

"Good. Just so you'll know what to expect from me
I'm going to try to get you, slowly, of course, to relieve the,
trauma you have suffered. We have to undo any unnecessary I shame and guilt. It's all right for you to get angry and!
eventually to grieve, Laura. When you're able to do so, yoitf
will return fully to yourself. I might employ hypnosis. Wel"
see, okay?" he said, his voice soft, comforting.

I nodded.

"That's good. Okay, Laura," he said, "let's do somethil
now. Let's both relax and you tell me whatever comes
your mind . . . words, pictures, anything. Go on," he sai<i
"close your eyes and just let your mind wander."

I did so. Pictures flashed, but each for only a split secon
I saw sand and water, faces that I couldn't attach to na


small boats, and cranberries in a bog. I described each thing
to him.

"That's good, Laura. That's progress. In a short time, all
i:Jhese apparently unconnected images will start linking up
" for you and you'll start to find meaning. You're on your way
home. I promise," he said.

"The best thing for you to do here is relax. Enjoy our
facilities, write in your notebook, and rest. You're going to
cure yourself," he said. He sounded so confident and
sincere, I felt better.

He talked about other patients with similar problems and
how they overcame them to return to active, healthy lives.
He assured me that whatever was wrong with me would end
and I would never return to the clinic once I left.

"Try to say something to me before you leave today,
Laura," he concluded. He got up and walked over to me,
taking my hand into his and looking so intensely into my
eyes, I couldn't look away. "Go on, say your name. Try," he
urged.

I opened my mouth and moved my lips.
"That's it," he coaxed. "Go ahead."
My tongue lifted and fell. I felt the muscles in my neck : and throat strain.

"Lawwwww." I started to gag, tears burned under my
eyelids, and I felt my cheeks turn red and hot.

"Okay," he said, patting my hand. "Okay. It will come
Ifack."

He patted my hand and returned to his chair.
"I have to do some research on you, Laura. I have calls
: to gather the information I need. You and I will meet
tomorrow," he said, "and in a week's time at the
t, you'll see some dramatic changes. Okay?" \ I nodded and smiled. I decided he was a very nice young
or, someone I could probably trust, only at the moment
f-had nothing to trust him with except my immediate
lings. He took me out to his secretary.
"Mrs. Broadhaven didn't get to show you some of our
Sities yesterday, Laura. She wants to do that now, okay?"


I nodded and the pretty woman rose and led me out.

"We have a very nice arts and crafts studio here," she
explained. "It's just down the hall from the lounge."

I gazed through the door at some patients watching
television, playing chess, and reading. In the rear, a young
man was playing Ping-Pong with an attendant.

"Here's the studio," she said, pausing at another door
farther down the corridor. I looked in and saw Megaa
wearing a frock and dabbing roughly at a soft clay figure she
was forming. Lulu and Mary Beth were painting with watercolors
at a table in the corner. A tall woman with beautiful
red hair and a milky white complexion approached us.

"This is Laura," Mrs. Broadhaven said. "I'm showing her
around, but she might come right back here," she added,
seeing the interest on my face. "Laura, this is Miss Dungan,
our art therapist."

"Hi, Laura," she said, offering her hand. "You can choose ;
any format to work with: clay, oils, watercolors, wood. Was 4
can make ceramics, too."

I sensed something familiar. I know an artist, I thought,;
but I couldn't remember his name. Miss Dungan saw how|
hard I was staring at Megan's sculpture.

"Do you want to try that today?" she asked.

"It might help you remember things," Mrs. Broadhav
suggested.

I nodded.

"I'll bring her right back," Mrs. Broadhaven told M» Dungan.

She then showed me the library, where I saw
sitting at the table, poring over a book. He had a small ]
of other books beside it. As soon as he saw us, he bin

"We're very proud of our library facilities here,
Mrs. Broadhaven said. "It's as good as many small coll
libraries. Isn't it, Lawrence?" she asked him.

"What? Oh ... yes," he said. He looked frighte
thought, and I wondered why. His eyes shifted quickly i
saw that his hand was shaking.

"Well, Laura. What would you like to do? Go back to'i


studio?" Mrs. Broadhaven asked. Either she didn't see what
I noticed about Lawrence or she chose to ignore it.

I nodded, looked back once more at Lawrence, who now

had his hands over his eyes, and then we left to return to the

art studio. Miss Dungan set me up with a smock and then

placed me at a table with a mound of clay. After showing me

how to use some of the tools, she went to attend to other

patients. Megan, who had been working intently on her

: piece, paused and came over to sit beside me. She looked at

i my formless mound and then at me.

"They're hoping you'll do something revealing. You
know, something they can analyze. They like to get into
[ your head, dissect you like a frog." She laughed. "I know
|what Doctor Thomas expects me to say every time I do a
| piece. He sits back and nods and nods and then asks me
|,«Jiat do I think I've made. Without hesitating, I say, 'A
phallic symbol.' You know," she added when I didn't
nd, "a penis." She laughed. "I don't. I try to make
nothing else, but just because everything I make has some

ely similar shape ..."
> She paused and shook her head at me.
*"How long are you going to be dumb? I talk to myself
ough as it is. Can't you talk to me and pretend to be dumb
the others? Forget it," she added quickly. "Do your
i thing. Everyone else does."
;<She looked away and when she turned back, the crazy

: in her eyes startled me.

|-*Today's visitors' day, you know. They'll be around to see
precious children working and. playing in therapy. My
probably won't come. You know my father won't,
you don't know that, but I'm telling you he won't,
j my mother will come," she added. She looked at me.
ader if anyone will come for you," she said,
ad suddenly, that became the most intriguing idea of


Visitors came throughout the remainder of the day. Some
t the time with their children in the lobby or rec room,


but most went outside and walked in the gardens. I saw that;
Lawrence's mother and father came to visit him. They were
an elegant-looking couple. His father was tall, easily six feet j
two or three, with graying hair. When he turned my way»J]
saw he had a strong, handsome face, his features chiseled J
much like Lawrence's. His mother was an attractive womaa|
who wore her light brown hair in a stylish bob. She worei|
pretty flowered dress and shiny black heels. From where f|
watched, it looked like Lawrence's parents were doing a$|
the talking. Occasionally, Lawrence nodded and then
turned and saw me staring at him and his parents through I
the window of the art studio. He looked embarrassed, half
smiled nevertheless and then moved his hands to
hello. I waved back and smiled. Both his parents looked myj
way and Lawrence quickly turned and continued to
His mother's gaze lingered on me a moment before
joined him and his father.

After that, I caught a glimpse of Mary Beth walking i
her mother. Mary Beth had her head down and her i
was talking so quickly it looked like she was giving 1
lecturing. Her mother was a very pretty woman, tall;
thin with shoulder-length blond hair that curled slight;
around her face. She looked like a model or an actress.'
disappeared around the corner, Mary Beth never raising I
head and her mother never stopping her lecture.

Megan, Lulu, and I remained in the studio wor
throughout the afternoon. No one came to see Lulu, < Megan let me know that her own mother had sent word I
couldn't be here today.

"It's not hard to figure out why she hates seeing
Megan muttered, sitting at my side again as I worked on I
sculpture. "She blames me for what my father did to \ Can you imagine that? She gets a divorce and she
me for her life now? I know it's true. You don't have to!
at me like that. The doctor agrees with me. Oh, he
come right out and say it, but he's met my mother i
agrees.

"So what? So let her blame me. Who needs her?" she*


"What did your father do to you?" I signed.
"What?" she said, as if suddenly realizing she had been
talking to me. "What are you saying? I cant understand all
those stupid hand movements. I don't know why you
suddenly can't talk. I thought finally, finally I would have
Someone with some brains to talk to and then you go and : tose your voice and start doing this. What are you saying?"
"She's asking you about your father," Miss Dungan said
as she passed us with an armful of colored paper.

"My father?" She turned to me. "Why are you so inter:
ested all of a sudden? You think I'm making things up? Is
- that it?"

-1 shook my head vigorously.

"Just mind your own business," she snapped and re
Mturned to her clay figure. Suddenly, she began pounding it
Ffimdly.
if' Miss Dungan came rushing over.

"Megan, what are you doing! Please honey, stop that,"
s said calmly. Megan continued to batter the clay until it
all shape. Then she sat down hard in her chair and

to laugh.

"Sorry," she said, "I guess there's nothing to analyze this
ek."

laughed again and then began to cry; but strangely,
ough there were tears flowing from her eyes, her face
ined still, her lips unmoving.

s'.'You better take a little rest, honey," Miss Dungan said
put her arm around Megan's shoulders. "Come on,"
urged. Megan stood and let herself be led out of the


([returned to my own sculpture for a while and then gazed
1 the window and saw that Lawrence's parents had gone,
s was alone, sitting on a bench, staring in at me.

hen Miss Dungan returned, I asked her if I could go

Side now.

tsuppose so, sure," she said. "We'll leave your piece just

f is and you can return to it tomorrow, okay?"


I nodded and left the studio. Lawrence looked up and
smiled warmly as I came down the pathway.

"Hi," he said. "How's your artwork coming along?"

I shook my head.

"I wouldn't exactly call it a work of art," I signed. He
seemed to understand and nodded. I liked the fact that he
didn't try to convince me otherwise and fill my head with
false ideas about being talented.

"You want to take a walk? If we go down the path there,
we can get a view of the ocean."

I turned and gazed in the direction he indicated.

"It's still pretty nice out," he continued. "My parents had
to leave early. They had a social function to attend. They usually do."

I turned back to him, hearing his note of displeasure.

"They're not crazy about coming here in the first place.
It's an embarrassment. I'm the only member of my family
to end up in a loony bin. Oh, I didn't mean it that way," he
said quickly. "I mean, I don't think of you as loony. I'm
loony, Megan's a real loon, but you're not."

"Something's wrong with me," I signed. I pointed to my
head and shook it.

"Whatever's wrong with you will be easily cured. You
won't be here anywhere near as long as I've been, I'm sure.
Want to walk?"

I was reluctant, but I finally agreed and we started down
the path.

"My father's a stockbroker," he said. "Very successful
one, too. He's got some high-profile clients, big portfolios. I
don't know exactly how rich we are, but I know we're really
rich. My mother usually buys whatever she wants. You
should see her closet. It's as big as some people's bedrooms.
She even has a vanity table in there.

I smiled.

"I'm not exaggerating," he said. "When I was a little boy,
I hid out in that closet. She always yelled at me for it. She's
got clothes hanging in there with the tags still on them. I
don't think she even remembers half the things she buys.


"And you should see her jewelry. She's got enough to
stock a small store. What about your mother? Have you
tried remembering her? Did you live in a big house?"

I thought and shook my head.

"No? That's strange. I bet your mother is probably the
first person you're going to remember. Well, there it is," he
said, stopping. I looked up.

Through the tall maple trees, I could see the ocean, its
blue sheen glimmering in the late afternoon sunlight.

I stepped back.

"What?" he said.

I shook my head.

"You're afraid of the ocean?" He thought a moment. "It
has something to do with what happened to you then. I was
reading about your problem. I looked it up in our library.
That's what I was doing when you came in with Mrs.
Broadhaven. The only way you're going to get well is for you
to confront what happened," he said. "That's Doctor
Southerby's job, to get you to do that."

He looked at the sea and then at me.

"You want to try to get closer? Maybe it will revive your
memory and--"

I shook my head emphatically.

"Okay," he said. "We'll go back, huh?"

I nodded, but chanced another glimpse of the water.
Images began to parade through my mind: faces, lobster
traps, boats, the beach, a cranberry bog, someone singing,
and then someone calling my name, whispering at first, and
then calling me louder, louder. vlt seemed like... I was
calling myself.

I felt my throat tighten with the effort to pronounce
someone else's name.

Lawrence's eyes widened as I brought my hands to my
neck and shook my head.

"Is something wrong? Are you all right? Laura?"

Impulsively, I threw myself into his arms and buried my
face against his shoulder as I sobbed, cried for reasons I


couldn't explain. All I wanted to do was cry and keep crying
until my well of tears went dry.

At first, Lawrence just stood there with his arms at his
sides, not knowing what to do. Then he embraced me slowly
and held me closely, kissed my hair, my temples, stroked
my back and kept repeating my name.

"Laura . . . Laura .. ."

Finally, my sobbing ended and I pulled back slowly. He
looked happy, but very concerned.

"Are you all right now?"

I nodded and he wiped the tears from my cheeks with his
handkerchief.

"I better get you back before they come looking for us,"
he said.

He turned me around and reached for my hand. We
started along the path again. This time, I didn't look back at
the ocean, not even for a second. I was happy when it
disappeared behind us, but I knew that soon, very soon, I
would have to return, perhaps by myself, and stare at the
water until the truth and my memory broke free of the chains I had thrown around it.

Only then would I get those chains off myself.


13

80


Close Call


It had three sessions with Doctor Southerby the following
^week. He was happy to see I was following his advice and
Hilling my journal with thoughts and feelings. He spent the
tftrst ten minutes reading them and then asking me ques
, tions about the things I had written, never insisting I try to
if I showed any reluctance. I performed my sign
age so spontaneously and gracefully, he joked about
having once been deaf. Then he grew serious and
aed to the idea that I talked to someone who was deaf
: a daily basis.

"That seems logical, doesn't it, Laura?" he asked.
!i| nodded, even though I felt I'd rather not answer. He had
' of holding his kind eyes on me firmly, but not with
lidation. I felt so captured by that gaze, a gaze filled
sincerity and compassion, that I could barely turn y. His eyes were mesmerizing. In fact, during our third
, he decided he would try hypnosis. I had no idea if
Flearned anything. One moment, I was staring ahead and
fcfcext, I was blinking and wondering how long I had been
i office. Did he get me to speak under hypnosis? If he
, he didn't mention it afterward.


"It's very good that you feel less and less anxious, Laura,
especially about being here," he explained after I had
agreed to be hypnotized. "Trust is essential if we are to
make any progress with your problems."

I smiled and nodded. I did trust him more and more, and
I even looked forward to our sessions. Some of the others,
especially Megan, thought that was strange.

"It's like enjoying someone putting his fingers through;
your skull and feeling around in your brain," she said after|
she had asked me a little about our sessions and saw I was!
happy talking and listening to Doctor Southerby.

When she heard I had permitted him to hypnotize me»|
she went bonkers.

"Are you really crazy? When you're out of it like that,} have no idea what he's doing to you. Maybe he took you
clothes off," she suggested. I started to laugh and her :
crumbled not with anger, but with sadness.

I tried to sign an explanation, tried to tell her how;
Doctor Southerby was and how he would never do son
thing like that, but the tears were filling her eyes quicklyj|

"I thought you were different. I thought you believed
and understood. Everyone else laughs at me."

I shook my head.

"I'm not laughing at you," I signed.

However, the tears were already streaming down
cheeks. She had her hands clenched into tiny fists and:
moment, I was afraid she might hit me.

"You mark my words," she flared. "You'll be
didn't listen to me someday. You will," she conclude
voice strong and hateful, as if she were pronounc
death. Then she marched away, her body straight, herj
extended and stiffly swinging like a toy soldier's,
was doing more and more of that, leaving us all and^
off by herself, closing her door in her room or
about outside, avoiding people.

My own periods of depression, my feelings of i
ness, had diminished, but not the inner voices
flashbacks. Doctor Southerby made me think as i


could about those I had described in my journal. He probed
my mind, his suggestions and questions resembling a scalpel
in the hands of a skilled and graceful surgeon, knowing
just when to push forward, when to pull back. If something
became too sensitive, my lips would begin to tremble. In
feet, my whole body would start to shake and my heart
would pound so hard and fast, I had trouble breathing.

He would stop, touch my shoulder, ask me to close my
*«yes and take deeper breaths. Then, he would change the
| Object, and soon, I would relax again. During our fourth
sion, he had Miss Dungan bring in the needlework I had
apleted and we talked about the picture, why I was
racted to it and what I thought about when I looked at it. :Most of my free time was spent in the arts and crafts
udio now. During my second visit there, I went from
Jpture to needlework. That day, I saw another patient
ping quietly in the corner and I walked over and watched for a while. My fingers felt as if I were doing the work
ong with her. Miss Dungan noticed my interest and

sted I try it. In minutes I was doing it comfortably.
"From the way you're at that," Miss Dungan said as she
gently, "I would safely say you've done it many
i before. I guess your fingers don't have amnesia," she
, smiling.

: let me choose my own picture and I had selected one
t little girl playing on the beach. As I filled in her legs, her
, and her face, the little girl became clearer and clearer
mind, flashes of her smile, her eyes, and even the
; of her voice popping in and out of my memory. It
icone I knew and loved very much. But who? Her
was on the tip of my tongue and her voice tingled > my head. All I had to do was think harder.
, every time I started to open one of the secret doors
{the truths about my past, I found it locked up tight.
; in me knew that as soon as I remembered one
ly, it would all come tumbling out of the remain;
places in my mind and with it, one terrible, terrible
y. Sometimes, the effort literally took my breath


away and I had to stop, close my eyes, and wait for the
trembling and the pain in my heart to pass.

"This is not unusual," Doctor Southerby told me when he
saw how distressed I was after he read about this in my journal. "There's a tug-of-war going on inside you, Laura,
and one day soon, the side of you that wants you to return to
the world will win and it will be over. I promise," he said.

He really made me feel good; he gave me hope.

I discussed most of this with Lawrence, who was there
waiting for me after every one of my sessions. He pretended
he had just happened to be in the corridor on his way to the
library or the rec room. I knew he was pretending, but I
didn't mind. I enjoyed teaching him more sign language and
then using what I taught him to explain and discuss things
with him.

"Maybe the whole world should use sign language, Laura,"
he told me one afternoon. "When you have to draw a
visual idea of your thoughts, you think about it more and
don't say as many stupid or cruel things to the people yo«~|
supposedly love and care for," he said.

I guessed from the way he lowered his eyes and thea^
looked away so I couldn't see the hurt on his face that
was really talking about his parents. Only his mother
visited him this last time and when I asked about it, he!
his father had to go off on a business trip.

"It's harder to lie to people through sign language,''
continued. "It's a greater commitment because it involv
more of yourself. Afterward, it's more difficult to
people, 'I didn't say that,' or 'That's not what I meant.''

He turned to me and sighed deeply, smiling through \ fog of depression.

"Maybe you're lucky not having anyone visit you,".
said. "That way no one close to you can lie to you."

I started to shake my head.

"We've always lied to each other in my family,"
continued bitterly. "My mother always says it's better t<j
little white lies and avoid unpleasantness. The thing of i
everyone knows everyone else is not telling the truth, 1


all make believe we don't. It's like ... like we tiptoe over
thin ice and it will just take a little nudge of the truth to
crack the world under us and drop us into oblivion.

"All I had to do this last time is say, 'I know you're lying,
Mom. Dad's not away on any trip. He just wouldn't come
this time.' He can't stand coming here. Every time he
comes, he wears this sour face, gazes around disgustedly. I
know what he's thinking. He's thinking, What's he doing
here? What's a son of his doing here?

"I don't want to be here either," Lawrence protested. "I
; don't I... I don't like being thought of this way. I lost all
my friends on the outside. How am I ever going to go back
|out there? What am I supposed to say when people ask me
prhere I've been and what I've been doing all this time?
; of them know anyway and will just treat me like some
: of leper."
|l He dropped his head and didn't raise it until I reached

: to touch his cheek. Then he smiled again.
|* "Now that you're here, I guess I don't mind it as much,"
ssaid. "At least you listen to me and I'm not afraid to talk
tyou."

it's because I don't talk; I just sign, so you can get
words in faster," I signed and he laughed. Then he

abruptly.

f don't laugh with anyone else," he told me. "Really, not
In with my parents. Especially not with my parents," he
"You're a special person, Laura. I know you are.
I's why I made myself concentrate and learn as much as
I about sign language. If that's the way you're going to
licate for the rest of your life, I'll be here to
ad and talk to you for the rest of mine," he


softness in his eyes reminded me of someone else's
fBven the sound of his voice was more than vaguely
r. If I closed my eyes and listened to him talk, I
... almost fell back through the darkness toward
t.
t Doctor Southerby about Lawrence, about our little


talks, when he asked me if I had made any friends. I aske^f
him about Megan and Mary Beth and Lulu. He didn't;
into detail, but just said they all had serious problems, 1
He assured me that everyone would get better in time,
they truly made the effort.

"You've got to want to help yourself. That's the key," ;
lectured. I knew he meant it as much for me as anyone <
in the clinic.

I told Lawrence that and he nodded.

"I admit I don't want to help myself as much as I shou
yet," he said. "Not yet. But," he added quickly, "the 1
you walk out of here, I'll work hard at following you."

Is that a promise? I inquired.

He nodded, and I was so happy for him that I le
forward on the bench and gave him a quick kiss on
cheek. His eyes nearly exploded. He raised his hands slow
and touched the place where my lips touched him, as if!
confirm they had indeed been there.

From that day forward, Lawrence looked at me
ently. His eyes would linger on my face longer. He
afraid to be caught staring at me, and if I did catch him,1
simply smiled. Most important, he stopped shaking whe
ever he was with me. I saw he was growing stronger in sk
ways, eating better, participating more in the recreatio
activities, talking more to the others.

One visitors' day, he appeared abruptly in the art i
Megan, Lulu, and I were the only ones there. Once ,
Megan's mother hadn't appeared and Lulu's mother
written to say she had an important legal obligation. Me
told her it probably had to do with her finding
lover.

"She'd rather be with him than with you here in
nuthouse," Megan said.

I wished she hadn't said such a thing. Whenever Lulu 1
trouble with her family, she acted even younger,
like a baby, crying and sulking until she had to be i
her room.

The moment I saw Lawrence in the doorway, I


ling dramatic and serious had happened. His face
i flushed, but he stood firm, his eyes full of excitement.
i hurried across the studio to me. I looked up from my

tint, a small, quizzical smile on my face.
"I did it," he bragged and strutted to the window. He
out at the gardens, at the other patients and their
lilies and then turned back to me. "I burst the bubble

y. I risked falling through the ice."
MHe turned. I held my smile.

"She came without him again. This time it was suppos
because of some major company problem. It's Sun
y!" he cried, raising his voice and his arms. "How can I be a major company problem? I told her she was lying
him and she couldn't deny it!"
The commotion caught Megan's attention. She left her

I of clay and approached, her tools still in hand.
"What's going on?" she demanded.
^-Lawrence turned and looked at her and then at me.
"Nothing," he said quickly.
She stared at him and then at me and then looked at him


oh, I see," she said, "secrets. You two have secrets
' she said, smirking. Then her face filled with fury, her
s blazing madly, her lips thinning. "So, keep your stupid
s. See if I care. See if anyone cares."
at's right," Lawrence said suddenly, surprising me by
backing down as usual. "We do have secrets. So mind
own business, okay?"

legan's mouth dropped and she turned to look at me. I
smiling at her, but she narrowed her eyes and shook
head. There was no retreat in her. A strange smile
ted her lips.

"You two have done it, haven't you?" she asked, stepping
him.

at?" He shifted his eyes to me and then to her,
; back as she stepped forward,
u've done it, haven't you, Lawrence?" she asked


disdainfully, her smile sharper. "You and Miss Laura Perfect
have joined at the waist."

"What? No," Lawrence said, shaking his head more^
vigorously.

"Sure you have," she pounced. "Where did you do it? I»]
your room? In hers? In the grass? Where?" Me
screamed.

"What's going on over there?" Miss Dungan said, look
up from across the room. She had been helping anot:
patient with his fingerpainting so intensely, she hada|
noticed what was happening in my corner of the room.!
hadn't even seen Lawrence enter the studio.

He looked her way anxiously, his eyes full of panic.

"Well, go ahead, Lawrence. Tell Miss Dungan
going on. Tell her where you two did it," Megan challe

Lawrence grew more terrified. He seemed unabl<
move. It was as if his feet had been nailed to the floor.'

I started to sign to him, but he was beginning to ;
harder, faster. Megan laughed. Miss Dungan rose
started toward us. Lawrence looked at me helplessly.

"I'll tell her myself then," Megan said. "I'll tell her
you two have been doing. I'll tell everyone," she
and started to turn toward Miss Dungan.

Lawrence rushed at Megan. I raised my arms and ;
aged a guttural noise, but it was too late. He grabbed i
around the neck. Miss Dungan screamed as he
Megan back. Her face turned crimson and she st
carving tool into Lawrence's wrist, but he didn't:
his grip until Miss Dungan grabbed his arm and I
push him away from Megan. Then he charged out oft
studio.

"He's bleeding," I signed at Miss Dungan.

"I know. Megan, are you all right?"

She was leaning against the table, gasping for
coughing and rubbing her neck.

"Yes, I'm all right," she managed. Then she blit
as if she were trying to get something out of her (


i-H»niing back to Miss Dungan. "You saw it," she said. "He
ried to rape me."
"What?"

I shook my head when Miss Dungan looked to me.
"He tried to rape me. All of a sudden, he was at me and if
[didn't fight him off--" She looked at me. "He raped you,
3, didn't he? Tell her! He came into your room one night,"
j continued, her eyes widening with the elaboration, "and
; his hand over your mouth and--" shook my head more vigorously.
"No, no," I signed.

legan stopped, the tears rolling down her cheeks. She
, a deep, painful breath.

hy don't you people believe me?" she asked tearfully,
laybe you should go to the infirmary, Megan," Miss
said softly. She stepped up to her and put her arm
1 Megan's waist. "Come along. Let Mrs. Cohen check tower ."

f*m all right," Megan insisted, pulling away abruptly. "I
: him off. He didn't do anything. But he could have,"
Jed quickly. She fixed her wild, angry eyes on me.
weren't much help," she told me. Then she spun
tod and returned to her clay, as if nothing had hap;
Dungan and I watched her for a moment. She was
; and working more vigorously on her clay.
Jiave to see about Lawrence," Miss Dungan said. "Are
i right?"

I signed, "but I'm worried about Lawrence."
I see about him," she said and went to her intercom,


ace frightened himself more than anyone else. The
ats found him down by the ocean, sitting on a rock.
I walked through the water, soaking his shoes, socks,
s, and was hugging his knees, his head down, when
ated him. He was shaking so badly from his panic
(chill of the ocean water, he had to be taken to the


infirmary. Later, I found out his hands were clenched into
fists so tightly, he nearly stopped the blood circulation to his
fingers and he dug his fingernails into his skin until his
palms bled. He had to be put on tranquilizers. They called
his parents, but neither his mother nor his father visited. I
was worried so much about him, I didn't think much about
myself for days and my session with Doctor Southerby
didn't go as well as usual.

A week later, Lawrence was released from the infirmary.
In the meantime, Megan had behaved as if nothing at all
had happened. She hadn't told a soul about the incident and
had never brought it up with me. She often abruptly went
from being as mute as me to talking incessantly abou^
everything and everyone, mainly at the dinner table. Lului
and Mary Beth inquired after Lawrence and were simply, |
told he wasn't feeling well. In this place, everyone accept
that as enough and didn't follow up with more persiste
inquiries.

As if she felt she had to direct her slings and arrows;
someone new, Megan zeroed in on different patients in 1
cafeteria and complained about the way they ate, talked, <
moped about. She seemed to know everyone else's
lems and always laid the blame on his or her father. She \ so cruel to Lulu at times when it came to Lulu's father, 11
to intervene, pulling Lulu's attention away and teaching^
sign language.

"Why don't you just stop this already," Megan
me. "You were talking when you came here. It's just anj
an act to get them all to feel sorry for you. Oh," shei
suddenly, her eyes shifting away from me, "look
better."

Everyone turned to see Lawrence enter the cafeteria.'!
looked like his old self; unfortunately, that meant thaW
again he was unsure, timid, eyes downcast. He av
looking our way and walked directly to the foodji
stepping back when another patient went to reach!
second dessert. He didn't come to our table after I
gotten his food either. Instead, he sat at the first"!


available, one at which two younger boys ate, neither
showing any interest in him, nor anyone else for that I matter.

"Why doesn't Lawrence sit with us?" Mary Beth asked.
"He's probably too ashamed of himself," Megan said.
|*'He peed in his pants," she whispered to Lulu. "Just like
fyou do sometimes. Did you know that Lulu here has to wear
| diapers every once in a while?"

"Stop it!" I shouted emphatically with my hands as I |*oodup.
f-* "What's the matter with you, Laura Perfect?" Megan

'You never wore diapers?"

I marched away from the table and joined Lawrence. He
oked up with surprise as I sat beside him. I smiled and

him how he was.

"I'm okay," he said softly, dropping his eyes. "I'm sorry if
[embarrassed you."

it forced him to look at me and told him I wasn't
Megan was the one who should have been
I Now she was pretending it never happened.
: shot a quick look her way. She was glaring at us.

don't have to worry about her," I continued. "She
n't want anyone to talk about it. It's almost as if she

iy came down with a case of amnesia."
(looked a little relieved, but I noticed how peaked and
I he was. Later, I learned that was probably an effect of
iication he had been given. It took the better part of
full day before he regained some of his newfound
and outgoingness. He joined us in the rec room 1 lunch the next day and watched me play a game of
; with Mary Beth.

i was in one of her mute moods again that day. She
ily uttered a word, and when Lawrence sat down I me, she looked away and then started singing under
After a while, we all turned to her. She was I out the window and we heard, "Twinkle, twinkle,
r, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world
, like a diamond in the sky ..."


"I've been doing a lot of reading lately about some oft
Megan feels responsible for what happened to her.
blames herself and she looks for sympathy. It's all
knows how to do at the moment," he said. "The
have got to make her see what happened to her was not 1
fault."

"Maybe you're talking about yourself," Mary
snapped, her eyes furious.

He gazed up at her.

"Maybe," he admitted and then looked at me. "Ma
I'm talking about all of us."

I shuddered and looked around at all the other patie
Someone from the outside sticking their head in the <
way to gaze at us might not easily understand how troub
most of us were. For the moment, everyone looked
normal as anyone on the outside--playing cards,
watching television and laughing, talking, and reading.

It struck me how difficult it was to know about some
simply by looking at them. Maybe it took years and;
before anyone really knew anyone. Lawrence was |
more and more attached to me, but what if all th
remembered would devastate him? What if I were i
like the people he despised? Would my true self» identity, come rushing back over me and wipe av
identity I had established with him? He and I were \ strangers, a pair of lost souls who happened to meet ]
while and soon had to return to our bodies, and
bodies might not be so attracted to each other after
thought.

"I feel like going outside," I said and stood up.

Mary Beth and Lawrence looked at each other an
smiled.

"What? Why are you two looking at me like that?

"You can't go outside now," Mary Beth said.'"
are locked, and if you tried to open them, the i
go off."

"We are prisoners here," I moaned. "All I want 1
walk in the garden, look up at the stars, feel the ;


at's so terrible about that? Why won't they let us out at
lit?"

"It's dark," Mary Beth said. "They can't keep watch over
i as easily."
I flopped back into my chair, sullen, my arms wrapped

id me.

"I could get you outside," Lawrence whispered.
Mary Beth widened her eyes,
i "No, Lawrence. You'll get into big trouble."
"How?" I asked.

I^The cafeteria staff is gone by now. They go in and out
a side entrance off the kitchen. It's not locked and
e's no alarm on it."
low do you know that?" I asked.
Ie hesitated and then leaned toward me.
f did it once. I thought I was going to run away, but the

I stepped out the door, I froze," he confessed.
i were silent a moment.

I'm going back to Lulu," Mary Beth said. The conversa
| was obviously frightening her. Lawrence watched her
:. to the table before he continued.	^
(knowhow she feels. When darkness falls and the doors
ed, the outside of the building feels and looks like
side world. It's as if the boundaries of this place
, She's not ready to return, so she's even afraid of the
; of going out at night," he explained,
know a lot about everyone, Lawrence. You could
|and become a doctor yourself," I said. I really meant
blushed at the compliment. v Sjust that I spend a lot of time in the library. Most of
pie here don't know what's available." He leaned
I me again. "There's even a book by the head doctor, 1 Scanlon," he said. "Causes of Family Dysfunction.
: read it, I thought he was using my family as his
; material for the book."

' he was waiting for me to comment, but I couldn't
i feeling of restlessness. It felt like a hive of bees was
[inside me. I had to see the stars, feel the night air.


"Will you take me to the kitchen?" I asked finally.

"Really?"

"I want to go outside and look up at the stars. I think tt|
might help me. There's something about the stars... i
Something that's teasing my memory," I explained. "8
would mean a lot to me."

He grew serious.

"All right," he said after a moment's thought, "we'll i
it." He gazed at the attendants. "You go out first so we donl
look suspicious. Go to the bathroom, wait a minute,
then come out. I'll be down the hall and if it's all clear to t
cafeteria, I'll wave you on. Are you sure you want to do 1
They could send you or me or both of us upstairs and ;
know what that could mean," he added.

"I don't want to get you into trouble, Lawrence,
you should just tell me where it is instead of showing me."

"No»" he insisted. "I want to do this for you. Go ahe
Go to the bathroom and give me a minute."

I still hesitated. He nodded toward the door, urging i
on. I looked at the attendants and then rose as quietly asj
could. Nevertheless, one of the attendants gazed at me asj
approached the door. I smiled at her and mouthed the i
"bathroom." She smiled back at me and I left the room,
waited just as Lawrence had told me and then I stepped i
of the bathroom. The hallway was empty, but up toward 1
cafeteria, Lawrence appeared, stepping out of a door
He gestured for me to hurry.

I practically ran to him and we went through the door
and then into the cafeteria. All the lights were out now, I
there was enough of a glow from the lights outside
silhouette all the tables and chairs so we didn't bump ii
anything and make any noise. Lawrence moved quickly!
the kitchen doors, then held up his hand for me to stop i
be still as he listened. He slowly opened the doors.

There was a small light on over the stove. From what 1
could see, there was no one around.

"This way," he whispered. We walked through the I


i to the pantry and then to a small hallway. "That's it," he
aid, nodding at a metal door at the end of the hallway.
. "Thank you," I said. I approached the door sfowly and

i looked back at him.
"They're going to start looking for you soon, Laura,
en they don't find you in the bathroom, there's going to
r trouble,"
"If they ask, tell them I went to my room for something,"
|said. "I won't be long."

"I'd like to come with you," he said, but he seemed
apable of taking another step forward. "It's just
t..."

"It's all right. You've done enough, Lawrence. Go back
fore you're missed, too. I'll be fine," I said.
'I reached for the door. When I opened it, I hesitated,
aid there might be an alarm he didn't know about, but
ling happened except the cool night air came rushing in I me.	^"x
"If you don't come right back--"
"I will. I promise," I said.
ft could see that he was shaking. He wanted to pierce that
visible border so much. I stepped out and closed the door
hind me quickly to end his suffering as much as to give
' the courage. For a moment, I simply stood there,
aing to the sounds of the night. Then I walked away
i the building so I could get away from all the lights.
|t was a night filled with stars, clear and sharp so that the
illations were easy to locate. My eyes traced the length the Big Dipper. The mere sight of the luminous dots
ling above me took my breath away. I had to sit. I
a't even notice the coolness anymore. Words, pictures,
I thoughts were rushing at me like shooting stars them,
approaching and then veering away just when I was
; to understand something or see something clearly,
{dosed my eyes and sat back, my arms stretched out, my
i open, palms up, waiting to be touched, to accept my
tity and everything that would follow. I thought I felt


another hand in mine and I could hear a voice, a young
man's voice, whispering, his lips so dose I could almost feel
them brushing against my ear.

I moaned. His face began to rise out of the black pit of
forgetfulness, first his eyes and then his lips and then--

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I heard and
opened my eyes to see Billy standing there, smoking a
cigarette. He had a wry smile on his face. "Huh?"

"Nothing," I said.

"How did you get out here?" he asked sharply.

"I just wanted to see the stars," I said. I started to stand
and he stepped toward me, flicked his cigarette, and contin- "" ued to move until he was between me and the building.

"Tell me how you got out," he demanded.

"I just found a door that wasn't locked and walked out," I
said. He was close enough so that I could see his eyes 5
narrow suspiciously.

"Just found a door, huh? Are you sure you didn't come,
out here to meet someone? Huh? Someone named Arnie by |
any chance?"

"What? Who?" I said, shaking my head.

"Arnie's had his eye on you."

"I'm not meeting anyone. I don't even know who
is," I insisted and tried to go around him, but he stepp
quickly into my path.

"I know how you young girls can get, locked up like tt
away from your boyfriends," he continued, drawing closer. J
retreated a few steps. "Arnie's a joke. I know how to
my girls." The right corner of his mouth rose into
impish, lusty smile.

He reached out and put his hands on my waist.

"Let me show you," he said, pulling me toward him:
bringing his lips toward my mouth. I turned away just' time and started to struggle as his hands moved over :
ribs toward my breasts.

"Let me go!"

"Come on. There's nothing really wrong with you,"
said, trying to get me to turn my mouth to his. "You're I


prettiest girl here. I've been watching you ever since you
arrived here, and I know you've been looking at me, too.
Come on," he urged, cupping my breast with one hand
while the other lifted my skirt.

I squirmed and struggled.

"If you don't cooperate, I'll turn you in," he threatened.
"I'll get you and whoever helped you into big trouble. You'll
end up in a straitjacket like Megan. Stop fighting," he
insisted. "Stop it!"

I was afraid so I stopped squirming and his hand moved
up my leg, over my panties, his fingers tracing the trim along
the edge and then he lifted them away. I sobbed as he ran his
fingers over me.

"\bu're sweet," he said, putting the tip of his tongue in
my ear.

"Please," I pleaded.

"I'm not going to hurt you. You'll like this/'^e said,

moving me back to the bench. I could sense he was undoing

his trousers with his left hand as his right continued to

move over my breast and then moved to undo the buttons

i of my blouse, slipping in to struggle with my bra.

"You're beautiful, so beautiful," he muttered

I started to cry and to pull away again.

"Laura, don't make me angry," he said, stopping my
.resistance.

Suddenly, both of his hands were under my skirt. He

lied my panties down as he nudged me onto the bench. I
; afraid to scream. I thought I would faint and then ...
omeone whispered my name. Although the voice wasn't
it was close.

"Laura!" Billy froze, still holding his hands on my thighs.

aura, you better come back inside."

"Who the hell's that? Lawrence?"

i"Let me go," I said, pulling free and stepping away from
I pulled up my panties quickly.

"LAURA!"

^Get out of my way," I told Billy. He thought a moment,
i toward the building, and then let me pass.


"You tell anyone about me and I'll tell about you," Billy
cried as I ran toward the kitchen doorway. Lawrence was; standing there with the door open. I ran toward him.

"What's wrong?" He looked at me aghast, jumping back|
as I pushed him out of the way and slammed the door.

"Let's get back to the rec room," I said. I didn't want hira^
knowing about Billy and doing anything rash. It would only J
get him in trouble, I thought. It struck me that even in her]
madness, Megan might not have been so wrong about some ;
of the men in this place.

Lawrence caught up with me outside the cafeteria and j
seized my hand, turning me back to him.

"What happened out there?" he demanded. "You lo
like you've seen a ghost. You're so pale and--"

"I almost. .. remembered someone," I said. "Someon
special."

"Special?"

"Someone very special," I added.

He understood. His eyes flinched with pain and hftj
released my hand.

"Oh. Well that's good," he said. Then he smiled. "Thaf*!
good, only ... I wish that someone were me."


I woke the next morning feeling as if my bed had been i
boat adrift on the sea as I tried to sleep. That was how mil
I had tossed and turned. I was exhausted, drained. It was i
if all the memories that had drifted away had come
during the night and added weight to my head. They lay i
waiting now, bunched in a knot, anticipating my unr
them and returning them to their rightful places.

I strained to sit up, my head spinning for a moment, i
grew so dizzy, I lost my breath. When something like i
had happened earlier, Doctor Southerby described it as i
anxiety attack. He advised me to try to relax, take
breaths, and concentrate on something pleasant.

Even after I had done what he had advised, my head i felt like it might just snap off my neck. I wobbled when i
walked and a number of times, stopped to press my hand t


the wall to steady myself. My stomach was hollow, empty,
I feut I had no appetite. When I gazed at myself in the mirror,
' I saw how drained I looked, how pale my face was and how
i my eyes were empty, without thoughts behind them, orbs of
rglass that merely reflected whatever was in front of me.

My hands shook when I went to wash my face. Had I
i caught Lawrence's panic attacks? I had a ten o'clock ap|
pointment with Dr. Scanlon today. I realized I was afraid,
afraid of having to meet and confide in a new doctor,
fespecially after it took me so long to trust Doctor
Poutherby.

Somehow, I managed to get myself to breakfast, although
fl couldn't remember walking there. I must have looked like
icone floating in a dream, sleepwalking her way through
|the clinic. Everyone was there already and starting to
ider about me.

"You don't look so good," Lawrence said.
I blinked and realized I was standing in the middle of the
| cafeteria. He was just heading back to the table with his


"I don't feel so good this morning."
b "Why don't you sit at the table and I'll go get you what
ffou want," he offered.

"Thanks, but I'm not that hungry. I'll be all right," I said
I went to the line.

I barely picked at my breakfast. Lawrence grew more and
ore concerned about me.
"Maybe you should go see the nurse," he said.
"No, I'll be all right. It will pass," I assured him, even

: I wasn't so sure myself.

He wanted to stay with me and be sure I was okay, but he
his therapy session right after breakfast and had to
ave. He did escort me to the rec room lounge before he
at off to talk to his therapist.

As the hour of my first meeting with my new doctor drew
r, my heart began to thump and my dizziness became
i intense, I had to sit with my eyes closed and wait for the
to pass. Finally, I felt someone nudge my arm and


looked up at Mrs. Kleckner. She was squinting, her forehead
creased in thick folds. Her complexion was as gray as
her hair, the tiny veins at the crests of her bony cheeks more
vivid and more like crimson spiderwebs than ever.

"It's nearly ten o'clock. You're going to miss your appointment,"
she said.

"I don't feel so good," I groaned.

She stared down at me.

"Do you have any pain?" she asked.

"Not pain exactly. I have these dizzy spells and feel
nauseated every once in a while." I put my hand on my
stomach.

She lifted my wrist and took my pulse. Then she felt my
forehead. The palm of her hand was clammy, cold, and
rough.

"You're fine," she said.

"But I'm sick. I feel very sick," I insisted.

"It's all part of your condition. That's why you have to
see the doctor," she concluded abruptly. "Get up. I'll escort
you to his office. Come on. He's a busy man. You should
count yourself one of the luckier ones to have Doctor
Scanlon look into your case. Frankly, I think there are a
number of far more serious patients for him to consider, but
I'm not the one who gets to make that decision. Unfortunately."

She held out her hand. Reluctantly, I took it. I was afraid
I might topple over if I didn't. After I stood, she put her
hand behind my back and gave me a firm push, keeping the
pressure against my back until I started walking out of the
room. I felt a little stronger as we continued down the hall. My eyes went longingly to Doctor Southerby's closed office'
door as we passed it.

"Keep going," she said. "Come along. The clock «]
ticking. Even the wealthy can't bribe Father Time," i muttered.

We stopped at room 101 and she opened the door for me.|

"Laura Logan," she announced as I entered.

A small woman in her late fifties looked up from her desk, |


Her light brown hair was streaked with gray and she had
gelatinous dull brown eyes hidden behind a pair of thick
rimmed glasses with rather large lenses. Her thin nose had a
bump at the bridge that seemed to have been made specifically
for her glasses. She stretched her uneven lips a bit in a
weak effort to smile and turned to find a folder on the desk.
"One moment, please," she said, rose, and walked to the
inner office door. She wasn't much more than five feet tall,
wide in the hips with thick calves barely visible beneath the
hem of her lavender knit dress. She knocked, entered, and
closed the door behind her. A moment later she reappeared.
"The doctor will see you now," she told me.
"Behave yourself," Mrs. Kleckner advised and released
her grip on my elbow.

I glanced at her disgruntled face and then walked into the
office, past the receptionist, who stood like a statue, her
back straight/ her shoulders against the door. It was as
though she were afraid I might touch and contaminate her.
She stepped out and closed the door as soon as I had
entered. I looked back and then turned to Doctor Scanlon.
Now that I was in his office confronting him, I recalled
seeing him in the building a number of times, but I had
never thought of him as a doctor, much less the head doctor.
I thought he was always in a great hurry and imagined him
to be some sort of salesman. He never looked at anyone in
particular or smiled, nor had I ever seen him in a conversation
with a patient, as I had other therapists, especially
: Doctor Southerby.

Doctor Scanlon wasn't much taller than his receptionist. : He had hair the color of weak tea. The strands were so thin
|his scalp was visible and I could see that his head was
| covered with spots that looked like enlarged freckles.

: the moment, Dr. Scanlon had his back to me and was
out his window. His office faced the rear of the
I building and the pathway that led down toward the ocean. It
fwas where I had sat on the bench the night before, when had accosted me.
turned and looked at me, his hazel eyes wide with


interest, but an interest that gave me the feeling I was under
a microscope.

"Take a seat please," he ordered* nodding to the chair in
front of his desk. "I like my patients to face me during their
initial consultation. Later, you can lie on the couch if you
like. Patients," he continued, pronouncing the word as if it
designated an alien species, "can sometimes free associate
easier when they're lying down. Did you sit or lie on the
couch with Doctor Southerby?" he asked quickly after I sat

"I sat," I replied.

He nodded and then gazed down at the folder his
receptionist had brought in before I had entered. Still
standing, he turned the pages, reading as if I weren't even
there. Then he nodded and closed the folder. He dropped
himself into his oversized chair, folded his hands on his
desk, and leaned toward me.

"I'm Doctor Scanlon and I'm going to try to help you," he
began.

"Why can't I stay with Doctor Southerby?" I demanded
in response.

He didn't answer immediately. First, he closed his eyes,
and held them that way for a moment, as if my question had
given him great pain, and then opened them.

"Doctor Southerby works at another clinic as well as,
here. Actually, he has more responsibility at the other
clinic. His patients at the other clinic now need more of his \ time and he had to cut back on his responsibilities at this j
clinic," Doctor Scanlon explained with obvious reluctance;

"We are a bit short of professional help these days,"
continued. "Normally, I don't take as direct a role in
treatment of our patients. I'm here to consult and assist i
confirm a diagnosis and treatment, but he left a gap and l
gap must be filled," he added, giving me what I
must have been his best efforts at a smile. I didn't'
liked being referred to as a gap.

"So," he went on, leaning back in his chair now,
you were brought here, you were diagnosed with psyc
ic amnesia and Doctor Southerby was helping you i


your past, helping you find your identity. I see from his
notes that he was happy with your progress."

"I remembered more yesterday," I said quickly. I wanted
to get this session over with as soon as I could. I felt very
uncomfortable. It was clear to me that Doctor Scanlon
didn't have Doctor Southerby's sincerity. He saw me less as
a person and more as a patient, another statistic. In my way
of thinking, the patients were lucky he usually didn't take a
direct role in their treatment.

"Oh? And you had some sort of a reaction to that, I see. I
have a report here," he continued, opening the folder again,
"that you exhibited some acting out yesterday."

"Pardon me? Acting out?"

"You were running wild in the corridors, nearly knocked
over a custodian, screamed hysterically, made demands,
and nearly had to be restrained."

"I was excited. I wanted to see Doctor Southerby," I said.
"I didn't mean to be loud, and I don't think I needed to be
restrained."

"Umm-hmm," he groaned, without looking at me. He
continued to stare at the papers before him. How quickly r Mrs. Kleckner had written me up, I thought.

"I wasn't hysterical. I was excited about my memories," I
added firmly.

He did smile, but it wasn't warm.

"You're here because you're having trouble evaluating
|«nd controlling your own behavior, Laura. It's best we give

isideration to the way the professional staff evaluates
behavior, don't you think? Now, what was it that got
so excited?" he asked, but looked down at the folder

am.

"I remembered my little sister's name and I remembered
thad a twin brother," I blurted, impatient with the pace of

Ungs. If he kept reading something after everything I said,
[would be here all day, I thought. And besides, why hadn't

s prepared for me better?

"Really?" He fixed his eyes on me. "What else did you
11?"


"Visions of faces, memories of voices I know belong tel
my parents. I think we have something to do with lobster j
fishing and we have a boat and we live near the ocean and f
my little sister is deaf," I said, trying to contain myj
exuberance so it wouldn't be misinterpreted. However, as n
told him these things, they began to reappear in my mind]
My heart began to pound again and I closed my eyes.

"Why do you think you had forgotten them and your*| self?" he asked.

"I don't know."

He sat back, again lifting the corners of his lips into I
arrogant smirk.

"Well, I can see from Doctor Southerby's notes that;
have at least come to the understanding it might havef
something to do with an event that disturbed you greatly, f
What we call psychological trauma. Is that still true?"

"Yes," I admitted, my lips trembling again.

He leaned forward, once again fixing me under hisj
microscopic gaze.

"You look very tired. You didn't sleep well last night?"*

"No," I said. "I kept waking, hearing voices, he
someone call, someone who sounded like me. And then I|
felt very cold. It was as if I. . ."

"What?"

"I was soaking wet," I said, realizing just at the mome
exactly what it was I had felt. "Yes, that's what it
something to do with water . .. the ocean."

His eyes widened.

"I see. I don't like this," he suddenly added. "Take a deepf
breath and try to stop yourself from thinking about the
things for the moment."

"What? What do you mean? Stop? Why should I stop?" 11
fired my questions like bullets that seemed to just bouc
off his coldly analytical face.

"I don't like what's happening to you physically. It'if
classic. You're rushing back too quickly, I'm afraid. You'p
in danger of crashing into your trauma and that could cau
irrevocable damage, psychological damage. There are


iiber of similar cases in my ward for severely disabled
ients. Some have become comatose and live off mtrave
feeding, and some have to be led around like
atomized people, mere shadows of themselves, never
iling, never laughing, blind and deaf, the walking dead,
f You don't want that to happen to you, do you?"

"No," 1 said, terrified. "Could something like that really
ppen to me?"

"Of course it could. I wouldn't tell you otherwise. I read
j that you've already lost your ability to speak once. I'm
ng you not to frighten you as much as get you to be more
fcooperative. I like a patient who wants to cooperate with his
own treatment. It makes it easier for all of us,
Jly the patient."
He widened that short, tight smile.
"The brain is the most complex part of our bodies. There
: layers and layers of conscious and unconscious thoughts,
memories are like buried treasure right now," he
ntinued, "and the pathways to them have been shut
i. If we reach too quickly or too clumsily for them, they Id fall deeper and deeper into the abyss. We must be
very careful how we go forward."
: paused and flipped through the folder again, shaking
; head with disapproval.

"I see that Doctor Southerby failed to prescribe any
Dedication for you. From the way you've described your
bts, I think it would be wiser at this stage if we did. I
nt to be very careful with you, Laura. You're very tender,
' sensitive, raw at this moment, and we have medication
: can cushion you, protect you."
don't like taking medications."

"No one likes taking them, except those who become
iicted to them, of course," he added. He wrote some;
on a pad.

"Won't I ever see Doctor Southerby again?" I asked
aournfully.

"Hopefully, you will be cured and gone by that time," he
lid. "I'm sure you'd like that better, wouldn't you? You do


want to go home, home to that little sister who needs yousj
and your twin brother and your parents, who I am sure i
you."	a

"Welt, where are they then?" I asked. "Why don't thejfif
come to see me?"

My question startled him.

"In your case, it is not advisable just yet. Too much too |
soon, as I said, could cause you to have a breakdown and <
what I just described: drive your past even farther away."

"Why?"	-fl

He hesitated.	jt|

"I'm not sure it's wise to tell you that just yet."

"I have to know. Why?" I insisted.

"Very well. It's because what happened to you is son
thing you blame yourself for. You are the way you are|
because of guilt," he explained*

"So then, whatever happened was my fault? What did 1
do that was so terrible?"

"Maybe nothing," he said, "or maybe something
contributed to a tragedy," he continued. "You have
proceed in steps. First, gradually return to yourself and the
deal with the guilt. Okay?"

"No. It's not okay. Why doesn't my family come to i
me?" I exclaimed.

"There are frequent reports," he said.

"Reports? I would never be satisfied with only
Did I do something that hurt them? Is that why I suffer 1
guilt?"

"You know it's better if you make your own discoverie
he said rather dryly.

I thought for a moment. Could it be that my
weren't any better than Lawrence's or Megan's?

"No, I don't want to wait anymore. I want to
everything, and now," I said.

"Miss Logan--"

"And I want to see Doctor Southerby. I have to see 1
have to tell him what's happened. He can help me. 11


he can help me. Please." f started to cry, my sobs growing
stronger, longer with every passing second.

"Miss Logan, get hold of yourself."

"WHY. . . DON'T MY PARENTS . . . COME TO SEE
ME?" I screamed.

He pushed a button on his desk and then he rose. The
office door opened and Mrs. Kleckner and a male attendant
came rushing in. The look in the attendant's eyes frightened
me.

"We're acting out again," Doctor Scanlon announced, as
though he and I were conspirators. "I think it would be
better for now if she went upstairs. **

"Upstairs?" I said, looking at them. "NO!"

I leaped up and stepped away from them, shaking my
head.

"Easy," the attendant said, moving slowly toward me.
"My name is Arnie. Don't worry, I'll take good care of
you."

"I'm not going to the Tower!"

"Whoever gave that floor that ridiculous name?" Doctor
Scanlon asked Mrs. Kleckner.

"One of our patients, I'm sure, Doctor." She turned to
me. "Now, don't make this any harder on yourself than it
has to be. You have to do what the doctor says. Come
along," she said

I shook my head.

"Please, I'll be good. I swear I'll be good. I'll go back to
my room. I won't complain. I- won't ask for Doctor
Southerby anymore. Leave me alone. Please," I pleaded.

"Now, now, don't be afraid," Doctor Scanlon said.

"We're here to help you, Laura. We won't let anything bad

happen to you. You know, you have a grandmother, too,

and she would be even more upset than your parents if we

did anything to harm you," he added with a cold smile.

"My grandmother?"

Flashes of an older woman standing outside a car, looking ; in at me, shaking her head with disgust, returned. She had


sent me here and I couldn't recall any expression of love in
her angry face. What had I done to displease my whole
family?

"NO!" I cried. "Stay away from me. Leave me alone." I
held my hands out.

Arnie came around behind me and swiftly brought my
arms down to my sides. I had little strength to fight him and soon he held me tightly in his grasp. Doctor Scanlon rushed
around the desk and Mrs. Kleckner pulled up the sleeve on
my blouse. I struggled and squirmed, but Arnie was too
strong. Doctor Scanlon poked me with a syringe.

"You're going to be fine. Everything will be all right," he
murmured. "Take it easy. Relax. That's it."

"My head," I moaned, "feels so heavy. It's felt so heavy
all morning."

"That's right. Close your eyes. Get a wheelchair," he
ordered.
Moments later, I felt myself being lowered into a wheel-, chair
and then a strap was pulled tightly around my waist. |
Arnie's strong hand kept my shoulders back when I tried to
sit forward.

"Just take it easy," Mrs. Kleckner said.

"Put her in three-oh-seven," Doctor Scanlon said.

As they began to wheel me away, I had barely enoughj
strength to utter one last request.

"I want... Doctor Southerby. He can help me. I want 1
see him."

"I want, I want, I want," Mrs. Kleckner chanted beb
me. "That's all you patients ever say."

Arnie laughed. I heard an elevator door open and op
my eyes as they wheeled me in. The door closed.
Kleckner smiled down at me.

"I knew this one belonged upstairs," she said.

And then, all went black.


15

0 pounds


I Remember You


j When I opened my eyes again, I thought I was still asleep,
[still dreaming. I felt like I was floating, hovering just above ftoy bed, looking down at the empty shell of my body. My
^surroundings were white and sterile, more like an examinaSion
room. The walls were bare and the small windows had
j^heir dark gray curtains drawn closed so tightly they looked
together. The door of the room was slightly ajar and
augh the crack between it and the jamb came the only
it, a dull, yellowish glow.

My bed smelled strongly of starch. The sheet was stiff and
ed tightly around me. Because my pillow was so soft,
head was barely raised. When I turned to look around
: room, I saw there was a table with a long top drawer and
l counter of some imitation wood beside the bed. On it was
l ivory-white bedpan and a metal bowl with a washcloth
aped over the edge.

jp'When I tried to sit up, I was shocked to discover I was
apped down, thick belts of leather across the top of my
dy, just under my breasts, my arms tucked against my
s, and another belt across my legs. I could barely move.


It put a hot ball of panic in my stomach that rolled from
side to side.

"Help me!" I cried. "Someone, please."

I waited, but heard nothing, no footsteps, no voices,
nothing. I cried out again, waited, and cried out once more.
The silence was maddening. Wasn't there anyone else here?
My struggle against the straps was futile, even painful. I
sighed deeply and gave up, closing my eyes and whimpering
softly.

I must have fallen asleep again, because when I opened
my eyes, I heard water running in the sink. There was
someone in my bathroom.

"Who's there?" I called.

Moments later a tall, thin woman with rust-color hair
stepped out. I could see her shoulder bones outlined against
her white uniform. She had long arms with jutting wrist
bones and very long hands, hands that looked strong and
capable. When she circled the bed and came around on my
right, I could see her face more clearly.

She looked half asleep herself, her eyelids drooping so
that there were barely two slits revealing small hazel pupils.:
She had a long thin nose and a very wide mouth above a
cleft chin. She reminded me of Mary Beth and I wondered if I
she were suffering from anorexia, too. If so, why wasn't sntf
a patient instead of an employee?

She didn't seem impressed with the fact that I was awake, |
She moved about the room as if she had been taking care <
me for weeks and weeks. It made me wonder just how long|
had been here. Without greeting me, in fact barely'. at me, she placed the basin of water on the table and ]
back the sheet to undo the straps.

"You have to sit up. I'm going to wash you down a bit,!
she mumbled. Her voice was so deep it sounded almc
manly. This close to me, I could see tiny black hairs i
at the side of her chin. "And then I'll give you something!
eat," she said.

As she spoke, she avoided looking directly at me.


"What happened to me?" I asked. "Why was I strapped
into bed?"

She paused and finally glanced at me.
"I don't know," she said and continued undoing the
straps. "Can you sit up by yourself?" she asked.
"Where am I? Who are you?"

"My name is Clare. You're in room three-oh-seven," she
said. "Can you sit up please."

I thought hard and vaguely recalled the events that led to
my being brought upstairs.

"I need to see Doctor Southerby," I said. "Can you tell
him Laura Logan needs to see him as soon as possible? It's
very important."

Tm just a nurse's aide," she said. "I don't tell anyone
anything."

She began to wash my right hand and my arm with as
; much interest as she would have in washing a dirty dish.
"I can do that myself," I said, anger rushing in to replace
"Why was I strapped down in bed? Why can't I get up
l«nd walk around? Can't I just take a shower or a bath?"

She kept washing and rinsing as if I hadn't said a word.
| My anger began to simmer my blood into a rolling boil.
''Can't you tell me anything?" I demanded as forcefully
: I could.
She paused.

"I have some meat loaf, mashed potatoes, peas and
arrots, some bread, apple juice, and strawberry Jell-O."
""What?"

, "That's your supper," she said.'"That's all I can tell you. fs all I know."

e started on my other hand and arm. I pulled it back
ptly. "I said I can wash myself."

held the cloth a moment and then shrugged,
lere. Do it. I'll get your food," she said and dropped the
in my hand before turning and walking out of the
a. I put the cloth on my face and took a deep breath.


I have to get out of here, I thought. I have to find
Southerby and get out of here. I put my legs over the
and stood. My whole body swayed like the pendulum in i
grandfather's clock. Nevertheless, I turned to the clc
hoping to find my clothes. At the moment, I was wearing!
loose hospital gown and was barefoot. The tile floor felt lik
ice beneath my feet. Taking a deep breath, I stepped
from the bed and walked to the closet. However, when I
opened the door, I looked in at empty hangers. There'
no clothes, no shoes, nothing but a layer of fine dust.

"What are you doing out of bed? Get back in, quick, i
111 get fired," the tall woman cried. She had my tray of i
in her hands and moved across the room to the
quickly. As I turned, she took hold of my arm to help \ back. The room spun around me.

"Why am I so dizzy? What did they give me? My legs 1
like rubber."

"I don't know anything about medicines. Just get into 1
bed."

"Why don't you know anything if you work he Where's the doctor? I need to talk to someone who'
something," I moaned.

She practically lifted me onto the bed, tucking the bli
around me. My head fell back against the pillow.

"I'll crank the bed up for you," she said and pushed;
button that raised my head and upper torso until I
nearly in a seated position. Then she moved the tray table i
the food was in front of me. "Can you feed yourself, or (
you want me to feed you?"

"I can eat by myself," I said. "I can do everything
myself if you people will just let me."

"Good. I got two other patients on this floor and neit
can do much for themselves. They can't even wipe
own noses most of the time and they're not much older 1
you."

She started away from the bed and then stopped
returned to fasten the straps over my legs.

"Please, can't you leave them undone?" I asked.


"You might fall out and then I'll get fired," she said.
"Why do you work here if they'll fire you for anything
at happens?" I asked.
She finally smiled.

"It's a good job. They pay me more than I can make most where else, and there's just me and my mother now.
| She's too old to do anything for herself and she doesn't get
nuch social security."	|
"How long have I been here? You can tell me that at

I said.

She shrugged.

"Not more than a day, because I would have seen you i
fore," she said.	ij
We heard the sound of footsteps in the hall.
"Uh-oh," she said, her face whitening with fear. "That's ,"

Scanlon making his rounds along with Mrs.
idchild. She cracks the whip here."	(i
A woman of about forty with hair the color of pencil lead

into the doorway, a step ahead of Doctor Scanlon.	i
had gray eyes and a narrow face with a strong, full jjj
nth and a nose so straight it could be used as a ruler. She |
i a dark blue cardigan sweater with pearl buttons over |
r uniform. I thought she had a nicely shaped figure and a
|tich complexion. However, all that was feminine and soft
pbout her body was negated by the firmness in her lips and
i piercing chill in her eyes.
"What are you doing?" she asked Clare.
"I was just on my way to three-oh-four. I got her settled

i her dinner and--"

"Well then, get on with it. See to "the others. They can't
iplain for themselves, you know." Her words were

pronounced with an English accent.
"Yes, Mrs. Roundchild."

"Wait. Why is that closet door open?" she demanded,
iding at it.

"Closet door? Oh." Clare looked at me, her eyes frantic.
: reminded me of some small creature looking for a way
i escape.


"I was trying to find my clothes," I said. "I want to go
back downstairs, Doctor Scanlon," I explained, turning my
attention to him.

"You will," he said. "Soon."

Mrs. Roundchild spun on Clare.

"You let her get off the bed and open the closet?"

"When I went to get her food, she did it herself," Clate
said.

"You undid the straps and left the room?" Mrs.
Roundchild practically lunged at Clare.

"She wanted to wash herself, so I thought to save time, I
would go get her food and--"

"That's a demerit, Miss Carson. It will go on your record.
You know all about our liabilities here and you've been told
what to do and what not to do. It clearly states on the door
that this patient does not have off-bed privileges at the
moment."

"I know, but--"

"There are no buts when it comes to regulations. You've
been here long enough to know that."

"It's not her fault," I said. "I insisted I wash myself.'

Mrs. Roundchild considered me.

"It's admirable that you want to take the blame, but it's
not honest now, is it?"

"Yes it is," I said.

"Are you a liar?"

"What? No, I just... it was my fault. I told her I would;
wash myself."

"She knows she's supposed to be in charge, not you. Why!
are you still standing here, Clare?" She swung around toj
look at the meek woman paused in the doorway.

"I'm sorry," Clare whined and hurried out.	-*1

Doctor Scanlon approached the bed with Mrs,!*
Roundchild right beside him.

"That's good, you're eating," he said, nodding at my food;;
I hadn't touched a morsel.

"I'm not hungry," I said. "Doctor Scanlon, why can't 11
back downstairs? Why am I being kept here?"	<t|


"You have to remain under strict observation for a while,
Laura. Here, you can get more personal treatment," he
added and glanced at Mrs. Roundchild.

"I don't need more personal treatment. I was doing fine until you wanted to start giving me some drug," I complained.

"First, it's not just some drug, Laura. I'm giving you
something that's designed to keep you from being too
anxious and having a bad reaction to your returning memories,"
he explained calmly. "Second, I really don't think
you're in a position to know what's best for you."

He glanced at Mrs. Roundchild, who looked like she
disapproved of his taking the time to defend his decision.
"I want my clothes," I moaned. "And I don't want to be
strapped into bed like this."

"The medications I'm giving you can have some side
[ effects, Laura. They can disorient you sometimes. This is
[ just to protect you."

"I feel like a prisoner," I cried, the tears gathering under
my lids and making my eyes watery and my vision hazy.

"You're not a prisoner. You're a patient, and we're here to
help you get better. Mrs. Roundchild is one of the two I specially trained head nurses who run this floor. I have the I greatest confidence in her. She will see to all your needs."
"What's happening to me?"

"I feel you are on the verge of a complete recouping of the
I past with a minimum of selective amnesia. My sense of this
I & you could at any time remember the trauma and when
f that happens," he continued, "it will be like being hit by a
I freight train. Believe me. I've seen situations similar to
pours many, many times."

His words frightened me. I settled back, my tension and
[resistance melting away. I saw that pleased him. He looked
fat Mrs. Roundchild and she stepped forward, reaching

; to bring up a button attached to a plastic wire.
"If you need any assistance, you press this and someone l come in due time, but don't think they will fall out of ' ceiling. We're understaffed here and people are always


279\


busy. Have patience," she warned, "and we'll do ourl

see to it that you are comfortable and safe."
"Can't I at least have my arms free? I'd like to get a i

of water for myself or scratch myself when I itch," I!
"I think that will be okay as long as you promise!

undo the strap around your legs. That will;

won't fall out of the bed," Doctor Scanlon said. "\

you think, Mrs. Roundchild?"
"I'd like to keep the top strap around her waist as i

least until she's stronger," she added.
"Fine. All right, Laura?" I nodded. What else could I do?

"If you undo them," Mrs. Roundchild threatened, "well
have to restrain your arms again."

Doctor Scanlon took my pulse and then checked a chart
dangling from the end of the bed. While he did so, Mrs. <
Roundchild tightened the straps securely.

"Let's remain with this current pharmaceutical prottkjf
col," he told Mrs. Roundchild.

"Very good, Doctor," she said. She looked as though shtj
were going to salute as well.

He turned back to me.

"I'm going to let you rest now, but Mrs. Roundchild wiHJ
keep a close eye on your condition. If there are any dramat«s|
changes, she'll inform me immediately and I'll be here asf
soon as I can," he promised.

"Does Doctor Southerby at least know what's happened | to me?" I asked softly. He didn't like the question
hardened his mouth, turning his eyes to granite as welL

"Doctor Southerby knows you are now under my dir
care. He has no concerns," he replied sharply. "Just
you'll know," he added after a moment, "Doctor Southerby I
interned under me. He thinks of me as his mentor. Do;
know what that means, mentor?"

"Yes," I said. "You were his teacher."	t\

"More than that. Doctor Scanlon was his idol," Mrs.|
Roundchild corrected. "And rightly so," she finished, i
tor Scanlon smiled at her and the two of them left my i


; down at my food, my appetite still gone. Never,
I nibbled on some of the cold meat loaf, drank some
and lay back. A little over an hour later, Clare

i for the tray.

Pm sorry I got you into trouble," I said,
i got myself into trouble," she replied, took the tray and
rithout a word.

i minutes later, I had to use the bedpan. I pushed
for it to be taken away, but no one appeared for
5 than a half hour. Finally, Mrs. RoundchM came vnth
: right behind her.

"Empty that," she told her, nodding at the bedpan. Then
I she handed me a cup with two pills in it, and gave me a glass
fof water. "Your medication," she said firmly.

"Will it make me tired? I'm still so weak and tired from
^before," I complained.

"Your medication," she repeated, holding it out. "Doctor
; Scanlon wouldn't prescribe it if it wasn't necessary, Laura.
I I'm sorry to have to be so firm with you, but it's an awesome
^responsibility to care for people who can't care for them
Fielves."

I plucked the pills out of the cup and put them in my
I mouth while she hovered over me, watching me swallow the
f water and the pills. She nodded.

"Good," she said. Clare returned the bedpan to the table
| and they left me.

Never did I feel more alone. Strapped down, in a barren
| room with no one to talk to, nothing to look at, not even
tiing to read, I did truly feel more like a criminal than a
I patient. It was as if I were being punished, not helped. I
fastened hard, but the sounds that I heard from the corridor
[twre few and meaningless. There were no voices and little
i movement. If they were so understaffed, why wasn't there
| more going on?

I had to close my eyes. The pills are working, I thought,
y're making my eyelids heavy again. In moments I was
|t asleep, and soon after, I was dreaming. Wonderful, familiar
| faces began to reappear, rising out of the darkness. My


busy. Have patience," she warned, "and we'll do ourl
see to it that you are comfortable and safe."

"Can't I at least have my arms free? I'd like to get a i
of water for myself or scratch myself when I itch," 11

"I think that will be okay as long as you promise not 4
undo the strap around your legs. That will guarantee;
won't fall out of the bed," Doctor Scanlon said. "WhaM
you think, Mrs. Roundchild?"

"I'd like to keep the top strap around her waist as well.J
least until she's stronger," she added.

"Fine. All right, Laurar

I nodded. What else could I do?

"If you undo them," Mrs. Roundchild threatened, "well
have to restrain your arms again."

Doctor Scanlon took my pulse and then checked a < dangling from the end of the bed. While he did so,
Roundchild tightened the straps securely.

"Let's remain with this current pharmaceutical
col," he told Mrs. Roundchild.

"Very good, Doctor," she said. She looked as though i
were going to salute as well.

He turned back to me.

"I'm going to let you rest now, but Mrs. Roundchild1 keep a close eye on your condition. If there are any <
changes, she'll inform me immediately and I'll be here
soon as I can," he promised.

"Does Doctor Southerby at least know what's hap
to me?" I asked softly. He didn't like the question
hardened his mouth, turning his eyes to granite as well

"Doctor Southerby knows you are now under my < care. He has no concerns," he replied sharply. "Just
you'll know," he added after a moment, "Doctor Soutt
interned under me. He thinks of me as his mentor. Do'
know what that means, mentor?"

"Yes," I said. "You were his teacher."

"More than that. Doctor Scanlon was his idol,"and lay back. A little over an hour later, Clare
aed for the tray.
"I'm sorry I got you into trouble," I said.
"I got myself into trouble," she replied, took the tray and
t without a word.

Fifteen minutes later, I had to use the bedpan. I pushed
buzzer for it to be taken away, but no one appeared for
; than a half hour. Finally, Mrs. Roundchild came with
i right behind her.
"Empty that," she told her, nodding at the bedpan. Then
: handed me a cup with two pills in it, and gave me a glass
'water. "Your medication," she said firmly.
"Will it make me tired? I'm still so weak and tired from
fore," I complained.

' "Your medication," she repeated, holding it out. "Doctor
Ion wouldn't prescribe it if it wasn't necessary, Laura.
t sorry to have to be so firm with you, but it's an awesome
sibility to care for people who can't care for them'»



I plucked the pills out of the cup and put them in my
i while she hovered over me, watching me swallow the
and the pills. She nodded.
"Good," she said. Clare returned the bedpan to the table
[ they left me.

Never did I feel more alone. Strapped down, in a barren
, with no one to talk to, nothing to look at, not even
; to read, I did truly feel more like a criminal than a
tient. It was as if I were being punished, not helped. I
I hard, but the sounds that I heard from the corridor
few and meaningless. There were no voices and little
lent. If they were so understaffed, why wasn't there
: going on?

-I had to close my eyes. The pills are working, I thought,
y're making my eyelids heavy again. In moments I wasmother was smiling at me and my father was looking at me
with love in his eyes. A little hand reached for me. It was
May and she was afraid. My brother stepped up beside her;
His name seemed to be closer, my tongue struggling to fonts
it.

"Come home, Laura," he said. "Please, come home."

"Laura," my mother called. "Laura, come home."

"We need you back here, Laura," my father said.

May was signing and crying.

I struggled, twisted, and pulled against the straps in my
sleep so violently, that I woke myself in the middle of this night. My skin burned where I had chaffed my waist and my legs. I groaned and cried out. The door to my room was
nearly closed completely, so that most of the dim light from
the corridor was gone. I was alone in the dark.

I closed my eyes again, drifting off. This time I immediately
felt a wave of cold ocean water wash over me. I gasped.
There was a hand reaching up and the top of a head
emerging from the water. I struggled to get a grip on that
hand and then ... I really felt something in my hand and
my eyes snapped open.

"Shh," I heard, and turned to see Lawrence kneeling by,
the bed.

"Lawrence? What are you doing here?"

"Don't talk too loud," he said. "I snuck up to see you. V^ <
heard what happened to you and I tried to get information^
all day, but no one knew or would say a thing. Mary Betb j
and Lulu send their love."

"How did you get up here?"

I sat up until the strap cut into my waist.

"There's another stairway that's used to bring up suppliet j
mainly. It's right near here. I didn't know what room
were in, of course. I checked two others before finding;
The chart on your door says that they don't want you to I
disturbed. Has something terrible happened to you,1
Have you remembered something horrible? Is that why 1
brought you up here?"


I told him what had happened with Doctor Scanlon and
what he wanted done with me and why.

"I don't see why that meant you had to be brought up
here," Lawrence commented*

"Neither do I. I want to go back downstairs, be with
people, move about on my own."

"Did you tell him that?"

"Yes, but he keeps saying they're doing this to protect me,
to ensure that I don't hurt myself."

"I don't know why they can't protect you downstairs just
as well," Lawrence said. I nodded.

"Anyway, at least I know where you are now. I'll come up
to see you as much as I can, but it will have to be at night. If
I get caught, they'll lock me up someplace, too, or ship me
away like Megan."

"I can't believe you got up here. You know everything
about this clinic," I said. He was barely visible in the dim
light from the hallway, but I saw him smile.

"I've been here long enough to know every corner of the
place," he said. "Are you going to be all right?"

"I'm scared, Lawrence," I said, holding on to his hand. "I
don't want to be here, but I'm frightened of putting up too
much of a fight. What if Doctor Scanlon's right? He's the
head doctor, isn't he? They said even Doctor Southerby
learned from him."

"I don't know, but I don't want you to be frightened, ; Laura," Lawrence said softly. He rose and brought himself
closer to me. I knew what courage it took for him to come I up to see me, bow much of his own problem he had to have
| overcome.
"Thank you for coming up here, Lawrence. I want you to
| know that it means a lot to me that you snuck up to see me."

"I couldn't sleep, thinking about you and worrying about

ou," he said.

We heard footsteps in the hallway.

"Someone's coming," I whispered and watched frantilly
as he crawled underneath my bed.

i Moments later, the door opened and Mrs. Roundchild


stood silhouetted in the hallway light. She stared in at me. 1
closed my eyes and waited, praying she wouldn't come it
She stood there for the longest time and then she
closing the door behind her. Neither Lawrence nor I
or moved until we heard her footsteps die away. Finally 1
got to his feet.

"That was close," I said. "You'd better go."

"All right."

I started to sob. I didn't want him to go. I felt mo
secure, more at ease with him holding my hand. He leaned ;
toward me again and I touched his face. His lips drew clc
and closer until they met mine. It wasn't so much of a kiss as it was a brush of lips and a sigh.

"I wish I could stay here with you all night," he wrnVij
pered. "I wish I could put my arms around you and hold'J
you and protect you from your own fearful thoughts. When ] I'm with you like this, I don't think about myself and I donl
get panicked, Laura. I need to be with you as much fof*|
myself as for you," he admitted. "We're good for each other,:
Laura."

"I don't think I'm good for much right now, Lawrence.
I'm no better than an invalid. I can't even get off the bed t»1
go to the bathroom."

"You'll get better and I'll get better. You'll see," hej
promised.

"You've been so nice to me, Lawrence. I'm glad we got to? |
know each other," I said.

"I hope we can get to love each other," he followed j
quickly. I think the darkness made him brave. It brought a]
smile to my face.

He held his face close to mine for another moment and 3
then he kissed me again, only this time, he held his lips to
mine longer and made it into a real kiss.

I moaned softly, desperate for a loving touch, for affection.

He kissed me again, moving his lips over my cheeks and |
back to my lips. Then he kissed my forehead and held me.


"Robert," I said softly, my cheek against his chest.
"What did you say?" He pulled back. I opened my eyes.
"What's wrong?" I asked quietly.
"I thought you called me by another name just now. I

lit you said Robert."
Neither of us moved a muscle.

I searched my thoughts and waited, but it was as if a dark
cloud had suddenly appeared, shutting away the light and

* enveloping me in darkness once again.

"I don't know," I said, frustrated. "I don't understand." I
started to cry. "You see, Doctor Scanlon is right. I am
disturbed, too confused to be on my own."

"Don't, Laura. Please." He kissed away a tear.

We heard the sound of a cart being wheeled in the hallway

and we waited until it passed my room.

"You'd better go," I whispered.

"I'll be back tomorrow night," he promised. He kissed
me again. "Good night, Laura."

"Good night," I said. He held my hand until he started
away and had to let go. I watched him walk to the door and
peer out. Then he was gone.

Moments afterward, alone in the dark and quiet room
with only my thoughts for companionship, I had to wonder.
Had I dreamed Lawrence's visit or had he really been here?


In the morning, I realized I must have cried most of the
night in my sleep because my pillow was soaked with my
tears. I knew my dreams were full of sadness, but I couldn't
remember the details of a single one.lt was as if everything
had been written in the sand and as soon as I woke, the
ocean came up and washed out each and every word,
carrying them back to the depths of the sea. There was
nothing to do but start all over.

A different nurse's aide brought me my breakfast. She was
just as closemouthed as Clare and seemed even more afraid
of doing anything wrong. All I learned about her was her
first name, Delia. She was a heavy black girl with very pretty


ebony eyes. She wore her hair very short, which made)
JooJc even chubbier than she was, I thought. She emptied the 1
bedpan, gave me fresh water, and helped me wash.

"When can I take a bath or a shower? These sponge bathsJ aren't enough."

"I don't know," she said. "You have to ask the nurse."

Just like Clare, Delia avoided looking at me most of the;
time she was in my room. It made me feel as though I were |
ugly, a hideous creature that no one could bare to look at

Doctor Scanlon anally appeared late in the afternoon. He gazed at my chart and then pulled a chair up beside the bed.:

"I see that you had a restful twenty-four hours. That'tj
good," he commented.

"Restful? I woke with a soaked pillow and my arms and
legs are chaffed from all the tossing and turning I did against
these straps. Please take them off. Please," I begged.

He considered.

"All right. I'll trust you to watch yourself." He scribbled
something on his pad. "Now, tell me about your memories.
How are we doing on that score?"

I described my visions, the ones I could remember. He
seemed to tiptoe gently about the descriptions I gave him of |
the ocean, the waves, the hand coming up.

"Your memory is returning, Laura. We're handling thj$:j
right. I'm more convinced than ever. Continue to cooperij
ate, take your medication, and let your mind feel at ease]
enough to permit the past to seep back into your conscious*!
ness slowly. It won't be long before you walk out of here,"
he promised.

"However, with the trauma threatening to make itseftf
heard dramatically and completely, I'd like to increase yo
medication a bit. Just to play it safe," he added and made J
another note. "Okay?"

"Okay," I said and he gave me the phoniest smile he had j
given me yet.

"To reward you for your cooperation, I'm leaving ir
tions for you to be taken on a short walk through the halls s you get some exercise. How's that?"


"I'd like that," I said. At this point, I thought, I'd like
anything that resembled or suggested a normal life.

"We'll do it before it's time for your next dosage of
medicine so you can be a little more alert."
He rose.

"We're in control of your problems rather than permit'
ting them to be in control of you, and as long as we keep it
f that way, we're on the right track," he concluded.

Clare returned at the start of the late afternoon shift and
announced that she had been instructed to take me for a
fhort walk. For that purpose, I was given a light blue cotton
robe and a pair of cotton slippers. She undid my restraints
and helped me put on the robe and slippers.

'Maybe this will help your appetite, too," she commented,
noticing how much food I had left over from lunch. ', Then she bit her lip as if she had said something blasphemous.

'I hope so," I said. "It's not because the food is terrible.
I'm just not hungry," I added quickly, imagining the same
people prepared the food for the Tower floor.

She helped me to my feet. I was shaky at first, but as I
took one step and then another, my blood began to circulate
and I felt stronger. We left the room and paused in the
^corridor.

It was very different up on this floor. The hallway was just
f as immaculate, but there were no paintings, no chairs, and
| the windows were covered with heavy drapes that blocked
: all signs of the sun. I noticed also that there were very
few rooms at the far end of the hall. Instead, there was a
tglass double door through which I saw Mrs. Roundchild
talking with another nurse. To my right was a sharp turn in
i corridor.

"l^hat's around that way?" I asked.
"At the very end of this corridor is the Zombie Ward,"
idare said.

"Zombie Ward?"

"The patients in there don't talk except to scream or cry. r of them just sit or stand for hours staring at nothing,


shaking their arms or their heads madly. They've got to be ;
fed and washed all the time. There are young people in there <
who took too many drugs and burned out their brains," she
added.

"How horrible."

"You're lucky compared to them," she said.

We walked in that direction. After a while, Clare lessened]
her hold on me and I took stronger steps. When we made;!
the turn, I looked down the hallway and saw there were j
doors there, too. I could make out some patients sitting j
chairs and a couple of young women standing.

"I'm not supposed to take you that far," Clare
nodding toward the glass doors. I kept walking in
direction anyway. "You got to turn back now, Laura,"
said.

Suddenly, from a room on our right, we heard a
crash, the sound of a bedpan slamming to the floor and 1
a shrill scream.

"Oh no, it's that Sara Richards again. Just wait here,"
ordered, and went into the room. I continued to
toward the doors.

As I drew closer, I thought I saw a familiar face,
intrigued me and I sped up until I was only a few feet I
the doorway and could look through the windows,
standing with her wrists all wrapped in bandages
staring at the doorway, was Megan. Her mouth was <
drool seeping out and down the sides. Her eyes were'
but vacant.

"Megan?" I whispered.

Clare came up beside me quickly and grabbed my i

"You can't be down here. Come on, let's go back, 1

"But that's a friend of mine from downstairs,
Paxton. I thought she was being moved to some
hospital. What happened to her? She looks terrible.*1

"I don't know, but if she's in there, it wasn't good. I
let's get back before Mrs. Roundchild catches us and j
me double demerits. When you reach ten, they fire
Come on, Laura," she urged and turned me.


I looked back as we walked.

Megan seemed to recognize me. She lifted her arms and
:ld them up and then, I thought she screamed. I couldn't

anything. Maybe she wasn't making any sounds, but
; was trying to scream. A nurse moved to her quickly and

sd her into a room and she was gone.
"Megan," I murmured.

"You have to get back into your bed now," Clare said as
t rounded the turn and headed toward my room.	^
Mrs. Roundchild was gazing our way suspiciously. "
"Poor Megan," I said.

And then I wondered, could that happen to me? Would I
I up on the Zombie Ward, too? Maybe no one gets better

, Maybe they all just end up locked away in the Zombie

1 Or worse.

"Time for your medicine," Mrs. Roundchild said, burst!
into the room moments after Clare had helped me into

She thrust the cup of pills at me.
"I don't need them. I want to try to sleep tonight without

I said.
t"You have to take your medication. Besides, you told
Scanlon you would. Why are you being obstinate


f *Tm afraid," I said. "Too many drugs might burn out my
find."

j. That's ridiculous. Who told you such a thing?" She
I to Clare, who was hurrying to clean up the bathroom
I leave.

|"No one told me," I said. "I'm just afraid."
"I'll stand here all night if necessary until you take your
tion. And if you don't, we'll have an I.V. hooked to
arm and well feed them to you intravenously," she


"But they make me so groggy. I'm already exhausted just
i that little walk," I moaned.	'
held out the pills, her expression unchanging and
tetic.


"Are you going to take these pills voluntarily?" she i
asked.

Reluctantly, I took them from her. She watched me1 them down, her hands on her hips, her eyes beady.

"Strap her in," she said.

"But Doctor Scanlon said I don't need to be str
He promised," I cried.

"As head nurse I have to make decisions on the :
the moment if necessary. You just said the walking i
you tired. I don't think you'll be safe tonight without 1
strapped in," she said.

"Look at my legs, how red they are," I said.

"That's nothing compared to what could happen:
fall on your face. Strap her in," she commanded.

Clare moved quickly to obey her.
"I want to see Doctor Scanlon," I demanded.

"He'll be here tomorrow at his usual hour."

"I want to see him now!"

"Don't raise your voice to me, young lady. Your j
mother might be paying for your treatments and i
donations, but you're still a guest of this clinic. We j
take just anyone--no matter who they are," she ;
marched out of my room.

Clare gave me a look of sympathy and then
followed after her.

"I want to see the doctor!" I shouted at the ne
door.

No one returned or responded.

Soon, the pills began to take effect again,
drooped and I felt weaker. It was futile to st:
them. Sleep and remember, I thought. Sleep and i
who you are and then you will be free.

Vaguely, I thought about something Mrs. 1
said ... something about my grandmother,
that mean? That was my last conscious thought.

I knew the dosage Mrs. Roundchild had
considerably greater, as Doctor Scanlon had
because I didn't wake during the night. Lav


I my room, too. I knew because when I woke, I found a
; in my hand with the words "I love you. Guess who-- " bbled on it. It made me smile, but also put fear in my
; because I was afraid someone would find it. I quickly
ubled the tissue into a ball and put it in my bedpan. No I would want to look at it now, I thought.

ScanJon didn't come to see me the entire day. I
asking about him, but as usual, neither nurse's aide
' anything and Mrs. Roundchild simply said, "He'll be
twhen he'll be here."

: only thing I could count on regularly was my medica,
They had me taking it twice now, once in the morning,
; at night. The night dosage affected me just the way it jt
{the night before. Soon after I took it, I was asleep, but
| time, my dream woke me, or at least I thought I woke.
; again, I saw a hand come out of the ocean and then
I began to rise to the surface. When I saw his eyes, I
f to scream. He was sinking again and I was struggling
i him. I heard his voice. I heard him say, "Help me,
Help me. I want to be with you always. Help me.
ftome."

I his lips on my face and reached out to embrace him
lied his head against my breast where he could fall
fsafely. Just before morning, I woke with a start. I
imagining it now. I did feel something against my
f and turned to see Lawrence, his head resting on me,
curled up beside me.

ce," I cried. His eyes fluttered. "When did you t don't remember."

i here, Laura. I've been here for hours and hours."
fre giving me more medicine, Lawrence. It makes
I'm afraid not to take it, I'm afraid of what
to me. Lawrence," I said, seizing his hand,
fegan wasn't transferred to another hospital.
She's in what they call the Zombie Ward. I saw (looks terrible."
trie Ward? I know about that place. She's really that


"I almost didn't recognize her. She looked so wild
frightened me. Oh, Lawrence," I moaned, "what if
happens to me? What if the medicine and my dreams <
me mad? Don't let them put me in that place."

He shook his head sharply.

"Never. I'll never let them lock you away in there."

"If only I remembered everything they would let me go,1
I said with a small sob.

"I think it's happening, Laura. I heard you cry out in} sleep for someone, someone you were losing. That must I
your traumatic experience, the event that caused
illness," he said.

"You did? Who was it? Did I say a name?"

He hesitated.

"I'm afraid to tell you. After what you just told me, Fii
afraid of doing something wrong," he said.

"You've got to tell me. I can't stand this emptiness, i
darkness. Please. Whom did I cry for?"

"It was the same name I heard you say before."

I thought a moment.

"I can't remember what I said before, Lawrence,
medicine that they're giving me has already turned
mind into a glob of mush. Whose name did I call out
repeated more firmly. "You must tell me, Lawrence. I <
want to end up like Megan. Please."

"Someone named Robert," he replied.

The sound of his name took my breath away. I stared^
Lawrence.

"I think it was someone you cared for very much,"?
said sadly.

"Yes. Yes," I said, seeing the darkness begin to retreat i the light begin to slip in from behind the cloud of
memory. "He was. He is."

And I knew that today, today I would remember <
thing. I was filled with mixed emotions, anxious, ter
and yet hopeful it would mean the end of my ordeal. Fit
I would be free.


16 so


Reunited


11 hate to leave you," Lawrence said.
Through the slight opening in my window curtain, we
Id see the dawn beginning. The light that cleared away
darkness gave me hope that something similar would
appen to the darkness in me as well.
"You have to go, Lawrence. I'll be all right now," I said,
ng. "I will. Somehow," I said, my eyes shifting as I
1 ahead, "I know I will."
"I wish they wouldn't give you so much medicine. It
n't seem right," he worried aloud. He leaned over and
me softly on my forehead and then smiled. "I'll see
later," he promised, squeezing my hand and walking
the door. He paused to check the hallway and in
aents, he was gone.
"Robert," I whispered in the silence that followed. It was
jf my lips were trying on the word to see if it fit.
abert."

I closed my eyes and a series of pictures rolled madden
jly by. I concentrated, slowing them down until I saw my
aily clearly, heard their voices clearly, the sounds of their
biter, their chatter at dinner, Daddy reading from the


Bible, and then--Cary. His name emerged in a bu

rising out of the confusion, and with his name came a life
of his words: his compliments and his complaints,
warnings and his hopes.

A small sailboat bobbed on the surface of a pond,
understood it to be one of Gary's models. I had memories <
him working hard on them, hunched over his table with 1
soldering gun and his glues, his fingers turning and fit
the miniature parts into their tiny places. I realized I
remembering his workroom. With each memory, each <
picture, my home was returning. I saw my own room,
stuffed animals, my beautiful, beautiful bed. I saw Mor
in the kitchen making a delicious clam chowder. I saw!
Daddy sitting in his favorite chair reading the newspaperl
and mumbling over some event. May was at his feet putting!
a puzzle together, waiting for me to help her with
homework. They were all waiting for me to come home, I
come back.

I saw myself running up to the front door and tugging <
the door knob when it didn't turn. The door wouldn't <
Why was it locked? I pounded and called.

"MOMMY! DADDY! CARY!"

No one came to the door. I turned and looked arou
desperately, but instead of seeing my front yard, I
the sailboat, only now it began to grow larger. The
became the ocean. Someone was in the boat, st
it toward shore. He was calling to me, beckoning,
boat drew closer and closer until I saw him vividly,
Robert.

"Laura," he was calling. "Come back. Laura . . ."

Now I was running down the beach toward the boat, i
the more I ran, the farther away it became. I ran harden
began to call to him. I seemed to run over the same ;
repeatedly, never making any progress as he continued i
call and to beckon.

"What's wrong with you?" I heard someone ask
instantly all my memories evaporated. Mrs. Rounc


MUSIC IN THE NIGHT


stood by the side of my bed with my medication in hand,
gazing down at me. "Why are you crying?"

"I... can remember lots of things now. I remember my
family and my home," I said. "And I remember Robert and
a boat and--"

"That's good. Here," she said, "take your medicine.
Clare's bringing your breakfast."

"Maybe I shouldn't take any more medicine now," I said.
"Now that I'm really remembering things, maybe it's better
I have a clear mind."

"Why is it everyone wants to be a doctor here?" she
asked, almost with a smile. "I'm sorry, but you have to
spend a little time in medical school first."

"I'm not trying to be a doctor, but it just feels right that I shouldn't take anything."

"Really? Well, up until now, has Doctor Scanlon been
wrong? Haven't you begun to remember things and do it in
a fashion where you don't hurt yourself or get mentally
incapacitated? Isn't that true?"

"Yes," I said. "I suppose."

"You suppose? Well, I know. I've been a head nurse on
this floor for nearly five years now and I've seen many,
many different kinds of illness, a number of cases similar to
your own. I've seen Doctor Scanlon treat them successfully,
too. So, I don't have to suppose," she said.

Tears filled my eyes once more.

"I just want to go home," I said.

"You will if you do what you're told." She paused for a

moment, her expression softening. "I don't mean to be

cruel to you, Laura, but I must be firm. I have an awesome

job here. I am responsible for a number of people who are

I 6ot able to be responsible for themselves. Many of these

^people have and will continue to hurt themselves if I don't

follow doctor's orders in regards to them. There is a lot to

do and little time to do it. Everyone needs specialized,

personal treatment. It makes it hard to waste time, do you

understand?"


"Yes," I said in a small voice.

"Good. Then take your medicine. Doctor Scanlon will be
here to evaluate you and your progress and we'll see what he,
wants to do after that."

With trembling fingers, I plucked the pills out of the cup
and put them in my mouth. She handed me the glass of
water and I swallowed them down.

"Very good," she said. "Your breakfast is on its way."

She left the room and moments later, Clare arrived with
my tray. She raised my bed and moved the table over me.

"I'm getting better," I told her. "I'm remembering things
quickly now. I'll be able to go home."

"That's nice. I'd like to have less to do," she said. Sh^j
paused. "But whenever someone leaves the floor or gets
moved to the Zombie Ward, there's always someone else tej
take their place. I heard they have a waiting list as long asj
my arm," she added.

"Can you find out about a patient for me? Can you find
out about Megan Paxton?"

"They don't like me asking about patients. If any
working here is caught talking about the patients,
could be fired instantly," she said. "I gotta get breakfast:
the others," she added before I could plead with her
more. She quickly left the room.

I sighed with disappointment and frustration and
to pick at my breakfast. I ate what I could, then closed
eyes, and dozed off. When I woke, my bed had been Ic
and my tray taken away. I stared at the white ceiling.

Robert's face began to form on the white background. 1
looked like he was emerging from a cloud. I saw his soft i
and gentle smile. Strands of his light brown hair fell over]
forehead. He was laughing and then suddenly, the
background began to whirl around him. His head started!
spin along with it and the white ceiling turned into
His arm emerged, his hand reaching out for me.

"Laura..."

I screamed.

Maybe I fainted. Maybe I fell back to sleep. I don't 1


>^»


MUSIC IN THE NIGHT


but when I woke this time, Doctor Scanlon was seated
beside the bed. He had just taken my pulse and was making
some notes on his pad. He looked very calm, so calm that I
couldn't imagine he heard me scream.

Suddenly, I noticed there were two younger men in
doctor's hospital coats standing at the foot of the bed
looking at me. Both carried clipboards. One had dark
brown hair and wore glasses; the other had longer, light
brown hair and light blue eyes. He was taller and wider.

"Hello, Laura," Doctor Scanlon said. "This is Doctor
Fernhoff and Doctor Bloom. They're both interns, studying
with me. From time to time, they'll each look in on you, too.
So," he continued, "Mrs. Roundchild tells me you've remembered
a lot more about your family and your home. Is
that so?"

I nodded.

"Good. Now, let's talk a bit about those memories. Were
. they all pleasant?"

I shook my head.

"I see. What was unpleasant?" he asked.

I gazed at the two interns. Doctor Fernhoff, the man with
fine glasses, was staring at me so intently, I felt self*
conscious.

"I... remember... there was someone," I said, "some
Lone I cared for and something happened to him."

"Yes," Doctor Scanlon said. He glanced at the two
sterns. Neither cracked an encouraging smile nor changed
fexpression. "Go on. What happened to him?"

"I think... it has to do with the ocean. He was in a

ilboat."

"Yes, go on, go on," he urged, as if be were playing a tug

f-war with my mind.

'I don't know, I... think he might have fallen out of the

at/'

I gazed at Doctor Bloom. Something in his softer face

Id me I wasn't far off.

"What else do you think, Laura? You must tell me what
: remember and what you believe happened."


"He and I were in the boat," I said, "and I think we were
caught in a storm. Is he all right?"

"Who?" Doctor Scanlon pursued. "Who is this person is
the boat with you?"

"Robert," I said and it all tumbled out. "Robert Royce, a
boy from my school."

Doctor Scanlon sat back, a look of satisfaction on hia
face.

'That's good, Laura," he said, nodding. "You've come a
long way."

"But is he all right?"

"Is he?" Doctor Scanlon fired back at me.

"I don't know. I can't remember," I cried frantically.
"He's not all right. He can't be all right. Please, say I'm
wrong. Tell me!" I begged.

"You must not think of it as your fault," he said.

"Why would it be my fault? Was it my fault? What did I
do?" I demanded.

"That's enough for now," he declared with finality. He
gathered up his charts and stood.

"No, it's not enough. How can it be enough? You've i
hardly been here five minutes."	*

"The length of time I'm here isn't what's important. It's ( what happens during the time I'm here," he said, as if I were"
one of his interns, too.

"I can't remember everything, but I remember a lot!
Can't you help me remember it all, finally?"

"I think it's best we take it one step at a time, Laura, j
Tomorrow is another day," he declared with a regal air. Ha
two interns made quick notes on their clipboards as
turned to them.

"I want to go home," I moaned. "I remember my i
my father, my little sister, and my brother. Why don't 1
come to see me now?"

"Perhaps they will very soon," he said. "Classic case,"
said, nodding at me. The two interns widened their eyes t
pressed their lips simultaneously. "As you know," he 1
tured to them, "dissociative amnesia most commonly j


gents a retrospectively reported gap or series of gaps in
recall for aspects of the individual's life history. As illustrated
here, these gaps are usually related to traumatic or
txtremely stressful events."

'It's a common battle-fatigue syndrome," Doctor
Fernhoff said.

"Precisely. However, today, we're seeing it more and
more with early childhood abuse. I'd like you both to keep a
close observation on this case. She's on the verge of crashing ': through her trauma and the immediate aftermath is most
instructive."

They nodded and stared at me. I felt like an amoeba
under a microscope. The way their eyes fixed on my face
: made me cringe.

"I want to go home," I moaned.
"We have to deal with the patient's perception of the
.event," Doctor Scanlon continued. "It's critical we deal
[ with her sense of guilt as soon as she recalls nearly one : hundred percent, for it is precisely that sense of guilt that I put her into dissociative amnesia. Again, classic symptoms
for classic cases, i.e., mothers who survive accidents when
[their children don't, husbands or wives who survive, et
cetera.

"I'm giving her a series of EEGs. As you know," he
^continued in his teacher's voice, "regions of the brain that
tare involved in memory function also affect the stress
i response. Traumatic stress results in changes in these brain
^regions; alterations in these brain regions in turn may
I mediate symptoms of posttraumatic" stress disorder.
"Unfortunately," he continued, looking at me, "Doctor
utherby neglected to give her an EEG on admittance, so '. lost a potential comparison there, but..." He smiled at

"We'll make the best of it" gestured at the door and they turned.
"Please let me go home," I cried. Why wouldn't they
me? next patient is a more classic case of child abuse,"


he rattled on as they walked away. "We have a twelve-y
old Caucasian male ..."

I watched them leave the room and then I dropped;
head to the pillow because it suddenly felt like it had 1
to stone.

As Doctor Scanlon had explained, later that day I
taken for tests. Electrodes were placed on my head
machines read my brain waves. Doctor Scanlon's inti
supervised and studied the results, although no one told ]
what they were. I was simply brought back to my room i
put to bed. When I complained, Mrs. Roundchild per
me to sit in a chair for a while, as long as I didn't'
around or try to leave the room.

I sat there all day, thinking about my memories, fe
the details fill in, the colors and shapes growing richer richer with each passing minute. It was as if my ;
tions, which began as simple line drawings, were now 1
painted by a wonderful artist. Not only did pictures
words return, but aromas, scents, and tastes did as
More than ever, I wanted my mother. I cried for her all <
but no one listened. Every time Mrs. Roundchild or one <
the interns appeared, they offered me promises, punctual J
ing every hope with "Soon."	'

Soon was not soon enough, I thought. Only right now wail
soon enough. Because I became more vocal in my demands,
Mrs. Roundchild had me returned to bed and strapped in j
again. She called Doctor Scanlon and then came back to myl
room to inform me that he wanted me to take my medicftH
tion earlier than usual tonight. She said he claimed I waf 1
about to make a dramatic breakthrough. Once again, they
held up the promise that this would all be over... soon.

I took the pills after dinner and immediately fell asleep,
In moments I was drifting on the sea. I was in the sailboat
and Robert was smiling with pride at his ability to guide v& over the waves. We were heading for a cove. It was coming
back to me with the promise of love and all that lay just
around the bend.


In my dreams I saw Robert and this girl who appeared to
s me pull the sailboat onto the shore quickly and, laughing
|and teasing each other, go up the beach. I saw her fall to the
ad and then I saw him fall first to his knees, and then to all
Ifours above her. He gazed down at her, his eyes full of love,
land he reached out to touch her hair, her cheek, to let her
pold his fingers to her lips so she could kiss the tips of them.
I The girl moaned and the boy leaned over to kiss her softly
Ion the lips, moving his mouth up her face, over her cheeks
| to her closed eyes.

For a while, he touched her only with his lips. He held
^himself above her, moving to her forehead, her hair, and
i then back to her lips before moving to her neck and then,
: ever so gently, lifting up her shirt.

In the distance the clouds began to gather. Neither the
i boy nor the girl noticed the change in the wind, the hectic I and nervous cries of the birds, or the lift of the water as the
' tide rushed in faster, higher. They were completely en: tranced with each other, mesmerized, lost in the whisper of
their own voices pledging endless love, promising.

I saw them undress, peel their clothes away quickly, but
not roughly. Naked beneath the sky, they held each other
first gently, and then desperately, wanting their lovemaking
to be bigger, greater, more intense than it had ever been
before. And it was.

Exhausted, they collapsed against each other, held each
other tight. With this exquisite exhaustion came contentment.
They closed their eyes and remained entwined, soon
falling asleep. I tried to cry out a warning, but they couldn't
hear me.

The sky darkened. The wind grew stronger. The water
rose and fell with a slam against the rocks, and the small
sailboat was washed away from shore. By the time they
finally woke, the boat was out to sea.

Suddenly, I was no longer a third party, an observer. I was
on the beach, shouting. Robert was swimming desperately
for the boat. I saw it all and rushed forward to help him.
That was when the darkness fell again, slamming my


memory closed, ripping the sounds away, leaving me in a
terrifying silence.

"Robert," I called. I started to swing my arms about
madly until I felt someone holding me and opened my eyese
to see Lawrence at my side.

"Laura, Laura," he cried.

I reached up for him and he embraced me.

"Were you having another bad dream?" he asked. "May*
be the medicine is causing your nightmares."

"I don't know," I sobbed. "I've got to get out of here,
Lawrence. They don't really want to help me. They just
keep giving me drugs that make me sleep and keep me weak.
I want to go home, Lawrence. I know who my parents are
and I know where I live. I remember almost everything! I've,
got to go home right away."

"You want to leave the clinic now? Tonight?" he asked.

"Yes, desperately. They're turning me into some sort of
guinea pig, using me for a study. They want to prolong my
treatment for as long as they can. I know they do. I want to*
go home. Help me, please," I begged.

He thought a moment. I pressed my fingers around his
hand firmly.

"Okay, Laura," he said. "I'll help you, if that's what you
really want to do."

"Thank you, Lawrence. Thank you."	f

I undid the strap around my waist and ripped the blanket
away. Lawrence undid the strap around my legs and L
started to get out of bed.

"Wait," he said. "Let me think first."	H

"There's no time to think. Get me out of here, Lawrence. v| Please."

"You need clothes, Laura. You can't go outside like that,"
he said. "I know. When we get downstairs, we'll go to your^J
old room and get something for you to wear and then we'l
go to the door off the kitchen, the one I showed you," he^J
said.

"Yes, yes. But we've got to hurry."

"We've got to be careful," he corrected. "If we're caught*"'


they're sure to take more drastic measures with both of us."
He went to the door and peered out. "It looks clear," he
said.

I swung my feet over the side of the bed and stood. For a
moment I swayed and nearly fell, but I steadied myself
quickly. He came to me to take my arm, and we both went
to the door. He looked again.

"When we go out, we go around the corner and take the
first door on the left, Laura. We'll go down the stairway and
stop at the bottom floor so 1 can check the corridor again.
I've done this enough times already to be an expert. Don't
worry," he added.

I nodded, eager.

Lawrence took my hand and led me from the room to the
doorway. We slipped away quickly and started down the
steps. My head was spinning, but I didn't let on how dizzy I
was until I slipped on the landing and he had to catch and
hold me.

"You're so weak, Laura. How can you leave the clinic?"

"I can do it, Lawrence. Once I'm away and out in fresh
air, I'll be fine."

He held me for another indecisive moment, and then he
guided me down the next flight of steps, until we were at the
bottom floor and he was checking the hallway. After a few
moments, he nodded and we scurried out and down the
hallway to the residential area. Minutes later, we were in my
old bedroom. We didn't put on the lights for fear of
attracting attention. I went to the closet and found a pair of
jeans and a sweatshirt, but there wejre no shoes or sneakers.
I had to wear my slippers.

Lawrence remained at the doorway with his back to me as
I dressed.

I paused by the small table and looked at the journal I had
been keeping for Doctor Southerby. No one had bothered
giving it to Doctor Scanlon. I was tempted to take it with
me, but hesitated. I didn't want any reminders of this place,
if I could help it, I thought. I wanted to leave this place
behind me for good.


"I'm ready," I announced.

Lawrence looked at me and shook his head. He didn't
move.

"What?" I asked.

"I can't let you do this by yourself, Laura. I'm going to go
with you."

"You're going to leave the clinic, too?"

"Yes," he said. I could almost feel him trembling in the
dark. Lawrence had told me that he hadn't been off the
grounds for years.

"You don't have to do that, Lawrence."

"I want to," he said.

He watched the corridor and indicated I should be still.
Seconds later, we heard talking and through the crack in the
doorway saw Billy and Arnie walk down the corridor. They
paused near my door. Billy whispered something to Arnie
and they broke out into laughter as they continued down the
hallway, disappearing around the corner.

"Now," Lawrence said, and we shot out and hurried
down the hallway to the cafeteria. Just before we reached
the kitchen, the doors opened and a janitor stepped out
pushing a pail on rollers. He didn't look right or left or he
would have seen us with our backs against the wall, watching
him go through the cafeteria and out into the hall. We
waited.

I looked at Lawrence. He seemed suddenly frozen against
the wall.

"Shouldn't we go now?" I asked him. He nodded, but he
didn't move.

"Maybe you should go back, Laura. I don't know if this is
the right thing to do. No," he concluded. "It isn't. I
shouldn't have done this. Please, let's go back," he said. He
was trembling badly, and even in the subdued light, I saw
how white his complexion had turned.

"No, I can't go back. I have to leave," I said. I started
away and entered the kitchen myself. Moments later, Lawrence
was behind me.


"How will you get home?" he asked when we confronted
the metal door.

"I don't know."

"You don't even know which way to go. Laura, this is
wrong," he said, seizing my arm to hold me back.
"Laura . . ."

His voice seemed to die away after he pronounced my
name, the word falling lower and lower as if everything he
was saying were being said from the top of a deep well and I
was on the very bottom. I felt like I was shrinking.

"Laura . . . don't go. Laura . . . come back."

"Yes, Robert," I said. "I'm coming back."

"What? Laura, it's me. Lawrence."

I went to the door.

"Laura! Wait!"

I pushed the door open and stepped out into the night,
and then, I heard him calling again.

"Laura, come back! Come back!"

"Yes," I said. "I'm coming, Robert. I'll be there soon."

I turned and started around the building. Above me, the
sky was thick with clouds. There were no stars, no promises
for tomorrow.
I stumbled, but ignored the pain. I could hear his voice in
the wind. Sometimes it was loud and sometimes it sounded
far, far away.

"Laura, wait. Where are you going? You can't get to the
highway that way. Laura."

Lawrence grabbed me at the elbow and spun me around.

"Laura, what are you doing? You lost your slipper back
there," he said and gave it to me. I stared at it a moment
and then at him.

"I'm not going back," I said. "Tell my grandmother I'm
not going to give him up."

"What? You're not making any sense, Laura. Aren't you
cold?" he asked, embracing himself. He looked around us.
The weeping willow trees shook in the wind. "That wind is
wild tonight. There's a storm brewing."


"Of course there's a storm brewing," I said, "but that
won't stop us. You can tell her I said that."

I slipped my foot into the slipper and continued down the
path, past the benches and the gardens.

"Tell whom? Laura, you're not making any sense. Laura!"
he shouted.

Someone inside the building heard him. A light went on
and then another. I heard doors opening and voices calling
out into the night. It drove me on faster. I was running
down the hill now, slipping and sliding, losing the slippers
again, but not slowing down. Something inside me told me
not to slow down for an instant or it would be too late.

And besides, he was calling louder and more desperately
each time.

"I'm coming, Robert. I'm coming, my darling Robert," I
cried into the darkness.

Ahead of me, the ocean thundered as the waves slammed
against the rocks and the sea spray flew into the night. My
eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness, but shapes
were still only silhouettes. Some of the rocks had been
stroked so long by the water, they gleamed like jewels in the
night.

I fell and scraped my arm on a rock. It stung, but I didn't
pay any attention to the pain. Instead, I got back to my feet
as quickly as I could and listened. His voice was gone. The
ocean was drowning him out.

"Robert!" I screamed.

"Laura! Where are you?" The voice seemed to come from
behind me, but then I heard it again, this time from directly
in front of me. "Laura. I'm here. Laura!"

"Yes, yes, Robert. I'm here."

I moved more carefully over the smaller rocks, until I
reached the water and the tide slapped at my legs. Concentrating
hard, I could see the boat rising and falling. The
small mast was broken and lay over the side, the sail soaked.
I started into the water.

"Robert!" I called. "Robert!"

The boat lifted again, only this time it came down on its


side and then turned completely over, and after it had, I saw
him, bobbing in the water, his arm up.

"Laura..."

"Robert, I'm coming. Wait."

He disappeared for a moment. I charged ahead, the water
now up to my waist.

"Laura!" I heard someone scream behind me, but I didn't
turn back. That was Grandmother Olivia's trick to get me to
give him up. Don't look back, I thought, or you'll be like
Lot's wife and turn into a pillar of salt.

I started to swim toward the boat. His head reappeared
and then that arm slowly emerged from the dark water, just
as it had many times before in my dreams. I tried to shout
to him as I swam, but it was difficult because the water
slammed into my face and I swallowed some, gagging for a
moment. The waves lifted and threw me back, but I
continued, swimming as furiously as I could now. I wasn't
far from the boat.

His head lifted slowly and his eyes--even in the darkness
without a moon and stars--his eyes were luminous and full
of love.

"Robert, my darling," I called to him and swam and
swam and swam. When I looked up, the boat wasn't any
closer. Was it just the strong tide keeping me back?

My arms ached. My clothing weighed me down. I treaded
water and stripped off my jeans and then my shirt. The tide
carried off its bounty quickly and I turned back to my
swimming, putting all my strength into every stroke. I felt
myself lift and fall with the water and when I looked out
again, there was the boat, but not any closer.

"Robert, I can't lose you. I won't lose you. Don't let them
take you from me. Please."

Miraculously, he appeared only inches away, his head
emerging from the sea, his arms out toward me. I stretched
until our hands joined.

"Robert--"

"Laura," he said. "My Laura."

I felt him draw me closer to him until his arms were


around me. The water didn't matter anymore. I didn't fed
how cold it was or how rough it was. In his arms I felt safe
and warm. We kissed.

"I waited for you," he said. "I knew you would come back
to me, so I waited for you."

"I'm so glad, Robert. I'm so happy."

I turned toward the shore. Someone was waving madly.
He was up to his waist and waving.

"Let's go back," I said, "together."	*,

"No, Laura. We can't go back," Robert said. "Come ..."

He gestured with his head toward the overturned sailboat.

"Oh," I said. I smiled, understanding.

We swam together for a few moments and then I reached
forward to touch the boat. Robert did, too. We turned to
each other and we brought out lips together and kissed as
the darkness swept in over us.

But I was happy, as happy as I had once been.

I was with my love.

Forever.


Epilogue go

The black Rolls-Royce climbed the hill to the clinic slowly,
rising over the crest of the knoll. The automobile came to a
stop in front of the main entrance as the sun was covered by
^ long, dark cloud. The driver got out and quickly opened
^the door for Olivia Logan. He reached in to take her at the
[ elbow, but she shook him oS.

'I'm all right, Raymond," she snapped. She paused after
[emerging and looked at the building as if it were alive and
Ethe windows now glittering like mirrors were the dozens of
f-eyes greeting her.

"Just wait right here," she ordered and made her way to
|the steps.

Raymond watched her obediently for a few moments
efore getting back into the Rolls. He reached for his

spaper and lowered the back of the seat.
Before Olivia Logan reached the entrance, the door
ened and Doctor Scanlon, with Mrs. Kleckner on one
Side and Mrs. Roundchild on the other, stepped forward to
et her. She paused and looked at them, her eyes full of


contempt and accusation. The three seemed to wilt; Herbert
Scanlon, the most. It was as if his clothes were growing on
his body. His shirt collar widened and he pressed the knot
of his tie between his right thumb and forefinger before
reaching out to take Olivia's hand.

"Where is she?" Olivia asked.

"We have her in the infirmary. I'm sorry," Doctor
Scanlon began. "I--"

Olivia put up her black-gloved hand, palm forward.

"Save your explanations for later," she said. "Take me to
her."

The three separated, Mrs. Roundchild stepping back so
Olivia could enter the building.

There wasn't anyone in the lobby. The patients were all at
lunch. Olivia paused, struck by the silence, and then continued
as Herbert Scanlon directed her to another doorway
and the corridor beyond. The two nurses trailed behind,
neither looking at the other, neither saying a word.

"The patients are all in the dining room," Doctor Scanlon
said.

"Except one," Olivia remarked.

He glanced back at his nurses and continued walking.
When they reached the end of the corridor, they turned
right at a door labeled infirmary. Dr. Scanlon opened it
and stepped back for Olivia to enter. The nurse, wearing
a nametag, Suzanne Cohen, rose so quickly from her
desk chair it looked like she had been sitting on springs. She looked at Doctor Scanlon, her face gray with concern.

"This is Mrs. Logan," he said. "She's here to see Laura."

"Oh yes," the infirmary nurse said. "I'm so sorry," she
added.

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I'm not interested in hearing apologies," she replied
Sue Cohen glanced at Doctor Scanlon and saw from the
expression on his face that she should move quickly. y


"This way," she said, and led them through the small
lobby to a rear door and down a short hall, on either side of
which were examination rooms, radiology, a laboratory,
and at the very end, a room that fortunately was used rarely.
It had no label on the door, but everyone who worked there
knew it to be their morgue.

She opened the door and stepped back.
Olivia approached slowly and gazed in at the steel gurney
covered with a sheet, on which lay the body of her granddaughter.
The room had no particular odor. It seemed
aseptic, devoid of any character, or light.

Olivia approached the gurney. Doctor Scanlon moved
quickly to get beside her.

"Let me see her," Olivia demanded.

He lowered the sheet to her neck and Olivia gazed for a
long moment.

Now, now that she was here and they were around her,
she would make demands.

"How did this happen?"

Doctor Scanlon was prepared.

"Another patient with whom she had developed something
of a relationship snuck up to our special floor and
helped her escape down a stairway used by the employees.
He knew of the one door we don't keep alarmed and showed
her the way out of the building. He claimed she wanted to
go home."

Olivia turned with interest.

"Home? Then how did she end up in the ocean?"

"You have to understand," Doctor Scanlon said, "that
this other patient is a seriously disturbed young man
himself. It's taken an enormous effort to get him to be lucid
enough to give us any sensible details. This entire event has
put him into a regression that--"

"I'm not here to discuss him," Olivia said sharply.

Doctor Scanlon nodded.

"Apparently, from what I've been able to garner, she
heard voices."


"Voices? What voices?"

"Mainly the voice of her young man, the one who
drowned. Lawrence--that's this other patient's name--« said she kept calling for Robert. He said as soon as he
showed her the way out, she turned toward the sea and ran.
He tried to stop her, but she was determined."

"She went down to the ocean and deliberately drowned
herself?" Olivia asked incredulously.

"That's not uncommon, suicidal tendencies in cases sudr;
as hers, Mrs. Logan."

"Then why wasn't she guarded, day and night?" Olivia
snapped at him.

"I... well, she was on our most secure floor."

"Secure floor? And yet this other patient was able to get to
her and take her away?"
"No one expected . . ." He looked to Mrs. Roundchild,
who stepped forward.

"She was strapped in, medicated. We had just looked in
on her. He must have been hiding in the doorway, watching,"
she explained.

"Send them away," Olivia commanded with a wave of her
hand.

Doctor Scanlon nodded at the nurses and they all backed
out of the room. As soon as they had, Olivia turned on
him.

"You know I could sue this clinic and you for every penny
you are worth. Word of this sort of negligence would
destroy you," she said, her eyes small, but full of fire.

Doctor Scanlon could barely swallow. He nodded.

Olivia held her hateful glare on him like a spotlight, hot
and intense. Finally, she turned back to Laura.

"It's your good fortune, however, that I don't want wordJ
of this to leave these premises."

"What? But in any death, there's an inquest, reports ..."

"It's your problem," she said. "I don't want this in afifpj
newspaper. We're going to give her a proper burial and 1


will be all. This could devastate my family," she added and
turned, "and I won't permit it."

"I understand. I'll do the best I can."

"No, you'll do what I ask, not the best you can." She looked at Laura again. "We see the results of the best you
can do. I want more than that."

He nodded, sweat trickling down his brow.

"Do you want any of her things, anything you sent?"

"Not at the moment, no," Olivia said. "I hesitate to ask,
because I have some doubts about your competence now,
but was she making any progress?"

"Oh, yes. I think in time I could have effected a complete
recovery," he bragged.

"What did she recall before . . . before this?" Olivia
asked.

"Her family, her parents, her brother and sister, and most
of the tragic event," he replied.

"She said nothing about me?"

"Not a word during my sessions and from what I see of
Southerby's results, not a word with him either," Doctor
Scanlon said.

"What about him?"

"That's taken care of," he said quickly.

"Good. I want it all taken care of, Herbert." She turned
again and fixed her piercing eyes on him, turning his spine
to ice. "I mean it."

"I understand. Is there anything special you want at the
gravesite?"

"No," she said. "Leave me for a moment," she ordered.

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry, Mrs. Logan. Truly."

She said nothing and he left.

For a long while, she stared at Laura's face. Then she took
a short, deep breath and looked up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry about you," she said. "I know you won't ever
understand now, but what I did, I did for my family. Family
4s all that really matters, family name, family loyalty. It's i who we are when we come into this world and who we are


when we leave it, and we must cling tenaciously to it all the
time in between, Laura."

She gazed at her granddaughter and thought how beautiful
she looked, even in death.

"Somehow I knew that after you lost your precious
Robert, you would never have a really happy moment,
Laura. Maybe .. . maybe you weren't so mad, as sick as the
doctors think. Maybe you heard him calling.

"In a strange way," she whispered, "I envy you, my
dear."

She reached out and touched Laura's cold face. Then she
turned and left the room.

Doctor Scanlon escorted her to the front entrance.

"My lawyer will be in contact with you to be sure all is
done as I instruct," she said.

"Yes, I understand," Doctor Scanlon said with a small
nod.

"I want you to do something else for me."

"Of course," Doctor Scanlon said without hesitation,
without hearing it first.

"I want you to tell that young man, that other patient
something."

"Yes?"

"I want you to tell him I don't blame him for anything.
Tell him I thank him for being her friend. Will you do
that?"

"I will. It will help him, Mrs. Logan. It's very kind of
you."

"I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing it for Laura and," she
said, looking at the Rolls-Royce, "for myself."

She started down the steps. Raymond got out quickly and
opened the door. Doctor Scanlon wiped his face with his
handkerchief as he watched her get into her automobile.
When the door closed, he backed up and closed the clinic's
front door.

Raymond got in and started the car. It moved slowly
toward the driveway.


The sun escaped from undat «jks^k.«^s^.-« rays downward over the car, over the grounds, over the
ocean, where the waves were now gentle, the whitecaps
glimmering. Two terns lifted into the warm air and flew side
by side, sweeping down together toward the sea, and then
rose toward the sun as if it were a promise kept between
them.
In moments, they were gone.


POCKET BOOKS
PROUDLY PRESENTS


The First Novel in the
Spellbinding New

ORPHANS

Series!


BUTTERFLY


V.C. ANDREWS


Coming mid-May
from Pocket Books


Turn the page for a preview of

Butterfly . . .

J. was alone in Mrs. McGuire's office, waiting to
meet the couple who had asked for me. When I sat
properly on the straight-back chair beside Mrs.
McGuire's desk, my feet barely reached the floor,
but Mrs. McGuire, the chief administrator of our
orphanage, pounced on any of us if we slouched.

"Posture, posture," she would cry out when she
passed us in the cafeteria, and everyone would snap
his or her back into an ironing board. Those who
didn't usually had to parade about the building with
a book on their head for hours, and if the book fell
oif someone, that person would have to do it again
the next day.

"You're orphans," she lectured to us, "looking for
some nice people to come snatch you up and make
you members of their families. You must be better
than children with parents and homes. You must be

healthier, smarter, more polite and respectful. In
short," she said in a voice that often turned shrill at
the end of her small speeches, "you must become desirable. Why," she asked, sweeping her eyes over
each and every one of us critically, her thin lips
tucked in, "would anyone want you to be their
daughter or son?"

My heart, which everyone told me must be as tiny
as a pocket watch because I was so small, ticked
faster when she fixed those steel-gray eyes on me.
She was right. Who would ever want me? I thought. I
was born prematurely. Some of the boys and even
some of the girls here said I was stunted. One boy,
Donald Lawson, called me the Dwarf.

"Even when you're in high school, you'll wear
children's clothes," he said.

I suppose it made him feel better to make someone
else feel bad. He strutted away with his head
high. My tears were like trophies for him, and the
sight of them didn't make him feel sorry. Instead,
they encouraged him.

"Even your tears are tiny," he said. "Maybe we
should call you Tiny Tears instead of the Dwarf." j

Potential Mommies and Daddies had considered
me before today. Margaret Lester--who was the
tallest girl in the orphanage, fourteen years old, with
legs that seemed to reach up to her shoulders-- overheard some comments they had made about me
and couldn't wait to regurgitate them.

"The man said he thought you were adorable, but
when they found out how old you were, they won
dered why you were so small. She thought you might
be sickly and then they decided to look at someone
else," Margaret said.

No potential parents ever looked at her, so she was
happy when one of us was rejected.

"I'm not sickly," I whispered in my own defense.
"I haven't even had a cold all year."

I always spoke in a soft, low voice. Mrs. McGuire
said I had to appear more self-assured.

"It's fine to be a little shy, Janet," she told me.
"Goodness knows, most children today are too loud
and obnoxious, "but if you're too modest, people
will pass over you. They'll think you're withdrawn,
like a turtle more comfortable in his shell. You don't
want that, do you?"

I shook my head, but she continued her lecture.
"Then stand straight when you speak to people
and look at them and not at the floor. And don't
twist your fingers around each other like that. Get
your shoulders back. You need all the height you can
achieve."

When I was called to her office today, she had me
sit in the chair and then paced in front of me, her
thin high heels clicking like little hammers on the
tile floor, as she advised and directed me on how to
behave once the Delorices arrived. That was their
names, Sanford and Celine Delorice. Of course, I
hadn't set eyes on them before. Mrs. McGuire told
me, however, that they had seen me a number of
times. That came as a surprise. A number of times? I
wondered when, and if that was true, why had I
never seen them?

"They know a great deal about you, Janet, and
still they are interested. This is your biggest opportunity.
Do you understand?" she asked, pausing to
look at me. "Straighten up," she snapped.

I did so quickly.

"Yes, Mrs. McGuire," I said.

"What?" She put her hand behind her ear and
leaned toward me. "Did you say something, Janet?"

"Yes, Mrs. McGuire."

"Yes what?" she demanded, standing back, her
hands on her hips.

"Yes, I understand this is my big opportunity,
Mrs. McGuire."

"Good, good. Speak loudly, and speak only when
you're spoken to, and smile as much as you can.
Don't spread your legs too far apart. That's it. Let
me see your hands," she demanded, reaching out to
seize them in her own long, bony fingers before I
could offer.

She turned my hands over so roughly my wrists
stung.

"Good," she said. "You do take good care of
yourself, Janet. I think that's a big plus for you.
Some of our children, as you know, think dirt
belongs on their bodies."

She glanced at the clock.

"They should be arriving. I'm going out front togreet
them. Wait here and when we come through
the door, stand up. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Mrs. McGuire." Her hand went behind her
ear again. "Yes, Mrs. McGuire," I said, louder thif',
time.

She shook her head and looked very sad, her eyes
full of doubt.

"This is your big chance, your best chance, Janet.
Maybe, your last chance," she muttered, and left the
office.

I wished I could remember my real mother, but
my earliest memories began with my life in an
orphanage. I had been in one other besides this one,
transferred when I was nearly seven. Now I was
almost thirteen, but even I would admit that I
looked no more than nine, maybe ten. Because I had
no memories of my real mother, Tommy Turner said
I might be one of those children created in a
laboratory.

"You might have been born in a test tube and
that's why you're so small. Something went wrong
with the experiment," he said. Those who heard him
and understood about experiments in laboratories
laughed.

"Janet's mother and father were test tubes," they
chanted.

"No," Tommy said. "Her father was a syringe and
her mother was a test tube."

"Who named her Janet then?" Margaret asked,
her lips twisted into a smirk.

Tommy had to think.

"That was the name of her lab technician, Janet
Taylor, so they gave her that name," he said, and
some of the children actually came to believe it.

I wished with all my heart there was something,
some fact, some item I possessed that would enable

me to throw my real past back at them and shut
them up, but I had nothing. I was like a butterfl^
who had metamorphosed and forgotten that she was once a caterpillar. In fact, now that she was i,
butterfly and flew above them squirming on the ground, she couldn't imagine how it was ever possible
that she had been one of them. If a wise old
butterfly would tell her that, she would laugh and
say, "What a ridiculous old wives' tale. I'm too
beautiful, too dainty. You're just saying that because
you're old and will soon fall to earth like a dead
leaf,"

Then, the wise old butterfly took her to witness a
metamorphosis and she saw what she had been. It
broke her heart and she fell to earth much sooner
than the wise old butterfly.

I told myself this story because I wanted to keep
myself flying in the sunlight, above the chatter of the
others, above their jokes and cruel remarks, and I
knew, if I believed any of them, I would fall to earth,
too.


"Janet!" I heard Mrs. McGuire stab at me, and my
eyes snapped open. Her face was filled with fury, her
mouth twisted, her gray orbs wide and lit like
firecrackers. "Sit up," she whispered through net
clenched teeth, and then she plastered a smile on her


face and turned. "Right this way, Mr. and Mrs.
Delorice," she said in a much softer tone of voice.

I took a deep breath and held it, my pocket watchsize
heart suddenly sounding like a kettledrum in my
chest. Mrs. McGuire stepped back and I nearly
gasped aloud. A tall, thin, dark-haired man with
sleepy eyes and a cleft chin pushed a wheelchair in
which sat a pretty woman with hair the color of a red
sunset. She had diminutive facial features like my
own, but even more perfectly proportioned. Her hair
floated around her shoulders in soft, undulating
waves. There was nothing sickly or frail looking
about her, despite her handicap. Her complexion
was rich, like peach ice cream, and her lips the shade
of fresh strawberries.

She wore a bright yellow dress, my color for hope,
and a string of tiny pearls around her neck. Her
fingers were dainty and I could see she wore a
wedding ring; pearl earrings in gold settings were
visible when she brushed her hair back. I had rarely
ever seen them, but it looked like she was wearing
ballet shoes, too. If she was in a wheelchair, why was
she wearing ballet shoes? I wondered.

Her husband pushed her right up to me. I was too
fascinated to move, much less speak.

"Mr. and Mrs. Delorice, this is Janet Taylor.
Janet, Mr. and Mrs. Delorice."

"Hello," I said, obviously not loud enough to
please Mrs. McGuire. She gestured for me to stand
and I nearly jumped out of the chair.

"Please, dear, call us Sanford and Celine," the

pretty woman said. She held out her hand and I took
it gingerly, surprised at how firmly she held her
fingers around mine. For a moment we only looked
into each other's eyes. Then I glanced up at Sanford
Delorice.

He was smiling down at me, his eyes opening a bit
wider to reveal their mixture of brown and green. He
had his hair cut very short, which made his long,
narrow face look even longer and narrower. He was
wearing a dark gray sport jacket, no tie and a pair of
dark blue slacks. The upper two buttons on his white
shirt were open. I thought it was to give his very
prominent Adam's apple breathing space.

"She's perfect, Sanford, just perfect, isn't she?"
Celine said, gazing at me.

"Yes, she is, dear," Sanford replied. His long
fingers were still wrapped tightly around the handles
of the wheelchair, as if he was afraid to let go.

"Has she ever had any training in the arts?"
Celine asked Mrs. McGuire. She didn't look at Mrs.
McGuire when she asked. She didn't turn her head
from me. Her eyes were fixed on my face and I was
unable to look away.

"The arts?"

"Singing, dancing ... ballet, perhaps?" she asked,
this time turning toward Mrs. McGuire.

"Oh, no, Mrs. Delorice. The children here are not
that fortunate," she replied.

Celine Delorice turned back to me. Her eyes grew
smaller, even more intensely fixed on me.

"Well, Janet will be. She'll be that fortunate,":

predicted with certainty. She smiled softly. "How
would you like to come live with Sanford and
myself, Janet? You'll have your own room, a very
large and comfortable one. You'll attend a private
school. We'll buy you an entirely new wardrobe,
including new shoes. You'll have a separate area in
your room for your schoolwork and you'll have your
own bathroom. I'm sure you'll like our house. We
live just outside of Albany, with grounds as large as,
if not larger than, what you have here."

"That sounds wonderful," Mrs. McGuire said as
if she were the one being offered the new home, but
Celine Delorice didn't seem interested in Mrs.
McGuire's opinion. She stared at me and waited for
my response.

"Janet?" Mrs. McGuire questioned when a long
moment of silence had passed.

How could I ever refuse this, and yet when I
looked up at Sanford and back at Celine, I couldn't
help feeling little footsteps of trepidation tiptoeing
across my heart. I pushed the shadowy faces out
of my mind, glanced at Mrs. McGuire and then
nodded.

"I'd like that," I said.

"Good," Celine declared. She spun her chair
around to face Mrs. McGuire. "How soon can she
leave?"

"Well, we have some paperwork to do. However,
knowing as much as we do about you and your
husband, your impressive references, the social
worker's report, et cetera, I suppose—"

"Can we take her with us today?" Celine demanded
impatiently.

My heart skipped a beat. Today? That fast?

Mrs. McGuire looked at Sanford Delorice and
then at Celine.

"I imagine that could be done," she finally replied.

"Good," she said. "Sanford, why don't you stay
with Mrs. McGuire and fill out whatever paperwork
has to be filled out. Janet and I can go out and get
more acquainted in the meantime," she said. It was
supposed to be a suggestion, I guess, but it came out
like an order.

"There are documents that require both signatures,"
Mrs. McGuire said dryly.

"Sanford has power of attorney when it comes to
my signature," Celine countered. "Janet, can you
push my chair? I don't weigh all that much," she
added, smiling.

I looked at Mrs. McGuire. She nodded and I
walked behind the chair. Sanford stepped back and I
took hold of the handles.

"Where shall we go, Janet?" she asked me.

"I guess we can go out to the garden," I said. Mrs.
McGuire nodded again.

"That sounds wonderful. Don't be any longer than
you have to, Sanford," she called back as I started to
push her to the door. I went ahead and opened it and
then I pushed her through.

I made the turn and started down the corridor,
overwhelmed and amazed with myself and what was

happening. I finally found parents, but also a mother
who wanted me to take care of her, perhaps as much
as I wanted her to take care of me. What a strange
and wonderful new beginning, I thought as I
wheeled Celine Delorice toward the sunny day that
awaited us.

The Phenomenal

V.C. ANDREWS8


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All she wanted was to be someone's little girl....

Fate made her a lonely orphan, yearning for the
embrace of a real family and a loving home. But a
golden chance at a new life may not be enough to
escape the dark secrets of her past...


don't miss any of the four novels
in the orphan series


Butterfly

Crystal

Brooke

Raven

ALL AVAILABLE THIS SUMMER FROM POCKET BOOKS!


*** only $3.99! «***"


And look for the thrilling VC. Andrews novel

that brings these girls together: Runaways

Coming this fall!


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