ly drag up the ugly past r?" Kenneth muttered* ft what Grandma Olivia says," I retorted harshly. (tnne she's right. Nothing can be changed and all it ill make people unhappy." Sxcept I'm the one who doesn't know what she has to ». I don't know who my real father is," I said. He was ». "Do you know?" ,<00k," he said, "if you want answers to those questions, ; yow relatives. Once, I knew your mother. She was a aitiful young woman. We had a good relationship for a Be and then her lifestyle got between us and she went her f and I went mine. I don't condemn her, blame her, look wa on her." "Kw're not answering my questions," I pursued. He shook his head. "I don't know the answer," he snapped. "There were a lot if rumors, nasty rumors, and the next thing I heard was she ad Chester had run off." tbs tears were streaming down my cheeks now. I turned ly from him. rou're not telling me what you really know," I fired back f stomped down the sand hill to the beach. I folded my is and walked along. Moments later I felt his hand on my --aider. g^ ""Way do you want me to tell you unpleasant things?" he ^-^falseS when I turned. Y Tm old enough to hear the bad with the good, Kenneth," tsaid, full of fire and determination. He nodded. >- "Okay. You want the bad with the good? Well..." V.C. Andrews® Books Flowers in the Attic ^y ^^ „ Petals on the Wind ;^~^mw ,^*1 If There Be Thorns , .;?»., ' ^a..... My Sweet Audrina i^- ;- *' Seeds of Yesterday f^;, .,. .f Heaven T'°tl,^a»ia - . ^ Dark Angel .$:.^--* ,: Darkest Hour - ^ ^"i':: - :: Ruby - .." ' Pearl in the Mistr All That Glitters Hidden Jewel Tarnished Go^, Melody -"-:':: yalg^-;^ '/,^A;N8^tile'E^.S'&&fc$'; ..: i, jf» '*';».^jS<..;^%^s»»"'*'$g.^'::'"s;Kr. ^p'^fcsKf..'-.-^^",^ Heart Song ;;,, k^-,^ si-t^ gs'sr'atyw 'w . ^; ^! Published by POCKET BOOKS For orders other than by individual consumers. 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Following the death of Virginia Andrews, the Andrews family worked with a carefully selected writer to organize and complete Virginia Andrews' stories and to create additional novels, of which this is one, inspired by her storytelling genius. * I'll ,'£:S-~- This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. . ., An Original Publication of POCKET BOOKS A Pocket Star Book published by POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 Copyright © 1997 by The Virginia C. Andrews Trust and The Vanda Partnership All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. : For information address Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 ISBN: 0-671-53472-6 . :. First Pocket Books printing June 1997 10 987654321 V.C. Andrews is a registered trademark of the Virginia C. Andrews Trust. POCKET STAR BOOKS and colophon are registered ;& trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc. ; ^'. :- Stepback art by Lisa Ealkengem^*^g.^ ^ -9Sf!--sffK Printed in the U.S.A. '^ ---^- ' :^'- ^ auloo oi 9tu p9?[SB l^upBq Aoqi 'ijb jayv 'paiuBMun 'amoopAvun paj am §ui5[Kui joj suoseaj uavo Jiaqi aABq 11^ Aaqi inq '001 'ajb^ puB 'bjbs W^V 'qooef 9700^ 'vpuijag vvipweiQ 'pnures vdpuvjr) 'viaijo FGzpc&y .'fasSyY ^7 ^ivy^iw^'arSApy/ si.v/y /i}3^93 jou aij 'asjnoo jq 'u^qdjo ub 'suoib [[b aui §uiAB3 'psunq pue pB3p 'avou suoS sj^Aaqi Avoq g^noqe 'Xppep-dais aui puB XniuiopM inoqe Sui^uiq^ S|'uB90o aqi ^ ino suubis 'ajsq SABp aui jo aubui puads 'gull Am Xdn330 01 spuauj pue sapjBd jo pBaisiq ^ft " ' -pssnjuoo pvns Apuoi os qoeaq siqi uo gui^is aq ^uppOM. i aqABUl ^usjagip sq „ ^pinoM ajii aui aqABUl 'J3§uo paures-ip 'jspreq paqsiM RSlpJ ^I110!! 'auigBun J3A3 pinos i u^qi ured pue ssaupes galajom Suuq pmoM. sjbsx Suiuios aq^ (Bqi uavou?( --*;5^; . ',»- /? ^ySAnio pj ji 'go '^PP^Q P^ auiuio]a[ p3Ui 01 amoq '*?A;§uuq pj spuaujAoq iBpsds sql 'pus-HB pj sapJBd sql '35[Bui pj spusuj aqi nB jo paureajp i 'jspio M3J§ I U9qM 3ABq pj 9JI1 9qi JO 3uiUIE9Jp 'AAOpUIM. ,^ jsireji jno ino §ui?[0oi sjnoq puads pj 'pig apiil ^ sy V. C. ANDREWS -^ 1 live with them. In fact, in all my sixteen years they hadn't asked for me at all. When Mommy first brought me to Provincetown after my step-daddy died, I couldn't believe she was y going to leave me with strangers. I didn't know them, ^ and, family or not, they made it clear they didn't want to know me. They couldn't get past the fact that I was ^.^Haille's child and the Logans had nothing but hate "- and contempt for my mother. I begged Mommy to take me with her, not to leave me grieving all alone. I had just lost the only daddy I had ever known, and 'now she was leaving too! But nothing I did or said -would make her stay; she was determined to become a famous actress or model and she said I would just stand in her way. At first I believed Mommy would come back for me. Surely she would miss me as much as I missed her. Didn't she cry herself to sleep each night as I did, missing Daddy, missing our old life back in Sewell, West Virginia? But no, Mommy was too self-absorbed to miss me or think of me or even to remember to call when she said she would. I finally realized that I was stuck in Provincetown for good. Oh how I hated Mommy for being so selfish, for running off with her , lover Archie Mariin and leaving me with this family who hated me, hated her, and wanted me to be .. someone I wasn't. It seemed the only way I fit into the SLogans' life was if I replaced my cousin Laura, Gary's twin who had died in a boating accident. But I didn't want to be Laura, I wanted to be me! But who am I? When Daddy died and I learned he was really my step-daddy, I was left with a million questions. Who was my real Daddy? Did he think of me? Did he even know I existed? I thought I could find some answers with the Logans, but they refused^' to discuss my search for my father and became more secretive with each question I asked. Cary was the^y-? only one who would help me, and together we learned??", >&„ v" *.^. „ -^ ^ ~ sf^ %? HEART SONG that Kenneth Childs, a local artist and friend of the family, was once in love with Mommy and could possibly be my father. I hadn't had long to rejoice in my news when word came that Mommy had been killed in a car accident m California. Was I never to be happy again? It seemed that whenever anything good happened to me it was always followed by some horrible tragedy. What could be worse than losing Mommy? I thought a part of me died with Daddy, but it wasn't until Mommy was gone too that I realized how truly alone I was. If only I could find my real father I knew he would make things different. Better. I would have a whole new life with him, a life where I was loved and cared for, a life like the one I remembered in West Virginia. Kenneth Childs just had to be my real daddy. He had to be. Curiosity Killed the Cotig ^.i- SW i'm leaving. Aunt Sara!" I shouted toward the kitchen as I hurried to the front door after hearing Kenneth Childs blow the horn of his jeep. Cary had introduced me to Kenneth at the beginning of the summer, and it wasn't long after that Kenneth hired me to be his assistant. Kenneth was mostly a loner and a bit of a slob, so I helped him around the house, cooking, cleaning, generally keeping him organized, as well as helping him around his art studio. As I cleaned and swept and dusted I waited, waited for him to open up to me, to tell me if I was his daughter. When Grandma Olivia revealed that my true grandmother was really her sister Belinda, I realized that Uncle Jacob and Aunt Sara were not actually my uncle and aunt; they were my cousins, as were Cary and May. But because Jacob was my stepfather's brother, I continued to call him Uncle and call Sara, Aunt Sara. Cary was happier knowing we weren't as closely blood related as we both originally thought. Ironically, this made him behave more shyly toward me, as though^npw that a true relationship wasjaot was ^ V. C. ANDREWS i|j || forbidden as some unforgivable sin, he wasn't sure how to proceed. I put these thoughts of Cary and our blossoming ifriendship behind me as I grabbed my gear and 'headed outside to meet Kenneth. As usual, Kenneth's dog, Ulysses, was sitting in the rear of the jeep. His pink tongue was out, and he was panting, looking as if he were smiling in anticipation of my arrival. His ebony coat had streaks of gray running through it, especially around his snout. During one of Kenneth's rare warm moments, he told me Ulysses had become sprier since I had begun to look after him. "Despite his age," Kenneth added, for Ulysses was nearly a hundred in human years. So far, that remark about Ulysses was the closest Kenneth had come to giving me a compliment. He had merely grunted his approval when he saw how well I had cleaned and organized his home, and he simply nodded when I did the same in the studio. J^gy Most of the time, he was so absorbed in his work, we i?t barely spoke. He made it clear from the beginning that he wouldn't tolerate any interruptions to his concentration, so once he stepped into that studio haaaafcte and began something, I had to move like a ghost. "An artist has to step out of the real world and < dwell in the world of his own creation if he is to succeed," he explained. "It takes a while to get there, and when he's jarred out of it, for whatever reason, it's like starting all over again each time he goes back to what he was doing. Understand?" -aw- - ~o ^ I nodded and he seemed satisfied. -.. s'''i|§ "Morning," he said as I stepped up and into the jeep. ^"< ^'-'s^vs^-i ','-, I,-*- s... "Good morning."fst9s <6te*"'' --^ »? - I had my hair brushed back and tied with one of Laura's mauve silk ribbons and I was wearing what was to become my summer uniform: a sweatshirt and dungarees and a pair of sneakers without socks. The JT-. HEART SONG ' ^ sweatshirt was navy blue with Provincetown printed _ . on it in faded white lettering and it, too, had been Laura's. When I had first arrived in Provincetown to live with Uncle Jacob and Aunt Sara, I felt funny wearing Laura's things. I saw how much it bothered Cary, but if I refused to wear anything Aunt Sara suggested I 'Qr wear, she became very hurt. Now, Cary accepted it - ^ and I... I had the feeling Laura would want me to - k- wear her clothes, even though I had never met her and knew her only from what I heard and the pictures of ^ her I had seen. ^jUlysses leaned forward for my hug and licked my ieS To pp 8|iy » "Good morning, Ulysses." I laughed. "Don't eat me for breakfast." "I think it's going to be overcast all day today. Might even rain," Kenneth said as he turned the jeep around and we bounced over the road. For New Englanders, especially Cape Codders, I thought, the weather was the safest topic to discuss. Everyone had something to say about it, and it usually had nothing to do with politics or religion, although I had heard Judge Childs at one of Grandma Olivia's formal luncheons recently blame the Democrats for too much rain last year. "I don't mind the thunderstorms. We had them in West Virginia, but I wouldn't want to be in a hurricane," I said. "No. I've been in a few and they're not pleasant." We turned onto the highway and headed out toward the Point, where Kenneth lived and had his studio. Although the jeep rode well enough, it looked as weathered and worn as an old pair of shoes, the sort you hated to give up because they were so comfort- * able. Despite his success as an artist, Kenneth had few of the trappings of wealth. He just didn't look as if he belonged in a shiny new luxury automobile. It would S *^©-. „,- ^"iB; ^-W-JS'- ." ^-»"W3 S^^S^; Sgg V. C. ANDREWS 3gg S?*^ ^** be impractical for him to drive it over the beach road to his home anyway. I had been working for him only a little more than a week, but I already knew that he didn't spend much time relaxing by the ocean. Occasionally, he went for a walk to think through something artistic that confused him, and it was mainly from those walks and the driving he did in the open jeep that he got his bronze color. His darkened complexion brought out the hazel specks in his otherwise often dark brown eyes, especially during the morning hours, when he looked so bright and alert. As usual, he wore a pair of leather sandals, ragged jeans, and one of his faded blue T-shirts. This one had some small holes down the right side. With his full beard looking a bit more straggly than usual, he could easily pass for a homeless man, I thought. However, he did keep his dark brown hair neatly tied in a pony tail. Most of the time, he simply had it tied with a short piece of string. Today he had it bound with a thick rubber band. He had a small gold dot of an earring in his right lobe, and wore a shiny piece of black driftwood shaped in a half moon tied around |--a, ^jig ngg^ ^^ ^ string of tiny sea shells. I He drove quietly, his eyes fixed on the road, his face ^.g so still, it reminded me of the faces on his statues. *" There was just the slightest twitch in the muscles of , his jaw. I thought he had the type of face that would make any woman's heart flutter when he looked her way, or even when he didn't. Despite the cloudy sky, the air was warm. Province- ,town was crowded with summer tourists. There was much more automobile traffic than usual, and even at this early hour, there were people walking along the streets. Kenneth didn't rage about the invasion of outsiders as did so many other Cape Codders I had met. He spent so little of his time in town, he didn't seem to notice or care. And then, of course, there was y. HEART SONG the prospect of his works being sold faster when the tourists arrived. Their dollars were just as good as local dollars he told me when I mentioned Uncle Jacob's attitude. "Did you see anything in the marble block yet?" I asked as we approached the beach road that wound around and over the dunes to his home and studio. He glanced at me quickly, looked forward, and then shook his head. "Nope," he said. "Nothing." ^. "How can you be sure it will come?" I asked. It^ took him so long to respond, I thought he wasn't going 1"" to answer. "It always has before," he finally said. The first day he brought me to the studio to work for him, I saw he had a six-foot-tall by nearly four- foot-wide block of marble. He told me it had been delivered the week before. "It's just like a blank canvas," he explained. When I said I didn't understand, he approached it, put his ^ hand on the stone, and lowered his head as if in^ prayer. Then, he walked around the piece as he began "" his lecture. "The ancient Greeks believed the artistic work was already in the stone. The artist's job is to free it, to bring it out." - * ,1 /' .« "It's in the stone?" ^ "f-- '- - " * "Yes," he said, almost smiling at my incredulity. "This is what is meant by the artist's vision. In time it _ ^ will appear to me." I stared at the marble, looking for some hint, some small indication of a shape within, but I saw nothing. At the time I wondered how long it would be before he saw something. According to him it had been over two weeks and he still hadn't, but he didn't seem upset or nervous about it. He had a patience, a calmness, I had already come to admire. Although I had been trying to ask him casually > 9 V. C. ANDREWS about himself all week, I still knew very little about him. He never volunteered any information and getting him to answer my questions was like pulling porcupine quills out of a hound dog. ,. - ^.^ * The house and studio came into view. ^ 'life; "Were you always artistic?" I asked. "Even as a child?" "Yes," he said. We pulled up to the house and he turned off the engine. Then he reached back for a bag of groceries he had bought before picking me up. "Did my mother ever see anything you created?" I asked quickly. He didn't pause. He opened the door, the groceries under his arm. "Everyone I know has seen something I did one lime or another," he said and headed for the house. I watched him in frustration as he walked away from my questions. I keep giving him opportunities to open up a conversation about the past, I thought, and every ^ time, he shuts the door in my face. No matter how 'f^ hard I struggled to find a common ground, a topic of g conversation that would lead us to talk about the past 5 and maybe produce the revelations I expected, Kenneth either ignored me or changed the subject. So far, he had succeeded in keeping himself shut up in his work and his private thoughts. | J j3 I S°t out of the jeep, Ulysses following behind me. j- | ^ Kenneth paused at the door. " i "Just put all this away and then come to the studio. J I want you to prepare some clay. I've decided to do those vases for the Bakerfields to kill time while I wait g| for my vision. They've been after me for months and bw' ^ey have so much money, it's obscene. Might as well j help them lessen the burden of their wealth," he y' ^j added dryly and entered the house. ^ Were all artists as disdainful of their customers? I wondered. He acted as if he were doing everyone who liked his art work a favor, instead of being grateful for all the attention he was receiving. Hundreds, prob- >TA i o *'- ^' HEART SONG | : ably thousands of artists would die to be in his shoes, ^ flthought. J I was beginning to wonder if I even liked the man [who could be my father, much less ever come to love jhim. Was it possible for me to love him anyway? Is plood enough to bind two people? Surely love had to ^ Icome from other things, the most important of which S| iwas trust. Trust was coming hard to me these days, as " I one by one everyone and everything I'd come to believe in had let me down. When I decided to take the job and work for Kenneth, I hoped that just being around him, seeing how and where he lived, would make it possible for me to understand him, but Kenneth's house, fumi- is^ ture, clothing, and possessions were as inscrutable as ~"^. everything else in his life. The day Cary first brought ^ me to the house, I ventured up to the front windows and peered in. Cary had described Kenneth's fumi- "-'-' ture as something from a thrift store. When I looked "^ in, I realized he hadn't been exaggerating. ,^ I did the best I could with the thinned and frayed rugs and the worn easy chair, settee, and scratched wooden tables, however polishing and cleaning only seemed to bring out their age and damage. But the house did need a good once-over. I found cobwebs in almost all the corners and sand tracked in everywhere. The windows were clouded with salt and dust and the kitchen was a disaster. The stove was caked with grime, the stove top stained. It took me most of my first week just to get the kitchen clean enough to use. Again, I wondered if all artists were like Kenneth Childs, and if they were, why would anyone really want to be one? His bedroom wasn't any different from the rest of the house. I could have planted flowers in the dirt under the bed and behind the dresser. I swept and washed the wooden floors. I took all of his clothes out ^ * 'V. C. ANDREWS IBS and ironed most of them. I emptied the dresser drawers and arranged everything in an orderly fashion and then I washed the windows and polished everything I could. | At first I really thought he was absentminded. He didn't seem to notice any difference, or if he did, he & behaved as if he expected it. I had to fish for approval. "Is the housework all right?" I finally asked. That was when he gave me his grunt. Kenneth's lack of appreciation for my work made me furious, and I left to walk Ulysses on the beach and blow off some steam. In many ways Kenneth was as selfish and self-absorbed as my mother. He was so oblivious to others around him that I thought I could probably up and quit and it would take him three or fr four days to notice that I wasn't coming around any- ^fe^-i- more. But I couldn't just give up and go home. j Jft | y Kenneth could hold all the answers I'd been searching'' |jl ^ : for. If only he'd just notice something other than his ; l" " damn art. He wasn't like my step-daddy, who took the , time to praise the little things I'd done around our j little trailer, even things I thought were too insignificant to notice. It seemed as if nothing mattered to Kenneth but his art, and if I didn't fit neatly into the world he'd created around his talent, then I would surely be left out of his life, no matter whether I was his daughter or not. In my short time with Kenneth I'd found that walking along the beach had a soothing effect on me. The rhythm of the waves, the sheen on the surface, the jsg ,; vastness of the horizon put everything in perspective '' -1 JSs and made me realize I needed to be patient, to wait -f I-*? calmly for answers. If Kenneth were truly my father, I | [^ he would let me know in his own time, in his own Ijgir-1 ^' way. No matter how long it took, I would wait for him jfj -s -^ to tell me the truth; it was coming as surely as the next -1' wave would wash upon the shore. jigg ^' So I swallowed my pride and returned, to keep „- '^~ ' ^ ". a"^? ' ^ 12 - - ^- 1 HEART SONG Kenneth's house in order, prepare his meals, and help with his artistic materials. Occasionally, he left me alone in his studio, and when he did, I wandered about gazing at some of his drawings and sculptures, ^ always looking for some clue, something that would "' tell me more about him. And maybe, just maybe, about myself. || The studio itself was mainly just a large room. On "' one side were tables and a kiln, and on the tables were his tools and materials, which I had recently reorga- .^ nized. There was a beat-up tweed settee in the far r^ corner with a driftwood table in front of it. When s? someone sat on the settee, a cloud of dust rose from the cushions, so I spent a lot of time vacuuming it. The only truly curious thing in the studio was a door set into the back wall that Kenneth kept locked with a combination lock. I assumed it was where he kept his hazardous chemicals and asked him if he wanted me to do any cleaning in there. He virtually ,. barked at my question. "No. Leave that room alone." But I couldn't help thinking about it. Why was it necessary for him to keep that door locked? He didn't even lock his house, nor did he bother to lock the door to the studio. One afternoon, when I was alone in the „, studio, I tried to peek through the locked door, but it ^ was too dark behind it to see anything. I told Cary about it and he was intrigued, too. Today, I spent most of the morning working with Kenneth in his studio, watching him shape and mold the vases. The first few times I had been in the studio while he worked, he simply acted as if I weren't even the re. Of course, after hearing his warning about it, I didn't make a sound, but twice, and now a third time, ^ he talked while he worked, but it was always about art. "Yes, I've been artistic for as long as I can remember," he said, returning to the conversation we'd V. C. ANDREWS SS | now. Sculpture is probably the oldest art form and has undergone only minor variations. Real sculpting, that is," he added glancing at me. I sat on a wooden stool and watched and listened. "I don't go for this new, radical stuff, welding, using neon tubes. A gimmick is not art. An artist has to be authentic. That's the most important thing. An artist must always be true and as pure and simple in his impulse as he or she can be," he lectured. He stepped back and looked at the vase he was shaping. It was different from any I had ever seen. It was almost shaped like an S. "I don't recall seeing any of your works in Grandma Olivia's house," I said. "How come she doesn't have anything? She's such good friends with your father and he's so proud of you." Kenneth paused and stiffened as if I had lashed him with a whip. He never talked about his father, nor, as far as I could tell, did they ever spend time with each other. Without answering my question, he turned back to his work. "By using soft, yielding materials like this," he ', explained, "a sculptor can capture and record fleeting "I impressions much the way a painter does in a quick sketch." sr-fr-s . »g^~ |N "It's very interesting," I said. <-> ^ -»v , i*! "Everything I do is different. I don't believe true art | [i^ can be mass produced. It's a contradiction to repro- ;3-'*' ' duce it. If it's art, it is by definition one of a kind." "But then how would people who can't afford them ever have nice things? Not everyone can afford an - original." ' J a' "Let them go to museums," he replied. Then he paused and glanced at me. "I've given things away to people who can't afford to buy them if I believed they really appreciated the art. Lawyers do pro bono work; so can artists," he added. "This town is full of HEART SONG ^' f^ - business people disguised as artists. If you're in it for : the money, you're a hypocrite," he added bitterly. "But everyone needs money to eat, to live," I protested. "That just follows," he said. "You don't make it a priority. The art, that's the priority." He paused and really looked at me. "Don't you feel that way about I* your music?" ^ "I'm not really that good," I said,. 's& He turned away with a shrug. ?^ "gs ^jr "If you say you're not, you're not," he muttered. "You have to believe in yourself if you want anyone gy else to believe in you," he added. The hardness of his 'words brought tears to my eyes. I felt a lump grow in "S^ my throat and had to look away for a moment, but he 'ysdidn't notice, or if he did, he chose not to pay s" attention. "I'm actually working up an appetite," he said. fsS. "Why don't you go think about lunch." I nodded and slipped off the stool. I looked back once before leaving the studio. He was working on his vase, seemingly oblivious to the questions his words brought to my mind. Would I ever find something to ^ believe in so strongly? Kenneth had his art, ^ Momma'd had her acting, even Uncle Jacob had his fishing business. But does believing in yourself mean ^5 you become so distanced from others that no one can r^ believe in you? It was the first, but far from the last time the 3 thought occurred to me that Kenneth Childs hid ^ behind his art, used it like a shield or a fortress to keep anyone and everyone away from touching him. ""^i Why? I wondered, and understood that when I found the answer to that, I would find the answer to every- ~, thing there was between us. a3! £ Sometimes Kenneth chose to eat his lunch in his studio, staring at his work in progress and thinking as he ate. If he did that, I ate my lunch on the beach with Ulysses at my side. But it was when Kenneth and I ate lunch together in the kitchen that he was the friendliest and the warmest. At these times I had the feeling he was trying to relax with me, ease himself into more ^ personal conversations, almost the way someone Hg might lower himself into a hot bath. This particular afternoon, we ate together in the kitchen. I made us cheese and turkey sandwiches on Portuguese bread and some fresh lemonade. "How do you like going to school here?" he asked. "It's all right. I've had good teachers. Mama Arlene l used to tell me school was like anything else--it's as good as you make it, as you want it to be." "Who are this Mama Arlene and Papa George you've mentioned? I don't recall any Logan relatives by those names," he said. When he grimaced, the lines at the corners of his eyes deepened and cut through his temples, almost as if someone had taken a pencil and drawn them. As I explained who they were, he ate, listened, and nodded. ' 5 "Despite what I have learned about my family, I still think of them as my grandparents," I concluded. "But Papa George died and Mama Arlene moved away from Sewell?" "Yes. I visited his grave when I visited my step- daddy's." He stared at me intently and then looked out the window. I thought he would grow interested in something else, the glide ofatem, the shape of a cloud, and drift off in his own thoughts as he so often did. But instead he turned back to me. "What exactly have you learned about your owe family?" he asked. My heart began to thump. Was this it? Was this the moment I had been waiting for? "First, I was surprised to discover Mommy haci 16 «& HEART SONG @ been brought up with my step-daddy, the two of them living as brother and sister. Nether of them had ever told me that." f'l,,- He nodded. ' * " ^ "Yes," he said, "they were like brother and sister688 Brothers and sister I should say, for Jacob was there, too. When I was little and I used to play with them, I didn't realize Haille had been adopted by the Logans. As far as I knew, she had always been there, part of that family. And then one day, I think I was about nine or ten, something like that, Jacob told me. He just blurted it out like kids do. He said something like. . . . Haille's not really our sister. She's a waif." Kenneth laughed to himself and I didn't move or utter a sound for fear he would stop and I'd never learn anything about my past. He continued, "At the time I thought he said 'wave.' But he said it again, and finally I asked my father what that meant and he explained that the Logans adopted her, but I didn't learn who her mother was until much, much later. No one has a better lock on the door to their closet of skeletons than the Logans, especially Olivia Logan." "How did my mother feel about being an orphan?" "I think it bothered her only because Olivia made a point of reminding her," he said. ,ggg ^ -^- -- "Maybe that's why . . ." .a. s "&» ^ "Why what?" g| "She was so wild," I said reluctantly. I hated saying " anything bad about her, especially since she was no longer here to defend herself. "She was just rebelling." as-'J* Kenneth didn't agree or disagree. He just glanced out the window again then said, "I like Olivia. She and I have a healthy respect for one another when we see each other, but she is like the dowager queen of Provincetown. There's no one with bluer blood. Haille was never impressed with all that. In a sense _f V. C. ANDREWS 31 you're right. The truth is I think she hated not knowing where she came from, hated who Olivia wanted her to be." "No one likes not knowing who their parents are," I said. "No one wants to be an orphan." He turned to me again, and again I held my breath. "Sometimes, you're better off not knowing," he finally replied. „ ^ "How can you be better off not knowing?"^ .„ I "It's like you have a clean slate, no one's sins to overcome or forget. You can be yourself, and anyone who can be an individual these days is lucky, especially if he can make a living at the same time. ^" Speaking of which, I've got to go into town to get ' some supplies," he added and stood. "Got to earn money. I'll be back in a few hours." I sat there fuming, feeling as if I had hit another wall of silence about my past. How could he be so cold about it? If he was my father, why didn't he just admit it? Was he afraid I would ask to move in with him? Was he afraid he would have to provide for me? Maybe, just as he said, I was better off not knowing. I could create my father out of my own imagination ii IS& an^ i^ake him perfect. He would have no skeletons in his closet and no sins to weigh on both of us. He would be like some mythical god, who sailed in on a cloud of sea mist and strolled confidently into Provincetown and when he saw Mommy and she saw him they fell in love instantly and spent warm nights on the beach. One day, he was just gone and then I was born. Now that I was here, one day or one night I would be on the beach and my mythical father would appear and tell me everything was all right. I wasn't an orphan and I had a destiny. Dreams, I thought. They're the riches of a poor person, stashed in treasure chests buried deeply in the ^imagination. But are dreams enough? ^^...y $?b- 18 _: ' 5^i - * ~- ^Ssf. sr ^ ^"^Pl HEART SONG 3I cleaned up and took Ulysses for his afternoon walk. The clouds had broken up and the sky had become a quilt with deep, large patches of blue. The breeze was still strong, making my hair dance around my face. The breakers were high and sparkling, and once again I turned to the sea for answers. I was so lost in my own thoughts and the surf was so loud, I didn't hear the horn or the shouts until I turned to look back at the house and saw that Cary had driven up in his truck and was waving wildly from the top of a dune. I waved back and started toward him. __ ^ ^ blushing. He nodded. "Yes, yes," he r&it." ? think I completely understand," I said. First, I'll draw the picture and then I'll V. C. ANDREWS figure out a method, materials I want to use to: mockup. You'll be more than just the model. Yo my assistant. I'll show you how to start on the and you'll do some of the preliminary work. / assistants often help with the rough cuttii chiseling." "Model?" I said. "Of course. It's you I see emerging. Think, You came back here to start a whole new life. It ^ you were emerging from the sea. You've been n He was so excited he could hardly cont words. 'TO explain more to you as we go along, bttti work is more than just a classical piece about the of the sea; it's about the birth of femininity, I woman, the depiction of a young girl's transition-i maturity, blossoming, blooming, exploding in' sexuality. Just the way you are right now," he adc I didn't think it was possible for me to turn more crimson than I had, but my skin felt as if it i on fire. "Me?" I said again, horrified at the thought Kenneth could see all those emotions brewing ii me. "Of course you. This might very well be the important work of my whole life, the pinnacle ofi career," he said. He grew serious as he stepped clos "You'll do this with me, won't you? You're not too s or afraid?" KT___„ "I'll take my time with you and I'll show . everything you need to know every step of the way,* He took my hands into his again. "We're going to ^ this together. You'll be part of something very sign cant. Melody." I nodded, slowly, still in a daze, bowled over by, exhilaration. "We'll start tomorrow," he said. "First, I want HTBART SONG } thinking, envisioning. I want to go Stare at the waves until I get the aent I need. In the morning, I'll s the tools for the rough cut. You hen piece first, okay?" ,.jdBe laughed and slapped his hands b went back to the marble block and fcft as if he drew some sort of energy ' The stood there with his eyes closed aSy. I feel it. This is the vision I've been p< was abbreviated, but she would rather have had' summers off just like the kids who attended regular public school. Ever since I started working 1 Kenneth she had been begging me to take her to S his studio. Uncle Jacob had forbidden it up until no telling her she couldn't miss a day other school just 1 waste time watching me dean someone else's her' and make someone else his lunch. But with Cary the fishing boat and me away most of the day, she h to spend more time alone than ever. She was starv for conversation and attention by the time Cary andj returned from work each day. As usual. May's hands went a mile a mix signing questions, telling me about things she done, and expressing her desire to accompany me Kenneth's studio. I promised I would ask Uncle Jacob again, but sl didn't took hopeful. In fact she looked downright sa May was smaller than most girls her age, and seemed to me that she was even paler and thinn these days. I thought she resembled a flower witho enough rain and sunshine, withering under darkJ oppressive clouds, in her large, shadowed hazel eyes j lingered more dark sufferings than a child her agej should know, I thought. She lived in a silent world, i hearing only her own thoughts, craving smiles, dering about the sound of laughter. It occurred to me that May didn't even know I cry. Of course, from the she knew happiness from approval, but for me, someone Kisic and listen to it, the idea of 'crwhelming. The eternal silence , I thought, and wondered what "ometimcs her strength worked te forgot that she still needed low could Uncle Jacob refuse t have beach sand in his veins I « heart made from an old the things I had done all day, S|l that Gary had visited. I was i opset that he hadn't offered to take (escribed my walks along the beach even (he cleaning I did in Kenneth's d looking at ray hands as though I s most wonderful pictures of fun. Her 1 she nodded and smiled to keep me 6d aloud when I described how Kenneth's jeep whenever the sky and lightning. When she asked me fs paintings and statues, I looked away S about Mommy in Kenneth's secret f I realized that Mommy had lived a ; here. She had made friends she had sd, especially boyfriends. How could : growing up at that big, wonderful on the beach with the sailing and the Kl all the parties? How could she drive aes 4own so deeply that she never even I mentioned something nice to me? Didht ? happiness here? Wasn't there anything longed to see again, to hear again? The ; ocean was so strong, it soaked into your I was sure of that because it already V. C. ANDREWS seemed to be part of me. How hateful and trail* her flight from Provincetown must have been " to keep so many secrets, I thought. May tapped me on the shoulder. I had be absorbed with my musings, I forgot that standing there. I smiled at her and then 1 describe the vase Kenneth was creating. She b( ttKmght about something for a minute, and"! asked me to wait right there in the room unt** returned. She hurried out and I went to the do search for the dress Aunt Sara had described. I) it hanging all the way in the back of the closet.^ was right: it was a happy, bright dress, perfect f" afternoon. Moments later. May returned with a < ing pad in her hands. She hesitated, her eyes with trepidation, and then handed it to me. Curious, I sat on the bed and lifted the cover. I found amazed me. In the pad were excellent It ink drawings, many of which were of me. There' pictures of me standing on the beach, pictures of in the kitchen, and pictures of me holding May's h and walking with her down the street toward tw I quickly signed how wonderful I thought pictures were, and then she shook her head. "What?" I asked, even more curious. She took pad from me and flipped the pages to the end to sl me the inside of the back cover. I gazed down at it; felt my blood freeze in my veins. "I don't understand," I signed. "Aren't these drawings?" She shook her head and I looked at the scribbled on the inside back pages again. "But--" I flipped through the pad, gazing more closely at 1 drawings I thought were drawings of me. I guess it v just that I assumed it was I who had been depict< How strange . . . eerie. This pad had belonged HEART SONG had been the artist and she had drawn ' herself and pictures of herself with May. w, maybe because of the way Aunt Sara i and spoke to me, or because I was living in and wearing her things, I had mistaken imysetf in these drawings. At this moment I Mreciate and understand what Aunt Sara was ^»g when she looked at me with sad eyes Pme I reminded her of Laura. so. draw, too?" I asked May. She shook her tasked me if I wanted to show the pictures to f (.fliaybe I will," I signed, which pleased her. I ftite rest of the pad and found a picture of &*. intrigued me. In it he was standing on the dding his hands out while sand was falling "ts fingers. It was as if he were saying that he thought was important really had no a, as if on cue, I heard Cary coming down . May saw the direction my eyes had taken t in anticipation, too. l|l»e said. "How did the rest of the day go?" gw haothing..." &'»» ft do you have there?" he asked stepping > the doorway. ' brought me these pictures Laura drew and She wants me to show them to Kenneth." ' that I had turned to the page containing the f him. t May that pad the week Laura died," he said, ie. eyes gone bleak, "so she would have some- »cherish, but it's not the sort of thing I wanted » everyone. I don't mind your seeing it, but tswas very choosy about whom she would show V. C. ANDREWS those drawings. Nobody ia school saw them,, her art teacher^ and if die wanted Kenneths them, I'm sure she would have shown them herself." "Okay," I said, trying to hide my nervous 1 "What's funny?" "I thought May had done them and was them to me to show her- own work." I ai though I didn't add that I thought they were j of me. He signed to May, telling her she should 1 pad in her own room where it belonged. She disappointed, but took the pad back when I hai to her. "Did you deliberately pose for any of ther asked. It was more than just curiosity. I wantci know what he felt like modeling for someone, bi| wasn't willing to talk about it. "For a few," he admitted. "I'm starving,"! quickly added to change the subject. "Is di" ready?" "I think so. Did you hear about my invitatic Grandma Olivia's?" "As soon as I walked in the door. It was the thing Ma told me," he said. I "Why just me?" He shrugged. "She wants to get to know you better?" I smiled skeptically. |C "Maybe Grandma's easing up. Old age," he addc II with a grin. i | y We all went down to dinner, where I helped serve; j " noticed throughout the meal that Uncle Jacob v staring at me from time to time. Finally, before j - were finished, he stopped chewing, drank some wat 1 and leaned back. "You mean to tell me," he said as if we were still i '^ the middle of our earlier conversation, "you've "SONG t'-he hasnt mentioned nothin' .^ tso me quickly. M^aid, "but he didn't say they ^involved." olsedy* Uncle Jacob said with a dead. "Romantically involved for % behind some boat house." a said. "Shame on you speaking ; and especially in front of young ^ beard a lot worse," he said, hen at Aunt Sara. "I'm just sayin* ... } «nd place for such talk and you itite dinner table, Jacob Logan," she ftle crimson at the reprimand. The ack, it felt as if we were sitting in a jbs. Yet I thought I knew the underly- . these questions about Kenneth and i a burden to you. Uncle Jacob," I .you would like Kenneth Childs or ^tedt to bein^ my father so he would jQaftef me," I said firmly. SREsrft my whole reason, but it would be fi^to do, wouldn't it?" He looked across SSttnt Sara. "The Bible tells us to suffer the ^iteeans our own, Sara." t^or own," Aunt Sara said. "God brought Ittepose, Jacob,** she retorted with more grit id seen or heard in her voice since first 6 say the same thing or was I to bear the responsibflit of stopping something that we both knew would brm, more problems into this already unstable family? ff1 HEART SONG rhand from his, I would be pulling Mm into m. I wanted to, but I also wanted to be t that it was right. My heart was thumping so i-thought I would lose my breath. His lips had isweet and the warmth that trickled down my fed through my body was a delightful feeling. IH about our kiss was unpleasant to me. ^moonlight reflecting off the ocean lit the worid * Tthe small window. It was as if a giant candle ? lit on a birthday cake to celebrate this birth ^ if it truly was love. What was that special yes Bowed the surge of excitement in your body? id you knoasLwhen the kiss that tingled was a etiss than any other? Where were the bells, the ts» the voices of angels that were supposed to inben true love appeared? ^thoughts zipped through my mind with light- teed. Meanwhile, Gary's courage grew. His ae more intense, firmer, and his other up to caress my shoulders. I felt my 'ten as I kissed him back and let him turn tly into his. He started to move me with the sofa. What would happen? What ? do? I wanted to go along almost out of a "aout myself, to see what I was capable of ? doing. »we reached the side of the sofa and were wer ourselves to it, we heard May's cry at M»f the ladder. led Ais great disappointment and his ad with frustration. I again for me. She -had gone into my ^.fbr me and then realized I was upstairs. start up the ladder. Quickly, we parted ;ened my hair. There was no way I could jaish the flush in my face, but I was sure a't understand. She poked her head s attic doorway. V. C. ANDREWS Cary quickly signed his anger. She looked i hurt. "Don't Cary. I promised her I would play her." He turned away and took a deep breath. I pu hand on his shoulder and he looked at me. "She's all alone much of the day, shut up soundless world. We're all she really has right nc said. He nodded, looking ashamed. Then he sh head and lifted his eyes to me. "'itbu're just like Laura. You bring out the; all of us," he said. I know he meant it to be a big compliment, left me cold. When would he stop comparing i his dead twin sister? Did he have these feelings fo as well? Did everyone see me as someone else? that to be my fate7 Kenneth saw me as some mytl goddess. Aunt Sara saw me as her lost daughter, even May must have seen some of Laura in me to 1 brought me those drawings earlier. Perhaps I wouiri be able to be my own person until I found out who i real father was and everyone knew where I had coa from and to whom I really belonged. All the threads of lies I had started to unravel had! lead me to the threads of truth. Instead of shouting out that I did not want to be ] Laura, I kept my anguish inside and signed to ^ that I would follow her down the ladder. When' looked up as I reached the bottom, I saw Cary gazi.' down at me. The disappointment that lingered in t eyes made him look as distant and as forbidden love itself is for one still searching for her own nan Kenneth's excitement over his new artistic visic hadn't diminished one bit by the time he arrived 1 pick me up the next morning. Even Ulysses seemed < be affected by the change in Kenneth's mood HEART SONG i more energetic; his tail wagged like ;r in a rain storm and he barked as ed in the doorway. I laughed and Sijeep. Almost before I closed the door, the vehicle in gear and whipped it derate and head back to the studio. leep last night," he said. He didn't look owsy to me, however. "I got up twice the studio to look at the block. That i to burst out of there. An artist literally ^seieases it into the world. It's chained to E^he ignorance and blindness of people. arees-Jike^omeone carrying a candle in 1 peels away the shadows." I and looked at me. feFm babbling away, don't you?" aid quickly. Actually, I was afraid he rThe exhilaration in his voice was conta- a moment as he drove. Then he l can understand." -^wasn't artistic," I said. "Was she?" [at me. .her own way, maybe. Haille always liked liags. I used to tease her and say beauty's t deep, and she would reply, so who wants to T He laughed. "Maybe she was right." He to the dune road. „ mi spend a lot of time with her?" <3a. lot. Some," he replied. Then, as if he t he was telling me things that might lead to restions, he stiffened. "What would you say to S on Saturday, too?" t this Saturday. I've been invited to Grand- sa's for lunch.' He shook his head. "And no one refuses an ; from Olivia Logan," he added. V.C. ANDREWS "Why should I refuse" "Kbu shouldn't if you want to go. Well, following Saturday. Just like any other er anywhere, you'll get time and a half for corn" said as we came to a stop by his house. "If I come it's not for the money," I said felt my eyelids narrow into slits of anger and he*< too. It brought a smile to his face. ""You're more like your mother than you know,^ said. J "How come you know so much about her if| only spent some time with her?" I countered. "It's not how long you're with someone, it's; quality of the time," he replied. "Come on, let't started." He reached back for the daily groceries he purchased before picking me up and I followed hu the house. The kitchen was a mess from breakfast, 1 he wanted to get started on our project right aw After he put away the groceries we went directly to 1 studio, where he had an easel set up across from I block of marble and a large artist's pad open on iC "I want to play around with some lines for a wfi| this morning, sort of experiment with shapes, sizi relationships. All you have to do is stand there" quietly and as still as you can," be added, pointii the marble. "Just stand?" "Stand. I'll give you instructions as we go alc-^ Ulysses folded his body at Kenneth's feet aKj positioned myself in front of the marble. I felt a lit V" silly just stanng back at him as he stared at me.' stomach was nervous, too. It made me self-cons< to have him look at me so intently, and for so and we'd only just begun. I shifted my weight one leg to the other and waited. "Look off to the left. Good. Now lift your chin ii a little. A little more. Good. No, don't fold your s HISART SONG with them down at your sides for a ^iss said and worked his pencil quickly ^ la no time at all my neck began to feel irelaxing," Kenneth said. "If you don't feared faster and need more breaks. But I*-be added quickly. "In time you'll get d youll ease up." work with models often?*' I asked. He tibr a while. la" he finally said. "Usually, if I need a e,.! take a mental picture and commit it ' can't you do the same now?" fferent. This is very special, and I told not without a note of impatience, "the s a sense of transition, movement, ; trying to capture a metamorphosis." Lever done anything like this before?" ? to stop asking me questions," he said. king my concentration." oy lips together and closed my eyes. N56 your eyes," he said immediately. I tA^it wider than usual and he groaned e. "Relax. Please. Try to relax." ^," I complained. "Now I know why I a lot of money to do this." "Who said they are?" f7' dang me into talking. Melody. Every r'one of your questions or you force me I stop thinking artistically. An artist has self in the work, not really see the person i anymore, but as the object of his art, and very intense concentration." fht about Mommy in his paintings and if that was precisely what had happened ror if was Cary right Did Kenneth look at her V.C. ANDREWS not as his subject but as a woman he desired? If was right, what did that mean about the way Kea was looking at me? Kenneth told me to turn toward him and he stu me for a while. Then he asked me to look more to i right He flipped his pages and worked and flip; some more pages. Finally, he slapped his pencil on 1 easel and stepped back. "Something's not right," he said. "Am I doing something wrong?" "No, its not you. It's me," He thought a "I'm going down to the sea. You can work in house until I return," he said and marched out off studio. I went into the house and cleaned up the kitchen. | Kenneth still hadn't returned by the time I finished^ 961weal to his bedroom. It looked as if he had beear| wrestling with someone in his bed. The blanket was'| twisted, the sheet was pulled up and nearly half off, | and one of his pillows was on the floor. Clothes were ^ scattered about as if he had thrown them against the I walls. I scooped everything up, deciding what needed ! to be washed and ironed and what needed to be just folded and put in the closet or the dresser. Whenifel couldn't find a second sock, I got on my hands and knees and looked under the bed. Something else attracted my attention. It looked like a photograph. I knew it hadn't been there the week before when I cleaned, so Kenneth must have dropped it recently. I strained and reached under until my fingers found : it and I Oould bring it out. Then I turned, sat with my back against the bed frame, and looked at the picture. It was a picture of Mommy and me when I was no more than two or three. It had been taken in front of our trailer home in Sewell and it was badly faded, the black and white had turned brown. I turned it over and saw the writing was nearly faded, too, but I could make out most of the words and figure out the rest HEAKTSONG i you'd like this picture. Ser wane is ^ I'm sorry. S|?Why was she sorry? Surely, she wasn't sorry r because die had named me Melody. Should 1 wfront Kenneth with the picture and ask him it right now? I wondered. >d up, holding the picture close to my heart. I > the window and looked out at the beach. I arely see Kenneth, sitting a little below a sand ring at the waves. Halted long enough for answers, I thought. I (know the truth. Armed with the photograph 'own resolve, I marched out of the house and he sand toward Kenneth. Ulysses was at his 1 his tail began wagging as soon as I appeared. tdidnt turn, didn't move. He looked as if he ied to stone himself. t^talk toyou?"! asked. »*$ it wait?" he replied. i," I said adamantly. His shoulders sagged a bit as annoyance and he turned. aat's so important?" he moaned. "I can't keep S my concentration broken. This entire thing is aing process. It develops in small stages, but alive period has to remain smooth, fluid. I i-yott understood." at understand a lot of things," I said sharply. fed his eyebrows. I extended my arm toward e picture in my hand. "I found this when I was og up your room. It was under the bed. It wasn't ttec other day." s looked at the picture and then took it from my [x-woadered where this went," he said. "I was *ig atit lastnight." hy do you have it and what does it mean?" I nded. V. C. ANDREWS "What do you mean what does it mean? It is whatll is. A picture of you with Haille. She sent it to me ye ago." "Why?" "Why? I told you. We were friends once." "Just friends?" "Good friends," he said. "Why does she say Tm sorry'?" He shook his head. "You know most of this. She got pregnant and off with Chester. I guess she thought I was dis pointed in her so she wrote, I'm sorry. What's mystery?" "Were you disappointed in her?" "Yes," he said looking at the picture. "I had higher] hopes for her. I wasn't surprised that she eventually] had problems with Olivia and Samuel, but I had higher hopes. Okay?" i Tears burned under my eyelids, but I pressed my lips together and held my breath. He put the picture in his pocket and turned back to the sea. "Why drag up the ugly past now?" he muttered. "That's what Grandma Olivia says," I retorted harshly. "This time she's right. Nothing can be changed and all it does is make people unhappy." « "Except I'm the one who doesn't know what sheri has to know. I don't know who my real father is," if said. He was quiet. "Do you know?" "Look," he said, "this can't be a pleasant subject fcr-yeu^ I d6a*t think I should be the one to say anything. If you want answers to those questions, ask war relatives. Once, I knew your mother. She was a beautiful young woman. We had a good relationship for a while and then her lifestyle got between us and she went her way and I went mine. I don't condemn her, blame her, look down on her. I don't judge people." BSART SONG not answering my questions," I pursued. : his head. at know the answer," he snapped. "There t of rumors, nasty rumors, and the next thing ^ she and Chester had run off." . were streaming down my cheeks now. I / fsom him. not telling me what you really know," I and stomped down the sand hill to the k folded my arms and walked along, just out of I the waves. Moments later I felt his hand on aider. jJ' he asked when I turned. gid enough to hear the bad with the good, t,*' I said, full of fire and determination. He . Ifeu want the bad with rced to talk about the past, he suffered ^remembering. , I thought as he walked away with his i had a lean, tall figure. His face was sed by the sea, sun, and wind, and his pf wisdom and insight beyond his years. e felt angrier at him, disappointed, and oment, for reasons I was yet to under- twow sorry for him than I did for myself. is the one left standing in the darkness. I gwao still felt incomplete, lost, drifting in eeze. I felt like a lone leaf that had fallen tach and longed to return if only some- ing showed it the way. behind Kenneth. He sat again by the 1 stared at the waves. I sat beside him and t at the turbulent sea. ing for just the right one," he said. "Just ^e, the right image. If I took long enough, Bttveil it. Truth requires patience," he I if he were giving me advice. I wondered lang me to be patient. b the sea, he had something more to offer. It k matter of time, time to strengthen me so I idle the truth. r decided. him. And I would trust Kenneth Childs phe was my father or not. Don't Look Back I couldn't help feeling nervous before I went to Grandma Olivia's for lunch on Saturday. I was always"! jittery whenever I was around her, but it seemed to I me she made everyone stand or sit on pins and ^ needles. The only one who appeared at all at ease is ^ her presence was Judge Childs. Even Grandpa Samuel j looked uncomfortable »ost of the time. I winced at 1 the way she dished^lttNting criticism of him and the < Jtt things he did. She talked down to him as if he were an ME insignificant or unintelligent person. I wondered why . he tolerated it, and I couldn't imagine the two of| them, younger, falling in love. < Nowadays, Grandpa Samuel wore his marriage as if^ it were a shoe two sizes too small. From what Cary | told me and from what I bad observed oh other. occasions. Grandpa Samuel spent as much time as be could away from home, even though he was retired. r He played cards with his old friends a few nights a ' week, never turning down an opportunity to go somewhere in the evening if and when he was invited. Cary said Grandpa regretted retirement and had only HEART SONG _; because Grandma Olivia thought it ?~&ey needed money if he continued to go tr after year. During the day he was often the docks talking with fishermen and tdroa Olivia would never permit him to 'her formal luncheons on Saturday. Usu- fe what I understood, she invited someone of ee fr@m Provincetown or the surrounding itical candidates, wealthy business people, l as far away as Boston, were honored by her 8 and attended. na Olivia's driver Raymond was a man in sixties, and what people in Previncetown ||| Brava, half Negro, half Portuguese. He was >y Patterson's uncles. Roy worked for Uncle I Say's daughter Theresa was in my class at wryone knew everyone else here, whether .feed with each other or not. id came for me in Grandma and Grandpa t-sfvatase Rolls Royce. It was a partly cloudy ft just enough of a breeze to lift the sand and across the road in waves to salt the pavement. isox was crisp and fresh like the morning after ?tnow in West Virginia. The clouds were the ihmallow type, puffy, large, lazily drifting blue. It was a perfect day for an afternoon ,fc i have felt like some little princess in the the Rolls, sitting on the spotless leather, ^driver open and close doors for me and drive ^tbeLogaa compound, as it was known. Cary j since left to work with Uncle Jacob by the i limousine arrived. I was glad, because I knew d teases me about it. Uncle Jacob only took (Off, and sometimes, not even the entire day. I yfor May, who stood in the doorway watching t into the limousine. She looked like a sad little V.C. ANDREWS rag doll gently waving good-bye. Why couldo| Grandma Olivia have mvited her? I wondered. asked Aunt Sara before I left. "I don't know, dear," she replied. "Maybe sheji wants to spend more time with you or introduce; to important people. But don't worry about M She'll be fine with me. I'm going to take her in to to for lunch and some shopping." Stfll, I thought it was a bitter pill for a little girl < have to swallow. How could a grandmother be s insensitive, especially to a grandchild like May wt needed extra care and affection? It put tears in eyes and washed away any joy or excitement I co have felt going to the luncheon in this plush autor bite. When I arrived, I found only Grandma Olivia Grandpa Samuel, and Judge Childs sitting on the rea patio. As usual, whenever Grandma Olivia had corn pany, she had servants. A maid was offering then hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne. They aB| turned as I stepped through the doorway, a Even seated. Grandma Olivia had a way of rising beyond her actual height. She stood only a little more than five foot four in her stocking feet, but because oft the manner in which she carried herself and the way: she sat regally in chairs and somehow managed to gaze down at people (even those who stood a foot| teller), she presented a firmer, stronger appearance,! As usual, her snow white hair was pulled back in a 1 bun as severely as Aunt Sara's, with a peart studded j comb at the crown. Sometime after I had first met: Grandma Olivia, I realized the reason Aunt Sara wore ^ her hair that way was because it was the way Grand* , ma Olivia wore hers. Whether she did it simply ta ' 35 please Uncle Jacob or because she believed everything » Grandma Olivia did was, as Mama Ariene would say, ^ "The cat's meow," I don't know, but she did it. „ The tiny age spots clustered at Grandma Olivia's HEART SONG I on her cheeks looked more like freckles Jut. Today, she wore a little blush on her lit was about the only makeup I ever saw on "N&d small features, her mouth just the width Ifia. Under her jaw, her skin hung loosely like r^t her collarbone stood out prominently l"-fcer nearly transparent complexion. Tiny " Iseeossed her temples. I was sure that when ^at herself in the mirror and saw the illusory Id running through her, she was further 3 she was a true blue-blood. She wore an ivory cotton dress with frilled id a frilled hem. It had tiny pearls sewn onto "and down between her breasts. She had an ©Id bracelet spotted with diamonds on her t and a small gold watch she must have worn how. The hands and numbers were so tiny I imagine how she could read the time. te her temperament. Grandma Olivia's skin lother than the skin of most women her age, ictual frowns had not put any wrinkles in her f hands were graceful, the knuckles a bit bony lie age spots across them, but the skin wasn't L I was willing to bet she had never washed a fes ironed an article of clothing in her life. tttdpa Samuel looked dapper in his light blue ^jacket and matching slacks. He wore a pair of d white loafers and bright blue socks. Grandpa *s hair was mostly gray, but he still had a ably full and healthy looking head of it. It was i neatly at the ears and sides with the top I back. There was a trace of a wave running it. His green eyes brightened at the sight of ^and he relaxed his lips into a soft smile. s Childs held a cigar in his right hand, a glass of ie in his left, his big diamond pinky ring in the sunlight. Ever since I had begun " at Kenneth Childs might be my teal father, V. C. ANDREWS I looked at the judge with a great deal more inte each time I saw him. After all, I thought, this ma could be my grandfather. The judge was a distinguished looking, elderiy m with gray hair still showing some of its original lig brown color. He wore it neatly trimmed and part on the right side. He dressed more conservative than Grandpa Samuel, wearing a charcoal jacket ai pants, a bow tie, and black shoes and socks. I had se< pictures of Kenneth's mother in Kenneth's home. Sl was a very attractive woman with dark brown hair,! but there was no question in my mind that KennetN took after his father and had the same shape nose and chin. Kenneth's eyes were a darker brown, but th®3 judge's eyes always seemed to darken when he gazed-j at me. I "Well, the guest of honor has arrived," the judge said. Both he and Grandpa Samuel rose, each bowing slightly. It brought a smile to my lips. I felt as if I had ^ walked into a scene from Gone with the Wind. | I looked at Grandma Olivia and then at the rear of] the house. There were no other guests, no elaborate setup of tables, tents, and chairs. Was I really the guest of honor? "Good afternoon. Grandma Olivia," I said. "I always liked that dress on Laura," she replied instead of greeting me. The way she said it made me feel as if I was a. poor relation dressed in a hand-me- down. "You look very nice. Melody," Grandpa Samuel said, nodding. "Come sit here," he said, patting the cushioned lawn chair beside him. "Just like Samuel to want to sit next to the pretty lady," the judge said. "You're just jealous because I invited her first," Grandpa said. "Don't the two of you start acting like idiotic school boys," Grandma Olivia warned. "Sit where HEART SONG she told me. I sat next to Grandpa i, who beamed a smile back at the judge. w here's a young woman with some taste," he |jaaking the judge laugh. BS maid brought the tray ofhors d'oeuvres to me Fehoose one and took a napkin. It was shrimp in itry shell and it was absolutely delicious. lease get her some lemonade," Grandma Olivia |the maid. She nodded and hurried out. at*s going on at Jacob's house?" Grandpa asked. y and Uncle Jacob are working. May and Aunt ( are going to town." I hate going to town during the season," Grandma *a remarked. "It's too crowded on those narrow ts with all those tourists gawking into store tows. I don't know why she drags that disabled I all about like that," she added looking at me as ^ had the answer. I did. "Aunt Sara is just trying to keep May occupied," I E* pointedly. "She was all alone when I left." fes," Grandpa said nodding. "I guess you could s invited Sara and the child, Olivia," he told her. 3on't tell me who to invite and who not to, iael Logan," she snapped. He stared at her a sent, his eyes cold and sharp but quickly warming e folded his face into a smile again. s-^Did you hear that whip snap. Judge?" ^^^en the judge didn't respond immediately, I i at him and saw he was staring intently at me. that's that? A whip? Oh, yes, yes," he said ling. "Well, I warned you, Samuel. Years and , ago, I warned you about the Gordons." J"Y?u have that backwards," Grandma Olivia said. eryone in Provincetown warned me about the ans." _ he judge roared and sipped some champagne. He find Grandma Olivia exchanged furtive glances. V. C. ANDREWS "I understand you are working for Kennet Grandma Olivia said, turning back to me. "How^ that been going?" "It's been fine, thank you." "My son hasn't been too hard a boss then?" judge asked quickly. "You're not bored out therci no-man's-land?" "No. Actually, I'm learning a great deal about i "You're artistic too?" he followed. "No, sir." "She's musically inclined. Didn't you hear her; at the variety show?" Grandpa Samuel asked. "Oh, I know she's musically inclined, but soi people have a variety of talents." "And some have none," Grandma Olivia inserts her eyes fixed on Grandpa Samuel. "Except when comes to putting their foot in their mouth." Grandpa| Samuel looked uncomfortable and shifted his weight I in his chair. Then he cleared his throat. ' I didn't like the nasty tone of voice Grandma Olivia used, but I couldn't help being in awe of her strength and power. From what well did she draw it? I wondered. Where did she get such confidence, such self- assurance? I didn't like her, but I couldn't help wanting to learn something from her. She was living proof that women could be tough and strong when need be, and someday, someday soon, I too would need to find that strength. "What's Kenneth have you doing there?" the judge asked. "I help straighten up his home, make lunch, prepare his supplies, keep his studio in order, do odd jobs, take care of Ulysses. He showed me how to prepare the clay he uses for vases and small statues." "Whatever he pays you to straighten up that home of his it can't be enough. He barely makes enough on that art work of his to feed the dog," the judge quipped. HEART SONG a't believe an artist should be obsessed g money," I offered and immediately El$> because they all looked at me as if I had (ething blasphemous. Beady, you've gotten to know him well al- tfete judge said after a moment of deep silence. I, not really," I replied. "We're just getting to gaek other." lAe tell you he used to practically live here?" ^Samuel asked with a wide smile. "I had to : off the welcome mat most of the time." sl»please," Grandma Olivia said. "He didn't B» he was here enough, wasn't he. Nelson?" } Samuel asked the judge. } Kenneth was younger, I had less of a fix on a I have now," the judge said mournfully. afr sipped their champagne, but the judge and aa Olivia gave each other that sideways glance k.,1 took the lemonade from the maid, thanked Bad took a sip. I still wasn't sure why I had been _ed to this luncheon, but I knew from everything I been told and everything I had observed that idma Olivia didn't do anything unless it had a ose. hope you're hungry," Grandpa Samuel said. ;'ve got a small feast. Cold lobster, some of those tferful fried potatoes I shouldn't eat, hickory- red ham." lorn the way he talks, you'd think that's all he i about these days is food," Grandma Olivia said a sigh. "I guess we had better get to it before he vs the arm off the chair." She started to rise. sTBiat is all he cares about," the judge quipped, and id. Grandpa Samuel held out his arm for me to ? and we followed the judge and Grandma Olivia ^the house to the dining room, where the luncheon been set out in smorgasbord style. The maid V. C. ANDREWS stood beside the table, waiting to hand us each a pi Grandma Olivia went first and the judge stepped b for me to follow. The lobster meat had been shel and dressed on a platter. Beside the potatoes Grandj Samuel favored, there was a variety of vegetabi cranberry sauce and apple sauce. The hickory-smok ham looked delicious. Aunt Sara had warned me not to fill up my plater Grandma Olivia's luncheons. That was somethil Grandma Olivia believed real ladies didn't do. It «S proper to have something else afterward, a seco< helping of ham or vegetables, but not to fill the plat again. I saw how she watched out of the corner of I eye as I moved behind her, and I took a lot less tha wanted. The judge and Grandpa Samuel loaded th plates to the brim. We sat at the dining room tabli "As usual, wonderful, Olivia," the judge said. r nodded slightly, as one who expected complimc would nod. "You seem to have adjusted well to your n« home," Grandpa Samuel said to me. "What choice did she have?" Grandma Oliv snapped. "What you have to do, you do." "Well, sometimes you can be lucky and you can lifefrj the things you have to do, too," he offered, without! any hint of contradiction in his voice. He winked at! me and we ate in silence until the judge and GrandmIP Olivia exchanged another one of those quiet looks| filled with question marks. | "What do you do while Kenneth works in his' studio?" Grandma Olivia asked. "Sometimes I use the time to clean the house of; walk Ulysses and sometimes I watch Kenneth work. 1 He doesn't mind as long as I don't break his concent tration," I added. "Once, he asked me to play t&y fiddle while he worked." ; "He's not very talkative then?" she asked. : "When he talks about his art, he is," I said. I tilted HEART SONG ng why, if Kenneth had practically ; aad this was his father who was sitting (e, they were asking all these questions feey all acted as if they barely knew him Id have known him far better than I did. garil be talks about?" the judge asked me ^ s seemed impatient. eat»" Grandpa Samuel said. Grandma s-at him from her eyes, causing him to -and return his concentration to his hwhat I was chewing and replied. Imes he talks about the past," I said. es widened and Grandma Olivia held i between the plate and her mouth. I exactly what has he told you about the idge followed. tie bit about what it was like to grow up incetown," I said. ^ Olivia put her fork down and looked at ?,^8haking her head in the slightest, but just ale way. The judge returned to his food and S'of conversation changed to what would 0 the country's economy if the Republicans sb control of the Senate. . we had eaten. Grandma Olivia proposed tog that made my eyes bulge with surprise. Ie you two idiots go have your cigars. Melody iM walk out to the gazebo and have a private Slihe said. "Come along," she told me as she rose "^e table. 31 be there shortly," Grandpa Samuel said. a't rush your filthy habit on my account," she , The judge laughed and Grandpa shrugged. I 1 Grandma Olivia out of the house and down l steps. She paused and waited for me to walk ie her. tAyou enjoy the lunch?" v. c. AM>njews "Oh yes. Thank you. Everything was wonc "Later, we'll have some tea and some petit Tell me more about this summer job of yours,^ said and continued down the pathway toward gazebo. Why was my working for Kenneth such an ii tant topic? What did they expect me to tell the "There's not much more to say about it, From Olivia. I enjoy watching Kenneth work. He lives a interesting place, so close to the sea, to nature. I ee my walks along--" "When he talked to you about the past," interrupted, not satisfied with my response, didn't mention anything about his father?" Wl didn't respond immediately, she stopped and to at me. "Well?" "He doesn't like talking about his father much," I offered, but I saw that wasn't enough. grimaced as if she had bitten into a sour apple, then turned to step into the gazebo. I followed 1 inside and sat across from her on a pristine wt garden bench. "What did you want to talk about?" I finally ask Surely my summer job wasn't the topic; it was oh ous by now that I had been brought here for some sor of cross-examination. "I think you're a lot smarter than your mother was^: ^ at your age," she began. "Your mother's interests were; quite simple to begin with, and her curiosity about i anything more than boys was limited." "I don't think it's fair to talk about her this way. She's not alive. She can't dispute anything," I countered. Standing up to her brought tears to sting my eyes. I took a deep breath and then looked away. "Nonsense. If we couldn't talk about anyone who was dead, a great many mistakes would be made. It would also be a mistake for you not to tell me what, if anything, Kenneth Childs said about his father." ftSAUT SONG ^her. . so important to you?" I asked. (tare ask me questions in response to fe^ou," She admonished. f»s that they don't talk much to each aft know why." eyebrows. y?" she asked cautiously. ^y." _: mean, not really? Either he did or he t said, leaning impatiently forward in her tft," I replied, the tears welling again in my ^ "jslse said, continuing to scrutinize me. I felt sitting under a bright light in a police yy you invited me to luncheon, to interro- about what Kenneth said about his own "I demanded to know, despite her strict g about questioning her. |*tbe impudent," she snapped. Me it's pretty sad if the only way the judge can t about his own son is through someone spying It** t added. ft you dare say anything like that to the ^fihe chastised. "No one said anything about ^ing on anyone," she added, but I glared back i could have invited Kenneth to this lunch1 suggested, "and asked him the same quesM y «--^ glared at me and shook her head. i^^Obviously, my son did not impart any of the good (Kaaners to you that I taught him, or if he did, your If^other ruined them," she said. ..a^How can you still hate her even though she's Rdead?" I asked. Finally, I had said something that V. C. ANDREWS made her turn away. She gazed toward the blank look coming over her face. "I don't hate her. I disapproved of her actually ended up feeling sorry for her, pitying, and Chester. To permit himself to believe sue' terrible thing about his own father, just to have he his wife. To think that my husband would sedu( young girl and embarrass me." She shook her h< "Well, that's all over now. Terrible words and i< are like the tide. Once they go out, you can never ] them back. You can't unring a bell." She sighed. there's no point in discussing it now." "Yes there is," I said boldly. She turned to me. If her eyes were daggers, I'd have a hundred holes in me, I thought. "What did you say?" "I want to know the truth," I said. "Is Kennet Childs my father? Is that why you have been question' ing me about him?" She started to smile. "Is that what he told you?" "He hasn't told me anything." Her smile faded. "I'm sure if there is one thing I don't know and don't care to know it's which of Haille's many men friends sired you. It would be easier to find the father of some shark in the ocean," she added with a wave of her hand toward the sea. "Perhaps my real grandmother would know," I said, and Grandma Olivia burst out laughing. "Belinda? Know anything that goes on around her? Please." "I'd like to meet her. I would," I insisted. She stopped laughing. "Don't be silly. She wouldn't have the slightest idea who you were or be able to make sense out of anything you said or asked her," Grandma Olivia said. "It would be a pointless visit." HBAJRT SONG TnSo it. Isn't she permitted to have stsitors, but I can't think of anything ' more of a waste of time than visiting I to waste," I said. "Did my mother S»**<]h-andma Olivia replied and smirked. r'teB you, it wasn't because I forbade her »»it's all the more reason for me to go," I 1,-Shfr raised her eyebrows again and widjfSs. as she nodded. e yea. wrong," she said. "Maybe I should ^Ma, interest in who your father was. Whois, he must have had some backbone." |Iwas to receive a backhanded compliment, I Flhis was it. (»" she said after another moment. "You're so Bed to meet your real grandmother," she 'pronouncing real as if it were a dirty word, ^ have Raymond drive you up there." ik you," I said quickly. "When?" vmw. Sunday is visitors' day. He'll pick you t a.m. They like the patients to have visitors in Mning," she said. aven't you ever visited her?" I asked. f course not." rt she's your sister," I said. She looked as if she fa rod of steel down her back. P<8d more for her than she would have ever done me," she retorted, "especially under the circum- tees." What circumstances?" "Wease. I don't want to have to till that soil again. -t make your dutiful visit and get it over with," she 1 with another wave of her hand. Ideas or words approved of or disliked were like flies for her to V. C. ANDREWS swat away from sight. No one could ever be infuriating, I thought. g| "It's not a dutiful visit. I really would like tolf her," "You're going to be quite disappointed,**' warned, almost gleefully. ^ "I've been disappointed many times before," t She sent fire from her eyes again and then ca down when we heard the judge and Grandpa Sa as they emerged from the house and started to us. Grandma Olivia sat forward. "Don't mention this conversation to anyone ( she ordered. "And especially say nothing to Ken I don't expect your loyalty, but I do expect obedience," she said. "And I'm sure you know,"! added, leaning closer toward me, her eyes filled w warning, "what is at stake should you disappo me." The threat hovered over me like a storm cloud s then the judge and Grandpa Samuel stepped into gazebo. "Well now, did you two have a good woma chat?" Grandpa Samuel kidded. "I assure you, Samuel, our conversation was roiled above the one you two jabbered through cigar smoke," she replied. "Now, now, Olivia, no sexism," the judge chided. He and Grandma Olivia exchanged a quick look and I saw the question in his face. She shook her head slightly and I thought he looked relieved. Then he smiled at me. "Well now," he said, sitting on the bench adjacent to me, "let's hear some more about my son's new art project." "I think it would be easier if you came out and spoke to him about it yourself. Judge Childs," I said. "I don't mean to seem secretive about it," I quickly HEART SONG that I don't want to describe it te a moment and then nodded. 13^e said. "That's just what I intend to gfcdays," he said. "One of these days." BviB had the maid serve us our tea and Kbe gazebo. The conversation drifted to ects again and I was practically ignored ^announced he had to leave. When he ^ Stt to me. |Heligbtful spending the afternoon with I. Iferhaps one day you'll visit me at my , Do you play chess?" teach you. In no time you'll be able to ^paiBdfather Samuel." ifershe has better things to do than waste her h senile old men," Grandma Olivia said la ^t fee judge said and winked. "Say hello to ar me. Olivia." He bowed. Ek you out," she said and rose. inly realized it was the first time Grandpa I and I had ever been alone. He quietly watched 'aa Olivia and the judge and then he turned to mustn't be too quick to pass judgment on l,** he said, obviously noticing the disapproving on my face. "She appears to be a very hard Tft, but she has had more than her share of was to bear." sympathy for her took me completely by sur- hat burdens?" ? know a little about the difficulties we had with Easter." "My grandmother," I said. !"aS&s, your grandmother." He shook his head sadly. V. C. ANDREWS "Their father was a difficult man, according to' Olivia tells me. He made many demands on <3 and tried to set a strict atmosphere. Belinda reb and became promiscuous; Olivia stood up to him! E I suppose that was how she developed such a sti backbone." "She's always snapping at you," I said. shrugged. "It's her manner. We get along better than couples married as long as we've been married.. worry," he added with a smile. "I'm not as browt en as most people think. But that will be our lit secret, okay? Now, I want you to come to me if e you have any problems, especially with my son Jac< I know he can be sterner than a constipated ministt! at times. You're a good girl, a talented and srnai young woman. You'll be fine. I'm sure. "We all have to find ways to rise above our bad luckl from time to time," he added with a deep sigh. j "I'm going to visit my grandmother Belinda tomorrow," I said. "Oh?" He looked toward the house. "Does Olivia know?" "She's arranging for Raymond to take me." "Really? Well, that's very nice. You know of course that Belinda is not quite all there these days." ? "I don't know anything about her. That's why 1'ittj going." He nodded and then leaned toward me to whisp "She has a tendency to fantasize about people s knew. Don't believe most of it. Just come and ask i if you want to know if anything she says is trmeJ Okay?" I nodded. "Don't tell Olivia. Just come toi me," he added and sat back quickly when Grandma ] Olivia emerged from the house again. He smiled and^ winked. AS these people living side by side and keeping, HEART SONG - other, I thought. It had to mean e. How much of it, I wondered, had e? i home by the time the limousine brought jpEwa the way he emerged from the house it stepped out of the Rolls, it was obvious a^ waiting and watching at the window. W tanchr* he asked as I drew closer. t^Sas food was good," I said and he rolled ^l don't like the sound of that." Big to change out of this hand-me-down, as Olivia characterized it," I said. flet's go for a walk to the cranberry bog." ^ there's May?" Rfid mother aren't back from wherever they he said. tried upstairs and changed into a pair of jeans tcomfortable sweatshirt. Uncle Jacob was appar- ' taking a nap. The bedroom door was closed. I ed softly down the stairs and out into the front where I found Cary tossing rocks across the The late afternoon sun had fallen behind a long of clouds, turning the ocean a metallic blue, : the breakers glitter like mirrors. " ?" he asked. »» ted across the beach. As we walked, I told t the afternoon and how I had been cross; about Kenneth. te me feel like Grandma Olivia's little spy. know why Kenneth and his father don't get »bly because he failed to follow in his father's » and become a lawyer. Look at all the money 'wasted sending him to law school," Cary sur V. C. ANDREWS "It's something more than that," I said. Thea1 1 him I was going to visit Grandma Belinda. L "Grandma Olivia's sending the car?" 'fi I nodded. I told him what Grandpa Samr JJ said to me about coming to him with any Grandma Belinda might babble. Cary thought i this for a few minutes. "I don't know. I don't think any of it li anything," he concluded. "Grandpa Samuel is_ ably just trying to let you know he's not hard an^t ter like his wife." We sat at the top of the hill and gazed at the' "It's gonna be a good crop. We need it," he "The lobster-fishing business stinks these days." played a blade of crabgrass over his lips and stol quick glance at me. "About last night, before ^ came," he said. "Yes?" My heart began to thud in my chest, as^l we'd just finished jogging the entire way to the go "I hope you're not mad." "Why should I be mad?" He smiled. "I thought you might think I had invited you just so something like that would happen." "Didn't you?" I asked, and he blushed. "No." "Really?" I teased. His face went from red to1 cherry-blossom white, especially around his lips. : "No! I'm not like Adam Jackson. I don't trick girls into believing one thing and then trap them or some' thing," he said, his voice cracking with indignation. "Okay. Then, it just happened." "Yes," he said firmly. "Think it will happen again?" I asked hesitantly, not sure myself how I felt about our new relationship. He turned, surprised. "I don't know." w,__xing that at least with Cary I at he wouldn't take my confusion 85. Kaftd then he began to lean toward y^arted and wet. I inched toward s8, softly, quickly. I immediately ^omach and lowered my chin to my t?|rt the bog. He turned on his back lefther of us spoke for quite a while. ; out and asked Kenneth if he knew was," I said finally, breaking the alence. ^What did he say?" ; said he didn't know. Then he said he tree." I turned on my back. Cary braced s arm and gazed down into my face. at supposed to mean?" low. I think it means he knows but he me to be hurt, or maybe it means he the truth himself. Oh Cary," I said, nearly I just know there's something terrible left to t maybe you should stop asking questions," Sted. "It's like when you didn't want me to 'r door to that closet in the studio. You were f right Some doors are better left locked." tn't want it unlocked, but once it was, I to go in and look, and I didn't want you to * those pictures, but once you had, I looked -flodded and then swallowed hard and looked iat?" Ae like Lot's wife in the Bible." V. C. ANDREWS turned and looked at me as if to see if I were i serious question. 'Aye," he replied. 'To take my grandmother to see Belinda?" I: Maybe Grandma Olivia had lied to me. 'No." 'Do you have a relative there?" I persisted. 'No," he said, but he dkln't continue. No wonder they all loved clams so much he the Cape, I thought. This family and all the associated with them couldn't be within a shell. It had rained earlier and I thought it was goic^ a dark, dreary day, one of those days when ti breeze was so chilly you wanted to wear a sw even in the summer. But just before Rayrnoi rived, the blanket of charcoal gray clouds develo seam of blue that widened and widened unt clouds began to melt away like snow in spring- shine. The warm rays made me squint when I gi the scenery, but at least I felt a little better. I had woken this particular morning with a st so tight I could barely swallow water. I floune about the bedroom, sifting through the clothes n closet, trying to decide what would be appropria wear, not only to a rest home, but to meet my grandmother for the first time ever. I didn't wax get too dressed up and look formal, but I didn't,! to look underdressed, as if I didn't place great' tance on this visit. Because of the gloomy looking day I found first looked out the window in the morning, I cl light blue cotton cardigan with a matching tank and a silky rayon posy print skirt. The hem r "little less than an inch above my knees. It was i one of Laura's outfits I had tried on but not brushed out my hair and put on some lipstick, though Uncle Jacob had told me on more than HEART SONG &A- young woman shouldn't be wearing r, the day. I didn't know from what well kte drew these rules, but I began to feel my dead cousin Laura, imagining what through, although Uncle Jacob never portunity to tell me how obedient and 9 was. Intimidated and terrified was ll thought. KT a disapproving look when I went down ..a Ss^fm eat with lipstick painted on your id. riem," I said softly. Aunt Sara looked , herself with something to avoid the ^.habits some young women have these e'Jacob muttered. I felt the blood rush s disgusting when they puff on pipes, ettes, filling their mouths with nico; turning their teeth yellow and giving tth like a dragon," I countered. Cary Jacob turned purple with anger, but words and went back to his food g^ May was full of questions about why I ?Hp and where I was going. I did my best but she couldn't understand why I kept Belinda as Grandma Belinda. Cary prom- would spend the morning with her and erstand. to be back before lunch and Cary had ft he. May, and I go to town. I agreed, kit was hard to think past my meeting with rather. 1 hoped it would go well and I TO, feeling I had someone I could really call ; the trepidation that had seeped into my M was now making my legs tremble and ^m/B V. C. ANDREW! V. C. ANDREWS my heart tecirt, thumping harder and fastCC^I mal all the way to the rest home. "" We rode for nearly a half an hour before ¥ turned up a side road into more wooded co was heavy with pine, wild apple, and scrub < clearing on our right, I saw a flock of song i circle and then soar to the right over the to trees before they parted. It was another ten'1 before the rest home came into view. Whoe planned its location obviously wanted it ^ the more populated areas. I wondered it the< were thinking how much people like to keep u- and elderly out of sight and out of mind. As we drove on in silence, I couldn't ke< wondering who came to visit Grandma Be Grandma Olivia didn't? There was no one els family that I knew. What was it like to be institutionalized, in a world without friends a tives, dependent entirely on the kindness ofstr Did she feel helpless, forgotten and discards this keep her from ever trying to get well? Knowing this family, I thought, she might be^ off where she is. The rest home wasn't in an unpleasant setting ocean was behind it with the sun now glimmertt its silvery-gray surface. The front of the but faced a long, rolling lawn with benches, a rock gar and some fountains. It looked peaceful, dean,1 wctt maintained, ft was obviously a rest home ft weatBrier sick and elderly. nitS^.^?"? ^self-had three stories, with a St ("tchcdssWwTroof. It had a Frwt porch the w»d the building with a short set of cornet-steps, wooden wall cladding was done in a Wedgwood } ^l^^""^? oi?the wmd0^ were bone wl MBAJRT SONO area was just adjacent to t&e^ '"t behind the large house there --"am iBpre benches and ,^A~* ^^ yscf £^%>'i'es'?,tKS,fll°Il l^a^^^'", ^. anA ttye p ^ ^ff the en&ne. ^1a?not ^OW11L ^^S^erl^e said nod- l^trance isnB1 B^AixxKleil. ^pap.rr-te asked. fess""^"' Ix'i'^'H^ff^' ^seffi^^s ^^sS.^^^ ISto* c°l°"„?°?^5mt the twilight *» Si wlboats P""."0^,^ all tlon' ma ^^^""2^" -"" wwda' 81 V. C. ANDREWS my heart kept thumping harder and faster mal all the way to the rest home. We rode for nearly a half an hour before ] turned up a side road into more wooded a was heavy with pine, wild apple, and scrub oak.^ clearing on our right, I saw a flock of song spaa circle and then soar to the right over the tops of trees before they parted. It was another ten aaifl before the rest home came into view. Whoever planned its location obviously wanted it away the more populated areas. I wondered if the o» were thinking how much people like to keep theiri and elderly out of sight and out of mind. As we drove on in silence, I couldn't keep wondering who came to visit Grandma Beti Grandma Olivia didn't? There was no one else is1! family that I knew. What was it like to be houS institutionalized, in a world without friends and fl tives, dependent entirely on the kindness of strange Did she feel helpless, forgotten and discarded?'I this keep her from ever trying to get well? Knowing this family, I thought, she might be 1 off where she is. The rest home wasn't in an unpleasant setting. 1 ocean was behind it with the sun now glimmering its silvery-gray surface. The front of the buildi faced a long, rolling lawn with benches, a rock gardi and some fountains. It looked peaceful, clean, ai welt maintained. It was obviously a rest home for tl wealthier sick and elderly. The building itself had three stories, with a steep E! pitched gabled roof. It had a front porch the widths the building with a short set of cement steps. T wooden wall cladding was done in a Wedgwood bl and the shutters on the windows were bone white.. we pulled up the drive, I saw there were two eldei gentlemen sitting on the porch, rocking and gazing 9 us with some interest. The driveway pitched to HEART SONG ting area was just adjacent to the I see that behind the large house there elaborate garden, more benches and , and a gazebo twice the size of Grandma % were some full red maple trees, more I pine, and the pathways were lined with --- les- tt shut off the engine, Raymond stepped out ? around to open my door. I got out slowly. BgBt entrance is right there," he said nod- hpait in the car." shole time?" iLffiiad," he said and returned to his seat, Sdown over his eyes, and settled in for a over the flagstone walkway and started s. One of the elderly men smiled at me; the aued to look in the direction from which ie, as if he expected to see more cars. The nailed, nodded. Bt" 2 said. jbring the paper?" he asked. l^s.paper. You bring the paper?" Pm-sorry. I'm here visiting Belinda Gordon." !pe*frthe paper?" the other elderly man asked Iding his hand behind his right ear. i ain't got it," he said. »r ant got it," he shouted. €s today, a holiday?" the second man asked. I it them nervously and entered the home. obby was bright and homey with light blue ; and a blond oak floor. The walls had large ^ depicting rustic country scenes and ocean a rainbow colors, some with fishermen, some t-with sailboats painted against the twilight sky. ' "oned chairs and settees were all done in a floral pattern. There were small wooden V. C. ANDREWS tables, book and magazine racks, with roekfa in front of the large, brick fireplace. Light, music was being piped in through two sin mounted speakers. A little more than a dozen residents were" in the lobby, a few reading magazines, some H two playing checkers, and some just sitting an ing at nothing. Two women in nurses' uniformsl lated around the lobby, seeing to the needs ~ residents. Everyone was well dressed and apj well looked after. Those who seemed aware of was happening around them gazed up at mi anticipation as I entered. Almost all looked as il hoped I was there to visit them. I could pi '' feel the Joneh'ness. A tall, thin woman with dark hair and a nar that held her dark eyes close to each other strutting out of the corridor to the right She w dark gray cotton suit that looked tailored to her figure. Her high heels clicked sharply on the woe floor. It reminded me of the tap, tap, tap of woodpecker. She wore her chestnut brown hair i short, barely below her ears, where she wore tiny o earrings. Her nose was long and a bit pointed and I mouth turned down at the corners. She didn't when she approached. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I'm Melody Logan, here to see Belinda Gordon." "Oh yes. Mrs. Logan called to say you would b coming. I'm Mrs. Greene. Miss Gordon is in recrea tion. You havent brought her any candy, have you We try to limit the sugar intake. Many of our resident are diabetic, but they don't watch themselves am they oner each other candy." "No ma'am," I said. "I've brought nothing butt myself." "Fine," she said nodding. "Right this way, please." I looked back at the people lounging in the lobby. VtEAKT SONG frozen. One of the men playing .'holding his hand in midair, a checker ftE^is fingers, and one thin lady in a topped it in its forward motion and sat ith wide open, leaning and staring at me. 'as if she might break into tears any y," mts. Greene said, pausing in the rthe corridor. I hurried to catch up. ^Miss Gordon?" I asked. y, she's doing very well. Being on a healthy roper exercise has given her a new lease on i added years. She happens to be one of the fwhom I am very proud. Are you a friend Nteuly?" she inquired as we turned down ^corridor toward a double door. open to be her granddaughter," I said as NMactly as I could. She stopped walking. Ktdaughter?" Her smile was like a stretching to tips to the point where they looked like Fbands about to snap. "But my understanding nda Gordon had no children." Ragged. "That's who I am," I said. She squeezed ebrows toward each other and then shook her .clicking her tongue as she continued toward the ®e doors. l^would have thought Mrs. Logan would have loned that," she muttered. »e must have just forgotten," I said. She looked s sideways as she opened the double doors to a filled with game tables, a television set, and tion leather settees and easy chairs. There were least another dozen residents here. They looked longer, more alert and healthier than the elderly lOpte in the lobby. I paused as the realization hit me: I didn't know tet my own grandmother looked like! The only |p|(»ctures I had seen of her in Grandma Olivia's V. C. ANDREWS basement were pictures of her when she was much younger. Mrs. Greene turned to me and waited. "I'm afraid I've never met her," I said. "You've never met her? Well," she said. "Well."! shook her head and turned and nodded toward a ti woman sitting by the window reading what tool like a child's picture book. She wore a white fe shawl over a pale green dress. Even from across^ room, I could see the resemblances between her a Grandma Olivia. They were both small featur however, as I drew closer, I thought Grand; Belinda's features were more dainty, more doll Hi Her eyes were bluer and brighter and when somethil she read brought a smile to her face, her smile wanner, happier. With Mrs. Greene not far behind, I started ac the room, my entrance drawing as much interest fn these residents as it had with the residents in tt lobby. Only Belinda didn't break her concentratiol She turned the pages of the picture book and widene her smile. "Hello," I said. She looked up slowly and I could! see she had very young looking crystal blue eyes tha^l highlighted her gentle, soft smile. Her skin didn't look;| as translucent as Grandma Olivia's. In fact. Grandma Belinda appeared healthier and more robust, with a richer complexion, despite being locked away in a rest home. "Where have you been?" she asked quickly. "Where have I been?" I looked at Mrs. Greene. "This is a visitor, Belinda. She doesn't work here and she's not a volunteer." She squinted at me. "Oh," she said with great disappointment. "I thought you came here to read to me." "I could do that," I replied and sat in the chair just across from her. Mrs. Greene turned to speak to SSAKT SONG i»at she didn't move too far away name is Melody," I told Grandma uted to see if there would be any note .She simply widened her smile a bit. y- wee name." She paused and tilted I think I once knew someone named dot me? r*s name was Haille," I said. I glanced t,<.<3reene, who was obviously leaning 'our conversation. ndma Belinda's lips remained in the i0, as if she had just realized something w who I am then?" I pursued. She shook .more like someone who wanted to deny aew than someone saying she didn't know. lived with your sister Olivia," I said, "and ad Samuel." a*t seen my sister today," she said. She 1 looked toward the door. "She's probably ^^om, sulking as usual, just because, just ? Nelson asked me to go for a walk with him Wt ask her." ave a slight laugh that sounded like the tinkle . chimes. Her eyes brightened mischievously. owed her the bracelet he bought me and she Iced in her cheeks and turned her face into a sour puss. She said I asked him to buy it for ._n you imagine? I wouldn't ask a man to buy me ^ing, especially Nelson Childs. I've never had to ''She leaned forward to whisper. "But she does," aid and laughed again. "She asked Paul Enfield to s her to the Fleet dance Saturday night because no shad asked her. But he said he wasn't going. I knew "" going," she assured me with a knowing nod. ." She leaned back. "She had to go with Logan. Rather, he had to go with her. He V. C. ANDREWS didn't want to go. He wanted to ask me, but soi else had already. "I don't ask men for things," she emphasized another small nod. "I don't have to." She pause drink me in and then nodded. "I bet you don't have ask them, either." I laughed. Mrs. Greene left the side of the resident and moved directly behind us. "What are you going to read me? Are you going^ read me Sleeping Beauty? I like Sleeping Beaut Grandma Belinda said emphatically. "If you'd like," I said. "Where is it?" "Don't you have it? Didn't you bring it?" she: a little frantically. "No. I'm sorry." She pouted. I gazed at the pile of children's " on the small table betwsen us and chose one. "Would you like me to read this?" She glanced at the cover and then nodded slightly.! looked about the room. The other residents were bac' to doing their own things for the most part. Only on or two continued to gaze our way. I started to rea< „ putting as much drama into it as I would if I were| reading to a five- or six-year-old child. She relaxed and| turned back to me to listen. I noticed Mrs. Greene j move around the room, in front of us, to the side, and; then behind us again, circling, spending some time with others, but always keeping within earshot. It didn't take long to read the children's story, and when I finished Grandma Belinda clapped. "Isn't that a nice story?" she said. "I love stories with happy endings. Olivia says there are no happy endings, only endings." "Has she been to see you?" "She's too busy to see me. She's in high society now. She has rich people to entertain. Her nose is up here," she said tilting her head back like someone who HEART SONG land pointing to her forehead. "I'm an "to her. That's what she says. She e big bad wolf when she says it," sda said, lowering her voice to make it ram embarrassment. Stay in your room." iat me a long moment and then she tily again. tMi'm in my room, they come to see me. on the window. And .. . sometimes, I atow and let him in." s't you like to know," she sang and laughed. Sgh,"too. She was obviously confusing time, Revests that had occurred years and years t events that had occurred more recently. 't you know anything about me?" I asked y. "I'm Haille's daughter. Melody. You know He is, don't you?" &pped smiling. art-talk about her or she'll have them heave me Cube street," she muttered. irtfeat what Olivia said?" I asked. fcft talk about her," she said and pretended she lipping her lips shut. je»q can talk to me," I said. "I'm Haille's daughpB'tn your granddaughter." " stared, her eyes blinking rapidly. Then she I away and gazed out the window. ok how blue the sky is," she said. "I wish I 3d reach up and touch it. I bet it's soft." 'rs. Greene was practically on top of us. vbuld you like to go for a walk? It's beautiful y," I said. Mrs. Greene's eyes widened. I looked j^t her. "Can I take her for a walk?" '"Well, does she want to go out?" , "Would you like to go out. Grandma?" fe ""tes," she said firmly, not even noticing I had V. C. ANDREWS called her Grandma. I got up to help her, didn't really need any assistance. She rose turned her head as if everyone were watch' every move, and started out. "Just stay in the garden and walk on the j Mrs. Greene said. "There are attendants it any help." "She seems fine," I said. "You were right," being well taken care of," I added, but Mrs. " didn't smile at the compliment. She watched the eyes of a hawk as we left the room. I took Grandma Belinda's arm into miafrjj started down the corridor to the door that led: the gardens. She was spry, energetic. She flowery scent that smelled refreshing. "I like your perfume," I said. "Do you? Nelson gave it to me." "Nelson? He was here recently?" "Just the day before yesterday or the day that. He brings me a bottle of perfume wheneverS comes and we sit and talk about old times. Nelsoal still quite a handsome man, don't you think?" "You mean Judge Childs?" I asked. "Yes," she said, laughing. "Imagine, Nelson's judge." When we stepped out, she paused to squint at sunlight. "C&, it's warmer than I thought," she said. should be my birthday," she added and laughed," always say that on nice days. Olivia thinks it's v silly. What a silly thing to say, I wish it was birthday. Like you could pick your birthday, she s. Your head is full of cranberries, she says." I had to laugh at Grandma Belinda's imitation her sister. "Shall we go into the garden?" I asked. "Oh yes. I love to smell the flowers." We walked silently for a while and then she paus I? anyone were near us. One of e out and was watching us. s says all those things and calls don't you?" Grandma Belinda ^snapping her head around to ^my head. "Because she knows I. Daddy buys me nice clothes. s. Daddy is proud to introduce Daddy wants her to stay in her 5 coyly. "Daddy told her to get , .rd me again. |t&the door and I heard him yelling at ling and he was yelling. But I felt more jel I-ogan than I did for her. He has to morning and see that grouchy face. I eep with his back to her so when he bs, he could see the sunshine and not r puffed up eyes and her puffed up lips rlireath." al (o walk again. 8w he was here," she said softly. there? You mean, Samuel?" led. And then she stopped suddenly. rt you tell. Promise?" _se. When was here?" : night. He came to my window and knocked "^bs^ it and I said, Samuel Logan, what are 1-tecre at my window the night before your I shook my head. "I don't--" a't let me in,' he said, 'I'll kill myselfl'" knight?" i^'she said looking around. She continued to loving a little faster. The attendant followed. ; here tell Olivia things. She has her spies tere. Let's sit on this bench," she said. i under a spreading maple tree with a row of V. C. ANDREWS multicolored impatiens behind it. I sat next 10s I She leaned back and waited as the attendant } '" slowly by us, pausing only a half-dozen feet aw Whispering again. Grandma Belinda contini said, *you won't kill yourself and he said, 'I wilt. I swear.' So I let him in." "Let him in?" "He crawled through the window and fell to", floor. It was quite a sight. 'Shh,' I told him. 'Sorfte| will hear and how will that look? You here the &' before you marry my sister?' He lay there on the fl so I sat on the floor and he told me how sad he and how terrible it was to be sad on the night be; your wedding. He wanted me to make him feel belt So I did. If Olivia knew, she would have them poison in my food." "She wouldn't do that. Grandma." "Oh yes, she would. She poisoned my song birc know she did, even though she says she didn't. Dad bought it for me on my sixteenth birthday and s was jealous. Nelson bought me something nice too," she added, "and that made her more jealous. H" bought me a gold locket with a red ruby at the cente It had his picture inside." She smiled and then st grimaced. "Do you know where the locket is?" "No, Where is it?" "Ask Olivia. She took it and buried it somewhere. I I'm sure. One day, it wasn't in my jewelry cabinet andl that was that. You can kill my birds, you can steal my. jewelry, but you can't keep them from liking me more, I told her. She said she didn't care, they were all ugly philanderers. But that's like the story about the fox and the grapes, right?" "The fox and the grapes?" "The fox couldn't reach the grapes so he said they were sour. Yep, sour grapes. That's Olivia all right." She laughed and then took a deep breath. ffBAJRT SONG HftBebird," she said pointing. ayrlia*t mind being turned into a bird. ^get old, they should be turned into icluded. "I read a story like that onee." ask to me. "Are you going to read ** she asked. tTaeto, I will when we go back inside." I want you to. I want to hear happy chappy endings, more happy endings," it to walk some more and then she frtime to go back. When we stepped back ---jding, she said she was tired, already 'Aat she had asked me to read another - ri: ^&t as young as I was. I get so tired so fast ': you," she told me. I knew she thought I neone else who worked there. a," I said pressing my hand into hers, daughter Haille's daughter. Melody. I'm (daughter and I'm going to come back and ; often. Would you like that?" e?" she said. She shook her head slightly. "I Oomeone named Haille. Nelson told me about te's very pretty, isn't she?" i," I said. There was no point in telling her all ad happened. She had taken in too much f, I thought. She was physically strong for her tbut mentally, she was very fragile, as fragile as a i? girl, and I knew, from personal experience, how Jrit was to shatter a little girl's heart. ^'""She should go for her nap before lunch," Mrs. mwe said, suddenly appearing in the corridor. "Yes, I was taking her to her room." I-"I'll see to it she gets there," she said and nodded to llBeattendant who had been outside, hovering around |aBs. He moved quickly to Grandma Belinda's side. V. C. ANDREWS "I'll see you soon. Grandma. Have a good: then a good lunch," I said. I kissed her cheek touched it as if I had planted something very pr on her face. Then she turned and looked i blinking rapidly for a moment. "You look like someone I know," she said. Th smiled. "I remember. You look like me when t-" your age." She leaned closer to whisper. "Don't | your heart away too quickly. They like to bi hearts. That's what they like to do the most. Justi Olivia," she said and laughed. "Ask her and tell hi told you to ask. What?" She looked at the attendaa| if she had heard him say something. There was sc mild chastisement in his expression and straightened up. "Oh." I stood watching them as the attendant led down the hall. "I'll show you the way out," Mrs. Greene said. "I remember the way," I told her. "Thank you.'*^ hurried down the corridor, through the lobby, and o' the door, my heart thumping. Raymond sat i quickly the moment I appeared and then got out open the door for me. "Everything go all right?" he asked. "Yes," I said. "Just fine." I sat back, locked within my own thoughts, feelir^ rather sad and vulnerable. I wasn't looking out the window, so I didn't realize he wasn't taking directly home until I noticed the driveway of Gra ma Olivia's house. "Why are you taking me here?" I demanded. ji "It's what Mrs. Logan told me to do," he said aau pause to think what I provided for your lilio, you don't," she said, answering herself ."Well, I'll tell you. 'jnaother was a child born out of wedlock, y, a disgrace, but I gave her a home and my I the best of everything. She could have had a 'on, met the most distinguished men, had a but she was contaminated by Belinda's v you think I am too, is that it?" icemains to be seen," she snapped. thy you. I'm not auditioning for your appro- ': fired back at her, the tears burning under my '.^sass I would die before releasing in her theless," she said, her smile sharp and her ht and fiery, "you'll do nothing to risk my ^ . /al or--" r you'll see to it I never get my inheritance. I d*Usaid. hat's right," she replied and sat back. ere was a moment of silence, a truce between us. wouldn't recommend that you return to the e to see Belinda," she said slowly. "She'll only fill with more ridiculous fantasies and it might cause teems for everyone." 18»e needs visitors, family. You can't leave her se like that, alone, lost." ; Grandma Olivia laughed. t -"She's far from alone and far from lost. She has the est care money can buy. If anything, she's spoiled, Ut she was spoiled all her life. That's why she ended 9 as she did," she concluded. "Don't go back there," f said standing. "[ will. She's my real grandmother," I said. V. C. ANDREWS Grandma Olivia's eyes looked as if they could; through my skull and sear my brain. "She's a mental invalid, totally dependent upon; charity. I could have her put in a county poorhouse i minutes," she threatened. "What do you expect sl can give you?" "Love," I said not backing down or looking away*] Grandma Olivia sucked in her breath as if I had punched her in the stomach. She started to speak, butt stopped, her eyes strangely softening, her look turnir from anger and condemnation to an unexplainab look of pleasure, respect. "Don't push me too far. Melody. I would like to seel you have a good life, despite what you think of me, I but you have to rise above yourself, your own contam1 inated blood." | "Am I dismissed?" I asked. I was trembling inside, j but I wouldn't show it. | "Dismissed? Yes, but keep my advice hanging up | front in your closet," she said. "Raymond will see to ; it you get home." "Thank you," I said. I turned and marched out of the house, never welcoming the fresh sea air as much. meone's Watching Over Me and May were already gone by the time id brought me home. Aunt Sara said they had y waited as long as he could, dear, but he felt ,-jTor May. He told me to tell you he was taking 'to the Sea and Shell on Commerce Street and, if i came home early enough, to join them. How was visit with Belinda?" she asked, but looked away kly as if she didn't want to hear my answer. t was nice. She's very sweet," I said, "even if she infused about events and time." **Jacob asked me to make my meat loaf for dinner Bigot," Aunt Sara continued, as if I hadn't said a ard. "It's one of his favorites." She laughed, her ugh sounding as fragile as thin china. "He says I proved the old adage that the shortest distance to a lean's heart is through his stomach. He says he fell in ; love with my cooking first and then looked up and saw " There was an angel in the kitchen." "Uncle Jacob said that?" I asked skeptically. Aunt " i heard the note of doubt in my voice. V. C. ANDREWS "Oh yes," she declared. "When he wants to, can say very sweet things." "I guess he hasn't wanted to for a while," I tered. "Aunt Sara, did you know my grandr before she was sent to the rest home?" Aunt Sara's smile faded quickly and she away. "Not really, no," she said. "I mean, Belinda always different, Jacob thought it best we didn't i much to do with her." "Why? Because Grandma Olivia wanted it way?" I asked pointedly. "It's better not to say anything if you can't anything nice about someone," Aunt Sara lectui "Oh, I forgot. Could you pick up some garlic for on the way home? Here, let me give you sor money," she said, hurrying to her cookie jar. It look more as if she were fleeing from my questions. I went upstairs to change into a pair of jeans and. faded gray sweatshirt with our high school letters oi the front. I put on a pair of sneakers, too, and the; went running down the stairs, hurrying to catch up1 with Cary and May. Aunt Sara was waiting at tba4 front door to hand me the money for the garlic. "Thank you," she said, but she didn't move out of the way. After a moment she lifted her eyes and said, "Laura liked Belinda." It wa& as if guilt had been buzzing around in her head like a bee in a jar, threatening to sting her if she didn't open the lid. "She did?" "She even went to visit her at the home once." She lowered her voice to a whisper even though there was no one else around. "Olivia never knew, but Jacob found out and he was very upset with her for doing it. It was one of the few times he got angry at Laura. She promised never to go again and that was that." "Why was everyone so mean to my grandmother?" HEART SONG tthat we were mean to her, dear. She ate lies, and lies are ... lies are what jUtey are, like termites. They get into your tdation and tear you down. Only sinners Slolie." randma Olivia might be the biggest sinner arted and Aunt Sara's face nearly collapsed y^Sae turned white. '- r ever heard you say such a terrible s>rry. Aunt Sara. I won't say it again. If you ' something nice ^ibout someone, don't say ^1 reminded her. .She nodded. *'0h dear, oh dear," she i as she returned to the kitchen. fcad about shocking her with my outburst, but HW frustrated and angry about the way this f treated Grandma Belinda that I felt like lash- tvK all of them, all of them with their holier- Siou attitudes, gazing down their noses at the *as as if they stood on Mount Olympus. Even if Sling was wrong with Grandma Belinda and she id silly things, confusing time and place, that a reason to ostracize her and forbid everyone »seeing her. Maybe there was another reason why ty brought me here, I thought. Maybe it was for taia Belinda, who otherwise had no one to come "defense but the shadowy figures of her flustered wy. ien I got to town, I found the streets jammed people and traffic. There were many families, ters and fathers walking with their children, yone holding hands, their faces full of smiles, eyes bright with excitement as they gazed at the things in store windows or at other people 99 V. C. ANDREWS rushing by on the way to restaurants, the the shops. I couldn't help standing wistfully^ watch them walk by. Why couldn't that teenage |* me and that man and woman be my real fathe mother? Why couldn't I lead a normal life and vacation with my parents? What had turned f my direction and chosen me to be the one whoj flounder about searching for her identity? A chorus of horns and then loud laughter sho out of my self-pity. When I looked around, a returned to my face. Provincetown on weekends^ filled with excitement. Yes, these people were tow and some of them littered and some of them dr badly or complained vehemently about prices, most enjoyed themselves and were appreciative of< ocean, and respected and admired the fishermen a boatmen. Shop owners, restaurant owners, hotel a bed-and-breakfast owners needed the business. me, those who were securely planted in their w© and property here and who looked down on all were selfish and arrogant. They lived in their < world and Grandma Olivia was queen of it, I thoq Well, as long as I lived here, I would never be that. I wouldn't become one of them no matter" much money I inherited, I vowed. I hurried on toward the Sea and Shell, a inexpensive eatery near the dock. When I tia corner, looking back when I should have been 1< forward, I rammed into someone who sh$ "Whoa, there!" I gazed up and into the eyes < very handsome and distinguished looking n knew to be Adam Jackson's father, T. J. Jackson.i of the most prominent attorneys in Provinceto Before this, I had seen him only from a distano sdoociL functions oc o& ^he stree'L 'Whenews hfc me, te VocflreA at me 'with a very penswe (al oal face. I thought that was because of something HEART SONG ltd him about me, something nasty of rsister Michelle, and his mother, Ann, a ive brunette who was just as tall as her )od directly behind Mr. Jackson. Adam J| Us usual smirk of self-confidence, but grimaced with disgust. Her shiny braces ft her teeth, making her mouth as mechani|d looking as her dull brown eyes. She was &ing into the eighth grade, and from what I , just as snobby as a skunk. stto," Mr. Jackson said, widening his smile ^cognized me. , tv," I said. ?$ an right. No harm done. Where are you |ifi such a hurry?" late. I have to meet my cousins for lunch," I 'aiding Adam's gaze. Ever since the time on ch and the subsequent fight Cary had with i the cafeteria, we had had little to say to each ; had graduated and was going off to college gust. He had told me he would become a ; his father, although he didn't seem to have assion to be an attorney. He was doing just Kpected ofhim. yer really been this close to his mother "was a very pretty woman with big green ijaose and mouth so perfectly shaped she s been a model. She reminded me a lot of (because she had the same high cheekbones ft neck. I wondered if she had ever wanted xiel, too. She didn't smile, so much as keep i friendly look in her eyes and mouth, $ you're too late, you're welcome to join us It" Adam's fa&ec offweA. MicteVLe stuSteA . to laer Otihel fooV anA swu^i, ^ei c^ts sky with a grunt of annoyance. V. C. ANDREWS "Thank you, but I'm sure they're waiting for- "We're going right in here," he continued, p ' to one of the more expensive Provincetown rants. "Come right back and join us if you've them," he insisted. "Thank you." "I never had the opportunity to tell you how mi enjoyed your fiddle playing at the variety show,* said. "Wasn't she something, Ann?" "Yes, she was," Adam's mother said with a sr smile. "A very nice surprise." "How's your grandmother these days? I have seen her in quite a while," Adam's father continue4| if we had all the time in the world to waste away, truth, only Michelle seemed impatient and bothec Adam continued his self-satisfied smirk, enjoying] discomfort. His mother looked patient and friendly. "She's very well, thank you," I said. "Well, perhaps we can treat you to lunch anothe time," Adam's father said. I gazed at his soft blue eye and gentle smile. I didn't know whether lawyers coiri turn the charm on and off at will because of the wor they did in court before juries, but he seemed s sincere and warm, I almost wished I could have lunc&'j with him, "It's the least we can do to show our I appreciation for the fine performance you gave," he] added. "Don*t stop playing that fiddle." "I won't. Thank you," I said and hurried away confused as to why he seemed so interested in me. It was hard to believe that someone as nasty as Adam came from such nice parents. Cary and May were just finishing their sandwiches when I arrived at the Sea and Shell. "Sorry I was late," I said sliding across from them in the booth. "I didn't know Grandma Olivia was having Raymond bring me to her after the visit for an interrogation." HEART SONG ay g^on is more like it." A thought you had decided to stay and P|Mth Belinda." t eat lunch anywhere. Grandma Olivia [.offer me a glass of water." ugged. grandma. Go on and order. We'll wait and ^eat," Cary said with a smile. let me forget to bring home gariic for your I said as I chose a sandwich from the menu. Ad him about my literally bumping into sjcson's father and family and how Mr. practically insisted I join them for lunch. e8 grew dark with anger just at the mention ['S name. ?es he'd want to show off. He was always like '"ffary said. "Like father like son." aw do you know what Mr. Jackson was like the was younger, Cary?" I asked, wondering at aom behind his words. hwnt to school with my father and your step} Dad's told me about him. He was always d, arrogant. That's just the way the Jacksons are iways will be." ? didn't seem to be just now." H, he is," Cary insisted. "They ought to be as the Snobsons and not the Jacksons," he Whenever he got very angry, his ears would t'red at the edges. They were that way now, so I pped the subject and began talking about Grand- Belinda instead. I had to remember to sign as I linked so May wouldn't feel left out. I didn't sign f'twrything, of course. Cary shook his head with 'ijlisbeUef when I described what Grandma Belinda tod said happened between her and Grandpa Samuel. ^ "I never knew any details, but I knew she was ^saying outrageous things." V. C. AJWIZEWS "Now I understand why Grandpa Samuel me to come to him with any questions," I "Grandma Olivia has little love for her sister ani think some of what Grandma Belinda told me mayl true." J "I don't know," Cary said, shaking his head und tainly. "I could probably count on my fingers hQ often her name's been mentioned in our house on Grandma's." . "That's just it, Cary. There's got to be more oq reason why she is persona non grata in this family.* "What? Persona?" ^ "Not wanted," I explained impatiently. "You do< disown someone because she's mentally ill, do youl He started to shrug. "Your mother told me Lai went to see her once." His smile froze. "She told you that?" "Yes." "My father was very upset with her." "She told me that, too. Don't you think that wrong, to treat a sick old lady like the plague? Well«| don't you?" I pursued when he didn't respond. May| was signing question after question, but I didn't turn ] from Cary. ; "All I know is my father said Belinda was very immoral when she was younger and he didn't want Laura around that sort of woman," Cary said, a bit sheepishly. "I'm sorry." "Your father... infuriates me," I waited. Cary laughed. "He does! What makes him so high and mighty? Isn't there something in the Bible about judging others?" "Judge not that ye be not judged," Cary said softly, nodding. "Well?" He shrugged. HEART SONG ««that," he said. V I declared, amazed at my newfound con- ''v^tand up for my poor, defenseless grand- liled, doubting that I had the courage. It to the fire of wrath building in my chest. I at May and then he leaned toward me. l.you're angry, you're about twice as pretty as ^normally and that's a lot," he said. ds brought a different shade of crimson to s. My thoughts became jumbled and con1 when I realized that those words could an effect over me, I looked away quickly, ing whether I should cry or laugh at the ; that raged in my heart and in my head. we had gone to the supermarket and bought t Sara her gariic, we headed home. There wasn't a tin the afternoon sky and the breeze had warmed 'fTfbe ocean looked soft and inviting with the IBrilt glittering on the waves. The anger inside me ^fiagotten once I glimpsed the beauty of the sea, low conversation returned to more pleasant sub- k than family. Cary talked again about his desire ?aild real boats. He was full of ideas for customiz- them and improving on their mobility. When f talked about his dreams he became a different on, more confident and intense, and I worried .,_ Uncle Jacob's tyranny would slowly crush the |Aope and life from him. |--"If your father really cared, he would want to see -H9U turn your dreams into reality," I said, but he r continued to make excuses for Uncle Jacob on the ^jt>asis of family and tradition. :, As we drew closer to the house, May said she tinted to go hunting sea shells, but Cary was deter- C®ined to return to the model boat on which he was V. C. ANDREWS currently working. I sensed that this one was important to him, so I offered to take May to beach and keep her out of his hair. "Come on up when you get back," Cary whispel "I have something special to show you," he added. | felt a flutter in my breast and nodded. ^ May didn't seem unhappy that Cary wasn't accom panying us. She looked as if she wanted to be alon< with me, and as soon as we reached the seashore," saw why. She began to ask me questions about my lifd in West Virginia and boyfriends I had had. When^ asked her why she wanted to know, she blushir told me she had a boyfriend. "What?" I laughed, and we sat on a mound of sand as she] explained how she had been partnered with this boy| at school for different tasks and how they had grow»| to like each other. On Friday, when no one was| looking, he had leaned over and kissed her on thel cheek. She was so excited by it, she confessed, that she'1 hadn't washed her face since. I started to laugh, but saw how serious and intense < she was about the experience and instead turned my thoughts to the first time a boy had kissed me. First times for some things were so special they stayed with you all your life, I thought, especially a girl's first kiss. "Did Cary ever kiss you?" she asked. Apparently May, although deaf, was not blind to the attraction,! between Cary and me, how we looked at each otbi how we spoke and touched each other, in ways tt she knew were significant. Now it was my turn blush. And worry that others in the family hi noticed as well. "We're just good friends," I said quickly, witho really answering her questions. "What's your 1 friend's name?" I asked, desperate to change the i ject. HJBAjRT SOATG ^.. ry," she pronounced proudly. "Were """tove?" she signed quickly. I crushes on boys," I told bet, "but I don't really in love." &d@ you know when you're in love?" she % an easy question to answer," I told her. 3U have a crush on a boy, you can't think of , else. You write his name on everything and i about in a daydream and act so silly, people re lovesick." se?" She lost her smile. "Do you have to take ae?" she asked. ," I said laughing. Then I realized she had been ^ it up with doctors and nurses and medicine lyafher life. The word sick had only one meaning ^> "You're not actually sick. You're just. .. i^flly things all the time." t made her thoughtful for a while. Then, she I around to be sure no one was near before ^ ®e that something was happening to her and l was why she was so worried when I mentioned Srtiat do you mean?" I asked, concerned. She was for a minute and then unbuttoned her blouse to w me the rise around her nipple. "Oh, you're just Sloping breasts," I said and told her as much as I ild about a woman's body. When J mentioned the - ~y period, she was astounded. ding?" she made me repeat, grimacing as she . a't your mother ever told you any of this?" I fc*She shook her head. "What about Laura?" ^reminded me that none of this was happening 't when Laura was alive and Laura probably ;Bt she wasn't ready. ftd her more. Of course she knew that babies from mothera. but the details of the proems V. C. ANDREWS currently working. I sensed that this one was important to him, so I offered to take May to?' beach and keep her out of his hair. "Come on up when you get back," Cary whispd "I have something special to show you," he adde felt a flutter in my breast and nodded. May didn't seem unhappy that Cary wasn't aoa panying us. She looked as if she wanted to be at with me, and as soon as we reached the seashor saw why. She began to ask me questions about my] in West Virginia and boyfriends I had had. Whe asked her why she wanted to know, she blushit told me she had a boyfriend. "What?" I laughed, and we sat on a mound of sand as explained how she had been partnered with this 1 at school for different tasks and how they had gray to like each other. On Friday, when no one ^ looking, he had leaned over and kissed her on cheek. She was so excited by it, she confessed, that; hadn't washed her face since. I started to laugh, but saw how serious and Intel she was about the experience and instead turned thoughts to the first time a boy had kissed me. Fit times for some things were so special they stayed wit you all your life, I thought, especially a girl's first kiss;^ "Did Cary ever kiss you?" she asked. Apparently! May, although deaf, was not blind to the attraction1 between Cary and me, how we looked at each other,: how we spoke and touched each other, in ways that she knew were significant. Now it was my turn to blush. And worry that others in the family had noticed as well. "We're just good friends," I said quickly, without really answering her questions. "What's your boyfriend's name?" I asked, desperate to change the subject. HEART SONG ,»y," she pronounced proudly. "Were Ive?" she signed quickly. lamshes on boys," I told her, "but I don't !Naiy in love." l^yeu know when you're in love?" she Sa r-aa easy question to answer," I told her. ' lave a crush on a boy, you can't think of s. You write his name on everything and xrt in a daydream and act so silly, people ,-,-wesick." tISbe tost her smile. "Do you have to take ^ she asked. Irj^said laughing. Then I realized she had been iflp with doctors and nurses and medicine 3>er life. The word sick had only one meaning ^"^bu're not actually sick. You're just... toy things all the time." made her thoughtful for a while. Then, she Laround to be sure no one was near before i^aethat something was happening to her and as why she was so worried when I mentioned ""tat do you mean?" I asked, concerned. She was a minute and then unbuttoned her blouse to ie the rise around her nipple. "Oh, you're just j>ing breasts," I said and told her as much as I [about a woman's body. When I mentioned the -1 period, she was astounded. ding?" she made me repeat, grimacing as she I't your mother ever told you any of this?" I , She shook her head. "What about Laura?" reminded me that none of this was happening tea- when Laura was alive and Laura probably ht she wasn't ready. >ld her more. Of course she knew that babies from mothers, but the details of the process V. C. ANDREWS were still a mystery. She was shocked to learn women carry eggs and men carry the sperm. W she asked me how the sperm got to the egg, 11 tated, wondering if I should be the one to tell Why hadn't Aunt Sara had a mother-daughter yet? How long did she think May would rema child? Did she and Uncle Jacob assume that M deafness made her immune to a young girl's thoy and desires? Had Mommy and Daddy thought I was immune| these desires? Mama Ariene took pity on me and a my questions and I told May about the birds and til bees the way I remembered Mama Ariene telling in me. I described sex as Nature's trick to bring tv people who loved each other together so they cotf create the greatest expression of their love: a baby. didn't go into vivid detail, but I let her understa that a man and a woman had to join to make it happen. She was still, almost stunned, and then she signed < question that nearly brought me to tears: Would he baby be born deaf because she was deaf? Of course, I didn't know for sure, but I told her didn't think so. I told her her baby would be a| separate person. She liked that and smiled again. l| told her to come to me with any questions any time she wanted. She looked up at me seriously and made the signs to indicate I had become her older sister. That did bring tears to my eyes and I hugged her. Then we got up and resumed our search for precious sea shells. As May walked ahead of me along the beach, I now saw her as more than just a little girl. Sooner than Aunt Sara expected. May would become a young woman, a very pretty and sensitive young woman whose deafness made her even softer and more gentle than most. She would search for someone to trust, HEART SONG Gloved her deeply. He would have to be &d, I thought, because she was so spell-eturned to the house. May went to her rSway her new sea shells and I climbed the Stay's attic. As soon as I stepped through r, I saw him hovering over his new model w working with such intensity, he hadn't tvwae up. Feeling like a spy, I stood there tly watching him concentrate. His mouth ly open, his eyes fixed on the tiny paint seemed to be holding his breath. After a minutes, he sat back and sighed with at his accomplishment. Then he realized I »and turned quickly, blushing. Pfong have you been here?" |"a few seconds. I'm sorry. I didn't want to pt," I said. s okay. Perfect timing. I just finished," he said, ; "Come, take a look." 5ped closer and gazed at the beautiful, sleek t he'd been working on. He had just painted ' on the hull. Surprised, I looked up at him. t'$ for you," he said. tedly? Oh, it's beautiful, Cary." Are engineering of its shape is my creation. If you r closely," he said, "you'll see two people inside sabin. That's us." ^%-leaned over and peered through the cabin win- few. There were a tiny man and a woman standing ttaade each other, gazing into each other's eyes. p^ ?*Ifs so precious," I said softly, my breath catching ^-Sk my throat. , - "After it dries I'll bring it to your room," he said. - **ymi can keep it on the shelf by your bed." "Thank you, Cary. I'll always cherish it. Did you lever give anyone else a boat you made?" I asked. V. C. ANDREWS Curiosity had gotten the best of me. I should smothered the question, for I saw it brought unpleasant memories. "I gave one to Laura once, but she didn't thy was that special," he said turning away. "She seeing Robert Royce then," he added, as if explained everything. "I didn't see it in the room," I said. "That's because it's not there." "Where is it?" "Floating some place in the ocean," he said "Where's May?" "Organizing her new sea shells," I said. "Good." "She told me she has a boyfriend," I told him. "What?" He smiled. "A boyfriend? Our May?" "Yes, really. There's a boy at school who likes he She was full of questions about boys and love." g| "Did you have the answers?" I "Some. She wanted to know how you know you're^ in love," I told him. 1 A small smile crossed his lips and a twinkle earner into his eyes. ; "What did you say?" "I told her I didn't know for sure. It was different for everyone," I said, trying not to meet his eyes. "Then she wanted to know how babies are made. Apparently, your mother hasn't told her anything." "What did you tell her?" he asked with some trepidation. "The truth," I said. "Not in great detail, of course, but the basics at least. She's becoming a young woman, Cary. It's time she understood what was happening to her body and what could happen, don't you think?" "I can't think of anyone I'd rather have tell her about it," he said after a moment's thought. HEAKTSONG that's who," I countered, but he [head. tinued to stare at me, and as his glimmering Marine, my pulse quickened. He stepped i as he leaned toward me, I lifted my mouth ation of his kiss. We kissed and then we in only harder and longer. He took my hand ' brought me to the small sofa. When he sat, toe onto his lap and brought his lips to mine in. This kiss was more intense. ielody," he said, moving his lips down my ?lb way neck. I lay back, enjoying the feelings og through my body. "I've gotten so I don't ' of anything but you. Even on the boat, Fm Hiagofyou, forgetting to do things. Yesterday, I t^ed about for twenty minutes, forgetting why I ?wrench in my hand. Dad thought I was sick." ivesick," I laughed and he pulled back as if I had am. s, lovesick," he said with a sneer. "I guess I'm I® Sophisticated about it as, say, Adam Jackson." stood up, pulling his hand out of mine as if he'd ErTmrned. Gary, I was just kidding. I just told May all about Fand--" What do you think, I'm acting like an eleven-yearF he asked astounded. Ripfo,!,.." ^Bfe shook his head and turned away. s,,/*Cary, I'm sorry. Really. I didn't mean to insult ^jaw. I don't want to drive you away from me," I Jiydctodi. He sat in his chair and sulked. I got up quickly l-aiad went to him. "I'm sorry," I said and kissed him tloa the cheek. He took a deep breath. r>."I guess I'm just nervous," he admitted. "I don't I have all that much experience with women." "Neither do I with men," I said. "So we've got to be V. C. ANDREWS kind to each other, gentle, loving, and most of forgiving," I added. He liked that and his smile was warm again. "I forgive you. Now, where were we?" he asked put his arms around my waist. "I think right here," I said and leaned over to him. "Maybe I should have you tell me how babies made, too," he kidded. "I'm not sure I've got it right "I doubt that, Cary Logan." He laughed and then stood up, tightening his e; brace around me. As we kissed, his hands slid un< my sweatshirt. His fingers moved up my side and my back until he found the clip on my bra. I didn't move. He fumbled a while with the clip a then suddenly, it unfastened. The thrill that sl through my body made my legs weak. I moaned unc his kiss and he brought me back to the sofa. When lusj fingers moved over my nipple, I thought my heart,'; would shatter from pounding. i5 "Oh Melody, I am lovesick, but I don't care," he whispered. "I don't care if I die of it." He started to pull my sweatshirt up but I stopped him. No one but Mommy and Mama Arlene had ever seen me undressed before, I thought. It was exciting, but it was scary, too. "Don't you want to?" he asked. "Yes, but slowly," I said. He kissed me again, and again he started to pull up my sweatshirt. He brought his lips to my breast and I slipped farther down under him. His right hand moved to my hip and over to the button that fastened my jeans. The suddenness with which he did it surprised me. For a moment, I couldn't catch my breath. "No," I said. "Not yet." He pulled his hand back, kissed my breasts, and pressed himself to me. I felt the small explosion building inside me and then I felt his hardness, even HEART SONG t pants, and I grew more frightened. It was and if we let it go one second more, I It- 5 would be like trying to hold back the tide. Sl- better stop," I whispered. He held me , his breathing coming hard and fast. |pu sure?" ibr now. Please, Gary." jf," he said. After another long moment, he p and turned away, embarrassed by his obvitial excitement. I sat up quickly and reached fasten my bra. "I should be going down to ait Sara with dinner." it," he said. He returned to his desk and I shuffling model parts back and forth noisily. evou okay?" l," he said, nodding but not looking at me. & minute, he added, I think it's easier for girls 9 once you start, especially when you've gone |lar." fetfon't really know," I said, wondering if what he I was true. I do," he said harshly. "I don't need to practice 8&much to learn that lesson." He was trying not to ^ angry and frustrated, but I could see the battle "^ * l him had filled his eyes with fire and turned his I sherry red. E I fumbled with my hair and realized my hair clip |iad fallen out. It wasn't on the sofa, so I looked beside |^;and then behind it. l-^l lost my hair clip some place," I said. "It must Have fallen behind the sofa." & "1*11 find it for you," he said and started to get up. felt's okay. I can do it." 's j, I pulled the sofa back Just a little and saw the clip. yhen I reached down for it, however, I saw some- JtSaxos 61s®. something that put a cold, shocking chill in i aiy heart. It looked like the floor boards were parted. . Light was coming up and through the floor. I leaned V. C. ANDREWS closer and realized I was looking down into my i looking right over the bed. "What Is this?" I asked. When I raised my Cary was staring at me, a look of terror on his "It's . .. nothing." "Nothing? It's an opening in the floor. Right my bed." "It was just there, just the way the boards settfa something. That's why I put the sofa over it," he', quickly. When you're dose enough to someone to seel love in his eyes, I thought, you can also see the Cary was lying. "How long as it been there, Cary?" "Since the house was built, I guess." He gave exaggerated shrug of his shoulders. "I don't know.^ I gazed at the hole in the floor again, I didn't kno lot about the structure of houses, but I knew that h hadn't just formed there. He had obviously used < of his tools for constructing models to punch out opening. "Why did you do this, Cary?" He shifted his eyes guiltily away and just sat th< with his hands in his tap. "I know you did this, Cary. Stop lying to me," demanded, confusion again coming to take the pi of my happiness. He nodded. "I did it when Laura started bringing him hom^l and they spent time together in her room," he con- < fessed angrily. "Robert Royce?" "Yes," he said, turning to me. He had his eye& squinted shut as he spoke. It was as if he were trying to block out some scene scorched on his brain. "I didn't trust him. I told her, but she wouldn't listen, so I thought I had to look in on her and be there if she needed me, if he ... tried something." HEART SONG think she would have been able to stop this eyes and shook his head. at know. What if she couldn't? I did it for feted. "I couldn't help it," he admitted. n't looked down that hole at you, if that's think. I swear. I'm not a peeping Tom. e pleaded, his face contrite with his effort to | me and his need to have me forgive him. eve you," I said, and he relaxed. "You should s .though." tt. I just forgot about it," he said. "The sofa f it, so I just forgot about it." Jded and put my hair clip back in. Then I ; tor the trapdoor. He reached out to take my ady, you don't think less of me because of iyou?" " I said. I smiled at him, but in my heart I was d. I didn't know exactly what to think or feel moment. I needed time. "I better go down s everyone starts wondering where I am," I said. "sc well take a walk after dinner or some- se," I said. I nodded at the work table. : you for the sailboat." Ie smiled and watched me descend. When I en- say room, however, I gazed up at the ceiling. that I knew it was there, I could see the small A second later, it was darkened. Gary had red it. But had he closed his heart on all that had made im drill the hole? Only time would tell, I thought. What had he seen down here and what had it done ^to him? I wondered. How confusing and wonderful. exciting and yet frightening sex was, I thought. I ^-didn't tell May, of course, but I could see it was the greatest mystery about ourselves. It inspired us, made V. C. ANDREWS us do creative things and yet strange things, things. May had turned to me for answers on the t answers I had no idea myself where I would find.. real sense both she and I were orphans. She ha mother who refused to acknowledge her needs ai had no mother to help me with mine. Whate discoveries I made through my awkward stumblin would bring to May so she would benefit. Perhaps 1 was another reason why I was brought here, I then But all these good plans and good intentions soon to be shattered. Uncle Jacob apparently had walked in on May, Aunt Sara just as May was signing a question 1 made Aunt Sara turn blue in the face. And w followed was about as furious as a hurricane. I just gone down to see what I could do to help with| dinner, but when I reached the bottom of the stair| way, I heard Uncle Jacob call my name. He spit it own the way he spat out hateful Biblical names Like Jezebel H and Satan, Delilah and Cain. ; I stepped into the living room. He was standing near the fireplace and when he turned, it looked as if embers from the fire had jumped into his eyes. There was no doubt that if he could have set me afire and turned me to ash, he would have done it in a heartbeat. I held my breath. No one had ever looked at me with such disdain. It chilled me to the bone. "How dare you?" he said. "How dare you come into my home and pollute my child? I warned you about this. I told you it was in your blood." I shook my head, tears of confusion clouding my vision. "What have I done?" "You have filled her mind with unclean thoughts, with pornography." "I have not. All I did was tell her how babies are HEART SONG fc^s wong with that? She's old enough to i things now and you and Aunt Sara should t her more." is widened. mother was a whore," he said through i teeth. "It's no surprise she bore a daughter if* He nodded, satisfied with his thoughts. I sayings are full of truth. The apple doesnt |Wi the tree. I forbid you to talk to May on let, xto you understand?" k my head defiantly at him and recalled the tjuotation Cary had given me at lunch. &- mot that yc be not judged," I fired back at oiled as if I had been big enough and strong to slap his face. His mouth moved, but | came out. He backed up a bit and then waved Ser at me, but not as firmly or with as much nee as before. ':..,. mark my words," he said and turned his n>nme. a around just as Cary came down the stairs. I ing now, the tears streaming down my cheeks. at's wrong?" : high and the mighty Logans have spoken I spit through my teeth and charged up the ere are you going? It's dinner time." ^m not hungry. I'd rather starve than sit at the ye table with him anyway," I cried and went into room, slamming the door behind me. My body tddered with my sobs. When I stopped to take a ath, 1 saw that Cary had put the beautiful sailboat ; the shelf. I went to it and wiped my cheeks as I stared at the ay parts and the two people inside the cabin, looking ' and in love. V.C. ANDREWS "No wonder Laura got into a sailboat with ] I muttered. "She just wanted to get away from i get away from all this." They did, but they died to do it, I thought. I J at Laura's picture on the dresser. Did you know what would happen to you tbat^ Laura? Did you deliberately sail into a storm? & you were running away from a lot more than th knew, or maybe you had seen something beyoz darkness, something more attractive and full of] hope. I wish I had known you; then maybe tog< we could have confronted the Logan misery. I went to the window and gazed out at the o< The horizon seemed to mark the edge of the we No wonder people believed you could fall off if; sailed too far. Tonight I wished I could do that rather take my chances in another world and esc the misery, the sadness, the deceit, and the lonelir I found in this one. Almost two years before, Laura had stood at 1 window and looked out at that dark horizon. Did: see an answer? Did she see hope? ^ I wear your clothes and I sleep in your bed, an too late. She died hating me." few- sure she didn't really hate you for it, Cary. She isas angry, but you two were too close for hate to have I ehance to set in any roots," I said trying to soothe 6is fears. pw: He shrugged, a small smile of gratitude on his lips. ||fc **I was telling you the truth about the hole upstairs. fctpat the sofa over it and wiped it from my memory." "I believe you, Cary." V. C. ANDREWS "I didn't want you to think I was invading privacy, too." I smiled at him and he wiped the tears from cheek. "I believe you, Cary. I really do." "Well, you ate. I guess I can brag," he said.* stood up, his eyes fixed on me, strong, loving, a very caring. "Don't run away. Melody. Ma's angry | Dad for what he said to you and he's feeling low* you just pretend he never said anything--v* "More burying of the truth?" "Sometimes, that's easier, I suppose." "Easier, Cary, but there's always a price to | when we hold a funeral for honesty, isn't there?*' "Maybe. All I know is I don't want you to leavi "I won't leave," I said finally. "I still have sor unfinished business, like finding out who my father is," I added dryly. Cary took the tray. "I'll take it down myself," I said. "I don't need yoi father complaining about me being waited on, too." "I dont mind waiting on you," Cary said. Our eyes met again and the memory of our kisses; and caresses upstairs in his attic workshop rushed1 back over me. I felt a flush come into my face, »; tingling up and down my body. It was almost an ache, ° a craving, and it was so strong, it actually frightened me. Yet for all the warmth that flooded through me, I H still felt an eerie chill as I thought of Gary's odd behavior and feelings for his sister. Thoughts and feelings that were definitely wrong, even sinful. Uncle Jacob would call them. I couldn't help wondering if the feelings Cary claimed to have for me were really leftover desires he'd had for Laura. Wauld I ever be loved or wanted for who I really was? But even as these thoughts flew through my mind I felt my body respond to Cary, felt the undeniable pull in my most ^ HEART SONG , "What was wrong with me that I could tttepulsed and attracted at the same time? is Uncle Jacob was right, perhaps I was truly E/anton. Maybe there was something flowing our veins, something lustful, sinful, evil. I thought, I am Haille Logan's daughter. Vtl would hurt Cary just the way Mommy had "NSag men, men like Kenneth Childs. Cary took ptoward me and I moved quickly to seize the bd step around him. E Sake it down now," I said, avoiding his eyes. I f 1 looked, I would find two dark pools of aldtment n I reached the bottom of the stairway and , I saw Uncle Jacob in his chair listening to the S oh the radio. May was sprawled on the rug by his wading. Of course, she didn't hear me. Uncle ife?s eyes fixed on me a moment and then shifted ^guiltily, I thought. I continued to the kitchen. was. Sara wasn't there and the dishes were still kill the sink. I rinsed mine off and put them in, rl was going to clean up for her, but I was curious e she was. I saw that the back door was slightly , so I went to it and peered out. There she was, g alone on the small bench, her arms folded s her chest, gazing into the darkness. ^Aant Sara?" &**Qh." she said as if she had been caught doing twaething illegal or immoral. I stepped out quickly. I^T'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to ruin your Saner tonight." She shook her head. y ."Jacob doesn't mean half of what he says," she ansisted. I tried to keep a look of disbelief from my _ lace. It was something she had to believe to live in ^e»ce, I thought. "He always regrets his blustering," the continued. "I told him. I explained it. I was just V. C. ANDREWS taken by surprise. May is just curious. I natural. You didn't tback. i thought on that and then nodded. g^bu're right." He held up his hand. "I'm guilty, ich shows you, even I can be tempted into the mg frame of mind. I'll make a pact with you," he las he pulled into Abe driveway. "I won't ask you questions about your private life and you won't t-aae any about mine. We'll just be in the world of gpkay?" isn't a world separate from the real world," I V. C. ANDREWS said, my eyes narrow, my gaze fixed and i "Ideas, images, colors all come from 5 ences, don't they?" ^ He stared silently at me, a friendly, almost glint coming into his eyes before he smiled. S "You're quite a kid," he said. He said it wl admiration and pride, I had to blush. "Oka^iJ right. But we'll do our best. Deal?" He extec hand. I stared at it a moment. He wanted met to be silent, to lock up my thoughts and quest put aside my quest for truth. I shook my hea "I can't promise something I'm not sure I 1 strength or even the willingness to do," I said." He sighed with frustration and then smiled "All right, but at -least promise you'll important to my work." He waited. "I'll try," I offered, weakly. It was enough for now. He hopped out of the] and I followed^ Ulysses at our heels. "I've been working all weekend," he said went around the house to the studio. "Even w my star," he added, throwing a smile back at i When he opened the studio door, I saw wl meant. Near the marble block, there was a papier-mach6 mass shaped like a wave about to on shore. "It's not exactly right yet, but that's something 1 the wave I've envisioned," he said. "Do you see opening in the center?" "Yes." "I want you to go behind the wave, crawl undeis! and come up through that hole." "': "Really?" "That's the idea. I can picture you emerging from a wave, as part of the wave, this way. Understand?" "Yes," I said, thinking it was a very clever idea. "Just crawl in first and then I'll tell you how I want you to stand and so on." He went to his drawing table. PigHA^r song t me and I walked around tile I found where he had left room sSwcae up through the opening. ; silly, but I did it. hand stepped away from his table. led, stared, thought, waited about gain. "Okay, this is going to be a bit ,-wtorry. We'll get it right. Go back fvp very, very slowly. I just want to our head at first." A fewhen my head was visible. "Very coming up, yes, slower, stop. Per- r uncomfortable for you?" titled. ^t a moment and then moved quickly to lie gathered up the big cushions and A behind the paper wave. it,position until I stuff these pillows under d» "Okay, you can sit there." ound to the front again. l^work for a while," he said. "Come on out plain it to you in more detail," he said. ^ fed out of the wave and took my place beside Fhad already drawn a sketch of the wave, but |k. |jae middle undone, waiting for me. ^bsaS to think of a picture, a painting, a 'eas having movement, but this is what I have are here because the movement is your devel- »your emergence from the sea into this beautiS woman. Your body will first appear liquid, fc>ut it will start to emerge separate from the i, although I wasn't sure I really under- he said, pausing and turning to me, "you I't emerge dressed in a sweatshirt and a pair of , Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" V. C. ANDREWS My pulse began to throb, my heart thought of what he was alluding to. standing naked before Kenneth, whether'. father or not, made me queasy. "Yes," I said almost too softly to be bee "I have to have you comfortable, at ease. Ite to get past yourself and me and become pa work, the essence of this work. Think of yi the sculpture and not as Melody Logan un(i some barn, okay?" I nodded, weakly. "My shoulders are too bony and my o sticks out too far," I complained. "I also havera of freckles all over here," I said, pointing tow, just below my collarbone, '^l Kenneth smiled. "I don't think that's going to be a problem Melody, and you're far from bony. Look," 6 more patiently, "I know it's unfair to ask ; achieve a professional attitude the first time model for someone, and I won't expect pert right away, but in time, you'll see," he said warm smile. "As hard as it is to believe, it will t very ordinary after a while." He paused and looked at the door. "You didn't tell anyone about this, did you?" asked quickly. I shook my head. "Good." The realization of what he feared made me lau especially when I considered how Uncle Jacob ) reacted to the little I had told May about a woman*! body. Suddenly, all the fear and nervousness left me, 3 as I realized that modeling for Kenneth was just the thing to get Uncle Jacob's goat. "What's so funny?" he asked, smiling. I told him about May's revelation of her first kiss SfEAKT SONG tains, and how I had described the sciences ag she matures. I explained gi^glven her some information about ' 's 'And then I told him what had me and Unde Jacob when May, Sng I had said in front of him and »see Uncle Jacob's face when he sees tter," I said, still unable to keep the ay voice. fH&rse's ass," Kenneth said. "He always |er had many friends and he was always r|okes and ridicule because of this high- moral attitude of his, as if he were some ^"Kstament prophet. Haille teased him a e.added with a small laugh. ?*Will you tell me about it?" S. Et. Here's the deal. I'll tell you about the old ^ break for lunch or rests, if you promise any questions, not to talk while I work. suffered. ae 1 seized his hand so fast, it brought a real i his lips. Then he grew serious. do this slowly," he said, "as slowly as I it in the work itself. Just take off that rt for now. I want to see you up to here this S," he said indicating just above my breasts. ace, neck, and shoulders. Model, take your ," he ordered with a smile and wave of his at behind the papier-mache wave and pulled off Ml^eatshirt. Then I crawled through the opening ' isat on the pillows, just my head emerging. He in to work, and as he did, I saw his face become so ase, his eyes so riveting, I couldn't keep mine off V. C. AMZWEWS After a while he said, "Another pilhn»| I understood he meant for me to putai pillow under myself so I would come apt When my head was as high as he had inc wanted he continued to work on and on. : "This is just the shape, the outline," he A "We're going to spend a lot of time disci expression on your face, how I want you to 3 eyes, your mouth. The best way to do that is 1 to think of something in your own past thf this, some event, some moment, some thoi experiences." "Just as I told you: art isn't in a world by; quipped smugly. He paused and smiled. "All right. Don't be a smartass," he said both laughed. Maybe I would be able to do this. Maybe I w able to relax and help him create his greatest' thought "Break," he called after nearly another hasBgj brought me a large bath towel to drape ovepa shoulders, and put on some water for tea. The ^ covered my shoulders and bra. I used it to wip®j perspiration from my face and neck. a "It really is work just standing still," I said.' nodded. "I'd rather be on this side of the brush," h& ad ted. "You take sugar, right?" "Just one teaspoon, thank you." "You know, what you were telling me about and her questions is exactly the sort of thing I'm .' here," he said. He sat at the small table and I sat on < stool beside him. "She's emerging out of childhc into the first stages of womanhood. Can you when this first happened to you?" "Yes, I guess so." "What was it like?" mSART SONG ffderfd," I said. He nodded, obvilaaae to continue. I thought about it. feelings in old places." He smiled. "Exactly." jufold me about her first kiss, I thought atltow I had run all the way home and ' room to be alone with my excitement. I iy?s name about two million times and «t more kisses, longer kisses." tteli'your mother about it?" while." s^-asked, very interested in what she had ied and told me not to believe in kisses or ases made while kissing. She said to make t^, that they're never too young to pay. I didn't ted at the time," I said, waiting to see what he ySss as an explanation for Mommy's bitter i about men. lined the moment with that kind of talk. You Befieve in the magic first. Haillfr didn't stop k That was her problem," he said. "I don't renjoyed growing up, or gave herself enough innocence, understand?" taofc'You mean she grew up too fast?" ®e. She gave herself away too young," he said. |y breath caught. gaw do you know that?" Bte told me," he said, and I understood it hadn't ^with him. "But let's get back to you. When Scorning up out of the wave, you're just feeling ? new sensations and you're full of the same sort incstions May had about herself, questions you , too. Understand? Think of that, concentrate on He paused and glanced at me. "Your body is ' aping. There are tingles, feelings, sensations in there never were before. You're standing in V. C. ANDREWS front of the mirror, naked, and you're seen that, as you said, surprise, frighten, and tfa' the same time. Okay?" I nodded. The air was so warm around fed as if I bad slipped back in time. His words< magic. My body remembered itself, the first returned, the images-- The teakettle whistled, breaking my raw poured us each a cup and offered me a cracke; "How do you know so much about won» asked, and he laughed. "Me? I'm far from the expert on women. confusing me with dear old Dad." "Is that really why you and he dont get al well?" "That's part of it," he said, taking a sip of "Parents shouldn't try to force their children to fo in their footsteps, especially if their feet are ma clay," he said. He talked a little about how his father bad sured him to go to law school and then how he rebelled. I told him about Gary and his dream to I fishing and become a ship builder of custom boi "I told him to tell his father." "Did he do it?" he asked, his eyebrows raised anticipation. "Yes." "And?" "His father threw a fit, telling him it was family] tradition to be a fisherman and a cranberry farmer^ and h& had to continue." ; "Horse's ass," Kenneth said. "Cary will do it. Some day," I said firmly. Kenneth stared at me, a softness in his eyes. "You like him a lot, don't you?" "Yes," I admitted. "Romantically?" HEART SONG ng Kenneth wouldn't judge me for ^ with Cary. st boyfriend, is he?" he asked. He was r like my father now, a father who (daughter growing up. fs the most..." Sam and sipped my tea. yourlteart away too quickly, Melody. ; prdeious gift you can give any man," he 't^ like my mother, if that's what you dd sharply. ''be said. "That's good.'* ned to work. Kenneth put more detail into g- He explained that he intended to do at r dozen of these pictures, each taking the phosis to another stage so that it would be |afranimation. When he flipped the pictures bse would get the illusion of movement and ion would be embedded in his mind as he ^| would be in the marble block. l^^unch he showed me how to use some of the Bg, tools to do the preliminary work on the block. though it was hard work, I enjoyed it, enjoyed Sag I really was contributing to this artistic srpiece. The day flew by and I didn't have much e to t«ad to my usual chores, but when Kenneth winced it was time to stop, I was actually disap_