One night Mr. Philips forgot his keys; It was as
simple as that. Even though I was just a little over
eleven, I had been helping in the administrative
office as usual, filing purchase orders, receipts,
and repair orders. I had left Molly Stuart's watch
in Mr. Philips's bathroom when I had taken it off
to wash my hands. I didn't have a watch, and she
let me borrow hers once in a while. When she saw
I didn't have it on my wrist, she asked me about it,
and I remembered. This was after supper, when
we were all in our rooms doing homework. I told
her not to worry. I knew where it was. She fumed
and fumed until blood flooded her face. She was
positive someone would have stolen it by now
because Mr. Philips's office door was never
locked. So I left my room and hurried downstairs.
I entered, put on the lights, and looked in the
V. C. ANDREWS
bathroom. There it was on the sink where I had
left it.
I turned to leave, and that was when I saw Mr.
Philips's keys on his desk. I knew they were the
keys to the secret files, the files that held information
about each of us. Other kids were always
asking me if I had ever seen the files out while I
was working there. I never had.
My heart skipped a beat. I looked at the door
and back at those magical keys. It was close to
impossible for an orphan to learn about his or her
biological past, at least until he or she turned
eighteen. All I had ever been told was that my
mother had been too sick to keep me and that I
had no father.
I had never done a dishonest thing in my life,
but this was different, I thought. This was not
stealing. This was merely taking something that
really belonged to me: knowledge about my own
past. Quietly, I closed the front door, and then I
went to the desk, picked up the keys, and found
the one that would open the drawers containing
the secret files.
Funny, how I stood there, afraid to touch the
file that had my name on its tab. Was I afraid to
break a rule or afraid to learn about myself?
Finally, I got up enough nerve and pulled out my
file. It was thicker than I had imagined it could be.
I turned off the office lights so I wouldn't attract
any attention and sat on the floor by the bathroom
with the door only slightly ajar. A thin shaft of
CRYSTAL
light escaped and provided enough illumination
for me to read the pages.
The first few were filled with information I
already knew about myself: medical history,
school records. But the bottom stack of pages
opened the dark doors of my past and revealed
information that both surprised and frightened
me.
According to what I read, my mother, Amanda
Perry, had been diagnosed as a manic-depressive
when she was only in her mid-teens. She was
institutionalized at seventeen after repeated efforts
to commit suicide, once cutting her wrists
and twice trying to overdose with sleeping pills.
I read on and learned that while my mother was
in a mental facility, she was impregnated by an
attendant. Apparently, they never knew which
attendant, so I realized that some degenerate out
there was my father, unless I wanted to believe
that my mother and this attendant had the most
romantic and wonderful love affair between her
drug therapies, cold baths, and electric shock
treatments.
Anyway, when they realized my mother was
pregnant/someone made the official decision not
to abort me. After I was born, obviously neither
my paternal nor my maternal grandparents
wanted anything to do with me, and Mr. Degenerate
Attendant wasn't going to come out and claim
me,so I was immediately made a ward of the
state. My reports didn't say who had named me
V. C. ANDREWS
Crystal. I like, to think it was the one and only
thing my poor mother had been able to give me. I
had nothing else, not even the slightest idea who I
was, until I managed to sneak into these files.
I saw a simple statement about my mother's
death at the age of twenty-two. Her last attempt at
taking her own life was a successful one. I would
never meet her, even years from now when I was
on my own.
I remember the revelations made my hands
shake and gave me a hollow feeling at the base of
my stomach. Would I inherit my mother's mental
problems? Would I inherit my father's evil ways?
After I put the file back, locked up the cabinet,
returned the keys to the desk, and left, I had to go
right to the bathroom because I felt as if I had to
throw up.
I managed to keep my supper down but washed
my face with cold water just to calm myself. When
I looked in the mirror then, I studied myself,
searching my eyes, my mouth, looking for some
sign of evil. I felt like Dr. Jekyll searching for a glimpse of Mr. Hyde. From that day forward, I've
had nightmares about it. In them I see myself
become mentally ill and so sick that I would be
put in some clinic and locked away forever.
I suppose it was just natural that any psychologist
who knew about my past would wonder if I
shared any characteristics with my parents. From
what I had read, I understood that my mother

4
CRYSTAL
apparently acted out in school often and was a
very difficult student for all the teachers. She was
constantly in trouble. I've never been like that,
but I recently read that this sort of behavior is
considered a call for help, just as attempting
suicide is.
With all these calls for help, the world seemed
like a great big ocean with many people drowning
and lifeguards whimsically choosing to help this
one or that one. Naturally, the richer ones always
were saved or at least tossed a lifeline. Those like
me were shoved into mental institutions, group
foster homes, orphanages, and prisons. We were
swept under the rug with so many others. It made
me wondernow anyone could walk on it.
I never told anyone what I had learned, of
course, but I began to understand why it wasjhat
few prospective parents ever showed interest in
me. They probably were given information about
my past and decided not to take a chance on
someone like me.
Once, when I was at a different orphanage, I
was sitting outside and readingTAe Diary of Anne
Frank. (I was always two or three reading grade
levels above other kids my age.) Suddenly, I fett a
shadow move over me, and I looked up to see a
balloon drifting in the wind, the string dangling
like a tail. Some little child had loosened his or
her grip, and it had escaped. Now, however, it
drifted aimlessly, attached to no one, doomed
never to return to its owner. It disappeared over a
V. C^ANBREWS
rim of treetops, and I thought, that's what we're
all like here, balloons that someone released will
ingly or unwillingly, poor souls lost and sailing
into the wind, waiting and hoping for another
hand to take hold of us and bring us back to earth.
Three more years went by without my being
adopted or given a foster home. I was still helping
Mr. Philips in his office, and about a year ago, he
started calling me Little Miss Efficiency. I didn't
mind it, even when he used me to rankle his
assistants. He always said things like, "Why can't
you be as responsible or as careful as Crystal?" He
even said that occasionally to his secretary, Mrs.
Mills.
Mrs. Mills always looked as if she were drown
ing in carbon copies. Her fingers were usually blue
or black because of ribbons, ink cartridges, and
toner she had to change. In the morning, she came
to work looking as well put together as a work of
classical art, not a strand other blue-gray hair out
of place, her makeup perfect, her clothing clean
and unwrinkled, but by the end of the day, her
bangs were always dangling over her eyes, her
blouse usually had a smudge somewhere on it,
maybe two, her lipstick had somehow spread onto
a cheek, and she hadbecome a work of abstract
art. I know she's one person who never resented
me. She was always happy to greet me and appre
ciated the work I did, work she would probably
have had to do otherwise.
For someone my age, I know a lot about human
CRYSTAL
psychology. I got interested in it after I read about
my mother. Now I'ntthinking I might be a doctor
someday, and anyway, it's good to know as much
as you can about psychology. It comes in handy,
especially around orphanages.
But it's not always an asset to be smarter than
other people or more responsible. This is especially
true for orphans. The more helpless you
seem, the better your chances are for being
adopted. If you look as if you can take care of
yourself, who wants you? At least, that's'another
one of my theories for why I was a prisoner of the
system for as long as I was. Prospective adoption
parents don't Kke feeling inferior to the child they
might adopt. I've seen it firsthand.
There was this couple who asked specifically for
me. They wanted a child who was older. The
woman, whose name was Chastity, had asilly little
grin on her face. Her husband called her Chas, and
she called him Am, short for Arnold. I suppose
they would have ended up calling me Crys. Comr
pleting words was difficult for them. They had the
same problem with sentences, always leaving a part
dangling, like whenChas asked me, "What do you
want to be when you ..."
"When I what?" I forced her to say.
"Get older. Graduate from..."
"College or high school or the armed services or
secretarial school or computer training?'* I cataloged.
I had taken an immediate dislike to them.

7
V. C. ANDREWS
She giggled too much, and he looked as if he
wanted to be someplace else the moment he
walked into the room.
"Yes," she said, giggling.
"I suppose I want to be a doctor, but I might
want to be a writer. I'm not absolutely sure. What
do you want to be?" I asked her, and she batted
her eyelashes with a smile of utter confusion.
"What?"
"When you..," I looked at Ana, and he
smirked.
Her smile wilted like a flower and gradually
evaporated completely. Her eyes were forbidding
and soon filled with a nervous energy. I couldn't
count how many times she gazed longingly at the
door.
They looked quite relieved when the interview
ended,! didn't have another interview until just a
week ago, but I was happy to met Thelma and
Karl Morris. Apparently, my background didn't
frighten them, nor did my being precocious annoy
them. In fact, afterward, Mr. Philips told me I was ?
exactly what they wanted: an adolescent who|
promised to be no problem, who wouldn't make a J
major demand on their lives, who had sob
independence, and who was in good health.
Thelma seemed convinced that whatever dai
age she believed I'dsuffered as an orphan won
be corrected after a few weeks of life in her ai
Kari's home. I loved her cockeyedoptimism. SŁ
was a small woman in her late twenties with
CRYSTAL
curly light brown hair and hazel eyes that were as
bright and innocent as a six-year-old's.
Karl was only a few inches taller, with thin dark
brown hair and dull brown eyes. He looked much
older but was only in his eariy thirties. He had a
soft, friendly smile that settled in his pudgy face
like berries in cream. He was stout. His hands
were small, but his fingers were thick.
He was an accountant, and she said she was a
housewife, but they had long ago decided teat was
a job, too, and she should be paid a salary for it
She had even gotten raises when they had good
years. They couldn't stop talking about them
selves. It was as if they wanted to get out their
entire lives in one meeting.
The best thing I could say about them was that
there was absolutely nothing subtle, contrived, or
threatening about them. What you saw was what
you got. I liked that. It made me feel at ease. At
times during the interview, it was more as if I was
there to decide if/would adopt them.
"Everything is just too serious here," Thelma
told me toward the end of our session. She gri
maced, folding her mouth into a disapproving
frown. "It's just too serious a place for a young
person to think of as any sort of home. I don't
hear any laughter. I don't see any smiles."
Then she suddenly grew very serious herself
and leaned toward me to whisper. "'Vbu don't
have a boyfriend yet, do you? I'd hate to break up
a budding romance."
V. C. ANDREWS
"Hardly," I told her. "Most of the boys here are
quite immature." She liked that and was immediately
relieved.
"Good," she said. "Then it's settled. You'll
come home with us, and we'll never speak of
anything unpleasant again. We don't believe in
sadness---if you don't think about the bad things
in life, you'll find they all just go away. You'll see."
_ I should have known what that meant, but for
once in; lay short life, I decided to stop analyzing
everyone and just enjoy the company of someone,
especially someone who wanted to be my mother.

10

1

A New Beginning

foing home with the Morrises was like taking a
guided tour of their lives on a sightseeing bus.
They drove a moderately priced Sedan chosen,
Karl said, for its gas efficiency and for its high
rating in Consumer Reports.
"Karlmakes the decisions about everything we
buy," Thelma explained with a light laugh that
punctuated most df what she said. *'He says an
informed consumer is a protected consumer. You
can't believe in advertisements. Advertisements,
especially commercials, are just full of a lot of
misinformation, right, Karl?"
"Yes, dear," Kari agreed:
I sat in the rear, and Thelma remained turned
on an angle so she could talk to me all the way to
their home--my new home---in Wappingers
Palls, New York.
V. C. ANDREWS
"Kail and I were childhood sweethearts. Did 11
tell you that?"
She continued before I could tell her she had.
"We started to go together in the tenth grade,
and when Kari went to college, I remained faithful
to him, and he remained faithful to me. After
he graduated and was appointed to his position at
IBM, we planned our wedding. Kari helped my
parents make all the arrangements, right down to
the best place to go for flowers, right, Kari?"
"That's true," he said, nodding. He didn't take
his eyes off the road.
"Ordinarily, Kari doesn't like to have long
conversations in the car when he's driving," Thel-
ma explained, gazing at him and Smiling. "He
says people forget how driving a car is something
that requires their full attention."
"Especially nowadays," Kari elaborated, "with
so many more cars on the road, so many more
teenage drivers and older drivers. Those two age
groups account for more than sixty percent of all
accidents."
"Kari has all sorts of statistics like that floating
around his nund," Thelma said proudly. "Just
last week, I was thinking about replacing our gas
stove with a new electric range, and Kari conerted
BTUs... is that it, Kari? BTUs?"
"yes" - . , -
"BTUs into pennies of cost and showed mehow
the gas stove was more efficient. Isn't it wonderful

12

CRYSTAL
to have a husband like Kari who can keep you
from making the wrong decisions?"
I smiled and gazed out the windows. The or
phanage wasn't much more than fifty or so miles
from where my new parents lived, but I had never
traveled this far north. Other than some school
field trips, I hadn't been to many places at all. Just
leaving the orphanage and going twenty miles by
car was an adventure.
It was late summer, and the cooler autumn
winds had already begun to descend from the
north. Leaves were turning rust and orange, and
when I could see far into the distance and look
over the heavily wooded mountains, I thought the
ripple of colors was breathtakingly beautifuL This
was a bright, sunny day, too. The sky was a deep,
rich blue, and the clouds that flowed across it in a
stream of wind stretched themselves until they
became as thin as gauze. Way off to the south, an
airplane turned into a silver dot and then disap
peared into the douds»
I was happy and full of hope. I would have a
home, a place to calfcmy own, and someone else to
care about besides myself, as well as, I hoped,
someone to care about me. How simple that was
and bow taken for granted by most people, but
how wonderful and new and precious it was for
orphans like myself.
"Kari is the oldest of three brothers and the
only one married. His middle brother, Stuart, is a
V. C. ANDREWS
salesman for an air-conditioner manufacturer i
Albany, and his younger brother, Gary, has gradt
ated from a culinary institute in Poughkeepsi<
where Karl's father lives. Gary was hired to coo
on a cruise ship, so we don't hear from him or se
him much at all.
"Karl and his brothers are not far apart in ag<
but they're not all that close. No one is in Kari'
family, right, Karl?"
Karl nearly turned to look at her. His hea
started to move and then stopped when an autc
mobile about fifty yards in front of us emerge'
from a driveway and he had to slow down.
"If they didn't speak to each other on the phon
occasionally, they wouldn't know who still existe
in the family and who didn't. Karl's father is sti
alive, but his mother passed away, what, twoyeax
ago,Kari?"
"A year and eleven months tomorrow," Kai
said mechanically.
"A year and eleven months,"she repeated like
translator.
So I have two uncles and a grandfather o
Kari's side; I thought. Before I could ask about he
side, she volunteered the mformation.
"I don't have any brothers or sisters," Thelna
said. "^mother wasn't supposed to have an
children. She had breast cancer when she was onl
seventeen, and the doctors advised her not to have
children.The®, late in life, when she was in he

14

CRYSTAL
early thirties, she became pregnant with me. My
father was forty-one at the time. Now my mother
is fifty-eight and my father is sixty-nine.
"I bet you're wondering why we don't have any
children of our own. Before you, I mean," she
added quickly,
"It's none of my business," I said.
"Oh, sure it is. Everything that's our business is
your business now. We're going to be a family, so
we have to share arid be honest with each other,
right, Kari?" "Absolutely,"
he said, signaling to change lanes
and pass the car ahead of us.
"Karl's sperm count is too low," she said with a
smile, as if she were delighted about it.
"I don't know if we should talk about that,
Thelma." The back pf Karl's neck turned pink
with embarrassment.
"Oh, of course we can. She's old enough and
probably knows everything, there is to know. Kids
today are very advanced-How can they not help
it, with all that's on television? Do you watch
television much. Crystal?"
"No," I answered. ;
"Oh," she said, the excitement fading in her
face for the first time since we had met. Her eyes
looked like tiny flashlights with weakened batteries.
Then she thought of something and smiled
again. "Well, that's probably because you didn't
have much opportunity in a home with so many

(5

V. C.ANDREWS
other children. Anyway, we did try to have children.
As soon as Kari determined it was financially
sensible for us, we tried, right, Kari?"
He nodded.
"Nothing happenedno matter how we planned
it. I used a thermometer to take my temperature,
plotted the days on my calendar, even planned
some romantic evenings," she said, blushing. She
shrugged. "Nothing happened. We just thought
we were missing," she continued. "Take better
aim, I used to tell him, didn't I, Kari?"
"Thelma, you're embarrassing me," he said.
"Oh, fiddledy-doo. We're a family. We can't be
embarrassed," she emphasized,
The simplicity and honesty with which she
talked about the most intimate details of her life
fascinated me.
"Anyway," she continued, turning back to me,
"Kari read up on it and learned that he shoulds
keep hisScrotum cool. He avoided wearing any|
thing tight, refrained from taking hot baths, an<i
tried to keep himself cool, especially before w|
were going to make a baby. We even waited longeg
between times because periods of sexual restraizf
usually increase the volume and potency d|
sperm, right, Kari?" II
"You don't have to get into the nfttygri(||
details, Thelma." ib
"Oh, sure I do. I want Crystal to understand^
was reading a magazine the other day, .A^^g
Parent or something like that, and the article
CRYSTAL
mothers and daughters especially should be hon
est and open about everything so they can build
trust.
"Where was I?" she asked. "Oh, volume and
potency of sperm. So, when that didn't work, we
went to a doctor. You know that the average male
produces anywhere from 120 million to 600 mil
lion sperm in a single ejaculation?"
"You have trouble with so many other facts and
statistics, Thelma. Hew come you don't forget
that one?" Karl asked gently,
"I don't know. It's not easy to forget, I guess,"
she said, shrugging. "Anyway, we found out that
Karl was way below that and it didn't matter what
he did. We still tried and tried, of course, and then
we finally decided to adopt. Actually, I gotthe
idea from Throbs of the Heart by Torch Summers,
and then I discussed if with Kari and he agreed it
would be a good idea.
"However, taking care of a baby is not an easy
job. You have to wake up at night, and then you're
too tired to dp anything the next day, even watch
television. So, that's how come we went looking
for an older child and found you," she concluded.
"Our baby-making problem is not that unusu
al," Karl interjected during the first quiet mo
ment. "Infertilityused to be thought mainly a
woman's problem, but the problem lies with the
man in thirty-five percent of the cases."
"Karl feels sorry, but I don't blame him,"
Thelma said in a voice a little above a whisper.
V. C. ANDREWS
**It's like what happens in Love's Second Chance
by Amanda Fairchild. Did you ever read that one?
I know you read a lot."
"No," I said. "I've never heard of it."
"Oh. Well, I think it was number one on the
romance chart for four months last year. Anyway,
April's lover has Kari's problem, only he doesn't
know it until after April gets pregnant, obviously
with someone else*s child. It's so sad at the end
when April dies in childbirth."
Thelma's eyes actually teared over. Then she
jumped in her seat and smiled. |
"Let's not think of sad things today. -TodayVaB
big day for all of us. We're going toa restaurant fo^
dinner tonight,right, Karl?" 1
"Yes. I thou^it we'd go to the Sea Shell. Do yol|
like seafood. Crystal?" he asked, ' ' 'IJ
"I haven't eaten much of it, but yes," I said. ||
"Ordinarily, we don't go out to eat. It's n<l|
practical," Thelma said. "But Karl believes thfl
Sea Shell gives you the best value for your dollar.1!
"Lobster and shrimp are expensive in resta^
rants especially, but they give you a good combj
nation plate and plenty of salad and bread. 11^|
their combination dinners. Good value," )•
pointed out. "You'll like their choice of desserflB
too. I bet you like chocolate cake." |B
"It's my favorite," I admitted. All this tallf
food was making my stomach growl; ^iB
"We have so much to learn about each othif
Thelma said. "I want to know all your favc
CRYSTAL
things, like your favorite colors, favorite movie
stars, favorite everything. I hope we have a lot of
the same favorites, but even if we don*t, it wont
matter," she assured me, nodding so firmly it
looked as if she was assuring herself just as much,
A little more than an hour later^ we drove up a
residential street and pulled into the driveway of a
small ranch-style house with light gray aluminum
siding, black aluminum window shutters^ a side
walk between two patches of lawn, hedges along
the sidewalk and in front of the house, and a red
maple tree off to the left. A large, plain aluminum
mailbox in front was labeled MORRIS and had
the address printed under it.
"Home sweet home," Thelma said as the garage
door went up.
We pulled into the garage, a garage that looked
neater than some of the rooms in the orphanage.
It had shelves on the rear wall, and everything on
them was labeled and organized. The floor of the
garage even had a carpet over it.
Karl helped with my luggage and my box of
books. I followed them through a door that led
right into the kitchen.
"Karl designed our house," Thelma explained.
"He thought it was practical to come directly
from the garage into the kitchen, so we could get
our groceries easily out of the car and into their
proper cabinets."
It was a small but very neat and clean-looking
kitchen. There was a breakfast nook on the right
V. C. ANDREWS
with a bay window that looked out on a fenced-in
backyard. There wasn't much more lawn in the
rear of the house than there was in the front.
Above the table was a cork board with notes
pinned to it and a calendar with dates circled. The
front of the refrigerator had a magnetic board
with a list of foods that had to be replaced.
"Right this way," Kari said.
We left the kitchen and walked through a small
corridor that led first to the living room and front
door. There was a short entryway with a closet for
coats just inside it. There was a den off the
entryway that had walls of bookcases, sofas, and
chairs, all facing the large television set. Just past
that was the dining room. The furniture was all
colonial.
My room wasn't much larger than my room at
the orphanage, but it had bright, flowery wallpa
per, filmy white cotton curtains, a desk with a
large cupboard above it, and a twin-size bed with
pink and white pillows and comforter. There was
a closet on the left and a smaller one on the right.
"You can use this smaller closet for storing
things other than clothes," Kari explained.
I paused at the desk and opened the cupboard
to see a computer all set up inside.
"Surprise!" Thelma cried, clapping. "We got
that just for you only two days ago. Kari priced
them and found the best deal."
"It's very updated," Kari said. "I have you
connected to the Internet also, so you can get your
CRYSTAL
research done right in your room when you start
school in a few weeks."
"Thank you," I said, overwhelmed. No one had
ever bought me anything expensive. For a mo
ment, it took my breath away, and I just ran the
tips of my fingers over the keys to check that it was
real.
"Now, don't you get like some of those other
children we hear about," Thelma warned, "and
spend all your time alone staring at the computer
screen. We want to be a family and spend tune
together at dinner and watching television."
"Me, too," I said, nodding. I was really too
excited to listen to anythingshe said. "Thank
you."
"It's our pleasure," Karl said.
"I'll help you unpack your clothes, and we^l see
what new things you'll need right away. We'll
make a list, and Karl will tell us where it's best to
go, right, Kari?" i
"Absolutely," he said.
"Oh, dear. Oh, dear, no!" Thelma said, sud
denly putting her hand to her heart.
Mine skipped a beat Had I done something
wrong already?
"What's the matter?" Karl asked her;
"Look at the time," she said, nodding at the
small clock on my computer desk. "It's a little
past three. I'm missing Hearts and Flowers, and
today Ariel learns if Todd is the father of her
child. Do you watch that one?" she asked me. I
V. C. ANDREWS
looked at Karl for help. I had no idea what she
was talking about.
"She means her soap opera. How can she follow
that one, Thelma? She would probably be coming
home from school or still be in school when that
one is on."
"Oh, I forgot that. Well, you know what I do
when I have to miss a show. I videotape it. Only,
with all the excitement, I forgot to set up the
videotape machine. Do you mind waiting a little,
dear? I'll help you unpack as soon as the show's
over."
^That's all right," I said, putting my first suitcase
on the bed and snapping it open. "There isn't
much for me to do."
"No, no, no. Crystal, sweetheart." She reached
for my hand. "You come with me. We'll watch the
show together," she said, "and then we'll take care
of your room."
I glanced at Karl, hoping he would rescue me as
Thelma pulled me toward the door.
"Thelma, remember we have to get ready precisely
at five to go to the restaurant,"; he said.
^'Okay, Karl," she said. She was really tugging
me. I practically flew out of the room.
"Welcome to our happy home," Karl called
after me.

22

2

Another World

^SP

One of the biggest fears any of us orphans has is
that when we do become part of a family, we
won't be able to adjust to their style of life. We
won't know how to behave at their dinner table,
how to behave in front of the other relatives, how
to keep our rooms and spend our time. In short,
we won't know how to please our new parents. For
us it would always be like an audition. We'd feel
their eyes following us everywhere we went, hear
their whispers, wonder what they really thought.
Were they happy they had taken us into their lives,
or were they sorry and looking for a graceful way
to give us back?
It was easy to adapt to life with my new parents,
to know what they expected, liked, and disliked.
There was nothing unpredictable about Kari. He
was the most organized person I had ever met. He
V. C. ANDREWS
rose at precisely the same time every day, weekend
or not.
"People make a mistake sleeping later on the
weekends," he told me. "It confuses their body
clock."
He also ate the same thing for breakfast every
weekday, a combination of cold cereals, mixing |
the correct formula of fibers and grains with fruit. |
On weekends, he made himself an omelet with egg
whites, or he had oatmeal and raisins. Although
he was chubby, he paid attention to nutrition and
wanted me to do the same.
What he didn't do was exercise. He admitted 1
that this was a fault, but he made little effort to|
correct it, the closest thing being his purchase ofa|
treadmill, after what he described as months and
months of comparison shopping. I commented!
that it looked brand new, and he confessed that h
still had to develop a regular schedule for its us<
"Maybe now that you're here to remind me,
he said, "I'll pay more attention to those things.
I didn't think he needed my reminders f<
anything. All of his things were organized a:
inventoried. He knew exactly how many socks
had, how many white shirts, how many pairs
pants and jackets, how many ties. He could e
tell me how much each item had cost. What i
even more impressive was he knew just how ms
times he had worn what and knew when sol
thing had to be cleaned and pressed. He servi
his clothes the way people service their ears,

24

CRYSTAL
when something had been worn, cleaned, or
washed a certain number of times, he retired it to
a bag marked "To be donated."
Kari continued his organized, regimented existence
throughout his day, always eating at the
same hour in the evening, watching his news
program, reading his newspapers and his magazines,
and going to sleep at exactly ten p.m. every
night, even on weekends, unless they had plans for
an evening out.- ^ ;- , ^'/.:' ...Y.;'.,1 ,.,";.
If Thelma indicated she -wanted to see a movie,
Kari would research the reviews and report to her
first, deciding whether or not it was a waste of
money. If there was any doubt, he would suggest
the matinee show because it was discounted and
wasn't as great a risk.
"Balance, Crystal," he explained. "That's what
makes life truly comfortable, maintaining balance.
Assets on one side, liabilities on the other.
Everything you do, everyone you meet has assets
and liabilities. Learn what they are, and you'll
know how to proceed."
He often lectured to me like that, and I listened
respectfully, even though many times I thought he
was being obsessive about it. Not everything in
life could be measured on a profit-and-loss statement,
I thought.
In a way, Thelma's life was almost as regiented
and organized as Karl's, only hers was
determined by the television scheduling of her
soap operas and other programs. If she left the
V. C. ANDSEWS
house for any reason during the day, she scheduled
her appointments and errands around what
was on TV that day. Although she could videotape
shows, she said it wasn't the same as being
there when they were actually on.
"It's like watching history being made rather
than watching it later on the news," she told me.
She had leading time reserved,.as well, and sat
on her rocker with a laee shawl around her shoul- |
ders, reading whatever had come in that month
ftom her romance novels dub. Pots could ttoi
over, phones could ring, someone might come t<
the door. It didn't matter once she was engrosser
in her story; she didn't care. She truly left on<
world for another.
Nevertheless, she was as devoted to Karl anc
his needs as any wife could be. On Sundays, Kari
would plan the week's menu, carefully selecting
bods that could be utilized in different ways so asi
to justify buying.them in larger quantities or make
use of leftovers. Thelma would then develop thaj
menu, following it to a T. If something wasn't jus|
the way Karl had planned it, she treated it like i
major crisis. One1 morning, I had to go with hert^
another supermarket nearly twenty miles awa|
because the one she shopped at didn't have th|
brand of canned peaches Karl wanted. i|
Whereas Kari was a quiet, careful driver, The|
ma talked so much from the moment she si
behind the wheel that my ears were ringing. Hi
attention was often distracted, and twice;

26
CRYSTAL
jumped so high I nearly bumped my head on the
roof when she crossed lanes abruptly and drivers
honked their horns.
A week after I arrived, we took a ride to visit
Kari's father. He lived alone in a small Cape
Cod-style house, the same house he had lived in
for nearly forty years. It was in a very quiet, old
residential neighborhood of single-family homes,
most as old as Kari's father's.
Kari's father was taller and considerably thin
ner than his son, with a face, that remmded jne of
Abraham Lincoln, long and chiseled. From the
pictures I saw on the table in the living room, I
concluded Kari took after his mother more. His
brothers, on the other hand, resembled their fa
ther, both being taller and leaner than Kari.
Papa Morris, as he was introduced to me, was a
feisty old man who had worked for the city Water
department. He was content to live on his pension
and social security, socialize with his retired
friends, play cards, visit the local bar, and read his
newspapers. Kari had arranged for a woman to
come and clean twice a week, but Kari's father
wouldn't permit anyone to cook for him.
"When I can't take care of myself, I'll know it,"
he muttered after Kari had made the suggestion
again.
However, the kitchen wasn't very clean. Pot&
were caked with beans and rice, and some dishes
were piled up, waiting for the cleaning lady.
Thelma went right to work when we arrived. I
V. C. ANDREWS
helped her, and we got the kitchen into some
order while Kari and his father talked. Then we all
sat in the living room and had fresh lemonade.
Papa Morris stared at me with interest while
Thelma described what a wonderful beginning we
had all had together since I had come to live with
her and Kari. Papa Morris's large, glassy brown
eyes narrowed with suspicion.
"You like livin' with these two?" he asked me
.'skeptically.'"'"''7' ' '" '--'-- ...-^ ,
"Yes, sir," I answered^ilckly. "'''
"Yes, sir?" he muttered, and^looked at Kari,
who sat with his hands in his lap.
"She's a very polite young lady," Thelma said^
"A lot like Whelma Matthews on Days in th^
Sun, "she added, looking at me proudly. IS
"You don't have to call me sir. Missy. No one'|
ever called me sir. I don't wear no airs. I'm just;
pensioner."
"She's very smart, psl All A's in school," 1
ma continued.
"That's good." He nodded at me, his
softening some, "My Lily always wanted gr
children, but none of my boys gave her
Grandchildren are sort of a return on your iove
ment," he muttered.
"Speaking of investments," he continued, t
ing to Kari, "what's been happening with
mutual fund you had me put my CD into,
"You're up twenty-two percent, Dad."

28

CRYSTAL
"Good. Smart boy, Karl," he said, and reached
into his top pocket for some chewing tobacco.
"You should give that up. Dad. It's been known
to cause mouth cancer," Karl said. "I Was just
reading an article about that yesterday."
"I've been doing it for fifty years. No point in
stopping something I enjoy now, right, Thelma?"
She looked at Kari apprehensively. "Well, I..."
"Of course you should, and of course there's a
point to stopping. Dad. Why cause yourself un
necessary sunering?" Kari insisted.
"I'm not suffering. I'm enjoying. I don't know
who's a worse nag, you or that woman you send
around here. All she does is complain about the
work I make for her. How much you paying her?"
"Ten dollars an hour," Karisaid.
"Ten dollars! You know," he said, looking at
me, "once that was enough to feed the family for a
week."
"There have been many reasons for inflation
since then," Isaid.
"That so? You an economic genius like Karl?"
he asked me.
"No, sir. I just read a little."
"Oh, she reads a lot, Pa-She reads more than I
do," Thelma said.
"Lily liked to read," he said, and thought a
moment. Then he slapped his hand down hard on
the arm of his chair- Thelma and I jumped in our
seats.
V. C. ANDREWS
"Well now, you bring this polite young lady
around more often,'^ he said, rising.
"We can stay a little longer. Pa," Thelma said.
"Well, I can't," he said. "I've got to meet
Charlie, Richard, and Marty at Gordon's for our
regular game of pinochle," he told her sternly.
Thelma looked to Kari.
"Well, we just came by to introduce you to
Crystal and see how you were doing. Dad," Kari
said, standing.
"I'm doing as good as I can with what I got," he
said^looking toward me.
WeaHsrose.
."Pleasedto have met you," he said to me. He
held out his hand, and I shook if. He had long,
rough fingers with fingernails that were yellow and
thick and two years past when they should have
been trimmed.
On the way home, I thought about him and
about what I'd always imagined my grandparents
to be like. Never in any of my dreams did I
imagine myself shaking hands with them. I
thought they would be full of hugs and kisses,
gloating over me and bragging about me just the
way they did in movies and books. Maybe Thelma's
mother and father would be more like that, I
hoped.
And they were.
Thelma's mother was a small woman like her,
actually smaller, birdlike and very thin with
wrists that looked as if they might crack if she
CRYSTAL
lifted a full cup of coffee, but she had a big smile
and the loveliest blue-green eyes. She kept her hair
its natural gray and styled neatly. Thelma's father
was tall and lean but much wanner than Karl's
father. They insisted I call them Grandpa and
Grandma immediately, and Grandma hugged
and kissed me as soon as we were all introduced.
"I'm so happy there'll be someone young in this
house. Now it will be a real home. You make sure
you spoil this child, Karl Morris," she warned,
shaking her right forefinger in his face. "None of
that thinking like an accountant when it comes to
her. Thafs what parents are supposed to do, and
if you dont, we will," she added with a mock
threat.
Before they left that day; they even gave me
twenty dollars. Grandma said, "Buy whatever
Karl doesn't want you to have, whatever he thinks
is a waste of money." She laughed and kissed me
again. I liked her a lot and looked forward to the
next time I would see her.
Of all that had happened since I had come to
live with Karl and Thelma, this was the best, I
thought. My grandparents had finally made me
feel part of a real family. Life with Karl and
Thelma had started on such a formal and organ
ized note, I had yet to think of them as parents.
Karl was more like an adviser, and Thelma was so
wrapped up in her books and programs thatIfelt
more like a guest she had invited to share her
fantasies.
V. C. ANDREWS

I was looking forward to the start of school,
making new friends, and being challenged by new
subjects and teachers. Thelma took me to registration.
Because of my record, I was put in an
advanced class, and she bragged about it all
throughout dinner that night As always, however,
she found a fictional character with whom to
compare me.
"Brenda's daughter in Thunder in My Heart is
just like you. Crystal. She's such a whiz kid, too.;
Maybe she'll be president someday." j
"How can Brenda's daughter be president!
someday, Thelma?" Kariasked her. "She's in :a|
book you've read^ right?" |
"Oh, but there's a sequel coming, Karl. There's!
always a sequel," she said, smiling.
"I see," he said, nodding and looking at me.
"Crystal's smarter, though," Thelma said. "Yo
should hear some of the things she says, Karl. S
can figure out what's going to happen on my soa
before it happens."
"They're pretty predictable," I commented.
"What's that mean?" Thelma asked, batting!
eyelashes. ..
"It means they're not hard to figure out,"
said. "They're simple."
"Oh." She laughed aer thin laugh. "T
hard for me," she said.
Kari gazed at me, and we talked about
thing else. I: felt bad; about it and
apologized.
CRYSTAL
"I didn't mean to make fim of your programs,
Thelma," Isaid.
"Oh, did you make fun of them? I didn't think
you did. How could you make fan of them?
They're so full of excitement and romance. Don't
you like that?"
"I like good stories, yes," Isaid.
"There, then. 1 knew you would. Don't forget,
tomorrow well learn about November's ex-
husband. Do you think he still loves her?"
"I don't remember him," I admitted. She
looked at me as if I had said the silliest thing.
"You can't forget Edmond. He's soooo hand
some. If he came to my front door, Pd swoon,"
she told me, following with her little, thin laugh.
I wondered if everyone who watched soap oper
as was as committed to them and as involved with
them as Thelma was. A few days later, one of her
favorite characters died on Days in the Sun. I
came in on the show just as it happened, and she
began to sob so hard, I got frightened. She started
to shout at the television set.
"He can't be dead. He can't be. How can he
die? Please don't let him die. Oh, Crystal, he's
dead! Grant's dead! How can he be dead?**
"People die in real life. Mom," I; said, "so they
have to have some die in the shows, don't they?"
"No," she insisted, her face filled with more
anger than I had seen up until now. "It's not fair.
They got us to love him, and now they've killed
him. It's not fair!" she cried.
V. C. ANDREWS
She went into a deep depression afterward, and
nothing I could say or do changed it. She was still
that way when Karl came home and we all sat
down to dinner. He asked why she was so sad, and
she told him and then burst into tears again. He
looked at me, and I looked down at my plate. My j
heart was thumping. I didn't know what to say.
"You're frightening your daughter," Karl re-J
marked. .. j
She looked at me and swallowed back her sobs.|
"On. I didn't mean to frighten you. Crystal. It's
justso sad." i
"It's only a show. Mom," I said. "Tomorrow,!
something new will happen, and you'll fee'
better." ^
"Yes, yes, I will. That's right. See Karl, see how
^smart she is?"
"that I do," Karl said.
We finished our meal, but afterward, I foil
Thelma in her rocker just staring at the floor.
"I'm going upstairs to read and sleep now,"
said.
"What? Oh, yes, good night, dear. Try to thh
good thoughts. Poor Grant," she said. "It ma
me think of how it was when Karl's mother die
I stared at her. How could the death of a i
person be the same as the death of a soap op
character?
"He's an actor. Mom. He'll be back on anot
show," I said softly.
"Who is?"
CRYSTAL

"Grant."
"No, silly," she said. "Grant's not an actor.
Grant was a person who died. I don't think of
them as actors," she admitted. She started rocking
again and stared at the floor. "Everyone will
be so sad tomorrow on the show, so sad."
"Maybe you shouldn't watch it, then," I suggested.
She looked up at me as if what I had said
was blasphemous.
"I've got to watch it. Crystal. I care about them
all. They're my friends," she said. She made it
seem as if they knew she was watching and they
depended on her.
She looked at the floor again instead of kissing
me good night as she had done from the first day I
had arrived. I hurried upstairs to sleep. I didn't
know exactly why, but for the first time since I
had come to live there, I felt a little trepidation. I
lay there wondering why. I guess I was afraid that
my new mother would always care more about her
characters than she would about me.
I had found a home full of family pictures, talk
about relatives, promises for upcoming holidays
and trips. I had grandparents, and I would soon
be in a new school. I had my own room, arid I had
begun a whole new life.
But what if I woke up in the morning and found
that someone had turned a dial and I was back in
the orphanage?
Two days before school began, I was sittii
outside and reading- Thehna wanted me to watch
Emergency Care with her. It was a new lati
morning series about an ER at a big-city hospita
She tried to get n»c to watch it with her by tellu|
me I would learn ^ I01 of medical infonnatiol
"And you do flaivk you want to be a dc
someday. Crystal,^ she emphasized. "So y
learn a lot."
"ni learn more <^om reading," I told her. I.
it made her unhapS>y' but l felt as if I was o<
dosed on soap opcsa'as and television in ge
At the orphanage, irfI watched two shows a
that was a lot. I ki*^ most OI the other kic.
age thought I was '"weird because I'd rather
a book or work «yn the computer than
36
CRYSTAL
their favorite nighttime shows/but that's how I
was.
It was also a beautiful day, and I couldn't see
myself wasting it closed up in the living room with
the glow of a television screen on my eyes. This
was actually my favorite time of the year. Summer
was fading fast, and the air had the feel of the
soon-to-be crisp autumn days. It smelled fresher,
looked clearer. Without the humidity and high
temperatures, I felt more energetic. I was even
restless sitting and reading.
"Hi," I heard someone say, and looked up to
see a giri about my age With long, sunflower-
yellow hair standing at our front gate. She wore a
pair of baggy shorts and a T-shirt with half moons
all over it. A pair of long silver earrings with tiny
blue and green stones dangled from her ears. "I
live over there," she said, pointing to a house
across the street.
"Hi," I said, and tried to remember if I'd seen
her around the neighborhood.
"You just moved in with Karl and Thelma,
right? I heard about it," she said before I could
respond. She tossed some strands other hair back
over her shoulder as if she were tossing away a
candy wrapper. "My name's Helga. I think we're
going to be in the same class. You're going into
tenth?"
"Yes. I'm Crystal," I said.
"Helga and Crystal. They'll think we're sisters."
V. C. ANDREWS
She giggled. She put all her weight on her right lej From where I was sitting, it looked as if she wa
leaning against an imaginary wall. "What are yoi
reading?"
"Lord of the Flies. It's on our English reading
list this year," I said.
"How do you know that?"
"I asked when I registered, and they gave m
the list," I told her.
She grimaced, bounced her weight to her left le|
and then back to her right, which I would discoyiei
later was something she habitually did when sh|
was confused or annoyed, j
"You're doing schoolwork already?" s^|
whined. I
"Why not?" I shrugged. "I like being ahead^
"You must be a good student," she said, ling«|
ing at the gate. She sounded disappointed. |
"Aren't you?" I asked. H
She shrugged. |1
"I get C's and sometimes B's. As long as I doj
get D's and F"s, my parents don't bug me. Did jm
live with some other family last year?" she |b
lowed quickly. ^
"No,"! said. IB
She stared at me as if she was building ^B
courage to ask another question. IB
"I lived in an orphanage," I explained. /^f
"Oh. Did you have any brothers or sistersf
had to leave behind or who got adopted into dU
families?"
CRYSTAL
"No," I said, "but I've seen that happen, and
it's not pleasant."
She smiled. "I hope you don't mind toe being
nosy. My mother says1 it's a family character trait.
As soon as we hear or see something that's not
really our business, we perk up and stick our ears
out. She says our family was the inspiration for
the first spies."
I laughed. "You
want to go for a walk? I'll show you the
neighborhood," She said.
"Okay," I said, standing. I paused for a moment
and looked back at the front door.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I'm just wondering if I should tell my
mother."
"Your mother? Oh, they make you check in and
out?"
"No."
"So? We're just going down the street."
I nodded. Since I didn't expect to be away long,
I decided not to interrupt her soap opera.
It wasn't until I walked up to Helga that I
realized she was at least three inches taller than I
was. She had patches of tiny freckles over the
crests of her cheeks, and it looked as if someone
had dotted them with a ballpoint pen in light
brown ink.
"Those are pretty thick glasses you're wearing,"
^nesaid.
"I have a stigmatism."
V. C. ANDREWS

"Bummer," she said. "You oughtta gowith m to the mall one day and get nicer frames. .Mayb
prescription sunglasses, too. You'll look better."
"I don't wear them for looks. I wear them t'
help me see and read," I said.
She laughed. "Sure. Until someone like Ton
MacNamara looks your way. He's so cool, but he'
a senior this year and probably won't even look a
us. He also happens to be captain of the footbal
team." |
"I probably wouldn't be interested in him an^
way," I said, and she stopped walking.
"Sure you wouldn't." She bounced her weig
from one leg to the other. "Did you have
boyfriend at the orphanage?"
"No. I have never really had a boyfriend,")
admitted.
She stared a moment and then started walkil
again.
"Me, neither,"she confessed. "Oh, I pretends
to like Jack Martin one year just so it looked lib
had a boyfriend, but I never even kissed him, a?
when he went to kiss me, I turned my head sol
kissed my cheek like an uncle or someone. You <
this big house?" she said, pausing. "Clara &
mour lives here. She's a senior this year and -M
probably be senior prom queen. Her father'l
heart doctor, a cardio-something."
"Cardiologist," I said.
"Yes, I think that's it." She tilted her head
squinted at me. "You are smart.''

40

C&YSTAL
"I'm thinking of becoming a doctor myself
someday."
"A doctor!" she said. "It costs a lot, I heard."
"I hope to win scholarships, loo," I added.
"I'll be glad just to get my diploma; I haven't
the slightest idea what I'll do. I was thinking I
might become an actress, but I didn't even make
the junior play."
"What do you like to do?"
"Party," she said, laughing, "and watch television.
Ohi" She stopped and took my arm. "Watch
out for the dog at this house," she said, nodding at
a small A-frame. "Old Lady Potter lives there, and
she has a mean rottweiler for protection. Last
year, he bit a UPS delivery driver and there was a
big commotion with the police and everything."
"I'll definitely stay out of that yard." I laughed.
"Thanks for the advice."
"If you turn right at the corner and go two
blocks, you reach the Quick Shop where you can
get magazines, gum, and stuff. We're not far from
the school, only about two miles, You going to
take the bus?"
"I guess so," I said. "I don't think Karl wants to
drive me every day, especially since there is a
bus."
"You call him Kari?" she asked quickly.
"Right now I do," I said, looking away.
"But Thehna you call Mom?"
"She wanted it thatway from the start," I said.
"You know what? You're right."
V. C. ANDREWS

"What?"
"You are nosy."
She laughed. "Come on, I'll introduce you to
Bemie Felder. I have a feeling you two will get
along real well. Bemie's a genius, too."
"I'm not a genius," I corrected.
"Whatever." She sped up, and we walked to
another ranch-style house with a brick facade. It
looked like an expensive house. The landscaping
was more elaborate than most, and the house was
almost twice the size ofKari and Thelma*s.
"What do Bemie's parents do?" I asked.
"His father owns a big tire store that services
trucks," She said. "Bemie's an only child, like
you." ' 1 -' . 11 ; ' ' ' I
"What about you?"
"I have a younger brother I ignore," she said.
"My parents named him William, but they call
him Buster."
"Buster?" ; ' :: ;' ''-"'.,"'." ' .''^.^
"When you see him, you'll see why. He looks'
like a Buster, and he's always busting things," she|
added. "Come on." She headed for the front door|
"Maybe we should jail first," I said, but she|
pushed the door buzzer. ^
"I'd rather be unexpected," she said. "It's morq
fun." ^'^ .^V,':'-, ; 1;.. - '' .'-. ,' I
A maid answered the door, and Heiga asked foi
Bemie. A few moments later, a boy about m?
height with straggly red hair and light green

42

CRYSTAL
appeared. He wore a T-shirt that looked two sizes
too big and a pair of jeans with sneakers and no
socks. His face was pale with full red lips and a
cleft chin.
"Hi, Beraie," Helga said.
He grimaced. "What do you want?" he demanded.

"That's not a very nice way to say hello," she
remarked. I
"I was in the middle of something," he said
apologetically.v" - '' -
"You're not making bombs, are you? My mother
always thinks Bemie's making bombs," she
told me.
When she turned to me, Bemie finally looked
my way, and his face filled with interest. "Who's
this?"
"Our new neighbor, Bemie. If you hadn't
jumped down my throat, I would have been able
to introduce you."
"I'm sorry," he said, turning to me. "Hello."
"Hello, Tm sorry we interrupted you, but..."
"It's all right." He looked embarrassed.
"Of course it's all right. What could Bemie be
doing that can't be interrupted?" Helga asked.
"Whatever it is, it's important to him," I remarked
dryly. She smirked, but Bemie's face
softened.
"You just moved here?" he asked.
"If you didn't have your nose in a test tube all

43
V. C. ANDREWS
the time, you would have known about her
Helga said. "Her name is Crystal, and the Me
rises adopted her."
"Oh?" he said, his lips forming a little circle
he gazed at me with even more interest.
"She was an orphan," Helga added. Sl
stepped back to look at me. They both stared
moment, neither speaking.
"That's orphan, not alien," I said, and Berg
.'smiled. ,^/ . . ' :., - :; : .,. : ,:
"She reads a lot, and she's very smart," Helj
continued. "Maybe even smarter than you, B<
me. That's why I thought you two should meel|
"Really?" he said, his interest in me grow|
even more. ?J
"This was her idea. I'm sorry we bpthe
you." I started to turn away.
"Hey. That's okay," he called. "Come on m
"Bemie's inviting us in," Helga said, raising
eyebrows. "You going to show us your laboraK
Benue?" „
"I don't have a laboratory," he snapped at|
She laughed. He turned to me. "Helga an<|
friends are always making stuff up about ms&
"No, we don't, Bemie," she said. "Anywif
we do, you should be honored we talk about yf
"Some honor," Bemie said. He stepped J
and Helga gestured emphatically for me to fb|l
her into the house. I did. I 'H
Right away, I saw that Bemie's parents hadf
of money. There were paintings all over the
CRYSTAL
and the rooms were very big and full of expensive-
looking furnishings. In the hallway to his room
was a glass case filled with figurines. The floors
were all covered with carpet sosoft I felt as if I
were walking on marshmallows.
Bemie's room was twice, maybe three times as
big as mine. He had a large desk, a computer, and
all sorts of hardware. I recognized a scanner and
two printers. He even had his own fax machine.
One wall was covered with Charts that included
the anatomy of the human body, a breakdown of
the planets and some galaxies, an evolution time
line, and a historical summary of American presi
dents and vice presidents with a listing of major
events during their terms.
On the right were shelves that held a micro
scope, slides, scales, arid even a Bunsen burner. I
saw chemistry sets and shelves and shelves of
reference books. What didn*t he have? I won
dered.
"You see?" Helga said: "He has a laboratory in
lisroom."
^ "It's not a laboratory. lhave a few things to
| develop my interests," he said defensively. "I
l^ant to get into genetic research someday."
^ "I don't even know what that means," Helga
|said. ' ' , ' . .
1^ He frowned and shook his head. "You know
|what this is?" he asked me, pointing to what
peoked like a Tinker Toy.
'Yes," I said. "It's a model of DNA."
V. C. ANDREWS
"Right t"^ he said, his face becoming more ani
mated thaa it had been since we met.
"What^s DNA?" Helga asked.
"It has todo with genetics," Bernie sai<
quickly. "You want to look at this? I put thi
together myself," he told me, and I drew closer.
"Don't you have a CD player or something ii
here?" Helga asked.
"No," he said quickly. J
"Well, how do you listen to music?" she 6
manded.
"I listen on my computer when I want to listi
fo music," he said, and turned his back on her
"This is like being back in school," she col
plained. "Not one movie poster, not one rock st
poster, just all this .,. this educational Stuff "|
"It's very good," I said, nodding at his mpdj
He beamed with pride. |
"Come on. Crystal," Helga said. "I'll show^
the rest of the neighborhood. Maybe Fern 3^
body is home. She's going steady with GJ
Lakewood, and she always has good storiesj
tell." ; . , , . , /. ., , . ^
"I've got some interesting slides," Bernie 8|j
ignoring her. "I just got them yesterday. Th|jj
from human embryos." i||
"Really?" I said. H
"Ugh," Helga said. "Do they smell?" H
"Of course not," Bernie snapped. "You
pay more attention in science class."

46

CRYSTAL
"Boring," she sang. "I'm going," she threat|
ened.
Bemie held his hand on his microscope and
looked at me.
"I'm staying," I said. I knew I should probably
go with her to meet more of the neighborhood
kids, but Bemie's projects really intrigued me.
"I knew it," Helga said. "Peas in a pod. I'll talk
to you later," she threw back at me as she left
Bernie's room.
He smiled. Then he brought his microscope to
the desk and hurriedly set things up. "Sit right
there," he said, pointing to his chair.
He slipped in the slides and began to talk about
them as I gazed through the microscope. It really
was like being at a class lecture, but I didn't mind.
Some of it I knew, but most of it I didn't. He was
so excited about having an audience, he went on
I and on and then brought out some other slides. I
got so involved I didn't realize the time until I
glanced at the clock by his bed.
, "Oh, no," I said. "I'd better get home. I didn't
tell my mother I was leaving. I didn't think I'd be
I |away this long, and it's ten minutes past dinner."
| * "Right," he said with disappointment. He
| looked at the dock. "I dont eat dinner at any set
j time. I eat when I'm hungry." ,
^ "What about your parents?"
"They usually go out or eat at different times,'
^tesaid.
V. C. ANDREWS

"You never eat together?"
"Sometimes," he said as he put away his slid
"Thanks for showing me everything," I to
him as I walked to the door.
"Sure," he said.
He followed me out and down the hall.
"Maybe I'll see you again," I said, turning ba
to him just before leaving.
"Okay," he said. "Any time you want."
"Thank you," I said, and started away.
"Oh," he began.
I paused. "Yes?"
"I forgot. What's your name again?"
"It's Crystal," I said.
"I'm Bemie," he said.
I wanted to say, "I know, I remember yo
name. How could I not remember your name
But he closed the door before I could add a woi
I hurried down the sidewalk. When I reach)
the house, I saw that my book was missing fro
the arm of the chair. It put a small panic in n
because I realized Thelma had come looking f
me. I quickened my steps and practically ran in
the house.
"There," Kari said, hearing the door close ai
stepping out of the living room. "She's back, ai
she's all right" "
I looked in and saw Thelma, her eyes bloodsh<
her face pale. She was clutching her skirt ai
twisting the material anxiously. I
"Oh, Crystal I was sure something terrible hi
CRYSTAL
happened to you. When I walked out there to call
you in for dinner and all I found was your
book..."
"I'm sorry," I said both to Karl and to her. "A
girl came by to introduce herself, and then we went
for a walk and it took longer than I thought it
would. We stopped to visit Bernie Felder and..."
"When I saw that book and the empty chair,"
Thelma continued, not listening to my explana
tion, "all I could think of was Heart Shell by
Amanda Glass, That's the story about the little
girl who was kidnapped and brought up by anoth
er family. There's a scene just like this. They find
her children's book on the grass by her little chair.
It's not until she's a young woman that she returns
to her real parents."
I just stared.
"Well, she wasn't kidnapped," Karl said
calmly, "so put all that horror out of your mind,
Thelma."
He turned to me. "Next time. Crystal, please let
us know where you are going," he chastised
firmly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't think I'd be that long. I got
too involved with Bemie Felder's slides. I never
saw so much stuff in someone's house and ..."
"It's all right. Dinner is a little late, but it's all
right. Let's forget about it, Thelma, okay?" He
looked at his watch. "There's no sense in wasting
any more time over it."
"Right," she said, taking a deep breath. "It's all
V. C. ANDREWS
right." She smiled. "I'm just happy you're bad
she said, as if I had been away for ages. "Tha
what the mother said in Heart Shell. I'm ji
happy you're back."
She hugged me as if she was afraid that if s
ever let go, I'd disappear, I felt veryconfused
was happy that someone cared so much about n
that someone could be sad and distraught ji
with the fear of my being gone, and yet I had
wonder. When Thelma looked at me, whom i
she really see?
Me or the giri in Heart Shell?
4
Casting Call

^sp

Thelma felt better at dinner after she started to
tell me about her soap opera. Because 1 was still
feeling guilty for what I had done, I pretended to
be interested in the story and the characters.
However, it seemed silly to me that people fell in
and out of such passionate love affairs so easily,
that people betrayed each other despite how long
they had known and trusted each other, and that
children could despise their parents so much. For
Thelma, however, what happened on the soaps
was gospel It was as if some biblical prophet
wrote the scripts.
To some extent, I couldn't blame her. Most of
the leading men seemed godlike, perfect The
women were glamorous even when they woke in
the morning. When I innocently asked if we were
to believe they went to sleep wearing makeup,
V. C. AWDAEWS
Thelma said when someone is that beautiful, she
always looks as if she's wearing makeup.
"I never met anyone that beautiful," I remarked,
and she laughed in such a way it made
me feel as though I were the uninformed one.
"That's why they're my special people," she
said. "See why I like to watch my soaps?"
I suppose it was all right to watch them, I
thought, as long as we remembered that life
wasn't really like a soap opera. Our lives weren't
filled with dramatic events, and people rarely felt
as passionate about anything as they constantly
did on that small screen.
"What happened between Nevada and Johnny
Lee touched my heart," she exclaimed toward the
end of dinner. She smiled, and tears filled the
deep furrows around her eyes. Then she looked at
Kari and reached for his hand.
Kail glanced at me when she put her hand over
his. He looked uncomfortable, but he didn't stop
her or pull away, and I wondered what sort of love
life my new parents shared. In all of the pictures
of them that were in the house, they looked so
formal, Kari always standing stiffly, Thelma always
looking as if she was afraid she would make
a terrible social mistake:
Later in the evening, I discovered just what sort
of a romantic life they had. I had gone up to bed
before them as usual. When I left them in the
living room, Kari was reading Business Weekly

S2

CRYSTAL
and Thelma was watching a videotape she had
made of a recent soap she had to miss so shecould
keep a dentist appointment. I finished reading my
book and felt a little tired. Once again, I apolo
gized to Thelma for giving her a scare earlier, and
I promised I would never do anything like that
again.
"You're so sweet to say that, dear. Kari and I
knew from the moment we set eyes on you that
you were a responsible young lady and things like
this wouldn't happen often, if at all All is forgiv
en," she said with an unexpected, theatrical air,
her voice rising, her arms sweeping the air in an
over-the-top dramatic gesture. Even Kari lowered
his magazine and gazed at her with concern for a
moment,
She held her arms out for me, and I went to her
so she could embrace me, rocking back and forth
as she spoke in a chantlifce voice. "We must be
good to each other, kind and considerate and lov
ing. You have suffered so much, my littte dar
ling, and my life has been so empty without you.
The love we all have for each other is almost
holy. Always, forever and ever, always fit us into
the corners of your life. Do you promise. Crystal?
Do you?"
"Yes," I said, not sure what it was I was
promising to do.
She sighed deeply but still held on to me.
"Thelma," Kari said gently, "the child is tired
and wants to go to bed."
V. C. ANDREWS
"Yes, to bed," she said. "Good night, dear.
Good night, good night, good night," she sang in
my ear, and kissed me on the top of my head.
"Good night," I told them, and went upstairs.
Could it be, I wondered, that someone really
did need me more than I needed her? No one had
ever held me like that, much less held me that
long, and although female staff members at the
orphanages had kissed me occasionally, those
kisses were quick smacks of their lips, almost like
Uttfe pats on my cheeks and forehead. I felt
nothing, no love, no deep concern. No, I thought,
despite all her faults, Thelma did make me feel
wanted, and what was more important than that?
I had just closed my eyes and tucked the blanket
under my chin when I heard soft footsteps in the
hallway. Then, in a voice I almost didn't recognize,
I heard Thelma calling. It was confusing. I
had to sit up to listen harder.
*'Johnny Lee," I heard. "Please, please forgive
me. Please, don't hate me."
At first, I thought she was simply repeating lines
she loved from the show she had seen, but then I
heard Kari say, "I don't hate you. I could neve^
hate you, Nevada."
"I want to give myself to you," she said. "11
to give myself to you like I have never given m
to anyone, Johnny Lee."
"I know. I want you, too," Kari said.
There was a silence and then the soft sound o|
footsteps. I went to the door and opened it a crad|

54

C&YSTAL
to peek out. There they were in the hallway,
kissing fully on fhelips. I was mesmerized. Kari
put his left hand under Thefana's Mouse.
"No," she said, pulling back.
"Why not?" he asked, raising his voice.
"It doesn't happen like that. Nothing like that
happens until she cries," Thehna said.
He pulled his hand out from under her blouse
and held her hips.
"Okay, okay," he said. "I forgot."
"You're ruining it," she accused.
"I said I forgot."
"Start over," she commanded.
"What? Why?"
"You've got to start over," she insisted.
"That's silly, Thehna,"
"Don't call me Thelma!" she exclaimed.
"You're ruining it!"
"All right, all right. I'm sorry. I'll startover."
He turned from her, and I closed the door softly
so neither of them would see me spying. My heart
was pounding so hard, however, I was afraid they
would hear the thumping in my chest. I listened.
Kari went down the hallway and closed a door.
Then he opened it.
"Nevada," he called.
I opened my door again. Thelma was standing
with her back tome now. She turnedslowly, her
face so different. She really looked as if she was on
some sort of stage.
"Johnny Lee," she said, arid wiped her cheeks. I
V. C. ANDREWS

could see she was crying real tears. "Please, please
forgive me. Please, don't hate me."
"I don't bate you. I could never hate you,
Nevada."
"I want to give myself to you,'* she repeated. "I
want to give myself to you like I have never given
myself to anyone, Johnny Lee."
"I know. I want you, too," Kari repeated his
lines just as he'd said them before.
He stepped up to her, and they embraced but
did not kiss. This time, he kept his hands on her
hips. She started to cry, her whole body shaking.
He embraced her and held her against his chest,
kissing her hair, her cheeks, and then holding her
head up Softly So he could kiss her lips.
Then his hand returned to the bottom of her
blouse and moved up over her breast again. She
moaned.
"Will it be different tonight, Johnny Lee? Will it
be going to the moon and back?"
"Just like I promised," Kari sai4. He lowered
his right arm around her waist, and they turned
toward their bedroom. Thelma laid her head onj
his shoulder as they walked toward their room. I
watched until they disappeared inside, the door
closing softly behind them.
I didn't want to eavesdrop on them, but curiosity
was like a magnet drawing me toward the waMI
between our two bedrooms. I put the tapsofrnyl
fingers against it. Their voices were muffled, as|

56 I
CRYSTAL
were Thelma's sobs. I brought my ear to the wall
and closed my eyes.
"Oh, Johnny Lee," she said. "Touch me every
where this time. Do what you promised you
would do. Make my body sing."
"I will."
They were quiet, but I heard the distinct sound
of the bedsprings. Her moans grew louder, longer.
There was a combination of moans arid cries that
made me even more curious. Wats lovemaking
painful as welfas pleasureful? Why wasn't he
crying out, too?
Finally, after a long, loud cry, everything grew
silent. I listened for a while longer and then
retreated to my own bed. Was that (he way it was
supposed to be? I knew every scientific detail. I
could describe the hormones, the movement of
blood, even the nerve impulses, but the emotions
were so confusing. Sex was one thing, but sex with
love was supposed to be another.
Suddenly, I heard a door open and some more
whispering. I got out of bed and went to my own
door again.
"Good night» good night, parting is such sweet
sorrow.." ,;..» •. - - ;• •; :" '.. 1. ,• .
They both laughed.
Kari was in the hallway looking back at their
bedroom. He blew a kiss. He was fully dressed.
"I wish you could stay," Thelma said.
"SodoL"
V. C. ANDREWS

"Someday."
"Someday," he said, and turned. I stepped ba<
as he walked past my bedroom. I heard Them
close her door.
I wish you could stay? Where was he gpinj
What did this mean?
For a long moment, it was very quiet. Th<
Kari's footsteps echoed down the hallway asifl
was deliberately trying to be loud. I opened if
door again and watched him walk past to the
bedroom. When he opened the door, I heard bii
say, "You still up, Thelma?"
"I couldn't sleep," she replied, "so I decided 1
read a little, but I'm tired now."
"Good. It's bedtime," lie said, and entered tt
bedroom, closingthe door.
I put my ear to the wall and listened. I heai
water running in their bathroom sink and a toil
flush. Neither ofthemspbke for the longest tim
and then I heard Karl say, "Good night, Thelma
"Good night, Kari."
All was quiet. I returned to my bed, but I didn
fall asleep for quite a whfle. How couldadtritsl
like children, playing games and pretending
What would love be like for me if it ever haj
pened to me? What sort of a man would find ri
attractive, or would no man find me attractive an
I would be forced to imagine a life, too?
Howl wished I had a big sister or a close frieni
someone in whom I would be unafraid to confid
someone I could trust with my deepest hidde

58

CRYSTAL
secrets. That was what was truly wonderful about
family, I thought. When you had one, you didn't
have to keep all of your troubled feelings and fears
simmering under a pot. You could go to them and
be unafraid to lift the lid. You could help each
other and keep each other from being afraid.
Wasn't that the most important thing?

Of course, the next morning, I said nothing
about what I had seen and heard Thelma and Kari
do the night before. I felt guilty for spying on
them anyway. Kari had made plans to return
home from work early so he, Thelma, and I could
go shopping for things I would need at the start of
school the next day. At first, he was just going to
tell Thelma where the best places were and have
us go ourselves, but she complained that this was
a family thing and he should be a part of it. He
thought about it and agreed.
"You have to forgive me," he told me. "I'm not
used to thinking like a parent. Of course I'll be
here. Of course I want to be part of everything
important."
I know he tried to relax and make it seem like
fun, but it just wasn't in his nature to treat
purchasing as anything less than a serious project.
Thelma had made a list of clothing, and I had
made a list of school supplies. Kari took our lists
and researched everything. He knew exactly
where the best prices were for every item. Colors,
fashions, and styles played the least role. Our

59

V. C. ANDREWS
shopping was planned efficiently, down to where
we would eat dinner and even what was the best
food value.
"A family," Karl explained as we ate, "is really
a small enterprise, a business venture, a partner
ship. The more that's planned, the better it will
be."
"Karl even planned our wedding and honey
moon so as to take advantage of some goodj
specials, didn't you, Karl?" Thelma said proud
"Yes. It was off-season, after Labor Day, t
best time to find good values."
"But was it someplace you wanted to go?"
asked. ;
"If it's a good value for the dollar, it's where
want to be," Kart replied. "People pay more fd
the things they want and need because they dori
do the necessary research and planning." (
"Karl has even bought our final resting plad
and has our funerals arranged, don't you, Karl
Thelma said. "He did it shortly after we g
married."
"That soon?" I asked innocently. (
"Having family members make final arranj
ments is one of the biggest rip-ofis. You need5
make your arrangements when you're alive. Doi
be afraid to think ahead. Crystal. Never let at
one intimidate you into thinking you're being I
practical. You can never be too practical,"^
instructed. I
Thelma's parents had asked us to stop o}
CRYSTAL
their house when we were finished shopping for
my school things. They said they had something
they wanted to give me. As we drove there, Kari
reminded Thelma of the time and how long he
wanted us to stay.
My new grandparents had a small but cozy
ranch-style home. Thelma said that Kari had
found it for them shortly after her father retired.
"It fit their new budget perfectly," he said with
pride. "That's another thing you can't think about
too soon: your retirement. Most people don't put
away enough and suffer because of it."
"But not us," Thelma chimed.
"No, not us," Kari agreed with a smile.
What my grandparents had for me was a brown
leather briefcase with my name embroidered in
gold letters on the outside. I was more pleased
with it than anything else I had gotten that day.
"It wasn't necessary to buy real leather, Mar
tha," Kari told my grandmother.
"Of course it was," she replied, and smiled at
me. "Why shouldn't she have the nicest things?"
We had tea, and Grandma served her home
made sugar cookies, which I thought were deli
cious. Then she told stories about her days at
school. She had attended a smaller, rural school.
She talked about how she had to walk almost a
mile and a half to get there.
"Even in the snow!"
"Even in the snow because we didn't have
schoolbuses like you do now."
V. C.ANDREWS
Grandpa tried to match her stories with
own, and she kept correcting him andsayin,
was exaggerating. They were both funny
delightful. I was really beginning to enjoy m;
when Kari announced it was time to go horn
"Tomorrow's her first day at a new school,
declared when my grandmother complainec
hadn't even been there an hour. "She need;
early night"
"Well, you call me as soon as you can afterv
and tell me all about your first day, Crysi
Grandma said.
"I will. Thank you again for the briefcase
said.
She hugged me. "Our pleasure. We don't 1
much to spend our money on these days
medicines and such."
"You've got the best health plan," Kari sai
"Oh, I don't want to talk about that," Gram
said quickly. "Now that we have a granddaugl
I don't want to talk about my ailments."
We said good night and left.
"If they didn't have the plan I got them," ]
muttered when we got into the car, "she would
bankrupt paying for that heart medicine. TI
prescriptions are very expensive."
"She knows," Thelma said. "She's just ex«
about Crystal. As we all are," she added. "I ^
could attend class with you tomorrow, Cryst
wish I was starting over again." 3

62

CRYSTAL
"It's not easy to change schools," Kari said.
"It's nothing to envy."
"I know. Did you ever read Love on Wheels,
about that family that lives in a motor home and
has to go from place to place, town to town,
following farm work?"
"No," I replied.
"Just when Stacy finds the love other life, she
has to leave him. I'll give it to you," Thelma
promised. "In fact, you should read all my books.
Then we could talk .about them, about all my
special people. Wouldn't that be nice?"
I didn't answer fast enough.
"She'll have too much to do now that school's
starting," Kari said, coming to my rescue.
"She has to have time off, doesn't she? What's a
better way to spend it than reading?" Thelma
countered.
How funny, I thought. I would get assignments
at school and assignments at home. There was no
doubt in my mind which ones my mother thought
were more important. .
Once I got home and put all my new things
away, I realized Kari wasn't so wrong. I did need
to get to bed. I was so nervous about the next day
and what it would bring, sleep was as hard to
grasp and hold as an icicle. He was right about
another thing, too. It wasn't easy to change
schools, to make new friends, to get used to
different teachers and rules.
F. C. ANDREWS
It was almost like losing your memory an
starting over as a different person.
And wasn't that exactly what I was, a ne'
person with a new last name and a new family^
My old self curled up in some dark come
shivering, naked, and alone.
"What will become of me?" she asked.
"In time," I told her, "you will disappear."
It was a cruel thought, but it was what I hope
would happen, wasn't it?
It was also what made me cower in my own ne1
corner of the world, just as naked and just s
frightened about tomorrow.

64

5
A New Friend

^SP

To my surprise, Kari decided he would take me
to school every morning, but I had to come home
on the bus. It wasn't a problem, because the route
was just a few minutes out of his way to work.
Nevertheless, it was really Thelma who had suggested
it.
"It will give you two more time to get to know
each other," she said. I was waiting for her to add
the name of a book and the names of characters in
a similar situation, but she didn't. Kari considered
and decided she was right.
Kari and I hadn't spent all that much time
together without Thelma. She was always the one
who began conversations or asked questions.
When Kari and I drove off that first morning, I
remembered he didn't like being distracted from
his driving, so I didn't say anything. For a while,

65
V. C. ANDREWS
we drove in complete silence, interrupted occa
sionally by his describing the route we were
taking. "
"What is your favorite subject?" he finally
asked.
"Science, especially biology," I replied. He nod
ded, his eyes fixed firmly on the car ahead of us.
"I enjoyed science, but math was always my
favorite. I never told anyone," he said, flashing a
small smile at me before whipping his head back
to watch the road, "but to me numbers are living
things. They resemble one", two-, and multicelled
animals, depending on the combinations, formu
las, and so on."
"That's interesting," I said. He liked that, and I
was glad. Talking to him had taken the edge off
my nervousness. I was distracted enough not to
worry about my imminent entrance to a new
school full of strangers.
"I feel like I'm creating something when I work
out my accounts and balance sheets. Everything
has a way of relating to everything else. I bet you
can understand what I'm saying," he added ^
"I think so," I said, even though I wasn't sure|
did, and he gave me a wider smile. *|
"When we were trying to make a baby, I wa|
hoping he or she would grow up to be someone |
could talk to, someone who was bright enough t^
understand. That's why I was so happy whel
Thelma said she liked you, too. Most kids hav|
fluff in their heads today," he continued, his 03
CRYSTAL
darkening; "They don't get serioiisabout life until
it's almost loo late or, in many cases, too late;
There are too many distractions. Don't tell Thel-
ma I said this, but I think it's good that you don't
want to spend all your free timestaring into a
light bulb:'
"A light bulb?"
"That's all television is to me, a light bulb with
idiotic stuff on its surface," he muttered. "I don't
even like the way they report the news. The news
is a comic book these days."
I was surprisedathowforcefully he condemned
television. I could see. him rushing,intopeople's
homes and smashing screens with a sledge ham
mer, yet when it came to his own home, he sat
silently reading his magazines while Thelma sat
entranced.
"Thelma really loves her programs," I said.
"I know. And I appreciate how you humor
her," he added with a smile.
"Did she always spend so much time watching
them?" '
He was quiet, concentrating on his driving. We
stopped at a traffic light, and he took a deep
breath. "She didn't tell you everything about our
attempt to have a baby of our own," he confessed.
"We tried in vitro fertilization. You know what
that is?"
"Yes," I said. "Taking out a woman's egg,
inserting sperm into it in a Petri dish, and placing
it back in the woman's womb."
"You are smart. Yes, Welly it dldn'1
her. She miscarried. She was very depc^
ward. Very depressed," he emphasized,
eyebrows and widening his eyes. ^It'e'sS
she begani to watch television. Getting^
the stories was the only thing that ess^
couldn't oppose it." He paused and ttu
at me quickly. "I didn't want to telllj
soon," he continued, "but you're nsyli
, "Me? How?" . -^' ^
"I'm hoping she'll become so invoP^
and real-life things that she'll staim^
from the make-believe world. I wasll
breath when you first came to our Bo^
to see if you were going to get sud^^
soap operas with her. "You dont kao1^
am that you haven't been," he said."3!
"I like a good story," I confesst^l"
"Sure, who doesn't? But it canf^
whole life. It does for people who'j
but popcorn in their heads. 'ybu*p||
them. You're a serious young lady. ^| be someone, and I want to be 3^
hand you your first diploma." ^ ^
; I smiled. He sounded proud a
hadn't done a thing. In fact, it wasi
felt he sounded like a real father. ,^
"I hope you're there too," I toldj^
He seemed to relax in his seatgi
grip around the steering wheel,.!?

68

CRYSTAL
g to know each other better. Thelma had
a good suggestion.
1 tell you another one of my secrets," he
d. "I even view people in terms of num-

iw do you do that?" I asked.
sy." He paused as if he wasn't going to say
lore, but he had a small smile on his lips
"Some people are positive numbers, and
are negative. Didn't you ever hear someone
He's a complete Zero"? Well, that's how I
people in my mind, only I have categories
negatives, too." He laughed. "My immediperior
is a minus ten. He used toTae a minus
u( he's gotten worse."
'e heard about women being rated like that,"
, "A beautiful woman is supposed to be a

ah, but that's a stupid use of numbers," he
agrily. It was as if numbers were his prov-
nd no one else had a right to use them. "You
measure someone solely on the way he or
oks. It's what's going on in here," he said,
log his temple with his forefinger so hard I
Bed the pain, "that counts. Counts, get it?"
fk smiling.
Kided.
tere she blows," he cried, nodding ahead of
®w the school building down the street
? buses were emptying their passengers.

69

V. C.ANDREWS

014 friends were hugging and talking -ess
one another. They all had that first-day^
look, the clean and crisp appearance then
most likely imposed on them.
"You know the number of the bus tl
you home?" Karl asked.
"Yes."
"Okay, have a great first day," he said
to the curb. He looked at me as if he w
give me a kiss good-bye. I waited a
expecting it, but he just smiled and nodd<
squirming in his seat as if he was uncpm
We were still orbiting each other like s)
waiting for something that would make
father and daughter. Why was it so mud||
for me than it was for all those young||
laughing and shouting in front of the i
What wonderful things had they done to dk
their families, their mommies and daddies?
terrible thing had I done to be born alonel
"'Bye," I cried, and hopped out of tnl1
turned to wave, but he was pulling awl
attention locked on the driveway in front ^
. ',' ' '' .... " . ' - ' '. ' ^
First days of school always had a special!
to them. The desks, the blackboards, the hid
the bathrooms, windows, and floors were s<|
clean. You could still smell the detergents,
polish, glass cleaner, and fresh paint. ^
footsteps, and bells all had a deeper, longer
There was an electricity of expectation and i

70

CRYSTAL
»in the air, as well as some mystery. What
eoing to be required of us? How well would
et along with our new teachers? How well
4 we get along with one another? Those who
been here before studied one another to
rver the changes a summer of fun or work or
|iad effected on their bodies, their faces» and,
|ef all, their personalities.
ite and boys alike were exploring new styles,
I their hair differently, dressed more maI, Those who were more insecure about
pelves held themselves back toward the rear,
l.shadows, out of the direct flowofconversa-
||nd attention, while the confident strutted
Heir heads high, seeking to reclaim their tmf
|[y and eyeing every possible contender with

glkids were interesting and yet threatening. I
^almost hear their suspicion when they
p.,at me. The girl who was expected to win
||d in the school play wondered if I would try
gd take her part away. The students who
gR the top of their classes, racing toward the
p and honors, wondered if I would be real
gBUtion. Girls who were leaders of their little
j* feared I might be more sophisticated and
gway their loyal followers. Girls and even
itoo fell outside the circle of social life hoped
JRbe another one of them, a friend, a buoy to
||o in the sea of turmoil adults called the
years, adolescence.

V. C.ANDREWS
I was here. I had landed, and I was living w
family now. No one could fix the label of oq
on my forehead like the mark of Cain and r
me feel so different that I saw curiosity and r
tion in the eyes of those who were supposed 1
friends. At least, that was what I hoped.
The moment I spotted Helga talking and la
ing with a group of girls near the giris' room,!
a dark foreboding take hold of my heart. She
me and nudged someone, and they all grew |
and looked my way.
"Hi," she called, waving me toward
"Hi."
"You didn't take the bus this mor
didn't know whether or not you were s
with Karl and Thelma," she said.
"Why wouldn't I be?" I shot back.
She looked at her friends and then a
shrugged. '
"I just wondered," she said, shifting h
from one leg to the other and smiling
introduced Crystal to Bemie Felder. We i
to his house, and she didn't want to Ie
long did you stay?"
"A while," I said. So that was it,I thoij
being punished for not doing exactly will
wanted, for defying her and staying wit
"Crystal's a genius, too," she said wft
twist in her lips. ;
"I'm far from a genius, but I am poUt

72

CRYSTAL
I turned to the others. "My name is Crystal
Morris."
They stared a moment, and then a short brunette
with a face like a little doll, her features
small and perfect, stuck out her hand.
"I'mAlicia."
"I'm Mona," said another girl, with a rounder
face, straight light brown hair, and brown eyes.
Her fingers were short and stubby.
"My name is Kachael Peterson," a girl almost
as tall as Helga said in a very formal voice. She
didn't offer her hand, but she looked at my
briefcase. "Is that real leather?" she asked.
} "Yes:'
j|^ "Very nice," she said.
1^, "Thank you. My grandparents gave it to me."
|^ "Grandparents? How can you have grandpar|ents?"
Helga asked quickly.
|fc "Thelma's parents are my grandparents," I said
"fayly. "That's how it works."
) "So how did you get to school this morning?"
(elga asked, ignoring my sarcasm. "'Ybu didn't
^me with Bemie, did you?"
"Karl took me on the way to work. He's going
»take me every morning, but I'll go home on the
"V I explained.
'Still calling him Kari, I see," Helga said,
ftmg her eyes to her friends. She smiled wryly,
i'lips twisting again.
"^ll, I wasn't as lucky as the rest of you. I

73
V. C. ANDREWS
wasn't born into a family,"! said. I saw Alii
eyebrows lift. Mona's eyes filled with confusi
"I told you she was very intelligent," Helga
quickly.
Alicia and Mona nodded, but Rachael coi
ued just to stare down at me.
"It doesn't take a lot of intelligence to know
to say things that will embarrass someone wt
new and a stranger to the school," I said. ""
usually shows a lack of it." I turned and wa
toward my homeroom just as the bell rang.
Bemie Folder was in my, homeroom. He noc
when he saw me, his eyes softening as if they
my distress at being new and unsure of myself,
he didn't sit near me. He took the last seat in
first row, as if that seat had been waiting for
all summer. Our homeroom teacher didn't s
to care where anyone sat, so I sat up front
opened my briefcase. '
Homeroom was extended on the first day a
the school's rules could be explained. Most bi
students paid little attention. Even our ho
room teacher seemed bored with it and lot
relieved when the bell for passing to the first t
rang. : . :.. -" 1 - - ?
I did make some friends during the cows
the school day: a pair of redheaded twins n^
Rea and Zoe, who told me their parents deB
ately had looked for names with the same nttti
of letters, a heavy black girl named Haley Th'
aSt and a tall, very thin boy named Randal ^8
CRYSTAL
who was the school's chess champion. There was
another girl named Ashley who remained in the
background, too shy to say anything. The twins
wore matching dresses and had their hair styled in
a similar fashion. They told me they enjoyed
playing tricks on people and even their teachers
by pretending to be each other from time to time.
"When we get married, we'll do it to our
husbands, too," Rea said, laughing.
We all sat at the same table and ate lunch
together. I looked for Bemie, but he wasn't in the
cafeteria. Later, when I saw him in the hallway, I
asked him where he had been. He looked embar
rassed and very nervous because I bad stopped
him to talk. His eyes shifted from side to side, and
then he looked down at the floor when he replied.
"I eat lunch in the bio lab. Mr. Friedman lets
me. I get work done and sometimes help him set
up his equipment for his classes. He lets me run
some of my own experiments from time to time,
usually after school," he added, and looked up.
"How do you like your first day so* far?"
"It's okay. I really like my English teacher and
our math teacher," I said. Benne was in my math
class.
He nodded; ;
"Mr. Albert is the best one to have fop geome
try. We're lucky. I gottage to gym," ;he said,
moving away. "I'm always late for gym."
I watched him walk quickly down thehallway,
and then I went to the library for my study period.
V. C. ANDREWS
I didn't see him again until the end of the sch<
day when I stepped onto the bus. Helga was
front with Alicia. She smiled at me.
"Bernie's in the back," she said.
"You're not funny,^ I told her, but she laugh
anyway.
I made my way back, passing Ashley, who s
alone looking as if she wanted to ask me to
with her. Bernie glanced up at me and then look
at the textbook he had opened. I sat across fix
him and gazed out the window.
"Your friend Helga's been saying things abc
us," I heard him say, and turned.
"What did you say?"
"Some of the guys in my gym class were sayi
things about us," he told me.
"Fust, she's not my friend. I met her for t
first time when I met you. And second, I doi
think I could be friends with her. She's not w
nice."
He didn't move his lips, but his eyes smiled^
"I wondered how you could be friends wa
her," he said, and then looked at his book agai
We rode in silence all the way back to <?
neighborhood. My stop was before his.I sa
good-bye, and he nodded and looked at his bon
again. Helga had already gotten off. She m
waiting for me on the sidewalk, a
"Pm not trying to be mean," she said. "I v»
just teasing you. I'd really like to be friends.'N

76

CRYSTAL

"Why?"! asked her,
"Why?"
"Yes, why do you want to be friends with me?"
"I don't know. Why does anyone become
friends with anyone?" she replied.
"Usually because they havesomething in common,
they like the same things, they want to do
the same things," I said.
"So?"
"So when you think of something you and I
might like to do together, let me know," I said,
and walked away. Maybe I wasteing unforgiving;
maybe I just didn't trust her. Whatever the reason,
it felt good.
I heard the television set when I entered the
house and knew what soap Thelma was watching
and how important it was to her, but I remembered
what Karl had said to me in the morning
and how much he was hoping I would help bring
Thelma back to reality.
"Hi," I said, and she looked up.
"Oh, Crystal, you're back from school. I want
to hear all about your first day. Just a minute, and
there will be a commercial," she said.
"I'll go change first," I said.
She nodded, her eyes already drawn back to the
screen. When I returned, the television was
turned off and Thelma was sitting quietly in the
rocking chair, moving back and forth slightly and
staring down at the floor.
V.C.ANDREWS
"Mom?" I said, and she looked up, her eyes
blank for a moment and then suddenly coming on
like a pair of tiny lamps.
"Oh, Crystal. Fm stunned. Just at the end,
Brock told his mother he's gay, and all this time I
thought he was in love with Megan. I mean, I
never-would have known." She shook her head.
"What's her mother going to say?"
"Um, I'm not sure," I said, not knowing how to
answer her. I decided instead to tell her about my
day, "I like my new school."
"What? Oh, yes, the school. How was your first
day?"
"It was good. I like most of my teachers."
"Did you make any friends?" she asked, as if
that was the main reason for school.
"A few," I said. "I ate lunch with a pair of
.twins.'"'.".'1,' ,, . ' ' .
--. '. - * t.i ..-' __ *..,;' - , '- I -";, ' ' i, ;
"Yes, Rea and Zoe. They're very nice."
"Rea? Where did I hear that name before? Rea?^
Oh, yes. Yesterday's Children. Rea was Lindsey's|
lost sister." J
"This Rea is real. Mom. I can call her on the|
phone and speak with her. I can go places wit^
her. I can study with her. I can touch her. She1|
real."-'"1-' " ' ' " " ' :-- 1 ' ' ' "I " "I
Thelma stared at me as if I had lost my mind!
"That's nice, dear. Oh, tbetter get started o|
dinner. Would you like to set the table?"
"Of course," I said, feeling frustrated.

!8

CRYSTAL
When Kari came home, he asked me many
more questions about school. In fact, we had one
of the longest conversations we had had since I
arrived. Every once in a while, both of us would
look at Thelma. She would simply smile.
"It's so nice to have real family conversations
around the dinner table," she finally said.
Kari beamed and then winked at me. I felt as if
he and I were coconspirators,
Right after dinner, the phone rang and Kari
called to me. "It's for you," he said.
"Oh, good," Thelma said. "She's making
friends quickly."
I couldn't imagine who it could be. I hoped it
wasn't Helga.
"Hello," I said hesitantly,
"I got my new slides today, cross sections of
human heart tissue. I thought you might be interested,"
Bernie said without saying hellp.
"Yes, I would be aftterested,",!. replied. ;
"Can you come over?"
"Now?"
He didn't answer.
"I suppose so," I said. I held my hand over the
mouthpiece and asked Kari and Thelroa, telling
them what Bemie had to show me.
"As long as you don't stay out too late," Kari
said. Thelma just smiled.
"I'll be there as soon as I finish helping clean up
our dinner dishes," I told Bemie. He hung up
without saying goodbye.
V. C. ANDREWS
"You don't have to help me," Thelma said."
not much. Go on."
"Are you sure. Mom?"
"Of course."
I went to my room and got my tight jac
When I started out, Thelma was at the door.
"You're going to go look at cross sections <
human heart?" she asked.
"That's what he says."
She shook her head. "I'm sure that's interest
Is he a good-looking boy?"
"He's all right," I said. "I'm really more in
ested in the slides."
She tilted her head like a puppy when it hea
totally confusing noise. Then she smiled, laugt
and said, "Wouldn't it be something if you cc
see love under a microscope, too? Then n
know if someone was really heartsick."
laughed again. "Have a good time," she caj
back as she returned to the kitchen. »
I shook my head and laughed myself. It w<3
be something if we could see feelings and kn<S
they were honest and true. ^i
Then everyone would know if I really was ri
interested in the slides, ''f
Bemie answered the door himself. The house
was dark and quiet.
"Maid's night off," he muttered, and stepped
back.
"Where are your parents?" I asked as I entered.
After having lived all my life in orphanages and
now living with Thelma, who kept the television
on the way some people kept on lights, it seemed
strange to enter a home that was so silent.
"Out," he said. "At a meeting or a dinner or
something. They left numbers in the kitchen, but I
didn't look at them. Come on," he said, leading
the way down the hall to his room.
He had the microscope out and the new slides
beside it. Next to that was a plastic replica of the
human heart.
"These cells come from heart muscle," he said,
V. C. ANDREWS
and glanced into the microscope. He had yet <
look at me directly.
I stepped up beside him and waited, and the
he moved to the side.
"Go on, take a look," he said.
I sat and lookedthrough the eyepiece. I had 1
adjust the focus to fit my vision, but it soon caa|
in clear, and I was amazed at the detail I con|
see. ^ 'I
"This came with it," he explained, and rd|
from a sheet of printed material.
"'We studied cardiac explants and aut
hearts of patients with chronic congestive I
failure caused by either a dilated cardiomyop
or ischemic heart disease and compared
with normal hearts. In control hearts, endot
cells rarely were positive for PAL-E. In hea
patients with ischemic cardiomyopathies,
was distinct staining with this marker,
" 'Conclusions: A phenotypic shift in endo
al antigen expression of the coronary micros
lature occurs in both ischemic hearts and I
with dilated cardiomyopathies, as reveal
PAL-E, compared with control hearts. The ®i
may relate to compensatory mechanisms uk|
standing chronic heart failure.'" a
He put the paper down as if he assut
understood any or all of it I shook my^
"Where didyou get all this?" ^
"A friend of my father's works at a i
CRYSTAL
lar research lab in Minnesota. He sent it. My
father tells everyone I'm some sort of scientific
genius, and they send me things." He gazed at the
sheet. "This is heavy research."
"Let me see it," I said, and he handed me the
paper. I reread most of what he had read aloud.
"No way could I understand it." I shook my head.
"This might as well be in a foreign language. I
mean, I know what some of the words mean, but
putting it all together... I guess they've found a
way to diagnose a heart problem."
"Right," he said. He looked relieved that I
didn't know much more than he did. /'
I gazed at the cell under the microscope again.
"It is interesting to know that this was once part
of a human being," I said.
"I didn't show you half of it before. I've got
cells from all sorts of human organs," he said with
more excitement in his voice. He went to his
special small file cabinet and opened a drawer.
Gazing in, he read from the labels. "Liver, kidney,
lungs, ovaries, the prostate, even some brain
cells."
It was almost as if I had gone shopping at a
department store for human cells and he was the
salesman. I couldn't help but smile.
"What's so funny?" he asked sharply.
"Nothing," I said, not wanting to make him fed
bad. "it's just unusual to see someone have all
^at in his room."
V. C.ANDKEW

He slammed the drawer clo»8
Would be interested and events
said., ' . i^
"I am! Really, Beraie, I am,*
He looked at me sideways^
suspicion. . , ^SS,
"I mean it. I'm sorry;' Wi
He hesitated and then opNi
"You want to see anythiog^l
"I'dlike to see a brain
He brought it over and aa^
scope. Then he stepped bW^
"Yro know there are <aN»||
in your brain," he said as -W^
brain controls every vitaK||
and even controls our enwl
love" : - '., ^ri|
This time, I did la<
"}Vhat?"
"My mother, Thel
him^ "asked if we cou
"That's an old B
centered in the heart. H
brain," he correeted.al
ings." , : . -. s«l
"I know. It was jttiBt"
"Right. It is siB^
away the slides. "IS^^
be?" he asked me. s~
"Maybe a doctor.
CRYSTAL
teacher," I said, and he grimaced. "You
want to be a teacher?" I asked.
y," he said, turning back to me. "I
>ut up with giggly giris and jocks and all
>lems."
X)d teachers are important," I said.
oit going to do that," he insisted. "Pure
|& what I want to do. I don't want to put
lupid people."
fcy do it if you don'tcare about people?"

I'' '' ' '
||15ust don't want to be ... interrupted
Sfc^^a M . -
|Bryone will be annoying," I insisted.
|||at me. "You like to argue, don't you?"
|p don't mind having a discussion," I
^lly smiled, a small twitch of his lips in
|ad a brighter light in his green eyes.

BJfefimshed supper, remember? Didn't
H^topper?" .. ' . ;.. -..:.:
ibo involved with my new slides and
^IjiRdleft me something to warm up.
gteh me eat?" he asked.
^pfc fun as looking at the slides?"
^gYou're the first girl I've met who's
^l^ said.

^^^ said, and I followed him to the
times the size of ours and

V. C. ANDREWS
had appliances that looked as if they belonged in
spacestation.
"What is that?" I asked, pointing at a machin
on the counter.
"That? A cappuccino machine. My mothe
likes her cappuccino after dinner. Whenever sh
eats at home," he added. He opened the gian
refrigerator and took out a covered plate. "Lasa
gna," he said. "I just have to put it in th
microwave for a couple of minutes."
I watched him do so.
"How about something to drink? Lemonade
iced tea, soda, milk, beer?"
"Beer?"
' **You never had it?" he asked skeptically.
"Not really," I said. "I'll have whatever yo)
have."
He poured us both some iced tea. There was i
placesetting all ready for him at the dining-roon
table. It was a large, oval» dark oak table witi
thick legs. There were twelve captain's chairs se
around the table, and above us a large chandelie
dangled on a gold chain. Behind us, the wall wa
aU mirror. Against the far wall was a grand hutd
with matching wood, filled with dishes and glasse
that all looked very expensive.
Bemie brought his food out and set it dowa
"Our maid is a good cook. Otherwise I'd starve,!
he quipped. -
b "'yout mother doesn't cook?" |

86 ^

CRYSTAL

"My mother? She couldn't boil water without
burning it," he said.
"You can't bum water."
"It's a joke. At least, it was supposed to be."
"How often do you eat alone like this?" I asked.
He paused and thought, as if I had given him a
difficult question to answer: "On the average, I'd
say four times a week."
"Four!"- ; ' ' . ': ' ; '
"I said average, so you know that there are
weeks when it's more," he lectured.
"You should be a teacher," I said. "You like
pointing things out, arid I bet you love correcting
people."
He gazed at me a moment and then smiled.
"You want to do our math homework after! eat?"
he asked. ,
"Ididithefore.dmner,"Isaid.^ ,;
"I did it on the bus,"" he countered.
"So why did you ask?"
He shrugged. "I thought I'd help you."
"Maybe I would have helped you."
He laughed again and then grew serious, his
eyes small and fixed on me intently; Bernie had a
way of looking at people as if they were under .his
microscope. It made me a little uncomfortable.
"What?" I said.
"I was wondering what it was like for you,
living in an orphanage,'" he said.
"Here I go again." I moaned.

67

V. C. ANDREWS

"What?" :
"That's all anyone wants to know."
"I was just curious, from a scientific;!
view," he added.
"You really want to know? I'll tell yoy,
bard," I fired at him. "I didn't feel U^
anyone. I felt like I was dangling, waiting
life to start. Everyone is jealous ofwhatetig
thing happens to anyone else. Counselooj
workers, adults who come around to j^
child make you feel like you're .. /' ^
"Under a microscope?" ^
"'Yes, exactly. And it's no fun. You^^
make friends with someone because't^
might be gone the next month." ^
"What about your real parents?" he11|
"What about them?"
"Why did they give you up?" ,3
"My mother had me out of wecfioi^^
"She was too sick to take care ofme;tl^|
who my father is, and I don't care."*
"Why not?" ' :/- ' - ' "^^3
"I just don't," I said, tears burStrii^^^
eyelids. "So; to answer your qitesti^^^
pleasant," I concluded in a tone thatN||
sharper, than i intended. -' , ; - ^'^^^
Bernie didn't wince or look awag^l
nodded. "I understand," he said. «
"Really? I don't see how you cout^U
were an orphan^ too," I replied, wi^|
generous mood.
CRYSTAL
He looked around the room and then at me. "I
am an orphan," he said nonchalantly, as if it was
an obvious fact. "An orphan with parents. It's
always been like this. My mother treats me as if I
was some sort of space creature. She had a diffi
cult pregnancy with me, and she had to have a
cesarean delivery. You know what that is, right?"
"Of course."
"So she never had any more children, and if she
could have, she probably would have aborted me.
Once, when she was angry at me for something,
she said that," he added hotly.
"How terrible," I said, shaking my head. ;
"My father is disappointed .that I'm not a jock.
He tries to get me to go down to his place and
work with his mechanics, to build myself or, as he
puts it, to build character. He thinks character
comes from sweat."
He dropped his fork onto the plate with a clang
|hat nearly made me jump in my seat.
"Sorry," he said. "I know you don't want to
*ear this garbage."
"That's all right. I'm just surprised, that's all," I
^id. •'; • •''' • •^^ -;-_ •• '- '"' '
"You're surprised? You can imagine how sur-
^lised I am. Well," hesaid, pushing back from the
^ble, "they leave me alone and buy me whatever I
^ for. You know what I think.'* His eyes were
"^w looking glassy with tears. "I think my own
Mother is afraid of me. She hates wming into my
^m. She says she can't stand looking at those
V. C. ANDREWS
specimens I have in jars and that it smells. Do<
my room smell?"
"No," I answered honestly.
"All she wants to do is buy me what'a fashions
ble in clothes. That's practically the only time I g
anywhere with her."
I looked down. How strange it ^ifas to hes
someone with parents sound more unhfcppy than
was without them. Maybe he was rigfil; mayb
there were more orphans out there than I coul
have imagined.
"Did you ever have a boyfriend at the orphar
age?" he asked softly.
I looked up and shook my head. "Everyone
meet wants to know that, too. Even Thelma asked
me that," I said.
"I just wondered what kind of boys you liked,
he said.
"I like boys who are honest and intelligent an
caring about someone else's feelings as much a
they are about their own."
"yhat about looks?"
"It helps if they don't have a wart on the tip (;
their -nose or an.eye in the middle of their for<
head," I said, and he laughed. „
"I think you're nice," he said. "I think ypu'l
nicer than most girls I know who aren't orphan.!
You must have good genes," he concluded. "yo^
mother must have been nice, too," : ^
; I looked aEway.

90

CRYSTAL
"What did she die of?" he asked. I was silent.
"What was her sickness?"
"She was a manic-depressive," I shot back at
him, and stood up. "She died in a mental hospital.
I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell anyone. So,
you see, my genes are not so good after all. I've got
to go home," I said. "I told them I wouldn't be
here that long."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean ..."
"It doesn't matter. Thanks for showing me your
slides," I said, and headed for the door.
He came after me and took my arm to stop me
before I opened the door. "I'm sorry," he said. "I
didn't mean to ask so many personal questions."
"It's all right. I've got to learn how to deal with
it," I said. "I'm just afraid, that's all, afraid of
becoming her." .
"You won V he assured me.
"I won't? What about your beliefabout genes?"
"You have your father's genes, too."
"He was worse," I said, without going into it
"Well, you have grandparents. There are lots of
combinations and influences on who we are."
"When do we find out?" I asked him, my tears
now bubbling at the lids.
"Find out what?"
"Who we are."
"We're always making discoveries about that,"
he said.
I opened the door.

91

V. C. ANDREWS

"Hey," he said, stepping out alongside me.
"What?"
"Thanks for coming over." He leaned in before
I could react and kissed me quickly on the cheek.
"Why did you do that?"
He shrugged. "My genes, I guess," he said, and
laughed as he stepped back inside and closed the
door.
I stood there fora moment with my hand on my
cheek where he had kissed it. It had happened so
fast, too fast. I was disappointed.
That^s the first time a boy ever did that to me, I
thought as I started for home. I tried to understand
the excitement that made my heart thump
and brought a heat to my face. There was a
movement of feelings through my body, a current
that rushed in waves from my legs, through my
stomach, and up around my heart, sending trickles of electricity down to the very tips of my
fingers. Was this love, my first love?
My eyes were filled with his green eyes. His
smile fit like a glove over mine. My brain of ten
billion cells was a kaleidoscope of emotions. I felt
sorry for him living like an orphan in that big,
beautiful, expensive house. I wanted to go back
and be with him. I wanted to hold him in my arms
and tell him how to overcome the loneliness, a
loneliness so strong that even all the money in the
worid, buying all the things he could fancy,
wouldn't stop it from making his heart ache. I

92

CRYSTAL
wanted to kiss his cheek, and then I wanted our
lips to touch.
I wanted more, and what I wanted frightened
me. ^
I closed my eyes but quickened my steps. When
I opened them, I was standing in front of my new
home.
I started to laugh.
It was funny. When I had left, Thelma had
asked if I could see love under the microscope.
Maybe I had.
7
ieeingf Star^

Falling asleep was harder than ever after I re|
turned from Bemie's house. Thehna kept me busyj
with chatter about a new nighttime serial she had|
watched for the first time. She described the entire!
first episode in detail, including its settings and all|
its major characters. My mind wandered even as^
she spoke. I could hear her droning on, and I;|
watched her animated face go through all the|
emotions, plucking a sigh from here, a laugh from?
there, and then loading up on smiles and tears|
before she finished with the declaration, "This is|
the best evening program I've seen." |
I promised to watch it with her next time and j
then went to my room to finish my homework and |
organize my notebook. My stomach felt as if it|
had a mad Inimblebee buzzing around inside. 11
couldn't concentrate on anything and found my|
CRYSTAL
self gazing out the window at the stars. I was
hypnotized by the glitter and twinkle of the jew
eled sky, and when I did think, I realized I had
rarely spent time looking at the night sky when I
lived at an orphanage. I always felt shut up,
contained, and chained by bureaucratic rules and
paperwork that left me feeling small and alone,
just another number in some official's logbook,
just another problem for society. It was better to
remain unnoticed, to fold up in some corner,
swallow back my tears, hide my face in books, and
close the shades on my windows. There was no
place for stars or for dreams in that worid.
But now, after just one day at my new school,
meeting new people, feeling like someone, I saw
myself as reborn. I unfolded like a flower that had
been stuck between the pages of the child weKare
system's books; I was free togcow, to feel, to cry,
and to laugh. I had a home. I had a name. I bad a
right to be alive and to be heard.
I eouldnfthelp feeling like a fish out of water,
however. Expressing emotions, having an opin
ion, and being confident around other kids my age
was so new it a& made me anxious and even a
little afraid. Now, more than ever, I didn't want to
fail. Icouldn't be a disappointment to people who
had invested their faith in me. I would be the best
possible student, I thought. Kari would be very
proud. I would help Thelma forget the ugliness
and disappointments in her past, and would give
her as well as myself a reason to face a new day.
V. C. ANDREWS
And thai I would permit myself to grow into a
woman. This frightened me most of all. As long as
I was still seen as a little girl, I was safe, even in
taste orphanage. I lived in some neutral place
without sex, unnoticed and unremarkable, especially
by boys.
Bemie's kiss had suddenly changed all that. I
felt like Sleeping Beauty. Of course, I had
thoughts about sex and romance before, but
somehow I never thought of myself as potentially
someone's lover. I was still an observer, the little
giri who sits beside the older, far more sophisticated
girls and listens with wide eyes and interest
tor the intimate stories describing events and experiences
that were still more like fantasy or
science fiction but never something ;(hat would
happen to me.
Now it could happen to me; I touched the place
ear: my cheek where Bemie had kissed me. and
then I rose and gazed at myself in the mirror. Was
my face more mature? Would anyone look at me
bow and think that's a pretty young woman?
- ;1 bid out my nightgown on the bed and then
went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, took off
my clothes, and returned, but I didn't put on my
nightgown. Naked, I stood before the mirror and
studied my body, noting the shape of my blossoming
breasts. When I turned on an angle, I saw how
my body was taking shape, how the curves were
softening and filling out.
My heart pounded as I looked at mysetf this

96

eRYSTAl,
"eit as if I hadnudged some part of my
If that had been hibernating. It lifted its
d smiled, welcoming my curiosity, l&s, I
ar it whisper from within, I am here, I am
tak&you on a new journey faff of exciting
and emotions. The biological streams
inside wiBjom andrush over everydry
you. Anyone looking at your lips, your
touching your hand will see the heat and
ger. I will make you a woman. My body
d with the promise.
on my nightgown and crawled under the
nfil I was snug. The soft, plush pillow was
beneath my head. I was floating over the
^ and thunder of excitement I had aroused
if, but still I tossed and turned for hours
nally settled into a warm pocket of sleep,
id. ' " .' ' '_/:'
pund of doors closing, the quick, heavy
Footsteps, the cries coming from Thelma
»e out of the darkness. I listened.. Either
Thelma rushed up the stairs and back to
l&om. Thelma was crying. I rose quickly
(to my door.
as standing in the hallway with her coat
saw me and wiped away the tears that
'earning down her cheeks so hard they
dipped from herchin.
irystal, you're up. I'm sorry wewoke you,
be it's better." .

97

V. C. ANDREWS
Kari came out of the bedroom wearing his coat,
too. , - . .:. ... , ,
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's my mother'" Thelma cried. "She was just
rushed to the emergency room. We have to go. My
father is sql upset he could haveastroke."
"Should I get dressed?" I asked.
"No, no," Kari said. "This could be hours and
hours, 'you go back to sleep, and tomorrow morning,
if we're not back in time, you take the bus to
school. Well be fine." He put his arm around
Thelma's waist.
She reached for me and held me against her for
a moment. Then the two of them hurried on.
"Isn't there anything I can do?" I called to
them.
"No, no, just go back to sleep," Kari replied.
, Their footsteps died away as they turned and
headed for the garage.
I went to the window in my room and gazed out
to watch them drive off. The street was otherwise
deserted, the small patches of illumination from
the lights creating a quilt of yellowish white in the
darkness all the way to the corner and beyond
where Kari's car turned and disappeared into the
night.
The house was deadly quiet. It had all happened
so fast, I felt as if I had dreamed it,
especially after I crawled back under my covers
and dosed my eyes. It was far more difficult now
to fall asleep, but shortly before the first light of
CRYSTAL
wy, I did. The alarm woke me. Otherwise, I
ould have slept through most of the morning.
il took a long shower and made myself some
ttmeal. As I ate my breakfast, I looked toward
tee phone, hoping Kari would call before the bus
Bne, but he didn't. I was tempted to get myself to
(B hospital instead of going to school, but I
nought it might upset them more, so I finished
siting dressed, gathered my books, and went but
twait for the bus.
Eelga was already standing at the bus stop with
ey Raymond, whose mother, Vera, was prac-
8 he only neighbor Thelma spoke to, and
;ause Vera was into watching soap operas,

Karl taking you to school today?" Helga

y was about my height with light brown
I a pair of large blue eyes too big for her
iouth and nose. She gazed at me. She
ooked like a frightened doe to me. I had
>ut four words to her before this.
ething happened to my grandmother last
nd he and Thelma had to rush to the
. They're still there," I explained.
e was any sympathy in Helga, it was down
in her heart it would take an oil rig two
»find it. She smirked and nudged Ashley.
ie will be happy. He'll have someone to
ith," she said.

V.C.ANDREWS
"What's wrong with your grandmother?" Ash-
ley asked quietly,
"I don't know. They rushed out too fast for me
to ask questions," I said;
"I know her. She's a nice lady," Ashley said.
"^es, she is."
"How many times did you actually even meet
her?" Helga fired at me, as if I had no right to
comment. »
"It doesn't take long for me to know who is nice
and who isn't," I said, fixing my angry eyes on her.
She had to look away, but with a short, little
laugh,
The bus arrived, and we boarded. I made my
way to the rear, where Bernie was sitting and
reading. He didn't even realize I was there until I
sat beside him.
"What are you doing on the bus?" he asked
with surprise.
I told him, and he shook his head.
"That's too bad."
"I hope she'll be all right," I said.
"Me, too. My mother's terrified of becoming
old," he said after a moment, "but not because
she might die. She's afraid of wrinkles and dry
skin and gray hairs. She's had two cosmetic surgeries
this year alone and"--he lowered his voice
to a whisper--"a tummy tuck. You look tired."
He studied me harder.
"lam."
We heard loud laughter and looked up front,

100

I CRYSTAL

Ie Helga and some of the other kids were
ing and gazing back at us.
Kben I first met Helga, I thought it would be
a have a friend. I never really had a close
^" I said. "I almost made a big mistake."
» woods are full of wolves," he muttered,
g at them. Then he turned to me. "I'll be
|plose friend if you like."
|yled. "Okay," I said.
(p.went back to his reading as if looking at me
jpainful now. I sat with my eyes closed and
^mt the chatter and the laughter until we
the school and the beginning of my

i nearly impossible to concentrate in class.
I't help wondering and worrying. At lunch-
Bemie escorted me to the pay phone arid
d as I called home. The phone rang and rang
^^arl's voice came on from the answering
Bne, asking the caller to leave a name and
Ser, time of call, and a brief statement of the
^purpose. It sounded more like the message
| office than at a house. I left my name.
tone's home yet," I told Bernie.
^thought a moment. "Well, thars good.
(lever's being done for her is still being done."
tttoie was a little reluctant about returning to
iafeteria to have lunch with me, but he agreed,
we sat together at a small table toward the
, From this position, we could see that many

101

V. C. ANDREWS
other students were looking at us and talking
about us.
"It feels like we're in a fishbowl," Bemie quipped.
He ate and read his science book/pausing occa
sionally to talk about something from our class
work.
I began to wonder if his kissing me was some
thing I had imagined. He showed so little interest
in me and actually jumped in his seat when our
arms grazed each other. Other girls who had
boyfriends sat closer to them, some practically on
their laps, laughing and talking to each other as if
there were no one else in the cafeteria. When the
bell rang to end the lunch hour, they walked off
holding hands. Bemie and I walked side by side
but clutching our books as if they were life vests
and we were oh the deck of a sinking ship. I saw
from the way some of the other girls looked at us,
whispering andgiggling, that we were already the
subject of very nasty jokes.
My next class was nearly half over when the
speaker on the wall clicked and a voice requested
that my teacher send me to the principal's office.
Everyone looked at me as I rose and left the room.
The principal's secretary told me to take a seat
and wait. A few minutes later, the door opened,
and there was Karl with Mr, Nissen. I didn't need
to hear any words. The expressions on their faces
toldall.
"I didn't want to take you out of school, Crys-
CRYSTAL
t, but Thelma is asking for you and thinks you
tould come right home with me," he said.
"Of course." I didn't know what else to say.
"Don't worry about your homework. I'll see to
sthat your assignments are sent to the house,"
aiNissen said.
"She won't be out that long," Kari assured him.
"Take whatever time she needs," Mr. Nissen
Id. "Please give Mrs. Morris my sympathies."
I realized I had left my briefcase, books, and
itebooks on my desk and had to hurry back to
t them. Everyone turned my way when I entered
Id went to my desk. Our teacher paused. I
thered up my books and put them into the
lefcase quickly.
"What are you doing. Crystal?" Mr. Saddler
feed.
1 went up to him. It wasn't the sort of thing I
mted to shout out. "I'm sorry, Mr. Saddler, but
have to go right home. My grandmother has

I4". ; ,' - :'
"Oh," he said. He looked awkward and con-
sed, like someone who had stepped onto ice.
X course. I'm sorry."
He waited for me to leave before he started the »ss again. As I walked toward the door, I looked
nerat Bernie. He nodded at me, his face as tight
id as serious as a doctor giving his patient's
ved ones hard news. I left quickly, the door
asing behind me softly, and then I hurried down

103

V. C. ANDREWS
the corridor to where Karl was waiting. We
walked out together, neither of us saying a word
until we were in his car.
"What happened?" I finally asked.
"The doctor said she didn't have much more
than fifteen percent of her heart muscle working
by the time she was .brought in. They did the best
they could. She lasted longer than they thought
she would. Thelma says that was because of you."
"Me?"
"She says her mother wanted to stay with us
longer so she could see you grow up in our family.
It's what she believes, and it's what makes it
sadder for her," he said. "I'm sorry that you've
had such a hard beginning with us," he added.
"How's Grandpa?" I asked.
Karl shook his head. "Fragile. I don't know how
he is going to last alone. As sick as she was,
Thelma's mother took good care of him," he said.
"What's going to happen to him?"
"As soon as I can, I'll start looking for a good
adult residency for him. We can't take him in with
us. We dotft have the room," he added.
If I hadn't come to live with them, they would
have the room, I thought. I felt just terrible about
it. Would Grandpa resent me? Would Thelma?
"I could share my room with him," I suggested.
"Of course you can't," Karl said. "Besides, we
can't give him the attention he's going to need.
Thelma's not good at looking after sick folk. If I
get a cold, she panics. Don't you get sick," he
CRYSTAL
amed. "Those damn shows put all sorts of ideas
iher head about this illness and that. Mention a
iin, and she'll give you an episode on Communi'
Hospital that fits it. No, don't worry about
randpa. I'll see to him," Kari promised. "With
iS insurance and retirement pension, he can
ford something decent."
That didn't make roe feel any better about it,
it I didn't say anything else. When we entered
ie house, I saw a glow coming from the television
st, yet as we drew closer, I didn't hear anything.
"We're back," Kari called, and stopped in the
wrway.
Thelma was sitting in her favorite chair, staring
the silent television screen, her face streaked
ith tears. She looked up at me, and her shoulders
took.
"Poor Grandma," she said. "She wanted to
ive a grandchild so much, and just when she had
ie, she goes and dies. It's so unfair. It's like ...
ce the electricity going off just at an important
irt in one of my programs."
"I'm sorry," I said, certain that her mother's
?ath meant more to her than a power outage. She
as just upset. "She was very nice. I was hoping to
st to know her a lot more."
"You poor dear. Now you have no grandmoth-
," she cried.
I didn't know whether or not I should run to her
de and hug her. She turned from me and stared
s thetelevision screen.

105

V. C. ANDRSWS
"Do you want something to eat, Thelma?" Kari
asked. He turned to me. "She hasn't eaten a thing
allday."
"I'U make you something, Mom."
Sh&smiled through her tears. "Maybe just some
tea and toast with a little jelly," she said. "And
then come and sit beside me for a while."
Kari and I went to the kitchen and got her tea
and toast together on a tray that I started to bring
back to her.
"Do you think you'll be all right here?" he
asked me before I returned to Thelma. "I have to
stop at the office for a few minutes."
"l^we'abefine/'Isaid.
s SSe told Thehna what he was doing, but she
didn't respond. She didn't turn from the silent
screen until I brought the tray to her and set it up
on the; coffee table. I watched her nibble the toast
and sip the tea, her eyes shifting with the move
ments of'the actors on the surface of the picture
tube. Keeping the sound off appeared to be her
gesture of mourning.
^The funeral is the day after tomorrow," she
said during the commercial. Her eyes still re
mained fixed on the screen, as if she was afraid
that if she didn't keep looking at it she would fall
apart. "Kari has everything arranged."
"Where's Grandpa?" I asked.
"He's home with some of their friends. People
about their age. He's more comfortable at home,"
she continued. She nibbled some more of her
CRYSTAL
toast and sipped her tea. "When you lose some- Done you love, you're better off being whew everything
is familiar, doing the things you're
^accustomed to doing. Grandma wouldn't want
line to miss my show," she added when the proram
continued.
^ I stared at her, and then I looked at the set. The
'characters were obviously screaming at each other;
H& an argument of some kind. What good was it
watching with the sound off? Tbelma shook her
Ihead as if she could hear thewords anyway.
fe"Isn't it better if we just talk. Mom?" I asked
Softly. 1" ' . - , . , . .
M'Talk? About what? Not about Grandma," she
iaid, shaking her head vigorously. "I don't want
|b talk about her dying. She wasn't supposed to
|Be," she said firmly, as if someone had rewritten
(script. "She wanted to watch her granddaughter
|row up. I told Kari we should adopt a child a long
Jtme ago. We shouldn't have waited to get you.
psw took at what's happened. It doesn't fit," she
|Sd. "It all doesn't fit."
y*We can't plan our lives like a soap opera is
Jttened, Mom. We don't have that power." I
tinted to add "yet," because I believed that
pttieday science would crack all the mysteries of
|?netics and a great deal about our lives would be
pfedetermined, but this wasn't the time to bring
|iat up, I thought.
She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about
" she said. "It's too sad." She looked at the
V. C. ANDREWS
television set. "You're never home for this one. I
told you about it, though. This is the one with the
daughter who has AIDS. Her parents are blaming
each other. See?"
I looked down at the floor. I was far from an
expert on mourning the death of a loved one.
Until now, I bad no loved ones. No death had ever
touched me deeply. Even when I read about my
real mother, it was more like reading a story about
someone else. I didn't have her face in my mind,
her voice in my memory. I couldn't recall her
touching me, kissing me, speaking to me. I had no
father, no grandparents, no relatives' deaths to
sa^aim, I never even had a close friend or someone
at one of the orphanages with whom I had
grown so close that I was saddened by their
passing or departure.
Being alone had its advantages, I thought. I
could only mourn myself. I need only be sorry
about myself.
Helga was right in a sense. I hadn't known my
new grandmother long enough to feel as deeply
about her death as most grandchildren would feel
about, the deaths of their beloved grandparents.
Shouldn't I be crying? Shouldn't I be in a corner
somewhere, sobbing? I wasn't sure about my own
feelings and actions. I wasn't even sure I should be
criticizing Thelma for what she was doing. Maybe
it was wrong to take away her distractions. Maybe
it was wrong to force her to face the reality other
mother's death.
CRYSTAL
I She finished her toast and smiled at me. "I'm
|lad you're here with me," she said. "I'm sorry
bu're missing class, though."
"It's all right. I'll get the work sent home.
lemie will probably bring it over later," I conjeeSored.

"That's nice. You can sit closer to me," she
Mggested.
e I moved closer, and she reached out and took
By hand. Then she turned back to the silent
elevision screen. I watched her face. The shadows
aid the light bounced off it, leaving her with a
feiule and then with a look of pity or disgust.
occasionally, she sighed or smacked her lips in
jriticism. I widened my eyes in astonishment. It
|as truly as though she knew what they were
|^ng.
pi wanted to ask her how she could watch the
low this way. I wanted to point out that the
pond was off, but I couldn't get myself to do it. It
ibs like telling someone what they saw wasn't
pl, that it was only make-believe.
phelma needed make-believe, I thought. Who
||s I to tell her she couldn't have it or she
Ijltuldn't believe?
yet her hold my hand tighter and sat beside her
jlsilence. '
; was the way Karl found us when he returned.
8
Trutli or Dare

$<SP

After dinner, Ashley and her mother, Vera, came
to offer condolences to Thehna. Ashley had all the
homework I had missed at the end of the day,
even from the classes Bernie and I shared. She
told me he had given it to her on the bus. I felt let
down because I had hoped he would bring it over
himself. Sometimes my eyes were like windows
with the shades up. Ashley took one look at me
and saw the disappointment.
"Bemie's really very shy," she said. "I'm probably
one of the few people he speaks to once in a
while, and that's only because I never make fun of
him. I think he's brilliant."
"He is brilliant," I said. I took Ashley to my
room while her mother visited with Thehna and
Kari.
"What was it like living in an orphanage?" she
CRYSTAL

ed as soon as we were alone: Was there anyone
o looked at me and didn't Wonder about that?
ere the adults cruel to you?"
It's not like an orphanage in a Dickens novel,"
lid.
What's a Dickens novel?"
Charles Dickens? A Christmas Carol? Tale of
3 Cities? Hard Times? Doesn't any of that ring
ell?" I followed with a frown.
Oh yeah," she said, but she still had a blank
kon her face,
What I mean is, it isn't like living with your
i family, having your own room, but you're
made to shovel coal or wash floors, and you
I't have to wear rags and eat gruel."
Gruel? Ugh." ;
You don't have to eat it," I emphasized. "I
>n't happy there, but I wasn't being tortured."
he nodded. "Helga says girls who live in or-
inages lose their virginity faster," she coni- rted. ' ' " '" ^ "' '"' ;'
What? Where does she get the right to make
ha stupid statement? How does she know
lot girls who live in orphanages?" I demanded. Ishley shrugged. "It's just what she says."
Well, for your information and for hers, it isn't
' I saw the way Ashley was staring at me. "I
en't lost mine," I added. "It sounds to me like
ga's losthers."
tShley laughed. "Sometimes I think she wishes
did. The way she chases after some of the

111

V. C.ANDREWS
boys, I mean. She told me she would let Todd
Philips do anything he wanted if he took her out."
"She said that?"
"Uh-huh." Ashley nodded, those big eyes even
bigger.
"She might be disappointed," I muttered.
"Why?" Ashley asked quickly. "I thought that
was the most wonderful thing that could happen."
"Who told you that?"
She shrugged again. "I just listen to what the
others say, especially those who've had sex and
brag about it in the girls' room. They make it
sound wonderful."
"Well, I wouldn't really know... I've nev
er ..." I was about to tell Ashley I'd never even
been kissed, but I didn't really trust that she
would keep that information to herself. "I've
never been one to kiss and tell," I said instead.
We talked a while about movie star kisses and
who we thought kissed best, and I could tell that
Ashley was as curious about what it would be like
to kiss a boy as I was.
After Ashley left, I began my homework, eager
to think about something other than boys. Before
Thelma and Kari went to sleep, he returned to my
room.
"Maybe you should, go to school tomorrow,
Crystal. There's really no point in your sitting
around here all day."
"Won't Thelma need me?" I asked.
CRYSTAL

ie thought a moment. "She'll sleep a lot/' he
d.
'Just the same, I think I'll stay nearby," I
ered.
Ie smiled. "Okay. You're probably right. It's
e to have someone else in the house who cares
?ut her," he added. I thought he might come
ther into my room and kiss me good night, but
stood there, nodding a moment longer, and
n he said good night and closed the door.
t takes time to become father and daughter, I
night, and with some it takes a lot longer.
Fhelma didn't rise as eariy as she ordinarily did
I next morning. Karl brought her some break-
t and then asked me to look in on her after a
ile. He said he was off to check on Grandpa
ore going to work. I offered to go along, but he
d he would have to bring me home afterward
1 that would add too much time to his being
ay from his office.
'You'd be surprised how the work piles up on
f" he said.
'Won't they understand at the company?" I
sedhim.
'No one supervises me more than I supervise
self," Kari replied. He nodded, his eyes in-
se. "That's the secret to being successful, Crys-
demand more of yourself than others do.
a're your own best critic, understand?"
'Yes," I said.
ie left, and I sat quietly, reading ahead in my
V. C. ANDREWS
history book, imagining what the next assignment
would be. A little over an hour later, Thelma
appeared in the living-room doorway. Her hair
was disheveled, her eyes bloodshot. Her skin was
ashen. She looked as if she had aged years in one
night.She had a half dozen tissues clutched in her
hand. Still in her nightgown, she shuffled across
the room in what looked like Kari's slippers and
plopped with a deep sigh into her favorite chair.
"Would you like something. Mom?" I asked.
She shook her head. "I don't like thinking about
my mother," she said softly. "It hurts. I wanted to
go to the phone to call her this morning like I
usually do before Shadows at Dawn. I actually
lifted the receiver before I remembered she was
gone."
She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "What can I
do?" she cried.
"We could talk. Mom. Sometimes it feels better
when you talk about what's bothering you," I
said. My counselors always used that line on me
when I was at the orphanages. There really was
some truth to it, however.
Thelma stared at me a moment. "I can't," she
said, shaking her head. "Every time I think about
her, Istart to ery. I can't. It's better not to think."
She snapped up the television remoteas if it were
a bottle of pills promising relief.
She turned on the television set and nipped
through the channels until she found a program
she liked. This time, she left the sound on, too.
CRYSTAL
? began to react to what she was watching,
ling, laughing, looking concerned. I had begun
ead again when I suddenly heard her say, "I
ad going to the funeral tomorrow. Why do we
e to have funerals?"
It's our last chance to say good-bye," I said,
n though I had never been to a funeral before
I the very thought of going put almost as much
rehension in me.
I don't want to say good-bye." She moaned. "I
e good-byes. I wish I could just sit here and
ch it on television. That way, if it got too sad, I
Id turn it on, turn to something else."
My psychologist at the orphanage always told
it's worse to avoidyour problems. Mom. It's
ter to face them and deal with them," I said
iy-
he stared at me a moment and then smiled.
»u*re so smart," she said. "We're lucky to have
, I will have something to eat. Could you make
Some scrambled eggs and toast?"
Sure," I said, getting up quickly.
And some coffee," she called as I started but.
ai she turned back to her program.
helma remained there most of the day, getting
only to go to the bathroom. I made her lunch
?11. She didn't talk unless she had a comment
cake about something she was watching. The
ilight other day began when her first soap was
After that, I might as well have gone to school.
1 called to see how she was and to tell me that

115

V. C. ANDREWS
he had someone taking care of Grandpa. I told
him what Theima was doing.
"Maybe she's better off," he said.
"I'm not doing much," I complained. I wanted
to add that he'd been right. I should have gone to
school.
"Wu're there. That's something,"he said. "She
probably wouldn't eat anything otherwise."
He was right about that, but I still felt more like
a maid than a daughter. I wanted to talk. I wanted
to hear Theima tell stories about her mother,
about what it was like being her daughter, the
things they had shared, their precious moments,
all that she would miss. I wanted to feel that I was
part of a family and not back in the orphanage
with strangers.
When Theima started to cry about what was
happening to a character on her program, I got up
and went to my room. How could she care so
much more about make-believe people? Was it
because it felt safer? The program ended, and you
didn't have to think about them anymore? Was
that it? But Theima seemed to think about the
characters constantly, not just when the show was
on. I couldn't make any sense of it.
A little while later, the doorbell rang. It was
Ashley and hermother again, only this time
Bemie was with them.
"Hi," I said, smiling mostly for Bemie's benefit.
"How's she doing?" Mrs. Raymond asked.

116

CRYSTAL
li^'She's beenwatching television, trying not to
link about it," I said.
s.;?*! don't blame her," Mrs. Raymond said.
|i**We brought all your homework," Ashley said.
Ifcad Bernie came along to help explain anything
|w" ' ' . I .
N-rhanks.", „ . . , ,. . , , , -„. -
H stepped back, and everyone entered. Mrs.
taymond went to see Thelma, and I took Ashley
Bd Bemie to my room. Bemie opened the math
bok and began to talk about the new problems
ttmediately. I listened and nodded when he
Sked if I understood.
|Ashley sat on my bed and watched us work.
fhen his explanations ended, Bemie sat at my
Bmputer.
iffSo when is the funeral?" he asked.
a the morning. There won't be many people
;, Karl's father isn't able to travel, and his
iier in Albany can't get away. His younger
her is at sea. None of Thelma's cousins are
ing. Some of my grandparents' older friends
' be there."
|SSAnd my mother will he there," Ashley said
Slickly. "She won't let me. She says I have to go
|schooL"
I^She's right," Bemie said. "School is more
laportant. Funerals are really unnecessary."
l"Unnecessary? How can you say that?" Ashley
Iked.
V. C. ANDREWS
"When someone dies, it's over. There's no
point in wasting any more time about it"
"That's a horrible thing to say," Ashley de
clared. "You have to pay respect."
"To what? The person's gone. You're better off
saying good-bye to a picture," he remarked. "I
hated going to my grandfather's funeral. There
was a big party afterward, full of people who
really never knew him. It was just an excuse for a
party."
"We're not haying anything afterward," I said.
"Good," Bemie said.
"That's cruel, Bemie Felder," Ashley charged.
"I'm just being realistic," he said. "When you
die, you return to some form of energy, and that
energy goes into something else. That's it."
"What else?" Ashley asked, her eyebrows
hoisted so high they were practically in the middle
of her forehead.
"I don't know. Maybe ... a plant or a bug."
"A bug! Crystal, you don't believe that, do
you?"
"I don't know what I believe," I said. "Some
times I imagine my real mother is with me, her
spirit, but then I think that's silly."
"It's not silly. It's beautiful," Ashley said. ^'I'm
not going to be any bug, Bemie Felder. Maybe you
are."
"Maybe," Bemie said casually.
"You don't care?"
CRYSTAL
"Why should I care? li wont know anything
different," he said, and Ashley groaned.;
"I swear," she said. "Scientists are the most
boring people. I hate the subject, especially experiments
with all those smelly chemicals and dead
iworms. Experiments make me sick." ;-
j: "I bet I can think of an experiment you'd like.
IBfow about an experiment to find out what kind of
lasses we like best?" I asked her, thinking she'd
J bluff.
stal!" she said, shifting her eyes to Bernie,
at kind of experiment?" he asked excit-

ie up an experiment that was almost like a
--judging the best kiss. He listened and
I without laughing, Ashley's face turned
ien I turned to ask if she was willing to join

resting," Bernie said. "I don't see how it's
cientific ..." He thought a moment and
>dded at me. "But I'd like to be part of it."
>d,"Isaid.
it?" Ashley cried. "Crystal, I thought you
st kidding!"
I't be chicken, Ashley," Bernie said. "It's
; we're doing anything serious--just kiss1
don't want to be judged against CrysI've
never kissed a boy before1^ she cried,
to me for help.

119

V. 0. ANDREWS
I wanted to make Ashley feel better and tell her
I'd never kisseda boy, either, but I wanted to keep
my inexperience from Bernie. "You*ll have to
swear to keep this a secret. You know what
someone like Helga would do if she found out."
Ashley looked at Bernie and then at me appre
hensively.
"Yovi'te not going to get pregnant or anything
like that," Bemie promised. "You're just going to
discover more about yourself, and it will be
knowledge that will make you wiser, stronger.
That's the purpose and power of knowledge."
"He's right," I said. "Okay?"
"Maybe," Ashley said. "I'll see," she added
cautiously, but I could tell she was almost as
intrigued about it as we were.
Bernie volunteered to set up what he called the
control procedures. He said we would be more
secure if we met at his house. With some reluc
tance, Ashley agreed.
"This is like playing doctor," she whispered to
me when we left my room.
"Did you everdothat?" I asked. She shifted her
eyes to Bemie and then to me.
"No," she said. "Did you?"
"No, but I wanted to," I admitted.
She took a small breath and said, "Me, too."
Then she hurried to join her mother and leave,
frightened by her own confession.
CRYSTAL
he funeral the next day was simple and took
time than I expected, probably because Kari
everything so well organized: After the church
ice, the undertaker's car took us to the cemes
Grandpa looked very fragile, clinging to the
of a special-duty nurse Kari had hired. Thel-
seemed like someone drugged, right from the
nent she woke and dressed. Whenever I
Łed at her, her eyes were unfocused and dis- ;. It was as if they were open but shut off, and
was not seeing or listening to anything that
t on around her. She had retreated into her
t mind. Maybe she was replaying one of her
vision programs.
arl led her about, moving everyone along
^ifully and efficiently. Some of the people from
bffice attended the church service, but at the
ietery, there were only two other elderly cou-
who had been friends with Thehha's mother,
father and the nurse, Thelma, Karl, me,
ley's mother, and the minister.
.really wasn't a good day for a funeral. It was
warm and bright with a nearly cloudless sky,
blue more like turquoise. At the cemetery, the
was filled with the aroma of freshly cut grass.
Is flitted from tree to tree, and squirrels frold
about the tombstones as if the entire ceme-
had been created for their solepleasure.
couldn't help wondering what my real moth-
funeral must have been like. I imagined

1.21

V. C. ANSKEWS
myself finding oat where she was buried and going
to visit her gravesomeday. What would I say?
Who would hear it, anyway? Was Bernie right?
Was there nothing left of us afterward, or did
something precious linger, something we didn't
understand, couldn't understand?
On the way home, Thelma finalty spoke. She
said, "Poor Mom, I hope she's not alone."
That was what Thelma was most afraid of, I
thought, being alone. For years, her television
programs had provided her with the families and
friends she never had in real life. They had filled
her life with distraction and kept her from think
ing about her own loneliness. Karl thoughtadopt
ing me would help, but I still didn't feel I was
giving them much, and I certainly didn't feel we
were a family. At least, not what I thought a
family would be like.
Grandpa came home with us to eat, but he fell
asleep in his chair after having only a few bites.
He looked as if he had shrunken and withered
with his sorrow. 1 hoped in my secret heart that
someday, somehow, I would find someone who
loved me as much. That, I thought; was the true
antidote to loneliness, the best cure of all.
Two days later. Grandpa had a stroke and was
taken to the hospital. He didn't die, but he was so
incapacitated Karl had to arrange for him to be
placed in permanent institutional care. Thelma
couldn't stand the thought of visiting him in such
surroundings.
CRYSTAL
"Why do we have to grow old?" She moaned.
t's not fair. Elena doesn't look a day older than
|adid When Ifast started to watch Shadows of
Wever. We should all live inside a television
IBgram." ''- - '.. ; ^ I : '
ICari shook his head helplessly and went back to I business magazine. I returned to my home*
b^and our lives continued as if we were three
l»dows searching for a way to become whole
|ul " .- . I .' ' ..:. ' . . .. I
l^e visited Karl's father, but it wasn't any more
ecessful a visit than the first one. He grew
Ipatient with Thehna's sad demeanor and
(tt*s criticism of his lifestyle and went off to be
th his friends. A few days later, Kart's brother
Hart finally drove over from Albany to meet me
id offer his sympathies to Thelma. He was taller
|l thinner than Karl, but he had colder eyes and
lard, chiseled face on which a smile settled only
Btingly. He asked me questions about school
|l?seemed uncomfortable when I spoke to him
J looked at him. I noticed he avoided my eyes
^didn't look directly at me whett he spoke to
I-.. . , ... .. -.1 .. .. ,1 - - .
(tkfter Stuart .left, Karl revealed that his brother
? almost become a monk. He said it was still
Ssible that one day he would.
S'teople make him nervous," he said. "Hecher"
|s solitude."
SHow does he work as a salesman, then?" I
Ned. "Salesmen have to meet people."
V. C. ANDSEWS
"He does most of his work over the telephone.
He's a telemarketer."
I was disappointed. I had been hoping my uncle
would be friendlier and more fun. I had even
imagined going to visit him in Albany. I corn'
plained about it to Bemie and Ashley the day
after.- ••- } •• ; -1 • ••• : ^•- •„/..-, .: - ,.. .^ •,
Ever since we had decided to be part of an
experiment, Ashley began to hang around with
me, and consequently with Bemie, more at
school. She sat with us at lunch.
"My biggest hope was that I would become part
of a real family," I said, "and have relatives with
parties and birthdays, anniversaries and wed
dings. All of it. Sometimes I feel more alone than I
was at the orphanage."
Ashley looked verysad for me, her eyes full of
pain, but Bemie sat musing for a moment as if I
had brought up a topic from science class.
- "Family is overrated," be suddenly declared
with that confident, realty arrogant air in which
he answered questions and made statements in
class. "It'&a myth created by greeting-card com
panies. People are too into themselves to be that
sort of thing anymore."
"That's terrible. My family isn't into them
selves," Ashley protested.
Bernie*s eyebrows nearly touched as he creased
his lips. "Your father is always traveling. You told
us that yourself a few days ago, and your mother is
terrified of becoming old, just like mine. Face it,"
CRYSTAL
; said, nodding at me, "we're not so much
ifferent from Crystal. No one really listens to us.
sually, we're in the way. At best, we're a mild
moyance."
"I'm not!"
"We're aU orphans," Bemie muttered. "We're
I searching for Something that's not there."
"That's not true. You don't believe that, Crys- 1, do you?"
"I don't know," I said. "I don't want to believe
tat, but I don't know."
Ashley looked terribly distraught, ready to get
? and run away. Then Bemie leaned in to
hisper. "Let's not worry about all that. Let'sget
» our experiment; I'm ready," he said. "My
5use tonight, about seven-thirty; Okay?"
Hooked at Ashley. Her face suddenly changed
from dark to light, her eyes shifting nervously as
w looked at me and then at Bemie.
^Fine," I said. "Ashteyr
"'Okay," she said in a small voice. "But I'm not
I orphan."
Benrie laughed. I hadn't heard him laugh that
trd before. It brought a smile to my face, and
eat made Ashley smUe, too.
Across the cafeteria, the other students who had
»en looking at us with disdain were nowsudaily
full of curiosity about us.
But nowhere near as much as we were about
irselves.

125

9

In the Name of
Science

^SP

This is a graph," Bemie began, holding up a
grid. "There's one for each of us."
Ashley and I sat on two chairs in his room while
he stood and lectured. Ashley said it felt as if she
were back in school. I asked her to be patient.
"This will be session one»" he continued, closing
and opening his eyes with annoyance. "We
will do the same things each session and rate our
reactions to them on a scale of one to ten, ten
being the most intense. Our objective is to determine
how kissing affects us, which kisses we like
best, and so on. Understand?" he asked. He did
sound and look like Mr. Friedman, our science
teacher.
"No," Ashley said, shaking her head. "It
sounds like gobbledygook. What does a graph
have to do with kissing?"
CRYSTAL

"The graph doesn't have anything to do with it.
KJust a way of recording reactions scientifily."
Bemie sighed with frustration. He looked
Bfte. "You see why I could never be a teacher?"
iernie shook his head, took a deep breath, and
urned to his chart.
§We'U meet here every night over the next week
|o," he said.
B, still don't understand what we're doing,"
|ley whined.
Intimately, we're going to see which kinds of
scs we like best, dry, quick pecks or long, wet
' ^* Bemie said a bit cruelly. "You have
ht about kissing a boy before, right? Just
ad I'mWhatever boy you're in love with this
and plant one on me."
iley sucked in her breath and held it. She
3 as if she might explode. Her eyes bulged.
I looked from me to Bemie and then started to
I tier head.
.won't do that," she said. She kept shaking
^sad.
»u're not going to sit there and tell us you've
thought about kissing a boy?" He was
| exasperated. "It's natural to think about

e couldn't get any redder, I thought, and I felt
fblushing as well. All this talk about kissing
faking me as nervous as Ashley.
fc very important that we're honest with one
r," Bemie emphasized. "In science, hon-

127

V. C. ANDREWS
esty is essential. We cant hide truth, and we can't
pretend. No one here is going to laugh or make
fun of anyone else, either. We're serious, and
we're going to be adult about it, right. Crystal?"
"Yes," I said, surprised myself at how clinical
Bemie made it all seem. It didn't even sound sexy
or mysterious. Which is how I always dreamed it
would be.
"Why is he the one telling us everything we
have to do?" Ashley complained.
"You asked me to help with this experiment,
and I've done it," Bernie said.
"I didn't ask. Crystal and I were curious about
kissing, and you butted in, right. Crystal?"
"Yes, but we need Bemie's help."
"You're going to do this?" she asked.
"Yes," I said, looking at Bernie, who seemed
more determined and purposeful than ever. "I'm
very interested, and I know we'll learn a lot more
about ourselves."
She glued her huge eyes to my face for a
moment.
"Well?" Bernie demanded.
"All right," Ashley said. "If Crystal's going to
do it. 111 try."
"Good," Bernie said. He walked over to his
door and locked it. Then he went to the windows
and closed all the blinds tightly. Ashley's eyes
followed his every move. He handed each of us a
graph.
CRYSTAL
'"The numbers at the side correspond to the
ctivities," he explained. "It wiU be easier if we
ast refer to them by their numbers. On the top as
bu see are the dates, beginning with today. As
Ing as we keep this scientific, we'll do fine," he
dded.
Hie went to a cabinet under his wall of shelves
ad opened it
I^What's that?" Ashley asked before he had a
nance to explain.
I^Ifs a digital blood-pressure cup, and it also
(lords pulse."
H^Where did you get that?" she asked, as if it
e some forbidden fruits
You can get these anywhere, Ashley. They sell
m in drugstores. It's no big deal," Bernie said.
isw, when you're aroused," he continued in his
atisfs voice, "your blood pressure should rise
1 your pulse, of course, will quicken. Let's take
blood pressures and pulses right now before
; do anything else, so we'll know what to consid^ormal
and what not, okay? Who's first?"
|"I'U start," I said, and Bemie fit the cup around
f arm. When I was done, he measured Ashley.
"You must be a little nervous," he said. "I
(ttldn't expect your pressure to be this high.**
He did his own, which was as low as mine,
IHow come you two are so calm?" Ashley
suspiciously. "Aren't you nervous,
ir'
V. C. ANDREWS
"No." It was true. Now that we were ready to
begin, I was more anxious than nervous to find
Out what it felt like to be kissed.
She looked skeptical. "Now what?" she asked.
Bernie sat across from us, crossed his legs, and
gazed at his notes.
"Now, we should kiss. Ashley, you want to go
first?" he asked.
Ashley popped up from her chair Bke a jack-inthe-box.
She fumbled with the door lock and ran
out before Bernie could ask her what she was
doing. Moments later, we heard the front door
slam.
Bemie and I looked at each other.
"I don't think she was quite ready for this," he
said with a smile.
"I think you did all that just to get rid other," I
said, finally beginning to understand why he had
been so clinical.
His eyes met mine as he tried to hide the truth.
"I knew she wouldn't be ready. Why waste time
with heiT'
"Why did you want to do this?" I asked. "Remember,"
I quickly followed, "honesty is essential
in science."
He started to smile and stopped to put on his
serious face again. "I've had different feelings
about you, different from what I've felt about
other giris, and I wanted to understand why," he
explained.
"So this is still an experiment?"
CRYSTAL
"Yes," hesaid. "What else could it be?"
I wanted to say it could be love; it could be
mance. I wanted to say that maybe we shouldn't
ssect our feelings, that maybe that would de- ?oy them, but I didn't say anything. I didn't
mt to drive him away, and there was anexcitepnt
that started as a small trembling in my legs
ft moved up my spine until my heartbeat quickie- , "Should
we get on with this?" Bemie asked. His
jp were full of anticipation and hope.
pace, at the orphanage, I had caught a girl
ped Marsha Benjamin in a very passionate
Jbrace with a boy much older than she. His
pie was Glen Fraser, and I remember being
Jaid of him, afraid of the way he looked at me. I
Ipoo young to understand why at the time, but
a I saw him attd Marsha kissing, his hand
|r her skirt, his body moving roughly against
^ forcing her to turn so that he could move
n her legs, I gasped first in fear and then in
hment. I started to run away but stopped,
to shut my curious eyes. The truth was, I
icinated with Marshals face, with the way
her head fell back, with her small moans,
ecially with her hands, first trying to stop
im happening and then, suddenly, appar- led with uncontrollable excitement, pull-
hand away from his to hold him behind his
if she were clinging to him for dear life.
' and saw me standing there, watching
V. C. ANDREWS

them. He didn't get angry. He smiled coolly and
said, 'There's room for one more."
I ran. I ran so hard and fast someone would
have thought I was being pursued by a monster.
'tears later, I would think the monster was inside
me. I wanted to conquer it, to be unafraid, and I
thought that would never happen until I was
fulfilled and loved by someone I could feel good
about. Now I wondered if Bemie could be that
person.
"Yes," I replied finally, "let's go on with it."
Bernie smiled, and then, as if he read my
thoughts, he said, "We'll go slowly, of course, and
if either of us is uncomfortable, we'll stop immediately.
That would only ruin the experiment,
anyway."
"Fine," I said, swallowing back the lump of
nervousness that tried to rise in my throat.
Bernie walkedover and began to kiss me. I
closed my eyes and let my mind drift, but I could
feel my heart pounding crazily, and I worried that
Bemie could feel it, too. I pulled away, and Bernie
slowly dropped his hands from my shoulders.
Bemie lifted his eyes slowly and gazed at me.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"Very nervous," I said.
'"you're the bravest girl I ever met I didn't
think you would do this," he confessed, and I
thought I heard a faint quiver of nervousness in
his voice.
CRYSTAL

;old you," I said, trying to sound brave, "I'm
crested as you."
nodded.
hat dowe do next?" I asked.
Tiy don't we try a French kiss? You know,
our tongues?" he said. "You tell me every-
(hat's happening to you, and I'll do the
okay?"
a»dded. I began to wish I'd left with Ashley,
knew it was too late to turn back how.
es, I was curious about Bernie and the way
ss had made me feel.
»dy?"
ss," I said. I looked up at the ceiling and then
a, and we both stood there.
; eyes drank me in from head to toe. I had
had a boy look at me the way Bemie was
i. It made my head swim.
y heart is pounding," he said. He began to
around me. "I'm nervous, and I'm afraid I
, dp something wrong,'* he admitted. He
led like someone reporting from outer
.--as if I weren't in the same room as him,
iencing the same feelings and emotions.
e, too." I wanted to be honest about my
ons, for the sake of the experiment, of
e." I ' -.- '., '. , '
hat?"
ferything you said," I said, my voice crack-
ay eyes closing as he walked around me. I

133

V. a ANDREWS
could fed His breath on my neck. A moment later,
he was in front of me again, only inches away.
"I'm going to close my eyes," he said, "and then
I'm going to try this French kiss thing, okay?"
He closed his eyes and kissed me.
I wasn't too sure I liked this kind of kiss. I felt
as if I could tell what Bemiehad had for dinner.
I'd seen kids kiss in school like this, and they
seemed to enjoy it, so I decided to try to like it.
After a while, my heart began pounding stronger,
and my hands started to feel sweaty. This time,
though, it was Bemie who stopped our, kiss.
"Wow." He shook his head as if he were trying
to clear the fog out. "Now I see what all the hype is
for." " ' ' ' ' .: , ^ ' " . ' , .
"Um.. .yeah, me, too." I couldn't help but
wonder if kissing all boys felt this nice,
"I think we should stop for tonight, but I
definitely want to try this again. As long as we
keep it experimental, of Course," he added.
"Experimental... of course," I answered, try
ing to keep the disappointment out of my voice. I
was never one of those girls who got all dreamy
when they talked about boys and kissing, but I
never thought it would be cold or clinical, either.
"F wonder if Ashley's going to tell her other
friends about this," he said.
"I'll make sure she doesn't."
"They'll make up stories about us anyway," he
said, holding his eyes on mine. "They probably
already have."
CRYSTAL
obably," I agreed.
sre was a long moment of silence between us;
e, it was as if we had fantasized the kisses
shared. It had all been so fast it was one
f memory. Only the graph in my hands with
;omments confirmed that I hadn't been
aing. : . '., .... --.
1 better get home," I said.
1 walk you." He smiled at my surprise. "I
think I could do any reading, concentrate on
ing, or go to sleep for a while anyway," he
ined.
iughed to hide what I was feeling, the same
anent still echoing in my body.
opened the door, and we started out. We
almost to <he door when we heard someone
aim the living room.
y mother," Bemie said under his breath.
ery elegant-looking woman, dressed as if she
mi her way to an important ball or just
ling from one, came toward us, her long
and-studded earrings swinging from her
, Her styled hair was nearly platinum, the
)s so perfectly shaped I wondered if she was
ng a wig. She was tall, with an hourglass
that seemed held together by .wires and
When she stepped out of the shadows and
closer, I saw that her face was so free of
ies it looked like a mask. Her temples were
pulling back on her eyes as if her skin had
k. Her nose was small, but the nostrils were

135

V. C.ANDREWS
a little too large. The pufimess in her lips made
her smile seem painful. It was more of a grimace.
The fingers of her left hand were full of rings.
She looked like a walking jewelry store with her
diamond necklace, hairpin, and bracelets. I thought
she might have taken a bath in expensive perfume.
The scent arrived days before she did.
"Who's this, Bernard?" she asked.
"A friend," he said quickly.
"Why don't you introduce me? You've never
had a friend over before, and especially not a
female friend," she said, her eyes fixed on me.
"This is Crystal," he said. "Crystal, my
mother."
"Hello," I said quickly.
"Crystal who?" she asked without replying.
"Crystal Morris," Bemie said. "She was just
going home."
"Morris? Which Morris is that? Charlie Morris
from the advertisement agency?"
"No," Bemie said. "I'm walking her home." He
practically lunged at the front door and opened it.
"It's nide to meet you," his mother said as I
started after him. "It's about time Bemie brought
someone home," she added. She looked as if she
could shatter her face by changing expression too
rapidly. I gazed back at her once and then hurried
to catch up to Bemie, who was already out of the
house.
He closed the door behind me and nearly
jogged down the walkway.
CRYSTAL
aybe we shouldn't have run out like that,
e," I said, catching up. He walked faster.
1 she wants me to do is have girlfriends,
to rock music, and dress like some teenage
; or television star," he muttered. "Look at
he said, stopping and gazing back at his
. "If that was your mother, would you want
ie to meet her? She just likes to embarrass
He started walking again. "'It's about time
?rought someone home,'" he mimicked.
ccially a female friend.'"
te's probably just worried about you," I
d.
>, she's not. She's worried about herself,
what it will look like if I'm not a so-called
al young man. Let's not talk about it. It just
w angry,"he said.
walked silently until we reached my house,
i an overcast night, and there was a chill in
r. Our breath could be seen in vague little
Neither of us was really dressed warmly
h. , ... ,,. , -- .
Ht hold onto these," he said at the door. He
sd me the graphs. I hadn't noticed them
led in his hand.
& should probably just leave them in your
"I said.
shook his head. "Sometimes, when I'm in
t» she goes into my room and searches it,
ig for something bizarre. I deliberately left a
(ed frog reeking from formaldehyde on the

137

V. C. ANDKEWS
table one morning, and she stayed away for a
while, but she still spies on me from time to time.
I don't want her finding these papers," he said.
"She would never understand."
"Okay," I said, taking them. I was certain Kari
and Thelma wouldn't understand, either, but I
wasn't ready for our experiments to end.
"Good night." He hesitated. "I really enjoyed
our experiment," he said. "I'm looking forward to
tomorrow." He turned to leave and then stepped
back to kiss me quickly on the cheek again.
I stood there with my hand on my cheek,
watching him disappear up the sidewalk. Then I
went inside, my brain whirling, a potpourri of
emotions making me dizzy. Kari was still up, but
Thelma had gone to bed.
"She was very tired tonight. She kept falling
asleep in her chair, so I got her to go to bed," he
explained. "How are you doing?"
"Okay," I said.
"Good. Well, the worst is over," he declared.
"Now we'll return to a normal life."
What is a normal life? I wanted to ask. Was it a
life full of loneliness and fear? Was it a life in
which we ignored each other? Thelma wasn't all
that different from the day I had arrived. Instead
of returning to the real world because of me, she
continued to work at getting me to join her in
make-believe. Kari remained steadfast and loyal
to his organizedschedule. I had met many new
kids my age, but many of them seemed even more
CRYSTAL
oubled than I was, and they had always had
anilies'
"I'm going to sleep, too," I said. "Good night."
"Good night. See you in the morning," he
tiled, his eyes still following the words on the
age of the magazine in his hand. .
I went to my room and got ready for bed. After I
ipped under the covers, I leaned back on my
illow and reached for the graphs. I knew what I
ad written on mine, but I didn't know what was
a Bernie's.
His numbers were as high as mine, but what he
tote on the bottom drew my interest.
I have never been strongly attracted to anyone
Us way before. I wonder if this means Crystal is
fecial or if it is a natural reaction to kissing a
'Wtygirl.
"Most everyone else, I thought, would think
hat he wrote was very strange, but I knew this
^ the only way Bemie could say "Move you."
?For now, it would have to do.
1 had great hope for tomorrow.
Tonight, for once, it was easy to close my eyes,
ream, and fall asleep.

139

10
Hearty Desire

Ashley looked frightened when I confronted her at school the next day. Bemie had been afraid that
she would go around spreading stories about us,
but instead, she was afraid we would spread
stories about her.
"Did you stay?" she asked me in a whisper
when we met at our lockers in the hallway. She
checked to be sure no one could overhear our
conversation.
"Yes," I said.
"And did you do it?" she quickly followed.
"Of course," I said, slamming my locker shut
and starting for homeroom. She trailed along like
a puppy tugged on an invisible leash.
"What happened?" she gasped.
I stopped and spun on her. "If you want to
know so much, why didn't you stay?"
CRYSTAL
"I couldn't," she said, her face looking as if she
wuld break into hysterical Sobs any moment.
"Did you tell anyone? Helga, for example?"
^She shook her head so vigorously I thought her
yes would rattle.
"Good," I said, continuing on to homeroom.
lie remained beside me, step for step, until she
|w Bemie, and then she lowered her head and
isnt to her seat.
Bemie looked at her and then at me, his eyes
all of questions. I indicated it was all right, and
ie relaxed his shoulders. He didn't speak to me
Itttil we were passing to our first class. When he
pproached, Ashley stepped away again.
"I can't meet you for lunch today," he said. "I
^omisedto help Mr. Friedman set up his equipment."

"Okay," I said quickly.
} "Is everything all right?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Then you'll be at my house the same time
?night?"
I paused, and he searched anxiously for the
nswer in my eyes.
"We'll move on down the chart," he added.
"I'll be there," I said. We walked on to class. At
inch, Ashley couldn't wait to join me.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?" she
sked as soon as she put her tray on the table and
ipped into the chair beside me.

141
V. C.ANDREWS
"We only kissed twice," I remarked, my voice
as coldly factual as could be.
"Only two? Why just two?"
"It's hard to explain it to someone who wasn't
there," I said, "but it was all very scientific.
Nothing bad happened."
She actually looked disappointed. "Did you like
kissing him?"
"No. I mean yes. I mean ... listen, I can't talk
about it like this," I said sharply. "It makes it
sound dirty."
She nodded as if she understood. "I'm not
trying to make fun of you, Crystal. It's different
for you and Bemie," she said sadly. "You're both
so smart. I felt like I didn't belong there with you
two, and I was frightened. If you ever want to tell
me anything, I promise I'll listen and keep it all to
myself."
I saw that although she couldn't be part of our
experiments, she wanted to feel as though she was
special, as though she was in on it and had
clearance to know top-secret things. Ashley is still
a little girl, I told myself. For her, this is all still a
game, like "you show me yours, and I'll show you
mine." However, if I drove her away, she could
turn on us and might spread stories.,
"Okay," I promised. "I'll tell you stuff when
there's something to tell, when there are real,
scientific conclusions."
She smiled. "Can you come over to my house
Friday night and have dinner with me and my
I CRYSTAL
t
laaother?" she asked. "My father is still away on a
Business trip," she added before I could ask. From
|the way she spoke about him, I understood that he
jyasaway almost as much as he was there. "Maybe
|you can help me with my math for the big test
Iftextweek."
it "I'll ask my parents," I promised. She beamed,
| I understood that Ashley wasn't very popular
||nd was rarely invited to anything. The other girls
|treated her as though she was socially below them,
|an outsider because of her size and timidity.
jDespite what had occurred at Bernie's house, I
was rapidly becoming her best friend. She looked
up to me and liked the fact that although the other
^giris weren't necessarily friendly, they were not
sanxious to challenge me head on, either. 'Years of
institutionalized life had hardened my outer shell, perhaps. I was certainly unafraid of girls liice
^lelga, back-stabbers who gossiped about you in
jhe girls' room but shut right up when you were
face-to-face with them. They had so many misconceptions
about orphans. If they wanted to
believe r was capable of scratching their eyes out,
let them, I thought. Long ago, I learned that if I
couldn't have another girl or boy like me for who I
was, it was better they feared me. At least then
t was safe.
' As the school day drew to a close, I felt excite1ment
building inside me like distant thunder on
the horizon. Every once in a while, a small jolt of
electricity shot through my heart. My stomach

143
V. C. ANDREWS
sizzled and didn't stop. I could barely eat dinner.
How far would we go onBernie's chart? When I
gazed at the pages alone in my room, they felt like
fire in my hands. The heat traveled up my arms
and swirled around my heart. Looking at myself
in the mirror, I saw how flushed my cheeks were
and how charged my eyes appeared. Would Kari
-take one look at me and understand? Would
Thelma, whose daily dose of passion through the
television set could choke Venus?
"Are you feeling all right tonight. Crystal?"
Kart did ask at dinner.
Thelma looked up anxiously.
"Yes," I said. "I'm just a little concerned about
my first math exam."
"Oh," Thelma said with a laugh. "You'll probably
get a hundred. Won't she, Karl?"
"She'll do well," he agreed. "Being nervous
about your tests is all right as long as it doesn't
interfere with your performance. It's the students
who don't worry about their tests who do the
worst. You're a truly self-motivated young lady,
Crystal. We're very proud of that, aren't we,
Thelma?"
"What? Oh, yes, we are, dear. The other parents
are going to be so jealous of us," she added
happily. "Your school grades were one of the first
things Karl considered, right, Karl?"
"Yes, they were," he admitted.
I gazed at both of them and thought for a
I CRYSTAL
lenient. If I had received Cs instead ofA's, they
Ouldn't have adopted me. It didn't seem right
ttnehow to base so much on test results, cer- Bbly not when it came to making someone your
tughter. If my grades fell off, would they give me
I*? - :
?*Ashley Raymond asked me if I would have
Saner with her and her mother this Friday," I
jail. "Would that be all right?"
^Actually," Kari said, "that would be perfect I
|n't think well be back in time for dinner. I was
Nng to have Thelma prepare something for you
^heat up."
j'^Back in time? Where are we going, Kari?"
pielma sounded confused.
"Don't you remember, Thelma?" he asked
iftly. "We have an appointment with the doctors
ttd administrator at the clinic concerning your
tther's condition. He's going to have to be moved
? another facility where he can get more round- ne-clock attention."
;, "I hate doing those things," she muttered.
IPan't we just phone them?"
."No, dear. There are papers to sign. It won't
ake that long." He smiled at me. "Thelma
loesn't like to remember sad things. With the
ime it takes to go to the home and back, I didn't
want you waiting on us for dinner. Crystal."
"Maybe she can go with us, Karl?"
"You just heard her say Ashley invited her to

145

V. C. ANDREWS
dinner, Thehna. Let herget to know otherchildren
her age," Karl declared, "You want her to
have friends, don't you?"
"Yes," she said in a small voice. Ever since her
mother's death, she seemed to be even more
withdrawn and afraid of real life. I thought if she
could crawl right into the television set or into a
book, she would.
"That's settled, then," Karl said.
Thehna started to eat again and then stopped.
"You know what's on tonight. Crystal? To and it's a brand-new story," she
said.
"I'm studying for my math test with Bemie
Felder," I said. It wasn't a total lie. I expected
Bemie and I were going to do some of that.
"Oh. Well," she said, thinking, "maybe I'll tape
it for you to watch with me later this weekend,
okay?"
"That would be nice," I said, and she looked
satisfied.
Karl stared at me with troubled eyes. F avoided
his gaze and finished my dinner. After helping
Thehna with the dishes, I "went to my room,
gathered my books, and stuck our graphs into my
notebook. Thehna was already involved in a
television program. Karl was settled in his chair,
reading the Wall Street Journal.
"Don't be too late," he called when I went to
the front door.
"I won't." I took a deep breath and went out.
CRYSTAL
lit was a clear evening, the stars looking some*
Hw bigger, brighter. The street was quiet,but the
ladows looked deeper and longer, and my heart
Bed my ears with a thumping so loud I didn't
ear any cars go by. When I reached Bemie's front
t?or, I felt as if I had floated to it. My finger
sembled against the door button. I heard it ding
iside, and moments later, Bemie opened it.
|*Hi," hesaid.
pHL" I stepped in, half expecting to see his
KOther, too, but as usual, his house was quiet.
| ^No one's home," he said quickly, and followed
tat with a conspiratorial smile. "Don't worry.
fcBfi'e riot going to be interrupted."
tethought we might study a little for the math
|i too," I said.
USure, but it's going to be easy. Mr. Albert's
K-tests always are. He likes to give everyone the
ling they can do well. False hope," he quipped
we walked to his room. As soon as we entered,
idosed the door and then turned to me. "Did
tiaing the graphs back?"
Sss»" I said, taking them out of the notebook
banding them to him»
• gazed down at them as if he had forgotten
fcwas written.
>d," he slid, and looked at me. "Are you
•I hesitated, and he looked worried. "You
fcwantto go on with the experiment, don't
r . .^- ^ • . .
IISui'e, sure I do." I wanted to tell him how
K. 147
V. C. ANDREWS
much I'd been thinking about our kisses, but I was
afraid he wouldn't want th continue if I wasn't
serious about the experiment.
I couldn't help but hope that for Bernie too. Our
experiment was more than just a scientific test.
Bernie's kiss started off sweet like the first time,
but soon he became more insistent, forcing me to
kiss him deeper and longer. These sorts of kisses
made me nervous, but not in the good, special
way I'd felt before. As Bernie pressed his lips and
then his body against mine, I couldn't help but
feel that he wanted to do more than just kiss.
Pushing him away, I took a step backward.
"Bernie, stop, we need to take breaks to write
down our results." I hoped I sounded calm; inside
I felt as if my heart would break from beating so
quickly.
"Aw, come on. Crystal, it was just starting to get
interesting." He stepped toward me and reached
out to put his hands on my shoulder.
"Bernie, no, I'm not comfortable with this." I
turned away and walked toward his desk. I
grabbed my chart and started to write down my
results, but my hands were shaking so badly I
couldn't do much more than scrawL
"Crystal, I don't understand. Did I do some- thmg wrong? Don't you want to continue with the
experiment?" Bemie soundedton-t, and although
I knew we had to stop this, I4idn'twant him to
think I didn't like him.
"No, Bernie, it's nothing like that. It's just
t CRYSTAL
iat. .. this is starting to feel like more than an
iperiment... and I don't think I'm ready for
i»t." I hoped he would appreciate my honesty.
SfWell, fine, Crystal. I guess you're just like
»hley .. .too scared to do anything adult, even
| the name of science!" He stormed to the
Bdroom door. "I cant believe you're acting like
ris is something ., .something wrong or dirty or
Hatever. You're obviously way younger than I
tought. I think you'd better leave. Crystal. And
jfsft bother coming back."
|As I ran out of Bemie's house, tears streaming
|wn my face, I couldn't help but feel I was wrong
(inave ended our experiment. I wanted to be able
| return. Beimie was my friend. I didn't mean to
lake him feel we'd done something dirty. In fact,
as beginning to think there was something
sial between us, that what we were doing
mt something. And I hoped maybe Bemie
aght that, too. Now I guess I'd never find out
r he really felt about me. If his thoughts were
ie when we were kissing... or if he was really
/ thinking of charts and graphs;
||Xaybe Thelma was right—it was much easier
|be involved in someone else's life on TV than it
far to be involved in your own real life.
Stemy house, I stopped and sat on a lawn chair
(Reatch my breath. I didn't want to go inside
6king and feeling as I did. They would wonder
Iky I was home so soon, anyway. Before Bernie, I
Ought, I had never had a boy even try to kiss me.
y ^o
V. C. ANDREWS
The night air chiUed me. I embraced myself and
rocked back and forth. I couldn't throw off the
bad feelings.
How hard it was to get-someone to love you in a
way that made you happy, I thought, hut how
desperately we wanted it and needed it. Suddenly,
Thelma didn't seem as silly and distracted to me
as I had believed. She only wanted to be loved as
much as the characters on her soap operas were
loved.'- .-• .. ;,' •• •:. ^ '. : • . '. : . ^" . ..
Kari and Thelma looked up when i entered.
"Homeso soon?" Karl asked.
"There wasn't much to study." I gazed at the
television set *'So I thought I would come home
and watch the program with Momr"
"Really?" she cried.
Kari looked at me suspiciously, his eyes nar
rowing.
"Everything all right?" he asked.
- "%s." . •• . :-. • •. .:.. . • • , :
"Why wouldn't everything be all right?" Thel
ma demanded. "She's home to watch the show
with me. That's alL" ;
She absolutely glowed. Her eyes were bright
with happiness.
"Yes," I said. "Yes, I am."
"You're just in time," she said, and made a
place for me beside her.
11
Shattered
Dreams

emie was waiting by my locker in the morning.
lanced at him and went right to unlocking my
Bibination lock.
Tm sorry," he said. "I think we just went too
it on the chart. Can't we try again?"
*No. I think we were right yesterday. Let's wait
d see what happens naturally." I hoped I
faded more sure of myself than I felt.
I'lfou're the only person I would have ever done
b with," he said sadly, turned, arid walked
hy.
Ntthley was watching from across the hall. She
rried over to me.
*My parents said I could come to your house
idinner Friday night," I said. Her eyes bright-
id like Christmas tree lights. "Don't ask me any

151

V. C. ANDREWS
other questions," I said sharply. "Not a single
one."
She took one look at my face and nodded.
Bernie wasn't there at lunch, and he avoided
looking at me in class. I put all my concentration
into my schoolwork, driving every other thought
from my mind, Ashley was so afraid of my demea
nor, she walked and sat quietly beside me all day,
becoming talkative only after the final bell, when
we were on our way to the bus.
"I'll tell my mother you're coming. After we eat
and study our math, maybe we can listen to some
music. I bought two new CDs this week. Do you
like Timmy and the Grasshoppers?"
"I never heard of them." I turned to look at her.
"I rarely listen to rock music."
"Oh," she said softly.
I sighed deeply. "But maybe I should . be
brought up to date. Sure," I said. "We'll listen to
some music."
"Great."
She bounced ahead of me onto the bus. Bemie
was in the rear in his usual seat already. He kept
his eyes on his book. I took a seat in the middle,
and Ashley got in beside me.
"Aren't you two becoming the cozy ones?"
Helga quipped as she walked past.
"Jealous?" I asked with a cold smile.
"Of what?" she shot back, glancing at her
friends for the applause she expected in their eyes.
CRYSTAL
intelligence, personality, charm, wit, in
everything you're missing," I fired back.
ier mouth opened and closed as she searched
I some proper response, but the kids behind her
g|the aisle shouted for her to move along, and she
|jH twisted her shoulder and tossed back her hair.
^'You're not afraid of anyone, are you?" Ashley
teed with a voice full of admiration.
| thought. "Yes," I said.
pWho?" she wanted to know.
pMyself," I said.
|0f course, I knew she wouldn't understand. It
Inild be years before she would.
^The next two days were much the same. I put
|9St of my attention and energy into my school-
|^rk, my first term paper, my first big set of
lams. At night, I took some time to watch
Stevision with Thelma, and she and I began to
kik about other things. I learned more and more
bout her own childhood, her dreams and disappintments.
Kari looked pleased and came up
|th the plan for us to take a weekend holiday in
fcontreal, in Canada, in two weeks. That made
hehna even happier, and I began to believe that
taybe we could be a real family after all.
|Qn Friday, after school, I returned home,
banged, did some of the schoolwork I wanted out
IF the way, and then walked over to Ashley's
mse. Her mother was very happy to see me. I
Us actually embarrassed by all the attention. No
he, not even Thelma, was so attentive, fawned

153

V. C. ANDREWS
over me so much, and worried that I wouldn't like
what she was preparing for dinner, concerned that
she had what I liked to drink and what I liked for
dessert.
"How often is your father away like this?" I
asked Ashley when we were alone in her room
after dinner. The empty chair at the head of the
table was conspicuous. It gave me an eerie feeling,
as if a ghost were sitting there. Whether out of
habit or just to keep the table looking balanced,
Ashley's mother placed a setting at the head of the
table:
"Almost every other week these days. They fight
a lot about it," Ashley revealed. "Last week, my
mother accused him of having another family."
"Does he have to work like that?"
"He says he does," she replied sadly. "I feel
sorry for her. She's alone so much."
I nodded sympathetically. So many of the kids I
had met in school who had families were just as
lonelyas I had been. In various ways, their homes
and lives were shattered and held together by the
weakest glue, and although they didn't live in an
institutional setting as I had, they often wore the
faces of orphans, faces that revealed their loneli
ness, a longing for more affection and love, their
eyes searching the faces of their friends, looking to
see if anyone had more.
I went to Ashley's math book and helped her
understand our newest assignments. She seemed
to understand.
CRYSTAL
|You should be a teacher," she said. "You're
Bfer than Mr. Albert."
HHardly." I laughed.
life were about to listen to music when we heard
Iphone ring. Ashley paused. I could see she was
|ing it was her father calling from wherever he
. She was practically holding her breath. That
why we both heard her mother cry out so
riy.
Oh, no! When?" she screamed.
shiey's eyes were flooded quickly with fear.
Bments later, her mother came to the door of
Ney's bedroom. I glanced at Ashtey's face. She
Is nearly in tears, anticipating the worst.
1-Crystal," Mrs. Raymond said, turning to me
pead. "There's been a terrible accident. Do you
Ifcow your uncle Stuart's number in Albany?"
|*rm sure if s in my father's Rolodex," I said.
1'H go look it up." I ran from the room before she
feld tell me another thing. My heart was pound- Ig so hard that my legs felt like rubber. I nearly
Ipped at the front door. Outside, I broke into a
»St. Tears were already blurring my vision. What
*rt of an accident? What did it mean?
> I charged into my house and down the hall to
.art's den. After I found Uncle Stuart's telephone
umber, I took a deep breath, unable to swallow
own a lump in my throat that threatened to
doke off my air.
Nevertheless, I ran out again and back to Ash-
y's house. I went in and thrust the telephone

155

V. C.ANDREWS
number at her mother as if I were a relay runner
passing the wand. She took it slowly, her eyes on
me, filled with tears. She told us she'd explain
after she'd talked with Uncle Stuart and asked us
to wait in the living room. I left the room with
Ashley, but lingered outside in the hall. I just
couldn't wait any longer to hear what had hap
pened.
Ashley looked scared but moved down the
hallway to be near me. We looked at each other
andthen turned as Mrs. Raymond began to speak.
"Stuart," she said, "this is Vera Raymond,
Thelma's friend. Yes. yes, I'm fine. Stuart, a friend
of my husband's in the police department here
just called me. There's been a terrible accident. A
car accident. Kari and Thelma ... both of them
have been killed, Stuart. I'm so sorry," she said.
Ashley stifled a cry with her fist in her mouth. I
shook my head at her.
No, that's not true, I thought Karl's too good a
driver. He's the most careful driver in the world.
They're too young to die.
"Yes, it happened today, just a few hours ago. A
drunk driver in a pickup truck crossed the median
to their side of the highway. They had no chance.
I'm sorry."
Pickup truck? A drunk driver? For a moment, it
was like eavesdropping on someone else's life. I
felt I was watching and listening to one of Thel
ma's shows. It was make-believe, fantasy, some
serial show. Boy, is Thelma going to be angry
CRYSTAL
ut this one, I thought. Just when she got so
ched to the characters, they write them out of
show. I shook my head.
shiey was staring at me in the strangest way.
looked frozen in time, a wax figure of fear.
yes," Mrs. Raymond said quietly. "She's with
What do you want to do?"
here was a silence, and my mind raced with
it Stuart could be telling her. What would
pen to me? Would I be sent back to the
tianage?
I understand, Stuart, but what do you want me
o in the interim? Really? All right. I'll find out
take care of it," she said. "I'm very sorry,
ut. It's hit me so hard, I'm having trouble
M-bing it myself. I'm sorry."
he hung up and slowly walked out into the
way. From the look on her face, I could tell
: she was startled to see me standing there but
a little relieved that she didn't have to explain
tragedy all over again.
Pm sorry. Crystal," she said. "It's so horrible;
sorry, honey."
Pve got to go home now," I said. "I promised
mother I wouldn't stay out too late. They like
to be there when they return."
No, honey, listen to me."
rhank you so much for dinner, Mrs. Ray-
id. Thanks, Ashley. I'll call you. Thanks," I
i, and rushed to the door.
Crystal!" Mrs. Raymond shouted, but I was

157

V. C. ANDREWS
out the door again, running hard this time until I
was gasping for breath at my front door. I charged
through and shouted.
"Fmhome!"
The silence greeted me. It was like being in
Bemie's house. I stood there with my hand on my
side, breathing hard, listening.
That was just some show, I kept telling myself.
Ashley's mother is like Thelma. She loves her
shows, too. I bet I know which one it was, I
thought. I laughed. Sure, I told myself, I bet I
know.
When the doorbell rang, I was sitting in Thelma's
chair watching television. I ignored it, and it
rang again and again. Someone started to pound
on it. A voice threatened to break it down. The
doorbell rang again. There was more pounding.
When the commercial came on, I rose and went to
the door.
A man and a woman were standing there. The
man was in a suit and tie. He wore glasses and
carried a small briefcase. The woman was short
and wide in the hips. She had dark brown hair cut
in a shorty straight style. I could smell the child
welfare agency on them. They had the look.
"Hello, Crystal. My name's Mr. Kolton, and
this is Ms. Thacker. We're here to help you," he
said.
"I can't go anywhere yet," I said. "My show is
still on."
"What?" he asked.
CRYSTAL
"I'm watching something on television, somehing
Thelma would watch and want to know
Kbout later when she returns. She forgot to set up
fee video recorder."
They looked at each other, and the woman
ihook her head.
"You're going to be all right," the man said with
In institutional smile. To me, it looked as if they
|?ere both wearing familiar masks, masks I had
|een all my life.
"I don't know that yet,'1' I said. "We have to
ivait for the ending."
I left them standing in the doorway and reurned
to the television set. They came in. The
woman sat with me while the man made some
alls. A few hours later, I was in the rear of their
tar, heading back to the lair of the monster, the
(ystem, the only real mother and father I had ever
mown.

259

V. C. ANDREWS
"Maybe you would like to move in with me," I
said dryly.
She just glanced at me and then smiled with
that syrupy look of understanding I hated and
continued to look out the window.
"There are other girls your age here, and the
school system you'll attend is one of the best,"
Mr. Kdtonsaid. ^
"How do you know that?" I queried. He
glanced back at me and kept driving without
replying.
"Crystal does well wherever she goes to
school," Ms. Thacker said. Mr. Kolton laughed.
"She'll probably end up tutoring the other kids
here, won't you. Crystal?"
I didn't reply. I stared out the window, but I
wasn't looking at my new home. My thoughts
were back at the funeral I had just attended.
Ironically, Kari had been right in planning it all
before his and Thehna's deaths. The agency had
decided I could attend the service even though
Kari and Thelma had not completed the adoption
process. Their family members all offered me
their condolences and then guiltily explained that
they had no place for me. Kari's brothers couldn't
take me in. His father and Thelma's father were
incapable of being guardians, and Thelma had no
relatives who were interested.
Ashley and her mother were at the funeral, as
were Uncle Stuart and some people from Kari's
office. Before the ceremony ended, I looked back
CRYSTAL
nd saw Bernie standing near a tree, watching.
ifter the final prayers were said, I headed toward
ie car with Mr. JSolton and Ms. Thacker. Ashley
in up to hug me and to promise she would write
ie if I would write her. I nodded. I bated prom- ses. They were like those balloons I had seen
rifting in the wind. They had shape until the air
scaped, and then everyone forgot them.
I Bernie stepped out from the tree, and I stopped.
"I thought you didn't approve of funerals," I
lid.
,"I don't, but I wanted to be here for you."
"What's that, step seven?" I asked.
He looked down,
"I'm sorry," I said. He looked up at me. "We
ere both wrong. We both should have just said
'bat we felt and not used any disguises."
, He nodded.
"I guess we did learn something important,
ien,"hesaid.
"Yes-Iguesswedid."
I got into the car. He stood there and waved as
e drove off.
I could still see him standing there now. I
linked and woke to the present as Mr. Kolton
Fought the car to a stop in front of the big house.
hey got out my things, and we walked inside. A
oy and a girl, not older than ten or eleven, were
laying a board game on a big table. They looked
p with curiosity, A door opened at the rear of the
all, and a tall woman with her shoulder-length

163

V. C. ANDREWS
brown hair swinging loosely about her face came hurrying out to greet us. Although she had a
pretty face and bright blue eyes, the wrinkles in
her forehead and at the corners of her eyes were
deep enough to cause me to think she was older
than she first appeared.
"Hello," she cried with excitement. "I was in
the kitchen and didn't hear you drive up. I suppose
this is Crystal. Hi, Crystal. Welcome to the
Lakewood. This is going to be a real home. You'll
see. You have a nice roommate, too. Her name is
Janet, and she's the sweetest little girl. She's shy,
but I bet you'll get her to be more outgoing. They
tell me you're very smart," she said. "We sure
could use some help in that department," she told
Mr. Kolton. He smiled. I thought she would never
stop talking. "Although my kids usually do well.
We insist they do their homework before anything
else. There are rules here, but good rules. Oh, I
forgot to introduce myself. I'm Louise Tooey,"
she said, holding out her hand.
I took it to shake, but she held onto mine and
patted it.
"I know you're a little frightened about being in
a new place, but this is a special place. It was once
one of the most popular tourist houses. It's really
a very warm place, full of fun. You'll see. Anyway..."
"Go on!" we heard someone shout.
A boy about fourteen came Charging down the
Stairway. His face was full of fear. Above him, a
CRYSTAL
all man with a wooden face towered above us all.
He had thick shoulders and long, muscular arms,
3?ne of which had a tattoo on the forearm.
> "Gordon," Louise said, nodding at Mr. Kolton
»nd Ms. Thacker. "The agency is here with a new
girl."
His threatening posture relaxed, and the face
hat had looked so dangerous moments before
softened.
1 "Well, hello there," he said. He glanced at the
i>oy. "Go on and do your chores. Billy," he said
(ternly. Then he smiled at Mr. Kolten. "Got to
naintain discipline around here."
"Of course," Mr. Kolton said. The boy hurried
»ut of^the building.
"This is Crystal. Crystal, this is my husband,
3ordon."
"Welcome," Gordon said. There was something
ffl his eyes that frightened me, an animal look. I
lanced at Mr. Kolton and Ms. Thacker to see if
hey saw it, too, but they seemed oblivious to
Everything but the task at hand, which was to
land me over and leave.
"Why don't I show Crystal her room and have
xer meet Janet? Gordon, you can take her suit- sases, right?"
"Sure," he said, practically seizing them.
"We'll just be a minute," she told Mr. Kolton.
"Fine. Good luck. Crystal," he called to me as I
itarted for the steps.

165
V. C. ANDREWS
"Yes, good luck, honey." Ms, Thacker followed.
I didn't look back.
Louise talked a continuous stream as weas
cended, describing the house, its history, and how
much she enjoyed having foster children.
"You're all precious to us, right, Gordon?" she
said.: '• • , . : -.-•:. "' ••
"Yeah," he muttered. "Precious."
She paused at a door and knocked before open
ing it. A small giri with a face as perfect as a
cherub looked up at us. She lay curled upon)ier
bed. She wore what looked like a tutu and a pair
of pointe shoes.
"Janet, you're not sick again, are you, dear?"
Louise asked quickly.
She shook her head.
"Just tired from practicing your ballet?"
She nodded, her eyes on me and full of terror.
"This is your new roommate. Crystal. Crystal,
this is Janet. I just know you two will get along
well. Janet's not a bad student, either, are you,
Janet?"
She shook her head.
"Maybe now that you have a roommate, you
won't stay to yourself so much," Louise said.
Gordon slapped the suitcases on the floor. "I
got things to do," he grunted.
"Fine, dear," Louise said.
"Yeah, fine," he muttered.
"Gordon growls a lot," Louise said when he
left, "but he's a pussycat at heart. Well, I'm going
I CRYSTAL
to let you twoget acquainted while I go down and
| finish up the business with the agency people. Peel
free to roam about and explore your new home,"
Louise added, "Welcome again, dear," she said,
? and left us.
^ I looked at Janet. She seemed so fragile, but her
I legs did look firm and muscular.
' "You study ballet?" I asked. She nodded.
t She's as shy as a butterfly, I thought, and went
| to my suitcases. She watched me for a few moil
mentsand then sat up.
| "I don't study it anymore. I don't have any
| teacher," she said.
? I looked back at her. "If you like doing it, just
| keep doing it. Maybe someday you'll get another
' teacher," I said.
I- She smiled. It was a pretty smile, a smile hungry
to shine on someone who would give her love. I
liked her. Maybe it was good that she was so shy
and fragile. Maybe it was good that I would have
someone else to look after besides myself, I
thought.
I went to the window and looked out toward the
lake. "It is pretty here," I said.
In the falling, purplish light of the failing day,
the stars began to emerge, each like the tip of a
magic wand, full of promises.
Janet and I sat by the window and looked up. I
was pleasantly surprised when her hand found
mine. We sat silently for a moment. Maybe there
wasn't a family out there waiting for us. Maybe

167

V. C. ANDREWS
the only family we would have was each other.
Maybe the only promises we would fulfill were the
promises we made to each other. We had no
wealth, no currency, nothing to offer each other
but trust.
Afterward,she showed me pictures ofaerself in
a ballet costume and began to tell me about her
life. It didn'tcome fast. She had been wounded in
love as I had, and she was afraid to confide in
anyone.The secrets of our hearts would have to
be unraveled like a ball of string, a little at a time.
We weald weave our pasts, our pains, and our
dreams around each other until we were safely in
each other's cocoon.
Only then could we go back into the world.
All she wanted was to be someone's little giri....
Fate miMfe her a lonely orphan, yeahun^ feg^the
embraloe of a real femify and a loving- honae, ttttt a
golden chance at a new life coaly not be enoi^i to escape the dark secrets of her past...

don't MBS ANY OF THE fOVSL NOVELS
IN THE orphan SERIES

Butterfly
Crystal
Brooke
Raven
all AVAILABLE THIS SUMMER FROM pocket books)

* * only S3.99! ^ *

And look for the thrilling VC. Andrews novel
that brings these girls together: SwtUiwefys
Coming this fall!

BOOKS 1462

suburban New York community, Monroe, but Peter
was as tanned as someone in California or Florida.
They were the most attractive couple I had ever met.
Even the social worker, Mrs. Talbot, who didn't seem
to think much of anyone, looked impressed.
What did two such glamorous-looking people want
with me? I wondered.
"She has perfect posture, Peter. Look how she
stands with her shoulders back," Pamela said.
"Perfect," he agreed, smiling and nodding as he
gazed at me. His soft green eyes had a friendly twinkle
in them. His hair was rust colored, as shiny and
healthy as his wife's.
Pamela squatted down beside me so her face was
next to mine. "Look at us side by side, Peter."
"Isee it," he said, laughing. "Amazing.";
"We have the same shaped nose and mouth, don't
we?". • . , .. . ,,• , .,. , •
"Identical," he agreed. I thought he must have poor
eyesight. I didn't look at all like her.
"What about her eyes?"
"Well," he said, "they're blue, but yours are a little
bit more aqua."
"That's what it always says in my write-ups,"
Pamela told Mrs. Talbot, "Aqua eyes. Still," she said
to Peter» "they'reclose."
"dose," he admitted.
She took my hand into hers and studied my lingers.
"You can tell agreat deal about someone's potential
beauty by looking at her fingers. That's what Miss
America told me last year, and I agree. These are
beautiful fingers, Peter. The knuckles don't stick up.
Brooke,you've been biting your nails, haven't you?"
she asked me, and pursed her lips to indicate a no-no.
I looked at Mrs. Talbot. "I don't bite my nails," I
said.
"Well, whoever cuts them doesn't do a very good
job."
"She cuts her own nails, Mrs. Thompson. The girls
don't have any sort of beauty care here," Mrs. Talbot
said sternly.
Pamela smiled at her as though Mrs. Tatbot didn't
know what she was talking about, and then she sprang
back to her full height.
"We'll take her," she declared. "Won't we, Peter?"
"Absolutely," he'said.
I felt as if I had been bought. I looked at Mrs.
Talbot. She wore a very disapproving frown;
"Someone will be out to interview you in a weekor
so, Mrs. Thompson," she said. "If you'll step back
into my office and complete the paperwork ..."
"A week or sol Peter?" she whined.
"Mrs. Talbot," Petersaid, stepping up to her. "May
| I use your telephone, please?"
She stared at him.
"I think I can cut to the chase," he said, "and I
'know how eager you people are to find proper homes
iJ'for these children. We're on the sameside," he added
"with a smile, and I suddenly realized that he could be
very sleek when he wanted to be.
Mrs. Talbot stiffened. "We're not taking sides, Mr.
Thompson. We're merely following procedures."
"Precisely," be said. "May I use your phone?"
"Very well," she said. "Go ahead."
"Thank you."
Mrs. Talbot stepped back, and Peter went into her
•inner office.
"I'm so excited about you," Pamela told me while
Peter was in the office on the phone. "You take good
care of your teeth, I see."
"I brush them twice a day," I said. I didn't think I
was doing anything special.
"Some people just have naturally good teeth," she
told Mrs. Talbot, whose teeth were somewhat crooked
and gray. "I always had good teeth. Your teeth and
your smite are your trademark," she recited, "Don't
ever neglect them»" she warned. "Don't ever neglect
anything, your hair, your skin, your hands. How old
do you think I am? Go on, take a guess," she pressured
me.
Agai»n, I looked to Mrs. Talbot for help, but she
simply looked toward the window and tapped her
fingers on the table in the conference room.
"Twenty-five." I said.
"There, you see? Twenty-five. I happen to be thirty-
two years old. I wouldn't tell everyone that, of course,
hut I wanted to make a point."
She looked at Mrs. Talbot.
"And what point would that be, Mrs. Thompson?"
Mrs. Talbot asked.
"What point? Why, simply that you don't have to
grow old before your time if you take good care of
yourself. Do you sing or dance or do anything creative,
Brooke?" she asked me.
"No," I answered hesitantly. I wondered if I should
make something up.
"She happens to be the best female athlete at the
orphanage, and I dare say she's tops at her school,"
Mrs. Talbot bragged.
"Athlete?" Pamela laughed. "This:giri is not going
to be some athlete hidden on the back pages of sports
magazines. She's going to be on the cover of fashion
magazines. Look at that face, those features, the
perfection. If I had given birth to a daughter, Brooke,
she would look exactly like you. Peter?" she said when
he appeared.
He Smiled. "There^s someone on the phone waiting
to speak with you, Mrs. Talbot," he said, and winked
^at Pamela.
She put her hand on my shoulder and pulled me
closer to her.
"Darling Brooke," she cried, "you're coming home
with us."
When you're brought up in an institutionalized
worid, full of bureaucracy, you can't help but be very
impressed by people who have the power to snap their
fingers and get what they want. It's exciting. It's as if
you're suddenly whisked away on a magic carpet and
the world that you thought was reserved only for the
lucky chosen few will now be yours, too.
Who would blame me for rushing into their arms?

In my most secret dreams, the sort you keep buried
under your pillow and hope to find waiting in the
darkness for you as soon as you close your eyes, I saw
my real mother coming to the orphanage. She was
nothing like the Thompsons. I don't mean to say that
my mother wasn't beautiful, too, wasn't just as beautiful
as Pamela, because she was. And in my dream, she
never looked any older than Pamela, either,
The mother in my dreams really had my color hair
and my eyes. She was, I suppose, what I thought I
would look like when I grew up. She was beautiful
inside and out and was especially good at making
people smile. The moment a sad person saw her, he or
she forgot unhappiness. With my mother besideme, I,
too, would forget what it was like to be unhappy.
In my dream, she always picked me out from the
other orphans immediately, and when I looked at her
standing there in the doorway, I knew instantly who
she was. She held her arms open, and I ran to them.
She covered my face with kisses and mumbled a
string of apologies. I didn't care about apologies. I was
too happy.
"I'll just be a few minutes," she would tell me, and
go into the administrative offices to sign all the
papers. .Before I knew it, I would be walking out of the
orphanage, holding her hand, getting into her car, and
driving off with her to start my new life. We would
have so much to say, so many things to catch up on,
that both of us would babble incessantly right up to
the moment she put me to bed with a kiss and a
promise to be there for me always.
Of course, it was just a dream, and she never came.
I never talked about her, nor did I ever ask anyone at
the orphanage questions about her. All I knew was
that she had left me because she was too young to take
care of me, but in the deepest places in my heart, I
couldn't help but harbor the hope that she had always
planned to come back for me when she was old
enough to take care of me. Surely, she woke many
nights, as I did, and lay there wondering about me,
wondering what I looked like, if I was lonely or afraid.
We orphans didn't go to very many places other
than school, but once in a while there was a school
field trip to New York City to go to a museum, an
exhibition, or a show. Whenever we entered the city, I
pressed my face to the bus window and studied the
people who hurried up and down the sidewalks,
hoping to catch sight of a young woman who could be
my mother. I knew I had as much chance of doing
that as I had of winning the lottery, but it was a secret
wish, and after all, wishes and dreams were really
what nourished us orphans the most. Without them,
we would truly be lost and forgotten.
I can't say I ever even imagined a couple like
Pamela and Peter Thompson would want to become
my foster parents and then adopt me and make me
part of their family forever. People as rich and as
important as they were had other ways to get children
than coming to an .ordinary orphanage like this.
Surely, they didn't go searching themselves. They had
someone to do that sort of thing for them.
So I did feel as if I had won the lottery that day, the
day I left the orphanage with them. I was wearing a
pair of jeans, sneakers, and a New York Yankees
T-shirt I had traded a Party ofFive poster for it.
Pamela saw what the rest of my wardrobe was like and
told Peter, "Just leave it. Leave everything from her
past behind, Peter."
I didn't know what to say. I didn't have many
important possessions. In fact, the only one that was
important to me was a faded pink ribbon that I was
supposedly wearing the day my mother left me. I
managed to shove it into the pocket of my jeans;
"Our first stop," Pamela told me, "is going to be
Bloomingdale's."
Peter brought his Rolls Royce up to the front of the
orphanage, and though I had heard of them, I had
never actually seen one of them before. It looked gold-
plated. I was too awestruck to ask if it was real gold.
The interior smelled brand-new, and the leather felt
so soft I couldn't imagine what it must have cost.
Some of the other kids were; gazing out the windows,
their faces pressed to the glass. They looked as if they
were trapped in a fishbowl. I waved and then got in.
When we drove away, it did feel as if I was being
swept away on a magic carpet.
I didn't think Pamela literally meant we'd be going
straight to Bloomingdale's, but that is exactly where
Peter drove us. Everyone knew Pamela at the department
store. As soon as we stepped onto the juniors
floor, the salesgirls came rushing toward us like sharks.
Pamela rattled off requests with a wave of her hand
and paraded down theaisles pointing at this and that.
We were there trying on clothes for hours.
As I tried on different outfits, blouses, skirts, jackets,
even hats, Pamela and Peter sat like members of
an audience at a fashion show. I had never tried on so
many different articles of clothing, much less seen
diem. Pamela was just as concerned about how I wore
the clothes as she was with how they fit. Soon I did
feel as if I were modeling.
"Slowly, Brooke, walk slowly. Keep your head high
and your shoulders back. Don't forget your good
posture, now that you're wearing clothes that can
enhance your appearance. When you turn, just pause
for a moment. That's it "You'rewearing that skirt too
high in the waist." She laughed. "You act like you
hardly ever wear a skirt."
"I hardly do," I said. "I'm more comfortable in
jeans." " ''' ' ' I ''
"Jeans. That's ridiculous. There are no feminine
lines in jeans. I didn't know the hems were that high
this year, Millie," she said to the salesgirl helping me.
"Oh, yes, Mrs. Thompson. These are the latest
fashions."
"The latest lasbsoBS? Hardly," Pamela said, laugh
ing. "For the latest fashions, you would have to go to
Paris. Whatever we have in our stores now is already
months behind. Don't hold your arms like that,
Brooke. You look too stiff. You look like you're about
to catch a baseball, doesn't she, Peter?"
"Yes," he said, laughing.
She actually got up to show me how to walk, to hold
my arms, to turn and hold my head. Why was it so
important to know all that when I was trying on
clothes? I wondered. She anticipated the question.
"We really can't tell how good these garments will
look on you unless you wear them correctly, Brooke.
Posture and poise, the two sisters of style, wfll help
you make anything you wear look special, under
stand?"
I nodded, and she smiled.
"You've been so good, I think you deserve some
thing special. Doesn't she, Peter?"
"I was thinking the same thing, Pamela. What
wouldyou suggest?"
"She needs a good watch for that precious little
wrist. I was thinking one of those new Cartier watches
I spotted on the way into the store."
"You're absolutely right. As usual," Peter said with
a laugh.
When I saw the price of what Pamela called a good
watch, I couldn't speak. The salesman took it out and
put it on my wrist. It felt hot. I was terrified of
breaking or losing it. The diamonds glittered in the
face.
"It just needs a little adjustment in the band to fit
her," Pamela said, holding my hand higher so Peter
could see the watch on my wrist.
He nodded. "Looks good on her," he said.
"It's so much money," I whispered. IP Pamela
heard me, she chose to pretend she hadn't.
"We'll take it," Peter said quickly.
What was Christmas going to be like? I wondered. I
was actually dizzy from being swept along on a buying
rampage that took no note of cost. How rich were my
new parents?

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the house
Pamela and Peter called hom& It wasn't a house; it
was a mansion like Tara in Gone with the Wind, or
maybe like the White House. It was taller and wider
than the orphanage, with tall columns and what
looked like marble front steps that led to a marble
portico. There was a smaller upstairs porch as well.
The lawn that rolled out in front of the house was
bigger than two baseball fields side by side, I thought.
I saw fountains and benches. Two older men in white
pants and white shirts pruned a flower bed that
looked as wide and as long as an Olympic swimming
pool. When we turned into the circular driveway, I
saw that there was a swimming pool behind the house,
and what looked like cabanas.
"How do you like it?" Pamela asked expectantly.
"Just you two live here?" I asked, and they both
laughed.
"We have servants who live in a part of the house,
but yes, until now, just Peter and I lived here."
"It's so big," I said.
"As you know, Peter is an attorney. He practices
corporate law and happens to be active in state
politics, too. That's why we were able to bring you
home so^ sfffi^''^ already
know that I;was nearly a Miss America," she added.
"For maayyears, I was a runway model. That's why I
know so much about style and appearance." She
spoke witboBit a bit of modesty.
"I think we've overwhelmed her, Pamela," Peter
said.
"That's all right. We have so much to do. We don't
have time to spoon-feed our lives to her, Peter. She's
going to get right into the swing of things, aren't you,
sweetheart?"
"I guess," I said, still gawking as we came to a stop.
Instantly, the front door opened, and a tall, thin man
with two puffs of gray hair over his ears came hurry
ing out, followed by a short brunette in a blue maid's
uniform with a white lace apron over the skirt.
"Hello, Sacket," Peter called when he stepped out
of the car.
"Sir," Sacket replied. He looked to be a man in his
fifties or early sixties. He had small dark eyes arid a
long nose that looked as if it was still growing down
toward his thin mouth and sharply cut jaw. The
paleness in his face made the color in his lips look as if
it came from lipstick.
"Welcome back, Mr. Thompson," he replied in a
voice much deeper than I anticipated. It seemed to
start in his stomach and echo through his mouth with
the resonance of a church organ.
The maid flitted about the car like a moth, ner
vously waiting for Pamela to give her orders. She
didn't look much older than thirty herself, but she
was very plain, no makeup, her nose too small for her
wide, thick mouth. Her nervous brown eyes blinked
rapidly. She wiped her hands on her apron and stood
back when Pamela stepped out of the car.
"Start bringing the packages in the trunk up to
Brooke's room, Jpline."
"Yes, ma'am," she said. She glanced at me quickly
and moved around the vehicle to join Sacket at the
rear. They began to load their arms with my packages.
"Peter, could you show Brooke the house while I
freshen up?" Pamela asked him. She turned to me.
"Traveling and shopping can make your skin so dry,
especially when you go into those department stores
with their centralized air. All that dust, too," she
added.
"No problem, dear," Peter said. "Brooke," he said,
holding out his arm. At first, I didn't understand. He
brought it closer, and I put my arm through. "Shall we
tour your new home?" he said, smiling.
I looked at the servants rushing up with my pack
ages, the grounds people pruning and manicuring the
flowers, hedges, and lawn, the vastness of the proper
ty, and my head began to spin. It all made me feel
faint.
My new home?
All my life, I had lived in rooms no bigger than a
closet, sometimes even sharing the space with anoth
er orphaned girl. I shared the bathroom with a half
dozen other children most of the time. I ate in a
cafeteria, fought to watch what I wanted to watch on
our one television set, and protected my small space
like a mother bear protecting her cubs.
Then, with almost a blink of an eye, I was brought
to what looked like a palace. I couldn't speak. The
lump in my throat was so hard I felt as if I had
swallowed an apple. I leaned on Peter's arm for real,
and he led me ujEMhe stairs to the grand fi^nt door
through whichBunela hurried as if the house was a
sanctuary from the evil forces that would steal away
her beauty.
"Voilii," he said, standing back so I could step
inside.