The sate of this book without to aw»u««t<horfeed. If you purchased
this book without a wver, you should be aware that it was reported to
the publisher as "unsold and destroyd." Neither the author nor the
publisher has received payment for the sale of this "stripped book."

Following the death of Virginia Andrews, the Andrews family
worked with a carefully selected writer to organize and complete
Virginia Andrews'stories and t&CTcate additional novels, of which
this is one, inspired by her stpiytetling genius.
This book is a work of fiction^ Names, characters, places and
incidents are products of the fBithbr*s imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
living or dead, is entirety coincidental

An Original Publication of POCKET BOOKS

POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
Copyright © 19% by The Virginia C. Andrews Trust and
The Vanda Partnership

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce
this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.
For information address Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue
of the Americas, New York. NY 10020

ISBN: 0671020293

First Pocket Books printing June 1998

10 9 8

V.C. Andrews is a registered trademark of die
Vanda General Partnership.
POCKET and colophon are registered trademarks of
Simon & Schuster Inc.
Cover design by Jim Lebbad
Cover art by Lisa Falkenstem

Printed in the U.SA.

V. C. ANDREWS
must be better than other children, children with
parents and homes. You must be healthier, smart
er, more polite, and most certainly more respect
ful. In short," she said in a voice that often turned
shrill during her endless speeches, "you must
become desirable; %^,4'^he asked, sweeping her
eyes over each and every one of us critically, her
thin lips pursed, "would anyone want you to be
their daughter or son?"
She was right. Who would ever want me? I
thought. I was born prematurely. Some of the
boys and girls here said I was stunted. Just yester
day, Donald Lawson called me the Dwarf.
"Even when you're in high school, you'll wear
little-girl clothes," he taunted.
He strutted away with his head high, and I
could tell it made him feel better to make me feel
bad. My tears were like trophies for him, and the
sight of them didn't make him feel sorry. Instead,
they encouraged him.
: f'Even your tears are tiny," he sang as hewalked
down the halt. "Maybe we should call you Tiny
Tears instead of the Dwarf."
The kids at the orphanage weren't the bnly|
ones who thought there was something wrongi
with me, though. Margaret Lester, who was the|
tallest girl in the orphanage, fourteen with legs;|
that seemed to reach up to her shoulders, oveiM
heard the last couple I'd met talking about m^J
and couldn't wait to tell me all the horrible
things they had to say. |
"The man said he thought you were adorable!
but when they found out how old you were, the||
2
BUTTERFLY
wonderedwhy you were so small. She thought you
might be sickly and then they decided to look at
someone else," Margaret told me with a twisted
smirk on her face.
No potential parents ever looked at her, so she
was happy when one of us was rejected.
"I'm not sickly," I whispered in my own de
fense. "I haven't even had a cold all year."
I always spoke in a soft, low voice and then,
when I was made to repeat something, I struggled
to make my voice louder. Mrs. McGuire said I
had to appear more self-assured.
"It's fine to bea little shy, Janet," she told me.
"Goodness knows, most children today are too
loud and obnoxious, but if you're too modest,
people will pass you over. They'll think you're
withdrawn, like a turtle more comfortable in his
shell. You don't want that, do you?"
I shook my head but she continued her lecture.
"Then stand straight when you speak to people
and look at them and not at the floor. And dost
twist your fingers around each other like that. Get
your shoulders back. You need all the height you
can achieve."
When I had come to her office today, she had
me sit in this chair and then paced in front of me,
her high heels clicking like little hammers on the
tile floor as she advised and directed me on how
to behave once the Delorices arrived. That was
their names, Sanford and Celine Delorice. Of
course, I hadn't set eyes on them before. Mrs.
McGuire told me, however, that they had seen me
a number of times. That came as a surprise. A
3
V. C. ANDREWS
number of times? I wondered when, and if tha
was true, why had I never seen them?
"They know a great deal about you, Janet, an<
still they are interested. This is your best oppor
tunity yet. Do you understand?" she asked, paus
ing to look at me. "Straighten up," she snapped
I did so quickly.
"Yes, Mrs.McGuire," I said.
"What?" She put her hand behind her ear an<
leaned toward me. "Did you say something
Janet?"
"Yes, Mrs. McGuire."
"Yes what?" she demanded, standing back, he
hands on her hips.
"Yes, I understand this is my best opportunity
Mrs. McGuire."
"Good, good. Keep your voice strong and clear
Speak only when you're spoken to, and smile a
much as you can. Don't spread your legs too fa
apart. That's it. Let me see your hands," shi
demanded, reaching out to seize them in her owi
long, bony fingers.
She turned my hands over so roughly my wrist
stung.
"Good," she^aid. "You do take good care o
yourself, Janet. I think that's a big plus for you
Some of our children, as you know, think they an
allergic to bathing."
She glanced at the clock.
"They should be arriving soon. I'm going ou
front to greet them. Wait here and when we corn
through the door, stand up to greet us. Do yo|
understand?" I
BUTTERFLY
"Yes, Mrs. McGuire." Her hand went behind
her ear again. I cleared my throat and tried again.
"Yes, Mrs. McGuire."
She shook her head and looked very sad, her
eyes full of doubt.
"This is your big chance, your best chance,
Janet. Maybe, your last chance," she muttered
and left the office.
Now I sat gazing at the bookcase, the pictures
on her desk, the letters in frames congratulating
her on her performance as an administrator in our
upstate New York child welfare agency. Bored
with the things decorating Mrs. McGuire's office,
I turned around in my chair to stare out the
windows. It was a sunny spring day. I sighed as I
looked out at the trees, their shiny green leaves
and budding blossoms calling to me. Everything
was growing like weeds because of the heavy
spring rain, and I could tell Philip, the groundskeeper,
wasn't very happy to be mowing; the
endless lawns so early in the season. His face was
screwed up in a scowl and I could- just imagine
him grumbling about the grass coming up so fast
this year, you could watch it grow. Ror a moment I
drifted away in the monotonous sound of Philip's
lawnmower and the dazzling sunlight streaming
in through the windows. I forgot I was in Mrs.
McGuire's office, forgot I was slouching with my
eyes closed.
I tried to remember my real mother, but my
earliest memories are of being in an orphanage. I
was in one other beside this one, then I got
transfered here when I was nearly seven. I'm
V. C. ANDREWS
almost thirteen now, but even I would admit that
I look no more than nine, maybe ten. Because I
couldn't remember my real mother. Tommy Turner
said I was probably one of those babies that
doctors make in a laboratory.
"I bet you were born in a test tube and that's
why you're so small. Something went wrong with
the experiment," he'd said as we left the dining
hall last night. The other kids all thought he was
very clever and laughed at his joke. Laughed at
me.
"Janet's mother and father were test tubes,"
they taunted.
"No," Tommy said. "Her father was a syringe and her mother was a test tube."
"Who named her Janet then?" Margaret asked
doubtfully.
Tommy had to think.
"That was the name of her lab technician, Janet
Taylpr, so they gave her that name," he answered,
and from the look on their faces, I could tell the
other kids believed him.
Last night, like every,night, I had wished with
all my heart that I knew something about my past,
some fact, a name, anything that I could say to
Tommy and the others to prove that once upon a
time I did have a real Mommy and Daddy. I
wasnt a dwarf or a test tube baby, I was... well,^
I was like a butterfly--destined to be beautiful j
and soar high above the earth, high above trouNes|
and doubts, high above nasty little kids who made^
iun of other people just because they were smallert
and weaker. 5
6 ^ I
BUTTERFLY
It's just that I hadn't burst from my cocoon yet.
I was still a shy little girl, curled up in my quiet,
cozy world. I knew that someday I would have to
break free; to be braver, speak louder, grow taller,
but right now that seemed all too scary. The only
way I knew how to keep the taunts and teasing of
the other kids from bothering me was to stay in
my own little cocoon—where it was warm and
safe and no one could hurt me. But someday,
someday I would soar. Like a beautiful butterfly, I
would climb higher and higher, flying high above
them all. I'd show them.
Someday.
Janet!" I heard Mrs. McGuire hiss, and my eyes
snapped open. Her face was filled with fury, her
mouth twisted, her gray eyes wide and lit up like
firecrackers. "Sit up," she whispered through her
clenched teeth, and then she forced a smile and
turned to the couple standing behind her. "Right
this way, Mr. and Mrs; Delorice," she said m a
much nicer tone of voice.
I took a deep breath and held it, my fluttering
heart suddenly sounding like a kettle drum in my
chest. Mrs. McGuire stepped behind me so that
the Delorices could get a good look at me. Mr.
Delorice was tall and thin with dark hair and
sleepy eyes. Mrs. Delorice sat in a wheelchair and
was pretty, with hair the color of a red sunset. She
had diminutive facial features like my own, but
even more perfectly proportioned. Her hair
floated around her shoulders in soft undulating
V. C. ANDREWS
waves. There was nothing sickly or frail looking
about her, despite her wheelchair. Her complexion
was rich like peaches and cream, her lips the
shade of fresh strawberries.
She wore a bright yellow dress, my favorite
color, and a string of tiny pearls around her neck.
She looked like every other potential mommy I
had seen except for the wheelchair and the tiny
little shoes she wore. Although I'd never seen
ballet shoes before, I thought that was what they
were. If she was in a wheelchair, why was she
wearing ballet shoes? I wondered.
Mr. Delorice pushed her right up to me. I was
too fascinated to move, much less speak. Why
would a woman in a wheelchair want to adopt a
child my age?
"Mr. and Mrs. Delorice, this is Janet Taylor.
Janet,Mr. and Mrs. Delorice."
"Hello," I said, obviously not loud enough to
please Mrs. McGuire. She gestured for me to j
stand and I scrambledout of the chair. |
"Please, dear, call us Sanford and Celine," the|
pretty woman said. She held put her hand and l|
took it gingerly, surprised at how» firmly she held;|
her fingers around mine. For a moment we onl^
looked at each other. Then I glanced up at S
ford Delorice.
He was looking down at me, his eyes openi]
bit wider to reveal their mixture of brown
green. He had his hair cut very short, which m
his skinny face look even longer and narrower.
was wearing a dark gray sports jacket with not
10
BUTTERFLY
and a pair of dark blue slacks. The upper two
buttons on his white shirt were open. I thought it was to give his very prominent Adam's apple
breathing space.
"She's perfect, Sanford, just perfect, isn't she?"
Celine said, gazing at me.
"Yes, she is, dear," Sanford replied. He had his
long fingers still wrapped tightly around the handles
of the wheelchair as if he was attached or
afraid to let go.
"Did she ever have any training in the arts?"
Celine asked Mrs. McGuire. She didn't look at
Mrs. McGuire when she asked. She didn't look
away from me. Her eyes were fixed on my face,
and although her staring was beginning to make
me feel creepy, I was unable to look away.
"TheartsT
"Singing, dancing... ballet, perhaps?" she
asked.
"Oh no, Mrs. Delorice. The children here are
not that fortunate," Mrs. McGuire replied, s
Celine turned back to me. Her eyes grew smaller,
even more intensely fixed on me.
"Well, Janet with be. She'll be that fortunate,"
she predicted with certainty. She smiled softly.
"How would you like to come livewith Sanford
and myself, Janet? You'll have your own room,
and a very large and comfortable one, too. You'll
attend a private school. Well buy you an entirely
new wardrobe, including new shoes. Ybu'li have a
separate area in your room for your schoolwork
and you'll have your own bathroom. Fm sure
11
V.G ANDREWS
you'll like our house. We live just outside
Albany with a yard as large, if not larger than;
have here."
"That sounds wonderful," Mrs. McGuire s
as if she were the one being offered the new hoi
but Mrs. Delorice didn't seem at all interestec
what she said. Instead she stared at me and wai
for my response.
"Janet?" Mrs. McGuire questioned when a 1<
moment of silence had passed.
How could I ever refuse this, and yet whe
looked up at Sanford and back at Celinc
couldn't help feeling little footsteps oftrepidat
tiptoeing across my heart I pushed the shade
faces out of my mind, glanced at Mrs. McGu
and then nodded.
"I'd like that," I said, wishing I was as goo(
Mrs. McGuire'at faking a smile.
"Good," Celine declared. She spun her el
around to face Mrs. McGuire. "How soon can
leave?"
"Well, we have some paperwork to do. How
er, knowing all that we already know about;
and your husband, your impressive references,
social worker's report, et cetera, I suppose..
"Can we take her with us today?" Celinei
manded impatiently, t
My heart skipped a beat. Today? That fast?
for once Mrs. McGuire was at a loss for wca
"I imagine that could be done," she fiffl
replied. ^
"Good," she said. "Sanford, why don't you i)
12 I
BUTTERFLY
with Mrs. McGuire and fill out whatever paper
work has to be filled out. Janet and I can go
outside and get more acquainted in the mean
time," she said. It was supposed to be a sugges
tion, I guess, but it sounded like an order tome, I
looked at Mr. Delorice and could see the muscles
in his jaw were clenched, along with his fingers on
the wheelchair handles.
"But there are documents that require both
signatures," Mrs. McGuire insisted.
"Sanford has power of attorney when it comes
to my signature," Celine countered. "Janet, can
you push my chair? I don't weigh all that much,"
she added smiling.
I looked at Mrs. McGuire. She nodded and
Sanford stepped back so that I could take hold of
the handles.
"Where shall we go, Janet?" she asked me.
"I guess we can go out to the garden," I said
uncertainly. Mrs. McGuire nodded again.
"That sounds wonderful. Don't be any longer
than you have to, Sanford," she called back as I
started to push her to the door. I went ahead and
opened it and then I pushed her through.
I started down the hallway, overwhelmed and
amazed with myself and what was happening. Not
only was I going to have parents, but I had found a
mother who wanted me to take care other, almost
as much as I wanted her to take care of me. What
a strange and wonderful new beginning, I thought
as I wheeled my new mother toward the sunny day
that awaited us.
V.C.ANDREWS
"Has it been difficult for you living here, Jan
et?" Celine asked after I had wheeled her outside.
We followed the path to the garden.
"No, ma'am," I said, trying not to be distracted
by the kids who were looking our way.
"Oh, don't call me ma'am, Janet. Please," she
said, turning to place her hand over mine. It felt
so warm. "Why don't you call me Mother. Let's
not wait to get to know each other. Just do that
immediately," she pleaded.
"Okay," I said. I could tellalready that Mrs.
Delorice didn't like to be argued with.
"You speak so softly, darling. I suppose you've
felt so insignificant, but you won't feel that way
anymore. You're going to be famous, Janet.You're
going to be spectacular," she declared with such
passion in her voice it made the breath catch in
my throat.
"Me?"
"Yes, you, Janet. Come around and sit on this
bench," she said when we had reached the first
one along the pathway. She folded her hands in
her lap and waited until I sat. Then she smiled.4
"You float, Janet. Do you realize that? You glidd
almost as if you're walking on a cloud of air|
That's instinctive. Grace is something you're efe|
BUTTERFLY
"When?" I said, recalling what Mrs. McGuire
had told me.
"Oh, on and off for a little more than two
weeks. Sanford and I came here at different times
of the day. Usually we sat in our car and watched
you and your unfortunate brothers and sisters at
play. I even saw you at your school," she ad
mitted.
My mouth widened with surprise. They had
followed me to school? She laughed.
"When I first set eyes on you, I knew I had to
have you. I knew you were the one, Janet. You
remind me so much of myself when I was your
age."
"I do?"
"Yes, and when Sanford and I went home, I
would think about you and dream about you, and
actually see you gliding down our staircase and
through our home. I could even hear the music,"
she said, with a faraway look in her eyes.
"What music?" I asked, starting to think that
Mrs. Delorice might be a little more than just
bossy.
"Music you'll dance to, Janet. Oh," she said,
leaning forward to reach for my hand, "there is so
much to tell you and sp much to do. I can't wait to
start. That's why I wanted Sanford to cut right
through all that silly bureaucratic paperwork and
take us both home. Home," she repeated, her
smile softening even more. "I suppose that's a
foreign word to you, isn't it? You've never had a
home. I know all about you," she added.
15
V. C. ANDREWS
"What do you know?" I asked. Maybe she la- something about my real mommy and daddy.
"I know you were an orphan shortly after y
birth and ever since. I know some very stu
people came to find children to adopt and pas
you by. That's their loss and my gain,"
followed with a thin, high-pitched laugh.
"What did you mean when you said muss
would dance to?" I asked;
She released my hand and sat back. Fo
moment I didn't think she was going to ansv
She stared off toward the woods. A span
landed near us and studied us with curiosity.
"After I picked you out, I observed you, ai
tioning you in my own mind," she explained.
studied your walk, your gestures, and your p
ture to see if you were capable of being trainee
become the dancer I was to be, the dancer I can
longer even dream to be. Beyond a doubt I
convinced you can. Would you like that? We
you like to be a famous dancer, Janet?"
"A famous dancer? I've never thought ab
it," I said honestly. "I do like to dance. I J
music too," I added.
"Of course you do," she responded. "Some*
with your naturalgrace and rhythm has to I
music, and youll love to dance, too. You'll 1<
the power. l^ou'lL feel..." She closed her e
and took a de^ breath. When she opened her e
I saw (hat they were filled with an eerie lij
"You'll feel you can soar like a bird. When yew
good, and you will be good, you will lose your
in the ttsasic, Janet. It will carry you off, just a
16
BUTTERFLY
did for me so many, many times before I became
crippled."
"What happened to you?" I dared to ask. It was
obvious that talking about dancing made her
emotional, but the eerie look in her eyes made me
nervous and I wanted her to do something besides
stare at me so intently.
Mrs. Delorice lost her soft, dreamy smile and
gazed back at the building before turning to me
and replying.
"I was in a very bad car accident. Sanford lost
control of our vehicle one night when we were
returning from a party. He had a little too much
to drink, although he'll never ever admit to that.
He claimed he was blinded by the lights of a
tractor-trailer truck. We went off the road and hit
a tree. He was wearing his seat belt but I had
forgotten to put mine on. The door opened and I
was thrown from the car. My spine was very badly
damaged. I almost died."
"I'm sorry," I said quickly. .
Her face hardened, the lines deepening as shad
ows darkened her complexion.
"I'm past being sorry. I was sorry for years, but
being sorry for yourself doesn't help one bit,
Janet. Never indulge in self-pity. You become
incapable of helping yourself. Oh," she said ex
cited again, the light in her eyes returning, "I have
so much to fell you, to teach you. It's going to be
wonderful for both of us. Are you excited, too?"
"Yes," I said. I was, but everything was moving
so fast and I couldn't help feeling nervous and a
uttle bit scared.
V.O. ANDREWS
She turned toward the building.
"Where is he? I never saw a man waste so mu(
time. Oh, but you'll get to admire him for h
compassion and sensitivity," she said. "The
isn't anything he wouldn*t do for me now, at
now," she said with a wider smile, "there isri
anything he won't do for you.
"Think of it, Janet, think of it," she wged, 'T<
the first time in your life, you will have two lovil
people who will care more about you than th<
will for themselves. Oh yes, it's true, dear, pr
cious Janet. Look at me. Why should I won
about myself anymore? I'm a prisoner in th
damaged body forever, and Sanford, Sanford liv<
to make me happy. So you see," she said with th,
tiny, thin laugh again, "if my happiness depen<
on your happiness, Sanford will cherish you ',
much as I will.
"You will be happy, Janet," she said with sue
firmness it frightened me. It was almost as if sl
was commanding me to be happy. "That," st
said, "I promise you."
Sanford stepped out of the building.
"It's about time," she muttered. "Come, Jane
dear. Let us begin your new life. Let's think ofth
as your true birth. Okay? We'll even use this di
as your birthday from now on. Why not? Yes?
like that idea. Don't you?" she declared wil
another thin laugh. "Today is your.birthday!"
"Sanford," she called before I could repi'
Actually, I didn't know what to say. My birthdi
had never been very special to me. He starte
18
BUTTERFLY
toward us. "This day is more extraordinary than
we imagined. It's Janet's birthday."
"It is?" he asked, looking confused. "But, I
thought..."
"It is." She stamped her words in the air
between them and he nodded.
She reached her hand out to me.
"Come along now," she said. "We're going
home to celebrate."
When I saw the grim look on Sanford's face and
remembered the crazy light that had come into
Mrs. Delorice's eyes, I wondered just what had I
gotten myself into.
Two

Despite the years I had lived at the orphanag
there wasn't anyone I was sorry to leave behin
My good-byes were quick. Those who had ma<
fun of me for so long just stared with envy. :N
one had much to say. Only Margaret came up l
me as I was getting my things together and will
pered, "What kind of a mother is a mother in
wheelchair?"
"One who wants to love me," I replied and Ie
her gnawing on the inside other cheek.
Celine was already in the car, waiting. Sanfoi
helped me with my things and then opened the cs
door for me as if he were my chauffeur. They ha
a very expensive-looking black car with leathi
seats that felt as soft as marshmallows. I thougl
the car was as big as a limousine. It had the seel
of fresh roses, 'i
"Look at her, Sanford," Celine said. "She's m
BUTTERFLY
the least bit sorry to be leaving that place. Are
you, dear?"
"No..." The following word seemed hard to
form, so alien. My tongue tripped over itself.
"Mother."
"Did you hear her, Sanford? Did you hear what
she called me?"
"I did, honey." He looked back at me and
smiled for the first time since I'd met him. "Welcome
to our family, Janet."
"Thank you," I said, but I knew I had spoken
too softly for either of them to hear.
"We had a nice conversation in the garden
while you were crossing T's and dotting I's, Sanford."

"Oh?"
"Janet told me she loves to dance," Celine said.
"Really?" Sanford sounded surprised.
I had said I liked dancing, but I hadn't done
enough dancing to say I loved it, especially the
sort of dancing she meant. She turned to face me.
"I was younger than you when I started tram-
ing, Janet. My mother was very supportive, maybe
because her mother, my grandmother Annie,
was a prima ballerina. It broke my mother's heart
almost as much as it did mine when I had to
stop." She had turned to look at me and I could
see the strange light had returned to her eyes.
She took a deep breath before continuing.
"Both my parents are still alive. They live in
Westchester in the same house where my brother
Daniel and I were raised," she explained. My
heart began to pound again. It was one
thing to dream of having a mommy and dad
but another to think up an entire family v
grandparents and uncles and aunts. Maybe tt
was a cousin, too, a girl about my age with who
could become best friends.
"Unfortunately, both of Sanford's parents
gone," she continued. She gazed at him ag;
"His sister Mariene lives in Denver but we d<
see her very much. She doesn't approve of m<
"Celine, please," he said weakly.
"Yes, Sanford's right. No unpleasantness, nf
again. You don't need to know any of the unph
antness I've had to bear. You've known eno
during your poor little life," she said. "You d<
have to worry about money, either. We're rid
"You shouldn't say things like that, Celil
Sanford gently chastised. I could tell immedia
that he was sorry he'd spoken.
"Why not? Why shouldn't I be proud? Sarif
owns and operates a glass factory. We're not as
as Coming, but we're competition for tin
aren't we, Sanford?" she bragged.
"Yes, dear." He looked back at me. "0
you've settled in, I'll show you the plant." "You
can show her, but she's not going to sp
a great deal of time down there, Sanford. She'1
too busy with her schooling and her dancil
Celine assured him.
A coM drop of ice trickled along my spinel
"What if I can't be a dancer?" I asked. W<3
they send me back?
"Can't be? Don't be silly, Janet. I told you,!
have grace. You already dance. You dance w!
22
BUTTERFLY
you walk, .the way you hold yourself, the way you
look at people, the way you sit. Having been gifted
with this myself, I know how to recognize it in
someone else. You won't fail," she said confi
dently. "I won't let you fail. I'll be your cushion,
your parachute. You won't suffer the sort of
disappointments I suffered," she pledged.
Even more anxious, I squeezed my arms around
myself. When I was younger, I would pretend my
arms were my mother's arms, holding me. Iwould
close my eyes and imagine the scent of her hair,
the softness other face, the warmth of her lips on
my forehead. Would Celine ever hold me like
that? Or would her being in a wheelchair make
that too difficult to do?
I gazed out the window at the scenery that
flowed by. It was as if the whole world had
become liquid and ran past us in a stream of trees,
houses, fields, and even people. Few took any
special notice of us even though I felt so special.
They should all be cheering as we go by. I'm not
an orphan anymore.
"Looks like some rain ahead," Sanford pre
dicted and nodded at a ridge of dark clouds
creeping toward us from the horizon.
"Oh phooey," Celine declared. "I want the sun
to shine all day today."
Sanford smiled and I could feel the tension ease
out of him.
"I'll see what I can do," he said. The way he
looked at her, doted on her, I had no doubt that if
h® could, he would shape theweather and the
*orld to please her. There was love here, I
V. C. ANDREWS
thought, some sort of love. I only hoped it was t
right sort.

When I finally set my eyes on their house;
thought I had fallen into a storybook. N00
really lived in such a house, I thought, even as i
went up the long circular driveway with perfeo
trimmed hedges on both sides. Evenly spac
apart were charcoal gray lampposts, (he bul
encased in shiny brass fixtures. Celine hadn't be
exaggerating. They did have more lawn than t
orphanage. There were large sprawling red ma|
trees with leaves that looked like dark rubies, ai
a pair of enormous weeping willow trees, the ti
of the branches touching the ground to form
cave of shadows. I could just make out the sha
of two benches and a small fountain surround!
by the darkness. Squirrels scurried around t;
fountain and over the benches, up trees a
through the grass with a nervous, happy energ
saw a rabbit pop out from behind the trees. It
our way, and then hop toward the taller grass.
I turned to look at the house, a tall two-st
with a porch that wrapped all the way arou
Two robins paraded over the four wooden fi
steps. Alongside them was a ramp for Cell
wheelchair and a sparrow stood so still on if
looked stuffed. ;
It all seemed so magical, touched by a fai
wand and brought to life. *
"Home sweet home," Celine declared. "Wfe
a lot to modernize it after we bought its,
Victorian," she explained. I didn't know
BUTTERFLY
that meant, but from the way she said it, I
understood it was impressive.
The house looked like it had been recently
painted, a bright, crisp white. The paired entry
doors had mirrored glass in the top halves of each
and all the windows on the first and second floors
had filmy white curtains in them. Only the attic
windows were dark, with what looked like dark
gray drapes pulled closed.
"Your room faces the east so you will have
bright morning sunshine to wake you every day,"
Celine explained.
To the right and just behind the house was the
garage, but Sanford stopped the car in front and
got out quickly. He opened the trunk, took out
Celine's wheelchair, and moved to open her door.
"Get her things," Celine commanded as soon as
she was in her chair.
"Don't you want me to get you into the house
first?"
"No. I asked you to get her things," she re
peated firmly. "Where is that Mildred?" she mut
tered under her breathe '•;'
I stepped out and stared up at the house, my
new home. Celine had gotten a little ofBerwish.
The clouds had parted briefly and rays of light
made the windows glitter as we stood there, but
before we went up to the front doors, (he clouds
shifted and deepened the shadows again. Celine
shuddered and tightened the shawl Sanford had
placed around her shoulders.
"How do you like it?" she asked me expec
tantly.
V. C. ANDREWS

'St's beautiful," I said.
However, most of my life homes with fam
in them looked beautiful to me, even if they ^
half the size and cost of this one. Behind cl<
doors and on the other side of curtains, fam
sat having dinner or watching television toget
Brothers and sisters teased each other, but
each other secret things and held each ott
dreams in strict confidence. There were shouli
to lean on, lips that would kiss away tears, vo
that would warm cold and frightened little bet
There were daddies who had strong arms to 1
you, daddies who smelled of the outdoors
aftershave, daddies with love in their smiles;
mommies who were beautiful and soft, who v
scented with flowery aromas, perfumes that fi
your nostrils and stirred your imagination ,
filled your head with dreams of becoming
lovely and as pretty.
Yes, it was a beautiful house. They were
beautiful houses.
'*Hurry along, please, Sanford," Celine si
wheeling herself to the base of the ramp.
He struggled with two suitcases and one of
smaller bags. I started toward her chair, but
turned in anticipation. It was as if she had <
behind her head. i
"No, Janet. I don't want you doing anytA
Uus strenuous. You can't afford to pull a tendo
I stopped, confused. Pull a tendon? I hadi
idea what she meant. ^
"It's all right," Sanford told me and somel
managed to take hold of the chair as he keptd
26 ' "I
BUTTERFLY
suitcases under his arm. He pushed her up the
ramp and I followed. When we reached the porch,
he put down the suitcases and hurried around to
unlock the door.
"Where is that fool?" she asked himsharply. I
had no idea who she was talking about. Did
someone else live in their beautiful house?
"It's all right," he said inserting his door key.
Celine turned and smiled at me.
"Now you can push me, sweetheart," she said,
and I moved quickly to the back of the chair.
Sanford opened the door and we entered the
house. The entryway was wide with mirrors on
both sides. On the right was a coatrack and a
small table on which were some sort of pam
phlets. When I looked closer, I saw they were
programs for a dance recital. On the front of one
was Celine's picture. Above it in big red letters
were the words Sleeping Beauty.
"I want you to see the studio first," she said
when she saw what had captured my attention.
"Sanford, bring her things upstairs to her room
and see if you can find Mildred. We'll be along in
a few minutes."
I saw there was a special elevator chair that ran
up the side of the stairway. At the top was another
wheelchair. Celine wheeled herself deeper into the
house and I followed slowly, drinking everything
VK ^c beautiful paintings on the walls, alt of
"sneers, one who looked very much like Celine.
KCT^I • •
mis is our living room," she said, nodding at
r-room on the left.
A could only glance at it because she moved
V. C. ANDREWS
"It's beautiful," I said.
However, most of my life homes with famili
in them looked beautiful to me, even if they we
half the size and cost of this one. Behind clos<
doors and on the other side of curtains, famili
sat having dinner or watching television togethc
Brothers and sisters teased each other, but to
each other secret things and held each othel
dreams in strict confidence. There were shoulde
to lean on, lips that would kiss away tears^ voio
that would warm cold and frightened little hear!
There were daddies who had strong arms to ho
you, daddies who smelled of the outdoors ai
aftershave, daddies with love in their smiles; ai
mommies who were beautiful and soft, who we
scented with flowery aromas, perfumes that fitti
your nostrils and stirred your imagination ai
filled your head with dreams of becoming i
lovely and as pretty.
Yes, it was a beautiful house. They were s
beautiful houses.
"Hwry along, please, Sanford," Celine sai'
wheeling herself to the base of the ramp.
He struggled with two suitcases and one of tl
smaller bags. I started toward her chair, but sl
tucnedin anticipation. It was as if she had eys
behind her head.
"No, Janet. I don't want you doing anythy
this;strenuous. You can't afford to pull a tendon
I stopped, confused. Pull a tendon? I had i
idea what she meant.
"It's all right," Sanford told me and someho
managed to take hold of the chair as he kept d
26
BUTTERFLY
suitcases under his arm. He pushed her up the
ramp and I followed. When we reached the porch,
be put down the suitcases and hurried around to
unlock the door.
"Where is that fool?" she asked him. sharply. I
had no idea who she was talking about. Did
someone else live in their beautiful house?
"It's all right," he said inserting his door key.
Celine turned and smiled at me.
"Now you can push me, sweetheart," she said,
and I moved quickly to the back of the chair.
Sanford opened the door and we entered the
house. The entryway was wide with mirrors on
both sides. On the right was a coatrack and a
small table on which were some sort of pam
phlets. When I looked closer, I saw they were
programs for a dance recital. On the front of one
was Celine's picture. Above it in big red letters
were the words Sleeping Beauty.
"I want you to see the studio first," she said
when she saw what had captured my attention.
"Sanford, bring her things upstairs to her room
and see if you can find Mildred. We'll be along in
a few minutes."
I saw there was a special elevator chair that ran
up the side of the stairway. At the top was another
wheelchair. Celine wheeled herself deeper into the
house and I followed slowly, drinking everything
in: the beautiful paintings on the walls, alibof
dancers, one who looked very much like Celine.
"This is our living room," she said, nodding at
a room on the left.
I could only glance at it because she moved
27
V. C. ANDREWS
quickly down the hall. I saw the fancy pink <
white sofa with frills along the base, a red ci
ioned chair, the fieldstone fireplace and max
above which was a grand painting ofCelinei
ballet costume.
"Here," she declared, pausing at anot
doorway.
I stepped up beside her and looked into
room. It was large and empty, with a sh
wooden floor. All around the room were f
length mirrors and on one side was a long wocx
bar.
"This is my studio and now it is yours,**
declared. "I had a wall knocked out and 1
rooms connected. You can spare no expense wl
it comes to your art.'*
"Miner'I asked.
"Of course, Janet I will get you the best instt
tor, Madame Malisorf, who has trained some v
famous Russian ballet dancers and once was
accomplished ballerina herself. She was
teacher and mentor." And again that fsasw
eerie look came over her.
"I really don't know anything about ballet,
said, my voice trembling. I was afraid she we
want to return me to the orphanage immediai
when she learned how clumsy I was.
"That's all right. That's good. I'd rather 3
didn't know anything," she replied, taking
hand.
"You would?"
"Yes. This way you're pure, an innocent^
untouched dancer, not contaminated by any i
28
BUTTERFLY
diocre teacher. Madame Malisorf will be
pleased," she assured me. "She loves working
with pure talent."
"But I don't have any talent," I said.
"Of course you do."
"I don't think I've even seen a ballet on televi
sion," I confessed.
She laughed and I was glad to see her normal
face returning.
"No, I don't imagine you did, living in those
places with children who have had no opportuni
ties. You mustn't be so afraid," she said softly,
squeezing my hand. "Ballet is not as difficult as
you might imagine and it's not some strange form
of dance reserved only for the very rich. It's just
another way of telling a story, a beautiful way,
through dance. Ballet is the foundation of all
Western theatrical dance. People who want to be
modem dancers or dancers in show business are
always advised to start with ballet."
"Really?"
"Of course." She smiled. "So yousee, you will
be doing something that will help you in so many
ways. You'll have wonderful posture, more grace,
rhythm, and beauty. You will be my prima balleri
na, Janet."
She stared at me with her eyes so full of hope
and love I could only smile back. Suddenly we
heard a door slam and someone hurrying down
the stairs. She turned her chair and I looked back
to see a tall young blond girl come down the
hallway. She was dressed in a maid's uniform. She
had large brown eyes with a nose a little too long
V. C. ANDREWS
and a mouth a little too wide with a weak,!
chin.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Delorice. I didn't hear
drive up."
"Probably because you had those stupid
phones in your ears again, listening to that
rock music," Celine quipped.
The maid cringed and began to shake her 1
vigorously.
"Stop sniveling, Mildred, and meet our da
ter, Janet," Celine said sharply and then her ^
softened. "And Janet, this is our maid. Mil
Stemple."
"How do you do," Mildred said with as
dip. When she smiled, her features shifted an<
actually looked pretty. "Call me Milly."
"She will not," Celine corrected quickly. *
name is Mildred," she told me firmly.
Mildred's smile wilted.
"Hello ... Mildred," I said, not wantin
make waves.
"I was making sure her room was clean
ready. Mis. Delorice," Mildred said, contin
her explanation for not coming to the front d
"You're always leaving things for the last i
ute, Mildred. I don't know why I keep you. ?!
have an earty dinner tonight. You have the ta
roasting, I assume?" »
"Oh yes, Mrs. Delorice." «
"Well, see to getting the rest ready," (3
ordered.
Mildred glanced at me, smiled quickly, a
'That," Celine said, raising her eyes
30
BUTTERFLY
ceiling, "is my act of charity. Anyway, back to
what I was saying. Madame Malisorf will be here
the day after tomorrow to meet you."
"The day after tomorrow?"
"We don't want to waste time, dear. In dance,
especially ballet, training is so important; I wish I
bad found you when you were years younger. It
would have been easier, but don't fret about it.
You're at a perfect age. You'H begin with a sequence
of exercises to build up your precious little
muscles. There is always a great deal of stretching
and warming up to prevent injury. You'll learn
now to use the barre."
"Barre?"
"The bar there is known as a barre," she said
and spelled it out, "All the terms in ballet are
French. Ballet began in FSranee. You^se the barre
to steady yourself during thfe first part of ballet
class. It providesresistance when you press down
on it and helps to lengthen the spine." She
laughed. "Think of it as your first partner. I used
to give my barre a name. I called it Pierre," she
said with a perfect French pronunciation. "I'm
sure you'll find a suitable name for your first
^partner, too."
f' I gazed through the doorway at the barre,
| wondering how I could ever think of it as a
tperson.
"Come along, dear. We have so much to do. I
^d to have you fitted for pointe shoes and buy
»u leotards first thing in the morning."
"What about school?" I asked. She kept wheel"
and then paused at the foot of the stairway.
31
V. a ANDREWS
"Don't worry. I'm enrolling you in a pr
school. We can do that later. First things fi
she said. She started to move into the chairi
First things first? But wouldn't my schoolir
Ae first thing?
"Let me help you, darling," Sanford calle
be came down the stairs.
"I'm fine," she said slipping into the lift c
She pressed a button and it began to move u]
railing, I watched her for a moment She Ion
radiant and excited as she rose above us.
"How wonderful," Sanford declared at my
"Just your coming here has already filled her
new strength. We're blessed to have you,
dear."
I gazed up at him and wondered what I
done to bring such happiness to. two, people
only hours ago had been complete strange
couldn't help being afraid that they had mist;
me for someone else.
^hen I stood in the doorway of the room that
was to be my very own, I felt my mouth fall open.
fcfcver in any of my most wonderful fantasies
?uld I have imagined a room as beautiful as this,
r as big as this, or as warm and co2y. And this
as the first time in my life that a room was all
jane, too!
.""How do you like it?" Celine asked excitedly.
^'Fbr a moment I couldn't speak. Like it? Like is
Go weak a word, I thought. I was to Sleep here? To
Bwe and do my sehoolwork here?
; *It's so big," I began. I was afraid to step inside,
!&aid that if I did, it would all pop and disappear
W a nice dream. Celine Wheeled herself forward
|M Sanford stood behind me with his hands on
shoulders while she inspected the room to be
"Mildred had done a good job.
At least your things have been put
33
V. C. ANDREWS
away," she said. "We're going shopping first t
in the morning to get you some decent cloti
she added.
"I'd like to check on the factory first, deal
come right back and ..." Sanfprd began me'
"You can stay away from your precious fa<
one more day, Sanford. Your manager is <
competent. Anyway," she said, gazing at
"what's more important?" She looked at
pointedly. He said nothing.
Anxious to avoid their heated words
glances, I entered my room. The curtains
flamingo pink as were the canopy, pillows,
comforter on the four-pillar bed. There wa
eggshell white desk with a lamp that had a shaped like a duck. On the walls were paintin
ballet dancers.
"Those are scenes from famous ballets, Jai
Celine explained. "That's Swan Lake, and ti
LeJeune Homme et la Mort. That one is Re
and Juliet," she said, nodding at the one ovei
bed. "I want you to be surrounded in clan'
sleep, eat, and drink it just the way I did. In
it's all you'll care about," she said, and again.
it was an order.
She wheeled herself to a cabinet next to
closet and opened it.
"Here you'll find tapes and CDs of music 15
you to listen to and get to know so well yo^i
hum entire productions. The music must beq
a part of you. You'll surely do as I did, heal
music, even white you're away from the stS
34
BUTTERFLY
and you'll find yourself wanting to pirouette or
perform achangement de pieds."
"What's that?"
She looked at Sanford and smiled.
"Frequently you need to change the position of
your feet, from right foot in front to left foot in
front or vice versa. That's a jump in which you
land with the other foot in front. So, changement
de pieds, change of the feet. Don't worry. It will
be easier than you think,especially for you," she
said.
I looked at Sanford to see if he had as much
confidence in me. His eyes were filled with smiles.
"Let her look around at her new room, Celine."
"Of course," she said, backing away. "Your bathroom is through that door."
I peered in at the round bathtub and stall
shower. All of the fixtures were shiny brass, and
then I saw the towels on the racks. There was
something written on them. I drew closer to read,
"My name is on the towel!" I exclaimed.
Sanford laughed.
"And on the glass and the little soap dish»" he
added.
Amazed, I took it all in. "But
how did you do all this so fast?"
"Remember, I have a factory, and connections,"
he said, clearly amused at my question.
"But how did you know I would come here to
live?" I pursued.
He gazed at Celine, who had wheeled up to the
bathroom door.
V. C. ANDREWS
"I told you, dear, from the moment I set eyes o
you, I knew you were the one. The only one. W
were destined to be a family."
I thought I would simply explode from the wa
happiness filled my heart. A beautiful bed, film
tore, personalized bathroom items, new clothe
everything I could ever want. It was Christmas i
springtime.
"Are you happy?" Sanford asked. ^
"Oh yes." I practically shouted the words an
thought, finally, I'm speaking loudly enough t
please even Mrs. McGuire.
"Good. Change into something casual and F
show you our grounds," Sanford told mi
"There's a lake out back, and in the summer w
get geese."
"I'm going to call Madame Malisorf," Celts
said, "and confirm your first lesson for the da
after tomorrow. I'm so excited--I wonder if vi
should change it to first thing tomorrow? N<
tomorrow well have to get your pointe shoes an
leotards. We mustn't get ahead of ourselves."
"Shouldn't you wait before buying her th
pointe shoes, dear?" Sanford asked softly.
"Absolutely not." She turned to me. "She'
going to be Madame Malisorfs best studen
Since me, of course. What a wonderful day!" Sh
reached for me and then for Sanford. "We'i
finally a family," she said, looking at us with tbs
faraway gaze.
I thought the tears that were burning under m
eyelids would go streaming down my cheeks, b»
36
BUTTERFLY
they remained where they were to wait for another
time. .

After I changed into a pair of old jeans and put
on a blouse and sneakers, I wandered along the
upstairs hallway. There was another bedroom
with the door shut tight and then Sanford and
Celine's room. Celine was inside, resting in bed
and speaking to Sanford, I didn't want to seem
like I was spying on them, so I turned to go
downstairs and wait, when I heard Celine mention
my name.
"Janet will blossom like a flower in our soil,
won't she, Sanford?"
"Yes, dear," he said. "Please. Just rest a bit
now. It's been a very long and emotional day for
all of us."
"And when she does," Celine continued, ignoring
him, "she will dazzle audiences the way I was
meant to dazzle them."
Dazzle audiences? I thought. Me? The one the
other children called Miss Fraidy Cat for as long
as I could remember? The one who couldn't speak
loud enough for someone right beside me to hear
properly? Perform before audiences and dazzle
them? How could I? As soon as Celine and
Sanford realized I couldn't, they would send me
back. I was so sure of it, my heart shriveled into a
tight little knot. The beautiful room, this home,
the promise of a family, all of it really was just a
dream. I bowed my head and slowly descended
the stairs.
I wandered into the living room and gazed up at
37
V. C. ANDREWS
the piaaiAig of Celine that hung above the ma
The artist had captured her in the middle
leap, maybe that changement de pieds she
described. Her legs, the ones that were hi<
under a blanket, lifeless and limp now, lo
shapely and muscular in the painting. She re
bled a bird, soaring, just as she had described
I would feel someday. How graceful and beau
she looked against the dark background.
painting was so lifelike, I half expected her to
before me.
"So here you are." I turned to see Sanfoi
the doorway. "Celine's taking a little rest. C
on. ni show you our grounds. Well walk dov
the lake," he added and I noticed that he spo]
an entirely different voice when Celine w;
around.
When we got outside I saw that the sky
cleared as Celine had said it would. I was tx
ning to wonder if everyone and everything d
Celine asked.
"This way," Sanford said, turning right a
bottom of the steps. He walked with his h
behind his back, his tall, lean body leaning
ward. He took long, lanky strides, one for e
two of mine. "This house was a find. It was in
good shape for its age, but we made a numb
changes and improvements," he said. "I'm
you will be as happy here as we have been, Jai
He smiled at me and nodded at the descen
hillside before us. "Just over the crest is our la
have a rowboat, but we haven't used it for s
time. Can you swim?"
BUTTERFLY
| "No sir," I said softly, afraid to add another
"can't" to my name. Can't dance. Can't swim.
|Can't stay.
"Oh, well, that will have to be remedied before
summer, and please, don't call me sir. If you can't
call me Dad yet, just call me Sanford, okay?" His
eyes twinkled and I relaxed and smiled back at
him. Somehow I'd already gotten the impression
that Sanford was going to be a lot easier to please
thanCeline.
We walked on.
"I have a -service that comes twice a week to
| care for the grounds," he said. He waved his long
arm toward the east. "We own all this property
and then some. I've left woods intact so we have
the privacy and the feeling we're out in nature.
We're really not that far from the city. The private
school you'll attend is only fifteen miles away,
actually. Celine has already made all the arrangements.
I just have to bring you there to enroll
you."
"She has?" It made me feel strange to think that
Celine had been planning a life for me, for us,
before I'd even met her. What if I had said no to
going home with them? But then, I was an orphan,
and orphans never say no.
E Sanford laughed at the perplexed look on my
'face.
| "Oh yes. Celine has been preparing for your
? arrival literally from the first moment sheset eyes
I ? you, Janet. I'll never forget that day. She was so
j excited, she couldn't sleep and she wouldn't stop
telking about you. She talked late into the night

39
V. C. ANDREWS
the painting of Celine that hung above the mant
The artist had captured her in the middle o(
leap, maybe that changement de pieds she h
described. Her legs, the ones that were hidd
under a blanket, lifeless and limp now, look
shapely and muscular in the painting. She resei
bled a bird, soaring, just as she had described h(
I would feel someday. Howgraceful and beautiJ
she looked against the dark background. T
painting was so lifelike, I half expected her to lai
before me.
"So here you are." I turned to see Sanford
the doorway. "Celine's taking a little rest. Coi
on. ni show you our grounds. Well walk down
the lake," he added and I noticed that he spoke
an entirely different voice when Celine wasi
around.
When we got outside I saw that the sky h
cleared as Celine had said it would. I was begi
ning to wonder if everyone and everything did
Celine asked.
"This way," Sanford said, turning right at t
bottom of the steps. He walked with his ban
behind his back, his tall, lean body leaning f<
ward. He took long, lanky strides, one for eve
two of mine. "This house was a find. It was in we
good shape for its age, but we made a number
changes and improvements," he said. "I'm sb
you will be as happy here as we have been, Janet
He smiled at me and nodded at the descend!
hillside before us. "Just over the crest is our lake
have a rowboat, but we haven't used it for sor
time. Can you swim?"
BUTTERFLY
"No sir," I said softly, afraid to add another
"can't" to my name. Can't dance. Can't swim.
Can't stay.
"Oh, well, that will have to be remedied before
summer, and please, don't call me sir. If you can't
call me Dad yet, just call me Sanford, okay?" His
eyes twinkled and I relaxed and smiled back at
him. Somehow I'd already gotten the impression
that Sanford was going to be a lot easier to please
than Celine. '
We walked on.
"I have a service that comes twice a week to
care for the grounds," he said. He waved his long
arm toward the east. "We own all this property
and then some. I've left Woods intact so we have
the privacy and the feeling we're out in nature.
We're really not that far from the city. The private
school you'll attend is only fifteen miles away,
actually. Celine has already made all the arrange
ments. I just have to bring you there to enroll
you."
"She has?" It made me feel strange to think that
Celine had been planning a life for me, for us,
before I'd even met her. What if I had said no to
going home with them? But then, I was an orphan,
and orphans never say no.
Sanford laughed at the perplexed look on my
face.
"Oh yes. Celine has been preparing for your
arrival literally from the first moment she set eyes
on you, Janet. I'll never forget that day. She was so
excited, she couldn't sleep and she wouldn't stop
talking about you. She talked late into the night
V. C. ANDREWS
and when I woke up the next morning, your i
was the first word on her lips."
Rather than fill me with joy, these words
tiay electric shocks of fear along nay spine.'
did Celine see in me that I couldn't see in m
that no one had ever seen before? What if i
all untrue?
"How come you don't have any childn
your own?" I asked.
For a few minutes he walked along silently
I thought perhaps he hadn't heard me, but th
paused, looked back at the house, and sighed
grim expression that I had seen earlier
quickly returning to his face.
"I wanted to have children. Fromthe firs
we were married, I planned on having a fa
but Celine was too devoted to her career, an
believed giving birth would take away fron
power as a dancer.
"Anyway," he said, continuing to walk to
the hill, "she would be the first to admit she d
have the temperament for children in those d
He shook his head. "You would have had to
far and wide to find someone as moody. I fd
an inept weatherman, unable to predict the
of sunshine or the days of gloom. One mo
she was laughing, light, and happy, and the
because of some dissatisfaction with her re:
sal, she would become dark and sad, wilting^
flower without water. Nothing I did could i
her. But," he said, smiling at me again, "now
you're here, that's all going to change. Theise
no more dark days." ^ ^
BUTTERFLY
How could I make Celine so happy that she'd
forget about her legs? Would watching me dance
really make her feel any better about never being
able to dance herself? How was I to be responsible
for Celine's happiness? I was too small and too
shy. I'd never be able to do it.
"I used to feel like I was walking barefoot on
shattered glass when I returned home from busi
ness every day," Sanford continued and his voice
interrupted my worrying. It was nice listening to
him, to hear him open his heart to me as if I was
already part of his family or had been a part of it
for years. I just wish the thoughts and desires he
confided in me were pleasant ones, but the more
Sanford spoke the more I realized how sad and
bitter he was. "Celine's moods were totally unpre
dictable, and after the accident they got worse.
Now, that's all going to be different," he empha
sized cheerily. I could tell he was trying not to say
anything else gloomy.
We stopped at the top of the hill and looked out
at the lake. It shimmered in the sunlight, the water
looking smooth as ice. There was a dock just
below us with the rowboat he had described.
1 "The lake's not that big, only abouta half a mile
.Qs so, but it's nice to have water on your property.
And the geese who visit every year are quite a
sight toward the end of the summer. You'll see,"
| he said. I was happy tohear him plan on my being
^ttere for a long time. .'
I s "It's pretty," I said. I was thankful he'd changed
^ifte subject. ... .
^ "Yes, it is." He thought a moment and then
41
V. C.ANDREWS
looked at me. "Well, I've been talking about us
much, I haven't given you a chance to talk abo
yourself. What are the things you like to do? D
you ever ice-skate or roller-skate?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"I'm sure you haven't ever gone skiing. Do y<
play any sports?"
"I only play sports in school. I usually doi
play at the orphanage."
"What about books? Doyou like to read?"
"Yes"
"Good. We have a very good library. I likse
read. I suppose you like television."
I nodded.
"And movies?"
"I haven't gone many times," I said. Actually
could count the times on my fingers.
"Your life is going to change so much, Jan<
I'm almost more excited for you than I am for v
Come along," he added after a moment "I
show you the wild berry bushes."
I hurried to keep up with him. Berry bushes,
lake with a nwboat, beautiful flowers and perso
al gardeners, a private .school, and new clothes.
was beginning to believe I really was Cinderella!
just hoped that I could hold off the stroke i
midnight for as longas possible, i

; That aighfr I Aad my first dinner in my ne
home. Celine wore a candy apple red knit dre
with gold. teardrop earrings and a necklace th
had a cameo in a gold frame. She looked beairi
fat Sanford wore a suit and tie. lhad only ti
42 , I
BUTTERFLY
n-out light blue dress I had worn at the
hanage for our first meeting.
he dining room was lit by a large chandelier
r the table. All of the dishes, the napkins,
dies, and silverware looked so expensive I was
lid to touch a thing. Stanford sat at one end of
long table and Celine at the other with me on
side. Mildred began to serve the food just
ments after we sat, down. Nothing felt as
nge as having a servant. From the day we were
; to do for ourselves at the orphanage, we took
; of our own needs.
watched how Celine ate, pecking at her food
a small bird. Meanwhile Sanford explained to
which piece of silverware to use and dining
[uette. Everything was so delicious and I was
Y hungry, but Celine didn't allow me to eat as
A as I would have liked,
Don't offer her seconds on the potatoes," she
nnanded when Sanford reached for the bowl.
from this day forward, she has to watch her diet.
icers," she explained, turning to me, "have to
ntain their figures. Excess fat just won't do. It
slow you down and make you clumsy. Even
agh I don't dance anymore, I still watch my
re. Habits become part of who you are, define
r personality. Remember that, Janet. I'm pass- all my wisdom on to you, the wisdom that was
sed on to me by very famous and successful
pie."
left the table that night still feeling a little
W, something I never did at the orphanage.
w strange it was to look at all those delicious
V. C. ANDREWS
things and have to keep from tasting tl
glanced at Celine every time Sanford
something along, and if she frowned or ]
displeased, I didn't take any of it. Passing
delicious-looking chocolate cake with c
white frosting made my stomach grumble k
""You'll notice," Celine said, wheeling
me as wewent to the living room, "that yot
have a television set in your room. I know t
ers are fond of that, but between your scho<
and your dancing, you won't have time for
else, especially frivolous things. I never die
"I didn't watch a lot of television at the 01
age," I replied. "There was only the one set
recreational room and the older boys alwe
cided what we would all see. I'd rather rea
"Good. I have a book on ballet that I wa
to start tonight," she told me and wheeled p
into the living room. I followed and watch
pluck a book from the shelves. She held it <
me and I hurried to take it
"It's full of basic information," she sai
you won't look stupid when you meet M)
MaUsorf the day after tomorrow."
"Oh, she's far too excited to read and ret
that, Celine," Sanford said quietly. Icouldn
but think that if he just spoke more sti
Celine might just listen to him.
"Nonsense. I'm sure she's tired, too, and
want to go up to her room, get into her be
read." She turned to me, obviously looking i
agreement.
44
BUTTERFLY
11 looked at Sanfbrd, at the book, and then at
feline.
I "Yes," I said. "I am tired."
"Of course. It's not every day that you get to
art your life over again," Celine said. She
ached up for my hand and held it. "We're so
jke, you and I, it's as if you really were my
roghter."
I saw tears in her eyes. They put tears into mine.
[y heart thumped with the promise of finding
;al love, real joy.
"Get a good night's rest," she said. "Welcome
»your new home."
She pulled me down to her and kissed me on
ie cheek. It was the first time in my life someone
ho wanted to be my mother had kissed me. I
wallowed back my tears of happiness and headed
it the door. Sanford stopped me and kissed me
a the cheek, too.
"Good night, Janet. Just call me if you need
lything," he said.
I thanked him and hurried up the stairway with
}e ballet book in my hands.
Then I went into my room and just stood there
aing around in wonderment.
I had a home.
I was someone's child.
Finally.
Four

Celine was so excited about getting me re
my ballet lessons the next day that she was
at my door before I had opened my eyes.
had finally laid my head on the fluffy pill
night, I had turned and gazed at myself in 1
mirror. The bed was so large, I looke
smaller than I was. It made me laugh. Bu
so comfortable, the most comfortable be<
ever slept in» and all the linen smelted fit
brand new. The next thing I knew,
morning.
"Rise and shine, rise and shine," Celine
she wheeled herself into my room. "We?
great deal to do today, Janet."
I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and s
"Oh, you slept in your underwear!" sfaj
"Dont you have a nightie?" i
"No." I said.
BUTTERFLY
tow do they send you out into the world
out a nightie? Up, up, up. Get washed and
sed and come down to breakfast in fifteen
utes. We're off to the shops," she said with a
;p of her hand. Then she turned and wheeled
of my room.
hurried to do what she asked, and in ten
utes, I was on my way down thestairs. San-
was already dressed in his jacket and tie and
ng at the breakfast table reading the news-
ir. ' • • •• ',,.,.•
Mildred," Celine called as soon as I set foot in
lining room. ,
ildred came from the kitchen carrying a tray
orange juice, buttered toast, and a poached
I had never had a poached egg before. I stared
all when it was set before me. ?
fou start your diet today," Celine explained
n she saw my curious expression.
)iet?" I had never been accused of being
weight. Everyone always thought I was under-
sloped. "But I don't weigh a lot," I said.
sline laughed.
Met isn't something you watch just to lose
ht. Diet in this case means eating properly. A
ser is an athlete and has to eat and live like
Janet," Celine explained. "Go on, eat," she
red. , .' •-^ .:- :• .•••- 1 -.
nford lowered his paper and gave me a sym-
®tic smile as I drank my juice.
%d you sleep well?" he asked.
fes,"Isaid.
dine leaned toward me to whisper, "Daddy."
47
V.C.ANDREWS
"Yes, Daddy,",! corrected.
"Good," Sanford said. "Good." He return
his paper while Celine went on about
schedule.
"I have appointments arranged at the shoe
for your pointe shoes, and then we'll go ti
shop where I will get you your dancing 01
After that we'll go to the department store at
you some more clothes, regular shoes, unde
ments, and a nice jacket for you to wear,'
cataloged. "Oh, and a nightie."
"What about school?" I asked between bi
couldn't help thinking about what it was got
be like to have new teachers and meet new
dren my age.
"School can wait another day," she dec!
"I'm sure you're a very good student and it take you very long to catch up."
I was a good student, but I was still surpris
how confident she was about my abilities. Sai
folded his paper, sipped his coffee, and nod<
"After that, we'll swing by the factory,
added.
"If we have time," Celine corrected,
I had barely swallowed my last bite ofbrea
when she pushed away from the table anc
clared I should go brush my teeth and "Do
bathroom business." We were to meet at the j
door in ten minutes.
Everything was ten minutes, five minutes. 1
woman in a wheelchair, she had an unbelief
amount of energy. Rushing up the stairs, I thfl
I bad been woken to participate in some so
48
BUTTERFLY
*athon, but I was afraid to utter a single
[able of complaint. Sanford seemed very happy
rtit Celine's excitement and energy and they
nted to do so much for me.
(y the time I returned, Celine was already in
car waiting. Sanford was just putting her
eelchair in the trunk.
Hurry," she called. "I want to get everything
ie in one day."
t ran to the car and got in. Moments later, we
reoff.
^Getting the proper pointe shoes is paramount
success as a dancer," Celine lectured,as we
)ve along. "In ballet, maybe more than in
ything, initial preparations are very, very im-
rtant. Your shoes should fit like a second skin.
ere is no room for growth. When you put them
before practice, don't tie the drawstring too
it. You can damage your Achilles tendon. Let
see your feet," she suddenly ordered.
^Myfeet?"
"Yes, yes, your feet. I need to check something.
Should have done it before," she muttered.
I took off my sneakers arid peeled off my socks.
te reached back between the seats and pulled my
tt toward her and inspected my toes.
"Oh," she cried, "these toenails are too long.
*<to't they teach you anything at that orphanage?
*» must keep your toenails short. Cut them
^ morning, every morning, do you hear?"
"^s," I said, nodding.
She reached into her purse and found a nail
'PPer. She handed it to me and watched as I
V. C.ANDREWS
trimmed my toenails. My hands shook
thought I might cut myself, but Celine we
ing to sound angry and I wanted to pleas<
"Are you sure the store will be open thi
Celine?" Sanford asked as we approaci
business district.
"Of course I'm sure. I made a specific a
ment. They know how important this is l
she added, and her voice was finally calm
I put on my Socks and sneakers quid
gazed out the window as we slowed doi
stopped before the specialty shop. Sanfo
ried around to get Celine's wheelchair ou
trunk.
"It's such an inconvenience having to ^
that damn thing, and Sanford moves slow
a turtle," she muttered. She was so anxiou
into the store and have me fitted with
shoes. I wished I could be as excited abo
she was, but I felt as if I had been caught
whirlwind and barely had a chance to bres
soon as she was in her chair, she called
"Come on, Janet. We're late."
When we entered the store, the sales
short, chubby bald man with thin wire I
planted on his thick nose, came waddlio
the rear to greet us. i
"Mrs, Delorice," he said, "Good mom)
so nice to see—" s,
"Here she is," Celine interrupted. "Ja
and take off your sneakers and socks." 4
The salesman nodded at Sanford.
BUTTERFLY
"Mr. Delorice."
"Good morning, Charles. How have you been?"
[anford asked.
"Oh, fine,just fine."
I "Please, let's concentrate," Celine demanded.
Charles frowned and squatted to study my feet.
e held them in his hands as if they were jewels,
;ently turning them from side to side. He felt
•ound under my toes and pressed on my heels.
"Exquisite," he said.
"She may look small to you, but she is not
fragile," Celine assured him.
"Oh, I can see the potential, Mrs. Delorice, yes.
Let me get her fitted." He looked genuinely
pleased.
He rose and headed back to the rear of the
store.
"All pointe shoes are handmade»" Celine ex
plained. "There is no right or left to them, so
r don't be confused."
I? "They must cost a lot," I said. I hoped her
? money wouldn't be wasted.
^f "Of course they do if they're good ones, and
»you must have the best. Our equipment, our
(dress, all of our preparations are very important
| "for us, Janet," she said. It was the first time she
had included herself and it sounded funny. It was
^as if she would rise out of the wheelchair and do
one of her pirouettes in the shoe store.
|s Charles brought three pairs and tried each on
| »y feet. Celine tested them as much as he did. She
Aad me stand and then walk across the store.
V. C. ANDREWS
"Very graceful young lady," Charles <
mented. I was beginning to wonder if Celine
right. Maybe I could be a dancer.
"Yes, she is," Celine said, her eyes shining
excitement "How do those feely Janet? Ren
her, I want you to think of them as a second sl
"Good, F guess," I said. 1 really wasn't su
had never worn this land of shoe before, a
didn't know how they should feel
"Those have Toe-Flo," Charles remarked,
best stuff ever invented for padding."
"I don't want her to become too depender
that. I want her feet to toughen quickly." Cel
eyes darkened.
"Oh, they will," he promised.
"Well see.We'll take them," she conclude
"Very good choice, Mrs. Delorice," Ch
said and I could almost see the dollar i
floating through his mind.
I sat and began to take the shoes off.
"We have to have the best so we can dev
quickly," Celine said. She smiled at me
stroked my hair. "We're going to become pi
ballerinas."
I looked at Sanford, who stood near the d
way. Again, I caught him wearing an expressk
very deep concern, his eyes dark and concenti
on Celine. Then he saw me gazing at him an
smiled quickly.
After the shoes were purchased, we wenta
store that sold the dancing costumes, called fl
and leotards. Celine bought me a half di
S2 ]
BUTTERFLY
utfits, and this was only the beginning of what
oon became a shopping frenzy. We went to the
epartment store and flew through the lingerie
epartment, shoe department, and then the cloth-
og department. The registers clicked and dinged,
M-inting out reels of receipts. It was as if all the
;lothing I should have had since birth was being
»ought now. In one day I was catching up with
snildren who hadn't been; orphans. I barely had
ime to take a breath before I was being herded
ato another section of the store, measured, fitted,
md dressed to model whatever Celine thought
eight look nice. Price tags didn't seem to matter.
She never looked at a single one, nor did she blink
? eye when the totals were rung up. An she did
iras hold her hand out to Stanford, who produced
US credit card.
| Just a day before, I had thought of myself as an
Igect of charity, cast off, living as a child of the
Itate, without parents, without family, without
gpyone really caring if I looked nice or felt com-
iBrtable in my clothing and shoes. Suddenly, I was
| little princess. Who could blame me for being
iftaid that I would blink and be back at the
nage, waking from a dream?

lost as if it pained her, Celiae reluctantly
1 to stop for lunch. Sanford took us to a nice
rant and told me I could order whatever I
d from the menu, but Celine intercepted
mediately and forbade me from ordering a big
hamburger.
53
V. C. ANDREWS
"Choose a salad," she said. "You have to
your fat content now."
"She's growing," Sanford said softly, •
burn off any calories, Celine."
"It's not what shell burn off that's imp
It's development of good habits, Sanford. PJ
know what I'm doing. I was the one who tt
not you. And I don't want to hear aboi
spoiling her when I'm not with you, Sanfor<
Said, warning him with her eyes wide.
He looked at me and laughed, but it was <
laugh, a laugh of embarrassment
"I like salads," I said to stop any more
ments.
"There, you see. She has a natural proclr
do the right thing. It's in her nature. She's ii
tive, just as I was, Sanford. She's me. She i
stands," she said, smiling at me. As mud
made me uncomfortable, I knew I could
please her. I just had to agree to go alonj
anything she said. I think Iwas beginnj
understand why Sanford looked so grim
time.
Sanford wanted us to share dessert, but (
refused.
"She can have something after dinner tor
she compromised and we were off again, thi
to buy toiletries Celine decided I would ne
"I want you to take special care of yom
Janet. Vow complexion, your looks are vej
portant. You're a performer, an artist, a f
natural work of art yourself. That's how^
54
BUTTERFLY
ight to think and believe and that's how I want
i to think," she declared.
When we were in that section of the store, she
ailed me aside soSanford wasn't able to hear us.
"Have you had your period yet?" she asked.
"No," I answered softly. It embarrassed me to
jnut it because all the girls I knew who were my
ye and evensome a year younger had already had
ieir first period.
Celine looked intently at me a moment. Then
ie nodded.
"Nevertheless, we'll be prepared for it," she
iid, and bought what I would need.
By the time we left the business district and
faded for Sanford's glass factory, I was getting
red. Celine, however, continued to look ener-
zed. She talked and talked about my ballet
ssons, preparing me for my first session with
[adame Malisorf.
"A ballet class is a carefully graded sequence of
exercises lasting at least an hour and a half, Janet.
^fiou'U begin with stretching and warming-up exercises
using the barre. Madame Malisorf likes to
<pend nearly an hour doing that. Next, you'll
ffiove to the center of the studio to work without
fupport. This second part of the class we call
^oge. It consists of slow work emphasizing susWning
positions and balance. The third part of
tte class is called allegro, and that consists of fast
^ork, combinations, sequences of steps with the
^ jumps and turns that make ballet impressive.
^ you remember all that, Janet? Madame Mal?lbne of voice that I should memorize ^
^said.
•titllBjd her I had read some of it in the bool
ll^pj^en me and that I would be sure to mec
^Iftl^adame Malisorf.
?^^!od. You'll pick it up faster than aw
fleets. I just know you will," she said.
"We're here," Sanford announced proudi
seemed that aside from pleasing Celine, the fi
ry was the most important thing in Sanford's
Maybe soon I would be added to the list.
The factory looked much bigger than I
expected and there were dozens and dozen
cars parked in the lot. Sanford owned all this'
lyonder money didn't seem to matter, I thou
II "I'm really very tired, Sanford," Celine
denly said. "I should take a rest."
"But... well, can't I show Janet the plant
check on some matters?" The smile and pi
glow were gone from his face.
"Take me home first," she commanded ter!
"Besides, Janet's seen the factory. Why does
||, have to go in and be exposed to all that dust
|| "Dust? It's not dusty inside, Celine. You k
how proud I am of our industrialenvirbnme
He was starting to whine.
a
"Please," she groaned. "Between you and I
dy, I hear more than enough about business.
parents own a printing plant," she explain
"Please, drive on, Sanford." J
I could see his Jaw tightening as he looked al
and then he gazed at his factory and shrugge
56
BUTTEKFLY
"I just thought since we were already here ..."
He had already given up. He sounded like one of
us orphans when we'd been passed up by yet
another set of potential parents.
"She's not just visiting us, Sanford. She's come
to live with us. There will be Other times," Celine
reminded him.
"Of course. You're right, dear. Home it is," he
said and started off with a sigh.
But what about my school? I couldn't help but
wonder. Shouldn't we go there now?
Celine seemed to read my thoughts.
"In the morning Sanford will take you to the
private school and have you enrolled," she said.
"And when you come home, Madame Malisorf
will be there, waiting for you.
"Then," she added, her face filled with that
eerie light and excitement from before, "we'll
beginagain."
-Later that evening when Celine began to qu
me about what I had read in the book on bi
felt as if I had already, enrolled in a new s
She was like a teacher, correcting, explainin
assigning me more reading. She wanted to b
I knew the names of all the famous ballets.
"I haven't told Madame Malisorf an;
about your background, Janet. She doesn't h
know you've lived all your life in an orphaa
she said. "You could be a distant relative '
I've adopted."
It was the first time she had said anythin
made me feel ashamed of where I'd come fi
remembered the first time I heard someonn
to me as an orphan. It happened on the
ground at school. I was in the fourth grade a
were outside at recess. There was a small si^j
the girls used for hopscotch and we of
BUTTERFLY
nered up. When one of the giris, Blair Cummings,
was left with me, she complained.
"I don't want to be with her. She's too small,
and besides, she's an orphan," she remarked, and
the others looked at me as if I had a wart on my
nose. I remember my face became hot and tears
felt like boiling drops under my eyelids. I turned
and ran away. Later, when our teacher. Miss
Walker, found me sitting alone in a corner of the
playground, she asked if I was sick.
"Yes," I said. It was a convenient way to escape
liany more ridicule. "I have a stomachache."
|^ She sent me to the nurse's office and I was told
to lie quietly after the nurse had taken my temper- iRtore even though she found that I didn't have a
E. I suppose that was why people thought of
? sickly. Whenever I felt singled out, I would
get these "stomachaches" and be thankful
|Sr the excuse to disappear. Being an orphan
pade me want to be invisible.
y*Most of Madame Malisorfs pupils," CeHne
Motinued, "come from the finest families, people
I culture who have raised their children in a
fBrid of music and art and dance. They have a
ftd start, but don't you worry, dear," she added,
tching out to touch my cheek. "You have me
withal, that is a much better head start than any
ipthe more fortunate ones have had."
Bpfter dinner I sat with her and Sanford and
Bpoed to Celine's descriptions of some of the
B^ces in which she had performed.
^Madame Malisorf compared me to Anna Pav- ^^ Have you ever heard ofhei?"Celine asked. I
V. C. ANDREWS
hadn't of course. She shook her head and
"It's a crime, a crime that someone li.
someone who is a diamond in the rough, t
denied so much, denied the opportunity.
Heaven I saw you that day," she declared
No one had ever even suggested I had s
of talent, much less thought of me as a diar
the rough. When I left Celine that night ai
to my room, I stood in front of my ful
mirror in my new pointe shoes and my 1
and studied my tiny body, hoping to se<
thing that would convince me I was speci;
saw was an underdeveloped little girl w
frightened eyes.
I crawled into bed that night terrified ov
was to come.
The next morning after breakfast, Sanfo
me to the Peabody School, a private scho
principal was a woman named Mrs. Willial
was tall but not too thin, with light bro\softline neatly styled. I thought she had a very
friendly smile, and was nothing like the pi
in my former school, Mr. Saks, who ;
always to be grouchy and unhappy, and w
always anxious to punish students for vi
one rule or another. Often he perched
corridors like a hawk watching and waiti
was always charging in and out of the bath
hoping to catch someone smoking.
Peabody was a much smaller school, ai
much cleaner and newer. I was surprised
was brought to a classroom where there we
eight other students, three boys and five gii
60
BUTTERFLY
my grade there was one teacher. Miss London,
yho taught English and history, and another
teacher, Mr. Wiles, who taught math and science.
sOur physical education teacher, Mrs. Grant, also
taught health education. I discovered there were
only 257 students in the whole school.
"The classes are so small you know you're going
to get special attention here," Sanford told me.
He was right. All of my teachers were very nice
and took the time to explain what I had to do in
order to catch up with my classmates.
' What I liked most of all was that I was enrolled
"laid introduced to the other students as Janet
fipelorice, and no one was told that I had been
adopted and had been an orphan before this.
Everyone simply assumed I was transferring from
I another private school, and I did nothing to cause
[them to think otherwise.
^ I thought most of the girls were snobby as well
f|as most of the boys, but one boy. Josh Brown, who
^asn't all that much taller or bigger than me, gave
e the warmest smile and greeting when I sat next
him in my first class. Afterward, he walked with
i and told me about the school and the teachers.
ie color of his hair was so similar to mine, we
d have been brother and sister. He didn't look
me, however. He had dark brown eyes and a
id face with firmer lips and a nose that tipped
at the end. When he smiled, I thought he was
e, although i didn't dare say so.
'Did your parents just move here?" he asked
between classes.
'No. My father owns a glass factory," I told
61
V.C. ANDREWS
him as I thought of ways to avoid telling him I to
come from an orphanage. '
He thought a moment and nodded, s
"Yeah, I know where it is." He seemed satisfy
with my answer and I was happy to let ti
conversation drop. . ;
Later in the day, the girls asked more question
and I could see that one girl, Jackie dark, ^
suspicious. ;
"You didn't attend a private school before, d
you?" she pursued. ^
"No," I admitted hesitantly. I was really goi
to have to get better at creating a story for myse
"Were you a problem child?" Betty Lowe ask
quickly.
"No,"Isaid.
"You didn't get into big trouble?" Jackie f
lowed.
I shook my head.
"How are your grades, pretty bad?" Betty ask
with, anod and a smile as if she hoped they we
"No. I have good grades," I told her.
They looked at each other, confused and sb
tical. ".' .'/,"'/, "} 1 .' ..... .':;'. ''
"Why weren't you in a private school befc
then?" Jackie demanded.
I shrugged. ;
"My parents just decided," I said vaguely,
"I'd rather be in a public school," Betty
ranted.
"Not me," Jackie responded, and they got i
their own argument and forgot about me for
62
BUTTERFLY
moment. That was when Josh offered to show me
around some more and we left the others. I
enjoyed my first day at my new school so much,
maybe because of Josh, that I nearly forgot Ma-
dame Malisorf would be waiting for me when I
got home.
At the end of the school day Sanford was
waiting in front of the school to bring me home.
"There may be times when 111 have to have one
of my employees pick you up, Janet. Whoever it is
will be very nice," he assured me. "Oh, and you
don't have to tell Celine, she never understands
why sometimes work needs to come first. I enjoy
taking a break to come get you, but I just won't be
able to do it every day. Don't worry, Celine won't
find out, it'll be our little secret."
I tried not to worry about there being yet
another secret between us, another secret kept
from Celine, and concentrated on the drive. There
was some roadwork being done between our
home and the school, and we got stuck in a traffic
jam about a mile from the school. I didn't think it
was so terrible, but Sanford was getting very
nervous. He kept muttering, "Damn, damn,"
under his breath, and chastising himself for not
taking a detour. Finally, we were sailing along
again. He drove a lot faster and I couldn't help
thinking about the terrible car accident he and
Celine had been in. The wheels squealed as we
turned up the drive and came td an abrupt stop in
front of the house.
I carried my new books in my arms and hurried
63
V. C. ANDREWS
to the front door with him. Celine was waiti
the entryway, sitting in her wheelchair and s
ing at us as if she had been waiting at the do<
hours.

"Why are you so late?" she demanded as
as we entered the house.
"Roadwork," Sanford began to explain. "I
"I don't have time for your excuses, San;
Just go on back to your precious factory."
spat the words through clenched teeth and
turned her angry face to me. "Janet, Mad
Malisorf is waiting in the studio. Put your b<
down--come along."
I placed my books on the entryway table, gi
at Sanford with wide, frightened eyes, and t
started after Celine. My heart was pounding
entered the studio. The first thing that astoun
me was how small Madame Malisorf was. Fi
the way Celine had described her, I picture
towering figure at least as impressive as ^
McGuire. Madame Malisorf looked to be no m
than five feet tall. Her hair was all gray and ^
face was full of wrinkles, but she had such a tn
athletic body, she looked like a young person v(
had prematurely aged. Her eyes washed overj
as I followed Celine across the floor.
Madame Malisorf wore her hair pinned up i)
huge twist. She wore black leotards and pou
shoes like the ones Celine had bought for me.HI
hps were scarlet and her eyes were charc^
smudges in her pale, pale face. ^
"Janet, this is Madame Malisorf," Celine sal
64
BUTTERFLY
and I was amazed to hear that she no longer
sounded angry. It was as if crossing the threshold
of the studio transformed her.
"Hello," I said and smiled weakly.
She simply stared at me and then turned to
Celine.
"You know I don't like to put girls onto full
pointe until they are thirteen, Celine, no matter
how long they've studied."
"She'll be thirteen very shortly, Madame," Ce
line said.
Madame Malisorf smirked with skepticism.
"She looks no more than nine or ten."
"I know. She's small but she's precious and
very talented," Celine said.
"We'll see. I want you to walk to the far wall
and back," Madame Malisorf commanded.
I gazed at Celine, who smiled and nodded
encouragement. Then I walked to the wall,
turned, and walked back.
"Well, Madame?" Celine asked quickly. It was
obvious she expected Madame Malisorf to agree
with her assessment of me.
"She does have good posture and balance. The
neck looks a bit weak, but that will be rectified
quickly. Stand on your toes," she ordered, and I
did. When I started to lower myself, she barked,
"No, stay there until I tell you otherwise."
I did what she asked and waited. My calves
began to shake and to ache, but I held myself up. I
could feel my face turning red.
"Hold your arms straight out," she ordered.
65
V. C. ANDREWS
I did that, too.
"Keep your head high, your eyes stn
ahead."
It felt like some sort of torture, but bee
Celine was watching me with that smile on
face, I forced myself to endure. My whole I
began to shake. I hoped it would be easie
pointe shoes.
"Relax," Madame Malisorf said. "G
strength, good balance for someone without
training/You might be right, Celine," she s
"but it will take a grand effort. As far as po
work, we'll see how long it will take to get
ready." She turned back to me. "Change into y
exercise outfit and be back in ten minutes,"
ordered.
There was that ten minutes again. Celine n
ded at me and I hurried out and up the' stairs
my room to get into my leotards. Celine was ri
about how Madame Malisorf conducted her cli
She demonstrated and then put me into <
exercise after another at the barre. Repetition i
the magic word. She barked her Orders and
pected me to obey instantly. If I paused to cat
my breath, she sighed deeply and said, "Wel
And Celine would give a little cough from i
doorway where she was sitting. She hadn't told i
she was going to watch my tessons and v
making me even more nervous. I performed ea
move so many times, I thought I would do each
the exercises in my sleep. Finally, Madame Ml
sorf had me move away from the barre and wq
on standing with my feet turned out.
66
BUTTERFLY
"For various reasons having to do with the
structure of the hip joint," she explained, "a
dancer can obtain the greatest extension if the leg
is rotated outward, away from its usual position.
This rotation will enable you to move to the side
as readily as to the front or back. This position is
known as*—"
"Turnout," I said quickly. I wanted to impress
her with my knowledge. . ,
"Yes," she said, but she didn't seem surprised
or even very pleased. Instead, she looked annoyed
that I had finished her sentence. From her reflec
tion in the mirror I could see Celine's eyesfill with
warning and I moved quickly into the position as
it had been described in the book.
"No, no," Madame Mialisorf cried. "You don't
begin from the ankles. You do not force your feet
into that position and let everything from there
on up follow. Turnout begins at the hip joint."
She seized me at the waist and had me do it
repeatedly,until I satisfied her. It was too soon in
my training to go on to jumps so we returned to
the barre for more exercise.
"I willget you strong enough so you can at
tempt the moves I will teach you," she said
confidently. , ;
When we finished for this day, I was aching all
over, especially in my hips and legs. The pain was
so deep in places, it made my eyes tear, but I
dared not utter a syllable of complaint. All the
while as I worked with Madame Malisorf, Celine
watched from her wheelchair, nodding and smil
ing after everythingMadame Malisorf said.
67
V. C. ANDREWS
"She'll be wonderful, absolutely wondei
won't she, Madame Malisorf?" Celine askec
the end of the session.
"We shall see," Madame Malisorf replied,
eyes cold and critical.
"I have already fitted her for pointe shoes.'
"We can't rush her along, Celine," Madi
Malisorfsnapped. "You, of all people, she
know that." ;
"We won't, but she'll progress rapidly," Ce
said undaunted. "I'll see to it. She'll practice:
practice, Madame."
"I should hope so," she said directly to
"You can't expect to become a dancer with <
our sessions." She thought a moment and adc
"Next time, I think I'll bring another pi
along." She turned to Celine. "It's good to h
someone else work alongside her."
"Yes, yes, fine," Celine said. "Thank you.
morrow then?"
"Tomorrow," Madame Malisorf replied,!
began to gather her things.
Tomorrow? Will I have lessons every da^
wondered. When will my poor little body hai
chance to recuperate?
As soon as Madame Malisorf left, Cel
wheeled over to me, her eyes blazing with exc
ment;
"She likes you. I know she does. I've known
a long time. If she didn't think you had potent
she would simply refuse to be your dance instil
tor. She doesn't waste her time on medic
students, and for her to volunteer to bring at
68
BUTTERFLY
another one of her special students... well, you
just don't understand what that means, Janet.
That must be why you're not as excited as you
should be. You have to be excited, Janet. Don't
you see? Madame agrees with me. You're going to
be a prima ballerina. This is wonderful, wonder
ful," she said, clapping her hands.
I tried to smile through my aches and pains. It
made her laugh.
"Don't worry about your pains, Janet. Go soak
in a hot tub before dinner. After a few more
sessions, you won't be so sore. You'll see. Oh, I
can't wait to tell Sanford about the lesson. I was
right. I knew it. I was right," she said, spinning
around in her chair and wheeling toward the
doorway.
What had I done to make her so confident, I
wondered, besides parading across the studio,
rising up on my toes, balancing myself, and then
performing some vigorous exercises that left me
feeling like I'd been hit by a truck?
I followed Tier out and walked up the stairway to
my room much slower than I had the day before.
It wasn't until I was in my room and the door was
closed that I permitted myself my first groan.
Then I ran water for a bath and soaked my sore
muscles. Later, at dinner, my work in the studio
with Madame Malisorfwas all Celine would dis
cuss. Sanford tried to ask me questions about my
first day at school, but Geline continually inter
rupted with advice about this and that work at the
barre. ,
"I wish you could have been there to see her,
69
V.C. ANDREWS
Sanford. At times I felt like I was looking at mys
in the mirror when my mother used to coi
around to watch me, too," she added.
I wondered when I was to meet my new grar
parents, but there was no mention of their visit
our visiting them.
Celine wanted me to remain with her at
dinner and talk about dance some more, I
Sanford reminded her that I had to catch up oi
great deal of schoolwork.
"Schoolwork," she said disdainfully. "Somed
and someday soon, she'll have a tutor, just a;
had."
"You mean you stopped going to school?*
asked.
"Of course. Dance was everything to me, an<3
will be to you, Janet. You'll see," she predicte(
Just dance and have a tutor all the time,
wondered, but what about friends and parties a
most of all, boyfriends? I didn'Uook very enthu
astic about it, I guess. Her mouth turned down
a frown.
"What's wrong?" sheasked quickly,
"She's very tired, Celine," Sanford answer
for me. "This has been a big day, one of t
biggest in her life, I imagine."
Celine studied me a moment and then smile
"Yes, yes, I'm sure that's it. Go do^yoar scho
work, dear, and then get some beauty sleep."
I was excused and returned to my room. rm
moment I just sat at my desk and gazed at t
small mountain of reading I had to do. Getting
70
BUTTERFLY
new home and a new family wasn't as easy as I'd
always dreamed it would be.
When I stretched against the back of my chair,
my lower back and the backs of my legs screamed
out in pain. I looked at myself in the mirror and
groaned. I had some news for my tired little body.
"There'll be much more pain to come."
JMadame Malisorf kept her promise. The us
day when Sanfbrd brought me home from schc
there was an older boy waiting in the studio w
her. I don't know why, but I expected the stud
she was bringing along for my lessons to
another girl. The sight of a boy in his tights t(
me by such surprise, I simply stood there gap
stupidly at him. He had to be at least fifteen
sixteen, and was at least six inches taller than
with raven black hair and eyes that glittered 1
black onyx. He had a dark complexion, but
mouth was so red, it looked like he was wear
lipstick. It didn't look like there was an ounce
fat on his body.
He had muscular shoulders and very musci
legs. His tights fit him like a second skin, so t
there wasn't much left to my imagination, i
talk was often the topic'of conversation for
SUTTERFLy
older girls at the orphanage, and I couldn't help
but want to listen in on their experiences.
Through what they'd told me and what I over
heard, I thought I knew everything I was supposed
to know at my age, despite not having an older
sister or mother to take me aside to discuss the
birds and the bees. However, I had never been in
the same room with an older boy who looked
so... so naked. I couldn't help blushing. I saw.
immediately that my embarrassment annoyed
him, so I shifted my eyes away,
"This is Dimitri Rocmalowitz," Madame Mal-
isorf said. "He is one of my best students and
often instructs new students on the basics. Of
course, he has a way to go, but he is a very
talented and precise dancer. When he tells you to
do something, you should treat him with the same
respect and regard you would treat me. Po you
understand, Janet?"
"Yes, Madame," i replied skeptically. Dimitri
looked too young to be such an amazing dancer. It
would be strange taking, direction from him.
"Watching someone who has mastered as much
as Dimitri has win help you understand what is
expected of you," she continued. "Today and
from now on, I want you to begin our sessions
wearing these leg warmers," she added as she
handed me a bright purple pair of heavy wool leg
warmers.
After I put them on we proceeded immediately
to the barre and I noticed that Celine had wheeled
herself into the corner of the room, where she sat
with her hands folded on her lap,and watehed.
V. C. ANDREWS
Dimitri went right into a warmup drill and 1
moment all I could do was watch. He didn't s
shy or nervous to be dancing in front of us. It
as if he was in his own world. His legs moved ^
such grace and speed while he held his body
perfectly vertical line.
"Begin,'* Madame Malisorf said, and I
proached the barre, standing just a few feet f
Dimitri. "No, don't hold the barre that tight
she said. "See how Dimitri uses it only for
ance."
I tried to relax and we began a series of exen
that included the plies, the tendus, and the gli.
all that she had shown me the day before. F
there we moved to thefondus and then the r<
dejambe6 terre. First, Madame Malisorf w<
describe what she wanted. Then Dimitri w<
demonstrate, always with a proud look on his
as if he was dancing for an audience of thousa
and then I would begin, usually followed
Madame Malisorf s quick, "No, no, no. Dim
again. Watch him, Janet. Study the way h
holding his back and his neck."
Sometimes it took me so long to satisfy h<
was practically in tears before she let me go o
something else, always with the conditional st
ment, "We'll work on that." There wasnt <
thing I wouldn't be working on, seemingly fop
and ever, I thought.
When we got to the turnout again, the pal
totaling my hips nearlymade me cry out in pa
BUTTERFLY
just when I thought there would be a short break
so I could catch my breath, she was on to something
new with Dimitri demonstrating and then
me trying to mimic his moves.
The session lasted longer than the one we had
the day before. I was sweating so much, I felt the
dampness in my leotards, which were now glued
to my skin. Finally, Madarae MaHsorfdid give us
a short break and I collapsed to the floor. Ma-
dame Malisorfwent to talk to Celine and Dimitri
finally looked at me for the first time since we'd
been in the room. "Why
do you want to be a ballet dancer?" he
asked immediately and with a sharpness in his
tone that made me feel guilty.
"My mother thinks I should be," I said defenively.

"That's your reason?" he asked with a smirk.
He wiped his face with his towel and then threw
the soggy towel at me. "You're dripping," he said
gruffly.
I found a dry spot on the towel and wiped my
face and the back of my neck.
"I think I'll like it," I said cautiously. Again, he
smirked.
"Ballet requires complete and utter devotion, a
total commitment of mind, body, and soul. It
becomes your religion. An instructor like Ma- dame Malisorf is your high priestess, your god,
her words gospel. You have to think and walk like
a dancer, eat and breathe it. There is nothing else
that is half as important. Then, and maybethen,
you have a chance to become a real dancer."
V. C. ANDREWS
"I don't expect to become a famous dance]
said and wondered why this boy made me feel
I had to defend myself... especially wh(
wasn't so sure that I even wanted to be a clan
He looked quickly toward Madame Mali
and Celine and then back at me.
"Don't ever let Madame Malisorf hearyou
?such a weak, self-defeating thing. She'll turn
walk out of the room forever," he warned.
My heart, which was pounding madly from
exercises anyway, stopped and then pounded <
harder. Celine would be devastated. She w<
hate me, I thought.
"Madame Malisorfwill tell you what you
and will not be," he continued and then he sh
his head; "Another spoiled rich child whose j
ents think she's someone special," he commiea
disdainfully.
"I am not," I said, nearly in tears.
"No? How many kids your age have a sti
like this in their homes and a teacher who c
thousands of dollars a week?"
"Thousands?" I gulped. ^
"Of course, you little idiot. Don't you ki
who she is?" He groaned. "Thisisn^t going tQ
long. I can just feel it," he said with a kno^
shake of his head. ^,
"Yes, it will. I'll do what I have to do and I'l
it well," I fired back at him.
( didn't want to tell him that I thought my
depended on it; that the woman who wante<
love me as a mother had her heart set on
76
BtTTTEBLPLT
success as a dancer and that I would devote all any
strength and energy toward making her happy.
"My mother was going to be a famous dancer
until she was in a terrible car accident. That's why
we have this studio. It's not here just for me."
He smirked.
"You shouldn't look down on someone who is
just starting out simply because you're a good
ballet student," I added.
He finallysmiled.
"How could I do anything but look down at
you? What are you, four feet eight?"
This time tears escaped the corners of my eyes.
I turned my back on him and wiped them away
quickly.
"Are you really nearly thirteen?" he continued.
His voice had softened and I wondered if he was
sorry he'd hurt my feelings.
I began to answer him when Madame Malisorf
returned and told me to take off the leg warmers.
It was time to move away from the barre to repeat
everything we had done, but this time without the
aid of the barre. I couldn't help being tired and
making mistakes. I knew I was looking very
clumsy and awkward. Every time Madame Mal
isorf corrected me, Dimitri shook his bead and
smirked. Then, as if to drive home his disdain, he
would do what she asked so perfectly, showing off,
his spinning turns so fast he became a blur.
Occasionally he would break out of the spin and
do a leap that seemed to defy gravity and land
without a sound. Whenever he demonstrated
V. C. ANDREWS
something for me» Madame Malisorf would
"That's it! That's what I want. Study him. we
him. Someday you must be as good as he is."
His face filled with arrogant pride as he pu
out his chest toward me.:
I wanted to say I'd rather watch a dead
floating on the top of our lake, but held my btt
and my words and tried again. Finally, mercift
it seemed, the session ended. Celine clapped
wheeled herself to the center of the studio.
"Bravo, bravo. What a beautiful begino
Thank you, Madame Malisorf. Thank you. ^
Dimitri, you make me want to get up out oft
chair, forget my crippled legs, and dance in y,
arms."
He bowed.
"Madame Malisorf has told me how won?
fully you danced and what a tragedy it was
ballet when you were injured^ Mrs. Delorice.'
"Yes," Celine said softly, her eyes taking
that faraway, distant look. Then she smiled'
ward me. "But my daughter will do what I o
do anymore. Don't you agree?"
He looked at me. i
"Perhaps," he said with that crooked smiN
his lips. "If she learns to be dedicated, devoj
and obedient." ;
"She will," Celine promised and I wondere
just her command would turn me into a ballei
as easily as it had turned a cloudy, gloomy ,i
bright and beautiful;
I tried not to look as tired and as sore as Is
78
BCTTERTLY
but Dimitri saw through my mask and smiled
cruelly at me. When I entered my room, I threw
myself on my bed and let my tears burst forth
freely.
I'll never be the dancer Celine dreams 111
become, I thought. I may never be the daughter
she wants, but I'd rather die trying than disappoint
her.

Once again at dinner all our conversation centered
around the dance class and my progress.
Celine talked so much she barely ate or took
breaths between sentences. Sanford tried to talk
about other things, but she refused to change the
subject. He smiled at her and at me, his face filled
with amusement. Afterward, he pulled me aside
to tell me that it had been some time since Celine
was as animated and cheerful,
"Thank you for making Celine so happy, Janet.
You're a wonderful addition to pur family. Thank
you for just being who you are," he said. He
smiled a genuine smile and I couldn't help but
think that this smile looked so much better than
the tight, grim one he usually wore around Celine.
Celine caught up to us in the hallway and
noticed Sanford's beamingsmile. "Why are you
grinning like an idiot, Sanford? What are you two
discussing?" Suddenly her eyes narrowed and
turned dark and cold. "Janet, go to your room.
You need your rest. You're obviously going to
need all the help you can get to keep up with
Dimitri."
V. C. ANDREWS
I couldn't help but feel that Celine had scol
me and I moped up to my room to collapse.

The first two weeks of my new life flew 05
quickly, they felt like hours. I was sure it
because each and every moment of my day
full of things to do. Unlike in the orphanage, tl
weren't long hours of emptiness to fill with
tractions and daydreams. Here I was working
my school assignments, taking dance lessons,
cuperating from them, and starting overagat
went to sleep early and ate from the strict danc
diet Celine had designed. Although I though
was too early to see any real changes, I belie
my legs were stronger, my small muscles tightt
even thought I was doing what Dimitri claim<
would have to do: walk and move like a dam
even when I wasn't in the studio.
Because my after-school time was dedicated
dance lessons, it was hard to make new frie
and Celine wouldn't permit me to join any tea
or clubs.
"All we need is for you to sustain some sor
injury now," she said. She even tried to get me
of gym class, but the school wouldn't permi
and Sanford argued that it wouldn't interfere v
my dancing lessons.
"Of course it will," Celine snapped. "I d(
want her wasting her physical energies on n
sense."
"It isn't nonsense, darling," he tried to expli
but Celine would have none of it. She ha<
gotten her way and she didn't like it one bit.
80
BUTTERFLY
"Don't do any more than you have to," she
advised me, "and do what I used to do whenever
you can: claim you have cramps from your
period."
"But I haven't gotten my period yet," I re
minded her.
"So what? Who's going to know? Lying," she
said when she saw the expression on my face, "is
all right if it's for the right cause. 111 never punish
you for doing something to protect your dancing,
Janet, never, no matter what," she said, her eyes
so bright and big, they scared me. I wondered
where she went when that look came over her.
Like most of the girls and boys my age at the
orphanage, I used to fantasize about the people
who would become my parents. I filled my head
with dreams of fun things like picnics and trips to
the park, and I saw myself holding my father's
hand as we walked through the gates of Disney-
land. I imagined big, beautiful birthday parties,
and I even dreamed of having little brothers and
sisters.
How empty and different the big house I now
lived in seemed when I compared it to the house
in my dreams. Yes, I had expensive things and a
room bigger than I'd ever seen, and there was a
lake and beautiful grounds, but none of the family
closeness or trips or fun and games that I'd
imagined. Sanford wanted to spend time with me,
to show off his factory, but Celinejust seemed to
come up with one reason after another why I
couldn't go. Finally, she realized how suly her
arguments sounded and relented. I went to work
81
V, C. AMW.EWS
with Sanford on a Saturday and saw the mac
and the products, I met some of his worker
his executives. I was amazed at how pleasan
eager he was to show me things and how sad
when our time alone ended. I think Sanfpr
the same way—on the ride home neither
spoke and for the first time that day the i
between us was gloomy.
When we returned home and I started t
CeUne about our day, she grimaced as if in
"We need the factory so that we can affbi
luxuries in life," she said. "What we don't ni
to acknowledge its existence. And we eer)
don't allow it to take up one iota of our til
thought."
"But some of the things that are made i
factory are beautiful, aren't they?" I asked.
"I suppose, in a pedestrian sort of way,
Admitted, although I didn't understand e?
what she meant, and I saw it displeased Sax
She didn't become animated and happy |
until Sanford told her he had gotten us tick
the Metropolitan Ballet's performance of
Fwr Temperaments.
"Now," she cried, "now you will see ypu;
real ballet and understand what it is I want y
dp and become."
Celine had Sanford take us to buy me a ft
dress. I chose a long royal blue taffeta and C
even had Sanford buy me some jewelry—a;
sapphire earrings and a matching tean
shaped necklace.
"Going to the ballet is a, very special thing,
BUTTERFLY
explained. "Everyone wears their very best
clothes. You'll see."
She brought me to a salon where they styled my
hair in a French twist and showed me how to
apply makeup properly. When I gazed at myself in
the mirror, I was amazed' at how grown-up I
looked.
"I want you to make a statement, to be noticed,
to be someone everyone will look at and think,
'there's an up-and-coming star, a little princess.**'
I had to admit I was finally swept away in
Celine's world. I permitted myself to dream the
same dreams, to think of myself as a celebrity, my
name up in lights, and when I saw the theater and
all those rich and elegant-looking people in the
audience, I was filled with excitement, too. By the
time the curtain lifted, my heart was pounding.
The ballet began. -I; gazed at my new mother
beside me in her wheelchair, saw the, happiness
and radiance in her eyes, and felt as if I was
leaping and soaring alongside her. During the first
act, she reached through the darkness until she
found my hand. • ';; ;i
When I turned to her she whispered, "Someday,
Janet, Sanford and I will be coming here to see
you." . ,. , ;
"Someday," she whispered, lost in her dream.
And I dared to believe it could come true.
s
even


Although I didn't hear them referred to we
much, I couldn't help wondering when I wotf
meet my grandparents, Celine's mother and i
then I never heard or saw her talking to them <
the phone and neither she nor Sanford mention*
speaking to them recently or on any regular basi
During the week, Sanford and I usually ate brea
fast without Celine since it took her much long
to rise and dress. I knew Sanford would tell n
about my new grandparents if I asked him, but
was having trouble getting up the nerve. Final!)
decided I would settle into my routine and wa
for Celine to bring up the subject of her paren
again--then I would ask to meet them.
As the days wore on, my dance lessons seem<
to be going better, and although I couldn't ima
ine myself ever liking Dimitri, I couldn't he
being flattered when he complimented me on n
84
BUTTERFLY
technique. Madame Malisorf didn't go so far as to
say I was a special student, but she did oner that I
was better than average, which was enough to
make Celine happy and even more confident.
"I think," Celine said one night at dinner, "that
it's time for my mother to see Janet. Janet's made
significant progress. I'll have mother stop by dur
ing one of her dance lessons."
Sanford nodded without speaking, but I saw
something strange in,his eyes, a look of concern
that I hadn't seen often before. Of course, I
couldn't help wondering why I hadn't met Ce-
line's parents before now. I knew they didn't live
very far away. Why didn't we ever visit? I kicked
myself for not having the courage to ask Sanford
earlier since it was obvious from the look on his
face that he had strong opinions about them.
"Isn't your brother returning from his holiday
tomorrow?" Sanford asked her. His face didn't
relax at all, and I wondered what it was about
Celine's family that upset him.
"I don't recall. And what do you mean, return
from his holiday? When isn't Daniel on holiday?"
she asked and laughed a high, thin laugh.
Nothing else wassaid about Celine's family, but
two days afterward, right in the middle of our
dinner, the doorbell sounded and Mildred hurried
out of the kitchen to see who it was. Minuteslater,
I heard a loud laugh. -
"Mildred, you're still here! Wonderful!" A loud
voice boomed from the entryway.
"Daniel," Celine moaned, shaking her head.
Moments later, Celine's younger brother burst
V. C. ANDREWS
into the dining room. His Unlit brown hair v
long and tossed about his head and face as if
had been running his fingers through it for hoi
Not quite six feet tall with an athletic but
Daniel had hazel eyes set in a face much m<
chiseled than Celine's. I saw resemblances in th
noses and mouths, but there was a sly smile on
lips that I would discover to be a habitual char
teristic. He wore a black leather jacket, faded b
jeans, and black boots, as welt as black leati
gloves.
"Celine, Sanford," he cried. "How are ybi
He started to take off his gloves. "I'm in time
dinner. What luck. I'm starving."
He slid into the chair across from me a
reached for some bread before anyone could
spend.
"Hello, Daniel," Celine said dryty. "Plo
meet Janet."
He winked at me.
"I heard you guys were finally parents. Moti
gave me an earful." He studied me. "How are tt
treating you? Has Sanford negotiated your alk
ance yet? Better let me represent you. Ah, a v
jiaaast," he said, stabbing a piece of meat. "IX
aliped's quite a good cook." He shoved the mi
"*" (his mouth and chewed.
; was as if a strong, wild wind had blown u
" >use. Sanford was so obviously Stunned
Vs appearance that he sat with his ha
finthe air, his fork fall of peas.
W, Daniel," Sanford said, his eyes soft<

^- 86
K^
BUTTERFLY
ing. "I see you finally got that motorcycle you've
been threatening to buy,"
"You bet I did," Daniel said. "I seem to remem
ber you used to throw around the idea of getting
one of your own,"
"I was never really serious," he said, glancing at
Celine.
"How about you?" Daniel asked me. "You want
to go for a ride after dinner?"
"Of course she doesn't," Celine said quickly.
"Do you think I would place her in such danger?"
Daniel laughed and continued to eat. I was still
too surprised and overwhelmed to speak. He
winked at me again.
"I bet you'd like a ride," he said, and he stared
at me so intently it seemed like he could see into
my soul. I wondered if my soul wore biker leather!
"Stop it, Daniel," Celineordered. He laughed
again and shook his head in defeat.
"Where were you this time?" Sanford asked.
Although he meant it to sound critical, I saw a
look of envy in his eyes as he waited for Daniel to
tell about his adventures.
"The Cape. Vouwould have 'loved it, Sanford.
We took the sea route through Connecticut and
rode along the ocean. I swear, with the wind
blowing through our hair and the smell of the
fresh salt air, I felt like we could drive forever.
Never come back."
"And yet here you are. I dare not ask who the
we was," Celine said as she wrinkled up her nose.
"You dare. not? Funny, Mother dared not ei
ther."
V. C. ANDREWS
'Til bet," Sanford said with a small smile.
"Actually, Sanford, she was a very pretty yoi
damsel in distress when I found her, clothed i
fed her, and bought her a motorcycle," Dai
told him between bites.
"You bought a strange woman a motorcyd
Celine asked with a grimace.
"Actually, she wasn't so strange after a 1
days," Daniel said and winked at me again. "
tell me all about yourself, Janet. How old
your
"ni be thirteen in a few weeks," I said hi
tantly. Daniel seemed larger than life and bav
him concentrate his questions on me was mak
me nervous.
"That old? You'll need to negotiate a retirem
package as well then," he joked. "Seriously,
they treating you well here? Because if they're i
I have friends in high places and I can have thi
going your way in no time. They have to obey
rules of the Geneva Convention when it cornel
prisoners."
"But... but I'm not a prisoner," I s
quickly, looking from Sanford to Celine for h<
"Will you stop it You'll frighten her with yi
behavior," Celine said. She paused and fl
asked, "How are Mother and Rather?"
"Proper well," he said. He turned to me. "(
parents are slowly becoming statues. They sit s
as granite and breathe only filtered air."
"Daniel!" Celine chastised.
"They're fine, they're fine. Of course, I s
them only for a few minutes before Mot:
88
BUTTERFLY
started in on you know what,"he said, nodding
toward me.
"That's enough," Sanford said sharply.
"She should know what she's in for, what sort
of family she has contracted to do business with,
don't you think?" Daniel replied.
"Please," Celine pleaded. He shrugged.
"Okay, 111 becivfl. Really. Bow do you like life
here, Janet?" he asked me.
"I like it a tot," 1 said.
"And they put you in that snobby school?"
"Peabody is not a snobby school. If s a special
school with advantages," Celine corrected.
"Did they tell you I went there but I was asked
to please seek another place for my studies7"
I shook my head,
"My brother," :Celine explained, "is what is
generally known as a spoiled brat. No matter how
much money my parents were willing to spend on
him or what they were willing to do, he always
managed to spoil it," she said, glaring at him.
"I always did choke on that silver spoon,*' he
said with another shrug. "Mildred," he called
when she appeared, "you've outdone yourself
with this veal. It's as succulentas a virgin's lips,"
he said, smacking his own lips together. Mildred
turned brightpink.
"Danieir CeUne;cned. t , ;
"Just trying to be complimentary," he said,
"and appreciative." He leaned toward me to
whisper loudly. "My sister always complains that
I'm not appreciative."
S9
V. C. ANDREWS
I looted at Sanford, who put his silvers
down a little harder than usual.
"How are things at the printing company, E
id?" Sanford asked.
Daniel straightened in his chair and wiped
mouth with a napkin.
"Well, when I left for my vacation, we ¥
down five percent from this period last y
which raised father's blood pressure five perci
but when I stopped by late today to pick up
mail, he told me we had been given the Glenn |
clubs account and that spiked us back to where
were, so his blood pressure improved. I swear
heart is connected to the Dow-Jones. If there
crash, it's curtains,'* he said, slicinghis forefic
across his Adam's apple.
"You can ridicule him all you want, Daniel,
he built a successful business for you an<
comfortable life for both of us,** Celine scoldt
"Yes, yes, I suppose so. I'fli just haying fun,*
confessed to me. "Something my brother-in
here doesn't have much of because he works
hard. All work and no play, Sanford," he warn
Then he gazed at me. "So,'* he said, "yd
taking dance lessons, I hear.*'
"Yes," I said softly.
"And she's doing very wen," Celine added.
"That's nice." He sat back. "I must say, sb
dear, you and Mr. Glass chose a little gem hi
I'm impressed, Sanford."
"We're very fond of Janet and we hope sl
growing fond of us," Sanford replied, and I i
glad to see him smile.
90
BUTTERFLY
"Are you?" Daniel asked me with that impish
twinkle in his eyes.
"Yes," I said quickly.
He laughed.
"Are you sure I can't take her for a little ride on
the cycle?"
"Absolutely sure," Celine said. "If you want to
go out and be reckless, I can't stop you, but you
won't be reckless with my daughter," she told
him. "Not now," she added, "now that she's on
the threshold of becoming someone very special."
"Really?" Daniel said, gazing at me across the
table. He smiled. "I would have thought she was
alreadysomeone special. Even before she came
here," he added, dazzling me with his smile.
I couldn't help liking him even though Celine's
expression and harsh words made it dear she
disapproved.
After dinner Daniel and Sanford went offtojthe
den to talk and Celine and I went to the living
room, where she apologized for her brother's
behavior.
"'Your new uncle is really good-hearted, but he's
just a bit lost at the moment. We're doing our best
to help him," she said. "It's difficult His problem
is he hasn't any goals. He has no focus, and that's
the most important thing to have in life, Janet,
focus and determination. He doesn't want any
thing enough to sacrifice and suffer some pain.
He's too selfish and indulgent," she continued.
She gazed up at her own portrait above the
mantel and sighed.
"We came from the same home, had the same
V. G. ANDREWS
parents, but sometimes, sometimes, he seems
a stranger to me."
"Did he ever want to dance, too?" I asked.
"Daniel?" she laughed. "Daniel has two left
and he doesn't have the attention span to leai
single exercise. But," she said sighing again,"
my brother. I have to love him."
Thenshe looked at me.
"And you're my hope," she said. "I will alv
love you."

Knowing that Celine's eyes were always foil
ing me and that I was her hope made me
harder, but it also made me feel worse if I di<
please Madame Malisorf or make progress as
as I was expected to make it The day after
uncle Daniel's explosive introduction, Celine
a doctor's appointment that ran late and kept
from attending my dance lesson after, scb
Without her sitting there in the corner, I fe
little more at ease, and even Dimitri seei
friendlier. Toward the end of the lesson, Madi
Malisorf declared that tomorrow she would s
meonppinte.
"I don't understand why she's doing thDimitri
declared after she had left for her i
lesson. He was old enough to drive and had
own car. "She's the most demanding dance;
struetor in the area and doesn't easilypw
student on pointe. Certainly never this eariy.'*
thought a moment. "She's probably just satisf]
your mother. Your feet aren't even properly d<s
oped." ^
92
"They are too," I said looking down at them to
see if he was right.
He wiped his face with the towel and stared at
me. "I've always liked to watch young giris develop,"
he said suddenly.
The way he was gazing at me made me very self-
conscious. My leotards were as tight as his, and
for the first time I was embarrassed by how much
they revealed.
"Are you developing breasts or is that just some baby fat?" he asked, jabbing his finger toward me.
My breath caught in my throat and I jumped
away from his reach.
"You know, Tve heard there's an avant-garde
group of dancers who dance naked. Wanna try
it?" he asked. After what he'd just done, I had no
idea if he was kidding me or not.
"Naked?" I couldn't imaginesuch a thing.
"It's supposed to give you more freedom of
expression. I really might try it one ofthesodays,"
he said. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"You didn't answer my question, breasts or
baby fat?"
"That's very personal," I mumbled.
"You shouldn't be ashamed of your body," he
continued.
"I'm not ashamed."
"Do I look like I'm ashamed of mine? Am I
hiding anything from you? That's right, look at
ffle," he said, turning so he faced me fuUy. He
| smiled. "I remember how you looked at me that
y first day." ;
V. & ANDREWS

I started to shake my head.
"Don't deny it. Honesty is the most import.
characteristic for a dancer. Your honesty will
evident when you move. Madame Malisorfalw,
says that. Breasts or baby fat?" he pursued.
stepped closer to me.
He smiled, his upper lip curling in to his n
familiar sneer.
"I could make you look very bad here, ^
know. Madame will take you offpointein s
onds. I don't think your mother would apprecii
that, do you?"
Tears clouded my vision.
"What do you want from me?" I cried.
"Let me decide for myself," he said a
reached out to touch my chest. I was too frig
ened to stop him. "I'm still not sure. I'll tell y
when I know," he added. I started to turn sw
from him, but he seized my leotard at the sh<S
der and began peeling it off before I could ;
away.
"Stop," I begged him.
"Ashamed?" He practically growled the woi
"No, but please, don't." I pleaded.
"If you don't let me see, I will ruin your first <
on pointe" he threatened.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat a
froze, my heart pounding as heeontinued to lot
my leotard until he could reveal my chest. ]
stood there staring at me. Then, very slowly, ]
eyes narrow and strangely dark, he touched m<
jumped back as if his fingers were filled w
electricity.

94

BUTTERFLY
"Breasts," he concluded. "There, was that so
difficult?" he asked and did a full pirouette, a
leap, and a soft fall before heading out the studio
door and leaving me behind, tears streaming
down my cheeks, my heart pounding.
I pulled up my leotard and followed him out I
remained in the shadows of the hallway until I
heard him leave the house.
"Is there anything wrong?" Mildred asked, seeing
me cowering in a corner.
"No," I said. "I was just resting."
She tilted her head in confusion.
I hurried down the hall, away from her questioning
eyes, up the stairs, and to my room,
shutting the door behind me quickly. I was still
embarrassed and frightened by the experience in
the studio. My legs were actually trembling. What
frightened me the most was the feeling of being
trapped and helpless. He could have stripped me
naked and I would have been afraid to stop him.
Why did he do it? Why did he take such advantage
of me? Why didn't I cry for help? At least
Mildred could have come to help me.
I wiped away my tears and looked at myself in
the mirror. No one had ever treated me as anything
more than a little girl. No boy had ever
thought of me sexually before as far as I knew. But
now my breasts were budding. My time was
coming. When Dimitri had touched me, I was
terrified, but there was a strange new sensation as
well. I wasn't sure if I was more afraid of him or
what had happened inside me.
How lucky other giris were, girls who had
95
V. C. ANDREWS
He put his hand on my forehead and looke<
even more worried.
"You feel like you have fever. I'll get a ther
mometer," he said and hurried out of the room
He was back in less than a minute and put th
thermometer under my tongue.
"I was afraid of this," he muttered. He paced a
he waited. "You've been working too hard 01
your schoolwork and your dancing. You nee(
more time to rest. You're growing, too, and all thi
is so new and frightening for you, I'm sure. N<
one listens to me, but I know I'm right abou
this."
He looked at the thermometer and nodded.
"A hundred and one. That's a fever. You sta
right there, young lady. I'm sending Mildred u]
with some aspirin for you. Does your throa
hurt?"
I shook my head.
"No, just my neck and shoulders ache. And thi
backs of my legs," I added, but they were alway
aching so I didn't think anything special about i1
He stared at me a moment.
"I've changed my mind. I won't give you aspi
rins yet, Tin taking you to the doctor," he de
dded. "Just throw something on, anything, 1*1
meet you downstairs." he added and left thi
room.
I got up Slowly, washed my face, and dressed h
an old flannel shirt and a pair of loose-fittinj
jeans. As I passed Sanford and Celine's room,
could hear their muffled voices. Celine sounde<
very upset.

98

BUTTERFLY
"What are you talking about?" I heard her say.
"That's nonsense. People don't get sick from
dancing too much."
"I didn't say that was the only cause. The
child's exhausted."
"Nonsense. She's young. She has an unlimited
wellof energy," Celine insisted. I didn't have the
strength to listen to more so I slowly made my way
downstairs.
When Sanford joined me in the entryway, he
offered to carry me to the car, but I wasntin that
much pain and I felt silly with him just holding
my arm as if I were some old lady.
"I've already called Dr. Franklin. He's a good
friend and he's coming into his office a little early
just to see you first," Sanford explained. '
"Is Celine angry at me?" I asked. She hadn't
even come' to see how I was;
"No, of course not. She's concerned, that's all,**
he said but quickly looked away;
The doctor examined me andconcluded that I
had the flu. He didn't prescribe anything more
than aspirin and rest. Less than an hour later, I
was back in my bed, taking aspirin and sipping
sometea;. ; -ii'- ;1;'" 1 -""^ " ''
'Til call from the factory," Sanford told 'Mildred.
"lake her temperature in about two hours,
okay?"'- ': '- ; '" ' -; .. '-- , "Yes
sir," she said With a smile.
I fell back to sleep and did have a better rest. I
could havesfept longer, but I Sensed someone was
in my room arid operied my eyes (osee Celine in
her wheelchair at my bedside, staring at me.
V.C. ANDREWS
"Yw don't feel very warm to me," she s
taking her hand from my forehead.
"I do feel a little better," I agreed, thorn
really still felt sore and tired.
"Good. Don't worry about the schoolwork.
already called and your work will be delivere
the house later this afternoon. Rest for the
mainder of the day until your dance lesson,"
added.
"My dance lesson? But maybe I should '
until tomorrow. Mother," I said weakly.
"No, no, you never cancel a lesson with,
dame Malisorf. She cancels you. Do you have
idea how many other people are after her to v
with their sons and daughters? This is a coy
major accomplishment getting her to concent
on you like this, and you're doing well,; She
me she had decided to put you on pointe. i'd
proud oft you, dear. It took me years to go
pointe. Do you know that?" ,
: I shwA my head. . ^
"Well^ft did, so you see how talented you a
"But Fm afraid I won't do well if I don't
well," I moaned. . ; ; ^
"We must never let our bodies disappoint
Janet^' she insisted; "A dancer must be dedica
No matter what, when it comes time to perfa
you perform. I even danced on the day my go
mother died. I was very dose to her- She faw
me and had a; lot to do with my parents' supp
ing my efforts to become a ballerina, I was sad
I had to dance and that was thaA. If I could df
on my grandmother's day of death, you can dfi
100
BUTTERPi.r
with a little ache and a little fever, Janet. Right?
Right?" she pursued when I didn't reply quickly
enough.
"Yes," I said softly. I couldn't help but wish
that Sanford was home to save me.
"Good. Then it's settled. Rest until I call for
you," she said and started to wheel herself out.
"Actually, this is lucky. You were able to rest all
day before starting your first lesson on pointe.
See? Everything works out for the dedicated," she
declared and left.
She danced on the day her grandmother died, I
thought. I never had a grandmother, not even a
mother, but if I had them, I woultf love-them too
much not to be too sad to do anything if they died.
I could never be that dedicated. Was there some
thing wrong with met ; • ^
Mildred came to take'my temperature and told
me it was under a hundred. Istill had a dull ache
at the back of my neck and I hadrft eaten much aH
day. I nibbled on some toast and jelly and a few
spoonfuls of hot oatmeal. My stomach churned
angrily with every morsel I swallowed and I knew
if I tried to-eat any more it would make me sick.
Sanford sent a message that he hoped I felt
better and apologized for having to remain at the
factory; Mildred told me he said Tie had Some
major problems or he would have been home
earlier.
I fell asleep again and then I woke to the sound
of Celine's stairway elevator chair. I waited, star
ing at my door. Moments later she came rolling
into my room. ' ^ ' i • . . ,
V. C. ANDREWS
"Time to get up, dear," she sang as if it was j
thing in the morning. "Take a hot shower to w
up your muscles and put on your leotards
your pointe shoes."
I groaned as I sat up, and when I stood, I fc
bit woozy, but I tried to hide it from her. I ki
that I had no choice but to dance for her.
"Just take your shower quickly," Celine;
dered.
My legs: felt so tight. How could I ever danc
had trouble walking. Nevertheless, I forced ay
into the shower and stood under the water, let<
it stream down my neck and back. It did make
feel a little better.
"Hurry downstairs," Celine said as she left
room. "I want yon to do some warm-up exerc
before Madame Malisorf arrives. Dimitri is
ready here. He'll coach you," she added and
heart started to pound as I thought about him;
his creepy eyes inspecting my body,
It nearly exhausted me to put on my leots
and shoes, but I did it When I descended
stairs, Mildred came out of the living room wl
she had been dusting and polishing furniture.
looked very surprised.
"You shouldn't be out of bed, Janet." She
her arm around me and began to turn me b
toward the stairs. "Mr. Detorice left me ok
and—"
"My mother wants me at my dance lesson
said. ,. \par "She does? Qh." Her tone of voice made it d
which Delorice she was more afraid of crossu
102
BUTTERFLY
"Janet," Celine called sharply from upstairs.
"I'm coming," I said and hurried up to the
studio. .
Dimitri was at the barre stretching. As usual he
was totally oblivious to everyone and everything
around him. I approached, took my position, and
began. Finally, he looked at me.
"Today is your big day," be said. "If you're nice
to me, 111 make you look good."
He laughed and broke away to do what I had
already learned were frappes on three-quarter
pointe. He made it look as easy as walking and
from the smug look on his face, I knew he was
showing offi His arrogant smile was beginning to
make me feel sicker than the flu.
Madame Malisorf arrived within minutes and
looked pleased that I had already warmed up.
"Let me see your feet," she ordered and in
spected my pointe shoes. "Excellent. Well done,
Celine," she told my mother, who nodded and
smiled. "Pull up," she ordered.
A ballet posture that aligns the body so you
stand up straight with hips level and even, shoul
ders open but relaxed and centered over the hips,
your pelvis straight, back straight, head up, weight
centered evenly between your feet, was known as
pulled up. Madame Malisorf told me to imagine
myself suspended by a thread attached to the top
of my head. She said I did it well and that I had
excellent posture.
"The most important thing to remember for
pointe work is proper coordination of your whole
body, each part ^adapting correctly and without
103
V. C. ANDREWS
strain to any new position without losing y
placement, Janet," Madame Malisorf began,
nasal voice sounding haughtier than usual
Dimitri, at her side, demonstrated. He loo
like a giant puppet to me.
"We have; worked hard at developing y
strength. I want your knees absolutely straight
Dimitri's. I am satisfied that your ankle join
sufficiently flexible to form with the forefoot i
right-angle when on the demi-pointe. Do not <
or clutch your toes. Dimitri," she said and a%
he demonstrated.
As I began the exercises and moves she ordei
she continually yelled, "Line, posture, line. 3
no, no, you're sagging. Why are you acting
weak? Again, again. Dimitri," she said with fi
(ration. "Another demonstration. Look at h
watch him, study him," she commanded. Fin,
she lost her patience and seized me at the sh<
ders and turned me toward Dimitri. "Wa
him!"
He stepped right in front of me, maybe ha
foot away and began.
"See how important posture is?"
"Yes, Madame," I said.
"So? Why today are you forgetting it?"
I looked at Celine. She shook her bead genfl
would be permitted no excuses. I couldn't er
mention my being sick. I began again, try
harder. My body shook so much inside, it felt a
my bones were rattling, but again, I kept it
hidden. -••-,.
Dimitri demonstrated the ronds de jambe
104
BUTTERFLY
Fair/the petite andgrande battements, everything
with an air of superiority. The music pounded in
my ears. I felt more awkward than ever, and every
time I gazed at Madame Malisorf, I saw her
disapproval and disappointment.
"Stop, stop, stop," she cried. "Maybe it's too
soon," she muttered, shaking her head.
"No," I moaned. My ankles felt like they would
snap and my toes would probably be permanently
cramped, but I could not stop. My new life
depended on ft.
Dimitri looked at me and then stepped up
beside me.
"Let's try again, Madame," he said, putting his
hands on my hips. "I'll help guide her through it."
Reluctantly, she clapped her hands and we
began. Dimitri whispered in my ear, explaining
how I should move and which way to lean and
turn. I felt different, better and Safer in his strong
hands. He had great strength and was practically
holding me up at times.
"Better," Madame Malisorf muttered. "Yes,
that's it. Good. Keep the line. Good."
I felt like a limp dishrag when the lesson finally
ended. My leotards were soaked through.
"An adequate first attempt," Madame Malisorf
declared, stressing the word adequate.
"She'll be much better tomorrow," Celine said,
wheeling up to us.
"Perhaps not tomorrow but soon after," Ma
dame Malisorf allowed.
Dimitri was sweating almost as much as me.
"Thank you foryour extra effort, Dimitri," she
10S
V. C. ANDREWS
told him. "You should take a warm shower imi
diately,"she added. "I don't want my prize pn
going out in the chilly air and getting sick. <
line?" ,
"Of course. Go up and use my shower, Dimi
Janet, show him my room» please." ;
Madame Malisorf turned to Celine. "In t
weeks I'm presenting a recital with my new
students and Janet will be included." j
"Oh, Janet, that's wonderful. Did you hi
what she said? Thank you, Madame. Thank yoi
Celine said. "Your first recital. How wondeN
Janet."
"Recital?" I squeaked. "You meanwithj
audience and everything?"
"You will be ready," Madame Malisorf )
clared with a small smile, "for what you will;:
asked to do,"
"Oh yes, she'll be ready. Whatever it is, she'U
ready," Celine assured her.
Dimitri took his bag and followed me out of 1
studio.
"You were awful in the beginning," he said
we reached the stairway.
"I was sick. I'm still sick. I had a fever f
morning," I complained.
He laughed.
"Fin glad you didn't tell Madame that. S
hates excuses," he explained. "Lead the way,"
added, nodding at the steps. I started up. "^
know your rear end has become quite tight a
round just in the short time I've been world
with you."
106
BUTTERFLY
I was too embarrassed to say anything and
continued upstairs where I showed him Celine
and Sanford's bathroom. After I'd given him a
clean towel I hurried away to my own room to
shower and crawl back into bed. My ankles ached
worse than any other part of my body and when I
took off my pointe shoes, my feet were covered
with red blotches.
I turned on my shower and took off my leotards,
but just before I stepped into the stall, I heard
Dimitri say, "Pull up."
I spun around, shocked. There he was with a
towel around his waist, gazing at me.
"Pull up," he said again. "Posture, posture."
"Go away!" I cried, covering myself as best I
could. He laughed.
"Come On. Pull up. Remember what I told you
about that group hat dances naked?" He reached
for my hand. I wrapped my hands around myself
tightly, but he was too strong and pulled my arm
away from my chest. Then, in another motion, he
undid his towel and stood naked before me. I
couldn't take my eyes off him, despite my shock
and terror.
He went on his toes, pulled me closer, turned
me around, and lifted me in the air. Then he set
me down and pressed his body against me.
"There»" he said. "Didn't that feel goodr
He laughed andscooped up his towel, wrapping
it around his waist as he walked out of my room.
I could barely breathe.
My head was spinning. Slowly, I sank to the
floor ami sat there, stunned. A moment later, I
V. C.AffDKEWS
thought I was going to retch. I literally crawlie
over to the shower and stepped into the steam
stall.
Within minutes I got out, dried myself quick!;
and crawled into bed as I had planned. Just as
closed my eyes, I heard my door open and Dimit
looked in.
"Until tomorrow. Oh. And as I said, very nk
and tight little rear end. You're going to be
dancer after all," he added with a laugh arid v/i
gone.
Not only couldn't I talk, I couldn't even think.
pressed my hands to my stomach and turned 6
my side. In moments I was asleep.
I'd only been asleep a few hours when I wokp t
the sound of bickering. I knew I had slept awiul
because it was already dark outside. Sanford's ag
Celine's voices carried down the hallway, ft
couldn't believe she had forced me to take,
lesson. • .... . . . ..-, , . . .,. .^
"She had a fever. Dr. Franklin said she has tjb
flu, Celine. How could you put her through a
that physical exertion?"
"You don't understand," she told him. "She ha
to understand obstacles, overcome them, build a
inner strength. That's what makes the difierenc
between a real dancer and an amateur, a child an
a woman. She did well enough today to be invite
to a recital. Didn't you hear what I said? • i
recital!"
"She's too young, eeline," Sanford insisted.
"No, you fool. She's almost too old. Ina matte
108
BUTTERFLY
of weeks, she's grown years. You don't know
about anything but glass and that stupid factory of
yours. Stick with that and leave our daughter to
me. You took away my chance, but you won't take
away hers," she cried.
And then there was silence.
^
Nine


Despite what Celine had said at dinner, I didn*it;
get to meet my new grandparents until the day of
Madame Malisorfs recital. Twice a year she heldj
a recital to debut her new students and showcase;
her older ones. The new dancers like myself were;
given a variety of exercises and moves to demons
strate. The older ones each performed a scene
from a famous ballet. Dimitri was dancing the
lead in Romeo and Juliet.
Because I learned and practiced in my own
studio, I had never met the half dozen other
beginning students. Consequently they didn't
know how far I had progressed and I had no idea
what they could do either. When Sanford, Celine,
and I arrived at Madame Malisorfs studio, the
other students and I studied each other during
warm-ups as if we were gunfighters soon to be in a
shoot-out. From the intense expressions on the
110
BUTTERFLY
faces of the parents, grandparents, sisters and
brothers, I sensed that everyone was hoping their
son or daughter or sibling would look the most
impressive. I knew Celine was hoping that. All the
way to the studio, she bragged about me.
"When they all find out that you not only didn't
have any training before you came to live with us,
but you hadn't even seen a ballet, they will be
amazed. And wait until they discover how quickly
Madame Malisorfput you on pointe," she added
with a little laugh. "I can just imagine their faces,
can't you, Sanford?"
"I still think she was rushed along a bit when it
came to that, Celine," hesaid softly. He was the
only one to notice my horrible aches and pains
and asked me each night if I wanted a hot pack or
a massage. Sometimes it was so bad I could barely
walk the next day.
"I think Madame Malisorf is the best judge of
that, Sanford. If she didn't think Janet was doing
well, she wouldn't want her in the recital," she
insisted.
As if I wasn't nervous enough already, Celine's
words and ultra-high expectations were making
me tremble. Maybe because I was so nervous, my
feet ached even more. They were so swollen, I
could barely lace my shoes this morning.
When we got to Madame Malisorfs studio we
saw that a small crowd of spectators had already
arrived, made up mostly of families of the danc
ers, but also, according to Celine, consisting of
some ballet lovers and other teachers, even ballet
producers on the lookout for potential new stars.
1H
V. C. ANDREWS
The studio had a small stage and a dressing are;
behind it. I was already wearing my tutu ari<
pointe shoes, so I was ready for warm-ups. I ha<
just begun when I saw Sanford wheeling Celim
toward me, and an older man with a charcoal gra;
mustache and an older lady, tall, with her hair i
tinted bluish gray and teased, walked beside them
The woman wore far too much makeup,
thought, the rouge so dark on her cheeks and th<
lipstick so thick on her lips it made her look like i
clown.
The gentleman was in a dark blue suit and tie
He had a spry walk and a friendly smile lit by blu<
eyes that made him look almost as young a
Sanford. The elderly lady's face was taut, her gras
eyes flint cold. Even when she drew closer, sh<
looked like someone wearing a mask.
"Janet, I want you to meet my parents, Mr. an«
Mrs. Westfall," Celine said.
These were the two people who would be w
grandparents, I quickly thought. Before I coul<
speak, the gentleman said, "Hello, dear."
"Hello." My voice was barely louder than s
whisper.
My new grandmother gazed down at me ant
from head to toe I was assessed, weighed, mea
sured. ', i:" ' " ' -' ' '
"She is petite. Nearly thirteen, you say?" sh<
asked Celine.
"Yes, Mother, but she moves as gracefully as
butterfly. I wouldn't want her to be any different,'
Celine said proudly.
"What if she doesn't grow much more?" Mrs
112
BUTTERFLY
Westfall asked, and as she stared down at me I
noticed she was sparkling with jewelry. Around
her neck she wore a dazzling diamond necklace
and her fingers were covered with rings, rubies,
diamonds, all in gold and platinum settings.
"Of course she'll grow," Sanford said and his
indignant voice surprised me.
"I doubt it," my new grandmother muttered.
"Well, where are we supposed to sit?" she said,
turning and looking at the already well-filled
auditorium.
"Those are our seats to the right there." San-
ford nodded at some empty chairs in the first row.
That appeared to please my new grandmother.
"Well, let's sit down." She headed toward the
seats witha. graceful gait, her head held high.
"Good luck, young lady," my new grandfather
said.
"Afterward," Celine said, taking my hand,
"well all go but for dinner and celebrate."
"Just relax and do your best," Sanford told me
and gave me his special smile.
"Oh no," Celine cried when she turned in her
chair. "It's my brother. Who expected he would
come?"; ."..'',,', - ., , ..,;, ^.',/ , '' ' ^ '
Daniel came strutting down the aisle, a big wide
grin on his face. He wore a cowboy hat, a pale
yellow western shirt, jeans, and boots. Everything
looked new, but because the rest of the audience
was dressed as if it were really a city ballet theater,
he stood out and caused an immediate wave of
chatter.
V. C. ANDREWS
"That's how you come dressed to this?" Celine
said as he approached us.
"What's wrong with what I'm wearing? It cost
enough," he added. "Hey, break a leg," he said tofc
me. There wasn't a seat for him so he took a place
against the wall, folded his arms, and leaned back.
Soon after Daniel arrived I left my family and;
joined the other performers who were at the
barres exercising. Dimitri stopped and came ovei-i
tome.'. ., - :. . :: , ;- - .;|
"Relax," he said. "'You're too tight. This isntg
exactly the Metropolitan Bailee you know. It's|
just a bunch of proud parents mooing and|
gooing.". ,-.. .. ,, ... .^-,^ , , , __;|
"Are your parents here?" I asked. J
"Of course not," he said. "This isn't anything^
. "It is to me," I admitted. He smirked. Then he|
smiled that arrogant smile and I was sorry that I'<|
let him know how important tonight was to me. |
<< Just pretend I'm out there with you and youlHi
be fine. In fact," ,he said leaning toward nie,j
"imagine I'm naked." J
My face instantly grew hot. He laughed ano^
moved off to join the older students. I saw them
all looking my way. He was whispering to them*
and they were smiling and laughing. I tried "tV
ignore them, to concentrate on what I was doing,
but my heart wouldn't stop thumping and I was
having (rouble catching my breath.
Finally, Madame Malisorf took the floor and
the room grew so still you could hear someone
clear his throat way in the back of the audience.
"Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you for
114
BUTTERFLY
coming to our semiannual recital. We will begin
today with a demonstration of some of the basic,
yet difficult ballet exercises, what we call the adage
portion of our class, to be performed by my
primary class students. You will note how well the
students maintain position and balance.
"All of them, I am happy to say, are now
dancing sur lespointes or onpointe, as we say. As
some of you who have been here before know, toe
dancing was developed early m the nineteenth
century but did sot become widely used by baHet
dancers, untilthe eighteen thtrties, when the
Swedish-Italian ballerina Marie Taghoni demonstrated
its potential for poetift, effect. Heritage,
style, technique, grace, and form are what we
emphasize at the Malisorf School of Ballet.
"Without i further comment, then, my primary
students^ she announced, did a Small bow, and
backed away, nodding a( the piano player as she
did.so.,'1,.;1.'" '^.".'' ' '^,_ ,. ',. '. -.. ',,",,.'.'','/ '
We Icriey what we had 'to do as soon as the
musi|c started and all of us look positibri. The
most difficult pMrt of the routine as far as I was
concerned,wasthe entrechat, somethin^I hadjust
been taught. Ther enfrechat is one of the steps of
elevation. The dancer jumps straight up, beats the
cafves of the legs together in midair, and lands
softly. Madame Malisorf wanted us to connect
that with a pirotitette be?6re coming to a graceful
stop, and then a bow, hopefully to applause. '
I looked at my flew grandparents and then at
Celine, who wore a smaB smite on her lips;
Sanford nodded at me and gave me a wider smile.

115

V. C.ANDREWS
Daniel looked like he was laughing at every<
He stepped away from the wall and pretend&
go on pointe and then fell back: against the w
Hie music began. As I danced, I noticed ei
one of the primary students glancing at every
else. I remembered how important it was
concentrate, to feel the music, to be in your <
little worid, and I tried to ignore them- The <
face I caught a glimpse of was Dimitri's.
looked as sternly critical as Madame Malisor
The pain in my feet was excruciating. I migli
well be in some sort of torture chamber, I thou
Why had Madame MaHsorf been ignoring
agony? Was this really the way a dancer devdo
or was Dimitri right she was pushing mebeca
Celine wanted it that way?
Soon after we had begun, the girl beside
began to dose the gap 1>etween us. Mads
Malisdrf never had us rehearse together. It
just assumed we would all remain in our <
space and dp what we were taught tp dp. I she
have paid mpreattention to those around
because the gui came down after ^ turn
actualiygrazed the skirt of my tutu with her r
bsad- - ,,.. - ..,,..' .".'"Y ../; /,''..
It put me off balance, butI didn't realize it u
I finished the entrechat and began to pirouetl
learned too far in her direction so that when
turned and I spun, we collided and both lost
balance. I fell to the polished floor in an awk^i
flop that resulted in my sitting down hard pa
hands. She continued to lose her balance I
116
BUTTERFLY
nearly collided with another dancer before falling
on her side.
The audience roared with laughter, Daniel's
laugh one of the loudest. Dimitri looked sick.
Celine's mouth opened and closed and then her
face filled with disbelief. Sanford looked sad, but
my new grandmother kept shaking her head arid
smirking. My new grandfather just looked surprised;
':;! ;"'-' ' '1 ' '' I ' " '^:
MadameMalisorf, off to the right, gestured for
us to rise quickly, and I did so. I started to
perform the last steps again, but she shook her
head and indicated Tshbuld simply stop and join
the othets in (heir bows.
There was loud applause. The guests appeared
to have enjoyed our imperfections. Madame Mal-
isorf took the center stage again and waited for
silence. . -' 1 1 ''-'^ ' ^ I '', ' :; :
"Wellf she said, "that's why w& spend most of
our youth trying to'db the simplest exercises and
steps. Ballet is truly the dance of the gods, "she
added. "My primary students," she said gesturing
at us and stressing the word primary. There was
loud applause again and we all hurried off the
stage. The older students approached to take our
places. Dinritri glared at me.
My stomach felt as if it had filled with gravel.
The girl who had collided with me came over to
me immediately.
"You little idiot," she said. The others stopped
to listen. "How could you be ^o clumsy? Why
didn't you watch where you were goingt"
227
V. C. ANDREWS
"I did. You came too dose to me," I cried.
"Everyone saw it. Whose fault was it?" s!
asked her friends.
'The Dwarfs," one of the boys quipped ai
they all laughed. The girl fired another look
hate at me and they walked away. I sat on a cha
my tears zigzagging down my cheeks and dro
ping off mychin.
"Hey, hey," I heard someone say and glano
up to see Sanford walking through the baeksta
area. "There's no reason for that You did fine.
"I did horribly," I moaned.
"No, no. It wasn't your fault."
"Everyone thinks it was," I said, wiping a
tears away with the back of my hands.
"Come on," he said. "We'll watch the rest of tl
recital."
I took his hand and went out to the audience.
seemed like everyone was looking at ine ai
laughing. I kept my head down, my eyes fixed <
my feet as we went around and down the side
reach the chairs. There were two empty ones. N
new grandparents had left.
Celine said nothing. She sucked in her brea
and stared at the stage as the scene from From
and Juliet began. Dimitri was as wonderful as ]
was in our studio. He danced as if he owned ti
stage and it was apparent^even to me, really jus<
beginner, that he made the others look better thi
they were. When their scene ended, the applau
was louder, the faces of the guests full ofappreci
tion. MadameMalisorf announced a reception
118
BUTTERFLY
the next room Where she would be serving hors
d'oeuvres and wine forthe adults.
"Let's just go home," Celine grumbled.
"Celine..." Sanford began and I knew he
didn't want to make me feel any more awkward
than I already did.
"Please," she said. "Let's just go home.'*
He got behind her chair and started to wheel
her out. Some of the people stopped to say they
enjoyed my dancing.
"Don't be discouraged, little one," a red-faced
man said. "It's like riding a horse. Just get up and
do it again," he advised. His wife pulled him
away. Celine shot him a nasty, hateful look and
then turned toward the doorway. We couldn't get
out of there fast enough for her.
I wondered where Daniel was and spotted him
talking to one of the older ballerinas. He waved at
me as we left, but I was too embarrassed to wave back. It wasn't until we were all in the car that I
spoke.
"I'm sorry. Mother," I said. "I didn't know that
girl was so close to me and she didn't notice me
either.". _ ',.' . ' ,.'...
"It was the other girl's fault," Sanford comforted.

Celine was so quiet, I didn't think she would
speak to me again, but after a few minutes she
began.
"Youcan't blame anything on the other dancer.
You have to be aware of the other dancer. If she or
he is off, you have to compensate. That's what
119
V.C.ASDSEWS
makes you the best" Her tone left no room for?
argument, but still Sanford tried to defend me.
"She's just starting, Celine," Sanfofd reminded i
her. "Mistakes are something you learn from."
"Mistakes should be made in practice, not in
recital," she spat "You'll have to work harder.*^
She was ashamed of me and didn't pretend to|
hide it ^
"Harder? How can she work any harder than|
she's working, Celine? She doesn't do anything,
else. She hasn't had a chance to make new friends.
She needs a life, too." Sanford wouldn't give up.
shocked me since he always gave in to her s
easily.
"This is her life. She wants it just as much as ]|
want it for her. Don't you, Janet? Well?"
"Yes, Mother," I said quickly.
"See? I'll speak to Madame Malisorf. Maybe
can get her to give her one more lesson a week.*
"When? On the weekend? Celine, you're bei
unreasonable." Sanford said.
"Sanford, I'm tired of you arguing with a
And I will not have you always takingher sk
You are my husband, Sanford; your allegian
belongs with me. Janet will have an extra lesson.4
Sanford shook his head.
"I still think that might be too much, Celine,*
Sanford said, gently this time.
"Let Madame Malisorf and I decide what's U
much, Sanford."
He didn't argue anymore. As we headed f
home I wondered what happened to the idea
going out to dinner? What happened to my ne
120
BTTTTEKFLY
grandparents? I was afraid to ask, and I didn't
need to since Celine told me anyway.
"My mother and father were embarrassed and
went straight home," she said, her voice steely.
I didn't think it was possible to feel any smaller
than I was, but I wished I could just sink into the
crevices between the seats and disappear. As soon
as we arrived home, I ran upstairs to my room and
shut the door. A short while later, I heard a soft
knock. "Come in," I called out.
Sanford entered and smiled at me. I was sitting
on the bed. I had cried all the tears I had stored
for sad occasions. My eyes ached.
"Now I don't want you feeling so terrible," he
said kindly. "You'll have many more chances to
do better."
"I'll make another mistake for sure," I said.
"I'm not as good as Oeline thinks I am." "•'"
"Don't underestimate yourself after just one
recital, Janet. Everyone, even the greatest dancers,
makes mistakes." He put his hand on my shoul
der, then rubbed it along my tight, aching neck.
"She hates me now," I mumbled.
"Oh no," he said. "She's just very determined.
She'll relax and realize it's not the end of the
world, too. You'll see," he promised. He brushed
back my hair. "You were definitely the cutest
dancer out there. I'm sure most people thought
you were the best one on stage," he encouraged.
"They did?"
"Sure. All eyes were on you."
"Which made it worse for me," I pointed out.
He laughed.
V. C. ANDREWS
"Now, don't you think about it anymore. Think:,
about happy things. Isn't your real birthday nextj
Saturday?"
"Yes, but Celine wanted to change it to the da]
you adopted me," I reminded him.
"That was just Celine's silly wish. Why dovfl
you and I plan your birthday party," he said. **^
know you haven't had a chance to make
friends, but maybe you'll be able to at your p
Think of some children you'd-like to invite.
have a good time," he promised.
"Will my grandparents come?" I asked.
His smile stiffened.
"I imagine so," he said. "Now, go on. Ct
and we'll all have dinner." .1
"Celine's really not mad at me?" I asked.
fully.
"No. Celine's had a very big disappointme
her life. It's hard for her to have any more. T
all. She'll he fine. We'll all be fine," he said.
It was meant to be a promise, but it came <
more like a prayer, and most of my life,
prayers had never been answered.
Madame MaUsorf refused to add another day to
my weekly ballet lessons, Celine and she had the
conversation three days later—the very first fes-
son after the recital.
"No," Madame Malisorf said. "It was partly
my mistake to have rushed her along. I should
never have agreed to put her on pointe. I should
have listened to my own instincts. Janet has to
find her own level of competence, her own capa
bilities. Talent is like water. If you remove the
obstructions, it will rise to its highest possible
level by itself."
"That's not true, Madame Malisorf," Celine
declared. "We must set her limits. We must deter
mine her capabilities. She won'tstrive if we don't
push her. She doesn't have the inner discipline."
Madame Malisorf gazed at me warming up
123
V. C. ANDREWS
alongside Dimitri, who had said nothing yet
about my performance at the recital
"You must be careful. You could make her lose
interest and affection for the beauty and the skills,
Celine. If you overtrain an athlete, he or she starts
to regress, lose muscle, skill,"
"We'll take that chance. Double her training
time. Money is no object," Celine insisted.
"Money has never been nor will it ever be a
consideration for me," Madame Malisorf snapped
back at her, holding her shoulders and head
proudly. |
Celine seemed to wilt in the chair. |
"I know that Madame, I just meant—" |j
"If I am to be the girl's teacher, Celine, I am t|
be in control. I will determine the schedule |J
lessons. More is not always better. What's bettei||
to get more quality out of what you already ha|B
If you think otherwise—" 3a
"Yes, yes, you're right," Celine said Quid^l
"Of course, you're right, Madame Malisorf. 1 «m
just so disappointed the other day and I know r
were,'too.*'' ' ... , - ,. "H
"On the contrary, I was not," she said. Ce^J
head lifted. Even I had to pause in my exerc^l
and look her way. -'."hh
"You weren't?" Celine sounded skeptical. |r
"No. I was happy to see the child get riglh^H
and attempt to continue. That is stamina, d^J
mination. That comes from here," she saidil^H
ing her palm against her heart. ^^H
"Yes," Celine said, looking at me. "OfcoaU
124
BUTTERFLY
you're right again, Madame. I'm grateful that we
have you."
"Then let's not waste the time we do have,
Celine." Dismissing Celine with a flick of her
wrist, Madame Malisorf approached Dimitri and
me and our lesson began.
It was a good lesson. Even I felt that I had
accomplished more than usual. The only mention
Madame Malisorf made of the recital was when
she made reference to my work on pointe. For the
rest of the lesson she had Dimitri take me through
a series ofexerciseyand complimented me on my
work.
Yet none of this seemed to ease Celine's concerns.
She sat glumly in her chair and when the
lesson ended and Dimitri and Madame Malisorf
were gone, Celine wheeled up to me to say she
thought Madame Malisorf was wrong,
"She just doesn't want to give up her own free
time," CeUne said peevishly. "In ballet more is
better. If you're not obsessed with it, you won't be
successful. It has to be demanding on your body
and your soul. I'll practice with you on the weekend,"
she added. "We'll begin this Saturday."
"But this Saturday is my birthday and Sanford
said we're having a party. I've invited some of my
} classmates," I moaned.
[ "Oh, Sanford is planning your party, is he?"
I The look in her eyes chilled me. "Well, the party
;* isn't an all-day affair, is it? We'll practice in the
tooming and you can have your party in the
afternoon, if you must have it at all," she de125
V. C. ANDREWS
dared, then turned her chair and wheeled hers
away.
Ever since the recital, Celine had been behavi
differently toward me. She was more impatie
her words harsher, her eyes more critical. S
spent more time alone, sometimes just sitting a
staring out the window. And anytime I mention
Sanfbrd she narrowed her eyes and looked at i
like she was trying to see inside me, see what I n
thinking and feeling. Once I even found 1
backed into a corner, the shadows draped over 1
like a blanket. She was staring at the painting
herself in her dance costume.
When I mentioned my concern to Sanford,
said I should just give her time. I didn't menti
that I thought Celine was upset at the time he a
I spent together, though, since I was afraid
would avoid me in order to keep in Celine's go
graces.
"She has her ups and downs," he explain<
"Everything has been happening so fast, she Ji
needs time toadjust."
He and I went for one of our walks on i
grounds, down to the lake. It was special tin
like these, spending time with a daddy who low
and cared for me, that made all the hours
torture in the studio worthwhile.
"I've made all the plans for your birthd
party," Sanford said when we reached the edge
the water. "We're going to have a barbecue, I
dogs and hamburgers and steaks for the adults
"Who's coming?" I asked, hoping he woi
mention my new grandparents.
126
BUTTERFLY
"Some of the people at my plant whom you've
met, Mrs. Williams from Peabody, Madame Mal-
isorf, of course, and yes," he added quickly,
reading my mind, "Celine's parents and Daniel
will stop by. How many people have you invited?"
,
"Ten," I said.
"Good, We have a nice party planned. Remember,
I don't want anyone using the rowboat without
an adult present, okay?"
I nodded. This was the most exciting thing in
my life, even more exciting than the recital. I had
never had a real birthday party. The only time I'd
had a birthday cake, it was for .me and two other
children at the orphanage at the same time. Sharing
it took away from its specialness. Birthdays
aren't special without a family to help you celebrate,
without a mother to remember things about
your growing up and a daddy to give you that
special kiss and say, "My little girl's growing up.
Soon she'll have eyes for someone else beside
me." Finally, I was going to have a party that
really was solely my own and a big party, too!
I told Sanford that Celine wanted me to practice
dance on the morning of my birthday and his
eyes grew small and troubled. Later, at dinner, he
mentioned it and CeHne shot a look at me as if to
say I had betrayed her.
"Did she go crying to you about it?" she asked.
"Why is it that you've suddenly become her
knight in shining armor?"
"Come on, Celine. She just mentioned it when I
told her about the plans for her party. I thought
V. C. ANDREWS
we would all decorate the family room in the
morning and—"
"Really, Sanford, what did you expect me to
do? Climb a ladder and hang balloons?" she asked
disdainfully.
"No, of course not. I just thought..." I could
tell he was weakening.
"There are no holidays, no days off, no time to
forget what is your destiny, Janet," she said,
turning back to me.
"I know. I wasn't complaining," I said. I didn't
want her to think I wasn't grateful.
She stared at me a moment. It was a hard look,,
and her eyes were full of disappointment. I had to |
look down at my food. ^|
*'I know you're a young girl, but as a dancer you |
are entering a world that requires you to become,!
an adult faster, Janet," she continued. "It will; |
make you stronger, for everything in life. r|
promise."..'" , ', ' ' . , •" ^. . '., " . '. .,^|
I looked up and she smiled. .1
"You've come so far so fast. It wasn't long ago I
when you were just a lost child in that orphanage.
Now you have a name and a talent. You're going
to b® someone. Don't give up on me," she said,
her voice surprising me with its soft pleading.
"Oh, I won't do that. Mother." How could she
fear that I would give up on her?
"Good. Good. Then it's settled. We'll work in
the morning and then you can enjoy your party.
Mildred will decorate the family room," she told
Sanford.
126
BUTTERFLY
"I'd like to help," he said.
"Yes, I suppose you would," Celine told him,
and I could see her scrutinizing him as she often
did me, trying to peer inside his mind.

Celine was a sterner teacher than Madame
Malisorf. The morning of my birthday, she was
waiting impatiently for me in the studio. I was on
my way into the studio when Mildred called out
to me that I had a telephone call. One of the girls
atschool, Betty Lowe, caHed to talk to me about
my party and the five boys I had invited. She said
everyone Knew how much Josh Brown liked me.
My conversation lasted longer than I realized and
Celine was annoyed when I joined her in the
studio, five minutes late.
"What have I told you about time and its
importance when it comes to practice, Janet? I
thought you understood," she snapped as soon as
I entered the studio.
"I'm sorry," I said Before I could offer any
explanation, she sent me directly to therbarre.
I tried but I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't
help thinking about my party, about everyone
getting dressed up, and about the music and the
food. I just knew this party would make the kids
I'd invited finally let me into their group. I didn't
think I had to do anything more to impress Josh,
but just in case, I would be sure to wear my
prettiest dress.
As these thoughts flooded my mind, I went
through the motions of my routine. Celine rolled
129
V. G. ANDREWS
her wheelchair over until she was only inches
from me and began to criticize my form and
tempo.
"You're missing your mark," she said. "No, not
so fast. Listen to the music. That landing was too
hard! You don't land like an elephant, you float
like a butterfly. Relax your knees. No. Stop!" she
screamed and covered her face with her hands.
"I'm sorry," I said when she stayed silent. "I'm;
trying," ^. . ; .^ - , ^j
"You're not trying. Ybur mind is elsewhere. ||
wish Sanford had never thought up this birthda
party," she muttered, her normally pretty mout;
twisted, her eyes burning with an inner rage fl
made me look away. "All right," she said final
"Well make it up later. Go get ready for yc
party. I know when I'm fighting a lost cai
Believe me, I know when I'm doing that,"
added, still very bitter.
I apologized again, but as soon as I left
behind me in the studio and rounded the coi
of the doorway, I ran through the house, up' 1
stairs, and to my room. I wanted to try my hail
a new style and I still hadn't decided on wnj
dress I should wear. I had decided to polish0!
nails, too. When my first guests arrived, I waS^
primping and Sanford had to come to my do<
tell me it was time to come down to greet pe<
The presents were piled up like Christmasi
under a tree. Mildred had helium balloons oh I
ceiling with different-colored ribbons clan;
There were birthday decorations on the win
and walls, and the food was so impressive, I i
13ft
BUTTERFLY
Mrs. Williams wonder aloud what Sanford and
Celine would do for a wedding.
A wedding? I thought. Would I become a fa
mous dancer and marry another famous dancer?
Would I marry a rich businessman like Sanford?
Would I go to college and meet some handsome
young man? It was as if my life here was the key to
unlocking a treasure chest of fantasies, fantasies
that could actually come true!
My new grandparents were the last to arrive. I
heard Celine ask about Daniel and saw her moth
er grimace.
"Who knows where he is?" she groaned.
"That's why we're late. He was supposed to drive
us."
"Happy birthday," my grandfather said when
he saw me standing nearby. He was the one who
handed me my present.
"Yes, happy birthday," my grandmother fol
lowed. She didn't give me much more than a
passing glance before getting into a conversation
with the other guests. My grandfather began a
discussion with Sanford and I returned to my
friends. We danced and drank punch and ate. Josh
was at my side most of the time, although sud
denly Billy Ross was asking me to dance as well.
Afterward, I cut the huge birthday cake. I had to
blow out the candles and everyone sang "Happy
Birthday" to me, everyone but my grandmother,
who stood staring with a dark, unhappy expres
sion on her face. While we ate cake I opened
presents and everyone oohed and ahed over the
pretty clothes, the hair dryer, the jewelry. My
V. C. ANDREWS
grandparents had bought me a. pair of leath
gloves that turned out to be at least two sizes t<
big.
I hated to see the party come to an end. Jo
stayed behind and reminded me I had promisi
to show him our lake. I told Sanford where i
were going and we left the house. It was a bit co
and overcast. I wore my new leather jacket th
Sanford and Celine had bought me.
"This is a great house," Josh said. "It's twice*-
big as mine. And all this land, I could have b
own baseball field," he continued. "Ycafl
lucky^ ' - , I - . 'a
"I am lucky," I said. We stood at the crest o£|
hill, looking down at the lake. '.,
"I'm glad you transferred into our school," NJ
said. "Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have el
met you." . ..;, . '..|
"No, youwouldn't have," I said, thinking atX|
where I had come from. I was almost tempted|
tell him the truth. He was so sweet, but I'«J
afraid that the moment he heard the word orpVi
be would back away and pretend he never k||
me." ^ . ' .:..- , ; ^1|
"Can we go in the rowboat?" he asked whei||
spotted the boat docked onshore. |||
"My father doesn't want me to go wither
adult. I don't swim," I confessed. H
"Really? How come?" D
I shrugged, a^
"I just never learned." 'ifu
His eyes grew narrow and his eyebrows otj
touched. Then he smiled.
BUTTERFLY

"Maybe Til be the one to teach you this
summer."
"I'd like that," I said.
"I never gave you a birthday kiss," he said.
I didn't move and he leaned toward me slowly.
I closed my eyes and there, on the crest of the hill
behind my new home, I was kissed for the first
time oh the lips. It didn't last long. There was
even a little friction shock, but I thought it was the
most wonderful kiss in the world, better than any
I had seen on television or in the movies. The
little warm feeling that followed lingered for a
moment around my heart and then trickled into
my pool of memories where it would stay forever
and ever.
"Janet!" We turned to see Sanford beckoning.
"Josh's father is here to pick hilffi up." ;
"Okay," I called back and we started for the
house. Josh took my hand. Neither of ;wspoifee.
We let go before we rounded the housetoSgraet &i&
father, who wished me a happy birthday. ;
"See you in school," Josh said. I wished I could
kiss him good-bye, but helooked embarrassed^
and hurried to get into his father's car. Moments
later, he was waving good-bye and my party was
over. I felt likeI did when we were given some
wonderful special dessert at the orphanage. When
it was coming to an end, I wanted to linger and
linger over the last tidbits of pleasure.
I went back inside. Mildred was busy cleaning
"P, but she didn't look upset about the extra work
and when I offered to help her, she laughed and
said not to worry. I was about to go upstairs to
V. C. ANDREWS
change out of my party dress, when I heard vo
in the dining room. My grandparents were I
here, having coffee and talking with Celine.
I was nervous about interrupting them, s
hesitated near the door. Just before I decide
would enter and try to get to know them a li
better, I heard my grandmother say, "She'll
ways be a stranger to me, Celine. She's not of
blood and blood is the most important thing 4
family."; ,
"That's ridiculous. Mother, and anyway^
not concerned about family. I don't just warn
daughter. Anyone can have a daughter. I wai
dancer." My heart fell at her words. What di^(J
mean? ^
"More reason to question what you are ill
Celine. I sawthe girt at the recital. Wh(i|
heaven's name caused you to believe she^
anything special?" a|
"Shedoes," Celine insisted. ^
"Well, if she does, she keeps it well hiddeq||
grandmother said. "Where is she? You.: "q
think she would show some respect. I to^H
time to come here." . . --. -: '''^1
I decided that was my cue and I entered^
"Hello," I said, my voice quavering, myU
ach in knots over Celine's words. "ThanlefiJiB
the present. Grandmother and Grandfather
grandfather nodded and smiled. My grandly
tightened the corner of her mouth. .;J
"We have to go," she said. "Your brothf
constant worry for me," she added, loo||H
Celine. "I'm afraid he's going to end up J
BUTTERFIY
one of those floozies and disgrace all of us one of
these days," she added as she rose.
"It's your own fault," Celine said. "You spoiled
him."
"I didn't spoil him. Your father spoiled him,"
she accused. ...,. ;
"He'll be an right" Sanford said. "He's just
sowing his wild oats."
"Really?" my grandmother said. "Well, when
do you think he'll run out of oats?"
Sanford laughed and then escorted them out.
My grandfather patted me on the head as they left
and mumbled something about "Many happy
returns."
I remained with Celine, who sat there brooding
in her chair.
"Thank you for the party," I told her. She
looked up as if just realizing I was still in the
room. "Where
were you?"
"I went for a walk with Josh to show him the
lake/'Isaid. :
She rolled her chair around the table and came
toward me. ;
"You've got to be careful when it comes to
boys," she began.
I smiled. I was just thirteen.
g "I know what you're thinking. You think you
have plenty of time to worry about romance, but
believe me, you don't. Not you. You're special. I
don't want you to turn your brain into Jell-0 with
silly lovesickness. It's distracting and this morning
you saw what distraction can do."
135
V. C. AyD&EWS
She drew closer until we were gazing into eac
other's eyes.
'^Sex draws on your creative energies, Janet.
can drain you," she explained. "When I wa
dancing and approaching the peak ofmydevelo]
ment, I refrained from all sexual activities wit
Sanford. Fora long time, we even slept in separa;
rooms," she added. "
-I didn't say anything and I didn't move. I doa
think I even blinked. ;
"I had many boys chasing after me, especial
when I was your age," she continued, "but I didai
have time to waste on schoolgirl crushes. vq
won't either so don't encourage any." She starte
to wheel herself away and stopped. "Tomorro^
she said, "we'll try to make up for today." j
She left me standing there looking after Be
"Make up for today?" She made it sound as ifliJ
birthday and my birthday party were a to|
inconvenience. ..., . " . . ^"IJ
I had a grandmother who didn't really wan(||
and a mother who only wanted me so that I cq||
be the dancer she couldn't be. (^
No, Josh, I thought, maybe I'm not as luck^J
you imagine. . - :. ^ s. ^ ' . ' , ^4
Outside, the sky turned darker. The rain bfl||
and the drops that hit the windows looked^
heaven's tears.
Once Celine and I began working weekends on
my dancing, it became a regular part of my
schedule. A number of times, &mford tried to
plan family outings: day trips, shopping, movie
matinees, or just a ride and dinner in a nice
restaurant. Celine not only rejected his sugges
tions; she became annoyed and angry at him just
for making them.
After my birthday party, I was invited to other
girls' houses, and one night I was invited to a
pajama party at Betty Lowe's. Celine always had a
reason why I shouldn't go, the primary one being I
would stay up too late, be too tired, and start my
dance practice too late. ;
"Parents don't watch (heirchildren very well
anymore," she told me. "I can't be sure youllbe
well chaperoned, and I know what happens at
these all-girl parties. Bays always sneak over and
V. C. ANDREWS
then ... things happen. Not that I ever weni
any sleepovers--I knew enough not to be <
traded," she added.
I tried to explain my situation to my i
friends, but after I had turned down half a do:
invitations, the invitations stopped coming i
once again, I felt a gap growing between me <
the other students at the school. Even Josh be]
to lose interest in me because we never ha<
chance to be alone. Once, and only because S
ford had talked Celine into permitting me to
with him to the factory after my dance lesson Q
Saturday, I was able to meet Josh at the cust
stand. Sanford knew that was why I wanted tt
along with him and he permitted me to stay tft
for nearly- two hours before coming around
bring me home. ^1
"It's probably best for you not to mention!
to Celine," Sanford told me. "Not that we wsebj
keep any secrets from her. I just don't waa||
worrying." ..!'."- . .;" ..^
I nodded, but he didn't have to ask. I woul|
have dreamed of mentioning it. a^
I did my best to explain my situation to^|
but he couldn't understand how my dancio^
vented me from doing neariy everything H^
the other kids could do. The crisis came wN!J|
formally asked me to the movies. His fath<|g
going to drive us. Sanford said yes but CeK^|
no and they got into the worst argument tb^
since I had arrived. NiB
"This time it's only a night at the moviijjij
ice cream afterward, ice cream full of fat l
BUTTERFLY
doesn't need. Tomorrow it will be a whole week
end day and night. And then she'll be wanting to
go on weekend jaunts with girls who have nothing
but bubble gum brains and two left feet."
"She's only thirteen, Celine."
"When I was thirteen, I had performed in
twelve programs and I had danced in Steeping
Beauty at the Albany Center for the Performing
Arts. You've seen the news clippings."
"That's you. Janet's Janet."
"Janet has opportunities now she would never
have had, Sanford. It's practically sinful to do
anything that would frustrate or detract from
them." She would not be dissuaded.
"But—". : } .. •. ;;"" , • :, .
"Haven't you done enough damage to ballet for
one lifetime?" she screamed at him.
When Sanford came to my door that evening, I
already knew what the decision was.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Celine thinks you're too
young for this sort of thing."
He said it with his head down, his eyes on the
floor.
"I'll think of something nice for us to d6 soon,"
he added, and left me crying tears into my pillow.
Josh's face dropped and actually turned ashen
when I told him I couldn't go with him that Friday
night. I tried to give him an explanation, but he
just shook his head.
"What is it, your parents don't think I'm rich
enough?" he shot back at me and then turned and
left me standing alone in the school hallway
before I could deny it.
V. C. ANDREWS
I felt as if I were entering Celine*s private worid *
of shadows now. One of my girlfriends called to
tease me and sang, "All work and no play make
Janet a dull girl." The worid that had become
filled with sunshine and color began to turn
shades of gray. Even when it was a dear sky, I felt ^
as if clouds hung over me. My moodiness seeped ^
into my performances at lessons. Madame Mat* I
isorfs eyes narrowed into slits of suspicion. Ce-1
line had made me promise never to tell Madame |
Malisorf how hard she and I worked on the |
weekends, but my master teacher was too percep- ^
tive. ' . ' ' ' ' 1
"Aren't you resting your legs?" she asked me |
directly one afternoon. Celine was in her usual I
corner observing. I glanced her way. Madame ^
Malisorf followed the shift in my eyes and turned. 1
"Celine, are you working this student seven |
days a week?" she demanded. ]
"On occasion, I go over something with her,
Madame Malisorf. She's young and--"
"I want her to have a full twenty-four hours of
rest. Those muscles need some time to rebuild.
Every time we work out, we break them down.
You, of all people, should know that," she said,
shaking her head. "Make sure she has the rest
required," she demanded.
Celine promised, but never kept her promise,
and if I mentioned it, she would go into a rage and
then a depression, backing herself into one of
those dark corners in the house to stare sadly at
the pictures of her former self. Sometimes, she
240
BUTTERFLY
simply read and reread a dance program and I'd
find her asleep in her chair, the program in her
lap, clutched tightly in her fingers. I didn't have
the heart to put up any real resistance.
I tried to do better, to be sharp, to hit my marks.
Now, without any friends calling me, I did my
homework and went to bed early. I even did what
she had asked me to do when I first enrolled in
school. I pretended to have cramps and got myself
excused from physical education class a number
of times. I needed to conserve my energy. I had
grown terrified of being tired or sluggish.
Summer was drawing closer and with it was the
promise of attending a prestigious dance school.
However, money couldn't buy someone a place in
the school. Everyone had to audition and Celine's
new obsession was getting me prepared for that
audition. Madame MaUsorfagreed to help win me
a spot. She thought it was a good idea for me to go
to the school because she was going to spend most
of her summer in Europe as she usually did Sty
lessons became reviews of fundamentals. Dimitri
rarely came to practice anymore. He had already
been accepted to a school for dance in New York
City and was preparing himself for the new
training.
We had to travel to Bennington, Vermont,
where the audition for the dance school was being
held. I was actually excited about it because I
would be spending eight weeks at the school and I
had read the program and schedule and seen that
there was more rest and recreation time than I
141
V. C. ANDREWS
now had. Of course, almost anywhere would give
me more time. At the end of the school's brochure
were testimonials written by former students and
many of them talked about the social events,
singing around the campfire, their weekly social
dance, and short bus trips to museums and histor
ic sights. Not everything had to do with dance.
The school's philosophy was that a more rounder
person makes a more complete artist. It was verg
expensive to go there and it amazed me that sq
many people would compete to spend so mudi
money.
At my final lesson before the audition, Madi
Malisorf put me through what she predic
would be the school's test. She stood back ale
side Celine and tried to be an objective judge.
the end she and Celine spoke softly for a mome
and then Madame Malisorf smiled. ^
"I would give you a place in my school, Janet;**
she said. "You've made considerable improve
ment and you have reached a quality of perfor
mance that would justify the investment of
further time and effort," she claimed. Celine
beamed.
I was happy too because I really wanted to get
into the school. I think a part of me, a strong part
of me, wanted to get away for a while, and not feel
so guflty about every misstep. Before she left,
Madame Malisorf warned Celine not to wear me
out.
"She's a fragile commodity now, Celine. We've
taken her far, too far too fast perhaps, but she's
there. Now let's let her develop at a normal pace.
142
BUTTERFLY
Otherwise..." She looked at me. "We'll ruin
what we've created."
"Don't worry, Madame. I will cherish her as
much as I cherished myself, if not more."
Despite the hard days and the difficult lessons,
despite her critical eyes and often harsh com
ments, I had grown to appreciate and respect
MadameMalisorf. I was even a bit afraid of what
would happen without her overseeing everything,
but she left assuring me that my teachers at the
school would be of the highest quality.
"I'll see you in September," she told me and
left.
"I knew it," Celine declared once we were
alone. "I knew she would come to see you as I do.
We must continue to prepare. This is wonderful,
wonderful," she said and for the next few days,
she was as animated and excited as she had been
when I first arrived.
Sanford, however, looked more troubled by it
all. Problems at the factory took up more arid
more of his time and he continually apologized to
me about it. It was as if he was sorry he was
leaving me alone with Celine so much. Celine
wasn't the least bit interested in the factory and
didn't have the patience to listen to anything
Sanford said. She was so focused on my audition,
it seemed that she thought of nothing else from
the moment she rose to the moment she fell
asleep.
And then, the week before my audition, there
was a new family crisis. Daniel had run off and
married a woman he had gotten pregnant. My
143
V. C. ANDREWS
grandparents were overwrought. They held a fam
ily meeting at our house. I wasn't invited, but they
spoke so loudly, I would have had to have been
deaf not to hear.
"Both my children just go out and do impulsive
things," Grandmother cried. "Neither of you
thinks about the family name anymore."
I heard them all trying to calm her, but she was
beside herself. They talked about Daniel's new
wife and how she came from a lower class of
people.
"What sort of a child would a woman like that,
produce?" Grandmother asked. "We should dis
own them both. We should."
If they did that, what would happen to the,
baby? I wondered. Would he or she become an
orphan like I was?
The sound of discussion turned to the sounds of
sobbing. Soon afterward, my grandparents
emerged, my grandmother looking distraught, her
eyes bloodshot, her makeup smudged. She gazed
at me, then turned and hurried out of the house.
Daniel was the mainsubject of conversation at
the beginning of dinner that night, but Celine put
a quick, sharp end to it.
"I don't want to hear his name anymore this
week. I don't want anything to distract us from
our objective, Sanford. Forget about him."
"But your parents ..." he began.
"They'll get over it," she said, and turned to me
to talk about the things we should sharpen in my
presentation.
144
BUTTERFLY
Finally, the day arrived. I had trouble sleeping
the night before, slipping in and out of night
mares. In most I either fell or got so dizzy in my
pirouette, I looked clumsy. I saw heads shaking
and Celine shrinking in her wheelchair.
The moment I moved my legs to get out of bed
that morning, I felt the pain in my stomach. It was
as if there was a fist closing inside me and then my
lower back ached so hard and deeply, it brought
tears to my eyes. I crunched up and took deep
breaths. The warm trickle on the inside of my
thigh sent chills of terror shooting down to my
feet and bouncing back up through my body to
curl in my head and make my brain scream.
Gingeriy, inches at a time, I reached down, and
when I saw the blood on my fingertips, I cried.
"No, not now, not today," I pleaded with my
insistent body.
I swung my legs around, but when I put my
weight on them, they crumbled and I found
myself on all fours, the pain growing worse,^ nearly
taking my breath away. I went on my side and lay
there in a fetal position, trying to catch my breath.
That was when my door burst open and Celine
wheeled herself in, her face full of excitement as
she cried, "Wake up, wake up. Today is our day.
Wake..."
She froze, her hands glued to the top of her
wheels as she stared down at me.
"What are you doing, Janet?"
"It's... my period. Mother," I said- "I woke
up and I was bleeding. I have such cramps and my
145
V.C.ANDSEWS
backaches. I have a terrible headache, too. Ever
time I lift my head a little, it feels like ste<
marbles are rolling around inside me."
"Why didn't you put on the protection I bougl
you?" she demanded. "You should always h
anticipating this. I told you," she insisted when
shook my head. ;
"No, you never told me to do that before I we<
to sleep every night."
"This is ridiculous. Get up on your feet. Qea
yourself and get dressed. 1*11 have Mildred chang
the sheets on your bed. Get up'" she screamedL
I heard Sanford pounding his feet on the ste|
as he charged up our stairway.
"What is it, Celine? Why are you shouting
What's wrong?" he cried and came through t|
doorway, stopping just behind her. "Janet!"
"It's nothing. She's only gotten her period."
"It hurts so much," I wailed.
"Don't be ridiculous," Celine insisted.
"If she says it hurts, Celine ..." Sanford begai
"Of course it hurts,Sanford. It's never pleasan
but she's just being melodramatic." "I
don't know. I've heard of young girls pracfc
cally being incapacitated. My sister had to b
brought home from school. I remember--"
"Your Sister is an idiot," Celine said an
wheeled herself closer to me. "Get up this mil
ute," she ordered;
I struggled into a sitting position and tnei
using the bed, started to rise. Sanford rushed t
my side and helped me stand.
"You're going to ruin the rug. Get into th
146
BUTTERFLY
bathroom. Don't you have any pride?" Celine
screamed.
"Stop yelling at her," Sanford urged. He helped
me into the bathroom and then stepped out while
I cleaned myself and found the sanitary napkins. I
had to sit on the closed toilet seat to catch my
breath. The pain didn't lessen.
"What are you doing in there?" Celine called.
She came to the bathroom door.
I reached for the sink and pulled myself Up.
Every step brought more pain. I opened the door
and looked out at her.
"It hurts so much," I complained;
"It will go away. Get dressed. We're leaving in
an hour," she said and spun around.
I started out of the bathroom. The cramps kept
me clutching my stomach and leaning over. I tried
to move around the room, get my dress from the
closet, put on my; shoes, but the pain just got
worse. The only position that brought any relief
was lying on my side and pulling my legs up.
How would I ever dance today? I wondered.
How could I perform those leaps and turns? Just
the thought of going on pointe brought more pain
to my back and stomach. My head was pounding.
"What are you doing?" I heard Celine cry; She
was in my doorway. "Why aren't you dressed?"
I didn't reply. I clutched my stomach and took
deep breaths.
"Janet!"
"What's happening now?" Sanford asked.
"She's not getting dressed. Look at her," Celine
demanded.
V. C. ANDREWS
"Janet," Sanford said. "Are you all right?"
"No," I groaned. "Every time I try to stand, it
hurts."
"She can't possibly go today, Celine. You'll
have to postpone it," he told her.
"Are you mad? You can't postpone this. There
are so many giris trying out. They'll choose their
quota before she has a chance to compete. We've
got to go," Celine insisted. .
"But she can't even stand," he protested.
"Of course she can. Stand up," CeHne ordered
She wheeled toward the bed. Sanford held out his
hands to stop her.
"Celine, please."
"Stand up, stand up, you ungrateful urchin,
Stand up!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
I had to try again. I rose and put my feet down,
Sanford stood and watched as I made the effort
As my body straightened, the pain in my stomachy
shot up into my chest. I cried, folded, and feHJ
back to the bed. 1|
"Stand up!" Celine shouted. j|i
Sanford forcefully turned her around in th||
chair. • • - : .If
"Stop this. She has to go. Stop it, Sanford. Stqj
it," she cried. He continued to wheel her ford^
fully out of my room. '^
"She probably needs some kind ofmedicatio^j
I'll have to take her to the doctor," he said.
"That's ridiculous. You fool. She won't get in
the school. Janet!" she cried, her voice echoing
the hallway.
My body tightened. I was so frightened.
148
BUTTERFLY
squeezed my eyes shirt to clamp out the worid
around me. There was a buzzing in my ear and
then a darkness, a comfortable, easeful darkness
in which I no longer felt the pain and the agony.
I felt like I was floating. My arms had turned
into paper-thin wings. I was drifting through the
darkness toward a pinhole of light and it felt so
wonderful, so easy. I glided and turned, dove and
rose, fluttering.
Then I passed what looked like a wall of mirrors
on both sides, drifting, gently raising and lowering
my paper-thin wings. I looked at myself as I
continued toward the light.
And amazingly, I was a butterfly.
Twelve

what's wrong with her?" I heard a voice say. Us
sounded far away, like a voice at the end of a
tunnel, so it was hard to recognize it.
"All of her vital signs are good. This is some
sort of anxiety attack, Sanford."
"That's ridiculous," another voice snapped.
The darkness began to diminish a bit. "She has
nothing to make her anxious. She has more than
most girls her age have."
"You don't know as much about her past as yott
think you do, Celine. There are many things
working in the subconscious mind. And then this
might all be due to the psychological trauma of
having her first period," he added.
"Did you ever hear anything so ridiculous as
that? Please, Doctor," Celine insisted. "Give her
something."
150
BUTTERFLY
"There's nothing to give her but a little time
and then a lot of tender loving care, Celine."
"What do you think she's been getting?"
"Celine." Sanford's strong voice broke through
the darkness.
"Well, he talks like we've been torturing the
child," she said.
The darkness dwindled some more and the
light began to grow stronger, wider. My eyelids
fluttered.
"She's waking up."
I opened my eyes and looked into Dr. Franklin's
face.
"Hello there," he said, smiling. "How are you
doing?" "I '^ , ' ' :.. ' ""1'.':',,
I wasso confused, I closed my eyes and tried to
think and then I opened them and looked around,
I was still in my room. Celine was at the foot of
my bed and Sanford was standing beside her with
his hand on the back of her chair.
"Can you sit up?" the doctor asked.
I nodded and started to dp so. I was a little
dizzy, but that passed quickly and I was up. There
was a dull ache in my back and my stomach felt
woozy. I gazed at the clock and saw that it was
midaftemoon.
"There. She'll be fine»" the doctor sajtd, "Just a
day's rest now. The worst is over," he added.
"Is it?" Celine asked dryly. She was shaking her
head and glaring at me.
The doctor closed his bag and left the room
with Sanford. Celine wheeled herself closer.
V. C. ANDREWS
"I don't know what happened to me. Mother,
I said. "I'll get dressed."
"Dressed?" She laughed a thin, bone-chillin
laugh. "For what? It's over. Your chance to g<
into the school is over. We missed the audition,
"Can't we reschedule it?" I asked. My throttle
was so dry, it hurt to speak. ^
"No. There's no point in it," she said, her eye
small. "They went through dozens of girls an
filled their openings by now." y
"I'm sorry," I said. ^
"Me too. All this work, the hours and hours <
lessons, the best shoes ..." She shook her hea<
turned her chair, and wheeled out of my room.
I stepped off the bed and started for the bati
room. It felt like I was walking on a floor c
balloons. My ankles wobbled at first and then.
grew stronger. I splashed cold water on my f^|
and brushed back jny hair. Still feeling wea^
went to my closet and found something to we||
Mildred came to my room just as I finish^
dressing. ' ' ' ' , ^'.^
"Mr. Delorice wanted me to see if you 11^
hungry,"she said. *TU bring you something.^
"No, I can come down. Thank you, Mildre(|j
She said she would make me some hot soup^l
a toasted cheese sandwich, which I told^H
sounded good. When I went out into the hallwl^
saw the door to Celine's bedroom was open |U
peeked in. She was in bed, staring up at^j
ceiling. -- . ;
"I'm feeling better," I said. She didn't res||l|
"Are you all right. Mother?"
152
BUTTERFLY
She closed her eyes. My heart began to thump.
Was she so angry at me that she would pretend not
to hear me? I hurried away as fast as I could and
descended the stairs. Sanfbrd was on the phone in
his den talking to someone at his factory. He
waved when I appeared in the doorway and indi
cated he would be right with roe; I went into the
dining room and Mildred brought me my soup
and sandwich.
"Is Celine very angry at me?" I asked when
Sanfbrd appeared.
"No, no," he said. "She's disappointed, but
things will look better in the morning. They
always do. How are you doing?" he asked, petting
my hair.
"I'm better. I feel like I just-climbed a high
mountain and ran miles," I told him. He smiled
and nodded.
"I guess it's true when they say men have it
easier. I'll just go look in on Celine," he added
and left to go upstairs.
When he came down again, he looked more
concerned. He flashed a quick smile at me and
told me he had to go to the factory for a little
while.
"Celine's resting. Try not to disturb her," he
added, and left.
I went upstairs quietly^ thinking again that I
would just peek in on her, but Celine's door was
closed. It remained closed for the rest of the day
and night. I watched some television, read, and
went up to bed before Sanford returned from the
factory.
V. C. ANDREWS
When I woke in the morning, I did feel bett
The sun was shining brightly through my curtail
I wanted to wear something cheerful so I chos<
yellow blouse with a white skirt and the light bl
sneakers Celine and Sanford had bought me t
first week I arrived. I fixed my hair into a ponyti
When I stepped out of my room, I saw tt
Celine's bedroom door was still closed, but
imagined Sanford was downstairs at the dini
room table, reading his paper and waiting for i
as he had been almost every morning since tt
brought me here from the orphanage.
When I got downstairs, however, there was
one in the dining room. Mildred came from t
kitchen and told me Sanford had been up vc
early and was already gone.
"What about my mother?" I asked her.
"I brought her breakfast, but she didn't <
much other dinner last night and she didn't to
like she was very interested in any breakfast. S
hardly spoke," she added, shaking her head.
think she's sick,"
"Maybe Sanford went for the doctor," I said
"No," Mildred said. The way she pressed I
lips shut told me she knew more. "He didn't
for the doctor."
"What is it, Mildred? What else is wrong?"
"I don't know (hat anything's wrong," she sai
"Mr. Delorice, he was very concerned about 1
business this morning. Not that I listen in on 1
phone calls," she added quickly.
"I know you dont, Mildred. Please tell i
what you do know," I pleaded.
154
BITTTEKPLY
"Something happened at the factory this week,
but I don't know what. I just know it's made him
very upset," she said. *TH bring you some break
fast."
"I'm going up to see my mother first," I told her
and hurried up the stairway. I knocked on Ch
ime's door but she didn't respond. I waited a
moment and then opened it slowly and peered in.
Celine was in her wheelchair staring out a
window. She was still in her nightgown and her
hair was unbrushed. She wore no lipstick.
"Mother?" I said coming up behind her. She
didn't turn, so I spoke louder. She simply stared
out the window. "Are you all right. Mother?"
Suddenly she started to laugh. It began with a
low rumbling in her throat, and then her face
broke into a wide smile with a wild look in her
eyes and her laughter got louder, stranger. Tears
began to stream out of her eyes. Her shoulders
shook. She seized the wheels of her chair and
rolled them forward and then backward, and
forward again until she hit the wall.
"Mother, what are you doing? Why are you
doing that?" I cried.
She simply laughed and continued.
I stepped away.
"Stop it," I screamed. "Please."
Her laughter grew even louder as she wheeled
forward and backward, each time slamming hard
er into the wall.
"Mother! Stop!"
She didn't so I turned and ran from the loom
V. C. ANDREWS
right into Sanford, who was coming up the
stairway.
"Something's wrong with Celine," I cried. "She
won't stop laughing and she keeps wheeling her
chair into the wall."
"What? Oh no."
He hurried past me and into the bedroom. I
heard him pleading with her to stop. Her laughter
was still so loud I had to cover my ears because it
was so terrifying. Mildred came to the foot of the
stairway.
"What's wrong, Janet?"
"It's Celine. She won't stop laughing."
"Oh no," she said and shook her head. "She did
that once before." She shook her head again and
walked away.
I looked toward Celine's bedroom, my heart
thumping so hard I thought my chest would just
split apart.
Finally the laughter stopped. I started toward
the bedroom but before I got there, Sanford
closed the door. I stood there for a white and then
went downstairs to wait. Mildred brought me
some juice, toast, and eggs, but I couldn't eat
anything. Not long afterward, I heard the doorbell
and Mildred welcomed Dr. Franklin. He hurriedl
up the stairs. I followed, but again I heard thei
bedroom door shut. I
The doctor remained in there a long time. I
went downstairs to wait and then went out from
and sat on the bench under the weeping willo^
trees. It was such a pretty day, with only apuffol
-„ _ -_-«- ._ _ _ l-» _ - » - -a 1_ _ -_- - -„ jl ai_ _ _ _ f^-* „ _i - --. _ --3
BUTTERFLY
singing and fluttering all around me. A curious
squirrel paused and stared at me, even when I
began to speak to it. Then it scurried up a tree. On
such a glorious morning, bow could tilings be so
gray and dismal in my heart?
Finally the front door opened. Sanford stood
talking softly to Dr. Franklin for a few moments.
They shook hands and the doctor walked to his
car. I rose and he looked my way.
"And how are you feeling?" he asked.
"I'm better. How's my mother?"
"Sanford will speak to you," he said cryptically
and got into his car. I watched him drive off and
then I hurried into the house. Sanford was in his
den on the phone again. He held his right forefin
ger up and then turned in his chair so his back was
to me as he continued his conversation. I didn't
know where to go. Suddenly I felt so lost. I felt like
a stranger, an intruder. Celine's bedroom door
was still shut tight. I wandered through the house,
paused at the studio, and then went up to my
room and sat on my bed, waiting. It seemed
forever until Sanford came up.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I have a crisis at my
plant. It seems my foreman was embezzling from
me but luckily I found out in time. I could have
been bankrupted. I've had to work things out with
my business manager and accountant as well as
the district attorney and that's still not over. In
the middle of it all... well, Celine's not doing
well."
"What's wrong with her?" I asked, my eyes
tearing. "Is it all my fault?"
157
V. C. ANDREWS
"No, no," he said. He stood there gazing at me
for a moment and then he took a deep breath,
looked toward the window, his own eyes glassing
over, and shook his head. "It's all my fault. I put
her in that chair, not you. I took away the thing
that meant the most to her, that gave her a reason
to be. We've just been going through the motions
of living ever since," he added. "Then, she woke
up one morning and thought about us adopting
someone like you. I thought it was our salvation,
my salvation, I should say.
"I didn't think it out properly," he continued,
crossing my room to stand by the window. He
spoke with his back to me. "I should have realized
what you, what anyone in your shoes—pointe
shoes," he corrected, turning to me with a smile,
"would be put through. It wasn't fair."
"I didn't mind it," I said quickly. "It's been
hard, but..."
"It's been cruel," he corrected, turning to me,
"That's what it's been. Your childhood has been
disregarded, ignored, sacrificed to satisfy an unre^
alistic dream. You can never be what Celine
wants—you can't give her back her legs, ha|
career, her dream. No one can, even the most
talented dancer. She tried to live through you, and|
I am sorry to say, I let it happen because it bought
me some peace and relief from my own dark|
oppressive clouds of guilt." He smiled. "In a way|
Janet, I have been exploiting you, too. I'm sorry.'IJ
"I don't understand," I cried, j
' "*,
"I know. It's too much to lay on someone youi
158 1
BUTTERFLY
age. It's very unfair to burden you so. This family
has more baggage than anyone can imagine.
"Anyway/' he continued with his hands behind
his back, "I can't ignore Celine's deeper problems
anymore. She's going to need professional help
and it will be a very long and arduous journey,
one that may never end. I'm sorry," he said, "that
I ever permitted you to be brought into this.
You're still young enough to have another chance,
a better chance for a good, healthy young life."
"What do you mean?" I asked, my heart stop
ping.
"I can't take care of Celine and give you the
proper home life you deserve at the same time,"
he said. "It's better for everyone if you have
another opportunity."
"Another opportunity?" He couldn't be saying
what I thought he was.
"It won't be pleasant for you here, Janet, and I
don*t think Celine will make any improvements if
she sees you and believes she's failed again. Not
that I think she has. I think you've donesplen
didly, and anyone in a normal family situation
would be proud of you. I'm proud of you. I am.
But I'm also very afraid for you.
"The truth is," he said, gazing toward the
window again, "I'm even afraid for myself."
He smiled at me. It was a brave smile.
"I hate to lose you. You're a delightful young
lady and a pleasure to have around. This place is
not going to be the same," he said. "I wantyou to
know you mean a lot to me, Janet. You brought
159
V. C. ANDREWS
some real light into my life and into our home.
Now it's my turn to bring light into yours."
"You're giving me back?" I finally asked, choking
back the tears.
"I don't want to, but that's what's best. I'vegot
to devote all my time togetting Celine well. I owe
her that, Janet, surely you understand. There
won't be anyone to look after you properly and I
I'm afraid Celine wont be any sort of mother to |
anyone. , - ., . .-,' .. . . ,j
"You've already seen what your grandparents |
are like. They're absorbed now in their own Httlep|
crisis with Daniel. I swear he does what he does||
just to torment them. No," Stanford said, "this ig
not a happy little family at the moment and||
certainly no place in which to nurture a child. Yolaj
deserve better." , . '; "_ ';,'" .,'j|
"It's all my fault," I cried. "Because Igot m||
period at the worst time." ^
"No, no, no," Sanford cajoled. "I seenow thU
it was a blessing. I mean, just suppose you wentf^l
that audition and weren't chosen. She would ha^l
had the same reaction, and if you were chose^H
you would have some other test in due time, a^H
that you wouldn't pass to Tier satisfaction. V^B
never could because you can't be her. I think sn^B
realized that; she's facing it and that's w|H
she's... having her problems. The truth is, Ja!^H
Celine may have to be institutionalized. This i^|B
painful for me. I'm sorry," he said. "Please, d^^l
blame yourself I'll see to what has to be done. ||1|^1
sure that it won't be long before another, heatt|jU
er, couple scoops you up." *^^1
260
BUTTERFLY
He kissed me on tee forehead and left. I sat
there, stunned, gazing around my beautiful room,
Just as fast as it had been given to me, it was going
to be taken away. I wished I had never been
brought here, I thought. It was worse to have seen
this and lost it than never to have seen it at all.
How many mommies and daddies would I lose?
How many times would I have to say goodbye?
I was angry, raging inside, my emotions tossing
and turning like waves in a hurricane, I felt
betrayed. I was never really given the chance to
love them.
At dinner Sanford told me he had made arrangements
and that the child protection service
wanted me to go to a group foster home where I
would stay until I w^s adopted again.
"They said it was very nice arid you would have
lots of new friends."
"I made lots of new friends here," I said.
He nodded, his eyes sad.
"I'm sorry, Janet. It breaks my heart. It really
does," he said and turned away, but not before I
saw the tears m his eyes.
I believed him, but it didn't make any of it
easier. In fact, it made it harder.

There was a flurry of activity the following
morning. A special-duty nurse arrived to help
with Celine, and soon after, the WestfaBs visited.
Celine's mother gave me little more than a passing
glance before she went upstairs to see Celine.
Afterward, Sanford and his father-in-law went
into Sanford's office to discuss the events at the
161
V.C.ANDREWS
glass factory. When they were leaving, my grand
mother looked in at me in the living room, turned
to Sanford, and said, "Celine wasted precious
energy to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."
I wasn't sure what it all meant, but I sensed that
she was blaming me.
Later in the day, Sanford sent Mildred up to my
room to help me pack my things. I still had not
seen Celine because she hadn't come but of her
room and her door was alwaysshut, but I couldn't
leave without at least speaking to her one more
time. I went to the door and knocked. The nurse
opened it.
"I have to say good-bye," I told her. She wasnt
going to let me in, but Sanford hadcome up for
me and told her it was okay. She stepped aside
and I entered.
Celine was in her wheelchair at the window,
just gazing out at the front yard. I put my hand on
hers and she turned very slowly.
"I'm sorry, Celine. I wanted you to be my
mother. I wanted to dance for you." '
She simply stared at me as if I were a total
stranger. J
"I hope you get better real soon. Thank you for 1
trying to make me a prima ballerina." |
She blinked. r|
"It's time," Sanford said from the doorway. r|
I nodded, leaned over, and kissed Celine on th^i
cheek.. • . . ..,.-.' ••' • , ";s|
"Good-bye," I whispered, as
As I turned, she seizedmy hand. .1
162
BUTTERFLY
"Are there a lot of people out there? Is it a big
audience?" she asked.
"What?"
She smiled.
"I'm just warming up. Tell Madame Malisorf
I'll be right there and tell her I'm ready. Tell her
I've already begun to hear the music. She likes
that. Will you tell her?"
"Yes, Celine, of course." I had no idea what she
was talking about.
"Thank you," she said and turned back to the
window.
For a moment I thought I did hear the music. I
remembered what she had told me when we had
first met. "When you're good, and you will be
good, you will lose yourself in the music, Janet. It
will carry you off...."
It was carrying me off now.
I looked back at her once and then left her home
forever.
When we drove away from the house, I did not
look back. I felt as if I was leaving a storybook and
theCovers were being closed behind me. I didn't
want to see my story end. I wanted to remember it
forever as it was: bright, warm, full of the magic of
flowers and birds, rabbits and squirrels, a fantasy
house, my land of Oz.
I sat in the rear or the big car. In the trunk were
two suitcases full of my new clothes, shoes, and
ballet costumes, as weir as my wonderful pointe
shoes. At first I didn't want to take anything. I
wanted to leave wilh'little morethan I had when I
had arrived. Then I thought, if I didn't have these
things, I wouldsurely wake up one morning and
think I had dreamed it all, all the faces, alt the
voices, even my birthday party.
"I hope you'll keep up with your dancing,"
Sanford said. "You really were getting very good."
V. C. ANDREWS
I didn't say anything. I sat quietly and gazed out
the side window watching the scenery drift by. It
felt as if the world were on a ribbon that unraveled
and floated behind us. Every once in a while,
Sanford would say something else. I saw him
gazing at me in the rearyiew mirror. His eyes were
full of sadness and guilt.
"I hope Celine gets better," I told him.
"Thank you." And again I saw tears in his eyes.
We were going to the group foster home, a place
called The Lakewood House. Sanford explained
that it was run by a couple, Gordon and Louise
Tooey, who used to run it as a tourist rooming
house. It was a little under a two-hour drive.
"It will only be temporary for you, I'm sure,"
he said.
On the way he wanted to stop to get me, I
something tip eat, but I told him I wasn't hungry, |
The faster we got there and I started my new life,, I
'.' . ~" . ' . .'?'-,•• • . ". ., ,, • , • •', : f-^|
the better, I thought. At the moment I truly felt in3
limbo.' • • • • • • " • ^ • • • ^
Sanford followed written directions but he got |
lost once and had to pull into a sarage for new|
directions. Finally we were on the road that led t
the group house.
"There it is," Sanford declared.
Ahead of us was a very large, gray two-stoi
house. It had as much if not more grounds tt
Sanford and Celine's home. I saw four yol
girls walking together toward what looked
a ball field. Two teenage boys were mowing [
and a tall, muscular man with a shock of
BUTTERFLY
brown hair and a chiseled face was shouting at
some other children who were raking up the cut
grass.
"Looks mce," Sanford commented.
After we parked he got out my suitcases. A tall
brunette with shoulder4ength hair pinned back
burst out of the front entrance. She looked about
fifty and I thought her best feature was her startling
bhie eyes.
"This must be Janet. I*ve been expecting you all
day, sweetheart," she declared, coming right up to
me. "What a pretty little girl you are."
"Yes, she is," Sanford saidsadly.
"Welcome to The Lakewood House, honey.
My name is Louise. I'll show you to your room.
Right now, she has a room all to herself," she
told Sanford, "but we're expecting new children
soon." -- . I ' ' ^i. ' :- "'-; " 'i-- '
He smiled and nodded. ;
"Gordon?" Louise shouted. "Gordon."
"What is it?" he called back.
"The new girl's arrived."
"Wonderful. I gotta look after these kids, they
never get the lawn right," he said. He looked very
grouchy to me.
"Gordon takes pride in how we keep up the
place," Louise explained. "All of us help, but
you'll see. It's fun," she said. "Come on in.
Please," she added, putting her hand on my
shoulder and guiding me up the stairs to the front
door.
There was a small entryway and then a large
room filled with old furniture.
V. C. AJfffREWS
"The Lakewood was one of the most desirable
tourist houses in its day," Louise told Sanford.
She went on to explain how the resort business
had died and how she and her husband, Gordon,
had decided to use the property as a group foster
home. She didn't have any children of her own,
"but I always consider my wards my own," she
added.
We went upstairs and stopped at a room that
was half the size of my room at the Delorice
residence.
"I just cleaned it thoroughly. The girls share the
bathroom across the hall," Louise explained.
"Cooperation is the key word here," she told
Sanford. "It prepares them for life."
Sanford smiled again. He set my suitcases
down.
"Well," Louise said, looking at him and then at
me. "Why don't I give you two time to say good
bye and then I'll show Janet around the house."
"Thank you," Sanford said. ^
She left us and I sat on what was to be my bunk.|
He stood there silently for a moment.
"Oh, I wanted you to have some money," t
began, and dug into his pocket to produce
billfold and pulled out some large bills. I startc
to shake my head. "No, please, take it and hi<
it," he insisted. "First chance you get, put it in i
bank. Having a little money of your own will
you some independence, Janet." He forced
money into my hand. "You won't be here lo
he said, looking around. "You're a very talec
beautiful child."
BUTTERFLY
I didn't know what to say to him.
"Well, maybe I'll look in on you from time to
time. Would you like that?"
I shook my head and he looked surprised.
"You wouldn't? Why not?"
"When you get old, you lose your memory," I
said, "so you won't remember what you can't
have anymore."
He stared at me and smiled.
"Who told you that?"
I shrugged. "Nobody. I thought it up one day."
"You're probably right. It's nature's way. But I
hope you don't forget me, Janet. I won't forget
you."
"Celine's already forgotten me," I said.
"She's just mixed you up with memories of
herself," he said.
"Then it's better she forgets."
He looked like he was going to cry. All he had
ever done before was kiss me softly on the forehead
and hold my hand crossing streets. He went
to his knees this time and embraced me, holding
me to him for a moment.
"I wanted a daughter like you, more than anything,"
he whispered. Then he kissed me on the
cheek and stood up quickly, turned, and walked I
out of the room. I listened to his footsteps de-
scending the stairway. I
For a long moment I just sat there staring at the
floor. Finally I went to the window and looked
down and saw his car disappear down the road. I

169
the lights, and looked in the bathroom. There it
was on the sink where I had left it.
I turned to leave and that was when I saw Mr.
Philips's keys on his desk. I knew they were the
keys to the secret files, the files that held information
about each of us. Other kids were always
asking me if I had ever seen the files out while I
was working there. I never had.
My heart skipped a beat. I looked at the door
and back at those magical keys. It was close to
impossible for an orphan to learn about his or her biological past, at least until he or she turned
eighteen. All I had ever been told was that my
mother had been too sick to keep me and that I
had no father.
I had never done a dishonest thing in my life,
but this was different, I thought. This was not
stealing. This was merely taking something that
really belonged to me: knowledge about my own
past. Quietly, I closed the front door and then I
went to the desk, picked up the keys, and found
the one that would open the drawers containing :
the secret files. ^
Funny, how I stood there, afraid to touch the |
file that had my name on its tab. Was I afraid to |
break a nue or afraid to learn about myself? |
Finally, I got up enough nerve and pulled out my |
file. It was thicker than I had imagined it could |
be. I turned off the office lights so I wouldn't |
attract any attention and sat on the floor by the ^
bathroom with the door only slightly ajar. A this |
shaft of light escaped and provided enough illu
mination for me to read the pages.
The first few were filled with information I
already knew about myself: medical history,
school records; but the bottom stack of pages
opened the dark doors of my past and revealed
information that both surprised and frightened
me.' • . . ^ . . • ••• • • • " :
According to what I read, my mother, Aman-
da Perry, had been diagnosed as a manic depres
sive when she was only in her midteens. She was
institutionalized at seventeen after repeated ef
forts to commit suicide, once cutting her wrists
and twice trying to overdose with sleeping pills.
I read on and learned that while my mother
was in a mental facility, she was impregnated by
an attendant Apparently, they never knew
which attendant, so I realized that some degen
erate out there was my father, unless I wanted to
believe my mother and this attendant had the
most romantic and wonderful love affair be
tween her drug therapies, cold baths, and electric
shock treatments. .
Anyway, by the time they had realized my
mother was pregnant, someone made the official
decision not to abort me. After I was born»
obviously neither my paternal nor my maternal
grandparents wanted anything to do with me,
and Mr. Degenerate Attendant wasn't going to
come out and claim me,so I was immediately
made a ward of the state. My reports didn't say
who had named me Crystal. I like to think it was
the one and only thing my poor mother had been
able to give me. I had nothing else, not even the
slightest idea who I was, until I managed to
sneak into these files.
I saw a simple statement about my mother's
death at the age of twenty-two. Her last attempt
at taking her own life was a successful one. I
would never meet her, even years from now
when I was on my own.
I remember the revelations made my hands
shake and gave me a hollow feeling at the base of
my stomach. Would I inherit my mother's men
tal problems? Would I inherit my father's evil
ways? After I put the me back, locked up the
cabinet, returned the keys to the desk, and left, I
had to go right to the bathroom because I felt like
I had to throw up.
I managed to keep my supper down but
washed my face with ^Id water just to calm
myself. When I looked in the mirror then, I
studied myself, searching my eyes^ my mouth,
looking for some sign of evil. I felt like Dr. Jekyll
searching for a glimpse of Mr. Hyde. From that
day forward I've had nightmares about it. In.
them I see myself become mentally ill and so
sick that I would be put in some clinic and
locked away forever.
I suppose it was just natural that any psycholo
gist who knew my past would wonder if I shared
had read, I understood that my mother appar
ently acted out in school often and was a very
difficult student for all the teachers. She was
constantly in trouble. Fve never been like that,
but I recently read that this sort of behavior is
considered a call for help, just as attempting
suicide is.
With all these calls for help, the world seemed
like a great big ocean with many people drown
ing and lifeguards whimsically choosing to help
this one or that one. Naturally, the richer ones
always were saved or at least tossed a lifeline.
Those like me wereshoved into mental institu
tions, group foster homes, orphanages, and pris
ons. We were swept under the rug with so many
others. It made me wonder how anyone could
walk on it.
I never told anyone what I had learned, of
course, but I began to understand why it was that
few prospective parents ever showed interest in
me. They probably were given information
about my past and decided not to take a chance
on someone like me.
Once, when I was at a different orphanage, I
was sitting outside and reading The Diary of
Anne Frank. (I was always two or three reading
grade levels above other kids my age.) Suddenly,
I felt a shadow move over me and I looked up to
see a balloon drifting in the wind, the string
dangling like a tail. Some little boy orgiri had
loosened their grip and it had escaped. Now,
however, it drifted aimlessly, attached to no one,
doomed never to return to its owner. It .disap
peared over a rim of treetops and I thought,
that's what we're all like here, balloons that
someone released willingly or unwillingly, poor
souls lost and sailing into the wind, waiting and
hoping for another hand to take hold of us and
bring us back to earth.
Three more years went by without my being
adopted or given a foster home. I was still
helping Mr. Philips in his office, and about a year
ago, he started calling me Little Miss Efficiency.
I didn't mindit, even when he used me to rankle
his assistants. He's always said things like, "Why,
can't you be as responsible or as careful as
Crystal?" He even said that occasionally to his
secretary, Mrs. Mills.
Mrs. Mills always lookeA like she was drown
ing in carbon copies. Her fingers were usually
blue or black because of ribbons, ink cartridges,
toner she had to change. In the morning she
came to work looking as well put together as a
work of classical art, not a strand ofher blue-:
gray hair out of place» her makeup perfect, her
clothing clean and unwrinkled, but by the end of
the day, her bangs were always dangling overAer
eyes, her blouse usually had a smudge some
where on it, maybe two, and her lipstick had
somehow spread onto a cheek, and she had-
become a work of abstract art. I know she's one
person who never resented me. She wa& always!
happy to greet me and appreciated the work I
did, work she would probably have had to do
otherwise.
For someone my age, I know a lot about
human psychology. I got interested in it after I
read about my mother. Now I'm thinking I
might be a doctor someday, and anyway, it's
good to know as much as you can about psychol
ogy. It comes in handy, especially around or
phanages.
But it's not always an asset to be smarter than
other people or more responsible. This is espe
cially true for orphans. The more helpless you
seem, the better your chances are for being
adopted. If you look like you can tatee care of
yourself, who wants you? At least, that's-another
one of my theories for why I was a prisoner of
the system for as long as I -was. Prospective
adoption parents don't like feeling inferior to the
child they might adopt. I've seen it firsthand.
There was this couple who asked specifically
for me. They wanted a child who was older. The
woman whose name was Chastity had a silly
little grin on her face. Her husband called her
Chas and she called him Am, short for Arnold. I
suppose they would have ended up calling me
Crys. Completing words was difficult for them.
They had the same problem with sentences,
always leaving a part dangling, like when Chas
asked me, "What do you want to be when
you..."
"When I what?" I forced her to say.
"Get older. Graduate from ..."
"College or high school or the armed services
or secretarial school or computer training?" I
cataloged. I had taken an immediate dislike to
them. She giggled too much and he looked like
he wanted to be someplace else the moment he
walked into the room.
"Yes," she said, giggling.
"I suppose I want to be a doctor, but I might
want to be a writer. I'm not absolutely sure.
What do you want to be?" I asked her and she
batted her eyelashes with a smile of utter confu
sion.
"What?"
"When you..." I looked at Am and he
smirked.
Her smile wilted like a flower and gradually
evaporated completely. Her eyes were forbid
ding and soon filled with a nervous energy. I
couldn't count how many times she gazed long
ingly at the door.
They looked quite relieved when the interview
ended. I didn't have another interview until just
a week ago, but I was happy to met Thelma and
Kari Morris. Apparently, my background didn't
frighten them, nor did my being precocious-
annoy them* In fact, afterward, Mr. Philips told
me I was exactly what they wanted: an adoles
cent who promised to be no problem, who
wouldn't make a major demand on their lives,;
who had some independence, and who was in
good health.
Thelma seemed convinced that whatever
damage she believed I'd suffered as an orphan
would be corrected after a few weeks of life in
her and Karl's home. I loved her cockeyed
optimism. She was a small woman in her late
twenties with very curly light brown hair and
hazel eyes that were as bright and innocent as a
six-year-old's.
Karl was only a few inches taller, with thin
dark brown hair and dull browa eyes. He looked
much older, but was only in his early thirties. He
had a Soft, friendly smile that settled in his
pudgy face like berries in cream. He was stout.
His hands were small, but his fingers were thick.
He was an accountant and she said she was a
housewife, but they had long ago decided that
was a job too and she should be paid a salary for
it. She had even gotten raises when they had
good years. They couldn't stop talking about
themselves. It was as if they wanted to get out
their entire lives in one meeting.
The best thing I could say about them was that
there was absolutely nothing subtle, contrived,
or threatening about them. What you saw was
what you got. I liked that. It made me feel at
ease. At times during the interview, it was more
like I was there to decide if I would adopt them.
"Everything is just too serious here," Thelma
told me toward the end of our session. She
grimaced, folding her mouth into a disapproving
frown. "It's just too serious a place for a young
person to think of as any sort of home. I don't
hear any laughter. I don't see any smiles."
Then she suddenly grew very serious herself
and leaned toward me to whisper. "You don't
have a boyfriend yet, do you? I'd hate to break
up a budding romance."
"Hardly," I told her. "Most of the boys here
are quite immature." She liked that and was
immediately relieved.
"Good," she said, "then it's settled. You'll
come home with us and we'll never speak of
anything unpleasant again. We don't believe in
sadness—-if you don't think about the bad things
in life, you'll find they all just go away—you'll
see."
I should have known what that meant, but for
once in my short life, I decided to stop analyzing
everyone and just enjoy the company of some
one, especially someone who wanted to be my
mother.
Find
^C. Andrews*
ontheWebl
-^ ^ . .; ' at-- " : ' '
www^imonSays.com/vcandrews
where you can read
book excerpts,
find a listing of
future titles, and learn
more about the author!

Pocket Books

2364

All she wanted was to be someone's little giri....
Fate made her a lonely orphan, yearning for the
embrace of a real family and a loving home. But a
golden chance at a new life may not be enough to
escape the dark secrets other past...

don't MBS ANY OF THE FOUR NOVELS
IN THE orphan SERIES

Butterfly
Crystal
Brooke
Raven

all AVAILABLE FROM pocket booksi

* * only S3.99!

Read all the box
the Wildflowers
byVG.Andr^

Afisf^
- - - 1 .- ;'i~K
Star^
Jade
~ ' .. -'.' -/ .:.''

Cat ^

Pocket Books "

V.C. ANDREWS®
THE BESTSELLING SERIES OF NOVELS
THAT HAVE CAPTIVATED
MILLIONS OF READERS
AROUND THE WORLD!

Look for the Spellbinding Casteel Series:
^AVEN DARKANGEL FALLEN HEARTS
^ATES OF PARADISE WEB OF DREAMS

| the Shocking Story of the Dollanganger Family:
FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC
PETALS ON THE WIND
IF THERE BE THORNS
SEEDS OF YESTERDAY
GARDEN OF SHADOWS

Don't Miss the Haunting Tale of:
MY SWEET A UDRINA

I And die Dazzling Cuder Family Series:
pawn SECRETS OF THE MORNING
| TWILIGHTS CHILD.
pNIGHT WHISPERS DARKEST HOUR

J"cr die Enthralling World of the Landry Series:
J RUBY PEARL IN THE MIST
I, ALL THAT GLITTERS
fpDDEN JEWEL TARNISHED GOLD

ie Exciting Series Starring the Logan Family:
. MELODY HEART SONG
f UNFINISHED SYMPHONY
MUSIC IN THE NIGHT