McSWEENEY'S 
MAMMOTH
TREASURY OF
THRILLING
TALES

EDITED BY MICHAEL CHABON
ILLUSTRATIONS BY HOWARD CHAYKIN

VINTAGE   BOOKS
A  DIVISION  OF  RANDOM  HOUSE,  INC. NEW  YORK
First Vintage Books Edition, February 2003 Copyright © 2002 by McSweeney's Publishing
"Goodbye to All That" copyright © 2002 by The Kilimanjaro Corporation
Illustration for "Goodbye to All That" copyright © 2002 by Kent Bash
Other interior illustrations copyright © 2002 by Howard Chaykin
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright
Conventions. Published in the United States by Vintage Books, a division
of Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by
Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.
This collection was also published in slightly different form as Issue #10, No. 1, Winter 2002-3, McSweeney's Quarterly, San Francisco.
Vintage and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
McSweeney's mammoth treasury of thrilling tales / edited by Michael Chabon.- 1st Vintage Books ed.
p.    cm. Simultaneously published as McSweeney's, issue 10, winter 2002-3, no. 1.
ISBN 1-4000-3339-X (trade pbk.) 1. Short stories, American. I. Chabon, Michael. II. McSweeney's.
PS648.S5M39 2003
813'.0108-dc21	2002192265
www.vintagebooks.com
Cover illustration originally appeared on the cover of the October 1940
issue of Red Star Mystery Magazine and is used with the permission of
Keith Alan Deutsch and Argosy Communications, Inc., the approval
of the Estate of H.J. Ward, and the assistance of Joel Frieman.
Artwork reproduction materials courtesy of CAPE Publishing.
Printed in the United States of America 10    98765432
The Editor's Notebook
A Confidential Chat with the Editor
For the last year or so I have been boring my friends, and not a few strangers, with a semi-coherent, ill-reasoned, and doubtless mistaken rant on the subject of the American short story as it is currently written.
The rant goes something like this (actually this is the first time I have so formulated it): Imagine that, sometime about 1950, it had been decided, collectively, informally, a little at a time, but with finality, to proscribe every kind of novel from the canon of the future but the nurse romance. Not merely from the critical canon, but from the store racks and library shelves as well. Nobody could be paid, published, lionized, or cherished among the gods of literature for writing any kind of fiction other than nurse romances. Now, because of my faith and pride in the diverse and rigorous brilliance of American writers of the last half-century, I do believe that from this bizarre decision, in this theoretical America, a dozen or more authentic masterpieces would have emerged. Thomas Pynchon's Blitz Nurse, for example, and Cynthia Ozick's Ruth Puttermesser, R.N. One imagines, however, that this particular genre-that any genre, even one far less circumscribed in its elements and possibilities than the nurse romance-would have paled somewhat by the year 2002. Over the last year in that oddly diminished world, somebody, somewhere, would be laying down Michael Chabon's Dr. Kavalier and Nurse Clay with a weary sigh and crying out, "Surely, oh, surely there must be more to the novel than this!"
Instead of "the novel" and "the nurse romance," try this little Gedankenexperiment with "jazz" and "the bossa nova," or with "cinema" and "fish-out-of-water comedies." Now, go ahead and try it with "short fiction" and "the contemporary, quotidian, plotless, moment -of-truth revelatory story."
Suddenly you find yourself sitting right back in your very own universe.
Okay, I confess. I am that bored reader, in that circumscribed world, laying aside his book with a sigh; only the book is my own, and it is filled with my own short stories, plotless and sparkling with epiphanic dew. It was in large part a result of a crisis-a word much beloved of tedious ranteurs-in my own attitude toward my work in the short story form that sent me back into the stream of alternate time, back to the world as it was before we all made that fateful and perverse decision.
As late as about 1950, if I referred to "short fiction," I might have been talking about any one of the following kinds of stories: the ghost story; the horror story; the detective story; the story of suspense, terror, fantasy, or the macabre; the sea, adventure, spy, war, or historical story; the romance story. Stories, in other words, with plots. A glance at any dusty paperback anthology of classic tales proves the truth of this assertion, but more startling are the names of the authors of these ripping yarns: Poe, Balzac, Wharton, James, Conrad, Graves, Maugham, Faulkner, Twain, Cheever, Coppard. Heavyweights all, some considered among the giants of modernism, source of the moment-of-truth story that, like homo sapiens, appeared relatively late on the scene but has worked very quickly to wipe out all its rivals. Short fiction, in all its rich variety, was published not only by the pulps, which gave us Hammett, Chandler, and Lovecraft among a very few other writers now enshrined more or less safely in the canon, but also in the great slick magazines of the time: The Saturday Evening Post, Collier's, Liberty, and even The New Yorker, that proud bastion of the moment-of-truth story that has only recently, and not without controversy, made room in its august confines for the likes of the Last Master of the Plotted Short Story, Stephen King. Very often these stories contained enough plot and color to support an entire feature-length Hollywood adaptation. Adapted for film and radio, some of them, like "The Monkey's Paw," "Rain," "The Most Dangerous Game," and "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge," have been imitated and parodied and have had their atoms scattered in the general stream of the national imagination and the public domain.
About six months ago, I was going on in this vein to Mr. Eggers, the publisher of this magazine, saying things like, "Actually, Dave, horror stories are all psychology," and "All short stories, in other words, are ghost stories, accounts of visitations and reckonings with the traces of the past." Emboldened by the fact that he had not completely succumbed to unconsciousness, I went on to say that it was my greatest dream in life (other than hearing Kansas's "Dust in the Wind" performed by a mariachi orchestra) someday to publish a magazine of my own, one that would revive the lost genres of short fiction, a tradition I saw as one of great writers writing great short stories. I would publish works both by "non-genre" writers who, like me, found themselves chafing under the strictures of the Ban, and by recognized masters of the genre novel who, fifty years ago, would have regularly worked and published in the short story form but who now have no wide or ready market for shorter work. And I would toss in a serialized novel, too, carrying the tradition all the way back to the days of The Strand and Argosy. I would-
"If I let you guest-edit an issue of McSweeney's," said Mr. Eggers, "can we please stop talking about this?"
The McSweeney's Mammoth Treasury of Thrilling Tales is the result of this noble gesture. Whether the experiment has been a success, I leave to the reader to judge. I will say, however, that while they were working on their stories, a number of the writers found within these covers reported to me, via giddy e-mails, that they had forgotten how much fun writing a short story could be. I think that we have forgotten how much fun reading a short story can be, and I hope that if nothing else, this treasury goes some small distance toward reminding us of that lost but fundamental truth.
-Michael Chabon

All Stories Original and Complete!
TEDFORD AND THE MEGALODON	by Jim Shepard	13
He went in search of a relic of earth's past, and came face-to-face with the mortal specter of his own!
THE TEARS OF SQUONK. AND WHAT HAPPENED THEREAFTER
	by Glen David Gold	31
Revenge is a sport best played by those whose memories are long-and that made her a dangerous foe, indeed.
THE BEES	by Dan Chaon	53
No hellhound hunts a man more implacably than the memory of the son he once abandoned.
CATSKIN	by Kelly Link	73
The witch had made her children what they were-literally. But when her blood cried for revenge, only one had the wit and courage to undo her murderer.
HOW CARLOS WEBSTER CHANGED HIS NAME TO CARL AND BECAME A
FAMOUS OKLAHOMA LAWMAN	by Elmore Leonard	IO1
The fate of a bank-robbing murderer resided in two scoops of peach ice cream on top of a sugar cone.
THE GENERAL	by Carol Emshwiller .. 125
They had conquered his people, then raised him as one of their own. How far would they be willing to go to destroy their own creation?
CLOSING TIME	by Neil Gaiman	143
It was in the nature of boys to get into trouble. But sometimes you had to knock.

OTHERWISE PANDEMONIUM	by Nick Hornby	155
It was just a lousy secondhand VCR-but it brought him to the very brink of love and desolation!
THE TALE OF GRAY DICK	by Stephen King	173
They had looked everywhere for protection from their most devastating foe-except to the murderous know-how of their old wives' tales.
BLOOD DOESN'T COME OUT	by Michael Crichton... 191
A man can only be pushed so far-especially when his mother is the one pushing.
WEAVING THE DARK	by Laurie King	2O2
As the darkness gathered around her, she embarked upon the greatest adventure of her life-in her own backyard.
CHUCK'S BUCKET	by Chris Offtutt	221
Sometimes a man makes such a hash of his life that his only recourse is to bend the temporal fabric of reality itself!
UP THE MOUNTAIN COMING DOWN SLOWLY.. by Dave Eggers	237
How much were they willing to sacrifice to prove an uncertain point, to no one in particular, about a mountain that none of them could begin to understand?
THE CASE OF THE NAZI CANARY	by Michael Moorcock . 285
The Nazis entrusted the future of their party to the capable hands of Sir Seaton Begg, Metatemporal Detective-the only man who could possibly destroy them!
THE CASE OF THE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS	by Aimee Bender	331
The murdered couple was matched as perfectly as the salt and pepper shakers they collected. But the murderer of their passion for each other was the greatest mystery of all.
GHOST DANCE	by Sherman Alexie	311
The Cheyenne woman came to him in a dream, with death in her kiss. But the nightmarish Seventh Cavalry came in waking life-with a taste for human flesh.
GOODBYE TO ALL THAT	by Harlan Ellison	351
At the end of a grand adventure, the answer to all the riddles of existence-with fries and a large Coke.
PRIVATE GRAVE 9	by Karen Joy Fowler . 365
The mummy's eyes gazed out of the ancient past. .. and into the depths of his soul!
THE ALBERTINE NOTES	by Riek Moody	38O
Albertine, solace of a city in ruins. Any memory you wanted, anytime you wanted it. All for the low, low price of-history itself.
THE MARTIAN AGENT. A PLANETARY ROMANCE	by Michael Chabon ... 447
They were the sons of an imperial traitor, marked for life. Their only honor lay in their loyalty to each other. Their sole chance for salvation lay in the empire of the clouds.