Commitments
by
BARBARA DELINSKY


`;07.' By the same author
Twilight Whispers Heart of the Night
BARBARA DELINSKY
Commitments
v v .- -I"
To Steve, Eric, Andrew and Jeremy - always.
This edition published 1995 by Diamond Books
77-85 Fulham Palace Road Hammersmith, London W6 8JB
Published by Grafton Books in 1990 by arrangement with Warner Books, Inc., New York

The Author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
ISBN: 0- 261667114
Set in Trump Mediaeval
Printed in Great Britain
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopyin& recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being unposed on the subsequent purchaser
Prologue.

Derek Mcgill wasn't a man to waver. Once he set his mind to something,
he saw it through. The industry knew him to be dogged and shrew,
self-righteous, even bull-headed when an issue hit him hard. Unanswered
phone calls and untold runarounds, veiled hostility and unveiled threats
- all were part of the game. He was used to them; they never stalled him
long. , Yet, on the threshold of the rooftop patio, he paused. Granted,
the rooms he'd passed through were posh, but held seen more lavish rooms
in his day. The patio itself, an oasis high above the concrete maze of
Manhattan, was. idyllic, but he'd seen his share of makeshift Edens, too.

His hesitation didn't come from the luxury of the Fifth Avenue
-apartment or the greenery of its terrace. Rather, he was drawn up short
by the woman standing with her back to him not far from the waist-high
brick wall which lined the terrace. She was of medium height and
slender. A soft whiteblouse cascaded gently from her shoulders,
overlapping an equally lightweight gauze skirt that -veiled her in lilac
from hip to mid-calf . Barefoot and oblivious to his arrival, she swayed
ever so slowly from side to side. The late afternoon sun, tripping over
the treetops of Central Park, gilded her blond hair and that of the
small child she held in her arms, her head resting on his. He wasn't
sure what he'd expected - not that held had an awful lot of time to
dwell on it, given his schedule, But he supposed he'd assumed this woman
to be a slick city type surrounded by defenses as heavy as her Giorgio.

He'd been wrong. She was younger than he'd expected for one thing, and
there was nothing slick about her. As for defenses, his radar couldn't
detect any. He almost felt as though he should have brought some along
for her use. There was something awe-inspiring about Sabrina Stone as
she stood in her private garden high above the city. He found himself
thinking of the Madonna. With her hair loosely caught into a short, high
ponytail from which stray tendrils had escaped to graze her cheeks and
neck, she looked utterly unpretentious. He conjured up images of purity
and goodness, both incongruous with the world around her as he knew it.

Her husband was a high roller in the game of investment banking. She
herself was from a wildly successful literary family. Still, she seemed
the personification of innocence, a flower child lost and alone,
clinging to the one thing she cherished above all else in life. She
seemed serene. Perhaps that was what, more than anything, brought Derek
to a standstill. He knew that she couldn't truly be serene, given her
lot in life. Yet, the picture she presented was that, and he envied it.

His own life was a rat race, a nonstop quest for the story to top all
others. If he wasn't on the phone with sources or haggling with
producers or assistant producers or researchers for information he
needed yesterday, he was justifying his position with management or
hustling for a final scoop in an eleventh-hour rush to meet the cameras.

The sight of Sabrina Stone made him pause, take a deep breath, and
release it slowly and with something surprisingly akin to relief. Over
the dim clang and whir of traffic that drifted from far below, he caught
bits and fragments of a tune. She was humming a song as she rocked the
child. He couldn't identify it, but it didn't matter. The effect was the
same, a tableau of warmth and love that touched him in strange
unexpected ways. He was an intruder. He knew that, but he couldn't have
left if he tried, and he wouldn't have tried for the world. Having set
eyes on her, his curiosity was piqued. He reminded himself that this was
just another story, but deep down inside, he suspected more complex
forces drew him forward. His shoes made a muted tap on the marble tiles
as he crossed the terrace, but she seemed not to hear. Lost in that tiny
world encompassing her baby and her, she neither looked up nor turned.

When he was within reaching distance, he stopped. '. Stone?' Her head
flew around then, eyes wide and startled. ''m sorry/ he said with an
odd gentleness, ' didn't mean to frighten you.' For a minute she said
nothin& simply looked at him, studying his eyes as though they could
tell her what she wanted or needed to know. ' are you? I she said at
last. ' Mcgill." She continued to study him. One of her brows
lowered for the briefest instant in a frown she quickly mastered. '
does that sound familiar?' ''m a reporter with Outside Insight. You may
have seen some of my work.' She lowered her chin to the child's head,
and he could have sworn that her arms tightened fractionally. Both
gestures suggested protectiveness. He could understand that. ' did
you get in? I Her voice held wariness, while her eyes held his. Their
hold was strong. He'd never seen eyes quite like them, though he doubted
it had as much to do with their pale green coloring as with the blend of
emotions they betrayed. Among other things, he saw fear; and while he'd
have been delighted to see that if he were confronting a bureaucrat with
allegations of corruption, he regretted seeing it in Sabrina Stone. So
he said without pride, ' tagged along with three fellows who were
visiting one of the other apartments. That took care of the doorman.

Your maid was satisfied when I said that we were old friends and you
were expecting me.' ' wasn't true.' ' know. But I wanted to speak
with you. I've tried to call several times. Your husband is protective
of your privacy.' ''ve spoken with him?' Derek caught sight of a
small, almost imperceptible tic in the delicate skin beneath her left
eye. It was the kind that came from being overtired,, or overwrought. He
suspected that with Sabrina it was the latter. ' haven't spoken with
him directly. He never returned my calls, but eventually he left a
message that if I tried to reach him again, he'd call the president of
the network., A flicker of hardness passed through her eyes, and she
nodded. Derek gave a lopsided smile. ''d do that?, '.' She paused.

The hardness was gone, replaced by a hint of a plea, though her voice
was as soft and controlled as ever. ' do you want?' ' to talk."
His gaze dropped to the child's curls. As he viewed them closer now and
from a different 10 angle,- he could see that they were more light brown
than blond. ' he sleeping? I he asked, leaning sideways to see the
child's face. One view gave him his answer. The child's large brown eyes
were wide open, focused on nothing at all., Derek had seen many a
tragedy in the course of his work. He'd viewed grossly deformed bum
victims, pathetically spindly victims of malnutrition, severely maimed
victims of war - and still he'd managed to keep a certain distance
between him and his subjects. But the sight of this child, with
baby-fine hair the color of pecans, a button nose, tiny lips and pale,
butter-soft skin, wrenched at his heart. ''s beautiful/he whispered.

"Yes/ she said. Derek looked up to catch the sadness in her eyes. '
old is he?' ' months.' ' nam e?1 '.' After his
father. Derek should have guessed that. Nicholas Stone had never been
known for either modesty or understatement. The man was a winner; he was
of the breed that coupled smarts with a determination to make every
venture successful. Derek couldn't help but wonder how the min viewed
his son, whether what he'd assumed to be protectiveness had in fact been
embarrassment or shame. If so, -his heart went out to the woman before
him. His research said that parents of the brain-damaged suffered
unimagined trials, and, up close, her face bore testimony to that. Faint
smudges were visible beneath her eyes. Strain had traced tiny grooves by
the sides of her mouth. And though her skin looked nearly as I I smooth
and soft as the babels, its pallor seemed that much more unnatural. , In
spite of it all, Derek thought she was beautiful. It was as if her
beauty shone from within. It was absurd, he realized, because he didn't
know her for beans. But she touched him, made him ache a little. That
hadn't happened to him in a very long time. ''m not sure why you're
here, Mr. Mcgill/ she said softly. They both knew she hed. Behind the
pale green of her eyes - those telling eyes - was a glimmer of
challenge. ''d like your help/he replied. When she didn't blink, he
went on. ''m doing a story on special children and their families -
their needs, available medical resources or the lack thereof, the
paucity of help, both physical and emotional.' She shifted the child, a
small bundle of dead weight, and, bracing one arm under his bottom,
slanted the other across his back like a shield. Opening one hand over
the glossy curls, she pressed the child's head to her heart. And said
nothing. In that instant, Derek wavered. it wasn't that Sabrina Stone
threatened him physically, and he certainly hadn't been put off by her
husband's harsh words or he'd never have found his way to her terrace.

But there was strength in the woman who stood before him, a strength
that gave him pause. For a split second he felt unsure of who he was and
what he was doing. His job was to ferret out the facts, not exacerbate
them, but he had the distinct feeling that his involving Sabrina in his
story would compound her troubles. He assumed it had something to do
with. her husband. The man had sent him a clearly hostile message. There
was nothing hostile about Sabrina, though. She 12 was cautious, as she
should be. Her eyes, an emotional kaleidoscope, spoke of sadness,
confusion and helplesshess in turn. But he also saw in them strength. 11
was told that you've had a difficult time.' A look of hurt entered her
eyes. ' told you that?' Knowing that he couldn't answer her question,
but needing to erase that look of betrayal, he rushed on. ' doesn't
matter. What does matter is that, theoretically, you and your husband
are in a position to mobilize the best of resources. Few of the people
I've spoken to are. Many don't recognize the handicap early on, others
refuse to admit it. And then, even beyond the mon-etary demands, they
don't know where to turn.' I Sabrina tore her gaze from his and aimed
it out over the park. When the baby gave a sudden weak wail, she put her
mouth to his forehead, -cooed softly and resumed her gentle rocking. He
quieted almost instantly. Derek smiled. ' knows a good thing, doesn't
he?' ''m not sure what he knows, Mr. Mcgill.' It wasn't an admission,
exactly. The most precocious of sixteen-month-olds was still a creature
of sensation, an entity whose brain workings were vague. But it wasn't a
denial, either, and that was what Derek homed in on. ' long have you
known that he was differentv he asked with that same gentleness he'd
felt earlier, the one that was as unfamiliar to his ears as it was to
his heart. ' child is different. Each has its own strengths and
weaknesses.' ' are Nicholas' strengths?' She thought about that for
a minute, and when she looked at Derek again, her eyes were misty. '
has a heartrending smile and a great potential for love.' 13 Invisible
fingers squeezed Derek's heart. ' he. get those from his mother?"
She blinked, pressed her lips together and seemed to marshal her
composure. ' try.' ' the smiles come harder these days?' '.' '
you tell me about it?' She took a shaky breath, then slowly shook her
head. ' not?' ' things are private.' ' things benefit from
sharing.' Lowering her head, she caressed the baby's brow with her
cheek. The silence went on for such a long time that Derek was beginning
to wonder whether he was being tuned out as a prelude to being asked to
leave; then she spoke again. ' has problems. The world is full
of frustration and heartache. Some people find solace in sharing.' She
hesitated, and her-voice lowered. ' deal with things on their
own., ' that what you want to dor ''s what I have to do., '? If I
can shed light on the extent of the frustration and heartache, perhaps
something will come of it.' ' doubt that/ she murmured, and for the
first time, there was an element of defeat in her voice. ' is an
inexact science. Doctors aren't miracle workers. No amount of light shed
on the problem will change the fact that brain damage can't be
reversed.' ', but it can aid in the coping.' She looked at him then,
her eyes touched by cunosity. ' that how you justify your work?' ''s
one of the ways.' 14 ''re a reporter, not a politician or a
therapist.' '.' ' you really helped people?' 11 like to think
it. There are times when we've been able to publicize a problem so much
that the forcesthat-be had to sit up and take notice.' Her lips seemed
to relax into the beginning of a smile. It was a sweet beginning, and it
surprised Derek. She had every right to be bitter-pr cynical, yet she
wasn't. Goodness. He thought it again. Again he was touched. ' me
with one of your stories/ she invited softly. He sifted through -the
files in his mind. It was a large collection, comprising reports he'd
done not only for Outside Insight, but for the various news programs
with which he'd been involved prior to that. ' year I did a piece on
the job discrimination faced by cancer patients. I interviewed dozens of
people who, as soon as they were diagnosed as having cancer, were denied
jobs or opportunities for advancement. many of those people had been
treated successfully for their illness, yet still they were regarded as
futureless. As a result of awareness generated by the report, a group of
patients got together'and filed a class-action suit charging a violation
-of their First Amendment rights., Raising her brows, Sabrina gave a
thoughtful nod of approval. She was quiet for a short time as she
continued to rock the baby. Then she asked, ' you know that I'm a
writer?' ' know that you come from a family of writers.' Her lips
twitched. '.' Derek wondered at the momentary am, usement he saw in
her eyes. It softened her features and became 15 her nicely. ' you
into Westerns, like your dad? I he teased. She shook her head. '
sci-fi, like mom, nor horror, like J.B. I'm the black sheep of the
family. My field is nonfiction. I've written mostly for magazines, but
the one thing I'm most proud of never made it into print.' ' was
thatv Derek asked. She didn't answer at first, but seemed to be
searching his eyes - much as she'd done when he first arrived. He wasn't
sure if she could -see the fascination he felt; but as he watched, he
saw a certain calmness take her. ' was the story of the wife of a
prominent businessman who was convicted of the rape and murder of his
mistress. I was interested in exploring the wife's feelings, but when it
came time to submit the story to a publisher, I couldn't get myself to
do it. The poor woman had suffered enough. Her name and that of her
children had been dragged through the mud. The last thing they needed
was additional exposure, when they were trying to keep a low enough
profile to rebuild their lives.' ''t you have vindicated her?' '
couldn't change the fact that she'd been married to a sick man, any more
than I could change the fact that her children were flesh of his flesh."
"You could have established them as innocent victims.' ' could have."
"And others would have found the story interesting.' ' would the
exploitation have been worth it? They'd moved to a new home in a new
state. In the name of human interest, I'd have branded them all over
again.' Tucking his hands in the pockets of his slacks, 16 rderek
dropped his gaze to the large marble tiles. They ' variegated in
shades of dark green, an urban version of a mossy forest floor. Atop
their shiny finish, Sabrina's feet looked slender and graceful. With the
slightest shift of his own foot, the hard leather soles of his loafers
would bruise her. The analogy wasn't lost on him. He felt rough,
@,`-*Imost uncouth beside Sabrina. He didn't feel that way with others,
but others didn't r-()nvey the kind of di gnified fragility she did.

Strength and all, she was fragile. She pricked his conscience.

Hesitantly raising his eyes, he asked, ' you feel that I'm trying to
exploit you?' ' are you here?' she countered, curious rather than
impertinent. ''d have thought that the face before the camera did
little of the groundwork.' ' incapable of doing the groundwork?' '.

Too busy.' He shook his head. ' stories are mine. I do -them because
they interest me. I have people doing other kinds of legwork, but I like
to interview the principals myself.' ' won't be one of your
principals.' ''m not trying to exploit you.' ''s a fine line -
"I'm not. I ' intentions may be honorable, but the fact is that any
story you do will be broadcast from coast to coast. That won't do much
for the low profile we try to keep.' ' may do some good for others in
your position.' She gave a sad laugh. ' about now, charity isn't
high on my list of priorities. I have my hands more than full trying to
cope with ... cope with ...'Though her voice trailed off, her eyes
continued to speak. 1 17 And Derek, who'd done his homework well, heard
every word. She was trying to cope with endless days of constant child
care, with one useless doctor's appointment after another, with the
total disruption of what would, given her husband's standing, have been
a socially active life. And through it all were worry and unsureness,
questions without answers, a future in doubt. He steeled himself to
press his bid, but it was hard, because her eyes held that pleading
again. Then a beeping sound broke into his concentration. His watch.

He'd set it to remind himself of a later appointment. He stabbed at the
button in annoyance, asking himself why he'd set the alarm, knowing that
it was his standard practice, wondering if it was crude. '/ he
muttered and took a minute to get over his confusion. Then he asked, '
you still write?' Her smile was sad this time, and she pressed a soft
kiss to the baby's head before she spoke. ' don't have the time, much
less the psychic energy.' ' it would be an outlet.', ' that
what your work is for you?' ''s my vocation.' ' is it an outlet,
too?, she asked. ' creative energy, yes.' He lowered his head and
thought for a minute. ' nervous energy too, I suppose.' Tilhat makes
you nervous?' He knew that he should be turning the questions around. He
was the interviewer, and there was the business of maintaining a
professional facade. But the facade seemed suddenly artificial, and
Sabrina's clear gaze demanded better. ' life/ he answered. ' I'm
going. What I want.' 18 y should those things make you nervous?' se I'm
not always sure where I'll end up and ecau er that'll be where I want to
be.' ere do you want to be?' don't know!' he said. Then, hearing his own
'd" ft6stration, ran a handful of fingers through his dark and forced a
dry chuckle. You re nearing the fu ar. ' you seem so ...
confident. Given your position, I'd have thought that you'd be on top of
the world.' She seemed genuinely interested, not to mention momentarily
distracted from her own woes - which __,'was why, when she asked if he
was married, he answered. '. No time.' He gave a crooked n.

"Like your gri writing. f, l ''s a difference. I don't have a
choice.' '/ he said gently but pointedly, ' what I wanted to
explore.' She closed her eyes briefly, then sighed, then shifted the
child again. It occurred to Derek that the baby had to be heavy. ' I
hold him?'he asked, offering his arms. Sabrina seemed genuinely
surprised. He wondered if no one else offered to help her with the work.

He couldn't believe that she shouldered it all herself, couldn't believe
that her husband didn't take his turn. Then again ... Very carefully,
she transferred the child to his arms, and he knew a moment's panic.

"Tell me what to do/ he whispered with an urgency that brought a soft
smile to her face. ''m not much good with kids.' But as the baby
collapsed against him, his long arms very naturally found a hold. 19
"Nicky doesn't demand much/ she said. ' warm body. A heartbeat.' A warm
body. A heartbeat. Raising the child higher against his chest and
securing him comfortably, Derek lowered his cheek to the soft waves and
took in a long, deep, slightly uneven breath. A warm body. A heartbeat.

Why did it feel so good to hold the child? Was it his baby-sweet smell,
or that light, lingering one of his mother? Was it the sheer specialness
of him? The total helplessness? Or was it a need in Derek for something
warm and alive and personal? If Nicky was aware of the change of hands,
he didn't make a peep. Derek told himself that he had to be doing
something right. He knew that something felt right. Right, and deep, and
natural. When he turned his head back to Sabrina, he found her watching
him intently. He couldn't speak, because that would have been to
interrupt what she was saying and he wanted to hear. Thank you for
accepting him. Most people don't, and it's going to get worse. But I
love him dearly. And I'm trying to do what's right. Dear God, I'm
trying. So eloquent without a single word. He nearly melted beneath the
softness of her touch. With a hard swallow that was clearly visible, she
turned her face to the park. He wondered what she was thinkin& whether
she wished she were a bird and could fly freely. She raised one hand
absently to massage her shoulder. Then, with the abruptness of sudden
remembrance, she glanced down at her watch. ''d better leave/ she
murmured as she reached for the child. ' husband is due home soon."
Derek held the baby a minute longer, peering down at his vacant
expression, feeling a great sadness. When he transferred the limp bundle
back to its mother, he 20 @.'Jit the back of his hand linger on the
child's soft, silky "hair. "He's very special/ he said. She nodded.

Derek met her gaze. He wanted to ask whether she'd .'Ahink about doing
the story, but he knew better. She had her mind made up. He could cajole
and badger and Jqbby with every bit of the skill he'd honed over the
years, but he doubted she'd yield. -And, in a sense, he was glad. He
almost felt as though Sabrina and her baby were his secret. He didn't
want them spoiled. He wanted to remember them always as they'd been in
heir rooftop garden. Quiet. Gentle. Very social, both @-6f them. Tucking
the memories in a special spot in his mind, saw himself to the door. 21
Chapter 1.

i in ersville wasn't quite what she'd expected. R s g e woods
of Berkshire County, the main buildas attractive in an old New England
kind of way. e fa de was three stories' worth of aged brick; the ast s
te roof was broken by dormers and turrets. Had ere been ivy climbing the
walls, it might have been en for a rural college. :'But there was no
ivy, and the effect was further ed by the guard towers that stood
prominently at i er side. ontrolling her apprehension with an act of
will, brina drew her cashmere topcoat higher on her neck crunching
on the snow-crusted walk, adv ced toward the steps. Once up and
through a pair of ocuous-looking oak doors, she found herself ronted
by a trio of prison personnel who looked any ing but innocuous in
their starched khaki unie, forms and stem expressions. The three were
safely _Aji@,@, ensconced in a cubicle behind layers of bullet-proof
glass. Approaching the cubicle, she leaned toward its mouthpiece. Again
in a conscious act, she projected a voice that sounded steady. ' name
is Sabrina Stone. I'm here to see Derek Mcgill.' The guard nearest the
speaker studied her. He wasn't a young man, and there was, no hint of a
leer in his comprehensive gaze. He studied her coolly and clinically,
then asked at last in an authoritative, emotionless voice, ' he
expecting you?' '.' The guard to his right began to flip through
the pages of a large loose-leaf notebook. He said something to the first
guard, who repeated into the mouthpiece, ' Stone?' '.' '
you a relative?' She shook her head. '?' '.' '
associate? Media?' ' a friend, I she said. The second guard reached
the page he sought. Sabrina watched him draw a slow finger down its
length, pause once, then again before going on, then speak to the first
guard, who announced, ''re not on his visitors list.' She hadn't
known of a visitors list. In fact she knew nothing whatsoever of prison
protocol save what the visiting hours were - and that- she learned
through the call she'd made from a pay phone earlier that day. Visiting
Derek had been on impulse. She'd thought about him often in the eighteen
months since held appeared on her terrace, but she hadn't envisioned
having the opportunity, much less the guts, to seek him out - until she
left New York the day before. ' that mean I can't see him?' she
asked, nervously fingering the leather strap of her shoulder bag. '
means we have to check.' The guard tossed his chin toward a long wooden
bench behind and to Sabrina's right. ' down. We'll let you know."
Sabrina envisioned a review of her character that would take hours. '
I have ... time is limited. I have to be back in New York tonight.' The
guard let the firm set of his mouth speak for directed
another, more pointed glance at the which was the last thing of creating
a stir, wanted to do, she had no choice but to obey. she sat and watched
and waited, all the while trying t e h butterflies in her stomach.

Sitting was uncomfortable. The bench was hard, and .::, .@*,tween the
drive from New York to Vermont the day d .. Wore, and Vermont to
Massachusetts today, she'd , sitting far more than usual. Her bottom
ached. Watching was discouraging. The building lost its once she'd
passed through its doors, and the steady scrutiny of the guards was
unnerving. Several #her visitors straggled in after her, each was ques
"U"T" ..,"',ed briefly, then allowed to pass through each of @%A-iee
sets of bars. She forced the image of the bars her mind and tried to do
the same for the visitors. @,-,There was a similarity to them, a coarse,
downtrodden which said something about the men they visited k
@,"'i.,7-Dere's current companions - which gave her a chill. -1@"."j So
she dropped her eyes to her lap and focused on , e suede skirt she'd
worn for warmth, on the hand- ' leather of her hip-hugging belt and
the gentle -",I,*,-ds of the oversized sweater it cinched. She studied
pr neatly filed nails and her Floientined wedding band These the stylish
gold watch that circled her wrist. s were her link to another, more
genteel world, ",and looking at them, she could almost block out her
present suff oundings. The waiting was the worst. if sitting was
uncomfortable and watching discouraging, waiting was a torjj;,%ment.

Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes - each minute meant time to
think, and thinking about ,. what she was doing made her uneasy.

Impulsive Al'y", decisions were just fine as long as they could be
carried out on the wave of the impulse. Having to wait, having to
think diluted the impulsiveness and allowed the slow insurgence of
reason. She should have driven straight back to New York. Her son would
be needing her. Her husband would be furious that she'd left Nicky at
all. And if Nicholas knew that she'd stopped to see Derek, his fury
would know no bounds. She had so many doubts. About this. About
everything. It seemed that lately doubts were all she had. '
Stonev Her head jerked up, eyes flying to the guard box. Seconds later,
she was on her feet, being gestured toward the first of the bars to the
left of the cubicle. The lock clicked loudly. As she'd seen the others
do before her, she pushed, letting herself into the first of two caged
areas. The door closed and locked behind her as she focused on a flurry
of instructions from the guard. Through a window at that side of the
guard box, her shoulder bag was searched. She removed her topcoat; it,
too, was searched. A second lock clicked loudly. At the waggle of the
guard's finger, she entered the second compartment. This time she was
asked to step into a side room, where she was thoroughly frisked. Once
through the third and final set of bars, she was escorted down a
corridor, up a flight of stairs, down another corridor. Institutional
was the most generous word she could find to describe her surroundings.

The halls were painted the same bland gray-green that she'd seen in far
too many hospitals of late. The look was antiseptic, and the smell would
have been, too, had not the odor of dubious cafeteria cooking wafted
through the halls. And then there were the sounds - the clanging of
bars, bail*ng of steel, distant shouts, not-so-distant The overall
effect was one of an echo chamber - @,.@@ttling and endless. passing
through another barred door, she was ,@@"Yered into the visiting room.

It was a large room, bright and very hot. Grateful that she'd already
her coat, she searched the faces in the room. were half a dozen men in
standard-issue denims their guests, all seated in straight-backed wooden
that were scattered randomly around the room. li. ow s were scattered
less randomly, so that no was more than nine or ten feet from reach.

-::@@:.,..Ihere was no sign of Derek. unsure of what to do, but feeling
distinctly awka af having been abandoned by her escort just rd ter the
door, Sabrina crossed to a pair of chairs t was removed from the others.

She sank into one, d her coat across her lap and set to studying the
Wdes on her palm caused by her tight grip on her Moments later, a door
opened on the far side of the Sh looked up. Her heartbeat tripped, then
sped. m e bts crowded in, but the deed was done. She was d Derek had
arrived. it was too late to do an g a bout the impulse that had brought
her vited to his ghastly world. He stood inside the door staring at
her. Unable to 1,--,@'help herself, she stared right back. She was
stunned ' a little frightened. He looked so different. Gone were the
tailored blazer, the trim slacks, the 1f, polished loafers. He wore a
blue workshirt, jeans and I 46'@ worn running shoes. A nondescript
jacket was hooked a finger over his shoulder. His dark hair was longer
slightly shaggy. His face seemed leaner, as did his is. She'd have
thought that he'd lost a good twenty pounds since his incarceration -
except that his shoulders were broader, and where his sleeves had been
rolled, sinewy forearms were exposed. He looked taller than she'd
remembered. He held himself very straight, almost defensively, in a
stance made bold by the pride of a man stripped of pride. He was
intimidating that way, intimidating and unapproachable, and the other
changes in him didn't help. A small but jagged scar lay just beyond his
right eye; it was a dull red shade, clearly a recent acquisition. The
pallor of his skin emphasized the shadow of his beard, which, in turn,
gave him a hardened look. He did look hard. And he certainly didn't look
pleased to see her. Why am I here? she cried in a split second's silent
panic. Then, with slow strides, Derek approached and she had no time for
either panic or regret. His eyes held hers. There was something
compelling in them that even the mask of contiol couldn't conceal. He
stopped by the chair near hers and stood with his hand on its back and
his shoulders straight. '.' His voice was cool, either truly
emotionless or carefully schooled to sound that way. She nodded and held
her breath. ' are you?' '/ she said, then paused before adding,
"I wasn't sure if you'd remember me.' ' remember you.' ''s been a
while.' ' nionths/ he said without a blink, Sabrina knew his
exact knowledge of the time they'd last met had nothing to do with her
personally. The man had been arrested three months later; he'd been
incarcerated since then. She was sure that he knew to ct day how long
it had been since he'd lost his t ed to study her. Her cheeks felt
warm,. 'con inu she attributed that to the hissing radiator,
since gaze was even cooler than his voice had been. His ere gray. She
hadn't know that before. All that regis ere t d in her memory from that
long-ago meetwas their warmth and understanding. But that was n .

Compelling eyes, indee they were, but w d
were hard as flint. wished he would say somethin& but then embered that
she'd been the one to initiate the it. So she asked, ' have you
been?' e lifted one shoulder in a tight shrug. His gaze't waver. He was
annoyed that she'd come, and s he had a right. She was nothing to him.

She'd possib interrupted something - whatever it ly that inniates did
at two on a weekday afternoon. denly occurred to her that the
interruption might e him trouble. ,,'qs this a bad time?' she asked
hurriedly, worriedly. I pulling you from ONo.' ' wouldn't want to cause
- ' ou re not.' She nodded her okay. Her teeth closed on her lower She
folded her arms across her middle, her right and absently kneading her
left arm. Her gaze went to e barred window - which she would have given
ything to open wide - then to the nearby guard who as watching,
listening. She found the absence of rivacy humiliating and could only
begin to imagine what Derek faced each day. But she couldn't imagine.

Not really. The gap between them was huge. Wanting to narrow it, she
whispered, ' you sit down?' For a minute she feared he'd refuse. He
looked away with eyes whose irritation was mirrored by the slight
outward thrust of his jaw. ' you rather I go?' she asked, again in
a whisper. He didn't answer, but seemed to be considering his options.

Sabrina didn't begrudge him that, even if there was an element of the
power play in it. A sense of power was the least she could give him. At
length, he hooked his jacket on the shoulder of the chair, turned the
chair to an angle that suited him, lowered himself and stretched out his
legs. He ended up not quite facing her, not quite abreast of her, and a
safe yard away. Even seated, he looked large. Even lean, he looked
strong. Eighteen months before, she'd thought of him purely in cerebral
terms: he was a reporter who'd come in search of a story, and though
he'd left emptyhanded, he'd offered her a breath of support. There was
nothing cerebral about him now, though. He was as blunt as the name and
numbers indelibly inked on the breast pocket of his workshirt. Prison
had taken away the intellectual mantle, leaving him hard and raw and
physical. Sabrina felt suddenly tongue-tied. She'd never been in a
prison. The search she'd undergone, the bars through which she'd passed,
the scrutiny of the guards - all were unsettling. And Derek - she'd only
met him once before. She didn't know him. She had no idea what he was
thinking or feeling, no idea how she should behave, what she should say.

She wasn't even sure why she'd come. But she had to say something or
they'd sit there in I didn't think they were going to let me in/
managed. ' did some kind of check they found that my name wasn't on
your list. I N istivrised they gave me clearance so quickly.' ftey
only had to make one call.' -She, wned.'Towhom?' fro @,A Me. he frown
eased. '.' .1."Mey wanted to know who you were, what our t ' nship
was and whether I wanted to see you.' ered that, then asked on impulse,
"How -1he consid Wd the know that I wasn't an evil character trying SM e
you something?' ey searched YOU ... right/ she said, feeling a little
dumb. And ed. The room was so hot. She would have lifted hair from her
neck, except that she didn't want to to be complaining. Maybe the heat
didn't bother A k. For all she knew, his cell was like a bam, in
h the heat was a welcome change. cleared her throat. ', anyway,
thank you for yes.' as it that important to you?' "'She paused, nodded.

*h y ' didn't answer at first. He was regarding her so tently that
she wasn't able to do much but think ut the potential for feeling in the
man and the fact @I at it was going to waste. Where was the warmth that
e remembered? She could detect none now. Everye knew that prison was
hell but, she realized, only inmate knew the true meaning of the word.

She ouldn't comprehend the awful things that had left erek Mcgill so
cold and hard. , don't know/ she said finally, then shook herself a
little and asked, ' my name go on your list now?' '.' His tone
grew cynical. ' that bother you - that there's a record, written
proof that you've been here?' It did, a little, but only because she
feared Nick's reaction if he knew where she was. Lord only knew they'd
had enough to fight about lately. But she wouldn't tell Derek that. It
wasn't why she'd come. ' doesn't bother me/ she answered, thinking
that Nick would never know. Then it occurred to her to ask, ' you
limited in the number of visits you can have?' '.' Her eyes widened.

"Oh dear. Am I taking someone else's time?' '.' ' you sure?' '
don't get many visitors.' She couldn't believe that. He'd been in the
mainstream of life; more, he'd -been in its limelight. She assumed that
he'd always been surrounded by people, that he'd been recognized,
stopped on the street, hailed in restaurants. She couldn't believe that
he didn't have friends and colleagues who would want to visit him, to
cheer him, to fill him in on the world's doings. ' case you hadn't
noticed/ he stated in response to what she knew was visible skepticism,
'this isn't tea time at the Plaza. Prisons are depressing, and convicts
aren't good for much of anything.' ' you're not - ' began without
thinking. ' convict? I am.' ' you're not - I ' them?' he
finished, hitching his head toward the other inmates in the room. '
the eyes of the law, I'm exactly like them. It doesn't matter where I've
in life. The fact is, I'm serving three to seven s held hers in a way
that said for murder.' His eye as being deliberately blunt. There was
defiance in tone and more than a little challenge..'Stbrina rose to the
challenge. ' manslaugh- .".-T. he prosecutor argued for a
stiffer sentence, but d nied it. judge e ,1  D., ou followed the
proceedings. __VY. es I'm sorry.' lie quirked a brow in question. Ire
here/ she explained. hat you not your fault.' 4No. But it all seems
unnecessary.' ! unnecessary? You should meet some of the here.

You'd change your mind fast.' meant/ she said very quietly, ' you
shouldn't here.' The sound he made was harsh and low, the bitter de of a
laugh. ' that to the judge.' @he frowned, then swallowed and asked
in bewilder t, ' did it happen?' crime?' e conviction. I thought for
sure that a good er ""He cut her off. ' had a good laivyer.' S, ut there
was so much room for doubt/ she argued ftly. ''m still amazed that a
jury could have found guilty., ' they were right/ he declared
without pause. I '. His lips twitched at the comers, as though he
found ""'Amusement in her certainty. But it was wry amuse- and
short-lived. ' that what you came to tell '. But it's true.' 33
"You're very naive.' His mouth tightened. He turned his head and glared
at nothing in particular. ''d be amazed at what a man is capable of
doing when he's properly provoked.' She didn't know what to make of
that. Instinct told her that he wasn't talking of the past but of the
present, specifically of his experience in prison. Glancing at the scar
by his eye, she wondered how he'd come by it. ' got the impression/ she
began tentatively, ' the issue wasn't whether you shot the man. The
police said you did. You said you did. But the jury said that you killed
him knowingly and willingly. That's what I can't believe.' Though Derek
leaned forward to prop his elbows on his thighs, there was nothing
relaxed about the pose. His eyes drilled hers. ' jury said there was
motive. Maybe there was. The guy I killed snitched on my dad twenty-five
years ago.' Sabrina knew about that. ' said you shot him in
self-defense.' ' I lied.' ' said that you didn't know who he was
until the police identified him later.' ' I lied about that, too."
She saw his hostility as a test and was determined not to fail. She kept
her voice low, but made no effort to mute her confidence. ' said that
he called you using a different name; that he claimed he had information
crucial to a story you were doing. No reporter in his right mind would
have looked a gift horse like that in the mouth.' ' reporter in his
right mind/ Derek countered in a scathing murmur, ' have agreed to
a meeting with a man he didn't know in an isolated place that he 34
familiar with at an hour of the night when no man in his right mind
would be out! ""that instance, Sabrina knew that his anger was ted.

She felt compelled to take issue with its You'd gotten where you were in
your field by unconventional and daring. Your meeting Joey a that night
was totally in character.' t. In the character to which I was bom., His
eyes glittered dangerously. '- dad was a crook. He served time. He
died in an alley, bled th with a bullet in his gut. What is it they say
t history repeating itself - about the apple not far from the tree,
about the leopard and its V 141'sabrina had read about Derek's father.

She hadn't 1' *d. anything of a like-father-like-son nature in print, it
she had no doubt that it had been snickered aboutmore than one smoky
comer of more than one after- bar. It, was clearly a sore point where
Derek was cerned. ",@,@'Self-fulfilling prophecy?' she asked slowly. '
don't ve it for a minute.' y not. cause I knew you before.' nce,
Sabrina/ he reminded her in a low, dark e. ' e met once. We spent all of
fifteen minutes ether.' She couldn't argue with the time, just the
effect. t it down to instinct, then. You're not a killer. You ere
approached in the dark of night by a man with a n. He showed every sign
of wanting you dead. You efend. ed yourself in, the only way you could."
She u t in a breath. ', Derek, it was his gun! You ent into that
meeting totally unarmed!' He stared at her for a long time, tom, Sabrina
thought, between belief and disbelief. The radiator hissed, low
voices droned on, distant banging echoed through the walls. At length,
he thrust a handful of fingers through his hair and looked off in
disgust. ' doesn't matter/ he muttered. ' of it matters.' ' it
does.' '. It's done. I'm here.' ' about appeals?' '?' The
word came off his tongue sounding like a concept that was truly absurd.

His lowered voice only added intensity as he continued, ' a case is
rigged from the start - when bail is denied so you have to rot in a
holding bin for two months awaiting trial, when pretrial motions fall
like flies and evidence selfdestructs and eye-witnesses lie and the
judge's charge is legally faultless but royally biased - you don't put
much faith in appeals.' Sabrina hurt for him. His words had spilled with
low, seething force, and she suspected that they held merit. He had the
air-of a wounded animal. His faith in justice had been shattered. He was
bruised and aching. ' were railroaded.' His eyes said yes. His mouth
remained shut. ' you know by whom?' she asked, very, very quietly.

"You shouldn't have come, Sabrina.' ' there anything you can prove?"
Straightening in his seat, he ran a hand around the back of his neck.

"Christ, it's hot in here.' ' ...' ' did you come?, he asked.

His eyes, his nose, the faint curl of his lips, the rigidity of his jaw
- all radiated anger. Her gaze held his for a moment before sliding
toward st guard, who was looking direct -ly at theml @'making no
bones about eavesdropping. Sabrina! there was little they could do to
change that, but'@ her on the hot seat in yet another respect. did you
come?' he repeated tightly. ' it was -argue my case, you're wasting
your time. My lawyer. developed an ulcer doing just that.' %She pressed
damp palms to her skirt. ''m not a! e I wouldn't know what to do.' r.

why are you here? Is ii@ curiosity?' IN 0. Tity 2 0. sarcasm gave his
voice a brittle edge. ' can't believe s are so slow in Newyork that
you've comehere, a little innocent socializing.' I rk 5:@@- Her hand
returned to her arm and began to knead O. Mat same spot just above the
elbow. ', Derek ... -Then it m ust be the old do-gooder instinct."
fno.' Why am I here? Because you understood. ' s in the
neighborhood - ."Jhe punishing glance he shot her was an effective -off.

"Not an original line/ he snapped. ''ve heard it ' from my glib
ex-colleagues who've traipsed out re looking for a scoop,'and it doesn't
hold water. kersville is in the middle of nowhere - par for the urse for
prisons.' ' homes for the severely retarded/ Sabrina added ith her
chin tipped a fraction higher. Forthrightness emed her only weapon
-against the bitterness she d. ''ve been in Vermont visiting a
residential nter that may be suitable for my son. Parkersville as along
the way. It seemed a waste to be so close Vand not stop.' Derek's mask
slipped, and she knew that in some fashion or other she'd reached
him. She didn't know whether he would question her about the child,
didn't know whether he'd give half a damn, what with the horror of his
own life. He had every right to tell her to take herself and her
problems through the nearest set Of bars and leave him alone. But he
didn't. His tone mellowed. It didn't exactly warm, but it lost its
caustic edge. ' is he?' She swallowed. '? Fine. Uh, okay.' '
look exhausted/ he said even more quietly. ' that what "okay" is doing
to you?' ''s more than a full-time job.' She studied her thumb as it
tugged at her palm. Head bowed, she allowed for the flicker of a frown.

"Your story was good, Derek. I watched that first airing. I wanted to
tell you, but somehow ...' She gave a vague shrug. ' passed. I had
other worries. You had other worries.' Frowning more deeply, she turned
her head and whispered, ', that sinells awful.' Derek followed her
line of sight along an acrid trail to the nearby duo who were smoking up
a storm. ' rest of the world is giving it up. Not here. It's
something to do, something to look forward to. No one cares if we kill
ourselves.' Sabrina's head came around sharply. We. it didn't seem right
that he should be one of them. She didn't see him as a criminal. But he
did identify with the prison population. She was trying to figure out
how closely when his scar caught her eye. Like Hester Prynne's scarlet
letter or the mark of Cain, Derek had his scar. Its jagged edge
disrupted the line of his face. Its color was that of subdued anger. It
was the intrusion of violence into civility. It was symbolic of a nadir
in his life. upset her. She felt an urgent need to touch it, to n it,
to wipe it clean. Riding on that impulse, she a hand - but seconds shy
of the contact, she Derek's eyes had darkened to broadcast a Danger. Do
not touch. Curling her fingers a fist, she dropped the fist to her lap.

y am I here? Because you understood, and I ted to talk ... the rest of
-the prison as hot as this?' she blurted ostly., e looked around at the
others in the room. ''m rised.' ou expected to find prisoners freezing
in their s?' he asked, then took his time answering. ''t work that
way. Segregation units are cold, but t's to make it worse when they
strip you downand you in. The rest of the time they figure that if make
you sweat, it'll zap your strength., He eyed levelly. ' want
docility.' She supposed she could understand that - the docilpart-
Trying to think positively, she asked, ' you outside much?' -1 get
yard time.' ,,She glanced at the windo*. ''s been a horrid ter."
,,-'Have your husband send you south. He can afford She smiled sadly,
rubbed her arm, shook her head. ' can't afford it?' Derek asked. ',
he can, but I can't go.' ' of Nicky.' She paused, then made a
tiny gesture with her head Ahat passed for a yes. ' old is he now? 39
"Thirty-four months., ''s nearly three.' The smile that had been sad
turned contrite. ' months sounds better. More babylike. He's
still pretty much a baby., ' progress?' ' is relative, I
suppose. He doesn't choke so much when he eats.' ' do the doctors
say?' Lifting one shoulder a fraction, she spoke in a troubled tone.

"The same thing as always - that his development is delayed and that
they don't know why., ' they hold out any hope for improvementv '
much.' Derek grew quiet. He leaned back in his chair, compressed his
lips, stared out the window. ' story was accurate, Derek. It clearly
depicted the problems.' ' tried to go beyond that. ' could you?

There are so few answers., ' came up with one.' He slowly turned his
head and looked her in the eye. rwiu you institutionalize Nicky? l She
began to deny it automatically. She gave a quick head shake - then cut
it short when it occurred to her that she wasn't talking with her
husband, or with their friends or relatives. She was talking with Derek.

She'd taped the story he did and had watched it half a dozen times. He
took great care with his words, but their gist was clear. He believed
that in some cases institutionalization was the best course. He
understood. ', I don't know. Yes, maybe. ' you're not sure., She
thought about that for a minute. Then she ed her fingers together in
her lap, took a deep, %ned breath and looked down. ''m sure. it's just
a popular position.' wasn't a popular position back then, either. Therts
claim that regardless of his handicap a child st at home.' rina nodded.

"That is what therapists claim. ows how much they know.' loo ed up in
surprise, becau. s she could have e he was teasing. But there was no
humor in his ression, particularly when he asked, ' you have
2T@.-,%ome. It's hard to get sitters to come back a second " 3. 1 is
his father home with him now?' an I V ' quite/ she remarked. Then,
feeling inst t unorse raced on in -the hope that her sarcasm would
overlooked. ' husband is in Chicago on business. is with one of the
two therapists who alter- ..,...%Aately work with us.' As they'd been
discussing Nicky, Derek seemed to e relaxed a bit. His shoulders were
still straight, he'd slid a little lower in the chair, crossed his legs
the ankles and dug his hands into the pockets of his s. Sabrina was
t[hinking thit, prison garb and all, was a very attractive man, when he
took her off d by announcing, ' don't like your husband.' ,-",-Her
first impulse was to laugh, because there'd been mething sounding
suspiciously like jealousy in the -declaration. She was flattered. She
was also frightened, F. cause her feelings were uncomfortably close to
,-Derek's, and she sensed that once started she'd very possibly laugh
her way into hysterics. She compro- with a slightly uneven, ' did
that come from?' Derek pointed to his gut. ' you've never met
him., He shrugged. ' that because he wouldn't cooperate on your
story?' ' that because I think he makes life hard for you.' He was
looking out the window, his face as staunchly set as ever, but Sabrina
felt a tiny nugget of warmth inside her. it had been a Iong, long time
since she'd felt that someone was thinking of her interests. Vhy ever
would you think thatv she asked in a voice that was a little too high to
sound nonchalant. Derek made a deliberate, ninety-degree turn of his
head and angled his chin to study her. There was suddenly something very
personal in his expression, and his voice was oddly intimate. ' day
I went to your place, I got the feeling that you would have talked with
me if it hadn't been for your husband. You got nervous when you looked
at your watch and saw the time. What would have happened if held come
home and found us talking?'- ' would have called the president of your
network, as he'd threatened.' ' think he would have done more than
that/ Derek pressed. ' think he would have given you hell for
entertaining me. Forget the fact that I weaseled my way in. Forget the
fact that you refused to be interviewed. I think he would have hit the
roof. He doesn't want anyone to know there's something wrong with his
son, does hev She hesitated for the space of a heartbeat. J didn't say
that.' ', but there's never been any kind of public acknowledgment,
and your husband's been profiled in the papers a whole lot lately.' 42
of our son has nothing to do with career.' t directly. But Nicholas
Stone's name carries He could raise a hell of a lot of money for
research if he wanted to go to bat publicly for a had to struggle not to
squirm. She agreed what Derek said. She'd said nearly identical to her
husband. She wanted to tell Derek that I. as contributed privately to ihe
cause, but she It ... because he didn't. He refused to believe there was
a cause. He preferred to pretend that was simply a late bloomer, but he
carefully hid, child from the world. r k had been right about that. But
Sabrina It get herself to say so, so she answered his ' in the most
general terms. ' gives to ty.1 rek wasn't settling for general terms.

"They say t charity begins at home. Tell me. Does your band take his
turn walking Nicky when he criesp hesitated a second too long. ' has."
4But not often. How about patterning - I assume Ive given it a shotv
brina had to hand it to him. it might have been a and a half since he'd
done his story, and he'd bably been working on half a dozen others at
the e, but he remembered what he'd learned. The oponents of patterning
felt that if you brought the dd's hand to his mouth at the appropriate
time and r the appropriate purpose over and over and over ain, the child
would eventually take the hint. Nicky dn't. But that wasn't what Derek
had asked. ''ve tried patterning,' she answered. ' your husband
helped? ' does what he can, but between sixty-hour workweeks and
frequent traveling, he's just not around all that much., Derek didn't
look at all surprised. ' institutionalization - how does he feel
about thatv A tiny muscle twitched beneath her left eye. ' has to give
it more thought.' Which was an evasive answer if ever there was one.

Nicholas didn't give institutionalization any thought because he refused
to admit that his son was seriously impaired. He seemed content to have
Nicky stay home with Sabrina - where no one could see the child and
judge him retarded. Unfortunately, that left Sabrina with the full brunt
of Nicky's care and the burden of silence. The strain of it was
enormous. just thinking about it strung her out tight. R . g her
teeth over her lip, she tried to divert herself by glancing around the
room, but that was every bit as depressing. A couple had risen and were
saying good-bye with an embrace whose fervor was nearly indecent. ''ve
seen recent photos of your husband in the papers/ Derek said. Sabrina
tried to avert her gaze from the couple, but kept returning to them. She
kept waiting for them to pull apart - either that, or go up in flames.

They showed no sign of self-consciousness. Derek seemed oblivious. The
guards were indulgent. Was she the only one embarrassed? She cleared her
throat. ' company has pulled off several coups., ' looked fresh,
full of energy, not at all tired. He's left the fatigue to you, eh?"
"He's been busy. ''s a fool.' 44 swung to his. ' do you say thatv
use he's got a good thing in you, but I doubt he -sees it. You're loyal.

You stand up for him he deserves it or not. Does he deserve it?' his
wife. Loyalty is a .. a given.' he appreciate it?' shifted a defensive
shoulder. ' doesn't make eches of praise, but I don't expect that."
spe at do you expect?' didn't answer. Is a fool, because he'll lose you/
Derek said. ling swiftly and smoothly, he dropped his s to his thighs.

For the first time he faced her His voice was low, tautly controlled.

His eyes . ' you were mine, I'd appreciate you. But '@'Ire not mine.

You're his. And, goddamn it' - his fell to a thick, dark rumble - '
don't know why Ire here. Is it to torment me? You do, you know. It weeks
until I was able to get you out of my mind time. And it sure as hell
won't be any easier now.' rina was stunned. She hadn't thought ... it It
occurred to her ... perhaps she'd misunderstood surely she'd
misunderstood. With nervous fingers, gathered her coat to her, possibly
in a prelude to ing, more probably for the gense of security, howfalse,
it gave. ''m sorry/ she whispered. is voice was nearly as low, but
much, much more eful. ''t be sorry. just tell me why you're here.' R
:'I don't know. I wanted.. '?' ' wanted ... I want .. ' could
a visit with me possibly offer?' His face was close. His features filled
her vision - '-set eyes now the color of charcoal, ruggedly ed nose,
firm-set mouth, tight jaw. She saw the 45 scowl lines on his brow, the
sootiness of his eyelashes, the tiny mole at his temple, the way his
lower lip was fuller than its mate. But his eyes drew her back. In them,
hidden behind defiance and anger and pride, she saw despair, and she
wanted to cry. ' ...'he prompted in a low, guttural command.

"You understood, Derek. That day. You understood. I don't know why I'm
here now. I didn't plan it ahead, but it seemed the only thing to do
when I knew I would be so close, and after visiting the center I felt so
devastated that I was hoping ... hoping ...' She ran her thumb under
her eye. ' for sympathy? ' - I ' I'm plumb out.' ' don't
want sympathy.' ' what? I ' don't know!' she cried. Startled by the
sound of her own voice, she shot a damp-eyed glance around the room.

Several of its occupants and nearly all of the guards were looking at
her. Embarrassed, she quickly lowered both her eyes and her voice. '
don't know/ she whispered. ' I was hoping for something ... a
fragment ... that warmth I felt when we met and you understood how it
was.' Her fingers bit into her coat as she struggled for composure.

"Strength. I thought maybe you'd have some. it was foolish, selfish of
me, I guess.' Slowly, Derek straightened. ' strength I have now is
earmarked for survival; and as for warmth, it's gone, Sabrina. It just
isn't there anymore.' The words had barely left his lips when he stood,
Sabrina looked up and caught her breath, but before 46 ing, he'd turned
on his heel and was fingers were tight around his jacket. ulders were
stiff. He paused once at the door ked back, forever etching in her mind
the image scraping for dignity, a man ultimately alone. be passed
through and disappeared. ents later, Sabrina sat behind the wheel of her
g. It wasn't the cold air that disturbed her; comed that. It was what
she'd seen and felt ed the quiver. was angry. He was bitter, at times
hostile. He proverbial caged animal, wounded and lashing th a look, a
tone, a word. probably he'd been right when he said that he have
strength to spare, and she'd been wrong to ""Jt. But he lied about the
warmth. She'd seen it those few moments when he questioned her t Nicky.

And she'd felt it after that. ,,don't know why you're here. Is it to
torment me? ', you know. It was weeks until I was able to . out of
my mind last time. And it sure as hell be any easier now. e'd felt the
alertness of his body, had heard the Vness in his voice, had seen the
heat in his eyes. what was heat but warmth once-removed? h, yes, there
was warmth. It was stashed away, ed beneath crates of anger and
bitterness and tration and distrust. It had to jockey with pride and ty
for a brief showing, and for the most part it  but it was there. He'd
lied when he said that it is gone. He'd lied.

Chapter 2.

 Sabrina
always had a thing about lying. She supposed the aversion dated to her
childhood, to the times when her mother told her that if she didn't
clean her room the Ardulonian enforcer would turn her ear inside out, or
the times when her father forecast a showdown at high noon between her
suitors if she got much prettier, or the times when her brother informed
her that the nighttime shadow on her bedroom wall was the reincarnation
of an ogre who had been buried beneath the oak in the courtyard nearly a
century before. It took her a while to figure out that the Ardulonian
enforcer was nothing more than a figment of her mother's imagination and
that, rather than being an incredibly advanced country somewhere in the
vicinity of Antarctica, Ardulon was make-believe. She'd been weaned on
Ardulonian lore. She hadn't realized that the nighttime stories her
mother told her were shortened versions of tales that were well sold,
well published and well read. Not until she was seven and studying
geography in school did she learn - with considerable embarrassment -
the truth, and even in spite of that, she continued to keep her room
clean on the vague chance that the school map, the teacher and the other
students were wrong. By the time she accepted the truth, she was onto
her father's imaginative efforts as well. Even if she'd been as pretty
as her father said - which she knew she wasn't and even if the boys
were fascinated with her - which they weren't - showdowns at high noon,
in 48 or any 6ther corral, simply didn't happen in half of the twentieth
century ... otherthan Westerns like those her father churned out ons of
followers. Nor were ogres reincarinto shadows on the wall in anything
but the genre in which her brother, eight years her eventually went on
to make his name. was a gullible child, her family said. They told that
she believed. Fiction, they called it, and : conceded that
such stories, when bound properly labeled, were okay. But the stories
she "told, the warnings and predictions and dread were offered as
gospel. ' been lied to, she decided, and for a time she furious. Then
resignation came, and with it, ptance. Her family was her family. They
were an tric bunch, and there was nothing Sabrina could to change them.

Amanda Monroe wouldn't be A. Monroe if her mind wasn't in outer space
half time. Nor would Gebhart Monroe be the same "thout a yoked shirt, a
stetson and spurs. And J. B., was unfairly good-looking, had always been
and d always be a horror. @@.Sabrina rebelled. She devoted herself to
being downearth. She watched the evening news, majored in tory in
college, dressed stylishly, if conservatively. e wrote nonfiction. She
liked to believe that she had firm on reality, and she made it a
habit not -to grip But habits, like rules, were meant to be broken when
tter judgment demanded, which was why she didn't fault with what Derek
had done. She wanted to of him as a friend. She didn't know why, but she
wanted that badly. Anything beyond friendship was 49 impossible, though,
and for that reason she was grateful that he denied the heat she'd seen.

It could lead nowhere. So said better judgment. It was the same judgment
that caused her to fudge the truth a bit when she arrived back in
Manhattan and received a call from her husband. ' have you been,
Sabrina?' Nicholas demanded. ' is the third time I've called.' ''m
sorry/ she answered breathlessly. She'd barely come in, checked on her
son, changed her clothes and sent Pam on her way when the phone rang.

The housekeeper, Mrs. Hoskins, had dutifully answered it, then passed it
on when she learned who it was. Sabrina was still trying to settle a
cranky Nicky on her hip. ' had to get out., ' did you go?"
Shifting the phone to her other ear, she wedged it between her shoulder
and jaw, hoisted Nicky a little higher and belted him in with her arms.

"I took a drive.' ''ve been trying to reach you since noon. It's seven
now. That was quite some drive.' ' felt good getting out of the city."
"I hadn't realized you were bored,', he said with just enough sarcasm to
set her off. ' bored, Nick. Tired and frustrated and wound up tight.

It's been an awful month. Taking Nicky out in the slush and cold is
twice as hard as taking him out normally, and we've had appointments
with each of three regular doctors, and two new ones, an eye specialist
and a psychologist. I needed a break./ ''s wrong with this
connection, Sabrina? I can't hear half of what you're saying., She
sighed. It flgured that held miss the message. ''m walking Nicky, so
I'm using the cordless.' . so a lousy cordless. You'll have to pick up
a new @next time you're out.' That settled, he blithely to the next item
on his mental agenda. ' meeting go with Naholy? I Naholy was the
manager of the Westchester club where Nicholas golfed. Once upon a time,
had enjoyed an occasional afternoon at the , that was before Nicky.

She only went to the now for dinner, and only then -when she couldn't
She and Nicholas were hosting one such affair weeks' time, and she was
to have met with the day before to make the final menu selection.

canceled that meeting to drive to Vermont. "couldn't make it yesterday -
not?' s imperious tone made it easier for her to say, se Nicky was
acting up.' She didn't want Nichojo know she'd visited the Greenhouse -
as the aential center in Vermont was called. It was exclu- and
expensive. She wanted to make sure that it the right place for the child
before she launched a de for his admission. icky is always acting up/
barked his father, ' ' to go on., rina closed her eyes and took an
unsteady breath. didn't want to argue. Not now. Not when she was ing
just that little bit refreshed after two days' om. ' I talked with
Joseph, he said we still plenty of time.' ,"A"You could have stopped
there today, as long as you out. That really was a long stretch you were
gone, a. Are you sure you should have left Nicky with all that time?"
Sabrina kept her voice low and calm. ' is a 51 trained therapist.

She's perfectly qualified to care for him.' ' he needs you.' ',
Nick. He needs someone, but whether it's me or you or Pam doesn't
matter.' The child chose that moment to stiffen up and wail. In her
attempt to soothe him, Sabrina lost her grip on the phone. It fell to
the carpet. She knelt down to snatch it up. '/ she told her
husband. Still on her haunches, she gently bounced Nicky on her knee.

"Just dropped tile phone.' , heard him cry. What's wrong?' She wanted
to say, ' isn'tv But she didn't. Nicholas would accuse her of being
a pessimist, and though she'd argue that she was being honest, she
couldn't win. Not with Nick. So she said, ' knows? He may be hungry.

Pam said he didn't eat much supper. Or he may be constipated. He doesn't
have a fever, but his ear may be bothering him again. I wish he could
tell me, but he can't.' ' you'd been back earlier, you'd have had a
better chance of guessing.' ''s not true.' ''d have been able to
keep an eye on him.' ' have my eye on him now. Earlier wouldn't have
made a difference.' ', it would have made a difference, to me/
Nicholas declared. ''ve been leaving meetings to call you. It's
annoying to find you're not there, especially when you knew I was due
back.' ' I'm here, just when you said you'd be. But you're still in
Chicago.' He ignored her logic as though it were irrelevant. ' was
what I called to say. We've run into a lastminute glitch. I won't be
back until tomorrow. If we 52 things up by noon, I should be home by
five- ut we're supposed to be at the Taylors' at sixv she . When an
answering whimper came from Nicky, realized that she'd stopped bobbing
him. The s of her thighs were screaming for relief. jugthe phone, she
slid to her bottom, simultaneously uvering Nicky onto her lap. it was no
mean feat; --was as helpful as a sack of flour.-- ..",Half an hour is
all I'll need to shave, shower and ge/ Nicholas went on. h, Nick/ she
sighed, then reasoned quietly, We d that we'd take turns with Nicky when
we're ting ready to go out. He wants to be held, and. unless want him to
fuss the whole time - V.,You've spoiled him, Sabrina. He fusses, you
pick @[1- up. When you put him down, he fusses, so you k him up again.

At some point he's got to learn that can't be held all the time.' 1 ut e
B h doesn't learn,' she cried, as frustrated by her sband's tunnel
vision as by the baby's shortcomings. at's the problemv Nicholas didn't
want to hear about it. '. Hoskins ' just have to give you a hand."
F','Mrs. Hoskins can't hold Nicky. She has a bad back.' If she has a bad
back, what good is she?' ' me/ Sabrina said dryly. She'd often
argued '.'that if they replaced Mrs. Hoskins with someone ... equipped to
handle Nicky, Sabrina would benefit on : fronts. But since Nicholas
refused to admit that Nicky's problems warranted special full-time help,
s Hoskins had a staunch ally. ' suppose she keeps things organized/ he
pointed ut, just as Sabrina had known he would. ' you had worry about
making the beds and dusting and doing 53 laundry and polishing silver on
top of everything else, you'd be exhausted.' I am exhausted, Sabrina
wanted to scream, but she knew it would do no good. Nicholas saw what he
wanted to see. It had been that way from the first time they'd met, and
it had been okay back then because they'd shared a vision of their fives
and of the future. They shared few visions nowadays, though - which was
why, when Nicholas pulled his blinder routine, Sabrina suffered. Would
it be at all possible/ she began, her body tense as she rocked Nicky
back and forth, ' you to catch an earlier planev '.' ' one hour
earlier?' ''m not here on vacation, Sabrina. This is a busine s trip.

And I'm not alone; there are a dozen people waiting in the other room. I
should have been off the phone ten minutes ago.' Sabrina was annoyed
enough to ignore that. ''ll call the Taylors and tell them we'll be
late., Don't be selfish. You know they're on a tight schedule. They
can't hold things up for us if they're going to get through a sit-down
dinner and to the theater in time.' ' them start dinner without us.

We'll join them for the second course.' ' would be very rude,
particularly when it isn't necessary. I told you I'd be home in time."
Tut not in time to help me! My God, Nick, I can't do it all myself ! As
it is, Donna's doing us a favor by agreeing to sit'- Donna was the
second of the therapists who worked with Nicky - ' she can't get here
until six-thirty, which means that Mrs. Hoskins will have to do the best
she can for half an hour - 54 e to go, Sabrina.' didn't want to go to
the Taylors' in the first place!' 11 see you tomorrow. Bye.' t we
haven't settled - Damn it, Nicholas Stone, It hang up ... Nick? ... Oh,
hell.' She whispered -last in a plaintive tone, hating what she'd said,
even more the shrewish sound of her voice. been so easy-going and
flexible ... before Nicky. ' a sigh that carried a pained whimper, she
the phone aside, along with what little relaxashe'd found in the two
days' break. Reality was in full force - endless work, frustration and
che. And responsibility. During those two days was gone, she'd been free
of responsibility. It had good, so good. But it was over. She was back.

Nicky her responsibility. Her shoulders sagged beneath weight. Vicholas
was letting her down again. She should e guessed he would. Lately he'd
been in his work rld more and more. She could tell herself that he as
legitimately busy, that the company was doing ously, that their
financial status was better than r, but somehow none of those arguments
gave her mfort. Dipping her head, she looked into Nicky's face. t would
give her comfort would be his looking @`hack at her, reaching up to grab
her hair, maybe calling ! inama. Hell, she wasn't fussy; he could
call her y ing his little heart desired, if only he would make th e
connection between his vocal cords and speech. But he didn't make that
connection. The sounds he made were involuntary, brought on by
discomfort or displeasure or - on the rare occasion - delight. A
helpless gurgle when his tummy was tickled. A reflexive gasp when he was
tossed into the air. But he 55 seemed to have no knowledge that he'd
produced that sound himself, and he had no inclination to reproduce it
at will. Yet he was beautiful. Sabrina never failed to think it, and she
knew that far more than matemal pride was at play. People stopped her on
the street or in elevators or in stores to tell her. Nicky Stone was a
beautiful child. No heat rashes for him, no eczema, no chafed skin. His
complexion was smooth, his cheeks soft. He had eyes that were large
pools of mocha, fringed by unfairly long lashes. His hair was a cap of
loose, pecancolored curls that caught and reflected the nearest light.

Sabrina dressed him in the most adorable clothes she could find - even
now he was wearing a bright sweatshirt, pint-sized Guess jeans and tiny
Reeboks - but she knew that with or without the duds, he'd catch the
eye. It was a cruel paradox. A beautiful shell housing a limited mind. A
cruel, cruel paradox. She'd have traded looks for mental health in a
minute. But it wasn't to be. He was a slight child. Aside from the baby
fat that gave his face a slightly rounded look, he carried no extra
weight - no mystery, given the trauma of meals. Sice he couldn't learn
to swallow, his food had to be strained, and even then it was all
Sabrina could do to massage half of it down his throat. He fought her.

He could be famished - and she feared that half the time he was, which
was why, on doctors' orders, he was fed six small meals a day - but he
still object@d to the intrusion of foreign matter in his mouth. He
lacked all understanding. He couldn't make the connection between eating
and survival, satiation or pleasure. For all the times Sabrina had seen
exasperated mothers trying to clean up chocolate-covered children, 56
VIC the world to see Nicky like that once, just Thone rang, jarring her
from wistfulness. Know- Mrs. Hoskins would answer it, she gathered into
her arms and pushed herself to her feet. sed she was lucky that he was
fight for his strain on her back from holding him for hours day was bad
enough; had he been heavier, she'd been in serious trouble. about a
bath, bud?' she asked, nuzzling his He was facing outward, sitting in
the chair fashioned out of her -arms and her hip, and the ' in her
step was designed for play. ''ll add bubbles and bring ducky in and you
can stretch m. Sound good? I was halfway to his room when Mrs. Hoskins up
with her. ' was your husband Stone. He didn't want to disturb you,
but he forgot A you to pick up his new tuxedo. it's ready and ng at the
shop. He couldn't remember whether Id ordered a dress shirt, but he said
they had his size file. Also, he's out of shave cream and deodorant. s
of some sort for d he suggested picking up sweet ,'the Taylors."
Sabrina stopped in her tracki, dropped her chin to chest and squeezed
her eyes shut. Pick up his new .!'Medo. Pick out a new dress shirt. Pick
up shave cream, deodorant, sweets, a new cordless. Nicholas ';.@'had a
knack for tossing off little orders, totally oblivious of the effort
required to carry them out. Errands that would have been simple three
years ago weren't so simple now. She sighed against Nicky's head as she
atinued into his room. A short time later, he , in the tub. Sabrina
had a ,."firm grip on hun, which put her practically in the tub 57
herself, but that was okay. She'd change into dry things later. For now
it was enough that he was calm. She ran a washcloth along his chest and
around his neck, then positioned her hand under the cloth and pretended
it was a dog - not that he knew what a dog was, despite the endless
hours she'd spent pointing at picture books or oohing and aahing over
the real thing in the park. But something about the yipping sounds she
made and the gentle patter of the puppy's paw on his tummy made him
gurgle. She repeated the patter again and again, laughin& praising,
coaxing. The results were sporadic, a few gurgles, then silence, another
gurgle, then a whimper or two. She continued to bathe him until the
gurgles were absent and the whimpers increased to three or four; then,
for her sake as much as for his, she took him out. Dried and diapered
and dressed in a fresh sleeper, he was precious. She sat in the rocking
chair by his crib and held him close, loving his softness and his
babysweet smell. She read him a story - Green Eggs with Ham - because
the pictures were bright and might catch his eye and because she'd
always found the cadence catchy. Nicky wasn't being caught by either the
pictures or the words, but he was getting sleepy. She helped him along
by singing softly - humming actually, with a few words stuck in. '
mmir ... baby ... mmm-mmm ... a word.'The important thing was the
movement of the rocker, the warmth of her body, the gentle vibration of
the small sound she produced. Carefully, she transferred him to the
crib. And then came the one time each day that Sabrina looked forward
to. With only the dimmest dresser light on, she bent over the crib and
smiled at her son. He looked back at her. He always did at night like
this, 58 he was as relaxed as it was possible for him to be Was tired
enough to tune out everything but that was directly in front of him. was
directly in front of him. She blocked out bright red clown mobile that
hung over the crib the vivid yellow cars that raced across the nearby
and the turquoise Care Bear that sat between a Cabbage Patch twins at
the foot of the crib. , angel?' she crooned ' 4ittle more than a ex.

She rubbed his cheek, then his neck. ' a day, has it?' She ran her
thumb back and forth er his jaw. ''s mommy's good boy?, she but her
voice cracked halfway through when he into a smile. ', that's what I
like. That's ti like, Nicky-ricky. How about another one? er one for
mommy? A nice big one? A nice big, one? Mommy loves that kind. How about
it, -ricky? P tone smile a night was all she got, so when Is eyes began
to droop, she turned him onto his ach and rubbed his back for a while.

Then she with her elbows braced on the crib rail and ed through her
tears. He looked so normal. At night like this when he was when his
limbs were loose and his diapered as slightly raised and his hands lay -
palms and up - by his sides and curls hugged his head, Ahe could pretend
that he was like any other three- old. She could pretend that he was
dreaming sweet dreams, and that he'd be awake at dawn jumping up and
down, clamoring to be free of his crib. Was she lying to herself? Sure
she was, and it had nothing to do with better judgment. It had to do
with hopes and dreams and the fact that she was desperate. Ninety-nine
percent of the time she was realistic; one 59 percent of the time she
allowed herself to dream. Only at night. Only when she was alone. Derek
Mcgill felt very much alone that night. oh, he was alone every night,
but that night it felt worse, and it was all her fault. Up to then, held
been in control. He'd learned to slow down his thoughts and narrow them.

Prison was too confining for the free run of reason; a man could go mad
if he didn't conform. So Derek had conformed. In those idle hours - so
many idle hours - he focused his thoughts on the crime held committed,
his trial, the work he'd been doing when he was arrested and the
connection between the three. He read the papers each day - it was a
compulsion, he decided. He didn't think about driving to the North Woods
of Maine as he used to do each summer. He didn't think about fastening
his shell to the roof of the Saab, driving north from Manhattan and
sculling along the Mohawk as he'd done when he had just a single day
free. He didn't think about filet mignon, water beds or clothes washed
in fabric softener. He didn't think warm or soft or gentle. M S brina
made him think warm and soft and gentle. s cell was dim. Stray shafts of
light fell through the bars: not enough to keep him awake if he'd been
inclined to sleep, but - since he was up - just enough to illumine his
surroundings and remind him where he was. Not that he could have
forgotten even if he'd been blind. The night was punctuated by muted
snores and grunts, the occasional sleep-talker, the shuffling and
rummaging of insomniacs, the punctual footfalls of the guards taking
count. There'd been many a night before his imprisonment when he'd
fallen asleep over the Kem machine at the office, or at home on his sofa
60 the television on, but no broadcast studio or late had ever sounded
like this. The sounds and of prison were unique. It was mankind at its k
wanted to know why she'd come. He'd asked over and over again, and she'd
hemmed and hawed, finally blurted out something about wanting tanding
and warmth. Understanding and from him? It would be laughable if it
weren't Id told her, and held meant it, that she was naive. as
particularly true if she believed that he had e i g to give. She had no
idea of the hell that was life. Boredom. Isolation. Wasted days, one
after er. Frustration. Distrust. The constant battle st an inner fury
that would easily eat him alive if didn't appease it with carefully
sculpted plans for revenge. He wanted to know why she'd come, because he
couldn't shake the picture she'd left in his mind. It brought a new and
different kind of ache, and he Iresented that. He'd never claimed to be
a monk. At the age of thirteen, frighteningly soon ifter he reached
puberty, he bluffed his way into the arms of the hottest
seventeen-year-old number in the neighborhood, and he never looked back.

He'd been a sexual terror by twenty. By the time he reached thirty, held
grown more discriminating; and by the time he reached thirty-five, he'd
had several long-running affairs. The past few years had been dry by
choice: sex for the sake of sex had grown empty, and held been too
involved in his job to spare the emotional output that would have made
the difference. 61 In that sense, and in that sense alone, his
incarcera. tion'had been bearable. He hadn't left behind a special
woman. It had been years since held seen his sex drive as a source of
status. He hadn't had a bell of a lot to lose in the sexual sense by
being imprisoned. He wasn't a prig; he didn't begrudge the men whose
muffled moans suggested self-gratification in the night. Nor did he
begrudge those who found willing partners, though he'd had no trouble
refusing the invitations he received himself. He had contempt, though,
for the groups who cornered innocents in isolated spots and caused
anguished cries of pain and degradation. Had it not been for razor-sharp
reflexes, a mean left hook and the strength born of revulsion, he'd be
one of those victims himself. Strength bom of revulsion? It had been bom
of fear, too, but even more of anger and frustration and impotence. That
night little more than a year ago, in another town, another prison, he
needed an outlet for his rage. There was nothing sexual about the way he
battered his attackers. It earned him ten days in the hole, a scar he'd
wear for life and a reputation that would stay with him for the duration
of his imprisonment. No, there'd been nothing sexual about his thoughts
that night, or on arty other night. Until now. Sabrina Stone touched
him. She'd done it that first time they'd met, when he'd equated her
with innocence and serenity, and she'd done it today. She touched him,
heated him, made him ache. - Arms folded rigidly beneath his head, he
stared at the shadowy cracks on the ceiling. Like a Rorschach test, they
took shape, forming a slender body in a large sweater and long skirt
with a chic belt and -imported boots. And there was more. In the cracks
he saw her 62 She wore it in a vague pageboy - vague because it mussed
by the wind, by the collar of her coat, s even by her fingers. And she
didn't seem to since not once did she attempt to neaten the d riot. And
there was more; he saw the slenderness' her neck, the gracefulness of
her wrists, the gentle of her breasts beneath a sweater that should have
everything but didn't. And jasmine perfume. q, not perfume. It had been
too light, too delicate. poo, perhaps. Or body cream. _' He squeezed
his eyes shut and took several deep, ed breaths. He thought about the
pathetic somethat had masqueraded as hamburger at dinner, t the guard
he'd seen kick an inmate whose sole 0eason for not rising from his cot
that morning had @@.@een acute appendicitis, about Crazy Louie's latest
- "@nd dumbest - escape attempt. in time the swelling tween his legs
eased. Only then did he open his eyes. The cracks on the ceiling were
back to being cracks on the ceiling. But, damn it, he could still smell
her. She was all style and class. Everything about her - --,clothes,
jewelry, makeup - was understated and very Z1,obviously of fine quality.

The difference between her and the other visitors in that room had been
ludicrous. She shouldn't have come. She didn't belong here. ,..'@,,-But
God, she'd looked lovely. Tired, perhaps, and tense, but he'd seen all
that before. She'd still been lovely. And he ached for her as he hadn't
ached for a woman in months and months, which was absurd. This woman was
as off-limits as any woman could get. Item one, she had problems. She
had a child who needed every last bit of her love and attention. And she
had a husband - not just any husband, but one who had a fair amount of
prestige and power. Derek wasn't sure where she found the strength to
contribute 63 to that particular relationship once she'd finished taking
care of her son, but that wasn't his worry. The fact was, she was
married and married well. Item two, he had problems. He was a man
standing at the crossroads of life, looking down one bleak path after
another. He was in prison, stuck there for at least another nine months
and beyond that at the whim of the parole board. He was a man with
talent and no place to use it, if the grim predictions of his agent were
to prove correct. And he was from the wrong side of the tracks. Lord,
how he'd fought that. He'd left home at eighteen, on the day of his high
school graduation, and he'd been determined to put as much distance
between himself and his past as possible. He'd enlisted in the Marines,
done a stint in Vietnam and been thoroughly disillusioned. But he'd been
in too much of a rush to take the time to protest the killing and
maiming of innocent people. If gaining distance from his roots was his
goal, he had too far to go to-dally. He enrolled in college, earned a
degree in political science, then one in communications. Long before
graduation, he was delivering on-the-hour middle-ofthe-night news
summari s at a local radio station. From there, he made a steady climb.

He bounced from city to city, which was fine since he loved travel and
adventure; but more important, each move meant a job that was one step
up the ladder. At the age of thirty-five he was named one of the three
principal correspondents on Outside Insight. That had been four years
ago. The sense of triumph he'd felt then had been incredible. He'd made
it. He'd hit the big time in a big way. An honest way. A lawful,
respected way. That was one of the things that hurt most now - it 64 n a
goddamned waste of time and effort. Held his tail off all those years.

Held earned each ry promotion. He'd paid his taxes on time and Held been
the yo-yo to return the extra ten that the supermarket clerk had
mistakenly ' in change. y he'd gone by the book. And still he'd been
. He was right back where he started - no, because now he wore the
stigma firsthand. dn the hell would Sabrina Stone want to have to do
with him? Warmth and understanding, said. Apparently her husband didn't
provide but Derek could have guessed that months After that day on her
terrace, held studied each scrutinized each picture of Nicholas Stone. A
of those photos had included Sabrina, and in those olas had always been
a step ahead of her, with his to the flash and his eyes on the world.

Sabrina was in need. But she was beautiful and ligent. She was wealthy.

She was Society. If it was th she needed, she could surely find it in
dozens ling and suitable pairs of arms. She didn't need E, slumming.

ch brought him back, to square one. Why in the had she corne? .
had sent her to drive him mad. That was there was to it. It was
psychological torture, pure simple. Annoyed and frustrated, he rolled to
his side. The t creaked. He heard the distant sound of the guards'
tsteps and automatically began to count. Five paces, P, search. Five
paces, stop,. search. The footsteps ew nearer, louder. He was fully
prepared when a of light searched his cell, then searched his face, en
left. 65 He lay quietly, listening to the footsteps systematically
recede. He inhaled, exhaled; he counted the beats of his heart. He
closed his eyes and pictured nothingness. He concentrated on
nothingness. He tried to make his mind mirror nothingness. It usually
worked, but it didn't now. She was still with him. Abruptly he was up,
sitting on the edge of the cot. He flexed his fingers, alternately
extending them and curling them into fists. He wanted to touch - suede,
leather, mohair, skin - woman's skin, Sabrina's skin. Since he couldn't,
he thrust an impatient handful of fingers through his dark hair and
swore under his breath. He hadn't thought prison could get worse, but it
had today. Held been aware of intellectual stagnation and emotional
vegetation. But sensual deprivation had only hit him now. Bolting
upright, he began to pace. He padded to the bars, wrapped his fingers
around them for a minute, turned, strode to the rear wall of the cell,
turned, strode forward again. Sabrina had been telling the truth about
why she'd come. He knew it in his gut, knew it with a confidence that
increased with each oblong he paced. She wanted comfort. She really did.

That told him something. She'd felt it, too, the rapport on the day
they'd met. She was reacting to it at some level, though how conscious
the level was he just didn't know. He did know that every one of his
reasons for steering clear of her was valid. And still he wanted her.

Which was why he felt so alone. And why he couldn't possibly let her
come again. 66 weeks later, he came closer to death than he to come.

Acting on impulse, he violated a basic of penitentiary
self-preservation: He tried to break a fight between two other inmates.

The incident in the shower room. There was no ' to I= the
blow when a razor connected with his neck. it been an inch farther
forward, it would have re the jugular. Ffis skin was stitched and by
evening he was back in cell, but the throbbing kept him awake for much
the night. The next morning, he penned a brief note, ed it in an
envelope and dropped it in the prisoners' slot.

Chapter 3.

Sabrina
felt like death warmed over. She'd had the flu for three days runnin&
and it showed no sign of letting UP. When she sat up, she got dizzy. She
couldn't hold down food. And she was very hot. Or very cold. She tried
to take care of Nicky, but it was impossible. She'd make it to her feet
long enough to change his diapers, then collapse back with him onto the
bed. He'd cry. She'd gather her strength. Then she'd try again, this
time to feed him, but she'd end up in the bathroom retching. He'd cry:
She'd have that much less strength left to gather. Mrs. Hoskins kept to
herself. She went about her business unobtrusively, as w;ks her way.

Sabrina had liked it that way when she first married Nick and inherited
Mrs. Hoskins in the bargain. The housekeeper knew just what she was
supposed to do around the house, and she did it. Unfortunately, she did
nothing extra. Sabrina could appreciate Mrs. Hoskins' back problem, but
there were times soon after the flu hit when she wondered how the@ woman
could not offer to help, given the obvious way Sabrina was struggling.

And Sabrina couldn't ask. Nor could she command; it wasn't her way. And
though her pride was tattered, she still had a bit; she wouldn't give
Mrs. Hoskins the satisfaction of hearing her beg. The only thing that
enabled her to make it through the first day was the conviction that
she'd be better by the next. But the next was just as bad. Even Nicholas
agreed, albeit grudgingly, that she needed help. So they 68 a day
worker, and though the woman, Doreen, , she was sweet. t was more than
Sabrina could say for her husforget the sweet nothings he might have
done to her feel better - the flowers he might have t her, the cup of
tea, the back rub. She could without those - God knew she had, for
months months anyway. But she firmly believed Nicholas have taken a day
off from work to care for his That hadn't occurred to him, or if it had,
he t himself above the task. Either that, or held intimidated: Nicky's
peculiarities were enough Ary a saint, and Nicholas was no saint. He was
barely even human when he strode into the oorn on the fourth night, sat
down in a huff on the tz-covered chaise to unlace his shoes and began to
plain. ' isn't ready. Can you believe that? supposed to play
handball in an hour, and dinner I ready! Mrs. Hoskins says that Doreen is
monopo- g the kitchen. ,"'She's feeding Nicky/ was Sabrina's muffled
ponse. Her face was half-buried in the pillow. She't have the strength
to move. He tossed one shoe in the direction of the closet. en you feed
Nicky, I get dinner on time.' ''m efficient.' ' don't see what the
problem is. How can dinner for e three-year-old be such an effortv The
second shoe lowed the first. He stood and unfastened his ousers. Sabrina
tugged the blankets more tightly to her omach. The pressure felt good.

Tverything has to be trained. He still hates it.' ' don't strain the
food.' ''ll choke.' 69 ' he's hungry enough, he'll eat., She didn't
bother to answer. That seemed to goadd Nicholas on. ' you weren't
lying around in bed, this wouldn't happen. How long do you plan on being
sick?' She stared at him in disbelief. ' people have the flu/ he
said. ''re sick for a day, maybe two, then they're back to normal.

Not you. It's been four days. Are you enjoying the vacation?' She
managed a weak, ''re nuts.' ' me. Maybe you. Maybe your flu is
psychosomatic, Sabrina. Have you stopped to consider that possibility?"
"Please, Nick.' 011m serious/ he said. He was standing in his underwear,
with his hands cocked on his hips. ''s clear that Nicky is a problem
for you. You've had trouble with him from the start. What better way to
get time off than to be sickv Sabrina continued to stare. Somewhere in
the back of her mind, she knew that Nicholas was an attractive man. He
was of average height, nicely built. His features were blue-blooded, and
rightly so - given the presence of two marquises and a duke several
branches up and over in his family tree. His skin was lightly tanned and
firm of tone; even with more gray than brown in his hair, he looked
younger than his fortythree years. And he-held himself well.

Confidently. Arrogantly. Even in his underwear. But all that was
somewhere in the back of her mind. At the moment, and at more moments
than she cared to count of late, Sabrina found him offensive. ' can
guarantee you, Nicholas, that I don't choose to be sick. I he here
feeling guilty for everything I 70 be doing but can't do. Doreen barges
in with tions, and Nicky has been fussier than usual. It's much of a
vacation. And yes, you're right, Nicky's n a problem from the start. He
is severely and tiply handicapped.' lwoney.' "Where've you been, Nick?

Haven't you heard a word doctors said?' ",They've said that his
development is delayed. He's t slow. That's all. He'll catch up in his
own good e.1 ''s not what the doctors say.' ' don't know what to
say.' ' you do?' fes. The child needs time and discipline. And he eds
to be with other children. You isolate him, rina. He should be in a play
group. He needs to be @with normal children his age. If he could see
what _4heylre doing,-' @1@ @I -
My God, Nickv Sabrina cried. A fine wire of frusation. snapped inside
her. In a burst of angry energy, ,,she sat up. ' is three years old
and he can barely Id up his head. He can't sit. He can't crawl. He can't
old things or feed himself or talk. What in the devil Js he going to do
in a play group?' She was shaking all ,, but she couldn't stop the
words. ' in the devil is a play group going to do with him? Children
can be cruel, Nick. They don't mean to be, but they are. You won't be
the one who suffers when they stand around, pointing and giggling at
him. Maybe they'll use him as a beanball target. Thatd be - ''s
enough!' ''s not! Face facts, Nick!' ''re getting hysterical.' She
was on her knees on the bed, swaying slightly 71 but keeping her eyes on
her husband. '? Me? What cause would I have for hysterics?

I've only spent three years in nonstop hell trying to deal with a child
who is severely retarded - ' - ' ' I've had no help from you,
Nick! You're too busy to lend a hand in the everyday care. You object
when I want to see a new doctor or try a different training program. You
fight me every step of the way. You deny that there's a problem.

Well, there is a problem. And I'll tell you something else. Maybe the
reason I can't shake this flu is because I've gotten run down trying to
cope with the reality of Nicky and the reality of you and the reality of
me ... if there is a me anymore. I sometimes wonder about that. I was a
writer when I married you. What am I now? I ' mother!'Nicholas snapped.

He was pulling on his sweat suit as quickly as possible. ' was what
you wanted to be. Why are you complaining?' ' Nicky isn't just
another child!' ' can't custom-order kids, Sabrina. You can't check
off the traits you want them to have and expect that you'll get your
every wish. So Nicky is highstrung. So he's fussy - ' ''s a godawful
wretch most of the time! I love him to pieces, but there are times when
I can't stand him. He needs help. I need help. It's getting worse and
it'll continue to get worse. He'll just get bigger. That's allul, Nick.

just bigger.' Nicholas was back on the chaise, this time tugging on his
sneakers. ' God, you're a bitch., ''m a realist. I can't handle this,
Nick. I can't take the constant tension and worry. I can't take the
physical strain, day in, day out. It's not what I want.' 72 leaving,' he
said coolly, heading for the door. be back by eleven.' ou can close your
eyes to it, Nick, but it won't go . We have to do something. You may
have your but mine's falling apart. There's nothing left of marriage. We
barely see each other, and when we we argue. I have no career, no social
life. Every of my strength is committed to Nicky, and it no good. I can
love him until I'm blue in the face, he isn't ever going to be normal.

it's only a matter ; before we have to think about putting him in
stitution - door slammed, blotting out the loathbedroom e word. Sabrina
continued to kneel on the bed. Her was shallow. Sweat beaded on her
upper lip; nightgown was damp. After a minute, she stag- from the bed
and made it to the bathroom just in e to lose the tea and crackers she'd
eaten so gingerly an hour before. Then, not caring whether it was the
wisest thing to do, she turned on the shower. She edged herself in a
comer, slid down until she was sitting with her knees tucked to her
chest and let the ,@,tepid spray course over her. Once out of the
shower, she couldn't make it back to bed fast enough. She pulled the
blankets to her neck because, though her skin burned, she had the
chills. Her limbs ached. Her insides were raw. She felt miserable - but
the more she concentrated on her misery, the less she had to think about
the argument with Nick. So she concentrated on her misery. In time,
other thoughts intruded, and when she'd stopped quaking quite so badly,
she freed one arrn from the covers and reached back for the book she'd
left on the headboard shelf. She opened to the place where 73 page 209
met page 210, removed the plain white envelope she'd tucked there, then
set the book aside.. For a time she just lay, tucked beneath layers of
blankets, looking at the envelope. The average eye would find nothing
distinctive about it, but Sabrina's was not the average eye. She saw
that the envelope had no return address, and assumed that was by
designit was metered, rather than stamped, which she assumed to be
regulation, and the postmark, reading Parkersville, MA, was dated three
weeks before, which was just about how long it had been since she'd
received it. For what had to be the hundredth time, she removed a single
sheet of paper from the envelope, unfolded it and read its -brief
message. ' are fine. D.' Closing her eyes, she pressed the
letter and its envelope to her breast. By the next day, she was feeling
better. Doreen was staying on for another day, so slie napped. She took
a leisurely bath, then napped some more. She was feeling lag more,
composed than usual when, late* that afternoon, her mother phoned.

Sabrina had never quite figured out whether her mother's
otherworldliness had preceded her profession, or vice versa. Amanda
Monroe was like a character from one of her books. Petite, almost
waiflike, she was a sprite who'd reached her mid-fifties with few of the
usual signs of life's wear and tear. Her skin was smooth and
porcelain-like. Her hair was long and blond, There was a fluidity to her
walk, a lyricism -to her talk. And when she smiled, she sparkled. She
had an ethereal quality that made people stop, look once, then again,
then approach her with caution lest they cause her harm. It was really
quite ironic, 74 d as if she e the woman was strong. She looke splinter
apart and disperse with the breeze, but fact was, she had an iron
constitution and a will of . in her soft, shimmering way she was a
controller. choreographed those around her; they danced to tune. very
five years and ten books or so, she created a galaxy to explore. Her
fans loved it. Her family d it. Her husband, who was nearly as eccentric
as and had an ego the size of Texas, to boot, had long decided that no
way was the Old West going to *vel in the shadow of the Vaspatian moons.

He had eded the spacious San Francisco townuse to his wife, bought
aranch in Nevada and moved lock, stock and barrel. He returned to the
Coast periodically, the bounty hunter returning to his woman, but it was
clear that he had no wish to wipe the range dust from his boots. Sabrina
had grown up shuttling back and forth between her parents' homes, and at
the time she'd thought nothing of it. Amanda and Gebhart loved each
other. When they were together, they were openly and honestly
affectionate. They simply couldn't live with each other full-time - or
so they. explained to Sabrina when she began to wonder and ask - and she
accepted that, too, for a time. in recent years, though, she'd had
doubts. She'd come to see her parents as lonely people, people caught
between creative needs and emotional ones. Each had achieved success,
but at a price. For that reason, Sabrina no longer begrudged her parents
the odd upbringing she'd had. And for that reason, she always tried to
receive her mother's phone calls with an audible smile. ', Mom. How1re
you doing?' Amanda answered in the feathery tones that fit her 75 well.

-Me most wonderful thing just happened, sweetheart. Glendine escaped
from the last of the Wuftigs. She's on her way to the Jennery Fields
now, and assuming she doesn't fall on any gluxide mines, she's home
free. He's waiting for her at Konrell, sweetheart. Zaaro's waiting at
Konrell! I ''s great, Mom. I take it Konrell wasn't destroyed by the
Jaspards?, ' little damage,' Amanda admitted airily, but nothing that
the corps couldn't fix in an afternoon. Their technology is incredible,
sweetheart. A few molecular transfers and things were perfect.' She
sighed. ' we only knew half of what they do ...' Sabrina bit her
lip. When she was sure she could sound properly respectful, she asked,
'is that the end of the Dusalon series?' ', no. There are two more
books left. I still haven't settled the fates of Quist and Fravilon."
,mm. Right. I'd forgotten.' ''s story is next. I'll be starting it
at the end of the week, and unless your father distracts me with a
surprise visit, I'll finish it before my birthday. I'd really like to do
that. J.B. is coming up with the girls. He hates it when I talk
Dusalon.' ' he always talks whatever it is that he's writing.' '
that's different. His horror stories are his identity. He hides behind
them. If only he could find a woman who'd bring him out. jenny and he
were illsuited.' ' loved him for a time. ' was never quite sure
whether she loved him or his royalties.' Sabrina snorted. ' would take
might hefty royalties to keep a woman with J. B.' 76 gets mighty hefty
royalties. Sabrina, he's not t bad.' '?' Amanda was still for a
minute before concedin& 11, he's easy to look at. And speaking of easy
to at, how's gorgeous Nicky?' '.' ''s he doing?' Lousy. V, 11
though t you were seeing Howard Frasier. As specialists go,
he's the best. Wasn't he any help?' ' really.' "You sound down.' '
am. I'm tired, Mom.' ' haven't been sleeping?' 10h, I have. I mean,
I've had the flu for the past few days, and that's taken something out
of me, but there's more. I'm burning out.' ' do, you mean? I '
is taking too much from me.' ''s your son.' ' I love him, love him
so much, but it's not fair.' ' isn't always fair. What's your
alternative?' ' private hospital/ Sabrina said, deliberately avoiding
the word '.' She'd tried that once on her mother. it hadn't
gone over well. ''s a place in Vermont that I've been - ' ''t,
Sabrina. He'll come along. Give him time.' ''s what Nick says, but
it isn't working. Nicky has serious problems., ''s a special child."
"He's handicapped., ', but is putting him away the solution?' Sabrina
curled into herself. ' make him sound like a doig. I'm not "putting
him away." I'm simply 77 looking for a place where the people are
equipped to handle problems like his.' ' can handle them. You've been
through training programs. You can go through more. ' the emotional
price - I ' is your son. He needs to be with you.' ' can't deal
with it, Mom. If I knew things would improve by next year or the year
after, I could hang on. But things aren't going to improve in five, ten
or twenty years. We're talking full-time custodial care for the rest of
his life., ' that what the doctors say?' '.' ', sweetheart ...' '
know. There are times when I'm so embroiled in the everyday trauma that
I don't see the larger tragedy. There are other times when the entire
picture is crystal-clear, and it eats me alive.' ' tragedy/ Amanda
decided, ' that Nicky isn't on Dusalon. They'd be able to do something
for him there. Actually, they wouldn't have to do anything for him,
because they'd have caught and corrected the problem before he was bom
and you'd have a wonderfully healthy boy.' ''s not on Dusalon, and we
don't know that the problem is genetic. It could be - I ' the problem
weren't genetic, they'd be able to fix that, too. Even the Wuftigs know
about reconstructing cells and reversing brain damage. Why is it that
doctors here can't do it? I The sound of her pout brought a sad smile to
Sabrina's face. ' this is reality, Morn.' Her smile fisted wanly.

"Maybe you could give the doctors a little hint ... you know, a shove in
the right direction?, ' can't do that. My books are copyrighted., 78
.0--ft was the standard answer Amanda gave when rina teased. The fact
was, Amanda had imbued the ""Dusalonians with their extraordinary
medical powers, "only after Nicky was bom. if J.B. Monroe hid behind
"","his horror stories, Amanda Monroe expressed her .1 *
...,..@wishes through science fiction. ' besides/ Amanda went on,
Tarth doctors are KI, too full of themselves. They'd never listen to an
alien. When I dared suggest to the young doctor who fives next door that
he. should have his wife drink my ambrosia each night, he looked at me
like I was crazy. That, after asking me why I look forty when I'm about
to turn fifty-six. You are coming out for my party, aren't you,
Sabrina?' ', Mom, I don't know.' Vhy not? it's not every day that I
have a birthday. You didn't come for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I
haven't seen you since last summer, and only then when I flew into New
York, for my publisher's party.' How could Sabrina explain the pain she
felt seeing her family, when she didn't wholly understand it herself ?

... No, not seeing her family. Having her family see Nicky. She wasn't
ashamed of him, at least she didn't think she was. But she'd wanted to
do motherhood right, and Nicky hidn't worked. She loved him. She loved
her parents. She watched them watching him, and she felt odd -
self-conscious and guilty, maybe disappointed. And she had trouble being
with J.B. He would stare at Nicky, then declare that the problem was a
spirit that had entered through a hair follicle and had taken control of
the child - or something else equally bizarre. And she had trouble
seeing J.B. Is daughters, who were seven and ten, adorable, outgoing,
and quick. They had all their marbles. Her son didn't, and it hurt. 79
Iit occurred to her to wonder whether she was competing with her
brother, which puzzled her, because she didn't know why she should. But
she had too many things to think about, so she simply said in, response
to her mother's question, ' with Nicky is such a hassle.' '
we want to see him. We want to see you.' ''s been very busy. I doubt
he could take the time.' Tine/was Amanda's reaction. ' him home."
Sabrina gave a dry chuckle. ' love lost there. ''ve always found
Nicholas to be a little stiff for my tastes. And that was even before
Nicky was bom. Is he still being difficult?' ''s okay.' ' he
accepting Nicky any more than he did?' ' still denies the problem, if
that's what you mean.' ' he spend time with him?' ' in a while.

He tosses him in the air, roughhouses a little - anything to give a
semblance of normalcy. I hold my breath when Nicky's head wobbles, but
the worst of it is that Nicholas always manages to get a sound out of
him. The sound may be Nicky's version of a terrified scream - we'll
never know, but it is a sound2 ' Nicholas at all supportive of you?"
Sabrina bowed her head and rubbed the frown lines between her eyes. Her
mother wasn't in outer space now; she was right there, all there,
summarizing the worst of the'situation in a nutshell. ' thinks
I'm an alarmist.' ' of what he thinks of you, he has to have
some respect for the doctors, doesn't he? I It had been months since
Nicholas had gone with 80 to any of the appointments. ' hangs on to
his S., ' like he needs a counselor himself.' Sabrina wanted to
laugh. Nicholas saw himself as in total control of his life. He wouldn't
admit t Nicky had problems. He'd never admit that he d problems himself
. She could just imagine his icule if she dared to suggest marital
counseling. She wanted marital counseling. She wanted something. She
wanted to spill everything, to tell her ,,'@"mother about the wreck that
was her marriage, but she couldn't, she just couldn't. She'd taken such
care in "choosing a husband, finding a man she thought to be stable and
successful. Her parents had had reservations About Nicholas Stone from
the first, and for reasons similar to that her mother had just narned -
they'd thought him to be Establishment to the core, which wasn't saying
all that much, given Amanda and Gebhart's nonconformism. And it
certainly wasn't a case of saying that they'd been right. Nick's
conservatism hadn't destroyed the marriage. Life had done it. Fate had
done it. When things had soured and the chips were down, Nicholas and
she were no good together. Neither could offer what the other needed.

They let each other down. They clashed. ' will come around in
time/ Sabrina ventured. ' hope so for your sake. What will you do if he
doesn'tv ' don't know.' It was as close as she could come to admitting
that the marriage might be doomed. ', sweetheart.. *' '. Pretty
depressing, isn't itv ' do need to get away. Why not come for my
party and plan to stay for a few weeks?' 81 But the problem will be with
me whether I'm here or there, and the advantage of being here is that
there are a few trained people I can fall back on when I've had it up to
my eyeballs.' ' do need to get away from Nicky for a few days. just
for a breather. If you were to do that every once in a while, youd be
able to manage just fine. You wouldn't have to think about putting the
child in a hospital.' Later that night, then at odd times during the
next few days, Sabrina took the plain white envelope from its spot
between pages 209 and 210 of the book on the headboard shelf. She read
and reread the message inside. She listed the pros and cons of her
returning to Parkersville, reviewed them time and again in her mind.

Inevitably, she refolded the paper, returned it neatly to its envelope,
returned the envelope to that safe spot in her book and the book to its
shelf. Maura Coryelle was a bundle of energy. She was by profession a
literary agent, but at any given time she had her fingers in a dozen
other pies. She'd had grand successes and gross failures, but she was a
survivor. She bounced back. Single, and generally on the make, she was
alternatively an angel, a devil and a minx. She was wily. She was loyal.

She made the society pages of Town and Country as often as Sabrina. She
told jokes that were more than a little off color, and her'conversation
was peppered with swear words. She was just what Sabrina needed. A week
had gone by since Sabrina had talked with her mother. Six days had gone
by since she'd resumed canng for Nicky. Her husband's face had been as
scarce as ever during that time. ', Maura/ Sabrina said with a
voluminous sigh 82 ents after the maitre d' seated them, ''s great to
be out of the house. It's great to be in a restaurant. And @,it's great
to be with you. Not in that order, of course.' ' course/ Maura said
with an acknowledging nod. ' you can't fool me. And I know just what
the attraction is. As we get older, we revert to our youth. I represent
your youth.' Sabrina and Maura had'been high school pals in- San
Francisco, and a more improbable friendship wasn't often to be found.

They were different in looks, background, personality and aspirations,
but they complemented each other and had continued to do so even through
the college years when they'd come East - Sabrina to Columbia, Maura to
NYU. Their relationship now had the benefit of history. _ ' represent
my adulthood/ Sabrina corrected. ''s been so long since I've been out
for lunch that I feel like I'm playing grown-up.' With a regal air that
she pulled'off with grace, she settled her elbows on the velvet arms of
her chair, looked up and around and caught the eye of the wine steward.

He was at their table seconds later. ''d like a dry Vouvray, please."
The steward nodded and left. Who's picking up the tab?' Maura asked.

"Me.' '.' She relaxed and sat back. ' we . 21 celebrating.

"We're relaxing.' '-oh, things are as bad at, ever at home? Sabrina
held up a hand. '. Not today., ' do you mean, not today? I '
don't want to think about home. I'm tired of hearing myself whine all
the time. I'm as bad as Nicky ... unnnh, I don't want to talk about it.,
83 ' this is me. Maura. If you can't pour out your heart to me, who
can you pour it out to? I Sabrina set her chin at a confident angle.

"I'm not pouring today. So. How's work? By the way, you look terrific. I
love your hair. I Maura shook the mass of Ion& Titian waves back from
her face. ' thought I'd try life as a redhead.' ' is it? I ' bad.

Hmmm, pretty good. Actually'- she gave a Cheshire cat grin, leaned
forward and lowered her voice to a conspiratorial level - ''s fuckin'
great! I met a guy last night who is not to be believed. I mean, tall
and dark, good-looking as hell, silent, mysterious - and an absolute
dream in bed.' ''s his name?' ' name? I A moment's pregnant pause
preceeded a mischievous shrug. Sabrina stared. ''re kidding.' Maura
shook her head. ' could you not know his name? ' was part of it,"
she explained excitedly. ' was fantasy from the word go. Our eyes
caught in the elevator of the Park Lane; we kept tabs on each other
through three hours' worth of dinner with other people at the
restaurant; he was at the door when I was leaving, escorted me around
the block, in the back door of the hotel and up to a room on the
eleventh floor. it was unbelievably romantic. I ' was insane. He could
have been a mugger. Or a pervert. For that matter, he could have given
you something. Have you stopped to consider that?' ' should I
consider it with you here to do it for me? That's why our friendship
works, Sabrina. You're rational. I'm impulsive.' Sabrina realized that
she'd summed it up pretty well. 84 Maura counted on her practicality;
she counted on Maura's freshness. Not that picking up a guy in an
elevator thrilled Sabrina ... ' can relax/Maura went on. ' was
okay, really he was. He's a lawyer from Houston.' '?' Maura
sucked in her lips and rounded her eyes. The expression said, '
should I know?' She said, ' said no.' ' you give him your name?"
"Why in the hell would I want to do that? ' he could contact you
again?' Tut giving him my name would have been too easy. I made a point
to drop the names of a few of my more prominent clients. if he's
interested in finding me, a phone call to any one of them will do the
trick.' ' clever.' '. But the fun was in the anonymity of it,
the naughtiness, don't you see?' Sabrina didn't see at all, but then,
she was the nesting type. Maura was not. ''ll take your word for it/
she said with a smile for the wine steward, who had returned to present
the bottle he'd chosen. ' looks fine., After the bottle had been
uncorked, a sample tasted and approved and their glasses filled, she
raised hers. ' freedom. I '? Where did that come from?' Sabrina
was at that very instant asking herself the same question. Images
flitted through her mind - of prisons, one, on Fifth Avenue, the other
in the Berkshires. She dislodged them with a tiny, almost imperceptible
shake of her head. ' don't know. It just came. See what you do to me?"
"I wish I could do more to you/ Maura said. She 85 sipped her wine and
carefully set the glass down. ' wish Icould get you to write again."
"Work is slow?' Sabrina teased. Vork is never slow! ' you can't be
missing me. What're you into now!' ' books? A little music, a
little art. And lots of cheesecake.' Sabrina covered her face with a
hand and moaned. ' don't believe it, Maura. Cheesecake?, ' that kind
of cheesecake. Cheesecake cheesecake - you know, the kind you eat? I met
a girl who makes the most delicious cheesecake you've ever tasted
plain, chocolate, marble, raspberry, you name it, and in any shape and
size. Baby Watson moooove over.' ' good?' Sabrina asked, amused now
that her faith had been marginally restored. She still wasn't sure about
the fellow at the Park Lane, but at least Maura's mind wasn't stuck in
one track. q'hat good. She's ' running a small catering business out
of her house, but she'd like to do something bigger - I mean, much
bigger, with factories and trucks and nationwide distribution - only,
she needs financial backing and has no idea how to get it.' ' is
where you come in.' '. And why not? Christ, I haven't got much to
lose. If I put the deal together, I get a percentage, which could turn
out to be pretty damned sweet if the cheesecake sells., ' will it?"
Sabrina asked gently, almost apologetically. ''s been around
for a while. You won't be breaking any new ground, and you'll be
competing with well-established companies., 86 Maura leaned forward,
looked to either side, then whispered, ' do goose eggs ... grab
you? ' eggs? I '! What I'm telling you is confidential,
Sabrina. Yes, goose eggs ... as in what the golden gooselays ... except
made of cheesecake. Think of the marketing possibilities. The upwardly
mobile American is watching TV at night, gets a little hungry, goes to
the freezer and reaches for a treasure., '. I see. Nhumm, that's
interesting. y Maura pulled a crestfallen face. ' don't like the
idea.' 11 do; it's just that you took me by surprise. Somehow I wasn't
prepared for goose eggs., ''t you dare laugh, Sabrina Stone., ,
trying not to, Maura, really I am.' ' it, I wouldn't have to muck
around with cheesecake if you'd give me another book to peddle.' ''m
not the only author you represent. y ' you're the best. Whenever I
see Normarraguire, he asks about you. He's still selling your first."
Sabrina had written a biography of her paternal grandmother, whose ork
with the Tennessee Valley Authority in the 1930s had been legendary, The
book was historically exact and presented a view of those times not
often seen. ' are snatching it, up for textbook use, libraries
want it - but you know that. You're still seeing nice royalties. Norm
will pay top dollar for another. And don't tell me that the money isn't
important/ she said as Sabrina was about to say just that, ' it
doesn't have to be the money. You could do it for the intellectual
stimulation. You could do it because you were meant to be a writer. You
could do it to show up J.B. Or you could do it for something as pure
and simple as ego gratification. How about it? 87 Sabrina took another
sip of wine. Do you think I'm competing with J. BJ' ' didn't mean -' 11
know you didn't, but I'm curious, because I was wondering about that
myself not long ago. I've never been aware of being in competition with
him. It's always been a more general thing, not so much competing with
my family as establishing a separate identity.' ' sounds about
right. But you're evading my question. Why won't you write?' ' time."
Maura made a face. ' make time for what you want.' ' circumstances
are extenuating.' 11-faven't you heard of hiring baby-sitters?' ''t
work with Nicky.' ' look tired, Sabrina. You need a break.' Sabrina
rolled her eyes. ''m serious/ Maura went on. ' was always an
outlet for you. Why not use it to help you now, when you- need it most."
11 don't want to talk about this/ Sabrina hummed in a soft, impromptu
tune. ' I wantyou to write! Sabrina looked at her friend and sighed.

"Oh, Maura. It's not'only a matter of time and space. It's a
psychological thing. I feel emotionally shriveled. Bone dry. The
creative juices aren't flowing. Right now, I'd be hard pressed to name a
topic about which I'd have the slightest interest writing.' But there
was one topic. It stayed at the edge of Sabrina's mind through the rest
of her luncheon with Maura and came to the fore only later that day,
when 88 She was putting Nicky through the motions, repeatedly and with
monotony, of reaching for an object he wanted. She could write about
Derek. Flis experience interested her. She felt an affinity for him. On
the surface, their situations were as different as night from day.

Beneath that surface, she wasn't so sure. There were similarities. She
could explore them. It was as valid an excuse as any for returning to
see him again, she thought.
Chapter 4.

When Sabrina arrived at
Parkersville this time, there was no delay. The guards found her name in
their book, and she was promptly searched and escorted to the visiting
room. Again she arrived before Derek. Again the room was uncomfortably
warm. This time, rather than sitting, she waited by one of the windows.

A thick lock held it shut. She wished she had the courage to ask one of
the guards if she could release the lock and let in a little air, but
she remembered what Derek had said about the heat. it promoted docility,
a desirable quality as far as prison administrators were concerned.

Sabrina didn't feel at all docile, or sluggish. Adrenaline was pumping
through her veins as it had been doing since she'd left New York. It was
a percussive sensation, a rhythm that cried, Whatre you doing what're
you doing whatre you doing? I'm not sure I'm not sure I'm not sure, was
all she could answer. She shifted her voluminous twill topcoat from one
arm to the other, ran a hand across the back of her neck, then raked her
fingers upward through her hair, letting the thick flaxen strands fall
as they would. She thought calm, cool and collected. She felt antsy and
unsure. With a concerted effort, she fixed a steady stare out the
window. She couldn't quite understand the necessity for bars. They made
a statement, that was all. A prisoner who managed to elude the guards in
the room and make it through the window. would escape nowhere. He'd find
90 self on a narrow ledge thirty feet above the prison or whatever it
was that lay below. She'd always thought of a prison yard as resembling
an urban school playground - concrete underfoot, wire fences all around
- but what she saw wasn't so much that as an open area of walks that
spread weblike toward various outlying buildings. Grass and shrubbery
edged the walks, though most still had the drab, dried hue of winter. It
was barely the first of April. ' place/ came a sardonic
observation from a point over her shoulder. Sabrina didn't have to look
around to know that the voice was Derek's. She turned, wanting to see
him. She'd pictured him many times in the last six weeks, more so in the
last two. He looked as strong, as dark-haired and brooding as she'd
remembered him. But good. Strangely good. The unsureness she felt began
to recede. ' was just thinking/ she said, ' the greenery will come
alive in another month. Do the inmates do the gardening?' ''s a
detail for lawnwork.' ' men must fight over it. Being outside has to
be better than doing floors or bathrooms.' @ ' is, and they do. Not
that there's much point in fighting. Work details are assigned by the
front office. You can express a preference, but it's usually a case of
being in the right place at the right time or, more often, taking
whatever's'open. You either get a good assignment or you don't, and if
you don't ...' He shrugged to finish the sentence, then lapsed into
silence, but he'd said a lot in one breath.'She took that to be an
encouraging sign and asked, with a tiny head toss toward the window,
"Where do all the paths lead?' ' fences.' Within the fences?' 91
-rhere are six houses.' -fou don't call them cell blocks?, ' here."
Does that mean they're less prisonlike? ' necessarily.' ' the
living dormitory-style?' ' some.' ' yours?' He shook his head. The
encouraging sign Sabrina had seen was nothing but a memory. She tried to
decide if she'd said something offensive. Her questions had been simple,
spawned by sheer curiosity. She hadn't been critical. She wondered if he
had simply gotten out of the habit of talking, and that possibility
seemed a crime in itself. He'd been a talker by profession - actually a
question-asker, but he'd had plenty to say in the course of his
interviews, and she was sure that in the planning of stories he'd said
much more. He was a man to call the shots. Standing beside him, she felt
not so much the warmth of his body, since the warmth of the room
overrode most else, but his sheer size and physical presence. He was an
imposing figure. His hair was windblown, almost defiant in its tumble on
his brow. That same wind had painted faintly ruddy patches on his
cheeks. His jaw was firm-set and deeply shadowed, lending him an air of
mystery. Pride squared his shoulders, drawing his shirt smoothly across
the muscular swells of his chest, causing his name and prison number to
glare boldly from the cloth. He wore his jeans low and beltless. His
legs were endless. Peripherally she noted that his scar had faded, but
she was busy trying to decide whether his eyes held 92 little bit of
warmth she craved. His voice gave y; it was a guarded band of sound.

"The drive ' was easier today/ she said lightly. ' snow.' He nodded.

"I noticed that some of the trees out front were tapped.1 ''s sugaring
time.' Does the prison make much syrup? ' for one morning's worth
of pancakes.' She thought she saw a wry twitch at the comer of his
mouth, but if so, it was quickly controlled. Sighing, she glanced toward
the paved webwork outside. ' imagine that once spring comes the walks
might actually look pleasant.' ' might, if you can overlook the
chain-link fences, the barbed wire and the guard towers.' She shrugged
and gave a tiny smile. ''t have it all.' Derek, who had been feeling
his way since he walked into the room, was mesmerized by that tiny
smile. More than that, he was amazed to find her there. Even more than
that, he was amazed that he still wanted to find her there. - It had
been six weeks. After she'd visited last time, after he'd sent her the
note, he'd waited for her to come. And waited. And waited. Rationally,
he'd known that she couldn't possibly understand how slowly time passed
behind bars, one minute dripping slowly into the next like cold, dark
molasses. She couldn't know how much he needed her visit. Irrationally,
he'd been furious that she'd kept him on tenterhooks for so long. He'd
also been furious at the system that made him sit and wait until she
chose to 93 visit. He didn't like feeling helpless, and
sixteen-anda-half months' worth of practice hadn't helped. When he'd
been informed that she was here,.he'd felt a renewed spurt of that fury.

It had dissipated somewhat during the walk to the administration
building. He still felt it, but it had competition now. For everything
she'd been in the cracks on the nighttime ceiling of his cell, she was
more in person. ' got your note/ she said. ' you. After last time,
I wasn't sure what you were thinking.' Derek was thinking that he was
allowed a beginningof-the-visit embrace and that he'd be a fool not to
take it, but he couldn't. Sabrina was untouchable. Pristine and pure.

She was off limits. So why had he asked her back? ' wasn't sure
myself.' ' seemed annoyed that I'd come.' ' was.' 11 fty? He knew
the answer. The question was whether he wanted to pass it on. He
pondered that for a minute, finally deciding that the humiliation
wouldn't be quite so bad if he admitted to being humiliated, which he
could do in a proud sort of way, or so his reasoning went. ' man
doesn't always like to be seen in surroundings like these.' Vhat made
you change your mind? ' haven't. I'd still rather be anywhere else."
"But you changed your mind about my visiting. ' Thursday afternoon
work assignment is lousy. I don't have to do it if I have a guest.,
"Mmmm. That's flattering.' He shrugged, but this time she was sure she
saw- a tiny kernel of warmth somewhere in the depths of 94 those gray
eyes of his. It was that tiny kernel of warmth that took the sting from
his next words. , took you long enough to get here.' ' time isn't
always my own.' Did you leave a number for the sitter?' Wot quite.' Why
not? I secause they don't need a number. If they =1 function without me
for a day, then they're not worth the money I'm paying, and I'm paying a
whole lot. Besides, it's nobody's business but my own where I go and
what I do during my free time. God only knows I have precious little of
it.' He grinned, and if she hadn't been so surprised at her own
outburst, she'd have caught her breath, it was so beautiful. It was
lopsided, as though rusty, yet it lightened his face, took ten years off
his looks, displayed fine, even teeth land a dimple in his cheek ...
actually, it was more a slash than a dimple, but it had the same
heart-stopping effect. He looked more mischievous than she wanted him to
look. ' a sore spot, did IV he asked. She would have indulged him
anything just then; smugness was the least of it. ' so.' ' feel
your life has been taken over?' ,., ' what I feel.' She
sobered. ' can't.' Derek, too, grew serious. His eyes held Sabrinals,
held them and wouldn't leave. He saw so much in her, so much goodness,
too much goodness. She said the right things at the right times with
just the right inflections, and there was nothing programmed about 95
any of it. Held have known if there were. Her eyes betrayed her
thoughts. ' shouldn't have asked you to come/ he muttered. "Nhy now
"You don't belong here. You're too clean.' She thought of all the things
she'd done wrong in her Iffe, things she was still doing wrong. ' don't
think so.' ' not? ' did something awful this morning,' she heard
herself say. ' was getting dressed to leave New York, and Nicky was
fussing. I'd already worked with him and fed him and bathed him and held
him, but I had to puthim down so I could do things for me. And he kept
fussing.' She took a quick breath, but the words weren't to be stopped.

"The therapist wasn't due for a while, but I wanted to be on my way out
the door when she came in the door. I don't know why Nicky was so cranky
- then again, I suppose he wasn't any crankier than usual, it's just
that I had other things on my mind. I was anxious to be gone, so I guess
I was tense. He fussed and fussed. I thought I'd go out of my mind
listening to that awful whine over and over and over again. I tried to
coo and cajole, but nothing worked, so I lost my temper.' The radiator
hissed its disapproval, but Derek showed none. ' did you do?' he
asked. ' spanked him. I ' kid needs a good spank every once in a
while.' ' Nicky's not ' kid.' He can't help what he does. And I
yelled at him. I yelled. I yelled that he was a selfish little brat and
that I hated him. I Derek had thought himself pretty hardened when it
came to other people's problems. He was surprised, then, when he felt
her dismay. ' that hurt., 96 P.@ @W, sed, her
hand kneading es.- one had her arms cros in the same way he'd seen her
do weeks re. She took a shaky breath. '/ she said, ' have I-thy
faults., 11 wouldn't call that a fault.' Sellowing at a child who can't
help himself V ' were venting your frustration. I'm sure Nicky
grasped that., ' you kidding? Nicky doesn't-grasp a thing!' ' he
didn't grasp the spankin& and he certainly didn't understand the words
you said.' That gave Sabrina a moment's pause and Derek a moment's
gratification. She was thinking that he had a point, though she still
felt like a heel for what she'd done. He was thinking that he liked it
when she got a little upset, because he could calm her down. It gave him
a semblance of control, something he hadn't felt much of lately. He
decided to goad her a little more. ' your husband know you've come?"
"No. That's another of my faults. I can get around it by saying that
he's away., ' he? '.' ' was away last time, too. Did you tell him
you'd come then?' '.' -Why not?' ' wouldn't understand. Besides, he
was upset enough that I'd left Nicky for so long. I didn't see the point
in compounding the error.' ' you always have to wait until he's gone
to sneak off?, ''s gone more often than not, so it's not a question of
sneaking.' 97 susiness must be good.' ' that, or he's got a hot
mistress on the side., She shot the ceiling a helpless look. ' can't
believe I said that. It must be the warm air in here.' She was feeling a
little light-headed. It had to be the air. ' you uncomfortable? '
the heat? A little.' ' this prison.' ' little.' ''s honest.' '
try/ she said, but she was puzzled. She did feel that she could he
honest with Derek, which was why she was blurting out the little things
that she'd otherwise have kept to herself. But she didn't understand it.

For one thing, she'd thought she was going to have to measure each word,
to sort out the acceptable from those that were offensive or tactless,
but she wasn't doing that. For another thing, there were guards in ' ihe
room, guards in the halls, bars Ind fences and electronic surveillance,
and still she felt free. It had to have something to do with Derek, with
the fact that he was removed from the rest of society, that he had pain
just as she did, that on some very basic level she trusted him. As she
stood there looking up at him, she thought of trust. She also thought
about how tall he was and how broad his shoulders. She'd dumped the
incident with Nicky on those shoulders, and they'd held it well. Somehow
she'd known they would. Derek, who'd spent the last sixteen-and-a-half
months fighting for his life, would very happily have drowned in her
eyes just then. He didn't get the chance, though, because the moment was
shattered by the crack of the door as it slammed on its hinges. His 98
head shot around. One of the guards had taken off after a prisoner who'd
left in a fury. ' wasthat about?' Sabrina whispered, shaken. Derek,
too, was shaken. He thought he was used to the sudden spurts of
violence, but he was wrong. Vho knows/he muttered, then cleared his
throat and forced a look around. ', want to sit down?' She nodded. He
led the way, to a pair of chairs, let her choose one and sit before
following suit. This time he sat closer, facing her with his chair
turned only enough to allow for leg room. And Sabrina didn't mind. She
wanted the closeness. Derek was her buffer from the prison's darkest
sides. @Are you okay?' he asked, searching her face for the kind of
momentary panic that he knew from experience could hit when the prison
air closed in. '-huh.' ' look tired.' ''m always tired.' He gave
her a very slow, very thorough once-over in an attempt to lighten the
mood. ' you do look springlike.' The once-over had been nice - not
lecherous or suggestive but cognizant of her femininity. It wasn't often
nowadays that Sabrina felt feminine. A shrew wasn't feminine. Nor was a
diaper changer or a strained-beef feeder or a mini-limb exerciser. She
liked feeling feminine. It relaxed her. It brought a flush to her cheeks
and made her feel a little less tired and, yes, even a little
springlike. She plucked at her sweater. It was a cotton knit, white with
splashes of pale blue and peach, and it fen low over a long, peach
skirt. ' time my sweater was mohair, and I thought I'd melt. This
one's cooler.' 99 She tucked in her chin and studied the sweater. '
March I'm sick of winter. I need a pick-me-up. A new sweater does the
trick every time., She cleared her throat. ''s another of my faults.

"What is? Suying.' ' like to spend?' She raised her eyes to his and
announced, ', not spend. Buy.' ' buying requires spending.' '
the spending is incidental to the buyin& which is the part I enjoy. When
I get upset, I buy. It's not boredom, because God knows I have enough to
do when I'm free without running over to Third Avenue. And it's not to
spite Nicholas, because I support the habit myself. And it's not because
I need anything ...' She didn't have to finish. ' pamper myself, I
guess. I keep looking for a deep psychological meanin& but I can't find
one. When I get upset, I buy.' Derek was thinking that if Nicholas Stone
pampered her, she wouldn't have to pamper herself. He was thinking, that
Nicholas Stone was a fool, but it wasn't a new thought. ' do you
buy?' '.' He waited for her to go on, arched both brows, even
opened a palm in invitation. When she said nothing more, he coaxed,
"That's all? just sweaters? ''s enough.' ' quite a collection,
do you?' ''ve been upset a lot, lately.' He studied the sweater from
hem to collar, making careful note of the curves along the way. '/
he murmured, then quickly raised his eyes. ' sweater ... it's perky.,
And you're right about March. Manhattan always was pretty dreary this
time of year.' 100 ' -hasn't changed.' She paused, took a breath. '
-bout it much? ot when I can help it.' ' time, you mentioned reading
the paper ... No/ e corrected herself, ' said you'd seen recent es of
my husband, so I assumed you read the paper.' , do., ' that bother
you?' ' rubbing salt on the wound?' She nodded. , bothers me, but
it serves a purpose. Prison life is totally regulated. It's monotonous
and boring. It's marking time, going nowhere, doing nothing.' He stopped
speaking. His. eyes clouded. Sabrina could see him begin to turn off his
thoughts and tune out the world. But she didn't want him to do that. '
on/ she coaxed. He held, her with a blank stare, for the space of
several breaths, before chasing off the cloudiness and resuming. '
are days when I feel like I'm suspended in time, like my mind is on
hold. Reading the paper helps. It's frustrating to see the rest of the
world pass me by, but at least I won't be emerging from a total vacuum
when I'm released.' Vhen will that be? Three to seven isn't really three
to seven, is it?' ''ll be up for parole after serving two-thirds of the
mimmum.1 ''s two years. Do they credit you with the time you spent
awaiting trial?' ' right.' ' you could be out in eight months."
"Seven and a half.' ' think about it a lot/ she said unnecessarily.

101 I think about it a lot.' She let her own mind wander seven and a
half months ahead and couldn't imagine what her life would ' like
then. She couldn't go on as she was now; she knew that. There was Nicky
and Nick and the matter of her own identity ... loose pieces that didn't
fit into the puzzle, and until they did, she could only plod on. Vhat do
you want to do when you get out?, she asked, then sat helplessly by
while his features hardened. The hardening took nothing from his
handsomeness, but it distanced him from her. ' I want to do is very
different from what I will do., ' with what you want.' ' want to
go back to doing what I did before., ' Insight was canceled."
Abruptly he grinned, that same heart-stopping, halfmischievous grin that
brought a dimplelike slash to his cheek, and this time she felt it full
force. ''t that greatv he asked. It was a minute before she could
rebound enough to gather her wits. She was a yo-yo and Derek held the
string; he tossed her away, then brought her close, tossed her away,
brought her close. He set her off balance, but she didn't mind as long
as he flashed that grin from time to time. Tm, uh, is it ... great? If
it's been canceled,'it isn't there for you to go back to.' His grin
persisted. ' do you know why it was canceled?' His self-satisfaction
was a dead giveaway. She said, '/ and gave a sage nod. ' ratings
plummeted/ he went on, savoring the explanation, however superfluous.

"Mind you, I didn't 102 t gobs of supporting mail when I was on trial,
but after I was gone, something must have been missing from the show."
The grin faded. His voice dropped, and though his words were innocent
enough, his tone had an edge. ' stole hot shots from other shows,
but it made no difference. The mix wasn't right anymore. It was poetic
justice.' ' do you mean?' He shrugged. ' was working on a story for
the show when the shit hit the fan. It's kind of nice to know I wasn't
the only one soiled.' ' personal revenge?' He looked off, pushed out
his lips in contemplative hion, wanted to say, ' yet, baby, not yet,
I but '&'t. Particularly in its planning stages, revenge was private
and very, vezy personal. Sabrina saw the look in his eye and wanted to
get away from the topic of revenge as quickly as possible. It was
dangerous and ugly and frightening. ' what you meant/ she said, '
that you want to return to investigative reporting.' ''s right."
"And the discrepancy between want and will?' '.' it took
her a minute to follow, and when she did she was skeptical. ' one will
hire you? I don't believe that, You have the talent. You have the name.

You obviously have the following, if what happened to Outside Insight
accounts for anything. Fame, notoriety - both work in the field of
entertainment.' ' killed a man, Sabrina/he said tightly. She didn't
blink. ' know.' ' may not bother you, but it sure as hell may bother
Ms. and Mr. Middle America out there.' 103 q was under the impression that
your audience was a little more savvy than the average.' ', not all;
and besides, before I get to the audience, I have to pass through the
producers and the network. If they think that potential sponsors will
shy away from a murderer, I'm sunk.' ' you acted in self-defense.' q
was convicted.'He could feel the agitation growing, as it always did, at
the injustice of it. The day-to-day hell of prison We was controllable
through carefully constructed defenses and mind-numbing techniques; the
mental anguish wasn't. The agony held felt when the jury's verdict had
been returned had long since become a visceral thing. Frustration spread
through every muscle in his body like a noxious gas, making him
wire-tight and clammy. if held been in his cell, he'd have dropped to
the floor and done push-ups to oblivion. Now, though, all he could do
was to tap his foot, clench his jaw and say, ' was found guilty.' '
jury doesn't have the final say. Not in this day and age./ ', I'm
doing time! How much more final a say - I '!' came a sharp bark
from one of the nearby guards. Derek whipped his head around in time to
see the guard arch a brow and aim a rigid thumb toward the door. ''s
cool, I he said, holding up both hands. ''m cool.' With carefully
measured movements that belied the pounding in his chest, he turned back
to Sabrina. She was staring at his neck. Her fingers flexed, then left
her lap. Derek was caught in a crossfire. He wanted her touch. He
wanted, no, needed, no, was desperate for something soft and warm and
caring. But he was . 104 "--,1tpmted His skin was infused with prison
air and prison grime, and if she touched him, she'd feel it and be
repulsed. indecision held him immobile for seconds too long or perhaps
it wasn't indecision at all, but the reverse. Held be touched. He'd see
what she felt. Feather-light, her fingers probed the ridged scar. This
is new/ she said with unnatural calm. Vhat happened?' Her fingers
remained on his skin. Not repulsion. Oh God. in the space of a blink, he
tuned out the guard and his threat, the jury and its verdict, the future
and _its haze. He concentrated on those small spots of heat where
Sabrina's fingers gently touched his skin. Re didn't want to move,
didn't want to rock the -boat, scare her away, unintentionally dislodge
her fingers, lose her touch for any reason. Breathing as shallowly as
possible, he said, ' was cut.' She gave him a do-tell look, then
whispered, '?' "A razor.' ' you're going to tell me you were
shaving '/ he murmured back, still barely moving, barely
breathing, ' of the other guys was shaving. Two of them started to
fight. I got in the middle.' The words echoed in his mind, reverberating
in and around other words spoken years before and worlds away. He was
ten. He was trying to worm his way out of a beating. His mother had him
by the scruff of the neck and was shaking him ... But it wasn't his
mother's hand on his neck. It was Sabrina's, and the only shaking going
on was something akin to a tremor deep in his belly. She moved her palm
to cover the scar, letting her fingers curve gently around the back of
his neck. His muscles were drawn tight, but his skin was warm. Her 105
forefinger tangled readily with the hair that fell over his nape. ' it
had been a little more to the front - 11 know, I he bit off. Vhy can't
they protect you?' ' can't be everywhere at once. They can't see
everything. Anyway, it was my fault. If I'd kept to myself - ' ' this
one?' she asked in the same whisper. She splayed her fingers so that her
thumb grazed the scar by his eye. He swallowed hard. ' small price for
preserving my chastity.' ' God.' Her eyes enlarged, filled with the
same kind of horrible images he still saw too often himself. He hadn't
wanted to taint her, but he was doing it. Her hands wouldn't show the
stain, but it would linger in her mind like black ink spattered on fine
white silk. Forgetting everything but the need to undo the damage, he
covered her hand, pressed it to his neck. ''s okay, Sabrina. It's
okay. A scar isn't so bad.' ' you could have been - ' ' wasn't.' He
smiled crookedly. ' into a humdinger of a fight, though. You
should've seen the other guys when I was done.' ' plural?' She
choked out another, ' God/ more high-pitched this time. ', it's
okay. I got all of them - a punch here, a kick there. Bam, wop, splat -
I was a regular Batman and Robin rolled into one.' Her whisper jumped an
octave. ' can you joke about it?' ''s either that or go crazy.' He
lowered her hand, but he wasn't letting go. Instead, he propped his
elbows on his thighs and held her hand between his knees. He liked the
feel of her skin, which was smooth, and the 106 1 '40 her
bones, which were delicate, and the feel of '1W fingernails, which were
neatly trimmed, wore a Wat of clear polish and looked eminently
feminine. ' did it happen?' she asked. ' long time ago.' She
tightened her fingers around his. '?' Miree weeks after the trial."
"You were in another prison then.' He nodded. ' security. Ironic,
isn't it?' ''s disgusting! I she said in an angry whisper, then
,:forced herself to take a calming breath. ' don't under- why you were
there in the first place.' . -'Classification. It's routine.' Her gaze
fell to where their hands were joined. His ,,fingers were as long and
strong as the rest of him, and they-retamied. a gentleness while his
voice had grown )iarder. ' happens during classification?' He slid
his thumb up and down her forefinger and found a small, lightly scabbed
nick. ' cut?' WO, I misjudged a diaper pin. What does
classification entail?' The scab was a point of reference on her hand;
he Itraced it again, then again. ' tests, psychological
evaluation, medical workup, analysis of the record - crime, sentence,
criminal history, aptitude for violence. They decide where to send you
based on the results.' ' you were transferred after that. Was it very
different there from here?' ' some ways.' When he didn't go on, she
squeezed his fingers. fwhat ways? I ' don't want to
hear.' ' you don't tell me, I'll imagine.' 107 He stared stonily at
the faint pencil pad on her middle finger. ' really don't want to
hear.' ''ll imagine the worst.' Vhy should you imagine anything?' he
asked. ' have enough grief of your own. You don't need mine.' ''m
tired of my grief. Give me a diversion.' He grew very still. His eyes
were focused on the meeting of their hands. His hair tumbled over his
forehead. The wind kiss on his cheeks had long since faded, leaving the
shadow of his beard darker than ever against his prison pallor. Though
he'd argued that she didn't want to hear, there was more. He didn't know
if he wanted to tell her about what it had been like in maximum. Prison
was little more than an animal cage, and he was one of the animals. It
was degrading. He ran his thumb over the ridge of her knuckles, then
slowly dropped her hand, straightened and said the only thing he could
think of to avoid the discussion she wanted. ' don't think I like being
a diversion.' Sabrina's hand felt naked. She buried it in her lap,
curling her fingers under the low ribbing of her sweater. ' few minutes
ago, you told me that you asked me to come because my being here would
get you out of work. Did I get offended? '.' ', you have no right
to get offended now.' ' take whatever rights I can get, because there
aren't a helluva lot that come my way.' ''ll rephrase that, then. You
shouldn't have been offended, because I didn't mean it derogatorily. A
diversion can be good and positive. I meant it that way. You give me
something else to think about.' Taken in its broadest sense, the
statement was 108 Derek's eyes reflected the revelation, but he ' sn" d
noth sabrina wondered if she'd overstepped her bounds. ' knew that
she was being a little foolish, a little shortsighted and more than a
little unfair to Derek. To --cover up her faults, she raced on with
perhaps a little pore spirit than she normally would have. ', my
whole world revolves around Nicky. I've become a very boring,
one-dimensional character. You're not the .,only one who feels penned
in, you know. Maybe it's a matter of misery liking company.' I ' pen
has doors. You can walk out anytime you want.' ' like a man who
has never been a mother.' He had no proper retort for that and could
only offer a begrudging, '.' ' it's also true that you relax more
when I talk about Nicky. I've seen it, Derek. Six weeks ago ... today .

..,you listen to my problems, and for a few minutes you forget about
your own. Mine are a diversion for you. Why shouldn't yours be a
diversion for me?' ' because I don't want to talk about them."
"Oh.1 It was her turn to sit. straighter in the chair. '.' She
looked at him, then looked away. The coldness was back, and she didn't
want to see it. He was the felon again. The convict. The murderer. His
features were granite-hard, his expression nearly as steely as the bars
through which she'd passed to see him. The silence between them
lengthened. She thought about cold steel. Did convicts, bring it in with
them, or was it something-they caught from the bars, inhaled like
asbestos, poisoning the system? Movement caught her eye, but it wasn't
Derek's. He 109 was sitting in his chair, offering her a hard-carved
profile as he glared at the window, looking for all the world as though
Michelangelo had told him not to breathe. The movement was from one of
the other visitors who was leaving. Sabrina wondered if she should do
the game. If Derek didn't want to talk, if he was tired of her chatter,
if he'd suddenly decided that his Thursday afternoon work detail was
preferable to her company after all ... ' difference between maximum
and medium security/ he began coolly, ' one of degree. The bars are
thicker, the locks louder, the body counts more frequent, the privileges
more sparse. If this were a maximum security prison, we'd be separated
right now by a wall of thick wire mesh.' Sabrina wasn't sure why he had
changed his mind about talking, but she felt as though she'd been given
a reprieve. She wasn't ready to leave yet. ' atmosphere must be much
more oppressive, then.' He took his time answering, finally saying, '
and no.' She waited. When he didn't elaborate, she said, ' ,-with
yes.' Derek worked the muscle in his cheek as he stared at her. He
wanted to talk, but he didn't. He wanted to share, but he didn't. His
toe tapped the floor, beating the rhythm of energy crying for release.

"There are the obvious reasons why maximum is more oppressive/ he began
tightly. ' freedom. Less choice. Every hour is programmed. Body
counts are more intrusive. Visiting is more restricted. Privileges are
fewer and farther between.' He barely paused for a breath. Pandora's box
had been opened; the evils were spilling out. Sabrina was convinced that
the airing was healthy, still, she 110 :'t help but feel that
there was something of a You wanted to hear, lady - well, hearl in his
presentation. ' maximum, the nature of the beast is different. Inmates
there have been in the system longer. often -they've committed more
serious crimes. More violent ones. The average sentence is longer.

Hopelessness, despair - they're greater, if that's possible.' His eyes
grew distant. Whether he'd planned it or not, he was slipping away, down
the black tunnel that had shaped his experiences for the past months.

"There's no trust. Terror moves freely, back and forth between the bars.

The *inmates fear each other; the guards fear the inmates. It's
something you can almost smell and taste and feel. Like hatred.' His
Adam's apple moved. ' bigotry. Or suppressed violence.' Sabrina
could see it all on his face. His eyes were dark as pitch beneath
low-lying brows. A fine sheen of sweat covered his skin, like an ill
that had emerged from inside him with the spilling of his words. Tension
rode the bridge of his nose. His nostrils flared with each breath. His
lips curled in disgust. He was there. He was in it. He lived the fear
and the hatred, the bigotry and the -@iolence, suppressed or otherwise,
because he had no choice. He was in a terrifying world, and because he
had to go along to survive, he was one of them. A stranger. Sabrina
didn't want that. She knew the Derek he'd been before, the one who was
calm, creative, capable of compassion. She believed that he still
existed, even if he was momentarily overshadowed. So she pushed on. '
no? I He blinked. His shoulder twitched. He drew himself back, clearly
confused. ' second half of the yes and no/ she explained gently. '
what ways is the atmosphere here as bad? I He gnawed on the inside of
his cheek until held found himself. '. The sense of
helplessness and dependency and emasculation. It's there wherever you
turn. Maximum ... medium ... doesn't matter.' ''d think/ she said,
'that those things might be worse for you than for some other men.' His
dark eyes asked, ' so?' ' contrast, one life to another. I don't
picture you as ever having been helpless. To suddenly be that way-/ I
"Is infuriating. But is my fury any less than that of the man who has
always been helpless and is now even more so? Take the guy who's in for
armed robbery. It's his third conviction. Why does he keep robbing
banks? He's out of a job, out of cash, he feels helpless, so he dreams.

He robs banks to make those dreams come true. He robs banks with a gun
'mi his hand for the sense of power it gives him. Then he ends up in
here, where he's even more helpless than he was before. He turns on the
TV in the rec room or picks up a paper and sees how the rich and famous
five. And you think that he doesn't feel fury? ' the kid who steals
cars. Again and again he steals cars. Why? So he can tool down the road
totally free, on his own, independent, the big man and his powerful
machine. He's picked up by the police for ninning a Stop sign.

Twenty-two years old and it's his fourth conviction, so he winds up
here. Bye-bye freedom. Byebye independence. Bye-bye macho man.' He'd
been working himself into a pious rage, but the air suddenly left his
balloon. He slumped back in his seat, crossed his arms over his chest
and scowled at 112 e floor. Then he touched Sabrina with his scowl en
route to anchoring it on the window. She gave him a minute. When he
didn't budge, she asked, ' more talking?' He shook his head. $you have
a lot to say. If you could write it down He shook his head. rwhy not? I
"I can't write squat.' She pursed her lips and nodded. '-huh. Sure.

The illiterate investigative reporter.' ' illiterate. I can read."
"But not write. Uh-huh.' ''s true. I had the ideas. I did the
interviews. I could stand in front of a camera and talk for an hour, but
I couldn't write it down.' lare you dyslexic?' He let out an impatient
breath. ', I am not dyslexic.' , ' you have some other kind of
learning disability?' ', Sabrina.' ' why can't you write? It
doesn't make sense., If you have the ideas, all you have to do is pick
up a paper and pencil, or sit down. at a typewriter and go to it., He
drew his scowl from the hapless window and bestowed it on her directly.

"Life isn't laid out in blacks and whites. It isn't tied up in neat
little packages with the contents listed on the front. How in the hell
do I know why I can't write? Do you know what's wrong with your son?' It
was a cheap shot. He regretted it the instant it left his mouth, when he
saw her crumble. Swearing softly, he came forward, bracing his elbows on
his thighs and his forehead on the heels of his hands. Head bowed 113
her like that, he could be very close without meeting her eyes. ''m
sorry, Sabrina. But you push me. I'm a little tense.' She wanted to
touch him, wanted to stroke his hair and tell him that it was all right,
that he could be tense with her and that she wouldn't mind as long as he
didn't go all dark and brooding and angry. But she was afraid to touch.

Touching him was dangerous. Last time she hadn't wanted to let go. '
suppose/he said, still without looking at her, that I don't have the
patience to write. I could never sit still long enough when I was a kid,
and I get a bad taste in my mouth when I remember the measures taken to
make me do it. I have patience for most other things. just not writing.

So I talked my thoughts to my assistants, who wrote them down and
polished them up.' He darted her a quick glance around his hand. '
can't write about this place.' ' I do itv He dropped his hand from
his head and steepled his fingers between his knees. ' you want to
write about bank robbers and car thieves, be my guest.' She came forward
to meet him. ' want to write about you.' He shook his head. ' notv
Tecause I say not.' ' why?' she asked, then argued softly, ' same
people who watched you week after week would read your story in a
minute. They identified-with you. They'd want to read about the things
you've seen and experienced.' ''s, sick.' ' on, Derek. If you
were back on Outside 114 @,,@_Jnsight and someone else were here in your
place, you'd do a story on him.' ti ''s different., ' so?' '
is me.' Do as I say, don't do as I do?' ' like that., ''d
make a great book.' '.' ''d be an outlet. You could tell your
side of the story. It's done all the time. Colson did it, Dean did it
film not Colson or Dean/ Derek snarled under his breath. ' knew
exactly what they were doing when they did it, and they deserved what
they got. The crime was compounded when they cashed in. Books, the
ecture circuit - they squeezed by before the Son of Sam law took effect.

I don't want or need the money -' - ' do 1. But think of the
satisfaction you'd get - 1 '.' ''d give you something to help pass
the time.' ' don't need anything to help pass the time. I still have a
whole wall of holes to count.' '?' ' the guy before me threw
his dart. One wall has six hundred and eighty-seven holes, the other has
ight hundred and ninety-eight. just think of the wrist action involved."
"I'm riveted/ she said with a dr y twist of her lips, but in the next
breath the twist was gone and her tone grew urgent. ' could do it,
Derek. I could write your story and do it tastefully. Biography is my
field.' ' don't have the time to write.' 115 , know.' ' why did
you suggest it?' ' it feels right.' ' if you don't have the
time - ''ll find it! I Their heads were close, shoulders almost
touching. He inhaled the faint jasmine scent that wisped around her. She
had a wide-eyed look that held more than a hint of desperation. it was
one of those times when he felt in control. He took her hand, then spoke
in a voice that was quiet, even gentle. ' I talked with you at your
place that time, you said that you don't write because you don't have
the psychic energy left after dealing with Nicky all day. Has that
changed?, '. But it has to soon.' He studied her face. ''re going
to Vermont from herer She nodded. ' it the place for Nicky?' q think
so. I'm meeting the director for dinner. I'll talk with more of the
other personnel tomorrow.' ''t your husband be therep She gave a
short, high, sad laugh. '.' ' he won't go. He can't face it."
"No.' ''s a schmuck.' She tipped her head and shrugged, but she wasn't
feeling at all nonchalant about the facts. Suddenly she felt very close
to tears. ' have to go/ she whispered. ' know/he whispered back. '
wish I could stay longer - ' He put a finger to her lips. '.' The
finger moved, so lightly that at first she thought she'd imagined it.

Upper lip ... gentle arch ... tiny dip ... lower 116 a slow circle,
setting sparks along the way. it went round. Her lips softened, parted
on a short breath, and she wasn't imagining any of it. The sparks turned
inward, spiraling in similar slow circles through her chest. This time
the breath she took shuddered. I 1 11 want to kiss you so bad I can
taste it/ he whispered. His eyes were coal-black, but the coal
smouldered, spreading faintly glowing embers to his cheeks. ''t/ she
gasped. She curled her fingers around his wrist but didn't pull his hand
away. She just held on, held on. ' ant to.' ' I'm married.' He
brought his other hand to her face and watched his fingertips trace her
eyebrows, then her cheekbones. ' people kiss people other than
their mates.' ' the' way you'd kiss me/ she whispered halfdazed, then
rushed on in the same breath. ' have to leave.' ''ll come again.' '
don't know.' He held her face. '.' ' don't know.' His thumbs inched
over her cheeks, callused pads whispering. ' have to.' ''s not
smart.' ' it anyway.' ', I can't think.'. ' listen/he
commanded in a deep murmur that was hoarse and intimate enough to send
tremors down her spine. He kept her face imprisoned, and his hands were
the least of the chains. ''re going to stand up. 117 I'm going to put
my arms around you and give you a hug.' '-' 11 need to feel you
against me, even if it's just for a minute.' ' - But he was already
rising, and her body went to his as though it had learned the way years
before. His arms encircled her, then tightened when he felt her palms
sliding up his back. He held her close, savoring her feel from head to
toe. A warm body. A heartbeat. For all his deficiencies, Nicky Stone did
know a thing or two. Derek heard the shallow intake of Sabrina's breath,
the whimper that was muffled against his throat. He absorbed the rapid
tattoo of her heart and the fine tremors that arced between them. He
whispered her name, but it was lost in the thickness of her hair.

"Derek?' ''t talk. ''m frightened.' ,., ' life is such a
mess.' ''s mine. Can I kiss YOU? '.' ' need your mouth, Sabrina."
She tucked her head lower, but that mouth he needed was parted, warm
lips burrowing into the dark tufts of hair at his open collar. He felt
hard, tasted hard, smelled of man - and she was beguiled. Will you come
back next week?' As she shook her head, her lips brushed over that V of
flesh. ' week after?' ' don't know/ came her muffled reply. 118
"I'll think about letting you write your book., She went still, then
raised her head. ' will? ''ll think about it. I won't make any
promises.' Her heart was pounding. She was aware of every long inch of
him, of the power that lay in wait beneath muscle, of the heat that
could consume in a minute. She was a married woman. She had a sick child
on her hands. She should turn and run and never look back. ' weeks
from today/ she-whispered. ''ll try., Then she freed herself from his
arms and beat a hasty retreat.

Chapter 5.

Three weeks from that day
was the twentieth of April, and Sabrina spent the twentieth of April at
the hospital. Nicky had gone into convulsions the night before. Once the
doctors had set to work, he quickly stabilized, but finding the cause of
the seizure was slow. Sabrina wasn't able to reach Nick, who was in
Dallas. She tried repeatedly through the course of the night, but if he
was at his hotel, he was neither answering the phone nor receiving the
urgent messages she left. She was furious. It wasn't that he could be
doing anything more than she'd already done if he were in New York:
Nicky was at the best of hospitals with the best of doctors. But sharing
the ' would have helped. She could have used some emotional support
through the long hours of waiting. Nick had let her down again. - Dawn
found her curled in a chair in Nicky's room. The child was sedated.

Wires radiated outward from various points on his tiny body, offering a
steady readout of his condition. Sabrina felt as though she were
monitoring it herself. She was exhausted, but her eyes wouldn't close.

They clung heavily to the shape of her son, leaving him only
periodically to glance at one or another of the machines. Her mind
churned. She thought frightening thoughts, frustrated thoughts,
discouraging thoughts, dismaying thoughts. Her emotions ran the gamut,
leaving her stretched to the limit. 120 just when she thought she would
snap, memory of rek came from the comer of her mind where she'd stashed
it, and her tension eased a bit. Held held her wim such strength. She
wanted that strength now, oh she did. She wanted a hand to hold or an
arm around her shoulder. She wanted someone to lean on, to talk to,
someone to see her pain and understand it, someone to assure her that no
matter how hopeless things seemed, they'd get better. Wrapping her own
arms around her middle wasn't the same, but it was better than nothing.

She shifted her weight from one hip to the other, tucked her stockinged
feet beneath her and let her head loll against the wiged back of the
chair. She focused on Nicky's small chest as it rose and fell, rose and
fell with the typically quickened cadence of a child and with such
regularity that she wanted to scream. That everything should look so
right but be so wrong was cruel! From time to time she glanced at her
watch, shifted position, glanced at her watch again. Shortly after nine,
when the clatter of the breakfast trays that had never been. brought to
her intravenously fed son were a memom she left the room. Wedging
herself into a comer of the phone booth down the hall, she called
Parkersville. She fully expected that she wouldn't be allowed to talk
with Derek, and that was the case, but she conveyed her message and was
told that he would receive it. '. It's critical. He's expecting me
to be there this afternoon and I can't make it.' ''ll get the message/
said the male voice at the other end of the line, but it sounded
terribly uninterested to Sabrina. '? Will he get it soon?' She could
envision one 121 of the guards sauntering toward Derek in a day or two
or three with a crumpled piece of paper in his hand. It bothered her to
imagine him thinking, for even a minute, that she'd lost courage or
given up on him or just plain forgotten. ''ll get it.' ''s very
important - ''am, he'll get it.' Hearing annoyance in that voice, she
decided not to push her luck. Very quickly, she repeated her message,
then hung up -the phone and returned to Nicky's room.. Nurses came and
went. Doctors stopped by, new ones with the new day to ask the same old
questions. When had the seizure occurred? Had Nicky ever had one before?

What had she done with him that day, where has she taken him, what had
she given him to eat? With each repetition of the story, her guilt grew.

She fought the feeling, but her defenses were down. Nicky's seizure was
somehow her fault; she'd done something wrong; she'd failed him'agami.

By late afternoon, she was beginning to feel as though she should be the
one hooked up to wires on the bed, not Nicky. When the image of 1. B.

Monroe materialized before her, she wondered if she'd truly lost it. J.

B. was the last person she expected to see. He might have been the last
person she would have wanted to see if the circumstances had been
different; but when he walked through the door of Nicky's room shortly
before six, she wasn't about to argue. She needed someone, and if her
brother was the only one there, he'd have to do. At thirty-eight, J.B.

looked like the California dreamer who'd never grown up. His hair was
long and blond, his skin tanned. The round, metal-rimmed 122 that sat on
his nose gave him the air of an aesthete, which his distracted
expressions did nothing to deny. He wore his clothes as loosely as
possible, as though anything beyond shorts - in this case a shapeless
blazer, baggy shirt and pants and canvas shoes - were offensive to the
flesh. He could pull it off and look chic largely because of his lanky
frame and his ., which was well over six feet and had been
inherited from his father. From his mother he'd inherited the aquiline
features that-made him a frightfully handsome cad. There was no mystery
as to how he'd come by his writing skill. His oddness was another
matter. Amanda and Gebhart were alternately thought to be unusual,
unconventional and eccentric. No one had ever called them odd. Everyone
called J.B. odd. He had the personality of a toad. Hands tucked in his
pockets, he came to a halt beside Nicky's bed. His gaze rode above it to
the comer of the room in which Sabrina sat, and he chucked his chin her
way. She would have run to him had he been the type, but for all his
laid-back beauty, J.B. wasn't a toucher. , knew that held kissed
his wife on their wedding day because she'd seen it -with her own eyes.

She couldn't recall though, ever seeing a repetition of it or a hug for
either jenny or his daughters. Likewise, as a brother he had never been
physically demonstrative. So she sighed his name, then asked, ' did
you know?, ' maid.' He turned his attention to his sleeping nephew
and stared emotionlessly for what seemed forever. He was still staring
at the child when he said, ' flew in with a manuscript. Thought we'd
celebrate.' , J. B.1 123 ' timing sucks.' '.' He crinkled up his
nose, but only in an attempt to boost his glasses higher. No sooner had
his features settled back into place when he tuned out. His expression
went blank. He didn't move. He studied Nicky in a deep and profound
silence. Eventually he returned to the world with a quick breath and
said, ' looks like Mom.' ' you.' He thought about that for a long
minute'that ran into three, finally nodding. After another minute he
said, '? The kid's a walking disaster.- ' doesn't walk.' 1.

B.'s shrug said, ' difference.' After a time, his voice added, ',
what is it now?' The invitation was all Sabrina needed. She'd had no one
to talk with during the long hours, and she desperately needed to share
the grief. ' suspect he has a mild form of epilepsy. Can you believe
it, 1. B3' She hugged her knees to her chest, letting the covering of
her long skirt compensate for the propriety the pose lacked. ' last
night I've been praying that they'd find something concrete - maybe a
brain tumor. I know that sounds awful, but at least it would be
something solid and treatable and maybe it would explain Nicky's
slowness.' She took in a breath that was audibly shaky. ' ...
epilepsy takes us nowhere but downhill.' J. B.'s attention had shifted
to the machine closest to him. Most people would have looked at the
dials and buttons and digital display. Not J.B. Hands still in his
pockets, he was leaning this way and that, studying the sides and
undersides of the machine. '? They've ruled out most everything
else.' 124 -He straightened and looked at her again, this time in the
same way he'd been studying Nicky, with a , that was somehow
intense. The look was frightening; it gave most people the willies. But
Sabrina was used to it. She knew enough to let him stare to his heart's
content, while she looked wherever she felt like lookin& which at the
moment was at her son. Nicky did resemble his uncle. The child's hair
was more brown, but the nose and mouth were the same. And the unfocused
eyes. J. B.'s eyes were often unfocused. For a while Sabrina had
wondered if her son's dazed looks and reluctance to speak were nothing
more than a baby version of J.B. Monroe's oddness. The thought hadn't
thrilled her, but the alternative was worse, and she'd been grasping at
straws. B.'s voice cut into her thoughts. ''s Nick?' She batted the
air in disgust. ''s an asshole/ was J. B.'s verdict. ''s doing
business.' ' should be here.' ' telling him that, if you can reach
him. I can't.' ' he doesn't even know Nicky's hospitalized?' '."
She dared meet J.B. s gaze, wondering what she'd see, but there was
only that same concentrated void. For the first time in her life, she
found it an odd comfort. She wasn't in the mood to be judged.. Without
fully emerging from the void, he said, ' want coffee/ and invited her
along with the toss of his head toward the door. ', I don't know ...
maybe I should stay.' ', the kid's out of it.' I ' may wake
up.' ' he does, one look at you will scare the shit out of him.' 125
8@ She shot him a dry glance. '.' He-repeated the gestured
invitation. A short time later they sat facing each other at a small
table in the hospital cafeteria. To Sabrina's surprise, J. B., who
normally carried plastic instead of cash, not only had cash - which was
all the cafeteria accepted - but had insisted on buying her dinner.

Actually, he'd bullied her into it by telling her that she looked like
death warmed over, and he'd put the comed-beef-and-cabbage plate on her
tray before she could escape. ' hate corned beef/ she said with utter
calm. ' know that, J.B. I've hated it since I was five.' He
transferred the comed beef to his own tray and helped her to some meat
loaf. '. B ...'she warned. Meat loaf came second only to comed beef
on her list of dislikes, and J.B. knew that too. He was being perverse.

When he exchanged the meat loaf for the stuffed chicken breast she might
have otherwise enjoyed, she didn't bother to tell him that she wasn't
terribly hungry. She didn't have the strength. Now, though, he was
perversely urging her to eat. She cut a piece of chicken and, pushed it
around her plate, but she was far more interested in the coffee, which
was all she'd really wanted. Her stomach was upset. She just needed
something to keep her awake. J.B. ate with his typically absent
attention, concentrating on his food as though it were anything but food
and he were anywhere but there. Sabrina did manage to eat a little, but
she was on her second cup of coffee before her brother returned from
wherever his mind had been. ' me about Nick, I he said. Nick was the
last person she wanted to discuss, but 126 B. had sprung for dinner, she
felt she owed him setting down her cup, she tipped up her chin and '
would you like to know? y did you marry him? I Her chin dropped right
back down. She'd expected something neutral, something to do with
business. %'Vhat kind of question is thatv He was staring at her again,
distractedly dissecting her through the lenses of his glasses. ' you
love him?' A tiny frown crossed her brow. '.' ' you still? I She
opened her mouth, then closed it without saying a word. ''s never
here. Are you separated?' ' on, J.B. /Ar 21 e you. ' course
not.' ' themarriage stinks.' Vho said that?' ' one had to. I've
been there.' J. B., your marriage was different from mine from day one."
"Maybe. But still I can see it. You're angry, and it's not the kind of
anger that'll go away. Nick isn't here when he should be, and you're
angry.' She shook her head. ''m too tired to be angry. ''re still
angry. And you have a -right. You had certain expectations when you
married him. He was your Prince Charming. He wooed you in high style. He
did all the traditional little things that Mom and Dad called corny. He
was steady and dependable and devoted. I thought it would last, Sabrina.

I really did. I thought you'd make it last. You managed for eight years
- 127 ' eight,, she said, abandoning all pretense of denial. Her
brother had seen through it anyway, and there was something about the
way he was speaking - the insightful, rational, personal way he was
speaking - that was uncharacteristic enough to demand a straightforward
and honest return. ' eight. Five.' J.B. lapsed into a prolonged and
pensive silence. He separated the saltshaker from the pepper and sugar,
turned it one way and then the other, studied its contents, scrutinized
the tiny holes on top. Then he crinkled his nose to hike up his glasses
and said, ''s not Nicky's fault.' 1AFhat isn't?' ' marital
problems.' , know., 1VVhen alien spirits intrude - ' no.' Sabrina
bowed her head. She knew it; he'd been too eloquent when he'd been
talking of Nick. J.B. was only eloquent when he was weaving a tale, or
about to. ', J. B.' ' what?' ''t start. We've been
through this so many times before. I can't take it now. 1 ' my theory
hasn't been disproved.' ' because the doctors can't put their finger
on the specific cause of Nicky's brain damage doesn't mean that he's
been taken over by foreign spirits.' ' the possibility is intriguing,
Sabrina. What if - ' now/ she pleaded. 1. B. had pale green eyes like
hers. Unlike hers, his had an iridescent quality that was visible only
at certain times and was nearly as eerie as the stories he wrote.

Sabrina saw the iridescent quality just then and knew that, short of
getting up and walking away, she was in for an earful. She chose the
earful because, 128 and all, J.B. was her brother and she needed to
with someone close. And, anyway, she was too tired A, move. ' if/ J.

B. began, using his lean fingers to frame sc nario, ' go on the theory
that Nicky was over at birth by a spirit that entered his body ,@
"through. the incubator hose. just suppose that this "-,,bpjnt is of
superior intelligence. It's been grooming Ic y k for the past three
years and-will probably keep up awhile longer, until the indoctrination
is complete.' ' spirit of superior intelligence is going to adopt a
kid whose body doesn't work. Try again. Vhy do you think Nicky's body
doesn't work?' he asked smugly. ' spirit is concentrating on his mind
V, i while his body lies lax. His body has to lie lax for the .,spirit to
do its thing. For all we know, Nicky is incredibly brilliant already.

The development of his brain may be far beyond anything we can
comprehend. ' may be lying there looking at us, seeing so much more
than we could ever see. He may be feeling sorry for us because of our
limitations.' ''s a lovely thought/ Sabrina said, ''d have no
objections to having a genius for a son. But what's the punch line? What
happens when his body suddenly It: comes to life? Will he start killing
off all of us inferior 0 souls?' , B. shook his head. ' spirit is
peaceful. Its purpose is colonization.' ' it an alien spirit, as in
coming from outer space?' :1 Another headshake. ' only thing alien
is its form and level of intelligence.' ' where did it come from?"
"The center of the earth.' "g, Sabrina rolled her eyes. ' on,
B. You can do 129 better than that. Hasn't the center of the earth been
done before?' ' like this. We're talking germs that have existed
since the planet was first formed, germs that have incubated in the heat
of the earth's core all this time and only now are ready to emerge.

Nicky isn't the only one whose body has been taken over; there are
others like him. We think them to be retarded or autistic or comatose,
but one day they'll band together and form an incredibly advanced
society.' ' will they know each other?' He eyed her impatiently.

"Their brain waves will mesh. They're brilliant, Sabrina. Mental
telepathy is just one of their talents., ' see/ she said, then asked,
"Is there a happy ending to Nicky's story, at least?' ' don't know/ J.

B. answered, sounding not at all upset. Every one of his books involved
some sort of violent or near-violent conflict. He clearly loved the
fray. ' some point, the humaii race as we know it will begin to feel
threatened and try to control the core force. If it comes down to an
out-and-out conflict, we won't stand much of a chance.' ' guess I'd
better try to stay on Nicky's good side, then.' ' would.' For a long
time they regarded each other in silence. Sabrina was thinking that,
iridescent eyes and all, there was something sad about her brother. As
wellknown as he was, he had no close circle of friends. With his habit
of tuning in and out and his proclivity for silence, he was hard to get
to know. His fascination with the macabre made him hard to like. He had
women, but there was no pattern to his tastes. Socially, he was pretty
much on the outside looking in. 130 are times/ Sabrina said - as she'd
wanted to for years but hadn't had the nerve, ' I don't how
seriously to take you, J. B.' You're not the only one., ' you take
yourself seriously? usually/ he said, but he was as serious as she'd
.ver seen him. B He answered her with a somber stare. 11 don't know what
to do about Nick., Divorce him.' A mall involuntary sound came from her
throat. s /Y ou don't need him, Sabrina.' I divorce him.' can t Vhy
not? Is o many reasons ... I can't begin to explain ... I confu I very
sed.' You deserve better.' Through the muddle of her mind, Sabrina
registered compliment. It was the first she could remember '
receiving from her brother. Ironically, it made her re vulnerable,
thereby adding to her confusion. ''s '. I can't handle him on
my own.' ou've been doing it all along! ut ere are decisions to be made.

If he has to be tm institution - J. -B. interrupted her with an oath
that effectively ressed his disapproval. She jumped to her own W@_
defense. ' have to. He's not getting, better. And now K K K K he's prone
to seizures. I don't think I can do it all much longer.' Get day help.,
"I can't. At least, not enough.' ' settle for less.' 131, ' can't.,
"Don't do it, Sabrina. He's your son. Don't lock him up with a bunch of
head-bangers and droolers.1 Tears sprang to her eyes. ''t say that.

"Don't do it.' ' he's one of them, J.B. Why can't you all see that?,
J.B. drifted off. His expression grew vague. Eyes on Sabrina, he dug at
the Formica tabletop with his spoon. At length he set the spoon down and
said, ' because it's too painful. You're the realist. You try to
see things as they are. I'd rather believe that he's in the hands of a
spirit emerging from the earth's core and that he's on his way to bigger
and better things.' Sabrina was momentarily without a retort. She'd
never heard J.B. talk of himself that way. She'd never thought he
understood himself that way. She'd been shortsighted. It took a minute
to compose herself. '/ she said, ''s just one of the decisions
to be made.' She reached for her purse. ' me a sec. I've got to
try Nick again., When she emerged from the phone booth a few minutes
later, J.B. was leaning against a nearby wall. ' him? I She shook
her head. ''ve been leaving messages for twenty-four hours and he
hasn't answered a one?' She sent him a pained look. ' him,
Sabrina.' II can't./ ' not?' ' need him.' ' don't.' ' needs
him.' 132 didn't even bother to answer that one. in frustration, she
blurted out, ''d be alone, B.1 sowhat? l i,.,That scares me. I went from
home to college to age. I've never been alone in my life., ' he
asked, and lapsed into another one of his .4taring trances. Sabrina was
about to scream when he something that she didn't expect. He touched
her. -He closed his hand around her arm and started her walking down the
hall beside him. @cholas called her that night after J.B. had brought r
home. e made no apologies for his inaccessibility, ly asked her about
Nicky, said he'd be home late $Jmp e next day, then hung up. Sabrina
didn't take him to task as she might have. Al"'For one thing, she was
too tired; she wanted-to get off W, e phone and go to bed. ther, she was
unable to talk to Nick without For ano about her talk with J. B., and
when she did t her mind clogged. She didn't know what to do. rn '
was hanging by a thread. She had probilems with Nick's behaviour, his
attitude, his style. But was her husband. And still ... and still the
one she really wanted to OK- _`dflnk about was Derek. He represented
another fife, another world; and in that sense, thinking of him was .4
relief. He was an escape - ironic, but true. Sick as it sounded she
found his problems refreshing. The thought that he might let her write
his story after all excited her, and she was badly in need of a little
excitement. Nicky was awake the next day. The doctors wanted to '
him under observation for a non-sedated twentyf -hour period before they
sent him home. There our 133 was always the chance they'd see something
they hadn't seen before - some tiny symptom, or the breath of a clue
that could lead to an explanation for all the rest of his problems. An
explanation could lead to treatment, treatment to a cure. Sabrina's
battered hopes rose. But in vain. Staff pediatricians, residents,
interns, specialists, nurses - no one saw a thing. Nicky made up in
crankiness what Sabrina had been spared the day before. She was more
than a little cranky herself when she finally saw the child to sleep,
took a taxi home and found Nick in the den with his feet on the coffee
table and a neat whiskey in his hand. ' home/ she said from the
door. Silent, he studied the ice in his glass. ' did. you get in?"
"Several hours ago.' Several hours ago? ''ve been at the hospital. You
might have joined me there.' ' had a lot to do here.' She stood very
straight. She didn't speak. She clutched the strap of her bag hard and
waited for him to explain himself. All he did was raise his glass and
take a drink. ' hospital, Nick. I've been at the hospital.' Het voice
began to simmer with tension. ' son is still at the hospital. Aren't
you curious to know how he is? ''m sure he's fine. I ''s not fine!

He's epileptic! Without looking at her, Nick asked, ' will he be
home?' '.' 1"hat's good.' ' so? Have you missed taking care
of him? Or is it the hospital bill that bothers you?, 134 It be flip."
-Ws compressed, she sucked in a ragged breath. It It taken much to snap
what meager control she'd ' you know what I've just been through,
_1as?' J thought our sonwas the one-' L Do you have any idea what it's
like to walk into the at night and find your baby convulsing? Or to d
hour after hour watching him breathe along th the bleeps and hums of a
dozen machines? Or to t endlessly for the doctors to give you the
results of PA, tests and then find that they have nothing good say? No,
you don't know. If you did, you'd allow me be flip or anything else I
chose to bev He took his eyes from his glass long enough to send a look
of disdain. ''re getting worked up.' ' think I have that right.

Where were you, Nick? For VL, twenty-four hours you were totally out of
reach. I the hotel. I called the office, your secretary, your F11
-,",.,vice-president. I called the hotel again. And again. I
1kh"11"'-felt like a perfect fool. Where were you?' A ck of his wrist
sent the ice shimmering round 2,,"in s ass. He was following the
circles. ' clients ectedly asked me to their house.' ' twenty-four
hours? And you never gave anyone ' a thought during all that time?

Didn't it occur to you to check in? You have a son whose health is iffy;
what if something really critical had happened?' y ' s fine.' _k,
Okay, forget Nicky. Think about your dad. He's seventy-nine and has a
heart condition. He has no 4V,@, '1014e, no siblings, no other children
but you. What if something had happened to him? Or to me? What if I'd
'had a cerebral hemorrhage, or been hit by a taxi or something?' 135
Nick thought for a minute before speaking, and then his voice was
measured. ' a message to that effect hadd been left, I'd have answered
it.' . She caught her breath. ' son being sick wasn't enough?' She
rubbed two fingers to her forehead and murmured more to herself than to
him, 11 don't believe it. You deliberately chose not to call me back."
"I knew you'd be on top of things. You thrive on dealing with doctors."
His sarcasm was blatant. Vhat does that mean?' ' love it, Sabrina.

You love running from one doctor, one specialist to the next.' He must
have found satisfaction in the drop of her jaw, because he went on in
the same vein. ' drag Nicky to a new doctor at the slightest excuse."
q don't - it's not - ' even if that weren't so, I knew you'd do fine.

You're used to dealing with doctors., ''m used to dealing with them
because someone has to and you're never around!' He set down his glass
and looked at her. ''m never around because this place is depressing.

If Nicky isn't fussing, you are. I'm tired of it, Sabrina. I've had
about as much as I can take. I want out.' His words hung in the air,
echoing, echoing. But it wasn't only his words. It was his look, his
tone, his manner. '-excuse me?' she asked. ' heard.' He dropped his
feet to the floor. 11 want out. I came back here early and did as much
packing as I could. I can get the rest another time.' Sabrina commanded
herself to be calm, but she was shaken by the thunderous pounding of her
heart. Knowing that she needed to sit down, she moved as smoothly as
possible to the nearby armchair. 136 was staring at her, but it was a
totally different from J. B.'s. J. B.'s was harmless. Nick's was It was
the antithesis of the loving husband's and was hardened by the
defensiveness that came th i-It. "'it's over, Sabrina. There's nothing
left. You said it elf, only you didn't have the guts to say fini. I'm
doing it. I'm leaving.' lust like thaw lust like that., She tried to
gather her thoughts, but she was shocked. Sure, she'd thought of
divorce. Deep in her "heart, she'd known that was where she and Nick
were A, ",headed. But she'd expected a little more time to pre-
,,@@'pare. She'd expected that in the end she'd be the one leave him,
rather than vice versa. ' timing is off/ she said quietly. 11 should
have done this months ago.' q hadn't realized that living with me was
that bad.' ' didn't used to be. We had some good times to th . But
those days ended when Nicky became your personal crusade. And it's
living with what you've become that's so bad. I can't take the constant
whining.' ' you talking about Nicky or about me?' Soth.' ' might
have helped. If I'd had a little support - ' how? I can't stay
home from work to change diapers, and even if I could, I don't want to.

If you'd had any brains yourself, you'd have gone back to writing after
Nicky was born. Then you wouldn't have sat around analyzing every little
thing he did or didn't do. You wouldn't have taken Dr. Spock as the
be-all and end-all. You wouldn't have constantly compared Nicky to other
kids.' 137 - Wait a minute, Nick, ' she said shakily. ' was perfectly
happy right after Nicky was born. If I recall correctly, we both agreed
that I wouldn't do any work for the first six months so that I could
devote myself solely to him. You wanted that as much as I did. And I
didn't look for things to be wrong, as you suggest. But by the time
Nicky was three months old, it was obvious that something was wrong and
it got worse from there. Now, after three years, can you honestly,
honestly look me in the eye and tell me that Nicky is normal?' Nick
looked her in the eye. '., ' admit it! I He regarded her with
disgust. ' should see yourself, Sabrina. Gloating over something like
thad' '? No, Nick. But if nothing else comes out of this horrid
mess, your admission is something. Now that you admit Nicky has a
problem, maybe you'll see about getting him - and us - the help we
need.' ' you're thinking of counseling, it's too late. There's too
much anger. And there's Nicky. He's alive. He's here. He's not going to
go away.' ' are places for children like him - ' won't make that
decision.' ' three years, I've tried/ she raced on without hearing
him. ''ve tried everything - physical therapy, hydrotherapy,
electrotherapy, reward-and-punishment, patterning - the list goes on and
on. Nothing's worked. Nothing's going to work. And that's not my
judgment; it's the judgment of many of the people who work with him.

Nicky marks time, while I go backwards. There are good private places,
Nick. I've been visiting one in Vermont that would give him the best
possible care. The idea of putting him in an institution makes my 138
Im" omiach chum, but it's the only thing that makes sense-I Nick didn't
even respond to her mention of visits to ... Vermont, which said
something about his lack of emotional involvement with her daily life.

"Maybe. Still, I won't make that decision.' She heard him this time and
went very still. Vhat . you mean?' . INIcky's yours. I'm leaving him
with you. You'll be the one to make the decisions regarding his care."
She swallowed hard. @But he's your son.' You' 11 have sole custody."
That's not fair, Nick/ she whispered, slowly shaking her head. ''s not
fair to push that burden on me.' @,Vhen he simply shrugged and took
another drink, she "mid ''re a coward.' .@, I ' I I, But he wasn't
about to discuss it. ' won't be

"An issue. I'll give you what you
need and I'll be -'generous. The divorce will he amicable.' . Again, she
was struck by the abruptness of it all. "Then, you want to go straight
for the divorce? No trial separation? lwhat's the point?' She wasn't
sure, but the fragments of something deep ' made her say, '
Nicky was out of the house ... if he was somewhere, and it was just the
two of us, as it used to be.. Nick was the one to shake his head this
time. ' could be on Mars, and it wouldn't matter. He'd still be
here, don't you see? Every time I'd look at you, I'd see him and
remember what he was and that we'd made him.'He thrust a hand through
his hair in agitation, as though held only then realized what he'd said.

Bolting to his feet, he glared at her and said, ' it, I 139 don't
want to have to look at you, Sabrina! I don't want to be reminded day
after day, week after week, year after yearv His voice exploded into a
silence that was profound and was broken only by the hand he slapped
against the mahogany doorjamb as he stormed from the room. The next
morning, Sabrina brought Nicky home. She added another medicine bottle
to the collection on the bathroom shelf. She penciled in another point
at the bottom of the long fist of '-to-do-in-case-of's' that she had
tacked on the bulletin board in his room. She put him through his paces
at a very gentle speed and spent most of the time after that simply
holding him to her, rocking him, humming softly when her voice didn't
crack. She took her time bathing him, spent extra time rubbing lotion
and patting powder on his small body. She talked to him, telling him of
all the wonderful things the world had to offer, then she held him
again, held him tight and ched. ' only want to love you/ she sobbed.

"Let Mommy do that ... please ...'

Chapter 6.

brina was largely
paralyzed during the first week ",aft Nick's departure. Caring for Nicky
was one of the s she could do with any semblance of order. e felt oddly,
as though she were waiting to see if ic would change his mind. A tiny
part of her - the A e y feminine part - wanted that, if for no other
=son than that it would give her the chance to tell hian, herself, that
it was over. And that was what the ,:larger part of her knew. What had
happened was for Ahe best. There was no chance of reconciliation;
Meither of them thought it, mentioned it, wanted it. Mhatever had
brought them together eight years before was gone. In its wake was an
amalgam of resentment, disillusionment and disappointment. Nick had said
it -first, but Sabrina felt it too; when they looked at each other, they
relived the anguish of the past three years. Better to be free of that
ugly yoke. She did feel regret when Nick returned to pick up the rest of
his things, but it was a mourning not for , loss of the man but for
the institution that had failed. During the second week, she was able to
think. Nick had said that he'd see she remained financially secure - I
which had been a chauvinistic touch on his part, since she was
financially secure on her own. But she retained a lawyer to represent
not so much her interests, but Nicky's, in the negotiation of a
settlement. Yes, she was financially independent, but the Greenhouse was
expensive. Should she decide to place 141 Nicky there - or in a
comparable institution - she wanted to be assured of Nick's long-range
cooperation. Having opted out of all emotional responsibility, he owed
her that much. By the end of two weeks, she couldn't wait any longer.

She needed to see Derek. She knew that it was crazy that she should feel
better with him than with just about anyone else, but she did. On the
outside he -was tough, the son of a felon and a felon himself. But that
toughness was born of things like anger and humiliation, and in spite of
it all a soft streak showed throu_rh_. She identified with him. She felt
as though they shared very different kinds of pain that were somehow the
same. With his dark side and his moods, he challenged her. And the story
of his experience was just waiting to be written. She wanted the
professional focus it would give her life. This time, rather than being
led to the visiting room in which she'd seen him both times before, she
was escorted to an open yard at one side of the prison complex. There
were trees and benches, half a dozen picnic tables and lots of grass. In
spite of the presence of the guards and the multiple rows of very high,
very thick, very probably electrified wire fencing that encircled the
prison, the overall atmosphere of the yard was more relaxed. Sabrina
chose a bench beneath a large maple. Sun shimmered through its newly
budding leaves to dapple the bench's worn green paint. She sat down and
crossed her legs, trying to look nonchalant when she felt excited and
more than a little apprehensive. She was never quite sure how she'd be
received. Then he came. She caught sight of him at the far end 142 Ahe
yard, a dark figure in denim; she watched him .@'-Apprwch in what she'd
come to think of as the inmate @,.`N, Pjauffle, though it was truly more
a saunter than a *uffle. They all did it; Derek was no different. It was
Slow indolent gait that alternately said, ' don't have better to do/
and, more defiantly, ' don't a what you say, I'll get there
when I get e She didn't know which he was feeling - indif- . defiance -
but by the tilne he was within or et, she saw something in his eyes that
made enty fe t e point moot. That something grew stronger with each
step he took By the time he stopped, she'd risen from the bench, and
in the next instant she was in his arms, being hugged up into his tall,
lean frame. She was aware of feeling an incredible relief, as though
she'd been hanging in midair for the past five weeks and only now felt
safe. But there was more than that. Her ,,""',;,',senses were,
suddenly full in ways they hadn't been W_' A then - full with
the solidity of Derek's body, his warmth his scent, Implausible as it
seemed with her life as messed up 40 his, she felt happy. At that
moment she actually felt Vll happy. ure for a mimite She let herself
feast on that'pleas 1.%,-,@,:'before raising her head. ' got my note,
didn't you?' @',Tl ''d followed up her call with a note to better
explain why she hadn't been able to come. Nodding, he took in her
features one by one. ' the phone message before that?, she asked,
feeling warm all over and liking it. ' little late.' ' I told them
it was urgent.' He raised one shoulder in a negligent shrug. ''s okay
now. At the time I was mad as hell.'And crushed. 143 He couldn't tell
her how held been counting each day of those three weeks, how devastated
he'd been when he'd waited and waited and she hadn't shown, how empty
he'd felt - and how foolish. ''m sorry/ she whispered. Her hands were
clasped loosely around his neck, while his moved slowly over her back.

She felt the heat of his body through her sweater and skirt, thawing
parts of her that she hadn't known were frozen. ' all happened so
suddenly, just the night before ...' She was lost in the depths of his
eyes, which were a richer gray than she'd ever seen them. ''s okay."
"If it had been anything but that, I'd have come.' ' know.' ' was
scary, Derek.' He loved the way she said his name. Even more than that,
he loved the way she was looking at him. He saw hunger in her eyes,
though whether her hunger was for compassion, companionship or sex, he
didn't know. But she wasn't making any attempt to break from his
embrace, even though she had to feel what she was doing to him. His
insides were quivering, and he was growing hard in a place he hadn't
been minutes before. ', Mcgill!' Ice water couldn't have been more
effective at dampening Derek's passion. His body stiffened. He tightened
his hold of Sabrina and whipped his head around. A guard stood a dozen
feet away, gesturing for them to separate. He muttered a crude oath as
he held Sabrina tightly for a defiant minute longer. The guard had to
call his name again, this time more sharply, before he gradually
loosened his grip, slid his hands from her back to her arms, then
finally released her completely. He made a gesture of his own,
indicating to Sabrina 144 should sit. Taking deep, measured breaths, he
his head and ran a hand through his hair. With weight set on one hip and
a finger hooked through ,;,"'f, the beltless loop of his jeans, he glared
at the ground. t @. Sabrina saw his fury and shared his frustration. She
,11,1,@., minted to turn and shriek at the guard who had been
"responsible for destroying a rare and lovely moment. Jaut it was a
foolish impulse, quickly controlled. She waited silently for Derek to
gather himself and join ,', her. Vhy did he do thatv she asked softly.

He sat forward with his elbows on spread thighs and S '`.' his fingers
tightly laced. The muscle in his jaw worked. W His nostrils flared
around each angry breath. ' I'm ine.' She leaned closer,
unconsciously seeking the warmth she'd had moments
before. rwhat do you 1W. mean?' His hardened gaze
roamed the yard. ' discrimmation. I was a somebody in
the free world, so I have to work twice as hard in here.' ' what was
the problem if we were touching?' Wot touching. Em-bra-cing.' '
isn't allowed?, 4.Once at the beginning, once it the end. "'But this is
the beginning.' ' Frank decided the beginning was over.' ''s not
fair.' He s ice I d her a look that started with a sarcastic -twist of
the lips, then softened into a crooked smile :,`--when he saw her
wounded expression. ' fair, huh?' ''ve seen other couples hold each
other much longer -and no one says a word - even when their hands are
all ,4-lover the place. Look over there/ she said, tossing a ance toward
one of the other benches. ''s on his 145 lap, and he isn't treating
her for a scraped knee. If that isn't an em-bra-ce'- she drawled the
word as he had - ' don't know what is.' ''s an embrace/Derek said,
but he ''t looking at the couple on the other bench. There was too
much to see on Sabrina's face, like the brightness of her pale green
eyes and the flush on her cheeks. And the faint smudges beneath her eyes
and the worry lines between her brows. ''s Nicky?' Her gaze flew to
his. She took a deep breath. ''s okay now.' ' he had any other
seizures?' She shook her head. ' have medication in case he does, but
there's been nothing since that first one. I wish I could say, "thank
God", but I'm not sure what's worse - the seizure itself or waiting for
it to happen.' ''s because it's all still new. You expect a seizure
any minute. Once time passes and nothing happens, you'll relax more."
That was what the hospital'social worker had said. Coming from Derek it
sounded less patronizing, more believable. ' hope so.' Derek wanted to
know more. He'd often wondered about Nicky. Since Sabrina had refused to
be interviewed for his story, he'd never learned the history of the
child's illness. And he wanted something, needed something, to
overshadow his darker thoughts. Vhat was he like, when he was born?' '
was a complacent baby for the first couple of months. Actually, he was
complacent even before he was born.' Derek tried to imagine her
pregnant, tried to imagine her stomach puffed and round. He succeeded
too well. The image was lovely. It was also sexy as hell, and his 146
responded quickly. He was glad he was sitting as as. didn't move around
much inside you?' you have morning sickness?' He was a terrific little
kid. Another cruel irony. so happy, so excited about having a baby/ she
d and her eyes, those telling eyes of hers, reflected , that until
they turned bewildered. ' wish I knew -*here it all went wrong.' '
did you first notice that Nicky was differentv on the day he was born/
she said dryly. ' was like every other mother who looks at her child
and worries. From the very beginning I thought Nicky was too still. I
didn't think he was focusing the way he should. Even the little fussing
he did seemed strange, somehow distant, ill-timed, inappropriate,
distracted. But everyone said he was fine and healthy and beautiful, and
I wanted to believe that. So I pushed my worries aside. If you're asking
when I began to take them seriously, it was when I took him to have his
picture taken. He was fourteen weeks old. It was a spur-of-the-moment
thing - I'd been walking through Macy's; the photographer was there; I
thought it would be fun.' ' wasn'tv She shook her head. ' stood in
line watching the .,other children go before us. They smiled and
laughed. A couple of thern were really homely, but still they were
sweet,'and the photographer was good with the ones who cried. She had a
way with kids.' Sabrina paused, sniffed in a long breath and arched a
brow toward Derek. ' with Nicky. He fussed the whole time. She shook
a rattle. She waggled a furry rabbit. She put on a hand puppet. Nothing
worked. She never 147 got him past the fussing stage - forget trying to
make him smile. But that wasn't all.' Any humor she'd exhibited in the
telling of the story faded then, and the line between her brows grew
more pronounced. ' couldn't hold himself like the others, I knew he
wasn't doing well with his head, and rd already asked my doctor about it
and been given li tle exercises to do, but it wasn't only his neck. It
was his hands and his arms, his legs, his whole body. He just ...
drooped ... and looking at him in comparison to those other kids, some
of whom were barely half his age, I knew. I knew.' Needing to give her
comfort, Derek smoothed a strand of blond hair back from her cheek. It
was soft to the touch. He watched it settle over the greater mass of
blond, then dance a little when the breeze picked up. Did the doctors
confirm it then?' She dipped her head slightly in the direction from
which that comfort hid come, but the hand was already gone. ' should
only Eave been that easy/ she murmured. ' Nicky was five months old,
my own pediatrician was still saying he'd be fine. I started seeing
specialists then, and they all said, yes, he was slow, but there wasn't
much that could be done until he was a little older. It wasn't until
he'd hit a year that I finally had a doctor look at me and say, "Your
son is retarded." I Remembering that moment, she wrapped her arms around
herself and dropped her gaze to her feet. She was wearing low heels that
matched the khaki green of her long sweater and skirt. The way the color
clashed with the grass was appropriate. ' never thought I'd face
something like this. It's something that's supposed to happen to other
people - to poor people who can't afford prenatal care, or cruel people
148 sible people k their kids around, or iffespon leave their kids alone
with plastic Baggies, or ... --dumb people.' She raised her eyes to
Derek's. bigoted, huh?' i e, that's all.' she said with a sigh that was
part philosophidiscouraged, ''m paying for my sins twentyhours a day,
seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a and you can add self-pity to- the
list. I know I'm g in it, and I don't care. I really don't care."
Zlself-pity feels good sometimes.' "You do it, too?' '.' And a lot
more often lately, when he'd been tock-hard with no source of relief.

But he didn't want to go into that. ''m surprised you were able to get
away. Who's with Nicky now? Another of the therapists?' ' a matter of
fact, I she said, feeling a tiny burst of strength, ' hired someone
new. Do you remember the @,@'rftaid who let you in when she shouldn't
have?' He @-,',;tiodded, so she went on. ' let her go last week and
4"'hired a live-in nurse who could give me more of a hand Nicky.' '
maid wasn't good with, him?' had a bad back. Or said she had a bad back.

I think she hated kids., ' why did you hire her in the first place?"
"I didn, t., it took Derek just a minute to interpret the look in her
eye. So her husband had hired the maid. ' I'm glad you let her go/
he said. His double meaning was clear and he felt not the slightest
remorse. ' s will ease up for you now.' q hope so/ she said
quietly. TO him, Sabrina. TO him Nick's gone. ' can't get much
worse than 149 they've been. Assuming there aren't any more emergency
trips to the hospital . Her voice trailed off. Suddenly she wasn't
thinking of Nick, nor of Derek's right to know about the separation. She
was thinking of that last emergency trip to the hospital and of the
feelings she'd had. She needed to tell someone. She had held those
thoughts in and held them in, but she needed to tell someone now, and
Derek was there. ' was difficult being with Nicky in the hospital fte
that.' Her voice was small, which was how she ' some ways it was no
different from all the other times I've brought him in for examinations
and tests. I sit and wait and pray that they'll find something, that
they'll be able to give me a specific cause for his problems and then
give him a little pill that will suddenly wake him. up and make him like
other children his age. Little pill, big pill, operation, something,
anything. Lately ...' She rubbed her arm. ' it's been even
harder, because there are times when I almost pray that they diagnose
Idni as having something terminal. I She dared a quick glance at Derek.

"There are times when all I want in life is to hold him, rock him, sing
to him, love him - and other times when I wake up in the morning
bone-tired and trembling, and I go into his room half hoping that
something will have happened to him during the night.' Her voice had
shrunk to a whisper. ''s what I've become.' At that moment, Derek
felt even more compassion for her than he'd felt the first day he'd seen
her on her terrace in New York. If he'd had any doubts about his
capacity for feeling - beyond just sexual feeling - they were gone.

Don't say it that way, I he chided. He wrapped his hand around the point
above her elbow, gently removing the hand that was kneading the spot ISO
Isively. ''re human. Anyone in your position uld feel the same at
times.' ' isn't it awful? I she cried. ' mother wishing her ,,*Nld
dead?' He slid his hand up to her neck, fingers finding their under her
hair to work at her tension. ' don't vnsh him dead, Sabrina. You wish
him perfectly b
"Ithy and normal. But he isn't. So there are times -
despairing times that always pass --.when you wonder if being dead
wouldn't be better than being severely and irreversibly brain damaged."
"It's just that I had such dreams/ she said, and her eyes were filled
with them. ' of him laughin& climbing trees in the park, playing
baseball. He was going to be a swimmer, too, and an A student. He was
7'.1 oi g on to a top college. He was going to be well liked and happy.

He was going to be a leader.' Tears had replaced the dreams. ''s such
a waste.' ' know/ he whispered, then leaned closer and, still
whispering, said, ''m going to put my arm around you Jor just a minute.

If Fat Frank yells, don't move.' He slid along the bench, curved a long,
sinewy arm around ",,":,her back and drew her in. She wasn't aware of
deliberately moving, but somehow she ended up with her face against his
throat and her hand on his chest. Fat Frank didn't yell, and still she
didn't move. Derek tightened his hold. He had his face in her hair and
was inhaling the jasmine scent that was so faint and alluring. He'd
built more erotic dreams around that scent in the last few weeks than he
cared to count. Sabrina did the counting - his heartbeats as they echoed
against her palm - then wondered whether the heartbeats were his or
hers. She knew that her pulse was racing and didn't pause to decide
whether it was because of the naturally musky scent of his neck, the 151
chest hair that curled beneath her thumb, or the threat of Fat Frank.

Fat Frank didn't yell, and still she didn't move. Derek pressed her
infinitesimally closer. He liked the way her breasts felt against him,
not obtrusive, just enticing. He liked the slenderness of her thigh
beside his. And the gentle sough of her breath by his throat was raising
his temperature by multiple degrees. He knew he was playing with fire,
but he didn't care. Sabrina floated. If there had been tears in her
eyes, they'd dried, and she could barely remember their cause. Derek had
taken the weight from her shoulders and was supporting her with ease.

She wanted to thank him, but to use her voice at that moment would have
been unthinkable. Fat Frank didn't Yell, and still she didn't move.

Derek lowered his head and was about to press a gentle kiss on her
forehead when Fat Frank yelled. '!' Derek moaned. He held her
iighter, arms trembling slightly before slowly, slowly setting her back.

"Goddamned pig,'he whispered, glowering at the guard. Sabrina's
returning whisper was far more vulnerable and immediately brought his
attention back to her. '?' Immm?, ' haven't ever told anyone what
I jiust told you.' He'd pretty much guessed that by the desperate way
she'd pushed the words out, as though if they didn't get an airing and
quickly, she'd have suffocated. He wanted to know why she hadn't ever
told her husband, bt u It he didn't want to ask. He didn't want to
acknowledge that a husband existed. He wanted to pretend that if it
hadn't been for Fat Frank Ferrucci, he'd still have Sabrina in his arms.

152 OU can tell me your secrets anytime/ he said kly. ' I'll
understand. I know all about broken S-1 Yours aren't broken, just
deferred.' ''s a debatable point.' Tell me about them, Derek. What
do you dream of?, C'@j.'.'Now? Mrs. Fields' white-chunk macadamia-nut
cookies.' In spite of herself, Sabrina smiled. As humor went, it was a
little dry, but still it was humor. Derek had never joked with her
before. She remembered how stern-faced and angry he'd been during her
first visit. Held come far. ', I mean more generally.' He was thinking
that her smile, had to be the most Cbeautiful sight in the world, He
wished he were a funny man, if only to see it again, but he wasn't; and
unfortunately most of his dreams weren't amusing. 11 dream of my
release., ' then?' '.' She saw the little look that came and
went from his eyes and couldn't resist a tiny shudder. ''s scary."
He shrugged, and wasn't about to add anything until he realized that she
really was frightened. ' to worry about/ he said, but his voice
was shadowed. ''s part of the mentality in here. Drawing up plans for
revenge gives you a feeling of power, and power's the name of the game."
"Like Fat Frank's yells?' ' that. I intimidate him and the other
guards too, because of who I am and where I've been. So they go out, of
their way to put me down. It gives them a semblance of control.' He
heard his own words, thought about them for a second, then grunted, Vho
153 am I kidding? They have the control. It just gives them double
satisfaction to rub it in in my case.' ' thing you never did an
exposi on correctional officers/ she said dryly. ', I did. It was
actually a story of the inmate bureaucracy in the state prison system in
Indiana, but it did a job on the guards.' A grimacing Sabrina lowered
her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. ' you think they know about it?

I `1 know they know about it. On the day I arrived here, the warden told
me in no uncertain terms that he knew. Other guards have made comments
since then. I assume the warden got a copy of either the tape or the
transcript and passed it around., ' wasn't particularly ethical."
"No, but then, it makes, my point. Prisons aren't particularly ethical
places.' ' there an underworld here, too? /Yes. p ' does it do?"
"Provides goods and services inmates want and can't otherwise get."
"Like drugs?' ' other things., ' other things? I ', you
don't want to know.' He narrowed his eyes. ' seems like I've said that
to you before. Why do you ask so many questions? If I didn't know
better, I'd think you had an obsession with prison life., Ignoring that,
she looked him over. ' don't see any new scars. Are you managing to
stay out of fights, at least?' ' wasn't in a fight/ he said, scowling.

"I was trying to break one up., ' there fights often?' 154 -',:.T, he
scowl faded but didn't completely go away. Yes. I , qbat's disgraceful."
i7, 1@.: - ''s inevitable. Prisons are filled with angry men.

;@.Zmeath the anger is violence just waiting to erupt.' J ..And when it
does, what does the administration Derek stretched out, extending his
legs, bracing his ;'elbows on the back of the bench. His hands were
balled. He was looking straight ahead.-In some cases, .
measures are taken against the men involved. In other cases, the
administration looks the 6ther way.' ' can they do thatv ' reason
it's the practical thing to do. If the guy who starts a fight is a
powerful figure in the inmate bureaucracy, punishing him could open the
door to greater violence. No warden wants a riot on his hands./ Sabrina
was sitting sideways on the bench, studying the hard lines of his
profile. ' do you fit into that bureaucracy?' ' don't.' ''re
not involved at all?, He pushed out his lips and slowly shook his head.

"You're bucking the internal system?, He nodded. ' that be safely
done? ''s a price.' ''s that? I Isolation. You make it. through
each day on your own and when the days begin to pile up one on top of
another, that can be tough. Some guys can't take it. They give in."
Sabrina knew that he wasn't talking about physical isolation, but
emotional. qt must be difficult., 155 It's what I choose. I keep to
myself. I do my time. I get out. That's it.' She thought of stories
she'd read of celebrated inmates who had turned around and devoted
themselves to improving the lot of the others. ''d have thought you'd
be in demand. You're intelligent, welleducated, literate. I'm surprised
they haven't got you teaching a course or something.' ' wouldn't have
done that even if they'd asked.' ' not?' '/ he murmured
angrily, ''m not a dogooder. The way I see it, I shouldn't be in prison
at all. I'm here against my will. I'm being robbed of good, constructive
time, months and months of my life lost forever, and for that my grudge
is against the system of justice. But the correctional department, with
its deliberate knee-buckling, is nearly as bad, and I'll be damned if
I'll give it one iota of my expertise. In the first place, it would do
no good. What in the hell could I teach the guys here that they'd be
able to use on the outside? And in the second place/ he said, losing a
little of his fire, ''d only set me up for abuse from those who think
I'm lording something over them. The lowest possible profile is the only
one I want.' Sabrina understood both what he was saying and the
bitterness behind it. in an attempt to lighten his mood she picked up
his hand, turned it this way and that. ' do they have you doing?"
His fingers were long, lean and blunt-tipped. They were masculine
without being wom. ' dirt. No calluses. What's your work detail? I
"Laundry.' She was appalled. Okay, she could understand why he didn't
teach, but she'd have thought they'd put him in an office doing typing
or filing, something vaguely 156 nt. But laundry? Her lip curled up at
the t of his handling the dirty laundry of the men Id seen. They
couldn't have given him a more ling work assignment. Then again, maybe
they have. What did she know of the options? ,",t@,",Derek read her
silence with ease. ' get clean clothes ,@ "'Otof the deal.' many hours
a day do you work? "Four.' ;)That leaves a few/ she said, reluctantly
returning his hand to him. "What else do you do? He flexed his jaw.

"Alark time.' ' that. -Count the holes on the wall in my cell."
She ignored his tone, and pressed on. rvilhat's it like, @your cell?, He
shot her an annoyed look. ''s like a cell. Come on, Sabrina, what do
you want me to do - ten you that ',',,':,!the rug is Persian, the drapes
are Roman and the bed is an authentic reproduction of something Henry
the Eighth ordered for his sixth mistress? We're talking a cot, a shelf,
a locker, a desk and a toilet. If there were labels on any of them,
they've long since been scraped Off. @Put up with me, Derek. I'm just
curious.' His brows lowered harshly over eyes that were sharp. I don't
ask you about your bedroom.' Tell him, Sabrina. Tell him ... ' could
ask. It's not very exciting. I'm not much of a decorator myself, so it
was done professionally. There are labels on everything. I wish I could
get someone to scrape them off.' Derek wished he hadn't mentioned her
bedroom. The thought of her there with her husband was doing nothing
good for his mood, which had plummeted 157 when she'd touched him. No,
that was wrong. He hadn't minded it when she'd touched him, just when
she'd let him go. And that was only a preview. Pretty soon she'd be
leaving, going back through the gates, out the door to her car, down the
road, onto the highway. He wouldn't see her for the next ... however
many weeks until she chose to come again. For all his macho talk about
liking isolation, he could feel desolation waiting in the wings. '
are you so goddamned curious about me?' he snapped. @Because you're
interesting.' He snorted. ''s a good one. At this point in my life,
I am probably one of the least interesting people you could have the
misfortune to run across.' She ignored him. ' want to be able to
picture where you are and what you're doing. I ' why? What is it with
you, Sabrina? You have a husband and a child and a luxurious apartment
back in New York. You don't need this.' ''d be surprised/ she said
with such quiet force that Derek did a double take. He was sure he'd
caught a flare-of desperation in her eyes. ' do you mean? he asked
more calmly. Sabrina couldn't think of a thing to say. She couldn't tell
him that seeing his torment lessened her own, because it sounded cruel.

She couldn't tell him that she trusted him with her deepest darkest
secrets because it didn't make sense even to her. She couldn't tell him
that she needed his shoulder to cry on, because then she'd have to
explain why his was the only shoulder she had. She couldn't tell him
that he excited her, that the thought of him was as much of a pickme-up
as any new sweater she'd bought, that she felt like a different person
when she was with him. And 158 she couldn't get herself to tell him
about it's the book, isn't it? Derek asked. ''re still about writing
that book. ',@'"!She could have kissed him for coming to her rescue.

could have kissed him anyway. ', uh, said Id think about it.,
%Vhy, is it so important to you? If you're looking for good subject
matter, I can think of any number of Z ',others thatd be more
intriguing. I This one hits me right/ she said, making a con rted effort
not to stare at his mouth. That lower lip was sensual even when it was
drawn straight, as it was 1-now. ' the nurse I've hired, I thought I
might put aside four or five hours a day to work.' ' you've decided
against residential placementv ' a little while.' She couldn't
explain that one, either. She'd been so sure that institutionalizing
Nicky was the only way for her to survive. ' Nick had left, and
suddenly she wanted to wait. She wasn't ready to give up her baby. She
needed to know that she could hold him and touch him whenever she
wanted. In so many respects she was alone; the thought of an empty crib
was too much. ''m going to try handling Nicky with extra help. It might
work., I Why the change of heart? Are you still getting guff about
placing him in a residential center?' Was she getting guff? ', yes."
"From whom?' ' name it. My mother thinks Nicky would do best if -he
were with me, which is pretty consistent with the way we were raised.

Aside from the time we spent with Dad, she prided herself on being there
for us. Of course, her definition of "being there" was a - 159 -purely
physical thing. To this day, Mom's mind is more often than not somewhere
else.' ' does your dad say about Nicky? ' thinks we fuss too much.

He thinks Nicky would do best if we'd all just leave him alone.' Her
mouth twitched at the comer. ''s the old
keep-thehay-in-the-bam-and-the-dogie-will-find-his-own-wayhome
approach., The subtle amusement in her voice had its way. Derek could
feel himself relaxing. ' your brother?' ', J.B. has a super
theory. Are you ready? I she asked. When he nodded, she briefly outlined
J. B.'s plot. '&' Derek said, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully.

"Taken over by a spirit from the earth's core. Not bad.' '. It's
more than the doctors have come up with., ' this spirit would want
you to keep Nicky at home?' ''m not sure. It seemed to me the spirit
could do its thing just about anywhere. But J.B. votes for home., She
didn't repeat what J.B. had said about head-bangers and droolers. It
still hurt. ' anyone besides you in favor of institutionalization?"
"You/ she said with a lopsided smile, then took a quick breath. '
Maura. ''s Maura?' ' and friend. She wants me to write.' '
about other friends?' ''ve only discussed it with a few. They think I'm
awful to even consider it. They say they don't see a problem, which is
very loyal of them ... and very 160 t. Then again, Nicky still does look
wonder- 0 on occasion. But they don't live with him. don1t have the
responsibility for his daily care. don't have to look to the future as I
do.' mulled that over , then plunged in and asked nestion that had been
pulling at his tongue. ' husband say about it? him, Sabrina. It's a
perfect opening. Tell him ''s leaving the decision up_to me/ she said,
her eyes. a?' 21 k at Me./ Id spoken quietly, but there was command in
his `sed her eyes. Derek had shifted to face and his gaze probed. oes
Nick know you're here?' "No/ she said softly. I", ''s a dangerous game
you're playing.' She agreed with that, though her reasons had g to do
with Nick. Sitting here with Derek, at him, being looked at by him, she
could no er deny the attraction. Every one of the other ons she'd given
for coming to see him were valid, there was another. Derek turned her
on. He lit a spark in her body. He e her feel feminine, desired and
desiring. ' you love your husband?'he asked. ;'Nick and I have been
married for eight years/ she but her voice was shaky. ' wasn't what
I asked.' Ve have a son. I supp ose it's a natural bond.' ' you love
him?' "Nicky? I love him '. The father. Your husband. Do you love
himv 11 don't understand why you're asking - 161 ' on, Sabrina,' he
ground out. ' feel it. You feel it. There's something between us that
has no business Ibeing there if you're in love with Nicholas Stone."
"I've never been unfaithful to Nick.' ,'s unfaithful, and there's
unfaithful. You may never have made it with another guy since you
married Nick, but you may have wanted to; and if that's the case,
something's missing. He's not giving you what you need.' Tell him,
Sabrina. He's all but inviting you to. Tell him! She needed space.

Pushing herself from the bench, she began to walk along the edge of the
visiting area. Derek was quickly by her side. For an instant held feared
she was leaving then and there, and his heart had sunk to his toes. Now
it was back in his chest but still not beating quite right. ' book,
Sabrina. Why is it so important to you? I ' need to do something. I
need to prove myself.' ' whom?, She kicked at the grass as she walked.

"Me. My family. The world.' ''t taking care of Nicky enough? '. At
the end of a day or a week or a month, I have nothing to show for it.

Absolutely nothing.' ' does there have to be something? Why can't
there be the simple ' of knowing what you've done for Nicky?

' She gave wide berth to a picnic table that was occupied by two very
large, very mean-looking men, and waited until they were well behind
before speaking. ' I'm getting nowhere with him. I'm marking
time, just like you. You can look forward to freedom, revenge, justice
or whatever. I need something to look forward to, too. I need to achieve
something.' 162 "a book?' se it's what I know. it, s what I was raised
on. 4 1 do best.' family pressuring you to write?' they think less of
you because you aren't writing you're trying to Prove somethin&@ head
came up. The eyes that caught his glittered ,, but she kept on
walking. ', I'm trying e something. Everyone in the world is trying
to something. In my case it happens that I need to my basic worth.

Writing is my best shot at that. only knows I haven't been able to do it
any other -Oa/ Derek said, grabbing her arm and pulling, to a halt. '
think you're a failurev t's exactly what I think.' .,That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard! My Lord, YOU had a full-length book published
before were twenty-three. Plus articles - how many were twenty?

Twenty-one? And we're not talking by-night magazines here. We're talking
The Atlan- Esquire, Rolling Stone.' She eyed him warily. 11 didn't tell
you about those.' ', because you're modest. I had to ferret out all
e juicy little facts after I left you that day in New ork. I went out,
bought your book and read it cover cover. Same with most of the
articles., Her heart skipped a beat, then sped. ' why? There was no
need after I'd refused to be interviewed.' ' had a need/ he bit out
with the anger she'd abandoned. 11 had to know because you intrigued me.

A ",YOU pricked my conscience. You made me think about 163 things I
hadn't thought about in years - like weighi,19 and balancing the overall
good of a story with its effects on its subjects- More personally, you
made me ask myself where I was going in life and what 1 wanted., '
You find any answers?, ' was thinking about it real hard when I got a
call from a guy who said he had some vital information for me, and the
next thing I knew the guy was dead and the COPI we're taking a Smoking
gun from my hand. No, 1 didn't find any answers, and now the issues are
more clouded than ever- You want to write a book about me? How can you
know me when I don't know myself?, .'maybe we can both learn something
from the wxitmg. It's been known to happen. I ask questions a certain
Way, You look at something differently than You have ... it could work.

"No.' ''re being stubborn., ' right. I She started walking again,
this time in the general direction of the gate. ' I guess there
isn't any point in my coming again., ' that/ Derek said angrily, is
even dumber than what you said before., Grabbing her wrist, he had her
behind a nearby tree before she could anticipate the move. He backed her
to the wide trunk, Pinning her hands to the bark at her shoulders. His
lower body pressed hotly. ' want to see me. I want to see you.

"Derek, I - '.' He shifted against her, seeking to enhance the
feeling of her curves against him. His voice was grittiy and low. '
fit, Sabrina. I don't know how or 164 we fit. it shouldn't be. The whole
thing's We're night and day, good and bad, but we fit.' -eyes were
large, begging his for release. about it before you come again.' it - /
0, 111 come again. You will.' He lowered his head was nuzzling her
cheek. 11 want to touch you, and kiss you.' He moved again. -She felt
the shift breasts, felt the tingle that the intimate brush of st had
caused, and lower, felt the curling heat t by the press of his hips. And
she felt afraid. trek, I can't think, I she gasped. have -to. You have
to decide Mcgill!'came a shout from the side. it, Derek leaned in even
closer. His mouth less than an inch from hers. Vork it out, Sabrina. it
out in your mind, because when you come here,, I'm going to kiss you."
He released her , which remained against the bark as though'd been
nailed, and slid his own upward from her t. ' are ways to make love
that can be done t here, right here in the yard. I'm hungry, Sabrina.

*ve stirred it up. I don't give. a damn about your band or anyone else
who says it's wrong. It's not Maybe crazy, maybe hopeless, but not
wrong.' J ''s it, Mcgill/ called the guard who was closing on them.

He wasn't fat like Frank, but he was big burly and every bit as
unfriendly. ' on/ Derek snarled, then lowered his voice a '
you hear me, Sabrina?' gain. She hurried the words out on a shaky
breath. ' shouldn't be saying these things, Derek, shouldn't be
inking thern.' ' not, if it's what I feel? 165 $ecause I don't know
if I "Okay, Mcgill/the guard said. He was practically or, top of them.

7ime to get back.' Derek raised his head a bit and, without MAdingg hiss
eyesifrom Sabrina, told the guard, ''m saying good. bye. ' the
looks of it, You've already said good-bye. Sorry, miss, but its-time to
leave.' She couldn't move. Derek wasn't budging. ', please/ she
whispered. `111ink about it, Sabrina. Think about all of it., ',
you're asking for trouble.' q, ve committed murder, Sabrina. I'm
perfectly capable Of making love to another man's wife. I She darted
glances at the guard as she pushed urgently at Derek's chest. ',
Derek/ she pleaded, '?' With his hands flat on the tree at either
side of her head, he levered himself several inches back. '
Thursday. Same time, same place.' ' don, t know ..., $e here, I he
commanded then gave a rough shrug t dislodge the hand that the'guard had
clamped on 0 his arm. Holding his shoulders straight, he deliberately
stepped back, then watched as Sabrina turned and half walked, half ran
to the gate.

Chapter 7.

later, Derek met with his lawyer. David was
in his mid-forties, with a wife, two an office in Manhattan, a house in
Westchesreputation for being a quiet-spoken advocate grasp of the law, a
keen courtroom instinct ' with jurors. The two men had met when 1ad
sought out a criminal-law expert for one of Outside Insight stories, and
they'd quickly friends. had taken Derek's conviction personally. "I'm
'political enough/ he told Derek in frustration one of those first
post-sentencing visits. 11 don't the weight, damn it.' did everything
you could have done., should have played dirty., can't. That's why I
hired you. You have a reputation.' ? No, friend, you've g9t it wrong.

I'm the on the sterling. I'm a black lawyer in a white In, which is just
fine when my clients are black already have that strike against them,
but it sure't do you no good.'He ended with the ethnic drawl t he could
put on or take off - and indeed, it came In the next breath. "This case
stinks. One too many just haven't made sense. We'll get them on eai,
Derek. So help me, we'll do it.' But they didn't. One appeal after
another filed in @Pne court after another - all denied. It was the
latest V,.denial that had brought David to Parkersville. 167 onthe
sentence stands/ he said, dropping his briefcase the table in the small,
private room reserved lawyer-client visits. q was hoping to get it
reduced, but the bastards weren't buying. I'm sorry.' Derek was leaning
against the wall. He hadn't had to hear the words: one look at his
friend's face had told him they'd lost. He wasn't surprised. ''t
sweat it, Dave. We figured as much.' He pushed off from the wall,
smirking cynically as he knelt down and peered under the table. '
you set out to screw someone, you don't stop in the middle, do you?"
Spotting the telltale wire, he nodded toward David, who was already in
the process of removing a minirecorder froni his case. ', I'm an
the home stretch - or I will be, assuming nothing happens between now
and November. David turned on the recorder, which, thanks to his
fourteen-year-old son, spewed out a raucous heavymetal sound. Setting it
on the seat of the chair no more than twelve inches from the bug, he
moved to join Derek against the wall. ''s the feel here?'he asked in
a low voice. "Any hint of trouble?, Derek gave a noncommittal shrug.

"The guards are breathing down my neck. They watch every move I make.

But I don't think they'll be the problem. I keep to myself. I don't give
them trouble. In their own warped way they respect that. It's the other
guys who scare me.1 "Like the two in the shower?'David asked, glancing
briefly at the fading scar on Derek's neck. ' was no accident. They
were set up to involve me in their fight.' ' they aiming to kill?

"Does rain fallp 168 they disciplined? did a day in the hole, bu't word
has it that they for lunch, and when you get anything other sbit in
there, it means you've got an in.' His voice even more. ' really
thought Greer had chalked' At this point, anything else he tries to do
to has to be a risk to him. The more people he ves, the riskier it gets.

Somewhere, sometime, e is going to slip up and squeal.' avid was more
cautious. ''s a powerful man, He gets things done. And he keeps his
own out of the till. No direct contact. No fingermy guess is that if you
ever did manage to get a er, the squealer wouldn't know who in the hell
I Greer was. is why I have to get the files/ Derek ttered. @@`HMMV '
really is eyeing the Senate, isn't he?, ' that way.' q keep reading
it in the papers, but, God, I find it to believe.' Vhy so? The man's a
natural. He's a media expert. "s suave, good-looking. At sixty, he's not
too old, too young. He's built himself an empire from the d floor up,
and all that began even before he took @@"'over the network. He's the
consummate executive, the bodunent of the American Dream, and if you
think ew Yorkers won't cat him up, think again.' ' he can make it?

"You bet. The election's still a year and a half off, but - barring a
catastrophe - he can make it. He has the money, the power and the
organization. It'd be a damn shame if he wins.' Derek had no intention
of letting that happen. The 169 Ballantine files were out there, and
somehow or other they had to implicate Noel Greer. It was the only thing
Derek had been able to come up with after months and months of racking
his brain. The Ballantine files had to be the key. ' lot can happen in
a year and a half/he murmured, His mind skipped ahead, picturing some of
the possibilities, and suddenly he wasn't thinking of Noel Greer.

"David, have you ever heard of a man named Nicholas Stone?' ''m not
deaf, dumb and blind. Of course I've heard of Nicholas Stone. There's
another natural for you. He's got the golden touch. Has the smarts and
the style. Tax laws change and investors panic. Not Stone. He's cool."
"I know his wife,' Derek tossed out quietly. He wasn't quite sure why he
did it. Maybe saying it aloud would make it more real. More likely, he
wanted David's reaction; he trusted and respected the man as he did few
others. ' bad about that, isn't it?' David tossed back, taking Derek
by surprise. He'd been under the impression that the child's
problems had been kept under wraps. ''s hard on her. I don't know
about ', though. From what I understand, he distances himself from
the whole thing.' ' that's why it happened.' '. The boy isn't
emotionally disturbed. He's brain-damaged., David frowned. ' whaw
Vicky is brain-damaged.' ' is Nicky?' Derek frowned too. ''s
son. Nick's son.' ' didn't know they had a son., 170 11too what's
bad"?' divorce. They, re getting divorced., before k heard the
words, but it was a minute Unk in, and then he went very still. ' do
you that?? it in the paper. It's the kind of gossip society sts love,
and since I've always wanted. to make ty page, - his eyes danced - '
study it for hints. I might've made it defending you if trial had been
in the city, but - I t* divorced?' Derek echoed dumbly. There a
buzzing in his head that had nothing to do with Motley Crue cacophony
that shielded his conver- with David. ' did you read itz' ' week,
week and a half ago.' ell before Sabrina's last visit, Derek realized.

did the article say?' was more a little blurb than an article.' uttle
blurb, then. What did it say? That they're getting divorced..' Was that
it? just that the Nicholas Stones have filed ofor divorce?' ', man, I
was just kidding about studying - ' need to know, Dave/ Derek said, his
tone softening for the sake of his friend but losing none of its
urgency. ' to remember?' David moved his shoulder against the wall
and frowned. ' wasn't that big a thing - something to the effect that
Stone has become the man-about-town now that his marriage is off. How do
you know his wifev The man-about-town. Derek didn, t know whom to be
angry at, Sabrina or Nick. ' met a while ago/ he said, speaking
distractedly, his voice -aimed at the floor. ''s been here a couple
of times.' ? To Parkersville?' ' 171 Derek looked up. ' that so
strange?, ', man. She's la cr@_me de la cr6me. What's she doing
here? I ' me/ Derek answered indignantly. He was annoyed that
David had so quickly and correctly summed up the situation. But he
should have expected it. David was sharp. And honest. Which was why
Derek had raised the issue in the first place. ' well do you know
her?'David asked. ' not so well as I thought.' ' you think
she knows Greer?' Derek felt the hair rise on the back of his neck. '!

'fou sure?' ' it, yes!' ' if you don't know her as well as you
thought - ' know her well enough for that/ Derek insisted. ' idea
that Greer sent her is absurd!' ''s capable of doing it, Derek. He's
tried to kill you more than once. Failing that, he might settle for
sending a spy to learn your plans"

".f he did that, it wouldn't be
Sabrina.' ' not? You know how the man works. He finds a person's
weakness, then preys on it. Sabrina's marriage is on the'rocks. You say
she has a brain-damaged child. There"s a lot going on in her life that a
man like Greer could use ...' ''s a strong woman/ Derek interrupted.

His eyes were dark, his voice low but vehement. ' she's done
could be used for blackmail. Forget it, Dave. No way. And besides, the
spy business is a little farfetched. Even the attempted-murder business
is a little farfetched. Maybe live imagined the whole thing. Paranoia is
rampant in here.' ', but let me tell you, I didn't imagine -what
went on with that trial. The deck was stacked. We 172 -,have a chance.

It was tight and skillful, what ,. Greer pulled some very solid
strings.' couldn't argue with that. ' I don't underis why Greer
doesn't just give up on me and go the files.1 the files are the problem,
and it's a big if.' is nothing else/Derek said with a quick shake Us
head. ''ve been over the last four years of my with a fine-tooth comb,
and there-Is nothing else. and I had our differences from the start, but
he berserk when he learned I was onto Ballantine. felt threatened,
threatened in a big way. It has to the files. I know it does., My
friend/ David drawled sadly, ' don't even for sure that those files
exist. I'd hate to see you too much store in them., They exist.,
"",'Then the pertinent question is the one you just Why hasn't Greer
gone after them himself?' Derek inhaled deeply and shook his head. "He
has the resources," David pointed out. ' know.' ' he'd have to do is
find them and have them ,, and he'd be safe., ' know.' '
doesn't make sense.' ' me about it/ Derek said dryly, at which point
David straightened and slapped his friend on the arm. ', you've got
till November to figure it out.' For a minilte, Derek didn't respond. He
pictured the calendar on the wall of his cell, pictured the X's he
marked through each day of his sentence that had passed, pictured those
days left to be marked. Those remaining days could be fewer ... or
greater. ' hope that's all I've got, I he said, and felt the 173
familiar pressure begin to gather. Prickles starting deep inside,
working their way outward. An itching beneath -the skin. Nervous energy
budding from a whine to a cry to a silent scream. Panic in its rawest
form. ' - if I'm denied parole?' he asked. ''s no reason why
that would happen.' ''s no reason why any of this has happened., He
gritted his teeth and repeated the question. ', what if I'm denied
parole?' ' won't be.' ''m not sure I could make it if that happened.

I think I'd explode inside, burst a blood vessel or something.'He wasn't
kidding. David closed a firm hand on his shoulder. ' try not to make
the same mistake twice. I played it straight during the trial. I did
everything by the book. And I'm not doing anything illegal now, but two
can play the game.'His eyes held Derek's, mirroring the confidence that
was in his voice. ''m speaking to people, Derek. I'm setting the scene
to make a lot of noise if that parole doesn't come through when it
should. Do you remember jilly Devries - the little girl who worked for
me a couple of summers ago?' Derek remembered her. She'd been in her
third year of law school when she worked for David, and she wasn't that
little a girl that Derek hadn't taken her out. She was cute and bright,
a little wild, very aggressive. ''s working as counsel for the
Department of Corrections,' David went on, ' she has access to
figures - figures in New York, Pennsylvania, California, you name it.

She gave me the figures for Massachusetts, and I'm letting certain
people know I've got them. It's a matter of precedent - how this
particular parole board has acted over the past five years. Given 174
your sentence, your record here at Parkers-, your lack of a record
elsewhere, your profession go on and on - there's no reason for the
board your parole. And if they do, there'll be hell to He paused for a
breath. ' media is multi- Greer's network isn't the only one in town.

wasn't counting on anything; he'd learned not that; but David's
confidence had a calming effect. held up both hands, yielding. vid
nodded. '.' He glanced at his watch. run./ Returning to the table,
he snapped off the sette. '/ he whispered, '.1 He put the er in
his case. ' you need?' It was the. timeworn question. Derek
didn't even t to consider it. ' - I Then he caught himself. n second
thoughts, got a pen drew one from his briefcase and handed it David er
along with a yellow legal pad. On it, Derek wrote e names of Gebhart,
Amanda and 1. B. Monroe, then tossed the pad and pencil backinto the
case and said edy, 11 want the latest books by each. Any booke should
have thern.' David stared at the names on the pad, then stared at Derek.

"Her family?' Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Derek nodded. 11 take
it this is important., Derek repeated the nod. ' you know what youre
doing, friend? ' do you ask? 11 don't want you hurt/ David said.

"You've got a lot on your mind. Youll have more on your mind when you
get out of here. It doesn't matter who you are, why you're here, what's
waiting for you when you get out. 175 les gonna be hard at first. Added
complications you don't need., ', why didn't I think of that?' David
studied Derek for a final minute before closing his briefcase. ', so
you've thought of it. But don't say I didn't warn you.' ' send the
books, okay?, ' thing, friend.' He took Derek's hand in a firm grip.

"Watch yourself, yhear? I Unfortunately, it wasn't himself Derek had to
watch, but everyone else. Second among the unwritten prison rules -
after Don't Get Involved - was Guard Your Back. To do so meant being,
forever cautious, which required concentration, which was fine as long
as one's concentration wasn't elsewhere. Unfortunately, over the next
few days Derek's concentration was elsewhere. He was trying to figure
out why Sabrina hadn't told him she was getting a divorce. He'd always
thought he could fathom the female mind with some degree of success, but
he couldn't do it now. He supposed he was out of practice. More
probably, he realized, he was afraid of what the fathoming would turn
UP. Disillusionment was something with which he'd had to contend at an
early age. As a boy, promises had been made to him, then broken. He'd
idolized a father who had let him down at every turn. His mother had
been a creature of high standards and lofty dreams - a lethal
combination for a boy who wanted to see results. Derek had learned,
therefore, to take promises lightly. He had learned to fully trust no
one but himself. He had I become an expert in self-reliance, which had
proved its worth many times over during his climb to the top in a
cutthroat field. 176 a little disturbing for him to realize that he'd to
rely on Sabrinaps straightforwardness. It was than a little disturbing
for him to wonder if he It in for a fall. mood went from bad to worse,
from confusion tation to anger, which subsequently clouded his ent. Q
t was why he wasn't prepared when he was ed and dragged into the shadows
on his way back his cell after dinner Monday night. The attack n't
life-threatening; it didn't involve a knife or er makeshift weapon; nor
did it have anything to with Noel Greer. Derek had brought it on himself
absently sitting at the wrong table in the dining then not at all
absently compounding the error by g too long to move. The beating was
administered by, the two body- inmate whose turf he'd violated. Derek's
........ was to fight back, and he had more than enough anger in
him to do it with style. But he also *ad some sense. if he yelled or
returned punches or did "anything else to attract the attention of the
guards, "he'd be disciplined; and if that happened, the parole board
would hear. His previous stint in solitary was/ , sole blemish on his
record. He aidn't want another. So he didn't make a sound other than the
occasional involuntary moan. He didn't take a single swing at his
'opponents, even when their taunts took the form of slurs against his
profession, his dead mother and e color of his lawyer's skin. He did
little more than try to protect those parts of himself that were more
vulnerable than others. Whether he succeeded was questionable. By the
time he was left alone, his entire body was screaming in pain. Calling
on the last of his battered reserves, he 177 hauled himself up and
stumbled to his cell. No one looked at him twice. No one noticed that he
was clutching his middle, that blood stained his face, that he was half
doubled over and limping. He fell on his cot and, for more than an hour,
didn't move. Then, wincing with each breath, he made his painful way
down the row of cells, past the common room where a group was watching
the baseball game on television, and into the shower room. No one
looked, no one saw, no one cared. Clothes and all he stood, shaking
badly, under the spray until the pain began to localize. He knew that
his left eye and bottom lip were swollen, but his nose had stopped
bleeding and didn't seem to be broken. There was pain in the area of his
ribs. He assumed held bruised, if not broken, a few, but he could handle
that. What bothered him more was his stomach. He prayed that the pain he
felt was caused by muscle bruising, rather than internal bleeding,
because he had no intention of reporting to the dispensary. - He
remembered hearing of an inmate who, after a fight, had lain for days on
his cot holding together a gash that should have been stitched. He
supposed he could do that, too - if there was a gash to be held. But
when he'd completed the excruciating ordeal of peeling off his clothes,
he found nothing but badly discoloring flesh. Not knowing whether to be
relieved, and feeling distinctly sick to his stomach, he made it back to
his cell in time to throw up in the toilet. Then he collapsed on the cot
and waited for death. Death didn't come that night or the following
morning. And that afternoon, shortly after three, it wasn't death that
came, but Sabrina. Derek would have been better prepared for death. 178
rinals appearance took him totally off guard. It not Thursday, and after
Tuesday, for one thing way she'd run off the week before, he hadn't her
to show at all. For another thing, he It know if he wanted to see her.

He was still s that she'd been less than forthright with him, he blamed
that fury on the distraction that had sed his lapse in the dining room,
which in turn had d the beating that was responsible for his present .

Which led him to the last point - that he wasn't e he wanted her to see
him. He looked awful. '?' demanded the house guard who'd notified of
her arrival. ''s waiting in the yard. Are you or not Derek hadn't
moved a muscle,. partly because he It ow if he should and partly
because he didn't ow if he could. Sheer. grit had enabled him to ggle
through his work assignment, but the effort drained him. He hadn't made
it to any meals since "dinner the night before. The thought of moving
was nearly as painful as the deed itself. @Y - ''ll it be, Mcgill?"
Carefully, Derek maneuvered his legs over the side of the cot and sat
up. He took several shallow breaths, then pushed himself to his feet.

Straightening his shoulders, he set off. Pure determination kept him
walking. He had a thing or two to tell Sabrina Stone, and the sooner he
said them the better off he'd be. He wasn't a plaything. ' wasn't a
spectacle or a novelty. And he wasn't a man to be lied to. if she
couldn't come clean and accept that, she could just stay the hell away.

In fact, staying the hell away wasn't such a bad idea, he decided. He
didn't need her. David was right: she was an unnecessary complication.

What in the hell 179 good was she doing him - besides stirring him up
and then walking away? Past the row of cells, down a flight of stairs,
out the door, along a lengthy path - he plodded on. His anger helped: it
kept his spine stiff and his pace remarkably steady. Something happened,
though, when he reached the visiting yard and caught sight of Sabrina
standing by a tree with her back to him. Anger fled. His heart started
pounding. He struggled to swallow. He felt - though he didn't understand
it, because he couldn't remember the last time he'd done it - as though
he were going to cry. Then she turned and he knew he couldn't cry. On
top of everything else, the humiliation would have been too much. So he
steadied himself, sucked a stream of air into his lungs, held it there
and sauntered forward. Sabrina stared. Her eyes widened with each step
he took, and by the time he was standing an arm's length away, she had
lost what little ' she'd had. ' Godv she cried hoarsely. rwhat
happened?' All he wanted to do was take her in his arms, hold her and
weep, and he couldn't do any of it. ' walked into a wall/ he said in
the somewhat weak and grainy voice that had been his since the beating.

"You didn't walk into a wall.' She looked over his face again and
whispered another horrified, ' God'; then she raised a hand to touch
the scabbing cut on his lower lip, thought twice, pressed the hand to
her own lips. ' didn't expect you today/he said stiffly. Sabrina had
been so upset by his appearance that it took her a minute to recall why
she'd come. She dropped her hand from her mouth and closed it around the
soft leather of the purse that was clutched under 180 arm. ' had to see
you/ she said, but distractedly. ving given up on the cut lip, she was
studying his He had a whopper of a purple shiner) which was ,@@turn
rimmed by skin that was scraped and red. She dn't help but wince. '
you seen a doctor?' No. ' ''re not walking right.' 11 thought I did
pretty well, all things considered/ he ped, then wished he'd saved the
cockiness for a appropriate time. ''ve got to sit down/ he umbled and
moved as fast as he could to the nearest ,, which happened to be a
picnic table that was noccupied. Gingerly he eased himself down, facing
tward on the bench. He leaned back until the table his spine, further
braced himself with his and with a small moan, extended his legs and his
eyes. Sabrina sat down beside him. ''ve hurt your ribs, haven't youp
IYUP.1 ' any broken?' ' guess is as good as mine.' ' you
haven't bothered with a doctor? Derek, even your voice sounds strange.

What if you've broken a rib and it's punctured a lung?' ''d be coughing
up blood and I'm not.' She reached out and lightly touched his middle.

"You've wrapped itv He nodded. ' up an old shirt.' Then he opened
his eyes and smirked as much as his crusted lip would allow. '
advantage of working in the laundry.' Her hand stayed where it was,
resting lightly, very lightly on the worn blue fabric of his shirt.

"What happened? l ' fell down a flight of stairs.' 181 Ifou were in
another fight.' 11 didn't fight., ' you were beaten.' 11 decided not
to fight, so, yes, I was beaten. For Christ's sake, Sabrina, stop
staring at me like that. I know I look awful, but you're making it
worse. Say something nice. Lie a little.' He was about to say that it
wouldn't be the first time she'd fied to him, when she started to speak.

"Nick and I split. It happened almost three weeks ago. I should have
told you when I came last week, and I don't know why I didn't, but I've
been having trouble knowing what to do lately. I'm sorry., The words had
come in a soft-spoken rush, and if the urgency of her tone hadn't taken
the wind from Derek's sails, the apology in her eyes would have. And
then he felt even more contrite when she said, ' wrote three separate
letters to you, but none of them said what I wanted to say. The problem
was that I didn't know what I wanted to say. So I figured I'd come
instead. I decided that this morning, and it seemed foolish to wait
until Thursday, but I wasn't able to get Nicky set as quickly as Id
hoped, so I'm a little late.' Looking at her as she sat beside him,
Derek was reminded of the first time he'd ever seen her. Then, as now,
she was the picture of innocence. She was even wearing similar clothes -
a long, softly pleated skirt and a full overblouse that gave her a
delicate look. Mint green was the color this time, and it added a
dimension to her eyes that refreshed him like cool spring water. He felt
the pinching in his body ease a little. ' you know what you want to
say now? I '.' She swallowed. ' you could ask questions.' 182 He
didn't want to ask questions. His jaw hurt when he spoke. But he
remembered how angry he'd been, and that kind of pain was worse than
anything with his jaw, so he asked, ' didn't you tell me about you
and Nick last week?, ' that question. I don't think I have the answer
yet.' ' about what went wrong with the marriage?' She lowered her
eyes and drew her hand backao the shelter of the folds of her skirt.

"It's a temptation to say that Nicky went wrong with the marriage, but
that wouldn't be fair.' Her voice was muted by shame. ' accurate. If
Nick and I had been right for each other, we'd have been able to handle
Nicky's problems. Some couples come through hard times closer than
ever.' , rwhy didn't it work?' When she simply frowned at her skirt, he
prodded. ' must have thought it would when you married him.' ' did/
she said, meeting his gaze for a minute before looking off down the
yard. ' struck me as being very strong, very organized, very
dedicated, very normal.' '?' ' wasn't weird like my family.

"Don't you like your family?' ' love my family, but they're weird. They
are their books, and thatd be fine if they wrote something that related
to reality, but they don't. Mom is spacey, Dad is an anachronism, and J.

B. is his own little shop of horrors. And it isn't only what they write,
it's how they do it. Twenty hours at a stretch - honest, twenty hours -
and when they finally stop you never know what mood they'll be in. They
could walk out of the room and take your head off if the writing went
poorly. Or they could spring for dinner at the Top of the Mark 183 and
throw in a carriage ride through the hills for good measure. Then again,
they could come off their writing to find that the others were on, so
there was no one to go to dinner with, and then there was trouble.' '
three work that way?' She nodded. ''s one of the reasons Mom and Dad
don't live together; one of the reasons J.B. is divorced. That kind of
life doesn't make for easy companionship., ' you thought you'd have
that with Nick?' ' look skeptical.' ''ve never met the man myself,
but from all I've heard, Nicholas Stone isn't the companionable type."
"He was at first. I ' it ended with the
"I do's"?' '. It went on a
little longer, until business really got hot. Then he was putting in
sixteen-hour work days, and when he came home he didn't have time to
relax with me., Strange,'Derek thought, but if he'd ever married, his
wife would probably have said the same about him. Some men were driven.

He'd always assumed that it was inherent to a particular personality. He
was a natural competitor. He wanted success and he wanted it badly. Now,
though, he wondered if being driven was simply a way of compensating for
what one's life lacked. He couldn't imagine not wanting to spend time
with Sabrina if she were his. ' wasn't the long work days that
bothered me though/ she continued. ' had my own writing. I could
easily, fill my time while Nick was working. But I wanted time with him.

He seemed to think that was frivolous. He said that he had to make the
most of his free time, since he had so little of it,. and making the 184
meant exercising - playing handball or tenhis or or attending to social
obligations. She fell silent, thinking about what she'd said, won- if
she sounded like a spoiled brat who wanted ', wondering if she
was one. But no, it wasn't ention she wanted so much as love. There was
a ce. She looked up to find Derek studying her, and she struck again by
his bruises. ' really look I/ she whispered, knowing that if he
wasn't nor- y so handsome she'd never have been as blunt. YOU feel as
bad as you look? He would have shrugged but didn't dare. ' comes d
goes.' ''re very pale.' ''s prison pallor.' The good comer of his
mouth ''ve got it, too., She returned a small smile. ' wardens go,
Nicky is He doesn't allow me much yard time.' The smile waned. ''re
very pale. Are you sure you're okay?, ''m not going to be sick, if
that's what you're asking. I haven't eaten a thing since last night."
She was about to tell him that that was why he was so pale, that he
needed food if ht wanted strength. But she'd done enough hovering. She
wasn't his mother. She didn't want to be. So instead of browbeating him,
she opened her purse and took out a small bag. He looked from her face
to the bag and back. T-7hat's in itv ' ' it and see.' He looked at
the bag again. ' can't. It takes too much effort. You do it.' Carefully
unfolding the top of the bag, she removed a thick cookie, one of several
inside, and handed it 185 over. He took it with a minimum of movement,
just the slight swivel of his forearm on his elbow. ' God/ he said
hoarsely, '. Fields' ... white-chunk ... macadamia-nut ..

.'Squeezing his eyes shut, he looked in more pain than ever. '? Are
you okay?' ', yeah/ he croaked, but she didn't know what to think, so
she began to babble. ' said you dreamed of them. I thought you'd like
a few. I didn't know if they'd let me bring them in, but I couldn't not
try. You don't have to eat any if you don't want. I'll take them back
home if -' With a suddenness of movement that surprised them both, he
shot out a hand and grabbed the bag. ' way/ he gasped, eyes wide open.

"I'll keep them, thank you.' He raised the cookie and took a small bite.

It all but melted in his mouth. This time when he closed his eyes and
effected the look of pain, she understood that the agony was ecstasy.

"They're not that good.' ' for you to say. You haven't had to go
without them for eighteen months.' He took another bite, let it linger
on his tongue until it slid down his throat. And he realized that,
prison or no prison, no one had ever brought him little goodies before.

He'd never been the little-goodie type. He was always on the go, never
sick, usually the one in charge, the one to order the tickets, send the
bouquet, pick up the tab. Oh, women had given him things - coffee-table
books, silk dressing gowns, cologne - and Sabrina could have afforded
the best of any of those - but she'd chosen to bring him the one thing
he'd mentioned wanting. His throat tightened up, and again he had the
unsettling urge to cry. He sat forward with deliberate force, knowing
that the pain would stem that urge. It did. 186 Derek?' then settled
lust stretchin&' he managed to grunt carefully back again. Aware that
Sabrina was watching him, he finished the cookie as nonchalantly as he
could, then said, ' me more about your marriage.' ' another
question.' Another question. Another question. Derek took a breath that
was a little too deep. He flinched at the . pain in his ribs, then
tightened his jaw in compensation. Do you love himv He'd asked the
question more than once when she'd visited him last. She'd been evasive
then. Now she felt she owed him more. '. I don't love him. I did once,
or I think I did, but I may have just been in love with what he
represented, I don't know- I Derek felt immeasurable relief. He didn't
know why, because there were still a million obstacles standing in the
way of any relationship he and Sabrina might havebut one less was one
less. So he enjoyed the relief for a minute, which was just about all he
had. Sitting UP was doing him no good. He hurt. in an attempt to ease
the pain, he shifted gingerly, but the new position was even less
comfortable, so he returned to the old. ''re feeling worse, aren't
you?' ' a little stiff 11 have aspirin. Will you take some?' She was
already digging in her purse for the small, commercially labeled
container. Derek wasn't a masochist. He opened a hand to receive the two
tablets and was about to slap them toward his throat when a guard came
from nowhere and clamped an iron hand on his wrist. , it right
there., ''s aspirin, damn it/ Derek grunted. ' r
yourself. The name's right on the pill., The way the 187 guard was
leaning put pressure on his shoulder, which in turn compressed his ribs
and hurt him all the more. ''s the tin/ Sabrina said in a frightened
voice. She held it out to the guard, but her eyes were on Derek's ashen
face. ' checked it when I came in.' That made no difference. Taking
his time, the guard examined each of the pills in Derek's hand, then
took the tiny tin from Sabrina and studied the remaining six tablets.

When he'd satisfied himself that nothing but aspirin was being
exchanged, he straightened and walked off without the slightest apology.

Derek tossed the pills back, swallowed them dry, then muttered, ' gotta
lie down.' For a split second, Sabrina feared that he meant to end the
visit and return to his cell. Her heart dropped, then lifted when he
pushed himself from the picnic table and limped toward a nearby tree.

Moments later, he was lying on the thick bed of shaded grass, but her
heart had dropped again, because she'd seen the pain he'd endured to get
himself there. - Without a qualm, she lowered herself, to the grass with
her back against the tree. ' up a little/ she whispered, and very
gently eased his head onto her lap. '?' He closed his eyes and
sighed. '.' She began lightly to massage his temples. It seemed the
most natuial thing to do. She couldn't imagine letting her hands lie
idle when they could so easily offer a little relief. ' seem
exhausted/ she said. ' it from the pain?' ' didn't sleep much last
night., ' happened yesterday?' '.' Her fingers were warm, smooth,
gentle, and they worked magic. '?' '?' 188 qf Nick were to be
waiting for you when you returned to New York, would you take him backv
"No.' ' even if he begged?' ' even then, but he wouldn't beg. I
think he's as relieved to be free of me as I am of him.' ' you
really?' '?' She thought for a minute. ', and I don't think
I'm saying that out of @ride or defensiveness or anything emotional
hke,,-that. When Nick walks into a room, he brings with him a certain
tension. He's on all the time, wants things done yesterday and wants
them done well. Even before Nicky was bom, I used to scurry around
trying to please him. Then, after Nicky, when things got so heavy@ there
was no pleasing Nick. ' was a strain knowing that everything I did was
open for attack.' Her voice. was soft, a little distant. Her fingers
whispered, stroked, occasionally combed through Derek's hair. ''ve
spent the past three years living with fear and tension and worry. Nick
wouldn't accept what had happened to Nicky. He couldnt understand what
it was doing to me. I was awful at times. I admit it. I was
short-timpered and demanding.' She paused. ', subconsciously, I was
pushing him toward making a move.' Derek registered the words and was
vaguely aware of their insightfulness, but he couldn't focus deeply when
one part of him was floating. The best he could do was to ask, '
things been better since he moved out? I ' have been different."
Understandably, Derek was more- concerned about her present and future.

Opening his eyes, he looked up 1.89 into her face. ' do you go from
here, Sabrina? Are you staying put in New York?' Her thumb had come to
rest, ever so lightly, by the cut at his lip. She made no attempt to
move it. ' the time being. At least until I know more of what's what
with Nicky.1 ' you think he knows what's happened?' '.' ' you
think he misses Nick?' ' a while he seemed to recognize him. He'd
start breathing a little faster, like he was excited, when Nick started
talking to him. Lately - the last six or eight months - there's been
nothing. Maybe it's just as well. I'd probably be more tom over the
divorce if I felt Nicky would be affected.' Derek bent up one knee,
tipping his body slightly toward hers. He'd been lulled so well that he
was taken by surprise when the faint movement made him wince. ' the
aspirin helping at all?' ihe asked worriedly. J think so/ he answered.

But her touch was more powerful a balm than aspirin. Closing his eyes,
he gave himself up to those wonderfully fluid, ever serene fingers.

"Feels like heaven/ he murmured. The fingers were on his scalp, seducing
his skull. ''re good at this. Is it the Nicky treatment?' She
chuckled softly. '. He doesn't appreciate the finer points of
massage.' ' do.' film glad.' Derek repeated those last lines to
himself. They could have been suggestive or sexy, but they weren't. Sex
was the last thing he wanted; given the pain he felt when he moved, he
doubted he could perform if he tried. But Sabrina wasn't demanding
performance. She 190 s It demanding anything. She didn't ask if she
could touch him here or there - and there, now, was the crook of his
neck, which she was kneading with soft, easy strokes - but she touched
him with the gossamer sureness of a woman whose instincts were his. He
gave a soft moan of pleasure and rubbed his cheek against her thigh.

"Sabrina?' ' do you feel when you con e herev 11 feel ... glad to see
you.' ' mean about the place. Does it depress you?' ''s to depress?

We're nestled in the foothills of the Berkshires, in a yard with trees
and grass and benches.. The air is fresh. The sun is shining. The birds
are singing.' ' the guards in the watchtowers shoot real bullets.,
"Shh. Don't spoil it. As a matter of fact/ she resumed brightly,,'if you
squint, the fences disappear.' . ''re not squinting. You're wearing
rose-colored glasses. I ' so, but I'm tired of being down all the
time.' She gave a light snort. ' this is easy for me to say. I'm not
the one in prison blues.' Derek was, so he found little solace in the
fresh air, the shining sun, the singing birds; and when he squinted, his
eyes hurt. But that didn't mean that he couldn't dream. ' you could
choose to be anywhere else right now, where would it be?, '
else? Hmmm ... let's see ... I think maybe Ireland. ' been there?

"Once, when I was very young. I remember everything being lush and
green, cool and moist and clear. It would be nice to be there, sitting
just like this.' She, 191 wondered if she'd been too revealing, but then
she didn! t care. She'd already told him that she was glad to see him,
and that was modestly enough put. When she was with him, the prison
faded away. She could easily imagine they were in Ireland. ' do you
ask?' ''s a game I play sometimes. Not often; but, once in a while at
night, when I'm really down, when I think that I'm going mad lying in
that damned cell, and nothing else works to take my mind off it, not
even the anger, I close my eyes and picture myself in some exotic
place.' '?' '. I've never been there. I'd like to go. Or the
rain forest of Brazil. Or New Guinea.' Mmmmm.' She wore a small, dreamy
smile as she continued to stroke him. Tahiti. The pad of her thumb moved
slowly along his jaw, back and forth, up over his beard-roughened cheek
to his sideburns, then, slowly, all the way down to his chin. Peaceful,
unspoiled, idyllic. She traced his -ear, rubbed its small lobe. From
there she followed a tendon down his neck, drew her fingers across his
throat, slid them under the tabs of his shirt and began gently,
rhythmically to massage his chest. She could easily go to Tahiti. She
didn't know if she'd have the nerve to play bare-breasted in the surf,
but Derek could do that. His bare skin was a joy. Stretched over
well-defined muscle, it was warm, firm, softened by fine swirls of dark,
curling hair. As her fingertips played in those swirls, her eye roamed
his body. There was the bulk under his shirt that she knew to be the
wrapping around his ribs, but his waist and hips were as narrow as ever,
his legs exceedingly long. His jeans weren't tight, but the force of
gravity settled the denim against his flesh, outlining lean calves, well
192 ewed thighs and ... and sex that was heavy and Iull, even at rest.

Her hands went still and she looked away, embar- , by what she'd
thought. But within the space of several short breaths, she was looking
back. Derek's ",,body fascinated her. She couldn't remember ever feel-
.-ing quite the same fascination with a man's body, "though whether
that was because Derek's body was so ',beautifully made or not, she
didn't know. Nick was ,.good-looking, but she'd never f@lt this kind of
excitement. just then Derek's cheek touched her arm. Her eyes flew to
his face, shadowed now by the folds of her skirt, and she turned crimson
with guilt at having been caught with lascivious thoughts. But there was
no need. His eyes were closed, more relaxed than they'd been before. In
fact, his entire face - what she could see of it - was more relaxed, and
it was only a rninute before she realized that his breathing was slow
and even. A well of emotion surged within her. Tenderness, caring,
pleasure - all peaceful, removed from time and place - deeply gratifying
and renewing. With one hand cradling his head and the other on his
chest, she rested against the tree and watched him while he slept. 193
Chapter 8.

Derek slept for forty minutes and would surely have gone on
far longer had Sabrina not awakened him. She called his name softly,
lightly shook his shoulder, then held him steady when he came to with a
start. ' fell asleep/ she whispered, leaning over him. '
hours are over. They're kicking me out.' Disoriented, he stared up at
her, then forced his eyes wider and looked around. ' don't believe it/
he said hoarsely. ' were wom out.' ', I'm sorry.' ''t be. I
didn't mind. How do you feel?, ', I think.' He hadn't slept long,
but he'd slept soundly, and he had Sabrina to thank for that. For the
first time in eighteen months, he'd felt safe. Struggling to a sitting
position, he asked, ''s four?' '-huh.' He looked around. The
visiting yard had emptied. The prison had swallowed, its own, except for
him. Knowing that shortly he too would be swallowed and that there was
nothing he could do about it, he put on his bravest front. ' to
from here? Are you going on to Vermont?' ' this time.' That meant
she'd driven the distance solely to see him - and he'd fallen asleep on
her. He felt like a heel. ' you staying overnight somewhere nearby?"
She shook her head. That meant she was doing the round trip in a day. It
194 S a lot of driving, too much, he thought, and she s alone. '
...' ' relaxes me. It lets me unwind, lets me . I hadn't
realized how much I missed doing it til I started coming up here., She
dropped her gaze his shirtfront. Barely moving her lips, she whised, '
put the tin of aspirin in your pocket, I don't they saw me do it.' He
found her attempt at subterfuge Adorable. Sabrina ,,was that, along with
everything else. He hadn't seen it the start because it only came out
when she was laxed. It pleased him to think that she was relaxed with
him. It astonished him that she could relax at all a place like this,
but that said something about her @versatihty. ' hate to tell you this,
sunshine/ he drawled, ' "they'll find it in a minute. As soon as I
walk through ,,@&at door, I'll be searched.' ' that routine?' As he
nodded, he felt sadness stalking. As soon as he walked through that
door, she'd be gone. She'd be gone. The thought of it was like a tear in
the fabric of his heart, and that gave him something else to consider.

They'll let me keep the aspirin/ he said in a more subdued tone. '
about Ace bandages? If I pick up a couple in town and drop them at the
administration building, will you get them?' ' necessarily.' '
I try anyway?' '., ''s go, folks/ said a guard sauntering by.

"Time's UP- Sabrina scrambled to her feet. It took Derek a minute 195
longer. Tiny beads of sweat had broken out on his forehead when he
turned to her, closed a hand around her arm and asked, ' didn't you
tell me about Nick and you last week?' She saw the urgency in his eyes
and knew that she couldn't postpone the answering. She'd been too honest
about other things. It was timet 11 was frightened/ she said in a
whisper-soft voice that trembled. Her eyes begged for understanding. '
was using Nick as a buffer because I was frightened. I'm still
frightened. You keep asking me what I'm doing here, and I can tell you
that I want a friend, someone to talk to, that I want to write a book,
but there's more. You said it. You feel it. I feel it too. And it
frightens me, Derek. It's so, - she caught her breath istrong.' Unable
to help himself, Derek took her face in his hands. It didn't matter that
his lip was bruised and swollen, or that his eye was a sight, or that
the way his heart was pounding threatened imminent damage to his already
damaged ribs. He brushed a light kiss on her forehead, then the bridge
of her nose, then her cheek. She closed her fingers around bunches of
-his shirt. 111m frightened, Derek.' ' too., ' much is happening. I
don't know who I am or where I'm going.' His mouth touched hers once,
then again in feathersoft touches that sent airy crinkles to the tips of
her toes. '. Think later/ he whispered and kis- sed her a third
time. Then he tipped his head and tried a new angle. It worked
magnificently. How something as light could be as powerful was beyond
her. She could almost 196 agine a magnetic pull, a pull that rendered
the test touch evocative, deep and clinging. '? ' know. It's
happening.' He drew her against him a low, guttural sound.. ''m hurting
you!' ', no. Shhh. It's okay.'He wrapped his arms around r and pressed
her body to his, imprinting the feel of on his mind. He wanted to be
able to call it back ing the lonely hours, when angry eyes surrounded
lim and there was little to do but count-the holes in V e wall. At
those times he would remember her shape, her smell, her gentleness. She
was his escape. She was ray of sun in a world that was hostile and gray.

With a wrenching groan, he set her back. He took r hands from his neck,
closed them in his and brought them to his lips. Hewanted to know when
:he'd see her again, but he hated to have to ask. He ted being helpless.

He hated being the one visited. e hated having to sit still and wait for
her return. So, Instead, he said gruffly, ''d call you sometime, but
the phone's bugged., ' could give letter writing another shot., He
received mail. There were typewritten letters , David, from his
'agent, from one of his exproducers and a few loyal members of his crew,
as well from a handful of friends who didn't quite have the urage to
visit but wanted to keep in touch. But all that was different. He
imagined receiving a @Aand-written letter on jasmine-scented paper,
imag- , himself lying in his cell at night reading and ,
it, deriving untold pleasures from the words. Then he imagined the
guards reading it before him, ,@@soiling it with their beefy fingers and
their petty minds. Or worse, reporting on its contents to the 4warden.

Or worse, to a faceless agent of Noel Greer. 197 Derek knew that Sabrina
could never work for Greer. What he didn't know was whether Greer could
somehow, sometime, someplace use Sabrina to get at him. The thought was
chilling. He had to see that she was protected. ' read my mail/he
said. ' I'll have to make sure I don't write anything
incriminating., ', Sabrina. Don't write. I think it might be better
that way.' ' you sure?" He nodded. She would have argued, except that
he was looking pale again. She searched his face, making no effort to
hide her concern. ' you don't feel well, if you start to feel worse,
will you tell someone? ''ll be fine.' ' ...' Her voice trailed
off. She was lost in his eyes. They were every bit as magnetic as his
mouth. ' have to leave now/ she whispeied dumbly. Gray ... silver ...
varying in hue with his emotion ... gunmetal now in frustration. ' may
not be able to get back for a couple of weeks. The doctor suggested we
try Nicky on a new program.' ' ...' She put her hand up to his
face, stopping his words. She bit her lip, studied him for a lingering
moment through troubled eyes, reached up and put a light kiss on his
cheek, then broke away and headed for the gate. June passed for Sabrina
with the speed of a snail'and the sword of Damocles hanging over her
head. Not until the start of July did she see her way clear to meeting
Maura for lunch. ''re a damn busy lady/ Maura drawled, holding - 198
r back after the requisite hug. ' at the museum, afternoons at
the polo grounds, evenings in the royal box at the ballet.' Sabrina
sputtered out a weak laugh. '. Right.' '/ her friend went on
with a magnanimous sigh, q must say that such frivolity is taking its
toll. Your eye is twitching.' Not knowing whether to laugh or cry,
Sabrina bit hard on her lower lip. She didn't let -up until she and
Maura were seated in a plant-infested comer of the trendy restaurant.

She took a long drink of ice water, then spread the thick linen napkin
on her lap. ' I had to cancel on you last week. The doctor forbid
me to get out of -bed.' ' happenedr ' passed out wheeling'Nicky
through the park.' '! I ''s been one of those months.' ' what
was wrong?' Sabrina shrugged. ''m a little anemic and a lot exhausted.

I'm taking vitamins. They should help.' ' sleep? Are you getting it?

"Some. Soon.' Maura studied her friend's face. It was tired but calm, a
calm that was disturbed only by troubled eyes. '?' ''m doing it,
Maura. I'm placing Nicky at the Greenhouse. I've agonized and agonized
over it, and if you say that I'm being selfish, I'll get right up from
this table and walk out - I ' know I won't do that.' Sabrina paused,
slowly nodded, then resumed quietly. ' just hasn't'worked. I've given
him everything I have, but it isn't enough. He's unhappy. I'm 199
unhappy. The program we had him on last month did nothing. Even the
doctors agreed.' How well she remembered that conversation - every word,
every gesture, every feeling. She had gone for a consultation with
Howard Frasier, the specialist who had directed her on the new program,
and they'd been joined by his associate. Both men had looked grim, but
in a different way from that to which she was accustomed. Even before
she'd heard the solemnity in Frasier's voice, she sensed that a bridge
had been crossed. ', Mrs. Stone/he said, ''m surprised you kept
at it as long as you did. I assumed you'd stop when we agreed the
program wasn't working.' ' had to be sure/ she explained. ' kept
thinking, "Today's the day he'll respond." And when he didn't, I said,
"Tomorrow's the day he'll respond." Even now I'm worried that I've given
up one day too soon.' ' haven't/ Frasier said. His expression had
gentled, and there was a stoic regret in his voice. ' don't believe
you'll ever see result@.' Sabrina had been taken off-guard. In her
months, years of dealing with medical and social service personnel, none
had ever been as blunt. A bit wide-eyed, she switched her gaze to
Frasier's companion, who shook his head and said quietly, ' your son
had been stuck in a comer and ignored since birth, Id have said that
maybe this intensive program was too much too fast. But you've been
stimulating him since birth. You've been talking to him, exercising him,
working him on various other programs before this one. Theoretically,
he'd have been ripe to respond. But he didn't. if as rigorous a program
as this hasn't produced any results .' He gave a subtle shrug as his
voice trailed off. At that moment, Sabrina had felt both devastated and
relieved. The best she'd been able to do was to 200 k from one doctor to
the other, and let her eyes ask ' her tongue wouldn't. @ @ But Howard
Frasier had only shaken his head and ' sadly. 11 can't tell you
that. I can't recommend that you institutionalize your son, if by doing
so you'll be miserable., ' I he wrong to do it?' she asked
cautiously. ' can only answer from a medical standpoint - and even
then, what I say is nothing more than my opinion. No, you wouldn't be
wrong to do it.' He raised queryjpg brows toward his colleague, who
tossed a hand at the file folder that lay on the desk. It was bulging
with papers. ' son has undergone every imaginable test. Researchers
are always studying brain damage, and it is possible that in five or ten
years a new test will be devised to better identify the source and scope
of the problem, but as far as medical science has evolved today, there's
nothing more we can do for Nicky.' ' you recommend
institutionalization?' Sabrina had asked, seeking direction. ' have to
agree with Howard. You wouldn't be wrong to do it, but the decision has
to be yours.' Sabrina had sat quietly, weighin g - again, still - the
pros and cons of the move. Finally she confessed, ' think what worries
me most is the prospect of placing Nicky and then, when he's in a
different environment, seeing an improvement. Frasier had held up a
cautionary hand. ' might happen. We have no guarantee that it won't,
but you have to understand that if it happens, and that's a big if, it
will be a small improvement and most likely temporary. Nicky simply
doesn't have the wherewithal - ' tapped his head, '- to think.' He let
out a breath. ' that's what you have to accept. Finally.' 201 It was
at once the easiest and the hardest thing to do, and on some level
Sabrina was still grappling with it as she talked with Maura. ' left
that office and went home determined to prove them wrong. But two more
days was all it took. I couldn't keep up the pace. I don't have what it
takes.' ' not to be a full-time caretaker, but very few people can
be that.' But he's my son. If I love him, I should be able to rise to
the occasion. I'm his mother, I carried him for nine months. I brought
him into the world with a defect. He's my responsibility. He has no one
else. Can I really be so cruel as to send him away ... send him away ...
send him away? - , The arguments echoed in her mind as they'd been doing
for months, and lest she forget one, she'd been renunded of them often
in the past few weeks. Family ... friends ... all with opinions about
the fastest route to martyrdom. '/ Sabrina said, ' brought him to
the Greenhouse for an evaluation.' She smiled crookedly, doing her best
to mask the emptiness she felt each time she thought of it. ' fell
in love with him. VVho wouldn't? He's an adorable little bugger.' '
they help him?' ' one can help him. But they'll take him.' She thought
back to her most recent visit there and the warm reception Nicky had
been given. ' suppose I could do a lot worse. As institutions go, the
Greenhouse is un-institutional.' ', it's a cute name.' ' is,
literally, the Greens'house. They're a middleaged couple -
professionals, he was a teacher, she a social worker - who went through
hell trying to find a placement for their own son. They finally decided
that 202 if they wanted a place that was progressive and upbeat and
clean, they were going to have to make it themselves. So they bought a
huge house on dozens of acres in vermont, renovated it, added a series
of smaller outbuildings, got licensed, hired help and went into
business. ' She sighed but said nothing more. ' the Greens Micez' She
nodded. ' their staff?' ,]Efficient and dedicated.' ' take it the
facilities are good. How about theother inmates?' ' inmates.

Residents. There are only about twenty-five. They're from all over the
country, range in age from three to eighteen,. come from families that
can swing the stiff cost, which means that they're well dressed. They
have varying types and degrees of handicaps, but they're all mentally
deficient.' ' ideal/ Maura said dryly. ' ideal as any
institution for the retarded can be.' The void yawned in the area of her
heart. ideal or not, she'd be leaving her baby there. Her baby. She'd
give her right arm for a better solution, but there was none. ' thing
is, I don't want to be a caretaker or a martyr. I want to lead a normal
life.' Maura sent her a sympathetic look. ' always did.' Then she
scowled. ' Nick was supposed to do it for you, but he blew it.,
Sabrina snorted. ' Nick. Old Nick may be smarter than me. Know what
he did last week?' TVhat did he do?' ' off to Haiti and got a
divorce.' She tossed it off with nonchalance, but there was hurt beneath
her bravado. Tilhat was the friggin, rush? 203 "It seems that he's
fallen in love. He married her last weekend., "The rat! '
relationship was over. We reached an amicable settlement. It was all
very legal. I ' to turn around and run to someone new before the ink
had even dried - he must be very insecure. I Sabrina found Maura's
analysis disconcerting. More than once she'd wondered if that was what
she was doing with Derek - running to him out of insecurity. She didn't
think so, though he was good for her ego on many scores. But if her
insecurity was man-related, it didn't make sense that she'd run to him.

He was in prison. He couldn't squire her around town. She couldn't preen
on his arm the way some women did their latest conquests. Or brag about
his sexual prowess. Not that she'd ever do that. No, she didn't think it
was insecurity. And, in any case, the theory that Nick had been insecure
enough to marry the first woman he found wasn't apt. ' fact is/
Sabrina said, ' Nick's been seeing Carol for over a year.' '.

"Mmm.. Maura said nothing for a minute, then asked in a low, slow voice,
"How did you find out?' ' Timmerman. Nick and Carol held their
reception at the club. Cybil is the club maven. She couldn't resist
calling me to get my reaction to the wedding. I suspect she rather
enjoyed worming that little tidbit into the conversation.' Maura offered
a murmured evaluation of Cybil Timmerman that would have shocked a truck
driver, but 204 there was something about the annoyance on her face that
gave Sabrina pause. ' ... did you have any idea? ' idea of whatv
"Nick and Carol.' '?, ', you/ Sabrina came back with dawning light.

.'YOU knew, didn't youp You knew he'd been seeing her before he and I
split. I ' didn't know it/ Maura protested, then began to waffle. '
may have suspected it, but you know me. I have a filthy mind. I can't
trust half of what I think., Sabrina was distressed and more than a
little disappomted. Maura was her good friend, and a good friend was to
be counted on for the truth, regardless of how filthy it was. Closing
her eyes, she took a deep breath. It came out in an airy, ', Maura,
why couldn't you have told me? ' I didn't know for sure, and
anyway, you don't just go up to a man's wife and pop news like that.,
"There is such a thing as a subtle delivery.' ' my specialty, hon."
"You could have written me an anonymous- note.' ''re the writer."
"And you're my friend. If I can't rely on my friend to tell me something
like that, who can I rely on? You could have saved me a little
humiliation.' @ '? Now how could I have done that? The facts haven't
changed. Infidelity is infidelity, and it's always a bitch for the one
who is two-timed. Would it have been any less humiliating if you'd
learned while you were married that he was screwing around?' '. Then
I could have had the upper hand. I could 205 have had the satisfaction
of kicking him out on his I ear. Maura shifted in her seat, ordered a
double scotch to Sabrina's wine spritzer, then finally met Sabrina's
gaze. '. I was wrong. I'm sorry.' But Sabrina, too, had given it
more thought. ''t be/ she muttered. ' did what you thought was
right, and anyway, I should have seen it. I should have known ... all
the business trips ... not being able to reach him on the phone. I
should have guessed it, but I didn't. Maybe I didn't want to.

Subconsciously, I may have been fighting the idea of divorce. Maybe
things had to happen the way they did for me to accept it. The marriage
was over. It wasn't Nicky. It wasn't Carol, or any other woman. It was
us.' ''s philosophical of you., Sabrina gave a low chuckle. ''ve
caught me in a mellow moment. By the way, your hair looks great. More
auburn than Titian this time? I '. I think it looks more mature. At
least, that's what Franco says., Tranco?' ' stylist. He loves Titian
hair, and he lo-ves mature women.' '?' Sabrina echoed dubiously.

Maura flicked several fingers into the air. ' a little while. But
he's only a means to an end. Mature is very definitely in my future.

Want to hear about my latest projectv ' eggs are mature? ' goose
eggs. You were right. Cheesecake is overdone. No, no, this is more
exciting.' She paused and held her breath, eyes glowing. Sabrina waited
expectantly, then, when Maura simply beamed, opened a hand and said,
"Well?' 206 ' spas.' ' spas?' ' spas. You know, health
spas. There are loads of them outside the city, but practically none in.

And why not? Why shouldn't a woman - or a man - be able to walk uptown,
check into a spa for the weekend, 1come,. out massaged, sauna-ed,
exercised and five , lighter? Most people gain their weight on the
weekend. My plan would prevent that. It would be a first-class pampering
operation, but so close to home that it would be just as easy to go in
the middle of a blizzard as during the dog days of August.' ' going
to a spa is an escape. Part of the joy is the change of scenery.' Vith
the proper d6cor and ambience, an urban health spa can provide that. And
if you're going to say that people from the city want the country, I
answer "'that the country can be simulated right here.' Sabrina, was
skeptical. J don't know. Most of the services you mention are already
offered in health clubs, of which there are dozens and dozens in the
city"

".t's the whole package, Sabrina. The idea of checkmg M, severing
oneself from the rest of the world for 0 days, or three or four.' She
held up both hands, , out. ' think. I'd start small, with a
flagship spa in one of the better hotels. I could then franchize out
into other hotels, other cities. The possibilities are vast.' She ended
with her brows raised expectantly. They lowered seconds later. ' I can
get the backing. It's ihe old Catch-22. Yneed money to make money.' '
any leads?' ' few/ Maura said in a voice that implied that she hadn't
contacted any of them yet. She seemed to realize that she'd betrayed
herself, because she rushed 207 on. ' can do it, Sabrina. This time I'm
serious. I think it's a solid idea. I have confidence it'll work."
"Urban spas?' IYUP.1 ' five-star hotels?' ' bet.' ',' Sabrina
said thoughtfully, ''s a better idea than some you've had.' ''s a
five-star idea/ Maura returned, proud of the joke. ' think/ Sabrina
said offhandedly, ' I'll have to write a book. It may be the only
way I know of to save you from yourself. I Maura sucked in an audible
breath and held it for a minute before asking, ' you serious?"
Sabrina nodded. She'd been waiting for the openmig., She was suddenly
very serious. ' soon I'll have the time. I have a feeling I'm
going to be desperate for ways of busying myself once I bring Nicky'-
her voice wobbled, then steadied - ' I bring him to Vermont.' '
right you will. Any ideas?' '-huh. Derek Mcgill.' ' Mcgill?"
Maura repeated blankly, then her eyes went wide and her voice jumped.

"Derek Mcgill? Of Outside Insight? But he's in prison.' She stared at
Sabrina for a minute, then broke into a slow, calculating smile. '
would have all the ingredients - goodlooking stud who makes it big then
loses it all, and his name is more recognizable than your grandmother's.

Not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I love it. From media master to
murderer. What a terrific idea!'-' ' media master to murderer is
your idea. I had something a little more ... dignified in mind."
"Dignified doesn't make best-seller lists.' 208 11 don't care. It's
either dignified or nothing.' Given that particular choice, Maura
yielded. ', exactly, did you have in mind?' ' biography of the man,
with the emphasis on his experiences since the shooting. He was a
visible and well-respected reporter before it happened. Suddenly he's
seeing the justice system from the inside. I think that he'd have a lot
of light to shed on the strengths and weaknesses of that system.' '
expos6 on the prison system in America?'Maura sighed. ' does sound
like something you'd want to write.' ' an expos6 of the prison
system. The study of a man intimately involved in that system. I want to
get into his feelings about the crime, the conviction, the sentence, and
so on. If you're worried that it'll be ft' don't. Derek argued that he
shot Joey Padilla in selfdefense. He still maintains that.' Maura eyed
her cautiously. ' sound like you've already started researching. Do
you know Derek Mcgill?' ' met a while back. I've visited him several
times in prison.' ''re kidding.' '. The prison is in western
Massachusetts. I pass fairly close to it on MY way to Vermont. It's easy
enough to stop.' She purposely didn't mention those times when she'd
made the trip solely to see Derek. She was still trying to understand
her personal feelings for him. She certainly wasn't ready to share them
with Maura. ''s agreed to the project, then?' ' ... well, not
exactly.' ' do you mean?' ' mean that we haven't worked out the
details.' 209 Which was bluffing in a big way. it had been several
viisits since Sabrina had mentioned writing the book. When she'd been
with Derek lately, there had been other things on her mind. Mostly her
problems, she realized, but Derek hadn't objected. The few times she'd
tried to turn the tables and talk of what was happening to him, his eyes
had darkened and he'd grown distant. Not wanting that, she hadn't
pushed. The week before, when she'd spent several hours at Parkersville
while Nicky was being evaluated in Vermont, she'd needed every bit of
Derek's support. She hadn't wanted darkness or distance. She'd wanted
understanding. She'd gotten it, along with comfort and encouragement.

And stimulation. She'd been aware of his body. It was incredible,
because she'd been so upset about Nicky, but it was true. It was hard
not to be aware of a chest that was snugly fitted with a scooped-out
piece of thin white knit, and Derek's chest wasn't run-of-the-mill. it
was well developed. It was skin rolling tightly over sinewed shoulders,
a shy display of dark chest hair@ virile contours lovingly outlined. The
skimpy undershirt made him look rugged, a little dangerous, a lot
carnal. It also made him look sexy. '!' Maura exclaimed in a
whisper. She twisted in her seat to scan the diners who sat behind her.

"Your eyes'are positively smouldering. Who are you looking at?' Sabrina
went bright red. ' one. It must have been a trick of the light. Maura
turned front again, clearly disappointed at not having seen anyone even
remotely interesting. ' then, I'll repeat what I just said. If I
read between the 210 Jines, I come up with the uncomfortable notion that
Derek Mcgill doesn't want you to write the book., ' has some
reservations/ Sabrina conceded. ' doesn't like the idea of being
spectacularized. He's a very private person.' ' you think you can get
him to change his mind?' J think so.' ' sex?' Sabrina's eyes widened.

"In the book/Maura specified. ' sex in the book?' It was a minute
before Sabrina got her pulse under control. '. No sex,' She folded her
hands in her lap. '. Do you think it'll sell? ' yeah, it'll sell."
"Then why the glum face?' ' it has the makings of a blockbuster,
but you're cutting off its balls.' '. Listen. Sex or no sex, this
is a celebrity book, andthere is a loyal market for celebrity books. In
addition, I was under the impression that my last book won me some clout
in literary circles. Any book I write, celebrity or otherwise, will be
capably done. I would think it fair to assume that we both stand to make
a little money here.- Correct?' '.' er . smile.' She leaned
forward and said, sotto voce, ''s a good-looking guy who just took
a table on your right. He is alone. He has cast several lengthy glances
your way. I may be mistaken, but that looks like a diamond tie tack."
Maura smiled.

Chapter 9.

1. B. Monroe didn't smile when Sabrina
mentioned that she was thinking of writing Derek's story. ''s a dumb
idea.' ''s thatv she asked, giving a little push with her foot to
keep the glider moving. The terrace was shaded from the morning sun,
leaving the air pleasantly warm, rather than hot. Lying in her arms,
Nicky was content as long as the motion went on. ' one thing, you're
a woman.' rwhat does that have to do with anything? ' can't sashay
into an all-male prison to interview the guy.' ''ve been sashaying in
there, for the past five months.' J.B. didn't respond to what should
have been a minor bombshell. He was too busy staring at Nicky. He was
sitting in a chair opposite the swing, wearing nothing but a pair of
jams. Even faded, they clashed with the floral-colored cushions. Like
the time he'd shown up at the hospital, J. B.'s appearance the night
before had surprised Sabrina. She'd seen him twice now in three months,
which was a record of sorts. The official story was that he was in New
York to discuss the choice of a screenwriter for the adaptation of one
of his books into a movie, but Sabrina assumed much of that could have
been done on the phone, particularly since J.B. hated New York. She
wondered whether he had another reason for 212 She didn't think he'd
come just to see Nicky and her. He'd never been attentive..Resting her
chin on Nicky's head, she continued rocking. J.B. stared on. She
wondered what he saw when he looked at Nicky that way, but she wasn't
about to ask. If her brother started in on brilliant little spirits from
the center of the earth, she'd have to get up and leave. She didn't want
to have to do that. She was comfortable. It felt good to sit and swing.

"You've been to Parkersville?' J.B. asked. She nodded. ''s it like?

"Restrictive.' ''s Mcgill like?' She thought for a minute, trying to
choose words to describe Derek that wouldn't be too revealing. She
didn't want J.B. to ask questions she wasn't ready to answer. ''s
very bright. And interesting. He doesn't belong there.' ' that what he
tells you?' '"

".hen how do you know?' ' just ... know.' ' much
longer does he have?' ' few months.' ' then?' She. shrugged. ' don't
know if he's made any imrnediate plans.' ' would you write this
book?' ''d try to do all my interviewing before he gets out. He has the
time now. He may not then.' J.B. thrust a hand through his hair, then
forgetfully left the hand on his head. His expression was blank as he
continued to look at Nicky. 213 Closing her eyes, Sabrina rocked. She
breathed in Nicky's fresh-bathed scent, pressed one kiss on his head,
then another, began to hum a little song. it was a happy song, one she'd
deliberately chosen for its cheer, because when she sat here with her
baby, knowing that before long he'd be hundreds of miles away, she felt
cheerless. ' shouldn't send him there/ J.B. said, reading her mind.

I.B. - 1 ''t do it. What's so awful about this - beautiful terrace,
beautiful day, beautiful child?' '. You're right. It's all very
beautiful. But life is more than a single beautiful moment. This is a
rare breather for me. In a few minutes I'll have to get Nicky back to
work.' ' thought you said you stopped the drills.' ', yes.

But he still needs to be regularly exercised for muscle tone, and
flexibility.' As she talked, she looked down at the sm,111 arms and legs
that wouldn't work by themselves. They were bare now; Nicky was wearing
a diaper, bright red terrycloth shorts and nothing else. His skin was
smooth. Since he didn't play, he had none of the scrapes and scabs that
other three-year-olds had. And his hands and feet were perfect. '
isn't thrilled.' q know. Neither is Dad. He called the other day just to
make sure I knew. But they don't know what it's like, J.B. They don't
know what it's like to wake up to a nightmare and find that it's real.

They don't know the heartache ... the frustration ... the exhaustion."
She held her hand straight. it had a faint tremor. ''s nervous
tension.' J.B. looked at her hand, then at the arm of his chair. 214
The wrought iron had fancy scrollwork that would normally have occupied
him for a while. Surprisingly, though, he looked back at her after
little more than a minute. ' didn't you tell them about the divorce?"
"I did.' ' until a month later, and only after Mom heard it through
the grapevine.' Sabrina sank into a silence, of her own. She figured
that if J.B. could tune out, she could too. ' thought you were
different, he said. The glider moved back and forth, its tick-tick not
quite. in tune with the sounds of the city below. ' thought/he went
on, ' your "conventional marriagell would be the exception to the
rule in our family.' Sabrina brushed her lips back and forth over
Nicky's soft pecan cutls. ''re embarrassed/ he stated, shoving his
glasses up with the tip of his finger. ''re embarrassed to have to
admit that you're not superior after all.' That brought her from her
silence. '? I never said I was superior. I never thought I was
superior. just different.' She met her brother's gaze and found
surprising clarity there. ''re right. I am embarrassed. None of you
liked Nick, but I chose him. I chose him because I thought he'd make the
perfect husband, and I was wrong. I failed. I seem to be doing that a
lot lately. I've ' as a wife, failed as a mother, failed as a
writer. As though to make one of those points, Nicky wailed. Sabrina had
stopped pushing the glider. Quickly she resumed. ' a writer?' '
haven't written. I haven't been able to write. I always loved writing,
and I was good at it. To some 215 extent, I define myself in terms of
it, and I suppose -that's inevitable, coming from a family like ours.

But I've done nothing for three years. Do you have any idea what it's
like to feel stunted that way?, '.' "Nhat's your secret, J. B.? How do
you manage to keep on writing, regardless of what else is happening in
your life? ' else is/ J.B. answered. ' write. Period. Mom and
Dad write. Period. Is that the kind of life you wantv Sabrina didn't
have to give it much thought. '. That's where I'm different. I want it
all. I thought I had it all: husband, child, career - a cornucopia. I
"But it fell apart. Y'know, Sabrina, you're not any different from us.

We wanted all that'too, but we weren't willing to work for it. One makes
choices in life. I only hope you're making the right ones.' J.B. stayed
with Sabrina for two days, which was a first. Always before he'd had
hotel reservations. He hadn't cared for Nick, and Nick hadn't cared for
him. But with Nick gone, he felt perfectly comfortable iipposing on
Sabrina. Strangely, though, she didn't find it an imposition. Her
brother had definitely mellowed. He was more focused than he'd been. He
still had his tuned-out moments, hismoments of absent concentration, but
he wasn't so contrary as he might have been - and as though sensing
Sabrina would kick him out if he hatched a horror plot in her living
room, he behaved. He didn't go so far as to work out with Nicky, but
neither did he make any comments about the Greenhouse. He even offered
to stick around the city and drive her there on the day Nicky was to be
enrolled. 216 But she refused. That was something she had to do alone.

And besides, she would be visiting Derek. She was clinging to his neck.

Her arms trembled. Her whole body trembled. He tightened his hold,
trying to absorb the tremors and impart strength in return, but she
continued to shake. So he held her and felt inadequate, wanting to do
something to help, not knowing what she needed. ' is it, Sabrina?"
he whispered, dipping his mouth to her ear. She gave a quick, almost
convulsive head shake. Leaming back, he tried to get a look at her face,
but she wasn't having that either. She overlapped her arms at his nape
and made a sound of protest against his throat, but the sound was
followed by another, and though she seemed to regain control from there,
he realized she was crying. ' baby/ he moaned. He didn't know the
exact cause of her tears, but it didn't matter. Her grief became his.

"Shhhh/ he whispered, rocking her gently. '., Minutes went by. At
one point a nearby guard caught Derek's eye and must have seen something
powerful there - vulnerability, pleadin& pain - for he turned his back
on the embrace that had gone on too long and walked away. Gradually,
Sabrina quieted. She sandwiched a hand between Derek's throat and her
face and tried to blot her tears. Is there a tissue in your purse?' he
asked softly. When she nodded, he tugged at the purse strap, onehandedly
opened the purse, found the tissue and pressed it to her. Head bowed,
she stepped back from him and dabbed 217 a her eyes and cheeks. Still
without raising her head, she folded the damp tissue and slid it into
the pocket of her dress. Then she reached for his hand and held it.

Derek had had little experience with weeping women. He'd had little
patience with them, so held always walked away. Cynically, he'd believed
that women used tears as a-tool, and he supposed that was true in some
cases. Only now he wondered about the others. it occurred to him that
he'd copped out. It was far easier to see tears as a tool than to try to
understand and deal with the underlying problem. He'd been a coward. By
disgustedly stalking from the room - or the office or the apartment -
held taken the easy way out. He'd never had the time or desire to offer
comfort. Now he had both. Sabrina hadn't planned to cry. She wouldn't
look at him. She was clearly embarrassed by her tears. Putting her at
ease was a challenge he intended to meet. Without a word, he led her to
a bench and eased her down. Then he settled himself so that he faced
her. His thumb lightly caressed the back of her hand. ' was it?' he
asked softly. He knew that she'd come from Vermont. She'd told him in
her last visit that she'd made her decision. It was a minute before she
could speak, and then only after she'd taken a shaky breath. ' me put
it this way. When you drive twenty miles down a -lonesome country road
and you can't see the road for the tears in your eyes and you don't
crash into a tree or a fence or a cow, you know that Someone's watching
over you.'Her voice fell to a breath above a whisper. ''s reassuring.

There are times when I've wondered if He exists. I Derek knew the
feeling all too well. Held never been overly religious, but he must have
assumed there was a God, because he'd been upset by the thought - and it
218 had come to him more than once in the past twenty Months - that He
wasn't there. ' guess the proper awtude is that things happen for a
reason.' Irvimm. That is the "proper" attitude. The only '. I
have with it is figuring out the reason. Why ",was Nicky born
brain-damaged? To punish him? Or Ine, or Nick? To give the Greens
another boarder? And why are you here?' ' one's obvious. If I
weren/t here, you'd be making -that trip to and from Vermont without a
break.' Sabrina was astonished by his tongue-in-cheek '. If she'd
asked why he was at Parkersville when she'd first started visiting him,
his eyes would have darkened, his jaw would have clenched, he'd have off
into the distance. She knew that he hadn't to terms with his
incarceration, which meant that his good humor was for her benefit. That
knowledge was both warming and humbling. 11 hope you know/ she said
quietly, ''given a choice of having you here or free, I'd have
gladly made the trip without a break.' Derek had to swallow down the
hardness in his throat. She did it to him every time - looked at him a
certain ', spoke in a certain tone, -said certain words that touched
the raw and sensitive spot no woman had touched before. He was never
quite expecting it, and wondered if he ever would. He felt so unworthy
at times. He kissed her check, then her forehead. Drawing her arm
through his, he started to walk. They walked the length of the yard,
then sat beneath a tree and quietly discussed Sabrina's feelings about
leaving Nicky at the Greenhouse. She told him about the Greens'
enthusiasm and understanding, and about the concern she felt
nonetheless. She told him about simultaneous feelings of letdown and
relief, and 219 about a sense of floundering. Tears came to her eyes
when she mentioned the pocket of emptiness that was a dull ache in her
chest. And the guilt. She told him about the guilt. Derek was a good
listener. As an interviewer, he'd had to be. But his patience now came
not from that training, but from the heart. He wanted to help Sabrina.

Offering a sounding board was one of the few things that circumstance
would allow him to do. Moreover, he thought her decision was the right
one. When she was finished, he told her so. ' yourself, Sabrina.

You've done the right thing.' She shot the sky a beseechful glance.

"Lord, I hope so.' But her gaze quickly returned to Derek. He was
looking at her as though he wanted to wrap her in silk and love her. At
that moment she wanted it, too. When, with the slightest tilt of his
head, he beckoned her into his arms, she went willingly, then sighed in
sheer pleasure. There was something of a homecoming in the embrace,
something comfortable and right. The hardness of Derek's body was a
perfect foil for her softness, her vulnerability. In his arms, she felt
shielded from the woes of the world. For several minutes, holding each
other was enough. Then, just when she was beginning to feel the need for
something more, Derek took her face in his hands and tipped it up.

Starting at the spot near the bridge of her nose and working slowly,
symmetrically and with the slightest of tremors, his thumbs traced her
eyebrows, arced back to skim the beginnings of her ears, swung down
along her jaw and met at her chin. With a smile in his eyes, he lowered
his head and found her lips, close to the center of the heart he'd
drawn. 220 Sabrina was startled. She'd known not to expect the
feather-light kisses of earlier visits, and had truly been prepared for
the hunger of a man who'd been without for too long. She'd seen that
hunger, had heard it in his voice and felt it in his body on other days.

And the hunger was there now, but it was different. It was everything
held been all afternoon - gentle, understanding, compelling,
intelligent, stimulating in the most subtle of ways. @ His lips were
warm, firm yet mobile. They caressed hers, slid and shaped and enveloped
her with such incredibly tender force that she had to fight for breath.

The shock registered through the fingers she dug into the hard flesh of
his shoulders. Quickly releasing her mouth, he gave her a minutels
breath while he stroked her back and gentled her with whispered words.

Then, unable to deny himself, he captured her mouth again. He was.

bolder this time, because the shock of gentleness had hit him too,
zeroing in on his loins. His mouth grew more darin& coaxing hers wider,
and when the only resistance she offered was a tiny gasp, he touched his
tongue to hers. The jolt was physical, frightening in its intensity.

Sabrmia pulled back, and the iear she felt must have filled her eyes,
because rather than forcing her, Derek cupped her face and held it
tenderly. His eyes touched each pale feature. A tiny smile touched his
mouth. ''re beautiful, do you know thatv She was about to say that
she didn't feel it, that she rarely had in the last few years. But at
that moment she did. Derek's caring acted on her like a master's brush,
painting beauty where there had been none. He made her feel feminine and
confident. She wanted the first and needed the last. Very badly. 221 '
think you'd better leave/ he whispered, dropping a soft kiss on the tip
of her nose. ' not, I'm apt to get rough. I can feel it comin& and
you're not helping.' Sabrina could feel it coming, too. His arousal was
very real, not complete but getting there. ' dear/ she murmured. '"Oh
dear" is right.' ' I step back ... or waitv Derek took a good look
around the prison yard. He saw an inmate named Foss, a specialist in
armed robbery, and Webber, who had earned hard time by selling crack to
a group of high-schoolers, one of whom had later died. He saw Hamhock,
whose real name was as much a mystery as his crime and whose reputation
was based on his way with his fists. Then there were the guards. Derek
looked from one to another of them, and by the time he looked back at
Sabrina, his ardor had cooled. ''m okay/he said somberly and stepped
back. ' carefully.' She nodded but didn't move. ', Sabrina.' With
her eyes focused on his face, she took a single step backward. '
...'he warned with just enough frustration to sound like anger, and
that brought her to her senses. ''m going/ she said quickly and started
to walk. After several paces, though, she paused, turning back for a
final look. Derek stood watching her. His shoulders were straight, his
feet planted firmly on the ground. He looked grim and determined as he
hitched his chin toward the gate. Not wanting to make things worse, she
left. 222 Sabrina slept for nearly three days straight when she got back
to New York. She didn't get dressed. She didn't make the bed, since she
wasn't up long enough to bother. She took an occasional bath, made an
occasional meal. Then she went back to sleep. Though she knew that she
was making up for three years' worth of fatigue, she also knew that
there was an element of escape in her rest. When she slept, she didn't
have to think. And more than anything, that was what she wanted - and
needed. She'd done too much thinking lately. The decision to place Nicky
in a residential center was the hardest she'd ever made. She'd earned
the rest. At the end of those three days, she got out of bed, bathed,
dressed and went for a walk. She walked very slowly. It struck her as
she walked that she'was the only one doing it. in spite of the heat,
people were passing her, rushing off to wherever it was they were
headed. Hundreds of people, hundreds of different destinations. Facial
expressions ranging from preoccupied to bored to hassled. There was
something disconnected about it all that she found depressi . But then,
New York was that way. When she'd been at Columbia, she'd been
insulated; the college and her friends had offered a haven from' the
anonymity of the city. When she'd married, her husband had taken over
that role. He'd been joined in time by friends, then her son. Now Nick
was gone. Nicky was gone. other than Maura, there were no friends she
cared to call. She was an anonymous face in an anonymous world. She was
alone. Two weeks later, on a Sunday, Sabrina went to see Nicky. The
Greens had suggested that she plan on monthly visits, but this first
time she needed to see 223 him sooner. She needed to know that even
without forewarning, she'd find her son clean and well cared for. '
was he?'Derek asked several hours later. He and Sabrina were walking the
perimeter of the yard. She nodded, but didn't speak. Seeing Nicky had
been a, heart-wrenching experience. Seeing Derek helped, but she was
still feeling a little bruised. He caught one of her hands and threaded
his fingers through hers. Want to talk about it?' She looked up at him,
smiled sadly and shook her head. "I'd only be repeating things I've said
before. Ed bore you.' '.' But she really didn't want to talk about
Nicky today. She had already talked too much about Nicky, about Nick,
about herself. So she remained quiet, holding Derek's hand, walking.

"More crowded today/ she commented. ''s a Sunday. You've never been
here on a Sunday.' '.' She nodded at one ' the other visitors, a
woman she'd come to recognize over the course of five months. A bit
later she smiled at another. They no longer seemed as coarse or
downtrodden to her, but had taken on the identities that Derek had
helped flesh out. Each was an individual. A sad individual. ' York is
weird/she said. weirdi, Tonely.' ' feel that way because Nicky's in
Verniont.' '. It's New York. I'm not sure I want to stay.' '
would you go?' ' don't know. Some place peaceful ... friendly.' As they
walked on, Derek pictured a place like that. Two years before, he'd have
equated peaceful and 224 ductive. Now peaceful 0 y w hiendl ith
boring and nonpr and friendly sounded nice. At length, they stopped
beneath a tree and slid down nst its trunk. The prison was behind them;
before em were the woods. A bluejay alighted on the top of of the
fences. A bee buzzed nearby. The smell of ...... ly mown grass
surrounded them. Deceptive/ Derek said, and she knew just what he #How
does the jay know which fence to land on?' ' doesn't.' ''t some of
them electrified?' ' of the three. Don't know which one. She
shuddered. ' birds must take a beating. ', most know not to
come anywhere near The jay is a little perverse, that's all. And cocky.

Re likes to stand at the top of the heap, so he takes his um. thances.

Once in a while he gets b ed.' Derek's somber tone drew her eyes
away from the S e studied him, saw that his gray eyes had gone oudy,
knew what he was thinking. And she was about it, too. She'd been
thinking about it a as s e'd wandered through New York. S e was tired of
talking about herself. It was time to the tables. ' me about it,
Derek. Tell me about what happ d that night., ene He tipped his head
back against the tree and closed his eyes. A pair of geese flew
overhead. Bested, the jay left its perch and returned to the woods. '
told the court what happened.' ' told them the bare facts. But
there's more. You have a theory. I know you do. Tell me.' His jaw
tensed. ''s no point in hashing and rehashing.' 225 ' do it., '
don't have any other choice. There isn't a hell Of a lot else to think
about around here., ' if you could share it ... He shook his head.

"Don't you trust mep @f course I do/ he muttered, opening his eyes to
scowl at her. ', God, Sabrina, it's so damned frustrating! I've been
over the facts hundreds and hundreds of times, and I can't see it any
other way. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going mad,' Do it one more time,
Derek. For me. I'll let you know if you're off the wall.' He didn't know
why hedecided to tell her. Maybe it was because he needed to talk to
someone, needed a fresh opinion. Maybe it wasn't just anyone he needed
to talk to, but Sabrina. He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a
minute, then slowly released it and began to speak. ' was working on a
story for the show.-It was on the accuracy Of eyewitness testimony. I
was spotlighting three cases where men had been convicted of crimes and
then subsequently released when eyewitnesses recanted their testimony."
He fell silent, staring off into the depth of the woods. ' on/she
prompted softly. ' wanted A piece de r6sistance to make the story
special. So I started looking into the case of a Massachusetts man who
had been convicted of armed robbery and given a pretty stiff sentence.

He was an unlikely armed robber - black, but an engineer, distinctly
white-collar. There was no motive to speak of. His conviction was based
largely on the testimony of three eyewitnesses. During the trial, the
defense tried to cast doubt on their testimony. Not only was it dark 226
@&e night of the robbery, but it was a while - several onth - before the
eyewitnesses had come forward. top of that, two of those eyewitnesses
had criminal rds while the third was on bail awaiting trial.' brina was
intrigued. If what Derek was telling her d come out during his trial, it
never made the papers. never heard this part of the story. ' they
blackmailed into testifying?' 11 s beginning to look that w@ay. The
man await- t wa trial got away with probation on a larceny charge a at s
t s uld have earned him hard time. And more one person I interviewed
said that the other two t a ay with hell after testifying., arina
shifted to lean against one of Derek's bent ' and face him.-Who
could have been behind it? The police?' ' likely an ambitious D.A.

who wanted a con- @'11, viction for at least one of a series of armed
robberies t had the people of the county riled up.' ' the phone call
you got? Where does that fit in?' -'This particular robbery had taken
place in a small -,town in the southwestern part of the state. Id been
Jairly visible talking with people there, so I wasn't , when I
got a call from a man who said he could personally place those two other
witnesses on Cape Cod at the time of the robbery. He said he had proof -
signed IOUs from a poker game, motel receipts - but he said that if I
wanted them, I'd have to come quickly, because his wife was very nervous
about his sticking his neck out and she! d already threatened to destroy
the papers.' Derek looked at Sabrina. ' sounded legitimate, so I
went.' His lips twisted in self-disgust. ' of me. Shortsighted to
have gone alone, but it was late at night. I decided that - based on
what he'd said about 227 his wife - the man would never, permit himself
to be filmed, so I didn't bother with a camera crew. And it seemed crazy
to wake the producer from a sound sleep when I could do the work
myself.' His voice grew tighter. ' only I had. If only I'd
called, someone anyone - to go with me. Then Id have had a witness of my
own. If only Id called someone and that person had refused for an
invalid reason, I'd have been able to point a finger.' Sabrina ran her
hand around his neck and kneaded the taut muscles she found. He rolled
his head in appreciation, then sighed. ', I went alone. I drove up
from New York - it was an easy enough drive at that hour - and I was
familiar enough with the town so that I had no trouble finding the spot
he'd named. It was a parking lot behind a block of stores. Pitch-black,
let me ten you, and deserted except for one other car, a Cutlass, just,
as he'd said. I remember thinking to myself, "What harm can there be?

He's a poor henpecked schnook." So I parked, got out of the car and
waited. The door to the other car opened and a man got out. We must have
been about thirty feet apart. I called his name - he'd said it was
Walsh. He called mine for confirmation. Then we started walking toward
each other.' Sabrina's eyes were wide. Her hand had come to rest on his
collarbone. ' did you see the gun? I ' didn't. It was too dark. But
when he was about ten feet away I noticed that there was something odd
about his shape, odd about the way he was holding his arm.' Derek didn't
move, but his body had tensed to a state of coiled readiness. He was
back in that parking lot, reliving the moment of awareness. ' never saw
the gun with my eyes, only with my mind in a flash of recognition. The
way he was holding his arm, at just 228 t angle/ supporting just that
much weight. it was an ""instinctive thing. A split-second image. A gut
conviction. I He sent Sabrina a pleading look. ' that make any
sense. ' can imagine it happening.' The pleading look remained for a
minute more, then fad. ed. ', the prosecutor couldn't. He made a big
d1ing about why I didn't just assume the guy was holding the papers he'd
promised.' ' why would that have mattered?' q claimed I'd come to
that meeting totally innocent of a setup. The prosecutor claimed that I
knew there would be trouble. If I'd been truly innocent, the pros-
,ecutor went on to say, I wouldn't have been on the T.1-ookout for a
gun.' ' must be equating innocent with dumb/ Sabrina commented a bit
dryly. ' was dark. You were alone ,.','@and unarmed. Only a fool would
have been blind to th ibility of foul play.' e poss ' thing is,
Sabrina, that I wasn'tconsidering the possibilities at that point. It
all happened so quickly.' He took a shuddering breath. ' mind told me
he had a b1m. I dove and tackled him. We struggled, the gun -we nt off,
he fell back.' His pulse had picked up speed. She could feel it beneath
her hand, beneath the heat of his skin. Beneath hi's hair, his forehead
was misted with sweat. And in his eyes she saw something she'd never
seen before. Sheer terror. For the very first time, Sabrina realized
that on top of everything else, Derek Mcgill had to deal with the
knowledge that he'd ended a human life. Whispering his name, she went
forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. It was a minute before she
felt his arms complete the circle, but their strength 229 more than made
up for the delay. ''m sorry I asked/1 she whispered. ' didn't
mean to put you through it again.' ' do it nearly every night/ came his
hoarse reply. ''s one more time? I ' helps me understand when I
hear. ' long as you don't write it. I She drew back her head. ' want
to. You know that. The terror was gone from his eyes, replaced by
determination. ' you know that I don't want you to., ' would be so
good to have your side of the story put into print.' ' haven't heard
half of my side of the story.' ''m ready whenever you are. ''m not
now.' ' when?' ' never.' ' maybe before never? Come on,
Derek. Let me give it a shot.' But he was shaking his head in slow, firm
shakes. ' can't let you do it. Not yet. It could spoil everything. No
one can give me back the twenty months of my life that I've lost, but
someone's going to be very sorry for having made me lose Her fingers
covered his mouth, cutting off his threat. She gave a quick head shake
to deny both the words and the vengeful look in his eye. But the look
didn't go away, and when she released his mouth, he immediately said, '
mean it, Sabrina. Someone's going to pay.' ''t say it. Don't even
think it. ' not?'he asked coolly. ' it's dangerous.1 '
should have thought of that when he set 230 AV first to be murdered,
then to take the fall for F. , my would-be murderer.' -ivho was
it, Derek?' His angry mouth stayed closed. Do you know?' she asked. 11
have a pretty good idea.' T,@..,tand you're going to pay him back/ she
said, nodding she slid from his lap. ''s brilliant. You could end up
right back here and for a much longer 14tretch next time.' He stiffened
his spine. ' on, Sabrina. I'm not d b. I'm not planning murder.

Believe it or not, that urn I'm not a violent man.' ' do believe it -
except for, the times when you get that look of revenge in your eye. If
it isn't violent, nothing is.' That's anger you see, and yes, it's
violent. It seethes inside and is as violent as anything I've ever felt.

I am father's son in that sense. But man evolves. Each fion is a little
more advanced than the one re. I have more smarts than the old man did.

Before anger escapes, it passes through the filter of my d. I'm a
calculating man. No, I don't have anything U,,e murder in mind. Murder
wo)ald be too easy.' "k, ' very trite expression.' ' things
are trite because they express @,.,Yery simple truths.' L ' what is
the truth here? Is it mental torture you have in mind?' He clenched his
jaw. ' could say that.' ' it through a book, Derek. Do it through
my book. Wouldn't that be vengeance enough - to lay it -all out in black
and white for the world to see?' '.' She drew her knees up and
fastened them in with 231 -her arms. ' see@. Simple vengeance isn't
enough. You want' - she dropped her voice and droned - '-ven-ge.

Y'know, you should speak with my brother. J.B. has all sorts of meaty
ideas for inflicting mental torture.' Derek's eyes were dark, as was his
mood. ' fun of it if you want, but you haven't been the one rotting
here for twenty months. You haven't been the one sitting and stewing,
watching the world go by without you. You haven't been the one to look
back on your past and see years of effort go down the tubes. You can
make fun of it, Sabrina, but that just goes to prove where you're coming
from, and where you're coming from isn't where I'm coming from.' ''re
wrong, Derek.' '? What do you know of me? What do you really know of
me, of my life?' ' much. You've guarded the facts like gold bars at
Fort Knox.' ' you want to know why? Because I was protecting you,
You're clean, you're good. You're like the fairy princess I might have
read about when I was a kid, except that I didn't have much time to read
because I was too busy defending my name on the street. I ''m not a
weakling, Derek. I can handle just about anything you give me.' 1A, you
handled the beating I got? I'll never forget the look of disgust on your
face when you- took a good, close look at mine., All too clearly she
remembered the day, remembered Derek walking toward her, trying to look
normal even though his body listed and his face was a mass Of bruises.

"That wasn't disgust/ she said quietly. ' was horror - which you'd
have realized if you'd been in less pain. Would you rather I'd looked at
you and laughed?' 232 ''d rather/ he said in a low, tempered voice,
'you -mind your own business when it comes to something :"that doesn't
concern you. Whether or not I exact @iirevenge is no concern of yours."
I I Sabrina was stung. She had honestly thought that Derek and she had
come beyond that. She thought -they were friends - no, more than
friends. Friends didn't kiss the way they did, or ache to touch each
other as they did. She'd simply assumed that they'd see each other when
Derek was released. And now he was telling her that his future was no
concern of hers? ' are a self-pitying bastard/ she heard herself say
as she scrambled to her feet. ' - Sabrina, waid' Derek was up,
loping after her, catching her by the arm and halting her flight. Blond
hair flying in a shimmering arc, she rounded on him with a fury that was
born of very deep, private, very new feelings. ' think you have a
monopoly on pain, but you don't, Derek, you don't.' She shook off his
hand. ' last three years of my life have been a living hell. If you
want to talk anger or frustration or waste, I know all about it. I've
been in a cage just as binding as the one you're in, and the worst of it
is that now I'm out, there's nothing I ran do. There's no one to blame
for what happened to Nicky. I couldn't take revenge if I tried. But you'
- she gasped for a breath - ! have choices. A wrong was done you. You
can trace that wrong, document it in detail, do something with the
information. You want to be your father's son ... okay, track down the
man who set you up, then follow him, follow him wherever he goes, let
him know you're following him, let him know that when ' get tired of
following him you'll pick up a rifle with an infrared long-range sight
and shoot him. Let him shake a little. How does that sound?' 233
Shaking, herself, she rushed on before Derek could speak. ' course,
you'll be wasting that many more years of your life if you do that. You
won't be moving ahead. You'll be giving that creep the satisfaction of
knowing that he's taken not two, but three or four or five years of your
life. Think of the sense of power he'll have. And you? You won't be an
investigative reporter anymore. You won't be any kind of reporter,
because you won't have the time. And even if you did, you'd be branded
obsessed. No one would want to work with you. And that goes for me. You
want me to mind my own business when it comes to things. that don't
concern me? Fine. You're right. I deserve more.' She turned, knowing
that if she didn't make good her escape, she'd dissolve into tears. This
time, though, Derek didn't only grab her arm. He had her pressed to his
body before she had time for a breath. '/ he whispered against her
hair, then inhaled sharply. ''t leave.' He backed up to a tree. '
like this. Don't leave yet.' ' you don't want me involved - ' do.

You're the only thing that's held any meaning in my life for the past
five months.' Bracing his legs apart, he drew her into the cradle of his
hips. 11 need you, Sabrina.' ' - '. ' don't want you involved
because I don't want you hurt.' ''ll be hurt if I'm not involved.' She
raised her head, and in that instant she identified the very deep, very
private, very new feeling she had. She touched his cheek with a
trembling hand. Her finiers whispered over his cheekbones, soothed the
scar by his eye, erased the last of the scowl lines from his brow, sank
deep into his thick, dark hair. '?' she mouthed. 234 Derek had
never seen love in a woman's eyes. Held n affection and desire - even
adoration in the eyes the occasional fan - but never love. The
difference ""*as in depth. When he looked, into Sabrina's eyes, he
looking into a fathomless well of warmth, of and giving and need. It had
to be the most wonderful, most humbling sight held ever seen. 10h b I
he murmured and lowered his mouth. He aby, didn't kiss her, but paused
just shy of the act, retreated, sought her eyes again to make sure he
hadn't imagined what he'd seen. it was there. All of it. Everything he
felt, himself, more. This time he did touch her lips, but very, very
gently, though too much pressure might shatter something new. He covered
her mouth, lightly sucked it in, owly rel eased it, drew back, then
dipped his head and ssed her again in the samej slow, sipping way. He
scovered that the taste of love was that much more M, that much more
sweet than anything he'd ever tasted. It was also more lasting, causing
each succes- ,*;ive kiss - and one followed the other in lingering
ession - to be even more rich, even more sweet. And addictive. And
arousing. ' ...' he whispered against her mouth as the k:@,heat
rose in his body. She opened her eyes. Her hands held his head, fingers
Jost in his hair. She was vaguely aware of standing on tiptoe, but she
hadn't knowingly made the effort.' 11,@Derek's arms had done it for her,
closing around her, supporting. Her gaze went from his eyes to his mouth
and ered there. His lips were moist, parted. She wanted ek,@,,.t, hem
again. But more than that, she wanted him. She It yet know in what
capacity, but she knew that 235 she wanted to make love with him, wanted
to sleep with him, wanted to wake up in his arms and lie with him in the
sun. I Needing to tell him how she felt, she initiated the kiss this
time. But initiation was all she got, because Derek met her, matchedher,
and the kiss became one of mutual dawning. Everything was new. Sabrina
was far from a virgin, yet the small sounds that came from her throat
when he filled her mouth with his tongue, the helpless gasps when he
slid his hands up by the sides of her breasts spoke of a near-virginal
surprise. Likewise, Derek's blood was running hotter than it had run
since he'd been twelve. We have to stop/he gasped. ' no.' He put his
forehead to hers and squeezed his eyes shut. His breathing was rough.

"Do you know ... there are some weekends when they have games and family
picnics ... nine months later some of the wives give birth.' '?"
she whispered. She had both hands flat on his chest and was moving them
up and down over the thin, white knit of his tank top. ' the bathroom.

I want you so bad that I'd almost think of dragging you there, but itd
be so dirty, and you're so clean.' ''m not ' weren't made for quick
and shabby. You were made for slow and rich, silk sheets, soft sounds."
"I'm not a - I ' couldn't take you there/ he said more harshly. '
couldn't take you anywhere in this place. I'd lose it, I know I would.

Psychologically, I couldn't do it. I'd think of all these guys screwing
bimbos against the wall .. 236 VIF, Please don't.' She knew that he
was working self up, taking sexual frustration and letting it MU oom
into a more general anger. ' doesn't Matter, Derek. We'll have time."
"God, I hate this place! ' won't be here forever.' IBut will you want
me when I'm out?' She looked at him in surprise and saw the vulner-
@,-.';bility that he either hadn't bothered or been able to -lude. '
course I'll want you when you're out/ she answered, puzzled. ' could
you think I wouldn'tv ''ll be an ex-convict.' ' that supposed to be
worse than a convictv 11 don't know. Maybe this place ... it's
convenient you when you see Nicky.' ', I haven't been stopping here
just because it's convenient.' ' it's that little bit of danger
here that turns YOU on. She took his hand from the back of her waist,
held it "in both of hers, kissed his knuckles, then pressed it to her
heart. Her eyes held his. ''s not that.' ' ...' She was very
carefully separating his fingers, shaping his hand to her breast.

Wanting to concentrate on the sensation, she closed her eyes. Derek
swallowed hard. He knew he should tug his hand away, knew that feeling
her would only make things worse, but he couldn't deny himself. There
had been so few pleasures in his life in the last twenty months. Most
had revolved around Sabrina. just as he'd needed to kiss her before, he
needed to touch her now. Her breast filled his palm. She wasn't large,
but she was well formed and firm. Heat shimmered through layers of
fabric - chic, stylishly wrinkled cotton and 237 beneath that a bra -
and those layers kept him from feeling her nipple, even when he stroked
her lightly. But he heard when she sucked in her breath, and he knew
from the way she arched her back that she enjoyed his touch. ' here/
he whispered hoarsely, turning so that she was beneath him against the
tree. He'd been to his share of orgies, but making love with an audience
had never turned him on. He was very turned on now. He couldn't help
himself - At least he could shield Sabrina Some. Thrusting a leg between
hers, he leaned into her. He ducked his head and traced her, lips with
his tongue while he carefully released a button on her blouse and slid
his hand inside. Sucking in a breath, Sabrina opened her eyes to his. '
have to touch/ he whispered. The urgency of it was written all over his
face. He found her breast, circled it, covered it, then began to knead.

"Have to touch ... Is it good? I Eyes glued to his, she nodded. She was
biting her lower lip to keep from crying out. Her hands clung to his
sides, fingers digging into the hard skin just above his jeans. Derek
was panting softly when he put his lips to her temple. -He moved his
hips against her thigh, but she was the one to put the need into words.

"I want you/ she, whispered. Heat was gathering in her body, pooling
between her legs, and just above that the ache was intense. She'd never
in her life felt the kind of driving desire she felt at Derek's hands.

To say that she loved him only went partway in explaining that desire.

Once upon a time, she'd loved Nick, yet she'd never felt what she did
now. 238 @-",Nick had wanted her. Derek needed her. She sup- d that was
the most immediate of the differences. small cry slipped from her
throat. Lon& lean ers had stolen beneath the lace of her bra and were
fire to her bare breast. She cried out again when fingertip grazed her
nipple, which was already taut ond straining. ' God/she cried in a
high whisper. ' God ...' ' Him/ Derek returned on a hoarse but
regretful note, ' me., Taking back his hand, he drew her from the
tree and crushed her to his length. His body trembled in longing. '
can't give you what you need just now. I wish I could, but I can't.' It
wasn't a question of impotence: he was stone-hard against her.

Reassured, she said, ' can't give you what you need, either.' Her voice
was muffled against his chest. The scent of his body was cushioning her
descent from desire's high. Jf we were somewhere else, somewhere private
"Yes. In a minute.' He moaned. ' don't deserve you, Sabrina.' ' refuse
to argue about that. Not any more today./ fften will I see you again? '
don't know.' She rubbed her cheek against the fine, curling hairs that
his shirt didn't cover. ' two weeks?' The sound she made, a
swallowed groan, mirrored his own feelings about a two-week separation.

Pushing off from his chest, she raised urgent eyes. ' me something
to do, Derek. Please. Give me something constructive., He knew that she
wanted to write. He also knew that he had no intention of letting her
publish his story before he had done what he was set to do. But there
was another need he had. When she came to see him, he knew that he was
her focus. He was 239 selfish enough to want that even when she was back
in New York. Besides, what he'd be asking was right down her alley. '
can help me/ he said very quietly. The process of thought and its
direction had effectively cooled his heat. He sniffed in a breath and
straightened, lifting his weight from her. ' the name Lloyd
Ballantine ring a bell? I It was a minute before she realized what he
was saying, a minute before she'd recovered enough from his touch - and
its sudden loss - to do that. ' Ballantine was ... a justice of
the Supreme Court. He died in an automobile accident several years ago."
She wondered why Derek had asked. He didn't let her wonder long. ' want
to know anything and everything you can learn about the man.' She
nodded, but she was wondering again. It was only natural. ''t ask/ he
said, and there was something in his quiet tone that underscored the
request. Cupping her shoulders, he looked down at her. ' shouldn't be
involving you at all this way, but you wanted to help - , dov He gnawed
on the inside of his cheek and contemplated the eagerness in her eyes.

Then he gave a single, resigned nod. ' Ballantine. Anything and
everything. As discreetly as possible.' It wasn't until later, in the
car heading back to New York, that Sabrina wondered about the rest of
Derek's story. She hadn't heard his. theory about what had happened. She
hadn't been able to offer an opinion. But she would see him again. There
would be other 240 "is, other talks. She was deeply and emotionally
committed. And able. She didn't know why learning about Lloyd Ballantine
was important to Derek, but one thing she did know was that when it came
to doing research, few people were more thorough than she.

chapter 10.

Uarning about Ll* oyd Ballantine was a far greater undertaking than
Sabrina had imagined, both because there was an abundance of sources to
plumb and because the initial sampling she made of those offered
-little. Newspaper and magazine profiles drew identical pictures of a
hard worker, a scholar, a family man who had been a moderate force on
the bench. She waded through a biography that had been written shortly
after his death, but it was a long-winded and saccharine affair. What
surprised her was that it had been penned by a well-known author, a man
whose past work had led her to expect something more than Pablum. She
spent several mornings at the public library working with microfiche and
took out an armload of magazines to pore through at home. But she made
less headway than she'd hoped, because she had decided to put the Fifth
Avenue apartment on the market, and there was immedia e activity. On a
Saturday in early August, after nearly two weeks in New York, she drove
north again. This time she stopped at Parkersville first. The guards at
the front desk had come to know her. She stood apart physically from
many of the other regular visitors - and beyond that, she was friendly.

Once she had begun to recognize the faces behind the glass, she'd
offered smiles in greeting. In time the smiles were returned. 242 were
no smiles on this day, though. ''s not Mrs. Stone.' ,_1 osebrina was
sure she'd heard wrong. ' me?' e's not here.' @@She frowned, then
swallowed. ' here?' Possi- ' started popping into her head, the
first of which .' that there had been another fight and Derek had hurt
seriously enough to warrant transfer to other facility. Her heart began
to-pound. Vhere is ' can't tell you that.' Vas he hurt?' Not as far as
I know.' Then he's all rightv q presume so.' She tried to keep calm and
consider the other possibilities. She knew that he wasn't due to appear
before .'@Jhe parole board for another two months, but perhaps that
process had been hastened. ' he been released?' she asked, afraid to
hope. It was just as well she hadn't, because the answer she received
was a firm, '. No release.' ' he in solitary?' It might have been
the loss of color on her face, or -the worry in her eyes, or the good
will her smiles had built up over the past months. But the guard seemed
to soften. ''d tell you if he was. I'm sorry, Mrs. Stone, he just isn't
here. I know he's been transferred, but that's it.' She believed that
the man really did know nothing, but that was small solace. ' would
he have been transferred?' The guard shrugged. ' there trouble here?"
Another shrug. 243 Did he - was there any message left for me? He '
have known I'd be coming.' The guard arched back from the speaker and
said something to his colleagues, who rummaged through several small
piles of papers. Their search turned up nothing. Taking a deep,
steadying breath, Sabrina tried to understand her options. '/ she
began quietly, ' I go about learning where Derek is?' ''m not
sure, Mrs. Stone. If it was public knowledge, we'd know ourselves.' '
guards in his house - they'd know, wouldn't they?' '.1 ' the
warden. I'd like to see the warden.' ''s away for the weekend.' '
must have left someone in charge. An assistant 21 warden. ''s right,
but you can't see him. Not today. You'll need an appointment, and you
can't get that till Monday! q don't believe this/ she whispered in
dismay, then moved on to her next option. ' `;07.' it's Saturday, I'll
probably run into a dead end with the Department of Corrections, too. Do
you have an inside number I camn try?, The guard cast a glance behind
her at the line that was beginning to form. He leaned closer to the
speaker. ' the phone book, The commissioner's Lou Degenio. He lives
in Watertown.' Her eyes went wide. "The commissioner? He was personally
involved in Derek's transfer?' ' necessarily. But Mcgill isn't our
average customer. If Degenio doesn't know about the case, he'll tell you
who does., 244 that she would get no more, Sabrina thanked a final sad
smile and left. Stopping at a pay in town, she found that the phone book
had I..:been stolen. Not that it would have solved the probum.

According to Directory Assistance, there were four Louis Degenios in
Watertown.., Sabrina was just bold enough, just desperate enough -.@to
call each of the four and ask if she'd reached the .. commissioner of
Corrections. She was holding her @'.breath when she reached the
last,'then let it out in a
"Stoan when she was told that, no, this
wasn't the, commissioner and that the commissionerhad an un- fisted
number. Feeling an incredible emptiness, she drove on into Vermont, to
the small inn where she'd planned to spend the night. There, in a room
that might well have hostcd George Washington in his day, she phoned New
York. After trying each of the city boroughs, the operator finally found
a Westchester number for the Sabrina had given. Sabrina prepared herself
_,"for the probability that the man wasn't home as she @dialed it. A
deep, gravelly voice answered. ' '. Cottrell?' Immm?, grateful sigh
and followed it with a 51:` She let out a rush of words. ' name is
Sabrina Stone. I'm a friend I wouldn't be disturbing you at of Derek
Mcgill's, and home on a Saturday if I didn't feel the situation was
urgent. I went to Parkersville today and Derek wasn't there. He hadn't
said anything to me about the possibility that he might be transferred,
even though he knew I'd be back to visit, and he didn't leave a message.

None of the guards could tell me where he was. I'll need an appointment
to meet with any of the Prison, 245 officials, the Department of
Corrections is closed, and the commissioner's phone is unlisted.' She
was close to tears. ' you know where he is?' There was a brief silence
on the other end of the line, and for a split second Sabrina wondered if
she'd gotten the wrong man after all. She clearly remembered the name
David Cottrell from newspaper reports of Derek's trial, but she couldn't
rule out the possibility that in her upset she'd remembered wrong. Fears
were crowding her mind, confusing her. Then David's voice came across,
still sandy but alert and cautious. ' you all right, Mrs. Stonev She
breathed again. ''m fine, but is Derek? I saw him the last time he was
beaten. He should have been taken to a hospital then. Now I'm imagining
all kinds of awful things. Do you have any idea what's happened?, '
is fine.' ' you surep ''m sure.' ' do you know?' ' spoke with
him this morning., I've been trying to reach, you ever since. if you
were on your way to Parkersville, that would explain why I couldn't get
through.' Sabrina sank down on the bed. David Cottrell had spoken with
Derek, and he was all right. ' is hev she asked weakly. ''s been
transferred., ' told me that much, but to where? There was a pause.

"I shouldn't say that either, butj yes, I know.' Vhy can't you tell me
where he is? ''m told that information is classified.' 246 ng him I'm
his ... I'm ... I've been visiti arly.1 know that, Mrs. Stone/ David said
in his deep :.,voice, and I'll tell you what I can. Derek was
transjerred because of rumor of trouble. Nothing has happened/ he
assured her, as Derek had instructed him to :@"do. ' M11 happen.

But the authorities want to '"keep him under wraps until his release."
"What does that mean?' she askedvery quietly. She'd have been prepared
to climb the Rockies if Derek was stashed in a hut on the top, but she
had the disturbing notion that she wouldn't be allowed even that. '
means/ David confirmed, ' no one will know where he is until he hits
the street.' ' do.' ''m his lawyer. I was instrumental in getting
him transferred. Two months, three at the outside - that's all he has
left. To let something go wrong at this late date would be insane."
Sabrina heard his determination. He was on Derek's side. Instinctively
she knew that she could trust the man. ' I want to see him/ she said.

Two months, maybe three going without? The thought was painful. ''m
sorry. And so is he/ David added wryly. ''s not at all pleased with
the Department of Corrections or with me right about now, but, believe
me, this is the best way.' Sabrina didn't want to believe that, so she
tried a new tack. ' can be trusted. If I was allowed to see him, I
wouldn't tell a soul where he is. You could even blindfold me/ she
pleaded, drive me around for hours, change cars in the middle.' David
had to laugh at that. ' Department would never buy it.' He hesitated
for an instant. ' the other 247 -hand'. the Department never said you
couldn't write letters.' It was Derek who'd said that. Held been afraid
her letters would be read. ' you were to send them to my office, I'd
be glad to forward them in a packet of legal papers. That way you'd be
insured privacy. ' Derek write back the same way?, '.' Do you
think he would? , don't know. He hates writing., i know., ' the other
hand He was remembering Derek's voice when he'd asked him to
call Sabrina. The man was in love. There was no mistaking it. Nor was
there any mistaking that Sabrina returned the feeling. ' the other
hand, I think it would be good for him. He's been calmer since you've
been seeing him, more frustrated in some ways but calmer overall. I
think it'd be great if you could write.' He paused, then asked
cautiously, ' say you to that? q say that it's not as good as seeing
him.' True, but it's better than noihing., ''m not sure I like the
kinds of choices you give, Mr. Cottrell,' Sabrina said, her voice stem
yet without rancor. ' do 1. But trust me. That's all I ask. I
think the world of Derek. He doesn't deserve what he's gotten in the
past two years, and he certainly doesn't deserve what's happened now.

All we can do is try to make things a little easier for him. He
hesitated. ' you write?' ' course I'll write.' David gave her the
address of both his home and his office, then said, ' you, Mrs.
Stone. Maybe when all this is over, we'll have a chance to meet., ''d
like that/ she said sincerely, then went on with 248 urgency, ' have
my number. I should be m New York by the middle of next week. if comes
up, if there's any change, if there's any ty that I can see Derek, will
you call?' thing, ma'am.' e had to settle for that. Derek/ Sabrina wrote
on stationery that had the emblem of Cedar Lodge embossed on its upper
hand comer, rwhat a horrible day! I couldn't it when I arrived at
Parkersville to find that weren't there. No one could tell me where
you'd or if they could they wouldn't, and all avenues I have taken to
find out were closed for the I-Pnd ,"4@She crumpled the paper and tossed
it in the waste- 11--t. She couldn't write to Derek and complain! Taking
another sheet of paper from the rolltop desk, she picked up the pen and
tried again. ' Derek, I'm not sure I'd want to relive today. I
popped in at Parkersville and promptly panicked when they told me-/
Again she crumpled the paper and tossed it in the basket. If Derek
learned she'd made a wasted stop at Parkersville, he'd feel bad.

Besides, panicked was the word. it made her sound like the alarmist Nick
d thought her. in truth, she felt that she'd had cause panic, but that
wasn't the issue. The word was ' on several different levels.

Taking a third sheet of paper from the desk, she gave it another shot.

"Dear Derek, I'm writing you from a inn, old New England at its best.

The furniture is of polished mahogany, Colonial-style and weathered. The
artwork is classic Americana, the rugs handwoven, and the canopy on the
bed 249 With a clipped growl, she crushed the sheet in her -hand and
sent it after the others. Derek didn't want a decorator's manual or a
travelogue. He didn't need to hear about all the charm he was missing.

And if she went on about the canopy on the bed, he'd think she had a
one-track mind. There were times when, where Derek was concerned, she
too thought that. But this wasn't such a time. Before she took another
piece of stationery from its narrow shelf, she composed her thoughts.

Only when she was sure she was ready did she start. The preplanning paid
off. ' Derek, You are very fortunate to be working with David
Cottrell. Not only is he loyal and devoted, but he is a whiz at dealing
with people. He explained - patiently, with understanding and
encouragement - that you've been transferred for security reasons, and I
agree that keeping you safe for the next few months is a small price to
pay for my n6t being able to visit. I can be selfish at times, I guess.

I'll have to work on that. ' news: I've sold the apartment and
taken a studio. It's a loft, actually, and it's huge. It's in an old
warehouse that's being redone. One entire wall is of glass and looks out
on the Hudson, and there are four skylights. ''re probably wondering
whether I know what I'm doing, making momentous decisions like this at
the drop of a hat. I didn't plan to do it. I called my broker idly to
ask what the chances were of selling my place, and it happened that she
had a buyer right there. We signed the preliminary papers last Monday.

On Tuesday I took the studio. ' thing is, I've always taken my time
with decisions. But it has occurred to me that, for all my 250 W, me of
my decisions have been duds. So I made one on impulse.' She recalled
another decision made on impulse, the one that had taken her to le that
first day. She hadn't regretted it yet. 0111re probably asking yourself
what happened to the city and finding someplace peaceful and Well,
that's why I'm here.' She drew an arrow here to the inn's emblem. Ill be
seeing Nicky Owl but after that I'm going house-hunting. I've lived in
the country. I thought I'd give it a try.' reached the bottom of the
page, she took ther sheet from the desk. ' know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that In hanging on to Nicky, and you're right. I miss
him. en I'm in New York, I feel too distant. Maybe this ,*ill help.

Ideally, I'd like to be an hour away from the Greenhouse. That way I'll
know I can reach Nicky in :.an emergency, but I won't be able to stop in
too often which wouldn't be any better for Nicky than it would be for
me. 11 was thinking of looking for something near Ben- gton. I'm told,
that there are writers scattered "around. It might be fun - uh, forget
I just said that.' I-She'd written too much to crush the whole sheet.

"I'm @not doing this for social reasons. Most immediately, ""I'm doing
it because I need a change. New York holds ",.memories for me that
aren't all fantastic. For professional reasons, I want to keep a place
there, but I'll be spending most of my time in Vermont. I want land and
trees and fresh air. I want to be able to drive into the nearest town
and greet the grocer by name, and I want him to return the greeting. I
want to walk down the streets and see people smile. But then I want to
be able to return to my own place and just breathe.' She paused,
settling against the ladder back of the 251 chair for a bit. She could
almost hear Derek asking Why. He probed her feelings that way. It
surprised her that in such a short time she'd come to expect it, rely on
it. And now she'd miss it. Perhaps, though, it was for the best. Tugging
her feelings from the comer of her mind where they were trying to hide,
she struggled to put them to paper. J need to be alone, I think. No,
alone is the wrong word. I need to be on my own. I've never really been
that. I think it's. about time I was. When Nick left - ' she wrote, then
raised her pen from the paper. Derek didn't want to hear about Nick.

What nian wanted to hear about a woman's husband - or exhusband? Then
again, Derek was different. He had already lived through much of her
personal turmoil. He would appreciate her thoughts. So she lowered the
pen and went on. I was terrified. There was no real reason
why I should have been, but I was.. Was? At timei I still am. Before,
even when things were unhappy, I could define myself in terms of wife
and mother. Now I can't. I can't rely on anyone to give me definition.

"Being by myself is something .1 have to do. Maybe it's part of the
growing-up process. Then again' - she set aside the second completed
page and started a third -'maybe it's an early mid-life crisis. For the
first time in my life, I'll be answerable to no one but myself. It
should be interesting.' She gnawed on the end of the pen for a moment,
then wrote, J haven't forgotten what you asked me to do the last time we
were together. I've already begun. Would you like me to send you
information as I go along, or would you rather a single comprehensive
report? I'm not sure how much you want there.' She 252 then wrote, ''m
not sure how much you there. I'm hoping that the conditions are better
those at Parkersville - more room, more privacy, sun - somethin&
anything to compensate for the tions. pping the pen, she steepled her
hands at her ..:@:Jhouth. She could see him so clearly, a tall, tapering
.:@Ifture with dark hair and dark eyes, ropy arms and ",long, lean legs.

She could see him coming toward her -in that tight-hipped, sexy gait,
and she wanted to touch :. Pressing her hands tighter together, she
waited until the wave of yearning passed; then, with a slightly unsteady
sigh, she picked up the pen. V id is a sweetheart to be forwarding this
on to avi you. I think I would feel totally stifled if I couldn't
communicate at all - unless - would you rather I not write? Once before
you said I shouldn't, and if you still feel that way, I'll understand.

The same goes for your back. If you decide to do it, David will know
,L, where I am.' "--'In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you. I'll be of
you often.' She held the pen in midair ind contemplated the next
wording. Sincerely? Too formal. The same for "",."-Yours Truly and
Best Wishes. All My Best wasn't too "'bad, but it still wasn't right.

There was only one thing that was right, and it seemed pointless not to
use it. Lowering the pen, she wrote, ', Sabrina.' Derek read and
reread Sabrina's letter. Sitting on the floor of his cell with his back
to the cinder-block wall, he closed his eyes, thought about it, then
opened his 253 eyes and read it again. Would he rather she not write?

Would he rather not breathe? Sure, he'd told David she shouldn't write,
but that was because when he'd spoken to David it had been just after
dawn and he'd been furious. He'd been shoved awake in the middle of the
night and, without a word of explanation, smuggled out of Parkersville
in a windowless van, driven the three-plus hours to Boston and shuttled
by police boat to Pine Island. Only then had he been told about the
threat to his life. It wasn't a new threat. Derek knew who'd made it,
knew that it had resulted from a petty argument he'd had with one of the
other inmates months before and that the only reason it had reached the
warden's ear was a need on the part of a third inmate to earn brownie
points. The threat had no substance, but David Cottrell's threats had
apparently reached the warden's ear as well, and the warden had been
more intimidated by those. He wasn't taking a chance on dirtying his
record. Far easier to wash his hands of Derek. David, who had pushed for
the transfer as a tactical measure and had even chosen the spot, hadn't
been Derek's favorite person at that moment shortly after dawn. Only
later, when Derek had calmed down, had he understood that the condition
of secrecy hadn't been David's to impose. It had been imposed by the
commissioner, who, frankly - he told David - wanted Derek the hell out
of his system as soon as possible. But the law was the law, and Pine
Island would be as safe a place as any, so said the commissioner, and
David had agreed. Pine Island stood in the waters outlying Boston
Harbor. The island's only structure was a large stone fort that had once
served as a military station. It had 254 ively renovated two years
before, when, the Intens of prisons had reached such a critical that the
choice had been between preparing a
"Jacility or releasing inmates from
old ones. Now idurbished fort housed three hundred men. himself up from
the floor, Derek slipped @@the desk chair. He read Sabrina's letter
again, then it on the desk and mopped his face with the that hungairound
his neck. hated writin& hated it with a passion. But he'd if only to
make sure Sabrina would write back. a yellow legal pad from one side of
the he picked up his pen and scrawled, ' Sabrina, you very much for
the letter. I enjoyed tore o the sheet of paper, compacted it in one and
lobbed it into the wastebasket. Too stiff and Sabrina would think he had
a textbook in his lap. Drawing the pad closer, he tried again. '
Sabrina, Thanks for the letter. I'm glad to hear someone's doing
exciting things - He tore off the sheet of paper, crushed it, dunked it.

Sabrina didn't deserve sarcasm. He hated writing letters. Hated it.

Taking a deep breath, he gave it another shot. ' '"Sabrina, Guess
where I am?' Brimant, Mcgifl. just ,,Iziffiant. He crumpled the paper in
disgust. -s and pictured Sabrina sitting Then he closed his eye @by his
side holding his hand. He imagined the softness 1,* ' her eyes and the
non-judgmental wayshe looked at him, the sweet curve of her mouth as it
gave him encouragement, and her ever-present, ever-pleasant jasmine
scent. Opening his eyes, he wrote as he might have talke d. 255\ '
Sabrina, I hate writing. I've already told you that, I know, but I do
hate it. When I was a kid it was the discipline that killed me.. Now,
it's not so much. the discipline as the solitariness of the activity.

I'm writing because I can't see you, and that hurts. I miss you.' He
looked at those three words, considered underlining them or writing them
a second time for emphasis, then decided that he didn't want to sound
like a sissy. Perish the day. ' Mcgill is alive and well and living
in - they won't let me tell you where, but it's not so far away that I
can't look at the stars and imagine your looking at the same ones at the
same time.' This time when he looked at the words he'd written, he was a
bit astonished. Had he actually written something poetic? On occasion
he'd thought things poetic or said things poetic, but he'd never written
them. Was it that he'd never had the time to do it? Or the patience?

Standing half-apart from himself, he picked up the pen and wondered
curiously what he'd write next. ' from the fact that we can't
visit, this place is an improvement over Parkersville. I'm in a wing
reserved for special guests' - h4@ smirked at that - ' though my cell
is no bigger than the one I had before, it has a sink, the bed and desk
are newer, the toilet flushes without spattering' - he couldn't believe
he'd written that, but he couldn't erase the ink - ' the holes in the
wall are natural, rather than man-made. ' best thing, though, is that
there is a special contingent of guards in this wing and one of them
runs. The higher-ups have agreed to let me go with him. I used to run at
Parkersville, but only around the prison yard and then listening to the
jeering of the 256 toughs. The path here is longer and more ated.' He
wanted to tell her that it circled the and that the pulse of the tide
swallowed up the unds of the prison, but that would be giving hints
'@,@It he'd be better not giving. So he went on to write, e exercise
feels good. It always does. Being outside ts push-ups in my cell any
day.' Dropping the pen, he tore off the sheet, then flexed fingers and
scanned the page. His sixth-grade , had been right. He
wrote like a doctor. At the time he'd been flattered, only later
realizing what a it had been. Sabrina would be lucky to decipher words.

Determined to write more clearly, he picked up the pen and started at
the top of the second sheet. ' loft V, In New York sounds perfect. I
think you were right in taking it, and I wouldn't worry about the time
factor. If you'd waited, you might have lost your buyer. When will you
be moving? ' also like the idea of a place in Vermont - but part of
that's' because I'm a country boy from way back. I grew up in the city
and I still have a place in the city, but the country is the first place
I run when I need soothing. it sounds pretty good right about now.' He
stopped writing to think about Sabrina and the country. He could see it;
the image fit. it brought back the vision he'd had of her so long ago
when they'd first met, when he'd thought of her as a flower child.

Remembering it, he felt more peaceful than he had moments before. Then
he sighed and resumed his letter. ' onto the notes you've taken
regarding that other matter. You're right; I don't want them here. There
are no safedeposit boxes in the manager's office. I have no guarantee
that someday when I'm out MY things won't be 257 rifled. That's happened
- not here, but in Parkersville. The'sense of violation is infuriating.

I tell you this so that you'll guard what you write. Sending things
through David offers privacy, but only to a point.' He paused, jiggled
his jaw to relax it. ' taking notes, though. I know you won't have
much time, with moving and all, but anything you can do would be a help.

I have only preliminary information on the matter. It will be wonderful
to have something more to use as a stepping-off point when I get out.

"How's Nicky? I think of him often. I think of you often. You have me
bewitched, y'know. Please write again.1 He picked up Sabrina's letter,
read it again to make sure that he'd answered every question she'd
asked, then focused on the closing. ', Sabrina.' A common closing.

"Love, Sabrina.' Could be just a figure ofspeech. But he'd seen her eyes
and felt her touch and he'd known. So it wasn't just him. He had nothing
to lose by being honest. Picking up his pen, he wrote, ' love you, too.

Derek.' ' Derek/ Sabrina wrote back on the very same day she
received his letter. ' have no idea how much it meant to me to hear
from you. I've been worried. David had assured me you were fine, but I
wasn't quite sure until I got your letter. You're probably thinking that
"fine" is relative, and I know it is, but. I'm thinking that "fine"

means healthy, and I'm relieved that you are. I had visions of black
eyes and broken ribs and broken arms and legs. If they can keep you safe
there, I'm glad. She paused, pen poised above her monogrammed
stationery. Her heart was beating faster than normal. 258 Id been
smiling since she'd read his letter. Hearing . him had meant more to her
than simply the ter of his health. There was the fact that held ided to
write at all, and of course, there were those special words. Shaking her
head a little, she forced herself back to letter. ' the two weeks
since I wrote last, lots has ened. I found the most wonderful place in
Verv- she went back to underline-wonderful because e felt it was
warranted - ' tum-of-the-century that is in such a state of disrepair
that you'd Probably choose your cell over it - except, and I repeat,
@@,except that it comes with ten of the most beautiful you've ever seen.

There are woods and meadows and streams. The house itself is located on
a rise and looks down over grass and trees to the Quandaboosic River,
which flows into the Connecticut, which means that it's nowhere near
Bennington. It's on the other side of the state, about thirty miles
north of Brattleboro. ''ve hired a contractor to start work on the
farmhouse - new roof, new electrical and plumbing systems, extra
insulation, that sort of thing - but I'm thinking of doing some of the
inside work myself. I've never painted walls or stripped wood moldings.

I'm hoping the work will be for me a little like what your running is
for you. I need the outlet. I hadn't realized how hard it would be to
learn to relax. I suppose I'm not making things easier for myself - I'll
be moving out of the apartment and into the loft within two weeks - but
once I've done that I'll be able to concentrate on the farmhouse.' She
thought for a minute, then couldn't resist putting the thought to paper.

interesting how we find things to divert our minds - moving from one
place to 259 the other, renovating a third. I want to get back to
writing, but no sooner do I clear my mind for that purpose when it is
filled with thoughts either of you or of Nicky, and the emotions are too
strong to concentrate on much else. I suppose time will solve that
problem, too. ' tell me at the Greenhouse that I'll come to accept
Nicky's living there. I hope they're right. It's still hard. As of a
week ago Sunday, Nicky was fine, which, in his case, means the same. He
recognizes me when I come - gurgles a little and smiles - and I end up
laughing and cryin& holding him and not wanting to let go.' The pen
wavered. She hesitated, frowned, wrote on. ' I do let go. One part of
me is really glad to let go. I feel guilty about that, but it's the
truth. I love seeing ., and the mother part of me dies a little
each time I have to leave, but when I think about taking care of him
again, I get a knot in my stomach and I start to shake. I'm not knoc"

the staff at the Greenhouse, but they can afford to be wonderful; they
only work eight-hour shifts, five days a week at most, and when they
leave, they can go back to their nice, quiet, normal lives. The
emotional involvement is different. A mother takes personally what her
child does or doesn't do. She can't turn off those feelings after an
eight-hour shift. She can't just hand over her baby to someone else when
he starts to fuss. A grandparent can, I suppose, but I'll never be one,
will W Putting down her pen, Sabrina turned away. She hadn't had that
thought before, and she found that it was as sad as any. Having
children, then grandchildren, had always been part of the dream. Now
what? She didn't have an answer. Her life was still too much in a state
of flux. Perhaps when things quieted 260 I. n, perhaps when she got
back to writing, perhaps Vwith the simple passage of time she'd see the
future more clearly. Turning back to her letter, she wrote, ''m sorry,
Derek. I didn't mean to go off on a tangent like that, I 4, think you've
spoiled me. I've never talked to anyone @he way I talk to you. I miss
you, miss the questions you ask and your support. I'd gladly go back to
Parkersville - or to any other prison - if it meant I could see YOU.

"Three months, maybe less. Have you heard anything more about that?

Will the transfer make a difference either way?' More than once, she'd
allowed herself to imagine that Derek would get an early release, that
she'd open her front door and find him there. She wasn't optimistic;
from what he'd said, he wasn't getting any favors. The law was the law,
she supposed, and if the law said that he had to serve at least
two-thirds of his sentence, an early release was a pipe dream. Three
months, maybe less depending on when the parole board heard his case.

But three months at the outside. That was all. it was too long. Feeling
down, she picked up the pen and closed the letter by writing, '
know that I think of you often. My love, Sabrina.' At the end of August,
Derek wrote back to say that the farmhouse in Vermont sounded perfect.

He meant it. Woods, meadows, streams - and a river. He was familiar with
the Quandahoosic. It was narrow at spots,.where- rocks taxed even the
most experienced of paddlers, but at other spots it opened into a
breathtaking corridor of fresh water lined with willows. 261 He wasn't
surprised that Sabrina had bought into the fixing-up of a broken-down
farmhouse. She had time for the work, and she had the energy. He agreed
that it would be a good outlet. And not once did he doubt that she'd do
the work herself. She wasn't a snob. She wasn't one to sit back and
watch others work. Ironically, if she'd been that way, she'd have had an
easier time with Nicky. She'd simply have hired more help. Repairing the
farmhouse would appeal to her nurturing instinct. She would steam tired
old paper from the walls and replace it with new with the same care that
she'd shown when he'd been beaten up that time and she'd stroked him to
sleep. He only wished he were there to help. At the beginning of
September, Sabrina wrote that she had finished decorating the loft and
was in the process of moving the rest of her things to Vermont. Work on
the farmhouse was progressing faster than she'd dared to hope. The new
roof was on, ag were new windows and doors, loose fieldstone had been
repacked and broken clapboards replaced - which meant that she could
live there without fear of the elements. At first she'd planned to stay
in New York until the electrical and plumbing work was done, but her
need to be out of the city, closer to Nicky and involved in the
renovation on a daily basis overrode any qualms she had. She could rough
it for a while. Her last few days in the city were busy with the
arrangements for the move north, yet she managed to squeeze in a fair
amount of time at the library. More than ever, she wanted to talk with
Derek. She wanted to know why he was interested in Lloyd Ballantine,
who, as far as she could see, was one of the least notable of the
Supreme Court justices to occupy the 262 in years. She learned that he
haa by and large, ted with the majority, and that the opinions he'd w
tten were thought to be competent, though far from n -A pired. Off the
bench he was just as bland. Derek had written that her notes would be a
steppingoff point for him when he got out - but a stepping-off @.point
for what? Since Sabrina couldn't put the question to him, she .,sirnply
gathered what new details she could find on @@Ballantine, then filed
them with the rest of her notes for transfer to Vermont. She intended to
install a ,',computer once the farmhouse was functional, and a '
would give her access to a broad range of resources. Between that and
use of the library at Dartmouth - which was less than forty-five minutes
away - she hoped that by the time Derek was released, she'd have a full
dossier to present to him. By the middle of September, Derek was
discouraged. It had been'nearly two months since he'd seen Sabrina, and
there were times when he wondered if she was real. Sure, he had her
letters. He read them so many times that he could replay them in their
entirety in his mind's eye. But it wasn't the same. She wrote that she'd
moved into the farmhouse, but he'd never seen the farmhouse, so he
couldn'i picture her there. She wrote that she was literally camping out
on the bedroom floor, that she was still without lights and a stove,
that she'd picked up poison ivy in the woods - and he couldn't imagine
any of it because he'd never seen her wearing anything but a skirt!

Letters couldn't take the place of flesh and blood, and that was what he
craved - flesh and blood, warmth, smiles, the kind of sunshine that
could light him up inside, the kind only Sabrina produced. His everyday
life had fallen back into the same W tedious existence held known before
she first came to Parkersville. There were no visits to look forward to.

One day dragged into the next. There was no one to bring him from a sour
mood, no one to diffuse Ins anger or offset his frustration. His running
helped some, as did the sight of his calendar with more and more Xs and
fewer and fewer blank spaces. But without Sabrina's letters - real or
not - he'd surely have gone mad, because she signed each with her love,
and he needed that. At the beginning of October, Sabrina wrote that her
family had descended on the farmhouse. ' three of them, all the way
from the Coast, totally without warning! I was sitting on the floor of
the front porch, filthy and exhausted after a day sanding woodwork, when
a honking car barreled in. It seems that they'd conspired at the last
minute to see for themselves where I was "hiding away" (their te
not mine). It's - . rm, actually a miracle they made it in one piece. My
dad is a terror behind the wheel (horses are more his style), but he'd
insisted on driving the rental from Boston. My mother was furious with
him by the time they got here, and J.B. was as pale as a ghost 1poetic
justice there). ' had honestly thought I'd reached the point of not
feeling in a state of crisis. Then they showed up. They do something to
me, Derek - stir me up, put me right on the defensive, make me feel
inadequate. If it wasn't Mom telling me that I couldn't possibly live so
far from civilization, it was Dad telling me that the plasterer was
using the wrong mix on the ceilings. Thank God, J.B. didn't say much.

He just kind of stared at everything, then went out back to the barn and
stared at that., 264 She didn't write that - later that night, when
they'd been having dinner at an inn in nearby Grafton, where Amanda had
insisted they all spend the night - J.B. had made a point of asking
about Derek. Sabrina hadn't previously mentioned him to either of her
parents, but her brother gladly filled them in on what they'd missed.

Amanda and Gebhart both felt that Derek's story, when fictionalized,
could be a hit. But Sabrina had no intention of fictionalizing anything.

And in that spirit, she took them to the Greenhouse the following day to
visit Nicky. She did write to Derek about that. ' was a mistake,
Derek, an awful mistake. I never should have taken them there. They said
that they wanted to see their grandson, and since I'd spoken of the
Greenhouse only in glowing terms, I had no choice. But no amount of
glowing terms can disguise a home for the handicapped. My mother grew
very pale and very quiet. Worse, my father, who has it macho thing about
control, seemed to crumble inside. 1. B. was surprisingly good -
probably because Mom and Dad were both so clearly upset. He carried
Nicky while we took a tour of the grounds, then played with him a
little. Nicky was himself. He is as beautiful as ever, but the bigger he
gets, the more noticeable the discrepancy between his physical age and
his mental age. It was very hard for my parents to see. And for me."
Derek's heart went out to her when he read that. He'd always felt a soft
spot when it came to Nicky, perhaps from the time so long ago when he'd
held the child. He'd always felt Sabrina's pain, More than anything he'd
have wanted to be with her then. Then again, he wasn't sure he wanted to
be with her family. When he thought of them, he felt out of place. 265
He came from a very different sort than they were. His life experiences
had been altogether different. He wouldn't fit in. Especially now. He
was a convict, and the countdown had begun. Word had spread that the
parole board would be hearing cases at Pine Island on the ninth and
tenth of November. With little more than a month until then, tension was
up throughout the prison. Derek felt it as keenly as he ever had,
because this time his own future was on the line. During daytime lockup,
he would sit against the cinder-block wall of his cell and wonder where
he'd be in five weeks from then. At night he would lie on his cot, stare
at the ceiling and know that he wanted to be with Sabrina. David was
sure that his release was a safe bet. Derek had learned not to bet on a
thing. By the middle of October, Sabrina was able to write that the
farmhouse was nearly livable. ' haven't begun on the decorating, but
the dusty work is almost done, and once that's finished, I'm home free.

My kitchen is already functional. One more bathtub has to go in, but
other than that the plumbing's done. I can't wait till you see itv She
agonized over that last sentence. Not once, either during her, visits to
Parkersville or in the letters they'd exchanged since, had Derek
committed himself to any post-release plans. She knew that he feared the
release wouldn't come, and she feared it too, but she needed to be
hopeful and, therefore, she dreamed. She wanted to believe that he loved
her. She did believe it when she thought back to the way he'd been
during their last few visits - and he wrote the words in 266 letter -
but it wasn't the same as having him re with her, being taken in his
arms and hearing the s whispered with the force of their meaning. The
problem was that other than his love, she didn't ' what she wanted
from him. She knew she loved and that meant she wanted to be with him,
but N ere and on what kind of basis was unclear. She had of her own. He
had needs of his own. Whether ,,the two could mesh was anyone's gvess.

"Nicky is having seizures more frequently/ she wrote. ' Greens aren't
alarmed, but they suggested 4hat I may want to take him back to his
regular doctor for an evaluation at some point. I think they're right,
though I don't look forward to the trip. ' a lighter note, my friend
Maura was up to visit this week. She said that she wouldn't believe I
was living on a farm until she saw it. I tried to explain that I'm not
living on a farm, per se, just living in a farmhouse,,but she took one
look at the bam and decided that I should raise sheep, then spin their
wool into gold.' Maura had actually said that in disgust, when Sabrina
had been evasive about Derek. Maura made no secret about wanting her to
write, and, in fact, Sabrina had several ideas for articles she was
toying with, but Maura had her mind set. She wanted Derek's book. Since
Sabrina had no intention of mentioning the book to Derek when he had so
much else on his mind, she put Maura off its best she could. By the end
of October, letter writing was growing harder. Sabrina could tell Derek
that she'd just finished papering the bathrooms, that the autumn foliage
was breathtaking from her front porch or that she'd met an interesting
pair of transplants from New York who had @ 1 267 opened a nearby inn,
but she knew that his thoughts were on far more consequential things. As
were hers. She enjoyed the work she did. It exhausted her in a satisfied
way, giving her something to show for her time. And the exhaustion
helped at night, when pangs of loneliness could be swept under the
carpet of sleep. The mornings were tougher. Dawn. Shortly after dawn -
when -she awakened with the sun, feeling refreshed, wanting him. For
someone who had never defined herself in sexual terms, it was an
awakening in more ways than one. Derek, on the other hand, hadn't needed
any kind of awakening. He'd been wanting Sabrina for months. On more
nights than he cared to count, he had suffered the pain of arousal, but
that pain told only half the story. His longing encompassed everything
she was, and became so strong as November approached that there were
times when he bolted up from a doze in a cold sweat to find that fear
and longing, even in his semiconscious mind, had combined to produce
panic. lie couldn't write Sabrina about that. True, he'd told her many
times that he loved her, but he didn't want to sound totally obsessed.

He didn't want even to think that himself, because he'd never been a man
of obsession. Determination, perhaps, and ambition, but never obsession.

He knew that he loved Sabrina, knew that it was strong, but he wondered
whether his feelings were magnified by the situation. He couldn't write
that to Sabrina, either. What could he tell her? That he was seared?

That he was strung as tight as he'd been at any point during his
incarceration? That he walked die corridors of the prison with an eye
for every shadow, constantly on guard lest someone make a last attempt
to trip him up? 268 I He couldn't tell her that he rarely slept at
night, that -too many thoughts plagued his mind - thoughts and 1ears and
dreams that were as intricately connected and as fragile as a house of
cards. And so he who had hated writing from the start but -had come so
far wasn't able to scrawl much more than the briefest of responses to
Sabrina's letters. He bottled everything in, and grew more tense. His
daily run did '.'little for the cramping muscles in his shoulder or the
clenching muscles in his jaw. Nothing could help, he feared, but
release. Eventually, in the name of emotional survival, he out all else
but the thought of his parole. He Aidn't think about what held do when
he was released. He didn't think about Noel Greer and revenge. And he
didn't think about Sabrina. The only thing that mattered was getting
out. just getting out. On November ninth, the parole board interviewed
twenty-two men whose parole eligibility was forthcoming. Seven were
granted parole, fifteen were denied it, and word spread through Pine
Island that things were tough. As fate would have it, Derek wasn't
called before the board until November tenth. Of the sixteen inmates
interviewed that day, nine were approved and seven deferred. Derek was
one of the nine.

Chapter 11.

On the fifteenth of November at seven in
the morning, Derek left Pine Island and returned to the mainland a free
man. As they'd arranged, he was met by David, who had driven Derek's
Saab from New York the night before. The two men talked over breakfast.

"How do you feel?' "Tired/ Derek said because it was the first thing
that came to mind. He hadn't slept in two days, hadn't reafly slept in
far longer than that. ' little numb/ he added, casting a glance around
the modest coffee shop where at his own request they'd stopped. '
little incredulous. A little skeptical.' David felt a little sad,
because Derek's response illustrated the toll the past two years had
taken. Derek had always been a positive man, but his faith in the
positive had been badly shaken. ' about excited?'David asked, giving
him a push in the right direction. Derek smiled. ''ll come once the
numbness wears off.' The smile faded as he stole another dart@ing glance
around the shop. Then he looked down at his half-eaten Belgian waffle,
then, in more surreptitious glances, at the jeans and shirt he wore. The
jeans were faded Calvins, the shirt a plaid number with a similar label.

They were his, taken from his closet and forwarded on by David in
anticipation of his release. They didn't fit as well as they once had.

"Do I look funny?' ' course not.' 270 11 feel it. I feel like those
people can tell right off just ere I've been. I should have told you not
to send David arched a brow. ' friend, there wasn't a hell a lot of a
casual nature in your closet but jeans. I It think you'd want to travel
in a blazer and slacks, 4c a suit or a tux.' Derek was silent. Lifting
his fork and knife, he carefully cut off another piece of thewaffle.

After he'd swallowed it, he said, ''ll have to shop when I get back to
New York.' ' are you headed now?' Putting down the fork and knife,
Derek dropped his S, pressed his palms to his thighs. ' the airport
drop you off so you can catch a shuttle home. I y appreciate this,
David. The thought of being ed in an airplane didn't appeal to me.'He
paused. e thought of being confined anywhere didn't appeal me. Doesn't.

This way I can take my time, stop and t out when I want, roll down the
windows and athe fresh air.'He jumped a little when the waitress
"suddenly appeared at his elbow with refills of coffee. @.When she left,
he asked, ' you sure you won't drive back with me?' q don't drive in
no forty-degree weather with the windows down/ David drawled,* then
added, ' besides, I have to be back for a hearing at eleven.' He
scratched his cheek. ' tell you the truth, I thought you'd be heading
to Vermont., Derek raised his coffee cup, took a careful sip, set the
cup down. He wiped his upper hp with his lower one. His eyes went to
those of his lawyer and friend. ' you call her? I ' after you
called me.' Which had been on the 271 tenth, several hours after Derek
had learned that he'd been granted parole. ' did she say? '
at first. It took me a while to figure out she was crying.' Derek
squeezed his eyes shut and sucked in a shaky breath. ' did that to me
once, too.' It was a minute before he opened his eyes. ''s a special
lady., '. So why aren't you driving up to see her?' Derek had been
asking himself the same question for the last four days. ' need
distance. I need distance between me and' - he tossed his head in the
vague direction of the harbor - ' place before I go to her. I need
to feel a little more human. I need a good night's sleep. I need to know
I can get one without jerking up in a panicky sweat.' He took another
shaky breath. ''s been a fucking lousy few weeks.' ''s been a
fucking lousy few years.' Having no argument with that, Derek cut off
another piece of waffle and nudged it idly around his plate. Vhat's the
latest on Greer?' ''s running. He'll probably announce it right after
the, first of the year.' ' you think he'll be watching what I do?"
"You bet. I don't think he'll try any more funny = st fthough. It was
one thing when you were in the n ith dozens of violent men. A murder
there can easily be made to look like something else. But he knows you
were transferred from Parkersville, and he knows why, and he knows I
know why. He won't risk murder again, particularly not after he declares
his candidacy.' Derek wasn't sure whether the logic was correct, but his
mind had already moved on down the road. ' he's 272 ng, I've got a
year. One year to link him to Lloyd tine.' avid shifted in his seat. He
was always uncomfort- when Derek started in on the business with antine.

Not that there was any doubt that k had been set up for murder, nor that
powerful rs had pulled strings during the trial. David just't so sure
of the Ballantine connection. He'd hate see Derek waste valuable time..

chasing a wild se. Don't go at it yet. Take some time off. You need it,
. You said so yourself, you need to breathe a le. Relax. Have some fun.

Decide what you want to about work, and when you've got yourself
together, en you go after the Ballantine files.' rek thought about
David's words a lot in the week come, especially the part about relaxing
and having He didn't do much of either. It wasn't that he't want to,
just that it didn't work out - which -n't to say that he didn't enjoy
his freedom. He ued all the little things he'd taken for granted for s.

He went where he wanted when he wanted, did and if that meant at he
wanted when he wanted g a hot shower at two in the morning, going out
for Big Mae at nine o'clock at night or wandering around the city for
hours at a stretch, so much the better. The I<,roblem was, he couldn't
forget where he'd been. He was self-conscious. He felt as though anyone
who looked at him knew. Unfortunately, many people did. He'd been seen
regularly on prime-time television for four years before his arrest,
and. the publicity that had accompanied the trial had, if anything,
raised his familiarity quotient. People with familiar faces did -double
takes, then stared, cracking wary smiles only 27.3 in response to
Derek's quiet-spoken hello. Even his agent, Craig Jacobs, seemed not
quite sure what to do with him when he met him for lunch the day after
he got back. For the first five minutes they were together, he went on
and on about how surprised - and pleased! - he'd been to receive Derek's
call and how wonderful Derek looked. Derek knew that he looked tired,
pale and thin, so Craig had already blown his credibility by the time he
reached the part about things not being the same since Derek had left.

But Derek was polite. He nodded and thanked Craig for the thought, then
suffered through the gossip session that ' a lunch so
'nouvelle' that he would have found it bizarre even if he'd spent the
last two years in Paris, rather than prison. He was experiencing culture
shock. After his prolonged period of confinement, New York was
overwhelming. When he left his apartment on even the simplest oi
errands, his pulse raced. He was familiar with it all - the traffic, the
people, the buildings - yet he wasn't. Any sudden noise made him jump,
and the city streets were full of sudden noises: the honk of a hom, the
blare of a siren, the squeal of brakes. And sudden movement. That set
him off, too. For two years of his life, sudden noise or movement had
spelled trouble. The deconditioning, he realized, would take some time.

in many respects, he was still a prisoner. And a murderer. That fact hit
him now that he was free in ways it hadn't hit him when he was in
prison. He could understand why, he supposed. In prison, he'd been but
one of many, and most of those had been such clearly violent types that
he hadn't identified with them. Here, he stood out. It occurred to him
more than once when he bumped into someone he knew 274 t what he
interpreted as awkwardness was, in fact, He was a murderer. He'd done
hard time with men. He could be dangerous. @,,What bothered him most,
though, was not what ple thought. it was what he thought. For two years,
'd refused to dwell on it. He'd relived the crime, but y in terms of
what had happened where and and why. He had preoccupied himself with a
of mental police report, and when his mind had stray to the moral
implications of the crime, he them aside by focusing on the farce that
had his trial and the horrors of prison. He couldn't do that now. He was
a free man. And Padilla? He was dead. Derek had made him dead
unintentionally perhabs, but it had been his hand t directed the gun to
Padilla's stomach. Derek thought about that. He thought about it a lot,
d it dragged him into a blue funk. Because two other ou ts came on the
heels of that one. The first was that he was his old man's son. The
second was that Sabrina deserved better. Sabrina. As the week went on,
he thought about her ore and more. Each thought tugged at his heart a J.

ttle, stirred his insides a little, did something vaguely ebilitating
around the backs of his knees. He might ve called or written, but he
didn't, and he knew that e was very probably worried and hurt. More than
ce he told himself that it was for the best, that if she ,,Was worried
and hurt, she'd realize sooner that she was buying grief she didn't
need.. The problem was, he didn't want her to realize that.. He wanted
to be with her. And the bitch of that was that the ball was in his comer
now. She'd had it before. She'd been the one to go to Parkersville, then
return month after month. She'd been the first to write after 275 -his-
transfer to Pine Island. But now she was in her farmhouse in Vermont and
she wasn't making a move. She knew that he'd been released. She could
have gotten his phone number and called. But she hadn't. Because it was
his turn. Even in the bluest of moments, when Derek felt like the scum
on the pond in Central Park as he ran by it each day, it never occurred
to him not to go. The only qu u [estion was when. After six days in the
city, when he'd reached the point where Sabrina dominated his thoughts,
he knew the time had come. Packing a duffle with clothes to last him
anywhere from two days to a month, he drove north. He had her address
packed away in his mind, committed to memory since the instant it had
appeared on the lefthand comer of the @ envelope that came in David's
packet. With each rest stop he passed, he wondered if he should call.

But he should have called a week before. Since he hadn't done that, and
since she might be upset with him, and since her love might even have
fizzled and died in that time, he didn't dare. So he never did stop to
call. He did stop, though, once to fill the car with gas, once to get
some coffee, once to use the men's room, once to stretch his legs and
contemplate the blanket of clouds overhead. He was stalling, he knew,
stalling like a yellow-bellied coward, and it gave him one more reason
to hate himself. Then, midway through the drive, two things happened.

The first was outside. The clouds began to lighten, then thin, then
slowly but surely allow for the spotty appearance of blue. The second
was inside, inside himself. He felt a pull. It came from the north, and
it caused his foot to press 276 more heavily on the gas, caused his
heart to beat a little faster. He supposed that it might have been all
along; that it might have been responsible for restlessness he'd felt
those last few days in New ; that he might have sensed it earlier but
for the ts and fears that had worked against it. It was the etic force
he'd felt before, and it grew stronger each passing mile. With strength
came greater clarity and need. just as had seen Sabrina's face in the
cracks on the ceiling his cell, now he saw it on his windshield. He
could her, see her smile, feel the warmth of her sun. His ets felt, not
the hard leather of the steering wheel d which they were wrapped, but
the softness of skin. The scent of jasmine wafted through his d,
overpowering the diesel fumes that drifted as he passed a truck, By the
time he turned off the highway and started '4 the back road that led
to her farmhouse, his "heart was thudding. Ite had no trouble finding
her driveway, since her , was new and prominently marked with the
number he knew. He paused for a minute, forced ' to breathe
slowly and deeply, unclenched his hand from the wheel, shifted and drove
on. Thick, shady trees lined the route, crowding the road so tightly at
times that branches slapped the sides of his car. And then it came
again, an omen that was too trite to be believed. The farmhouse lay at
the end of the drive, bathed in sunlight. The light at the end of the
tunnel. Swallowing his trepidation, Derek drove the last few yards and
drew the Saab to a halt beside a small, sporty green Mercedes that
wasn't at all new but looked well 277 kept. He'd often wondered what
kind of car Sabrina drove. This one was classy and suited her well. For
that matter, he mused, shifting his gaze, the house suited her, too. It
was of modest design, done in the finest of materials. in typical Cape
style, only the first floor was visible from the front, but the size and
slope of the roof suggested a bounty of second-floor space. The roof was
of fresh cedar shingles, the facade of fieldstone, the sides of
clapboard newly painted a fight Nantucket gray. He climbed from his car
and started toward the front door, his stomach knotting in anticipation.

At least she was home, he reflected. He'd have hated to arrive like this
and find her out. Then again, he didn't know she was here. She could be
out with a friend. He should have called. The antique brass knocker made
a resounding thud against the door. Derek focused on its bamboard
planks. He waited, listened for footsteps. Hearing nothing he lifted his
hand and swung the knocker again. Though the sound jolted his own body,
itwhad no apparent effect on any occupant of the house. She was out. He
should have called. He looked around. The day had turned into- a beauty
- sunny and just warm enough for him to leave his jacket in the car.

Maybe she'd taken advantage of the November treat, too. She'd written of
woods and meadows and streams. He glanced to the side of the house,
where deciduous trees stood mostly bare before more dense stands of
pines and firs. Maybe she was out there. Somewhere. Discouraged, he
stuck his hands in his pockets and started walking idly around the house
to the stretch of lawn that opened onto the river. Sabrina hadn't
exaggerated the beauty of the setting. The grass was still 178 n, though
strewn with drying leaves in an assortent of late fall shades. The river
curved around the e of the lawn, not much more than twenty-five feet We.

The slate-blue water was lightened in spots by ks beneath the surface.

Several boulders broke the ace. A bird landed on an overhanging willow
ch, but if it chirped, the sound was swallowed by gentle rush of the
water. Derek stood still, drinking in the serenity of the '. Or did
the serenity come from Sabrina? He always thought it, though what he'd
felt during the ve from New York had not been exactly serene.

Remembrance of those feelings brought the moment an end. Turning away
from the river, he spotted the He'd always been intrigued by barns. They
repsented everything held never had as a kid - a loft to : in, a pet
to care for, a way of life that was slower, wholesome, more gentle.

There was something peacejul about bams, and though this one wasn't
anything special to, look at, it beckoned. He completed the walk around
the back of the house until he stood before it. As bams went, it was
modest , size. A worn path leading from its front toward a break in
the woods suggested that at one point it had housed some form of
livestock. It showed its age. Random strips of weatherboarding had come
unnailed, the hay door hung askew, and the red paint was tired and wom.

Unable to resist the invitation of the half-open great door, Derek moved
forward. His deck shoes made no sound on the apron. He slipped through,
then stopped and caught his breath. I Inside, the bam was a cavern of
shadows. From a single high dormer, a beam of sunlight cut a conical 279
swathe through the dark. In that small pool of sunlight was Sabrina. She
was sitting on her heels beside an old captain's table. A piece of
sandpaper lay on the wood; the ultrafine grains of sawdust floating in
the light attested to the work she'd been doing. She wasn't working now,
though. She was grasping the edge of the table with one hand, while the
sun glittered off her bowed blond head. And as Derek stood hidden in the
shadows, he saw her brush tears from her cheeks. Something inside him
twisted and turned. She was everything he'd ever dreamed, kneeling there
in a pair of dusty white jeans and an oversized blue shirt. Her hair was
a wild tangle. Her feet were bare. And she was hurting. '?' Her
head came up fast, a look of alarm on her face as she peered into the
dark. He went fox-ward - two steps, then a third. He stopped. Her eyes
had widened. She was starin& just starin& and for a minute fear pounded
through him so strongly that he couldn't move. But only for a minute,
because he had a need to hold her that wouldn't be denied. When he
started forward again, he saw her blink, then saw her eyes fill with
fresh tears. He hastened his step when she rose from the floor, and by
the time he had reached the small circle of light she was throwing
herself into his arms. He -caught her to him, swinging her off her feet
and around. She couldn't talk at first. Her throat was filled with soft,
slow sobs that shook her entire body. Derek held her tighter, his long
arms crisscrossing her body while he brushed his face back and forth in
the wild waves of her hair. 280 11 thought - ' she cried in a high
tremolo that spoke something akin to panic. ' thought you weren't He
moaned and crushed her even closer. The tremolo came again. ' thought
you'd changed ur mind - that you didn't - want me now that you're F
Letting her feet touch the floor, he took her face in Ads hands and
tipped it to his. ' could never change ,.MY mind/he said raggedly. '
love you too much.' Before she had a chance to respond, his mouth took
rs in a kiss that was wild and hungry. They were th breathing harder by
the time he was done, and ', between those rapid breaths, he
pressed moist ' to he nose, her eyes, her forehead. He returned -to
her mouth with one that was deep enough to touch er soul, and when he
raised his head, his gray eyes ere smouldering. 11 need you/ he
whispered hoarsely. 11 need you badly., The need was electric. it was
the culmination of months of desire, of foreplay that had been enacted
in their minds, where no guards could stop it. It was spontaneous and
inevitable and hot. As he bent his head to her again, she met him
halfway, her lips as anxious as his. Their hands moved over each other,
trying to touch everythin& to know everything at once. But it was
impossible, and the touching they did wasn't enough. ' need you/ he
whispered again, this time easing his tongue into her mouth while his
impatient fingers worked on the buttons of her blouse. In no time the
blous e was opened and he was. touching her bare flesh. Clenching
handfuls of his hair, Sabrina let her head fall back. She was panting
softly, trying to release the 281 heat that was building too quickly.

But the more he touched her - and he was a master with his palms, the
heels of his hands, his fingertips - the hotter she grew. When he ducked
his head and sucked her breast into his mouth, she began to shake.

"Derek ... ahhh ... please ...' She slid her hands over his waist,
then his belly, and touched him where he was hard with desire. Singed,
he jerked back, but in the next shallow breath he was straining forward,
needing more, then more still. But it was still not enough. He needed to
be embedded inside her. Tugging at the snap of her jeans, he lowered the
zipper and pushed the fabric down. His own shirt got in his way; since
it had no buttons, Sabrina had pushed it up and was trying to work it
over his head. He paused long enough to whip it off, while she pulled at
the drawstring that held up his pants. He took care of that, too,
shoving the pants and his briefs down and off while his hpated eyes held
hers. Then he reached for her again with the urgency of one too long
denied. Leaving her shirt as it was, he lowered her to the floor of the
barn, rushed off her jeans and panties, and in that single ray of
November sun, took his place between her thighs and surged forward. His
possession was full and deep and brought him a pleasure so agonizing
that he barely heard Sabrina's own cry. Even when he realized what the
sound was, he couldn't possibly have stopped. His face was a mask of
sweet torment, his body glistened with sweat, and the need that pulsed
through him was a relentless force centered in his loins. Sabrina did
not stay him. She wound her legs around his waist and lifted herself to-
meet his thrusts. He 282 t to take his time and savor the fine nuances
of r sheathing, but the urgency of his body wouldn't Allow for that. Nor
would hers. She was tightening @iround him, milking him with love. He
stroked her '. With each incursion, he felt himself going
:'deeper into that love, until he thought'he would lose '
entirely to it. He loved her more with each thrust. Long arms trembling,
he fastened his mouth to hers and drank in her impassioned cries until
he felt her arch up, catch in her breath, then burst into flames. The
ripple of those spasms inside her sent him reeling, back arching,
muscles quivering, sweat beading. With a mighty moan, he followed her
into a prolonged and powerful climax. For a time, the sounds of panting
were the only ones in the bam. Then, incredibly, Sabrina began to cry
again. Still buried in her warmth, Derek rolled to his side and gathered
her in. 11 hurt you, I he cried, calling himself a million names for
having taken her like an animal. He should have known. He should have
given himself more time, perhaps slaked his sexual needs on other women
before coming to her. He'd been caged too long. His hand shook as he
stroked her hair, ', I'm sorry, Sabrina. I just needed you like I
never needed anyone or anything before. I kept thinking that if I didn't
hurry something was going to happen to stop it, and I had to be inside
you - ' Her arms were tight around him. Her face was buried against his
throat. She continued to cry, but very, very softly. Derek died a little
with each sob. ''t baby, please don't.' film h-happy., 283 His hand
stilled on her hair. ' don't sound happy. i ' I am., ' you always
cry when you're happy? ' don't know. I h-haven't been happy very much
lately.' He gave a low moan, closed his eyes and rolled to bring her on
top of him. Then he lifted her face with his hands. ''ll have to work
on that.' He took his time examining each of her features. His thumbs
followed his eyes, tenderly wiping tears from her cheeks. Then he smiled
and whispered, ' love you./ Watery-eyed, she smiled back and whispered,
"Me too.' She repeated the words in a kiss. By the time it was over, his
smile was gone. ' I hurt you?' She shook her head. ' cried out
when I - "It was so strong. I was frightened.' ' you now?' She
hesitated, then nodded. ' just happened - I've never felt anything
like it.' ' climaxed?' ' like that.' ' what?' he asked,
needing to know. Where Sabrina was concerned, he had a barrelful of
insecurities. Her eyes held his. '. Endlessly. Almost ...
violently.' ' violently., I didn't want violently., ' it was so
good.' Her voice dropped to a whisper. ' can still feel it.' He sucked
in a loud breath, said, ' know/ and rolled over again. This time, as
soon as she was beneath him, 284 he slid his hands under her and scooped
her up, then reared back to sit on his heels. She was straddling his
lap. He was still inside her. ' love you/ she whispered, winding her
arms around his neck. She kissed him lightly once, then again, and
hugged him tightly. A familiar knot rose in his throat. He hugged her
back, unable to get enough of her softness. When he could speak again,
he said, ' worried about that. The closer my release got, the more I
worried.' ' love you.' Tipping her face up, he took his turn kissing
her once, then again. Neither kiss was as light as hers had been, but if
the purring in the back of her throat was any indication, she didn't
mind. Then he combed her hair back from her face. '? I She
nodded. ' little sandy.' They'd done enough rolling around that not
even the shirt she still wore had been able to protect her from the wood
dust. ' too. Nice table, though., ' will be.' She touched his cheek,
the tiny mole at his temple, the faded scar by his eye. She wove her
fingertips into his hair. ' had it cut/ she '. It looked
perfect, even mussed from their loving. ' like it.' He nuzzled the
shell curve of her ear. ' like your bam.' Imusty.1 ' musty! 11 like
your clothes, too.' She knew that she would never, never forget that
moment when she'd looked up and seen him. She'd been thinking about
Nicky, thinking about Derek, feeling very low and very alone, and then
held called her name. ' wasn't sure it was you, at first. I've been
picturing you in blue denim.' 285 ' again. I cleaned out my closet
and gave every pair of blue jeans I owned to the Salvation Army.' He
kissed her right eye and said in a deeper voice, ' like your body.' She
blushed. ' breasts are perfect.' She lowered her forehead to his
chest. ''re too small.' ' are not.' He ran his hands over her
hips and down her legs. ' you know that I've never seen you in
anything but a skirt?' ' like your legs.' His hands were making the
return trip, palms creating a sensual friction upward from her thighs
and over her hips. She sighed when they came to rest under her arms,
thumbs lightly rubbing the outer swell of her breasts. Sabrina felt
herself tingling inside. She wondered if it was a lingering after-effect
of their lovemaking, but when she shifted her hips ever so slightly, the
feeling grew. Something else grew, too. She raised questioning eyes to
Derek's. ' was only a matter of time/ he answered with a mischievous
grin that created a slash in his cheek that stirred her even more.

Cupping her bottom with both hands, he urged her more snugly over his
heat. ' would never do it.' He captured her mouth and gave her a
long, thorough kiss. By the time he was done, the tingling inside her
had become a slow bum. Arms around his neck, she strained closer to his
body. But Derek wanted to touch her, wanted to touch her breasts and her
belly and that place between her legs that was so moist and hot against
him. So he held 286 her back a little and gave his hands the freedom
they craved. Sabrina didn't protest. He brought her too much pleasure.

Too soon, though, she was flaming, and when she tried to tell him to
slow down, he smothered the words with his mouth ' and then it was
too late for them both, because, again, her climax sparked his. When it
was over this time, Derek lay on the floor of the barn and tucked her to
his side. He wanted to shut his eyes and rest, but he was afraid that if
he did, she'd disappear. So he settled for looking at the comfortable
way she'd draped her body against his. And after a bit, when she tipped
her head to look at him, he said, ' couldn't come here before, Sabrina.

I wanted to, but I couldn't. I felt too dirty., ' were never - He put
a finger to her lips. ' felt it. I took three showers a day.' His
finger came to rest on her chin. ' it wasn't only physical. I felt
that I had to air out my mind, as if it reeked of hatred and resentment
and violence. Prison is a poison. It gets in your system. I wanted to
get it out.' ' you?' she asked, but she knew the answer. She saw the
shadow on his face. ' of it, I guess.' He lay his head back and
looked up at the rafters. After a time he said, ' was just as well I
went to New York. There were things I had to do., ' ... V '. I
hadn't done it in a while.' ' must have felt good., ' first two
nights were a little rocky, but after that it was okay., ' dreams?"
287 . '. I kept dreaming I was back inside. I'd wake up disoriented
and shaking.' ', Derek.' ''s okay. Once I started sleeping, I made
up for lost time.' Her lips curved against his chest. ' you slept most
of the week away?' ' should've. The rest of what I did wasn't worth
much.' ' ... ?, ' with my agent.' Sabrina knew that would have
to do with work. ' he any help?' she asked, n ' sure whether she
wanted him to work or not. She liked the idea of Derek's staying with
her, which she doubted he'd be able to do once he found work. Vermont
wasn't exactly in the mainstream for investigative reporters. ' yeah/
Derek said. ' was a help. He was sure every talk show in the
country would jump at the chance to have me on. He envisiofied a
national tour - until I set him straight.' ' won't do talk shows?

"Not as a guest. I want to be the one asking questions, not the other
way around.' ' if it was good publicity - if the producer of a
program could see you and realize that you were back in circulation and
say to himself, "Hey, that guy's the one I need," wouldn't it be worth
it?' Derek's voice was chilly. ' don't need a job that bad. in fact, I
don't need a job at all. I never had time to spend the money I earned
before, so I invested it all. The interest alone can keep me in style."
Tut you want to work.' ' I will. Somehow or other, I will.' Sabrina
had other questions on the subject but was 288 reluctant to ask them.

She could feel Derek's tension and wanted it gone. To that end, she slid
her open hand over his chest, soothing him with a gentle massage. 01'm
glad you're here/ she said softly. He closed his eyes and concentrated
on the feel of her hand moving over his skin. Her touch was the balm he
needed. His muscles gradually relaxed. ' am I/ he said and stroked her
hip. Then he raised his head, '?' '.' ' have goose bumps.' ''m
okay.' He hadn't noticed until then that the spray of sunlight on the
floor of the barn had shifted. ' think we'd better get up.' But when he
made to rise, she held him tighter and protested, '. Stay.' ''m not
leaving/ he said very gently. ''t move. I don't want anything to
change.' He eyed her in amusement. ' can't stay here forever.' '
know, but just a little longer?' ''re getting chilled.' ''m fine."
"I'm getting sore.' ,., ' besides/ he said, bringing her up with
him this time, ' want a tour of the place.' Standing, he grasped the
lapels of her shirt and drew her body flush to his. ' maybe something
to eat.' Her eyes widened. ' have to get food. I don't have any food. I
wasn't expecting anyone, and since I don't eat all that much myself, I -
I He silenced her with a kiss, then said, ' there a market nearby?"
289 ' the village.' ''ll go together.' , you stay?' Tor a meal?

I ' more than one?' ' I being invited? '.' ,'ll stay.' '.,
That settled, they grinned at each other. She put a finger to his
dimple. ' like this.' ' I like this/he countered, running both
thumbs very lightly under her eyes. Vhat?, ' smudges. The smudges are
gone.' So was the tic. ''re getting lots of rest.' ''s plenty of
time for that up here. Want a bath? I ' men don't take baths.' qt's
a Jacuzzi.' ' is?' Sut it just went in. I haven't tried it out yet."
"You haven't?' She shook her head. '/he chided, ' can you have
a Jacuzzi and not try it out?' .'I was waiting for you.' ' if I
hadn't come?' ' guess the Jacuzzi would have gone to waste.' ''s a
big one?' She nodded. '?' ' master suite.' '? I have to see
this.' At that moment, with her arms looped loosely 290 around Derek's
neck, her naked body pressed to his and her gaze held by one that was
warm as toast, Sabrina felt happier than she'd felt in years. ''m ready
whenever you are.'

Chapter 12.

They helped each other dress - not in
any teasing prelude to further lovemaking, but simply because they
wanted to touch. They needed the reassurance that the other was there,
that the other was free, that the other loved. Sabrina's hands brushed
Derek's lean hips as she tied the drawstring of his cotton pants. The
backs of his fingers skimmed her soft flesh when he rebuttoned her
blouse. She held his shoulders for balance when he helped her into her
jeans. And together, with Sabrina warming his side first, they
maneuvered his shirt over his head. ' is all pretty unnecessary/ he
said, grinning as he took her hand. She had his deck shoes tucked under
an arm. ''re going right in to take a bath.' ' we have to cross
here to there, and it's cool out.' He sent her a doubting glance. '
look at it this way/ she returned indulgently. ' can never tell what
form of beast is spying from the woods.' Derek didn't want to look at it
that way. it had occurred to him more than once that if Greer was still
after him, the last thing he should have done was come to Sabrina. But
he'd been selfish. He'd needed her. He hadn't been aware of being
followed in New York, and he knew he hadn't been followed when he drove
north. As he saw it, he had a choice: he could either spend every waking
hour looking over his shoulder, or he could relax and simply keep his
eyes and ears open. 292 now, though, his eyes and ears and all his
senses were calling for Sabrina. Bringing her ""close to his side, he
guidedher from the barn. The air was indeed cooler than it had been when
he'd come, and though it was only mid-afternoon, the sun was leaning
toward the horizon. She squeezed his waist and tipped her head up to
him. ''m so glad you're here.' Twenty mmutes later, she repeated the
words. Derek was leaning over the Jacuzzi, a4justing the water
temperature. She'd slipped her hands under his shirt and was stroking
his back. Satisfied with the heat, he turned, sat on the broad ledge of
the tub and tugged off the shirt. Then he brought Sabrina to stand
between his legs. His hands stole under the tails of her shirt but went
no farther than her waist because he was suddenly distracted. The look
in her eyes was something to behold. She was focusing on his chest,
looking as though she'd never - seen anything so beautiful. She ran her
hands lightly around the broad curve of his shoulders, brought them
skimming over the muscles that defined his upper chest, slid them over
warm, hard flesh to where his pants rode low on his hips, then dragged
'them back up the narrow line of soft, dark hair that bisected his
front. Where the line flared, her fingers followed until each palm
covered a small, hard nipple, Then Sabrina was the one to be distracted,
because the slightest pressure of Derek's hands had arched her toward
him and his mouth was opening over her breast. The barrier of her shirt
enhanced the feeling as his tongue dabbed her nipple to hardness.

Propping her forearms on his shoulders, she closed her eyes in pleasure.

He continued for several minutes. But when both 293 nipples were taut
and her breath was coming less steadily, he set her back and said
hoarsely, ''s ready.' It took her a minute of lingering delight to
realize what he was saying. She opened her eyes to send him a look of
pleading, which he answered with a gentle kiss. To make up for what he'd
done, he helped her undress. Moments later, she was settled in the crook
of his shoulder in the warm, swirling water. She gave a soft sigh of
contentment, but other than that neither of lem. spoke. They simply
surrendered to the warmth d let the water massage their entwined limbs.

"Sabrina?'Derek asked after a while. '?' ''s Nicky?' At first she
didn't respond. Then, with a sad sigh this time, she gave a
one-shouldered shrug. ' change?' She shook her head. ''t want to
talk about it?' ' now. It hurts. I don't want to hurt right now."
"You made the right decision.' ' it hurts anyway.' He drew her in a
little closer, offering whatever silent comfort he could. Several
minutes later, he said, ' think you've done a great job with this
place.' She twitched her nose against his chest. ''re just saying
that to make me feel better.' ' I do that? I ' don't know. Would
you?' '. I really like it.', '?' she asked cautiously. '-huh.1
And he meant it. The inside of the farmhouse was simply done, clean with
newly stuccoed 294 and polished wood floors, warm with area rugs '
native artwork. I don't have much furniture.' You hav what you need -
sofa and chairs in the living roorn, bed in the bedroom, a few dressers
and desks.' He paused, then tried to sound casual when he said, ' a
completed guest room. Why is the guest room the most finished in the
house?' She heard something behind his. attempt at casualness that made
her bit back a smile. ' you worried?' He considered denying it, but
only for an instant. '/ he said gruffly. ' haven't waited all this
time for you, only to sleep in a guest bedroom.' She cupped the water
and sent it rippling higher on his chest. ' to worry. It's for my
guests.' ''t I a guest?' '.' ' am I? Her smile was soft, shy,
innocent. ' one. Lover.' He liked her answer as much as he liked
her softness, her shyness, her innocence. Sliding an arm beneath her
knees, he shifted her until she lay across his lap. With his upper arm
bracing her head, he kissed her, then asked, ' why is the guest room
all done up?' ' my brother has taken to visiting.' ' come?"
"Beats me/ she said. ''s like he's looking for family after all these
years.' . ' he has your parents. He lives a lot closer to them than
to you.' ''s not the same. There's something here. I'm not sure I can
explain, but he likes this place. He doesn't do a lot, just kind of sits
and thinks and asks me 295 questions about what I was thinking and
feeling when we were growing up.' ' do you tell him?' ' I was
wishing our family was like other families. That I wanted everyone to be
attentive and warm and close.' ' still want that.' She hesitated for
an instant before acknowledging it with a nod. ' you tell him thatv ,
have., Vhat does he say? ' I'm no different from him, or my mother
or my father. But they're so lonely, Derek. Each one in his way., '
are you/ Derek said very softly. She held his gaze for a minute, then
closed her eyes and turned into his body. She didn't feel lonely. When
Derek was with her she felt that she could dream again. She knew that it
was an illusion, that he had designs on his life and that some of them
frightened her, but she felt she'd earned an illusion or two. ' love
you/ he whispered. ' want that/ she whispered back. Tipping her chin
up, he kissed her in a way that left little doubt as to his sincerity,
and by the time he was done, his hands were on her body, working with
the gentle pulse of the water to give her pleasure. But the pleasure
wasn't only hers. It was Derek's too. The way she sighed when he
caressed her breasts, the tiny moan she let out when he traced the
outline of her bottom, the small feline sounds she made when he found
the special heat between her legs - all heightened his own arousal to
such an extent that while she was still 296 throbbing in climax he
lifted her over him and arched deeply into his own release. Some time
later, when their bodies had calmed, they Climbed from the tub, wrapped
themselves in large terry bath sheets and stumbled to Sabrina's bed,
where they shed the towels, climbed under the covers and fell asleep in
each other's arms. By the time they awoke, it was dark and too late to
go to the market. Not that either of them was sorry. They didn't feel
like getting dressed, and it turned out that Sabrina had food in the
house after all. That is awful/ she decided as she opened an envelope of
dried soup. Derek had already put the prescribed amounts of milk and
water in a pan. ' so awful/ he argued, taking the envelope from her
and adding its contents to the liquids. ' like cream of broccoli soup.

And besides, if you bought it, you must have been planning on eating it
yourself, so why is it so terrible if I have some?' ' you deserve
better. And because I, should have been prepared.' He set the pan on the
stove, lit the gas under it, then turned and took her by theshoulders.

"If anyone's at fault here, it's me. I didn't say when I was coming. I
didn't say if I was coming, so there was no reason for you to stock up."
"It occurred to me to buy food, it really did. But first the kitchen
wasn't ready, and then I was afraid.' '?, ' if I gave a party
and no one carne.' He rotated his thumbs. Not even the thick terry of
her robe could hide the delicacy of her bones. That delicacy was only
part of what inspired his gentleness, 297 when he asked, Is that why you
don't have a room set up for-Nicky? I She swallowed hard, but she didn't
avoid his eyes. '. I wanted you to come, so I was superstitious about
making preparations. With Nicky, it's different. I'm not sure I want
She couldn't finish. The thought was so cruel. But Derek saw it
differently. ''re not sure you want all that work again. It's
understandable, Sabrina. Nothing to be ashamed of.' Tut he's my son. I
love him. There are times when I'm torn to bits, when the anguish of not
having him is as bad as the anguish of having him. I thought about
decorating a room for him. I even pictured how I'd do it. Then I thought
about seeing that room day in, day out, and I didn't think I could take
it. I try - I She swallowed again, and her eyes were growing moist. '
try not to think about Nicky too much. When I do, I go nowhere. I have
to move on in ni@y life.' Derek took her under his arm and held her
close while he stirred the soup. ' you want to have another child?,
"I couldn't.' '?' '. I couldn't go through another
pregnancy knowing what happened.' He hesitated for just a minute before
saying, ' didn't use anything, Sabrina.' ''s okay. I have an IUD.' He
gave the soup another stir, then another. Then he said, ' you were to
have a second child, it could be totally different.' ' it could be the
same.' ' the doctors say that?' When she didn't answer, 298 prodded.

"Did they give you odds against it happening again?' '.' ' are
they? ' slim/ she said in a small voice, then rushed on, ' that's
irrelevant. Even if the odds were a million to one, I couldn't risk it."
Derek felt saddened. Not only did he believe that Sabrina was made to be
a mother, but he had images from time to time of her mothering a child
of his. They were fleeting images. He hadn't given much thought In the
past to having children, and his future was too murky for him to dwell
on it now. But those fleeting images brought him a strange, unexpected
sense of peace. Riding on the tails of that peace, he gave the soup a
last stir, gave her shoulders a squeeze and turned toward the
refrigerator. The master suite was on the ground floor at the back of
the house. It actually consisted of three smaller rooms that had been
added on after the original farmhouse had been built, but Sabrina had
had the walls broken down and the cathedral ceiling exposed. The room
looked out over the woods and- was Iii by two large skylights through
which, on a clear night, moonlight poured. Moonlight was pouring in this
night, but that wasn't what kept Sabrina and Derek awake. It was each
other and the fact that they were together. The slightest movement of
one caused the other to stir. There was surprise, occasional alarm then
reassurance. A kiss led to A touch, which led to a caress, which often
led to something far hotter. Then again, there were times when they
simply lay in each other's arms and talked. ' you enjoy living 299 up
here?' he asked in a tone compatible with the quiet of the night.

"Uh-huh. I try to get back to New York once a month, but I feel better
here.' ' in what way?' Tess'pressured. New York is such'a doing
city. When I'm there, I feel inadequate.' ''s bullshit, y'know. You
have no reason to feel inadequate.' ' I do. I'm leading an
unproductive life.' ' wouldn't call what you've spent the last two
months doing to this farmhouse unproductive.' ' know what I mean. And
anyway, life is calmer here than in New York. I like it this way.' '
don't mind the isolation?' ' don't feel isolated. At least, no more so
than I did in New York. I keep in touch with a few friends by phone, and
Maura pops in sometimes.' He took a playful bite of her chin. '
guest for the guest room?' '. She wants me to write your story. I
keep telling her that I'm working on you, but I don't think I'm doing a
very good job of that, either.' She took a quick breath. ', why do
you want, to know about Lloyd Ballantine?' '/he whispered against
her earlobe. ' now.' ' when?' '.' The next morning - late,
late morning - Derek opened up a bit. ' always wanted to be able to do
this. When I was a kid, breakfast in bed seemed the ultimate luxury.'.

Tucking the sheet across her breasts, Sabrina reached for a cracker.

"I'll bet you dreamed of something better than Saltines and jam.' 300
"Hey, we have a cheese omelet here.' '. One egg and two slices of
cheese, and most of that is stuck to the plate.' ' this is a
luxury. Where I came from, you didn't nsk getting crumbs on the sheets.

Crumbs brought ants, so my mom said, and since we already had plenty of
cockroaches - ' ' had cockroaches on Fifth Avenue/ Sabrina said as she
handed him a cracker neatly spread with jam. ' did you have them?"
"Not on Fifth Avenue, not even in New York.' He downed the cracker in a
single bite. ' lived in a little town about forty minutes out of
Philadelphia. I can't say,'we lived on the wrong side of the tracks,
because there weren't any tracks. The whole town was pretty depressed.

We had a tiny little two-bedroom place that wasn't worth the money it
would have taken to make it livable, but it was the nicest house in the
neighborhood. My mother did what she could, but my father usually bet
away what money he earned before he got home.' Tviat did he do for a
living?' Leaning against the bed's brass headboard with the sheet draped
loosely over his 4ips, Derek had a sudden panicky urge to change the
subject. Getting into his father's job was getting into the really dirty
stuff, and he didn't want to do that. He felt at home in Sabrina's
farmhouse. He felt at home with Sabrina. She made him feel that he was
worthy of what she offered. But he owed her the truth. ' father was
the brains behind one of the biggest loan sharks in Phillie. He set up
deals, saw them enforced. He would have been a wealthy man, himself, if
he hadn't had a compulsion to gamble.' He frowned at the folds of the
sheet. ' mother suffered. She was 301 a principled woman to the point
of being obsessed, while my father was loose as a goose and twice as
dirty. God only knows what they saw in each other.' ' attract?"
"The thing was, they didn't attract.' ' must have at some point.

They made you.' He snorted. ''ve often wondered if it was rape. The
only sounds I heard coming from my parents' room at night were
unpleasant ones. They argued a lot.' ' he beat her?' '. I'm not
sure he could have. She was nearly as tall as he was, and she was
physically strong. I know/ he said in such a way that Sabrina understood
that he'd felt the brunt of his mother's physical strength more than
once. ' my father wasn't like that, anyway. He wasn't one to get his
hands dirty. When it came to delivering messages that loan payments
weren't being made on time, he had other people do the ugly stuff. I
"Then why - ' closed her mouth on the question, but Derek could
easily follow the direction of her thoughts. ' was he killed? He was
killed because he got too smart for his britches. Or maybe too greedy.

Or too desperate. He'd done time for being an accessory to murder. He
was feeling pretty low, and he didn't like that. He decided his life
would be improved if he took a bigger cut in the loan payments, and he
thought he could do it without his boss knowing.' He paused, and when he
spoke again, his voice was strained. ' Padilla used to run the money
with him. He was a punk kid, a bodyguard. At some point he figured that
he stood to gain more by snitching on my dad than by sticking by him,
and he was probably right. Money is 302 power, and my dad couldn't hold
money any longer than it took to reach the nearest racetrack.' ' why
did they have to kill him?' ' set an example.' ' old were you?"
Tifteen.' ' you know all this then?' 10h, yeah. in a neighborhood
like ours, you didn't miss much, and what you missed, someone else made
sure to fill you in on.' His eyes reflected that remem- bered pain. '
was no model child. People took pleasure in telling me why.' '?"
11kifinm ? ' think about Joey Padilla a lot, don't you?' Derek
scuffed up a bunch of wet leaves. He and Sabrina were walking through
the afternoon woods. Tall evergreens sheltered them from the fine rain
that fell. '. I think about him., ' much older than you was he?"
"About eight years.' ' he have a family?' ' told me he had a wife
afid two kids. ' he have a job?' ', he was a mechanic.

Unofficially, he was moving drugs. And he drank a lot.' Vhat was he
doing in the parking lot that night? Why was he the one to call you? Was
it an honest coincidence?' Derek nudged her hips with, his own, an easy
thing to do since they were sharing a poncho. ''re full of
questions.' ' before, at Parkersville, you were going to tell 303
me, what happened that night. You didn't get beyond the bare facts."
"Those bare facts are the only ."facts" there are. The rest is
conjecture.' ''m game for conjecture' For several minutes, the only
sound was the patter of rain as it dripped from the tips of the pine
needles and the squish of the wet leaves underfoot. She looked UP at
Derek's face. His hair lay in damp spikes on his forehead. His features
were tense, his eyes distant. ' didn't make sense/ he said out of
the blue. ' months after the trial, I sat in my cell and went over
and over what happened that night. I looked at things one way, then
another. I looked from every angle, and only one thing was clear. The
phone call was obviously a setup, because-Padilla had planned to kill
me. He came from his car holding a loaded gun. If he'd been on the
level, there'd have been no need for a gun. I wasn't any threat to him.

I didn't know who he was.' ' he know that?' ' had to have known it.

He gave me a phony name, and it was too dark that night for me to see a
thing. So I asked myself why he wanted to kill me. I couldn't believe
that it had anything to do with what happened between my father and him
more than twenty-five years before. He was the one who did the
Snitching, if anyone had wanted revenge, it would have been me. But I
didn't want revenge. The thought never occurred to me. And it wasn't
like I'd followed him around or threatened him. In all those years Id
never made the slightest move toward him.' They reached the remains of a
stone wall and sat down side by side. Sabrina had an arm wound through
his, a hand in the pocket of his slacks. 304 ' first I thought it had
to do with the eyewitness story I was doing. That was the most obvious
thing. But I couldn't find the Padilla- link. And then there Were the
other things.' ' other things?' Things related to the trial. They
denied me bail. David had a hard time preparing the case. Witnesses
appeared out of nowhere. I am sure, sure that Padilla and I were alone
in the parking lot that night. But suddenly the prosecution produced two
witnesses, two kids who were supposedly screwing in their car when we
drove up.' ' must have checked them out.' ' he did, and he
found that their records were clean as a whistle. We put a private
investigator on the case, and he learned that the kids had been involved
in an automobile accident that had maimed a traveling salesman, but the
witness ' let it slip to our investigator that they'd been stoned at
the time of the -accident refused to testify.' ''t you force him
to?' ''d only lie on the stand. Someone had gotten to him. it looked
like the kids were given a clean slate in ,,.'@exchange for perjury,
only we couldn't prove a thing. In fact, that was the story in a
nutshell. We couldn't 4- prove a thing. We couldn't prove that the judge
who denied me bail had been bought, or that the one who denied David's
pretrial motions had been bought, or Ahat the one who presided at the
trial and subtly favored the prosecution had been bought. We couldn't
prove a thing. ' was when I began to. realize that we were dealing
with someone very powerful, and there had . no one of that caliber
even remotely involved in my eyewitness story. So I started looking at
the rest of 305 the things I'd been working on at the time. I figured
someone was threatened. Someone was threatened enough by what I was
doing that he needed me out of the picture, and that someone had to have
been powerful enough to carry it off without getting caught.? He fell
silent, thinking, brooding. ', Derek? I Sabrina asked very softly. it
was a minute before Derek answered, and then it wasn't in response to
her question. He was moving chronologically, reliving each bit of
frustration. ' had to dredge everything up in my mind because the
studio had sealed all my files. A few people helped. A few others said
they wanted to help, then suddenly lost interest. I went over every
story - not only those I'd been working on at the time, but ones I'd
done three months, six months, a year before. Lots of those stories had
stiffed up flak, but it was the kind of flak that was good, that we
wanted; and none of the people involved had the kind of power - or the
balls, for that matter - to do much more than make noise. Then, though,
there was the business about Lloyd Ballantine.' ' business?' Sabrina
returned, in a faintly despairing tone. ' Ballantine was the kind
of boring man that you figured had to have been leading a double life to
keep from falling asleep on himself ... That's itiisn't it, Derek? He
had a whole other side.' ' sudden excitement he saw on her face raised
his spirits. ' was my theory/ he admitted. ' accident that killed
him was too pat. There was no reason for it. He wasn't speeding. He
wasn't drinking. He wasn't taking drugs or any kind of legitimate
medication. Nor was he driving in his sleep. He got up in the middle of
the night from the bed he shared with his wife, climbed into his car and
drove over a cliff.' 306 - AAre you thinking it was murder?' '. The
police were pretty thorough, given who he was. They found no evidence
for that.' ' suicide. I saw the word mentioned ' passing in
several of the articles I read, but it was always ruled out as a theory
that lacked substance. Ballantine hadn't left a note. No one having to
do with him would admit that he'd been depressed, and he hadn't sought
psychi- help.'She hesitated.'Do you think it was suicide?' Stric ' do/
Derek said as he drew her up and headed back toward the house. K. Later,
stretched on his side by the living-room fire, he went on. ' two
years after Ballantine's death, received an anonymous letter. It
suggested that if I wanted the story to beat all stories, I should look
into tloyd Ballantine's life. Normally I didn't pay much heed to
anonymous letters like that; people often _vrrote with suggestions for
stories, and often they .@'involved personal vendettas that the police
wouldn't A uch. But there was something different about this @4 . te
.-Att r. Maybe the sheer simplicity of it. It gave no -,.details, named
no names but Ballantine's. Then again, .!Igallantine had been a Supreme
Court justice, and I w that if I could find something startling in his
life R li-or death - I would have the stor y to beat all stories.' Using
his legs as a backrest, Sabrina draped an arm, F gver his hip. '
there any hints at all about who @ould have sent it?' It was postmarked
New York and was handwritten, ..@,:'but the script looked as though it
was purposely @Iistorted - you know, like a right-handed person writing
with his left hand?' At Sabrina's nod of understand- '@ing, he went on.

"I showed it to a handwriting expett, .,but the only thing he was able
to suggest was that it -had been written by a woman. Not much to go on.

I 307 really didn't have the time then to research Ballantine, an& I
couldn't justify putting any of my people to work on something so vague.

So I filed the letter for a rainy day., He stretched to reach the poker
and give the burning logs a shove. ', about eight months after that,
a second letter came. It was nearly identical to the first - same
postmark, same handwriting, same message. Only, soon after I got it, I
happened to be in a Washington bar with a well-known Washington lawyer.

He'd had a little too much to drink and was making some pretty imprudent
statements about a case he'd just finished trying, and just for the hell
of it I tossed out Bauantine's name. I got an earful.' Sallantine did
have a hidden lifev ' didn't get around to what he did when he was off
the bench, but according to this lawyer, Ballantine wasn't as much of a
Boy Scout as he wanted people to believe. AUegedly, he was well paid for
casting the deciding vote in several critical rulings. This guy
specifically referred to Ballantine's having committed suicide, and he
went so far as to say that Ballantine left files detailing the
corruption.' Vhy would he do thatv ' incriminate whoever else was
involved., ' he could have gotten himself in lots of trouble if the
files were found before his death., ' he made sure they wouldn't be
found. Or maybe the risk was worth it. They were an insurance policy. A
surefire shot at revenge. There are all sorts of possibilities about
what was going on, including blackmail.' ' anyone ever seen the
files? Derek shook his head. ' that I'd take a halfsloshed lawyer's
word for gospel, but in light of the letters I'd received, I had
something to consider.' 308 Sabrina breathed. ' what's most dible is
that it never came out. Not one of the books I've read even suggested
that he was PC @He may not have been. But from the point of view an
investigative reporter, the thought was triguing.1 ".!Wouldn't something
like that be the business of the ce Department?' '. I went to a
friend there and asked. I figured e the Department had already
investigated and nothing. But there had been no investigation. friend
admitted - only by accident when I tripped up with questions - that
there'd been some rs about Ballantine, but he claimed that's all they
re.1 -,Had he heard about the existence of any files?' @'No.' ''t
he, curious after you mentioned them?' ' you kidding? You have to
understand some- about government employees, Sabrina. As a rule, don't
go looking for trouble. Oh, there are excep-s. But when it comes to
political corruption - or 0 *cial, in this case - they get real
nervous. To point finger at a man - even if that man is as guilty as
could mean the end of the pointer's career.' ' the career of an
investigative reporterv Sabrina ed. gave a bitter half-laugh before
returning to his ' went to see Noel Greer. My boss. Founder and airman
of the board of the network.' ''ve heard of him.' @'Right. Well, I knew
the man, and let me tell you, it no pleasure. We had trouble with each
other from start. He didn't like me-and I didn't like him.' 309 sut he
1ired YOU- I '. The token rebel. I'd established a reputation for
tackling touchy stories and asking hard questions while I was at it.,
His nostrils flared when he inhaled. ' is ultraconservative. But
he's shrewd, and he's a master of appearances. He knew that his network
had a reputation for leaning to the right in newscasts, and he wasn't
about to change that. He liked it. He designed it. His team reported the
news in a light that was consistent with his own ideology - which was
what he wanted the American people to hear. But he knew that it was
about time for an added shot of credibility, and the simplest way to get
it was to hire someone like me. And I took the job. I took it knowmig
exactly why I was hired, but I figured that a token rebel was better
than no rebel at all.' After listening to himself, he snorted. ',
who am I kidding? I took the job for me. I knew that I'd have better
resources at my fingertips, better funding, better exposure. I told
myself that it was the creative opportunity I wanted, but it was really
the position. I'd have more power and respect - not within the network,
but outside it - and I wanted those.' The fire crackled softly. The
shadows it made danced on the hearth, and were made macabre only by the
thoughts of the two people watching. ' can understand why those two
things would be important to you/ Sabrina said - and she could, given
what held said about his childhood. Sut wasn't it also true that you
would have more creative freedom in a position like that? Or did Greer
set the limits? I ' wasn't too bad at first. He made it clear that he
wanted all my plans approved by the network before a penny was spent,
but that approval was usually forthcoming. I had more trouble - and
increasingly so - 310 e stories themselves. I don't know if Greer I'd
pick provocative subjects and then treat them like milquetoast, but we
had some pretty heated ,,wguments over what should or should not survive
the room.' ' worked directly with Greer?) ' officially, but when
it became obvious that the under him did little without his say-so, I
got V-- k f wasting time, so I went straight to the top., 11, @Vc 0 W"

"You went to him on the Ballantine case? Though the comers of Derek's
mouth turned down, ..R4t was clear that his answer was yes. ' I had
were o letters and the hearsay of a sound D.C. lawyer, but "-@;Jwanted
to put a researcher on it just to see what he'd nd. i ' did Greer
say?' ' hit the roof. He was furious that Id even thought question the
integrity of a justice of the Supreme '' ourt of the United States of
America. His reaction --sn't surprising given his political stance, but
what s surprising was the strength of it. In the past, I'd me close to
stepping on some political toes and he'd ed me off, but not like that.

He overreacted. And that made me all the more curious. I assumed he knew
ething that he either didn't want me to know or dn't want the world to
know, afid I had just enough the rebel in me to go after it.

Unfortunately, I didn't "1et very far. I had barely started
researching - on my time, because I wasn't about to commit a breach of
contract, not at that point, at least - when I was sted for murder.

Since bail was denie4, my research ped cold.' He grew v ery still as he
lay there, propped on his staring at the flames. His profile was
Sahrina% 0 Study, which she did with growing discomfort. The 311 angry
set of his features reminded her of the earliest visits she'd made to
Parkersville, when she'd wondered if the anger had left any warmth. She
knew now that it had, that it did, and she knew that the warmth was
precious to her, which made his anger all the more painful to see. '
there a link between Greer and Ballantine?' she asked, deciding that the
sooner it was out, the sooner his anger would ease. , don, t know., '
you think there is.' '.' She waited, but he didn't elaborate. '
kind of link?' she asked gently. ' swing votes he cast. One or more
have to be tied to Greer.' ' Greer paid him off V '. Not
necessarily in greenbacks, but somehow.' He sniffed in a Iong, loud
breath, then released it along with the worst of his tensi6n. His
determination remained. ''m going to find out, Sabrina. If it's the
last thing I do, I am.' Sabrina asked no more questions, because the
answers were making her uneasy. That evening, though, he offered
answers. They were sharing wine, sitting cross-legged opposite each
other on the floor of the glass-enclosed room that, when painted and
furnished, would be a second-floor solarium, when he caught in a sudden
breath and picked up as though there had been no break at all. ''re
probably thinking that I'm nuts, that I have no proof of any connection
between Ballantine and Greer, but, believe me, Sabrina, I know. There
was something about Greer's expression when I mentioned Ballantine's
name. It's common knowledge that Greer 312 a pretty big interest in some
antitrust cases that de it to the Supreme Court a while back. And Noel
is one of the few men who wields the kind of that could have put me
behind bars so quickly firmly. His arm is long and has incredible
strength. could have done it.' $ibrina. dropped her eyes to her
wineglass. Its rim ted the flicker of the candle that burned in its r
between them. ' you think I'm nuts?' Derek asked. She wanted to tell
him no, to be supportive at all ts, but he'd come to expect honesty from
her, and honest opinion was that the scenario he'd outlined room for
doubt. 11 don't know Greer, but'I find it that any one man could have
that much r - not that he could have it, per se, but that he abuse it
like that., ' is an old hand at the abuse of power. He wrote book
on, wheeling and dealing. The network is i ly a dictatorship. Greer
wants things his way. wants to be the one in control., ' ...' She
struggled to find the words to express skepticism without offending
Derek. ' how can get away with it? You're sumesting that he was Ive
in an extensive cover-up - not only of his nship with Ballantine but of
your commission murder.' ."'Oh, I committed the murder, all right/ Derek
said disgust. ' did it in self-defense and probably would have been
acquitted of all charges had it not been for the ftnesses who testified
that you had Padilla down and have tossed the gun away but instead chose
to shoot him. How could Greer buy off those witnesses, y off judges
along the way, even, for all we know, 313 buy off prison officials to
give you a hard time - and have no one tell what he'd done?' Derek
brought the wineglass to his mouth and downed its contents in a single
swallow. Sabrina had a right to her skepticism, he supposed, and it was
no more than he could expect from the rest of the world unless he
produced those files. ' has a method. It isn't unique, but it
works. He goes on the theory that every man has his weakness, and that
all he has to do is to find that weakness, and the man is his.' ' you
saying that Greer had something on a nobody like Joey Padilla?' ''s
exactly what I'm saying. The nobodies of the world have just as much to
lose as the somebodies, Sabrina. Don't fool yourself into thinking
otherwise. You did it once before, when you suggested that I had more to
lose in terms of independence and pride than some of the other guys in
prison, and I told you that you were wrong - just like I'm telling you
now.' ''s not - ' ' Padilla might have been shit to us, but at
some level his life had meaning, and if someone or something threatened
that meaning, he may well have bargained to preserve it.' Sabrina felt
chastised. ''m sorry. I didn't mean to say - I ' wife and kids -
maybe they were his weakness. Maybe the wife was sick. Or one of the
children. You never had a worry about money in caring for Nicky, but not
everyone is as lucky as you. I '/ Sabrina said in a small voice,
'but'no amount of money paid for even the most -sympatheti cause can
justify murder. Joey Padillawas hired to kill you, Derek.' 314 Derek
stared at her for several long, silent moments P@@'W'ore slumping a
little. ' know.' Setting down her glass, she slid around the bottle of
wine and the candle and put an arm around his neck. :4you value life.

Where you find sympathy for a man *ho would have killed you himself if
held been a little o quicker is beyond me. I admire you for it.' ''t
admire me. I killed him. in seff-defense.' ''s just as dead.' She put
her lips to his ear and kissed him there, slid her other arm around him
and held him tight. She wished she could do more, but just then, hugging
him . letting him know that she was on his side was all she could do
to help him fight his demons. 315 Ghapter 13 ' spent hours piecing
together the parts/ Derek told Sabrina the next day as he sanded one of
the captain'stable legs. ' and hours. Prison is great for that.

Nothing to do but work yourself into a fury over things you can't touch.

I used to lie there drawing outlines in my head, turning little events
this way and that, trying to make it all work. I kept telling myself
that if I had a day, one day, to ask questions, make phone calls, study
files and records, I'd have answers, because I was an investigator, as
good as any damn cop. But I didn't have a day. I was a carpenter without
tools. And then I'd lie there picturing Greer grinning smugly behind his
big glass desk, in front of his big glass windows that looked down on
all of New York, and I knew that if he'd been in front of me that minute
I'd have strangled him.' Lips compressed, he looked away. Then, with a
small headshake, a silent personal order, he determinedly distanced
himself from the anger. It was a cloudy afternoon. He and Sabrina had
slept late, treated themselves to brunch in town, then returned. They
were in the barn - this time wearing sweaters to ward off the nip in the
air - but still they were barefoot, seated side by side on the floor.

"Anyway, as I see it, Greer got scared when I approached him about
Ballantine. He knew how I worked - that I went after stories with a
vengeance - and he guessed that I might keep at this one even 316 "Id
told me not to. He musthave panicked JLJLC he found out I was doing
that.' Sut how could he have found out? You said you were doing it on
your own time. I ' of the show's associate producers was a nice a
little insecure but eager to get ahead. We'd together a lot. I could
bounce ideas off her se she was bright. She was also a second cousin
"Ito Gerald Carruthers, the man who filled Ballantine's spot on the
bench. If there had been dirt floating I_-"'&wund, Carruthers would
have known it. Dori was A, going to see him at another cousin's wedding,
and I thought it w ould be great if she felt him out, maybe ,,',,set up
a meeting for me. Greer must have known that ,--,she and I had a close
working relationship. He must liave gotten to her.' Did you ever ask her
about it? I ' did. She denied it, but soon after she got a
promotion. She's been producing stories herself since ffien. And when I
saw her last week - ' saw her?' ' the tudio. I stopped to see wha
was happ Z@, - enmg, t s
'"and she was one of the ones who wouldn't look me in @ithe eye' There
were others?' ' yeah.' Vhat was their problem?' I don't know for
certain, but it sure looked like t.' He applied the sandpaper with
greater force to the molded pine. That visit had been discouraging. A
,."Jew of his former staff had greeted him with genuine _@@,imiles,
others with less genuine smiles, still others ,,vith averted eyes and
sudden errands to run. Held felt like a pariah. 11 got the distinct
impression that I wasn't ,,*,elcome there. Some of it had to do with
where I'd 317 been, but it went beyond that. Even those people who
talked with me seemed edgy, like they wanted to talk but didn't dare.

I'm assuming someone let it be known that I was persona non grata at the
studio.' Sabrina, who was doing more listening than sanding, wasn't sure
what to say. She could only look at the line of disgust that thinned
Derek's mouth. The line moved. ', that's probably how Greer found
out I was still after Ballantine - and if it wasn't through Dori, it
could have been through a handful of others who had access to my files.

None of the people I worked with was perfect. We all had places to go,
things to do, and all it might have taken was a little boost from Greer
to help one or another of them on his way. '/ he said, taking a
breath, ' knew that I wasn't letting the Ballantine matter go, and
at that point he must have analyzed his options. He could have fired me,
but I wouldn't have taken that sitting down, and he would have ended'up
in a worse position, because I'd only have taken my story to another
network and done it up with no restraints. He could have kept me on but
tried to intimidate me - but he knew I wouldn't stand for that, either.

After all, I was his rebel. I was outspoken. Given the history of our
relationship, I'd have jumped at the chance to accuse him of blackmail.,
"So he decided to kill you, I Sabrina said in a very quiet voice. Derek
frowned at the wood, brushed the dust aside. ' probably looked like
the onlymay to silence me. Greer hated me enough to do it. He felt
threatened enough to do it. And he was just arrogant enough to believe
that he could pull it off., That said, he sanded-in silence for a time.

Working 318 side, Sabrina didn't hurry him on. There was no no prison
guard to make her leave. Sometimes forgot and felt the little knot in
the pit of her -h that had come at the end of each visit to e, and then
she'd shake herself and look at and know he was staying and smile. If
her smile inappropriate, given what he was telling her, he said so. He
was involved in his storytelling. It a catharsis for him. mehow Greer
found Padilla - a link to my past d theoretically it would have worked
well. Greer I was doing the eyewitness case; he could have one of his
lackeys contact Padilla and tell him what to say on the phone to lure me
to that lot. I don't know what he offered Padilla. Is investigator
couldn't find evidence that ey was exchanged, but money can take
different . Or it could have been promise of protection something or
someone. For all I knew, Padilla s told that I was after him because of
what he'd e to my father and that he'd better kill me before d him., e
sound of his voice faded beneath the scratch of er. Sabrina found the
subject matter nearly as lve. ,-";,The most incredible part of all this/
she com- ' that Greer wasn't caught. How could he he'd get away with
it? Even if he offered Padilla ething he wanted, how could he know that
Padilla dn't go to the police and turn State's evidence? he actually
trust Padilla not to breathe a word of t he'd done to anyonev ..V'l
doubt it. He probably planned on a double murder d that's where
Padilla's connection with my father so neat. A double murder. Clean. No
witnesses. 319 The police would assume that to avenge my father's death
I'd gone after Padilla, who had then managed to shoot me before he
died.' Sabrina's shudder had nothing to do with the chill outside. '
if someone had gone with you that nightv Derek's hand stilled, long
fingers curling tightly around the wood. ' don't know. I've asked
myself that question dozens and dozens of times, and I don't know the
answer. Most likely, if I'm right in what I've assumed, held have had
both of us killed.' He resumed sanding with a fury. ' made a
calculated guess that I'd go alone, though. That was more my style."
Sabrina tucked her feet beneath her for warmth. ' you're right in what
you've assumed, Greer must have had his 01%-M man there in the parking
lot that night to make sure the job was done. Wouldn't it have been a
lot easier for that man just to kill you himself, without involving
Padilla?' ' then there'd have been no explanation for my death, and
Greer wouldn't have wanted that. He likes things neatly tied up. He
wouldn't have risked some detective, s looking a little too deeply into
the case. And since Padilla was a perfect pawn ...' ' things went
wrong. You killed Padilla. Why didn't Greer's man just come forward and
kill you? I '/ Derek said with a quick release of breath, '
cops came. The goddamned cops came while I was still standing there in
shock holding the gun. At first I thought that was part of the plan. I
thought that they'd been given a tip. I mean, their timing was like
something out of a script. And I was furious. It wasn't that I'd have
left Padilla's body and run. Fd1ve called the 320 h s . myself. But
they denied me that show of integrity-1 Sabrina ran her hand along the
curved lip of the -table, now down to its last layer of aged varnish.

"And Greer's man? What did he do then?' ''m assuming he hightailed it
out of therd, got to a phone booth a safe distance away and called
Greer, who began pulling strings to make sure that I was locked away and
that no one looked too hard for the keys.' ' what about the kids in
the parking lot? Wouldn't the police have seen that they were there - or
that they weren'tv Derek stared at the sandpaper for a second, then
tossed it aside. ''re talking local cops here. You have to remember
that. We're not talking big-city cops or FBI or private investigators.

We're talking guys who don't have a hell of a lot of experience dealing
with murder. I don't doubt that for some of them it was the first dead
body they'd seen.' He gnawed on the inside of his mouth. He drew one
knee up, set his forearm on it, let his hand dangle. only it didn't
dangle loosely. Tension prevented that. ' they didn't look around@ a
hell of a lot/ he went on. ' had a body. They had a guy with a gun -
a guy who admitted to the shooting. What more did they need? When David
questioned them on the stand about whether they'd seen that third car,
they said they hadn't looked. Maybe someone got to them, too, but I
doubt it. Greer was concentrating on the guys higher up, the ones who
would see I went to prison.' Sabrina touched the scar by his eye. '
Greer responsible for this?' '.' 321 Her fingers moved to his
neck. ' this?' ' likely.' --Men he was hoping you wouldn't leave
prison alive., Closing his fingers around hers, Derek brought them to
the warm spot at his throat where his pulse throbbed. ' I fooled1m,
didn't IV With a groan, Sabrina leaned closer. She pressed her face to
his neck and breathed deeply of the honest male scent that was his and
his alone. She slid an arm around Ins body and, when he kissed her, she
told him how glad she was that he'd been so clever. She slid a second
arm around him when he eased her back to the floor; and, arching to his,
her body repeated the message. Sabrina was forever amazed by the passion
Derek roused in her. She'd lost track of the number of times they'd made
love - not that the number counted, but the hunger behind it was very
new to her. Needing to be with him, near him, touching him was an
awakening. And she wasn't alone in her need. Derek felt it, too. He told
her that he was a plant and she his sun, and that without her held die,
and they laughed at the imagery; but when they were in each other's arms
that laughter was soft and gentle, maybe a little busky- As it was this
day. They kissed slowly, languorously. They touched each other in those
special places they'd learned were the most sensitive. As they rolled
over on the floor, taking turns bearing each other's weight, Derek
suggested that they had a thing for barns. They both chuckled about
that, then kissed with their tongues; and when she'd taken her own back
into her mouth, Sabrina said that it had something to do- with 322
behavior, over which, prospect they chuckled The more he thought about
it, between feels and kisses, Derek decided that animal behavior had its
pluses. By the time held shared the insight with Sabrina, he was
removing her pants, and by the time he'd opened his own, she was waiting
to take him in. The next morning, they sat in the kitchen with their
legs entwined on the meeting-house bench that Sabrina had bought for the
front porch but that had been reappropriated until the captain's table
and chairs were refinished. Sabrina was wearing her long terry robe,
Derek a pair of sweatpants that matched the light gray of his eyes. The
dishes that had earlier held eggs and toast now lay stacked on the floor
nearby. Chin on her palm, Sabrina was deep in thought. The thought she
entertained wasn't a new one. It had come to her more than once since
the afternoon before, and she'd tried'to avoid it. But it had followed
her like a mosquito, buzzing, annoying. She needed to share the worry
with Derek. ' that mean he'll be after you now?' Derek looked up
from the morning paper. '?' '. Will he be after yow now that
you're out of prison?' ' hope not.'He returned to the paper. ''s
tried to kill you three times. Why should he suddenly give up?' '
he's bored.' '.' The paper rustled as he lowered it. ' don't think
he'll come after me because, A, he knows I suspect him; B, he knows
other people know I suspect him; and, C, he's reached the stage where he
has too much to lose. He's running for the US Senate.' 323 , know.,
"It'd be another feather in his cap. He wants it bad. The slightest hint
of a scandal could ruin it all. I doubt he'd risk that.' Sabrina studied
Derek's face. It was fully composed, but his eyes were darker now, his
features set in stone. ''re not going to let him win, are you? I With
deliberate slowness, Derek shook his head. She hugged her knees to her
chest and rocked slowly back and forth. ''re going after the files!

With deliberate slowness, Derek nodded. ''t do it/ she whispered.

"Let it be.' ' can't. The man took two years of my life, not to mention
that many more in mental anguish.' Sut it's over. You're out. You can
start again.' ' said than done, and, damn it, I shouldn't have to
start again. I worked too hard to build what I had. Noel Greer knocked
it down with a deliberate sweep of his hand, and he's going to pay for
that.' ''ll only bring more trouble.' ' the way I've planned it!

"You could end up dead.' We all end up dead, Sabrina.' Her eyes
continued to plead while she held up a hand. ' me write it. just
write it. You can tell your story to the world.' ' story?' ' one
you've been telling me., ''s no story. It's my supposition, and it
isn't worth shit without proof. I can't go public with accusations about
a man like Noel Greer without evidence to back them up. No one would
publish a book like that. I would be a sure target for a libel suit! As
a writer, Sabrina. could easily see his point. As 324 _Ae woman who
loved him, she was less easily swayed. ;-"qvhat exactly, do you plan to
do? she asked quietly. ' those files.' '?' ' they
are, and don't ask me where that is, because I don't know. They were
Lloyd Ballantine's files, and there has to be a clue to them somewhere
in his life. I'll use your research as a starting point and go on from
there. If Ballantine was corruptible, it had to be because he had a
weakness. Greer found it and used, it. I have to learn what it is if I
want to locate those files-1 ' when you do?' Derek held her gaze with
one that was formidable. ' you write, but not a book. That would
take too long, and if my hunch is correct, what we find will be hot
news. Noel Greer can go ahead and campaign for the Senate, but when my
find hits the newsstands, his campaign will be shot. And that's what I
want, Sabrina.' His tone was low and vengeful. ' want him ruined.' His
words seemed to echo in the air, tapering gradually to a thundering
silence. Sabrina didn't move, other than to swallow hard once. ' you
okay?'he asked cautiously. She nodded. When he talked about Greer, Derek
lost himself to ,@,,his anger, but Sabrina's pale face and worried eyes
led him back. He needed to know where he stood. ' you think I'm wrong?

"No.' ' don't sound sure.' /I am. 1 ' hear skepticism.' '. Maybe
sadness.' 325 Derek's brows lowered. He tugged at a rip in the knee of
his sweatpants. ' for me? Or for you? Tor US. '?' ' was
hoping ... wishing ... we could be happy for a while.' ' can be."
"But there's that shadow. There's where you've been - His eyes shot to
hers, suddenly hard and probing. 11 thought you didn't mind that. I
thought you accepted the fact that I've done time., ' do. But
everything that's happened to you is so real that it's almost unreal,
and that frightens me. I listen to you and watch you and I'm frightened.

I can forget that you've been in prison, but you can't.' ' right I
can't/ he said with a vehemence that made her point. She tried to see it
from his side, but it was hard when she loved him so much. Sh@ wanted
him safe. She wanted them together and happy. ' isn't fair. It
should be over.' ' isn't fair is that it happened in the ffiurst
place.' ' won't be happy until you get your revenge., '. I
won't be satisfled until I get my revenge. I can be very happy in the
meantime. I He was facing her on the bench; his position hadn't changed,
but there was an alertness to his body, a caution to his expression that
hadn't been there earlier. ' do you think, Sabrina? Can you handle
it? Can you handle being with me, knowing what I've got to do? `1 don't
have a choice.@ ' do. I'm giving you one. If it's going to be too
rough, I can leave. I can go back to New York. You 326 It deserve this.

I've known it since the first time you came to Parkersville, and it's
still true. You've had @enough to five with in the last three and a half
years. You're just beginning to emerge from that other nightmare. Maybe
my being here is the last thing you need.' , the first. I He barely
heard her soft rejoinder, so intent was he on baring his concern. '
wrote that you wanted to be alone. That you needed to be alone. You
wanted to find out who you were and whereyou were going. I haven't given
you much time for that.' . , ' of the first things I learned when I
moved up here was that I didn't want to be alone.' You were just
lonesome. The shock of leaving the city., ' was more than that. Once
the novelty of having the ultimate freedom to do what I wanted when I
wanted wore off, I realized that I missed having some- ... one to be
with.' ' thought you'd met people up here.' ' have. They're really
nice. But it's not the same.' ' same as what?' '.' Derek
felt a familiar tightness gather in his throat because he knew exactly
what she meant, only he -hadn't realized it until then. She had put the
word to a feeling he'd been blindly reaching for since the very .
time they'd met. Unsure of his silence, Sabrina hurried on in her own
defense. ''s a strength. Two months ago I didn't know that. I thought
that if you weren't able to live alone . was something wrong with
you, some deficiency.' She took a quick breath. ' I am able to Jive
alone. I guess I did prove that to myself . I got everything settled in
New York and moved up here, 327 and functionally I was doing just fine.

But then it became a matter of choice. Personal preference. I like
sharing. I like doing for other people. I like having other people do
for me once in a while. In a nutshell, I'm able to live alone, but I
don't choose it.' Derek studied the earnestness of her expression. There
was something so serious about her that he couldn't resist teasing.

"Then anyone would do?' ' ' a roommate.' For several minutes
she stared at him. Then the comer of her mouth twitched in the
beginnings of a chiding smile. ', anyone would not do. I'm very fussy
about roommates.' Reaching forward, she drove a handful of fingers into
his hair. ' want someone with dark hair, for instance. I like dark
hair.' ' like blond hair.' "Then there's no problem. And shoulders. I
Her hand fell to glide over the skin in question. It was firm,
buttressed by muscle. ' like strong'shoulders. I noticed that about you
from the first. Your shoulders hold a lot.' Her gaze slid lower. '
your chest. A roommate of mine has to have a chest like this.' Her free
hand had joined its fellow in touching him. She was really getting into
the game. ' skin, just enough hair, needs a little filling out
around here' - she patted his ribs - but I'm working on that., ''re
working on itv ' YOU. I ' like I'm doing my share of the
cooking.' ',' she said in a animous sigh. '
requirement in a roommate of mine. just and fair division of labor."
"You could have hired a dark-haired maid and paid her to do it all.' 328
But Sabrina was shaking her head. ' woman wouldn't have the right
equipment.' Her palms were flat on his abdomen, fingers dipping under
the waistband of his sweatpants. Her fingertips brushed the more curly
hair that she couldn't quite see. Derek was beginning to labor at
breathing. ' fiffing out there/he managed but hoarsely. Her hands
slid lower. ' you are/ she observed in a siren-soft voice. He pressed
his fists to the wooden bench on either side of his hips. While one part
of him ached to grab Sabrina and drag her over him, the other part
didn't want anything to disturb what she was doing. She knew just how to
touch him. She knew the movement, the pressure, the little tricks that
set him on fire. He'd taught her some of it himself; the rest she'd
learned through adventure and instinct. Muscles quivering at the
restraint he imposed on himself, he gave a quiet moan, then murmured
thickly, ' do it to me every time, Sabrina. I haven't been this
miserable since I was a kid. It's like being bom again. She chuckled, a
throaty, sensual chuckle that turned him on even more. ' quite the
way the Jesus freaks would put it., ' the Jesus freaks.' '/ she
whispered, looking up at him with eyes that were green and hungry, don't
waste it on them. I want it.' He'sucked in a harsh breath and covered
her hands with his own to still their movement. Then, sliding his arms
under her, he scooped her up and strode from the kitchen through the
hall and the living room into the master suite. 329 The bed was a tangle
of sheets, but that was irrelevant. -What mattered to Derek was laying
Sabrina down, opening her robe and devouring her nakedness with his eyes
while he divested himself of his sweatpants. He was fully aroused when
he lowered himself to her heat. She framed his face with her hands and
made him look at her in those last lucid moments. ' is why just any
roommate wouldn't do. You set me on fire, Derek. I've only had one other
lover, and he never turned me on this way.' ' you'll let me stay? I
Derek whispered. Her smile grew silky as he slowly entered her. ''ll
let you stay.' ''s not just sex, is it?' he asked. He was standing in
the bathroom later that day watching Sabrina dry her hair. Her body was
bound in a large terry towel that matched the one swathing his hips. '
course it's sex.' Her teasing gaze slid over his chest and belly to the
faint bulge below. ' are very well endowed.' '.' ''m
serious.' She pressed her lips together for a minute, then ventured with
a glint in her eye, Vellhung - isn't that the expression?' ,!,
"Hmm?' For the space of several breaths. he said nothing. Then he tipped
his head just the slightest bit and asked with just the slightest
unsureness, ' you really think so ... uh, like it ... notice things
like thatv ' I do/ she said, then added more quietly, but it's not
just sex and you know it.' She flipped on the dryer and resumed work on
her hair. 330 `1 want to stay.' r1.1mrn? P He raised his voice to make
himself heard over the dryer's hum. 11 do want to stay. I like it here.,
Sabrina kept at her hair because it was the most casual thing to do. She
felt far from casual inside. Each of Derek's words counted toward a
dream. ''s not too quiet for you?' '? After what I've lived
through for two years?' ' was thinking of your life before that. You
were used to things happening. Not much happens up here on a day-to-day
basis.' "That's a matter of opinion. Since I've been here I've seen sun,
clouds, rain and snow.' The last was falling outside the window just
then, but it was a wet snow that promised to revert to rain before long.

"And as for my life before, it was a rat race - a blur of airline
flights and interviews and screerungs and red tape. I'm not sure I could
handle that right now even if I wanted to. I need this, Sabrina. I need
to be here with you., She did turn off the dryer then. ' you tell me
when you get tired of it? ', or if ?' '. Both.' ' if I
never do? ' I'll know it, because you'll be content. That's what I
want, Derek. I want you to be content. If you are, I arn.' He lowered
his head and arched a brow her way. ''s a heavy load. Your happiness
shouldn't be dependent on mine.' ' not. But if you stay here, it
will be. That's what love is about., Leaning forward, he caught her lips
in a soft kiss that lingered. in time, though, he drew back. His eyes
331 held their familiar shadow. ' you accept that I have to go after
those ffies?' ''m working on it.' ' you help me? I ' if I can't
convince you to change your mind. 1you canit.1 She dropped her gaze to
the dryer - which at that moment resembled the nozzle of a gun - and
thought about the possible danger. Then she looked back at Derek and
thought about the alternative. Frustration and helplessness could eat a
person alive. She knew. When it came to Nicky, there had been nothing
she could do. But possibly, just possibly, Derek could vindicate
himself. If the choice was between a haunted Derek and one who had found
peace of mind, there was no choice at all. ''ll help/ she said. Only
with the breath he released did Derek realize how much he'd wanted her
help 7 and how unsure of it he'd been. it was a form of commitment. He
needed that commitment. Wrapping his arms around her, he drew her
against his tall frame. ' you/ he whispered. ' do we start?"
"After the first of the year. After Greer declares his candidacy. He may
be the one running, Sabrina, but in the end it'll be our victory."
Sabrina could only pray that he was right. ''s living there? With
you?' '-huh.' '.' The deep and disapproving voice of her father
bellowed through the telephone, ' in the blazes are you doing?' 332
"Right now?'-Purposely misinterpreting his ques- tion, she held the
telephone cord aside and twisted to eye the crowded kitchen counter.

"Making pumpkin pies. ' in the blazes are you doing with Mcgi. U?,
"Mmm, do you really want to know@l she asked a little too softly.

Gebhart Monroe countered with a boom. ' you actually invite him
there? Had she invited him there? She'd never issued a formal
invitation, but the offer had been between the lines of every letter
she'd written. ', I think I did.' ' why?' ' not? I'm not
married anymore. I'm not tied to another man. Nor am I a
twenty-one-year-old virgin.' Gebhart was silent for just a minute,
obviously gathering his composure. In some ways he was remarkably
old-fashioned. Sex and his only daughter was one of them. Rather than
link the two - or acknowledge that there was or ever had been any
relationship between the two - he steered away from the subject. '
isn't the issue here, Sabrina. The issue is the man himself. He's come
fresh from prison., ' know that/ she said more seriously. She was
grateful her father had chosen to call while Derek was out running.

"Does it make you uneasy?, '.' ' killed a man., ' self-defense.,
"He's spent the last two years of his life in the pompany of the world's
lowlife., ' no choice of his own., ' he's done it. And now
he's with you. I'm worried, Sabrina.' 333 ''m a big girl, Dad.' '
doesn't make you any less vulnerable.' ' does. It makes me a better
judge of character than I was five or ten years ago. Believe me, I am in
no danger from Derek. If anythin& the reverse is true. I'm safer with
him here. He's stron& more than capable of protecting me. You were
worried about my being alone. You should feel relieved.' ' any
other man but Mcgill and I might be.' Sabrina was feeling discouraged -
and she hadn't even gotten to the part about telling her father she was
in love with Derek. ' don't know him, Dad ... Then again/ she said
with sudden inspiration, ' you do. Derek isn't all that different
from Bart Slocum, your hero in Lone '. Bart killed a man -
several, actually - but still he was a worthy hero. He killed only when
he had no alternative, and he agonized over it even when the victim was
the lowest of the low.' She was rather proud of the analogy. ' did
time.' ' a jail. Very different from a modem penitentiary. Do you have
any idea what hellholes those are? Yes, I suppose you do, since J.B.

says you visited Mcgill several times. But, please God, to bring that
into your horne?' ' I recall, your jail in Lone Rider had rats and
snakes and a man with something resembling leprosy. But moving beyond
that, when Bart was released, he returned to his girlfriend. Did he beat
her? Rape her? Spit on her? He certainly did not. He, treated her like
11precious porcelain" - I think that was the phrase you used - and he
went on to save her life.' ' only reason he had to save her life/
Gebhart argued, ' that the villain was after him but shot her by
mistake. I'm telling you, if I'd been her father - 334 than the guy who
wrote the, book - I'd have n mighty upset., ' on, Dad, you can't
condemn Derek simply because of time spent behind bars.' But Gebhart was
firm. ' can condemn anyone who threatens my daughter's well-being.,
"He's not threatening - ' with your mother.' '/ Amanda came
on the line. ' father's right. It's one thing to write a book about
the man, quite another to live with him. Is that really necessary?"
Sabrina felt a headache coming on. Her parents' objections to Derek were
another indictment to add to the list. It seemed that in their eyes she
could do no right But she refused to cower. ', it's necessary.' '
I ask why?' S ' I love him. That brought a heavy silence,
following by a quiet, ''re just saying that for effect, I hope.' '.

It's the truth.' ' Lord, Sabrina/ Amanda wailed in an unearthly sort
of way, ' did I do wrong? First Nicholas Stone. U-Now Derek Mcgill.

I know that your father and I O..luven't had the most traditional of
marriages - '. has nothing to do with you and Dad.' ' did I do
wrong?' ', Mom. Nothing at all. just the opposite, in ou hct. Y
and Dad are in love. You've always been in t1we, in spite of the
unconventional way you live. OU ve s tayed together against the odds.

Maybe you've ,:'Al"ibeen an inspiration.' Amanda's ' Lord!' suggested
that she was any- but pleased with thethought, so Sabrina went 335 '
don't know Derek. How can you condenmmn hiarr ''m imagining what he'll
do to your life. Do you honestly think that heis emerged from prison
stigmafree? I don't see him working. I haven't read anything in the
papers about his being snatched up by one of the networks. There's a
reason, for that, Sabrina. He evokes negative reactions. He was in. a
position of power and visibility, and he abused it.' ' acted in
self-defense! If he hadn't, held have been killed!' ' shot that man."
"There was a struggle. It was the other man's gun.' '. But do you
hear yourself? You're defending him. You're bound to defend him. Is that
what you want to spend your future doing? Because you'll have to. If
Derek Mcgill lives with you, people are going to ask questions. You'll
be as much of a social outcast as he is.' ' know, you're as bad as
Dad. Talk about hypocrisy.' ' what way have either your father or I
been hypocritical?'Amanda asked indignantly.. ' books, Mom.

Consider Quist. He's great, by the way, but if ever there was the hero
as outcast, Quist is it. He's different from the other Dusalonians,
different in looks, acts and desires. He broke the rules of the High
Command. He alienated the Elite. He lived among the Snaleks for months -
talk about lowlife. And still he found his way back, and with the
daughter of one of the premier members of the Elite, no less. If Quist
could succeed, why not Derek?' ' is fictitious., ' fiction is
largely nothing more than -wishful thinking. So why can't you look for
the positive in 336 k? Why can't you try to make Quist's success Dusalon
is a far cry from Earth. People here me iudgmental.' '., ' they are
on Dusalon.' I control what happens on Dusalon. I don't have 10016-
power here, and that's the difference. When ed, I won't be able to
help.' re shunn Sabrina murmured under her breath. ' VW, this is
absurd.' She raised her voice. ' since hm are you - the ultimate
nonconformist so emed about what other people think?' I'm
concerned about you, your future, your career. t is it that you want in
life, Sabrina?' want a home and a family/ Sabrina blurted sively. land
you honestly think Derek Mcgill can give you '/ I haven't
planned that far ahead. Things been pretty spontaneous where Derek is
cemed.' igning yourself with a man like him isn't the best to make
friends and influence people.' Putting in that place was bad, enough.

This won't brina felt the sting of her mother's words. She had Vork
harder to keep her voice low and controlled. yone criticizes me for
placing Nicky at the Green- ...'..'se, he does so out of ignorance. But
since you t it up, look at it this way. If my putting Nicky that place"

was so bad, people will already have to expect the worst from me, so I
won't be sing anyone by taking up with Derek.' finality in her tone was
not to be missed. sighed. ' can't change your mind?' 337 ' Derek?

No.' q4ow about coming out here for Thanksgiving?' Thanksgiving is
tomorrow. I can't get tickets at this late date.' ' father could
puff some strings.' Oh, yes. He could pull some strings. For one
roundtrip ticket. She could have Thanksgiving dinner with her parents,
leaving behind her son and the man she loved. Thanks/ Sabrina said more
sadly, ' no. Not this year./ Derek awoke late on Thanksgiving morning
to find himself alone in Sabrina's big brass bed. He wasn't surprised. A
glance at the bedside clock told him that it was nearly eleven-thirty,
and he knew that the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen couldn't
possibly have been produced if Sabrina had been as lazy as he. He should
get up, he told himself. He should give her a hand. But she'd refused
his offers the night before, and specifically told him to sleep late.

This was the first Thanksgiving dinner she'd ever made, she said, and
held gotten the impression that there was a good deal of pride involved
in the undertaking. If the smells emanating from the kitchen'were any
measure, she had ust reason for, pride. Stzed turkcy. Sweet potato
casserole. Baked apples. He breat ' it all in, gave a slow, leonine
stretch, then sank back into the sheets and smiled. This was home with a
capital H. This was what he'd missed all those years. This was what he
wanted in life, this sense of, yes, belonging. He wanted Sabrina. He
wanted a family. And he wanted them right here in Vermont, where the
grass was green, the trees lush, the air crisp and clean on cool fall
(lays. 338 ed da sudden urge to be his help or not - he swung up from
the bed with Sabrina - whether reached for the corduroy jeans he'd left
lying over arm of the chair the night before. Held barely them on when
he was paddling barefoot from ,. fire in the living-room hearth was
little more a glow. He paused to add a log before continuing the
kitchen. the threshold, he stopped. Sabrina wasn't He turned back for an
instant, wondering if Id, passed her in the bathroom, but he hadn't heard
footsteps or the close of a door while he'd lain i the only sounds in
the farmhouse were the C of the growing fire and the sizzle of the
turkey the oven. e'd left the coffeepot on, though, and propped t a
nearby mug was a note. ' gone out to er some pies/ she'd written in
the gentle script he so well. ' be back by one. There's a bowl of
-,.UP fruit in the refrigerator. Help yourself to that -:to coffee, but
don't cut into the apricot bread, it's I love you. Sabrina.' Tacked on
at the bottom .4 more hastily written ')y Thanksgiving.' he raised
the note to his lips, kissed it then set it on the counter and filled
the mug coffee. Sipping it slowly, he pondered Sabrina's Have gone out
to deliver some pies. Where, he ered? She hadn't mentioned anything
about it the before, though he supposed he should have that she was
baking far more than the two of could possibly eat. How many pies had
she 2 Three? Four? He wasn't sure. Once she'd him from the kitchen, he'd
been engrossed in 339

Wandering into the living room, he stood before the w .. It was a
gray day, gray in a way that spoke of winter's approach. in past years
that would have depressed him. Winter in prison had meant fluctuations
between rooms that were overheated and those that were drafty, and less
yard time all around. Before that, winter had meant the kind of
temperamental weather that could screw up a production schedule in no
time flat. Winter here would be different, he knew. It would be
snowbound days and snow-silent nights, wood smoke and hot chocolate and
the warmth of a handsewn quilt. And Sabrina. Sabrina brought thoughts
that were gentle and exciting. He basked in them while he finished his
coffee, then headed for the shower. A short time later he was back
before the fire wearing a clean pair of cords, a shirt, sweater and
loafers. He was freshly shaved and his still-damp hair was combed. He
looked pretty good, he had to admit. So where was Sabrina? Several
minutes before one, he heard her car. jumping from the chair, he started
for the window, wavered, turned back toward the chair, stopped. Then,
taking a deep breath to steady his pulse, he carefully paced his
approach to the kitchen. He entered it just as Sabrina was co i in from
outside. She loook up in surprise, then smiled. '! Sleep well?"
Head tucked low again, she turned her back to close the door. 11 missed
you/ he said. Crossing the floor, he took the coat from her shoulders.

it was her cashmere coat, the same one she'd worn that first day at
Parkersville the February before. Beneath it she wore a long wool skirt,
a sweater and boots. The bulk of the sweater 340 0@ her look more
fragile than ever and heightened %urge to protect her. ' was the
driving?' ',Not bad.' She opened the oven to check the turkey. roads
were deserted.' @,,-Ife watched her tug at the drumstick. ' smells
stic., you have some fruit?, ah. Thought I'd wait for you.' the oven
door, she darted him a fast glance way to the refrigerator. ' must be
starved.' e turkey shouldn't be much longer. I didn't have ometer -
stupid of me, it's the only thing I but the book says that the bird's
done when moves freely, and it just about does.' was piling the counter
with plastic baggies filled the various fresh vegetables that she'd
earlier and cut. Her voice was higher than usual, the co ing more
quickly, and she wouldn't look at
"Acyond a fleeting glance here and
there. one of those glances, Derek had seen that her , unnaturally
bright. her coat over the arm of the meetinghouse he asked softly, '
can I do?' she was already reaching for a plate and handed it over -
'you can put the vegetables 4 take care of the dip.' as instructed -
though, he feared, with far an artistic eye that she'd have had herself.

In his concern wasn't with the vegetables. It was a. She was looking
somber. ' you 1 s of wine?' he asked. roke into a sudden smile when
she looked at said, ''d be nice/ but the smile faded in 341 the next
instant when she went back to prepanng the dip. Derek draped an arm
around her shoulders. '.' She stopped what she was doing.

"There's no rush on the food., She bowed her head. ' was he?' She
ducked her head lower. By now, Derek knew the telltale signs - the
slight hunching of her shoulders, their faint tremor, her refusal to
look at him. Wrapping her completely in his arms, he hugged her while
she cried softly. At length, stroking her hair, he said, ' wish You'd
let me come.' ''s so painful to see/she whispered on a fragmented
breath. ' shouldn't have to go alone., ''s my son. My
responsibility. I ' I love you. I want it to be my responsibility,
too.1 ' don't know what you're saying.' ' do.' He held her back and
bent his head until it was level with hers. His eyes were filled with
the urgency that gave his voice a desperate edge. ' me, Sabrina. I
know it's unfair of me to ask when you're feeling down, but I can't help
it. I was sitting here before, waiting for you to come home, and I
realized that if I didn't have that to look forward, to, rd be lost. You
mean more to me than any other person has ever meant. It's a little
humbling to think that I'm not as self-contained as I prided myself on
being, but where you're concerned, I'm not. I've never felt. this way
before. I've never loved a woman before. I've never asked one to marry
me, and if you think it doesn't scare me shitless, you're wrong.' 342
:eyes ' moist pools the color of limes He them firmly with his own.

"I have no right to. ask I'm unemployed and my prospects of work are y
right now, and there's the thing with Greer that n't thrill you at all,
but I'll make it work, I came from nothing once before, and I reached
top. I can do it again. I'll make it all work, so help God, I will., w t
quiet, and for several minutes their eyes en locked in a volley of
silent questions. Is a crazy idea/ Sabrina whispered. t me do it. Let me
fill the void. I want to take Of you., That'll be a challenge. I'm a
wreck.' y worse than me?' e grinned through her tears. ' are a pair."
The faded. ''ve failed at one marriage already.' t one fell apart when
the going got tough. This would be starting with tough and doing just
fine. , seen each other at our worst and the tionship has grown
in spite of it. There's nothing .'He paused. ' do you say?' thought
about it for a minute. ' parents will S.1 you care?' ugh to say no?"
took her face in his hands.. ' love you.' too.' we can make it?"
nodded.- you'll marry me?' she nodded, this time more vigorously. She
know if she was right. She was acting on 343 instinct. She did know that
she adored Derek, that she wanted to be with him always, and that maybe,
just maybe, her being his wife would make the difference in his plans
for revenge.

Chapter 14.

brina and Derek were married on the third of
mber in the office of a justice of the peace. That t they celebrated
over dinner at the Hanover inn, they ate alone. They had made no mention
of their to family or friends, preferring to keep it vate and personal.

It wasn't that they weren't in anyone looking at them could see that
they were. each had doubts about the wisdom of their marryat that
particular time, and neither felt they wanted doubts confirmed by a
third party, or a fourth or ee to do something for the sheer
frivolity of it, y flew to St. Croix. It was there that Sabrina learned
@,what extent her husband was an adventurer. He sailing, waterskiing and
windsurfin& but scuba was what truly caught his fancy. Held never it
before. Neither had Sabrina, for that matter, '-',,.in no time she was
in'all the appropriate gear Derek and their trained guide through
speccoral canyons in the sun-warmed Caribbean hindsight, Sabrina
realized that scuba divin& requiring a fair amount of guts, was still
relaconventional. Less conventional, and more ive, were some of the
other things Derek did - in with the native dancers during a beach
spending an afternoon in a broad hat and bright subbing for a vendor at
a thong shop, and awak- 345 ening Sabrina in the middle of the night,
carrying her in his irms to the beach and making love to her in the
moonlight. ' can't do this, Derek!' she whispered loudly as he pressed
her down to the sand. The only answer he gave was to bunch her nightgown
to her waist. ', it's a public beach!' He lifted his hips to free
himself from his shorts. His grin gleamed in the moonlight. ''s three
in the mom- ing. Wew alone.' ' is indecent - ahhhh, Derek - mmmrn."
He withdrew, then filled her again. ' good?' he asked, his voice
thick with sensual satisfaction. She raised her knees to his hips and
met his thrust. '. ' at it this way.' He took a quick breath,
then a th when the first didn't last long enough to n przuecre a
single word. ' chancing upon us will see something beautiful."
Later, when she could think clearly again, Sabrina saw the truth to
that. Of course, no one had chanced upon them, so it was fine to be
philosophical. But when she was with Derek she felt bold. In fact, what
surprised her most was not so much Derek's unorthodoxy but the fact that
she loved it. Six months before, she'd have said that the ideal vacation
consisted of lying in the sun, reading book after book beneath the the
to the lushn shade of _palms and returning ess of a
luxury hotel to eat and sleep. That all sounded rather ' tame to
her now. Derek had awakened far more than her sensuality. Defiance was
one word to describe what she felt. Derek and she deserved to have fun.

They'd both paid more than their share of dues in the past few years,
and she knew that the dues-paying wasn't quite done. 346 gone against
the grain, she as a mother, he as -@@investigative reporter, and their
marriage was sure raise a few eyebrows. But whatever they'd done, done
out of conviction. so she told herself during those halcyon days in
Isun. And so she told herself when, after ten days, returned to Vermont.

say that their life then fell into a pattern was to t the truth. The
patterd was a non-pattem. and Derek followed no schedule, simply each
other from day to day, enjoyed the peace e farmhouse, enjoyed late
nights before the fire, mornings in bed, long walks over the newly
fallen They were lovers playing hooky from the Of life, and as long as
those realities kept their e, it worked. ately, the distance began to
diminish as the' and the telephone rang with increasing ty. Sabrina's
parents were less than ecstatic her marriage. Derek's agent wasnt as
concerned the marriage as about Derek's settling in Verseveral of
Derek's old friends and coworkers, been recruited by his agent to change
his mind, trying to do just that - tono avail. Maura called to know when
she would have a book proposal r to Sabrina's editor. And the Greenhouse
"saymg, that Nicky really did need to be taken his doctors in New York
for tests. wouldn't hear of Sabrina's going alone, and was more relieved
than she could say. Travel- Nicky was difficult at best. Having Derek
lending physical and emotional support, two days a bit more bearable.

was humbled by the experience. He'd heard's descriptions of life with
Nicky, but he hadn't 347 been able to fully comprehend the nature of the
demands until he'd had to meet them himself. No amount of special
feelings - and he had plenty of those for the child - could blunt the
fact that when one took care of Nicky, one had time for precious little
else in life. ' am in awe of you/ he told Sabrina during their drive
back north. ' incredible patience you must have had all those months,
-the physical strength alone to continue.' . ' did my share of
crumbling/ she said softly. Nicky was lying against her, asleep. Her own
eyes were closed, her cheek resting on his baby-soft hair. ' my
ex-husband. He'll tell you how wonderful I was.' ' never calls, does
he?' '.' ''d think he'd want to know about his son. Will you tel'I
him about this visit?' She shook her head. ' few more seizures, a few
more pills. He won't be interesfied. No, that's wrong. It's not a matter
of interest. He just can't cope with the idea of his son being flawed
like this.' Derek took his eyes from the road to dart intermittent
glances her way. While her words might have easily been bitter, they
weren't. Indeed, there was a serenity to her - the same serenity he
remembered from the first time he'd seen her. She'd been holding Nicky
then, too. She was a natural mother. In spite of the fatigue she felt,
Sabrina had a difficult time saying good-bye to Nicky at the Greenhouse
door. Derek could understand that. He'd had a glimpse of Nicky's smile
the night before. He'd felt the tear in his heart, and Nicky wasn't even
his. During the drive back to the farmhouse, Derek held Sabrina close to
his side. She was quiet through most 348 of the ride, but she didn't
seem strung as tightly as she'd been when she'd returned after seeing
Nicky -on Thanksgiving day. He wanted to think that his presence made
the difference. When he turned off on the road to the farmhouse, though,
he had a moment's sharp fear that his presence was going to make another
kind of difference. ' have guests., Sabrina, too, was peering through
the windshield. ,,The light snow that had been falling for the past
several hours didn't come close to covering the sleek gray Jaguar that
stood by the house. ' it?' Derek asked. Held stopped a distance
away and was approaching cautiously. '.' She wouldn't have been
concerned, had it not en for the tension in his voice. ' about you?

He gave a short shake of his head. ' car like that , be hard to
forget. ' burglar would be driving a Jaguar. But a big shot from New
York would, Derek thought..-T-hen he got close enough to decipher
Vermont plates the snow. ' of the transplants you've met?' She shook
her head. He eased the car slower. ''s arental.' -didn't know you
could rent Jaguars.' '@'You can rent just about anything if you have the
u @,-She shot an alarmed glance at the house. ', I it's not my
parents.' Are they good at picking locks? I wouldn't put it past my
dad.' She sat back in her t and remained there even when Derek brought
the to a complete halt. @Someone's made himself at home. I can smell a
fire 349 Sabrina didn't budge. Gtasping the handle of the door, he
looked at her. '?' ', this could be very unpleasant.' '
it's your parents, you rnean?' She gave an apologetic nod. '
still,' he said, pushing, himself from the seat, istay put., it occurred
to him that he'd like to see for himself who was in the farmhouse before
Sabrina approached it. Though he suspected that his car had already been
heard, he closed the door very quietly. Then, keeping low, he loped
toward the house, flattened himself against the clapboard, peered around
the window frame. A minute later he was back leaning into the car. '
guy. Long and lean. Blond hair. Wire-rimmed specs.' Sabrina closed her
eyes. ''s wearing a pair of baggy overalls,' Derek went on. , ''s
he doing?' ''s sprawled in front of the fire, staring at the flames.,
She opened her eyes, muttered, ''s J. B., all right/ and climbed out
of the car. No sooner had Derek unlocked the front door when she burst
through, prepared to do battle. ' are you doing here, J. BY J.B.

looked up and stared at her for a long minute before turning his stare
on Derek. His expression was blank. Derek, who'd already heard enough
from Sabrina to be more than prepared for her brother, went forward and
offered his hand. -'Derek Mcgill/he said. Sitting up, 1. B. shook
Derek's hand, then wrapped his arms around his knees. 350 '. BY Sabrina
prodded. ' I'd visit.' fvvhyr J.B. Is stare was as vacant as
ever. It was joined by a noncommittal shrug. 11 wanted to meet your new
husband., ' and Dad sent you.' ' told me to come. I told them to
bug off. I came on my own.' Derek snickered at his irreverence and was
rewarded by a dirty look from Sabrina, who quickly refocused on her
brother. ' you're planning on making life miserable for us, you can
get back in that Jaguar and leave.' J. B.'s face split into a sudden
grin. ' car, isn't it? I've never driven one before.' He stopped
grinning. ''s a noreaster forecast. I think you're stuck with me
for a while.' She bowed her head and pressed the throbbing spot between
her eyes. Derek, who'd been standing to the side with one hand on his
hip, curved that hand around her neck and said very softly, ' to
take some aspirin and he down. for a while? It's been a long two days."
"She darted an unsure glance toward her brother. ''ll keep him company/
Derek assured her. ' it's me he's come to meet, we can spare you for a
while.' Sabrina knew she was being cowardly, but she didn't care. It had
been a long two days. She simply wasn't -UP to dealing With J.B. just
yet. With a look of gratitude - and luck - for Derek, she left the room.

Derek watched her go, then tucked his hands in the kets of his slacks
and turned to J.B. ' did you get here? ' few hours ago.' 351 '
did you get in?' ' upstairs was open. I climbed the oak and
dropped onto the overhang.' Derek thought about that for a minute. '
the snake did in Slither?' J.B. stared at him soundlessly for a time.

"Should I be impressed that you've read me, or dismayed that you
identify me with the snake?' '., J.B. didn't acknowledge that
one way or another. Derek wondered what he was thinking as he stared,
wondering if he was picturing him behind bars. That staring made Derek
uneasy. It was like his first day back in New York, when held felt that
he had every one of his sins and those of his father plastered across
his forehead. The past two days had been better, thank God. Between
Sabrina's loft and the hospital, he'd only met a few double takes. He
could get used to that, he supposed. But J.B. Monroe's endless stare?

Partly annoyed, partly stubborn himself, he stared right back. That
seemed to jar J.B. from his empty reverie. ''ve you two been?"
"New York. Nicky needed to have some tests done there.' ' is he?"
"He's been having more seizures. There's medication for it, but
otherwise ... I He shrugged.- J.B. crinkled his nose to hike up his
glasses. ' folks are having a real problem with this.' Vith Nicky?"
"With you. And Sabrina. And your marriage.' ' it's just as well that
they're on the West Coast.' 352 ''ll come East. They'll want to see
you for themselves., ', exactly, will they want to see? I've got
everything where it's supposed to be., ''ll want evidence that
you're as bad as they think.' Derek sniffed in a deep breath and looked
off toward the window. The snow was coming in great white clumps.

Pretty. Too pretty to sully. He shouldn't be faced with J.B. just now.

He didn't want the divisiveness in Sabrina's world. But it was there,
and it Was his to deal with. Why did they decide I was bad?' he asked
quietly. Tecause of the murder? The prison term? My lack of social
papers?' He blew out a snort. ', I'd have thought that being a
little eccentric themselves, they'd have been more liberal than that."
"They're more conventional than you'd think. And besides, Sabrina's
their baby.' ''s over thirty.' ' worry about her.' ' do I/
Derek said. He regarded his brother-in-law "through sober eyes. ' I
first met Sabrina, she was li@,:,Ured and tense, overworked and
underappreciated ... t Is has happened in her life since then that I
can't e any responsibility for, but I do know that since e's been with
me she's been better. She eats. She eeps. She smiles and laughs. She's
happy. I make her ppy. So how can your parents begrudge me?' "At this
point it's the marriage.' ', the marriage - same difference. Sabrina
and I dn't have to get married. We could have just lived ther. If
they're so conservative, they should be ed.' B. stared at him a minute
longer, then swiveled 353 toward the fireplace, grabbed the poker and
began to push'at the burning logs. When he had them rearranged to his
satisfaction, he withdrew the poker and studied its forked tip. ''s
nice up here.' Derek allowed him the momentary shift of subject mainly
because it. was so benign. ' said you'd been u p several times."
J.B. frowned at the poker. He turned it once, slowly, completely. '
do you write? Derek asked. ' few months. Intensively.' Recalling
what Sabrina had said about her family's workstyle, Derek believed him.

"You're between books now, I take it.' J.B. ran a finger along the tip
of the poker. ' was thinking of staying up here for a while. Setting
myself up somewhere to write.' fwhat about your daughters? When J.B.

looked up, his eyes held something vaguely akin to emotion. ' about
themv ' you're here, you won't see them much., ' don't see them much,
anyway. They don't like me.1 ' on. All kids like their parents."
"They love them. They may not like them. There's a difference.' Though
Derek hadn't thought about it quite that way before, he couldn't argue.

He'd despised his parents through most of his childhood, but still
there'd been a certain other feeling that held been unable to escape. He
supposed it was love, a blood-runs-thickerthan-water type of thing.

Perhaps that was one of the reasons - albeit a minor one - why he'd been
so angry about being set up for murder. His father had paid for 354 his
crimes both with his time and his life; it seemed unfair that mud should
be slung at his grave. J.B. was staring at him again, but the stare was
less vacant. ' you and Sabrina plan to have kids?, Something flared in
Derek. His first impulse was to tell J.B. that it was none of his
business. Then he paused to consider his own reaction and realized that
J.B. had hit a sore spot. ' don't know/ he answered cautiously. '
you want themv '.' ' she doesn't. She's afraid.' ' what
she's been through, I suppose she has a point.' ''s bullshit. She'd
be a terrific mother.' ' think so, too.' ' have kids.' ''s using
birth control, so I can't exactly trick her into it - even if I wanted
to, which I don't. She has to be willing to take the chance.' J.B. said
nothing. to that. He raised the poker, lowered it, raised it, lowered
it. ' you planning to hit me with that thing?' Derek asked. J.B.

looked up, seemmig surpnsed to find him still there.'Hmmm?' ' poker."
He -stepped forward to take a closer look, trying to discover what J.B.

found so intriguing. He'd used the poker himself. It was nothing
spectacular, just another heavy iron poker. ' you have plans for it?,
"No.' Then why were you studying it that way?' 1. B. seemed more puzzled
than affronted by Derek's bluntness. Vhy do you want to know?' 355 Derek
backed off. ' curious. I'm a trained inquisitor.',It was true, but
told only half the story. He sighed. ' if I understand what you're
doing, I won't think you're so strange. Frankly, you make me nervous."
Their eyes held. J.B. stared, but Derek stared right back. In the end,
J.B. was the one to look away. He lowered his head, pushed himself to
his feet and ambled toward the wing chair in the comer of the room.

"Should I leave? I he asked without turning. ' course not. You're
Sabrina's brother. You're welcome here.' ' you're her husband."
Slowly he turned. Vhat are your plans?' '?' ''t you going back
to work?' '.' '?' '.' '?' ' haven't quite
figured that out yet., There was a long pause before J.B. said, '
you're satisfied living off Sabrina for a while? I Derek's spine grew
very straight.' ' have never had, nor do I now have any intention of
living off Sabrina. If YOU think I married her for her money, think
again. With very little effort, I could probably buy her out.' '
socked it away? ' invested -it. ' be glad to hear that/ J.B.

said and slumped into the wing chair. He stretched out his legs. '
any plans for the bam? I Derek frowned at the non sequitur. J.B. cocked
his head toward the side of the house. ' ham. What are you going to
do with it? I 356 it as a garage, Derek answered, still frowning. '@@And
a workroom. I was thinking of insulating it. Y. 1 want a comer of it."
"For whatv ' office.' ''re going to write in the bam?', With the
tiniest shift of his eyebrow, J.B. indicated that he was. ''ll need a
Franklin stove, some lanterns @'tnd a typewriter. Think Sabrina will
mind?' ' don't know/ Derek said. ' suppose not.' Then realization
dawned. ' want to keep an eye on me, is that it? 11 want to write a
book.' Vhy here?' Secause I like it here.' ' long will it take?' J.

B. gave a one-shouldered shrug. ' months. Maybe three.' Derek lowered
his head and rubbed his neck. He and Sabrina were newlyweds. He wasn't
sure he liked the idea of having a chaperon. ' months, he muttered.

He rubbed his neck some more. ' me a little more space and Id have
an apartment in the bam. You wouldn't have to see me at all.' ',
two months is a long time.' ' to write a book.' ', but you could
make Sabrina miserable.' '?' J.B. asked with such innocence that
Derek scowled. ''s her decision/ he muttered. ' farmhouse, her bam,
her decision. I only pay the bills. You'll have to @sk her.' 357 Sabrina
couldn't say no. J.B. was her brother. He was a sad figure, very much
alone - a fact all the more obvious by contrast to the life she now
shared with Derek. When J.B. had visited before, they had been two
people alone. Now things were different. She could afford to be
generous. Not that she gave in without a fight. She made it clear that
Derek was no longer on trial, that she loved him, that he was staying.

She told J.B. that if he intended to sit and stare and offer nothing
more than the occasional, acerbic remark, he could just pack up and head
back west. And she informed him that he wasn't to create a horror tale
about her bam. She loved the bam, the farmhouse, the acreage surrounding
it. She found peace there. Not even under the guise of fiction did she
want that dis turbed. There was only one other condition she needed met
to let J.B. stay. Derek had to approve. when he did, she was actually
surprised. She knew he felt uneasy with her brother. But he, too, felt
badly for J.B. He, too, was in a mood to be generous. Christmas was
nearly there. J.B. was alone. And then, there was a tiny part of Derek
that needed to be with family, too. He had none of his own, just
Sabrina. He wondered what it would be like to broaden his family base
even more. Sabrina was still worried. She was prepared to find J. B."s
presence a problem, and she told Derek so. ''re worried, that I'll
find his presence a problem, so you're saying it first, I Derek was
perceptive enough to Point out, ' I'll tell you if it happens, hon.

I'll tell you if it bothers me., Surprisingly, J.B. didn't bother
either of them. Hmis presence was unobtrusive. Perhaps held taken
sabrina's warnings to heart. Perhaps he'd sensed that Derek 358 be
either friend or foe, depending on his own behavior. Whatever the case,
he took over the guest ., which was far enough from the master
suite ' afford Derek and Sabrina the privacy they wanted. But he did
plan to move into the bam, and to that end he accompanied Derek to the
building-supply house. I I ' done this before?' Derek murmured to J.

B. as . examined the various insulating materials. He -spoke under
his breath so as not to be heard by the salesman. B., who was frowning
behind his glasses, shook his head. '?' he whispered back. ; ,
qih-uh.' Derek gnawed on the inside of his mouth. His eye jumped across
the room to the wood paneling yet to be chosen. A little bewildered, he
returned to the insulation and mumbled to J. B., ' guy says this ,
the best.' @, 11 ' to be the most expensive/ J.B. mumbled ,'bback.

"Most expensive isn't always the best.' ''t you know it.' '
is/ Derek went on, talking now out of the -comer of his mouth, ' don't
know much else when it comes to this stuff.' There was nothing vacant
abbut J. B.'s stare. He was eyeing the insulation as though it were
truly alien. ' writer isn't supposed to know much else.' ' a
reporter. I flunked shop in high school.' ' too.' Ve need help."
"Professional advice.' ' carpenter.' Of one mind, they turned on their
heels and left the '. They hired a carpenter to advise them on
materials 359 and teach them all they didn't know, which was
considerable. Fortunately, they'd matured since their high school days.

Or maybe it was the motivation factor. Or determination. But they stuck
with it and began to see progress. Sabrina, who visited the barn often,
hearing hot drinks and sandwiches, felt as though she were watching a
trade-school class. When she dared say as much aloud, she was bombarded
with snowballs made of insulation remnants. Laughingly she retreated,
but she found herself smiling for a long while after. Turning the barn
into livable space was providing a common interest for Derek and J. B.,
and that pleased her. Derek was engrossed in the project enough not to
be thinking about Noel Greer. J.B. was engrossed enough not to be
staring off into space. Though communication between them was never
overwhelming, that was more because neither was an habitual talker than
because they couldn't get along. They did talk when so moved. They did
get along. And that gave Sabrina a kind of inner pleasure that she
hadn't expected. Sabrina spent Christmas morning with Nicky. She was
accompanied not only by Derek, but by J. B., which made things easier.

For the first time, she didn't dissolve into tears at the visit's end.

During the week that followed, while Derek and B. worked diligently on
the bam, Sabrina entertained Maura, who had popped in unexpectedly and
settled herself in one of the spare bedrooms. Her combination-"
housewarming-wedding gift to Sabrina was, quite fortunately, a futon,
which she proceeded to use as a bed in lieu of the floor. ' forbid J.

B. should share the four-poster/ she remarked, but playfully. Sabrina
knew why. 360 U, : never did get along. ''s an understatement.

He's a weirdo., ' are many who'd say the same about you/ Sabrina
teased. She tipped her head to study Maurals hair. ''ve gone darker
again.' Maura grinned. ''s working.' She'd already told Sabrina about
the new man in her life. He was, incredibly enough, the one who'd been
looking at her that day when she was at lunch with. Sabrina. She'd long
since learned that the tie tack had indeed held a diamond and that there
were more where they came from. Well aware that her friend had been
sketchy on such specifics as the man's name and occupation, Sabrina K'@
had decided that Maura was serious about him but was taking the cautious
approach. Sabrina didn't blame W her. in some ways, she was pleased by
Maurals caution. A, V! It s 0 h wed the maturity that Maura claimed to
aim at. At the moment, though, Maura was looking more @A 1: mischievous
than mature. Lowering her voice,, she leaned forward. It was all for
effect. She and Sabrina were alone in the second-floor solarium. There
was no way the men could overhear their conversation from the bam.

"Derek is gorgeous. You didn't tell me that.' I thought you knew. He
was' on TV for years.' ' yeah, I've seen him on TV, but, Christ, he's
even A better looking in the flesh.' She sat back on one of the
.,I large cushions that were strewn about the floor. ' obviously
didn't do him any harm in that-respect. He's aging nicely. Life up here
must be agreeing with him.' With several swallows of white wine already
under her belt, Sabrina was feeling mellow enough not to pick up on the
harm that prison had done Derek. instead, she finished slicing the
Cheddar cheese into small squares, passed one to Maura, popped one into
361 her own mouth. Then she too sat back. ' think so. We're very
happy.' ', I'm glad/ Maura said with comical relief. ' I have to
say that it amazes me.' '?' ' you can be happy up here in the
middle of nowhere.' ''m not in the middle of nowhere. There are other
people, and stores and inns and restaurants.' ', it ain't New
York.' '/ Sabrina conceded with a crooked grin. ' you were always
a city person. What happened?' ' to explain/ Sabrina answered,
momentarily looking confused. ''m not sure I would have been ready for
this five or ten years ago. Maybe I've grown into it. Maybe
circumstances made me ripe for it ... Then again/ she said, tapping a
Wheat Thin against her lip, ''ve only been here since September. Maybe
by this time next year I'll be starving for New York.' ' Derek? Think
he'll last up here? @ The Wheat Thin went into Sabrina's mouth. It
crunched between her teeth. She washed it down with her wine, thinking
all the while. It wasn't the first thought she'd given'the subject.

indeed, brooding nught be a more accurate description. ' don't know/
she. said finally. ' seems happy, but whether he'll get tired of all
this ...' Her words trailed off with a shrug- Maura didn't pick up on
her friend's concern, or if she did she chose not to pursue it. '
about work? Is he thinking of getting back into it? "Eventually.' '
into reporting?' ' think so.' @But how? Where., 362 sure he's figured
that out yet.' he"s not looking for something?' at the moment.' Yent is
.. She squinted with one eye. ', t I -huh., @t "is he talking
with people?' Tlm not sure. Originally he wanted Derek to do the -sho
circuit, but Derek refused, and he's stuck by ..,.@Ais refusal. Craig
calls here every so often, and I don't what he's saying; but from
Derek's end of the conversation I'd guess that Craig is champing at the
bit. Whether he's already lookin& though, or whether ,'s waiting for a
green light from Derek, I don't know. N' IT have a feeling it's a
combination of the two. Craig's looking, but he hasn't come up with
anything that appeals to. Derek; and since Derek won't settle for x6cond
best, he's prepared to wait it out.' "And in the meantime?' In the
meantime, he's on vacation.' Maura snorted. '? Doesn't look to
me like he's on vacation. Looks like he's changing professions.

1$ecoming a carpenter.' ' quite. What he's doing in the bam is for
fun. I mean there's a practical purpose to it, but it's strictly an
avocation.' She thought for a minute. ''s therapeutic. He needs it."
"Prison was rough? Maura asked, and was answered by a look that was
eloquent in its bluntness. She studied Sabrina for a minute, then placed
a Wheat Thin on her tongue and brought it into her mouth as though it
were a sacramental, wafer. ' I were in his shoes' she mused, ''d be
furious. I'd be wanting to lash out at everyone and everything I'd feel
used and abused. And I'd want revenge. But Derek seems calm. 363
Content. is that because of this place and your marnage, or has he
legitimately accepted what happened?, Sabrina didn't answer immediately.

She thought about the discrepancy between what she wanted to be true and
what, in fact, she knew to be true. ' think/ she said at last, '
the contentment you see is because of this place and our marriage. He
hasn't accepted what happened. I'm not sure he ever will. He was
deprived of two years of freedom. His name has been dirtied, his career
derailed. There are times'- she lowered her eyes and continued more
quietly -'when he's still very angry. Not often - at least I don't think
it's often - just from time to time. He tries not to let me see, but I
do. It's in his eyes, in his jaw and his hands and his shoulders.' Maura
was regarding her strangely. fyou sound defeated. I ' would have liked/
Sabrina admitted after a moment's consideration, ' our marriage - and
me - to have been enough. I keep asking myself what I can do to make it
so, but I don't have the answer.' She frowned at the bit of wine pooling
in the bottom of her glass. ' wanted to be successful at this, and to
some extent I guess I have been, but not completely., She looked back at
Maura. ' want him to forget the past. But he can't., . ' what's he
going to do about it? Sabrina wore a painful look on her face but said
nothing. ' are his plans? He won't just sit back and brood. I mean,
hell, I don't1now the man other than by reputation and the little time
I've spent with him here, but he doesn't strike me as the type to live
with that kind of anger forever. Seems to me he was a doer. 364 The
general consensus is that he had balls steel. Has he lost them? behalf
of her husband, Sabrina was offended by Is, statement. ' hasn't lost a
thing/ she said, are right ways and wrong ways to do things. can't just
walk out on the street and start accusations.' would he accuse? 4 very
long story.' shrugged and tossed her gaze around the it was empty except
for the pillows, the tray of and crackers, and the two friends. It was a
room -iless time and leisure. ''m game.' was initially reluctant. To
tell Derek's story be to betray his confidence. But as she looked at
off-the-wall Maura with her newly darkened . stylish disarray, her
canary-yellow tunic, royal- 4e tights and sea-green granny boots -
somethini! W came over her. Maura was her best friend and had so since
they were kids. Over the years they'd many intimacies. And as far as
this one Went, needed to get it out. it had been festering. 4, her since
she heard it from Derek. She wanted ther opimon. ura had that. ',
what a book/ she said, eyes In ight i excitement by the time Sabrina had
reached end of her tale. ' makes for a great plot.' ''m not
writing it.' ' YOU are. You're a writer. That's your thing.' ''m
also Derek's wife. For now, that's my thing.' ' you kidding?' '."
"Sabrina, these are modem times. You can write and be Derek's wife.' 365
`1 know that/ Sabrina countered quietly, ' for now I'm just his wife.

Maybe I'm on vacation, too.' ''ve been on vacation for three-plus
years/ Maura remarked, then qualified herself when Sabrina stiffened.

"Bad word. I know the agony you went through with Nicky. That was no
vacation. How about hiatus - you've been on a three-plus years' hiatus
from writing.' ''s okay.' There was a pause, then Maura said, '
why don't you get back to it2 You have the perfect vehicle., $I won't
use that particular vehicle. Not yet. I told Derek I wouldn't, and,
anyway, he's right. The files are the key.' For a minute Maura looked as
though she was ready to argue further about the writing. Then, wearing a
resigned expression, she said, ' the files exist. It could be a long
shot. I'd think Derek's time would be better spent looking for proof
that Greer put him in WV ' fact is/ Sabrina said, ' he may never
be able to prove it. His best hope is that if he's able to expose
Greer's dealings with Ballantine, someone will come forward after the
fact and shed light on what really happened with Joey Padilla and that
murder trial. Men like Greer make enemies along the way. They have to.

There must be people out there who would be more than happy to pound
another i nail in Noel Greer's coffin. First, though, he has to be
discredited. Right now he's too powerful., Maura was very quiet for
several minutes. She ate a cheese cube, then acracker, then another
cheese cube. She finished off her wine, then cocked her head to the
side. ''s power is not to be underestimated.' ' know that.' 366
@_, 11 Derek worried that hell be tailed when he goes those files?' She
paused, then stuck on a quick, knows about the files. You said Derek
told Sabrina shifted her gaze to the panels of glass that ! out on
the woods surrounding the farmhouse. k Mfe here was so peaceful. Mention
of Noel Greer, of B lantine, of the files and revenge stirred a al
"':kkervous, crinkle in her stomach that was very much at ' with that
peace. Unfortunately, the nervous crinkle wasn't about to ! go away by
itself. Again, Sabrina opted to share her 1w with Maura, this time in
the hope that she could tase it. ' think Derek's hoping that Greer will
be too involved with his Senate campaign to bother.' Isn't that a
simplistic approach? If Greer doesn't '- bother, and if Derek comes up
with those files, and if they're as condemning as Derek hopes they'll
be, Greer's Senate campaign would he shot to hell. Sabrina grimaced.

"You're not supposed to say that. You're supposed to say Derek-is
probably right. You're supposed to say that Greer has too much on his
mind to worry about Derek, even that Greer is arrogant enough to think
that Derek wouldn't dare cross him again. The thought of someone
monitoring Derek's activities doesn't thrill me.' Tipping her wineglass
to her lips, Maura drained it. lut I suppose you're right/ Sabrina said,
feeling discouraged. ' is a powerful min. He's the puppeteer
pulling the strings. To accomplish what he has already, he's probably
utilized a whole cadre of men. One of them could easily be spared to
keep tabs on Derek., Maura gave a sudden frown and seemed momentarily
distracted. Then, as quickly as it had come, the 367 frown vanished.

"Christ, we're getting morose/ she said with a return of her usual
ebullience. ''s no need to think about this now, is there? This is
supposed to be a festive season. It was. J.B. and Maura tolerated each
other enough to minimize the verbal sparring, and what there was of it
was, in its way, entertaining. But that was just the start of their
entertainment. As a foursome, Derek, Sabrina, J.B. and Maura spent a
day bucking the Christmas-week crowds on the ski slopes, a night gorging
on roast duckling at a quaint little inn, another day on snowmobiles,
another night at the movies. Sabrina took Maura browsing through the
shops she most admired of those she'd discovered since she'd come north.

And she cooked. To lavish praise and many a raised glass, she prepared
goodies ranging from apple pancakes to veal scallopini to
buttemut-squash soup to English trifle. She was pleased with her life.

Derek was never far from her side, and she had Maura, her good friend,
and J. B., who, with a stretch of the imagination, was beginning to -
resemble a friend. While she'd been expecting to feel down over the
holidays - the first without Nicky - that depression never materialized.

And her need for professional accomplishment temporarily took a backseat
to her responsibilities as a wife and homemaker. Two days before New
Year's, Maura left to return to New York and to Richard - which was the
name she'd finally given for the man she was seeing. Under J. B.'s
tauntin& she also admitted that he was a businessman; but no amount, of
tauntin& coaxing or pleading - from any of them - had produced another
word. New Year's Eve was an experience. Sabrina and Derek had been
invited to a party thrown by a pair of @ 368 she'd met when she first
moved to Vermont, they wouldn't hear of leaving 1. B. -behind. In his
way, he'd truly become part of the family. Beyond Sabrina suspected that
Derek wanted him along `*.moral support. This was to be the first time
that had ' public' since his arrest. It was the first that he would
be standing around making social ersation with people who knew exactly
who he and where he'd been. ' don't have to go/ Sabrina assured him
more ... M once. But Derek only shook his head. ''s time.' When he said
things like that, Sabrina felt a tiny ,.Psson of tension, because if it
was time for Derek to ', It would soon be time for more. But she was
ill ,@;4etermined not to let that particular thought ruin her .'-New
Year's Eve, and it didn't. Standing back, watching ..-Derek and J. B.,
she was amused. It was like the blind k ' the blind. J.B. was as
nervous about the party AS Derek. Each became the other's personal
crusade..Y, By the time they returned home in the wee hours, Sabrina was
doing the driving. Derek and J.B. weren't drunk just pleasantly tipsy.

It even occurred to her ' their lightheadedness wasift't caused by
alcohol at all, but by the fact that they'd been received well - either
that, or relief that the ordeal was over. In any case, she wasn't taking
any chances. As it happened, Derek had sobered sufficiently by the time
they reached the farmhouse to lead Sabrina to their bedroom, take her in
his arms and show her Al @liow very deep his love was. She half
suspected that his New Year's resolution had something to do with that,
for he was more hungry than ever for her in the days to come. Her own
resolution was more a wish - 369 that this honeymoon at home could go on
and on and on., On the twentieth of January, it ended. That was the day
when Noel Greer shocked no one by formally announcing his candidacy for
a seat in the United States Senate,

Chapter 15.

spent the
twenty-first of January doing some thinking. He had long since mapped
out his plan knew just where to begin his work, but his r, 7@ thoughts
ranged ahead, hovering about the various I:,!,.*mible weaknesses that
had made Lloyd Ballantine IIA, vorruptible. One of those possibilities
would deter- Inime the ultimate direction of his search. That direcaion
would be where the danger lay. Derek didn't want Sabrina subject to
danger. She had n by his side when David had called on the phone .-to
alert him to Greer's announcement; she had been "by his side when the
evening news had replayed the ent :,speech. She had made a quiet statem
of her intent 6at if she couldn't fight him, she'd join him. That scared
him a little. He wanted her help. She was a first-class researcher
organized, thorough and concise in her notes. He'd Ieen through them
several times and knew most everything there was to he publicly known
about Lloyd Ballantine from his birth to the time he'd joined the
Supreme Court. After that, the picture faded. To bring it back into
focus, and to learn about those small, personal, non-public items in his
biography - that second life, if it existed - would require interviews
the late justice's family, friends and colleagues. If V. Sabrina
conducted such interviews it would openly iden her with Derek's
cause. He wasn't ready for tify that yet. -Nor was he ready for what
happened in the early 371 afternoon of the twenty-second of January.

Amid dual clouds of misting breath, Ann Fitzgerald and Justin Shagrew
appeared on his doorstep like lost puppies from his past. They were
swathed in parkas, hats, scarves and gloves, and the little skin that
had been left exposed to the sub-freezing temperature was ruddy.

Surprised and pleased, if a little puzzled, Derek hauled them inside and
introduced them to Sabrina. '-Fitz and Justin worked with me on
many a story/ he explained, then gave a skewed grin. ' always were
great for showing up just when the pizza did.' Justine held up a hand
and vowed in a voice that was slightly slurred by a numb mouth and jaw,
"Pure coincidence - and we wouldn't have popped in at lunchtime now if
it hadn't been so cold. The cycle doesn't offer much protection. We
couldn't bear the thought of sitting on the steps for long, when there
were such wonderful smells coming from insi&I Derek shot a glance out
the window toward the drive. ' can't believe you came on the Harley."
"I figured/ Justin said, ' if the Harley could make it, we could.

The windchill factor was something else, though.' He looked at his
fingers, which were still curled from the handlebars. ' may never be
the same.' Sabrina estimated both he and his companion to be in the
vicinity of twenty-six or twenty-seven, which meant that they'd started
work with Derek fresh from college. They looked clean, and were dressed
well, if casually. Ann was petite and seemed shy; Sabrina had the
impression she was hiding beneath both the multiple layers of her
clothing and the thick mane of sandy hair that, freed now from the heavy
wool cap she'd 372 for the trip, fell in tight curls to her shoulders.

dark-haired Justin stood taller, wore his layered rs loose, his jeans
tight, hoots to his knees and .00y gold stud halfway up the curve of his
ear. He a sure smile and made eye contact readily. He r Derek Mcgill, at
first glance ck her as a younge . leader of the pair. ! raig gave
you the address?'Derek asked. His initial rise gone, he was puzzled and
slightly wary. 6@,-`Reluctantly, and only after we agreed to devote Ives
to getting you back to New York.' If that's why you're here, Derek said
in a light tone t serious business, ''re, wasting your Aat mean This
time, Justin's smile was surprisingly mature, nsingly understanding.

"It's not why we're here.' Derek sought Sabrina's gaze in an instant's
silent Ommunication before saying, ' that case, it's lentil soup with
franks that you smell, and there's plenty, if you'd like to join us. We
were just about to eat.' Neither Justin nor Ann was about to refuse.

Settling "gratefully into mate's chairs around the captain's table @@-gn
the kitchen, they told of their adventures on the ",Ibad. At Derek's
questioning, they also related what V .@'!the.,'d been up to in New
York, which, inevitably, brought them to the reason they'd come. Ve need
direction/ Ann said in a soft, tentative voice. Up to that point, she'd
been content to let Justin do most of the talking, which he, in turn,
had been more than content to do. But Sabrina had the sudden unpression
- from what source, she didn't know - that nee past her shyness,
Annie-Fitz, as Derek fondly '.1, ed her, was a very bright woman. Ann
went on. ' you us to do at the network ed was exciting. There's been
no one else in the field who 373 can do it quite the same. You had the
guts to stand up to Greer, so your stories were a cut above the rest."
She darted a timid glance at Sabrina, looked down at the tabletop, then
back at Derek and spoke quickly. ' it hadn't been Greer, it would
havebeen someone else. Every network has its self-appointed censor.

Unfortunately, that means that some stories are never approached because
they are considered too touchy from the start., She paused to take in a
quivery breath. Ve're thinking of free-lancing, but we're not sure where
to begin. We have story ideas - all those stories that are waiting to be
told but have no spokesman without you. We even have contacts. We're
good at finding facts when someone tells us where to go, but we have no
idea how to pull the whole thing together. We need a mentor.' Her eyes
flickered, as thought she wanted to blink or look away but wouldn't
allow herself to do either. We've chosen you.' Derek studied her long
after 6he'd stopped speaking. Then he said, ''re serious.' '.,
His expression, which had grown more sober as Ann talked, was close to
grim. ' you mean mentor, as in using me for an entr6e, you're in
trouble. My name isn't worth much at this point. I qt is now that
Greer's out of the picture.' '?' Sabrina asked. ''t it the
reversev Justin was the one who answered. ' in our field. As a
candidate for the Senate, Greer will have to separate himself from the
network. Otherwise, he'll have a conflict of interest., For some reason,
Sabrina hadn't considered that, but in doing so, she realized what a
risk Greer was taking. If he resigned his position atthe network and
then lost 374 he'd find himself out in left field. Based Derek had told
her, she doubted Greer was a who'd care for that. Which meant that Noel
Greer A--- pretty sure about winning the election before declared his
candidacy. Which meant that if , screwed things up, he could well be
out for Derek was at least in part responsible for that lost she could
begin to understand the satisfacat stake for him ... and the risk. that
in mind, she looked at him. He met her for a dark and knowing moment
before turning to hear what Justin was saying. th Greer once removed
from the network, his _Vi r is suddenly diffused. Sure, his people are
still and one or another of them may prove to be but nowhere as strong
as he was. There are an lot of people who were freed by Greer's announcr
for office.' Biscing his mug between his hands, Derek adjusted ..".'Nis
spine to the curved back of his chair. What Justin Ann were saying made
sense, but more than that, were two of those who had remained loyal to
Both had written him when he was in prison. had talked with him that day
in the studio in York. He respected and trusted them. And he saw ment in
their personal plans. ' free-lancing yours ' ventured. ' you
talking television?' Ann said in a quiet tone. ' we thought -would be
easier, from a purely technical point of *iew to start with newspapers
and magazines and build from there.' She sent him an apologetic look.

-Ve're not working with a very broad fund base.' You don't need one. If
you don't have to involve enses Yourselves with filming, the only
significant exp 375 will be travel and phone bills. A typewriter and
paper, a word processor if you want one; beyond that, your greatest
resource is up here.' He tapped his head. His hand fell back to his mug.

He squinted into it. ''ve totally severed yourselves from the
networkv Justin nodded. ' didn't want to be drafted to work on Greer's
campaign.' Vould that have happened?' Sabrina asked. Derek was the one
to say, ' bet.' Ann turned to her. it had already started - the order
was sent around that all staff members were to be there when he
announced his candidacy. That was when Justin and I knew it was time to
quit. We'd been thinking of doing it for a while. We'd both been
increasingly frustrated.' She looked at Derek. ' you stopped by
last November, things got more tense.' ' do you mean?' Derek asked
in a low, still voice. ' were a living, breathing example of what
happened if one didn't toe the line:' Silently Derek held her gaze,
willing her to go on. She shot a nervous glance at Justin, then
swallowed and faced Derek again, this time with determination. Ve know,
Derek. We may not know all the details, much less have concrete proof,
but we know that Greer had something to do with what happened to you.

Everyone at the studio knew it. No one knew quite how he did it, or why,
but everyone knew it., ' antagonism between you two was legendary -
Justin began. Ann cut in. ' it didn't account for the lengths to
which he went to put you away., ''re not asking that you tell us -
"Maybe you don't even know -' ' we wanted to say that we'd be glad to
help - 376 the deprciodfoeutnodgosialfetenrcehi mthat followed the rapid
Sabrina realized she was holding her breath. -released it slowly and
looked from Ann's face to is. Both were focused expectantly on Derek,
and was giving nothing away. In a flash, Sabrina was in Parkersville on
the day of her first visit. She ed sensing a barrier between Derek and
her, and the world. The barrier had been shored up r and hostility. His
thoughts @ad been his own. hadn't welcomed any intrusion. ow, too, there
was a barrier, but it was one of While old wounds weren't raw, they were
far healed. Derek seemed suddenly set apart, separm the rest of them. He
was the ex-con, the one made monthly calls to his parole officer, the
one visible scars for time spent with violent men. He "',..the
intimidator. all waited for him to speak. When he did, his intimidated
only through its utter control. ' talk at the studio, then?' nt's
pause during which Ann accepted a mome he wouldn't immediately take them
up on their to help, she answered, ' little, and that was of the
things that was so odd. There's always talk studio - nonsense chatter in
the lunchroom, e halls - but this time there wasn't. it was in th no one
knew who to trust and who not to.' e could probably make some pretty
good guesses t. who was involved/ Justin added, ' we have _jproof.

After years of scrabbling to pay the, bills, y Hoddendez was suddenly
able to move his y out of the city, but, who was to say that the he used
didn't really come from his uncle in 377 Cincinnati, as he said? Word
went around that Suzanne Lyons' appointment as an anchorwoman in
Charleston came at least in part because she was sleeping with the
producer down there - and who could question that? I Derek's fingers
were tight around his mug. His lips were pursed, the muscle in his jaw
working to betray his thoughts as he wouldn't do in words. ''s a
tyrant, I Ann said, and they all knew she was talking about Greer.

"Someone has to stop him.' q know/Derek muttered, ' know.' We'll work
for you/ Justin repeated the offer. ' the word and we'll do it.

Somewhere there has to be proof that he set you up. If not that, there
has to be proof that he blackmailed Ned Weinick into resigning as news
director, or that he was responsible for sabotaging his major
competitor's coverage of the last presidential election, or that he
cheated on his income taxes - somethin& anything. I'm not ready to
believe that the man is as invulnerable as he thinks.' Ann had come
forward in her seat. ' we need direction in that, too. You know what
you went through. You have to have suspicions. We'll do the legwork if
you tell us where to go.' . Derek knew that he should tell them to go
straight to hell. They were butting in where they didn't belong. This
was his hurt, his war. And even beyond that, they had no concept of the
danger involved. If Sabrina hadn't been sitting right there, he'd have
spelled out that danger in living color. But it probably wouldn't have
mattered to Justin and Ann. They were young and zealous. They wouldn't
be put off by danger. They'd probably get even angrier on his behalf if
they knew all that Greer had done. ' think/ Derek said, taking a
tempering breath, ' 378 , ahead of yourselves." He shifted a
level one face to the other. ' thought you came -46cause you wanted to
set up a business.' did, I Justin said. '.' added, ' just thought
you could be our first I already have a biographer.' pairs of eyes
turned toward Sabrina, who shrank into her chair anti - holding both UP,
palms out - told Ann and Justin, ''s got @.@'hamstrung, too/ which was
in some respects a revealing statement, but one she didn't regret. at
Derek, gnawed on her lower hp for a before suggesting, ''s the
bam.' thought she was being vague. She thought that and Justin couldn't
possibly know what she t, and therefore Derek could freely decide one or
another. To her chagrin, Ann jumped at her on. e'll take it. All we need
is a little comer. The is, Justin's apartment in the city just went
condo, mine is too small to do anything but sleep in, and ,*,,know that
we're going to have to find something to for a home base, but this has
all happened really y.' She took a quick br@ath. ' we could use barn
until we get our plans straight - not Iong, a few days, maybe a week -
thatd be great.' got sleeping bags for warmth/ Justin said, ' bam
would be great. just a roof over our heads e we brainstorm.' He looked
at Derek and sheepm amended that to, ' we pick your brain.' ed to
Sabrina and said as quickly and Ps I edy as she could, ' know this
is a terrible imposi- but we'd work to make it not so. I'll pick up
ries. We'll eat out there. You wouldn't even have 379 to know we're
around.' She swallowed, then added more meekly, ' for the time
we're ... picking Derek's brain. I Sabrina thought the idea sounded just
fine. She liked having a houseful of people. Not that it was actually
the house that was going to be full. She looked at Derek. He was
thinking the same thing. ''s only one problem/he told Justin and
Ann. Justin held up a hand in smooth assurance. ' grew up on a farm in
Kansas.' He splayed the hand over his chest. ' got animals in that
barn, I can handle Animals.' ' exactly animals/ Derek said. '
arguable point/ Sabrina murmured. Leaning close, Derek murmured back,
"He's behaving, isn't he? I ' you call emerging from the barn once a
day to sit in a trance at the dinner table behaving ...' ''s writing.

You said it yourself, that's his style.' ' I thought we'd see a
change. He's been better about other things.' ''re looking for
miracles.' '. Maybe.' Derek turned to Justin and Ann. ' have
another guest. J.B. Monroe. Ring a bell?' For a split second, both
faces looked stunned. Then, simultaneously - and comically so - they
came alive. ' J.B. Monroe?' Justin asked excitedly. Derek's nod set
them off. ' have read/ Justin said, conveying his awe in the separate
emphasis he gave each word, ' single one of his fourteen novels."
Ann's eyes were wide. ''s made the New -York Times fist, the
Publishers Weekly list, two of his books have been made into movies,
another one adapted for 380 another used as the basis for a Saturday
cartoon show. He's incredibly successful - he's in your barn?' ded. erek
nod s tin went limp. ' can't believe you put a man like .-I. Monroe in
your barn.' @10;i the other hand/ Ann said, ''m not sure I'd want in my
house. His books are too scary for me, and I erstand that the man
himself is i feel it only fair/ Derek interrupted, ' warn you t
J B Monroe is my brother-in-law. justin straightened. ' -
rother-in-law?' Ann finished, cheeks flaming. Her flew to Sabrina, who'd
been watching in arnuset. ''m sorry. I didn't mean to sound critical. I
.... Prstand the kind of skill it takes to do what he s. It's
just that I ... I have a vivid imagination ... I rites.' nightmares ...
so I can't read what he w S b iled. ' problem-there. But J.B.

is living a rma sm th b which is pretty well fixed up, by the
way, W e am - A. ,.,Ao there's no danger of your freezing. There are
several a rooms. You're more than welcome to use them '-do ong as you
promise not to disturb J. B.' J.. Ann and Justin promised. It Was late
that night when Derek finally went to bed. Sabrina had been lying
beneath the quilt, waiting for what had seemed an eternity when she
finally heard roos e '@bis f t teps. H undressed silently, slid
between the beets and drew her to him. She snuggled against .34midiar
lines to find that while his body was warm, A..,11111P"his feet were
like ice. He'd obviously sat at the hearth after the fire died. e you
okay?' she whispered. '-huh/he whispered back. 381 ' seemed
preoccupied when you came in from the, barn.1 He'd gone out much earlier
to see that Ann and Justin were settled. ijust thinking.1 Sabrina didn't
need to ask about what. it hadn't taken Ann and Justin's arrival to make
him think of Noel Greer. The man had become a presence. Sabrina always
knew when Derek was thinking of him because his eyes would get angry,
his body tense. Increasingly there were spells of tossing and turning
during the night. Sometimes Sabrina would awaken to find him standing
stark naked before the window, surrounded by the blue glow of the moon's
reflection on the snowy landscape. He would look eerie. Forbidding. Like
something from one of J. B.'s books. Unwilling to acknowledge the
reality of the image, she would turn over and W@qi it gone, and by
morning it was. Until the next time. It was inevitable that Ann and
Justin's arrival intensified his thought. On the one hand, Sabrina liked
Derek's friends. She thought Derek would enjoy being their ''
until he decided on the direction he wanted to take, professionally,
himself. if, on the other hand, Ann and Justin's presence was going to
be an emotional barb in his side, she'd as soon have them leave in the
morning. Was I right to make the offer?' she asked, referring to the use
of the barn. '. They're nice kids.' They lay silently for a time.

Sabrina could tell Derek wasn't sleeping. She was far from sleepy
herself, so she asked, Were they always a pair?' ''ve always been
close, like two peas in a pod, but they're not romantically involved. I
She raised her head from the pillow of his chest and 382 through the
moonlight. ''s strange. I just they were.' t/Derek said with a
crooked smile, is because w a very conventional lady. You see men as sex
smile relieved her tremendously, so much so She decided to follow up on
the train of thought. her head to his chest, she said, Vell, hell,
blind. Justin is a good-looking man, and Ann is le. If they work
together and travel together, It they romantically involved?, is shy.1
with Justin. 1 she isn't looking for involvement with at this point in
her life., t why notv ybe she had a bad experience once., the problem
isn't with Ann but with Justin. he's gay.' sibly/ Derek said without
pause. a's head bobbed up. ' was only kidding.' She Derek's face, but
it showed no sign of a smile. u really think so?, re was always. rumor to
that effect, and Justin @Went out of his way to deny it., it bother you
- working with him? I you kidding? He's one hell of a researcher and I
always fought to get him on my team. The way it, his sexual preference
had no relevance to our therefore it was none of ' business.' He
pushed @th i"head down and kissed her lightly on the forehead. ed he'll
attack T.B. Vhe asked, and this time she have to look at his face. She
heard the smile that he was teasing and answered it by rubbing his with
her hand. She never tired of touching him. 383 ' you don't mind that
they're here?, she asked, suddenly a bit distracted. ' depends on
how long they stay.' He turned on his side to face her and ran his hand
from her bare shoulder to the base of her equally bare spine. ''m not
sure I'm going to like sharing you so much.' ' won't be sharing me."
"Sure, I will. First J. B., now Justin and Annie-Fitz, he nipped her
nose - ' here I was hoping that you could subsist on a diet of me and
me alone., She kissed his chin. ' can.' Tut you have so many other
people to talk with now. Don't deny it. I heard you laughing with Ann
while you were making dinner.' ' enjoyed having her there, which is not
to say that I would have chosen her over you, because I wouldn't have
done that. But you were carting wood to the barn, so you weren't
around.' She took his chin between her thumb and forefinger. ' love
you, Derek. I enjoy having other people around, but 6nly-if I know that
we'll have times like this. Just the two of us. Quiet, relaxed, peaceful
- I Derek kissed her silent before she could say something that would
make him feel guilty, but the kiss, as always, affected him, and before
long he was seeking more. He loved her taste and texture. He loved the
way she sighed when he touched her, whimpered when he stroked her,
writhed when he tongued her most sensitive spots. He loved the way she
took command at times, the way she made love to him with her hands and
lips, the way she used her body, rubbing sleekly, rocking slowly, to
drive him wild. He knew that if he searched the world, he'd never find
another wo to satisfy him as she did. When he was joined with
her, he felt complete. When he brought her to a climax, he 384 orious.

When he reached his own, he felt that Aied and come back to life a
richer man. only problem was that on this night when he back to life, he
was thinking of Noel Greer. That M when he knew it was time to act. days
later, Derek and Sabrina were in David 11's office in New
York. Actually, they weren't ... bis office, per se, but in the computer
room of his firm. Derek was at the keyboard of one of the halfcomputers.

Sabrina was in a chair close by his Derek told her, ' LEXIS.' He keyed
in one This, waited for new directions to appear on the screen, keyed in
another. ' we had all the time and nce in the world, we would be
sitting in the law poring through yearly volumes of the Supreme urt
Reporter, but I don't have all the time and nce in the world,, so we're
doing it this way.' He I AS continuing to type responses to prompts on
the #creen. "What are we looking for?' Sabrina asked in a isper. e
connection between Ballantine and Greer/ rek said in a voice low enough
not to carry beyond eir station. ' we theorize that Greer had a
personal lenough stake in at least one Supreme Court case to his bribing
Ballantine, we have to find those cases where Ballantine's might have
been the deciding vote.' ' do we do thatv TEXIS' memory contains all
of the cases decided by the court, along with the date of the decision
and the vote, by justice. We're looking for those decisions made during
Lloyd Ballantine's years on the bench in 385 which Ballantine voted with
the five-member majority - split decisions, five voted to four, where
Ballantine voted with the five.' He studied the screen, entered another
command on the keyboard. ,,, Sabrina conceded. ''ll know if
Ballantine voted with the five. But will we know whether his was
actually the deciding vote?, '. We have no way of knowing that. All
we'll know is that Ballantine voted in Greer's favor. You can hardly
call it evidence, but it's a start. Particularly ...' He faltered,
eyes narrowed on the screen, and his words grew distant. '... if we
can find more than one case.' He took a breath. qiere we go. Got a
pencil?' ' here.' Derek read the citation by volume, date and page.

Sabrina wrote it down, even though it didn't appear to relaie to Greer.

"We'll note them all/ Derek explained. ' we don't need them, that's
fine. On the other, hand, if we come up with zip, we may have to look
more deeply into those that initially sound improbable.' And so they sat
side by side, Derek manipulating the computer, Sabrina compiling a list
of cases from those he read off. At one point, when they took a short
break, David snagged her in the hall on her way back from the ladies'
room. fhow's it goinl?' he asked. She gave him a feeble half-smile.

"Okay, I guess. Not that anything earth-shattering has popped off the
scree n yet.' Tatience, girl. Patience.' ', that's what I keep
telling myself. Derek doesn't have that much, but compared to me he's
loaded., 386 has learned patience the hard way. The pastime today is a
drop in the bucket compared to weeks, months he spent locked up just of
doing what he is now.' he's incredible.' so, do ya? I smiled. ', I
do.' mighty glad to hear that, ma'am, since he thinks much the same
about yo,4. But frankly' - he ore serious -'I'm surprised you're letting
him him? Do you think I had a choice?' ' his wife.' t's right, his
wife, not his keeper., he scratched his cheek with a single finger, e
thought that after everything you've been you'd prefer a more peaceful
life.' But I fell in love with Derek, and all this ow came with the
package. Derek is determined it through. I can't stop him.' e you tried?

I I I have/ she said with the kind of quiet serenity had drawn Derek to
her from the start, ' I gave ause I realized something else - not
realized, accepted is a better Word. Derek needs to do Right now, he's
haunted. There are times when push it all to a comer of his mind, but
inevitably tomes forward again. He's haunted by the boy he growing up as
his father's son - and he's haunted man Noel Greer would see him be. I
wish there some other way, because revenge is ugly. But he to be free.

We need to be free.' She paused, then sadly, ' a prison bar isn't
made of steel.' avid Cottrell stood silently before her for the space
ths. Then he let out a whoosh and shook Of several brea 387 his head in
admiration of the woman his friend had been lucky enough to catch. By
midday, Sabrina and Derek had a sizable list of those split-decision
cases in which Lloyd Ballantine had voted with the majority. One of
those cases concemed Noel Greer and the network he had founded and built
and of which he had become chairman of the board. Citation in hand,
Derek went to the volumes on the shelves of David's law library. There
he learned that the case was a libel suit that had been decided in
Greer's favor with Lloyd Ballantine's vote in support. While Sabrina was
pleased as punch that Derek's theory was proving to have merit, Derek
was more cautious. ' should be more/ he said, brooding, ', in
fact, Lloyd Ballantine -committed suicide. Think about it. Barring some
sudden, shocking turn in his life, a man is usually heading downhill for
a while before he gets to the drastic ppint of taking his life. This
case was decided four months before Ballantine died - long enough to
eliminate sudden shock, not all that long for a real downhill slide.

I'll bet the relationship between Ballantine and Greer goes further
back.' ' the days before he was on the bench?' '.' '
first came to Washington to serve as Attorney General. He'd certainly
have had something to offer Greer in that capacity.' ' frowned,
looked down, slowly shook his head. He raised a pained look to Sabrina.

"It's right there. I can almost taste it, but it stays on the edge of my
memory. It's been that way for so long that lim not sure I didn't just
dream it up to begin with.' ' what up?' 388 That's the problem.

Mind spending in the library?' e not.' : turned out to be the rest
of that day and J*,,.the next, but when they finally finished with Derek
had what he needed. Walking with Sabrina's hand held tightly in his, he
led A, he coffee shop where they were to meet the had spoken with moments
earlier on the an Sable had ad been the chief of the antitrust Of the
Department of justice under Attorney I. Ballantine. He confirmed what
Derek and had read - that during his tenure, Noel Greer the subject of
an antitrust investigation that en terminated at the intervention of the
attorney The case against Greer had been strong, Sable No one had been
more surprised - or angry - when it had been dropped, and he'd resigned
"V'Wition soon after. Frankly, he confessed, he was had investigated the
matter sooner. -in Vermont, Derek told Justin and Ann about his Jor the
Ballantine files. He'd given it much had discussed it with Sabrina. J.

B. already it was one of the many things he and Derek had about when
they'd been working together in the @.And as for Justin and Ann, Derek
knew he could them. He wanted their feedback. had another reason for
wanting Derek to

"Justin and Ann into his confidence. When she t of
feedback, she thought of additional voices Derek that he was
overstepping the bounds of if, indeed, it ever got to that. in short,
she *-A allies. 389 She knew she had them in Justin and Ann. They hung
on every word Derek said, but then, rather than yessing him, they asked
questions. They played devil's advocate, and they could get away with
it, since that was largely how brainstorming sessions had been back when
they all worked together in New York. After hours of intermingled talk
and thought, they agreed that Derek was headed in the right direction.

They agreed that while there was still a possibility that Lloyd
Ballantine's support of Noel Greer's causes might have been innocent,
Greer had had much, much to lose without that support. They agreed that
Greer's nearly violent reaction to Derek's proposed investigation of
Ballantine smacked of a cover-up and that if, indeed, Ballantine had
accepted a bribe, there had to be a reason. A weakness. Which was how
Noel Greer worked. They agreed that the next step to finding the
Ballantine files was finding that weakness - and that the first step to
finding that weakness was to interview the man's family. They did not
agree on who would do the interview- and Ann wanted to help. They could
leave nztjuaswtiany, they said. They would be relentless but discreet.

They would uncover as much about Lloyd = . in his hometown as there
was to be Vered, and they could do it quickly. Their last argument was
the most tempting for Derek. He had already decided to stay in Vermont
for at least a week or two before heading out again. For one thing, he
didn't want to alert anyone who might be watching his movements that he
was hot on a trail. For another, Sabrina was tired. She argued with him
on that point, but he could see it. Faint shadows had appeared under
her, eyes, and she was having more trouble getting up in the morning. He
worried that his 390 keeping her awake during the night, but that it
was. He could only conclude that feeling the emotional strain of his
quest. he wasn't about to give up on the quest, and wasn't about to let
him pursue it without Since he couldn't, just couldn't let Ann and it
for him.,- his only option-was to wait that or two and see that Sabrina
got plenty of rest continuinghe was sorry to lose the time. No, he
didn't pampering Sabrina. She was his mate, his wife. mas his
responsibility, and he took that very - which was easy to do, since he
adored her. w that if she'd had her druthers, he wouldn't be the
Ballantine files at all. He figured that the least Id do was intersperse
his search with more peaceful times for them both. tried. He tried not
to think about Greer, not to to televised reports about his campaign,
not to the coverage in Time or Newsweek. instead, he Sabrina to Boston
for two days of laziness in a hotel, then brought her home for another
two of ss In and around the farmhouse, then took her to cky, which she'd
been wanting to do. "Me enjoyed pampering her, and found that as long
did it with a minimum of fanfare, she enjoyed it, It helped that Ann had
taken command of the hen and was preparing the kind of culinary treats
the tiny kitchen of her closet-of-an-apartment in York had been unsuited
for. That wasn't all Ann was doing. Under Derek's tute- she and Justin
had begun work on several of the stories that had interested them.

They'd equipped their makeshift bam-office with desks and telephones,
and 391 between time spent there and at the college library, they were
on their way. Sabrina worried that J.B. was in their way. Each time she
ventured to the barn, he was out of his own office and sitting in Ann's.

When she asked about the status of his book, he told her to worry about
her own, after which point she rarely asked again. She did as Ann - the
two women had developed an easy relationship - about whether J.B. was
being a pest and was told with a shy smile that he wasn't. That was more
than Derek could say about Maura, who dropped by for another visit
during those two weeks. Derek couldn't quite put his finger on what
bothered him about Maura - whether it was the history she and Sabrina
shared, or the fact that she took up large chunks of Sabrina's time or
that she rarely stopped talking. She was forever asking questions, and
that annoyed him. For Sabrina's sake, though, he was always polite. For
his own sake, he was always happy to see Maura leave. - When Sabrina got
the rest Derek had prescribed for her and still the shadows beneath her
eyes didn't disappear, Derek decided that they were related to tension.

Knowing the source of that tension and that the only way of relieving it
was to solve the Ballantine puzzle, he went ahead and booked two seats
on a flight to Chicago.

Chapter 16.

Ballantine lived in a beautiful
Tudor ho@ne in go suburb of Lake Forest. If her late husband wanting for
money, there was no evidence of held left behind. The widow Ballantine
was fide member of upper-class society. her from their hotel soon after
he and had arrived, Derek set up a meeting for the day. gave her your
real name/ Sabrina said after he'd up. ''t that be a tip-off?' @d
given that earlier thought, knew it would be a problem during the course
of his search, but ci edagainst use of an ahas. ' of the things d
over the years was that the average person ittipped off so quickly. He -
she, in this case - isn't from where you and I are. She doesn't know's
in our minds. Unless Greer has already gotten er, which I doubt he has
-or she'd never have ed for this meeting, Mrs. Ballantine assumes but
what I told her - that we're doing an P, F-n d P n t story on her late
husband and want to ask some questions - which is, in fact, the truth.

The we he, the less we risk stumbling over our own Sabrina considered
that for a minute, then broke ' a dazzling smile. ' put/ she said.

added ess nobly, ' choice did I S, ve? She'd probably have
recognized me anyway.' 393 Bernice Ballantine did recognize him. She
commented that she'd watched him many a time, and that she was glad to
see him back at work. He did nothing to correct -that misperception -
which was only indirectly a misperception. He was back at work. He was
an investigative journalist interviewing a source, in search of
information that would send him farther down the road. This was what
he'd always done and he did it well. Even aside from the personal stake
he had in this particular subject, he felt the thrill of the chase
lighten his blood. Unfortunately, Bernice Ballantine was of little help.

She confirmed the standard biographical facts that Sabrina and Derek
broached merely for the sake of their cover. She painted a picture of a
family man, a devoted husband and father whose primary weakness was a
lack of aptitude for mechanical things. Under Derek's questioning, she
said that she'd been proud of her husband, and that though he hadn't
been on the bench long enough to make so great an impact as some of the
others, he'd taken his job with due gravity. Under Sabrina's questionin&
she admitted that she'd never felt completely comfortable living in
Washington, which was why she'd returned to Lake Forest as often as she
had. Ye she felt that the justices were underpaid, but s he . s essed
that she was thinking of some of the others 7 since, of course, she and
her husband had been financially secure. No, she had no knowledge of
corruption in the Court. Yes, her husband had on occasion been burdened
by the emotional pressures of his work. No, there were no other papers -
beyond those already bequeathed to the University of Chicago Library -
left behind when he died. At the conclusion of the m'terview, she
commented 394' -wished Derek was back at the network. resist, Derek
asked what she thought of Greer's bid for a Senate seat, to which she
that even if she were a resident of New York, ' vote for Greer because
he was a womanshe couldn't abide infidelity. sounds like the Girl Scout
to match her late's Boy Scout/ Sabrina remarked when they'd to the
privacy of their rental car. terribly inspmng, Derek agreed. ', it
wasn't '. Either I'm a poor judge of character, or that was telling
the truth. I do believe that she had ledge of any misconduct on
Ballantine's part.' ch doesn't mean that there wasn't any. She said
spent a good deal of time in Lake Forest while band was in Washington.

That opens the door kinds of possibilities., say the wife is always the
last to know - ihe first. But not in this case., her daughter is more
enlightened.' ela Stanger was more enlightened about mis- on the part of
her father, she was not about it. Married, she lived in a high-rise on
Chicashoreline, but she refused to meet with Derek and there, choosing
instead the impersonal conferroom of the firm for which she worked as an
tect. er formal, though civil, Pamela was a wornan of '. She
answered questions as succinctly as d le, volunteering little by way of
insightful infor- Sabrina found her arrogant; Derek found her ive. They
came away from the meeting, though, an awareness of two things. The
first was that la Ballantine did not enjoy talking about her r. The
second was that her names, embossed in 395 gold among those of her
partners at the entrance to the firm, read ' E. Stanger.' There
was no B for Ballantine, which was odd. Most women whose father had made
it to the Supreme Court would be proud as punch of the name. Apparently,
this one wasn't. Peter Ballantine, the late justice's only son, was less
tight-lipped than his sister. Though he chose his words with care, a
certain cynicism came through. Twice married and twice divorced, he
clearly had an ax to grind. Why he had chosen to share his feelings with
Sabrina and Derek, they didn't know, but they weren't about to look a
gift horse in the mouth. Quite bluntly he said that while his father had
been attentive when he'd been with them, that hadn't been often. Lloyd
Ballantine had liked his freedom. By the time his children reached the
age of fifteen, they had been enrolled in exclusive boarding schools. As
a lawyer practicing out of Chicago, Ballantine had traveled often -
leaving his wife behind. As attorney general, he had insisted on kteping
the Lake Forest house, and he'd done the same when he was appointed to
the Bench, though, theoretically, that appointment was for life. The
separation didn't bother Peter, who had always found his father too much
of a goody two-shoes - which was ironic, Peter said, but declined to
elaborate. Instead, he went on to say that he felt sorry for his mother.

She had deserved better. When Derek asked him to elaborate on that,
Peter sent him a come-on-man-use-your-imagination look that gave Derek
and Sabrina the direction they needed. '/ Derek announced once
they'd raced back to the airport and caught the first flight to Boston.

He kept his voice low, his head close to Sabrina's as the plane took
off. ' figured it was either booze, drugs,- 396 or sex. I suppose sex
makes sense., When arched a brow his way, he said, ''s the most t-type
vice of the four.' alcohol?, It's too visible. if you go into a bar and
get people see.' one sees a thing if you get drunk at home/ pointed out.

but an alcoholic can't limit his drinking to An alcoholic loses control.

That's the nature of I t. He may start at home, but before he knows's
drinking at the office, at restaurants, private , parties. Word
spreads., He raised his eyes to the flight attendant, quite
appropriately, offering drinks. Both he and Sabrina settled for Cokes,
,as, soon as the steward had moved on, he leaned -again. ' same thing
is true, to some extent, drugs and gambling.' , okay. I agree there/
Sabrina said after some t. ' is something else. We've assumed
was never a money problem, but can we do The house in Lake Forest was
beautiful, and I'd to guess that the townhouse in Washington too. There
were probably luxury cars and designer - the works. But what if
Ballantine was a er and had lost just enough money to have g mortgaged
to the hilt? that was the case, it would have taken more than Ior two
payoffs from Noel Greer to make things And people would have known -
bookies, bankthe executor of Ballantine's estate. Chances are that his
widow would be living as she is now ff. tine had come that close to the
edge., t she said she couldn't abide infidelity. ff Ballan- ' weakness
was women, wouldn't his wife have ed him? 397 ''d think that,
wouldn't you/ Derek murmured, momentarily distracted., Then he said more
clearly, ' could have been Greer's handle. Ballantine loved women.

His wife would have divorced him if she knew. There would have been
scandal. Bad press. Tarnish on the badge. Blackmail.' Closing her eyes,
Sabrina rested her head back against the seat. ' his weakness was
women, and the press never. caught on, he must have been very discreet."
She opened her eyes to Derek's. -'If so, we have our job cut out for us.

To be very discreet means to cover one's tracks, and if the tracks are
covered, how does one go about locating the women with whom a man who
died six years ago may have had affairs? I take it that is what we have
to do.' As a writer of nonfiction, Sabrina knew how to do research.

There was a fine line, though, between research and investigation.

Having crossed it, they were on Derek's turf. Derek confirmed it. '
have to verify that there were, in fact, women - and I'm assuming it in
the plural, since one woman, a long-standing mistress, would have been
far less spectacular in terms of any scandal that Greer might have
threatened to create.' Sabrina made a face. ' know, when it comes
right down to it, even the idea of legions of women isn't all that
scandalous. We're not talking the Dark Ages here. Six years ago, even
ten or twelve years ago is well into the sexual revolution. Would the
fact of Ballantine's womanizing really have been enough to give Greer
that powerful a tool?' ' was a justice of the Supreme Court.

justices of the Supreme Court are supposed to have whistle-clean images.

Ballantine did. He might have been embarrassed to the point of resigning
if there'd 398 S'scandal.' He -took a breath. ' again, you be.

right. That's why we have to find one of those 0". At the least she
could give us insight into the at his most vulnerable. At best she could
lead us Mes.1 they exist.' exist.' why do you think one of his women has
them?' one else seems to.' gray eyes held a challenge, but Sabrina had
no suggestions. ' how do we find the women?' sing his seat belt, Derek
stretched. in doing so, casually skimmed the faces of the people from
and behind them. The only one who at all familiar was the man sitting
two rows Derek was sure held been sitting two rows them on the flight
out - which said nothing t a businessman who had the same schedule as
had preferred sitting in front of the wing, as they ing into his seat
again, he said by Sabrina's ear, assume the scene of the crime to be
Washington, that's where Ballantine was during those lonely when his
wife was in Lake Forest. We -know that had a townhouse on Embassy Row."
.wouldn't have dared bring a woman there, would If he wanted to ensure
secrecy, there are other sensible sites for a '. Like a hotel., k
nodded his agreement. ''s done all the time. a room under a phony
name, makes a call, the woman his room number, and she visits hirn, the
public - and his family, - none the wiser. ces of the Supreme Court
don't have the kind of rable faces that politicians who run for office
399 have. Without their black gowns, they blend into the crowd., '
could spell trouble for us. Do we try to find the hotel first?' Sabrina
asked. ' woman, I think. A woman.' ' how?' ' services.

High-priced call girls. Society prostitutes who know all about
discretion. Ballantine probably used a phony name, so we'll have to get
a picture to show around.' He frowned off into the sky that was getting
darker as they headed east. ' this were three years ago, I'd have gone
to the studio files and had his picture in a minute.' ''ll take us a
little longer than that, but not much/ Sabrina said. ' of the
biographies I bought had a section with pictures. We could either copy
one, or if we're worried about copyright infringements we could just
carry the book around.' Derek took her hand. Her fingers seemed more
slender than ever. He ran his t6mb over the gold band that marked her
his. ' knew there was a good reason why I brought you along.' He
paused, studying her face now. ' okay?' '-huh.' ' look
tired.' J always look tired.' ' do not. just lately.' He dropped a
kiss on her nose. ' but tired. I'm working you too hard, I
think., She sputtered out a soft laugh. ''s a good one. I haven't
done a stitch of hard work in weeks, and you're worrying.' She was
right, Derek realized. It was precisely because she hadn't done a stitch
of hard work in weeks that he was worrying. He could understand that she
400 r some strain; he could see her struggling it at times; but the
strain wasn't that great - ' nowhere near the kind she'd had with
Nicky. she was tired. If he didn't see an improvement he was going to
insist she see a doctor. spent another ten days in Vermont before
setting n - partly to give Sabrina time to recoup her and partly to do
the same for Derek. He joked he was feeling his age, but the fact was,
the se had come to represent a haven. Neither the of the chase nor the
knowledge that he was g toward the revenge he'd dreamed about for than
two years could totally sustain him - and came as something of a shock.

'd thought himself driven. He'd thought, not so ago that nailing Noel
Greer was critical. He still it important, but critical? No. Some things
mat- more. Like Sabrina. Like the time he spent with the conversation,
the laughter, the shared feelings. their visits with Nicky. Like the
farmhouse. ter only three days in Chicago, helound that the air of
Vermont, the quiet nights, the sense of ity were precious. ot that those
ten days found him idle. He spent Ts with Justin and Ann reviewing the
progress'd made, plotting strategy, dictating directions, cussing the
basic principles of investigative journal- With the help of Justin, J.

B., a local plumber and electrician, he shaped the better part of a
small en and a second bathroom from the space that mained in the barn.

And he took care of Sabrina when she developed a d case of the flu,
which-he guessed accounted for r fatigue. She fought him at first. She
wanted to be 401 up and around, supervising what was being done in the
bim, baking, even writing - for she had started to write, or, more
accurately, make extensive notes on their search for the Ballantine
files. When she was beset by intermittent spells of nausea, though, she
yielded to Derek's urging and went to bedl As luck would have it, just
when Sabrina was beginning to feel better, her parents. flew East for
another surprise visit, the first such one since her marriage. That
night, lying in bed, she tried to explain her tension. -Mere are times
when I feel like a coin, with two distinct sides. 1@heirels the side
represented by Mom and Dad, the side that is creative and artistic and
imaginative. I'm a loner on that side, because the kind of work they do
- and J. B., too - calls for a solitary existence. Then there's the
other side, the one which is me with you up here. It doesn't'want a
solitary existence. it likes having people in the barn and good smells
coming from the kitchen and a fire in the hearth when we're coming
home.' She grew quiet for a minute, then said on a mildly plaintive
note, ' do I feel tom like that, Derek? Why can't I simply accept the
fact that I'm different from my parents? I have so much more than they
have, in many ways. But still they make me nervous when. they come."
Derek had been nervous himself, far more so than he wanted to
acknowledge. He'd been justified in it, he supposed. Amanda and Gebhart
Monroe had done little to hide their scrutiny of him. But after an
afternoon and an evening of it, he'd grown defiant. To hell with them,
he'd decided. If they didn't like him, tough. So held dropped all
formality and begun to challenge them 4G2 y, but they'd seen it.

Strangely, they'd backed not sure/ Derek began slowly, that there really
sides to the coin - or if there are, that they're i as you think them.,
tipped her head on his, shoulder to study his the dim night glow. he
went on, ' the issue is strength. ' the key. That's what your.

parents have, itig YOU respect. And it's what they're looking for in me,
us. A commitment to what we want in life., want you. I've never been
committed to anything but still they make me feel like I'm doing .

wrong./ k didn't respond at first. When he did, it was a certain
sadness. ' it's not your parents, . I watched them today, watched
them closely. were wary of me, but other than that, they pretty
comfortable here. Maybe it's not them, myou. They represent -something
you want - or - in life. When you're with them you miss tever it is that
is missing. Is it the writing? I rina's first instinct was to argue that
Derek's is was wrong. But it wasn't. So she said,,very apologetically,
"Maybe.' y it's living up here.' ut I love living - I know you do. But
this isn't New York or Francisco. You can love living up here but still
feel A.-Miat's not it/ she said with conviction ... " I I 1s it Nicky?"
it 11 always be Nicky., ;,..r-'But there's more. What is it,
sweetheart?, 11 don't know. I 403 ' is something.' I don't know."
"There is something./ ' don't know.' ' you want something I can't
give - '!, She lifted herself above him. ' give me everything,
Derek. I love you. I don't want anything else." Her voice died, leaving
the vehemently spoken words hanging in the air. A moment later they
dropped. A moment after that, she sank back to the bed. Derek gathered
her close, and the strength of their love, the shared warmth, the heat
of their passion was enough to push doubts and worries aside for a time.

But only for a time. Because things were happening to Sabrina's body
that weren't about to stop. The day after Amanda and Gebhart left,
Sabrina and Derek set out for Washington. Derek concentrated on
escort services, Sabrina on dating clubs. Together they even visited
singles' bars. But after five full days, they came up empty-handed. No
one recognized the man in the picture they showed. Claiming that he
needed a breather to think out the next step, Derek insisted they return
to Vermont even when Sabrina protested. He was worried about her. She
was thinner than ever and too pale. He knew she wasn't sleeping well
because he spent many of his own nights awake. Something was disturbing
her, and he sensed that it went beyond his war with Greer. He was hoping
that the farmhouse would allow him enough quiet time with her to worm
out the source of that disturbance. As it happened, he had cause for
added disturbance himself. During the flight home, he spotted the same
404 been on their plane to and, from Chicago. a coincidence, he told
himself, but that was e watched the man leave the airplane. Over Derek
had found that simple observance of could often provide information that
questions in this case, it was the ease with which the his briefcase.

Derek would have sworn it to worry Sabrina with this latest possible :
was totally nonchalant' in the frequent he tossed toward his rearview
mirror once they airport. He was grateful he'd chosen to fly in t of
Boston, rather than one of the smaller nearer the farmhouse; the greater
the distance, time to lose a tail. there was no tail, at least not one
that he could d when he glanced at Sabrina, he realized that lance had
gone unnoticed. Her mind was away. he Would wonder why he hadn't asked
her and then what was wrong. He had her alone and ied. She couldn't get
up and leave the car or t herself otherwise - not that she'd ever done
held wanted to talk, but he was anticipating t. hindsight, he supposed
that was why he hadn't - precisely because he was anticipating the He
didn't doubt for a minute that Sabrina loved but that didn't preclude
the possibility that she tted who he was and what he'd involved her in.

It possible to love someone and still want to move erent directions; and
he could live with that, as as the direction she wanted to move in
didn't take ay frorq him. since he wasn't sure he'd like her answers, he
405 didn't ask. And by the time they arrived at the farmhouse the
opportunity was lost. Maura was there. That meant nonstop chatter for
the remainder of the day, which would have been all right had not the
chatter revolved around where Derek and Sabrina had been and what they'd
been doing. Derek tried to accept that, as Sabrina's agent, Maura had
just cause for interest. Still, he was uncomfortable. Maura annoyed him,
it was as simple as that. Justin, it turned out, was on the road
conducting interviews for the story on fraudulence in psychiatry for
which Derek had given him the names of several solid contacts. Ann was
holding down the office end, though she wasn't doing it alone, since J.

B. was a frequent presence in the chair beside her desk. And as it
happened, the next morning the bam contingent was augmented even further
when three of Derek's past team members - friends of Justin and Ann
who'd obviously been tipped off by the pair - arrived intent on joining
what they referred to as Derek's Institute for Investigative journalism.

Derek protested that -there was no such institute, then proceeded to
spend the day discussing story ideas, technique and marketing
strategies. When he emerged from the meeting, there wasa color on his
cheeks that hadn't been there before. The color faded, though, when
Maura took his arm and drew him into the living room that night while
Sabrina and the others were talking over the last of three huge pizzas.

q think I've done something terrible/ she said, and he realized that her
usual frenetic energy had taken a turn toward agitation. Her eyes were
skittish, and there wasn't the slightest hint of the smile that was
usually in open possession of her features. ''s about 406 She paused
and frowned, then raised worried ''m not sure how to say this.' rek had
trouble mustering much sympathy. in he had trouble believing her. She'd
never been at for words before. The best he could do was to d himself
that she was his wife's best friend and his tongue. t h e - have you
ever noticed - ' She took a er th and tried again. ' you ever been
aware ?:Spit it out, Maura.' oel Greer. What you're doing could ruin his
career..,.,think he'd do just about anything to make sure you It
succeed.' ould be/ Derek said with caution, momentarily etting his
personal feelings for Maura as he waited ",hear what she had to say.

- the course of your ... work ... on this case, is a chance that
you've been followed?' erek felt the beginnings- of an awful suspicion
.ng at the back of his mind. ' do you ask?' e swallowed. '
pictures your friend Jason ught - the ones of him and the others with
Greer Greer had autographed - there was another man e of thern.' She
clasped her fingers tightly. ' was ard.' ' was silent for a
minute. ' Richard?' She nodded. He couldn't recall a Richard working
closely with r. ' you know what he was doing there?' '. I knew he
was affiliated with one of the nets on an executive level, but he always
evaded the cifics. Except when it came to you.'Disgusted with elf now,
she looked away. ' wanted to talk 407 specifics then, all right. He
wanted me to talk them to @him. About you.' Back braced against the
archway with his hands tucked hard in his pockets, Derek didn't move a
muscle. His gaze was dark and direct, commanding her to explain. ' he
told it/ she said, ' was with the competition. That was why he wanted
to keep tabs on you after you were released from prison. He wanted to
know what you were doing with yourself, whether you were angry,
vengeful, spiteful, whether you were working or thinking of working. He
led me to believe that there was a potential job in it for you, which
was why' - her voice wavered -'why I went along.' ' ' wanted to keep
tabs on me/ Derek repeated. His voice was cool and as taut as his jaw.

"Through you?' She didn't have to confirm it. Even if her expression
hadn't been guilty, held have known. It made sense, explained her
frequent phone calls and visits, the questions that had so gotten on his
nerves. If he hadn't been so busy dealing with the anger of betrayal, he
might have been relieved to learn that there was good reason why she'd
been such a pest. Running a hand around the back of his neck, he ground
out a low, ' can't believe you did that.' ' didn't realize I was doing
anything wrong.' ''re Sabrina's best friend! Is nothing sacred to
YOU21 ' thought I was helping her out.' ' betraying her confidence?

What she told you - what we told you - was said in large part in the
context of the book Sabrina wants to write. You were here not only as
her friend but as her agent. Whatever happened to professional ethics? I
408- stood her ground, regarding him not in deflbut as one who knew that
no argument she gave excuse what she'd done.. I that in her eyes, Derek
turned his head and tried to see it from Greer's point of view. ' the
perfect cover/ he said to the window. had said she wanted to write a
book and you her agent.' He looked sharply back at Maura. much did this
Richard of yours know when he contacted you?' t that Sabrina and I were
good f@iends. He found the rest while we ... were getting to know each
actually dated him/ Derek muttered in ement. was I to know?' she asked
in dismay. ' he sounded goddamned logical to me! It never d to me
that I was being used - well, maybe or twice when I felt he was asking
too many ns about you and not enough about me, but it She frowned at the
floor, ran a palm over the d of her jeans, swallowed hard. ' really
liked he liked you? hand that had been at her waist flew into the h
yeah, that's what he said. He was going to take to St. Martin next month.

He was going to send my way.' She sighed and said more quietly, '
",going to bankroll the first of the spas that I told about. That was
the payoff, I suppose, only I know it was a payoff. I thought he was
doing it he believed in the idea. And because he in me.' She squeezed
her eyes shut for an t. ', I'm a fool.' 409 Derek was studying her
closely. ' really did like him/ he said, then asked almost idly,
"Richard who?' Traling. Only for all I know, that's not his real name at
all.' Fraling. Derek was the one to close his eyes this time. They
remained shut for a brief, tight moment. ''s his real name/ he said,
refocusing on Maura, ' he rarely uses the Richard. The rest of us
knew him as Greg. R. Gregory Fraling. I wouldn't call him Greer's
right-hand man, because he's too low to the ground for that. He's known
for doing the dirty work.'Which was perhaps one of the reasons Derek had
always detested the man. Fraling stayed behind the scenes. He never
soiled his hands, but he did an incredible amount of damage nonetheless.

He reminded Derek of his father. Other than the ghost of a helpless
wince, Maura's expression hadn't changed. But she turned and walked
toward the window, where -she stood with one arm wrapping her waist, the
other crossing her chest. It was then that Derek saw through his anger
enough to realize that she was hurt. As he thought about it, he guessed
she was humiliated as well. For the first time he felt sympathy for her.

Crossing to where she stood, he said more gently, ''s a bastard,
Maura. He's not worth what you're feeling.' She stared silently into the
darkness for a minut , and during that time, studying her face, Derek
realized that she wasn't a beauty. it was makeup that made the most of
her features, playing up some, playing down others. Where that didn't
work, her hairstyle took up the slack, and where that didn't work, the
flamboyann e of her personality took over. Without the flamboyance - and
there was certainly none now - the rest lost something almost through a
domino effect. 410 up at him, she said in a measured tone, married,
isn't he? I rek might have spared her that final pain had already been
out of the picture. But the man d be expecting to see her when she
returned to York. She had a right to the truth. She needed it. He's
married.' pressed her lips together and nodded. ' had a feeling he was.

He never spent more than a or two with me At a time, always said he had
to back to his place in case someone was looking for Whenever I told him
to leave my number with ver it was that might be looking, he made a joke
t wanting to keep my number to himself, and he ed the joke up with' -
she darted a chagrined at the ceiling - ', I never pushed him on it.

er did see his place. He said he liked mine better. restaurants we went
to were always out-of-theand dark - he said he couldn't stand the noise
of ,-known places. He never took me to the ter or to public
functions.' she pressed her @lips together. Spasms of a crossed her
brow. ' signs were all there. I d have known. The bitch of it is that
I've always doing things big and being seen. But with him it different.

I liked the privacy, too. I thought I'd found the right man., was
looking sadly off into the night when she in a weak voice, ' he have
kids?' . debated. Again he yielded. Tour.' ur.' She looked up at
him in pained amusement. st, he's a stud - ' Her voice broke at that and
lost ment. ' I am a fucking fool.' ot a fool, Maura. just human.' 411
"A fool.' She shook her head and breathed a scathing, '! I '
thought it was for real. You were taken in by a pro. He's a con man, a
charmer. That's his job, and he does it well. You aren't the first one
to have fallen for his lines, and you won't be the last.' ' why
doesn't that make me feel better?' she bit off sarcastically, then shook
her head again and said with remorse, ''m sorry. You're trying to help.

By rights you should be furious at me., ''m furious at the situation,
which is nothing new, only now there's another person hurt in the mess."
And that was, in fact, how he saw it. Quite unexpectedly he found that
he was glimpsing not the Maura who was spirited to the point of being
dipsy, but one o craved the same kind of love that her best friend had
found. Derek supposed that another wom in might have betrayed them out
of jealousy, but he knew that hadn't been the case with Maura. She had
simply wanted to be loved, to be protected, pampered, cared for, and
she'd wanted those things enough to overlook warning signs that she
might otherwise have seen. His fingers curved around her shoulder. ''m
sorry you were drawn in.' She shrugged under his hand, then asked in a
small voice, ' much damage did I do? I ' knows for sure that
we're after Ballantine, but he could have learned that easily enough
without you. As for the rest, we haven't gotten anywhere near the files,
so what damage there is is minimal.' ' you been followed?' Derek
told her about the man he'd seen on three of their flights. Maura was
visibly shaken. It was a minute before she'd recovered her composure
enough to say, ' really 412 sorry. If there's danger involved, you have
every to blame me. I know that you never liked me - I never had a chance
to get to know you. you were ays babbling on and on about me., :@Did YOU
Suspect me? When You realized you were followed, You must have wondered
about a leak., ou were U.1 are - Sabrina's best friend. I trusted
;@_%nd I betrayed you., She turned to him with an t expression. ''t
tell Sabrina. Please, Derek, "t tell her. She's all I've got. My parents
are gone. I y had a brother, and he's living with the Eskimos Bay and
couldn't give a flying damn where or what I'm doing. Sabrina is my
family. We have story. She's the only person in my life that knows about
the real me, but if she learns what I've she"ll hate me., e'll
understand., t Maura'was shaking her head. ''ll be disilned.

She'll never trust me again. She'll never trust again.' She held up both
hands. ' it's not I. d0n1t want to lose her as a client, because I
won't on the book again. If Sabrina brings it up, 1,11 tell ti . she'd
be better reoresented by someone I'll leave you two alone, I swear I
will, and I'll be long as I know that I can call Sabrina someor see her
once in a while in New York., closed his hands over hers to still their
"YOU aren't leaving. Sabrina loves you., Ut I've caused so much
trouble.' anyone caused it, I did by. setting my heart on files - or
Greer did, by stealing two years of my or Ballantine did by compromising
himself for ver the reason it ends up to be., 413 ' I've made things
worse. Sabrina will be sick when she finds out.' Iff she finds out. She
doesn't have to. I won't tell her if you don't. But if you pick up
unexpectedly and leave, she'll find out, and she'll be doubly sick."
Maura eyed him skeptically. ' can't actually want me to stay./ Vell/
he drawled with surprising good humor - given what he'd just learned -
'not forever. You were planning to head back to New York anyway in
another two days. That sounds about right., His good humor faded. '
your being here will cheer Sabrina up. She's been a little down lately."
"She does look tired.' ' idea what's bothering her?' he asked with
deliberate nonchalance. He felt a little foolish having to ask his
wife's best friend something that, as his wife's husband, he should know
himself. With a semblance of her usual flair, Maura put him at ease.

"The day Sabrina tells me something before she tells it to you will be
the day Gary Hart becomes a monk.' She frowned and grew thoughtful. '
may be worried about Nicky. She mentioned that she wanted to get over to
see him.' Sabrina had mentioned the same thing to Derek. ' he taken a
turn for the worse? I Maura asked. ' that I know of. I'll have to
take her over this week. The thing is that it always upsets her, and
there's so little I can do to help. It's a no-win situation. Frustrating
as hell.' What was particularly frustrating for Derek was that this time
Sabrina insisted on going to visit Nicky alone. She said that she needed
to do it and turned 414 even his offer to act as her chauffeur and sit
in car during her visit. So his helplessness was compounded. The four
hours was gone were difficult ones for him, and when returned she was
dry-eyed, but quiet and with- . Derek was beginning to think of taking
drastic to make her talk, when she did so of her own

Chapter 17.

The
clock on the bed stand read two thirty-seven, which was three minutes
later than it had been the last time Sabrina had looked. She sat up and
was still for a while, then quietly freed herself from the quilt and
crossed the bedroom to stand at the window. The night was dark and wet.

There was no moon to fight the sky, no snow to serve as a reflector. She
was half-grateful about the last, since she was wanting desperately to
think spring, and rain was a sure sign of that. She'd been feeling
chilly lately. She needed the psychological edge that came with the
warming of the sun. There was no psychological edge to be found at the
window tonight. The tattoo of rain on the roof seemed somehow
disassociated from the pall of darkness that hung heavy and blunt over
the yard. Turning from it, she sank into the nearby bentwood rocker,
drew her knees up under her nightgown and hugged them close. She rested
her cheek on one knee and sat that way for a minute, then turned her
head, closed her eyes and propped her chin on the other knee. Then she
slowly opened her eyes to look at Derek. He was sprawled on his back
with the quilt pulled to a point just above his waist. One arm was
folded beneath his head, bunching that visible part of his chest into a
contoured wall of muscle. He often slept that way. She'd initially
thought it strange until she realized that Derek often fell asleep
thinking - or awoke in the middle of the night and fell back to sleep
416 and since his was a thinking pose, it made se. on this night as she
looked at him she felt a pulling -,inside, and without conscious intent,
she rose from e rocker and returned to the bed. Folding a leg ,"beneath
her, she sat close by his side studying his face. ;@'Alrnost as though
she'd willed it, he slowly opened his eyes. She didn't move.

"Sabrina?'he whispered. She reached for the hand he had laid on his
stomach, and, taking it in both of hers, held it tightly in her lap.

Derek was quickly awake. Something was wrong. There had been times when
Sabrina had woken him in the middle of the night with a kiss here, a
touch there, one caress leading to another; but there was none of that
now, just a desperate kind of clinging to his hand. Sitting up, he used
his free hand to smooth the tangle of hair from her cheeks. ' is it,
sweetheart?, ''m frightened,' she said in a small voice. ' whaw
"Something's happening. I don't know how it could be happening, but I'm
sure it is, and it's scaring me.' He could feel the beat of his blood as
it pulsed through his veins, and the hand that had been stroking her
hair came to a light rest on the back of her neck. ' me what's
wrong. I She held his hand tighter. J think I'm pregnant.' Derek's pulse
tripped. He was sure held misheard. But even before he had a chance to
ask, she was repeating herself.. ' think I'm pregnant. I don't know
how, because I'm using an IUD and it can't come out by itself. It's
always worked before, but my body's doing things only a pregnant body
does.' 417 Derek stared at her shadowed face for a minute before
twisting to switch on the low Lunp by the bed. Vhat things?' he asked
when he was facing her again. ' tired all the time. And nauseated.

That flu I had wasn't the flu. it never developed into anything more
than fatigue and nausea - never any fever or chills - and I still have
it. My breasts feel tighter, like the skin suddenly doesn't fit what's
inside. And I've missed two periods., Jesus/ Derek breathed. He didn't
know whether to be happy or sad, because that depended on which Sabrina
was and he couldn't quite figure it out. Then he was distracted looking
at her breasts, brushing the back of his fingers against one, finding
that it was indeed firmer and wondering why he hadn't noticed sooner.

His eyes flew back to her face. '?, Her features wore every one
of the fears that had been churning inside her since she'd finally
acknowledged the probability. ''ve tried to pretend it wasn't so. When
I missed my period the first time, I told myself that it was my body's
response to all the changes that have happened to me in the last few
months - the physical reaction to an emotional upheaval. And for a while
I said the same thing about the tiredness, then the nausea. I didn't
have either of those with Nicky. But it was so obvious when I missed the
second time. I'm pregnant, Derek, and I don't know what to do! I She had
begun to tremble. He drew her against hino@ dragging the quilt up to
swaddle them both. `1 imagined all kinds of other things, I he said in
an unsteady voice that was muffled against her hair. 11 imagined that
you'd changed your mind about us, or that you were itching to return to
New York, or that 418 found a lump somewhere and didn't want me to know.

Pregnant - pregnant I can handle.' Her cheek was unnaturally warm
against his chest, her hand unnaturally cold on his middle. ' for
you to say. You haven't been through what I have!' 11 know that."
"Before we were married I told you I couldn't have another child. You
knew it. I thought you accepted iv `1 did.' ' can't do it again, Derek.

I love you, but I can't do it again.' ''t or won'tv '. Both."
"Do you want the baby?' ', I want the baby!' she wailed. ''s why
this is so hardv Derek felt a slow elation bum its way through his
system. Arms tightening around Sabrina, he took a deep breath and
commanded himself to speak in a low, calm, confident voice. ' doesn't
have to be hard/ he said. 7he odds are with us. Could be that once you
get through this first rough stage, things will be easy as pie and the
baby will be perfectly formed and healthy and beautiful and bright.' She
pressed her face to his chest. ' God.' ''t you want thaw His voice
was husky this time, because the thought of having a baby with Sabrina
was affecting him deeply. ' know. I do. It's the only thing that's
missing from my life.' She raised her head and met his gaze. Ve've never
talked about that. I'm not sure I've even admitted it to myself before
now. It's too painful, because if I start ihinking of having a baby and
then something happens, I'll be broken. Totally broken.' 419 He took her
chin in his hand. ', you won't. We're in this together. I won't let
that happen., ' don't know what it does - how it feels to have a
child of your own flesh condemned like that., ' happened before was
a genetic mistake. It had to do with the biological mix between you and
Nicholas, but I'm not Nicholas. The biological mix between us is
different.' ' am I going to do?' she whispered. Her eyes were large,
liquid, pleading., His fingers slid to cover the pulse at her neck,
leaving his thumb behind to prop up her chin. ' need to see a doctor.

Do you have faith in yours in New York? I ' particularly.' He stroked
her jaw with his thumb. ' I'll find another one. it'll be easy
enough. A few phone calls. There has to be someone who specializes in
cases like these. He can tell us our options. I think there are tests
they can run.' ' if they find something wrong? ' we abort.' He
hugged her close, rocked her -gently. ' don't want anything to happen
either, Sabrina. Believe me. I wouldn't knowingly put you through that
again, any more than I would knowingly put myself through it. We deserve
happiness. We've earned it. If there aren't any children in the cards
for us, I can be perfectly happy living out my life, just the two of us.

But if we can have kids - that's the frosting on the cake. We'd make
great kids, Sabrina. The farmhouse was made for them. We have the room,
the money and the love.' His voice had dropped to a soothing croon that
matched the gentle massage of his hand on her neck. And though the
tension remained in her body, it 420 It so acute as it had been moments
before. Like- ', her voice was calmer. 11 don't understand how it
happened.' He grinned against her temple. ' and lots of I hard
lovin,.' ' the IUD - ''t foolproof. No method of birth
control is. Maybe someone's trying to tell us something.' Divine
intervention?' ', we sure as hell wouldn't have done it on our own."
He grew quiet thinking about that. ' would be Ipoetic justice in a
sense. One fluke of nature giving what another took away.' He let that
thought mull in the air for a minute then said quietly, ' wouldn't
let me go with you to see Nicky today.' ' had to work something out in
my mind.' ' you?' She took a breath against his chest, inhaling his
scent for the strength it gave her. '. I thought I'd see him and tell
him he was going to have a little brother or sister, and then somehow
he'd give me a sign that it was all right. That he didn't mind, wouldn't
be jealous. That he wanted it and was happy_' ' ...' '
didn't smile for me today. I'm not sure he even recognized me. That
hurt.' ' he fussy?' '. Pretty quiet. I held him and talked to him.

But something's changing there, too. He's not the same, not my own
little boy anymore.' Her voice cracked, but she went on. ' body
doesn't feel the same. It's getting bigger, heavier. And that baby smell
is gone.' She swallowed the knot in her throat. ''s more the Greens'
than mine. It's like I've lost him completely.' 421 ' haven't. You
never will. You're his mother. I'd puv money on the fact that when you
hold him, he knows. Something in his subconscious clicks. I've seen it,
sweetheart. I've seen him fussing, then you pick him up and he quiets
down. It'll probably always be that way- I After a minute, she gave a
conceding shrug. ' what's happening to me? I feel removed from him."
"Maybe you're needing to make a break. Maybe this is a natural
psychological step to help you make that break. Every mother has to let
go sooner or later. Every child gets bigger and heavier. No kid goes off
to school smelling like baby lotion. If Nicky had been perfectly normal,
held be in nursery school now, then kindergarten in another year. You'd
be letting go, anyway.' He held her silently for several minutes before
daring to go on. ''d also be having a second child, if you hadn't
already. And Nicky would be jealous, like most other little big
brothers. You can't feel guilty about wanting another child, Sabrina.

It's not a question of replacing Nicky, because he'll always have a
special place in your heart - and mine, too - and that's how it should
be. But he'd want to have a brother or sister. If he could communicate
with you, held ten you that.' Sabrina's body had grown progressively
lax., Now almost at the point of limpness, she was quiet against Derek,
letting him share her physical weight just as he'd done the weight that
was burdening her mind. He. shifted his head just enough so that he
could see her face. ' here? 11%1111=2 ' I making any sense? '
always do. But fears aren't always rational. Know what my worst one is?"
He shook his head. 422 f4affing again. Only this time it would be you Id
let Derek interrupted her to growl, ' only time you t me down is when
you say things like that, because Is dumb. just dumb. You may
legitimately feel that ay, but it's dumb, Do you think you made this
child a vacuum? Did you make Nicky in one? It takes a and a woman to
make a baby. Why in the hell P uld you blame yourself when- a full half
of the responsibility is mine? But I won't take the blame. Birth defects
are genetic mistakes over which we have Absolutely no control, and I
will not take the blame for something like that. It's insane.

Self-defeating.' Only when he finished speaking did he realize that ,
grip on Sabrina was as harsh as his tone had been. Feeling immediate
remorse, he relaxed both, then soothed her by rubbing his hands on her
back and , gently, ''m sorry, sweetheart. I don't mean to sound
angry, but it upsets me when you talk that way. -You have courage. That
was one of the things I fell in love with. You had the guts to visit me
in prison when few other people would. You had the guts to find a proper
placement for Nicky when you realized you couldn't handle his care
yourself. You had the guts to buy this place and fix it up. Aiad you had
the guts to marry me.' ' guts involved -there/ she murmured. ''m a
sucker for men with dimples.' ' don't have dimples.' ', then.

They're there in your cheeks when you smile a certain way. I like them."
He was pleased to hear that, if a little bemused by the fact that she
was thinking of the grooves in his cheeks when they were in the midst of
a heavy discussion. At least, he was. 423 ' issue here, Sabrina, is
strength. Inner strength. Courage. When I was behind bars, I had times
of utter depression when the only future I could envision for myself was
one in which I faded totally into the woodwork. The thing that saved me,
I suppose, was my anger, and I do believe that was a strength. I made up
my mind that I was going to make it, if for no other reason than to get
Greer; and I won't apologize for that, because the alternative was to
accept defeat and wither into the comer. I have never in my life been
willing to accept defeat.' He paused to let Sabrina comment. When she
didn't, he squeezed her lightly. ' you with me?' '/she hummed
softly. ' ''re scrappers, you and L When we want something in life, we
go after it. What you have to decide is whether you want this baby
enough to do that. No test, no doctor is going to be able to tell-you
conclusively that the baby will be born perfect. They. may be able to
redefine the odds, but ihey can't guarantee a thing.' Again he paused.

Again Sabrina was silent. This time he drew back and looked down at her.

Her eyes were closed, her breathing even. It seemed that, heavy
discussion or not, his wife had fallen asleep. The love he felt for her
surged within him, welling up from his heart into his throat until he
had to work at a swallow. He reshaped his arms to hold her more gently,
more aware than ever that she@'was to be cherished. Sabrina - and his
child. His gaze crept over the gossamer silk of her nightgown to her
breasts, then her belly, and again his throat grew tight. If he could
have Sabrina ... and a child ... for a man who a mere year before had
been wallowing in the dregs of life it was ... incredible. 424 I Held
come a long way since then, and it was largely Sabrina's doing. From the
very first, she'd had faith in him. Even when he'd been at his lowest,
when he felt every bit the convict, then the ex-convict, she'd treated
him like a man worthy of respect. And love. She'd loved him then. She
loved him now. And she carried his baby. Not so long ago, held have
thought himself unworthy of it. By believing in him, Sabrina had made
him believe in himself. Lowering his head over hers, he closed his eyes
and hugged her. His arms trembled when he wouldn't let them squeeze her
as tightly as they wanted, but he didn't want to wake her. She needed
the sleep. He supposed it had something to do with her not sleeping
earlier, or the probability that the pregnancy was making demands, or
the possibility that, God forbid, she'd found his little speech boring.

But what hereally wanted to think was that having unburdened herself,
having shared the news of her pregnancy after worrying about it alone
for so long, she felt better. Curled in his arms, with her hair wild and
her gown caressing her gentle curves, she was the flower child he'd
thought her the very first time they'd met. She had come a long way
shouldering a heavy load. With it removed, she'd allowed herself to
sleep. Sabrina liked the doctor that Derek found. She was a woman, for
one thing, which made Sabrina feelthat she would be more understanding
of the emotions involved in the situation. For another thing, she spent
nearly an hour with them, taking in-depth medical histories, asking
question after question of them both, as if she had no other case as
important as this. She pronounced Sabrina seven weeks pregnant. As for
how it had happened, she looked from Sabrina to 425 Derek and back,
grinned, and said that whatever they did to each other had, apparently,
resulted in heightened fertility, which was the most probable
explanation for their little quirk of fate. Regarding the IUD itself,
she declared that there was more to be risked by attempting to remove it
than by leaving it be, and that it would simply deliver itself along
with the baby in due course. She felt that amniocentesis was in order,
but advised them that not only would that. have to wait until after the
first trimester for the test to be done, but that it would be some weeks
after that before the results came through. Sensing Sabrina's
discouragement, she spent the rest of the visit presenting a remarkably
optimistic picture of the chances for the baby to be perfect. Leaving
her office on that positive note, they spent the afternoon in the Museum
of Natural History. There was something about the antiquity of the place
that put things into perspective. The antiquity and the scope. In
comparison, their -lives and that of a child they might spawn were
insignificant happenings. They didn't talk about the baby. They didn't
talk about much, just walked from room to room, sitting occasionally to
rest, arms linked at all times. That night, looking out over the Hudson
from Sabrina's Manhattan loft after they'd returned from dinner at
Lut6ce, Derek said something that captured Sabrina's dilemma in a
nutshell. ' while ago, yqu told me that you didn't know who you were -
who you were or where you were going. I like to think that's changed,
but I don't know for sure. Has it? I She was quiet for several minutes,
following the lights of a barge as it worked its way through the 426
"Yes and no, I'm your wife. As a source of identity, I like that. I'm
going where you're going, where we're'going. As for me as a writer, you
know what I want. I'm not there yet. I won't be until my next book is
published, and that may be a long way Off., Does it bother you - the
delay?' '. I thought it would, but it doesn't.' She gave him -a
tentative smile. ' take up so- much of my mindtime that I haven't an
awful lot to spare. Besides, if it bothered me, I'd do something about
it. There are other stories I could write. The list I started at the
beginning of the year has grown pretty big in the last two months. Some
of the subjects may be pass6 by the time I get around to doing anything,
but others are timeless. They'll be there, waiting, whenever I'm Jeady."
Leaning sideways against the glass, Derek took in her elegance, not for
the first tim e that evening. She wore a red sequined sheath that fell
in a straight line to a spot just above her knees. Encased in nylon of
thesheerest matching red, her slender legs were perfect for the dress,
as were the high-heeled black patent leather shoes she wore. She'd
gathere4 her hair loosely at the top of her head in a style that set off
the delicacy of her features even as it played up her onyx earrings and
necklace and the overall sophistication of her attire.. But it wasn't
only her attire that he admired. It was 1he alabaster hue of her skin,
the translucence of the pink resting high on her cheeks, the luminosity
of her pale green eyes. And her scent - he adored her scent. It wasn't
slick, spicy or exotic. The jasmine she rubbed mto her skin enveloped
her in the wispiest fragrant cloud. She was stunnin& he thought. Beside
her he felt 427 perfectly plain in his dark suit, dress shirt and
polished shoes - the beast to her beauty. And even then she seemed not
to notice. She looked at him as though he were a prince. Some prince. An
ex-con. A man out for revenge. ' are you?' he heard himself whisper
in awe. She didn't take in the awe, or if she did, she was unaffected by
it. Her mind was on the question, as it related to the events of that
day. ' am/ she said with a sad sigh, ' dreamer. I want the pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow. But does it exist?' she asked, raising
anguished eyes to his. ' if so, what is the price to be paid to reach
it? I There were no answers to her questions, and once back in Vermont,
Sabrina found her greatest salvation in work. When she was busy, she
didn't think about the pot of gold, didn't think about the baby she
wanted so badly but was terrified to bear. Though he could clearly see
What she was doing, Derek was stymied. He could only pamper her so much
before she accused him of smothering her. Damned if he did, damned if he
didn't - he didn't want to mention the baby lest he bring that look of
fear to her eyes, yet in avoiding the subject he let her get away with
doing far more work than he wanted her to do. His friends in the bam
didn't help his cause. They had discovered that Sabrina could take their
notes and write them up in a fraction of the time they'd have taken, and
since she was always there, always willing to work, they took full
advantage of her skills. In that, too, Derek was torn. Sabrina did
better when she worked. Her frame of mind was better. She was obviously
pleased with what she accomplished. But 428 got less sleep - absolutely
refused to rest during day - and seemed to subsist on bi-hourly mini- s
of crackers, canned peaches and yogurt. More than once, Derek called the
doctor in New ork. Though she assured him that Sabrina was strong that
work wouldn't hurt, particularly since little w sical, he continued
to worry. e y time when he felt he had any control over er was when
they were working on his case. They A d taken to keeping those
particular notes and papers : the farmhouse's small second-floor den
whose walls were lined with the built-in bookshelves that Sabrina '
painstakingly stripped and restained. The room , cozy and private. It
was furnished with a long, comfortable leather sofa and a single
matching chair, and it was there that they hashed and rehashed the
Ballantine matter. Only there, and under the guise of his own hunger,
Derek, ply Sabrina with food. Likewise, under "the guise of his own
fatigue, he could coax her into napping. And there, more than once, they
made love, which was the only time Derek knew for sure what was on her
mind. The Ides of March found Sabrina and Derek in Washington again,
this time combing the ranks of the city's private investigators for one
who may have been hired by Greer to get concrete proof that Lloyd
Ballantine had h4d at least one extramarital affair. ' women were
Ballantine's weakness/ Derek explained, ' Greer used it against him,
held had to have had proof. Something hard and condemning.' From agency
to agency they went with Ballantine's picture in hand, but that was
still the only picture they'd seen when they returned to Vermont. Derek
429 was far from defeated. He had other avenues to fol ow and might have
done so immediately had he not wanted to give Sabrina a rest. She was
still unusually tired and suffering from regular nausea, for which she
took nothing. He agreed with her in that, as did the doctor, who hadn't
pushed pills other than vitamins. None of them wanted to introduce
anything to her system that, in even the remotest possible -instance,
could cause harm-. They didn't tell anyone that Sabrina was pregnant. If
the test turned up a problem, they were prepared to terminate the
pregnancy - in which case friends and family would only complicate the
issue. Unfortunately, since the test couldn't be run until Sabrina was
three months pregnant, which was nearly a month off, and since the
results wouldn't be in for nearly six weeks after that, she could well
be showing. Fortunately, her wardrobe was filled with long and
concealing sweaters, and if that didn't work, she was prepared to take a
page from Annie-Fiti's book and dress in multiple loose layers to hide
the bulge. - For all practical purposes, nothing in their lives had
changed. Wary of making an emotional commitment to a child that might
never be, they talked about everything but that; and if there were
periods of tension when neither of them would express their fears, they
gave themselves no choice but to cope. Toward the end of March, Maura
popped up to visit. Actually, she didn't so much pop up as appear
mudspattered and timid at the door when Derek answered it. With little
more than a raised brow at her timidity and nothing at all to
acknowledge the mud - which was inescapable in Vermont in March - Derek
reached 430 clutched a handful of her sleeve and pulled her in ,-Irom
the wind. Since the night of her confession, he come to think
differently of her. He believed that V-1she'd been legitimately duped.

As streetwise as she ,4ounded at times, she was still naive. She didn't
know world as he did. How could she have suspected Aat she was being
used, particularly when she'd fallen for the guy? She'd been hurt, and
for that Derek felt partly to blame. So he pulled her into the house,
took her coat and ha& gestured for her to leave her muddy boots on the
mat, threw an arm around her shoulders and led her in search of Sabrina.

During her three-day stay, she gave Derek only one tense moment. That
was when, in the process of general conversation, she mentioned having
seen Richard shortly before she came north- Derek questioned her on it
as soon as he got her alone. At first, she simply grinned. Then she took
mercy on him and explained herself. 11 thought about it a lot after I
left here last time, and I realized that if I suddenly ended the
relationship, he'd get suspicious. A slow cooldown was called for. But
then, the more I thought about him and about, Noel Greer and what they'd
done to me - and to you and Sabrina - the more angry I got. So I decided
to use Richard right back ... He thinks, I she -said smugly, ' you
and Sabrina are hunting down a hot lead in New Orleans.' ' Orleans? I
Derek asked, then his mouth began to twitch at the comers. ' made
you think of New Orleans?' ' year at this time I'm thinking that
I've missed Mardi Gras again. That's my kind of party, y'know?' Having
reveled his way through more than one 431 Mardi Gras, Derek knew. He
could just uinagmie Maura there. It was her kind of party - so much so
that he promised to fix her up with a wild date there the next year, but
only if she played it safe with Fraling. No more fake leads, or he's apt
to punish you for it/ Derek warned. ''s a snake of a man. just ease
yourself out of the relationship as comfortably as you can.1 Two days
later, though, Maura. called from New York to give Derek the name of the
'exclusive and ultra-discreet' private investigator, the '
investigator's private investigator' who worked out of Arlington,
Virginia, the man Fraling had recommended when she'd told him she had a
friend who wanted condemning evidence against her husband and his lover.

The detective wasn't as exclusive and ultra-discreet as Fraling had
thought. An easy hundred-dollar bill bought the information that he had
indeed once been hired to photograph Lloyd Ballantine in a compromising
position. A second hundred produced the pictures, a third the fact that
the woman with Ballantine had been married to a congressman. A final
hundred produced the woman's name.- Derek and Sabrina felt they'd gotten
a bargain. Without pause they flew on to Tallahassee, where the woman,
Janet Lavine, now happily-divorced, was living. She was an incredible
source. Once assured that her name would never be used, she told of the
affair she'd had with Ballantine - afternoons here, evenings there,
clandestine meetings that spanned a six-month period and ended not
because her husband had found out but because she feared he would. It
seemed that justice Ballantine like his sex kinky. Blindfolds and 432
cuffs she hadn't minded, but riding crops left tale marks on the skin.

Perhaps because she found Derek attractive or ause she felt she was
educating Sabrina or simply the power trip of it, she talked on and on.

She told how she had first met Ballantine, how he had fully guarded
their trysts, how he had found no tasy too wild. When Derek expressed
disbelief, she grew bolder and Trovided him with the names of others
who, if they ' willing to talk would verify what she'd said. The 4if
they were willing to talk' was a critical factor. , all of
Ballantine's women had been married. Some still were. Unfortunately,
Janet Lavine knew nothing about corruption of the court, blackmail, or
the existence of ',,the Ballantine files. On the way back to Vermont,
speeding along in the ' at a smooth seventy miles per hour on 1-93
north of Boston, Derek had a blowout. The car fishtailed wildly, then
veered toward the side of the road. By the time he had guided it into
the breakdown lane and stopped, he and Sabrina were badly shaken. Derek
had never had a blowout before. He didn't understand how it had
happened. His tires were new and of top quality. They were steel-belted
to prevent just such an occurrence. If he didn't know better, he'd have
guessed that someone hidden in the woods had used his tire for target
practice. He said nothing to Sabrina about that suspicion. Even without
it, Sabrina was having a rough time. She was finding that no matter how
hard she worked or how long the hours, she was still thinking a lot
about the baby. She tried not to. She tried to forget that it 433
existed, but her body wouldn't let her. Approaching the three-month
mark, she was feeling some relief from the fatigue and the nausea. in
its place, she felt fat. She knew she didn't look it, knew that no one
could tell, but she could. The small, subtle changes were a constant
reminder of what lay ahead. Since she didn't want to think about that,
she worked harder. A full-fledged member of the team now, she spent
hours working with the others in the bam; and when she wasn't there, she
was in the upstairs den or in the kitchen. With the arrival of April,
she began planning the vegetable garden that she intended to put in the
yard, and there was always another wall to wallpaper or pair of curtains
to make in the house. Sleeping was something she did only when she
couldn't keep her eyes open any longer, and if she awoke in the middle
of the night unable to fall back to sleep - which happened often - she
crept from the bedroom and found something to occupy her mind. Derek
watched and said nothing. Between fear that someone intended him harm
and would have no qualms about wiping Sabrina out with him, fear that
the names Janet Lavine had given him would lead nowhere, and fear that
the Ballantine files didn't exist after all, he was very tense. He
didn't want to upset Sabrina. He didn't want to pressure her. He wanted
to give her the kind of strong, silent support she seemed to want. The
trouble was, he'd never been a master of strong, silent support. Held
always been a talker, a doer - particularly when he felt that someone
was doing wrong. That was how he felt now with Sabrina, but 434 e he
wouldn't let himself say it aloud, the frustration festered. It was
inevitable that at some point he would ,.

Chapter 18.

It had
been a long day. Derek had spent part of it with Jason, trying to work
out the strategy for a story on the use and misuse of surplus political
campaign funds, part of it on the phone trying to contact some of the
women whose names Janet Lavine had given him, and part of it trying to
connect in some way, shape or form with Sabrina. He hadn't been
particularly successful on any of those fronts. He was tired and testy.

Dinner had been a hectic affair, with eight people jumping up and down
from the table and four conversations crossing each other - and having
finally cleared the farmhouse of everyone but Sabrina and him, he wanted
her to sit for a while and relax. ' I'm done here/ she told him as
she wiped crumbs from the table, ''ll just load the dishwasher.' He
went into the living room, threw himself down on the sofa and waited.

After fifteen minutes of brooding that did nothing good for his mood, he
strode back to the kitchen to find Sabrina kneeling on the counter. Half
of the contents of one upper cabinet was beside her. The other half was
pushed every which way on the shelf. ' are you doing, Sabrina?' he
asked. ' can't find the cinnamon/ she answered, shoving aside a box of
rice. ''ve been looking for it all week. Do you remember using it on
toast?' Derek ran a hand across the back of his neck and looked at the
floor as he said, ', I do, not remember 436 it on toast.' He looked at
her. 11 thought you were finishing up in here.' ' done/ she said.

Trying his best to be accommodating, he returned to the living room and
waited another five minutes. '?' he called. '/ she called
back. He paced the floor, spending a bit more patience with each step.

Finally, he whirled on his heel and :,stormed back into the kitchen.

Sabrina had a large "bowl cradled in her elbow and was using a long
wooden @Spoon to stir something that looked suspiciously like -batter.

"What are you doing?' he asked, making no attempt to hide his annoyance.

She spared him the briefest of glances. ' long as I had everything
out, I thought I'd make muffins., imuffins.1 '.'- '
muffins., ' like them for breakfast.' Derek stared at her in
disbelief. ''ve been up since six this morning. You've worked all day
- writing, running to town for food, cooking, writing some more, turning
soil in the garden, running back to town for computer paper, changing
the sheets on the bed, cleaning up in here - and now that it's
nine-thirty at night, you're making banana muffins for breakfast?' She
tipped up her chin. ' there anything wrong with thatv It was just the
invitation he needed - or perhaps just the goadin& since he'd heard a
hint of defiance in her tone - because he dropped all pretense of
indulgence. ', there's something wrong with it/ he said, hands on his
hips, dark brows shelving darker eyes 437 that bore into hers. ''re
doing too much, Sabrina@ You're pushing yourself ten, twelve, fourteen
hours a day without taking a legitimate, do-nothing-but-putup-your-legs
break. Everyone else takes legitimate, donothing-but-put-up-your-legs
breaks, but by the time they're into that, you're into something else.

You're doing too much. It's not healthy.' . ' it is/ Sabrina
scoffed, stin-ing the batter more vigorously. ''re pregnant. You're
supposed to take it easy.' ' doctor said I could do whatever I
wanted.' ' moderation. But you don't know the meani of Ing the word.

What in the hell are you doing - auditioning for superwoman of the
year?' She shot him a scowl but kept on stiffing. ' that thing down/
Derek growled, and before she could do it herself, he was across the
room, taking the bowl from her arm and depositing it none too gently on
the counter. ' - ' ' want to know what you're doing. Are you
trying to wear yourself to a frazzle - wear me to a frazzle watching
you?' ' course not.' ' why are you driving yourself this way?' '
like keeping busy. I've. always kept busy.' ' like this. Not with this
self-inflicted nonstop labor.' ' enjoy it.' ' don't look like you
do. You look tense and intense. You blot out everything else but what
you're working at.' ''s called concentration.' ''s called
neurosis. It's unnatural, given what's 438 ning to your body right now.

What is it, Sabrina? ,"Are you daring that baby to miscarry?' Sabrina
was stunned into silence for a minute, but ,"@only for that. Something
perverse inside her was livid. ',@,,What an idiotic thing to say!' '
it?' he asked, straightening one Iong, ropy arm against the counter.

"Think about it. Since the doctor ,@confirmed you were pregnant, you've
been snowballing - and I'm not talking about your body, because except
for your waist and breasts you're thinner than ever. I'm talking about
work. Each day you take on a little more, then a little more. You dash
from one activity to the next, and I can't believe you get satisfaction
from any of them because you don't give yourself the time to sit back
and smile.' ' get satisfaction - ' ' know what you're doing, Sabrina.

You're running. There's a problem here, and rather than face it you're
running. You're terrified of having that test, terrified of having that
baby, so you're cramming anything and everything into your day to keep
from thinking of how terrified you are. Why can't we sit and discuss it,
for God's sake?' ' because you have other things on your mind/ she
accused. ' it. There is nothing of higher priority in my mind right
now than you and our baby.' '?' she -needed to lash back, and she had
the means. ' that why you grab the Times first thing each morning and
act as though you're thumbing through to get an overall feel for the
news before you read the specifics, when I know that all along you're
looking for word on Greer? I'm half thinking you want him to fly ahead
in the polls so he'll have that much farther 439 to fall when you topple
him. But you don't talk with m6 about that, do you?' ' don't want to
hear. You never liked the idea of what I was doing.' ' accepted it/ she
said quietly. ' knew that you had to work it out in your own way. So
why can't you let me work out my problem my own way?' ' it's not
just your problem, and because I don't like the way you're playing
Russian roulette. That's my child, too. I want it pampered a little."
Sabrina took a small step back. She braced herself against the counter
and tried to look composed. ' think I'm doing a lousy job.' '
- ''s what you're saying. You're telling me that I'm a negligent
mother. You disapprove of what I'm doing.' ', I disapprove. You're
driving yourself too hard. You're risking your own health -and that of
the baby. But I want that baby, Sabrina.' ' you think I don't?' '
you do, you have a strange way of showing it.' She threw a hand into the
air. just because I'm not sitting around with my feet up on the sofa,
I'm not pampering this child, therefore I don't want it. That's
incredible!' ' the child. Think about you. It's not good for you
to be pushing yourself - ' ''m a lousy mother.'That's the gist of your
accusation. As much as you give lip service to the fact that Nicky's
problems weren't my fault, you're not sure. You're afraid I'll do the
same thing - I , . Her words were cut off when Derek took her shoulders
and gave a quick shake. His eyes were dark, the vein at his temple
pulsing. ''s wrong! I'd be 440 you to take it easy even if you, d had
ten other , normal, healthy babies. You're pregnant,
",Sabrina. Pregnant women don't deliberately run themselves into the
ground!' *Tm not doing that.' ' '. And you can -take your hands off
me, unless -,you're planning to shake me again - which would reafly make
mockery of your concern for my @hysical condition.' only then did Derek
realize how his fingers were biting into her skin. Straightening them,
he lifted his palms from her shoulders, held up his hands and stepped
away. ' think/ he said tightly, ' we have a communication problem
here. I love you. Yes, I'm worried about your physical condition, but
I'm also worried about your emotional state.' Her insecurities crowded
in on her. ' think I'm unstable.' ' course I don't/ he muttered.

@But face it. You've been through an ordeal with one child and now
you're pregnant again. Any woman would be tense. I think that you are
under a perfectly understandable strain ' I can't handle it. Is that
it? Well, let me ten you something, Derek/ she said. ''ve handled far
worse than this. What makes you think I'll crack? Or is it the macho
male viewing the weak, shriveling female?' Derek glared at her, then
drove his fingers through his hair, which fell right back to his
forehead. He didn't seem to notice. ', this is amazing. It's
getting worse. I try to talk with you,, and you twist every word. it's
like I'm walking on eggshells around 441 here and every goddamned one of
them is cracking., He fumed as though to leave, then turned back. ''ve
been trying to take cues from you. I haven't talked much about the baby
or your fears because I haven't wanted to upset you more - okay, maybe I
have some fears of my own about the baby, and I don't want to think
about them either, but ignoring it is getting us nowhere fast. Because I
think about that baby anyway Iand I know you do, too - so not discussing
it is useless. Maybe we're doing this all wrong. Maybe we should be out
walking through baby departments looking at bibs and booties and
whatever else parents-to-be look for.' ' can we do that/ Sabrina
cried, ' we don't even know if I'll carry to term? If that test
shows something wrong - I '!' Derek boomed, gray eyes afire
with indignation. ''s where you're wrong! You are assuming that
something's going, to be wrong, when the chances are so, so slim of that
happening.' The frustration he felt was painful, and his expression
reflected that. ' say you're a realist, Sabrina, but if that were so,
you'd be looking at the statistics and jumping for joy in anticipation
of having a healthy baby. The statistics are in our favor, and if
statistics aren't real, what are? Why in the hell do you look at the
dark side?' Shades of old arguments flickered in and out of her mind.

Nick calling her an alarmist. A pessimist. A purveyor of doom. ',"
she told Derek in a shaky voice, ''s just the way I am.' ' hell
it is/ Derek burst back. ' are a strong, sensible woman, only you've
been burned once and now you're so afraid of going all out for happiness
and losing it that you're taking chances. Is it superstition? 442 .,.'DO
you somehow feel that if the baby manages to survive you it'll he
strong? Or are you really inviting it to up and abort itself?' Unable to
listen to his words, yet unable to move on legs that f It rubbery,
Sabrina lowered her head and covered her ears with her hands. ' don't
want to hear thisii she mumbled to her chest. ' can't. I didn't ask for
this situation. I didn't ask for the anguish a second time through. Damn
it, I don't deserve it - ' cried, dropping her hands and raising her
head. But all she saw was Derek's back. Seconds later, the door slammed
behind him as he disappeared into the night. Sabrina waited for two
hours. Wandering apprehensively from the kitchen to the living room and
back she waited for Derek to return. With each passing minute of his
absence, a hollowness grew inside. An emptiness. An intense feeling of
being alone. Heedless of the fact that it was nearly midnight, she
climbed up the stairs and knocked softly on J. B.'s door. She knew he
was there; at the end of his book, now, he'd been catching a few hours'
sleep in the house each night before returning at dawn to work in the
bam. As badly as she felt over disturbing him, she needed to talk with
someone close. J.B. was her flesh and blood. He'd forgive her the
intrusion. Quietly,'she opened the door and peered into the darkness. J.

BY she called softly, unsteadily. J. BY But it was Ann who rose silently
from bed, a waiflike figure in a long flannel gown. Casting a glance
back at B. Is inert form, she tiptoed to the door. ' God/ Sabrina
whispered, feeling like an utter fool. ''m sorry. I hadn't realized-"
Ann put a finger to her lips, turned to grab a shawl 443 from the nearby
chair and slipped into the hall, closing the door behind her. ''s
really exhausted/ she whispered. Taking Sabrina's arm, she led her to
the stairs and drew her down onto the top step. For a minute neither
woman spoke as they sat in the half-light from below. Then Ann said,
"You didn't know?' Sabrina, who was surprised enough by what she'd just
discovered to escape from her own worries, shook her head. ' should
have, I suppose. When he's not working, he's with you.' ' have
nightmares, awful nightmares, and when that happens it's worse if I stay
in bed, so I get up and walk around.' She was talking softly, quickly, a
little nervously. ' was how J.B. and I got to talking. Out in
the'barn in the middle of the night. He has nightmares, too., J. B3'
Sabrina asked, startled. ', not so much now, but he used to have
them, so he knows what it's like. When he's working, his mind is
always on, so he has trouble sleeping. That was why he was up.' J.B.

has nightmares? J.B. always caused nightmares. I never knew he had
them.' ', when he was a child.' Ann had her arms wrapped around
her knees and the shawl wrapped around her arms. She looked pensively
toward the bottom of the stairs, then, as though reaching a decision,
began to talk very softly and more slowly. ' never told anyone - I
take that back - he told his father once, and his father said that
nightmares were in the mind and could be easily controlled and that J.

B. could do that if he tried. He did try, but the nightmares kept
corning.' She smiled sadly, almost apologetically. ' were 444
nightmares, one very different from the next. He, d an over-fertile
imagination with no other outlet. t he was embarrassed. He thought
something was wrong with him because he couldn't make them go ay, so he
kept them to himself ' didn't tell anyone. then he found his own way
of coping., Sabrina didn't have to ask what that was. ' think him
strange, I Ann said, turning to face er, ' they don't understand
that-deep down inside @,bne part of him is still that little boy making
stories up out of fear. What's incredible is that he's managed turn that
fear into fame and fortune. He faced the ,,nightmares andused them to
his benefit. I respect him ,@,'for that., Sabrina hadn't known that J.

B. had nightmares! Ann whispered out a nervous laugh. ' also think I
love him, but that's beside the point.' ', it's not/ Sabrina said,
feeling something lovely ,"and warm *inside. ''s because you love him
that you 1@understand him. I love him, but in a different way. tie never
told me about the nightmares. He never explained why he did what he did.

I wish I'd known.' ' things have been different if you'd known?"
Sabrina considered that, then gave a confused shrug. ,,'I don't know.

Maybe I could have helped him somehow. He's lived through a lot of
lonely years. Maybe that wasn't necessary.' ' like to think it was/ Ann
said, ' I know that sounds cruel, but it shouldn't. J.B. has had to
fight a lot of private demons. He's still fighting them, but he's a
strong man in his way. A little boy with nightmares, but a strong man.

Self-contained, but still needing someone.' Her voice fell to a shy
whisper. Iff it hadn't been for those lonely years, I doubt I'd have
climbed 445 from his bed just now.' She slanted a timid glance at
Sabrina. ' you know what I mean?' Sabrina thought she did. Ann was
bright and energetic, but an introvert to some extent - as was J.B.

Given her interest and aptitude in the kitchen, she was also proving to
be something of a homebody, which was perhaps just what J.B. needed. He
had met Ann at a point in fife when he was realizing that. So good had
come from the pain .'.. just as Sabrina's relationship with Derek had
been forged when they'd both been in hell. Ann was suddenly looking
downstairs. Following her gaze, Sabrina watched Derek step through the
front door. He looked up, saw the two women, stopped. Without a word,
Ann stood. She put a hand on Sabrina's shoulder and gave it a gentle
squeeze that revealed far more than Sabrina had, then returned
soundlessly to J.B. Alone on her step, Sabrina sat for what seemed an
eternity. She watched Derek watch her, ached for him, ached for herself.

At the height of their argument, he'd said that he loved her. She hadn't
said the words, but she should have, because - looking down at him now,
feeling every inch of the distance that separated them - she knew that
she loved him and always would. What frightened her most was the
knowledge that if it hadn't been for the pain she'd suffered with Nicky,
they'd never have met. He was handsome standing there dressed so
incongruously in a leather bomber jacket and sweatpants. With his dark
hair disheveled, his jaw shadowed, his eye bracketed by the scar, he was
formidable. He was also strong, principled, gentle, amusing and
vulnerable in turn. She couldn't conceive of life without him. Rising
from the step, she started down the stairs at a 446 e that didn't falter
until she was sliding her arms around his waist, burying her face
against his throat. ,,She felt him complete the circle and sagged a
little in hef, but his arms tightened in ready support, as she'd wn they
would. And then he bent his head and to nuzzle her cheek until, raising
her face, she -met his mouth. @ His kiss was gentle, but deep and filled
with the apology he wasn't offering aloud. Traming her face with his
hands, he drew back, then kissed her from Another Ingle, then another.

Each kiss was slow, ., intimate. He used his tongue to enunciate
dozens of silent words, none as meaningful as the look he gave her when
he held her back for a minute. I love You, his eyes said, and then he
kissed her again. Her mouth, her chin, her nose, eyes, forehead - he
took his -turn with each, and when he was done, he gently lifted her in
his arms and carried her into the bedroom. Without aword, he set her
down by the side of the bed and tossed the quilt aside. Then he turned
to her, caged her face and took her mouth with greater force, greater
hunger and need. Sabrina thrived on all three. She'd been feeling down
well before her argument with -Derek, and the argument hadn't helped.

She knew that she was her own worst enemy. Derek hadn't had to suggest
that she was behaving irresponsibly; she'd known it herself, had been
feeling guilty about it but helpless to change. Where the baby was
concerned, she was ambivalent. She wanted it, she didn't want it.

Ambivalence characterized much of what she'd done lately. There was
nothing ambivalent, though, in the love Derek offered. Lips clinging to
hers, he shrugged out of his jacket, unbuttoned his shirt and cast it
aside, then went for the hem of her sweater. They parted for only 447
the few seconds it took to slip the sweater over her h6ad, then came
back together, this time with their bodies bare from the waist up and
touching. Hands splayed across her back, Derek worked her in a subtly
undulating circle that dragged her breasts - fuller now and more
sensitive than usual - against his chest. And all the while he kissed
her, moist open-mouth kisses that weakened her knees as surely as his
raw, masculine scent drugged her. She tried to say his name, tried to
tell him that she was on fire, that she needed more, but no sound came
out. All she could do was tug at the drawstring at his waist with one
hand while the other slid down the front of the soft sweatpants to shape
his sex. He moaned, strained closer, cupped her bottom and increased the
pressure that way, but it wasn't enough. His breath was coming roughly
as he backed her down to the bed. Sabrina helped him then. Impatient to
feel something strong and hard filling emptiness inside, she untied the
drawstring and pushed the sweatpants to his thighs. He did the rest,
twisting to free himself without, taking his eyes from Sabrina's. Eyes,
mouth, hands - something had to be always connecting to compensate for
the few hours, just passed, when they'd been apart. Hands around his
neck, Sabrina raised her hips to Derek's tugging at her jeans. She had
barely kicked them from her feet when his long frame came down between
her legs. then it was surging up and he was inside. She sighed, arched
her back to maximize the sensation of his filling, wrapped her legs
around his waist. For a long time, Derek's hips were still. Only his
head moved, guided by Sabrina's hands in his hair. He 448 hot, hungry
kisses over her face, down her neck, her shoulders and upper arms. Then
he took her t into his mouth and drew on it with a firm, ng sucking
motion. To say that his lovemaking was healing was to tell y half the
truth. What he healed with his mouth he inflamed with his hands, and
when the rest of his y joined in, Sabrina sizzled. They made love the
way they were - Sabrina warm jud giving, defiant and fire-filled, Derek
with a streak gentleness, a streak of challenge, a streak of dark sion
that stopped just short of danger. They compented each other, brought
out the deepest, the ttest, the best. But if there was an added fury to
their lovemaking, ,,.it was the only sign of where they'd been that
night. A fter they'd erupted in mind-numbing climax, then owly returned
to awareness, they fell asleep in each therls arms without a word. 1he
next day they left for Cleveland, where another of Lloyd Ballantine's
paramours lived. After telephoning "two who had unequivocally refused
to be interviewed, this one had agreed with caution, Derek hadn't wanted
to give her time to change her mind. Derek had a qualm or two, namely
the safety factor involved in traveling with Sabrina. If, in fact, a
sniper .,had taken potshots at his car, she was in danger simply' by
being with him. He was alert. Even at the farmhouse he was alert. But
there'd been nothing amiss ..there, and he saw no sign of a tail on the
road. As a precaution, he'd made their travel arrangements under an
alias - which bothered him only in that his parole officer wouldn't
approve. But he felt he had just cause. More than once he wondered if he
was playing his 449 own form of Russian roulette by taking Sabrina
along. But time was passing, and he needed those files. Only when he had
them in hand would he be able to tackle the emotional issue of Sabrina's
pregnancy. Besides, he wanted Sabrina away from the farmhouse and the
many jobs she managed to drum up. So they flew to Cleveland, where they
quickly learned why Cynthia Conroy had agreed to the meeting. After a
few minutes of introductory chitchat during which she apparently deemed
them worthy confidants, Cynthia poured out a story that rivaled the one
told by Janet Lavine. Cynthia had been married to a career army man
assigned to the Pentagon when she'd interviewed to clerk for Ballantine.

She had her law degree. She was qualified. But something happened during
the interview - and it was mutual, she was quick to add. Taking a job
elsewhere, she'd begun meeting Ballantine at odd hours in one hotel or
another. He'd excited her. And she had the perfect cover. Yes, his
sexual tastes were a bit unusual, but she'd been finding her husband
borin& so she hadn't minded. If Ballantine was rough sometimes, that was
part of the lure. Knowing who and what he was had always given her a
compensatory measure of assurance. After four months, he'd moved on to
another woman. But she'd been hooked. Three months after that, her
husband found her in bed with the house painter held hired the week
before. They separated soon after, then divorced. Since then, the bulk
of the money she earned practicing law went to the therapist she saw
twice a week. Cynthia was angry. Eight years after the fact, she was
still angry at Lloyd Ballantine, angry at the mess he'd stiffed up in
her life. 450 o, she'd never seen nor heard of a set of private es that
the min had kept. Nor did she know anything t his having been corrupt.

She'd always thought the epitome of righteousness on the bench. Off
bench, he was something else. The one thing that amazed her, she said,
was that held never been sed as the womanizer he was - pretty
remarkable, claimed, given that held fathered an illegitimate ter. e
small children hearing the reindeer's hooves on roof, Derek and Sabrina
had trouble containing cir excitement after leaving Cynthia Conroy.

"Solid, I Derek said as they walked briskly to the car. t's solid. What
more perfect a lever in Greer's hand an illegitimate child. Women,
Ballantine could e denied. They came and went in his life. A child -
child stays. It would be the kind of scandal that no . no married man
would want, least of all a justice the United States Supreme Court. If
Greer had ehow learned about the child and threatened to ose her
existence - which would have led to expoure of the whole sex thing - I'd
bet Ballantine would more than willing to deal.' He opened the car door
r Sabrina. ' where are the files?' she asked, slipping into the t,
then looking up at him. ' you really think the other would have them?"
"We have nothing to lose by asking/ he said. Bracing ne hand on the roof
of the car and the other on the Aop of the door, he leaned down.

"Ballantine's wife esn't have them. His kids don't. I've called his law
lerks, his secretaries, his partner during the years he was in private
practice, those men who were closest to him in the justice Department -
not a one claims to 451 know of the files' existence. That could mean
either that they don't exist after all, or that they're hidden away safe
and sound.' Straightening, he closed the door, rounded the car and slid
behind the wheel. ' about it. if you'd been Ballantine, if you had
a child whose paternity you had to deny, if you felt guilty about that
and wanted to do something extra for that child, what better way than to
give her a firecracker to beat all firecrackers and let her light it
when and if she saw fit? You know what the publishing world is about.

Those files would be worth a cool million as the basis for a biography,
and what better person to either write or co-wtite it than one of
Ballantine's blood kin?, Sabrina was still reeling from knowledge of the
child. ' you think Cynthia was on the up-and-up?' ' knew we'd check
things out.' ' if Greer paid her to mislead us?' ' would mean
he's one step ahead of us, and if that were so, we'd have sensed it from
some of the others we've spoken with. They'd have been more uneasy.

Cynthia would have been more uneasy. But she wasn't uneasy. just
angry..And she volunteered that information. If Greer had paid her, she
would have simply acted dumb. But she gave us a name.' He frowned. '
she didn't use it herself to blackmail Ballantine when he dropped her is
beyond me.' Sabrina was perhaps more able to understand the female mind.

"There's a fine line between hatred and love. She may have despised
Ballantine - and still despise him - but adore him a little at the same
time., Derek was perplexed. -Why Ballantine told her in the first place
is beyond me.' ' said he was really depressed one night. Crying.

Maybe he had to tell someone or he'd burst.' 452 Derek sighed.

"Certainly does add fuel to the suicide theory - depression, guilt,
fear.' They sat for a minute in silent contemplation of the ',,emotional
low required for that. Needing to think ,,more positively, Sabrina
asked, ' we head for ',S. eattle?' ' head for Seattle.' He turned his
full attention on her. ' you up to it?' They were getting close. She
could feel it. And the more involved she was, the better she -felt. ''m
up for @it/ she said with a smile. In her mid-forties, attractive,
petite and soft-spoken, , Farrell was the least probable-looking
candidate for a kinky sex liaison that Sabrina, for one, would ever have
expected to find. Derek, too, was slightly unbalanced, for in the
well-modulated tone of her voice, the gentleness of her eyes, the
features that radiated a quiet inner strength, Gayle reminded him of
Sabrina. @ Still, he conducted himself with the same aplomb that never
failed to amaze Sabrina. She wasn't sure if it ' the eloquence of his
eyes, the temptation of his smile, the deep and flowing timbre of his
voice, but something about him inspired people to talk. She half
suspected that, despite Derek's claim to the contrary, it was the fact
that, dressed in blazer, tie and slacks, he was once again the Derek
Mcgill of Outside Insight, all dashing good looks and prestige. And
talent. As an interviewer, his instincts were faultless. He knew when to
talk softly, when to laugh, when to . or prod or accuse or back
off. Much later, Derek was to say that the time had been right, that
Ballantine's death was just distant enough, that the Janet Lavines, the
Cynthia Conroys, the Gayle 453 Farrells of the world were simply ready
to talk and would have done so regardless of who had been at the door.

Sabrina chose to credit Derek with the coup. Gayle Farrell felt no anger
toward Lloyd Ballantine. Though she'd been married at the time of the
affair and the marriage had fallen apart soon after, she felt she had
emerged a far stronger woman. on her own, she had taken a job at a bank
and worked her way from teller to vice-president, something that would
never have happened if she'd been married. Sabrina and Derek exchanged
puzzled glances before looking back at Gayle. When Derek dared ask about
the child, Gayle smiled - that serene smile of hers that reminded Derek
so much of Sabrina - and said that she had the best of both worlds, a
rewarding career and a wonderful daughter, but that if they wanted to
meet Alexis they would either have to wait a month until the semester's
end or travel East. It seemed that Lloyd Ballantine's illegitimate child
wasn't eight or nine or ten years old, is Derek and Sabrina had
expected. Alexis Farrell was nineteen and finishing her freshman year at
Yale. Gayle didn't have the files, of course. If anyone did, Derek and
Sabrina reasoned, it was Alexis. So they flew back to Boston, retrieved
the Saab and headed for New Haven. They took the shore route, which,
though longer, allowed for regular detours that would shake a tail; but
there was a dual purpose, to it. The shore route was more scenic, more
relaxing. With tension building alongside anticipation, Derek needed
that as badly as did his pregnant wife. One of the most incredible
things was the physical resemblance between Alexis Farrell and the man
in 454 photograph that Sabrina carried in her large leather shoulder
bag. There was no doubt that Lloyd Ballantine 1@ @'had fathered Alexis.

Nor did she deny it. Though every bit as soft-spoken as her mother,
Alexis had neither the maturity nor the serenity. She was a serious
young woman who walked the campus alone, and she was distinctly wary of
Sabrina and Derek. ' don't understand why you're here/ she said. She
was leaning against a broad tree trunk in the quadrangle where they'd
finally reached her, and looked a little cornered. ' one ever
approached me before. No one ever cared who my father was. Why now? Why
at all?' Strangely, while Derek had been perfectly comfortable using a
cover in his dealings with the others ' he felt a compulsion Ao go
with the truth on this one. ', because I've just now learned of your
existence. At all, because it needs to be done. We suspect that a very
powerful man had illegal dealings with justice Ballantine. Ballantine's
gone, but that man isn't, and he is about to gain even more power unless
we learn the truth. The only way we can learn the truth is through a set
of files that we were told exists.' ' papers were left to the
University of Chicago.' ' were his official papers. These are
different. They detail those illegal dealings.' ' illegal
dealings/ Alexis said. Derek stood corrected by the young woman he now
saw to be sharp as well as bright. ' illegal dealings. Lloyd
Ballantine was your father. You may hate his guts for never having
acknowledged you, but he was your father. We have conclusive proof that
he led a double life, and everything points to the fact that he
committed suicide. If he did that, he had to have 455 cause. Fear of
exposure through blackmail would have bei@n a strong enough one to do
it.' Alexis hugged the armload of papers she held closer to her chest as
she looked from Derek's face to Sabrinals. ' I don't understand why
you've come to me. I didn't even know the man was my father until after
he died. How can I possibly help you?' Ve thought that your father may
have left you those files/ Sabrina said. Vhy would he do that? I Alexis
asked quickly. Derek answered in a low, calm voice. ' give you
something of value. To make up for all he hadn't done for you during his
life.' But Alexis was shaking her head. ' don't know anything about any
files, and even if I did, what would possibly be in it for me if I
turned them over to you? I ' was your father. If you hated him, you'd
be pleased to see his dark side exposed. If you loved him, you'd want to
see the demise of, the man who brought him to his knees.' ' what's in
it for you?' It was a minute before Derek answered. ' personal
satisfaction that I think, if you try, you can understand/ he said. ''m
an investigative journalist. TMhe same man who I believe blackmailed
your father was indirectly responsible for a man being killed and
directly responsible for my spending two years in prison. I didn't like
being there. But I like to think - in my more positive moments - that
things like that happen for a purpose. Believe me, I've had trouble
finding a purpose for my spending two years in jail - other than to put
the fire under me to go after those files.' He paused, eyed her
assessingly, tipped his head and 456 challenged her by sayin& ''re
young. You're idealistic. What if I were to say that my wish is to spare
this country another corrupt leader? I ''d say/ Alexis answered, '
if you were young and idealistic, I iould buy it; but at your age I'd
assume your real interest is revenge.' Stifling a chuckle, Sabrina
looked at Derek. ''s- a toughie, this one is.' '/ he drawled in
the spirit of the thing, ' so am P He turned back to Alexis. rwhat do
you say? Want to help me spare this country another corrupt leader?' But
Alexis wasn't quite into the spirit of the thing. Again she insisted
that she knew nothing of either the files' existence or location. And
though, between Derek and Sabrina, they reiterated each of the arguments
and made their most poignant pleas, she stuck by her claim. They knew
she was lying. They didn't know how - and maybe it was desperation,
because without Alexis Farrell's cooperation they were back at square
one - but they knew it. Still, they couldn't tie her to the rack and
torture her until she confessed. The best they could do was give her the
name of the hotel where they'd be spending the night, then give her
their Vermont address, should she want to talk more. That night, Sabrina
and Derek were more discouraged than they'd been since they started
their search. They had run into a brick wall in the form of a
nineteen-year-old coed, and they weren't sure how best to break through.

The only thing they were sure of was that they weren't giving up.

Apparently, Alexis Farrell sensed that. Or maybe it was hatred or love,
or a night spent soul-searching. Or maybe she was every bit as young and
idealistic as 457 Derek had suggested she was. Whatever the case, she
phoned the hotel early the next morning and, shortly before nine, met
Derek in the lobby and handed him the Ballantine files. Neither of them
saw the man who folded his paper, rose from his chair and headed for the
bank of public phones.

Chapter 19.

The atmosphere at the farmhouse
was euphoric. Not only had Derek and Sabriua returned victorious, but
the fledgling institute for Investigative journalism had sold its first
three stories. And to top that, J.B. had finished his book. It was J.

B. who formalized the celebration, inviting everyone to be his guest `;07.' for
dinner at a nearby inn, elegant and expensive. And that was only the
start of the evening. Later, back in the bam with the precious papers
stowed safely away, Derek and Sabrina, 1. B., Ann and Justin and the
three others who rounded out the crew raised glasses to toast their
success. it was well after midnight when the last of the laughter had
faded away and the liquor had taken its toll. Everyone was asleep -
except Sabrina, who hadn't had more than half a glass of the stuff. She
was wide awake. Her body was at rest, quiet beside Derek's sprawled
form, but the motor in her mind wouldn't stop. She was reliving that
day, reliving the moment of realization that the files were finally
theirs, reliving the excitement of reading them 4nd finding in them
evidence against Noel Greer as incriminating as they had hoped. But her
mind didn't stop there. It worked through the writing of the story,
worked through the possible markets and the timing of the release. Then,
of its own accord, it switched gears and considered the baby. The test
was scheduled for the following week, and then the real waiting would
begin. 459 Sabrina thought about J.B. Is courage in fighting his
nightmares. She thought about Derek's courage in fighting Noel Greer.

And then she thought about something else - what Derek had told Alexis
about things happening for a purpose. Nicky's fate was tragic, but did
the experience have its up side? Was she a stronger person for it? Was
her relationship with Derek stronger, her love for him greater after
what she'd been through with Nick? And were the feelings she had - yes,
she had them - for the child forming in her belly different from those
she'd felt for Nicky? Would she be appreciating this child, treasuring
each small sign of growth, savoring each step in its development that
much more? Would she be smelling the roses of life, really smelling them
for the very first time? Shaking herself free of those thoughts, she
closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but the thoughts returned. Derek ...
1. B ... Ann ... Alexis ... were they that much bolder than she?

Sensing that sleep was a long way off and needing a diversion, she crept
from bed, threw a robe over her nightgown and a shawl over that and left
the room without waking Derek. The back door creaked beneath her hand.

She left it ajar as she darted across the moonlit path to the bam.

Moments later, she returned carrying the Ballantine files. With the
softest beam of light coming over her shoulder, she sat reading them in
the ' for hours. Periodically, she stopped to jot down notes to
herself, but for the most part she simply read and reread, studied
and thought. it was nearly three in the morning when her eyes grew too
heavy to do more. Locking the files in the cabinet by the desk, she went
back to bed. 460 Shortly before dawn, a loud banging on the bedroom door
brought her awake. '! Derek, Sabrina!' Sabrina was struggling to
get her bearings when Derek stirred beside her. Vake up, you guys!' Ann
yelled, banging harder. ' barn's on fire! I ' Christ/ Derek
murmured. After a second's fight with the sheets, he was on his feet
racing to the window. One look and he was back, grabbing for his
clothes. '. Holy shit.' He hopped on one leg to thrust the other
into his cords, then teetered and nearly fell when he reversed the
procedure. ' of them are dead to the world out there.' As wide
awake, as Derek now, Sabrina yelled, ''re upv to Ann, then reached for
the phone and dialed in the alarm. Derek was out the door by the time
she turned back. Grabbing her robe, she pulled it on as she ran after
him. It was arson. Even before the fire marshal declared it so, Derek
knew. There had been no slow trail of smoke to alert the sleepers.

The fire had started suddenly and burned quickly -7 with the inferno
centered at the front of the bam where the offices were clustered. It
was set by a master and had been designed to destroy the papers and
files while giving those asleep in the rear rooms chance to escape. They
-had @tscaped., Derek thanked God for that. Justin, Jason, Denice and
Bill - all safe, if stunned. The only casualty was J.B. who raced into
the barn to rescue his book and any other papers he could reach before
the heat had grown too intense and the rafters had threatened to
collapse and Derek's hand on the back of his pants had hauled him out.

He had been @461 burned where his shoulder had hit a smouldering beam,
but other than that he'd been lucky. The barn itself was a total loss.

By the time the engines arrived, it was completely engulfed in flames.

The best the firefighters had been able to do was soak the house and the
surrounding trees to prevent spread of the flames. Now, covered with
soot and devastated, Derek stood among the charred ruins. It was
mid-aftemoon. The flames had long since burned themselves out, and what
few persistent sparks may have been missed by the firemen's hoses had
been doused by the falling rain. It was a gentle rain, an April rain.

The air would have smelled of wet earth and growing things had it not
been for the overpowering stench of smoke. The waste of it all tore at
him, making him want to scream at the pain he felt. J. B.'s book was
singed but intact. One of the reports had been rescued. Everything else
was gone. Gone. All that was left was self-recrimination. He should have
installed a sprinkler system in the barn, or a more elaborate fire
alarm. He should have bought a guard dog when held suspected Greer was
on his trail. He should have purchased the motion sensor he'd seen, the
one that automatically tripped floodlights outside at the first sign of
movement. He should have - should have, damn it - copied those files and
stashed the originals elsewhere. But it was too late. No amount of
self-recrimination would restore what had been lost. For Ann and Justin,
Bill, Jason and Denice, the loss was a minor setback. For him, it was a
major defeat. Muttering a vile oath, he kicked at the debris by his
feet. The barn itself didn't matter. Hell, he'd already thought of
buying one of the old Victorian houses in 462 town and shifting the
offices there. Held even thought of converting a second one into
apartments for the staff . He wanted privacy for Sabrina and himself.

Where teamwork was concerned, enough was enough already- No, it wasn't
the barn that hurt. It was the files. Dejectedly, he looked around.

Sabrina would be back soon. He'd deliberately sent her to the hospital
with Ann and J.B. to keep her safely occupied, -but she'd be back. He
had to get his act together before then, had to know what to say. But
what could he say? Hey, don't sweat it, it was only a bunch of papers.

So what was a little extra work on our part - we got to see the country,
didn't we@ Okay, so Greer is elected, so what? We've had worse men than
him calling the shots. What's that you say? Revenge? Revenge? All for
nothing. The thought sank deeper and deeper, increasing his torment. All
for nothing. It had been his mterest in the files that had first roused
Greer, his interest in the files that had led to a man's death and to
his own trial, conviction and imprisonment. The pain, the fear, the
boredom and frustration and fury - all were for nothing. The files
-@rere gone. Squeezing his' eyes shut, he bowed his head, pressed his
fists to his temples and let out a low, savage sound that filtered into
the air and grew mournful as it hung over the ruins of the bam. Slowly
it faded. Derek let his fists fall to his sides. He raised his head and
opened his eyes to the bleakness he felt. "My sympathies, Mcgill,' came
a voice from behind. Derek froze. He stared straight ahead, recognizing
the voice, refusing to believe that the voice he recognized was there.

But just asthe charred remains before 463 him weren't about to
rematerialize into something useful; so the voice came again. ''s a
terrible loss for your new enterprise, but you'll rebuild. You'll go in
different directions, that all.' Dropping his gaze, Derek took one
breath, then another. Then, slowly he raised his head and turned. The
man he faced was in his fifties, tall and remarkably well built. His
skin was as tanned as always, his silver hair - sheltered from the rain
by a large black umbrella - as impeccably groomed. He wore the kind of
country clothes worn by those who wanted only to look the part not play
it. With his legs planted in a wide stance, his chin set and his mouth
slanted smugly, he was as arrogant as ever. ' are you doing here,
Greer?' Derek asked in a low, venomous voice. Greer was undaunted. He
smiled. ' spreads fast. Word of the fire came over the wire just
before noon. I said to myself, poor Mcgill, life hasn't been going his
way lately, and I thought that maybe for old times' sake I'd fly up and
offer my help., He looked around at the farmhouse, then the lake and the
trees. '.' Derek clenched his jaw. ' were people in that bam."
At that Greer did look properly disturbed. ' I heard. Damn good thing
they got out. With your record, you could have been hit for negligent
homicide.' ' were people in that barn, innocent people, and you and
your torch risked their lives.' ' you think this was arson?' Greer
asked conversationally. He scratched his head and looked innocently
toward where the fire marshal was sitting in his car taking notes. '
thing to solve, arson is. It's one thing if you're in the city and
you've got witnesses 464 who saw someone run from the scene just before
the fire, but up here - ' He gave a rueful shrug. ' here, no one's
around to see, especially just before dawn.' Derek knew he was right. it
might be proven that the fire was set, but finding the person who set it
would be next to impossible. ' that why you came? To gloat?' '?

Because you've had a little misfortune? New York would have been just
fine for gloatm9l if that was what I had in mind.' He rocked back on his
heels. ''re a good man, Mcgill.' He held up a hand. '... have a few
weaknesses that need some work, but you're a good man.' The hand fell,
thumb catching on the side pocket of his down vest. "At one point I was
thinking of hiring you to work with me in Washington - you'd make a
powerful press secretary - but now that you've put down roots here, it's
a moot point. And then there are those weaknesses. You're bullheaded.

You always' were. Don't know when to yield.' He shook his head. '
wouldn't work where I'm going. Politics is the fine art of compromise."
- With each reference to the Capital, where Greer had clearly taken for
granted he was headed, Derek's fury grew. The only thing to temper it
was the utter disbelief he felt at the gall, the gafl of the man to show
up at the scene of his latest crime. ' know/ Derek said, his eyes
dark, hard and relentlessly aimed at Greer, ' can pretty much figure
out how you did it with Padilla and the trial and all. I can also guess
that you weren't thrilled when I was released. You must have thought
they'd keep me longer. But what I don't understand is why you didn't
just kill me once I got out. A sniper's bullet from a distance aimed not
at the tire of my car but at me - 465 wouldn't that have been quicker
and cleaner than following me around for months?' Greer said nothing at
first. Then he squatted and poked at the chunks of dark, damp wood at
his feet. ' understand you redid the barn yourself. Too bad. That must
double your upset about the fire. Of course' - he raised his head and
looked Derek sharply in the eye - Iso much of the satisfaction is in the
doing. It's the project - the planning, the anticipation, the taking of
one step at a time.' ' why didn't you go after the files yourself V
Derek asked. ' of your" men could have done exactly what I did. That
would have been a helluva lot easier.' Without breaking eye contact,
Greer straightened. ' don't listen, Mcgill. That's a definite
weakness. You don't listen, you don't hear what's being said.' '
listen. I hear. It's just that I can't believe that this whole ...
charade was performed fqr the sole purpose of your personal
entertainment.' Greer tipped his umbrella to squint toward the thick,
lead-hued clouds overhead. ' and running a megacorporation like
mine has taught me many things. I tell you this, Mcgill, since you seem
intent on becoming an entrepreneur and I see no reason why you shouldn't
learn from me. Organization is crucial. You have to be able to divide
labor and delegate authority. The duplication of any effort is a waste
of time and money.' ' other words/ Derek said, wiping rain from his
jaw with the sleeve of his jacket, ' was doing it, so why should you.

But you knew about the girl. Early on you must have figured she had the
files. Still you sat back.' Greer looked off toward the lake. His
expression was 466 "',calm, his tone nonchalant. He might have been
chat- ting about the weather. ' man has to be careful, especially a
politician. It's the media. They're out of control nowadays, too damned
nosy, too damned conscientious. Everything is seen, noted, reported; and
if the politician in question has his sights set on an even higher
office, that could spell trouble.' Derek could only think of one '
office' to which Greer would aspire, and the thought made him sick.

"You're playing a dangerous game, Greer. Okay, I may have lost it this
time, but some day, somewhere, it'll catch up with you., One brow rose
and fell in a shrug of unconcern. ''m cautious.' ' one's that
cautious.' ''m smart.' ''re arrogant. You thrive on manipulating
people t for the sense of power it gives you.' Slowly, almost absently,
Greer panned the farmhouse and its setting. He niffed, then nodded.

"Goodlooking place you've got. It really is. Good-looking woman, too."
Derek's spine grew ramrod-straight. A pulse throbbed at his temple, a
muscle at his jaw. Greer sent him a sidelong glance. ' she know
about your background?' Derek sucked in the inside of his cheek and
closed his molars on the moist flesh. ' having to live down a past
like that. Doubly tough with a record of your own - speaking of which, I
was surprised your parole officer didn't balk at all that traveling.

They usually like ex-cons to stay put so they can keep an eye on them."
He paused. ' did report the traveling, didn't you?' 467 Other, than
the slight, involuntary flare of his nostrils, Derek didn't move. '
bad you couldn't get a job back in the city/ Greer said. ' I heard
you were getting out, I went around, spoke with a few people.' "I'll bet
you did/Derek said very slowly. ' tried to tell them how dedicated you
were to your work, but they seemed to feel that hiring a convicted
murderer would be an unnecessary risk. And to be honest, they had a
point. To take on a man prone to violence, to sink money into a project
- ' could kill you, Greer.' Greer grinned. ''ll bet you could.' '
off my property.' ' I hear it, it's your wife's property.' ' off my
land before I strangle you.' He was clenching and unclenching his hands,
itching to do just that. ' that a threatv ' like a promise/ Derek
vowed. His hair was wet, falling in spikes on his forehead. His skin was
wet, too, and his clothes; but he was oblivious to that. The full force
of his concentration was on Greer, who looked for all the world to be
enjoying himself. ' why doesn't that scare me? I he asked. '
because we've got a pack of witnesses who'd have you pinned to the
ground in no time, and because you'd be back in prison on assault
charges before you had time to pee, and because once back there, you
wouldn't be getting out so quick. The assault of a candidate for the
United States Senate is a serious offense.' He narrowed his eyes and
lowered his voice, goading Derek for everything he was worth. ' on,
Mcgill, try it. I dare you.' Derek wanted to. The wild look in his eyes
attested 468 P'to it. He wanted to haul back and hit the man so hard
that he'd go flying and then he'd kick him, kick him again and again -
just as held been kicked that day in the prison shadows - until Greer
begged for mercy. And then, only then, would he decide whether he'd let
him live. ''s the matter, Mcgill? I Greer taunted. ''t have the
guts? I Derek gave that imaginary body another hard kick. His voice
mirrored the force. ' have the guts.' ' what are you waiting for?

You wanted to get me with those files, but you can't.' He grinned. '
files are gone, Mcgill. You're powerless as ever. What do you say to
that? I Derek didn't say a thing. So Greer looked around. ', you've
done okay. There really is something to be said for country living.

Relaxed and laid-back. A little cottage business, pretty farmhouse, some
land. Not bad for second-best.' Derek took a step forward. ' the
wife. Bet she's a hot little thing, getting it on with an ex-con. I
heard about those scenes in the prison yard. I heard.' ' could kill
you/ Derek seethed. ' why don't you?' Why didn't he? In the course of
a minute's time, he was thinking about his ' little thing, of a wife,
thinking that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him,
thinking that he liked country living, liked being relaxed
and.-laid-back, liked having a cottage business, a pretty farmhouse and
some land. He was thinking that he liked running on country roads and
sculling on the river, that he liked the idea of being near Nicky, and
that he had enough story ideas to keep three teams at work. He was
thinking that 469 there was nothing second-best about what he had and
that he@ wouldn't change places with Noel Greer for all the money, all
the power, all the glory in the world. Why didn't he kill Greer? With a
look of pure disdain, he gathered just enough saliva to spit at his
feet. ' you're ... not ... worth it, I he said and turned to
walk away, only to falter when he saw Sabrina standing a dozen feet off.

She was looking anxious, a little tired, strangely excited. Feeling an
odd serenity wash over him, he started walking again. When he'd reached
her side, he put an arm around her shoulders and started moving her
toward the fire marshal's car. She cast a perplexed glance over her
shoulder at an even more perplexed Greer, then said, ', there's
something - ' ''s J. BY '. Derek, we didn't ' are you?' he
asked, searching her face. "Fine. Derek, what was he doing - ' ''s
leaving/ Derek said. They'd reached the fire marshal. '@ that man/ he
tossed his head toward Greer, ' trespassing on private property. I
would appreciate it if you would call the police for me. I have
something more important to do just now.' The fire marshal, who doubled
as the town's postmaster and knew and respected Derek as a local, said,
"Sure thing, Mr. Mcgill.' Derek steered Sabrina toward the house. '
most incredible thing just happened.' ' Greer? I Vh-huh. He showed
up here to rub my face in the fact that the files are lost.' ' - I He
pressed a finger to her lips, then removed it to 470 .,open the
farmhouse door. ' was standing out there, looking around at the mess,
wondering how I was ever going to pull my life back together, when he
showed up. Then he started in on me, and I thought I'd explode. I
honestly, truly came close to smashing him.' They had passed through the
kitchen and were nearing the bedroom. Derek had already dropped
Sabrina's hand to remove his wet jacket. He hooked it on a doorknob as
he passed, then started on the buttons of his shirt. ' I didn't. And
I can live with it, Sabrina. I can live with the loss of those files -
"You don't - ' I know. I know the truth. I know what I did and
what he did, and I'm the one who'll be able to sleep at night with a
clean conscience.' Having tossed his shirt on the bed, he ducked into
the bathroom for a towel. ', I'm angry/ he said as he emerged
rubbing his hair. ''m angry that he got away with it. I'm angry that
he'll win-that election, because the people of New York, the people of
the country are the losers.' He dragged the damp towel over the soot on
his face, then abruptly dropped the hand that held the towel and looked
Sabrina in the eye. ' I can't live with the anger anymore. I'm tired
of it. I have a future, we have a future, and I'll be dairmed if I'll
let that anger screw it up.' With deliberate movements, he wiped the
soot from the back of his hands. His eyes held conviction. ' did my
best. I found those files, and if Joey Padilla is anywhere up there' -
he shot a glance skyward - ' knows what happened. I may have been
Greer's patsy in that murder, but I paid for my part. I've had enough of
the guilt. It's done.' He looked down at his hands as he worked the dirt
away. ' I been a chip off the old 471 block II'd have beaten Greer
to a pulp - correction, I'd be looking around now for someone to do it
for me. But I'm not. I'm not my old man. I'm me.' He let out the rest of
that breath, took another, let it out too. Then, raising his eyes, he
said in a voice that was deep and filled with emotion, ''m free,
Sabrina. Free.' Sabrina, who'd been forced to quietly listen to his
speech when she realized that he wouldn't let her talk, felt such an
intense surge of love and respect that tears came to her eyes. He was
free. He was beautiful. He was here. And she'd thought herself a
failure? How could that be? She had a warm home filled with friends and
laughter, a-gratifying career at her beck and-call, a husband she adored
and a new baby - yes, Nicky, a brother or sister - on the way. A
failure? Not possible. For the first time in her life, she felt she
truly knew who she was. No one could write quite the way she could. No
one could buy farmhouses, or strip furniture or bake banana muffins
quite the way she could. And no one could satisfy Derek quite the way
she could. She had arrived. Crossing the room on feet that were even
lighter than they'd been before, she slid her arms around his waist and
pressed her tearstained cheek to his chest. ' you," she whispered on
a broken breath. Then, just as Derek was about to cinch the embrace, she
slid from his grasp. '.' ' ... I She was already out the
door. He heard her dash up the stairs to the second-floor landing. Her
footsteps receded as she ran down the hall. He heard nothing for a
minute, then a crescendoing patter as she retraced her steps. When she
reappeared at the bedroom door, 472 II cheeks were flushed. Eyes holding
his, she
"T approached him slowly, looking pleased, if apprehensive. A
foot away she held out the bundle she'd been clutching to her chest.

Derek's eyes widened on the bundle. Then they flew to Sabrina's face in
disbelief. ' couldn't sleep/ she explained softly and with a bit of
guilt. ' night. When all was said and done, I was as excited about
these as you were, so I got up, took them from the barn and sat up in
the den reading, them. By the time I was tired, I didn't feel like
traipsing back to the barn, so I locked them in the desk and went to
bed. Then things happened so fast this moming that I didn't realize what
it meant until I was on the way to the hospital with J.B. and Ann. I
tried calling, but everyone must have been outside.' Derek continued to
stare at her in utter amazement. '.' She shoved the files at his
belly. ' them. Jhey make me nervous. When I think what Greer did
@,to try to destroy then3, I get a little ill.' Derek cleared his
throat. He looked down at the ,,.files. ' them, Derek/ she pleaded.

Hanging the towel over his shoulder, he took the files and tossed them
onto the nearby dresser. Then he took Sabrina in his arms, which was the
only taking he really wanted to do, and held her as tightly as he
'dared. She didn't seem to mind the crush. ' we write ' storyv
she asked, her breath soft against his throat. His arms were trembling.

it was a m inute before he spoke, and then his voice was hoarse. ',
-we call , and tell him what's happened. Then we find the .,nearest
copying place and have two copies made of those files.' 4 72 ,3 '?"
lone for a safe-deposit box in town I the other for David's vault."
Cupping her head, he held it to his heart. ' David, you, me, and the
original are going straight to Washington. I think the department of
justice will be interested in what we have here.' ' what about the
newspapers? I ''ll have to wait. You'll write your book, I'll get my
revenge, but all in good time.' He went still, reexperiencing that
incredible disbelief. ' den. You had them in the den. Christ, I can't
believe it! I Sabrina could hear his smile. Seconds later, when he
lifted her face to his, she saw it. ' are a remarkable woman. Lord,
do I love you./ He gave her a long, deep, tongue-tangling kiss that left
her lightheaded. ' wouldn't be saying that if the files had burned to
a crisp in the barn after all.' ' bet I would. That was what I
realized when I was with Greer. The files I can live without.' His eyes
roamed her face. ' I can)t.1 A failure?, With a man like Derek saying
words like that to her? He'd walked away. from Greer. Despite the hatred,
the fury, the months of plotting revenge, he'd walked away. For her. How
could she possibly be a failure, with a victory like that? Swallowing
the emotion that threatened to rob her of speech, she said, ' it
happens, you have us both.' Very gently, he kissed the tip of her nose,
then her cheek, and there was something about the gentleness - or
perhaps the ' both' - that directed Sabrina's thoughts. '?' He
kissed her chin. ' want a girl.' 474 He went still for an instant,
then, cautiously, raised his head. ' do? '.' He inhaled a long,
deep breath and closed his eyes in a moment's silent thanks. Then he
looked at her and said in a very soft, very caring, very Derek voice,
"You do know that it's a little late to be placing special orders. We
require a full nine months' lead time on items like these.. Rooting her
fingers in his hair, she grinned up at him until her eyes grew misty and
her throat knotted. Then, rising on tiptoe, she coiled her arms around
his neck and hung on tight. Returning her hug, Derek basked in her sun,
renewed and stronger than ever as it warmed his soul. At that moment, he
felt more love, both outgoing and incoming, than he'd have believed
possible. And at that moment, he knew they'd made it.