Surreal Spoofs

Written by Matthew Shute

Here is something a little different, for light relief. "CRAP" horror stories are funny. I've posted two just for fun. Here is a challenge for anybody, by a fictional author called Surreal who just wants you to love his "work". 1. See if you can create worse piece of fiction than the first story here. I think that the following story is the worst horror tale ever. 2. See if you can come up with a more abstact and/or meaningless horror story than the second tale in the series.

Behold:

(Are you sitting comfortably?)



1.

THE SCARY DEMON FROM THE VERY DEPTHS OF HELL ITSELF

BY SURREAL



The scared man was walking through the dark passageway.

He was afraid.

He was very afraid.

In fact, he was terrified.

TERROR! Do you know terror, mortal, because this is what the scared man felt.

He walked on, scared and afraid.

Then he heard a noise behind him. He turned around and saw nothing. There was no-one there. But now the scared man was even more scared than he had been a second ago.

His teeth were chattering, he was that scared.

He shivered.

SHIVERED!

He kept walking through the sinister darkness. Yes, the darkness was especially sinister tonight. The darkness was utterly and irredeemably black. A feeling of utter spookiness clutched the man. Oh, but how scared he was!

Again, he heard a noise. Again, he spun around.

This time, however, he saw a spooky man with a knife!

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" cried the spooky man with the knife. He was surely a murderer! He was dressed in black, and his eyes glowed red.

RED.

RED.

The supernatural murderer was totally scary!

Now the frightened man was TOTALLY pertrified with fright.

"No!" he thought. "I'm so afraid!"

The scary man started walking. The SCARED man, meanwhile, turned around, and also started walking.

They were both walking through the darkness.

Walking. Through sinister shadows of harrowing deathliness.

Oh, the blackness.

The gloomy, creepy mist!

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" came an echoy, demonic voice from beyond the very grave itself. The sound of such satanic laughter made the scared man feel like his blood had turned to ice.

ICE. ICE. ICE!!!

The scared man spun around, and saw that it was the scary man laughing like the devil himself. The very DEVIL!!! The DEVIL!!! The DEVIL!!!

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Before the scared man's terrified pair of frightened eyes, the spooky man dissolved and transformed.

Dissolved!

And transformed!

It was the most bowel-loosening thing EVER seen.

!EVER!

The spook man turned first into Jack The Ripper. Then he turned into a large demon with red skin and a naked skull.

Oh, the skin was as red as BLOOD, and the skull had no eyes in its sockets of piercing DOOM!

The scared man could not believe his startled, bewildered, and insanely terrified eyes!!! A demon with a skull!!! A SKULL, for godsakes!!!

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" shrieked the red, ferocious demon from hell. It was the most awesome and horrifying thing EVER.

As the laughter echoed malevolently from the skull of depraved unholiness, blood gushed from the skeletal mouth!

BLOOD!

Also, thousands of beastly tentacles burst out of the demon, from its empty eye-sockets, and from its chest.

Tentacles! From its CHEST and EYES!!!!

The revolting, spooky demon was skill holding the knife, but now the knife was glowing with pure evil.

Yes, the knife itself was glowing!

WITH PURE EVIL!

The scared man was by now paralysed with fear; he was rooted to the spot in sheer scaredness. Yes, he was afraid indeed. The place was so dark and scary, and here was a red demon with a glowing knife of DOOM!

DOOM!!!!!!!!

And there were tentacles!

God, the man was more frightened than any person has EVER been, ANYWHERE!

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

The horrific demon from the pits of hell laughed like the devil himself, and released his knife of fury.

The knife floated slowly towards the cowering man!!!!

The glowing knife floated!

The man could not believe his eyes, but he had no choice. No matter what he thought about, no matter how many times he thrashed his head from side to side in sheer terror, the unholy knife just kept coming. It was, indeed, floating through the very air!

"NO!" screamed the man, afraid for his very life, and for the life of his very very soul! "NOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOO! NO NO NO NO NO NO! NO! NO NO NOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

The demon merely smirked. It was the most evil smirk EVER!

"NO-NO-NO-NO! NONONONONONONONONONONO!" shouted the frightened man, in his absolute, unadulterated TERROR... "NO... NO.... NO..... NO...... NO....... NO! NOOOOOOO!"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" cackled this demon that was the most evil thing ever in any universe ever.

The knife of doom came forward, toward the man, but the poor, frightened man couldn't move or even look away he was so frightened.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The glowing knife of EVIL and PURE DOOM was almost upon him!!!!

A few more inches!!!!

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

It was coming even closer.

CLOSER!

A few more centimetres!!!!

A few more millimetres!!!!

A few more nanometers!!!

"NOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

At the last minute, the scared man pulled out a crucifix.

A crucifix! The bane of all demons, undead zombies and generalised hellspawn!

"Ha-HA!" cried the man, triumphantly.

Instantly, the demon and the spooky knife disintegrated into dust. Suddenly, the blackness disappeared, and it was a warm summer day. There were meadows and birds and singing bees. Everything was good again, FOREVER.

The universe was saved from the pure evil that had threatened to engulf it in its black claws of blasphemy!

Everything was just fine.

.... or was it???

The man was no longer afraid.

...... or was he???

Everyone would be safe from now on.

..... or would they???

The man would live happily ever after.

..... or would he????!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

("HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!")




THE END.

(see if you can do any better (i.e. worse) than THAT.)

...........................
...........................




2.

For the sequel, I wanted something a little unusual...

[..............]

THE DREAM TERROR OF PSEUDO-PSYCHO GLOWING PUSTULES

BY SURREAL (NON-INCORPORATED)



"Sometimes I just want to spit words at random, in an attempt to express what surreptitiously moves through my synaptic gaps... And so what? A big, beaming boob blort transforms the shape of my mind, rejuvenates and enriches my riches because my various sugar/\overdoses were refined. As I sit here with brain-damage, bashing these these these these FUCKING keys and screaming\/refusing to fuse the unorthodox nerve patterns into the shape into which conformity deems. It seems as though my veins are fruiting bodies infesting lobbies and toilet cubicles ash_-_tray glimpsed as we duck dip... H-bomb crane technique velocity impossibly equals speed minus girth on this turf, earthless spinner. What's quicker than your sickly flicker; my inferno blows and throw a fit, sitting down.. in my split-personality mode..." said a spooky murderer with glowing red eyes!

RED.

(.sniffle.cough.splutter.)

"...as I see fit."

The man was scared again by now. "But no. NO! I will not even go there."

"No, no, no?"

"No-no-no-no."

"NO?"

"No. I will go instead into a labyrinth of calcium peroxide blonde Belsan backlash. In this cave I enslave all my meditation pack rats; perhaps my mood resides somewhere other than in my teeth as I split them, and spit phlegm all over my own perceptions."

"But-but-but-but-but-"

"When I become my own worst enemy, I shove my own bony head in the lawnmower blade. Predictably... soon the place fades..."

"Umm."

"Juss filling a hole left by the absence of steps in which I muddle."

The scared man laughed, and profound insanity spewed from his moth puddle:

"My combinations huddled atop the briefcase of a gooney. I've got this big/fat\big toe that I stabbed in the mode of a looney. Chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka mooney fly to the moon on a pube. The lice fell in your eye cube causing infectious flesh to multiply unchecked with flecks of indigo wrecks text text text text text text..."

There was a pause of sickening silence, as the two enemies faced each other across the blackness of the yawning abyss. Within this terrifying void (of residual memory), tiny pink fish could be observed, floating through the nothingness of temporal space. These fish of perfect neutrality were pulsing brighter and dimmer as their love and hatred levels fluctuated. These exquisite fish were all that could be seen.

However... magnified a thousand times, it could be seen that there were microscopic words tattooed on a single scale of each single floating fish.

The tattoo read:

"COPYRIGHT SURREAL 2001. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED."

The silent pause faded beautifully, and copious atrocities were glimpsed.

Then, the battle of wills continued.

"It began beneath the moors in the warrens(?)warrants for lime quarry ant sorry ass wasp went to the fridge on a frost. A lost frock left home and stepped upon a mine, blind to fact that abstract minds contain the purple plagues of passion. Rational stashes a big, dirty asses exposed to below zero pee temperature rashes. Rashers of pork(>)chop backgammon cop, stinky blue blip on-my screen as I scream around the corner. I'm a hornet over Brooklyn Bridge, a fridge over the ridge into that tunnel that follows into where you find that beeeeech. I screech down to Brooklyn, holding the wheel for dear life, stinking bacon slice of uniformed lice chasing me sideways. It pays not to pray when David is Goliath, blasting Palestine with tanks from banks for Thanksgiving... Thanks," retorted the big scary demon with blood red skin and a tentacled skull of doom!

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" said both of demons clones, who had just materialized to help their master, twice.

"... or was I?" The man was now confused AND afraid.

AFRAID.

Something in the hall went... click-click.

...

(...let me be your deity...)

,

If you kiddies are good, I'll deliver the trequel.

*$*£*"*$*%*£*"!! went... click-click.

..........................

THE END