WHO AM I NOW

By

Betsy Jorgensen

She woke up five minutes before her alarm went off. A new day was starting
oh no not again
She clumsily waved her hand to shut off the alarm, and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She lowered herself to the floor.
no no no back to sleep back to safely
Shutting the door tightly behind her, she stumbled an sleep heavy legs to the bathroom. No one in the house stirred as she stepped under the hot water of the shower, her arms trying to wash away the sticky feeling of sleep. She opened her mouth under the water to rinse out the morning taste.
fill me with water, I don’t want to breathe ever again
She turned off the water and stepped in front of the bathroom mirror.
ugly girl
She hurriedly brushed her teeth and hair, rapped herself in her towel, and snuck back to her room. She slid past a beautiful stained glass window before turning into her room.
jump...fly...fall...it doesn't matter. I don’t matter
Opening her door, she heard the first sounds of life from the room next to hers. She slipped into the dark stillness of her empty room. She flipped on the overhead light, and opened her closet door.
doesn't matter what I wear, ugly girl
She picked out a French looking black lace blouse and a matching pair of jeans. Skipping on a white undershirt, she dressed in her out fit.
no one(everyone) will notice you
Slipping on a pair of noiseless black slippers, she exited her room and crept down into the kitchen.
She looked in the refrigerator for some time for the milk before deciding that they were out.
don’t need(want) food. food means life
She looked on the counter to see a single muffin. Grabbing it, she raced to the front hall. She none too gently shoved the muffin into her mouth, almost choking when some blueberry flavored juice ran down her throat.
good good choke no breathe
She grabbed her coat and backpack and ran out into her car. After a little begging, her car started in the snowy weather.
crash on the ice slip and fall
Soon, she arrived at school. She found a parking space by the parking lot, and sent a little prayer to heaven that her car would be all right. Looking both ways, she crossed the street.
hit me hit me. Just don’t make it my fault.
She saw a couple of her friends getting dropped off up the hill. She raised her arm and waved.
notice me (don’t)
“Good morning!” said one of them as she raced up the hill.
she just gave them the grin they were expecting. Soon they started to babble about the chemistry project when she saw another of her friends.
SWITCH
“I’ll see you in second hour!!” she giggled, bouncing around the corner to meet the friend she saw though the window. When she hit the corner, her smile grew more sinister, and she slid towards her friend.
“Hail, hail.”
don’t notice that I didn't change(notice I'm different)
Reaching behind her into her bag, she grabbed the most recent of her poetry journal entries. They both read it and laughed richly, enjoying the mockery the words made of the very people she had just left.
I hate me
“See you next hour,” she said, lazily slinking towards her locker. She waved her hand over her head, not looking behind, and turned the corner.
SWITCH
By her locker were two boys she was friends with. She smoothed her hair down and walked towards them.
“What’s up?” she asked, placing her hands in her pockets.
talk to me(ignore me)
“Nothing much. Hey have you been to the arcade lately?”
After she placed her coat in her locker, she babble on about the game she had been supposedly been playing non-stop for a week. The three of them walked abreast down the hall until they got to the boys bathroom.
“This is were I leave. See you after school.”
She turned around and went to the top floor of the school, walking towards the music wing. Windows passed her on either side.
it’s a long way down. see if I can fly?
SWITCH
Walking into the crowded music wing, she tried hard not to make herself be seen. She grabbed her instrument and carefully snuck into the orchestra room. Setting down her stuff, she turned to see who was there.
no one.
Her head was pounding. She wanted to run, like something waiting here.
“BOO”
She jumped and spun to see one of her guy friends standing behind her.
stupid male(why didn’t you attack me)
SWITCH
“Stupid male,” she said, hitting him hard in the arm. They both started to laugh and joke about how scared she looked.
“How are you feeling today”
She looked at him, expression faltering for a spilt second.
help me
“I am
terrible horrible screaming inside from the me that no one sees. Why can’t you see that I’m dying here in front t of you! why can’t I say I am horrible. HELP ME!
fine.”
SWITCH
“Are you sure? You look a little pale.”
“Yeah, I’m
terrified of showing anyone who I am, what if you all hate me? What if the only reason you like me is that I am ME the ME that I show you. tomorrow I’m be gone, don’t you see that? and I won’t hear you. I’ll be gone
good”
“Ok.”
As he turned away, she almost said something
wimp
but instead, she just put on a smile, and continued letting herself die from the inside.