"Weird Al" Yankovic 1. Ricky 2. Gotta Boogie 3. I Love Rocky Road 4. Buckingham Blues 5. Happy Birthday 6. Stop Draggin' My Car Around 7. My Bologna 8. The Check's in the Mail 9. Another One Rides the Bus 10. I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead 11. Such a Groovy Guy 12. Mr. Frump in the Iron Lung Ricky (parody of "Mickey" by Toni Basil) Hey Lucy, I'm home! Oh, Ricky, you're so fine, You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey, Ricky! Hey, Ricky! Oh, Lucy, you're so fine, You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey, Lucy! Hey, Lucy! Oh, Ricky, you're so fine, You play your bongos all the time. Hey, Ricky! Hey, Ricky! Oh, Lucy, you're so fine, How I love to hear you whine. Hey, Lucy. Hey, Ricky! You always play your conga drums. You think you got the right. You wake up little Ricky In the middle of the night. Stop shakin' your maracas now, And just turn out the light, Ricky. I'm sick of Fred and Ethel Always comin' over here, 'Cause Fred eats all our pretzel sticks And then he spills his beer. Why don't you serve your casserole And make them disappear, Lucy? Oh, Ricky, What's a girl like me supposed to do? You really drive me wild When you sing your Ba-ba-lu. Oh, Lucy, you're so dizzy, Don't you have a clue? Well, here's to you, Lucy. I love you too, Lucy, too, Lucy. Let's Ba-ba-lu, Lucy. Hey, Ricky! You're always playin' at the club, You never let me go. I'm beggin' and I'm pleadin', But you always tell me no. Oh please, honey, please. Let me be in your show, Ricky. Waaa... You always burn the roast, And you drop the dishes too. You iron my new shirt, And you burn a hole right through. You're such a crazy redhead, I just don't know what to do, Lucy. Oh, Ricky, What a pity, don't you understand That every day's a rerun, And the laughter's always canned. Oh, Lucy, I'm the Latin leader of the band. So here's to you, Lucy, Let's Ba-ba-lu, Lucy, do, Lucy...everybody rumba! Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh Gotta Boogie Gotta boogie. Gotta boogie. Gotta boogie. Gotta boogie. I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger, And I can't shake it off! Well, I went out to a party Just the other night. I was jammin' to the music, I was feelin' all right. I was burnin' up the floor, Like a disco maniac, When my woman said, "Baby, why's your hand behind your back?" Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) I said boogie! (Gotta boogie) I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger, And I can't shake it off! I can't pick it off! (Oh no) I can't flick it off! (Oh no) I sure ain't gonna lick it off! (Oh no) So I guess I'm gonna have to learn to Live with it. I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie) Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie) Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger, And I can't shake it off! (Boogie!) Gotta boogie. (Boogie!) Hey, you wanna boogie? (No, man, I don't want a boogie!) Wanna boogie? (Get that boogie outta my face!) Do any of you wanna boogie? (No!!!) Gotta boogie on my finger, Gotta boogie on my finger, Gotta boogie on my finger, And I can't shake it off! I Love Rocky Road (parody of "I Love Rock 'n Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts) I hear those Ice cream bells and I start to drool, Keep a couple Quarts in my locker at school Yeah, but chocolates gettin old, Vanilla just leaves me cold, There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me, Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon, I know what I need, baby I love Rocky Road, So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love rocky Road, So have another triple scoop with me, OW! They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same, all the soda jerkers know my name, When their supply is gone, then I'll be movin' on But I'll be back on Monday afternoon, You'll see, another truckloads comin' in for me, All for me, I'm singin' I love Rocky Road, So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love Rocky Road, So have another triple scoop with me, OW! Oh, make it talk. When I'm all alone, I just grab my self a cone, And if I get fat and lose my teeth that's fine with me, Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key, singin', I love Rocky Road, So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love Rocky Road, So have another triple scoop with I love Rocky Road, So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love rocky Road, So have another triple scoop with I love Rocky Road, So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love Rocky Road, So have another triple scoop with I love Rocky Road, So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love Rocky Road, So have another triple scoop with me! Buckingham Blues (originally a parody of "Jack & Diane" by John Cougar Mellencamp, but changed into an original for the record) Gonna tell you a story About Chuck and Diane. Couple British kids from The palace at Buckingham. Chuckie wants to grow up And be a polo star, And ride his little horsies All around the backyard, oh yeah. You know they really paid their dues. I said hey, lawdy mama. They got them Buckingham blues. Now Chuckie goes hunting, And leaves Diane alone. So she fixes her hair, And she talks on the Princess Phone. Chuckie's still tryin' to figure out What his job's supposed to be, And Diane's the fashion leader Of the aristocracy. I said hey, Lady Di, Tell me where'd you get them shoes? Ah, Well hey nonny nonny, Looks like you got them Buckingham blues. Aw, bein' heir to the throne, well It must be awful hard. Gotta pose for pictures Out on the front yard. And Lady Di, well, She must have it pretty rough. Gotta hang around the house all day, Makin' babies and stuff. Another game of croquet, Then they're off on a Caribbean cruise. Well hey bop-a-re-bop, They really got them Buckingham blues. Ah, tell the truth, now, tell the truth - Wow! Ah got my mojo workin'! Yeah! Woo! Don't help me now. Ah, hurt me mama. Whoah! Ahhhhhh-! They don't serve no Twinkies With their afternoon tea. Never had a dinner Made by Chef Boy-ar-Dee. Bein' in the spotlight Is a hard life to choose. Diane drops half a pound, It's on the six o'clock news. Ah yeah, Those kids have really paid their dues. Aw, what a royal pain it is, When you got them Buckingham blues. Happy Birthday Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Well it's time to celebrate your birthday, It happens every year. We'll eat a lot of broccoli, and drink a lot of beer. You should be good and happy that there's somethin' you can eat. A million people every day are starvin' in the street. Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor. Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four. There's garbage in the water, There's poison in the sky. I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Well, what's the matter, little friend, you think this party is the pits? Enjoy it while you can. We'll soon be blown to bits! The monkeys in the Pentagon are gonna cook our goose. Their finger's on the button, all they need is an excuse. It doesn't take a military genius to see We'll all be Crispy Critters after World War III. There's nowhere you can run to, Nowhere you can hide. When they drop the big one, We all get fried. Come on, boys and girls, sing along, okay? Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Well, there's a punk in the alley, and he's lookin' for a fight. There's an Arab on the corner buyin' everything in sight. There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed. Seems that everywhere you look today, there's misery and greed. I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun, But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun. So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take, Just blow out the candles, And have a piece of cake. Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! (wow!) Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) And a pinch to grow an inch! Stop Draggin' My Car Around (parody of "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around" by Stevie Nicks with Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers) Had to park my car for just five minutes. I had to go inside to use the phone. When I came back again, my car was gone. Well, I didn't know it was a loading zone. What a bummer, I as so brought down. I had to chase that tow truck a over town, yellin' Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my car around. Took my baby to the local disco. I was jumpin' like a maniac. But the owner came and pulled me off the floor. Then he, He took me to his little office in the back. He said, "I really like your snaggletooth necklace. Your pants are groovy, and your hair's okay. But, man, that car of yours is so uncool. Like wow, I'm sorry, but we towed it away!" Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my car around! Now I'm at home. I'm watchin' "Gilligan's Island." Guess it's time to trade my old car in. For twenty dollars and my '64 Plymouth, Maybe I could get a second-hand Schwinn. Look out the window, there's a Tow truck in the driveway. I grabbed the driver and I asked him why. He said, "I'm sorry, kid, you're late with the payments. It's time to kiss your little car goodbye." Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my car around! Stop draggin' my car around. Listen, the check's in the mail. No, really! Stop draggin' my car around! Oh man, I just had the hub caps painted! Stop draggin' my car around! Hey! Hey, I left a sandwich in the back seat! Stop draggin' my car around. Oh... Stop draggin' my car around. My Bologna (parody of "My Sharona" by The Knack) Oooh, my little hungry one, Hungry one. Open up a package of my bologna. Oooh, I think the toast is done, The toast is done. Top it with a little of my bologna. Never gonna stop, Eat it up. Such a tasty snack, I always eat too much, And throw up. But I'll soon be back For my my my yi yi woo! M-M-M-My-yi-yi woo! M-M-M-My bologna. Spreadin' on the mustard now, A-show me how. Spread it on a little of this bologna. Hopin' that we don't run out, Don't run out. If we do, I'm sure that I'll miss bologna. Never gonna stop, Eat it up. Such a tasty snack, I always eat too much, And throw up. But I'll soon be back For my my my yi yi woo! M-M-M-My-yi-yi woo! M-M-M-My bologna. M-M-M-My bologna, hey. Goin' to the market now, Market now. I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer. Walkin' down the shopping aisles, Shopping aisles. Fillin' up my basket with Oscar Mayer. Never gonna stop, Eat it up. Such a tasty snack, I always eat too much, And throw up. But I'll soon be back For my my my yi yi woo! M-M-M-My-yi-yi woo! M-M-M-My bologna. M-M-M-My bologna. M-M-M-My bologna. M-M-M-My bologna. The Check's In The Mail Well, hey, how ya doin'? Have a seat. Have a drink. Boy, it's good to see ya. What can I say? Wo, sorry, gotta run. We'll get together again. Say, what was your name, anyway? Well, we're workin' on the problem. We'll get back to ya soon. (yeah) But don't try to call me. I'll be in a meeting every afternoon. For a year. Maybe longer. Keep in touch. Thanks for droppin' by, and have a nice day. The check's in the mail. (hey!) You're beautiful. Don't ever change. (You know what I mean) My girl will call your girl. We'll talk. We'll do lunch. Or leave a message on my machine. So baby, Won't you sign On the dotted line. I'm gonna make your dreams come true. The check's in the mail. Would I lie to you? Well, hey. Wait a minute. Whattsa matter? Hold on. You want me to fork over the loot? You say you hate my guts? You wanna take me to court? And you got yourself a lawyer with a three-piece suit? Well, I'm proud to say you're not The only critic of mine. (yeah) So if you wanna sue me, I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait in line. Take a number. Thanks for calling. Who loves ya, baby? Don't forget to read the fine print. Say, the check's in the mail. (hey!) You're beautiful. Don't ever change. (You know what I mean) My girl will call your girl. We'll talk. We'll do lunch. Or leave a message on my machine. So baby, Won't you sign On the dotted line. I'm gonna make your dreams come true. The check's in the mail. Would I lie to you? Aw, trust me! The check's in the mail. (hey!) You're beautiful. Don't ever change. (You know what I mean) Why don't you leave a message with my girl, Or have lunch with your machine. So baby, Won't you sign On the dotted line. I'm gonna make your dreams come true. The check's in the mail. Would I lie to you? The check's in the mail. Would I lie to you? Another One Rides The Bus (parody of "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen) Ridin' in a bus down the boulevard, And the place was pretty packed. Couldn't find a seat, so I had to stand, With the perverts in the back. It was smellin' like a locker room. There was junk all over the floor. We're already packed in like sardines, But we're stoppin' to pick up more. Look out! Another one rides the bus-ah. Another one rides the bus-ah. And another comes on, And another comes on. Another one rides the bus. Hey! He's gonna sit by you. Another one rides the bus. There's a suitcase pokin' me in the ribs. There's an elbow in my ear. There's a smelly old bum standin' next to me. Hasn't showered in a year. Well, I think I'm missin' a contact lens. I think my wallet's gone. And I think this bus is stoppin' again, To let a couple more freaks get on. Look out! Another one rides the bus-ah. Another one rides the bus-ah. And another comes on. And another comes on. Another one rides the bus-ah. Hey! He's gonna sit by you. Another one rides the bus. (Yeah) Huh ah huh ah huh ah huh ah Another one rides the bus. Another one rides the bus-ow! Another one rides the bus-hey, hey! Another one rides the bus-hey-y-y-y! The window doesn't open, and the fan is broke, And my face is turnin' blue. (ugh) I haven't been in a crowd like this Since I went to see The Who. Well, I should'a got off a couple miles ago, But I couldn't get to the door. There isn't any room for me to breathe. Now we're gonna pick up more, yeah! Another one rides the bus-ah. Another one rides the bus-ah. And another comes on. And another comes on. Another one rides the bus-ah. Hey! He's gonna sit by you. Another one rides the bus. Go! (go) Yeah! (yeah). I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead I don't care about your Karma. I don't care about what's hip. No space cadet's gonna tell me what to do. I won't swim in your Jacuzzi. You can't make me settle down. I'd rather kick and jump and bite and scratch And scream until I'm blue. I may as well be hyper, As long as I'm still around. 'Cause I'll have lots of time to be laid back, When I'm six feet under ground. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. When are you Cosmic cowboys Gonna get it through your head? I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I can't stand the smell of incense. I don't really like to jog. No Joni Mitchell eight-tracks in my car. (ooh) I hate anything organic. Even health food makes me sick. You won't catch me sipping Perrier Down in some sushi bar. I tell you, now's the time to go for All the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key When you're laid out on the slab. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. When are you Cosmic cowboys Gonna get it through your head? I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I’m dead. Ow! Bobcat! I don't want no part of that vegetarian scene. I won't buy me a pair of designer jeans. No redwood hot tub to my name. I got all that I want, And if it's all the same to you, I don't need a course in self-awareness To find out who I am. And I'd rather have a Big Mac or a Jumbo Jack Than all the bean sprouts in Japan! So don't ask me what I'm into. I don't need to prove I'm cool. I'll break your arm, If you ask me what's my sign. I won't tell you where my head's at. I don't need to see no shrink. Psychosis may be in this year, But I'm really not that kind, And I'm in no hurry to be casual. In fact I think I'll wait Until I'm pushing up the daisies. (Like, wow, man, can you relate?) I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. Such a Groovy Guy I got my alligator boots. I wear my pants skin tight. I wear my dark sunglasses in the middle of the night. And when I look in the mirror, oh it's such an awesome sight. It makes me want to kneel down and pray. I'm so adorable and charming. I'm sure that you can see. And everybody's always tryin' to hang around with me. They tell me I'm the greatest, and it's hard to disagree. 'Cause I'm so perfect in every way. And I'm so cute, I can hardly stand it. And I'm so handsome, honey, I could just die. I know you'll never be as wonderful as me, But at least you can try. 'Cause I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. Baby, are you in the mood for a little romance? Well, for starters I could pour some chocolate pudding down your pants. And then attach electrodes to your brain, and watch you dance. Well, golly, wouldn't that be fun? Oh, and then I might decide to tie you up with dental floss. I'll make you wear a harness, and I'll show ya who's the boss. Of course, if you refuse, well honey, it's your loss. I mean, I don't do this with just anyone. So baby, how can you say its all over? So how can ya tell me goodbye? So now you tell me that you're leavin' me for good, And all I wanna know is why? I mean, after all, I'm really such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. I mean you could do worse. I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) I'm just such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Baby, I tell ya I'm such a groovy guy, I'm (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy, I'm (such a groovy guy) Such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Such a groovy guy, such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Such a groovy groovy guy, such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) (such a groovy guy) (such a groovy guy) Mr. Frump In The Iron Lung I visit Mr. Frump in the hospital. I see him 'most every day. And when I see Mr. Frump in his iron lung, This is what I hear him say: (iron lung sounds) Ya know, Mr. Frump is my very best friend. He's never a chump or a tease. He never tells me lies, and best of all, He never disagrees. I bring him candy and flowers every afternoon. Sit down by his side and say "Hi". And then I ask him his opinion of the world situation, And I wait for Mr. Frump's reply. And Mr. Frump would say: (iron lung sounds) Well, unfortunately, soon it came to be Mr. Frump's dying day. So now I bring to you the very last thing That Mr. Frump had to say: (rapid iron lung sounds) A-men! "Weird Al" Yankovic In 3-D 1. Eat It 2. Midnight Star 3. The Brady Bunch 4. Buy Me a Condo 5. I Lost on Jeopardy 6. Polkas on 45 7. Mr. Popeil 8. King of Suede 9. That Boy Could Dance 10. Theme from Rocky XIII 11. Nature Trail to Hell Eat It (parody of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson) How come you're always such a fussy young man? Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran. Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan? So eat it. Just eat it. Don't wanna argue, I don't wanna debate. Don't wanna hear about what kind of food you hate. You won't get no dessert till you clean off your plate, So eat it. Don't you tell me you're full Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Get yourself an egg and beat it. Have some more chicken, Have some more pie. It doesn't matter if It's boiled or fried. Just eat it. (eat it) Just eat it. (eat it) Just eat it. (eat it) Just eat it. (eat it) Ooh! Your table manners are a cryin' shame. You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game. Now if you starve to death, You'll just have yourself to blame. So eat it. Just eat it. You better listen, better do what you're told. You haven't even touched your tuna casserole. You better chow down, or it's gonna get cold. So eat it. I don't care if you're full. Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Open up your mouth and feed it. Have some more yogurt, have some more spam. It doesn't matter if it's fresh or canned. Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Don'tcha make me repeat it. Have a banana. Have a whole bunch. It doesn't matter what you had for lunch. Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Huh huh huh huh huh Eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) If it's gettin' cold, reheat it. Have a big dinner, have a light snack, If you don't like it, you can't send it back, Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Get yourself an egg and beat it. (Oh, Lord) Have some more chicken, have some more pie, It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried, Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Don'tcha make me repeat it. Have a banana. Have a whole bunch. It doesn't matter what you had for lunch. Midnight Star I was waiting in the express lane with my twelve items or less, At the checkout counter at the local grocery store. I was only passin' by, But a paper caught my eye, And I learned a few things I never knew before. It said, "Your pet may be an extraterrestrial." It said, "The ghost of Elvis is living in my den. You can learn to cope with stress, And you can beat the IRS, And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again!" Oh, Midnight Star! It's in the weekly Midnight Star. Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car. Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know. Eat jelly doughnuts and lose twenty pounds a day. Hear the story of the man born without a head. And top psychics all agree That the telephone company Will have a brand new service that lets you talk to the dead. Oh, Midnight Star! You can believe it if you read it in the weekly Midnight Star. They're keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar. Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know. (Tell me, tell me, tell me how to make my bust-line grow.) Midnight Star, I wanna know... Oh, Midnight Star! Well, don'tcha know that I read it, I read it in the weekly Midnight Star. The UFO's have landed and we'll tell you where they are. Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know, Midnight Star. Well, you can read all about it in the weekly Midnight Star. You can use your ESP to learn to play guitar. I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star) Inquiring minds like mine wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know. The Brady Bunch (parody of "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats) You can watch Mister Rogers, You can watch Three's Company, And you can turn on Fame, Or the Newlywed Game, Or the Addams Family. Say, you can watch Barney Miller, And you can watch your MTV, And you can watch Till your eyes fall out of your head. That'll be okay with me. And you can watch (TV) You can watch Johnny Carson, You can watch Phil Donahue, And you can use TV Guide To help you decide, With a capsulized review. Say, you can watch 60 minutes, Even Captain Kangaroo, But there's only one set, So whatever you watch Well, you know I gotta watch it too. A-say, give it up, give it up. Television's takin' its toll. That's enough, that's enough. Gimme the remote control. I've been nice, I've been good. Please don't do this to me. Turn it off, turn it off. I don't wanna have to see The Brady Bunch. Not the Brady Bunch. Well, the Brady Bunch. Yeah, the Brady Bunch. It's the story of a lovely lady, Who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, Like their mother, The youngest one in curls. It's the story of a man named Brady Who was busy with three boys of his own. They were four men living all together, A-yeah, but they were all alone. Till then one day, a-one day When the lady met this fellow And they knew, and they knew It was much more than a hunch That the group, a-this group Must somehow form a family. That's the way, that's the way, That's the way they all became the Brady Bunch. Well, the Brady Bunch, Yeah, the Brady Bunch, Well, the Brady Bunch. Oh, it's the Brady Bu-unch, it's the Brady Bunch, oh, it's the Brady Bunch, Yeah, oh the Brady Bunch, it's the Brady Bunch, well, it's the Brady Bunch, Well, it's the Brady Bunch, well, it's the Brady Bunch, it's the Brady Bunch. Buy Me A Condo Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. Get de wallet full o' credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. Wo-o-o, used to live in Jamaica, But I don't live dere no more. Had to change me lifestyle, Do t'ings I never done before. So now I'm just a lonely Rastaman , Living in dis American town. Gonna sell me Bob Marley records, Gonna get me some Jackson Browne. I'm gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. And get de wallet full o' credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. (ah--, ah--) Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. Wo, gonna cut off me dreadlocks, T'row away all me ganja. I'll have a Tupperware party, Maybe join me a health spa. (ah--, ah--) I'll get a bowl of plastic fruit, And a microwave oven too. (ah--, ah--) Then I'll have the neighbors over For a weenie barbecue. Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. Get de wallet full of credit cards, oh oh, I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. (ah--, ah--) I get de funny little T-shirt With the alligator on. Ain't gonna work in the field no more. Gonna be Amway distributor. Ain't gonna work in the field no more, no, no. Gonna be Amway distributor. (Jah) Jah, jah, jah, Life is so very hard, I need a (jah) jah, jah, jah Jacuzzi in me backyard. Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. N'get de wallet full of credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. (Never got to mow de lawn) Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. What you say? Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. Get de wallet full of credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. What you say? Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. Get de wallet full of credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow the lawn. Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. I Lost On Jeopardy (parody of "Jeopardy" by Greg Kihn Band) Ohhhhhh... I was there, to match my intellect, on national TV, Against a plumber, and an architect, both with a Ph.D. I was tense, I was nervous, I guess it just wasn't my night. Art Fleming gave the answers, Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ite-ite. I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). Well I knew I was in trouble now, My hope of winning sank, 'Cause I got the Daily Double now, And then my mind went blank. I took Potpourri for one hundred, And then my head started to spin. Well, I'm givin' up. Don Pardo, Just tell me now what I didn't win, yea, yea. I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). That's right Al--you lost! And let me tell what you didn't win: a twenty-volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a year's supply of Rice-a- Roni, the San Francisco treat. But that's not all! You also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people! And you brought shame and disgrace on your family name for generations to come! You don't get to come back tomorrow! You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game! You're a complete loser!! Don't know what I was thinkin' of, I guess I just wasn't too bright. Well, I sure hope I do better Next weekend on the Price Is Right-ite-ite. I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). I lost on Jeopardy, baby. Polkas on 45 ["Jocko Homo" by Devo] They tell us that we lost our tails, Evolving up from little snails. I say it's all just wind and sails. Are we not men, we are Devo. Are we not men, D-E-V-O. ["Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple] Smoke on the water. A fire in the sky. Smoke on the water. ["Sex (I'm A...)" by Berlin] (I'm a man) I'm a boy. (I'm a man) Well, I'm your mother. (I'm a man) I'm a one-night stand. (I'm a man) Am I bi? (I'm a man) I'm your slave. I'm a little girl, When we make love together. Hey, hey, hey! ["Hey Jude" by The Beatles] Jude, don't make it bad, Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, Then you can start to make it better, Better, better, better, better, better, yeah! ["L.A. Woman" by The Doors] L. A. woman. You're my woman. Got my mojo risin'. Mister Mojo risin'. Hey! ["In A Gadda Da Vida" by Iron Butterfly] In a gada da vida, honey, Don'tcha know that I love you. In a gada da vida, baby, Don'tcha know that I'll always be true-ooh-ooh. ["Hey Joe" by Jimi Hendrix] Hey Joe, where ya goin' with that gun in your hand? Hey Joe! Where ya goin' with that gun in your hand? Gonna shoot my old lady. Caught her messin' around with another man. Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo. Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo. Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo. Yodel-ay he-hoo. ["Burning Down The House" by Talking Heads] I'm an ordinary guy, burnin' down the house. ["Hot Blooded" by Foreigner] I'm hot blooded, check it and see. Got a fever of a hundred and three. Come on, baby, you can do more than dance. I'm hot blooded, hot blooded! ["Bubbles In The Wine" by Lawrence Welk] (instrumental section) ["Every Breath You Take" by The Police] Every breath you take, (huh huh huh) every move you make, (huh huh huh) Every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watchin' you. ["Should I Stay Or Should I Go" by The Clash] Darling, you gotta let me know, Should I stay, or should I go? If you say that you are mine, I'll be here till the end of time. But you gotta let me know, wo-wo-wo. Should I stay, or should I go? ["Jumpin' Jack Flash" by The Rolling Stones] But it's all right now, in fact it's a gas. But it's all right--jumpin' jack flash, it's a gas, gas, gas! ["My Generation" by The Who] People try to put us down. (Talkin' bout my generation) Just because we get around. (Talkin' bout my generation) Singley do look awful c-c-cold. (Talkin' bout my generation) Hope I die before I get old. (Talkin' bout my generation) This is my generation. This is my generation, baby. My my my my My generation. Well, talkin' bout my g-g-g-g-g g-g-generation! Hey! Mr. Popeil I need a Vegematic! I need a Pocket Fisherman! I need a handy appliance That'll scramble an egg while it's still inside its shell! (Operators are standing by. How does that make you feel?) Help me, Mr. Popeil! I wanna shine some pennies! I wanna mend some leather! I wanna Krazy-Glue my head to the bottom of a big steel girder! (Please, no C.O.D.'s. Don't miss out on this deal.) Ah, help me, Mr. Popeil! Help me. Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil. (Wo-o, wo-o. Ohhhhhh.) It slices. It dices. Look at that tomato! You could even cut a tin can with it, But you wouldn't want to! (Mr. Popeil, I'm in trouble. Need your assistance on the double) Oh no! Now how am I gonna make My old vinyl car top look like new? (Mr. Popeil!) Tell me, what am I supposed to do? Mr. Popeil! Mr. Popeil! (Now how much would you pay?) But wait, there's more! It's not sold in any store! (Now how much would you pay?) Don't answer yet, Just look what else you get! (Now how much would you pay?) If you order today, You get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless Ashtray! (Now how much would you pay?) Now how much would you pay? Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Make me buy a Garden Weasel! Make me buy a Bamboo Steamer! Make me take advantage Of this amazing TV offer! (Call our toll-free number, We'll make you such a deal.) Aw, help me! Mr. Popeil. I want it! (Mr. Popeil.) Well, I need it! (Mr. Popeil.) I got to got to got to have it! Mr. Popeil! Mr. Popeil! Hey! King of Suede (parody of "King Of Pain" by The Police) There's a sale on our gabardine suits today. They're all thirty-percent off from yesterday. There's Fortrel polyester, leather, wool and tweed. Just a VISA or Mastercard is all you need. We've got every color, we've got ev'ry shade. We're located next door to Willy's Fun Arcade. We got every fabric that was ever made, But I'm known in this city as the King of Suede. We got portly and regular and extra-long. (Is my size up there?) We got tailors to fix it, if it comes out wrong. (Is my size up there?) We got all kinds of sweatshirts, you can take your pick. (Is my size up there?) With the collars ripped off, like that "Flashdance" flick. (Is my size up there?) Our prices are low, my staff is underpaid. You can buy off the rack, or have it custom-made, And it's all guaranteed to never shrink or fade, 'Cause of my reputation as the King of Suede. If you need a tuxedo for your junior prom, (Is my size up there?) We can get you the best one that's made in Taiwan. (Is my size up there?) We got jackets with patches on the elbows, too. (Is my size up there?) And we'll sell 'em all factory-direct to you. (Is my size up there?) Well, I never made it past the second grade. It took all of my life for me to learn this trade. But my friends are all thinking that I've got it made, 'Cause I'm known the world over as the King of Suede. There's a two-for-one sale on our three-piece suits. Check out our suede pajamas and our suede-covered boots. You can try on our suede underwear if you choose. Do what you want, but don't step on my blue suede shoes. King of Suede. Don't miss out on our giant liquidation sale. (Is my size up there?) Look for our color catalog in next week's mail. (Is my size up there?) There's a sale on our double-knit slacks today. It's the same old sale as yesterday. Thirty years in the same location I have stayed, There I am, right next door to Willy's Fun Arcade. I got tough competition but I'm not afraid, 'Cause it's my destiny to be the King of Suede. King of Suede. King of Suede. King of Suede. I'll always be King of Suede. I'll always be King of Suede. I'll always be ... That Boy Could Dance We all used to call him "Jimmy the Geek". He was a dumb-lookin' scrawny little four-eyed freak. He never used to hang around with the guys. He'd just sit in the corner, attractin' the flies. He wasn't much to look at. He never was very bright. But at least there was one thing that he could do all right. That boy could dance. That boy could dance, yeah. He was kind of a jerk, he was kind of a bore, But the women would scream when he walked in the door. 'Cause one thing I can tell you for sure-- That boy could dance. Pickin' teams, he would always be last. He couldn't run very far, he couldn't think very fast. If he was on your side, you'd always lose. That guy had a problem even tyin' his shoes. He never passed a driver's test. He was always afraid of cars, And he had a complexion that resembled the surface of Mars. But that boy could dance. That boy could dance, yeah. Well, his hair was a mess, and his clothes didn't fit, He'd smell pretty bad, and he'd drool just a bit, But you got to admit. Boy, that boy could dance. Now that boy is much older. He got his own dance studio. He got a teeny bopper fan club. Yeah, he got his own TV show. Now he owns half of Montana. They all call him Diamond Jim. And you know I'd do anything if I could be just like him. 'Cause that boy could dance. That boy could dance. That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance, yea, ooh. (that boy could dance) I said that boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance, dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance. Theme From Rocky XIII (parody of "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor) Fat and weak, what a disgrace. Guess the champ got too lazy. Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space. Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain. But he's no bum, he works down the street. He bought the neighborhood deli. Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat. Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say: Try the rye or the kaiser, They're on special tonight. If you want, you can have an appetizer. You might like our salami, and the liver's all right. And they'd really go well with the rye, Or the kaiser. Never eats while on the job. He heard it's good to stay hungry. But he makes a pretty mean shish kabob. Have a taste, they were made fresh today. Try the rye or the kaiser or the wheat or the white. Maybe I can suggest an appetizer. Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight. But you just can't go wrong with the rye, Or the kaiser. So today, his deli comes first. Still he dreams of his past days of glory. Goes in the back and beats up on the liverwurst, All the while you can still hear him say: It's the rye or the kaiser, it's the thrill of one bite. Let me please be your catering advisor. If you want substitutions, I won't put up a fight. You can have your roast beef on the rye, Or the kaiser. The rye or the kaiser, The rye or the kaiser, The rye or the kaiser... Nature Trail To Hell Coming this Christmas to a theatre near you, The most horrifying film to hit the screen. There's a homicidal maniac who finds a Cub Scout troop, And he hacks up two or three in every scene. Please don't reveal the secret ending to your friends. Don't spoil the big surprise. You won't believe your eyes when you see Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell, In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell (in 3-D, ah-ah) Nature Trail to Hell (in 3-D, ah- ah) Nature Trail to Hell (In 3-D!) See severed heads that almost fall right in your lap. See that bloody hatchet coming right at you. No, you'll never see hideous effects like these again, Till we bring you "Nature Trail to Hell--Part 2." So bring the kids along, it's good clean family fun. What have you got to lose, If you like the six o'clock news, then you'll love Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell, In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell, (in 3-D, ah-ah) Nature Trail to Hell, (in 3-D, ah-ah) Nature Trail to Hell, (In 3-D!) (ah-ah-ah-ahhh ahh - ahh ah-ah-ah ahhh - ah-ah-ahhh - ahh ah-ah) Satan eats Cheez Whiz. [backwards] Ahgh!! Agghh!! No--!! Gahgh!! Aghg!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Nature Trail to Hell (ah-ah). Nature Trail to Hell (ah-ah). Nature Trail to Hell in 3-D. N n n n n n n Nature Trail to Hell. Yea, get away from the Nature Trail to Hell. Oh, stay away from the Nature Trail to Hell. In 3-D. 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell. (We're on the Nature Trail to Hell). Nature Trail to Hell. (We're on the Nature trail to Hell). Nature Trail to Hell. (Hell Hell) In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell. (ah-ah) In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell. (ah-ah) In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell in 3-D. Dare To Be Stupid 1. Like a Surgeon 2. Dare To Be Stupid 3. I Want a New Duck 4. One More Minute 5. Yoda 6. George of the Jungle 7. Slime Creatures from Outer Space 8. Girls Just Want to Have Lunch 9. This is the Life 10. Cable TV 11. Hooked on Polkas Like A Surgeon (parody of "Like A Virgin" by Madonna) I finally made it through Med. school. Somehow I made it through-hoo. I'm just an intern, I still make a mistake or two. I was last in the class, Barely passed at the Institute. Now I'm tryin' to avoid Yeah, I'm tryin' to avoid A malpractice suit. Hey, like a surgeon, Cuttin' for the very first time. Like a surgeon, Organ transplants are my line. Better give me all your gauze, nurse, This patient's fading fast. Complications have set in, Don't know how long he'll last. Let me see that I.V. Here we go, time to operate. I'll pull his insides out. Pull his insides out, And see what he ate. Like a surgeon, hey! Cuttin' for the very first time. Like a surgeon, Here's a waiver for you to si-gn. Wo-ho. Wo-ho. Wo-ho It's a fact. I'm a quack. The disgrace of the A.M.A. 'Cause my patients die. Yeah, my patients die Before they can pay. Like a surgeon, hey! Cuttin' for the very first time. Like a surgeon. Got your kidneys on my mind. Like a surgeon, ooh hoo, like a surgeon, When I reach inside With my scalpel, and my forcepts, and retractors. Oh ho-oh. Oh ho-ho-oh. Ooh, baby, Yeah, I can hear your heart beat For the very last time. Dare to be Stupid Put down that chain saw and listen to me Its time for us to join in the fight. Its time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys Its time to let the bedbugs bite. You'd better put all your eggs in one basket You'd better count your chickens before they hatch. You'd better sell some wine before its time You'd better find yourself an itch to scratch. You'd better squeeze all the Charmin you can While Mr. Whipple's not around. Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan. Talk with your mouth full Bite the hand that feeds you Bite off more then you can chew What can you do? Dare to be stupid! Take some wooden nickels, Look for Mr. Goodbar, Get your mojo working now, I'll show you how you can dare to be stupid! You can turn the other cheek, You can just give up the ship, You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip. (Dare to be stupid!) Come on and dare to be stupid, It's so easy to do, dare to be stupid! We're all waiting for you. Let's go! It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill So can I have a volunteer? There's no more time for crying over spilled milk, Now it's time for crying in your beer. Settle down with a family. Join the PTA. Buy some sensible shoes and a Cheverolet. Then party till you drop and they drag you away. It's OK. You can dare to be stupid! It's like spinning on a fish. It's like barking up a tree. It's like I say, you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free. Dare to be stupid! (yes) Why don't you dare to be stupid? It's so easy to do. Dare to be stupid. We're all waiting for you. Dare to be stupid. Burn your candles at both ends. Look a gift horse in the mouth. Mashed potatoes can be your friends. You can be a coffee achiever. You can sit around the house and watch "Leave it to Beaver". The future's up to you, so what'choo gonna do? Dare to be stupid! Dare to be stupid! What did i say? (Dare to be stupid) Tell me what did I say? (Dare to be stupid) It's alright (Dare to be stupid) We can be stupid all night (Dare to be stupid) Come on, join in the crowd (Dare to be stupid) Shout it out loud (Dare to be stupid) I can't hear you (Dare to be stupid) OK, I can hear you now (Dare to be stupid) Let's go! Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid) Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid) Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid) Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid) I Want A New Duck (parody of "I Want A New Drug" by Huey Lewis And The News) Whoah-oh! I want a new duck. One that won't try to bite. One that won't chew a hole in my socks. One that won't quack all night. I want a new duck. One with big webbed feet. One that knows how to wash my car, And keep his room real neat. One that won't raid the ice box. One that'll stay in shape. One that's never gonna try To migrate or escape, Or I'll tie him up with duck tape. I want a new duck. A mallard, I think. One that won't make a mess of my house, Or build a nest in the bathroom sink. I want a new duck. One that won't steal my beer. One that won't stick his bill in my mail. One that knows "The duck stops here." One that won't drive me crazy Waddling all around. One who'll teach me how to swim, And help me not to drown. And show me how to get down. How to get down, baby. Get it? (Quack quack quack quack quack. quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack) I want a new duck. Not a swan or a goose. Just a drake I can dress real cute. Think I'm gonna name him Bruce. I want a new duck. Not a quail or an owl. One that won't molt too much. One that won't smell too foul. One that won't beg for breadcrumbs, Hangin' around all day. He'd better mind his manners. Better do just what I say, Or he's gonna be duck paté. Duck paté, yeah yeah. (Quack quack quack quack quack. quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack) One More Minute (Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh ...) Well, I heard that you're leavin', (leaving) Gonna leave me far behind, (so far behind) 'Cause you found a brand new lover, You decided that I'm not your kind, (ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh) So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) of my Rolodex, And I tore all your pictures in two, And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go, Just because it reminds me of you. (Yeah) That's right, (that's right) you ain't gonna see me cryin'. I'm glad (I'm glad) that you found somebody new, 'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass, Than spend one more minute with you. (ahh-ahh-ahh-ooh) I guess I might seem kinda bitter. You got me feelin' down in the dumps. 'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the Gas Station of Love, And I have to use the self-service pumps! Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase. You ain't (you ain't) gonna break my heart in two. 'Cause I'd rather get a hundred-thousand paper-cuts on my face, Than spend one more minute with you. I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork, Than watch you going out with other men. I'd rather slam my fingers in a door, Again and again and again and again and again. Aw, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, darlin'. I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches, (leeches) Shove an ice pick under a toenail or two. I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue, Than spend one more minute with you. Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks, Or stick my nostrils together with Crazy Glue. I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades, Than spend one more minute with you-hoo. I'd rather rip my heart right out of my rib cage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it till I die... Than spend one more minute with you. Yoda (parody of "Lola" by The Kinks) I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah, Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda. S-O-D-A, soda. I saw the little runt sitting there on a log. I asked him his name, and in a raspy voice he said, "Yoda." Y-O-D-A, Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet, but he's wrinkled and green. Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand. Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Well, I left home just a week before, And I've never ever been a Jedi before. But Obi-Wan, he set me straight, of course. He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force!" Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben, So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again With my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. So I used the Force. I picked up a box. I lifted some rocks While I stood on my head. Well, I won't forget what Yoda said. He said,"Luke, stay away from the darker side, And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide." Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. "I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed, But remember, if you kill him then you'll be unemployed." Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess, So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess. But I know that I'll be coming back some day. I'll be palying this part till I'm old and gray. The long-term contract that I had to sign Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time, With my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. George Of The Jungle George, George, George of the Jungle, Strong as he can be. (Aggh-aghh-aahgh-ahh!!) Watch out for that tree! (ooh) George, George, George of the Jungle, Lives a life that's free. (Aggh-aghh-aahgh-ahh!!) Watch out for that tree! When he gets in a scrape, When he makes his escape, With the help of his friend, An ape named Ape, Then away he'll schlep, On his elephant Shep While Fellah and Ursula stay in step, with George, George, George of the Jungle, Friend to you and me. (Aggh-aghh-aahgh-ahh!!) Watch out for that tree! Watch out for that- (Aggh-aghh! -ooh) tree! George, George, George of the Jungle, Friend to you and me. Slime Creatures From Outer Space Things just haven't been the same, Since the flying saucer came. Now the aliens are on the loose. Well, we tried to hold 'em back, Tried to ward off their attack, But our atom bombs were just no use. They were ugly, they were mean, Biggest heads I ever seen. They made everybody scream and shout. First they leveled Tokyo, Then New York was next to go. Boy, I really wish they'd cut it out! They wasted everybody on my block. There goes the neighborhood. They'll zap you with their death-ray eyes, And blow you up real good. Run for your lives! (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They're not very nice to the human race. (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) There's more comin' every day, And they just won't go away. Now they're reproducing in the sewers. They got slimy lizard skin, And an evil-lookin' grin, And they sure could use some manicures. They got hands all covered with fungus. They got eyes like some kinda bug. I sure hope they don't come in here, I just shampooed the rug. Run for your lives! (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They're really makin' a mess of this place. (Slime Creatures.) (Slime Creatures.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They'll rip your head off just for fun. They'll paralyze your mind. They're wearin' out their welcome. I don't think I like their kind. They'll suck your brain out through a straw. You just can't trust those guys. So hide the children, lock the doors, And always watch the skies. Look out! Here come the... (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They're an intergalactic disgrace. (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) I wish they'd just get outta my face. (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They're makin' a big, fat mess of this place. (Slime Creatures.) (Slime Creatures.) Oh, where did they come from? (slime cretures) What do they want from us? (slime creatures) Who do they think they are? (Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.) Why don't they leave me alone? (Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.) They're really getting on my nerves. Girls Just Want To Have Lunch (parody of "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper) Some girls like to buy new shoes, And others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos. There's only one thing that they all like a bunch. Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls, they just wanna have lunch. I know how to keep a woman satisfied. When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide. They're always in the mood for something to munch. Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls just wanna have... That's all they really want. Is some lunch. Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch. 'Cause girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls just wanna have lunch. (Girls, they want, wanna have lunch. Girls, wanna have) She eats like she got a hole in her neck, And I'm the one that always gets stuck with the check. Can't figure out how come they don't weigh a ton. Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls just wanna have... That's all they really want, Is some lunch. Don't know for certain, but I've got a hunch. Those girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls just wanna have lunch. (Girls, they want, wanna have lunch. Girls, wanna have) They just wanna, they just wanna. (Girls) Girls just wanna have lunch. They just wanna, they just wanna. They just wanna (girls) Girls just wanna have lunch. They just wanna, they just wanna. They just wanna, they just wanna. (Girls) Girls just wanna have lunch. This Is The Life I eat filet mignon seven times a day. My bathtub's filled with Perrier. What can I say? This is the life! I buy a dozen cars when I'm in the mood. I hire somebody to chew my food. I'm an upwardly mobile dude. This is the life! They say that money corrupts you, But I can't really tell. I got the whole world at my feet, And I think it's pretty swell. I got women lined up outside my door. They've been waitin' there since the week before. Who could ask for more? This is the life! Wha-dop, wha-dop. You're dead for a real long time. You just can't prevent it. So if money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it. Yeah, every day I make the front page news. No time to pay my dues. I got a million pairs of shoes. This is the life! Ba ba da yia baba baba Ba ba da da dabba da ba Ba ba da dabby ya da B- ba ba ba ba dow-ah B-B-B Wawawa I got a solid gold Cadillac. I make a fortune while I sleep. You can tell I'm a living legend, Not some ordinary creep. No way, I'm the boss. The Big Cheese. Yeah, I got this town on its knobby little knees. I can do just what I please. This is the life! This is the life! That's right, I'm the king. Number One. I buy monogrammed Kleenex by the ton. I pay the bills, I call the shots, I grease the palms, I buy the yachts. One thing I can guarantee. The best things in life, they sure ain't free. It's such a thrill just to be me. This is the life! Whoah. This is the life! Cable TV I used to think my life was so empty, I used to think life was passin' me by. Well, I was just about ready to curl up and die. But then one day I got a visit From the cable company. Well, they hooked me up, and plugged me right in, And now I got cable TV. And now I get to watch the stock report in Korean, Midget wrestling on Channel Three. It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em, Yeah, but that's all right with me. I got cable TV, (Cable TV) Cable TV. (Cable TV) Oh, eighty-three channels of ecstasy. I love my cable TV, yeah, I love my cable TV. I got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network, The news and weather from Peru, I got Celebrity Hockey, The Racketball Channel too. Bugs Bunny direct from Atlanta, Mr. Wizard is on at five. I got a satellite dish on the trunk of my car, So I can watch MTV while I drive. I'm talkin' 'bout real quality programs, The kind you just can't get for free. Now I never wanna leave my apartment, 'Cause there's just so much for me to see. On my cable TV, (Cable TV) Cable TV. (Cable TV) Well, if you need to find me, You know where I'll be. Watchin' my cable TV, yeah, Watchin' my cable TV. 'Cause I love my cable TV, yeah, I love my cable TV. My friends are gettin' kinda worried, They think I'm turning into some kinda freak. Oh, but they're just jealous, 'cause I've seen "Porky's" Twenty-seven times this week. On my cable TV, (Cable TV) Cable TV. (Cable TV) Yeah, the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I love my cable TV, yeah, I love my cable TV. Well, I gotta have cable TV, yeah, I need my cable TV. Well, I love, I love my cable TV. I said I love my cable TV. Well, I gotta have my cable TV. I can't live without my cable TV. I said i got to have my cable TV. Gotta have cable TV. I said -bbbbbb- cable TV. Got to have cable TV-ee. (cable TV, yea) Hooked On Polkas ["State Of Shock" by The Jacksons w/ Mick Jagger] You're takin' to me good, Just like you know you should. You get me on my knees, Please, baby, please. She looks so great, everytime I see her face. She put me in a state (ooh, state of shock) ["Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top] Top coat. Top hat. I don't worry, 'cause my wallet's fat. Black shades. White glove. Lookin' sharp. Lookin' for love. They come a-runnin' just as fast as they can, 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man, hey! Whoo! Ah ha! ["What's Love Got To Do With It" by Tina Turner] Oh, what's love, got to do, got to do with it? What's love but a second-hand emotion? What's love got to do, got to do with it? Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken? ["Method Of Modern Love" by Hall & Oates] M-E-T-H-O-D-O-F-L-O-V-E, It's the method of modern love. ["Owner Of A Lonely Heart" by Yes] Owner of a lonely heart. Owner of a lonely heart, Much better than the Owner of a broken heart. Owner of a lonely heart. Yea. yea yea yea yea yea yea. ["We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister] We're not gonna take it. No! We ain't gonna take it. We're not gonna take it, any more. ["99 Luftballons" by Nena] 99 Von luftballons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont. Denkst du vielleicht Grad an mich. Dann singe ich ien Lied fur dich. ["Footloose" by Kenny Loggins] Now I gotta cut loose. Footloose. Kick off my Sunday shoes. Please! Louise! Pull me off-a my knees. Jack! Get back! Come on, before we crack! Lose your blues. Ev'rybody cut footloose! ["The Reflex" by Duran Duran] So why-- don't you use it. Try-- not to bruise it. Find-- time, don't lose it. ["Bang Your Head (Metal Health)" by Quiet Riot] Bang your head. Metal health'll drive ya mad. Bang your head. Metal health'll drive ya mad. ["Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood] Relax, don't do it. When you wanna go to it. Relax, don't do it. When you wanna come. Relax, don't do it. When you wanna sock it to it. Relax, don't do it. When you wanna come. When you wanna come. When you want to come. Polka Party! 1. Living With a Hernia 2. Dog Eat Dog 3. Addicted to Spuds 4. One of Those Days 5. Polka Party! 6. Here's Johnny 7. Don't Wear Those Shoes 8. Toothless People 9. Good Enough for Now 10. Christmas at Ground Zero Living With a Hernia (parody of "Living In America" by James Brown) (Help me out, Dig! ... ooh) All I do is grunt and groan Hurts me to walk anywhere Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones He took my trousers off, told me to cough (Doctor says there ain't nothin') to discuss He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss, woo! (Living with a hernia) Ow! All the time, such aggravation (Living with a hernia) Gonna be my ruination (Living with a hernia) Got to have an operation Feel so old, heh huh Too much back pain Good gawd, drives me insane Can't run, barely crawl Got a bulge in my intestinal wall Walk real funny, bless my soul Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl (You can't even do the splits now) Say it (Better call it quits now) I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow (Living with a hernia) huh Hurts me bad in a tender location (Living with a hernia) Had enough humiliation (Living with a hernia) yeaah-! Got to have an operation Ow! I (live with a hernia) Can't get up, can't bend over Now I (live with a hernia) Wait a minute... You may not be familiar with the common types Of hernias that you could get So just settle down, let me clue you in There's incomplete (incomplete) Epigastric (epigastric) Bladder (bladder) Strangulated (strangulated) Lumbar hernia (lumbar hernia) Richter's hernia (richter's hernia) Obstructed (obstructed) Inguinal and Direct (Living with a hernia)...Rupture! I said it's causin' me such irritation (Living with a hernia) whoo-ow! Have to have my medication (Living with a hernia) yeaa-! I feel bad! Dog Eat Dog Found a job in a great big office And I really love this place I got my, my very own Scotch tape dispenser And I got a private parking space...ha! And I-I got a coffee mug with my name right on it In big bold letters so everyone knows it's mine Don't even touch it, 'cause, 'cause it doesn't belong to you I'm watching you, so don't get funny I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder Watch out...It's dog eat dog Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog. Here we go I love to watch my boss get angry So I can count the veins in his neck...ha ! Every day is like a picnic Every Friday get a check Well, do I smell jelly donuts? This is my lucky day! I'll have some coffee with a carcinogenic sweetener Hold on a minute, just one more jelly donut They'll never miss it...No, they'll never miss it! I-I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right Watch out...Hey! Well, it's dog eat dog Sometimes I can't believe this is all really happening Sometimes I can't believe that I'm really sitting here Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful stapler!" Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful chair!" No-duddi-o d-du-du-oh-ya ha! ha! Nobody's sure what I do here And, ah, that's just fine with me Five o'clock is here much too soon now 'Cause I just never wanna leave I-I-I-I-I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals Maybe I could get on, on David Letterman I-I-I-I-I think I made a big mistake Where's my liquid paper? Where's my liquid paper? I-I'm climbing up, way up the corporate ladder now Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right Better be careful now, it's dog eat dog Watch me work...Hey! Hey! Stand back now! Look out, mama, it's dog eat dog Nose against the grindstone, it feels real good Hey! Dog eat dog. Here we go. (Doggy doggy dogdog - it's dog eat dog) I said pang-ang-angang, dog eat dog. (woof woof, hey hey) Dog eat dog, said, pbpbpbpbpb, dog eat dog. (Here we go, ha!) Dog eat dog. La la ha hee-, dog eat dog. La la la ha hee, dog eat dog. (ruff ruff, dog eat dog. dog eat dog). Addicted to Spuds (parody of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer) Potato skins, potato cakes Hash browns and instant flakes Baked or boiled or french fried There's no kind you haven't tried You planned a trip (ooh-oh-hoo) to Idaho Just to watch potatoes grow I understand how you must feel I can't deny they've got a peel Wo-oh, you like 'em whether they're plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough You know, you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to spuds Your greasy hands, your salty lips Looks like you found the chips Your belly aches, your teeth grind Some tater-tots would blow your mind And you don't mind if they're not cooked You need your fix, I guess you're hooked And late at night you always dream Of bacon-bits and sour cream Wo-oh, you like 'em even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah Wee hee hee hee, It's pretty obvious to me you can't get enough You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds I'm giving up, it's just no use Another case of spud abuse What can I say? what can I do? Potato bug has got me, too Wo-wo-oh, I used to hate 'em, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah Wee ee hee hee, I've often seen 'em whipped, but they just can't be beat Now I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds might as well face it, i'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds One of Those Days Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted 'Cause it's one of those days. It's just one of those days I lost one of my socks in the drier I can't find my wallet and my hair is on fire Just one of those days. It's just one of those days I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree A big swarm of locusts is following me There's not even anything good on TV It's just one of those days. It's just one of those days Left all my Beatles records out in the sun Got a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue It's just one of those days. Gonna be one of those days The Nazis tied me up and covered me with ants And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants Just one of those days. Ever have one of those days? The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone! It's just...just one of those, one of those days Just one of those, one of those days The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone Shouldn't have got up this morning, shoulda known It's just one of those days. It's just one of those days A 747 crashed into my den And there's nothin' but tater-tots for dinner again It's just one of those days Never mind, it's just one of those days Big steamroller just ran over my mom And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb It's just one of those days That's all, it's just one of those days Then late at night, just before I go to bed The world blows up and now everybody's dead You just can't deny it, it's just like I said Just...just one of those, one of those days Just one of those, one of those days It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days. Polka Party! ["Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel] You could have a big dipper going up and down, all around the bend. You could have a bumper-car bumping. This amusement never ends. I wanna be your sledgehammer. Why don't you call my name? Ah. Oh, let me be your sledgehammer. This will be my testimony, yea. yea. ["Sussudio" by Phil Collins] There's a girl that's been on my mind all the time, Su-Sussudio. Oh-oh. Now, she don't even know my name, but I think she likes me just the same. Su-Susudio. Oh-oh. ["Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy] My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time. She parties all the time. ["Say You, Say Me" by Lionel Richie] (Say you) Say me. Say it for always - that's the way it should be. (Say you) Say me. Say it together, (naturally) ["Freeway Of Love" by Aretha Franklin] We're going riding on the freeway of love - wind's against our back. We're going riding on the freeway of love in a pink Cadillac. ["What You Need" by INXS] That's why- you need. Ooh, that's why- I'll give you what you need. I'll give you what you need. ["Harlem Shuffle" by The Rolling Stones] Ya ya ya, do the Harlem polka. (ev'rybody, now) Ya ya ya, do the Harlem polka. ["Venus" by Bananarama] She's got it. yea, baby, she's got it. Well, I'm your Venus. I'm your fire. What's your desire? ["Nasty" by Janet Jackson] Nasty! Nasty boys! Don't mean a thing. Oh, you nasty boys. Nasty! Nasty boys! Don't ever change. Oh, you nasty boys. I like this part ["Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco] Ooh, rock me Amadeus. Ooh, rock me Amadeus. Ooh, rock me Amadeus. Ooh. ["Shout" by Tears For Fears] Shout. Shout. Let it all out. These are the things I can do without, come on. I'm talking to you, come on. ["Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna] Ple-ease, Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble deep. Papa don't preach. I've been losin' sleep. But I made up my mind. I'm keping my baby. Ooh, I'm gonna keep my baby. I'm gonna kee-eep my-- baby! (keep my baby, keep my baby, keep my baby) Hey! Here's Johnny (parody of "Who's Johnny ("Short Circuit" Theme)" by El DeBarge) There he goes, he drives me crazy When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!) That's his job, it's so amazing All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!) I never miss a moment when he's on the tube His being there has made my life worth living The chills run down my spine Each time he says that line "Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way "...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him "Here's Johnny!" he says, and second fiddle is his game Ed McMahon's his name...all right Woa-woa-oh, oh, yea Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!) Watch him selling beer and dog food Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!) I got a letter from him just the other day He said, "You may already be a winner!" A trooper to the end A Clydesdale's best friend "Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way "...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him "Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay What a living! Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no (Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it (Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same Ed McMahon's his name A very special guy...all right He's on every night Can't change the channel When he's sitting on the panel (Hee-eere's Johnny!) There he goes, he gives me goose bumps When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!) "Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way "...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him "Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame Ed McMahon's his name (Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny) Hohohoho (Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny) Hohohoho (Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny) Hohohoho Hee-ere's- (Here's Johnny) Don't Wear Those Shoes I don't care If you wreck my car or shave off all my hair You can go And run your vacuum during my favorite show And I'll let you call up folks in Europe you don't even know Anything you want, babe, if it makes you happy But I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes You can spend my money, you can waste my time Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes Don't wear those shoes It's all right You can play your Twisted Sister every night I suppose You can lick the middles out of my Oreos Or start laughing when you're drinking milk so it comes out your nose And you know that I'd do anything to please you But I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes You can spit in my face if you're so inclined Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes (Oh no, oh no) Oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no Oh no, please don't wear those...(shoe--s) Use my razor to shave your legs or eat crackers in bed Stomp the poodle till it's flat You could even shove a six-inch railroad spike through my head I could learn to live with that But now I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes You can whip me, beat me, rob me blind Baby I don't mind, but please don't wear those... I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze But baby, please don't wear those shoes You can make me an offer I can't refuse But darling, please don't wear those shoes You can play your bongos while I'm trying to snooze But honey, please don't wear those shoes You can expose yourself on the six o'clock news But please, please don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes Toothless People (parody of "Ruthless People" by Mick Jagger) They only show you their gums when they smile Ain't got a tooth in their heads now...how vile Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss Hey! Stand up! Toothless people...their breath is lethal, wanna tell ya Hey...come on! Stand up...get on your feet! Toothless people...old and feeble, what I say No more of those pearly whites will they possess Their oral hygiene is frightful...a mess Lots of 'em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease At least they don't have to worry 'bout cavities Hey! Stand up...take out your teeth! Toothless people...old and feeble, oh yes You can brush 'em, you can floss 'em They're something you just can't ignore If you lose 'em, you're in trouble 'Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more You need something to show your dentist The next time he makes you say "ahh..." You don't wanna have to wind up Eating all of your food through a straw (Like toothless people Toothless people...) You'd better brush your teeth now (Hey...) Toothless, toothless, toothless, toothless people Hey! Stand up, toothless people. Good Enough for Now Oh, I couldn't live a single day without you Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, honey, you're the greatest Well, at any rate, I guess you're...pretty good Now, it seems to me I'm relatively lucky I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more I honestly can say you're an above-average lady You're almost just what I've been looking for You're sort of everything I ever wanted You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow You're the woman that I've always dreamed of Well, not really...but you're good enough for now You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for That's why my love for you is fairly strong And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin' At least 'til something better comes along 'Cause you're sort of everything I ever wanted You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow You're the woman that I've always dreamed of Well, not really...but you're good enough for now No, not really...but you're good enough for now Christmas at Ground Zero It's Christmas at Ground Zero There's music in the air The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin' While the air-raid sirens blare It's Christmas at Ground Zero The button has been pressed The radio just let us know That "This is not a test..." Everywhere the atom-bombs are droppin' It's the end of all humanity No more time for last-minute shoppin' It's time to face your final destiny Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero There's panic in the crowd We can dodge debris while we trim the tree Underneath a mushroom cloud You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop Or Jack Frost on your windowsill But if someone's climbin' down your chimney You better load your gun and shoot to kill Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero And if the radiation level's okay I'll go out with you and see the all new Mutations on New Year's Day It's Christmas at Ground Zero Just seconds left to go I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover Underneath the mistletoe It's Christmas at Ground Zero Now the missiles are on their way What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked On this jolly holiday What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked On this jolly holiday Even Worse 1. Fat 2. Stuck in a Closet with Vanna White 3. (This Song's Just) Six Words Long 4. You Make Me 5. I Think I'm a Clone Now 6. Lasagna 7. Melanie 8. Alimony 9. Velvet Elvis 10. Twister 11. Good Old Days Fat (parody of "Bad" by Michael Jackson) Your butt is wide, well mine is too. Just watch your mouth, or I'll sit on you. The word is out, better treat me right, Cause I'm the king of cellulite. Ham on (now) ham on ham on whole wheat, (now) all right. My zippers bust, my buckles break. I'm too much man for you to take. The pavement cracks when I fall down. I've got more chins than Chinatown. (now) Well I've never used a phone booth, And I've never seen my toes. (now) When I'm goin' to the movies I take up seven rows. Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on you know. (Fat fat--really really fat) Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout. Just tell me once again: Who's fat? Huha huha huha huha huha When I walk out to get my mail, It measures on the Richter scale. Down at the beach I'm a lucky man. I'm the only one who gets a tan. If I have one more pie a la mode I'm gonna need my own zip code. When you're only having seconds, I'll be having twenty-thirds. When I go to get my shoes shined, I gotta take their word. Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know. (Fat fat--really really fat) And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds. Lemme tell you once again who's fat. If you see me comin' your way, Better give me plenty space. If I tell you that I'm hungry, Then won't you feed my face. Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know. (Fat fat--really really fat) Woo woo woo. (When I sit around the house, I really sit around the house). You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know you know you know--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) And you know all by myself I'm a crowd. Lemme tell you once again. You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat--you know, hoo. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know. (Fat fat--really really fat) And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud. Just tell me once again--who's fat? Stuck In A Closet With Vanna White Doctor, every night I have the strangest dreams-uh. Doctor, listen to me, tell me what this means-uh. First I'm goin' shoppin' in my underwear, Then all of sudden I'm floating in mid air. My lips fall off and everybody starts to stare. Donuts and hot dogs are flying everywhere. Now Doctor, wait a minute, you ain't heard nothin' yet-uh. Next comes the part that I won't ever forget-uh. Now I'm bein' followed by these Russian spies. They give me some velcro, and an order of fries. Suddenly I'm bowling on the Starship Enterprise. I fall down a hole and that's when I realize I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Night after night after night after night. All right! Doctor, won't you tell me, am I going insane-uh? Was it something I ate, or something wrong with my brain-uh? See, I'm naked in church when I meet a dinosaur. Try to run, but my feet have been nailed to the floor. Then a midget pushes me through a revolving door, And I'm back in the very same place I was before. Now, I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Night after night after night after night. (And I can't bust out, and I can't break free) And it's gettin' just a little too stuffy here for me. (And I can't go home, and I can't get loose,) And I try to escape, but it's just no use. (And I can't ever leave, and I can't ever win) And we're runnin' outta air, and the walls are closin' in. (And I can't go back, and I can't get through) But Vanna, since you're here, why don't you let me buy a vowel from you? Come on Vanna, come on! Ow! Doctor, all those crazy dreams have started again-uh. That's right, I even wake up screaming now and then-uh. See, I'm coming home from work, but I forgot my address. I'm half an hour late for my algebra test. Then some slimy alien jumps out of my chest, And I'm falling and falling, and I guess you know the rest. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Night after night after night after night I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Stuck in a closet with Vanna White. N-n-n-night after night after ni-ni-night. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Yea yea yea yea, yea yea, yea yea yea. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Night after night after night after night. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Yea yea yea yea yea yea yea yea yea yea. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. (This Song's Just) Six Words Long (parody of "Got My Mind Set On You" by George Harrison) This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. Couldn't think of any lyrics. No, I never wrote the lyrics, So I'll just sing any old lyrics That come to mind, child. You really need words, Whole lotta rhymin' words, You gotta write so many words. Mm, To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, To do it, to do it right, child. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. I know that you're probably sore 'Cause I didn't write any more. I just didn't get to complete it, So that's why I gotta repeat it. This song's just six words long. (Six words long.) This song's just six words long. (Six words long.) Oh, I make a lotta money. They pay me a ton of money. They're payin' me plenty of money To sing this song, child. I gotta fill time, Three minutes worth of time. Oh, how will I fill so much time? Mm. I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo. A solo, a solo here. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's got nothin' to say, But I'm recording it anyway. I know if I put my mind to it, I know I could fing a good rhyme here. Oh, you gotta have-a music, You need really catchy music. This song has got plenty of music, But just six words, child. And so I sing 'em over And over and over and over, And over and over and over. Mm, And over and over and over and over And over and over again. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. This song's just six words long. It's just six words long. You Make Me You make me wanna slam my head against the wall. You make me do the limbo. You make me wanna buy a slurpee at the mall. You make me watch the Gong Show. There's really something kinda strange about you, baby, but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it. You make me, you make me, you make me. That's what you do to me. You make me wanna hide a weasel in my shorts. You make me wanna phone home. You make me wanna write a dozen book reports, Then pack myself in styrofoam. Sometimes you make me want to build a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles. You make me, you make me, you make me. That's what you do to me. That's what you do, That's what you do. That's what you do to me. You make me wanna hang out in a trailer park, Then take my hamster to the beach. You make me wanna do my laundry in the dark, And use a recommended bleach. When I'm with you, I don't know whether I should study neurosurgery or go to see the Care Bears movie. You make me, you make me, you make me. That's what you do to me. (You make me) That's what you do, (You make me) That's what you do. That's what, what you do to me. That's what you do to me, That's what you do to me. That's what you do to me. Oh--woo--oh. You make me wanna break the laws of time and space. You make me wanna eat pork. You make me wanna staple bagels to my face, Then remove 'em with a pitchfork. You know there's something quite unusual about you, but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it. You make me, you make me, you make me. That's what you do to me. (You make me) That's what you do, (You make me) That's what you do. (You make me) That's what, what you do to me. (You make me) That's what you do, (You make me) That's what you do. (You make me) That's what you d-d-d-do to me. (You make me) That's what you do, (You make me) That's what you do. (You make me) That's what you do to me! I Think I'm A Clone Now (parody of "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany) Isn't it strange? Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror. What would people say, If only they knew that I was Part of some geneticist's plan, Born to be a carbon copy man. There in a petri dish, late one night, They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg, and so I say I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) There's always two of me just a-hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now, (a clone now) 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down. Look at the way We go out walkin' close together. I guess you could say I'm really beside myself. I still remember how it began, They produced a carbon copy man. Born in a science lab, late one night. Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) There's always two of me just a-hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now, (a clone now) 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down. I think I'm a clone now, (a clone now) And I can stay at home while I'm out of town. I think I'm a clone now, (a clone now) 'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down. Signing autographs for my fans, Come and meet the carbon copy man. Livin' in stereo, it's all right. Well, I can be my own best friend, and I can send myself for pizza, so I say I think I'm a clone now. Another one of me's always hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now, 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down. I think I'm a clone now. ( a clone now) I've been on Oprah Winfrey, I'm world-renowned. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) That's my genetic twin, always hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) Lasagna (parody of "La Bamba" by Los Lobos) La-la-la-la-lasagna. You want-a some-a lasagna, magnifico, Or a-maybe spaghetti! Ay, you supper's a-ready now, where you go? Mama mia bambino! Mama mia bambino, 'samatta you? 'Samatta you, 'samatta you? You should-a taste my lasagna. Ay, you no like-a lasagna, That's okay too. How about-a calzone? Some-a nice minestrone, atsa good for you. Have-a some marinara. Have-a some marinara, I know you like. I know you like, I know you like. La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna! Would you like some-a zucchini? Or-a my homemade linguini, it's hard to beat. Have-a more fettucini. Ay, you getting too skeeny, you gotta to eat. Ay, mange, mange! Ay, you-a pass the lasagna! A-don't you get any on ya, you sloppy peeg. Have-a more ravioli. You-a get roly poly, a-nice and-a beeg. Like you cousin Luigi. Luigi, Luigi, capisce paisan? Capisce paisan, capisce paisan? La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna! Hey! Hey! Melanie Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? She lived across the street on the fifteenth floor of the Galemore building. I saw her in the shower reaching for some soap. I knew she had to be the girl for me, and to think I probably never would have found her, If I hadn't bought that telescope, oh. Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? I just can't understand it. Why won't you return my phone calls? Are you still mad I gave a mohawk to your cat? If you'd just say the word, I'm certain that our love would last forever and ever, Or are you too dumb to realize that? Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-ehlanie, Why won't you go out with me? How can you ignore me, when you know that I can't live without you? I have to go through your garbage just to learn more about you. Melanie, (ooh-ooh-ooh-) Oh sweet Me-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? You weren't impressed when I tattooed your name across my forehead. You wouldn't listen when I promised to be true. I couldn't stand it, so I jumped out from the sixteenth story window right above you. Now I may be dead but I still love you. Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? I'm singin' Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? I'm singin' Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? Singin' Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? Alimony (parody of "Mony Mony" by Billy Idol) Here she come now, wants her alimony. Bleedin' me dry as a bony bony. Work at three jobs just to stay in debt now. Well first she took my nest egg, then she took the nest. I said yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah. 'Cause she took my house. (alimony) My car, (alimony) My shoes. (alimony) and my toothbrush too. (alimony) Too bad. (alimony) So sad. (alimony) A-she got. (alimony) got the gift of grab. (alimony) I'm in debt (debt) debt (debt) debt (debt) debt (debt) debt (debt) debt. Lawyer's callin' me on the telephony. Tryin'-a squeeze-a blood from a stony stony. Ooh, I took her for better or for worse, yeah. Then she took me for everything, yeah everything She could get (get) get (get) get (get) get (get) get. Well I'm out of cash. (alimony) No dough. I'm broke. (alimony) It's no joke. The check's in the mail. (alimony) Get off (alimony) My back. (alimony) cut me some slack. (alimony) I said yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah. (Ooh, I want my almo-mo-mony) Oh you do? (Ooh, I want my almo-mo-mony) Is it due? (Ooh, I want my almo-mo-mony) Or you'll sue? (Ooh, I want my almo-mo-mony) Alimony (yeah) mony (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah. Wow! Alimony. Alimony. Alimony. Alimony. I said, come on, come on, come on. Alimony. Alimony. Alimony. Bleed one dry, I said "no" (no) oh no (no) no (no) no (no) no, come on! Alimony. Alimony. Velvet Elvis My life, it used to be incomplete, Till I saw what I was looking for at a drive-in swap meet. My life it won't be the same again. Now I'm proud to say the king lives on inside my den. Oh---, it's all I live for, it's all I need. My velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis. My velvet Elvis means the world to me. Yo-oh, yo-oh, yo-oh oh oh. Although he may not be worth much dough, He means much more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh. Check out those sideburns, there is nothing greater. You can tell that he's no velvet Elvis imitator. Oh---, It's all I live for, it's all I need. My velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis. Oh, now you can't you see, My velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis, My velvet Elvis means the world to me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh oh. In my own private Graceland, In my own little shrine to the king, I don't want nothin' else. No, I don't need anything. Don't need no lava lamp, Don't need no soap on a rope, No pictures of Mexican kids with those really big eyes, Or dogs playing poker. Oh---. When I'm at home watching my TV, I know the king is always looking down on me. He looks so handsome, he stands so tall, So glad he's big enough to cover up that hole in the wall. (Velvet Elvis) He's so fuzzy. (Velvet Elvis) He's so great. (Velvet Elvis) Never ages. (Velvet Elvis) Never puts on weight. (Velvet Elvis) Look at those rhinestones. (Velvet Elvis) He's just so fine. (Velvet Elvis) You can look but don't touch now. (Velvet Elvis) 'Cause he's mine all mine. Whoa-oh-oh oh oh. Twister Yeah! (Well) Well, Milton Bradley's got a def one. It's a Twister! (Twister! Twister! Twister!) Yeah, all the girls and homeboys Playin' Twister! (Twister! Twister! Twister!) Spin the spinner and call the shot. Twister ties you up in a knot. That's Twister. Yeah, Twister! Check it! Right foot blue! (Right foot blue!) Left hand red! (Left hand red!) Left! Right! Yellow! Blue! Green! Yeah, Twister! Now, everybody's chillin' With the Twister. (Twister!) Wherever things are illin', You'll find Twister! (Twister! Twister!) That's Twister. Yeah, Twister! Yeah buddy! You gotta get it. Yeah Twister! From M.B.! Good Old Days Oh sometimes I think back to when I was younger, Life was so much simpler then. Dad would be up at dawn, He'd be waterin' the lawn, Or maybe goin' fishin' again. Oh, and Mom would be fixin' up somethin' in the kitchen, Fresh biscuits or hot apple pies. And I'd spend all day long in the basement, torturing Rats with a hacksaw, and pulling the wings off of flies. Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by, but the memory stays. And those were the good old days. I can still remember good old Mister Fender, Who ran the corner grocery store. Oh, he'd stroll down the aisle with a big friendly smile, And he'd say howdy when you walked in the door. Always treated me nice, Gave me kindly advice, I don't know why I set fire to his place. Oh, I'll never forget the day I bashed in his head. Well, you should have seen the look on his face. Lemme tell ya now, Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by, but the memory stays. And those were the good old days. Do you remember sweet Michele? She was my high school romance. She was fun to talk to, and nice to smell, So I took her to the homecoming dance. Then I tied her to a chair, And I shaved off all her hair, And I left her in the desert all alone. Well, sometimes in my dreams, I can still hear the screams, Oh, I wonder if she ever made it home? I tell ya, Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by, but the memory stays. And those were the good old days. Let me tell ya buddy, Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by, but the memory stays. And those were the good old days. UHF Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff 1. Money For Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies 2. Gandhi II 3. Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters From a Planet Near Mars 4. Isle Thing 5. The Hot Rocks Polka 6. UHF 7. Let Me Be Your Hog 8. She Drives Like Crazy 9. Generic Blues 10. Spatula City 11. Fun Zone 12. Spam 13. The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota Money For Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies (parody of "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits) Beverly. Beverly Hillbillies. Huh, Now, looka here, people, listen to my story, A little story 'bout a man named Jed. You know somethin', that poor mountaineer, They say he barely kept his family fed. Now lemme tell ya, one day he was shootin'. Ol' Jed was shootin' at some food. When all of a sudden, right up from the ground there, Well, there came a bubblin' crude. Oil, that is. Well, maybe you call it Black gold or Texas tea-e-e-e-e-e. He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale, And be a Beverly Hillbilly. Before you know it, all the kinfolk are a-sayin', Yeah, Buddy, move away from there. That litle Clampett got his own cee-ment pond. That little Clampett, he's a millionaire. Now everyone said, "Californy Is the place that you oughta be". We got to load up this here truck now. We got to move to Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimmin' pools, Move-a-move-a-movie stars. Huh, looka that looka that. (beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly) Y'all come back now, hear? (beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly) (beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly) (beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly) Gandhi II Next week, on U-62, he's back! And this time, he's mad. Gandhi II! No more Mr. Passive Resistance. He's out to kick some butt. This is one bad mother you don't want to mess with. "Don't move, slimeball." He's a one-man wrecking crew, but he also knows how to party. "Gimme a steak, medium rare" There is only one law--his law. Gandhi II! Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Near Mars They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago. They looked so sweet and harmless. Tell me, how was I to know? They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise. They grew to forty-thousand times their original size. They started mutating right before my eyes, oh my. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. A race from a distant place, they came in UFO's shaped just like Cuban cigars. Man, oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal. Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. The President, he's in a panic. the Pentigon, they're in shock. Their's a team of research scientists. They've got them working 'round the clock. Now the National Guard is out in my backyard, And the Marines will be comin' around. I hope they get those lousy rodents out of my town. Cause the property values are goin' way down now. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. They're back and they're lookin for a snack. And they're not that fond of Burger King or salad bars. I hope they're not plannin' to stay. Who invited 'em here, anyway? Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp. And there's one the size of Central Park. They're usin' telephone poles to pick their teeth. They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark. Well, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys, You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot. They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world. But you gotta admit they're really kinda cute, now. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. What a racket they're makin', Jack, They keep me up at night playin' their electric guitars. Listen to 'em squeal. They think the whole stinkin'world is their exercise wheel. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. Hey, Jack, you better watch your back, Here come those hamsters from a planet near Mars Well, well, it's called the attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet, a planet near Mars. Isle Thing (parody of "Wild Thing" by Tone Loc) Met this fine young thing at the local Circle-K. She made a date for a half past eight, and I said, "What the hey." So I journeyed to her crib, and I let myself inside. That chick was slouched down on the couch. I think her brain was fried. Couldn't figure it out. She wouldn't even look at me. Then I saw her eyes - she was hypnotized - cold glued to her TV. Said, "What's your problem, baby doll? Let's have a little fling." She said, "Hey, you fool, now just be cool. I'm watchin that Gilligan's Isle thing." Isle Thing. (isle thing) Isle Thing. Watchin all night. Must've been a marathon. I was bummin', those shows kept comin'. Here's what was goin' on. These castaways were stranded on this island out at sea. One of 'em called Gilligan said, "Let's name it after me." He'd mess up every rescue. Man, that first mate was illin'. If I was one of them castaways, I think I'd prob'ly kill him. Just about that time, the telephone began to ring. She said, "Just let it, my machine'll get it. We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle Thing." Isle Thing. She loves that Gilligan's Isle Thing. Isle Thing. (isle thing) Please, baby baby, please. I liked the professor. He always saved their butts. He could build a nuclear reactor from a couple of coconuts. She said, "That guy's a genius." I shook my head and laughed. I said, "If he's so fly, then tell me why he couldn't build a lousy raft? And while we're on the subject, I'll tell you one thing for sure. Those homeboys brought an awful lot for just a three-hour tour." Then her mom came in the room. It was kind of embarrassing. She said, "Hey, you two, I was once like you, And I loved that Gilligan's Isle Thing." Isle Thing. She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle Thing. Please, baby baby, please. Skipper's in a hammock. He's lookin' kinda fat. He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit ol' Gilligan with his hat. Mrs. Howell got it goin' on, but Mr. Howell was meaner. Ginger and Mary Ann could've used some funky cold medina. I was really diggin' this show. I didn't know what to do. It kinda looked like I was hooked. Now I'm an addict too. I know each episode by heart. Now I'm the Rerun King. And on every date we both say up late, And watch the Gilligan's Isle Thing. Isle Thing. Hasta la vista, Little Buddy. Gilligan's Isle Thing. The Hot Rocks Polka (medley of songs by The Rolling Stones) ["It's Only Rock 'n Roll (But I Like It)"] If I could stick my hand in my heart, Spill it all over the stage, Would it satisfy you, would it slide on by you, Would you think the boy is strange? Ain't it stra-ya-ange, If I could win, if I could sing A love song so divine, Would it be enough for your cheating heart If I broke down and cried? If I cri-yi-ied? I said I know it's only rock 'n' roll, but I like it. I know it's only rock 'n' roll, but I like it, like it, yes I do. I really really really really do do do do do, hey! ["Brown Sugar"] Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields, Sold in a market down in New Orleans. Scarred old slaver, know he's doing all right. Hear him with the women just around midnight. (Brown sugar!) How come you taste so good? (Brown sugar!) Just like a young girl should. ["You Can't Always Get What You Want"] I saw her today at the reception. A glass of wine in her hand. I knew she would meet her connection. At her feet was a footloose man. You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find You get what you need. ["Honky Tonk Women"] You need honky tonk women. Gimme gimme gimme the honky tonk blues. ["Under My Thumb"] Under my thumb, the girl who once had me down. Under my thumb, the girl who once pushed me around. It's down to me, yes it is. The way she talks when she's spoken to. Down to me, the change has come, she's under my thumb. ["Ruby Tuesday"] So goodbye, Ruby Tuesday. Who could hang a name on you? When you change with every new day. Still, I'm gonna miss you. ["Miss You"] Hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo. Hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo. ["Sympathy For The Devil"] Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. (hoo hoo) I've been around for a long, long year, Stole many a man's soul and faith. (hoo hoo) Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name, (hoo hoo) 'Cause what's puzzling you is the nature of my game. (hoo hoo) ["Get Off Of My Cloud"] I said hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud. Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud. Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud. Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd. ["Shattered"] (Shadoobie, shattered.) (Shadoobie, shattered.) Laughter, joy and loneliness and sex and sex and sex and sex. Look at me, I'm in tatters. (Shadoobie.) I'm shattered, (Shadoobie, shattered.) ["Let's Spend The Night Together"] This doesn't happen to me every day, wo my. (Let's spend the night together) No excuses offered anyway, oh my. (Let's spend the night together) I'll satisfy your every need. (every need) And now I know you'll satisfy me. My my my my my my my. Let's spend the night together. Now I need you more than ever. Let's spend the night together, now. My my my my my. ["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction"] I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no girly action, 'Cause I've tried (and I've tried) and I've tried (and I've tried) And I've tried (and I've tried) and I've tried (and I've tried) I can't get no I can't get no I...can't...get...no... Satisfaction. Satisfaction. Satisfaction. Hey! Hey! UHF Put down your remote control, throw out your TV guide. Put away your jacket, there's no need to go outside. Don't you know that we control the horizontal. We control the vertical, too. We gonna make a couch potato out of you. That's what we're goin' to do, now. Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial. We got it all on UHF. Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile. (We got it all) on UHF. Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job. Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob. We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF. Disconnect the phone, now, leave the dishes in the sink. You better put away your homework, prime time ain't no time to think. All you do is make yourself a TV dinner. Press your face right up against the screen. We gonna show you things you ain't ever seen. If you know what I mean, now. Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial. We got it all on UHF. Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile. (We got it all) on UHF. Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job. Just crank up your volume and yank off your knob. We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF. You can watch us all day, you can watch us all night. You can watch us any time that you please. You can sit around and stare at the picture tube Till your brain turns to cottage cheese. Well, now, don't change the channel, don't touch that dial. (We got it all on UHF.) Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile. (We got it all) on UHF. Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job. You gotta crank up the volume, yank off the knob. We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF. (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) We got it all (We got it all on UHF) on UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) We got it all, we got it all (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) We got it all, we got it all (We got it all on UHF) UHF Let Me Be Your Hog Let me be your hog. Let me be your hog, now. I said, baby baby baby baby, baby baby baby baby, baby baby baby baby. (sound of record being scratched) She Drives Like Crazy (parody of "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals) Where'd you learn how to steer? You go 80 in second-gear. When you drive, I can't relax. Got your license from Cracker Jacks. You just hit another tree. These fender-benders are killin' me. She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) Like no one else. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. And I'm afraid for myself.(ooh ooh) They'll put you behind bars. We're not playin' bumper cars. Did a great figure-eight In the middle of the Interstate. Tires squeal wherever we go. Even hitchhikers just say no. She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) Her car's a mess. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. She's got a death wish, I guess. (ooh ooh) She's a demon behind the wheel. Thinks she's drivin' the Batmobile. Burnin' rubber in school zones. Runnin' over traffic cones. Passin' semis on the right. Now my knuckles are turnin' white. She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) She'll break our necks. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. She always gets into wrecks. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) Like no one else. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. Now I'm afraid for myself. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) Like no one else. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. Generic Blues I woke up this mornin', Then I went back to bed. Said I woke up this mornin', Then I went right back to bed. Got a funny kinda feelin', Like I got broken glass in my underwear, And a herd of wild pigs is tryin' to chew off my head. You know what I'm sayin'? Well, I ain't got no money, I'm just walkin' down the road. Said I ain't got no money, honey, So I'm just walkin' down this lonely old road. Well, I wish I could get me some money, But I forgot my automated teller code. I was born in a paper sack, in the bottom of a sewer. I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor, My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tile. My brothers and sisters all hated me,'cause I was an only child. I got the blues so bad. Whoo! Kinda wish I was dead. Maybe I'll blow my brains out, mama. Or maybe I'll, yeah, maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead. I'm just a no-good, scum-sucking, nose-picking, boot-licking, snivelling, grovelling worthless hunk of slime. Nothin' but a low-down, beer-bellied, bone-headed, pigeon-toed, turkey- necked, weasel-faced worthless hunk of slime. I guess I've got a pretty low self-image, maybe it's a chemical imbalance or something. I should probably go and see a doctor about it when I've got the time. Guitar - Aw, make it talk, son, make it talk. Okay, now make it shut up. Plagues and famine and pestilence always seem to get me down. I always feel so miserable whenever I'm around. I wish somebody would come along, stick a pitchfork through my brain. I'd flush myself right down the toilet, but I'd just clog up the drain. I got the blues so bad, Whoo! Kinda wish I was dead. Maybe I'll blow my brains out, mama, Or maybe I'll go bowling. Or I just might go bowling. Maybe I'll just rent some shoes and go bowling. Maybe I'll join a league, enter a tournament, put on a stupid-lookin' shirt and go bowling, Instead. Yea-heh-ah. Spatula City There's just one place to go for all your spatula needs: (Spatula City! Spatula City!) A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion. Thousands to choose from, in every shape, size and color. And because we eliminate the middle man, We can sell all our spatulas factory direct to you. Where do you go when you want to buy name brand spatulas at a fraction of retail cost? (Spatula City! Spatula City!) And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale. Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth for just one penny. Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents. And what better way to say, "I Love You" than with the gift of a spatula. Spatula City! Spatula City! "Hello, this is Sy Grimsley, President of Spatula City. I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company." Spatula City! Seven locations. We're in the Yellow Pages under "Spatulas". "My, where did you get that lovely spatula?" ("Spatula City. We sell spatulas, and that's all!") Fun Zone (Instrumental) Spam (parody of "Stand" by R.E.M.) Spam in the place where I live. (ham and pork) Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now. (oh boy) Spam in my lunchbox at work. (it's the best) Really makes a darn good sandwich, any way you slice it at all. If you're running low, go to the store. Carry some money to help you buy more. The tab is there to open the can. The can is there to hold in the spam. Oh, spam on the table at home. (ham and pork) Think about selection, are there different flavors now. (let's eat) Spam in my office at work. (it's the best) Think about the stuff it's made from, wonder if it's mystery meat. If you need a spoon, keep one around. Carry a thermos to help wash it down. Now if there's some left, don't just throw it out. Use it for spackle or bathroom grout, now. Spam in my pantry at home. (have some more) Think of expiration, better read the label now. (oh boy) Spam breakfast, dinner or lunch. (it's the best) Think about how it's been pre-cooked, wonder if I'll just eat it cold. Now once you start in, you can't put it down. Don't leave it sitting or it'll turn brown. The key is going to open the tin. The tin is there to keep the spam in. Oh spam, (spam!) (ham and pork) Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now. (oh boy) Spam, (spam!) (it's the best) Really makes a darn good sandwich any way you slice it. Spam in the place where I live. (have some more) Think about addiction, wonder if I'm a junkie now. (let's eat) Spam in the place where I work. (you're obsessed) Think about the way it's processed, wonder if it's some kind of meat. Spam in the back of my car. (ham and pork) (Spam any place that you are) The tab is there to open the can. (Spam any place that you are) The can is there to open the spam. Oh spam. The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming. After workin' all year down at Big Roy's Heating and Plumbing. So one night, when my family and I were gathered 'round the dinner table, I said, "Kids, If you could go anywhere in this great big world, now Where'd you like to go to?" They said, "Dad... We wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota." They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. So the very next day we loaded up the car With potato skins and pickled weiners, Crossword puzzles, Spiderman comics and mama's homemade rhubarb pie, Pulled out of the driveway, and the neighbors, they all waved goodbye. And so began our three-day journey. We picked up a guy holdin' a sign that said "Twine Ball or Bust." He smelled real bad, and he said his name was Bernie. I put in a Slim Whitman tape, my wife put on a brand new hair net. Kids were in the back seat jumpin' up and down, yellin' "Are we there yet?" And all of us were joined together in one common thought, As we rolled down the long and winding Interstate in our '53 DeSoto. We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. We're headin' for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Oh, we couldn't wait to get there, so we drove straight through for three whole days and nights. Of course, we stopped for more pickled weiners now and then. The scenery was just so pretty, Boy, I wish the kids could've seen it. But you can't see out of the side of the car because the windows are completely covered with the decals from all the places where we've already been. Like Elvis-a-Rama, the Tupperware Museum, The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World, The Shuffleboard Hall of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock, And the Mecca of Albino Squirrels. We've been to ghost towns, theme parks, wax museums, And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree. Seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches, But there's still one thing we've gotta see. Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39, And we saw the sign that said, "Twine Ball Exit - fifty miles." Oh, the kids were so happy, they started singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" for the twenty-seventh time that day. So we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station, Got a few more pickled weiners and a diet chocolate soda, On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Finally at 7:37 early Wednesday evening, as the sun was setting in the Minnesota sky, Out in the distance, on the horizon it appeared to me like a vision before my unbelieving eyes. We parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence toward that glorious, huge, majestic sphere. I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer immensity, I had to pop myself a beer. Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open 10 to 8 on weekdays, in a little shrine under a makeshift pagoda, There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. I tell you, it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Ohhh, what on Earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing. Ohhh, windin' up twenty-one thousand, one-hudred, forty pounds of string. What was he tryin' to prove? Who was he tryin' to impress? Why did he build it? How did he do it? It's anybody's guess. Where did he get the twine? What was goin' through his mind? Did it just seem like a good idea at the time? Well, we walked up beside it, and I warned the kids, "Now you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason." I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car, and we can take it home." But I was only teasin'. Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line. Bought a souvenir miniature ball of twine, Some window decals, and anything else they'd sell us. And I bought a couple postcards: "Greetings from the Twine Ball, wish you were here." Won't the folks back home be jealous. I gave our camera to Bernie, and we stood by the ball, And we all gathered around and said, "Cheese." Then Bernie ran away with my brand new Instamatic, But at least we've got our memories. So we all just stared at the ball for awhile, And my eyes got moist, but I said with a smile, "Kids, this here's what America's all about." Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside, And I fell on my knees and I cried and cried. And that's when those security guards threw us out. You know, I bet if we unravelled that sucker, it'd roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota, 'Cause it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn. In the morning we were on our way home again. But we really didn't wanna leave, that was perfectly clear. I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go." Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know, I got a funny kinda feeling we'll be coming back again next year." 'Cause I've been all around this great big world, and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go to Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Minnesota. Minnesota. Minnesota. Off the Deep End 1. Smells Like Nirvana 2. Trigger Happy 3. I Can't Watch This 4. Polka Your Eyes Out 5. I Was Only Kidding 6. The White Stuff 7. When I Was Your Age 8. Taco Grande 9. Airline Amy 10. The Plumbing Song 11. You Don't Love Me Anymore Smells Like Nirvana (parody of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana) What is this song all about? Can't figure any lyrics out How do the words to it go? I wish you'd tell me, I don't know Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Now I'm mumblin' And I'm screamin' And I don't know What I'm singin' Crank the volume Ears are bleedin' I still don't know What I'm singin' We're so loud and Incoherent Boy this oughta Bug your parents Yeah It's unintelligible I just can't get it through my skull It's hard to bargle nawdle zouss(?) With all these marbles in my mouth Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Well we don't sound Like Madonna Here we are now We're Nirvana Sing distinctly? We don't wanna! Buy our album We're Nirvana A garage band From Seattle Well it sure beats Raising cattle Yeah (kazoo) And I forgot the next verse Oh well, I guess it pays to rehearse The lyric sheet's so hard to find What are the words? Oh, nevermind ... Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Well I'm yellin And we're playin' But I don't know What I'm sayin' What's the message I'm conveyin'? Can you tell me What I'm sayin? So have you got Some idea? Didn't think so - Well I'll see ya Sayonara Sayonara Ayonawa Odinawa Odinaya Yodinaya Yaddayadda Yaaahyaaah Ayaaaaaah! Trigger Happy (Trigger happy! Trigger happy!) Got an AK-47, well, you know it makes me feel alright. Got an UZI by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night. There's no feeling any greater, than to Shoot first and ask questions later. Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (Trigger happy every day) Well, you can't take my guns away - I got a Constitutional right. (Ooh-we-ooh) Yea, I gotta be ready if the Commies attack us tonight. (Bam bam bam) I'll blow their minds out with my Smith & Wesson. That oughta teach 'em all a darn good lesson. Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (Trigger happy every day) (Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Trigger happy) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. Oh, I accidentally shot Daddy last night in the den. (Shot daddy in the den) I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again. (Drug-crazed Nazi again) Now, why'd you have to get so mad? It was just a lousy flesh-wound, Dad. You know I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (Trigger happy every day) Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet. (Bop doo wa, sh'wop wop doo wa) Little Fluffy took a round - better take him to the Vet. (Bop doo wa, sh'wop wop doo wa) I filled that Kitty-Cat so full of lead. (Ooh-ooh-ooh) We'll have to use him for a pencil instead. Well, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (Trigger happy every day) (Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Trigger happy) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. Come on and grab your ammo. (Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) What have you got to lose? We'll get all liquered up and shoot at anything that moves. Got a brand-new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight. (Shoot to kill, now, shoot to kill) Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight. (Shoot to kill, now, shoot to kill) I always keep a magnum in my trunk. You better ask yourself, "Do you feel lucky, punk?" Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (Trigger happy every day) (Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Trigger happy) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. (Watch out or he'll blow you away) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. (Watch out or he'll blow you away) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. (Watch out or he'll blow you away) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. I Can't Watch This (parody of "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer) I can't watch this. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. My my my my TV makes me so bored. Makes me say, "Oh, my Lord. What is this garbage here?" Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears. It sucks, and that's no lie. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry. Lowers my IQ one notch and that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch. I told you, homeboy, I can't watch this. Yea, nothin' but trash and you know I can't watch this. Poke out my eyes, man, I can't watch this. Yo, gimme that remote control, I can't watch this. Talkin' 'bout sick shows. There's America's Funniest Home Videos. I can't believe my eyes when I see the kind of stuff that wins 1st prize. Somebody's poor old mom falls down on the roof, lands right on the lawn. Face first on a rake. I hear they got it on the seventeenth take. That's funny as a kick in the crotch. And that kinda show, uh, I can't watch. Yo, I told you, I can't watch this. Change the chanel, now, man, I can't watch this. Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucka, I can't watch this. Cosby show and Rosanne. Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can. Judge Wopner, oh my. You gotta be Rainman to like this guy. Thirty-Something is alright if you like hearing Yuppies whinning all night. Can't stand Twin Peaks. Wish they'd lynch those donut-eatin' freaks. Those Siskel and Ebert bums oughta go home 'n just sit on their thumbs. That's word, because you know, I can't watch this. I can't watch this. Break it down. Here's how to order. Money-back guarantee. Removes tough stains fast. Tastes more like fresh peanuts. They keep going and going... Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Could be dandruff. our prices are insaaaane! Stop! Prime time. I'm pretty sure I'll be sick if I have to watch another stupid pet trick. Or that guy with the real flat hair that goes "Woof woof woof" and waves his fist in the air. Or those weird talk shows about transexual Nazi Eskimos. They're rude, crude and vile. Just for a minute, let's flip down the dial. Flip, flip, flip, yecch. I can't watch this. Look, man, I can't watch this. I can't take this torture no more, I can't, I can't watch this. Pay the bills, Station break. Break it down. Operators are standing by. Cubic-zirconium necklace. You're soaking in it. And our fabulous Swimsuit issue. When you've got a headache THIS big. Read the book. This is your brain on drugs. I've fallen and I can't get up. Stop! Cable time. HBO and Playboy. Showtime and MTV. I might like 'em more after my lobotomy. Now why did I ever pay for this junk? I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk. Just brainless blood and guts and mindless T and A. It's awful. It's putrid. It's crummy. It's stupid. Gonna throw my set away. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. Yea, I can't watch this. I told you, can't watch this. Too hip, can't watch this. Get me outta here, can't watch this. Polka Your Eyes Out ["Cradle Of Love" by Billy Idol] Hey! Rock the cradle of love. Rock the cradle of love. Yes, the cradle of love don't rock easy, it's true. Rock the cradle of love. I rocked the cradle of love. Yes, the cradle of love don't rock easy, it's true. ["Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega] Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo. (Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo) ["Love Shack" by The B-52's] The Love Shack is a little old place where we can get together. Love Shack, baby. (Love Shack, baby, Love Shack). Hey! ["Pump Up The Jam" by Technotronic] Pump up the jam. (Hey!) Pump up the jam. (Hey!). Pump up the jam, pump it up. ["Losing My Religion" by R.E.M.] That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion. Trying to keep a view, and I don't know if I can do it. (Oh no) I've said too much. I haven't said enough. ["Unbelievable" by EMF] The things you say, your purple prose just gives you away. The things you say, you're unbeleivable. (Oh!) ["Do Me!" by Bel Biv Devoe] Do me baby, do me baby. You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night. You can do me when you wanna do me. Yodalodaladyhoo! ["Enter Sandman" by Metallica] Exit light. Enter night. Take my hand. Off to Never-neverland. ["The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground] The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump. Do me baby. Do the humpty-hump. Do the Humpty-hump. Do me baby. Do the Humpty-hump. Come on and do the Humpty-hump. ["Cherry Pie" by Warrant] She's my cherry pie. Put a smile on your face ten miles wide. Looks so good make a grown man cry. Sweet cherry pie-yi-yi. Whoo! Drum solo! ["Miss You Much" by Janet Jackson] I miss you much (M O I miss you much). I really miss you much (M I S S you much). I miss you much (M O I miss you much). I really miss you much. ["I Touch Myself" by DiVinyls] Hey, I don't want anybody else. When I think about you I touch myself. Oh, I don't want anybody else. Oh no, oh no, oh no no no. ["Dr. Feelgood" by Mötley Crüe] He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that makes you feel alright. He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's gonna be your frankenstein. ["Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice] Let's kick it! If you've got a problem, yo, I'll solve it. Check out the beat while the DJ revolves it. Ice ice baby, Ice ice baby. Word to your mother. Ice ice baby, Ice ice baby forever. I'll be your i-ce i-ce baby (ice ice baby, ice ice baby, ice ice baby) Hey! I Was Only Kidding When I said that I'd be faithful, when I promised I'd be true. When I swore that I could never be with anyone but you. When I told you that I loved you with those tender words I spoke. I was only kidding. Now, can't you take a joke? When I said that I need you baby, when I told you that I really care. When I said that I can't live without you, When I said I'd follow you anywhere. When I said you could always trust me, When I said I'd never leave you flat. Well, guess what? I was only kidding, baby. I can't believe you fell for that. You're so gullible. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) You thought that was for real? I was only kidding. Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) Baby, baby, I was only kidding. Well, I guess I got you pretty good. Now listen. When I said that I love you baby, from the very bottom of my heart. when I said that I miss you baby, every second that we're apart. When I swore that you're just getting more and more beautiful every day. Well, I was only kidding, honey. What's the matter with you anyway? Let me tell you something. (I was only kidding) I wa sonly kidding. (I was only kidding) You understand, don't ya? I was only kidding. Well, I guess I prob'ly hurt you alot, but you gotta know, (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) Come on, now, get a clue. I was only kidding, I really love you, NOT! When I said you oughta marry me, when I said that we should settle down. Well, I was pullin' your leg, there, honey. I was just foolin' around. You see - I never meant to upset you, darlin'. I never meant to hurt anyone. I was only kidding baby. Why don't you just put down that gun? Let's talk this over. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) Watch where you're poining that thing. (I was only kidding) Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke, you gotta realize, (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) Aww yea, I was only kidding. Now, honey, can't you take a joke? (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) I didn't LIE to you, I was only kidding, yes,indeed. (I was only kidding) Baby, baby, you know, (I was only kidding) Hey! The White Stuff (parody of "You Got It (The Right Stuff)" by New Kids On The Block) The white stuff. The white stuff. The first one was a sweet one, the second one was a blast. Soon I finished off the bag, ate 'em up real fast. You can see 'em in my teeth, tell it when I talk. Had so many my pancreas just went into shock. I love the white stuff, baby, in the middle of an Oreo. I love the white stuff, baby, it's the most delicious thing I know. I've had a-zillion or two in my life, they're so right. My teeth are all rotted clear through, but who cares? What else am I supposed to do? O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. O - o - o - o-o. The white stuff. O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. What's in the middle? The white stuff. The first time that I tried it, got a big sugar-buzz. Nothin' gets me high as that sandwich-cookie does. But I love the filling most. I rub it on my roast. Mix it with my coffee and spread it on my toast. I love the white stuff, baby, in the middle of an Oreo. I love the white stuff, baby, take some with me ev'rywhere I go. Might get a pimple or two, but so what? it's alright. Now, Twinkies and Ding-Dongs won't do. All I need ... you know what it is. O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. O - o - o - o-o. The white stuff. O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. O - o - o - o-o. The white stuff. O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. What's in the middle? The white stuff. When I Was Your Age Let me tell you, Sonny. Let me set you straight. You kids today ain't never had it rough. Always had everything handed to you on a silver plate. You lazy brats think nothin's good enough. Well, nobody ever drove ME to school when it was ninety-degrees below. We had to walk butt-naked through forty-miles of snow. Worked in the coal-mine twenty-two hours a day for just half a cent. Had to sell my internal organs just to pay the rent. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. (Sss-haw, sss-haw, sss-haw, sss-haw) Let me tell you somethin' you whiny little snot. There's somethin' wrong with all you kids today. You just don't appreciate all the things you got. We were hungry, broke and miserable and we liked it fine that way. There were seventy-three of us living in a cardboard box. All I got for Christmas was a lousy bag of rocks. Every night for dinner we had a big 'ol chunk of dirt. If we were really good, we didn't get dessert. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. We didn't have no telephone. Didn't have no fax machine. All we had was a couple cans and a crummy piece of string. Didn't have no swimming pool when I was just a lad. Our neighbor's septic tank was the closest thing we had. Didn't have no dental floss, had to use old rusty nails. Didn't have Nintendo. We just poured salt on snails. Didn't have no water-bed, had to sleep on broken glass. Didn't have no lawnmower, we used our teeth to cut the grass. What's the matter now, Sonny? You say you don't believe this junk? You think my story's wearin' kinda thin? I tell you one thing, I never was such a disrespectful punk. Back in my time we had a thing called discipline. Dad would whoop us every night til a quarter after twelve. When he'd get too tired, he'd make us whoop ourselves. Then he'd chop me into pieces and play frisby with my brain. And let me tell you, Junior, you never heard me complain. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. Taco Grande (parody of "Rico Suave" by Gerardo) Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Yo quiero chimichungas y chile colorado. Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado. Las flautas y tamales siempre muy bueno. Y el chile relleno. You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada. That's right, I want the whole enchilada. My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla. I need a quesadilla. I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbon. With my friends or when I'm all alone. Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero. Un burrito ranchero. So give me something spicy and hot now. Break out the menu, what you got now? Oh, would you tell the waiter I'd like to have sour cream on the side. You better make sure the beans are refried. Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Well there's not a taco big enough for a man like me. That's why I order two or three. Let me give you a tip. Just try a nacho chip. It's really good with bean dip. I eat uno, dos, tres, quatro burritos. Pretty soon I can't fit in my speedos. Well I hope they feed us alot of chicken fahitas, And a pitcher of magaritas. Well the combonation plates all come with beans and rice. The taquitos here are very nice. Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese. And could you make that seperate checks please? Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... [translated to English] [Good evening sir and welcome to Enrico's House of Salsa (or Salsa House). We have many very delicious dishes. May I recommend the burning chicken from hell. Very delicious. Your eyes will burn. Your stomach will be on fire. You'll be in the bathroom for a week! Do you understand what I'm saying you really stupid Gringo?] Well the food is coming, I can hardly wait. Now watch your fingers, careful, hot plate. What do you think you are doing with my chile con queso? Well if you want some, just say so. Oh boy, pico de gallo. They don't make it like this in Ohio. No gracias, yo quiero jalapeños, nada mas. You can toss away the hot sauce. ¿Donde estan los nachos? Holy frijole! You better get me a bowl of guacamole. Y usted, Eugene? Why's your face turning green? Don't you like pinto beans? You want some more cinnamon crispas? If you don't, hasta la vista. Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna. You can finish it mañana. Well it's been a pleasure. I can eat no more. Senor, la cuenta, por favor. If you aint ever tried real Mexican cooking, well, you oughta. Just don't drink the water. Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Airline Amy Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight. She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight. Now lately I've been flying to all kinds of places that I never really wanted to go. Cause I'll do anything just to spend a little time with the cutest flight attendant I know, oh. You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy. Tell me I'm your favorite frequent-flyer, Airline Amy. Found a little piece of heaven on a 747. And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy. Everyone of our dates is at thirty-thousand feet. She always points out the exit's to me, she's so sweet. You know she gets me my headphones for free. Refills my coffe cup whenever I ask. And you goota admit, my baby looks really hot when she's wearin' that oxygen mask. Well well, You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy. Tell me I'm your favorite frequent-flyer, Airline Amy. Found a little piece of heaven on a 747. And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy. Amy, darlin', dont'cha know you really drive me nuts Every time your handin' out those honey-roasted peanuts. Airline Amy this is my new mission. Gotta get you in an upright locked position. Oh yea, You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy. Tell me I'm your favorite frequent-flyer, Airline Amy. Found a little piece of heaven on a 747. And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy. Yea yea, You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy. You're the only woman I desire, Airline Amy. Found a little piece of heaven on a 747. And no one else can take me higher, no one else can take me higher, And no one else can take me higher than Airline amy. The Plumbing Song (parody of "Baby Don't Forget My Number" and "Blame It On The Rain" by Milli Vanilli) Baby, I sure wish I could lend you a hand, But plumbing is one thing I don't understand. It's true. (Haven't got a clue) B-b-b-baby, I can tell you've got a big problem. When I flush the john, the shower goes on. (Baby) Now whatcha gonna do? If drano's a joke and your plunger is broke. Baby call the mensch with the monkey-wrench. (Baby) He'll be there for you. (you you) Shower's backing up (Up up) Water won't go down (Down down) Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. Don't forget my plumber. Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. (Baby baby baby) Sink's been backed-up all Summer. Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. (Baby baby baby) Better call the plumber. He'll know what to do. Pipes been blowing up Pipes been breaking down And the carpet's soaked, right through. Ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba. Ba-ba ba ba ba Kitchen's flooded too. Ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba. Ba-ba ba ba ba Girl, you know it's true. B-b-b-betcha this guy makes more than my lawyer. If he works for one day, costs you half a years pay. (Baby) He can be here by two. So if you've got cash, he'll be there in a flash. Makin' service calls in his overalls. (Baby) He'll do his best for you. (You you) Sewers backing up (Up up) Got you feeling down (Down down) Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. Don't forget my plumber. (Plumber plumber) Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. (Baby baby baby) Leaky pipes are a bummer. Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. (Baby baby baby) Time to call the plumber. (Plumber plumber) Maybe call a few. Got a problem with plumbing? (Gotta problem with plumbing) Gotta blame it on something. (Gotta blame it on something) Blame it on the drain that was cloggin' cloggin'. Blame it on the faucet that drips all night. If hairballs, grease and goo won't let the water through, Blame it on the drain, yea yea. When I flush the john, now when I flush the john, It turns the shower on. (On on) (Roto-Rooter 6-5000) Ba ba-ba-ba baby, (Baby baby) better call my plumber. (Plumber plumber) He'll know what to do. You Don't Love Me Anymore We've been together for so very long. But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong? Seems you don't want me around. The passion is gone and the flame's died down. I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem, That time that you made it with the whole hockey team. You used to think I was nice, Now, you tell all your friends that I'm the anti-christ. Oh, why did you disconnect the brakes on my car? That kind of thing is hard to ignore. Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore. I knew that we were having problems when, You put those piranhas in my bathtub again. You're still the light of my life. Oh, darlin', I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife? You know I even think it's kinda cute, the way, You poison my coffee just a little each day. I still remember the way that you laughed, When you pushed me down the elevator shaft. Oh, if you don't mind me askin', What's this poisonous cobra doing in my underwear drawer? Sometimes I get to thinking, you don't love me anymore. You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill. Now my scars are all healing but my heart never will. You set my house on fire. You pulled out my chest-hairs with an old pair of pliers. Oh, you think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap. You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep. You drilled a hole in my head. Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead. Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all. You never acted this way before. Honey, something tells me you don't love me anymore. Oh no no. Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore. Alapalooza 1. Jurassic Park 2. Young, Dumb and Ugly 3. Bedrock Anthem 4. Frank's 2000" TV 5. Achy Breaky Song 6. Traffic Jam 7. Talk Soup 8. Livin' in the Fridge 9. She Never Told Me She Was a Mime 10. Harvey the Wonder Hamster 11. Waffle King 12. Bohemian Polka Jurassic Park (parody of "MacArthur Park" by Richard Harris) I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes And before long, they were cloning DNA Now I'm being chased by some irate velociraptors Well, believe me... this has been one lousy day Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark All the dinosaurs are running wild Someone shut the fence off in the rain I admit it's kinda eerie But this proves my chaos theory And I don't think I'll be coming back again Oh no I cannot approve of this attraction 'Cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda mad A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer Well, I suppose that proves... they're really not all bad Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark All the dinosaurs are running wild Someone let T. Rex out of his pen I'm afraid those things'll harm me 'Cause they sure don't act like Barney And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend Oh no Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark All the dinosaurs are running wild What a crummy weekend this has been Well, this sure ain't no E-ticket Think I'll tell 'em where to stick it 'Cause I'm never coming back this way again Oh no... oh no Young, Dumb and Ugly We're dangerous dudes, we got bad attitudes Most of our brain cells are gone We were born to be bad, you better not get us mad Or we just might toilet paper your lawn We got a reputation 'round these parts We only leave a 10% tip Sometimes we don't return our shopping carts Stay out our way and don't you give us no lip 'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly That's what we are We're so young... young, dumb and ugly We wear black leather in the hottest weather You can't imagine the smell We got three-day stubble, our name spells trouble T-R-U-B-E-L Raisin' hell, bendin' the rules just a little We're livin' only for thrills We squeeze our toothpaste tubes from the middle We wait until the last minute to pay our telephone bills 'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly You better believe it We're young... young, dumb and ugly I'll tell you again We're so young... we're so young, dumb and ugly We're comin' to your town Yeah, we're young... young, dumb and ugly We're wild, reckless men, we're on a rampage again We drive with just one hand on the wheel Danger's in our soul, we're goin' out of control Swimmin' right after a big heavy meal We're there wherever trouble's startin' We're rebels without a clue We drink milk right from the carton And keep our library books till they're way overdue 'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly That's what we are We're so young... young, dumb and ugly You can't stop us We're young... we're so young, dumb and ugly Young, dumb and ugly We're young... we're young, dumb and ugly So ugly Young, dumb... and ugly Bedrock Anthem (parody of "Under the Bridge" and "Give It Away" by Red Hot Chili Peppers) Sometimes I feel Like I need a vacation Sometimes I feel Like I wanna go To the city of cavemen The city of Bedrock I'd be a Flintstone Now I'll tell you why... Well, I've got I've got a woman named Wilma Well, I've got I've got a baby named Pebbles Well, I've got I've got a doggy named Dino We do a little bowling and we drink a little vino Well, I've got a little buddy, Barney Rubble Got a neighbor by the name of Barney Rubble He's a midget but he makes a lot of trouble Doesn't like to shave, he got caveman stubble Me and Barney, Loyal Order Water Buffalo Lodge brothers, Loyal Order Water Buffalo There's handshake everybody gotta know How come Grand Poo-Bah always gotta run the whole show? Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now I get by on all my prehistoric knowhow Betty and Barney got a baby named Bamm-Bamm Little Pebbles is his number one fan He's the strongest toddler in the whole land Tear your arm off if he shakes-a your hand Got a car, gonna push it with my feet now Gonna take my family out to eat now Jumbo ribs at the drive-in can't be beat now Made from brontosaurus, baby, not moo-cow Wanna chill with a sabertooth tiger Wear a loin cloth, natural fiber Be the first Rolling Stone subscriber Got a pterodactyl for a windshield wiper Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Don't know what it means but I say it anyhow [excerpt from "The Flintstones" TV show:] Fred: Wilma, I'm home. Start serving dinner and don't spare the spare ribs. Dino: Rarararararararara... Fred: Oh no. No, no, down Dino. Down. Down. Take it easy boy. Lucky me, workin' down in the gravel pit Movin' rocks, on a big dinosaur I sit Mr. Slate gets mad and he throws a fit Pull the birdie's tail, everybody knows it's time to quit I realize I'm living in the Stone Age No fax, no cellular phone-Age Pick my teeth with a dinosaur bone-Age Liftin' heavy boulders every day for my wage Barney Rubble, laughin' like a hyena Barney Rubble, what a little weiner Where's Wilma? Anybody seen her? Got a baby elephant vacuum cleaner Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now Yabba dabba do now Yabba dabba do now Yabba dabba do now Yabba dabba do now Fred: Yabba dabba doo! Yabba dabba do now Yabba dabba do now Fred: Yabba dabba doo! Yabba dabba do now Yabba dabba do now Fred: Yabba dabba doo! Barney: laughs Yabba dabba do now Yabba dabba do now Fred: Yabba dabba doo! Barney: laughs Yabba dabba do now Yabba dabba do now Barney: laughs Fred: All right. All right. Oh boy! Frank's 2000" TV Risin' above the city, blocking out the noonday sun It dwarfs the mighty redwoods and it towers over eveyone I still remember when that delivery truck came down our block What a lucky guy, I hear he got the last one in stock And the neighbors are just green They say, "That's the biggest screen we've ever seen!" It's Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV) Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000" TV) Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV) There's Frank's remote control, you can look, but don't touch it, please 'Cause Frank's the on ein charge and he decides what everybody sees The picture's crystal clear and everything is magnified Robert DeNiro's mole has got to be ten feet wide Everybody in the town Can hear those 90,000 watts of Dolby sound And I'm mighty proud to say Now I can watch "The Simpsons" from 30 blocks away On Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV) Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000" TV) Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV) Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000" TV) I'm gonna get one of my own real soon It's like havin' a drive-in movie in your own living room Whoa, hey now... hey now na na now Hey now... hey now na na now Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV) Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000" TV) You won't believe it Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV) Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000" TV) Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV) Got a 2-year warranty on parts and labor Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV) Frank's 2000" TV Achy Breaky Song (parody of "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus) You can torture me With Donny and Marie You can play some Barry Manilow Or you can play some schlock Like New Kids On The Block Or any Village People song you know Or play Vanilla Ice Hey, you can play him twice And you can play the Bee Gees any day But Mr. DJ, please I'm beggin' on my knees I just can't take no more of Billy Ray Don't play that song That "Achy Breaky" song The most annoying song I know And if you play that song That "Achy Breaky" song I might blow up my radio, ooo... You can clear the room By playing Debbie Boone Or crank your Abba records until dawn Oh, I could even hear Slim Whitman or Zamfir Don't mind a Yoko Ono marathon Or play some Tiffany On 8-track or CD Or scrape your fingernails across the board Or tie me to a chair And kick me down the stairs Just please don't play that stupid song no more Don't play that song That "Achy Breaky" song You know I hate that song a bunch And if you play that song That nauseating song It might just make me lose my lunch, ooo... Don't play that song That "Achy Breaky" song I think it's driving me insane Oh, please don't play that song That irritating song I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain Don't play that song That "Achy Breaky" song The most annoying song I know And if you play that song That "Achy Breaky" song I might blow up my radio, ooo-woo Traffic Jam Carbon monoxide Making me choke No A.C. And the radio's broke Cars backed up Far as you can see Seems like I've been waiting here for all eternity Oh, and just in case you're wondering I'll tell you where I am I'm right here (right here) right here (right here) Stuck right here in the middle of this... Traffic jam I haven't moved one inch from this here spot Traffic jam The freeway's one big parking lot Traffic jam My radiator's boiling hot And I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the middle) Right here in the middle of a traffic jam Trapped inside My automobile Cobwebs growin' On the steering wheel Now, I'm no genius But one thing I know I shouldn't have had that bag of bran muffins An hour and a half ago Yeah, and if you need to find me I'll tell you where I am I'm right here (right here) right here (right here) Stuck smack dab in the middle of this... Traffic jam I haven't moved one inch from this here spot Traffic jam The freeway's one big parking lot Traffic jam Well, I thought we were movin' but I guess we're not 'Cause I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the middle) Right here in the middle of a traffic jam Stuck in the middle of a traffic jam Yeah yeah yeah yeah Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper to Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper to Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper... Yay-hey! There's a yuppie on a cellular phone I'm gonna puke if I hear any more There's a motorcycle zoomin' by me Watch what happens when I open my door Now we're all goin' nowhere fast Well, I guess that's perfectly clear I left home five hours ago And I can still see my house from here So if anybody's tryin' to find me Well, I'll tell you where I am Right here (right here) right here (right here) Stuck right here in the middle of this... Traffic jam I haven't moved one inch from this here spot Traffic jam The freeway's one big parking lot Traffic jam Now my back teeth are floatin' and my nerves are shot And I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the middle) Stuck right here in the middle of a traffic jam Traffic jam.. traffic jam... traffic jam... woo! Talk Soup I dated Siamese twins I slept with Bigfoot, too Get me on Sally Jessy Put me on Donahue 'Cause I wanna tell the world about it Right now My dog's a narcoleptic My mom's a circus freak I gotta get a spot on Geraldo's show this week 'Cause I wanna tell the world about it Right now I'm just an anorexic codependent bingo addict Stripper born without a chin And I'm only comfortable talking about it When the whole wide world is listening in Talk Soup... Talk Soup Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me My wife ran off with Elvis My boss shaved off my hair I've got a thing for poodles And rubber underwear And I wanna tell the world about it Right now I had a close encounter I never chew my food I got eleven nose jobs I yodel in the nude And I wanna tell the world about it Right now I'm just a cross-dressin' alcoholic neo-Nazi Porno star, as you may have guessed And I'm really gonna feel a whole lot better If you let me get this thing off my chest Talk Soup... Talk Soup Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me I'm just your average schizophrenic nymphomaniac Albino go-go dancer, you see Nothin' so bad that I can't share it With a billion friends on national TV, whoa... I have no genitalia I sold my kids for cheese I love my blow-up doll, so Bring out those cameras please 'Cause I gotta tell the world about it Right now Talk Soup... Talk Soup Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me E! Livin' in the Fridge (parody of "Livin' on the Edge" by Aerosmith) There's somethin' weird in the fridge today I don't know what it is Food I can't recognize My roommate won't throw a thing away I guess it's probably his It looks like it's alive... And livin' in the fridge... livin' in the fridge Livin' in the fridge... livin' in the fridge There's somethin' gross in the fridge today It's green and growin' hair It's been there since July If you can name the object In that baggie over there Then mister, you're a better man than I It's livin' in the fridge You can't stop the mold from growin' Livin' in the fridge Can't tell what it is at all Livin' in the fridge You can't stop the mold from growin' Livin' in the fridge Tell me, do you think it should be carbon-dated Fumigated or cremated and buried at sea? You try to save a little bit of your home cookin' Couple weeks later, got a scary-lookin' specimen It always happens, my friend Again and again and again and again Somethin' stinks in the fridge today And it's been rottin' there all week It could be liver cake or woolly mammoth steak Well, maybe I should take another peak... Livin' in the fridge You can't stop the mold from growin' Livin' in the fridge Can't tell what it is at all Livin' in the fridge You can't stop the mold from growin' Livin' in the fridge Livin' in the fridge Don't know what it is, don't know what it is Livin' in the fridge Don't know what it is, don't know what it is Livin' in the fridge Don't know what it is at all Livin' in the fridge, yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah She Never Told Me She Was a Mime When we first met she seemed perfectly normal I never dreamed she'd make my life so hard You see, my baby, she started to change Started lookin' kinda strange Wearin' all that white makeup and those black leotards Well, I guess she kept her little secret pretty well Now ever since I learned the horrible truth, you know my life has been a living hell That's right, you see... She never told me she was a mime She never told me she was a mime, oh no Now she's actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the time She never told me, she never told me she was a... Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mime I wish we both could just talk it all over But my baby won't even make a sound Now she makes everybody sick Doin' that pantomime shtick Even our old friends have stopped coming around Well, my parents can't stand her and the neighbors hate her guts She's really, really embarrassing me... this silent treatment's driving me nuts You see... She never told me she was a mime She never told me she was a mime, oh no Now, she's actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the time... what a crime She never told me (she never told me) she never told me she was a mime She walks against the wind everywhere we go Stops at every corner, gotta put on a show Carries 'round a picture of Marcel Marceau Always was the quiet type, but how was I to know? She never told me she was a mime She never told me she was a mime, oh no Actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the ti-yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yime She never told me, she never told me she was a mime Harvey the Wonder Hamster Oh, Harvey, Harvey Harvey the Wonder Hamster He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal He just runs around on his hamster wheel Harvey, Harvey Harvey the Wonder Hamster Hey, Harvey! Waffle King It took a lifetime, but I finally found The perfect waffle recipe You'll never find a batter any better in this whole stinkin' town One little bite and I'm sure that you'll agree Your eyes roll back and your knees get weak Aw, you're gonna lick your plate clean People come from miles around just to study my technique I make the best darn waffles this world has ever seen I'm the Waffle King (Waffle King)... yeah Waffle King (Waffle King) That's what they call me Waffle King (Waffle King) Hey, I'm the Waffle King Everywhere I go now, the people cheer I never have to wait in line People say, "Right this way, sir... Your money's no good here" Some day I betcha they'll build me a shrine And everybody say, "Well, I'm your biggest fan!" "I seen your picture in People Magazine!" Folks come from around the world just to shake my hand If you don't believe in the power of the waffle lemme show you just what I mean I'm the Waffle King (Waffle King) Make you want to scream and shout Waffle King (Waffle King) That's my name, don't wear it out Waffle King (Waffle King) Make no mistake about it I'm the Waffle King... yeah Roll out the red carpet, 'cause here I come All you peons better scram Out of my way now, you worthless piece of scum Don't you know who I am? Hey! I wanna see you grovel, you waffle-eatin' fools Everybody, on your knees You wanna buy a waffle, you're playing by my rules Go on, beg me... lemme hear you say "pretty please" Can't you tell the universe revolves around me? Don't you know you suckers owe me everything? And can't you see that I'm the highest form of life that there could ever be? Everybody all around the world, stand up and sing Come on now... Waffle King Hey batter batter Waffle King Hot on your platter Waffle King Say, what's the matter Don't you know who I am? Don't you know who I am? Tell 'em, girls (He's the Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Waffle King) Yeah yeah (He's the Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Waffle King) Tell the truth now (He's the Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Waffle King) Don't you know who I am? Don't you know who I am? I'm the Waffle King (Waffle King) Step aside I'm comin' through Waffle King (Waffle King) Hey - what's the matter with you? Listen pal, you can kiss my royal butt! (Waffle King) Don't you know who I am? You've gotta be kidding me. I'm the Waffle King. Bohemian Polka (reworking of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen) Is this the real life Is this just fantasy Caught in a landslide No escape from reality Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy 'Cause I'm easy come, easy go Little high, little low Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me Mama, just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooo... didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye everybody - I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooo I don't want to die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango Thunderbolt and lightning - very, very frightening me Gallileo, Gallileo Gallileo, Gallileo Gallileo figaro - Magnifico... Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go - let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go Will not let you go - Let me go Will not let you go - Let me go No, no, no, no, no no no no no! Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye So you think you can love me and leave me to die Oh, baby - can't do this to me, baby Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Anyway the wind, anyway the wind Anyway the wind blows - Hey! Bad Hair Day 1. Amish Paradise 2. Everything You Know Is Wrong 3. Cavity Search 4. Callin' In Sick 5. The Alternative Polka 6. Since You've Been Gone 7. Gump 8. I'm So Sick Of You 9. Syndicated Inc. 10. I Remember Larry 11. Phony Calls 12. The Night Santa Went Crazy Amish Paradise (parody of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio) As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain But that's just perfect for an Amish like me You know I shun fancy things like electricity At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699 We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise I've churned butter once or twice Living in an Amish paradise It's hard work and sacrifice Living in an Amish paradise We sell quilts at discount price Living in an Amish paradise A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek I really don't care, in fact I wish him well 'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat And my homies agree I really look good in black... fool If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare We're just technologically impaired There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar Not a single luxury Like Robinson Caruso It's as primitive as can be We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise We're just plain and simple guys Living in an Amish paradise There's no time for sin and vice Living in an Amish paradise We don't fight, we all play nice Living in an Amish paradise Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anutter Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart? Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife So don't be vain and don't be whiny Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise We're all crazy Mennonites Living in an Amish paradise There's no cops or traffic lights Living in an Amish paradise But you'd probably think it bites Living in an Amish paradise Everything You Know Is Wrong I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane with a rabid wolverine in my underwear when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie? Is it Bob or Joe or Walter? Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?" I probably would have kept on guessing but about that time we crashed into the truck And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams when I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension and soon I was abducted by some aliens from space who kinda looked like Jamie Farr They sucked out my internal organs and they took some polaroids and said I was a darn good sport and as a way of saying thank you they offered to transport me back to any point in history that I would care to go And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night so I could pay my phone bill on time Just then the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin when I got a nasty papercut and, well, to make a long story short it got infected and I died so now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates and it's obvious he doesn't like the Nehru jacket that I'm wearing He tells me that they've got a dress code Well, he lets me into heaven anyway but I get the room next to the noisy ice machine for all eternity and every day he runs by screaming Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you used to think was so important Doesn't really matter anymore because the simple fact remains that Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong Everything you know is wrong Cavity Search (parody of "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" by U2) Listenin' to the Muzak Hearin' people scream Sittin' in the waiting room Readin' crappy magazines With a toothache This is it, pal Root canal My molars are impacted I'm gettin' gum disease I'm gonna need some fillings Got twelve cavities Can you help me Have mercy Doctor, please My teeth are a fright Got a huge overbite Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me You jab at my nerve endings It's driving me insane Just give me nitrous oxide Shoot me up with novocaine Help me out here 'Cause I'm in severe Pain Please stop for a bit Now let me rinse and spit Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me You validate my parking I think that I'm okay But you make one more appointment for A week from Saturday 'Cause you came upon A little problem on My x-ray Oy vey! It's getting absurd Well, I hope I'm insured, now Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me Callin' In Sick Hit my snooze alarm for the 27th time Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm Gonna hack and cough and wheeze Swear I got some strange disease What's that little twerp gonna say? Hey I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp I could spend all day in my underwear watching "Ernest Goes To Camp" I could sit and count my hair I could burp my Tupperware I'm not busy now anyway Hey I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today Ain't goin' to work, no way Callin' in sick today I can do anything I want to I am invincible now I'm on fire, baby I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world? I'm alive! Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun and trying not to squint Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from my belly button lint When I'm sick of takin' abuse I just make up some lame excuse Freedom's just seven digits away Hey I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today Ain't goin' to work, no way Callin' in sick today The Alternative Polka ["Loser" by Beck] Soy un perdedor I'm a loser, baby So why don't you kill me? (Everybody!) Soy un perdedor I'm a loser, baby So why don't you kill me? Hey! ["Sex Type Thing" by Stone Temple Pilots] I am I am I am I said I wanna get next to you I said I'm gonna get close to you You wouldn't want me have to hurt you too Hurt you too I know you want what's on my mind I know you like what's on my mind I know it eats you up inside I know ya know ya know ya know Here I come, I come, I come Here I come, I come, I come ["All I Wanna Do" by Sheryl Crow] 'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun I got a feelin' I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun I got a feelin' I'm not the only one All I wanna do is have some fun Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard ["Closer" by Nine Inch Nails] (Help me) I broke apart my insides (Help me) I've got no soul to sell (Help me) The only thing that works for me Help me get away from myself I wanna you like an animal I wanna feel you from the inside I wanna you like an animal My whole existence is flawed You get me closer to God Hey! Hey! Hey! ["Bang And Blame" by R.E.M.] You bang, bang, bang, bang and bang Blame, blame, blame You bang, bang, bang, bang and bang It's not my thing, so let it go ["You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette] Cause the love that you gave that we made Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide (No!) And every time you speak her name Does she know how you told me you'd hold me 'Til you died 'Til you died But you're still alive And I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me Yo-o-o-o-o-ou oughta know Hey! ["Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins] Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage And someone will say What is lost can never be saved Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage ["My Friends" by Red Hot Chili Peppers] I love all of you Hurt by the cold So hard and lonely too When you don't know yourself ["I'll Stick Around" by Foo Fighters] I don't owe you anything I don't owe you anything I don't owe you anything I don't owe you anything ["Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden] Black hole sun, won't you come And wash away the rain Black hole sun, won't you come Won't you come (Black hole sun, black hole sun) Won't you come (Black hole sun, black hole sun) Won't you come (Black hole sun, black hole sun) ["Basket Case" by Green Day] Do you have the time To listen to me whine About nothing and everything all at once I am one of those Melodramatic fools Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it Sometimes I give myself the creeps Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me It all keeps adding up I think I'm cracking up And am I just paranoid? Or am I just stoned? ["Ear Booker Polka" by Al Yankovic] Or am I just stoned? Hey! Since You've Been Gone Since you've been gone Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil Since you've been gone It's like I've got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil Oh well, I'm feelin' like I stuck my hand Inside a blender and turned it on You know, I've been in a buttload of pain Since you've been gone (Since you've been gone) I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped A two-ton bowling ball on my toes (Since you've been gone) It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved A red-hot cactus up my nose Since you've been gone Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day Since you've been gone It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away Ever since the day you left me I've been so miserable, my dear I feel almost as bad as I did When you were still here Gump (parody of "Lump" by The Presidents Of The United States Of America) Gump sat alone on a bench in the park "My name is Forrest," he'd casually remark Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates He's Gump, He's Gump What's in his head? He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump Is he in-bred? Gump was a big celebrity He told JFK that he really had to pee He never feels too dumb because His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does He's Gump, He's Gump He's kinda square He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump What's with that hair? Run... run... run, run, now Forrest Run... run... run, like the wind now Run... run... run, run, now Forrest Run... stop! His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt He's Gump, He's Gump He's not too bright He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump But he's all right Is this Gump out of his head? I think so Is this Gump really brain-dead? I think so Did this Gump make lots of bread? I think so And that's all I have to say about that I'm So Sick Of You You tell a joke and forget the punchline Why you always wastin' my time? Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me Your hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty I don't know too many females Who make a habit of biting their toenails Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl I'm sure we'd be happy together If only one little thing weren't true Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you You drink the milk right from the carton What are you, in kindergarten? You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air Then you use my razor to shave your back hair You don't have an ounce of class You're just one big pain in the neck How much more can I take now, give me a break now You even snore when you're wide awake now You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple Well, maybe you should get a clue 'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Baby, you're so nauseatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you And when you softly call my name It's like I'm listenin' to a squeaky chalk sound And when you look at me that special way It's hard for me to keep my lunch down And when you ask me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin' how I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape so I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions over and over again Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh gives me a throbbing migraine (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) Until you came along I never dated anyone this low on the food chain (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) You've got inhuman body odor You've got the hair of a boxing promoter Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O You wake up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow I hate the way you crack your knuckles I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too But mostly I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Really now, you're aggravatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Not to mention irritatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you You make me sick Syndicated Inc. (parody of "Misery" by Soul Asylum) My whole family Loves "Three's Company" See the reruns constantly There on my TV Syndicated Incorporated Well, I know what's on the tube I know just what to see Got my TV Guide with me "MASH" and "All In The Family" "The Munsters" and "Mayberry R.F.D." I will always be busy Watching my TV Oprah Winfrey talks to me Every day at three Then soon it'll be "Wheel" and "Jeopardy" Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated Well, I'm in such ecstasy When I'm watchin' TV I'm a boob tube devotee Think I'm losin' my sanity I'm addicted to Regis & Kathie Lee Forever I will always be Glued to my TV Love "The Partridge Family" And "Dynasty" And "Laverne & Shirley" And "Hard Copy" Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated I Remember Larry Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door Well, he always was the neighborhood clown Like the time he pulled my pants off and he took those color pictures And posted copies all over town Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight till dawn What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around Boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair 'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap And filled my toothpaste tube up with glue All those wedgies he gave, all those shoestrings he tied All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside Oh Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you Boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try You know I couldn't help but laugh Even though he treated me like slime Remember when he cut my car in half? Well, he really got me good that time! Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest And stuffed him in a big plastic bag If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag Oh boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try Oh boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try No matter how I try Oh, I remember Larry [This is followed by some backwards stuff... I believe it says "Wow, you must have an awful lot of free time on your hands."] Phony Calls (parody of "Waterfalls" by TLC) Mom and dad are goin' out for the evening And you're stuck inside the house all alone That's when you decide it might be fun to harrass [sic] someone Dial a random number up on your telephone You ask if their refrigerator is running Then you tell 'em they should go out and catch it Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin' 'em from They'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet Listen to me Don't go makin' phony calls Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to I know that you think it's funny drivin' folks right up the wall But it's really gettin' old fast Little Melvin has a natural obsession Askin' for Prince Albert in a can He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four He won't be laughin' when they're tracin' his line One day the phone police will be there at his door Yo, hear me Don't go makin' phony calls Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to Swear someday I'm gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall How long is this phase gonna last? Come on [excerpt from "The Simpsons" TV show:] Moe: "Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink." Bart: "Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name Rotch." Moe: "Hold on, I'll check Mike Rotch? Mike Rotch? Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen to me, you little puke! One of these days I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick!" Bart: "Ha ha ha ha ha." Don't go makin' phony calls Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to You went through the New York City phone book and prank-called 'em all Hope that you grow out of this fast The Night Santa Went Crazy Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo Like a big fat drunk disgrunted Yuletide Rambo And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye, "Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!" The night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!" The night Santa went crazy The night Kris Kringle went nuts Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole Without steppin' in reindeer guts There's the National Guard and the F.B.I. There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why? My my my my my my You used to be such a jolly guy Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time In a federal prison for his infamous crime Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years But now, Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights [The "Amish Paradise" CD single contains "The Night Santa Went Crazy (extra gory version)" which substitutes the following verse for the above verse.] Yes Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead Some guy from the S.W.A.T. Team blew a hole through his head Yes, little friend, now, that's his brains on the floor I guess they won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore But now there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment And the elves gotta stand in line and file for unemployment And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nicholas flipped Broke his back for some milk and cookies Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped Wo, the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain. Running With Scissors 1. The Saga Begins 2. My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder 3. Pretty Fly For A Rabbi 4. The Weird Al Show Theme 5. Jerry Springer 6. Germs 7. Polka Power! 8. Your Horoscope For Today 9. It's All About The Pentiums 10. Truck Drivin' Song 11. Grapefruit Diet 12. Albuquerque The Saga Begins (parody of "American Pie" by Don McLean) A long, long time ago In a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn Could talk the Federation in- To maybe cutting them a little slack But their response, it didn't thrill us They locked the doors and tried to kill us We escaped from that gas Then met Jar-Jar and Boss Nass We took a bongo from the scene And we went to Theed to see the queen We all wound up on Tatooine That's where we found this boy... Oh my my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Did you know this junkyard slave Isn't even old enough to shave But he can use the Force, they say Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen Though he's just nine and she's fourteen Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday Well, I know he built C-3PO And I've heard how fast his pod can go And we were broke, it's true So we made a wager or two He was a prepubescent flyin' ace And the minute Jabba started off that race Well, I knew who would win first place Oh yes, it was our boy We started singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Now we finally got to Coruscant The Jedi Council we knew would want To see how good the boy could be So we took him there and we told the tale How his midi-chlorians were off the scale And he might fulfill that prophecy Oh, the Council was impressed, of course Could he bring balance to the Force? They interviewed the kid Oh, training they forbid Because Yoda sensed in him much fear And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here Just stick it in your pointy ear I still will teach this boy" He was singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" We caught a ride back to Naboo 'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to I frankly would've liked to stay We all fought in that epic war And it wasn't long at all before Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day And in the end some Gungans died Some ships blew up and some pilots fried A lot of folks were croakin' The battle droids were broken And the Jedi I admire most Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost I guess I'll train this boy And I was singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader some day later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" We were singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader some day later, now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more Ever since she saw his poster in that record store She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and Generation X-y She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her 'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him What a pain in the butt to have so much success Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor Like he's some big tortured genius And I'm some kinda wiener Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder She's got a thing for that Eddie Vedder Tell me, what can he do that I can't do better? Now my baby's in love with... I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder I can't believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater 'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder I knew we were headin' for disaster When she caught me hangin' out at the Ticketmaster Now she's got an unrequited adoration For the frustrated, agitated, designated, alienated Spokeman for the disaffected grunge generation Well, I don't wear Doc Martens and I don't wear flannel And I don't boycott the music video channel And I just can't compete with all that money and fame But I know two can play at this kinda game Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'll get When I start stalking Alanis Morissette Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder Once she was mine but now I better just forget her 'Cause my baby's in love with... I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder Why'd she have to fall for that Eddie Vedder? If she wants to leave me, I guess I better let her 'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder Pretty Fly For A Rabbi (parody of "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" by The Offspring) Veren zol fun dir a blintsa (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick I tell ya, he's to die for - he really knows his shtick So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew? Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too Workin' like a dog at the synagogue He's there all day, he's there all day Just say, "Vay iz mir!" and he'll kick into gear He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer Just grab your yarmulka and Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi) He shops at discount stores, not just any will suffice He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal! People used to scoff, now they say "Mazel tov!" He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul What's not to like? What not to like? On high holy days, you know he prays and prays And he never eats pastrami on white bread with mayonaise Put on your yarmulka and Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing! When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhhip The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho He's doin' well, I gotta kvell The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell Show up at his home, he says, "Shalom!" And "Have some cake - You want some cake?" Yeah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz! So grab your yarmulka - The one you got for Chanukah - Let's put on our yarmulkas and - Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing! The Weird Al Show Theme Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal But the sanitation workers really didn't approve So he packed up his accordion and had to move To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory And he played on the company bowling team And every single night he had a strange recurring dream Where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream But that's really not important to the story Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist With a spatula tattooed on her arm (on her arm) But he didn't keep in touch And he lost her number Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave Twenty miles below the surface of the earth (of the earth) And he really makes a mighty fine Jelly bean and pickle sandwich For what it's worth Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV So he gives Al a contract and whaddaya know? Now he's got his very own Weird Al Show! Jerry Springer (parody of "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies) It's been one week since we got to see Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry Five days since they had the show With the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho Three days since we heard the tale About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male Yesterday it occurred to me That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer Holy cow, d'you see it last week? Well, they had this one freak Who sucker-punched his whole family Do you recall when the brawl Became a total free-for-all? And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee Hey, see the stripper with the implants? She likes to lap dance And date the boyfriend of her mother Now here comes Jerry's next guest And it's a slugfest 'Cause it's her trailer trash brother Nymphomaniac is back on crack It's like "When Animals Attack" They all exhibit reprehensible behavior Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes Step on their toes, that's how it goes They get so violent they have to sign a waiver They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame On the air? They don't care, they got no shame There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange When he found out that his wife had a sex change They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly They have a history of ripping off their shirts It's been one week since they had the fight With the Siamese twins and the transvestite Five days since that awful brawl They still haven't got the blood off the wall It's been three days since the bitter feud Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude Yesterday, finally dawned on me I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer male Springer guest: Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister. female Springer guest: Oh, which one? male Springer guest: All of 'em. female Springer guest: Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake. male Springer guest: Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie! female Springer guest: Woofie, you b*tch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat! male Springer guest: That goat doesn't love you! Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin' Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin' Jerry's the king of confrontation He's a sensation He puts the 'sin' in syndication It's totally worthless, like a bad check It's like a train wreck Don't wanna stare, but you can't look away Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows But with more weirdos The ratings jumping higher every day If you've seen the show, well then you know It's just as low as you can go The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene And pretty soon some ugly goon Comes in the room and then it's BOOM In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies "Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant Should I turn off my TV? I just can't I have a tendency to watch it religiously I have a history of taping each one It's been one week since the show about Psycho killers with problems they should work out Five days since the big surprise When some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys Three days since he interviewed A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude Yesterday, it occurred to me That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer Come over here and pull on my finger Germs Sometimes I really wanna be alone But that's one state I'm never in Because I know that I've got millions upon millions Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin (Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding (Germs) But they just come right back again (Germs) I can't even see 'em, But I know they're up to something Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been! They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get 'em offa me I'm covered with...(microscopic bacteria) What do they want from me? What'll they do to me? There's no escape for me I'm crawling with...(microscopic bacteria) Now if I ever dare to go to sleep That's when they start their sneak attack In the morning I wake up in utter horror To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque (Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face (Germs) And there's more comin' every day (Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get 'em offa me I'm covered with...(microscopic bacteria) What do they want from me? What'll they do to me? There's no escape for me I'm crawling with...(microscopic bacteria) (Germs) (Germs) (Germs) (Germs) (Germs) They're creepin' around my shorts They're under the bathroom sink (Germs) They're ridin' inside my car They're swimmmin' in every drink (Germs) They're hidin' between my toes They're lurkin' in every kiss (Germs) I got 'em way up my nose In every orifice (Germs) I'm gonna show them who's boss I'm gonna get even yet (Germs) Just gimme some Lysol spray Just hand me a moist towelette (Germs) Don't tell me I'm paranoid I know that they're after me (Germs) Look under the microscope See?? They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get 'em offa me I'm covered with...(microscopic bacteria) What do they want from me? What'll they do to me? There's no escape for me I'm crawling with...(microscopic bacteria) (Germs) They're all over me (Germs) I can feel 'em all over me (Germs) Over every part of me (Germs) (Microscopic bacteria) (Germs) I know they're watching me (Germs) They're always watching me (Germs) They're coming after me (Germs) (Microscopic bacteria) Won't somebody help me (Germs) Please somebody help me (Germs) You've got to believe me (Germs) They're out to get me (Germs) They wanna control me (Germs) They wanna destroy me (Germs) They're tryin' to kill me (Germs) It kind of upsets me (Germs) Polka Power! ["Wannabe" by Spice Girls] Yeah, well, I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want (So tell us what ya want, what ya really really want) I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want (So tell us what ya want, what ya really really want) I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha I wanna really, really, really, wanna zigga zigga, ah! If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends Make it last forever, friendship never ends If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is. Hey! ["Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger] I'm not sick, but I'm not well. And I'm so hot, 'cause I'm in hell. I'm not sick, but I'm not well. And it's a sin to live so well. ["Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are)" by Pras Michel w/ Ol' Dirty Bastard & Mya] Ghetto superstar, that is what you are, Coming from afar, reaching for the stars. Run away with me, to another place We can rely on each other, uh huh From one corner to another, uh huh ["Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" by Backstreet Boys] Everybody (yeah) Rock your body (yeah) Everybody Rock your body right. Backstreet's back, all right! All right! ["Walkin' On The Sun" by Smash Mouth] So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out But now, if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow But if the offer's shun, you might as well be walking on the sun Might as well be walking on the sun! ["Intergalactic" by Beastie Boys] Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic ["Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba] I get knocked down, but I get up again, You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down ["Ray Of Light" by Madonna] Quicker than a ray of light Quicker than a ray of light Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight ["Push" by Matchbox 20] I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will I wanna take you for granted I wanna take you for granted Yeah, yeah, well I will ["Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind] I want something else To get me through this semi-charmed kinda life, baby baby I want something else I'm not listening when you say good-bye. Doot doot doot, doot do doot do Doot doot doot, doot do doot do Doot doot doot, doot do doot do Do do do, do do doot ["The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson] There's lots of pretty, pretty ones That want to get you high But all the pretty, pretty ones Will leave you low and blow your mind We're all stars now in the dope show We're all stars now in the dope show ["Mmmbop" by Hanson] Mmmbop, do floppa do wop Do be dop ah Do wap, do zap ah, do Yeah-ee yeah Mmmbop, do b'zap ah, do wop Do be dop ah Do wop, doom zap ah, do ["Sex And Candy" by Marcy Playground] I smell sex and candy here Who's that lounging in my chair? Who's that casting devious stares in my direction? Mama, this surely is a dream Yeah, yeah mama, this surely is a dream Dig it, yeah mama, this surely is... ["Closing Time" by Semisonic] Closing time One last call for alcohol So finish your whiskey or beer Closing time You don't have to go home But you can't stay here I know who I wanna take me home I know who I wanna take me home I know who I wanna take me home Take us home. ["Way Moby Polka" by Al Yankovic] 'Cause it's closing time! (Yeah it's closing time) (We're talkin' 'bout closin' time) (It's really closin' time) (Hey!) Your Horoscope For Today AQUARIUS! There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day PISCES! Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say ARIES! The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep TAURUS! You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today GEMINI! Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest CANCER! The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test LEO! Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik VIRGO! All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true. Where was I? LIBRA! A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week SCORPIO! Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak SAGITTARIUS! All your friends are laughing behind your back......kill them Take down all those naken pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den CAPRICORN! The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person...but you know they're lying If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today It's All About The Pentiums (parody of "It's All About The Benjamins" by Puff Daddy) It's all about the Pentiums, baby Uhh, uh-huh, yeah Uhh, uh-huh, yeah It's all about the Pentiums, baby It's all about the Pentiums, baby It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! (Yeah!) What y'all wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? 9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard? Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard? Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM I never feed trolls and I don't read spam Installed a T1 line in my house Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse Upgrade my system at least twice a day I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support It's all about the Pentiums, what? You gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen You've got White-Out all over your screen You think your Commodore 64 is really neato What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito? You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half? You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette You're the biggest joke on the Internet Your database is a disaster You're waxin' your modem, trying' to make it go faster Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller You're just about as useless as JPEGs to Helen Keller It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! Now, what y'all wanna do? Wanna he hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? 9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard? Uh, uh, loggin' in now Wanna run wit my crew, hah? Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do? They call me the king of the spreadsheets Got 'em all printed out on my bedsheets My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks But it was obsolete before I opened the box You say you've had your desktop for over a week? Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique! Your laptop is a month old? Well, that's great If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight My digital media is write-protected Every file inspected, no viruses detected I beta tested every operating system Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin' It does all my work without me even askin' Got a flat-screen monitor, 40" wide I believe that yours says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user You've got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks? Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you What? It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! What y'all wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? 9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard? What?? Truck Drivin' Song I'm drivin' a truck Drivin' a big ol' truck Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn Drivin' a truck with my high heels on My diesel rig is northward bound It's time to put that hammer down Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel But it's sure hard to hold the wheel While I'm still waiting for my nails to dry Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror And my pink angora sweater fits so tight I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight Well, I sure hope my seams are straight Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight Because I'm drivin' a truck Drivin' a big ol' truck Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck Got these eighteen wheels a-rollin' until the break of dawn Drivin' a truck with my high heels on Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me And my nipple rings don't bother me too much But when I hit those big speed bumps My darling little rhinestone pumps Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch But still I'm drivin' a truck Drivin' a big ol' truck Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make a buck Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon While I'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on I'm drivin' a truck Drivin' a truck Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck And I'm late for my appointment down at the hair salon So I'll be drivin' a truck with my high heels on Grapefruit Diet (parody of "Zoot Suit Riot" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies) Who's that waddlin' down the street? It's just me, 'cause I love to eat Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham Who's real flabby? Yes, I am! Every picture of me's Gotta be an aerial view Now my doctor tells me There's just one thing left to do - Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) Throw out the pizza and beer Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) Might seem a little severe Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear Blow, fatty! Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss Walked down an alley and I got stuck I got more rolls than a pastry truck When I'm all done eating I eat a little more When I leave a room First I gotta grease the door Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) Can't have another éclair Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) I gotta decrease my derrière I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I'm on a Grapefruit Diet No more pie now No more crème brulée Lay off the gravy And soufflé No french fri-yi-yies now No ice cream parfait Mr. Cheese Nacho Stay away Oh, I think I'd sell my soul For a triple patty melt But I need a boomerang When I put on my belt Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) Lay off the 3 Musketeers Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) Until my big booty disappears Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears Grapefruit Diet (Diet!) 'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I think I'm about ready for a quarter pounder with extra cheese, maybe a side order of onion rings, and a - oh, don't forget to super size that! Yeah. Albuquerque Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy... except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut! Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy. I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah! Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket to Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great...except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12- pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean. Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything. So finally, I got over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me." And he's like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "'kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya what it said! It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator." In Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one- nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??" I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts." I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts." I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts." I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any apple fritters?" He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!" I said, "You got any bear claws?" He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check." "No, we're outta bear claws!" I said, "Well, in that case...in that case, what do you have?" He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels." I said, "OK, I'll take that." So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this: DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah, AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh! I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah. But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweety pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up, and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go In Albuquerque Albuquerque Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude. OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes, and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...I HATE SAUERKRAUT! That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place called Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) I said A! (A!) L! (L!) B! (B!) U! (U!) querque! (querque!) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) Al...buquerque! *burp* heh heh heh heh Poodle Hat 1. Couch Potato 2. Hardware Store 3. Trash Day 4. Party At The Leper Colony 5. Angry White Boy Polka 6. Wanna B Ur Lovr 7. A Complicated Song 8. Why Does This Always Happen To Me? 9. Ode To A Superhero 10. Bob 11. eBay 12. Genius In France Couch Potato (parody of "Lose Yourself" by Eminem) Look If you had One shot To sit on your lazy butt And watch all the TV you ever wanted Until your brain turned to mush Would you go for it Or just let it slip? Yo Remote is ready Eyes wide, palms are sweaty There's Flintstones on the TV already Wilma 'n' Betty No virgin to channel surfin' And I'm HD-ready So I flip - garbage is all I'm getting There's Simon Cowell Who folks wanna disembowel He opens his mouth Always says something foul They're dyin', wow Wannabes are cryin' now He votes 'em out Time to throw in the towel! Shows based on reality Oh! The humanity Oh! Ozzy's family Sho' loves profanity Whoa, the insanity Oh, dogs that crap and pee Home of depravity? No, they live happily Yo, plus "Da Ali G Show" And "Celebrity Mole" Oh, and there's Anna Nicole She's scarin' me "Look ma, no cavities!" Oh, it's a station break Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something "You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO The Travel Channel, Discovery and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, cajoled me "Turn off those music videos!" (no!) I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna..." My butt is aching As I watch NASCAR racing That show about undertaking Larry King To "24" to "Law & Order" The Weather Channel's boring Like "60 Minutes"' ancient reporters Next up on "E! True Hollywood Story" The rise and decline of 12 actors named Corey Shows for next fall they've already been namin': "CSI: Boise" and "Touched By An Uncle" both sound pretty lame 'n' So does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond" And "King Of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it! I'll move right on to "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter" Then I bet I'll watch "The Bachelorette" followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter" And the "Muppet Show" where they go "Mahna Mahna" "You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, cajoled me But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow) I'm lookin' at C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna..." Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost In Space" I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without A Trace" But I only watched "Will & Grace" one time, one day Wish I hadn't, 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay Oh, and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour After that, felt like I needed a long shower Network execs with naked ambitions "Next week on FOX - watch lions eat Christians!" Like to tie up those programming planners Make 'em watch all of that junk till their heads explode just like "Scanners" Leech-covered grub-eating fools on "Survivor" Look, there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob, plus there's MacGyver And Jay Leno has got Madonna - hey there's Luke Perry on a Special All-Pig-Latin episode of Drew Carey wanna turn on "E.T." 'cause I'm a gossip freak And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week A 30-second spot Then we come back to "Are You Hot?" I was plannin' on recording "The Sopranos" - I forgot I love shows with or without a plot I'll stare till my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot Because I only have got One brain to rot I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot "You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO The Sci Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, cajoled me "Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show!" (no!) I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna..." You can watch anything you want to, man Hardware Store Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until a friend told me the news He said, "Hey! You know that vacant lot Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it And on that spot they're gonna build a shop Where we can go buy bolts and screws" Since then I've been walking on air (air) I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair 'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care I've been waiting since last June For this day to finally arrive I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive 'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside Well, I hope they open soon I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the Hardware store In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out I pressed my nose right up against the glass You know, I had to be first in line Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house See those hacksaws? Very, very soon One of them will be all mine Guys with nametags walking down the aisles Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles All arranged alphabetically And they're doing a promotional stunt There's a great big purple sign out front That says every 27th customer Will get a ball peen hammer free I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the Hardware store I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' the the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the Hardware store Would you look at all that stuff... They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters Trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the Hardware store I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the Hardware store I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the Hardware Store Trash Day (parody of "Hot In Herre" by Nelly) Rotten So rotten here So rotten Oh It was like, the last day before trash day My place was gettin' kinda nas-tay Even though the garbage I knew would reek (You know) Thought that I could leave it for one more week Then, um, I'm takin' Birthday cake 'n' (Oh) Chili and greasy old bacon Throw it all on top of the mess I been makin' Wife's so mad, she starts to shakin' Leaky bag, 'n' now that girl is gaggin' She's naggin' "I need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor" "Is that too much to ask you for?" But I see no reason why Can't let a few more weeks go by And now garbage is piled up high And buddy, you should see the flies I said... There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Bot, there's a lot in here (a lot) And every day it grows (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up Look at all this garbage that I keep generatin' (Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin' Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin' Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin' You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma Sure to put you in a coma It's so messy, can't find my toenail clippers It's so bad, the roaches wearin' slippers Warm, sweaty clothes piled up in this joint Stand up by themselves at this point It's so filthy, now baby, I can't lie I wipe my feet before I go outside I wonder what crawled in here and died (You know) Walkin' 'round barefoot, I'd be terrified But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends Like "Hey, I think them rats gettin' big!" Oh There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Look what we got in here (now what) Let's watch it decompose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up With a little bit a... and a little bit a.... Makes me wanna throw up It makes ya wanna... just makes ya wanna... Oh Some Lysol, some Comet I got a mop and it's got your name on it (What?) I'm just kiddin', doggone it (Oh) Unless you gonna do it Careful not to breathe the fumes Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom Oh There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) It's gone to pot in here (to pot) Bring out the firehose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up With a little bit a... and a little bit a... Make me wanna throw up Give a little bit a... and a tiny bit a... Make ya wanna throw up Mix a little bit a... with a molecule a... Make me wanna throw up It makes me wanna... just makes me wanna... Oh Party At The Leper Colony Finger food and an ice cold keg It won't cost you an arm and a leg Dance all night to a rotten band Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand Saturday night it's the place to be Everybody cut footloose with me At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony Hey! Met a little lady so pretty and young She was quite a talker till the cat got her tongue She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me" But she cried her eyes out - literally At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony Hey! Hey! Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip Sorry I was using your head for dip There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who Wait a minute, it looks like Stu Well, hold the phone now, what do I see? Another pretty mama got her eye on me At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony There's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony) There's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony) Oh, there's a party at the leper colony, yeah, party at the leper colony Well, there's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony) Hey! Angry White Boy Polka ["Last Resort" by Papa Roach] Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort Suffocation, no breathing Don't give a %$@& if I cut my arm bleeding This is my last resort 'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's all right, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying ["Chop Suey" by System Of A Down] Wake up (Wake up) Grab a brush and put a little makeup Hide the scars to fade away the shake up (Hide the scars to fade away the shake) Why'd you leave the keys up on the table? Here you go create another fable (You wanted to) Grab a brush and put a little makeup (You wanted to) Hide the scars to fade away the shake up (You wanted to) Why'd you leave the keys up on the table? (You wanted to) I don't think you trust in my Self-righteous suicide I cry When angels deserve to Die die die, die da die die die die die Hey! ["Get Free" by The Vines] I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free Ride into the sun She never loved me She never loved me She never loved me Why should anyone? (Come here, come here, come here) I'll take your photo for ya (Come here, come here, come here) Drive you around the corner (Come here, come here, come here) You know you really oughta (Come here, come here, come here) Move out of California ["Hate To Say I Told You So" by The Hives] Do what I want cause I can if I don't Because I wanna Be ignored by the stiff and the bored Because I'm gonna (Hate to say I told you so) All right (Do believe I told you so) Now it's all out and you knew Cause I wanted to ["Fell In Love With A Girl" by The White Stripes] Fell in love with a girl I fell in love once and almost completely She's in love with the world But sometimes these feeling scan be so misleading Can't think of anything to do Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting She's just looking for something new Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating now ["Last Nite" by The Strokes] Last nite she said Oh baby, don't you feel so down When you turn me off When I feel left out So I... Well, I turn round Oh baby, gonna be all right It was a great big lie 'Cause I left that night Yeah ["Down With The Sickness" by Disturbed] Ooh ah ah ah ah! Ooh ah ah ah ah! Get up, come on get down with the sickness Get up, come on get down with the sickness Get up, come on get down with the sickness Open up your hate and let it flow into me Get up, come on get down with the sickness You mother get up, come on get down with the sickness Get up, come on get down with the sickness Madness is the gift that has been given to me ["Renegades Of Funk" by Rage Against The Machine] We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk ["My Way" by Limp Bizkit] This time I'm-a let it all come out This time I'm-a stand up and shout I'm-a do things my way It's my way, my way or the highway This time I'm-a let it all come out This time I'm-a stand up and shout I'm-a do things my way It's my way... or the highway ["Outside" by Staind] But I'm on the outside I'm looking in I can see through you See your true colors 'Cause inside you're ugly Ugly like me I can see through you See to the real you ["Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock] Bawitdaba da-bang-da-dang-diggy-diggy Diggy-said-the-boogie-said-up-jump-the-boogie Bawitdaba da-bang-da-dang-diggy-diggy Diggy-said-the-boogie-said-up-jump-the-boogie ["Youth Of The Nation" by P.O.D.] We are, we are... the youth of nation We are, we are... the youth of the nation We are, we are... the youth of the nation We are the youth of the nation hey! ["The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem] I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up 'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please, please Please stand up ["Way Moby Polka" by "Weird Al" Yankovic] Slim Shady won't you please... Stand up (Stand up, Shady! Stand up, Shady! Stand up, Shady!) Shady, won't you please stand up Hey! Wanna B Ur Lovr I don't have a library card But do you mind if I check you out? I like your skeletal structre, baby You're an ectomorph, no doubt Your face is real symmetrical And your nostrils are so nice I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl So I could see you twice Girl you smell like Fritos That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare You're so hot, you're gonna melt The elastic in my underwear I'll bet you're magically delicious Like a bowl of Lucky Charms You'd look like Venus de Milo If I just cut off your arms What I'm tryin' to say is... I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now I need somebody to love Do you believe in love at first sight Or should I walk by again? My love for you's like diarrhea I just can't hold it in Stop, drop and roll now 'Cause baby, you're on fire I'll bet your outfit Makes a lot of noise in the drier You're absolutely perfect Don't speak now, you might spoil it Your eyes are even bluer Than the water in my toilet Say, has anyone ever told you You've got Yugoslavian Hands? No, of course not, that would be stupid Just forget I ever brought it up The point I'm trying to make it... I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now I need somebody to love I wanna be your Krakatoa Let my lava flow all over you I wanna be your anaconda And your heat-seeking missile too I wanna be your beef burrito Am I making this perfectly clear? I wanna be your love torpedo Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here? Uh huh I hope I'm not being forward But do you mind if I chew on your butt? You can tell me truthfully Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what? There just aren't enough o's in "smooth" To descrube how smoth I am Maybe you've seen my picture It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!" My lips are registered weapons Can I invade your personal space? You must have fallen from heaven That would explain how you messed up your face Well, how'd you get through security? 'Cause baby, you're the bomb I'd like to take you home right now Soo you can meet my mom Because I... I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now I need somebody to love Girl, you must be Jamaican Because Jamaican me crazy Girl, you must be Jamaican Because Jamaican me crazy I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now I need somebody to love A Complicated Song (parody of "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne) Uh huh... extra cheese Uh huh, uh huh... save a piece for me Pizza party at your house I went just to check it out 19 extra larges - what a shame No one came Just us, eatin' all alone You said, "Take the pizza home" "No sense lettin' all this go to waste" So then I faced Pizza all day And every day This cheese 'round the clock Is gettin' me blocked And I sure don't caree For irregularity Tell me Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? 'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated In the bathroom... I sit and I wait and I strain And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated? No no no I was feelin' pretty down Till my girlfriend came around We're just so alike in every way I gotta say In fact, I just thought I might Pop the question there that night I was kissing her so tenderly But woe is me Who would have guessed Her family crest I'd suddenly spy Tattooed on her thigh And son-of-a-gun It's just like the one on me Tell me How was I supposed to know we were both related? Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated? No no no I had so much on my mind I thought maybe I'd unwind Try out that new roller coaster ride And the guide Said not to stand But that's a demand That I couldn't meet I got on my feet And stood up instead And knocked off my head, you see Tell me Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated? This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it Such a drag now... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore I can't belch or yodel anymore Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated Oh no Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (Yeah yeah) I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated What a bummer Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated No no no Why Does This Always Happen To Me? I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report About some devastating earthquake in Peru There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive On the Richter scale it measured 8.2 And I said, "God, please answer me one question... Why'd they have to interrupt The Simpsons just for this?" What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything And now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed Why does this always happen... Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen... Why does this always happen to me? I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl There was a 12-car pile-up, everybody dead And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work Oh, why does this always happen... Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen... Why does this always happen to me? Oh, the other day my boss said we were running low on toner And he told me I should buy another case Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking Soo I turned around and stabbed him in the face Oh, and wouldn't you know it? My knife got stuck I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again Oh tell me, why does this always happen... Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen... Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen to me? Ode To A Superhero (parody of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel) Poor Peter Parker was pitiful Couldn't have been any shyer Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him Even if his hair was on fire But then one day he went to that science lab That mutated spider came down Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls And he's swingin' all over town La li la, li de da La la, li le la da dom Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man Sling us a web tonight 'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now And there's evil-doers to fight Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his Who horns in on Mary Jane But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys Who can kiss upside-down in the rain "With great power comes great responsibility" That's the catch phrase of old Uncle Ben If you missed it, don't worry, they'll say the line Again and again and again Oh, la la la, di de da La la, di di da da dom Now Norman's a billionaire scientist Who never had time for his son But then something went screwy and before you knew he Was trying to kill everyone And he's ridin' around on the glider thing And he's throwin' that weird pumpkin bomb Yes, he's wearin' that dumb Power Rangers mask But he's scarier without it on Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man Sling us a web tonight 'Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now But where'd you come up with those tights? It's a pretty sad day at the funeral Norman Osborn has bitten the dust And I heard Harry's said he wants Spider-Man dead Aw, but his buddy Pete he can trust Oh, and M.J. is all hot for Peter now Aw, but Peter, he just shuts her down Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try Again when the sequel comes 'round Oh, la la la, di de da La la, di di da da dom Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man Sling us a web tonight 'Cause we all sure could use us a hero now And we thing that you'll do all right Bob I, man, am regal - a German am I Never odd or even If I had a hi-fi Madam, I'm Adam Too hot to hoot No lemons, no melon Too bad I hid a boot Lisa Bonet ate no basil Warsaw was raw Was it a car or a cat I saw? Rise to vote, sir Do geese see God? "Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod Rats live on no evil star Won't lovers revolt now? Race fast, safe car Pa's a sap Ma is as selfless as I am May a moody baby doom a yam? Ah, Satan sees Natasha No devil lived on Lonely Tylenol Not a banana baton No "x" in "Nixon" O, stone, be not so O Geronimo, no minor ego "Naomi," I moan "A Toyota's a Toyota" A dog, a panic in a pagoda Oh, no! Don Ho! Nurse, I spy gypsies - run! Senile felines Now I see bees I won UFO tofu We panic in a pew Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo God! A reg nugget! A fat egg under a dog! Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog eBay (parody of "I Want It That Way" by The Backstreet Boys) Yeah A used...pink bathrobe A rare...mint snow globe A Smurf...TV tray I bought on eBay My house...is filled with this crap Shows up in bubble wrap Most every day What I bought on eBay Tell me why (I need another pet rock) Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock) Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee) They had it on eBay I'll buy your knick-knack Just check...my feedback "A++!" they all say They love me on eBay Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag) Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag)) (From some guy) I've never met in Norway Found him on eBay I am the type who is liable to snipe you With two seconds left to go, whoa Got Paypal or Visa, whatever'll please ya As long as I've got the dough I'll buy...your tchotchkes Sell me...your watch, please I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy...) I'm highest bidder now (Junk keeps arriving in the mail) (From that world-wide garage sale) (Hey! A Dukes of Hazzard ashtray) Oh yeah...(I bought it on eBay) Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox) Wanna buy (a case of vintage tube socks) (Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre) (Found it on eBay) Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcett poster) (Pez dispensers and a toaster) (Don't know why...The kind of stuff you'd throw away) (I'll buy on eBay) What I bought on eBay Genius In France I'm not the brightest crayon in the box Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks I barely even know how to put on my own pants But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France Hoom chaka laka hoom chaka laka hoom chaka I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese I got a negative number on my SATs I'm not good looking, and I don't know how to dance But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be a Genius in France, genius in France, genius in France People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek They dig my mystique, they think I'm c'est magnifique When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic They love my body odor and my bad toupee They love my stripey shirst and my stupid beret And when I'm sipping on a Perrier In some cafe down in St. Tropez It's hard to keep the fans at bay They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait" "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait" Hemenene humenene himenene homenene Poodle... poodle... Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool Got too much chlorine in my gene pool A few peas short of a casserole A few buttons missing on my remote control A few fries short of a Happy Meal I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel Instructions on the heel Instructions on the heel But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response: (He's a genius in France! Genius in France!) That's right! (He's a genius in France! Genius in France!) You know it! (He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France!) I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur, would you take ze picture with me?" I say, "Oui oui" That's right, I say, "Oui oui" "Oui oui" He says, "Oui oui" I'm dumber than a box of hair But those Frenchies don't seem to care Don't know why, mon frere But they love me there I'm a genius in France Yeah... I'm a genius in France Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes Gonna make those Frenchies scream, "You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!" Like a fine Renoir (waa!), I've got that je ne sais quoi (quoi!) Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la!), I've got that je ne sais... Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy Bow I'm a taco short of a combo plate But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great Oh, the men all faint and the women scream They like me more than heavy cream When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie) They think I'm awfully witty, a riot and a half When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh (haw haw haw haw haw) And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw) People in France have lots of attitude They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food But when they see me, they just come unglued They think that I am one happening dude Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle Entre nous, it's very true The room temperature's higher than my IQ But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu How did this happen? I don't have a clue Well... I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm I don't have any skills or grace or charm And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back I'm never never never never goin' back home again I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket Gonna tell the folks back home where they can stick it 'Cause I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back I'm never goin' back The girls back home never gave me a chance But I sho nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance And I'm aware that it's a mostly improbable circumstance But GREAT GOGGILY MOOGILY, I'm a genius in France Every Frenchie that I meet Just can't wait to kiss my feet Get in line, pucker up! Tout suite! Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left I'm the biggest dork there is alive My mom picked out my clothes for me till I was 35 And I forgot to mention I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention But the Frenchies think That my poop don't stink I'm a genius in France Say... would you pass the Grey Poupon? Merci beaucoup Other Tracks Headline News (parody of "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies) Once, there was this kid who Took a trip to Singapore and brought along his spray paint. And when he finally came back, He had cane marks all over his bottom. He said that it was from when The warden whacked it so hard. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Once there was this girl who Swore that one day she would be a figure skating champion. And when she finally made it, She saw some other girl who was better. And so she hired some guy to Club her in the kneecap. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. They got paid for their sound bites, And sold their TV movie rights. And then, there was this guy who Made his wife so mad one night that she cut off his weiner. And when he finally came to, He found that Mr. Happy was missing. He couldn't quite explain it, It'd always just been there. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Ahh ahh ahh ahh. Ahh ahh ahh ahh. Ahh ahh ahh ahh. Ahh ahh ahh ahh. Spy Hard (Theme from the motion picture Spy Hard) A man of intrigue, he lives for the thrill. Always has places to go, and people to kill. Danger is the game he plays, and he holds every card. 'Cause if you wanna win, you gotta spy hard. A man of the world, so suave and discrete. He trips over the women piled up at his feet. But evil's lurking, so he's always on his guard. 'Cause if you're gonna spy, you better spy hard. He's always there when the chips are beginning to fall. He wouldn't care if they kicked him and grabbed him And shot him and stabbed him And nailed both his ears to the wall. Facing death every day is a tough job for any man. But his hours are flexible, and he's got a great dental plan. By the way, if you walked in late, Allow me to reiterate: The name of this movie is "Spy Hard". They call it "Spy Hard". You're watching "Spy Hard". It's the theme from "Spy Hard". Polkamon Krabby, Snubble, Venonat, Mankey, Chansey, and Zubat. Slowking, Ditto, Butterfree, Lugia, and Caterpie. Oddish, Poliwag, Goldeen, Elekid, and Nidoqueen. Victreebel and Magneton. Everybody Polkamon! Aerodactyl, Seel, Machoke, Marill, Moltres, and Slowpoke. Articuno, Ditto, Muk, Flareon, and ol' Psyduck. Cloyster, Kingler, Shellder, Gloom, Snorlax, and of course Vileplume. Zapdos and Charmeleon. Everybody Polkamon! It's time to polka, For Ponyta and Pidgey too. Come on, put on your lederhosen, And try not to step on little Pikachu. You better grab yourself a partner, Like Tentacruel or Bulbasaur. Hold on a minute, There's still at least a hundred and twenty-seven more. Including Ladyba and Omastar. Jynx, Bellossom, and Magmar. Geodude and Arcanine. Jigglypuff and Mr. Mime. Don't forget about Sandslash, Exeggcute, and Rapidash. Lickitung and Porygon. Everybody Polkamon! Everybody Polkamon! Everybody Polkamon!