Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 American Description




Diagnostic Criteria

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of
empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or
more) of the following: 

   1.has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects
     to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 
   2.is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 
   3.believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should
     associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 
   4.requires excessive admiration 
   5.has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or
     automatic compliance with his or her expectations 
   6.is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 
   7.lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 
   8.is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 
   9.shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes 






                                       
                    MALIGNANT SELF LOVE
                    NARCISSISM RE-VISITED
                                       
                                       
             BY: SHMUEL (SAM) VAKNIN, Ph.D.
                                       

                             INTRODUCTION:
                                       
                       THE SOUL OF A NARCISSIST
                         THE STATE OF THE ART

  
  The introduction and some of the chapters contain professional terms and require (in certain sections) professional education.
  

We all love ourselves. That seems to be such an instinctively true assumption that
we do not bother to examine it more thoroughly. In our daily lives - in love and in
business, to mention but two human behaviours - we act on this premise. Yet, upon
closer inspection, it acquires a shakier nature. 

Some people explicitly state that they do not love themselves at all. Others confine
their lack of self-love to certain traits, to their personal history or to some of their
behaviour patterns. Yet others feel content with who they are and with what they
are doing. 

But one group of people seems so distinct in its mental constitution - that it was
distinguished by a special psychological term: "Narcissists". 

The legend of Narcissus is an asset of Western civilization. This Greek boy fell in
love with his own reflection in a pond. Presumably, this amply sums up the nature
of his namesakes: "Narcissists". The mythological Narcissus was punished by the
nymph Echo. How apt. Narcissists are punished by echoes and reflections of their
problematic personalities up to this very day. 

They are said to be in love with themselves. 

But this is a fallacy. Narcissus is not in love with HIMSELF. He is in love with his
REFLECTION. 

There is bound to be a major difference between "true" self and reflected-self. 

Loving your true self sounds like a healthy, adaptive and functional quality - and,
indeed, it is. 

Loving your reflection has two major drawbacks: one is the dependence on the
very existence and availability of a reflection to produce the emotion of self-love. 

The other is the absence of a "compass", an "objective and realistic yardstick", by
which to judge the authenticity of the reflection and to measure its isomorphic
attributes. In other words, it is impossible to tell whether the reflection is true to
reality - and, if so, to what extent. 

The popular misconception is that Narcissists love themselves. In reality, they
direct their love to second hand impressions of themselves in the eyes of beholders.
He who loves impressions is not acquainted with the emotion of loving humans and
is, therefore, incapable of loving them. He loves no humans - and, first and
foremost, he does not love himself. 

But, like Shylock, a Narcissist possesses the in-bred desire to love and to be loved.
If he cannot love himself - he has to love his reflection. But to love his reflection -
it must be lovable. Thus, driven by the insatiable urge to love (which we all
possess), the Narcissist is grossly preoccupied with projecting a loveable image of
himself unto others. This image has to be compatible with his image in his own
eyes ("Self Image"). 

It has to be maintainable with the investment of a reasonable proportion of the
resources and energy of the Narcissist. An image, which would take most of the
Narcissist's time and energy to preserve, would be highly ineffective because it
would render him vulnerable to external threats. 

But the most important characteristic of such an image should be its loveability. 

To a Narcissist, love is interchangeable with other emotions, such as awe, respect,
admiration, or even mere attention. An image which would provoke these reactions
in others - would be both "loveable and loved" to the Narcissist. It would satisfy his
basic requirement: that it should give him something to love which would feel like
self-love. 

The more successful this image (or series of successive images) - the more the
Narcissist becomes divorced from his true self and married to the image. 

I am not saying that the Narcissist does not have this central nucleus of a "Self". All
I am saying is that he prefers his image - with which he identifies himself
unreservedly - to his Self. A hierarchy is formed. The Self becomes a serf to the
Image. 

This is exactly the opposite of the common notions concerning Narcissists. The
Narcissist is not selfish - his Self is paralyzed. 

He is not tuned exclusively to his needs. On the contrary: he ignores them because
many of them conflict with his omnipotent and omniscient image. He does not put
himself first - he puts his Self last. He caters to the needs and wishes of everyone
around him - because he craves their love and admiration. It is through their
affective reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. In many ways he annuls
himself - only to re-invent himself through the look of others. He is the person most
insensitive to his true needs. 

The Narcissist consumes his mental energy incessantly in this process. He drains
himself. This is why he has no energy to dedicate to others. This fact plus his
inability to love human beings in their many dimensions and facets - transform him
into a mental recluse. His soul is fortified and in the solace of this newly found
fortification he guards its territory jealously and fiercely. He protects what he
perceives to constitute his independence. 

Why should people indulge the Narcissist? And what is the "evolutionary", survival
value of preferring one kind of love (directed at a symbol, an image) to another
(directed at one's Self)? 

These questions torment the Narcissist. His convoluted mind comes up with the
most elaborate contraptions in order to provide him with apparently reasonable
answers. 

Why should people indulge the Narcissist, divert time and energy, give him
attention, love and adulation? The Narcissist's answer is simple: because he is
entitled to it. The Narcissist has an inflated sense of entitlement. He feels that he
deserves whatever he succeeds to extract from others and much more. Actually, he
feels betrayed, discriminated against and underprivileged because he always feels
that he is not getting enough, that he should get more than he does. There is a
discrepancy between his infinite certainty that his is a special status worthy of
eternally recurrent praise and adoration, replete with special benefits and
prerogatives - and the actual state of his affairs, however benign. This is the prima
causa of the psychodynamics of the Narcissist's mind. To the Narcissist, this status
of uniqueness is bestowed upon him not by virtue of his achievements, but merely
because he exists. His mere existence is sufficiently unique to warrant the kind of
treatment that he expects to get from the world. Herein lies a paradox, which
haunts the Narcissist: he derives his sense of uniqueness from the very fact that he
exists and he derives his sense of existence from his belief that he is unique. 

Clinical data show that rarely is there any realistic basis for this notion of greatness
and uniqueness. 

Narcissists do hold high positions and, at times, are achievers with proven track
records. Some of them are respected members of their communities, some of them
even leaders. Mostly, they are dynamic and successful. Still, one thing separates
them from persons of similar circumstance: the pomp. 

They are ridiculously pompous and inflated personalities, bordering on the farcical
and provoking resentment. 

The Narcissist is forced to use other people in order to feel that he exists. It is
trough their eyes and through their behaviour that he obtains proof of his
uniqueness and grandeur. He is a habitual "people-junkie". With time, he comes to
regard those around him as mere instruments for his satisfaction, as
two-dimensional cartoon figures with negligible lines in the script of his magnificent
life. He becomes unscrupulous and suppresses all inconvenience that he might have
felt in the past concerning his conduct. He seems never to be bothered by the
constant use he makes of his milieu. He seems not to mind the consequences of his
acts: the damage and the pains that he inflicts on others and even the social
condemnation and sanctions that he often has to endure. 

When a person persists in a dysfunctional, maladaptive or plain useless behaviour
despite grave repercussions to himself and to his surroundings - we say that his acts
are compulsive. 

It would, indeed, be safe to say that the Narcissist is compulsive in his behaviour.
This linkage between Narcissism and obsessive-compulsive disorders sheds light on
the mechanisms of the Narcissistic soul. 

A Narcissist does not suffer from a faulty sense of causation. He is able to
accurately predict the outcomes of his actions and he knows that he might be
forced to pay a dear price for his deeds. But he cannot help it. 

A personality whose very existence is a derivative of its reflection in other people's
minds - is perilously dependent on these people's perceptions. They are the source
of its NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY. Every shred of criticism and disapproval is
interpreted as a withholding of this supply and as a direct threat to the very mental
existence of the Narcissist. The Narcissist lives in a world of all or nothing, of a
constant "to be or not be". Every discussion that he holds, every glance of every
passer-by reaffirms his existence or casts doubt upon it. This is why the reactions
of the Narcissist seem so disproportionate: he reacts to what he perceives to be
threats to the very cohesion of his Self. Thus, a minor disagreement is transformed
in his harried mind into an ominous sign that he is going to remain devoid of his
sources of self-definition. This is such a crucial matter, that the Narcissist cannot
take chances. He would rather be mistaken - then null and void. He would rather
discern disapproval and unjustified criticism where there is none - then face the
consequences of being caught off-guard. 

The Narcissist has to condition his human environment to refrain from expressing
criticism and disapproval of him or of his actions and decisions. He has to teach
people around him that these will provoke him into frightful fits of temper and rage
attacks and turn him into a constantly cantankerous and irascible person. The
disproportion of his reactions constitutes a punishment for their lack of
consideration and their ignorance of his true psychological state. In a curious
reversal of roles - The Narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of
provoking him and believes firmly that "they" should be penalized accordingly.
There is no way to dissuade the Narcissist once he has embarked on one of his
temper tantrums. Apologies - unless accompanied by verbal or other humiliation -
are not enough. The fuel of his rage is consumed mainly by vitriolic verbal sendoffs
directed at the (often imaginary) perpetrator of the (oft imaginary) offense. 

A coherent picture emerges: 

The Narcissist - wittingly or not - utilizes people to buttress his self-image and self-
worth. As long and as much as they are instrumental in achieving these goals - he
holds them in high regard, they are valuable to him. It is only through this lens that
he regards them. This is a result of his inability to love humans: he lacks empathy,
he thinks utility, and he reduces humans to mere instruments. If they cease to
"function", if - no matter how inadvertently - they cause him to doubt this illusory,
half-baked, self-esteem - they become the subject of a reign of terror. The
Narcissist then proceeds to hurt these "insubordinate wretches". He belittles and
humiliates them. He displays aggression and violence in myriad forms. His
behaviour metamorphesizes, kaleidoscopically, from over-valuation of the useful
other - to a severe under- and devaluation of same. 

The Narcissist abhors, almost physiologically, others who are judged by him to be
"useless". 

These rapid alterations between absolute overvaluation to complete devaluation of
others make the maintenance of long term interpersonal relationship all but
impossible. 

The more pathological form of Narcissism - the Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) - was defined in the successive versions of the American DSM and the
European ICD. It is useful to scrutinize these geological layers of clinical
observations and their interpretation. In 1977 the DSM-III criteria included (the
following texts are adaptations of the original ones): 

An inflated valuation of oneself (exaggeration of talents and achievements,
demonstration of presumptuous self confidence); 

Interpersonal exploitation (uses others to satisfy his needs and desires, expects
preferential treatment without undertaking mutual commitments); 

Possesses expansive imagination (externalizes immature and non-regimented
fantasies, "prevaricates to redeem self-illusions"); 

Displays supercilious imperturbability (except when the Narcissistic confidence is
shaken), nonchalant, unimpressed and cold-blooded; 

Defective social conscience (rebels against the conventions of common social
existence, does not value personal integrity and the rights of other people). 

Compare the 1977 version with the one adopted 10 years later (in the DSM-III-R)
and expanded upon in 1994 (in the DSM-IV): 

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or in behaviour), a need for
admiration and a marked lack of empathy which starts at early adulthood and is
present in a variety of contexts. 

At least 5 of the following should be present for a person to be diagnosed as
suffering from NPD: 

1. Possesses a grandiose sense of self-importance (for example: exaggerates his
achievements and his talents, expects his superiority to be recognized without
having the commensurate skills or achievements). 

2. Pre-occupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance and beauty or
of ideal love. 

3. Believes that he is unique and special and that only high status and special people
(or institutions) could understand him (or that it is only with such people and
institutions that it is worth his while to be associated with). 

4. Demands excessive and exceptional admiration. 

5. Feels that he is deserving of exceptionally good treatment, automatic obeisance
of his (usually unrealistic) expectations. 

6. Exploitative in his interpersonal relationships, uses others to achieve his goals. 

7. Lacks empathy: is disinterested in other people's needs and emotions and does
not identify with them. 

8. Envies others or believes that others envy him. 

9. Displays arrogance and haughtiness. 

There emerges a portrait of a monster, a ruthless and exploitative person. But this is
only the phenomenological side. Inside, the Narcissist suffers from a chronic lack of
confidence and is fundamentally dissatisfied. 

On the outside, his is a vicissitudinal nature. This is far from reflecting the barren
landscape of misery and fears that constitutes his soul. His tumultuous behaviour
covers up for a submissive, depressed interior. 

How can such contrasts coexist? 

Freud (1915) offered a trilateral model of the human psyche, composed of the Id,
the Ego and the Super-Ego. 

According to Freud, the Narcissists are dominated by their Ego to such an extent
that the Id and Super-Ego are neutralized. Early in his career, Freud believed
Narcissism to be a normal developmental phase between autoeroticism and object-
love. Later on, he concluded that the development cycle can be thwarted by the
very efforts we all make in our infancy to develop the capacity to love an object.
Some of us, thus Freud, fail to grow beyond the phase of self-love in the
development of the libido. Others refer to themselves and prefer themselves as
THE objects of love (instead of preferring their mothers). 

This choice - to concentrate on the self - is the result of an unconscious decision to
give up an unrewarding effort to love others and to trust them. 

The child learns that the only one he can trust to always and reliably be available -
is he. Therefore, the only one he can love without being abandoned or hurt - is
again he. Other meaningful others were inconsistent in their acceptance of the child
and the only times they paid attention to him were when they wished to satisfy their
needs. They tended to ignore him when these needs were no longer pressing or
existent. So, the child learned to sidestep longer and deeper relationships - in order
to avoid this approach-avoidance pendulum. Protecting himself from hurt and from
abandonment, he would rather not have anything to do with people around him. He
digs in - rather than spring out. 

As children, all of us go through this phase of disbelief. We all put the humans
around us (=the objects) to a test. This is the Primary Narcissistic Stage. A positive
relationship with one's parents (=Primary Objects) secures the smooth transition to
Object Love. The child forgoes his Narcissism. This is tough: Narcissism has its
allure. It is very soothing, warm and dependable. It never lets one down. It is
always present and omnipresent. It is custom tailored to the needs of the individual.
To love oneself is to have the perfect lover. Good reasons and a strong force are
required to motivate the child to give it up. This force is called "Parental Love".
The child progresses in order to be able to love his parents. If they are Narcissists -
they will go through the idealization (over-valuation) and devaluation cycle. They
will not reliably satisfy the ever-present needs of the Child. In other words, they
will frustrate him. He will develop the sensation that he is no more than a toy, a
tool to provide his parents with satisfaction, means to an end. This will deform the
budding Ego. The Child will form a strong dependence (as opposed to attachment)
upon his parents. This dependence is really a reflection of fear, the mirror image of
aggression, as we will see later. In Freud-speak (Psychoanalysis) we say that the
child is likely to develop accentuated oral fixations and regressions. In plain terms,
we are likely to see a lost, phobic, helpless, raging child. 

But a child is still a child and his relationship with his parents is of ultimate
importance to him. 

He, therefore, fights himself and tries to defuse his libidinal and aggressive
sensations and emotions. This way, he hopes to rehabilitate the damaged
relationship (which never really existed - hence the primordial prevarication, the
mother of all future fantasies). In his embattled mind, he transforms the Superego
into an idealized, sadistic parent-child. His Ego becomes the complementing part in
this imaginary play of invented roles: a hated, devalued child-parent. 

The family is the mainspring of support of every kind. It mobilizes psychological
resources and alleviates emotional burdens. It allows for the sharing of tasks,
provides material supplies coupled with cognitive training. It is the prime
socialization agent and encourages the absorption of information, most of it useful
and adaptive. 

This division of labour between parents and children is vital both to development
and to proper adaptation. The child must feel, in a functional family, that he can
share his experiences without being defensive and that the feedback that he is likely
to get will be open and unbiased. The only "bias" acceptable (because it is
consistent with constant outside feedback) is the set of beliefs, values and goals that
will finally be internalized via imitation and unconscious identification. So, the
family is the first and the most important source of identity and of emotional
support. It is a greenhouse wherein a child feels loved, accepted and secured - the
prerequisites for the development of personal resources. On the material level, the
family should provide the basic necessities (and, preferably, beyond), physical care
and protection and refuge and shelter during crises. 

We have discussed the role of the mother (the Primary Object). The father's part is
mostly neglected, even in professional literature. However, recent research
demonstrates his importance to the orderly and healthy development of the child. 

He participates in the day to day care, is an intellectual catalyst, who encourages
the child to develop his interests and to satisfy his curiosity through the
manipulation of various instruments and games. He is a source of authority and
discipline, a boundary setter, enforcing and encouraging positive behaviours and
eliminating negative ones. He also provides emotional support and economic
security, thus stabilizing the family unit. Finally, he is the prime source of masculine
orientation and identification to the male child - and gives warmth and love as a
male to his daughter, without exceeding the socially permissible limits. 

We can safely say that the Narcissist's family is as severely disturbed as he is. He is
nothing but a reflection of its dysfunction. One or more (usually, many more) of
the functions aforementioned are improperly carried out. 

Thus, the stage is set for the Narcissistic personality to commence its drawn out
journey. 

The two most important mechanisms are in place and operating: 

First, the mechanism of self-deception: "I do have a relationship with my parents. It
is my fault - the fault of my emotions, sensations, aggressions and passions - that
this relationship is not working. It is, therefore, my responsibility to make amends. I
will write a play in which I am both loved and punished. In this play, I will allocate
roles to myself and to my parents. This way, everything will be fine and we will all
be happy. End." 

Second is the mechanism of over-valuation and devaluation. The dual roles of
sadist and punished masochist (Superego and Ego), parent and child - permeate,
then invade and then pervade all the interactions that a Narcissist has with his
fellow humans. He experiences a reversal of roles as his relationships progress. 

At the beginning of every relationship he is the child in need of attention, approval
and admiration. He becomes dependent. Then, at the first sign of disapproval (real
or imaginary), he is revealed as an avowed sadist, punishing and inflicting pain. 

Another school of psychology is represented by Otto Kernberg (1975, 1984, 1987).

Kernberg is a senior member of the "Object Relations" school in Psychology
(Kohut, Kernberg, Klein, Winnicott). 

Kernberg disagrees with Freud. He regards the division between an Object Libido
(=energy directed at Objects, people in the immediate vicinity of the infant and who
are meaningful to him) and a Narcissistic Libido (=energy directed at the Self as the
most immediate and satisfying Object), which precedes it - as artificial. 

Whether a Child develops a normal or a pathological Narcissism depends on the
relations between the representations of the Self (=roughly, the image of the Self
that he forms in his mind) and the representations of Objects (=roughly, the images
of the Objects that he forms in his mind, based on all the information available to
him, including emotional data). It is also dependent on the relationship between the
representations of the Self and real, external, "objective" Objects. Add to this
instinctual conflicts related both to the Libido and to aggression (these very strong
emotions give rise to strong conflicts in the child) and a comprehensive explanation
concerning the formation of pathological Narcissism emerges. 

Kernberg's concept of Self is closely related to Freud's concept of Ego. The Self is
dependent upon the unconscious, which exerts a constant influence on all mental
functions. Pathological Narcissism, therefore, reflects a libidinal investment in a
pathologically structured Self and not in a normal, integrative structure of the Self.
The Narcissist suffers from a Self, which is devalued or fixated on aggression. 

All object relations of such a Self are distorted: it detaches them from the real
Objects (because they hurt him often), dissociates, represses, or projects them unto
others. Narcissism is not merely a fixation on an early developmental stage. It is not
confined to the failure to develop intra-psychic structures. 

It is an active, libidinal investment in a deformed structure of the Self. 

Kohut regarded Narcissism as the final product of the failing efforts of parents to
cope with the needs of the child to idealize and to be grandiose (for instance, to be
omnipotent). 

Idealization is an important developmental path leading to Narcissism. The child
merges the idealized aspects of the images of the parent (Imago in his terminology)
with those wide sectors of the image of the parent which are cathected (infused)
with object libido (=in which the child invests the energy that he reserves to
Objects). This exerts an enormous and all-important influence on the
re-internalization processes (=the processes in which the child re-introduced the
Objects and their images into his mind) which are right for each of the successive
phases. Through these processes, two permanent nuclei of the personality are
constructed: 

a. The basic, neutralizing texture of the psyche and 

b. The ideal Superego 

Both of them are characterized by an invested instinctual Narcissistic cathexis
(=invested energy of self-love which is instinctual in its nature). 

At first, the child idealizes his parents. As he grows, he begins to notice their
shortcomings and vices. He withdraws part of the idealizing libido from the images
of the parents, which is conducive to the natural development of the Superego. The
Narcissistic sector in the child's psyche remains vulnerable throughout its
development. This is largely true until the Child re-internalizes the ideal parent
image. Also, the very construction of the mental apparatus can be tampered with by
traumatic deficiencies and by object losses right through the Oedipal period (and
even in latency and in adolescence). 

The same effect can be attributed to traumatic disappointment by objects. 

Disturbances leading to the formation of NPD can be thus grouped: 

1. Very early disturbances in the relationship with an ideal object. These lead to
structural weakness of the personality which develops a deficient and/or
dysfunctional stimuli filtering mechanism. The ability of the individual to maintain a
basic Narcissistic homeostasis of the personality is damaged. 
Such a person will suffer from diffusive Narcissistic vulnerability. 

2. A disturbance occurring later in life - but still pre-Oedipally - will effect the
pre-Oedipal formation of the basic fabric of the control, channeling and neutralizing
of drives and urges. The nature of the disturbance has to be a traumatic encounter
with the ideal object (such as a major disappointment). The symptomatic
manifestation of this structural defect is the propensity to re - sexualize drive
derivatives and internal and external conflicts either in the form of fantasies or in
the form of deviant acts. 

3. A disturbance formed in the Oedipal or even in the early latent phases - inhibits
the completion of the Superego idealization. This is especially true of a
disappointment related to an ideal object of the late Pre-Oedipal and the Oedipal
stages, where the partly idealized external parallel of the newly internalized object is
traumatically destroyed. 
Such a person will possess a set of values and standards - but he will forever look
for ideal external figures from whom he will aspire to derive the affirmation and the
leadership that his insufficiently idealized Superego cannot supply. 

Everyone agrees that a loss (real or perceived) at a critical junction in the
psychological development of the Child - forces him to refer to himself for
nurturing and for gratification. The Child ceases to trust others and his ability to
develop object love or to idealize is hampered. He is constantly shadowed by the
feeling that only he can satisfy his emotional needs and he regards others as mere
means to this end. 

He exploits people, sometimes unintentionally, but always ruthlessly and
mercilessly. He uses them to obtain confirmation of the accuracy of his grandiose
self-portrait. 

The Narcissist is usually above treatment. He knows best. His superiority extends
to his therapist in particular and to psychology in general. He would seek treatment
only following a major crisis, which directly threatens his projected and perceived
image. Colloquially, we would say that the Narcissist's "pride" has to be severely
hurt to motivate him to admit his need for help. Even then, the therapy session bear
the semblance of a battleground. The Narcissist is aloof and distanced,
demonstrates his superiority in a myriad of ways, resents what he perceives to be
an intrusion on his innermost sanctum. He is offended by any hint regarding defects
or dysfunctions in his personality or in his behaviour. A Narcissist is a Narcissist is
a Narcissist - even when asking for help with his world and worldview shattered. 
  

  
                              CHAPTER ONE:
                                       
                             BEING SPECIAL
  

We all fear to lose our identity and our uniqueness. We seem to be acutely aware
of this fear in a crowd of people. "Far from the madding crowd" is not only the
name of a book - it is also an apt description of one of the most ancient recoil
mechanisms. 

This wish to be distinct, "special" in the most primordial sense, is universal. It
crosses cultural barriers and spans different periods in human history. We use
hairdressing, clothing, behaviour, lifestyles and products of our creative mind - to
differentiate ourselves. 

The sensation of "being unique or special" is of paramount importance. It motivates
many a social behaviour, coupling and mating included. A person feels
indispensable, one of a kind, in a loving relationship. His uniqueness is reflected
back at him by his spouse and this provides him with an "independent, external and
objective" affirmation of his special-ness. 

This sounds very close to pathological Narcissism, as it was defined in our
Introduction. Indeed, the difference is in measure - not in substance. 

A healthy person "uses" people around him to confirm his sense of distinctiveness -
but he does not over-dose or over-do it. Feeling unique is to him of secondary
importance. He derives the bulk of it from his well-developed, differentiated ego.
The clear-cut boundaries of his ego and his thorough acquaintance with a beloved
 






 


 


 





Associated Features

     Depressed Mood 
     Dramatic/Erratic/Antisocial Personality 



Differential Diagnosis

Histrionic Personality Disorder; Antisocial Personality Disorder; Borderline Personality Disorder;
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder; Schizotypal Personality Disorder; Paranoid Personality
Disorder; Manic Episodes; Hypomanic Episodes; Personality Change Due to a General Medical
Condition; symptoms that may develop in association with chronic substance use. 












                                               




                                              
                    Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited 
                             Frequently Asked Questions 
 
Frequently Asked question #1 Answered by : Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

  

Question: 
Can the Narcissist have a meaningful life? 

Answer: 
We all have a scenario of our lives. We invent - then adopt, led by and measure
ourselves against - personal narratives. These are, normally, commensurate with
our personal histories, our predilections, our abilities and our skills. We are not
likely to invent a narrative, which will be wildly out of synch with our selves. We
will not judge ourselves according to a narrative, which is not somehow correlated
to what we can reasonably achieve. In other words, we are not likely to frustrate
and punish ourselves knowingly. As we progress in life - our narrative changes.
Parts of it are fulfilled and this increases our self-confidence, self worth and self
esteem and makes us feel fulfilled, satisfied, makes us feel good and at peace with
ourselves. 

The Narcissist differs from normal people in that he harbours a HIGHLY
unrealistic narrative. This could be the legacy of a primary object (a Narcissist,
domineering mother, for instance) - or it could be the product of the Narcissist's
psyche. Instead of realistic guidelines, therefore, the Narcissist has a Grandiose
Fantasy. The latter cannot be effectively pursued. It is an elusive, ever receding
target. 

This constant failure (the Grandiosity Gap) leads to dysphorias and to losses
(starting with the loss of the Pathological Narcissistic Space - PNS). See :
"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited" for an in depth analysis of these
mechanisms. From the outside, the Narcissist is perceived to be sick, strange, prone
to illusions and delusions, especially self-delusions and, therefore, lacking in
judgement. 

The dysphorias - the bitter fruit of the grandiose fantasies - are painful and the
Narcissist learns to avoid them by living without a narrative altogether. He
"understands" (or, rather, is conditioned to understand) that his specific "brand" of
narratives leads to sadness and agony and is a form of self-punishment (inflicted by
the sadistic, rigid Superego). This punishment serves another purpose: to support
and confirm the judgement meted out by the Primary Object in childhood (and,
now, an inseparable part of the Narcissist's Superego). After all, Mother said that
the Narcissist was a bad, rotten, useless apple - Mother could not have been wrong
(only raising the possibility proves that she was right!) - therefore, the Narcissist
must make sure that he indeed BECOMES bad, rotten and useless. 

Yet, no human being - however deformed - can live devoid of any narrative. The
Narcissist develops circular, ad-hoc, conjunctural (circumstantial) and fantastic
narratives (the Contingent Narratives). Their role is to avoid confrontation with (the
often disappointing and disillusioning) reality. He thus reduces the volume of the
dysphorias and their strength, though by no means can he avoid the Narcissistic
Cycle. 

The Narcissist pays a heavy price for accommodating his dysfunctional narratives: 

Emptiness, existential loneliness (he shares no common psychic ground with other
humans), sadness, drifting, emotional absence, emotional platitude,
mechanization/robotization (lack of anima, excess persona in Jung's terms),
meaninglessness. This fuels his envy and the resulting rage and amplifies the EIPM
(Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures). 

The Narcissist develop a "Zu Leicht - Zu Schwer" ("Too Easy - Too difficult")
syndrome: 

To the Narcissist, life is too difficult. The Narcissist does have achievements which
would have been judged by anyone to be very real (not fantastic) and which could
have mitigated the perceived harshness of life. But he has to "downgrade" them as
"too easy" to achieve. The Narcissist cannot admit that he has toiled to achieve
something - this will shatter his Grandiose False Self. He must belittle every
achievement of his and make it a matter of course, nothing special, quite routine.
This is intended to support the dreamland quality of his fragmented personality. But
it also prevents him from deriving the psychological benefits, which usually accrue
to goal attainment: an enhancement of self-confidence, a more realistic
self-assessment of one's capabilities and abilities, a strengthening sense of
self-worth. 

The Narcissist is doomed to roam a circular labyrinth. When he does achieve
something - he degrades it to enhance his own sense of omnipotence. Otherwise,
he dare not face reality. He escapes to the land of no narratives where life is
nothing but a parched stretch of desert to be dispensed with as soon as possible.
The Narcissist whiles his life away. 
  

A Philosophical Comment about Shame 

Above, I postulated the existence of a "Grandiosity Gap". Plainly put, it is the
difference between self-image, how the narcissist "sees" himself and contravening
cues from reality. The more conflict between grandiosity and reality, the bigger the
gap. 

I, therefore, suggest to have two varieties of shame: 

The Narcissistic Shame - which is the experience of the Grandiosity Gap (and its
affective correlate). Subjectively it is experienced as a pervasive feeling of
worthlessness (the regulation of self-worth lies at the crux of pathological
narcissism), "invisibleness" and ridiculousness. The patient feels pathetic and
foolish, deserving of mockery and humiliation. 

Narcissists adopt all kinds of defences to counter narcissistic shame. They develop
addictive or impulsive behaviours. They deny, withdraw, rage, engage in the
compulsive pursuit of some kind of (unattainable, of course) perfection. They
display haughtiness and exhibitionism and so on. All these defences are employed
primitively (or are primitive, like splitting) and involve projective identification. 

The second type of shame is Self-related Shame. It is the classical rendition of a
gap between grandiosity (or Ego Ideal) and Self or Ego. This is the well known
shame and it has been treated widely in the works of Freud (1914), Reich (1960),
Jacobson (1964), Kohut (1977), Kingston (1983), Spero (1984) and Morrison
(1989). 

I think a clear distinction has to be drawn between GUILT (or control) -related
Shame and Conformity-related Shame. 
  
Guilt is an "objectively" determinable philosophical entity (given relevant knowledge
regarding societal and cultural make up, it is context-dependent, needless to say). It
is the derivative of an underlying assumption by OTHERS that a Moral Agent does
control certain aspects of the world. This assumed control imputes guilt to it, if it
acts in a manner incommensurate or refrains from acting in a manner
commensurate with prevailing "morals". 

So, shame here is a result of the ACTUAL occurrence of AVOIDABLE outcomes
which imputes guilt to a Moral Agent. 
  
We must distinguish GUILT from GUILT FEELINGS, though. Guilt feelings (and
the attaching shame) can be ANTICIPATORY. A Moral Agent assumes, similarly,
that it has control over certain aspects of the world. But then, it is able to predict
the outcomes of INTENTIONS and feel guilt and shame as a result. 

Guilt Feelings are composed of a component of Fear and a component of Anxiety.
The fear is related to the external, objective, observable consequences of actions or
inaction by the Moral Agent. The Anxiety has to do with the INNER consequences.
It is ego-dystonic and threatens the identity of the Moral Agent because being
Moral is part of its identity and important one at that. The internalization of these
guilt feelings leads to a shame reaction. 

So, shame has to do with guilty feelings, not with GUILT, per se. These guilty
feelings are a composite of reactions and anticipated reactions of others to external
outcomes such a waste, disappointment of others, failure (the FEAR component) +
the reactions and anticipated reactions of the Moral Agent itself to internal
outcomes (helplessness=loss of presumed control, narcissistic injuries - the
ANXIETY component). 

Hitherto: guilt/control - related shame. 
 
There is a conformity-related shame. It has to do with the feeling of "otherness". It
also involves a component of fear (of the reactions of others to one's otherness)
and of anxiety (of the reactions of one to one's own otherness). 

I think the guilt-related shame is more connected to Self-related shame (perhaps
through a psychic construct akin to the Superego). On the other hand,
conformity-related shame is more typical of narcissistic shame. 


Question: 
How to cope with a Narcissist? 

Answer: 
No one bears any responsibility whatsoever to the Narcissist's predicament. For
him, others hardly exist - so enmeshed he is in himself and in the resulting misery
of this self-preoccupation. Others are hangers on which he hangs the clothes of
wrath, of rage, of suppressed and mutating aggression and, finally, of ill disguised
violence. How should the persons nearest and dearest to the Narcissist cope with
his eccentric vagaries? 

The short answer is by abandoning him or by threatening to abandon him. The
threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If you don't do or if you do
something - I will desert you"). It is sufficient to confront the Narcissist, to insist, to
shout back. The Narcissist is tamed by the very same weapons that he employs to
subjugate others. The specter of being abandoned looms large over everything else.
Every discordant note assumes the monstrous proportions of solitude,
abandonment, and the resulting confrontation with his Self. The Narcissist is a
person who was irreparably traumatized by the behaviour of the most important
adults in his life: his parents. By being capricious, arbitrary, sadistically judgmental -
they molded him into an adult, who fervently and obsessively tries to recreate the
trauma (repetition complex). Thus, on the one hand, the Narcissist feels that his
liberation depends upon re-living these experiences. On the other hand, he is
terrified by this prospect. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same
harrowing experience, the Narcissist distances himself from the scene of his own
pending emotional catastrophe. He does this by using his aggression to alienate, to
humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent. This behaviour brings about the
very consequences that the Narcissist so derides. This way, at least, the Narcissist
can tell himself (and others) that HE was the one who controlled the events, that it
was truly fully his choice. Of course, governed by his internal demons, the
Narcissist has no choice to talk about. 

The Narcissist is, therefore, a binary human being: the carrot is the stick in his case.
If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he fears ultimate and inevitable
abandonment. He, thus, distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very
abandonment that he feared in the first place. In this paradox lies the key to coping
with the Narcissist: If he has a rage attack - rage back. This will provoke in him
fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might seem
unbelievable. Narcissists are known for these tectonic shifts in mood and in
behaviour patterns. 

Mirror the Narcissists actions and repeat his words. If he threatens - threaten back
and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house -
leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious - act suspicious. Be critical,
denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level - because that is where he
permanently is. Faced with his mirror image - the Narcissist will always recoil. 

We must not forget: the Narcissist does all these things to foster and encourage
abandonment. Reflected at him, the Narcissist will see the imminent, impending
abandonment, which is the inevitable result of his actions and words. This sight will
so terrify him - that it will induce an incredible alteration of his behaviour. He will
instantly succumb and try to make amends, moving from one (cold and bitter,
cynical and misanthropic, cruel and sadistic) pole to another (warm, even loving,
the sort of fuzzy, engulfing emotion that we feel on a particularly good or
successful day). 

The other way is to abandon him and go about reconstructing your life. Very few
people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to living with
a Narcissist. To cope with a Narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining
job, which reduces the persons around the Narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks.
Who deserves such a sacrifice? 

No one, to my mind, not even the most brilliant, charming, breathtaking, suave
Narcissist. The glamour and trickery wear thin and underneath them a monster
lurks which sucks the affect, distorts the cognition and irreversibly influences the
lives of those around it to the worse. 

Others delineate a more sweeping dichotomous strategy. Both philosophically and
pragmatically, we cannot and should not assume responsibility for other people and
their lives. Narcissists are incorrigibly and notoriously difficult to change. Trying to
change them is a wrong strategy. The two viable strategies are either accepting
them as they are or avoiding them altogether. If one accepts a narcissist as he is -
one should cater to his needs. His needs are part of what he is. Would you have
ignored a physical handicap? Would you not have assisted a quadriplegic? The
Narcissist is an emotional invalid. He needs constant adulation. He cannot help it.
So, if one chooses to accept him - it is a package deal, all his needs included. 

Also, narcissists cannot love. If you love only in order to be loved back - this is
narcissistic love. Loving someone is not dependent upon emotional reciprocity. If
your child stopped loving you - you do not stop loving him. You simply cannot
NOT love him. The same applies to narcissists. They are incapable of loving. Does
this render you incapable of loving them? If your answer is positive, then how
different from them are you really? 
  

 
Question:
What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted to a Narcissist? 
 
Answer:
On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who typically "binds"
with a Narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initial phases of
attraction, infatuation and falling in love are pretty normal. The Narcissist is putting
on his best face - the other party is blinded by budding love. A natural selection
process occurs only much later, as the relationship develops and is put to the test. 
 
Living with a Narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often harrowing.
Surviving a relationship with a Narcissist indicates, therefore, the parameters of the
personality of the survivor. He is molded by the relationship into The Typical
Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse. 
 
First and foremost, the Narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a distorted
grasp of his self and of reality. Otherwise, he (or she) is bound to abandon the
Narcissist's precarious ship early on. The distortion is likely to belittle and demean
the partner - while aggrandizing and adoring the Narcissist. The partner is, thus,
placing himself in the position of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a
scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial
and victimized. At other times, he is not even aware of his predicament. The
Narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these
sacrifices from the partner, superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally,
morally, financially). 
 
The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's tendency to punish his
self, namely: with his masochistic streak. The torment, which is a life with a
Narcissist is a just punitive measure. 
 
In this respect, the partner is the mirror image of the Narcissist. By maintaining a
symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally dependent upon the source of
masochistic supply (which the Narcissist most reliably constitutes and most amply
provides) - the partner enhances certain traits and encourages certain behaviours,
which are at the very core of Narcissism. A Narcissist is never whole without an
adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very sense of
superiority, indeed his False Self, depends on it. His sadistic Super-Ego directs itself
at the partner, thus finally obtaining a legitimate source of satisfaction (which does
not endanger the very existence of the Narcissist). 
 
It is through self-denial that the partner survives. He denies his wishes, hopes,
dreams, aspirations, sexual needs, psychological needs, material needs, everything,
which might engender the wrath of the Narcissist God-like supreme figure. The
Narcissist is rendered even more superior through and because of this self-denial. It
is easy to explain self-denial undertaken to facilitate and ease the life of a Great
Man. The Greater the Man (=the Narcissist), the easier it is for the partner to
ignore his self, to dwindle, to degenerate, to turn into an appendix of the Narcissist
and, finally, to become nothing but an extension, to merge with the Narcissist to the
point of oblivion and of dim memories of one's self. 
 
The two collaborate in this macabre dance. The Narcissist is formed by his partner
inasmuch as he forms him. Submission breeds superiority and masochism breeds
sadism inasmuch as the reverse is true. The relationships are characterized by
rampant emergentism: roles are allocated almost from the start and any deviation
meets with an aggressive, even violent reaction. 
 
The predominant chord in the partner's mind is utter, unadulterated confusion.
Even the most basic relationships - with husband, children, or parents - remain
bafflingly obscured by the giant shadows cast by the intensive interaction with the
Narcissist. A suspension of judgement is part and parcel of a suspension of
individuality, which is both a prerequisite to and the result of living with a
Narcissist. The partner no longer knows what is true and right and what is wrong
and forbidden. The Narcissist recreates for the partner the sort of emotional
ambience that led to his formation in the first place: capriciousness, fickleness,
arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual) abandonment. The world becomes
uncertain and frightening and the partner has only one sure thing to cling to: the
Narcissist. 
 
And cling he does. If there is anything which can safely be said about those who
emotionally team up with Narcissists, it is that they are overtly and overly
dependent, even compulsively so. 
 
The partner doesn't know what to do - and this is only too natural in situations of
conflict, as any relationship with a Narcissist is. But the typical partner also does
not know what he wants and, to a large extent, who he is and what he wants to
become. A lack of answers to these questions is serious. 
 
It is serious because it hampers the partner's ability to gauge reality, evaluate and
appraise it for what it is. His primordial sin is that he fell in love with an image, not
with a real person. It is the voiding of the image that is mourned when the
relationships end. 
 
The breakup of a relationship with a Narcissist is, therefore, more emotionally
charged than usual. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of
subjugation. It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's
personality against the tyranny of the Narcissist. 
 
The partner is bound to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole
interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship, usually there was none but in the
aspirations and the hopes of the partner). This lack of proper interface with reality
might be (erroneously) labeled "pathological". 
 
Why is it that the partner seeks to prolong his pain? What is the source and purpose
of this masochistic streak? In all likelihood, the partner is an inverted Narcissist, a
suppressed one, or a latent one - in the limited sense that his psychological
make-up and formation are identical to those of the Narcissist. This deep-rooted,
deep-seated identity fosters the frequent follies-a-deux which is the Narcissistic
couple. Upon the breakup of the relationship, the partner (and the Narcissist)
engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem. But the question who really did
what to whom (and even  why) is irrelevant. What is relevant is to stop mourning
oneself (this is what the parties are really mourning), start smiling again and love in
a less subservient, hopeless, and pain-inflicting manner.
  



Question: 
In his drive for Narcissistic Supply, would the Narcissist be callous enough to
exploit the tragedy of others, if this exploitation were to secure a new supply
source? 

Answer: 
Yes. I compared Narcissistic Supply to drug supply because of the almost
involuntary and always-unrestrained nature of the pursuit involved in securing it.
The Narcissist is no better or worse (morally speaking) than others. But he lacks
the ability to empathize precisely because he is obsessed with the maintenance of
his delicate inner balance through the (ever-growing) consumption of Narcissistic
Supply. 

The Narcissist rates people around him. First, he conducts a binary test: can this or
that person provide him with Narcissistic supply? 

As far as the Narcissist is concerned, those who fail this simple test do not exist.
They are two-dimensional cartoon figures. Their feelings, needs and fears are of no
interest or importance. 

Those persons who filtered through, are then subjected to a meticulous examination
and probing of the volume and quality of the Narcissistic supply that is likely to
emanate from them. The Narcissist will nurture and cultivate these people. He will
cater to their needs, desires, and wishes. He will consider their emotions. He will
encourage those aspects of their personality that are likely to enhance their ability to
provide him with his much needed supply. In this very restricted sense, he will
regard them as "human". This will be his way to "maintain and service" his supply
sources. Needless to say that he loses any and all interest in them and in their needs
once he judges that they have lost their capacity to supply him with what he needs:
an audience, adoration, witnessing (=memory). The same reaction will be provoked
by any behaviour - however slight - which will be deemed by the Narcissist to be
Narcissistically offending. 

If a person close to the Narcissist finds himself in tragic circumstances - these are
coldly evaluated by the Narcissist. Will these circumstances enable him to extract
Narcissistic Supply from that person - or from others who will witness his
interaction with the Narcissist? 

A Narcissist, for instance, will give a helping hand, console, guide, share grief,
encourage another hurting person only if that person is important, powerful, has
access to other important or powerful people, or to the media, has a following, etc. 

The same will apply if helping, consoling, guiding, or encouraging the person will
win the Narcissist applause, approval, adoration, a following, or some other kind of
Narcissist Supply from on-lookers and witnesses to the interaction. The act of
helping another person must be documented and thus transformed by the twins of
admiration and memory into Narcissistic nourishment. 

Otherwise the Narcissist is not concerned or interested neither in the person nor in
his circumstances. The Narcissist has no time or energy for anything, except the
next Narcissistic fix, NO MATTER WHAT THE PRICE AND WHO IS
TRAMPLED UPON. 
  


Question: 
Can a Narcissist ever get better and, if not, how should his partner end a
relationship with him? 

Answer: 
A Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a systemic, all-pervasive condition, very
much like pregnancy: either you have it or you don't. Once you have it, you have it
day and night, it is an inseparable part of the personality, a recurrent set of
behaviour patterns. 

Recent research shows that there is a condition which might be called "Transient or
Temporary or Short Term Narcissism" as opposed to "The Real Thing - the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD)". The phenomenon of "Reactive
Narcissistic Regression" is well known: people regress to a transient narcissistic
phase in reaction to a major life crisis which threatens their mental composure. 

There are Narcissistic touches in every personality and in this sense, all of us are
Narcissists to this or to that extent. But this is a far cry from the NPD pathology. 

One bit of good news: no one knows why, but as with age (in one's forties) the
Disorder seems to decay and, finally, stay on in the form of a subdued mutation of
itself. This does not universally occur, though. 

Should a partner stay on with a Narcissist in the hope that his Disorder will be
ameliorated by ripe age? This is a matter of value judgement, preferences,
priorities, background, emotions and a host of other "non scientific" matters. There
could be no one "right" answer. It would seem that the only valid criterion is the
partner's well being. If he or she feels bad in a relationship (and no amount of
self-help or of professional help suffices) - then looking for the exit sounds like a
viable and healthy strategy. 

This raises the second part of the question: a relationship with a Narcissist is of
dependence, even symbiosis. Moreover, the Narcissist is a superb emotional
manipulator and extortionist. In some cases, there is real threat to his mental
stability. Even "demonstrative" (failed) suicide cannot be ruled out in the repertory
of Narcissistic reactions to abandonment. And even a modest amount of residual
love harbored by the Narcissist's partner makes the separation very difficult for him
or her. 

But there is a magic formula. 

A Narcissist is with his partner because he regards IT as a source of Narcissistic
supply. He values the partner as such a source. Put differently: the minute that the
partner ceases to supply him with what he needs - he will lose all interest in IT. (I
use IT judiciously - the Narcissist objectifies his partners, treats them as he would
inanimate objects.) 

The transition from over-valuation (bestowed upon sources of Narcissistic supply)
to devaluation (reserved for other mortals) is so swift that it is likely to inflict pain
upon the Narcissist's partner, even if he previously prayed for the Narcissist to
depart and leave him alone. The partner is the Narcissist's pusher and the drug that
he is selling to him is stronger than any other drug because it sustains the
Narcissist's very essence (his False Self). 

Without Narcissistic supply the Narcissist disintegrates, crumbles and shrivels - very
much as vampires do in horror movies when exposed to sunlight. 

Here lies the partner's salvation. An advice to you: stop providing the Narcissist
with what he needs. Do not adore, admire, approve, applaud, or confirm anything
that he does or says. Disagree with his views, belittle him (or put him in perspective
and proportion), compare him to others, tell him that he is not unique, criticize him,
make suggestions, offer help, or ignore him altogether. In short, deprive him of that
illusion which holds his personality together. 

The Narcissist is a delicately attuned piece of equipment. At the first sign of danger
to his inflated, fantastic and grandiose self - he will disappear on you. 



Question: 
The Narcissist is not entirely responsible for his actions. Should we judge him, get
angry at him, be upset by him? Above all, should we communicate our displeasure
with him - to him? 

Answer: 
The Narcissist knows to tell right from wrong. He is perfectly capable of
anticipating the results of his actions and their influence on his human environment.
The Narcissist is very perceptive and sensitive to the subtlest nuances. He has to
be: the very integrity of his personality depends upon human input from the
outside. 

But the Narcissist does not care. Unable to empathize, he does not fully experience
the outcomes of his deeds and decision. For him, humans are dispensable,
rechargeable, reusable. They are there to fulfil a function: to supply him with
Narcissistic supply (adoration, admiration, approval, affirmation, etc.) They do not
have an existence apart from the carrying out of their duty. 

True: it is the disposition of the Narcissist to treat humans in the inhuman way that
he does. However, this propensity is absolutely controllable. The Narcissist has a
choice - he just doesn't think anyone is worth making it. 

It is a fact that the Narcissist can behave completely differently (under identical
circumstances) - depending who is involved. He will not be enraged by the
behaviour of an important person (=with a potential to supply him Narcissistically).
But, he will become absolutely violent with his nearest and dearest under the same
circumstances. This is because they are captives, they do not have to be won over,
the Narcissistic supply coming from them side is taken for granted. 

Being a Narcissist does not exempt the patient from being a human being. 

A person suffering from NPD must be subjected to the same moral treatment and
judgement as the rest of us, less privileged ones, are. The courts do not recognize
NPD to be a mitigating circumstance - why should we? Receiving special treatment
will only exacerbate the condition by supporting the grandiose, fantastic image the
Narcissist has of his self. The Narcissist distinguishes good from evil - he just
doesn't care enough about others (because he has no conception of them, he cannot
empathize). 

By all means: be angry, be upset (for good and just reasons) - and don't hesitate to
communicate your displeasure. The Narcissist needs guidance (he is disoriented)
and this is one of the best ways of providing him with one. 

A case study:
  

Donovan is incapable of loving and, therefore, has never loved you (or, for that
matter, anyone else, himself included) in his entire life. His natural capacity to love
and to return love was all but eliminated by his horrid childhood. We practice loving
first and foremost through our parents. If they fail us, if they turn out to be
unpredictable, capricious, violent, unjust - this capacity is quenched forever. This is
what happened to Donovan: the ideal figures of his childhood proved to be much
less than ideal. Abuse is a very poor ground to breed healthy emotions in. 
  
Granted, Donovan - being the brilliant and manipulative chap that he is - knows
how to perfectly simulate and emulate LOVE. He acts lovingly - but this is a mere
act, nothing more substantial and it should not be confused with the real thing.
Where his heart should have been - hollowness prevails. Donovan displays love to
achieve goals: money, a warm house, food on the table, adoration (Narcissistic
Supply, as I call it). Once substitutes are available from other sources - the former
ones are abandoned callously, cold-heartedly, cruelly. 
 
You have been such a temporary stopover for Donovan, the equivalent of a full
board hotel (no chores, no requirements on his time). Not only was he able to
secure his material needs from you - he also found in you a perfect source of
Narcissistic Supply: adoring, submissive, non-critical, wide-eyed, approving,
admiring, the perfect Narcissistic fix. 
 
You describe a very disturbed young man with a clear NPD (and more - see in the
continuation). He values intelligence uber alles (above all), he uses "horrendous"
language to vent his aggression (the Narcissist resents his dependence on his
sources of supply). The Narcissist knows it all and better, is judgmental (with no
merit), hates all people (though he will call upon them if he needs something - he is
never above exploiting and manipulation). When not in need, he does not contact
his "friends", not even his "girlfriend". After all, emotions ("sensitivity") are a
dangerous weakness. 
 
In the pursuit of Narcissistic gratification, there is no place for hesitation or pause.
You put it succinctly: he will do nothing for others, nothing is important to him if it
is not for himself. As a result, he lets people down and refrains almost religiously
from keeping promises and obligations. 
 
The Narcissist is above such mundane things as obligations undertaken, they hurt
his feeling that he is above any law - social or other, and this threatens his
grandiosity. 
 
The Narcissist, being above reproach (who is qualified enough to judge him, to
teach him, to advise him?), inevitably reverts to blaming others for his misdeeds:
they should have warned/reminded/alerted him. For instance: they should have
woke him up if they desired his precious company). 
 
The Narcissist is above normal humans and their daily chores: he doesn't think that
he needs to attend classes (that others do. This is the unspoken continuation of this
sentence). Other people should do so because they are inferior (stupid). This is the
natural order of things - read Nietzsche. Most Narcissists are rather boring. 
 
To love a Narcissist is to love an idealization, not a real figure. Donovan is the most
basic, primitive type: the Somatic (or anal) Narcissist, whose disorder is centered
around his body, his skin, his hair, his dress, his food, his health. Some of these
preoccupations have attained a phobic aura ("freaky with germs") and that is a bad
sign. 
 
Hypochondriasis could be the next mental step. But Donovan is in great danger. He
should seek help immediately. His NPD - as is usually the case - has been and is
still being compounded by other, more serious disorders. He is led down a path of
no return. Donovan is constantly depressed. Maybe he has few major depressive
episodes but he is distinctly dysphoric (sad) and anhedonic (hates the world and
finds pleasure in nothing). He alternates between hypersomnia (sleeping too much)
and insomnia (not sleeping for two days). This is one of the surest signs of
depression. 
 
Narcissists suffer, by their nature, from undulating self worth and from
all-pervasive feelings of guilt and recrimination. They punish themselves: they dress
in ragged clothes contrary to their primary predilections and they direct their pent
up aggression at themselves. The result is popularly known as depression. 
 
Donovan also seems to suffer from a schizoid personality. These people prefer to
stay and work in their rooms, in solitary confinement, chained to their computers
and books - over any social encounter or diversion. They rarely possess sufficient
trust in others and the requisite emotional baggage to develop stable interpersonal
relationships. They are miserable failures at communicating and confine their
interactions to first degree relatives. They are 90% of their time alone, to use your
phrase. 
 
The total picture is more that of a young person suffering from a Borderline
Personality Disorder with strong Narcissistic and Schizoid hues. His reckless and
self- destructive spending and his eating irregularities point in this direction. So does
the inappropriate affect (for instance, smiling while pretending to shoot people).
Donovan is a menace above all to himself. 

Borderline patients entertain suicide thoughts (they have suicidal ideation) and tend
finally to act upon them. To a lesser extent, this violence could be directed
elsewhere and result in catastrophic consequences. At best, Donovan will continue
to make people around him miserable. 
 
Treatment - psychoanalysis and other psychodynamic therapies included - are not
very effective. My advice to you is to immediately stop engaging in "unconditional
love". Narcissists smell blood where others smell beautiful emotions. If - for
masochistic reasons, which are beyond me - you still wish to engage this young
person, my chief advice to you would be to condition your love. Sign a contract
with him: you want my adoration, admiration, approval, warmth, you want my
home and money available to you as an insurance policy? If you do - these are my
conditions. And if he says that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you
anymore - count your blessings and let go. Omar al-Khayyam, the famous Persian
poet once wrote that when you want to have the bird - free it from its cage.
  
  

Question: 
My husband is a Narcissist and constantly depressed. Is there any connection
between these two facts? 

Answer: 
Assuming that these are facts, there is no necessary connection between them. In
other words, there is no proven high correlation between suffering from NPD (or a
milder form of Narcissism) - and enduring bouts of depression. 

Depression is a form of aggression. Transformed, this aggression is directed at the
depressive rather than at his human environment. This regime of repressed and
mutated aggression is a characteristic of both Narcissism and Depression. The
person experiences "forbidden" thoughts and urges (sometimes to the point of an
obsession). Example: "dirty" words, curses, the remnants of magical thinking (if I
think or wish something it just might happen), denigrating and malicious thoughts
directed at authority figures (mostly at a parent) - all are prohibited by the
Superego. This is doubly true if the individual possesses a sadistic, capricious
superego (a result of the wrong kind of parenting). These thoughts and wishes do
not fully surface. The individual is only aware of them in passing and vaguely. But
they are sufficient to provoke intense guilt feelings and to set in motion a chain of
self-flagellation and self-punishment. 
  
Amplified by an abnormally strict and punitive superego - this could result in a
feeling of imminent threat. This feeling is what we call anxiety. It has no discernible
external reasons and, therefore, it is not (rational) fear. It is the echo of a battle
between a part of the personality, which viciously wishes to destroy the individual
through excessive punishment - and the instinct of self-preservation. 

I, for one, dispute the classic taxonomy, which regards anxieties as irrational
reactions to internal dynamics involving imaginary threats. To my mind, anxiety is
more rational than many fears. The powers unleashed by the superego are so
enormous, its intentions so fatal, the self-loathing and self-degradation that it brings
with it so intense - that the threat is real. Overly strict superegos are usually coupled
with weakness in all other personality structures. Thus, there is no structure able to
fight back, to take the side of the depressed person. Small wonder that depressives
have constant suicidal ideation (=they toy with ideas of self mutilation and suicide
or worse, commit these acts). Confronted with a horrible internal enemy, lacking in
defense, falling apart at the seams, dilapidated by previous attacks, devoid of the
energy of life - the depressed wishes himself dead. Anxiety is about survival, the
alternatives being, usually, self-torture or self-annihilation. 

Depression is how these people experience their reservoirs of aggression, a volcano,
which is about to explode and bury them under their own ashes. Anxiety is how
they experience the war raging inside them. Sadness is the name that they give to
the resulting wariness, to the knowledge that the battle is lost and personal doom is
at hand. Depression is the acknowledgement by the individual that something is so
fundamentally wrong and dangerous in him - that there is no way to gain the upper
hand. The individual becomes depressed only when he becomes a fatalist. As long
as he believes in a chance - however meager - to better his position, he will move in
and out of depressive episodes. True, anxiety disorders and depression (mood
disorders) do not belong in the same category. But they very often go together. In
many cases, the patient tries to exorcise his internal demons by adopting ever more
bizarre rituals. These are the compulsions, which - by diverting energy and
attention away from the "bad" content in more or less symbolic (though totally
arbitrary) ways - bring temporary comfort and an easing of the anxiety. It is very
common to meet all four: a mood disorder, an anxiety disorder, an
obsessive-compulsive disorder and a personality disorder in one patient. 

Depression is the most varied of all psychological disturbances. It wears a myriad
of guises and disguises. Many people are chronically depressed without even
knowing it and without corresponding cognitive or affective contents. Some
depressions are part of a cycle of ups and downs (bipolar disorder and a milder
form, the cyclothymic disorder). Other depressions are "built into" the characters
and the personalities of the patients (the dysthymic disorder or what used to be
known as depressive neurosis). One type of depression is even seasonal and can be
cured by phototherapy (gradual exposure to carefully timed artificial lighting). We
all experience "adjustment disorders with depressed mood" (used to be called
reactive depression - which occurs after a stressful life event and as a direct and
time-limited reaction to it). 

But all these poisoned garden varieties are all-pervasive. Not a single aspect of the
human condition escapes them, not one element of human behaviour avoids their
grip. When this grip tightens we have melancholia - otherwise, we suffer from a
mere depression. It is not wise (has no predictive or explanatory value) to
differentiate "good" or "normal" depressions from "pathological" ones. There are no
"good" depressions. Moreover, whether provoked by a sorry event or
endogenously (from the inside), whether during childhood or when old - it is all the
same. A depression is a depression is a depression no matter what its precipitating
causes are or in which stage it appears. 

The only valid distinction seems to be phenomenological: some depressives slow
down (psychomotor retardation), their appetite, sex life (libido) and sleep (known
together as the vegetative functions) are prominently perturbed. Patterns change or
are eliminated altogether. These patients feel dead: they are anhedonic (find
pleasure or excitement in nothing) and dysphoric (sad). The other type of
depressive is psychomotorically active (at times, overactive). These are the patients
that I described above: they report overwhelming guilt feelings, anxiety, even to the
point of having delusions (delusional thinking, not grounded in reality but in a
thwarted logic of an outlandish world). The most severe cases (severity is also
manifest physiologically, in the worsening of the above-mentioned symptoms)
exhibit paranoia (delusions of systematic conspiracies to persecute them), seriously
entertain ideas of self- destruction and the destruction of others (nihilistic
delusions). They hallucinate. Their hallucinations let out the hidden contents: self
deprecation, the need to be (self) punished, humiliation, "bad" or "cruel" or
"permissive" thoughts about authority figures. Depressives are almost never
psychotic (psychotic depression does not belong to this family, in my view -
though, this by no means is everyone's view). The misleading thing is that
depression does not entail a change in the mood. "Masked depression" is, therefore,
difficult to diagnose (if we stick to the worn out definition of a "mood" disorder). 

Depression is very much like life itself - difficult to define, though easily
recognizable. It can happen at any age, to anyone, with or without an anteceding
stressful event. It can set on gradually or erupt dramatically. The earlier it occurs -
the more likely it is to recur. This apparently arbitrary and shifting nature of
depression only enhances the guilt attribution feelings of the patient. He refuses to
accept that the source of his problems is beyond his control (at least as much as his
aggression is) and could be biological, for instance. The depressive patient will
always blame himself (or events in his immediate environment). 

This is a vicious and self-fulfilling prophetic cycle. The depressive feels worthless,
doubts his future and his abilities, guilty. This turns off his dearest and nearest. His
interpersonal relationships become distorted, disrupted. This, in turn, exacerbates
depression. The patient will finally find it more convenient and rewarding to avoid
human contact altogether. He will resign (or have himself laid off), he will shy way,
he will cease all sexual activities, he will alienate his few remaining friends and
family members. Hostility, avoidance, histrionics will emerge and the existence of
personality disorders will only make matters worse. 

Freud said that the depressive lost a love object (was deprived of a properly
functioning parent). The psychic trauma suffered is curable only by inflicting
self-punishment (thus implicitly "punishing" and devaluing the internalized version
of the disappointing love object). The development of the ego is conditioned upon
the successful resolution of the loss of the love objects (that all of us have to go
through). When the love object fails - the child is furious, revengeful, aggressive.
Unable to direct these negative emotions at the deserving parent - the child resorts
to directing them at himself. Narcissistic identification means that the child prefers
to love himself (direct libido at himself) than to love an unpredictable, abandoning
parent (mother, in most cases). Thus, the child becomes his own parent - and the
direction of aggression at himself (=to the parent that he is) is emotionally
supported. Throughout this wrenching process, the Ego feels helpless and this is
another major source of depression. 

When depressed, the patient becomes a painter. He tars his life, people around him,
his experiences, places, memories with a thick layer of schmaltzy, sentimental
sadness and longing. The depressive will imbue everything with sadness: a tune, a
sight, a color, a human being, a situation, a memory. In this sense, the depressive is
cognitively distorted. He interprets his experiences, evaluates his self and assesses
the future totally negatively. He behaves as though constantly disenchanted,
disillusioned, hurting (dysphoric affect) and this helps to sustain the distorted
perceptions. No success or support can break this cycle because it is so complete
and self-enhancing. Dysphoric affect supports distorted perceptions, which enhance
dysphoria, which encourages self-defeating behaviours, which bring about failure
which justifies depression. This is a cozy little circle, charmed and protective
because it is predictable, never failing and available - the properties of the missing
parent. Depression is addictive because it is a strong love substitute. Much like
drugs, it has its own rituals, language and worldview. It imposes schedules and
behavior patterns on the depressive. This is learned helplessness - the depressive
prefers to avoid situations even if they hold the promise of improvement. He has
been conditioned by repeated aversive stimuli to freeze - he does not even have the
energy needed in order to escape from a cruel world. The depressive is devoid of
the positive reinforcements, which are the building blocks of our self-esteem. He is
filled with negative thinking about his self, his (lack of) goals, his (lack of)
achievements, his emptiness and loneliness and so on. And because his cognition
and perceptions are deformed - no cognitive or rational input can alter the situation.
It will immediately be reinterpreted to fit the paradigm. 


Question: 
Are there any compulsive acts typical only to a Narcissist? 

Answer: 
The short and the long of it is: no. In general, there is a strong compulsive strand in
the Narcissist's behaviour. He is driven to exorcise internal demons by means of
ritualistic acts. His very pursuit of Narcissistic supply is compulsive. The Narcissist
seeks to recreate and replay old traumas, ancient, unresolved conflicts with figures
of (primary) import in his life. He feels guilty and that he should be punished. He
makes sure that he is. These all possess the tint and hue of compulsion. In many
respects, Narcissism can be defined as an obsessive-compulsive disorder gone
berserk. Like the magician's apprentice, it did not know where and when to stop
and it took over the whole edifice. The Narcissist's original personality was
consumed by it. 

The Narcissist is faced with difficult conditions in his childhood: neglect,
abandonment, capriciousness, arbitrariness, strictness, sadistic behaviour, abuse
(physical, psychological, or verbal). He develops a unique defense mechanism: a
story, a narrative, another self. This False Self is possessed of all the qualities that
can insulate the child from his predicament. It is close to perfect: it is omnipotent,
omniscient, omnipresent. In short: it is divine. A religion follows: rites, mantras,
scriptures, spiritual and physical exercises. The child worships this new deity. He
succumbs to what he perceives to be its wishes and its needs. He makes sacrifices
of Narcissistic supply to it. He is awed by it because it possesses many of the traits
of the hallowed tormentors, the parents. The child reduces his True Self, minimizes
it. He is looking to appease the new God - not to incur its wrath. He does so by
adhering to strict schedules, ceremonies, by reciting texts, by self-imposition of self-
discipline. Hitherto, the child is transformed into the servant of his false self. Daily,
he will cater to its needs and offer to it a bowl of Narcissistic supply. And he is
rewarded for his efforts: he feels elated when in compliance, he emulates the
characteristics of this entity. Suffused with Narcissistic supply, his False Self
content, the child feels omnipotent, untouchable, invulnerable, immune to threats
and insults and omniscient. On the other hand, when the Narcissistic supply is
lacking - the child feels guilty, miserable, unworthy. The superego takes over:
sadistic, ominous, cruel, suicidal - it chastises the child for having failed, for having
sinned, for being guilty. It demands a self-inflicted punishment to cleanse, to atone,
to let go. Caught between these two deities - the child is compulsively forced to
seek Narcissistic supply. A success in this pursuit holds both the promises of
emotional reward and of protection from the murderous superego. 

Throughout all this, the child maintains the rhythms of regenerating his conflicts
and traumas in order to try and resolve them. Such resolution can be either in the
form of punishment or in the form of healing. But since healing means letting go of
his system of beliefs and deities - the child is more likely to elect the former
method of resolution. He will act so as to re-live old traumas. For instance, he will
behave in ways that will make people abandon him. Or he will be rebellious in
order to be punished by figures of authority. Or he will defy social edicts or even
engage in criminal activities. This underlying axis of behaviour is permanent and
interacts with the False Self. 

But both are compulsive. The False Self breeds compulsive acts. The Narcissist
looks for his Narcissistic supply compulsively. He is seeking to be punished
compulsively. He generates resentment or hatred, switches sexual partners,
becomes eccentric, he writes articles and makes scientific discoveries - all
compulsively. There is no joy in his life or in his actions. Just the feeling of
momentary liberation and engulfing protection that he enjoys following a
compulsive act. Pressure builds inside, threatening the precarious balance of his
personality. It is as though he is warned, as though a danger is imminent. He reacts
by developing an acute anxiety, which can be alleviated only by a compulsive act.
If this act fails to materialize, the emotional result could be anything from absolute
terror to deep-set depression. The Narcissist knows that his very life is at risk, that
in his superego lurks a mortal enemy. He knows that only the False Self can stand
up to it (the True Self is small, frozen in time, immature and dilapidated). The
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder writ large. 

Narcissists engage in all manner of compulsive actions: bingeing, shopping,
gambling, risking their lives, drinking, washing hands. But what sets them apart
from other compulsives is twofold: 

a. The compulsive acts constitute part of a larger "grandiose" picture. If a Narcissist
shops - it is in order to build up a unique collection. If he gambles - it is to prove
right a method that he has developed or to demonstrate his amazing mental or
psychic powers. If he climbs mountains or races cars - it is to establish new records
and if he binges - it is part of constructing a universal diet or bodybuilding and so
on. The Narcissist can never engage in simple, straightforward activities - these are
too mundane, not sufficiently grandiose. A contextual narrative has to be invented
in order to lend outstanding dignity and purpose to the most common acts,
including the compulsive ones. Where the regular compulsive patient feels that the
compulsive act restores his control over himself and over his life - the Narcissist
feels that the compulsive act restores his control over his environment and secures
his future Narcissistic supply. 

b. The compulsive acts enhance the reward - penalty cycle. At their inception and
for as long as they are committed - they reward the Narcissist emotionally in the
ways described above. But they also supply him with fresh ammunition against
himself. Sinning by indulging himself will lead the Narcissist down the path of
self-inflicted punishment. 

Finally, "normal" compulsions can be effectively treated with behaviorist
therapeutic methods. The therapist can de-condition the patient and reinforce his
disengagement from his constricting rituals. This will fail with the Narcissist. His
compulsive acts are part of the much larger, much more complicated picture of his
personality. They are the sick tips of very abnormal icebergs. Shaving them off will
do nothing to ameliorate the Narcissist's titanic inner struggle. 


  
Question: 
Are Narcissists mostly hyperactive or hypoactive sexually and to what extent are
they likely to be infidel in marriage? 

Answer: 
Broadly speaking, there are two types of Narcissists loosely corresponding to the
two categories mentioned in the question. Sex for the Narcissist is an instrument
designed to increase the number of sources of Narcissistic supply. If it happens to
be the most efficient weapon in the Narcissist's arsenal - he will make profligate
use of it. In other words: if the Narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration,
approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g.,
intellectually) - he will resort to sex. He will then become a satyr (or a
nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engage in sex with multiple partners. His sex
partners will be considered by him to be objects not of desire - but of Narcissistic
supply. It is through the processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that
the Narcissist will derive his badly needed Narcissistic "fix". The Narcissist is likely
to perfect his techniques of courting and regard his sexual exploits as a form of art.
He is very likely to expose this side of him - in great detail - to others, to an
audience, expecting to win their approval and admiration as well. Because the
Narcissistic supply in his case resides in the element of conquest and (what he
perceives to be) subordination - the Narcissist is forced to move on and to switch
and bewitch partners very often. The first sexual encounter with a partner always
includes these elements - not so the second or third encounters. 

Some Narcissists will prefer "complicated" situations. If men - they will prefer
virgins, married women, avowed maidens, etc. The More "difficult" the target - the
more rewarding the Narcissistic outcome. Such a Narcissist can be married, but he
will not regard his extra-marital affairs as either immoral or a breach of any explicit
or implicit contract between him and his spouse. He will keep explaining to anyone
who is willing to listen that his other sexual partners are nothing to him,
meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them and that they do not
constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind a
clear separation exists between the honest "woman of his life" (really, a saint) and
the whores that he is having sex with. He would tend to cast the whole feminine
sub-species in a bad light (with the exception of the meaningful women in his life).
His behaviour will, thus, have achieved a dual purpose: the securing of Narcissistic
supply, on the one hand - and bringing about a replay of old, unresolved conflicts
and traumas (abandonment and the Oedipal conflict, to mention but two). When
inevitably abandoned by his spouse --the Narcissist is veritably shocked and hurt.
This is the sort of crisis, which might drive him to engage in psychotherapy. Still,
deep inside, he feels compelled to continue to pursue precisely the same path. His
abandonment is cathartic, purifying. Following a period of deep depression and
suicidal ideation - the Narcissist is likely to feel cleansed, invigorated, unshackled,
ready for the next round of hunting. 

But there is another type of Narcissist. He also has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in
which he trades sexual partners and tends to regard them as objects. However, with
him, this is a secondary behaviour. It will appear mainly after major Narcissistic
traumas and crises. A painful divorce, a major personal financial upheaval - and
this type of Narcissist adopts the view that the "old solutions" do not work
anymore. He frantically gropes and searches for new ways to attract attention, to
restore his false ego (=his grandiosity) and to secure the subsistence level of
Narcissistic supply. Sex is handy and is a great source of the right kind of supply:
immediate, interchangeable, comprehensive (it encompasses all the aspects of the
Narcissist's being), natural, highly charged, adventurous, pleasurable. Thus,
following a life crisis, we are likely to witness the Narcissist deeply involved in
sexual activities - very frequently and almost to the exclusion of other matters. 

However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the Narcissistic wounds heal, as the
Narcissistic cycle re-commences and the balance is restored - the second type of
Narcissist reveals his true colors. He abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his
sexual partners. The frequency of his sexual activities deteriorates from a few times
a day - to a few times a year. He prefers intellectual pursuits, sports, politics,
volunteering - anything but sex. This kind of Narcissist is afraid of encounters with
the opposite gender and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or
commitment that he fancies himself able to develop following a sexual encounter.
In general, such a Narcissist will withdraw not only sexually - but also emotionally.
If married - he will lose all overt interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise. He will
confine himself to his world and make sure that he is busy enough not to have time
for anything else, especially not for his nearest (and supposedly dearest). He will
become completely immersed in "big projects", lifelong plans, a vision, or a cause -
all very rewarding Narcissistically and all very demanding. He will regard sex as an
obligation, a necessity, or a maintenance operation needed in order to preserve the
comfortable human cell that he has constructed for himself. He will not enjoy sex
and by far prefer to engage in the auto-erotic variety - to masturbate - or in object
sex, like going to prostitutes. Actually, he will regard his mate or spouse as an
"alibi", a shield against the attention of other women, an insurance policy which will
preserve his virile image while making it socially and morally commendable for him
to avoid any intimate or sexual contact with other women. While ignoring women
around him (a form of aggression) he will feel righteous in saying: "I am loyal to my
wife". At the same time, he will feel hostile towards her for ostensibly preventing
him from freely expressing himself sexually with others, for isolating him from
carnal pleasures. The thwarted logic goes like this: "I am married/attached to this
woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in any kind of touch with other women,
which might be interpreted as more than casual or businesslike. This is why I
refrain from having anything to do with women - because I am loyal, as opposed to
most other immoral men. However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free
peers. They can engage in sex and romance as much as they want to - while I am
confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I am angry at
her and I will punish her by abstaining from having sex with her". He will minimize
all types of intercourse with his close social circle (spouse, children, parents,
brothers and sisters, very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He will
limit himself to the rawest exchanges of information and isolate himself socially.
This way he insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads.
But, again, this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old,
unresolved, conflicts. Finally, he will really be left alone, with no secondary sources
of supply. In his search for them, he will again embark on ego-mending bouts of
sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a secondary Narcissistic
supply source). Then the cycle will commence: a sharp drop in sexual activity,
emotional remoteness and cruel detachment leading to abandonment. 
The second type of Narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse. He alternates
between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and a-sexuality (really, forcefully
repressed sexuality). In the latter phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most
basic. He is, therefore, not compelled to "cheat" upon his mate, betray her, or
violate the sacred contract. He is much more interested in making sure that the next
day will not witness a worrisome dwindling of the Narcissistic supply that really
matters. Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better. 

I am often asked whether Narcissists are some variant of exhibitionists. Somatic
Narcissists (see FAQs 60 & 61) will tend to verbal exhibitionism. They will tend to
brag in graphic details about their conquests and exploits. In extreme cases, they
might introduce "live witnesses" and revert to total, classical exhibitionism. This sits
well with their tendency to "objectify" their sexual partners, to engage in
emotionally-neutral sex (group sex, for instance) and to indulge in auto-erotic sex.
The exhibitionist sees himself reflected in the eyes of the beholders. This
constitutes the main sexual stimulus, this is what turns him on. This outside "look"
is also what defines the Narcissist. There is bound to be a connection. One might
be the culmination, the "pure case" of the other. 

Question: 
Do Narcissists have emotions? 

Answer: 
Of course they do. All humans have emotions. It is how we choose to relate to our
emotions that matters. The Narcissists tend to repress them so deeply that, for all
practical purposes, they play no conscious role in their lives and conduct, though
they play an extraordinarily large unconscious role in determining them. 

The Narcissist's positive emotions come bundled with very negative ones. This is
the outcome of frustration and the consequent transformations of aggression. The
frustration is connected to the primary objects of the Narcissist's childhood. Instead
of being provided with the love that he craved, the Narcissist was subjected to
totally unpredictable and inexplicable bouts of temper, rage, searing sentimentality,
envy, prodding, infusion of guilt and other unhealthy behaviour patterns. He
reacted by retreating to his private world, where he was omnipotent and omniscient
and, therefore, immune to such vicious vicissitudes. He stashed his vulnerable True
Self in a deep mental cellar - and outwardly he presented to the world his False
Self. For a more detailed analysis, please refer to my book : "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited". 

But bundling is far easier than unbundling. The Narcissist is hence unable to evoke
his positive feelings without provoking his negative ones. Gradually, he becomes
phobic: afraid to feel anything, lest it be accompanied by the fearsome, guilt
inducing, anxiety provoking, out of control emotional complements. He is thus
reduced to experiencing dull stirrings, dim movements in his soul, that he identifies
to himself and to the outside world as emotions. Even these are felt only in the
presence of a subject capable of providing the Narcissist with his badly needed
Narcissistic supply. Only when the Narcissist is in the overvaluation phase of his
relationships, does he go through these convulsions and convolutions that he calls
"feelings". These are so transient and fake in nature that they are easily replaced by
rage, envy and devaluation. The Narcissist really recreates the behaviour patterns
of his less than ideal primary objects. 

The Narcissist knows that something is amiss. He does not empathize with other
people's feelings. Actually, he holds them in contempt and ridicule. He cannot
understand how people are so sentimental, so "irrational" (he identifies being
rational with being cool headed and the latter with being cold blooded). Many times
he finds himself believing that their behaviour is fake, intended to achieve a goal,
grounded in ulterior, non-emotional, motives. He suspects, he is paranoid,
embarrassed, feels compelled to run away, or, worse, experiences surges of almost
uncontrollable aggression in the presence of genuinely expressed emotions. They
remind him how imperfect and poorly equipped he is. They threaten him. Constant
nagging by a spouse, colleagues, professors, by employers - only exacerbates the
situation. 

The weaker variety tries to emulate and simulate "emotions" - at least their
expression, the external facet. They mimic and replicate the intricate pantomime
that they learn to associate with the existence of feelings. But there are no real
emotions there, no emotional correlate. This is empty affect, devoid of emotion.
Being so, the Narcissist fast tires of it, he becomes impassive and begins to produce
the inappropriate affect (remain indifferent when grief is the normal reaction, for
instance). The Narcissist subjects his feigned emotions to his cognition. He
"decides" that it is appropriate to feel so and so. "Emotions" are invariably the result
of analysis, goal setting and planning. He substitutes "remembering" for "sensing".
He relegates his sensations (bodily), feelings and emotions to a kind of a memory
vault. The short and medium-term memory is exclusively used to store his reactions
to his (actual and potential) Narcissistic supply sources. He reacts only to such
sources. The Narcissist finds it hard to remember what he felt (even a short while
ago) towards a Narcissistic supply source once it has ceased to be one. It is difficult
for him to recreate the emotions, which were ostensibly involved. In his efforts to
emotionally recall - he encounters a void, draws a mental blank. 

It is not that Narcissists are incapable of expressing what we would tend to classify
as "extreme emotional reactions". They mourn and grieve, rage and smile,
excessively "love" and "care". But this is precisely what sets them apart: this rapid
movement from one emotional extremity to another and the fact that they never
observed occupying the emotional middle ground. Mostly, these expressions will be
related to being weaned from the Narcissistic drug. Breaking a habit is always
difficult - especially one that defines (and generates) one's being. Getting rid of
dependence is doubly taxing. The Narcissist identifies these crises with emotional
depth and his self-conviction is so immense, that he mostly succeeds to elude his
environment, as well. But a Narcissistic crisis (losing a source of Narcissistic
supply, obtaining an alternative one, moving from one Narcissistic Pathological
Space to another) - must never be confused with the real thing, which the
Narcissist has never experienced first hand: emotions. 
  


Question: 
You describe the Narcissist as a cunning, immoral extortionist. How does the
Narcissist affect his human environment? 

Answer: 
Sooner, or later, everyone around the Narcissist is bound to become his victim.
People are sucked - voluntarily or involuntarily - into the turbulence that
constitutes his life, into the black hole that is his personality, into the whirlwind,
which makes up his interpersonal relationships. Different people are hurt by
different aspects of the Narcissist's life and psychological make-up. Some trust him
and rely on him, only to be bitterly disappointed. Others love him and discover that
he cannot reciprocate. Yet others are forced to live vicariously, through his life. 

There are three major categories of victims: 

a. Victims of the Narcissist's instability - The Narcissist leads an unpredictable,
vicissitudinal, precarious, often dangerous life. His ground is shifting: geographically
as well as mentally. He changes addresses, workplaces, vocations, avocations,
interests, friends and enemies with a bewildering speed. He baits authority and
challenges it. He is, therefore, prone to conflict and to clash with it: to be a criminal,
a rebel, a dissident, or a critic. He gets bored easily, ever trapped in cycles of
idealization and devaluation of people, places, hobbies, jobs, values. He is
mercurial, unstable, and unreliable. His family suffers: his spouse and children have
to wander with him in his private desert, endure the Via Dolorosa that he
incessantly walks. They live in constant fear and trepidation: what next?, where
next?, who next?. To a lesser extent, this is the case with his friends, bosses,
colleagues, or with his country. These biographical vacillations and mental
oscillations deny the people around him their autonomy, their unperturbed
development and self-fulfillment, their path to self-recognition and contentment. To
the Narcissist, other humans are mere instruments, sources of Narcissistic supply.
He sees no reason in dedicating thought to their needs, wishes, wants, desires and
fears. He derails their life with ease and benevolent ignorance. Deep inside he
knows that he is wrong to do so because they might retaliate - hence, his paranoid
fears. 

b. Victims of the Narcissist's misleading signals - mostly his deceitful emotional
messages. The Narcissist mimics real emotions artfully. He exudes the air of
someone really capable of loving or of being hurt, of one passionate and soft,
empathic and caring. Most people are misled into believing that he is even more
human than is common. They fall in love with the mirage, the fleeting image, with
the fata morgana of a lush emotional oasis in the midst of their emotional desert.
They succumb to the luring proposition. They give in, give up, and give everything
only to be discarded ruthlessly when judged by the Narcissist to be no longer
useful. Riding high on the crest of the Narcissist's over-valuation only to crash into
the abysmal depths of his devaluation, they lose control over their emotional life.
The Narcissist drains them, exhausts their personality resources, sucks the
blood-life of Narcissistic supply from their dwindling, depleted selves. This
emotional roller coaster is so harrowing that the experience borders on the truly
traumatic. To remove doubt: this behaviour pattern is not confined to matters of the
heart. The Narcissist's employer, for instance, is misled by his apparent
seriousness, industriousness, ambition, willing to sacrifice, honesty, thoroughness
and a host of other utterly fake qualities. They are fake because they are directed at
securing Narcissistic supply rather than at doing a good job. His clients and
suppliers may suffer from the same illusion. And his false emanations are not
restricted to messages of emotional content. They well contain wrong or false or
partial information. The Narcissist does not hesitate to lie, deceive, or "expose"
(misleading) half-truths. He appears to be so intelligent, so charming and, therefore,
so reliable - that he tends to star among the ranks of the crooks, con (=short for
confidence)-men and villains. He is a convincing conjurer of words, signs,
behaviours, and body language. 

c. The above two classes of victims are characterized by the casualness with which
the Narcissist exploits and then discards them. No more malice is involved in this
than in any other interaction with an instrument. No more premeditation and
contemplation than in breathing. These are victims of Narcissistic reflexes. Perhaps
this is what makes it all so repulsively horrific: the "by the way" and "a propos"
nature of the damage inflicted. Not so the third category. In here are to be found all
the victims upon which the Narcissist designs, maliciously and intentionally, to
shower his wrath and bad intentions. The Narcissist is both sadistic and
masochistic. In hurting others he always seeks to hurt himself. In punishing them he
wants to be penalized. Their pains are his. Thus, he will attack figures of authority
and societal institutions with vicious, uncontrolled, almost insane rage - only to
accept his due punishment (their reaction to his venomous diatribes) with incredible
complacency, or even relief. He will engage in vitriolic humiliation of his kin and
folk, of regime and government, of his firm or of the law - then to suffer
pleasurably in the role of the outcast, the ex-communicated, the exiled, and the
imprisoned. Still, that the Narcissist is (sometimes) punished does not lessen the
victimization of his randomly (rather incomprehensibly) selected targets. The
Narcissist forces individuals and groups of people around him to pay a heavy toll,
materially, in reputation, emotionally. He is ruinous, disruptive, purposefully
diversionary, a bedeviled curse. In behaving so, the Narcissist seeks not only to be
punished, but also to disengage emotionally (Emotional Involvement Preventive
Mechanisms, EIPMs - see: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited").
Threatened by intimacy and by the predatory coziness of routine and mediocrity -
the Narcissist lashes back at what he perceives to be the sources of this dual threat.
He attacks those he thinks take him for granted, or those who fail to recognize his
grandiosity. And they, alas, include just about everyone he knows. 


Question: 
You mention three different types of victims of the narcissist. What things would
cause a narcissist to victimize a significant other sadistically versus just discarding
them when no longer useful? 

Answer: 
The Narcissist simply discards people when he becomes convinced that they can no
longer provide him with Narcissistic supply. This is an evaluation, subjective and
highly emotionally charged. It does not have to be grounded in reality. Suddenly -
because of boredom, disagreement, disillusion, a fight, an act, inaction, or a mood -
the Narcissist wildly swings from idealization to devaluation. He then "disconnects"
immediately. He needs all the energy that he can muster to obtain new sources of
Narcissistic supply and would rather not spend these scarce and expensive
resources over what he regards as human refuse, the waste left over after the
process of extraction of Narcissistic supply. 

A Narcissist would tend to display the sadistic aspect of his personality in one of
two cases: 

a. That the very acts of sadism would generate Narcissistic supply to be consumed
by the Narcissist ("I inflict pain, therefore I am superior") or 

b. That the victims of his sadism are still his only or major sources of Narcissistic
supply but are perceived by him to be intentionally frustrating and withholding it.
Sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring
and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance
and special entitlement. 

The Narcissist is not a sadist or a paranoiac, per se. He does not enjoy the
application of pain to his victims. He does not believe firmly that he is the focal
point of persecution and the target of conspiracy. But he does enjoy punishing
himself - it provides him with a sense of relief, exoneration and validation. In this
restricted sense he is a masochist. Because of his lack of empathy and his rigid
personality he often inflicts great (physical or mental) pain on meaningful others in
his life - and he enjoys their writhing and suffering. In this restricted sense he is a
sadist. To support his sense of uniqueness, greatness and (cosmic) significance, he
often fears the environment in a manner incommensurate with the facts. If fallen
from grace - he would attribute it to dark forces in collusion to destroy him. If his
sense of entitlement is not satisfied - he would attribute it to the fear that he
invokes in others and to their intentional ignoring of his grandness. In these
restricted ways, he is a paranoid. 

The Narcissist is an artist of pain as much as any sadist. The difference is in the
motives behind the employment of their despicable skills. The Narcissist tortures
and abuses as a means to punish and to reassert superiority and grandiosity. The
sadist does so for pure (usually, sexual) enjoyment. But both are adept at finding
the cracks in the armors of people in their proximity. Both are venal, venomous and
pernicious in their pursuit of their predilection. Both are ruthless, unable to
empathize with their victims, idealistic, self centered and strictly rigid. 

The Narcissist will abuse his victim verbally, mentally, or physically (often, in all
three ways). He will infiltrate her defenses, shatter her self-confidence, confuse and
confound her, demean and debase her to the point of elimination. He will invade
her territory, abuse her confidence, exhaust her resources, hurt her loved ones,
threaten her stability and security, involve her in his paranoid states of mind,
frighten her out of her wits, withhold love and sex from her, prevent satisfaction
and cause frustration, humiliate and insult her privately and in public, point out her
shortcomings, criticize her profusely and in a "scientific and objective" manner -
and this is a partial list. Very often, the Narcissist will act sadistically in the guise of
an enlightened interest in the welfare of his victim. He will play the psychiatrist to
her psychopathology (totally dreamt up by him). He will act the guru to her need of
guidance, the avuncular or father figure, the teacher, the only true friend, the old
and the experienced. All this in order to weaken her defenses and to lay siege to her
breaking down nerves. So subtle and poisonous is the Narcissistic variant of sadism
that it might well be regarded as the most dangerous of all. 

Luckily, the Narcissist's attention span is short and his resources and energy
limited. In constant, effort consuming and attention diverting pursuit of Narcissistic
supply, the Narcissist lets his victim go, usually before an irreversible damage
occurs. The victim is then free to rebuild her life from ruins. Not an easy
undertaking, this - but far better than the total obliteration which awaits the victims
of the "true" sadist. 

 
Question: 
Can two Narcissists establish a long term, stable relationship? 

Answer: 
There is no clear answer to this. It depends on numerous factors. If forced to
generalize, I would say that two Narcissists OF THE SAME TYPE cannot
maintain a stable, long term FULL FLEDGED relationship. To remind you, I
distinguish two types of Narcissists: the Somatic Narcissist and the Cerebral
Narcissist. The Somatic type relies on his body and sexuality as sources of
Narcissistic supply. The Cerebral Narcissist uses his intellect, his intelligence and his
professional achievements to obtain the same. 

Thus, if both members of the couple are cerebral Narcissists, for instance if both of
them are scholars - the ensuing competition will prevent them from serving as
ample sources of Narcissistic supply to each other. Finally the mutual admiration
society will crumble. Occupied by the pursuit of their own Narcissistic gratification
- they will have no time or energy or will left to cater to the Narcissistic needs of
the partner. Moreover, the partner will be perceived as a dangerous and vicious
consumer of a scarce resource: the available sources of Narcissistic supply. 

But if the Narcissists involved are OF DIFFERENT TYPES - a long-term
partnership based on the provision of Narcissistic supply can definitely survive. 

Example: if one of the Narcissists is somatic (uses his/her body as a source of
Narcissistic gratification) and the other cerebral (uses his intellect or his professional
achievements as such a source) - there is nothing to destabilize such collaboration.
It will even be emotionally rewarding. The relationship between them will resemble
the one prevailing between an artist and his art, or a collector and his collection.
This can - and probably will - change, of course, as the Narcissists involved grow
older, flabbier and less agile intellectually. The somatic Narcissist might also be
prone to multiple sexual relationships and encounters intended to support his
somatic and sexual self-image. These may subject the relationship to unconquerable
strains. But, all in all, a stable and enduring relationship can - and often does -
develop between dissimilar Narcissists. 
  
 
  
Question: 
My husband has a liaison with another woman. He has been diagnosed as suffering
from a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What should I do? 

Answer: 
Narcissists are people who fail to maintain a stable sense of self worth. Very often,
though only where somatic Narcissists (Narcissistic who use their bodies and their
sexuality as sources of Narcissistic supply) are concerned, Narcissists tend to get
involved in extramarital affairs. The new "conquests" sustain the grandiose fantasies
and their distorted and unrealistic self-image. It is, therefore, nigh impossible to alter
this particular behaviour trait in a somatic Narcissist. Sexual interactions serve as a
constant, reliable, easy to obtain source of Narcissistic supply. It is the only source
of such supply if the Narcissist is not cerebral (=does not rely on his intellect,
intelligence, or professional achievements for Narcissistic supply). 

You should set up rigid, strict and VERY WELL DEFINED rules of engagement.
Ideally, all contacts between your spouse and his lover should be immediately and
irrevocably severed. But this is usually too much to ask for. So, you should define
when is she allowed to call, whether she is allowed to write to him at all and in
which circumstances, what are the subjects she is allowed to broach in her
correspondence and phone calls, when is he allowed to see her and what other
modes of interaction are permissible. CLEAR AND PAINFUL SANCTIONS must
be pre-defined in case the above rules are violated. Both rules and sanctions MUST
BE APPLIED RIGOROUSLY AND MERCILESSLY and MUST BE SET IN
WRITING IN UNEQUIVOCAL LANGUAGE. 

The problem, as I see it, is that The Narcissist never really separates from his
sources of Narcissistic supply until and unless they cease to be ones. They never
say a REAL good-bye. She is likely to still have an emotional hold on him. Even a
victim must collaborate in order to be victimized. Your husband must first have his
day of reckoning. Help him: tell him what will be the price that he will pay if he
does not obey the rules and sanctions as above. Tell him that you cannot live like
this any longer. That if he does not get rid of this presence - of the echoes of his
past, really - he will lose his present, he will lose you. Don't be afraid to lose him. If
he will prefer this woman over you - it is important for you to know. If he will
prefer you over her - your nightmare will end very swiftly. 

If you insist on staying on with him - you must also be prepared to serve as a
source of narcissistic supply, an alternative to the supply provided by his lost lover.
You must brace yourself: serving as a Narcissistic supply source is an onerous task,
a full time job and a very ungrateful one at that. The Narcissist's thirst for
adulation, admiration, worship, approval, and attention can never by quenched. It is
a Sisyphean, mind-numbing effort, which heralds only additional demands and
disgruntled, critical, humiliating tirades by the Narcissist. 

That you are afraid to confront reality is clear to me. You are afraid to set clear
alternatives. You are afraid that he will leave you. You are afraid that he will prefer
her to you. AND YOU MAY WELL BE RIGHT. But if this is the case and you go
on living with him and tormenting yourself - THIS IS PATHOLOGICAL. If you
have difficulties facing the fact that it is all over between you, that only an empty
shell is left, that your husband is with another woman - do not hesitate to seek
mental assistance from professionals and non-professionals alike. But do not let this
situation fester into psychological gangrene. Amputate now while you still can.