I.M.Survivor
By Tom Lichtenberg
Smashwords Edition Copyright 2010 by Tom Lichtenberg
Smashwords Edition: License Agreement: This ebook is made freely available without restrictions for your enjoyment. 

Survival is not a matter of luck; it is a skill. This skill isn't something anyone is born with. It must be learned, developed, tested, and perfected, through many trials and in many ways. Survival isn't simply a matter of surviving some particular event or circumstance; it is the ability to survive any and all events, no matter what they are, no matter what the odds. There aren't many men alive today who can claim the distinction of being a true survivor. Of this hardy few, perhaps there is only one who can truly say he is a master of the art. For this reason, it is a tremendous privilege to be able to present to you tonight, this very man. It is an honor for us to be able to learn first-hand of what it takes, of what one must go through, in order to reach this highest level of attainment.

I. M. Survivor is a man of dignity, of integrity, of courage and strength and rectitude and fortitude. I am sure that everyone will benefit from exposure to his person. I would like to thank, first of all, Lieutenant Liz of the Wetford Lodge, who first discovered our guest and brought him to our attention. Thanks are also due to Colonel Jocelyn Fronds, who made this evening's presentation possible. And so, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I. M. Survivor!

I always knew what I wanted out of life.  Even when I was a little boy. My father was a coward. My brother was a wimp. My mother was a foul-mouthed bitch and my sister was a whiny brat. I alone was different. I used to sit up in my room and wonder if I was ever going to get out of that stinky louse-trap called a home. I used to tell myself - boy, if you can survive this, you can survive anything at all. So even then the basic question had been asked, but I had to prove it. Maybe I've spent my whole life trying to do just that. I don't know. But I'll tell you something, get those people together on a Sunday when it's just too bad to go outside and there's nothing on TV, and you just won't believe just how bad life can get! I thought it was the worst thing possible, but I was wrong. That wasn't nothing compared to some of this stuff I went through later on. I'd just be there, minding my own business, when suddenly my mom would scream - clean up your room, you bum! I hated her guts. Or I'd hear my sister screeching, I didn't do it, Ricky did - like hell! I wasn't even near the thing, whatever it was. Then my dad would get out his book of Best-Loved English Poems and start to read aloud. My God, the things that went on in that place!

Many years later, when I thought I was strong enough, I went to this Cafe on Saddle Street in Wetford. There was a poetry reading scheduled for that night. It cost me a lousy buck to get inside, and then another buck to get some lousy dregs of instant coffee from the bottom of a filthy pot that was sitting on the burner for days. Anyway, I looked at the program, and there was a list of names so long it filled the page! Of course, it started late, but I knew it would. The first guy on was this pimply jerk with his hair down to his butt. He whispered into the microphone - Hi, my name is William C. Gull, Jr. and this is a poem called " Moondust". Phh. Now I'm really in for it, I thought, but I'd been training real hard and I knew I was prepared. And I don't give up. No matter how bad it gets. And it was bad. All I can remember now is something about the crystalline flakes of newborn fleshy muck, or something along those lines. I forget exactly what. It doesn't matter, anyway.

The poem went on for hours, and then the next went on for days. I was half asleep and I really had to pee, but I wouldn't let myself, even though I had my handy portable toilet with me, as usual. I was going to live through this experience no matter what, and the worst was yet to come. There was this girl who thought about bottles accidentally falling off a shelf and slicing her wrists to ribbons, yeah, I know, it happens all the time, okay? And then some stupid old fart who said it was much better to be old and sick than young and strong 'cause then you get to sit back in your chair and really see things as they are - if you can still use your eyes, that is. Hey, heck with that, you know? Life is for doin' stuff, that's what I say. So get out there and do it. Get out of the friggin' chair!

This went on and on, but towards about eleven I knew for sure that I was gonna make it 'cause there was only two guys left to go, and the first guy cut it short, saying it was getting late. So I settled back and smiled and remembered my old dad and thinking, if he could only see me now, sitting through this stuff. Hey, whenever he reached up for that book of English poems I'd run right out of that house and I wouldn't come back for hours. Not anymore. Now I'm Survivor, and I don't run away from anything, because there's nothing I cannot endure.

But this last guy must've been some kind of hero 'cause they all applauded when he got up, and then it got so quiet you could hear your second-hand ticking, very slowly. He must have been about ninety, and he had more wrinkles on his head than anything I ever saw before or since. And he had a really stupid voice - it just ruined the whole effect. He got up and started off, like this, I know what apricot surprise might be, never on a breeze, forgotten ships ashore, suddenly... the music, and the trees.

I tell you, it was the worst! And the worst of the worst was he went on like that for a friggin hour and a half. I didn't understand a word of what he said. And I had to pee so bad I almost pulled out the porty john and did it right there in my seat. But I survived! And as soon as he stepped down I shot right out of there, 'cause there ain't no point in hanging around the scene once you've made it through, and that's a fact.

But this is just the kind of thing that'll give you some idea of what you have to go through if you really want to be a true survivor. You can forget whatever they told you. A survivor has to be prepared for everything, not just the glamorous stuff, 'cause you never know just what might do you in. Danger lurks in every little thing. So a real survivor passes all the tests, no matter how big and no matter how small they might appear at first. Take it from me. I know. I've been there. And survival isn't something that just stops. You got to keep working at it all your life. I've devoted my life to it, and I've never been sorry, not even for a moment. Survival is the art of staying alive.

I'm a man, and there are things in life that a man's just gotta do, but you can't do any of them if you aren't prepared for the job. Being a man isn't just something that just happens when you hit a certain age. No way. I've seen men that weren't men not even when they're old and grey. And they never were. They've just been little boys forever, and it's one thing if you like to be a boy and know that's all you are. It's sick, but it is one thing. But being a man you gotta train for it just like an athlete trains to be a pro.

Some guys, the first thing they do to try and be a man is they go out and get piss drunk and throw up all over each other's pants. Not me. And I didn't run out and ram my thing into the first available vacancy neither. I knew that wasn't what it takes to be a man. I never learned a thing that life didn't have to teach me first. You go out in the world and you make things happen for a reason. You got a purpose in your mind, and that purpose is to make you stronger for anything that might just come along whenever you're least expecting it. And there's all sorts of things you gotta watch out for in this world, little things you might never pay attention to, not like on TV when it's always someone with a gun or someone in a speedy car or some asshole flipping out on PCP. All that is to be expected, see?

I mean, the world is full of stuff like that. It happens all the time. Guys come along and steal your car with your mother and the dog inside and then they want a hundred thousand bucks or else they'll kill the dog. They say don't call the cops or else we'll give it your mother's anklebone to gnaw on for a while. But you know how it goes. You get a private dick, he hops in his car, and chases them around for an hour and everything ends up okay and you survive. It's no big deal!

But what if you run out of gas somewhere, you're hungry, and it's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere Arizona like where I happen to live, and you have to walk about twenty miles just to get to this all night food joint where all they've got is chili dogs and apple pie. I mean, you only have a couple bucks and you have to get a can of gas but still you're pretty hungry so you have to have the chili dog, even though you know too well that it's been sitting there since the last time this happened to you which was twenty years ago and someplace far away, but it's still there and it's been waiting all this time for you to come along, so long it isn't even purple anymore, you don't know what it is. Even the red and silver foil's been subjected to erosion and it falls off when you pull it.

It's because of things like that that I went down to Bill's Cafe for lunch one day about a year or so ago. You wouldn't believe this joint. It's been there so long the menu's on papyrus - ha ha ha. But anyway, the prices are great, but I wouldn't counsel paying for anything there. I mean, what are you gonna get? The Patty Melt? The Ham and Grease on Wheels? The Spaghetti and Spotballs special? Everything they got is so disgusting it'd make you puke just to get a whiff of it. And it's like the tables are made of whatever it was they used before they had plastic.

No microwaves, no nothing! And the guy behind the counter snots on all the food unless he slobbers on it first. It ain't got no decorum, that’s what. But I went in, and I ordered up a bowl of Soup Du Year, and a frozen fresh lasagna with a coke and coffee chaser. And I sat down on the wobbly stool and nearly broke my friggin back! And I can tell you, I wasn't expecting that to happen and I thought I hurt my hip or something else like that. But I didn't cringe. I didn't even wince. I sat there and I waited and I waited while the slob did what he does and I watched him all the way, from the tongs for picking roaches out the soup, to the hammer on the box to get the plastic wrap unstuck.

And when I got this so-called food I ate it all, no matter what my colon had to say. And I am glad I did, 'cause even though I puked my guts out half an hour later, I had proved it to myself that I could live through even that experience. Life can be disgusting, but it's never no match for me. I am Survivor, and I will survive.

They say they closed that place down finally, and there was even a parade and a celebration put on by all the people who were glad to see it go, but I wasn't one of them. This world could use a lot more restaurants like that. None of this wimpy stuff where everything is perfect to the tee and you have a 'delightful evening' and other stuff like that. It's turning us into a nation of namby-pamby coddled wimps. And they cost ya, too. You put out a twenty-dollar bill just 'cause everything is nice and fine, as if that was the way things really are in life! They're not, and you can take it from me! I know.

I don't wanna bend no spoons on account of all of this, but I wanna make my point. If you wanna be a man, you gotta go out and strengthen yourself in every way conceivable, and then some. That's how I got to be Survivor, and it's the only way to go.

Sometimes in life there are some things that call for many different kinds of skills. Not just any one alone will do. And you got to figure that sooner or later you're gonna come across these things, especially when you're least expecting to, and so the only sensible thing to do is get ready in advance. And you never know just what it might be next, so you gotta practice all the skills that you can ever think of. And I'm not talking about some kind of judo course so you can kick guys in the nuts whenever you think you want to - and I don't mean you should learn a lot of fancy words so you can bluff your way out of stuff and things.

Some people practice hard at kinds of things like this, and still they're never ready when they most need to be, and that's because they've been wasting their time and energy on the wrong kinds of things to do. I mean, here they are preparing for some stupid thing like going to see a talk show and maybe the guy'll pick em out and ask em a question about whether we should let the fairies ruin our way of life and schools and stuff like that, so they can get up on the screen and say some fancy thing and then the folks at home'll screech and yip that's Ricky on TV, look how good he's doin. Phh...

That just isn't what is called for. It's not the various type of skills that a true survivor must develop to survive the real world. I mean, nobody's gonna worry about your black belt when they sneak up from behind and conk you on the bean and there ain't nothing you can do about that sort of thing at all. And anyway, you're just foolin yourself if you think about that stuff too much and you just go crazy anyway. Or else they're swimming in a glacier just in case another ice age comes along right overnight. And that is just plain dumb.

The skills you need are ordinary things that no one ever thinks about too much. Okay, so you're a hostage in Armenia and they got demands that even Sears cannot supply. So they got you in this Holiday Inn Armenia with a handkerchief around your mouth and chicken wire on your hands and feet. They're shouting in your ear all sorts of things that you can't understand, and all the time they're feeding you fried goat so tough it reminds you of thanksgiving at your granny's. So, what you gonna do? I'll tell you what. You're gonna do whatever they make you do, and that is probly just sit there for a week and watch old reruns from American TV.

This is the kind of thing you've got to get prepared for nowadays. There ain't no glamour to it, but still and all you've got to make it through, if you wanna get back home and rip those yellow ribbons off those old oak trees. So you've got to call on all of your reserves and skills that hopefully you've honed up in advance. And this is what I did. One night all this was on my mind, and I was considering the possibilities and the things I'd have to do to get all my reserves jacked up in gear. So I decided that since I was gonna have to do a lot of sittin' and endurin', I'd better get some training in right then. So I padlocked the refrigerator door and I turned off all the lights, and I roped myself into the most uncomfortable sofa I could find in my apartment. And then I turned on the TV and took a box of no-doz no sleep pills. Of course, they probly don't have these things in Armenia but you never know, so just in case it wasn't really cheating but all right.

And I'll tell you, it was pretty rough. First thing they had on was this late news talky show, and the subject was retarded monkeys in the special education zoo and all these phony experts goin' on and on about the 'learning opportunities' and 'exposure' and other fancy empty words like that. Then it was a movie about a guy come into town and fallin' in love but being a crook and running away but her father had him hanged and everyone was sad and teary-eyed, except for me, of course, because I never cry. And in between all this they had commercials for the dumbest stuff, like stuff that makes you crap, and stuff that makes you think you aren't really hungry when you are, and stuff that keeps you dry when it isn't even raining out and half the time you just don't have a notion what is the friggin deal and why the heavy music and all the other stuff like that.

But anyway, there was this thing about a working stiff that works with stiffs that was supposed to be some kind of funny show, and then it was another sad show, and another funny show again, and all the time these terrible ads and all. But I stayed up all night and I didn't even move and I didn't fall asleep. Then at six it wasn't quite the day yet but I said enough's enough and so I turned it off, but I couldn't get to sleep and then I was in a lousy mood all day, but that's the price I paid, and I am glad I did, cause now I know that I can make it through a thing like that, and I have all these various skills all honed and ready for the action, when it comes.

I have been through so much stuff by now that I am pretty sure that I can make it through all kinds of things, including those that somehow I've not thought about as yet. I've spent a lot of time considering how to cover all the bases just in case. And it occurs to me and I have had it proven by a whole bunch of experience, that the things most likeliest to do you in are the little ones that no one ever thinks about too much. And I have got a theory why this is. You see, it's 'cause of all the entertainment industries. They ran through all the petty stuff a long, long time ago, and nowadays they gotta get more weirder everytime.

So this is why instead of people worryin' 'bout what their neighbors gonna think about their baby boy out peein' on the lawn, they got convinced that everyone who lives next door and looks like they might be a saint or anyone's best friend or model worker really is a cereal killer and a no good criminal at heart inside, and all the rest is only coverin' up so no one sees the truth. 'Cause there used to be a lot more honesty in the world, but that is already been done years ago and no one buys it anymore.

And I thought that this was all a plot because I still remember goin' out on Halloween and no one put no drugs inside your Hershey Bar or needles in the fruitcakes, but they would give you healthy stuff like raisenettes and apples. And you dressed up like heroes in the books and not like nowadays when every kid's a vampire from some other planet or somewhere else that really don't exist and never did. And they put stuff in damn near everything that's enough to mutilate a cow, especially those new neighbors down the street that no one knows just where they come from anyhow and you don't know nobody anymore, you just sit inside your house and watch TV and come to learn that everyone is really bad inside, no matter what the color shoes they wear.

Well, it's sad to say, but everyone has got to toughen up and not go through the world expecting everything to be okay if only because they want it to and wouldn't it be nice. And the boys and girls do things that you and I had never even heard of, let alone commit. But I could tell em something but they never listen, do they? No! And I did something once that... but never mind, that is a different thing entirely from the subject that's at hand. I was talking about the finks next door and, you know one thing? It's nothing new at all. Why, even when I was a kid the guy next door was nice and neat but then he went to jail in any case and this was fifty years ago at least and more. And on the other side there was this girl who said once that she had a friend who'd probly be just right for me and so I got fixed up, and I really didn't wanna do it anyway but I was seventeen and still untried, and so I thought I might get tried for once just so my buddies wouldn't be making fun of me although they ain't been tried yet neither but only lied and said they did.

This is one of those situations where you later on in life will come to know that they were really okay after all but at the time it felt like dyin slow and painful like. And there are things that even though you live through them and time goes on but still it slows down real fast and then it takes forever just so you forget what happened anyhow. I mean, it was no fun at all. This girl was such a pig, and fat and ugly too, and maybe she was nice somewhere inside and all that rolls of skin was just a cover-up, but from what I got to know it was just the same in there, just gooey and gushy and muck.

And it cost me more than seven dollars all in all which was a lot back then although it don't buy much these days and all of that was dinner and a movie too and all the time she doesn't say two words except good night, not even thanks a lot. Of course, I wasn't much her type as well, 'cause her type was something like a slug or even worse some guy who oozes pus from every pore and says things like I love you just the way you are so he can snuggle up and take advantage of her ample insulation.

So don't gimme none of that good old days 'cause they was rotten too, and especially the girl next door who was a liar and a cheat. But I learned a thing or two from all of that, though I ain't tellin' what it was 'cause you know anyway and anyway I think I'm gettin' sick. But if you really wanna know, you can order me another rum and coke, and maybe then I'll tell you if I don't pass out or fall asleep or something off the edge like that.

You hear a lot of stuff about the end of the world these days, and there's lots of talk and shows about the way things gonna be when it happens and the funny thing to me is that in most of them it doesn't end at all although they say it does. Guys just go around like cowboys acting tough and girls are also tough, and bugs are bigger and telephones don't work and even though there isn't any gasoline the cars go on and on. It's all about survivors, but the thing is, they're not really real survivors, like the way that it would really be. Now, I have done some thinking on this stuff and I got some ideas of my own about it all.

What happens when the world's supposed to end but then it really doesn't 'cause there's always someone left to face some heavy stuff? First thing is, they have to keep their spirits up, so they'll probly tell a lot of jokes and the only kind of litratcher that will survive is books of dirty jokes and stuff like that. Forget about the classics and the other fancy stuff. They won't want to know about the king that killed the other king because he wanted to be the only king around, no way. You'll hear a lot about the moose that went into a bar and ordered up a beer and the guy said, I forget the rest of it, but you know how it goes.

And also there's the problem of money not being worth much anymore, and no one will be able to pay for anything at all, and this will cause a lot of troubles that haven't even been talked about as yet. So I thought I would try it out in any case so's I would be prepared if it happens that one day the world is over and I got to get some grub and the check comes but I've got no money since I didn't have it on me when the bombs went off, say I left it in my other coat, and stuff, I don't even have my friggin keys so how'm I gonna get back home? I know, I'll bust the window open though now anyone could do that - stuff. I don't like to think about that stuff because there's nothing you can do in any case if they decided to bust in when you aren't there and they can take it all if they decided to.

I think that when the world is ended there will be lots more of this criminal activity than even there is now, and the TV news won't be much different than it is, just who lost what and when, like it is right now except the weather which there won't be that much of it anyhow as the experts' sayin' nowadays. stuff inside the air. stuff inside the water too. And no money 'cause I left it in my other coat which is just my rotten luck.

So anyway I'm thinkin here. I go on to this place and I have the most expensive thing there on the list, and a bottle of good wine too, because I know that I don't have no money, so what they gonna do? It musta been the finest meal I ever had, and it was a fancy place, the kind of place that I would never go to if I had some money on me 'cause I would spend it all, and then where would I be? Broke, that's where. But here I had a table by the window to myself and I could watch the people on the outside walkin' by, and all the time I'm busy toughening my reserves 'cause the moment

I ate so much I thought that I would die, and when I didn't I had some fancy ice cream too, and a lot of cups of coffee 'cause the wine went in my head and muddled up my brain a little bit and I knew I would need it soon enough in all its clear incensity. Well, I could get arrested, but I always wanted to do that anyway 'cause the experience was bound to come in handy further down the line. Or they can make me do the dishes, but what the hell, I done a lot of dishes in my time, especially since now I live alone and a few more isn't gonna hurt a flea.

So the check comes right on time and I made a show like I was real surprised because I didn't have my wallet and I sputtered on a lot like I've seen em do on TV in a case like this, and what the hell do you know? The manager comes out and he takes a look at me, and he says, Ricky, Christ, it's been a long time, pal. And frig, I knew this guy when we was in the war, and I ain't never seen him since - so he sat right down and ordered another bottle and he said, forget it, it's on me. And he made me talk about the old times which I'm glad are gone because I didn't like em then and I sure as hell don't like em now.

So that ruined my experiment and it spoiled my afternoon to boot. And it just goes to show you that the little things can frig you up right when you least expect em too. There is no accounting for this kind of thing. You can be prepared, but what you get might not be what you was busy looking for. And you never know what skill you need the most at any given time, so you gotta hone em all, and have em in reserve, and that's the only way to go.

Some people tell you, play it safe, lie low and you'll get by. And other people tell you that the only way to live is on the edge, on the fringe of danger and excitement and the other stuff like that. And you can see from looking at it close enough and proving it by experience, that the one way's gonna work for some guy here but not the other guy there which for that guy the other way works better than the other. So I mean you gotta find out which one of them ways is gonna work for you, and the only way to find out is to try it for yourself and see.

Now, I am not in favor against something because I heard it somewhere or because somebody told me so, 'cause everything is different and you never know for sure. So what I done is try a bunch of things and seen which ones would do the trick for me, and which ones wouldn't do at all. Of course, I wouldn't advise this course of action for just anyone at all. Too many times you see somebody doin' something dangerous for which they're not prepared to do, and the results is never good. You ought to be in training, and I mean this all the way.

I know some people who were going around and playing it safe, but they weren't in preparation and it didn't turn out good. They would always wait until the light said walk before they'd cross the street, and they'd stay at home instead of going out 'cause it was dark, and they never took no risk, and they never took a thing into their own hands less it fall apart on them and then where would they be? I saw em and I watched em 'cause I was curious, and it turns out I was right 'cause even playin' it safe they didn't survive, and I think it was because they weren't in the training from the start.

It takes a lot more than not doin' stuff to play it safe the way a true survivor would. And you can see the difference in the way they go about the thing. Survivor isn't scared, naw, that ain't why he plays it safe. And he doesn't think that he is being smart too neither. For him it is a calculating move, he knows exactly what he's doin' and why. So when he don't go out at night it ain't because he's scared of what's outside, but 'cause he's testing out what happens if he stays inside at home. A true survivor is always taking chances, even when he's not.

I figure that my life is in my own hands even when it's not, 'cause everything I do is done on purpose with a motivation back of it somewhere. And that is why that I can do most anything and know exactly why. You might think that I'm just talking round and round, but I can tell you from a whole bunch of experience that I do know very well just what I mean, even if you can't figure it out just yet. So here's a case and point. I was driving around one day, in my Malibu convertible with special rubberized tires and I was goin' nice and easy, playin' it safe, obeying all the signs and stuff like that. I'd stop when it was red and go when it was green. I'd even slow down when it was yellow like you are supposed to do but hardly no one ever does. And when the sign said yield, I yelt. And when the sign said merge, I merged. And all the time I was doin' all this on purpose. I said, this is playin' it safe, and so far it's working pretty well 'cause I ain't had no trouble yet, and I ain't expecting none.

Well, that thought set me of because I know it's always when you ain't expecting none that trouble comes along and usually it's a little thing that you ain't started up and all that you can do is manage to get out of it, if you are cool and got your training in reserves honed up. So I thought, woah now, maybe things is not what they might seem, so I should stop this playin' it safe routine before I get myself into a whole lot of the kind of thing I'm trying to avoid.

And that is what I did. Next light I come to that was red I said no way, I am never gonna stop for this one here because you never know when it might be just the very wrongest thing to do, so I stepped on it because if you ain't gonna play it safe, then you gotta play it on the edge, and there ain't no in between. And I'll bet you if I'd stopped right then some asshole woulda come along and banged me in the butt, 'cause that's the kind of thing that happens when you play it safe and it's the wrong time to be doing that. And, well, instead this other guy was goin' on his own way, obeyin' his own light and playin' it safe in his direction just as far as it would go, and that is when he slammed right into me and there it was the end of that experiment. So my arm got broken and my head got all banged up a bit, and the other guy came out okay 'cause now I owe the insurance 'long with all them other bills, and he made money on the deal, even after he had to fix his car back up and all that other kind of stuff.

But I took the chance, and even though it didn't work that time, but playing it safe I might be dead by now and that is how I come to look at this experience, 'cause when you ask for trouble you get it, and you know what you can do about it 'cause you was ready all along. But when it comes and you don't want it to, then you're a mess, and nothing's any good, because you ain't prepared, and that is how it goes.

You never think that you will be the one to be a victim of a great misunderstanding, and that you will have a hard time 'cause of something you ain't done but someone thinks you did because you look like someone else or it was dark and you just happened to be there. You hear about it all the time and I have got a file just full of things like this that happened in the world, so it's good to know just what it's like and what to do in case it ever happens to you sometime you're least expecting it.

It happened to a friend of mine that he got caught one day and they said he was selling stolen property, though it was his and he could prove it too. He told me all about the facts and I could see it was a shame because he really needed the money bad and though he didn't want to sell the stuff he didn't have no choice or else they'd bust his legs or somewhere even worse than that. And it was twice as bad because to get the stereo he had to break into his house because his wife had changed the locks the day she threw him out so the key didn't work and there was nothing else to do. Too bad she'd tagged the stuff as if she'd known that he would try, but really it was him that bought it in the first place with the money that he'd borrowed and he had to pay back now.

It was just a raw deal all around, and then he went to jail and that's what set me thinking about these things. So I figured I should also try it out to see what it was like because you never know when it will be for real and they won't believe a word you say because they've got it in for you, besides of which they're all against you anyway. But I didn't want to do a lot of time and so I figured that the best way was to have a lot to drink and then go out and drive around until they stopped me, so that's exactly what I did.

Of course it didn't work out quite the way I'd planned, but I was really shitfaced so I can't be held responsible for all of it in any case. I didn't even see the guy who was crossing against the light, and then I tried to swerve out of the way too late and so I knocked him down but also hit this other car and sent it over on across the line whereat it hit the other car which got bumped at from behind. The worst thing was that last car was a foreign government official, and he was not amused at all. If it hadn't been for that, I might've got away, but he had a phone right in his car and so the cops were there before I even figured how to back up in reverse and get my ass straight out of there.

I went to jail all right, but not for drunken driving like I planned, but what they called a reckless assault, and it could've been a manslaughter too except the guy lived through it which was good for me. That's when I met my pal again, and we spent a lot of time nearby - I think it was eight months and twenty days or thereabouts. And I tell you, I survived. The food was bad and it was noisy all the time - the jail, not the food. And there was all these guys I wouldn't want to know, and what was funny was that every one of them was there for things they didn't do, and I had no idea that this problem was as carried away as that. There was guys who didn't beat their wife, and guys who were never anywhere near that place that time that night.

Some of them were tough, and some of them were smart, but most of them just played it safe and tried for good behavior. And I was surprised to find that there were almost not a single true survivor in the bunch. They were just like anybody else, they went along, they did things as they happened, no purpose and no plan in mind. There wasn't much to do but play a lot of games and watch TV, so I got pretty good at that, and I got a lot more experience at being in jail than I had thought I would that day when I decided to.

But I survived. I went in one day and come out on another day and I was just the same as I have been before or since. So I can tell you that it isn't true about being re-formed, 'cause I was formed already and I came out just the same. The worst thing was the food, but I know all about bad food, 'cause I have had a whole bunch of experience with that stuff, and I am telling you the truth, okay?

Sometimes you watch TV and it seems like they can't possibly be telling you the truth about the thing. They play it like you're stupid, but there ain't anyone I know as stupid as all that. It's like when they tell you if you buy then you will save and that doesn't make no kind of sense at all unless you'd planned to buy it somewheres else where it cost more anyway. And they tell you cars as good as new, but they ain't new... come on! Or else they say it's new improved and better than it was before which makes you feel a little dumb because you used to buy the stuff before it was improved and now they tell you that that old stuff ain't no good at all and probly never was.

So you don't know what to think, and when I was in jail I did a lot of TV watching and it kind of got me in the habit so that even now I watch it when I should be doing something else like seeing folks or reading magazines. And when I was in prison I kept seeing ads for stuff and I could never go and buy because they wouldn't let you leave the place as long as you was there for. So I had saved a bunch of things that I had planned to do as soon as I got out, and it seemed like every night in there there was an advertisement for a thing they called a midnight madness sale.

You should've seen the people on those ads, why there was even hordes of them all flocking to the store and in the middle of the night because the savings never stop until they run clear outa stuff. Of course I wasn't fooled, and I had never seen so many people having such a good time in a store, and there was these balloons and floats and dancing gals what made the guys all hot and hollerin' and a salesman in a tux announcing unbelievable low prices on the finest items of their kind in any place all over the bi-state area.

So I thought it isn't true it's just an ad, but maybe things have changed a bit, 'cause even only eight months all locked up can seem like years and years, and some of the guys in there had never seen a incubator mole, so who was I to say. Maybe it's a new thing, all the rage, and anyway it looked like lots of pandamonias, almost like a New Year's celebration and I always thought that this was something I should do, and I will tell you why. You see, I have never seen a riot in the living flesh but only on TV, but I know that human beings can easily go nuts especially in packs, and when that happens you don't know just what is goin on. So I figure bread lines gonna be like this, all sorts of people cramming in and getting all excited over hardly nothing anyhow, and in generally going wild and all bananas anyway.

And it can be important to be ready for that sort of thing, because you never know when it will come and there you are you're stuck into the middle of a crowd like that, all hell is busting loose and there ain't nothing you can do but keep your head and bring your skills up from reserve. So when I got out I just looked around and watched TV but suddenly there was no more midnight madness sales and I was sad as if I'd missed the whole thing and a golden training opportunity to boot.

But then I must of gotten lucky 'cause one night I wasn't gonna watch TV but then I did 'cause there was nothing else to do, and then I saw the ad for it, and it wasn't very far away, and so I got prepared and went that very night at ten o'clock, and I have never been so disappointed in my whole entire life. There wasn't nothing going on at all. There was maybe half a dozen people in the whole big store, and most of them were there because they worked there and you could tell how bored they were 'cause they were half asleep.

No party, no balloons, no dancing gals in underpants and bras, no mob, no nothing whatsoever of any kind of thing at all. And I didn't want to buy no sofa, and anyway I had no money anyhow, so it was pretty stupid being there and all. But I was mad because I fell for one more lousy lie, and I had promised not to do that kind of thing again no matter what. And that is just what happens when you're dumb enough like me believing things you're seeing with your own eyes and hearing with your very own ears, 'cause most of it ain't true, and the rest is just a trick. Best to go along like you was deaf and blind and nothing's gonna bother you that way and make you feel like you're a stupid fool, though you might be anyway, but like I say, who wants to know? You're just better off like that.

The one thing I have learned is things get out of hand, and then they go in ways that you did not expect them to. It only takes one little thing and then before you know it you have got a big mess on your hands. I can tell you some examples from the news. There was the time the wind direction shifted, just a bit, and then a minute later you have got an airplane on the ground in flames and more than a hundred people dead. Or else a guy decides to have a cigarette and falls asleep, and boom: sixteen thousand acres going up in smoke. Or it could be that a drum has got a teeny weeny leak in it, and then you must evacuate a hundred million people from the place.

Trouble always starts out small, and that is why I've spent my life on guard against the little things. And I'm not getting out of hand and taking things too far. No, sir. I'm just being sensible. But when you start to think about it, it can mess your head around a bit. If one thing leads right to the next than anything can happen and you don't know what it is until it does and then it's too late anyway. You've got to watch out every step, and this I know, from a whole bunch of experience.

One time I was gonna drive to Calamar just to see my mother who was dying in the hospital, but on the way I got a flat and I didn't have no spare. So I got the car towed back right into Wetford, and then I thought I'll take the bus. But the bus just left and it was three more hours until the next, and I didn't feel like waiting there and so I thought I'd catch a train, but there wasn't any train because of budget cuts and all. So stuff I'll take the car again, I thought, but I didn't have the cash to pay the tow and that is why I left the car and anyway I couldn't've taken the bus in any case and for the very same reason too. And so I went on home and got a call and she was dead in any case, so it's just as well I didn't go. I didn't want to see her anyway.

It's the same with every little thing in life. You don't know what you're getting into, and what with all the trouble in the world who needs it, anyway. At least that's what I say. And it's taking a risk at every turn, no matter what you do, even if you go along and play it safe,’ cause playin' it safe won't save you 'cause you never know. It has got down to the point where every little thing has got to be considered well before you take a step. Who knows what might happen on the way?

Now lately everything is bad for you, and you can see it on the news most every night. One day it's cantaloupes. Next day it's phony sugar. And then there is the problem of diseases that they don't even know just what they are and nobody can stop 'em killing you no matter what they do. If it isn't drunken drivers, it's people shooting up the streets. And if it isn't ruthless terrorists from Lebanon, it's your best friend with a knife stuck in your back. So I don't know. I try and do my best to be prepared, but you can never tell what's gonna be the real test, and what is just a dry run sort of thing. It's getting to the point where at the smallest thing you do is taking your life into your hands, and when you least expect it, too.

So I had this problem just the other night when I was eating out at this Cafe where I had been before, and it wasn't any good, but it was cheap and lots of it as well. And I had the pot roast with potatoes and the gravy like a sunken ship, and some peas and carrots all mixed up together in a clear sauce. And I was hungry even after that, so I picked up the menu and looked at the desserts. They had Jell-O, cake and pie. None of it looked any good, but I had to make a choice. And this is when I thought about the little things, and how you never know.

So I was considering. The Jell-O wasn't real, I knew that much, and probly on the news most any night I might expect to hear that Jell-O causes mice to puke and die. And the cake was like a rock, and it was the color of the stuff that I was gonna take as soon as I got home. And so I had the pie. But I didn't enjoy it much. I was too busy worrying about what might be wrong with it, and maybe it was gonna kill me some way I ain't heard about as yet. It didn't , but it might of. And I am glad I'm getting old 'cause I don't want to be around when every little thing'll kill you one way or another, and I can tell you that that day is coming soon, 'cause there's nothing left at all from when I was a kid. I just don't know this old world anymore, and everything I ever learned is long since out of date. It takes a new survivor now, but not one like my kid, 'cause he is stupid and he never learned a thing. It just goes to show you that you never know, and especially when you think you do, and I have proved that by a whole bunch of experience.

Every now and then a person comes along who, by his very essence, captures whole the spirit of a passing age. Survivor was such a one indeed. It maybe of interest to the casual reader to note that, although he fails to mention it, Survivor was a veteran of two foreign wars, who saw more than his share of brutal combat. Military records show he earned a dozen medals, including two purple hearts and a congressional medal of honor, for his service to the nation which he loved so much and served so well.

But he survived much more than merely war. He survived some of the most turbulent times this nation ever knew, including the so-called 'rat rebellion', two major droughts, six famines, and a blight of locusts as well. He lived through more than a hundred and ninety wars which took place around the globe during the span of his life. He survived the floods in Bangladesh, innumerable airplane crashes, more than twenty million auto wrecks, countless train disasters, myriad diseases, and even plutonium poisoning. He survived both nuclear explosions, as well as all the tests. He survived a number of near-meltdowns, and, possibly, trillions of common household accidents. He survived the power failures and the environmental havoc wrought by man. He survived a lot of earthquakes and volcanoes too. He survived the serial killers and the sexual abusers. He survived all sorts of bad taste and the popular culture at large. He survived the scandals and the schemes, the kickbacks and the bribes, and even the double agents and their intelligence treacheries. Although he witnessed more than eighty thousand murders - most on television, naturally - he was never murdered. He did not die of poisoning, nor by contamination. He did not die of cancer, AIDS, leukemia, or any other dread disease. He did not die in bed, nor in a hospital.

In fact, we cannot be sure exactly how he died. It might have been a heart attack, or simply a bout of a more permanent brain death. All we know is that one day he went out for a walk, and he did not return. He was found reclining on a park bench, near his favorite spot, overlooking a tall brick wall of no importance or significance whatsoever. His loss was a tragic one. He had assured his audience that they had not 'heard nothin' yet', and that he had intended to embark on a full scale discussion of the detailed ways and means involved in his profession. He had also planned to write a book, and do a lecture tour.

One can only survive so much, but no one has survived so well, and so distinctively, as the man we fondly call Survivor. Let these words stand the test of time, surviving where their speaker couldn't go.