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Page 368
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overcame my caution when I saw that my coldness troubled you. I did not believe that such innocent talk as passed between us in open company would offend Gervase, but she took this as a sign that I intended to flout her order. She ordered me out of Clifford, and when I begged her permission to return after you were gone, she would give me no answer.
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I do not write to ask you to intercede for me; in fact, I beg you not to speak to Gervase at all. To plead for me can only increase her anger, which, if left to abate of itself, may fade. I can only pray that my sister will not abandon me completely. She knows I have no home except by her charity, my dower property having been unjustly seized by my late husband's brother, and I cannot believe that she would permit me to starve.
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What has driven me to write to you is the fear that even if Gervase permits me to return, she may drive me out again. I have another trouble, not great now, but which must increase with time and cannot long be hid from my sister. Perhaps you will not believe me or will choose to believe the foul calumnies uttered by my brother-by-marriage. I can only say that when the earl accused me so harshly of misconduct, I was so terrified by an attack from him, who is supposed to be my stay and comfort, that I could not defend myself. Moreover, I was stricken by such pain that I was sure I would lose that which was to me both a joy and a dread. It is our curse, my sister's and mine, to be unable to retain the fruit of our wombs. Yet it did not happen and, although I cannot swear that it will not happen at any time, especially when I am so distraught of spirit, yet if it does notwhat am I to do? Perhaps the earl will turn me out, even if my sister will not.
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I swear to you on the souls of my father and my most beloved mother that I have had ado with no man since my husband died except for you. I dare not approach you openly for fear of the Earl of Pembroke and my sister, nor do I desire to make trouble between you and Lady Sybelle, your wife, yet I am near insane for at least a word of comfort, if you can offer me no more than that. Thus, I have come down from Craswall and am staying at the manor house of Hay. I do not know how long the

 
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