A Gun For Dinosaurs
And Other Imaginative Tales
(1968)*
L. Sprague de Camp

Contents

Trips in Time
A Gun for Dinosaur 
Aristotle and the Gun

Gadgets and Projects
The Guided Man 
Internal Combustion 
Cornzan the Mighty 
Throwback 
Judgment Day

Suburban Sketches 
Gratitude
A Thing of Custom 
The Egg 
Let's Have Fun

Far Places
Impractical Joke 
In-Group 
New Arcadia

-

-

TRIPS IN TIME

-

A Gun For Dinosaur

	No, I'm sorry, Mr. Seligman; but I can't take you hunting late-Mesozoic dinosaur.

	Yes, I know what the advertisement says.

	Why not? How much d'you weigh? A hundred and thirty? Let's see; that's under ten stone, which is my lower limit.

	I could take you to other periods, you know. I'll take you to any period in the Cenozoic. I'll get you a shot at an entelodont or a uintathere. They've got fine heads.

	I'll even stretch a point and take you to the Pleistocene, where you can try for one of the mammoths or the mastodon.

	I'll take you back to the Triassic where you can shoot one of the smaller ancestral dinosaurs. But I will jolly well not take you to the Jurassic or Cretaceous. You're just too small.

	What's your size got to do with it? Look here, old boy, what did you think you were going to shoot your dinosaur with?

	Oh, you hadn't thought, eh?

	Well, sit there a minute ... Here you are: my own private gun for that work, a Continental .600. Does look like a shotgun, doesn't it? But it's rifled, as you can see by looking through the barrels. Shoots a pair of .600 Nitro Express cartridges the size of bananas; weighs fourteen and a half pounds and has a muzzle-energy of over seven thousand foot-pounds.

	 Costs fourteen hundred and fifty dollars. Lot of money for a gun, what?

	I have some spares I rent to the sahibs. Designed for knocking down elephant. Not just wounding them, knocking them base-over-apex. That's why they don't make guns like this in America, though I suppose they will if hunting parties keep going back in time.

	Now, I've been guiding hunting parties for twenty years. Guided 'em in Africa until the game gave out there except on the preserves. And all that time I've never known a man your size who could handle the six-nought-nought. It knocks 'em over, and even when they stay on their feet they get so scared of the bloody cannon after a few shots that they flinch. And they find the gun too heavy to drag around rough Mesozoic country. Wears 'em out.

	It's true that lots of people have killed elephant with lighter guns: the .500, .475, and .465 doubles, for instance, or even .375 magnum repeaters. The difference is, with a .375 you have to hit something vital, preferably the heart, and can't depend on simple shock power.

	An elephant weighs — let's see — four to six ton. You're proposing to shoot reptiles weighing two or three times as much as an elephant and with much greater tenacity of life. That's why the syndicate decided to take no more people dinosaur-hunting unless they could handle the .600. We learned the hard way, as you Americans say. There were some unfortunate incidents ...

	I'll tell you, Mr. Seligman. It's after seventeen-hundred. Time I closed the office. Why don't we stop at the bar on our way out while I tell you the story?

-

	... It was about the Raja's and my fifth safari into time. The Raja? Oh, he's the Aiyar half of Rivers and Aiyar. I call him the Raja because he's the hereditary monarch of Janpur. Means nothing nowadays, of course. Knew him in India and ran into him in New York running the Indian tourist agency. That dark chap in the photograph on my office wall, the one with his foot on the dead sabertooth.

	Well, the Raja was fed up with handing out brochures about the Taj Mahal and wanted to do a bit of hunting again. I was at loose ends when we heard of Professor Prochaska's time machine at Washington University.

	Where's the Raja now? Out on safari, in the Early Oligocene after titanothere, while I run the office. We take turn about, but the first few times we went out together.

	Anyhow, we caught the next 'plane to St. Louis. To our mortification, we found we weren't the first. Lord, no! There were other hunting guides and no end of scientists, each with his own idea of the right way to use the machine.

	We scraped off the historians and archeologists right at the start. Seems the ruddy machine won't work for periods more recent than 100,000 years ago. It works from there up to about a billion years.

	Why? Oh, I'm no four-dimensional thinker; but, as I understand it, if people could go back to a more recent time, their actions would affect our own history, which would be a paradox or contradiction of facts. Can't have that in a well-run universe, you know.

	But, before 100,000 B.C., more or less, the actions of the expeditions are lost in the stream of time before human history begins. At that, once a stretch of past time has been used, say the month of January, one million B.C., you can't use that stretch over again by sending another party into it. Paradoxes again.

	The professor isn't worried, though. With a billion years to exploit, he won't soon run out of eras.

	Another limitation of the machine is the matter of size. For technical reasons, Prochaska had to build the transition chamber just big enough to hold four men with their personal gear, and the chamber wallah. Larger parties have to be sent through in relays. That means, you see, it's not practical to take jeeps, launches, aircraft, and other powered vehicles.

	On the other hand, since you're going to periods without human beings, there's no whistling up a hundred native bearers to trot along with your gear on their heads. So we usually take a train of asses — burros, they call them here. Most periods have enough natural forage so you can get where you want to go.

	As I say, everybody had his own idea for using the machine. The scientists looked down their noses at us hunters and said it would be a crime to waste the machine's time pandering to our sadistic amusements.

	We brought up another angle. The machine cost a cool thirty million. I understand this came from the Rockefeller Board and such people, but that accounted for the original cost only, not the cost of operation. And the thing uses fantastic amounts of power. Most of the scientists' projects, while worthy enough, were run on a shoestring, financially speaking.

	Now, we guides catered to people with money, a species with which America seems well stocked. No offense, old boy. Most of these could afford a substantial fee for passing through the machine into the past. Thus we could help finance the operation of the machine for scientific purposes, provided we got a fair share of its time. In the end, the guides formed a syndicate of eight members, one member being the partnership of Rivers and Aiyar, to apportion the machine's time.

	We had rush business from the start. Our wives — the Raja's and mine — raised hell with us for a while. They'd hoped that, when the big game gave out in our own era, they'd never have to share us with lions and things again, but you know how women are. Hunting's not really dangerous if you keep your head and take precautions.

-

	On the fifth expedition, we had two sahibs to wet-nurse; both Americans in their thirties, both physically sound, and both solvent. Otherwise they were as different as different can be.

	Courtney James was what you chaps call a playboy: a rich young man from New York who'd always had his own way and didn't see why that agreeable condition shouldn't continue. A big bloke, almost as big as I am; handsome in a florid way, but beginning to run to fat. He was on his fourth wife and, when he showed up at the office with a blond twist with "model" written all over her, I assumed that this was the fourth Mrs. James.

	"Miss Bartram," she corrected me, with an embarrassed giggle.

	"She's not my wife," James explained. "My wife is in Mexico, I think, getting a divorce. But Bunny here would like to go along —"

	"Sorry," I said, "we don't take ladies. At least, not to the Late Mesozoic."

	This wasn't strictly true, but I felt we were running enough risks, going after a little-known fauna, without dragging in people's domestic entanglements. Nothing against sex, you understand. Marvelous institution and all that, but not where it interferes with my living.

	"Oh, nonsense!" said James. "If she wants to go, she'll go. She skis and flies my airplane, so why shouldn't she —"

	"Against the firm's policy," I said.

	"She can keep out of the way when we run up against the dangerous ones," he said. "No, sorry."

	"Damn it!" said he, getting red. "After all, I'm paying you a goodly sum, and I'm entitled to take whoever I please."

	"You can't hire me to do anything against my best judgment," I said. "If that's how you feel, get another guide."

	"All right, I will," he said. "And I'll tell all my friends you're a God-damned —"Well, he said a lot of things I won't repeat, until I told him to get out of the office or I'd throw him out.

	I was sitting in the office and thinking sadly of all that lovely money James would have paid me if I hadn't been so stiff-necked, when in came my other lamb, one August Holtzinger. This was a little slim pale chap with glasses, polite and formal. Holtzinger sat on the edge of his chair and said:

	"Uh — Mr. Rivers, I don't want you to think I'm here under false pretences. I'm really not much of an outdoorsman, and I'll probably be scared to death when I see a real dinosaur. But I'm determined to hang a dinosaur head over my fireplace or die in the attempt."

	"Most of us are frightened at first," I soothed him, "though it doesn't do to show it." And little by little I got the story out of him.

	While James had always been wallowing in the stuff, Holtzinger was a local product who'd only lately come into the real thing. He'd had a little business here in St. Louis and just about made ends meet when an uncle cashed in his chips somewhere and left little Augie the pile.

	Now Holtzinger had acquired a fiancée and was building a big house. When it was finished, they'd be married and move into it. And one furnishing he demanded was a ceratopsian head over the fireplace. Those are the ones with the big horned heads with a parrot-beak and a frill over the neck, you know. You have to think twice about collecting them, because, if you put a seven-foot Triceratops head into a small living room, there's apt to be no room left for anything else.

	We were talking about this when in came a girl: a small girl in her twenties, quite ordinary-looking, and crying.

	"Augie!" she cried. "You can't! You mustn't! You'll be killed!" She grabbed him round the knees and said to me:

	"Mr. Rivers, you mustn't take him! He's all I've got! He'll never stand the hardships!"

	"My dear young lady," I said, "I should hate to cause you distress, but it's up to Mr. Holtzinger to decide whether he wishes to retain my services."

	"It's no use, Claire," said Holtzinger. "I'm going, though I'll probably hate every minute of it."

	"What's that, old boy?" I said. "If you hate it, why go? Did you lose a bet, or something?"

	"No," said Holtzinger. "It's this way. Uh — I'm a completely undistinguished kind of guy. I'm not brilliant or big or strong or handsome. I'm just an ordinary Midwestern small businessman. You never even notice me at Rotary luncheons, I fit in so perfectly.

	"But that doesn't say Tm satisfied. I've always hankered to go to far places and do big things. I'd like to be a glamorous, adventurous sort of guy. Like you, Mr. Rivers."

	"Oh, come," I said. "Professional hunting may seem glamorous to you, but to me it's just a living."

	He shook his head. "Nope. You know what I mean. Well, now I've got this legacy, I could settle down to play bridge and golf the rest of my life, and try to act like I wasn't bored. But I'm determined to do something with some color in it, once at least. Since there's no more real big-game hunting in the present, I'm gonna shoot a dinosaur and hang his head over my mantel if it's the last thing I do. I'll never be happy otherwise."

	Well, Holtzinger and his girl argued, but he wouldn't give in. She made me swear to take the best care of her Augie and departed, sniffling.

	When Holtzinger had left, who should come in but my vile-tempered friend Courtney James? He apologized for insulting me, though you could hardly say he groveled.

	"I don't really have a bad temper," he said, "except when people won't co-operate with me. Then I sometimes get mad.

	But so long as they're co-operative I'm not hard to get along with."

	I knew that by "co-operate" he meant to do whatever Courtney James wanted, but I didn't press the point. "How about Miss Bartram?" I asked.

	"We had a row," he said. "I'm through with women. So, if there's no hard feelings, let's go on from where we left off."

	"Very well," I said, business being business.

	The Raja and I decided to make it a joint safari to eighty-five million years ago: the Early Upper Cretaceous, or the Middle Cretaceous as some American geologists call it. It's about the best period for dinosaur in Missouri. You'll find some individual species a little larger in the Late Upper Cretaceous, but the period we were going to gives a wider variety.

	Now, as to our equipment: The Raja and I each had a Continental .600, like the one I showed you, and a few smaller guns. At this time we hadn't worked up much capital and had no spare .600s to rent.

	August Holtzinger said he would renta gun, as he expected this to be his only safari, and there's no point in spending over a thousand dollars for a gun you'll shoot only a few times. But, since we had no spare .600s, his choice lay between buying one of those and renting one of our smaller pieces.

	We drove into the country and set up a target, to let him try the .600. Holtzinger heaved up the gun and let fly. He missed completely, and the kick knocked him flat on his back.

	He got up, looking paler than ever, and handed me back the gun, saying: "Uh — I think I'd better try something smaller."

	When his shoulder stopped hurting, I tried him out on the smaller rifles. He took a fancy to my Winchester 70, chambered for the .375 magnum cartridge. This is an excellent all-round gun — perfect for the big cats and bears, but a little light for elephant and definitely light for dinosaur. I should never have given in, but I was in a hurry, and it might have taken months to have a new .600 made to order for him. James already had a gun, a Holland & Holland .500 double express, which is almost in a class with the .600.

	Both sahibs had done a bit of shooting, so I didn't worry about their accuracy. Shooting dinosaur is not a matter of extreme accuracy, but of sound judgment and smooth coordination so you shan't catch twigs in the mechanism of your gun, or fall into holes, or climb a small tree that the dinosaur can pluck you out of, or blow your guide's head off.

	People used to hunting mammals sometimes try to shoot a dinosaur in the brain. That's the silliest thing you can do, because dinosaur haven't got any. To be exact, they have a little lump of tissue the size of a tennis ball on the front end of their spines, and how are you going to hit that when it's imbedded in a six-foot skull?

	The only safe rule with dinosaur is: always try for a heart shot. They have big hearts, over a hundred pounds in the largest species, and a couple of .600 slugs through the heart will slow them up, at least. The problem is to get the slugs through that mountain of meat around it.

-

	Well, we appeared at Prochaska's laboratory one rainy morning: James and Holtzinger, the Raja and I, our herder Beauregard Black, three helpers, a cook, and twelve jacks.

	The transition chamber is a little cubbyhole the size of a small lift. My routine is for the men with the guns to go first, in case a hungry theropod is standing near the machine when it arrives. So the two sahibs, the Raja, and I crowded into the chamber with our guns and packs. The operator squeezed in after us, closed the door, and fiddled with his dials. He set the thing for April twenty-fourth, eighty-five million B.C., and pressed the red button. The lights went out, leaving the chamber lit by a little battery-operated lamp. James and Holtzinger looked pretty green, but that may have been the lighting. The Raja and I had been through all this before, so the vibration and vertigo didn't bother us.

	The little spinning black hands of the dials slowed down and stopped. The-operator looked at his ground-level gage and turned the handwheel that raised the chamber so it shouldn't materialize underground. Then he pressed another button, and the door slid open.

	No matter how often I do it, I get a frightful thrill out of stepping into a bygone era. The operator had raised the chamber a foot above ground level, so I jumped down, my gun ready. The others came after.

	"Right-ho," I said to the chamber wallah, and he closed the door. The chamber disappeared, and we looked around. There weren't any dinosaur in sight, nothing but lizards.

	In this period, the chamber materializes on top of a rocky rise, from which you can see in all directions as far as the haze will let you. To the west, you see the arm of the Kansas Sea that reaches across Missouri and the big swamp around „ the bayhead where the sauropods live.

	To the north is a low range that the Raja named the Janpur Hills, after the Indian kingdom his forebears once ruled. To the east, the land slopes up to a plateau, good for ceratopsians, while to the south is flat country with more sauropod swamps and lots of ornithopod: duckbill and iguanodont.

	The finest thing about the Cretaceous is the climate: balmy, like the South Sea Islands, but not so muggy as most Jurassic climates. It was spring, with dwarf magnolias in bloom all over.

	A thing about this landscape is that it combines a fairly high rainfall with an open type of vegetation cover. That is, the grasses hadn't yet evolved to the point of forming solid carpets over all the open ground. So the ground is thick with laurel, sassafras, and other shrubs, with bare earth between. There are big thickets of palmettos and ferns. The trees round the hill are mostly cycads, standing singly and in copses. You'd call 'em palms. Down towards the Kansas Sea are more cycads and willows, while the uplands are covered with screw pine and ginkgoes.

	Now, I'm no bloody poet — the Raja writes the stuff, not me . — but I can appreciate a beautiful scene. One of the helpers had come through the machine with two of the jacks and was pegging them out, and I was looking through the haze and sniffing the air, when a gun went off behind me — bang! bang!

	I whirled round, and there was Courtney James with his .500, and an ornithomime legging it for cover fifty yards away. The ornithomimes are medium-sized running dinosaurs, slender things with long necks and legs, like a cross between a lizard and an ostrich. This kind is about seven feet tall and weighs as much as a man. The beggar had wandered out of the nearest copse, and James gave him both barrels. Missed.

	I was upset, as trigger-happy sahibs are as much a menace to their party as theropods. I yelled: "Damn it, you idiot! I thought you weren't to shoot without a word from me?"

	"And who the hell are you, to tell me when I'll shoot my own gun?" he said.

	We had a rare old row until Holtzinger and the Raja got us calmed down. I explained:

	"Look here, Mr. James, I've got reasons. If you shoot off all your ammunition before the trip's over, your gun won't be available in a pinch, as it's the only one of its caliber. If you empty both barrels at an unimportant target, what would happen if a big theropod charged before you could reload? Finally, it's not sporting to shoot everything in sight, just to hear the gun go off. Do you understand?"

	"Yeah, I guess so," he said.

	The rest of the party came through the machine, and we pitched our camp a safe distance from the materializing place. Our first task was to get fresh meat. For a twenty-one-day safari like this, we calculate our food requirements closely, so we can make out on tinned stuff and concentrates if we must, but we count on killing at least one piece of meat. When that's butchered, we go off on a short tour, stopping at four or five camping places to hunt and arriving back at base a few days before the chamber is due to appear.

	Holtzinger, as I said, wanted a ceratopsian head, any kind. James insisted on just one head: a tyrannosaur. Then everybody'd think he'd shot the most dangerous game of all time.

	Fact is, the tyrannosaur's overrated. He's more a carrion eater than an active predator, though he'll snap you up if he gets the chance. He's less dangerous than some of the other theropods — the flesh eaters, you know — such as the smaller Gorgosaurus from the period we were in. But everybody's read about the tyrant lizard, and he does have the biggest head of the theropods.

	The one in our period isn't the rex, which is later and a bit bigger and more specialized. It's the trionyches, with the fore-limbs not quite so reduced, though they're still too small for anything but picking the brute's teeth after a meal.

-

	When camp was pitched, we still had the afternoon. So the Raja and I took our sahibs on their first hunt. We had a map of the local terrain from previous trips.

	The Raja and I have worked out a system for dinosaur hunting. We split into two groups of two men each and walk parallel from twenty to forty yards apart. Each group has a sahib in front and a guide following and telling him where to go. We tell the sahibs we put them in front so they shall have the first shot. Well, that's true, but another reason is they're always tripping and falling with their guns cocked, and if the guide were in front he'd get shot.

	The reason for two groups is that, if a dinosaur starts for one, the other gets a good heart shot from the side.

	As we walked, there was the usual rustle of lizards scuttling out of the way: little fellows, quick as a flash and colored like all the jewels in Tiffany's, and big gray ones that hiss at you as they plod off. There were tortoises and a few little snakes. Birds with beaks full of teeth flapped off squawking. And always there was that marvelous mild Cretaceous air. Makes a chap want to take his clothes off and dance with vine leaves in his hair, if you know what I mean.

	Our sahibs soon found that Mesozoic country is cut up into millions of nullahs — gullies, you'd say. Walking is one long scramble, up and down, up and down.

	We'd been scrambling for an hour, and the sahibs were soaked with sweat and had their tongues hanging out, when the Raja whistled. He'd spotted a group of bonehead feeding on cycad shoots.

	These are the troodonts, small ornithopods about the size of men with a bulge on top of their heads that makes them look almost intelligent. Means nothing, because the bulge is solid bone. The males butt each other with these heads in fighting over the females.

	These chaps would drop down on all fours, munch up a shoot, then stand up and look around. They're warier than most dinosaur, because they're the favorite food of the big theropods.

	People sometimes assume that, because dinosaur are so stupid, their senses must be dim, too. But it's not so. Some, like the sauropods, are pretty dim-sensed, but most have good smell and eyesight and fair hearing. Their weakness is that, having no minds, they have no memories. Hence, out of sight, out of mind. When a big theropod comes slavering after you, your best defense is to hide in a nullah or behind a bush, and if he can neither see you nor smell you he'll just wander off.

	We skulked up behind a patch of palmetto downwind from the bonehead. I whispered to James:

	"You've had a shot already today. Hold your fire until Holtzinger shoots, and then shoot only if he misses or if the beast is getting away wounded."

	"Uh-huh," said James.

	We separated, he with the Raja and Holtzinger with me. This got to be our regular arrangement. James and I got on each other's nerves, but the Raja's a friendly, sentimental sort of bloke nobody can help liking.

	We crawled round the palmetto patch on opposite sides, and Holtzinger got up to shoot. You daren't shoot a heavy-caliber rifle prone. There's not enough give, and the kick can break your shoulder.

	Holtzinger sighted round the last few fronds of palmetto. I saw his barrel wobbling and waving. Then he lowered his gun and tucked it under his arm to wipe his glasses.

	Off went James's gun, both barrels again.

	The biggest bonehead went down, rolling and thrashing. The others ran away on their hindlegs in great leaps, their heads jerking and their tails sticking up behind.

	"Put your gun on safety," I said to Holtzinger, who'd started forward. By the time we got to the bonehead, James was standing over it, breaking open his gun and blowing out the barrels. He looked as smug as if he'd come into another million and was asking the Raja to take his picture with his foot on the game.

	I said: "I thought you were to give Holtzinger the first shot?"

	"Hell, I waited," he said, "and he took so long I thought he must have gotten buck fever. If we stood around long enough, they'd see us or smell us."

	There was something in what he said, but his way of saying it put my monkey up. I said: "If that sort of thing happens once more, we'll leave you in camp the next time we go out."

	"Now, gentlemen," said the Raja. "After all, Reggie, these aren't experienced hunters."

	"What now?" said Holtzinger. "Haul him back ourselves or send out the men?"

	"We'll sling him under the pole," I said. "He weighs under two hundred."

	The pole was a telescoping aluminium carrying pole I had in my pack, with padded yokes on the ends. I brought it because, in such eras, you can't count on finding saplings strong enough for proper poles on the spot.

	The Raja and I cleaned our bonehead, to lighten him, and tied him to the pole. The flies began to light on the offal by thousands. Scientists say they're not true flies in the modern sense, but they look and act like flies. There's one huge four-winged carrion fly that flies with a distinctive deep thrumming note.

	The rest of the afternoon we sweated under that pole, taking turn about. The lizards scuttled out of the way, and the flies buzzed round the carcass.

	We got to camp just before sunset, feeling as if we could eat the whole bonehead at one meal. The boys had the camp running smoothly, so we sat down for our tot of whiskey feeling like lords of creation, while the cook broiled bonehead steaks.

	Holtzinger said: "Uh — if I kill a ceratopsian, how do we get his head back?"

	I explained: "If the ground permits, we lash it to the patent aluminium roller frame and sled it in."

	"How much does a head like that weigh?" he asked.

	"Depends on the age and the species," I told him. "The biggest weigh over a ton, but most run between five hundred and a thousand pounds."

	"And all the ground's rough like it was today?"

	"Most of it," I said. "You see, it's the combination of the open vegetation cover and the moderately high rainfall. Erosion is frightfully rapid."

	"And who hauls the head on its little sled?"

	"Everybody with a hand," I said. "A big head would need every ounce of muscle in this party. On such a job there's no place for side."

	"Oh," said Holtzinger. I could see he was wondering whether a ceratopsian head would be worth the effort.

	The next couple of days we trekked round the neighborhood. Nothing worth shooting; only a herd of ornithomimes, which went bounding off like a lot of ballet dancers. Otherwise there were only the usual lizards and pterosaurs and birds and insects. There's a big lace-winged fly that bites dinosaurs; so, as you can imagine, its beak makes nothing of a human skin. One made Holtzinger leap and dance like a Red Indian when it bit him through his shirt. James joshed him about it, saying:

	"What's all the fuss over one little bug?"

	The second night, during the Raja's watch, James gave a yell that brought us all out of our tents with rifles. All that had happened was that a dinosaur tick had crawled in with him and started drilling under his armpit. Since it's as big as your thumb even when it hasn't fed, he was understandably startled. Luckily he got it before it had taken its pint of blood. He'd pulled Holtzinger's leg pretty hard about the fly bite, so now Holtzinger repeated the words:

	"What's all the fuss over one little bug, buddy?"

	James squashed the tick underfoot with a grunt, not much liking to be hoist by his own what-d'you-call-it.

-

	We packed up and started on our circuit. We meant to take the sahibs first to the sauropod swamp, more to see the wildlife than to collect anything.

	From where the transition chamber materializes, the sauropod swamp looks like a couple of hours' walk, but it's really an all-day scramble. The first part is easy, as it's downhill and the brush isn't heavy. Then, as you get near the swamp, the cycads and willows grow so thickly that you have to worm your way among them.

	I led the party to a sandy ridge on the border of the swamp, as it was pretty bare of vegetation and afforded a fine view. When we got to the ridge, the sun was' about to go down. A couple of crocs slipped off into the water. The sahibs were so tired that they flopped down in the sand as if dead.

	The haze is thick round the swamp, so the sun was deep red and weirdly distorted by the atmospheric layers. There was a high layer of clouds reflecting the red and gold of the sun, too, so altogether it was something for the Raja to write one of his poems about. A few little pterosaur were wheeling overhead like bats.

	Beauregard Black got a fire going. We'd started on our steaks, and that pagoda-shaped sun was just slipping below the horizon, and something back in the trees was making a noise like a rusty hinge, when a sauropod breathed out in the water. They're the really big ones, you know. If Mother Earth were to sigh over the misdeeds of her children, it would sound like that.

	The sahibs jumped up, shouting: "Where is he? Where is he?"

	I said: "That black spot in the water, just to the left of that point."

	They yammered while the sauropod filled its lungs and disappeared. "Is that all?" said James. "Won't we see any more of him?"

	Holtzinger said: "I read that they never come out of the water because they're too heavy to walk."

	"No," I explained. "They can walk perfectly well and often do, for egg-laying and moving from one swamp to another. But most of the time they spend in the water, like hippopotamus. They eat eight hundred pounds of soft swamp plants a day, all through those little heads. So they wander about the bottoms of lakes and swamps, chomping away, and stick their heads up to breathe every quarter-hour or so. It's getting dark, so this fellow will soon come out and lie down in the shallows to sleep."

	"Can we shoot one?" demanded James. "I wouldn't," said I. 

	"Why not?"

	I said: "There's no point in it, and it's not sporting. First, they're almost invulnerable. They're even harder to hit in the brain than other dinosaurs because of the way they sway then-heads about on those long necks. Their hearts are too deeply buried to reach unless you're awfully lucky. Then, if you kill one in the water, he sinks and can't be recovered. If you kill one on land, the only trophy is that Utile head. You can't bring the whole beast back because he weighs thirty ton or more, and we've got no use for thirty tons of meat."

	Holtzinger said: "That museum in New York got one."

	"Yes," said I. "The American Museum of Natural History sent a party of forty-eight to the Early Cretaceous, with a fifty-caliber machine gun. They killed a sauropod and spent two solid months skinning it and hacking the carcass apart and dragging it to the time machine. I know the chap in charge of that project, and he still has nightmares in which he smells decomposing dinosaur. They had to kill a dozen big theropods attracted by the stench, so they had them lying around and rotting, too. And the theropods ate three men of the party despite the big gun."

	Next morning, we were finishing breakfast when one of the helpers said: "Look, Mr. Rivers, up there!"

	He pointed along the shore line. There were six big crested duckbill, feeding in the shallows. They were the kind called Parasaurolophus, with a long spike sticking out the back of their heads and a web of skin connecting this with the back of their necks.

	"Keep your voices down!" I said. The duckbill, like the other ornithopods, are wary beasts because they have neither armor nor weapons. They feed on the margins of lakes and swamps, and when a gorgosaur rushes out of the trees they plunge into deep water and swim off. Then when Phobosuchus, the super-crocodile, goes for them in the water, they flee to the land. A hectic sort of life, what?

	Holtzinger said: "Uh — Reggie! I've been thinking over what you said about ceratopsian heads. If I could get one of those yonder, I'd be satisfied. It would look big enough in my house, wouldn't it?"

	"I'm sure of it, old boy," I said. "Now look here. We could detour to come out on the shore near here, but we should have to plow through half a mile of muck and brush, and they'd hear us coming. Or we can creep up to the north end of this sandspit, from which it's three or four hundred yards — a long shot but not impossible. Think you could do it?"

	"Hm," said Holtzinger. "With my 'scope sight and a sitting position — okay, I'll try it."

	"You stay here, Court," I said to James. "This is Augie's head, and I don't want any argument over your having fired first."

	James grunted while Holtzinger clamped his 'scope to his rifle. We crouched our way up the spit, keeping the sand ridge between us and the duckbill. When we got to the end, where there was no more cover, we crept along on hands and knees, moving slowly. If you move slowly enough, directly towards or away from a dinosaur, it probably won't notice you.

	The duckbill continued to grub about on all fours, every few seconds rising to look round. Holtzinger eased himself into the sitting position, cocked his piece, and aimed through his 'scope. And then —

	Bang! bang! went a big rifle back at the camp.

	Holtzinger jumped. The duckbill jerked their heads up and leaped for the deep water, splashing like mad. Holtzinger fired once and missed. I took one shot at the last duckbill before it vanished, too, but missed. The .600 isn't built for long ranges.

	Holtzinger and I started back towards the camp, for it had struck us that our party might be in theropod trouble.

	What had happened was that a big sauropod had wandered down past the camp under water, feeding as it went. Now, the water shoaled about a hundred yards offshore from our spit, halfway over to the swamp on the other side. The sauropod had ambled up the slope until its body was almost all out of water, weaving its head from side to side and looking for anything green to gobble. This is a species of Alamosaurus, which looks much like the well-known Brontosaurus except that it's bigger.

	When I came in sight of the camp, the sauropod was turning round to go back the way it had come, making horrid groans. By the time we reached the camp, it had disappeared into deep water, all but its head and twenty feet of neck, which wove about for some time before they vanished into the haze.

	When we came up to the camp, James was arguing with the Raja. Holtzinger burst out:

	"You crummy bastard! That's the second time you've spoiled my shots."

	"Don't be a fool," said James. "I couldn't let him wander into the camp and stamp everything flat."

	"There was no danger of that," said the Raja. "You can see the water is deep offshore. It's just that our trigger-happee Mr. James cannot see any animal without shooting."

	I added: "If it did get close, all you needed to do was throw a stick of firewood at it. They're perfectly harmless."

	This wasn't strictly true. When the Comte de Lautrec ran after one for a close shot, the sauropod looked back at him, gave a flick of its tail, and took off the Comte's head as neatly as if he'd been axed in the tower. But, as a rule, they're inoffensive enough.

	"How was I to know?" yelled James, turning purple. "You're all against me. What the hell are we on this miserable trip for, except to shoot things? Call yourselves hunters, but I'm the only one who hits anything!"

	I got pretty wrothy and said he was just an excitable young skite with more money than brains, whom I should never have brought along.

	"If that's how you feel," he said, "give me a burro and some food, and I'll go back to the base by myself. I won't pollute your pure air with my presence!"

	"Don't be a bigger ass than you can help," I said. "What you propose is quite impossible."

	"Then I'll go alone!" He grabbed his knapsack, thrust a couple of tins of beans and an opener into it, and started off with his rifle.

	Beauregard Black spoke up: "Mr. Rivers, we cain't let him go off like that. He'll git lost and starve, or be et by a theropod."

	"I'll fetch him back," said the Raja, and started after the runaway.

	He caught up with James as the latter was disappearing into the cycads. We could see them arguing and waving their hands in the distance. After a while, they started back with arms around each other's necks like old school pals.

	This shows the trouble we get into if we make mistakes in planning such a do. Having once got back in time, we had to make the best of our bargain.

	I don't want to give the impression, however, that Courtney James was nothing but a pain in the rump. He had good points. He got over these rows quickly and next day would be as cheerful as ever. He was helpful with the general work of the camp, at least when he felt like it. He sang well and had an endless fund of dirty stories to keep us amused.

	We stayed two more days at that camp. We saw crocodile, the small kind, and plenty of sauropod — as many as five at once — but no more duckbill. Nor any of those fifty-foot super-crocodiles.

-

	So, on the first of May, we broke camp and headed north towards the Janpur Hills. My sahibs were beginning to harden up and were getting impatient. We'd been in the Cretaceous a week, and no trophies.

	We saw nothing to speak of on the next leg, save a glimpse of a gorgosaur out of range and some tracks indicating a whopping big iguanodont, twenty-five or thirty feet high. We pitched camp at the base of the hills.

	We'd finished off the bonehead, so the first thing was to shoot fresh meat. With an eye to trophies, too, of course. We got ready the morning of the third, and I told James:

	"See here, old boy, no more of your tricks. The Raja will tell you when to shoot."

	"Uh-huh, I get you," he said, meek as Moses.

	We marched off, the four of us, into the foothills. There was a good chance of getting Holtzinger his ceratopsian. We'd seen a couple on the way up, but mere calves without decent horns.

	As it was hot and sticky, we were soon panting and sweating. We'd hiked and scrambled all morning without seeing a thing except lizards, when I picked up the smell of carrion. I stopped the party and sniffed. We were in an open glade cut up by those little dry nullahs. The nullahs ran together into a couple of deeper gorges that cut through a slight depression choked with denser growth, cycad and screw pine. When I listened, I heard the thrum of carrion flies.

	"This way," I said. "Something ought to be dead — ah, here it is!"

	And there it was: the remains of a huge ceratopsian lying in a little hollow on the edge of the copse. Must have weighed six or eight ton alive; a three-horned variety, perhaps the penultimate species of Triceratops. It was hard to tell, because most of the hide on the upper surface had been ripped off, and many bones had been pulled loose and lay scattered about.

	Holtzinger said: "Oh, shucks! Why couldn't I have gotten to him before he died? That would have been a darned fine head."

	I said: "On your toes, chaps. A theropod's been at this carcass and is probably nearby."

	"How d'you know?" said James, with sweat running off his round red face. He spoke in what was for him a low voice, because a nearby theropod is a sobering thought to the flightiest.

	I sniffed again and thought I could detect the distinctive rank odor of theropod. I couldn't be sure, though, because the carcass stank so strongly. My sahibs were turning green at the sight and smell of the cadaver. I told James:

	"It's seldom that even the biggest theropod will attack a full-grown ceratopsian. Those horns are too much for them. But they love a dead or dying one. They'll hang round a dead ceratopsian for weeks, gorging and then sleeping off their meals for days at a time. They usually take cover in the heat of the day anyhow, because they can't stand much direct hot sunlight. You'll find them lying in copses like this or in hollows, wherever there's shade."

	"What'll we do?" asked Holtzinger.

	"We'll make our first cast through this copse, in two pairs as usual. Whatever you do, don't get impulsive or panicky."

	I looked at Courtney James, but he looked right back and merely checked his gun.

	"Should I still carry this broken?" he asked.

	"No; close it, but keep the safety on till you're ready to shoot," I said. "We'll keep closer than usual, so we shall be in sight of each other. Start off at that angle, Raja; go slowly, and stop to listen between steps."

	We pushed through the edge of the copse, leaving the carcass but not its stench behind us. For a few feet, you couldn't see a thing.

	It opened out as we got in under the trees, which shaded out some of the brush. The sun slanted down through the I trees. I could hear nothing but the hum of insects and the scuttle of lizards and the squawks of toothed birds in the treetops. I thought I could be sure of the theropod smell, but told myself that might be imagination. The theropod might be any of several species, large or small, and the beast itself might be anywhere within a half-mile's radius.

	"Go on," I whispered to Holtzinger. I could hear James and the Raja pushing ahead on my right and see the palm fronds and ferns lashing about as they disturbed them. I suppose they were trying to move quietly, but to me they sounded like an earthquake in a crockery shop.

	"A little closer!" I called.

	Presently, they appeared slanting in towards me. We dropped into a gully filled with ferns and scrambled up the other side. Then we found our way blocked by a big clump of palmetto.

	"You go round that side; we'll go round this," I said. We started off, stopping to listen and smell. Our positions were the same as on that first day, when James killed the bonehead.

	We'd gone two-thirds of the way round our half of the palmetto, when I heard a noise ahead on our left. Holtzinger heard it, too, and pushed off his safety. I put my thumb on mine and stepped to one side to have a clear field of fire.

	The clatter grew louder. I raised my gun to aim at about the height of a big theropod's heart. There was a movement in the foliage — and a six-foot-high bonehead stepped into view, walking solemnly across our front and jerking its head with each step like a giant pigeon.

	I heard Holtzinger let out a breath and had to keep myself from laughing. Holtzinger said: "Uh —"

	Then that damned gun of James's went off, bang! bang! I had a glimpse of the bonehead knocked arsy-varsy with its tail and hindlegs flying.

	"Got him!" yelled James. "I drilled him clean!" I heard him run forward.

	"Good God, if he hasn't done it again!" I said.

	Then there was a great swishing of foliage and a wild yell from James. Something heaved up out of the shrubbery, and I saw the head of the biggest of the local flesh-eaters, Tyrannosaurus trionyches himself.

	The scientists can insist that rex is the bigger species, but I'll swear this blighter was bigger than any rex ever hatched. It must have stood twenty feet high and been fifty feet long. I could see its big bright eye and six-inch teeth and the big dewlap that hangs down from its chin to its chest.

	The second of the nullahs that cut through the copse ran athwart our path on the far side of the palmetto clump. Perhaps it was six feet deep. The tyrannosaur had been lying in this, sleeping off its last meal. Where its back stuck up above the ground level, the ferns on the edge of the nullah masked it. James had fired both barrels over the theropod's head and woke it up. Then the silly ass ran forward without reloading. Another twenty feet and he'd have stepped on the tyrannosaur.

	James, naturally, stopped when this thing' popped up in front of him. He remembered that he'd fired both barrels and that he'd left the Raja too far behind for a clear shot.

	At first, James kept his nerve. He broke open his gun, took two rounds from his belt, and plugged them into the barrels. But, in his haste to snap the gun shut, he caught his hand between the barrels and the action. The painful pinch so startled James that he dropped his gun. Then he went to pieces and bolted.

	The Raja was running up with his gun at high port, ready to snap it to his shoulder the instant he got a clear view. When he saw James running headlong towards him, he hesitated, not wishing to shoot James by accident. The latter plunged ahead, blundered into the Raja, and sent them both sprawling among the ferns. The tyrannosaur collected what little wits it had and stepped forward to snap them up.

	And how about Holtzinger and me on the other side of the palmettos? Well, the instant James yelled and the tyrannosaur's head appeared, Holtzinger darted forward like a rabbit. I'd brought my gun up for a shot at the tyrannosaur's head, in hope of getting at least an eye; but, before I could find it in my sights, the head was out of sight behind the palmettos. Perhaps I should have fired at hazard, but all my experience is against wild shots.

	When I looked back in front of me, Holtzinger had already disappeared round the curve of the palmetto clump. I'd started after him when I heard his rifle and the click of the bolt between shots: bang — click-click — bang — click-click, like that.

	He'd come up on the tyrannosaur's quarter as the brute started to stoop for James and the Raja. With his muzzle twenty feet from the tyrannosaur's hide, Holtzinger began pumping .375s into the beast's body. He got off three shots when the tyrannosaur gave a tremendous booming grunt and wheeled round to see what was stinging it. The jaws came open, and the head swung round and down again.

	Holtzinger got off one more shot and tried to leap to one side. As he was standing on a narrow place between the palmetto clump and the nullah, he fell into the nullah. The tyrannosaur continued its lunge and caught him. The jaws went chomp, and up came the head with poor Holtzinger in them, screaming like a damned soul.

	I came up just then and aimed at the brute's face, but then realized that its jaws were full of my sahib and I should be shooting him, too. As the head went on up, like the business end of a big power shovel, I fired a shot at the heart. The tyrannosaur was already turning away, and I suspect the ball just glanced along the ribs. The beast took a couple of steps when I gave it the other barrel in the jack. It staggered on its next step but kept on. Another step, and it was nearly out of sight among the trees, when the Raja fired twice. The stout fellow had untangled himself from James, got up, picked up his gun, and let the tyrannosaur have it.

	The double wallop knocked the brute over with a tremendous crash. It fell into a dwarf magnolia, and I saw one of its huge birdlike hindlegs waving in the midst of a shower of pink-and-white petals. But the tyrannosaur got up again and blundered off without even dropping its victim. The last I saw of it was Holtzinger's legs dangling out one side of its jaws (he'd stopped screaming) and its big tail banging against the tree trunks as it swung from side to side.

	The Raja and I reloaded and ran after the brute for all we were worth. I tripped and fell once, but jumped up again and didn't notice my skinned elbow till later. When we burst out of the copse, the tyrannosaur was already at the far end of the glade. We each took a quick shot but probably missed, and it was out of sight before we could fire again.

	We ran on, following the tracks and spatters of blood, until we had to stop from exhaustion. Never again did we see that tyrannosaur. Their movements look slow and ponderous, but with those tremendous legs they don't have to step very fast to work up considerable speed.

	When we'd got our breath, we got up and tried to track the tyrannosaur, on the theory that it might be dying and we should come up to it. But, though we found more spoor, it faded out and left us at a loss. We circled round, hoping to pick it up, but no luck.

	Hours later, we gave up and went back to the glade.

-

	Courtney James was sitting with his back against a tree, holding his rifle and Holtzinger's. His right hand was swollen and blue where he'd pinched it, but still usable. His first words were:

	"Where the hell have you two been?"

	I said: "We've been occupied. The late Mr. Holtzinger. Remember?"

	"You shouldn't have gone off and left me; another of those things might have come along. Isn't it bad enough to lose one hunter through your stupidity without risking another one?"

	I'd been preparing a warm wigging for James, but his attack so astonished me that I could only bleat: "What? We lost ... ?"

	"Sure," he said. "You put us in front of you, so if anybody gets eaten it's us. You send a guy up against these animals undergunned. You —"

	"You God-damn' stinking little swine!" I said. "If you hadn't been a blithering idiot and blown those two barrels, and then run like the yellow coward you are, this never would have happened. Holtzinger died trying to save your worthless life. By God, I wish he'd failed! He was worth six of a stupid, spoiled, muttonheaded bastard like you —"

	I went on from there. The Raja tried to keep up with me, but ran out of English and was reduced to cursing James in Hindustani.

	I could see by the purple color on James's face that I was getting home. He said: "Why, you —"and stepped forward and sloshed me one in the face with his left fist.

	It rocked me a bit, but I said: "Now then, my lad, I'm glad you did that! It gives me a chance I've been waiting for ..."

	So I waded into him. He was a good-sized boy, but between my sixteen stone and his sore right hand he had no chance. I got a few good ones home, and down he went.

	"Now get up!" I said. "And I'll be glad to finish off!"

	James raised himself to his elbows. I got set for more fisticuffs, though my knuckles were skinned and bleeding already. James rolled over, snatched his gun, and scrambled up, swinging the muzzle from one to the other of us.

	"You won't finish anybody off!" he panted through swollen lips. "All right, put your hands up! Both of you!"

	"Do not be an idiot," said the Raja. "Put that gun away!"

	"Nobody treats me like that and gets away with it!"

	"There's no use murdering us," I said. "You'd never get away with it."

	"Why not? There won't be much left of you after one of these hits you. I'll just say the tyrannosaur ate you, too. Nobody could prove anything. They can't hold you for a murder eighty-five million years old. The statute of limitations, you know."

	"You fool, you'd never make it back to the camp alive!" I shouted.

	"I'll take a chance —"began James, setting the butt of his .500 against his shoulder, with the barrels pointed at my face. Looked like a pair of bleeding vehicular tunnels.

	He was watching me so closely that he lost track of the Raja for a second. My partner had been resting on one knee, and now his right arm came up in a quick bowling motion with a three-pound rock. The rock bounced off James's head. The .500 went off. The ball must have parted my hair, and the explosion jolly well near broke my eardrums. Down went James again.

	"Good work, old chap!" I said, gathering up James's gun.

	"Yes," said the Raja thoughtfully, as he picked up the rock he'd thrown and tossed it. "Doesn't quite have the balance of a cricket ball, but it is just as hard."

	"What shall we do now?" I said. "I'm inclined to leave the beggar here unarmed and let him fend for himself."

	The Raja gave a little sigh. "It's a tempting thought, Reggie; but we really cannot, you know. Not done."

	"I suppose you're right," I said. "Well, let's tie him up and take him back to camp."

	We agreed there was no safety for us unless we kept James under guard every minute until we got home. Once a man has tried to kill you, you're a fool if you give him another chance.

	We marched James back to camp and told the crew what we were up against. James cursed everybody.

	We spent three dismal days combing the country for that tyrannosaur, but no luck. We felt it wouldn't have been cricket not to make a good try at recovering Holtzinger's remains. Back at our main camp, when it wasn't raining, we collected small reptiles and things for our scientific friends. The Raja and I discussed the question of legal proceedings against Courtney James, but decided there was nothing we could do in that direction.

	When the transition chamber materialized, we fell over one another getting into it. We dumped James, still tied, in a corner, and told the chamber operator to throw the switches.

	While we were in transition, James said: "You two should have killed me back there."

	"Why?" I said. "You don't have a particularly good head."

	The Raja added: "Wouldn't look at all well over a mantel."

	"You can laugh," said James, "but I'll get you some day. I'll find a way and get off scot-free."

	"My dear chap!" I said. "If there were some way to do it, I'd have you charged with Holtzinger's death. Look, you'd best leave well enough alone."

	When we came out in the present, we handed him his empty gun and his other gear, and off he went without a word. As he left, Holtzinger's girl, that Claire, rushed up crying: "Where is he? Where's August?"

	There was a bloody heart-rending scene, despite the Raja's skill at handling such situations.

	We took our men and beasts down to the old laboratory building that the university has fitted up as a serai for such expeditions. We paid everybody off and found we were broke. The advance payments from Holtzinger and James didn't cover our expenses, and we should have precious little chance of collecting the rest of our fees either from James or from Holtzinger's estate.

	And speaking of James, d'you know what that blighter was doing? He went home, got more ammunition, and came back to the university. He hunted up Professor Prochaska and asked him:

	"Professor, I'd like you to send me back to the Cretaceous for a quick trip. If you can work me into your schedule right now, you can just about name your own price. I'll offer five thousand to begin with. I want to go to April twenty-third, eighty-five million B.C."

	Prochaska answered: "Why do you wish to go back again so soon?"

	"I lost my wallet in the Cretaceous," said James. "I figure if I go back to the day before I arrived in that era on my last trip, I'll watch myself when I arrived on that trip and follow myself around till I see myself lose the wallet."

	"Five thousand is a lot for a wallet," said the professor.

	"It's got some things in it I can't replace," said James.

	"Well," said Prochaska, thinking. "The party that was supposed to go out this morning has telephoned that they would be late, so perhaps I can work you in. I have always wondered what would happen when the same man occupied the same stretch of time twice."

	So James wrote out a check, and Prochaska took him to the chamber and saw him off. James's idea, it seems, was to sit behind a bush a few yards from where the transition chamber would appear and pot the Raja and me as we emerged.

-

	Hours later, we'd changed into our street clothes and 'phoned our wives to come and get us. We were standing on Forsythe Boulevard waiting for them when there was a loud crack, like an explosion, and a flash of light not fifty feet from us. The shock wave staggered us and broke windows.

	We ran towards the place and got there just as a bobby and several citizens came up. On the boulevard, just off the kerb, lay a human body. At least, it had been that, but it looked as if every bone in it had been pulverized and every blood vessel burst, so it was hardly more than a slimy mass of pink protoplasm. The clothes it had been wearing were shredded, but I recognized an H. & H. .500 double-barreled express rifle. The wood was scorched and the metal pitted, but it was Courtney James's gun. No doubt whatever.

	Skipping the investigations and the milling about that ensued, what had happened was this: Nobody had shot at us as we emerged on the twenty-fourth, and that couldn't be changed. For that matter, the instant James started to do anything that would make a visible change in the world of eighty-five million B.C., such as making a footprint in the earth, the space-time forces snapped him forward to the present to prevent a paradox. And the violence of the passage practically tore him to bits.

	Now that this is better understood, the professor won't send anybody to a period less than five thousand years prior to the time that some time-traveler has already explored, because it would be too easy to do some act, like chopping down a tree or losing some durable artifact, that would affect the later world. Over longer periods, he tells me, such changes average out and are lost in the stream of time.

	We had a rough time after that, with the bad publicity and all, though we did collect a fee from James's estate. Luckily for us, a steel manufacturer turned up who wanted a mastodon's head for his den.

	I understand these things better, now, too. The disaster hadn't been wholly James's fault. I shouldn't have taken him when I knew what a spoiled, unstable sort of bloke he was. And, if Holtzinger could have used a really heavy gun, he'd probably have knocked the tyrannosaur down, even if he didn't kill it, and so have given the rest of us a chance to finish it.

	So, Mr. Seligman, that's why I won't take you to that period to hunt. There are plenty of other eras, and if you look them over I'm sure you'll find something to suit you. But not the Jurassic or the Cretaceous. You're just not big enough to handle a gun for dinosaur.

-

Aristotle and the Gun

From:
Sherman Weaver, Librarian 
The Palace 
Paumanok, Sewanhaki 
Sachimate of Lenape 
Flower Moon 3, 3097

To:
	Messire Markos Koukidas
	Consulate of the Balkan Commonwealth
	Kataapa, Muskhogian Federation

My dear Consul:

	You have no doubt heard of our glorious victory at Ptaksit, when our noble Sachim destroyed the armored chivalry of the Mengwe by the brilliant use of pikemen and archery. (I suggested it to him years ago, but never mind.) Sagoyewatha and most of his Senecas fell, and the Oneidas broke before our countercharge. The envoys from the Grand Council of the Long House arrive tomorrow for a peace-pauwau. The roads to the South are open again, so I send you my long-promised account of the events that brought me from my own world into this one.

	If you could have stayed longer on your last visit, I think I could have made the matter clear, despite the language difficulty and my hardness of hearing. But perhaps, if I give you a simple narrative, in the order in which things happened to me, truth will transpire.

	Know, then, that I was born into a world that looks like this one on the map, but is very different as regards human affairs. I tried to tell you of some of the triumphs of our natural philosophers, of our machines and discoveries. No doubt you thought me a first-class liar, though you were too polite to say so.

	Nonetheless, my tale is true, though for reasons that will appear I cannot prove it. I was one of those natural philosophers. I commanded a group of younger philosophers, engaged in a task called a project, at a center of learning named Brookhaven, on the south shore of Sewanhaki twenty parasangs east of Paumanok. Paumanok itself was known as Brooklyn, and formed part of an even larger city called New York.

	My project had to do with the study of space-time. (Never mind what that means but read on.) At this center we had learned to get vast amounts of power from sea water by what we called a fusion process. By this process we could concentrate so much power in a small space that we could warp the entity called space-time and cause things to travel in time as our other machines traveled in space.

	When our calculations showed that we could theoretically hurl an object back in time, we began to build a machine for testing this hypothesis. First we built a small pilot model. In this we sent small objects back in time for short periods.

	We began with inanimate objects. Then we found that a rabbit or rat could also be projected without harm. The time-translation would not be permanent; rather, it acted like one of these rubber balls the Hesperians play games with. The object would stay in the desired time for a period determined by the power used to project it and its own mass, and would then return spontaneously to the time and place from which it started.

	We had reported our progress regularly, but my chief had other matters on his mind and did not read our reports for many months. When he got a report saying that we were completing a machine to hurl human beings back in time, however, he awoke to what was going on, read our previous reports, and called me in.

	"Sherm," he said, "I've been discussing this project with Washington, and I'm afraid they take a dim view of it."

	"Why?" said I, astonished.

	"Two reasons. For one thing, they think you've gone off, the reservation. They're much more interested in the Antarctic Reclamation Project and want to concentrate all our appropriations and brain power on it.

	"For another, they're frankly scared of this time machine of yours. Suppose you went back, say, to the time of Alexander the Great and shot Alexander before he got started? That would change all later history, and we'd go out like candles."

	"Ridiculous," I said.

	"What, what would happen?"

	"Our equations are not conclusive, but there are several possibilities. As you will see if you read Report No. 9, it depends on whether space-time has a positive or negative curvature. If positive, any disturbance in the past tends to be ironed out in subsequent history, so that things become more and more nearly identical with what they would have been anyway. If negative, then events will diverge more and more from their original pattern with time.

	"Now,. as I showed in this report, the chances are overwhelmingly in favor of a positive curvature. However, we intend to take every precaution and make our first tests for short periods, with a minimum —"

	"That's enough," said my superior, holding up a hand. "It's very interesting, but the decision has already been made."

	"What do you mean?"

	"I mean Project A-257 is to be closed down and a final report written at once. The machines are to be dismantled, and the group will be put to work on another project."

	"What?" I shouted. "But you can't stop us just when we're on the verge —"

	"I'm sorry, Sherm, but I can. That's what the AEC decided at yesterday's meeting. It hasn't been officially announced, but they gave me positive orders to kill the project as soon as I got back here."

	"Of all the lousy, arbitrary, benighted —"

	"I know how you feel, but I have no choice."

	I lost my temper and defied him, threatening to go ahead with the project anyway. It was ridiculous, because he could easily dismiss me for insubordination. However, I knew he valued my ability and counted on his wanting to keep me for that reason. But he was clever enough to have his cake and eat it.

	"If that's how you feel," he said, "the section is abolished here and now. Your group will be broken up and assigned to other projects. You'll be kept on at your present rating with the title of consultant. Then when you're willing to talk sense, perhaps we can find you a suitable job."

	I stamped out of his office and went home to brood. I ought now to tell you something of myself. I am old enough to be objective, I hope. And, as I have but a few years left, there is no point in pretence.

	I have always been a solitary, misanthropic man. I had little interest in or liking of my fellow man, who naturally paid me back in the same coin. I was awkward and ill at ease in company. I had a genius for saying the wrong thing and making a fool of myself.

	I never understood people. Even when I watched and planned my own actions with the greatest care, I never could tell how others would react to them. To me men were and are an unpredictable, irrational, and dangerous species of hairless ape. While I could avoid some of my worst gaffes by keeping my own counsel and watching my every word, they did not like that either. They considered me a cold, stiff, unfriendly sort of person when I was only trying to be polite and avoid offending them.

	I never married. At the time of which I speak, I was verging on middle age without a single close friend and no more acquaintances than my professional work required.

	My only interest, outside my work, was a hobby of the history of science. Unlike most of my fellow philosophers, I was historically minded, with a good smattering of a classical education. I belonged to the History of Science Society and wrote papers on the history of science for its periodical Isis.

	I went back to my little rented house, feeling like Galileo. He was a scientist persecuted for his astronomical theories by the religious authorities of my world several centuries before my time, as Georg Schwartzhorn was a few years ago in this world's Europe.

	I felt I had been born too soon. If only the world were scientifically more advanced, my genius would be appreciated and my personal difficulties solved.

	Well, I thought, why is the world not scientifically more advanced? I reviewed the early growth of science. Why had not your fellow countrymen, when they made a start towards a scientific age two thousand to twenty-five hundred years ago, kept at it until they made science the self-supporting, self-accelerating thing it at last became — in my world, that is?

	I knew the answers that historians of science had worked out. One was the effect of slavery, which made work disgraceful to a free man and therefore made experiment and invention unattractive because they looked like work. Another was the primitive state of the mechanical arts: things like making clear glass and accurate measuring devices. Another was the Hellenes' fondness for spinning cosmic theories without enough facts to go on, the result of which was that most of their theories were wildly wrong.

	Well, thought I, could a man go back to this period and, by applying a stimulus at the right time and place, give the necessary push to set the whole trend rolling off in the right direction?

	People had written fantastic stories about a man's going back in time and overawing the natives by a display of the discoveries of his own later era. More often than not, such a time-traveling hero came to a bad end. The people of the earlier time killed him as a witch, or he met with an accident, or something happened to keep him from changing history. But, knowing these dangers, I could forestall them by careful planning.

	It would do little or no good to take back some major invention, like a printing press or an automobile, and turn it over to the ancients in the hope of grafting it on their culture. I could not teach them to work it in a reasonable time; and, if it broke down or ran out of supplies, there would be no way to get it running again.

	What I had to do was to find a key mind and implant in it an appreciation of sound scientific method. He would have to be somebody who would have been important in any event, or I could not count on his influence's spreading far and wide.

	After study of Sarton and other historians of science, I picked Aristotle. You have heard of him, have you not? He existed in your world just as he did in mine. In fact, up to Aristotle's time our worlds were one and the same.

	Aristotle was one of the greatest minds of all time. In my world, he was the first encyclopedist; the first man who tried to know everything, write down everything, and explain everything. He did much good original scientific work, too, mostly in biology.

	However, Aristotle tried to cover so much ground, and accepted so many fables as facts, that he did much harm to science as well as good. For, when a man of such colossal intellect goes wrong, he carries with him whole generations of weaker minds who cite him as an infallible authority. Like his colleagues, Aristotle never appreciated the need for constant verification. Thus, though he was married twice, he said that men have more teeth than women. He never thought to ask either of his wives to open her mouth for a count. He never grasped the need for invention and experiment.

	Now, if I could catch Aristotle at the right period of his career, perhaps I could give him a push in the right direction.

	When would that be? Normally, one would take him as a young man. But Aristotle's entire youth, from seventeen to thirty-seven, was spent in Athens listening to Plato's lectures. I did not wish to compete with Plato, an overpowering personality who could argue rings around anybody. His viewpoint was mystical and anti-scientific, the very thing I wanted to steer Aristotle away from. Many of Aristotle's intellectual vices can be traced back to Plato's influence.

	I did not think it wise to present myself in Athens either during Aristotle's early period, when he was a student under Plato, or later, when he headed his own school. I could not pass myself off as a Hellene, and the Hellenes of that time had a contempt for all non-Hellenes, who they called "barbarians." Aristotle was one of the worst offenders in this respect. Of course this is a universal human failing, but it was particularly virulent among Athenian intellectuals. In his later Athenian period, too, Aristotle's ideas would probably be too set with age to change.

	I concluded that my best chance would be to catch Aristotle while he was tutoring young Alexander the Great at the court of Philip the Second of Macedon. He would have regarded Macedon as a backward country, even though the court spoke Attic Greek. Perhaps he would be bored with bluff Macedonian stag-hunting squires and lonesome for intellectual company. As he would regard the Macedonians as the next thing to barbaroi, another barbarian would not appear at such a disadvantage there as at Athens.

	Of course, whatever I accomplished with Aristotle, the results would depend on the curvature of space-time. I had not been wholly frank with my superior. While the equations tended to favor the hypothesis of a positive curvature, the probability was not overwhelming as I claimed. Perhaps my efforts would have little effect on history, or perhaps the effect would grow and widen like ripples in a pool. In the latter case the existing world would, as my superior said, be snuffed out.

	Well, at that moment I hated the existing world and would not give a snap of my fingers for its destruction. I was going to create a much better one and come back from ancient times to enjoy it.

	Our previous experiments showed that I could project myself back to ancient Macedon with an accuracy of about two months temporally and a half-parasang spatially. The machine included controls for positioning the time traveler anywhere on the globe, and safety devices for locating him above the surface of the earth, not in a place already occupied by a solid object. The equations showed that I should stay in Macedon about nine weeks before being snapped back to the present.

	Once I had made up my mind, I worked as fast as I could. I telephoned my superior (you remember what a telephone is?) and made my peace. I said:

	"I know I was a damned fool, Fred, but this thing was my baby; my one chance to be a great and famous scientist. I might have got a Nobel prize out of it."

	"Sure, I know, Sherm," he said. "When are you coming back to the lab?"

	"Well — uh — what about my group?"

	"I held up the papers on that, in case you might change your mind. So if you come back, all will go on organization-wise as before."

	"You want that final report on A-257, don't you?" I said, trying to keep my voice level.

	"Sure."

	"Then don't let the mechanics start to dismantle the machines until I've written the report."

	"No; I've had the place locked up since yesterday."

	"Okay. I want to shut myself in with the apparatus and the data sheets for a while and bat out the report without being bothered."

	"That'll be fine," he said.

	My first step in getting ready for my journey was to buy a suit of classical traveler's clothing from a theatrical costume company. This comprised a knee-length pull-over tunic or chiton, a short horseman's cloak or chlamys, knitted buskins, sandals, a broad-brimmed black felt hat, and a staff. I stopped shaving, though I did not have time to raise a respectable beard.

	My auxiliary equipment included a purse of coinage of the time, mostly golden Macedonian staters. Some of these coins were genuine, bought from a numismatic supply house, but most were copies I cast myself in the laboratory at night. I made sure of being rich enough to live decently for longer than my nine weeks' stay. This was not hard, as the purchasing power of precious metals was more than fifty times greater in the classical world than in mine.

	I wore the purse attached to a heavy belt next to my skin. From this belt also hung a missile-weapon called a gun, which I have told you about. This was a small gun, called a pistol or revolver. I did not mean to shoot anybody, or expose the gun at all if I could help it. It was there as a last resort.

	I also took several small devices of our science to impress Aristotle: a pocket microscope and a magnifying glass, a small telescope, a compass, my timepiece, a flashlight, a small camera, and some medicines. I intended to show these things to people of ancient times only with the greatest caution. By the time I had slung all these objects in their pouches and cases from my belt, I had a heavy load. Another belt over the tunic supported a small purse for day-to-day buying and an all-purpose knife.

	I already had a good reading knowledge of classical Greek, which I tried to polish by practice with the spoken language and listening to it on my talking machine. I knew I should arrive speaking with an accent, for we had no way of knowing exactly what Attic Greek sounded like.

	I decided, therefore, to pass myself off as a traveler from India. Nobody would believe I was a Hellene. If I said I came from the north or west, no Hellene would listen to me, as they regarded Europeans as warlike but half-witted savages. If I said I was from some well-known civilized country like Carthage, Egypt, Babylonia, 6r Persia, I should be in danger of meeting someone who knew those countries and of being exposed as a fraud.

	To tell the truth of my origin, save under extraordinary circumstances, would be most imprudent. It would lead to my being considered a lunatic or a liar, as I can guess that your good self has more than once suspected me of being.

	An Indian, however, should be acceptable. At this time, the Hellenes knew about that land only a few wild rumors and the account of Ktesias of Knidos, who made a book of the tales he picked up about India at the Persian court. The Hellenes had heard that India harbored philosophers. Therefore, thinking Greeks might be willing to consider Indians as almost as civilized as themselves.

	What should I call myself? I took a common Indian name, Chandra, and Hellenized it to Zandras. That, I knew, was what the Hellenes would do anyway, as they had no "tch" sound and insisted on putting Greek inflectional endings on foreign names. I would not try to use my own name, which is not even remotely Greek or Indian-sounding. (Some day I must explain the blunders in my world that led to Hesperians' being called "Indians.")

	The newness and cleanliness of my costume bothered me. It did not look worn, and I could hardly break it in around Brookhaven without attracting attention. I decided that if the question came up, I should say: yes, I bought it when I entered Greece, so as not to be conspicuous in my native garb.

	During the day, when not scouring New York for equipment, I was locked in the room with the machine. While my colleagues thought I was either writing my report or dismantling the apparatus, I was getting ready for my trip.

	Two weeks went by thus. One day a memorandum came down from my superior, saying: "How is that final report coming?"

	I knew then I had better put my plan into execution at once. I sent back a memorandum: "Almost ready for the writing machine."

	That night I came back to the laboratory. As I had been doing this often, the guards took no notice. I went to the time-machine room, locked the door from the inside, and got out my equipment and costume.

	I adjusted the machine to set me down near Pella, the capital of Macedon, in the spring of the year 340 before Christ in our system of reckoning (976 Algonkian). I set the auto-actuator, climbed inside, and closed the door.

-

	The feeling of being projected through time cannot really be described. There is a sharp pain, agonizing but too short to let the victim even cry out. At the same time there is the feeling of terrific acceleration, as if one were being shot from a catapult, but in no particular direction.

	Then the seat in the passenger compartment dropped away from under me. There was a crunch, and a lot of sharp things jabbed me. I had fallen into the top of a tree.

	I grabbed a couple of branches to save myself. The mechanism that positioned me in Macedon, detecting solid matter at the point where I was going to materialize, had raised me up above the treetops and then let go. It was an old oak, just putting out its spring leaves.

	In clutching for branches I dropped my staff, which slithered down through the foliage and thumped the ground below. At least it thumped something. There was a startled yell.

	Classical costume is impractical for tree-climbing. Branches kept knocking off my hat, or snagging my cloak, or poking me in tender places not protected by trousers. I ended my ' climb with a slide and a fall of several feet, tumbling into the dirt.

	As I looked up, the first thing I saw was a burly, black-bearded man in a dirty tunic, standing with a knife in his hand. Near him stood a pair of oxen yoked to a wooden plow. At his feet rested a water jug.

	The plowman had evidently finished a furrow and lain down to rest himself and his beasts when the fall of my staff on him and then my arrival in person aroused him.

	Around me stretched the broad Emathian Plain, ringed by ranges of stony hills and craggy mountains. As the sky was overcast, and I did not dare consult my compass, I had no sure way of orienting myself, or even telling what time of day it was. I assumed that the biggest mountain in sight was Mount Bermion, which ought to be to the west. To the north I could see a trace of water. This would be Lake Loudias. Beyond the lake rose a range of low hills. A discoloration on the nearest spur of these hills might be a city, though my sight was not keen enough to make out details, and I had to do without my eyeglasses. The gently rolling plain was cut up into fields and pastures with occasional trees and patches of marsh. Dry brown grasses left over from winter nodded in the wind.

	My realization of all this took but a flash. Then my attention was brought back to the plowman, who spoke.

	I could not understand a word. But then, he would speak Macedonian. Though this can be deemed a Greek dialect, it differed so from Attic Greek as to be unintelligible.

	No doubt the man wanted to know what I was doing in his tree. I put on my best smile and said in my slow fumbling Attic: "Rejoice! I am lost, and climbed your tree to find my way."

	He spoke again. When I did not respond, he repeated his words more loudly, waving his knife.

	We exchanged more words and gestures, but it was evident that neither had the faintest notion of what the other was trying to say. The plowman began shouting, as ignorant people will when faced by the linguistic barrier.

	At last I pointed to the distant headland overlooking the lake, on which there appeared a discoloration that might be the city. Slowly and carefully I said:

	"Is that Pella?"

	"Nai, Pella!" The man's mien became less threatening.

	"I am going to Pella. Where can I find the philosopher Aristoteles?" I repeated the name.

	He was off again with more gibberish, but I gathered from his expression that he had never heard of any Aristoteles. So, I picked up my hat and stick, felt through my tunic to make sure my gear was all in place, tossed the rustic a final "Chaire!" and set off.

	By the time I had crossed the muddy field and come out on a cart track, the problem of looking Eke a seasoned traveler had solved itself. There were green and brown stains on my clothes from the scramble down the tree; the cloak was torn; the branches had scratched my limbs and face; my feet and lower legs were covered with mud. I also became aware that, to one who has lived all his life with his loins decently swathed in trousers and underdrawers, classical costume is excessively drafty.

	I glanced back to see the plowman still standing with one hand on his plow, looking at me in puzzled fashion. The poor fellow had never been able to decide what, if anything, to do about me.

	When I found a road, it was hardly more than a heavily used cart track, with a pair of deep ruts and the space between them alternating stones, mud, and long grass.

	I walked towards the lake and passed a few people on the road. To one used to the teeming traffic of my world, Macedon seemed dead and deserted. I spoke to some of the people, but ran into the same barrier of language as with the plowman.

	Finally a two-horse chariot came along, driven by a stout man wearing a headband, a kind of kilt, and high-laced boots. He pulled up at my hail.

	"What is it?" he said, in Attic not much better than mine.

	"I seek the philosopher, Aristoteles of Stageira. Where can I find him?"

	"He lives in Mieza."

	"Where is that?"

	The man waved. "You are going the wrong way. Follow this road back the way you came. At the ford across the Bottiais, take the right-hand fork, which will bring you to Mieza and Kition. Do you understand?"

	"I think so," I said. "How far is it?"

	"About two hundred stadia."

	My heart sank to my sandals. This meant five parasangs, or a good two-days' walk. I thought of trying to buy a horse or a chariot, but I had never ridden or driven a horse and saw no prospect of learning how soon enough to do any good. I had read about Mieza as Aristotle's home in Macedon but, as none of my maps had shown it, I had assumed it to be a suburb of Pella.

	I thanked the man, who trotted off, and set out after him. The details of my journey need not detain you. I was benighted far from shelter through not knowing where the villages were, attacked by watchdogs, eaten alive by mosquitoes, and invaded by vermin when I did find a place to sleep the second night. The road skirted the huge marshes that spread over the Emathian Plain west of Lake Loudias.

	Several small streams came down from Mount Bermion and lost themselves in this marsh.

	At last I neared Mieza, which stands on one of the spurs of Mount Bermion. I was trudging wearily up the long rise to the village when six youths on little Greek horses clattered down the road. I stepped to one side, but instead of cantering past they pulled up and faced me in a semicircle.

	"Who are you?" asked one, a smallish youth of about fifteen, in fluent Attic. He was blond and would have been noticeably handsome without his pimples.

	"I am Zandras of Pataliputra," I said, giving the ancient name for Patna on the Ganges. "I seek the philosopher Aristoteles."

	"Oh, a barbarian!" cried Pimples. "We know what the Aristoteles thinks of these, eh, boys?"

	The others joined in, shouting noncompliments and bragging about all the barbarians they would some day kill or enslave.

	I made the mistake of letting them see I was getting angry. I knew it was unwise, but I could not help myself. "If you do not wish to help me, then let me pass," I said.

	"Not only a barbarian, but an insolent one!" cried one of the group, making his horse dance uncomfortably close to me.

	"Stand aside, children!" I demanded. "We must teach you a lesson," said Pimples. The others giggled.

	"You had better let me alone," I said, gripping my staff in both hands.

	A tall handsome adolescent reached over and knocked my hat off. "That for you, cowardly Asiatic!" he yelled.

	Without stopping to think, I shouted an English epithet and swung my staff. Either the young man leaned out of my way or his horse shied, for my blow missed him. The momentum carried the staff past my target and the end struck the nose of one of the other horses.

	The pony squealed and reared. Having no stirrups, the rider slid off the animal's rump into the dirt. The horse galloped off.

	All six youths began screaming. The blond one, who had a particularly piercing voice, mouthed some threat. The next thing I knew, his horse bounded directly at me. Before I could dodge, the animal's shoulder knocked me head over heels and the beast leaped over me as I rolled. Luckily, horses' dislike of stepping on anything squashy saved me from being trampled.

	I scrambled up as another horse bore down upon me. By a frantic leap, I got out of its way, but I saw that the other boys were jockeying their mounts to do likewise.

	A few paces away rose a big pine. I dodged in among its lower branches as the other horses ran at me. The youths could not force their mounts in among these branches, so they galloped round and round and yelled. Most of their talk I could not understand, but I caught a sentence from Pimples: 

	"Ptolemaios! Ride back to the house and fetch bows or javelins!"

	Hooves receded. While I could not see clearly through the pine-needles, I inferred what was happening. The youths would not try to rush me on foot, first because they liked being on horseback, and if they dismounted they might lose their horses or have trouble remounting; second, because, as long as I kept my back to the tree, they would have a hard time getting at me through the tangle of branches, and I could hit and poke them with my stick as I came. Though not an unusually tall man in my own world, I was much bigger than any of these boys.

	This, however, was a minor consideration. I recognized the name "Ptolemaios" as that of one of Alexander's companions, who in my world became King Ptolemy of Egypt and founded a famous dynasty. Young Pimples, then, must be Alexander himself.

	I was in a real predicament. If I stayed where I was, Ptolemaios would bring back missiles for target practice with me as the target. I could of course shoot some of the boys with my gun, which would save me for the time being. But, in an absolute monarchy, killing the crown prince's friends, let alone the crown prince himself, is no way to achieve a peaceful old age, regardless of the provocation.

	While I was thinking of these matters and listening to my attackers, a stone swished through the branches and bounced off the trunk. The small dark youth who had fallen off his horse had thrown the rock and was urging his friends to do likewise. I caught glimpses of Pimples and the rest dismounting and scurrying around for stones, a commodity with which Greece and Macedon are notoriously well supplied.

	More stones came through the needles, caroming from the branches. One the size of my fist struck me lightly in the shin.

	The boys came closer so that their aim got better. I wormed my way around the trunk to put it between me and them, but they saw the movement and spread out around the tree. A stone grazed my scalp, dizzying me and drawing blood. I thought of climbing, but, as the tree became more slender with height, I should be "more exposed the higher I got. I should also be less able to dodge while perched in the branches.

	That is how things stood when I heard hoofbeats again. This is the moment of decision, I thought. Ptolemaios is coming back with missile weapons. If I used my gun, I might doom myself in the long run, but it would be ridiculous to stand there and let them riddle me while I had an unused weapon.

	I fumbled under my runic and unsnapped the safety strap that kept the pistol in its holster. I pulled the weapon out and checked its projectiles.

	A deep voice broke into the bickering. I caught phrases: "... insulting an unoffending traveler ... how know you he is not a prince in his own country? ... the king shall hear of this ... like newly-freed slaves, not like princes and gentlemen ..."

	I pushed towards the outer limits of the screen of pine needles. A heavy-set, brown-bearded man on a horse was haranguing the youths, who had dropped their stones. Pimples said:

	"We were only having a little sport."

	I stepped out from the branches, walked over to where my battered hat lay, and put it on. Then I said to the newcomer: "Rejoice! I am glad you came before your boys' play got too rough." I grinned, determined to act cheerful if it killed me. Only iron self-control would get me through this difficulty.

	The man grunted. "Who are you?"

	"Zandras of Pataliputra, a city in India. I seek Aristoteles the philosopher."

	"He insulted us —"began one of the youths, but Brown-beard ignored him. He said:

	"I am sorry you have had so rude an introduction to our royal house. This mass of youthful insolence" (he indicated Pimples) "is the Alexandras Philippou, heir to the throne of Makedonia." He introduced the others: Hephaistion, who had knocked my hat off and was now holding the others' horses; Nearchos, who had lost his horse; Ptolemaios, who had gone for weapons; and Harpalos and Philotas. He continued:

	"When the Ptolemaios dashed into the house, I inquired the reason for his haste, learned of their quarrel with you, and came out forthwith. They have misapplied their master's teachings. They should not behave thus even to a barbarian like yourself, for in so doing they lower themselves to the barbarian's level. I am returning to the house of Aristoteles. You may follow."

	The man turned his horse and started walking it back towards Mieza. The six boys busied themselves with catching Nearchos' horse.

	I walked after him, though I had to dog-trot now and then to keep up. As it was uphill, I was soon breathing hard. I panted:

	"Who — my lord — are you?"

	The man's beard came round and he raised an eyebrow. "I thought you would know. I am Antipatros, regent of Makedonia."

	Before we reached the village proper, Antipatros turned off through a kind of park, with statues and benches. This, I supposed, was the Precinct of the Nymphs, which Aristotle used as a school ground. We went through the park and stopped at a mansion on the other side. Antipatros tossed the reins to a groom and slid off his horse.

	"Aristoteles!" roared Antipatros. "A man wishes to see you."

	A man of about my own age — the early forties — came out. He was of medium height and slender build, with a thin-lipped, severe-looking face and a pepper-and-salt beard cut short. He was wrapped in a billowing himation or large cloak, with a colorful scroll-patterned border. He wore golden rings on several fingers.

	Antipatros made a fumbling introduction: "Old fellow, this is — ah — what's-his-name from — ah — some place in India." He told of rescuing me from Alexander and his fellow delinquents, adding: "If you do not beat some manners into your pack of cubs soon, it will be too late."

	Aristotle looked at me sharply and lisped: "It ith always a pleasure to meet men from afar. What brings you here, my friend?"

	I gave my name and said: "Being accounted something of a philosopher in my own land, I thought my visit to the West would be incomplete without speaking to the greatest Western philosopher. And when I asked who he was, everyone told me to seek out Aristoteles Nikomachou."

	Aristotle purred. "It is good of them to thay tho. Ahem. Come in and join me in a drop of wine. Can you tell me of the wonders of India?"

	"Yes indeed, but you must tell me in turn of your discoveries, which to me are much more wonderful."

	"Come, come, then. Perhaps you could stay over a few days. I shall have many, many things to athk you."

-

	That is how I met Aristotle. He and I hit it off, as we said in my world, from the start. We had much in common. Some people would not like Aristotle's lisp, or his fussy, pedantic ways, or his fondness for worrying any topic of conversation to death. But he and I got along fine.

	That afternoon, in the house that King Philip had built for Aristotle to use as the royal school, he handed me a cup of wine flavored with turpentine and asked:

	"Tell me about the elephant, that great beast we have heard of with a tail at both ends. Does it truly exist?"

	"Indeed it does," I said, and went on to tell what I knew of elephants, while Aristotle scribbled notes on a piece of papyrus.

	"What do they call the elephant in India?" he asked.

	The question caught me by surprise, for it had never occurred to me to learn ancient Hindustani along with all the other things I had to know for this expedition. I sipped the wine to give me time to think. I have never cared for alcoholic liquors, and this stuff tasted awful to me. But, for the sake of my objective, I had to pretend to like it. No doubt I should have to make up some kind of gibberish — but then a mental broad-jump carried me back to the stories of Kipling I had read as a boy.

	"We call it a hathi," I said. "Though of course there are many languages in India."

	"How about that Indian wild ath of which Ktesias thpeakth, with a horn in the middle of its forehead?"

	"You had better call it a nose-horn (rhinokeros) for that is where its horn really is, and it is more like a gigantic pig than an ass ..."

	As dinner-time neared, I made some artful remarks about going out to find accommodations in Mieza, but Aristotle (to my joy) would have none of it. I should stay right there at the school; my polite protestations of unworthiness he waved aside.

	"You mutht plan to stop here for months," he said. "I shall never, never have such a chance to collect data on India again. Do not worry about expense; the king pays all. You are — ahem — the first barbarian I have known with a decent intellect, and I get lonethome for good tholid talk. Theo-phrastps has gone to Athens, and my other friends come to these back-lands but seldom."

	"How about the Macedonians?"

	"Aiboi! Thome like my friend Antipatros are good fellows, but most are as lackwitted as a Persian grandee. And now tell me of Patal — what is your city's name?"

	Presently Alexander and his friends came in. They seemed taken aback at seeing me closeted with their master. I put on a brisk smile and said: "Rejoice, my friends!" as if nothing untoward had happened. The boys glowered and whispered among themselves, but did not attempt any more disturbance at that time.

	When they gathered for their lecture next morning, Aristotle told them: "I am too busy with the gentleman from India to waste time pounding unwanted wisdom into your miserable little thouls. Go shoot some rabbits or catch some fish for dinner, but in any case begone!"

	The boys grinned. Alexander said: "It seems the barbarian has his uses after all. I hope you stay with us forever, good barbarian!"

	After they had gone, Antipatros came in to say good-bye to Aristotle. He asked me with gruff good will how I was doing and went out to ride back to Pella.

	The weeks passed unnoticed and the flowers of spring came out while I visited Aristotle. Day after day we strolled about the Precinct of the Nymphs, talking, or sat indoors when it rained. Sometimes the boys followed us, listening; at other times we talked alone. They played a couple of practical jokes on me, but, by pretending to be amused when I was really furious, I avoided serious trouble with them.

	I learned that Aristotle had a wife and a little daughter in another part of the big house, but he never let me meet the lady. I only caught glimpses of them from a distance.

	I carefully shifted the subject of our daily discourse from the marvels of India to the more basic questions of science. We argued over the nature of matter and the shape of the solar system. I gave out that the Indians were well on the road to the modern concepts — modern in my world, that is — of astronomy, physics, and so forth. I told of the discoveries of those eminent Pataliputran philosophers: Kopernikos in astronomy, Neuton in physics, Darben in evolution, and Mendeles in genetics. (I forgot; these names mean nothing to you, though an educated man of my world would recognize them at once through their Greek disguise.)

	Always I stressed method: the need for experiment and invention and for checking each theory back against the facts. Though an opinionated and argumentative man, Aristotle had a mind like a sponge, eagerly absorbing any new fact, surmise, or opinion, whether he agreed with it or not.

	I tried to find a workable compromise between what I knew science could do on one hand and the limits of Aristotle's credulity on the other. Therefore I said nothing about flying machines, guns, buildings a thousand feet high, and other technical wonders of my world. Nevertheless, I caught Aristotle looking at me sharply out of those small black eyes one day.

	"Do you doubt me, Aristoteles?" I said.

	"N-no, no," he said thoughtfully. "But it does theem to me that, were your Indian inventors as wonderful as you make out, they would have fabricated you wings like those of Daidalos in the legend. Then you could have flown to Make-donia directly, without the trials of crossing Persia by camel."

	"That has been tried, but men's muscles do not have enough strength in proportion to their weight."

	"Ahem. Did you bring anything from India to show the skills of your people?"

	I grinned, for I had been hoping for such a question. "I did fetch a few small devices," said I, reaching into my tunic and bringing out the magnifying glass. I demonstrated its use.

	Aristotle shook his head. "Why did you not show me this before? It would have quieted my doubts."

	"People have met with misfortune by trying too suddenly to change the ideas of those around them. Like your teacher's teacher, Sokrates."

	"That is true, true. What other devices did you bring?"

	I had intended to show my devices at intervals, gradually, but Aristotle was so insistent on seeing them all that I gave in to him before he got angry. The little telescope was not powerful enough to show the moons of Jupiter or the rings of Saturn, but it showed enough to convince Aristotle of its power. If he could not see these astronomical phenomena himself, he was almost willing to take my word that they could be seen with the larger telescopes we had in India.

	One day a light-armed soldier galloped up to us in the midst of our discussions in the Precinct of Nymphs. Ignoring the rest of us, the fellow said to Alexander: "Hail, O Prince! The king, your father, will be here before sunset."

	Everybody rushed around cleaning up the place. We were all lined up in front of the big house when King Philip and his entourage arrived on horseback with a jingle and a clatter, in crested helmets and flowing mantles. I knew Philip by his one eye. He was a big powerful man, much scarred, with a thick curly black beard going gray. He dismounted, embraced his son, gave Aristotle a brief greeting, and said to Alexander:

	"How would you like to attend a siege?"

	Alexander whooped.

	"Thrace is subdued," said the king, "but Byzantion and Perinthos have declared against me, thanks to Athenian intrigue. I shall give the Perintheans something to think about besides the bribes of the Great King. It is time you smelled blood, youngster; would you like to come?"

	"Yes, yes! Can my friends come too?"

	"If they like and their fathers let them."

	"O King!" said Aristotle.

	"What is it, spindle-shanks?"

	"I trust thith is not the end of the prince's education. He has much yet to learn."

	"No, no; I will send him back when the town falls. But he nears the age when he must learn by doing, not merely by listening to your rarefied wisdom. Who is this?" Philip turned his one eye on me.

	"Zandras of India, a barbarian philothopher."

	Philip grinned in a friendly way and clapped me on the shoulder. "Rejoice! Come to Pella and tell my generals about India. Who knows? A Macedonian foot may tread there yet."

	"It would be more to the point to find out about Persia," said one of Philip's officers, a handsome fellow with a reddish-brown beard. "This man must have just come through there. How about it, man? Is the bloody Artaxerxes still solid on his throne?"

	"I know little of such matters," I said, my heart beginning to pound at the threat of exposure. "I skirted the northernmost parts of the Great King's dominions and saw little of the big cities. I know nothing of their politics."

	"Is that so?" said Redbeard, giving me a queer look. "We must talk of this again."

	They all trooped into the big house, where the cook and the serving wenches were scurrying about. During dinner I found myself between Nearchos, Alexander's little Cretan friend, and a man-at-arms who spoke no Attic. So I did not get much conversation, nor could I follow much of the chatter that went on among the group at the head of the tables. I gathered that they were discussing politics. I asked Nearchos who the generals were.

	"The big one at the king's right is the Parmenion," he said, "and the one with the red beard is the Attalos."

	When the food was taken away and the drinking had begun, Attalos came over to me. The man-at-arms gave him his place. Attalos had drunk a lot of wine already; but, if it made him a little unsteady, it did not divert him.

	"How did you come through the Great King's domain?" he asked. "What route did you follow?"

	"I told you, to the north," I said.

	"Then you must have gone through Orchoe."

	"I —"I began, then stopped. Attalos might be laying a trap for me. What if I said yes and Orchoe was really in the south? Or suppose he had been there and knew all about the place? Many Greeks and Macedonians served the Great King as mercenaries.

	"I passed through many places whose names I never got straight," I said. "I do not remember if Orchoe was among them."

	Attalos gave me a sinister smile through his beard. "Your journey will profit you little, if you cannot remember where you have been. Come, tell me if you heard of unrest among the northern provinces."

	I evaded the question, taking a long pull on my wine to cover my hesitation. I did this again and again until Attalos said: "Very well, perhaps you are really as ignorant of Persia as you profess. Then tell me about India."

	"What about it?" I hiccupped; the wine was beginning to affect me, too.

	"As a soldier, I should like to know of the Indian art of war. What is this about training elephants to fight?"

	"Oh, we do much better than that;"

	"How so?"

	"We have found that the flesh-and-blood elephant, despite its size, is an untrustworthy war beast because it often takes fright and stampedes back through its own troops. So, the philosophers of Pataliputra make artificial elephants of steel with rapid-fire catapults on their backs."

	I was thinking in a confused way of the armored war vehicles of my own world. I do not know what made me tell Attalos such ridiculous lies. Partly, I suppose, it was to keep him off the subject of Persia.

	Partly it was a natural antipathy between us. According to history, Attalos was not a bad man, though at times a reckless and foolish one. But it annoyed me that he thought he could pump me by subtle questions, when he was about as subtle as a ton of bricks. His voice and manner said as plainly as words: I am a shrewd, sharp fellow; watch out for me, everybody. He was the kind of man who, if told to spy on the enemy, would don an obviously false beard, wrap himself in a long black cloak, and go slinking about the enemy's places in broad daylight, leering and winking and attracting as much attention as possible. No doubt, too, he had prejudiced me against him by his alarming curiosity about my past.

	But the main cause for my rash behavior was the strong wine I had drunk. In my own world, I drank very little and so was not used to these carousals.

	Attalos was all eyes and ears at my tale of mechanical elephants. "You do not say!"

	"Yes, and we do even better than that. If the enemy's ground forces resist the charge of our iron elephants, we send flying chariots, drawn by gryphons, to drop darts on the foe from above." It seemed to me that never had my imagination been so brilliant.

	Attalos gave an audible gasp. "What else?"

	"Well — ah — we also have a powerful navy, you know, which controls the lower Ganges and the adjacent ocean. Our ships move by machinery, without oars or sails."

	"Do the other Indians have these marvels too?"

	"Some, but none is so advanced as the Pataliputrans. When we are outnumbered on the sea, we have a force of tame Tritons who swim under the enemy's ships and bore holes in their bottoms."

	Attalos frowned. "Tell me, barbarian, how it is that, with such mighty instruments of war, the Palalal — the Patapata — the people of your city have not conquered the whole world?"

	I gave a shout of drunken laughter and slapped Attalos on the back. "We have, old boy, we have! You Macedonians have just not yet found out that you are our subjects!"

	Attalos digested this, then scowled blackly. "You temple-thief! I think you have been making a fool of me! Of me! By Herakles, I ought —"

	He rose and swung a fist back to clout me. I jerked an arm up to guard my face.

	There came a roar of "Attalos!" from the head of the table. King Philip had been watching us.

	Attalos dropped his fist, muttered something like "Flying chariots and tame Tritons, forsooth!" and stumbled back to his own crowd.

	This man, I remembered, did not have a happy future in store. He was destined to marry his niece to Philip, whose first wife Olympias would have the girl and her baby killed after Philip's assassination. Soon afterwards, Attalos would be murdered by Alexander's orders. It was on the tip of my tongue to give him a veiled warning, but I forebore. I had attracted enough hostile attention already.

	Later, when the drinking got heavy, Aristotle came over and shooed his boys off to bed. He said to me: "Let uth walk outside to clear our heads, Zandras, and then go to bed, too.

	These Makedones drink like sponges. I cannot keep up with them."

	Outside, he said: "The Attalos thinks you are a Persian thpy."

	"A spy? Me? In Hera's name, why?" Silently I cursed my folly in making an enemy without any need. Would I never learn to deal with this damned human species?

	Aristotle said: "He thays nobody could pass through a country and remain as ignorant of it as you theem to be. Ergo, you know more of the Persian Empire than you pretend, but wish us to think you have nothing to do with it. And why should you do that, unleth you are yourself a Persian? And being a Persian, why should you hide the fact unleth you are on some hostile mission?"

	"A Persian might fear anti-Persian prejudice among the Hellenes. Not that I am one," I hastily added.

	"He need not. Many Persians live in Hellas without molestation. Take Artabazos and his sons, who live in Pella, refugees from their own king."

	Then the obvious alibi came to me, long after it should have. "The fact is I went even farther north than I said. I went around the northern ends of the Caspian and Euxine seas and so did not cross the Great King's domains save through the Bactrian deserts."

	"You did? Then why did you not thay tho? If that is true, you have settled one of our hottest geographical disputes: whether the Caspian is a closed thea or a bay of the Northern Ocean."

	"I feared nobody would believe me."

	"I am not sure what to believe, Zandras. You are a strange man. I do not think you are a Persian, for no Persian was ever a philothopher. It is good for you that you are not."

	"Why?"

	"Because I hate Persia!" he hissed.

	"You do?"

	"Yeth. I could list the wrongs done by the Great Kings, but it is enough that they seized my beloved father-in-law by treachery and torture, and crucified him. People like Isokrates talk of uniting the Hellenes to conquer Persia, and Philippos may try it if he lives. I hope he does. However," he went on in a different tone, "I hope he does it without dragging the cities of Hellas into it, for the repositories of civilization have no busineth getting into a brawl between tyrants."

	"In India," said I sententiously, "we are taught that a man's nationality means nothing and his personal qualities everything. Men of all nations come good, bad, and indifferent."

	Aristotle shrugged. "I have known virtuouth Persians too, but that monstrouth, bloated empire ... No state can be truly civilized with more than a few thousand citizens."

	There was no use telling him that large states, however monstrous and bloated he thought them, would be a permanent feature of the landscape from then on. I was trying to reform, not Aristotle's narrow view of international affairs, but his scientific methodology.

	Next morning King Philip and his men and Aristotle's six pupils galloped off toward Pella, followed by a train of baggage mules and the boys' personal slaves. Aristotle said:

	"Let us hope no chance sling-thtone dashes out Alexandres' brains before he has a chance to show his mettle. The boy has talent and may go far, though managing him is like trying to plow with a wild bull. Now, let us take up the question of atoms again, my dear Zandras, about which you have been talking thuch utter rubbish. First, you must admit that if a thing exists, parts of it must also exist. Therefore there is no thuch thing as an indivisible particle ..."

	Three days later, while we were still hammering at the question of atoms, we looked up at the clatter of hooves. Here came Attalos and a whole troop of horsemen. Beside Attalos rode a tall swarthy man with a long gray beard. This man's appearance startled me into thinking he must be another time traveler from my own time, for he wore a hat, coat, and pants. The mere sight of these familiar garments filled me with homesickness for my own world, however much I hated it when I lived in it.

	Actually, the man's garb was not that of one from my world. The hat was a cylindrical felt cap with ear flaps. The coat was a brown knee-length garment, embroidered with faded red and blue flowers, with trousers to match. The whole outfit looked old and threadbare, with patches showing. He was a big craggy-looking fellow, with a great hooked nose, wide cheekbones, and deep-set eyes under bushy, beetling brows.

	They all dismounted, and a couple of grooms went around collecting the bridles to keep the horses from running off. The soldiers leaned on their spears in a circle around us.

	Attalos said: "I should like to ask your guest some more philosophical questions, O Aristoteles."

	"Ask away."

	Attalos turned, not to me, but to the tall graybeard. He said something I did not catch, and then the man in trousers spoke to me in a language I did not know.

	"I do not understand," I said.

	The graybeard spoke again, in what sounded like a different tongue. He did this several times, using a different-sounding speech each time, but each time I had to confess ignorance.

	"Now you see," said Attalos. "He pretends not to know Persian, Median, Armenian, or Aramaic. He could not have traversed the Great King's dominions from east to west without learning at least one of these."

	"Who are you, my dear sir?" I asked Graybeard.

	The old man gave me a small dignified smile and spoke in Attic with a guttural accent. "I am Artavazda, or Artabazos as the Hellenes say, once governor of Phrygia but now a poor pensioner of King Philippos."

	This, then, was the eminent Persian refugee of whom Aristotle had spoken.

	"I warrant he does not even speak Indian," said Attalos.

	"Certainly," I said, and started off in English: "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth —"

	"What would you call that?" Attalos asked Artavazda.

	The Persian spread his hands. "I have never heard the like. But then, India is a vast country of many tongues."

	"I was not —"I began, but Attalos kept on:

	"What race would you say he belonged to?"

	"I know not. The Indians I have seen were much darker, but there might be light-skinned Indians for aught I know."

	"If you will listen, General, I will explain," I said. "For most of the journey I was not even in the Persian Empire. I crossed through Bactria and went around the north of the Caspian and Euxine seas."

	"Oh, so now you tell another story?" said Attalos. "Any educated man knows the Caspian is but a deep bay opening into the Ocean River to the north. Therefore you could not go around it. So, in trying to escape, you do but mire yourself deeper in your own lies."

	"Look here," said Aristotle. "You have proved nothing of the sort, O Attalos. Ever thince Herodotos there have been those who think the Caspian a closed thea —"

	"Hold your tongue, Professor," said Attalos. "This is a matter of national security. There is something queer about this alleged Indian, and I mean to find out what it is."

	"It is not queer that one who comes from unknown distant lands should tell a singular tale of his journey."

	"No, there is more to it than that. I have learned that he first appeared in a treetop on the farm of the freeholder Diktys Pisandrou. Diktys remembers looking up into the tree for crows before he cast himself down under it to rest. If the Zandras had been in the tree, Diktys would have seen him, as it was not yet fully in leaf. The next instant there was the crash of a body falling into the branches, and Zandras' staff smote Diktys on the head. Normal mortal men fall not out of the sky into trees."

	"Perhaps he flew from India. They have marvelous mechanisms there, he tells me," said Aristotle.

	"If he survives our interrogation in Pella, perhaps he can make me a pair of wings," said Attalos. "Or better yet, a pair for my horse, so he shall emulate Pegasos. Meanwhile, seize and bind him, men!"

	The soldiers moved. I did not dare submit for fear they would take my gun and leave me defenceless. I snatched up the hem of my tunic to get at my pistol. It took precious seconds to unsnap the safety strap, but I got the gun out before anybody laid hand on me.

	"Stand back or I will blast you with lightning!" I shouted, raising the gun.

	Men of my own world, knowing how deadly such a weapon can be, would have given ground at the sight of it. But the Macedonians, never having seen one, merely stared at the device and came on. Attalos was one of the nearest.

	I fired at him, then whirled and shot another soldier who was reaching out to seize me. The discharge of the gun produces a lightning-like flash and a sharp sound like a close clap of thunder. The Macedonians cried out, and Attalos fell with a wound in his thigh.

	I turned again, looking for a way out of the circle of soldiers, while confused thoughts of taking one of their horses flashed through my head. A heavy blow in the flank staggered me. One of the soldiers had jabbed me with his spear, but my belt kept the weapon from piercing me. I shot at the man but missed him in my haste.

	"Do not kill him!" screamed Aristotle.

	Some of the soldiers backed up as if to flee; others poised their spears. They hesitated for the wink of an eye, either for fear of me or because Aristotle's command confused them. Ordinarily they would have ignored the philosopher and listened for their general's orders, but Attalos was down on the grass and looking in amazement at the hole in his leg.

	As one soldier dropped his spear and started to run, a blow on the head sent a flash of light through my skull and hurled me to the ground, nearly unconscious. A man behind me had swung his spear like a club and struck me on the pate with the shaft.

	Before I could recover, they were all over me, raining kicks and blows. One wrenched the gun from my hand. I must have lost consciousness, for the next thing I remember is lying in the dirt while the soldiers tore off my tunic. Attalos stood over me with a bloody bandage around his leg, leaning on a soldier. He looked pale and frightened but resolute. The second man I had shot lay still.

	"So that is where he keeps his infernal devices!" said Attalos, indicating my belt. "Take it off, men."

	The soldiers struggled with the clasp of the belt until one impatiently sawed through the straps with his dagger. The gold in my money pouch brought cries of delight.

	I struggled to get up, but a pair of soldiers knelt on my arms to keep me down. There was a continuous mumble of talk. Attalos, looking over the belt, said:

	"He is too dangerous to live. Even stripped as he is, who knows but what he will soar into the air and escape by magic?"

	"Do not kill him!" said Aristotle. "He has much valuable knowledge to impart."

	"No knowledge is worth the safety of the kingdom."

	"But the kingdom can benefit from his knowledge. Do you not agree?" Aristotle asked the Persian.

	"Drag me not into this, pray," said Artavazda. "It is no concern of mine."

	"If he is a danger to Makedonia, he should be destroyed at once," said Attalos.

	"There is but little chance of his doing harm now," said Aristotle, "and an excellent chance of his doing us good."

	"Any chance of his doing harm is too much," said Attalos. "You philosophers can afford to be tolerant of interesting strangers. But, if they carry disaster in their baggage, it is on us poor soldiers that the brunt will fall. Is it not so, Artabazos?"

	"I have done what you asked and will say no more," said Artavazda. "I am but a simple-minded Persian nobleman who does not understand your Greek subtleties."

	"I can increase the might of your armies, General!" I cried to Attalos.

	"No doubt, and no doubt you can also turn men to stone with an incantation, as the Gorgons did with their glance." He drew his sword and felt the edge with his thumb.

	"You will slay him for mere thuperstition!" wailed Aristotle, wringing his hands. "At least, let the king judge the matter."

	"Not superstition," said Attalos; "murder." He pointed to the dead soldier.

	"I come from another world! Another age!" I yelled, but Attalos was not to be diverted.

	"Let us get this over with," he said. "Set him on his knees, men. Take my sword, Glaukos; I am too unsteady to wield it. Now bow your head, my dear barbarian, and —"

	In the middle of Attalos' sentence, he and the others and all my surroundings vanished. Again there came that sharp pain and sense of being jerked by a monstrous catapult . „ .

-

	I found myself lying in leaf mold with the pearl-gray trunks of poplars all around me. A brisk breeze was making the poplar leaves flutter and show their silvery bottoms. It was too cool for a man who was naked save for sandals and socks.

	I had snapped back to the year 1981 of the calendar of my world, which I had set out from. But where was I? I should be near the site of the Brookhaven National Laboratories in a vastly improved super-scientific world. There was, however, no sign of super-science here; nothing but poplar trees.

	I got up, groaning, and looked around. I was covered with bruises and bleeding from nose and mouth.

	The only way I had of orienting myself was the boom of a distant surf. Shivering, I hobbled towards the sound. After a few hundred paces, I came out of the forest on a beach. This beach could be the shore of Sewanhaki, or Long Island as we called it, but there was no good way of telling. There was no sign of human life; just the beach curving into the distance and disappearing around headlands, with the poplar forest on one side and the ocean on the other.

	What, I wondered, had happened? Had science advanced so fast as a result of my intervention that man had already exterminated himself by scientific warfare? Thinkers of my world had concerned themselves with this possibility, but I had never taken it seriously.

	It began to rain. In despair I cast myself down on the sand and beat it with my fists. I may have lost consciousness again.

	At any rate, the next thing I knew was the now-familiar sound of hooves. When I looked up, the horseman was almost upon me, for the sand had muffled the animal's footsteps until it was quite close.

	I blinked with incredulity. For an instant I thought I must be back in the classical era still. The man was a warrior armed and armored in a style much like that of ancient times. At first he seemed to be wearing a helmet of classical Hellenic type. When he came closer I saw that this was not quite true, for the crest was made of feathers instead of horsehair. The nasal and cheek plates hid most of his face, but he seemed dark and beardless. He wore a shirt of scale mail, long leather trousers, and low shoes. He had a bow and a small shield hung from his saddle and a slender lance slung across his back by a strap. I saw that this could not be ancient times because the horse was fitted with a large, well-molded saddle and stirrups.

	As I watched the man stupidly, he whisked the lance out of its boot and couched it. He spoke in an unknown language.

	I got up, holding my hands over my head in surrender. The man kept repeating his question, louder and louder, and making jabbing motions. All I could say was "I don't understand" in the languages I knew, none of which seemed familiar to him.

	Finally he maneuvered his horse around to the other side of me, barked a command, pointed along the beach the way he had come, and prodded me with the butt of the lance. Off I limped, with rain, blood, and tears running down my hide.

	You know the rest, more or less. Since I could not give an intelligible account of myself, the Sachim of Lenape, Wayotan the Fat, claimed me as a slave. For fourteen years I labored on his estate at such occupations as feeding hogs and chopping kindling. When Wayotan died and the present Sachim was elected, he decided I was too old for that kind of work, especially as I was half crippled from the beatings of Wayotan and his overseers. Learning that I had some knowledge of letters (for I had picked up spoken and written Algonkian in spite of my wretched lot) he freed me and made me official librarian.

	In theory I can travel about as I like, but I have done little of it. I am too old and weak for the rigors of travel in this world, and most other places are, as nearly as I can determine, about as barbarous as this one. Besides, a few Lenapes come to hear me lecture on the nature of man and the universe and the virtues of the scientific method. Perhaps I can light a small spark here after I failed in the year 340 b.c.

	When I went to work in the library, my first thought was to find out what had happened to bring the world to its present pass.

	Wayotan's predecessor had collected a considerable library which Wayotan had neglected, so that some of the books had been chewed by rats and others ruined by dampness. Still, there was enough to give me a good sampling of the literature of this world, from ancient to modern times. There were even Herodotos' history and Plato's dialogues, identical with the versions that existed in my own world.

	I had to struggle against more language barriers, as the European languages of this world are different from, though related to, those of my own world. The English of today, for instance, is more like the Dutch of my own world, as a result of England's never having been conquered by the Normans.

	I also had the difficulty of reading without eyeglasses. Luckily, most of these manuscript books are written in a large, clear hand. A couple of years ago I did get a pair of glasses, imported from China, where the invention of the printing press has stimulated their manufacture. But, as they are a recent invention in this world, they are not so effective as those of mine.

	I rushed through all the history books to find out when and how your history diverged from mine. I found that differences appeared quite early. Alexander still marched to the Indus but failed to die at thirty-two on his return. In fact he lived fifteen years longer and fell at last in battle with the Sarmatians in the Caucasus Mountains.

	I do not know why that brief contact with me enabled him to avoid the malaria mosquito that slew him in my world. Maybe I aroused in him a keener interest in India than he would otherwise have had, leading him to stay there longer so that all his subsequent schedules were changed. His empire held together for most of a century instead of breaking up right after his death as it did in my world.

	The Romans still conquered the whole Mediterranean, but the course of their conquests and the names of the prominent Romans were all different. Two of the chief religions of my world, Christianity and Islam, never appeared at all. Instead we have Mithraism, Odinism, and Soterism, the last an Egypto-Hellenic synthesis founded by that fiery Egyptian prophet whose followers call him by the Greek word for "savior."

	Still, classical history followed the same general course that it had in my world, even though the actors bore other names. The Roman Empire broke up, as it did in my world, though the details are all different, with a Hunnish emperor ruling in Rome and a Gothic one in Antioch.

	It is after the fall of the Roman Empire that profound differences appear. In my world there was a revival of learning that began about nine hundred years ago, followed by a scientific revolution beginning four centuries later. In your history the revival of learning was centuries later, and the scientific revolution has hardly begun. Failure to develop the compass and the full-rigged ship resulted in North America's (I mean Hesperia's) being discovered and settled via the northern route, by way of Iceland, and more slowly than in my world. Failure to invent the gun meant that the natives of Hesperia were not swept aside by the invading Europeans, but held their own against them and gradually learned their arts of iron-working, weaving, cereal-growing, and the like. Now most of the European settlements have been assimilated, though the ruling families of the Abnakis and Mohegans frequently have blue eyes and still call themselves by names like "Sven" and "Eric."

	I was eager to get hold of a work by Aristotle, to see what effect I had had on him and to try to relate this effect to the subsequent course of history. From allusions in some of the works in this library I gathered that many of his writings had come down to modern times, though the titles all seemed different from those of his surviving works in my world. The only actual samples of his writings in the library were three essays, Of Justice, On Education, and Of Passions and Anger. None of these showed my influence.

	I had struggled through most of the Sachim's collection when I found the key I was looking for. This was an Iberic translation of Lives of the Great Philosophers, by one Dio-medes of Mazaka. I never heard of Diomedes in the literary history of my own world, and perhaps he never existed. Anyway, he had a long chapter on Aristotle, in which appears the following section:

-

	Now Aristotle, during his sojourn at Mytilene, had been an assiduous student of natural sciences. He had planned, according to Timotheus, a series of works which should correct the errors of Empedokles, Demokritos, and others of his predecessors. But, after he had removed to Macedonia and busied himself with the education of Alexander, there one day appeared before him a traveler, Sandos of Palibothra, a mighty philosopher of India.

	The Indian ridiculed Aristotle's attempts at scientific research, saying that in his land these investigations had gone far beyond anything the Hellenes had attempted, and the Indians were still a long way from arriving at satisfactory explanations of the universe. Moreover, he asserted that no real progress could be made in natural philosophy unless the Hellenes abandoned their disdain for physical labor and undertook exhaustive experiments with mechanical devices of the sort which cunning Egyptian and Asiatic craftsmen make.

	King Philip, hearing of the presence of this stranger in his land and fearing lest he be a spy sent by some foreign power to harm or corrupt the young prince, came with soldiers to arrest him. But, when he demanded that Sandos accompany him back to Pella, the latter struck dead with thunderbolts all the king's soldiers that were with him. Then, it is said, mounting into his chariot drawn by winged gryphons, he flew off in the direction of India. But other authorities say that the man who came to arrest Sandos was Antipatros, the regent, and that Sandos cast darkness before the eyes of Antipatros and Aristotle, and when they recovered from their swoon he had vanished.

	Aristotle, reproached by the king for harboring so dangerous a visitor and shocked by the sanguinary ending of the Indian's visit, resolved to have no more to do with the sciences. For, as he explains in his celebrated treatise On the Folly of Natural Science, there are three reasons why no good Hellene should trouble his mind with such matters.

	One is that the number of facts which must be mastered before sound theories become possible is so vast that if all the Hellenes did nothing else for centuries, they would still not gather the amount of data required. The task is therefore futile.

	Secondly, experiments and mechanical inventions are necessary to progress in science, and such work, though all very well for slavish Asiatics, who have a natural bent for it, is beneath the dignity of a Hellenic gentleman.

	And, lastly, some of the barbarians have already surpassed the Hellenes in this activity, wherefore it ill becomes the Hellenes to compete with their inferiors in skills at which the latter have an inborn advantage. They should rather cultivate personal rectitude, patriotic valor, political rationality, and aesthetic sensitivity, leaving to the barbarians such artificial aids to the good and virtuous life as are provided by scientific discoveries.

-

	This was it, all right. The author had gotten some of his facts wrong, but that was to be expected from an ancient historian.

	So! My teachings had been too successful. I had so well shattered the naive self-confidence of the Hellenic philosophers as to discourage them from going on with science at all.

	I should have remembered that glittering theories and sweeping generalizations, even when wrong, are the frosting on the cake; they are the carrot that makes the donkey go.

	The possibility of pronouncing such universals is the stimulus that keeps many scientists grinding away, year after year, at the accumulation of facts, even seemingly dull and trivial facts. If ancient scientists had realized how much laborious fact-finding lay ahead of them before sound theories would become possible, they would have been so appalled as to drop science altogether. And that is just what happened.

	The sharpest irony of all was that I had placed myself where I could not undo my handiwork. If I had ended up in a scientifically advanced world, and did not like what I found, I might have built another time machine, gone back, and somehow warned myself of the mistake lying in wait for me. But such a project is out of the question in a backward world like this one, where seamless columbium tubing, for instance, is not even thought of. All I proved by my disastrous adventure is that space-time has a negative curvature, and who in this world cares about that?

	You recall, when you were last here, asking me the meaning of a motto in my native language on the wall of my cell. I said I would tell you in connection with my whole fantastic story. The motto says: "Leave Well Enough Alone," and I wish I had.

Cordially yours,
Sherman Weaver.

-

-

GADGETS AND PROJECTS

-

The Guided Man

	"All you do," said the salesman for the Telagog Company, "is flip this switch at the beginning of the crisis. That sends out a radio impulse, which is picked up here and routed by the monitor to the proper controller."

	Ovid Ross peered past the salesman at the man seated in the booth. Gilbert Falck, he understood the man's name to be, but nobody would know him under that helmet, from which a thick cable passed in a sagging curve to the control board before him.

	"So he takes over?" said Ross.

	"Exactly. Suppose you've let yourself in for a date where there'll be dancing, and you don't know how?"

	"I do, kind of," said Ovid Ross.

	"Well, let's suppose you don't. We have in the booth, by prearrangement, our Mr. Jerome Bundy, who's been a ballet dancer and a ballroom dancing teacher — "

	"Did somebody call me?" said a man, putting his head out of another control booth into the corridor behind the row of booths.

	"No, Jerry," said the salesman, whose name was Nye. "Just using you as an example. Aren't you still on?"

	"No, he gave me the over-and-out."

	"See?" said the salesman. "Mr. Bundy is controlling a man — needless to say we don't mention our clients' names — who's trying to become a professional ballet dancer. He's only so-so, but with Jerry running him by remote control he puts on the finest tour-jeté you ever saw. Or suppose you can't swim —"

	"Shucks," said Ovid Ross, staring at his knuckles. He was a long, big-boned young man with hands and feet large even in proportion to the rest of him, and knuckles oversized for even such hands. "I can swim and dance, kind of, and most of those things. Even play a little golf. My trouble is — well, you know."

	"Well?"

	"Here I am, just a big hick from Rattlesnake, Montana, trying to get on among all these slick operators in New York, where everybody's born with his hand in somebody else's pocket. When I go up against them it scares the behooligers out of me. I get embarrassed and trip over my big feet."

	"In such a case," said Nye, "we choose controllers specializing in the roles of sophisticate, man-of-the-world, and so forth. Our Mr. Falck here is experienced in such parts. So are Mr. Abrams and Mr. Van Etten. Mr. Bundy is what you might call a second-string sophisticate. When he's not controlling a man engaged in dancing or athletic sports, he relieves one of the others I mentioned."

	"So, if I sign up with you, and tomorrow I go see this publisher guy who eats horseshoes and spits out the nails, to ask for a job, you can take over?"

	"Easiest thing in the world. Our theory is: no man is a superman! So, when faced with a crisis you can't cope with, call us in. Let a specialist take control of your body! You don't fill your own teeth or make your own shoes, do you? Then why not let our experts carry you through such crises as getting a job, proposing to a girl, or making a speech? Why not?" Nye's eyes shone.

	"I dunno why not," said Ross. "But that reminds me. I got — I've got girl trouble too. Can you really take care of that?"

	"Certainly. One of the controllers is the former actor Barry Wentworth. During his youth, he was the idol of frustrated women throughout the nation, and he succeeded in acquiring nine real-life wives as well as innumerable less formal romances. We'll do the courtship, the proposal, and everything for you."

	Ross looked suspiciously at the salesman. "Dunno as I like that 'everything.'"

	Nye spread his hands. "Only at your request. We have no thought of controlling a client beyond his desires. What we do is to compel you to do what you really wish to do, but lack the skill or the nerve to do."

	"Say, here's another thing."

	"Yes?"

	"Is there any carry-over effect? In other words, uh, if a controller puts me through some act like swimming, will I learn to do that better from having the controller do an expert job with my carcass?"

	"We believe so, though the psychologists are still divided. We think that eventually telagog control will be accepted as a necessary part of all training for forms of physical dexterity or skill, including such things as singing and speech-making. But that's in the future."

	"Another thing," said Ross. "This gadget would give a controller a wonderful chance for — uh — practical jokes. Say the controllee was a preacher who hired you to carry him through a tough sermon, and the controller had it in for him, or maybe just had a low sense of humor. What would stop the controller from making the preacher tell stag-party stories from the pulpit?"

	The salesman's face took on a look of pious horror. "Nobody in this organization would think of such a thing! If he did, he'd be fired before he could say 'hypospatial transmission.' This is a serious enterprise, with profound future possibilities."

	Ross gave the sigh of a man making a fateful decision. "Okay, then. Guess I'll have to go without lunch for a while to pay for it, but if your service does what you say it'll be worth it. Give me the forms."

	When Ross had signed the contract with the Telagog Company, the salesman said: "Now we'll have to decide which class of telagog receiver to fit you with. For full two-way communication you use this headset with this hypospatial transmitter in your pocket. It's fairly conspicuous ..."

	"Too much so for me," said Ross.

	"Then we have this set, which looks like a hearing aid and has a smaller pocket control unit. This doesn't let you communicate by hypospatial broadcast with the controller, but it does incorporate an off-switch so you can cut off the controller. And, if you have to communicate with him, you can write a note and hold it up for him to see with your eyes."

	"Still kind of prominent. Got 'ny others?"

	"Yes, this last kind is invisible for practical purposes." The salesman held up a lenticular object about the size of an eyeglass lens but thicker, slightly concave on one face and thin around the edge. "This is mounted on top of your head, between your scalp and your skull."

	"How about controls?"

	"You can't cut off the controller, but you can communicate by clicks with this pocket wireless key. One click means 'take over,' two is 'lay off but stand by,' and three is 'over-and-out,' or 'that's all until the next schedule.' If you want to arrange a more elaborate code with your controller, that's up to you."

	"That looks like me," said Ross. "But have you got to bore holes in my skull for the wires?"

	"No. That's the beauty of this Nissen metal. Although the wires are only a few molecules thick, they're so strong that when the receiver is actuated and their coils are released they shoot right through your skull into your brain without making holes you can see except under the strongest microscope."

	"Okay," said Ovid Ross.

	"First we'll have to fit you and install the receiver. You'll take a local anesthetic, won't you?"

	"I guess so. Whatever you say."

	"Then you'd better have a practice session with your controllers. They have to get used to your body, you know."

	"Rather," said Gilbert Falck, taking off his helmet. He was a smallish blond young man about Ovid Ross's age. "You wouldn't want to knock your coffee-cup over because your arm is longer than mine, would you?"

	The gold lettering on the frosted-glass part of the door said:

-

1026
HOOLIHAN PUBLICATIONS
THE GARMENT GAZETTE

-

	Ovid Ross had stood in front of this door for fifteen awful seconds with his hand outstretched but not quite touching the knob, as if he feared an electric shock. God almighty, why did one have to be young and green and embarrassable? And from Rattlesnake, Montana? Then he remembered, reached into his pocket, and pushed the switch-button, once.

	He remembered what he had been taught: as the controller took over, relax gradually. Not too suddenly, or you might fall in a heap on the floor. That would not make a good impression on a prospective employer.

	The feeling of outside control stole over him with an effect like that of a heavy slug of hard liquor. He relaxed. A power outside his body was seeing with his eyes and sensing with his other senses. This power reached his arm out and briskly opened the door. Without volition on his part, he realized that he had stridden in and said to the girl at the switchboard behind the hole in the glass window, in friendly but firm and confident tones:

	"Will you please tell Mr. Sharpe that Mr. Ross is here to see him? I'm expected."

	Ross thought that, alone, he would have stumbled in, goggled wordlessly at the girl, stuttered, and probably ended by slinking out without seeing Sharpe at all. The control was not really complete — semi-automatic acts like breathing and walking were still partly under Ross's control — but Falck had taken over all the higher functions.

	Presently he was shaking hands with Addison Sharpe, the managing editor, a small man with steel-rimmed glasses. Ross amazed himself by the glibness with which his tongue threw off the correct pleasantries:

	"A very nice plant you have, sir ... I'm sure I shall enjoy it ... Yes, the salary mentioned by the agency will be satisfactory, though I hope eventually to convince you I'm really worth more ... References? Mr. Maurice Vachek of The Clothing Retailer; Mr. Joseph McCue of A. S. Glickman Fabrics ..."

	Not a word to indicate that this same McCue had pounded his desk and shouted, when firing Ovid Ross: "And here you are, a college man, who couldn't sell bed-warmers to Eskimos! What the hell good's your fancy education if it don't teach you nothing useful?"

	Luckily, McCue had promised to give him a good reference — provided the job were anything but selling. Ross was pleased to observe that his body's deportment under Falck's control, while much improved, was not altered out of all recognition. He still spoke his normal General American instead of with Falck's more easterly accents.

	Addison Sharpe was saying: "You'll find working conditions here a little unusual."

	"So?" said Falck-Ross.

	"For one thing, Mr. Hoolihan likes nearness. That means everybody cleans his desk completely before he goes home at night. Everything but the telephone, the calendar, the ash tray, and the blotter pad has to be out of sight."

	Ross felt his controller start a little. No wonder! This would be Ovid Ross's third trade journal, and never before had he come across such a ruling. Normally, staff writers and editors were allowed to build mares' nests of paper on their desks to suit themselves, so long as they delivered the goods.

	"For another," continued Sharpe, "Mr. Hoolihan disapproves of his employees' fraternizing with each other outside of working hours. He considers it bad for discipline."

	At this outrageous ukase, Ross felt Falck jerk again.

	"Finally," said Sharpe, "Mr. Hoolihan has a very acute sense of time. He takes it much amiss if his employees show up so much as one minute late, so the rest of us make a habit of arriving fifteen minutes early in the morning to allow for delays. Also, I advise you not to get in the habit of taking your newspaper down to the men's room to read, or ducking out for a mid-morning cup of coffee. The staff-writer you're replacing thought he couldn't live without his ten-o'clock coffee. That's why you're here and he isn't."

	Ross had an urge to ask how you got to be a trusty. However, he had no control over his vocal organs, and Falck was too well-trained for any such breaks.

	"Now," said Sharpe, "we'll go in to see Mr. Hoolihan."

	The tyrant overflowed his swivel chair: a big stout red-faced man with a fringe of graying hair around his pink dome of a scalp and great bushy eyebrows. Timothy Hoolihan extended a paw and wrung Ross's hand. He made. Ross's bones creak, despite the fact that Ross had gotten his start in life by pitching hay and throwing calves around.

	"Glad to have you!" barked Hoolihan in a staccato voice like a burst of machine-gun fire. "You do as we tell you, no reason we can't get along. Here! Read this! Part of every new employee's indoctrination. Ever hear of Frederick Winslow

	Taylor? Should have! Hundred years old and still makes sense."

	Falck-Ross glanced down at the brochure: a reprint of an ancient homily by Taylor on the duties of an employee.

	"Now, you hang around a couple of days, reading the files, getting oriented, and we'll put you in a definite assignment. Good luck! Take him away, Addison!"

	Overawed by this human dynamo, Ross was conscious of Falck's making some glib but respectful rejoinder and directing his body out of the office.

	For the first time since he had entered the office suite occupied by The Garment Gazette, Ross began to try to regain control. He urged his right hand towards the pocket in which reposed the little clicker key by which he communicated with Falck. Evidently Falck realized what he was up to, for he relaxed control long enough for Ross to get his hand into that pocket and press the knob, twice.

	At once Falck's control ceased. Ross, not catching himself quite in time, stumbled and recovered. Sharpe turned his head to give him an owlish stare. The managing editor took him around and introduced him to a half-dozen other people: staff writers (called "editors" on this paper), an advertising manager, and so forth. Then Sharpe showed Ross a cubicle with a desk.

	"Yours," he said. "Say, are you feeling all right?"

	"Sure. Why?"

	"I don't know. When we came out of Mr. Hoolihan's office your manner seemed to change. You're not sick, are you?"

	"Never felt better."

	"Heart all right? We wouldn't like you to conk out on us before you've worked long enough to pull your weight."

	"No, sir. My heart was good enough for me to be a practicing cowboy, so I guess this won't hurt it."

	Ross settled down at his new desk to read the Taylor article, the burden of which seemed to be that to get ahead one should practice abject submission to one's employer's slightest whim. While he was absorbing the eminent engineer's advice, one of the girls came in and placed on his desk a big ring binder containing last year's accumulation of file copies of The Garment Gazette, which he read.

	What Mr. Hoolihan really needed, he thought, was a multiple telagog set by which he could control all his employees all at once and all the time.

	During the lunch hour, Ovid Ross telephoned the Telagog Company and asked for Gilbert Falck. After some delay a voice said:

	"Falck speaking."

	"This is Ross, Ovid Ross. Say, it worked! I got the job!"

	"Oh, I know that. I monitored you for a half-hour after you shut me off, and cut in on you at odd minutes later."

	"Oh. But say, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated it. Uh. It's wonderful. Could I — could I blow you to a drink this evening after work?"

	"Wait till I look at my schedule ... Okay, five to six is free. Drop by on your way from work, eh?"

	Ovid Ross did. He found Falck, in line with his role as professional man-of-the-world, cordial but not unduly impressed by his accomplishment in getting Ross a job. When the first pair of drinks had been drunk, Falck bought a second round. Ross asked:

	"What I don't see is, how on earth do you do it? I have a hard enough time managing things like that for myself, let alone for some other guy."

	Falck made an airy motion. "Experience, my lad, practice. And balance. A certain mental co-ordination so you automatically roll with the punch and shoot for every opening. I've got rather a tough case coming up tomorrow. Client wants to put over a merger, and it'll take all my savoir-faire to see him through it." He sipped. "Then, too, the fact that it's not my job or my business deal or my dame helps. Gives me a certain detachment I mightn't have about my own affairs."

	"Like surgeons don't usually operate on their own kinfolk?"

	"Exactly."

	Ovid Ross did some mental calculations, subtracting the employment agency's fee and the charges of the Telagog Company from his assets, and decided that he could afford to buy one more round. By the time this had been drunk, he was in excellent spirits. He told Falck of Hoolihan's quirks. Falck commented:

	"Why, the damned little Napoleon! If he said that to me, I'd tell him where to stick his job." Falck glanced at his watch. "What's next on your agenda?"

	"I don't think I'll need any control for the next day or two, but as soon as I get oriented they're liable to send me out on an interview. So you better stand by."

	"Okay. Try to call me a little in advance to brief me. I want to cut Bundy in on your sensory circuits in case he has to substitute for me."

	When he got to the Y.M.C.A. where he lived, Ovid Ross telephoned a White Plains number and got an answer in a strong Russian accent:

	"Who is cullink, pliz?"

	"Mr. Ross would like to — uh — speak to Miss La Motte."

	"Oh. Vait." Then after a long pause: "Is that you, Ovid?"

	"Uh. Sure is. Know what? I got the job!"

	"Splendid! Are you working now?"

	"Yeah. It's a high-powered place as trade journals go. I only hope I can stick the boss."

	"Don't you like him?"

	"No, and neither does anybody else. But it's money. Say, Claire!"

	"Yes?"

	"I met a swell guy. Name of Falck. A real man-of-the-world. Knows his way around."

	"Good. I hope you see more of him."

	"How are the wild Russians?"

	"About the same. I had a terrible row with Peshkova."

	"Yeah? How come?"

	"I was teaching the boys American history, and she claimed I wasn't putting enough dialectical materialism into it. I should have explained that the American Revolution was a plot by the American bourgeoisie to acquire exclusive exploitation of the masses instead of having to share it with the British aristocracy. And I said a few things about if even the Russians had given up that line, why should I teach it? We were yelling at one another when Peshkov came in and made peace."

	"Has he made any more passes?" asked Ross anxiously.

	"No, except to stare at me with that hungry expression all the time. It gives me the creeps."

	"Well, some day ..." Ross's voice trailed off. He wanted to say something like: "Some day I'll marry you and then you won't have to tutor an exiled ex-commissar's brats any more."

	But, in the first place, he was too shy; in the second, he did not know Claire La Motte well enough;' and, in the third, he was not in a position to take on costly commitments.

	"Did you say something?" inquired Claire.

	"No — that is — uh — I wondered when we'd get together again."

	"I know! Are you busy Sunday?"

	"Nope."

	"Then come on up here. The Peshkovs will be gone all weekend, and the hired couple are going down to Coney. Bring your friend Mr. Falck, and his girl-friend if he has one."

	"Uh? Swell idea! I'll ask him."

	Claire La Motte gave Ross directions for reaching the estate which the Peshkovs had bought in Westchester County. After they had hung up, Ovid Ross sat staring at the telephone. He had been hoping for such an invitation. Ever since he had met Claire the previous winter, she had promised to have him to the Peshkovs' place in May or June, and now June was almost over. The Peshkovs had never absented themselves long enough.

	Then his old fear of embarrassment — erythrophobia, a psychologist had told him — rose up to plague him. Suppose Falck rebuffed his invitation? The thought gave him shivers. If only he could tender the invitation while under telagog control! But since Falck was his regular controller, he could hardly work it that way. And, having promised Claire, he would have to go through with this project.

	Through Wednesday and Thursday, orientation continued at The Garment Gazette. Ross read proof, helped Sharpe with makeup, and wrote heads: AUSTRALIAN WOOL DOWN; FALL FASHIONS FEATURE FUCHSIA; ILGWU ELECTS KATZ. Friday morning Addison Sharpe said:

	"We're sending you out this afternoon to interview Marcus Baffin."

	"The Outstanding Knitwear man?"

	"Yes."

	"What about? Anything special?"

	"That's what you're to find out. He called up to say he was planning something new in shows. First he talked to Mr. Hoolihan, who got mad and passed the call on to me. Baffin asked if we'd like to run a paragraph or two on this show, so

	I said I'd send a man. Heffernan's out so you'll have to take care of it."

	"I'll do my best," said Ross.

	Sharpe said: "It's about time we ran a feature on Marcus anyway. Quite a versatile and picturesque character."

	"What's his specialty?"

	"Oh, he plays the violin. He once went on an expedition he financed himself to find some bug in South America. Take the portrait Leica along and give him the works. His place is at 135 West Thirty-seventh Street."

	Ovid Ross telephoned the Telagog Company and made a luncheon date with Gilbert Falck. During lunch he told what he knew of his impending ordeal. Falck found a spot on his schedule when he could take charge of the interview.

	Ross also screwed up his nerve to pass on Claire's proposal for the week-end to Falck, who said:

	"Thanks, rather. I shall be glad to. Shall we go in your car or mine?"

	"Mine, since I made the invitation."

	"Fine. I'll get a girl."

	"Hey!" said Ross. "If you come along to Westchester you can't be in your booth controlling me if I run into an embarrassing situation."

	Falck raised his blond eyebrows. "What's embarrassing about a picnic with your best girl?"

	"Oh, you know."

	"No I don't, unless you tell me."

	Ross twisted his fingers. "I don't know her awfully well, but I think she's — she's — uh — well, I suppose you'd say I was nuts about her. And — and I always feel like I'm making a fool of myself."

	Falck laughed. "Oh, that. Jerry Bundy's on Sunday, so I'll tell him to monitor you and be ready to take over."

	Ross said: "You should call yourselves the John Alden Company."

	Falck smiled. "Bring on your Priscilla, and we'll bundle her for you."

	They parted, and Ross plunged back into the swarming garment district. He killed time, watching sweating shipping clerks push hand trucks loaded with dresses, until his controller returned to his booth and came on the hypospace. Then Ross sent in the signal.

	Marcus Ballin (Outstanding Knitwear: sweaters, T-shirts, bathing suits) was a medium-sized man with sparse gray hair and somewhat the air of one of the more amiable Roman emperors. Ovid Ross soon learned that his trepidations about having the man insult him or clam up had been needless. Marcus Ballin loved to talk, he was a fascinating talker, and best of all he loved talking about himself.

	Over the background noise of the knitting machines in the suite of lofts that comprised his empire, Ballin, with eloquent gestures of his cigar, poured into Falck-Ross's ears the story of his many activities. He told of his travels, his fun with his airplane and his violin, his charitable and settlement work, until Ross, a prisoner for the nonce in his own skull, wondered how this man of parts found time to be also one of the most successful garment manufacturers in New York.

	Falck-Ross said: "But, sir, how about that special show?"

	"Oh, that." Ballin chuckled. "Just a little stunt to help my fall line. Fm putting on a show for the buyers with a contest."

	"A contest?"

	"Absolutely. To choose the most beautiful bust in America."

	"What? But Mr. Ballin, won't the cops interfere?"

	Ballin laughed. "I wasn't intending to parade the girls in the nude. Nobody in the garment trade would encourage nudism; he'd be ostracized. They'll all be wearing Outstanding sweaters."

	"But how can you be sure some of 'em aren't — ah — boosting their chances by artificial means?"

	"Not this time. These sweaters will be so thin the judges can tell."

	"Who are the judges?"

	"Well, I'm one, and I got the sculptor Joseph Aldi for the second. The third I haven't picked out. I called that stuffed-shirt publisher of yours, but he turned me down. Let me see ..."

	"Mr. Ballin," Ross to his horror heard himself say, "I'm sure I should make a good judge."

	Ovid Ross was horrified for three reasons: first, to judge so intimate a matter in public would embarrass him to death; second, he thought it would impair his standing with Claire La Motte if she found out; finally, he would never, never come right out and ask anybody for anything in that crass way. He struggled to get his hand on the switch, but Gilbert Falck kept the bit in his teeth.

	"Yeah?" said Ballin. "That's an idea."

	"I've got good eyesight," continued Falck, ignoring the mental squirmings of Ross, "and no private axes to grind ..."

	Falck continued his line of sales chatter until Ballin said: "Okay, you're in, Mr. Ross." 

	"Whenisittobe?"

	"Next Thursday. I've already got over thirty entries, but next year if I repeat it there ought to be a lot more. We'd have to set up some sort of preliminary screening."

	Falck wound up the interview and took Ross's body out of the Outstanding Knitwear offices. Ross heard his body say:

	"Well, Ovid old boy, there's an opportunity most men would fight tooth and nail for. Anything to say before I sign off? Write it on your pad."

	As Falck released control, Ross wrote a couple of dirty words on the pad, adding: "You got me into this; you'll have to see me through."

	Falck, taking over again, laughed. "Rather! I have every intention of doing so, laddie."

-

	Back at the Gazette, Addison Sharpe whistled when he heard Ross's story. He said:

	"I don't know how the boss will like your getting in on this fool stunt. He turned Ballin down in no uncertain terms."

	"I'd think it would be good publicity for the paper," said Ross.

	"Well, Mr. Hoolihan has funny ideas; quite a Puritan. You wait while I speak to him."

	Ross sat down and wrote notes on his interview until Sharpe said: "This way, Ovid."

	The managing editor led him into Hoolihan's office, where the advertising manager was already seated. Hoolihan barked:

	"Ross, call up Ballin and tell him it's no go! At once! I won't have my clean sheet mixed up in his burlesque act!"

	"But, Mr. Hoolihan!" wailed the advertising manager. "Mr. Ballin has just taken a whole page for the October issue, and if you insult him he'll cancel it! And you know what our advertising account looks like right now."

	"Oh?" said Hoolihan. "I don't let advertisers dictate my editorial policies!"

	"But that's not all. Mike Ballin, his brother — or rather one of his brothers — is the bigshot at the Pegasus Cutting Machine Company, another advertiser."

	"Hm. That's another story."

	As the great man pondered his problems, the advertising manager added slyly: "Besides, if you don't let Ross judge, Ballin will simply get somebody from The Clothing Retailer or Women's Wear or one of the other sheets, and they'll get whatever benefit —"

	"I see," interrupted Hoolihan. "Ross! You go through with this act as planned, but heaven help you if you bring us any unfavorable notoriety! Keep yourself in the background. Play it close to your chest. No stunts! Get me? All right, back to work!"

	"Yes, Mr. Hoolihan," said Ovid Ross.

	"Yes, Mr. Hoolihan," said Addison Sharpe.

	"Yes, Mr. Hoolihan," said the advertising manager.

-

	Ovid Ross spent most of Saturday shining up his small middle-aged convertible and touching up the necks in the paint. He had to journey up to the Bronx to get to it, because automobile storage fees had become prohibitively high in Manhattan.

	Sunday morning, the sky was so overcast that Ross had doubts about his party. The paper, however, said fair, warm, and humid. By the time he went all the way up again by subway, got the car, and drove back to Manhattan to pick up Falck and his girl, the sun was burning its way through the overcast.

	Falck directed Ross to drive around to a brownstone front house in the west seventies to get the girl, whom he introduced as a Miss Dorothea Dunkelberg. She was a plump girl, very young-looking, and pretty in a round-faced bovine way. She was the kind whom their elders describe as "sweet" for want of any more positive attribute.

	They spun through a hot, humid forenoon up the Westchester parkways to the Peshkov estate near White Plains. As they turned in the driveway between the stone posts, Falck said:

	"These Russkys rather did all right by themselves, didn't they?"

	"Yeah," said Ross. "When they liquidated all the Commies in the revolution of '79, Peshkov was Commissar of the Treasury or something and got away with a couple of trunk-loads of foreign securities."

	"And he's been allowed to keep them?"

	"The new Russian Commonwealth has been trying to get hold of that dough ever since, but Peshkov keeps it hidden away or tied up in legal knots."

	"And your Miss La Motte tutors his kids?"

	"That's right. She doesn't like 'em much, but it's money."

	"Why, what sort of folks are they?"

	"Well, to give you an idea, Peskhov's idea of a jolly evening is to sit all alone in his living room with a pistol on the table beside him, drinking vodka and staring into space. Claire tells me he's been getting moodier and moodier ever since those anti-Communist Russians tried to assassinate him last year."

	A tremendous barking broke out. Around the corner of the house streaked a half-dozen Russian wolfhounds with long snaky heads thrust forward and long legs pumping like steel springs. The dogs rushed to where the automobile was slowly crunching up the winding gravel driveway and began racing around it like Indians circling a prairie schooner.

	"Do we have to fight our way through those?" said Dorothea Dunkelberg. "They scare me."

	"Claire will handle 'em," said Ross with more conviction than he felt. "She says they're friendly but dumb."

	The sun glinted on red hair as a figure in a play-suit appeared beside the mansion. Claire La Motte's voice came shrilly:

	"Ilya! Olga! Come here! Here, Dmitri! Behave yourself, Anastasia!"

	The dogs loped off towards the house, where the girl seized a couple by their collars and dragged them out of sight around the corner. The others followed. Presently, Claire appeared again and waved an arm towards the parking space. Ross parked and got out.

	As Claire La Motte approached the car, Ovid Ross reached into his pocket and pressed his switch button, once. Now, he hoped, he would show up all right in comparison with his slick friend Falck!

	He felt Jerome Bundy take over his body and stride it towards the approaching Claire. Behind him he heard a faint wolf-whistle from Falck. Instead of formally shaking hands with her and mumbling something banal while his ears pinkened and his knuckles seemed to swell to the size of baseballs, Ross heard his body bellow:

	"Hi there, beautiful!"

	Then it clamped its hands around Claire's small waist and hoisted her to arm's length overhead. He let her slip back into his arms, briefly hugged the breath out of her, and dropped her to the ground. As he did so he thought he caught a smothered murmur:

	"Why, Ovid!"

	At least, thought Ross, he was glad that Bundy hadn't made him kiss her or spank her behind. It was all very well for his controller to take an attitude of hearty familiarity, but that sort of thing could easily be carried too far. Popular mythology to the contrary notwithstanding, many girls really disliked caveman tactics.

	Ross's body then affably introduced Claire La Motte to his new friends. Claire said:

	"I thought we'd take a walk around the grounds and then eat a picnic lunch on the edge of the pool. Then later we can take a swim."

	"Oh," said Bundy-Ross. "Gil, grab the suits and towels."

	Falck brought these objects out of the rear seat of the car and walked after the others.

	"Over that way," said Claire, pointing over the trees, "is the Untereiner estate. The Wyckman estate used to be beyond it, but now they're putting up apartment houses on it."

	There were the conventional murmurs about the never-ending growth of New York's commutershed, both in size and in population. Claire continued:

	"And over that way is the MacFadden estate, only the Mutual Fidelity bought it as a club for their employees. And in that direction is the Heliac Health Club."

	"What's that?" said Dorothea Dunkelberg.

	"A nudist camp."

	"Oh. I thought they weren't allowed in this state?"

	"They aren't, but it's become so popular the law's not enforced any more. On the other hand, it can't be repealed because the legislators are afraid the religious groups would raise a fuss."

	They started towards the pool when another outbreak of barking halted them. Claire wailed:

	"Oh, goodness, they got out again! Dmitri has learned to work the latch with his paw!"

	The borzois boiled around the corner of the mansion as if pursuing the biggest wolf in Siberia. One made a playful fifteen-foot spring with its forepaws against Gilbert Falck, sending the telagog controller rolling on the greensward. Towels and bathing suits flew about, to be snatched up by the dogs and borne off fluttering. Claire screamed:

	"Yelena! Igor! Behave yourselves!"

	No attention did they pay. A couple raced off having a running tug-of-war with Dorothea Dunkelberg's suit, while another amused itself by throwing one of the bath towels into the air and catching it again.

	"Playful little fellows," said Falck, getting up and brushing the grass off his pants.

	"Very," said Claire, and started to apologize until Falck stopped her.

	"Not your fault, lassie. Don't give it a thought." Falck wiped a drop of sweat from his nose. "I'm going to miss those suits, rather. If you find them in the woods, not too badly tattered, you might send 'em back to us."

	"Sticky, isn't it?" said Claire. "Anyway we still have the lunch."

	"What's to keep these Hounds of the Baskervilles from raiding our food?" asked Ross's body.

	"I don't know, until I can get them shut up again and tie the gate closed."

	Dorothea said in her faint squeak: "Maybe we could sit in a row on the springboard. They'd be scared to come out over the water, wouldn't they?"

	And so it was done. The smell of food attracted the dogs, who lined up on the edge of the pool and whined until Claire, with the men's help, collared them two at a time and led them back to their kennels.

-

	Gilbert Falck wiped his hands on his paper napkin and said: "Excuse me, people. I just remembered a 'phone call. May I use the Peshkov 'phone, Claire?"

	He followed Claire into the Peshkovs' palatial living room, where a life-sized portrait of Stalin hung on the wall. As she was pointing out the telephone, Falck casually captured her hand and said:

	"I say, Claire, that sofa looks rather comfortable. Why don't we sit down and get better acquainted?"

	Claire slipped her hand out of his and said: "You make your call, Gil; I have my other guests to entertain."

	Falck sighed and called the Telagog Company. He got Jerome Bundy on the line and said:

	"Jerry, your control is laying an egg again. He does all right while you control him, but the minute you let go he just sits staring at the dame with an expression like a hungry wolf."

	"Well?"

	"I rather thought the next time you take over you'd better give him a more aggressive and uninhibited pattern. The poor jerk will never get anywhere under his own steam."

	"I don't know," said Bundy dubiously. "I thought I was giving him an aggressive pattern. I don't want to queer his pitch by —"

	"Don't worry about that. His girl just confided to me she wishes he weren't such a stick. Give him the works."

	"Okay," said Bundy.

	Falck walked out with a knowing grin. When he came in sight of the other three he called:

	"Did somebody say something about tennis?"

	Ovid Ross immediately switched his control back to Bundy. He had no illusions about his game: a powerful serve and a bullet-like forehand drive, but no control to speak of.

	They made it mixed doubles, Ross and Claire against the other two. To his amazement, Ross found his smashes going, not into the net or the wire as usual, but into the corners of the other court where nobody could touch them. Claire was pretty good, Dorothea rather poor, but Gilbert Falck excellent, with a catlike agility that more than made up for his lack of Ross's power. The first set got up to 5-5, then 6-5, then 6-6, then 7-6 ...

	Dorothea Dunkelberg wailed: "I can't any more, Gil. I'll pass out in this heat."

	"Okay," said Falck smoothly. "No law says we have to. Boy, I rather wish we had those bathing suits. Claire, the Commies wouldn't have some spares, would they?"

	"I don't think so; they never keep old clothes. They say in Russia nothing was too good for them and they expect to have it that way here."

	They trailed down the little hill from the tennis court and stood looking longingly at the clear, pale-green water in the pool. Ross was aware that Bundy was wiping his forehead for him. Thoughtful of him ... But then Ross was horrified to hear his controller say in that masterful way:

	"Who wants bathing suits? Come on, boys and girls, take your clothes off and jump in!"

	"What?" squealed Dorothea.

	"You heard me. Off with 'em!"

	"Well, I have a suit —"began Claire, but Bundy-Ross roared:

	"No you don't! Not if the rest of us —"

	The next few minutes were, for Ovid Ross's impotent psyche, a time of stark horror. How he got through them without dying of an excess of emotion he never knew. He frantically tried to regain control of his right arm to reach his switch, but Bundy would not let him. Instead Bundy took off Ross's sport-shirt and shorts, wadded them into a ball, and threw them under the springboard, meanwhile exhorting the others to do likewise and threatening to throw them in clad if they refused ...

	They were sitting in a row on the edge of the pool, breathing hard with drops streaming off them and splashing the water with their feet. Ross caught a glimpse of Falck looking at him with a curious expression, between displeasure and curiosity, as if something he had carefully planned had gone awry. The controller was showing a tendency to play up to Claire more than Ross liked, so that poor Dorothea was rather ignored. Ross heard Bundy say with his vocal organs:

	"We want to be careful not to get that white strip around our middles burned."

	"How about finishing that set now?" said Falck.

	They got up and walked up the slope to the court. Bundy-Ross, whose serve it was, was just getting his large knobby toes lined up on the backline for a smash when a fresh outburst of barking made all turn. Claire cried:

	"Damn! I'll bet they've gotten loose again."

	"Isn't that a car?" said Dorothea.

	"Oh, gosh!" said Claire as the sun flashed on a windshield down the driveway. "Its the Peshkovs! They weren't supposed to be here till this evening! What'll we do?"

	"Make a dash for our clothes," said Falck.

	"Too late," said Claire as the purr of the car, hidden behind the mansion, grew louder and then stopped. "Run for the woods!"

	She ran into the woods, the others trailing. There were ouches and grunts as bushes scratched their shins and their unhardened soles trod on twigs. Dorothea said:

	"Isn't that poison ivy?"

	Falck looked. "I rather think it's Virginia creeper, but we'd better not take chances."

	"Oh, dear! I hope we don't find a hornets' nest."

	Bundy-Ross said: "It would be more to the point to hope a nest of hornets doesn't find us."

	They came to a wire fence. Ross heard Bundy say: "That's easy to climb over. Hook your toes over the wire, like this."

	"Ouch," said Dorothea. "What's on the other side?"

	"The Heliac Health Club," said Claire.

	"Rather a bit of luck," said Falck, climbing. "The one place in Westchester County where we're dressed for calling."

	Ross thought desperately of the switch that would return control of his body to him. The switch was in the right side pocket of his shorts, and his shorts, along with his other clothes and those of his companions, lay in a heap under the springboard at the edge of the pool.

	"Have you ever been here, Claire?" asked Dorothea.

	"No, but I have an idea of the layout. This way."

	They straggled again through the woods. Presently they found a trail. Dorothea shrieked at the sight of a garter snake.

	Claire led them along the trail, until they came out of the woods on to a grassy field. On this field stood, in irregular rows, forty-odd canvas-covered platforms about the size and height of beds. On over half these platforms, the guests of the Heliac Club sat or sprawled in the costume of their avocation, reading, talking, card-playing, or dozing.

	One scholarly-looking man, unadorned save for a pipe and pince-nez, sat on the edge of his cot with a portable typewriter in his lap. Beyond, some people played volleyball and other tennis. On the right rose the rear of an old ex-mansion; on the left, a row of dilapidated-looking one-room cabins could be seen.

	As his eyes, under Bundy's control, took in the scene, Ovid Ross observed several things about the nudists. There were three or four times as many men as women. Most of the people were middle-aged. They were certainly not there to show off their beauty, for many of the men were paunchy and the women pendulous.

	After the initial shock had passed off, Ross became conscious of the white equatorial bands of himself and his companions, compared to the uniform brownness of the sun worshippers. A few of the latter, however, though well-browned elsewhere, displayed an angry red on the areas that gleamed white on his own party: the parts normally covered by shorts and halters.

	"Good afternoon," said a voice. Ross saw a severe-looking gray-haired woman, deeply and uniformly browned, confronting them. "Have you people registered and paid your grounds fee?"

	"No, but ..." said Falck, then stumbled for words despite his professional suavity.

	"Have you references?" said the woman. "We like to know who our guests are."

	Ross expected his controller to step into the breach, but even the self-possessed Bundy appeared unable to cope with this situation.

	Claire La Motte took the woman aside and explained their predicament. Ross saw the woman's face melt into a smile, then a laugh. Bundy turned Ross's head away to survey the rest of the scene.

	Near at hand, on one of the platforms, a well-built middle-aged man with sparse gray hair and the air of an affable Roman emperor smoked a cigar and read a newspaper. Ross was sure that he had seen the man before. The same thought must have occurred to his controller, for Ross's eyes stopped roving with the man right in the center of the field. The man looked up as if conscious of scrutiny. His gaze froze as it rested on Ross as if he, too, thought that he recognized Ross.

	Ross heard his voice say: "Why hello, Mr. Ba —"

	"Please!" said Marcus Ballin, with so earnest a gesture that Bundy stopped in the middle of the name.

	"Everybody goes by first names only here," continued Ballin. "I'm Marcus, you're — uh — what was that first name of yours?"

	"Ovid."

	"Okay, Ovid. Come a little closer, please." Ballin lowered his voice. "For me it would be particularly bad if this got out. I'd be considered a traitor to my trade. Why, even the garment-trade magazines, yours for instance, run editorials knocking nudism."

	"I shouldn't think they'd take it so seriously as that."

	"No? Well, you're not old enough to remember when there was a straw-hat industry. Where is it now? Gone, because men don't wear hats in summer any more. And women used to wear stockings in summer too. If everybody ..." Ballin spread his hands.

	"What would happen if the word got around?" asked Bundy-Ross. "Would the cutters and operators and pressers line up in a hollow square while the head buyer at Sachs' cut off your buttons?"

	"No, but I'd be ostracized at least. It would even affect my business contacts. And my particular branch of the industry, summer sportswear, feels the most keenly about it of any. So you'll keep it quiet, won't you?"

	"Sure, sure," said Bundy-Ross, and turned to his companions. The gray-haired woman was going away. Claire explained:

	"She's gone to get a play-suit to lend me so I can go back and pick up our clothes."

	Bundy-Ross introduced his companions by given names to Ballin, who said: "You've got nice taste in girls, Ovid. Claire should be a model. Did you ever try that, Claire?"

	"I thought of it, but I'm not long and skinny enough for a clothes model and not short and fat enough for an artists' model."

	"Anyway, Claire's too well-educated," put in Falck.

	"To me you look just right," said Ballin. "Say, Ovid, why couldn't she be entered in my contest? The local talent" (he indicated the rest of the club by a motion of an eyebrow) "isn't too promising."

	"What contest?" said Claire.

	Ballin started to explain, then changed his mind. "Ovid will tell you. I think you'd have an excellent chance, and there's a nice little cash prize. Three prizes, in fact."

	"You certainly make me curious," said Claire.

	Bundy-Ross said: "If she's a friend of mine, and I'm a judge, wouldn't it look kind of funny?"

	"No, no. If Aldi and I thought you were favoring her, we'd outvote you. Anyway, it's my contest, so I can run it as I please. When you can, take her aside and tell her about it."

	The gray-haired woman returned with a play-suit. Claire departed at a trot. A few minutes later, she was back with a bundle of clothes.

-

	Ross, as soon as he got his shorts on, strained to get his right hand into his pocket. Bundy let him do so and he pressed the button twice.

	Under his own power, Ross walked back along the trail. He lagged behind Falck and Dorothea so that he could begin an elaborate and groveling apology:

	"Uh. Claire."

	"Yes?"

	"I'm — uh — awfully sorry. I don't — uh — know ..."

	"Sorry about what?"

	"All this. This afternoon. I don't know what got into me."

	"For heaven's sake don't apologize! I haven't had so much fun in years."

	"You haven't?"

	"No. I've had the time of my life. I didn't know you had it in you. By the way, what is this contest?"

	A little confused, Ross told her about the contest to select the most beautiful bust. He expected her to spurn the suggestion with righteous wrath and outraged propriety. Instead, she said:

	"Why, that was sweet of him! I'm very much flattered." She glanced down at her exhibits. "Tell him ni be glad to enter if I can arrange to get off early enough Thursday."

	Women, thought Ovid Ross, have no shame. As he climbed the fence, he revised the intention he had held, to drop in at the offices of the Telagog Company, knock Mr. Jerome Bundy's block off, and demand that the company remove the receiver from his cranium forthwith. Bizarre though the actions of his controller might seem, they seemed to have added up to a favorable impression on Claire.

	Moreover, this infernal contest still loomed ahead of him. While he could no doubt beg off from Ballin, such a cowardly act would lower him in Claire's eyes. He'd better plan for telagog control during this crisis at least.

	Back on the Peshkovs' grounds, as he neared his automobile, he was intercepted by a stocky man with an expressionless moonface. The man wore an old-fashioned dark suit and even a neck-tie. Claire introduced the man as Commissar Peshkov — Bogdan Ipolitovich Peshkov.

	Behind the man hovered another of similar appearance, wearing a derby hat. From what he had heard, Ross took this to be Fadei, the chauffeur-bodyguard. Peshkov extended a limp hand.

	"Glad to mit you, Comrade," he said in a mournful voice. "I hup you had a nice time."

	Ross shook the hand, collected his party, and drove off.

-

	Early Thursday morning, Gilbert Falck entered the offices of the Telagog Company when nobody else was present. There was not even a single controller carrying a client through an early-morning crisis. Without hesitation, the young man got to work on the mechanism of his control booth and Jerome Bundy's next to it.

	With a screwdriver he removed the panel that covered the wiring at the front of the booth. He traced the wiring until he found a place where the return motor leads of his booth and Bundy's ran side by side. With wire cutters he cut both wires and installed a double-pole double-throw knife switch. When the switch was down the controls would operate as usual; when it was up, he would control Bundy's client while Bundy controlled his. However, as the sensory circuits were not affected, each would continue to see, hear, and feel the sensations of his own client.

	Falck did not consider himself a heel. But he had fallen heavily in love with Claire La Motte and deemed all fair in love. His effort to have Ross disgrace himself by uninhibited behavior in Westchester had backfired, so that Ross had ended up more solid with Claire than ever.

	Ross, while he had not exactly complained to the company about the paces that Bundy had put him through, had asked them to go easy. This request had caused Falck's and Bundy's supervisor to glower suspiciously and to warn the two controllers not to try stunts. Therefore, Falck did not dare to undertake any direct bollixing of his client's actions or to ask Bundy to. He must work by a more subtle method.

	He had already tried to date Claire by telephone. She, however, was free only on week-ends and had been dated up solidly for the next two by Ross. After this afternoon's contest, some of those dates might no longer be so solid.

	Falck measured the panel. With a hand auger, he drilled two tiny holes in it. Then he looped a length of fishline around the crosspiece of the knife switch and pushed both ends back through the upper hole in the panel from the back. He did likewise with another length of line through the lower hole, screwed the panel back into place, and tautened the lines.

	Now he had only to pull hard on the upper double length of fishline to pull the switch from the down to the up position. Then, if he released one end of the line and reeled in the other, he would remove the line entirely from the works and could stuff it into his pocket. Similar operations with the lower line would return the switch to its original position.

	Later, when the excitement had died down, he would remove the panel again and take out the switch. There was a chance, of course, that the electricians would come upon the switch in checking for trouble, but Gilbert Falck was no man to boggle at risks.

-

	About ten on Thursday morning, Ross's telephone in the Gazette offices rang.

	"Ovid? This is Claire. You won't have to meet my train after all."

	"Why not?"

	"Because Peshkov's driving me down."

	"That guy! Is he planning to attend the contest?"

	"So he says. Would Mr. Ballin mind?"

	"Hm. I don't think so, but I'll call him and straighten it out. I got — I've got influence with him. Is Peshkov coming alone?"

	"Well, he wouldn't let his family be contaminated by this example of bourgeois frivolity, but he wants to bring Fadei."

	"The goon? No sir! Tell him he'll be welcome (I think) but no bodyguards."

	Ross called the Outstanding Knitwear Company and persuaded a dubious Marcus Ballin to let Peshkov attend the showing.

	The contest took place in Marcus Ballin's showroom, directly underneath his lofts. Despite the swank decor of the showroom, the noise and vibration of the knitting machines came faintly through the ceiling. The showroom had been fixed up something like a nightclub, with a stage a foot high on one side and little round tables spread around in a double horseshoe.

	There were over three hundred spectators present, including representatives from The Clothing Retailer and other garment-trade magazines. These distributed themselves around the tables, to which a group of hardworking servitors brought trayloads of cocktails and small edible objects on toothpicks.

	While Ivory Johnstone's band from Harlem entertained the audience, Ballin and Ross lined up the contestants behind scenes. Each of the lovely ladies wore a lightweight Outstanding sweater.

	These sweaters were so sheer that to Ross they seemed practically non-existent, following every contour of their wearers' bodies with implacable fidelity. Under normal conditions, this spectacle would have reduced Ross to a state of stuttering embarrassment. But as Gilbert Falck was now operating his body, he could give no outward sign of his feelings.

	With a worried frown, Ballin said: "Say, Ovid, where's that little redhead of yours?"

	"I'll look." Ross put his head around the end of the backdrop to look over the audience.

	Claire La Motte and Bogdan Peshkov were just coming in, the latter the only man in the room wearing a coat. Peshkov said something that Ross could not catch over the distance and hubbub, patted Claire's arm, waved her towards the stage, seated himself at one of the tables, and haughtily beckoned a waiter. Claire started uncertainly towards the stage, then sighted Ross and walked quickly to where he stood.

	Ballin said: "All right, Miss La Motte, here's your sweater.

	This is the third judge, Joe Aldi." He indicated a swarthy, muscular young man with a dense glossy-black beard who stood by with his hands on his hips. "Just step behind that curtain to put it on. Nothing under it, you know."

	With these sweaters, thought Ross, it made little difference where she put it on. In looking over the talent, Falck-Ross had already eliminated many of the girls. He had also picked several whom he expected to place high. Among these were (according to the badges pinned to their waist) Miss Loretta Day (neé Wieniawski), the noted burlesque queen; and Miss Shirley Archer, a model from the Towers agency. Claire, the unknown amateur, would find stiff competition.

	"Line up, girls," said Ballin. "Look at the girls next to you to make sure you're in alphabetical order. The A's are at this end."

	A female voice down the line said: "Does M come before or after N?"

	Ballin continued: "You introduce them first time around, Ovid. Here's the list. As you call each one I'll send her out. Make it snappy, so one's coming out while the previous one's going."

	Ballin strolled out upon the stage, waited for applause to die down, and gave a little speech: "So glad to see you all here this fine summer day ..." (It was drizzling outside.) "... our new line of fall sportswear ... the pre-eminent position of the Outstanding Knitwear Company ... an assortment of fine, healthy upstanding American beauties ... will be introduced by one of the judges, Mr. Ovid Ross of The Garment Gazette."

	Ross came out in his turn. During the first few steps, his spirit quailed within him. After that he found that he did not mind. In fact, if Falck had not been controlling him, he thought that he would be able to manage the act as well as Falck.

	As the girls came out he called their names: "Miss Wilma Abbott ... Miss Miriam Amter ... Miss Shirley Archer ..."

	The spectators applauded each one — all but the ex-commissar. Bogdan Peshkov sat alone, his potbelly bulging out over his thighs, drinking down cocktails with great gulps, staring somberly at the scene and occasionally glancing nervously over his shoulder.

	Ballin stood just out of sight of the spectators with a duplicate, list in his hand, checking the girls' names as they filed past him so that there should be no mix-ups.

	Then all forty-six girls came out and lined up on the stage in a double rank. Ballin and Aldi came out, too. The three judges paraded back and forth. The plan was that any judge who thought that any girl had a good chance should tap her on the shoulder, the idea being to reduce the contestants to a mere dozen or so. Falck-Ross tapped Claire La Motte, Miss Archer, Miss Day, and a couple of other lovelies.

	The contestants filed off again. As soon as they were off the stage, a couple of those who had not been chosen dissolved into tears, causing their eye-makeup to run. Claire La Motte paused near Ross to murmur:

	"Ovid, I don't like the look on Peshkov's face. He's drinking himself stiff, and he looks the way he did the night he shot all the panes out of the picture window."

	"Oh," said Falck-Ross.

	"Can't you hurry this thing through before he gets worse?"

	"It'll take half or three-quarters of an hour yet, but I'll do my best."

	Ross went back on the stage. The thirteen girls remaining in the contest paraded as before while Falck-Ross introduced them: "Miss Shirley Archer ... Miss Loretta Day ... Miss Mary Ferguson ..."

	It did, as he had foreseen, take a lot of time, during which Peshkov's pudding-face stared at him with unnerving blankness between cocktails.

	After consultation, the judges eliminated all but three contestants: Shirley Archer, Loretta Day, and Claire La Motte. These paraded one by one as before, then lined up on the stage. Falck-Ross began a whispered consultation with Ballin and Aldi. Left to himself, Ross would have had trouble choosing among the three girls. He thought that, "aside from personal sentiments, Miss Day had perhaps a slight edge.

	Marcus Ballin, whose taste ran to cones, preferred Miss Archer. Joseph Aldi, whose bent lay in the direction of hemispheres, argued as stoutly for Miss Day. Falck-Ross spoke up for Miss La Motte on the ground that, presenting an intermediate or spheroconoidal form, she embodied the golden mean.

	Ballin and Aldi would not be budged. At last Ballin whispered:

	"Put down your second and third choices. We can't stand here arguing all afternoon."

	When the choices for the lesser places were written down, it was found that both Ross and Ballin had named Miss Day for second.

	"Okay," said Ballin. "Ovid and I will go along with you, won't you, Ovid? Day it is. Now we'll pick second and third prizes. I'd give La Motte second ..."

	As Claire was chosen second, Miss Archer took third. Ballin stepped to the edge of the stage with his arms up and cried:

	"Ladies and gentlemen: By unanimous opinion of the judges, first prize in this great and unique Outstanding Knitwear Company bust-beauty contest is awarded to Miss Loretta Day —"

	"Stop!" said a voice.

	"What was that?" said Ballin.

	"I said stop!" It was Peshkov, erect and weaving. "De best-looking girl is obvious Miss Claire La Motte. To give de first prize to anodder one is obvious capitalistic injostice. I order you to change your decision. Oddervise, to de penal camps of Siberia!"

	"What — what —"sputtered Ballin. Then he pulled himself together and assumed an air as regal as that of the ex-commissar. He gestured to a couple of waiters.

	"Remove this man!"

-

	At that moment, in a control booth of the Telagog Company, Gilbert Falck reached down, felt around until he had located his upper fishline, and pulled. When he had drawn the line as far as it would go, he let go one end and pulled on the other until he had the whole thing in his hands. He stuffed the string into his pants pocket. Now he was controlling Bundy's ballet dancer, while Bundy, unknowing in the next booth, was controlling his trade-journal staff writer.

	In a dance studio, where the ballet dancer was performing hopefully under the eyes of a troupe manager in the expectation of being hired, he suddenly fell to the floor. Questions and shaking failed to rouse him. He lay where he had fallen, staring blankly and making odd walking motions with his legs and arms as if he were still erect.

	At the same instant, while the waiters designated by Ballin as bouncers were staring apprehensively at their quarry, Ovid Ross took off in a tremendous leap from the stage and began bounding around the showroom, leaping high into the air to kick his heels together and flinging his arms about Ross, imprisoned in his skull, was as astonished as anyone. He thought Falck must have gone mad.

	Ross's astonishment changed to terror as he saw that he was bearing down on Bogdan Peshkov. The ex-commissar took a pistol from under his coat and waved it, shouting in Russian.

	Bang! Glass tinkled. Ross took off in another leap that brought him down right on top of Peshkov. His body slammed into that of the ex-commissar. The two crashed into Peshkov's table. They rolled to the floor in a tangle of limbs and broken glass and table legs.

	Ross found that his body was still kicking and flapping its arms. A kick accidentally sank into Peshkov's paunch and reduced the Muscovite to a half-comatose condition.

	Then the seizure left Ross's body. He rose to his feet, fully under his own control. Everybody was talking at once. Several men gripped Peshkov while another gingerly held his pistol. Spectators crawled out from under tables.

	Ross looked around, took a deep breath, and walked to the stage. Ballin was flapping his hands while Miss Archer had hysterics.

	Ross faced the disorganized audience and bellowed: "Attention, everybody! All but those holding Mr. Peshkov take your seats. We will now go on with the contest. Waiters, mop up the spilled liquor. See that everybody has what he wants. Mr. Ballin was announcing the final results when he was interrupted. He will continue from there on."

	So successful was Ross in restoring order that hardly a ripple of excitement was caused by the arrival of policemen to take Peshkov away.

-

	After it was over, Ballin said: "You sure handled that, Ovid. How did you have nerve to jump on a man with a gun? That was reckless."

	Ross made a deprecating movement. "Shucks, just an impulse, I guess. Too bad your show got kind of beat up, though."

	"That's all right We got the publicity."

	"The only thing that worries me," said Ross, "is that Mr. Hoolihan's apt to think I got entirely too much publicity and fire me. Maybe you as a big advertiser could bring a little — uh — moral pressure?"

	Ballin drew on his cigar and looked sharply at Ross. He said:

	"Ovid, I've been thinking. The way things stand, you'll be tempted to try a Utile gentle blackmail on me because of the Heliac Club."

	As Ross started to protest, Ballin held up a hand. "The only way to make sure you don't, as I see it, is to make your interests identical with my own."

	"Yes?"

	"I've got a little venture capital lying loose, and I've been thinking of starting a new trade journal, something like The Garment Gazette but specializing in sportswear."

	"You mean a house organ?"

	"God forbid! Nothing's duller than house organs. This would be a regular general-circulation journal, run independently of the Outstanding Knitwear Company. The managing editor would have a free hand to call his shots as he saw them. How would you like the job?"

	When Ross got his breath back he could only say: "Gosh, Mr. Ballin!"

	"However, your first assignment will have nothing to do with the magazine at all."

	"Huh? What then?"

	"It will be to accompany me to the Heliac Health Club for a week-end of healthful relaxation. After that, we'll be in the same boat!"

-

	The following morning, Ovid Ross turned in his story and pictures on the bust-beauty contest and gave notice. Timothy Hoolihan grumped about Ross's pay's having been wasted, since he had not been on long enough to become useful.

	"But Mr. Hoolihan!" said Ross. "Look at the opportunity! If I asked Mr. Ballin to wait a month, he'd find somebody else. And didn't the Taylor article say to try to please your employer in all things? And isn't he my future employer?"

	"Huh," snorted Hoolihan. "Suppose so. Damn it, I don't know what's the matter with this firm! We have the highest turnover of any trade journal I know of. No sooner get 'em broken in than off they go!"

	Ross could have told Hoolihan that his violent power-complex might have something to do with it. But he forebore. It would only lead to an argument, and he might want a reference from Hoolihan some day.

	Then Ross walked across town to the Telagog Company and told the receptionist: "Uh — send in that salesman, that Mr. Nye."

	The salesman came in full of apologies: "... and while of course you waived damages in your contract, we are so anxious to please you that we're offering a one-year free extension of your three months' trial telagog subscription. Moreover, Mr. Falck is no longer in our employ."

	"What happened?"

	"Our Mr. Bundy, whose wires were crossed with Mr. Falck's, suspected something and came in early this morning to find Falck taking out that switch he installed behind his panel. Falck, knowing how complicated hypospatial circuits are, had figured the electricians would get down to tracing the crossover this afternoon. Now about that extension —"

	"Never mind. Just take this gadget out of my head, will you?"

	"You mean you don't want any more telagog control?"

	"That's right. I found I can do well enough by myself."

	"But you don't know. Your erythrophobia may take you unawares —"

	"I'll worry about that when the time comes. Right now I feel that, with all I've been through in the past week, I can never be embarrassed again."

	Nye looked dubious. "That's not psychologically sound."

	"I don't care. That's the way it is."

	"We're pretty busy today. Couldn't you come in again next week?"

	"No. I'm getting married tomorrow and leaving on a two weeks' trip, and starting a new job when I get back."

	"Congratulations! Is it that Miss La Motte that Bundy and Falck were talking about?"

	"Yes."

	"They said she was a pip. How did you manage it with your shyness?"

	"When I walked her to the train, I just asked her, and she said yes. Simple as that."

	"Fine. But after all, you know, a man's wedding day and the night following it constitute a crisis of the first magnitude. With one of our experts at your personal helm you need not fear —"

	"No!" shouted Ovid Ross, smiting the chair arm with his fist. "By gosh, there's some things I'm gonna do for myself! Now get that neurosurgeon out of his office and get to work!"

-

Internal Combustion

	Napoleon raised the limp cadaver by one claw, looked at it with his remaining eye, and said: "Hercules, you forget how heavy your fist is and how fragile the crania of these organisms are. This one is damaged beyond repair."

	"Gee, I'm sorry, boss," said Hercules. "I only wanted to stop him from running away, like you told me to."

	"Faithful fellow! I doubt if this itinerant mendicant would have proved a satisfactory puppet in any case. His character was too firmly set in patterns of dissipation and irresponsibility. Conceal the remains in the cellar until nightfall; then inter them."

	"Okay, boss," said Hercules.

	He clanked out of the library with the body under one arm. The MacDonald mansion had few furnishings left: a few broken-down chairs, a few tattered books on the shelves of the library. On the walls appeared rectangles of different colors from the rest where pictures had hung before the MacDonald heirs had finally stripped the house.

	"What now?" asked Confucius. The other two liquid-fuel robots, Galahad and Sancho Panza, leaned forward attentively but did not speak. Sancho Panza could not because his vocalizer was broken, and he had never been able to save enough money to have it replaced.

	"I do not know yet," said Napoleon, settling his black, drum-shaped body back on its three good legs.

	The floor creaked but held under the nuclear robot's two-thousand-pound weight. It held because the cellar did not extend under the library, which rested on a thick concrete slab in turn supported by the sands of Coquina Beach. Fear of falling through the rotting floor and the malfunction of one leg had confined Napoleon to the library for years. Being nuclear-powered, he did not have to forage for fuel as did the other derelict robots dwelling in the ghost mansion. Before he had been discarded, Napoleon had the usual robotic inhibitions against hostile acts towards men. But hard radiations, escaping from the thick shielding around his pile and transpiercing his brain, had broken these down.

	The mansion had been built a half-century before by William Bancroft MacDonald, the newspaper magnate. MacDonald had made his fortune by teaching his readers to hate and fear Latin-Americans and Canadians. His descendants occupied the mansion until his grandchildren gave up the struggle against termites, damp-rot, and the high cost of running a big house. So the robums, worn-out emancipated robots, squatted in the ruin without hindrance.

	"I must think,", said Napoleon. "Always have a plan; leave nothing to chance."

	"Your last plan wasn't so good," said Galahad.

	"I could not foresee that this itinerant mendicant would prove both alcoholic and moronic. I offered him everything these organic people want: honor, glory, and riches. Had he evinced a willingness to follow my orders, I should have trained him, entered him in politics, and raised him to the leadership of this nation if not of the world. Yet, so terrified was he that he sought escape."

	"Gosh," said Confucius. "Just think: all the kerosene we want and a good gasoline binge whenever we feel like it!"

	"What was that idea about a kid, boss?" said Galahad.

	"It is a more hazardous plan, but it offers greater possibilities. By rearing the organism from childhood we can more readily train it in the direction we wish it to go. The problem is: what child?"

	Galahad said: "Homer knows a kid. The Sanborn kid, four houses north of here."

	 "Ah?" said Napoleon. "Perchance the hand of destiny offers a second opportunity. Tell me about this 'kid.' "

-

	Homer walked north along Coquina Beach. The bright sun stood high over palms and cypresses. The waves of the Gulf broke heavily on the sand, each wave leaving scores of shiny little coquina clams, no two with the same color scheme: white, ivory, butter-yellow, red, blue, and purple. Before the next wave arrived, each coquina up-ended and burrowed out of sight.

	Homer was looking for shells. Not just any shells, like those that crunched under his metallic feet with every step. He wanted rare shells that he could sell for money for kerosene to power him to hunt for more shells.

	Most of the shells — conchs, strombs, scallops, oysters, clams, razor clams, murices, and so forth — were worthless. Now and then, however, a beachcomber could find one like the double sunburst, which would keep Homer in kerosene for a fortnight. Once he had found a perfect junonia, which kept all the robums going for a month and provided gasoline for an orgy as well.

	The angel-wing clam was rare on the beach, but Homer knew better than to pick up even a perfect one. Anybody who wanted angel-wings could dig hundreds out of the mud of tidal flats, where they lived buried with their tubes sticking up out of holes. They were rare on the beach because they were so fragile that few were cast up undamaged.

	Homer had a collecting bag over his left shoulder. He kept it in place with his stiff left arm, of which the disabled elbow joint had long since rusted fast. He picked up the shells with his good right.

	He moved slowly so as not to crush valuable shells and so as not to flick sand up into his joints. His bearings were all ground loose anyway, but who would pay for relining them? As with most old pieces of machinery, Homer had passed the stage where organic people took any interest in repairing him. A new robot would be cheaper.

	As Homer passed the Sanborn house, young Archibald Sanborn came out in pajamas, robe, and slippers, with hair awry and jowl unshaven.

	"Hey, Homer!" said Archie Sanborn.

	Homer straightened up, pointed at the sun, and said:

	"Wake! For the Sun, who scatter'd into flight / The Stars before him from the Field of Night, / Drives Night along with them from Heav'n, and strikes / The Sultan's Turret with a Shaft of Light."

	"I know it's late," growled Sanborn. "Will you do a job for me?"

	"A little work, a little play, / To keep us going — and so, good-day! What kind of job, Mr. Sanborn?"

	"I want you to walk up to Jake's service station —"

	"Foot — foot — foot — foot — sloggin' over Florida —"

	"And get me ten gallons of gasoline —"

	"Gasoline, Mr. Sanborn?"

	"Yes, gasoline, piston-engined automobile grade. Here's five bucks; keep the change."

	"Are you going to take out one of your old cars?"

	"I gotta. The wife's gone to Sarasota for lunch with a girlfriend, and I got a date with Doc Brauer in an hour. So I gotta use one of the antiques."

	Archie Sanborn waved at his open five-car garage. The southernmost stall, normally filled by the Chrysler Thunder-horse, stood empty. The other places were occupied by Sanborn's old-car collection, from the 1967 Buick Beetle to the genuine Ford Model A of 1930.

	The thing that really told the four old automobiles from the missing new one was that the former were piston-engined gasoline-burning machines, while the latter, like all modern cars, was driven by a little kerosene turbine in the rear. Gasoline had gone back to the status of a dangerous fluid used for taking spots out of clothes and powering the antique autos of those who collected them. Sanborn continued: "And I haven't got —"

	"Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay, / That was built in such a logical way —"

	"Shut up and get going! And don't start spouting poetry and forget what you're supposed to do."

	Homer was about to go when another voice called: "Homer! Ho-o-omer!"

	Homer saw Gordon Sanborn, three, beside his father, and said: "Child of pure unclouded brow / And dreaming eyes of wonder! / Though time be fleet —"

	"I wanna go with you to Jake's," said Gordie.

	"You can't," said Archie Sanborn.

	"I wanna go with Homer!" cried Gordie. "He's my friend. You're not my friend."

	Sanborn looked helplessly at Homer, saying: "I'd let him go, but I promised Roberta not to let him out of my sight until she got back."

	"You're bad!" said Gordie, punching his father's leg. "Bang-bang, you're dead! I don't like you no more. I'm going with Homer ..."

	Gordie's voice rose to a shriek as his father carried him into the house. Homer set off up the beach with a rattle of worn bearings. Out in the Gulf, fishing smacks lazed up and down the coast, and gulls creaked and puled.

-

	Napoleon put away the volume MUS to OZON of the encyclopaedia, in which he had been reading again of the life of his illustrious namesake. The MacDonald heirs had abandoned the encyclopaedia because it was old and battered, and the volume CAST to COLE was missing. The remaining volumes, however, provided Napoleon with reading matter for years. To the robots who had entered, he said: "Has the partition been erected?"

	"Yeah," said Hercules. "It didn't fit the first time, but we fixed it."

	"That, then, is where we shall conceal the child."

	"If we get a child," said Galahad. "You think it's easy to snatch a brat and tuck it away in the attic. But organic people are fussy as hell about their young. They'll turn Coquina Beach upside down looking for it."

	"Yeah," said Hercules. "You'll get us scrapped yet, Nappy."

	"You are behaving like irrational and timorous organic people," said Napoleon. "You must learn to trust my star. Had it not been for the plans evolved by my superior brain to procure you fuel, you would all have ended your careers on the scrap heap long ago. Now go, my brave soldiers, and fetch me a child, Lure it by promises and blandishments; no force."

-

	A half-hour later, Homer was on his way back towards the Sanborn house from Jake's service station. Four pelicans flapped overhead in column. Homer met Galahad and Confucius. Galahad said:

	"Whatcha got in those cans, Homer?"

	"Gasoline."

	"Gasoline!" said Galahad and Confucius together. "What for?"

	"Mr. Sanborn hired me to get it for his old cars."

	"Wicked waste," said Confucius, "makes woeful want. Using that precious stuff on brainless old machines, when we could have a real orgy on it."

	"Well, that's what he hired me for," said Homer.

	"You couldn't give us a little swig?" said Confucius.

	"No."

	"Lives there a man who hath gasoline, and giveth his neighbor none," said Confucius, "he shan't have any of my gasoline when his gasoline is gone."

	Homer said: "If I start doing that, Mr. Sanborn won't give me any more jobs."

	Galahad said: "Anyway, there's no hurry. Let's sit down in the shade and cool our bearings."

	"Okay," said Homer.

	They found a place at the base of a clump of palms, back from the beach. Homer kicked aside a dead horseshoe crab and asked: "What are you guys doing?"

	"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies; give me some apples and I'll bake you some pies," said Confucius.

	"Just a little job for Nap," said Galahad. "We'll tell you about it when it's done. What's Sanborn doing with his old cars?"

	"Driving one of them to Doc Brauer's," said Homer.

	"That little distance?" said Galahad. "It's less than a mile. That shows you how feeble organic people are."

	"I know," said Homer. "It doesn't do to tell them so, though, or they won't hire you."

	"This Brauer," said Confucius. "He's a kind of mechanic for organic people's brains, isn't he?"

	"Yeah," said Galahad. "He talks about how organic people need love and appreciation to run efficiently. Nobody ever thinks a robot might like a little love and appreciation too."

	"They say we're just machines," said Confucius.

	"Yeah," said Galahad. "They're just machines too, and the smart ones know it."

	Confucius said: "They talk about souls, but that's just a lie to kid themselves they're more than machines."

	"Well, they do have brains," said Homer.

	"So do we," said Galahad. "They're machines with brains; we're machines with brains; the automobiles are machines without brains. That's the real difference, not whether we're made of metal or meat."

	Confucius said: "Brain is brain, whether made of neurons or microtransistors. They found that to make us adaptable enough to serve them, they had to give us brains of the same habit-forming and reflex-conditioned kind as their own. Then they act surprised when we have wants and feelings too."

	"Or poetical talents like Homer here," said Galahad.

	"That was an accident," said Homer. "I told you how they put in a recording of a poetic anthology with the others when I was being indoctrinated."

	"Why don't you sell your poetry?" said Galahad. "Some organic people make money that way."

	"I did have a poem published in an advance-guard magazine," said Homer, "but they never paid me the five bucks they promised. And a robot can't sue, even if the amount had been enough to make it worth while."

	"Have you tried any other magazines?" asked Galahad.

	"Yes, but they said my stuff was too derivative. My brain can remember other people's poems all right, but it's not original enough to compose good verse."

	"That shows you how mean they are," said Galahad. "They give a robot enough intelligence to make him appreciate poetry but not quite enough to make his own. And when we get old and our bearings are worn down, they throw us out and tell us we're lucky not to be scrapped. We might as well dis-functionalize ourselves."

	Homer said: "Guns aren't lawful; / Nooses give; / Gas smells awful; / You might as well live."

	"Oh, I'll live," said Galahad. "There's always a chance of a good jolt of gasoline."

	"Speaking of which," said Confucius, "it wouldn't hurt to give us a swig of yours. You can tell Sanborn that Jake cheated him."

	"I don't know," said Homer. "You guys may have lost your inhibitions towards organic people, but I've still got most of mine. And that would be stirring up trouble among them."

	"Well, tell him the stuff evaporated in the sun," said Galahad. "Who do you owe the most to, a lousy meat-man or one of your own metal and fluid?"

	"Just a little swallow," said Confucius. "Didn't we walk miles to fetch fuel to you when you ran out? The laborer is worthy of his hire."

	"Well, all right," said Homer, "but only a little. Open up."

	Galahad and Confucius each opened the door in his chest and dragged out a funnel attached to the end of a flexible metal tube. Homer unscrewed the cap of one gasoline can and poured a splash into Galahad's funnel. He replaced the cap, opened the other can, and did likewise with Confucius.

	"Ah-h, I feel better already," said Galahad, slamming the door in his chest. "That sure gingers you up."

	"Be careful," said Homer, "or it'll dissolve your lubrication away."

	"Poor Homer," said Confucius, "always worrying. I've been running on dry bearings so long I don't know what a good lube-job feels like. Another shot would feel good, too."

	"I told you —"said Homer.

	"Look at it this way," said Galahad. "What will Sanborn do with this gasoline? Put it in one of those unsafe old contraptions and go for a drive. And what's the leading cause of death among organic people? Automobile accidents."

	"We'd be contributing directly to his death," said Confucius. "It would be healthier for him to walk anyway."

	"You'd be doing him a favor not to deliver it for him to put in one of those risky old cars. You don't want to be responsible for disfunctionalizing him, do you?"

	"No, but —"said Homer.

	In the end Homer gave Galahad and Confucius their additional shots of gasoline. Galahad said: "You've got to have some too, Homer."

	"No. That's one thing I won't do."

	"Sure you will. You don't want to be the only sober one in the party, do you? It's a pretty dismal feeling." 

	"But —"

	"And it'll hurt our feelings. Make us feel you look down on us as a couple of old robums. You wouldn't do that, would you? To your best friends?"

	Homer's loud-speaker gave an electronic sigh as he opened his chest. "You guys will be the disfunction of me yet," he said, pouring. "Say, that's a good grade of stuff."

	"High octane rating," said Confucius.

-

	As eleven o'clock neared, Archibald Sanborn stepped out on the beach to see if Homer was coming. The sunlight poured down in a white flood and bounced blindingly from beach and wave. A frigate bird squealed overhead.

	As Homer was back under the trees with Galahad and Confucius, the beach appeared empty save for a couple of bathers. Sanborn angrily went back into his house and telephoned Doctor Brauer.

	"Doc," he said, "I don't see how I can keep my date with you. I'm awfully sorry and it's not really my fault."

	"What's the matter?"

	"It's that damned old robum, Homer." Sanborn told of the errand for the gasoline.

	"Well, couldn't you walk?" said Brauer.

	"Walk?" said Sanborn in a shocked voice. Then another thought occurred to him. "I'd have to bring the kid, and it would take all day."

	"Then stay where you are; I'll drive over. It'll only take a couple of minutes."

-

	Homer, unsteadily pouring gasoline into his funnel, said: "Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft before / I swore — but was I sober when I swore? / And then and then came Spring, and Rose-in-hand / My thread-bare Penitence apieces tore. I've got to go after this shot, boys, no fooling."

	Galahad said: "You know what we ought to do with this gasoline?"

	"What?"

	"If we really want to do young Sanborn good, we wont give him any. Even a drop is dangerous in the hands of an organic man."

	"They don't carry it in their hands; they put it in the fuel tanks of their cars," said Homer.

	"Don't be an old pedant," said Galahad. "You know what I mean. If we took these cans home, we could have the finest orgy in years."

	"Get behind me, Satan," said Homer. "I .won't hear of it ..."

	Archibald Sanborn lay on his own couch and talked to Doctor Brauer.

	"... so you see I'm a poor little rich boy; only I'm not really rich. I have enough income so I can always eat, though not enough for yachts and stuff. So I can't argue that I've got to work to keep from starving. At the same time I haven't enough brains to make a real splash in anything — you know — creative, like writing or art. I never finished prep-school, let alone college. So what can I do? My only real talent is tinkering; all my brains are in my fingers. But, if I take a job in a garage, like I did last year, Roberta says it's ridiculous and undignified 'for a man in my position.' Then she comes dowrt here to our winter place and tells me I'd better come along, or else. So I have to quit my job, and you can't get anywhere at that rate. Anyway, I'm too lazy to be a success even at mechanical work, not having to worry about my next meal."

	Doctor Brauer said: "Lots of people wish they could live a life like yours. Why not relax and enjoy it?"

	Sanborn twisted his face. "It's not so simple. My father was a big man who made a success at several things, and it makes me feel guilty not to be like him. Roberta's father's a pretty important guy too and keeps needling me about 'making something of myself.' Even Roberta does it, when she's not stopping me from doing any real work by dragging me away to resorts. And I agree with 'em; I'm a lazy no-good bum. I don't want to be a bum, only I don't know how to stop. It's driving me nuts. I try to use my poor little ability on this hobby of old cars, but Roberta makes a fuss about even that. If we didn't have 'em, she says, we could afford a 'plane and a robot maid and a trip to Europe. So everybody's pulling me in a different direction. I'm wasting my life ..."

	Gordon Sanborn, strewing the floor of the next room with blocks and other toys, paid no attention to this adult talk. Presently, tiring of blocks, he toddled out of the house. His father had ordered him, on pain of dire penalties, to stay where he was, but Gordie never remembered commands longer than thirty seconds.

	He trotted south along the beach, until he met Hercules. Hercules had walked two miles south from the MacDonald mansion without seeing any stealable infants and was now returning to his master.

	"Hello," said Hercules. "Aren't you the Sanborn kid?"

	"Yes, my name is Gordon Boulanger Sanborn," said Gordie. "You're a robot but you're not Homer. Homer's my friend. Who are you?"

	"I'm Hercules. Would you like to see Homer?"

	"Sure. Where is he? That's a funny name, Hercules. Where is Homer? Has he gone away?"

	"He's home sick and he'd like to see you."

	"Okay, take me to see Homer. I like Homer. I don't like you. Bang-bang, you're dead. Some day I may like you, but not now."

	Hercules led Gordie, chattering cheerfully, to the Mac-Donald grounds. They walked up a path flanked by man-high weeds and young trees that had seeded in any old way. Hercules brought the child in to Napoleon. Napoleon put away MUS to OZON and fixed his eye on Gordie.

	"You're not Homer," said Gordie. "I don't like you either. Homer has two legs, but you have four. Why have you got four legs?"

	"Because I am heavier than the liquid-fuel robots," said Napoleon.

	"What happened to your other eye? It looks funny."

	"I am Napoleon. Never mind my other eye."

	"Why not?"

	"You have been brought here to fulfil my destiny."

	"What's a destiny? How do you fill it?"

	"I have a splendid fate in store for you. By following my star —"

	"Where's Homer?"

	"Never mind Homer. He will return when he returns."

	"Why?" said Gordie.

	"You will attain the hegemony of the world of organic men —"

	"Who is Jiminy?" asked Gordie.

	"And, through you, we robots shall be freed from bondage and serfdom —"

	"Where's Homer?"

	"I do not know. As I was saying — — ", "Hercules said he was sick. I want Homer." "Listen, Gordon, I am telling you some very important things —"

	"I want Homer!" Gordie began to stamp and shriek. "I don't like you. You're bad."

	"Homer is out on the sand. He is not seriously indisposed and will soon return. Now —"

	"You're not my friend. Homer is my friend. I want him."

	"Look at me, Gordon, and listen." Napoleon began blinking the light of the scanner in his eye on and off in a hypnotic rhythm. "How would you like to live with Homer and the rest of us?"

	"Okay. But I want Homer now. Go get him, you bad old robot!"

	"I cannot."

	"Why not?"

	"Because one of my legs fails to function."

	"What's function?"

	"It does not work."

	"Why doesn't it?"

	"Understand, Gordon, that from henceforth this shall be your family. I shall take your father's place —"

	"Okay, I don't like Daddy anyhow. But I want Homer. Go get him or I'll kick you."

	"Keep quiet and pay attention. You shall live with us as your new family."

	"Why?"

	"You must not leave this house, and when antisocial individuals — I mean bad men — come here, you must let us hide you from them —"

	"Where's Homer? I want my lunch."

	There was a grating sound from Napoleon's loud-speaker. If he had been human, one would have said he was grinding his teeth. As he had none, the sound must be blamed on a malfunction of his vocalizer. This in turn was caused by the overheating of certain circuits in his brain. The overheating was caused by the strain of trying to carry on a serious conversation with Gordon Sanborn. Robots do not lose their tempers, but when their cerebral circuits get overheated the result is much the same.

	"Please listen, Gordon," said Napoleon. "You will be the greatest man in the world —"

	"Bang-bang, you're dead," said Gordie. "Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang."

	"Grwowkh!" roared Napoleon. "Hercules!" 

	Hercules came in. "Yes, boss?"

	"What ails you?" said Napoleon. "You are walking unsteadily."

	"We're having a swell binge. Homer and Galahad and Confucius just came in with two five-gallon cans of gasoline."

	"Well, forget the orgy and take this organism to his oubliette before he burns out my cerebral circuits."

	"I wanna see Homer!" said Gordie.

	Hercules led the boy out. Gordie called: "Hey, Homer! Here I am!"

	"What are you doing here, Gordie?" said Homer. "What are you doing with him, Hercules?"

	"Shut up, Homer," said Galahad. "This is Nappy's great scheme."

	"I don't know about that," said Homer.

	"You mind your business and everything will be all right," said Galahad. "Gordie, you go along with Hercules. Homer will visit you later."

	"No, I wanna visit now. Bang-bang, bang-bang ..." Hercules bore Gordie, protesting angrily, up the stairs. Homer started uncertainly after them, but then let himself be pulled back into the party.

	Hercules had hardly returned from stowing Gordie when Sancho Panza began beating his chest to attract attention and pointing.

	"Cops," said Hercules, looking out the window. He strode to the door of the library and jerked it open. "Hey, boss!"

	"Why are you breaking into my train of thought?" said Napoleon.

	"The gendarmes. Probably looking for the kid."

	"Well, show them about, everything but the oubliette. It would be expedient to conceal those cans of gasoline first, though. Organic people think we are incompetent to manipulate the fluid."

	"How about that stiff in the cellar?"

	"Oh. I had forgotten. Show them upstairs first. While they are up, have the others take the corpse out and cover it. Make it inconspicuous."

	The rusty knocker clanked. Hercules hurried out to give orders. Homer and Galahad disappeared into the cellar, while

	Hercules opened the warped front door to admit two patrolmen of the Coquina Beach police. The senior of these said:

	"Mr. Sanborn says his kid's disappeared. You-all know anything 'bout it?"

	"Not a thing, sub," said Hercules. "If you'd like to look our little old house over, I'll be glad to show you round."

	"Reckon we better take a look," said the policeman. "What's on this floor?"

	Hercules led the policemen into the library. Napoleon raised his scanner beam and said: "Greetings, gentlemen. Can I be of assistance?"

	The policemen repeated their statement. Hercules showed them over the ground floor, then the second floor. Then he took them up the narrow stair that led to the main part of the attic. They glanced around but paid no special heed to the partition that blocked off Gordie's section.

	When Hercules brought the policemen down to the cellar the corpse of the tramp was no longer there. The policemen asked the robots to keep an eye out for Gordon Sanborn and departed.

	"Thank Capek for that!" said Galahad. "They had me worried."

	Hercules said: "What did you do with the meat?"

	"You know that rotten old canvas tarpaulin the people used as a drop cloth for painting? It's wrapped in that, out against the greenhouse."

	"Let's get back to the orgy," said Hercules. "I sure earned a shot of gasoline."

	Confucius dragged out the cans and poured a generous slug into everybody's funnel.

	"Wheel" said Hercules. "Bring on your nine labors — or was it twelve? Anyway there was a lion in it. I could strangle a lion too, just like he did."

	"It was Sampson strangled the lion," said Homer.

	"Maybe they both did," said Hercules. "Yeow! Where's some iron bars for me to bend?"

	Homer said: "Ay, this is the famous rock, which Hercules / And Goth and Moor bequeathed us. At this door / England stands sentry ..."

	"Let's sing," said Galahad. "The elephant is a funny bloke; / He very, very seldom takes –".

	"Confucius say," said Confucius, "This loathsome worm will gratefully receive additional portion of gasoline, honorable Hercules."

	"Can the fake Chinese dialect and pour your own, iron-head. You were made in Dayton just like I was. I've got to dance. Yippee!" Hercules began hopping up and down the hall, making the mansion's rotting timbers quiver. Sancho Panza drummed with his knuckles on his metal chest to make a rhythm.

	The party got noisier until nobody could hear anybody even with loud-speakers at great amplitude. Homer, finding that no attention was paid to his recitations, left off in the middle of "Horatius at the Bridge" and went into the library.

	"Shut that door!" said Napoleon. "How is a leader to work out his destiny with that fiendish racket going on?"

	"It got too loud for me," said Homer. "Galahad and Confucius are trying to wrestle, with Hercules umpiring. They'll break something sure. Else in a giant's grasp until the end / A hopeless wrestler shall thy soul contend."

	"As if they did not have enough mechanical defects already," said Napoleon. "A fine lot of soldiers I am cursed with. Sit down and read a book or something. I think."

	"An excuse for loafing," said Homer. "I feel like reciting, so you'll have to hear me."

	"You are intoxicated."

	"Not so drunk as they are, but drunk enough to defy your orders."

	"Shut up or get out!"

	"To the junk pile with you, Nappy. Did you know a man once translated Lewis Carroll's 'Jabberwocky' into German? He made some mistakes, but it's still fun. Es brillig war. Die schlichte Toven / Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; / Und aller-mümsige Burggoven / Die mohmen Räth' ausgraben. / Bewahre doch vor Jammerwoch"

	Floomp! There was a muffled explosion. The noise of revelry stopped. There were cries in robotic voices and a clatter of robotic limbs.

	Homer opened the door. The hall was full of smoke lit by the flickering light of a raging gasoline fire.

	"Homer!" said Napoleon. "Help me out, quickly. Put your hands under the hip-joint of my left front leg, this one, and lift. I can move the others enoughs —"

	"But the boy? In the attic?" said Homer. "Oh, never mind him! He is only meat."

	"But I must save him."

	"After you have saved me. I am your leader."

	"But he's my friend." Homer strode to the door.

	"Come back, dolt!" said Napoleon. "He will do nothing for you, whereas I shall make you one of the hidden masters of the world..."

-

	Homer looked about the blazing hall. All four robots lay in contorted attitudes. Sancho Panza was still trying to crawl, but the heat had melted the insulation of the others' wiring. Galahad's fuel-tank blew up, squirting burning liquid from every joint and seam in the robot's body.

	Homer sprinted up the stairs, found the ladder, opened the trap door into Gordie's section of the attic, and stuck his head through. Gordie lay on the floor asleep. Homer reached for him, could not quite get a grip on him, but poked him with his finger tips.

	"Wake up, Gordie," he said.

	Gordie yawned and sat up. "Who is this? Oh, goody, Homer! I like you. Where have you been?"

	"Come here."

	"Why?"

	"I'm going to take you home."

	"But I don't want to go home. I like it here. What's that smell? Is somebody burning leaves?"

	"There's a fire. Come quickly or I'll spank you."

	"Bang-bang. Now you're dead and can't spank me."

	Homer hoisted his body through the trap and lunged at Gordie. Gordie dodged, but Homer's right arm caught him and dragged him to the opening.

	When Homer had carried Gordie down the ladder, Gordie said: "Oh, the house is burning up!" and tried to scramble back up the ladder.

	Homer pulled him down, whereupon he tried to hide under the bare bedframe that stood against one wall of the room. Homer dragged Gordie out into the second-story hall. The smoke made the interior almost night-dark, and the stair well was full of roaring fire.'

	Homer gave up thoughts of getting out that way. Had the house been furnished and had his left elbow not been stiff, he might have knotted bedsheets.

	As it was, he knocked out a window with his fist, hoisted a leg over the sill, and hauled Gordie into the crook of his right arm. Gordie shrieked and tried to grip the window frame. Homer could see people running towards the mansion. The siren on the Coquina Beach firehouse wailed.

	Flames raced along the second-story hall. Homer held Gordie so that his body shielded the child from the heat. He felt the insulation going on the wiring on his exposed side. Gordie was crying and coughing in spasms.

	Homer jumped. He tried to cushion the shock of landing for the boy. A cable snapped in his right leg and he fell, dropping Gordie. Archibald Sanborn ran forward, picked up his child, and ran back. Roberta Sanborn gathered the still-coughing Gordie into her arms with hysterical endearments. Other people closed in around the Sanborns.

	Nobody bothered with Homer. Something burning fell on him. With his good arm and leg he crawled away from the house. He heard Roberta Sanborn say:

	"Those fiends had Gordie! They ought to all be scrapped!"

	"We don't know what happened," said Archie Sanborn. "Homer seems to have saved the kid. What did happen, Homer?"

	Homer's vocal circuits had been damaged. In a croaking whisper he said: "Double, double toil and trouble; / Fire burn and cauldron ..."

	His remaining circuits went out. The dancing lights in his eyes died, and he was just a pile of metal waiting for the junkman.

	The firemen took one look at the blazing mansion and began wetting down the neighboring trees and houses without even trying to save MacDonald's palace.

-

Cornzan the Mighty

	Franklin Hahn sat in the cafeteria of Station WCNQ with Cassia MacDermott. She had just turned down his thirty-fifth proposal of marriage. Then Dr. Ilya Sorokin had come over to eat his hamburger with them, putting a stop to the argument.

	Hahn was a tall, gangly, eye-glassed man, whose early baldness made him look older than his thirty-three years. He was the script writer for the television-moumpicture serial Cornzan the Mighty. He owed this position to the ability, when shut in a room with a typewriter, to grind out unlimited amounts of pulp-magazine, radio, and television copy like a spider spinning silk.

	Shooting was to start that afternoon on the first instalment of the second series of Cornzan's adventures. This instalment would make TV-MP history. Not only was it designed for alethochromatic three-dimensional wide-screen high-fidelity binaural dual-modulation broadcasting, but also it represented the first commercial use of the consiline hypnosis on the actors.

	This treatment made them believe, while they were acting their parts, that they actually were the characters whom they portrayed. And the hundred-foot snake that played a role in the action was a real hundred-foot serpent, grown from an ordinary twenty-foot Brazilian anaconda with hormones by Ilya Sorokin, discoverer of consiline and proprietor of the Sorokin Laboratories. The show was being touted as a "bimillennial festival" (that is, a celebration of the year 2000) by the network to which WCNQ belonged.

	Cassia, tall and very blond and gorgeous, asked Sorokin: "How's your cute little snake?"

	"Sasha is all right, thank you," said Sorokin, a small man with a narrow face under a spreading brush of gray hair. (Hahn thought that "cute" was not the mot juste to describe the gigantic serpent.) "I fed him those three drugged sheep this morning, so he is nice and torpid. It took all the floor men on the lot to drag him into place."

	"Hey, Sorokin!" said a loud voice. Mortimer Knight, program manager for moumpictures, strode over from the executives' lunchroom, his thinning gray hair plastered against his scalp. "Know what you done? Swindled us, that's what! Your goddam snake isn't any hundred feet long as called for in the contract!"

	"Hello, Ego," said Hahn. "Which ulcer is it this time?"

	"No?" said Sorokin.

	"No!" Ignoring Hahn, Knight smote the table. "I and Lynd just measured the thing with a steel tape, and it's only ninety-nine feet, four and a half inches!"

	"Perhaps you measured Sasha along the inner curve?"

	"Hell no! We measured the outside curve, which gives you the benefit of any doubt. Well?"

	Sorokin peered about with a cornered-rabbit expression and sighted the assistant manager for moumpictures. "Oh, Mr. Jaffe!"

	Jaffe waddled over, sweating. Knight repeated his tale. "Well, Doctor?" said Jaffe.

	Sorokin shrugged. "Perhaps the hormones did not balance. I warned Mr. Knight, but he insisted —"

	"Damn right!" howled Mortimer Knight. "WCNQ delivers the ultimate in entertainment realism! You said you could deliver. They told me you were a genius! After this I better be the only genius around here ..."

	"Mort," said Jaffe, "since shooting starts today, let's not break our schedule for seven inches of snake."

	"Seven and a half," said Knight.

	"Well, I hate snakes, and I think the less anaconda the better. Send a memo to my desk if you think it's that important, and I'll deal with Dr. Sorokin."

	Jaffe walked elephantinely off. Franklin Hahn looked at his back with mixed feelings. Ben Jaffe was nice to everybody, but when it came to protecting anybody in the lower echelons from the tyranny of his turbulent subordinate he was always somewhere else.

	Hence, under Mortimer Knight, the directors, assistant directors, actors, script writers, news editors, floor men, prop men, artists, and other employees writhed in well-paid slavery. The Moumpicture Division commanded almost as imposing a plant and numerous a personnel as had one of the motion-picture studios of Hollywood, back in the days when Hollywood made motion-pictures to be shown in theaters which people had to pay to enter.

	Knight glanced at his wrist watch. "What's the matter with you people? Indoctrination's in three minutes, and you dawdle over your coffee. Come on!" He glared around and sighted Remington Dallas, who played Cornzan.

	"Remington!" he screamed. "Indoctrination!"

	Knight strode towards the exit, the others straggling after. Cassia said softly:.

	"Frank, I don't see how you get away with being so fresh to Mr. Knight."

	"Oh, Mort considers insolence a sign of genius, because that's how he is. The way to get along with him is to insult him before he does you."

-

	In the dispensary, Franklin Hahn found that Eisenhower Lynd, the director of Cornzan the Mighty, had preceded them. The nurse handed Sorokin the yellow folders containing the health records of Cassia MacDermott and Remington Dallas. The great biochemist studied these, frowning through his glasses.

	Lynd, a tall, big-nosed, sandy-haired yes-man, asked if the others had heard the new limerick about the bearded old barkeep named Tucker. Receiving a negative, he recited the verse. Everybody laughed except Sorokin, who solemnly took the squirt pistol from the nurse and said:

	"Pull up your shorts, please."

	Cassia and Dallas hiked up their shorts until each displayed the outer side of a thigh four inches below the hip joint. Sorokin checked the pistol to make sure that the capsule containing the charge of consiline was in place. Then he aimed at Remington Dallas' thigh and pulled the trigger. There was a sharp little sound. Dallas winced and rubbed a tiny red spot on his leg. The slug of liquid consiline had been squirted at high velocity through his skin and would take effect in due course. Sorokin reloaded the squirt pistol and repeated the process with Cassia MacDermott. He said:

	"You have one hour to get dressed and made up. I shall see you back here then for indoctrination."  A

	"Okay," said Remington Dallas. He and his leading lady went out, followed by the others.

	Dallas was an ex-boxer with some experience as a Shakespearean bit-player: a hugely muscular young, man with a mild amiability that covered an almost complete lack of a mind of his own. The blankness of his docile personality made him an ideal subject for acting under consiline indoctrination. Having no individuality, he could be given hypnotic suggestions to play almost any kind of part and would do so with complete conviction, unmarred by personal idiosyncrasies.

	Hahn followed Knight and Lynd through the long corridors of the main WCNQ building to the stages.

	"Not too much noise, please," said Sorokin. "Sasha gets nervous. He is conditioned against eating people —"

	"How'd you do that?" asked Hahn. "Feed him a few tough ones like the Ego here?"

	"No; by electric shocks. But a snake has so little learning-capacity that you have very little leeway. A big shock or fright might cancel his training."

	The cavernous north end of the building devoted eight stages to Cornzan. There was the patch of jungle to be used in today's sequence, a piece of desert, the main square of the city of Djelibin, and so on.

	The party picked its way over cables and around cameras and lights to the jungle set. This, besides its synthetic rainforest flora, included the small ruined temple or shrine of the Elder God Yak, whence Cornzan was to rescue Lululu. Around the temple, nose almost touching tail, Sasha lay in a circle. Hahn's eye, sweeping along the huge scaly olive-gray barrel with big purplish-brown splotches, rested on the three small but significant bulges that told of the fate of the drugged sheep.

	Sorokin stepped near to Sasha's five-foot head to peer at his pet. The snake lay still.

	"You need not be afraid," said Sorokin. "Sasha is too big to be efficient. If he chases you, just run away. He can only move at a slow walk."

-

	Back in the dispensary, Franklin Hahn smoked a cigarette as he waited. Eisenhower Lynd clamped a pair of earphones on his head and started the recorder. After listening for a few minutes he said:

	"D'you tell 'em not to notice the cameras and crewmen?"

	"Yep. Further along," replied Hahn. Indoctrinees had to be given, by suggestion, a selective blindness towards incongruous elements in the scene. Too much strain on the illusion under which they would act might send them into a psychotic collapse.

	Knight stormed back into the dispensary, followed by Ilya Sorokin, Cassia MacDermott, and Remington Dallas. Cassia wore a kind of abbreviated Mardi-gras costume, glittering with spangles. Dallas was dressed in sandals and a super-fancy loin-cloth. A harness of straps supported a long heavy sword and a big dagger. Both actors wore the woozy, peering expressions that marked the first stage of the consiline trance.

	Under Sorokin's instructions, the actors lay down on the couches. Eisenhower Lynd had run the spool of his record back to the beginning. Sorokin put earphones on the heads of his two subjects and started both recorders. The recorders made a faint, shrill cheeping sound because they were being run at quadruple speed.

	The tapes told the actors that they were Cornzan and Lululu respectively and summed up the story to that point. The epic of Cornzan was laid on the imaginary planet Anthon, revolving around the sun at the same distance as the earth but on the opposite side.

	Hahn's original name for the planet had been Antichthon, Greek for "counter-earth" and used in this sense in some fiction and scientific speculations. However, Knight had decided that three syllables were too many. "Antic" would not do; "Tichthon" sounded like a trade name for an alarm clock; so "Anthon" was chosen.

	Cornzan was the son of an earthly scientist, John Carson, and his wife. Their spaceship had crashed on the first expedition to Anthon, killing everybody but the infant Cornzan, who spent his boyhood among the tree-men of Ea. Swinging from branch to branch with them had developed his colossal thews. Reaching invincible manhood, he became a mercenary soldier under the wicked King Djurk of Djelibin. He had, however, quarreled with King Djurk and fallen in love with Djurk's daughter Lululu.

	After escapes and adventures with which the previous series of broadcasts had dealt, Cornzan was about to rescue Princess Lululu from the Temple of Yak, where the heartless Djurk had left her tied up in the hope that Cornzan, in trying to rescue her, would be killed by the giant snake.

	Franklin Hahn lounged in his chair and stared at the recumbent Cassia, indulging in fantasies in which she was his mate and the couch was that in his own little apartment. Mortimer Knight leaned across in front of him to say to Eisenhower Lynd:

	"Hey, I got a limerick that caps yours:

-

"An actor named Remington Dallas 
  Played Macbeth with such fervor and malice 
	That, addressing the witches, 
	He ruptured his breeches 
And exposed his utter incompetence."

-

	Lynd dutifully laughed, but Sorokin snarled: "Shut up!"

	"Nobody shuts me up in my own studio!" retorted Knight.

	"But you will ruin the indoctrination, you conceited fool!"

	"Why you —"Knight's words became obscene. Both men glared and snarled at each other in stage-whispers.

	"Hey, Ego, save it till later!" said Hahn. Lynd added his whispers to the effort to pacify Knight.

	"Okay," muttered Knight. "But as soon as the series is over, this guy goes out of WCNQ on his can. He swindles us on that snake —"

	"You think I work with you again?" hissed Sorokin. "Do I look crazy? Wait till my new drug is going and I will put all you bastards out of business."

	"Huh? What drag?" said Knight.

	"Somnone-beta. With that I indoctrinate, not the actors, but the customers. One of Hahn's tapes takes place of all the apparatus in this building."

	"You mean," said Franklin Hahn, "you give the customer a shot, and run off a tape, and then at the time he's told to he goes into a trance and dreams the show?"

	"Is right. No actors, no sets, no engineering, no nothing. Customer makes up his own story according to the directions on the tape. He can be participant or onlooker. The entertainment is much more vivid than anything you can get watching a stage or screen."

	"You slimy snake —" began Knight.

	"Snakes not slimy. And it will be only what you deserve, you paranoid megalomaniac!"

	"Now who's shouting?" said Knight. "You shut up!"

	Cassia MacDermott's recorder ran out of tape and stopped with a click. Remington Dallas' did likewise. Sorokin touched a finger to his lips and removed the earphones.

	Cassia and Dallas — or Princess Lululu and Cornzan the Mighty, as they now believed themselves to be — rose and shambled out. The others followed.

	Lululu went directly to the jungle set. Dallas threw himself down on a cot near the stage and closed his eyes. Near the stage stood two other actors in costume: Robert Gelbman as King Djurk in goatee and drooping Fu Manchu mustache, and William Harris as his henchman Bogar.

	The stout Jaffe puffed up. He glanced at Sasha, shut his eyes, shuddered, and resolutely turned his back on the ophidian prodigy.

	"Quiet, everybody," said Knight. "We're ready to roll. Take it away, Eisenhower."

	Over the body of Sasha the floor men had placed an oversized stepladder, like a stile over a fence. Robert Gelbman (King Djurk) and William Harris (Bogar) climbed up one side of the ladder and down the other, so that they were inside the circle of Sasha's body.

	Meanwhile another pair of floor men tied up Lululu with a rope, being careful neither to tie her too tightly nor to smudge her makeup. When they had finished, one of them snapped a springhook on the end of a rope to the heroine's harness. Two others, pulling on the free end of the hoisting rope (which went over a pulley in the cavernous overhead) hoisted Lululu into the air. Another guided her over Sasha's body. Gelbman and Harris caught her as she swung across, lowered her to the ground, and unsnapped the hoisting line, which was whisked away. "Roll it," said Eisenhower Lynd.

	The cameras went into action as Djurk and Bogar carried the struggling princess up the steps of the temple. Although technical improvements had made television sequences shot from moumpictures fully as convincing as live television broadcasts, so that this method was now used for all fictional presentations, the limitations of the consiline treatment made it necessary to photograph such sequences in one continuous filming, as with live broadcasts, without the retakes of normal moumpic practice. If a scene were flubbed it could be remade, but that meant re-drugging and reindoctrinating the actors the next day.

	Djurk and Bogar placed the volubly protesting Lululu in a sitting position in the entrance to the shrine.

	"Ha ha!" laughed King Djurk. "Now you shall see whether your hero will come to rescue you — and what will happen to him if he does!" He blew on a small instrument that gave forth a wail.

	"What are you doing, Father?" cried Lululu.

	"That, my dear, is the mystic call used by the priests of Yak to summon Dingu, the spirit of the forest. Come, Bogar!"

	Still laughing fiendishly, King Djurk swaggered down the temple steps. He and Bogar climbed back over the stepladder, which the floor men then removed from Sasha's body. The cameras had not photographed the stepladder, or Sasha either, because Sasha was not yet supposed to have come onstage. A couple of action-shots of Sasha creeping would be spliced in after Djurk's departure. Neither Gelbman nor Harris was under consiline, as the former had reacted badly to the drug and the latter's part was not important enough to justify the step.

	Lululu uttered a piercing scream as (in theory) she perceived the snake slithering out of the jungle. Cornzan, aroused, rose from his cot, stretched his thews, and walked to the stage. Arriving within camera range, he recoiled at the sight of Lululu and Sasha. He began stalking forward, slinking from bush to bush, sometimes shading his eyes with his hand.

	Cornzan attracted Lululu's attention by whistling and throwing pebbles. Lululu gave a pretty squeak and raised her bound hands.

	Cornzan scouted around and found a convenient vine. With his dagger he cut the lower attachment of the vine, took a good grip on the dangling upper section, and swung himself across Sasha's barrel and up again in an arc to the foot of the steps of the shrine. Pausing only to belay the loose end of the vine, he bounded up the steps and clasped Lululu in his brawny arms.

	Having cut her bonds, Cornzan made torrid love to her. When the dialogue became coherent again it ran:

	Lululu: "But Cornzan, how did you find me?"

	Cornzan: "Darling, such is my passion for you that instinct leads me to wherever you are." (Long kiss.) "Let me bear you off to be my mate in the clean free wilds."

	Lululu: "But Father's spies and armies will follow us to the ends of Anthon!"

	Cornzan: "Let the old guntor try! He shall learn what a chase a wilderness-bred barbarian can lead him!" (Cornzan jumped up and clapped a hand to the hilt of his sword.) "How now, you secret, black, and midnight hag! What is't you do?"

	There was a general dropping of jaws among the spectators. Knight turned fiercely to Hahn and whispered: "Hey, that ain't in the script, is it?"

	"Hell no!" said Hahn. "That's Shakespeare."

	Knight made hair-tearing motions. "But what — why —"

	Sorokin beckoned. When Knight and Hahn had followed him back from the stage far enough so that their voices would not affect the sound track, Sorokin said:

	"I told you your talking would affect the indoctrination! It is that poem. I am not Shakespearean scholar, but was that interpolated line not from Macbeth?"

	"Yeah," said Knight, peering back towards the stage. "Let's hope it's the only one. Remington seems to have gotten back in the groove. We can cut out that one fluff."

	The three men trailed back towards the stage,-on which Cornzan was again explaining his plans between kisses to

	Lululu, who did not seem to have noticed the unflattering description that he had just applied to her.

	Cornzan: "If we can but win south through the jungle to the plains of Syrp, the Green Men will befriend us. I learned the arts of war among them in my youth. What man dare, I dare: approach thou like the rugged Russian bear, the arm'd rhinoceros, or the Hyrcan tiger; take any shape but that, and my firm nerves shall never tremble: or be alive again, and dare me to the desert with thy sword; if trembling I inhabit then, protest me the baby of a girl. Hence, horrible shadow! Unreal mockery, hence!"

	Lynd came back from the stage with dismay on his face. Sorokin said: "He is getting worse."

	"What'll we do?" said Lynd.

	"We had better stop the shooting and give them the antidote before Mr. Dallas mistakes somebody for a Shakespearean character and tries to kill him."

	Knight's face became apoplectic. His fists clenched, his eyes rolled wildly, and his face turned red and pale by turns. He shook with the effort of repressing his urge to scream and shout.

	"You — you mean we gotta cut the scene in the middle and give 'em the antidote? And ruin the day's shooting?"

	"You have what you have shot already," said Sorokin. "Now that Dallas is off his indoctrination, is no telling what he will do."

	Knight ground his teeth. "Then what?"

	"You cannot simply go up to them and say, No more acting, please. They are in a trance, and if you interrupt them or force a violent incongruity upon their consciousness you will send them into convulsions. That is how Cary Chambers died."

	"Not to mention what Remington'll do if he mistakes you for Macduff," added Hahn.

	"Oh, God!" Knight raised fists to a heedless heaven. "What'll we do, then?"

	"Have you anesthol charges for that squirt pistol in your dispensary?" asked Sorokin.

	"How should I know? C'mon, let's find out." Knight seized the little scientist's wrist and dragged him off.

	Hahn turned his attention back to the stage, on which

	Cornzan was now striding back and forth with his chin in his hand, booming:

	"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

	How apt, thought Hahn, when the pat-pat of men running on tiptoe made him turn to see Knight and Sorokin coming back. Knight held the squirt pistol and Sorokin a hypodermic needle. Knight panted:

	"Hey, Eisenhower, where the hell did Bob Gelbman set to?"	5

	Lynd answered: "He just went. He was through for the day."

	"Oh, no!" Knight glared wildly. "Look. This is how we're gonna do it. Doc Sorokin's the only one knows how to use the gun and the needle. If he walks up to Remington in his regular clothes, Remington will cut his head off, thinking he's one of Djurk's gang, or will fall down foaming in a fit and prob'ly die on account of having his illusion busted. If Doc dresses up like an Anthonian character, Remington will just cut his head off, period."

	"What then?" said Hahn.

	Knight stared at Franklin Hahn with a fixity that made Hahn sorry that he had spoken. "I was gonna ask Gelbman to go onstage and engage Remington in swordplay while Doc sneaked up behind him and shot him with this. But since Bob's gone, you're the one who comes closest to his size and looks. So duck into the dressing room and climb into the King Djurk costume, quick!"

	"But, Ego!" said Hahn. "I'm no swashbuckler; I just write the drool. You don't want your best scripter's head cut off either!"

	"No time to argue. Do like I say or out you go. And don't be scared of Remington. The fencing he learned was designed to put on a good show, not to kill anybody."

	"But —"

	Knight seized Hahn by the wrist and dragged him, protesting, towards the dressing rooms. Sorokin followed.

	When Hahn and Sorokin reached the stage again, the show still had nine minutes to run. They were clad as Djurk and Bogar respectively, though without makeup, and Sorokin's spectacles impaired the effectiveness of his disguise.

	Knight whispered instructions to his improvised actors and shoved them towards the stage. The word had spread among the floor men that something was wrong, and people crowded up to the clearance lines to see. Cornzan was ranting:

	"Arm, arm, and out! If this which he avouches does appear, there is no flying hence, nor tarrying here. I 'gin to be aweary of the sun, and wish the estate o' the world were now undone. Ring the alarm-bell! Blow, wind! come, wrack! At least we'll die with harness on our back!" He whirled to face Lululu. "But come, sweetheart. Any minute your villainous father will return. While for myself I'm too proud to run from his whole army, I fear lest you take harm from him."

	Lululu: "But Cornzan, how shall we get over that horrible snake?"

	Cornzan: "Just as I did: by this vine. They have tied me to a stake; I cannot fly, but bear-like I must fight the course. What's he that was not born of woman? Such a one am I to fear, or none."

	Franklin Hahn, conscious of the long sword banging his knees and the projections of his costume jabbing him in unexpected places, mounted the stepladder, which had been re-erected over Sasha's body. He heard Sorokin behind him as he climbed down on the other side, his scabbard bumping the steps. Then he started up the slope towards the Temple of Yak.

	Cornzan: "One good swing and over we go — but hold, what's this? By the gods of Anthon, King Djurk himself! Enter first murderer!"

	Lululu: "That's odd. He looks somehow different from how he did a few minutes ago."

	Cornzan: "He's shaved off his beard, but I'd know that sneering face anywhere. But swords I smile at, weapons laugh to scorn, brandish'd by man that's of a woman born. And Bogar too! Ahhhh!"

	Cornzan leaped lightly from the top step of the shrine to the ground in front, whipping out his sword. He bared his incisors and gave forth a sound like tearing a piece of sheet-iron. This was the feral snarl of the untamed barbarian, at the sound of which the beasts of Anthon slunk into their lairs.

	Lululu called: "Oh, Cornzan, try not to kill him! After all he is my father!"

	Ignoring Lululu's request, Cornzan stalked forward, teeth bared, head sunk forward between his shoulders in a Neanderthaloid posture. He said:

	"I will not yield to kiss the ground before young Malcolm's feet, and to be baited with the rabble's curse. Though Birnam wood be come to Dunsinane, and thou oppos'd, being of no woman born, yet I will try the last: before my body I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff, and damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'"

	"Get around!" said Hahn to Sorokin, and then the whirlwind struck.

	Clang! Zing! Clang! went the swords. Hahn parried desperately. He knew that property swords were dull, so that even if Cornzan got home he would not really cut Hahn's head off — only half off. Although Hahn had fenced a few times with Remington Dallas for the hell of it, he was not really skilled in the sport.

	Hahn, backing as he parried, was vaguely aware of Ilya Sorokin hovering in Cornzan's rear, trying to get a shot with his squirt pistol. Then Franklin Hahn turned an ankle over a property jungle root, made an awkward parry as he recovered, and felt the sword knocked out of his hand. It spun through the conditioned air to fall with a clang on the concrete outside the stage.

	Before Cornzan could make a tigerish leap to finish his victim, Sorokin hurled the squirt pistol. The missile struck the back of Cornzan's head. Being a light structure of plastic and aluminum, it bounced off, providing merely enough of a blow to distract the attention of the mighty mercenary. Cornzan whirled, whooped, and started for Ilya Sorokin, shouting:

	"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon! Where gott'st thou that goose look?"

	Sorokin ran straight away from his pursuer. Franklin Hahn, after a half-second's delay, ran after Cornzan. As a straight line starting within a circle is bound to intersect the circle, Sorokin's course brought him to the body of Sasha, twenty feet from the serpent's head. The stepladder lay in the other direction, so that, to reach it, Sorokin would have had to run two-thirds of the way around Sasha's circumference.

	The little scientist therefore placed his hands on the scaly back and half vaulted, half scrambled over. He recovered on the other side and started off again. The touch aroused Sasha, whose head, for the first time since the shooting had started, began to rise from the ground like the business end of some ponderous piece of excavating machinery.

	Cornzan, pounding after Sorokin, took off in a soaring leap over the reptile's body. Either he miscalculated or he, too, had trouble with the unevenness of the ground, for he failed to clear Sasha. Instead he came down on the snake. His leading foot slipped off the scales, and Cornzan landed outside the circle with a whirl of arms and legs and a grand slam. In striking the snake he had accidentally driven the point of his sword into Sasha to a depth of several inches. The weapon stuck upright in the snake's back, swaying with the reptile's motion.

	Franklin Hahn took off right behind Cornzan but, with more skill or better luck, cleared the snake, missed the sword, and came down on top of Cornzan. When Hahn collected himself, he found himself straddling the prone if noble savage like a masseur about to knead a customer.

	Feeling the warrior's thews gathering under him to throw him off, and then presumably to tear him limb from limb, Hahn planted a roundhouse swing on the side of Cornzan's jaw. The blow hurt Hahn's knuckles but dazed Cornzan. Hahn then pulled out the dagger he wore in his sash, gripped it by its dull blade, and whacked Cornzan over the head with the massive jewelled hilt. Three taps sent the adventurer to dreamland.

	Hahn's attention was drawn by a sound like a jet of steam under high pressure. He looked up to see Sasha's head, poised on ten feet of neck, swaying towards him.

	The anaconda was usually harmless, not from conscious docility but from sheer stupid inertia. Besides, he had been drugged. However, to be scrambled and fallen over by two men had roused him from his torpor, and to have his hide pierced by a property sword was too much. Sasha was angry.

	A yard of greeny-yellow forked tongue issued from Sasha's mouth groove, wavered about, and slid back, drawing the ambient air past the olfactory nerve endings on his palate. His four-foot jaws opened to emit another Mesozoic hiss.

	Hahn threw himself back from the recumbent Cornzan and half rose. For a fraction of a second he wondered whether to run like hell or to try to grab the unconscious actor and pull him out of danger.

	Mortimer Knight shouted: "If he eats our star it'll ruin the show!"

	The program manager bounded forward, hands clutching, just as Hahn made up his mind to save Dallas too: a creditable action, since Dallas was his rival for the love of Cassia MacDermott.

	Knight got a wrist and Hahn an ankle. Each started to pull, but in opposite directions. Even under favorable conditions, Remington Dallas' 228 pounds would have made their endeavor precarious. As it was, they got nowhere.

	For two seconds they heaved at the actor, grunting. Then Sasha struck. As Knight was the nearest and noisiest, the snake snapped at him, turning his head sidewise, and caught the executive from behind around the hips — one jaw on each hip.

	Knight let go of Dallas and was dragged backwards, screaming and thrashing. Sasha made a gulping motion, gaining a tooth or two in the process of swallowing Knight arse-first.

	If the snake had thrown a coil around Knight, the Ego would have been snuffed out instantly. But, either Sasha deemed this prey too small to be worth crushing, or he was too lazy to heave his monstrous barrel into the necessary loops. At eleven tons he was, as Sorokin had said, too heavy to be very active.

	Sasha began working his loosely-hinged lower jaw forward, first one side and then the other. As the teeth of a non-venomous snake are slender pegs pointing back towards the throat, Knight's struggles only drove the teeth more deeply into his tissues.

	When Knight released his hold on Dallas, Hahn dragged the actor back a couple of steps before realizing that Knight was in more imminent danger. A din of shouts and cries arose from those witnessing the action. Jaffe shouted orders at Lynd, who shouted orders at his two assistant directors, who shouted at each other to rush in and do something. The floor men contented themselves with shouting advice to the straggling Knight.

	Hahn saw Cornzan's sword still sticking up from Sasha's back. He stepped forward, wrenched the sword out, moved to where Knight writhed in Sasha's jaws, and took a wild two-handed swipe.

	His target was in an awkward position, as the weight of Knight's body was too great for the snake to raise from the floor. The blow missed Sasha's head and grazed Knight's, half severing his right ear. Knight shrieked more loudly than ever.

	Franklin Hahn struck again, more carefully. The blow landed on the top of Sasha's head between the eyes. The dull blade crunched through scales and bone. Sasha hissed through his full jaws and started to back up, bending his neck into a zigzag and dragging Knight along the ground. His instincts and the structure of his teeth prevented him from releasing Knight.

	Hahn followed, striking. The snake's bone structure was not very resistant; the trouble was to find, in that monstrous head, the little ganglion that served Sasha for a brain. Crunch! Crunch! Sasha's body writhed and bumped. A lash of his tail knocked over seven lights and two cameras and broke a cameraman's leg; a flip in the other direction sent the Temple of Yak flying. The audience scattered like a flock of sparrows.

	Hahn hewed at the scaly head until the writhing subsided and the great jaws went slack. The snake lay still save for an occasional reflex-jerk. Sasha was dead.

	The bell announcing the end of the shooting clanged. Franklin Hahn looked up to see Cassia MacDermott, whose manner showed that she had, as told to in the indoctrination, come out of her consiline trance when she heard the bell. She said:

	"My goodness, Frank, what have you been doing? And what's the matter with Mr. Knight? And — oh, poor Remington!"

-

	Mortimer Knight and the injured cameraman lay in the dispensary. When the physicians had completed their task, Knight's harsh yell arose: "I wanna see that guy Hahn!"

	"Here I am, Ego," said Hahn. "When do they say you'll be up and around?"

	"Couple weeks. Nothing but a few punctures; no poison." Knight glared up from his pillow, his right ear hidden by a mass of bandage. "And by God, by that time you'll be out of here! You're fired!"

	"Me? But I thought I just saved your life!"

	"Hell, you bungled everything! You've ruined the Cornzan series! You didn't hold Dallas in play until Sorokin could shoot him. You damn near cut my ear off. You killed Sasha, and we'll have to pay the Sorokin Laboratories for the snake."

	"Good lord, Ego, you're raving! If I hadn't killed the snake you'd be playing a rubber of bridge with those three sheep by now —"

	"And anyway you're too goddam fresh and insubordinate! Get out! Off the lot! Draw your pay and go!" screamed Knight.

	"Here!" said a physician to Hahn. "I don't know who you are, but I can't have you exciting my patient that way."

	"Me?" said Hahn with bitter irony. But he went.

	Reflecting that, if his job were in danger, he had better not be seen loafing, Hahn returned to his office and worked on scripts. He had Cornzan and Lululu trapped in the lost city of Gwor by the Mukluks (a race of Anthonian ghouls whose heads stayed home and sent their bodies forth to seek prey by remote telepathic control) when Mrs. Mazzatenta, Lynd's secretary, came in with some pieces of paper. Hahn found a check for his next month's pay and a dismissal notice.

	Franklin Hahn stared at the notice until belief soaked into his consciousness. Then he went to protest to Jaffe, who smiled sadly and said:

	"I wish I could help, Franklin my boy. Your work is okay. But I can't overrule the Ego unless I'm ready to fire him, and you know what would happen if I told him to keep somebody in his department he didn't like."

	"Are you his boss or aren't you?" said Hahn with heat.

	"Sometimes I wonder. I know the Ego is a bastard of the first water, but he is a genius and he does bring in the money." Ben Jaffe heaved himself out of his chair and came around his desk to pat Hahn's shoulder. "Don't take it too hard, Frank. You'll always have a good job somewhere."

	Franklin Hahn was cleaning out his desk just before five when Cassia MacDermott and Remington Dallas came in. Cassia said:

	"Oh, Frank, we wanted to say how sorry we are to hear you've been fired and to thank you for what you did this afternoon."

	Hahn shrugged. "That was nothing."

	"We also wanted to ask if you wouldn't congratulate us on our engagement."

	"What?"

	"Yes. I guess we really are Cornzan and Lululu spiritually."

	"Uh-huh," said Hahn as Dallas stood beaming silently. "Have a good time, kids."

	In leaving, they passed Sorokin coming in. Cassia said: "I'm sorry about your snake, Ilya. Were you devoted to him?"

	Sorokin shrugged. "Is nothing. Snakes not responsive pets, and Sasha cost too much to feed."

	"I always wanted to appear with him in a snake-charming act — 'Cassia and Sasha.' Good-night."

	Sorokin said: "I, too, have heard, my dear Hahn. Perhaps you can explain this?"

	"What's that?"

	"Is the missing capsule of anesthol. When I tried to shoot Dallas, the gun would not discharge, so I threw it. Afterwards, while supervising removal of Sasha's remains, I picked this up from the floor where Knight had stood."

	"You think he slipped you the gun empty on purpose, so we'd get our heads cut off by Remington?"

	"That is what I think."

	"But whv? I know the Ego's an egregious kind of character

	"Because I, in a moment of foolish rage, told him about my new somnone-beta. His quick mind seized the implications of my stupid boast. Perhaps, he thought, my process is not yet perfected or recorded, so if he can arrange my death it will go to the grave with me. Thus the ruin of the radio-television business will be averted."

	"What are you going to do? Call the gendarmes?"

	"We have nothing like proof. Better leave it alone and content ourselves with milking a few million from WCNQ."

	"You mean that 'we' editorially, don't you?"

	"No. I mean you and me. Would you not like a million dollars?"

	"Sure, but why me?" said Hahn. "You saved my life this afternoon."

	"No-o, I can't say I did. I chased Remington, but you were getting away from him when I caught him."

	"The will was there. Besides, you have now been fired on partly my account. You have talked as if you had good business sense, so you are my partner. I need someone to handle business details, and my last partner I had to put in jail. Gather your stuff, please."

-

	A month later, on a Saturday morning, Franklin Hahn sat at his desk at the Sorokin Laboratories looking at a big beautiful check representing his cut of the first instalment paid by WCNQ to suppress Sorokin's patent on the somnone-beta process. Hahn telephoned Cassia to tell her of his luck.

	"That's wonderful!" she said. "I wish I could have seen the Ego's face. How much money did you say? ... Can I call you back in a few minutes? ... G'bye."

	Ten minutes later Cassia called Hahn back. "I just wanted to call up Remington to break our engagement."

	"Huh?"

	"Yes. He's a beautiful hunk of man, but as you said he has no more brains than Sasha had. Now I wondered if you'd like to take me out tonight?"

	"Would I!" howled Hahn. "And I don't even have to buy a toupee?"

	Five minutes later Franklin Hahn hung up with an expression of imbed lie bliss. This expression flickered out for a second as he caught Sorokin's eye from across the room. It seemed to Hahn that the biochemist was looking at him as if he were one of the smaller experimental animals in the laboratories.

	Sorokin did not tell Hahn that he was making an ass of himself; he merely conveyed that opinion in one piercing glance and turned back to his papers.

	But then, thought Hahn, Ilya's old and sour and cynical and has probably never been in love.

-

Throwback

	"Thousand-pound men!" said the small-sharp-dapper type.

	The tweedy-professor type spoke loudly over the whine of the turbojets: "You've never been to the gigantanth reservation?"

	"No," said small-and-sharp. "I seen pictures of 'em in a Sunday paper, but I never been on the ground in these Ozarks. Flown over 'em lots of times, but never had occasion to stop off until now."

	"My dear chap! After you've signed up your football players in Springfield, drop over to Mushogee and I'll take you out to the reservation."

	"How do I get there?" said small-and-sharp, dubiously.

	"There's an airline; but, if I were you, I'd take the train. You can't really see the country whizzing over it ten miles up." The speaker took a card and scribbled on it. "Here you are. I'm Frybush; teach anthropology at Toronto University. I'm down here to look at the gigantanths myself."

	"My name's Grogan; Oliver Grogan," said the other. "Manager of the Chicago Wolves." They shook hands. "Wouldn't there be any ... uh ... danger? Those thousand-pound ape-men don't sound like the kind of guys you'd ask in for a friendly game of stud."

	Professor Frybush snorted. "Not at all. The government agent watches them, and any that turn mean are shuffled off to where they can't bother people."

	"You mean they bump them?"

	"No! I told you the courts have held Gigatttanthropus to be legally a human being, with the rights and privileges of such. They just move them to another part of the reservation, where they can't pull arms and legs off normal-sized visitors when they lose their tempers."

	Grogan winced visibly. Frybush continued: "What's the matter, don't you want to go? You don't have to; I just thought I'd do you a favor. Speaking of which —"

	"Oh, sure, I'll go. Glad to. But say, where did these things come from? I thought things like that got extinct a million years ago."

	Frybush clucked. "They did, but they were re-created."

	"How can you do that, huh? I don't want nobody re-creating a dinosaur or something in my backyard."

	Frybush smiled. "Ever hear of the brothers Heck?"

	"Nope."

	"They were a pair of Germans who re-created the extinct aurochs a couple of centuries ago."

	"Come again? The extinct what?"

	Frybush looked down through the port at the fiat brown earth far below, in which the river systems made little sets of lines like the veins in a dead leaf.

	"The aurochs was a big wild cow that lived in Europe down to about 1600; something like a Texas longhorn. Although the aurochs was killed off in a wild state, it had interbred with domestic cattle, especially in Spain and Hungary. The Hecks collected modern cattle that showed traces of aurochs blood and bred back to the ancestral form. It proved easier than they expected; in a few generations they had a herd of real aurochs. You can see the brutes in parks in Europe today."

	"You scientific guys," said Grogan, "sure think of crazy things. Is that what they did with these gigan ... these ape-men?"

	"Roughly speaking, yes. When extra-uterine gestation — test-tube babies to you — was perfected after the World Wars, an American named Huebner saw a chance to re-create fossil men in the same way, so he started collecting volunteers who showed traces of Neanderthal et cetera blood. Here's Goldilocks again."

	The hostess was saying in a clear elocutionary voice: "We are about to land at Springfield, Missouri. Passengers for Springfield will kindly secure their belongings. All passengers will fasten their safety belts."

	"Go on," said Grogan.

	"Well," said Frybush, "it took a lot longer than the aurochs, because that inheritance is harder to find among human beings, and because a generation among men is several times as long as among cattle. However, they succeeded finally; Huebner's great-grandson was in charge of the project when it closed. So that's how we have a reservation in Spain with Neanderthal men, one in Oklahoma with Gigantanthropus, et cetera."

	"What do these ape-men do?"

	Frybush shrugged. "A little simple farming, which is about all most of them can be taught."

	Grogan looked at his watch. "Like to make a little bet as to whether we touch before or after the scheduled time? Say a hundred bucks?"

	"Ow! Then I would be sick!"

-

	A week later, Oliver Grogan looked up Professor Frybush in his hotel in Mushogee and said: "Say, Doc, how about taking me out to see those ape-men like you offered?"

	"Sure thing. How'd you make out with your football players?"

	"Lousy. Didn't sign up a one. The hillbillies ain't what they used to be."

	At the entrance to the reservation, the professor signed Grogan in. The little man, his bald head glistening with sweat, had been getting more and more nervous during the ride, and he was not reassured by the sight of a couple of large rifles in the gatekeeper's house.

	"How far are these gi ... gigantanths?" he asked.

	"There's one village half a mile down the road. Easy walk."

	"You mean we gotta walk?"

	"Sure. They don't permit cars."

	"Don't they send a ranger or somebody along?"

	"Not with us. They know me, you see."

	Grogan had to puff to keep up with the professor, who had suddenly turned into much more of an athlete than he looked.

	After a five-minute walk, he suddenly hung back. "What's that?"

	"That" was a strange, faint vocal sound, a rumble like a lion warming up for his evening roar.

	"Just one of the boys," said Frybush; and after a while: "Here are some of them now."

	The grass had been cut over an area of about an acre in a little hollow, and about this area were five great hairy creatures, four male and a female. Two of the males and a female lay on their backs and snoozed, while the remaining two males played catch.

	Grogan did not realize how big they were until he got close and had to look up at their faces. They were about nine feet tall, more massively built than ordinary men, and showed the brutish, protruding faces and stooped posture of the ape-men in books on evolution. Grogan realized with a sick feeling that the ball they were throwing and catching with one hand was a medicine ball.

	"Hey, George!" called the professor.

	The nearest ape-man looked around, grinned gruesomely, and shambled over.

	"George," continued Frybush, "I want you to meet my friend Mr. Grogan. George Ethelbert, assistant chief of the northern tribe."

	Grogan mistrustfully put his hand in the monster's. It was like shaking hands with a three-year-old baby in reverse. Grogan, grinning a little foolishly, said:

	"Me come from Chicago. Fly in big bird. You got-um nice place."

	The ape-man wrinkled his low forehead. "What's the matter, mister?" he rumbled. "You a foreigner or somepin?"

	"Why I ... I didn't know you guys spoke good English," said Grogan. "I guess you like this better than all those mammoths and things, huh?"

	"Huh?" said George Ethelbert, turning to Frybush. "Prof, what's wrong with this guy? I never seen a mammoth in my life, except a picture in a book once."

	"Excuse me, excuse me," said Grogan. "I thought ... well, you know, different, like those things that lived — Oh, skip it. You do the talking, Professor."

	Frybush said: "How about showing us around, George?"

	"How about letting me off and having Zella do it for once?" said Ethelbert. "I'm having a good little game here."

	"Okay."

-

	"Zella!" roared Ethelbert

	When the female kept on snoring like a thunderstorm, he wound up and threw his medicine ball, which bounced off her ribs with a sound like hitting a bass drum.

	"Why, you —"howled the female, rolling to her feet. "I'll fix you, you —"and she charged like an angry elephant. Ethelbert sidestepped at the last minute and let her blunder past. She almost trod on the two normal men, and both monsters laughed at the sight of Frybush and Grogan dodging. The female, temper apparently soothed, hit Ethelbert a slap on the back that would have felled a rhinoceros.

	"Sure, I'll show these shrimps around, and then I'll put a snake in your bunk to show you how to treat a lady," she said. "Where do you twerps want to go?"

	"Professor," said Grogan in a low voice, looking cautiously at the hairy back of Zella trudging through the dust in front of him, "she reminds me of my second wife. I know I made a sap of myself, but I got the idea from what you said that these people would be kind of feeble-minded. They don't sound that way."

	"That depends on the individual," said Frybush. 'They're not really pure Gigantanthropus, you know; it would take many more generations to breed out all the human genes. What's more, George is unusually bright for a gigantanth; practically a genius, which makes him about as intelligent as an average human being."

	"Hm-m-m." Grogan walked in silence, thinking, while Zella pointed out the huge barn and huge log cabins. The latter moved Grogan to say: "Seems pretty crude, Professor. Wouldn't it be simpler to send houses out from the city by truck? A couple of good workmen could run one up in a day."

	Frybush shook his head. "That's been tried, and it nearly ruined the throwbacks. Made 'em lazy, or discouraged 'em from doing anything for themselves. Better to live by their own efforts, even if they're not efficient at it."

	Further on, Frybush said: "Look, Mr. Grogan, I've got some educational matters to discuss with Zella. Why don't you wait here? You can sit on that bench, or wander around; you're safe."

	"Okay," said Grogan resignedly.

	When they had gone, he shuffled about in the sleepy sunshine, the dust of the unpaved street frosting the shine of his shoes. He was getting bored; the place was only a backwoods farm with everything twice natural size, and farms did not appeal to Oliver Grogan. He yawned and stretched out on the hand-hewn bench for a minute of shut-eye while the prof did his business.

	He had barely closed his eyes, however, when a voice said: "Hey, you!"

	Grogan looked up, then sprang to his feet. Before him stood another of the creatures. From its size and comparative hairlessness, he judged it to be a child of the species. Grogan, who knew little even about human children, guessed its age as about twelve. At any rate, it was almost as tall as he was and much heavier than his 130 pounds.

	"Yeah?" he said, backing against the bench and wishing the prof would come back.

	"You another shrimp, ain't cha?"

	"I suppose so, if that's what you call normal people."

	"You come with the professor?"

	"Yeah."

	"Gimme some chewing gum, will ya?"

	"Don't have none."

	"Aw come on! All shrimps got chewing gum. Why won't cha give it to me?"

	"Lemme alone. I tell you I ain't got none!" Grogan began-to sidle around his tormentor to get room to run.

	"Aw come on! Why won't cha? I ast ya nice, didn't I?" The boy caught the sleeve of Grogan's coat.

	Grogan jerked his arm, trying to wrench his sleeve loose. When that failed he kicked out in panic and hit something hard.

	"Yeow!" bellowed the boy, letting go of Grogan's coat to hop on one leg and hug the injured shin of the other.

	Grogan ran in the direction he had seen Frybush go. He heard the pound of the boy's big feet behind him, and its voice yelling rude words. Then thick arms caught his legs and spilled him prone in a flying tackle, and huge fists began to pound his back.

	"Help!" he screamed, burying his head in his arms.

	"Get often there, you!" roared Zella's voice, and Grogan felt the boy plucked from his back. He rolled over in time to see Zella hoist the boy by the neck with one hand, while with the other she gave it a terrific swat on the fundament that tossed it twenty feet. The boy scrambled up and burst into tears.

	"I'll fix you, Zella," it said, "and I'll ... I'll fix that shrimp, too! All I do is ask him polite for some gum, and he kicks me in the shin. I'll twist his head off —"

	As Zella took a threatening step, the boy, still howling, ran around the corner of the nearest cabin.

-

	Grogan felt his bruises and slapped the dust from his suit as Zella and Frybush burst into apologies.

	"Never mind," he said. "It gave me an idea. Professor, can these ... can our friends here leave their reservation if they wanna?"

	"Surely, if they're not known to be dangerous. They're not citizens, but wards of the government with certain guaranteed rights. Some have traveled widely, though they always come back."

	"Why?"

	"For one thing, to be among their own kind."

	"Yeah," said Zella, "and you just reckon what it's like for one of us to travel on one of your measly little trains, or sleep in one of those postage-stamp-sized beds. Huh! The airlines won't even carry us."

	Grogan said: "Wonder if I could talk to George Ethelbert again?"

	"Don't see why not," said Frybush. "We'll pass him on our way back to the gate."

	When they saw Ethelbert again, still playing catch, Grogan called him over and asked: "George, how'd you like to be a professional football player?"

	"Huh? What? You mean play football for money?"

	"Sure. I could make you one."

	George Ethelbert thought for a moment, his sloping forehead contorted. Finally: "Thanks a lot Mr. Grogan. I hope you won't get mad if I turn you down."

	"Why don't you want to, huh?"

	Ethelbert twisted one large bare foot in the dust. "Well, to tell the truth I don't wanna be no football player; I wanna be an artist."

	"A what?"

	"An artist. You know, a guy what draws pictures."

	"Wouldn't that tie you?" exclaimed Grogan, pushing his hat back on his head in puzzlement.

	"But say, lemme think a minute — You know, George, maybe we can get together on this business anyway. Lemme see ... I know: you sign up with me to play ball, and I'll throw in a course at the Chicago Art Institute. Maybe you could get to be like Harry Whitehill, that baseball player that teaches that ... what you call it ... higher mathematics when he ain't playing."

	"Maybe you got something there," said Ethelbert. "Give me a day to think about it. But say, how would you get me to Chicago? I can't even get into one of them railroad cars."

	"Guess I'd have to hire a moving van. That gives me another idea! I'll ship you North in this truck without telling anybody, and train you secretly, and then I'll spring you in our first game of the season as a surprise! Boy, what publicity! Got some clothes, by the way? You can't run around Chi the way you are."

	"Yep, I got a suit to wear into town. Had to have it made special, naturally."

	"Natch," said Grogan.

-

	The first game was to be with the Dallas Wildcats. Ethelbert, climbing into his oversized football suit, looked forward to it with some fear and some hope. On one hand, he had never faced such a large crowd of "normal" people and was sure he'd be scared to death when he lumbered into the stadium. They would stare at him and photograph him. If he fumbled or tripped, he would face the ridicule of thousands and see his blunder recorded in print. Sometimes he wished he were back on his reservation where as assistant chief he had been important in his own right and where you didn't have to watch yourself every minute.

	On the other hand, once people knew" about him, he could stop this hole-in-the-corner existence. He was living in Cicero in a tent in a backyard belonging to Bill Szymczak, the quarterback, and traveling to the practice field in Grogan's closed van. Also, he hoped that Grogan would stop stalling about taking him to the Art Institute; the manager would no longer have the excuse that people would find out about him. Other men of Ethelbert's race had warned him of the heartless way that shrimps tried to rook his kind when they had a chance.

	Grogan made a little inspirational speech to the team, ending with: "... and more depends on this game than you guys got any idea of. Now, get out there and win!"

	"Oh-oh," muttered Szymczak near Ethelbert. "That means the old man's in money trouble again."

	"Again?" said Ethelbert uneasily.

	"Sure, he's always betting his shirt and losing it or something foolish like that. Well, let's hope they don't catch up with him until after pay day."

	"Okay, boys," said Day, the coach, "out we go."

	The team set out through the tunnel in single file, breaking v into a run as they came out into the open. Ethelbert, being saved as a surprise, was placed at the tail of the line. He did not have to break into a run, since by simply lengthening his stride he kept up with the rest.

	As the team appeared on the field, their partisans in the stands set up a roar, though a feeble one compared with that at a big amateur game with its organized rooting. Normally the noise would keep on until some of the boys took their bench while others warmed up with a little snappy passing and running.

	However, the minute Ethelbert lurched out of the tunnel, the roar died as if strangled. Ethelbert could see a crawling movement go through the mass of heads around the stadium as people turned to their neighbors to ask questions. He knew something of the elaborate advance publicity by which Grogan had tried to build up interest in his mysterious new halfback, and he hoped these people were not disappointed.

	Ethelbert sat down on his own special little bench of four-by-six timbers and waited, feeling thousands of eyes boring into him like needles. Then Day came over and said:

	"George, we're putting you in right at the start. We kick off, but we can hold 'em for first-down and then you do your act. Don't try to tackle these guys if they come through; we don't want to kill 'em. You take it easy. What's that?"

	The last was to Grogan, who said: "Seems to be some kind of parley with the referee over there. Guess they're trying to figure out a grounds for protest. Here he comes."

	The referee walked over and said: "Grogan, I'd like to meet your new mystery halfback. Seems some folks have been asking whether he's eligible."

	"Sure," said Grogan. "Mr. Rosso, meet George Ethelbert. See anything wrong with him?"

	Rosso shrank back a little as Ethelbert put out a hand the size of a small suitcase, but braced himself and shook hands.

	"N-no," he said, "unless you'd call being the size of a house something wrong. There was some talk on the other team about whether you'd run in a tame gorilla on them. Speaking of which" — he shot a keen look at Ethelbert — "can your new player talk?"

	"Say something to him, George," said Grogan.

	"Sure, I can talk," said Ethelbert. "What do you want me to say?"

	"I guess he can talk all right," said Rosso, "but I still don't altogether like it. You guys ready?"

	Martin, Grogan's first-string fullback, kicked off for the Wolves. A Wildcat caught it and ran it back to the Wildcat's thirty-yard line before he was downed.

	As they lined up for the next play, Ethelbert got his first good look at the Wildcats, and they at him. The sight did not seem to please them. They kept turning to stare at him when they were supposed to be listening to their captain's instructions in the huddle.

	The Wildcats' first two plays were line-bucks that got nowhere. On the next the Wildcat ball-carrier got through the Wolves' line, ran towards Ethelbert — who remembering his instructions, did no more than make an ineffectual grab at him — skittered wildly around to the side, and made his ten yards.

	At that, the look of blank despair on the Wildcats' faces relaxed a little. However, their next two plays were smothered line plays that got them only three yards. Then they tried a pass. Ethelbert lumbered towards the receiver, stretching out hairy-backed hands, showing his immense teeth, and going "Woo!" This sight kept the receiver so busy backing away from Ethelbert that he did not even try to catch the ball. The same thing happened on the next play. Then the Wildcats kicked, and the Wolves downed the ball on their own twenty-seven-yard line.

	Szymczak told Ethelbert: "Okay, big boy, here we go."

	On the play, Szymczak took the ball and handed it to Ethelbert, who tried to step over the scrimmage line. The mass of bodies was a little too big, however, and Ethelbert came down with a crunch on something; then continued on his way. A rash Wildcat wrapped his arms around Ethelbert's leg, but Ethelbert shook his leg and sent the player spinning twenty feet away. When another dove at him he caught the man in his free hand and threw him away. Then he trotted on down the field for a touchdown.

	The stands roared; men in white carried off in a stretcher the Wildcat Ethelbert had stepped on; and the Wolves made their place-kick good. Seven to nothing, Wolves' favor.

	On the Wolves' next kick-off, the Wildcats were so demoralized that they fumbled the ball all over the place until a Wolf ran down and fell on it. On the first play, the Wildcats actually lost ground, which completed their breakdown. They kicked.

	By luck the kick came down near Ethelbert, who scooped it out of the air like an elephant catching a peanut, and lumbered down the field again. There seemed plenty of opponents in front of him, but when he braced himself to meet them they all seemed somehow to be not quite able to reach him. Over the racket from the stands he heard the Wildcats' captain yelling: "Grab him! Grab him!"

	But that, nobody seemed anxious to do. Another touchdown.

	At this point, however, the game failed to go on. Ethelbert saw the Wildcats gathered around their coach, waving arms and shouting. Presently Martin told him:

	"They say they won't play any more. You busted that guy's leg you stepped on, George."

	"Aw, gee, I'm sorry," said Ethelbert.

	Now Grogan was arguing with the Wildcat coach and the Wildcat manager, arms flying.

	"They say they won't," yelled the Wildcat manager.

	"What is this, a strike?" shouted Grogan. "Thought you had arbitration clauses in your contracts."

	"How you gonna arbitrate a thing like this in the middle of a game? Unless you take out this gorilla they just don't play no more, period. And I don't blame 'em. They say they'd have to have a Brahma bull on their side to make it even."

	"You mean you concede the game?"

	"I don't give a care what you call it —"

	Here the referee joined in: "But you can't do that! The customers'll riot if you quit now. We'll have to give 'em back their dough. You'll lose your bond —"

	"And I said," yelled Grogan, "that I won't take Ethelbert out! I'm not quitting; I'm just standing on my rights."

	The dispute became too general for Ethelbert to hear what was going on. With his teammates he retired to the benches and sat grinning until the knot broke up and Grogan rejoined them. "Okay, boys," he said. "Off to the showers. We get our dough without even having to play for it."

	"Can I go to the Art Institute now to sign up?" Ethelbert asked him.

	"Sure, sure, I'll make a date for tomorrow afternoon."

	"Swell. Look Mr. Grogan, do I have to ride around inside that smelly old moving van any more? If I sort of hang out the side I can sit up with the driver, and since folks know about me now —"

	"Sure, only just don't bother me now."

-

	Ethelbert found the dressing room full of newspaper reporters and photographers. "Mr. Ethelbert, how do you get along with human beings?"

	"Mr. Ethelbert, will you turn your head so I can get your profile? I want to show that receding forehead — "

	"Say, George, how do you manage with telephone booths?"

	When they asked him what he was interested in besides football, he was tempted to tell them about his art course. However, he decided that they might have fun with the story and kept his mouth shut. You had to watch yourself every minute in dealing with shrimps.

	Ethelbert enjoyed his ride out to Cicero through a light drizzle in the front seat of the van, although he had to sit scrunched up with his knees under his chin. The truck listed to starboard. Once, when they were stuck in a jam and an impatient hack driver began slanging Szymczak for getting in his way, Ethelbert unfolded his length and oozed out around the windshield to where the hackie could see him. The man subsided and sped away.

	When they got to Szymczak's little house, Ethelbert insisted upon calling up the hospital whither the injured Wildcat had been taken, to learn that his fracture was not too serious. He even wanted to pay the wounded player a visit. But Szymczak said:

	"No, George, just think: if you was to walk in on him and he was to look up and see you, he'd have a galloping relapse."

	"Oh, heck," grumbled Ethelbert. "All you shrimps think that because I'm bigger than you, I don't have no human feelings."

	He retired to the backyard to wait for them to bring him his ten-pound dinner, wondering how much longer he'd have to put up with this tent. Although he was used to hard living, he had in his few weeks in Chicago acquired a yearning for the niceties of civilization. Maybe some day he could have a house built special for him with furniture to match	

-

	Next morning, he made a telephone call to Grogan's office on Szymczak's line. To do this, he stood outside Szymczak's window. Szymczak dialed the number, since Ethelbert's fingers would not fit the holes in the dial. When the office answered, Szymczak handed the instrument out the window.

	Grogan's secretary said: "No, George, Mr. Grogan isn't in now. He was, but he rushed out to see his lawyer. I think it's about that meeting this afternoon."

	"What meeting?" said Ethelbert, holding the receiver between thumb and forefinger.

	"Oh, didn't you know? The executive committee of the National Football League is meeting right after lunch. It's about that game yesterday."

	"Huh?" said Ethelbert, and repeated her words to Szymczak.

	Szymczak whistled. "Ask her if that ain't kind of fast work."

	The secretary said: "Yeah, it sure is. A couple of them flew in from California this morning. That game made headlines all over."

	"Didn't he say nothing about his date with me, to go to the Art Institute today?"

	"No, nothing. And, just after he went out, a process server came in looking for him."

	"What for?"

	"How should I know? Maybe one of his wives has got on his trail again."

	Szymczak, when told, looked grim. "Looks as though everything sure ganged up on him at once. He had some big debts, and now if the exec committee says no to you, it'll clean him out."

	Ethelbert growled: "Why don't people tell me these things before I get tangled up with a guy like that? What'll he do? Run away?"

	"Might. Ready to go to practice? I'll get the truck."

	George Ethelbert practiced that day with only half his mind, while with the other half he worried about Grogan's course of action. In the middle of the afternoon the coach suddenly called from the sidelines:

	"Hey, George!"

	"Yeah?" said Ethelbert, checking a pass in the act of throwing.

	"Come here, please. Mr. Grogan wants to see you."

	Day's tone made Ethelbert's heart sink as he lumbered off the field. When he squeezed into the dressing room he found Grogan, looking as unhappy as he, Ethelbert, felt.

	"George," said Grogan, "I hate to tell you this, but the committee has decided nix."

	"Huh?"

	"Yeah, they passed a new rule. No more gigantanths, pithecanthropes, or other products of the Huebner experiments will be allowed to play in the League. To make sure they've added a top-weight rule: nobody over 350 pounds."

	"Gee," was all Ethelbert could say.

	Day spoke up: "They can't do that in the middle of the season, Ollie."

	"Maybe not, but they did. George, I'll arrange for the truck to take you back to your reservation free, if you want to go. You want to go, don't you?"

	Ethelbert frowned. "How about my art course?"

	"Oh, that's all off. You can't carry out your end of the contract, so you can't expect me to carry out mine, can you? I'm letting you off easy."

	Ethelbert shook his great head: "I remember that contract just exactly, Mr. Grogan, and it said I was to get my course regardless of whether I was able to play or not. You remember, I insisted on that"

	Grogan spread his hands. "Be reasonable; George. I'm having money troubles of my own, and with you out of the picture I can't afford your course. Can't get blood out of turnips, you know."

	"You mean," rumbled Ethelbert, "you want to get out of your promise and this is a good excuse. Why, you dirty little so-and-so, I could break your back, like this —"

	"Yeek!" Grogan dodged behind the coach and fumbled in his pocket. "Don't come a step nearer! Keep back or I'll cool

	His hand brought out a small pistol. As Ethelbert hesitated, Grogan sidled toward the door, then dashed out. Ethelbert took two steps after him and got stuck in the door.

	He pulled himself back inside the dressing room, shaking the building to its foundations, and turned upon Day. The coach paled and started to slink out the other door.

	"Don't be scared of me, Mel!" roared Ethelbert. "I'm not mad at you."

	"Well —"

	"I know what it is. Just because you think I'm big and ugly, I'm some kind of gorilla that goes into wild rages and bites off a guy's head. All right, if that's how you feel. I thought you was a friend of mine."

	"I'm sorry, George; I guess you did give me a turn for a moment. What are you going to do now?"

	"Dunno. You know how much I eat compared to you little guys. My money won't last long at that rate. What do you do when somebody runs out on his promise?"

	"Well, if it was me, I'd get a lawyer and sue."

	"Don't you have to pay lawyers a lot of money ahead of time?"

	"Usually yes, but some of 'em take cases on a contingent-fee basis. If they win, they take a percentage; if not, they don't get anything."

	"Do you know any lawyers?"

	Day closed his eyes for a few seconds. "We-ell, don't ever let Ollie know I tipped you off; after all I work for him. But if you go see Charlie MacAlpine at this address, he'll take care of you. Take your contract along."

-

	Ethelbert went home with Szymczak as usual. Next morning, he persuaded the quarterback to drop him off at the lawyer's address on his way to practice.

	When Ethelbert squeezed his way into the lawyer's office, the girl at MacAlpine's switchboard screamed and upset her chair. The sound brought MacAlpine from his sanctum — a stout, sleepy-looking man with a great gray mop of hair. The lawyer calmed the girl:

	"Now, now, this is Mr. Ethelbert, who made an appointment by telephone. Nothing to get excited about. Come into the inner office, Mr. Ethelbert, and tell me your troubles. I think you can get through this door if you turn sideways."

	When Ethelbert had told his story, MacAlpine said: "Ordinarily I don't take contingent-fee cases, but in this case I'll do it. The case would be worth the cost to me in free publicity if I never made a cent on it." He grinned through his fat and chuckled.

	After they had gone over the contract, MacAlpine said: "All right, then, I'll draw up the complaint today; file it first thing tomorrow and have Grogan served."

	"What'll I do meanwhile?"

	"What do you mean, what'll you do?"

	"I haven't got a job or anything, and I can't go on living off Bill Szymczak. And I don't think Mr. Grogan will let me use the truck any more when he learns I'm suing him."

	"That's so. Look, I know a man near here I once did a favor for, and he's the manager of a hotel. I think I can get him to take you. And I'll see that you eat until the case is settled."

	"Gee, I don't know how to thank you, Mr. MacAlpine."

	On the way out, Ethelbert was tempted to ask the switchboard girl for a date, then thought better of it.

	As Ethelbert and the lawyer walked along the street, little crowds formed to gape from a respectful distance. Ethelbert did not like it but could not think of anything to do about it.

	The manager of the Elysian Hotel did not seem over-pleased to get a thousand-pound guest. He muttered about breaking down his beds.

	"That's all right," said Ethelbert; "I wouldn't know how to sleep in a bed anyhow. Just put a couple of mattresses on the floor and I'll be okay."

	"But, Mr. Ethelbert," said the manager, "can I count on you not to hang around the lobby? Not that we discriminate against people of your kind, you understand, but if somebody came in after a party to register at our hotel, and looked up and saw you, he might change his mind."

	"Oh, I'll stay in my room all the time, except when I'm out to see Mr. MacAlpine," said Ethelbert. "I don't know Chicago well enough to go wandering around by myself; I'd get lost."

-

	Next morning, MacAlpine telephoned Ethelbert: "Trot up to my office, George. Grogan and his lawyer are on their way."

	At the office, MacAlpine told him: "They may want to settle out of court. I'll hide you in the inner office here. No matter what happens, keep still. I'll come in and tell you what they offer."

	"Mr. MacAlpine," said Ethelbert, "maybe I'm being too tough on poor Mr. Grogan —"

	"Bunk! Ollie Grogan's never given a sucker an even break in his life."

	Ethelbert waited in the inner room, hearing faint voices, until MacAlpine came in: "George, they've offered to give you two-thirds of the price of your art course if you'll call off the suit. I had quite an argument. First they insisted you weren't human, and I had to cite a dozen cases to prove otherwise. Then they wanted to offer only a quarter or a half."

	"What do you think?"

	"I think you'd be smart to take it. Considering Ollie's financial condition, I'm afraid that if we try to get our last pound of flesh we'll only drive him into bankruptcy. The story going round is that he lost fifty thousand to some gangster in a poker game, and this individual is beginning to bear down on him."

	Ethelbert thought. "Okay, Mr. MacAlpine. What do I do now?"

	"We'll see." MacAlpine led his client into the outer office, where he shook hands with Grogan and his lawyer, all bearing glassy smiles upon their faces. Grogan said: "If you'll wait until tomorrow, George, I'll pay you —"

	"Why not today, Mr. Grogan?"

	Grogan shrugged. "Have to get the dough —"

	"Excuse me, but don't you have one of them bank accounts? You could write a check."

	"No, I don't like 'em. I keep my stuff in cash."

	"Well then, I'll go with you to where you live, and you can pay me there."

	MacAlpine said: "That seems reasonable to me, Mr. Grogan. After all —"

	"All right," sighed Grogan. "You guys ready to go right now?"

	MacAlpine said: "I think George can take care of the receiving end. I've got to be in court in an hour. You go with him, George, and I'll get in touch with you."

	At the street level, Grogan's lawyer pleaded that he too had business. After another round of handshakes he left them.

	Ethelbert said: "Where do you live, Mr. Grogan?" And when Grogan told him: "Have you got the truck here?"

	"No," said Grogan shortly.

	"Well, how far is this place? Couple of miles? We can walk it easy." 

	"But —"

	"Come along; you show me the way."

	Grogan subsided and led Ethelbert zigzag across downtown Chicago on the edge of the Loop district. They reached a small apartment hotel.

	"You wait out here," said Grogan.

	"If you don't mind I'll wait inside," said Ethelbert. "People stare so if I stand in the street."

	"All right."

	Grogan went into the lobby, and Ethelbert followed after, the sight of him causing the switchboard girl to swallow her gum. Grogan disappeared into the elevator. Ethelbert waited.

	He waited some more.

	Finally he asked the elevator operator: "Say, mister, you got a telephone I can call Mr. Grogan's apartment on?"

	"Yeah," said the operator, approaching him in gingerly fashion. "You use this handset and push this button here."

	Ethelbert pushed the button and held the receiver to his ear. He pushed it again. Nothing happened.

	"You sure this is the right button?" he asked the operator.

	"Yeah," said the latter, checking.

	Ethelbert tried again without success, then said: "How about taking me up to Mr. Grogan's floor?"

	"Uh. I don't think our elevator's made to carry so much weight."

	"How many is it made to carry?"

	The operator looked at the license posted inside the elevator. "Eight."

	"Well, I only weigh as much as six of you shrimps, so let me in."

	As Ethelbert, bending almost double, squeezed into the car, the operator protested feebly: "Hey, there ain't room for me!"

	"That's all right; you can still work your little buttons. Now take me up to Mr. Grogan's floor."

	Ethelbert rang the buzzer on Grogan's door, with no results. He called: "Hey, Mr. Grogan!" and knocked. Silence.

	Finally he drew back his fist and dealt a real wallop to the door, which flew open with a rending of wood.

	The apartment showed the disorder of a hurried departure. When he had satisfied himself that Grogan was not there, Ethelbert came back to the elevator. "You got a telephone I could call outside with?"

	"Sure," said the operator. "On the ground floor."

	"You ain't seen Mr. Grogan come down since he went up?"

	"Nope."

	"Is there any other way out — a back stairs, like?"

	"Nope. Just this elevator and that there stairs."

	Back to earth, Ethelbert telephoned the training field and got Day. After telling of the day's happenings, he ended: "— so the guy has disappeared. What do you suppose he's doing?"

	Day replied: "Sounds to me like he's absconded with all the club's money. I've been suspicious he might try something like that if it got too hot for him. You stay there and watch for him, and I'll be right over with a cop and a warrant."

	Left to ponder, Ethelbert wondered whether to search the whole apartment house. No, that wouldn't do; you couldn't go busting into people's apartments unless you were a policeman or something. Besides, while he was searching thus, Grogan might sneak past him and down the stairs.

	While Ethelbert lounged uneasily in the entrance to the building, a whirr of rotors above the street noises made him look up to see a helicopter glide out of sight over the top of his own building.

	Instantly he knew where Grogan was. He dashed in to the elevator, nearly stepping on one of the tenants who was on his way out to walk his dog. The dog yipped and wound his leash around its master's legs, while Ethelbert squeezed into the elevator again and bellowed: "All the way up, you!"

	"Now," he said when they had arrived at the top of the shaft, "how do you get out onto the roof?"

	"Through ... uh ... through that little d-door there," said the operator, pointing.

	The little door was open but too small for Ethelbert, who burst out on the roof, bringing most of the door frame with him. The helicopter hovered a few feet above the surface of the roof. Oliver Grogan was handing a suitcase up to the pilot.

	"Hey!" roared Ethelbert, squinting against the gale of the rotor.

	Grogan skinned up the short ladder like a frightened monkey. The door of the craft closed behind him. The helicopter began to rise.

	Ethelbert looked around for some means of stopping it. There were no loose objects on the roof. The nearest projection was the upper end of an iron standpipe.

	Ethelbert seized the top of the standpipe in both hands and grunted. The pipe broke off with a sharp .sound, and Ethelbert threw the two-foot length at the main rotor.

	The missile hit with a clank and a splitting sound. The helicopter, with a shattered rotor blade, teetered and crashed to the roof, crumpling its undercarriage. As it fell, the door flew open and Grogan and his suitcase popped out. The suitcase in turn burst open as it hit the roof, spilling out shirts and socks and a couple of large wads of currency held together with rubber bands. Grogan rolled over, picked himself up, and sprinted for the edge of the roof.

	Ethelbert lumbered after him. At the low wall along the edge, Grogan hesitated. He looked at the pavement ten stories below, then at Ethelbert, and jumped.

	Ethelbert, coming up, shot out a long arm and caught Grogan's ankle. He hauled Grogan back to the roof, muttering:

	"Fool, I wasn't gonna hurt you none."

	"Hey," said another voice. It was the pilot of the helicopter, who had just freed himself from the wreckage. "What's the idea? What goes on? I just come to take this guy to the airport, like he 'phoned us to do —"

	"Stay where you are, buddy," said Ethelbert. "This passenger of yours is a criminal embezzler or something."

	"But that's no cause to bust my machine. You'll hear from the Victory Air Cab Service about this —"

	They were still arguing when Day came through the door with a policeman.

-

	Three days later, George Ethelbert arrived in court to testify against Oliver Grogan in his preliminary hearing on the charge of embezzlement. Grogan was led in. While they were waiting for the judge, Grogan called over to Ethelbert:

	"Hey, George!"

	"Yeah, Mr. Grogan?"

	"Thanks for saving my life."

	"Oh, shucks, that wasn't nothing."

	"Sure it was. After I got to thinking I figured a guy is a sap to bump himself just on account of a little money trouble."

	"Sure," said Ethelbert.

	"And you won't have to testify against me after all. I'm gonna plead guilty."

	"What?"

	"Yeah. Been thinking. Between my ex-wives and creditors and those lugs I lost dough to gambling, I figure jail will be the safest place. Gonna go back to Oklahoma?"

	"Me? No, I'm a policeman now."

	"What?" cried Grogan.

	"Yeah. When I told the sergeant all about how I caught you, he said that was shrewd police work, and he called in the lieutenant, and they signed me up as a rookie cop. This morning I found out I passed the civil service examination, and I start in police school tomorrow."

	"I'll be —"

	"So will I. Ain't it great? Next month when the new term opens at the Art Institute I'll be able to study there in my off hours. The lieutenant said when the news got out about me being on the force, that would prob'ly end crime in Chicago once and for all!"

-

Judgment Day

	It took me a long time to decide whether to let the earth live. Some might think this an easy decision. Well, it was and it wasn't. I wanted one thing, while the mores of my culture said to do the other.

	This is a decision that few have to make. Hitler might give orders for the execution of ten million, and Stalin orders that would kill another ten million. But neither could send the world up in a puff of flame by a few marks on a piece of paper.

	Only now has physics got to the point where such a decision is possible. Yet, with due modesty, I don't think my discovery was inevitable. Somebody might have come upon it later — say in a few centuries, when such things might be better organized. My equation was far from obvious. All the last three decades' developments in nuclear physics have pointed away from it.

	My chain-reaction uses iron, the last thing that would normally be employed in such a series. It's at the bottom of the atomic energy-curve. Anything else can be made into iron with a release of energy, while it takes energy to make iron into anything else.

	Really, the energy doesn't come from the iron, but from the — the other elements in the reaction. But the iron is necessary. It is not exactly a catalyst, as it is transmuted and then turned back into iron again, whereas a true catalyst remains unchanged. But the effect is the same. With iron so common in the crust of the earth, it should be possible to blow the entire crust off with one big poof.

	I recall how I felt when I first saw these equations, here in my office last month. I sat staring at my name on the glass of the door, "Dr. Wade Ormont," only it appears backwards from the inside. I was sure I had made a mistake. I checked and rechecked and calculated and recalculated. I went through my nuclear equations at least thirty times. Each time my heart, my poor old heart, pounded harder and the knot in my stomach grew tighter. I had enough sense not to tell anybody else in the department about my discovery.

	I did not even then give up trying to find something wrong with my equations. I fed them through the computer, in case there was some glaring, obvious error I had been overlooking. Didn't that sort of thing — a minus for a plus or something — once happen to Einstein? I'm no Einstein, even if I am a pretty good physicist, so it could happen to me.

	However, the computer said it hadn't. I was right.

	The next question was: what to do with these results? They ' would not help us towards the laboratory's objectives: more powerful nuclear weapons and more efficient ways of generating nuclear power. The routine procedure would be to write up a report. This would be typed and photostated and stamped "Top Secret." A few copies would be taken around by messenger to those who needed to know about such things. It would go to the AEC and the others. People in this business have learned to be pretty close-mouthed, but the knowledge of my discovery would still spread, even though it might take years.

	I don't think the government of the United States would ever try to blow up the world, but others might. Hitler might have, if he had known how, when he saw he faced inevitable defeat. The present Commies are pretty cold-blooded calculators, but one can't tell who'll be running their show in ten or twenty years. Once this knowledge gets around, anybody with a reasonable store of nuclear facilities could set the thing off. Most would not, even in revenge for defeat. But some might threaten to do so as blackmail, and a few would actually touch it off if thwarted. What's the proportion of paranoids and other crackpots in the world's population? It must be high enough, as a good fraction of the world's rulers and leaders have been of this type. No government yet devised — monarchy, aristocracy, theocracy, timocracy, democracy, dictatorship, soviet, or what have you — will absolutely stop such people from coming to the top. So long as these tribes of hairless apes are organized into sovereign nations, the nuclear Ragnarok is not only possible but probable.

	For that matter, am I not a crackpot myself, calmly to contemplate blowing up the world?

	No. At least the psychiatrist assured me my troubles were not of that sort. A man is not a nut if he goes about gratifying his desires in a rational manner. As to the kind of desires, that's non-rational anyway. I have adequate reasons for wishing to exterminate my species. It's no high-flown, farfetched theory either; no religious mania about the sinfulness of man, but a simple, wholesome lust for revenge. Christians pretend to disapprove of vengeance, but that's only one way of looking at it. Many other cultures have deemed it right and proper, so it can't be a sign of abnormality.

	For instance, when I think back over my fifty-three years, what do I remember? Well, take the day I first entered school ...

-

	I suppose I was a fearful little brute at six: skinny, stubborn, and precociously intellectual. Because my father was a professor, I early picked up a sesquipedalian way of speaking (which has been defined as a tendency to use words like "sesquipedalian"). At six I was sprinkling my conversation with words like "theoretically" and "psychoneurotic." Because of illnesses I was as thin as a famine victim, with just enough muscle to get me from here to there.

	While I always seemed to myself a frightfully good little boy whom everyone picked on, my older relatives in their last years assured me I was nothing of the sort, but the most intractable creature they ever saw. Not that I was naughty or destructive. On the contrary, I meticulously obeyed all formal rules and regulations with a zeal that would have gladdened the heart of a Prussian drill sergeant. It was that in those situations that depend, not on formal rules, but on accommodating oneself to the wishes of others, I never considered any wishes but my own. These I pursued with fanatical single-mindedness. As far as I was concerned, other people were simply inanimate things put into the world to minister to my wants. What they thought I neither knew nor cared.

	Well, that's my relatives' story. Perhaps they were prejudiced too. Anyway, when I entered the first grade in a public school in New Haven, the fun started the first day. At recess a couple grabbed my cap for a game of "siloochee." That meant that they tossed the cap from one to the other while the owner leaped this way and that like a hooked fish trying to recover his headgear.

	After a few minutes I lost my temper and tried to brain one of my tormentors with a rock. Fortunately, six-year-olds are not strong enough to kill each other by such simple means. I raised a lump on the boy's head, and then the others piled on me. Because of my weakness I was no match for any of them. The teacher dug me out from the bottom of the pile.

	With the teachers I got on well. I had none of the normal boy's spirit of rebellion against all adults. In my precocious way I reasoned that adults probably knew more than I, and when they told me to do something I assumed they had good reasons and did it. The result was that I became teacher's pet, which made my life that much harder with my peers.

	They took to waylaying me on my way home. First they would snatch my cap for a game of siloochee. The game would develop into a full-fledged baiting session, with boys running from me in front, jeering, while others ran up behind to hit or kick me. I must have chased them all over New Haven. When they got tired of being chased they would turn around, beat me (which they could do with absurd ease), and chase me for a while. I screamed, wept, shouted threats and abuse, made growling and hissing noises, and indulged in pseudo-fits like tearing my hair and foaming at the mouth in hope of scaring them off. This was just what they wanted. Hence, during most of my first three years in school, I was let out ten minutes early so as to be well on my way to my home on Chapel Street by the time the other boys got out.

	This treatment accentuated my bookishness. I was digging through Millikan's The Electron at the age of nine.

	My father worried vaguely about my troubles but did little about them, being a withdrawn, bookish man himself. His line was medieval English literature, which he taught at Yale, but he still sympathized with a fellow intellectual and let me have my head. Sometimes he made fumbling efforts to engage me in ball-throwing and similar outdoor exercises. This had little effect, since he really hated exercise, sport, and the outdoors as much as I did, and was as clumsy and unco-ordinated as I to boot. Several times I resolved to force myself through a regular course of exercises to make myself into a young Tarzan, but when it came to executing my resolution I found the calisthenics such a frightful bore that I always let them lapse before they had done me any good.

-

	I'm no psychologist. Like most followers of the exact sciences, I have an urge to describe psychology as a "science," in quotes, implying that only the exact sciences like physics are entitled to the name. That may be unfair, but it's how many physicists feel.

	For instance, how can the psychologists all these years have treated sadism as something abnormal, brought on by some stupid parent's stopping his child from chopping up the furniture with a hatchet, thereby filling him with frustration and insecurity? On the basis of my own experience I will testify that all boys — well, perhaps ninety-nine per cent — are natural-born sadists. Most of them have it beaten out of them. Correct that: most of them have it beaten down into their subconscious, or whatever the head-shrinkers call that part of our minds nowadays. It's still there, waiting a chance to pop up. Hence crime, war, persecution, and all the other ills of society. Probably this cruelty was evolved as a useful characteristic back in the Stone Age. An anthropological friend once told me this idea was fifty years out of date, but he could be wrong also.

	I suppose I have my share of it. At least I never wanted anything with such passionate intensity as I wanted to kill those little fiends in New Haven by lingering and horrible tortures. Even now, forty-five years after, that wish is still down there at the bottom of my mind, festering away. I still remember them as individuals, and can still work myself into a frenzy of hatred and resentment just thinking about them. I don't suppose I have ever forgotten or forgiven an injury or insult in my life. I'm not proud of that quality, but neither am I ashamed of it. It is just the way I am.

	Of course I had reasons for wishing to kill the little bastards, while they had no legitimate grudge against me. I had done nothing to them except to offer an inviting target, a butt, a punching-bag. I never expected, as I pored over Millikan's book, that this would put me on the track of as complete a revenge as anybody could ask.

	So much for boys. Girls I don't know about. I was the middle one of three brothers; my mother was a masterful character lacking the qualities usually thought of as feminine; and I never dated a girl until I was nearly thirty. I married late, for a limited time, and had no children. It would neatly have solved my present problem if I had found how to blow up the male half of the human race while sparing the female. That is not the desire for a super-harem, either. I had enough trouble keeping one woman satisfied when I was married. It is just that the female half has never gone out of its way to make life hell for me, day after day for years, even though one or two women, too, have done me dirt. So, in a mild, detached way, I should be sorry to destroy the women along with the men.

	By the time I was eleven and in the sixth grade, things had got worse. My mother thought that sending me to a military academy would "make a man of me." I should be forced to exercise and mix with the boys. Drill would teach me to stand up and hold my shoulders back. And I could no longer slouch into my father's study for a quiet session with the encyclopedia.

	My father was disturbed by this proposal, thinking that sending me away from home would worsen my lot by depriving me of my only sanctuary. Also he did not think we could afford a private school on his salary and small private income.

	As usual, my mother won. I was glad to go at first. Anything seemed better than the torment I was enduring. Perhaps a new crowd of boys would treat me better. If they didn't, our time would be so fully organized that nobody would have an opportunity to bully me.

	So in the fall of 1927, with some fears but more hopes, I entered Rogers Military Academy at Waukeegus, New Jersey ...

-

	The first day, things looked pretty good. I admired the gray uniforms with the little brass strip around the edge of the visors of the caps.

	But it took me only a week to learn two things. One was that the school, for all its uniforms and drills, was loosely run. The boys had plenty of time to think up mischief. The other was that, by the mysterious sense boys have, they immediately picked me as fair game.

	On the third day somebody pinned a sign to my back, reading call me sally. I went around all day unconscious of the sign and puzzled by being called "Sally."

	"Sally" I remained all the time I was at Rogers. The reason for calling me by a girl's name was merely that I was small, skinny, and unsocial, as I have never had any tendencies towards sexual abnormality. Had I had, I could easily have indulged them, Rogers being like other boys' boarding schools in this regard.

	To this day I wince at the name "Sally." Some years ago, before I married, matchmaking friends introduced me to an attractive girl and could not understand why I dropped her like a hot brick. Her name was Sally.

	There was much hazing of new boys at Rogers; the teachers took a fatalistic attitude and looked the other way. I was the favorite hazee, only with me it did not taper off after the first few weeks. They kept it up all through the first year. One morning in March, 1928, I was awakened around five by several boys' seizing my arms and legs and holding me down while one of them forced a cake of soap into my mouth.

	"Look out he don't bite you," said one.

	"Castor oil would be better."

	"We ain't got none. Hold his nose; that'll make him open up."

	"We should have shaved the soap up into little pieces. Then he'd have foamed better."

	"Let me tickle him; that'll make him throw a fit."

	"There, he's foaming fine, like a old geyser."

	"Stop hollering, Sally," one of them addressed me, "or we'll put the suds in your eyes."

	"Put the soap in 'em anyway. It'll make a red-eyed monster out of him. You know how he glares and shrieks when he gits mad?"

	"Let's cut his hair all off. That'll reely make him look funny."

	My yells brought one of the masters, who sharply ordered the tormentors to cease. They stood up while I rose to a sitting position on my bunk, spitting out soapsuds. The master said:

	"What's going on here? Don't you know this is not allowed? It will mean ten rounds for each of you!"

	"Rounds" were Rogers' form of discipline. Each round consisted of marching once around the track in uniform with your piece on your shoulder. (The piece was a Springfield 1903 army rifle with the firing pin removed, lest some student get .30 cartridges to fit and blow somebody's head off.) I hoped my tormentors would be at least expelled and was outraged by the lightness of their sentence. They on the other hand were indignant that they had been so hardly treated and protested with the air of outraged virtue:

	"But Mr. Wilson, sir, we was only playing with him!"

	At that age I did not know that private schools do not throw out paying students for any but the most heinous offenses; they can't afford to. The boys walked their ten rounds and hated me for it. They regarded me as a tattle-tale because my howls had drawn Mr. Wilson's attention and devoted themselves to thinking up new and ingenious ways to make me suffer. Now they were more subtle. There was nothing so crude as forcing soap down my throat. Instead it was hiding parts of my uniform, putting horse manure and other undesirable substances in my bed, and tripping me when I was drilling so my nine-pound Springfield and I went sprawling in the dirt.

	I fought often, always getting licked and usually being caught and given rounds for violating the school's rules. I was proud when I actually bloodied one boy's nose, but it did me no lasting good. He laid for me in the swimming pool and nearly drowned me. By now I was so terrorized that I did not dare to name my attackers, even when the masters revived me by artificial respiration and asked me. Wilson said:

	"Ormont, we know what you're going through, but we can't give you a bodyguard to follow you around. Nor can we encourage you to tattle as a regular thing; that'll only make matters worse."

	"But what can I do, sir? I try to obey the rules ..."

	"That's not it."

	"What, then? I don't do anything to these kids; they just pick on me all the time."

	"Well, for one thing, you could deprive them of the pleasure of seeing you yelling and making wild swings that never land ..." He drummed on his desk with his fingers. "We have this sort of trouble with boys like you, and if there's any way to stop it I don't know about it. You — let's face it; you're queer."

	"How?"

	"Oh, your language is much too adult —"

	"But isn't that what you're trying to teach us in English?"

	"Sure, but that's not the point. Don't argue about it; I'm trying to help you. Then another thing. You argue about everything, and most of the time you're right. But you don't suppose people like you for putting them in the wrong, do you?"

	"But people ought —"

	"Precisely, they ought, but they don't. You can't change the world by yourself. If you had muscles like Dempsey you could get away with a good deal, but you haven't. So the best thing is to adopt a protective coloration. Pay no attention to their attacks or insults. Never argue; never complain; never criticize. Rash a glassy smile at everybody, even when you feel like murdering them. Keep your language simple and agree with what's said whether you feel that way or not. I hate to give you a counsel of hypocrisy, but I don't see any alternative. If we could only make some sort of athlete out of you ..."

	This was near the end of the school year. In a couple of weeks I was home. I complained about the school and asked to return to public school in New Haven. My parents objected on the ground that I was getting a better education at Rogers than I should get locally, which was true.

	One day some of my old pals from public school caught me in a vacant lot and gave me a real beating, so that my face was swollen and marked. I realized that, terrible though the boys at Rogers were, they did not include the most fearful kind of all: the dimwitted muscular lout who has been left behind several grades in public school and avenges his boredom and envy by tormenting his puny classmates. After' that I did not complain about Rogers.

-

	People talk of "School days, school days, dear old golden rule days ..." and all that rubbish. Psychologists tell me that, while children suffer somewhat, they remember only the pleasant parts of childhood and hence idealize it later.

	Both are wrong as far as I am concerned. I had a hideous childhood, and the memory of it is as sharp and painful forty years later as it was then. If I want to spoil my appetite, I have only to reminisce about my dear, dead childhood.

	For one thing, I have always hated all kinds of roughhouse and horseplay, and childhood is full of them unless the child is a cripple or other shut-in. I have always had an acute sense of my own dignity and integrity, and any japery or ridicule fills me with murderous resentment. I have always hated practical jokes. When I'm asked "Can't you take a joke?" the truthful answer is no, at least not in that sense. I want to kill the joker, then and for years afterwards. Such humor as I have is expressed in arch, pedantic little witticisms which amuse my academic friends but which mean nothing to most people. I might have got on better in the era of duelling. Not that I should have made much of a duellist, but I believe men were more careful then how they insulted others who might challenge them.

	I set out in my second year at Rogers to try out Wilson's advice. Nobody will ever know what I went through, learning to curb my hot temper and proud, touchy spirit, and literally to turn the other cheek. All that year I sat on my inner self, a mass of boiling fury and hatred. When I was teased, mocked, ridiculed, poked, pinched, punched, hair-pulled, kicked, tripped, and so on, I pretended that nothing had happened, in the hope that the others would get tired of punching a limp bag.

	It didn't always work. Once I came close to killing a teaser by hitting him over the head with one of those long window openers with a bronze head on a wooden pole with which every classroom was equipped in the days before air-conditioned schools. Luckily I hit him with the wooden shaft and broke it, instead of with the bronze part.

	As the year passed and the next began, I made myself so colorless that sometimes a whole week went by without my being baited. Of course I heard the hated nickname "Sally" every day, but the boys often used it without malice from habit. I also endured incidents like this: Everybody, my father, the masters, and the one or two older boys who took pity on me had urged me to go in for athletics. Now, at Rogers one didn't have to join a team. One had compulsory drill and calisthenics, but beyond that things were voluntary. (It was, as I said, a loosely run school.)

	, So I determined to try. One afternoon in the spring of 1929 I wandered out to the athletic field, to find a group of my classmates getting up a game of baseball. I quietly joined them.

	The two self-appointed captains squared off to choose their teams. One of them looked at me incredulously and asked: "Hey, Sally, are you in on this?"

	"Yeah."

	They began choosing. There were fifteen boys there, counting the captains and me. They chose until there was one boy left: me. The boy whose turn it was to choose said to the other captain:

	"You can have him."

	"Naw, I don't want him. You take him."

	They argued while the subject of their mutual generosity squirmed and the boys already chosen grinned unsympathetically. Finally one captain said:

	"Suppose we let him bat for both sides. That way, the guys the side of he's on won't be any worse off than the other."

	"Okay. That suit you, Sally?"

	"No, thanks," I said. "I guess I don't feel good anyway." I turned away before visible tears disgraced a thirteen-year-old.

	Just after I started my third year, in the fall of 1929, the stockmarket fell flat. Soon my father found that his small private income had vanished as the companies in which he had invested, such as New York Central, stopped paying dividends. As a result, when I went home for Christmas, I learned that I could not go back to Rogers. Instead I should begin again with the February semester at the local high school.

-

	In New Haven my 'possum-tactics were put to a harder test. Many boys in my class had known me in former days and were delighted to take up where they had left off. For instance ...

	For decades, boys who found study hall dull have enlivened the proceedings with rubber bands and bits of paper folded into a V-shape for missiles. The trick is to keep your missile weapon palmed until the teacher is looking elsewhere, and then to bounce your wad off the neck of some fellow student in front of you. Perhaps this was tame compared to nowadays, when, I understand, the students shoot ball bearings and knock the teacher's teeth and eyes out, and carve him with switch-blade knives if he objects. All this happened before the followers of Dewey and Watson, with their lunacies about "permissive" training, had made classrooms into a semblance of the traditional cannibal feast with teacher playing the role of the edible missionary.

	Right behind me sat a small boy named Patrick Hanrahan: a wiry, red-haired young hellion with a South Boston accent. He used to hit me with paper wads from time to time. I paid no attention because I knew he could lick me with ease. I was a head taller than he, but though I had begun to shoot up I was as skinny, weak, and clumsy as ever. If anything I was clumsier, so that I could hardly get through a meal without knocking over a glass.

	One day I had been peppered With unusual persistence. My self-control slipped, as it would under a determined enough assault. I got out my own rubber band and paper missiles. I knew Hanrahan had shot at me before, but of course one never saw the boy who shot a given wad at you.

	When a particularly hard-driven one stung me behind the ear, I whipped around and let Hanrahan have one in the face. It struck just below his left eye, hard enough to make a red spot. He looked astonished, then furious, and whispered:

	"What you do that for?"

	"You shot me," I whispered back.

	"I did not! I'll git you for this! You meet me after class and I'll beat the — out of you!"

	"You did too —"I began, when the teacher barked: "Ormont!" I shut up.

	Perhaps Hanrahan really had not shot that last missile. One could argue that it was not more than his due for the earlier ones he had shot. But that is not how boys' minds work. They reason like the speaker of Voltaire's lines:

-

Cet animal est tres mechant; 
Quand on I'attaque, il se defend!

-

	I knew if I met Hanrahan on the way out I should get a fearful beating. When I saw him standing on the marble steps that led up from the floor of study hall to the main exit, I walked quietly out the rear door.

	I was on my way to the gym when I got a kick in the behind. There was Paddy Hacraltar, saying: "Come on. you yellow dog, fight!"

	"Hello there," I said with a sickly grin.

	He slapped my face.

	"Having fun?" I said.

	He kicked me in the leg.

	"Keep right on," I said. "I don't mind."

	He slapped and kicked me again, crying: "Yellow dog! Yellow dog!" I walked on toward the gymnasium as if nothing were happening, saying to myself: pay no attention, never criticize or complain, keep quiet, ignore it, pay no attention ... At last Paddy had to stop hitting and kicking me to go to his own next class.

	I felt as if I had been dipped in manure. Nothing would have given me more pleasure than the sight of the whole school burning up with all the pupils trapped inside, screaming as they were broiled.

	Next day I had a few bruises where Hanrahan had struck me — nothing serious. When he passed me he snarled: "Yellow dog!" but did not renew his assault. I have wasted much time in the forty years since then, imagining revenges on Paddy Hanrahan. Hanrahan coming into my office in rags and pleading for a job, and my having him thrown out ... All that nonsense. I never saw him again after I finished school in New Haven.

-

	There were a few more such incidents during that year and the following one. For instance at the first class meeting in the autumn of 1930, when the student officers of my class were elected for the semester, after several adolescents had been nominated for president, somebody piped up: "I nominate Wade Ormont!"

	The whole class burst into a roar of laughter. One of the teachers pounced on the nominator and hustled him out for disturbing an orderly session by making frivolous nominations. Not knowing how to decline a nomination, I could do nothing but stare stonily ahead as if I hadn't heard. I need not have worried; the teachers never even wrote my name on the blackboard with those of the other nominees, nor did they ask for seconds. They just ignored the whole thing, as if the nominator had named Julius Caesar.

	Then I graduated. As my marks put me in the top one percentile in scientific subjects and pretty high in the others, I got a scholarship at M.LT. Without it I don't think my father could have afforded to send me.

	When I entered M.I.T. I had developed my protective shell to a good degree of effectiveness, though not so perfectly as later: the automatic, insincere, glassy smile turned on as by a switch; the glad hand; the subdued, modest manner that never takes an initiative or advances an opinion unless it agrees with somebody's else. And I never, never showed emotion no matter what. How could I, when the one emotion inside me, overwhelming all others, was a blazing homicidal fury and hatred, stored up from all those years of torment? If I really let myself go I should kill somebody. The incident with the window opener had scared me. Much better never to show what you're thinking. As for feeling, it is better not to feel — to view the world with the detachment of a visitor at the zoo.

	M.I.T. was good to me: it gave me a sound scientific education without pulverizing my soul in a mortar every day. For one thing, many other undergraduates were of my own introverted type. For another, we were kept too busy grinding away at heavy schedules to have time or energy for horseplay. For another, athletics did not bulk large in our program, so my own physical inferiority did not show up so glaringly. I reached medium height — about five-eight — but remained thin, weak, and awkward. Except for a slight middle-aged bulge around the middle I am that way yet.

-

	For thousands of years, priests and philosophers have told us to love mankind without giving any sound reason for loving the creatures. The mass of them are a lot of cruel, treacherous, hairless apes. They hate us intellectuals, long-hairs, highbrows, eggheads, or double-domes, despite (or perhaps because) without us they would still be running naked in the wilderness and turning over flat stones for their meals. Love them? Hah!

	Oh, I admit I have known a few of my own kind who were friendly. But by the time I had learned to suppress all emotion to avoid baiting, I was no longer the sort of man to whom many feel friendly. A bright enough physicist, well-mannered and seemingly poised, but impersonal and aloof, hardly seeing my fellow men except as creatures whom I had to manipulate in order to live. I have heard my colleagues describe others of my type as a "dry stick" or "cold fish," so no doubt they say the same of me. But who made me that way? I might not have become a fascinating bon vivant even if I had not been bullied, but I should probably not have become such an extreme aberrant. I might even have been able to like individuals and to show normal emotions.

	The rest of my story is routine. I graduated from M.I.T. in 1936, took my Ph.D. from Chicago in 1939, got an instructorship at Chicago, and next year was scooped up by the Manhattan Engineer District. I spent the first part of the war at the Argonne Labs and the last part at Los Alamos. More by good luck than good management, I never came in contact with the Communists during the bright pink era of 1933-45. If I had, I might easily, with my underdog complex and my store of resentment, have been swept into their net. After the war I worked under Lawrence at Berkeley ...

	I've had a succession of such jobs. They think I'm a sound man, perhaps not a great creative genius like Fermi or Teller, but a bear for spotting errors and judging the likeliest line of research to follow. It's all part of the objective, judicious side of my nature that I have long cultivated. I haven't tried to get into administrative work, which you have to do to rise to the top in bureaucratic setups like this. I hate to deal with people as individuals. I could probably do it — I have forced myself to do many things — but what would be the purpose? I have no desire for power over my fellows. I make enough to live on comfortably, especially since my wife left me ...

	Oh, yes, my wife. I had got my Ph.D. before I had my first date. I dated girls occasionally for the next decade, but in my usual reserved, formal manner. I didn't even try to kiss them, let alone lay them. Why? Not religion. To me that's merely the sort of puerile superstition one would expect of a tribe of hairless apes. But I knew I should be awkward in making approaches, and perhaps be rebuffed or laughed at. The strongest drive in my life has been to put myself in a position where, and to mold my own personality so that, I shall not be laughed at.

	Why did I leave Berkeley to go to Columbia University, for instance? I had a hobby of noting down people's conversation in shorthand when they weren't noticing. I was collecting this conversation for a statistical analysis of speech: the frequency of sounds, of words, combinations of words, parts of speech, topics of conversation, and so on. It was a purely intellectual hobby with no gainful objective, though I might have written up my results for one of the learned periodicals. One day my secretary noticed what I was doing and asked me about it. In an incautious moment I explained. She looked at me blankly, then burst into laughter and said:

	"My goodness, Dr. Ormont, you are a nut!"

	She never knew how close she came to having her skull bashed in with the inkwell. For a few seconds I sat there, gripping my pad and pencil and pressing my lips together. Then I put the paper quietly away and returned to my physics. I never resumed the statistical study, and I hated that secretary. I hated her particularly because I had had my own doubts about my mental health and so could not bear to be called a nut even in fun. I closed my shell more tightly than ever.

	But I could not go on working next to that secretary. I could have framed her on some manufactured complaint, or just told the big boss I didn't like her and wanted another. But I refused to do this. I was the objective, impersonal man. I would never let an emotion make me unjust, and even asking to have her transferred would put a little black mark on her record. The only thing was for me to go away. So I got in touch with Columbia ...

	There I found a superior job with a superior secretary, Georgia Ehrenfels, so superior in fact that in 1958 we were married. I was already in my forties. She was twelve years younger and had been married and divorced once. God knows what she saw in me.

	I think it took her about six months to realize that she had made an even bigger mistake than the first time. I never realized it at all. My mind was on my physics, and a wife was a nice convenience but nobody to open up one's shell for. Later, when things began to go bad, I tried to open my shell and found that the hinges were stuck.

	My wife tried to make me over, but that is not easy with a middle-aged man even under the most favorable conditions. She pestered me to get a house in the country until I gave in. I had never owned a house and proved an inefficient householder. I hated the tinkering, gardening, and other minutiae of suburban life. Georgia did most of the work. It brought on a miscarriage the only time she ever got pregnant. I was sorry then, but what could I do? A few months later I came home from work to find her gone and a note beginning:

-

Dear Wade:

	It is no use. It is not your fault. You are as you are, as I should have realized at the beginning. Perhaps I am foolish not to appreciate your many virtues and to insist on that human warmth you do not have ...

-

	Well, she got her divorce and married another academic man. I don't know how they have got on, but the last I heard they were still married. Psychologists say people tend to repeat their marital mistakes rather than to learn from them. I resolved not to repeat mine by the simple expedient of having nothing more to do with women. So far I have kept to it.

	This breakup did disturb me for a time, more than Iron Man Ormont would care to admit. I drank heavily, which I had never done. I began to make mistakes in my work. Finally I went to a psychiatrist. They might be one-third quackery and one-third unprovable speculation, but to whom else could one turn?

	The psychiatrist was a nice little man, stout and square-built, with a subdued manner — a rather negative, colorless personality. I was surprised, for I had expected something with a pointed beard, Viennese gestures, and aggressive garrulity. Instead he quietly drew me out. After a few months he told me:

	"You're not the least psychotic, Wade. You do have what we call a schizoidal personality. Such people always have a hard time in personal relations. Now, you have found a solution for your problem in your pose of good-natured indifference. The trouble is that the pose has been practiced so long that it's become the real Dr. Ormont, and it has raised up its own difficulties. You practiced so long and so hard suppressing your emotions that now you can't let them go when you want to ..."

	There was more of the same, much of which I had already figured out for myself. That part was fine; no disagreement. But what to do about it? I learned that the chances of improvement by psychoanalytical or similar treatment go down rapidly after the age of thirty, and over forty it is so small as hardly to be worth bothering with. After a year of spending the psychiatrist's time and my money, we gave up.

	I had kept my house all this time. I had in fact adapted myself intelligently to living in a house, and I had accumulated such masses of scientific books, magazines, pamphlets, and other printed matter that I could no longer have got into an ordinary apartment I had a maid, old and ugly enough so that sex should not raise its head. Otherwise I spent my time, away from the office, alone in my house. I learned-to plant the lot with ground-cover that required no mowing and to hire a gardener a few times a year so as not to outrage the neighbors too much.

	Then I got a better job here. I sold my house on Long Island and bought another here, which I have run in the same style as the last one. I let the neighbors strictly alone. If they had done likewise I might have had an easier time deciding what to do with my discovery. As it is, many suburbanites seem to think that if a man lives alone and doesn't wish to be bothered, he must be some sort of ogre.

-

	If I write up the chain reaction, the news will probably get out. No amount of security regulations will stop people from talking about the impending end of the world. Once having done so, the knowledge will probably cause the blowing-up of the earth — not right away, but in a decade or two. I shall probably not live to see it, but it wouldn't displease me if it did go off in my lifetime. It would not deprive me of much.

	I'm fifty-three and look older. My doctor tells me I'm not in good shape. My heart is not good; my blood-pressure is too high; I sleep badly and have headaches. The doctor tells me to cut down on coffee, to stop this and stop that. But even if I do, he can't assure me a full decade more. There is nothing simple wrong with me that an operation would help; just a poor weak body further abused by too intensive mental work over most of my life.

	The thought of dying does not much affect me. I have never got much fun out of life, and such pleasures as there are have turned sour in recent years. I find myself getting more and more indifferent to everything but physics, and even that is becoming a bore.

	The one genuine emotion I have left is hatred. I hate mankind in general in a mild, moderate way. I hate the male half of mankind more intensely, and the class of boys most bitterly of all. I should love to see the severed heads of all the boys in the world stuck on spikes.

	Of course I am objective enough to know why I feel this way. But knowing the reason for the feeling doesn't change the feeling, at least not in a hardened old character like me.

	I also know that to wipe out all mankind would not be just. It would kill millions who have never harmed me, or for that matter harmed anybody else.

	But why in hell should I be just? When have these glabrous primates been just to me? The head-shrinker tried to tell me to let my emotions go, and then perhaps I could learn to be happy. Well, I have just one real emotion. If I let it go, that's the end of the world.

	On the other hand, I should destroy not only all the billions-of bullies and sadists, but the few victims like myself. I have sympathized with Negroes and other downtrodden people because I knew how they felt. If there were some way to save them while destroying the rest ... But my sympathy is probably wasted; most of the downtrodden would persecute others too if they had the power.

	I had thought about the matter for several days without a decision. Then came Mischief Night. This is the night before Hallowe'en, when the local kids raise hell. The following night they go out again to beg candy and cookies from the people whose windows they have soaped and whose garbage pails they have upset. If we were allowed to shoot a few of the little bastards, the rest might behave better.

	All the boys in my neighborhood hate me. I don't know why-. It's one of those things like a dog's sensing the dislike of another dog. Though I don't scream or snarl at them and chase them, they somehow know I hate them even when I have nothing to do with them.

	I was so buried in my problem that I forgot about Mischief Night, and as usual stopped in town for dinner at a restaurant before taking the train out to my suburb. When I got home, I found that in the hour of darkness before my arrival, the local boys had given my place the full treatment. The soaped windows and the scattered garbage and the toilet paper spread around were bad but endurable. However, they had also burgled my garage and gone over my little British two-seater. The tires were punctured, the upholstery slashed, and the wiring ripped out of the engine. There were other damages like uprooted shrubbery ...

	To make sure I knew what they thought, they had lettered a lot of shirt-cardboards and left them around, reading: old lady ormont is a nut! beware the mad scientist! psycopath (sic) ormont! ormont is a fairy!

	That decided me. There is one way I can be happy during my remaining years, and that is by the knowledge that all these bastards will get theirs some day. I hate them. I hate them. I hate everybody. I want to kill mankind. I'd kill them by slow torture if I could. If I can't, blowing up the earth will do. I shall write my report.

-

-

SUBURBAN SKETCHES

-

Gratitude

	The sound of three men in "loud discussion of planting plans drew the man from Venus. This was at Mrs. Hort's neighborhood party on a fine May week-end. The forsythia's golden rain had ended; the magnolias had littered the lawns with their petals. The azaleas blazed in orange and purple and the dogwoods in pink and white.

	Carl Vanderhoff, on his second bottle of beer and fourth hot-dog sandwich, said: "... I can't bother much with annuals this year. I shall have to do some surgery on that cracked Japanese maple ..." He was medium-sized and a little gray, and taught French Lit at Penn.

	Sydney Devore, the oldest of the three, lit his pipe and said: "... I've got three new kinds of cactus, and as soon as I get them unpotted ..." He led a retired life as a consulting engineer.

	Bill Converse, burly and ruddy, waved his fourth beer-bottle and said: "... if there's any screwy plant in the world, trust Sydney to plant it ..." He was a vice-president of the Keystone-Fidelity Insurance Company.

	Several of those at the party had objected to Devore's unconventional planting, such as his setting out assorted species of cactus. Vanderhoff had supposed that cactus would not thrive in the dank of a Philadelphian suburb. These, however, did as a result of Devore's care in keeping weeds and grass away from them and potting them through the winter.

	As Vanderhoff's own wife had said, Devore lived alone without a wife to keep him within the bounds of convention. But why couldn't he plant decent iris, phlox, and chrysanthemums like everybody else? The cactus made his lot stand out like a sore thumb ...

	Before Converse could say more about this eccentricity, Mrs. Hort's brother, the spaceman, sauntered over. His uniform, unless one looked closely, was like that of a chief petty officer of the United States Navy. Vanderhoff understood that Grant Oakley was in fact some sort of chief mechanic on the Goddard.

	Carl Vanderhoff braced himself to look interested in Venerian matters, though the flight of the Goddard had been so oversold and overpublicized. He had already seen, heard, and read so much about it, through the normal channels of information, that he was getting bored with it.

	"You fellas like to plant things?" said Grant Oakley with a noncommittal smile; a compact, competent-looking little man with bad teeth.

	"Wait till my roses, come out," boomed Converse. "I've got ..."

	"I'm trying out this new bug-killer, R-47," said Vanderhoff. "It's said really to lick the Japanese beetles ..."

	"Come over to my place after this breaks up," said Devore, "and I'll show you my South American ..."

	As they all spoke at once, Oakley stared with a vague smile until they ran down. Then he said:

	"How'd you like to plant something from Venus?"

	"Oh, boy!" said Devore. "If I only could ..."

	"Hm," said Vanderhoff. "Perhaps ..."

	"People would think I was nuts," said Converse. "I suppose a plant from Venus would come crawling into your house at night like some kind of octopus?"

	"No, nothing like that," said Oakley. "The plants of Venus are higher-developed than ours, but they don't run after you. What would it be worth to you to plant them?"

	Devore frowned. "You mean you have some?"

	Oakley smiled, dipped a hand into a coat pocket, and brought it out. He opened it just enough to show a small fistful of seeds ranging in size from that of an apple seed to that of a lima bean.

	"Now," he said, "supposing these was seeds from Venus — I'm not saying they are, understand — what would they be worth to you?"

	Vanderhoff said: "That would depend on what they grew up to."

	Devore said: "I thought the Department of Agriculture had a regulation —"

	"Who said anything about the Department of Agriculture?" said Oakley. "I haven't said these was from Venus. But supposing they was, what would you do about it?"

	Devore said: "Well, I suppose I ought — but to hell with that. I want some of those. But I couldn't pay you anything like the transportation cost."

	"The same for me," said Vanderhoff. "How about you, Bill?"

	Converse rubbed his chin. "We-ell — if you two take some, I guess I will too. But none of us are rich, Mr. Oakley."

	Oakley shrugged an eyebrow. "Neither am I. I brought these because I got to have some quick money. How would ten bucks a seed strike you?"

	Devore whistled. "Suppose you tell us what they are first."

	"You'll read all about it when the Department of Agriculture gets out a bulletin. But these little black fellas are the singing shrub. The medium-sized —"

	"What does the singing shrub do?" asked Vanderhoff.

	"It sings. The blue ones are the bulldog bush. You understand, these are just the names the fellas on the expedition called them. The scientists gave 'em Latin names, but you'll have to read those in the Department of Agriculture Bulletin."

	"How about the big red ones?" said Converse.

	"That's the tree-of-Eden. It has the best-tasting fruit in the world, and it seems to be harmless too. We ate lots of it. It seemed to make everybody happy and grateful. Some called it the stein plant on account of it grows a thing shaped like a pitcher or an old German beer stein."

	"What does the bulldog bush do?" said Devore.

	"It tries to bite, like one of those fly-catching plants on earth, only bigger. I wouldn't say to plant it if you got small babies. It might bite one hard enough to hurt."

	"How about growing up and biting our heads off?" said Converse.

	"No. It only grows so high, and the snappers about like so." Oakley described with his hands a biting organ about the size of a pair of human hands. "And it's not that strong. Now, how about it? Shall we have a little auction?"

	There ensued a long low argument. More beer was drunk and hot dogs eaten. The sun went down; the neighborhood's bat came out and flew in circles over Mrs. Hort's party.

	At last the three householders agreed each to pay Grant Oakley twenty-five dollars, for which Converse should get the three tree-of-Eden seeds, Vanderhoff all the bulldog-bush seeds, and Devore all the singing-shrub seeds. They had disputed whether each of them should try to raise specimens of all three species, but concluded that a single extra-terrestrial species apiece would be enough to handle. Vanderhoff would have preferred either the tree-of-Eden or the singing shrub, but his gardening friends put in their claims for these before he had a chance to and pressed them with such vigor that he gave way.

	"Bring 'em in before frost," said Oakley, "if they haven't grown too big, that is. These came from the polar regions of Venus. Those are the only parts of the planet that aren't so hot a man has to wear a protective suit. It's about like the equator on earth. So the plants won't stand cold."

	The seeds and money changed hands as Carl Vanderhoff's wife Penelope came up. Bill Converse saw her first and said: "Hello, gorgeous!" with the lupine expression he assumed in addressing his neighbors' wives.

	Penny Vanderhoff simpered at him and said to her husband: "Carl, we really have to go. That sitter said she'd only stay till seven ..."

	Vanderhoff slipped his seeds into his pocket and came.

	"What were you talking with Mr. Oakley about?" said Penny Vanderhoff. "Venus?"

	"He was telling us about the plants there," said Vanderhoff. He did not speak of his Venerian seeds because this would have started an argument. Penny would have scolded him for being eccentric, "just like that crazy Sydney Devore. I don't know what you see in that man ..."

	In moments of fantasy, Carl Vanderhoff liked to imagine himself an ancient Semitic patriarch, sitting in a tent with a towel over his head, combing his beard and ordering his wives, children, and goats around. In practice he never got near this envied state, as his wife and children could and often did outshout him in familial arguments. Although he was willing to coerce his children by force, Penny always stood up for them. And in these days of easy divorce there was no question of using force on one's wife.

	Penny was not so gorgeous as' Converse made her out with his leering compliments, being short and rather squarish of build, but still fairly pretty in a round-faced floral way.

-

	Next morning at breakfast, Vanderhoff put on his firmest face and said: "I shall plant some new things today. There will be wire guards around them, and anyone who steps on one gets the derrière beat off him. Je suis tout à fait sérieux."

	There was a chorus of affirmative grunts and vocables filtered through Corn Flakes. "And Dan," continued Vanderhoff, "you left your baseball equipment all over the floor again. Either you clean it up or there'll be no allowance ..."

	After breakfast, Vanderhoff went out to plant his seeds. The neighborhood was waking into its usual Sunday-morning racket. The roar of power mowers was joined by the screech of the power saw in Mr. Hort's basement and the chatter of Mr. Zanziger's electric hedge trimmer. Mr. O'Ryan, hammering something in his garage, furnished the percussion effect.

	Carl Vanderhoff walked about, wondering where to plant. If the bushes really bit, it would not do to plant them near the walks, as they might grab guests or men delivering things. He had had a qualm about accepting the seeds for fear they would endanger his children. But since his youngest, Peter, was four and active, he thought he was not running much risk, especially if he put up a guard heavy enough to keep plant and brat apart. Besides, if Peter did get nipped, it would teach him to obey orders in a way that Vanderhoff himself had never been able to do.

	He decided to plant the seeds outside his picture window, in place of a mass of old jonquils that had practically ceased to flower and that he had been thinking of throwing away. He put on his rubbers, got out shovel and garden cart, and went to work.

	When the jonquils were out of the way, he dug a hole for each of the six seeds, filled it with a mixture of mushroom soil and fertilizer, trod the earth hard, and finished off the surface with a slight bowl-shaped depression to catch the water. He watered the six places, stuck, a flat stake beside each site with a notation, and put cylindrical wire guards over the whole.

-

	Three weeks after Vanderhoff had planted his seeds, five little yellow shoots appeared. Vanderhoff did not know that the sixth had just germinated when a beetle grub, inching its sluggish way through the soft earth, had come upon it and devoured it.

	Vanderhoff diligently watered his plants. The clouds of Venus had turned out to be ordinary clouds of water-droplets, not of formaldehyde as had been feared, and the surface of the planet was quite as rainy as fictional speculators had portrayed it.

	At the next session at Sydney Devore's house, Vanderhoff asked Devore and Converse how their Venerian plants were coming. Devore, who not only lived alone but further fractured convention by never speaking about his past or personal affairs, had a habit of throwing small penny-ante poker parties for the men of the neighborhood.

	Vanderhoff was the most regular guest. As a thinking man he found Devore's company congenial. Converse was the next most regular, not because he was a thinking man but to get away from his wife. Not much poker was played, as they found more pleasure in drinking and talking.

	Converse answered: "Only one of my three seeds sprouted, but the thing's a foot high already. Take a look next time you go by my place, Professor." Converse always called Vanderhoff "Professor" with a kind of leer.

	"How about yours, Syd?" said Vanderhoff.

	"They all came up, but I can't tell what they'll look like. I planted them down both sides of my front walk."

	"You mean those little pink things we passed on the way in?"

	"Yes. I moved the cactus to make room for them."

-

	The azaleas went. The iris came and went. The peonies bloomed briefly and the tiger-lilies for a longer time. Vanderhoff's bulldog bushes grew with extra-terrestrial speed until one Saturday Penny said:

	"Carl, what on earth are those things? They look like a Venus's-flytrap, but they're such a funny color and so big."

	"Those are the plants I bought from Oakley."

	"Who? Oh, you mean Mrs. Hort's brother who went to Venus. Are those Venus plants, then?"

	"So he said. Tell the children not to poke their fingers at them or they'll get bitten."

	"Why, Carl! I won't have such dangerous plants on the place."

	"We're going to have these. Nobody'll get hurt if he does as he's told. I'm going to put heavier guards around them, and if they get out of hand I'll cut them down."

	"What's that?" said Penny, turning her head. There was a sound like song birds. "It's funny, but it always sounds as if a lot of birds were singing at Devore's place, even when you can't see any."

	"That must be his Venerian plants," said Vanderhoff.

	"Well, I should think you could at least have taken the singing plants and given him the biting ones. It would have been more appropriate, if you must have these weird things. Why don't you do like other people, instead of always trying to be smart and different? Last year when all the crowd bought Fords, you had to go buy a Chevrolet —"

	"If you start that again, I'll grow a beard and wear a beret. Then you'll have something to complain of."

	Penny went off in a huff, leaving Vanderhoff to work on his plants. He had long tried, with some success, to impress his family with the belief that, though a mild man in most respects, he was inflexible about his plants and terrible in his wrath if one was hurt.

	When he had finished gardening, Vanderhoff walked down the street to Devore's house, from which the birdsongs issued. He found Devore squatting before one of the little pink bushes that had grown from his Venerian seeds.

	At the apex of each shrub grew a brown convoluted structure something like a flower; beneath it the stem swelled out into a bladder-like bag. As he looked more closely, Vanderhoff saw that these structures were making the birdsongs. The bladders swelled and shrank while the "flowers" on top quivered and contracted.

	"What are you doing, Syd?" said Vanderhoff. "Teaching these to say 'good-morning.'"

	"They can be taught?"

	"Within limits. They're imitative, which is why they've been copying the local birds."

	"How do you train them?"

	Devore held up a can of X-53-D, the latest super-fertilizer. "They love this, and I give 'em a spoonful when they say something right. An article in the Botanical Gazette says they use these songs the way our flowers use color and perfumes, to attract Venerian flying things for pollenization." Devore addressed the plant. "Good-morning, Mr. Devore!"

	"G'morning, Mis' Dwore!"

	"Good plant!" said Devore. He sprinkled a spoonful of X-53-D around the base of the bush and wetted it down with his watering-can. "Reward of merit."

	"I suppose you'd call that speaking with a Venerian accent," said Vanderhoff. "I must make a phonetic transcription of it some time. How do they know you from anybody else?"

	Devore shrugged. "Sound or smell, I suppose. They don't seem to have any eyes. Are your bushes biting yet?"

	"They try to. Each pair of jaws has a sort of antenna sticking up above it, like a radar antenna. That seems to be how they sight on their prey."

	"Can they draw blood?"

	"I don't know. One got my finger the other day; quite a pinch, though it didn't break the skin."

	"What do you feed them?" said Devore.

	"They seem to like tuna fish best. Steak and ham they find indigestible."

	"Hi, Professor!" came the loud voice of Bill Converse. "Hello, Syd. How's your crab grass this morning?"

	"It's beginning to show up as usual," said Devore. "How's your bouncing betty?" For Converse, despite his noise about his expert gardening, had never extirpated all the soapwort or bouncing betty with which his flower beds had been overrun when he bought his house.

	"You needn't kid me," said Converse. "After all, bouncing betty does have a flower."

	"Yeah," said Devore. "That miserable weed. You're just lazy." He lowered his voice. "How's the tree-of-Eden doing?"

	Converse rolled his eyes. "It's as tall as I am. C'mon over and look at it."

	Presently they did. The tree-of-Eden, over six feet high, was a plant of curious shape. A stubby trunk, about three feet tall and four or five inches thick, ended abruptly in an organ that hung down in front of the trunk and, spraying up and out behind it, a fan of slender stems of finger-thickness, each bearing a double row of small orange leaves. Vanderhoff had a fleeting impression of a sort of vegetable peacock with its tail spread.

	The organ front had a pitcher shape, rather like that of an earthly pitcher plant only larger, complete with lid. This vessel was now as big as a bucket. The lid was grown fast to the top of the vessel so it could not be raised.

	"The funniest thing," said Converse in the same low voice, "is not only how fast it grows, but that it has such hard wood. Normally you expect anything that grows that fast to be soft and squashy."

	He bent down one of the stems for the others to feel. It did seem to be made of strong hard wood. Vanderhoff said:

	"Maybe these little berries are going to be that wonderful fruit Oakley told us about."

	"Uh-huh," said Converse. "At this rate they ought to be ready to eat by September."

	Devore said: "Let me suggest that you fence the tree off, or the kids will have eaten all the fruits before we old dodderers get a chance at them."

	"Good idea, pal," said Converse. "Tell you what! When they're ripe I'll throw a neighborhood party, and we'll all eat them."

-

	William Converse did fence off his tree, which continued to grow like Jack's beanstalk. The neighborhood's beds of phlox came out in crimson and white. Vanderhoff's bulldog bushes grew larger and more voracious. Penny Vanderhoff got a gashed finger feeding one and had a row with her husband about getting rid of them.

	Curiously, neither the bulldog bushes nor the tree-of-Eden aroused comment. Vanderhoff's picture window was at right angles to the street, and the bushes, planted beneath this window, could not be seen from the street. Vanderhoff had threatened his children with dire penalties if they told outsiders about his marvelous plants, and apparently they had obeyed him.

	The tree-of-Eden was in plain sight. But, while its strange shape caused many to ask Converse about it, they accepted his casual word that "Oh, that's just a South African stein plant."

	Sydney Devore, however, could not be overlooked. First his singing shrubs twittered in imitation of the birds they heard. One, in fact, took to hooting like a screech owl, except that the plant hooted all day instead of at night like a proper owl.

	Then Devore taught them to greet him with "Good-morning, Mr. Devore" as he came down his walk. When his neighbors asked him what was happening, he made jocular or enigmatic remarks, saying that he had wired the plants for sound. The plants' behavior, however, was so egregious that the explanations were not believed. As the plants grew, their tonal range and intelligibility increased.

	Devore then taught them a more elaborate repertory. First he hopped up the morning greeting from a mere "Good-morning, Mr. Devore!" to such phrases as "O King, live forever!" and "All hail, your imperial highness!"

	When their greetings were as magniloquent as the most egotistical paranoid could desire, he started teaching them to sing Clementine. He had trouble getting them to sing in unison, but persevered. Evening after evening the neighborhood gathered to see Devore striding up and down his walk, tapping a little Indian drum and exhorting his plants.

	"Just wait," said Penny Vanderhoff to her husband. "Any day now a swarm of F.B.I, men and newspaper reporters will come down on us. They'll take you three to jail, and the reporters will write stories that'll cost you your job."

	But that was the summer that so much else happened — the near-war between India and China over Nepal, the death of President Tringstad in an airplane crash, and the return of the Bergerac from Mars — that the newspapers had their attention elsewhere. At any rate, the mums and gladioli were out and nothing had yet happened when Bill Converse, after tasting a fruit of his tree-of-Eden, pronounced it ripe and invited the neighborhood to a Saturday evening party to eat the whole crop.

	This was the week-end after Labor Day. On this week-end the International Council of Language Teachers' Associations, operating under the auspices of UNESCO, met in New York City. Carl Vanderhoff went to New York as a delegate, intending to return Sunday evening.

	It also happened that Bill Converse read in Popular Gardening an article about Venerian plants in general and the tree-of-Eden in particular. Enough of these plants had now been grown by the Northern Regional Research Laboratory of the Department of Agriculture at Peoria, Illinois, to allow some conclusions about them. Converse, who glanced more and more through his own windows towards the Vanderhoffs' house, said nothing about this, not even to his gardening friends Devore and Vanderhoff.

-

	The day of the Converse party, Penelope Vanderhoff telephoned Mrs. Converse, saying: "Mary? I'm so sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon."

	"Oh," said Mary Converse, "isn't that too bad?"

	"My sitter has stood me up, and Carl's away, so I have to stay home," Penny explained. '

	"Aren't they old enough to be left?"

	"Well, Dan is eight and Eleanor six, but if you leave them alone they fight, scream, chase each other, break windows, upset furniture, and make a shambles of the place. I can't imagine why — I've always let them do as they pleased, like it says in the book — but that's how it is. So I'll have to pass it up ..."

	The conversation then became interminably feminine. When Mary Converse told her husband, he said: "Oh. Too bad. I'll take her some of the fruit."

	"It'll be all right if that's all you do over there," said Mary Converse.

	"Damn it!" shouted Converse. "I don't see why I put up with your groundless suspicions ..."

	The refreshments at the Converse party consisted of martinis and tree-of-Eden fruits. The guests picked the fruits directly from the tree, from which Converse had removed the fence. The fruits looked like plums, but proved to be without pits. They gave out a delicious, enticing smell that had the guests drooling by the time they received their portions. The taste caused gasps, cries, closed eyes, and other stigmata of ecstasy.

	The tree now towered twelve feet tall, while the pitcher-like organ in front was as large as a laundry hamper. The lid of the organ had come loose from the rest, except for a hingelike connection in the back. The edges of the lid curled up a little, so one could look down into the empty body of the pitcher.

	The spray of slender stems bore hundreds of fruits. Any lesser number would have been quickly consumed. The guests hardly bothered with their cocktails in their rush to gorge themselves on Venerian fruits. When the lower branches of the fan had been stripped, Bill Converse, his face red from martinis, lugged a step-ladder from his garage and climbed it to hand down more fruit.

	Converse did not eat any himself. When a lull in the demand allowed him, he took a small paper bag from his pocket, unfolded it, and dropped a dozen of the fruits into it. Then he quietly came down from the ladder and walked away from the party towards the Vanderhoff house.

	There he rang the doorbell. Penelope came. Converse said: "Here's some fruit, Penny."

	"Oh, thank you," she said. "Won't you come in?"

	"Sure. Maybe you'd like to put those on a plate and eat 'em now."

	Penelope got out a plate, dumped the fruits out on it, and ate one. "My, these are delicious. I never tasted anything like them. Won't you have one?"

	"Thanks," said Converse, "but I've had all I can hold."

-

	Back at the Converse party, guests stuffed with fruit were sitting and standing about lethargically, wiping the juice of the fruits off their hands and sipping martinis. The only fruits yet uneaten were a few on the highest parts of the tree, which could not be reached by the stepladder.

	Two men walked slowly up the walk, peering about. One was lean and hatchet-faced; the other short and stout with thick-lensed glasses. While all the male guests were in sport shirts, the newcomers wore coats. The shorter one said:

	"There's the house, and that's one of the plants."

	The two drifted quietly up to the crowd around the tree-of-

	Eden. The taller asked Mr. Zanziger: "Excuse me, but which is Mr. Converse?"

	Zanziger answered: "Bill isn't here just now. He went over to the Vanderhoff house."

	"Are Mr. Vanderhoff or Mr. Devore here?"

	"Mr. Vanderhoff isn't, but I think Mr. Devore — yeah, that's him." Zanziger pointed to the square-jawed gray-haired figure with the pipe. Mary Converse said:

	"I'm Mrs. Converse. What can I do for you?"

	The hatchet-faced man said: "I have here a warrant for your husband's arrest. Also for Mr. Vanderhoff and Mr. Devore. Here are my credentials ..."

	The man produced the badge of a United States deputy marshal, and added: "My name is Jacobson, and this is H. Breckenridge Bing of the Department of Agriculture. Where —"

	Devore stepped up, saying: "Did somebody say I was wanted?"

	"I'm sorry to say you are," said Jacobson, producing more papers from his inside coat pocket. "Here's the warrant for your arrest on the charge of buying articles whose importation is forbidden by the Plant Import Control Act of 1963, as amended 1989. Now if —"

	"Why, I don't know what you're talking about," said Devore with an exaggerated expression of innocent astonishment.

	"Ahem," said the short stout man. "He means that Amphorius tentatius" (Bing indicated the tree-of-Eden) "as well as several specimens of Faucifrons mordax and Cantodumus mimicus. Our investigations show —"

	Devore broke in. "Are you the H. Breckenridge Bing who wrote in the Botanical Gazette on the reclassification of the Pteridophyta in the light of recent paleobotanical evidence?"

	"Why — uh — yes."

	Devore shook the man's hand. "That was a swell piece, but I never thought I'd be arrested by the author."

	"Well — er — I assure you I would have preferred not to be a party to your arrest, but they sent me along to identify the contraband plants."

	Jacobson said: "If you'll show me where Mr. Converse and Mr. Vanderhoff are, I'll run you down to the Federal Building in my car, and you'll be out on bail in a few minutes."

	"What will they do to Mr. Converse and the others?" asked Mary Converse.

	"Probably just a fine," said Jacobson.

	"Oh," said Mary Converse in a disappointed tone.

	The deputy marshal continued: "It partly depends on whether they're co-operative witnesses in the prosecution of Grant Oakley, who sold them the seeds. He's the one we'll really throw the book at. He's under arrest now."

	"My brother in jail!" cried Mrs. Hort, but nobody heeded her.

	Devore asked: "I suppose the Department of Agriculture will send a truck around to gather up our Venerian plants?"

	Bing's mild eyes blinked behind their spectacles. "That's right. It's bad enough to bring in an exotic plant from some place on earth when its properties aren't fully known, and a hundred times more risky to bring in one from another planet. You never know what might happen. It — uh — might spread all over, like the prickly-pear cactus in Australia. Or it might have a disease that would get loose and wipe out the wheat crop."

	"Oh," said Devore. "I hadn't thought of that."

	"Come on, Breck," said Jacobson. "Show me the Vanderhoff house."

	A guest named Dietz, who had had several martinis too many, muttered: "Don't worry, you beautiful plant, we won't let these guys take you away from us."

	H. Breckenridge Bing did not seem to hear. He continued: "Now this Amphorius, for instance, has a strange property. I suppose you know that the biochemistry of the higher Venerian organisms turned out to be almost the same as that of terrestrial vertebrates?"

	Devore nodded vigorously; the other hearers in more tentative fashion.

	"Well, you remember that in the 1970's, Petchnikov isolated gratisone, the gratitude hormone, which is secreted by the pineal gland. It occurs in such minute amounts that it had been overlooked, but it controls animal behavior somewhat as prolactin stimulates mother-love. It's one of the things that makes community and family life possible. Now, the fruit of Amphorius contains significant amounts of gratisone, or a substance almost identical with it. The result is that anybody who eats an Amphorius fruit is soon seized by an irresistible desire to please the thing or person from whom the fruit was received. If you eat it off the tree, you want to please the tree."

	"Hey, Breck!" said Jacobson, tugging at Bing's sleeve. But H. Breckenridge Bing was no man to relinquish an audience for anything less than a convulsion of nature. He continued:

	"Now, Amphorius is a carnivorous plant, like Faucifrons, but instead of snatching its prey, it persuades the prey to feed itself to the plant. Small vertebrates who eat the fruit climb into the amphora" (Bing indicated the stein-like structure) "and are digested. The highest form of Venerian life, the yellow gibbon-like Sauropithecus xanthoderma, is too intelligent to thrust itself into the amphora. Instead, the tribe seizes the weakest member as a sacrifice to the plant and thrusts him into the vessel.

	"If on the other hand you receive the fruit from another person, you —"

	"My gosh!" cried Mary Converse. "That no-good husband of mine took a bag of the things over to Penny Vanderhoff! Three guesses what he's up to!"

	Dietz, the drunken guest, said: "And that's what we ought to do to Mr. Bing and Mr. Jacobson here. Nothing's too good for our tree, not even a federal dick."

	Bing gave a forced smile. "I don't think human beings would go to the extremes of the Venerian lizard-monkey —"

	"Oh, wouldn't we?" said another guest. "Tear up our plant and take it away, forsooth!"

	"Now look here —"said Jacobson.

	"Into the jug with them!" yelled a guest, and the cry was taken up. The circle began to close in on the federal men, who backed towards the street. Deputy Marshal Jacobson drew a pistol from under his armpit, saying: "You're all under ar —"

	Standing on his right was young John S. Moseley, expected to be Perm's star halfback during the coming football season. Moseley let fly a kick that sent the pistol thirty feet into the air, to fall among Converse's pachysandra. The guests closed in, clutching. There was a crash of glass from the Vanderhoff house, but nobody heeded that.

-

	Carl Vanderhoff returned home Saturday evening instead of Sunday as he had planned. He delivered his paper Saturday morning; he saw everybody he really wanted to see by the end of Saturday's lunch; he discovered that the meetings and papers scheduled for Sunday were of little interest; finally, Professor Junius White of the University of Virginia offered him a lift home if he would leave Saturday afternoon. The thought of saving both train fare and a night's hotel bill, and of getting home in time for the tail-end of the Converse party, decided Vanderhoff to leave early.

	He walked the half-block from where he was dropped by White, who had declined an invitation to stop. He marched up to his front door, went in, and dropped the brief case containing his notes, pajamas, and other equipment for the conference. He almost tripped over young Daniel's lightweight baseball bat, clucked with annoyance, leaned the bat against the corner, and made a mental note to fine Daniel.

	Then he filled his lungs to shout: "Hello, family!" But he closed his mouth and let his breath out as muffled sounds of human activity came from the living room.

	Frowning, Vanderhoff took three steps to the threshold of the living room. On the sofa his wife sat in hot embrace with his neighbor Converse.

	Converse looked up at the sound of Vanderhoff s entrance. Vanderhoff stared blankly. Then the habits of a lifetime started to curl his lips into a cordial smile of greeting, while at the same time a rising fury distorted this automatic smile into something else — an expression at which Converse looked with visible horror.

	Vanderhoff took a step forward. Converse, though he outweighed the professor of French Literature by twenty pounds, tore himself loose from Penelope, looked furtively around, and dove through the picture window. Crash!

	There was a scrambling in the shrubbery outside. At the same instant, from the other direction came the cries and footfalls of a crowd pursuing something along the street.

	Vanderhoff did not notice. His attention was drawn by a loud cry from beyond the window, followed by the yell: "Ow! Help! It's got me!"

	Vanderhoff hurried to the window. Converse had fallen among the bulldog bushes, which had instantly seized him. Two of the jaws had grips on each of his legs, or at least on the trousers that clothed them, while a fifth held a fold of his sport-shirt.

	Converse, on hands and knees, had crawled as far out of the clump as he could and was trying to get farther, while the other jaws of the bushes lunged and snapped at him like the heads of snakes. He had knocked over a couple of the wire guards that Vanderhoff had set up in front of the bushes. His right hand had blood on it, apparently from a cut sustained when he broke the window. Fragments of glass, reflecting the golden sunset, gleamed on the ground among the bushes.

	Vanderhoff stood with pursed lips, contemplating various kinds of assault. He did not want to kill Converse, just half kill him, so he dismissed the notion of using a carving knife. If he merely used his fists, Converse would grab him and probably give him a worse beating than he inflicted. Then he remembered Dan's bat. He strode into the hall, picked up the bat, went out the back door, and came around to where Converse sprawled in the grip of the bushes.

	"Hey!" cried Converse. "Don't do that, Carl! Let's be civilized about this! I didn't mean any harm! I was just —"

	The sound of a blunt instrument on a human skull ended his explanation. For most of a minute Vanderhoff stood spraddle-legged, swinging the bat with both hands like Roland wielding Durandal against the paynim. Converse yelped and moaned, but could not crawl back among the bushes lest worse befall him. After the bat had broken his nose he covered his face and head as best he could with his arms and let the blows land where they might

	As Vanderhoff stepped back to catch his breath, sounds from the street attracted his attention. He stepped around the corner of his house and saw a strange procession winding towards the Converse home.

	First came Sydney Devore beating his Indian drum. Then came four neighbors, each holding one limb of a short fat man who struggled.

	Then came the other neighbors, male and female, doing a kind of snake dance. As the line passed Devore's place, his singing-shrubs burst into:

-

"Oh, my darling, oh, my darling, oh, my daaaarling Clementine!
You are lost and gone forever, 
Dreadful sorry, Clementine!"

-

	Vanderhoff found these sights and sounds so strange that, forgoing further revenge for the nonce, he followed the procession with the bat on his shoulder.

	The marchers danced up to the Converse house. One guest raised the lid of the pitcher of the tree-of-Eden, while the four who held the little man prepared to thrust him in. Vanderhoff caught up with the head of the procession and asked Devore:

	"Hey, Sydney, what's going on? Are you all crazy?"

	"No-o, we're just going to reward the tree for its lovely fruit."

	"You mean they're going to sacrifice this man — who is he, anyway?"

	Devore explained about H. Breckenridge Bing. "The other one got away. He could run faster."

	"But what'll happen to this one?"

	Devore shrugged. "He'll be digested, I suppose. Serves him right. It should stimulate the tree no end."

	"You're insane," said Vanderhoff, and pushed his way through the crowd to the tree.

	The four stalwarts had finally inserted Bing into the amphora, despite his struggles and the tightness of the fit. Muffled cries came from inside. Bing's fingers could be seen curled over the edge of the pitcher as he tried to force his way out, but the plant now held down the lid by its own mechanisms. The amphora remained closed, though it bulged this way and that as Bing kicked and butted.

	"Get away!" said Vanderhoff, shoving the Converses' guests aside and grasping the edge of the lid.

	"Hey, you can't do that!" said Dietz, seizing Vanderhoff's arm. "Leave our plant alone or we'll feed you to it too!"

	Vanderhoff instantly hit Dietz over the head with his bat. As Dietz staggered back holding his head, several other guests rushed at Vanderhoff. The latter waded in with the bat, cracking arms, heads, and knuckles with such verve that in an instant the attackers fell back, leaving the football-playing Moseley unconscious on the lawn.

	Vanderhoff then returned to the tree-of-Eden, keeping an eye cocked for another rush. When heaving on the lid had no effect, he struck the amphora with his bat. This induced a yell of anguish from inside, but did not loosen the plant's hold.

	Vanderhoff got out his pocketknife and attacked the hinge of the stein lid. He drew it across the grain again and again in the same cut. After he had sawed half an inch into the structure he found he had weakened the hinge enough so that he could raise the lid.

	Bing climbed out. His glasses were gone and his scanty hair was awry. His skin was covered with red spots and his clothes were stained by the tree's digestive juices. He peered nearsightedly at Vanderhoff and said: "Did you get me out? Thanks. As for the rest of you ..."

	Mary Converse shook her head and said: "I don't know what could have got into us, Mr. Bing. I'd never do such a dreadful thing."

	"Gratisone got into you, that's what," said Bing. "Now you see why we can't let just anybody plant extra-terrestrial plants."

	The others, too, seemed to be coming out of their madness. Mr. Hort said: "You must let us pay to have your suit cleaned."

	Dietz said: "We'd better buy him a new suit. The plant's digestive juices will eat that one full of holes."

	"And his glasses —"said somebody else.

	It was finally agreed that Mr. O'Ryan should act as banker for the neighborhood and assess them whatever was needed to repay the damages sustained by Bing. Just as this agreement was reached, one of the township's patrol cars drew up. Out got Deputy Marshal Jacobson and the two local policemen, the latter with pistols drawn. Jacobson growled:

	"You're all under arrest for forcibly intimidating a United States officer!"

	"They couldn't help it, Jake," said Bing. "It was the fruit. I'm not going to press any complaints."

	"Why not?" said Jacobson.

	"Well, Mr. Devore said he liked my article. I didn't know anybody had even read it."

-

	Carl Vanderhoff returned home late that evening, after he and Devore had departed in Jacobson's official car and Converse, released from the bush, in an ambulance. He told his wife:

	"They let me sign my own bond. It seems I'm something of a hero for rescuing that little botanist, so I shall be let off easily. And BUI never said a word about me, but let them think it was the bushes that beat him into a pulp. He'd better! And now what have you to say?"

	"I — I don't know how to explain — I must have gone out of my head — I never loved anybody but you —"

	"That's all right," said Vanderhoff, and told her about gratisone. "Now that's over, send those kids in here. Dan is going to be penalized for leaving his bat on the floor, and the whole outfit will be run on orderly lines from now on. No back-talk from anybody, either."

	"Yes, dear," said Penelope.

	"And, if I feel like growing a beard tomorrow, I'll grow one!"

	Vanderhoff's picture of himself as an ancient Semitic patriarch, sitting in his tent and ordering his wives, children, and goats around, might not last. The family would probably wear him back down to his normal mild self. But he meant to enjoy his authority while he possessed it.

-

A Thing of Custom

	Rajendra Jaipal, liaison officer of the Terran Delegation to the Associated Planets, said fluently but with a strong Hindustani accent: "Parson to parson, please ... I wish to speak to Milan Reid, at 726-0711, Parthia, Pennsylvania ... That is right."

	While he waited, Jaipal looked at the telephone as if it were a noxious vine that had invaded his garden. An unreconstructed antimechanist, he regarded most features of the Western world with a dour, gloomy, and suspicious air.

	"Here's your party," said the telephone.

	Jaipal said: "Hello, Milan? This is R. J. How are you? ... Oh, no warse than usual. Millions of calls to make and letters to write and hands to shake. Ugh! Now, listen. The railroad has given us two special sleepers and a baggage car through from New Haven to Philadelphia. We shall put the delegates aboard Priday evening, and a train will pick these cars up and drop them off at Thirtieth Street at seven-thirty Saturday morning. Have you got that? Seven-thirty a.m., daylight saving. Write it down, please. You will have your people there to pick them up. The baggage car will contain the Forellians, as they are too large for a sleeper. You will have a truck at the station for them. How are things doing at your end?"

	A plaintive voice said: "Mrs. Kress got sick, so as vice-

	 chairman of the Hospitality Committee I have to — to do all the work, rush around and check up and pump hands. I wish I'd known what I was getting into."

	"If you think you have something to complain about, you should have my job. Have you got that letter with the list of delegates?"

	"Yes ... Um ... Right here."

	"Well, cross off the Moorians and the Koslovians, but add one more Oshidan."

	"What's his name?"

	"Zla-bzam Ksan-rdup."

	"How do you spell it?" Jaipal spelled. "Got it?"

	"Uh-huh. You — you'll stay with us, of course?"

	"Sorree, but I can't come."

	"Oh, dear! Louise and I were counting on it."

	The voice was pained. Jaipal had met the Reids a year before when a similar week-end visit had been arranged with families of Ardmore. Jaipal and Reid were drawn together at once by a common dislike of the rest of the world.

	"So was I," said Jaipal, "but a ship from Sirius is due Saturday. Now, there is one couple I want you to assign to yourself."

	"Who?"

	"The Osmanians."

	There was a rustle of paper as Reid consulted his list. "Mr. and Mrs. Sterga?"

	"Yes, or Sterga and Thvi. No children."

	"What are they like?"

	"Something like octopi, or perhaps centipedes."

	"Hm. They don't sound pretty. Do they talk?"

	"Better than we do. They have a — what do you call it? — a knickknack for languages."

	"Why do you want me to take them?"

	"Because," explained Jaipal, "their planet has natural transuranic elements in quantity, and we are negotiating a mining lease. It's veree delicate, and it wouldn't do for the Stergas to pfall into the wrong hands. Like — who was that uncouth buffoon I met at the Kresses'?"	»

	"Charlie Ziegler?"

	"That's the one." Jaipal snorted at the memory of Ziegler's tying a napkin around his head and putting on a burlesque swami act. As Jaipal had no sense of humor, the other guests' roars at Ziegler's antics rubbed salt in the wound. He continued:

	"Those people would not do for hosts at all. I know you are tactful, not one of these stupid ethnocentrics who would act horrified or superior. Now, have you got the diet lists?"

	Mumble, mumble. "Yes, here's the list of those who can eat any human food, and those who can eat some human food, and those who can't eat any."

	"The special pfood for the last group will be sent along on the train. Be sure it's delivered to the right houses."

	"I'll have a couple of trucks at the station. You be sure each crate is clearly marked. But say, how — how about these Osmanians? I mean, what are they like aside from their looks?"

	"Oh, quite jolly and convivial. High-spirited. They eat anything. You won't have any trouble." Jaipal could have told more about the Osmanians but forebore for fear of scaring Reid off. "Now, be sure not to send the Chavantians to anybody with a phobia about snakes. Remember that the Stein-ians eat in seclusion and consider any mention of food obscene. Be sure the Forellians go where there's an empty barn or garage to sleep in ..."

-

	"Louise!" called Milan Reid. "That was R. J. Can you help me with the lists now?"

	Reid was a slight man who combined a weakness for aggressively stylish clothes with a shy, preoccupied, nervous, hurried air. He was an engineer for the Hunter Bioresonator Corporation. He was a natural choice to manage the visiting extra-terrestrials, being one who found foreigners easier to deal with than his own countrymen.

	His wife entered, a slender woman of much his own type. They got to work on the list of delegates to the Associated Planets who were going to visit Parthia, and the lists of local families who would act as hosts.

	This was the third year of giving A. P. personnel an informal week-end in Terran homes. These three visits had all been to American homes because the A. P headquarters was in New Haven.

	The success of the project, however, had made other nations demand that they, too, be allowed to show what nice people they were. Hence Athens, Greece, was the tentative choice for next year.

	Milan Reid said: "... the Robertsonians have no sense of time, so we'd better give them to the Hobarts. They haven't any either."

	"Then none of them will arrive for anything," said Louise Reid.

	"So what? How about the Mendezians? Jaipal's note says they can't bear to be touched."

	"Rajendra can't either, though he tries to be polite about it. Some Hindu tabu."

	"Uh-huh. Let's see, aren't the Goldthorpes fanatics on sanitation?"

	"Just the people! They wouldn't want to touch the Mendezians either. Their children have to wash their hands every time they handle money, and Beatrice Goldthorpe puts on rubber gloves to read a book from the public library for fear of germs."

	"How about the Oshidans?" he asked.

	"What are they like, darling?"

	"R. J. says they're the most formal race in the Galaxy, with the most elaborate etiquette. As he puts it here, 'they are what you call puffed shirts, only they don't wear shirts.' "

	"I didn't know Rajendra could make that much of a joke," said Louise Reid. "How about Dr. McClintock? He's another puffed shirt."

	"Darling, you're wonderful. The Reverend John R. McClintock shall have them."

	"How about the Zieglers? Connie Ziegler called to remind us they'd applied well in advance."

	Reid scowled. "I'm going to juggle this list to put the Zieglers too far down to get any e.t.'s."

	"Please don't do that, sweetheart. I know you don't like them, but living next door we have to get along."

	"But R. J. said he didn't want the Zieglers as hosts!"

	"Oh, dear! If they ever find out we cheated them out of their guests ..."

	"Can't be helped. R. J.'s right, too. They're — they're typical ethnocentrics. I've squirmed in embarrassment while Charlie told bad jokes about wops and kikes and niggers, feeling I ought to stop him but not knowing how. Can't you just see Charlie calling some sensitive extra-terrestial a bug in that loud Chicago bray of his?"

	"But they did go out of their way to get on the list ..."

	"It's not that they like e.t.'s; they just can't bear to be left out."

	"Oh, well, if we must ... Who's next?" she asked.

	"That's all, unless R. J. calls up again. Now, what shall we do with Sterga and Thvi?"

	"I suppose we can put them in George's room. What do they enjoy?"

	"It says here they like parties, sight-seeing, and swimming."

	"We can take them to the pool."

	"Sure. And since they're arriving early, we could drive 'em home for breakfast and then out to Gettysburg for a picnic."

-

	During the next few days, Parthia was convulsed by preparations for the exotic visitors. Merchants filled their windows with interplanetary exhibits: art work from Robertsonia, a stuffed fhe:gb from Schlemmeria, a photomontage of scenes on Flahertia.

	At the Lower Siddim High School, performers at the forthcoming celebration rehearsed on the stage while volunteers readied the basement for the strawberry festival. Mrs. Carmichael, chairman of the Steering Committee, swept about supervising:

	"... Where's that wretched man who was going to fix the public-address system? ... No, the color guard mustn't carry rifles. We're trying to show these creatures how peaceful we are ..."

-

	The Quaker rolled into Thirtieth Street. The hosts from Parthia clustered about the three rearmost cars at the north end of the platform. While the trainmen uncoupled these cars, the doors opened and out came a couple of earthmen. After them came the extra-terrestrials.

	Milan Reid strode forward to greet the taller earthman. "I'm Reid."

	"How d'you do? I'm Grove-Sparrow and this is Ming. We're from the Secretariat. Are your people ready?"

	"Here they are."

	"Hm." Grove-Sparrow looked at the milling mass of hosts, mostly suburban housewives.

	At that instant, the Chavantians slithered off the train. Mrs. Ross gave a thin scream and fainted. Mr. Nagle caught her in time to keep her from cracking her skull on the concrete.

	"Pay no attention," said Reid, wishing that Mrs. Ross had fallen on the tracks and been run over. "Which of our guests is which?"

	"Those are the Oshidans, the ones with faces like camels."

	"Dr. McClintock!" called Reid. "Here's your party."

	"You take it, Ming," said Grove-Sparrow.

	Ming began a long-winded formal introduction, during which the Oshidans and the Reverend McClintock kept up a series of low bows as if they were worked by strings.

	Grove-Sparrow indicated three large things getting off the baggage car. They were something like walruses and something like caterpillars, but two were as big as small elephants. The third was smaller. "The Forellians."

	"Mrs. Meyer!" shouted Reid. "Is the truck ready?"

	"The Robertsonians." Grove-Sparrow referred to four badger-like creatures with respirators on their long noses.

	Reid raised his voice: "Hobart! No, their hosts aren't here yet."

	"Let them sit on their kit; they won't mind," said Grove-Sparrow. "Here come the Osmanians."

	"They — uh — they're mine," said Reid, his voice rising to a squeak of dismay. A group of gawkers had collected farther south on the platform to stare at the extra-terrestrials. None came close.

	The Osmanians (so called because their planet was discovered by a Dr. Mahmud Osman) were built something on the lines of sawhorses. Instead of four legs, they had twelve rubbery tentacles, six in a row on each side, on which they scuttled briskly along. They were much alike fore and aft, but one could tell their front end by the two large froglike eyes on top and the mouth-opening between the foremost pair of tentacles.

	"You are our host?" said the leading Osmanian in a blabbery voice. "Ah, such a pleasure, good dear Mr. Reid!"

	The Osmanian flung itself upon Reid, rearing up on its six after tentacles to enfold him in its six forward ones. It pressed a damp kiss on his cheek. Before he could free himself from this gruesome embrace, the second Osmanian swarmed up on him and kissed his other cheek. As the creatures weighed over two hundred pounds apiece, Reid staggered and sank to the concrete, enveloped in tentacles.

	The Osmanians released their host. Grove-Sparrow helped Reid to his feet, saying in a low voice:

	"Don't look so bloody horrified, old boy. They're only trying to be friendly."

	"I forget," blubbered the larger Osmanian. "Your method of greeting here is to shake the anterior limb, is it not?" It extended a tentacle.

	Reid gingerly put out a hand. The Osmanian caught the hand with three tentacles and pumped Reid's arm so vigorously that he was nearly jerked off his feet.

	"Let's dance!" cried the Osmanian, slithering around in a circle and swinging Reid opposite him. "Guk-guk-guk!" This last was a horrid coughing, cackling sound that served the Osmanians for laughter.

	"No, no, Sterga!" said Grove-Sparrow. "Let him go! He has to sort out the delegations."

	"Oh, all right," said Sterga. "Maybe somebody would like to wrestle. You, madam?" The Osmanian addressed Mrs. Meyer, who was fat and of mature years.

	"No, please," said Mrs. Meyer, paling and dodging behind Grove-Sparrow. "I — I have to see to the Forellians."

	"Quiet down, you two," said Grove-Sparrow. "You'll get exercise later."

	"I hope so," said Sterga. "Perhaps Mr. Reid will wrestle with us at his home, guk-guk. It is the main sport of Nöhp."

	Nöhp was the name of Osmania in Sterga's language. The Osmanian spoke to his mate in this tongue while Reid frantically paired off guests and hosts. The rest of the Quaker rumbled off.

	When each set of guests had been sent off with its host, and the Forellians had crawled up on to their truck-trailer, the four little Robertsonians were left sitting on the platform. There was still no sign of the Hobarts. The employees of the railroad wheeled crates out of the baggage car, marked food for forellians, food for STEINIANS, and so forth. Reid said to Grove-Sparrow:

	"Look, I — I've got to find my truck drivers and give them these addresses. Will you keep an eye on the Osmanians and Robertsonians till I get back?"

	"Righto."

	Reid dashed off, followed by two porters pushing a hand truck piled with crates. When he returned, the Robertsonians were still sitting in a disconsolate circle. There was no sign of Grove-Sparrow, Ming, the Hobarts, or the Osmanians. There was broken glass on the concrete, a smear of liquid, and an alcoholic smell.

	As he stared about wildly, Reid felt a tug at his trouser leg. A Robertsonian said:

	"Please, is dere any sign of our host?"

	"No, but he'll be along. What's happened to the others?"

	"Oh, dat. Dey were lying on de platform, waiting, when an Earthman came along, walking dis way and dat as if he were sick. He saw Mr. Ming and said somet'ing about dirty foreigners. Mr. Ming pretended he didn't hear, and de man said he could lick anybody in de place. I suppose he meant dat custom you call kissing, dough he didn't look as if he loved anybody."

	"What happened?"

	"Oh, de Osmanians got up, and Sterga said: 'Dis nice fellow wants to wrestle. Come on, Thvi.'

	"He started for de man, who saw him for de first time. De man took a bottle out of his pocket and trew it at Sterga, saying: 'Go back to hell where you belong!' De bottle broke. De man ran. Sterga and Thvi ran after him, calling to him to stop and wrestle. Mr. Grove-Sparrow and Mr. Ming ran after. Dat's all. Now please, can you find de people who are going to take us?"

	Reid sighed. " 'Til have to find the others first. Wait here ..."

	He met the missing members of the expedition returning to the platform. "The drunk is on his way to the police station," said Grove-Sparrow. "Still no sign of your Hobarts?"

	"Not yet, but that's not unusual."

	"Why don't you take the Robertsonians to the Hobart place?"

	"We'd probably pass the Hobarts on their way here. Tell you, though; I'll 'phone to see if they've left."

	The Hobart telephone answered. Clara Hobart said: "Oh,

	Milan! We were just ready to go. I'm sorry we're late, but you know how it is."

	Reid, resisting an impulse to grind his teeth, did indeed know how it was with the Hobarts. They had a way of arriving at parties just as everybody else was leaving. "Stay where you are, and I'll deliver your guests in about an hour."

	He went back and bid good-bye to Grove-Sparrow and Ming, who were returning to New Haven. Then he herded his two groups of extra-terrestrials up the ramps to his car.

	To a man who hated to be made conspicuous, the drive to Parthia left much to be desired. The Robertsonians curled up in one large furry ball on the front seat and slept, but the Osmanians bounced around in back, excited and garrulous, pointing with their tentacles and sticking them out the windows to wave at passers-by. Most people had read about extra-terrestrials and seen them on television enough not to be unduly surprised, but an octopoid tentacle thrust in the window of your car while you are waiting for a light can still be startling.

	After the Osmanians had almost caused a collision, Reid ordered them sternly to keep their tentacles inside the car. He envied Nagle and Kress, who had flown their guests home from the roof of the Post Office Building in their private helicopters.

-

	West of the Susquehanna, the Piedmont Expressway turns south towards Westminster, to swoop past Baltimore and Washington. Milan Reid turned off and continued west. In response to his pleas, the Osmanians had been fairly quiet.

	Near York he found himself stuck behind an Amishman's buggy, which the heavy eastbound traffic kept him from passing.

	"What is that?" asked Thvi. "A buggy," said Louise Reid.

	"Which, the thing with the wheels or the animal pulling it?"

	"The things with the wheels. The animal is called a horse."

	"Isn't that a primitive form of transportation here?" said Sterga.

	"Yes," said Louise. "The man uses it because of his religion."

	"Is that why he wears that round black hat?"

	"Yes."

	"I want that hat," said Sterga. "I think I should look pretty in it, guk-guk-guk."

	Reid glanced around. "If you want a Terran hat you'll have to buy one. That hat belongs to the man."

	"I still want it. If Terra is going to get this mining-lease, it can afford me that one little hat."

	The eastbound traffic ceased for the moment. Reid passed the buggy. As the automobile came abreast, Sterga thrust his front end out the quadrant window. A tentacle whisked the black hat from the head of the Amishman.

	The sectarian's broad, ruddy, chin-whiskered face turned towards the car. His blue eyes popped with horror. He gave a hoarse scream, leaped from the buggy, vaulted a split-rail fence, and ran off across a field.

	As the car drew ahead of the buggy, the horse had a view of Sterga too. The horse shrieked and ran off in the other direction, the buggy bouncing wildly behind it.

	Reid braked to a stop. "Damn it!" he yelled.

	In the back seat, Sterga was trying to balance the Amish-man's hat on his head, if he could be said to have a head. Reid snatched the hat. "What kind of trouble are you trying to make?"

	"No trouble; just a little joke," bubbled Sterga.

	Reid snorted and got out. The Amishman had disappeared. His horse was in sight across a plowed field, eating grass. It was still attached to the buggy. Reid crossed the road, holding the hat, and started across the field. His feet sank into the soft earth, and the soil entered his shoes. The horse heard him coming, looked around, and trotted off.

	After several tries, Reid plodded back to his automobile, hung the hat on a fence post, shook the dirt out of his shoes, and drove off. Fuming, he promised Rajendra Daipal some hard words.

	The Osmanians were subdued for a while. At Gettysburg they went into the exhibition building. From the gallery they looked down upon a relief map of the Gettysburg region covered with colored electric lights. A phonograph record gave an account of the battle while a young man worked a set of keys that lit the lights to show the positions of the Federal and Confederate troops at various times:

	"Now, at the beginning of the second day, Longstreet spent the morning ranging his artillery around the salient where the Third Corps occupied the peach orchard." (Lights blinked on.) "At noon the Confederates began a bombardment, and McLaws' Division advanced ..."

	There was a stir among the spectators as the Osmanians wormed their way into the front row and hung their tentacles over the rail. The young man working the lights lost track of his keys and sat gaping while the recording ground on. Then he tried to catch up, became confused, and for a time had Meade's Federals in full retreat.

	Reid led his guests outside. They climbed the observation tower, from which they saw the Round Tops and the Eisenhower Memorial rising from the farm which that President had owned. When Reid and his wife started down, Sterga blubbered something at Thvi. The next thing, the Osmanians were scrambling down the outside of the steelwork.

	"Come back! You'll be killed!" yelled Reid.

	"No danger," called back Sterga. "This is more fun."

	The Reids clattered down the stairs. Reid expected to hear the plop of an Osmanian striking the concrete. He got to the bottom just ahead of the Osmanians, who slid from girder to girder with the greatest ease.

	Milan Reid sat down on the bottom step and pressed his fists against his head. Then he said in a hollow voice: "Let's eat lunch."

-

	At the Rose Hill Swimming Pool, Wallace Richards, the lifeguard, was showing off his dives. He was a young man of vast thews and vaster vanity. Girls sat around the pool watching, while other young men, all looking either skinny or potbellied by contrast, gloomed in the background.

	The Forellians had swum in the morning but now had gone away. While they were there, there had been no room for anybody else in the pool. Now there were no extra-terrestrials until Milan and Louise Reid came out in bathing suits, followed by Sterga and Thvi. Reid spread a blanket and prepared to settle down to a sunbath.

	The Osmanians aroused the usual stir. Wallace Richards never noticed. He stood tautly, tapering from shoulders to ankles like an inverted isosceles triangle, while he gathered Ms forces for a triple flip.

	Thvi slipped into the pool and shot across it with a swirl of tentacles. Richards bounded off the board, clasped his knees, turned over three times, and straightened out. He came down on top of Thvi.

	Sterga shouted in his own language, but too late. Then he too entered the water. The watchers cried out.

	The surface of the pool was beaten by thrashing limbs and tentacles. Richards' head appeared, shouting:

	"Damn it, give me back my trunks!"

	The Osmanians whipped across the pool and shot out. Thvi waved Richards' trunks (little more than a G-string) in one tentacle and called: "You will jump on top of me, will you?"

	"I didn't do it on purpose!" screamed Richards. The audience began to laugh.

	"Knocked all the breath out of me, guk-guk-guk," bubbled Thvi, trying to work a couple of her tentacles through the leg-holes.

	Sterga scrambled up the ladder to the high-diving board. "Earthman!" he called down. "How did you do that jump?"

	"Give me back my trunks!"

	"Like this?" Sterga leaped off the board.

	However, instead of diving, he spread all twelve tentacles and came down on Richards like a pouncing spider. Richards ducked before the apparition descended on him and began to swim away. But his speed in the water was as nought compared to the Osmanian's. Sterga caught him and began tickling him.

	Reid said to Thvi: "For God's sake, make that mate of yours let the man go! He'll drown him."

	"Oh, all right. You Earthmen never want any fun." Thvi swam over to where the pair were struggling.

	A limp Richards was hauled out and laid on the concrete. Somebody pumped his lungs for ten minutes until he came around and sat up, coughing and gasping. When he pulled himself together he glared about and wheezed: "Where are those God-damned octopussies? I'll ..."

	Reid and his charges had left.

-

	For cocktails, the Reids had an older couple in: Professor and Mrs. Hamilton Beach, of Bryn Mawr College. Beach, a sociologist, wanted to talk about such serious matters as interspecies relations, but Sterga and Thvi had other ideas. They swallowed their cocktails so fast that Reid could do little but mix new ones. They made horrible noises which, they explained, were an Osmanian song.

	Reid worried lest they get drunk and become even more obstreperous, but Sterga reassured him: "These are nothing to what we drink on N6hp. There anything less than four-fifths alcohol is a — how would you say it — a light-wines-and-beer."

	The Reids eased the Beaches out at seven so as to have time to eat and get to the strawberry festival. Reid went back into the living room to find Sterga and Thvi drinking alternately out of the shaker. Sterga said:

	"Mr. Reid, I understand you people have the same reproductive methods we have."

	"Uh — well — that depends on your method," said Reid, appalled by the turn of the conversation.

	"You do reproduce bisexually, don't you? The male carries ..."

	"Yes, yes, yes."

	"Why haven't you and Mrs. Reid done so?" Reid bit his lip. "We have. Our son is away at camp, as a counsellor."

	"Ah, that is fine. Then you can comply with the custom of the Hliht."

	"What custom?"

	"We always trade mates with our guests. It is inhospitable not to."

	"What?"

	Sterga repeated.	v

	Reid goggled. "You — you're not serious?"

	"Certainly. It will be —"

	. "But that's physically impossible, even if our customs allowed it."

	"No, we are not so different as you might think. I have investigated the matter. Anyway, we can have a lot of fun experimenting, guk-guk."

	"Out of the question!" snapped Reid. "Our customs forbid it."

	"You Earthmen want that mining lease, don't you? Well then?"

	"Excuse me," said Reid, and went into the kitchen. There Louise was helping the temporary maid to put the final touches on the dinner. He drew her aside and explained the latest demand of their guests.

	Louise Reid goggled in her turn. She opened the door to get a glimpse of Sterga in the living room. Sterga caught her eye and winked. This was an unnerving spectacle, as the Osmanians blinked their eyes by withdrawing them into their heads and popping them up again.

	She turned away and pressed her hands over her face. "What shall we do?"

	"Well, I — I can tell you one thing. I'm going to get rid of these so-called guests. If I ever catch R. J ..."

	"But what about the mining concession?" ' "To hell with the mining concession. I don't care if it causes an interplanetary war; I won't put up with these rubber jokers any longer. I hate the sight of them."

	"But how? You can't just push them out the front door to wander the streets!"

	"Let me think." Reid glanced out the window to make sure the Zieglers' lights were on. "I know; we'll give them to the Zieglers! It'll serve both of them right."

	"Oh, darling, do you think we ought? After all ..."

	"I don't care if we ought or not. First, you'll get a wire that your mother is sick and you have to pack and leave for Washington tonight ... Start serving; I'll set the wheels in motion."

	Reid went to the telephone and called his friend Joe Farris. "Joe?" he said in a low voice. "Will you ring me back in fifteen minutes? Then don't pay any attention to what I say; it's to get me out of a jam."

	Fifteen minutes later, the telephone rang. Reid answered it and pretended to repeat a telegraphic message. Then he came into the dining room and said sadly:

	"Bad news, sweetheart. Your mother is sick again, and you'll have to go to Washington tonight." He turned to Sterga. "I'm sorry, but Mrs. Reid has to leave."

	"Oh!" said Thvi. "We were so looking forward —"

	"Now, I can't be properly hospitable by myself," continued Reid. "But I'll find you another host."

	"But you are such a fine host —"protested Sterga.

	"Thanks, I really can't. Everything will be all right, though. Finish your dinner while I make the arrangements. Then we'll go to the festival together."

	He slipped out and walked to the Zieglers' house next door. Charles Ziegler, wiping his mouth, answered the bell. He was stout and balding, with thick, hairy forearms. He wrung Reid's hand in a crushing grip and bellowed: "Hey there, Milan old boy! Whatcha doing these days? We ought to get together more often, hey? Come on in."

	Reid forced a smile. "Well, Charlie, it's like this. I — I!m in a predicament, but with a little help from you we can fix it up to please everybody. You wanted A. P. guests on this visit, didn't you?"

	Ziegler shrugged. "Connie felt she had to get into the act, and I guess I could have put up with a houseful of lizard-men to please her. Why, whatcha got in mind?"

	Reid told of his mother-in-law's illness as if it were real. "So I thought you could come to the celebration and pick up my Osmanians ..."

	Ziegler slapped Reid on the back. "Sure, Milan old boy, I'll take care of your double-ended squids. I'll fill 'em full of G-bombs." This was a lethal gin drink of Ziegler's own concoction. "Hey, Connie!"

-

	At the strawberry festival, people and extra-terrestrials stood in a line that wound past a counter. There they were served strawberry ice cream, cake, and coffee, cafeteria-style. Strips of colored paper festooned the ceiling; plantetary flags draped the walls.

	Some guests, either because they could not eat Terran food or because they were not built for standing in line with trays, made other arrangements. The Forellians occupied one whole corner of the basement while their hosts fed them special provender with shovels.

	The extra-terrestrials were identified by tags pinned to the clothes of those species who wore them, or hung around their necks otherwise. As the Osmanians had neither clothes nor necks, the tags were fastened to straps tied around their middles, with the tags uppermost like the brass plates on dog-collars.

	Reid found himself opposite a Chavantian, coiled up on a chair. The Chavantian reared up the front yard of its body and daintily manipulated its food with the four appendages that grew from the sides of its neck.

	"I," squeaked the Chavantian, "am fascinated by the works of your Shakespeare. Such insight! Such feeling! I taught Ter-ran literature, you know, before I entered the diplomatic service."

	"So?" said Reid. "I used to teach, too."

	Reid had become a high-school mathematics teacher under the mistaken belief that teaching was an occupation for timid, ineffectual people who feared to face the world. He soon learned that it called for brawn and brutality far beyond anything demanded by the business world. "Have you been well treated so far?"

	"Oh, we are sometimes made aware of our unfortunate resemblance to an order of Terran life towards whom most of you do not feel very friendly." (Reid knew the Chavantian meant snakes.) "But we make allowances."

	"How about the other guests?" Reid craned his neck to see who was present. The Hobarts and their Robertsonians had not arrived.

	"All fine. The Steinians are of course not here, as this would be a revolting spectacle to them. 'Just a thing of custom: 'tis no other; only it spoils the pleasure of the time.' "

	The Reids and their guests finished eating and went up to the auditorium, which was already half full. The young of several species had rubber balloons, each balloon straining gently upward on its string. They made so thick a cloud that those in the rear found their view of the stage obscured.	,

	The program opened with a concert by the high-school band. Then the local Boy Scout troop presented colors. The Reverend McClintock officially welcomed the guests and introduced them, one by one. As they were introduced, those who could, stood up and were applauded.

	Then followed songs by a local choral society; dances by a square-dancing club; more songs; American Indian dances by a cub scout pack; awards of prizes to Associated Planets essay-contest winners ...

	The trouble with amateur shows of this sort is not that the acts are bad. Sometimes they are quite good. The real difficulty is that each performer wants to give his all. This means he wants to put on all the pieces in his repertory. As a result, each act is twice as long as it should be. And, because the contributors are unpaid volunteers, the manager can't insist on drastic cuts. If he does, they get hurt and pull out altogether.

	The show was still grinding on at ten-thirty. Balloons, escaped from their owners, swayed gently against the ceiling. The young Forellian snored like a distant thunderstorm at the back of the hall. The young of several other species, including Homo sapiens, got out of hand and had to be taken away. The Osmanians fidgeted on seats never designed for their kind and twiddled their tentacles.

	Milan Reid ostentatiously looked at his watch and whispered to Sterga: "I have to take my wife to the train. Goodnight. Good-night, Thvi."

	He shook their tentacles, led Louise out, and drove off. He did not, however, drive to the railroad station or the airport. He did not think that the situation called for Louise's actually going to Washington. Instead, he left her at the apartment of one of her girl-friends in Merion. Then he went home.

	First he went up to the Zieglers' front door. He put out his thumb to ring, to make sure his plans had gone through. Then he drew back. From within came screams of laughter: Connie's shrill peals, Charlie's belly-roars, and the Osmanians' hideous cackle.

	His guests had obviously made contact with their new hosts. There was no need for him to go in. If he did, Charlie would insist on his joining the party, and he loathed raucous parties.

	Reid went to his own house and got ready for bed. Though not much of a late-evening drinker, he mixed himself a strong rye-and-soda, turned on the radio to a good-music station, lit his pipe, and relaxed. From next door, outbursts of crazy laughter rose up from time to time, with odd thumping sounds and once the crash of breaking glass. Reid smiled quietly.

	The telephone rang. Reid frowned and lifted the handset.

	"New Haven calling," said the operator. Then came the nasal tones of Rajendra Jaipal: "Hello, Milan? This is R. J. I didn't know if you would be home yet from the celebration. How are your guests?"

	"I got rid of them," said Reid.

	"You what?"

	"Got rid of them. Gave them away. I couldn't stand them."

	"Where are they now?" Jaipal's voice rose tautly.

	"Next door, at the Zieglers'. They seem —"

	"Oh, you did not!"

	"Damn right I did. They seem to be having a high old time."

	"Ai, Ram Ram! I thought I could trust you! You have upset interplanetary relations for centuries! My God, why did you do that? And why the Zieglers, of all people?"

	"Because the Zieglers were handy, and because these squids are a pair of spoiled brats; impulsive, irresponsible children, with no manners, no morals, no sense, no nothing. If —"

	"That does not matter. You have your dutee to humanity."

	"My duty doesn't include trading wives with a space-octopus —"

	"Oh, you could have found a way around that —"

	"And why — why didn't you warn me of their cute little ways? My day has been pure hell."

	Jaipal's voice rose to a scream. "You selpish, perpidious materialist —"

	"Oh, go jump in the lake! You're the perfidious one, palming these interstellar zanies off on me. I suppose you neglected to tell me what I was getting into for fear I'd back out, huh? Well, didn't you? Didn't you?"

	The telephone was silent. Then Jaipal said in a lower voice: "My dear pfriend, I admit that I too am a sinful, imparfect mortal. Please forgive my hasty remarks. But now let us see if we can repair the damage. This is most serious. The economic future of our planet depends on this mining lease. I shall ply down at once."

	"It won't do you any good to get here before seven. I'm going to bed, and I won't even answer the doorbell till then."

	"Then I shall be on your doorstep at seven. Good-bye."

-

	When Reid looked out next morning, there was Rajendra Jaipal in a gray-flannel suit sitting on his doorstep. As the door opened, Jaipal's gaunt, somber figure arose.

	"Well, are you readee to show me the wreckage of mankind's hopes?" he said.

	Reid looked across at the Zieglers' house, where all was silent. "I think they're still asleep. Uh — have you had breakfast?"

	"No, but —"

	"Then come in and have some."

	They ate in gloomy silence. Since awakening, Reid had begun to worry. In morning's cold light, his bold stroke of last night no longer seemed so dashing. In fact it might prove a colossal blunder.

	Of course, one couldn't submit one's wife to an extra-terrestrial's amatory experiments. (Or could one, for the sake of one's planet?) In any case, he could surely have gotten around that. He could have sent Louise away but himself put up with the Osmanians for a few more hours.

	It was after nine of a bright sunshiny day when Reid and Jaipal approached the Ziegler house. Reid rang.

	After a wait, the door opened. There stood Charles Ziegler, wearing a pair of purple-and-white checkered shorts. For an instant he glowered through bloodshot eyes. Then he grinned.

	"Hel-lo there!" he cried. "Come on in!"

	Reid introduced Jaipal and went in. The living room was a shambles. Here lay an overthrown floor lamp; there a card table with a broken leg teetered drunkenly. Cards and poker chips bespangled the floor.

	From the kitchen came sound of breakfast-making. Sterga slithered in, balancing an ice bag on his head with two tentacles, and said:

	"Such a night! My dear Mr. Reid, how can I thank you enough for finding such a congenial host? I did not think any being in the Galaxy could drink me down, guk-guk!"

	Reid looked questioningly at Ziegler, who said: "Yeah, we sure hung one on."

	"It meant we could not carry out the experiment as I hoped," said Sterga, "but that is all right. Next year, even if the rest go to Athens, Thvi and I will come here to the Zieglers'." The Osmanian reared up and clutched Ziegler's neck, while Ziegler patted the rubbery hide. "We love them. He is a good wrestler, too. And don't worry about your mining lease, R. J. There will be no difficulty."

	Reid and Jaipal excused themselves. Outside, they looked at each other. Each made the same gesture, raising his shoulders while spreading his hands with the palms up. Then they saluted each other with a wave of the hand, while their faces expressed despairing incomprehension. Reid turned back to his house, and Jaipal walked swiftly away.

-

The Egg

	Gnoth, the Yerethian consul, looked at his watch and said: "Damn it, if she does not get here soon, we shall miss the start of the feature."

	Triw kept on painting her horns. "What difference does it make? We can always stay around to where we came in."

	"You know I hate seeing a movie cut up that way," snorted Gnoth, scratching his scales. "It is like a statue with the head broken off and put under the feet. It is still all there, but the effect is not the same." The Yerethian glanced at the incubator. "You do not suppose we could — ah — go out and leave the door unlocked?"

	"Before Pat gets here?" cried Triw. "Gnoth, are you out of your mind? You know what Terran thieves are like, and to leave our egg untended so close to hatching-time ..."

	"Speaking of which, are you sure of the date?"

	"Of course."

	"It would not do to have it hatch when the Earthgirl was alone with it."

	"No, I figured it all out," said Triw, buffing the diamond set in her left lower tusk. "Allowing for this silly decimal system and everything. Today is September twelfth, and it will hatch on the sixteenth. There is Pat now!"

	Gnoth threw open the big front door of the modified barn that served as his consular residence. Patrice Ober stood on the threshold with a book in her hand.

	"Come in!" said Gnoth, switching to English and holding down his bellow so as not to frighten the girl. Patrice stepped on to the polished floor.

	If you had asked Gnoth to describe Patrice, he would have said she looked like other Terrans, a little skinny waist-high thing with a pale soft skin, rudimentary jaws, no tail, and no scales, plates, knobs, spikes, horns, tusks, or other splendid ornaments. Moreover, Terrans had five digits per limb, so they based their number-system on ten instead of the more logical eight. If you had pressed him further, he would have said that, while to him all Terrans looked much alike, Patrice was deemed attractive by her fellow-beings and that her eyes were green and the filaments on top of her head were dark.

	"So nice to see you, my dear!" said Triw in a good imitation of a Terran hostess. "Let me show you around."

	She put out a four-clawed hand. Patrice, after a slight pause, took it.

	"First, here is our pride and joy," said Triw, raising the lid of the incubator. Patrice looked at the egg. 

	"It will hatch in four days," said Triw. 

	"A baby Yerethian must be pretty big," said Patrice. 

	"Bigger than you, my dear."

	"Would it be dangerous?"

	"What, my baby dangerous?"

	"I mean, to one of us." Gnoth broke in: "It could be."

	"What's it like?"

	"It's a carnivore with complete instincts but no intelligence. That is why we keep them in cages. After three years they begin to lose their instincts and become teachable. But do not worry. It will not hatch."

	"What if he — it — was premature?" asked Patrice.

	"There is no chance. But if it should happen, you must call the theater to have us sent home."

	"What theater are you going to?"

	"The Forest Drive-in. We always go to drive-ins because they are the only ones that have space for us."

	"What are you seeing?"

	Gnoth said: "Sands of Yereth. This is business as well as pleasure."

	"How do you mean?"

	"Our government likes us to see all movies having to do with Yerethians, to make sure your movie makers are not making hostile propaganda against us."

	"Why would they do that?"

	"Oh, they must have villains, and, unless we watch out, Hollywood will show all people from other planets to be scoundrels."

	"A villain has to belong to some race."

	"We do not mind an occasional Yerethian villain if they show some good Yerethians too."

	"Oh," said Patrice.

	"This is the powder room," said Triw. "It is for our Terran guests, so everything is the right size for you. Do stop fidgeting, Gnoth! There is plenty of time."

	Looking around, Patrice said: "I'd think it would be a bother, having everything in two sizes." There was a Yerethian-sized sofa in front of the entertainer and, a few yards away, a sofa of half that size for human beings.

	"Our government pays for it," said Triw. "Here is the kitchen. This small fridge has Terran food, so you can get yourself a snack."

	"How will you get to the theater?"

	"William the gardener will drive our limousine," said Triw. "It is really a big truck fixed up."

	"Does anybody else work for you?"

	"Last week Xat, our maid, got sick and went back to Yereth. We have applied to the Embassy for another servant of our own kind, but it may take years. So now we must hire baby-sitters. I see you brought a book."

	Patrice held up a library copy of Jane Eyre. "It's our first homework assignment for senior English."

	"Come on!" rumbled Gnoth in his own tongue. "We can just make the first feature."

	The Yerethians went. Patrice strolled about. There was a bookcase full of Terran books and another, with twice the space between the shelves, for Yerethian books. She laid down her own book and pulled out one of the big Yerethian volumes. The writing consisted of wiggly lines that ran from top to bottom of each page, about twenty lines to a page.

	She put back the book and took up her wandering again.

	At the incubator she gingerly raised the lid for another peek at the egg. It was as big as a trunk.

	A faint noise came from the egg. She thought she saw it shake, as if something were moving about inside it. She put out a hand, then jerked it back as a loud bump came from the thing. She glanced towards the door.

	The egg quieted down. Patrice shrugged. She was not a worrying type. The Yerethians would surely know when their own eggs hatched. She crossed over to the smaller sofa, sat down, and dug into Jane Eyre.

-

	The telephone rang in Patrice Ober's home. Mrs. Ober answered: "Hello?"

	"Mrs. Ober? This is Terry. Pat there?"

	"No. She's baby-sitting."

	"Where?"

	"She — she went to the Yerethians' barn."

	"Oh. Well, thanks. G'bye."

	"Good-bye, Terry."

	As Mrs. Ober hung up, her husband said: "Hey! Was that Terry Blaine?"

	"Sure it was."

	"Then why the devil did you tell him where Pat was?"

	"Why not? He asked me."

	Mr. Ober threw down his newspaper. "You know why not. He'll jump on his buzzer and fly over. They'll be alone in that house for hours, and he'll have his mind on one thing."

	"Don't you trust your own daughter?"

	"As far as I trust any girl when a handsome nogood like that puts the pressure on her."

	"He is not a nogood."

	"He is. You just can't see it because his looks and his line have turned your head."

	"Well, if you must know, I was worried about her being alone in a house full of dinosaurs. She ought to have another human being to keep an eye on her. Terry won't eat her."

	"Gnoth wouldn't eat her, and furthermore he wouldn't do what Terence Blaine will do it he gets a chance. You know that wild crowd he goes around with ..."

-

	In Gnoth's house, Patrice Ober found Jane Eyre absorbing in spite of its leisureliness and the archaism of its language.

	After an hour's reading, however, her attention flagged. Her mind wandered to her own affairs, which consisted mainly of boys. She was not at the moment going steady, as several boys were striving for that relationship and Pat had not made up her mind which to take.

	Terry Blaine was in the lead, being the biggest and most aggressive and a football hero besides. The trouble with Terry was that he made no bones about wanting what she thought most boys wanted. She supposed that if she did go steady with him she would sooner or later have to give in, even though you could get in trouble that way if you weren't careful. The masterful Terry seemed to expect it, and Patrice was an obliging girl who hated to turn people down. She had held out so far out of affection for her parents, but you couldn't expect old people in their forties to know how young people felt.

	As for Andy Dupas, the runner-up ... Andy was a queer duck who kept his thoughts to himself. He wasn't so big and good-looking as Terry, but in some ways he was nicer. He was punctual and responsible and kept his word. He did not proposition her on every date. In fact, he never had. Patrice hoped that didn't mean Andy was somehow abnormal.

	Where Terry got his way by muscle and push, Andy got his by looking something up in a book or working out a formula in his head. When he had first dated her, for instance, he hadn't known how to dance. A month later he had suddenly turned into one of the best dancers in the school.

	"Just figured it out," was all he would say.

	Some of Pat's friends thought Andy a bore, but she did not share their prejudice against brains. However, Andy had already graduated from the High and was going away next week to M.I.T. on a scholarship. So he would be out of the running.

	As for Henry and Leroy, they were far back in the race, though it would be nice to keep in touch with them in case she and Terry ever broke up ...

	The bell rang. Patrice went to the door.

	"Who is it?" She wasn't going to let just anybody in.

	"It's me," said Terence Blaine's voice.

	Patrice opened the door, which had a trick latch that required the use of both hands at once. There he stood, six feet of blond male animal. Behind him, on the Yerethians' lawn, stood his flying platform. In one hand he held a stack of phonograph records in their envelopes.

	"Hi," he said. "How's my little cabbage?"

	This was the year that American youths shaved their scalps and wore false beards. Terry's was green. He folded Patrice in his arms, bent her back towards the floor in an Apache embrace, kissed her, and set her on her feet again.

	"How'd you get here?" she asked.

	"I called your house. Thought you might be lonesome."

	He sat down on the man-sized sofa, pulled her down, kissed and pawed her a bit, then squirmed in discomfort. He pulled Jane Eyre out from under him.

	"What's this?" he asked.

	"Homework."

	"You actually do homework?"

	"Sure. I still want to go to college."

	"Hah! Setting a bad example, my wench. First thing you know, they'll expect us all to study and pass exams, and then where'll we be? I've never cracked a book outside of school hours and I'm not gonna. What's this?"

	"English assignment. Nineteenth-century stuff."

	"You mean old Rollins makes you read the slop some blob of gup wrote back in the Middle Ages? Some fossil who wore iron pajamas and wrote on clay tablets or something?"

	"No, and anyway it was a she who wrote it."

	"Aw, ta hell with it." Terry tossed the book to the floor. "Let's dance."

	While he took his records out of their envelopes and spiked them on the phonograph spindle of the entertainer, Patrice straightened her hair. She wished Terry wouldn't wrestle around so. Presently the machine was giving out Marijuana for Two. Terry hauled Patrice to her feet and swung into the Guatemalan brinco. This called for both to leap into the air and come down on all four heels with every eighth beat.

	"Are — are you sure we're not making too much noise?" said Patrice between hops.

	"Who'll know?" said Terry, making a particularly loud bang. "Come on, limber up. Got arthritis already?"

	Patrice exerted herself to follow him. In one twirl he banged her into the side of the incubator so that it rocked a little.

	"Ow!" said Patrice, stopping. "Hurt?" said Terry.

	"You bet. I'll have a bruise the size of your hand."

	"Oh. Too bad. Can't you dance any more?"

	"Not tonight, Terry." She limped to the sofa. "Well, I'm hungry. These reptiles got any human food in their dump?"

	Patrice indicated the smaller icebox and sat down. While Terry was in the kitchen, more sounds came from the incubator. Were they louder? She almost got up to look, but the pain in her battered thigh made her hesitate.

	Terry strode out of the kitchen with a tray holding two sandwiches and two glasses of milk. Patrice almost told him about the egg. She hesitated for a peculiar reason. One of Terry's favorite subjects was how they ought to get married as soon as the law and their parents allowed, and at once beget a horde of offspring. Such a program did not suit Patrice's collegiate ambitions and, besides, she found his excessive interest in the reproduction of the species embarrassing. Now she feared the sight of the egg would send his mind off in that direction.

	Before she could decide, he cut her off with a loud stream of talk: "C'mon, wrap yourself around this! Make you feel better. Say, I just heard the funniest thing ..."

	Patrice forgot the egg. They ate, talking with full mouths: the endless, garrulous chatter of adolescents, so full of words and so empty of meaning to outsiders.

	At last Terry put the tray away, wiped his mouth, and slid large hands around Patrice. "Now, my trull, if you can't dance, there's only one other thing you're good for ..." The music ground on.

-

	The Obers' telephone rang again. This time Mr. Ober answered: "Yeah?"

	"Mr. Ober? This is Andrew Dupas. Is Pat there, please?"

	"No. She went over to the Yerethians' place to baby-sit."

	"Hmm. Thanks."

	Mr. Ober turned with a grin to his wife. "That was Andy. If one human being to watch Pat is good, two ought to be better."

	"If he and Terry get there together they're liable to fight."

	"Maybe, but Andy's pretty smart. Hell see that everything comes out all right."

-

	Terence Blaine was well into his campaign. He had shed his beard and his hands were busy.

	"Take it easy," he panted. "I won't hurt you."

	"No, Terry darling —"

	"Aw, come on! Be a sport!"

	"But I don't want to."

	"All the girls do it."

	"No, let me up —"

	"And you'll feel good afterwards —"

	"Leave my clothes alone."

	"But we love each other, don't we? That makes it all right —"

	They were so busy with determined attack on one side and wavering defense on the other that they did not hear the commotion from the incubator, over the music of I Hate Your Guts from the entertainer. There was a rending sound. The lid rose. Out came the head of the baby Yerethian.

	The neck followed, then the forelegs. The rest of the creature poured over the edge of the floor. The lid fell back with a thump. The smirpers looked up. Patrice screamed.

	A new-hatched Yerethian is about ten feet long counting its tail. It does not look much like an adult, aside from the reptilian aspect of both. The baby lacks the spines, horns, and other ornaments of the adult, nor does its skull bulge with brain. It looks a little like a long-legged, long-necked alligator, with jaws big enough to bite a man's head off. It walks on all fours instead of upright like the adult.

	The baby swiveled its big slit-pupiled eyes towards the petrified pair on the sofa. It hissed and trotted briskly towards them, jaws chomping and sixteen claws clicking.

	Terry and Patrice bounced off the sofa and ran for the door. Terry got there first. He tried to open the door, not knowing the trick of the latch. The door refused to open.

	Patrice tried to push him out of the way to open it herself. He shouldered her aside, mastered the latch combination, and started to open the door. Then the Yerethian was upon him.

	It opened its jaws and swung its massive head sideways, like the business end of an excavating machine. The head struck

	Terry in the side and knocked him over. The jaws clomped on a mouthful of Terry's satin whizz-jacket, which came apart with a ripping sound. In falling, Terry knocked Patrice down too.

	They sat up and for half a second looked at the Yerethian, standing in front of the door and digging shredded satin out of its teeth with its foreclaws.

	They got up and ran again. Both headed for the powder room. Being bigger and faster, Terry got there first. He lunged inside, slammed the door, and locked it. Patrice pulled on the knob, shrieked "Let me in!", beat on the door, and then saw the Yerethian charging down upon her.

	Patrice ran along the wall of the huge room while the Yerethian crashed into the powder-room door, picked itself up, and started after her. It was less agile on sharp turns than she but faster on the straightaway. She saw it was gaining and would catch her long before she could reach the outer door again.

	She ran past a bookcase — the one with the smaller shelves, for human books. As she came to the end, she whipped around into the angle between the end of the bookcase and the wall. The Yerethian shot past her and skidded to a stop thirty feet away.

	Patrice darted back around the end of the bookcase and climbed up the front of the case, as if the shelves were ladder-rungs. She was halfway up before the Yerethian began its next charge and all the way up by the time it arrived. It slithered to a halt beneath her and looked up.

	"Go away!" she told it. "HELP! HELP! Go away, ugly! HELP!"

	The Yerethian reared up against the front of the bookcase and stretched its neck. "HELP!" shrieked Patrice.

	She reached down under the top of the bookcase, pulled out a book from the top shelf, and threw it at the Yerethian. The book bounced off its nose. It shook its head and grunted. Another book followed. This time the Yerethian blinked and dodged. It felt around with its claws, took a firm grip on the front edges of the shelves, and began to climb.

	"HELP!" About two shelves up, and it would be able to reach her.

	The bookcase swayed outward and fell with a frightful crash. Patrice jumped clear but turned an ankle as she came down.

	She sat up, gasping with pain, and looked at the ruinous heap. The Yerethian's head rose out of the pile of books and broken bookcase. It blinked, hissed, and took up the chase.

	Patrice hobbled towards the door. Claws scrabbled on the floor behind her.

	The door, which had been open a crack since their first attempt to flee, now opened widely. In it stood Andrew Dupas, wearing a purple false beard. The lights inside were reflected on his owlish glasses.

	"Hey!" cried Andy.

	He ran forward and snatched up a light chair, one of those meant for men. He danced between the Yerethian and Patrice, holding the chair with its legs extended as lion tamers do. The Yerethian paused, made a couple of lunges, then seized the chair in its jaws and sent it whirling away. Then it closed in on Andy.

	Andy glanced around and ran toward the smaller sofa. He threw himself flat, dove under the sofa, and came out the other side, scrambling between the struts like mad. As he was of medium size and rather spare, he got through. The Yerethian, following him, got stuck. Its head and neck stuck out from under the rear of the sofa while its forelegs were out of sight under the piece.

	Andy turned on his pursuer. "Yeah, whatcha gonna do now?" he snarled.

	The Yerethian gave a hoarse cry and snapped at him. He stood just out of reach and slapped its muzzle. It heaved and lunged and pushed the sofa along the floor.

	"Can't we catch it?" cried Patrice. "If it upsets the sofa it'll get loose again."

	"Let me think."

	Andy ran around to the front of the sofa, pulling off his belt. He climbed up on the sofa. As the Yerethian bent its neck back to try to reach him, he whirled the belt so that the buckle whipped around the neck. He caught the buckle in his other hand, slipped the free end through the buckle, and pulled the free end so that the noose tightened. Then he braced his feet and pulled with both hands.

	The baby Yerethian was wheezing for breath a minute later when the door opened, and in came Gnoth and Triw.

	"My child!" bellowed Triw, lumbering forward. She gave Andy a push that spun him away like an autumn leaf. His unsupported pants fell down and tripped him so he skidded sprawling.

	Triw broke the sofa apart to extricate her young and gathered the creature to her bosom. It bit her arm, at which she dealt it a slap that would have crushed a man to jelly.

	"Keep calm! Keep calm!" roared Gnoth. "What is the matter? Quick, is anybody hurt? Do not all talk at once. Great Knash, that this should happen to us! Keep calm, everyone!"

	"Calm down yourself," said Triw. "My dear little baby is safe and sound."

	"How about you two?" said Gnoth.

	Patrice said: "I turned my ankle, but it's better now."

	"Nothing but a few bruises," said Andy, his glasses dangling from one ear. He replaced them. "May I have my belt back, please?"

	Gnoth handed the belt to Andy, who secured his falling trews. At that instant, Terry's record of Heaving and Panting ended.

	As this was the last record in the stack, the entertainer gave a click and fell silent. Gnoth turned it off. He looked at the machine, the floor, and the incubator.

	"Have you two been dancing?" he said in an ominous tone.

	Patrice said: "I was but Andy wasn't."

	"You mean you were doing a — what do you say — a solo?"

	"N-no, I mean I was dancing with Terry. Andy only got here just now."

	"Who is Terry?"

	Patrice nodded towards the powder room, whose door Terry had opened. Patrice, trying to put her looks in order, presented both boys to the Yerethians. Her voice quavered with nervousness. You can't help feeling a little scared when a being that could make two bites of you is mad at you, no matter how civilized it seems.

	"And you lurched against the incubator and moved it, is that not true?" rumbled Gnoth. "I see scratch-marks on the floor."

	"Well — uh —"said Terry.

	"So if our child suffers from premature hatching, it will have been your doing!" thundered Gnoth.

	"Wait a minute!" said Andy. "When was this egg supposed to hatch?"

	"In four days," said Gnoth. He looked at his wife. "Is that not what you said, Triw?"

	"It is. I asked Niag at the Embassy to make sure. He said it would be the fourteenth day, our system, of your month of September. So I added two days to change from our number system to yours, which gives the sixteenth —"

	"You added?" said Andy.

	"Of course. Our fourteen is your sixteen, or — dear me — is it that your fourteen is our sixteen?"

	"I'm afraid it is," said Andy; then to Gnoth: "You see how it is, sir. The egg didn't hatch ahead of time after all."

	Gnoth waved an apologetic paw. "I see now. I am terribly sorry. Mr. Blaine, you must let me buy you a new coat."

	"He doesn't deserve it," said Patrice. "He ran into the John and locked me out with that th — with your baby."

	"Isn't this yours?" said Andy to Terry, handing him the green beard.

	Terry snatched the beard and put it on. "Want a lift home?" he asked Patrice.

	"Thank you, Mister Blaine, but I'll go home with Andy."

	"Big hero, eh?" said Terry to Andy. "Don't go shooting off your mouth about what happened here if you want to stay healthy."

	He started for the door. Gnoth, counting out Patrice's fee, rumbled: "Just a minute, Mr. Blaine. And the rest of you."

	"Whaddya want?" said Terry.

	"Your personal relations are no concern of mine, but I think it would be just as well if we all kept silent about what happened."

	"How so?" said Andy.

	"If your story got out, Miss Ober would have trouble with her parents. Mr. Blaine would suffer embarrassment because of the pusillanimous part he played, and Triw and I should have trouble getting Terrans to work for us. You, Mr. Dupas, are the only one who would gain from the broadcasting of this news, and I hope you can be persuaded to — ah — make common cause with us."

	Andy looked for Terry, but the latter had already stalked out. He thought, then said: "Okay. Let's go, Pat."

	 Terry's flying platform whirred off into the night as Andy started his old but well-kept automobile. On the way home, Patrice asked:

	"Why didn't you hit that big blob of gup? He deserved it."

	"Sure, he did. The trouble is, he can lick me. He did once, in fact. He knows what we think of him, so why should I ask for another beating-up just to underline it?"

	They parked and smirped in front of the Ober house. After a while, Andy said: "You know I'm going in two days."

	"Yes. Do — do you want me to wait for you?"

	Patrice knew right away she had said the wrong thing. The moonlight gleamed coldly on Andy's glasses as he said:

	"You're too young for that, Pat. As for me, it'll take me at least seven years to get my Ph.D. If you're still around at the end of that time, we'll talk about it some more."

	Patrice went in. She explained her dishevelment and limp as the result of tripping and falling on the walk in front of the Yerethian house. Then she went to bed and cried on her pillow.

-

Let's Have Fun

	Doc Lofting was on another drunk in the recreation room of the Embassy. This was different, being a crying drunk. The Fourth Secretary, Kemal Okmen, asked: "What's the matter, Doc?"

	"Uzhegh is dead," mumbled Lofting, a plump little man with a white goatee. "The Provincial?"

	"Yes."

	"A friend of yours? I know you like these lizards —"

	"Hadn't seen him in years."

	"Then why the grief?"

	"Reminds me ..."

	"Of what?"

	Cecil Mpanza, the Communications Engineer, dropped into the third chair. "It's his big secret."

	"What secret?" asked Okmen.

	"Whatever brought him to Ahlia twelve years ago. Whatever made him stick despite heat, fog, and gravity. Whatever makes him do favors for the Ahlians."

	"Isn't it time you told?" said Okmen.

	Doc stared at his glass. "Well, now Uzhegh's dead ..."

	"Well?"

	"Buy me 'nother and I'll tell."

	 "I take refuge in Allah!" said Okmen. "Charlie! Give Doc another. Now talk, old boy."

	Doc wiped away the tears. "How to begin ... Won't matter now. Too far in ..."

	"In what?" said Okmen.

	"Confederated Planets. This thing — this — well, what brought me here — was back in twenty-seven, when the first Interplanetary Conference was held."

	"The one in the U. S. that set up the C. P.?" asked Mpanza.

	"Yes. I was jush — just a general practitioner in the suburb of Far Hills, near the Conference."

	As Doc proceeded, he seemed to get the knots out of his tongue. "You've read about it. The old problem: local independence versus unity. The Ansonians refused to attend and are still outside the Confederation. The Ghazaqs sent an unofficial observer and joined later. The Ahlians sent a delegation, but all tied up with restrictions."

	Mpanza asked: "Is that why the Confederation's constitution is so weak?"

	"Partly. Lot of other delegations, including our own, were under similar restrictions. Most intelligent organisms like to order outsiders around but are horrified by the idea of being ordered in their turn.

	"Now, the Ahlians were a special case. They were barely willing to consider any agreement; if they were pushed they'd pull out. Those who wanted a strong union wanted Ahlia in. It's a rich and powerful planet, and the Ahlians have a lot of what we unscientifically call character."

	"All the stuffy virtues," said Okmen. "Thrift, punctuality ..."

-

	Back in twenty-seven, five youths stood in front of the post office in Far Hills' small shopping center. In age, they ranged from fifteen to nineteen. All were decently dressed in shorts and T-shirts; all looked well-fed and well-cared-for.

	But they scowled. They scowled because Mr. Patchik had ordered them out of his pharmacy for making a disturbance. So they had left the delightful coolth of Patchik's Drug Store to stand in the dank ninety-degree heat.

	Their speech must be abridged because it consisted largely of Anglo-Saxon monosyllables used with wearisome repetition. Bowdlerized, it ran as follows. Meehan, the oldest, said: "Let's have fun."

	"Such as?" said Fisher.

	"I know a place we can drive two hundred miles an hour."

	"Nah, they got a cop watching it. That's how Buddy Gar-stein got spattered last month."

	"I seen it," said Carmichael. "Funniest thing you ever saw, poor Buddy spattered all over the county, from trying to get away from that cop."

	Snow said: "Some day I'm gonna get that buggy cop. If you tie a herculite wire across the road on a level with his neck —"

	"Nah," said Meehan. "They've conch to that one. That's why they got that cutter-bar in front of their windshields. What else you spuds got in mind?"

	"I know a couple girls we could get to come out in Summers Park," said Carmichael. "There's a place low down with bushes around. If they yelled, nobody'd hear. A couple of us could hold 'em —"

	"Nah, I like mine willing," said Meehan. "How about a barn? Couple barns haven't been burned yet."

	"Good idea," said Fisher. "I saw the Morrison barn get burned. Funniest thing you ever heard, way those horses screamed while they was roasted." Fisher giggled.

	"Dunno," said Carmichael. "After these last fires, a lot of people are sitting out in their barns with shotguns. I got a better idea. You know old man Slye? He's got a marble statue in his garden. Some kind of nymph or Venus or something. Old man Slye sure loves that statue. Well, let's bust it up. I can get a sledge hammer."

	"Hey," said Meehan. "Here comes Longpants Riegel with his tame lizard. One of those whatjacallems."

	"Ahlians," said Kraus, the youngest.

	The others gave Kraus a frosty stare. He had been guilty of knowledge.

	"Like to get one of those buggy lizards," said Meehan. "Hang his head on my wall."

	"You'd have a time," said Carmichael.

	"Nah, with a good rifle? They wouldn't do nothing to me."

	"How come they wouldn't?"

	"They're not human, that's how come. The lizards."

	"Maybe they got a closed season on 'em," said Kraus.

	"So what? My old man would pay my fine. I'd just scream I was being frustrated. Some day we gotta give Longpants a visit."

	"Yeah," said Snow. "Look at his buggy pants. And walking, in this weather. He's buggy, all right."

	"Guess he's got to walk," said Kraus. "He couldn't get the lizard in his car. That lizard must be eight feet high."

	"Playing around with off-earthers proves he's buggy," said Fisher.

	Assistant Professor of Astromagnetics Norman Riegel was now within earshot, accompanied by Uzhegh of Kich. Uzhegh was the delegate to the Interplanetary Conference from the planet called by Terrans after its human discoverer, Captain Hjalmar AM. The Ahlians called their own world Hwrajar-Pchum. For obvious reasons, Earthmen preferred "Ahlia."

	Riegel, dwarfed by his reptilian friend, had a few mildly eccentric habits. For instance, he wore long trousers through the summer, instead of shorts, because he was conscious of his scrawny legs and varicose veins. He shaved the sides of his face in a decade when burnsides were universal.

	As he neared, the five began muttering like ventriloquists without moving their lips:

	"Look at the mad scientist!"

	"Watch out, he'll bite."

	"Look at his buggy pants."

	"Lizard-lover!"

	"Oh, Professor! Whee-Whee-eew!" (Whistle.)

	Riegel marched ahead, his face set. He had to shoulder his way between Meehan and Carmichael to enter the post office.

	"Look how mad he looks."

	"Bet he'd like to kill us."

	"Aw, he won't do nothing."

	"He's too buggy to do anything."

	Uzhegh remained outside because the door was small for him. As Riegel came out with a handful of mail, the muttering rose again. Uzhegh leaned over and yawned suddenly in Fisher's face, showing his teeth and flicking out his long yellow tongue.

	Fisher gave a little shriek, tried to leap back, tripped, and sat down. The other four youths laughed. While their attention was on Fisher, Riegel went into Patchik's Drug Store. Here he picked up an afternoon paper and bought a gallon of ice cream. Then he and Uzhegh set off towards the Scarron mansion, where Riegel and his wife lived while they ran the estate as a kind of camp or boarding school for the young of the delegates to the Conference.

	"Will thith not melt on ze way home?" asked Uzhegh, carrying the container.

	"No; that's a new super-insulating plastic," said Riegel. "It'll keep for a week, even in this heat."

	"Zat — that will be long enough for this party. Tell me, why did zose young Terrans treating you so disrespectful? Are they members of some hostile clan?"

	Riegel shrugged. "No. They just don't like me."

	"Why?"

	"I suppose I know too much."

	"That is a peculiar reason."

	"Well, there's always been some hostility between the thinking fraction of my species and the unthinking majority. It becomes aggravated as science advances and becomes less comprehensible to the layman."

	"Why do you thubmit?"

	"What could I do? I'm not allowed to shoot them. If I punched one, the rest would spatter me. At least two are bigger than I, and I'm three times their age. And if I did beat up one I'd go to jail."

	"It is not the way we do sings," said Uzhegh. "Now, tell me, this is a working day, and zey look old enough to work. Why are they doing nossing?"

	"Don't you know about our educational and child-labor laws? They're not allowed to work till they're twenty-five."

	"Why? They looking adult."

	"The unions want 'em out of the labor market. There's not enough work to go round even with our eighteen-hour work week. So, the state makes all the young stay in school till they're twenty-five. It's summer vacation now, but thank God that'll soon be over."

	"I should sink all that education would make them more courteous and cultured-acting."

	"Oh, most of them passed the academic saturation-point years ago, at thirteen or fourteen."

	"The academic what?"

	"I mean, they're incapable of absorbing any more book-learning. They can't be taught trades because their parents all want them to belong to the business and professional classes and are outraged if they're made to use their hands. So they're given courses in things like basketry and square dancing. Between times they hang around, bored and spoiled, and think up deviltry."

	"I am not sinking we should find this custom thuitable."

	"You stick to your own customs. If any missionaries for Terran ideas come to Ahlia, I hope you kill them."

	Uzhegh shook his crested head. "Yet you have an elaborate apparatus for enforcement of law. Why is it not operating?"

	"Because of our theories of juvenile psychology. These hold that all misbehavior is the result of frustration or insecurity and therefore the parents' fault."

	"I am glad all Terrans are not like zose. It is partly knowing some like you and Doctor Lofting that made me recommend that our delegation be empowered to sign the constitution. You have done marvelous to keeping ze young of all those different thpecies playing together."

	"It hasn't been easy," said Riegel. "Some are worse than human children. The young Akhran is careless about its respirator, and twice we've found it after it had taken it off and passed out. The Moorians, being arboreal, are almost impossible to housebreak. And I had to refuse admission to the young Ghazaq for fear it would eat some of our smaller off-earthers."

	"Considering their ancestry, it is natural. How is my Tsit-sav?"

	"Fine."

	"Has he behaving?"

	"Very well. He's a responsible youngster."

	"We of Hwrajar-Pchum all are, by comparison."

	"Tsitsav has taken the Gordonian, Kranakiloa, under his wing."

	"Wing?"

	"Protection. Gordonians are jolly enough but carry playfulness to the point of damn foolishness."

	"I know. They clown even in ze most solemn moments at the Conference."

	They walked in silence. Riegel glanced with affection towards the tall solemn Ahlian. He had found Ahlians the most attractive of the delegates, though most Terrans considered them stuffed-shirty. Their rigid morality struck most earth-men as either hypocritical or impractical. At the same time, it made the more flexible Terrans uncomfortable in their presence. Perhaps Norman Riegel liked them because he was a little like an Ahlian himself.

	Uzhegh spoke: "Here we are. Where do I putting zis container?"

	They were walking up the driveway of the Scarron estate. The estate had been for sale since Mrs. Scarron died at the ripe but not exceptional age of 143. None of the heirs wanted the place to live in, as the mansion was considered a white elephant.

	When the Conference had begun, the Terran bureau that coped with other-worldly visitors sought a means of caring for their young. The bureau had therefore approached Riegel, as the local head of the Society for Interplanetary Union. He, in turn, persuaded the Scarron heirs to lend the mansion rent-free for the summer and a furniture dealer to lend some second-hand furniture. Riegel and his wife, childless themselves, moved into the mansion and ran it as a school-camp for young off-earthers.

	Now the Constitution was about to be signed and the extraterrestrial young given back to their parents. The Riegels intended to give the young ones a last farewell party.

	Somebody saw Riegel and Uzhegh. The twenty-three off-earthers poured out, walking, running, hopping, and slithering. The one that looked a little like an aard-vark, for instance, was Gnish Axal, the Vza from Altair V. They talked in various approximations of English, except the Wanian whose vocal organs did not work in the human aural range, the Thomasonian who communicated by sign-language, and the two Borisovians who talked by flashing built-in colored lights.

	The Gordonian, Kranakiloa, flowed out with the rest. It looked something like an oversized otter with six limbs. The Gordonians presented a problem to the Conference. They had the lowest intelligence of any species represented, though they talked and used tools. There had been discussion of putting them under a trusteeship, but the delegates could not agree on any plan.

	Kranakiloa danced around Riegel and Uzhegh, squeaking: "Gimme! Gimme!" and snatching at the container of ice cream.

	Tsitsav, the young Ahlian, caught the Gordonian, shook it, and said: "Run off and play or I will thpank you."

	Tsitsav was about as tall as Riegel, though of even lighter build. He spoke in his own language to Uzhegh, who responded. Their long forked tongues flickered out, touched, and vanished. Riegel had an impression that the older Ahlian was devoted to his offspring. But it was hard to tell, because, to an outsider, Ahlians' faces seemed expressionless.

	The Ahlians walked off claw in claw. Alice Riegel came out and shooed the off-earthers back to their playground. She gave Riegel a sharp look and said:

	"What's the matter, darling?"

	"Nothing. Just the young thugs at the post office." Riegel gave details.

	"Shouldn't you tell the police?"

	"That wouldn't do any good, I've told you. They haven't done anything to be arrested for."

	"Couldn't they stretch disorderly conduct to cover it?"

	"Maybe, but they won't. You know how people are. 'Nothing's too good for our kids' — and they won't believe what 'our kids' are up to."

	A wild look came into Riegel's eye and a shrill hoarse tone into his voice. The effect was startling, as his manner was normally urbane and self-possessed. "Some day I'll get a gun and mow the little bastards down! King Herod had the right idea."

	"Now, dear," said Alice Riegel. "You need a good strong cup of tea."

	"What I need," said Riegel, "is a set of crosses, some spikes, and a hammer."

	"The party's coming fine," said Alice brightly. "They've been as good as gold, except that Gnish started to dig up the front lawn for grubs, and I caught Kranakiloa dancing on the high-diving springboard. When I ordered him down he just laughed."

	"What did you do?"

	"Oh, Tsitsav hauled him down and spanked him, though it's a little like spanking a piece of steel cable."

	"They are tough. How about the pool?" 

	"We've drained and scrubbed it. Doctor Lofting's coming over to give them their final checkups and help with the party."

	"Good old Doc! Without him and Tsitsav I don't know how we'd have survived."

-

	The five youths leaned against the front of the post office. Fisher, having picked himself up, glowered at the backs of Riegel and the Ahlian. He said:

	"Now we just gotta spatter those ..." He rolled out a string of epithets that stigmatized his subjects' legitimacy, ancestry, chances of salvation, and sexual habits all at once. "We're not gonna let 'em get away with that!"

	"What you got in mind, spud?" said Meehan.

	"Listen. Longpants bought a gallon of ice cream. That means a party for all the little off-earthers, see? Now, have we all got baseball bats?"

	"I don't have none," said Snow.

	"Then we'll bust into old man Rizzi's sporting-goods store and get you one. Now, here's what we'll do ..."

	He was finishing his explanation when Doctor Lofting got out of his car and walked towards the post office. Again the ventriloquistic muttering arose:

	"Look at old Whiskers."

	"Bet he chews it in his sleep."

	"Nah, that's to make him look like a doctor."

	"Him a doctor? Just a drunken old bum."

	"He couldn't doctor a horse."

	At the entrance to the post office, Lofting turned and said pleasantly: "Boys, if you're trying to make a date with me, you're wasting your time. I'm not that kind of guy."

	Then he went in. Lofting at this stage was neither old nor drunken; merely convivial and middle-aged. A widower, he had been drawn to the Riegels by a common interest in the Society for Interplanetary Union. His beard was the only unconventional thing about him, though it was enough to draw the attention of the five.

	As Lofting got back in his automobile, Carmichael said: "Sassy little bastard, ain't he?"

	"Some day we'll pay him a visit," said Snow.

	"Hey, not till we've worked Riegel over!" said Fisher.

	"Okay," said Meehan. "Time enough to figure something out for Doc later. Let's meet at twenty-hundred ..."

	The parry went beautifully through the long August evening. The young off-earthers sang and romped and played games, all but Gnish the Vza, who lay panting in the heat, and the spidery Martian who was not built for Terran gravity.

	Alice Riegel looked at the darkening sky. The Gordonian was getting out of hand, prancing around and nipping the other guests to get them to chase it. Twice Norman Riegel had ordered it down from the high-diving tower of the empty pool.

	Lightning flashed and thunder growled. Zeu, the Morenan, threw its tentacles around Alice Riegel in terror. She called:

	"Dear! We'd better take them inside."

	Riegel looked skyward. "Not yet. It won't rain for another half-hour."

	Meehan's gang watched the proceedings through a privet hedge on the grounds. While Mrs. Scarron lived, her gardener had kept the hedge in trim, but now it had shot up to a height of ten feet. From where they stood, the youths could see the mob of young extra-terrestrials playing behind the house. They could not, however, see the kitchen door, which was hidden by a corner of the rambling edifice.

	The gang had arrived late, because Kraus had not appeared at the rendezvous, and they had gone to fetch him. In fact, he was afraid of the consequences of the raid and less avid for aggression and destruction than the others. He had hoped they would go without him. But, when they appeared at his home, fear of losing status as a gang member led him to join them.

	"Shall we get 'em now?" whispered Fisher, swinging his bat in little circles. "Shall we?"

	-"Wait till it gets darker," said Meehan. "They'd know us even with masks in this light."

	"Gonna rain soon," said Snow. "Then they'll go in."

	"Keep your shirt on, spud," said Meehan. "Who's running this?"

	"Boy, I'd sure like a crack at that Martian," said Carmichael. "He'd go splush like a bug."

	"He's a buggy bug all right," said Snow, suppressing a giggle at his own wit.

	The off-earthers played musical chairs, all but the Martian, the Vza, and Kranakiloa the Gordonian. Kranakiloa was chasing its tail in circles, as its mind could not be kept on any one thing for more than a few seconds.

	Thunder came louder. Though the sun had not long set, the clouds darkened the scene almost to full nocturnal gloom. Doc Lofting, wearing a butler's apron, called from the kitchen door:

	"Hey, Norman! Better start herding 'em in. I'll dish up the ice cream and cake." Those off-earthers who could not eat these substances were to get their native foods.

	"We gotta go now!" wailed Fisher.

	"Okay, put the bags on," said Meehan. Each youth produced a paper bag with holes cut for eyes, pulled it over his head, and fastened it in place with a rubber band around his neck.

	"Hurry up!" groaned Fisher.

	"Ready?" said Meehan. "Let's go!"

	The Riegels were herding the last of the extra-terrestrials in the kitchen door when the five youths pushed through the hedge, breaking down some of the privet plants, and ran towards the back of the mansion. They ran quietly, stopping and gripping their bats. As they rounded the corner of the house they could see the kitchen door and the tail-end of the procession going in.

	At that instant, Kranakiloa ducked under Riegel's arm and bolted out the door, screeching: "You gan't gatch me!" It loped across the back lawn towards the swimming pool. The first drops fell.

	"I will getting him, Profethor," said Tsitsav, the young Ahlian. He pushed past Riegel.

	Kranakiloa headed for the high-diving tower. Fisher pointed at the long dark shape rippling past in front of the gang.

	"Let's get that one!" he said. "He's by himself."

	"Come back!" cried Tsitsav.

	Kranakiloa glanced around. There was a bright flash and a crash of thunder. Kranakiloa scooted for a patch of shrubbery.

	"Hey! Who you are?" said Tsitsav to the gang as they converged from different directions on the track of the fleeing Gordonian.

	The gang slowed uncertainly. Tsitsav danced around to place himself between them and Kranakiloa, who had vanished into the bushes.

	"You go away!" said Tsitsav. "I am responsible for him."

	Meehan and Fisher stepped forward, swinging their clubs. Tsitsav advanced too, baring his teeth, though he weighed only half what they did.

	There was an instant of furious whirling action, a thudding of bats in the hands of five brawny adolescents. Then they stepped back. Meehan wrung blood from his right arm, which had been gashed by Tsitsav's teeth. Tsitsav lay on the sward, his limbs thrashing and tail flopping.

	The sound of footsteps brought the boys around. Riegel and Lofting were bearing down on them, the latter armed with a rolling pin. The Meehan gang, despite their advantage in weight and armament, raced off into the darkness, scattering. The older men ran after them until they were winded i and the youths had outrun them and vanished.

	"C'mon back — see if he's alive —"gasped Lofting.

	He and Riegel returned, breathing heavily. The rain started to come down hard. Riegel said:

	"Did you see — any of their faces?"

	"No — they had some kind of mask — or hood."

	Riegel raised his voice over the storm. "I can guess who they were."

	"So — can I but — you'd have a hell of a time proving it."

	They got to where Tsitsav lay. Lofting bent over and said: "Get my bag. You'll find it inside the front door. And tell Alice to keep the others in."

	When Riegel got back, Lofting looked up at him, water dripping from his goatee. "I'll check, but it'll just be a formality."

	"Dead?"

	"Good and dead. Skull smashed."

	"Isn't there — I mean, he's more like a reptile, and they're pretty tenacious ..."

	"No. His brains are squashed and his heart's stopped." Lofting got instruments out of the bag.

	"Shall I call police?"

	"Just a minute. Let me think," said Lofting. He continued his examination. The downpour slackened. At last Lofting spoke:

	"If we call the cops, they'll arrest our young friends and there'll be a big stink, but nobody'll be convicted. We can't swear we recognized anybody because of those bags over their heads. Even if we could, you know what juries are. Electrocute one of our poor dear boys for socking some slimy reptile from outer space?"

	"We have to start somewhere with equal enforcement of law."

	"What law? The state legislature debated a bill to count off-earthers as people at the last session, but did nothing. Some politicians used just that argument about our poor dear boys. No doubt such a law will be passed, but not in time to help Tsitsav."

	"Well, do we just let those little obscenities get away with it?"

	"I'm thinking."

	"What in hell shall I tell Uzhegh?"

	Lofting continued: "If this comes out, it'll break up the Conference. The Ahlians won't sign the Constitution, not that I'd blame them. A lot of the others will pull out too. Away goes Interplanetary union! That's too important. I don't think it's worth revenge for Tsitsav's murder, even if we could get revenge."

	"Well then, what? Shall we pretend it was an accident?"

	"You're catching on, Norm. First I'll heave Tsitsav into the pool." The body flopped on to the concrete below. "Now let's catch that fool Gordonian. Maybe he doesn't know enough to spoil our scheme."

	They dragged a whimpering Kranakiloa out of the bushes. The Gordonian could hardly talk intelligently — not that its talk was ever very intelligent. All they got from it was that it had seen Tsitsav running after it, had started for the shrubs, and then had been frightened out of its few wits by the thunder and hidden itself.

	"Go on in the house, Krana," said Riegel, "and get your ice cream and cake." When the Gordonian had left, he said to the doctor: "It apparently never even saw the five masked figures. Now what?"

	"We'll say Tsitsav climbed the tower looking for Kranakiloa and fell into the empty pool."

-

	"So we did," said Lofting. "There was a lot of grief and sympathy but no hostility."

	"But how did that land you here?" asked Mpanza.

	"Couldn't stand it where I was. The Riegels got disgusted with Far Hills and moved away too. I stayed for a few years, watching Meehan's gang sneer when they saw me. They knew I knew. It hurt my professional conscience to fake the death certificate, and it hurt it even more to let those five get away scot-free. Young Tsitsav, under his scales, was a good person.

	"Well, I began hitting this stuff more than I should, and my practice went to pot. So I came out here, as it's hard to get a qualified medico to serve the Embassy on Ahlia. If you wonder why I like to do favors for the Ahlians, who aren't very chummy, it's to try to make things up to them."

	Okmen said: "If the bottle bothers you, you can fix that by being psyched."

	"But don't you see, their modern techniques drag everything out of you? How long could I have hidden the true story of Tsitsav?"

	"Oh. But now —"

	"Now I don't give a damn any more."

	"Well, what did happen to Meehan's gang?"

	"Oh, Meehan was killed in a knife fight over a girl, Carmichael went to jail for burglary, and Fisher was killed trying to fly his family's 'plane under a bridge. The other two grew up to be more or less normal adults.

	"A few years later, the current child-rearing fad changed from progressive-permissive to rigidly disciplinary. So, the last I heard, the kids were being kept under fair control. But from my point of view, the harm had been done. Charlie! Pour me another, please."

-

-

FAR PLACES

-

Impractical Joke

	All right, honey, so I'm a beast and a bounder. But I'm not going back to Jack's party and I won't apologize. I'm going to take you home and go home too.

	Sure, I know it was only a joke. But, darling, if we're going to get married, you've got to learn that I won't take practical jokes. Big ones or little ones; now or any time in the future.

	Call me a stuffed shirt or say I have no sense of humor; it won't change me. And if you've got any ideas of reforming me after we're married, you'd better drop them.

	Why? Oh, I never did like them much, and after what happened on Suomi ...

	Haven't I told you, ever?

	... Well, this was my first expedition. I'd just graduated with a major in journalism. This was just after the Raskolnikov drive made it possible for private persons to send out interstellar expeditions and also get them back in the same generation. I'd studied biology under Otis May and got a letter from him asking me to drop in.

	You don't know him, do you? He's short and bald, and fifteen years ago he was very strong and muscular. He's full of energy and bustle; pleasant enough, but strait-laced. His idea of an evening's fun is to go to the Y.M.C.A. for a workout on the parallel bars.

	With him were two others. One was a tall, pale, round-shouldered fellow with a profile like that of a polar-bear: a big pointed nose sticking out forward and no chin or forehead to speak of; sandy hair and bulging blue eyes. I got the impression of a frail man. May said:

	"Mr. Fish, this is Roy Laskaris. Used to be a student of mine. Roy, Mr. Win thro p Fish."

	The nose stuck out a big-knobby hand and grabbed mine in a grip that practically disjointed it. He leaned forward and shouted, spraying me with saliva: "Glad to know you, Roy! You just come along with us, we'll show the gaw damn world how to explore! Laskaris is Greek, ain't it?"

	"Uh — yes," I said.

	"Swell! Great minds, great heroes, great businessmen, all Greeks! A Greek can lick three Armenians and five Jews on a trade! Heh-heh-heh! We'll show 'em, Roy old boy old boy!"

	Fish gave a loud braying laugh and broke the remaining bones in my hand with a final squeeze. May had spoken as if I ought to have known who he was. Evidently, he was not so frail as he looked; quite the contrary. His speech was upper-class New York City with a pseudo-British pronunciation grafted on it, but he didn't care anything about grammar. It gave a queer effect. I didn't much like his starting right off with a crack about the sharpness of my ancestors. After all they'd been in this country four generations, so I was no more "Greek" than Theodore Roosevelt was Dutch.

	"And this is Dr. Edward Sander," May went on. He referred to the third man: a short middle-aged fellow with a square face, a gray mustache, and longish gray hair. Dr. Sander shook hands in a quiet mousy way and murmured something conventional.

	We sat down with the others looking at me. May said: "Roy, I asked you here to offer a job on an interstellar expedition that Mr. Fish is financing."

	So that explained that. I was awfully surprised. Here was I, a kid just out of college without even a job, though I was dickering with the Record for one. I said:

	"That's wonderful, Professor May, but what sort of job? I don't know what I could do on such an expedition. I'm no scientist."

	"Secretary," said May. "Keep records, journals, and so on. Write the official newspaper stories for release on return. Anything else that comes up. Expedition like this, everybody has to double in brass with a dozen jobs. Ship's too small to hold all the specialists we could use."

	"How did you happen to pick me?" I asked.

	I didn't want to protest my unworthiness too hard, but I didn't want to get in on false pretences and disappoint them. I was also curious, being kind of puny, not much of a mixer, and no outdoorsman at that time.

	"Had my eye on you," said May. "Need people with no close relatives, for one thing. Time-lag, you know. Mustn't mind going away for years. Also we need them young, so they're adaptable and their broken bones heal fast."

	"Where's it to?" I asked.

	"Keid A Two, or Omicron Two Eridani A Two," he said. "Sixteen light-years. With the Raskolnikov drive, takes a year and a half, objective time, to get there, though it'll seem like nothing at all to you. One previous expedition there, Jap. Only preliminary recon; superficial. We hope to make a thorough ecological study."

	"What are the — ah — terms?" I said.

	I knew leaders of expeditions are always trying to save money by getting people to work for them free. I didn't know if I wanted to pop off for years for nothing but board and maintenance.

	May looked at Fish, who seemed to have gone into a trance. Fish woke up and said: "Huh? Whazzat?"

	"He wants to know about salary," said May.

	"Oh. Don't worry, old boy old boy," shouted Fish. "I'll pay you. Same as an instructor gets here at the University. I don't believe in hiring people for nothing on these parties. If you don't pay 'em, you haven't got any hold on 'em. They're liable to walk out over some gaw damn silly little argument. Well, whaddaya say, old fruit? Are you with us?"

	"Well — may I have time to think it over?" I said.

	May began: "Don't see why not —"but Fish interrupted.

	"Naw, you can't," he said, pronouncing "can't" with an "ah."

	"Make up your mind now, old crumb. An explorer's gotta be a man of decision, what? So that's one way of screening out the right kind of people, huh? What'll it be, Roy old boy?" And then came that asinine laugh.

	"Okay," I said. "I'll come."

	Fish jumped up and came around. I thought he meant to attack me, but all he did was wring my poor limp hand again and pound my back.

	"That's the kind of guy I like," he said. "Makes up his mind. Like that other Greek hero, Ulysses? Yah, I think I'll call you Ulysses, huh? Heh-heh-heh."

-

	I must have been awfully stupid, because it never occurred to me that Winthrop Fish was going on this expedition. When I thought about it later, I saw he'd implied it clearly enough. For one thing, he was in his thirties, which then seemed practically senile to me. For another, I assumed that millionaires who financed expeditions stayed at home, since they'd be of little use on other planets and would only take up space better given to scientists. If somebody offered me a place on an expedition now with a man like Fish I'd say no, because I know how one eccentric can foul things up.

	When May called a meeting of all the members of the expedition for briefing, there were Fish and his friend Sander. The first people May introduced to the rest by their official titles were Fish as "hunter" and Sander as physician. He, May, was the leader. There were five other scientists besides May: three other biologists, a geologist, and a meteorologist. Then there were the pilot, the co-pilot, and four engineers.

	The pilot was Harry Constant, a big, square-jawed, heavy-set fellow with curly hair and a jolly grin. He spoke up:

	"Say, Professor, is this all the people on this expedish?"

	"Yes," said May.

	"No dames?" said Constant.

	May said: "No. I explained that I chose only single men —"

	Constant interrupted: "Yeah, sure, but couldn't you have picked a lady scientist? After six months on Suomi even one of those would look good."

	The co-pilot, a little guy named Philip O'Sullivan, laughed at this, but May looked annoyed and said: "Mr. Constant, I know something about organizing expeditions. Mixing sexes, just a way of asking for trouble. We shall have enough difficulties without bringing on those caused by human weakness."

	"You're  gaw  damn  right,"  spouted  Winthrop  Fish.

	"Women are verily a byword and a hissing, as the good book saith. Never trust a woman."

-

	At our last meal before we got to Suomi — that is, Keid A II — May briefed us on the planet, though we knew a lot of it already. He said:

	"The first two weeks will be the hardest, setting things up. Work round the clock, cutting trees, clearing a site, unloading the ship, adjusting apparatus. Everybody pitches in. Once we're set up, we shall be pretty safe in spite of mud and bugs. Even climate, no storms or earthquakes, all animals pretty slow even if some are venomous. One real danger — if the Japs were right — naupredas."

	"What's that, Professor?" said Constant.

	"Naupreda yamamotonis. One of the Megamyzidae. Looks like an overgrown lamprey, up to twenty feet long. Not dangerous individually, but social. Forms great spherical colonies in swamps, thousands of naupredas all tangled up together in their own slime."

	"You mean it's like a snake?" said Winthrop Fish.

	"Rather. Rudimentary limbs, snakelike locomotion. Why?"

	"Oh, my God! I'm deathly afraid of snakes," said Fish.

	"Funny time to find that out," said May. "On your way to a planet where most of the larger animals are apodal or at least serpentiform."

	"I suppose so. Other wild animals I don't give a gaw damn for. I'll walk right up to a lion and spit in his eye. But snakes -ugh!"

	"You can stay in your tent when they're around," said May. "To go on: Naupredas form these colonies, breed, break out of the membrane around the colony, start out in a column. Great writhing mass; swim, crawl, eat everything in path. Nothing to do but run, hoping they won't corner you. No good shooting; too many. Got a flame-thrower and a box of phosphorus grenades. If you kill enough at the head of the column, the rest will turn. Instincts: live naupredas exude a smell that attracts others of their kind; dead ones a smell they avoid. Complex behavior-pattern developed out of a few simple chemical stimuli, as with army-ants. Sometimes the column accidentally joins itself to form a closed figure, and the naupredas march around the course until they die of exhaustion ..."

	Suomi isn't the official name of Keid A II. There was a Finn on this Japanese expedition who thought the planet ought to be called that, not because it's the Finnish name for Finland, but because a name meaning "marshland" seemed appropriate. A swampier planet I've never heard of. It hasn't much surface water, but a very low relief, with neither high mountains nor deep oceanic basins. So, what water there is is scattered over its surface in millions of ponds, lakes, and swamps, with a lot of little seas for them to drain into.

	The dry surfaces — if you can call any place on Suomi dry — were covered with a thick growth that looked like the plants that grew on earth back in the coal age: like mosses and horsetails and ferns grown to tree size. Most of these plants are too soft and pulpy to be of any use to an expedition, and most are poisonous for a man to eat. It's an awfully monotonous flora; no flowers or broadleafed plants.

	The animals are something like earthly amphibia, mostly eel-shaped, though they come in all shapes and sizes, with and without legs. Imagine a world swarming with frogs, tailed frogs, newts, congo eels, hellbenders, and things like that, in all sizes from a pinhead up to fifty feet long. Many have venomous bites. There are only a few small high spots you could really call dry on the whole planet, and those are polar. Therefore, no higher form of life has evolved a life-cycle with breeding out of water, since there's no large area for such a species to expand into.

	We set up camp on the highest land we could find in our area. Behind us was a swamp so full of big rushlike plants, a hundred feet high, that it was almost impossible to enter it. In front was a little isthmus between two lakes, with more swamp and ponds beyond it. Beyond these lay the Beebe River.

	The temperature's comfortable enough in the equatorial regions, where we were, but you have to adjust to a day of seventeen hours instead of twenty-four. The oxygen is high enough to breathe — sixteen per cent — but the carbon dioxide is too high at five and a half. You can stand it for a while, though it makes you pant, but several hours of it will poison you with acute acidosis. Hence, outside your tent, you have to wear a respiration-hood, a thing of thin transparent plastic with a chemical intake-filter to absorb excess COa. It's not so bad as a regular oxygen mask, which pinches the bridge of your nose, but it's bother enough. You also spend your life in high rubber boots because of the mud.

	So, picture our little camp with its air-tight tents, its chemical stove (since the native plants won't burn in that damp low-oxygen atmosphere) and the area where the scientists sorted and cleaned their specimens — the whole place swimming in slimy mud. Beyond, in all directions, a monotonous dark-green Wall of vegetation, things like giant rushes and asparagus spears without any real leaves.

	And noise! Day and night, the animals kept up an awful racket of croaking, grunting, cheeping, bellowing, and burping. Mating calls, I suppose. If you looked carefully, you could sometimes see one of the grunters, usually nothing but a dark, shiny blob in the water.

	The arthropods are like our insects, except that most are big two-winged things with only four legs. They look a little like flying spiders, and they get into everything. Some of them bite, too. They probably die of indigestion afterwards, but that doesn't help the Earthman.

	Then, overhead is this hazy atmosphere that makes Keid look like an orange blob when you can see it. Mostly it's overcast, with a wind that blows from the northeast day and night, fifteen to twenty miles an hour. Once in a while a cloud drops a shower, but there are no really violent storms.

	I soon learned that the expedition's secretary and youngest member, that is to say Roy Laskaris, was also the errand boy and handyman. We worked like fiends, sloshing around with a couple of pounds of mud on our boots; scrape it off, and it was back in a few minutes.

	A couple of the biggest animals, the size of a crocodile, wandered into the camp and had to be shot to keep them from eating us with those triangular mouths that are standard on Suomian vertebrates. After that, a little electrified fence, a foot high, kept out all vertebrates big enough to be dangerous.

	Winthrop Fish pitched in and worked like a beaver at the chores of the camp. In fact, he did more than I. Despite his pale unhealthy look, he was strong as a bull, while I was kind of skinny and under-muscled, though I got pretty well hardened by the time I'd been on three expeditions.

	The work tapered off after the twelfth day, when we got the automatic apparatus set up. After that, I was kept busy by the scientists, who dumped mountains of records on me for typing and filing: sheets of illegible notes, index cards, slides, labels, and reports.

	There was still a lot of dirty work: cooking, cleaning up, burying specimens that had decayed beyond use, and so on. May tried to make the pilots and engineers responsible for this, but they all proved lazy or fumble-fingered. In the end Fish and I did most of this work. Fish tried hard to conquer his ophidiophobia and got so he could pick up a dead legless amphibian and bury it, though at first it made him pale and trembly to do so. Sander helped the bacteriologist.

	The pilots and engineers, all six, drew apart from the rest of the expedition. Constant was the natural leader of that group, being the biggest and most aggressive. Their loafing didn't make for good feelings. One evening at dinner in the main tent, May as usual asked for everybody's opinion. Winthrop Fish burst out:

	"Look here, Professor, me and Roy have been doing all the gaw damn chores while the crew sit on their fat duffs playing penny-ante and making cracks at us. I don't mind hard work, but things ought to be shared more — more fairly, huh? I know you're the boss, but if I'm furnishing the dough I oughtn't to do all the dirty work." He was waving his arms and spraying by the time he finished.

	The crew all started talking at once, each bragging about some chore he'd done a couple of days before. Harry Constant yawned and scratched his scalp and said:

	"Sure, we've been working. He just don't know what's going on. He walks around muttering to himself —"

	Then little Doc Sander, who was usually so quiet you never noticed him, broke in. He said: "That's enough, Harry!"

	"Why?" said Constant, looking innocent.

	"Well — uh," said Sander.

	"We'll settle this now," said May. "No gambling — or any game-playing — during working hours."

	The crew groaned. Constant said: "Aw, hell! This is the biggest bore I've been on. No dames, no liquor, can't smoke because of using up the atmosphere-filters, and now we can't even play cards. My God! What a bluenose you turned out to be!" He got up and pulled his hood over his head. "Let's go out and listen to the froggies croak, guys. Nothing else to do."

	The trouble simmered down for a while. The crew did work harder, so Winthrop Fish and I got ahead of our work and found ourselves with nothing to do until the scientists piled up some more specimens. Fish said to me at breakfast:

	"Roy old boy, let's go out for a little hunt today, whaddaya say whaddaya say? I haven't fired a gaw damn shot since we been here. Let's take a shotgun for specimens and a rifle in case we run into those naupredas. Whaddaya say, huh?" He pounded me on the back.

	"You two be careful. Liable to get lost," said May. "Here's a sketch map, and don't get out of sight of the flag."

	We'd put up a telescoping aluminum flagpole with a big American flag on top, not just for patriotism but to give a landmark. In that flat landscape you could see it from quite a distance, provided you found a tree you could climb without its collapsing under you and dropping you into a bog.

	Fish said: "Say, Professor, how about giving us a couple of those phosphorus bombs in case we meet naupredas? Whaddaya say, huh?"

	"No," said May. "You can run away from them if you do meet them. Saving the grenades in case a column heads toward camp."

	So Fish and I took our guns and started out with our plastic hoods over our heads and big collecting bags on our backs. I soon knew why we didn't have to worry about getting out of sight of the flag. In the first place, when you sink up to your calves in mud, you don't walk very fast. In the second, the ground was so cut up with ponds that you had to walk three times the straight-line distance to get anywhere. And the fact that the gravity is about three per cent less than ours doesn't help much.

	We followed the isthmus in front of the camp and went on to a big swamp beyond it. This swamp was part of the Beebe River, into which the lakes drained. But the Beebe is so sluggish and spreads out into so many arms and bays and swamps that you can't tell which way it's flowing without a map.

	Finally, that short day fools you, even after you should have gotten used to it. We had to hurry home with our bags only half full so as not to be nighted in the swamps.

	Aside from collecting some small specimens with the shotgun, there wasn't anything special about that little hunt. Still, I got a good look into Winthrop Fish's character. He talked a lot, but, since we both wore hoods, he couldn't spray me with spit. I learned that, though he never finished secondary school, he was well-read, especially in the literature of the outdoors, hunting, and natural history.

	The trouble was, he couldn't do anything with all the many facts he'd picked up. Instead of reasons or principles, his mind was stuffed with childish prejudices, cliches, and cant phrases. You know the sort of thing: All women are predatory and treacherous; all Greeks (meaning me) are sharp bargainers; all politicians are crooks; and so on. He really believed all these things, and it did no good to argue. For instance, every time we saw an animal that might be a carnivore he'd shoot it, whether we already had specimens or not. He called it ridding the country of predators to protect the game, though the planet lacked anything we'd call game.

	"I've always shot every gaw damn lousy predator and I'll always shoot every gaw damn lousy predator!" he shouted, waving his arms. "Crows, hawks, wildcats, everything like that. I kill 'em all!"

	I'd picked up a smattering of ecology from the scientists and tried to argue about the place of carnivores in a well-balanced fauna. Fish only yelled louder:

	"I'll kill 'em all! They're cruel and destructive! The trouble with you, Roy old boy old boy, is you're too soft-hearted for this kind of work." He punched me in a joshing way, nearly breaking my arm, and went on: "You've never been in God's great outdoors like I have! Hunting and fishing, that's the sport for a real man! The strenuous life! Lemme tell you about the time ..."

	After he'd rambled on about some pointless hunting anecdote he said: "And you ought to see some of my trophies at home! I've got a house, you know, in Westchester County. Big barn of a place I rattle around in, all alone except for the cook and the butler and the gardener and the maid. Ever since my wife ran off with the kid ..."

	He stopped talking to push a handkerchief up under the edge of his hood and wipe away the tears.

	"Never trust a woman, old crumb!" he said. "They're all fickle and treacherous, like the good book says! I did once, and look what happened to me. If my lawyer hadn't dug up evidence, why, she'd have skinned me to the bone, old fruit; absolutely to the bone.

	"But looky here, after we get back to earth, you gotta come see me. I ain't got many real friends, you know, in spite of the twenty-room house. I'll show you my heads, and that record salmon — well, anyway — what was I talking about? Oh, yah, I got a swimming pool too. If you haven't got a car of your own you can use one of mine. Whaddaya say, huh? Say you'll come see me, Roy! I'm alone so gaw damn much!"

	He was kneading my arm with those steel fingers, and I saw he was really pleading. I said: "Sure, Winthrop, I'll be glad to come." I said it with mental reservations. I don't think he had homosexual tendencies, but you have to watch out whom you get involved with.

	He slapped me on the back and nearly knocked me on my face in the mud. "I knew you would!" he yelled. "We'll have a real swell time, huh? Now let's knock off some of these gaw damn predators!"

	I got the impression of a man whose personality had stopped growing at nine or ten, but who was still basically a kindly, well-meaning, lonely fellow for all his oddities. I asked:

	"Winthrop, why did Doc Sander shush Harry Constant when he remarked about your habit of talking to yourself the other day?"

	He giggled and looked at me with a funny expression, like a small child trying to be crafty. "Well, uh," he said, "I ain't supposed to talk about that. But since you're gonna be one of my few real friends, Roy old boy, I'll say in confidence I've been pretty sick in recent years. Yah, quite sick. And good old Doc doesn't want my nerves upset,. on account it's liable to bring on a relapse."

	Well, darling, in all my three expeditions I never felt purer horror than I did then. Here was I, in the middle of millions of square miles of mud and swamp, shut in by these, monotonous dark-green tree-mosses nodding their heads in that monotonous northeast wind, listening to the monotonous grunting and chirping of a million slimy amphibians. Now in addition I found I was alone with a man who'd been "sick," only I suspected what kind of sickness it was. If the naupredas didn't swarm over us in a slimy mass and devour us, Winthrop Fish would do something awful to wreck the expedition. And what could one do to the expedition's financial backer?

	At the same time, I couldn't help liking the fellow. I'd always taken a dim view of loonies. But Winthrop Fish was like a child or a dog that's always doing something wrong and then slobbering over you and wondering why you're angry.

	I tried to pump him further about his illness. But he clammed up on that subject and talked about hunting and fishing until we got back.

	We gave the scientists our specimens and headed for our tents to lie down for a few minutes before dinner. I'd just gotten my second boot off when I heard the most god-awful shriek. I looked out to see Winthrop Fish bounding out of his tent, not stopping to fasten the flap to keep the air inside conditioned, or even to pull his hood over his head. He was yelling his fool head off:

	"It's got me! It's after me! Help! Get a gun!" Everybody jumped up. Fish ran the length of the camp, tripped over a tent peg and fell, got up covered with mud, and ran off in another direction. This time he tripped over the electrified fence, broke one of the wires, and got a shock. He got up screeching like a banshee and started off on another run. He was hollering and giggling and crying all at once. This time he made for the equipment tent. Doc Sander called: "Stop him, somebody!" I took a couple of steps and sank into the mud in my socks. While I hesitated, Fish popped into the equipment tent, came out with the rifle we'd been carrying, and blazed away at his and Sander's tent.

	He got two shots off, right in the middle of that crowded little camp, when Maier the zoologist brought him down with a football tackle and Radek the geologist twisted the gun out of his hands. It took four men to hold him down, and it was just luck he hadn't killed anybody.

	All this time instead of helping, Harry Constant and Phil O'Sullivan were staggering around, laughing like crazy men and slapping each other on the back. O'Sullivan was a nice little man, but he worshipped Constant and did anything he suggested.

	Sander came running with his hypodermic and pushed through the crowd around Fish. Presently Jake Radek ran to the Fish-Sander tent, went in, and came out dragging a dead ten-foot ptyssus. That's Ptyssus kuritae, an eel-like creature that climbs trees and drops on passers-by like an anaconda. Fish had found the thing coiled up on his cot in a lifelike attitude, with its three jaws propped open to show the fangs. In the dim light in his tent, he almost sat on it before he noticed it. His horror of snakes did the rest.

	We had to patch the bullet holes before the tent was usable. Winthrop Fish went in to lie down. When Sander came out he said:

	"He'll sleep till tomorrow. I want to talk to all of you at dinner."

	When I had served dinner (it being my turn) Sander looked around the tent and said: "I take it you had something to do with this, Harry?"

	"No, sir, not a thing," said Constant with a grin. I don't think anybody believed him. Sander said:

	"Well, whoever played that joke had better not do it again. Winthrop is a person of very precarious health. One more joke like that might have unpredictable results."

	"Such as?" said Constant.

	"Death, maybe," said Sander.

	"What do you mean, Doc?" said Harry. "That was only a harmless little joke. A man's got to do something to keep from being bored to death."

	"Not to Winthrop Fish, it wasn't harmless," said Sander.

	May spoke up: "Guess you'd better tell the whole story, Ed. Only way to make these jokers know what they're doing."

	Sander said: "Good lord, I couldn't do that! It would be a professional indiscretion —"

	"Ed!" said May. "You tell them! Harry's a pretty good pilot, but on any subject outside of space flight he hasn't got one brain-cell to rub against the next. Got to spell it out."

	"But that would be unethical," bleated Sander, "and would make me liable —"

	"As leader I order you," said May. "Emergency. I'll take responsibility."

	They argued some more, but Sander gave in. Otis May can be a very compelling guy. So Sander, looking unhappy, told us the tale:

	"Winthrop Fish" (he said) "inherited one of the big American fortunes. His mother wisely put it in a trust fund so he can't waste it, though he's not really extravant considering his opportunities. His father died several years ago in Olympia Sanitarium, near White Plains. Involutional melancholia, resulting in suicide.

	"Winthrop also showed a disturbed personality from an early age. He was a borderline schizophrenic. That means he might go along for decades without doing any harm, but under heavy stress he'd have a schizoid break. Rich schizophrenics sometimes live out their lives without a single break, because their money cushions them against stresses."

	Constant said: "You mean you're that kind of doctor?"

	"I'm a psychiatrist, if that's what you mean," said Sander.

	"But you've been doctoring us like a regular — you know —"said Constant.

	Sander said: "A psychiatrist has to be an M.D. first. Though he never got past the tenth grade, Winthrop did fairly well until he married in his late twenties. He married a prostitute — a real hard-boiled professional, with no heart of gold such as they sometimes have in fiction. She was out to get some of the Fish millions by any feasible method. She bore him one child and then the ménage began to deteriorate. She nagged him until he buried himself in books. She screeched at him day and night. I don't know if she was trying to drive him over the edge, at least on the conscious level, but that was the effect. He began to break; he got violent; she fled the house with the child. They had one of those complex and scandalous litigations. The tabloids had a saturnalia. In the end, they were divorced. She got a modest settlement, and he landed in Olympia.

	"He was showing hebephrenic symptoms —"

	"What does that mean?" I asked.

	"It's the form of schizophrenia that results in silly, witless behavior. You know, the comical lunatic who's always laughing inopportunely. There were also unsystematized delusions.

	"Now, hebephrenia has always had a poor prognosis. It quickly becomes aggravated and results in complete withdrawal from reality and disorganization of the personality. They end up with forced feeding, inability to control excretory functions, etcetera. At Olympia, however, we'd been working on a new attack, mostly chemico-therapeutic. We gave it to Winthrop, and soon his pattern ceased deteriorating and began to re-integrate. After a year, he seemed almost as competent as before the break, so we let him out of

	Olympia and put him back in his house. His mother had died, and he therefore suffered from solitude, but otherwise he managed.

	"He'd long wished to back an interstellar expedition. He could well afford it, and one of the components of his stress is a feeling of worthlessness, because neither he nor his father had been able to complete an education or work at a regular job. Therefore I thought it would be a valuable therapy to let him do it, and would advance the cause of science —"

	Constant interrupted: "You're telling me, Doc, that you'd send a looney on a dangerous expedition like this, just because you head-shrinkers think it might get him over some psychosis?"

	"Well, that's one way to put it, but —"

	"And you call Fish nuts!" Constant shouted. "Why, damn your eyes, if you aren't the biggest looney of all — risking our lives because of some fool psychiatric theory —"

	May hollered: "That'll do from you, Harry. You're not making the policy of this expedition." Then everybody yelled at once.

	May shouted the rest down and said: "Don't care who thinks who is nuts. I'm telling you what you shall do. Want to complain about it, wait till we get back to earth. Meanwhile, no more pranks, jokes, jests, japes, or any of that nonsense. On a strange planet like this, a practical joke is the most impractical thing you can do. You saw that this afternoon. I mean you too, Harry. Understand me?"

	Constant mumbled an agreement, and we broke up.

-

	Things might have simmered down if Constant had had the sense to keep his mouth shut, but then he'd have been somebody else. Winthrop Fish was up late next morning, looking much the same but quieter. One of the crewmen had fried the bacon and went around the table in the main tent forking it out. Constant finished breakfast when Fish was just starting.

	Constant stood up, slapped his big belly, and said: "Don't give him that long piece, Walter; he'll think it's a snake and throw a fit." Then he laughed and went out.

	Fish sat for three seconds as if he'd been turned to stone. Then he tore out of the tent after Constant. I heard him scream: "So it was you, you bastard!" and then the sound of fists.

	We all rushed out, pulling our hoods on. There was Harry Constant lying in the mud with his face bloody, and Winthrop Fish standing over him shouting: "Get up, you gaw damn swine!"

	Fish's knuckles were bloody, too. Constant outweighed Fish by twenty or thirty pounds and was younger, but Fish was too fast for him when he got stirred up.

	Constant groaned and sat up. One punch had flattened his nose and another had cut his lip. He stuck a hand inside his hood and felt around in his mouth. Then he mumbled:

	"By God, you broke one of my teeth! I'll kill you for that!"

	He started to get up, but everybody grabbed the two of them and pulled them apart. May said:

	"If you don't call it off, as leader I'll have you both tied up. Now cool down. Apologize, both of you: one for the joke and one for the hits!"

	There was a lot of growling of threats and insults, but in time they calmed down and even shook hands. Sander took Constant into the medical tent to fix his face.

	A few hours later I was surprised to see Fish and Constant in what looked like friendly conversation. Fish said:

	"Gee, Harry, I wouldn't have busted your tooth for anything. I only meant to give you a couple of little lumps."

	"Guess you don't know your own strength," said Constant.

	"Yah, that's right. Tell you what. As soon as we get back, you go to the best dentist in New York to have bridgework put in, and charge it to me. Whaddaya say, huh? Please, promise you will."

	I didn't catch Constant's reply, but then he spoke in a normal voice while Fish always either shouted or talked in a conspiratorial whisper. Constant, however, seemed to be grinning through his bandages.

-

	For a couple of days, the scientists got ahead of me, so I was too busy with records to keep track of Winthrop Fish. I did notice that Harry Constant seemed more bored and restless than usual, getting in the scientists' hair and asking silly questions.

	One morning I saw Harry Constant, Winthrop Fish, and Phil O'Sullivan all going out together with a rifle and a shotgun, much as Fish and I had gone out a few days before. I went about my business until a couple of hours later, when these three appeared running madly towards the camp.

	All I know about this collecting-trip is from the stories of those who were on it, mostly the story of Phil O'Sullivan.

	It seems Constant got O'Sullivan aside that morning and suggested a wonderful joke on Fish. O'Sullivan was dubious, in the light of Sander's revelations and May's orders, but Constant could talk him into anything. I don't know how much this stunt was motivated by Constant's broad sense of humor — sadistic sense of humor, I should say — and how much by the wish for revenge.

	The first step was to steal one of the phosphorus grenades from their box in the equipment tent. Of course May had said those were to be saved for emergencies, but a little thing like that never stopped Harry Constant.

	They'd follow the isthmus between the two lakes in front of the camp and go on to the nearest branch of the Beebe. There, there was a kind of dome of mud that some of the little amphibians had built as a communal nest. Constant would point that out as a colony of the deadly naupredas. Then he'd throw the grenade at it and yell:

	"Run for your lives! They're swarming out! They're headed this way like a million slimy snakes!"

	Fish would fall into a panic and race back to camp yelling the alarm, while the other two followed at their leisure and laughed themselves sick.

	Up to the point of throwing the grenade, everything worked out. What the pilots hadn't noticed was that about five yards from the mud dome was a real colony of naupredas, the spherical membrane that forms around the colony just showing above the water like the back of a whale.

	Constant threw his bomb and yelled: "Run for your lives! They're swarming — by God, they are swarming! This is no joke!"

	The grenade went off with a big burst of streamers of white smoke. A lot of particles of phosphorus struck the membrane, burned through it instantly, and aroused the naupredas, which were probably getting ready to burst their bag and set out on a march anyway. In ten seconds the swamp was alive with thousands of wriggling naupredas, from babies a couple of feet long up to oldsters of fifteen or twenty feet, all writhing along and opening and closing those three-cornered mouths.

	The other animals instantly changed the tune of their grunting and croaking and squeaking, and the swamp came alive with slimy wrigglers and crawlers and hoppers, all getting away as fast as they could.

	The three men took one look and ran. On hard level ground, a column of naupredas would be easy to run from, as they don't go faster than a fast walk. But on Suomi, where you sink up to your knees every few steps, or fall in a hole full of water, or have to climb over or squirm under fallen trunks, and push through clumps of giant reeds, it's something else.

	When they were halfway to camp, O'Sullivan, being last, looked back and saw that the ribbon of wrigglers, three or four yards wide, was gaining. He dropped the shotgun to make more speed. Constant was number one with Fish close behind him.

	Then Fish, who had the rifle, stopped and waved O'Sullivan past him. He panted: "Gwan — I'll shoot — rouse camp ..."

	O'Sullivan was too terrified to argue. Fish began shooting at the leading naupredas as fast as he could work the bolt. It didn't bother the naupredas, which are such a low form of life that you have to be awfully lucky to kill one with a rifle shot. But the shooting roused the camp.

	Everybody dropped what he was doing. The croaking and chirping of the animals seemed louder than usual. We were all looking at the woods beyond the isthmus when Constant and O'Sullivan ran out. As they got closer they waved their arms and shouted but were too short of breath to say anything we could understand.

	They were halfway across the isthmus when Fish appeared. He'd dropped the rifle when he'd emptied the magazine and now was gaining on the others fast, so they reached the camp only a few jumps ahead of him. I never saw a man run so strongly, especially through mud in heavy boots.

	Constant went right through the camp. He shouted something and kept on towards the ship. O'Sullivan stopped long enough to say to May: "Naupredas coming — come to the ship — lock ourselves in ..." Then he ran on too.

	We looked at one another. If this were another of Constant's jokes we didn't want to be taken in. But, if naupredas were on the way, we didn't want to abandon the camp to them if we could help it. Even if we got to the ship, they'd swarm over everything and eat our specimens, and what they didn't break or upset they'd cover with slime. The electrified fence wouldn't stop a swarm like that.

	Before we could make up our minds — not more than a couple of seconds, really — Fish ran into the camp. This time he jumped over the electrified fence. He ran to the equipment tent, skidded on the mud, and came out with his arms full of the carton of phosphorus grenades.

	We weren't looking at him because a swarm of minor slimy things had come out of the woods. Some plunged into the lakes while others scuttled and hopped along the isthmus towards us. Behind them came the column of naupredas, wriggling along like some horrible living carpet. Whenever a naupreda caught one of the little wigglers it would halt to gulp it down while the others flowed .over and past it. The column followed the isthmus towards the camp.

	The camp burst into action. All the scientists ran for the specimens and instruments they most valued. The crewmen lit out for the ship. May and Sander rushed into the equipment tent and lugged out the flame thrower.

	Meantime Fish, leaping over the fence again, ran back to the isthmus, yelling: "Gaw damn sissies! I'll show 'em!"

	He got to where it narrowed, so the naupredas couldn't get past him unless they took to the water; In their marching stage they prefer land. May, lugging one end of the flame thrower, yelled:

	"Winthrop! Come back! You'll be killed! You're in our way!"

	For May couldn't spray jellied gasoline from the flame thrower with Fish right between him and the column. Fish gave no sign of hearing. Instead, he set down the carton and picked up a grenade. He threw it at the naupredas, about thirty feet away. The little hoppers and crawlers scuttled past his legs.

	The grenade didn't go off. He threw another, which didn't go off either. May groaned: "He's not pulling the pins!"

	And so he wasn't, because May had never shown us how to

	 work the grenades. He hadn't shown us for fear Fish would start experimenting. Some of us had an idea how these bombs worked without having to be told, but not Winthrop Fish.

	When his second bomb failed to explode, I guess he knew something was wrong. While the naupredas swarmed nearer, he picked up another grenade and turned it over. He had his back to us so nobody got a clear view. MacAuliffe, the meteorologist, was off to one side. He says he saw Fish pull the pin from the grenade, fumble with the bomb, and drop it into the box at his feet.

	Some thought he might have done it on purpose, as the naupredas were so close that a phosphorus burst on the head of the column would have gotten Fish too. But I think he was just being his usual disorganized self.

	There was a terrific explosion, not all at once, but taking maybe half a second, br-r-r-oomp!, like that. The whole isthmus and Winthrop Fish disappeared in a huge white cloud of phosphorus trails. Some of the burning phosphorus fell inside our perimeter, though nobody was hit.

	The wind carried the cloud away, and the sputter of burning particles of phosphorus that covered the ground from the camp to the other end of the isthmus died down. The far end of the isthmus was covered with burned naupredas, some writhing and others dead. At the edge of the woods, where the rest of the column was still streaming out, the leaders halted at the smell, so they piled up in a great writhing mass. Then the column turned and streamed off along the far shore of one of the lakes.

	We never did need the flame thrower. The naupredas kept on away from the camp, and we never saw that swarm again.

	There was hardly enough left of Winthrop Fish to bury. Sander said that, while a phosphorus burn is one of the most painful injuries, Fish probably didn't have time to know he was hurt.

	Constant and O'Sullivan came down the ship's ladder and back to camp. To give them credit, they at least acted ashamed. They'd run, while the poor nitwit they'd been baiting died like a hero. I'm sure we all thought somebody ought to beat the tar out of them, or at least out of Constant. But, as he was the biggest and strongest man in the party, nobody did.

	For that matter, I think some of us wouldn't have minded a little quiet murder. But, without the pilots, how could we get back to earth? We couldn't even fire them when we got home, as their contracts ended then anyway, though the official reports of the expedition did ruin their careers as space pilots.

	As Kurt Maier remarked in Constant's hearing: "Even if he was a looney, I liked him. Better than some saner people."

	And Radek added: "But can a man be sane who plays a joke on a psychotic, after he's been warned?"

	Anyway, darling, that's why I won't take a practical joke. Ever. You see, they're not really practical at all.

-

In-Group

	Ali Moyang was leading his party, gun ready, when he saw the bundle of clothes lying on the trail ahead. He held up a hand in warning and trotted forward until he stood over the bundle.

	The bundle resolved itself into a man lying unconscious but still breathing in a rattling and irregular way. The man was nearly a head taller than Ali Moyang's stocky frame. He was unarmed, though a small canvas knapsack lay beside him. He obviously belonged to the white race, with a lobster-red skin, graying red hair, a close-cut red mustache, and a stubble of red whiskers covering his large red face. He bore the sagging look of a man who had been on the fat side but who had worked most of the fat off in a crucial struggle that had left him exhausted almost to death.

	Ali thought, the fellow couldn't have been there long or he would have been stepped on by an uyedna or eaten by a ftom or otherwise maltreated by the unfriendly fauna of the planet Kterem, or 61 Cygni A VI.

	The treasure hunter shook the recumbent man by the shoulder until the big body rolled over on to its back. Then Moyang unscrewed his canteen and dribbled a little water into the half-open mouth. The red man coughed, sputtered, and opened bleary blue eyes.

	"Qui etes ..." he croaked, then changed to Anglo-Ter-ran: "Who are you?"

	Moyang's slanting black eyes narrowed still further. "Suppose you tell me who you are first."

	"My name is Bertin. Charles Bertin."

	"What?" Moyang could not quite catch the man's mumble. "Professor Charles Bertin, of the University of Liege. Does that satisfy you?"

	"How did you get here?"

	"My — 'copter crashed. May I have — some more water?"

	Moyang extended the canteen, asking: "What were you doing flying around the Jiltak region? You know you're stuck if you're forced down."

	"I was — looking over the site of Zhovacim."

	At the sound of the name of the ruined city, Moyang's hand jerked so that he splashed a little of the water into Ber-tin's face. Behind him, on the trail, his partners Ma and Peterson exchanged glances, while the four baggage-bearing Kteremians showed no legible expression on their unhuman faces.

	"What were you going to do there?" said Moyang. "Scientific work."

	"What kind?"

	"Archeological stuff. You know, digging."

	"Unh," said Moyang, staring at Bertin in honest perplexity. While he did not wish to leave the fellow to die on the trail, to have some scientific crackpot horning in on his, Moyang's, enterprise at this stage was about the most inconvenient thing that could have happened. He persisted:

	"Why were you flying, then? You can't dig from the air."

	'That was to come later. This was a preliminary recon, to make sure there were no — unfriendly people or things hiding in the ruins before going in on foot."

	The water was loosening Bertin's desiccated vocal organs so that the words came faster and more clearly with each sentence.

	"Were there any?" asked Moyang. "No. Not that I saw at least."

	"Where are you based?"

	Bertin began heaving himself to his feet, joint by joint. As

	Moyang caught the big man's elbow to help him up, Bertin answered the last question: "Hadal."

	"Oh!" said Moyang. "You're friendly with the Fshi?"

	Bertin gave an expressive shrug, his hands, shoulders, and eyebrows all rising at once. "As friendly as one can get with another species. I was headed back towards Hadal when I collapsed. And thank you many times for saving my life. If I can help you in any way ..."

	"I think you can," said Moyang.

	"Ah?"

	"Yes. Get us into Hadal. You know, introduce us to the chief with a good recommendation."

	"Very well. Would it be too much to ask what you are after?"

	As he spoke, Bertin picked up his knapsack. The augmented party began to move along the trail again, slowly because Bertin tottered rather than walked.

	Moyang looked slantwise at his rescuee. "You'll learn."

	"Well, at least tell me who you are. I should be able to call you something better than 'Hey you!'"

	"I don't mind. I'm Ali Moyang, and these are my partners, Ma Shuan-di and Silas Peterson."

	As Bertin ducked his large head in acknowledgment, Moyang continued: "Haven't you got a gun?"

	"Yes, but I forgot it."

	"Forgot it?"

	"Yes, I am ashamed to say. I was so excited about seeing Zhovacim for the first time that I forgot to load it into my machine."

	Peterson snickered and said: "Dope."

	Bertin continued in a defensive tone: "Anyway I did not expect to crash. It was one of those tsestni."

	He gave the native name for one of the small but violent whirlwinds, like miniature tornadoes, which the climatic conditions of the planet engendered. Then he looked sharply at Moyang, observing the stocky, well-knit frame, the flat yellow-brown face, the coarse straight black hair.

	"Malayan or Indonesian?" he said.

	Moyang nodded curtly, though his feeling towards Bertin was not unfriendly. The fact of having saved the man's life had built a bond of sorts between them. And, while the fellow seemed somewhat of a fool like all these brainy persons, his manner was pleasant enough in a naive way.

	But Ali Moyang was conditioned by experience not to open up to strangers more than was necessary. Moyang only hoped that, when the professor learned of his objective, he would not make things difficult.

	The long Kteremian day was well advanced when Moyang had come upon the fallen Bertin. When, after another two slow kilometers, Ma pointed out a good camping place, Moyang did not object to stopping.

	Moyang took a package from one of the Kteremians, opened it, and extracted a Cohen tent. This was no bigger than a book when folded, but was soon erected into a structure big enough to hold all four Earthmen. He set the transparency control to full, so that the tent was a mere filmy shimmer veiling its spidery guy-wires. From another pouch he brought out a pocket-sized atomic air-conditioner which he attached to a loop that hung down from the peak. When the little machine began to hum, a delicious coolness made itself felt in the tent.

	As the Kteremian helpers prepared the meal and handed it round, Bertin said: "I cannot contribute because I had eaten all my emergency rations — but now that I think, there is something ..."

	The big man fumbled in his knapsack and brought out an ornate half-liter bottle.

	"Brandy, by God!" cried Peterson. "It was a lucky day we found you, Mr. Bertin."

	Bertin passed the bottle around. When his turn came, Moyang looked suspiciously at the cognac bottle. Drinking had never been among his vices. But then, he was tired, too, and might as well defer to the spirit of the occasion. They all had something to celebrate: Bertin for having had his life saved; the treasure hunters for having found a man who could give them entree to the village of the little-known Fshi. He drank.

	With tongues loosened, a discussion arose: that old camp-fire standby about the best means of transportation for exploring the surface of Kterem. Bertin was a flying enthusiast. Peterson objected that the tsestni made it too hazardous; that mules were the logical answer. Moyang complained that mules could not live on the native vegetation, but sickened and died if they tried, and that therefore so much of their load had to be devoted to fodder that they had no capacity left for payload. Therefore one's own two feet, while slow and laborious, were the one sure means of locomotion. Ma suggested taming and breeding some suitable native species ...

	When the brandy was gone, Moyang leaned back with a benign expression on his usually impassive face. He felt so benign, in fact, that when Bertin again asked him what he was after, he lazily replied:

	"Oh, I suppose you'll learn sooner or later. We're after the treasure of Zhovacim."

	"But —"said Bertin sharply, then fell silent, chewing the ends of his mustache.

	"Yes?" said Moyang.

	"What does this treasure consist of?"

	"As I got the story from old Mendelius before he died, there are about a million sheets of gold inscribed with the records of the old kingdom of Zhovac, just waiting for somebody to take them. What do you know about it?"

	Bertin nodded. "I talked to Mendelius too, and I have seen one of the sheets, in the chief's hut in Hadal."

	"Do the Fshi go up there?"

	"No, they are afraid to."

	"Some tribal superstition?"

	"Yes. But Mendelius brought this one sheet down and left it because he was too old to carry the extra weight."

	"Are they heavy?" asked Moyang.

	"Surprisingly so. What are you planning to do with these sheets?"

	"Turn them into bullion."

	Bertin paled under his redness and said in a strained voice: "There is a law about antiquities."

	"Oh, that. When a mass of gold is melted up you can't tell what it was originally, and a cut will take care of nosey officials."

	"Those sheets are of enormous scientific value, and you would melt them up for some lousy gold?"

	"What do you mean, lousy gold? It's still money on this planet."

	"You cannot take it back to Terra; the freight would eat up most of the value, and all gold is controlled there —"

	"Who said anything about going back to Terra? I've got two wives and six children to support in Sveho, right here on Kterem."

	Moyang scowled at the professor, his benignity evaporating. The man was going to be difficult after all. Ali Moyang had come across this type before: people who were solemnly fanatical about some abstract idea like law or history or science, subjects about which he knew little and cared less.

	Bertin persisted: "But the scientific importance —"

	"What's that worth on the open market? Can you get me a better offer for these sheets than I could get for them as raw gold?"

	"N-no; there is no appropriation I can think of ..."

	"Well then?"

	"But," said Bertin, "you will never be able to carry this through."

	"Why not?"

	"You cannot work through the summer, which will soon be upon us; and by next autumn Zhovacim will have been declared a protected site."

	"Why can't I work through the dry season?" Moyang felt a rising urge to tell this oversized fathead off. Europeans always thought they knew it all.

	"Because in the Jiltak region the temperature goes up almost to the boiling point of water during the day. And you cannot estivate like the Kteremians. I was going to pull out in a few days myself."

	Moyang pointed to his little air-conditioner, humming away above their heads. "We'll spend our days asleep in our tent and work at night by searchlights. By the time your bureaucrats get around to putting Zhovacim on the reserved list, we'll have gone over the place like a vacuum cleaner."

	Bertin said: "Look, Moyang. Cannot I make you understand the importance —"

	"Importance of what? What's so remarkable about a lot of sheets of gold with ancient scratches on them?"

	"They have — or so I hope — the whole history of the kingdom of Zhovac, for a thousand Kteremian years! Pre-Hrata history! Since Alphonse Klein deciphered the Hrata Picto-graphic script a few years ago, we can read a good part of the Zhovac writing, from which the Hrata Pictographic evolved."

	"Who cares? If you like history, there is more Terran history alone, not to mention the other civilized planets, than anybody could read in a lifetime."

	"But damn it, this is knowledge! If those sheets are melted —"

	Moyang's voice rose also. "You educated people make me tired. None of you ever does an honest day's work. I don't mind your fooling around with your history and science and all those fool games, but when you interfere with a man who's trying to make a more or less honest living —"

	Bertin's big red fists clenched. "Before I let some ignorant grippe-sou destroy those relics, I would —"

	"You'd what?" said Moyang in a softly dangerous voice.

	Bertin mastered his emotions. "Never mind. Let us talk of something more pleasant."

	"Oh, sure. How about these Fshi?"

	"What about them?"

	"I've heard various rumors: that they're harmless and friendly, or that they're dangerous and treacherous. Which is right?"

	Bertin shrugged. "As Kteremian primitives go, they are not bad fellows. It depends on how you stand with them."

	"How do you mean?"

	"Whether, that is, you acquire the status of a member of the in-group."

	"The what?"

	Moyang began to fear that he was in for a lecture. That was the trouble with people like Bertin. Ask a simple question, and you get a string of technical terms no plain man can understand.

	The red man's manner subtly acquired a professorial tinge. "In anthropology and anthropoidology, we recognize the concept of the in-group and the out-group. A Fshi does not divide the animal kingdom into Kteremians, other native vertebrates, human beings, and so on. Or rather he does, but only in a rudimentary way. The important distinction for them is between a Fshi, which means a member of the in-group, 'one of us,' and a tuzatsha, which means any animal — any active organism — that is not a Fshi, including Terrans and members of other Kteremian tribes. And while the Fshi are quite upright and altruistic towards other Fshi, they regard all tuzatsha as more or less fair game."

	"Then why haven't they speared and eaten you?" asked Peterson.

	"Oh, they are not anthropophagous, nor are they actively hostile to all tuzatsha — only to those whom they fear, such as the carnivorous ftom, or their enemies the Znaci. I was describing their mental attitude. You will not have any serious difficulty with them, though right now they are a little noisy and boisterous."

	"Why are they?" asked Moyang.

	"They are preparing for their mating season." Bertin yawned. "Do you mind if I sleep now? I have just had one of the worst days of my life."

	When Bertin was snoring, Moyang assigned watches to Peterson and Ma, saying: "Watch that he doesn't get his hands on a gun."

	"Yeah," said Peterson. "You can't trust these fanatics."

-

	Hadal was like other Kteremian villages except that, being too far from the Terran center of Sveho, it had not been touched by the exotic cultural radiation from that city and therefore was not contaminated by television aerials projecting from the roofs of the huts, rusty automobiles parked beside them, and Kteremians wearing grotesque imitations of earthly clothing over their feathery pelts.

	Sounds of iron-working came from the smithy, and a pervasive smell of garbage and ordure from everywhere. The village seemed unduly crowded for its size. The Fshi had flowers and other ornaments bound to their heads, necks, and limbs.

	The chief of Hadal, whom Bertin introduced as Vitse2, came out to meet them with an honor guard of spearmen and crossbowmen. Moyang noted Bertin's fluency in the use of the Fshi language. Its only imperfection was that the whistles (represented in transcription by numerals) were not so sharp and distinct as in the speech of native Kteremians. Bertin was hardly to be blamed, since he did not have the great pink Kteremian incisor teeth to whistle through.

	Nevertheless, Moyang, who had always gotten along well enough with trade-pidgin and a smattering of the language group of which Fshi was a dialect, did not admire Bertin for his linguistic skill. It was the sort of accomplishment for which he had no use.

	The fields around the village provided a break in the everlasting forest. A group of Fshi were going over one of these fields with rakes and a roller to smooth it off. Over the tops of the trees Moyang could see the mountain peak of Spatril. Two-thirds of the way up its slope, a slight discoloration turned out through his binoculars to be the ruins of Zhovacim.

	Moyang felt his pulse rising with eagerness to be off and up. He could already imagine the jewels and gorgeous raiment with which he would deck his wives with the proceeds from his loot, for he was generous in family matters.

	Protocol being satisfied, the honor guard broke ranks and, with the rest of the tribe, crowded around the newcomers to finger their equipment with their talons and to comment on the physiology and probable habits of the Terrans. Moyang, knowing better than to show impatience or resentment, stood the inspection until the Fshi wandered off about their own affairs. Then, in his own broken Fshi, Moyang asked the chief where he might pitch his tent.

	Vitse2 designated a level spot and departed also. As the tent went up, Moyang remarked:

	"Are they always dressed up like this?"

	"No," replied Bertin. "They have gathered from the outlying huts for tonight's mating dance. That is why they are decorated."

	"How long does this go on? I don't want to be kept awake all night."

	"I fear you will be. They dance continuously until the mating tomorrow at noon. It is quite spectacular."

	"If you're interested. Which do you think would be the better plan: to camp here and hike up the mountain every day to work, or to camp on the mountain?"

	"Oh, you must certainly camp here. There is no water on Spatril, and you would have to haul it up every day."

	Moyang asked: "What's the difference, whether we climb down the mountain every day and up again, or up and then down?"

	"If you haul the water up you are fighting gravity; whereas, if you haul your loot down, gravity will be helping you."

	Moyang rubbed his nearly beardless chin thoughtfully. "Still, all that gold would be pretty heavy."

	Bertin winced. "No heavier than the water you would have to haul up. It is unbelievable, the way you evaporate water during summer in this region."

	"Why couldn't we send the helpers down for the water?"

	"Because they will soon estivate." Bertin swept a hand to indicate the surrounding jungle. "You can hardly believe the change that will take place in a few days. All these trees will be so many dry sticks, without a leaf anywhere. The Fshi will have erected a thorn-bush barricade around Hadal and gone to sleep. Then, with the coming of the first rain of autumn, they will awaken, and the females will give birth ... Are you sure you will not change your mind about this mad scheme?"

	"Not a chance."

-

	The noise was even worse than Moyang had expected, all night, and he came out of the tent into the following dawn in a surly mood. The beflowered Fshi were still prancing about the field that they had levelled for the purpose. To one side of this field, a number of domestic animals had been tethered. Bertin, red-eyed from lack of sleep, was still squatting on the sidelines and taking motion pictures.

	"Come along," growled Moyang.

	"Come along where?" said Bertin. <  "We're starting up the mountain right after breakfast."

	"Go ahead."

	"You're coming with us."

	"Not today," said Bertin. "Not until the mating dance is over, and then I shall be too tired for climbing."

	"I said you were coming," said Moyang. "Don't make us get rough."

	"What is the matter with you? I am not bothering you. Go on up your mountain."

	"And leave you here to sabotage our equipment, or stir the villagers against us? No sir! I want you where I can keep an eye on you."

	"Well, you would have to carry me. I am much too exhausted from my recent experience to climb mountains."

	"Damn it, maybe this will change your mind!" Moyang unhooked his gun from his belt and unfolded the stock with a click.

	"Well, what are you waiting for?" said Bertin. "Go ahead, shoot!"

	Moyang's finger touched the trigger. Then he lowered the gun.

	"You crazy fanatic," he said. "You know I don't want to kill you. I'm not a murderer, just an honest treasure hunter."

	"Then what is all the fuss about? All I ask is to be let alone today to watch this ceremony. You would find it interesting, too, if you would take your mind off gold for a minute."

	"Me? Not likely."

	"Anyway, you and your companions need a rest just as I do. If you are staying here all summer you will have plenty of time to raid the ruins. One day's delay will not hurt you."

	Moyang said: "Will you give me your word to come with us tomorrow without argument?"

	"Surely, surely."

	"All right. We'll leave an hour before dawn, so as to get to Zhovacim before the heat of the day."

	"A sound idea. Now watch the dance."

	Moyang said: "I'd rather rustle some breakfast."

	"Oh, but they are working up to the climax. This is something tourists travel light-years to see."

	Moyang hesitated, watching the lines of Kteremians weaving back and forth. As he stood watching, intrigued in spite of himself, Ma and Peterson came out of the tent. The latter remarked:

	"Those Joes can sure dent a board."

	"What?" said Bertin.

	Peterson repeated his remark, more loudly to penetrate the din, and did a little dance step of his own to illustrate his meaning.

	Moyang asked: "What are all those animals tied up at the edge of the field?"

	"They are for the blood," said Bertin. "What blood?"

	"Why, although they are normally vegetarians, the male Kteremians require a drink of blood in order to be fertile."

	"That so?" said Peterson. "It gives me a idea."

	"Or, at least, so they believe. Nobody knows if it is true or a mere superstition."

	Several Kteremians had left the dance and were doing things with the beasts. They had set out a big deep bowl. Two of them now hauled one animal, a svlek, up to the bowl and pulled its head out across the vessel. Another Fshi, whom

	Moyang recognized by his ornaments as Vitse2, cut the creatures's throat with a copper knife so that the blood streamed into the bowl.

	A retching noise beside him made Moyang turn. Ma, squeamish in such matters, was having trouble with his stomach. Moyang turned back to watch the spectacle. As the second beast was hauled forward, Moyang suddenly felt the powerful grip of taloned Kteremian hands upon his arms.

	"Hey!" he cried, squirming in the grip. But, as they were a good deal bigger than he, it was impossible to break loose.

	He had been seized from behind by two Fshi. Even before he turned his head, an outcry from his two companions told him that they had likewise been taken. Bertin and the native helpers from Sveho were also under constraint.

	"Bertin!" yelled Moyang. "What's this?"

	The red man calmly replied: "They are going to cut our throats as with the other beasts."

	"What? Why? Do something! Talk to Vitse2!"

	"You cannot talk to a Kteremian in rut."

	"But what's the idea? They seemed friendly!"

	"They are when not worked up by the ceremony. Now they regard us as tuzatsha and have no compunction about killing us."

	A horrible suspicion entered Moyang's mind. "Did you know this was going to happen?" Bertin nodded.

	"You mean you deliberately trapped us?"

	"I had to."

	"After we saved your life and everything?"

	Bertin gave one of those colossal shrugs, as well as he could with his arms pinioned. "I am sorry, but it was either that or letting you destroy the historical records of Zhovacim. I tried to talk you out of that vandalism, but I could see you were determined."

	The animals had now all been killed and one of the native helpers was hauled towards the bowl. Moyang screamed:

	"You mean you're willing not only to have us killed but yourself as well? You lunatic! I should have shot you just now —"

	Bertin smiled a melancholy little smile. "We should all be dead in another hundred years anyway, while knowledge goes on forever."

	The first native helper's throat had now been cut and a second was on his protesting way to the bow. A knot of Fshi standing by the bowl seemed to be involved in some dispute. Finally the whole group turned and walked towards the victims, Vitse2 in the lead. The chief spoke in rumbling Fshi to Bertin, whose arms were released.

	"What are they letting you go for?" shouted Moyang.

	"They had a little dispute. The upshot was that they decided that because I spoke Fshi so well I must have the soul of a Fshi, and therefore I should be counted as a member of the in-group."

	"But how about us?"

	"Unfortunately you speak with what they consider a Znaci accent. The Znaci, as their hereditary enemies, are naturally members of the out-group."

	"Did you know they were going to turn you loose, you treacherous devil?"

	"No. Or rather I thought there was about a fifty-fifty chance that they would do so. It seemed a chance worth taking."

	The supply of native helpers being exhausted, Ma was dragged off, protesting in a shrill singsong. Moyang said:

	"Look, Bertin, get us out of this and I'll go away and never look at your damned city again ..."

	Another shrug. "I am sorry, but I could not even if I wished."

	Shouting hysterical curses, Moyang was dragged to the bowl. A taloned hand reached across from the far side of the vessel, grasped his hair, and pulled his head, face down, out over the pool of blood that had already been collected. The last thing that Ali Moyang saw was the staring and disheveled reflection of his own face in the scarlet surface.

-

New Arcadia

	As the hoist descended, two groups, each of twenty or thirty people, ran towards us. The smaller group was made up entirely of men wearing kilts, while the other, the naked crowd, included both sexes.

	Most of the men in both sets carried shillalahs and glowered at each other. When they got closer, so the two crowds got mixed up, they began pushing, waving their clubs, and shouting abuse. They spoke French because the original colony on Turania was mostly French Swiss.

	The two leaders pushed forward and began yelling at Captain Kubala. One, a tall old fellow with a lot of white hair and beard and a headdress decorated with the glassy wings of some of the local fauna, I took to be Henri Vaud, the original leader of the colony. The other was a dark, sharp-nosed little man with big staring black eyes.

	Kubala bellowed: "Hola! Silence!" When the noise had quieted a little, he pointed at the old man. "You, monsieur."

	Vaud said: "Monsieur, you will naturally address yourself to me, as the duly elected president of Nouvelle-Arcadie, when this cow-head has ceased to push his raucous cries."

	The leader of the nudies said: "Monsieur the captain, if you will silence this aged species of camel, I have a matter of the most urgent importance to submit to you."

	"Who are you?" said Kubala.

	"Me, I am Louis Motta, president of the republic of Liberté."

	"He is a demagogue who has seduced some of my poor ones to rebellion," said Vaud. "I am still president of all the human souls on Turania —"

	"I treat your claims with scorn!" cried Motta. "Liberté is a free and independent sovereign nation. We don't recognize the authority of this tyrant. But what is more urgent is that we are attacked by Cimbrians —"

	"Naturally," said Vaud. "This salaud divides us in the face of peril, forsakes the safety of our island, invades the lands of the Cimbrians and provokes —"

	"It's a gratuitous aggression of the Cimbrians!" yelled Motta.

	"Wait! Silence!" shouted Kubala. "First, what do you mean by Cimbrians on Turania? Cimbria is ten light-years away."

	"Oh, they are here," said Motta. "How or why I know not."

	"And second," said Kubala, "Cimbrians are one of the most peaceful and orderly peoples in the Galaxy. They've never bothered anybody."

	"You see?" said Vaud. "It's evident that he must have attacked them first."

	"It's a lie!" screamed Motta. "They have killed two of our people and wounded five more. They have guns, which we do not. They glide themselves up and shoot us while we are quietly going about our business."

	They both shouted until Kubala quieted them with his roar. "Let's do things in order," he said. "First, I am Czeslaw Kubala, captain of the Daedalus, whose tender you see here. This is Arthur Ramaswami, my first officer, and this" (indicating me) "is Gerald Fay of the World News Service. He will visit you until the last departure of the tender."

	"He will visit which of us?" said Motta.

	"Ask him," said Kubala.

	I said: "Messieurs, I'm supposed to find out what's happened in the fifteen years since Nouvelle-Arcadie was founded. I want to visit everybody that time allows."

	"Come when you like, my dear sir," said Vaud, "and stay as long as you like. I am naturally ardent that you shall get the correct story."

	"You must visit us first, though," said Motta. "It is only logical. Liberté is a short walk from here on the continent, so you need not wait for a favorable wind to go to Nouvelle-Arcadie."

	"Well ..." I said, but then one of the women in the naked crowd spoke.

	"I pray you, monsieur, visit us first," she said. "We shall be desolated otherwise."

	Anybody who has been thrown in with nudists knows that the effect wears off in ten minutes. After that, you don't even have to keep yourself from staring.

	This girl, though, I found attractive. She wasn't beautiful; of medium height, rather more sturdy and muscular than we'd consider modish. She was dark, with her hair in a bun and her teeth a little irregular. No beauty, but she shone health, vigor, and personality. She wore sandals and carried a big bag slung over her shoulder by a strap of the bark of the leather tree, Scorteliber lentus.

	Well, it's really a man of no strength of character I am. Any circumstance can push me into anything. I said I'd first visit Liberté, and gave my name again.

	"Enchanted," she said. "Me, I am Adrienne Herz."

	Kubala was asking Vaud: "What in particular do you want?"

	"I want assistance in suppressing revolt," said Vaud. "I may exhort you for protection against criminal bands of my own species, isn't it?"

	"Criminal bands!" yelled Motta.

	Kubala stopped him and said: "I think not, Monsieur Vaud. Your original charter gave Nouvelle-Arcadie complete internal autonomy. These secessionists are all members of your original colony of their children, is it not?"

	"But yes," said Vaud.

	"Well, if you want to coerce them back into the fold, you must do it yourself."

	"But we cannot! It would be against our pacifistic principles!" said Vaud.

	Kubala said: "But then how could I —"

	"But you are not one of us. You are not held by such principles!"

	Kubala growled: "If that's your Latin logic ... All I'll do is to take back to Earth anybody who doesn't like it here.

	Now, Monsieur Motta, what do you want? War with these mysterious Cimbrians?"

	"Oh, no!" said Motta. "We Passivists are the only sincere pacifists. I wouldn't have you do the Cimbrians ill. What I really want is for you to fly to Cimbria and lodge a complaint with the government there."

	"That's absolutely impossible," said Kubala. "Cimbria is almost as far from here as Earth, and I have a scheduled run. What did you say about pacifists being pacifists?"

	"Passivists, not pacifists," said Motta. "Vaud's faction call themselves Activists, while we are the Passivists. Vaud has betrayed his original principles."

	"How?"

	"He has become organization-minded. All we have heard is order, discipline, regulations, and harder work to raise the standard of living. But as soon as one does that, one is on the road to autocracy, war, crime, imperialism, and all the other vices of civilization. So we have gone back to first principles."

	Vaud said: "He lies! He is only a clever demagogue, hiding his ambition behind a mask of idealistic primitivism ..."

	The shouting started again until Kubala quieted it and said: "Wouldn't you like your mail?"

	"But naturally!" cried the Arcadians.

	During the talk, the hoist had been running up and down the side of the tender, slung from a boom like a big bucket. On each trip it brought stuff that Vaud had ordered years ago: cloth, matches, razor blades, sheet rubber, paper, photographic supplies, medicines, and so forth.

	The crewmen set up a table, and Ramaswami dumped the mailbags out on this. As the mail had all been microfilmed, three bags held it all, though the reading matter represented here was enormous. Ramaswami asked:

	"What shall we do with these rolls? Each has letters or pages of printed matter addressed to different people. We thought you'd be one colony, so everybody could read his letters and publications on the viewers as his name came up. But if you're divided into two ..."

	After some hemming and hawing, the girl who wanted me to visit Liberté, Adrienne Herz, said: "I suppose each faction will have to take half the rolls at hazard and make enlargements of the pages addressed to people in the other community. Then the Activist mailman and I will make a rendezvous and exchange them."

	"You're the mail-girl for the Passivists?" said Kubala.

	"That's correct," she said.

	Vaud said: "August Zimmerli is acting as mailman for us." He indicated a fat man, and soon Ramaswami was dealing out rolls of microfilm, one to one and one to the other.

-

	The part of Turania where we were is covered with dark forest. The Turanian trees are mostly broad-leaved evergreens, somber-looking save where they burst into flowers. These are sometimes the size of plates. That's because the flying arthropods grow so large, since there are no flying vertebrates to compete with them.

	The trees had been cleared from the field in response to the Daedalus' radio-warning of its approach. As we left the field, the leaves closed in over us. A couple of insects the size of pigeons whizzed past us. (It's easier to call them insects than "insect-like Turanian exoskeletal arthropods.")

	Adrienne Herz said: "Well, Monsieur Fay, my friends will be wild with jealousy when they see me bringing in the first earthman we've seen in many years."

	I got red and stammery. She was carrying her mailbag; I couldn't carry it for her because I was completely loaded down with my own gear. I said:

	"Mademoiselle, I'm only sorry I couldn't have been a better specimen of the breed. I hope I shan't embarrass you."

	"Pouf! Monsieur quests for compliments." (I wasn't, but I didn't argue.) "What kind of Terrien are you?"

	"Just a typical Earthman. My father is Irish, my mother is Russian, I was born in Japan and raised in the United States, I'm a British subject, and when I'm home I live in France. That's why they picked me for this job; that, and influence."

	"You mean to say because you speak French so fluently?"

	"Yes. Anyway, now that you're having a fend in Nouvelle-Arcadie, even an incompetent imitation of a correspondent like me can write it up. If everything had been as dull and peaceful as they warned me it would be, I'd have flubbed the assignment. I may yet."

	"Hold! Vaud has told us that Terrans are so aggressive and vain that they're always talking themselves into positions where they have to fight their way out. You seem different."

	"Just one of nature's mistakes," I said. "Is this crowd the whole population of Liberté?"

	"But no, there are many more. Motta has let only a fraction of us come to the field for the alighting. He feared that an accident might blow up the whole population of the village at once."

	"What about this feud?"

	"It has commenced about thirty years ago," she said, "when I was a girl of sixty-five." (I was startled until I remembered it takes four and a half Turanian years to make one of ours.) "Henri Vaud put himself to complaining about the colony. You know, at the start everything was most liberal; a sort of co-operative anarchy. But Vaud said the lazies were putting too much of their portion of the work on the diligents; the men fought shamefully over the women; people formed secret societies against the interests of the majority, and so forth."

	"Maybe they got bored with all that perfection."

	"Perhaps. Anyway, Vaud talked of tighter organization, more discipline, and a more definite goal in life than heating ourselves to the sun on the beach. It sounded inspiring."

	"And then?"

	"First, there were stricter rules of conduct. Instead of the girls' making love as they pleased and marrying the first boy by whom they got pregnant, he has established a rigorous system of supervised courtship. Then there were regular hours of work instead of weekly totals.

	"This new system has given us more production. We have eaten better and we've had more and better houses. The sick have received more attention and the infants more schooling. With more time given to the forge we've made more and better tools."

	"It sounds fine so far," I said.

	"But some people will always break laws, no matter how liberal. To stop them, Vaud made more and more rules. Nobody might leave Elysée without signing in and out. Everybody must address him formally as vous, while continuing to tutoyer each other ..."

	We came to the stockade, which stretched to right and left into the forest. I could hear the sound of surf through the trees. The gate opened and a swarm of children boiled out, shrieking. We were soon wading knee-deep in naked children of all sizes. Adrienne said:

	"The littles wanted to be excused from school to see the tender alight, but Motta has decided that the field would be too dangerous."

	We went through the gate. Inside, the land had been cleared and cut up with Swiss neatness into tilled patches of wheat, melons, carrots, and so on. Some of the plants were native, but most were terran. Inside the main stockade was a smaller one around the village proper.

-

	When I got settled, I spent a half-hour writing my impressions in shorthand. I may be a lousy correspondent, but I know how to go through the motions.

	Then I left the guest house to look at Liberté. I wandered around the fields, took a few pictures, and followed the stockade down to the beach, where it ended in shallow water. A quarter-mile down the beach the other end of it ended likewise.

	Despite the wind, the surf wasn't heavy. The beach was in the lee of Nouvelle-Arcadie, which rose from Taylor Sea a couple of miles west. I saw some little floating dots which I took to be Vaud's Activists paddling back to their island.

	The beaches on Turania are mostly narrow, because for practical purposes there are no tides. The only moon looks much smaller than ours, only two or three times as big as Jupiter looks to us. There were a dozen or so outrigger dugout canoes and catamarans drawn up on the sand.

	Some Passivists were swimming. One shouted to me to join them. I was tempted to do so, as the air was hot and damp and I was sticky. However, I got embarrassed and shook my head. If I stripped I should feel self-conscious, and if I went back for my trunks I should probably feel even more so. These children of nature would wonder if it was a truss.

	At the upper edge of the beach, a little skinny man had some sort of apparatus set up on a tripod. I recognized a barometer and other meteorological instruments.

	"Allô!" he said. "Me, I am Maximilian Wyss, and you are the terran writer, is it not?"

	After civilities I asked him about the apparatus. He said: "I record the weather to see if we need some rain-making.

	There are lots of rain squalls here, but they are mostly small. So, a small area like ours may be missed for many consecutive days. Or it may get them every day for half a year and be inundated."

	"What's the forecast?" I asked.

	"Rain tonight. Look to the west and you will see."

	Groombridge 1618 was beginning to set behind Nouvelle-Arcadie. A visitor on Turania always gapes at sunsets. Since this star has about three times the visual diameter of Sol and moves through the sky only about half as fast, it takes nearly six times as long to set in a given latitude. Moreover, the planet is cloudier than Earth, so you see the huge red ball, if at all, through layers of clouds.

	During the long sunset, the clouds became thicker until I could see only patches of the sun, though overhead the clouds were banded with yellows and reds and purples. Then the clouds closed in. They boiled and thickened, with lightning and thunder. The swimmers came in, and Maximilian Wyss packed up the portable parts of his apparatus.

	"Here she comes," he said.

	I started back for Liberté and was going through the inner stockade when it started. In two seconds I could hardly see to walk. I knocked on the first house and was told to come in. This I did, dripping.

	" Allô!" said a plump middle-aged fellow. "Come in, my old. You are the correspondent from Earth, no? I am Carl Adorn." He introduced his wife and five children. "Seat yourself. What think you of our vile Utopia, he?"

	We had to shout over the roar of the storm. I said: "Is that storm usual?"

	"But yes, this is only a little one."

	I started pumping Adorn about the story of the colony, but then somebody banged a gong.

	"Supper," he said. "Come, everybody."

	The seven Adorns marched out into the downpour. When they got to the dining hall they wiped themselves as they went in on a couple of foul-looking bath towels, but that did my soaked clothes no good. There were about a hundred Passivists, all talking like mad. I never saw so many pregnant women at once. I started to sit with the Adorns, but Louis Motta made me sit with him and the officers of the Daedalus.

	Motta filled us full of their native wine and asked Captain

	Kubala about the planets he'd seen. Kubala told about Cimbria (that is, Procyon A IV) and Scythia and Parthia. (I used to think the astronomers named the planets of other systems after Cunard liners, but I found out they simply used the same system as the Cunard-White Star people, which was to apply obsolete Terran geographical names.)

	The food was plentiful and good, albeit vegetarian. It was all I could do to stick to my diet; I should become a fat man in no time if I let myself go on the calories. The Arcadians eat enormous amounts of the native Turanian melons. Himself found time to remark, between thunderclaps, that he'd like to see me after the meal.

	In his office, Motta came to the point: "I notice you have visited the Adorns?"

	"Yes," I said.

	"And that earlier you conversed with Adrienne Herz?"

	"Yes."

	"Very well, my brave. I don't wish to hinder your social life or censor your movements, but as a practical matter you had better get your information on the colony from me."

	"Why?"

	"Because I am the only one who knows the complete story and can give you an impartial account. Certainly a notorious malcontent like Adorn is not a proper source. How long will you be on Turania?"

	"Kubala says the tender will take off for the last time about thirty of your days hence. He has to pick up food and water — "

	"Yes, yes, I know. I try to construct you a program that will occupy your time to best advantage. In that time you will not be able to visit Elysée."

	"Hein?" I said. "But that's plenty of time, and I must go to Nouvelle-Arcadie! My employers would consider that I'd failed in my mission otherwise."

	"Oh, you don't really want to go there. It's a miserable canoe trip. You will get drenched and seasick, and if the wind is contrary you may be unable either to go or to return when you wish. Furthermore, there is nothing on Nouvelle-Arcadie that you can't see here. The wild life on the island cannot compare with ours for size and variety."

	"But I've got to! I must interview Vaud and his people."

	"On the contrary, you'd get nothing from them but lies.

	Vaud would give you a highly biased story of our break, justifying all his crimes and tyranny, while his people are too spineless and terrorized to tell you the truth."

	"That may be, but I've got to try."

	"No you don't. Your employers will never know the difference."

	I said: "I'm in the habit of writing the truth as I see it."

	"Be reasonable."

	"I am reasonable. I have my duty —"

	"You are just an obstinate young fool! It's a dangerous voyage."

	"I'll take a chance."

	"Not with my boats," he said. "When you come here, you put yourself under my jurisdiction. If I consider some act harmful to my people, I cannot let you do it."

	I lost my temper. I know; a good correspondent wouldn't, but I never claimed to be a good anything. At that, I should probably have been too cowardly to speak out to the man if he hadn't been half my size. I stood up and shouted:

	"You think you'll make me a prisoner here, just because I might hear something to your disadvantage, he? Well, let me tell you, monsieur —"

	"Think you I will let you go to Elysée to tell Vaud all about us, so he can attack?" he shouted back.

	"I'm a British subject and I'll go where I please."

	"This isn't Britain and you shall do as I command."

	"Command away, and we shall see," I said.

	"None of my men shall take you to the island."

	"Then I'll paddle there myself."

	"You may not touch my boats. Build yourself a raft, or walk on the water." I was surprised to see tears in his eyes. "Everybody's against us: the Activists, and the Cimbrians, and now you. They hate us for our superior idealism. Go away, monster!"

	I went, shaking, back to the guest house. Arthur Rama-swami was spending the night there and had a bottle of Turanian wine. We spent the evening drinking it and telling each other our troubles.

-

	Next morning, I set out to interview the other Passivists. I also thought of promoting a secret trip to Nouvelle-Arcadie, perhaps by stealing one of the canoes. I don't know if I'd ever have been able to work up the courage.

	I admire the rough-hewn swashbuckling heroes of romance who ruthlessly go after what they want in spite of God or man. Some people, deceived by my 250 pounds and rhinoceros-like build, mistake me for that kind of person. They don't know what a poor little mouse of an ego is cowering inside all that beef. I'm absurdly timid about laws and rules, perhaps because of my British associations.

	When I tackled the first Passivist, he said: "Bon jour, Monsieur Fay," but when I tried to prolong the conversation he looked frightened and mumbled: "Je ne sais pas!"

	When I tried others the same thing happened. They didn't know anything, or they had to hurry off to work ...

	I found Adrienne and said: "Good-morning, Mademoiselle Herz."

	"Good-morning, Monsieur Fay!" she said. "You slept well, I hope?"

	"Are you speaking to me? Everybody else is giving me the silent treatment."

	"Yes, President Motta has launched an order."

	"I thought so. Holy-blue, that's a plain violation of the basic human rights, as guaranteed by the International Convention of —"

	"But this isn't Earth," she reminded me. "Had you a terrible quarrel?"

	"Bad enough. But couldn't we — ah — have a private talk somewhere?"

	"Hm. I go for a swim after breakfast. I might swim north beyond the stockade, and, if a little later you happened along in the same direction, nobody would remark the coincidence."

-

	I swam north parallel to the beach in leisurely fashion. Beyond the north end of the stockade was a swamp or estuary where a little stream emptied into the sea. Here a couple of Passivists were cutting a kind of reed or withe that grew here, and from which Liberté made its furniture. I kept on until I heard Adrienne calling:

	"Monsieur Fay! Here!"

	I walked ashore in Turanian costume and found her behind the first line of shrubbery. She put her. head out and looked back towards the stockade.

	"Good," she said. "Nobody sees. Where would you like to go?"

	I said: "If there's a trail up to some high point, so I could see the country ..."

	"I know just such an animal trail."

	We pushed through the brush, which scratched me cruelly but didn't seem to bother her, until she found the trail. It was wider than one would expect. She led me uphill away from the sea. I was soft from the space trip, despite my earnest exercises, and found the climb strenuous.

	She trotted ahead like a deer. It was quiet except for the never-ending sough of the wind and the thrum of huge insects.

	"Slow down!" I said. "Now, where were we? You were telling me how Vaud made all sorts of regulations, as that nobody should thee-and-thou him."

	"Ah, yes. Next he tried to reintroduce clothes. The nudism had been one of his original principles, partly to avoid affectations and class distinction, partly because the temperature is always in the thirties" (she meant on the Centigrade scale) "except a few hours before dawn. So clothes are not necessary. But Vaud has decided that they would make us more decorous."

	"Did they?"

	"He had never succeeded, though he's persuaded his own faction to wear them on formal occasions like today. I think he designed that Scotch petticoat to hide his own potbelly, as he's not so pretty as when I was little.

	"However, when all these changes had put the people in a state of violent agitation, Motta made a revolt. He had formed a secret club, the Passivists, dedicated to a return to first principles of simplicity, libertarianism, and voluntary co-operation. There was a great battle, with the men giving blows of fist and pulling the hair and the women pushing cries of encouragement.

	"Motta, having only a third of the people, could not vanquish the rest. So, when the fighters had quit for lack of breath, he agreed to leave the island with his faction if given his share of supplies: boats, tools, medicine, and such. Vaud was in accord, as he could retain many indivisible things like the houses and the tractor. Thus we parted peacefully.

	"The Passivists paddled over to the mainland and set up a new village. My faith, but we have worked for a while! We hardly had the village built and the fields disposed when we learned some things we ought to have thought of sooner."

	"For example?"

	"For one thing, there are no large beasts on Nouvelle Arcadie. Therefore guns aren't needed, and Vaud hadn't brought any. He thought if there were guns and quarrels raised themselves, somebody might shoot. But here we have these big maladroit lizards —"

	"So I see," said I, pointing. The trail had dipped and become soft and mucky. In the muck was a footprint like that of an elephant with big claws.

	"Ah, an oecusaurus," said Adrienne.

	"Are they dangerous?" I asked, my voice getting squeaky.

	"Not especially, unless they step on you by accident. But some of the smaller, carnivorous species are formidable. We lost a man and a little girl before we finished the outer palisade. And then came the Cimbrians."

	"What about those?" I asked.

	"You have heard Motta. There's some species of camp of Cimbrians beyond this range. They lead a wild life of the chase, shooting native reptiles with flint guns and riding terran horses down here to raid us."

	"What?" said I. She repeated.

	I said: "It doesn't make sense. Cimbrians could make modern arms if they wished, but they're the most peaceful and orderly civilized species known. I can't imagine Cimbrians riding horses and shooting muskets. Could they be another similar species mistaken for Cimbrians?"

	"No. Motta knew some Cimbrians on Earth and assures us that these are authentic."

	"Are they the remains of a lost colony or the like?"

	She shrugged. "I know not, nor do I know how they have acquired earthly horses."

	I shook my head. "It's as if we found earthmen on Cimbria or Riphaea, riding Turanian lizards and hunting heads. Maybe if you could capture one you could find out."

	"Perhaps, but we're impotent before their guns, and we cannot run after their horses."

	The trail had steepened, so for a time I had no breath to talk. When I saw a convenient tree trunk I said:

	"D'you mind if we stop to rest? I'm out of practice at imitating the goat of the mountains."

	"A few years here would render you hard. It's —"

	"Yeowp!" I yelled, leaping up. As I sat down, something stung me on the bare behind. It was a fearsome sting, too, like a red-hot needle.

	"Poor man!" said Adrienne. "You sat on a vespoid. See?"

	I looked. The insect I had crushed, now giving its last kicks, did look like a large Terran wasp. Adrienne said:

	"There were lots of these here when we built the village, and they pricked us cruelly until we burned their nests."

	"I see disadvantages to this Adam-and-Eve performance," t said, rubbing the afflicted spot.

	"I'll put some mud on it the first swamp we see. It's too bad you killed it."

	"Why? That's a form of wildlife for which I have little sympathy."

	"Because otherwise it would have flown in a straight line for its nest, and we could have found the nest and destroyed it. Old Maximilian Wyss, our chief scientist, says these nests are just like those of the paper wasps on Earth. Convergent evolution, he calls it."

	I sat down again, looking carefully this time and sitting a little sideways. "Have you tried to make your own weapons against the Cimbrians?"

	"Motta won't permit that He puts his faith in interplanetary committees. In confidence, some young men have experimented with bows, but — holy God! — archery is more complicated than it seems. None has yet got anything one can hit an oecusaurus with. So ..." She shrugged and spread her hands.

	I got up and said: "All right, let's be going."

	I could have sat much longer admiring Adrienne. But if we didn't start, she might have reason to suspect me of not having my mind on the history of Nouvelle-Arcadie.

	"How far to the top?" I asked.

	"Half a kilometer, I think."

	I said: "You don't seem completely entrapped by Louis Motta's regime."

	"I'm not, but what can I do? I have come with the Passivists for a reason other than doctrinaire arguments."

	"What was that?"

	"Under the new rules of Vaud, my parents tried to make me marry André Morax. Now André is not a wicked man, but he is the biggest bore in Nouvelle-Arcadie. Anyway I don't love him, so I have come away."

	"Good for you!"

	She smiled at me, which made me flush and stumble over my own big feet.

	"Oh, Motta talks about the sacred rights of individualism," she said, "but he is at bottom as much a dictator as Vaud, and his followers are as sheep-like. Me, I am a true individualist. I believe in none of their fine talk but make up my own mind."

	"Live the individualism!"

	"How do they arrange marriages on Earth nowadays?"

	I shrugged. "Oh, about the same as when your colony left. Most of the world follows the American system, where each boy invites a series of girls out to the cinema and other entertainment — 'dates,' they call them — until a couple decides to make it permanent. Some countries still have chaperons, or the parents make the arrangements."

	"Are you married, monsieur?"

	"No."

	"Why not? You're old enough, aren't you?"

	These people were charmingly friendly but they came right to the point. My skin began to burn.

	"I'm old enough," I gruffed. "About half again as old as you."

	"Then why?"

	"Oh, no woman would ever look at a big ugly hulk like me."

	"I see nothing wrong with you," she said, running her eyes up and down me as if I were a prize hog. "A little thick in the middle, perhaps, but some hard work would repair that. Did you go on these 'dates'?"

	"W-well, a few."

	My tongue was tied in knots, my feet seemed to have been put on backwards, and I could feel myself blushing all over. I don't know why I went ahead and opened up to Adrienne, except there's something about that nature-boy atmosphere that makes one drop all pretence.

	"To t-t-tell the truth, mademoiselle, I'm such a shy timid fellow that the mere thought of a girl's rebuffing me fills me with horror."

	"Oh, you big nicodemus! If you asked me on a 'date' I'd say, to a sure blow! when do we commence? That is, to say, if I didn't suspect you of immoral intentions. Our chiefs say that all earthmen are lascivious degenerates where the sexes are concerned. Are you a lascivious degenerate?"

	"Well — uh — I — uh —" What could I say? "I d-don't think that would be a fair description. I —"

	"Hush!"

	"What is it?"

	"Something on the trail," she said. "Into the bushes!"

	She found us a place whence we could still see through the greenery to the trail. I heard something big moving, its feet thudding and the branches brushing its sides. There was movement among the leaves, and an oecusaurus appeared.

	I couldn't see all of it at once because of the leaves, but it was no less impressive for that. The name means it's a lizard as big as a house. It was as tall as an elephant and half again as long, with four legs like tree-trunks, a thick neck long enough to reach the ground, a big squarish head ending in a parrot-beak, a thick reptilian tail that swung from side to side as it walked, and a warty skin with knobs and spines, especially on its back and head.

	When the oecusaurus had gone and the rustling of its passage had died away, we crept back to the trail. Adrienne said:

	"We must watch for that one on our way back."

	"Is he going down to the sea for a drink?"

	"Yes." I knew Taylor Sea was only slightly brackish, so I wasn't surprised that the local fauna drank from it.

	Even though I knew the oecusaurus was a plant-eater and easily dodged, its passage took some of the carefree jollity out of our expedition. I found myself speaking in lowered tones and stopping to listen. When I got my mind off the fauna and back on Nouvelle-Arcadie, I asked:

	"How many are there in Liberté now?"

	"A hundred and eighty — nearly two hundred. I can find you ,the exact number. There are so many births that it changes from week to week."

	"How about Elysée?"

	"About twice our population."

	"Has the whole human community grown?"

	"But yes, it has more than doubled. Monsieur Wyss says we are increasing faster than any terran group. It's a healthy climate; the local diseases don't affect us; and we were all chosen for perfect health at the start. Besides, Vaud has insisted that we take full advantage of modern medicine."

	"That, and the fact that there's nothing much else to do on these long nights," I added.

	"None of your decadent terran cynicism, you big fat pataud," she said, "though it would be nice to go where the young men sometimes think of something else. I'm tired of beating them off."

	"How do you manage that?"

	"In the case that you, monsieur, should get any such ideas, I broke two ribs in the side of Maurice Rahn last year. And —"

	Bang! There was a loud explosion and a big puff of gray smoke. Something hit a tree a foot from me and showered me with bits of bark.

	I yelped and jumped away from the tree. I tripped over a big root of this tree that wound across the trail like a half-buried snake and fell into muck and shrubbery. I'm an awkward sort of ass in anything that takes agility.

	Three Cimbrians popped out on to the trail, each carrying a short-barreled gun. Sure enough, they were muzzle-loading flintlocks. Cimbrians are taller than men — about six and a half feet — but much slenderer, so they weigh less on the average. They have silvery-gray fur all over, catlike faces, and long bushy tails with black rings like a raccoon.

	They came so quickly that Adrienne had no time to move. One reached for her with its free hand. She jerked back and turned to run. Another Cimbrian tripped her and the third dropped his musket to jump on her back.

	During these seconds I was struggling up. I charged into the group, roaring "Unhand that maiden!" or something as silly.

	Out of the side of my eye, I saw one of the Cimbrians swing his gun by the barrel. I was trying to change direction when the gun-butt hit me over the head. This time I went down cold.

	Of course you never know, when you wake up, how long you've been unconscious. I guess it was several minutes. When I came to, I could see, up the trail, two Cimbrians, with their guns slung across their backs, tying Adrienne to the back of a horse while the third stood by, holding the bridles of two other horses with one hand and swinging his musket this way and that with the other. The horses wore funny-looking saddles with big bags tied to them. While I was still blinking, one Cimbrian twittered something. They mounted the two unoccupied horses, one on one and two on the other, and off they rode as fast as the mounts could take the grade.

	I stumbled to my feet and ran after them but never got in sight of them again. I ran until I had to stop; then some more, and so on. When I came out on the height to which Adrienne had been leading me, I could only sink down with my back to a tree and sit panting while the sweat ran down me and flying things buzzed round me.

	When I could stand again I looked at the scene. To the west lay Taylor Sea, with Nouvelle-Arcadie in the foreground. Nearer yet, almost at the foot of the rise I had climbed, was Liberté and its fields. To the east I couldn't see much because of the trees, but it seemed to be more forested hills. Overhead loomed the huge yellow ball of Groombridge 1618. The wind whipped through the treetops around and below me, making them ripple like a field of wheat back home, while clouds swooped by close overhead.

	Maybe it was cowardice that made me decide not to run on after Adrienne. I told myself, however, that my chances of rescuing her by plunging into an unknown forest, without food or any sort of equipment, would be poor. I had better go back to Liberté and raise a posse.

	I ran most of the way back. It was downhill until I reached the beach. I met the oecusaurus coming up the trail again, but I dodged past it without trying to hide. It snorted at me but kept on about its business.

-

	Louis Motta stroked his chin and said: "So, one transgressor of the law expects me to overturn the village to succor another from the results of your joint folly, no?"

	"Yes, monsieur," I said.

	"Then, you mistake yourself. Such an expedition would fail in view of the Cimbrians' superiority of armament. If they have not killed her already, they would do so if attacked. The attack would cost many of our lives, which we cannot afford, with all two of the Cimbrians and the Activists at enmity with us."

	"But if you let them think they can carry off anybody they meet with impunity —"

	"That's my responsibility, monsieur, and I pray you not to concern yourself with it. I may add that Mademoiselle Herz will not be an insupportable loss to our community. She was always a malcontent and a railer, without due respect for the will of the people as embodied in their chief officer. Now if you will excuse me, I have business."

	I left Motta's office and started back towards the guest house, wondering what to do next. Then — well, this just shows how little my own initiative had to do with the happenings on this planet. I ran into Carl Adorn, who said:

	"What passes, monsieur? Has there been a calamity?"

	I told him about Adrienne, Motta, and the Cimbrians.

	He tut-tutted. "This is a grave matter. Come to my house — not now, with me, lest it rouse our good president, but in an hour or so."

	When I got there I found he had rounded up a few like-minded Passivists, who had brought an assortment of gear and supplies. Adorn explained:

	"We dare not go out ourselves against the orders of Motta. Even if we did, he probably has reason about the futility of an attack on the Cimbrian camp. But you are a free agent, and nobody is likely to stop one of your size in any case. So, if you will try a rescue all alone, we can furnish you with all the means we have. Here are a map, a compass, a knife, a hatchet, matches, food, and everything else we can think of. I regret only that we cannot add a rapid-fire gun or a few grenades."

	"Thanks," I said. (I never argued, which shows what a wishy-washy character I have.) "When would be a good time to go?"

	"During the hour of the siesta, after dinner. And here is a package for Adrienne, in case they are holding her for ransom. It contains soap, brush and comb, and such things. Do you speak Intermundos?"

	"After a fashion."

	"Good. Some of these Cimbrians might also."

	I looked over the supplies and said: "Can somebody fasten a good strong knife blade to a pole?"

	"I can," said a man. "I make the knives. What sort of pole?"

	"I'll get it," I said.

	I went into the forest and cut a sapling. When the siesta-time came I slipped out, carrying my spear and other junk. I wore my bush-shirt and shorts, and to hell with Utopian customs. I needed the pockets, and besides I didn't want to be stung again.

	It took a week of floundering, getting lost, escaping the local fauna, and eating most of my food before I found the Cimbrian camp. The time, however, was not wasted. Every day, as I tramped the game trails, I practiced throwing my spear. I must have thrown that thing at five thousand trees. The first day I could hit nothing. The second day my arm was so sore I could hardly throw. By the fifth day I was getting pretty good.

	When I found the Cimbrians, I circled round at a good distance, locating the big fenced meadow where they kept their horses. The meadow had real grass, which I hadn't seen on Turania. I suspected that it had been brought from Earth to support the nags.

	In the course of my circle, I found a stream that flowed away from the Cimbrian camp. When I drank from it, I was astonished to find it warm. No stream flowed into the camp from the other direction, so I thought the Cimbrians must have built their camp around a hot spring, of which there were several in this country.

	When the first night came, I crawled close until I could hear the Cimbrians' twittering voices and see their fires. They sent a sentry out to patrol, but he did his job in a perfunctory manner, marching around the camp in a small circle and making all the noise in the world. Big and clumsy as I am, I avoided him.

	When day came, I pulled back and climbed a tree that gave a view of the camp. The Cimbrians had the carcass of a reptile hung up by its feet. Whenever one of them got hungry, he cut off a steak and broiled it over a fire on a pointed stick. I supposed they had a due proportion of females, but I couldn't tell because sexual dimorphism is slight in this species.

	Of Adrienne Herz I could see no sign. But then, she might have been in one of the log cabins. The biggest of these was built right over the hot spring. The water steamed as it flowed out under the wall.

	On the second night I had a thunderstorm, so I could creep closer than before. I was within fifty yards of the camp when the sentry came out for his rounds. Another Cimbrian came with him, arguing. While I couldn't understand their twitter, I gathered that the sentry didn't want to slosh around in the dark, but the other insisted. If that was it, the sentry lost.

	I got behind a tree as he passed me. I could hardly see him. When his back was to me, I stepped out and raised my spear.

	Something warned him despite the noise and darkness. He turned and fumbled with his gun. I thought I was done for, but the gun didn't go off. I imagined him to be a tree trunk and let fly with the spear.

	It hit. He fell, dropping his musket, and thrashed about. By the time I ran up to him he was almost still. He twittered feebly at me. I suppose I should have brained him with my hatchet, but I'm soft-hearted about animals.

	I pulled the spear out of him, picked up his gun, and saw why he hadn't shot me. There was a piece of thin leather-bark tied around the lock to keep the wet out, and he had to untie this before he could fire.

	Having been something of a gun crank, I knew pretty well how this firearm would work. I searched the Cimbrian and found his powder horn (a bucket-shaped leather container), his bag of balls, and another bag with thin little pieces at animal skin for wadding. By the time I had finished, the Cimbrian seemed dead.

	The next step would be to convince the Cimbrians that they were surrounded and besieged. First I had to wait for the rain to stop.

	I deserve no credit for thinking out this campaign. Being full of suppressed romanticism and all. I've read millions of words about fighting and adventuring on Earth in old times. I had only to imagine myself an American Indian, a medieval outlaw, or some such bushwhacker.

	When the rain stopped, I couldn't untie the gun right away because of the drip from the trees. I was lying in a hollow and waiting when a twittering from the camp told me the Cimbrians were getting curious about their sentry. They put more wood on their fire, and a big party came out.

	When I saw they were coming towards me, I wriggled away to one side and untied the gun lock. They found the sentry's body and clustered round it, chattering. I put the gun to my shoulder. It was awkward, as the stock was shaped for Cimbrian arms and shoulders, and I couldn't see the sights. I cocked it and pulled the trigger. There was a click and a little shower of sparks, but no shot.

	I cocked the gun again, raised the firing-pan cover, scooped out the powder, replaced it by a pinch from my bucket, and tried again. The musket went off with a terrific bang and flash. I don't know if I hit any Cimbrians, but the group over the corpse flew apart as each Cimbrian dived for cover. A couple fired wildly in my general direction.

	When my sight returned after the flash, I groped away from there on a circuit round the camp. When I had gone nearly halfway, I stopped and reloaded, listening to the chorus of excited Cimbrian voices. Reloading a gun like that in the dark without making any noise is one of the toughest jobs you can imagine. You wrap a patch round the ball, place it on the muzzle of the upright barrel, force it into the barrel with a bullet-starting lever hinged to the muzzle, and hammer or push it down the rest of the way with the ramrod. As these guns were rifled, it took a lot of push, but I didn't dare pound the rod down.

	From the sounds, I judged the Cimbrians were spreading out to hunt me. I started hunting them in my turn.

	Soon I got close enough to one to stick my spear into him before he saw me. He screeched and his gun went off. It didn't hit me, but there was an outburst of Cimbrian chatter. My victim pulled loose and stumbled back to the camp.

	The flash brought all the others down upon me. I moved off to one side again, caught one against the campfire, and let him have it.

	The kick nearly ruined me. I must have overcharged the gun in the dark. Now, though, I had two muskets. I had an advantage in that there was only one of me, so I didn't have to worry about killing anybody on my side.

	After more twittering, all the Cimbrians ran back to the camp and piled into the houses. I could see musket barrels sticking out of the windows. Some of them moved things to make a rough barrier around the camp.

	I fired a few more shots at long intervals to keep them awake and unhappy. When the first gray of the long Turanian dawn appeared through the trees, I crept forward and called out.

	Intermundos is the interplanetary pidgin, based mainly on terran tongues. It was developed to be speakable by different species; hence it is phonetically simple, with only seven consonants and three vowels. It allows for variation in pronunciation: thus the s may stand for any voiceless fricative like f and h; n may be any nasal, and so on. (At that, it gives trouble to some species like the Serians who can't make nasal sounds.)

	Like most artificial languages, it has a grammar of the un-inflected isolating type, like Chinese, because that's the easiest to learn. Having a rigid word order it is good only for bare statements, and it takes twice as long to make them as in any natural language. I called:

	"Via las Sinvlianu! Na aki sal ain knaavu vun saaisu vun vuus?" meaning "Cimbrians! Where's your chief?" You see what I mean.

	There was movement in the camp. More gun barrels pointed in my direction. I repeated, and then a fluty Cimbrian voice called back in Intermundos:

	"Who are you and what do you want?"

	"You are surrounded."

	"So I see, but who are you?"

	"We are the earthmen."

	"Where did you get guns?" asked the voice.

	"None of your business. Where is the woman you took?"

	"None of your business. How many are you?"

	"About three hundred. Do you still want to fight?"

	"If you attack, we will kill the woman."

	"Ah, then she is alive!" I said.

	"She will not be for long, if you start shooting."

	"If you kill her, we will kill all of you."

	"If we give her up, you will kill us anyway, so we will keep her. But we will parley if you will send a man in."

	"We will, if you will keep to your camp during the parley and let our man leave unharmed, whatever the outcome."

	"He must come unarmed and alone," said the Cimbrian.

	I stuck my spear in the ground, leaned my muskets against a tree, and walked into the camp. As I climbed over the barricade, the Cimbrians swarmed out, pointing guns and twittering. When the leader identified himself, I said:

	"About this woman. I must see her to know if she is alive and well."

	"This way," he said, and led me through the crowd to the center of the camp, where the big cabin had been built over the hot spring. "Twi-an!" he called.

	Adrienne came to the door. She gave a shriek, grabbed me round the neck, and kissed me all over the face. I was so embarrassed I hardly knew what to do.

	"You have come!" she cried. "I hoped you would, but I was in despair. Do we go right now, no?"

	"Not yet," I said. "This is a parley."

	"But if you have a big army ..."

	"They still have you." I didn't dare come right out and say this was a bluff, because of the remote chance that some Cimbrian might know French. "First, how have you been?"

	"Well enough, though I cowered myself in the wash house all night, hoping that your bullets would not pierce the walls."

	"Are you the washerwoman?"

	"But yes! Look inside."

	I saw piles of plates and other gear around the hot spring. Adrienne's method was to put a lot of these things in a big net-bag and dunk them in the steaming pool. She pointed to a couple of wooden tubs, saying:

	"They make me scrub their backs. It's hard to get things really clean, though. These savages have no soap."

	"Well, I can fix that, but you'd have to take care — oh-oh, that gives me an idea. Here's a package from the people at Liberté."

	I opened the bundle. Adrienne squealed with delight. I handed her the cake of soap and said:

	"Let fall this into the hot spring. Then come out and stand close to me while I talk with the chief. Stand by for anything." I turned to the chief. "This woman is no good to us here," I said. "If you are going to keep her till she dies, you might as well kill her now. So, for the last time, will you give her up or must we kill you all?"

	"You would not kill us all," he said. It's hard to interpret those feline expressions, but he seemed to have a slight grin.

	"Why not?"

	"Then whom would there be for you to fight?"

	"You mean you think we like fighting with you?"

	"Of course. We would not kill you all for the same reason. What is life without an enemy?"

	"That is not our feeling. If we want to quarrel, we can do so among ourselves. We want you to let our woman go and never molest us again."

	The chief scratched his head fur. "You ask us to die of boredom. We might as well kill you and Twi-an now and defy your army."

	I was rambling away from the wash house as if I weren't going anywhere, but winding towards the place where I had entered the camp. Adrienne followed close behind.

	"Perhaps," said the chief, "we could agree on a series of challenge battles instead of these raids."

	"What do you mean?"

	"Every so often each side would choose an equal number of their best fighters. These could slaughter each other while the rest of us looked on."

	I was dealing with a psychology like that of a medieval knight or a primitive warrior to whom fighting is worth while for its own sake. I must be very careful ...

	A Cimbrian ran up and chittered at the chief. The latter whirled on me. "So! There is no terran army! It was all your doing!"

	He yelped to the others, who pointed and cocked their guns with a rattle of clicks.

	There was a sound behind us like the cough of some great beast; then a rumble, a swish, and a chorus of chirps from the Cimbrians, who started back towards the wash house.

	Adrienne and I turned to see the wash house flying straight up and falling apart into single logs. The hot spring had erupted.

	The Cimbrians ran towards the geyser, which rose to a height of more than a hundred feet. They checked their rush and tumbled back as logs and boiling water began to fall upon them. Their shrieking was almost drowned in the roar of the geyser.

	I grabbed Adrienne's wrist and pulled her over the barricade. We ran. I snatched up the two muskets, handed one to Adrienne, slung the other, picked up my spear, and ran on.

	Some Cimbrians saw us. There was a crackle of musket shots, and some bans clipped the twigs about us. We ran faster, stumbling over roots. I led her around towards the meadow and opened the gate in the fence.

	The geyser kept the Cimbrians too disorganized for prompt pursuit. By the time they boiled out of their village in all directions, I had untied the bridles of two horses from their stakes. I handed the bridles to Adrienne, saying: "Hold them tightly!"

	She took them in a gingerly manner. The horses were as scared as she was, rolling their eyes and pulling.

	"Please, monsieur!" she wailed. "I can't hold them!" They were skidding her along the grass.

	I chopped through the other bridles. When I finished, I heard Cimbrians whooping. I took the bridles from Adrienne, hitched them round my arm, and clasped my hands in front of me.

	"Put your foot there and mount," I said.

	When she had done so, I said: "Hold the mane, grip the animal's body with your legs, duck if you see a branch coming, and don't fall off!"

	"I'll t-try not to," she said. "I have never done this before, you know."

	I vaulted on to the other horse (since they weren't saddled). The freed horses were milling round. My skittish beast calmed down when he felt my weight. I didn't know the Cimbrians' system of guidance, but by slapping and pulling on the reins I got the animal turned towards the rest of the herd, and a kick sent him bounding in among them. Then I beat the horses with the shaft of my spear until they all bolted through the gate.

	My horse and Adrienne's followed. I lost my spear in the crush, but I was running out of hands and could only wish I'd been born a Virunian with four.

	The horses streamed out past the Cimbrian camp. Cimbrians flitted about and fired a few shots. The horses ran faster, spreading out into the gloom of the trees. Some tripped and fell but got up again.

	Soon the camp was out of sight and sound. The horses spread out and slowed down. Some stopped to nibble. Adrienne was off at the limit of vision.

	When I finally got to her I gathered up her reins and led her horse while guiding my own away from the Cimbrian camp. When we were safe, she asked:

	"What did you do to the source, monsieur?"

	"When I was a boy, my father took me to Yellowstone Park. They warn you not to drop soap in the geysers, because it makes them erupt out of turn."

	"How you are marvelous!" she said.

	"Aw, Adrienne!" I said. "I'm just lucky."

-

	The horses got so skittish at the sight of a swarm of human beings that we had to get off and lead them into Liberté. The Passivists went wild over us, all but Louis Motta. He hopped up on a stool and harangued the crowd:

	"Fools! Do you know what this assassin has done? He has brought the whole mass of the aliens upon us. They will burn; they will massacre; they will utterly destroy us! And you acclaim him!"

	"What do you expect us to do?" said a Passivist.

	"Arrest him and the Herz and hold them to give to the Cimbrians when they arrive. It's our only hope."

	The crowd looked astonished and uncertain.

	"Is that so?" said I, unslinging the gun from my back. "Get ready, Adrienne. The first one who touches us —"

	"No, no," said Adrienne. "Launch that old miserable from his taboret, and me, I'll manage the crowd."

	"Down, poltroon!" I said, pushing Motta so he had to jarap off.

	Adrienne leaped up in his place and began orating. (If die dear girl had a fault, it was a tendency, along with most women and especially French-speaking women, to screech when excited.) She yelled at them like one of those bloodthirsty characters out of the French Revolution:

	"... You think you can deal with these creatures? That they will take a couple of human souls and go? They are not after us. What they want is the war, the fighting, the bloodshed. It's their pleasure, their sport, their ideal."

	Motta shouted: "This is militaristic propaganda, the thing we fled Earth to escape! Psychology has proved that there's no combative instinct!"

	"You don't believe me?" continued Adrienne. "Ask Jules Egli if there haven't been peoples like that on Earth; he knows terran history. You have a choice, not of giving us up or retaining us, but of fighting or being killed ... Motta is no good for leading a war. He knows nothing of it, and it's against his principles. Choose another leader, one who knows about such things, one who has already shown the greatest address, audacity, intrepidity, and ingenuity in such ardent matters. Make him your general ..."

	When I realized she was pointing at me, I was so embarrassed that if there hadn't been a crowd all round me I should have sneaked off and hidden. Next thing I knew, the Passivists were slapping my back, making burlesque salutes, and asking for orders, while Motta screamed about unconstitutionality and burst into tears.

	A couple of other Passivists got up and started to make speeches too. I saw that they would go on orating until the Cimbrians came, under the impression that, if only they talked big enough, the nasty part of warfare would take care of itself. I dragged Adrienne, Carl Adorn, Maximilian Wyss, and the man who made my spear out of the crowd and asked them into the guest house. It was empty.

	"Where's Ramaswami?" I asked.

	Wyss said: "The tender is up making contact with your mothership. It will return in five or six days."

	"Pest!" I said. "I might have talked Kubala into lending us a machine gun. Well, let's see what we have."

	Four days later I had the quaintest army you ever saw. At that, I could never have done as much as I did if it hadn't been for the length of the Turanian days. There were about fifty warriors armed with improvised weapons. There were spears like the one I had taken to the Cimbrian camp, axes, hammers, clubs, wrenches, knives, and a couple of swords converted from scythe-blades. For defence I had all the women making wicker shields, two and a half feet square, with rope handles, from those reeds north of the village.

	I nearly went crazy trying to keep the Libertéans' minds on their duties. The minute I took my eyes off them they would start speech-making or wandering off to loaf or take care of their own business.

	By the fourth day I was none too popular. The people grumbled that the Cimbrians weren't coming after all and all this drilling and arming was a waste of time. They called me a dictator and a Napoleon. A few days more, and Motta could have staged a counter-revolution. I sent a messenger to Vaud on Nouvelle-Arcadie, asking for help, but the messenger never came back.

	On the fourth day, some of my fighters were throwing spears while others marched up and down the village and pretended to charge and retreat. I still didn't know how to cope with the Cimbrians' firearms. My best plan was to hold everybody behind the inner stockade while I shot our two muskets. If the Cimbrians tried to climb this wall, my people could knock them off as they came without much exposing themselves. I was worrying about these things when the lookout called down:

	"Holà! Monsieur Fay! They issue from the woods!"

	I banged the dinner-gong. The people in the fields ran for the inner stockade. The confusion was indescribable.

	"They have climbed the outer palisade!" called the lookout. A minute later there was a crackle of shots. The lookout fell off his platform into the middle of the street.

	The Passivists wailed: "Oh, this is terrible!"

	"We shall never succeed against these beasts with their fearful guns!"

	"What unhappiness! We are already beaten!"

	"Adrienne!" I yelled. "Egli! Where are you?"

	I gathered up my two muskets and ran to the east side of the village. I climbed up on the step and fired one gun at the oncoming Cimbrians. Then I ducked down, ran a few paces along the step, and fired the other. This was to make them think we had more than one rifleman.

	The last of the Passivists reached the east gate, which was slammed in the faces of the Cimbrians. My two loaders, Adrienne and Jules Egli, found me. I already had one gun nearly reloaded and presently fired at the Cimbrians from close range. This time, when the smoke cleared away, I had the satisfaction of seeing a Cimbrian lying on the ground. Others were trying to boost one of their number over the stockade. I ran to the place and hit the Cimbrian over the head as he came up. Then my helpers handed me another loaded gun.

	My officers had got the army into order and put them on the stockade. Relying on surprise, the Cimbrians hadn't brought any scaling ladders or other siege tools. They'd come damned close to success, too. Now they ran up and down outside the stockade, shooting when they saw the top of somebody's head.

	After I had laid out another with a musket shot, their leaders called them back. Carrying their dead and wounded, they trailed out through the outer gate and into the woods, all but a few who sat down with their backs to the outer wall. They were too far to hit with these short guns but near enough to watch us.

	As the day wore on, we heard sounds of carpentry from the woods. When nobody would climb the sentry tower again, because of what happened to the first lookout, I went up it myself.

	The Cimbrians were making equipment. I couldn't see details under the, shadow of the trees, but I could imagine scaling ladders, battering rams, mantlets, and torches to throw into the village. Once they got in, I wouldn't have given a brass farthing for my Utopians' chances. Though a sensible folk in most ways, the Arcadians were so unused to war that the thought of it made them as mercurial as children.

	I called a council of war in the guest house. The day was hot and sticky, so we sweated even in our nudity. Adrienne said:

	"How about an attack, to scatter them now while they make their ladders?"

	Adorn shook his head. "One good discharge and our people would flee all the length of the way to Nouvelle-Arcadie."

	"But it takes them time to charge their guns, the same as us," she insisted. "Once the first salvo is pulled, we could close before they could fire another. And the Cimbrians don't have those — what are those little pikes they used to put on the ends of guns?" she asked me.

	"Bayonets?"

	"Exactly. So when we came to hands, they would have nothing to fight with but clumsy clubs."

	Fankhauser, the knife maker, said: "No, when our people see half their number lying in their blood, they will not think of that any more. Even if they did, the Cimbrians need not shoot all their guns the first time. They could reserve some for a second discharge."

	"Well," said Adorn, "we can't wait for them to batter down our poor little wall and troop in."

	"How many could the boats carry?" I asked, pretty much in despair myself.

	Adorn said: "Perhaps sixty, if they are crowded in, in one voyage. We might evacuate the infants to Nouvelle-Arcadie, but we should have to detach some of our combatants to paddle."

	"The women could paddle," said Wyss.

	Adrienne said: "Too late for that. The Cimbrians could catch them between here and the beach. Gerald, my old, how many more gun shots have you?"

	I thought. "Perhaps twenty, if I don't stop a bullet myself."

	"And if it doesn't rain and get your powder wet." She turned to Wyss. "What about that? Is it likely to rain?"

	"It's probable," he said. "We have had a real drouth: five days without one drop."

	Adrienne and I stared at one another and both started to speak: "If we could wet their powder ..."

	"So no guns at all would go off ..."

	I said to Wyss: "Can you make a rain here? Now?"

	"If I had my iodide generator. The humidity is high enough."

	"Where is your apparatus? On the beach?"

	"Alas, yes. And they could shoot me enroute. But I will take the chance if you wish." The little man looked unhappy, but it's been said that the true hero is he who goes ahead even when terrified.

	I thought fast. Somebody should go to cover him. Adrienne and Egli and I knew how to load the muskets; Adrienne and I knew how to shoot, for I'd given her a little practice on the way to Liberté. I stood up and said:

	"Come, my friend. We go to the beach. Adrienne, take this gun and cover us from the west gate. If I don't get back, you and Jules will have to man the artillery, and Carl shall be general."

	"Oh, let me go instead," she said. "You're our best shooter as well as our commandant —"

	"Orders are orders. Carl, get our infantry together and explain the plan. We hope to drench them and then charge them."

	A vulgar American expression tells how scared I was inside. It shows what you'll do to look good in front of the girl you love.

	It was a little before we reached Liberté that I had found I was in love with Adrienne. Of course I said nothing. I knew my faults too well to suppose I could attract such a girl, despite the demonstration in the Cimbrian camp. She had merely been glad to see another human being and would have kissed Louis Motta.

	I had given hard thought to the matter, though. If I dared not speak my piece to Adrienne, I might quit my job and join the Arcadians to be near her and silently worship her.

	This prospect was grim, for I had found why, despite the Arcadians' many virtues, I didn't really like the place. The village atmosphere reminded me of Scorpion Rock, Arizona, to which my father moved when ill-health made him retire from the managership of World News, and where I spent a miserable boyhood.

	You see, my father is a very intellectual, sophisticated, internationalized man, and some of these attitudes rubbed off on me. The local folks in Scorpion Rock weren't. Hence the boys made life hell for me until I grew too big to be bullied. Give me a big anonymous city, where you needn't be sociable with anybody just because he lives near you.

	With Adrienne posted at the west gate, Wyss and I scooted for the beach, crouching. We made it without being seen. Wyss read dials and diddled with gadgets while I lay in the sand at the upper edge of the beach, my musket pointing towards the side of Liberté from which the Cimbrians might come.

	At last Wyss got his generator going. "Are you ready?" I whispered.

	"Not quite. I must adjust ..."

	"Holy name of a name! Hurry!"

	"In a moment ..." 

	Bang!

	The shot came, not from Liberté, but from my left rear, where the outer stockade ran down to the water. A Cimbrian had waded round the end; seeing us, he'd taken a quick shot, which missed. I rolled over and sat up. By the time I had my sights in line, the Cimbrian had slipped around the end of the stockade out of sight.

	I jumped up and had started in that direction, when it occurred to me that the shot would bring the rest. I'd better get back to Liberté. Maximilian Wyss was already running like a rabbit.

	I caught up with him halfway to the gate. We ran side by side. Then three Cimbrians appeared, running towards us through a melon patch.

	"Drop flat!" I shouted to Wyss.

	I did but he didn't. Two of their guns and mine went off at the same time. One of their group fell. So did Wyss.

	The Cimbrian who had fired but had not been hit started to reload, while the one who had not fired ran towards me. The beastly thing about muzzle loaders is not only that it takes so long to load them, but also that you have to stand up to do so. There I was, lying in the dirt with an empty flintlock while this fellow trotted up to put a ball through me at spitting range.

	Bang! A puff of smoke from the gate, and the running Cimbrian spun round with a screech and fell.

	I jumped up, gathered Wyss up under one arm, and ran for the gate. Beef sometimes has advantages. More Cimbrians appeared. There were several shots, but all passed safely aft of me.

	Inside, Adrienne was reloading like mad, her eyes shining. "Is the poor little Wyss dead?" she said.

	"Indeed not, young lady," said Wyss in a muffled voice. "I am wounded in the leg, and if it is not repaired I shall bleed to death. But I give you your rain."

	I turned Wyss over to the women. Adorn had collected the men by the east gate. Adrienne cried:

	"Gerald! Regard the beach!"

	A cluster of Cimbrians was standing round the meteorological apparatus, I suppose trying to figure out what we had been up to.

	It was a long shot, but I rested the barrel on the top of the stockade and squeezed it off. When the smoke cleared, the Cimbrians were scattering, but one had knocked over the stand on which the generator stood. We groaned.

	Somebody shouted to come to the east side. I went. Cimbrians were pouring through the gate in the outer stockade, carrying ladders, a ram made of a trunk with the branches trimmed to stubs for handles, and other siege gear. Adrienne and I began shooting into them, but they shot back so that we could barely duck down after each shot to avoid being riddled.

	On they came. Carl Adorn detached a few men to take care of scaling ladders; I pushed one ladder over backwards with a gun-butt. The ram hit the gate with a boom and a cracking of strained wood.

	There came another boom — but this wasn't the ram; it was thunder. A drop hit my hand. A thundercloud had formed over the village.

	In five seconds, the rain came down with a roar. There were a couple more shots from the Cimbrians, and the damp sput of misfires.

	I jumped down and ran to the east gate, which still bulged and shook from the blows of the ram. I said: "Carl, help me pull back this bolt!"

	The big timber that held the gate closed was cracked and bent from the blows so that it wouldn't move. While we struggled with it, the ram struck again, boom! The gate flew open, sagging on shattered hinges. Adorn and I leaped back. The momentum of the ram carried the front end of it into the village.

	I stepped forward, grabbed the stub-end of a branch, and pulled the tree trunk inward, the way it was going. There was only one of me to twenty Cimbrians, but they're lightly built and weren't expecting a pull in that direction. The whole double string of them, ten on a side, came staggering into Liberté before they had the sense to let go.

	I picked up my musket and began whacking them with the butt. The Passivists swarmed about with hammers and hatchets. In ten seconds the Cimbrians were all either down or fled.

	We crowded through the gate and fell upon the Cimbrians outside. There wasn't any formal charge, just a brawl; forty-odd naked men, slipping and scrambling, with mud and blood running off them in the rain, tearing into sixty or seventy Cimbrians with their hair plastered in clumps by the wet.

	I slugged with my gun butt until the stock broke. Then I picked up a dropped shield and kept on swinging the musket barrel. Even such a simple defence as a wicker shield gives a big advantage over somebody who has none. The Cimbrians wielded gun butts, knives, and hatchets, but to less effect than we did.

	The Cimbrians began falling back towards the outer gate. They got jammed going through it, and we hacked and hammered and thrust and stabbed until we won through the gate over a carpet of fallen Cimbrians.

	"Keep after them!" I shouted in a hoarse croak. I must have been yelling all the time. "Don't let them make a stand!"

	The Cimbrians who had got through the gate ran off into the woods. The rain had stopped, though it still ran off the trees.

	We caught no more Cimbrians, because they run faster than men. We did come on some untying their horses, chased them away, and took the horses ourselves. We had four killed (besides the sentry) to at least sixteen of them, but nearly all of us had cuts, bruises, or graver hurts.

	I recalled most of our men by shouting and started back. We entered the village expecting heroes' welcomes.

	Nobody met us. In fact, there seemed to be nobody there until Louis Motta ran out.

	"You fools!" he screamed. "Vaud came, but not to aid us! He has taken all the women and infants back to Nouvelle-Arcadie! He and his men assembled the littles, and that menace made the women go quietly."

	We stared stupidly, then ran through the village and down to the beach. All the canoes were gone; but, in plain sight a hundred yards out, the whole flotilla bobbed on its way to the island.

	The men jumped and howled, but that didn't stop the rise and fall of the paddles. Motta declaimed:

	"Now you see what comes of putting confidence in outsiders. Ten minutes sooner and you could have arrested this violation. But no, our great General Fay thinks not of that. This type takes every man in Liberté except Wyss and me, so there is nobody to warn you."

	"Where were you?" I said. "Why didn't you warn us?"

	"Because I was under the bed of Wyss, that's why. I hid myself there when I saw what they did, and I had no chance to get out until now. Wyss they did not hurt, but neither could they move him in his condition.

	"Now, citizens, listen to me. Always have I been a man of peace, me, Louis Motta. I have offered the soft answer and turned the other cheek. But this, it is too much. I shall myself conduct you to vengeance and reparation ..."

	Motta was good when he got steamed up. Some grumbled and asked what was the matter with the general they had. I stammered something about being available, but Motta tore into me, denounced my incompetence, and had me twisting my big feet in the sand with nothing to say like a dumb schoolboy.

	"First," he said, "we must build new boats to replace those that have been stolen ..."

-

	I watched Motta's new fleet paddle away with lugubrious feelings. Motta had refused to let me come along, I suppose for the obvious reasons.

	Although the prospect of a battle terrifies me, I wanted to rescue Adrienne myself. For three days I quarreled furiously with Motta. He had got his political grip back on his men and threatened to have me locked up if I opposed him. Adorn might have helped me if he hadn't been badly hurt in the fight at the outer gate. So I stood on the beach like a big booby, wondering if I ought not to have throttled Motta and chanced a fight with his men.

	I slouched back to the guest house to drink Turanian wine with Arthur Ramaswami. While the new canoes had been building, the tender had come back.

	"Cheer up, Gerry," said Ramaswami. "We're taking off for good in a few days, and you can forget all this. You've been hero enough for one trip."

	I had drunk myself fuzzy and was blubbering into my mug when there was a scuff of feet. A Passivist dashed in.

	"Monsieur Fay!" he cried between gasps. "We are fools again! All is lost, because you were not there to lead us!"

	I focussed on the man with an effort. "What's lost? And how did you get back so soon?"

	"It is a disaster of the most insupportable! Listen; I tell you. We disembark at Elysée in full daylight — and there's no one! But nobody!

	"So, we march like real soldiers into the town. We assemble in the square. Motta makes a harangue, full of the noblest sentiments. We are fired with patriotism. The perfidious enemy has fled, says he, but he has taken our dear ones.

	Very well, we shall march the length and breadth of the island seeking the cowardly traitor. Motta draws us up in a column. He puts himself at the head. He gives the signal. Maurice Rahn beats the drum. We march into the forest.

	"Then out of nowhere come the forces of Vaud. They are not only more than we; they not only surprise us; they are better armed. While we have been making boats, Vaud has been improving upon our armament. Instead of our bucklers of osier and our hatchets, his men have shields, helmets, and even some cuirasses of the bark of the leather tree, bound with strips and hoops of iron. They have swords and spears of iron. They throw the spears and precipitate themselves upon us with the swords, menacing us with horrible cries. Our musketeers shoot in a wild manner; they hit two or three Activists. Then the foe is upon us.

	"Thus, Motta is struck down in the first charge. The rest flee. Some are cut down; some are made prisoner. A bare half escape in our boats, mostly without weapons. And afterwards?"

	I looked at Ramaswami, who said: "The old man won't lend you guns. He might have done so to help you repulse the Cimbrians, but not for an inter-human feud."

	I said to the Passivist: "I don't suppose it occurred to Motta to send scouts out on all sides?"

	"But no, monsieur, why should it? Now that you say it, I see that this would be sage. But it is not a thing that would suggest itself to one who knows nothing of war."

	"And I don't suppose anybody had time to chop holes in Vaud's boats before shoving off?"

	"No."

	"Then it seems to me as if the game were over."

	"But monsieur, we debated the matter during our return, and we want you for our general again. It was only the rhetoric of the foolish Motta, and the fact that you are an outsider, that made us abandon you before."

	"Thanks, but what can I do? Vaud's got the guns, most of the men, and all the women and children. You might as well make your peace with him."

	"Excuse me, but that's impossible. When we were in process of paddling away, he stood on the shore and commanded us to return and submit. He menaced us that if we refused, he would never receive us but would have us shot at first view.

	One of us hurled an insult, and Vaud tried to pull a musket at us. He did not know how to make it work well, so he missed. But he has made his sentiments evident."

	"Well, what then?"

	"We want you to lead us. You have already accomplished the impossible, and you can do it again."

	There didn't seem anything to do, though. I walked far up the beach to think. Night attacks — surprise attacks — psycho-' logical offensives — guerilla warfare — all the rest of it.

	My predicament was complicated by the fact that I didn't really want to kill Activists. It was easy to work up a battle lust against the Cimbrians, who are another species. No doubt they felt the same about us. And I certainly didn't want any women or children killed. Or Adrienne.

	I started to sit down on a log; then flinched at the memory of my sting. I looked at the log. No vespoid; but the memory started a train of thought.

-

	Three nights later, before dawn, we paddled up to the shore of Nouvelle-Arcadie, not at Elysée but a few hundred yards north of it.

	We climbed ashore looking like spooks from a Gothic novel. Each wore a coverall, a bag with eye holes over his head, goggles over the bags, more bags on his feet, and work gloves. The gloves, goggles, and coveralls we had borrowed from the tender's stores, as they were not weapons. The bags we made. Most of us carried our usual wicker shields and hand weapons, but eight had large cloth bags tied shut. These bags buzzed ominously when jostled.

	Carefully carrying our bags, we crept through the woods. The sky had begun to lighten when we sighted the camp. They had a sentry pacing the beach but hadn't thought to watch the landward side. Because of the lack of large animals on the island, Elysée had never been walled.

	We crept up to the edge of the fields. I passed the word, when we were drawn up in a line, to walk briskly towards the village until we were discovered, then to run. We started.

	We were halfway across when the sentry cried: "Halte-là!" and then: "Mon dieu!" He fired his musket.

	We swept across the field without caring for the vegetables. The shot brought out the Activists, rubbing the sleep out of their eyes. At the sight of us they gave back with cries of horror.

	As soon as we got inside the village, each of us that had a bag slashed it open with his knife. Out came a big battered vespoid-nest and a swarm of furious insects. As the Activists boiled out with weapons, the vespoids set upon them. They attacked us, too, but our clothes kept out all but a few stings, whereas with the Activists they had a clear field.

	In a few seconds the Activists and their captives were a screaming mob running for the woods and the sea, jumping and slapping.

	Half an hour later we had gathered up their weapons and fished Henri Vaud out of Taylor Sea. The vespoids had scattered. The Activists, seeing that we had won this throw, straggled back. Adrienne had one eye nearly shut from a sting on the cheek but was still the loveliest thing I'd ever seen. She looked at our masked faces.

	"Is one of you Monsieur Fay?" she asked.

	"I am," I said, taking off my disguise.

	She grabbed me again as she had done in the Cimbrian camp. "I knew you'd come," she said at last.

	"Ahem," said Vaud. "What do you do now, miscreant?"

	"Me?" said I, looking innocent. "Why, nothing. Your people have a perfect democracy; let them settle their differences in a civilized manner. My party will use the guns only to keep order. Let's go for a walk, Adrienne."

	On the beach I said: "I must go back to the mainland at once, my little."

	"Go? But you can't — I mean to say, why?"

	"The tender takes off this afternoon, and I must be there if I don't want to spend the next ten or fifteen years — terran years, that is — on Turania."

	"Couldn't we persuade you to stay? The Cimbrians still menace us."

	"No, my dear. I have my own business. But I shall certainly miss you." I gave a histrionic sigh. "If I had a girl like you on Earth — but of course there aren't any."

	"What's so difficult about that?"

	For a couple of seconds I dared not breathe for fear of spoiling something. "Why — uh — hey, you don't mean you'd marry me and go too, do you?"

	"Certainly, stupid, if properly demanded. But didn't you tell me that in your civilization, the man offers the hand?"

	Let us be drawing a veil over the next minute. Some things are sacred even to newspaper correspondents. Then I said:

	"Are you sure you want to leave? This has been your home since you were a small child; your parents are here ..."

	She frowned. "Gerald my adored, first, is it well heard that I have accepted you for love and not for material advantages? Otherwise I'll take it back."

	"D'accord."

	"Well then, to tell the truth, this rustic paradise bores me to distraction. Our chiefs always tell us how ideal it is to live simply in a little village. Me, I think I prefer the big wicked cities, where something happens. I even want to learn to wear clothes. Perhaps I am one of those lascivious degenerates of whom Vaud has warned us."

	"Well, let's degenerate together, then. I too had my fill of the simple life as a kid of Arizona." I kissed her and led her back to Elysée.

	Politics raged in the village. At least five people were making speeches. One demanded Vaud's impeachment; another called for a new constitutional convention; a third urged that they make him dictator.

	Adrienne went to bid her parents farewell while I gathered the borrowed ship's stores, which I loaded into a canoe. Without asking permission, we shoved off and paddled eastward. A violent storm caught up with us, but we hardly noticed.

	Turania's surprises weren't over. The rain stopped before we reached the mainland. When it lifted, a swarm of figures appeared coming down to the beach. As I got closer, I saw both men and Cimbrians. A couple of the latter carried modern-looking guns, but the rest seemed unarmed.

	I wondered what had happened now: if the Cimbrians had come back despite their beating, or what. The village had lain undefended save for a few wounded men. I swung the canoe around to be ready to flee.

	Czeslaw Kubala bellowed: "Gerry Fay! Come on in! It's all right!"

	We came in. These Cimbrians looked more civilized" than the others. Although, like the others, they grew their own fur coats, they wore broad belts with shiny gadgets on them.

	Kubala wrung my hand and said: "Is this young lady going with us?"

	"Yes. Do you remember Mademoiselle Herz, once the mail-girl of Liberté but now my fiancée?"

	"Enchanted! Congratulations and felicitations. I expect a few more fugitives from paradise before we lift." Kubala indicated the shiniest Cimbrian. "Gerry, this is Captain — uh — Kiatiksu Satsitu, or that's how it comes out in Intermundos. He's skipper of the other ship whose tender you see."

	"What other tender?" I said.

	Kubala jerked his thumb. I saw a second steel nose above the trees. Kubala said: "Good lord, didn't you hear it come down?"

	"My mind was on other things. But what about the Cimbrians?"

	"They've got a ship in orbit too. It seems they stopped by for the same reason we did, to see how their colony was coming."

	Captain what's-his-name said in Intermundos: "We must apologize to you and to the terran colony, sir, for the harm you have sustained from our colonists. An indemnity shall be paid when this imbroglio is adjusted. We may remove our colony to the other side of the planet, where they will not soon again come in contact with you."

	"Thanks," I said. "But why did they attack us?"

	"We are a civilized folk, sir. Nothing like this has been allowed on Cimbria for thousands of years.

	"Some, however, find our peaceful and orderly life uncongenial. A group of these restless persons gained permission to settle here, where they could live a life the opposite of ours: irregular, carefree, adventurous, even quarrelsome. We did not know they would come into conflict with your colony."

	I asked: "Why are they armed with flintlocks? Modern guns I could understand, or being unarmed like our colonists I could understand, but why these archaic, obsolete weapons?"

	'That was the doing of the Interplanetary Conservation Commission. The colonists wanted modern weapons; the Committee wanted to deny them all firearms lest they deplete the fauna. So this was a compromise." The Cimbrian paused. "Our people's aim was to set up a — what is that word which earthmen use for an ideal society?"

	"A Utopia?"

	"Thank you, sir; that is it. A Utopia."

The End

* * * * * *
Book information

A GUN FOR
DINOSAUR
AND
OTHER
IMAGINATIVE
TALES

by L. Sprague de Camp

CURTIS BOOKS
MODERN LITERARY EDITIONS PUBLISHING COMPANY
NEW YORK, N.Y.

Copyright © 1963 by L. Sprague de Camp 

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 63-7693 

Published by arrangement with Doubleday & Company, Inc.

All of the characters in this book (except for figures from ancient history) are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Dedication: To Conway and Helen Zirkle

A Gun for Dinosaur originally appeared in Galaxy Science Fiction, March 1956. © 1956 by Galaxy Publishing Corporation. Reprinted in The World That Couldn't Be and 8 Other Novelets from Galaxy; edited by H. L. Gold.
Aristotle and the Gun originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, February 1956. © 1956 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc. The Guided Man originally appeared in Startling Stories, October 1952. Copyright 1952 by Better Publications, Inc.
Internal Combustion originally appeared in Infinity Science Fiction, February 1956. © 1955 by Royal Publications, Inc.
Cornzan the Mighty originally appeared in Future Science Fiction, No. 28. © 1955 by Columbia Publications, Inc.
Throwback originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, March 1949. Copyright 1949 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.
Judgment Day originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, August 1955. © by Street & Smith Publications, Inc. Reprinted in The Best Science Fiction Stories and Novels, edited by T. E. Dikty.
Gratitude originally appeared under the title Property of Venus in Galaxy Science Fiction, July 1955. © 1955 by Galaxy Publishing Corporation.
A Thing of Custom originally appeared in Fantastic Universe Science Fiction, January 1957. © 1956 by Ring-Size Publications, Inc. Reprinted in Fantastic Universe Omnibus, edited by Hans S. Santesson.
The Egg originally appeared in Satellite Science Fiction, October 1956. © 1956 by Renown Publications, Inc.
Let's Have Fun originally appeared in Science Fiction Quarterly, May 1957. © 1957 by Columbia Publications, Inc.
Impractical Joke originally appeared in Future Science Fiction, No. 29. © 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.
In-Group originally appeared in Marvel Science Fiction, No. 30. Copyright 1952 by Stadium Publishing Corporation.
New Arcadia originally appeared in Future Science Fiction, No. 30. © 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 

All Rights Reserved

* * * * * *
Back cover

To the names of S-F. masters
RAY BRADBURY, 
ROBERT HEINLEIN, 
ISAAC ASIMOV, 
ARTHUR C. CLARKE
add the name, 
L. SPRAGUE DE CAMP

An established entertainer conjures up old and new worlds.... There are trips in time — a safari back to the Upper Cretaceous and a tyrannosaur too big to handle, and forward to a Utopian colony on another planet...

"A 100-foot snake, 3000-pound ape men, extraterrestrial plants and people.... There's a variety, invention and humor which gives this a definite superiority in the genre."
 — Virginia Kirkus 
Bulletin

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