*Troubled Relationship*



Q:  I would like to discuss a troubled relationship that I'm in.

B:  Trouble.  Oh goody!  All right.  Proceed.

Q:  I'm in a relationship with a woman.  We have been  on  again  off  again
for several years.  We've been living together for about the last  year  and
a half.  And it seems to  have  gotten  to  a  threshold  where  a  physical
separation again seems inevitable.  The paradox seems to  be  that  we  both
love each other, but on a day-in and day-out level we can't seem  to  really
connect with each other in a way that is mutually empowering.

B:  Let us discuss this idea of relationship specifically.  The notion  that
you  love  each  other  deeply  doesn't  mean  in  and  of  itself  how  the
relationship ought to be played out.  The notion that you  love  each  other
deeply  simply  means  that  you  have  brought  yourselves  together  in  a
relationship to reflect to each other whatever  it  is  you  need  to  learn
about yourselves from each other within the relationship.

The fact that you were drawn into relationships through love is  simply  the
mechanism that gets you there - to allow you to be open to  whatever  it  is
you need to learn about yourself, and in  order  to  choose  from  what  you
learn in the  relationship  about  what  you  really  prefer  for  yourself.
Sometimes the reality that you recognize yourself to be, or the reality  you
prefer, doesn't necessarily synchronize in all the details with the  reality
that the other person in the relationship needs for himself or herself.

That doesn't mean there is not love in the relationship just because it  may
not flow in the expected direction, or the direction you  have  been  taught
to expect it must flow in.  Love is still there  because  love  is  bringing
you together so you can learn what you need to learn.   And  sometimes  what
you may need to learn is simply that your vibration,  and  their  vibration,
are not necessarily synchronized in the way that will allow  you  to  remain
interacting in the way  that  you  think,  but  may  choose  other  ways  to
interact -- by being more yourself in a certain direction, by allowing  that
other individual to be more themselves in a certain direction.   Being  true
to yourself is  paradoxically,  as  you  say,  the  way  to  "stay"  in  the
relationship.  But that doesn't necessarily  mean  that  you  will  actually
physically stay together.  You understand what we are saying so far?

Q:  Very well.  Thank you.  Yes.

B:  The idea is to really be true to who you really are  to  allow  yourself
to grow and learn what it is you really want, what your life  should  really
be for you, and for the other person as well.  Because if you're  not  being
true to yourself, if you're not really being who you  are,  if  they're  not
being true to their self, and being who they  really  are,  and  having  the
life they really want - then you're not in a relationship  with  each  other
anyway.  You're in a relationship with someone who you think they are;  they
are in a relationship with who they think you are. But if it's not the  real
you, then you are not trusting that the true you, whoever that may  be,  and
the true other person, whoever they may be - you're not  trusting  that  the
true you has a real relationship unto itself.  Whatever  the  definition  of
that relationship may be you won't find out  what  it  is  until  you  allow
yourselves to be the true you that you each need to be. You follow along?

Q:  Yes, I do.

B:  Does this help you?

Q:  A lot.

B:  Is this clear enough?  Or is there some other aspect of  this  you  feel
needs clarifying or would like to discuss before you feel you have what  you
need?

Q:  Well, the implication of what you're saying,  in  the  specifics  of  my
situation, sounds like if we don't feel we can truly be who we are, in  what
we consider to be the form of the relationship that we've  been  taught,  as
you put it...

B:  Yes.

Q:  ...uh, then what we should be about is creating a relationship in  which
we can be the best of who we can be, whatever that relationship looks  like.
 Is that an accurate reflection?

B:  In a sense.  Yes.  What we are more  specifically  saying  is  that  you
should be on and about creating the relationship that you need to  be  with,
that you need to express yourself as.  And if for  some  reason  that  means
you cannot physically be with that person, then that's what it  means.   But
it really will not matter to either of you.  Because if  you're  being  your
true self  you're  going  to  attract  whatever  people  need  to  be  in  a
relationship with you and they will feel like  the  right  people,  and  you
won't really care who it is, because it will feel correct.

However, again paradoxically, when you each allow yourselves to be the  real
people you need to be,  then  there  really  is  no  reason  why  you  can't
continue to interact with each other  throughout  your  life  in  some  way,
shape or form, because you're being honest with each other about who  it  is
each of you needs to  be.   And  therefore  there's  no  fear.   There's  no
threat.  There's no arguing.  There's no conflict between you.  Because  you
can still love each other for whom you are.  You can love  the  relationship
for whatever form it  takes.   And  you  can  communicate  with  each  other
because you know that you are helping each other really be who you  need  to
be, even if that means helping you be with someone else, if that's whom  you
need to be with in a specific way.  That's unconditional  love.   Does  that
help  clarify  the  issue  further?   Does   that   answer   your   question
sufficiently?

Q: Yes, it does, very much.

B:  Well thank you very much for sharing this aspect of your being with us.