*Learning How Attitude Changes Our Experience* Q: (A child about 9 or 10) Hi. B: Hi! Q: I wanted to know... I was having some problems recently with my family... B: All right. Q: And I don't know, I've just been having... I've been being really inconsiderate. B: Inconsiderate, in what way? Q: I wouldn't think about what I was doing. I mean I would do something and not think about how the other person would feel about it. I mean... B: All right. But are the things that you do -- do you mean to hurt those other people? Q: No. B: All right. Then first and foremost don't be too hard on yourself. If after you do something like that, and you feel that it was something you really did not want to do and that you were hurting those other people, once you become aware of that, then simply allow yourself to recognize that it may not be something you wish to do again. And then simply don't do it. You do not have to be angry with yourself. You do not have to worry about yourself. You do not have to think less of yourself. If you did it, you did it; it is over and done with. If it has allowed you to learn that you don't want to do that again, then simply don't do it again, and there will be no reason to think badly of yourself. Q: But that's my problem -- that I tell myself I won't do it again, and then I do it again. B: All right. What is it that you are doing that seems to be so hurtful? Q: Well, like... let me give you an example. B: All right. Q: The other night I had a friend sleep over. B: Yes. Q: And my Mom wanted us to go to sleep, and I was kind of arguing that I didn't want to. And I didn't notice that my friend was tired. And then finally when we did go to sleep she just totally fell asleep. And I didn't realize that she was tired and that she fell asleep. (Half crying) B: All right. All right. There is no need to feel badly; it is all right. Now, why do you think that you would like to change? Q: Because I don't like hurting people's feelings. B: All right. Do understand that even though this might be something you can change, that if at first you don't mean to hurt their feelings, then individuals can choose to believe that their feelings are hurt whether you are actually doing anything about it or not -- whether you are the cause of it or not. Individuals can act like they are hurt when they don't have to. You understand so far? Q: Yeah. B: So it's not always going to be because of what you are doing -- not always. People can act like their feelings are hurt when you have done nothing truly to hurt their feelings. So do not always think that you always are responsible, just because someone is acting hurt. There may be, in what you are doing, something that they need to look at as well. Now, you are attempting to take responsibility for your actions, and this is beautiful, and we love you. But responsibility doesn't always mean blame; responsibility means the freedom to act as you prefer to act. Now, if you feel that you are being hurtful, that you are being inconsiderate, that you are being thoughtless, then this may be a reaction to the times when you perhaps believed that someone else was being thoughtless about you. You may simply be creating a reaction because perhaps you feel that other individuals are not being considerate, or in the past have not been considerate about you. Are there times when you believed that other individuals have not been considerate of you? Q: Well, I know that I'm often inconsiderate with my mother, and... B: But that is not my question. One moment. Q: Yes, But she isn't inconsiderate with me. And... (Crying) B: All right; all right. Now also understand something else: in no way does this mean that you are any less than anyone. But, as we perceive it, you are still what you call a child in your society, and you are learning the things you need to learn. Do not think for a moment that you are incapable of learning. It is not a problem; a problem is only the way you have been taught to think about this situation. A problem is only a situation that you will not allow to change. Let's play around and experiment with something if you are willing. All right? Q: Okay. B: Let's assume for now that you are saying that you are in a habit. And that this habit is that, before you think of anything else to do, you believe that you act inconsiderately. All right, but that doesn't mean there aren't other things and other ways you do think of to act as well. You follow me? You do know that there are other ways to be -- yes? Q: Yeah. B: All right. Now, if you find that you are acting, in your estimation, inconsiderately, then do not add to the problem by being harsh with yourself, because that does not allow you to change. What will allow you to change is to acknowledge -- as you are doing now, but not in a sorrowful way -- that you were perhaps inconsiderate. Say, "All right, all right: I now stop myself. I realize I was being inconsiderate. All right. So I chose to be inconsiderate; so maybe I believe I have a habit that the first thing I will do is be inconsiderate. All right, I believe I have a habit. However, I now acknowledge, I take responsibility for having that habit. Which means I'm not trying to get rid of this idea; it means I am willing to accept that that's the way I believe I am right now. That's the way I have chosen to be." As soon as you accept that that is the way you are, then it is easier to change. But if you find that you are being that way and you don't like it and you try to get rid of it - if you don't face it and you are judgmental, if you are harsh on yourself -- then you are not using your energy to change. You are using your energy to stay the same. Because all you are doing is scolding yourself, and in scolding yourself you are being inconsiderate of you. So if you are going to find that, from time to time, you may be inconsiderate of others, all right, take responsibility for that, as you are doing. But what will allow you to stop doing that is to first stop being inconsiderate of you. There is nothing wrong with you. If you have that habit, you have it for a reason; it is there for you to learn something. Perhaps it is there for you to learn how easy it is to be considerate of other people. So if you will remember the following thing: everything happens in life for a reason. You chose to be in this life, whether you remember so or not, you chose to be born in this life. And you choose the situations that you are in, in life. So allow yourself to realize that you knew what you were doing when you chose to be born in this life, and that you would not do pointless things. You would not choose to come into this life and have a pointless life where things could occur that have no reason for being there -- where things could occur that make no sense. The things that occur in your life are there for a reason. So the first thing you can do is treat yourself as if /even/ the things you don't like are there for a reason -- to get you to learn something about yourself. And if you're willing to simply learn it, and not scold yourself, then you will change. But the idea is that everything you do experience has a place, has a reason for being there. It is there to teach you something. When you spend time feeling sorry for yourself, and being inconsiderate of yourself because of the things that happen, then you are not learning the lessons in these situations, and then you are not changing in the way you say you want to. So, first of all, don't be so hard on you, even when you might be hard on others. The only reason you are hard on them, and inconsiderate of them, is because you are afraid. You are afraid that what they are doing will not let you be who you are. But there is no way that this life will not let you be who you are. Everyone that you interact with, you are interacting with for the purpose of allowing you to be who you want to be. You do not have to be afraid that situations will interrupt your life and not bring you what you want. All situations are in your life because you want them there, because there are things you want to learn from them so that you can become who you want to be. Q: But how come... I understand that I learn from things that happen, and I think about that afterwards -- what I learned... B: Yes? Q: ... and what I can do so that they won't happen again. But they keep happening anyway. B: That is simply because your fear is greater than your curiosity at this point. Do you like to explore things? Do you like to explore things more -- or do you find that you are more afraid of what you might find when you explore things? When something new happens, when some situation in your life happens, do you find that you would rather not know why it happened? Or would you rather explore how you can use it, how you can learn from it? Q: It depends on what happens. B: All right, but you see, that's the point. You are making the distinction that it matters what happens, and that there is a difference. And it is that difference you are making that does not let you feel that everything can be learned from. There are no situations that are too horrible to learn something from. And it is only your belief that the situation is horrible that doesn't let you learn something from it. There are no horrible situations. There are only beliefs of horror. There are no horrible situations. You can learn something positive from anything. Be willing to look at everything. Be curious. When your curiosity overcomes your fear, then you will stop punishing yourself, and these things will not continue to happen. But you see, it is also an illusion that these things keep happening. Nothing ever happens twice -- nothing. It is a different thing. It may appear to be similar, but it is not the same situation because it is not the same time. It is another time, and that is enough to let you know it is not the same situation. What makes you feel that you have a problem is that you have been taught to believe that when it appears to be happening again, you really think it is happening again. Think that it is not happening again. Think, this is happening for the first time -- because it is. It is not the same situation. It's never exactly the same circumstance. And you are not failing at something. You are exploring many facets of the same idea. So when you learn something from the first situation, you then create perhaps a similar situation. But it is different in important ways. Explore the differences. Do not focus on how the situation is the same; focus on how it is different. That is your clue. Do not think it is happening again. When you allow yourself to believe it is not happening again, that it is not repeating, but allow yourself to believe that it is different, and focus on how it is different, then your attitudes will change. And when your attitudes change, your reality will change. Your experiences will change, and very soon you will understand that you have never -- ever, ever -- done anything /again/. So focus on what is different about the situation, not about what is the same, and that will make a difference. You understand? Q: Yes. I wanted to know... a few days ago I was up in Yosemite National Park. Well, something happened... B: What happened? Q: We were ice-skating -- about ten other kids with me -- then we decided to walk back to our cabins, a place which was about one or one and a half miles. And we got lost... B: Not really. But I understand what you mean. Q: Yeah, we couldn't find our way back. And I was trying to think... B: All right. Q: ... what I had learned. B: All right. Well, here's one thing you can learn right now: you are never truly lost -- never. Anywhere you find yourself is where you need to be. And also, you are never truly alone. You are a beautiful part of the whole universe. And the whole universe is alive. Alive! Even if you were out in those woods all by yourself, you are never alone. All you need to do if you find yourself in that situation is to know you are not alone, and ask to be shown that you are not alone. And instantly you will know where you are and where you need to go. Just open your heart. Q: Well, something like that happened and, well, after a while, when I was really, like, praying and meditating, while we were walking along this road a lady came by and she told us how to get back; and she brought us back. B: There you are. That is all you need. Q: But still -- I don't know what I learned? B: You learned that you were able to attract to you someone who could help, that you are never really alone. That's what you learned. You put yourself in a situation temporarily where you forced yourself to face the idea of whether you would believe you were really lost or not. And what you did, and what you succeeded perfectly at, was proving to yourself that you can never really be lost, that there will always be some way that you will find where it is you need to go. That's what you learned. You understand? Q: Yes, I do. B: Thank you very much, and may I tell you something? Q: Yes. B: I love you. Q: I love you, too. B: Thank you. Sharing!