SHOPPING, A LA FERENGI
     
                                         by Metadine
     
     Not everyone has had the dubious pleasure of shopping at a Ferengi
     establishment.  For those who have that experience yet before them, a few
     pointers might be useful.
     
      
     
     First, it's wise to understand at least a few of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. 
     The most important ones to remember : Rule 1, get their money; Rule 2, never
     give it back.  Let me give you an example.
     
     
     
     I had finally wrangled an invitation to the Gala Celebration of, well, let that be
     my little secret.  The important thing to know is that I desparately needed a new
     tunic .  Shopping at Deep Space-10 is still limited since the facility is still under
     construction, and there was no time to catch a runabout to Deep Space-9.  The
     only clothing  establishment open at DS-10 was owned and operated by Keerlu, a
     Ferengi.   With no other options available to me, I entered the shop and asked
     how long it would take to fit me with a new tunic. 
     
     
     
     "It is a waste of material to clothe a female, even a hew-mon female,"  Keerlu
     snapped.  "Why should I waste good material?"
     
     
     
     I have to admit, his attitude irritated me.  "I would assume the possibility of a
     profit would gain your attention.  And, not that it's any of your business, I am
     NOT a human female!"  
     
     
     
     He looked at me carefully then, a crafty gleam coming into his eyes. "Hmmm,
     perhaps so.  You require a dress, a special outfit?"  All his teeth were showing in
     his grin.
     
     
     
     "No, just a simple, well-fitted tunic will do.  That is all I require," I told him
     firmly.  "How long would it take?" 
     
     
     
     "One day.  No problem, special work order and we guarantee delivery of 
     merchandise within 24 hew-mon hours."  This sounded acceptable. I ordered a
     standard Starfleet cut, tailored to my rather generous proportions.  "We have
     much material here.  That will 
     be 2 latinum-pressed gold strips."  (Ferengi First Rule of Acquisition - get the
     money.)
     
     
     
     The 2 gold strips was a shock to my finances, but as I said, I really needed that
     tunic.  Keerlu  scanned my measurements and said to return at 1400 hours the
     next day.  I left, serene in the knowledge that the problem was solved.  Now all I
     had to do was finish my travel arrangements and go.
     
     
     
     The travel arrangements were the least of my problems.  An old friend offered to
     let me "ride free" in return for acting as security officer on the trip.  That settled, I
     packed, got a good night's sleep and at the appointed time, went to gather up my
     tunic
     . 
     
     
     
     That was when the real trouble started.   I had indicated a preference for red and
     black (a hangover from my security forces days I guess) and Keerlu had
     cheerfully agreed they were nice colors for me.  However.... what the Ferengi
     handed me was ....startling, to say the least.  Instead of black, the main body was
     light tan.  Where it should have been red, there was a strange mingled
     orange-purple-gold vague pattern.   Some of the "finishing touchs"  will NEVER
     be seen on a regulation Starfleet tunic.   Worse, the fit was perfect, so I could not
     refuse it on those grounds.  But the COLORS!!
     
     
     
     "This will ABSOLUTELY  not do," I fumed at Keerlu.  "I said red and black,
     not....not whatever THIS is!  I want my money back." ( That was when I
     encountered the Second Rule of Acquisition.)  I suffered through a full hour of
     oily, insincere flattery .
     
     
     "These colors suit you so well.  You will be a fashion leader and set the pace for
     the party."  Flattery Keerlu had in great abundance, but no refunds.   Somewhere
     in there my chrono chimed.  It was time to catch my free ride!   
     
      
     
     "Come again soon - tell all your friends about how well Keerlu  has treated you " 
     He had the audacity to expect me to recommend him to my friends and give him
     more orders.  At that point, the only order I would happily deliver to Keerlu was
     one to shut down his business forever.
     
     
     
     Needless to say, everywhere I went wearing that blasted tunic, there were snickers
     and sometimes outright guffaws.   I had to wear the thing - (You don't really  want
     to know what happened to my other tunics....) there was no choice.   I  have never
     especia
     lly liked Cardassians, but at least they have the common sense to deliver what you
     order. 
     
     
     
     On my return trip, I had time to formulate a few  rules of my own - 
     
     
     Rules of Defense when dealing with Ferengi.
     
      Rule 1:   Never depend on a Ferengi when you need something very badly.  (They
     will say they have it, even if they don't.  Furthermore, they will charge ten times
     its worth.)  
     
     
     Rule 2:  Always expect to get cheated - because you will be cheated.  
     
     Rule 3:  Never give a Ferengi credits until he has delivered what you actually
     want.
     
     Rule 4:  Best of all, shop somewhere else, anywhere else.
     
     
     I hope this will be of use  to anyone faced with future shopping expeditions,
     particularly if the shop keeper is Ferengi!